The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1376 - Artie Lange

00:00:00.000 Network.

00:00:02.000 The timer's on?

00:00:03.000 All right, we're rolling.

00:00:05.000 First of all, before we get started, I want to say thank you to Luis J. Gomez for hooking this up.

00:00:09.000 Shout out to the Legion of Skanks. 1.00

00:00:11.000 Without them, we would be nothing.

00:00:12.000 Yes.

00:00:13.000 We're here.

00:00:13.000 Absolutely.

00:00:14.000 What's up, buddy?

00:00:14.000 Good to see you, man.

00:00:15.000 What's up, Joe Rogan?

00:00:16.000 My brother.

00:00:17.000 What's happening?

00:00:18.000 Hey, I'm alive.

00:00:19.000 You're alive.

00:00:20.000 Look, man, I've been following this whole...

00:00:22.000 Everybody's been following you.

00:00:23.000 Yeah, but first of all, thanks for being so nice.

00:00:25.000 You're very supportive, Joe.

00:00:27.000 I mean, that means a lot to me.

00:00:28.000 I'm happy to see you healthy.

00:00:30.000 Yeah, thank you.

00:00:30.000 You look good.

00:00:31.000 Your face looks good.

00:00:32.000 You look thin.

00:00:33.000 You look healthy.

00:00:35.000 You look like you're vibrant.

00:00:37.000 Yeah, no, I'm present.

00:00:39.000 I talked to David Tell, and David Tell came to visit me in rehab, and he said, you're present.

00:00:44.000 You don't want to leave every five seconds, which is what cocaine does to you.

00:00:47.000 Right.

00:00:48.000 No, I feel good.

00:00:50.000 I feel good.

00:00:51.000 I got nine months clean.

00:00:53.000 That's amazing.

00:00:55.000 That's amazing.

00:00:56.000 Two days ago was nine months.

00:00:57.000 What's the hump?

00:00:57.000 What do they say you have to get over before you can stay clean?

00:01:00.000 Well, first of all, my drug history is insane.

00:01:05.000 The first time I got high, and I tell these young kids, because I'm 52 now, so I was in rehab and jail in a halfway house the last eight months. 0.99

00:01:18.000 And with some of the craziest motherfuckers you've ever met in your life. 0.98

00:01:22.000 And they all have stories, but once they know my story, because I had some success in life, basically as a full-blown junkie, they're fascinated by it. 0.99

00:01:33.000 And the first time I got high was 1979. Jimmy Carter was president of the Holy shit. 0.99

00:01:40.000 So when you tell a 22-year-old kid that, they're like, blown away that I'm even alive. 1.00

00:01:44.000 And I am too.

00:01:46.000 I hit a home run in Little League.

00:01:48.000 I'll never forget this.

00:01:49.000 And my buddy's older brother, we used to call this kid Sick Jack.

00:01:54.000 I don't know what happened to him.

00:01:55.000 But he handed me a joint.

00:01:57.000 And I took a puff of the weed.

00:02:00.000 And from...

00:02:03.000 11 years old, I loved it so much.

00:02:06.000 I just loved being...

00:02:07.000 I loved the feeling of being out of control.

00:02:09.000 You talk to a normal person, they go, I hate being out of control.

00:02:12.000 I loved it.

00:02:13.000 I loved, like, wow!

00:02:14.000 And you have an excuse for it. 1.00

00:02:15.000 I was fucked up. 0.99

00:02:16.000 Yeah, that's the thing, right? 1.00

00:02:18.000 Yeah.

00:02:18.000 An excuse for being wild.

00:02:20.000 An excuse for just being a screw-up, too. 1.00

00:02:22.000 And my old man was a lunatic. 0.99

00:02:25.000 He was not a drug addict or an alcoholic, but he was a criminal. 0.99

00:02:30.000 He was a low-level criminal.

00:02:32.000 He came to the streets of Newark and got to the 10th grade in high school.

00:02:36.000 And he was my favorite human being of all time. 1.00

00:02:39.000 He was my older brother, but I saw him do a lot of bad shit. 0.98

00:02:44.000 You know, I saw him fight all the time. 0.99

00:02:47.000 He was a boxer when he was young.

00:02:50.000 The real street smart guy.

00:02:52.000 And his life was chaos.

00:02:55.000 And I loved the chaos.

00:02:56.000 I was addicted to risk.

00:02:58.000 That's why I'm a gambler, too.

00:02:59.000 So when cocaine came into my life a few years later, I was 16 the first time I did a line of blow.

00:03:05.000 And that was really fun because now you're up all the time.

00:03:08.000 And that started basically a 35-year drug run that didn't end until like nine months ago.

00:03:15.000 I mean, I don't know if it's ended.

00:03:16.000 You know, that's the thing.

00:03:17.000 I don't put pressure on myself.

00:03:18.000 I'm like, that one day at a time stuff, it sounds so cliché.

00:03:24.000 But I take it one minute at a time.

00:03:26.000 I can't guarantee people I'm never going to get high again.

00:03:28.000 I just know I'm not going to get high in the next 10 minutes.

00:03:31.000 You don't want to get high again.

00:03:32.000 Is there a risk of saying that you don't know if you're ever going to get high again?

00:03:37.000 Well, the direct opposite is true.

00:03:40.000 That's what they tell you in a program like Narcotics Anonymous.

00:03:42.000 And again, I'm not some big program guy.

00:03:44.000 I didn't turn into some God guy, anything like that.

00:03:46.000 But I'm a little more spiritual, I would say.

00:03:49.000 And, you know, it's all stuff, you know, you used to tell me the last time I was on the show, you know, you were telling me to try to live right, like, you know, exercise, anything, anything to get you through the day that's positive, you know?

00:04:00.000 I, in other words, by saying you'll never get high again, and I used to do that all the time, When you're really bullshitting yourself and everybody else, you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

00:04:13.000 Even these young kids, these poor kids, man, are looking at a lot of jail time, prison time. 0.98

00:04:19.000 They're living under a fucking bridge, some of these kids, and they got nothing. 0.96

00:04:23.000 That's why the careers of me and you have... 0.99

00:04:26.000 And congratulations on everything you've done, Joe, man.

00:04:29.000 Thank you.

00:04:30.000 You're a solid guy, a great talent.

00:04:32.000 But, you know...

00:04:34.000 The careers we have are such blessings.

00:04:37.000 I mean, we're living out a dream, you know, and these kids have nothing.

00:04:40.000 And for a 23-year-old kid to say in a group therapy session anywhere, I'm never going to get high again, it's daunting to say you're never going to do anything again.

00:04:51.000 And even for me at 52 years old, I love it.

00:04:53.000 You got to say I love being high.

00:04:56.000 I love the chaos.

00:04:58.000 I love the lifestyle.

00:05:00.000 You get addicted to the lifestyle, too, because you don't live like everybody else, you know?

00:05:04.000 And I had a means of making money legally. 0.99

00:05:07.000 And, you know, these kids had to rob to get all the shit. 0.99

00:05:11.000 And so that was enabling, too. 1.00

00:05:14.000 We live in an enabling world.

00:05:16.000 But to say you're never going to get high again is so much pressure.

00:05:20.000 To say I don't know and just work on the next day, and for me, it's like I take it minute by minute, literally.

00:05:28.000 I got high, like we're here on the Lower East Side of Manhattan right now.

00:05:32.000 I got high everywhere here.

00:05:33.000 Back in the 80s, I used to come here with my buddy's older brother and get mescaline hits, lewds back in the day, you know, weed in Washington Square Park, blow.

00:05:45.000 So there's triggers all over the place. 0.98

00:05:48.000 So I just say, if I can get this one more, just get one more block without fucking up. 0.86

00:05:53.000 That turns into a day and then time, you know? 0.94

00:05:57.000 So it's harder to say for yourself, I... I'll never get high again.

00:06:03.000 What was the longest you went before this nine-month stretch?

00:06:05.000 It feels like the last time I had nine months clean, I was nine months old.

00:06:11.000 No, I... Okay, in the late 90s, I came out of LA County Jail.

00:06:19.000 Well, again, the first time I got arrested, I got arrested for attempted bank robbery when I was 17 years old.

00:06:25.000 I wrote a bank teller a joke note that said I have a gun.

00:06:29.000 And I went to jail, and I got on probation.

00:06:32.000 I asked his teller for $50,000.

00:06:35.000 Whoa.

00:06:35.000 And...

00:06:37.000 She started to give me the money.

00:06:38.000 And she hit the silent alarm.

00:06:41.000 I was with my girlfriend at the time.

00:06:42.000 I was 17. She was 18. So a SWAT team showed up to her house.

00:06:46.000 We just left.

00:06:48.000 So you had the money?

00:06:49.000 I didn't take the money.

00:06:50.000 She started to give me the money. 0.99

00:06:52.000 But again, this is my fucked up personality flaw. 0.99

00:06:55.000 I was like, wow, I'm going to get 50 G's. 0.99

00:06:58.000 And she started to give it to me.

00:06:59.000 But then something said, I can't do this.

00:07:01.000 I took the note I gave her and I crumpled it up.

00:07:03.000 I said, I'm just kidding.

00:07:04.000 And I threw it in a garbage can.

00:07:05.000 I get in my girlfriend's car and she drives away.

00:07:09.000 She goes, what happened there?

00:07:09.000 I didn't even tell her.

00:07:10.000 I go, it's bullshit. 0.99

00:07:12.000 They had her name because she had an account. 1.00

00:07:14.000 She's an adult.

00:07:15.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:07:16.000 And a SWAT team shows up at her house.

00:07:18.000 So we both get arrested.

00:07:19.000 We're handcuffed.

00:07:20.000 And I go to jail.

00:07:21.000 I say, and her old man, I think, was connected.

00:07:25.000 It was like a mob guy.

00:07:27.000 And he sat me down and he goes, when you rob a bank, you no take my daughter.

00:07:34.000 He didn't have a problem with me robbing a bank.

00:07:36.000 He had a problem that I took his daughter.

00:07:38.000 He goes, you don't take women when you rob a bank. 0.96

00:07:40.000 And I go, I wasn't trying to rob a bank.

00:07:43.000 He goes, no.

00:07:43.000 He goes, I know you.

00:07:44.000 You're a craze.

00:07:45.000 And he was right.

00:07:47.000 But again, I just loved the action.

00:07:51.000 That's why I love gambling.

00:07:53.000 So...

00:07:55.000 I go out to LA, I get MADtv, now I'm making 10 grand a week, and I got a bad cocaine problem.

00:08:00.000 And I started gambling.

00:08:02.000 The first Tyson-Holyfield fight, I lost $25,000. 0.99

00:08:05.000 I thought Tyson was gonna fucking kill him. 0.97

00:08:07.000 And Quincy Jones, who produced MADtv, got us ringside seats at the fight. 0.99

00:08:14.000 And I lose 25 grand on a fight, another 8 grand at the tables.

00:08:17.000 I get blow.

00:08:18.000 I take it on a plane back to LA at 1 o'clock in the morning.

00:08:21.000 I take a swing at a cop and I go to LA County Jail for trying to assault a cop.

00:08:27.000 And he found an eight ball on me.

00:08:28.000 Okay.

00:08:29.000 So I had an eight ball of coke on me.

00:08:31.000 I take a swing at a cop.

00:08:32.000 And that's my last day at Mad TV. Oh, Jesus.

00:08:35.000 What year was this?

00:08:36.000 This is 1996. Right after.

00:08:38.000 We did that sketch at Mad TV. Yeah.

00:08:39.000 Which is like 95, I think.

00:08:41.000 That was 96. It was 96?

00:08:43.000 It was the second season.

00:08:44.000 Okay.

00:08:44.000 Which is funny to watch because it's so fucking long ago.

00:08:47.000 Oh, kids. 0.63

00:08:48.000 About a month after that.

00:08:50.000 We taped that sketch.

00:08:51.000 I got arrested.

00:08:52.000 Wow.

00:08:53.000 And so I go to LA County.

00:08:55.000 I come out of LA County.

00:08:57.000 I'm on probation and I got to take urine tests and everything.

00:09:00.000 So I got clean.

00:09:01.000 So to answer your question, I had almost a year clean at that point.

00:09:07.000 And then after that, it was off to the races again.

00:09:10.000 So nine months is the second longest I've had clean since I'm...

00:09:14.000 11 years old.

00:09:15.000 Now, what are you doing for thrills?

00:09:16.000 Do you have to replace...

00:09:18.000 The Joe Rogan podcast!

00:09:21.000 Do you have to do something to replace the feeling of gambling?

00:09:25.000 Because you're not gambling, right?

00:09:26.000 That's an excellent question.

00:09:27.000 No, I can't do anything.

00:09:29.000 Because it escalates.

00:09:30.000 It escalates.

00:09:32.000 If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table right now, by tomorrow morning I'd be running guns to Cuba. 0.96

00:09:39.000 I'd have a human trafficking ring.

00:09:43.000 The badness just gets worse and worse because I can't have a beer.

00:09:47.000 And that's hard to admit to yourself, too.

00:09:51.000 I mean, I can't have one beer.

00:09:52.000 And it took me a long time to grab that concept.

00:09:54.000 Some people can't.

00:09:56.000 Have you had moments where you could have one beer in your life?

00:10:00.000 Have you ever gone, grab a slice of pizza, have a couple beers, and that's it?

00:10:03.000 Yeah, watching a game.

00:10:04.000 But the problem is I mix vices.

00:10:07.000 I tell a story.

00:10:08.000 I was a longshoreman at the Port in Newark, okay, for a couple of years.

00:10:12.000 I was at the Orange Juice Pier.

00:10:14.000 This happened twice.

00:10:15.000 I had a bookie I used to gamble with.

00:10:17.000 So drinking and coke and gambling does not mix well.

00:10:19.000 That's why they give you free drinks at a casino, because you're messed up.

00:10:24.000 So, for Monday Night Football, the bookie took bets up until 8 o'clock.

00:10:28.000 Kickoff was 9 o'clock.

00:10:30.000 So, at 5.30, right after I got out of work, I would call the book and I would say, give me $1,000 on the Giants play the Cowboys.

00:10:38.000 Give me $1,000 on the Giants.

00:10:40.000 Then I start drinking.

00:10:41.000 7.30 comes around.

00:10:43.000 I forget I made the bet.

00:10:44.000 Two separate times, I bet on the other team at 7.30.

00:10:48.000 At 7.30, I called the book and I said, give me the Cowboys.

00:10:52.000 So all I could do was lose the VIG. All I could do was lose.

00:10:55.000 So this happened twice.

00:10:57.000 So the bookie...

00:11:00.000 Tape all your calls and they destroy the tape at the end because the cops get it.

00:11:05.000 But what they do is they have the calls on tape in case you have a dispute.

00:11:10.000 Like, I'd have bet that.

00:11:11.000 He goes, no, I got you on tape doing it.

00:11:12.000 So I said to the bookie, why did you let me do that?

00:11:15.000 He goes, because you got to learn a life lesson.

00:11:16.000 I go, thanks, Mr. Bookie, for giving me a life lesson.

00:11:20.000 You know, I'm trying to win money.

00:11:21.000 And he goes, I got to tape you at 530. Making a bet.

00:11:25.000 So at 5.30, I'm like all articulate.

00:11:26.000 I go, yeah, give me the Giants laying seven over the Cowboys.

00:11:30.000 Give me the under over 41. Give me a dime, which is $1,000.

00:11:33.000 He goes, here's you at 7.30. 1.00

00:11:35.000 Give me the fucking Cowboys! 1.00

00:11:37.000 No! 1.00

00:11:40.000 I want the Cowboys in the Under parlaying! 0.59

00:11:43.000 And you hear him try to go, you just bet the Giants. 1.00

00:11:45.000 Fuck you! 1.00

00:11:46.000 No, I didn't! 1.00

00:11:47.000 I put some chick on the phone. 1.00

00:11:51.000 Give him the Cowboys! 1.00

00:11:52.000 I'm a Cowboy fan!

00:11:53.000 I met some girl who was a Cowboy fan talking to me in a, you know...

00:11:57.000 So a bookie's trying to give me life coaching tips.

00:12:00.000 Oh my god.

00:12:01.000 So what happens is if I would go have the one beer on a Tuesday night in February at a sports bar, then I realize Virginia Tech is playing in a college basketball game.

00:12:10.000 I bet Virginia Tech, then I have two beers, then I got Coke, then it's over.

00:12:14.000 So, your question is a great question.

00:12:17.000 What do I do for thrills?

00:12:18.000 What are you replacing it with?

00:12:20.000 That's where this business, which has taken me back now, I think, 11 times.

00:12:25.000 This is my 11th comeback.

00:12:27.000 I have fans that I got through MADtv and The Stern Show, of course, that are so loyal Stand up.

00:12:34.000 Stand up.

00:12:34.000 This business.

00:12:35.000 Doing what we're doing right now.

00:12:36.000 Talking to another funny guy who I love. 0.97

00:12:40.000 Bullshitting. 0.94

00:12:42.000 Making money doing comedy. 0.99

00:12:44.000 I have a gig tonight in Poughkeepsie.

00:12:45.000 I'm going to Poughkeepsie.

00:12:46.000 And I'm going to get on stage and talk to people for an hour and make a lot of money doing it.

00:12:52.000 Are you doing bananas?

00:12:53.000 No, I'm doing a place called Laugh It Up.

00:12:58.000 Laugh it up in Poughkeepsie.

00:13:00.000 So, yeah, I did the bananas thing a bunch of times.

00:13:04.000 So, you know, that's what I'm grabbing onto right now.

00:13:09.000 Because women, I've lost three, I say this all the time, I lost three fiancées because of heroin. 0.98

00:13:14.000 Heroin saved me a lot of money.

00:13:17.000 I dodged three torpedoes with that.

00:13:19.000 The heroin was way less expensive than a divorce.

00:13:22.000 So, you know, right now, I cling to my work.

00:13:26.000 Comedy is the only thing that hasn't abandoned me.

00:13:28.000 Yes.

00:13:29.000 You know, in a lot of ways.

00:13:30.000 And, you know, there's businesses that keep taking me back.

00:13:34.000 You know, a lot of people who are addicts, they get really addicted to marathon running.

00:13:38.000 Right.

00:13:38.000 Have you ever thought of doing something like that?

00:13:41.000 I'm telling you, it seems like a crazy idea, but if you could think you could run a block, then you run two.

00:13:47.000 Next thing you know, you run a mile.

00:13:49.000 Next thing you know, you go, I'm going to do a 5K. Well, I do a bit about this in my stand-up back.

00:13:54.000 The first time I tried to get off heroin, this trainer who I hired...

00:13:59.000 This kid.

00:14:00.000 He said, you know, I guarantee you a heroin high is not as good as a running high.

00:14:07.000 And I said to him, have you ever tried heroin? 0.99

00:14:09.000 That's a ridiculous thing to say. 0.98

00:14:11.000 He goes, no. 1.00

00:14:12.000 I go, well then you're not qualified to be in this fucking conversation. 1.00

00:14:16.000 Because I've done heroin and on occasion I've run. 0.99

00:14:19.000 And it's not even close.

00:14:21.000 The only way you get a running high, you've got to be in really good shape.

00:14:24.000 And you've also got to run more than 20 feet.

00:14:25.000 Yeah, you've got to run a lot.

00:14:27.000 I mean, do you run?

00:14:29.000 Yeah.

00:14:30.000 I mean, I would love to get that kind of thing in my life.

00:14:33.000 Again, I'm way healthier than I ever was in a long time.

00:14:38.000 Where are you living?

00:14:39.000 I live in Hoboken, New Jersey.

00:14:41.000 Yeah, there's got to be a place near there.

00:14:42.000 Yeah, no, there's nothing.

00:14:44.000 That's the thing about nowadays.

00:14:46.000 Young comics, like, forget about the drug culture.

00:14:49.000 If a 25-year-old comedian has some gluten, he starts to freak out.

00:14:53.000 Like, they go to Alcoholics Anonymous, they have gluten, by mistake. 0.99

00:14:56.000 So there's nothing but healthy shit going on. 0.98

00:14:59.000 In Hoboken, it's nothing but young people jogging, Pilates, yoga, you know. 0.99

00:15:06.000 Get in it.

00:15:07.000 Huh?

00:15:08.000 I'd love to.

00:15:09.000 I mean, you know...

00:15:10.000 It's something to get addicted to.

00:15:12.000 Yes.

00:15:12.000 You can get addicted.

00:15:13.000 I'm for sure addicted to exercise.

00:15:15.000 I know that.

00:15:16.000 I've known that about you for a long time.

00:15:18.000 But it can help you.

00:15:18.000 Yeah.

00:15:19.000 Yeah.

00:15:20.000 Well, getting something like that in my life would be the ultimate turnaround.

00:15:26.000 Yes.

00:15:27.000 Because I love sports.

00:15:29.000 I'm a good athlete.

00:15:30.000 I was an all-state baseball player.

00:15:32.000 And I could shoot hoops.

00:15:35.000 I was playing a lot of basketball in jail.

00:15:37.000 Yeah.

00:15:37.000 Were you?

00:15:38.000 Yeah.

00:15:38.000 I was running full courts, man.

00:15:40.000 I got an outside shot like crazy.

00:15:43.000 But I'm the kind of guy, I have hand-eye coordination.

00:15:46.000 I could gain weight playing basketball.

00:15:48.000 I don't even move.

00:15:48.000 I just shoot the ball.

00:15:50.000 The running thing is something I, you know, I got to release an endorphins.

00:15:54.000 Yes.

00:15:54.000 What you just said.

00:15:55.000 See, that's a very insightful question because the whole thing is substituting the I with something else.

00:16:03.000 Finding something else you're obsessed with.

00:16:04.000 Yeah.

00:16:05.000 In my life, I've always been obsessed with things, but luckily, none of them have been bad.

00:16:08.000 Right.

00:16:09.000 But it's the same personality.

00:16:12.000 The same personality that could have led me to be a junkie, led me to just get obsessed with martial arts or comedy or playing pool.

00:16:18.000 I wish I got addicted to martial arts and heroin.

00:16:21.000 Yeah, I mean, I struggle with video games, pool, like anything that I could get better at, I get obsessed with.

00:16:29.000 Well, you know, it's funny.

00:16:31.000 Everything in my life went back to drugs.

00:16:34.000 You know I love shooting pool, too.

00:16:35.000 Yeah, you're good, man.

00:16:36.000 We played when we were at my studio.

00:16:38.000 Yeah, I found that when I did cocaine, I was better at pool, because I focused more.

00:16:43.000 Sure, yeah, yeah.

00:16:44.000 A lot of guys take amphetamines.

00:16:46.000 Yeah, and you have this hand-eye coordination gets better, so you're playing nine ball or something.

00:16:50.000 I actually wrote a movie script I'm trying to write called Booker Sugar Nine Ball, where a guy gets way better.

00:16:54.000 He becomes the best nine ball player on cocaine, so he has to keep getting money playing pool to score more cocaine.

00:16:59.000 Well, the best guys from back in the day, they were all taking amphetamines, like Buddy Hall and all these world champions.

00:17:05.000 Yeah, they were all drug addicts.

00:17:07.000 They were playing days and days at a time.

00:17:08.000 Yeah.

00:17:09.000 Well, the movie The Hustler with Gleason, they play for...

00:17:12.000 That was booze. 0.96

00:17:13.000 That was just booze.

00:17:14.000 But these guys really did do that.

00:17:16.000 I mean, these guys played for...

00:17:17.000 They got on pills and they played for days.

00:17:19.000 The key is what you said, obsession.

00:17:21.000 Yes.

00:17:21.000 Obsession.

00:17:22.000 I get obsessed over a woman I'm dating.

00:17:24.000 Yes.

00:17:24.000 I get obsessed over, you know, anything I like.

00:17:28.000 Yeah.

00:17:28.000 I don't want to stop.

00:17:29.000 Yeah.

00:17:29.000 I want to keep rewarding myself.

00:17:31.000 The situation...

00:17:33.000 You know, you're a very successful guy, so is someone going to be able to tell you, I was making all this money, and I'm taking care of people around me, supporting people around me, and so who's going to tell me to stop?

00:17:45.000 Right.

00:17:45.000 You know?

00:17:46.000 That is always a problem.

00:17:47.000 That's a problem.

00:17:47.000 Yes, ma'am, people.

00:17:48.000 It's a real problem.

00:17:49.000 Yeah.

00:17:50.000 Like, I make millions of dollars a year.

00:17:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:53.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:17:53.000 Something's going right. 1.00

00:17:54.000 Yeah.

00:17:55.000 I'm not going to stop.

00:17:56.000 Right.

00:17:56.000 Then what happened is I got legal consequences like I've never had before.

00:18:00.000 Yeah.

00:18:00.000 So your situation now, like, you can't...

00:18:04.000 If you test positive at all for anything, you're fucked. 1.00

00:18:07.000 I could go to jail. 1.00

00:18:08.000 Like, even if, like, I smoked a joint in this room with you.

00:18:10.000 If it came up...

00:18:12.000 I mean, that's, you know, everybody...

00:18:15.000 Again, I'm on this thing called drug court, which is like probation on steroids.

00:18:19.000 It's kind of new.

00:18:20.000 It's only 20 years old.

00:18:22.000 The premise of it is...

00:18:26.000 We're good to go.

00:18:41.000 Not a lot of guys with that little of a charge get drug court.

00:18:45.000 Drug court is for people who can't stop robbing people.

00:18:48.000 Because, in other words, they were putting everybody in jail for robbing stuff.

00:18:51.000 And they linked that behavior back to drug use.

00:18:53.000 They were stealing to support their drug habit.

00:18:55.000 So they get all these robberies on their jacket.

00:18:57.000 And they go, okay, to try to help you, instead of giving you prison, we're going to give you this thing called drug court.

00:19:04.000 But you got to report, like I gave five urines this week.

00:19:08.000 So if I... If I got high, first of all, my situation, because I'm well known, the second...

00:19:15.000 I give clean urine, clean urine, clean urine, and then 1.30, it's all over, you know, the news.

00:19:21.000 Now, why do they give you such a harsh sentence if it's just possession?

00:19:25.000 I don't really know.

00:19:27.000 Are they trying to make an example?

00:19:28.000 I think that's part of it, yeah.

00:19:30.000 Because, you know...

00:19:31.000 Every time when I got...

00:19:33.000 The first charge was just regular probation.

00:19:35.000 And I got no new charges or anything.

00:19:37.000 It was all these technical violations because I kept pissing dirty.

00:19:41.000 And eventually after I failed that, they gave me drug court.

00:19:44.000 But, you know, again, I got no problem with the people in the legal system.

00:19:48.000 But what is your feeling on, like, what works?

00:19:51.000 How do you get someone...

00:19:52.000 For you, is it being scared?

00:19:54.000 Is it crashing?

00:19:55.000 That's part of it.

00:19:56.000 But you got to want to do it.

00:19:58.000 Right.

00:19:59.000 And you want to do it right now.

00:20:00.000 But was it because they threatened you with so much...

00:20:03.000 I mean, is there...

00:20:04.000 What I'm trying to get at is, is there like a method to this that makes any sense?

00:20:07.000 There's supposed to be, but...

00:20:10.000 Okay.

00:20:11.000 The premise, I think...

00:20:13.000 The best thing about jail for a drug addict is...

00:20:17.000 It actually locks you away from the drugs for a little while.

00:20:20.000 Because, you see, now, cocaine made my life chaos for a long time.

00:20:23.000 But when heroin came into the game, forget it.

00:20:27.000 Lights out.

00:20:28.000 Heroin is... 0.69

00:20:28.000 If I saw some kid thinking about trying heroin for the first time, I would tackle them. 0.69

00:20:33.000 I would do anything to get them to stop.

00:20:35.000 Because the only way to stop this opioid crisis is prevention.

00:20:39.000 You know, doctors became pushers with oxys and stuff like that.

00:20:42.000 You know, drug companies, it's a lot of money.

00:20:45.000 You know, on the legal and illegal side of it.

00:20:48.000 So once heroin gets in your system, you need it every eight hours.

00:20:55.000 You need it every eight hours like it's oxygen.

00:20:57.000 So you become desperate.

00:20:59.000 Withdrawals are insane.

00:21:01.000 So...

00:21:01.000 Is it insane?

00:21:02.000 Like, what is it like?

00:21:03.000 It's insanity.

00:21:04.000 Well, okay...

00:21:07.000 When I became, you know, again, my story on The Howard Stern Show, the big headline at the end of why I left that show was, and I speak sometimes at NA meetings and I try to get this through young people's heads.

00:21:22.000 I was basically a full-blown junkie on the biggest radio show of all time.

00:21:27.000 I mean, that's the headline.

00:21:29.000 Nodding off on the air.

00:21:31.000 But I also had a full-time stand-up comedy schedule.

00:21:34.000 So my life became the kind of chaos that not many human beings have ever seen.

00:21:38.000 So I would have gigs in Pittsburgh, Phoenix, and Detroit three weeks in a row.

00:21:42.000 Then I got to get back at 6 a.m.

00:21:44.000 to be on Sternum. 0.85

00:21:45.000 Now, by the end, I was so paranoid to bring drugs on a plane, but I needed the heroin to get on stage.

00:21:52.000 Picture the flu times 10. That's what withdrawals are.

00:21:57.000 And there's aches.

00:21:59.000 All the emotional pain you're masking comes back.

00:22:02.000 So withdrawals are a living hell.

00:22:04.000 So when you see the withdrawals coming, you see the heroin getting out of your system, you're like, okay, it's going to get really bad.

00:22:11.000 Then you realize most people can't leave the room.

00:22:13.000 Then you realize you got to do five radio shows a week, and then you got to fly to Detroit and do stand-up on a Saturday night.

00:22:21.000 So when I landed in Detroit, I wouldn't have heroin.

00:22:24.000 So my life became a dance of, like, I would land in every city, and I would say...

00:22:30.000 I would get in a cab, and I'd say to the cab driver, I need heroin.

00:22:34.000 I gotta score.

00:22:35.000 Otherwise, I can't do this show.

00:22:37.000 Sometimes a guy would recognize me and want tickets to the show.

00:22:41.000 I would go to the worst part of Detroit, or the worst part of anywhere, any city, and try to find heroin, because in an hour, I gotta be on stage, and in 20 minutes, I'm gonna be deathly sick. 0.98

00:22:54.000 When I say sick, like shit in my pants, throwing up, So you're getting there with no connections? 0.99

00:23:00.000 No connections. 1.00

00:23:02.000 Did you ever not score?

00:23:04.000 Yeah.

00:23:04.000 I used to call them dope-sick sets, because withdrawals, they call it dope-sickness.

00:23:11.000 And one time I was on stage in Orlando, Florida. 0.73

00:23:13.000 I had to do an hour, half an hour into my set, I realized I'm going to shit my pants in front of 2,000 people.

00:23:19.000 So I said, okay, in my head, and you know, with your act, Sometimes you got jokes you could do like a robot. 0.71

00:23:26.000 So I'm just going through the motions.

00:23:29.000 You say this, it'll get a laugh.

00:23:30.000 You say this, it'll get a laugh. 0.99

00:23:31.000 I realize I'm going to shit my pants in front of 2,000 people. 0.96

00:23:36.000 So I said there's two choices. 1.00

00:23:37.000 I can either say, guys, I got to go to the bathroom, listen to some music, And go shit or shit my pants in front of 2,000 people. 1.00

00:23:45.000 Did you shit your pants? 1.00

00:23:46.000 No. 1.00

00:23:46.000 I said, play a song. 1.00

00:23:48.000 And I ran to back.

00:23:49.000 Did you tell them? 1.00

00:23:50.000 Are you going to shit your pants? 1.00

00:23:51.000 I came back and I said I was going to shit my pants. 0.99

00:23:53.000 So okay, these are Stern fans. 0.99

00:23:55.000 I go, it would have been funnier if you shit your pants! 1.00

00:23:57.000 Of course. 0.99

00:23:59.000 So now I got Stern fans who know I was about to shit my pants. 0.99

00:24:02.000 The last half hour of the show was like them yelling shit your pants. 0.98

00:24:05.000 Yeah, they're a particularly ruthless balance. 0.99

00:24:07.000 I remember I saw you at the Luxor in Vegas.

00:24:11.000 Yeah.

00:24:11.000 It was one of the first times I ever saw you in front of a Stern fan.

00:24:14.000 Right.

00:24:15.000 Like the Stern fan group.

00:24:16.000 Right.

00:24:17.000 They're ruthless.

00:24:18.000 It's crazy.

00:24:19.000 Yeah.

00:24:19.000 It's crazy.

00:24:20.000 And then they say they love you, but then they're screaming shit out. 0.99

00:24:23.000 And Vegas is another... 0.99

00:24:25.000 Again, so that became my life.

00:24:28.000 The chaos was insane.

00:24:29.000 Do you think it was encouraged, too?

00:24:31.000 Did they enjoy the fact that you were off the rails?

00:24:35.000 Some people did.

00:24:36.000 And because of that, do you think that you identified with that?

00:24:40.000 Like, this is who I am, this is what I do?

00:24:42.000 That's a great question.

00:24:44.000 Absolutely.

00:24:44.000 Part of me said, maybe this is my thing.

00:24:48.000 And that's you bullshitting yourself. 0.94

00:24:50.000 Because that's also you saying it's a reason to continue. 1.00

00:24:54.000 I could keep fucking up because this is how I make money. 0.99

00:24:58.000 Yes. 0.99

00:24:58.000 And this is my... 0.99

00:24:59.000 A lot of money.

00:25:00.000 A lot of money.

00:25:01.000 I mean, okay, the most money I ever did making stand-up, most money I made, it was actually at Mandalay Bay, Super Bowl Eve 2007. This is an example of my life.

00:25:12.000 In one night, I made $140,000 doing stand-up.

00:25:15.000 Okay, I got $70,000 for two shows.

00:25:18.000 I did two shows.

00:25:19.000 I'm on the plane flying back from Vegas.

00:25:21.000 I'm doing the math.

00:25:22.000 Between the gambling, the drugs, and the hookers, I lost $145,000.

00:25:28.000 Okay, so when I got home, my accountant thought I was going to give him a check for 140 grand.

00:25:33.000 I said, I need 5 G's.

00:25:34.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:25:36.000 I made $140,000 in a night.

00:25:38.000 One night.

00:25:39.000 My father climbed roofs for a living, okay?

00:25:42.000 He never made that in 30 years.

00:25:45.000 And then I'm going back to co-host the biggest radio show ever.

00:25:48.000 And I lost a hundred... 0.64

00:25:50.000 I had a $10,000 hooker who looked like a young Carmen Electra. 1.00

00:25:55.000 And I lost money playing craps. 0.88

00:25:58.000 I lost on the game.

00:26:00.000 And the drugs I bought.

00:26:02.000 Jesus.

00:26:03.000 I was down $145,000.

00:26:04.000 So after I paid out my commission to the agents, the weekend cost me like $40,000.

00:26:10.000 Have you put this in a book?

00:26:14.000 I don't know if that story's in a book.

00:26:16.000 I wrote another book in jail, too.

00:26:18.000 I wrote a fourth book.

00:26:20.000 It's called Rippin' and Runnin'.

00:26:22.000 And I'm trying to get a deal for it right now. 0.99

00:26:27.000 Who the fuck wouldn't give you a deal for that? 0.99

00:26:29.000 Jesus Christ! 1.00

00:26:30.000 That's just one fucking story of madness. 1.00

00:26:35.000 The thing about those stories is they're so great. 1.00

00:26:38.000 It's such a catch-22, right?

00:26:40.000 It's like the stories are so amazing.

00:26:42.000 And people love you for those stories, but they also want you to be clean.

00:26:46.000 Well, here's the thing.

00:26:47.000 So that's the catch-22, you know?

00:26:49.000 And then I'm saying to myself, so again, the answer to your original question is, if I were to be honest with you right now, the reason, the thing that got me, the method I'm using now are consequences.

00:27:01.000 If I didn't have jail hanging over my head, I don't know what would happen today.

00:27:04.000 But I think I'm far enough out of getting hot. 0.99

00:27:08.000 Like, I got, the drugs are finally out of my fucking system. 0.98

00:27:12.000 There's other drugs they give you. 0.99

00:27:14.000 That are basically legal dope.

00:27:16.000 There's this thing called Suboxone, which is an opiate blocker.

00:27:19.000 But it's dope.

00:27:20.000 What does it do to you?

00:27:21.000 It stops you from getting high on heroin.

00:27:24.000 But it stops the withdrawals, too.

00:27:26.000 So you also get high.

00:27:28.000 It's an opioid.

00:27:29.000 But it's legal.

00:27:31.000 So if you're on what they call Suboxone maintenance, you can pee with that in your urine.

00:27:39.000 And you'll be alright if they know you're on it.

00:27:41.000 But you're getting high.

00:27:43.000 You're getting high.

00:27:44.000 It's like methadone.

00:27:45.000 Right.

00:27:45.000 Methadone.

00:27:46.000 We used to have these guys that would come to the pool hall.

00:27:48.000 We'd call them the methadoneians.

00:27:49.000 Yeah.

00:27:49.000 They would go down the street, they'd get their methadone, they'd come to the pool hall and they'd just be zombies.

00:27:54.000 Okay, another story about methadone.

00:27:55.000 For a little while I took methadone at a methadone clinic while I was on Howard because I was desperately trying to get off heroin.

00:28:00.000 But look, again, the only difference between methadone and heroin is legality.

00:28:05.000 Like once the courts are cool with one for some reason, and the other one's illegal.

00:28:10.000 I mean, if you have no legal issues, why not just keep doing heroin? 0.98

00:28:15.000 It makes no fucking sense. 0.98

00:28:16.000 Probably better for you. 0.99

00:28:18.000 Heroin is the one drug that doesn't affect any organ.

00:28:20.000 Like the way people die on heroin is you...

00:28:23.000 You overdose.

00:28:24.000 But, like, look at Keith Richards. 1.00

00:28:26.000 I mean, he just got good shit. 1.00

00:28:28.000 He got pure shit. 1.00

00:28:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:29.000 And he never OD'd and died. 1.00

00:28:32.000 So, like, he's almost preserved.

00:28:34.000 It kind of doesn't affect your liver.

00:28:35.000 Nothing like that.

00:28:36.000 Really?

00:28:37.000 So there's no real health consequences other than overdose?

00:28:41.000 Really other than ODing.

00:28:42.000 And the withdrawals.

00:28:43.000 Because it becomes a part of your body.

00:28:46.000 Like...

00:28:48.000 Again, I'm not recommending it.

00:28:50.000 It's a living hell.

00:28:51.000 It's a living hell.

00:28:52.000 The lifestyle and the people that get into your life because of it.

00:28:55.000 So a couple of times I went to a methadone clinic that opened at 6 a.m.

00:29:00.000 Because the guy was a fan of Stern, he would let me come into the methadone clinic at 5.30.

00:29:04.000 They give it to you in orange juice.

00:29:07.000 You take a shot of orange juice with the methadone.

00:29:11.000 Twice I threw up on the air. 0.99

00:29:13.000 And one time, again, I was never funnier off the shit than this. 0.99

00:29:18.000 Howard was talking, I think it was Roseanne Barr, and Howard said, hey, you look thin. 0.99

00:29:22.000 She was on the phone.

00:29:23.000 And I'm nauseous.

00:29:25.000 Like, okay, so listen to this timing.

00:29:29.000 I'm nauseous from the methadone.

00:29:30.000 I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I got a live mic, you know?

00:29:33.000 Right.

00:29:33.000 And she goes, yeah, Howard, I've been exercising.

00:29:38.000 And he goes, what have you been doing?

00:29:39.000 She goes, well, I get in a two-piece bathing suit now.

00:29:43.000 As soon as she said that, you hear me go, bleh! 1.00

00:29:50.000 As soon as...

00:29:51.000 And Howard thought I was doing it to be funny. 0.99

00:29:52.000 He goes, shit, what are you doing? 0.99

00:29:53.000 I go, ah, yeah. 1.00

00:29:56.000 As soon as she said, I get in a toothpaste.

00:30:01.000 Timing.

00:30:01.000 Yeah.

00:30:03.000 My comedic timing was better.

00:30:05.000 So now I'm doing that for a while.

00:30:07.000 But at that point, I had no legal issues. 0.97

00:30:09.000 What the fuck am I even trying this for? 0.97

00:30:11.000 Right. 0.99

00:30:11.000 And Suboxone. 0.99

00:30:12.000 Look, Suboxone helped save me.

00:30:14.000 It helped me get off it.

00:30:15.000 But eventually, you got to get off that too.

00:30:16.000 And you kick...

00:30:17.000 How hard is that?

00:30:18.000 Is it hard to get off it?

00:30:19.000 Okay, there's something called fentanyl out there.

00:30:22.000 Yes.

00:30:22.000 Okay, which is elephant tranquilizer.

00:30:24.000 It's synthetic.

00:30:25.000 It's like spice, like synthetic weed. 1.00

00:30:28.000 Okay, all these kids in jail, by the way, these young kids, they smoke this K2 shit. 1.00

00:30:32.000 They stop while they're talking to you. 0.99

00:30:35.000 Like a kid will be talking to you in jail, like that jail jumpsuit, and it'll just be like, he stops.

00:30:39.000 It looks like he got hit with volcanic ash or something because they spray these chemicals on the weed and it does something to them.

00:30:46.000 They start dancing like Julie Andrews or something.

00:30:49.000 All these blunts and crips are dancing to the sound of music. 0.95

00:30:55.000 The hills are alive!

00:30:59.000 It's really, it's weird.

00:31:00.000 So fentanyl is like the heroin version of that.

00:31:03.000 It's synthetic heroin.

00:31:04.000 Yeah, much stronger.

00:31:06.000 People are dying from touching it.

00:31:08.000 Like, they touch it, it gets in your system.

00:31:09.000 Cops are dying, or cops are getting overdosed from handling people that are sweating.

00:31:13.000 Right.

00:31:13.000 It comes from China.

00:31:14.000 There's all these conspiracy theories about China trying to kill us.

00:31:16.000 And who knows? 0.51

00:31:17.000 It's weeding out a lot of junkies.

00:31:19.000 I was in a rehab, which I gotta give a shout-out to.

00:31:22.000 This place, Turning Point in Patterson, is where I really got clean.

00:31:25.000 I was there for three months.

00:31:26.000 I did a month in jail, and then I did three months at Turning Point.

00:31:29.000 Great place.

00:31:30.000 They really helped me out a lot.

00:31:32.000 My counselor, Sarah.

00:31:33.000 Shout out to her.

00:31:35.000 I got clean there.

00:31:36.000 But it was in Patterson in the hood.

00:31:38.000 And the gangs would fight each other to get the corner right across from the rehab.

00:31:44.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:31:45.000 Because...

00:31:46.000 People would come out.

00:31:46.000 Yeah, people come out and they get high.

00:31:48.000 Two kids I was in there with went and got high.

00:31:50.000 They died that day.

00:31:52.000 Jesus Christ.

00:31:52.000 They just leave and they died that day.

00:31:54.000 From fentanyl. 0.80

00:31:55.000 These are junkies.

00:31:56.000 If you get a certain amount of time clean...

00:31:59.000 Your willpower, your resistance goes down. 0.98

00:32:04.000 So they would take what they used to take and they would kill them.

00:32:07.000 So to get off the Suboxone is very difficult because you've got to kick it. 0.79

00:32:13.000 You've got to kick it.

00:32:14.000 Withdrawals take average four to five days.

00:32:16.000 And I've done that in jail twice.

00:32:18.000 So if you have fentanyl in your system and you take a Suboxone, you go into what they call pre-sip withdrawals, which are like...

00:32:29.000 The regular withdrawals times a million.

00:32:31.000 Like, you feel like you're going to die.

00:32:32.000 You start to hallucinate.

00:32:33.000 This happened to me twice.

00:32:34.000 I went to jail not knowing that the cocaine...

00:32:38.000 They put it in everything.

00:32:39.000 They put it in the cocaine.

00:32:40.000 They put it in the marijuana because they want people to catch a habit.

00:32:44.000 And if a couple people die, because if you've got a habit, now you've got to keep going back.

00:32:47.000 So you're buying what you think is blow.

00:32:49.000 It's not.

00:32:50.000 It's blow with this fentanyl in it.

00:32:52.000 Heroin's brown when you get it.

00:32:54.000 Jesus Christ.

00:32:54.000 It's brown when you get it.

00:32:57.000 Fentanyl is white.

00:32:58.000 So if it's really a lighter color, it's got fentanyl in it.

00:33:02.000 But people want to get high so bad, they take the risk.

00:33:04.000 If you're a junkie, you'll take that risk.

00:33:06.000 So I did not know I had fentanyl in my system.

00:33:08.000 It was in the cocaine I had.

00:33:10.000 So I get to jail, and I see this kid in the bullpen at the jail.

00:33:15.000 And he was a dealer, I knew from the street.

00:33:17.000 And he owed me a favor.

00:33:19.000 And these kids smuggled drugs in their sweatpants.

00:33:24.000 They have it right here.

00:33:25.000 And if you see a kid going like this all the time and kids walking over to him, you know, he's got something.

00:33:29.000 So I went over to the kid and I said, what do you got?

00:33:32.000 And he goes, I just got subs, Suboxone.

00:33:34.000 I said, give me one.

00:33:35.000 Because, you know, I couldn't deal with the anxiety.

00:33:39.000 He gave it to me.

00:33:40.000 I didn't know I had fentanyl in my system.

00:33:42.000 I took a Suboxone with it and in 10 minutes I was writhing on the floor.

00:33:47.000 So they threw me in a cell and I had a kick.

00:33:51.000 I had a kick with those kind of withdrawals on a jail cell.

00:33:54.000 How long does it last?

00:33:55.000 Five days.

00:33:57.000 Five days.

00:33:58.000 Now, the COs, when I was kicking at Essex County Jail, the COs there, I love them.

00:34:03.000 They're great guys. 0.99

00:34:04.000 They're tough motherfuckers. 0.98

00:34:05.000 They got a tough job, and they were very supportive of me, and they protected me in there. 0.99

00:34:10.000 They were good guys.

00:34:14.000 So they were giving me food. 0.99

00:34:15.000 They would try to keep me hydrated and shit. 0.97

00:34:18.000 There was a doctor there that was really cool. 0.99

00:34:19.000 But I was naked.

00:34:22.000 Because you're also on a suicide watch.

00:34:24.000 If people kick from heroin, again, all this emotional pain comes back on you.

00:34:28.000 And a lot of people commit suicide.

00:34:29.000 So they give you what they call this turtle shell, that you're naked and you go in this turtle thing that's like a Velcro thing.

00:34:35.000 So I kicked for five days in that thing, just rolling around the floor.

00:34:40.000 I started to hallucinate.

00:34:41.000 My old man's been dead for 30 years.

00:34:43.000 I could have swore he was talking to me right in front of me.

00:34:46.000 You know?

00:34:47.000 It's just...

00:34:48.000 And then knowing that, then I get it out of my system.

00:34:52.000 I get out of jail and I get high an hour later.

00:34:56.000 You know?

00:34:57.000 So, you know...

00:35:00.000 If you keep doing that, there's something wrong.

00:35:03.000 So what happened this time that changed?

00:35:06.000 They kept me away for longer than I ever was.

00:35:10.000 I was doing a two-week bid, a week bid in jail.

00:35:14.000 This time, I was in jail for almost two months, and I kicked.

00:35:17.000 Then I went to a long-term rehab, and I got locked away from it.

00:35:22.000 And I started to think clearer and think about the consequences and think about my mom and the fact that my mother is this great Italian woman who... 0.91

00:35:33.000 You know, I thought she just needed money from me. 1.00

00:35:36.000 I took care...

00:35:36.000 My old man on his deathbed said, take care of your mother.

00:35:39.000 And as an Italian guy from North Jersey, you'd think that means money.

00:35:42.000 It doesn't mean anything else.

00:35:43.000 So I kept giving her money, not knowing she was worried about me dying, you know, all the time.

00:35:49.000 So I thought about her pain, and I said, I can't do this anymore.

00:35:54.000 So I just started to think clear.

00:35:55.000 And then the one day at a time comes in.

00:35:57.000 So that's the difference.

00:35:59.000 The difference was I was locked away from the dope Longer than I ever was.

00:36:04.000 So not only did the physical withdrawals go away, but the mental withdrawals.

00:36:08.000 Charlie Parker, the great jazz musician, who was a heroin addict, died when he was 35. He said, they can get it out of your body, but they can never get it out of your brain.

00:36:15.000 Charlie Parker died at 35?

00:36:16.000 Charlie Parker was 35. Jesus Christ.

00:36:18.000 The coroner said he was 66. Wow.

00:36:21.000 Yeah, but he had the most profound thing I ever heard someone say about heroin.

00:36:25.000 He said, they can get it out of your brain, but they can get it out of your body, but they can't get it out of your brain.

00:36:30.000 Because you remember it.

00:36:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:31.000 You remember the- It's a way to deal with shit. 1.00

00:36:33.000 And it's a maternal thing, right? 0.99

00:36:35.000 It's almost like being in the womb.

00:36:36.000 Absolutely.

00:36:37.000 You're protected.

00:36:38.000 Absolutely.

00:36:39.000 I've never done it, but when I had knee surgery, they gave me a morphine drip.

00:36:42.000 Oh, forget it.

00:36:43.000 They gave me a button.

00:36:44.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:36:44.000 Anytime I was in the hospital, I could hit it anytime I want.

00:36:46.000 I just hammered that thing.

00:36:47.000 Yeah, of course.

00:36:48.000 And you just glide off to the most beautiful, wonderful feeling.

00:36:52.000 Well, that's the thing about drugs.

00:36:53.000 They work.

00:36:56.000 You know, it's instant.

00:36:58.000 And again, that's something else in our business.

00:37:03.000 I don't want to wait for anything.

00:37:05.000 I want the money now. 0.98

00:37:06.000 I want to cum now. 1.00

00:37:08.000 I want to fucking get high now. 1.00

00:37:09.000 I want to gamble now. 0.98

00:37:11.000 That's the part of what makes you a great comic, though.

00:37:13.000 That impulsive wildness is what people enjoy in comics.

00:37:18.000 All my favorite comics, Kinison, Joey Diaz, all of them struggled.

00:37:23.000 All of them.

00:37:25.000 Pryor.

00:37:25.000 Look at Richard Pryor, yeah.

00:37:26.000 Lenny Bruce.

00:37:27.000 Lenny Bruce.

00:37:28.000 Hicks.

00:37:30.000 All of them.

00:37:30.000 All of them had drug problems.

00:37:32.000 Mitch Hedberg.

00:37:32.000 Sure.

00:37:33.000 Robin Williams.

00:37:34.000 Everybody.

00:37:34.000 Everybody had drug problems.

00:37:37.000 Greg Giraldo.

00:37:38.000 I'll give you a great Greg Giraldo story.

00:37:40.000 All right.

00:37:41.000 Okay. 0.75

00:37:41.000 So this to me sums up a comedian who's also a drug addict. 0.75

00:37:46.000 All right.

00:37:48.000 2006, William Shatner roast, Comedy Central, right?

00:37:51.000 Gerardo was just hitting with the roast.

00:37:52.000 He was getting to be a big deal.

00:37:53.000 But I had partied with him a couple of times and, you know, we both had the same problem.

00:37:57.000 So we were the only two guys coming from New York City to do the Shatner roast.

00:38:03.000 This was 06 for Comedy Central.

00:38:04.000 So I'm at the JFK first lounge, first class lounge waiting for my plane.

00:38:10.000 And I know Greg is supposed to be on a plane.

00:38:12.000 He shows up five minutes before the plane takes off.

00:38:14.000 And he goes, Artie, man.

00:38:15.000 He like hugs me, he's sweating.

00:38:16.000 He goes, I'm tweaking.

00:38:17.000 Like he was taking amphetamines.

00:38:19.000 So I go, he goes, I'm not getting on a plane.

00:38:21.000 I go, dude, you're like the best guy at these roads now.

00:38:24.000 You have to get on a plane.

00:38:26.000 This is your career.

00:38:27.000 And he goes, I can't get on a plane. 1.00

00:38:28.000 I go, you have to get on a fucking plane. 0.99

00:38:30.000 So I had all this Vicodin I smuggled under my sock. 1.00

00:38:34.000 I said, take a couple of Vicodin and have a beer.

00:38:36.000 So I got him a beer and he started to calm down a little bit.

00:38:38.000 I literally held his hand, okay?

00:38:41.000 I held his hand and got him on a plane.

00:38:43.000 I changed my seat to sit next to him. 1.00

00:38:45.000 He was too paranoid to go to the fucking bathroom. 0.99

00:38:47.000 So I would guard the bathroom so no one could come in. 1.00

00:38:50.000 And we get to LA. Now we gotta go to a dress rehearsal at CBS Radford.

00:38:55.000 Farrah Fawcett was on that roast, so now he's still freaking out, paranoid, and he goes, I'm going to hug Farrah Fawcett.

00:39:02.000 I go, you can't go near Farrah Fawcett.

00:39:05.000 I go, not only is your career going to be over, he goes, I'm going to hug Farrah, I have to kiss her.

00:39:10.000 I go, she was two feet from us. 1.00

00:39:11.000 I go, you can't kiss Farrah Fawcett! 1.00

00:39:15.000 I go, you're going to get arrested! 0.91

00:39:19.000 Your career's going to be over and you're going to be arrested for sexually assaulting fire faucet on amphetamines. 1.00

00:39:22.000 So I go, you just got to calm the fuck down. 0.99

00:39:25.000 We get to the dress rehearsal. 0.98

00:39:27.000 And he goes, please don't tell anybody.

00:39:28.000 Now, I've been there.

00:39:29.000 So I know what he's...

00:39:30.000 So I go, I want...

00:39:31.000 So we go back to the hotel.

00:39:32.000 I leave my room. 0.99

00:39:34.000 I sit by him like Florence fucking Nightingale. 1.00

00:39:36.000 I'm giving him like hot compresses and shit. 1.00

00:39:39.000 The morning, the next morning, the car's coming to get us to take us to the show at noon. 0.99

00:39:44.000 And he comes out of it.

00:39:46.000 He comes out of the bathroom.

00:39:47.000 He goes, I think I came down.

00:39:49.000 He hugs me.

00:39:50.000 He's crying.

00:39:50.000 He goes, thank you so much.

00:39:51.000 I go, dude, you would have done the same thing for me.

00:39:53.000 Okay, so now we go to the roast.

00:39:55.000 He's the first roaster up.

00:39:57.000 First thing he says.

00:39:59.000 He goes, Artie Lang's here.

00:40:00.000 How about a hand for Artie Lang?

00:40:01.000 And everybody applauds.

00:40:02.000 He looks at me and goes, look at you, Artie. 1.00

00:40:03.000 You fat fucking drug addict. 1.00

00:40:09.000 That's the first thing he says! 1.00

00:40:11.000 And I went like this.

00:40:13.000 I went probably like this.

00:40:14.000 And he went like this.

00:40:20.000 That look, that look, that's a comedian.

00:40:23.000 Yes!

00:40:23.000 That look's a comedian.

00:40:24.000 What are you going to do?

00:40:25.000 It's there.

00:40:26.000 You going to take it? 1.00

00:40:27.000 I just saved his fucking life. 1.00

00:40:29.000 Oh, I'm crying. 1.00

00:40:30.000 I practically made out with him.

00:40:33.000 I stopped him from sexually assaulting one of the Charlie's Angels.

00:40:37.000 The one.

00:40:38.000 Yeah, the one.

00:40:39.000 Farrah Floyd.

00:40:40.000 He goes, I want to kiss Farrah Floyd.

00:40:41.000 I go, you can't kiss Farrah Floyd. 0.98

00:40:43.000 I've never said that to another human being before or since.

00:40:46.000 Very few people probably ever have. 1.00

00:40:53.000 The first thing he says is, you fat fucking drug addict. 1.00

00:40:59.000 He had to throw fat in there, too. 1.00

00:41:04.000 And then he gives me a...

00:41:05.000 Oh, my God.

00:41:07.000 Oh, my God.

00:41:09.000 Again, this is something, things you wish you had on tape.

00:41:14.000 About 1998-ish, me, Mitch Hedberg, and Greg Giraldo both did sets.

00:41:19.000 We all three of us did sets at the Comedy Cellar.

00:41:21.000 And there was an old diner on 9th and 23rd called Chelsea Square Diner.

00:41:25.000 I don't know if it's still there anymore.

00:41:26.000 The three of us.

00:41:27.000 It was me, Greg, and Mitch.

00:41:28.000 And if you ask why God spared me out of that three, I have no idea.

00:41:33.000 It's just sheer luck.

00:41:34.000 But God spared me for some reason.

00:41:36.000 I don't know why.

00:41:38.000 And I remember talking, the three of us were talking about drugs.

00:41:41.000 And Hedberg, he told this to a couple of people.

00:41:44.000 And I didn't know Mitch as well.

00:41:45.000 I did a couple of gigs with him.

00:41:46.000 But, you know, he said, you know, a lot of people are trying to get me to stop.

00:41:50.000 I'm never going to stop.

00:41:51.000 He said, just don't waste your time.

00:41:54.000 I'm never going to stop doing it.

00:41:56.000 I love it that much.

00:41:58.000 And, you know, at the time, I didn't realize how dark that was.

00:42:04.000 And he died, you know, he's been dead almost 15 years now.

00:42:07.000 You're talking about a real genius.

00:42:12.000 He just was like, I know I can never stop.

00:42:16.000 That's how much it takes over to the point where you might die.

00:42:22.000 He goes, I don't care.

00:42:22.000 I want to do it this way.

00:42:27.000 Jesus.

00:42:28.000 Remember when he almost died from gangrene?

00:42:30.000 Yeah.

00:42:31.000 Because he was shooting into the same hole.

00:42:33.000 He was going through...

00:42:34.000 He might have been with Attal, I don't know, and Louis Black.

00:42:38.000 They did a tour together.

00:42:39.000 And again, that's one of the sadder stories.

00:42:41.000 The security at the airport smelled the gangrene.

00:42:45.000 Oh boy.

00:42:46.000 That's how they found out.

00:42:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:47.000 And they found shit. 1.00

00:42:48.000 I think he beat the case. 0.99

00:42:49.000 I think they found like paraphernalia or stuff, but you're talking about, you know, one of the best, maybe the best joke writer ever.

00:42:55.000 And he just doesn't, he just like, I just, again, when you live in this life, like standups, most of us dreamed of doing this our whole lives.

00:43:04.000 And now you're doing it.

00:43:06.000 Who's going to tell you to stop anything?

00:43:07.000 I think with him, too, they were inseparable.

00:43:10.000 The stand-up and the heroin together.

00:43:11.000 Yeah, like Miles Davis said, with playing the trumpet.

00:43:15.000 Again, you're talking about extreme personalities.

00:43:18.000 Yeah.

00:43:19.000 John Belushi.

00:43:20.000 Yeah.

00:43:21.000 And again, like you say, you have the same personality, but it just manifested itself in different ways.

00:43:25.000 I was lucky when I was a kid, I knew junkies.

00:43:28.000 Oh, so did I. My friend Jimmy's cousin was selling coke when I was in high school, and I watched him rot away.

00:43:33.000 I watched him shrivel up, and I remember...

00:43:37.000 I was also, I was very paranoid.

00:43:39.000 Right.

00:43:40.000 And I didn't want to ruin my life.

00:43:42.000 I was always worried about ruining my life.

00:43:44.000 Yeah.

00:43:44.000 So I'd see things like that.

00:43:45.000 I'd be like, all right, stay the fuck away from drugs. 0.99

00:43:47.000 Stay away from that. 0.99

00:43:48.000 That's an amazingly mature attitude at that point because I was a direct opposite.

00:43:52.000 I said, that's going to be part of the success.

00:43:55.000 Yeah, for me it was self-preservation.

00:43:58.000 And look, that's a smart way to think.

00:43:59.000 But I tell when I speak, I tell these kids because they're like, how did you make it, man?

00:44:05.000 Like, how did you make it in show business?

00:44:06.000 Like, they Google me and they see me, you know, on The Tonight Show.

00:44:09.000 They go, how did you do that?

00:44:11.000 In rehab, they're watching my movies on YouTube. 1.00

00:44:14.000 These kids are magicians with the fucking thing. 1.00

00:44:17.000 And I stand up and they go, how did you do this, being a junkie? 1.00

00:44:20.000 And I'm like, I don't know.

00:44:21.000 I can't even remember.

00:44:22.000 Well, that's part of the problem is that you're kind of rewarded for being so wild.

00:44:26.000 And being wild, it's accentuated by the drugs and by the craziness and gambling and all of it.

00:44:35.000 Well, I say the way Ray Romano wrote new jokes about having kids...

00:44:41.000 And a family.

00:44:42.000 You know, a lot of comics, you comment on your life.

00:44:45.000 That's how you get new material.

00:44:47.000 So my life was not a wife and kids.

00:44:49.000 My life was this craziness with drugs and gambling.

00:44:53.000 And that's where I sort of...

00:44:54.000 I mine that for material.

00:44:56.000 And it's also the audience loved it.

00:44:58.000 They loved the fact that you're out there living that life.

00:45:00.000 Like Bukowski or Hunter Thompson.

00:45:03.000 Anyone who's out there living that life, there's like...

00:45:05.000 It's romantic.

00:45:06.000 Yes, yes, yes.

00:45:08.000 You're not living like the average schlub. 0.99

00:45:11.000 Ray Liotta says it in Goodfellas.

00:45:13.000 We were rock stars.

00:45:16.000 All these guys who had to wake up and go to a 9-to-5 job.

00:45:18.000 We don't know that life.

00:45:22.000 Dude, I saw the other side when I was at this halfway house. 1.00

00:45:27.000 With all these crazy motherfuckers, I had to get a job as part of the program. 0.99

00:45:31.000 So I pumped gas and I worked on the back of a garbage truck for a while, throwing garbage. 1.00

00:45:36.000 And I pumped gas as a kid.

00:45:38.000 And you know the money we make for being on stage.

00:45:41.000 I'm going for that money.

00:45:42.000 I pumped gas 40 hours one week.

00:45:45.000 I got a check for $280 a year.

00:45:47.000 You know, so that's life, man.

00:45:49.000 Yeah, that's real life.

00:45:50.000 That's real life.

00:45:51.000 Yeah.

00:45:53.000 Okay, the story about this kid in the halfway house.

00:45:54.000 I had three roommates.

00:45:56.000 One was a carjacker.

00:45:57.000 The other one was an arsonist, okay? 1.00

00:45:59.000 This other kid was a junk. 0.99

00:46:01.000 This kid was my bunkmate. 0.99

00:46:03.000 He lived on the top bunk.

00:46:04.000 I was on the bottom.

00:46:05.000 He's like 22 years old.

00:46:05.000 He had a form of Tourette's.

00:46:07.000 Every 11 seconds, my hand to God, he made this sound.

00:46:11.000 Hey! 0.99

00:46:13.000 Every 11 seconds.

00:46:14.000 He went, hey!

00:46:16.000 All night. 0.55

00:46:18.000 To get to sleep, he watched porn on his phone. 0.81

00:46:22.000 So he loved a specific kind of porn.

00:46:24.000 And he would keep showing it to me. 1.00

00:46:25.000 He's jerking off on the top bunk. 0.96

00:46:27.000 And I got to go pump gas the next day. 0.99

00:46:28.000 I'm like, my life is fucking over. 1.00

00:46:30.000 And he loved watching these really fat black jigs get fucked by small white guys. 1.00

00:46:35.000 That's what he liked. 1.00

00:46:36.000 So this is what you hear all night.

00:46:38.000 You hear this. 1.00

00:46:39.000 Fuck me with that honky dick! 1.00

00:46:46.000 Fuck me, you little white pussy! 1.00

00:46:51.000 And political correctness is even in like jails. 1.00

00:46:55.000 In the old days, people would have just lit him on fire and thrown him in a dumpster. 0.65

00:47:00.000 But now it's a disease. 0.96

00:47:03.000 So he's got a disease. 1.00

00:47:05.000 But the kid, I go, you're on the fucking internet. 1.00

00:47:08.000 You can watch the hottest chicks on the planet. 1.00

00:47:10.000 He would jerk off these chicks. 1.00

00:47:10.000 I go, those chicks look like the 86 Celtics. 1.00

00:47:13.000 That looks like Bill Walton.

00:47:16.000 But then it's like this enormous Oprah-looking chick with a little Richard Simmons-looking guy, and he goes, Hey!

00:47:23.000 Hey! 0.99

00:47:24.000 Did you ever ask him why he's into that?

00:47:28.000 Sort of, but no explanation made any sense.

00:47:32.000 Okay, this other kid I was in jail with, I was in protective custody.

00:47:36.000 So if you're in protective custody at jail, it means you're a murderer, a snitch, or some sort of celebrity. 1.00

00:47:44.000 So you're up there with hardcore motherfuckers. 1.00

00:47:46.000 So this black kid who was next to me in the cell, great kid. 1.00

00:47:49.000 I love them.

00:47:50.000 I love them.

00:47:51.000 But when me and him were both out of the cell together for rec time, I noticed the guards were real protective of me.

00:47:56.000 Like, no, they would make him go in the shower and lock the shower while I walked past him.

00:48:01.000 He had some sort of ghetto Tourette's or something.

00:48:05.000 He'd ask you a question about your life and then he would interrupt you by going, Word Up!

00:48:10.000 I'm going to ask you a question.

00:48:11.000 Just start the answer.

00:48:13.000 What's your name?

00:48:14.000 Word Up!

00:48:16.000 Where are you from?

00:48:17.000 Word Up!

00:48:18.000 Born in Jersey.

00:48:19.000 Word Up!

00:48:21.000 Every 11 seconds he went, Word Up!

00:48:24.000 Word Up!

00:48:26.000 I love the guy.

00:48:26.000 Why was he protecting you?

00:48:27.000 Because I'm locked in myself 23 hours a day.

00:48:30.000 One of the guards told me the guy chopped up three women.

00:48:33.000 Oh.

00:48:35.000 Word up.

00:48:38.000 Cut up!

00:48:39.000 Yeah.

00:48:40.000 Oof.

00:48:40.000 So that's the...

00:48:41.000 You're rubbing elbows with these guys.

00:48:43.000 Jesus. 0.86

00:48:44.000 I think he chopped up three girls.

00:48:47.000 The most affable...

00:48:48.000 I like the kid.

00:48:50.000 I still basketball with him.

00:48:51.000 The Golden State was playing.

00:48:54.000 Yeah, because you're in solitary confinement.

00:48:57.000 Was he able to have conversations? 0.97

00:48:59.000 He was mentally ill, obviously. 0.93

00:49:01.000 But he kept... 0.99

00:49:03.000 Like I heard him on a phone.

00:49:04.000 The other thing about jail, man, they have tablets now.

00:49:08.000 They have the technology.

00:49:09.000 So for one hour a day, I was out of my cell.

00:49:12.000 And you could play basketball or whatever.

00:49:14.000 But you're in these cages.

00:49:16.000 So they give these young kids who are in jail for a long time tablets.

00:49:20.000 They could call anybody on the outside.

00:49:22.000 So they call their girlfriends, which is always a bad thing.

00:49:25.000 Like it starts out nice, but you hear the build.

00:49:27.000 Like, how you doing, baby?

00:49:29.000 Who's that?

00:49:30.000 Who's that in the background? 1.00

00:49:31.000 Who the fuck is that? 1.00

00:49:32.000 And they start screaming at him and they get violent. 1.00

00:49:34.000 And I go, don't call your girlfriend.

00:49:38.000 And when this kid would talk to anybody's life, he kept saying, word up!

00:49:42.000 Every five seconds.

00:49:43.000 So when you're trapped with these guys in your cell for 23 hours a day?

00:49:47.000 No, I had my own cell.

00:49:48.000 Protective custody is you have your own cell.

00:49:50.000 And what are you doing when you're in that cell?

00:49:52.000 For 23 hours a day.

00:49:53.000 I wrote.

00:49:54.000 Again, that helps being creative too.

00:49:56.000 I wrote.

00:49:58.000 And I read a lot.

00:50:00.000 I had a great lawyer.

00:50:01.000 My lawyer at the end sent me a lot of reading material. 0.99

00:50:04.000 Again, this is where Stern fans, though, you talk about how crazy you are.

00:50:07.000 They're also the sweetest people on the planet.

00:50:08.000 Stern fans all wrote me letters.

00:50:10.000 We're rooting for you.

00:50:12.000 I hope you get better.

00:50:14.000 They sent me books that they knew I liked.

00:50:17.000 And, you know, you kill time.

00:50:18.000 23 hours a day.

00:50:19.000 You basically have a bathroom.

00:50:21.000 So you have a pad and pen?

00:50:22.000 Yeah.

00:50:23.000 So you're writing things out?

00:50:24.000 Yeah.

00:50:24.000 Did you write stand-up?

00:50:26.000 Did you write memoirs?

00:50:27.000 I wrote a lot of stand-up, and I wrote this book.

00:50:28.000 I have a rough draft for a book, which is all stories like I was just telling you.

00:50:33.000 I mean, this book, I've written three books, and they're all crazy stories, but this one, if I do it the right way...

00:50:41.000 Which it's hard to fuck up because it's just repeating these stories. 0.93

00:50:44.000 It's going to be insane. 0.97

00:50:45.000 I'm sure, but I want you to...

00:50:47.000 You've got to release an audio version of it.

00:50:50.000 There's no way it's going to do you justice in the printed form where I have to interpret how you're saying these things.

00:50:56.000 The first book I had out, Too Fat to Fish, which debuted number one of the New York Times bestsellers.

00:51:02.000 That's another thing with drugs.

00:51:03.000 I read halfway through the audiobook and I couldn't do it anymore.

00:51:06.000 I was always in withdrawals in the booth.

00:51:07.000 So I quit.

00:51:08.000 I just quit in the middle of it.

00:51:10.000 So who read it?

00:51:11.000 I hired two guys with speech impediments.

00:51:13.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:51:14.000 On purpose?

00:51:14.000 Yeah.

00:51:21.000 One guy couldn't read.

00:51:22.000 He was reading a book.

00:51:27.000 One of the guys had trouble reading.

00:51:29.000 And he had to read a book.

00:51:30.000 Oh, my God.

00:51:33.000 Is that available right now?

00:51:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:35.000 I'm going to buy that tonight.

00:51:36.000 You can get that.

00:51:37.000 I'm going to buy the audio version of it tonight.

00:51:39.000 Halfway through, I just stop.

00:51:41.000 Halfway through, I get to chapter six, and then I just do a thing.

00:51:44.000 I go, guys, I quit.

00:51:46.000 And they put that in the audiobook.

00:51:48.000 I go, I'm not doing this anymore.

00:51:49.000 Oh, my God.

00:51:50.000 I'm sweating.

00:51:51.000 I'm leaving.

00:51:51.000 You hear me, like, leave the booth.

00:51:53.000 The next thing you hear is, then I had a thing come happen with...

00:52:01.000 The studio time took like four extra months.

00:52:06.000 Oh my god.

00:52:09.000 The publisher ran the mouse over and said, we're going over time.

00:52:13.000 If someone's going to read the book, they have to know how to read.

00:52:15.000 You know who David Goggins is?

00:52:18.000 He's a Navy SEALs.

00:52:19.000 Yeah, I've heard that name.

00:52:20.000 He did a great thing with his book where he wrote a book, but in the audio book, He had his business partner read it, and then he would talk about it afterwards.

00:52:29.000 Oh, okay.

00:52:30.000 Almost like a podcast form.

00:52:31.000 Right, right.

00:52:32.000 That's interesting.

00:52:33.000 Yeah, because the thing about these stories, like the way I'm hearing you say them, this is how I want to hear it in the book.

00:52:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:52:38.000 I don't want to hear you read your book.

00:52:39.000 Right, right, right.

00:52:40.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:52:40.000 Absolutely.

00:52:41.000 It's almost like you'd be better off, instead of writing a book, if someone just transcribed what you're saying.

00:52:47.000 Yeah.

00:52:48.000 A lot of these stories I tell in stand-up, too.

00:52:51.000 Yeah, but if somebody could just get out of the way, like if you can get someone who can interview you who's not going to get in the way, like these conversations, like just talk and then you just go with it.

00:53:01.000 That's a good point.

00:53:02.000 Well, technology's changing that game too.

00:53:03.000 That's putting out the idea of like a multimedia book.

00:53:07.000 Yes.

00:53:08.000 Absolutely.

00:53:08.000 Well, this is what Goggins did.

00:53:09.000 He put his book out.

00:53:10.000 You could read the book.

00:53:12.000 Right.

00:53:12.000 But then the audio version is the book plus.

00:53:15.000 So it's the book plus him explaining, like, these stories are actually fucking crazier than I'm even writing in the book.

00:53:22.000 There's more to each one of them that I left out.

00:53:24.000 Well, you know what's interesting about that?

00:53:24.000 The way I've written all three of my books with my buddy, the co-author, Anthony Boza, who's writing for Eminem.

00:53:31.000 He's writing Eminem's book right now.

00:53:32.000 And he wrote Slash's book right before me, Tommy Lee.

00:53:36.000 And he was writing a book with me and Courtney Love at the same time.

00:53:39.000 The kid almost jumped off a building.

00:53:42.000 He would listen to Courtney Love ramble.

00:53:44.000 And then he'd come to me, I'd be nodding off.

00:53:46.000 And then I was just making...

00:53:47.000 The kid didn't know he was coming or going.

00:53:51.000 He wanted to jump off the Chrysler building.

00:53:53.000 So...

00:53:54.000 And he's got to require the two of you to make a living.

00:53:57.000 Oh, my God.

00:53:58.000 He needs both of you.

00:53:59.000 Oh, my God.

00:54:01.000 Me and Nick DiPaolo had our own radio show for a little while.

00:54:04.000 Yeah, I remember.

00:54:05.000 And we got this big contract.

00:54:07.000 And the first time we did stand-up at the Tower Theater in Philly, Nick goes, Yeah, my life's great.

00:54:12.000 My entire future depends on Artie Lang.

00:54:14.000 Yeah.

00:54:15.000 Well, that was the attitude that he had on the show, too.

00:54:17.000 I watched the show, because it used to be on television.

00:54:20.000 Right, right, right.

00:54:20.000 It was one of the networks that was on Direct TV. Audience Network.

00:54:23.000 Direct TV. So I was watching, and I was like, these two are not getting along.

00:54:26.000 I know both of you. 0.80

00:54:28.000 And Nick is such a grumpy old Italian now. 1.00

00:54:32.000 He's so funny, but yeah.

00:54:33.000 Yes, very funny.

00:54:34.000 Great joke writer.

00:54:35.000 No, absolutely.

00:54:36.000 But...

00:54:37.000 The two of you guys, though, it was a weird mix.

00:54:40.000 One guy is this sort of grumpy guy who likes to complain about things.

00:54:44.000 The other guy's getting high all the time.

00:54:47.000 Gambling and everything that moves.

00:54:48.000 That sounds great! 0.99

00:54:49.000 Well, maybe you need a third person to fucking mediate. 0.98

00:54:53.000 Yeah, like a law enforcement official. 0.98

00:54:57.000 Some of you you both respect.

00:55:00.000 So the way we wrote the books was, I would tell the stories like I'm telling them to you into a recorder, and then we'd transcribe them.

00:55:11.000 And so it's almost like the premise was the way Mark Twain wrote, like people talk.

00:55:16.000 That's great, but the original recordings need to be preserved.

00:55:19.000 To say it again and again and again, you lose something.

00:55:21.000 Yeah, those recordings exist.

00:55:23.000 They just tell them the story.

00:55:24.000 That's what you need to release.

00:55:26.000 That's what everybody wants.

00:55:28.000 See, the polished, produced version of these things is never as good.

00:55:34.000 When I try to polish myself, it never works.

00:55:36.000 It doesn't work with anybody.

00:55:37.000 What people love is like, this conversation we're having right now is just you talking.

00:55:42.000 This is what people love.

00:55:43.000 They know you have the story.

00:55:45.000 You can't wait to tell it.

00:55:46.000 Oh, wait a minute.

00:55:47.000 Let me tell you this.

00:55:47.000 And then boom, it comes out and it's live.

00:55:49.000 It's like hanging out, shooting pool, telling stories.

00:55:51.000 It's alive.

00:55:52.000 It's alive.

00:55:53.000 And when it hits their ears, it's alive.

00:55:55.000 There's something missing when people are trying to overproduce things.

00:55:58.000 Say that again, Artie, but this time...

00:56:00.000 Well, that's why the HBO show I did for a few years, Crashing, Apatow was really smart with that.

00:56:07.000 He just sort of let me talk, and it worked.

00:56:12.000 That's a good point.

00:56:13.000 The stories are like...

00:56:15.000 This stuff's not even the tip of the iceberg.

00:56:18.000 It's just like...

00:56:20.000 It's chaos that I can't believe I put myself through.

00:56:22.000 I mean, God did spare me.

00:56:24.000 I should be dead a million times overdue.

00:56:26.000 In a lot of different ways. 0.98

00:56:28.000 A lot of different ways.

00:56:31.000 Just how it was.

00:56:32.000 Well, you're in a very unique position now because you did get through all that.

00:56:36.000 Because you did get through all that and now you're in nine months sobriety and you've got these great stories and you're funnier than ever.

00:56:42.000 It's a very weird position for you to be in because you can help a lot of people with this story.

00:56:46.000 I'd love to...

00:56:47.000 Well, again, you know, when you talk about the method thing with getting clean, the 12-step program, which a lot of people, obviously, if you're not in it, you know, it's a legendary, iconic program, AANA. But you don't really know what the 12-step is.

00:57:02.000 The premise is once you get to the 12-step, By you helping other people, it helps you.

00:57:10.000 In other words, because that's what you're talking about.

00:57:12.000 That's a productive way to use your time.

00:57:15.000 I'm going to go help this guy.

00:57:16.000 Like someone in NA will say, there's a guy dying and his family needs us.

00:57:20.000 And you don't even know the guy.

00:57:22.000 You go and you try to help him.

00:57:23.000 So by the end of helping him for five hours, you maybe save him, but you're also saving you.

00:57:29.000 So the premise is...

00:57:32.000 This was very poignant.

00:57:34.000 One of the speakers at Turning Point, this guy in rehab, really explained it perfectly.

00:57:40.000 At the beginning, Alcoholics Anonymous, it's also a great story, a great American story.

00:57:45.000 A stockbroker and a doctor couldn't stop drinking.

00:57:49.000 And they realized just by talking to each other, they could stop.

00:57:52.000 They helped each other.

00:57:53.000 So they devised these 12 steps.

00:57:55.000 So they would go around to hospitals.

00:57:57.000 This is in the mid-30s.

00:57:58.000 And they would say to the people at the hospital, is there anybody in the drunk ward, like a hopeless alcoholic?

00:58:04.000 And they'd go, yeah.

00:58:05.000 And they'd go, did they have any family here?

00:58:06.000 And they'd say, like, his wife is here.

00:58:08.000 She's, you know, desperate.

00:58:09.000 Can we talk to her?

00:58:11.000 So they would go to the wife. 0.97

00:58:13.000 The guy's in a hospital bed in alcoholic withdrawals, just a delirium.

00:58:17.000 And they would say to her, listen, we found a cure for alcoholism.

00:58:20.000 We think we found a cure for alcoholism.

00:58:22.000 Can we talk to your husband?

00:58:24.000 And she goes, you know what?

00:58:26.000 That sounds like a total fantasy to me.

00:58:29.000 You could try.

00:58:29.000 We've tried everything.

00:58:30.000 I don't know how you're going to cure him.

00:58:32.000 And they said, no, no, you don't understand.

00:58:33.000 He's going to cure us.

00:58:35.000 Like, by talking to him, we're going to get better.

00:58:39.000 Like, he's going to cure us.

00:58:40.000 And hopefully, along the way, he gets it.

00:58:44.000 You know, so that's like a simple premise, but that's a stroke of genius in a way.

00:58:48.000 It's like you're using your time for something insanely productive.

00:58:52.000 And you know, like you're a generous guy.

00:58:53.000 You like helping people.

00:58:54.000 You're a good friend, you know?

00:58:57.000 You get a little bit of a rush.

00:58:59.000 You get a lot out of it.

00:59:00.000 You get a lot out of it.

00:59:01.000 I tell people I'm like a selfish, generous person.

00:59:04.000 Right.

00:59:05.000 Exactly.

00:59:06.000 Well, they think, like the 12-step, they say it's true altruism, where true altruism is not the way these big corporations give back, but you get nothing in return.

00:59:16.000 Right. 0.96

00:59:16.000 But in a way, that's bullshit because it helps you. 0.96

00:59:20.000 You get something back. 0.99

00:59:21.000 When I help people, I get a rush.

00:59:23.000 It helps me.

00:59:24.000 That feeling you get if you give somebody you love a gift, the gift you're trying to give them is, look, we're trying to get you better.

00:59:30.000 And by the time you spend all this time working on them, you've stayed clean.

00:59:35.000 You know, it also does.

00:59:35.000 It radiates.

00:59:36.000 They'll do the same thing.

00:59:37.000 They realize that somebody helped them and that it helped you to help them.

00:59:41.000 And then they'll do it to someone else and they'll feel it as well.

00:59:44.000 And it also spreads the culture of being generous.

00:59:47.000 Again, you're right on the money.

00:59:48.000 That's very insightful because that's what AA is.

00:59:50.000 It's a domino effect.

00:59:51.000 Yeah, the culture of being generous is very important.

00:59:54.000 The culture of being friendly, the culture of being supportive.

00:59:57.000 The selfish people, they die alone. 1.00

00:59:59.000 It's a fucking horrible way to live. 1.00

01:00:00.000 Absolutely. 1.00

01:00:01.000 There's a lot of wealthy people I've met through this business who are just angry motherfuckers. 1.00

01:00:05.000 They're broken. 0.99

01:00:06.000 And they don't have anyone to call on.

01:00:08.000 No one loves them.

01:00:09.000 No one hugs them when they see them.

01:00:10.000 Absolutely.

01:00:11.000 Nobody gets excited.

01:00:12.000 You need that.

01:00:13.000 Well, this business is a particular thing during the TV era, which I think is kind of gone.

01:00:18.000 I think now we're in the internet era.

01:00:20.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:00:20.000 The internet era is what's happened.

01:00:22.000 But the internet era is a much more generous era because it actually helps everybody to have all these shows and no one's competing against each other in a sense because, you know, it used to be like there was one host of The Tonight Show.

01:00:32.000 Absolutely. 0.99

01:00:33.000 And everybody stabbed everybody to get that fucking job. 1.00

01:00:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:00:35.000 And that was those Late Night War, the movie with Letterman and Jay Leno.

01:00:37.000 And the stories about Carson, how ruthless he is with Joan Rivers if he tried to go up there.

01:00:41.000 Ruthless, yes.

01:00:41.000 I mean, that's how everybody was.

01:00:42.000 Why be that way? 0.98

01:00:43.000 I think back then it was a famine mentality because there was a few slots and there was hundreds of comics and everybody was just fucking fighting in the trenches with knives. 0.95

01:00:52.000 That was the... 0.78

01:00:52.000 No, look, again, see, you though as a good person with character, that's your attitude, which is great. 0.78

01:00:59.000 You live that lifestyle.

01:01:00.000 Like, in other words, what you're saying is important.

01:01:02.000 Like, this is the biggest podcast going.

01:01:04.000 If you were hosting The Tonight Show...

01:01:06.000 And look, I've been on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon a million times.

01:01:08.000 I kill every time.

01:01:09.000 But to have me on the mainstream...

01:01:11.000 And I love Jimmy, but...

01:01:13.000 To have me on a mainstream show talking like this, there's consequences to that, corporate-wise.

01:01:18.000 Yes, they can't do it.

01:01:19.000 They would fight you to have me on.

01:01:21.000 Yes.

01:01:21.000 So you're in a situation where me and you are two guys who've known each other a long time, who respect each other's work and as people.

01:01:29.000 And I'm a guy, I mean, let's face it, I'm trying to get back on my feet.

01:01:33.000 And you come to New York and you let me do this.

01:01:35.000 That's huge.

01:01:36.000 That's something you couldn't do.

01:01:37.000 I came to New York a day early.

01:01:38.000 Yeah.

01:01:38.000 That's why I'm here.

01:01:40.000 I was supposed to land today at 4 in the afternoon.

01:01:43.000 It's downright touching.

01:01:44.000 Listen, I love you, man.

01:01:45.000 I'm happy that you're doing great right now.

01:01:47.000 And if I can help put some wind in your sails and keep you moving in this great direction, I'm happy to.

01:01:53.000 A lot of people tell me, like, you got a lot of fans in rehab.

01:01:58.000 Everybody goes, I heard you on Rogan.

01:01:59.000 I heard you on Rogan.

01:02:00.000 Rogan was talking about you.

01:02:01.000 And it's always positive.

01:02:03.000 And dude, that helps me get out of bed some days.

01:02:06.000 It does.

01:02:06.000 And I'm saying, your point is well taken.

01:02:09.000 If you were hosting The Tonight Show, you'd have all these people batting you.

01:02:12.000 You can't have Artie on right now.

01:02:13.000 It's crazy right now.

01:02:14.000 But you in this position, you can.

01:02:16.000 You can do whatever you want.

01:02:17.000 You can do whatever you want.

01:02:18.000 And we're here right now in Louis' studio.

01:02:22.000 Because I guess in some way we're supposed to be competitors or something like that.

01:02:26.000 But we're not.

01:02:27.000 Lewis and I, we're all friends.

01:02:29.000 The podcast community is one of the most open, supportive communities. 0.99

01:02:34.000 And comics now, every comic has a fucking podcast. 0.89

01:02:37.000 And because of that, it's like everybody's supporting everybody. 0.98

01:02:40.000 Everybody's helping everybody.

01:02:41.000 Hey, Dan Soder's got a new HBO special.

01:02:43.000 Everybody go watch it.

01:02:44.000 Hey, Ari Shafir's got this thing coming out. 0.95

01:02:47.000 Everybody go check it out.

01:02:48.000 Everybody's helpful and everybody's supportive.

01:02:51.000 It helps that everybody you just mentioned, they're good guys.

01:02:53.000 But it's this community.

01:02:54.000 It's a different feeling that ever existed during those Tonight Show Wars.

01:02:58.000 No, not even close.

01:02:59.000 Not even close.

01:03:00.000 Not even close.

01:03:00.000 Those guys hated each other.

01:03:02.000 They did.

01:03:02.000 Even Stern.

01:03:03.000 When Stern was anybody in any other market.

01:03:05.000 I saw the Howard situation.

01:03:07.000 For eight years, that world.

01:03:10.000 Howard even says, Howard was this insane ball of talent and ambition.

01:03:16.000 And if you got in the way of that train, man...

01:03:18.000 If you were his competitor, he would go after you, your family, everything.

01:03:23.000 I saw that firsthand.

01:03:26.000 And you're talking about...

01:03:27.000 It's scary, but you're right.

01:03:30.000 That's a major positive about this situation.

01:03:33.000 But I think even the way Howard did it, it's like...

01:03:37.000 I don't think you could do it that way today.

01:03:39.000 No way.

01:03:39.000 Nobody would accept it.

01:03:40.000 No way.

01:03:41.000 No way.

01:03:41.000 It's a different world.

01:03:44.000 There's a lot of people who would check them on it before it got crazy.

01:03:49.000 But you talk about every comic.

01:03:51.000 Everyone has a podcast.

01:03:52.000 When I went to jail a couple times, I'd get my own cell.

01:03:54.000 And they'd go, why does he have his own cell?

01:03:56.000 Well, because he's on a big radio show.

01:03:58.000 And then, why do you want your own cell now?

01:04:00.000 Because I have a podcast.

01:04:01.000 And the guard says, well, so do I. I have a podcast.

01:04:03.000 LAUGHTER They do.

01:04:05.000 Everyone has one.

01:04:06.000 I mean, again, everybody shoots video.

01:04:09.000 It's a very... 1.00

01:04:10.000 I mean, look, it also inspires a lot of talentless boars to do this shit. 1.00

01:04:15.000 You've got to have some sort of... 1.00

01:04:17.000 But it's open-ended.

01:04:20.000 If you have something to offer and someone is a good person and you want to help them, you can do it.

01:04:27.000 With this platform.

01:04:28.000 Yeah, and the entry, it's not expensive.

01:04:31.000 You need an iPhone and just some sort of a Libsyn account or something like that.

01:04:35.000 Well, I'm starting another one.

01:04:36.000 Yeah, I know.

01:04:37.000 Beautiful.

01:04:38.000 It's called Artie Lang's Halfway House.

01:04:39.000 I love it.

01:04:40.000 It's great.

01:04:41.000 And the premise is these stories with Mike Boschetti and a lot of the guys I met in these crazy times with these crazy stories.

01:04:49.000 They're the most unique stories on the planet.

01:04:51.000 Well, you were doing a podcast from your apartment for a while, right?

01:04:54.000 Yeah, for two years.

01:04:55.000 But I was, you know, I was running, I was on drugs.

01:04:59.000 I mean, okay, I did a podcast in my living room.

01:05:03.000 I was late 18 times.

01:05:10.000 Puerto Rican comedians were beating me in my kitchen.

01:05:12.000 That's hilarious.

01:05:15.000 I was late 18 times.

01:05:17.000 That's hilarious.

01:05:19.000 People are waiting outside.

01:05:21.000 And I caught traffic by the bathroom, I would say.

01:05:25.000 So that's how out of control it was.

01:05:26.000 My friend Jay is one of the producers of The Doctors, and they were going to fix your nose.

01:05:31.000 But they were worried that if they did it, they'd have to give you painkillers.

01:05:36.000 Right.

01:05:36.000 Well, that's a big thing, too.

01:05:38.000 With the drug court thing, if you get any type of surgery, they got to do paperwork.

01:05:43.000 Also, the guy from Botched wants to do it, too.

01:05:45.000 I'm obviously in a bidding war to fix my nose.

01:05:47.000 What happened to it?

01:05:49.000 I don't know.

01:05:49.000 A bunch of things.

01:05:50.000 30 years of drugs.

01:05:52.000 Right.

01:05:52.000 Okay, you want to hear stories?

01:05:54.000 First of all, a bookie I was dealing with a few years ago had a guy who used to work for him who got this idea to try to get money out of me.

01:06:03.000 And he sucker punched me at me.

01:06:05.000 This kid was a 19-year-old boxer.

01:06:07.000 And I was going to my car one day.

01:06:10.000 And he thought I was like, he saw me on TV. He thought I was like a billionaire.

01:06:14.000 And I'm going to my car.

01:06:16.000 And I hear, Artie!

01:06:17.000 And the kid hits me with a right Right hand.

01:06:19.000 I mean, like you can never get off on a regular fight.

01:06:24.000 Like the way Tyson hit Trevor Burbank.

01:06:27.000 And right here.

01:06:28.000 Right here.

01:06:29.000 And collapse the bone right here. 0.95

01:06:32.000 Knock me out for 10 minutes.

01:06:34.000 At least 10 minutes.

01:06:36.000 And, you know, that situation got solved the way it got solved.

01:06:39.000 But, you know, I... What does that mean?

01:06:43.000 Well, I just had to deal with it in my own way.

01:06:46.000 I made up with the guy through, you know, intermediaries on the street.

01:06:51.000 And everybody's fine, and we moved on.

01:06:54.000 But the kid laid me out.

01:06:56.000 The kid, I mean, it's a 19-year-old, just boom.

01:06:58.000 And so that's one thing.

01:07:01.000 30 years of drug use, but this is one of the craziest stories.

01:07:05.000 So there was this stripper I used to go on the road with, and she would meet me in cities. 1.00

01:07:09.000 She was actually from Boston. 0.59

01:07:10.000 She was from Southie, and she was hot, but when she talked during sex, she sounded like Mark Wahlberg. 0.99

01:07:16.000 That accent's so gross. 1.00

01:07:18.000 Fuck me, you wicked heart! 1.00

01:07:20.000 But she was beautiful, and over the years, I would meet her at hotels. 1.00

01:07:25.000 She would call me on the road. 0.89

01:07:27.000 And she was a drug addict. 0.99

01:07:28.000 We used to snort drugs together.

01:07:30.000 So we're at a hotel in St. Louis.

01:07:33.000 It's about five years ago now.

01:07:35.000 No, no, less.

01:07:36.000 Four years ago.

01:07:37.000 And we're snorting OxyContin.

01:07:40.000 So to snort the pills, you got to crush them up.

01:07:44.000 So we're in this hotel room, this nice hotel room.

01:07:46.000 I got a show that night at a big theater.

01:07:52.000 And I take a shower.

01:07:54.000 She takes out about five pills and starts crushing them.

01:07:58.000 Now, it was a nice hotel, so we had room service.

01:08:00.000 The room service had a salt shaker that was glass.

01:08:03.000 So she couldn't crush one of the pills.

01:08:05.000 She takes... 0.99

01:08:06.000 She takes the salt shaker and starts hitting the pill with it.

01:08:08.000 And the salt shaker breaks.

01:08:11.000 Glass breaks.

01:08:12.000 Okay.

01:08:13.000 So then she takes a credit card and, you know, makes it into a fine powder, a fine dust, not knowing there's all glass in the powder.

01:08:23.000 She cuts out like four lines.

01:08:25.000 She gets called down to the desk to go.

01:08:29.000 I bought her a gift.

01:08:30.000 So she goes down to get the gift.

01:08:31.000 I come out of the bathroom and I see the lines and I take a pen that I cut down and I snort one of the lines and there's glass in it.

01:08:41.000 I snorted glass and oxycodone. 0.99

01:08:44.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:08:45.000 So it sounded like a zipper. 0.99

01:08:46.000 I saw one picture of your nose where it was enormously swollen.

01:08:50.000 That's after the kid punched me.

01:08:52.000 That was after he punched you?

01:08:53.000 That was after the kid punched me, yeah.

01:08:55.000 He tweeted it out. 1.00

01:08:57.000 He was trying to be a jerk off. 0.99

01:08:58.000 He took a picture of me with my phone and tweeted it. 1.00

01:09:01.000 He had a bad plan, put it that way, to try to get money out of me.

01:09:04.000 And the bookie, who, it's a long story, but anyway.

01:09:12.000 That was after I got punched.

01:09:13.000 Yeah, so that got out all over the place.

01:09:15.000 And again, that's my life.

01:09:16.000 That's the chaos that was my life.

01:09:18.000 But I snorted a line of oxycodone at all glass, fine, cut up glass.

01:09:23.000 It sounded like a zipper.

01:09:25.000 And then my nose just started to...

01:09:27.000 It just went nuts.

01:09:30.000 It was bleeding.

01:09:31.000 And I went to the hospital.

01:09:32.000 I had to cancel the show.

01:09:33.000 And I wanted to strangle the girl. 1.00

01:09:34.000 And that's when it caved in? 0.83

01:09:37.000 That started the process.

01:09:39.000 If you watch the show crashing...

01:09:42.000 I'm on that three seasons.

01:09:44.000 You could see my nose morphing into what it is now, like from a regular nose to what it is now.

01:09:50.000 And again, part of me, I tell young kids, part of me doesn't want to get it fixed because every time I look in the mirror, I go, this is a life.

01:10:00.000 This is what happened to me. 0.96

01:10:03.000 It's a reminder maybe to not fuck up again. 0.98

01:10:06.000 Yeah. 0.94

01:10:07.000 And maybe it tells kids that too.

01:10:09.000 It's just such a dangerous thing to get it fixed and then to be in that kind of intense pain and then have the temptation to take a pill.

01:10:16.000 The premise is while you're in the hospital you get what you need because you can't get it.

01:10:21.000 It's an operation so they got to put you out.

01:10:23.000 They put you out.

01:10:24.000 Yeah.

01:10:24.000 But then afterwards look I had my deviated septum fixed.

01:10:27.000 Right.

01:10:27.000 And they gave me a couple different painkillers that I didn't use.

01:10:30.000 I got out and I didn't use them when I had knee surgery either.

01:10:34.000 I don't like them.

01:10:35.000 Okay, let me ask you something.

01:10:36.000 See, this fascinates me.

01:10:37.000 So as a guy who gets obsessed with stuff, right?

01:10:40.000 Yeah.

01:10:40.000 And you feel that euphoria at that morphine drip.

01:10:43.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:10:45.000 The obsession over that feeling is not as strong as you not wanting to fuck your life up. 0.97

01:10:50.000 Not even close. 0.97

01:10:51.000 Yeah.

01:10:51.000 I know it feels great, but my brain is like, uh-uh.

01:10:55.000 Get out of here.

01:10:55.000 Cover your hand.

01:10:57.000 Tuck your chin.

01:10:58.000 Bob and weave. 1.00

01:10:58.000 Get the fuck out of the corner. 1.00

01:11:00.000 Get out of there. 1.00

01:11:01.000 Here's what a drug addict is.

01:11:02.000 This is where they claim it's a disease.

01:11:05.000 I'm smart enough to realize that too, but I do it anyway.

01:11:08.000 Yeah.

01:11:08.000 I'm the direct opposite.

01:11:09.000 But I never got into the drugs at a young age.

01:11:13.000 But still, you feel that feeling.

01:11:14.000 Yeah.

01:11:15.000 You know what I mean?

01:11:16.000 That's something like, to me, the sick person is, why don't you want to feel like that all the time?

01:11:21.000 Yeah.

01:11:22.000 Yeah.

01:11:23.000 It's crazy.

01:11:24.000 Like some people have a painkiller prescription, all these pills in a bottle, and they don't finish it.

01:11:29.000 I've got that premise to me.

01:11:30.000 Yeah, I sold mine.

01:11:33.000 I took Percocets.

01:11:35.000 I think it was Percocets when I had my first knee operation after the morphine drip.

01:11:38.000 I got out.

01:11:39.000 They gave me Percocets. 1.00

01:11:40.000 I took it one day, and it made me so stupid. 0.99

01:11:44.000 Okay. 0.99

01:11:44.000 I remember sitting on my couch going, God, I'm so dumb right now. 0.99

01:11:47.000 I can't think. 0.66

01:11:49.000 In one day, I counted because I was obsessed with it.

01:11:53.000 I took 123 Percocet in one day.

01:11:55.000 Oh my God.

01:11:57.000 So I got pancreatitis.

01:11:59.000 Jesus Christ.

01:12:00.000 I was on the liver list and then my liver came back. 1.00

01:12:03.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:12:04.000 You were on the transplant list? 1.00

01:12:06.000 They were about to put me on the list.

01:12:09.000 The doctor said to my family, he said to my mother and sister, he's going to need a liver.

01:12:13.000 This is five years ago.

01:12:16.000 Because I got out of control with the Percocets, which is why I went back to snorting.

01:12:19.000 I was trying not to snort.

01:12:20.000 I was taking them orally.

01:12:21.000 For your health.

01:12:22.000 Yeah, right.

01:12:22.000 It's better for your liver.

01:12:25.000 So once you snort the glass, how do they get it out of your nose?

01:12:29.000 Well, I went to the emergency room.

01:12:30.000 I was in the hospital for like four days.

01:12:32.000 What do they do?

01:12:33.000 They cut it out?

01:12:34.000 Yeah, they had to go in.

01:12:36.000 They do a surgery where they knock you out.

01:12:37.000 They got to go up and they clean it out.

01:12:38.000 And then I had surgery again a couple of years ago to do it.

01:12:41.000 So there's no, like, I can breathe good and everything now.

01:12:44.000 I don't know, you know, but again...

01:12:46.000 They would take a piece of your rib. 1.00

01:12:48.000 That's what they would do.

01:12:49.000 They'd take your cartilage from in between your rib, which will eventually grow back, and then they would prop it up.

01:12:53.000 They do it to fighters.

01:12:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:12:55.000 I met the guy at the doctor's.

01:12:57.000 I went to go see him.

01:12:58.000 The guy who does that.

01:13:00.000 And he was like, I don't know.

01:13:01.000 He goes, he never saw a worse nose.

01:13:04.000 Wow.

01:13:05.000 He looked in the nose and he goes, I never saw a worse nose.

01:13:06.000 That's incredible.

01:13:08.000 Congratulations.

01:13:09.000 Yeah, well...

01:13:11.000 I'm very goal-oriented.

01:13:12.000 But if they did fix it, the real issue would be what it feels like when you get out of the hospital.

01:13:19.000 Right.

01:13:19.000 And whether or not that would disrupt your progress enough to the point where you would slip right back.

01:13:25.000 Well, again, I'm making more mature decisions now because I could have went right into this.

01:13:31.000 But...

01:13:33.000 And again, the doctor at Botch was cool about it, too.

01:13:35.000 He said, you need more clean time.

01:13:36.000 At least a year before you even try.

01:13:39.000 Yeah.

01:13:39.000 Well, good for him for thinking that way instead of just...

01:13:41.000 It would be a big episode for them, you know?

01:13:43.000 And again, if I couldn't breathe, it'd be one thing.

01:13:46.000 But I can breathe all right.

01:13:48.000 I never looked like David Beckham anyway.

01:13:50.000 What do I care?

01:13:51.000 It's got to give you some material on stage as well.

01:13:53.000 Absolutely.

01:13:56.000 I say, stop the smell of roses in life, and they had cocaine on them. 0.98

01:14:01.000 It's been an odyssey of craziness.

01:14:04.000 My life has just been an odyssey of craziness.

01:14:06.000 Now, we tried to do this in LA. One of the reasons why I had to come to New York is your parole officer would not let you get on a plane.

01:14:12.000 Right now, the probation I'm on doesn't let you travel.

01:14:15.000 You can't leave the state more than 24 hours.

01:14:17.000 So when you go to do a gig...

01:14:19.000 Come back that night.

01:14:20.000 I used to do that anyway.

01:14:21.000 I don't love staying.

01:14:23.000 I'm in Poughkeepsie tonight, and it's a two-hour, and I'm coming right back.

01:14:28.000 Yeah, I like that.

01:14:28.000 One show.

01:14:29.000 The other thing, I used to get...

01:14:30.000 Whenever I tried to come back, I'd get greedy, and I would start doing two, three shows a night for the money.

01:14:36.000 I do one show, mostly.

01:14:38.000 So you don't get burnt out.

01:14:39.000 You time it out.

01:14:41.000 You pace out your energy.

01:14:42.000 You do the one show.

01:14:43.000 And I come back.

01:14:45.000 Because the money is good enough.

01:14:47.000 Don't get crazy.

01:14:49.000 Don't put your health at risk.

01:14:51.000 Don't stress yourself out. 0.80

01:14:53.000 The good thing is that sort of mature thinking you have about not wanting to fuck up your life. 0.88

01:15:00.000 Each day I get more and more to thinking that way.

01:15:03.000 So it's improving still, even though you're nine months in.

01:15:06.000 It's a constant.

01:15:07.000 I mean, that's like to a lot of people.

01:15:09.000 Like endurance.

01:15:09.000 Like you're strengthening your endurance, your resolve.

01:15:12.000 Mentally, more than anything.

01:15:13.000 Yeah.

01:15:13.000 Well, it's almost all mental.

01:15:15.000 At this point, it is.

01:15:16.000 Yeah.

01:15:16.000 At this point, it is.

01:15:20.000 Something spared me, and I'm 52. I would love my legacy to be someone that helped people.

01:15:25.000 But you already have, whether you realize it or not.

01:15:28.000 And I guarantee you, if you keep going, you will.

01:15:31.000 I hope so.

01:15:32.000 You will.

01:15:32.000 No, it's 100%.

01:15:33.000 If you keep going with these stories, with your personality and your sense of humor, this is 100% going to help people.

01:15:40.000 And not just a few. 0.97

01:15:41.000 Fucking millions of people. 0.98

01:15:43.000 You know, Robert Downey Jr., when the paperback version of my first book came out, I wrote a paragraph about him to where, you know, again, about the ruthlessness of show business. 0.99

01:15:55.000 People say show business is very forgiving.

01:15:57.000 Well, if you're that talented of an actor, like Robert Downey Jr., they let you come back.

01:16:03.000 And through his assistant, he contacted me and...

01:16:09.000 Was so, was so nice.

01:16:11.000 Like, you know, and again, at this point he was Iron Man, you know, and he, you know, and I'm this comedian.

01:16:18.000 He's a big Stern fan.

01:16:19.000 He had read the book and he appreciated that I, that I was complimenting to him in the book.

01:16:23.000 And again, there's an example of the 12 step stuff.

01:16:26.000 He really was like, he goes, I'm through, he said basically to me, I'm here for you.

01:16:31.000 If you need me, I'm here for you.

01:16:32.000 Joe Walsh from the Eagles, who I met through the Stern Show, same thing.

01:16:36.000 That's amazing.

01:16:37.000 These guys are like, because it helps them.

01:16:41.000 It helps everybody.

01:16:43.000 So Robert Downey helped me in a way just by knowing that he got better.

01:16:47.000 Because you talk about chaos.

01:16:48.000 His life was...

01:16:49.000 I remember talking about him on the Stern Show when he got found.

01:16:51.000 You know, the stripper with the Wonder Woman outfit and crystal meth.

01:16:55.000 He had a stripper dressed like Wonder Woman and crystal meth in somebody else's house. 0.99

01:16:59.000 But I've always wondered a guy like that that's so fucking talented. 0.98

01:17:03.000 He's talented in this weird, explosive, sort of creepy way. 0.94

01:17:07.000 He's a unique guy. 0.99

01:17:08.000 If you watch his movies, even if he's in a shit movie, he's great in it. 0.97

01:17:11.000 You always look at what he's doing. 0.98

01:17:13.000 He makes unique choices as an actor.

01:17:15.000 But I've always wondered if the engine behind that is the same engine of addiction.

01:17:19.000 Absolutely.

01:17:19.000 Impulsive, wild, reckless sort of energy.

01:17:22.000 And now he just contains it in progress and success.

01:17:25.000 He's constantly working.

01:17:27.000 I mean, I don't know him personally, just through that contact I just told you about.

01:17:32.000 It seems like he's way into the program of AA or NA. And again, it's also like the premise of going to a meeting, an NA meeting.

01:17:43.000 I try to go to five or six a week now, and that's not even...

01:17:46.000 They want you to go to 90 and 90. There's a lot of comedians in recovery.

01:17:51.000 I won't mention who they are, but it's an anonymous thing.

01:17:54.000 There's so many guys where 20 years ago there was a stigma attached to it.

01:17:57.000 There's not anymore.

01:17:58.000 I think people understand now.

01:18:00.000 It's not being weak.

01:18:01.000 People used to think it's weak.

01:18:02.000 It's like these are behavior patterns.

01:18:04.000 They're thought patterns and you get stuck in a rut of them.

01:18:07.000 There's a smooth carved path that your behavior just slides right in and goes. 0.99

01:18:12.000 And it's hard to hit those fucking brakes and stop that path. 0.99

01:18:15.000 And you use the behaviors to manipulate. 0.99

01:18:18.000 Like, if you have a talent, like a sense of humor.

01:18:20.000 You know, it's funny.

01:18:21.000 One of my POs said to me, you're going to tell me you never used your sense of humor to obtain drugs?

01:18:26.000 I go, I don't know what drug dealers you know, but they don't accept jokes as payment.

01:18:31.000 Like, listen, Noodles, I want that ounce of cocaine. 0.95

01:18:33.000 I have no cash, but knock, knock.

01:18:36.000 That's not going to work.

01:18:37.000 You use your sense of humor to get the money to buy the drugs.

01:18:40.000 Indirectly.

01:18:41.000 What the people at the task evaluators at Drug Court and a lot of these rehabs do is they link exactly what you just said.

01:18:48.000 They link every behavior back to drug use.

01:18:51.000 Like, why act in this way?

01:18:54.000 Why being charming if you can be charming?

01:18:56.000 Some people can't be charming.

01:18:57.000 Some people just rob you.

01:18:59.000 Well, I was talking about this with a friend of mine recently about girls, about basically every comic really became funny because they were trying to figure out a way to get girls to like them.

01:19:09.000 Absolutely. 0.99

01:19:10.000 That's the first pussy. 1.00

01:19:11.000 100%. 0.99

01:19:12.000 That's it.

01:19:12.000 I mean, with men, you try to explain it to women.

01:19:15.000 Like, for me, like...

01:19:18.000 You're up to about 11 or 12. All you want to do is hit a home run in Little League.

01:19:21.000 And then one summer, you see a set of tits or something, and then it's all about pussy. 1.00

01:19:25.000 That's it. 1.00

01:19:26.000 You just got to try to get pussy. 1.00

01:19:27.000 Yeah, that's it. 1.00

01:19:28.000 And then that is, talk about an addiction.

01:19:30.000 Yeah, oh my God. 0.99

01:19:31.000 And then if you get involved, like the girl I was telling you about, if you get involved with a chick who's got a drug problem with opioids and is good looking, who you want to fuck, you're talking about Adolf Hitler. 1.00

01:19:42.000 Chicks are manipulative already. 1.00

01:19:45.000 But if you have a pussy and a drug problem, What did Richard Pryor say? 1.00

01:19:50.000 He goes, I don't know why bitches always complain and they got half the money and all the pussy. 1.00

01:19:56.000 That Richard Pryor, that's Socrates type shit. 1.00

01:19:58.000 It is. 1.00

01:19:59.000 That sums up life. 1.00

01:20:00.000 That literally should be on his fucking grave. 1.00

01:20:02.000 They got half the money and all the pussy. 1.00

01:20:04.000 I'll give you another story. 1.00

01:20:05.000 Okay, you ready?

01:20:06.000 This is being a drug addict.

01:20:07.000 I was with this other girl at Martha's Vineyard.

01:20:10.000 This is like 20 years ago.

01:20:11.000 And I went to visit John Belushi's grave on Big Belushi Fam.

01:20:15.000 I had an eight ball of coke on me.

01:20:16.000 And everybody at Belushi's grave, I was in Paris once where I got arrested for drunkenness.

01:20:21.000 But anyway, they do this at Jim Morrison's grave.

01:20:24.000 People leave bottles of booze, like heroin needles, sometimes loaded on Jim Morrison's grave.

01:20:30.000 So people have beers and everything on Belushi's grave.

01:20:32.000 So I took the eight ball of coke out and I took half of it and I left a couple of rocks on top of Belushi's headstone at like three in the afternoon.

01:20:40.000 And I said, that's on me, John.

01:20:42.000 Four o'clock in the morning, I went back and got it.

01:20:45.000 It was still there?

01:20:46.000 Yeah.

01:20:48.000 At four o'clock in the morning, me and the girl ran out of coke and I said, is it raining?

01:20:51.000 She goes, why?

01:20:51.000 I go, come on, we're going to go back.

01:20:57.000 Oh my God.

01:20:58.000 I went back and got the cocaine.

01:20:59.000 Oh my God.

01:21:00.000 He didn't need it anymore.

01:21:01.000 No, I don't think so.

01:21:02.000 The gesture was already in place.

01:21:03.000 Could you imagine, though, the level of retardedness that is your life at that point? 1.00

01:21:10.000 I'm with a girl at four in the morning and I go, is it raining?

01:21:12.000 Okay.

01:21:13.000 She goes, why?

01:21:14.000 Because I left the Coke on the thing.

01:21:15.000 And we're both hoping he can get, you know.

01:21:17.000 Oh my God.

01:21:18.000 Another guy, a young kid.

01:21:20.000 The other great thing about AA meetings is someone could say the most profound thing from any walk of life.

01:21:26.000 Like some professor who's a genius at MIT could be in a meeting with a cook at a diner.

01:21:32.000 And the cook says something because he's got a different perspective on it.

01:21:35.000 This kid said once, who was a janitor, the best part about cocaine is going to get it.

01:21:41.000 And that is totally... 0.99

01:21:43.000 That's the smartest fucking thing. 0.99

01:21:44.000 It sounds so simple, but when you hear someone has it, you go... 0.99

01:21:49.000 I always said...

01:21:50.000 I'm surprised a lawyer, a prosecutor, hasn't tried to convict somebody on this yet.

01:21:53.000 They call DUI driving under the influence.

01:21:56.000 You're totally under the influence of drugs driving to get them.

01:21:59.000 I don't care if they're in your body yet.

01:22:00.000 You're under the influence of drugs.

01:22:02.000 You want to get high.

01:22:03.000 You're speeding to get to the dealer. 0.62

01:22:06.000 So if you kill a kid on the way to get coke...

01:22:10.000 They're going to test you. 0.97

01:22:11.000 It's not in your body, but you were totally under the influence of Colgate.

01:22:14.000 You know, I mean, that's like...

01:22:16.000 You might just have opened up a whole new can of worms.

01:22:19.000 I don't want my brothers to get around.

01:22:21.000 But I'm saying, like, am I under the influence?

01:22:23.000 It's not in me, but I'm influenced by it completely.

01:22:26.000 And it is.

01:22:27.000 It's like a kid on Christmas morning.

01:22:29.000 If you're a drug addict, you anticipate that...

01:22:31.000 See, I equated it with fun.

01:22:33.000 The gambling, you know.

01:22:35.000 Because what's gambling?

01:22:36.000 It's just instant fun.

01:22:37.000 You're bored to death.

01:22:39.000 Are you still watching sports?

01:22:41.000 Yeah, I don't like it as much.

01:22:43.000 Of course not.

01:22:45.000 I used to bet...

01:22:46.000 Again, I like pure gambling.

01:22:47.000 People who...

01:22:50.000 People who bet on stuff and handicap it, that's like a job.

01:22:54.000 Who wants a job?

01:22:54.000 I don't want a job.

01:22:55.000 I don't want to do research on a fucking game. 0.99

01:22:57.000 I just want to bet. 0.99

01:22:58.000 Find out who's injured. 0.99

01:22:59.000 Yeah, I don't want to do any of that shit. 0.99

01:23:01.000 That's not action. 0.99

01:23:02.000 Because then you kind of know what might happen.

01:23:04.000 I used to go to the Mirage Sportsbook in Vegas.

01:23:07.000 They have a line on everything.

01:23:08.000 You could bet on two kids playing wiffle ball in Minnesota at the Mirage.

01:23:11.000 They have a line on everything.

01:23:14.000 It's heaven for gamblers.

01:23:16.000 So I would bet on sports I knew nothing about and then do cocaine.

01:23:20.000 And like 4 o'clock in the morning, I'm going around to people at the bar going, Hey, did you see the high school lacrosse scores?

01:23:25.000 I got Ramapo versus Don Bosco prep.

01:23:29.000 I would bet on lacrosse because I knew nothing about it.

01:23:33.000 Wow.

01:23:33.000 I would put each Super Bowl from 2004 to 2011. I had 10 grand on a coin toss.

01:23:39.000 10 grand on a coin toss.

01:23:41.000 And seven of the times I probably...

01:23:43.000 Five times I probably lost.

01:23:45.000 So before the kickoff, I was down 10 grand.

01:23:47.000 Now, how far behind are you?

01:23:50.000 All lifetime.

01:23:51.000 If you want to look at lifetime gambling.

01:23:53.000 Just gambling?

01:23:54.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:23:57.000 Because everybody's behind.

01:23:59.000 3.2 million.

01:24:01.000 Wow.

01:24:03.000 Probably 3.2 million is where I've lost gambling. 1.00

01:24:06.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:24:08.000 If I had to be, I'd do that math in my head a couple of times, you know, yeah. 0.99

01:24:13.000 I'd say I'm not about 3, over $3 million.

01:24:14.000 That's very specific.

01:24:16.000 3.2 is very specific.

01:24:17.000 Yeah, because I updated it in my head.

01:24:20.000 Because I'm obsessed about that too.

01:24:23.000 You know, to lose that much money, you got to bet on the Jets a lot.

01:24:30.000 I had an uncle.

01:24:31.000 I had an uncle.

01:24:31.000 I used to do this joke.

01:24:32.000 My uncle was a degenerate gambler.

01:24:34.000 And he said, you know, Art, when I was a kid, I was into the Jets.

01:24:37.000 And then I got into girls. 1.00

01:24:39.000 And then I got back into the Jets because I realized there's times when a girl won't fuck you, but the Jets will always fuck you. 1.00

01:24:47.000 And he's so right. 1.00

01:24:50.000 So you can't figure it out.

01:24:52.000 The coin toss is pure gambling. 1.00

01:24:55.000 Heads or fucking tails. 1.00

01:24:56.000 10,000. 0.99

01:24:57.000 When that's about to happen, I can't describe it.

01:25:00.000 What's the rush when it gets heads and you crawl the heads? 1.00

01:25:03.000 It's like pussy. 1.00

01:25:04.000 It's almost like pussy. 1.00

01:25:05.000 It's not like pussy. 1.00

01:25:06.000 But it's something. 0.99

01:25:07.000 It's close to it.

01:25:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:25:11.000 And then, so now how do I keep that fucking going? 0.96

01:25:13.000 And when you were on Stern, too, it came up, so it was almost kind of encouraged because it was a thing. 0.96

01:25:18.000 Well, again, Howard gets a bad rap sometimes.

01:25:20.000 I don't mean encouraged by him, but I mean, just the fact that...

01:25:23.000 Again, Howard tried to help me a lot, and he was good to me.

01:25:26.000 I just...

01:25:27.000 He didn't...

01:25:28.000 Like, again, when you're in a junkie's life, eventually you don't know what to do.

01:25:30.000 Right.

01:25:30.000 You don't know what to do if you don't live that life.

01:25:32.000 Like, Howard and I, a lot of our rapport on the air worked because he was the most disciplined human being ever, and I was the most undisciplined.

01:25:40.000 It was like the odd couple.

01:25:42.000 So from the first time I went in here with Norm MacDonald, I had the story about getting arrested and made a TV. He goes, I love out of control guys.

01:25:49.000 They're fun.

01:25:50.000 So when I got on the show, it's four and a half hours you're feeling every day.

01:25:53.000 It was part of my life.

01:25:54.000 So I would talk about going to Vegas and gambling.

01:25:57.000 But I'm on the air.

01:26:00.000 The camera's always on you on that show.

01:26:02.000 So I'm on the air committing felonies. 0.92

01:26:04.000 I'm talking to bookies, dealers, hookers. 1.00

01:26:10.000 There was a guard there. 0.61

01:26:12.000 After Heath Ledger died as a joke, I said I had the same dealer as Heath Ledger as a joke.

01:26:17.000 And it was a joke.

01:26:18.000 The DEA shows up at Stern with the windbreakers on, says the DEA. He says, we've got to talk to Artie.

01:26:24.000 Pull me out there on a commercial.

01:26:25.000 I'm like, I'm at work, bro.

01:26:28.000 And I was joking around.

01:26:30.000 I told him I was joking around. 1.00

01:26:32.000 And one of the guards who worked there said, Artie, man, you are one entertaining fucker. 0.99

01:26:40.000 He goes, the guard was like, he thought it was hard. 1.00

01:26:43.000 He goes, the DEA! The fucking DEA! He goes, you're on a Howard Stern show, baby! 1.00

01:26:52.000 You made it!

01:26:53.000 You made it! 1.00

01:26:54.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00

01:26:55.000 The DEA is here! 1.00

01:26:57.000 He goes, motherfucker! 1.00

01:26:59.000 The DEA came for this motherfucker! 1.00

01:27:01.000 This motherfucker's a gangster! 1.00

01:27:05.000 The DEA! And Howard just looked at me and said, no, no, no, no, no, no. 1.00

01:27:09.000 He gave me to look like Greg Gerardo gave me.

01:27:13.000 In my head, I sometimes, when I think of Greg, you know, you have all these moments where, like, just Greg doing it.

01:27:19.000 That one moment.

01:27:20.000 That one moment. 1.00

01:27:20.000 Arnie, you fat fucking drug addict. 1.00

01:27:23.000 You can't kiss Farrah Fawcett! 1.00

01:27:26.000 Who tells another guy that?

01:27:30.000 The crazy thing is if you see Greg on stage, you see him with a microphone, you would never think he was out of control.

01:27:35.000 No.

01:27:36.000 Because he was so smart.

01:27:37.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:27:37.000 His writing was so good.

01:27:39.000 Absolutely.

01:27:39.000 He seemed so educated and smooth.

01:27:42.000 Okay, the last movie Chris Farley ever did was Dirty Work.

01:27:45.000 So I'm in the movie with him.

01:27:47.000 And right after Dirty Work, right before he passed away, he hosted Saturday Night Live.

01:27:53.000 So Norm was still doing Weekend Update.

01:27:54.000 So Norm called me up and said, listen, Farley's out of control.

01:27:57.000 Come to the party after the show because you got to help me watch him.

01:28:01.000 That's how bad he was.

01:28:01.000 I was watching him.

01:28:02.000 You had to help watch.

01:28:03.000 I had to help watch him.

01:28:04.000 So this is how fast Norm is, though.

01:28:07.000 This is a testament to Norm's wit.

01:28:10.000 So I'm at the party and Norm is talking to somebody and I'm watching Chris.

01:28:15.000 I'm on coke.

01:28:16.000 I'm coked up.

01:28:17.000 So I see Farley disappear into a bathroom with Andy Dick.

01:28:22.000 Oh boy.

01:28:23.000 Okay, him and Andy go into a bathroom.

01:28:24.000 They come out five minutes later like giggling.

01:28:27.000 Norm comes over to me and goes, what's going on with Chris?

01:28:30.000 I go, bad news, bro.

01:28:31.000 He goes, what?

01:28:32.000 I go, he went into a bathroom with Andy Dick.

01:28:34.000 I said, there's only two reasons a man goes into a bathroom with Andy Dick.

01:28:37.000 And neither one of them's good. 1.00

01:28:39.000 And Norm looked at me without missing a beat and said, holy fuck, I hope he's high. 0.99

01:28:53.000 I didn't see Norm say that! 1.00

01:28:56.000 Holy fuck, I hope he's high! 1.00

01:28:58.000 That's a great impression of Norm! 1.00

01:29:00.000 Holding his stomach?

01:29:02.000 Good news, he was high.

01:29:04.000 Chris Farley showed up on the set of news radio one day to visit Andy.

01:29:07.000 I'm sure he did.

01:29:08.000 He had the complexion of wet cardboard.

01:29:12.000 I've never seen a man look more unhealthy.

01:29:14.000 Dude, I went to a strip club with him in Toronto.

01:29:16.000 We shot the movie in Toronto.

01:29:17.000 We had chicks hanging out. 1.00

01:29:18.000 I mean, he was just like...

01:29:19.000 Oh, out of control.

01:29:20.000 Yeah.

01:29:21.000 When he died and that chick took a picture of him with the foam coming out of his mouth, laying on the ground.

01:29:26.000 Yeah.

01:29:27.000 That's where you knew it was going to end.

01:29:29.000 That's the people you're around.

01:29:30.000 Exactly.

01:29:31.000 Exactly.

01:29:31.000 Yeah.

01:29:32.000 It's like...

01:29:35.000 One quick Mitch Hedberg story. 0.97

01:29:36.000 So I opened up for Mitch Hedberg like 22 years ago and he comes up to me after the show and he goes, hey, Artie, man, you're a fat guy.

01:29:43.000 I go, that's what he said.

01:29:44.000 I go, I could lose a couple, but what are you talking about?

01:29:46.000 He goes, I wrote a joke that I can't do because I'm not fat, but I give it to you.

01:29:52.000 He goes, you know when you're a kid and they tell you to wait a half an hour after you eat before you go swimming?

01:29:57.000 And I'm like, yeah.

01:29:58.000 He goes, you should say you've never been swimming because it's never been more than a half an hour since you last ate.

01:30:03.000 And I go, that's a great joke.

01:30:05.000 And I could have that joke.

01:30:06.000 He goes, yeah.

01:30:07.000 So then he comes back and he was smoking a lot of weed.

01:30:09.000 So he comes back totally serious.

01:30:11.000 He goes, hey man, you're right.

01:30:12.000 That is a good joke.

01:30:12.000 I'll make you a deal.

01:30:13.000 If I gain like a hundred pounds before you do that on TV, I get the joke.

01:30:18.000 I'm like, all right, whatever.

01:30:19.000 So, okay.

01:30:19.000 So cut to like a month later.

01:30:21.000 I'm with Norm MacDonald having dinner with people.

01:30:24.000 And Norm does that joke about me.

01:30:26.000 He goes, hey man, Artie's never been swimming.

01:30:29.000 It's never more than a half an hour since he last ate. 0.99

01:30:30.000 I'm like, where the fuck did you hear that joke? 0.99

01:30:32.000 He goes, I heard a fat guy do it at the comedy store. 1.00

01:30:36.000 I go, really?

01:30:36.000 So I see Mitch two weeks later.

01:30:38.000 I go, Mitch, what the fuck, bro? 1.00

01:30:39.000 You gave me that joke. 1.00

01:30:40.000 Norm said he saw a fat guy do it at the comedy store. 1.00

01:30:43.000 So he's all fucked up. 0.99

01:30:44.000 And he goes, hey Artie, man, you know, listen, I'm sorry. 0.99

01:30:46.000 You know, I get fucked up a lot. 0.99

01:30:48.000 I forget shit. 1.00

01:30:49.000 I probably gave that to a lot of fat guys. 1.00

01:30:51.000 LAUGHTER Ha ha ha ha ha ha! 0.99

01:30:57.000 He was the weirdest joke writer ever because it was all silly non-sequiturs. 0.96

01:31:02.000 Everything was a non-sequitur. 0.91

01:31:04.000 No bits transferred into other bits.

01:31:06.000 Just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.

01:31:08.000 It's great to watch Mitch, like I get such a kick out of watching him now, do a set where he starts off bombing.

01:31:16.000 Like he'll tell a joke and the audience doesn't get it.

01:31:19.000 And he'll go like, okay, you guys don't like me yet.

01:31:22.000 I'll keep trying.

01:31:23.000 And then he gets him.

01:31:23.000 And then the first big laugh he gets, he's like a little kid.

01:31:26.000 He goes, yeah!

01:31:30.000 He was my favorite to listen to his album on the way to the airport.

01:31:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:31:35.000 Because LAX traffic is so horrible.

01:31:36.000 And he just laughed. 0.95

01:31:37.000 But it was so silly. 0.97

01:31:38.000 Yeah, it's silly and smart at the same time. 1.00

01:31:41.000 Smart and silly. 0.97

01:31:42.000 One of my favorite jokes ever is somebody said, do you want a frozen banana? 0.99

01:31:47.000 I said, no, but I want a regular banana later, so yes. 1.00

01:31:54.000 It's such a fucking ridiculous joke. 0.99

01:31:56.000 It's perfect. 1.00

01:31:57.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.97

01:31:58.000 Well, he did a joke once. 0.98

01:32:00.000 He did this joke on TV somewhere, and you could almost tell he paused before he did it because he'd get in a lot of trouble.

01:32:05.000 He goes, my FedEx man is a drug dealer, and he doesn't know it.

01:32:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:13.000 I mean, that's like fucking, you know. 0.99

01:32:15.000 Or how about like, I used to do drugs. 0.99

01:32:17.000 I still do drugs, but I used to, too.

01:32:21.000 Well, the crazy thing about him is he would do, you know, an hour, ten minutes of that. 0.99

01:32:25.000 Like, how the fuck do you remember what you said and don't say when you're on heroin? 0.99

01:32:29.000 Nah, nah, nah. 0.99

01:32:29.000 Well, that's the thing. 0.99

01:32:30.000 I forget shit all the time. 0.99

01:32:31.000 Like I said, like I bet on the other team. 1.00

01:32:33.000 Yes.

01:32:34.000 With the bookie.

01:32:34.000 I would bet on the other team.

01:32:36.000 But he was high when he was doing shows, right?

01:32:38.000 And at the end, the last time I saw Mitch was two weeks before he died at Stern.

01:32:42.000 And then I went to go see him at Caroline's and...

01:32:44.000 Like, you're watching this genius.

01:32:47.000 Shell.

01:32:48.000 A shell.

01:32:49.000 Literally a shell.

01:32:50.000 Like, he was, you know, taking drugs from people in the audience, pills.

01:32:55.000 I took a birth control pill once because I thought it was a Vicodin.

01:32:57.000 Some woman gave me a pill. 1.00

01:32:58.000 Jesus Christ.

01:32:59.000 I didn't have the baby.

01:33:00.000 It worked. 1.00

01:33:01.000 But he was, like, scratching at the walls and shit. 0.99

01:33:05.000 I'll give you one more quick Norm thing. 0.99

01:33:07.000 So, when Dirty Work came out, I got awful reviews.

01:33:09.000 And, uh... 0.99

01:33:10.000 The reviewer of my hometown paper said, Artie Lang has all the charm of a date rapist. 0.99

01:33:14.000 That's what it said. 0.99

01:33:15.000 So Norm goes like this. 0.99

01:33:16.000 He goes, hey man, that's fucking great. 0.99

01:33:19.000 I go, why? 1.00

01:33:20.000 He goes, a date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist. 0.98

01:33:29.000 And that made me feel better. 0.98

01:33:32.000 Yeah, so, I mean, listen, man.

01:33:35.000 I'm alive.

01:33:36.000 I don't know how, but I'm alive.

01:33:37.000 Look, you're healthy, you're happy.

01:33:39.000 You know, one of the things that I've noticed when I started seeing you do these little Instagram videos, it's like...

01:33:45.000 Your eyes.

01:33:46.000 Your eyes are there.

01:33:48.000 You're present.

01:33:49.000 That was what was interesting.

01:33:50.000 There was a sparkle to your eyes that wasn't there the last time that I saw you.

01:33:54.000 Right.

01:33:55.000 Well, everything changes, man.

01:33:56.000 You look at someone's eyes, especially if you're like amphetamines and stuff, they become peed.

01:34:02.000 You're putting poison in your body, so I stopped doing that.

01:34:06.000 Listen, if you ever need anything from me, I'm here.

01:34:09.000 Just reach out.

01:34:10.000 Actually, my mother's got glaucoma. 1.00

01:34:12.000 You know that guy you have on the show, David Sinclair?

01:34:14.000 Yes.

01:34:15.000 I need a contact for him because my mother needs that optic nerve thing. 1.00

01:34:20.000 She heard about it.

01:34:21.000 Yeah, I don't know what they're doing with that yet.

01:34:24.000 They've got something where they're going to inject bacteria that's somehow or another altered into your eye and it's going to fix people's veins.

01:34:32.000 Well, that's how wide your audience is.

01:34:34.000 My mom said, oh, Joe Rogan had a guy on about a optic nerve.

01:34:37.000 Yeah, it's very interesting stuff.

01:34:39.000 David Sinclair is his name.

01:34:41.000 Yeah.

01:34:41.000 I got to get the number from you.

01:34:43.000 Okay, yeah.

01:34:44.000 But listen, Joe, thanks, bro.

01:34:46.000 Listen, I love you, man.

01:34:47.000 I'm happy to see you this way.

01:34:48.000 I love you, too.

01:34:49.000 I'm glad we did this.

01:34:50.000 I'm happy we did, and thank you for it.

01:34:52.000 Thanks for taking the time.

01:34:53.000 My pleasure.

01:34:54.000 All right.

01:34:54.000 Bye, everybody.

01:34:57.000 Yay! 0.99

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 04, 2019

Joe Rogan Experience #1376 - Artie Lange

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript