The Joe Rogan Experience - November 16, 2021


Joe Rogan Experience #1734 - Ron White

Topics
cigar smoking lessons cigars and addiction ayahuasca experience ayahuasca ceremony ayahuasca trip streaming world ticket sales travel stand-up comedy drinking and addiction high rollers jiu-jitsu Vision Quest movie golf golf pool vampire book smoking on stage
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Ron White
Mentioned
Ron White Day Jesus Christ Bob Sapp Missing Kill Tony Richard Pryor Seinfeld Minotauro Noguera Dave Chappelle Jeannie Shaq Francis Ngannou Bobby Schindler Eddie Murphy Austin Jamie Pele Martin Lawrence Roger Hawkinson Jimi Hendrix Kamaru Usman and 96 more
Joe Rogan Experience #1732 - Ben Shapiro Joe Rogan Experience #1735 - Peter Attia

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 59 minutes

Words per minute

183.52

Word count

32,917

Sentence count

3,652

Harmful content

Misogyny

32

sentences flagged

Toxicity

623

sentences flagged

Hate speech

28

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Ron White is a professional cigar smoker, and he's a professional amateur cigar smoker. He's been smoking cigars for years, and now he wants to try a new kind of cigar: a Ron White Cigar Smoking Lesson by Ron White. And it's a good thing he doesn't smoke them like a normal person, because he's not only addicted to them, but he's smoking them so much that he thinks they're addictive. And he's right. And we're here to tell you why you should try them too. Joe Rogan is a comedian, podcaster, writer, and podcaster based in Los Angeles, California. He's also the host of the radio show and hosts a podcast called about everything else, including . but mostly, he's also a comedian. And he likes to smoke cigars. and he talks about cigars a lot. We talk about cigars, cigars, and cigars. And cigars and cigars and more cigars and other things that are not cigarettes. Enjoy this episode, and don't forget to check out the rest of the show on Apple Podcasts and wherever you get your stuff. It's a wild ride. If you like what you hear, share it on your socials! or tell a friend about it! and tell us what you think about it on Insta: if you think it's cool, we'll be sure to tell us about it in a story about it and tag us in the next time you listen to the pod! or tag us about your thoughts about it. We'll be listening to it in next week's episode of The Joe Rogans Experience! on Instafilter! :) Thanks for listening and we'll see you in the comments section! - Tom and Joe are listening to this episode of next week! Timestamps: 1: 2:20 - What's your favorite cigar? 3:00 - What do you think of it? 4:30 - Is it good or bad? 5:40 - How does it taste better than the other? 6:10 - How do you smoke it better than it's better than yours? 7:00 8:00: Is it more addictive? 9:00 Is it better? 11:00 Cigars better than your first time? 13:00 Can you smoke them better than mine?

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan experience.
00:00:05.000 Train by day!
00:00:07.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night!
00:00:09.000 All day!
00:00:11.000 The sound we hear is Ron White, torching the end of his cigar.
00:00:18.000 Preparing.
00:00:22.000 He's a professional.
00:00:23.000 You notice how he did that, Jamie?
00:00:25.000 Starts off torching it.
00:00:27.000 Yeah, you gotta toast it.
00:00:29.000 Is that what you do?
00:00:29.000 Yeah, because if you don't, if you just suck the flame into it, you'll burn it.
00:00:34.000 You'll burn the inside of it instead of just toasting the outside of it, get most of that surface hot, and then just a little quick one to get it really going nice.
00:00:43.000 And the whole cigar will taste better.
00:00:45.000 Really?
00:00:46.000 Yeah. 0.94
00:00:46.000 Well, I fucked it up already. 0.94
00:00:48.000 Yep. 0.99
00:00:49.000 I've fucked up every cigar I've ever smoked. 0.99
00:00:51.000 Cigar Smoking Lessons by Ron White. 0.98
00:00:55.000 So this would be better than it is right now?
00:01:00.000 Yeah, I mean, that's how people light cigars.
00:01:02.000 That's why they have a torch lighter, so you don't have to suck the flame into it.
00:01:06.000 I thought the torch lighter was so that you don't have that stinky smell that you get from a regular lighter.
00:01:12.000 Well, it's the same butane.
00:01:14.000 Yeah, but it's like, you know how, well, I think I'm thinking about pipes, like weed pipes.
00:01:19.000 When people smoke weed out of pipes with the lighter, you always smell the lighter fluid.
00:01:25.000 A little bit of butane?
00:01:26.000 Yeah.
00:01:27.000 Nope, that's not what it's for.
00:01:29.000 It's just so you don't suck that flame into it and burn more of the surface on the inside, and they just taste better.
00:01:36.000 Oh, and you're a professional.
00:01:37.000 I've been smoking cigars for years, so...
00:01:40.000 How many?
00:01:41.000 How many years?
00:01:42.000 You know, I started smoking cigars when I quit smoking cigarettes, so maybe 20 years ago.
00:01:47.000 You quit smoking cigarettes, but those little cigars you smoke, I think they're kind of cigarettes.
00:01:51.000 You're jacked with nicotine.
00:01:53.000 And I didn't know that, because these aren't.
00:01:56.000 There's more nicotine in one of these little things than there is in this whole thing.
00:02:00.000 Really?
00:02:00.000 Yeah.
00:02:01.000 How is that possible?
00:02:01.000 It's because they just jack them with nicotine.
00:02:04.000 Nicotine is an additive.
00:02:06.000 They add nicotine to them?
00:02:07.000 They sure do.
00:02:08.000 Do you smoke them like a cigarette, or do you smoke them like a cigar?
00:02:12.000 I don't even know.
00:02:13.000 I mean, I pick it up, I light it, I know I inhale some of it, I know I don't inhale all of it.
00:02:18.000 But I go through a couple cans of them a day.
00:02:22.000 Let me try one of those?
00:02:23.000 Yeah, sure.
00:02:24.000 Where do you get these at?
00:02:26.000 Anywhere.
00:02:26.000 Where do they go?
00:02:27.000 Romeo and Julieta.
00:02:28.000 Oh, okay, so it is like a cigar.
00:02:29.000 It is a cigar.
00:02:30.000 It's a tiny little cigar.
00:02:32.000 Yeah.
00:02:32.000 I started smoking them on the golf course because if I have a $15 cigar and I put it down on the tee box and somebody steps on it, I'm mad at them all day long, even though it's totally my fault.
00:02:44.000 And you can't let it go.
00:02:45.000 And I can't let it go.
00:02:46.000 But these things, I just light them and I take three drags off of them, hit the ball, throw them away.
00:02:50.000 And these are made by the same company that makes Romeo and Juliet cigars?
00:02:55.000 Cigars, yeah.
00:02:55.000 Oh, so it's fine.
00:02:57.000 Oh, I did see that little tracer.
00:02:59.000 I'm glad you warned me.
00:03:01.000 That wasn't a micro-dose.
00:03:04.000 Yeah, there's folks, we have shooting stars in our ceiling.
00:03:07.000 People will get weird sometimes.
00:03:10.000 They can't figure out what the hell's happening.
00:03:12.000 Alright, here we go.
00:03:13.000 I'm going to try one of Ron White cigars.
00:03:17.000 This one's nice.
00:03:22.000 Yeah, you inhaled these like a cigarette, buddy.
00:03:26.000 I like it.
00:03:27.000 I don't know.
00:03:27.000 You don't smoke cigarettes, do you?
00:03:28.000 I'll smoke a cigarette occasionally before a show.
00:03:30.000 I'll steal one from Tony Hinchcliffe.
00:03:32.000 Oh, okay.
00:03:33.000 You know why I like it?
00:03:33.000 It gives me a head rush.
00:03:34.000 I love that head rush.
00:03:36.000 Ah, man.
00:03:37.000 I wish I was that sensitive.
00:03:38.000 You're going to get addicted.
00:03:39.000 You're going to get addicted.
00:03:40.000 I'm like, no, I'm not.
00:03:41.000 I don't smoke them at any other time.
00:03:44.000 And you don't have an addictive personality.
00:03:46.000 I think I do, but only like the games and stuff.
00:03:50.000 You hunt elk, right?
00:03:52.000 Yeah, but that's not addictive.
00:03:53.000 It's not?
00:03:54.000 I only do it once a year.
00:03:55.000 Oh, okay.
00:03:55.000 How could it be addictive?
00:03:56.000 One month out of the year.
00:03:58.000 I go twice a year.
00:03:59.000 I know people that are completely addicted to Foxworthy.
00:04:02.000 Oh, yeah. 0.84
00:04:03.000 Natural-born killer.
00:04:05.000 It is a wild experience.
00:04:06.000 It taps into some weird DNA. Some leftover shit from the time when you'd make your own arrows. 0.99
00:04:12.000 Look at this. 0.99
00:04:13.000 Somebody gave me this.
00:04:14.000 That's a real, legit Native American arrowhead.
00:04:17.000 Wow, it's beautiful.
00:04:18.000 Isn't it wild?
00:04:19.000 Somebody made that...
00:04:21.000 Probably hundreds of years ago.
00:04:23.000 Yeah, right.
00:04:23.000 So they can get meat.
00:04:26.000 You know, Foxworthy spends a lot of his time looking for these things.
00:04:30.000 He goes on cave digs and all over the place.
00:04:34.000 He's got a gigantic collection.
00:04:36.000 Oh, does he really?
00:04:37.000 And then he's also, you know, a big bow hunter, too.
00:04:40.000 I know he is.
00:04:41.000 I've got to meet him, man.
00:04:42.000 Really well respected in the hunting community.
00:04:45.000 Yeah, he is.
00:04:45.000 Every year he only takes out like one deer if he even takes out one.
00:04:49.000 He's looking for that certain one.
00:04:51.000 Oh, okay.
00:04:51.000 But he loves the whole experience of men together in the woods and freezing to death and eating bad food, and I don't like it.
00:05:01.000 I don't like it at all.
00:05:02.000 Have you done it?
00:05:04.000 Yeah.
00:05:05.000 You know, I'm from a little bitty town in northwest Texas, right?
00:05:07.000 So we used to—oh, everybody hunts up there, so we would hunt— More birds than anything up there, but it was a miserable experience to me.
00:05:19.000 What kind of birds did you hunt?
00:05:21.000 You know, pheasant, duck, but you're just laying out in a field freezing cold with my father and I could do nothing right and it wasn't a particularly good shot.
00:05:34.000 He had a 12-gauge with no pad on it that would just knock my 13-year-old shoulder out of socket and And so I never thought it was that great.
00:05:44.000 And I really didn't enjoy any of the experiences that I had with him.
00:05:49.000 He was also a golfer, but I rarely played with him because he was just kind of mean about it.
00:05:54.000 Then he was also a natural athlete, lettered in every sport, and had a football scholarship to A&M to play right guard at 195 pounds.
00:06:05.000 Which is how big they were back then.
00:06:07.000 Isn't that wild?
00:06:08.000 I always remembered as a kid looking at my dad's arms and going, why are they three times the size of everybody else's dad's arms?
00:06:15.000 I mean, he was just a beast of a guy.
00:06:18.000 And he died young from it, I guess.
00:06:23.000 I don't know.
00:06:23.000 How old was he when he died?
00:06:24.000 51. Holy shit. 1.00
00:06:27.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:06:28.000 What did he die from?
00:06:30.000 Combination played.
00:06:31.000 He had like Open-heart surgery when he was 36. Holy shit! 1.00
00:06:34.000 That was back when you had to have, you're in the intensive care for like two months or something. 0.99
00:06:40.000 And saw the breastbone.
00:06:43.000 And so, as a kid, I used to have to go up there.
00:06:48.000 You know, he was in the hospital for so long.
00:06:50.000 And I would go spend my days up there, you know, just while my mother was, you know, sitting there waiting to see what was going to happen.
00:06:57.000 Yeah.
00:06:58.000 As a result, you know, I don't really like going to the hospital to visit anybody.
00:07:04.000 So I don't know if anybody does.
00:07:05.000 But I do it, though.
00:07:07.000 You know, Joey Wald and my dear friend who lived here died of cancer.
00:07:10.000 I sat with him, took him to chemo and stuff.
00:07:14.000 But, yeah, so Dad just got a bad deck of cards, man.
00:07:18.000 He had cancer, too. 1.00
00:07:20.000 Goddamn. 1.00
00:07:20.000 He got him at 51. And I don't have anything. 1.00
00:07:23.000 And I have not behaved one single day of my life.
00:07:26.000 Not one day of my life.
00:07:28.000 Have I behaved and I'm fine at almost 65. I turn 65 next month.
00:07:33.000 Oh, you look great.
00:07:34.000 You really do.
00:07:35.000 And you look great lately, over the last year.
00:07:39.000 I don't know what it is.
00:07:41.000 I quit drinking.
00:07:42.000 I don't talk about it that much.
00:07:45.000 I still have a fake drink on stage, and I don't know who I'm trying to kid, because sometimes I say I did, and then sometimes I act like I didn't, and I can't even decide.
00:07:55.000 I don't know, Joe.
00:07:57.000 I just can't make up my mind.
00:08:00.000 My fans, the dudes that are fans of mine, I'm like their fantasy drinking partner.
00:08:06.000 They want to have a drink with me.
00:08:09.000 Every time I see somebody, let's do a shot right now!
00:08:14.000 I don't know. 0.98
00:08:16.000 I don't even care.
00:08:18.000 Not drinking doesn't bother me a bit.
00:08:21.000 Except when I'm up at the club and you guys are having a cocktail before you.
00:08:25.000 I miss that, but I do not miss being trashed.
00:08:28.000 And I got trashed every night way too early.
00:08:33.000 And then when COVID hit, that tequila bottle went from the...
00:08:42.000 We're good to go.
00:09:00.000 Because I tried to quit 12 years ago, and I went into a rehab for a month for $70,000 in Malibu.
00:09:07.000 And I got the sweats and the shakes, and they were giving me medication.
00:09:12.000 And so I was waiting for that to happen this time, and it didn't ever happen.
00:09:18.000 That's wild.
00:09:19.000 I just quit and didn't do it anymore.
00:09:21.000 I went to a hypnotist and...
00:09:24.000 And then I went down to Costa Rica and did a bunch of ayahuasca with some shamans.
00:09:29.000 Oh, that's it.
00:09:30.000 That did it, huh?
00:09:31.000 And one of those two things, or maybe the combination of the two of them.
00:09:34.000 Yeah, you wanted to wait until you talked to me on the podcast to tell me about your ayahuasca experience.
00:09:40.000 Do you remember saying that to me?
00:09:41.000 No.
00:09:43.000 I don't.
00:09:45.000 But...
00:09:45.000 You're like, I'm gonna wait.
00:09:46.000 I'll wait until I get on your show, because it's a fucking wild story. 0.97
00:09:50.000 Well, yeah, but now it's been too long. 0.98
00:09:51.000 I don't even remember it.
00:09:53.000 You should have got right on it, Joe.
00:09:55.000 I should have got right on it.
00:09:57.000 But you've been touring, man.
00:09:58.000 I'll tell you what. 1.00
00:09:59.000 Your stand-up is sharp as a fucking scalpel. 1.00
00:10:02.000 You haven't missed a beat. 1.00
00:10:03.000 And not drinking, it seems to have made you even better.
00:10:07.000 You know, I've got a really...
00:10:09.000 I never really went on stage drunk.
00:10:14.000 That's a lie.
00:10:15.000 Wait a minute.
00:10:15.000 Let me start over.
00:10:16.000 Let me rephrase that.
00:10:18.000 My goal was to have my first drink of the day was the drink I took on stage.
00:10:24.000 That was my goal.
00:10:25.000 It didn't always work.
00:10:26.000 But I didn't show up drunk.
00:10:29.000 I'm not talking about the comedy club days when I was doing three shows a night on Saturday and I could barely see through the third one.
00:10:37.000 That happened a lot.
00:10:39.000 But When COVID hit, there was nothing to keep me from drinking all day, you know, but I wanted to be coherent for that show.
00:10:48.000 Now, if it was a two-show night, I'd get a little baked by the second one, but, you know, it didn't really...
00:10:55.000 Affect the performance at all.
00:10:57.000 You know, I can do that show drunk.
00:10:58.000 Yeah.
00:10:59.000 And I've proven it time and time again.
00:11:02.000 And so now I just have a little bit clearer head, and it doesn't seem to bother me at all, you know, to go out on stage with just a fake drink.
00:11:15.000 But, you know, for a while, you know, I started hitting comedy clubs and trying to get my chops back because it really did affect me being off so long, really a lot.
00:11:24.000 Well, I'll tell you, I was there.
00:11:26.000 I tell this story to people all the time, because it's a funny story.
00:11:29.000 The night that we did it at Vulcan, the place that we're going to be at tonight, you had done stand-up in about eight months, and you had been talking about retiring.
00:11:37.000 Yeah.
00:11:37.000 You'd be like, boy, I'm basically going to go and retire.
00:11:39.000 I'll just play golf.
00:11:40.000 Is that what I sound like when I talk?
00:11:42.000 That's how you sound. 0.99
00:11:43.000 That's my shitty impression of you. 0.99
00:11:46.000 But, uh, then we did this show, packed house, uh, at the Vulcan, and, uh, you crushed. 0.98
00:11:54.000 And you got off stage, and you grabbed me by the shoulders. 0.94
00:11:56.000 You're like, we're gonna fucking keep doing this. 0.97
00:11:58.000 Right. 0.98
00:11:58.000 We're back, Joe Rogan. 0.98
00:11:59.000 You tell me when your goddamn fucking club is open. 1.00
00:12:02.000 Let's get the show on the road. 1.00
00:12:03.000 Yeah, right.
00:12:04.000 What happened to that?
00:12:05.000 It's, uh...
00:12:07.000 I got the club.
00:12:08.000 I can't really talk too much about it, but I've secured the building.
00:12:13.000 Everyone's in place.
00:12:14.000 Construction has begun.
00:12:15.000 We're in motion.
00:12:17.000 I can't talk too much about it.
00:12:19.000 I will reveal when it happens.
00:12:22.000 We're up and running.
00:12:24.000 But you could tell me when we're not on the air.
00:12:27.000 I'll tell you everything.
00:12:28.000 I'll take you down there.
00:12:30.000 Yeah, I'd love to.
00:12:30.000 You've been there, right?
00:12:31.000 No, I haven't been there.
00:12:32.000 No, you haven't?
00:12:33.000 No, I went to the other one that you were going to buy, and I was dragging other people through that place, going, yeah, this is the place Joe Rogan bought this place.
00:12:40.000 That place had severe problems.
00:12:42.000 Right, I know you told me about the problem.
00:12:44.000 The environmental issues.
00:12:45.000 Yeah.
00:12:46.000 That would have been a real problem.
00:12:47.000 Joe Rogan's polluting the river, like, oh, Jesus.
00:12:50.000 Well, they're going to accuse you of something anyway. 0.99
00:12:52.000 I spend half my day fucking explaining you to people. 0.99
00:12:56.000 I do. 1.00
00:12:57.000 I'm defending you.
00:12:58.000 Thank you.
00:12:59.000 Appreciate it.
00:12:59.000 What did he do?
00:13:00.000 What did Joe—I mean, listen, I don't know what Joe does.
00:13:04.000 I don't know what he says on his podcast.
00:13:06.000 I tried to listen to the one I was on, and I couldn't listen to it.
00:13:09.000 And I know it's the biggest thing in the world.
00:13:14.000 But I didn't know that the first time I did it.
00:13:16.000 I mean, I had no idea.
00:13:18.000 You know, people, there's so much...
00:13:19.000 There's a relative of ours that's staying in the Fairmont, we had dinner with him last night, that didn't know you did stand-up.
00:13:25.000 And a lot of people don't.
00:13:26.000 And I guess that you don't talk about it much, I don't know.
00:13:29.000 But, oh, he does stand-up?
00:13:31.000 I'm like, yes, he's a great comedian and has been for decades.
00:13:36.000 But, oh, I thought I just know him from Fear Factor and The Fights, and this guy listens to the podcast all the time, and he was bent out of shape about something.
00:13:45.000 And I'm like, all right, listen.
00:13:48.000 What was he bent out of shape about?
00:13:49.000 COVID stuff?
00:13:50.000 Something you said, vaccine stuff.
00:13:53.000 Yeah, it's always vaccine stuff.
00:13:55.000 That's the most religious issue we have today.
00:13:58.000 People behave like it's a religion.
00:13:59.000 They really do.
00:14:00.000 They really do. 1.00
00:14:01.000 It's the strangest fucking thing. 0.99
00:14:02.000 Like, there's all sorts of diseases that no one cares how you treat it. 0.99
00:14:07.000 As long as you treat it and you get better, they're happy.
00:14:09.000 Right.
00:14:09.000 But not this one.
00:14:10.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:14:11.000 Well, you know, I think that his thing was that you call yourself an idiot. 1.00
00:14:14.000 Yes. 1.00
00:14:15.000 And I'm a moron. 1.00
00:14:16.000 Don't do what I say. 1.00
00:14:17.000 Yeah.
00:14:21.000 But what you say always sounds like the truth, you know, because you're really good.
00:14:26.000 And you're the best interviewer in the world. 0.99
00:14:29.000 You can make me seem interesting on a fucking podcast. 0.97
00:14:33.000 But so a lot of people take whatever you say, right, and they file it under truth. 0.99
00:14:41.000 Because Joe Rogan said it.
00:14:42.000 And then I'm like, well, I wouldn't do that.
00:14:44.000 Yeah, don't do that.
00:14:45.000 Yeah, don't do that.
00:14:46.000 Don't do that.
00:14:47.000 It's a show.
00:14:48.000 He does a show every 30 times a week or how many times you do it.
00:14:52.000 And nobody does a better job at talking to people and interviewing people than you do.
00:15:00.000 It's great.
00:15:01.000 I mean, I've done a bunch of shows.
00:15:02.000 Thank you very much.
00:15:02.000 Not just podcasts, but even...
00:15:07.000 Even Leno and Ferguson was so bad, and Letterman didn't talk to me at all.
00:15:17.000 Leno would just kind of step on whatever I was trying to get out, but you never do.
00:15:24.000 You're just a loving, nice guy that's got a bunch of talent and energy I don't understand.
00:15:31.000 Well, that's very kind of you.
00:15:32.000 I have a different format.
00:15:33.000 It's easier to not step on people.
00:15:36.000 I don't have like five minutes.
00:15:37.000 Everything has to happen in five minutes, and then we bring on the band, or then we bring on an actor or whatever.
00:15:43.000 You know, those talk shows, the format's so limited, you can't really find out who a person is.
00:15:48.000 In six minutes or whatever it is.
00:15:51.000 Whatever it is.
00:15:51.000 It's too hard.
00:15:51.000 Right.
00:15:52.000 It's too hard.
00:15:54.000 I agree.
00:15:55.000 Well, do you want me to tell you about the ayahuasca experience?
00:15:59.000 Sure.
00:15:59.000 How much do you remember?
00:16:01.000 Well, you know, I remember how I found out about it, which is weird because it was a friend of mine's wife.
00:16:08.000 But I'd heard that ayahuasca word before, so I knew a very, very little bit about it.
00:16:13.000 So then I started kind of researching it.
00:16:16.000 What is it?
00:16:17.000 Where does it come from?
00:16:17.000 It's a strong hallucinogen, you know, which I've always had a tendency to like anyway.
00:16:22.000 So I thought it sounded like it was right up my alley.
00:16:24.000 But for a long time you had to get on a canoe, you know, and go down and find a corrugated tin shack and sleep on a dead floor.
00:16:32.000 And so it wasn't very appealing to a lot of people.
00:16:37.000 So the guy that opened the place...
00:16:40.000 He had money, and he said he bought part of a JW Marriott Beach Resort.
00:16:46.000 Well, he bought their overflow area, which was not on the beach, but in the jungle with a big fence. 1.00
00:16:52.000 Fucking howler monkey is the most useless animal in the world. 1.00
00:16:55.000 They scream at the top of their lungs. 1.00
00:16:57.000 Other monkeys must just hate them.
00:17:00.000 Can you tone it down a little bit?
00:17:03.000 Howl, howl, howl.
00:17:06.000 So I thought, well, I'll sign up for that, and I'll use that to get off liquor, because a lot of people do come away from there with a different perspective, right?
00:17:13.000 Which I did.
00:17:15.000 But then I was honest with them about how much I drank, and they go, oh, no.
00:17:20.000 You can't come here.
00:17:22.000 We don't want you coming here and getting into DTs.
00:17:25.000 We're not a detox facility, and we're not set up for it.
00:17:28.000 So you have to have 14 days of sobriety before you come here. 1.00
00:17:32.000 And I'm like, fuck. 1.00
00:17:34.000 Right? 1.00
00:17:34.000 I don't know if I could do that or not, because I was drinking so much. 1.00
00:17:38.000 And then I knew about this guy.
00:17:41.000 There was a hypnotist in Marina Del Rey, I think.
00:17:48.000 That's not it.
00:17:49.000 It's whatever.
00:17:50.000 One of the coastal towns down there.
00:17:53.000 And my assistant, Anthony, I worked for a guy that had a lot of problems and went to this guy and quit all of them.
00:18:02.000 So I'm like, well, I could go over there and see how that works.
00:18:06.000 So I went over there, and his office was in his garage.
00:18:11.000 He was the least impressive human being I've ever met.
00:18:13.000 And they had a brown wig that was on crooked, and I don't know if that was part of it, that you get focused on, dude, what's up with your wig?
00:18:22.000 And that maybe got you offbeat a little bit.
00:18:25.000 And then he had a tall glass of water with no ice in it, and he took these little tiny sips out of it.
00:18:32.000 Now, I don't know if that was part of the setup or not.
00:18:35.000 But the garage thing was like a velour recliner that had to have been 30 years old and it wasn't well kept or anything.
00:18:41.000 So I sat in there and he just talked about...
00:18:45.000 You know, kind of what was going on with my body and all this liquor that I was pouring into it and kind of like how your heart and your lungs and your kidney like to work together to keep you living.
00:18:53.000 And I've had an all-out assault on all three of them for 50 years and, you know, whatever.
00:19:00.000 And so we got through with the first session, and he would put me under, and I would go under, that's for sure, because he would have to snap me out of it.
00:19:07.000 And I was just sitting there, conscious of everything he was saying.
00:19:10.000 But in a whatever hypnotic state, for sure.
00:19:13.000 So he was good at that.
00:19:14.000 And obviously it was kind of weird because he said, imagine you're on the 22nd floor of a building and you're getting on the elevator.
00:19:22.000 And it's kind of weird because I live on the 22nd floor of a building.
00:19:24.000 He didn't know that.
00:19:26.000 But odd.
00:19:27.000 And so I finished the first session.
00:19:29.000 He says, okay, don't quit drinking.
00:19:31.000 I'm like, great, great.
00:19:32.000 I like this program.
00:19:34.000 So I came back and I thought maybe it was four sessions over a period of a month.
00:19:41.000 But after the second one, I quit drinking.
00:19:44.000 And I was just waiting for the shoe to fall.
00:19:46.000 I was waiting to start getting sick off of not drinking.
00:19:50.000 And it didn't happen.
00:19:51.000 And it really didn't bother me not to drink.
00:19:54.000 It was set up for as soon as I was finished with that.
00:19:57.000 I'd go straight to South or whatever.
00:20:03.000 Whatever that pill I took.
00:20:05.000 Costa Rica.
00:20:07.000 And I checked into this place.
00:20:09.000 And it was really, really nice.
00:20:10.000 You can go where you can share a room with somebody, which they recommend that experience with somebody you don't know.
00:20:16.000 But I didn't want to do that.
00:20:17.000 So you can also get your own room.
00:20:19.000 And it's not...
00:20:20.000 Overly expensive compared to rehab in Malibu, which I repriced at $100,000 for 30 days.
00:20:29.000 What?
00:20:29.000 $100,000.
00:20:30.000 Really?
00:20:31.000 $3,000 a night, and they recommended a minimum of 30 days, and that was on the street I lived on in Beverly Hills up at the top of it.
00:20:40.000 And, um, so this is like, you could do this for like, if you shared a room with somebody for like, like 1800 bucks for a week.
00:20:48.000 And mine was like five grand, but I had a nice room and it was, you know, really nice place.
00:20:53.000 They cooked all your food and it was healthy, but it was really good. 0.70
00:20:58.000 You know, it was, uh, no soda pop, no alcohol, no, you know, uh, a lot of shit I wouldn't advertise if I was trying to get people to go down there. 0.53
00:21:07.000 And, uh, but, uh, You know, pineapple juice and coconut water. 0.98
00:21:10.000 Fucking great. 0.89
00:21:11.000 And so you get down there and you have a group of about 50 people, I think, was in our group. 0.99
00:21:20.000 Everybody has their own room, but then there's this one space where everybody gets together for this experience of ayahuasca.
00:21:27.000 So there's...
00:21:27.000 50 mattresses on the floor that have, you know, really nice sheets and pillows and blankets and they're on the floor.
00:21:34.000 And it's very ceremonial in that, you know, there's a guy, a shaman that looks like a shaman, feathers and shit, and you stand in line with your little cup. 0.99
00:21:45.000 He gives you a cup of this mud, awful tasting stuff. 0.98
00:21:49.000 And I did mine.
00:21:50.000 I just talked to him like he was a regular person.
00:21:53.000 And I said, so what do you do?
00:21:55.000 And he says, well, outside there was a bunch of hammocks.
00:21:57.000 It was beautiful space.
00:21:58.000 Really couldn't have been any better.
00:22:00.000 And hammocks all around.
00:22:01.000 He goes, go out there and sit in the hammock and whenever you need to, when it's time, you just come back in.
00:22:05.000 I said, how do I know when it's time?
00:22:06.000 He goes, oh, you'll know.
00:22:08.000 I said, okay, all right.
00:22:10.000 So I took my ayahuasca and I went out there.
00:22:12.000 And I'm like, oh, it's kind of like mushrooms a little bit.
00:22:15.000 I felt myself coming onto it.
00:22:17.000 And then I opened my mouth and the entire forest poured into it.
00:22:22.000 And I'm like, that's probably the signal right there that it's time to go in.
00:22:25.000 I think I get it.
00:22:26.000 So I went in and I laid down on my bunk.
00:22:31.000 Now some people throw up on it.
00:22:33.000 So you have a puke bucket too. 0.99
00:22:34.000 But some people get the shits. 1.00
00:22:36.000 I got the shits. 1.00
00:22:38.000 Vomiting is way better. 1.00
00:22:40.000 Because you can vomit from your bed. 0.99
00:22:42.000 But if you've got the shits, you've got to get up and find some place. 0.99
00:22:44.000 There's bathrooms, a lot of them. 0.99
00:22:45.000 But I never thought I'd see people throwing up in a bucket and go, Lucky! 0.99
00:22:51.000 I wish I was throwing up, but I've got the shits. 0.98
00:22:55.000 So I laid down and I tripped so hard and it was really dark. 0.98
00:23:00.000 And they said lean towards the dark side.
00:23:03.000 So if there's a...
00:23:05.000 A rainbow and a unicorn, and then there's a guy you don't understand in your yard, go towards the dark guy in the yard.
00:23:13.000 Don't hop on the unicorn and jump over the rainbow.
00:23:16.000 Go the other way.
00:23:18.000 And don't fight it.
00:23:20.000 Just let it happen.
00:23:21.000 But I think I just struggled with it the first night.
00:23:27.000 And I was getting really distorted images of people's faces when they got close to me.
00:23:32.000 And I was tripping so hard that it was like my head was itching and I just couldn't figure it out, you know, how to make my head stop itching.
00:23:42.000 And I thought about scratching it, but I wasn't exactly sure how to use my hands anymore.
00:23:47.000 And somebody walked by and I asked them to scratch my head.
00:23:50.000 And they're like, yeah, sure.
00:23:51.000 Like this.
00:23:53.000 Yeah, that's it.
00:23:54.000 That's it.
00:23:55.000 That's good.
00:23:56.000 And I really thought towards the end of that.
00:24:01.000 That I wouldn't do it again.
00:24:03.000 Because I just didn't see the benefit of it.
00:24:07.000 You know, it scared me.
00:24:08.000 It didn't scare me, but it wasn't pleasant at all.
00:24:11.000 It wasn't like mushrooms, and it wasn't like acid.
00:24:15.000 To me, it wasn't.
00:24:16.000 And you could almost see somebody's skull when they were too close to you, and I was just wanting it to be over.
00:24:26.000 And the beautiful thing about ayahuasca is it is over.
00:24:29.000 I mean, it only goes for like two hours, and when it's done, it's done.
00:24:35.000 And so they time it, so you can do more, you can do all you want, but not past a certain point.
00:24:41.000 And then at one point, they turn on the lights and go, good morning, and it's over.
00:24:45.000 You know, you can't just go home, go back to your room and go to sleep real fast, but it's over.
00:24:51.000 All those things are gone.
00:24:52.000 It gets out of your system completely so fast. 0.99
00:24:56.000 And then there's, you know, there's music, there's, you know, a live band or, you know, people in Congos and guitars and shit. 0.97
00:25:02.000 So it's funky. 0.80
00:25:03.000 And some people are, even while I was in my wildest point of this trip...
00:25:08.000 They were up just dancing around the room.
00:25:10.000 I'm like, Jesus Christ, how are you doing this?
00:25:13.000 I don't understand.
00:25:15.000 And I think that's about enough, right?
00:25:20.000 And then by the next day, once I got out of it, people would kind of sit around and share their experiences and whatever.
00:25:29.000 And I was into the whole thing.
00:25:30.000 And I was really trying to surrender myself to the experience.
00:25:33.000 I was trying to do what they were asking me to do.
00:25:36.000 And get the whole ride, you know?
00:25:39.000 So the next night, I went in, and he gave me...
00:25:43.000 It was a different shaman every night, and he gave me about half a cup, and I said, the other person gave me a whole cup of this, and he said, yeah, the mother ayahuasca said to give you the night off and tone it down for you.
00:26:00.000 And he...
00:26:01.000 I don't know if he talked to the other guy, and I don't know why he said that, but...
00:26:05.000 So I took that dose and I went outside and I sat for...
00:26:09.000 And I noticed it had been a while and it started coming on to me and I just felt this overpouring of love.
00:26:18.000 I mean, it was just amazing for everything.
00:26:24.000 I felt it just filling my body with just love and happiness.
00:26:29.000 And so that night...
00:26:30.000 I was really just digging on the music, got up and danced.
00:26:35.000 Everybody wears white.
00:26:36.000 And I thought, I didn't know why at first, but that's so they can see you sneaking off to your room to get some smokes.
00:26:43.000 Because they busted me doing that the first night.
00:26:45.000 I was like, trying to creep away.
00:26:47.000 I didn't know you could smoke out here.
00:26:49.000 But...
00:26:51.000 So, that was great.
00:26:55.000 And afterwards, I really felt a deep connection to the whole place.
00:27:03.000 I felt like this was a journey that was designed for me because I just felt wonderful about myself, about decisions I was making, about the direction I was headed in my life and all this stuff. 0.97
00:27:18.000 And then the The next night was a bigger dose, and I went back and got a bigger dose, and went back and got another dose, and just rode it out and fucking loved it. 0.62
00:27:29.000 And it was really just that first... 0.69
00:27:32.000 And he said that the first night was kind of a death, and the second night was kind of a rebirth.
00:27:38.000 And I'm like, okay.
00:27:41.000 Whatever.
00:27:42.000 So the last night, you start it.
00:27:44.000 At like 7, I think, and it's over at 12.30, that experience.
00:27:52.000 And then the last night, you start at 5, and it goes till 10 o'clock the next day.
00:27:56.000 So you do smaller doses, but you do them all night long.
00:28:00.000 And that was really groovy for me, but this one chick... 1.00
00:28:07.000 Completely wigged out.
00:28:09.000 And, I mean, kicking, screaming, yelling, really unpleasant.
00:28:15.000 And they had to take her outside and tie her up before she hurt somebody. 1.00
00:28:20.000 And I thought, why aren't these guys wigging out over this?
00:28:23.000 Because I am.
00:28:25.000 Because it looked like she was going to hurt somebody or hurt herself, and they were having a hard time controlling her.
00:28:31.000 And she didn't even know that it was an ayahuasca place.
00:28:34.000 She thought it was a yoga place.
00:28:36.000 And her husband signed her up for it.
00:28:38.000 Now, she had done ayahuasca three other nights and was fine. 0.99
00:28:42.000 But this time, she just fucking lost it. 1.00
00:28:46.000 And so they took her outside and they just bound her up and they stayed with her. 0.98
00:28:52.000 But, here's the thing.
00:28:53.000 When it's over, it's over.
00:28:56.000 And even though everybody was really concerned about her, she came back in with the biggest smile on her face.
00:29:02.000 And she had some demons.
00:29:04.000 And she needed to work through it, and it was horrible.
00:29:07.000 And I know what it was that happened to her.
00:29:11.000 Because they told me.
00:29:13.000 And it was awful, awful, awful.
00:29:16.000 So some stuff from her past.
00:29:17.000 Some stuff from her past.
00:29:19.000 Horrible, I wouldn't even say it.
00:29:24.000 So she went from who knows what and what place she was in to the biggest smile I've ever seen.
00:29:32.000 And she worked through whatever it was.
00:29:35.000 And then I met some friends down there.
00:29:40.000 They got married the next morning.
00:29:41.000 We'd been up all night and some ceremony thing.
00:29:45.000 But I was just into it, you know.
00:29:47.000 And then Jeannie, my girlfriend, came out, and I was going to stay for two weeks, and I decided not to.
00:29:52.000 So I'm going to go back another week and do it again.
00:29:55.000 When are you going back?
00:29:56.000 I don't know.
00:29:57.000 I haven't decided.
00:29:58.000 My schedule's so packed now, I can't even find a spot for it.
00:30:02.000 And then I'm going to do stand-up for one more year, and then I'm going to retire.
00:30:06.000 Really?
00:30:07.000 Yeah.
00:30:07.000 Why'd you decide one more year?
00:30:09.000 You know, because I had all those dates sold out, so I couldn't quit.
00:30:14.000 Although I could have got out of it contractually, I had fans out there that bought tickets.
00:30:19.000 Right.
00:30:20.000 And I decided to go ahead and do what it took to get my chops back and go perform and say goodbye in a proper way, you know, and not just, you know, go out on COVID. And I'm glad I did.
00:30:38.000 So we're going to, you know, do as much.
00:30:41.000 I'm only doing two days a week next year as opposed to three.
00:30:46.000 Are you going to film?
00:30:48.000 At the end of it, I should have a pretty good special to do, and I'll film it and see what I do with it.
00:30:57.000 I don't know what I'll do with it.
00:31:01.000 I didn't like the last Netflix deal for me, and I know they're great for some people, but for me, they were pretty tight and very demanding, and they wanted the rights to the material forever, and a cut of the album.
00:31:14.000 If I sold an album, they got a piece of that, and So I don't know.
00:31:19.000 I went ahead and did it, but then I regretted it.
00:31:23.000 But I don't know what it did for my exposure worldwide, but I'll never find out because I'm probably not going to go to Australia next year, and I'm probably not going to go back to London next year.
00:31:33.000 So who knows?
00:31:35.000 But I just thought it was fine, and I think it upped my...
00:31:41.000 Exposure for sure, you know, and I thought it was a decent special.
00:31:46.000 So I'll have it, I'll film it for sure, but I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I'll have it just to have it in the can.
00:31:52.000 You can always just put it out on YouTube or something.
00:31:54.000 Yeah, yeah, I'll just figure it out, you know.
00:31:57.000 That's the best way to get people to see it.
00:31:59.000 Right.
00:31:59.000 You know, because anybody can see it on YouTube.
00:32:01.000 I mean, I looked at Shane Gillis, put a special out, did it himself just a few months ago, and I just looked at it.
00:32:08.000 It has two million views on YouTube.
00:32:10.000 See, you don't know on Netflix.
00:32:12.000 Yeah, that's the problem.
00:32:13.000 Yeah.
00:32:14.000 Yeah, you really have no idea.
00:32:15.000 Yeah, we don't share that information.
00:32:17.000 It's just kind of crazy.
00:32:18.000 Yeah, because it would really be valuable information to me.
00:32:21.000 You know, they're really loving you in Melbourne.
00:32:23.000 Yeah, well, the problem is it'd be valuable information if you wanted to have a renegotiation.
00:32:27.000 Right.
00:32:28.000 I figure that that's where the source of their...
00:32:31.000 Well, it's like they have the ability to say no, so they choose to.
00:32:36.000 It's a strange thing.
00:32:39.000 The streaming world is very odd. 0.98
00:32:43.000 And they're a large corporation, so they have to deal with shit, like people complaining about material. 0.99
00:32:50.000 This is the time of complainers. 0.94
00:32:52.000 This is an interesting time where people try to get material pulled and they don't like it.
00:32:57.000 They don't like what you're making fun of or joking and they feel like they should have the right to edit it or tell you to stop saying it or tell the company to stop saying it.
00:33:05.000 Well, I think it's really cool the way Spotify sticks by you, you know, to let you continue to be Joe Rogan.
00:33:14.000 They're amazing.
00:33:15.000 It was the best decision I've ever made, you know, and it was a decision that a lot of people didn't think was a smart one.
00:33:21.000 I just heard the money.
00:33:22.000 I thought it was a great decision.
00:33:24.000 That's a good decision no matter how it turns out.
00:33:27.000 That helped, for sure, but it was also a great decision that, you know, I think YouTube has a very difficult position in the world.
00:33:38.000 They're managing this platform where millions and millions and millions of people are uploading things every day, and they have to manage this at scale.
00:33:47.000 They have to manage millions of millions of hours of content every day.
00:33:52.000 And it's insanely hard to do and they've chosen to do it in a way where if anything goes against a narrative that they support, they censor it.
00:34:05.000 They pull it.
00:34:06.000 And this is a fairly recent thing over the last few years.
00:34:08.000 They either demonetize it or they will out and out delete your videos.
00:34:12.000 And that's a problem.
00:34:14.000 It's a problem.
00:34:14.000 It's a problem with a show like this.
00:34:16.000 It's controversial because I will occasionally have someone on that will say things that I don't agree with, but I want to hear their perspective and the way they say it and why they think the way they think.
00:34:26.000 And maybe I'll argue with them about it, but sometimes those things, those subjects can be deemed hostile or that someone will be offended by it, so it shouldn't be up on their platform.
00:34:39.000 Yeah.
00:34:40.000 You don't have a problem with that with Spotify.
00:34:42.000 Spotify is not an American company.
00:34:44.000 They're from Stockholm and their perspective is very different.
00:34:48.000 It's kind of ironic but they're very much in support of our First Amendment rights and they think that you should be able to Artistically speak your mind.
00:34:58.000 And, you know, I'm not doing anything hateful.
00:35:01.000 I'm not doing anything evil.
00:35:02.000 But when you talk about certain subjects, some people think that it's dangerous or it's, you know, that there's something wrong with just even discussing certain things.
00:35:13.000 Spotify doesn't think that at all.
00:35:15.000 They've never once told me not to talk about something.
00:35:19.000 They've never once tried to censor me.
00:35:23.000 I haven't changed anything about the way I do the show.
00:35:26.000 I do the show exactly the way I used to do it, and they don't have a problem with it at all.
00:35:30.000 They don't have any input into guests.
00:35:32.000 They don't have any input into anything.
00:35:34.000 Right.
00:35:34.000 It's been amazing.
00:35:36.000 I'm so happy with them.
00:35:39.000 I know that their employees, some of their employees were bitching. 1.00
00:35:42.000 It was a small amount of employees.
00:35:43.000 I'm sure it could have been three.
00:35:45.000 It might have been, but they listened to them.
00:35:49.000 They had conversations with them.
00:35:51.000 But at the end of the day, what they thought I said versus what I actually said is very different.
00:35:58.000 You know, and that's a part of the problem today.
00:36:00.000 This is a problem with Dave Chappelle's special, right?
00:36:02.000 A lot of people are saying Dave Chappelle's special was transphobic.
00:36:05.000 But here's one you didn't hear.
00:36:06.000 You didn't hear any quotes of anything that he said that was transphobic.
00:36:10.000 You just heard a narrative.
00:36:11.000 The narrative is the special is transphobic.
00:36:13.000 If there were specific things that he said that people had a problem with, they would have repeated those things.
00:36:17.000 But it's just he was telling a story about a friendship that he had with a trans woman, a person he loved, and he told this whole special.
00:36:25.000 There's a good friend of his that he would take, I mean, he even had her open for his shows, and she wound up committing suicide.
00:36:32.000 It's a very touching story, but they had deemed that transphobic just because he's talking about trans people, and they've decided that even talking about it is transphobic.
00:36:41.000 But the problem with that is all of comedy Then hateful because all of comedy is talking about subject making fun of everything from your own parents to your Relationships to your children.
00:36:55.000 It means like People have this unique ability today to give their opinions about things and they have power You know, they can organize groups of people that want to boycott stuff And it's exciting.
00:37:09.000 It's exciting to cancel things.
00:37:11.000 It's exciting to shut things down.
00:37:13.000 It is.
00:37:13.000 I mean, it's like if you give a person a bag or...
00:37:16.000 Do you remember during the George Floyd protests, like these pallets of rocks would just show up places?
00:37:21.000 Do you know about all that?
00:37:22.000 Well, no, I don't.
00:37:23.000 It was crazy. 0.93
00:37:25.000 Nobody to this day has given me an adequate explanation about why these things were there, but at some of these protest sites, there was pallets of bricks and rocks and shit, and people used them. 0.89
00:37:35.000 They threw them against windows.
00:37:36.000 They broke into stores with them, and nobody can adequately explain why they were there.
00:37:42.000 You know, some of them, I'm sure it was a coincidence, they were there, there was a construction site and the bricks happened to be there.
00:37:47.000 But other ones are real weird.
00:37:49.000 And you gotta wonder why.
00:37:50.000 But at the end of the day, my point is, if you leave a bag of rocks around and there's a bunch of windows, there's gonna be people that wanna throw those rocks.
00:37:58.000 If you give people the ability to shut things down or silence things, they will exaggerate what you're saying, they will distort your perspectives, they will change what you're actually trying to say, just so that they can justify what they want to do.
00:38:11.000 Yeah, I watched it happen to Tony, and it was brutal.
00:38:18.000 But I guess that if your fan base doesn't cancel you, you can't get canceled.
00:38:23.000 That's what we're finding out.
00:38:24.000 Yeah.
00:38:24.000 That's what we're finding out.
00:38:25.000 And, you know, Chappelle's still selling 20,000 seats right in the middle of all of it.
00:38:31.000 And so that's, you know, how do they cancel that?
00:38:33.000 How do they cancel you?
00:38:35.000 It's a good argument to be independent.
00:38:37.000 That's what it is.
00:38:37.000 Because if you were on a television show and that happened...
00:38:40.000 Then they've got you.
00:38:41.000 They would get you.
00:38:42.000 And they've gotten a lot of people for far less things, you know, like things that are far less egregious.
00:38:48.000 Yeah, you know, I was going back this morning, and I was listening to some of my old stuff, which I never do.
00:38:54.000 And, in fact, some of it I didn't even remember.
00:38:56.000 And I'm like, oh, that was really funny, you know?
00:38:59.000 But there was so much stuff on it that I would have gotten a lot of flack for if I said it today.
00:39:05.000 Yeah.
00:39:05.000 And I don't know if the environment influences what I say or not, because I don't think it does, but...
00:39:13.000 Maybe it does, I don't know, on some level.
00:39:16.000 I think it does in some ways.
00:39:17.000 The culture's changing.
00:39:19.000 And, you know, this ability to cancel people, one thing it does make people, it makes people more aware of the impact of what they're saying.
00:39:27.000 It makes you, you know, you want to be able to justify what you're saying.
00:39:31.000 You know, instead of just being, like, just going for the laugh as quickly as possible, look at it in a way like, okay, is this the right way to say this?
00:39:40.000 Is there a better way to say this where it doesn't hurt people's feelings?
00:39:44.000 Is there a way to say this where it makes sense rather than just throw it out there because it'll get a laugh?
00:39:51.000 Did we talk on the last podcast about that girl that accused me of molesting her and sued me for... 1.00
00:40:00.000 I don't think we did.
00:40:01.000 And I know you know about it, right?
00:40:03.000 I don't think it's molesting. 1.00
00:40:06.000 What she said was just so untrue that at a charity event, at a photo shoot, at a charity event, that I touched her pussy. 1.00
00:40:18.000 And I'm like, no, I didn't. 1.00
00:40:21.000 What are you saying?
00:40:22.000 While lights are on and people are, you know, that I reached under your dress and found out you weren't wearing panties and decided to touch your... 0.99
00:40:30.000 That didn't happen.
00:40:32.000 And then she said she had a witness that was her friend that saw the whole thing.
00:40:37.000 And her friend wrote it out. 0.99
00:40:38.000 But her friend said I touched her butt. 1.00
00:40:41.000 I'm like, that could have happened. 0.98
00:40:42.000 You know, I don't know.
00:40:43.000 I was having fun, and I was pretty drunk.
00:40:46.000 But I know that I didn't do what she was saying, but I know that didn't carry any weight.
00:40:50.000 And so they said, give us $250,000, or we're going to put this on the front page of every newspaper in Texas, which they could have done.
00:41:00.000 And so now you're in a position where...
00:41:03.000 I know that I knew...
00:41:07.000 Kind of knew Scott Baio, and I played golf with him once, and he got accused, that 17-year-old girl or whatever said that he had sex with her, and it was big news, and he got canceled, and everybody was, Scott Baio's a bad guy.
00:41:19.000 Well, guess what?
00:41:21.000 It didn't happen, and she recanted it.
00:41:23.000 But the recant was so small that nobody knew it.
00:41:26.000 But the news of him doing it was so big, and I knew that that was going to happen to me, and I still wanted to fight it.
00:41:32.000 But my manager is, oh no, Ron, he's British. 1.00
00:41:36.000 You can't do this.
00:41:39.000 You've got to settle.
00:41:41.000 No, I'm not going to do it.
00:41:42.000 And then they got down to $40,000, and I'm like, well, I got $40,000 in a sack over here.
00:41:49.000 I'll give you that.
00:41:50.000 And I still, to this day, hate myself for doing that.
00:41:54.000 But it made sense, right?
00:41:57.000 Because then I don't have to fight this fight.
00:42:00.000 But it's amazing that people can say, we're going to say things about you that aren't true.
00:42:05.000 And we don't have to prove it.
00:42:06.000 And we can put it on the front page of every newspaper that'll put it on the front page of their paper and destroy your credibility and your image.
00:42:15.000 And then later we would just have to go, sorry.
00:42:18.000 And so it didn't make sense to go through all that.
00:42:23.000 But it seems like it should be illegal.
00:42:25.000 We can make these claims that are not true.
00:42:29.000 I'd say that...
00:42:31.000 There should be a law that they should have to wait for a conviction or something.
00:42:35.000 You know, you want to run it through a court system, fine.
00:42:38.000 But let's just print the outcome of the trial, which I would have won hands down.
00:42:43.000 No questions asked.
00:42:45.000 The thing is, like, journalism is strange.
00:42:48.000 Like, an accusation is a story.
00:42:51.000 And so they can just print that accusation, and all of a sudden, to people that are just casually reading, which is most people, Most people just barely read the headlines and then maybe read like a paragraph in and then they bail on the article.
00:43:03.000 To most people, that's a true story.
00:43:05.000 Yep, as soon as they see it.
00:43:07.000 And I read, you know, I got probably 15 news feeds on my phone that I read every day. 0.99
00:43:13.000 And you're always at least in two or three of the fucking articles. 0.98
00:43:17.000 And I'm like, yeah, let's leave Joe alone here, man. 0.99
00:43:20.000 Joe's not doing anything. 1.00
00:43:21.000 Well, this thing's stupid popular. 0.99
00:43:23.000 It's very weird, you know? 0.99
00:43:25.000 I mean, it seems, again, like it's just you and me talking.
00:43:28.000 Yeah, right.
00:43:29.000 That's exactly what it seems like.
00:43:32.000 Because I remember the first time I did it, I had a headache.
00:43:34.000 I was driving.
00:43:35.000 I had no idea how big it was.
00:43:36.000 You just asked me to do it.
00:43:38.000 And I got driving over there in the middle of the day. 0.99
00:43:40.000 I hit a curb, busted my fucking wheel on my Range Rover. 0.99
00:43:45.000 But it moved every needle in my camp. 0.99
00:43:50.000 Ticket sales, book sales, every single thing I do, it moved the needle. 1.00
00:43:55.000 And I'm like, fuck, really? 0.97
00:43:56.000 And they're like, yeah, like eight or nine million people downloaded this thing. 0.99
00:44:01.000 I'm like, that's more people than have ever watched me do anything, ever!
00:44:05.000 By a lot.
00:44:06.000 I mean, you know, a lot.
00:44:08.000 I had albums that sold a couple million copies early on.
00:44:12.000 Two million.
00:44:13.000 And so it's just so big, it's hard to get your arms around, the power of it, you know?
00:44:19.000 And so it's a weird thing to be able to do, and I'm really lucky to be able to come on your show, and I do this because... 0.97
00:44:29.000 Because we're friends, and we're kindred spirits in stand-up comedy, and we hang out at comedy clubs, and we like all the same shit, you know?
00:44:38.000 But it's like the people that knew Letterman when he was doing stand-up. 0.96
00:44:41.000 Those were the people that were on his show, you know, where his buddies did a lot of them, you know?
00:44:46.000 And it was because you just happened to be friends with this guy and he got real fucking famous and all of a sudden you hook your wagon to it and all of a sudden you're on Jake Johansson did Letterman's show 45 times or something like that.
00:45:00.000 They were really good friends and he's a great comic.
00:45:03.000 But oddly enough Still can't go into theaters and sell tickets, and I don't get that.
00:45:09.000 I don't understand why somebody like Joe Hanson, as good as he is with the exposure that he's had from that, but now if you do Fallon, you do a tenth of what Of what I'll do with you today.
00:45:24.000 You know, there's like seven, eight hundred thousand people or something.
00:45:28.000 Minuscule a number of people.
00:45:29.000 If that.
00:45:30.000 And how many of those people are really interested in it and how many are just flipping through the dials.
00:45:34.000 Yeah.
00:45:34.000 It's a strange time for those kind of shows because those kind of shows were the only way a person could promote things.
00:45:42.000 But they're not the best way.
00:45:45.000 In a lot of ways, they're like AM radio or something.
00:45:49.000 Right.
00:45:50.000 Yeah, at one time, if Carson brought you over to sit down and talk, you were a star.
00:45:55.000 Yeah, I remember the first time I saw Richard Jenny on Carson.
00:45:58.000 You know, I was like, wow, this guy's hilarious.
00:46:01.000 And then he sat down and talked to him and was like, this is amazing.
00:46:04.000 Yeah.
00:46:05.000 He was amazing, too.
00:46:06.000 He was amazing.
00:46:08.000 I sing his praises as many times as I can.
00:46:10.000 Me, too.
00:46:11.000 I tell people, they ask me, why do you want to retire?
00:46:13.000 Why do you doubt yourself ever?
00:46:15.000 I'm like, because I've seen a better comedian than me kill himself.
00:46:17.000 You know?
00:46:18.000 And I've got to tell you, Ginny was better than me.
00:46:22.000 I thought he was so good.
00:46:24.000 But I went to see him In Miami, and I was headlining the club, and he was coming in to do a couple of one-nighters, or maybe just one.
00:46:33.000 And he was really rude to me. 0.99
00:46:36.000 So I think he had some shit going on in his head. 1.00
00:46:39.000 I mean, obviously he did. 1.00
00:46:41.000 But I came in the little green room.
00:46:43.000 He had a little baloney tray or whatever, and I introduced myself.
00:46:47.000 I told him I was the headliner this week, and I was a fan.
00:46:50.000 And he looked right at his manager and said, how long is he going to be in here?
00:46:55.000 Wow.
00:46:55.000 I'm leaving right now, buddy.
00:46:57.000 Good on you. 0.99
00:46:58.000 And then I decided I couldn't stand him, and then I watched his show anyway, and I was like, fuck, he's good. 0.99
00:47:03.000 Man, he's so good. 0.99
00:47:03.000 Whether he liked me or not. 0.99
00:47:05.000 Yeah, well, I don't think he liked himself either.
00:47:07.000 Well, obviously.
00:47:08.000 Obviously. 0.85
00:47:08.000 Shot himself. 0.85
00:47:09.000 Right, shot himself.
00:47:10.000 So that'll tell you a lot.
00:47:11.000 Yeah.
00:47:12.000 He shot himself and he didn't even die.
00:47:14.000 Oh, he didn't?
00:47:15.000 No.
00:47:15.000 It took a while for him to die.
00:47:18.000 He didn't just die instantly.
00:47:19.000 He was still alive and in pain. 0.81
00:47:21.000 He shot himself in the head.
00:47:24.000 I think he died in the hospital later.
00:47:26.000 What's the best way to kill yourself?
00:47:28.000 That's a good question. 0.90
00:47:29.000 Do you want to make a mess?
00:47:32.000 Well, here's my idea.
00:47:34.000 I got an idea.
00:47:36.000 I was bringing one of my cars from L.A. to here, so I sold my house in Beverly Hills.
00:47:43.000 But before that, I wanted one of my Range Rovers down here, so I was going to drive it with Jeannie.
00:47:50.000 I ride on a bus, so I don't drive anywhere.
00:47:55.000 It's odd now because I don't drink.
00:47:57.000 I'm like, oh, I can just drive over there.
00:47:58.000 It kind of dawns on me that I go, wow, I just hop in my car at 7.30 in the evening and drive somewhere.
00:48:05.000 That's something I hadn't been able to do in a long time.
00:48:08.000 And so we were driving back.
00:48:10.000 And I was still drinking then, and we ended up in Sedona, Arizona.
00:48:14.000 The most beautiful place in America.
00:48:15.000 One of them, for sure.
00:48:17.000 You ever been there?
00:48:17.000 Yes.
00:48:18.000 It's gorgeous.
00:48:19.000 Beautiful place.
00:48:20.000 Yeah.
00:48:20.000 So we're staying in this five-star cabin resort, right?
00:48:24.000 And we just got there, didn't have reservations, so we got the littlest, furthest away little cabin, but on the But right on this gorgeous river that it's on, just rocks in the stream.
00:48:37.000 It's so beautiful.
00:48:38.000 And you can take these Adirondack chairs and you can go put them out in the river and just sit in the river, you know, because it's shallow.
00:48:44.000 And just watch the world go by.
00:48:46.000 It's the most relaxing place I've ever thought of in my life.
00:48:50.000 And right by the river, there were these cute little bitty storybook houses.
00:48:55.000 I know that my room was like 700 bucks, 150 yards away, and a little bitty thing, so I don't know how much these were.
00:49:03.000 And Jeannie was with me.
00:49:04.000 We're sitting out there, and I started thinking.
00:49:06.000 I told her, this is what we ought to do.
00:49:08.000 We ought to just put my money together with your money, and she has money too. 1.00
00:49:12.000 And we just live here.
00:49:14.000 And so we just live out there and sit in that water and eat.
00:49:20.000 There's a five-star restaurant right on the water, too.
00:49:22.000 It's part of the hotel.
00:49:23.000 We eat there.
00:49:24.000 We just sit out here and enjoy ourselves until the money runs out.
00:49:28.000 And then we lie to them for about a month saying there's a check coming.
00:49:30.000 By now, we've been there for a while.
00:49:32.000 They know us.
00:49:32.000 They like us a lot, right?
00:49:34.000 So they kind of let it go for a little while.
00:49:36.000 They believe my lie that there's money coming when there's not.
00:49:38.000 It's all over.
00:49:40.000 And eventually they have to do something about it, right?
00:49:42.000 Because I'm out there in the river with Jeannie.
00:49:44.000 And so I call the police.
00:49:45.000 And as the cops wading out into the river to throw us off the property, we pull out a gun and shoot ourselves.
00:49:51.000 And then we just float down the river.
00:49:54.000 It cleans up the mess.
00:49:55.000 It's the suicide retirement plan. 1.00
00:49:58.000 Live however you want, and when you run out of money, kill yourself. 0.97
00:50:01.000 And so she didn't think it was funny.
00:50:06.000 Because she's not a romantic like I am.
00:50:09.000 But come on.
00:50:09.000 Chicks are not really into shooting themselves in the head either.
00:50:12.000 That's very much a male thing to do.
00:50:13.000 I could have heroin overdose probably would have been better.
00:50:18.000 You know, because that'd been more pleasant on the way out, but it didn't have the impact, you know.
00:50:22.000 Then they killed themselves and floated down the river.
00:50:25.000 And they owe us $77,000.
00:50:28.000 And I'm like, good luck getting it!
00:50:31.000 Why do you want to stop doing comedy?
00:50:39.000 I'm just kind of tired of all it asks of me.
00:50:45.000 36 years, 15 years of clubs, which was great.
00:50:52.000 And I had a great time doing all of it.
00:50:55.000 But that was easier than what I do now, which is move to a different city every day.
00:51:01.000 Doesn't pay anything either, but I didn't care about money then, and I thought I was doing fine.
00:51:06.000 And I wasn't paying my taxes, so it seemed like I was making a lot of money.
00:51:09.000 And then Blue Collar came around, and I got really, really lucky.
00:51:19.000 So when that thing went into DVDs, it sold 4 million copies, which is a record, or it was.
00:51:26.000 But people passed it around, and it was just everybody knew it.
00:51:30.000 And I couldn't even go into Walmart without people just throwing a fit, you know, because they were watching it, and they loved it.
00:51:38.000 And so then overnight, I could sell out any theater.
00:51:43.000 We decided to put a theater on sale.
00:51:46.000 It sold out in two minutes.
00:51:47.000 And I'm like, wow.
00:51:49.000 And instead of making $2,500, I made $80,000 for one show.
00:51:55.000 And then we'd sell out five shows in that market in a weekend.
00:51:58.000 And I'm like, wow.
00:52:00.000 This is amazing.
00:52:02.000 And that was fun.
00:52:03.000 That had me smiling every day, and I was having a blast with it.
00:52:07.000 And then it got to where I was doing 140 cities a year, and that's moving.
00:52:14.000 You know, that's four and five cities a week with hardly any weeks off.
00:52:18.000 And I did it because I didn't think it would last.
00:52:21.000 I thought, this is going to be a brief period of time where I'm making a lot of money and I'm just going to go make the money and work as hard as I can.
00:52:30.000 And that went on to this day.
00:52:34.000 It never quit.
00:52:35.000 It never stopped.
00:52:36.000 The fans locked in.
00:52:39.000 I was lucky in that I had the exposure to get me there.
00:52:42.000 And then I tapped into this huge baby boomer audience that was the same age as me and aging at the same rate I was aging.
00:52:51.000 And they were interested in what I had to say.
00:52:53.000 And they liked the way I did stand-up.
00:52:55.000 And because I did so much of it, I was really good at it.
00:52:58.000 And, you know, even when I was doing big shows, I was coming out to the store just like you, you know, every night when I was off doing sets.
00:53:08.000 And it was...
00:53:11.000 It was completely consuming, but I liked that too. 0.97
00:53:14.000 I loved going down to the store and seeing you and all the guys and shooting the shit and doing the set. 0.96
00:53:19.000 It was the greatest thing on earth. 0.80
00:53:22.000 Now, I don't like to travel, and I don't like to have every weekend consumed by travel.
00:53:33.000 Even this weekend, I just did Saturday and Sunday.
00:53:36.000 I flew to Hershey, Pennsylvania, which really does smell like chocolate.
00:53:39.000 It's really nice.
00:53:40.000 And did a show and then caught a plane over to Raleigh and did a big show and caught a non-stop out of Raleigh back to Austin.
00:53:50.000 So that's a pretty easy week, right?
00:53:51.000 But usually it's get on the tour bus, go and go and go and go.
00:53:57.000 I want to do something else in my life.
00:54:00.000 I want to see the world.
00:54:02.000 I want to get out and travel.
00:54:03.000 I want to go on long cruises.
00:54:04.000 I want to go do whatever I want to do. 1.00
00:54:08.000 I don't want to die in a fucking hotel room, Joe. 1.00
00:54:10.000 I don't want to die in a hotel room. 1.00
00:54:14.000 Even though it would be a pretty nice one, but it would probably be we found him on his bus or whatever.
00:54:21.000 I just don't want that.
00:54:23.000 I want to be able to say, okay, I did it.
00:54:26.000 I had a great career.
00:54:28.000 I got lucky and I did the work.
00:54:31.000 And it worked out great.
00:54:33.000 And every bit of it was wonderful.
00:54:36.000 But I don't think you drag it on forever.
00:54:40.000 You certainly don't have to.
00:54:42.000 I don't have to.
00:54:44.000 And I think I'll be perfectly fine with it.
00:54:48.000 If not, I'll just start doing it again.
00:54:51.000 But right now, it was so hard to get started again.
00:54:56.000 I was really settled in to not doing it.
00:54:58.000 And I was okay with not doing it.
00:55:02.000 But I'm also...
00:55:03.000 The time when I walk on stage and I hear that crowd...
00:55:07.000 You know, it's still a blast.
00:55:08.000 Yeah.
00:55:08.000 And it's still something that I love.
00:55:10.000 And I think what I love is just hearing their love for me, you know, that they really do care.
00:55:16.000 And when I talk about retirement in front of them, they'll start booing because they would rather see me just die of a heart attack right there on the stage and have the story to tell.
00:55:26.000 I'm like, well, you still got a chance because I'm going to do it for another year.
00:55:29.000 So there's a chance I won't make it through that.
00:55:32.000 Yeah.
00:55:32.000 You know, which I guess is one of the reasons I really don't talk about not drinking.
00:55:36.000 I really don't know them that well.
00:55:39.000 And I don't understand them that well, the base of them, but I know that they're...
00:55:45.000 That they love me.
00:55:47.000 You know, my fans just do.
00:55:48.000 And I'm sure yours do too.
00:55:51.000 But they do.
00:55:52.000 And so I want to give them everything I've got.
00:55:56.000 But I want to pick it.
00:55:58.000 I want it all to come out on my terms now.
00:56:00.000 And so that's what I've come up with.
00:56:03.000 January or December 31st or whatever of next year will be the last one.
00:56:09.000 I don't know where it'll be.
00:56:11.000 Well, I hope you film something.
00:56:13.000 I really do.
00:56:14.000 Because the stuff you're doing now is very fun. 0.99
00:56:16.000 Well, all your shit's funny. 0.98
00:56:17.000 But if this is going to be your last year, I kind of feel like it would be a shame if people didn't see it. 0.99
00:56:23.000 If you didn't record it.
00:56:24.000 If you didn't have it.
00:56:25.000 Yeah, no, I'm definitely going to do it.
00:56:27.000 I just don't know what I'm going to do with it.
00:56:29.000 But I'll just produce it myself and...
00:56:32.000 Which is easy enough, and I'll have it in the can, as they say.
00:56:36.000 What we do is so weird that no one wants to stop.
00:56:39.000 You know, George Carlin died on the road.
00:56:41.000 He died in a hotel room.
00:56:43.000 I think in Vegas, right?
00:56:44.000 Is that where he died?
00:56:45.000 I think he died in Vegas.
00:56:47.000 I think he was doing shows in Vegas and died in his hotel.
00:56:50.000 And he was older, and he had a bunch of problems with pills and several stints in rehab for that, and those are very hard on you, very hard on your body.
00:57:03.000 It's a thing like every other occupation...
00:57:09.000 I guess, except acting.
00:57:11.000 Clint Eastwood's 90, still acting.
00:57:13.000 Right.
00:57:13.000 But most occupations, you get to 65, and people assume that you're going to think about settling down, relaxing.
00:57:21.000 But not our business.
00:57:23.000 There's something about it.
00:57:27.000 It's so rare.
00:57:28.000 I always say that to people.
00:57:30.000 Me and Tony have talked about this before.
00:57:32.000 Can you imagine going through your whole life and never have been killed on stage?
00:57:36.000 That feeling that you get when you hit a big punchline and the audience is just roaring. 0.99
00:57:44.000 You got hundreds or thousands, how many people are there, people just feeling so good, having so much fun, slapping their knee and slapping the table and laughing so hard and just having a great fucking time. 0.98
00:57:56.000 It's an amazing ability to do that. 0.98
00:57:58.000 It is.
00:57:58.000 And even this morning, like I said, I was listening to some old stuff.
00:58:02.000 And what I was listening to was the crowd and just how nuts they were and how hard they popped at every single thing.
00:58:11.000 But...
00:58:13.000 It's not a part-time job.
00:58:15.000 No.
00:58:15.000 It is a full-time job, and you can lose your chops at this.
00:58:19.000 And so I think that, I don't know if it was Seinfeld that I heard say it or somebody, maybe it was Chris Rock, but that you should be on stage every day.
00:58:30.000 And I know that you try to do that.
00:58:32.000 I mean, you do a million things.
00:58:34.000 I don't even know how, but you also get your sets in every single week.
00:58:40.000 And so...
00:58:42.000 I used to watch guys that got famous.
00:58:44.000 They were like club comics and they got famous in TV or something. 0.97
00:58:47.000 They'd come back to the clubs and they would suck. 0.98
00:58:50.000 Yeah. 0.96
00:58:51.000 But then there were these guys that worked the circuit that were doing nine shows a week that were just blistering good.
00:58:58.000 Yeah.
00:58:58.000 Guys you've never heard of.
00:59:00.000 They couldn't sell tickets or make much money.
00:59:02.000 And I would way rather see one of those guys than some guy that's just kind of popping back in for a couple of months or whatever.
00:59:09.000 Right.
00:59:09.000 Those guys that did TV shows and then stopped doing stand-up and then would try to do it again, that was the worst to watch.
00:59:14.000 It was so sad.
00:59:15.000 It's almost like a professional football player trying to get back into professional football.
00:59:19.000 Right.
00:59:19.000 It's almost undoable, I think.
00:59:22.000 Right.
00:59:22.000 Well, it can be done, but man, you've got to really understand what it is.
00:59:27.000 And I think something happens to people when they become famous where you just think that you've already got it and that you don't have to work hard at it.
00:59:35.000 You know, you think, like, I'll just go and do a set.
00:59:38.000 And you can't do that.
00:59:39.000 And that's one of the things the store will show you.
00:59:42.000 Because the store, you know, you would be going on after Joey Diaz, or you'd be going on after Anthony Jeselnik, or, you know, there's a million murderers in that place.
00:59:51.000 A million murderers.
00:59:53.000 And we would be going up all together on these shows and seeing each other's new stuff and, you know, talking about our new stuff and complimenting each other and having fun together.
01:00:03.000 And then you would take that kind of energy and then go on the road with it.
01:00:06.000 And you had the momentum of the store and the camaraderie that the store brought.
01:00:10.000 Right.
01:00:10.000 You know, there was a real tangible camaraderie about that place.
01:00:14.000 And something that I have to have.
01:00:17.000 I miss the tribe feeling that I got there.
01:00:22.000 And although we're recreating that here in Austin, and I don't think I'll ever quit doing stand-up.
01:00:29.000 I'm going to quit touring.
01:00:30.000 I still want to come out and do sets at your new place, but I just want to do everything on my terms and just call the shots.
01:00:41.000 Why not?
01:00:42.000 You can.
01:00:43.000 Yeah, I can.
01:00:44.000 Yeah, and if that's what you want to do, there's no reason to not.
01:00:49.000 And again, you've always got a home wherever I am.
01:00:53.000 And these shows that we've been doing, we're going to do a show together tonight. 0.99
01:00:57.000 These fucking shows are so fun. 0.98
01:00:59.000 Hanging out in the green room, just laughing. 1.00
01:01:01.000 It's just a hoot.
01:01:02.000 Getting it started and hearing the crowd roar.
01:01:05.000 Right.
01:01:05.000 We're the luckiest people alive.
01:01:07.000 Right.
01:01:08.000 And in California, I would never, ever let anybody go with me to the store.
01:01:13.000 Not my wife at the time or my friends because it was mine.
01:01:18.000 I went there by myself.
01:01:20.000 I didn't bring my manager.
01:01:21.000 Nobody went with me.
01:01:25.000 Martin, who's the big movie star that used to come out to the store every once in a while and he would have a I can't think of his name.
01:01:37.000 Martin Lawrence?
01:01:38.000 Yeah, Martin Lawrence.
01:01:39.000 And there would be two big SUVs of people that got there before him, and then they'd set up rails, and so you couldn't touch him, and he would come in.
01:01:50.000 I'm like, that's no fun.
01:01:52.000 Go out there by yourself, and hang out with your friends, and say what you want to say, and do what you want to do, and you don't have to worry about somewhere they're sitting, or Cokes.
01:02:00.000 And somebody asked me for tickets to you and Chappelle's show, and I said, no, I'm not going to do it.
01:02:06.000 I'm not going to pester those guys for tickets.
01:02:09.000 I'm just not going to do it.
01:02:11.000 And I don't know why, because I know it wouldn't have been a big deal to you.
01:02:20.000 I just love this experience without all that hassle.
01:02:26.000 That's the comedy club life.
01:02:28.000 The comedy club life is a better life.
01:02:30.000 The arena life is weird.
01:02:33.000 It's fun because I've been doing it with Tony and I've done some with Ian Edwards and Laura Bites and some other folks.
01:02:40.000 They're fun too.
01:02:41.000 Those shows are fun.
01:02:43.000 I mean, they're amazing.
01:02:45.000 They're epic. 0.95
01:02:46.000 When you're performing in front of this fucking gigantic, huge arena filled with people, but the comedy club life is stand-up at its purest. 0.97
01:02:54.000 It's a couple hundred people. 0.98
01:02:56.000 Yeah. 0.95
01:02:57.000 You know, you're there fucking around, having a good time, and everybody enjoys it, and you're working on this weird art form. 1.00
01:03:04.000 It's a weird art form of talking shit. 0.99
01:03:07.000 I remember we were in the back, and we were in the bar, the Secret Comedians bar, and you and I were sitting there, and you were telling me this fucking story about the time when you were in Hawaii, and I'm laughing so fucking hard. 0.99
01:03:19.000 I go, are you telling this on stage? 0.90
01:03:20.000 You go, oh, I don't think I can tell that on stage. 1.00
01:03:22.000 I'm like, the fuck you can't. 1.00
01:03:24.000 I go, you gotta tell that on stage. 1.00
01:03:25.000 You went right from there on stage and murdered with that story.
01:03:31.000 We were crying.
01:03:32.000 In the back, holding our guts.
01:03:34.000 I remember that.
01:03:35.000 I remember that.
01:03:36.000 You know, a lot of times I'll just miss it.
01:03:38.000 You know, I'll have something in my head that I don't think anybody will like, and then it turns out I'm wrong.
01:03:45.000 I ended up doing that story for a while.
01:03:49.000 It's one of those things, if you could tell your friends, you could tell all those other people, because they're basically your friends.
01:03:54.000 If you could tell me, and I'm laughing...
01:03:56.000 Oh, yeah, well, yeah.
01:03:57.000 Yeah, if it works on you, it's going to work.
01:04:01.000 Those people are your friends.
01:04:02.000 Those people that come to see you are your friends.
01:04:04.000 Right.
01:04:04.000 You know?
01:04:05.000 They're your friends that you don't really know that well, but they're your friends.
01:04:08.000 They know you.
01:04:09.000 It's a weird friendship, but they know you.
01:04:11.000 You know, if you find an idea that you want to tell your friends, I guarantee you could tell them, too.
01:04:18.000 Right.
01:04:19.000 And I find that I sell them short sometimes, too, thinking they won't get it or something.
01:04:23.000 But if I go ahead and try it, I was usually wrong.
01:04:26.000 Usually if I think it's funny, it's going to work.
01:04:29.000 It's one of the weirdest things about comedy, isn't it?
01:04:30.000 It's like, what is funny?
01:04:32.000 What do I talk about?
01:04:34.000 I always have this thing that I do, like right now, I'm thinking about filming a special, and I'm probably going to film a special sometime in the spring.
01:04:41.000 I'm trying to figure out where to do it, and then when it's over, even right now, I'm in a panic, because not that I don't have the material to do it, I do have the material to do it, but then once it's done, I'll have no material.
01:04:53.000 Then I have to throw it all out and start from scratch, and that's the panic phase.
01:04:56.000 Ooh, that is a horrible feeling, right?
01:04:58.000 I hate it.
01:05:00.000 And, you know, I used to, I would wait until I had a show, you know, and then I would always, you guys, a lot of, a lot of guys spit out a special a year, and I just, I can't do it.
01:05:16.000 I got to let that stuff sit on the vine because it ripens on the vine.
01:05:20.000 It does.
01:05:21.000 I think two years is the right thing for me.
01:05:24.000 It's either two or it might even be three.
01:05:26.000 It's become three because of COVID. It's actually going to be four because we lost a good solid year and it's going to be 2022 soon.
01:05:35.000 And I was going to do one in 2021 or in 2020. My last one was 2018. Yeah, I think mine was too.
01:05:40.000 The COVID thing rolled around literally like a few months before I was thinking about filming, but now I look at that material and I'm like, it's better now than it was.
01:05:47.000 Right.
01:05:48.000 Yeah.
01:05:50.000 I heard somebody say that if they try to spit out one every year, it gets pretty juvenile.
01:05:55.000 Yeah.
01:05:58.000 I actually had a joke on one album that I did, and then I kept doing that bit, and then I found the punchline to it later.
01:06:12.000 And so I wanted to put it on the next special and they wouldn't let me do it.
01:06:19.000 But the funny part hasn't been done yet.
01:06:23.000 And the story was about...
01:06:27.000 My wife wanted me to work out or something, and she got me a bicycle, and it's for sale.
01:06:33.000 It's got 750 yards on it.
01:06:36.000 And it's...
01:06:41.000 Anyway, it already had 350 yards on it, but I put the other 400 yards on it myself.
01:06:47.000 But the real punchline was, and if you'd like to buy the bicycle, just go to my house in Beverly Hills, and it's 400 yards from there.
01:06:55.000 So that was a good joke, right?
01:06:58.000 Before, I don't even know why I did it without that punchline. 0.99
01:07:01.000 But that's the way that shit ripens when you do it for a long period of time. 0.99
01:07:06.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99
01:07:07.000 And then sometimes your friends will watch it, and then they'll give you a tag, you know, or whatever, and it works out.
01:07:12.000 That's also one of the great things about having friends that are really good comics, and sometimes they'll see something in a joke that you don't see.
01:07:19.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:07:20.000 No, that's amazing when that happens.
01:07:22.000 There's also those moments when you do a show, like if you do a weekend at a club, and you do a show, and you do like two shows on Friday, and then on the first show on Saturday, you have a different way of doing it, and then it becomes a whole new bit.
01:07:34.000 Right.
01:07:34.000 It just goes a totally different direction.
01:07:37.000 It's like the universe opened a door for you and you go, what about this right here?
01:07:40.000 Right.
01:07:40.000 And you're like, oh, that's the way to take it.
01:07:43.000 There it is.
01:07:44.000 There it is, and it is a learning process.
01:07:47.000 Can I light one of these things up?
01:07:48.000 Yeah, yeah, whatever you want, man.
01:07:50.000 Here.
01:07:50.000 Here.
01:07:54.000 It's a learning process. 0.99
01:07:55.000 It's a fucking weird art form. 0.99
01:07:57.000 And everybody does it different. 0.99
01:07:59.000 Nobody can teach you how to do it.
01:08:01.000 Unfortunately, it's the only art form where there's not even real classes. 0.99
01:08:08.000 The classes are the ones where we all sit down together and talk through shit. 0.99
01:08:13.000 Right. 1.00
01:08:14.000 Yeah.
01:08:14.000 There are people that teach stand-up, but I've never seen anybody really come out of that environment.
01:08:19.000 I don't know what part of it you can teach.
01:08:21.000 And it's right.
01:08:23.000 It's something you have to figure out.
01:08:24.000 It is a truly personal journey, stand-up comedy, because nobody gets there the same way.
01:08:33.000 I'm a real weird animal because my fame all came from stand-up.
01:08:38.000 I never had a television show.
01:08:39.000 I wasn't on...
01:08:42.000 What was the name of the sitcom that you were on?
01:08:44.000 News Radio.
01:08:45.000 News Radio.
01:08:45.000 I didn't even know you were on that.
01:08:49.000 But that was a great show.
01:08:51.000 It was a good show.
01:08:51.000 Very good show.
01:08:53.000 I'm a lucky motherfucker, Ron White. 0.99
01:08:55.000 And then Fear Factored, that I did watch some. 0.99
01:08:58.000 But for the most part, I was doing stand-up six nights a week at least.
01:09:03.000 So I didn't watch any evening television that much.
01:09:07.000 But it's amazing how many people just know you from that or just know you from fights.
01:09:13.000 You're still doing fights, right?
01:09:15.000 Yeah, I just did one this weekend.
01:09:16.000 Oh, you did?
01:09:17.000 Did the UFC this past weekend.
01:09:19.000 In Vegas?
01:09:20.000 Was it in Vegas?
01:09:21.000 Yeah.
01:09:22.000 Oh, no. 0.99
01:09:23.000 Where the fuck was it? 1.00
01:09:23.000 Was it in Vegas? 1.00
01:09:24.000 No.
01:09:24.000 No.
01:09:25.000 New York.
01:09:25.000 Madison Square Garden.
01:09:26.000 Thank you.
01:09:27.000 See, I don't even know where I was.
01:09:28.000 And that was this weekend?
01:09:29.000 That was this past weekend.
01:09:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:09:32.000 Yeah, I do a lot of shit. 1.00
01:09:33.000 I think I'm crazy. 1.00
01:09:35.000 I really do.
01:09:36.000 I think I need to do something all the time.
01:09:38.000 Well, you never hear anybody go, he reminds me of Rogan.
01:09:42.000 Nobody reminds me of Rogan.
01:09:45.000 Yeah, I feel like if I don't constantly occupy my mind with difficult tasks, I will turn on myself.
01:09:53.000 That's my concern.
01:09:55.000 Wow.
01:09:56.000 Yeah.
01:09:57.000 Well, I'm glad I don't have that concern.
01:10:00.000 I'd be too busy.
01:10:01.000 Yeah, well, that's the problem.
01:10:03.000 Everybody's different, but that's the problem with my brain.
01:10:06.000 I have this weird brain.
01:10:09.000 It is a weird brain, because I remember one time I came in to do your show, and you had already done one podcast that day, and I'm like, what are you doing now?
01:10:17.000 He goes, well, I'm going to go do my abs.
01:10:19.000 And I got five sets tonight or something.
01:10:22.000 Jesus Christ, dude.
01:10:23.000 Because we had just done three hours.
01:10:24.000 I was exhausted.
01:10:25.000 I just wanted to go home and go to bed.
01:10:27.000 And we were drunk.
01:10:29.000 Yeah.
01:10:30.000 Speaking of drunk.
01:10:31.000 Speaking of drunk, I'm going to try a little bit of your tequila since you don't drink.
01:10:34.000 Yeah.
01:10:36.000 Right there, ladies and gentlemen.
01:10:38.000 Number one.
01:10:39.000 Available everywhere.
01:10:40.000 Fine liquor sold.
01:10:41.000 Yeah.
01:10:42.000 And will be available at my comedy club for sure.
01:10:44.000 Oh, great.
01:10:45.000 I'm doing the Moody Theater this weekend.
01:10:47.000 Oh, you really?
01:10:47.000 I got two shows at the Moody at ACL Live or whatever it is.
01:10:51.000 They're calling it downtown Austin.
01:10:53.000 Nice.
01:10:53.000 Yeah.
01:10:55.000 Which will be fun.
01:10:56.000 I've done the Paramount.
01:10:57.000 I don't know if I've done it.
01:10:58.000 I think I've done the Moody.
01:10:59.000 The Moody's great.
01:11:00.000 How many seats is it?
01:11:01.000 2,500.
01:11:02.000 Nice.
01:11:02.000 And I've got two.
01:11:03.000 I think there's some tickets left, but not very many.
01:11:07.000 I used to do Bass Hall, which was about 3,000 seats, and I would do two in that one.
01:11:11.000 But I really like the way the Moody's set up.
01:11:13.000 And Bass Hall...
01:11:15.000 I mean, you have to literally...
01:11:16.000 You can't smoke on that campus. 0.84
01:11:19.000 You can't walk outside and smoke a cigar without them just flipping the fuck out because it's on UT campus.
01:11:24.000 And I love that Paramount is a great place to do a show, but it's also just kind of small.
01:11:31.000 How many is that seat?
01:11:32.000 About 13, I think.
01:11:33.000 I was just there for Andrew Schultz.
01:11:36.000 He did his special there about a month ago.
01:11:39.000 It was great.
01:11:41.000 Great setup for a special.
01:11:43.000 Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
01:11:45.000 I'm doing a big show in Houston in Katy, about a 5,000-seater, and that'll be fun.
01:11:50.000 And I'm going to start with a show in Arkansas, so it'll be a great warm-up for that Houston show.
01:11:57.000 And I should be firing on all eight cylinders by Austin, for sure.
01:12:03.000 Beautiful.
01:12:03.000 So that'll be fun.
01:12:04.000 Come on, man.
01:12:05.000 You can't quit comedy.
01:12:06.000 You're never going to quit comedy. 1.00
01:12:09.000 It's going to be the same shit that you did when you went up. 1.00
01:12:11.000 I'm never going to leave Montana. 0.99
01:12:15.000 Yeah, I think one thing that I'm feeling is being here in Austin has relaxed me in a big way.
01:12:22.000 It's changed my idea of what it means to live somewhere.
01:12:29.000 When I was living in LA, everything was tense. 0.99
01:12:32.000 There was tension, and there was traffic, and so many people, and the attitude was different, and this fucking... 0.98
01:12:41.000 This showbiz attitude. 0.97
01:12:42.000 Yeah, that's one thing that I won't do.
01:12:44.000 If I find a new restaurant that I really like in Austin, I won't tell you about it.
01:12:49.000 And the reason is because you'll mention on your show and I can't get in anymore.
01:12:53.000 There'll be a line around the block.
01:12:55.000 Nobody can go to Terry Black's.
01:12:56.000 Nobody can.
01:12:58.000 I have to order five pounds, or my assistant can't get it.
01:13:03.000 They won't sell you just a plate of ribs to go.
01:13:05.000 You've got to go stand in that line, unless you're happy to be eating there, and then you'll call me and go, Hey, Ron, I'm coming down here.
01:13:10.000 We don't have to stand in the line.
01:13:11.000 You're great.
01:13:12.000 But I know where some tacos are that would change your life, and I'm not going to tell you where to get them.
01:13:17.000 But just tell me and tell me not to tell anybody.
01:13:19.000 Yeah, you'd do it.
01:13:20.000 It would slip out, I'm telling you, and it would ruin my connection to these tacos.
01:13:23.000 There was a Mexican joint in Hollywood, or in Woodland Hills, rather, that I didn't tell anybody about until after I left. 0.98
01:13:30.000 Oh, then you went back and fucked it up. 0.99
01:13:33.000 Right. 0.98
01:13:33.000 I don't know if I fucked it up. 0.98
01:13:34.000 They sent me a message thanking me, because I would go there, and it was so authentic. 0.80
01:13:39.000 They had, like, those Mexican soap operas that were on the TV. Everyone spoke Spanish.
01:13:46.000 They had, like, lengua tacos.
01:13:49.000 And I don't want to sound racist or anything, but you can tell by the way a place is painted, whether it's people from Mexico.
01:13:55.000 Because when corporate America tries to duplicate it, which they'll try to do...
01:13:59.000 They just don't get it.
01:14:00.000 You can't.
01:14:00.000 There's got to be some exposed wires.
01:14:02.000 There's got to be, you know, there's got to be some shit. 0.99
01:14:04.000 It was so legit. 0.99
01:14:05.000 It was a small place.
01:14:07.000 These TVs are too new.
01:14:08.000 I'm not eating here.
01:14:10.000 I want a TV that has a screen that has got a curve to it like them old ones.
01:14:15.000 Yeah, this place was amazing and I was careful not to mention it on the podcast because I was worried that it would fuck it up.
01:14:22.000 So good.
01:14:24.000 I'll sneak you over there one day, but I'm not going to...
01:14:27.000 I promise you.
01:14:27.000 I'm going to blindfold you and take you in there.
01:14:30.000 I won't tell anybody.
01:14:33.000 I mean, I would eat at Terry Black's and I'd be like, I don't understand how people don't know about this. 0.96
01:14:38.000 I mean, not don't know about this, but how there's not a fucking line a mile long. 0.90
01:14:43.000 Well, there was a line a half a mile long. 0.98
01:14:46.000 Now there's a line a mile long. 0.98
01:14:48.000 That place is so goddamn good. 0.94
01:14:50.000 I know. 0.89
01:14:51.000 I got friends coming in, and my crew's coming in.
01:14:54.000 We're going to take the bus up from here, so I'm having Terry Black's. 0.87
01:14:58.000 I ordered five pounds of it, so I got a bunch of brisket and ribs and that beef rib that you can't even pick up the bone with the rib steak.
01:15:07.000 It slides right up.
01:15:07.000 Oh, God, that's just heaven.
01:15:09.000 It's insane how much good food is here.
01:15:11.000 Yeah.
01:15:12.000 Austin is one of the best places to eat I've ever been.
01:15:16.000 It's like all the best places in LA just smooshed into one small city.
01:15:20.000 Right, and then it's also the live music here.
01:15:23.000 As big as LA is, they do not have this live scene.
01:15:27.000 No, it's a different thing, right?
01:15:28.000 Here they're actually doing it for the love of music.
01:15:32.000 I'm sure they all want to be famous.
01:15:34.000 I'm sure they want record contracts.
01:15:36.000 Those shows, no one is there to help them.
01:15:39.000 Those shows are just audience.
01:15:41.000 It's just people having a good time.
01:15:43.000 Listening rooms.
01:15:43.000 That's what I love.
01:15:44.000 I love to go to Saxon because nobody talks.
01:15:47.000 That's a listening room.
01:15:48.000 Where's that at?
01:15:49.000 Saxon is over on the South Congress.
01:15:52.000 Where is Saxon?
01:15:53.000 That could be wrong.
01:15:53.000 It could be Lamar.
01:15:54.000 When do they have shows there?
01:15:56.000 All the time.
01:15:57.000 You go on Monday night, and that's the problem with Missing Kill Tony, and watch Bob Schneider.
01:16:04.000 You know who Schneider is?
01:16:05.000 No. 1.00
01:16:05.000 Fuck, dude, really? 1.00
01:16:07.000 Yeah, go see Bob Schneider. 1.00
01:16:11.000 He's just an artist from Austin, and he used to have a band called The Scabs, and they were the biggest thing in Austin.
01:16:23.000 In fact, at one time, one of the Scabs albums was the biggest selling album in the history of Tower Records.
01:16:30.000 Wow. 0.88
01:16:31.000 And it was Bob Schneider, and it was the funnest goddamn band, and they were always at Antones, and they moved to some other place. 0.97
01:16:38.000 Oh, look at that place. 0.96
01:16:38.000 That place looks so classic. 0.96
01:16:40.000 Yeah.
01:16:41.000 Oh, that's so beautiful.
01:16:42.000 Yeah, that's where I met Billy Bob Thornton.
01:16:45.000 He asked me to be in a movie when I met him.
01:16:48.000 He said, I got a script I'm going to send you, which people say that, you know, and then they never do.
01:16:53.000 Six months later, I got a script and made a movie and I was in it.
01:16:57.000 Wow.
01:16:57.000 But that's where we met.
01:16:58.000 The next day after that was Ron White Day in the state of Texas.
01:17:02.000 You have a state of Texas Ron White Day? 1.00
01:17:04.000 Fuck yeah, dude. 1.00
01:17:04.000 Holy shit. 1.00
01:17:05.000 I don't know what day it was, but you can look it up. 0.99
01:17:08.000 That's amazing.
01:17:09.000 We stayed up drinking on his bus.
01:17:12.000 He was downtown doing a shoot for Willie Nelson, a documentary.
01:17:17.000 And the next day was Ron White Day.
01:17:19.000 And he wrote a note to the House, excusing me for my condition.
01:17:24.000 And he signed it.
01:17:27.000 There you go.
01:17:28.000 I look like a lawyer.
01:17:30.000 April 27, Ron White Day.
01:17:33.000 April 27. And you know what?
01:17:34.000 That's also why...
01:17:37.000 My record is completely clean.
01:17:41.000 There's no arrests on my record.
01:17:43.000 And there used to be a lot.
01:17:45.000 I mean, a lot, a lot.
01:17:46.000 When I was a kid, I was so much trouble.
01:17:48.000 And it was never anything big, but it was a lot.
01:17:51.000 I don't even know if I'm telling you this, but I was in jail like...
01:17:58.000 Wow. 0.98
01:18:14.000 And so they made it Ron White Day in the state of Texas, but they didn't check to see this fucking long arrest record. 0.99
01:18:19.000 I look like a hoodlum. 0.99
01:18:21.000 It's all years old.
01:18:23.000 You know, well, one of them not, but one in Florida.
01:18:27.000 But this Texas Supreme Court justice was getting all these complaints, and he pulled it up on his magic computer and went, delete?
01:18:35.000 I don't see what you're talking about.
01:18:37.000 Wow.
01:18:39.000 So, and I had, I can't remember the guy's name, but I had lunch with him, and he was like, yeah, it's gone.
01:18:44.000 It's gone from here, but he didn't have a button in Canada.
01:18:48.000 Oh. 0.99
01:18:48.000 So, when I went up to Canada, they were like, what about all this shit? 0.99
01:18:51.000 And I'm like, they forgave me and everything, and they're like, they let me in, but they fucked with me. 0.99
01:18:58.000 It used to be so fun to go to Canada. 0.98
01:19:00.000 It was like, yeah, come in, have a drink.
01:19:02.000 I have a buddy who went up to Canada, and in like...
01:19:07.000 Somewhere in like the 90s, he was working for a check cashing company and he carried a gun on him.
01:19:14.000 And he got pulled over by the cops and he told the cops, hey, there's a gun in my car.
01:19:20.000 I have a license to carry this gun.
01:19:22.000 I work for a check cashing company and I'm driving around with a large sum of cash.
01:19:27.000 And so the cops arrested him.
01:19:29.000 They checked, made sure everything was cool.
01:19:32.000 Everything was cool.
01:19:32.000 They let him go.
01:19:33.000 But every time he goes into Canada, that comes up.
01:19:35.000 Right.
01:19:36.000 And he's like, no, no, no.
01:19:37.000 It was totally legal.
01:19:39.000 I had a gun.
01:19:40.000 I was working for a check cashing company.
01:19:42.000 The cops pulled me over.
01:19:42.000 I told them I had a gun, and they arrested me.
01:19:45.000 They had to run the checks.
01:19:46.000 They make sure everything was cool, and then they let me go. 1.00
01:19:48.000 Yeah, they were so shitty. 0.95
01:19:50.000 We flew in there on Tater Air, my plane. 0.98
01:19:55.000 We had several shows in Canada, and they were going through everything.
01:19:59.000 And I told everybody, make sure you don't have any pop, because these people don't play around like they used to.
01:20:05.000 Well, they arrested Hendrix up there.
01:20:07.000 Who?
01:20:08.000 Hendrix.
01:20:09.000 Hendrix?
01:20:09.000 Jimi Hendrix.
01:20:10.000 Oh, Jimi Hendrix.
01:20:11.000 I mean, they've always been rough on people coming across the border with stuff.
01:20:15.000 Here's what happened.
01:20:15.000 It's cold outside.
01:20:16.000 They've got us on the tarmac. 0.99
01:20:18.000 They got a drug dog on there that's barking his fucking head off because we smoked plenty of weed on that plane. 0.99
01:20:24.000 He's about to start tearing seats apart, which makes us look fucking guilty. 0.99
01:20:29.000 And then they put the luggage out, and one of them goes over and sits by Robert Hawkins' fucking suitcase. 0.99
01:20:36.000 You know Robert Hawkins? 0.99
01:20:38.000 Great comedian.
01:20:39.000 One of my favorites. 0.66
01:20:41.000 Crazy, but great comic. 1.00
01:20:44.000 And the motherfucker had a joint this big. 1.00
01:20:47.000 So they handcuffed him, put him in a car, and we're all still out there while they're searching the fucking plane. 1.00
01:20:52.000 The dog's still barking. 0.99
01:20:53.000 It's cold outside.
01:20:54.000 He's sitting over there in a heated car.
01:20:57.000 And luckily there was another guy.
01:20:59.000 They let us go, but they kept him.
01:21:02.000 And they said that they'd give him back to us when we left.
01:21:05.000 So they had to keep him overnight when you did the show?
01:21:08.000 Yeah, they stored him.
01:21:09.000 Oh my god.
01:21:10.000 But it was weird.
01:21:13.000 And I was so mad at him for so many years.
01:21:15.000 Robert, if you're out there listening, I love you, brother.
01:21:17.000 I love you, brother.
01:21:17.000 I think you're funny.
01:21:19.000 Fucking asshole. 1.00
01:21:20.000 I can't believe you fucking did that. 1.00
01:21:22.000 Sometimes people, like, if you smoke a lot of weed, you might have a joint in your, like, fucking toiletries bag and forget about it. 1.00
01:21:30.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98
01:21:30.000 I'm never completely out of pot for that very reason. 0.98
01:21:33.000 If I dig around, I know it, too.
01:21:34.000 I know if I'll dig around if there's something somewhere.
01:21:37.000 It's so weird that it's illegal some places.
01:21:39.000 It's so weird that it's this regulated drug that's treated differently than alcohol.
01:21:45.000 Because alcohol, look, I'm a fan of alcohol, but alcohol's way worse for your body.
01:21:50.000 Yeah, me too, by the way. 1.00
01:21:52.000 You drank it for 50 fucking years. 1.00
01:21:54.000 Here's how I see it. 1.00
01:21:56.000 Everybody has a certain amount of liquor they can drink, and I just drank mine faster than I should have.
01:22:02.000 And now I don't have any.
01:22:03.000 And it's gone.
01:22:06.000 So everybody else, you know, take your time.
01:22:08.000 But drink number one tequila, it's better for you, and it's also really good.
01:22:12.000 So that's what I'm going to do.
01:22:13.000 You know what I think, Ron?
01:22:14.000 I think about pot the same way I think about alcohol, the same way I think about anything that alters your state of consciousness.
01:22:20.000 We're never taught how to do it.
01:22:24.000 It's a thing that's probably one of the most profoundly impactful things that people do, is getting drunk.
01:22:30.000 Like you drive cars, you smash into cars, you kill yourself, you drink yourself into a disease, you say horrible things that you shouldn't have said.
01:22:39.000 Alcohol can do wild things to people.
01:22:42.000 And no one teaches you how to use it.
01:22:44.000 No one teaches you how to use it.
01:22:46.000 They just let you drink.
01:22:48.000 And it's when you're a kid, when you're 21, and you can drink legally, the difference between not drinking or very rarely drinking and drinking all the time with your buddies is so profound on the way your brain works, so profound on the way you're productive, 0.96
01:23:05.000 like the shit you can get done versus the shit you can get done if you were sober. 0.96
01:23:10.000 Right. 1.00
01:23:10.000 And nobody teaches you that if you have an addicted personality and you start drinking all the time, you could get addicted to alcohol. 1.00
01:23:17.000 Like, you could fuck your life up. 0.99
01:23:18.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:23:19.000 You know, I have no idea.
01:23:19.000 They just let you do it and then fix you when you're broken.
01:23:22.000 Right.
01:23:23.000 I have no idea.
01:23:24.000 And I look back on it, you know, and go... 0.97
01:23:26.000 Why did I beat my head so hard against that wall for so long instead of just fucking relaxing? 0.99
01:23:33.000 You don't have to drink that fucking hard. 0.99
01:23:36.000 I'm not trying to change anybody's life. 0.99
01:23:38.000 I had to quit drinking because of a problem with my liver.
01:23:42.000 I don't know if I told you that or not.
01:23:43.000 Yeah, you alluded to it.
01:23:46.000 My doctors were telling me, here's the bad news.
01:23:51.000 Do what you want to about it.
01:23:53.000 I'm like, okay, well, You know, I'll quit. 0.90
01:23:56.000 So I wasn't real fucking thrilled about it. 0.71
01:23:59.000 But now, you know, I dig it. 0.93
01:24:02.000 I'm having fun.
01:24:03.000 You know, I'm having fun.
01:24:04.000 It stopped bothering me a bit. 0.99
01:24:05.000 And they're not giving away AA chips for my fucking behavior, you know. 0.99
01:24:09.000 I did a micro dose of mushrooms this morning. 0.99
01:24:11.000 And, you know, I'm so stoned I could barely see you.
01:24:17.000 I admire those people, though, the people that stop drinking but can still smoke weed.
01:24:21.000 It doesn't bother them.
01:24:23.000 Yeah, it doesn't bother me at all.
01:24:25.000 And it's the wildest thing that I can just go get in my car and drive somewhere.
01:24:29.000 It relaxes you too.
01:24:31.000 I think weed is one of those things that it doesn't affect your, for the most part, your central nervous system and your motor skills.
01:24:38.000 It doesn't really.
01:24:39.000 A lot of guys like to do jujitsu high.
01:24:42.000 Did you know that?
01:24:43.000 No, I did not know that.
01:24:44.000 It's a very common thing.
01:24:45.000 In fact, there's actually like a jiu-jitsu promotion where everyone gets high and then competes against each other.
01:24:51.000 It's called high rollers jiu-jitsu.
01:24:54.000 High rollers Brazilian jiu-jitsu or high rollers jiu-jitsu?
01:24:57.000 This dude, Matt, who puts it together, he came up with this concept of having people get stoned and roll and film, and they show them smoking weed, and it's like...
01:25:07.000 They're very friendly with each other.
01:25:09.000 It's a weird thing.
01:25:10.000 Jiu-jitsu and weed have always gone hand in hand for a lot of people.
01:25:14.000 A lot of high-level guys used to smoke weed and roll.
01:25:18.000 You still do it?
01:25:19.000 I haven't in a while.
01:25:20.000 I've been having some problems with my knee. 0.99
01:25:23.000 I fucked one of my knees up. 0.99
01:25:25.000 Not too bad, but I can do a lot of things. 1.00
01:25:28.000 I can kick the bag.
01:25:29.000 I can hike trails and stuff like that.
01:25:31.000 But I worry about the twisting of jujitsu on it because jujitsu is really rough on your knees.
01:25:37.000 And so I've been trying to rehabilitate it.
01:25:41.000 But at 54, it's a slow process, man.
01:25:44.000 Even on testosterone replacement and everything, things don't want to heal that good.
01:25:49.000 They just don't.
01:25:51.000 Yeah, wait and see what's coming.
01:25:52.000 I know.
01:25:53.000 I know what's coming.
01:25:54.000 But I'm trying to maintain as much as I can.
01:25:57.000 So things like jujitsu, the problem with that is it might not help me maintain.
01:26:00.000 It might make my knee worse.
01:26:02.000 Yeah, I do those, you know, a lot of celebrity golf tournaments, and most of the celebrities are athletes. 0.99
01:26:07.000 And these big old fucking football players, man, they are so beat up, retired. 0.99
01:26:14.000 That's the hardest sport in the world, I think, on your body. 1.00
01:26:16.000 Yeah.
01:26:17.000 I mean, you got a dude who's...
01:26:19.000 260 pounds running and colliding with another dude who's 260 pounds.
01:26:24.000 They're going full clip and they're super athletes.
01:26:27.000 They're the freakiest specimens that we have.
01:26:29.000 If you look at an elite football player or an elite mixed martial artist, anyone who's at this crazy combat sport level, when you see the highest of the high, those are freak athletes, man.
01:26:42.000 And in football, they're literally running at each other full blast.
01:26:47.000 Yeah, I didn't do much of it.
01:26:49.000 It turns out smoking pot watching cartoons is really good for your knees, Joe, and my knees are great.
01:26:55.000 When I was in high school, my high school wrestling coach was also a football coach, and he was trying to get me to play football. 1.00
01:27:00.000 He was trying to talk, come on, you're a fucking psycho, you would love it. 0.99
01:27:03.000 I go, no. 1.00
01:27:04.000 I go, look, dude, I wrestle at 134 pounds.
01:27:07.000 That's what I wrestled at. 0.98
01:27:08.000 I was like, these guys are giant guys.
01:27:10.000 There's a kid in our wrestling team.
01:27:11.000 His name is Bobby, Bobby Baker.
01:27:12.000 He was on the football team.
01:27:13.000 He was 300 pounds. 0.99
01:27:15.000 He was fucking huge as kid. 0.99
01:27:16.000 I was like, he and I, we're not going to run into each other. 0.99
01:27:19.000 I'm not doing that.
01:27:20.000 Right. 0.98
01:27:21.000 That is a dumb thing for me. 0.98
01:27:22.000 Yeah, there's no weight class in football. 1.00
01:27:25.000 Fuck that. 1.00
01:27:25.000 That dude, I was at a bar once in Phoenix. 1.00
01:27:28.000 We were leaving.
01:27:31.000 We went and did a comedy show at the Tempe Improv and then we went to get something to eat. 0.99
01:27:35.000 We're walking to this place and this fucking pro football player was walking in front of me. 0.99
01:27:39.000 And he was so much bigger than everybody. 1.00
01:27:42.000 It was so ridiculous. 1.00
01:27:43.000 He was this big corn-fread fucking dude from the Midwest. 1.00
01:27:47.000 He was like six foot six, 300 whatever the fuck pounds, just an enormous human walking through this crowd of people. 0.99
01:27:55.000 I was like, what the That guy is. 0.97
01:27:58.000 Yeah, the Cowboys used to practice in San Angelo, Texas for a while, summer camp, and I lived there.
01:28:05.000 I met Leon Gray coming out of a...
01:28:07.000 He was 6'9", you know, whatever.
01:28:10.000 And coming out of a bathroom, and I shook hands with him, and his hands were wet.
01:28:15.000 And I'm like, this guy's just a weird experience, you know.
01:28:17.000 This guy's hands like a tire.
01:28:19.000 I felt like a little kid shaking hands.
01:28:22.000 That's how I feel when I shake Shaq's hands. 0.99
01:28:25.000 Yeah, I bet they're fucking amazing. 0.96
01:28:27.000 Dude, I did Fear Factor with Shaq, and he's like seven feet tall. 0.99
01:28:31.000 I'm like his six-year-old son, hanging out with him at the park.
01:28:34.000 It's hilarious.
01:28:35.000 That was weird.
01:28:36.000 I wonder why he was at the Formula One race.
01:28:38.000 Jack?
01:28:39.000 Yeah.
01:28:39.000 He does a lot of stuff.
01:28:40.000 He goes, he gets around, does all kinds of stuff.
01:28:42.000 He's always busy.
01:28:44.000 You know, he's always doing commercials and shows and this and that.
01:28:47.000 And he kind of has a good time now.
01:28:49.000 He's a fun dude.
01:28:51.000 He did Fear Factor with me.
01:28:52.000 He did like the countdown.
01:28:53.000 He's like, three, two, one, go!
01:28:55.000 He did that.
01:28:56.000 It was fun.
01:28:57.000 Hanging out with him for a day.
01:28:58.000 He's a fun guy.
01:28:58.000 But he's so big!
01:29:01.000 That's right, he's DJing. 1.00
01:29:02.000 He's fucking DJing. 1.00
01:29:04.000 And he's still jacked. 1.00
01:29:05.000 Look at the fucking size of his shoulders. 1.00
01:29:08.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
01:29:09.000 Look at the size of him. 0.58
01:29:10.000 He's still jacked.
01:29:11.000 So I wonder why he didn't get into movies and play the rock part.
01:29:15.000 Maybe he's just having fun.
01:29:17.000 Seems like he's having a good time.
01:29:19.000 Oh, that's right, he did that one.
01:29:21.000 He was Kazam.
01:29:22.000 That's right.
01:29:23.000 And like a version of Superman 2. Right.
01:29:25.000 And then what was it?
01:29:28.000 The basketball movie.
01:29:30.000 Didn't he do that?
01:29:31.000 Smaller role.
01:29:32.000 Blue Chips.
01:29:33.000 Blue Chips, right.
01:29:33.000 He was still playing though.
01:29:34.000 So did he play, was he DJing at the Formula 1?
01:29:38.000 Is that what it was?
01:29:39.000 Yeah, his DJ name is DJ Diesel.
01:29:43.000 And he's been making the rounds, people love him.
01:29:46.000 That's amazing.
01:29:47.000 Of course they do.
01:29:48.000 Okay, well that answers my question of what he was doing, because I just saw him with the drivers walking up.
01:29:53.000 And he had on a golf shirt, and it looked like he had been resting against some kind of dirt or something.
01:30:01.000 And it was just awkward.
01:30:02.000 I just watched him do that.
01:30:04.000 I didn't know why.
01:30:04.000 I didn't know he was there doing this.
01:30:06.000 Do you know he used to work for a police organization, one of the police organizations, and I forget which one, and he would troll pedophiles online.
01:30:18.000 He would try to bait pedophiles online.
01:30:21.000 He would help them catch them.
01:30:24.000 Who?
01:30:24.000 See if you can find that.
01:30:25.000 Shaq.
01:30:26.000 Really?
01:30:26.000 Yeah, Shaq is like a sheriff.
01:30:28.000 Oh, really?
01:30:29.000 Yeah.
01:30:31.000 He's been involved with law enforcement for things like that, stopping child trafficking.
01:30:35.000 Look at him. 1.00
01:30:36.000 He's a fucking sheriff, dude. 1.00
01:30:37.000 I'm a sheriff. 1.00
01:30:39.000 I'm sure you are.
01:30:40.000 I am.
01:30:40.000 But he's like a real one.
01:30:41.000 No, I've got a badge.
01:30:42.000 Oh, he's a sheriff's deputy.
01:30:43.000 Look at the size of him. 1.00
01:30:46.000 Goddamn. 1.00
01:30:46.000 He's so big! 1.00
01:30:48.000 That's so crazy!
01:30:49.000 That's a full-grown man standing next to him.
01:30:51.000 Yeah, that guy's probably taller than me.
01:30:53.000 Bro, look at how big he is, towering over that Jeep!
01:30:56.000 It's insane.
01:30:57.000 He's huge.
01:30:58.000 But he's like a legit deputy.
01:31:00.000 And he's a serious martial artist, too.
01:31:02.000 There was one point in time, they were talking about him having a martial arts fight against Jose Canseco.
01:31:08.000 I believe it was.
01:31:09.000 I hope I'm not wrong about that.
01:31:11.000 But he's done, like, legit law enforcement work.
01:31:15.000 Yeah, Shaq works to stop internet pedophiles.
01:31:18.000 See, it's real.
01:31:19.000 He's a trained reserve officer with Bedford County Sheriff's Office in Virginia, working on a task force aimed at busting internet pedophiles.
01:31:26.000 And so he was doing that while he was Shaq. 0.98
01:31:30.000 Like, while he was famous.
01:31:32.000 Like, he was...
01:31:33.000 Like, this is recent.
01:31:35.000 Wow.
01:31:36.000 I had no idea.
01:31:37.000 Super unusual guy.
01:31:38.000 And there's videos of him doing martial arts.
01:31:40.000 It's hilarious because, like, he can't really find anyone that's his size to train with.
01:31:45.000 Right.
01:31:45.000 But there's videos of him, like, hitting pads and stuff, and he's clearly taking it very seriously.
01:31:50.000 He trains hard. 0.98
01:31:51.000 He's fucking good. 0.99
01:31:53.000 And he's obviously a super athlete, so you could teach a guy like that how to throw punches and knees and kicks and shit. 0.99
01:31:58.000 See if you can find some... 0.99
01:31:59.000 Can you imagine getting in a fight with someone that fucking big? 1.00
01:32:05.000 Look how big he is. 1.00
01:32:07.000 It's so big.
01:32:09.000 So he's doing this all, you know, like, it's not like he did it as a child.
01:32:14.000 This is all stuff he's learning now as an adult.
01:32:18.000 He's a pretty wild dude. 0.99
01:32:19.000 He's doing jujitsu, doing leg locks and shit, sweeping people. 0.99
01:32:24.000 Oh, that's Francis Ngannou and him. 0.97
01:32:26.000 That might be one of the only guys that can pick him up.
01:32:28.000 But look how big he is compared to Francis Ngannou.
01:32:30.000 Francis Ngannou is the UFC heavyweight champion. 0.99
01:32:32.000 He's fucking huge. 0.96
01:32:34.000 Francis is 265 pounds, 6'3 or 4", and Shaq is towering over him. 0.99
01:32:41.000 That's how big that guy is.
01:32:42.000 I think he's like 7'2", right?
01:32:44.000 Yeah, he wouldn't even be able to fight in the UFC. He's too big, which is crazy.
01:32:48.000 They do have a top-end size? 0.99
01:32:49.000 Yeah, they have a fucking 265-pound weight limit. 0.98
01:32:53.000 Heavyweight is 265, which is so weird. 0.98
01:32:55.000 Because in boxing, it's not.
01:32:57.000 In boxing, like, there's a guy named, I believe his name is Valuev.
01:33:01.000 He fought Evander Holyfield.
01:33:04.000 See if you can find that fight.
01:33:05.000 It's a crazy fight to watch.
01:33:07.000 Because Evander Holyfield is, like, a fairly small heavyweight.
01:33:10.000 Like, he was in his prime.
01:33:11.000 He was, like, 220-ish.
01:33:13.000 Right.
01:33:14.000 And this guy he fought is, like, 300 pounds.
01:33:16.000 He's seven feet tall. 1.00
01:33:17.000 He's a giant fucking dude. 1.00
01:33:19.000 Look at this. 1.00
01:33:20.000 Look at the size difference.
01:33:21.000 Oh, wow.
01:33:22.000 Yeah.
01:33:23.000 How do you say his name?
01:33:24.000 I think that it's Valuev.
01:33:26.000 And he was, I think he was seven feet.
01:33:29.000 But it's weird to watch the two of them box.
01:33:31.000 Because Holyfield is, you know, he's former heavyweight champ of the world.
01:33:35.000 The guy who knocked out Mike Tyson.
01:33:36.000 And look at the size of him compared to this dude.
01:33:38.000 This dude's so big.
01:33:40.000 Who won?
01:33:41.000 I think Valuwev won, if I remember correctly, but I believe people thought it was a bad decision.
01:33:48.000 I don't remember it much, but the size is different.
01:33:52.000 That's crazy.
01:33:53.000 So different.
01:33:54.000 Has he got his hands up at the end?
01:33:56.000 Yeah.
01:33:56.000 Did it say he won?
01:33:58.000 Didn't really raise it, but...
01:34:00.000 Well, is that all the way to the very end?
01:34:03.000 Yeah.
01:34:04.000 Yeah.
01:34:05.000 I don't know.
01:34:06.000 See if you can find it online.
01:34:08.000 This is the end of the fight.
01:34:09.000 I mean, the Wikipedia doesn't say that he won that fight.
01:34:13.000 But anyway, that guy is so much bigger.
01:34:17.000 I don't know what my point was.
01:34:18.000 They used to do a lot of those fights in Japan.
01:34:20.000 One of the wildest things about Japan is they would have a giant fight a tiny person. 1.00
01:34:25.000 They don't give a fuck. 0.99
01:34:26.000 They have this... 0.99
01:34:28.000 What was it?
01:34:29.000 We smoked.
01:34:30.000 It was good weed.
01:34:31.000 God, I have...
01:34:32.000 It's real weed. 0.99
01:34:33.000 So fucking lit. 0.99
01:34:35.000 Scroll up there. 0.99
01:34:36.000 It says it was largely uneventful.
01:34:37.000 Someone says that Holyfield could have won all 12 rounds even though value have claimed at least seven to take the fight.
01:34:44.000 Okay, so value have won...
01:34:46.000 Here's the scoring right here at the end of this.
01:34:47.000 Where is it?
01:34:49.000 Oh, okay.
01:34:49.000 115 to 114. 116 to 112. Wow.
01:34:53.000 Tied 114, 114. So he won the majority decision.
01:34:57.000 Mm-hmm.
01:34:57.000 Yeah.
01:34:58.000 Yeah, most people thought that Holyfield won, if I remember correctly.
01:35:02.000 But it wasn't, yeah, it wasn't the best fight in the world.
01:35:04.000 It's hard to fight a dude that big. 0.98
01:35:05.000 It's ridiculous. 0.96
01:35:06.000 He's so much bigger than him. 0.82
01:35:07.000 Is that a title fight?
01:35:09.000 In Japan, they have the craziest matchups.
01:35:13.000 And they used to have this guy named Bob Sapp. 0.96
01:35:14.000 And Bob Sapp was so fucking big. 0.98
01:35:18.000 He was 350 pounds with abs. 0.98
01:35:21.000 I mean, like, you couldn't believe how big he was.
01:35:23.000 It didn't even make any sense.
01:35:25.000 And he fought this guy named Minotauro Nogueira.
01:35:28.000 Minotauro Nogueira is, like, one of the legends of the sport.
01:35:32.000 And he's a normal-sized heavyweight.
01:35:34.000 He's probably 240-ish, which is about normal.
01:35:37.000 And he and this guy have this fight, and it is the craziest thing you've ever seen in your life.
01:35:43.000 It's just unbelievable brute force and power against the most skilled guy in the world.
01:35:49.000 And he gets pile-drived.
01:35:50.000 This is the beginning of the fight.
01:35:51.000 Look at this.
01:35:52.000 This is a... 1.00
01:35:53.000 Look how he drops him on his fucking head and neck. 1.00
01:35:56.000 And that fucked his head and neck up, I think, for the rest of his life. 1.00
01:35:59.000 Like, it's probably still fucked up. 1.00
01:36:00.000 Look how bad this is. 0.99
01:36:01.000 Watch this.
01:36:02.000 Boom! 0.99
01:36:03.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:36:04.000 I mean, literally drops him down on his fucking head like a movie. 1.00
01:36:08.000 It's crazy. 1.00
01:36:09.000 Like, that move isn't even legal in the UFC. I don't think you're allowed to spike people in the UFC. But this is the end of the fight.
01:36:17.000 The end of the fight, I mean, the fight kept going because Minotauro at the time was the toughest man on earth and is one of the toughest guys that's ever lived.
01:36:26.000 Like this guy that's on the bottom is known for being unbelievably tough, but also like a wizard off of his back, which is a really rare thing for heavyweights.
01:36:37.000 So he was triangling people and armbarring people. 0.69
01:36:40.000 You can only do it at an elite level, as good as Nogueira was in these Pride days. 0.99
01:36:45.000 You can only do it like this for so long, because the body just takes so much of a toll.
01:36:49.000 But he was absolutely one of the greatest of all time.
01:36:53.000 And Minotauro submitted Bob Sapp.
01:36:56.000 People think of Minotauro sometimes, unfortunately, now, based on his later fights, when he was older and kind of beat up.
01:37:03.000 Because he'd been through all these wars, but even then he was still a warrior.
01:37:06.000 But these fights, when he was the man, when he was at the peak of his powers, this was an incredible man.
01:37:12.000 This is him armbar and Bob Sapp.
01:37:14.000 Bob Sapp was so much bigger than him.
01:37:16.000 Like a solid hundred plus pounds bigger than him.
01:37:20.000 And he armbarred him.
01:37:22.000 And after getting slammed on his head.
01:37:25.000 And, you know, he did that for years.
01:37:27.000 And then, you know, eventually he made his way to the UFC. And he's one of the elite guys.
01:37:33.000 One of the elite guys that's ever lived.
01:37:34.000 But the fact that that can happen.
01:37:36.000 That's Japan. 1.00
01:37:36.000 Japan does that kind of shit. 1.00
01:37:37.000 What happened this weekend? 1.00
01:37:39.000 This weekend was wild.
01:37:40.000 It was the UFC welterweight title.
01:37:44.000 Kamaru Usman who's arguably There's a real argument that he's the best pound-for-pound fighter on earth.
01:37:52.000 He's one of the greatest welterweight champions of all time He only has one fight in his career ever that he lost.
01:37:58.000 It was the second pro fight.
01:37:59.000 He's gone on this unprecedented winning streak and just dominated everyone Except Colby Covington. 0.94
01:38:08.000 Colby Covington, the guy who fought this weekend, this weekend was fucking close.
01:38:12.000 It was a close fight. 0.57
01:38:14.000 But Kamaru dropped him and had him hurt and landed the bigger shots and won the decision.
01:38:19.000 And it was a good decision.
01:38:22.000 But the fact that Kobe can push him to a decision where it's like, ooh, that was a close decision.
01:38:28.000 He's the only one that can do that.
01:38:30.000 Everybody else, Camaro smashes.
01:38:32.000 He smashes everybody. 0.67
01:38:34.000 He smashes everybody.
01:38:35.000 That guy still fight?
01:38:36.000 The big guy?
01:38:37.000 I believe he's retired.
01:38:39.000 Oh, Bob Sapp, I think he might have a few fights still every now and again.
01:38:42.000 You know, he does it in like smaller organizations.
01:38:45.000 But he actually was super successful in kickboxing.
01:38:48.000 He beat one of the greatest kickboxers of all time, Ernesto Hust.
01:38:52.000 I believe he beat him twice.
01:38:53.000 They're crazy fights to watch because in those fights, Sapp gets hurt.
01:38:58.000 Like Ernesto Hust is an assassin and Ernesto hurts him.
01:39:02.000 And then Bob Sapp eventually comes back and wins.
01:39:05.000 But the one guy who was a kickboxer, Who really fucked him up was this guy Mirko Krokop. 0.98
01:39:12.000 Mirko Krokop was another guy who was one of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet during those Pride days. 0.94
01:39:18.000 And he's a guy who fought Bob Sapp and knocked Bob Sapp out. 0.98
01:39:23.000 He actually broke his eyeball with a punch.
01:39:25.000 He broke his orbital.
01:39:27.000 With one punch.
01:39:28.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:39:29.000 How do you know all this shit? 1.00
01:39:32.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
01:39:33.000 I wouldn't want to spend five seconds inside of your brain, dude. 0.73
01:39:36.000 There's so much going on in there. 1.00
01:39:39.000 That's fucking crazy. 1.00
01:39:41.000 Crazy. 1.00
01:39:42.000 Yeah.
01:39:43.000 Volumes.
01:39:45.000 It's odd.
01:39:46.000 It's definitely odd.
01:39:49.000 But I mean, I'm amazed by special performances, you know?
01:39:53.000 People who can do special things.
01:39:54.000 The Olympics makes me cry.
01:39:56.000 Yeah.
01:39:56.000 It should make you cry.
01:39:58.000 It does.
01:39:58.000 It brings tears to my eyes when somebody does something really, really exceptional.
01:40:04.000 Did you ever see that movie, Vision Quest?
01:40:05.000 No.
01:40:06.000 It's a Matthew Modine movie about a wrestler.
01:40:09.000 A high school wrestler.
01:40:12.000 He's a really smart bookworm, but he's really driven to beat this one guy who they think is the greatest wrestler in the state.
01:40:23.000 And this one guy who walks up these stadium stairs with a log on his back.
01:40:28.000 Everybody's terrified of him.
01:40:30.000 And this guy, he's working as like a waiter.
01:40:33.000 And he's talking to this guy and they're having this conversation about why sports are important.
01:40:38.000 And he tells a story about a soccer player.
01:40:41.000 And this soccer player, see if he can find that.
01:40:45.000 It's an inspirational thing and I don't want to fuck it up.
01:40:48.000 But what he was essentially saying is that when this guy performed well and scored and won the game, it lifted everybody up.
01:40:57.000 All the people who are fans, there was this moment.
01:41:00.000 The way he described it was so eloquent because I was thinking about it and I never really thought about it that way.
01:41:05.000 But when someone does something like that, like a crazy physical performance, you know how dedicated they had to be to do something.
01:41:11.000 That is so epic. 0.99
01:41:13.000 Whether it's Michael Phelps or whoever the fuck it is. 0.98
01:41:17.000 Someone that wins you. 0.98
01:41:18.000 Was that girl gymnast named Simone Biles?
01:41:21.000 You ever see her?
01:41:23.000 Yeah.
01:41:23.000 They have to change rules.
01:41:24.000 She's so good.
01:41:25.000 They tried to change rules because she's scoring too much. 1.00
01:41:29.000 She's insane. 0.98
01:41:31.000 When you watch someone do something like that, you know you're looking at insane dedication.
01:41:37.000 Right.
01:41:38.000 I get it.
01:41:38.000 Insane.
01:41:39.000 Insane dedication.
01:41:40.000 And this guy is talking about the soccer player and about how, even maybe just for a little while, that one moment, what that guy did was so amazing and so impressive and when he scored, it elevated everybody.
01:41:54.000 They all felt it.
01:41:55.000 I thought about it differently from then on.
01:41:58.000 But it's true in anything, you know, that at the top level, It takes so much, even in golf, that it doesn't matter how bad you want to do what that guy does, you can't do it for any reason,
01:42:17.000 no matter what you put into it, because you don't have the desire, I guess.
01:42:22.000 Is it desire?
01:42:23.000 Is it gift?
01:42:26.000 What is it that makes somebody go that far?
01:42:28.000 It has to be desire.
01:42:30.000 It has to be a physical gift.
01:42:32.000 It's all those things.
01:42:33.000 To be a guy like a Michael Jordan or Kamaru Usman or any elite athlete, you have to have all those things.
01:42:41.000 You have to be 100% driven.
01:42:44.000 This is it?
01:42:45.000 I found there's a lot of websites saying this is a good speech from a sports movie, so I can't imagine there's a different one.
01:42:51.000 Yeah, scooch it ahead a little bit.
01:42:54.000 Night off.
01:42:55.000 Yeah, this is it.
01:42:56.000 I thought you were sick or something. 0.99
01:42:59.000 Of course I took a night off, dummy. 0.96
01:43:02.000 Is this the night you wrestle a shoot? 0.82
01:43:06.000 You took the night off for that?
01:43:08.000 Yeah.
01:43:09.000 Shaved, got a haircut and everything.
01:43:10.000 This is the guy you worked with at this hotel.
01:43:12.000 You never took a night off to see me wrestle before?
01:43:15.000 I'm gonna dock you for that.
01:43:18.000 Hey kid, money ain't everything.
01:43:23.000 It's not that big a deal, Elmo.
01:43:24.000 I mean, it's six lousy minutes on the mat, it's that.
01:43:29.000 You ever hear of Pele?
01:43:31.000 What's about Pele? 0.55
01:43:33.000 He's a soccer player.
01:43:35.000 Very famous soccer player.
01:43:38.000 There's a room here one day.
01:43:41.000 I'm watching a Mexican channel on TV. I don't know nothing about Pele.
01:43:50.000 I'm watching what this guy can do with a ball on his feet.
01:43:55.000 Next thing I know, he jumps up in the air and flips into a somersault.
01:44:01.000 Kicks the ball in, upside down and backwards. 1.00
01:44:05.000 The goddamn goalie never knew what the fuck hit him. 1.00
01:44:11.000 Pele gets excited and he rips off his jersey and starts running around the stadium waving it around over his head. 1.00
01:44:19.000 Everybody's screaming in Spanish.
01:44:25.000 I'm here sitting alone in my room.
01:44:29.000 I start crying.
01:44:33.000 Yeah, that's right.
01:44:33.000 I start crying.
01:44:38.000 There's another human being, a species which I happen to belong to.
01:44:43.000 Kick a ball.
01:44:47.000 Lift himself.
01:44:51.000 The rest of us sat there as human beings up to a better place to be if only for a minute. 0.94
01:45:00.000 Let me tell you, kid, it was pretty goddamn glorious.
01:45:05.000 It ain't the six minutes. 0.95
01:45:09.000 It's what happens in that six minutes.
01:45:16.000 Anyway, that's why I'm getting dressed up and giving up a night's pay for this function. 0.99
01:45:27.000 It's a good fucking movie, Ron White. 0.99
01:45:29.000 You want to get fired up? 1.00
01:45:31.000 You want to work out hard? 1.00
01:45:32.000 It's a good fucking movie. 1.00
01:45:34.000 It's a good fucking movie. 1.00
01:45:36.000 It's a movie that people forgot. 1.00
01:45:38.000 Yeah, because I'm not too fucked up to watch a movie. 0.99
01:45:40.000 Right. 0.99
01:45:43.000 That's like if you talk to wrestlers, that's like their Rocky movie.
01:45:48.000 It's an amazing movie.
01:45:50.000 I gotta watch it.
01:45:50.000 I gotta watch it.
01:45:51.000 It's really good.
01:45:51.000 It's really good even if you don't like wrestling.
01:45:54.000 It doesn't matter.
01:45:55.000 It's a great movie.
01:45:56.000 But if you're a wrestler or if you're a person who does any kind of martial arts or something, some sort of solitary pursuit where you have to push yourself, it's an amazing movie.
01:46:04.000 I do not.
01:46:06.000 I do not.
01:46:07.000 Except I play golf.
01:46:10.000 But you were saying to get to an elite level.
01:46:13.000 Yeah, so I've not done that.
01:46:16.000 But you know what?
01:46:17.000 I know guys that are so good that play college golf.
01:46:20.000 One of my best friends, a plus four.
01:46:22.000 He plays the back tees a thousand yards behind me.
01:46:25.000 He can beat me anytime he wants to, no matter how many strokes he gives me.
01:46:31.000 But he cannot make money.
01:46:34.000 As bad as he wants it, as good as he is, college golf, all that stuff, one stroke, a little bit, just whatever it is.
01:46:42.000 And nobody wants it more, nobody's tried harder.
01:46:44.000 Isn't it crazy that it's that close?
01:46:47.000 The difference between a pro and a real elite PGA Tour winner?
01:46:51.000 So that's why I play it.
01:46:54.000 It's not that hard on your body.
01:46:57.000 And it's just really...
01:46:59.000 It's like a bow hunt or really more like a slingshot because the movement in that club head and the inertia and the rotation and all those things have to be perfect and it's hard to do.
01:47:12.000 And it doesn't matter really how strong you are or whatever.
01:47:18.000 It's just like keeping a...
01:47:20.000 A weight on a string, you know, except for you got a stiff shaft, but it's got to be that same motion that keeps that item away from your hand when it's on a string. 0.95
01:47:29.000 So, and then to learn how to aim it and then learn how to, you know, it's just, it's really like hunting a lot in that it's something that you fire and then you aim at and see if you, only it's really fucking hard. 0.84
01:47:44.000 It's fun to do it.
01:47:46.000 I just started doing it.
01:47:47.000 I mean, I did it when I was a kid, but I was one of those comics that killed the day playing golf while comics like you were out making a billion dollars of plans to rule the world.
01:47:57.000 When I was in Boston, I noticed that a lot of the guys that got really into golf, their ambition for comedy suffered.
01:48:05.000 Because they just really wanted to play golf.
01:48:07.000 Yeah.
01:48:07.000 A lot of these guys just wanted to play golf all the time.
01:48:09.000 That's where their favorite thing to do was.
01:48:11.000 And they would go out with their buddies during the day, play golf and drink.
01:48:14.000 I'm one of those guys.
01:48:15.000 I am.
01:48:16.000 But the thing is, there was only that and comedy.
01:48:20.000 So I could do those two things.
01:48:23.000 I eliminated anything else.
01:48:25.000 I had the same thing.
01:48:25.000 Mine was pool.
01:48:27.000 Right.
01:48:27.000 I know.
01:48:28.000 But I've never played.
01:48:29.000 I had a pool table in my house when I was a kid.
01:48:32.000 But knowing how addicted I got to pool is why I keep away from golf.
01:48:35.000 Because I see guys like you.
01:48:36.000 I see guys like Jamie.
01:48:37.000 It's a waste of time and money.
01:48:40.000 That's for sure.
01:48:41.000 When people tell me I'm thinking about getting into golf, I'm like, don't do it.
01:48:43.000 Because it is frustrating.
01:48:45.000 It's impossible.
01:48:47.000 You can't do it.
01:48:49.000 And it takes a lot of time.
01:48:51.000 So...
01:48:52.000 But it's beautiful outside.
01:48:54.000 Wow, that's crazy.
01:48:57.000 And I think that's why that I watch...
01:49:04.000 Almost nothing.
01:49:05.000 If there's a good fight on and I happen to be not working on a Saturday night, I love to watch fights.
01:49:12.000 But I watch golf because I play that game and I know how hard it is and I appreciate what it is that they're doing.
01:49:24.000 Yeah.
01:49:27.000 Yeah.
01:49:30.000 Yeah.
01:49:42.000 How hard it would be to even move me to a level that's still miles behind that.
01:49:48.000 You've got to dedicate four hours or six hours a week just to shave two strokes off your game.
01:49:54.000 Whatever.
01:49:55.000 So that's why I play golf. 0.98
01:49:58.000 I think it is challenging, but it doesn't beat the shit out of me. 0.96
01:50:03.000 And I can do it, but I've got to stay limber. 0.94
01:50:07.000 I've got to stretch.
01:50:08.000 I've got to...
01:50:10.000 So it's good.
01:50:12.000 I should do more, but I don't.
01:50:14.000 It's exercise.
01:50:15.000 It is.
01:50:16.000 You're out there walking around, you're doing things with your body, you're swinging your sticks.
01:50:21.000 Getting in and out of a golf cart.
01:50:24.000 But it is something.
01:50:25.000 It's something.
01:50:25.000 It's better than sitting on the couch.
01:50:27.000 Yeah, it is.
01:50:28.000 And you are engaging your mind, right?
01:50:30.000 Because you're trying to figure out how to do it right, and you're trying to time your body and move it.
01:50:35.000 It's very engaging, and you're trying to solve problems.
01:50:42.000 And every time you do something, you haven't done it exactly before, because it's always now there's a tree over there, but it's 156, the wind's coming from here, you got a little ball, you want to hit it that way, the green's up, elevated, so you're shooting uphill, you know, it's a lot of information to process.
01:50:58.000 And then you make a decision on which one of these things it takes to do that, and you get it out and give it a try, you know, and then go find it and do it again.
01:51:06.000 It's very clear that it's a hugely addictive game.
01:51:09.000 Yeah, it really is.
01:51:10.000 Really is.
01:51:11.000 Very clear.
01:51:12.000 Yeah, Tony's strung out on it.
01:51:13.000 Tony's on the golf course right now.
01:51:15.000 He told me, he said, 11.45, we're playing with another buddy of mine.
01:51:20.000 And he's only been doing it for, like, how many months?
01:51:23.000 Six months or something?
01:51:24.000 Yeah, just since he came here.
01:51:26.000 I'd say a year now.
01:51:28.000 He's really good?
01:51:29.000 You know, he's like anybody else.
01:51:31.000 I mean, I say for a year.
01:51:34.000 He asked him if he's good, and he answered with, oh, you know?
01:51:36.000 I know that for how long he's been doing it, you know, that he's doing, I think he's doing really well with it.
01:51:45.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:51:46.000 And then some days you can play like shit no matter who you are. 1.00
01:51:50.000 And so when he plays like shit, it really looks bad. 1.00
01:51:54.000 But he does put in some good scorecards every once in a while. 1.00
01:51:58.000 What's a good scorecard?
01:52:00.000 What's a score?
01:52:01.000 You know, I shoot in the mid to low 80s.
01:52:06.000 Is that good, Jamie?
01:52:07.000 Yeah, well, that's very good.
01:52:08.000 And I play hard golf courses.
01:52:10.000 And I just played Wingfoot, where they had the U.S. Open this year. 0.99
01:52:16.000 I spent a couple days at a fucking storybook place. 0.99
01:52:20.000 What's a scratch golfer? 0.99
01:52:22.000 That's somebody that shoots even par, so that's 72. That's better.
01:52:26.000 Right, but I play from about 6,000 yards.
01:52:30.000 So that's not...
01:52:31.000 For a guy my age, that's about where you should play from.
01:52:36.000 But the back tees, the young guys that really play, play from 7,000-plus yards.
01:52:44.000 But it all equals out, because there's just no way that you can generate that much clubhead speed I can't at my age.
01:52:52.000 So to have fun and still have a chance at other scoring shots and putting and all that stuff, I can still do.
01:52:59.000 So you just play, move it on up a little bit.
01:53:01.000 A lot of times people will play from back there who shouldn't be back there.
01:53:04.000 I'm like, come on, man.
01:53:05.000 It's fun up here.
01:53:06.000 Right, right, right.
01:53:08.000 Swallow your pride.
01:53:09.000 Yeah, that makes sense.
01:53:11.000 Yeah, they have handicap systems in pool too, but they're all super complicated.
01:53:16.000 It's like, you know, mostly just label people an A player, a B player, or, you know, a shortstop.
01:53:23.000 Like a B player is a shortstop.
01:53:24.000 That's what they call them.
01:53:26.000 Like someone who's like a decent player, but they're not like a real, they can't win a tournament.
01:53:29.000 So what were you when you were playing?
01:53:30.000 I was a B player.
01:53:31.000 A B player?
01:53:31.000 A B player.
01:53:32.000 I never was for A player.
01:53:34.000 And you're still good?
01:53:35.000 Yeah, I'm okay.
01:53:36.000 I run out like one every 20 racks.
01:53:39.000 Yeah.
01:53:40.000 I don't play enough.
01:53:41.000 I played a lot when I was a kid.
01:53:42.000 You have to play every day to play good pool.
01:53:44.000 I pick it up every once in a while and I'm like, Jesus Christ.
01:53:47.000 I have a good buddy of mine, Tommy Jr., who lives in Connecticut.
01:53:51.000 And every time I go to see him, like every time I'm in the East Coast, he and I get together and we play pool the night before.
01:53:57.000 Like I have a show or, you know, a UFC or something like that.
01:54:00.000 We play a lot of pool.
01:54:02.000 He's really good. 0.99
01:54:03.000 We've been playing together for fucking 30 years. 0.98
01:54:07.000 Close to it. 0.98
01:54:08.000 Cool.
01:54:09.000 27 years.
01:54:11.000 But it's like golf in that it's super, super addictive.
01:54:14.000 It's not like golf and then it's a much more controlled surface.
01:54:17.000 It seems like golf is extra crazy.
01:54:19.000 Yeah, yeah, it is.
01:54:21.000 It is because it's an uneven surface.
01:54:23.000 Every course is different.
01:54:25.000 It's a different piece of land and it's really beautiful.
01:54:28.000 And it's really great to spend that time outside.
01:54:32.000 What do you do when it rains?
01:54:34.000 You play in the rain, you know, and it's just lightning.
01:54:37.000 You don't want to be around it in lightning, but you play in the rain.
01:54:41.000 Yeah, I would imagine holding a metal stick.
01:54:43.000 Wasn't that in Caddyshack?
01:54:44.000 That's a real bad idea.
01:54:45.000 Yeah, you get hit by that.
01:54:47.000 How many golfers are addicted and they don't want to get off the course and they've got their metal sticks?
01:54:51.000 That's just Caddyshacked. 0.99
01:54:52.000 I think everybody's learned the lesson.
01:54:55.000 I think some of them, like Trevino's been hit like three times.
01:54:58.000 Really?
01:54:59.000 Yeah.
01:54:59.000 How many golfers get eaten by alligators every year?
01:55:02.000 Three.
01:55:03.000 Three?
01:55:03.000 Three.
01:55:04.000 Is it really?
01:55:05.000 It's amazing it doesn't make the news.
01:55:07.000 Nobody ever does.
01:55:08.000 Nobody ever?
01:55:09.000 Nobody ever gets eaten by an alligator in golf.
01:55:12.000 Nobody.
01:55:12.000 That seems odd.
01:55:14.000 You can look it up.
01:55:15.000 Any alligator golf incidents.
01:55:18.000 I saw this one alligator moving across a Florida golf course.
01:55:21.000 It had to be 15 feet long. 0.99
01:55:23.000 It was fucking huge. 0.99
01:55:24.000 I didn't see it personally. 0.99
01:55:25.000 I saw it in a video.
01:55:26.000 But it's like, look at this.
01:55:27.000 This is it. 1.00
01:55:28.000 This is a goddamn dinosaur. 1.00
01:55:30.000 Look at the size of that thing. 1.00
01:55:32.000 Look how big it is.
01:55:33.000 Yeah, he looks like he's looking for a golfer, but I don't think he finds one. 0.99
01:55:37.000 Look at the fucking size of that dinosaur that's just wandering around where people play golf. 0.98
01:55:42.000 What do you think he is, 15 feet? 0.99
01:55:44.000 I don't know.
01:55:44.000 I mean, I'm just guessing because I'm looking at a video.
01:55:47.000 There's nothing to put into perspective, but whatever it is, he's huge.
01:55:51.000 How big do you think he is, Jamie?
01:55:55.000 Buffalo, I feel like they've...
01:55:56.000 How many are this size?
01:55:58.000 Because there's either one and we always see it, or there's multiple.
01:56:01.000 No, there's multiple.
01:56:02.000 There's another video that's real similar to this one.
01:56:05.000 Like a tank.
01:56:06.000 So big.
01:56:07.000 It's so big, and folks in Florida just live amongst them.
01:56:11.000 I lived there when I was a kid.
01:56:12.000 This one says it's only 12 foot.
01:56:14.000 Oh, Jesus Christ! 1.00
01:56:16.000 Look at the size of that fucking dinosaur! 1.00
01:56:18.000 Where's he going? 1.00
01:56:19.000 Wherever he fucking wants. 0.99
01:56:21.000 Look at that deer over there. 1.00
01:56:23.000 Jesus Christ.
01:56:25.000 That would have been an ugly video.
01:56:27.000 Oh my God.
01:56:28.000 Just turn around and see that deer.
01:56:30.000 Yeah.
01:56:30.000 They're staring at you, dude.
01:56:32.000 I mean, you know how much that thing must need to eat?
01:56:35.000 That's what's crazy.
01:56:36.000 It's a dinosaur.
01:56:37.000 It's a predator.
01:56:38.000 And it wanders around golf courses.
01:56:40.000 It's a giant predator.
01:56:42.000 And all it does is eat meat.
01:56:44.000 That thing doesn't need any grass. 0.98
01:56:45.000 I think...
01:56:47.000 I mean, there's certainly...
01:56:49.000 When I play golf in Florida, you see them all the time.
01:56:52.000 I mean, you see them every time. 1.00
01:56:53.000 Look at this shit, though. 1.00
01:56:53.000 This is so crazy that these ladies are playing golf. 1.00
01:56:56.000 And there's giant dinosaurs.
01:56:58.000 Alligators. 1.00
01:56:59.000 Fucking wars. 1.00
01:57:00.000 I mean, they're fighting to the death right on this golf course. 1.00
01:57:05.000 I showed you that one course in Africa, right?
01:57:08.000 It's in the middle of the reserve.
01:57:12.000 No. 1.00
01:57:13.000 So you see lions and shit? 0.99
01:57:15.000 Yeah, they pulled up and they had to stop because there was a leopard or something that was climbing around the tee box. 0.99
01:57:21.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.99
01:57:22.000 What the fuck is wrong with people? 0.99
01:57:24.000 Well, I don't know. 0.99
01:57:25.000 But the relationship between people and alligators in Florida is so strange.
01:57:29.000 They don't seem to mind it.
01:57:31.000 And now they get, you know, they ate that kid at Disney World.
01:57:34.000 That was a...
01:57:34.000 Yeah, they ate a baby.
01:57:35.000 Yeah.
01:57:36.000 That's like a two-year-old.
01:57:37.000 Yeah, so you get over that.
01:57:41.000 Imagine if they were werewolves.
01:57:43.000 Imagine if werewolves occasionally came out and would eat a baby at Disneyland. 1.00
01:57:47.000 People would be like, oh my god, we've got to kill all the werewolves. 0.98
01:57:50.000 These things have got to go. 1.00
01:57:51.000 If alligators came from outer space and occasionally they ate babies, we would want to kill them all. 1.00
01:57:56.000 If they were an invasive species, we'd kill them all. 1.00
01:57:58.000 We would hate them. 1.00
01:58:00.000 You know, you can't even sell...
01:58:02.000 I think alligator is one of the things that's now banned in California.
01:58:06.000 You can't sell alligator skin.
01:58:09.000 That's so arbitrary.
01:58:11.000 How come you can sell cow skin?
01:58:14.000 How can you sell sheep skin, but you can't sell alligator skin?
01:58:17.000 Why are you protecting these dinosaurs?
01:58:20.000 You can use its skin for clothing.
01:58:22.000 What is this?
01:58:23.000 Oh my god, it's hyenas!
01:58:24.000 Or wild dogs?
01:58:26.000 It looks like hyenas, but it doesn't say.
01:58:27.000 I think they're wild dogs.
01:58:28.000 I think I'm looking at their tails.
01:58:30.000 I think they're wild dogs. 1.00
01:58:33.000 Jesus Christ, a fucking leopard on the golf ball. 1.00
01:58:36.000 Wow. 1.00
01:58:37.000 Oh, leopards are super aggressive. 1.00
01:58:39.000 They will fuck you up. 1.00
01:58:40.000 Those are scary animals. 1.00
01:58:43.000 We're the scary animals, Joe.
01:58:45.000 Yeah, we're scary too, but those are scary as well.
01:58:47.000 It's like, look at them.
01:58:49.000 Yeah, ask that elephant. 1.00
01:58:50.000 Jesus Christ. 0.97
01:58:52.000 Can you imagine being, walking, and you stumble upon hyenas that are eating an elephant ass first, and you're like, oh my God, I'm dead.
01:58:59.000 What do you do?
01:59:00.000 I don't know.
01:59:01.000 You hope they like elephant.
01:59:03.000 You hope elephant is delicious and not rotten and old.
01:59:06.000 Right.
01:59:06.000 He looked fresh.
01:59:07.000 Yeah. 0.91
01:59:08.000 It's just weird that if there's certain animals, like, again, like alligators, that if they were from somewhere else and someone brought them here, we'd want to kill them all.
01:59:17.000 But because they're here already, we're like, oh, let them eat babies. 0.87
01:59:20.000 How many do they eat?
01:59:22.000 You know, that's the thing.
01:59:23.000 It's manageable. 0.99
01:59:24.000 If you just eat, let's say you take out one baby over five years, and then people aren't going to fucking bitch too much about it. 0.99
01:59:31.000 That's how vampires used to operate. 0.97
01:59:32.000 Do you think there really was vampires?
01:59:34.000 No.
01:59:35.000 No, I don't.
01:59:36.000 But if there was...
01:59:37.000 Yeah, they spread it around.
01:59:38.000 Yeah.
01:59:39.000 What is that novel that Neil Blomkamp taught us about vampires?
01:59:46.000 I was in the middle of it.
01:59:47.000 I've got to get back to it.
01:59:48.000 It's a novel about the future.
01:59:53.000 I've got it here.
01:59:55.000 I'll find it.
01:59:56.000 Here it is.
01:59:58.000 Blindsight by a guy named Peter Watts.
02:00:00.000 I've been listening to the...
02:00:01.000 And it's about an actual vampire.
02:00:04.000 It's about, like, in the future, in this science fiction movie, they re-engineer vampires.
02:00:10.000 And it turns out that, like, the whole myth of the vampire was actually a real thing.
02:00:15.000 They were, like, a species that...
02:00:17.000 That would attack and eat people, or would feed off people. 0.55
02:00:21.000 Right.
02:00:22.000 But they eventually died off, and they had some weird aversion to, like, right angles.
02:00:27.000 There's something about, like, so that's how they got through the crucifix idea?
02:00:31.000 Right. 0.87
02:00:31.000 The crucifix was like this right angle thing, and they did something that would fuck up their eyes. 0.87
02:00:35.000 What is that? 0.82
02:00:35.000 We were talking about alligators. 0.82
02:00:37.000 This video went sort of viral.
02:00:39.000 Did you see this?
02:00:40.000 You have to kind of watch it.
02:00:40.000 An alligator catches this guy swimming.
02:00:42.000 I did.
02:00:42.000 I think that's in Brazil.
02:00:45.000 Because I think I hear them say, Jacare, Jacare.
02:00:48.000 Look at that.
02:00:50.000 There's no sound on this one.
02:00:51.000 Yeah.
02:00:52.000 But he's like...
02:00:53.000 There's no sound on this?
02:00:55.000 I don't know why.
02:00:56.000 Oh.
02:00:56.000 Well, the sound's off.
02:00:57.000 I already did it.
02:00:59.000 That's not too easy.
02:01:01.000 Somebody probably copied it.
02:01:01.000 It got his arm, I think, right?
02:01:03.000 I think it bit him. 1.00
02:01:05.000 Fuck, man. 1.00
02:01:07.000 Do you see that? 1.00
02:01:08.000 No, but the thing that was crazy is how fast it catches him.
02:01:14.000 Bites his back.
02:01:15.000 Jesus. 1.00
02:01:16.000 The fuck, man. 1.00
02:01:17.000 And it gave up. 1.00
02:01:19.000 Yeah, they're not that smart, but they're weird. 1.00
02:01:22.000 They're like a lazier crocodile. 0.89
02:01:25.000 Like if we had crocodiles like we have alligators, we'd have a real problem. 0.89
02:01:28.000 I thought you were talking about vampires.
02:01:30.000 I want to hear about this book.
02:01:32.000 The vampire book, it's real weird because they have like this insanely high IQ and they hunted people, essentially.
02:01:39.000 They fed off people.
02:01:40.000 And the idea is that they eventually either hunted down or died off.
02:01:44.000 I forget the premise.
02:01:45.000 I haven't gotten fully through it.
02:01:46.000 I'm going by what Neil had told me about it.
02:01:48.000 But this idea was that somehow in the future they brought them back. 0.96
02:01:53.000 Like they're bringing back woolly mammoths and shit like that. 0.98
02:01:56.000 And they figured out vampires are real. 0.99
02:01:57.000 And this vampire leads this crew through space in this book.
02:02:03.000 In this adventure to meet some alien species.
02:02:07.000 It's very strange.
02:02:08.000 Very strange book.
02:02:09.000 Really intense.
02:02:10.000 But the idea of vampires comes up as like a thing that is to people like we are to other animals.
02:02:17.000 Like when we see, you know, when we're hunting, you see a deer, like people move slow and you figure out a way to outsmart it and you're way smarter than it and you get it.
02:02:26.000 Right.
02:02:26.000 This is the idea that we need something like that and that's what the vampire is.
02:02:30.000 I read Anne Rice because it made me horny.
02:02:33.000 Yeah, I did. 0.67
02:02:34.000 Did it make you horny? 0.89
02:02:35.000 Yeah.
02:02:36.000 What part?
02:02:36.000 I don't know.
02:02:37.000 I hope it wasn't all the gay stuff. 1.00
02:02:39.000 Yeah.
02:02:40.000 But, you know, in the movie, it was Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.
02:02:46.000 That's a movie where they did not like Tom Cruise in that role.
02:02:49.000 Like, the fans of the book were very upset. 0.99
02:02:52.000 But he fucking killed it. 0.99
02:02:54.000 I thought he did, too. 1.00
02:02:55.000 I thought both.
02:02:55.000 I thought it was good.
02:02:56.000 Yeah, no, it was great.
02:02:57.000 They knocked it out of the park.
02:02:58.000 But that was one of the ones where the people that liked the books were like, no, no, no, he can't be Lestat.
02:03:04.000 Lestat?
02:03:04.000 Yeah, I thought he could.
02:03:05.000 You know, I really did.
02:03:07.000 I thought it was a perfectly good choice.
02:03:09.000 He did it.
02:03:10.000 Cruz can hide in those roles.
02:03:12.000 He's such a good actor.
02:03:13.000 I don't hear a lot of people screaming respect his way.
02:03:19.000 No, he was really good in that movie.
02:03:22.000 Really good.
02:03:23.000 Who wouldn't make out with those two guys?
02:03:25.000 That's what I'm saying.
02:03:27.000 Look at them. 1.00
02:03:28.000 It was a great fucking movie. 1.00
02:03:29.000 It's like vampire movies. 1.00
02:03:31.000 There's something about the idea of a vampire.
02:03:33.000 The idea of something smarter than us that's hunting us.
02:03:36.000 Right.
02:03:37.000 The way we hunt other things.
02:03:38.000 I think that's it.
02:03:40.000 Wow.
02:03:40.000 I think that's it.
02:03:41.000 I wonder if that's more or less comforting than getting eaten by a crocodile.
02:03:46.000 I think getting eaten is the worst way to go, ever.
02:03:50.000 But getting eaten by a vampire?
02:03:53.000 Which worse?
02:03:54.000 If it was Brad Pitt, you know, or an alligator, I would just let Brad do whatever he wanted to to me.
02:04:03.000 But I don't want to be eaten slowly from the feet up.
02:04:06.000 Yeah.
02:04:06.000 Well, that's how alligators do it, right?
02:04:08.000 Have you ever seen that movie, 30 Days of Night?
02:04:10.000 No.
02:04:11.000 It's a movie about Alaska, and the vampires invade Alaska in a time where it never gets light out, so they can hunt for 30 days.
02:04:18.000 Oh, wow.
02:04:20.000 It's a different kind of vampire. 0.96
02:04:22.000 They're much creepier. 0.91
02:04:24.000 They're much more obvious that they're vampires.
02:04:26.000 There's a trailer for this.
02:04:27.000 What is this?
02:04:27.000 It's a new Marvel Morbius movie where Jared Leto plays basically a vampire.
02:04:33.000 Really?
02:04:33.000 Kind of a vampire.
02:04:34.000 Looks like a vampire.
02:04:35.000 When's that coming out?
02:04:36.000 2022. It's a character that actually was in the Blade movies from a long, long time ago.
02:04:41.000 Really?
02:04:41.000 He's barely in it.
02:04:42.000 I don't remember.
02:04:43.000 Yeah, I only remember because I bought these comics when I was a kid.
02:04:46.000 Was that like the second Blade movie or the third Blade movie or something like that?
02:04:50.000 I think it's actually the first one.
02:04:52.000 Really?
02:04:52.000 Like, 98, right?
02:04:53.000 The first one?
02:04:54.000 Mm-hmm, here.
02:04:59.000 Like, he's just in the background, though.
02:05:00.000 He's not a big character.
02:05:02.000 Oh.
02:05:02.000 But he is in that movie, sort of.
02:05:04.000 Really?
02:05:05.000 I don't remember him from the first movie.
02:05:08.000 He's a Dr. Michael Morbius, I believe was his name.
02:05:11.000 And it's in the first movie?
02:05:14.000 I haven't seen it in a while, but I did re-watch the opening scene.
02:05:18.000 The opening scene of Blade is one of the greatest scenes in any movie.
02:05:20.000 I haven't seen it. 1.00
02:05:21.000 You fucking the fuck, Ron White? 1.00
02:05:23.000 You've been touring so much. 1.00
02:05:25.000 I have.
02:05:26.000 I have.
02:05:27.000 And you know what?
02:05:28.000 It does cut down a little bit on your consumption of television because it takes time to get ready and go to the show and hang out and figure out where the next town is.
02:05:41.000 We drive at night, so my bus will pull up.
02:05:45.000 Wednesday night, and my crew will crawl on it, and my dog and Jeannie, and we'll head up to Arkansas, then over to Houston, and then back down to Austin.
02:06:00.000 And I've lived that life for so long, it doesn't even seem weird.
02:06:05.000 So, do you watch films on the bus ever?
02:06:08.000 You know what?
02:06:10.000 I gotta admit...
02:06:13.000 I watch the Golf Channel.
02:06:14.000 I mean, it's like always on the Golf Channel, but yeah.
02:06:18.000 Is that a DirecTV channel?
02:06:20.000 Yeah.
02:06:20.000 That's awesome.
02:06:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:06:23.000 But yeah, we're cruising down the road.
02:06:26.000 It's like being in your living room.
02:06:27.000 It's nice. 1.00
02:06:29.000 Isn't that funny that your fucking sport has a channel? 1.00
02:06:32.000 Has a whole channel. 1.00
02:06:33.000 Right, yeah.
02:06:33.000 You can't even find pool on TV. Right.
02:06:36.000 But golf has a whole channel.
02:06:37.000 You can find cornhole on ESPN. That's so weird.
02:06:40.000 I know.
02:06:42.000 What is that about?
02:06:43.000 I like ladder ball better.
02:06:44.000 It's a similar game.
02:06:45.000 I don't know what ladder ball is.
02:06:47.000 You've got two balls on a rope and then a thing that looks like a ladder and you throw it and it loops around and you get different points.
02:06:54.000 Have you heard of this?
02:06:56.000 I actually was introduced to it as hillbilly golf.
02:07:00.000 I don't know why it's called that.
02:07:02.000 You don't know why it's called Hillbilly Golf?
02:07:05.000 Oh, that's what they call it?
02:07:06.000 Ladderball?
02:07:07.000 Okay.
02:07:07.000 Well, there's another thing called Disc Golf.
02:07:09.000 You ever play that?
02:07:09.000 Yeah, Frisbee Golf.
02:07:11.000 You ever play that?
02:07:11.000 Yeah, it was all over Austin.
02:07:14.000 I mean, there's a lot of places to play in Austin.
02:07:15.000 Those people, they get addicted to that game, and they get mad when that game doesn't get its respect.
02:07:20.000 Yeah.
02:07:20.000 Because apparently it's a very hard game.
02:07:22.000 It is.
02:07:22.000 It is.
02:07:23.000 And I used to really, really...
02:07:25.000 That's Ladderball right there.
02:07:26.000 That's Ladderball?
02:07:27.000 I've never heard of it.
02:07:28.000 I don't know why it's called that.
02:07:29.000 Maybe because golf balls?
02:07:31.000 Yeah, they are kind of golf ball looking things.
02:07:33.000 So what are you supposed to do?
02:07:34.000 You're supposed to throw that thing and it stays?
02:07:36.000 It's like cornhole, you know, except for it's, I don't know, seems to be more fun to me than cornhole.
02:07:44.000 And neither one of them can be played around my French Bulldog because he will go get every one of them and tear them up.
02:07:51.000 That's funny.
02:07:54.000 Yeah, but Jeannie and I are pretty good and we're thinking about going pro.
02:07:57.000 She plays golf too, right?
02:07:59.000 Yeah, she does.
02:07:59.000 Yeah, she was telling me that she goes out with you and plays golf and I was like, oh, you're both addicted.
02:08:04.000 Right, no, it's fun.
02:08:07.000 That's how we're going to run out the clock, you know, and we've decided against the suicide retirement plan.
02:08:13.000 Golf yourself to death.
02:08:14.000 Golf ourselves to death.
02:08:16.000 Are you okay right now?
02:08:17.000 Is your health good?
02:08:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty good.
02:08:23.000 I really am, even though I've been saying this for 50 years, but I'm going to get with your guy, your doctor, and see if I can.
02:08:34.000 I'm going to get more physically fit.
02:08:37.000 I can do it.
02:08:40.000 I've done it before.
02:08:41.000 The key is if you could hire a trainer.
02:08:44.000 You hire someone that's good, that you can get along with, and then they'll put you through a workout a few times a week.
02:08:49.000 Yeah.
02:08:50.000 It's worth something.
02:08:51.000 Yeah.
02:08:51.000 It's good, because it forces you.
02:08:53.000 I'll probably find...
02:08:56.000 It works better if it's a really hot chick. 1.00
02:08:58.000 That'll help.
02:08:59.000 Because that'll help me go down there.
02:09:01.000 Right.
02:09:01.000 Get motivated to look good for her.
02:09:03.000 Yeah.
02:09:03.000 I think the thing is, with exercise, it's really about momentum for almost everybody.
02:09:09.000 Right.
02:09:09.000 Once you get started, you can keep going, and then you could really...
02:09:12.000 You see how much Laura Bites has lost? 0.98
02:09:16.000 No.
02:09:16.000 Do you know Laura Bites?
02:09:17.000 Very funny, up-and-coming comic.
02:09:19.000 Yeah.
02:09:19.000 She posted this on her Instagram page.
02:09:22.000 It's incredible.
02:09:23.000 She's gone with me on the road for a bunch of gigs, and she doesn't have any gluten.
02:09:27.000 She doesn't have any sugar.
02:09:29.000 She's, like, super strict.
02:09:30.000 She works out.
02:09:31.000 Every day she's supposed to work out.
02:09:33.000 Look how much weight she's lost during the pandemic. 1.00
02:09:36.000 It's incredible.
02:09:37.000 She's got a School of Thought t-shirt, which is hilarious.
02:09:41.000 She lost, I think, I mean, it was more than 40 pounds.
02:09:45.000 I don't know what she's at now, but it's pretty incredible.
02:09:50.000 Right.
02:09:50.000 That's all just momentum and discipline, and she's got it in her head.
02:09:55.000 This is what she's doing now.
02:09:57.000 She's going to get fit.
02:09:58.000 It was always murder for me to run.
02:10:00.000 When I was younger, I used to run, and I'd run an hour a day, and then one of my knees went ka-klonk, and I couldn't do that anymore.
02:10:09.000 But I really loved running.
02:10:12.000 And I could do it anytime, anywhere, just put on some shoes and go.
02:10:18.000 But anyway, I've got to do it.
02:10:20.000 I've got to get back.
02:10:20.000 I've got a little tear on my shoulder.
02:10:22.000 I've got to get fixed.
02:10:24.000 It'll be a whole new me six months from now.
02:10:27.000 You could do it.
02:10:28.000 I mean, you certainly can enhance your experience.
02:10:31.000 You'll have a better body to travel through life with.
02:10:34.000 And that's what I want to do.
02:10:36.000 I can see now that there are creeks, that's for sure.
02:10:40.000 Just people that come up with all sorts of reasons to not do it.
02:10:44.000 But the bottom line is...
02:10:46.000 If you want a body that works better, you should work out.
02:10:49.000 You really just should.
02:10:50.000 And you should lift some weights.
02:10:51.000 Lifting weights as you get older is one of the most important things.
02:10:54.000 If people ever ask me, what do you do when you get older, what's the most important thing?
02:10:58.000 You've got to lift weights.
02:10:59.000 You have to.
02:11:00.000 You should do some cardio for sure.
02:11:01.000 Don't get me wrong.
02:11:02.000 But if you don't lift weights, your body's going to deteriorate.
02:11:05.000 You've got to put your body under load.
02:11:07.000 It's got to be under pressure.
02:11:09.000 So that your muscles keep growing and they keep realizing they have to work.
02:11:12.000 And there's no way to do that artificially.
02:11:14.000 There's no way.
02:11:15.000 Come on, man.
02:11:15.000 I wish there was.
02:11:16.000 What about those plug-in things that jacks your muscles?
02:11:19.000 That doesn't work?
02:11:20.000 Those can help.
02:11:21.000 They can certainly help recovery.
02:11:23.000 They're really good for recovery.
02:11:24.000 And some people have devised exercises that they do while they're wearing those things.
02:11:29.000 So there's places where you go and they'll strap you up to stuff and then you exercise.
02:11:35.000 I think there's a lot of real good evidence that they do something good for recovery.
02:11:41.000 I haven't done those exercises where you get jolted, but people like them.
02:11:46.000 It's not possible to get to look like an athlete without working out.
02:11:58.000 I don't think...
02:11:59.000 No one's ever demonstrated that you could take a person who's like a doughboy and slap electrodes all over his body.
02:12:05.000 It never has to work.
02:12:06.000 It just gets jolted into looking jacked like Yoel Romero.
02:12:09.000 I don't think that can happen.
02:12:10.000 Right.
02:12:11.000 But it can help you.
02:12:14.000 Yeah, I'm just, you know, looking for the shortcut in life.
02:12:17.000 I get it.
02:12:19.000 I get it.
02:12:20.000 It's easy to do.
02:12:21.000 The path of least resistance.
02:12:23.000 Yeah.
02:12:25.000 Which is what comedy was for me.
02:12:27.000 It was the path of least resistance.
02:12:28.000 It's the only thing I seem to be any good at.
02:12:30.000 And it was also fun and easy.
02:12:32.000 I've figured out, just in my life, that the path of most resistance is the path of least resistance. 0.99
02:12:40.000 The path of most resistance is like difficult shit makes it easier for me. 0.99
02:12:46.000 So I do difficult shit so that regular life is easier. 0.99
02:12:50.000 So that's why I like sauna. 0.99
02:12:53.000 That's why I like going in the cold plunge.
02:12:56.000 That's why I like working out hard.
02:12:57.000 I like doing things that are really hard to do while I'm doing it.
02:13:01.000 Like, physically hard to do.
02:13:03.000 Like, you can't keep going.
02:13:04.000 So that when regular stuff comes up, it's like, that's not that bad. 0.97
02:13:08.000 It's not going to that fucking sauna on the 25th minute at 185 degrees. 0.71
02:13:13.000 It's not, you know, going through a brutal workout. 0.99
02:13:17.000 That's good for you?
02:13:18.000 Yeah.
02:13:18.000 Yeah, it's good for you.
02:13:19.000 The sauna, 185 degrees, 26 minutes.
02:13:21.000 That's a little extreme, but the sauna is 100% good for you.
02:13:25.000 It builds your body's ability to work with inflammation better.
02:13:30.000 It produces something called heat shock proteins.
02:13:33.000 They did this study out of Finland that we've quoted a hundred times.
02:13:36.000 I'm sorry, I have to quote it again if you've heard this before.
02:13:38.000 But they did a study where they studied a whole group of people with regular sauna users versus non-sauna users.
02:13:45.000 And the people that used the sauna, an average of four times a week over a period of, I think, like 20 years, they had a 40% decrease of all-cause mortality, 40% decrease of heart attacks, stroke, cancer, you name it.
02:14:00.000 Everything was way less because of the sauna use.
02:14:04.000 It was one of the factors, for sure.
02:14:08.000 It's hard to tell.
02:14:09.000 The people that use sauna, maybe they'd be more inclined to work out as well.
02:14:13.000 Maybe they'd be more inclined to eat well.
02:14:15.000 Who knows?
02:14:16.000 But the sauna was a part of this group.
02:14:19.000 And by using the sauna, I think it was 175 degrees for 20 minutes four times a week.
02:14:25.000 I think that was the protocol.
02:14:27.000 These people, I mean, they were just way healthier because your body produces this reaction to that extreme heat.
02:14:34.000 And I don't know if that works with the infrared saunas, but that study was done with the regular sauna, which is just real hot in there.
02:14:41.000 And when it gets real hot in there, your body has to deal with that, so it produces these cytokines.
02:14:46.000 And these cytokines are very good just for general inflammation, for problems in your body.
02:14:52.000 You feel better.
02:14:52.000 You feel more alert when you're done with it.
02:14:55.000 How do you know all this shit? 1.00
02:14:56.000 I will listen to people talk. 1.00
02:14:58.000 It's just stuffed in there.
02:14:59.000 Yeah, it's stuffed in there.
02:15:00.000 It's stuffed in there, dude.
02:15:03.000 But this is just one of those things that I got obsessed with because I'm obsessed with human performance.
02:15:07.000 I'm obsessed with trying to figure out what's the best way to let your body repair and recover.
02:15:13.000 What are the best modalities?
02:15:17.000 And sauna is one of them for sure.
02:15:19.000 There's also a guy named Dan Gable.
02:15:20.000 He's one of the greatest wrestlers of all time.
02:15:22.000 And he was raving about the sauna and how when he was an Olympic wrestler he won the gold medal.
02:15:28.000 In the 1970s, I forget what year, but he was one of the only guys to ever wrestle in the Olympics that had zero points scored on him and won the gold medal. 0.99
02:15:36.000 I mean, he was just a fucking monster, just an animal. 0.97
02:15:39.000 And one of the things that he found out was that the Russians, the Belarusians, and all these Eastern Bloc countries, they all use the sauna. 1.00
02:15:48.000 A lot of these European athletes, they all use the sauna.
02:15:51.000 All these countries that they realized that after training they would get in the sauna and the sauna was very difficult because you're already tired.
02:15:58.000 You trained all day.
02:15:59.000 You trained for a couple hours.
02:16:00.000 The sauna gives you more cardio because it actually keeps your heart rate elevated.
02:16:05.000 It's like doing cardio while you're sitting.
02:16:07.000 And it also gives you more red blood cells because your body's dealing with all this heat right after training.
02:16:12.000 Your body kind of freaks out.
02:16:13.000 And in that freak out produces something that's very beneficial for your endurance and for your just overall vitality.
02:16:20.000 And you do it how many times a week?
02:16:21.000 Almost every day.
02:16:22.000 Almost every day.
02:16:23.000 Almost every day.
02:16:24.000 Yeah.
02:16:24.000 I like to do it before I get here.
02:16:26.000 That's what I like to do.
02:16:27.000 I like to get up early.
02:16:28.000 I have a hard workout.
02:16:29.000 I do sauna, ice bath, sauna, ice bath, sauna.
02:16:32.000 You have an ice bath at your house?
02:16:34.000 I have an outside ice bath.
02:16:36.000 You do?
02:16:36.000 Yeah.
02:16:37.000 That's misery.
02:16:38.000 It's awesome.
02:16:39.000 Doesn't it hurt?
02:16:40.000 It's not good.
02:16:42.000 It's not fun.
02:16:42.000 But it's fun.
02:16:43.000 It feels good when you get out.
02:16:45.000 When you get out, you feel amazing.
02:16:47.000 It's the same thing.
02:16:48.000 Cold shock proteins.
02:16:49.000 These are the things.
02:16:50.000 We can get you on this program, Ron White.
02:16:52.000 It's fun.
02:16:53.000 And you don't have to do it as long as I do it.
02:16:56.000 If you just did it 10 minutes a day, it's better than none.
02:16:58.000 It's great for you.
02:16:59.000 It just makes you feel good, too, man.
02:17:01.000 And as soon as it doesn't make you feel good anymore, just get out.
02:17:04.000 You don't have to stay in.
02:17:05.000 I'm about to build a house, so I'll put a sauna in it.
02:17:07.000 Oh, beautiful.
02:17:09.000 That's right.
02:17:09.000 You're going to do that.
02:17:10.000 We talked about that.
02:17:11.000 Yeah, definitely have a sauna.
02:17:13.000 I'll connect you with the people that advised me.
02:17:17.000 I had one built for my house in California, and they build custom saunas.
02:17:23.000 They could do one with a big RW inside of it.
02:17:28.000 I'll keep you posted on my progress that I'm going to get started on.
02:17:35.000 What else are you going to put in your house?
02:17:36.000 Are you going to put one of them golf games?
02:17:39.000 It'll be on a golf course, so I'll have a driving range right outside.
02:17:43.000 What if it's lightning and thunder?
02:17:44.000 Lightning and thunder's out here.
02:17:46.000 I'm going to take a day off that day.
02:17:48.000 I'm not all that committed to it.
02:17:49.000 I play it about three days a week. 0.99
02:17:51.000 This dork's got a fucking driving range built out in the garage out there. 1.00
02:17:55.000 I have time to make up. 1.00
02:17:56.000 I just got into it.
02:17:57.000 30 years behind.
02:17:59.000 Oh, I want one.
02:18:00.000 I want one.
02:18:00.000 There's no place to put one, really, in my condo.
02:18:02.000 Upstairs, I could put one.
02:18:03.000 He's got one that sits on...
02:18:05.000 He's got a laptop.
02:18:06.000 Or is it an iPad?
02:18:07.000 It's an iPad?
02:18:08.000 Well, yeah, it connects to the iPad, but yeah, for the game part of it, you have to connect to a computer.
02:18:13.000 Right, but he's doing this thing where he's measuring how fast his ball's going.
02:18:19.000 Yeah, you don't even need a ball for that.
02:18:21.000 If you just swing a club through it, it'll measure every single angle of that and how fast it's going and tell you exactly what would have happened if there would have been a ball there.
02:18:28.000 Right.
02:18:29.000 And it's a great, great way to try, but I don't do it.
02:18:33.000 But this thing that he does, I was watching and I was like, this is genius, because this is something that allows you to drive, to do that sweeping motion over and over and over again, and you can perfect it without having to chase down a bunch of balls.
02:18:47.000 Absolutely, that's true.
02:18:48.000 Absolutely true.
02:18:49.000 Yeah, that's exactly how people learn these days.
02:18:52.000 They invented this thing, I think it's called the brake rack. 0.93
02:18:55.000 And I had one at one point in time, but I don't know what the fuck I did with it.
02:18:58.000 But it's essentially a thing that kind of does that for pool. 0.56
02:19:02.000 Because the break shot is like one of the most important shots.
02:19:05.000 And so you can either practice it, and if you practice it, you gotta rack again and gather all the balls and rack again, gather all the balls and rack again.
02:19:13.000 But this thing is just one ball that's like solid and kind of connected to the table so it allows you to practice just the idea of squaring up on that one ball and hitting it just as square as possible right down the middle which is a lot in a lot of ways like golf it's this coordination of your movement your stance and everything Yeah,
02:19:34.000 so pool doesn't look that hard when somebody's really good at it, does it?
02:19:39.000 Yeah, it looks easy.
02:19:40.000 Yeah, it looks really easy.
02:19:41.000 But all my friends that play pool, though, they all say that if you play golf, that golf is way harder than pool.
02:19:49.000 They all say that.
02:19:51.000 You know, I don't know, but I know that golf is hard.
02:19:56.000 Some days I can't play it at all, and when I do have a A little run of time that I play some pretty good golf.
02:20:01.000 It just feels so good.
02:20:03.000 And a really good shot I'll remember for years.
02:20:07.000 But I've got room in my head for it.
02:20:09.000 You don't have room in your head for golf.
02:20:11.000 There can't be any room left in that head of yours.
02:20:14.000 There's a problem.
02:20:15.000 It's a problem.
02:20:17.000 There's so many things I want to do.
02:20:19.000 I really wish I had other lives to live simultaneously so I could run them at the same time.
02:20:25.000 Manage them.
02:20:26.000 You need just two more heads, right?
02:20:28.000 I think there's only so much room in there.
02:20:31.000 You've got to be getting close to full.
02:20:33.000 You've got to be.
02:20:34.000 Well, I delete files.
02:20:35.000 I forget things all the time that I shouldn't forget.
02:20:37.000 I don't mean to.
02:20:38.000 I just forget them.
02:20:39.000 But I, you know...
02:20:42.000 I could see, like, I don't understand when people say they're bored.
02:20:45.000 Because I could see doing a bunch of different occupations.
02:20:48.000 I could see doing, there's a lot of things that are interesting.
02:20:50.000 You do a lot of different occupations now.
02:20:52.000 I know, but I'm like, if I wasn't doing this, these things that I do, I could see doing other stuff.
02:20:57.000 I mean, there's a lot of interesting things to do in life.
02:21:00.000 Like, these people that get good at these things, they're getting good at them because they're fascinating them.
02:21:04.000 Right, right.
02:21:04.000 It's not just a financial reward.
02:21:06.000 I saw, I read a really, really great article about What it takes to make somebody want to get better at their job.
02:21:21.000 So they would change the environment, change the pay, just to see what would get them to produce more in what circumstances with this boss, this boss, you know, paint it blue, whatever.
02:21:32.000 And they could come up with nothing.
02:21:35.000 But in their spare time for no money, people will teach themselves how to do impossible things for nothing.
02:21:41.000 Whether it's guitar and trying to get really, really good at that and doesn't pay a dime or jujitsu, which most people will not make much money at.
02:21:54.000 I know Bourdain did it every day of his life, and it makes sense to me.
02:22:01.000 You know, but I don't want to do it, but it makes sense to me that I can see what would be fun about it.
02:22:06.000 And so, yeah, it keeps you alive, you know.
02:22:08.000 It's also one of those things that could, if you have a career, it could consume your focus to the point where it becomes a detriment to your career.
02:22:16.000 Because you're so interested in doing it, you don't really care.
02:22:19.000 But then the argument is, well, should you?
02:22:21.000 You should probably do what you want to do. 0.99
02:22:23.000 How important is your fucking career? 0.99
02:22:25.000 What's supposed to be important is your happiness. 0.99
02:22:27.000 Somebody asked me in an interview one time, asked me if I was disappointed that I wasn't more successful.
02:22:34.000 Oh, God.
02:22:35.000 And I was like, well, if you get together all the people I took the GED with...
02:22:41.000 You know, I got every one of them beat.
02:22:43.000 I got every one of them beat.
02:22:44.000 Things worked out bad.
02:22:45.000 Such a gross question.
02:22:47.000 Well, you know, they think that I should have been a, you know, maybe I want, they think I wanted to be a television star or a movie star or whatever.
02:22:55.000 I wanted to be a comedian.
02:22:57.000 But it's such a question where it's like, I mean, maybe they didn't mean it this way.
02:23:02.000 But what they're saying is it's like, you failed.
02:23:05.000 Yeah.
02:23:06.000 Yeah, I know.
02:23:07.000 Really, I don't feel like a failure at all.
02:23:10.000 It's an insane thing to say for them.
02:23:13.000 If you compared your life to their life, what are you talking about?
02:23:16.000 Probably a little bit uninformed.
02:23:19.000 Maybe.
02:23:20.000 Or just maybe just trying to say something that gets you to say something that is a good headline. 1.00
02:23:25.000 Or, you know, get you wound up so you'll say some crazy shit. 0.99
02:23:29.000 Or, you know, get you to, maybe they think you'll get emotional or something. 0.99
02:23:33.000 No, I made the GED comment.
02:23:35.000 That's a good comment.
02:23:37.000 Yeah.
02:23:37.000 I think there was 30 of us that day.
02:23:39.000 And I miss them. 0.97
02:23:41.000 I mean, trying to imagine that you should be more successful than you've been is so ridiculous. 0.86
02:23:47.000 Like, that's a person that doesn't understand. 0.63
02:23:49.000 Like, you know, I remember when I was...
02:23:53.000 Like, one of the first theaters I ever did was in Houston.
02:23:56.000 It was a long time ago.
02:23:58.000 And I remember thinking, man, this place is giant.
02:24:01.000 And they go, well, there's a whole upper floor.
02:24:03.000 They open up on Ron White's here.
02:24:04.000 I was like, what?
02:24:05.000 And then I looked up and there was a balcony.
02:24:07.000 And they go, and he sells out two shows in a row. 1.00
02:24:09.000 I was like, fuck! 1.00
02:24:11.000 Fuck! 1.00
02:24:11.000 I remember thinking, like, that's crazy! 1.00
02:24:14.000 I mean, I don't remember how many seats it was, but it was a big fucking place, and I think when you would sell it out two shows, I think it was close to 5,000. 0.99
02:24:21.000 I couldn't imagine that that was possible, and that you would sell two shows like that in a row, and you would do that every fucking night of the week. 0.98
02:24:27.000 Right, that's good, right? 0.98
02:24:29.000 That's good.
02:24:29.000 It's pretty good.
02:24:31.000 In my world, someone saying that you should be more successful is crazy.
02:24:38.000 In my world, you're very successful.
02:24:40.000 You've made millions.
02:24:42.000 You've fans all over the world.
02:24:44.000 I can't imagine.
02:24:46.000 I can't figure out how I did it, and I can't imagine a life without it.
02:24:51.000 And it's crazy that it didn't even happen to you until you were in your 40s.
02:24:55.000 Well, I think everybody better go, right, it didn't, that's for sure.
02:25:00.000 When did Blue Collar, how old were you in Blue Collar?
02:25:03.000 45. That is wild.
02:25:04.000 45 years old.
02:25:05.000 That is wild. 0.98
02:25:06.000 And it's a good thing, because if I would have had money when I was young, I was making dumber decisions then. 0.91
02:25:12.000 So I can't imagine another way. 0.77
02:25:15.000 I did the 15 years of clubs and got... 0.99
02:25:18.000 Good at it, and then, you know, the worst thing that can happen is somebody get famous before they spend that 15 years getting good at it, because they're fucked. 0.99
02:25:25.000 Yes, yes, yes. 0.98
02:25:27.000 You go out and come in second and last comic standing, and you've got 25 minutes of material to take on a headline tour.
02:25:34.000 Good luck with your career, buddy.
02:25:36.000 I've seen people do that, and very few of them manage to pull out of it and pull a good career out of it.
02:25:41.000 No, how could you?
02:25:42.000 I can't even imagine anybody that could do that.
02:25:45.000 Well, you could do that.
02:25:46.000 See, I think the type of person that makes it to a level that you're at, or a level that Jim Gaffigan's at, this is these levels, right?
02:25:56.000 The type of person that makes it there, I think it's going to make it no matter what.
02:25:59.000 Are you, Joe?
02:26:00.000 You! 0.99
02:26:01.000 But I think they're going to make it there no matter what.
02:26:03.000 I do.
02:26:04.000 I think they would make it there if they were on a show.
02:26:06.000 They'd make it there.
02:26:07.000 But it's going to be harder.
02:26:09.000 I often wonder what would have happened to me without Blue Collar.
02:26:13.000 Because there's got to be a catalyst, right?
02:26:16.000 There's got to be a catalyst.
02:26:17.000 There's got to be a thing.
02:26:18.000 And for me...
02:26:20.000 It was blue-collar, and I often wonder, you know, what would have happened to my career without Jeff's generosity to share a stage, you know, with his friends, because that's what did it.
02:26:31.000 No doubt about it.
02:26:32.000 No doubt about it.
02:26:38.000 You know, the most, you know, prolific comic alive, you know, for sure, you know, putting out albums that were selling through the roof and, you know, doing it.
02:26:48.000 He let me go with him.
02:26:49.000 So just like Tony's going with you now and my opening act going with me.
02:26:54.000 And then he came up with this blue collar and he told me about it on a jet that he had chartered.
02:27:00.000 And he goes, he tells me the whole thing. 0.93
02:27:02.000 And I was like, that's retarded. 0.97
02:27:04.000 That's what I said. 0.96
02:27:06.000 That's the kind of vision I got. 0.99
02:27:07.000 That's retarded. 1.00
02:27:08.000 You don't need four comics in a show. 0.79
02:27:11.000 How much time would each of you do?
02:27:14.000 Well, that was the whole beauty of it, Joe, is I only did 10 minutes in the movie.
02:27:20.000 And then I told the Tater Sal story at the end, which is about six. 0.81
02:27:24.000 And I was sitting there thinking about it when this movie was coming out.
02:27:27.000 I was going, you know, if this happens to work out right, I didn't burn any material doing this at all.
02:27:33.000 Like the least amount of material ever to get famous. 0.94
02:27:38.000 But I had this backlog of material nobody had ever seen that I'd been working on for 15 fucking years. 0.94
02:27:45.000 And it was tight. 0.98
02:27:47.000 So when I got famous, I had the goods to beat them up for as long as I wanted to.
02:27:55.000 And that was...
02:27:58.000 That's perfect.
02:28:00.000 I thought it got me when I was completely ripe and not before.
02:28:07.000 But I saw it coming.
02:28:09.000 The way it was working out, I was like, wow, this looks like what's going to happen here.
02:28:13.000 It looked like I got a chance of getting famous with 18 minutes, 16 minutes of material.
02:28:19.000 That's amazing.
02:28:21.000 Well, you know what a big deal that would be.
02:28:24.000 Because most people get...
02:28:26.000 Whatever fame they get, burning the only act they've got, you know, and then they've got to start over again, and that act you don't have 16 years to write.
02:28:33.000 No, that was a real problem with a lot of comics once those HBO specials started coming out.
02:28:38.000 You know, I remember that was an issue with Kinnison, because Kinnison was going on the road, and it was after his HBO special, and he had the same material, and people knew the material.
02:28:49.000 Right.
02:28:50.000 And so he had to write a whole new act really quickly.
02:28:53.000 So he had, you know, he had, I don't know how many years before his first HBO special.
02:28:59.000 More than ten, I believe, as a stand-up.
02:29:02.000 And then all of a sudden, boom, he's got to work with what he can write this, you know, next six months.
02:29:08.000 Right.
02:29:08.000 He's going on the road.
02:29:09.000 And he's doing these big-ass theaters and shit. 0.99
02:29:12.000 And it was at a time where, I mean, there wasn't that many big comedians. 0.99
02:29:17.000 Right.
02:29:18.000 Who was around back then?
02:29:19.000 Roseanne Barr, Richard Pryor was still around, Eddie Murphy, Carlin, Dice Clay, right?
02:29:28.000 There was Seinfeld. 0.87
02:29:30.000 It wasn't like it is today, where there's that many comedians that are touring and doing stadiums and arenas and shit and theaters.
02:29:38.000 There's a lot of top-flight comics now.
02:29:41.000 I think probably more than ever.
02:29:43.000 Yeah.
02:29:43.000 So when he was doing it back then, there wasn't that many people that were...
02:29:47.000 It wasn't the same thing.
02:29:50.000 Yeah, it's kind of driven by podcasts, I think.
02:29:54.000 But Netflix made a lot of people famous.
02:29:57.000 I had no idea when I first started coming out and hanging out at the store that these were famous comics that were on stage murdering.
02:30:04.000 I didn't know they were famous.
02:30:06.000 I mean, because I don't follow it at all.
02:30:08.000 I mean, at all I don't watch comedy or keep up with who's what.
02:30:11.000 And so I remember Pat and Sebastian Maniscalco on the head telling me you should keep it going.
02:30:17.000 You know, I think you've got some...
02:30:18.000 Potential.
02:30:18.000 And then it turns out I was so embarrassed because he works in the same rooms I do.
02:30:23.000 And I'm like, how do I not know that?
02:30:25.000 I'm a comedian.
02:30:26.000 That dude sold out Madison Square Garden four shows.
02:30:29.000 Yeah, right.
02:30:30.000 Wild.
02:30:31.000 Wild. 1.00
02:30:31.000 He's a murderer. 1.00
02:30:32.000 Yeah, he is. 1.00
02:30:33.000 He is.
02:30:34.000 But you're right.
02:30:35.000 And there's a bunch of them, too.
02:30:36.000 Yeah.
02:30:37.000 There is a bunch of them.
02:30:38.000 It's a great time for comedy.
02:30:40.000 Yeah.
02:30:40.000 But Kinison back then, when he was doing that, I don't think there were that many people that were touring those big places.
02:30:46.000 Yeah, I did one with him.
02:30:48.000 Oh, yeah?
02:30:49.000 I did the Dallas County Convention Theater.
02:30:52.000 It was a great...
02:30:53.000 I was an open mic nerd.
02:30:54.000 I found out the day I did it that LeBove was going into rehab, and they called the improv and said, who do you have that can open this show?
02:31:02.000 And they go, Ron White's pretty good.
02:31:04.000 Wow.
02:31:04.000 So they said, I went down there with Lori, my son's mom, and...
02:31:10.000 And Alex Ramundo went down there with me.
02:31:13.000 And so I was backstage at a 2,000-seater in No Sign of Kennison.
02:31:19.000 Bill was there, his brother.
02:31:22.000 And he was doing a remake.
02:31:24.000 And so Kennison still wasn't there.
02:31:26.000 And he goes, all right, we'll go out there.
02:31:28.000 And he said, a lot of times Sam's opening act is a sacrificial lamb because...
02:31:34.000 They want to see Sam.
02:31:36.000 So apparently LeBeau really struggled some nights with them screaming and stuff and getting too anxious to get to Sam.
02:31:44.000 So I went out and I blistered this crowd with 10 minutes and Sam still wasn't there and Bill was over there stretching for me to go longer.
02:31:55.000 So I went longer than I did.
02:31:56.000 I only had about 15 or so.
02:31:58.000 And so after that, I just had to say goodnight, but I killed. 0.86
02:32:02.000 I mean, just killed.
02:32:03.000 And to come back, Sam's still not there.
02:32:05.000 And he had kind of a dressing suite with another room in the back, and I had like a six-pack of beer, I think they gave me.
02:32:16.000 And we're smoking pot back there.
02:32:18.000 And all of a sudden, there's limos pull up.
02:32:20.000 And Sam and his entourage and strippers and all this stuff, they come in.
02:32:24.000 And as soon as they get there, there's 2,000 people waiting, right?
02:32:27.000 They've been sitting out there 15 minutes now since I've got off.
02:32:31.000 He sends a body guard to come get me to my room.
02:32:34.000 They said, Sam wants to talk to you.
02:32:36.000 And I go back in the room.
02:32:37.000 Sam's chopping up a rail of Coke.
02:32:40.000 He's got a vial of Coke, and he's banging it on the table.
02:32:44.000 Probably a lot of people didn't know Sam did blow, but he did.
02:32:47.000 And so he looks up at me and he goes, Heard you killed them, cowboy!
02:32:52.000 And I said, Yeah, Sam, they're great.
02:32:54.000 They're going to have a good time.
02:32:55.000 He goes, How about a cup of coffee?
02:32:58.000 And I said...
02:33:00.000 Yeah, yeah, I did a rail with Sam, and then he faked a heart attack and fell on the floor and started turning, I don't know how he could make himself turn blue, but he was doing it, and nobody fell for it but me,
02:33:16.000 because I guess they'd seen him or whatever, and there's 2,000 people.
02:33:21.000 He's doing this show, you know, trying to freak me out about him having a heart attack after doing this big bump of blow, so...
02:33:28.000 After the whole thing was over, there were people there from the Punchline, people there from the Laugh Stop, people there from the Funny Bone that I already kind of worked for a little bit in town.
02:33:39.000 And they were like, let's go to dinner.
02:33:41.000 We want to talk about putting you on the road.
02:33:44.000 That was on one shoulder. 0.98
02:33:45.000 On the other shoulder was Sam Kinnison going, how about going to some strip clubs and get real fucked up in the limos? 0.98
02:33:52.000 And I was like, yeah, I'm going to go with Sam. 0.85
02:33:56.000 So I went with Sam, and we caught up about the career later.
02:33:59.000 But literally, that's what put me on the road.
02:34:02.000 Yeah.
02:34:03.000 And they offered me 50 weeks a year as a middle act, making 500 bucks, and I said, okay.
02:34:08.000 Wow.
02:34:08.000 Yeah.
02:34:09.000 What a great fucking story. 0.99
02:34:11.000 Yeah, and Sam went out, he was just like, let me show you how this is done. 1.00
02:34:16.000 Wow.
02:34:16.000 And he was at his prime, you know, and he went out there and just beat the crowd to death.
02:34:20.000 I just had so much fun watching him.
02:34:22.000 Wow.
02:34:23.000 And then I opened for him later in a comedy club, and it was not too much before he died, and it was not that kind of experience at all.
02:34:30.000 And he hadn't done stand-up in a while, and he was about to do a big show, and he came into Omaha, I think it was, and I was the headliner, so I opened for him.
02:34:40.000 And he was late to that one.
02:34:42.000 I was supposed to do 10 minutes.
02:34:43.000 I did an hour and 10 minutes, and then he showed up.
02:34:46.000 And he came on stage and he really looked bad and he had on a black shirt and it looked like he'd like wrestled with a cookie or something and had sunglasses on and went up there and staggered around for a while.
02:35:00.000 It was pretty tired.
02:35:04.000 He didn't last long.
02:35:06.000 Yeah, you burn hot, man.
02:35:08.000 Burn hot, take off hot, crash hot.
02:35:11.000 You know, it happens all the time.
02:35:13.000 You gotta take care of your car.
02:35:14.000 Yeah.
02:35:16.000 Take care of your vehicle.
02:35:17.000 And a moderate rise.
02:35:19.000 There's a lot of good things about that bass being solid beneath you and not moving too fast.
02:35:24.000 Yeah, for sure. 0.68
02:35:26.000 I got this really shitty review.
02:35:29.000 Did I ever tell you that? 1.00
02:35:30.000 And that was a good thing, you know, for somebody to say, you suck, dude. 1.00
02:35:35.000 You're not even what you think you are. 1.00
02:35:38.000 Go home and get better and come back later, which I did.
02:35:44.000 Bombings are great. 1.00
02:35:45.000 Yeah.
02:35:45.000 All those kind of things where you do things you shouldn't have done, they're great.
02:35:49.000 You slip up, they're great.
02:35:51.000 They teach you.
02:35:52.000 They teach you, that's how people learn, you know? 0.99
02:35:55.000 People learn from fucking up. 0.98
02:35:57.000 But the problem with a guy who's doing a lot of coke, like Kinison, it's like you can't sustain that. 0.99
02:36:04.000 Like physically you can't sustain it.
02:36:06.000 If you're drinking and doing coke every night, you can't sustain it.
02:36:09.000 You're gonna fall apart.
02:36:10.000 So all of his energy that he had, if you go back and watch that HBO special, he was crackling. 0.99
02:36:16.000 Like, he'd walk on the stage and he had this fucking... 0.98
02:36:19.000 He was so lucid. 0.99
02:36:20.000 He was so there.
02:36:21.000 When he would laugh about stuff. 1.00
02:36:23.000 You know, his crazy fucking laugh. 1.00
02:36:25.000 And it's all this shit about Jesus and, like, the power that he had back then. 1.00
02:36:30.000 There was no comedy like him before. 0.99
02:36:32.000 Yeah.
02:36:33.000 I believe there are bridge builders and then people that walk across those bridges.
02:36:37.000 And there's very few builders.
02:36:38.000 And the bridge he built...
02:36:40.000 He taught us that people can find you genuinely disgusting and you can still make them laugh as hard as they can laugh.
02:36:47.000 And not pretend Don Rickles stuff, but really be truly darkly edgy, funny, and a lot of people did that afterwards, but I feel like that was something that he built and that people walked across.
02:37:04.000 Yeah.
02:37:06.000 He was special.
02:37:07.000 Kind of like Paulson did, you know, with a deadpan delivery.
02:37:11.000 I don't know who did it before him, but a lot of people...
02:37:15.000 Even Stephen Wright and some, you know, but...
02:37:18.000 They came across that bridge.
02:37:19.000 Came across that bridge.
02:37:21.000 Yeah.
02:37:22.000 There's so many bridges.
02:37:23.000 How many bridges did Seinfeld make, right?
02:37:25.000 That guy, so many people came across his bridge.
02:37:28.000 Yeah, a generation.
02:37:29.000 Oh, my God.
02:37:29.000 People marched across it.
02:37:30.000 I remember there was guys that were on stage in the 90s that would just talk like Seinfeld.
02:37:35.000 You know, they just had a way of describing things.
02:37:38.000 What is happening here?
02:37:39.000 Right.
02:37:39.000 And you would realize, like, wow, this guy's got, like...
02:37:41.000 They would just get a big build-up of it.
02:37:42.000 Yeah.
02:37:43.000 David Tell's a big one.
02:37:44.000 He's got a giant bridge that a lot of people have come across.
02:37:47.000 A lot of people sound like David.
02:37:49.000 Yeah, he makes me shake my head.
02:37:51.000 Oh, he's genius.
02:37:51.000 He's just so good.
02:37:52.000 He's genius.
02:37:53.000 I just can't even believe it.
02:37:55.000 After working with him, I've told people, I have never been that good, and I'll never be that good.
02:38:02.000 He loves it, too.
02:38:04.000 The guy that opens for me goes, I'll tell you why you're better.
02:38:06.000 And I said, I'll tell you why you're wrong.
02:38:07.000 I know for a fact.
02:38:08.000 You don't even have to guess.
02:38:10.000 I'm not that good.
02:38:12.000 He's one of the greatest of all time David tells like a genuine national treasure There's just not you know, he's got his own style of talking his own rhythm Yeah, and you get caught up and it's a it's a beautiful ride There's um,
02:38:29.000 you know, there's those guys and but Kinison was one of the first ever for me Because I couldn't believe that that was comedy too.
02:38:36.000 Like I thought comedy was like Seinfeld and I loved it I loved Richard Jenny I loved all these people then I saw Kinison I was like Oh!
02:38:43.000 It can go anywhere.
02:38:45.000 It can go anywhere.
02:38:45.000 Right.
02:38:46.000 And I was like, maybe I can do comedy.
02:38:47.000 I remember thinking that.
02:38:49.000 Because before that, I was like, I enjoyed it, but I didn't really think I could ever do it.
02:38:53.000 And I saw him.
02:38:54.000 It was in 1986. I was like, maybe I can do it.
02:38:57.000 Because if that's comedy, too, maybe I could do that.
02:39:00.000 Did I ever tell you how I found out about Kennison?
02:39:01.000 No.
02:39:02.000 I was working at the Boston Athletic Club in South Boston.
02:39:05.000 I was a weightlifting trainer. 0.99
02:39:06.000 I'd work with people and show them how to use machines and shit. 0.98
02:39:10.000 And there was a lady that I worked with. 1.00
02:39:12.000 How old?
02:39:13.000 I was 19. Yeah, because it was 86. There was a lady that I worked with. 0.99
02:39:18.000 She worked the front desk.
02:39:19.000 She was a girl.
02:39:20.000 She was basically my age.
02:39:21.000 And she was like this hilarious girl, like a real athletic, big volleyball player. 0.94
02:39:26.000 She was really fun.
02:39:27.000 And she goes, and she knew I loved comedy. 0.99
02:39:29.000 And she was like, you gotta see, with her fucking heavy Boston accent, you gotta see this fucking guy. 0.99
02:39:34.000 Oh my god, he was so funny. 1.00
02:39:36.000 He did this thing about being dead and guys fucking him. 0.99
02:39:40.000 Hold on, let me show you what he did. 0.99
02:39:42.000 So he does his thing.
02:39:43.000 So she gets down and she does Kinison's bit, which is one of his classic bits, about homosexual necrophiliacs who pay money to use the freshest male corpses. 0.89
02:39:54.000 And so she's lying on her stomach in the parking lot. 1.00
02:39:57.000 And she goes, and she goes, and then he's like, oh my god, is that a dick in my ass? 1.00
02:40:02.000 You mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even after you're dead? 1.00
02:40:04.000 It never ends! 1.00
02:40:06.000 It never ends!
02:40:07.000 Oh! 0.60
02:40:08.000 Oh! 0.60
02:40:08.000 She's lying on her stomach. 0.60
02:40:10.000 And I'm laughing so hard.
02:40:11.000 I was like, I can't wait to see this guy do this.
02:40:14.000 If you're so funny, just acting it out.
02:40:16.000 I'll never forget that girl.
02:40:17.000 I'll never forget her doing that.
02:40:19.000 Because her doing that made me check out Kinison. 0.94
02:40:22.000 I mean, I'm sure I would have found out about him eventually.
02:40:24.000 But it was a specific pattern.
02:40:26.000 It was a specific path.
02:40:27.000 Her showing me that made me seek it out.
02:40:29.000 And I remember I got it from a video store. 0.98
02:40:32.000 It was like, Ben, you're random from fucking Blockbuster or whatever. 0.98
02:40:35.000 And I watched it. 0.99
02:40:36.000 My jaw dropped.
02:40:37.000 I was like, what?
02:40:38.000 Wow!
02:40:39.000 That's comedy too?
02:40:40.000 This is crazy.
02:40:42.000 One of the kids that lived on my street's dad had a Richard Pryor 8-track, and we popped that in.
02:40:49.000 There's some new words and some new things we've never thought about.
02:40:54.000 Yeah.
02:40:55.000 Man, when I was a kid in high school, me and my girlfriend, we used to listen to Richard Pryor and just giggle.
02:41:01.000 We couldn't believe what we were listening to.
02:41:02.000 Like, oh my God.
02:41:04.000 What is he saying?
02:41:05.000 This was like...
02:41:09.000 1980?
02:41:09.000 1981?
02:41:10.000 You know, those days? 1.00
02:41:12.000 It was like that kind of shit? 1.00
02:41:14.000 Shocking. 1.00
02:41:15.000 Shocking.
02:41:16.000 Oh my god, he was like, you couldn't believe what you were hearing.
02:41:17.000 Eddie Murphy made me laugh so hard and raw.
02:41:21.000 Delirious?
02:41:21.000 How about delirious?
02:41:22.000 Yeah, this...
02:41:24.000 Yeah.
02:41:25.000 But you know what?
02:41:26.000 And that's the thing.
02:41:27.000 I don't even know if Eddie could come back and do what he did, you know, the same way.
02:41:35.000 I mean, captivate that power.
02:41:41.000 Has he tried to do it?
02:41:43.000 He hasn't tried to do it, but here's what he did do.
02:41:46.000 He had a speech at some award show, and he did a speech on the podium, and he talked about them taking Bill Cosby's honorary degree away from him, taking awards away from him.
02:41:58.000 What was it about?
02:42:00.000 Was it awards or degrees?
02:42:01.000 But they took something away from him because of the allegations when he went to jail. 0.98
02:42:06.000 So he always did a great Bill Cosby impression because Bill Cosby fucked with him early in his career. 0.81
02:42:12.000 So he had that whole bit about calling up Richard Pryor because Bill Cosby calls him up and he does an impression saying... 1.00
02:42:17.000 He'd drink a Coke and shut the fuck up. 0.99
02:42:19.000 Yeah, that's what Richard Pryor tells him. 0.99
02:42:21.000 Did the people laugh?
02:42:23.000 Did you get paid? 1.00
02:42:24.000 Tell Bill to have a coconut smile and shut the fuck up. 1.00
02:42:27.000 Which is the perfect person to call. 1.00
02:42:29.000 I mean, imagine being Eddie Murphy and the guy you're calling because Bill Cosby's fucking with you is Richard Pryor. 0.96
02:42:36.000 The one guy that trumps Bill Cosby. 0.96
02:42:39.000 If you want a stand-up mentor, Bill Cosby's amazing.
02:42:44.000 Richard Pryor's the goat.
02:42:45.000 You know if there's a goat goat, he's the no doubt about it.
02:42:48.000 It's hard to say like there are there's a lot of greats, you know, right? 0.65
02:42:52.000 Cosby's certainly one of them too Cosby's one of them as gross as it sounds that he's a rapist his art if you could separate the man from the art he was a Masterful stand-up comedian and then in a bridge everybody walked across I mean everybody that's ever done his comedy special watch Bill Cosby himself and Yeah, 0.99
02:43:10.000 so look at this, because this is fucking funny shit. 0.99
02:43:14.000 So I was like, listen to how good his timing is. 0.99
02:43:16.000 Give me some...
02:43:18.000 Karl Reiner and Lily Tomlin.
02:43:24.000 Who else got this?
02:43:25.000 Bill.
02:43:25.000 Oh, Bill has one of these.
02:43:30.000 Did y'all make Bill give his back?
02:43:34.000 No, because I know there was a big outcry from people that was trying to get Bill to give his trophies back.
02:43:39.000 You know you f***ed up when they want you to give your trophies back. 0.85
02:43:48.000 He should do one show where he just come out and just talk crazy now. 0.95
02:43:55.000 I would like to talk to some of the people who feel that I should give back my trophies!
02:44:09.000 This is bleeped out.
02:44:11.000 We're bleeping out the stairs.
02:44:14.000 Look how good this is.
02:44:16.000 That's because you may have heard recently that I allegedly put the pill in the people's chocolate.
02:44:29.000 Jesus Christ.
02:44:30.000 I wish someone would come up to my house talking about giving up the trophy because you put the pill in the people's chocolate.
02:44:35.000 You get...
02:44:36.000 No!
02:44:37.000 Because I'm not giving back And who...
02:44:46.000 Who is Hannibal Barris?
02:44:53.000 Hannibal Barris!
02:44:58.000 First of all, Hannibal is a caveman's name.
02:45:06.000 And you gonna just come on out and push over an apple cart to Hannibal? 1.00
02:45:10.000 If I ever see or meet this Hannibal Barrison person, I am going to try to kill this nigger! 1.00
02:45:21.000 Jesus Christ! 1.00
02:45:24.000 Come on, man.
02:45:25.000 He did stand-up.
02:45:26.000 Even that little spot of misdirection went right before he said Bill, like he forgot for a second, which makes the whole thing look improvised, which is genius.
02:45:36.000 Genius.
02:45:37.000 Come on, man.
02:45:37.000 That's solid stand-up.
02:45:39.000 Yeah, right.
02:45:39.000 That answers my question, right.
02:45:41.000 And he's just in front of a podium holding on to this trophy and just doing this routine that he prepared.
02:45:49.000 And killing a traditionally tough audience, I'm sure.
02:45:52.000 Not only that. 0.92
02:45:52.000 Did he practice that? 0.92
02:45:54.000 Where's he practicing?
02:45:55.000 He's not going to the comedy clubs.
02:45:57.000 I didn't see him up there.
02:45:58.000 So he's killing without any practice.
02:46:01.000 Okay.
02:46:01.000 I take back everything I said.
02:46:03.000 I mean, just think about how good he was when he was young.
02:46:07.000 And imagine all the life experience he has now.
02:46:10.000 And how much better he would be now.
02:46:12.000 No doubt.
02:46:13.000 Just changed his mind and did something else.
02:46:17.000 Yeah, just decided to do movies. 0.99
02:46:18.000 A lot of people, like the pressure of creating, the pressure of live performances, People, after a while, they don't want to deal with that shit anymore. 0.98
02:46:28.000 Some of the greats. 0.97
02:46:30.000 He's one of the most talented guys that's ever existed.
02:46:33.000 Yeah, I mean, I can't even describe what I thought of him the first time I saw and how hard I laughed.
02:46:40.000 And even Seinfeld.
02:46:42.000 I saw Seinfeld when I just started doing stand-up and he was at the...
02:46:46.000 At the Improv in Dallas, and it was my birthday, and they just got me a good table.
02:46:52.000 I mean, I was just an open-miker, and they told us he was making 25 grand for the week.
02:46:58.000 You know, it all sold out. 0.58
02:47:01.000 I laughed so goddamn hard I couldn't breathe. 0.97
02:47:04.000 I mean, I just got caught up in his rhythm and he just beat the fuck out of me. 0.98
02:47:09.000 It was so good. 1.00
02:47:11.000 He was a monster. 0.61
02:47:11.000 Yeah, it was so good. 0.61
02:47:13.000 And even as an actor, think about a variety of roles he can play.
02:47:17.000 He did Beverly Hills Cop, but he also did Bowfinger.
02:47:21.000 Remember he played that dorky guy in Bowfinger with braces?
02:47:24.000 Oh, right, right, right.
02:47:25.000 The Steve Martin movie? 0.99
02:47:26.000 That was a fucking great movie. 0.99
02:47:28.000 It was a fun movie. 0.99
02:47:29.000 I remember that.
02:47:29.000 I saw that.
02:47:30.000 He was great in that.
02:47:31.000 He does all these things. 0.99
02:47:34.000 When he does those movies like The Nutty Professor and he plays two different characters and he puts a giant rubber suit on and shit. 0.99
02:47:40.000 Yeah, fucking hilarious. 1.00
02:47:42.000 Insane. 0.99
02:47:43.000 I wonder why I didn't have a better career.
02:47:46.000 I don't know if you want that.
02:47:48.000 Are they really?
02:47:50.000 Well, he still looks like he's 30. That's what's crazy, too.
02:47:54.000 He looks fantastic.
02:47:56.000 When you look at Eddie Murphy, he looks like he's 30 years old.
02:47:59.000 He's got to be 60, right?
02:48:00.000 He's got to be.
02:48:02.000 He's got to be 60. How old is he?
02:48:06.000 I want maybe 58. Let's say he's 58. 60. 60. He looks like he's fucking 30. You didn't even know it was in there.
02:48:15.000 I didn't even know it was in there.
02:48:16.000 I took a guess.
02:48:17.000 But he looks like he's 30. He looks amazing.
02:48:19.000 Yeah, I know he does.
02:48:20.000 That's a very unusual person. 0.95
02:48:23.000 So if he wanted to go back and do stand-up again, I really think he would go back and just murder. 0.98
02:48:28.000 I think he would murder. 0.71
02:48:30.000 But, you know, it's whatever he wants.
02:48:33.000 You know?
02:48:34.000 Yeah, you know, Martin quit because he figured out that he was really a parody of a comic and knew it and invented it and built that bridge and then didn't think it could be reinvented again, that he couldn't keep going down that same path and Yeah,
02:48:50.000 well, you get to be a different person as you get older, too, right?
02:48:53.000 Right.
02:48:54.000 I mean, you really are not the same person you were even five years ago.
02:48:58.000 And if you're this person that now you really don't want to be a comic anymore, and then you keep doing it, that's not going to be good.
02:49:05.000 Yeah, right.
02:49:06.000 But the thing is, try replacing that with something that is that exciting and that rewarding.
02:49:12.000 It's very hard.
02:49:16.000 Probably impossible.
02:49:18.000 It's people getting used to being in sports or whatever, having that live reaction to what you're doing and the love and all that energy that you feel that's transferred to you by those people that adore you when you're on stage.
02:49:30.000 Yeah, that'll be tough. 0.94
02:49:32.000 It's fucking hard. 0.95
02:49:33.000 And it's also like there's a weird connection you have to people. 0.98
02:49:38.000 It's a different kind of connection you have to the people in the world.
02:49:42.000 Like the way you interface with the world is very different than the way the average person interfaces with the world.
02:49:46.000 The average person is going places and people don't know who they are and they prove themselves over and over again with each interaction.
02:49:53.000 Where you go, everywhere you go, people know you're Ron White.
02:49:56.000 And you're like, you walk into place, oh, Ron White's here.
02:49:58.000 I love that guy.
02:50:00.000 You get a different vibe.
02:50:01.000 But I'm not famous like you are.
02:50:03.000 It's not the same thing.
02:50:05.000 Because of the way it all came up, I think most people don't have any idea who I am.
02:50:09.000 You drift by for the most part?
02:50:11.000 Huh?
02:50:11.000 You drift through?
02:50:12.000 Yeah.
02:50:12.000 Get around better?
02:50:13.000 Yeah.
02:50:14.000 And just nothing I did ever had that huge television-type exposure every week.
02:50:23.000 I'm the least famous guy ever.
02:50:27.000 At the Mirage, but I'm their top comic.
02:50:32.000 I mean, a lot of people, if they wanted to do more, you could own the place if you wanted to, but they still work me more because my fan base is big, just people don't know who I am if they're not part of it, you know, I guess.
02:50:47.000 Right, right, right.
02:50:48.000 Which is great, you know.
02:50:49.000 It's great.
02:50:51.000 It's a weird life.
02:50:54.000 It's a weird life, but it's the only life we know.
02:50:56.000 That's what's strange, you know?
02:50:59.000 Like, one of the weird things about show business and fame in general is that if you see someone who used to be famous, it's sad.
02:51:07.000 Yeah.
02:51:08.000 You know, people...
02:51:09.000 I had a guy...
02:51:10.000 This is a funny story.
02:51:11.000 It really did happen. 0.99
02:51:12.000 The guy was being a dick to me at CBS. He was working at CBS behind the cash register. 0.99
02:51:18.000 And he's like, your guy that was on that show, huh?
02:51:21.000 What happened to your show? 0.99
02:51:23.000 He was being a dick to me. 0.99
02:51:25.000 I go, yeah, it got cancelled. 0.99
02:51:26.000 Yeah, your show, what happened to it?
02:51:28.000 I go, it got cancelled.
02:51:29.000 I'm like, what is happening here?
02:51:31.000 You're working at CVS. You're the counter guy.
02:51:35.000 I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be, but you're giving me shit. 0.99
02:51:39.000 You think that it's fun? 1.00
02:51:41.000 He was like a dick. 0.99
02:51:42.000 He was like, for no reason. 1.00
02:51:43.000 I didn't say a word to the guy. 0.98
02:51:45.000 He just decided that it'd be fun to fuck with me that I used to be on a show. 0.96
02:51:49.000 I was like, wow, this is the strangest interaction I've ever had. 0.99
02:51:52.000 Talking about a guy with blinders on.
02:51:53.000 Yeah.
02:51:56.000 But if you see someone who used to be famous and now they're not, it's sad.
02:52:00.000 Yeah, it is.
02:52:01.000 But if you just see a regular person, it's not sad.
02:52:03.000 Well, unless they've done well with their money.
02:52:07.000 If you used to be famous and you got money, then that's not sad.
02:52:11.000 But if you're Gary Coleman and now you're working as a security guard. 0.93
02:52:14.000 Famous and broke is really fucking common and sad. 0.99
02:52:20.000 But I guess it's sad because you had a better situation and you fucked it up. 0.98
02:52:26.000 Yeah, you could have done something that would have, you know... 0.99
02:52:31.000 Kept you going. 1.00
02:52:32.000 Right, now you gotta kill yourself. 1.00
02:52:35.000 Or celebrity boxing. 1.00
02:52:37.000 Come on, Gary Coleman, the Celebrity Box?
02:52:40.000 He didn't, but some of those folks from back then did.
02:52:44.000 I mean, they're doing that again now, right?
02:52:46.000 Celebrity Rehab.
02:52:47.000 Yeah.
02:52:48.000 Very popular.
02:52:49.000 I probably could have gotten that.
02:52:50.000 Oh, you definitely could have gotten that.
02:52:53.000 It would have been perfect for you, especially if you had no intentions of really rehabilitating. 0.95
02:53:00.000 Celebrity rehab was ridiculous. 0.86
02:53:02.000 That is the worst place ever to be when you're going through recovery with cameras on you. 0.99
02:53:09.000 That's so terrible.
02:53:11.000 You want to talk about a show that was produced by people that clearly didn't care about the results?
02:53:16.000 That drove Stanhope crazy.
02:53:18.000 I think he even had a bit about it.
02:53:20.000 It drove Stanhope crazy that these people were doing this and trying to peddle it off like they're helping people with addiction problems. 1.00
02:53:29.000 You're using them, you're putting them on my fucking television. 0.99
02:53:31.000 It's not helping them at all to have the whole world see them with no makeup on, strung out, hungover, crying. 1.00
02:53:39.000 Talking about how you wasted all this money on pussy and cocaine. 1.00
02:53:42.000 Your kids don't want to talk to you on the phone. 1.00
02:53:45.000 Fuck, man. 1.00
02:53:47.000 That's not a good thing to be on television. 1.00
02:53:50.000 You're exploiting those people in a way.
02:53:54.000 It's the worst way to try to experience a tragic moment of your life, to do it in front of the whole world in a reality show where they edit it for sensationalism.
02:54:08.000 Yeah, it's brutal.
02:54:09.000 Those people are brutal.
02:54:10.000 That's for sure.
02:54:13.000 I could never figure out television, but I didn't try that hard.
02:54:18.000 I didn't spend that much time on it.
02:54:20.000 When I really got a big taste of it...
02:54:24.000 With a couple of development deals.
02:54:27.000 As opposed to how I did in stand-up, I just picked stand-up because at that point, if you're a club act and you've got a shot at TV, that's one thing.
02:54:40.000 But if you've got an established theater career, it's like you've got to drop a brass ring to get a brass ring when you've already got a brass ring. 0.98
02:54:49.000 It's like, fuck, I think I'm just going to hold on to this and let you guys fight that out.
02:54:53.000 There's this thing that happens when you start working in television again when you haven't for a while. 0.99
02:54:57.000 You realize, like, oh, there's so many people involved in these decisions.
02:55:00.000 And then some of them, I don't agree with what their sensibilities are.
02:55:04.000 We're in this weird quagmire here where I thought they were just going to let me be me and they're not.
02:55:09.000 Like, ugh.
02:55:10.000 Right.
02:55:11.000 Those folks that are doing those television shows, they're all worried.
02:55:15.000 If you say something crazy and people get mad at you, they lose their job.
02:55:20.000 How are they going to pay their mortgage?
02:55:22.000 So you have all these folks around you that are just trying not to lose it.
02:55:26.000 Don't tip the apple cart over, Ron White.
02:55:29.000 Come on, Ron.
02:55:29.000 I know you like to get crazy, but let's not get crazy on this show.
02:55:34.000 Yeah, I did a Tails gong show.
02:55:38.000 Oh, that's right.
02:55:39.000 He hosted the gong show.
02:55:40.000 Yeah, I did it twice.
02:55:42.000 No, I think I did it once.
02:55:44.000 But we filmed a couple shows.
02:55:45.000 And they wouldn't let me smoke.
02:55:49.000 My cigar, and they wouldn't let me have my character or whatever, what I do anyway, but I sell it off as a whatever.
02:55:57.000 They wouldn't let me do it.
02:55:58.000 And one of the contestants juggled fire on a unicycle. 0.99
02:56:04.000 And I'm like, I can't sit here and smoke a fucking cigar! 0.99
02:56:08.000 And it embarrassed Dave, I know, because I was shitty about it, and they were shittier about it. 0.99
02:56:15.000 And apparently, somewhere in that contract I didn't read, there was a segment about smoking, and they were going to... 0.92
02:56:21.000 And they were just so...
02:56:23.000 I did it, but I'm like...
02:56:26.000 Well, that's the problem.
02:56:27.000 Why would you hire me if you want a non-smoker? 0.96
02:56:29.000 The only way I would see that that would make any sense is if they had some sort of union regulation that applied to the theater that they were filming in, and they couldn't do anything about it.
02:56:38.000 Yeah, it's still a stage prop.
02:56:40.000 Look, I agree.
02:56:41.000 I mean, that's how they get away with it at comedy clubs. 1.00
02:56:43.000 I mean, Chappelle smokes all the fucking time. 0.99
02:56:46.000 He smokes everywhere. 1.00
02:56:47.000 I mean, that's how he gets away with it.
02:56:49.000 It's a comedy prop.
02:56:50.000 It's a stage prop.
02:56:52.000 But it's also an indication that you don't want to be working with those people.
02:56:58.000 Like, there's too many people.
02:56:59.000 Too many people's ideas.
02:57:00.000 If someone can actually say, hey, you, one of the funniest guys alive, whatever you do, I'm going to change some of that because I have an arbitrary rule, even though I have ventilation in this place and even though it's a cigar.
02:57:12.000 I have an arbitrary rule where I'm going to decide that you can't do that.
02:57:17.000 You know, in Canada, they all...
02:57:19.000 They really got to the point where I said, you know, a couple times I got fined $100.
02:57:25.000 I'm like, okay, I got it.
02:57:28.000 Are you smoking on stage?
02:57:29.000 Yeah, I'm smoking on stage.
02:57:30.000 That's perfect.
02:57:30.000 That's fine, $100.
02:57:31.000 I'm in.
02:57:32.000 Yeah.
02:57:32.000 Can I buy everybody coffee, too?
02:57:33.000 Yeah.
02:57:36.000 But in Canada, they were like, well, no, they actually hold all your money, and then they decide how much of it they're going to keep because you smoked at Massey Hall.
02:57:44.000 Oh, my God.
02:57:45.000 I'm like, okay, okay, okay, I won't do it.
02:57:48.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
02:57:50.000 Turns out it doesn't matter.
02:57:51.000 I could go out there for an hour. 1.00
02:57:54.000 Yeah, fuck. 1.00
02:57:58.000 It's, uh, you know. 1.00
02:58:00.000 You think anybody's still listening?
02:58:02.000 Yes.
02:58:03.000 You do?
02:58:03.000 There's like 30 people still.
02:58:06.000 These are long haulers.
02:58:08.000 Can you still say long haul because of COVID? You're allowed to say long haul and not have people think of long haul COVID? I think you can.
02:58:17.000 We just did.
02:58:19.000 All right.
02:58:19.000 Shall we wrap it up, Ron White?
02:58:20.000 We're going to go do a set, man.
02:58:22.000 So at some point, I got to go get fitted for a suit that I'm going to wear on Saturday. 0.99
02:58:26.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
02:58:27.000 Look at you. 1.00
02:58:27.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:58:28.000 Getting all tucked in and measured out.
02:58:30.000 All right.
02:58:31.000 I'll probably lose three or four more pounds by next week.
02:58:36.000 Nice.
02:58:37.000 I appreciate you, brother.
02:58:39.000 Thank you very much.
02:58:40.000 Thanks for being here.
02:58:40.000 Thanks for having me.
02:58:42.000 I always forget we're doing something.
02:58:43.000 Anytime.
02:58:44.000 Anytime you want to.
02:58:45.000 While you're in town, let's do it on a regular basis.
02:58:47.000 It's a living room, Hank.
02:58:49.000 Yes, exactly.
02:58:50.000 All right.
02:58:51.000 And next time, I got a little stoned, I gotta admit, in the mushroom.
02:58:56.000 It wasn't in a capsule.
02:58:58.000 I was kind of measuring it out. 0.98
02:59:00.000 So I got a little fucked up right there in the middle of it. 0.98
02:59:04.000 Yeah, we both were. 0.98
02:59:06.000 I think it worked out.
02:59:07.000 So I hope the fans enjoy it.
02:59:10.000 I can't imagine that 10 million people maybe will download it.
02:59:15.000 I don't know how many people will download it, but I hope they like it, too.
02:59:18.000 I hope, too.
02:59:20.000 Okay.
02:59:20.000 Bye bye.
02:59:21.000 Bye bye.
02:59:22.000 See ya.