The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1426 - Justin Martindale

00:00:07.000 No, no, no, no.

00:00:23.000 But cigarette smoke stays...

00:00:25.000 Yeah.

00:00:26.000 Like, that gets in the walls and in the fabrics and all that stuff.

00:00:29.000 Like, the weed just kinda...

00:00:31.000 For us.

00:00:33.000 Right.

00:00:34.000 But I think other people that don't smoke weed, they smell it.

00:00:36.000 Yeah, and those people need to get out of California. 1.00

00:00:39.000 I mean, you smell it everywhere you go now.

00:00:42.000 I know.

00:00:42.000 I'm so numb to it.

00:00:44.000 Everywhere.

00:00:44.000 It makes me laugh when I can see a tourist.

00:00:47.000 They're just like, oh, oh, oh.

00:00:48.000 It's so funny.

00:00:49.000 It's so funny.

00:00:50.000 My wife kind of gets that way, and she smokes weed. 1.00

00:00:52.000 It's funny.

00:00:53.000 But when we're with the kids, if we go somewhere, she's like, oh, lovely.

00:00:56.000 She'll smell it.

00:00:57.000 Women are so funny when they have kids. 1.00

00:00:59.000 All of a sudden, they get real protective of everything.

00:01:02.000 That's where conservative people...

00:01:03.000 Mama bear.

00:01:03.000 Yep, yep, yep.

00:01:04.000 They want to protect that den.

00:01:06.000 Oh, great.

00:01:07.000 Yeah.

00:01:07.000 Lovely.

00:01:08.000 Out in public.

00:01:09.000 Like, I was doing it an hour ago. 0.99

00:01:11.000 It always makes me laugh when it's in the morning and you're like, shit, it's like 9am and someone's just smoking a blunt outside of brunch. 0.99

00:01:19.000 Well, yoga, there's this one dude that I go to yoga with, this old fella, and he has a van and he parks his van right next to the yoga place and he gets fucking blasted! 0.99

00:01:31.000 Just hotboxed? 0.99

00:01:32.000 Blasted! 0.97

00:01:33.000 It's like a Cheech and Chong movie.

00:01:34.000 He opens up that van and climbs into yoga class.

00:01:37.000 You could see him just whacked out in class sometimes, too.

00:01:41.000 Hotbox yoga?

00:01:41.000 Yeah.

00:01:42.000 You could see him in class, just like, he's in the middle of doing his yoga and, like, freaking out, like...

00:01:48.000 I saw a guy in the steam room at the gym doing that.

00:01:50.000 He was just like, should I call someone?

00:01:53.000 He could be on anything.

00:01:54.000 The steam room at the gym is a dangerous area.

00:01:57.000 People are half naked and they get weird.

00:02:00.000 Yeah, that steam makes you do crazy things.

00:02:02.000 I just close my eyes and just meditate.

00:02:04.000 And try not to pay attention to the sounds going on.

00:02:07.000 Also, you're just sitting there, right?

00:02:11.000 So people get anxious.

00:02:12.000 They get antsy.

00:02:13.000 Just sitting there.

00:02:14.000 And then you get those really aggressive breathers who are just like, and you're like, was that a climax?

00:02:19.000 What was that?

00:02:21.000 Oh, by the way, hold on before I get it.

00:02:22.000 Speaking of climax, five years ago I came and did your podcast.

00:02:28.000 Was it that long ago?

00:02:29.000 It was five years ago, yeah.

00:02:30.000 That's crazy.

00:02:31.000 It was up and coming. 0.99

00:02:31.000 God damn, it takes a long time. 0.99

00:02:33.000 Out of a tool shed. 0.99

00:02:36.000 Yeah, we were not far from here.

00:02:37.000 And here we are.

00:02:38.000 What do you got?

00:02:38.000 That was last Valentine's Day, so I feel like I got you some Valentine's Day candy.

00:02:45.000 Oh, hearts!

00:02:45.000 Because I feel like we have a running theme here, so...

00:02:47.000 Was it Valentine's Day last time, too?

00:02:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:02:49.000 No shit! 0.99

00:02:50.000 It was. 1.00

00:02:51.000 Wow.

00:02:51.000 So this is the week of Valentine's, so I get it.

00:02:53.000 To Joe from Justin.

00:02:55.000 Yep.

00:02:55.000 So sweet.

00:02:55.000 You know, I'm getting more candy in your life.

00:02:58.000 These are like weird candies, right?

00:02:59.000 Because they only sell them because they're in the heart shape.

00:03:02.000 Yeah.

00:03:02.000 Right?

00:03:02.000 If they were stars, people are like, what the fuck kind of bullshit candy is that?

00:03:05.000 Yeah, and they're probably filled with cyanide and horrible things for your body. 1.00

00:03:08.000 I don't think so.

00:03:09.000 So enjoy.

00:03:10.000 I don't think so, because they want to sell more.

00:03:12.000 Yeah.

00:03:13.000 Just a good old-fashioned mess. 0.99

00:03:15.000 Dude, did you see that fucking video of China where they're spraying disinfectant in the streets to try to kill the coronavirus? 1.00

00:03:22.000 Jamie, it's on my, uh, is that bullshit? 1.00

00:03:24.000 But they do that shit in Arkansas. 1.00

00:03:26.000 Some of it's bullshit. 1.00

00:03:27.000 Some of them are real, but some of them, I think, are not accurate videos. 0.99

00:03:30.000 I don't know.

00:03:31.000 I've seen it on a couple different spots online.

00:03:33.000 I've seen it, too.

00:03:34.000 I've seen various ones.

00:03:35.000 Some of them look a little more egregious. 0.96

00:03:36.000 Let's pretend we're ignorant and we don't know any better. 1.00

00:03:38.000 But watch the video, because it's fucking bonkers, man. 0.99

00:03:41.000 They're driving through the streets, spraying everything at street level. 0.98

00:03:45.000 The thing I saw going around before, which is you didn't...

00:03:47.000 They were spraying with drones.

00:03:48.000 They were using drones to actually do it. 0.55

00:03:49.000 They're flying around people.

00:03:51.000 It begins...

00:03:52.000 Oh, my God.

00:03:53.000 But see, they do that in the South with mosquitoes. 0.96

00:03:55.000 Yes.

00:03:56.000 So it's kind of like that. 0.99

00:03:57.000 Fucking terrible for you, too, by the way. 1.00

00:03:58.000 If you breathe that shit in, if it kills mosquitoes, it'll kill you, too. 1.00

00:04:02.000 Absolutely. 1.00

00:04:02.000 That fucking stuff is awful. 1.00

00:04:03.000 All of our relatives are like, go play outside. 1.00

00:04:05.000 We're like, is this safe?

00:04:06.000 And they're like, yeah.

00:04:07.000 It's just off.

00:04:10.000 Let's watch this real quick.

00:04:11.000 Oh, fine.

00:04:12.000 It's on my Twitter.

00:04:13.000 Also, along with my man Eddie Izzard, is running 28 marathons in 28 days in 28 countries.

00:04:21.000 Good God.

00:04:21.000 All through the month of February.

00:04:24.000 All in drag. 0.95

00:04:25.000 I have socks on my floor.

00:04:26.000 So look at this.

00:04:27.000 Look how crazy this is, man.

00:04:28.000 Yeah, this is nuts. 1.00

00:04:28.000 These fucking people, they're spraying shit out of cars. 1.00

00:04:32.000 They're walking on the streets spraying buildings. 1.00

00:04:34.000 It's all disinfectant.

00:04:36.000 Apparently this coronavirus, they say, can live outside of a host for three days. 0.97

00:04:41.000 So if you have, like, coronavirus on your hand, you touch a railing, that shit will exist outside of your body for three days, which is very unusual. 1.00

00:04:51.000 That's like some parasite shit. 0.99

00:04:53.000 Well, this is what these doctors have been saying forever. 1.00

00:04:57.000 The one that died?

00:04:58.000 That's one of them.

00:04:59.000 But the doctors that studied at the CDC, Duncan and I went to the CDC down in Galveston, I think it is, and we were talking with these infectious disease experts, and we were all conspiracy theory-like.

00:05:12.000 We were worried about...

00:05:14.000 Man-made viruses.

00:05:16.000 And he goes, listen, you don't have to worry about man-made viruses. 1.00

00:05:18.000 He goes, these motherfuckers are making themselves. 1.00

00:05:20.000 They're mutating. 1.00

00:05:21.000 He didn't use the term motherfucker. 1.00

00:05:22.000 Well, right. 1.00

00:05:23.000 Well, he wanted to.

00:05:24.000 Probably did.

00:05:24.000 But he was saying, they make themselves, and they happen all the time, and we barely can keep up with them, and it just takes one big, giant one, like the Spanish flu.

00:05:34.000 The crazy thing, the Spanish flu was 1920, and this is 2020. Interesting. 0.73

00:05:39.000 Every hundred years.

00:05:40.000 Yeah, and I want to say before that was what, like yellow fever or something? 0.95

00:05:43.000 There's probably some shit in the 1820s. 0.81

00:05:45.000 Yeah, like down in the south, like the Carolinas and Georgia. 0.97

00:05:47.000 Find out what was the pandemic in the 18...

00:05:50.000 Oh, here's the drones.

00:05:51.000 Jesus.

00:05:52.000 Army of drones deployed across China, dispensed disinfectant. 0.99

00:05:55.000 See, here's why I call that bullshit on that. 1.00

00:05:57.000 How much fucking disinfectant can they carry in that little bullshit-ass drone? 1.00

00:06:01.000 That ain't gonna kill. 1.00

00:06:02.000 You know what I mean?

00:06:03.000 They're so little.

00:06:04.000 That ain't gonna kill.

00:06:04.000 They can go refill.

00:06:05.000 And I love how it says army of drones.

00:06:07.000 There's like three. 1.00

00:06:08.000 It's a bullshit-ass army. 1.00

00:06:09.000 Calm down. 1.00

00:06:10.000 The thing, them driving to the streets freaked me out more than anything.

00:06:13.000 Yeah, that's intense.

00:06:14.000 It is intense.

00:06:15.000 That's just like a fog.

00:06:17.000 The other thing, too, which was scary, I think it was real.

00:06:20.000 There was a drone that followed a woman out of her house.

00:06:23.000 She didn't have a mask on, and it was like, ma'am, you don't have a mask. 0.98

00:06:27.000 Please go home.

00:06:28.000 Go home.

00:06:29.000 And it followed her home.

00:06:30.000 In China?

00:06:31.000 Yeah.

00:06:33.000 I can't translate, so I don't know if what it was saying was if someone just made a video to be scary. 0.99

00:06:37.000 This shit really is like a movie. 0.99

00:06:39.000 It is. 1.00

00:06:40.000 It's totally a movie.

00:06:42.000 Because everyone's got to be locked down in their houses.

00:06:45.000 They say kids are starving to death because they're locked in their houses and their parents are in the hospital.

00:06:49.000 They just had another...

00:06:50.000 I think I got a notification last night that said there was a guy in San Diego that's being treated.

00:06:57.000 I'm like, God...

00:06:57.000 Yeah, it's just a matter of time.

00:06:59.000 Just let me do the Rogan podcast before I get coronavirus, you know?

00:07:03.000 You're here, and neither of us have it, I think.

00:07:06.000 They say you're supposed to wash your hands a lot, but that was before they realized that it's transmitted through the air.

00:07:11.000 So I don't think that helps.

00:07:12.000 What's going on?

00:07:13.000 This is the lady?

00:07:15.000 This drone is speaking to you.

00:07:17.000 Could you imagine?

00:07:17.000 She has no idea what's going on.

00:07:18.000 She's so high.

00:07:19.000 You shouldn't walk without wearing a mask.

00:07:21.000 Yes, you better be home.

00:07:22.000 Don't forget to wash your hands.

00:07:23.000 She's got blue hair. 0.95

00:07:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:07:25.000 Could also see someone fucking around to make a scary video. 0.99

00:07:28.000 Maybe. 0.99

00:07:28.000 But it also could be real. 0.99

00:07:30.000 Now a drone is...

00:07:31.000 It could be real.

00:07:34.000 Why did you come outside without a mask?

00:07:37.000 The snow will melt itself in a few months.

00:07:40.000 What?

00:07:40.000 A few months.

00:07:41.000 Is that a haiku?

00:07:42.000 What is this?

00:07:42.000 Stay at home with food and drinks.

00:07:44.000 Why do you always come outside? 0.99

00:07:46.000 This might be bullshit, but it might be real. 0.98

00:07:50.000 I'm not feeling good about it. 0.99

00:07:52.000 It scares me, man.

00:07:54.000 It is.

00:07:54.000 It's like these things absolutely can wipe out millions and millions of people before they can get a handle on it.

00:08:02.000 I was on a plane a couple weeks ago flying from New Orleans back here, and I had this Viking woman behind me just open-mouthed coughing, and I was like, first of all, No. 0.99

00:08:16.000 Second of all, I had to turn around and say, hey, can you please cover your mouth?

00:08:20.000 And I had to do that to an adult woman. 0.59

00:08:22.000 And it made me feel weird. 0.99

00:08:23.000 Some people are just fucking selfish. 0.99

00:08:25.000 On a plane. 1.00

00:08:26.000 Some people, they just don't care.

00:08:28.000 They're just selfish.

00:08:29.000 Yeah.

00:08:29.000 They don't even care that other people feel uncomfortable.

00:08:32.000 They're just like, I have to cough!

00:08:33.000 Yeah, and you're going to all experience it.

00:08:35.000 Yeah, some people, if they're sick, they want you to be sick.

00:08:38.000 They're not happy.

00:08:39.000 Malicious.

00:08:40.000 And malignant. 1.00

00:08:42.000 Assholes. 1.00

00:08:42.000 I'm worried. 1.00

00:08:44.000 Don't be.

00:08:45.000 You know what I've been worried a lot about lately is glyphosate.

00:08:48.000 I've been reading into glyphosate.

00:08:50.000 Same.

00:08:51.000 What is that?

00:08:53.000 You can't just glyphosate me.

00:08:54.000 What is that?

00:08:55.000 It's Roundup.

00:08:56.000 It's a chemical that they use for pesticide.

00:09:01.000 Oh.

00:09:01.000 For agriculture.

00:09:03.000 And I was reading this whole thing about glyphosate and how toxic it is and how many people have gotten cancer from glyphosate and how often they use glyphosate on vegetables.

00:09:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:09:14.000 I'm like, motherfucker. 1.00

00:09:15.000 That's why you have to wash your vegetables. 1.00

00:09:17.000 I don't think you want...

00:09:18.000 Yeah, it's all in there anyways.

00:09:19.000 Yeah.

00:09:19.000 Here it is.

00:09:20.000 As many as 85,000 glyphosate cancer lawsuits significantly closer to settlement after federal trial suspended. 1.00

00:09:27.000 Yeah, there's a lot of motherfuckers that got cancer from this shit. 1.00

00:09:30.000 That's the roundup. 1.00

00:09:31.000 That's the weed thing, right?

00:09:35.000 Yeah.

00:09:35.000 Kills your weeds.

00:09:37.000 I think it kills pesticides.

00:09:39.000 It's weed and...

00:09:40.000 What does it say there?

00:09:41.000 Scroll down.

00:09:41.000 Scroll back up there.

00:09:42.000 No, the actual image of...

00:09:44.000 Oh, goddammit, these pop-ups.

00:09:46.000 What does it say? 0.93

00:09:46.000 It says weed and grass killer? 0.93

00:09:49.000 Okay, so it's not a pesticide.

00:09:51.000 It's just for weeds.

00:09:53.000 Yeah.

00:09:53.000 But I bet it kills pests, too.

00:09:56.000 Oh, it kills everything. 0.99

00:09:57.000 But apparently a lot of people that are gardeners and that are working on golf courses, golf courses apparently, get it a lot because they spray that shit everywhere because they want everything to just be grass. 0.98

00:10:13.000 But does it leave like a brown spot? 0.99

00:10:15.000 No, I don't know how the fuck it kills the weeds and doesn't kill the grass. 0.89

00:10:19.000 Yeah, that is bizarre. 0.97

00:10:19.000 I'm Googling too. 0.97

00:10:20.000 There are other stories that are going around.

00:10:23.000 EPA reaffirms that glyphosate does not cause cancer.

00:10:26.000 Don't worry, folks.

00:10:27.000 Just drink it.

00:10:28.000 There was a guy at a press conference who was saying, I could drink this glass of glyphosate and it wouldn't do me any harm.

00:10:36.000 Some guy goes, drink it.

00:10:37.000 And he didn't.

00:10:37.000 And he didn't drink it.

00:10:38.000 Of course he didn't drink it. 1.00

00:10:39.000 Yeah, he's full of shit. 1.00

00:10:40.000 Talk the talk, talk the talk. 1.00

00:10:41.000 Yeah, talk is cheap, you fuck. 1.00

00:10:44.000 That glyphosate stuff. 1.00

00:10:45.000 It's like, look, weeds are supposed to be there, man.

00:10:48.000 They're supposed to grow along with everything else.

00:10:50.000 That's how it's supposed to work. 0.99

00:10:51.000 You can't decide what shit grows. 1.00

00:10:53.000 You're supposed to pluck those weeds. 1.00

00:10:54.000 That's what I was going to say, just pull them out. 1.00

00:10:56.000 Yeah, you fucking lazy bitch. 1.00

00:10:57.000 Oh, thank God. 1.00

00:10:58.000 But if you have a garden, you can pluck your weeds. 0.88

00:11:01.000 But if you have a gigantic monocrop agriculture farm and 6,000 acres of corn or alfalfa or some shit, you can't really... 0.96

00:11:09.000 Glyphosate or pluck it. 0.93

00:11:11.000 You can't really pluck it. 1.00

00:11:12.000 You gotta spray that bitch. 1.00

00:11:14.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

00:11:15.000 Whenever something happens like this coronavirus thing, I get worried about all kinds of stuff. 0.97

00:11:20.000 I start worrying about all kinds of weird fucking toxins and chemicals, you know? 0.98

00:11:25.000 Does that make sense? 0.99

00:11:26.000 Yeah.

00:11:27.000 Well, that's what I always...

00:11:28.000 I think about that all the time.

00:11:30.000 Do you?

00:11:30.000 I do.

00:11:31.000 Well, like, I grew up in the South, so it's like I remember, like, crop dusters, like, flying over, and I remember...

00:11:37.000 To kill mosquitoes, right?

00:11:38.000 Yeah.

00:11:38.000 Well, the mosquitoes and then the actual, like, planes that would come over and just dump everything.

00:11:43.000 And then I look up, and then I start thinking about chemtrails.

00:11:46.000 And this is just a Tuesday.

00:11:48.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:11:49.000 You know, but I think about like that shit like, you know, when it rains and then that stuff gets into the water supply and then you're just like, oh, I got a Brita filter, but is it really? 0.99

00:11:58.000 You know? 0.98

00:11:58.000 There's another yoga guy that I know that teaches yoga and he didn't know that you're not supposed to swim in the ocean right after the rain. 0.98

00:12:07.000 What?

00:12:08.000 What?

00:12:08.000 In Los Angeles, apparently, it's super dangerous to get in that ocean.

00:12:13.000 Yeah, because all the runoff. 0.72

00:12:15.000 Because the way LA's system is, you know, the LA River and all that jazz, which is sort of a fake river.

00:12:19.000 It's not even a river at all.

00:12:20.000 But it's perfect for LA. Call it the LA River, the LA River.

00:12:25.000 It is perfect when you look at it.

00:12:26.000 You're like, oh yeah, it's fake.

00:12:27.000 It's perfect.

00:12:28.000 It's literally just a concrete stream.

00:12:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:31.000 Well, it's like a fucking gross drainage. 0.99

00:12:33.000 It's just enormous. 1.00

00:12:35.000 Well, when that bitch goes down into the ocean, it carries with it all the garbage, all the chemicals, oil from the streets, all that stuff. 1.00

00:12:44.000 Needles. 1.00

00:12:45.000 Yeah.

00:12:45.000 And it's all in the water.

00:12:46.000 And so when you go surfing right after that, you get really fucking sick. 0.78

00:12:50.000 And he was telling me he got deathly ill because he just didn't know any better. 0.88

00:12:54.000 He was just out there.

00:12:55.000 He's from Argentina, I guess, where it's not as much of an issue there.

00:13:00.000 And he was in that water. 0.99

00:13:01.000 He got fucked up. 0.99

00:13:02.000 He said he was a wreck for like two weeks. 1.00

00:13:05.000 Yeah, that'll knock you out.

00:13:06.000 I mean, if you're... 0.57

00:13:08.000 That's just gross. 0.97

00:13:10.000 Just sewage stew.

00:13:11.000 Yeah, right?

00:13:12.000 Just floating around in it.

00:13:13.000 It's just weird that they decided to make the LA River like that.

00:13:16.000 Like, I've never seen anything like that.

00:13:18.000 Look at the LA River.

00:13:20.000 That's after a big storm.

00:13:22.000 That was this year?

00:13:23.000 No, that was last year.

00:13:24.000 January 19th.

00:13:25.000 Okay. 1.00

00:13:25.000 Look at that motherfucker. 1.00

00:13:28.000 Just all condoms and poop. 1.00

00:13:31.000 I'm listening. 0.98

00:13:32.000 I'm listening. 1.00

00:13:35.000 And fucking gonorrhea. 1.00

00:13:36.000 Well, that's what they did with the reservoir. 1.00

00:13:38.000 They had to drain it because it was filled with shit. 1.00

00:13:41.000 It was filled with shit and bodies and cars and stuff. 1.00

00:13:43.000 It's like, ugh. 1.00

00:13:44.000 Well, they say so many people are on antidepressants and SSRIs and all that jazz that the water supply has a certain amount of it in it because people flush.

00:13:53.000 And they flush, and apparently some of the water that we use is actually recycled.

00:13:58.000 They take your piss water and they turn it around. 0.63

00:14:02.000 Did you know that?

00:14:02.000 Nope, but now I do.

00:14:04.000 Yeah, I don't know if it's everywhere.

00:14:05.000 Drinking pee.

00:14:07.000 You're basically drinking recycled piss water.

00:14:10.000 Yeah.

00:14:10.000 Mmm.

00:14:12.000 Essential.

00:14:12.000 Have you ever seen that giant tube?

00:14:14.000 It's basically an aqueduct, but it's like a big pipe.

00:14:17.000 It's like hundreds of miles long.

00:14:19.000 That's how we get our water here. 0.77

00:14:21.000 I've actually seen it in person.

00:14:22.000 Yeah, someone walked it, I think, recently.

00:14:24.000 There's a video I saw, but...

00:14:25.000 I've seen it in person.

00:14:27.000 I think it goes through Tejon Ranch.

00:14:30.000 It's an enormous pipe.

00:14:34.000 Yeah.

00:14:34.000 So what have we learned this Valentine's Day?

00:14:37.000 Everything's trash.

00:14:38.000 Is today Valentine's Day? 0.99

00:14:39.000 No, it's Friday.

00:14:40.000 Oh, this Friday.

00:14:41.000 I think, yeah.

00:14:41.000 People are just not supposed to live that stacked on top of each other like that.

00:14:46.000 We're supposed to live in small villages in the woods with just enough food.

00:14:49.000 I'm down for that.

00:14:50.000 I want a tiny home.

00:14:51.000 Do you?

00:14:51.000 Yeah.

00:14:51.000 You want one of them little mobile things?

00:14:53.000 Yeah, a little tiny home in the woods.

00:14:54.000 Really?

00:14:55.000 With a fire pit out front.

00:14:56.000 Could you survive in the woods? 0.77

00:14:57.000 Probably not, but I have a lesbian friend. 1.00

00:14:59.000 Yeah.

00:15:01.000 Her name's Denise.

00:15:02.000 Lesbian friends are good? 1.00

00:15:04.000 Yeah.

00:15:04.000 The ones with those Patagonia vests?

00:15:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:07.000 Every carabiner.

00:15:09.000 She's on survival mode 24-7.

00:15:11.000 We have earthquake drills every day.

00:15:13.000 Really?

00:15:14.000 Not really.

00:15:15.000 Does she stay in your building?

00:15:16.000 She's in the building, yeah.

00:15:17.000 Oh, okay.

00:15:18.000 Yeah, she's my alpha.

00:15:19.000 Does she keep food? 1.00

00:15:20.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:21.000 Really?

00:15:21.000 Canned, preserved, storage.

00:15:24.000 You know you're going deep when you have that fucking preacher food. 1.00

00:15:26.000 You know that stuff like that Jim Baker was selling? 1.00

00:15:29.000 Oh, God.

00:15:30.000 Did you ever see that?

00:15:30.000 It makes sense, but it's almost like spam, but can live for...

00:15:36.000 It's like buckets of this gruel.

00:15:38.000 Bucket gruel.

00:15:41.000 But in Jim Baker's show, he used it as the base of a table.

00:15:48.000 He's like, you could use it underneath your table.

00:15:50.000 This is how you could use it.

00:15:51.000 Your kitchen table.

00:15:52.000 And he's got stacks of this stuff.

00:15:55.000 And then they were sitting on it.

00:15:57.000 You could use it as a stool.

00:15:59.000 So your house is filled with survivor food. 0.99

00:16:03.000 So in case the shit goes down, it's everywhere in your house. 0.99

00:16:06.000 You just have to open up one of these buckets. 0.99

00:16:08.000 Did you ever see that video, Jamie?

00:16:09.000 Bucket rule. 0.99

00:16:10.000 There's a smash cut video of it.

00:16:12.000 Right, who made the smash cut?

00:16:13.000 Vic Berger did.

00:16:14.000 That's right, that's right.

00:16:16.000 Yeah, it's Vic Berger's smash cut. 0.96

00:16:18.000 It's fucking hilarious. 0.62

00:16:19.000 Because Vic Berger makes a bunch of very funny internet videos as it is. 0.98

00:16:23.000 But as you're watching Jim Baker, and this is the same Jim Baker from the old days when Jessica Hahn and he had an affair. 0.99

00:16:35.000 See, all this stuff is the shit he's selling. 0.99

00:16:39.000 This is stacked. 1.00

00:16:40.000 Look, he's got it all up the stairs and shit. 0.99

00:16:44.000 It's stacks of survival food. 0.99

00:16:47.000 Look at this.

00:16:48.000 They got shovels.

00:16:49.000 By the way, get a shovel.

00:16:51.000 These are foldable shovels.

00:16:52.000 It'll go in your backpack. 1.00

00:16:56.000 Jim Baker, you ain't wearing a fucking backpack. 1.00

00:16:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:16:59.000 Look at these guys.

00:17:00.000 They're like, really?

00:17:01.000 So he was banging Jessica Hahn, and then Sam Kinison wound up banging Jessica Hahn.

00:17:06.000 Oh, look, he's just sitting in there and eating it.

00:17:08.000 Look, you can eat it.

00:17:09.000 He's like, this is so good.

00:17:10.000 He's eating in handfuls.

00:17:12.000 What is that?

00:17:13.000 He's eating.

00:17:14.000 And he's coming out of his mouth into the bucket.

00:17:17.000 Oh, Jesus Christ, Jim.

00:17:19.000 Literally.

00:17:20.000 He looks weird.

00:17:22.000 Yeah.

00:17:22.000 He doesn't look like the same guy.

00:17:24.000 That's Tammy Faye's ex-husband.

00:17:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:25.000 She's dead now.

00:17:26.000 Yeah, well, isn't he too?

00:17:27.000 She died from Diet Coke.

00:17:29.000 Well, I think she had some of that new bulk sampler. 0.99

00:17:33.000 She died from Diet Coke? 1.00

00:17:34.000 I think they said she drank like 100 cans of Diet Coke a day, and she got brain cancer.

00:17:39.000 Southern people love that. 0.99

00:17:40.000 Yeah, look at that.

00:17:41.000 That's what it looks like when it's cooked.

00:17:43.000 That will keep you alive, Justin Martindale.

00:17:47.000 Look at that.

00:17:48.000 Imagine eating that. 0.99

00:17:49.000 And you're fucking mixing all that together. 0.99

00:17:52.000 What's in there? 1.00

00:17:53.000 Diarrhea.

00:17:54.000 That's definitely what's in there.

00:17:55.000 Diarrhea and nacho cheese.

00:17:58.000 That's like queso from Texas.

00:18:01.000 No, how dare you, sir!

00:18:03.000 Real cheesy queso.

00:18:06.000 I miss Texas queso.

00:18:08.000 Yeah, I was just there.

00:18:09.000 That's good.

00:18:10.000 I was just in Houston.

00:18:10.000 So was I. Where you and when?

00:18:12.000 Yeah, I was there.

00:18:14.000 Two weeks ago.

00:18:15.000 I was there two days ago.

00:18:17.000 Oh, okay.

00:18:17.000 I was there Saturday night for the UFC. Friday and Saturday.

00:18:20.000 Oh, right, right, right.

00:18:21.000 That kick. 0.88

00:18:22.000 Oh, that was a good kick.

00:18:23.000 Which one?

00:18:24.000 I don't know their names.

00:18:25.000 The girl did that round-off kick to the other one. 1.00

00:18:27.000 Oh, that was a couple months ago.

00:18:29.000 Oh, it was?

00:18:30.000 Yeah, that's Valentina Shevchenko.

00:18:31.000 I'm trying.

00:18:32.000 She fought this weekend. 0.99

00:18:33.000 I'm going to get called a fag in all the comments now. 0.99

00:18:35.000 Oh, how dare they? 0.99

00:18:36.000 It's okay.

00:18:36.000 It's the only reason I'm here.

00:18:38.000 What is that cheese stuff though?

00:18:40.000 You know that cheese that's like watery?

00:18:45.000 It's not really cheese.

00:18:47.000 What do they call it?

00:18:47.000 Government cheese.

00:18:48.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:18:49.000 It's like you could squirch it.

00:18:52.000 Squirch it? 0.99

00:18:53.000 Easy cheese?

00:18:54.000 Yeah, but it's like...

00:18:54.000 Oh, Cheez Whiz.

00:18:55.000 Is it Cheez Whiz?

00:18:56.000 Is that what it is?

00:18:57.000 The one in the tube?

00:18:58.000 Yeah, it depends on which company you're buying from.

00:18:59.000 I don't think I'm thinking about that, though.

00:19:01.000 There's a type of liquidy cheese that people would put on nachos and stuff like that.

00:19:07.000 Do you know what I'm talking about?

00:19:09.000 I don't, it's nacho cheese. 0.99

00:19:10.000 I don't fucking, I've never known anything else. 0.96

00:19:13.000 But it's like liquidy cheese, but that's what that Jim Baker gruel looks like. 0.98

00:19:17.000 That he was serving up people.

00:19:19.000 But that's a big thing with preachers, right?

00:19:22.000 They always want to prepare you for the apocalypse with food.

00:19:25.000 Yeah, because they're causing it.

00:19:28.000 That's what they do.

00:19:29.000 Well, it's like, I don't want to be a prepper, but I think you probably should have some food at your house.

00:19:36.000 You should be ready for a couple of weeks.

00:19:38.000 I know.

00:19:39.000 You should be ready for a couple of weeks.

00:19:40.000 And they have these things where you fill your bathtub up.

00:19:43.000 It's like a bladder that you put in your bathtub and then you fill your bathtub up with water so you always have water. 0.99

00:19:50.000 Because if the shit goes down, if it really lasts for a couple of weeks, you're going to need some water. 0.99

00:19:55.000 That makes sense. 0.99

00:19:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:56.000 It's really going to make sense.

00:19:57.000 I just have...

00:19:58.000 Bags of boxed wine in my fridge.

00:20:00.000 That'll help.

00:20:01.000 I'm ready to go.

00:20:02.000 Listen, people used to live off wine.

00:20:04.000 Yeah.

00:20:04.000 Yeah, they used to call it prevent traveler's disease.

00:20:08.000 Just kill everything?

00:20:10.000 Because if you get water from a lake, right? 1.00

00:20:12.000 That water's got all kinds of garbage in it, right?

00:20:15.000 Yeah.

00:20:15.000 Like, if you get water from a lake, you're drinking a bunch of different bacteria and parasites.

00:20:20.000 I mean, even if it's a clear lake, you're really not supposed to drink the water unless you're above a certain altitude.

00:20:27.000 Like, I was in Alaska, and I was with these guys, and we were hunting, and they told us we could drink this water because above 8,000 feet or whatever, beavers don't live.

00:20:38.000 That's what you have to worry about.

00:20:40.000 You have to worry about beaver fever.

00:20:41.000 Of course they do.

00:20:41.000 They call it beaver fever.

00:20:44.000 It's Jardia.

00:20:45.000 It's a different beaver fever than guys get at clubs.

00:20:48.000 It's a different beaver fever.

00:20:50.000 Or Denise, yeah. 0.96

00:20:51.000 Or Denise. 1.00

00:20:52.000 She gets that beaver fever.

00:20:53.000 Always.

00:20:54.000 Just to polish up her Patagonia jacket. 0.83

00:20:58.000 Put on her best patchouli.

00:20:59.000 A little bit behind the ears will do ya.

00:21:01.000 A little musk. 0.97

00:21:03.000 Yeah.

00:21:03.000 God.

00:21:04.000 Why is it that lesbians have never been able to form a proper neighborhood, but gay guys can do it in almost every town? 0.97

00:21:12.000 Hmm. 0.99

00:21:13.000 I feel like gay guys push the lesbians out. 1.00

00:21:15.000 You think so? 1.00

00:21:16.000 But lesbians are smarter because they'll form their own tribe. 1.00

00:21:19.000 Yeah, but they never develop like... 0.99

00:21:21.000 Like Boys Town is legendary, right?

00:21:24.000 It's like...

00:21:24.000 It is!

00:21:26.000 It's a gay... 1.00

00:21:27.000 Five blocks of gay, right? 1.00

00:21:30.000 I call it home. 0.94

00:21:32.000 That's your spot. 0.80

00:21:33.000 But if you think about it, there's no lesbian equivalent anywhere on earth. 1.00

00:21:39.000 That I know of. 1.00

00:21:40.000 Is there a legitimate lesbian community where it's only lesbians and they get together and do lesbian things and wear cowboy hats and cheese strings and shit? 1.00

00:21:47.000 Yeah, they have their own... 0.99

00:21:48.000 I mean, that's the thing.

00:21:49.000 I feel like guys are more...

00:21:50.000 They want to be in charge more, where lesbians can kind of just form their own little side neighborhoods. 1.00

00:21:58.000 They don't need the credit.

00:21:59.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:00.000 But do they?

00:22:01.000 No.

00:22:02.000 I feel like...

00:22:03.000 People would know.

00:22:03.000 If they had a legit lesbian neighborhood, like Girlstown...

00:22:07.000 People would know.

00:22:08.000 But would you want to go to Girlstown?

00:22:10.000 Oh yeah.

00:22:11.000 Guys, I think that's the problem.

00:22:12.000 That's the thing.

00:22:13.000 We're going to go to Girlstown.

00:22:14.000 Guys go there and they ruin it.

00:22:16.000 Like, I'm an ally. 0.99

00:22:17.000 And they move next door and they just fucking act like... 1.00

00:22:20.000 Can I help you with your trash? 1.00

00:22:21.000 The fuck away from me! 1.00

00:22:23.000 Are you sure you're gay? 1.00

00:22:24.000 Come on. 0.81

00:22:25.000 They get that a lot.

00:22:27.000 There's a lot of little organizations.

00:22:30.000 I have lesbian friends that do a thing called Babes on Bikes. 1.00

00:22:35.000 Motorcycles?

00:22:35.000 Motorcycles, yeah.

00:22:36.000 And they go travel.

00:22:38.000 That's cool.

00:22:38.000 Yeah!

00:22:39.000 And they go hiking and camping and all that stuff. 0.95

00:22:42.000 Would it be fair to compare lesbians to cats and gay folks to dogs? 1.00

00:22:48.000 Gay men to dogs? 1.00

00:22:50.000 No, I'm going to reverse it. 1.00

00:22:53.000 But dogs like to be in packs.

00:22:54.000 I know, but dogs are loyal.

00:22:57.000 No, they're not.

00:22:58.000 Not sexually. 1.00

00:22:59.000 Well, I don't know how many dogs you're fucking... 1.00

00:23:02.000 Dogs will fucking hump your leg, then they'll hump Jamie's leg. 1.00

00:23:04.000 Oh, that's true. 1.00

00:23:05.000 Yeah, they'll fuck everything. 1.00

00:23:06.000 But I feel like cats will just be... 1.00

00:23:07.000 Cats will just like, ugh, and they'll just get out of here. 1.00

00:23:10.000 That's true, too.

00:23:10.000 Very temperamental.

00:23:11.000 Very sociopathic.

00:23:12.000 But they don't like to live in like a big pack. 1.00

00:23:16.000 Like the lesbians. 1.00

00:23:19.000 Does this make sense?

00:23:20.000 That does make sense.

00:23:21.000 I think I'm onto something.

00:23:22.000 Yeah, I'm gonna lose sleep tonight. 0.95

00:23:23.000 People always say men are dogs.

00:23:24.000 But dogs are loyal.

00:23:26.000 They're loyal.

00:23:27.000 But men are loyal.

00:23:28.000 They're just not that loyal sexually.

00:23:30.000 Right.

00:23:31.000 But they're loyal to each other.

00:23:33.000 Good friends.

00:23:35.000 My best friends are all men.

00:23:37.000 I mean, I have girl, female friends. 0.99

00:23:39.000 But if I need some shit, if I need, like, I'm calling Brian Callen. 0.98

00:23:44.000 Like, I'm calling a male friend, you know? 0.99

00:23:48.000 There's a difference.

00:23:49.000 I think. 1.00

00:23:50.000 I feel like gay guys are probably dogs and lesbians are wolves. 1.00

00:23:54.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:23:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:55.000 Dude, that's dangerous.

00:23:56.000 Yeah.

00:23:56.000 Them wolves are circling.

00:23:57.000 They eat dogs.

00:23:58.000 You've got your alphas and your betas and they all just know their place.

00:24:01.000 Wolves eat dogs, you know?

00:24:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:03.000 Do you think lesbians eat gay guys? 1.00

00:24:05.000 Oh, totally. 1.00

00:24:06.000 Every day.

00:24:06.000 In fact, five are being eaten right now as we speak.

00:24:10.000 Viciously.

00:24:11.000 Have you ever heard of a lesbian and a gay guy getting together and deciding they're both straight?

00:24:17.000 Yeah, they're in the South.

00:24:19.000 It's called conversion therapy.

00:24:21.000 Does that work?

00:24:21.000 No!

00:24:22.000 No.

00:24:23.000 Has it any worked on anybody?

00:24:24.000 I feel like that was in a documentary somewhere where it's like...

00:24:27.000 Pray the Gay Away? 1.00

00:24:28.000 Well, you have like a... 0.96

00:24:29.000 Yeah, Pray the Gay Away. 1.00

00:24:30.000 It's like, I met my beautiful wife.

00:24:32.000 Oh, right.

00:24:33.000 And she was a lesbian and I was a gay man.

00:24:36.000 And then it cuts to him tapping his shoe under a bathroom stall.

00:24:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:24:41.000 That's sad shit, man. 0.99

00:24:42.000 It is weird. 1.00

00:24:43.000 It's just brainwashing.

00:24:44.000 Well, it's just weird because those guys that do it...

00:24:47.000 I read an article about this man who went sort of undercover to one of these Pray the Gay Away camps. 0.98

00:24:52.000 He was talking about this counselor who was literally sitting behind him, like holding him during this ceremony with a boner. 0.99

00:24:59.000 And the guy had a boner pressed up against his butt. 0.99

00:25:01.000 You could feel the guy's boner. 1.00

00:25:02.000 And he's like, what in the fucking Sam Hill? 1.00

00:25:06.000 Sam Hill. 0.99

00:25:07.000 I always want to say that.

00:25:08.000 What in the Sam Hill?

00:25:09.000 Thanks, Sean Elliott.

00:25:11.000 What in the Sam Hill?

00:25:13.000 Hey! 0.99

00:25:14.000 It's the new porn parody of Tombstone, Tombbone. 1.00

00:25:17.000 That's some sad shit, though, man. 0.99

00:25:20.000 It's still a thing. 1.00

00:25:21.000 Well, it would be just for men that aren't gay to understand what it was like. 0.84

00:25:25.000 Imagine if there was, like, gay conversion therapy, where people were saying, like, God wants you to be gay, and you've got to stop hooking up with all these ladies. 1.00

00:25:34.000 And we're going to get together, and we're just going to pray that gay into you. 1.00

00:25:38.000 We're going to put on some Moulin Rouge soundtrack. 0.99

00:25:42.000 We're gonna all dress up like Cher.

00:25:44.000 Dim the lights.

00:25:46.000 Lock the doors.

00:25:47.000 And we're going to get this party started.

00:25:48.000 Yeah.

00:25:49.000 It's a ruthless thing, man.

00:25:52.000 It's a weird thing that, for whatever reason, society has...

00:25:56.000 It's taken so long, particularly in this country, for people to accept it.

00:26:01.000 That this is still up for debate with some people whether or not gay people should be allowed to be married.

00:26:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:26:07.000 For sure.

00:26:08.000 Did you see the woman of the...

00:26:10.000 God, it went viral.

00:26:12.000 It was a lady who... 1.00

00:26:14.000 Was pro-Pete Buttigieg for president?

00:26:17.000 Yes! 0.98

00:26:17.000 And then she was like, what, he's gay? 0.98

00:26:19.000 Oh, well, no.

00:26:20.000 It's like, wait, what?

00:26:21.000 Can you find that?

00:26:23.000 Can we play it or will we get in trouble?

00:26:25.000 You probably can't play it.

00:26:26.000 Why would you get in trouble?

00:26:27.000 We get pulled off of YouTube.

00:26:29.000 There's copyrights on those so that they own the clip and so they want other people to go to their page to have the clip so we put it on our page.

00:26:37.000 We need to pray the copy right away.

00:26:39.000 That's what we need to do.

00:26:40.000 That's what we need to do.

00:26:41.000 Yeah, she was like, what?

00:26:43.000 He's what? 0.96

00:26:43.000 He's gay. 0.96

00:26:44.000 Give me that fucking vote back. 1.00

00:26:46.000 Get out of here. 1.00

00:26:47.000 I had a woman...

00:26:49.000 God, what was this?

00:26:50.000 I was doing a gig somewhere out of town, and afterwards we had the meet and greet, and she came up to me, and she's like, I really thought you were really funny.

00:26:59.000 And I was like, thank you.

00:27:00.000 And she's like, I didn't even care if you were gay. 0.87

00:27:03.000 I'm like, okay.

00:27:04.000 Didn't even care.

00:27:05.000 I still laughed.

00:27:06.000 My job is done.

00:27:07.000 I still laughed.

00:27:08.000 I still laughed.

00:27:09.000 And that's always how I've been.

00:27:11.000 I mean, it's disgusting.

00:27:12.000 Yeah.

00:27:12.000 And you made me laugh through that.

00:27:14.000 Well, I don't talk about it.

00:27:16.000 It doesn't define who I am.

00:27:19.000 Right.

00:27:19.000 It shouldn't.

00:27:20.000 No.

00:27:22.000 I just can't believe that it's still such an issue. 1.00

00:27:27.000 Unless they're trying to fuck you, what do you care? 1.00

00:27:30.000 Like, why do you care? 1.00

00:27:32.000 Yeah.

00:27:32.000 The most interesting thing about Pete Buttigieg...

00:27:37.000 Is that...

00:27:38.000 It's not that he's gay. 0.80

00:27:41.000 That's the least interesting thing about him. 0.86

00:27:43.000 Yeah, he's a very, like, basic...

00:27:47.000 Yeah.

00:27:47.000 It's just very...

00:27:48.000 But it's like, that's what...

00:27:50.000 The reason why he's the guy is because he checks a lot of these progressive boxes.

00:27:56.000 And he's also got a shitload of people donating to him.

00:27:59.000 Here it is.

00:28:00.000 He's married to him.

00:28:01.000 What?

00:28:01.000 Are you saying he has a same-sex partner?

00:28:04.000 Look at her. 1.00

00:28:05.000 She looks like a woodchuck. 1.00

00:28:08.000 She should be concerned about her diabetes. 0.92

00:28:11.000 Are you kidding me?

00:28:13.000 I don't want anybody like that in the White House.

00:28:19.000 Yeah, but also like...

00:28:22.000 This is what breaks my heart, is this woman's clearly doing her job, and then she has her son with her, and she's like, no, but I'm raising my son to be open-minded, because I'm a Christian as well, and love is love.

00:28:35.000 And that's what we need more of, is when people cherry-pick the Bible, like a Jim Baker, who's like, you know, or even our amazing Christian...

00:28:49.000 It's just sad.

00:28:51.000 It's just like, in the Bible, it says this.

00:28:54.000 And it's like, well, in the Bible, it says...

00:28:55.000 You can always counter...

00:28:57.000 Go against what the Bible says from a different verse.

00:29:01.000 It doesn't say to eat shrimp or pork or anything like that, but I'll see half these people at a Chili's buffet just going to town.

00:29:08.000 Yeah, eating a lot of shellfish. 0.99

00:29:10.000 Can you imagine if you got all the way up to heaven and God was like, look, I don't care about guys fucking guys. 0.99

00:29:16.000 All that clams. 1.00

00:29:18.000 You guys are assholes. 1.00

00:29:19.000 It says in the fucking Bible, don't eat clams. 1.00

00:29:22.000 Why'd you eat clams? 1.00

00:29:23.000 Did you read what I said?

00:29:24.000 It was Mardi Gras.

00:29:25.000 I couldn't help myself.

00:29:26.000 Why are you wearing two different kinds of cloth?

00:29:28.000 You don't wear two different kinds of cloth.

00:29:30.000 I know. 1.00

00:29:31.000 That's in the fucking Bible. 1.00

00:29:32.000 And that's the gayest thing, too. 1.00

00:29:34.000 I did my whole job on Earth, and I got to Heaven, and God was like, girl, two kinds of cloth.

00:29:41.000 I'm like, wait, what?

00:29:42.000 No! 1.00

00:29:43.000 Back to hell, you go, wait! 0.98

00:29:46.000 Well, also, the Bible's clearly seen the hand of man.

00:29:51.000 I'm sure there was probably some things that people had figured out, whether it's from psychedelic experiences or what have you, that they had – there's some core tenets.

00:29:59.000 We should treat each other as if, you know, these are our brothers and sisters.

00:30:03.000 Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

00:30:06.000 Don't steal.

00:30:07.000 Don't murder.

00:30:08.000 All that stuff we can keep together and live in peace.

00:30:10.000 Yeah.

00:30:10.000 And then people got a hold of it.

00:30:12.000 Exactly.

00:30:12.000 They got the greasy little mitts on it.

00:30:13.000 I think the shellfish and the cloven hoof shit, like with pork, like that is in the Torah or the... 0.99

00:30:22.000 What a great word, cloven hoof. 0.99

00:30:25.000 Yeah, well, you're not an animal with a cloven hoof that eats its cud. 0.55

00:30:30.000 They're like pork.

00:30:31.000 You're not supposed to eat pork.

00:30:31.000 But that's probably because they had trichinosis.

00:30:34.000 But this woman sews. 1.00

00:30:35.000 She's a witch! 1.00

00:30:37.000 And what the fuck happened with Noah? 1.00

00:30:39.000 How did Noah, like, what was he doing up there? 0.99

00:30:43.000 He was doing drugs.

00:30:43.000 In the ark?

00:30:44.000 No.

00:30:45.000 I mean, for sure.

00:30:46.000 He was doing drugs?

00:30:46.000 Is that what you said?

00:30:47.000 Yeah.

00:30:47.000 They were all doing drugs.

00:30:48.000 Two of every kind.

00:30:48.000 Moses was doing drugs.

00:30:50.000 Yeah.

00:30:50.000 They were all doing drugs.

00:30:51.000 I guarantee you.

00:30:53.000 I think that's probably the root of most of these religious experiences.

00:30:56.000 Those guys found mushrooms. 0.99

00:30:57.000 They were tripping balls. 0.83

00:30:58.000 They came back with some really loosely put together commandment that they got from God. 0.90

00:31:04.000 Like Moses, when he came down from the mountain in Jerusalem, the Jerusalem scholars now believe that the burning bush that talked to God, or talked to Moses, Was the acacia tree, which is a tree that's rich in DMT. So they believe this thing of a burning bush was actually them smoking this plant and having these psychedelic experiences.

00:31:23.000 And talking to it.

00:31:24.000 And talking to God.

00:31:25.000 Word!

00:31:26.000 Makes sense, right?

00:31:26.000 That's cool.

00:31:27.000 What about Job and the whale?

00:31:28.000 That's always confused me.

00:31:29.000 That's a good one, right?

00:31:30.000 Yeah, 40 days in the belly of a whale? 1.00

00:31:32.000 Maybe Job's full of shit. 1.00

00:31:34.000 How about that? 1.00

00:31:34.000 I would think so. 1.00

00:31:35.000 Maybe Job was like a beloved guy, and everybody's like, I don't want to believe he's lying to me.

00:31:42.000 Jonah was the...

00:31:43.000 Oh, it was Jonah.

00:31:44.000 Jonah in the way.

00:31:45.000 Who's Job?

00:31:45.000 What did Job do?

00:31:46.000 Job, like, worked.

00:31:46.000 He had something to do with working.

00:31:47.000 Oh, he's a worker.

00:31:48.000 He has his own book.

00:31:49.000 It's the book of Job, but...

00:31:50.000 See, grew up in the South.

00:31:51.000 Didn't pay attention to Bible class.

00:31:52.000 I'm sorry.

00:31:53.000 And look how I turned out.

00:31:55.000 When I lived...

00:31:55.000 Large family.

00:31:56.000 He had a large family?

00:31:57.000 Oh.

00:31:58.000 Great story.

00:31:59.000 And then the woman... 1.00

00:31:59.000 And then Lot, Lot's wife, when she turned around and turned into salt? 1.00

00:32:04.000 Sure. 1.00

00:32:04.000 Well, she fucked up. 1.00

00:32:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:07.000 That was her fault.

00:32:08.000 Well, how about, I mean, listen, how about Adam and Eve?

00:32:11.000 How weird is that one?

00:32:13.000 And Lilith. 1.00

00:32:14.000 That dirty bitch wanted to eat that apple. 1.00

00:32:15.000 She did. 1.00

00:32:16.000 And, you know, she didn't want to listen.

00:32:18.000 Which they said the apple was a pomegranate?

00:32:21.000 They said the apple could have been a pomegranate, yeah, because it's the fruit of life because it has so many antioxidants in it.

00:32:27.000 There's another theory that the term apple is actually based on the color red, and that it actually represented the Amanita muscaria mushroom, which was the mushroom that they believed Christianity was based on in the first place.

00:32:43.000 There's a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross by a guy named John Marco Allegro, who was an ordained minister.

00:32:50.000 Yeah, see, that is an original fresco from some France...

00:32:55.000 See, there's 13th century fresco depicting Adam and Eve in a tree of knowledge.

00:32:59.000 So that's mushrooms.

00:33:00.000 And that mushroom is a mushroom called the Amanita muscaria.

00:33:04.000 The Amanita muscaria is a really cool-looking mushroom that you can find.

00:33:08.000 I found one in Colorado recently.

00:33:10.000 What?

00:33:10.000 Colorado?

00:33:11.000 Yeah, you find them growing.

00:33:13.000 Wow.

00:33:13.000 Are they big like that?

00:33:15.000 Yeah, they're pretty.

00:33:15.000 They're tall?

00:33:15.000 Well, those obviously are exaggerated.

00:33:17.000 Those are really tall.

00:33:18.000 No, it's the Bible.

00:33:20.000 Nothing's exaggerated.

00:33:21.000 Stop it.

00:33:21.000 That's really cool.

00:33:22.000 I never even thought about that.

00:33:24.000 The sacred mushroom of the cross.

00:33:25.000 Go to the cover of the sacred mushroom of the cross.

00:33:27.000 You can see the image of this mushroom, and you realize, like, oh, that thing looks a lot like Santa Claus.

00:33:36.000 It's red and white.

00:33:38.000 And there's a lot of weird parallels with Santa Claus.

00:33:43.000 The mushroom grows under coniferous trees, like pine trees.

00:33:46.000 There's a mycorrhizal relationship with coniferous trees.

00:33:50.000 And it grows almost instantaneously.

00:33:53.000 And that looks like a pomegranate.

00:33:54.000 It does, sure.

00:33:56.000 I mean, it looks like an apple, too.

00:33:58.000 It does.

00:33:58.000 Yeah.

00:33:59.000 So that book is a really weird book.

00:34:00.000 It's hard to follow.

00:34:01.000 It's really complicated.

00:34:03.000 But the book is essentially saying, this guy John Marco Allegro, he studied the Dead Sea Scrolls for 14 years and his conclusion, he was one of the people that was on the committee to decipher the Dead Sea Scrolls from Aramaic to English.

00:34:17.000 And after 14 years, his conclusion was that the entire Christian religion was a gigantic misunderstanding, and what it really was about was the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms and fertility rituals.

00:34:29.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:34:30.000 Yeah.

00:34:31.000 Which pagan. 0.92

00:34:32.000 Take it all back to paganism, which we're not supposed to celebrate, but...

00:34:38.000 We are.

00:34:38.000 But we are.

00:34:40.000 Christmas is a pagan holiday.

00:34:42.000 They had to move a bunch of the holidays to coincide with pagan holidays just to get pagan people on board. 0.56

00:34:48.000 Yeah.

00:34:48.000 You know what blew my mind?

00:34:52.000 Ten years ago was that Zeitgeist video about Christmas and everything and Jesus and everything and I was just like, whoa, I had no idea.

00:35:00.000 Check that out.

00:35:00.000 If you haven't, that's really good.

00:35:03.000 When you stop and think about how long people have been telling the story of Jesus and how weird it's gotten over the years and how many times it's been distorted and twisted and changed and turned from ancient Hebrew, I mean the original Bible, the Old Testament, ancient Hebrew and then they converted it to...

00:35:20.000 Latin and Greek and then English and then the New Testament and then...

00:35:26.000 It's so hard.

00:35:28.000 And then God's going to punish you and bring you to hell if you don't follow these words. 0.97

00:35:34.000 But they're all so screwy. 1.00

00:35:36.000 You're supposed to believe in all this nonsense. 0.99

00:35:38.000 Like people coming back from the dead.

00:35:40.000 There's John Marco Allegro.

00:35:42.000 So the Dead Sea Scrolls were found in...

00:35:45.000 It's a crazy story.

00:35:46.000 Because they were found in Qumran, which is in Israel.

00:35:50.000 Right.

00:36:10.000 We're good to go. 0.92

00:36:22.000 It comes from an ancient Sumerian word, which means a mushroom covered in God's semen.

00:36:27.000 What?

00:36:28.000 Yes.

00:36:29.000 Not semen. 0.99

00:36:30.000 It's cum. 0.99

00:36:31.000 It's a cum shroom? 0.99

00:36:32.000 The rain was cum. 0.99

00:36:33.000 Oh, man. 0.98

00:36:34.000 The rain was like God's semen, and then these mushrooms would come out of the ground right after the rain, right?

00:36:39.000 Because you've seen when it rains, the next day these mushrooms are huge.

00:36:42.000 Yeah, they're massive.

00:36:43.000 Yeah, well, they eat them, they trip balls, and they think that it's coming from God.

00:36:47.000 And so all the stories in the Bible were essentially about them trying to hide these mushroom rituals in allegories and parables and all these different stories, you know, that made sense to them but wouldn't make sense to their conquerors, like the Romans.

00:37:04.000 I feel like after a big rainstorm, because those mushrooms pop out of the ground really fast.

00:37:09.000 They don't have TV. They don't have Instagram.

00:37:12.000 So they're probably like, whoa, these weren't here like two days ago.

00:37:15.000 Let's try them out.

00:37:16.000 Have you ever talked to Duncan Trussell about when he used to live in Asheville?

00:37:19.000 No.

00:37:20.000 When he used to live in Asheville, they'd actually spray things on the manure to keep the mushrooms from growing.

00:37:25.000 Because so many psilocybin mushrooms grew on the manure out there.

00:37:29.000 And they even added things to the cow's diet.

00:37:31.000 And they were trying everything to kill these mushrooms. 0.99

00:37:33.000 Because these college kids, Duncan, Duncan Trussell and his buddies, would go out to the fields and there would be fucking mushrooms everywhere. 0.99

00:37:41.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:37:41.000 Because, you know, Asheville, North Carolina is like a great environment. 0.95

00:37:44.000 Yeah, humid.

00:37:45.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:37:46.000 Moist and everything's green and lush these cows just fucking lay turds and these mushrooms would grow out of them and they would all these kids would trip balls yeah and Duncan talks with with great fondness of his college days just going out into the fields and finding mushrooms and they would all just trip their fucking balls just sit out in the field and do it overnight like it rains and then the next day you go out in the morning and it's like fucking five pounds of mushrooms just floating around oh Good times. 0.98

00:38:14.000 Good times.

00:38:15.000 That's next.

00:38:16.000 That's next for decriminalization. 0.88

00:38:18.000 Mushrooms?

00:38:18.000 Yeah, that's next.

00:38:19.000 They're going to make that happen.

00:38:20.000 They're going to make it happen.

00:38:21.000 It's already decriminalized in Colorado.

00:38:24.000 My friend Rashad Evans was here yesterday.

00:38:26.000 He was talking about it, I think.

00:38:28.000 They've got to pull that off in California as well.

00:38:30.000 They have to.

00:38:31.000 Just even for microdosing.

00:38:33.000 If we could just get everyone to microdose, the world would be so much better.

00:38:37.000 I feel like that's the new trend right now.

00:38:38.000 I hear that all the time.

00:38:40.000 Everyone's just like, I just microdose.

00:38:41.000 I've done it a bunch of times.

00:38:43.000 I know somebody who microdoses acid. 1.00

00:38:45.000 I'm like, shit. 1.00

00:38:46.000 A lot of guys in Silicon Valley do. 1.00

00:38:48.000 That's crazy.

00:38:49.000 They think it keeps all their negative chatter at bay.

00:38:53.000 I had a buddy of mine who was just here the other day in microdosis.

00:38:55.000 He says he takes it every three or four days.

00:38:58.000 That's his thing.

00:38:59.000 No, no, no.

00:39:00.000 Mushrooms.

00:39:00.000 Like the little capsules?

00:39:02.000 Mm-hmm.

00:39:02.000 The little pills?

00:39:02.000 Yeah, they grind it up.

00:39:03.000 They grind up the mushrooms, and he'll take one capsule every three or four days, and it keeps...

00:39:08.000 He said it just keeps negativity out of his head, keeps him positive, keeps him healthy.

00:39:13.000 Yeah.

00:39:13.000 See, that makes sense.

00:39:14.000 Yeah.

00:39:14.000 A lot of fighters are into it now.

00:39:16.000 Yeah.

00:39:17.000 I feel like that's what they did with weed.

00:39:19.000 It's like, I just feel like...

00:39:22.000 Especially now in California, I just feel like more people are just kind of chill with it.

00:39:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:39:28.000 I just remember, like, I can't even go back to, like, back in the day of, like, I got a joint, let's go smoke it in the car. 1.00

00:39:33.000 Like, shh, shut up, shut up! 0.99

00:39:34.000 Hold on, the car's driving by. 1.00

00:39:36.000 Especially if you were traveling.

00:39:38.000 Yeah.

00:39:38.000 Yeah!

00:39:39.000 Joey Diaz, there's a famous film of, we went to Austin, Texas, and Joey Diaz used to hide the weed under his balls. 0.99

00:39:46.000 And he's on the Alex Jones show talking about how he hides weed under his balls. 0.99

00:39:50.000 Uh-huh. 0.99

00:39:51.000 And it's there now?

00:39:53.000 It's probably stuck there somewhere.

00:39:55.000 He probably forgot about it.

00:39:56.000 But that's what he used to do. 0.99

00:39:58.000 He used to take a little baggie, put his weed in a baggie, zip it up, and tuck it under his balls and his underwear. 0.99

00:40:04.000 God, that's crazy. 0.98

00:40:05.000 Yeah, you had to be careful.

00:40:07.000 I knew guys that would put it in coffee.

00:40:09.000 Yeah.

00:40:10.000 Coffee, and then now you just have a bag of gummies, and you're like, whatever.

00:40:14.000 They don't even know what it is.

00:40:15.000 I mean, how many people are vapors?

00:40:17.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:40:18.000 Yeah.

00:40:18.000 It's like, ah, it's a vape pen.

00:40:19.000 Okay, cool.

00:40:20.000 They don't check. 0.99

00:40:21.000 They don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:40:22.000 They're just looking for bombs. 0.99

00:40:23.000 And as it spreads across the country, the legality, I think it's legal, state legal in, what, nine states?

00:40:30.000 Something like that, yeah.

00:40:31.000 And then medically legal in, like, 18 or something?

00:40:35.000 How many?

00:40:35.000 Let's find out.

00:40:36.000 How many states?

00:40:37.000 Let's try it.

00:40:38.000 Jamie, let's try.

00:40:38.000 Siri.

00:40:39.000 I think it's, uh, I'm gonna say nine states legal, 18 states medical.

00:40:45.000 Okay.

00:40:46.000 Is that right, Jamie?

00:40:48.000 Let's find out.

00:40:48.000 I think...

00:40:49.000 Look at that. 1.00

00:40:50.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:40:51.000 All those green? 1.00

00:40:53.000 Yeah, the dark.

00:40:54.000 The dark is legal. 1.00

00:40:56.000 The dark is legal, yeah. 1.00

00:40:56.000 And all the other ones are what? 1.00

00:40:58.000 Medical?

00:40:59.000 Yeah.

00:40:59.000 So everything's medical?

00:41:02.000 Well, Texas isn't.

00:41:03.000 I don't think Texas is...

00:41:05.000 Oh, what is Texas?

00:41:06.000 Get to Texas.

00:41:07.000 Go to Texas.

00:41:07.000 Texas.

00:41:08.000 Texas.

00:41:08.000 Get to Texas.

00:41:09.000 The light green is nothing.

00:41:10.000 Medical.

00:41:11.000 CBD oil.

00:41:12.000 CBD, yeah.

00:41:14.000 Decriminalize.

00:41:15.000 No.

00:41:15.000 Well, at least they can get CBD. CBD is the gateway because that shit is so good for you.

00:41:19.000 CBD is the gateway. 1.00

00:41:20.000 That is the gateway.

00:41:21.000 I know.

00:41:22.000 They have it in everything now.

00:41:23.000 Hand cream, eye drops.

00:41:25.000 Medical, yes.

00:41:26.000 Medical, no. 0.64

00:41:27.000 Decriminalized, no.

00:41:29.000 So the light ones are what?

00:41:31.000 Go to light ones.

00:41:31.000 Are fully illegal.

00:41:32.000 What's Tennessee?

00:41:33.000 That's Tennessee.

00:41:33.000 I have family in Tennessee.

00:41:35.000 What are they? 1.00

00:41:35.000 Fully bullshit. 1.00

00:41:36.000 Yeah, Tennessee. 1.00

00:41:37.000 The light ones are fully bullshit. 0.99

00:41:37.000 We have to sneak around in Tennessee. 0.99

00:41:39.000 What is up in those green ones up north?

00:41:41.000 That's Maine, Vermont.

00:41:42.000 What is the squares?

00:41:43.000 The squares.

00:41:44.000 The light ones down.

00:41:45.000 Oh, the yellowish ones, yeah. 0.98

00:41:47.000 What is that?

00:41:47.000 Wyoming.

00:41:48.000 No medical.

00:41:49.000 No decriminalized.

00:41:50.000 What is the one next to Wyoming?

00:41:52.000 What is that state?

00:41:53.000 Right next to...

00:41:53.000 Left.

00:41:54.000 Left.

00:41:55.000 Idaho.

00:41:55.000 No.

00:41:56.000 Yeah, see?

00:41:57.000 That's how they keep people out. 0.99

00:41:59.000 Because Colorado, man, when they made it legal in Colorado, fucking everybody moved there. 0.99

00:42:03.000 Yeah, they did. 0.99

00:42:04.000 Colorado, boom!

00:42:05.000 Of course!

00:42:06.000 Their real estate jumped tremendously.

00:42:10.000 They started making a shitload of money.

00:42:12.000 I think Hawaii's got it, like, weird, too.

00:42:14.000 This is mixed.

00:42:16.000 Yeah, what does it say?

00:42:17.000 Medicinal, yes.

00:42:18.000 Medicinal.

00:42:19.000 Okay, so it's reduced penalty.

00:42:21.000 And then Alaska is like free, right?

00:42:24.000 Yeah.

00:42:24.000 Legal, powerful friends in Alaska.

00:42:26.000 God, that's crazy.

00:42:28.000 It is crazy.

00:42:28.000 But look, just what we're looking at there, Massachusetts legal, Maine legal, Vermont legal.

00:42:38.000 What is that, Illinois?

00:42:39.000 Is New Hampshire still illegal?

00:42:41.000 What is New Hampshire?

00:42:43.000 Mixed, medicinal, and then reduced.

00:42:45.000 They don't really care.

00:42:46.000 They're like Austin.

00:42:48.000 They're just like, we're in Texas, but we're cool.

00:42:50.000 But New Hampshire's weird because that's supposed to be live free.

00:42:52.000 They're bumper stickers.

00:42:54.000 Live free or die hard?

00:42:56.000 No.

00:42:57.000 Live free or die trying?

00:42:59.000 Live free or die.

00:43:00.000 And Florida is what, medical?

00:43:02.000 So there's really only a few backwoods states.

00:43:05.000 Well, Florida bath salts are fine.

00:43:08.000 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. DC thing is always weird because it's fully legal in DC. And that's not a state or a federal government city, but it's not legal.

00:43:18.000 Get that cursor off the states so I can count them.

00:43:19.000 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 12 states fully legal.

00:43:26.000 12 are legal.

00:43:26.000 So what did you say?

00:43:27.000 9?

00:43:27.000 I said 9, I think.

00:43:28.000 So 12. That's good.

00:43:29.000 That's progressive.

00:43:30.000 Yeah.

00:43:30.000 It's nice.

00:43:31.000 But I feel like it's an election year.

00:43:33.000 I'm sure some people are putting it on the ballot to legalize it, maybe?

00:43:36.000 Well, there's a picture of Bert Kreischer taking his shirt off in the green room.

00:43:41.000 I know.

00:43:41.000 Crazy.

00:43:42.000 That's nuts.

00:43:43.000 I've never heard of such a thing.

00:43:44.000 But it was the moment that weed became legal in California.

00:43:47.000 Bert stripped his shirt off and started running around on stage.

00:43:49.000 We were doing an End of the World podcast in the green room, or in the main room, in 2016, when Trump was elected.

00:43:58.000 That was a weird night.

00:43:59.000 That was a weird night!

00:44:01.000 I remember where I was.

00:44:02.000 I was at the improv that night.

00:44:04.000 Yeah?

00:44:04.000 Because we were supposed to be doing a show, and it was like a...

00:44:08.000 That's right.

00:44:09.000 You guys were all on stage at that table.

00:44:11.000 That's right.

00:44:11.000 It was like you, Sarah Tiana.

00:44:13.000 It should have been the Bill Burr show.

00:44:15.000 Yeah.

00:44:15.000 Because Bill Burr was on fire.

00:44:16.000 He was roasting everybody.

00:44:18.000 It was crazy.

00:44:18.000 It was amazing.

00:44:19.000 I remember we were at the improv watching the election happen and all of a sudden everyone was going red, red, red.

00:44:25.000 And someone looked at me and was like, are we in trouble? 0.99

00:44:27.000 I'm like, oh yeah, we're totally fucked. 0.98

00:44:30.000 Well, people didn't think it was coming. 0.99

00:44:32.000 They had this idea.

00:44:33.000 Well, people have these ideas of what's good and what's not good, what's going to happen and not going to happen, which brings me back to this Mayor Pete guy.

00:44:39.000 They came up with that guy because they said, look, here he is.

00:44:43.000 He's a young, handsome guy. 0.97

00:44:45.000 He's gay. 0.99

00:44:46.000 He's a mayor. 0.98

00:44:47.000 He speaks well.

00:44:48.000 He's served in the military.

00:44:50.000 So this will be the guy.

00:44:52.000 But he's also backed by all these billionaires. 1.00

00:44:54.000 It's a fucking shell game. 1.00

00:44:57.000 What do you mean? 1.00

00:44:57.000 He's got a wine cave. 1.00

00:44:58.000 Leave him alone.

00:44:59.000 He's got a wine cave?

00:45:00.000 What does that mean?

00:45:01.000 Wasn't Elizabeth Warren said something like he had this fundraiser at a wine cave?

00:45:06.000 Yeah, it was like all these rich billionaires.

00:45:08.000 It was like a cave.

00:45:11.000 What is it called?

00:45:12.000 A wine cellar, but it happened to be a cave.

00:45:13.000 Somewhere out here in California.

00:45:14.000 They're just trying really hard to keep it from being Bernie.

00:45:17.000 Really hard.

00:45:18.000 They don't want Bernie Sanders.

00:45:21.000 If he gets in there, apparently, you know, he was an independent for so long, and he doesn't want to play ball, and he doesn't accept any money.

00:45:27.000 He's just like the cool grandpa.

00:45:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:45:31.000 I mean, shit, I love Bernie. 0.99

00:45:33.000 You know why? 1.00

00:45:33.000 Because he, like, you could say, oh, happy Martin Luther King Day. 1.00

00:45:37.000 But then you look at an old picture of him, and he's marching next to Martin Luther King for civil rights.

00:45:44.000 That's amazing.

00:45:45.000 You can't be like, no.

00:45:47.000 Like, where were you?

00:45:48.000 Right.

00:45:49.000 You know, it's like, I just, I don't know.

00:45:51.000 I have hope.

00:45:52.000 I have hope for somebody just to...

00:45:55.000 I have hope for him socially.

00:45:56.000 Yeah.

00:45:57.000 I like what he stands for socially.

00:45:59.000 But then you look at...

00:46:00.000 I don't know if economically it's feasible, because I don't understand economics.

00:46:04.000 Like, when people start talking about...

00:46:06.000 When he was on here, he was describing that if they just took a very small amount of money from every transaction that they do, like less than one cent from every transaction that Wall Street does, that it would add up to more than enough money to pay for healthcare and a lot of other things.

00:46:25.000 School.

00:46:25.000 He was explaining it all.

00:46:26.000 And he was explaining it very calmly, and it didn't seem like he was bullshitting.

00:46:29.000 I was like...

00:46:30.000 I don't think he is a bullshitter.

00:46:31.000 I think he's been in the game for years.

00:46:33.000 He knows how it works.

00:46:34.000 No, he's not a bullshitter.

00:46:35.000 He knows how these people with money work, you know?

00:46:38.000 Yeah.

00:46:40.000 It's such a weird upheaval politically.

00:46:44.000 Like, things don't make 100% sense anymore.

00:46:47.000 Yeah, I have no...

00:46:48.000 I actually had a friend of mine ask me, he says, you know, because we got our voter registration because we vote March 3rd here.

00:46:55.000 So they're like, who are you going to pick?

00:46:57.000 I'm like, I don't know.

00:46:59.000 I mean, we're going to go blue anyways, but it's just like, I honestly...

00:47:02.000 Don't know.

00:47:03.000 It looks like Bernie Sanders is going to be the nominee.

00:47:06.000 It looks like he's winning in New Hampshire.

00:47:08.000 Are they saying he won in Iowa or not?

00:47:11.000 No, I think Pete did. 1.00

00:47:12.000 Bullshit. 1.00

00:47:13.000 He beat him by 6,000 votes. 1.00

00:47:15.000 It's so creepy.

00:47:17.000 But Pete beat him in a dance-off.

00:47:18.000 Oh, did he?

00:47:20.000 Did he get down?

00:47:21.000 I would love to see Pete just...

00:47:22.000 Give him more coin flips.

00:47:24.000 Oh, that's right.

00:47:25.000 How about that fake coin flip?

00:47:26.000 They robbed that coin...

00:47:27.000 Whoever that is that did that coin flip, put that kid in a jail cell.

00:47:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:32.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

00:47:33.000 Did you see that coin flip? 1.00

00:47:34.000 No, I want to see the coin flip.

00:47:35.000 The coin flip's hilariously rigged.

00:47:36.000 Was this in Iowa?

00:47:37.000 Yeah, hilariously rigged.

00:47:38.000 Watch the coin flip.

00:47:39.000 Hold on, do it from the beginning.

00:47:40.000 Watch this.

00:47:41.000 Watch how bad this coin flip is.

00:47:42.000 Go full screen.

00:47:43.000 Go full screen, please.

00:47:45.000 And do it from the beginning.

00:47:46.000 Watch this.

00:47:47.000 Flips it.

00:47:48.000 Catches it.

00:47:48.000 Look.

00:47:49.000 Pulls it so he can see.

00:47:51.000 And then turns it over. 1.00

00:47:52.000 Hey, fuck you. 1.00

00:47:54.000 Wow. 1.00

00:47:55.000 Hey, fuck you. 1.00

00:47:56.000 And no one said anything? 1.00

00:47:57.000 Oh, they're all happy.

00:47:58.000 Yay, it's Mayor Pete.

00:47:59.000 Look.

00:47:59.000 Yay.

00:48:00.000 That's what they wanted.

00:48:01.000 They wanted it to be Mayor Pete.

00:48:02.000 So this dude rigged this coin flip in front of the whole world.

00:48:05.000 Watch this.

00:48:05.000 Pulls it.

00:48:06.000 Looks at it.

00:48:07.000 Okay, how shall I flip it?

00:48:08.000 I'll do it like that. 0.68

00:48:10.000 Horseshit. 0.99

00:48:11.000 That's not how you do a coin flip, goddammit. 0.99

00:48:13.000 At all. 0.86

00:48:14.000 Iowa learned a coin flip.

00:48:15.000 Imagine if you were betting $100 with that guy.

00:48:18.000 He said, I'll bet you $100.

00:48:19.000 He's like, okay, I'll flip a coin.

00:48:21.000 Oh, I win. 1.00

00:48:22.000 What do you mean you win, you fuck? 1.00

00:48:24.000 You rigged it. 1.00

00:48:24.000 Look at that. 1.00

00:48:25.000 What is his jacket?

00:48:27.000 What is the patch? 1.00

00:48:28.000 I'm a cunt. 1.00

00:48:29.000 It says, I'm a cunt. 1.00

00:48:30.000 Cunt force. 1.00

00:48:31.000 A thieving cunt. 1.00

00:48:32.000 That's a cunt force, yeah. 1.00

00:48:33.000 Who's really bad at coin flips. 0.99

00:48:34.000 I love that woman who's like, every mom in Iowa, like, I'm proud of my son.

00:48:40.000 How's that old guy watching right next to me? 1.00

00:48:42.000 Hey, you fuck. 1.00

00:48:42.000 That's not how you flip a coin. 1.00

00:48:43.000 What country are you from? 0.88

00:48:45.000 What kind of nonsense is that? 0.96

00:48:47.000 That's what we need more of. 1.00

00:48:48.000 It's just people calling out bullshit. 0.99

00:48:49.000 Is that how you do it in Greenland? 0.99

00:48:52.000 Because that's not how you do it in America. 1.00

00:48:53.000 You don't get to look at the coin and flip it over to the other side, you asshole. 1.00

00:48:57.000 Look at it. 1.00

00:48:58.000 He looked at it and then turned it.

00:48:59.000 Like, manipulated it with his hands.

00:49:02.000 Don't do it again.

00:49:03.000 Just do it again.

00:49:05.000 Here's how you do it. 1.00

00:49:06.000 Flip that bitch. 1.00

00:49:07.000 Let it land on the ground. 1.00

00:49:08.000 Let it land on the fucker. 1.00

00:49:09.000 Everybody back up. 1.00

00:49:10.000 That's what they do in football. 0.77

00:49:11.000 Yes!

00:49:11.000 And I know that.

00:49:12.000 Yes! 1.00

00:49:13.000 Flip that bitch! 1.00

00:49:15.000 Imagine if they did that at the fucking NFL. They would beat that guy to death. 1.00

00:49:18.000 So much money on that too. 0.99

00:49:20.000 So much money.

00:49:21.000 But yet, this literally could change politics.

00:49:26.000 Like, one way or the other.

00:49:27.000 If Bernie gets it, or if Mayor Pete gets it, the delegates, it could all add up to one guy.

00:49:33.000 I mean, it could go down to the wire. 0.99

00:49:34.000 I mean, that's bullshit. 1.00

00:49:35.000 Creep. 1.00

00:49:36.000 The whole thing's bullshit. 1.00

00:49:37.000 Bullshit. 1.00

00:49:37.000 What are the comments? 1.00

00:49:38.000 Oh, they went off on him.

00:49:39.000 Of course they did.

00:49:40.000 But this is what they did to Bernie Sanders in 2016. The DNC rigged the primaries then.

00:49:45.000 They don't want him.

00:49:46.000 And they're doing it now.

00:49:47.000 Because he's...

00:49:49.000 Because he won't work with them.

00:49:50.000 He's not corrupt.

00:49:51.000 They want someone who takes that money. 1.00

00:49:54.000 They don't want Tulsi, and they don't want Bernie.

00:49:56.000 They push them out.

00:49:57.000 They effectively eliminated them as threats.

00:50:00.000 But Bernie's got too much grassroots behind him.

00:50:03.000 Say if he gets the nomination, who do you think he'll pick as vice?

00:50:09.000 If he picks Tulsi, he'll be smart.

00:50:11.000 Two of them together would be a dynamic team.

00:50:14.000 What if he picked AOC? No, she's too young. 0.93

00:50:17.000 She's only 28. She can't be president. 0.99

00:50:18.000 She could be vice, no? 1.00

00:50:19.000 I don't think so.

00:50:20.000 You don't think so?

00:50:20.000 You have to be 36 to be president.

00:50:21.000 If he gets shot in the head, then what happens? 0.87

00:50:23.000 Oh, God.

00:50:25.000 Sorry.

00:50:27.000 They probably would.

00:50:28.000 I mean, if he caused Wall Street billions of dollars in losses, it could be real ugly for him. 0.98

00:50:34.000 I don't think they're going to shoot him, but they're definitely poison.

00:50:37.000 You have to be 35 to be vice president.

00:50:38.000 Yeah, she's too young. 0.54

00:50:39.000 She's 28?

00:50:40.000 Yeah.

00:50:41.000 Well, that's why she says things that don't totally make sense sometimes.

00:50:44.000 Well, we all do.

00:50:45.000 One of the things she said, it's impossible to pull yourself up by your bootstraps in this country.

00:50:50.000 By the shoelaces.

00:50:51.000 Yeah.

00:50:51.000 Yeah, I saw that.

00:50:52.000 But here's why that's not correct.

00:50:53.000 She used to be a waitress. 1.00

00:50:54.000 Now she's a congresswoman. 1.00

00:50:56.000 She's literally living proof that you can.

00:50:58.000 You can pull yourself up from the bootstraps.

00:51:00.000 She just worked hard.

00:51:00.000 She worked hard.

00:51:01.000 I understand what she's saying.

00:51:02.000 She's talking about working families that are really poor and that have multiple jobs and that are struggling and they're never going to be rich.

00:51:09.000 They're never going to be wealthy.

00:51:10.000 They're never going to be middle class.

00:51:11.000 She's right in that regard.

00:51:12.000 There's a lot of people that because of their circumstances, because of their responsibilities, they can't take any chances.

00:51:17.000 They can't do the things that she did.

00:51:18.000 She's young and single.

00:51:20.000 She's right in that way.

00:51:21.000 But I don't...

00:51:23.000 See, I have a twisted relationship with this whole idea of democratic socialism.

00:51:28.000 I'm 100% in favor, like me personally, of paying more taxes if I really felt it was going to make an impact for the better of humanity.

00:51:36.000 If it was going to improve schools for kids that live in bad neighborhoods.

00:51:39.000 If it was going to develop community centers in bad neighborhoods.

00:51:44.000 If it was going to...

00:51:46.000 We're good to go.

00:52:03.000 I don't know if they have the capability of change on a large scale or if they're already so compromised in so many different ways that it would just be throwing money away.

00:52:14.000 Right, right.

00:52:14.000 Did you see the video with...

00:52:15.000 I don't know when it came out.

00:52:17.000 It's Adam Carolla sat down with Tucker Carlson.

00:52:19.000 Did you see that?

00:52:20.000 What did they talk about?

00:52:21.000 They talked about California.

00:52:22.000 They talked about the homeless epidemic that's here in California and how...

00:52:25.000 I'm going to try and...

00:52:28.000 Quote about how he says the government just kind of looks a blind eye because we are a city and a state that lives on permits and parking and licenses and, you know, we just want that money, you know?

00:52:39.000 So it's like if he says something, you know, Forest Memorial – Forest Lawn Memorial – Like how you look across the way and there's all these, you know, immigrants and whatnot, like selling flowers, you know, but like a woman driving without a license plate, she'll get pulled over and charged, but all these other people.

00:52:54.000 It was kind of interesting and I hate saying, I hate being like, oh, Tucker Carlson, but it was just, it was actually a really interesting interview.

00:53:01.000 That's probably a good point.

00:53:02.000 California would care about the homeless if we could get money from them.

00:53:04.000 If we could get money from them.

00:53:05.000 Sure.

00:53:05.000 And on the way over here, too, I was just looking at all these tents, and it's just so fucking sad.

00:53:10.000 It's so sad. 0.51

00:53:11.000 It's really sad, and it keeps growing.

00:53:13.000 It keeps growing.

00:53:13.000 I live in West Hollywood, and I remember a couple years ago, because it went from downtown, and then downtown pushes them all out, so they keep going west, keep going west.

00:53:20.000 Some go to the beach, some go to Santa Monica, but now it's like I live in an area that, you know, Six, seven years ago, it was fine.

00:53:29.000 But now it's like even on the way to go get coffee this morning, I walk everywhere I go.

00:53:33.000 It's like I saw like three homeless people just outside just screaming at nothing.

00:53:40.000 You know, they're in tattered clothes and they're dirty.

00:53:43.000 I used to work with a girl. 1.00

00:53:46.000 Years ago at a restaurant when I waited tables, and she's now homeless, and she's like out of her mind, and I feel bad.

00:53:54.000 Was she always out of her mind?

00:53:55.000 No, no.

00:53:56.000 Her name was Lotus.

00:53:58.000 She did yoga, and now... 0.52

00:54:01.000 What happened?

00:54:02.000 I don't know.

00:54:03.000 Did you try to talk to her?

00:54:04.000 I did.

00:54:05.000 It was like I got to watch the progression of...

00:54:08.000 The illness.

00:54:09.000 Yes.

00:54:10.000 So I would see her every now and then.

00:54:11.000 I was like, hey, what's going on?

00:54:12.000 Because back when the recession happened, we were rating tables, so we bounced from job to job because one day we'd go to work and there'd be chains on the door because they couldn't pay us.

00:54:20.000 So we had this little kind of group that we would go apply together at different jobs.

00:54:25.000 And then...

00:54:27.000 I started seeing her out on the street, just walking around.

00:54:29.000 I was like, hey, what's going on?

00:54:30.000 Hope you're doing well.

00:54:32.000 And she just kind of never let me know how she was really doing.

00:54:35.000 And then like a couple of years would go by and I'd see her and I'm like, she looks a little out of it.

00:54:40.000 And I would say hi to her and she wouldn't respond.

00:54:43.000 And then now it's full on like teeth are missing and running down the street crying.

00:54:47.000 And it just breaks my heart because it's like, I don't know what to do.

00:54:50.000 And I don't know if she would be willing or...

00:54:53.000 How tight were you with her?

00:54:55.000 You had her phone number?

00:54:56.000 No, no, no, no.

00:54:57.000 I mean, I don't even know she has a phone.

00:54:59.000 Right, but did you at one point in time have her phone number?

00:55:01.000 I think so, yeah, yeah.

00:55:02.000 And it's just that inner guilt, and you're just like, God, how did it get so bad?

00:55:06.000 She had an apartment.

00:55:07.000 I think her parents passed away, and that might have set her spiraling.

00:55:11.000 But yeah, I remember just doing a spot at the Laugh Factory one night and walking outside, and you know how they just keep everyone outside.

00:55:19.000 Like, you do.

00:55:21.000 And And she just like barreled through everybody just screaming nonsense and like she had like teeth missing and it's just sad it's just really really sad and then I'm at the gym working out and I'll see her like down there you know with her garbage and everything and yeah she doesn't it's just sad it's a lost cause.

00:55:40.000 So when you knew her she didn't seem like she had any mental health issues? 1.00

00:55:44.000 No.

00:55:45.000 Really?

00:55:45.000 No.

00:55:46.000 I mean, she would do yoga. 0.99

00:55:48.000 I mean, I remember her...

00:55:49.000 Her name was Lotus? 1.00

00:55:52.000 Well, her name was Lotus Harmony. 1.00

00:55:54.000 Which I don't know if that's a real name.

00:55:57.000 But at the time...

00:56:00.000 That's how I knew her.

00:56:00.000 And she was always just this sweet lady, you know, just beautiful skin, beautiful smile, always in a good mood.

00:56:07.000 When she got mad, you were like, oh, man, Lotus is pissed, you know, because she was always so friendly. 0.93

00:56:13.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:56:14.000 And then now you're just like, damn, and I, you know, I just want, I don't know what to do. 0.99

00:56:19.000 I would love to help her because it just breaks my heart. 0.99

00:56:21.000 Homeless people break my heart, but female homelessness really, really is sad for me. 0.97

00:56:27.000 Yeah, because we're sexist.

00:56:31.000 I feel the same way.

00:56:33.000 You know, it's just like someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's just out there, you know, vulnerable to the elements and predators, and it's just, it breaks my heart.

00:56:44.000 No, it's awful, but I think most of what you're seeing with homeless people is people that are severely mentally ill.

00:56:51.000 So you gotta wonder, like, what caused...

00:56:53.000 Maybe she was on medication and her insurance ran out.

00:56:57.000 Yeah.

00:56:58.000 She couldn't... 0.82

00:56:58.000 Full-on joker. 0.82

00:56:59.000 Yeah.

00:57:00.000 Yeah.

00:57:01.000 Dude, that's real.

00:57:02.000 It is real. 0.99

00:57:03.000 It's fucking real. 1.00

00:57:03.000 There's a lot of people out there with giant mental health issues. 1.00

00:57:06.000 I mean, I... I know several people who, you know, they would have anxiety.

00:57:14.000 A guy that I used to date, it's like, you know, we dated for a long ass time, but it's like if he didn't have his anti-anxiety, yeah, like, and he got off that.

00:57:23.000 I mean, he would full on have a panic attack, and that would get dirty.

00:57:27.000 And I had to witness that, which was...

00:57:30.000 Insane.

00:57:31.000 Yeah, people that lose it because they're off their medication.

00:57:34.000 Yeah.

00:57:35.000 That's a sad situation because you're always going to be tethered to this thing that keeps you sane.

00:57:40.000 Good word, by the way.

00:57:40.000 Used it twice today.

00:57:41.000 Did I? Yeah.

00:57:42.000 You said it earlier before we started.

00:57:43.000 I think I'll probably use it all today.

00:57:45.000 Yeah.

00:57:45.000 I just hope it works.

00:57:46.000 Tether Tuesday.

00:57:47.000 Hashtag Tether Tuesday. 0.98

00:57:50.000 It's, you know, like what happens to them if the fucking coronavirus hits and they get locked indoors for six months? 1.00

00:57:55.000 And you just become agoraphobic and lose your shit? 0.99

00:57:59.000 Well, we were talking about this the other day that most of what this is all happened from the Reagan administration. 1.00

00:58:05.000 During the Reagan administration, they changed the standards of what it means to be mentally ill, and they just released people from asylums because they didn't want to pay for it all.

00:58:13.000 Mm-hmm.

00:58:14.000 And, you know, that...

00:58:17.000 Look, if L.A. is...

00:58:19.000 L.A. is a city of 20-plus million people, which is as many people in L.A. as I think is in all of Australia.

00:58:28.000 So think about that.

00:58:29.000 Think about the amount of money and that they can't make asylums here. 1.00

00:58:33.000 Think about how many abandoned buildings there are.

00:58:36.000 How much money would it cost...

00:58:39.000 There's currently somewhere in the neighborhood of 70,000 homeless people.

00:58:43.000 Yeah, there was some statistic that said there's more empty apartments in this town than homeless people. 0.99

00:58:50.000 The thing is, though, those folks don't just need a place, because they'll fuck that place up and punch holes in the wall and shit in there and stuff. 1.00

00:58:57.000 Smear it. 1.00

00:58:58.000 Yeah, they're crazy. 0.99

00:58:59.000 What they need is help. 0.93

00:59:00.000 And they need medication, and they need counseling, and they need...

00:59:06.000 I mean, I'm not a mental health expert.

00:59:08.000 Some of them you might not be able to do anything to.

00:59:10.000 Some are so gone, you might not.

00:59:13.000 And also, they get so filled with despair.

00:59:15.000 I knew a bunch of guys that were homeless back from my pool hall days.

00:59:18.000 There was a bunch of guys that would hang around the pool hall.

00:59:21.000 They would even sleep on the floor.

00:59:23.000 I knew guys that would try to sleep in people's couches.

00:59:26.000 They'd sleep at the bus stops.

00:59:28.000 And then they'd come to the pool hall and try to hustle up enough money to get some drugs.

00:59:32.000 They were stuck in this place where they could never get past where they were.

00:59:38.000 They were just in a rut, and they could never get out of it.

00:59:42.000 It's heartbreaking.

00:59:43.000 Yeah, despair.

00:59:44.000 So much despair.

00:59:45.000 Because you're just like, what happened?

00:59:48.000 For instance, the other day I'm walking down Santa Monica Boulevard over by Barney's Beanery and I just hear a...

00:59:56.000 And I look over and this kid's like had to be 22, 23 years old.

01:00:03.000 And I was like, what happened?

01:00:05.000 Where are your parents?

01:00:06.000 One too many auditions.

01:00:07.000 Blew a fuse.

01:00:08.000 Yeah.

01:00:09.000 Just snapped.

01:00:11.000 If I hear no one more time!

01:00:13.000 No!

01:00:13.000 I know.

01:00:14.000 CIA dropped him and he's just out there ranting and raving.

01:00:17.000 CIA dropped him.

01:00:18.000 I'll show you, Hollywood Reporter. 1.00

01:00:20.000 You motherfuckers. 1.00

01:00:21.000 God. 1.00

01:00:21.000 There are people, though, that you meet in this town, where you meet them early in their journey, and they still have hope. 1.00

01:00:28.000 Like, it's not worked out yet, but it's gonna.

01:00:30.000 I'm gonna make it.

01:00:31.000 And then you run into comics.

01:00:33.000 Yeah.

01:00:34.000 Oh, I mean, that's the thing.

01:00:35.000 I think it's so relatable in our field as well, because you know those people.

01:00:39.000 Yeah, we do know those people.

01:00:41.000 I want to say I almost was one of those people.

01:00:43.000 Were you?

01:00:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:44.000 When?

01:00:45.000 What time?

01:00:46.000 I mean...

01:00:47.000 Give me a time where it was, like...

01:00:49.000 2002?

01:00:51.000 And then 2008?

01:00:55.000 Really?

01:00:56.000 I didn't meet you until when?

01:00:59.000 2007-ish?

01:01:00.000 I want to say, yeah, I think I met you at the Ice House when we were podcasting out there.

01:01:07.000 And then when you came back to the store...

01:01:10.000 That was like 14, 2014. Yeah, that's when I saw you again.

01:01:13.000 And even then it was like, you know, I'm making it work. 0.97

01:01:15.000 And I remember you looked at me and you go, you're the weirdest gay guy I've ever met. 1.00

01:01:19.000 And I was like, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:01:22.000 Why did I say that? 0.99

01:01:23.000 I don't know.

01:01:24.000 We were probably all really high.

01:01:25.000 Yeah, probably so.

01:01:26.000 You probably didn't know what I was saying when I was saying it.

01:01:28.000 But I mean, I feel like that's, you know, you get through that struggle and you get through the years of being hungry and the years of like, can I pay my rent this year?

01:01:35.000 And you do whatever you can to just scrounge everything up and do it.

01:01:40.000 So you had those moments where you're like, this might not work out, I might go crazy.

01:01:46.000 Or, what's my other option?

01:01:50.000 Move home. 0.99

01:01:52.000 Or suicide. 1.00

01:01:54.000 Damn. 1.00

01:01:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:56.000 I mean, this town's hard.

01:01:57.000 It's very hard.

01:01:58.000 Well, it's also, you see so many people that are doing well, right?

01:02:02.000 Like, it seems so far out of reach.

01:02:04.000 Like, when you're broke and you see some guy driving by in a Mercedes convertible, you're like...

01:02:10.000 You know, you see these people going to those big high-rises off of La Cienega, you know, dorm in there and everything.

01:02:16.000 But no one lives there.

01:02:17.000 No one lives there? 1.00

01:02:18.000 Oh, no one can afford that shit. 1.00

01:02:19.000 Are you kidding me? 1.00

01:02:20.000 What are you talking about?

01:02:20.000 I mean, there's maybe like...

01:02:22.000 What I've heard is that they build those, and then the Saudis want their kids to come to school here and get an American education, so they just buy them for them, but nobody... 0.90

01:02:32.000 Have you done any research on this, or is this just...

01:02:34.000 I've overheard some things.

01:02:36.000 Well, where the real money is is that Wilshire stretch.

01:02:40.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:41.000 And that's always been there. 0.97

01:02:43.000 The Weeknd just bought some fucking redonkulous penthouse up there. 0.98

01:02:49.000 That makes sense. 0.99

01:02:50.000 Yeah, you get some crazy-ass view.

01:02:52.000 But isn't it weird that that one strip is where all the luxury apartments are?

01:02:56.000 Wilshire?

01:02:56.000 Yeah.

01:02:58.000 Going west of Wilshire.

01:02:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:59.000 Like one area around the Santa Monica area.

01:03:03.000 Where the fire happened, right?

01:03:05.000 Right.

01:03:05.000 That was the Palisades, right?

01:03:07.000 No, that was Wilshire and...

01:03:09.000 Oh, Brentwood?

01:03:11.000 Yeah.

01:03:11.000 They had a fire in the Palisades, too.

01:03:13.000 Westwood.

01:03:13.000 Westwood?

01:03:14.000 There was a fire in the Palisades.

01:03:15.000 There was a fire in...

01:03:16.000 This whole thing can catch on fire any day now.

01:03:20.000 So what turned it around for you?

01:03:22.000 What made it feel like it's going to be okay?

01:03:26.000 Do you remember?

01:03:27.000 You know what?

01:03:28.000 I'm gonna say something, and it's gonna come across really cheesy, but it's real.

01:03:35.000 I just believed in myself.

01:03:37.000 That's not cheesy.

01:03:38.000 I had to be like, you know what?

01:03:40.000 I know I've been doing this for so long.

01:03:43.000 I know who I am.

01:03:44.000 I know what I've got. 0.99

01:03:46.000 Well, ever since I've seen you, you've been a killer. 0.99

01:03:48.000 Thanks. 0.95

01:03:49.000 Like, you're really funny.

01:03:50.000 Thank you, man.

01:03:51.000 Like, I've seen some sets from you in the main room. 0.99

01:03:54.000 Like, this motherfucker is... 0.99

01:03:55.000 You're free, you know? 1.00

01:03:57.000 You're up there, you're free.

01:03:58.000 Yeah.

01:03:58.000 You're like...

01:03:59.000 You're loose and unrestrained, you know? 1.00

01:04:02.000 You're fucking funny. 0.98

01:04:03.000 Thank you. 0.96

01:04:05.000 I didn't see you when you weren't.

01:04:07.000 So when I saw you, you were doing well.

01:04:09.000 Right.

01:04:09.000 From the moment I saw you, when I first met you.

01:04:11.000 And a lot of it, I think, was pressure from Mitzi, because I skipped all that.

01:04:17.000 I skipped the open mics.

01:04:18.000 I skipped all of that.

01:04:20.000 I just remember being at my lowest of lows and being like, what do I have to lose?

01:04:24.000 And I remember being a kid and being like, you should do stand-up, because I idolized Joan Rivers and Robin Williams.

01:04:30.000 And... 0.99

01:04:32.000 I remember being like, fuck it, let's try it out. 0.99

01:04:37.000 How old were you when you got on stage? 0.99

01:04:39.000 Doing stand-up?

01:04:40.000 First time.

01:04:41.000 It was 2008, yeah.

01:04:44.000 That was your first time on stage?

01:04:45.000 That was my first time, yeah.

01:04:46.000 So you thought about it for a long time before you did it?

01:04:48.000 I thought about it for a long time.

01:04:49.000 And then, so from 2008 to 2009, October 2008 to June 2009, that's when I had an open mic at the store.

01:04:58.000 And I just remember Michael Jackson just died, and I just remember this energy was crazy that night.

01:05:04.000 And...

01:05:06.000 There was an open mic, there was like 16 comics in the main room, and I was like 14. And I was like, no!

01:05:11.000 And then they were like, Justin's going third.

01:05:12.000 So we didn't start doing the podcast at the Ice House until 2009. Yeah, it was right after I got passed.

01:05:18.000 No, I don't think we started at the Ice House until 2011, now that I'm thinking about it.

01:05:22.000 I think we mostly did it at my house for the first year or two.

01:05:25.000 Yeah, 2011, that makes sense.

01:05:28.000 That's probably when I met you.

01:05:29.000 But you were already rolling by then.

01:05:31.000 Well, no.

01:05:32.000 I had no idea.

01:05:33.000 You were doing well.

01:05:33.000 On stage, you were doing well.

01:05:34.000 I was doing well, but I didn't know who I was.

01:05:37.000 I knew how to make people laugh, but I didn't know the process.

01:05:41.000 And so Mitzi was the one who passed me.

01:05:43.000 I'm the last guy she passed at the store.

01:05:45.000 Whoa.

01:05:46.000 And so I just remember being like, what did she say to you?

01:05:49.000 She didn't say anything.

01:05:50.000 She just pointed.

01:05:51.000 She looked at Tommy and said, make him a regular.

01:05:53.000 And he was like...

01:05:54.000 Like, development spots?

01:05:55.000 And she's like, no, he's ready.

01:05:57.000 And then I remember being taken away, and they were like, you've just been passed by Mitzi Short.

01:06:03.000 Like, it was like a weird, like, Ren Faire wizard thing.

01:06:06.000 Like, what has happened to you never happens! 0.98

01:06:08.000 And then I just remember being like, oh, shit. 0.99

01:06:11.000 Like, I did my research about the place, and I just remember being like, oh, damn. 1.00

01:06:15.000 And I'm looking at her right now. 0.97

01:06:17.000 And just that feeling of, like, I've got...

01:06:21.000 To make this happen, I've got to make sure...

01:06:25.000 Because she had never...

01:06:25.000 I don't even know when the last time she came to the store was, but everyone kind of knew she was ill.

01:06:31.000 And I just wanted to be like, God, I hope this wasn't just her having dementia and being like, him! 0.73

01:06:37.000 Because, you know, like, oh, she's insane. 1.00

01:06:40.000 She picked that guy.

01:06:41.000 Dude, when she passed me, I didn't sleep that night.

01:06:45.000 Really?

01:06:46.000 No.

01:06:49.000 I was lying in bed.

01:06:50.000 I remember thinking, I can't believe.

01:06:53.000 Like, I'm a paid regular at the store.

01:06:55.000 I was already on TV. Yeah?

01:06:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:57.000 I was already on a TV show.

01:06:58.000 Yeah. 0.91

01:06:58.000 That didn't mean shit to me. 0.91

01:06:59.000 Yeah. 0.57

01:07:00.000 What meant something to me was like, I was a real comic now.

01:07:04.000 It's a stamp of approval.

01:07:05.000 The guy had already been paid.

01:07:06.000 You know, I'm starting to cry.

01:07:07.000 Aw, Joe!

01:07:10.000 Get in touch with the emotions.

01:07:12.000 It's normal.

01:07:13.000 I had already been doing stand-up, like for money.

01:07:17.000 I'd done a lot of headlining gigs.

01:07:19.000 I did some road gigs, and I did a lot of stuff around New York before I came to LA. And then I was out here in 94, and first she made me a non-paid regular.

01:07:30.000 And I'd go on last every night, and I was here every night because I didn't have any friends.

01:07:36.000 I was staying at the Oakwood Garden apartments, those pre-furnished apartments.

01:07:40.000 And I was on this television show that was terrible.

01:07:42.000 And I was just going to the store every night.

01:07:45.000 I would work all day during the thing.

01:07:48.000 I didn't have any friends.

01:07:48.000 And then I would go to the comedy store.

01:07:50.000 And that's where I tried to find a home.

01:07:54.000 A family.

01:07:54.000 Yeah.

01:07:55.000 So I got these late night sets.

01:07:57.000 And it was always like five people in the audience, six people in the audience.

01:08:00.000 And then one night she passed me.

01:08:03.000 She passed me.

01:08:04.000 I've told this story before, but there was a guy named The Todd.

01:08:06.000 And The Todd, he's eventually, he developed some pretty severe brain issue.

01:08:13.000 And he went insane.

01:08:16.000 And it was really sad because back then, I had seen him before I ever came out here on MTV, on the Half Hour Comedy Hour.

01:08:23.000 Oh, uh-huh.

01:08:23.000 And he sat down next to Mitzi while I was on stage and laughed his ass off.

01:08:28.000 Just, ah!

01:08:29.000 Is this the OR or the main room?

01:08:30.000 In the OR. In the OR. And then I came off stage and she just goes, okay, you're passed.

01:08:36.000 That was it?

01:08:37.000 That was it.

01:08:38.000 That was my second audition for the first one.

01:08:40.000 She made me a non-paid regular and I did that for months.

01:08:43.000 And then I became a paid regular.

01:08:44.000 But Todd pulled me aside and he said, he goes, I sat there and he goes, you're really funny. 0.96

01:08:49.000 He goes, but I sat there and I laughed really fucking hard.

01:08:51.000 And I told Mitzi, you're really funny. 0.70

01:08:53.000 And he goes, and you're going to do that for other people someday.

01:08:55.000 Yeah.

01:08:56.000 It's a cool feeling.

01:08:57.000 It's a cool feeling to...

01:08:59.000 I actually had the moment of seeing her.

01:09:03.000 I think it was at the...

01:09:04.000 It was a reunion.

01:09:07.000 What was it?

01:09:07.000 The 40th reunion?

01:09:09.000 Something?

01:09:10.000 A couple years ago?

01:09:11.000 And they had me on the class of 2000s.

01:09:14.000 It was like Natasha and some other people were on the lineup.

01:09:17.000 Maybe even Duncan.

01:09:18.000 I don't know.

01:09:20.000 And she was sitting in the back.

01:09:21.000 They brought her in in her wheelchair and...

01:09:25.000 I was like, I have to say hi to her.

01:09:26.000 I didn't get to say hi to her.

01:09:28.000 I didn't get to meet her the last time.

01:09:29.000 She just pointed and took off. 1.00

01:09:31.000 And I kind of like, I went up to her and I looked in her eyes and I shook her hand and I said, Hi, I'm Justin.

01:09:38.000 It's an honor to meet you and I just want to say thank you because you changed my life.

01:09:43.000 And she just stared at me and I was like, she doesn't even know.

01:09:47.000 And then all of a sudden she just squeezed my hand.

01:09:49.000 And that was it.

01:09:51.000 That's all I needed.

01:09:53.000 So that, to me, was like, oh, she's there.

01:09:56.000 She gets it.

01:09:57.000 Yeah, you know, she'd have those moments where she'd be in and out.

01:10:01.000 But, I mean, that's everything that I've done that's led up to where I'm at now has been for her, too.

01:10:08.000 Because I haven't had, other than my mom and my friends back home, I've never had somebody really believe in me like that.

01:10:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:10:19.000 It's very special.

01:10:21.000 It's very special.

01:10:22.000 And just, yeah, to be a part of a family.

01:10:26.000 And that's what it was.

01:10:27.000 I mean, and that's what helped me getting out of that, like, I'm not good enough and, oh, I'm moving home.

01:10:33.000 It's like, oh, wow, I actually have a home now.

01:10:35.000 And every time I go there now, I just feel so welcome.

01:10:39.000 And, you know, it's nice.

01:10:41.000 It's a fraternity.

01:10:42.000 It's a sorority.

01:10:43.000 It's a university.

01:10:45.000 You know what I mean?

01:10:46.000 Yeah, it really is.

01:10:48.000 It's hard to describe for people that don't know.

01:10:52.000 I was talking to Bill Maher and he was telling me he doesn't go to clubs. 0.99

01:10:55.000 He's like, I'm not going to the fucking clubs. 0.99

01:10:58.000 I'm like, why wouldn't you go to the clubs? 0.99

01:10:59.000 You don't like going to the clubs?

01:11:00.000 He's like, I graduated from that.

01:11:02.000 I'm a gun with that.

01:11:02.000 I'm like...

01:11:03.000 Graduated.

01:11:04.000 I'm like, dude, I'm never leaving.

01:11:06.000 If you graduate, at least you have an alma mater, you know?

01:11:08.000 Go back.

01:11:08.000 Well, it's not even that.

01:11:09.000 It's just like, that's the gym.

01:11:13.000 Yeah, it is the gym.

01:11:14.000 Yeah, I mean, you're not done learning.

01:11:17.000 Never done.

01:11:18.000 Stand-up is never over.

01:11:20.000 It's an endless journey.

01:11:21.000 And especially if you do new specials, right?

01:11:24.000 Because you abandon your material and then you're starting from scratch every few years.

01:11:28.000 You're never done.

01:11:29.000 You have to be around.

01:11:31.000 I don't think there's any other way.

01:11:33.000 I've done it different ways.

01:11:35.000 There was a time where I was gone from the store where I wasn't doing my best work, and I was doing way more gigs for the UFC. I wasn't working in the clubs as much and my stand-up just wasn't as sharp.

01:11:48.000 It just wasn't as good.

01:11:49.000 There's no way around it.

01:11:51.000 It's like you have to do the work.

01:11:52.000 There's no other way.

01:11:53.000 And it's also there's something about that environment, that place.

01:11:57.000 It's so nurturing.

01:11:59.000 It is.

01:12:00.000 You know?

01:12:01.000 It's crazy because it's like I'm now on the road and it's...

01:12:06.000 It's my first time actually performing in theaters, which is crazy.

01:12:11.000 But I feel like the main room and the OR and all that has been that gym, like you said, where you're just like, okay, I'm ready to do this.

01:12:19.000 I remember doing the Grand Ole Opry last year in Nashville, as a kid from the South.

01:12:24.000 The Ryman Theater.

01:12:25.000 The Ryman.

01:12:26.000 And they just were like, all right, get out there.

01:12:28.000 And I went out there.

01:12:28.000 My mom's in the crowd.

01:12:30.000 It was so over.

01:12:31.000 I didn't even think about it until afterwards. 0.99

01:12:33.000 And I just remember walking out there and just being like, holy shit, I'm at the goddamn Grand Ole Opry. 0.99

01:12:39.000 And I just, let's go. 0.99

01:12:42.000 Like, this is what you were made for.

01:12:44.000 Let's go.

01:12:45.000 I try to talk to people about what it's like to hang out at the store.

01:12:48.000 Like, people that have never been, like, why are you there so often?

01:12:51.000 I'm like, man, just come with me one day.

01:12:53.000 Just come with me one day when I walk through the building.

01:12:55.000 Yeah, it's pretty...

01:12:58.000 We're so lucky.

01:12:59.000 It's magical is really what it is.

01:13:01.000 And, you know, it's a place where, you know, there's egos and there's, you know, rivalries, I guess.

01:13:11.000 There's a few that I've heard of.

01:13:13.000 Yeah.

01:13:14.000 I try not to be part of it.

01:13:17.000 A couple of gals don't like each other. 1.00

01:13:19.000 That's all I know about.

01:13:20.000 I know about a couple of gals. 1.00

01:13:23.000 Yeah.

01:13:24.000 I don't know about any dudes.

01:13:26.000 Do you know any dude rivalries?

01:13:28.000 Do you?

01:13:29.000 Do I? Yeah.

01:13:30.000 You don't have anybody, right?

01:13:31.000 Do you?

01:13:32.000 You might?

01:13:32.000 We'll have to discuss it.

01:13:33.000 We can keep it positive.

01:13:35.000 I don't have rivalries.

01:13:37.000 I just...

01:13:37.000 Here's my thing.

01:13:38.000 A couple people are annoying. 0.97

01:13:39.000 A couple people are annoying and a couple people need to check themselves because there's a lot of, like I just said, ego and bullshit and I just don't have time for that. 0.97

01:13:48.000 Right. 0.92

01:13:49.000 Yeah.

01:13:49.000 Right.

01:13:49.000 But for the most part, it's just all hugs.

01:13:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:54.000 I will say that.

01:13:55.000 If you see somebody, you can just catch up.

01:13:57.000 You haven't seen them in months.

01:13:57.000 You just hug them, and you just pick up right where you left off.

01:14:01.000 It's like an empowering environment.

01:14:03.000 It nurtures you.

01:14:04.000 You get there, you feel great.

01:14:06.000 That's why people come there, even if they don't have a spot.

01:14:08.000 Like, there's a lot of comics that are on the road, and they don't even want to do a spot, but they want to come to that back bar and hang out.

01:14:13.000 Like, I was just in town, I wanted to hang out. 0.99

01:14:15.000 Ron White does that shit all the time. 1.00

01:14:16.000 Oh yeah, Ron White's always there. 1.00

01:14:18.000 Always there.

01:14:18.000 Well, he has a house.

01:14:19.000 He has a house in Beverly Hills, so he just gets in his car and says, fuck it up, come on, we'll hang out. 0.94

01:14:23.000 Yeah, that back bar's great. 0.98

01:14:25.000 Back bar changed everything.

01:14:27.000 You know, it gave us a place.

01:14:29.000 It gets infiltrated some days by normies.

01:14:31.000 Some days, it's now being infiltrated.

01:14:34.000 Normies.

01:14:34.000 We need to stop the infiltration.

01:14:37.000 Because all of a sudden they'll be there asking questions like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

01:14:40.000 This is not what this is for.

01:14:41.000 Yeah.

01:14:41.000 It's not here for you to grill me on how do you get started and how do you do this and how do you do...

01:14:45.000 Hey, hey, hey.

01:14:46.000 I'm here with the comedians.

01:14:47.000 Yeah.

01:14:47.000 I'm supposed to hang out with my friends.

01:14:48.000 I'm not...

01:14:49.000 Oh, I did a spot up in the belly room. 0.87

01:14:51.000 Did you really?

01:14:52.000 Did you?

01:14:52.000 Get out of here!

01:14:53.000 Where's your name on the wall? 0.92

01:14:54.000 Get out of here! 0.99

01:14:55.000 Well, that's the thing, right?

01:14:56.000 Anybody can go up in the belly room if it's one of those weirdo shows.

01:14:59.000 We like the weirdo shows.

01:15:01.000 Hey, man, that's how people get started.

01:15:03.000 I started a show there that got picked up.

01:15:04.000 It's coming out next month.

01:15:06.000 What is it?

01:15:06.000 In March.

01:15:07.000 Yeah, it's the show that we got...

01:15:10.000 What are you laughing at?

01:15:11.000 You're already laughing.

01:15:12.000 Because we started it two years ago in the belly room.

01:15:15.000 What is it?

01:15:15.000 It's called, well, it was called Stand Up to the Streets.

01:15:18.000 Stand Up to the Streets?

01:15:19.000 Yeah, it was a dance battle.

01:15:21.000 You know how that roast battle?

01:15:22.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:15:22.000 And so we started it two years ago, my friend Justine Marino, and the first day we were supposed to do it, you actually bumped us out of the belly room.

01:15:32.000 How did I bump you out?

01:15:34.000 I don't know.

01:15:35.000 You were just like, I'm doing it tonight. 0.99

01:15:36.000 We were like, ah, damn it, Joe wins again. 0.98

01:15:38.000 Nobody told me about it. 0.99

01:15:39.000 No, no, of course not.

01:15:40.000 Comedy store must have just offered it to me.

01:15:42.000 I think they did, but then we did it monthly.

01:15:44.000 Every month we went in there and did it, sold out every night, and then this network was like, hey, let's put this on TV, and it's coming out in March.

01:15:51.000 What's it on?

01:15:52.000 It'll be on the E! Network.

01:15:53.000 I was hoping you didn't say Bravo.

01:15:54.000 Well, same thing.

01:15:57.000 I mean, let's be honest.

01:15:59.000 Isn't that where the Keeping Up with the Kardashians are?

01:16:01.000 Is that your lead-in?

01:16:02.000 No, I don't lead in with that.

01:16:03.000 My wife was in the gym the other day watching that. 1.00

01:16:05.000 I walked in and I go, why?

01:16:07.000 Yeah.

01:16:07.000 You're smart.

01:16:08.000 Yeah.

01:16:08.000 You're interesting.

01:16:09.000 What are you doing?

01:16:10.000 Mm-hmm. 0.94

01:16:11.000 She likes being distracted by nonsense. 0.65

01:16:14.000 Well, that's it.

01:16:14.000 That'll do it for you.

01:16:15.000 They fucking know how to do it, too. 1.00

01:16:17.000 It's like a hypnosis show. 1.00

01:16:18.000 They have these smash cuts.

01:16:19.000 They go quickly from one person to the next, and there's just enough drama.

01:16:23.000 They're like, how are they going to resolve this?

01:16:24.000 But it's also like mind hypnosis, because you're just watching.

01:16:27.000 They're like, the other day, I had a salad, and it was really good.

01:16:32.000 And you're like, why do I care?

01:16:33.000 But tell me more about the salad!

01:16:35.000 I think I'm getting arthritis, because my wrist hurts.

01:16:38.000 We want to have a Candyland-themed party, but with no candy.

01:16:41.000 What?

01:16:42.000 I want to take them and swap them out on Naked and Afraid.

01:16:46.000 Absolutely.

01:16:47.000 Take them and just drop them off in the jungle, see how they survive.

01:16:50.000 Naked and K-Fraid.

01:16:52.000 That's it.

01:16:53.000 You know, I mean, have them do something really difficult.

01:16:56.000 Like change a tire? 0.99

01:16:58.000 Just fucking anything. 0.99

01:16:59.000 Hard. 1.00

01:17:00.000 Their life is...

01:17:01.000 I mean, it's really interesting because I made sort of a...

01:17:08.000 I don't know what she would say, not an oath, but I decided to stop making fun of Kim Kardashian after she started letting people out of prison.

01:17:16.000 Yes!

01:17:16.000 I'm like, that's powerful.

01:17:18.000 She's real.

01:17:19.000 She's really doing something.

01:17:21.000 Genuinely good.

01:17:23.000 So I'm going to stop mocking her relentlessly.

01:17:25.000 You have to.

01:17:26.000 She wants to be a lawyer. 1.00

01:17:28.000 Go for it.

01:17:29.000 Well, yeah, she's in law school.

01:17:30.000 Is she really?

01:17:31.000 Yeah.

01:17:31.000 She's going to law school.

01:17:32.000 Does she go there or does she do it at home?

01:17:35.000 Does she have her assistant do it and tell her what the answers are? 1.00

01:17:37.000 She gets the cliff notes, yeah.

01:17:38.000 I think she's actually doing it.

01:17:40.000 Her dad was a...

01:17:41.000 Robert Kardashian.

01:17:43.000 He got the OJ off.

01:17:45.000 Yeah.

01:17:46.000 Or helped.

01:17:46.000 He's part of the dream team.

01:17:48.000 Yeah.

01:17:48.000 He's apparently the one that...

01:17:50.000 He owed your hand to the bag of blood, too.

01:17:52.000 Bag of bloody clothes?

01:17:53.000 You heard it first.

01:17:54.000 That's what I heard.

01:17:55.000 Oh, man.

01:17:56.000 I don't know if that's true.

01:17:57.000 But I don't, you know, and you gotta, I don't know.

01:18:01.000 I can't knock.

01:18:02.000 I can't.

01:18:02.000 I know.

01:18:03.000 She's doing good. 0.99

01:18:03.000 I talk shit about him. 0.99

01:18:05.000 Like, it sucks because I have, like, videos up from, like, years ago. 1.00

01:18:08.000 And then I went to the, uh, of me just shitting on them. 0.98

01:18:13.000 And then I went to the People's Choice Awards and I had my friend Trevor Raines do this. 0.97

01:18:17.000 He designed this amazing country western tuxedo, but it was all their faces crying.

01:18:24.000 It was so awesome.

01:18:26.000 Check out my Instagram.

01:18:26.000 It's so good.

01:18:28.000 And I sat and this waiter came over to me and he goes, you know they're sitting right next to you, right? 0.99

01:18:33.000 And I was like, shit! 0.99

01:18:35.000 I was freaking out. 0.99

01:18:37.000 And so then they all come over and they're sitting right there and I'm like, ugh!

01:18:41.000 Did they look at your jacket?

01:18:43.000 Kim looks up at me and she just goes, oh my god, that's amazing.

01:18:48.000 And I'm like, ugh!

01:18:49.000 And then she's like, Mom, look.

01:18:51.000 And then Chris is trying to turn around and she can't.

01:18:54.000 And then Chloe's there. 0.64

01:18:56.000 And then Courtney.

01:18:57.000 Courtney loved it.

01:18:58.000 And then they start taking pictures of me on their Instagram stories.

01:19:01.000 And I'm like, oh, my God.

01:19:04.000 And then I got up to go say hello.

01:19:06.000 Look at that.

01:19:07.000 Isn't that dope?

01:19:08.000 That's when I worked at E!, Well, they're not all crying, but they all look wonky.

01:19:14.000 It's wonky, there's crying.

01:19:16.000 It was awesome.

01:19:17.000 That's a great pick.

01:19:18.000 And then I got up to go say hi to them, and that's when the security guard almost like body slammed me.

01:19:25.000 Really?

01:19:25.000 Look at the one at the bottom.

01:19:26.000 You'll get a full one.

01:19:27.000 Their security guard?

01:19:28.000 They have overzealous security guards?

01:19:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:31.000 Well, after she got kidnapped in Paris.

01:19:33.000 Exactly!

01:19:33.000 And then I thought to myself, I'm like, Justin, what the hell are you doing?

01:19:35.000 You're six foot four, you can't just walk over like a normal person. 1.00

01:19:39.000 Sit down, you fucking commenter. 1.00

01:19:41.000 Know your place. 1.00

01:19:42.000 Well, not only that, you have pictures of them all over your jacket, so the security guard might think you're fucking insane. 1.00

01:19:47.000 And by the way, you look insane. 1.00

01:19:48.000 Look at that face. 1.00

01:19:49.000 What are you talking about?

01:19:49.000 That's just a strong jawline.

01:19:51.000 Look.

01:19:51.000 What's going on here?

01:19:52.000 Look at you.

01:19:53.000 That was, yeah. 1.00

01:19:53.000 You look like a crazy person. 1.00

01:19:56.000 You definitely... 1.00

01:19:57.000 You look good, though.

01:19:58.000 Thank you!

01:19:59.000 It's not bad.

01:19:59.000 Yeah, representing.

01:20:00.000 For a ridiculous jacket and everything like that?

01:20:02.000 I mean, I wanted it. 0.97

01:20:03.000 You look clothed. 1.00

01:20:03.000 It was stupid. 1.00

01:20:04.000 I wanted it to be stupid and fun and campy and... 1.00

01:20:07.000 So what were you doing there? 1.00

01:20:08.000 What were you there for?

01:20:09.000 I was there at the People's Choice Awards because I used to host a show on E! called What the Fashion.

01:20:18.000 What the Fashion.

01:20:19.000 It was like the millennial version of Fashion Police.

01:20:23.000 What is it like working at E! now?

01:20:25.000 Well, I don't work there anymore.

01:20:26.000 Well, it wasn't that long ago.

01:20:33.000 It seems like an incredibly frivolous pursuit.

01:20:36.000 Well, I didn't really get...

01:20:37.000 I worked there for two years, so I built this show up from the ground up called What the Fashion, and then... 0.92

01:20:45.000 Oh, shit, we're doing an exclusive, aren't we? 0.98

01:20:48.000 Are we? 1.00

01:20:50.000 Are we?

01:20:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:20:51.000 And it was for Snapchat Discover, and it was awesome, and it was a great platform.

01:20:55.000 So it started on Snapchat?

01:20:56.000 Mm-hmm.

01:20:57.000 Whoa.

01:20:57.000 Yeah.

01:20:58.000 You're one of those guys.

01:20:58.000 One of those guys.

01:20:59.000 Who knew?

01:21:00.000 And then, you know, I used to write for Joan on Fashion Police a couple times.

01:21:04.000 Do you have a YouTube channel?

01:21:05.000 No.

01:21:06.000 You should.

01:21:06.000 Do I? Fuck yeah.

01:21:07.000 Is that still a thing? 1.00

01:21:08.000 Dude.

01:21:09.000 I'm starting a podcast.

01:21:10.000 Oh, you are?

01:21:11.000 Yeah.

01:21:12.000 Well, you definitely should have one of those.

01:21:13.000 I'm going to do it, yeah.

01:21:14.000 But why don't you have a YouTube channel?

01:21:15.000 I don't know.

01:21:18.000 It's a great way to just put up content.

01:21:20.000 Yeah, I'll take the note and do it.

01:21:21.000 Well, I'm going to.

01:21:23.000 Dude, you'd be giant.

01:21:24.000 Well, What the Fashion has a YouTube channel, so it's all up there. 1.00

01:21:26.000 Fuck them. 1.00

01:21:26.000 I know. 1.00

01:21:27.000 Fuck them. 1.00

01:21:27.000 But I got out of there in December, but I left just because I didn't get to really do all the fun stuff. 1.00

01:21:34.000 What's the fun stuff?

01:21:35.000 Well, you know, like red carpet and go to the events and stuff, and I was just locked in.

01:21:39.000 Dude, if you have a popular YouTube channel, you can do that.

01:21:41.000 And, bonus, no boss.

01:21:43.000 Yeah, no boss.

01:21:44.000 That's what I had to learn.

01:21:45.000 I had to learn to be my own boss at the end of the year.

01:21:47.000 That's this.

01:21:48.000 That's right here.

01:21:49.000 You're on a show with no boss.

01:21:50.000 Wait, you don't have a boss?

01:21:51.000 No boss.

01:21:52.000 Wow.

01:21:52.000 Yeah.

01:21:53.000 You're a boss-ass bitch, aren't you? 1.00

01:21:54.000 Boss-ass bitch. 1.00

01:21:55.000 I know. 1.00

01:21:56.000 So that's what I'm learning this year, is to be my own boss.

01:22:00.000 Yes, you can do it.

01:22:02.000 100%.

01:22:03.000 I just try to encourage as many comedians as possible to do it.

01:22:07.000 It's like you can put up content of your own.

01:22:10.000 You can do anything on your own.

01:22:12.000 I mean, so many people, like Tim Dillon, perfect example.

01:22:15.000 Oh, by the way, have you seen these?

01:22:18.000 I just got this.

01:22:22.000 Exclusively.

01:22:22.000 The I Love Daddy.

01:22:25.000 Tim Dillon shirt.

01:22:26.000 Oh, is that him in drag?

01:22:27.000 It's him as Meghan McCain.

01:22:29.000 Oh, I got blocked by her. 0.99

01:22:30.000 You did too?

01:22:31.000 On Twitter, yeah.

01:22:32.000 So did Tim Dillon.

01:22:32.000 Of course he did.

01:22:33.000 Why did you get blocked by her?

01:22:34.000 I just said something on Twitter.

01:22:36.000 It was just kind of like...

01:22:38.000 What'd you say? 0.92

01:22:38.000 I don't remember, but I told her to fucking calm down, and now she's like... 0.92

01:22:43.000 My father, my father, my father, my father. 0.99

01:22:46.000 And now she's like, I love gay people. 1.00

01:22:47.000 And I'm like, okay, bitch. 1.00

01:22:49.000 Um... 1.00

01:22:50.000 But yeah, that's a good stamp of approval, too.

01:22:53.000 Getting passed by Mitzi, getting blocked by Meghan McCain.

01:22:55.000 Well, she blocked Tim Dillon, and he was very excited about it.

01:22:59.000 It's kind of an epic thing.

01:23:00.000 I got blocked by Chloe Grace Moretz. 0.97

01:23:04.000 Who's that?

01:23:04.000 She's an actress.

01:23:05.000 Why'd she block you?

01:23:06.000 Because I yelled at her in a movie theater. 0.99

01:23:08.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:23:08.000 She was on her phone. 0.71

01:23:10.000 Really?

01:23:10.000 Yeah.

01:23:11.000 And I was watching The Purge, so I was in the moment. 0.99

01:23:13.000 She was talking on the phone in a fucking movie theater? 1.00

01:23:16.000 No, she was on it. 1.00

01:23:17.000 She was checking Instagram, full brightness, just...

01:23:20.000 No.

01:23:20.000 Yeah.

01:23:21.000 And she was sitting in the front.

01:23:22.000 And I was livid. 0.99

01:23:23.000 I've talked about this several times and I'm still fucking triggered. 0.97

01:23:26.000 How did she know that it was you? 0.97

01:23:27.000 She didn't know it was me because it was dark. 1.00

01:23:29.000 And I went over and screamed at her and told her to get off her fucking phone. 1.00

01:23:34.000 Then I turned around the audience and started clapping because everyone was pissed off. 1.00

01:23:37.000 So I was a movie hero.

01:23:39.000 And then as I went out, someone was like, that's the girl you were yelling at.

01:23:44.000 And paparazzi were all around her.

01:23:45.000 And I was like, oh, I'm taking this to...

01:23:47.000 I'm going to tweet! 0.99

01:23:49.000 And I started tweeting at her, saying, hey, bitch, get off your phone in the movie theater, especially if you're an actress and we're paying money to see you doing movies, you know? 1.00

01:23:55.000 And then she blocked me. 0.99

01:23:57.000 So then I wasn't done yet. 1.00

01:24:00.000 I tweeted her boyfriend at the time's mom, who happens to be Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice, and was like, hey, your son's dating an asshole. 0.99

01:24:10.000 You know who didn't block me? 1.00

01:24:12.000 Victoria Beckham.

01:24:13.000 She probably didn't like her either.

01:24:14.000 I bet she didn't. 1.00

01:24:15.000 Fucking her son. 1.00

01:24:16.000 She's probably angry. 1.00

01:24:17.000 That dirty bitch. 1.00

01:24:20.000 Getting her bad breath over my son's dick. 1.00

01:24:22.000 God! 1.00

01:24:24.000 Jesus!

01:24:26.000 Wait, I just got a notification.

01:24:27.000 She just blocked you on Twitter.

01:24:29.000 You made it!

01:24:29.000 Good, I don't check.

01:24:31.000 Oh my god.

01:24:32.000 You can block me all day on Twitter.

01:24:33.000 I will never notice.

01:24:34.000 Who's the most famous person who's ever blocked you?

01:24:36.000 I don't know.

01:24:37.000 I have no idea.

01:24:37.000 You don't know?

01:24:38.000 You don't care.

01:24:38.000 I stopped reading Twitter mentions and all that stuff a long time ago.

01:24:42.000 I need to get better at that. 0.99

01:24:44.000 I don't read shit. 0.98

01:24:45.000 I'm gonna do it, though. 0.99

01:24:46.000 I'm gonna read these comments.

01:24:48.000 Why?

01:24:48.000 Because it kinda gets me hard.

01:24:55.000 It's so silly.

01:24:56.000 I think the whole premise of comments is fascinating to me. 1.00

01:25:02.000 How someone takes time out of their day to just, this motherfucker! 1.00

01:25:08.000 It just blows my mind. 1.00

01:25:13.000 It's funny because sometimes they're very supportive.

01:25:15.000 Like, once I left the show, you know, people are coming and tagging me and stuff and being like, we want Justin back.

01:25:21.000 Where's Justin?

01:25:21.000 The show's not the same.

01:25:22.000 And I'm just kind of like, well, it ran its course.

01:25:24.000 You know, I did my thing and I'm moving on.

01:25:27.000 But it's just so funny how some people are just like, you know, I did, what's it called?

01:25:32.000 Lights Out with David Spade the other day.

01:25:34.000 And it was like... 1.00

01:25:35.000 Get this faggot off your show! 1.00

01:25:37.000 And I'm like, shit! 1.00

01:25:38.000 How rude. 1.00

01:25:39.000 I know.

01:25:40.000 But it makes me laugh because I'm like, well, who's on the show?

01:25:44.000 Me, not you. 1.00

01:25:45.000 So, who's the faggot now? 1.00

01:25:47.000 I don't think that changes. 1.00

01:25:49.000 I don't think that changes.

01:25:50.000 People say things all day long.

01:25:52.000 It doesn't change who you are.

01:25:53.000 I don't think it changes.

01:25:54.000 I think what the real problem is that people have access to your emotions. 0.99

01:25:59.000 If it doesn't fuck with you... 0.99

01:26:01.000 Then I don't, you know, if you're one of those people. 1.00

01:26:04.000 But for most people, it fucks with them. 0.95

01:26:05.000 Like, Bert Kreischer said it best. 0.99

01:26:07.000 He goes, I was looking at Twitter the other day, and he goes, and then I was thinking, why am I risking the fact that something might fuck with my head or hurt my feelings? 0.97

01:26:14.000 Right. 0.95

01:26:15.000 And then I get off of it.

01:26:16.000 That's what he said.

01:26:17.000 I was like, that's a good point.

01:26:18.000 Yeah.

01:26:18.000 Because that's kind of what it is.

01:26:19.000 Well, we live in toxic times, you know?

01:26:22.000 It's not a good way to talk.

01:26:23.000 No.

01:26:23.000 Because if someone's in front of you, you would rarely be that mean.

01:26:27.000 Mm-hmm.

01:26:27.000 It would...

01:26:28.000 It would take a lot for someone to be that mean in front of you.

01:26:31.000 But on Twitter, there's no real connection.

01:26:34.000 Plus, they don't like the fact that you are the guy who's on TV and they're not.

01:26:38.000 That's a big thing. 1.00

01:26:39.000 Fuck him. 1.00

01:26:40.000 Why are you on there, not me? 1.00

01:26:42.000 And people have this weird idea about people who are doing well, that if they're doing well, you're allowed to shit on them. 0.97

01:26:49.000 You know, like... 0.99

01:26:50.000 I fucking saw something where someone was talking about Kobe Bryant's wife, and they said, with all her money, she'll be fine. 0.99

01:26:57.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:26:58.000 Can you imagine thinking like that?

01:27:00.000 Like, your emotions are attached to the fact that you have money.

01:27:03.000 So numb.

01:27:04.000 You're fine.

01:27:05.000 You have money. 1.00

01:27:06.000 Your fucking daughter and your husband died in a fiery helicopter crash. 1.00

01:27:09.000 And these people, this one person was like, with all her money, she's fine. 1.00

01:27:13.000 Just some shallow, broke bitch. 1.00

01:27:15.000 She doesn't have emotions. 1.00

01:27:17.000 She'll move on. 0.82

01:27:18.000 Amazing.

01:27:18.000 She's got three other daughters.

01:27:20.000 But it's also this thing where they feel like they're allowed to do that because you are really successful.

01:27:25.000 Right. 0.99

01:27:25.000 And then with you, it's like you're on TV, they're not, so they're allowed to just shit all over you. 0.99

01:27:30.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:27:30.000 And there's a way that they can do it through Instagram comments or Twitter comments. 0.98

01:27:35.000 Hiding.

01:27:35.000 Yeah, hiding.

01:27:36.000 Or an anonymous, what's it called, the little...

01:27:40.000 Direct message?

01:27:41.000 No, when there's not a picture, when it's just the eggshell or whatever, and you can create fake accounts, and you can create multiple accounts. 0.98

01:27:51.000 It's just some people just have too much time on their damn hands. 0.98

01:27:56.000 It's sad, and that's just fucked up when people just think... 0.99

01:27:59.000 Well, there's so many voices now. 0.79

01:28:02.000 People, too.

01:28:03.000 Yeah.

01:28:03.000 Well, they just feel like it's a free shot.

01:28:05.000 Look, I would have felt the same way if I was 15. If you gave me a fucking Twitter account when I was 15 and I was frustrated at the world, I would have said the meanest shit to everyone and anyone I could have gotten a hold of. 0.99

01:28:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:28:17.000 100%. 1.00

01:28:18.000 I would have said the meanest shit. 1.00

01:28:20.000 You know, I feel terrible for kids today. 1.00

01:28:23.000 I do, too.

01:28:24.000 That their growth and their development is going to, you know, it's going to be permanent record.

01:28:29.000 Yeah.

01:28:30.000 There was a really good ad for, oh God, what was it for?

01:28:35.000 It was a cell phone ad and it talks to a mother, it talks to three generations of people and they talk, you know, the grandpa, what was it like when you were a kid?

01:28:41.000 He's like, oh, I went outside, we caught fish.

01:28:43.000 I remember getting chased by a bear and throwing a fish down just so, you know, and then I ran out of fish because the bear kept eating them, but I got away.

01:28:50.000 And then he talked to the daughter and she was like, oh, we built forts when we were kids.

01:28:53.000 And then it talks to the kids.

01:28:54.000 It's like, what's your best thing about being a kid?

01:28:56.000 It's like, oh, I play video games.

01:28:58.000 And I check emails, and it's like... 0.88

01:29:02.000 And they show the videos to the grandparents and the parents, and they're just like, oh, this sucks!

01:29:07.000 Well, a friend of mine works at Disneyland, and he said they're having a really hard time recruiting young people that know how to communicate.

01:29:13.000 What does that mean?

01:29:14.000 They don't know how to communicate with people.

01:29:16.000 They're stunted because they spend so much time tweeting to each other and text messaging each other that talking to strangers, they haven't developed these common courtesy skills and just the ability to talk to people and actually be curious and that they have to tell them, 1.00

01:29:32.000 put your fucking phone down. 1.00

01:29:33.000 They're on their phone. 1.00

01:29:34.000 They check their phone like every 5-10 minutes.

01:29:36.000 They're just addicted to checking their phone.

01:29:38.000 And they're addicted to this weird little dopamine rush that you get from looking at your mentions.

01:29:41.000 What is it?

01:29:42.000 Did someone talk about it? 0.68

01:29:43.000 You know what's really fucking weird? 0.71

01:29:45.000 Is that there's a new way that younger people are getting in touch with each other. 0.92

01:29:52.000 Is that they will take a picture of themselves.

01:29:54.000 And then they'll put a text like, what's up?

01:29:57.000 And then someone will text back with the picture.

01:29:59.000 Not much, you?

01:30:01.000 What?

01:30:02.000 So, yeah.

01:30:03.000 Does that make sense?

01:30:03.000 So they'll actually just...

01:30:05.000 So it's like, say if you and I were talking on the phone, it's like, I'll take a selfie.

01:30:09.000 I'll be like, hey, what's up?

01:30:10.000 And send it to you.

01:30:11.000 So it's not just a text.

01:30:12.000 It's a text with a photo.

01:30:13.000 Yes.

01:30:14.000 It's a face photo with a message, like a Snapchat or an Instagram.

01:30:18.000 Like, what's going on?

01:30:19.000 Do you have friends that they send you or they rather call you FaceTime just out of the blue?

01:30:26.000 Yes, and I don't answer them.

01:30:29.000 I hate that.

01:30:30.000 That's a new thing.

01:30:31.000 It's so weird.

01:30:32.000 A lot of people are doing that.

01:30:32.000 You know what's even weirder is looking at somebody...

01:30:36.000 Crossing the street or something.

01:30:38.000 And they're just like, yeah, so I don't know.

01:30:40.000 My favorite is I have a friend of mine who's my neighbor as well.

01:30:43.000 And he was FaceTiming on Instagram promoting his brother's...

01:30:49.000 His brother has a...

01:30:50.000 Not a club, but it's like a social experience.

01:30:54.000 He's trying to promote it or whatever.

01:30:56.000 And he was like, yeah, go check this out.

01:30:58.000 And this guy on a skateboard goes right by him.

01:31:01.000 And he's like...

01:31:03.000 And he was like, okay, that happened.

01:31:05.000 And not all heroes wear capes, you know? 1.00

01:31:08.000 Get off the phone, fuckface. 1.00

01:31:10.000 And I hate people who FaceTime on planes and in airports. 1.00

01:31:14.000 Yeah, that's weird, right?

01:31:15.000 It's loud, and you're talking to the other person loudly. 0.65

01:31:18.000 Put your headphones on, you savage. 1.00

01:31:20.000 You fucking animal. 1.00

01:31:22.000 What's wrong with you? 1.00

01:31:23.000 Yeah, it blows my mind.

01:31:25.000 But the FaceTime thing, it seems like it's within the last year or two, guys started just FaceTiming me out of nowhere.

01:31:32.000 FaceTiming you?

01:31:32.000 Yes, my friends.

01:31:33.000 No.

01:31:34.000 And you answer it?

01:31:35.000 Sometimes.

01:31:36.000 I like them.

01:31:37.000 How do you feel?

01:31:37.000 A lot of rappers.

01:31:38.000 Rappers love to FaceTime. 0.98

01:31:39.000 That makes sense.

01:31:40.000 Yeah, they love it.

01:31:41.000 They like FaceTiming.

01:31:41.000 Just want to see where you're at.

01:31:42.000 I just think it's just a more fun way of doing it or something.

01:31:46.000 Have you done a group FaceTime?

01:31:48.000 What?

01:31:49.000 Stop it! 0.99

01:31:50.000 It's happened in a group text.

01:31:51.000 You can accidentally hit make this a FaceTime call and it will call everyone in the group text.

01:31:56.000 I would walk into the ocean. 0.99

01:31:57.000 When everyone answers, it's kind of interesting because everyone's like, well, what the fuck? 0.99

01:32:01.000 You see what seven people are all doing at once. 0.98

01:32:03.000 It must be an emergency.

01:32:05.000 Well, you would have to have an iPhone Max for that.

01:32:07.000 Yeah, they're the newer ones.

01:32:08.000 The big ones.

01:32:09.000 You want the big one.

01:32:10.000 You want the small phone for that.

01:32:11.000 I switched over to the small phone so I look at it less. 1.00

01:32:13.000 That's how stupid I am. 1.00

01:32:14.000 Oh, yeah? 1.00

01:32:15.000 I'm like, if I have a small phone, I'll look at it less.

01:32:17.000 The new Samsung S20. The little flip?

01:32:19.000 No, no, no.

01:32:20.000 Well, they announced that during the Super Bowl.

01:32:22.000 They announced a new one today.

01:32:22.000 It's got a 7-inch screen.

01:32:24.000 What?

01:32:25.000 By default. 1.00

01:32:26.000 Goddamn. 0.99

01:32:27.000 It's like 7.1 inches, I think they said. 0.98

01:32:28.000 What is the Note?

01:32:30.000 It's a 100-megapixel camera.

01:32:31.000 Oh! 0.60

01:32:32.000 God!

01:32:33.000 In a hundred times, 108 megapixel maybe.

01:32:35.000 What are we going to see each other's pores now? 0.99

01:32:36.000 Is that what we're going to have?

01:32:37.000 It's got a hundred times zoom on it too.

01:32:38.000 I want to see the eyelash lice that you're carrying. 0.51

01:32:42.000 It's a crazy phone.

01:32:43.000 Samsung is always raising the...

01:32:45.000 I mean, they have to keep up.

01:32:46.000 In order to jump people off of the Apple tit, they have to make sure that they really provide something exceptional.

01:32:53.000 I know.

01:32:54.000 You know, I'm so glad that guy was barking about the Apple keyboards the other day.

01:32:59.000 I was typing last night on my Lenovo ThinkPad, which is my preferred method of writing.

01:33:05.000 It's so much better, because I have a MacBook, the new one, too.

01:33:08.000 They're like, oh, we fixed the keyboard.

01:33:11.000 No, you didn't.

01:33:11.000 You didn't really fix it.

01:33:13.000 You didn't fix it for a writer.

01:33:14.000 I can write on it.

01:33:15.000 I have written on it.

01:33:16.000 What, do you have a pen and it just kind of...

01:33:17.000 No, you write with the keyboard.

01:33:19.000 Oh, gotcha.

01:33:20.000 But the keyboard blows. 0.99

01:33:20.000 It just sucks. 0.99

01:33:21.000 It's not good. 0.97

01:33:22.000 The keyboard in Lenovo is, like, effortless.

01:33:25.000 It's so much better.

01:33:26.000 There's a little push to it.

01:33:27.000 The little keys have, like, a little C shape to them, so it's a little dimple where your finger fits in perfectly.

01:33:33.000 Some finger dimples?

01:33:34.000 Yes, and you just gently caress the keys and they touch...

01:33:38.000 How's his name?

01:33:39.000 Taika Waititi?

01:33:41.000 Waititi?

01:33:42.000 Yeah.

01:33:42.000 Savage.

01:33:43.000 I love him.

01:33:44.000 What does he do?

01:33:45.000 He was the director of Jojo Rabbit.

01:33:48.000 He just won an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.

01:33:51.000 I heard Jojo Rabbit's hilarious.

01:33:52.000 It's fun.

01:33:53.000 It's really good.

01:33:53.000 I haven't seen it.

01:33:54.000 He's just a cool guy.

01:33:54.000 He's the first indigenous person to win an Oscar.

01:33:57.000 Where's he from?

01:33:57.000 I think Australia.

01:33:58.000 Oh, good for him. 1.00

01:34:00.000 He's right, though, about those shitty fucking keyboards. 1.00

01:34:02.000 Jamie sent it to me immediately. 1.00

01:34:04.000 And I was like, yes!

01:34:05.000 Yes!

01:34:06.000 Did you say yes?

01:34:07.000 Yes! 0.99

01:34:08.000 It's the writer's guild to take it up with the fucking Apple because it's causing people pain. 0.99

01:34:12.000 How much he hates the Apple keyboard. 0.99

01:34:13.000 Well, I don't think it's really causing people pain.

01:34:15.000 He's joking a little bit.

01:34:16.000 He's joking a little bit, but...

01:34:17.000 It's not good. 1.00

01:34:18.000 The fucking Lenovo's are so much better. 0.99

01:34:21.000 Lenovo ThinkPads. 1.00

01:34:23.000 Wait, I want a Lenovo ThinkPad.

01:34:24.000 What does it look like?

01:34:25.000 I'll show you.

01:34:27.000 ThinkPad.

01:34:28.000 Get to the ThinkPad X1 Carbon.

01:34:29.000 That's what I have. 1.00

01:34:30.000 It is the shit. 1.00

01:34:31.000 It weighs nothing. 1.00

01:34:33.000 It weighs nothing.

01:34:34.000 It's beautiful.

01:34:35.000 It folds completely flat.

01:34:36.000 It's so superior.

01:34:38.000 The thing is that it's just like if you're caught in the Apple ecosystem.

01:34:42.000 And by the way, Windows 10 is not bad.

01:34:45.000 It's excellent.

01:34:46.000 It's never crashed on me.

01:34:48.000 I've had three different ThinkPads now for the last three years.

01:34:53.000 And they haven't crashed on me once.

01:34:55.000 Yeah, that looks sharp. 0.98

01:34:56.000 It's fucking so... 0.98

01:34:57.000 Those keys are magical, man. 0.99

01:34:59.000 Your fingers just glide over those keys.

01:35:01.000 You make so many less mistakes.

01:35:03.000 So many less?

01:35:04.000 So few.

01:35:05.000 You make much fewer mistakes.

01:35:08.000 Much fewer mistakes.

01:35:09.000 Look at all the stars it has. 1.00

01:35:11.000 4.6 stars, you fucking twats. 1.00

01:35:15.000 Get your shit together, Apple. 1.00

01:35:17.000 I know. 0.99

01:35:18.000 And by the way, you can also get it in a touchscreen.

01:35:20.000 What?

01:35:21.000 I need to get one of these.

01:35:22.000 It's a superior laptop.

01:35:23.000 If you write, if you like, for me, I like to come home from the store, I spark a join up, Everyone in my house is asleep.

01:35:31.000 All my kids are asleep.

01:35:32.000 My wife's asleep.

01:35:33.000 That's when I get my writing done at night.

01:35:35.000 And that thing is a breeze, man.

01:35:37.000 My fingers just glide over those keys.

01:35:39.000 And I brought my MacBook on the road, and I was writing on that. 1.00

01:35:44.000 I'm like, this is dog shit. 0.99

01:35:45.000 That's so interesting. 1.00

01:35:47.000 I can't write on my...

01:35:49.000 How come?

01:35:50.000 Because it's just too hard.

01:35:51.000 And then I find myself writing on my phone, but I want something, like you said, sleeker, softer.

01:35:58.000 Spark a joint.

01:35:59.000 Put on some Sade.

01:36:01.000 Smooth operator.

01:36:03.000 Ugh.

01:36:04.000 What happened to her?

01:36:05.000 She's around.

01:36:07.000 She's like the McRib. 0.97

01:36:08.000 Every now and then she'll come back. 1.00

01:36:10.000 I think sometimes people just get tired of all the fucking lights. 1.00

01:36:14.000 All the attention, the bullshit. 1.00

01:36:17.000 I do that, man. 1.00

01:36:18.000 I love to just chill out.

01:36:21.000 Everyone thinks I'm always just like party animal.

01:36:24.000 I'm like, no, I'll wake up and be like, Alexa, put on some 1930s jazz.

01:36:30.000 Alexa will do that? 1.00

01:36:31.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:33.000 1930s jazz.

01:36:34.000 Very specific.

01:36:35.000 Yeah.

01:36:36.000 Will Siri do that?

01:36:38.000 Huh?

01:36:39.000 Will Siri do that?

01:36:40.000 Yeah.

01:36:41.000 1930s jazz.

01:36:42.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:43.000 It's just like...

01:36:44.000 It's got to be a playlist out there somewhere.

01:36:46.000 Yeah.

01:36:47.000 Hey, Siri, play some 1930s jazz.

01:36:50.000 Here we go.

01:36:53.000 Here's some 1930s jazz.

01:36:54.000 Worship the devil.

01:36:56.000 Oh, my God, Siri.

01:36:58.000 That's not...

01:36:59.000 That's not...

01:37:01.000 No.

01:37:02.000 That's what Tom Hanks' son listens to.

01:37:05.000 Is that 1930s jazz?

01:37:07.000 No, definitely not.

01:37:08.000 That's definitely some steel drum. 0.99

01:37:10.000 Hey Siri, you don't know what the fuck 1930s jazz is, do you? 1.00

01:37:17.000 Oh, she's fucking with me. 1.00

01:37:19.000 But it does work. 1.00

01:37:22.000 Hey Siri, play some John Coltrane.

01:37:27.000 If it's the same song.

01:37:28.000 Yeah.

01:37:29.000 There you go.

01:37:31.000 That's 1930s jazz.

01:37:32.000 That's legit.

01:37:33.000 That's legit.

01:37:35.000 Put my dimmer down, light an incense.

01:37:37.000 Oh, it's the best.

01:37:38.000 Light that lighter, get that spoon out, prepare the heroin.

01:37:44.000 Black tar.

01:37:45.000 Only the best.

01:37:46.000 Is that the best?

01:37:48.000 Allegedly.

01:37:49.000 Have you ever tried heroin?

01:37:50.000 No!

01:37:51.000 I don't know why I yelled at you.

01:37:53.000 God!

01:37:54.000 No, I have not tried heroin.

01:37:55.000 Have you tried cocaine?

01:37:56.000 Yes.

01:37:57.000 How dare you?

01:37:58.000 I have.

01:37:59.000 Getting coked up?

01:38:00.000 Am I? Coked up?

01:38:02.000 Right around?

01:38:03.000 I can't do it anymore. 1.00

01:38:04.000 Because you don't know what that shit's cut with anymore. 1.00

01:38:06.000 That's true. 1.00

01:38:07.000 I saw some video and they're like, do it one more time and it'll kill you.

01:38:10.000 I'm like, nope.

01:38:11.000 Fentanyl.

01:38:12.000 Yeah.

01:38:13.000 Well, I had a guy in here.

01:38:15.000 What was the guy's name?

01:38:17.000 Was it Ben Westhoff?

01:38:19.000 The writer who wrote that book on fentanyl.

01:38:23.000 He used to be a...

01:38:26.000 He was a journalist.

01:38:27.000 He used to write for LA Weekly.

01:38:31.000 Fentanyl, Inc.

01:38:32.000 Yes.

01:38:33.000 Fentanyl, Inc.

01:38:34.000 And he said they were reviewing all these raves where people were dying.

01:38:39.000 They're dying from MDMA. It didn't make any sense.

01:38:42.000 So they did some tests.

01:38:43.000 They found it's not really MDMA they're dying from.

01:38:47.000 It's MDMA cut with fentanyl.

01:38:49.000 And plus they're not hydrating themselves because you sweat.

01:38:52.000 Because those people will just rave until their heart explodes.

01:38:55.000 There's probably some of that too.

01:38:56.000 There's probably a few of those.

01:38:57.000 But a lot of it is just overdoses of fentanyl because they're cutting it.

01:39:00.000 I don't trust drugs anymore.

01:39:02.000 That's why drugs should be legal. 0.94

01:39:04.000 One of the Mayor Pete things, he had this weird conversation with one of the journalists where he was talking about decriminalizing drugs, and the guy was like, so you would say heroin would be legal?

01:39:15.000 And he goes, no, it wouldn't be legal.

01:39:17.000 He goes, well, that's what decriminalizing is.

01:39:19.000 There's this weird conversation where they're...

01:39:21.000 I'm trying to work out the legal logistics of what's decriminalized and what's not.

01:39:25.000 But it sounds totally counterproductive that if you wanted to have a healthy, happy society, you'd make cocaine and heroin legal.

01:39:32.000 Right. 0.97

01:39:33.000 But the problem is, if it's not legal, then people are going to get it anyway, and they're going to get it from the fucking cartels, and they're going to get it, and it's going to be spiked. 0.98

01:39:39.000 I don't want anybody to do heroin. 0.99

01:39:41.000 I don't want anybody to do coke.

01:39:42.000 I don't want anybody to do any of those drugs.

01:39:45.000 The only way you're going to give them pure versions of that drug is to make sure that it's actually from a reputable source.

01:39:52.000 Mm-hmm.

01:39:53.000 Reputable.

01:39:54.000 Yeah.

01:39:54.000 Why did I say reputable?

01:39:55.000 That's a weird way of saying it, right?

01:39:56.000 Tomato, tomato.

01:39:57.000 No.

01:39:58.000 Reputable?

01:39:58.000 I've done ice.

01:39:59.000 Who says reputable?

01:39:59.000 That was weird.

01:40:00.000 People that say nuclear.

01:40:02.000 Nuclear?

01:40:03.000 Nuclear.

01:40:03.000 Is it nuclear?

01:40:05.000 Nuclear.

01:40:07.000 I've done ice.

01:40:08.000 That was one thing.

01:40:09.000 What is ice?

01:40:10.000 I think it's meth.

01:40:11.000 Meth?

01:40:11.000 Yeah.

01:40:11.000 How was that?

01:40:12.000 Good times?

01:40:13.000 Awful!

01:40:14.000 How long did you stay awake?

01:40:15.000 Oh, all night. 0.99

01:40:18.000 Shit, I think I was 22, and a friend of mine at the time, I guess, was like, hey, we're going to smoke this out of a light bulb. 1.00

01:40:29.000 I'm like, fuck, yeah! 1.00

01:40:31.000 I don't know why. 1.00

01:40:34.000 How do you smoke it out of a light bulb?

01:40:36.000 It's like the end of it was cut off and you just light it underneath.

01:40:40.000 How would one cut a light bulb? 0.99

01:40:42.000 I don't fucking know. 1.00

01:40:44.000 Oh man, I did that and I just remember going to a bar and just talking the fucking bartender's ear off. 0.99

01:40:52.000 Just... 0.99

01:40:54.000 Just non-stop.

01:40:56.000 I remember going home and then I remember it being like 3 o'clock in the morning.

01:41:00.000 I'm like, you know what sounds good?

01:41:01.000 I'm going to move all my furniture around.

01:41:03.000 It was just... 1.00

01:41:04.000 Like my neighbors were probably like, you fucking asshole! 1.00

01:41:08.000 And then I remember going to bed finally at like 6 o'clock in the morning and it was the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life. 1.00

01:41:17.000 Like my body just felt broken.

01:41:20.000 Rotted.

01:41:21.000 Rotted.

01:41:22.000 Yeah, just corroded.

01:41:24.000 Well, that energy's coming out of somewhere.

01:41:26.000 Well, because once you do it, you're addicted.

01:41:29.000 Oh, really?

01:41:30.000 Yeah.

01:41:31.000 It was like right when it ended is when my body was like, you need more, you're going through withdrawals.

01:41:36.000 Really?

01:41:37.000 One time?

01:41:38.000 One time.

01:41:39.000 It's all it takes.

01:41:40.000 Really?

01:41:40.000 Mm-hmm.

01:41:41.000 And then I literally sat in my room and just...

01:41:45.000 Shook it all out and sweated.

01:41:47.000 And I remember making a vow to myself.

01:41:49.000 I was like, I am never doing this again.

01:41:52.000 And then finally, it was like, someone asked me, they were like, have you ever...

01:41:55.000 I was like, yeah, I've never done meth.

01:41:57.000 I mean, I've done ice. 1.00

01:41:58.000 And they're like, that's what that is, you dumb fuck. 1.00

01:42:00.000 And I was like, oh man! 1.00

01:42:02.000 I mean, it was not, not pleasant.

01:42:05.000 And you see how quickly people can become addicted to that stuff.

01:42:08.000 One time you're addicted.

01:42:09.000 All it takes.

01:42:10.000 Wow.

01:42:10.000 So at the end of it, you're like, oh my god, I'm so wrecked.

01:42:12.000 I just need a little to get me over.

01:42:14.000 And the next thing you know, you're doing a little all the time. 0.99

01:42:16.000 That's the same shit with Adderall, by the way. 0.99

01:42:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:42:19.000 That's what Adderall is.

01:42:19.000 It's just a very slow release.

01:42:22.000 I think that's what Xanax is.

01:42:24.000 I think that's what Vicodin is.

01:42:25.000 You don't think so?

01:42:26.000 Well, those are different kinds of drugs.

01:42:27.000 They're not amphetamines.

01:42:29.000 Well, right.

01:42:29.000 The amphetamines are a real issue for people that seek productivity.

01:42:33.000 Yeah.

01:42:33.000 Right?

01:42:34.000 That's why you're trying to clean your house and organize and stuff.

01:42:36.000 It's just like...

01:42:37.000 Yeah.

01:42:38.000 Oh, man.

01:42:39.000 That was brutal.

01:42:39.000 That's what happens with Housewives.

01:42:42.000 The real housewives? 1.00

01:42:43.000 No, real ones.

01:42:44.000 Actual housewives. 0.82

01:42:45.000 Actual housewives. 0.82

01:42:45.000 They want to organize. 0.82

01:42:47.000 LA housewives, they take a fucking Adderall. 1.00

01:42:50.000 Put it in a smoothie? 1.00

01:42:51.000 Putting all their books on the shelves in alphabetical order and that kind of shit. 1.00

01:42:55.000 Just listen to a podcast. 0.99

01:42:56.000 Calm down.

01:42:57.000 No.

01:42:57.000 Just put your podcast on.

01:42:58.000 Do both.

01:42:59.000 Both at the same time. 0.82

01:43:00.000 With a butt plug in.

01:43:03.000 They want to multitask.

01:43:04.000 So specific.

01:43:05.000 Yeah, they want to multitask.

01:43:07.000 Get the old butt wrecker. 1.00

01:43:09.000 That's a good brand. 1.00

01:43:10.000 A buddy of mine who used to date a girl that liked to do speed, he said they're the best girls to have anal sex with because they never eat, so they never shit. 1.00

01:43:19.000 And I was like, I didn't need you to know that. 1.00

01:43:22.000 And that is honesty.

01:43:25.000 She never eats.

01:43:27.000 There's nothing going on down there.

01:43:28.000 Because there's nothing worse than getting an oil slick.

01:43:31.000 That's not fun.

01:43:33.000 I mean, that's when it's over.

01:43:36.000 There's no coming back from that.

01:43:37.000 Some people can come back from that.

01:43:39.000 Some people on ice.

01:43:41.000 I like the smell you do. 1.00

01:43:46.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

01:43:48.000 Who's my dipstick? 1.00

01:43:50.000 You have to plan that, right?

01:43:53.000 You do.

01:43:53.000 You have to do it correctly.

01:43:55.000 You have to time your food intake and make sure you don't drink too much coffee.

01:43:58.000 It's a lot going on there.

01:44:00.000 It's a lot going on, but if you find the one, you can do it right.

01:44:04.000 The one.

01:44:05.000 That's the one area where the good Lord has done a disservice to gay folks.

01:44:11.000 They haven't given them a lot of options.

01:44:13.000 Uh, yeah.

01:44:15.000 I mean, I don't.

01:44:17.000 It's good not to.

01:44:18.000 I can't. 0.99

01:44:18.000 I don't trust my butt, honestly. 0.99

01:44:21.000 I don't. 0.99

01:44:21.000 You shouldn't. 0.99

01:44:22.000 It's like, I don't trust my butt. 1.00

01:44:24.000 I do not trust my butt. 1.00

01:44:26.000 I don't want anything in there. 0.99

01:44:27.000 Good move.

01:44:27.000 I feel like there's an octopus beak that comes out and it'll just snap.

01:44:33.000 I feel like it's the Sarlacc pit that Boba Fett fell into in Star Wars. 1.00

01:44:37.000 I don't trust my butt. 0.99

01:44:39.000 I don't. 0.99

01:44:40.000 If you try to put anything in there, I'm just like...

01:44:43.000 Yikes! 1.00

01:44:44.000 Clamp. 0.73

01:44:45.000 Nope.

01:44:45.000 Just do a lot of squats.

01:44:46.000 That way nobody would want to.

01:44:48.000 It's just too tight.

01:44:51.000 Dead lifts.

01:44:52.000 But that's kind of hot, though.

01:44:54.000 Big legs are hot. 0.99

01:44:55.000 Yeah, but not too big. 0.98

01:44:56.000 Like, if your butt is so tight that, like, literally it clamps down.

01:45:01.000 You know, like, people get sleep apnea, like football players do, because their neck is so big, it, like, cuts off. 0.59

01:45:07.000 Oh, that's awful.

01:45:07.000 It cuts off the air pipe.

01:45:09.000 That's real?

01:45:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:09.000 There's so much muscle in their neck that when they lay back, like, they choke to death.

01:45:15.000 Like, football players would choke to death falling asleep from sleep apnea, just from giant necks. 1.00

01:45:19.000 You can do that with your butthole. 1.00

01:45:21.000 That makes sense. 1.00

01:45:22.000 But then dudes with little dicks would seek you out. 1.00

01:45:24.000 Like, aha. 1.00

01:45:27.000 Behold.

01:45:27.000 I found a place where it can be tough.

01:45:29.000 Oh, God. 1.00

01:45:30.000 There's nothing worse than a small dick. 1.00

01:45:32.000 Nothing worse? 1.00

01:45:33.000 Well, yeah, but...

01:45:35.000 But is that...

01:45:35.000 That's a weird thing if you...

01:45:37.000 Okay.

01:45:38.000 So, like, gay guys, even though... 0.98

01:45:41.000 Here we go. 1.00

01:45:42.000 You don't want it in your butt, you still want a big one. 0.99

01:45:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:48.000 Right.

01:45:49.000 I mean, I get it, but I don't get it.

01:45:51.000 I do get it.

01:45:52.000 It's like...

01:45:53.000 Genetics. 0.99

01:45:54.000 Do you want small tits? 1.00

01:45:55.000 I don't mind. 0.99

01:45:56.000 See, I don't mind either, but I think a lot of people in the...

01:46:00.000 I mean, wait, hold on.

01:46:01.000 The straight community? 0.99

01:46:02.000 A lot of people in the straight community... 0.73

01:46:03.000 Let me speak for the straight community. 0.98

01:46:04.000 They'll take whatever they can.

01:46:06.000 Let me speak for my people.

01:46:06.000 Uh-huh.

01:46:07.000 Go for it. 0.98

01:46:07.000 What they like is butts. 0.98

01:46:09.000 Girls with big butts. 1.00

01:46:10.000 Yes. 0.99

01:46:11.000 Why is that?

01:46:12.000 It's because it's genes.

01:46:13.000 It's like the genes are signaling that this is a healthy woman who will give birth easily.

01:46:19.000 Oh, it's the old medieval hip trick? 0.98

01:46:21.000 It's all...

01:46:22.000 It is all tricks. 1.00

01:46:23.000 She will labor many moon children and shit. 1.00

01:46:26.000 Why does someone want someone with perfect features? 1.00

01:46:28.000 Because you want someone with great genetics.

01:46:30.000 There's a bunch of things that are favored, right?

01:46:33.000 Like height.

01:46:34.000 Tall men are favored.

01:46:36.000 Strong men are favored.

01:46:40.000 Genetics. 1.00

01:46:40.000 Big dicks. 1.00

01:46:41.000 Mating. 1.00

01:46:42.000 Yeah.

01:46:42.000 That's all it is.

01:46:43.000 It's all genes.

01:46:45.000 It's animal genes.

01:46:46.000 If you see a Kendall Jenner who... 0.99

01:46:49.000 Right.

01:46:50.000 Who's not like her sisters.

01:46:51.000 I wonder what happened. 1.00

01:46:53.000 Because she wants to model, so she can't fill her ass up with silicone and shit. 1.00

01:47:00.000 Oh, I thought you were talking about facial surgery. 1.00

01:47:01.000 Is that Kylie or Kendall?

01:47:03.000 Oh my god, let's play a game called Name the Kardashian with Joe Rogan.

01:47:08.000 Kendall's the model. 0.60

01:47:09.000 Kendall's the youngest.

01:47:10.000 There's Kylie and Kendall.

01:47:11.000 Which one had her face changed?

01:47:13.000 Kylie.

01:47:14.000 Okay, so this is the other one.

01:47:15.000 I mean, which one?

01:47:16.000 But Kylie did, but Kendall's the one who kind of kept herself normal. 0.98

01:47:20.000 Not normal, I don't want to say that. 0.95

01:47:21.000 She didn't fill her butt up with plastic. 1.00

01:47:22.000 She didn't fill her butt up. 1.00

01:47:23.000 She's a model. 1.00

01:47:24.000 She's doing Fashion Week.

01:47:25.000 She's... 1.00

01:47:25.000 Yeah, that's... 1.00

01:47:26.000 Okay, so the one...

01:47:27.000 Oh my God, I can't...

01:47:27.000 Which one's which?

01:47:28.000 Kendall's on the left.

01:47:29.000 Kylie's on the right.

01:47:30.000 Okay.

01:47:31.000 So the one on the left is natural and the one on the right is the one she had her face fixed. 1.00

01:47:36.000 Yeah, so Kylie's like the billionaire who's selling makeup and tits and ass. 1.00

01:47:42.000 Look at those fake boobs. 1.00

01:47:43.000 Good lord. 0.98

01:47:44.000 But Kendall, I mean...

01:47:45.000 So Kendall has real ones.

01:47:47.000 Kendall has, I mean...

01:47:48.000 Those are normal.

01:47:49.000 Those are normal.

01:47:49.000 The ones next to it, those are balloons.

01:47:51.000 So which one's more attractive to you?

01:47:53.000 Depends on how horny you are and how drunk you are. 1.00

01:47:55.000 Interesting.

01:47:56.000 And who's interested.

01:47:58.000 That is a good factor.

01:48:00.000 Who's interested?

01:48:01.000 Yeah.

01:48:01.000 I've been horny and I've been drunk.

01:48:04.000 I bet you have. 0.81

01:48:05.000 Yeah.

01:48:06.000 I bet both at the same time, huh?

01:48:08.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:09.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:10.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:11.000 At the store, too.

01:48:12.000 I've done it.

01:48:12.000 I've tried it.

01:48:13.000 I've tried it.

01:48:14.000 I've tried it.

01:48:15.000 Pick them out of the audience.

01:48:17.000 I like you.

01:48:19.000 Jeans are strange, man.

01:48:20.000 They are weird, huh?

01:48:21.000 What attracts people to others?

01:48:23.000 I mean, there's a lot of factors, right?

01:48:25.000 Like, mean people are very unattractive.

01:48:28.000 Right. 0.96

01:48:30.000 Boring people are very unattractive. 1.00

01:48:33.000 Stupid people are very unattractive. 1.00

01:48:36.000 There's a lot of factors, but... 1.00

01:48:37.000 But then it gets down to like animal stuff.

01:48:41.000 Like shapes.

01:48:42.000 Shapes of bodies.

01:48:43.000 Size of hogs. 1.00

01:48:44.000 Right?

01:48:46.000 Right?

01:48:48.000 Size of hogs. 1.00

01:48:49.000 The size of the hog.

01:48:50.000 I think they're at Coachella this year.

01:48:52.000 Oh, that's the name of the band?

01:48:53.000 Size of hogs. 1.00

01:48:54.000 I get it.

01:48:55.000 I thought it was like a...

01:48:56.000 Well, I think...

01:48:57.000 Improv truth.

01:48:58.000 I think everybody...

01:48:59.000 And that's always been fascinating to me is when you see like the study of the law of attraction where it's like you see something you like, how your pupils dilate and how you... 0.86

01:49:08.000 How you kind of, like pheromones and weird shit. 0.95

01:49:10.000 I got a cologne. 0.99

01:49:11.000 God, I can't remember what the...

01:49:12.000 Oh, it was called...

01:49:13.000 So that's who buys cologne.

01:49:15.000 Huh? 0.99

01:49:15.000 Gay guys. 0.99

01:49:16.000 What about?

01:49:16.000 I was wondering.

01:49:17.000 What? 1.00

01:49:17.000 Who the fuck's buying cologne? 1.00

01:49:20.000 Me. 1.00

01:49:22.000 I love cologne.

01:49:22.000 How many different colognes do you have in your house?

01:49:25.000 I probably have about, like, ten.

01:49:27.000 Whoa.

01:49:28.000 Oh, you're a connoisseur.

01:49:30.000 Yeah.

01:49:30.000 Do you have, like, different...

01:49:31.000 Like, tonight is the night.

01:49:32.000 Yeah.

01:49:33.000 Yeah.

01:49:35.000 I pull it out of the vault.

01:49:38.000 No, not this one.

01:49:40.000 I sign up for Scentbird.

01:49:43.000 Scentbird is the cologne.

01:49:45.000 They send you a different cologne every month.

01:49:47.000 It's a cologne club.

01:49:48.000 It's like Dollar Shave Club, but for cologne?

01:49:51.000 It's like $14.95, you get a little vial of cologne.

01:49:53.000 Jesus Christ.

01:49:54.000 Hey, I've been with them for two, three years.

01:49:56.000 Scentbird.

01:49:57.000 Oh my God.

01:49:57.000 But I do it every year.

01:49:59.000 I'll have my January through my December smells.

01:50:03.000 You have different smells for different times of the year?

01:50:13.000 Yeah!

01:50:14.000 I got my spring, I got my summer, I got my fall, and I got a little spicy at the end of the year.

01:50:19.000 Oh, so you get spicy towards the fall and the winter time?

01:50:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:50:22.000 Like what, like a pumpkin-y sort of?

01:50:24.000 Not pumpkin, no, just like a nice Dolce& Gabbana, a little bit of rag and bone, a little bit of, yeah.

01:50:29.000 And they have them all on there.

01:50:31.000 And they're nice.

01:50:32.000 Okay.

01:50:33.000 I've always smelled good.

01:50:34.000 Okay. 0.99

01:50:35.000 People are like, damn, you smell good. 1.00

01:50:37.000 I'm like, fuck yeah, you're right. 1.00

01:50:38.000 Do you put like a tiny bit? 0.99

01:50:39.000 Tiny bit.

01:50:40.000 Just a touch.

01:50:41.000 Just, that's it.

01:50:42.000 But you have ten.

01:50:44.000 Yeah.

01:50:44.000 And they keep sending you more.

01:50:46.000 Are you worried you're going to run out of space? 0.75

01:50:48.000 People are going to come over your house like, oh my god, Justin's insane. 1.00

01:50:51.000 This fucking house is filled with cologne. 1.00

01:50:53.000 He's wallowing in his own filth. 1.00

01:50:56.000 No, I have, I have, usually I'll use, for the month, I'll use that as my month, and then, you know, if I don't use them, I'll save them.

01:51:03.000 Oh, you save them.

01:51:04.000 There is a cologne that I had, it was called Sexuelle.

01:51:08.000 Sexual?

01:51:08.000 Sexual.

01:51:09.000 Is that even a word? 1.00

01:51:10.000 Or is that just some asshole? 1.00

01:51:11.000 It's some asshole, but let's just go with it. 1.00

01:51:13.000 This is how you say it, like when people would say in Spanish, can you tell me where-o is the restaurante-o? 1.00

01:51:19.000 Oh, yeah.

01:51:21.000 Sexual.

01:51:22.000 But it had pheromones in it.

01:51:24.000 Oh, sure it did.

01:51:25.000 So it had pheromones in it, and every time I would wear it, women would be like, hmm, hey, you smell good. 1.00

01:51:31.000 Yeah, because they probably took some fat guy and made him run on a treadmill, and then they dripped his fucking underwear into each bottle. 1.00

01:51:37.000 Oh, to Bert Kreischer? 0.99

01:51:39.000 Yes, there he is.

01:51:40.000 I didn't call you Fat Bert.

01:51:42.000 No!

01:51:42.000 He does it all the time!

01:51:44.000 I don't think he's fat. 0.70

01:51:46.000 He's definitely fat.

01:51:47.000 He's thick with two C's. 0.97

01:51:48.000 No, if you just Google Bert is fat, you'll find... 0.67

01:51:50.000 I know, but that's mean.

01:51:52.000 He's thick. 0.84

01:51:53.000 Tom and Bert, they call each other fat.

01:51:55.000 The bear cave.

01:51:56.000 They fat-chamed each other.

01:51:56.000 What is it?

01:51:57.000 Two bears, one cave.

01:51:58.000 Two bears.

01:51:59.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:51:59.000 That's a gay term. 0.95

01:52:02.000 Tell them. 0.98

01:52:02.000 You should tell them that. 0.98

01:52:03.000 They should know.

01:52:04.000 They probably don't know.

01:52:05.000 Because they named it.

01:52:05.000 They'd probably be stunned and have to change their podcast.

01:52:07.000 Two bears, one cave?

01:52:08.000 They're both bears. 0.99

01:52:09.000 In the gay community, those are bears. 1.00

01:52:11.000 So they didn't get the joke? 0.96

01:52:12.000 They didn't get the reference?

01:52:13.000 I think they know.

01:52:14.000 They should know.

01:52:14.000 Are they technically bears?

01:52:16.000 Yeah.

01:52:16.000 Don't you have to be kind of a little buff to be a bear?

01:52:18.000 No.

01:52:18.000 No?

01:52:19.000 No.

01:52:19.000 Just hairy?

01:52:20.000 Yeah.

01:52:21.000 And fat? 0.89

01:52:21.000 I don't know what you are. 0.89

01:52:23.000 What am I? You're not a bear and you're not- Chimp. 1.00

01:52:26.000 Huh?

01:52:26.000 A chimp?

01:52:27.000 No. 0.72

01:52:28.000 Yeah, what is Joe Rogan in the gay community?

01:52:30.000 No.

01:52:33.000 I think that's why I don't have a thing either.

01:52:35.000 Good.

01:52:36.000 Congratulations.

01:52:37.000 I used to be a twink, and now I'm not.

01:52:39.000 And now I'm not hairy.

01:52:41.000 What changed?

01:52:42.000 I grew up, Joe.

01:52:44.000 I grew up.

01:52:45.000 That's an issue with gay folks, right, as you get older. 1.00

01:52:48.000 See, older guys that are straight can get hoes. 1.00

01:52:52.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:52:53.000 Gold diggers.

01:52:53.000 Yeah.

01:52:54.000 Yeah.

01:52:54.000 I love a good old hoe.

01:52:56.000 I know some dudes who are just really old, and they have young, hot girlfriends or wives.

01:53:01.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:01.000 And it's hilarious, because they got that cheddar.

01:53:04.000 Yeah.

01:53:05.000 They got that cheddar.

01:53:06.000 But then...

01:53:06.000 That doesn't work with guys, does it?

01:53:09.000 Yeah.

01:53:10.000 It does for twinks, right? 0.98

01:53:11.000 It does for young gays. 0.99

01:53:13.000 The young gays. 0.99

01:53:13.000 There's definitely some where I've been like, this guy's like 85 years old, and it's like... 0.99

01:53:18.000 Is it a 19-year-old woman?

01:53:19.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:20.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:53:21.000 But that's okay in the gay community, whereas that's disgusting in the straight community. 1.00

01:53:25.000 If you see an 80-year-old guy with an 18-year-old girl, you want to beat him to death. 1.00

01:53:28.000 You piece of shit. 1.00

01:53:30.000 But if you see an 80-year-old gay guy with an 18-year-old boy, like, oh, found himself a fella. 1.00

01:53:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:53:35.000 But you also can look and be like, that'll do, pig. 0.92

01:53:38.000 But you know also, the other way, if you find an 80-year-old lady and she's got a 24-year-old boyfriend, you're like, you go, girl. 1.00

01:53:45.000 Go, bitch. 1.00

01:53:45.000 You go. 1.00

01:53:46.000 Good for her.

01:53:47.000 Good for her.

01:53:48.000 Nobody's mad at her.

01:53:49.000 Yeah.

01:53:50.000 If anything, you're mad at the guy for playing that old lady and getting her to buy you a Corvette.

01:53:56.000 See, that's how I feel about Britney Spears right now.

01:53:58.000 Really?

01:53:58.000 Yeah.

01:53:58.000 What's going on with her?

01:53:59.000 She's kind of going through her thing.

01:54:00.000 What is her thing?

01:54:01.000 She's just, you know, she's in a concert, what's it called?

01:54:03.000 A conservatorship?

01:54:05.000 I don't know.

01:54:07.000 Conservatorship?

01:54:07.000 Like her dad's in charge of her and she's like almost 40. Right.

01:54:11.000 Is that an issue? 1.00

01:54:12.000 Yeah, she's got like mental shit going on. 1.00

01:54:16.000 If you look at her Instagram, she's just walking down, just flipping her hair. 1.00

01:54:19.000 Let's go to her Instagram. 0.78

01:54:19.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.78

01:54:20.000 Here we go.

01:54:21.000 Brittany, I love you.

01:54:22.000 It came up a week ago.

01:54:23.000 I thought you were getting to this, but...

01:54:24.000 Oh, wait, what?

01:54:25.000 I've heard...

01:54:26.000 We didn't get there, but I knew this was...

01:54:28.000 When I was having a conversation with Bill Maher, because...

01:54:31.000 He talked about this?

01:54:32.000 Well, I said she's hot, and Bill Maher said, what?

01:54:34.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

01:54:35.000 And then my wife gave me a ton of shit for saying that Britney Spears is hot. 1.00

01:54:38.000 She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

01:54:40.000 She's not hot. 1.00

01:54:40.000 She's, you know, there's a whole thing saying, you know, hashtag save Britney because they just feel like she's not in control of anything in her life anymore. 1.00

01:54:49.000 Like her dad owns everything.

01:54:50.000 She can't drive. 0.91

01:54:51.000 She can't do... 1.00

01:54:52.000 Right, but don't you think there's a reason for that?

01:54:54.000 If she was in control, she...

01:54:55.000 Whoa.

01:54:56.000 She doesn't.

01:54:57.000 Cracked out.

01:54:58.000 Yeah.

01:54:58.000 But she has like this hot 24-year-old...

01:55:01.000 Wait, who put that photo up?

01:55:02.000 She did.

01:55:02.000 Let me see that photo.

01:55:03.000 Well, somebody did.

01:55:04.000 Oh my god.

01:55:04.000 Go large with that picture.

01:55:07.000 Bro, look at those. 0.71

01:55:08.000 She looks completely insane. 0.99

01:55:09.000 Well, she's taking her pants off. 1.00

01:55:11.000 She's got tattoos right next to her pussy. 1.00

01:55:13.000 Well, I mean, who doesn't? 1.00

01:55:15.000 Me.

01:55:15.000 Can't wait for spring.

01:55:16.000 Can't wait for spring.

01:55:18.000 What?

01:55:18.000 That's her caption?

01:55:19.000 All the emojis.

01:55:20.000 All of the emojis.

01:55:21.000 Yeah, every emoji.

01:55:22.000 She's got like a shoe, an eggplant. 1.00

01:55:25.000 And look at that one there.

01:55:26.000 What's going on with this one?

01:55:29.000 2020, I will be doing a lot more acro yoga.

01:55:32.000 Let me hear this, please.

01:55:33.000 I'm going to open up my back and my chest, and I'm out here with my dogs, and we're going to have a beautiful day.

01:55:39.000 Oh, you just killed my fantasies.

01:55:42.000 Yeah.

01:55:42.000 She looks like a 70 year old lady.

01:55:45.000 My babies.

01:55:48.000 What?

01:55:48.000 What is this?

01:55:50.000 What's going on?

01:55:50.000 This is acroyoga?

01:55:53.000 She just does that. 1.00

01:55:55.000 Oh, she looks crazy now, huh? 0.99

01:55:56.000 She'll walk through her house and she does these little fashion shows where she'll put on her outfits and just spin around and you're just kind of like, what?

01:56:03.000 Doesn't she do a residency in Vegas? 1.00

01:56:05.000 No, she did.

01:56:06.000 What is she doing now? 0.98

01:56:07.000 She canceled her residency days before it was supposed to open.

01:56:09.000 I have friends of mine who were supposed to dance in her second residency that she was doing.

01:56:15.000 Days before, they canceled it.

01:56:17.000 Because that was the whole thing.

01:56:18.000 Her dad...

01:56:20.000 Said no.

01:56:21.000 Apparently, like, her dad even slapped one of her kids in front. 1.00

01:56:24.000 Like, it was really fucked up. 0.99

01:56:26.000 Do you know this is true? 0.99

01:56:27.000 No, no, no.

01:56:28.000 This is all real.

01:56:29.000 Accusations?

01:56:30.000 No, no, no.

01:56:30.000 Oh, it's out there.

01:56:31.000 No, it's out there.

01:56:32.000 It's out there.

01:56:33.000 It's real.

01:56:33.000 Oh, it's real.

01:56:34.000 Yeah.

01:56:34.000 She does look kooky for Cocoa Puffs.

01:56:36.000 Yeah, and so now, you know...

01:56:40.000 Everyone's rooting for and everything, and it's just...

01:56:43.000 Everyone.

01:56:43.000 They are!

01:56:44.000 We're rooting for Britney Spears!

01:56:45.000 What's going on here?

01:56:46.000 She's in Hawaii! 1.00

01:56:47.000 It's my birthday, bitches! 1.00

01:56:49.000 How old is she? 1.00

01:56:51.000 She's probably 37, 38. Okay, she's bowling.

01:56:56.000 What happened to her butt? 1.00

01:56:57.000 Way to go. 0.99

01:57:00.000 Look at that.

01:57:00.000 She's getting a ball of strike.

01:57:02.000 Yay! 0.99

01:57:04.000 I know.

01:57:05.000 It's so sad.

01:57:06.000 But where was I going with this?

01:57:07.000 Oh, yeah.

01:57:07.000 She has this hot 24-year-old boyfriend.

01:57:11.000 Good for her.

01:57:11.000 I hope she buys him a car.

01:57:12.000 Is that him?

01:57:13.000 Yeah, look at this guy.

01:57:13.000 Let me see.

01:57:14.000 He's a moose.

01:57:16.000 He's a handsome fellow.

01:57:16.000 He's an elk.

01:57:17.000 What's going on around his neck?

01:57:18.000 Is that a neck pillow for an airplane?

01:57:20.000 Does he just wear that everywhere?

01:57:21.000 Probably.

01:57:22.000 You have to take precautions. 1.00

01:57:24.000 If he gets sleepy, he leans his head on that fucking neck pillow. 1.00

01:57:30.000 God, I mean, and that tree, come on. 1.00

01:57:33.000 She does look like she's out of her fucking mind. 1.00

01:57:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:36.000 So Bill Maher's right.

01:57:37.000 I'm sorry, Bill.

01:57:38.000 Yeah.

01:57:40.000 That one where she's doing the aqua yoga, that was sad.

01:57:43.000 Yeah.

01:57:44.000 That's sad.

01:57:44.000 There's a lot of them where you're just kind of like...

01:57:46.000 Just seems crazy.

01:57:47.000 I know.

01:57:47.000 I mean, yeah, it's just a lot of head flips.

01:57:50.000 And then I... Yeah. 0.98

01:57:51.000 Yeah, well, she's probably insane. 1.00

01:57:54.000 I mean, wasn't she like 16 when she made it?

01:57:56.000 I mean, that's the story of Hollywood.

01:57:57.000 You know, it's like you start out at like 6, pump you full of pills, and then...

01:58:02.000 You know who's alright, kinda, sorta?

01:58:04.000 Who?

01:58:04.000 Macaulay Culkin.

01:58:05.000 He's on the cover of, uh, what's it called this, in March, Vanity Fair.

01:58:09.000 They just released it this morning.

01:58:10.000 Esquire.

01:58:11.000 He looks good.

01:58:12.000 GQ. Something like that.

01:58:13.000 Sports Illustrated.

01:58:14.000 Yeah, he's doing well.

01:58:15.000 Bears in Caves.

01:58:16.000 Bears in Caves.

01:58:18.000 He's in here.

01:58:19.000 Bowing alone.

01:58:19.000 We had a real good conversation.

01:58:21.000 I really enjoyed his company.

01:58:23.000 He's a nice guy.

01:58:24.000 And he realizes McCall Culkin is not like you.

01:58:27.000 The 39-year-old.

01:58:29.000 Esquire.

01:58:29.000 That's what it is.

01:58:30.000 Esquire.

01:58:31.000 Esquire's March 2020 cover boy.

01:58:33.000 Has been liberated longer than...

01:58:34.000 He's an interesting guy.

01:58:36.000 He really is.

01:58:38.000 I bet he is.

01:58:39.000 He knows he's gone through something that you're not supposed to go through.

01:58:43.000 Like, he knows.

01:58:44.000 He knows that he did something you're not supposed to do.

01:58:46.000 He developed as a human being in a gigantic population of people.

01:58:52.000 Like, everyone knew who he was.

01:58:54.000 Oh, yeah.

01:58:54.000 He's hugely famous when he was a little boy, and that's not good for anybody.

01:58:59.000 Well, and people would see him on the streets and be like, do the thing!

01:59:01.000 Do the thing!

01:59:02.000 I'm sure he still gets that.

01:59:04.000 And you can't say no. 0.98

01:59:05.000 They get fucking mad at you. 0.99

01:59:05.000 They want to kick you. 0.99

01:59:06.000 Yeah.

01:59:09.000 But Britney Spears, man. 0.99

01:59:11.000 I know.

01:59:12.000 When did she make it?

01:59:13.000 How old was she? 0.89

01:59:13.000 She made it in 1999 was her first hit. 0.89

01:59:16.000 She was also on the Mickey Mouse Club before that.

01:59:18.000 She was in the Mickey Mouse Club with Justin Timberlake and J.C. Chazet. 1.00

01:59:22.000 She's double, triple fucked. 1.00

01:59:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:59:24.000 She's fucked. 1.00

01:59:24.000 She looks crazy. 1.00

01:59:26.000 She's probably pilled up. 1.00

01:59:28.000 Probably got around all kinds of stuff.

01:59:30.000 She had a show with her husband at the time called Chaotic with Kevin Federline.

01:59:36.000 And they followed her around and she was like yacked out of her mind.

01:59:40.000 He's one of those gold diggers on the male side. 0.53

01:59:42.000 We only have two.

01:59:43.000 Him and Tom Arnold.

01:59:44.000 The male ones have made it. 0.91

01:59:45.000 We got two up on the board.

01:59:47.000 There are so many women who have made so much money off men and divorces and only two men that I know of. 0.92

01:59:54.000 That have really scored and scored well.

01:59:57.000 Who else?

01:59:58.000 Someone else?

01:59:59.000 Yes.

02:00:02.000 Anna Nicole Smith's ex.

02:00:05.000 Really?

02:00:06.000 I think so, yeah.

02:00:07.000 Kevin Federline's all fat now.

02:00:10.000 He's got a giant belly.

02:00:12.000 Just takes care of the kids.

02:00:15.000 He's got custody, too, which is not a good sign. 0.99

02:00:18.000 You know, when the ex has custody and it's a guy, that usually means you're a fuck-up. 0.99

02:00:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:23.000 Or you've got some issues mentally.

02:00:26.000 So it's like, I mean, that's what happens.

02:00:27.000 Or you don't like kids.

02:00:28.000 Yeah.

02:00:29.000 You're like, hey, bro, you can have them.

02:00:30.000 That's what happens.

02:00:30.000 And here's a Ferrari.

02:00:32.000 It happened to Whitney Houston. 1.00

02:00:33.000 It happened to Michael Jackson.

02:00:34.000 It happened to Prince.

02:00:35.000 It happened to Amy Winehouse. 1.00

02:00:36.000 Michael Jackson, those are not his kids.

02:00:37.000 Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

02:00:38.000 Yeah.

02:00:39.000 What do you mean?

02:00:39.000 Oh, you mean going crazy.

02:00:40.000 Yeah.

02:00:40.000 I'm sorry.

02:00:41.000 It's like you go down that route.

02:00:42.000 You start taking fentanyl.

02:00:43.000 Yeah.

02:00:44.000 Well, I don't think anybody's supposed to be famous. 0.98

02:00:46.000 And I think being famous is probably one of the weirder fucking things that could happen to a human being. 0.94

02:00:51.000 And I think that as it's happening to you, your reality distorts in a way that you don't have normal interactions anymore. 0.97

02:01:01.000 And so then your foundation of who you are as a person deteriorates.

02:01:05.000 Mm-hmm.

02:01:06.000 Now, if you grow up that way, it's even stranger because then your foundation never existed.

02:01:10.000 You never had a foundation.

02:01:12.000 You were always in this weird, strange world, and then oftentimes it goes away.

02:01:17.000 Remember when Gary Coleman was a security guard and people would show up at his job and mock him?

02:01:22.000 He was just trying to get enough money to eat.

02:01:25.000 Literally.

02:01:26.000 When you're working as a security guard, you're getting, what, $15 an hour if you're lucky?

02:01:30.000 You're just trying to eat.

02:01:31.000 That's all you're trying to do.

02:01:32.000 It's like that guy from Trader Joe's who was on the Cosby show.

02:01:35.000 Exactly.

02:01:36.000 What's wrong with a guy trying to make a living?

02:01:38.000 They're like, look how gross he is. 0.99

02:01:40.000 No, do you do that to everybody that's at the fucking Trader Joe's? 0.99

02:01:43.000 No, you say hi. 0.99

02:01:44.000 You say hi, they bag your groceries and it's fine.

02:01:46.000 But it's almost worse to have been someone and then not be someone.

02:01:50.000 No, it is worse in people's eyes.

02:01:53.000 But it's that same thing. 1.00

02:01:54.000 It's like when people look at you when you're on television and go, like, oh, fuck him. 1.00

02:02:00.000 You know, like what they were saying when people take shots at you. 1.00

02:02:03.000 Like, fuck him. 1.00

02:02:04.000 He's on TV. I'll fucking take shots at him. 1.00

02:02:06.000 But then when you're not anymore and then you have a regular job, then it's like they have an extra desire to shit on you. 1.00

02:02:13.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:02:13.000 Those same kind of people. 0.99

02:02:14.000 It's power.

02:02:15.000 Yes. 0.96

02:02:15.000 It's gross. 0.96

02:02:16.000 Now they're doing better than you. 0.97

02:02:17.000 Visceral power, yeah.

02:02:18.000 Yeah, they're doing better than you.

02:02:20.000 I got my own house. 1.00

02:02:21.000 Look at you, you fucking loser in your apartment. 1.00

02:02:22.000 I've got an ATM card. 1.00

02:02:24.000 I got everything. 0.99

02:02:25.000 You ain't got shit. 0.99

02:02:26.000 You used to be on TV, hmm? 1.00

02:02:27.000 That went away.

02:02:28.000 I bought a round of drinks. 0.99

02:02:30.000 I had a guy shit on me once. 0.99

02:02:31.000 He was working behind the counter at a CVS. And I couldn't figure out what he was trying to do. 0.99

02:02:39.000 But he's being rude to me.

02:02:40.000 The CVS. He goes, hey, you're that guy from that show.

02:02:45.000 I go, yep.

02:02:46.000 He goes, what happened to that show, huh?

02:02:48.000 Pfft.

02:02:48.000 I'm like, what, Fear Factor?

02:02:50.000 I go, what do you think happened?

02:02:52.000 He goes, I don't know.

02:02:52.000 You tell me.

02:02:53.000 What happened to that show?

02:02:54.000 He's like, mean to me.

02:02:55.000 I go, it got canceled.

02:02:57.000 He's like, yeah. 1.00

02:02:58.000 I'm like, bro, you work at fucking CVS. Yeah. 1.00

02:03:01.000 Relax.

02:03:02.000 What are you doing?

02:03:02.000 This is Fear Factor.

02:03:03.000 Yeah, and I didn't go after him. 0.94

02:03:05.000 I was like, this is so ridiculous.

02:03:06.000 I was like, he was lucky I was high. 0.98

02:03:09.000 I was like, this is so weird.

02:03:11.000 Because he was literally trying to insult me. 0.99

02:03:14.000 You know, not realizing that I had done things since, and I'm okay, but to him, I'm not on TV anymore, so I must be a fucking loser. 0.99

02:03:21.000 So he's trying to make me feel bad. 0.94

02:03:23.000 What happened to that show?

02:03:24.000 Hmm?

02:03:25.000 What happened?

02:03:26.000 What happened?

02:03:26.000 I wish I could tell you.

02:03:27.000 But it was weird.

02:03:28.000 I didn't do anything to you, man. 0.98

02:03:30.000 I just came here to buy gum or whatever the fuck I'm buying. 0.94

02:03:32.000 Yeah, can I have my mile-long receipt? 1.00

02:03:33.000 Shut up already. 0.99

02:03:34.000 Why are you being weird with me? 1.00

02:03:35.000 But he was just a dick. 1.00

02:03:37.000 A behind-the-counter dick. 1.00

02:03:39.000 Like, yeah, you used to be on TV, nothing anymore. 1.00

02:03:42.000 A B-T-C-D. Behind-the-counter dick. 0.96

02:03:45.000 Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. 0.99

02:03:46.000 Mm-hmm.

02:03:47.000 People are weird with people that are successful.

02:03:50.000 There's a thing where they don't look...

02:03:53.000 In general, people don't look to people that are doing well as inspiration.

02:03:58.000 They look at them with envy.

02:04:00.000 It's like a natural human instinct.

02:04:02.000 And it's that attack.

02:04:03.000 And that's where we're at now with like cancel culture and stuff.

02:04:05.000 It's like, oh, we want to see somebody stumble or fall.

02:04:09.000 Because if we do, we can drag them down.

02:04:12.000 And then we'll get, you know, and if we see that, and if we post it, then we'll get all the likes and the favorites and the retweets.

02:04:19.000 Look what I found.

02:04:20.000 Look what I did.

02:04:21.000 Look what I discovered.

02:04:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:04:22.000 Fuck him. 1.00

02:04:23.000 Yeah, fuck him. 1.00

02:04:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:04:25.000 But they don't realize, oh, that shit's going to come back around and get them. 1.00

02:04:29.000 It's going to come back and bite them in the ass. 1.00

02:04:31.000 Elk mate with a sign of jalapenos. 1.00

02:04:32.000 It feels bad.

02:04:34.000 It just feels bad, even when you're doing it.

02:04:36.000 You think you're going to... 0.97

02:04:37.000 Like, if you say mean shit to people that you don't even know, like, that can't feel good. 0.99

02:04:42.000 It seems like it would feel good. 0.99

02:04:44.000 But it does feel good.

02:04:46.000 It's going to come back around on you.

02:04:47.000 Yeah.

02:04:48.000 It's a weird way, you know, giving people the access to things like social media.

02:04:52.000 It's a weird way to communicate, and it's not natural.

02:04:54.000 And so many people use it and abuse it.

02:04:57.000 So many kids use it and abuse it.

02:04:58.000 Oh my god!

02:04:59.000 And that's what's terrifying.

02:05:01.000 All those people being mean to you on your Instagram, if you could find out what the median age and who these people are and what their life was like, you'd probably be like, oh, I don't even feel bad.

02:05:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:05:10.000 You're fucking 12. Yeah, where are your parents? 0.99

02:05:12.000 And, you know, where are your parents?

02:05:16.000 Yeah.

02:05:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:05:18.000 Do your parents even know you have an Instagram account, you little fuck? 1.00

02:05:20.000 I mean, I've had... 1.00

02:05:23.000 I've had instances where, you know, when we started the show on Snapchat, because Snapchat, I guess, used to be, like, for nudes.

02:05:31.000 Twelve-year-olds.

02:05:31.000 But, like, you see it one time, and then...

02:05:34.000 Oh, it would go away.

02:05:35.000 It would go away. 1.00

02:05:36.000 So you could be like, here's my dick, and you're like, oh, and then it goes away. 0.99

02:05:38.000 But it doesn't go away. 0.99

02:05:39.000 You just screenshot it.

02:05:41.000 Well, but there was some times where it was like, you know, I had to, like, call and be like, hey, um...

02:05:47.000 No.

02:05:48.000 No. 0.99

02:05:48.000 I had like a girl who had a dildo and was like using it on herself. 0.99

02:05:56.000 You had to call them and say, don't know what that happened? 0.97

02:05:58.000 No, I had to call whoever was in charge of the show.

02:06:02.000 I was like, hey, because Snapchat had just come out and I didn't know what the hell.

02:06:06.000 I'm like, I'm not the demographic of Snapchat, but I was just kind of like, I felt bad because I was like, clearly the girl didn't know.

02:06:12.000 I was like...

02:06:13.000 How did she not know?

02:06:14.000 Well, I don't know.

02:06:16.000 Maybe she did know.

02:06:17.000 That's how she drums up customers. 1.00

02:06:19.000 But it was just... 0.99

02:06:19.000 I mean, it was fucking disturbing. 0.99

02:06:23.000 Was it? 0.98

02:06:23.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

02:06:23.000 She's going hard in the paint. 0.98

02:06:25.000 Oh...

02:06:31.000 Yeah, but it was just like, where's your parents?

02:06:34.000 How old was she? 0.89

02:06:36.000 50?

02:06:37.000 Where's your parents?

02:06:38.000 They're dead. 1.00

02:06:39.000 Trying to kill myself with this beer bottle. 0.96

02:06:43.000 She was young.

02:06:44.000 Oh.

02:06:45.000 Yeah.

02:06:45.000 A lot of people are bad parents, bro.

02:06:47.000 They do a terrible job.

02:06:48.000 Do you ever think you'd adopt kids?

02:06:50.000 No.

02:06:51.000 Good for you.

02:06:52.000 Look at you.

02:06:52.000 I like how quick you answered.

02:06:53.000 God, no.

02:06:54.000 It's not my thing.

02:06:55.000 Not even a cat, right?

02:06:56.000 No.

02:06:57.000 I'd have a cat.

02:06:58.000 Maybe a cat.

02:06:59.000 No kids for me, though.

02:07:00.000 Because you could leave town for a weekend with a cat, just leave a lot of water and a lot of food.

02:07:03.000 It's got nine lives, yeah.

02:07:05.000 No, they don't.

02:07:06.000 They're just flexible.

02:07:08.000 They can store on that body fat, you know, get a big fake. 1.00

02:07:11.000 So, where are you doing this tour?

02:07:13.000 And where can people find out about it if they want to come see you?

02:07:15.000 Actually, I'm doing a tour with Jim Jeffries.

02:07:19.000 So, I'm doing his Oblivious tour.

02:07:21.000 So, you can check the dates.

02:07:23.000 I just did a thing.

02:07:25.000 Yeah, the Australia Fire Relief.

02:07:27.000 We actually just came back from Houston and New Orleans and he had to go do that show.

02:07:31.000 Oh, really?

02:07:31.000 It was one downtown.

02:07:32.000 It was like when Kobe died.

02:07:34.000 Yes, the day of.

02:07:36.000 We were really bummed about that.

02:07:38.000 It was really weird to do. 0.99

02:07:40.000 We actually took off in the plane and we all got our CNN notifications and we all just sat there like, oh shit. 0.99

02:07:46.000 Like, what? 0.99

02:07:47.000 Yeah.

02:07:47.000 It was pretty brutal.

02:07:48.000 I found out about it from Bert.

02:07:50.000 Bert, we have a group text going on.

02:07:53.000 Bert told me.

02:07:54.000 It was pretty gnarly. 0.99

02:07:56.000 And I just remember him being like, oh man, I gotta get the fuck downtown. 0.97

02:07:59.000 It's gonna be crazy. 0.91

02:08:00.000 And it's like, yeah.

02:08:01.000 It was.

02:08:01.000 It was crazy.

02:08:03.000 I'm doing that with him all year.

02:08:05.000 And then, yeah, I got this show coming out on E! in March.

02:08:09.000 It's called The Funny Dance Show now.

02:08:11.000 That's the dance-off thing.

02:08:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:08:13.000 Comics dancing off for $10,000 for a charity of their And I'm the judge.

02:08:18.000 Lonnie Love is a judge and Alison Holker, who is a dancer.

02:08:22.000 And they pick the song?

02:08:24.000 Do they have to practice?

02:08:25.000 Are they practicing?

02:08:26.000 They have to practice for like a week.

02:08:28.000 Oh, Christ.

02:08:28.000 And then, so we got like Ron Funches on it.

02:08:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:08:32.000 We got like Ron Funches.

02:08:33.000 Ron Funch is the most positive comedian available today.

02:08:38.000 Isn't it nauseating?

02:08:39.000 No, he's great.

02:08:40.000 I know.

02:08:41.000 He's like cultivating being nice and being positive.

02:08:45.000 I know.

02:08:45.000 And I really appreciate it.

02:08:46.000 I did his podcast that he does, and it just felt like the warmest hug afterwards.

02:08:51.000 I was like, oh, I needed this in my soul.

02:08:54.000 That's what he's like.

02:08:55.000 I know.

02:08:55.000 He's genuinely like that.

02:08:57.000 He's so nice.

02:08:57.000 He's such a nice guy.

02:08:58.000 Yeah, we've got...

02:09:00.000 Cultivates it.

02:09:01.000 Yeah.

02:09:01.000 We have Fortune, Brad Williams.

02:09:03.000 Ah, I love Fortune.

02:09:03.000 I mean, it's a cool, like...

02:09:05.000 I love Brad Williams, too, but I mean, I just had to say I love Fortune.

02:09:08.000 Yeah, she's great.

02:09:09.000 I don't want to leave Brad out.

02:09:10.000 Wow.

02:09:12.000 I love Brad.

02:09:13.000 I mean, it's going to be really, really fun.

02:09:15.000 Nice.

02:09:15.000 And then, yeah, I mean, you can find me on Instagram, at Justin Martindale.

02:09:19.000 Beautiful.

02:09:20.000 Easy. 1.00

02:09:20.000 All right, bitch. 1.00

02:09:21.000 Don't find me on Twitter, because I'll block you. 1.00

02:09:22.000 Let's wrap this motherfucker up. 0.99

02:09:23.000 Yeah, let's do it. 0.99

02:09:23.000 Are you blocking people as well? 0.99

02:09:24.000 No, I need to start, though.

02:09:26.000 Should be?

02:09:27.000 Yeah.

02:09:27.000 Why don't I just mute them?

02:09:28.000 I know.

02:09:29.000 Why don't I just talk into the void?

02:09:31.000 That is fun.

02:09:34.000 Just scream. 0.98

02:09:35.000 Scream into the vortex! 0.99

02:09:38.000 Why are you ignoring me? 1.00

02:09:41.000 I'll see you in hell! 1.00

02:09:43.000 The best thing to say to someone. 1.00

02:09:45.000 Alright, buddy.

02:09:46.000 Thank you, man.

02:09:47.000 Thank you, my brother.

02:09:47.000 Pleasure as always.

02:09:48.000 Are you at the store this week?

02:09:49.000 No, I'll be in Vegas.

02:09:51.000 Are you going to gamble your life away?

02:09:53.000 Probably.

02:09:55.000 JustinMartindale.com JustinMartindale on Twitter, Instagram.

02:09:59.000 JustinMartindale on Twitter.

02:10:01.000 JustinMartindale on Instagram.

02:10:03.000 Thanks, buddy.

02:10:04.000 That was fun.

02:10:05.000 You got it.

02:10:05.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 12, 2020

Joe Rogan Experience #1426 - Justin Martindale

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript