The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1587 - Mark Normand

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day.

00:00:07.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

00:00:08.000 All day.

00:00:15.000 Hey, hey.

00:00:16.000 Good to be here.

00:00:17.000 Look at you in Texas.

00:00:18.000 I know.

00:00:18.000 I feel good.

00:00:19.000 I got tested.

00:00:19.000 I feel great.

00:00:20.000 Yes, you're clean.

00:00:21.000 You're clean of cooties. 1.00

00:00:22.000 I've got to be honest.

00:00:23.000 I'm shocked.

00:00:23.000 I thought I've been super spreading for weeks.

00:00:26.000 I just felt like that in my body.

00:00:28.000 Like, ah, I must be hurting people.

00:00:29.000 Well, there's a wave going through New York right now.

00:00:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:00:32.000 A lot of comics got it.

00:00:33.000 Everybody's got it.

00:00:34.000 I don't want to say names. 0.99

00:00:35.000 I don't know what's out, but holy shit. 0.98

00:00:37.000 I don't know what's out either. 0.98

00:00:38.000 And it got all the funny ones, too.

00:00:39.000 It wasn't like the hacks didn't die.

00:00:41.000 It's just like real comics.

00:00:42.000 They get Patrice, they get Mitch Hedberg, they get Geraldo.

00:00:45.000 Same with Corona.

00:00:47.000 Well, you know, those are the ones that are hanging out.

00:00:50.000 Yeah, good point.

00:00:51.000 Funny people hang out with funny people.

00:00:53.000 Yeah.

00:00:54.000 When a comic stops hanging out with comics, it never turns out well.

00:00:58.000 Yeah.

00:00:58.000 When they kind of alienate themselves from other comics.

00:01:01.000 You've noticed, right?

00:01:02.000 Good point.

00:01:02.000 They get weird.

00:01:03.000 And we don't care about scandals or anything.

00:01:05.000 If you're funny, we'll still hang out with you.

00:01:06.000 We don't care at all.

00:01:08.000 No one cares at all.

00:01:09.000 Louis was back like that.

00:01:11.000 Right, right.

00:01:11.000 I see Brian Callen, I give him a hug.

00:01:13.000 There you go.

00:01:15.000 When you're in that weird little group, I think comics want to think that they're independent in some sort of way, that they don't need other comics.

00:01:25.000 And you could survive without other comics, but those are like army issue MREs.

00:01:30.000 Yeah.

00:01:30.000 You can kind of get by eating them.

00:01:32.000 Right.

00:01:33.000 But you're not, are you really living?

00:01:34.000 Ah, that's good.

00:01:36.000 You can survive on dehydrated food.

00:01:40.000 Right.

00:01:40.000 You can live, but are you going to enjoy it?

00:01:42.000 Well, the pandemic's a bitch because you can't do stand-up, but when you get that moment when you're hanging out with the other guys again, you're like, oh, this is what I've been missing. 0.95

00:01:49.000 I've been going crazy. 0.98

00:01:50.000 I felt like a weirdo in my apartment.

00:01:52.000 Well, I've been doing these shows in town with Chappelle, and I did one of them with him like three weeks ago.

00:01:59.000 Well, I did one with Tony Hinchcliffe at the Vulcan Gas Company like four weeks ago.

00:02:04.000 And Ron White was the funniest ever.

00:02:07.000 Because before, he's like, I'm basically retired. 0.97

00:02:09.000 I'm just going to fucking retire. 0.99

00:02:10.000 Take all my tequila money and just fucking chill out. 0.99

00:02:13.000 I'm going to sell my plane. 1.00

00:02:14.000 He's talking all this shit. 1.00

00:02:15.000 And then he gets off stage. 0.99

00:02:16.000 He did one set that he hadn't done stand-up in eight months.

00:02:20.000 Wow.

00:02:20.000 The moment he gets off stage, he grabs me by my shoulders.

00:02:23.000 He goes, we're fucking doing this, okay? 0.98

00:02:25.000 We're back. 1.00

00:02:26.000 He goes, I don't give a fuck what we have to do. 0.99

00:02:28.000 This must continue. 0.99

00:02:30.000 He was like, at 10. He was at a 10. It's in you.

00:02:34.000 It's like when you quit drinking and you're like, fuck it, tonight we're drinking. 1.00

00:02:36.000 It's the same feeling. 1.00

00:02:37.000 You just start chugging again.

00:02:38.000 You're like, ah, you rip your shirt off, you look like Kreischer. 1.00

00:02:41.000 Have you ever quit drinking?

00:02:43.000 I tried for like a week.

00:02:44.000 I like it, and I feel like I'm good at it now.

00:02:47.000 I'm in my late 30s.

00:02:49.000 I've drank since I was 13. I got it down.

00:02:52.000 I mean, I'm from New Orleans.

00:02:53.000 You get after it out there.

00:02:55.000 Yeah, it's a different world up there.

00:02:56.000 It's part of the culture.

00:02:57.000 But yeah, no, you're right.

00:02:58.000 The comedy, you need it once you get back into it.

00:03:00.000 Because I think we're inherently lazy, most comics.

00:03:03.000 We want to put our feet up.

00:03:04.000 Well, not you.

00:03:04.000 You're doing 17 jiu-jitsu's and making coffee and stuff.

00:03:09.000 But like...

00:03:10.000 I feel like we're inherently lazy, but you get us back in that limelight and it all percolates.

00:03:16.000 Yeah, in terms of wanting to do it.

00:03:18.000 Yeah.

00:03:19.000 Well, the juice is worth the squeeze.

00:03:23.000 The juice is worth the squeeze.

00:03:25.000 If you can get back into stand-up shape...

00:03:30.000 The juice of killing in front of a crowd is so worth the effort it's going to take to get your act back in order and write.

00:03:36.000 Right.

00:03:36.000 And prepare.

00:03:38.000 I had to prepare.

00:03:39.000 When you get a good rhythm going, you don't even really have to look at your notes before a show.

00:03:44.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:03:45.000 If you've been doing four nights in a row, you're ready to go.

00:03:47.000 Yeah.

00:03:47.000 You're ready to go.

00:03:48.000 You might, just to be a pro, probably go over it real quick.

00:03:51.000 Yeah.

00:03:51.000 But man, when you haven't done stand-up in six months, it's a different feeling.

00:03:55.000 Like, you're going over all the lines. 0.99

00:03:56.000 I found shit before Wednesday night's show. 0.99

00:04:00.000 I totally forgot. 1.00

00:04:01.000 Yeah.

00:04:01.000 I'm like, oh, that makes that better.

00:04:03.000 Oh, yeah, I forgot this whole thing.

00:04:04.000 Right.

00:04:04.000 And you ever have that thing where you listen, because I was so nervous going back, that I would listen to old sets.

00:04:09.000 I was like, I was pretty good.

00:04:10.000 This is not bad.

00:04:11.000 This is good stuff, because you were so in the zone.

00:04:14.000 Yeah.

00:04:14.000 You were cooking.

00:04:15.000 Yeah.

00:04:15.000 I watched my 2016 Netflix special the other day.

00:04:19.000 I was laughing.

00:04:19.000 There you go!

00:04:20.000 Because I forgot.

00:04:20.000 I forgot all sorts of it.

00:04:22.000 Yeah.

00:04:23.000 I literally don't even remember those bits because I purposely try to just move on.

00:04:29.000 Sure, sure.

00:04:30.000 And abandon them.

00:04:30.000 Which is so funny because you put hours and hours and so much.

00:04:33.000 I'd be in the shower thinking about my act.

00:04:35.000 Like, ah, that could be better.

00:04:36.000 That needs a better tag.

00:04:37.000 That's not hitting like I want.

00:04:38.000 And then you move on to a new hour and that's just all gone.

00:04:41.000 Gone.

00:04:41.000 Gone forever.

00:04:42.000 Crazy. 0.91

00:04:43.000 Gone. 0.85

00:04:44.000 And real quick, too.

00:04:45.000 For me, it's like a couple months afterwards.

00:04:47.000 I can't remember how they go anymore.

00:04:48.000 I'm the same way.

00:04:49.000 Yeah.

00:04:50.000 But you know when you get on stage and that rhythm kind of comes back?

00:04:53.000 You're like, oh, I'm in the rhythm again.

00:04:54.000 Yeah.

00:04:54.000 And then you're off and running.

00:04:55.000 Well, it's weird.

00:04:57.000 I felt the rhythm the first night I came back, but then I didn't feel it that good the second night.

00:05:02.000 The second night, I was a little nervous at first, and I had to get into it.

00:05:05.000 Yeah.

00:05:06.000 And both shows went well, but my feeling was different.

00:05:10.000 Yeah.

00:05:10.000 Like, the laughs were there, but you know that feeling where you're just greased?

00:05:14.000 Yes, yes, the lube.

00:05:16.000 Yeah, I didn't feel greased.

00:05:18.000 I get it.

00:05:18.000 It was working great, but I was like, okay, and then this one, and then I did that one.

00:05:23.000 Right, joke to joke. 0.96

00:05:24.000 Yeah, all like fucking sticking it together and assembling it on the fly. 0.99

00:05:29.000 And you can't be loose and funny if you're assembling in your head the whole time. 0.99

00:05:33.000 When you're greased, you're loose, and you're really you.

00:05:36.000 The Chappelle shows we're doing, he's got this sort of hangout system.

00:05:41.000 He's got it down.

00:05:42.000 Everybody's COVID tested, plays great music in the green room, and people are just hanging out drinking and laughing.

00:05:49.000 So you're having fun.

00:05:51.000 Right.

00:05:51.000 And it's like, for him, he thought this through.

00:05:56.000 He's like, I would be, before a show, reading a book, and then go on stage and be funny.

00:06:00.000 He's like, this doesn't feel good.

00:06:02.000 This isn't how to do it.

00:06:03.000 No. 0.97

00:06:04.000 So now, we're in the back, and he's cracking jokes, we're laughing, we're talking shit, we're having fun, having a couple of drinks, and then, boom, he goes on stage, loose as a goose, already having fun. 0.98

00:06:17.000 It's really wise. 0.97

00:06:19.000 It's a wise way to approach it.

00:06:20.000 It is, because social, you need that social lube.

00:06:22.000 Like, you ever fly to Arkansas, you get off the plane, you get into a car, you go right on stage, and you're like, ah, you guys are the first people I've spoken to in 17 hours.

00:06:31.000 Exactly.

00:06:32.000 And you gotta, like, kick in.

00:06:33.000 It's good to be loose and social and fun with people.

00:06:35.000 Yeah, that's why, well for me I used to always bring opening acts on the road.

00:06:40.000 Oh, there you go.

00:06:41.000 For two reasons.

00:06:42.000 One, you want to hang with a guy, you want a buddy to come with you on the road.

00:06:45.000 But two, you know the person's going to be funny.

00:06:47.000 Yeah.

00:06:48.000 Because the worst is when you have to sit there through 20 minutes of someone's terrible act and you're like, oh no.

00:06:53.000 And you feel bad for the audience.

00:06:55.000 Bro, that's the worst.

00:06:56.000 And then I used to feel bad, like comedy doesn't work.

00:06:59.000 Like comedy's not real.

00:07:00.000 Right, right.

00:07:01.000 These people hate it.

00:07:02.000 They'll never come see a show again.

00:07:03.000 This is not comedy.

00:07:04.000 What is comedy?

00:07:05.000 Comedy can't be real.

00:07:06.000 This guy's talking.

00:07:07.000 Nothing can be funny.

00:07:08.000 Well, comedy is pretty flimsy when you really break it down.

00:07:10.000 Yeah.

00:07:11.000 You know, it's like one little air conditioner, the blender's going, it's all over.

00:07:15.000 Yeah.

00:07:15.000 The waitress comes, it's all over.

00:07:16.000 So you're like, damn, it's like a boner when you're 48. You know, it's harder to hold. 0.99

00:07:20.000 Yeah.

00:07:21.000 A stumble of words.

00:07:23.000 Yes, that's it!

00:07:24.000 It slips through your fingers.

00:07:24.000 It's over!

00:07:25.000 It's gone.

00:07:26.000 Seinfeld said it was like when a car train goes by, like a train goes by, and one of the cars is missing, and you have to jump it with a motorcycle.

00:07:32.000 That one missing car.

00:07:34.000 But if you do too late, you'll hit the train.

00:07:37.000 It's such a good analogy. 0.87

00:07:38.000 Yeah, it's a slippery little rascal.

00:07:41.000 Hard to hold on to.

00:07:42.000 It is weird, though, going back to dropping your whole act, because speaking of Seinfeld and 80s guys, they did their act for 700 years, you know?

00:07:50.000 But, like, we just drop it, and we work so hard on it.

00:07:53.000 Is that a little sociopathic?

00:07:55.000 It almost feels like those people who take in dogs, and then they fall in love with it, and they're like, okay, I fostered a dog, now it's good to go with a family.

00:08:02.000 No, no, no, no.

00:08:03.000 Because it's recorded.

00:08:03.000 Yeah.

00:08:04.000 It's gone.

00:08:05.000 That's true.

00:08:05.000 It's done.

00:08:05.000 It's out there forever.

00:08:06.000 I guess it is recorded.

00:08:07.000 I just watched it.

00:08:09.000 Yeah, you got a point.

00:08:09.000 It's not gone forever.

00:08:11.000 No, it's not gone.

00:08:11.000 But it has to be gone for you to concentrate on what you're doing now because we only have a certain amount of room for material in our head.

00:08:19.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:08:21.000 When you got an hour and you know how that feeling of the beginning and the middle and you're moving stuff around trying to find out what's the best way to end it.

00:08:29.000 When you have it down, it requires all of your attention.

00:08:32.000 Definitely.

00:08:33.000 Definitely. 0.98

00:08:33.000 You can't really be fucking around with some other subjects and other old shit and other things that you're thinking about bringing back or something. 0.98

00:08:40.000 You don't have time for that. 0.99

00:08:41.000 Right, right.

00:08:42.000 Yeah, but don't you have friends from high school who were like, this!

00:08:46.000 And I've never talked to them since.

00:08:48.000 I don't even think about them.

00:08:49.000 They don't think about me.

00:08:50.000 They have families.

00:08:51.000 And I feel like that's kind of like my act.

00:08:53.000 Yeah.

00:08:54.000 Do you get that?

00:08:55.000 Do you have people from your past that you don't talk to?

00:08:58.000 Yes, but I do have people from my past that I do talk to.

00:09:01.000 I have a few friends that I pretty regularly discuss life with that I've been friends with since I was in my early 20s.

00:09:09.000 And you still get along?

00:09:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:11.000 My friend Tommy Jr. Shout out to Tommy Jr. in Connecticut.

00:09:14.000 We've been buddies since I was 24, I think.

00:09:17.000 Wow, that's pretty good.

00:09:18.000 Crazy. 0.71

00:09:19.000 And you just pick right up. 0.96

00:09:20.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:09:21.000 Well, I would see him every time I would go to New York.

00:09:23.000 We'd play pool together.

00:09:24.000 He'd come to the UFC. He's come to comedy shows.

00:09:26.000 He's come to visit me in California.

00:09:29.000 It was very convenient when I was traveling every year to the UFC, or every year to New York City, rather.

00:09:35.000 Yeah.

00:09:35.000 Because the UFC was doing a gig in New York City every year, and then before that, at least once a year, I'd come there to do stand-up anywhere.

00:09:43.000 I'd do Gotham or, you know, Carolines or what have you.

00:09:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:46.000 I'd always see them.

00:09:47.000 That's nice.

00:09:49.000 I kind of wish I had that with, like, a wife.

00:09:51.000 That's why I'm so scared of marriage.

00:09:53.000 Because you change so much from just high school to now, or college to now, and then you get married, and then you change again, maybe, when you're 62?

00:10:01.000 Yeah.

00:10:02.000 And then you're stuck with this plus-size lady, and you don't know what the hell to do and how to get out, and then you can't meet anybody new because you're 62. That's the problem with the contract of marriage, right? 0.99

00:10:12.000 That's the problem is that it is a legal contract.

00:10:15.000 It feels very antiquated.

00:10:17.000 It is in a lot of ways.

00:10:19.000 It's very good for ensuring that there's a bond that's not just your word.

00:10:27.000 Yeah.

00:10:28.000 You know, it's legal.

00:10:29.000 So if you do try to leave, the woman at least has some sort of financial recourse. 1.00

00:10:34.000 In some case, the men.

00:10:35.000 Every now and then, one of us, we put one on the board.

00:10:38.000 Right.

00:10:39.000 Tom Arnold is our all-star.

00:10:41.000 Right?

00:10:42.000 In terms of men that have made money from divorces, he's the GOAT. Yeah, I think it's like when a black cop shoots a white guy. 0.99

00:10:49.000 I'm sure it's the same shit with the black community. 1.00

00:10:51.000 Or like when OJ won. 1.00

00:10:52.000 I lived in a black neighborhood, and I could hear the yelling, and people were going nuts.

00:10:56.000 Yeah. 0.88

00:10:57.000 Every now and then a guy wins.

00:10:59.000 Who else do we know of that has made money off of like a high profile divorce where the woman had all the money?

00:11:05.000 There's a new one that just came out with an actress that just divorced a guy and he was a nobody and he's cleaning up but I can't think of who it is.

00:11:13.000 Give that a goog, J-Mo. 1.00

00:11:14.000 I don't know how you would look that up, but...

00:11:16.000 Yeah, how do you look that up?

00:11:17.000 Guy killing it with hot actress wife. 0.98

00:11:20.000 Yeah, I don't know, but... 0.96

00:11:21.000 There it is?

00:11:22.000 Oh, Kevin Federline, yes.

00:11:24.000 Oh, there you go.

00:11:24.000 You know what the thing is, though?

00:11:25.000 Kevin got fat. 1.00

00:11:27.000 Like, he decided, fuck it, I'm gonna get fat. 1.00

00:11:29.000 He was hot. 1.00

00:11:30.000 He was a hunk.

00:11:31.000 Handsome.

00:11:32.000 Hunk of burning love.

00:11:33.000 He had a six-pack and looked great. 0.99

00:11:35.000 Yeah, hot wigger. 1.00

00:11:36.000 What is that what he looks like now? 0.96

00:11:39.000 I don't know.

00:11:39.000 Now he's very big.

00:11:41.000 Oh, there he is, the bottom right.

00:11:42.000 Yeah, he's a chubster. 1.00

00:11:44.000 Yeah, he got very big.

00:11:44.000 That's not so bad, though.

00:11:46.000 Not too bad.

00:11:47.000 Got a little gut there.

00:11:48.000 Oh, he had a heart attack scare.

00:11:50.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:11:50.000 That's Kreischer never.

00:11:51.000 Oh, my God.

00:11:52.000 He was that big?

00:11:53.000 Look at the clothing.

00:11:54.000 Bro, he got big.

00:11:55.000 That's pretty big.

00:11:56.000 But also, you know, he's taking care of the kids under a lot of stress.

00:11:59.000 True.

00:12:00.000 It's funny how all that stuff rolls out the window when the tables flip.

00:12:05.000 It's like, hey, women need their money. 1.00

00:12:07.000 Then when the guy's like, I need my money, it's like, oh, what are you doing?

00:12:09.000 You're like, well, that's what you've been doing.

00:12:12.000 It's like, how come when it flips, now you're mad? 1.00

00:12:15.000 Ah, I'm a cunt. 1.00

00:12:18.000 You see what I'm saying, but we don't have to get into it. 1.00

00:12:21.000 This is great coffee.

00:12:22.000 Do you think that, I mean...

00:12:25.000 It's just the non-traditional roles, right? 0.99

00:12:28.000 And when a woman is killing it, and she's making that money, there's an understanding that more women have been fucked over by men. 1.00

00:12:37.000 Ah, okay. 1.00

00:12:37.000 Well, that's probably true. 1.00

00:12:39.000 It is.

00:12:39.000 It has to be.

00:12:40.000 The beatings and the...

00:12:41.000 Because it seems natural.

00:12:42.000 Right, right.

00:12:43.000 Like, when you think about it, like, the woman gets the money, like, yep. 1.00

00:12:46.000 Yeah.

00:12:47.000 Seems natural.

00:12:47.000 But if you think about the man gets the money, you're like, what?

00:12:50.000 Why does he want the money?

00:12:51.000 It doesn't feel right.

00:12:52.000 Right.

00:12:53.000 It feels wrong.

00:12:53.000 Which is so cool about comedy, because those things are imprinted in people.

00:12:56.000 So when you make a joke the wrong way, you make a fat guy joke, ha ha.

00:13:00.000 Make a fat lady joke, no no. 1.00

00:13:02.000 Right. 0.90

00:13:02.000 And the audience will tell you that. 0.90

00:13:04.000 And so all the PC, all the tweets, all the bullshit, you can tell me this shit all day, but I got a focus group right here. 0.99

00:13:10.000 Dude, I saved a body positivity meme that someone tried to get out there for men with guts. 0.99

00:13:18.000 Oh, yeah. 0.94

00:13:19.000 It was like a fat men. 0.96

00:13:21.000 Your body's beautiful. 0.94

00:13:23.000 Right. 1.00

00:13:23.000 Like, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:13:24.000 They were trying it. 0.95

00:13:25.000 But you know, this is not going to work.

00:13:27.000 It's not going to work.

00:13:28.000 This is not going to work.

00:13:28.000 Yeah.

00:13:29.000 It only works on females. 0.99

00:13:30.000 It's true, it's true.

00:13:31.000 Big is beautiful.

00:13:32.000 It's never about Chris Christie. 0.99

00:13:34.000 You know, it's about Lena Dunham or whoever the fuck. 0.98

00:13:37.000 Exactly, exactly. 0.98

00:13:38.000 Well, there's, you know, and the feeling that they're getting from this is a supportive feeling from other females. 1.00

00:13:45.000 Men would never support you for being a fat fuck. 1.00

00:13:48.000 Never. 1.00

00:13:49.000 Never.

00:13:50.000 They're never like, yeah, bro, who cares, man? 0.99

00:13:52.000 You look awesome with your fat gut. 0.96

00:13:55.000 Like, never. 0.80

00:13:56.000 Which is actually healthier.

00:13:57.000 I mean, it's a little meaner out of the gate, but...

00:14:00.000 At least we're being honest.

00:14:01.000 We're keeping it real.

00:14:03.000 Yeah, or we're not letting them get away with something.

00:14:06.000 Yeah, there you go.

00:14:07.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:14:08.000 Your friends, if they love you, they're not going to let you get away with that. 1.00

00:14:10.000 They're like, bro, you are fat as fuck. 1.00

00:14:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:14:13.000 And you're like, no, really? 1.00

00:14:14.000 Like, look at you.

00:14:16.000 Yeah.

00:14:16.000 And that's a friendly thing.

00:14:17.000 Yes.

00:14:18.000 You know, like, if I had a fat son and corona was hitting, I would be like, hey, man, like, I don't care what you look like. 0.62

00:14:24.000 You can do your thing and eat all the chocolate you want, but I'm worried you'll get... 1.00

00:14:28.000 Hit with the COVID more because you're fat. 0.98

00:14:30.000 And you will. 0.98

00:14:31.000 Statistically.

00:14:32.000 And then people are like, hey, you can't talk to him like that.

00:14:34.000 I'm like, I'm worried about my son. 1.00

00:14:35.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:14:36.000 He could die. 1.00

00:14:37.000 If it's a woman, you'd be body shaming. 1.00

00:14:40.000 But when they try to say it's body shaming on a man, it doesn't really stick.

00:14:45.000 Right, it doesn't.

00:14:46.000 It doesn't stick.

00:14:47.000 It doesn't stick.

00:14:48.000 Yeah.

00:14:48.000 What's going on here?

00:14:49.000 Kelly Clarkson's ex.

00:14:50.000 That was the one.

00:14:51.000 That was the one.

00:14:52.000 Brandon Blackstock seeking six-figure monthly payments.

00:14:55.000 Pa-pow! 0.97

00:14:56.000 Wow.

00:14:56.000 Six figures.

00:14:57.000 How long were they married?

00:15:00.000 He wants $5.2 million a year! 1.00

00:15:02.000 Damn! 0.99

00:15:02.000 A year! 0.99

00:15:03.000 A year!

00:15:04.000 He also requested Clarkson cover $2 million in attorney's fees.

00:15:09.000 Oh my god!

00:15:11.000 Wow!

00:15:12.000 Oh my god!

00:15:13.000 That's insane! 0.81

00:15:15.000 This guy's killing it! 0.88

00:15:15.000 That's insane! 0.88

00:15:16.000 Black stuck! 1.00

00:15:17.000 But here's the thing.

00:15:19.000 There's a great difference.

00:15:21.000 Seven year marriage.

00:15:22.000 That's great.

00:15:24.000 But here's the...

00:15:25.000 Is he taking care of the children?

00:15:27.000 Aha! 0.94

00:15:28.000 Do they have children together?

00:15:29.000 That is the question.

00:15:30.000 135 of the 436 was for child support.

00:15:33.000 He needs child support money from her.

00:15:35.000 On top of the 301 and...

00:15:37.000 She's probably on the road a lot, you know?

00:15:39.000 She's a singer. 1.00

00:15:39.000 Was he like the manager or some shit? 1.00

00:15:41.000 Was it one of those deals? 0.99

00:15:42.000 Uh...

00:15:43.000 Because those deals get real tricky.

00:15:45.000 When the man becomes the manager and it's very difficult for the woman to get away from the manager. 1.00

00:15:50.000 That's like in boyfriend-girlfriend deals where the girlfriend's a singer or in husband-wife.

00:15:55.000 Yeah, or the dad.

00:15:57.000 Google says he is an American talent manager.

00:15:59.000 Oh! 0.60

00:16:01.000 There you go.

00:16:02.000 You called it, Betty. 1.00

00:16:02.000 If there was any question that some of those motherfuckers or Weasley, those numbers, show you. 1.00

00:16:09.000 Yeah, definitely. 0.99

00:16:10.000 Just to request that...

00:16:12.000 Oh my god, you want how much?

00:16:15.000 I know.

00:16:16.000 All that management. 0.99

00:16:17.000 Joe Jackson was a psycho, and I think Jessica Simpson's dad was a real weirdo. 0.94

00:16:21.000 He never obtained a license to legally operate as a talent agent, according to... 0.99

00:16:25.000 Of course not. 0.99

00:16:26.000 He was fucking the client. 1.00

00:16:27.000 He didn't have to. 1.00

00:16:28.000 Yeah, there you go.

00:16:29.000 Right?

00:16:30.000 That's awkward.

00:16:31.000 You're married to the client.

00:16:32.000 You don't need a license.

00:16:33.000 She was with his company for 13 years, though. 1.00

00:16:35.000 Damn! 1.00

00:16:36.000 Damn! 1.00

00:16:37.000 That's pretty binding. 0.99

00:16:39.000 Unlucky number.

00:16:40.000 Well, then there's the question, right?

00:16:43.000 Like, when a management company and talent are together, how much of the talent's success is due to the management, and how much of the talent's success is due just to the person being talented?

00:16:57.000 Mm-hmm.

00:16:58.000 Is it quantifiable?

00:17:00.000 This is where I can speak, because I have the same manager that I had when I was an open mic comedian.

00:17:06.000 Wow, that's rare.

00:17:07.000 Oh yeah, dude.

00:17:09.000 I met Sussman, and I think I was 24. I was like 23 or 24. And I was terrible.

00:17:18.000 I was an open-miker.

00:17:19.000 I was driving a limo.

00:17:21.000 But I had a few good jokes. 0.93

00:17:24.000 I could kill, like, occasionally.

00:17:25.000 I could catch a good wave when I was loose.

00:17:29.000 And just randomly, he was in Boston looking for comedians.

00:17:33.000 And he had set up a bunch of meetings to see all these different headliners, local headliners on stage.

00:17:39.000 And I didn't know he was there.

00:17:41.000 I didn't know anything was going on.

00:17:44.000 I was driving limos and I called the owner up and I asked him.

00:17:47.000 I said, I had a funny idea.

00:17:49.000 Could I do five minutes tonight?

00:17:51.000 Because he was already giving me some spots and I was emceeing some shows.

00:17:54.000 I go, I got this bit.

00:17:54.000 I think it's going to work.

00:17:56.000 I think I got something.

00:17:57.000 And I went up and I opened with it.

00:17:58.000 I remember it did get a laugh.

00:17:59.000 What?

00:18:00.000 I wish I could remember the bit, but it was a bit that actually worked.

00:18:04.000 I was like, yes!

00:18:05.000 Yes!

00:18:05.000 It's real!

00:18:06.000 And then I was real loose, and then I went into some of my old stuff, and I got off stage and this guy handed me a business card, like a fucking movie. 0.99

00:18:13.000 Wow! 0.99

00:18:14.000 The 80s, man.

00:18:16.000 It was like, he goes, I'm a manager, and I'd love to talk to you and see you do more sets.

00:18:22.000 Yeah.

00:18:22.000 And I did one next door, across the street, like, the next night, and then I went to New York, like, maybe two weeks later, and did a bunch of sets for him in New York.

00:18:31.000 Jeez.

00:18:32.000 Catch a Rising Star, and then next thing I was living in New York. 1.00

00:18:34.000 Wow, did you fuck him? 1.00

00:18:36.000 No. 1.00

00:18:36.000 Still, to this day, never fucked him. 1.00

00:18:38.000 But that's unheard of. 0.91

00:18:40.000 So with that kind of a situation, that guy and Chandra, my other manager, they're responsible for a giant part of my success.

00:18:51.000 Because I know them so well, and I've been with them so much, and I trust them, and I love them, and we have a friendship as well as a working relationship.

00:19:01.000 So in that case, yeah.

00:19:05.000 Some people don't like giving the money to their managers. 0.98

00:19:08.000 Yeah, it sucks. 0.93

00:19:09.000 It kind of bugs them. 0.99

00:19:09.000 I hate it. 0.99

00:19:10.000 Give this fucking guy a piece. 1.00

00:19:11.000 Especially when they don't get it for you. 1.00

00:19:13.000 Yeah.

00:19:13.000 If they get it, here, have at it.

00:19:15.000 But I don't have that feeling at all.

00:19:17.000 For me, it's like that's the only way it works.

00:19:20.000 And they supported you in all the tough times?

00:19:24.000 All the wackiness.

00:19:24.000 Oh, that's great.

00:19:24.000 All the wackiness.

00:19:25.000 And they... 0.99

00:19:27.000 I mean, none of them thought the fucking podcast was ever going to be anything. 0.98

00:19:30.000 No one did. 0.97

00:19:32.000 Podcasting 10 years ago was a joke.

00:19:34.000 My neighbors go, what are you crazy?

00:19:35.000 There's no money in that. 0.94

00:19:36.000 Go do Fallon.

00:19:38.000 I'm like, that's $1,100 and nobody watches it.

00:19:40.000 I'd rather do this and build something. 0.98

00:19:42.000 Well, if you have money already, like from other stuff and other sources, you recognize that there's a fun and a freedom to internet shit. 0.97

00:19:50.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:19:50.000 Where you could just kind of like, but no one was watching. 0.96

00:19:53.000 Right.

00:19:53.000 So when we were doing it, like if you go watch the early ones, there's very little thought process to like how entertaining it is.

00:20:01.000 Well, you got to start somewhere.

00:20:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:03.000 We're just fucking around. 0.99

00:20:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:05.000 Like for our own fun. 0.99

00:20:07.000 Right.

00:20:07.000 And some of it's going to be enjoyable and some of it's not, you know.

00:20:11.000 But it's funny because the guys you had on then, I re-listened to some really old ones.

00:20:14.000 I was on a road trip and I was like, let's throw this on Rogan number 18 or whatever.

00:20:20.000 And it's guys who are kind of big now but weren't then.

00:20:23.000 And it's fun to hear them.

00:20:24.000 They're way more loosey-goosey in the early days because you had nothing.

00:20:28.000 You were just more yourself and you weren't a business yet.

00:20:32.000 Everybody's worried about the blowback from just being a comic.

00:20:35.000 I know.

00:20:36.000 They're worried about, you know, the negative response from saying the wrong thing, joking about the wrong thing.

00:20:43.000 Yep.

00:20:44.000 I just joke about all the wrong things just because I want to have too many things to find.

00:20:48.000 If we don't keep joking about the wrong things, then the idea of joking about the wrong things will go away.

00:20:54.000 I agree.

00:20:55.000 If you see... 1.00

00:20:57.000 Quentin Tarantino has a movie where a woman gets her fucking brains bashed into a fireplace mantelpiece, right? 1.00

00:21:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:04.000 Do you get mad at that, or do you think that's part of the film? 0.99

00:21:07.000 Do you think that this is endorsing violence?

00:21:10.000 No, you think it's a kind of weird art where this craziness is happening.

00:21:14.000 But for whatever reason, because a stand-up is on stage by themselves and they wrote this by themselves, they're not given that same sort of leeway. 0.73

00:21:20.000 You can't just fuck around about something and say something you don't really mean, but it's outrageous and you're not supposed to say it.

00:21:27.000 That's the reason why it's funny, is because you're saying something you're not supposed to say. 0.98

00:21:31.000 I agree, because also there's layers to a movie.

00:21:34.000 With a comic, you can just yell at you.

00:21:36.000 I can just yell at Mark Norman.

00:21:38.000 He said this.

00:21:39.000 I have a clip of him. 1.00

00:21:40.000 Look at this piece of shit saying this about special needs Downsy kids or whatever. 0.99

00:21:44.000 But then with Tarantino, it's a director, it's a filmmaker, there's actors involved, and he was a writer, so there's so many different tackles. 0.99

00:21:53.000 Even rap music.

00:21:54.000 Yeah!

00:21:54.000 Rap music, there's a lot of rap music that's talking about violence and shooting people and robbing people and we sing along.

00:22:03.000 Yeah.

00:22:03.000 We sing along to the worst day of someone's life.

00:22:06.000 It's a great beat.

00:22:07.000 It goes a long way.

00:22:08.000 I mean, think about, give me the lute, give me the lute.

00:22:10.000 Sing along to that song.

00:22:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:13.000 I don't listen to Asian music.

00:22:15.000 That's a biggie.

00:22:16.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

00:22:17.000 But also, they're saying crazy shit about women, and women are singing it. 1.00

00:22:20.000 Kicking the door, waving the four-four. 1.00

00:22:22.000 All you heard was, Papa, don't hit me no more.

00:22:25.000 That's a song.

00:22:26.000 That's cultural appropriation.

00:22:27.000 That's a song about beating someone up when you're holding a gun to them.

00:22:32.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that.

00:22:33.000 And everybody's like, yo!

00:22:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:22:35.000 You love it.

00:22:36.000 I love it.

00:22:36.000 I love that song.

00:22:37.000 I love it, too.

00:22:38.000 I'm nutting your eye while we're in the sky.

00:22:39.000 There's all kinds of stuff that women are singing it at the club, and you're like, you know what he's saying, right?

00:22:45.000 Right.

00:22:46.000 But... 0.98

00:22:47.000 Yeah, there's weird rules today, but the art form of saying outrageous shit that you don't really mean is my favorite thing to watch. 0.97

00:22:55.000 I agree.

00:22:56.000 So if you tell me that we can't do that anymore, I gotta...

00:22:58.000 No.

00:23:00.000 You're gonna be upset, and you're not gonna like it.

00:23:02.000 You don't have to go.

00:23:03.000 But if you're telling me that, you know, like Louis C.K. is a great example of that, like, people kind of weren't paying attention or conveniently forgot.

00:23:13.000 So when he got in trouble...

00:23:15.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:23:15.000 And then he came back to do stand-up.

00:23:17.000 He was doing stand-up the way he always did stand-up.

00:23:19.000 Of course!

00:23:20.000 It's the same thing. 1.00

00:23:21.000 Say horrible shit that you don't really mean. 1.00

00:23:24.000 You're not supposed to say it, but it's very funny to say it. 1.00

00:23:26.000 It was brilliant back then.

00:23:28.000 And that's what he does.

00:23:29.000 That's what he's always done.

00:23:30.000 He had a joke about 9-11 and jerking off between the two towers falling, and they got an applause break.

00:23:34.000 And then he talks about Parkland. 0.99

00:23:36.000 Everybody's like, he's a monster! 1.00

00:23:37.000 I'm like, he's the same fucking bald ginger douche! 1.00

00:23:40.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:23:40.000 But yeah, I had a gig. 1.00

00:23:42.000 But here's the thing about the censoring and all that. 0.99

00:23:44.000 It makes a lot of people feel good joking about this horrible shit. 0.99

00:23:47.000 So everybody's like, you're hurting people. 1.00

00:23:49.000 I'm like, yeah, but other people are enjoying it too.

00:23:52.000 So like, it's like hot sauce.

00:23:54.000 If it hurts your tongue, just don't eat it.

00:23:56.000 And it's the same with...

00:23:57.000 Horrific jokes.

00:23:58.000 I did a show in PA a couple days ago, or a couple nights ago, and I did a couple wheelchair jokes about people in wheelchairs making fun of them.

00:24:07.000 And I get off stage, and I'm selling merch, and this lady rolls up in a wheelchair. 0.99

00:24:11.000 And I was like, oh, shit. 0.99

00:24:13.000 I didn't see her the whole show. 1.00

00:24:14.000 And I was like, oh, fuck. 1.00

00:24:16.000 This is gonna be bad. 1.00

00:24:17.000 Oh, man.

00:24:17.000 And she was like, I loved it.

00:24:19.000 I love the wheelchair stuff.

00:24:21.000 Thank you. 0.99

00:24:21.000 Everybody treats me like an idiot. 0.99

00:24:23.000 And I was like, oh, thank God. 1.00

00:24:24.000 And then I pushed her down some stairs. 0.97

00:24:26.000 But... 1.00

00:24:27.000 But yeah, it's just, some people enjoy it, so she's like, don't treat me like an idiot. 1.00

00:24:32.000 I mean, remember the special needs kid in gym class? 0.99

00:24:35.000 You made fun of everybody but him.

00:24:36.000 Yeah.

00:24:37.000 That's the ultimate insult.

00:24:38.000 Yeah.

00:24:39.000 And it feels weird to do that with people.

00:24:42.000 I'm not going to talk about black people, because that's a... 1.00

00:24:44.000 Be careful.

00:24:46.000 Yeah, so like, say just excluding them, I mean, they exist.

00:24:49.000 Be careful.

00:24:50.000 Yeah.

00:24:50.000 I'm just saying.

00:24:51.000 No, no, I know what you're saying.

00:24:52.000 But that's one of those things, it's like...

00:24:56.000 Making fun of things was always part of the way people coped with stuff. 0.87

00:25:01.000 And making fun of things you're not supposed to say was always like, I can't fucking believe this guy! 0.52

00:25:06.000 It was fun. 0.85

00:25:08.000 It was fun to see.

00:25:09.000 I mean, that was Dice Clay's entire career.

00:25:10.000 That was a big part of Sam Kinison's career.

00:25:13.000 And Carlin. 1.00

00:25:14.000 Piss, fuck, motherfucker, and tits. 1.00

00:25:16.000 That was his big hit for a while. 1.00

00:25:17.000 That was his Hot Pockets.

00:25:19.000 There's so many versions of that with so many different great comics that we all love and want to see. 0.98

00:25:23.000 Now, if you told those people they can't say things that are offensive to really sensitive people, we're all fucked.

00:25:30.000 Now we all miss out on some of the best bits ever. 0.93

00:25:33.000 I know.

00:25:33.000 I had an argument with a guy who was telling me that comedy punches up always.

00:25:38.000 That good comedy punches up. 0.96

00:25:39.000 Oh, that's silly.

00:25:40.000 I talked to him about the Sam Kennison bit about starving kids in Africa. 0.71

00:25:44.000 Great bit.

00:25:44.000 Which is one of the all-time greatest bits.

00:25:46.000 Sure.

00:25:47.000 And it's the most punchy downy bit of all time.

00:25:50.000 Yeah.

00:25:50.000 He's making fun of babies that are starving.

00:25:53.000 Yes.

00:25:54.000 What could possibly be more punch down than that?

00:25:59.000 Right.

00:25:59.000 And different things are up to different people.

00:26:02.000 Punching up.

00:26:02.000 Like, Colin Quinn is the best line.

00:26:04.000 He's like, it's not punching up, it's not punching down.

00:26:05.000 It's all play fighting.

00:26:07.000 Yeah.

00:26:07.000 So you gotta stop putting these levels and hierarchies on people on victimhood.

00:26:11.000 It's about play fighting.

00:26:12.000 I'm batting you, I'm batting you, that's it.

00:26:14.000 Here's what happened.

00:26:16.000 Everyone who got on social media, everyone has the ability to comment on things.

00:26:22.000 And some of the people commenting on things are not good at comedy.

00:26:27.000 Yes.

00:26:28.000 A lot of them.

00:26:29.000 Most of them.

00:26:29.000 There's a lot of them that are comics that are commenting on it.

00:26:32.000 Yeah.

00:26:32.000 And they're not good at comedy.

00:26:34.000 They're comics, but they're passable.

00:26:36.000 Sure.

00:26:37.000 They don't do well.

00:26:38.000 They don't have thriving careers.

00:26:40.000 And their act is...

00:26:42.000 Right, right.

00:26:42.000 Sometimes it's okay.

00:26:44.000 You know, I'm not, like, being totally objective.

00:26:47.000 Yeah.

00:26:47.000 Maybe they could have put a little more work in.

00:26:49.000 Maybe they could have figured it out better.

00:26:51.000 Maybe they could have...

00:26:52.000 Whatever's wrong, whatever...

00:26:53.000 You know, it just sometimes...

00:26:56.000 It doesn't work out for people.

00:26:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:58.000 Those are the loudest voices against very successful, outrageous guys like Louie or like Joey Diaz or like many of the other ones that people get mad at for bits.

00:27:10.000 It just knew, though, the comics attacking comics.

00:27:13.000 It's not good.

00:27:14.000 That's not good, and when I started, that wasn't even a thought.

00:27:17.000 No.

00:27:17.000 You'd be like, wait, what are you doing?

00:27:18.000 You know why I said that horrible thing.

00:27:20.000 I'm trying to get a laugh here.

00:27:21.000 But it's never guys like Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle.

00:27:24.000 No.

00:27:25.000 Or, you know, it's never Bill Burr attacking comics.

00:27:28.000 No.

00:27:29.000 No, I'm with you.

00:27:30.000 It's comics that are like...

00:27:32.000 Right.

00:27:33.000 And some of them I even like, which is a real problem.

00:27:35.000 I like them as a human being.

00:27:37.000 I see them.

00:27:37.000 I want to hug them.

00:27:38.000 They're nice.

00:27:40.000 But, you know, all of us inside are filled with turmoil and insecurity.

00:27:46.000 We're flawed.

00:27:47.000 We're human.

00:27:47.000 And weirdness.

00:27:48.000 All of us.

00:27:49.000 All humans listen.

00:27:50.000 And I think comics more so than any of us, right?

00:27:52.000 That's what led people to take the abuse of bombing on stage and keep going.

00:27:57.000 But some people, they just harbor this resentment for all the bad feelings that the art form has provided with them. 0.73

00:28:04.000 And they somehow or another, those bad feelings of not getting the success they felt they deserved or not achieving the heights or the accolades that they thought they needed, they should have gotten, they'll fucking internalize the negativity of the art form.

00:28:20.000 And that's what they want to concentrate on all the time.

00:28:22.000 Right, right.

00:28:22.000 Instead of like, what a great thing to be able to do for a living.

00:28:25.000 I know.

00:28:25.000 We're so lucky.

00:28:26.000 It's such a beautiful thing. 0.52

00:28:27.000 And why would you ruin it by getting mad at a guy who said retard?

00:28:30.000 Like, this is your life? 0.78

00:28:32.000 And also, four million sperm didn't make it.

00:28:35.000 You made it.

00:28:36.000 And this is how you're going to spend it?

00:28:37.000 On Twitter?

00:28:39.000 Tweeting and twatting.

00:28:40.000 A lot of people are unhappy, man.

00:28:41.000 Twitter is a magnifying glass for that.

00:28:44.000 People are normally unhappy.

00:28:45.000 I mean, we went through the Crusades and the Depression and, you know, Vietnam, Civil Rights, whatever.

00:28:50.000 Everybody's unhappy. 1.00

00:28:51.000 We're all going through shit. 1.00

00:28:53.000 It's just weird to attack and pile on. 1.00

00:28:55.000 Why would you make more shit? 0.99

00:28:56.000 Well, it's just, it hasn't been explained to some people, or they have a different opinion of it than we do. 0.99

00:29:02.000 Like, there's a lot of people that say things that I don't like, but I don't have time.

00:29:06.000 And comics that say things that I just don't think are very funny.

00:29:09.000 Sure.

00:29:09.000 I don't have time.

00:29:10.000 And I have no inclination whatsoever. 0.98

00:29:12.000 I have no desire to go shit on their act. 0.99

00:29:15.000 No, that's crazy. 1.00

00:29:16.000 It's crazy.

00:29:17.000 They're trying.

00:29:17.000 At least they're trying.

00:29:19.000 Bro, it's a weird thing, and sometimes it takes people forever to figure out how to do it right.

00:29:23.000 That's awesome.

00:29:24.000 Well, some people just, if you don't have it, you don't have it.

00:29:26.000 That's true, too.

00:29:27.000 No one wants to mention that.

00:29:28.000 That's another part about comedy that's tough.

00:29:30.000 No one ever goes, you know what? 1.00

00:29:32.000 You suck. 1.00

00:29:33.000 I know you're mad at everybody. 1.00

00:29:34.000 I know you hate the business.

00:29:35.000 You hate funny, successful people.

00:29:38.000 But you're just not good.

00:29:39.000 They go, hey, it's because I'm this.

00:29:41.000 It's because I'm that.

00:29:42.000 But also, have you heard any laughs?

00:29:44.000 Isn't that weird when a comedy gets offstage and it was a complete bomb?

00:29:47.000 They're like, all right, what are we doing after?

00:29:48.000 I'm like...

00:29:49.000 You don't hate yourself right now? 0.99

00:29:50.000 I would be in the bathroom shitting my brains out crying. 0.99

00:29:54.000 Ah, I never got that. 0.90

00:29:55.000 Like, you should be upset.

00:29:56.000 You should be at least thinking about it.

00:29:59.000 One time I did a gig, and I was the middle act. 0.98

00:30:01.000 Host killed, I bombed, headliner annihilated, and I was shitting. 0.96

00:30:06.000 It was at the Denver Comedy Works. 0.93

00:30:07.000 This was years ago. 0.74

00:30:08.000 I was shitting, and I was in the stall, and I heard two guys washing their hands. 0.62

00:30:12.000 And one of them goes, how about that host, huh? 0.95

00:30:13.000 And he goes, oh man, so funny.

00:30:15.000 And he goes, how about the headliner?

00:30:16.000 And he was like, oh, unbelievable.

00:30:18.000 And he goes, what did you think of the middle guy?

00:30:20.000 And I was like, oh, you know, my pants are down, the most vulnerable position.

00:30:24.000 And I went, I thought he was pretty good. 1.00

00:30:26.000 And they went, ah, he sucked, he sucked. 1.00

00:30:29.000 And then they left, and I was like, oh, I did suck. 1.00

00:30:32.000 Crushed me. 1.00

00:30:33.000 Crushed me.

00:30:33.000 I'll never forget that.

00:30:35.000 But if you don't experience that bad feeling, you're not going to work hard enough to keep going.

00:30:38.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:30:39.000 If you just take that and you say, that audience was filled with assholes. 1.00

00:30:44.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that. 1.00

00:30:45.000 Yeah.

00:30:46.000 They didn't respect me.

00:30:47.000 They don't get me.

00:30:48.000 They don't get me. 0.99

00:30:49.000 They want to hear dumb comedy. 1.00

00:30:51.000 They want to hear stupid jokes. 1.00

00:30:52.000 They're all right. 1.00

00:30:54.000 Yeah, there's something about them that's wrong.

00:30:56.000 It's not me.

00:30:57.000 Right, right.

00:30:57.000 That's what people do.

00:30:58.000 Look, man, people do that in relationships.

00:31:00.000 They do that in friendships.

00:31:01.000 They do that at work.

00:31:02.000 A lot of blaming.

00:31:03.000 Look, there's a lot of people that get fired from their job and then they just want to say, like, you know, I was discriminated against.

00:31:08.000 No, no, no, they didn't like you!

00:31:10.000 They don't want you in the office!

00:31:12.000 That's it. 1.00

00:31:13.000 You remember the guy used to go up to a girl and hit on her and she'd go, no thanks, and he'd go, fucking dyke. 0.99

00:31:18.000 Maybe she just doesn't like you. 1.00

00:31:19.000 Every girl's got to want to fuck you. 1.00

00:31:21.000 That's a dark thing when you see that for men. 1.00

00:31:23.000 Yeah.

00:31:23.000 I think that, again, comes from the same kind of thing that we were talking about with comedy, that a lot of people in their head, they don't think about how lucky they are to be a comic.

00:31:31.000 They think of how fucking, just so filled my life with frustration and fuck, and it's because of these fucks and that fuck, and I didn't get where I wanted to be because of fucks like you, that fucks like him, or fucks like her. 1.00

00:31:45.000 I think that's the same thing with almost everything. 1.00

00:31:49.000 Yeah.

00:31:50.000 I agree.

00:31:50.000 You know, this weird way of re-looking at things to align it with yourself and make yourself look good.

00:31:58.000 It just feels better.

00:31:59.000 It's just easier on your psyche.

00:32:01.000 It's the same with religion.

00:32:02.000 It just feels better knowing there's some guy in the sky and then Heaven's this great after party where everybody's hanging out and happy.

00:32:08.000 It's easier.

00:32:09.000 Yeah.

00:32:10.000 I know that's a big jump from comedy to Heaven, but...

00:32:15.000 I don't know.

00:32:15.000 Religion, it's...

00:32:16.000 I'm jealous of them.

00:32:18.000 That feeling that you get, though, that you were talking about, that is critical.

00:32:21.000 That feeling of just awfulness.

00:32:23.000 Yeah.

00:32:23.000 That should be innate.

00:32:24.000 It should be there.

00:32:25.000 Why don't you feel bad about that set?

00:32:28.000 I mean, this is your job.

00:32:29.000 It's the worst feeling.

00:32:29.000 Yeah, like, even if the crowd is a bunch of mooks on Long Island or some country club, you should still try to figure out a way to get them.

00:32:36.000 You're the entertainment for the night.

00:32:37.000 They paid.

00:32:38.000 Yeah.

00:32:39.000 I don't know.

00:32:39.000 I find that strange when people are just upset, aren't upset that they bombed.

00:32:45.000 Well, that's protecting them.

00:32:47.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:32:48.000 Yeah.

00:32:51.000 People gotta realize that protecting thing doesn't work.

00:32:55.000 You pay the price.

00:32:57.000 You just pay the price in mediocrity. 0.92

00:32:59.000 If you don't hate things that you do that suck, then you don't feel that sting of bombing. 0.90

00:33:05.000 Yeah. 0.66

00:33:05.000 If you don't feel that sting of bombing, you don't recognize the urgency. 0.66

00:33:09.000 You're at the precipice of falling into an abyss of sucking. 0.98

00:33:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:13.000 You better pull yourself out and write some better shit and approach the set differently. 1.00

00:33:18.000 But if you're one of those guys that can pretend and like, oh, it was good. 0.99

00:33:22.000 I thought it was good. 1.00

00:33:23.000 You're fucked. 1.00

00:33:24.000 You're fucked. 1.00

00:33:25.000 Internalize it. 1.00

00:33:26.000 The energy has to go somewhere.

00:33:29.000 Right.

00:33:29.000 If you just pretend and put that wall up, then you're not going to get the good out of it because you're not going to have the juice.

00:33:36.000 You're not going to have that horrible feeling.

00:33:38.000 You're going to sleep like a baby tonight.

00:33:39.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:33:40.000 Meanwhile, I'll fuck up one word and I'll take a piss at three in the morning going, fuck! 1.00

00:33:45.000 Exactly! 1.00

00:33:45.000 Fuck, fuck, fuck! 1.00

00:33:46.000 I do that all the time. 1.00

00:33:48.000 Bro.

00:33:48.000 Oh man, many red roof ends showering going, go!

00:33:52.000 Why did I say that fucking riff? 1.00

00:33:54.000 That was horrible. 1.00

00:33:54.000 I hate myself. 1.00

00:33:55.000 But that's why you're good.

00:33:56.000 The hate of the bad stuff, like you're the one who knows it more than anybody because there's no surprises for you.

00:34:03.000 Right. 0.98

00:34:04.000 You're the one who's act you have to hear every fucking day and there's no surprises. 0.99

00:34:08.000 Right. 0.99

00:34:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:34:09.000 Occasionally, you riff a surprise.

00:34:11.000 Yeah.

00:34:11.000 And when you riff a surprise, you get a little joke.

00:34:13.000 Yes, yes.

00:34:13.000 Like, oh, a little joke from me.

00:34:15.000 Exactly.

00:34:15.000 I get a little juice from that.

00:34:16.000 Yay! 0.99

00:34:17.000 Right.

00:34:18.000 But most of the time, you don't get the laughs.

00:34:21.000 Yeah.

00:34:21.000 The laughs are coming your way because you're orchestrating it well, but you're not laughing.

00:34:25.000 Yes.

00:34:25.000 Very rarely.

00:34:26.000 And you know your instrument better than anybody.

00:34:28.000 You're calibrated.

00:34:29.000 So when somebody goes, sounded good to me, and you still know, I wasn't there, it wasn't great, it's all how you feel.

00:34:36.000 Exactly.

00:34:36.000 And don't let them change it.

00:34:37.000 No, you killed, you killed. 0.74

00:34:38.000 And some people go, eh, maybe I did.

00:34:40.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:34:40.000 But no, you gotta stay the course and know you suck. 1.00

00:34:43.000 Some people don't like that feeling, so they start blaming other people. 0.99

00:34:46.000 They start blaming the audience.

00:34:48.000 They start blaming this.

00:34:49.000 And it's natural.

00:34:50.000 That's a natural thing to do.

00:34:52.000 But it's anti-growth.

00:34:55.000 You can't do it that way.

00:34:57.000 Yeah, anti-growth. 0.99

00:34:57.000 It'll fuck you up. 0.99

00:34:58.000 That's good. 1.00

00:34:59.000 That sacrifice for that good feeling of dishonesty, that feeling where you're like, yeah, fuck them, that you could turn your anger on external sources. 1.00

00:35:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:09.000 You're ruining your opportunity for growth.

00:35:11.000 I agree.

00:35:12.000 You got a little gift right there. 1.00

00:35:13.000 You got a little gift of eating shit. 1.00

00:35:15.000 Yes. 1.00

00:35:16.000 You got to take that little gift and just remember it.

00:35:18.000 I mean, what have you done with weightlifting?

00:35:20.000 Ah, that was too hard. 0.99

00:35:21.000 These weights suck. 1.00

00:35:23.000 Fuck this gym. 1.00

00:35:24.000 Patriarchy. 1.00

00:35:25.000 Yeah.

00:35:26.000 COVID is actually a great motivator, because people keep trying to bring it down, and it's still killing.

00:35:34.000 It's impressive. 1.00

00:35:35.000 COVID's got haters up the ass, and he's like, fuck you, I'm still going. 1.00

00:35:38.000 Everybody's talking about me, I'm a household name, I'm universal. 1.00

00:35:41.000 COVID's huge.

00:35:43.000 That's a great way to look at...

00:35:45.000 I look at COVID, I'm like, I gotta be more like COVID. Hated everywhere?

00:35:49.000 Well, not hated, but I'm just saying that kind of drive.

00:35:52.000 I'm not pro-COVID. Hang on here, folks.

00:35:55.000 Working out material.

00:35:56.000 I'm just saying it's impressive how COVID just keeps going.

00:36:00.000 A lot of us could be a little more like COVID. Right?

00:36:05.000 Still going.

00:36:06.000 Everybody's trying to take him down.

00:36:07.000 He won't fall.

00:36:09.000 The vaccine's going to come along.

00:36:11.000 You taking it?

00:36:11.000 Put a hole in the sails.

00:36:13.000 It depends on how many people get the Bell's palsy.

00:36:16.000 Right now, only four out of like 20,000 people that took it in England.

00:36:22.000 Right?

00:36:23.000 Is it 20,000 people?

00:36:24.000 Four is amazing.

00:36:25.000 I mean, that's better than aspirin.

00:36:27.000 Unless it's you.

00:36:28.000 And then you can't do stand-up for a long time.

00:36:31.000 I don't think I'm going to win the lottery, and I'm applying that same logic to the bills.

00:36:35.000 Do you know who got that for a little bit?

00:36:36.000 Dom Herrera had it for a little bit.

00:36:38.000 It went away.

00:36:39.000 It went away?

00:36:40.000 Yeah, it goes away.

00:36:41.000 You get it, and then it can go away.

00:36:43.000 Wow.

00:36:44.000 When you're a comic, for months, you can't do stand-up, because half your face doesn't work.

00:36:48.000 Yikes.

00:36:48.000 Yeah, and they don't know why.

00:36:51.000 Really?

00:36:51.000 Yeah.

00:36:52.000 That's the scariest when doctors are like, we don't know.

00:36:54.000 Yeah, my buddy's kid got it from Lyme disease.

00:36:57.000 Yeah, he got Lyme disease, and all of a sudden he had Bell's palsy.

00:37:00.000 It was a young kid, too.

00:37:01.000 I believe at the time he was seven.

00:37:03.000 Is that from a tick?

00:37:04.000 Yep.

00:37:05.000 Oh, jeez.

00:37:06.000 That's terrifying.

00:37:07.000 What about Sly Stallone?

00:37:09.000 Does he have Bell's, or is he just like that? 0.99

00:37:10.000 No, when he was born, the doctor fucked his face up. 0.99

00:37:14.000 What? 1.00

00:37:14.000 He had like a forceps, like grabbed his face. 1.00

00:37:16.000 No way!

00:37:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:37:18.000 I never knew that.

00:37:19.000 Yeah, it's a well-known story. 0.99

00:37:21.000 Damn. 1.00

00:37:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:22.000 Well, good for him. 1.00

00:37:24.000 Ayo.

00:37:25.000 Ayo.

00:37:26.000 Yeah, that's not Bell's palsy.

00:37:29.000 But back to the bombing feeling, let me just say this.

00:37:32.000 Please.

00:37:32.000 I have that in regular life, too.

00:37:34.000 You know when a guy's at the gym with his music playing loudly?

00:37:37.000 I'm like, who could do that?

00:37:38.000 I'm so concerned about everybody's feelings and how I perceive and everybody hating me that I'm like, I could never do that, and I'm almost jealous of the guy.

00:37:46.000 And I feel the same.

00:37:47.000 It's like the same with comedy where I walk off and like, oh, that was bad. 0.98

00:37:50.000 If I was the loud music at the gym guy, I would walk around going, oh, that was dumb. 0.94

00:37:55.000 What was I thinking? 0.98

00:37:55.000 I was so inconsiderate and selfish. 0.98

00:37:57.000 Dude, I hate everything I do.

00:37:58.000 I hate when I do ads.

00:38:00.000 Jamie will tell you.

00:38:01.000 Oh, yeah? 1.00

00:38:01.000 I do my ads and halfway into the ads, I'm like, fuck, fucking cunt. 1.00

00:38:04.000 God, I suck at this. 1.00

00:38:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:38:05.000 I just start yelling at myself. 0.99

00:38:07.000 That's a good way to be, though.

00:38:09.000 I mean, Jay Leno said it best.

00:38:10.000 Self-esteem is underrated.

00:38:11.000 Or low self-esteem.

00:38:13.000 Yeah.

00:38:13.000 Low self-esteem is...

00:38:15.000 Wait.

00:38:15.000 Low self-esteem is underrated.

00:38:17.000 Thank you.

00:38:18.000 Yeah.

00:38:18.000 There's something to it.

00:38:19.000 There's something to it.

00:38:20.000 And I don't think it's that.

00:38:21.000 It's just a ruthless examination without any charity.

00:38:26.000 It's not low self-esteem.

00:38:28.000 I don't have low self-esteem, but I ruthlessly examine everything I do with no charity.

00:38:33.000 Right.

00:38:33.000 I don't give myself any breaks.

00:38:35.000 Yeah.

00:38:36.000 It's not healthy if you can.

00:38:37.000 It's not healthy.

00:38:38.000 But I can handle it. 0.99

00:38:39.000 But on paper, you should be the biggest cum-guzzling douche on the planet. 0.99

00:38:44.000 I mean, just your track record and everything. 0.99

00:38:48.000 You do the UFC. You got the biggest pod.

00:38:50.000 You're a huge stand-up.

00:38:52.000 You got a ton of money.

00:38:52.000 You got every car you want.

00:38:53.000 You know all these celebs.

00:38:54.000 You got J-Mo here. 1.00

00:38:56.000 I mean, you're killing it.

00:38:57.000 And so on paper, you could just sit back and go, I'm great.

00:39:01.000 I made it.

00:39:02.000 Everything's perfect.

00:39:03.000 I got a wife.

00:39:03.000 I got kids I love.

00:39:04.000 I got a handsome dog.

00:39:06.000 On paper, you're knocking it out of the park, but you're still hating yourself with the ad reads.

00:39:12.000 You have to. 1.00

00:39:12.000 Yeah, fucking ad reads. 1.00

00:39:14.000 Ad reads. 1.00

00:39:15.000 Yelling at myself for fucking up a stamps.com ad read. 0.95

00:39:18.000 Yeah, it's inevitable. 0.98

00:39:20.000 That's a good way to be, though.

00:39:21.000 I don't think there's any other way to be, because that's how I always was.

00:39:24.000 So if I always was that, and if I changed upon success, that means that somehow or another I've perfected anything.

00:39:30.000 I've never perfected anything.

00:39:32.000 I haven't perfected any of the things that I like to do.

00:39:34.000 So then I'm always trying to do better. 0.94

00:39:36.000 So if I'm always trying to do better, why would I like any of the shit that I'm doing? 0.98

00:39:39.000 I agree. 0.91

00:39:40.000 I should always be trying to get it better.

00:39:41.000 But I think you're in the minority.

00:39:42.000 I think most people get one glimmer of some success or some money or fame and they just go off the rails.

00:39:49.000 But I think that's the same thing that we were talking about.

00:39:51.000 That's what they do to protect themselves.

00:39:53.000 Then instead of concentrating on the work, now they're concentrating on like Accolades they deserve.

00:40:00.000 Yeah.

00:40:00.000 You know, now they're going mommy dearest on you.

00:40:02.000 You know, now they want all the love and all the attention.

00:40:06.000 Right.

00:40:06.000 But your work suffers.

00:40:08.000 I agree.

00:40:09.000 You can't do that.

00:40:10.000 Like, first of all, it's not wise to do it as a person because I don't think it's a healthy way to look at things. 0.99

00:40:16.000 Like, if you're playing a game and all of a sudden you win the game and you're ahead, do you change your opinion of yourself because of some stupid fucking game? 0.64

00:40:25.000 No, you gotta look at it for what it is, and if it's an art form like stand-up, it demands that you pay attention, that you're honest. 0.97

00:40:36.000 If you're not doing that, you're not gonna get better.

00:40:39.000 So all the people that wind up wanting more than they... 0.99

00:40:43.000 You get what you fucking deserve. 0.98

00:40:45.000 I know, if you do the work, it'll show up. 1.00

00:40:47.000 Yeah, you get what you deserve.

00:40:48.000 Yeah, the results...

00:40:50.000 It's a real meritocracy in a lot of ways.

00:40:53.000 It doesn't seem even sometimes.

00:40:54.000 Sometimes maybe you aren't getting attention when you should, but it always balances itself out with consistency and constant work.

00:41:04.000 The people get the word out.

00:41:06.000 It's a real meritocracy in that way.

00:41:08.000 I think that's why sports and UFC... I love watching because it's just like, that guy got punched in the face, he lost, and he goes, ah, I should have dodged, I should have ducked, or I should have parried, or whatever it is.

00:41:21.000 And it's just so A to B, where everything else is complain and blame other people. 0.95

00:41:25.000 It's just fun to see, like, I fucked up there and I lost.

00:41:28.000 Well, that's why I always love the game of pool. 0.97

00:41:30.000 Because the game of pool is absolute.

00:41:32.000 The ball either goes into the hole or it does not.

00:41:35.000 And you can find a lot of reasons why the ball doesn't go in the hole.

00:41:38.000 And a lot of guys who are...

00:41:40.000 They would lose a lot at pool.

00:41:42.000 Yeah.

00:41:42.000 They...

00:41:43.000 They decided there was reasons why.

00:41:46.000 The table's slanted. 0.99

00:41:47.000 The stick sucks. 0.99

00:41:48.000 I don't have my stick, man. 0.99

00:41:49.000 It was always excuses.

00:41:51.000 Somebody distracted them.

00:41:53.000 Or, you know, this guy's on drugs and that's why he's playing so good. 0.95

00:41:57.000 Or, the balls won't roll for me today. 0.76

00:42:00.000 I'm getting bad rolls. 1.00

00:42:01.000 Like, this is bullshit. 1.00

00:42:02.000 I got shit luck. 1.00

00:42:04.000 There's always a reason why they don't do well. 1.00

00:42:07.000 Right, right.

00:42:07.000 And you can see it.

00:42:09.000 It's a denial of...

00:42:12.000 The reality of your circumstance.

00:42:13.000 You're just not as good at this game as this other person who just beat you.

00:42:16.000 They could probably beat you 100 out of 100 times.

00:42:19.000 They're better than you.

00:42:20.000 And the way to get better is to concentrate and play.

00:42:22.000 But some people don't want to do that.

00:42:24.000 They just want to complain. 0.99

00:42:25.000 But the thing about the pool is it didn't give a fuck who hit the ball. 0.98

00:42:29.000 There's no charisma involved, no personality. 0.98

00:42:33.000 It's just physics.

00:42:34.000 This ball, click, hits that ball, and this ball rolls into the side pocket and And you win.

00:42:39.000 Exactly.

00:42:39.000 Or it bobbles and it hangs there and you missed.

00:42:43.000 Right.

00:42:43.000 That's life.

00:42:44.000 Exactly.

00:42:44.000 Which is the same with stand-up.

00:42:46.000 I mean, even if you're the biggest celebrity, the most loved guy, after a couple minutes they're like, we love you, we're going to give you a big ovation, but... 0.99

00:42:54.000 That shit ain't funny. 0.97

00:42:55.000 Yeah, we need material. 0.99

00:42:56.000 I need something. 1.00

00:42:57.000 We need real shit. 1.00

00:42:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:58.000 They need real things. 1.00

00:42:59.000 You would watch guys come to the store that were like big TV stars and they would go on stage, Kramer, and they would go on stage and...

00:43:06.000 He's got great material.

00:43:07.000 Immediately, the audience would love that they're there.

00:43:11.000 Yeah.

00:43:11.000 And then they would realize after a while, like, you can't just take 10 years off or whatever you've done and just jump on stage with no act and...

00:43:19.000 And hope your charisma is going to get you through it when you're following Bill Burr and Ali Wong and whoever the fuck else is up there murdering it.

00:43:27.000 You have to have an act, man. 0.85

00:43:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:43:29.000 It doesn't matter how famous you are.

00:43:31.000 I agree.

00:43:32.000 Seinfeld, as famous as he is, as beloved as he is, he's got 30 seconds.

00:43:36.000 Yep, yep.

00:43:37.000 He walks in that club.

00:43:38.000 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld. 0.98

00:43:40.000 Holy shit, we're going to get to see Jerry Seinfeld. 0.89

00:43:42.000 This is amazing. 0.99

00:43:43.000 This is great.

00:43:44.000 Wow.

00:43:45.000 Wow, what a great surprise guest!

00:43:48.000 And then it wears off, and then he's got to do the work. 1.00

00:43:52.000 He's got to kill it. 0.99

00:43:53.000 It's like when a hot girl tells a story. 1.00

00:43:56.000 Everybody's like, oh, look at this lady talking. 0.99

00:43:58.000 Wow, she's a looker. 1.00

00:44:00.000 And then you're like, this story fucking sucks. 1.00

00:44:01.000 This story sucks. 1.00

00:44:02.000 But she's probably been pampered her whole life and told her, everybody says, you're great, you're hot. 1.00

00:44:07.000 That's the saddest thing in the world, a really hot girl with boring stories.

00:44:10.000 Oh, man, I think that's L.A. People have been lying to you forever.

00:44:15.000 Well, that's the thing, right?

00:44:16.000 That's why when you run into a hot girl who's really smart and is a great conversationalist, you're like, wow! 0.99

00:44:21.000 You're in Canada at that point, because they don't have that here.

00:44:23.000 I mean, come on.

00:44:24.000 You know, you meet a smoking hot lady, and she's like, I have an engineering degree, and I invented this conveyor belt, and I got a patent, and you're like, what?

00:44:31.000 Oh, I'm in Montreal.

00:44:32.000 Yeah, I work in a children's hospital, a surgeon.

00:44:33.000 You're like, what are you saying?

00:44:35.000 Right, right.

00:44:35.000 Not here.

00:44:36.000 Yeah, that's hilarious.

00:44:38.000 Yeah, it's true.

00:44:39.000 Well, it may be here, not L.A. Yeah, that's the whole thing about the Instagram ladies, you know, the hot-ass models and all that. 1.00

00:44:47.000 I'm like, what are you gonna do when you're...

00:44:49.000 50?

00:44:50.000 51, yeah.

00:44:51.000 Be the hot, older Instagram model.

00:44:53.000 I guess, but isn't that also weird?

00:44:55.000 Like, feminists must hate them, because it's like, don't objectify and all that. 1.00

00:44:58.000 I'm like, well, that's...

00:45:00.000 That's what she's putting out there, so what do I do here?

00:45:02.000 Here's the problem with feminism. 1.00

00:45:03.000 Oh boy.

00:45:04.000 This is a problem.

00:45:05.000 Okay.

00:45:06.000 That's a woman too. 0.99

00:45:08.000 That's her choice.

00:45:09.000 That's her choice to do it.

00:45:10.000 No man is looking at bodybuilders and saying, like a guy who's got big muscles and lifts weights online, no man is looking at him and saying, what you're doing is bad for masculinity.

00:45:22.000 Right, right.

00:45:23.000 What you're doing is bad for men. 0.99

00:45:24.000 We don't give a shit. 1.00

00:45:25.000 Yeah, we don't care. 0.99

00:45:26.000 I'm trying to get my stuff going.

00:45:27.000 If you have CrossFit exercises on your Instagram page and you're doing cleans and presses, men don't look at that and go, oh, you're getting attention for that.

00:45:37.000 You know how bad that is for masculinity?

00:45:40.000 You know how bad that is for the opinion that women have of us? 1.00

00:45:43.000 They already look at us like we're meathead idiots. 1.00

00:45:46.000 And this is what you're going to fill your page with? 1.00

00:45:48.000 Squats?

00:45:49.000 Squats?

00:45:49.000 Really?

00:45:50.000 Really?

00:45:51.000 Do better.

00:45:52.000 I hate the do better, but yeah, that's true.

00:45:54.000 The future is female. 1.00

00:45:55.000 Well, tell that to Ellen Page. 1.00

00:45:57.000 What goes back to that, uh, yeah, well, it's Elliot, you dead man piece of shit. 1.00

00:46:01.000 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 0.99

00:46:02.000 Oh, I forgot that was a thing.

00:46:04.000 There's a name for everything now.

00:46:05.000 Yeah.

00:46:06.000 That's a fun time.

00:46:07.000 Yeah.

00:46:07.000 It's a fun time to be offended.

00:46:09.000 But that's one thing, I think when you focus on your group too much, you're already fucked. 0.99

00:46:13.000 Like, I'm an Italian guy, and I think this, and we gotta stick together, and I'm a woman, and I'm a black guy, and I'm a gay guy. 1.00

00:46:17.000 It's like, just do your shit and kill it, and then everything will fall into place. 1.00

00:46:22.000 Don't worry about what group you're in. 1.00

00:46:23.000 I know, obviously, some people have to make groups to protect themselves.

00:46:26.000 Well, you get a free stack of coins.

00:46:30.000 It's identity politics.

00:46:31.000 In identity politics, you get a free stack of coins if you go in with an identity.

00:46:35.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

00:46:37.000 If you walk in the conversation as a woman from India, you get a stack of coins right away, you get a little stack, and you identify as a woman from India.

00:46:51.000 Now these other women from India are like, oh, she's one of us, she's on the team. 0.97

00:46:55.000 If you just want to go in there as a human being, you get no stack.

00:47:01.000 You don't start off with a stack of coins.

00:47:05.000 You've got to earn all your coins.

00:47:06.000 Right.

00:47:08.000 So identity politics, in a lot of ways, is people...

00:47:11.000 First of all, there's people that want equality, and they don't want to be marginalized, and they want people to treat them well.

00:47:19.000 So they go into it saying, look, I am also...

00:47:23.000 Gay people.

00:47:24.000 I'm also a person who's gay and I just think we're just people and I represent gay people because I want you to know that we're just people.

00:47:32.000 That's one way of doing it.

00:47:33.000 But some people don't do that.

00:47:34.000 They go into it as someone who's already oppressed and I want my stack of coins.

00:47:39.000 I want my stack of coins because I'm in this group and first of all, you need to check your privilege before you talk to me because you're not in this group and I'm in this group and I got a stack of coins.

00:47:49.000 Right?

00:47:50.000 And so, like, if you're a white man, and I'm not like, oh my god, you're defending white men?

00:47:55.000 No, I'm defending human beings. 0.64

00:47:57.000 If you're a white male today, like, you come into the game with the lowest stack of coins. 0.70

00:48:02.000 But we used to have a high stack.

00:48:03.000 But...

00:48:04.000 You still have a lot of advantages.

00:48:06.000 And everybody knows you still have a lot of advantages, but the people who don't have the advantages that you have, they want to let you know and show you their stack of coins.

00:48:15.000 Right.

00:48:16.000 But my thing is, show me some results or some worth.

00:48:20.000 If you get a free ride, if you get a free stack of coins, because of whatever you come to the game with, whatever identity, whether it's a nationality or a gender or a sexual preference...

00:48:31.000 If you really have that and you use that, it's the same thing as someone who's not really paying attention to their act.

00:48:39.000 Ah, yes.

00:48:40.000 You're relying on this crutch.

00:48:43.000 Yeah, work on you, not the identity.

00:48:45.000 But it's like you are who you are, whether you like it or not.

00:48:49.000 Exactly.

00:48:49.000 But if that's all you're concentrating on is who you are...

00:48:52.000 Like, we've got a problem.

00:48:53.000 And then it comes full circle when it all doesn't work out because they never worked hard, and then they go, oh, it's because I'm that thing.

00:48:59.000 And so there we go.

00:49:00.000 It all self fulfills. 0.99

00:49:02.000 And if you can't find people, that's one of the beautiful things about the comedy community, is they don't give a fuck what you are. 0.90

00:49:08.000 If you're funny, you're in. 0.54

00:49:10.000 I never thought about it before when I was a kid loving comedy, and now I think about it all the time, and how is that progress?

00:49:16.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:49:17.000 I used to be like, oh, Paula Poundstone's hilarious, or Ellen is funny, or Richard Pryor is funny.

00:49:23.000 I wasn't like, I love this black guy!

00:49:25.000 And now I think, hey, I'm laughing at this black guy. 1.00

00:49:28.000 How cool am I? I'm progressive.

00:49:29.000 But I'm like, isn't that worse?

00:49:31.000 Isn't it better to see him as a guy? 0.99

00:49:33.000 I think it's like an intermediate step to people realizing how stupid it is and then eventually going to the best version of just a person. 0.99

00:49:42.000 The best version of it. 0.99

00:49:44.000 So we get through all the pitfalls of identity politics, all the pitfalls of people wanting their stack of coins and being real aggressive about whatever they are even though what their art form is is fucking mediocre and nonsense because they're not really about that.

00:49:59.000 They're about getting as many coins as they can for who they are.

00:50:01.000 Yeah.

00:50:02.000 Right?

00:50:02.000 We get through that, realize that doesn't work, and then on the other end of it, you get...

00:50:06.000 Wouldn't it be better if everybody was just cool to everybody?

00:50:09.000 It'd be nice.

00:50:09.000 That'd be it.

00:50:10.000 And then eventually, more people realize that than realize it now.

00:50:15.000 Now, people don't want to get called out.

00:50:17.000 Right.

00:50:17.000 So they're very scared of being called out and shamed for the lack of respect for identity politics.

00:50:24.000 Right.

00:50:24.000 It's funny.

00:50:25.000 You go to every green room in America, and it's you and a bunch of douchebag comics going...

00:50:29.000 We don't think any of this, right?

00:50:30.000 And they go, oh, God, no.

00:50:31.000 I'm just terrified to say what I really think online.

00:50:34.000 And you're like, all right, all right, I'm not crazy.

00:50:35.000 The worst is when you see comics, like, just virtue signaling.

00:50:39.000 It's very strange.

00:50:40.000 Just calling out to the mob and asking, you know, like, look at what I'm saying. 0.99

00:50:44.000 I think, like, the most progressive person alive, even though I got a bunch of cunt jokes that I'm sitting on. 0.99

00:50:51.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

00:50:52.000 Ready to break out with.

00:50:54.000 I know.

00:50:54.000 I wonder if that will come back, like, you know, 10 years.

00:50:56.000 Kevin Hart said gay or whatever, and he gets in trouble.

00:50:59.000 I wonder if in 10 years it's going to flip the other way. 1.00

00:51:01.000 Like, hey, 10 years ago he said hashtag men suck. 0.99

00:51:04.000 I mean, that's a little sexist and, you know, whatever. 0.98

00:51:07.000 I hope the comics do it themselves.

00:51:08.000 I hope they realize themselves.

00:51:10.000 It'd be nice.

00:51:11.000 I assume people are laying in bed at night going like, what am I doing on TV? You know Bridget Phetasy?

00:51:15.000 Yeah, she's funny.

00:51:16.000 Hilarious.

00:51:17.000 Good Twitterer.

00:51:18.000 She's the best.

00:51:19.000 Maybe one of the best follows on Twitter.

00:51:20.000 But just great on podcasts, too.

00:51:22.000 I love her on her own.

00:51:24.000 I love her when she's on this one.

00:51:25.000 But she's one of the best examples of someone who...

00:51:36.000 She writes about things exactly the way she sees them.

00:51:39.000 And she goes hard in the paint.

00:51:43.000 Right.

00:51:43.000 Like, nobody reads her tweets and goes, oh, she's pretty funny for a chick.

00:51:46.000 She's pretty insightful for a chick.

00:51:48.000 No, that never crossed my mind.

00:51:49.000 No.

00:51:51.000 Only, just, you look at it, it's just only funny.

00:51:53.000 Yeah.

00:51:54.000 As a guy.

00:51:54.000 That's all we want.

00:51:55.000 As a girl. 0.99

00:51:55.000 We don't give a shit who is. 0.99

00:51:56.000 As a human. 0.99

00:51:57.000 Yeah.

00:51:58.000 Yeah.

00:51:58.000 I remember as a kid watching Mel Brooks movies and being like, this lady's hilarious.

00:52:01.000 And it was Madeline Kahn.

00:52:02.000 She was so funny to me, and I never thought, like, I like this funny lady.

00:52:07.000 It was just, she was funny.

00:52:09.000 And now it's just forced down your throat.

00:52:11.000 Hey, you gotta love women. 1.00

00:52:12.000 Women are funny. 1.00

00:52:13.000 You're like, alright, alright. 0.99

00:52:14.000 I had a point about Bridget and I forgot what the fuck it was. 1.00

00:52:16.000 Oh shit, I stepped on you with con. 1.00

00:52:17.000 I smoked weed. 1.00

00:52:18.000 I smoked weed before this show. 1.00

00:52:20.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:52:21.000 Weed is great and it's terrible at the same time. 1.00

00:52:23.000 It'll cloud your mind.

00:52:24.000 It will open doors of your mind but then the breeze goes through and knocks on the door shut and you're like, what happened?

00:52:30.000 You let in the breeze.

00:52:31.000 You let in that weed breeze.

00:52:32.000 I wish I liked weed. 0.99

00:52:34.000 I see all my friends toking all day and eating brownies and shit and I'm like, I would be ruined if I did that. 0.98

00:52:40.000 What were we talking about right before I brought her up? 1.00

00:52:44.000 Ah, shit. 1.00

00:52:46.000 Jugdish, the Indian lady. 1.00

00:52:48.000 Cunt jokes. 1.00

00:52:49.000 Yeah, we're all in a green room jizzing on each other with the truth and everybody's on Twitter and full of shit. 1.00

00:52:56.000 I had it. 0.99

00:52:57.000 I started saying her name because she says whatever she wants on Twitter.

00:52:59.000 Yeah, but there was a reason.

00:53:01.000 I had a point and I forgot what the point was.

00:53:03.000 It'll come back. 1.00

00:53:03.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

00:53:04.000 See, that sativa will get you there, Fetty. 1.00

00:53:07.000 Also, I'm fasting.

00:53:08.000 Oh, really?

00:53:09.000 Yeah, so today I'm not eating until after the show.

00:53:14.000 What a country.

00:53:14.000 We fast on purpose, baby.

00:53:16.000 Yeah, we starve ourselves on purpose.

00:53:17.000 What a weird, weird world we live in.

00:53:19.000 It's so good we gotta make a struggle.

00:53:23.000 Yeah.

00:53:23.000 We do that every day.

00:53:25.000 I gotta tell you, this coffee is so good.

00:53:27.000 I'm trying not to drink more of it.

00:53:29.000 I didn't start drinking coffee until I was like 34, and now I'm obsessed with it.

00:53:33.000 What happened?

00:53:34.000 I just always looked at it like, oh, my mom drinks coffee.

00:53:37.000 What is that?

00:53:37.000 I got energy.

00:53:38.000 I don't need to fucking rely on this brown liquid. 1.00

00:53:40.000 And then one day I was hungover and I said, fuck it. 1.00

00:53:42.000 And I've never gone back. 1.00

00:53:44.000 And now if I don't drink, I get a headache.

00:53:46.000 Oh, you're hooked.

00:53:48.000 It's got a hold on.

00:53:48.000 I'm sure you do too, but you just probably drink so much you don't get the headache.

00:53:51.000 I just keep drinking it.

00:53:52.000 Yeah.

00:53:53.000 It's available.

00:53:53.000 You can get it everywhere.

00:53:54.000 I know, and it's very good.

00:53:56.000 BlackRifalCoffee.com This is good stuff. 0.99

00:53:58.000 I'm drinking the Keurig dog shit at home. 1.00

00:54:00.000 This is the real shit. 1.00

00:54:01.000 I don't know what version of Black Rifle this is. 1.00

00:54:04.000 It tastes like it's Ethiopian.

00:54:05.000 Oh, jeez, you know your coffee countries, huh?

00:54:09.000 Well, Ethiopian has, it's got like a kind of lemony flavor to it.

00:54:15.000 That's where all coffee originated.

00:54:17.000 Ah!

00:54:18.000 Yeah, a little tidbit I learned from Peter Giuliano, who's a coffee expert who was on the podcast many, many years ago, but all of it came out of Ethiopia.

00:54:27.000 Then they started planting it in Colombia and all those places.

00:54:30.000 Right.

00:54:30.000 Well, what's up with energy drinks?

00:54:31.000 Who are these idiots? 1.00

00:54:33.000 I mean, like, I see some 14-year-old kid drinking a Monster. 1.00

00:54:36.000 I'm like, what are you doing?

00:54:37.000 You're 14. You need that?

00:54:39.000 They taste good.

00:54:40.000 Oh, I disagree.

00:54:42.000 Monster, Diet Monster, those white cans.

00:54:44.000 There's a diet one now?

00:54:45.000 I drink it all the time at the UFC. I love the guy who's like, I need this shitty elixir to fuel me, but he's like, I gotta watch my weight, too.

00:54:52.000 He's like drinking poison. 0.97

00:54:53.000 You still want sugar.

00:54:54.000 Oh, all right.

00:54:55.000 You want the speed, but you don't want the sugar.

00:54:57.000 I just died. 0.95

00:54:58.000 It looks like piss coming out of there and it tastes all chemically.

00:55:01.000 I don't know what I'm drinking.

00:55:03.000 I don't know.

00:55:04.000 I understand what you're saying.

00:55:05.000 I respectfully disagree. 1.00

00:55:07.000 Those white, cold monsters, those diet monsters, I fucking like them. 1.00

00:55:10.000 They're not good for you. 1.00

00:55:12.000 It's not like something you should drink all the time.

00:55:13.000 It can't be good for you.

00:55:15.000 Can't be good.

00:55:15.000 I mean, there's a bunch of stuff.

00:55:16.000 It's like Diet Coke.

00:55:17.000 That's not good for you all the time.

00:55:19.000 But occasionally, I like a Diet Coke.

00:55:21.000 They say it's worse for you than regular Coke. 1.00

00:55:23.000 Yeah, I've heard it actually does something to fuck with your mind. 0.99

00:55:26.000 Your mind thinks you're taking in sugar. 0.99

00:55:28.000 Oh.

00:55:29.000 Yeah, and then there's weird chemicals that really probably shouldn't have been passed.

00:55:32.000 Right.

00:55:32.000 And they were made legal anyway.

00:55:34.000 Like, well, you need a lot to kill you. 1.00

00:55:36.000 Sell it! 1.00

00:55:37.000 Yeah.

00:55:38.000 They think it killed Tammy Faye Baker.

00:55:39.000 What?

00:55:40.000 TFB? That bitch. 1.00

00:55:42.000 Sorry. 1.00

00:55:43.000 That lady. 1.00

00:55:44.000 I say that too much.

00:55:46.000 Like, people don't know.

00:55:46.000 They don't know I'm joking around.

00:55:48.000 I know. 1.00

00:55:48.000 Like, that bitch is crazy. 1.00

00:55:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:49.000 Like, no, I don't mean that. 1.00

00:55:50.000 It's like, it's an expression.

00:55:52.000 Yeah.

00:55:53.000 Tammy Faye Baker apparently drank... 1.00

00:55:55.000 She did the makeup? 0.99

00:55:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:55:56.000 She was way back in the day when Jim Baker was with Jessica Hahn and the Sam Kinison love triangle.

00:56:02.000 Remember all that?

00:56:03.000 Oh, that's right. 0.99

00:56:04.000 That was some 90s shit. 0.99

00:56:06.000 Yeah, it was back in the day, son. 0.99

00:56:07.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.97

00:56:08.000 But she apparently drank just fucking pounded Diet Coke all day and then got cancer and died. 1.00

00:56:13.000 And everybody's like, it's a Diet Coke. 0.99

00:56:15.000 Oh, look at that.

00:56:16.000 Get it!

00:56:17.000 Get Diet Coke!

00:56:18.000 I don't want to speak out of school, but Colin Quinn got real sick, and he drinks Diet Coke.

00:56:23.000 It's got like a vein thing going on.

00:56:25.000 What do you call that?

00:56:26.000 SUV? What is that thing?

00:56:27.000 What is that called?

00:56:28.000 A stent?

00:56:29.000 No, it's a...

00:56:31.000 Varicose vein?

00:56:32.000 ICU? The thing, the bag with the hose.

00:56:35.000 IV? IV! Thank you, we got there.

00:56:38.000 See, we're on the same wavelength there.

00:56:40.000 You gotta get an IV for...

00:56:42.000 I'm just saying he drinks so much Coke, it was like an IV. Oh.

00:56:45.000 Like, he sits down at the cellar and they hand him a Diet Coke.

00:56:47.000 That's where he was at with it. 0.99

00:56:48.000 And he got fucked up from it. 0.96

00:56:51.000 Do you think that's what get him in? 0.99

00:56:53.000 I think that's part of it.

00:56:54.000 I don't want to go into his whole health world.

00:56:57.000 Is he on that New York City pizza diet?

00:56:59.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:56:59.000 He eats like a six-year-old retarded kid at a swim party. 0.99

00:57:03.000 And, you know, it's like wings and all this horrible shit. 1.00

00:57:06.000 And, you know, we're getting older. 0.99

00:57:07.000 You got to cut it out.

00:57:08.000 Yeah, you got it.

00:57:09.000 You can have that stuff in moderation, but it should be the exception, not the rule.

00:57:15.000 What's up, Daniel?

00:57:15.000 I read an article about her interview where she said this is her quote, what she was doing for breakfast.

00:57:20.000 It's on the screen.

00:57:21.000 Oh, Faye Bake?

00:57:22.000 I'm sitting here eating a Nestle's Crunch for breakfast.

00:57:25.000 I feel it's a good breakfast because it has Rice Krispies in it, and I'm also drinking a Diet Coke.

00:57:32.000 Well, first of all, she's probably high.

00:57:35.000 Let's be honest.

00:57:37.000 No doubt about it.

00:57:38.000 You know that lady was probably on some pills. 1.00

00:57:39.000 They probably juiced her up with Valium. 1.00

00:57:41.000 It said that she picked up the Diet Coke when she kicked the prescription pill issue.

00:57:44.000 Kicked.

00:57:45.000 Air quote, kicked.

00:57:47.000 Yeah.

00:57:47.000 They took her off one, put her on something else.

00:57:50.000 It's hilarious when you hear what they fed these actresses back in the 40s. 0.99

00:57:54.000 F! Well, it was like cigarettes, coffee, and like broth water.

00:57:58.000 You know, for the Dorothy from Wizard of Oz lady?

00:58:01.000 What's her name?

00:58:02.000 She died on a boat with the other guy.

00:58:06.000 That's the one!

00:58:07.000 She died on a boat?

00:58:08.000 No, who am I thinking of?

00:58:09.000 Natalie Wood.

00:58:10.000 Natalie Wood.

00:58:10.000 Yeah.

00:58:11.000 She also just ate air, salads, and smoked cigarettes.

00:58:15.000 That was their whole diet.

00:58:16.000 This is the saddest thing that...

00:58:18.000 We're good to go.

00:58:43.000 Well, some people are skinny because they're healthy, and they exercise a lot, and they have a fast metabolism, and that's their body type.

00:58:50.000 But some people are starving themselves, and there's a difference.

00:58:53.000 The girls who are starving themselves want to be like that other body type, but they're just not. 1.00

00:59:00.000 So there's this weird thing going on where you're just killing yourself to look like that.

00:59:04.000 I think black people had a big change in that. 0.88

00:59:07.000 With the... 0.98

00:59:08.000 Well, with the thickness and the butts.

00:59:10.000 Butts were...

00:59:11.000 Nobody's talking about butts in the 80s.

00:59:13.000 True. 1.00

00:59:13.000 And then black people came in, they're like, we like asses. 1.00

00:59:16.000 And I cannot lie. 1.00

00:59:17.000 We went to a weird place when they figured out how to do butt implants, though.

00:59:20.000 That's no good.

00:59:21.000 Don't like the butt implants. 0.67

00:59:23.000 They went to a weird place when they figured that out. 0.90

00:59:26.000 When people figured out how to give people with skinny legs big butts, it's like, whoa. 0.52

00:59:30.000 I know.

00:59:31.000 And they're chunky, and they're bouncing in the wrong way, and if you see different lumps, it's bad.

00:59:37.000 Brazil's all into this. 0.81

00:59:37.000 What did you guess the first breast implants were? 0.81

00:59:39.000 Where?

00:59:40.000 When.

00:59:40.000 When?

00:59:41.000 Yeah.

00:59:42.000 21. 1921. There was a TV show on it starring the dude from Friends.

00:59:46.000 Breast Men. 0.94

00:59:47.000 Yeah.

00:59:48.000 David Schwimmer?

00:59:49.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:59:50.000 I jerked off to that. 0.94

00:59:51.000 I think we all did. 1.00

00:59:53.000 Did you jerk off to that? 1.00

00:59:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:59:54.000 Way before that.

00:59:55.000 Really?

00:59:55.000 Yeah.

00:59:56.000 1921, I'm saying.

00:59:57.000 All right, let me guess.

00:59:57.000 Let me guess.

00:59:58.000 I'm going to say 1950. It says they've been around since the 1890s.

01:00:03.000 What?

01:00:04.000 And the first butt implant was 1969. What?

01:00:07.000 Yeah.

01:00:08.000 What?

01:00:09.000 Yeah.

01:00:09.000 The 1890s?

01:00:11.000 I'm gonna look it up.

01:00:11.000 There was this one dude who won Fear Factor.

01:00:14.000 Mm-hmm.

01:00:15.000 And he was torturing this other guy that was competing against him.

01:00:22.000 The other guy...

01:00:24.000 I don't know if he was really homophobic or they were just joking around.

01:00:27.000 I don't know. 0.89

01:00:28.000 But anyway, at the end of the show, the dude told the other guy he was going to spend all the money on butt implants. 0.99

01:00:34.000 Because the gay guy won. 0.99

01:00:36.000 And he told him, he goes, I'm going to get my butt implanted now. 1.00

01:00:39.000 And you can see the guy just defeated. 0.96

01:00:41.000 Just thinking, I would have had so many good uses for that money. 0.98

01:00:44.000 Now this guy is just going to get his butt bigger. 1.00

01:00:46.000 What an idiot. 1.00

01:00:47.000 Also, if he was a bottom, wouldn't that hurt that you'd lose some inches? 1.00

01:00:51.000 Maybe he's not a bottom.

01:00:52.000 Oh, there you go.

01:00:53.000 Maybe he just likes to have a lot of pushing for the cushion. 1.00

01:00:56.000 Not all gay guys fuck in the ass. 1.00

01:00:58.000 They actually get upset about that rumor or that myth. 1.00

01:01:02.000 Oh yeah? 0.93

01:01:02.000 Yeah, my friend's gay. 0.93

01:01:03.000 He's like, we don't all fuck this. 1.00

01:01:04.000 Enough with the ass fucking jokes. 1.00

01:01:06.000 We don't all do that. 1.00

01:01:07.000 I was like, oh, alright.

01:01:07.000 I didn't know.

01:01:08.000 Yeah.

01:01:08.000 A guy and his husband or boyfriend in Connecticut once came up to me after a show and made a point of telling me that.

01:01:15.000 Oh, there you go.

01:01:16.000 You see?

01:01:16.000 I'm not looking for facts.

01:01:19.000 I'm trying to be funny up here.

01:01:20.000 And some people do do it.

01:01:22.000 You call us breeders.

01:01:23.000 A lot of people don't have kids.

01:01:25.000 That's true.

01:01:26.000 Good point.

01:01:27.000 But breeders doesn't have any sting to it.

01:01:29.000 No, it's hilarious.

01:01:30.000 Yeah.

01:01:31.000 What are you out there, breeding?

01:01:32.000 Yeah.

01:01:33.000 It doesn't work.

01:01:34.000 It's like a wisp.

01:01:35.000 Yeah.

01:01:36.000 It's like a mist.

01:01:37.000 It's like honky.

01:01:37.000 Yeah.

01:01:38.000 Right over.

01:01:39.000 Nothing.

01:01:40.000 Although...

01:01:40.000 So that movie was the introduction of the silicone sacks.

01:01:45.000 Ah, that was a game changer.

01:01:47.000 Before that, they were using...

01:01:49.000 This says it goes back even further, but the 1890s, they were using paraffin wax.

01:01:55.000 Wow!

01:01:57.000 And then up until even the 1950s, they were using a sponge.

01:02:02.000 So in the 1890s, when they were using paraffin wax, they probably had no anesthesia.

01:02:07.000 Did they have anesthesia then?

01:02:09.000 Like, when did they invent anesthesia?

01:02:11.000 It just says they're injecting it directly into the breast to make them bigger.

01:02:14.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:02:14.000 They used whiskey and shit and he bit down on a belt. 1.00

01:02:17.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:02:19.000 Ladies, imagine how much you love dick. 1.00

01:02:21.000 You're like, there's gotta be a way to get more dick. 1.00

01:02:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:24.000 I have an idea.

01:02:26.000 Yeah.

01:02:26.000 See that wax?

01:02:27.000 The candle wax?

01:02:28.000 Yeah.

01:02:28.000 What would happen?

01:02:30.000 This even says there was a small time period when women were trying to make their breasts look smaller, and I don't know when that was.

01:02:36.000 That's what's interesting about fashion.

01:02:37.000 It all comes and goes.

01:02:39.000 Maybe that was during the Rubenesque days.

01:02:42.000 Well, then it says Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell, never heard of her, were the ones that paved the way to make them look bigger again.

01:02:48.000 So that would have been...

01:02:49.000 What?

01:02:50.000 Huge cans on Marilyn.

01:02:51.000 How did people forget? 1.00

01:02:52.000 They forget they like big tits? 1.00

01:02:54.000 They didn't have a lot of pictures, I guess. 0.99

01:02:55.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:02:57.000 People are so busy starving to death, like, oh, just get back to the mines.

01:03:01.000 Right, exactly.

01:03:02.000 You gotta go to the mill.

01:03:03.000 What good is a big tit gonna do me?

01:03:05.000 I need coal. 1.00

01:03:06.000 I need to get more coal out of this fucking mine. 0.99

01:03:09.000 Can you imagine how pent-up dudes must have been in the 40s or 30s? 0.99

01:03:13.000 I mean, first of all, you look at a pin-up and they're all creaming themselves, but like...

01:03:17.000 We all look at porn so much.

01:03:18.000 It's so accessible.

01:03:19.000 There's women walking around with nothing on now. 1.00

01:03:22.000 Back then, you couldn't look at porn. 1.00

01:03:24.000 You just had to imagine shit. 1.00

01:03:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:27.000 That's crazy. 0.98

01:03:28.000 And masturbation was greatly discouraged. 0.98

01:03:30.000 That's right. 0.99

01:03:31.000 You were taught that you were going to be... 1.00

01:03:33.000 You're a bad person. 0.99

01:03:35.000 You're going to go blind. 0.99

01:03:36.000 Ari told me that when he was in...

01:03:40.000 He went to some serious religious Hebrew school in Israel where it was studying the Torah 10 hours a day.

01:03:50.000 He told me that they taught him... 0.99

01:03:53.000 That when you're masturbating, you're making a demon in hell. 1.00

01:03:58.000 Wow. 1.00

01:03:59.000 Like in another dimension. 1.00

01:04:01.000 Like you're having sex with a demon and creating some evil entity in another world. 0.99

01:04:09.000 I'm like, what? 1.00

01:04:10.000 Who's the weirdo here? 0.99

01:04:11.000 I'm just jerking off. 1.00

01:04:12.000 You're making up jerk-off tales. 1.00

01:04:14.000 They want you working. 0.64

01:04:15.000 Because back when they wrote that rule, people were starving to death.

01:04:20.000 People needed to go gather food.

01:04:21.000 Right.

01:04:21.000 People needed to fight off the enemy.

01:04:23.000 You know, there was marching soldiers coming over the hill.

01:04:26.000 You could see them coming.

01:04:27.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:04:28.000 So they're like, stop jerking off. 1.00

01:04:30.000 You're making demons in another dimension. 1.00

01:04:32.000 Like... 1.00

01:04:32.000 Oh no, you're the reason why our town is burning, because you were jerking off. 1.00

01:04:38.000 People believed that back then. 1.00

01:04:40.000 Totally.

01:04:41.000 And you know how boxers don't jerk off to get tougher or whatever?

01:04:44.000 So imagine how tough and how much testosterone you had because you weren't jerking it.

01:04:48.000 Mike Tyson never did that.

01:04:50.000 Oh, really?

01:04:50.000 He jerked.

01:04:51.000 And he was the most ferocious of all time.

01:04:53.000 Good point.

01:04:54.000 He's like, I don't want that kind of distraction.

01:04:56.000 Yeah, I'm with him.

01:04:57.000 It was distracting.

01:04:58.000 He wanted to relax.

01:04:59.000 I'm the same. 0.99

01:05:00.000 So he would relax by having sex. 0.98

01:05:01.000 Yeah, but it says it builds your testosterone if you don't explode. 0.94

01:05:04.000 I think he had enough.

01:05:05.000 Yeah.

01:05:06.000 I'm just going to go out on a limb.

01:05:07.000 I think he was okay in that department.

01:05:08.000 He was knocking out old ladies in the 80s. 0.97

01:05:10.000 Pfft! 0.63

01:05:11.000 I mean, imagine seeing that guy in Brooklyn in 84. Oh my god.

01:05:15.000 No shirt on, walking down the street with a tiger.

01:05:18.000 A couple pigeons on his shoulder.

01:05:21.000 Yeah, terrifying.

01:05:22.000 I've told this story before, but I'll tell it to you.

01:05:24.000 He's the reason why this table's this wide.

01:05:26.000 Oh, you were just nervous?

01:05:27.000 This table, I was going to make it more narrow.

01:05:30.000 I even had a smaller table that we were working with as a guide, and then we were still doing the shows back in LA when we were setting up this studio.

01:05:37.000 I did an interview with Tyson, and he was so amped up for this Roy Jones fight that I got nervous to be in the room.

01:05:42.000 I'm like, I like that extra six inches of space between us because he was so ramped up.

01:05:48.000 Oh, man.

01:05:49.000 When he left, Jamie goes, that's a totally different person.

01:05:52.000 Yeah.

01:05:53.000 Because he went from being Mike Tyson, pot grower, not working out at all, to getting ready to go to combat again. 0.98

01:05:59.000 Getting ready to fucking throw hands. 0.96

01:06:01.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:06:02.000 He was so amped up. 1.00

01:06:04.000 And we've all watched the video where he calls that photographer out, and he's like, I'll fucking eat your ass, you bitch, I'll make you love me! 1.00

01:06:11.000 Yeah, I watched that, I'm like, ah! 1.00

01:06:13.000 He said, I'll fuck you until you love me. 1.00

01:06:15.000 Wow, where does that come from? 1.00

01:06:16.000 That's an inner demon. 1.00

01:06:17.000 That's letting a dude know he's gonna be fucking him for a long time. 1.00

01:06:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:22.000 But it's a weird jump, because he's not actually gonna fuck the guy, he's gonna beat the shit out of him. 1.00

01:06:25.000 He might. 1.00

01:06:27.000 He might.

01:06:28.000 If he decides to, that's his call.

01:06:30.000 That's what it is.

01:06:32.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

01:06:33.000 Domination. 1.00

01:06:33.000 When he's yelling that at you, he's letting you know, if I decide to, I'll fuck you until you love me. 1.00

01:06:39.000 That is one of the deepest, darkest things a person's ever said to somebody. 1.00

01:06:43.000 That haunts me at night.

01:06:44.000 Terrifying.

01:06:46.000 Plus, back then, he was in his prime.

01:06:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:50.000 That was post-prison.

01:06:53.000 I think that was the Lennox Lewis fight.

01:06:57.000 I think he did.

01:07:12.000 I don't know.

01:07:13.000 It's just amazing that there's people on this planet who are like, oh, I'll fight that guy. 0.98

01:07:17.000 They're looking at video footage of this fucking killer, and they're like, yeah, I'll take him. 1.00

01:07:21.000 There's a lot of killers out there. 1.00

01:07:23.000 I know.

01:07:23.000 They always want to be the man who beats the man.

01:07:26.000 That's what it is.

01:07:26.000 That gives me hope.

01:07:27.000 I know we call it toxic masculinity or whatever the hell, evil men, but it's amazing that somebody would want to go toe-to-toe with this thing. 1.00

01:07:35.000 Fucking monster. 1.00

01:07:36.000 What is this about? 1.00

01:07:37.000 This is a different thing.

01:07:37.000 I know it is.

01:07:38.000 This is how I'll eat your children. 1.00

01:07:39.000 Oh, this is a different one.

01:07:40.000 Yeah, play this. 0.96

01:07:41.000 I'll eat your children. 1.00

01:07:42.000 Play this. 0.99

01:07:47.000 J-Mo. 0.90

01:07:48.000 Jamie.

01:07:48.000 The COVID has really hurt you, I think.

01:07:51.000 It's a mess.

01:07:51.000 You've been slacking since.

01:07:52.000 Yeah.

01:07:53.000 I don't know.

01:07:53.000 Something's wrong.

01:07:54.000 By the way, quite a hog on J-Mo. 0.56

01:07:56.000 I saw it in the sweatpants.

01:07:57.000 Yeah.

01:07:58.000 Quite a piece you got there.

01:07:59.000 There you go.

01:08:00.000 Man, he's not denying it either.

01:08:03.000 He's smiling.

01:08:04.000 He's all red now.

01:08:05.000 Look!

01:08:05.000 Oh my god!

01:08:06.000 You look like the wolves!

01:08:08.000 No!

01:08:09.000 Get it out there! 0.91

01:08:09.000 Get it out! 0.91

01:08:10.000 Tell the fans! 0.82

01:08:11.000 Imagine if they come up with a hog implant that's like a legitimate, legitimate, like good to go, everyone universally accepted the way fake boobs are accepted. 1.00

01:08:21.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:08:21.000 Because fake boobs are basically... 0.96

01:08:23.000 Normal. 1.00

01:08:24.000 No one says, listen, you've got a great personality, but this is bullshit. 1.00

01:08:28.000 Girls in high school are doing that shit. 1.00

01:08:29.000 Oh! 1.00

01:08:29.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:08:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:08:31.000 Is that legal?

01:08:32.000 How is that legal?

01:08:32.000 Well, you know, you hit 18 or whatever.

01:08:34.000 Oh, God.

01:08:36.000 But yeah, it's...

01:08:37.000 I feel like it should be 21 before you do something like that.

01:08:39.000 Yeah, but man, would I kill for a huge dong?

01:08:42.000 How big would you want that? 1.00

01:08:43.000 Well, there's rumors about your cock and balls there, but... 1.00

01:08:48.000 I used to have a bit about big dick pills. 1.00

01:08:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:08:51.000 If there was big dick pills, it would take about 30 seconds before the first guy die of an overdose. 0.99

01:08:56.000 No one's going to take just one. 0.99

01:08:57.000 If a pill makes your dick bigger, we'd be thinking, like, how many do I take before I get a stroke? 1.00

01:09:02.000 Give me one less of that, and let's fucking do this. 1.00

01:09:05.000 It would change the shape of vaginas, because there would be no regular dicks anymore. 1.00

01:09:09.000 There we go. 1.00

01:09:10.000 Taking the big dicks. 0.98

01:09:11.000 ...with Mike Tyson, who's standing by with Jim Gray. 0.97

01:09:13.000 Jim?

01:09:14.000 Yeah.

01:09:15.000 Okay, thank you, Steve.

01:09:16.000 Mike, was that your shortest fight ever?

01:09:18.000 I'll be here to see you.

01:09:28.000 I love you with all my heart.

01:09:30.000 All praise be to my children.

01:09:31.000 I love you.

01:09:32.000 Oh, God, amen.

01:09:34.000 What?

01:09:35.000 Is this your shortest fight ever?

01:09:37.000 In any time, amateur, professional ever?

01:09:39.000 That's Jim Gray hanging in there.

01:09:40.000 Yeah.

01:09:44.000 I don't know, man.

01:09:46.000 Yeah, yeah, Lennox Lewis, Lennox, I'm coming for you.

01:09:49.000 Mike, is it frustrating to train like you did and then have this in seven or eight seconds?

01:09:53.000 I only trained probably two weeks or three weeks for this fight.

01:09:57.000 I had to bury my best friend.

01:09:59.000 And I dedicated this fight.

01:10:00.000 I wasn't going to fight.

01:10:01.000 I dedicated this fight to him. 0.99

01:10:02.000 I was going to rip his heart out.

01:10:04.000 I'm the best ever. 0.81

01:10:05.000 I'm the most brutal and vicious and most ruthless champion there's ever been.

01:10:08.000 There's no one can stop me.

01:10:09.000 Lynx is a conqueror.

01:10:10.000 No, I'm Alexander.

01:10:11.000 He's no Alexander.

01:10:13.000 I'm the best ever.

01:10:14.000 There's never been anybody as ruthless.

01:10:15.000 I'm Sonny Liston.

01:10:16.000 I'm Jack Dempsey.

01:10:17.000 There's no one like me.

01:10:18.000 I'm from Nairclaw.

01:10:19.000 There's no one that can match me.

01:10:20.000 My style is impetuous.

01:10:22.000 My defense is impregnable.

01:10:23.000 And I'm just ferocious.

01:10:25.000 I want your heart. 1.00

01:10:26.000 I want to eat his children.

01:10:27.000 Praise be to Allah.

01:10:28.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:10:30.000 That's the craziest post-fight speech of all time.

01:10:35.000 There is no second place.

01:10:37.000 No, he's got great writers. 1.00

01:10:39.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:10:40.000 And even the way my style's impetuous, my defense is impregnable. 0.99

01:10:44.000 It was just, bam, I'm Sonny Liston, I'm Jack Dempsey, I'm from their cloth.

01:10:49.000 Woo! 0.99

01:10:50.000 He got to there from the easiest question.

01:10:52.000 It was a yes or no question.

01:10:53.000 Is this the shortest fight?

01:10:55.000 All he had to say was, yep or nah.

01:10:57.000 And he just went all the way to left field.

01:10:59.000 That was amazing.

01:11:00.000 Yeah, that was heavy.

01:11:01.000 That was heavy.

01:11:02.000 I mean, could you be in his entourage?

01:11:04.000 Because he seems like a guy who could just flip on a dime and you're just like, hey, you want the Funyuns? 1.00

01:11:08.000 I'll fucking kill you! 1.00

01:11:09.000 You're like, oh shit, I'm sorry! 1.00

01:11:11.000 We've been best friends for 30 years. 0.99

01:11:12.000 Yeah, I don't know if he would be like that.

01:11:14.000 When I've met him, he's been very nice and very friendly to everybody. 0.58

01:11:17.000 But I think when you're a dude that's that fucking driven and that maniacal when you're at your best, you've got to realize throughout his life, all of his great success came from his ability to be ferocious. 0.95

01:11:33.000 All of it. 0.98

01:11:34.000 Right.

01:11:34.000 I mean, the whole success of his fighting career came from his skill, his technique, and his ability in the heat of the moment to be ferocious.

01:11:43.000 Yeah.

01:11:43.000 So he was just geared up for that.

01:11:45.000 I know, but...

01:11:45.000 There it is, right?

01:11:46.000 This is the brawl.

01:11:46.000 This is the other one, though.

01:11:47.000 The brawl. 1.00

01:11:48.000 Fuck it till you love me. 1.00

01:11:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:50.000 Oh, God.

01:11:51.000 That guy must have been trembling.

01:11:54.000 I can't tell you that. 1.00

01:11:55.000 I'll fuck you, you ass. 1.00

01:11:56.000 Don't fight, boy. 1.00

01:11:57.000 I can't tell you that.

01:12:03.000 I'll eat. 1.00

01:12:05.000 I'll make a fucking ass dress. 1.00

01:12:13.000 Heavy. 1.00

01:12:14.000 I mean, how do you go back to the green room with that guy?

01:12:16.000 You go, you're right, Mike.

01:12:20.000 Yeah.

01:12:21.000 Good point.

01:12:22.000 Well said.

01:12:23.000 Well said.

01:12:24.000 I think you did everything perfect.

01:12:26.000 Let's get out of here. 0.98

01:12:27.000 If I was that punk-ass white boy, I would have been running out the fire exit. 0.93

01:12:31.000 That guy still to this day, if he's still alive, probably wakes up in the middle of the night. 0.95

01:12:35.000 Jesus!

01:12:36.000 He's thinking of Mike Tyson over his bed.

01:12:38.000 Oh, I love you, I love you. 0.99

01:12:39.000 Punching him in the face. 1.00

01:12:41.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:12:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:12:42.000 But again, in the context of a regular life, that is outrageous behavior that you would never expect from anybody. 0.99

01:12:50.000 But in the context of a life where you're rewarded for being the most ferocious...

01:12:57.000 And you're ruthlessly successful at doing that.

01:13:01.000 Like, that is normal.

01:13:03.000 Yeah.

01:13:03.000 Like, you look at his fights, the stoppage of Trevor Burbick to win the title, you look at his destruction of Tyrell Biggs and Marvis Frazier, and you go through his career, and of course he's got that in him.

01:13:17.000 I know.

01:13:18.000 That's how he can turn it on.

01:13:19.000 But that feels like more.

01:13:20.000 There's more there.

01:13:21.000 That's why he's one of the greatest to ever lace up the gloves.

01:13:24.000 But it seems like there was some real trauma, like something we don't know about.

01:13:28.000 100%.

01:13:28.000 He talked about that trauma, but that trauma is also what motivated him to be so great.

01:13:34.000 See, the thing about a guy like him is you can't get there any other way.

01:13:40.000 It wasn't that it was just skillful and just competitive and just...

01:13:47.000 He's unbelievably technically proficient in the art of smashing people with your fists.

01:13:51.000 He also had an extra gear that other people didn't have.

01:13:56.000 And he was even hypnotized when he was a young boy.

01:13:59.000 Really?

01:14:00.000 Yeah, Customato.

01:14:01.000 He was telling me the whole story of it on the podcast that Customato took him when he was a young boy.

01:14:06.000 You've got to realize he's like 13 years old.

01:14:08.000 He gets adopted by one of the greatest minds in the history of boxing.

01:14:12.000 Right.

01:14:12.000 Customato, he was a hypnotist.

01:14:15.000 He really understood psychology, like, deeply.

01:14:18.000 And he was one of the great boxing trainers.

01:14:20.000 He trained Floyd Patterson, Jose Torres, like, world champions.

01:14:25.000 He was in the game forever.

01:14:27.000 Yeah.

01:14:27.000 And he was always looking for that one great fighter, and he found it in this 13-year-old kid, and he knew right away.

01:14:33.000 Because this 13-year-old kid was 190 pounds.

01:14:36.000 13. Yeah.

01:14:37.000 190. Jacked.

01:14:38.000 At 13. That's great.

01:14:40.000 That's more than me.

01:14:40.000 And just had incredible natural ability and drive and was getting praised for doing something finally.

01:14:47.000 Whereas all of his life he's getting shit on and dismissed and locked in jail and all this different stuff. 0.92

01:14:52.000 Now all of a sudden he's getting praised for it and then he's getting hypnotized. 0.99

01:14:57.000 He's getting hypnotized by this guy who's telling him, you don't exist.

01:15:00.000 Only the task exists.

01:15:02.000 Don't fill your mind with thoughts of yourself, and good or bad, or I'm a bad person, I'm a good person.

01:15:07.000 You don't exist.

01:15:09.000 You are the task, and you move forward, and you attack.

01:15:12.000 Yeah, Jesus.

01:15:13.000 When he was saying that you don't exist, like think about just the task exists.

01:15:18.000 So he's got him so focused on going out there and attacking that person. 0.98

01:15:23.000 The other person has all these doubts and fears and this and that, all this shit in their mind, but he's trained to think. 0.99

01:15:29.000 Like a locomotion. 0.99

01:15:31.000 Just a train.

01:15:32.000 Yeah.

01:15:32.000 Just coming at you.

01:15:33.000 You're not going to stop him.

01:15:35.000 He's just going to figure out...

01:15:36.000 He's not filled with self-doubt.

01:15:38.000 He's filled with confidence. 0.98

01:15:39.000 He's filled with knowing at the end of him smash you in the face. 0.98

01:15:43.000 You're going to be lying on your back. 0.76

01:15:44.000 And he's going to get that amazing good feeling that he gets every time he does this.

01:15:47.000 Right.

01:15:47.000 So every time he smashes people, he gets this incredible feeling.

01:15:50.000 So he's dedicated.

01:15:51.000 Just like we were talking about Lazy Comics.

01:15:53.000 That Lazy Comics can become like actually disciplined when they want to get their act together to do stand-up.

01:15:59.000 A fighter is so motivated by that great feeling...

01:16:03.000 Of winning.

01:16:04.000 Of winning.

01:16:04.000 That you just become, the more you feel it, the more you want it, and the more disciplined you get, and the more you drive towards it.

01:16:12.000 And that was him. 0.99

01:16:13.000 I know, plus then you had that guy with all that hypnotic shit, and then fame, and then money. 0.99

01:16:18.000 I mean, that's a bad gumbo. 1.00

01:16:21.000 It's a bad gumbo.

01:16:22.000 And look what happened.

01:16:23.000 Well, he's okay now.

01:16:25.000 He came out on the other side an interesting person.

01:16:28.000 He really did.

01:16:29.000 That's true.

01:16:29.000 A lot of people don't come out of it.

01:16:31.000 Particularly before the fight.

01:16:34.000 Before he had signed on to the fight, the first time I met him and talked to him.

01:16:37.000 I met him before the UFC, but the first time I talked to him on the podcast.

01:16:40.000 He was an interesting guy.

01:16:42.000 He's a very thoughtful person.

01:16:44.000 He thinks a lot about things.

01:16:46.000 But then he's got that switch.

01:16:48.000 And he turned that switch on before the Roy Jones fight.

01:16:51.000 You can tell.

01:16:52.000 Which I think he won.

01:16:54.000 Yeah, if it was a decision, for sure.

01:16:57.000 But there was no decisions.

01:16:58.000 I was trying to see if anybody knew who Mike was yelling at in the crowd there.

01:17:03.000 So I googled and look who was in the crowd.

01:17:06.000 Doing a special report. 1.00

01:17:07.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

01:17:09.000 He was doing it for the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. 1.00

01:17:11.000 He's like a whole week of shit there. 1.00

01:17:13.000 Oh my god, good eye, Jaymo! 1.00

01:17:15.000 Talking to tons of people.

01:17:17.000 Look how skinny Dave is.

01:17:18.000 What a gig!

01:17:19.000 It's a young, young Dave.

01:17:20.000 You gotta bring this up when you see him tonight.

01:17:22.000 This is amazing.

01:17:23.000 I don't think there's a part where he's talking to Mike here, at least, but...

01:17:25.000 Probably for safety. 0.98

01:17:27.000 He may or may not have been the guy who's fucking yelling that. 1.00

01:17:29.000 No, he's a white boy. 1.00

01:17:31.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

01:17:32.000 Dave would never yell out a stupid... 1.00

01:17:34.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:17:35.000 There's a joke online.

01:17:36.000 He was yelling at Jim Brewer.

01:17:37.000 That's amazing.

01:17:38.000 That's amazing.

01:17:39.000 A lot of people are listening.

01:17:41.000 They're like, who are you talking about?

01:17:42.000 Dave Chappelle.

01:17:42.000 Right, right.

01:17:43.000 A skinny, young, goofball Dave Chappelle.

01:17:46.000 And they're playing rock, paper, scissors.

01:17:48.000 He just jacked Lennox Lewis rock, paper, scissors.

01:17:51.000 I got the chance.

01:17:52.000 Remember you were a young comic?

01:17:53.000 You'd take these weird gigs?

01:17:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:17:57.000 East Coast bitch! 1.00

01:17:59.000 That is hilarious. 1.00

01:18:00.000 Wow!

01:18:01.000 You forget the body of work.

01:18:02.000 People have just done so much in showbiz.

01:18:05.000 George Foreman.

01:18:06.000 Oh wow! 1.00

01:18:07.000 Look at the size of Foreman's fucking hands. 1.00

01:18:10.000 Oh yeah. 1.00

01:18:10.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:18:11.000 What year are we at here?

01:18:13.000 2002 it says.

01:18:15.000 2002?

01:18:15.000 2002, George was still fighting, I think.

01:18:17.000 That can't be right.

01:18:18.000 Was he still fighting in 2002?

01:18:19.000 No.

01:18:20.000 No, he had already retired. 0.98

01:18:21.000 He probably retired like 99 or some shit, if I'm guessing. 0.88

01:18:27.000 Dave's hand's holding up just one of... 1.00

01:18:28.000 Look at the size of his fucking hand! 0.99

01:18:31.000 Look at that left hand in front of you. 1.00

01:18:32.000 George is known for having these gigantic canned hams for fists.

01:18:36.000 Oh, yeah.

01:18:38.000 You ever seen the documentary?

01:18:40.000 Is it King of Kings?

01:18:43.000 Yeah.

01:18:43.000 Or When They Were Kings?

01:18:44.000 When They Were Kings.

01:18:45.000 That is amazing.

01:18:46.000 That is amazing.

01:18:47.000 Zaire.

01:18:48.000 Yeah.

01:18:48.000 I would have loved...

01:18:50.000 It's interesting.

01:18:52.000 Fighters get defined by their era, right?

01:18:55.000 When George Foreman came up in the era of Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali, and those were his contemporaries, right?

01:19:00.000 But...

01:19:01.000 It would be so interesting.

01:19:03.000 It's impossible. 0.98

01:19:04.000 But if you could, if you had a time machine and you were just an asshole, and you're like, I could save the world and stop assassinations, or I could just take Mike Tyson from 1988 and bring him to the George Foreman When George was undefeated and he was the champion and matched them up. 0.97

01:19:26.000 If you could get together Sonny Liston and Lennox Lewis. 0.98

01:19:33.000 Just wild combinations.

01:19:36.000 It'd be funny to do that with old white baseball players and put them in now. 0.99

01:19:40.000 They'd fucking get dominated by some South American guy in two seconds. 0.99

01:19:46.000 Yeah, Babe Ruth with his hot dog stomach. 1.00

01:19:48.000 Like, I was like a god.

01:19:50.000 Yeah.

01:19:51.000 Isn't that weird, too?

01:19:52.000 Like, that fight, that Ali Frazier fight, or Foreman fight, was so big.

01:19:57.000 It was like an event.

01:19:58.000 It was like a world event.

01:19:59.000 I don't feel like we have that anymore.

01:20:01.000 We're so splintered now.

01:20:02.000 Yeah.

01:20:03.000 That, like, it's hard to get...

01:20:04.000 The only events are bad now.

01:20:06.000 It's like COVID. That's something we can all get behind.

01:20:09.000 Or maybe, like...

01:20:11.000 9-11.

01:20:12.000 The thing about it was that Muhammad Ali was different than just a fighter because he was a cultural figure.

01:20:19.000 He wasn't like anybody else in that he was a guy who stood up for the Vietnam War, stood up for the soldiers and said, I'm not going to fight.

01:20:27.000 He stood up against the Vietnam War, I should say.

01:20:29.000 They tried to draft him, tried to send him over there, and he's like, I'm not going to Vietnam.

01:20:33.000 And they took his title away because of it.

01:20:35.000 Yeah.

01:20:35.000 Yeah, it's like, no Viet Cong, no Vietnamese man ever did anything to me.

01:20:39.000 Like, I'm not doing this.

01:20:40.000 It's a good point.

01:20:40.000 And everyone agreed with him three years later, and we'll let him compete again.

01:20:44.000 But they took three years out of the prime of his career.

01:20:47.000 And so he became something that wasn't just a fighter.

01:20:52.000 He became this spokesperson for the people that felt like...

01:20:58.000 The government was doing something awful and terrible and he had the courage to lose his career and stand up for it.

01:21:05.000 For three years he had no income.

01:21:06.000 Three years, that's insane.

01:21:07.000 In his prime.

01:21:08.000 Yeah.

01:21:08.000 So he's at the peak of his abilities and they took three whole years away from him.

01:21:13.000 They did it to Elvis, too, but he went.

01:21:15.000 Elvis had to go to the Army.

01:21:18.000 Isn't that insane?

01:21:18.000 They made him go, and that'd be like, hey, Bieber, you gotta go to Iraq.

01:21:23.000 Sorry.

01:21:24.000 Bro, that'd be hilarious.

01:21:25.000 That would be great!

01:21:26.000 Seeing Bieber get a haircut, you know, and doing push-ups, getting yelled at by an old guy with a buzz cut.

01:21:30.000 I think Joe Louis, they made Joe Louis join the Army, too.

01:21:34.000 Yeah, you had to do it.

01:21:35.000 I mean, we bitch now about how things are.

01:21:37.000 Like, oh, listen to that. 0.97

01:21:39.000 LGBTQ, it's all unfair. 1.00

01:21:41.000 But then you're like, yeah, but they made you do shit. 1.00

01:21:43.000 Like, Lenny Bruce, we all bitch and moan, but we went to jail for saying cocksucker. 1.00

01:21:48.000 Many times. 1.00

01:21:48.000 Many times, yeah. 1.00

01:21:50.000 And they would wait for him in the back of the club, and then as soon as he said something wrong, they would run up on stage and handcuff him in front of the crowd.

01:21:57.000 Yeah.

01:21:57.000 You ever heard the story about him getting cuffed, throwing in the back cop car?

01:22:01.000 Carlin throwing in the back of the cop car?

01:22:03.000 Same car.

01:22:03.000 What?

01:22:04.000 That was his idol.

01:22:05.000 He was rioting or whatever.

01:22:07.000 Like, don't arrest him.

01:22:08.000 So they threw him in the car.

01:22:09.000 He's in the car with his hero in cuffs.

01:22:11.000 What a great deal.

01:22:12.000 Yeah, yeah, that's fun.

01:22:13.000 Best time getting arrested ever.

01:22:14.000 I know, right?

01:22:15.000 Yeah, those guys got arrested for stand-up.

01:22:19.000 They got arrested for the things that we take for granted.

01:22:21.000 I know, and now we arrest each other. 0.99

01:22:23.000 What the fuck are we doing? 0.97

01:22:24.000 It's true, like some L.A. queef is like, you shouldn't say that, and you're like, why are you yelling at me? 0.99

01:22:29.000 You're the cops now.

01:22:30.000 You want to be on that side?

01:22:31.000 It's not we, it's people that have lost their way.

01:22:34.000 They're not thinking about it correctly.

01:22:36.000 Or, you know, there was a lot of ones with Louis, in particular, where I was like, I know what's going on here.

01:22:42.000 You're jealous of that guy.

01:22:43.000 Like, what you're saying about him, about never being very talented, like, that's crazy.

01:22:48.000 You could say that you don't think what he did was right, but the way you're doing, you know, some people were, like, dismissing his talent.

01:22:55.000 Yeah, that's strange.

01:22:56.000 Like, you not.

01:22:57.000 This is not real.

01:22:59.000 This is not real.

01:23:00.000 No one agrees with you.

01:23:01.000 No one agrees with you.

01:23:02.000 And then you're like, well, why should I listen to other stuff if you're gonna say that?

01:23:04.000 Exactly.

01:23:05.000 You could say you don't like him.

01:23:07.000 You could say you don't like him as a person.

01:23:08.000 You could say whatever you want.

01:23:09.000 But as soon as you say, he's not talented.

01:23:12.000 I saw a lot of that, and I was like, oh, I see what's happening.

01:23:15.000 People are trying to redefine.

01:23:17.000 Yes, there's that weird pile-on that people do.

01:23:19.000 Like, oh, let's go harder, harder.

01:23:22.000 And it's kind of human nature. 0.99

01:23:24.000 It seems like when the king falls in the square, everybody's fucking going nuts. 1.00

01:23:29.000 Yeah, fuck that guy. 1.00

01:23:30.000 He was on the throne, and I live in shit. 1.00

01:23:32.000 Now he's going through hell? 1.00

01:23:33.000 I love it.

01:23:34.000 Yes, but it's never anyone good.

01:23:37.000 People that are really, truly great, they never pile on.

01:23:40.000 Yeah, yeah, that's true.

01:23:42.000 Again, it's the people that have a deficiency in their own career, or deficiency in their own act, or they're not happy with where they are, how it's worked out.

01:23:55.000 It's one thing if someone has done something horrific.

01:23:59.000 Yeah, Cosby.

01:24:00.000 We can all get behind.

01:24:02.000 Cosby.

01:24:02.000 100%.

01:24:02.000 Cosby's the best example.

01:24:04.000 Yeah.

01:24:04.000 Right?

01:24:05.000 Because there's no chance that it was just too many fucking cases. 0.99

01:24:10.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:24:10.000 It's insanity. 1.00

01:24:11.000 We're talking about like 50 cases.

01:24:12.000 There was a woman who was a prosecuting attorney who was doing an interview about this, and she goes, I need you to understand that this might be the most prolific serial rapist in history. 0.94

01:24:23.000 Crazy. 0.84

01:24:24.000 And she said that, I remember thinking like, what?

01:24:27.000 Wow. 1.00

01:24:28.000 The cleanest family guy, I mean sweaters, pull your pants up, is a rapist. 1.00

01:24:35.000 It's insane. 1.00

01:24:36.000 But no one's talking shit about his act. 0.99

01:24:39.000 Exactly. 0.99

01:24:39.000 Well, you can't deny it. 0.99

01:24:40.000 It's 40 years of great work.

01:24:42.000 That's my point.

01:24:42.000 If you don't like what a person did, okay.

01:24:45.000 But if you just start saying, well, he was never really talented.

01:24:48.000 Right.

01:24:50.000 It's strange when people do that.

01:24:52.000 Bill Cosby?

01:24:53.000 You don't think he was talented?

01:24:54.000 You're right. 0.99

01:24:54.000 Are you crazy? 0.99

01:24:55.000 Well, people get put into this lump, this group, and they go, all bad, no matter what, all bad. 0.94

01:25:00.000 But there's nuance.

01:25:02.000 You know, like when people go, Trump, and you go, Trump's pretty funny, huh?

01:25:04.000 And they go, oh my god, how can you say it?

01:25:06.000 You're like, I just heard a clip.

01:25:08.000 It was hilarious.

01:25:09.000 I'm not saying I want to hang out with the guy or I voted for the guy, but I'm just saying that was a funny clip.

01:25:13.000 Mark Norman on the JRE says, COVID is king and Trump is funny.

01:25:19.000 Just saying, COVID has got a good work ethic.

01:25:21.000 That's all I'm saying.

01:25:22.000 It's killing it.

01:25:23.000 And Trump is funny.

01:25:25.000 He's got some funny lines.

01:25:26.000 He was talking to Mitt Romney once, and he goes, no, they were interviewing him about Mitt Romney, like, you think he's going to vote for it?

01:25:31.000 He's got a lot of money.

01:25:32.000 What do you think?

01:25:33.000 And he goes, first of all, he doesn't have a lot of money.

01:25:35.000 And you're like, that's hilarious.

01:25:37.000 That's what bugged him about that sentence.

01:25:39.000 And he went right for it. 0.99

01:25:40.000 And it's just, he's a bully from Queens. 0.93

01:25:44.000 And it's fun when you look at it that way.

01:25:47.000 Yeah, but when he becomes the president, it becomes a bit of a problem.

01:25:49.000 Wow! 0.98

01:25:49.000 I'm not saying he's not a psycho. 0.98

01:25:52.000 So is Biden. 1.00

01:25:54.000 They're all psychos. 0.99

01:25:55.000 They're all psychos. 1.00

01:25:56.000 Anybody who wants that job is a psycho. 1.00

01:25:58.000 Well, that's for damn sure. 0.99

01:25:59.000 Except for Yang.

01:26:00.000 Oh, I love Yang.

01:26:01.000 Love the Yang gang.

01:26:02.000 But yeah, no, I'm with you.

01:26:03.000 Not everybody wants that job.

01:26:04.000 I don't think Tulsi Gabbard's a psycho. 1.00

01:26:06.000 I didn't think Bernie Sanders is a psycho. 0.77

01:26:08.000 I don't think Andrew Yang's a psycho. 0.97

01:26:10.000 But Bernie's a little kooky.

01:26:11.000 He's got some kooky ideas, but I was interested in seeing what would happen.

01:26:15.000 Yeah.

01:26:16.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:26:16.000 Look, if they did really absolve student debt, there's a lot more happy people in this world.

01:26:21.000 If they really did figure out a way to use just a small percentage of a penny from every stock exchange transaction and they would use that money for good, that was what he was saying.

01:26:34.000 When he was describing how they would use, this is where they would get the money to institute national health We're good to go.

01:27:04.000 Yeah, isn't that weird? 0.95

01:27:05.000 Most people in cold climates are douchebags. 0.97

01:27:08.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.98

01:27:09.000 And the hockey and the drinking and the moose.

01:27:11.000 Yeah, no, you're right.

01:27:12.000 But no, Canadians are way nicer.

01:27:14.000 Way nicer.

01:27:15.000 And way smarter, way more educated.

01:27:17.000 Education's free.

01:27:18.000 Yeah.

01:27:19.000 They're probably more educated per capita than Americans are.

01:27:22.000 But you know there's more people in California than in all of Canada?

01:27:26.000 Yeah.

01:27:26.000 Isn't that wild?

01:27:27.000 That's nuts, yeah.

01:27:28.000 And Canada's pretty crowded.

01:27:30.000 You go to Toronto.

01:27:31.000 The middle is pretty empty.

01:27:32.000 There's a lot of empty.

01:27:34.000 A lot of empty.

01:27:35.000 A lot of empty.

01:27:35.000 You ever seen the border?

01:27:36.000 What do you mean?

01:27:37.000 You know how we have a fence for Mexico? 0.99

01:27:39.000 With Canada, it's literally the opposite.

01:27:40.000 They've cut the trees down and made a path.

01:27:44.000 An enormous path that's like a couple of football fields wide in between Canada and the United States.

01:27:51.000 You just walk through this nice plowed path and then you're in Canada.

01:27:55.000 That's so Canadian.

01:27:57.000 I've never seen that.

01:27:57.000 Get a photo of the line in the woods.

01:28:00.000 It's literally a line in the woods.

01:28:01.000 Yeah.

01:28:02.000 And you walk up there.

01:28:03.000 Drug smugglers must do it every day.

01:28:05.000 Look at that.

01:28:05.000 Look at that line.

01:28:06.000 Oh my god.

01:28:07.000 How hilarious is that?

01:28:08.000 It's so welcoming.

01:28:09.000 That's the border.

01:28:10.000 It's literally the exact opposite of Mexico. 0.96

01:28:13.000 Right. 0.99

01:28:13.000 It's a fucking welcome. 0.99

01:28:14.000 It's negative space. 0.99

01:28:15.000 It doesn't look as wide as I thought it was.

01:28:17.000 It looks like it's about...

01:28:18.000 That's not even a football field.

01:28:19.000 It's a beautiful hike.

01:28:21.000 Yeah.

01:28:21.000 It's not a football...

01:28:22.000 It looks wide from the fucking sky, though. 0.99

01:28:25.000 Oh, you can see it. 0.99

01:28:26.000 Maybe it's wider in other spots.

01:28:27.000 But I think I had read that it was...

01:28:31.000 That's it?

01:28:34.000 20 feet's not nothing.

01:28:36.000 Yeah, but it looked wider when I looked at it before, but maybe it was just because I was looking at...

01:28:40.000 Like, right there.

01:28:41.000 But are they even guarding that?

01:28:42.000 Like, I could just pop over.

01:28:43.000 Take that photo that you have in the right-hand corner, that photo, and make that larger.

01:28:48.000 There's no way up there that's 20 feet.

01:28:49.000 That big-ass wide spot?

01:28:51.000 Oh, maybe it is.

01:28:52.000 Maybe it's perspective.

01:28:53.000 A great wall, almost.

01:28:55.000 I think it's just a perspective thing.

01:28:56.000 I think that hill behind it is closer than you think it is.

01:28:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:29:00.000 That's hilarious.

01:29:02.000 So it's just trees cut down.

01:29:04.000 They cut down a nice little path.

01:29:06.000 You ever go...

01:29:06.000 There's a place called Windsor.

01:29:08.000 It's right above Detroit.

01:29:09.000 And it's so funny, because you're in Detroit.

01:29:10.000 There's barrel fires you're getting shot at.

01:29:12.000 Then you pop right over, and it's like rainbows and lollipops.

01:29:16.000 I knew a lot of people who came over from Canada and they had to marry people to stay here.

01:29:21.000 Yeah.

01:29:21.000 Nobody cared.

01:29:23.000 Nobody cared.

01:29:24.000 Nobody treated them like anchor babies. 0.99

01:29:26.000 Nobody thought it was some sort of fucking scam. 0.99

01:29:30.000 No one's ever yelled, these Canadians are taking our jobs. 1.00

01:29:32.000 That's never happened.

01:29:34.000 Well, a lot of Canadian comics would come over here and they'd have green cards and they'd have to try to figure out how to get a citizenship.

01:29:40.000 And it would take a long time for some of them.

01:29:42.000 Right.

01:29:42.000 My friend paid 20 grand or something.

01:29:44.000 He was like a broke comic.

01:29:45.000 He had to scrap that together.

01:29:46.000 We had to write letters for him.

01:29:47.000 Like, this guy's good.

01:29:48.000 He deserves to be here.

01:29:49.000 A lot of people that are born here, you get used to how awesome it is here.

01:29:54.000 But that's the other thing.

01:29:55.000 Everybody shits on America, but everybody's trying to get here also. 0.98

01:29:57.000 So it's kind of like, well, which one is? 1.00

01:29:58.000 Well, there's things to shit on. 0.99

01:30:01.000 Of course. 0.98

01:30:02.000 We're not perfect. 0.99

01:30:02.000 There's plenty to shit on about America. 0.99

01:30:03.000 So if you want to concentrate on the negative aspects of America, you've got a lot to choose from. 0.99

01:30:08.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:08.000 I get it.

01:30:09.000 But if you want to think of it in terms of a place where you have opportunity, especially if it's an art form.

01:30:14.000 Like, if you're trying to be a comedian, there really is no better place in the world than right here.

01:30:20.000 Definitely.

01:30:20.000 I mean, I know there's a great comedy scene in England.

01:30:23.000 There's comedy scenes in Australia that's a great scene.

01:30:26.000 There's lots of scenes, but this is the best scene in the world.

01:30:29.000 Yeah.

01:30:29.000 And this is where it all started.

01:30:31.000 And we got the best movies.

01:30:33.000 They all play. 1.00

01:30:34.000 China, you go to China, it's all our shit. 1.00

01:30:36.000 It's like our music, our movies, our TV. There's no Chinese friends. 1.00

01:30:40.000 It's also watered down for China, specifically, from here.

01:30:44.000 We were talking about that the other day on the podcast, where...

01:31:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:09.000 So to make China happy, they changed how that movie was constructed. 0.91

01:31:14.000 Right.

01:31:15.000 I hear they don't like brown people that much, so they make a lot of the movies just, give us the white superheroes. 1.00

01:31:20.000 Really?

01:31:21.000 That's what I heard.

01:31:22.000 So they'll shoot a lot of movies because they want to sell it in China, so they'll have a lot of whitey, and people get mad here, but they're like, we just want to make money over there. 0.92

01:31:29.000 We should see how well did Blade do in China.

01:31:31.000 Oh, there you go.

01:31:32.000 Blade versus Iron Man or something.

01:31:34.000 It would be, yeah.

01:31:35.000 Yeah.

01:31:36.000 Or Black Panther would be the best example because it was recent. 0.54

01:31:39.000 That's a good one.

01:31:40.000 Are they going to have a different Black Panther?

01:31:42.000 They can't get rid of Black Panther. 0.73

01:31:44.000 They're not going to replace him.

01:31:44.000 They'll never replace him?

01:31:47.000 But what about the Avengers when they have to call on Black Panther?

01:31:50.000 And they redid Superman.

01:31:51.000 What about the wheelchair guy?

01:31:53.000 It says they would not recast him.

01:31:54.000 What if they...

01:31:55.000 Oh my god.

01:31:56.000 I was thinking so gross.

01:31:57.000 I was like, what if they had another actor do it and they just CGI'd the face?

01:32:01.000 Oh, that's weird.

01:32:03.000 That's weird.

01:32:03.000 That is weird.

01:32:04.000 Like they did with De Niro in...

01:32:06.000 But that just made him younger.

01:32:08.000 He's not dead.

01:32:09.000 That's true.

01:32:09.000 He's the same guy.

01:32:11.000 Yeah.

01:32:12.000 I think they did with Kevin Spacey, though.

01:32:14.000 He had a scandal, so they took him out of a movie digitally.

01:32:18.000 Oh, really?

01:32:19.000 Yeah, that's what I heard.

01:32:20.000 I forgot the movie, though.

01:32:22.000 That's right.

01:32:23.000 I remember that.

01:32:25.000 Go back and watch House of Cards.

01:32:27.000 Oh, great. 1.00

01:32:28.000 The guy's a fucking savage. 1.00

01:32:29.000 I know, right? 1.00

01:32:30.000 He's obviously grabbing some 17-year-old dicks here and again, allegedly. 0.99

01:32:34.000 Maybe they're 18, maybe they're 19. When I was a kid, I grabbed all my friends' dicks. 1.00

01:32:38.000 I think they're just gonna use different characters instead of his character. 0.95

01:32:40.000 They're just gonna write about different people.

01:32:42.000 The other characters in the movie.

01:32:43.000 What?

01:32:43.000 In Wakanda.

01:32:44.000 No, you have to have Black Panther. 1.00

01:32:45.000 He's the fucking hero. 1.00

01:32:47.000 You can't rewrite comic books. 1.00

01:32:49.000 Listen, they've had a bunch of Spider-Man.

01:32:51.000 Spider-Man is interchangeable.

01:32:52.000 They've had a bunch of Hulks. 0.98

01:32:53.000 Hulk is interchangeable.

01:32:55.000 I guess when someone dies on the job, you can't really just replace them.

01:32:59.000 But they did it with Christopher Reeves, right?

01:33:01.000 They did it with presidents.

01:33:02.000 But he didn't die on a job.

01:33:04.000 He wasn't active.

01:33:05.000 And he also, he got injured really badly after the movies.

01:33:09.000 He died slowly, yeah.

01:33:10.000 He was already older.

01:33:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:33:13.000 But Spider-Man seems to be, we have no problem with them swapping Spider-Mans out. 0.90

01:33:18.000 We've had a black one, a white one, another white one.

01:33:21.000 Yeah.

01:33:21.000 Well, the Into the Spider-Verse, I think, is the best of all the Spider-Man movies.

01:33:25.000 It's pretty amazing.

01:33:26.000 Yeah.

01:33:26.000 And it's a great example of you can make a film with a lot of diversity, but it just is natural.

01:33:32.000 It didn't matter.

01:33:33.000 It didn't matter at all.

01:33:33.000 It felt completely natural.

01:33:36.000 Versus some movies like Star Trek or Star Wars, rather, when it was all women that were running the show and women generals and everything. 1.00

01:33:43.000 I was like, what is happening here?

01:33:45.000 Right.

01:33:45.000 When you're making a statement like Ghostbusters, nobody watched it.

01:33:49.000 It bombed.

01:33:50.000 But we like Bridesmaids because it was just a funny movie with women in it. 1.00

01:33:54.000 Well, the thing about Ghostbusters 2 is all the men were morons. 1.00

01:33:57.000 Morons were evil. 1.00

01:33:58.000 They were the morons like Thor. 1.00

01:34:02.000 Thor was in it. 1.00

01:34:03.000 Chris Helmsworth. 1.00

01:34:04.000 He was a moron in the movie. 1.00

01:34:06.000 And then what's his name? 1.00

01:34:10.000 Who else was in it that was bad?

01:34:13.000 Which one?

01:34:14.000 The Girl Ghostbusters.

01:34:20.000 Not Moranis.

01:34:22.000 No, he was in the original.

01:34:23.000 And then he got knocked out in New York.

01:34:25.000 Yeah, isn't that hilarious?

01:34:26.000 What a weird twist.

01:34:27.000 This guy?

01:34:28.000 Just some guy walking right up to him.

01:34:29.000 He's such a tiny little guy.

01:34:31.000 I know.

01:34:31.000 The guy just knew he could get off a swing on him.

01:34:33.000 And they caught the guy, I think.

01:34:36.000 There they are.

01:34:36.000 Well, it's Bill Murray was in it.

01:34:38.000 That's who was in it.

01:34:38.000 Bill Murray was a bad guy.

01:34:40.000 You can't make Bill Murray bad!

01:34:41.000 Oh, he was a bad guy, and he died.

01:34:43.000 Spoiler alert.

01:34:44.000 My childhood hero.

01:34:45.000 They killed him quick.

01:34:46.000 So he was the hero of the first movie, bad guy in the second movie, and they kill him quick.

01:34:49.000 This was supposed to come out this summer and didn't.

01:34:51.000 Another Ghostbusters?

01:34:52.000 Yeah, they're going to redo another one.

01:34:54.000 With who?

01:34:55.000 With everyone that's still around.

01:34:56.000 Oh, no!

01:34:58.000 Bill Murray again?

01:34:59.000 But the other guy is...

01:35:01.000 Harold Ramis is dead.

01:35:02.000 Harold Ramis died.

01:35:03.000 He was awesome.

01:35:04.000 He was a great writer.

01:35:05.000 He was awesome.

01:35:07.000 And he was in the ground floor. 0.99

01:35:08.000 I'm talking Caddyshack, Animal House, all that shit. 0.99

01:35:11.000 National Lampoon. 0.99

01:35:13.000 There was an article that I was reading recently.

01:35:16.000 I'm lying.

01:35:17.000 Okay, there's an article.

01:35:17.000 I saw the headline, and I nodded my head in agreement, and I didn't read it.

01:35:21.000 But it was about, why are there no good comedies since, like, 2010?

01:35:27.000 Yeah.

01:35:27.000 Since the woke movement happened.

01:35:29.000 And I don't think it's true.

01:35:31.000 There was that one, the Seth Rogen one, that you thought was really funny.

01:35:33.000 What was that?

01:35:35.000 About the kids?

01:35:36.000 Yeah.

01:35:37.000 The Good Boys?

01:35:38.000 But that's a TV show.

01:35:40.000 Superbad.

01:35:41.000 Superbad was, I think, more than 10 years ago.

01:35:43.000 Wow!

01:35:45.000 Maybe not.

01:35:46.000 Might have been 10. Good Boys is what it's called, yeah, yeah.

01:35:48.000 Good Boys.

01:35:48.000 That's pretty good.

01:35:49.000 Yeah, it came out in 2019, it says.

01:35:51.000 What year do you think it was?

01:35:53.000 What, Superbad?

01:35:54.000 Yeah.

01:35:55.000 2011?

01:35:56.000 What do you think, Jamie?

01:35:58.000 Actually, you're right.

01:35:59.000 No, before that.

01:36:00.000 Maybe 08, yeah.

01:36:01.000 I think it's 09. Apparently he was writing that for like 10 years.

01:36:05.000 2007. Ah!

01:36:07.000 Okay. 1.00

01:36:07.000 That is a great fucking comedy movie. 1.00

01:36:09.000 That's funny. 1.00

01:36:10.000 It's gonna be real hard to make a comedy movie with all this woke shit. 0.99

01:36:14.000 And Holiday, or Holiday, Hollywood has gone so all in on wokeness. 0.99

01:36:21.000 Right, right.

01:36:21.000 Like to pull back now for a film.

01:36:23.000 Yeah, I think it's flipping a little slowly.

01:36:26.000 Because people want to laugh. 0.97

01:36:29.000 And Instagram and all that shit has such funny sketches. 1.00

01:36:32.000 YouTube has such funny shit on it. 1.00

01:36:33.000 And it's all politically incorrect. 1.00

01:36:35.000 It's like a guy cheating on his girlfriend and he jumps out the window and she's like...

01:36:39.000 And it's very primitive and kind of basic.

01:36:44.000 But they go viral.

01:36:45.000 They go viral. 1.00

01:36:45.000 Because people want to see that shit. 1.00

01:36:47.000 Or like what Schultz is doing. 1.00

01:36:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:36:50.000 These things he's doing, first of all, it mocks the watered down bullshit monologues that you're seeing on late night television. 0.99

01:36:59.000 Yes. 0.99

01:36:59.000 It mocks those. 0.99

01:37:00.000 Because it shows...

01:37:02.000 Because when late night television...

01:37:04.000 Got hit with the pandemic and they took away the audience.

01:37:07.000 And then you get to see how lame these jokes are when it's just a person saying them.

01:37:12.000 And also, a lot of those guys, unfortunately, don't work with crowds a lot.

01:37:17.000 So they don't understand that the reason why they're saying it the way they're saying it is only because there's a large group of people in the room.

01:37:22.000 You have to give a pause because the laughter's killing so hard. 1.00

01:37:26.000 But if you just stand there like a fucking idiot after you say something that's not even that funny and you're waiting... 1.00

01:37:31.000 It's brutal. 1.00

01:37:32.000 To say the next thing, and there's just silence.

01:37:34.000 Yeah.

01:37:34.000 It seems so strange.

01:37:36.000 There's no momentum to it.

01:37:38.000 Well, Schultz figured it out. 0.99

01:37:39.000 And what he did was just fucking hammer. 0.99

01:37:41.000 Joke, joke, joke, joke. 0.99

01:37:43.000 And it's all great writing, and it's like one fucked up punchline after another, and they're mean, and they're vicious, and they're nasty and hilarious. 0.99

01:37:54.000 And the people spoke. 0.98

01:37:55.000 It got crazy views.

01:37:57.000 Crazy views.

01:37:58.000 Better than The Tonight Show.

01:37:58.000 I mean, who would have thunk this guy who's just a comic is putting on such good work that it gets the platform it needs, and it's bigger than The Tonight Show.

01:38:07.000 That's such a crazy concept.

01:38:09.000 Crazy.

01:38:09.000 But he did it.

01:38:10.000 And it's all self-made.

01:38:11.000 And that's 2020 for you.

01:38:12.000 And it's all based on merit.

01:38:15.000 Yes.

01:38:15.000 It's all based on people seeing it.

01:38:16.000 As it should be.

01:38:17.000 Sharing it.

01:38:18.000 His friends sharing it.

01:38:20.000 And then people responding and enjoying it, and then the next one gets more popular, and the next one gets more popular.

01:38:26.000 He literally, his career was already killing it, but he got into COVID and literally picked up more steam.

01:38:32.000 Right, right.

01:38:33.000 When everyone else said, hey, put on Netflix and get the takeout.

01:38:37.000 Yeah, at best, a lot of guys who were just playing stand-ups, they just survived.

01:38:43.000 Right.

01:38:44.000 I mean, COVID has not been good for anybody.

01:38:46.000 And a lot of the specials that people have released during COVID have been odd.

01:38:50.000 It's hard to watch a special where some people have done social distancing specials or...

01:38:57.000 Burt's doing all his shows, driving, movie theater.

01:39:00.000 Some people are filming those.

01:39:01.000 I think Colin.

01:39:02.000 Didn't Colin film those?

01:39:03.000 And it was pretty good, but it's 90% green room.

01:39:06.000 So it's fun, because you watch the comics interact more than their actual act, because it just honks and headlights.

01:39:12.000 That's so weird.

01:39:12.000 So you don't even want to watch the stand-up, because there's no crowd.

01:39:15.000 But Colin is so good at capturing that off-stage banter bullshit. 0.86

01:39:20.000 And it's like tough crowd almost. 0.98

01:39:22.000 It feels like that. 0.99

01:39:23.000 They're shitting on Voss and Bobby Kelly. 0.99

01:39:25.000 It's fun. 0.98

01:39:25.000 Last time he was here, I was telling him, there's got to be a way to bring that back. 0.98

01:39:29.000 Because it was legitimately one of the greatest shows in the history of comedy.

01:39:33.000 And it showed. 0.99

01:39:34.000 It was the best example, other than podcasts, of how comics get together and talk shit with each other. 0.98

01:39:39.000 But he's so sick of people telling him that. 0.88

01:39:41.000 You've got to bring it back, man.

01:39:42.000 He's like, I know!

01:39:43.000 I know!

01:39:43.000 I know.

01:39:44.000 No one will hire me. 1.00

01:39:45.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:39:46.000 Leave me alone. 1.00

01:39:47.000 But I was glad you did it on a microphone because he had to talk about it.

01:39:50.000 He could do it himself.

01:39:52.000 Yeah, he won't do it.

01:39:52.000 People don't have to hire him.

01:39:53.000 He's drinking Diet Coke.

01:39:55.000 Getting IVs.

01:39:57.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:39:58.000 He won't do it.

01:39:59.000 But I would love it.

01:40:00.000 And it's a whole new crop now.

01:40:01.000 It'd be great.

01:40:02.000 Yeah.

01:40:03.000 How's he doing?

01:40:04.000 Is he okay?

01:40:04.000 Yeah, he's fine.

01:40:05.000 He's fine.

01:40:06.000 He's good to go.

01:40:07.000 But I'm with you, man.

01:40:09.000 And this COVID thing, I think it's cleared off a lot of the comedy fluff.

01:40:15.000 Like, you gotta go.

01:40:16.000 You weren't really into this.

01:40:18.000 People that aren't 100% dedicated are not doing rooftop shows.

01:40:22.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:40:23.000 I'm in a fucking park. 1.00

01:40:25.000 Bill Burr was talking to me about doing stand-up in people's fucking backyards. 1.00

01:40:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:29.000 I heard he got heckled by a neighbor, like somebody was yelling out of their house, and he was like, fuck you, you fucking cunt. 1.00

01:40:35.000 I'm trying to do my job here. 1.00

01:40:36.000 I know I'm in a park.

01:40:37.000 I'm bad.

01:40:38.000 I'm vulnerable enough.

01:40:39.000 You got to yell at me.

01:40:40.000 He was here Saturday night.

01:40:42.000 I went to see him at a place out in Dripping Springs, which is not that far from here, like a half hour from here.

01:40:50.000 It was awesome, man.

01:40:51.000 It was freezing cold, right? 0.82

01:40:53.000 So I'm wearing a fucking warm jacket zipped up to the neck, sitting down, my buddy Todd and Brian Redband, his girlfriend, and my buddy Gino. 0.96

01:41:00.000 And we just watched, like, audience members. 0.98

01:41:02.000 It was amazing.

01:41:03.000 It was great.

01:41:03.000 That's great.

01:41:04.000 And it gives you hope for stand-up because you're like, oh, people actually want to see this shit. 0.99

01:41:08.000 Like, people are coming out in the cold. 0.99

01:41:09.000 It gives me hope, too, because of the way Bill Burr does stand-up.

01:41:12.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:41:12.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

01:41:14.000 He's throwing bombs. 0.99

01:41:15.000 He's one of the best. 0.99

01:41:16.000 And I heard a clip, I think on here, where he was like, I'm going to go to Dallas and shit on... 0.97

01:41:22.000 I'll talk about how I voted for Biden. 0.98

01:41:23.000 Then I'm going to go to Austin and talk about how I voted for Trump.

01:41:25.000 And people get so mad about that.

01:41:27.000 I'm like, that's the essence of comedy.

01:41:29.000 That's what we're doing here. 0.98

01:41:29.000 Why the fuck are we trying to toe the line? 0.98

01:41:31.000 We're supposed to be going against it. 1.00

01:41:32.000 He didn't say vote on, it said shit on. 1.00

01:41:34.000 Shit on. 1.00

01:41:34.000 I'm going to go to Dallas and shit on Biden. 1.00

01:41:36.000 I'm going to go here and shit on Trump. 1.00

01:41:37.000 That's what it's all about. 1.00

01:41:37.000 He does whatever he wants. 1.00

01:41:39.000 And if you don't want him to shit on something, that's when he's going to find a way to get you to laugh at it. 0.99

01:41:43.000 Right. 0.99

01:41:43.000 He's going to sneak it in on you and you're going to be mad at the end like, God damn it, Phil Berg got me. 0.99

01:41:47.000 I know. 0.98

01:41:47.000 I thought that's what we were doing here. 0.98

01:41:49.000 So when people get so angry, you're like, what are you doing?

01:41:51.000 Why do you have a comedy show?

01:41:52.000 Why are you trying to take comedy away?

01:41:53.000 I just thought it was interesting that he went on Saturday Night Live and just did regular stand-up.

01:41:58.000 Oh, that was special.

01:41:58.000 It was amazing.

01:41:59.000 That was amazing.

01:41:59.000 It was amazing.

01:42:00.000 They let him do regular stand-up on Saturday Night Live.

01:42:02.000 But I will say it hurts my soul when I see these queefy crowds going, whoa! 1.00

01:42:08.000 I'm like, this is a comedy show!

01:42:10.000 It used to be a counterculture.

01:42:12.000 The opener was George Carlin.

01:42:13.000 They had Richard Pryor on, Sinead O'Connor ripped the Pope up. 0.99

01:42:17.000 This show used to have some balls, and now it's become this fucking college politics fest. 1.00

01:42:22.000 I hate it. 0.99

01:42:23.000 You gotta say the right thing, you gotta say the right joke, and no punchline, you gotta punch up, and like...

01:42:28.000 What are we doing here?

01:42:29.000 Let's express.

01:42:30.000 Let's have art. 0.99

01:42:30.000 We're in a crazy, tumultuous time, and you want me to fucking stay in line? 0.99

01:42:34.000 Come on. 0.97

01:42:35.000 Well, in their defense, they put him on Saturday Night Live, so it's not that they all want the exact same thing.

01:42:41.000 They must have known his set.

01:42:43.000 I'm just talking about that crowd.

01:42:44.000 But the crowd represents this movement that's happening in young people today.

01:42:49.000 It's a sign of the times.

01:42:51.000 And I think ultimately, like we were talking about with the Quentin Tarantino movie, they're going to recognize that this is a style of art.

01:42:59.000 It's not like these are statements.

01:43:01.000 I hope. 0.98

01:43:02.000 He's saying these fucked up things because they're funny. 0.99

01:43:05.000 Yes. 1.00

01:43:05.000 It's not that he really wants this to happen to that person or really wants this guy to die this way or really wants her to choke on a dick. 1.00

01:43:12.000 That's not what he really wants. 1.00

01:43:14.000 And I think people just want to bitch. 1.00

01:43:16.000 He got a lot of hate, which I love that Burr is just getting tons and tons of tweets and just kind of not caring. 0.90

01:43:23.000 He's like, I don't care.

01:43:24.000 I just did my act and I move on. 0.93

01:43:25.000 But I read a bunch of them and they're like, he's a racist. 0.99

01:43:28.000 He's a racist. 1.00

01:43:29.000 You want to be like, his wife's black. 1.00

01:43:30.000 And then they go, ah. 0.66

01:43:32.000 What do you mean, ah?

01:43:33.000 You got to say, I'm sorry.

01:43:34.000 I called you a horrible thing.

01:43:36.000 I was wrong.

01:43:36.000 But they never do that.

01:43:38.000 No, they're looking for things where they can dismiss you.

01:43:41.000 They can say a simple statement, you're that, and then they can dismiss you. 0.98

01:43:46.000 But being a racist is such a horrible, ignorant thing, and you just called me that publicly, and then when I prove you wrong, you go, eh, or you don't even respond. 0.98

01:43:55.000 Well, you're talking to people on Twitter. 0.99

01:43:57.000 This is a problem.

01:43:58.000 I know, but...

01:43:58.000 It's a terrible way to communicate with people.

01:44:00.000 It bugs me.

01:44:00.000 The way to communicate with people is supposed to be one-on-one.

01:44:03.000 It's the only thing we're designed for.

01:44:05.000 Even large groups, people get weird.

01:44:07.000 That's why we allow politicians to speak that way. 0.98

01:44:09.000 They're speaking in this fucking completely disingenuous way to a large group of people. 1.00

01:44:14.000 That's a fucked up way to talk to people. 1.00

01:44:16.000 I agree. 0.99

01:44:17.000 It's strange.

01:44:17.000 It was you and a politician alone, and they were talking to you like that.

01:44:20.000 You would never trust a word they said.

01:44:22.000 You'd be like, why is this guy talking to me like this?

01:44:24.000 Right.

01:44:25.000 Because we're designed for this.

01:44:26.000 Yes, but yeah, face-to-face is lost, and that's really what's big social media thing is that if that guy was in the room, he would never say that to me, or you, or whoever, and it's a bummer.

01:44:36.000 I did a bunch of Zoom, I've done Zoom podcasts, but I've caught way back on them.

01:44:41.000 With some people, it's important, like they're older folks, or they're far away, and I can't do it any other way, and I'll take it, because I just want to talk to them.

01:44:48.000 But it's just not the same.

01:44:51.000 No.

01:44:52.000 And for comics, it's not going to work.

01:44:54.000 And for important people, it's going to be the first time I talk to them, I'm like, let's wait.

01:44:58.000 Let's give it a year. 0.99

01:45:00.000 Let's wait until this fucking shit blows over and you can come in here safely. 1.00

01:45:03.000 It's better. 1.00

01:45:04.000 I mean, these Twitter fights. 1.00

01:45:05.000 You know when you're in your car and somebody cuts you off and you're like, I'll fucking kill you, you piece of shit. 1.00

01:45:09.000 I hate you. 1.00

01:45:09.000 I hope your fucking kids die. 1.00

01:45:10.000 I'm going to fuck you until you love me. 1.00

01:45:12.000 And then you pull up at the red light and you're like, oh, hey, what's shaking? 1.00

01:45:15.000 It's all changed. 0.98

01:45:16.000 And that's kind of the same thing when you bump into some guy who's been shitting on you. 0.76

01:45:19.000 Well, at least bumping into them at the red light, you feel protected by your car in the distance. 0.87

01:45:24.000 Right, right, yeah.

01:45:24.000 Meeting them at a bar, face-to-face, that's when things are weird.

01:45:28.000 Yeah.

01:45:29.000 I've had that with guys before.

01:45:31.000 Oh, really?

01:45:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:33.000 Where I got into it with them, and then I ran into them in real life.

01:45:37.000 And, you know, it was like...

01:45:39.000 It's all different.

01:45:40.000 Yeah, but I'm also like, listen, this is unnecessary.

01:45:42.000 You don't have to talk like that.

01:45:44.000 It's not a normal way a person would talk to someone if they knew the other person was going to see it.

01:45:50.000 There's things that people say where they would never say to your face. 0.99

01:45:54.000 Not that they're scared of you or anything, but it's just a shit way to communicate with human beings. 0.95

01:45:58.000 You're giving no consideration whatsoever to how that person is going to receive it, no consideration whatsoever to their feelings, but yet you're pretending you're compassionate. 0.97

01:46:08.000 Exactly!

01:46:08.000 That's what's the most bizarre thing about it.

01:46:10.000 It's like you found a way, like a little loophole, to be a cunt while also pretending you're the most progressive person alive. 0.99

01:46:18.000 I know. 0.99

01:46:19.000 I'm a lefty guy and I get so embarrassed because I'm terrified of the left.

01:46:23.000 I'm like, you're going to ruin my life!

01:46:25.000 Yeah, I'm a lefty guy too, but I don't look like one.

01:46:27.000 That's part of the problem.

01:46:28.000 Yeah, that's a bummer.

01:46:29.000 People go off looks.

01:46:30.000 They do.

01:46:31.000 They lie about it, but they do.

01:46:32.000 They do, for sure.

01:46:33.000 Yeah, and they also go off what you make fun of.

01:46:37.000 That's the other thing.

01:46:40.000 I never got that.

01:46:41.000 Just because I'm joking about a group, why do you go straight to hate?

01:46:45.000 Yeah, because it's easy and convenient, and it dismisses you.

01:46:48.000 Right.

01:46:48.000 It's a thing.

01:46:48.000 He's a this.

01:46:50.000 Phobe.

01:46:50.000 He's a that.

01:46:51.000 Yeah.

01:46:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:52.000 It's ist, racist, homophobic. 0.99

01:46:54.000 It's just lazy people, too. 1.00

01:46:55.000 There's a lot of lazy thinking going on.

01:46:57.000 Yeah.

01:46:58.000 And you don't want to take the time to think about what's the nuance to this discussion.

01:47:06.000 What am I missing?

01:47:09.000 What is really going on here? 0.99

01:47:11.000 And what am I getting out of tweeting mean shit at Mark Norman? 0.99

01:47:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:47:35.000 That's what they're hoping for.

01:47:41.000 Man, remember...

01:47:42.000 What year did you start comedy?

01:47:43.000 41?

01:47:44.000 88. So, like, isn't it amazing that you...

01:47:48.000 This never came up until, what, seven years ago, six years ago?

01:47:51.000 Yeah, seven, six, seven years ago.

01:47:52.000 So you had a great ride.

01:47:53.000 I had a great ride.

01:47:54.000 But I love comedy as much now as I did when I first started.

01:47:59.000 Maybe even more.

01:48:00.000 Oh, there you go.

01:48:00.000 Like, literally have not lost any enthusiasm for it.

01:48:03.000 Still enjoy it.

01:48:04.000 Enjoy it more now because I enjoy it as an...

01:48:07.000 I like watching as an audience member now, like, purely.

01:48:12.000 I can enjoy it.

01:48:13.000 Whereas back then, in the early days, I was too jealous or I wanted to get on stage.

01:48:18.000 Oh, really?

01:48:18.000 I wanted to get on stage.

01:48:18.000 But you had such a great career.

01:48:19.000 What could you be jealous of?

01:48:20.000 In the beginning.

01:48:21.000 You got TV out of the gate.

01:48:22.000 I got TV six years in.

01:48:24.000 That's pretty good.

01:48:25.000 Well, I was on TV before that with MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour and some stuff like that.

01:48:30.000 Oh, even then?

01:48:31.000 So you already got credits?

01:48:32.000 Yeah.

01:48:33.000 Oh, you shouldn't have been jealous of anything.

01:48:35.000 And you were a hot guy back then.

01:48:37.000 There is no way you're not going to be jealous if you're starting out and you're seeing people that are successful.

01:48:42.000 It's just part of the game.

01:48:43.000 I guess so.

01:48:44.000 You see people that are killing it and they're doing HBO specials and you're like, wow.

01:48:47.000 I remember running into someone that I had seen on HBO and I was a year in and seeing them at a nightclub and I'd be like, wow.

01:48:55.000 Yeah, same.

01:48:56.000 That's him.

01:48:57.000 He's right there.

01:48:58.000 Dude, I started in Louisiana.

01:48:59.000 I remember seeing Theo Vaughn back in the day and he was, I don't know, three years, four years ahead of me and I was like, oh my Somebody's been on MTV! And now I'm like, somebody's on MTV? I spit in their coffee.

01:49:10.000 I don't give a shit. 0.99

01:49:11.000 But back then it was like, oh my god. 0.99

01:49:13.000 It was 2006 or whatever.

01:49:15.000 It was unbelievable that he had been on TV and I would tremble going up to talk to him.

01:49:19.000 He was not a celebrity then, but it was still crazy.

01:49:24.000 I got to see Richard Jenny when I was an open-miker.

01:49:27.000 And I sat in the front row of Catch a Rising star in Cambridge, and he was doing stand-up, and it was like a Wednesday night or something like that.

01:49:34.000 So it wasn't even full.

01:49:36.000 Back then, even as good as Richard Jenny was, he wasn't selling out every show. 0.99

01:49:40.000 Isn't that fucking nuts? 1.00

01:49:42.000 Crazy. 1.00

01:49:43.000 He's so good. 0.79

01:49:44.000 Never gets brought up, by the way.

01:49:45.000 I bring him up all the time.

01:49:46.000 All the time.

01:49:47.000 I'm trying to get people annoyed with me.

01:49:50.000 Because I'm just Googling him.

01:49:52.000 He was that good.

01:49:53.000 You know, I always was a giant fan, but I got on another Richard Jenny kick not that long ago, a couple years back, because I was driving home from, I think it was Irvine, somewhere in Orange County-ish.

01:50:05.000 That's a good club.

01:50:06.000 And I was driving home, and you know how your Bluetooth will randomly sometimes play a song?

01:50:10.000 Yeah.

01:50:11.000 I had a Richard Jennings album on my phone, and it started randomly playing one of his bits from a steaming pile of me. 0.75

01:50:19.000 And I'm fucking laughing hard while I'm driving.

01:50:21.000 I'm like, I forgot how good this was. 0.92

01:50:22.000 So I went, and I got the whole album, and I started playing the whole album on my thing.

01:50:27.000 I listened to it the whole way home.

01:50:29.000 Wow.

01:50:29.000 I was like, this is incredible.

01:50:30.000 It was so good.

01:50:31.000 He's great.

01:50:32.000 Some of the writing was so tight.

01:50:34.000 I know.

01:50:34.000 So many punchlines.

01:50:35.000 I know.

01:50:36.000 But he was also great visually, too. 0.98

01:50:38.000 He would do huge act-outs and jump on the stool and backflip and all this shit. 0.93

01:50:42.000 So just the fact that you could hear it and still laugh is a great sign. 0.98

01:50:45.000 He was one of the first guys to wear one of them fucking Bobby Brown microphones on stage, too. 0.96

01:50:49.000 He's got his hands free. 0.98

01:50:51.000 Yeah, he had the big pants on.

01:50:53.000 Yeah, he was all over the road.

01:50:55.000 He had done a lot of Tonight shows and stuff.

01:50:58.000 Yeah.

01:50:59.000 He'd done a shitload of them.

01:51:00.000 So he's used to doing stand-up with no microphone.

01:51:02.000 Right.

01:51:03.000 Like on television, he did a lot of stand-up with no microphone.

01:51:05.000 Uh-huh.

01:51:06.000 It kind of makes sense.

01:51:07.000 I mean, I'll never be the douche with the Madonna headset. 1.00

01:51:11.000 Yeah, because I just hear my high school friends going, who the fuck do you think you are? 1.00

01:51:14.000 You fucking pop star, you know? 1.00

01:51:16.000 So I can never do it. 1.00

01:51:17.000 But it kind of makes sense.

01:51:19.000 Because look at this.

01:51:20.000 I'm just holding this stick for an hour.

01:51:22.000 Yeah.

01:51:23.000 You know, and look, some people use it and they hit it on their head and they dangle it or whatever and make a joke out of it, but if you're kind of just free and lose, it makes more sense being a comedian, I think.

01:51:32.000 It certainly does, but you get so used to having that mic.

01:51:35.000 I know, I know.

01:51:36.000 And then modulating the sound from pulling the mic forward and back.

01:51:39.000 That's true.

01:51:40.000 There's a lot there.

01:51:40.000 Some guys use it a lot.

01:51:41.000 Yeah.

01:51:42.000 Some guys hit that punchline.

01:51:43.000 Right, right.

01:51:44.000 Hit that punchline. 0.73

01:51:45.000 Right. 1.00

01:51:45.000 They eat the mic, go, hey, that shit. 1.00

01:51:47.000 Yeah, so I guess you're right. 1.00

01:51:48.000 You can use it for comedy, but... 0.99

01:51:50.000 Whose fucking cow is it? 1.00

01:51:54.000 You know, like there's that thing that they do, they get right on the mic when they accentuate the punchline. 1.00

01:51:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98

01:51:59.000 Damn, I had a thing and I lost it. 0.99

01:52:01.000 I got you with the cow? 1.00

01:52:02.000 Yeah, you got me with the damn cow. 1.00

01:52:04.000 I actually, a heckle popped in my head and it ruined my, because I got heckled, I was making a fat joke and this larger lady went, hey, boo! 1.00

01:52:14.000 Or something like that and I went, are you saying boo or moo?

01:52:18.000 And it Killed!

01:52:19.000 It was one of those magic moments, you know?

01:52:22.000 If my mom saw that joke, she'd be like, come on, Mark, how dare you?

01:52:25.000 But at the time, I just needed it because she came after me.

01:52:29.000 Oh, boo is the worst.

01:52:31.000 I hate a boo.

01:52:31.000 What do you say to a boo?

01:52:32.000 It's so dumb. 0.99

01:52:34.000 It's so like, I am more important than all the other people that are laughing. 0.99

01:52:38.000 Yes.

01:52:39.000 My opinion will now shut this show down.

01:52:42.000 Right.

01:52:43.000 That's what she's doing.

01:52:45.000 Even though other people were enjoying it, she has decided that she's going to call on her stack of coins.

01:52:51.000 She's got a little stack of coins, identity politics, big woman. 1.00

01:52:55.000 They're female. 1.00

01:52:56.000 I've got female, and I've got sigh shaming, and I've got body shaming. 0.99

01:53:01.000 I've got all these chips, and I'm pushing them in.

01:53:03.000 Yeah, she pushed. 0.81

01:53:04.000 I'm all in.

01:53:05.000 I took those chips, though, with that moo, I'll tell you that. 1.00

01:53:08.000 Yeah, I had a Zoom show the other day, and I was like...

01:53:11.000 That makes me sad.

01:53:12.000 It was literally 400 audience members, which is pretty good.

01:53:15.000 So it paid well.

01:53:16.000 That's weird.

01:53:17.000 That's why I did it.

01:53:18.000 And I was like, all right.

01:53:18.000 Do you hear him laugh?

01:53:19.000 Huh?

01:53:20.000 Do you hear him laugh?

01:53:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:53:21.000 So it was pretty good.

01:53:22.000 Where are you standing? 1.00

01:53:23.000 I just did it on my laptop like an idiot. 1.00

01:53:25.000 I'm sitting in an office chair going, Uber, huh? 1.00

01:53:28.000 You know?

01:53:28.000 Yeah.

01:53:29.000 But I was making sure, because I've bombed so many of these corporate-type gigs where they've got to be clean, and you've got to say this, and not talk about sex.

01:53:38.000 So I made sure, like, is there anything I can't say?

01:53:40.000 Just tell me now, because I'm doing a half hour, which is a lot to do into a laptop.

01:53:43.000 And he was like, you can say anything. 0.95

01:53:45.000 Go nuts. 0.93

01:53:46.000 And I go, all right. 0.97

01:53:47.000 And my second joke, I heard an older lady going, no, no, no. 1.00

01:53:52.000 Cut him off! 0.99

01:53:53.000 Cut him off! 0.99

01:53:54.000 And I was like, oh, they said I could do anything.

01:53:55.000 I'm sorry.

01:53:56.000 And I couldn't see who it was because there's so many little squares.

01:53:59.000 And they shut her off.

01:54:00.000 They muted her.

01:54:01.000 And I was like, oh, this is the only time Zoom has been good.

01:54:04.000 You know?

01:54:04.000 Because you can't mute an audience member.

01:54:06.000 So they muted her.

01:54:08.000 They get to laugh so they can also, they can heckle.

01:54:11.000 I guess so, yeah.

01:54:12.000 And she heckled. 0.93

01:54:13.000 This is the beginning.

01:54:15.000 This is the beginning of some sort of virtual reality comedy that they're going to do, where your avatar will be there.

01:54:21.000 Right.

01:54:22.000 But yeah, you say, ooh, but if it gets to the point where every time you go outside, you risk dying, but you could strap on this fucking Ready Player One headset and be there in front of this audience sitting down. 0.92

01:54:33.000 Not gonna happen. 0.99

01:54:34.000 And then people would be sitting there as their avatars, though, so every girl would be hot as fuck. 1.00

01:54:39.000 Yeah, that's true. 0.98

01:54:40.000 That's where feminism's gonna go out the window. 1.00

01:54:42.000 If you have an avatar, and through your avatar you can be anything you want, I guarantee you no one's gonna be a big fatty.

01:54:49.000 Yeah, interesting.

01:54:50.000 I thought it was beautiful.

01:54:51.000 What happened?

01:54:51.000 You're not going to.

01:54:52.000 If you have your choice, like, my choice is not to be who I am.

01:54:56.000 This is unfortunate.

01:54:57.000 I'm big boned.

01:54:58.000 I have a slow metabolism.

01:54:59.000 I have a food allergy.

01:55:01.000 I have this and that.

01:55:03.000 My thyroid's got a lot of insulin.

01:55:05.000 All these problems, right?

01:55:07.000 But if that was just all you could do is choose your character, and that is indistinguishable.

01:55:15.000 From real life.

01:55:16.000 Like, you would be some smokin' hot woman. 0.99

01:55:20.000 It's true.

01:55:21.000 They're all gonna take it.

01:55:22.000 Yeah.

01:55:22.000 Everyone's gonna take it.

01:55:23.000 We would do it, too.

01:55:24.000 We'd be tall guys with a huge dong.

01:55:26.000 You'd be Thor.

01:55:26.000 Full head of hair, yeah.

01:55:27.000 Full crowd full of Thors. 1.00

01:55:29.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:55:30.000 Which would actually make beauty less important.

01:55:33.000 Because if we're all beautiful, it doesn't carry as much weight.

01:55:35.000 It wouldn't work anymore.

01:55:36.000 No pun intended with the fact.

01:55:37.000 But yeah.

01:55:38.000 You know, but it wouldn't actually be that exciting.

01:55:42.000 You need the rain to get the sun.

01:55:44.000 Yes.

01:55:45.000 Yes.

01:55:45.000 That would be a curse.

01:55:47.000 It would be a curse.

01:55:48.000 If everyone was sexually attractive, then there would be no... 0.96

01:55:50.000 If everyone was that perfect, there would be no uniqueness in seeing someone who's that perfect.

01:55:56.000 Right.

01:55:56.000 Like, if you're around a lot of regular people, and then some, like, Tara Patrick in her prime walks in the room, and everybody's like, holy...

01:56:03.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:56:05.000 Jesus Christ.

01:56:06.000 I know.

01:56:07.000 That's what that's from.

01:56:08.000 But if you walk into a room full of people that look exactly like that, and it's every day, it's normal, then it's not unique.

01:56:14.000 It's not unique and it's not fun.

01:56:16.000 I mean, that whole, we are beautiful and every...

01:56:19.000 It's not true because then it's not beauty.

01:56:21.000 You're ruining the definition of it.

01:56:23.000 You're a beautiful soul, but the visual beauty is a tyranny and people don't like it.

01:56:30.000 They don't like that it's not evenly distributed.

01:56:32.000 They don't like that you can't earn it.

01:56:34.000 They don't like that it's just...

01:56:36.000 What's more valued than anything when it comes to the way men treat women is their looks.

01:56:44.000 And women! 1.00

01:56:44.000 Women like Kim Kardashian. 1.00

01:56:46.000 They don't like Susan Boyle.

01:56:47.000 Susan Boyle's way more talented. 0.96

01:56:49.000 Good point.

01:56:50.000 But this roll of the dice, they don't like the fact that this roll of the dice determines whether or not you have the greatest gift.

01:56:58.000 In terms of the way people treat you, if you are a woman and you are stunning and just a physical specimen, and you're in a room filled with men, those men are going to be stumbling over themselves to help you, and you're going to be telling terrible,

01:57:13.000 boring stories, and they're going to pretend like they're awesome, like we were talking about earlier.

01:57:17.000 Sounds like a great cat!

01:57:19.000 That was my impression of the guy, listening to her.

01:57:22.000 But yeah, no, you're completely right.

01:57:24.000 But it's true.

01:57:26.000 It's just human nature, and we can bitch and moan about it all day, but it's biological.

01:57:31.000 I'm sorry.

01:57:31.000 If you had the choice, if we entered into a virtual world and you had to press that button, it could be anything you wanted.

01:57:37.000 You're not going to decide to be someone who looks like you.

01:57:39.000 You're not going to decide to be uncomfortable in your own skin.

01:57:42.000 You're not going to decide to be someone who feels really bad when they have to sit in the middle seat because they ooze over into the two seats next to them.

01:57:49.000 You're not going to be that person.

01:57:51.000 And what's interesting about people is when they're the victim, when they're the loser, when they win, they tend to act the same way that shitty people were towards them.

01:58:02.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

01:58:03.000 They're bullies. 0.97

01:58:03.000 Yeah, they turn into bullies. 0.97

01:58:04.000 And you're like, isn't this what you kind of hated? 1.00

01:58:06.000 But now that you have the power, you're a cunt. 1.00

01:58:09.000 You know what I never got? 1.00

01:58:10.000 You see these underwear ads for plus-size women?

01:58:13.000 These are real women. 1.00

01:58:15.000 That's what they always say.

01:58:16.000 These are real women. 1.00

01:58:17.000 It's always like heavyset ladies. 1.00

01:58:18.000 And you're like, so skinny women aren't real women? 1.00

01:58:21.000 So you're now being inclusive because you're allowed to be.

01:58:25.000 Right. 1.00

01:58:26.000 But if a skinny chick goes, we're real women, those are fucking cows, then they'll get sued. 1.00

01:58:33.000 But you can do it the other way. 1.00

01:58:34.000 Isn't that interesting?

01:58:35.000 It's weird.

01:58:36.000 It's weird.

01:58:37.000 They're giving themselves a pat on the back.

01:58:39.000 They're asking for chips. 0.96

01:58:40.000 And we all go, look, they're gross, let them have it. 0.98

01:58:43.000 You want a stack of coins.

01:58:45.000 I'll take you a stack of coins for being big and I'm beautiful.

01:58:48.000 I'm big but I'm beautiful.

01:58:49.000 Look at my coins.

01:58:51.000 There they are.

01:58:51.000 Just like a casino, if I give you money, you'll probably lose it faster than if you have to earn your own money at Blackjack.

01:58:57.000 But if you've got someone like Taylor Swift, look at Taylor Swift's body.

01:59:00.000 That's just how she's built. 0.97

01:59:02.000 She's this long, thin girl.

01:59:05.000 That's just who she is.

01:59:07.000 She doesn't look like she's starving herself to death.

01:59:09.000 She's just like Calista Flockhart. 0.57

01:59:11.000 Do you remember her?

01:59:11.000 Oh, duo.

01:59:12.000 Tiny, skinny woman. 1.00

01:59:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:59:14.000 Is she real?

01:59:15.000 She seems like a real woman.

01:59:17.000 Oh, yeah, exactly.

01:59:18.000 She seems real.

01:59:18.000 She's a person.

01:59:19.000 Different body types, right?

01:59:20.000 Yeah.

01:59:21.000 Like, there's Ralphie Mae and there's Chris Rock.

01:59:23.000 Is Chris Rock not a real man?

01:59:25.000 No, I get it.

01:59:26.000 He's a man. 1.00

01:59:27.000 That would be the dumbest statement anybody could say. 1.00

01:59:29.000 Exactly. 0.98

01:59:29.000 Ralphie Mae's a real man. 0.98

01:59:31.000 That's my point.

01:59:31.000 No, he's a man as well.

01:59:33.000 Yes.

01:59:33.000 But so is Chris Rock.

01:59:35.000 But they can say it because they're the quote-unquote victim or loser or whatever.

01:59:39.000 Yeah.

01:59:39.000 But it's this weird thing that only works with one gender.

01:59:43.000 Isn't that weird?

01:59:44.000 Yeah.

01:59:44.000 It's very strange because so much weight has been put on females looking beautiful.

01:59:49.000 There's been weight put on men looking good, but men have this weird out clause where you see disgusting fat men with hot women if the fat man is rich. 0.91

01:59:58.000 Right. 1.00

01:59:58.000 Well, men are lucky in that regard that women will fuck us based on skill or worth. 1.00

02:00:04.000 Status. 1.00

02:00:05.000 Status, yeah.

02:00:06.000 We're lucky.

02:00:06.000 We're very lucky in that way.

02:00:08.000 There are those guys that do fuck women based on status. 1.00

02:00:12.000 Totally. 1.00

02:00:12.000 Those dudes live a sad life. 1.00

02:00:15.000 It's a tough life because you're just constantly having to keep that status going or keep that career going, whatever it is, just to get laid.

02:00:21.000 Also, we all know.

02:00:23.000 Yeah.

02:00:23.000 We know.

02:00:24.000 But some dudes seem fine with it. 0.99

02:00:25.000 Like, yeah, like the 90,000-year-old guy who's fucking Aunt Nicole Smith. 0.97

02:00:29.000 We know she's not into him, but we all go, eh, you know. 0.97

02:00:33.000 He's like, who's the joke on? 0.71

02:00:34.000 I'm decrepit, and I'm getting plowed by this skank. 1.00

02:00:39.000 So he's like, yeah, I know that she's not actually in love with me, but hey, she's a piece.

02:00:44.000 But there's the opposite. 0.99

02:00:44.000 I'm talking about the man who is batting under his average for a gross woman. 0.99

02:00:52.000 Right. 0.98

02:00:53.000 Because the gross woman has some sort of financial... 1.00

02:00:57.000 Oh, is that a thing? 0.99

02:00:58.000 Oh, yeah.

02:00:59.000 Really?

02:01:00.000 Oh, yeah.

02:01:01.000 I've seen it.

02:01:02.000 I've seen it.

02:01:03.000 Because he just wants the money.

02:01:05.000 Rich woman with a boy toy. 1.00

02:01:08.000 That's a sad dude there.

02:01:10.000 Sad dude.

02:01:10.000 Yeah, that's like, A, you couldn't get your own worth.

02:01:13.000 Exactly. 0.99

02:01:14.000 And you're willing to bang this weirdo. 0.99

02:01:17.000 It's sad for women. 1.00

02:01:18.000 If a woman is in a good relationship and she sees a girl who's a gold digger, who's married to some big fatso, she's like, oh, poor girl. 0.82

02:01:27.000 I know your value, honey.

02:01:29.000 You deserve more than this.

02:01:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:01:32.000 But that's the biggest misconception, is that it's all men. 0.97

02:01:35.000 And look, a lot of it, we're shallow, we're pigs, but like, women are so shallow to other women. 1.00

02:01:39.000 It's like a hot girl walks in, your girlfriend's now pissed, and you're like, why? 0.98

02:01:43.000 She could be nice. 0.91

02:01:44.000 Like, I don't like her.

02:01:45.000 Like, what if you don't like her?

02:01:46.000 You don't even met her. 1.00

02:01:47.000 Ah, she's got huge tits, and they're out, I don't like her. 1.00

02:01:49.000 And you're like, alright. 1.00

02:01:50.000 And like...

02:01:52.000 But look at men.

02:01:53.000 They don't like the way it makes them feel.

02:01:55.000 That's what it is.

02:01:56.000 It makes them feel like this girl's going to get all the attention. 0.97

02:01:59.000 I remember one of my wife's friends had a wedding, and one of the guests brought a girl.

02:02:09.000 It might not have been my wife's friend.

02:02:10.000 I'm trying to remember now.

02:02:11.000 But one of the girls brought a guest... 1.00

02:02:14.000 One of the guests, rather, like a male guest, brought a date, and the date was smoking hot and had a low-cut blouse and a tight skirt, and she was fucking furious. 1.00

02:02:29.000 Ah, yeah. 0.97

02:02:30.000 I remember this conversation. 1.00

02:02:32.000 I'd be like, why does she give a fuck? 1.00

02:02:33.000 Because it's her big day. 1.00

02:02:34.000 It's her big day.

02:02:35.000 Right, now the attention.

02:02:36.000 This girl was getting all the attention. 1.00

02:02:38.000 Could you imagine that?

02:02:40.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

02:02:42.000 Weird, right?

02:02:42.000 I mean, but you, you're, I'm an insecure guy.

02:02:44.000 I see like a tall, hunky, hot guy.

02:02:46.000 And I don't hate the guy, but I just take it in.

02:02:49.000 I go, ah, I wish I was, looked like that.

02:02:52.000 Take solace in the fact that those guys are almost never funny.

02:02:56.000 That's true.

02:02:56.000 Good point.

02:02:57.000 They're like a hot woman. 1.00

02:02:59.000 Right.

02:03:00.000 They're so rare that everyone's stumbling over themselves to get to them, so the guy never developed a sense of humor.

02:03:05.000 Now, that's not absolute.

02:03:06.000 There's exceptions.

02:03:07.000 There, I'm sure, are good-looking, tall, handsome, Thor-looking dudes who are hilarious.

02:03:13.000 Right.

02:03:14.000 It's rare.

02:03:15.000 I never met one, but I heard they're out there.

02:03:17.000 They're like Bigfoot.

02:03:18.000 You just gotta go finding them.

02:03:19.000 Well, that's what seems so appealing about Brad Pitt.

02:03:21.000 He's like this tall, good-looking guy.

02:03:23.000 He's like the poster boy for a hot guy.

02:03:25.000 And I was watching Jackass one time, and some guy was in a chicken costume, and he was in a shopping cart, and the shopping cart hit a speed bump.

02:03:35.000 He flew out.

02:03:36.000 The helmet came off or the mask came off.

02:03:38.000 It was Brad Pitt.

02:03:39.000 Oh, wow.

02:03:40.000 Pull that up, J-Mo. 0.55

02:03:41.000 It's amazing. 1.00

02:03:41.000 This fucking hunk is hanging out with these dirtbags, and he's in a fucking shopping cart like the rest of them. 1.00

02:03:47.000 What year was this? 1.00

02:03:48.000 Late 90s, I'm sure. 0.96

02:03:50.000 Very early jackass. 0.95

02:03:51.000 They did a kidnapping on the streets of Hollywood. 0.97

02:03:55.000 What year was this?

02:03:56.000 So he was already a movie star.

02:03:57.000 He was huge, yeah.

02:03:59.000 So he was already a movie star, and he got kidnapped.

02:04:02.000 So this is clearly set up, obviously.

02:04:05.000 I think he's at Pink's right there, I think.

02:04:06.000 Oh, he's at Pink's.

02:04:07.000 Is that what it is, the big line?

02:04:08.000 Yeah.

02:04:09.000 I mean, look at the guy.

02:04:10.000 He's beautiful.

02:04:12.000 And then...

02:04:13.000 He's cutting the line.

02:04:14.000 They should have kidnapped him.

02:04:15.000 Maybe he'll just stand there for a while.

02:04:16.000 No, no, no.

02:04:17.000 He cut the line.

02:04:18.000 They cut the video.

02:04:19.000 They should put him in jail.

02:04:20.000 But, yeah. 1.00

02:04:21.000 That line at Pink's is the dumbest line that's ever existed. 1.00

02:04:23.000 It's a fucking hot dog. 1.00

02:04:24.000 It's not even a good hot dog. 1.00

02:04:25.000 Oh, really?

02:04:25.000 It's a regular hot dog.

02:04:26.000 Oof.

02:04:27.000 It's not like...

02:04:27.000 They're yelling at him.

02:04:28.000 Yeah, they grab him and they pick him up. 0.99

02:04:30.000 And he's fucking with it. 0.99

02:04:31.000 He's going with it. 1.00

02:04:31.000 He's committing to the bit. 1.00

02:04:32.000 You gotta love this guy.

02:04:34.000 No one helps at all. 0.99

02:04:35.000 They don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:04:36.000 Oh, one guy. 0.99

02:04:37.000 The manager.

02:04:38.000 He half-assed it.

02:04:39.000 He half-assed it.

02:04:41.000 Oh, we gotta chase.

02:04:43.000 This is pre-cell phone camera too.

02:04:45.000 No, they got a phone.

02:04:47.000 Got a flip phone.

02:04:48.000 He's got a flip.

02:04:50.000 Alright, they're all talking.

02:04:51.000 They're on the horn at least.

02:04:52.000 There's the people that didn't sign the waiver.

02:04:54.000 There's the guy who did sign the waiver.

02:04:57.000 You see their blurred out faces, the guys who wouldn't sign the waiver.

02:05:00.000 Wait!

02:05:01.000 But yeah, at one point he's in a shopping cart, I swear to God.

02:05:04.000 Listen, it's totally possible.

02:05:05.000 It's totally possible to be...

02:05:07.000 You know who's got a great sense of humor?

02:05:09.000 Chris Pratt?

02:05:10.000 Yeah, he's another one.

02:05:11.000 He's a hunk. 0.99

02:05:11.000 He's a hunk, but he was a fat guy. 0.99

02:05:12.000 But he was a fat guy for a while. 0.98

02:05:14.000 Exactly. 0.63

02:05:14.000 It all checks out, baby. 0.63

02:05:16.000 Fat guys are funny.

02:05:17.000 That's what you want.

02:05:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:05:19.000 Fat guy who gets his shit together. 1.00

02:05:20.000 Like, you could even say Jim Carrey was a handsome guy. 1.00

02:05:22.000 He was a handsome guy.

02:05:23.000 But he was homeless as a kid.

02:05:25.000 Oh. 0.99

02:05:25.000 And that'll fuck you up. 0.99

02:05:27.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:05:28.000 He lived in a van with his dad or something.

02:05:30.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:05:31.000 That's some deep need.

02:05:33.000 Norm MacDonald at one point was a handsome guy, but he lived on a farm with his grandpa in the middle of nowhere, so I don't think he got the handsome love. 0.98

02:05:41.000 Yeah, he's a fucking great guy. 0.95

02:05:43.000 He's my hero. 0.97

02:05:44.000 I love him to death.

02:05:45.000 Maybe one of the funniest guys on the planet.

02:05:47.000 Dave Attell, Norm, and that...

02:05:49.000 There's something about those two.

02:05:51.000 National Treasures.

02:05:52.000 I agree.

02:05:53.000 And the fact that he's not, like, the biggest comic of all time is weird.

02:05:57.000 Well, he is to us.

02:05:58.000 I guess so.

02:05:59.000 To comics.

02:06:00.000 I mean, he's not the biggest, but the comics he's on...

02:06:03.000 The Mount Rushmore keeps getting bigger.

02:06:05.000 I know.

02:06:05.000 Four heads is not a good enough mount.

02:06:07.000 You gotta stop using that thing.

02:06:08.000 Yeah, it's a bad thing to say, the Mount Rushmore, but in the Hall of Fame.

02:06:12.000 Hall of Fame.

02:06:13.000 That's the thing.

02:06:14.000 There you go, yeah.

02:06:14.000 He's in the Hall of Fame.

02:06:15.000 He's like on another level where he's invented certain things I never knew.

02:06:19.000 He's taking comedy to this higher point, which I didn't know existed.

02:06:23.000 Hmm.

02:06:23.000 I wish I could come up with an example.

02:06:26.000 Well, he's another guy, too, that still does real comedy. 0.99

02:06:28.000 When he goes on stage, he's fucking ballsy. 0.99

02:06:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:06:32.000 He swings.

02:06:33.000 Right.

02:06:34.000 And he gets confused if everybody's mad.

02:06:36.000 Like, what's happening?

02:06:37.000 Yeah.

02:06:37.000 Just a joke, folks.

02:06:39.000 He keeps it real.

02:06:40.000 You don't have to pull this up because it's long, but there was a radio show, like a morning show, like you have to do on the road.

02:06:48.000 We're good to go.

02:07:08.000 What radio show is this?

02:07:09.000 It's on YouTube.

02:07:10.000 I don't know. 0.99

02:07:11.000 It's just some dickless and jizz in the morning, you know, one of those things. 0.97

02:07:14.000 People don't like him doing things. 1.00

02:07:16.000 When he was doing his Netflix show, someone specifically did not want him doing interviews because he got on the Howard Stern show and he wanted to say, well, if you think that way, you're fucking retarded. 0.99

02:07:28.000 Right. 0.98

02:07:28.000 But he didn't want to be offensive. 0.98

02:07:30.000 So, well, you think that, you must have Down syndrome.

02:07:32.000 Right.

02:07:33.000 He thought that would be the better thing to say.

02:07:35.000 I guess it is.

02:07:37.000 I'm not sure.

02:07:38.000 Everybody started freaking out that he said that.

02:07:41.000 Instead, he thought he was covering his tracks.

02:07:44.000 Right, right, right.

02:07:46.000 And so he couldn't do interviews after that.

02:07:48.000 Yeah, he's brilliant.

02:07:49.000 I mean, the little things. 0.95

02:07:51.000 He's just one of those guys who describes the most basic shit that we all know, but it's funny because he points it out. 0.93

02:07:58.000 His Letterman set, the last Letterman, when he goes... 0.98

02:08:01.000 Yeah, yeah, Germany decided to attack the world, you know, and you're like, that's so true! 1.00

02:08:06.000 And then he goes, who do you think you are, Mars?

02:08:08.000 I mean, it's just so funny, those little things where he's just telling you facts and it's funny.

02:08:13.000 Yeah.

02:08:13.000 Well, he's a unique dude.

02:08:16.000 There's a lot of unique people in this weird art form.

02:08:19.000 Have you hung out with him?

02:08:20.000 Yeah.

02:08:20.000 I've never hung out with him.

02:08:21.000 I hung out with him twice accidentally on two separate occasions.

02:08:25.000 The airplane.

02:08:26.000 I told you about it, right?

02:08:27.000 I heard they are the one of them and he's smoking.

02:08:30.000 Yeah.

02:08:30.000 That's hilarious.

02:08:31.000 Smoking as soon as he landed.

02:08:32.000 He was talking about how great it was to quit smoking.

02:08:34.000 As soon as he landed, he ran into the gift shop and bought cigarettes and was lighting them before he was on his way out the door.

02:08:39.000 I go, I thought you quit.

02:08:39.000 He goes, I did.

02:08:40.000 Talking about it.

02:08:41.000 I wanted to smoke.

02:08:42.000 Yeah, he just does what he wants, it feels like.

02:08:44.000 But randomly, on two occasions, I just was sitting next to him on a plane.

02:08:47.000 Wow, that's so weird.

02:08:49.000 One time I was sitting right behind Richard Jenny, right before he died.

02:08:53.000 Right before he died.

02:08:54.000 Did he say hello?

02:08:55.000 It was from here, from Austin, Texas.

02:08:57.000 He was in Austin doing...

02:08:59.000 Yeah, I said hello.

02:09:00.000 He was in Austin doing a corporate gig, and I was at Cap City.

02:09:04.000 Wow.

02:09:04.000 And we were on a plane.

02:09:06.000 I'm pretty sure it was Austin.

02:09:07.000 We were on a plane together at the same time, and I got to talk to him.

02:09:11.000 It wasn't like a year or so maybe before he died. 0.97

02:09:14.000 I can't remember exactly, but it was enough that I remember thinking, fuck, why didn't I talk more to him? 0.99

02:09:20.000 Right. 0.96

02:09:20.000 How could you know? 0.96

02:09:21.000 Yeah, I only had a couple of conversations with him ever.

02:09:25.000 He's always such an awkward guy.

02:09:27.000 I met Carlin once, and that was pretty big for me.

02:09:30.000 I went to a book signing, and I was in line.

02:09:34.000 It was at a Borders Books on Wall Street in Manhattan, and all these people were going up, I loved you in Jersey, girl.

02:09:39.000 You were great in Dogma.

02:09:40.000 And I'm like, oh, these people don't get it.

02:09:41.000 They're not real comedy fans.

02:09:43.000 And then I went up, and I just unloaded on them.

02:09:45.000 And I had all these books in my hand.

02:09:46.000 I was like, I love this bit, and that joke, and that special is one of your best things ever.

02:09:50.000 And he was like, are you a comic?

02:09:52.000 I go, yeah.

02:09:52.000 He goes, you sound like a comic.

02:09:54.000 And I go, really?

02:09:55.000 He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around.

02:09:57.000 And I don't know what that means, but my friends were watching.

02:10:00.000 They hit the floor, I hit the floor, we got a photo, and that was it.

02:10:03.000 You got a real talent for jacking around.

02:10:05.000 I met him at the back alleyway of the store.

02:10:07.000 Oh, wow.

02:10:08.000 Yeah, he was doing sets there.

02:10:10.000 And this is like 2000...

02:10:13.000 I want to say it's like three or four, somewhere around then, and he was working out material. 0.98

02:10:18.000 Damn. 0.98

02:10:18.000 Super friendly, man. 0.98

02:10:20.000 Real friendly.

02:10:20.000 Hung around like was normal.

02:10:22.000 Normal guy.

02:10:23.000 Walked right through the crowd like normal.

02:10:25.000 Said hi to everybody like other comics.

02:10:27.000 Said hi to door guys.

02:10:28.000 Yeah.

02:10:29.000 He's like, hey, how are you?

02:10:30.000 How are you?

02:10:30.000 I go, what's up, man?

02:10:31.000 He goes, hey, how you doing?

02:10:33.000 Walked right through.

02:10:33.000 There you go.

02:10:34.000 Good comics are normal.

02:10:36.000 Seinfeld, normal guy.

02:10:37.000 I think at least you've got to be able to hang.

02:10:40.000 I think the hang is a part of the diet.

02:10:44.000 We were talking about you can eat those MRE meals and survive.

02:10:48.000 You can be on your own and still be funny and survive, but Jenny was a guy that didn't really hang around with a lot of guys.

02:10:55.000 That's true.

02:10:55.000 Those guys that don't hang around with other comics or don't like to.

02:10:59.000 Some comics, as weird as it is, they go on stage and they perform in front of all these people.

02:11:04.000 They're kind of introverts.

02:11:06.000 Oh yeah, oh yeah.

02:11:07.000 I've got a lot of that where I have to force myself.

02:11:09.000 It's almost like going to the gym.

02:11:10.000 I'll see a table at the cellar of all these great comics and I'm like, my first instinct is to not go.

02:11:16.000 I don't want to go over there, but then I go, ah, just go, and then it's always great.

02:11:20.000 Yeah.

02:11:34.000 Nothing better.

02:11:42.000 It's so, like, fulfilling.

02:11:44.000 Like, I feel, after it's over, like, that's what I was missing.

02:11:47.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:11:48.000 I was missing those shit talk sessions. 1.00

02:11:50.000 Completely. 1.00

02:11:51.000 With people who don't...

02:11:52.000 They're not gonna get offended by anything.

02:11:54.000 Right.

02:11:54.000 Like, they're just swinging haymakers at each other.

02:11:57.000 Yeah.

02:11:57.000 And everybody's laughing.

02:11:59.000 I know.

02:11:59.000 And then you get these fans...

02:12:00.000 You ever have these, like, people who like your act and they go, Hey, you're coming to Austin...

02:12:04.000 Let's get a sandwich. 0.99

02:12:06.000 We'll bullshit. 0.99

02:12:06.000 I'm like, what are you kidding? 0.99

02:12:08.000 That's work.

02:12:09.000 That's the last thing I want to do is listen to you about your family and your job.

02:12:12.000 I want to go talk to Wolf and chop it up.

02:12:15.000 They don't know any better.

02:12:16.000 I guess so.

02:12:17.000 They're just comics.

02:12:18.000 They're just comics.

02:12:20.000 They're just fans, rather.

02:12:21.000 They just want to get to know you.

02:12:21.000 But that's the cool thing about comedy is like, okay, Mick Jagger.

02:12:26.000 You could say the biggest musician alive, maybe, or Paul McCartney.

02:12:30.000 If you're a barroom guitar act, you're never going to meet Mick Jagger.

02:12:34.000 But I have met Carlin, you've met Jenny.

02:12:38.000 Isn't that cool that comedy, the A to B is so much closer?

02:12:42.000 Man, I met Hicks when I was a literal open-miker.

02:12:46.000 I'd been doing comedy like twice.

02:12:48.000 What's he like?

02:12:49.000 I didn't get to talk to him.

02:12:51.000 I was in his presence, I should say, more than I met him.

02:12:54.000 He was right there.

02:12:55.000 Wow.

02:12:55.000 I was like, hey, what's up?

02:12:57.000 What's up?

02:12:58.000 I didn't meet him and talk to him.

02:13:00.000 I met you at the Ryman years ago, and you were a big name, obviously.

02:13:05.000 It was all sold out, but I feel like you've escalated to another stratosphere.

02:13:10.000 But I remember being like, oh, I met Rogan.

02:13:12.000 That was cool.

02:13:13.000 But I didn't get much out of you. 0.99

02:13:16.000 And I was like, damn it. 0.99

02:13:17.000 But that's the breaks. 0.99

02:13:19.000 It's not always going to be a headlock and a noogie and a diner hang until three in the morning.

02:13:23.000 It's risky.

02:13:24.000 It's risky.

02:13:25.000 You've got to take a chance when you let a comic into the fold.

02:13:28.000 Of course. 0.91

02:13:29.000 Where was it where we were hanging out and we hung out in a fucking hotel lobby with a couple other comics? 0.99

02:13:34.000 Atlanta. 0.99

02:13:35.000 Like five in the morning or something ridiculous. 0.82

02:13:37.000 We were pretty sloppy in Atlanta with Santino. 0.57

02:13:40.000 That's right.

02:13:41.000 Yeah, that was a great hang.

02:13:42.000 That was a great hang.

02:13:43.000 Yeah.

02:13:44.000 That was a lot of fun.

02:13:44.000 That was a great comic hang.

02:13:46.000 Yes. 1.00

02:13:47.000 Just comics, sitting around, talking shit. 1.00

02:13:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:13:50.000 There's that two seconds of like, hey, how you doing?

02:13:52.000 Nice to meet you.

02:13:53.000 And then, hey, you ever seen that one Leno bit or whatever?

02:13:56.000 And then you're off and running. 0.98

02:13:58.000 Well, once we started talking about comedy and joke writing and that kind of shit and talking about the dedication, I go, oh, he's for real. 0.98

02:14:08.000 I can tell. 0.97

02:14:09.000 Because it's hard to know.

02:14:10.000 You don't know.

02:14:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:14:11.000 He's a poser.

02:14:12.000 Sometimes you get guys that laugh at shit that's not really funny and they're just trying to get closer and closer and just want to work their way in. 0.96

02:14:18.000 That's weird. 0.97

02:14:19.000 That must be how a lady feels all the time. 1.00

02:14:22.000 All day.

02:14:23.000 It's gotta be a nightmare.

02:14:24.000 That's how most of them feel. 0.98

02:14:24.000 That's why they think guys are douchebags. 0.98

02:14:26.000 Because most of them are just trying to slip their stinky little hog into their body. 1.00

02:14:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:14:30.000 Imagine, everywhere you go, someone wants to slip their stupid little dong into your beautiful, pristine, unvarnished snatch. 1.00

02:14:40.000 Beautiful gash. 1.00

02:14:41.000 But here's the thing.

02:14:42.000 Every now and then, a lady wants you to be that guy. 1.00

02:14:45.000 Isn't that weird?

02:14:46.000 That's the weird sexual dance.

02:14:47.000 They want you to be that guy if you're hot.

02:14:49.000 I know, but...

02:14:50.000 But if you look like Thor and you're that guy, sometimes they like it.

02:14:53.000 But how many ladies have you seen and you're like, she's with that guy? 0.97

02:14:57.000 Because she saw something in him, something resonates, something clicks, and you're like, maybe I could be that guy. 0.98

02:15:03.000 Well, there's some guys that like bitchy women. 1.00

02:15:06.000 There's some guys that like women that tell them what to do. 0.96

02:15:09.000 They enjoy it.

02:15:09.000 They always wind up finding that girl who yells at them and tells them what to do.

02:15:13.000 They get off on it.

02:15:14.000 That's a nightmare.

02:15:16.000 It's weird.

02:15:17.000 Yeah, that's a horrible kink to have. 1.00

02:15:19.000 But it's almost like, you know, you meet that girl, she's like, I keep dating alcoholics.

02:15:22.000 And you're like, well, yeah, your dad was a drunk, you know, which is in you.

02:15:25.000 Oh.

02:15:26.000 It's like familiarity, and you just go towards it.

02:15:28.000 Or the opposite.

02:15:29.000 Either you gravitate towards it, or you run from it with every fiber of your being. 0.99

02:15:32.000 Right, like the dad who hates black people, and she's on black.com now. 0.99

02:15:37.000 She went the other way. 1.00

02:15:39.000 She's like, I'll show you, piece of shit. 1.00

02:15:41.000 Look where I am now. 1.00

02:15:42.000 Do you go with the interracial porn? 0.85

02:15:45.000 I like to pretend it's me, so that's hard to do. 0.97

02:15:48.000 Oh, good point.

02:15:49.000 It's harder to do.

02:15:49.000 Good point, yeah, when it's some 6'5 stallion.

02:15:52.000 With a giant dong. 0.96

02:15:54.000 I mean, black people have to be at least thankful for the dong. 1.00

02:15:58.000 I mean, there's a lot of other stuff. 0.95

02:15:59.000 They don't all get it, but imagine being a black guy that doesn't have one. 0.98

02:16:02.000 That's gotta be tough. 0.96

02:16:03.000 That's rude.

02:16:03.000 That's brutal.

02:16:04.000 That's gotta be the worst.

02:16:05.000 Like, they expect it? 1.00

02:16:06.000 It's like a dumb Asian. 1.00

02:16:08.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:16:09.000 How dare you? 1.00

02:16:10.000 Well, I'm saying most Asians are smart, so being dumb... 1.00

02:16:12.000 Isn't it funny, though, that that's almost racist? 0.99

02:16:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:16:16.000 To say that?

02:16:17.000 Same with the Jewish, though. 0.99

02:16:18.000 Like, hey, they're great at business. 1.00

02:16:20.000 Oh, you piece of shit. 1.00

02:16:21.000 I know, but it's a compliment. 1.00

02:16:22.000 I remember I was at a show once when I was, I don't know how long in a comedy, not very long, and I did a college, and someone...

02:16:31.000 I was doing like a little Q&A with the audience.

02:16:33.000 I did my hour, and then I was doing a little Q&A, and someone said, do you know any joke jokes?

02:16:38.000 I think.

02:16:39.000 I think that was how it started out.

02:16:41.000 Where are you going?

02:16:41.000 Where are you going, Jamie?

02:16:43.000 Going to pee?

02:16:43.000 Bring us back some whiskey.

02:16:45.000 Oh, and two glasses.

02:16:46.000 Oh, boy.

02:16:47.000 Oh, boy.

02:16:48.000 Two shows tonight.

02:16:50.000 I go, they go, you know, tell us a joke joke.

02:16:53.000 I go, I know one.

02:16:55.000 Two Jews walking to a bar.

02:16:56.000 They buy it.

02:16:58.000 Not a good joke.

02:16:59.000 Terrible joke.

02:17:00.000 I like it.

02:17:00.000 This guy came up to me after the show, and he was real timid about it, but he felt like he had a shot.

02:17:05.000 And he goes, I was actually offended by that joke.

02:17:07.000 Oh, boy.

02:17:09.000 Legitimately.

02:17:10.000 We're talking like 1991?

02:17:13.000 Yeah.

02:17:13.000 92?

02:17:14.000 Wow.

02:17:15.000 Yeah.

02:17:15.000 I go, you were offended.

02:17:17.000 I go, it's a joke about being good at business.

02:17:20.000 Yeah.

02:17:21.000 What's offensive?

02:17:22.000 Right.

02:17:22.000 It's a stereotype.

02:17:24.000 I go, it's a stereotype about Jews being good at business.

02:17:27.000 Two Jews walk into a bar, they buy it. 0.99

02:17:29.000 There is nothing offensive about that.

02:17:30.000 If I was a Jew, I'd high-five my Hebrew brethren.

02:17:33.000 There's nothing detrimental.

02:17:36.000 There's nothing derogatory.

02:17:38.000 There's nothing negative.

02:17:40.000 No.

02:17:41.000 How is that offensive?

02:17:43.000 Who's looking to be offended?

02:17:44.000 That's what it is.

02:17:45.000 And that was pre-Twitter.

02:17:46.000 Wait!

02:17:47.000 That guy must be the biggest social justice warrior of all time now.

02:17:50.000 Now he's the king.

02:17:51.000 Now he's probably a professor somewhere.

02:17:53.000 This is why Seinfeld's a badass.

02:17:54.000 He's a big hebe. 1.00

02:17:55.000 And I had this joke where I say, I met my girl on that Jewish app.

02:18:00.000 What's that Jewish app?

02:18:01.000 PayPal.

02:18:02.000 Got a big laugh.

02:18:03.000 It was a bulletproof bit.

02:18:05.000 Never bombed.

02:18:06.000 But I was considering changing it to Venmo.

02:18:09.000 I was like, maybe Venmo is more modern or whatever.

02:18:12.000 And Seinfeld in the green room goes, keep it as PayPal because it's got the word pay in it.

02:18:16.000 And I was like, Yeah! 1.00

02:18:17.000 And this is a big, you know, this is the King Jew saying this shit. 1.00

02:18:20.000 And that's why he's a more comic than Jew. 1.00

02:18:21.000 Oh, yeah.

02:18:22.000 Venmo makes you think.

02:18:23.000 What is that?

02:18:24.000 You pay money?

02:18:25.000 Right, right.

02:18:26.000 PayPal is... 0.98

02:18:27.000 Yeah, like, my mom probably has no idea what the fuck Venmo is. 0.98

02:18:30.000 Right. 0.94

02:18:30.000 But she knows what PayPal is. 0.94

02:18:31.000 There you go.

02:18:32.000 Yeah.

02:18:32.000 Invented by Elon Musk.

02:18:33.000 Yes.

02:18:34.000 Who's about to be your neighbor.

02:18:35.000 Yeah, he's moving out here.

02:18:37.000 Gave up.

02:18:38.000 Yeah.

02:18:39.000 Well, you know, California. 1.00

02:18:40.000 Tired of this bullshit. 1.00

02:18:41.000 It's had its run. 1.00

02:18:42.000 It was great.

02:18:43.000 California Dreamin', Beach Boys, good times, but it feels like everybody's getting hip to it.

02:18:48.000 Now it's all tents and U-Hauls.

02:18:52.000 That's a great meme.

02:18:53.000 Gavin Newsom was like the best thing that ever happened to U-Haul.

02:18:55.000 Oh, he really is.

02:18:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:57.000 Him and fucking de Blasio. 1.00

02:19:00.000 Well, he's got a vineyard open. 1.00

02:19:02.000 He's going to restaurants. 0.88

02:19:03.000 Like, the hypocrisy is bananas. 0.92

02:19:06.000 Did you see what happened with the mayor of Austin? 0.87

02:19:08.000 No.

02:19:09.000 Told people, now's not the time to relax.

02:19:11.000 We gotta buckle down.

02:19:12.000 While he was in Cabo partying.

02:19:15.000 No way!

02:19:16.000 He made the film.

02:19:17.000 He made the actual film.

02:19:19.000 Jamie Brink brought us two half bottles.

02:19:22.000 We have a whole case of this Austin Still stuff.

02:19:26.000 It's alright.

02:19:26.000 No, we don't need more.

02:19:27.000 We're good, we're good, we're good.

02:19:28.000 Now, what do you got? 1.00

02:19:28.000 I'm just fucking around. 1.00

02:19:29.000 I'm gonna give you this. 0.99

02:19:30.000 Come on, we're drinking the same things.

02:19:31.000 Oh, okay.

02:19:31.000 And when we're done with that, we'll have this.

02:19:33.000 Alright.

02:19:34.000 What time are your shows tonight?

02:19:35.000 Six and nine.

02:19:36.000 Six and nine.

02:19:37.000 Oh, it's perfect.

02:19:38.000 I'll just slide right into it.

02:19:39.000 Dude, you're perfect.

02:19:40.000 And the show's pretty close to here.

02:19:42.000 We're going to need more.

02:19:43.000 I'm going to have to mix whiskeys.

02:19:44.000 You want to mix?

02:19:45.000 Yeah, let's mix them.

02:19:48.000 No, we'll get it later.

02:19:49.000 And we get to honestly say, hey, we did the show and we killed two bottles of whiskey. 0.94

02:19:53.000 Yeah, we killed them.

02:19:54.000 Yeah, I mean, they were already dying. 0.93

02:19:56.000 Hey, Mazel Tov.

02:19:58.000 Happy Hanukkah.

02:20:01.000 Is that today?

02:20:02.000 Yes.

02:20:03.000 Is it?

02:20:04.000 Yeah.

02:20:04.000 Oh boy.

02:20:05.000 First day of Hanukkah.

02:20:05.000 Look at that.

02:20:06.000 Hey! 0.99

02:20:07.000 Weird how Jew is a religion and they... 1.00

02:20:09.000 By the way, Jews get no street cred, I feel like, for how much they were, you know, tortured and whatnot. 1.00

02:20:17.000 Or, you know, burned in ovens and all that shit. 0.99

02:20:20.000 You don't think they get street cred for that? 1.00

02:20:21.000 No! 0.51

02:20:22.000 I think people are like, ah, you're Jewish, you're fine, you own the weather, you're killing it, you know? 1.00

02:20:26.000 You own the weather! 0.90

02:20:27.000 And how?

02:20:27.000 But, like, every other group is like, you know, gets a lot of, you know, sympathy.

02:20:32.000 But I don't feel like Jews get it. 1.00

02:20:34.000 There's a weird ability for some people to accept anti-Semitism when they would never accept any other kind of...

02:20:39.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:20:40.000 They would never accept any other kind of discrimination.

02:20:44.000 Right, right.

02:20:44.000 Yeah.

02:20:45.000 Some people that are weird conspiracy theorists, that's one sign that you're going down a dark road and you start blaming things on the Jews.

02:20:53.000 Oh yeah, red flag.

02:20:55.000 It's one of the signs.

02:20:56.000 It's clockwork every time.

02:20:58.000 It seems like a little schizophrenic-y too. 0.66

02:21:00.000 When people go schizophrenic, they oftentimes start blaming things on Jews.

02:21:04.000 Yeah. 0.87

02:21:05.000 And it's the weirdest group to hate because you can't spot them. 0.90

02:21:08.000 If you hate black or Asian, you're like, alright, I got one there, I got one there. 1.00

02:21:12.000 But Jew, you're like, what's your last name? 0.98

02:21:14.000 For the ones that are conspiratorially bent, they start thinking about Hollywood and Hollywood controlling the media. 0.52

02:21:22.000 And then they start thinking, the Jews are pulling the strings. 0.59

02:21:26.000 They're pulling the strings.

02:21:28.000 I know.

02:21:28.000 But there's a ton of anti-Semitic statues.

02:21:31.000 Like Walt Disney or Roald Dahl.

02:21:35.000 Was Walt Disney anti-Semitic?

02:21:37.000 That's the rumor!

02:21:39.000 Yeah.

02:21:40.000 Imagine a Robert E. Lee land.

02:21:42.000 I feel like when you say that, you should probably have some actual things to pull.

02:21:48.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:21:49.000 He's dead.

02:21:49.000 But if you wanted to say to me, you know, about Al Capone ran organized crime.

02:21:55.000 Syphilis.

02:21:55.000 Are you sure?

02:21:56.000 Yeah.

02:21:57.000 No, he did.

02:21:57.000 He was a mob boss.

02:21:59.000 Like, I could tell you what I know about Al Capone and him being a mob boss.

02:22:03.000 Sure.

02:22:03.000 What can you tell me about Walt Disney?

02:22:06.000 I have a lot of Jewish friends and they talk about it.

02:22:09.000 Right.

02:22:10.000 And I feel like they would know.

02:22:11.000 I feel like they would probably know more than you, but I feel like if you're going to say it, that's a big thing to say.

02:22:18.000 Sure, sure.

02:22:19.000 Didn't we get done talking about calling people racist and you don't really have a good example for it?

02:22:24.000 You got a point.

02:22:25.000 You got a point.

02:22:26.000 Let's find out.

02:22:27.000 I'm saying I've heard he was an anti-Semite.

02:22:29.000 I'm not saying he is. 0.98

02:22:30.000 Did you hear it from whiny Jews? 1.00

02:22:32.000 Ha ha! 0.99

02:22:32.000 I can't say that either. 0.99

02:22:34.000 They don't exist. 0.97

02:22:35.000 There are no whiny Jews. 0.98

02:22:37.000 But nobody wants to hear what stereotypes have to come from somewhere. 0.95

02:22:40.000 I'm Italian.

02:22:41.000 I'll tell you about all the stereotypes from Italians.

02:22:43.000 They're loud.

02:22:44.000 Most of it's true.

02:22:45.000 They force food on you.

02:22:46.000 They hit their wives.

02:22:46.000 All true.

02:22:47.000 They're all linked up with the mob.

02:22:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:22:50.000 I'm half Italian and I don't give a shit. 0.99

02:22:52.000 My grandmother went to jail. 1.00

02:22:53.000 Oh yeah?

02:22:54.000 My grandmother went to jail for running numbers. 0.98

02:22:56.000 What?

02:22:57.000 Yes.

02:22:57.000 How cool is that?

02:22:58.000 It's weird.

02:22:59.000 I didn't find out until I was an adult.

02:23:01.000 When I was a little kid, I knew she had disappeared for a little while.

02:23:04.000 I didn't know what was going on.

02:23:05.000 We'd always like, where's grandma?

02:23:07.000 Oh, she's at her aunt.

02:23:08.000 She's at Aunt Mary's.

02:23:09.000 Whoa.

02:23:10.000 The idea of a grandma in the clink is so crazy.

02:23:13.000 And she was knitting sweaters for the guards.

02:23:15.000 Like, literally.

02:23:17.000 Old Italian lady. 1.00

02:23:18.000 Was it, like, Guinea jail?

02:23:19.000 Like, mob jail?

02:23:20.000 Like, on Goodfellas where they're eating lobster and drinking Cuddy Sark?

02:23:23.000 I don't know.

02:23:24.000 You know, my grandmother got very sick.

02:23:28.000 She had an aneurysm when I was, like...

02:23:30.000 I was young.

02:23:31.000 I think I was...

02:23:32.000 I might have been in like my pre-teens or maybe early teens.

02:23:39.000 It was something like that.

02:23:41.000 But she was supposed to die.

02:23:44.000 They gave her like 72 hours.

02:23:45.000 And she lived for 12 years.

02:23:48.000 Wow!

02:23:48.000 Yeah.

02:23:49.000 It was a long, slow process of leaving this earth.

02:23:54.000 Yeah.

02:23:54.000 And so I didn't get to talk to her much as an adult.

02:23:59.000 Most of it was as a young boy, and I was kind of scared of her.

02:24:02.000 She was a scary lady. 1.00

02:24:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:24:03.000 She would yell all the time.

02:24:04.000 She had a monkey. 0.99

02:24:05.000 What?

02:24:06.000 She had a monkey. 0.99

02:24:06.000 Yeah, she had a monkey named Chi-Chi. 0.99

02:24:08.000 Chi-Chi lived in the attic, and he would bite people. 1.00

02:24:11.000 But Chi-Chi... 1.00

02:24:12.000 This is terrifying.

02:24:12.000 She didn't keep Chi-Chi in the attic because Chi-Chi only liked her.

02:24:15.000 She shouldn't have had a fucking monkey, man. 1.00

02:24:17.000 No. 1.00

02:24:17.000 You're not supposed to have monkeys. 1.00

02:24:18.000 So is it shitting up there and everything? 0.96

02:24:20.000 I don't know. 0.97

02:24:21.000 Again, I was a little kid.

02:24:22.000 Imagine hearing that.

02:24:23.000 I think the monkey bit my cousin.

02:24:25.000 I'm trying to remember.

02:24:26.000 That sounds like a comedy album.

02:24:28.000 I think the monkey bit my cousin on HBO. I think it bit someone.

02:24:32.000 It might have bit my cousin.

02:24:34.000 I think it bit someone in the family.

02:24:37.000 That's hilarious.

02:24:37.000 I feel like it was one of my cousins.

02:24:38.000 I feel like it was my cousin, Iona.

02:24:40.000 Did he get powers?

02:24:41.000 I mean, that sounds like an origin story.

02:24:43.000 Historian and social critic Neil Gabler, author of An Empire on Their Own, How the Jews Invented Hollywood, said he exhaustively researched Disney for the 2006 book Walt Disney, The Triumph of the American Imagination.

02:24:57.000 I saw no evidence other than the casual anti-Semitism that was common to To non-Jews during Disney's 20th century era.

02:25:05.000 Alright.

02:25:05.000 Alright, so he wasn't really an anti-Semite.

02:25:07.000 I was wrong.

02:25:08.000 I take it back.

02:25:09.000 Oh, but look, Henry Ford, apparently. 0.59

02:25:11.000 He was a big old Jew hater.

02:25:14.000 Wow. 0.94

02:25:15.000 Never getting attention to his views.

02:25:17.000 I also heard Dr. Seuss.

02:25:19.000 What?

02:25:19.000 Yeah, I heard he didn't like the Jewish folk.

02:25:23.000 Did he rhyme them with news?

02:25:25.000 What did he do?

02:25:26.000 Snooze?

02:25:27.000 He would make up words.

02:25:29.000 Yeah, he was a genius.

02:25:30.000 And he's like one of those 11 people said no, and then the 12th guy said yes, so always stick with it, blah, blah, blah.

02:25:35.000 Well, he's another guy that he's drawing these things, and you look at them, and you immediately know they're coming from Dr. Seuss.

02:25:42.000 Very strange.

02:25:42.000 That's true.

02:25:43.000 There's a few guys that can do that.

02:25:45.000 Best kind of artist.

02:25:45.000 Yeah.

02:25:46.000 They develop this style, and you go, oh, I know who that is.

02:25:49.000 Right.

02:25:49.000 Yeah.

02:25:50.000 Picasso has that.

02:25:51.000 I mean, Quentin Tarantino has that.

02:25:53.000 Oh, for sure. 0.98

02:25:53.000 You go, this is a fucking Tarantino movie, and you get excited when they come out. 0.98

02:25:56.000 Yeah, for sure. 0.99

02:25:57.000 His grandniece backed up Meryl Streep's claims of his anti-Semitism that she recently...

02:26:02.000 Well, it's not recent, but a couple years ago said in an award ceremony or something.

02:26:07.000 Hmm.

02:26:08.000 What does she know about Walt Diz?

02:26:10.000 I don't know.

02:26:10.000 That's part of the...

02:26:12.000 Check out Dr. Seuss and Roald Dahl, if you don't mind there, Jame Jame. 0.99

02:26:17.000 Meryl Streep, anti-Semite check, misogynist, of course.

02:26:22.000 Well, we don't know who's the grandniece, right?

02:26:25.000 Huh.

02:26:27.000 Is she, like, super sensitive?

02:26:29.000 Yeah, just a weird group to hate.

02:26:30.000 They haven't done anything. 0.99

02:26:33.000 I can see you can make fun of them, you can shit on them, but, like... 0.99

02:26:36.000 Well, you know what it is, too? 0.99

02:26:37.000 Like...

02:26:39.000 Jews are one of the rare religions that doesn't want anybody joining. 1.00

02:26:42.000 That's true.

02:26:43.000 They don't make it easy for you.

02:26:44.000 That's true.

02:26:45.000 My uncle converted.

02:26:46.000 Oh, yeah?

02:26:47.000 Yeah, my Uncle Sal.

02:26:48.000 He converted when I was a little kid.

02:26:49.000 That's when I found out what Judaism was.

02:26:52.000 Right.

02:26:52.000 I was real young when it happened.

02:26:54.000 I was like seven or something like that.

02:26:55.000 Yeah.

02:26:55.000 I remember thinking like, what?

02:26:57.000 Wait.

02:26:57.000 I think I was younger than seven.

02:26:58.000 I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

02:27:00.000 Because we were Catholic.

02:27:01.000 I was like, there's something else?

02:27:02.000 Yes!

02:27:03.000 I was the same way.

02:27:04.000 What is this other thing?

02:27:05.000 What is it?

02:27:06.000 What do they believe in?

02:27:07.000 They're like, well, it's similar.

02:27:08.000 They believe in Jesus, but they don't think that Jesus was really as important as we think he was.

02:27:12.000 I was like, what are you saying?

02:27:14.000 I don't understand.

02:27:15.000 Who's right?

02:27:16.000 Exactly.

02:27:16.000 I remember freaking out.

02:27:17.000 That's a good question for a kid.

02:27:18.000 Because you just hear other ones and you're like, that's crazy.

02:27:21.000 And you're like, oh, ours isn't? 0.98

02:27:22.000 This guy's coming back from the dead and put on a cross and all that shit? 1.00

02:27:26.000 They're all crazy. 1.00

02:27:27.000 It's all crazy, but it's like their version of it was different than our version of it. 0.93

02:27:31.000 I was like, well, what are the differences?

02:27:32.000 And I remember nobody wanted to answer me because I was annoying and I was six or whatever it was.

02:27:36.000 Yeah, such an odd group to hate.

02:27:38.000 But religion, I went to Catholic school and we had one Jewish kid there and he took a ton of heat.

02:27:44.000 Did he?

02:27:45.000 Oh my God, just the hebe and the circumcised rabbi and Sabbath. 1.00

02:27:50.000 They waved bacon in his face and shit. 1.00

02:27:52.000 Well, I went to high school at Newton South High. 1.00

02:27:56.000 And we used to call it fast times at Hebrew High.

02:27:59.000 Because there was a lot of Jewish kids in my class.

02:28:03.000 So I was, from that point on, from high school era on, I was so used to being around Jewish kids. 1.00

02:28:09.000 It was so normal.

02:28:10.000 So any sort of discrimination or any sort of... 1.00

02:28:19.000 Derogatory shit about Jewish people didn't make any sense. 0.99

02:28:21.000 I agree. 1.00

02:28:23.000 Regular guys.

02:28:24.000 And then when you start doing the math, you're like, all my heroes.

02:28:26.000 You're like, oh, Groucho Marx, Jew. 1.00

02:28:29.000 Larry David, Jew. 0.95

02:28:30.000 You just start going online, you're like, I love Jews and I'm a wannabe.

02:28:34.000 You want to be Jew? 0.99

02:28:35.000 Yeah, oh yeah.

02:28:35.000 Mormon sounds Jewish.

02:28:37.000 You think?

02:28:37.000 You kind of could sneak it in.

02:28:38.000 I'll take it.

02:28:39.000 Because look, I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood, so I was the white guy.

02:28:43.000 Well, if you find yourself a nice Jewish lady, then you can convert. 0.84

02:28:46.000 And then your kids will be Jewish. 0.97

02:28:48.000 Yeah.

02:28:48.000 Because the kids, the mother determines the religion of the kids.

02:28:52.000 That's true.

02:28:52.000 It's like balding.

02:28:53.000 Yeah.

02:28:54.000 That's on the mom's side. 1.00

02:28:55.000 Yeah.

02:28:55.000 That's not even a joke.

02:28:56.000 It's true.

02:28:57.000 It's true, yeah.

02:28:57.000 Yeah.

02:28:58.000 But Jews had a little flavor. 0.98

02:29:00.000 They had something.

02:29:01.000 They had a history.

02:29:02.000 They're oppressed. 0.98

02:29:03.000 And as the white guy, you're just like, ah, I'm the token boring nerd.

02:29:07.000 Well, also, they have a history of fantastic success.

02:29:10.000 Yes!

02:29:11.000 Stop and think about all the Nobel Prize winners that happen to be European Jews.

02:29:16.000 It's crazy. 1.00

02:29:17.000 And back when they were shit on. 1.00

02:29:19.000 They still won all that shit. 1.00

02:29:20.000 Well, the numbers of European Jews that have invented things and won awards. 1.00

02:29:26.000 The other thing is that they stick to themselves.

02:29:28.000 So when people stick to themselves, they get discriminated against.

02:29:31.000 That's true.

02:29:31.000 That's a weird thing that happens.

02:29:35.000 A friend of mine described it really well.

02:29:37.000 He said you create a walled garden and other people can't get in.

02:29:40.000 And they automatically hate those inside the walled garden.

02:29:42.000 Even though they don't really hate you, one of the things they hate is that they can't be there.

02:29:46.000 Right.

02:29:46.000 Not to mention, though, we're chosen.

02:29:48.000 So he's kind of going, oh, you're chosen?

02:29:50.000 I'm not chosen? 1.00

02:29:50.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:29:51.000 Yeah, he was talking about just one of the things about comics, about groups of comics, that when you get a great group of really funny guys and they hang out together or girls or whatever... 0.99

02:30:02.000 That sometimes they get hate from people on the outside because they wish they had that going on.

02:30:08.000 So they get angry and they snipe at it.

02:30:10.000 And I think if you see any kind of real strong, loyal unity, and the Jews have a very loyal unity.

02:30:20.000 I agree, but it would look bad if other groups did it.

02:30:23.000 You know, if other groups were like, if you were like, you can only marry a white guy to your daughter, then you'd be like, Jesus, what's up with Rogan?

02:30:30.000 But when they do it, you get it.

02:30:31.000 When you say that's your son, you need to marry a Jewish girl. 1.00

02:30:34.000 Yeah.

02:30:34.000 Find yourself a nice Jewish girl, because they want the religion to pass on.

02:30:37.000 They want to keep going, yeah.

02:30:38.000 Yeah, you're allowed to do that, right?

02:30:39.000 That's weird.

02:30:40.000 That is weird.

02:30:41.000 If other groups did it, it'd be very frowned upon.

02:30:44.000 Well, if Muslims do it, you let it slide. 1.00

02:30:46.000 That's true, too. 1.00

02:30:47.000 I don't want to say shit. 1.00

02:30:48.000 I don't want to say shit. 1.00

02:30:48.000 I'll just let it go. 1.00

02:30:49.000 I think the weirder you look, the more it's okay.

02:30:52.000 Yeah, but if you're a Christian, you say, I want my son to marry a Christian girl, people are like, come on, Dad, let it go.

02:30:57.000 Yeah, right?

02:30:58.000 Jesus Christ.

02:30:59.000 Aren't you happy the kid's in love?

02:31:00.000 Exactly.

02:31:01.000 Does he have to be a Christian? 0.97

02:31:02.000 Just because you are?

02:31:03.000 Really? 1.00

02:31:04.000 Let him be his own fucking man, pops. 1.00

02:31:08.000 Also, what's crazy about Jews is they're so prominent. 1.00

02:31:10.000 We talk about them a lot.

02:31:11.000 They're around.

02:31:12.000 You know them.

02:31:12.000 They're 6% of the country.

02:31:15.000 6%.

02:31:15.000 Very small number.

02:31:16.000 Very small.

02:31:17.000 And look at all the progress and the work they've done for 6%.

02:31:20.000 And look at all that puppeteering.

02:31:22.000 Pulling all those strings at CNN and Hollywood.

02:31:25.000 Dr. Seuss apparently made cartoons in opposition of anti-Semitism. 1.00

02:31:32.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:31:33.000 You don't know what you're talking about. 1.00

02:31:35.000 I'm taking down every dead guy. 0.99

02:31:37.000 He got some shit for making some very racial cartoons about Japanese and Japanese Americans, but then apparently that's what Horton Hears a Who is about. 0.99

02:31:44.000 It's almost like an apology for it, I guess. 0.99

02:31:46.000 Oh! 0.60

02:31:47.000 Okay, okay.

02:31:49.000 Interesting.

02:31:49.000 I was just trying to read through it real quick.

02:31:50.000 You know what's really weird?

02:31:51.000 Watching old Bugs Bunnies.

02:31:53.000 Oh, it's crazy, huh?

02:31:55.000 The Japanese racism? 0.98

02:31:57.000 Japanese, yeah.

02:31:57.000 Oh my god.

02:31:58.000 The black stuff is weird. 1.00

02:31:59.000 He'll do blackface, and he's like, and all that shit. 1.00

02:32:02.000 It's crazy. 1.00

02:32:03.000 Oh.

02:32:04.000 Are those still available?

02:32:05.000 I think they're around.

02:32:07.000 That's the thing.

02:32:09.000 Say if you have a cartoon, and the cartoon is clearly discriminatory, clearly racist, clearly sexist, whatever it is.

02:32:19.000 Do you leave it there to show that people are different, or do you remove it from the record?

02:32:26.000 I think you leave it.

02:32:27.000 That was the discussion about Little Rascals, right?

02:32:31.000 Oh, O-Tay. 1.00

02:32:32.000 Yeah, a lot of people thought Little Rascals was like crazy racist. 0.88

02:32:36.000 Well, the Buckwheat character was crazy.

02:32:37.000 Or, you know, Mark Twain.

02:32:40.000 Yeah, N-Word Jim.

02:32:42.000 They're literally taking these books off the shelves of schools and libraries.

02:32:47.000 Bugs Bunny nips the nips.

02:32:50.000 Oh, man.

02:32:51.000 Oh, my God.

02:32:53.000 I remember seeing it from when I was in college.

02:32:55.000 Look how shaky it is.

02:32:57.000 The animation back then was all done by hand, so nothing ever stood still.

02:33:02.000 But this was state-of-the-art, too.

02:33:04.000 Oh, there he is, the little Asian guy. 1.00

02:33:05.000 But you've got to remember, this is the enemy of the war.

02:33:10.000 This is from 1944. Yeah, exactly.

02:33:13.000 So this is during the war.

02:33:15.000 Wow.

02:33:16.000 And all the Japanese guys have glasses and buck teeth. 1.00

02:33:20.000 What a weird...

02:33:21.000 Isn't that weird that that became the stereotype?

02:33:25.000 Glasses and buck teeth? 0.79

02:33:26.000 Like you knew it was an Asian guy?

02:33:27.000 You gotta pick one thing.

02:33:29.000 Yeah, but you know like Milton Berle used to take his cigar and stick it in his mouth and do like an impression of an Asian guy. 0.96

02:33:37.000 Right.

02:33:37.000 And talk Asian, but the buck teeth...

02:33:40.000 Was standard.

02:33:41.000 Yeah.

02:33:42.000 That was a part of the impression.

02:33:43.000 That's true.

02:33:44.000 How weird.

02:33:45.000 That's interesting.

02:33:46.000 Yeah, I wonder if they had different...

02:33:47.000 Like, you know how British people have bad teeth. 1.00

02:33:49.000 I wonder if that was like an Asian thing too.

02:33:50.000 Pull up Milton Berle does impression of Japanese guy. 0.53

02:33:55.000 That was like a Catskills type thing.

02:33:58.000 That was huge.

02:33:58.000 One guy must have did that and got a laugh.

02:34:01.000 They all stole it from him. 0.99

02:34:02.000 And then look at fucking John Panette. 0.99

02:34:04.000 His whole act was the Asian voice. 0.99

02:34:06.000 And that was fine.

02:34:07.000 That totally flew.

02:34:08.000 Oh, right, right. 1.00

02:34:08.000 That never bit him in the ass. 1.00

02:34:10.000 That was the 80s. 1.00

02:34:11.000 I watched John Panette murder when I was like a year into comedy.

02:34:16.000 I was living in Boston.

02:34:18.000 This is a Japanese...

02:34:20.000 That guy doesn't learn Japanese.

02:34:22.000 No, that guy was Sicilian.

02:34:23.000 That's just karate. 0.72

02:34:24.000 Right.

02:34:25.000 That guy's just doing judo.

02:34:27.000 I watched...

02:34:27.000 John Panette went up, and he...

02:34:29.000 He was a killer.

02:34:31.000 He had some sort of a deal with Nick's Comedy Stop. 0.88

02:34:33.000 I don't remember what the deal was, but they're like...

02:34:35.000 They were managing him or something along those lines, so they would get him up on the stage all the time.

02:34:40.000 And he was just starting to pop, like just starting to pop.

02:34:43.000 And he went up on that stage, and he was doing this bit about going to a Chinese restaurant and eating at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

02:34:50.000 Yeah, that was his big signature.

02:34:51.000 That was his big bit.

02:34:51.000 And I watched that bit in front of...

02:34:54.000 You know, like the 350-whatever people at Nick's Comedy Stop just fucking leveled a room. 0.83

02:34:59.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:34:59.000 Like a nuclear bomb went off. 0.93

02:35:02.000 Yes.

02:35:02.000 You watch people fly backwards.

02:35:05.000 I know.

02:35:05.000 Dying.

02:35:06.000 It's still funny. 0.99

02:35:07.000 You listen to it now, you're like, this is fucking hilarious. 0.95

02:35:09.000 Hilarious. 0.98

02:35:09.000 But I'm sure the Asian people are like, Jesus, here we go. 0.98

02:35:12.000 Yeah.

02:35:12.000 Oh, yeah.

02:35:13.000 But they don't complain.

02:35:14.000 Have you noticed that?

02:35:15.000 You don't see a lot of Asian complaints.

02:35:16.000 I think they're too busy with the cello and the studying or whatever it is.

02:35:20.000 Well, some of them have pointed out, and rightly so, that it's kind of fucked that some colleges have changed their admission standards for Asians. 1.00

02:35:29.000 That's fucked up. 0.98

02:35:30.000 Harvard has made it more difficult for Asians to get in. 0.99

02:35:33.000 I don't get that at all. 1.00

02:35:34.000 Because there's so many of them that kick ass at Harvard. 1.00

02:35:37.000 So they're like, well, we've got to slow these bitches down. 1.00

02:35:39.000 They're fucking up the curve. 0.99

02:35:41.000 But you say, hey, work hard, study, you know, hustle, and then you do it, and then we gotta give you a handicap and pull you back? 1.00

02:35:47.000 That's fucked up. 0.99

02:35:48.000 Well, they definitely have a point. 0.99

02:35:51.000 I've seen the argument.

02:35:52.000 It's an interesting argument.

02:35:54.000 What's their argument?

02:35:55.000 What, the Asians' argument? 1.00

02:35:56.000 No, no, the Harvard.

02:35:57.000 Well, no, that's not a good argument.

02:35:59.000 Oh, that's okay.

02:35:59.000 No, I've seen the Asians' argument that Harvard's doing this to them.

02:36:02.000 Because it's not straight up like they're just completely...

02:36:07.000 Discriminating based on the fact they're Asian. 0.99

02:36:10.000 They're kind of sneaking it in with like...

02:36:13.000 It's basing it on various aspects of their personality and how they engage with people and different activities that they gravitate towards.

02:36:21.000 And they're making those more valuable.

02:36:25.000 I had a conversation with a guy who was actually with Andrew Yang when he was here about it.

02:36:30.000 Here meaning on the show.

02:36:31.000 And he was explaining it to me.

02:36:33.000 I was like, oh, wow.

02:36:34.000 So it wasn't as cut and dry as I thought.

02:36:36.000 I thought it was like, oh, if you're white, you have to get this point, but if you're Asian, you have to get that point. 0.61

02:36:41.000 It's not that clear, but it's definitely geared towards...

02:36:46.000 There's a reason why they did it.

02:36:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:36:48.000 And they did it because there's so many Asian people that were kicking ass. 1.00

02:36:53.000 But that's not their fault. 0.99

02:36:55.000 And getting amazing grades and being super dedicated and getting into the schools.

02:36:59.000 They should be rewarded.

02:36:59.000 I mean, what if we did that with NBA? Like, hey, I'm a seven-foot black guy with a killer jump shot.

02:37:04.000 Okay, you gotta shoot from back there. 0.99

02:37:06.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:37:06.000 You gotta get in the stands.

02:37:07.000 Exactly.

02:37:08.000 I mean, it doesn't make sense.

02:37:09.000 Yeah, it's a non-competitive thing, and it's a weird thing.

02:37:13.000 It's like, are you doing this because you're admitting that you can't compete with them?

02:37:16.000 Were you worried that other people can't compete with them?

02:37:19.000 I guess so, yeah.

02:37:20.000 It sounds like it.

02:37:21.000 Again, why sports are always so fun, because it's just meritocracy.

02:37:25.000 No one cares about the color.

02:37:26.000 Yeah.

02:37:27.000 Yeah, no one's complaining that there's too many black people that are on the NBA. Yeah, and again...

02:37:32.000 They're really good at it.

02:37:34.000 They're good at it!

02:37:34.000 I'm sorry!

02:37:36.000 But we won't accept that same standard when it comes to Asian people in universities.

02:37:41.000 Right, and...

02:37:43.000 Also, we don't want to get our kids in the NBA. You want our kid to go to Harvard.

02:37:46.000 So that's another factor.

02:37:47.000 I wonder what Harvard's argument is for why they do it.

02:37:50.000 They just don't want it fully Asian, I guess. 0.98

02:37:52.000 But why are you looking at it that way?

02:37:53.000 Just full of people.

02:37:55.000 What if they did that?

02:37:55.000 But what if the Asians were literally willing?

02:37:58.000 At what point in time would you decide it's not healthy?

02:38:00.000 What if one group was studying until they literally dropped dead?

02:38:04.000 Sure.

02:38:05.000 10% of them were dying before they got to the finals.

02:38:08.000 Yeah, well, the sad thing is I don't think college is as important as it used to be.

02:38:11.000 I like how you did this with your hand to accentuate.

02:38:15.000 I don't think we need it.

02:38:16.000 I mean, look at the internet. 0.98

02:38:17.000 Look at everybody's doing their own thing and starting apps and startups and all this tech shit. 0.99

02:38:21.000 So, like, just do that, Asians. 1.00

02:38:23.000 Stop worrying about the Harvard grades.

02:38:25.000 Well, this is where I thought that having college free would benefit everybody.

02:38:31.000 Because part of the problem is you're all in on this career.

02:38:35.000 If it costs you $250,000, it doesn't give you the flexibility to change careers.

02:38:39.000 If you're just getting educated.

02:38:41.000 You're just getting educated.

02:38:42.000 It's not necessarily your career.

02:38:43.000 You didn't spend any money.

02:38:44.000 Just like you did your work and you got a free education by the government because your parents pay taxes.

02:38:50.000 It makes sense.

02:38:51.000 Yeah, but how serious are kids?

02:38:53.000 I barely took college seriously.

02:38:55.000 I failed out of three colleges.

02:38:57.000 And I paid for it.

02:38:59.000 So imagine if you don't.

02:39:00.000 But is it going to make you more serious if you don't?

02:39:04.000 I think if you pay for it, you're going to work a little.

02:39:06.000 You're going to go, I should go to class. 1.00

02:39:08.000 I'm paying for this shit. 1.00

02:39:09.000 I know, but I'm an idiot. 1.00

02:39:10.000 Yeah, but I think you would have done the same thing if it was free. 0.99

02:39:13.000 I don't know.

02:39:14.000 I think you're a comic.

02:39:15.000 That's what it is.

02:39:16.000 That's what it is.

02:39:17.000 Yeah, that's why I quit, to go do comedy. 0.79

02:39:19.000 I only went to college because I didn't want anybody thinking I was a loser.

02:39:22.000 I got tired of telling people I was taking a year off.

02:39:27.000 Oh yeah, especially back then. 0.99

02:39:28.000 Dude, I would tell people and the fucking look they would give me, it was so depressing. 0.99

02:39:32.000 Right. 0.99

02:39:33.000 It was such a bummer.

02:39:34.000 I know.

02:39:34.000 And it was disappointing everyone.

02:39:36.000 I'm taking a year off like, oh, loser. 0.97

02:39:39.000 Yeah. 0.84

02:39:39.000 And that was New England too, which is like very- It's college town. 0.84

02:39:43.000 Blue collar, go to work. 1.00

02:39:44.000 Oh, I see.

02:39:45.000 Well, you had to work hard.

02:39:47.000 Even though it's a college town, there's a lot more colleges per capita in Boston, I think, than any other city.

02:39:53.000 But there was also cold weather. 0.99

02:39:56.000 And you had to fucking shovel snow. 0.99

02:39:58.000 You had to work hard. 1.00

02:39:58.000 You had to get up in the morning. 1.00

02:39:59.000 You had to do things you don't want to do.

02:40:01.000 That's rewarded.

02:40:02.000 And if you're a take-a-year-off guy...

02:40:04.000 Ah, I see.

02:40:05.000 Like, what are you doing?

02:40:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:40:07.000 What the fuck are you doing with your life? 0.99

02:40:08.000 Because where I come from, the take a year off guy is a badass. 0.99

02:40:11.000 You're like, oh, you're going to Nepal or, you know, whatever, Tibet, you know, like to backpack?

02:40:16.000 Yeah.

02:40:16.000 So you're like, oh, you've got it figured out.

02:40:18.000 You're open-minded.

02:40:19.000 No, there was none of that.

02:40:20.000 Oh, yeah.

02:40:20.000 It was a different time, too.

02:40:22.000 Right.

02:40:22.000 I graduated high school in 85. Sure.

02:40:24.000 It was a different era.

02:40:25.000 Reagan was president, I think, still.

02:40:27.000 Yeah.

02:40:27.000 Was he still president then?

02:40:28.000 I think so.

02:40:29.000 Whatever it was, it was a dark era. 1.00

02:40:32.000 Damn. 0.99

02:40:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:40:33.000 But maybe a better era. 0.99

02:40:34.000 Well, the good thing about it is there was a real chance that you were never going to get your shit together and you're scared. 0.99

02:40:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:40:42.000 And so that led me to get my shit together. 0.99

02:40:44.000 The fear is good, yeah. 0.98

02:40:45.000 Being dismissed for not going to school right after high school, not going right to college.

02:40:50.000 Right.

02:40:51.000 But I wasted time there.

02:40:52.000 I didn't learn anything.

02:40:53.000 I did too. 0.99

02:40:54.000 Didn't learn a goddamn thing. 0.98

02:40:56.000 The fear thing is so true. 0.99

02:40:57.000 I mean, I felt like when I was in high school and college and all that, going to parties, I had a constant fear of being punched in the face.

02:41:04.000 It was completely normal to get punched out. 0.95

02:41:07.000 Not punched out, but like, if you said the wrong thing, all right, these guys are going outside and all that shit. 0.98

02:41:12.000 Right. 0.95

02:41:12.000 And I think that kept me in line. 0.95

02:41:15.000 Oh, there's definitely that, but that's, you know, it's like an argument for bullies.

02:41:20.000 There's an argument for...

02:41:22.000 I think it's natural.

02:41:24.000 I mean, now they're on the internet.

02:41:25.000 They're always going to exist.

02:41:26.000 You can anti-bully all day long, but they're always going to be there. 0.88

02:41:30.000 Well, I dealt with a lot of bullies, and that's why I got into martial arts.

02:41:33.000 Right.

02:41:34.000 That's the reason why I got into it.

02:41:35.000 And if everybody was really nice to me and I wasn't terrified all the time, I probably would have never gotten into martial arts.

02:41:41.000 There you go.

02:41:41.000 That's my whole point.

02:41:43.000 I remember very clearly after some kid kicked my ass, some kid threw me down in the locker room and could have punched me in the face but didn't, just kind of held me down and humiliated me. 0.99

02:41:51.000 Oof. 0.99

02:41:51.000 I remember thinking like, okay... 0.99

02:41:54.000 This can't happen anymore.

02:41:55.000 Yeah.

02:41:56.000 Not only did he do that, but then I was avoiding him.

02:41:59.000 I remember being so embarrassed because I was looking out the window to where the door was, and I noticed that he was on the other side. 0.99

02:42:07.000 This is a little breezeway, and he was on the other side, and I saw him there, and I was like, shit. 0.94

02:42:12.000 And then someone opened up the door because they wanted to go through, and I was just standing there. 0.99

02:42:15.000 Ah! 1.00

02:42:16.000 So I was like, oh, shit. 1.00

02:42:18.000 And I just felt like such a pussy. 1.00

02:42:20.000 And I remember it very clearly. 0.99

02:42:23.000 Like, I don't like this feeling at all.

02:42:25.000 Yeah, that's a bad feeling. 0.99

02:42:26.000 But what a psycho this guy is. 0.99

02:42:29.000 Like, there he is! 1.00

02:42:30.000 I'm fucking him up! 0.99

02:42:31.000 But that's how normal boys behave. 0.99

02:42:33.000 I guess so.

02:42:34.000 Especially if they find that you're weak and you're scared.

02:42:36.000 I just didn't know anything.

02:42:38.000 I didn't know how to fight at all.

02:42:39.000 It's a horrible feeling.

02:42:40.000 It was the worst.

02:42:41.000 I got knocked out in college and I pissed myself.

02:42:44.000 So I was laying on somebody's front lawn and I woke up and my girlfriend was going, Oh my god! 0.51

02:42:49.000 Oh my god, are you okay? 0.95

02:42:50.000 And I look, you know, I come to, and I look down, and my pants are soaked, which is like fucking kicking a dead horse, alright? 0.98

02:42:56.000 I'm already, you know, I'm already humiliated. 0.97

02:42:58.000 I got knocked out, and now I'm covered in urine.

02:43:02.000 Do you remember what it was about?

02:43:03.000 Yeah, it was a fight in New Orleans about, it was over Mardi Gras.

02:43:07.000 It was a bunch of college dudes, and I had a bunch of college friends, and we all started going at it, and one guy ran up, and my girlfriend goes, there's a guy running, and he knocked, he had a running start, and it hit me, and I saw a white, I remember it.

02:43:18.000 So you didn't even know the guy?

02:43:20.000 No!

02:43:21.000 Didn't know the guy, and I came to it, and everybody was just over me, just fighting like a melee, brouhaha.

02:43:26.000 I remember looking at my friend, his face was on the grass, and he was getting stomped on by a Birkenstock. 1.00

02:43:32.000 Oh my god.

02:43:33.000 And I was just like, jeez, this is bad. 0.98

02:43:35.000 Then the cops broke it up eventually, but I had a welt the size of a fucking cue ball on my eye for two days. 0.94

02:43:42.000 But yeah, you know, it was part of it, just growing up. 0.97

02:43:46.000 You got hit every now and then.

02:43:48.000 It's so dangerous, too.

02:43:49.000 I know.

02:43:49.000 When people get knocked out like that, they die.

02:43:51.000 It happens often.

02:43:53.000 I was lucky to be on a lawn.

02:43:54.000 Yeah.

02:43:55.000 Oh, for sure.

02:43:56.000 Yeah.

02:43:56.000 For sure.

02:43:57.000 If you were on the concrete, that could have been the end.

02:43:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:43:59.000 And that happens to people.

02:44:00.000 They don't even think twice about it.

02:44:02.000 I know.

02:44:03.000 Ah.

02:44:04.000 Then you think, like, you have daughters, right?

02:44:06.000 Yeah.

02:44:07.000 Aren't you kind of glad that somebody's not going to eat?

02:44:09.000 They're not going to get beat up.

02:44:11.000 But you hope.

02:44:12.000 I think I got beat up by a guy.

02:44:15.000 Guys beat women up, man. 1.00

02:44:16.000 We're not girls. 1.00

02:44:20.000 The physical vulnerability that a woman feels when she's around some really aggressive, shitty man has got to be horrible, man. 0.98

02:44:28.000 Especially when you're intimate with this person. 0.99

02:44:30.000 Right.

02:44:30.000 Now this person's hitting you.

02:44:31.000 That's crazy.

02:44:32.000 It's crazy.

02:44:33.000 I know.

02:44:34.000 I could never do it.

02:44:35.000 I could never, like...

02:44:36.000 I'm not saying I'm some saint, but I could never, like, punch a lady. 1.00

02:44:40.000 It's just...

02:44:40.000 My brain wouldn't go that way.

02:44:42.000 You ever have a girl punch you? 1.00

02:44:43.000 Oh, yeah.

02:44:44.000 How many?

02:44:45.000 How many?

02:44:45.000 I don't know, one or two, you know?

02:44:47.000 I mean, I think women are, like, wired that way. 1.00

02:44:49.000 Like, you step on their foot and they're like, hey! 0.55

02:44:51.000 And they hit you.

02:44:51.000 Really?

02:44:52.000 Yeah, I mean, that's just...

02:44:53.000 They hit you in the shoulder or something.

02:44:55.000 You ever go, like, take a good swing at your face?

02:44:57.000 Never had that.

02:44:58.000 Never had that.

02:44:59.000 I had stuff thrown at me.

02:45:01.000 Like a vase or a plate.

02:45:02.000 Whoa, a vase.

02:45:03.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:45:04.000 A vase can fuck you up. 1.00

02:45:05.000 Yeah, I dodged it. 0.99

02:45:06.000 It was a girl throw. 0.98

02:45:08.000 But no, it was...

02:45:11.000 You know, you get heated.

02:45:12.000 I get it.

02:45:13.000 But, like, yeah, hitting a lady is crazy. 0.99

02:45:15.000 Imagine balling up your fist and hitting a broad. 0.99

02:45:18.000 Yeah.

02:45:18.000 Some guy said to me, do you know that most domestic violence is women against men?

02:45:23.000 Did you know that?

02:45:24.000 I did not know that.

02:45:26.000 And I go, you know why you know that? 1.00

02:45:27.000 Because you're a bitch. 1.00

02:45:28.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

02:45:29.000 You worry about girls beating you up?

02:45:31.000 Right.

02:45:31.000 Are you worried about a girl beating you up?

02:45:33.000 Are you worried about a girl raping you? 1.00

02:45:34.000 No. 1.00

02:45:34.000 And maybe beating you to death? 1.00

02:45:36.000 What are you saying to me? 0.99

02:45:37.000 Yeah.

02:45:38.000 What are you saying to me?

02:45:39.000 The men are the real victims?

02:45:40.000 No, when men beat up women, they die. 1.00

02:45:43.000 Sure. 1.00

02:45:43.000 Like, men can kill women with their bare hands. 1.00

02:45:46.000 There's a difference, right? 0.99

02:45:47.000 Yeah.

02:45:47.000 There's a man, there's a woman.

02:45:49.000 Like, there's a spectrum, clearly, but generally speaking, men are more dangerous and violent than women, right? 0.99

02:45:55.000 Yeah.

02:45:56.000 We all agree on that. 0.99

02:45:57.000 I agree, but women will kill you slowly. 1.00

02:46:00.000 Kill your soul! 1.00

02:46:01.000 Well, you know, you always watch these killer women on TruTV, and it's like they put antifreeze in the guy's oatmeal every day for six years, and he eventually croaks and they can't figure out why. 0.99

02:46:11.000 That was that HBO autopsy show.

02:46:14.000 Yes.

02:46:14.000 Michael Badden.

02:46:15.000 Yes.

02:46:16.000 Remember that?

02:46:16.000 They would catch people doing things like that.

02:46:18.000 I love that shit. 1.00

02:46:19.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:46:20.000 She slowly poisoned him with arsenic. 1.00

02:46:23.000 Yes.

02:46:24.000 There was one where a woman slowly killed a guy and she put it in his aspirin bottle. 0.54

02:46:28.000 So it was a full bottle of aspirin.

02:46:30.000 She put one cyanide pill or whatever it was.

02:46:33.000 So she had to wait all those years for him to have enough headaches to take the right pill. 0.99

02:46:38.000 How fucking methodical is that? 0.98

02:46:40.000 What a fun time for her. 1.00

02:46:42.000 I know.

02:46:42.000 Every day.

02:46:43.000 Is today the day?

02:46:44.000 This could be it!

02:46:45.000 Jim's gonna croak.

02:46:46.000 Well, honey, we still have some aspirin.

02:46:47.000 Yeah.

02:46:48.000 He goes into the bathroom and she just sits there and waits to hear the scream. 0.99

02:46:54.000 Exactly.

02:46:54.000 See his mouth foaming.

02:46:56.000 She's like, yeah, my number came in!

02:46:59.000 I know, that's wild.

02:47:01.000 And then they took Aspen off the shelf. 1.00

02:47:02.000 She started screaming at him, you fuck, I waited for this day for years. 1.00

02:47:05.000 I know. 1.00

02:47:05.000 Imagine you're dying, you can't believe it's your wife that did this to you, and you think about all the mean shit that you ever said to your wife, and you realize she's been storing it up inside, and you wait for you to suck down that one lone cyanide pill. 1.00

02:47:16.000 And if she's really gangster, she drops it in there and shakes it up. 0.99

02:47:19.000 Shakes it up so it gets to the bottom.

02:47:21.000 Oh my god.

02:47:22.000 It's that pill.

02:47:23.000 It's wait a while.

02:47:24.000 You scared me, Joe.

02:47:25.000 It's wait a while.

02:47:27.000 That's a bit.

02:47:28.000 It's wait a while for Tom to kick the bucket.

02:47:30.000 Yeah.

02:47:31.000 Well, one of my friends was murdered by his wife.

02:47:34.000 Come on.

02:47:34.000 Phil Hartman.

02:47:35.000 Oh, that's right.

02:47:37.000 Yeah.

02:47:37.000 As a wife that I tried to get him to leave.

02:47:39.000 Really?

02:47:40.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:47:41.000 Damn. 1.00

02:47:42.000 I was telling him, bro, you gotta get divorced. 1.00

02:47:44.000 Yeah.

02:47:44.000 She was mean to him.

02:47:45.000 Mean to him publicly.

02:47:47.000 Make fun of him in a way that you could see bothered him.

02:47:51.000 She would talk about her ex-boyfriends.

02:47:55.000 They used to have pickup trucks.

02:47:58.000 My ex-boyfriends had pickup trucks.

02:47:59.000 I love trucks.

02:48:01.000 Whoa. 1.00

02:48:02.000 Weird shit. 1.00

02:48:03.000 Just make them uncomfortable. 1.00

02:48:04.000 Yeah.

02:48:04.000 Bad relationship.

02:48:06.000 You know, and they split up a couple of times, and I was like, bro, just get out.

02:48:10.000 He didn't want to get out.

02:48:11.000 He was worried about a lot of things.

02:48:13.000 You know, there was the fact that he was a father, and he didn't want to separate from his kids, the fact that he didn't want to give up the money, the fact that he had a sort of reputation of being this family man.

02:48:25.000 Right.

02:48:26.000 He was this guy.

02:48:27.000 Divorce is scary.

02:48:28.000 I'm scared of marriage.

02:48:30.000 My gal's pushing it, but... 0.91

02:48:31.000 How hard.

02:48:33.000 It's getting a little tense.

02:48:34.000 Thinking about breaking up with her?

02:48:35.000 No, no, she's a great gal, but I'm just saying I'm scared, because I'm only just scared of divorce.

02:48:40.000 Yeah.

02:48:41.000 Because you change, you grow, you move on, whatever it is, and I don't like that blemish of a divorce.

02:48:46.000 Even though it's not a big deal, and I'm overreacting, but...

02:48:51.000 It's a legal complication in a lot of ways.

02:48:55.000 It's coming from someone who's happily married.

02:48:59.000 There's a thing that you're doing where you're saying, we're going to bring other people into this.

02:49:04.000 Even though this is a romantic bond between two people that just enjoy each other's companies.

02:49:08.000 Yes.

02:49:08.000 We're going to make this a legal thing involving the state and laws.

02:49:14.000 Yes.

02:49:14.000 We're going to have laws and lawyers.

02:49:16.000 Yeah.

02:49:16.000 We're going to draft paperwork and there's going to be revisions and reviews.

02:49:20.000 We're going to go back and forth with this stuff until we get it right.

02:49:23.000 Like...

02:49:24.000 Sounds romantic.

02:49:25.000 Or you could have no prenuptial agreement and take the ultimate risk that when in the heat of battle, when you fucking hate each other and you want to break away, then you're going to be cool with each other and work this out amicably.

02:49:36.000 Oh, boy.

02:49:37.000 Oh, boy. 1.00

02:49:38.000 Then you're going to be like that fucking guy who's trying to get money from that Kelly Clarkson. 1.00

02:49:42.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

02:49:43.000 You're going to ask for ridiculous amounts of money because if you start at 10 and you really want 10, you're not going to get 10. No.

02:49:50.000 You've got to start at 30. Yeah.

02:49:52.000 You've got to scare the shit out of them. 0.98

02:49:53.000 We're in for a long haul. 0.99

02:49:55.000 Did you watch A Marriage Story?

02:49:56.000 No.

02:49:57.000 Oh, it's all about this.

02:49:59.000 It's just a brutal divorce, and it's a nightmare.

02:50:02.000 Who's in it?

02:50:03.000 Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson.

02:50:04.000 Great movie. 0.99

02:50:05.000 Great writing, great acting, but holy shit. 0.99

02:50:08.000 It's just like the lawyers are going, well, what about that time you got drunk and dropped Timmy? 0.99

02:50:13.000 Oh, I don't think she's fit.

02:50:15.000 And she's like, you told him about that?

02:50:16.000 And they start crying. 0.99

02:50:17.000 Oh, it's fucking brutal! 0.99

02:50:19.000 They have to. 0.99

02:50:20.000 The lawyers are going to battle.

02:50:22.000 Yeah, because you've got to win.

02:50:23.000 My friend got divorced, and his ex drug it out for years on purpose to try to drain him financially.

02:50:32.000 And she was not working, so he had to pay for her lawyer.

02:50:39.000 Oh! 0.60

02:50:40.000 So he's paying his legal fees for his lawyer.

02:50:44.000 He's paying her legal fees for her lawyer.

02:50:47.000 So he's paying for the army.

02:50:49.000 Yes.

02:50:50.000 It gets worse.

02:50:51.000 Psycho.

02:50:53.000 Psychological. 0.98

02:50:53.000 And paying for the general of the army that's trying to take him down and ruin his life. 0.98

02:50:58.000 Yeah.

02:50:58.000 Here's how it gets worse.

02:50:59.000 She knew that they were going to get divorced.

02:51:02.000 Oh, God.

02:51:02.000 So she decided to meet with a bunch of different lawyers.

02:51:07.000 Yeah.

02:51:12.000 Yeah.

02:51:26.000 She would go to another one.

02:51:28.000 Oh my god.

02:51:28.000 And then she would go to another one.

02:51:30.000 This woman needs a hobby. 1.00

02:51:31.000 She did it for a while.

02:51:33.000 How could you go from, this is the person I want to spend my life with and love and she loves me.

02:51:38.000 It gets worse.

02:51:39.000 It gets worse.

02:51:40.000 How could it?

02:51:40.000 Here's how it gets worse.

02:51:42.000 They've been divorced longer than they were married.

02:51:46.000 And he's married now with a family, a new wife, and he still pays her hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

02:51:55.000 Was he rich when he married her?

02:51:56.000 Well, he made money during the relationship.

02:51:59.000 So you have to always pay that level.

02:52:02.000 They don't have a family.

02:52:04.000 They don't have children.

02:52:05.000 It's just marriage. 1.00

02:52:06.000 So he fucked her so hard she can't work. 1.00

02:52:11.000 He's responsible for her whole life. 1.00

02:52:14.000 It's crazy.

02:52:16.000 It doesn't make any sense.

02:52:17.000 They've been divorced 14 years.

02:52:19.000 They were married for 12. Wow.

02:52:21.000 And he's still paying.

02:52:23.000 Hundreds of thousands of dollars every year.

02:52:24.000 Like, she can't work. 1.00

02:52:26.000 He fucked me too hard. 1.00

02:52:27.000 I can't work. 1.00

02:52:28.000 You're scaring the shit out of me here. 0.92

02:52:29.000 It's crazy. 0.95

02:52:30.000 It's crazy.

02:52:30.000 It's terrifying.

02:52:31.000 But it was no prenuptial.

02:52:32.000 He didn't have a prenup.

02:52:33.000 And you're in California, which is a crazy state.

02:52:36.000 Right.

02:52:36.000 California's like...

02:52:38.000 You know, they...

02:52:38.000 Look, there's an industry...

02:52:42.000 I don't care if it's the man or the woman. 0.92

02:52:44.000 You see what this Kelly Clarkson thing. 0.98

02:52:46.000 It's not a matter of male or female.

02:52:48.000 It's who's got the money.

02:52:50.000 You can think of it as my team.

02:52:52.000 Yeah, girls, we got that one. 1.00

02:52:53.000 Or guys can think of it like with Tom Arnold.

02:52:56.000 Yeah, one for the boys.

02:52:57.000 You know who's winning? 1.00

02:52:58.000 The fucking lawyers. 1.00

02:52:58.000 The lawyers are cleaning up. 1.00

02:53:00.000 This was the thing that Phil Hartman said to me that got really crazy.

02:53:02.000 I go, just give her half.

02:53:03.000 He goes, it's not half. 1.00

02:53:04.000 He goes, it's a fucking scam. 0.99

02:53:05.000 It's two-thirds because the lawyer gets a third. 1.00

02:53:08.000 And I was like, whoa.

02:53:10.000 Holy hell.

02:53:10.000 He was doing really well then.

02:53:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:53:13.000 But he was doing really well for a guy who had really struggled his whole life.

02:53:16.000 Yeah.

02:53:17.000 He didn't get on Saturday Night Live until, I don't remember how old he was then, but he was like 46 when he was on news radio. 0.99

02:53:24.000 Damn. 0.95

02:53:25.000 So when I met him, So, you know, he was protective of his... 0.99

02:53:31.000 So talented.

02:53:32.000 He was very protective of his success.

02:53:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:53:37.000 And the money that he made was hard-earned, you know?

02:53:39.000 Hard-earned and came late in life, and he just...

02:53:42.000 I mean, you start to get the hitman thing after a while.

02:53:44.000 You're like, I could just hire a person and finish this problem off.

02:53:49.000 Whether you do or don't, the real thing is that there's an industry designed to extract money from people that are going through an emotional and disturbing breakup.

02:54:02.000 Yes.

02:54:03.000 And you have a legal bond.

02:54:04.000 So the legal bond allows people that are good at it to manipulate people Yeah.

02:54:29.000 Yeah.

02:54:30.000 Yeah.

02:54:33.000 Yeah.

02:54:45.000 Because you don't want to lose.

02:54:46.000 You'll do whatever it takes.

02:54:47.000 I mean, it's like the right and the left.

02:54:49.000 You see them fighting and you're like, dude, we're all Americans.

02:54:52.000 Hey, take it easy, everybody.

02:54:53.000 But they just want to win.

02:54:54.000 I like how you brought this back to politics. 1.00

02:54:56.000 Ah, shit. 0.99

02:54:57.000 I shouldn't do that. 1.00

02:54:58.000 No, you did a good job.

02:54:59.000 I'm just saying.

02:55:00.000 It's true.

02:55:01.000 But it's more intimate, right?

02:55:02.000 It's obviously...

02:55:03.000 The emotions involved in the right and the left pale in comparison.

02:55:06.000 The emotions involved in a divorced couple.

02:55:09.000 Totally.

02:55:10.000 Some people get divorced and they're great.

02:55:11.000 They're great friends.

02:55:12.000 I know.

02:55:12.000 They don't have a problem...

02:55:13.000 I got a buddy who got divorced, they both hugged it out, and now he's friends with her still, and she's got a new guy, and he's got a new girl, and everybody's fine.

02:55:20.000 Yeah.

02:55:20.000 It can happen that way too, but people vary so much personality-wise.

02:55:25.000 I know.

02:55:26.000 People don't want to lose.

02:55:27.000 No.

02:55:28.000 A lot of people hate it.

02:55:30.000 I know, but I think it's weird that a prenup is insulting.

02:55:34.000 Why?

02:55:34.000 I thought we were in love.

02:55:36.000 Isn't that weird that's an insult?

02:55:37.000 Like, how could he say that?

02:55:38.000 Or how could she say that?

02:55:39.000 You're like, why?

02:55:40.000 Why are you marrying me then?

02:55:41.000 Here's the thing they'll say.

02:55:43.000 It's pretty cut and dry.

02:55:44.000 But here's the thing they'll say.

02:55:46.000 You are not all in.

02:55:49.000 Because you want a prenup.

02:55:51.000 So if this goes bad, you want to protect yourself, and you want to save your money, because your money is more important than this relationship.

02:55:59.000 You're not all in.

02:56:00.000 Yeah.

02:56:01.000 I guess not.

02:56:01.000 I guess I'm not all in.

02:56:02.000 But here's where that's bullshit. 0.98

02:56:04.000 You're not all in. 0.98

02:56:05.000 Uh-huh.

02:56:05.000 Because if you were all in, you would know we're never getting divorced.

02:56:08.000 This doesn't even matter.

02:56:09.000 Hey! 0.99

02:56:10.000 Nice spin, Rogo.

02:56:12.000 I like that.

02:56:12.000 That's good.

02:56:13.000 I'm getting nervous about this show.

02:56:15.000 I go on in half an hour.

02:56:16.000 Oh.

02:56:16.000 Well, you'll be fine.

02:56:19.000 We should wrap this up.

02:56:20.000 I'm having a blast.

02:56:22.000 Do you have an opening act?

02:56:23.000 How many opening acts?

02:56:24.000 Two.

02:56:24.000 I try to keep it limited.

02:56:25.000 These guys put 19 people on the shows nowadays.

02:56:27.000 Do you know the people that are opening for you?

02:56:28.000 I don't.

02:56:29.000 I know.

02:56:30.000 It's a roll of the dice, but I told you.

02:56:31.000 You might want to stay a few minutes.

02:56:34.000 You might want to avoid it.

02:56:35.000 But I'd like to see what I'm up against, hack-wise.

02:56:38.000 Oh, that's true, too.

02:56:39.000 Yeah, but you don't want to watch too much of that.

02:56:41.000 It's contagious.

02:56:42.000 Not contagious, but it really does.

02:56:44.000 I can't watch.

02:56:45.000 If someone's bad, it makes me feel like there's no comedy.

02:56:47.000 Comedy's not real.

02:56:48.000 I know. 1.00

02:56:49.000 I know, because the audience is going, what the fuck is this? 1.00

02:56:51.000 What kind of show is this? 0.98

02:56:52.000 But there's a lot of good comics in Austin, so I would imagine that if they're smart enough to hire you, they're probably smart enough to hire some good local people.

02:56:59.000 Oh, I appreciate it.

02:57:00.000 There's a lot of good local people.

02:57:02.000 Okay, yeah.

02:57:02.000 Well, it's so weird that the club closed, because I didn't know the club was month to month.

02:57:06.000 I thought they were killing it.

02:57:07.000 It's like a legendary room.

02:57:08.000 It's a legendary room, but it was going through COVID. Man.

02:57:11.000 Nobody's getting through this and killing it.

02:57:13.000 No.

02:57:13.000 Except for the plexiglass guy.

02:57:16.000 That's the one guy killing it.

02:57:17.000 Plywood guy.

02:57:18.000 Plywood guy.

02:57:19.000 The heat lamp guy.

02:57:20.000 Those guys are killing it.

02:57:22.000 Pfizer.

02:57:22.000 Guys who sell tents.

02:57:24.000 Did we invent the vaccine?

02:57:26.000 It's coming out of Belgium.

02:57:28.000 England is working on it right now. 0.99

02:57:30.000 Yeah, I'm like, ah shit, I thought we had one. 0.99

02:57:31.000 They're already shooting people up with it. 1.00

02:57:33.000 I know, I know.

02:57:34.000 My doctor took it.

02:57:35.000 Did he?

02:57:35.000 Yeah, he said he feels great.

02:57:37.000 Wow. 0.99

02:57:37.000 He's in the hospital doing shit without a mask on. 0.99

02:57:39.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

02:57:40.000 Whoa, gangster. 1.00

02:57:41.000 I'm joking about that.

02:57:42.000 Yeah, he's like, I don't know why you wouldn't take it.

02:57:45.000 So he got it already, huh?

02:57:47.000 Yeah, last week.

02:57:47.000 Did he say he got real sick?

02:57:49.000 He said he felt woozy, but he was fine.

02:57:51.000 Next day, 100%.

02:57:53.000 Is he a robust doctor?

02:57:54.000 Yeah, he's 65, too.

02:57:56.000 Really?

02:57:56.000 Yeah.

02:57:57.000 Wow.

02:57:57.000 Good for him.

02:57:58.000 I know.

02:57:59.000 He does all the work for the comics.

02:58:01.000 Everybody should be rooting for the vaccine, right?

02:58:03.000 If it works out, and we can all get back.

02:58:05.000 The thing that I just heard that was fucking freaking me out, and by the way, I heard it from America's most trusted news source, Tim Dillon.

02:58:12.000 On his Twitter page, it said that even if you... 0.96

02:58:15.000 He told me Walt Disney was a Semite.

02:58:17.000 Ha ha ha!

02:58:17.000 No, I'm anti-so.

02:58:19.000 I'm just kidding.

02:58:20.000 He said that even if you get the vaccine, they're saying that you're going to have to wear a mask because you could spread it to other people.

02:58:26.000 Oh, right.

02:58:27.000 Like you're just a vehicle for it. 1.00

02:58:29.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:58:30.000 I know. 1.00

02:58:30.000 Can we just be a masked society from now on? 1.00

02:58:32.000 I can't live like that.

02:58:33.000 Is that how we're living?

02:58:34.000 Can't do it.

02:58:35.000 Can't do it.

02:58:35.000 I'm ready to get out of this.

02:58:36.000 I don't know how I haven't got...

02:58:37.000 I feel like Magic Johnson's wife.

02:58:39.000 I'm like, how am I dodging this?

02:58:42.000 It's crazy.

02:58:44.000 What are you doing?

02:58:45.000 I've been everywhere on flights and shows.

02:58:47.000 No, I just...

02:58:48.000 Drink?

02:58:48.000 I never get sick.

02:58:50.000 I drink a lot.

02:58:51.000 I don't know.

02:58:52.000 You're healthy.

02:58:52.000 I think I got a decent immune.

02:58:54.000 I work out.

02:58:54.000 I eat oatmeal.

02:58:55.000 I exercise.

02:58:56.000 You've got those things going for you.

02:58:57.000 You should probably take some vitamins, though.

02:58:59.000 I should, but I hear those are a myth.

02:59:01.000 By who?

02:59:02.000 Well, they say it's the placebo sometimes.

02:59:04.000 Who says that?

02:59:05.000 I've heard that. 1.00

02:59:06.000 Say people that tell you anti-Semitic shit about Walt Disney? 0.99

02:59:09.000 I'm just saying, I hear a lot of vitamins, it just makes you think it's healthy. 0.99

02:59:12.000 No.

02:59:13.000 It's actually nothing.

02:59:13.000 No, there's peer-reviewed studies on vitamins.

02:59:16.000 Okay, well that's good to know.

02:59:17.000 Especially with the immune system, it's very important.

02:59:19.000 Take vitamin D. According to the AP article I'm reading right now, it says the reason why they're saying you'll still need to wear a mask after you get the vaccine is because at least these two vaccines, both Pfizer and Moderna, are going to take at least two doses, and it may take a couple weeks after the second dose for full protection.

02:59:37.000 Oh, jeez.

02:59:38.000 So, only for a couple weeks.

02:59:39.000 But what they were saying was, Google this then...

02:59:42.000 Even though you get the vaccine, you can still spread the virus.

02:59:46.000 So the question was that even if people have the vaccine and have the immunity to the virus, there may be a potential for them to carry it, even though their own body doesn't express it.

02:59:58.000 You just checked your phone.

02:59:58.000 I'm pretty sure it's a headline confusion because that doesn't say after getting both shots of the vaccine.

03:00:06.000 You know, it's two doses.

03:00:08.000 Right, that's true.

03:00:09.000 And it's once apart.

03:00:09.000 Like maybe after one, you still have to wear a mask.

03:00:11.000 Yeah, exactly.

03:00:12.000 Could be.

03:00:13.000 Mark Norman's got to go to a show.

03:00:15.000 I'm just getting worried.

03:00:16.000 What about Russia?

03:00:17.000 They can't drink.

03:00:17.000 He saw that for a month.

03:00:18.000 Two months.

03:00:19.000 Two months!

03:00:20.000 Two months.

03:00:20.000 It's less than two months.

03:00:21.000 I think they said 40-something days.

03:00:23.000 How crazy is that?

03:00:25.000 They're just saying it doesn't work.

03:00:27.000 You know why?

03:00:27.000 Because they developed a vaccine that's not real, because they were trying to compete with America and get it out quick.

03:00:32.000 So what they did is they just filled up a fucking syringe with Kool-Aid, and they go, what do you want to do? 0.98

03:00:36.000 Don't drink for two months. 0.99

03:00:37.000 It's the only way it works.

03:00:39.000 So that was racist, too.

03:00:41.000 But you're allowed to be racist against Russians. 0.96

03:00:43.000 You are, because their skin is white. 0.99

03:00:45.000 Yeah, British, too.

03:00:46.000 Yeah, there you go.

03:00:47.000 Italians, hey! 1.00

03:00:48.000 Hey, fucking pizza! 1.00

03:00:50.000 Alright, Mark Norman, you're the shit. 1.00

03:00:52.000 Appreciate you, brother. 1.00

03:00:53.000 Always good to have you in.

03:00:54.000 Such a fun chat.

03:00:56.000 Give out your Instagram and Twitter handle.

03:01:00.000 Please don't yell at me.

03:01:01.000 I'm at MarkNormand on Instagram.

03:01:03.000 Always putting up funny clips.

03:01:05.000 MarkNorm on Twitter.

03:01:06.000 MarkNormandComedy.com.

03:01:07.000 And listen to Tuesdays with Stories and praise Allah. 1.00

03:01:10.000 I'll fuck you till you love me. 1.00

03:01:11.000 Shout out to Joe List. 1.00

03:01:12.000 Yes!

03:01:13.000 The queef himself.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 01, 2021

Joe Rogan Experience #1587 - Mark Normand

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Transcript