The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1755 - Tony Woods

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:00:13.000 You're going to try to do the hat and the earphones?

00:00:16.000 How are you going to work this?

00:00:17.000 Because it's bad now.

00:00:18.000 See, it's Christmas.

00:00:19.000 I can't go get a haircut.

00:00:21.000 All of this, I got the shadow.

00:00:24.000 All you need is a mirror when you're doing your hair.

00:00:27.000 I cut my own hair.

00:00:28.000 So you go somewhere and get your head shaved?

00:00:30.000 I go somewhere, yeah.

00:00:31.000 It's just...

00:00:32.000 I don't know.

00:00:33.000 I guess it's just the...

00:00:34.000 Walking in, hey, what's up, Tom?

00:00:36.000 How you been, man?

00:00:37.000 Where's your next show at?

00:00:38.000 Social.

00:00:39.000 Yeah, it's that.

00:00:40.000 It's a social thing.

00:00:41.000 Yeah.

00:00:42.000 I'm anti-social in that way.

00:00:43.000 I just rather shave my own head.

00:00:45.000 So you really know Joe Rogan?

00:00:47.000 Hey, what?

00:00:50.000 You do all of that.

00:00:52.000 Well, that is the good thing about barbershops, the male beauty salon. 0.97

00:00:56.000 Dudes get to hang out and be dudes.

00:00:59.000 When did you start shaving your head?

00:01:02.000 It was a slow progression, because I would say, yo, just even it out with where it's fading away in the little sunroof back there.

00:01:11.000 And then after a while, my man said, yo.

00:01:14.000 It's over.

00:01:15.000 It's over, man.

00:01:16.000 Just rock a ball here.

00:01:18.000 Make it be like Damon Wayans.

00:01:19.000 Yeah.

00:01:20.000 I don't want to be like Damon Wayans.

00:01:23.000 You want to be like Tony Woods.

00:01:24.000 Yeah, and then cut it all off, I guess.

00:01:27.000 Well, it's just part of being old, my friend.

00:01:29.000 We have to embrace it.

00:01:30.000 How old are you now?

00:01:31.000 I'm 58. I'm 54. Jiminy Crickets. 0.76

00:01:34.000 It happens.

00:01:35.000 It creeps up on you.

00:01:36.000 And I remember the last show that we did.

00:01:39.000 Where was it?

00:01:40.000 It was in the Bronx.

00:01:41.000 It was at a college, right?

00:01:43.000 And whenever somebody's ripping, I just...

00:01:47.000 Because I don't want to watch and it get in my head, you know?

00:01:50.000 Right.

00:01:50.000 And some comedians think, oh, you didn't see my set.

00:01:53.000 I don't want to watch your set, dog.

00:01:55.000 And you up there, you like... 0.86

00:02:00.000 You were doing something about girls who sound like a cockatoo. 1.00

00:02:04.000 Oh, you know, it was girls with crazy big hair. 1.00

00:02:07.000 And you was like...

00:02:08.000 And they were screaming.

00:02:10.000 I'm like, I gotta go outside.

00:02:12.000 I don't know what he's talking about, but I gotta go outside.

00:02:16.000 The Bronx, huh?

00:02:17.000 A college in the Bronx?

00:02:19.000 Yeah, it was...

00:02:19.000 Man, I don't even remember that.

00:02:21.000 If somebody asked me, did you ever do a college in the Bronx?

00:02:22.000 I'd be like, nah.

00:02:23.000 Yeah, it was right on the one and the nine.

00:02:25.000 Yeah.

00:02:26.000 Yeah, it's me, you, um...

00:02:31.000 I can't remember, but I just remember you like, and you going back and forth like, and they were screaming like, okay, I don't know what that joke is.

00:02:42.000 Gotta get out of here.

00:02:43.000 I gotta get out of here.

00:02:43.000 I gotta get out of there if someone's bombing too.

00:02:45.000 I can't watch that.

00:02:46.000 Yeah, that is, yeah. 0.98

00:02:48.000 That fucks with my head because then I think nothing's funny. 0.97

00:02:51.000 But I guess because I done got, been in the game, I can bomb gracefully. 0.99

00:02:57.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:02:57.000 Yeah.

00:02:58.000 Like my engines go out.

00:02:59.000 Right.

00:03:01.000 He can glide in.

00:03:03.000 Yeah, he can glide in.

00:03:04.000 And that'll mess up the next guy. 0.93

00:03:06.000 Because the next guy come and go...

00:03:08.000 What'd you do to the room, man?

00:03:11.000 I peed on the floor, shorty. 0.59

00:03:15.000 There's some bombings, though, where it's the crowd.

00:03:18.000 Like, the crowd is just whatever it is.

00:03:20.000 There's no energy in the room.

00:03:21.000 But there's some bombings.

00:03:23.000 It's the comedian.

00:03:24.000 And when it's the comedian, I gotta get out of there.

00:03:27.000 If it's the crowd, I'm like, I want to go up there and wake him up.

00:03:30.000 But if it's the comedian, there's something in my head that's like nothing is funny.

00:03:34.000 Like, I can't watch someone as terrible.

00:03:38.000 Because some guys, I call it like a technician.

00:03:44.000 Like, this is the formula, this is how you do it.

00:03:47.000 And like, dude, obviously, that's not working tonight, right?

00:03:50.000 Yeah, do a little crowd work, do this, do that.

00:03:53.000 Mix it up.

00:03:53.000 Mix it up, man, because they're not known.

00:03:57.000 Yeah.

00:03:58.000 Well, don't you think that's the beauty of doing a bunch of different places, like doing the road a little bit in Pennsylvania, you do a gig in Florida, you do a little of this, do a little of that, and the more you do that.

00:04:10.000 I love that.

00:04:10.000 Like, back in the day when we were in New York, I used to go, I used to say, I'm going to the Caribbean, so I'd go out to Brooklyn.

00:04:17.000 You know, mostly Caribbean crowds, and then you do the downtown.

00:04:21.000 Like, remember the place we used to do, I think Ludlow or something?

00:04:24.000 It was like alternative comedy.

00:04:27.000 Where was that?

00:04:27.000 It was someplace, like Todd Berry used to just rip in there.

00:04:34.000 You know, like, they wanted it real subtle and real soft.

00:04:38.000 Yeah, real soft, and I would go, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy with the laughs.

00:04:41.000 It's alternative comedy.

00:04:43.000 Isn't that funny?

00:04:44.000 They got mad if you tried hard.

00:04:46.000 If you just smash it.

00:04:48.000 They didn't like it. 0.96

00:04:49.000 Stop with the cockatoo, baby.

00:04:50.000 Cut it out.

00:04:53.000 That's a thing.

00:04:54.000 That's a thing.

00:04:55.000 They wanted you to slow down.

00:04:57.000 It's almost like they didn't want to race.

00:04:58.000 They wanted to fast walk.

00:04:59.000 We're just fast walking, Tony.

00:05:01.000 Don't be jogging.

00:05:02.000 And when we did that thing in the Bronx, it was mainly Latino Puerto Rican crowd.

00:05:08.000 And they wanted loud.

00:05:10.000 And you was kicking it.

00:05:14.000 You was parading back and forth.

00:05:18.000 That's when you looked like Tony Dancer from Taxi.

00:05:22.000 You was killing it.

00:05:23.000 Back in the day, without a full head of hair and everything.

00:05:26.000 Yeah, you was...

00:05:29.000 Tony Danza, there's a reference.

00:05:31.000 That's funny.

00:05:31.000 The one from Taxi, not the one from Who's the Boss.

00:05:34.000 Oh, the different one.

00:05:35.000 When I first saw you, that's who you reminded me of.

00:05:37.000 That's funny.

00:05:39.000 But now, dawg, you're like the young, what's his name?

00:05:44.000 What's the dude's name?

00:05:46.000 He's the old, biggest, best guy at it.

00:05:50.000 Larry King.

00:05:51.000 Oh.

00:05:52.000 He's dead.

00:05:53.000 He's not just old.

00:05:54.000 Larry King's dead.

00:05:56.000 My bad.

00:05:57.000 I think COVID got him.

00:05:58.000 I don't know.

00:05:59.000 Is that what happened to him?

00:06:00.000 Did COVID get him?

00:06:02.000 Well, he was...

00:06:03.000 Life was getting him.

00:06:04.000 I mean, last time I saw Larry, he was like a skeleton.

00:06:08.000 He was hunched over.

00:06:09.000 His posture was terrible.

00:06:11.000 It was like he was, you know...

00:06:13.000 Wasn't in the best of health.

00:06:14.000 Very nice guy.

00:06:15.000 And I'm going to tell you something, man.

00:06:16.000 For years, like randomly, people go, yo, they were talking about you on the Joe Rogan Show.

00:06:21.000 And I'm like, what's that?

00:06:24.000 Because I'm just kind of not in the loop.

00:06:27.000 Right.

00:06:28.000 So I started my own podcast.

00:06:30.000 It's called The Lonely Ass Bike Club.

00:06:33.000 I just ride my bike, put my phone on there, I go on FaceTime, I mean Facebook Live, and I just talk.

00:06:39.000 While you're riding your bike?

00:06:40.000 While I'm riding my bike, I just talk about stuff.

00:06:42.000 That's a cool idea.

00:06:42.000 You see my face, and whatever's on my mind just pops up.

00:06:46.000 I like that.

00:06:46.000 And I've been doing that.

00:06:48.000 Well, for about two or three years.

00:06:49.000 But I also have a podcast.

00:06:51.000 We had a group.

00:06:52.000 And it was called First Episode Again with Tony Woods.

00:06:56.000 So I was like, if things ain't going right, don't worry.

00:06:59.000 It's the first episode.

00:07:00.000 We got this, right?

00:07:01.000 Right.

00:07:01.000 And I had a woman, Maya.

00:07:04.000 I had a guy who's a lawyer.

00:07:05.000 Another guy who's like...

00:07:07.000 His name is Chavis.

00:07:08.000 So he's like... 1.00

00:07:09.000 As if we were on a bus, he's a guy in the back, and you're talking about something interesting, and then he'll scream out, oh, that's because of Global Woman, motherfucker! 1.00

00:07:18.000 You know he may be right. 1.00

00:07:21.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:07:21.000 He just has a...

00:07:23.000 Yeah.

00:07:24.000 So it's him and...

00:07:26.000 And we were doing...

00:07:27.000 It was going good.

00:07:28.000 I think the main guy got tired.

00:07:31.000 Yeah, just got tired of doing it?

00:07:33.000 Yeah, because it became a job.

00:07:35.000 Like, oh, remember, we got to meet at this time.

00:07:37.000 Like, ah!

00:07:38.000 Yeah, but that's the thing that fucks comics up more than anything is the consistency.

00:07:42.000 Yeah.

00:07:43.000 Consistency of, you know, doing shows and just showing up.

00:07:47.000 No one ever complains at the Lonely Ass Bike Club Chronicles podcast.

00:07:52.000 Because it's just you.

00:07:53.000 It's just me.

00:07:54.000 Nobody ever says, you late again.

00:07:55.000 Nobody ever says that.

00:07:57.000 Nobody ever says, slow down, you're riding too fast.

00:08:00.000 When you have a group of people, like a couple people together, and they start doing a podcast, there's always one person who wants to do it more than the other person.

00:08:06.000 One person who has a vision, and the other person's like, man, I don't want to do it today.

00:08:10.000 I think it was Maya.

00:08:12.000 Big shout out to Maya.

00:08:13.000 She had a big... 0.99

00:08:14.000 Not Maya the girl, you know, but Maya who was on. 0.79

00:08:18.000 Right, got it.

00:08:18.000 Because she would have notes, and then she would say, did you watch it?

00:08:22.000 Did you watch it?

00:08:23.000 The one we did yesterday, I'm like...

00:08:26.000 Oh, she wants to review them.

00:08:27.000 I'm like, I don't watch my own comedy.

00:08:30.000 I don't watch my own podcasts.

00:08:33.000 I can't watch my...

00:08:34.000 I'm like, when I hear my own voice, I'm like, oh, is he drunk or something?

00:08:42.000 This guy is on drugs, man.

00:08:47.000 That's one thing that comedians have in common is that we all hate our own voice.

00:08:54.000 We all hate watching ourselves.

00:08:56.000 And then people see me sometimes in the grocery store and I think they think they're making me feel good.

00:09:02.000 They go, oh man, you really talk like that. 1.00

00:09:05.000 Like you drunk or kind of stupid. 1.00

00:09:09.000 Thank you. 1.00

00:09:10.000 Thank you, motherfucker. 1.00

00:09:16.000 Yeah, we all listen to ourselves, though. 1.00

00:09:19.000 When you listen to your own special, you're just like, because you know all this shit. 0.99

00:09:22.000 You know what you're going to say, so you heard it already. 0.99

00:09:24.000 So it's not surprising.

00:09:25.000 So it's just boring.

00:09:27.000 You're like, oh, this isn't good.

00:09:28.000 And you really hate when you leave something out.

00:09:30.000 Yes.

00:09:31.000 You're like, I was supposed to say this.

00:09:32.000 But everybody's like, oh, it's good. 1.00

00:09:34.000 No, fuck that. 1.00

00:09:35.000 I was supposed to say that. 1.00

00:09:36.000 Right.

00:09:37.000 The worst is when you record something and then you keep doing the bit because the special hasn't come out yet.

00:09:42.000 And then you make up new taglines.

00:09:45.000 You're like, ah!

00:09:47.000 They want to go back and redo the bit.

00:09:49.000 Yeah.

00:09:51.000 You got something coming out soon, right?

00:09:53.000 I think.

00:09:55.000 Don't you?

00:09:56.000 Don't you?

00:09:57.000 I do, yeah.

00:09:57.000 Don't you have a special coming out?

00:09:58.000 When is it?

00:09:59.000 I don't know yet.

00:10:00.000 You don't know?

00:10:00.000 We're still looking for a venue.

00:10:02.000 So, because I don't want to do it like in a blah, blah, a big grandiose place.

00:10:07.000 Do it at a comedy club?

00:10:08.000 Yeah, and I just did a comedy club in Wilmington, North Carolina.

00:10:12.000 It's called The Dead Crow.

00:10:14.000 Right, which, yeah, you don't even think that's a comedy cover.

00:10:17.000 They redid it.

00:10:18.000 You ever been there before? 0.94

00:10:19.000 No, but I mean like The Laughing Skull's a great place and that's got a fucked up name too. 0.61

00:10:23.000 And I like the one in Denver.

00:10:26.000 Comedy Works?

00:10:27.000 Yeah, the one with the oxygen pumped in.

00:10:30.000 Really?

00:10:31.000 There's oxygen?

00:10:31.000 I feel like a casino when I'm in there.

00:10:33.000 Which place is that?

00:10:34.000 It's the one downtown.

00:10:36.000 Yeah, that has oxygen pumped into it?

00:10:37.000 Have you ever had a bad set there?

00:10:40.000 It's a good place.

00:10:41.000 I think it's just got good vibes.

00:10:42.000 And everybody's having a ball.

00:10:44.000 That's true.

00:10:44.000 But they're all accustomed to that air.

00:10:46.000 I don't know, dawg.

00:10:48.000 You think it's like a casino?

00:10:49.000 I don't know.

00:10:50.000 Because I feel like, double down!

00:10:52.000 Let's keep it moving, man.

00:10:53.000 Because you know when you're in a casino, how long have you been there?

00:10:56.000 About 20 minutes.

00:10:58.000 Well, it's 4am.

00:11:00.000 My bad.

00:11:02.000 I don't know if that's true.

00:11:05.000 Do you think they really do pump oxygen into casinos?

00:11:07.000 Okay, don't say that I said it.

00:11:10.000 No, but I've heard it.

00:11:11.000 I've heard it.

00:11:12.000 I've heard people say it.

00:11:13.000 Let's find out.

00:11:14.000 Do they pump oxygen into casinos?

00:11:17.000 Oh, into casinos?

00:11:18.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:11:18.000 Do they definitely do, 100%?

00:11:20.000 It doesn't seek out because there ain't no windows.

00:11:23.000 Well, I know they have air filtration because everybody's smoking, but you don't see smoke everywhere.

00:11:27.000 So there must be some movement of the air.

00:11:30.000 Well, what about comedy works?

00:11:33.000 I don't think they're pumping oxygen in there.

00:11:35.000 I just think it's a great room.

00:11:37.000 I'm sure you've heard the myth that oxygen is pumped into casinos to give people more energy and keep them awake.

00:11:43.000 This is, in fact, the enduring Las Vegas myth of all time.

00:11:46.000 There's no doubt that the casinos keep the air chilly to give that same effect, but there's no mechanism actually pumping extra oxygen into the system.

00:11:56.000 Well, now we know.

00:11:57.000 And when I got the jackpot, when I did the cellar in Vegas the last time, and I hit the jackpot by accident, I won five Gs.

00:12:04.000 And guess what?

00:12:05.000 The woman who just popped up, who thought I was such an interesting person, was not a hooker. 1.00

00:12:11.000 Really?

00:12:12.000 Hmm.

00:12:13.000 Interesting.

00:12:14.000 Yeah.

00:12:15.000 Oxygen.

00:12:18.000 She just happened to pump over. 1.00

00:12:20.000 I just saw you sitting here and I just thought you were such an interesting person.

00:12:23.000 Oh.

00:12:25.000 You smell that oxygen, baby?

00:12:29.000 Ding, ding, [...

00:12:31.000 I don't know.

00:12:32.000 That's Tony Woods and that's how he really talks.

00:12:34.000 Yeah.

00:12:36.000 And the real thing is I had a speech impediment as a child.

00:12:41.000 And they just said, you know, because they get excited.

00:12:49.000 Yeah, nothing was coming out.

00:12:51.000 They just said, just think about it and sing it out.

00:12:55.000 Yeah, so I said...

00:13:00.000 Joe!

00:13:01.000 But you get older and stuff.

00:13:03.000 And my middle son, he had that too.

00:13:07.000 He hated it because everybody loved the way he talked.

00:13:10.000 He was like, can I? Go to McDonald's?

00:13:15.000 So he would just say it out.

00:13:16.000 But by then, we passed McDonald's.

00:13:21.000 So it wasn't a stutter, it was just like a pause?

00:13:25.000 A pause.

00:13:26.000 Your brain is working faster than your mouth.

00:13:29.000 Isn't it funny that that actually helps in comedy?

00:13:32.000 Yes.

00:13:33.000 That pause, that sort of embodied your style.

00:13:37.000 As a matter of fact, I heard a comedian complain about it one time.

00:13:42.000 He complained about your style?

00:13:43.000 He said, look at him. 0.79

00:13:45.000 He's killing.

00:13:46.000 And he only went, eh.

00:13:51.000 Because, you know, sometimes we go...

00:13:53.000 Yeah.

00:13:54.000 And he's killing, and all he said was...

00:13:57.000 That's hilarious that someone would complain that you're doing so great.

00:14:00.000 Yeah.

00:14:01.000 With a slow style, slow, easy-going style.

00:14:05.000 Yeah.

00:14:06.000 So good.

00:14:06.000 You influenced a lot of guys, man.

00:14:08.000 You really did.

00:14:10.000 You influenced a lot of guys.

00:14:11.000 I remember watching you, and there's certain...

00:14:14.000 I remember always being awkward.

00:14:15.000 I always felt awkward on stage.

00:14:17.000 I had to get the jokes out quick.

00:14:19.000 Like, God, I want a bomb.

00:14:20.000 Get the jokes out quick.

00:14:21.000 You pace the stage.

00:14:22.000 Yeah.

00:14:23.000 And then I remember watching you.

00:14:25.000 I'm like, God, he's so calm and casual up there.

00:14:27.000 You remember you woke me up one time?

00:14:29.000 I woke you up?

00:14:30.000 Yeah.

00:14:30.000 I remember I used to sleep in the back of the Boston Comedy Club.

00:14:32.000 Okay, yeah.

00:14:33.000 And somebody would go, hey, tell Tony he's next.

00:14:35.000 Right.

00:14:36.000 And you'd be like, hey, man, you next.

00:14:37.000 I'm like...

00:14:39.000 Dude.

00:14:41.000 You were sleeping?

00:14:42.000 I'm sleeping.

00:14:43.000 When they call my name, I'll wake up, man.

00:14:46.000 You wake up right before you go on stage.

00:14:47.000 What are you doing?

00:14:48.000 That's hilarious.

00:14:50.000 That little corner back there, the Boston Comic Club.

00:14:53.000 I was always tired, man.

00:14:57.000 I think I have PS2. Something's going on.

00:15:00.000 What's PS2? It's what you get when you go to the military.

00:15:04.000 What is it?

00:15:05.000 It's not PlayStation.

00:15:07.000 It's more serious than that.

00:15:08.000 Because when you guys met me, I was just getting back from the dessert.

00:15:12.000 So, and I don't know, I'm just always tired.

00:15:16.000 I thought I had narcolepsy, but I would, you know, if I was driving and the music wasn't on or the window wasn't down, I hit gravel.

00:15:25.000 So were you in Desert Storm?

00:15:27.000 Yeah, the first one, the Gulf War.

00:15:29.000 So there are a lot of people in that war, they had that Gulf War syndrome.

00:15:33.000 Yeah, and they all go...

00:15:34.000 No, I ain't gone.

00:15:35.000 I don't know what I got.

00:15:37.000 I just...

00:15:37.000 But you came back and you were more tired?

00:15:40.000 Yeah, but I used to be like super energetic.

00:15:43.000 Like if you watch my old...

00:15:45.000 But I slept more too and stuff.

00:15:48.000 I don't know.

00:15:49.000 I don't know!

00:15:50.000 But you remember, uh, what's his name?

00:15:53.000 Uh, Jeff?

00:15:55.000 Jeff Ross?

00:15:56.000 No.

00:15:56.000 No, he passed away.

00:15:58.000 Hey, Tony.

00:15:59.000 How you doing?

00:16:01.000 Hey, man.

00:16:02.000 Hey, good to see you again, Tony.

00:16:05.000 Oh, I know what you're talking about.

00:16:07.000 Vic Henley.

00:16:08.000 Vic Henley.

00:16:09.000 It's me, Vic Henley, and a little guy.

00:16:13.000 I forgot his name, Chris something, but he was a little guy.

00:16:17.000 And we were doing Birmingham, Alabama.

00:16:20.000 And I was a feature.

00:16:22.000 And the lady says, Tony, you got an emergency phone call in the office?

00:16:25.000 And I'm like, you know, I'm thinking, is it my mom?

00:16:28.000 Is it my ex-wife?

00:16:30.000 You know, something.

00:16:31.000 She says, he's a man.

00:16:32.000 I'm like...

00:16:33.000 I just figured it was one of my buddies who wanted to come to the show for free or something like that.

00:16:39.000 I did my spot.

00:16:40.000 You know, you do 20 minutes in the middle.

00:16:43.000 I think maybe 30 or 40. I didn't see the light.

00:16:47.000 And then I come off.

00:16:49.000 Vic does an hour.

00:16:50.000 Boom.

00:16:51.000 We're about to go out and get something to eat.

00:16:52.000 And she says, Tony, they're still holding for you.

00:16:58.000 What?

00:17:01.000 I went and picked up the phone.

00:17:03.000 I'm like, hello?

00:17:04.000 He goes, Petty Officer Woods.

00:17:05.000 I'm like, let me go get him.

00:17:08.000 Like that.

00:17:09.000 He goes, I know that's you, Woods.

00:17:13.000 So he had to contact me.

00:17:15.000 So once he contacted me, I had to go.

00:17:19.000 I was supposed to go from there to Key West.

00:17:21.000 So that phone call, the hold, was just to get you to go overseas?

00:17:24.000 Yeah, that's called being activated.

00:17:27.000 Oh, so they had to just wait.

00:17:29.000 Yeah.

00:17:30.000 It's a phone call to activate you.

00:17:32.000 So if you just don't answer the phone, you never get activated?

00:17:34.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:17:34.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:17:35.000 Yeah, I know! 1.00

00:17:36.000 I know, man!

00:17:37.000 I know!

00:17:38.000 I mean, they would have got me eventually, but it would have been nice to get me after Key West.

00:17:44.000 Right.

00:17:45.000 Yeah, because we're doing Ocala, Florida, then Fort Myers, and then Key West.

00:17:50.000 I've never been to Key West, but I hear it's amazing.

00:17:52.000 It is.

00:17:53.000 It's nice, but it's like no beach.

00:17:55.000 Really?

00:17:56.000 I mean, if you stay at a hotel or something, they might have their own little private beach.

00:18:03.000 Back in the day when I was stationed down there, it was, you know, beaches everywhere, but the place wasn't as full as it is now.

00:18:09.000 It kind of smells kind of Newark-ish.

00:18:11.000 Newark-ish?

00:18:12.000 Yeah, because it's too many people.

00:18:14.000 Oh, right.

00:18:14.000 Like, with the sewage and stuff like that.

00:18:16.000 So the sewage is going into the ocean?

00:18:18.000 Yeah.

00:18:19.000 On one side of the island, it's like, mmm.

00:18:21.000 How weird is that, that we just dump our sewage right into the ocean?

00:18:25.000 But the other little islands, the best thing is the drive.

00:18:28.000 Like you leave from Miami or Fort Lauderdale or something like that, get a car and just cruise down and just stop at little seafood shacks and stuff and have what will cost $200 at a regular restaurant.

00:18:42.000 You're hitting it.

00:18:44.000 It's a three-hour drive, two-lane highway, and you can stop, go fishing, go swimming, do whatever.

00:18:51.000 It's just dope.

00:18:53.000 I've never been.

00:18:54.000 I keep hearing great things about it.

00:18:56.000 You hear the people down there.

00:18:58.000 It's basically not America.

00:19:00.000 It's like they're island living.

00:19:03.000 Relaxed.

00:19:04.000 Bahama village.

00:19:05.000 And they have a Caribbean accent and everything.

00:19:10.000 It's like driving to the Caribbean, no lie.

00:19:13.000 You have a good time, you go down there.

00:19:15.000 Whereas Key West would be, bang, New York City.

00:19:18.000 But all the little sleepy ones on the way are dope. 0.89

00:19:23.000 So is Key West crowded now?

00:19:25.000 Yeah, it's kind of crowded.

00:19:26.000 I was down there in the summer.

00:19:28.000 Because everybody knows about it?

00:19:30.000 As a matter of fact, the last time I was down there, I saw a place and they had temporary tattoos.

00:19:38.000 I'm like, ah, that'd be nice.

00:19:40.000 Get a temporary tattoo, right?

00:19:41.000 And then I see this little girl.

00:19:43.000 She's getting like a unicorn or something on her face. 0.80

00:19:46.000 And boom, who do I see?

00:19:48.000 Iron Mike.

00:19:49.000 Tyson?

00:19:50.000 No.

00:19:50.000 I'm like, yo, give me the Mike Tyson one.

00:19:53.000 Oh, okay.

00:19:54.000 Boom.

00:19:55.000 And she said, do you want temporary or henna?

00:19:58.000 I'm like, of course, temporary.

00:20:01.000 I didn't know.

00:20:03.000 The temporary is temporary is tattoo ink.

00:20:07.000 Whereas the henna will go away in like two days. 0.99

00:20:10.000 I had that shit on for a week and a half. 1.00

00:20:14.000 I went to my class reunion with it. 1.00

00:20:16.000 I'm sure it's here.

00:20:18.000 But it was cool.

00:20:21.000 It was a conversation piece.

00:20:23.000 And just like him, I got used to it.

00:20:25.000 And then it was like, yeah.

00:20:27.000 And then it faded away on me, son.

00:20:29.000 But I went to my class reunion.

00:20:31.000 My high school class reunion was back in October.

00:20:35.000 A buddy of mine called me.

00:20:36.000 He says, you're coming to the reunion this year.

00:20:38.000 I'm like, if I'm in town, I'll come.

00:20:40.000 He says, but you know, you're going to come to the 40th one?

00:20:43.000 I'm like, yeah, when it come up.

00:20:45.000 He goes, this is the 40th one.

00:20:47.000 I'm like, no.

00:20:48.000 I'm like, we just did the 21. Right?

00:20:51.000 And I graduated in 81. Isn't that crazy when you do the math?

00:20:56.000 Yeah, man.

00:20:57.000 What happened, Tony?

00:20:58.000 When you see Mike Tyson in person, you don't even notice that tattoo.

00:21:01.000 That's what's weird.

00:21:02.000 No, I don't, man.

00:21:03.000 You have to think about it.

00:21:06.000 I saw his...

00:21:07.000 He's the first one I watched, man.

00:21:11.000 And it was so good.

00:21:12.000 And like...

00:21:15.000 You know how people assume that he's not, but I'm like, that dude, the way he fights, he's gotta be smart.

00:21:23.000 And then, when he did comedy, his comedy special was better than a lot of Comedians.

00:21:29.000 Oh, you mean that one-hour thing that he did where he talked about his life?

00:21:33.000 Yeah.

00:21:33.000 He did like a live show?

00:21:35.000 Yeah.

00:21:35.000 No, he's very smart.

00:21:37.000 Yeah, man.

00:21:37.000 Mike's very smart.

00:21:38.000 He's just, you know, he's a professional boxer. 0.77

00:21:41.000 And he's had a crazy-ass life.

00:21:43.000 But you have to be intelligent to be able to perform under pressure the way he did. 0.59

00:21:47.000 Yeah.

00:21:48.000 You have to be able to manage that.

00:21:50.000 People think that, you know, that that's not hard to do.

00:21:53.000 That's insanely hard to do.

00:21:55.000 And he's managing movement and speed and technique and he's doing it all against the best boxers in the world at this time.

00:22:01.000 And everybody was way bigger than him.

00:22:03.000 Way bigger.

00:22:04.000 I mean, Mike is only like an inch taller than me.

00:22:07.000 I saw him in there.

00:22:08.000 Yeah, he's not that tall.

00:22:09.000 Maybe two inches taller than me.

00:22:11.000 He might be like 5'10". 1.00

00:22:13.000 As wide as a fucking building. 1.00

00:22:16.000 But when he was in his prime, the beautiful thing about that was that he would bob and weave and duck under shit. 1.00

00:22:22.000 Like, people would be throwing punches and he was nowhere near them. 0.99

00:22:25.000 He was so good.

00:22:26.000 I like when he said, uh, that was good comedy timing when you said, yo, man, I saw this amazing video, you did this, you did that, you did that. 0.98

00:22:34.000 Yeah, man, I was fucked up for a week after that. 0.97

00:22:38.000 That's true. 0.99

00:22:39.000 Yeah.

00:22:40.000 I was like, that's me.

00:22:41.000 Because people say, man, I saw you on Facebook riding your bike.

00:22:44.000 He said, you really did like 100 miles.

00:22:47.000 I'm like, yeah. 0.98

00:22:49.000 I was fucked up for the next week. 0.94

00:22:51.000 I had sciatica and all this other... 0.99

00:22:53.000 Well, you were talking to me about how you had your bike fitted to you.

00:22:56.000 I didn't know that you get bikes fitted.

00:22:58.000 Yeah, well, I used to be a bike messenger, all that stuff.

00:23:01.000 I always got crossbars and stuff like that, and I just never thought about it.

00:23:06.000 Because when you're a bike messenger, you stop and go and stop and go all day long.

00:23:10.000 But I was riding, and I bought this bike in Dubai when I was over in Dubai.

00:23:14.000 And the bikes are way cheaper because America marked them up 300%.

00:23:19.000 So I got this really nice road bike.

00:23:21.000 Did you have to ship it over here?

00:23:23.000 Yeah, I shipped it over.

00:23:24.000 But, you know, it came like golf clubs or something.

00:23:27.000 You don't have to pay for it, you know.

00:23:29.000 So I'm riding, and this other guy, who's obviously a bicyclist, he goes, because I'm doing like this, he goes, hey, man, that's a nice bike.

00:23:40.000 You need to get it fitted.

00:23:42.000 I'm like, what?

00:23:43.000 I'm like, this is my height.

00:23:44.000 I know what my...

00:23:45.000 He says, no, you need to get it fitted.

00:23:47.000 And then he was showing me.

00:23:48.000 He's like, you go get it fitted.

00:23:50.000 I'm like, how much does that cost?

00:23:51.000 He said, between $2 and $4, it depends on where you go.

00:23:55.000 I'm like, $2 and $400 for somebody to tell me to adjust.

00:23:59.000 But like she was saying out there, it's really intense.

00:24:02.000 You're up on a machine and they're doing this and everything.

00:24:06.000 The pedal stroke...

00:24:08.000 Like, if your things on your pedals are not long enough, they'll either lengthen them or shorten them.

00:24:14.000 So it's like a nice suit to wear.

00:24:17.000 Because you see them guys like...

00:24:19.000 Right.

00:24:20.000 Them guys who ride in the park and go, on your left. 1.00

00:24:24.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:24:25.000 You could have went around me. 1.00

00:24:26.000 You just had to announce that he's right there.

00:24:28.000 On your left.

00:24:31.000 Like that.

00:24:33.000 Professionals.

00:24:34.000 Yeah.

00:24:35.000 Dudes are really into it.

00:24:36.000 Yeah.

00:24:36.000 So it made a big difference though when they fitted it for you?

00:24:39.000 No.

00:24:39.000 But I was already hurting.

00:24:42.000 The guy who did the fitting, he says, bicycling is not supposed to hurt.

00:24:48.000 You should go to the doctor.

00:24:50.000 And I was like, I want to go.

00:24:52.000 I'm scared.

00:24:52.000 I didn't say that.

00:24:53.000 So were you getting sciatica?

00:24:54.000 Yeah.

00:24:55.000 So come to find out from the accident, remember Angelo Lozada, rest in peace.

00:25:01.000 Yeah.

00:25:02.000 Angelo Lozada, Eric Nieves.

00:25:04.000 We did a show in Jersey one night.

00:25:06.000 It was like 2001, something like that.

00:25:10.000 And, you know, I'm in the backseat and we're driving and they're speaking Spanish in the front.

00:25:14.000 They're not arguing, but it's getting faster and faster and faster.

00:25:18.000 They're just speaking.

00:25:20.000 And these girls are supposed to be following us. 1.00

00:25:22.000 We run like two or three red lights.

00:25:24.000 I'm like, yo, we all been drinking.

00:25:26.000 We're in Jersey.

00:25:26.000 Come on, you know, watch yourself.

00:25:29.000 Next thing I know, I'm like...

00:25:30.000 Because I'm hitting the ceiling.

00:25:32.000 Because we're on the sidewalk, baby.

00:25:35.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:25:36.000 Hey, Eric Neves. 1.00

00:25:40.000 Yeah, that's because I've been fucking with him for 20 years. 0.98

00:25:44.000 But every... 0.99

00:25:46.000 Because this sciatica thing, this whiplash thing, is like cicadas.

00:25:53.000 You've been injured before, and sometimes it's just nice and smooth, man.

00:25:58.000 You could get flipped off a chair or something like that, boom, nothing.

00:26:02.000 And then one day, you reach for a pin. 1.00

00:26:04.000 That shit goes, ah! 1.00

00:26:07.000 Cicadas are back, motherfucker. 1.00

00:26:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:10.000 You know people eat cicadas?

00:26:12.000 I know.

00:26:13.000 A lot of people eat them.

00:26:15.000 They have recipes for them online.

00:26:16.000 I went down a rabbit hole on YouTube and I started looking at people cooking cicadas.

00:26:21.000 They cook them in the oven.

00:26:22.000 They had all these teriyaki mixes.

00:26:25.000 It would brine them and cover them in salt and bake them. 0.97

00:26:30.000 I don't know, man.

00:26:31.000 They seem to be delicious.

00:26:33.000 I've eaten...

00:26:35.000 Grasshoppers?

00:26:37.000 The chocolate-covered ants.

00:26:38.000 I've had that.

00:26:39.000 But we did Okinawa one time, and we did...

00:26:44.000 Me and Shang Forbes and Reggie McFadden, and I forgot who else.

00:26:49.000 But they had street food on the...

00:26:51.000 You know, you...

00:26:52.000 This is delicious.

00:26:54.000 And in your mouth, you just feel a shape.

00:26:57.000 Right.

00:26:59.000 And I spit it out, and it was like...

00:27:03.000 The side of a mouse, like, long ways.

00:27:07.000 It was, you know, like, if he's like this, it's just his, like, he had been cut there in the middle, I went, ah!

00:27:15.000 Is he eating mice?

00:27:16.000 And I said something to the lady, she's like...

00:27:22.000 What? 0.99

00:27:23.000 You asked for the fucking mix, right? 1.00

00:27:25.000 That's the mix! 1.00

00:27:26.000 That's the mix, bitch! 1.00

00:27:28.000 That's the mix! 1.00

00:27:30.000 Chicken, beef, mouse, and...

00:27:34.000 Uh-oh, dog was in there too.

00:27:38.000 I'm opposed to that.

00:27:39.000 I'll eat a cat, but I won't eat a dog.

00:27:42.000 Wait, you know how you go over there and you sit at the little things Indian style and you eat the street food and they just give you a whole bunch of samples and stuff?

00:27:49.000 That was the mix.

00:27:51.000 That was another time.

00:27:52.000 I was eating it and I'm like, this is good.

00:27:54.000 What is this one right here?

00:27:55.000 And then she said something to the, what's it called?

00:27:59.000 Liaison.

00:27:59.000 Like that.

00:28:02.000 And he go, do you have a pet?

00:28:07.000 And I said, okay, I'm not going to eat no more of that. 0.99

00:28:10.000 I don't even want to fucking know. 0.97

00:28:13.000 I don't want to know. 0.99

00:28:14.000 I don't want to eat no more.

00:28:15.000 Stop the conversation.

00:28:16.000 Stop the conversation. 1.00

00:28:17.000 But I didn't get sick that time because that shit was delicious. 1.00

00:28:22.000 It was just filling a fucking mouse in my mouth. 1.00

00:28:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:26.000 That's rough.

00:28:27.000 I keep telling people how funny Reggie McFadden was.

00:28:31.000 He still is.

00:28:32.000 I haven't seen him in forever.

00:28:33.000 I watched the Discovery Channel.

00:28:36.000 What's he doing?

00:28:37.000 Selling jewels, I guess.

00:28:39.000 He was on the Discovery Channel selling jewels?

00:28:42.000 Yep.

00:28:42.000 But his stand-up in the 90s?

00:28:45.000 It was some people, and they're looking to buy some kind of jewels, not diamonds, but whatever they're selling in wherever this part of Africa he is, right?

00:28:53.000 Oh, like in the ground.

00:28:55.000 Right, and the guy's got the camera.

00:28:56.000 He's got the camera here.

00:28:57.000 The guy who's, he said, I can take you.

00:28:59.000 And the guy says, you speak English?

00:29:01.000 He said, I speak English very well, probably better than you.

00:29:03.000 And we all know Reggie has perfect diction.

00:29:06.000 Yeah.

00:29:07.000 So that was Reggie?

00:29:09.000 Then they show him like, I'm like, yo!

00:29:11.000 And then Reggie go, is that a camera?

00:29:13.000 Like that.

00:29:13.000 And they just kind of, I'm like, yo!

00:29:16.000 So it was Reggie McFadden selling jewels in Africa.

00:29:19.000 That's where he's at?

00:29:20.000 Yeah, he's in, I don't know if it's Tanzania or something.

00:29:23.000 But I saw him.

00:29:25.000 I hit him on Facebook right now.

00:29:27.000 He hit you back.

00:29:27.000 Is he doing stand-up?

00:29:29.000 I don't know.

00:29:30.000 I guess, you know...

00:29:31.000 But isn't that shocking?

00:29:32.000 You remember how good he was in the 90s? 1.00

00:29:34.000 That motherfucker was a monster. 1.00

00:29:36.000 Oh my God, what he did... 1.00

00:29:41.000 Because he's like, the people go, I didn't use a condom because she looked like she was cool. 0.93

00:29:47.000 That was his joke.

00:29:49.000 She looked like she was cool.

00:29:50.000 And the girl said, stick it in.

00:29:56.000 And he goes, it's dry.

00:30:02.000 He had to see it live, right?

00:30:05.000 Yeah.

00:30:06.000 And I like this other, what's the other one?

00:30:08.000 Where he would drop the girl off in a rough neighborhood.

00:30:11.000 Right?

00:30:12.000 He go, he go, all right, baby, you be cool, all right?

00:30:15.000 Hey, hey, hey, y'all leave her. 1.00

00:30:18.000 Hey, come back.

00:30:22.000 Stop it.

00:30:23.000 Leave her. 1.00

00:30:23.000 She's not. 1.00

00:30:26.000 Remember the bit he did about the pretty girl always has an ugly friend that's trying to break into the house and stop you from making out with her?

00:30:32.000 What are you doing?

00:30:34.000 But he would do the whole thing.

00:30:35.000 He would come crashing through the window.

00:30:37.000 He would leap through the stage.

00:30:38.000 He was so physical on stage.

00:30:40.000 And Reggie's a big dude, man.

00:30:43.000 Big dude. 0.98

00:30:44.000 He was funny as fuck. 0.99

00:30:45.000 I saw him at the Champagne Comedy Club in Mount Vernon. 0.99

00:30:49.000 Mount Vernon, New York.

00:30:51.000 And it was a club that I couldn't work out because you had to be squeaky clean.

00:30:54.000 So I was with my friend John Tobin. 0.98

00:30:56.000 John Tobin opened for Reggie, and I remember watching Reggie and thinking, like, this motherfucker's gonna be the biggest star in the world. 0.99

00:31:02.000 He was getting murdered. 0.99

00:31:04.000 I mean, thunderous, thunderous laughter.

00:31:06.000 They remember he was on a Dr. Pepper commercial?

00:31:08.000 I don't remember that.

00:31:09.000 That was way back.

00:31:11.000 That was, like, for a comedian to get something like that.

00:31:13.000 He'd say, you know, I'm a pepper, you're a pepper.

00:31:15.000 Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too?

00:31:16.000 He didn't have a part.

00:31:18.000 He was just like...

00:31:21.000 But everybody's like, yo, look where's your big face!

00:31:25.000 It's my man.

00:31:26.000 Him and Warren and everybody, yeah.

00:31:28.000 It was a great time.

00:31:30.000 That time in the 90s in New York.

00:31:32.000 Such an interesting time, because so many good comics were there.

00:31:36.000 That's why I first saw Chappelle.

00:31:37.000 He was 19. I first saw him at Catch Rising Star.

00:31:42.000 See, that's when I was gone.

00:31:44.000 I was doing my duty, whatever.

00:31:47.000 And like...

00:31:49.000 Warren Hutchison and Dave, they all came up to New York.

00:31:54.000 As a matter of fact, someone just did a documentary.

00:31:57.000 They did a documentary.

00:31:59.000 It's a sizzle.

00:32:00.000 I'll let you see it.

00:32:02.000 Send it to Jamie.

00:32:03.000 Can you airdrop it?

00:32:05.000 Yeah, they got the love scene with me and Wanda.

00:32:10.000 What is it?

00:32:11.000 Yeah, you gotta see it now.

00:32:12.000 It's just a whole bunch of little clips of all the comedians back in the day from D.C. Here it is.

00:32:21.000 Wanda came from D.C. too? 0.90

00:32:23.000 Yeah.

00:32:23.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

00:32:24.000 How do I send this to you?

00:32:26.000 Do you got AirDrop?

00:32:27.000 Yeah, I got it.

00:32:27.000 Do you see Jamie Vernon?

00:32:29.000 Do you see that?

00:32:30.000 Yeah, it'll say like MacBook Pro or something like that.

00:32:32.000 There's an iPhone.

00:32:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:32:35.000 That might be me.

00:32:38.000 And it's Dave, it's Tommy Davidson, it's the fat doctor, you know, Louis Black.

00:32:46.000 Yeah.

00:32:47.000 What's her name?

00:32:48.000 What was the girl's name?

00:32:49.000 Louis Black came from D.C.? Yeah, Patton Oswalt.

00:32:53.000 Patton came from D.C. too.

00:32:55.000 Wow.

00:32:55.000 As a matter of fact, the last show I did before I went to the Gulf War was me, Patton Oswalt, and a guy named Roger Mercer.

00:33:04.000 Hmm.

00:33:05.000 Yeah.

00:33:06.000 I used to call him Patton Boggs.

00:33:08.000 Because...

00:33:09.000 Did everybody...

00:33:09.000 Sorry.

00:33:10.000 Good.

00:33:10.000 You used to call him that.

00:33:11.000 Why?

00:33:11.000 Because I was a bike messenger and there's a big law firm called Patton Boggs.

00:33:16.000 So I always called him Patton Boggs.

00:33:17.000 It's like just nobody knew but him and me.

00:33:21.000 There it is.

00:33:22.000 Rise of stand-up comedy in Washington, D.C. Now, where was everybody out of?

00:33:26.000 Were they out of the improv?

00:33:28.000 No, back then it was the Comedy Cafe, which had the Archie Ball Strip Club on the bottom floor.

00:33:35.000 Give me some volume change.

00:33:39.000 When I was a comedian starting out in Washington, D.C., this brother, you know, started out in the D.C. area.

00:33:43.000 Coming to the stage from my hometown, the nation's capital.

00:33:47.000 D.C. is the mecca for stand-up comedy, because if you're good, you're good in this town.

00:33:51.000 Oprah Winfrey started that weight loss mess. 1.00

00:33:54.000 Remember what she kept on saying?

00:33:55.000 If she didn't lose weight, the old man was going to leave her?

00:33:57.000 Oh, yes.

00:33:58.000 $80 million?

00:33:59.000 He ain't going no down.

00:34:01.000 If D.C. being the mecca of comedy is a phrase coined by the great Andy Evans, then it must be so.

00:34:11.000 The volumes of solid acts that we've turned out over the years.

00:34:16.000 Black woman won't get mad at you for three months because she'll starve. 1.00

00:34:18.000 There's just a central information stream here in D.C. that's not like a city. 0.96

00:34:24.000 Black folks in D.C. are just straight up funny. 0.75

00:34:26.000 Oh my god, look!

00:34:29.000 So many people who are big names now are from out of this area.

00:34:36.000 We had to have that image for the dog drones of other things that were being shot at us, because that helped people with girls too, you know? 0.77

00:34:46.000 Caucasians ran comedy.

00:34:47.000 You had to be better to excel. 1.00

00:34:50.000 I said a brother with 400 million can't keep a bitch. 1.00

00:34:54.000 A brother with $100 ain't got a suck! 1.00

00:34:56.000 Dave Chappelle, Martin, Wanda Sykes, we were all really young. 0.95

00:35:00.000 We got in Garvin's, we got in the Comedy Cafe, and we performed.

00:35:03.000 B.C. being the mecca of comedy is self-explanatory.

00:35:07.000 I was just in the men's bathroom.

00:35:09.000 I don't know which one of you gentlemen used it.

00:35:12.000 I'm no doctor, but you got around three months' luck.

00:35:15.000 All the biggest stars.

00:35:17.000 I'm married to a white French woman, and I have two white kids. 0.98

00:35:22.000 Fucked up my legacy. 0.99

00:35:24.000 Raw. 0.98

00:35:25.000 What's the deal, Pickles?

00:35:27.000 Is everything kosher?

00:35:28.000 All around funny cats, man.

00:35:31.000 Right?

00:35:31.000 And you always know who gonna die first.

00:35:36.000 The Virgo.

00:35:37.000 That's the good thing about us, maybe, because we live a white-collar, blue-collar life simultaneously.

00:35:43.000 We come up knowing the principles of comedy, like what really makes you funny, not just one joke.

00:35:48.000 If you're here for a comedy show, you could walk up on a show that might have a couple people you heard of.

00:35:55.000 If you took all the comedians Out of D.C., there'd be a dent in the industry.

00:35:59.000 All these great talents in D.C., you know, what's in the water here?

00:36:03.000 What happens that you can create a Tommy Davidson, Dave Chappelle, Chris Paul, Huggy Lowdown?

00:36:16.000 New York is the mecca of basketball.

00:36:19.000 You know, we feel like we're the mecca of comedy.

00:36:22.000 A ton of, like, live albums will be recorded here.

00:36:26.000 If you were dark-skinned, people just start joaning on you.

00:36:30.000 Yeah!

00:36:32.000 And I use my wit as a defense mechanism to push them back.

00:36:38.000 D.C. comedy is amazing because it comes on so many different levels.

00:36:45.000 We just breed funny people and I don't know if it's there, there's so many of us there.

00:36:49.000 D.C. always had, to me, the roughest crowds.

00:36:51.000 Either they gonna love you or you gotta go.

00:36:54.000 D.C. area has the most educated concentration of African Americans in the country.

00:36:59.000 The DC Comics tend to be smart comedians.

00:37:04.000 That was one of the things I always aspired to be.

00:37:06.000 I can name ten famous comedians, legendary comedians from this area, but they all got different styles.

00:37:12.000 We have a great city in Washington.

00:37:14.000 We never get credit.

00:37:15.000 We get blamed for all the politicians, but we never get credit for the great talent that comes out of here.

00:37:20.000 If there's a battle, we're in the finals.

00:37:22.000 The same way people say New Orleans is the home of jazz, I say D.C. is the home for stand-up comics.

00:37:30.000 So is this out?

00:37:31.000 The mecca of comedy?

00:37:32.000 The rise of stand-up comedy in Washington D.C.? That's just the sizzle that the guy, his name is Parrish.

00:37:37.000 Right, but is it completed?

00:37:39.000 Is the film out now?

00:37:40.000 I don't know.

00:37:41.000 I did my interview.

00:37:42.000 How long ago was that?

00:37:43.000 I don't know, man.

00:37:45.000 Tony.

00:37:48.000 Man, I don't know.

00:37:49.000 It was in the summer.

00:37:52.000 I did it, yeah.

00:37:54.000 The sizzle is dope.

00:37:56.000 I like that. 1.00

00:37:56.000 Well, it's undeniable that D.C.'s produced a lot of fucking talent. 1.00

00:38:00.000 Some amazing talent that's come out of that one area. 0.95

00:38:03.000 How many clubs are in the D.C. area?

00:38:06.000 Now, it's the Draft House.

00:38:09.000 They have the Arlington Draft House, the D.C. Draft House.

00:38:12.000 They have the D.C. Improv.

00:38:14.000 They have the Comedy Loft, which looks like the cellar.

00:38:19.000 And it's got like two levels.

00:38:21.000 So that's cool.

00:38:23.000 And then there's Comedy Nights everywhere.

00:38:26.000 And then up in Baltimore, you have Magoobies, and you have the Comedy Factory.

00:38:30.000 And all in between, there's Comedy Nights all over the place.

00:38:35.000 So there's just like a whole scene.

00:38:37.000 It always was.

00:38:39.000 It just kind of fizzled a little bit.

00:38:41.000 And I think it's just resurgent with Netflix and stuff like that.

00:38:45.000 People go, I want to see that joke alive.

00:38:48.000 And I think the internet guys got The audience re-interested in us.

00:38:56.000 Because the internet guys, everybody loved to go see them, and then they say, wow, that's all you got?

00:39:02.000 Because they don't realize when they see a little funny skit that lasts 15 seconds, then they go pay their money to go see this guy, and that's all he got.

00:39:09.000 Right.

00:39:09.000 15 seconds.

00:39:10.000 So people go, well, I want to see some comedy comedy.

00:39:13.000 So bang.

00:39:14.000 So I think they got re-interested in it.

00:39:16.000 They're doing a lot of that now at some of these improvs where they have like a TikTok star will come on because they can get a bunch of people to come see them, but they don't have an act.

00:39:26.000 But they'll fill out the place.

00:39:28.000 They'll sell out multiple nights in a row.

00:39:30.000 Because my son said about some comedian like that, he goes, I laugh about him, man.

00:39:35.000 Me and my coworkers laugh about him all day at work, Dad.

00:39:37.000 Do you know him?

00:39:38.000 And I'm like, I don't know this guy.

00:39:40.000 And then I see what he's talking about, and it is funny as I don't know what. 0.95

00:39:43.000 It's fucking seven seconds long. 0.96

00:39:45.000 Right. 0.99

00:39:48.000 And they just keep passing around.

00:39:50.000 Look, and then I'm like, and you're going to pay $50 to go see that guy?

00:39:54.000 I'm like, what other videos he got?

00:39:55.000 He got some other stuff.

00:39:56.000 He got some other stuff, Dad.

00:39:57.000 I'm like, you know, all together.

00:39:59.000 Just about two minutes of funny.

00:40:02.000 There was comedians that, the girl's name is Angela Johnson, was the girl that did that nail salon bit, right? 0.74

00:40:10.000 Was it Angela Johnson?

00:40:12.000 The Vietnamese nail salon bit? 1.00

00:40:15.000 When she was a middle act, She was so popular that people would come to see her and leave before the headliner. 0.73

00:40:23.000 Wow.

00:40:36.000 Wow.

00:40:37.000 You got a version of it?

00:40:37.000 It just has 32 million views on YouTube.

00:40:39.000 32 million?

00:40:40.000 Watch this. 0.99

00:40:41.000 It's fucking great. 0.97

00:40:42.000 It's a really good bit, but the point is, like, when she was just a middle act, she was doing this. 0.97

00:40:48.000 This is her. 0.99

00:40:49.000 Oh, shit, the ice house. 1.00

00:40:51.000 It's very Latina, right? 1.00

00:40:54.000 No, it's not at all, actually.

00:40:57.000 Could you imagine introducing me to speak at the Mexican-American Heritage Festival?

00:41:03.000 Señores y señores, bienvenido a mi amiga especial!

00:41:06.000 Angela Nicole Johnson.

00:41:12.000 Hi, um, excuse me, it's John Sones.

00:41:15.000 Go to the Vietnam thing. 0.99

00:41:17.000 I don't want to watch the whole thing.

00:41:18.000 Well, it's the whole thing.

00:41:19.000 It's like an uncut version of it.

00:41:20.000 I don't know where exactly it cuts.

00:41:21.000 Try it, right there, right there.

00:41:24.000 Barkley.

00:41:24.000 You take him with you, huh?

00:41:25.000 No.

00:41:26.000 Yeah, see?

00:41:27.000 She ratted you up. 1.00

00:41:28.000 As soon as I walk in, they grieve me right away.

00:41:30.000 Hi, honey, what you need today?

00:41:36.000 Oh, um, can I get my nails done?

00:41:40.000 Okay, honey, do you lie pedicure too? 1.00

00:41:43.000 No, no, just my nails.

00:41:45.000 Honey, why you don't lie?

00:41:51.000 Pedicure, it may look nice.

00:41:53.000 It's so sexy.

00:41:56.000 It's better for you.

00:42:00.000 Oh.

00:42:00.000 Oh, alright.

00:42:01.000 Sure, then I'll get a pedicure too.

00:42:03.000 Thanks.

00:42:06.000 Oh, okay.

00:42:11.000 Thanks.

00:42:12.000 So my Ling starts doing my nails right away.

00:42:14.000 By the way, her American name is Tammy.

00:42:19.000 Tammy.

00:42:25.000 You have boyfriend?

00:42:31.000 No, no, I don't have a boyfriend.

00:42:33.000 Honey, why you don't have?

00:42:36.000 You look so pretty, like model, cheerleader, something pretty.

00:42:43.000 You like long or short nails?

00:42:46.000 Short nails, please, thanks. 1.00

00:42:48.000 Oh, honey, that's why you don't have a boyfriend.

00:42:52.000 I do for you, long better.

00:42:55.000 Alright, fine.

00:42:56.000 I'll have long nails.

00:42:57.000 Thanks.

00:42:58.000 It's okay, honey.

00:42:59.000 Only $4 more.

00:43:00.000 That's okay.

00:43:02.000 We get it.

00:43:03.000 Yeah, but it's a great bit.

00:43:05.000 And it gets better.

00:43:06.000 But the point is, like, that bit was like a closer bit.

00:43:10.000 And she got famous off of YouTube from that bit.

00:43:14.000 And she was a middle act. 0.99

00:43:16.000 But she was selling out the venue. 0.74

00:43:18.000 They were coming to see her!

00:43:20.000 They were coming to see her and the headliner would go up, hey, how's everybody doing tonight?

00:43:24.000 What about Chris Tucker, man, when he did his first Def Jam, man?

00:43:29.000 I think he didn't have that much time.

00:43:32.000 But he had 10 minutes that was fire.

00:43:35.000 You know when he'd go, hey man!

00:43:39.000 You robbed my mom.

00:43:41.000 Something like he tried to rob somebody.

00:43:43.000 It was his mom.

00:43:44.000 I forgot how it go.

00:43:45.000 What you doing with pictures of my brothers in your pocketbook?

00:43:48.000 Well, there's guys that, like, were coming up that had, like, a great middle set.

00:43:54.000 And then they had a headline, so they had to stretch that middle set out to an hour.

00:43:58.000 So they had to take that 25-minute set and make an hour out of it.

00:44:01.000 But he had a...

00:44:05.000 I would describe Chris' first Def Jam set as an Ed Sullivan set.

00:44:10.000 Because back in the day, you see guys on Ed Sullivan, and boom.

00:44:14.000 To you at home, you'd think he did like an hour, but it was just two and a half minutes.

00:44:18.000 But boom, that Joker was selling out all over the place.

00:44:21.000 And my mom and him said, we're going to go see such and such.

00:44:24.000 He was on Ed Sullivan.

00:44:25.000 Do you remember when Eddie Griffin did HBO when he had shorts on?

00:44:29.000 Was that Def Jam that he did?

00:44:31.000 Yeah, when he did Michael Jackson.

00:44:37.000 Yeah, that's the one he said.

00:44:38.000 The one when he came out with shorts on.

00:44:39.000 When he said about cocaine?

00:44:41.000 I think it was, but I just remember the power of the set. 0.99

00:44:44.000 I don't remember the content, but I remember he murdered so fucking hard. 0.97

00:44:49.000 I was there. 0.99

00:44:49.000 He smashed that. 0.99

00:44:49.000 And he had so much energy back then. 0.99

00:44:52.000 Remember, he did Michael Jackson, he did the thing about cocaine.

00:44:57.000 He said, cocaine is like a prolific drug.

00:45:00.000 He says, you snort cocaine and go, I want to talk to somebody who's not here.

00:45:05.000 Yeah, that's a great bet.

00:45:06.000 And that's the guy who invented the telephone, yeah.

00:45:10.000 I want to talk to somebody who's not even here.

00:45:13.000 And I was there the day that Bernie did his thing, and that was like a matinee show, like two in the afternoon.

00:45:19.000 This crowd just wasn't like, uh...

00:45:22.000 And Angela Means went on. 0.98

00:45:23.000 A friend of mine, Butch Burns, who's also from D.C., he went on.

00:45:28.000 Because I think...

00:45:30.000 I wouldn't say Butch bombed, but Butch stood there as if he was in a club, like as if he was at the cellar.

00:45:37.000 He just had his hand on the mic stand, you know, just, hey, what's up?

00:45:40.000 Like, no, son, this ain't the spot for that, man.

00:45:43.000 You got to come out on some Joe Rogan.

00:45:51.000 Even I'm laid back, but when you see me on Def Jam, no.

00:45:56.000 I came out. 1.00

00:45:57.000 When Bernie came out and goes, I'm not afraid of none of you motherfuckers! 1.00

00:46:00.000 Yeah, I ain't afraid to kick it! 1.00

00:46:02.000 Boom! 0.99

00:46:03.000 Boom, he just took it off.

00:46:05.000 Bernie had power.

00:46:06.000 I know, but they were like, you know, because there was blood in the water.

00:46:10.000 They were ready.

00:46:11.000 They was like, ooh, we're going to boo him too.

00:46:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:13.000 He said, uh-uh, not today, motherfucker. 1.00

00:46:17.000 No, Bernie had power. 1.00

00:46:18.000 I saw Bernie at the Comedy Connection at Faneuil Hall, and I walked in while he was on stage, and he was murdering, man.

00:46:26.000 Just waves of people just moving through the audience with laughter.

00:46:31.000 Falling out of their chairs.

00:46:32.000 Just killing. 1.00

00:46:33.000 Killing. 0.87

00:46:34.000 And his speech, the way he talked was like when I hear my grandfather and his friends talk.

00:46:42.000 Yeah.

00:46:42.000 It was like he was from back in time, I'm going to brush you in your head.

00:46:47.000 That's old man shit. 1.00

00:46:49.000 Until you see the white meat. 1.00

00:46:51.000 When I see you, it's going to be a misunderstanding.

00:46:54.000 Just like that. 1.00

00:46:55.000 Instead, I'm going to kick your ass. 1.00

00:46:56.000 Boom. 1.00

00:46:58.000 I loved that dude.

00:46:59.000 He was something else.

00:47:00.000 There was some hot sets on Def Jam back then, man.

00:47:03.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:47:04.000 For sure.

00:47:06.000 What year did you start?

00:47:12.000 The third Thursday in May of 86. 86. That was the height, right?

00:47:17.000 That was like when comedy, like the 80s boom.

00:47:20.000 80s boom.

00:47:21.000 I went in the first time in 1983. I was in the Navy and one of my guys, he was like 30 years old and I was like 18. So to me, he was a grown genius man.

00:47:35.000 He told me how funny I was because Eddie Murphy was on the cover of Time Magazine with a red baseball cap.

00:47:41.000 Doing like this.

00:47:43.000 And he said, you could do that, Woods.

00:47:45.000 I'm like, I wouldn't ever wear that cap.

00:47:48.000 He's like, nah, man, you could do that.

00:47:50.000 I'm like, what are you talking about?

00:47:52.000 So he went as far as to call the Comedy Cafe, where's me and Dave and all of us started out in D.C. He called them up, sat up.

00:48:00.000 He said, go down there, man. 1.00

00:48:01.000 You know, just talk about the same shit you talk about here at work, man. 1.00

00:48:05.000 I'm telling you. 0.99

00:48:07.000 I go down there, and it was the first live comedy show.

00:48:10.000 Kevin Lee, who juggles, you know him?

00:48:13.000 He juggles.

00:48:14.000 Anyway, he was there, and you've seen jugglers on TV, and they always go, oh my god, that's amazing!

00:48:20.000 Oh my god, that's so amazing!

00:48:21.000 He juggling this and that, and he juggled, and bam! 1.00

00:48:24.000 Motherfucker dropped the bowling ball. 1.00

00:48:26.000 What? 1.00

00:48:26.000 That was the funniest shit I ever seen! 1.00

00:48:29.000 Because I thought he did it on purpose. 1.00

00:48:33.000 Because it went, bam! 1.00

00:48:34.000 Everybody jumped and shit. 0.99

00:48:35.000 And he just kind of picked it up real quick and kept juggling. 0.99

00:48:38.000 And then everybody else was going. 0.96

00:48:40.000 Everybody was like, to me, everybody was fucking super funny.

00:48:43.000 And then I remember, what's his name? 0.94

00:48:46.000 He just passed away.

00:48:48.000 William Stevenson.

00:48:49.000 William Stevenson was the emcee.

00:48:52.000 And he said, next we have another funny human being.

00:48:57.000 Remember he used to always say, funny human being, he says, there's a new guy, Tony Woods.

00:49:02.000 And everybody started clapping.

00:49:04.000 And me too.

00:49:05.000 I was clapping too, like, where's Tony Woods? 1.00

00:49:07.000 Because I'm not going up there, motherfucker. 0.99

00:49:12.000 I'm like, I'm not ready for this. 0.99

00:49:14.000 So, I didn't go on stage again for three more years, man.

00:49:19.000 And when I did go, me and my buddy Vance used to go to the comedy club.

00:49:23.000 And every week, I put my name on the list, chicken out.

00:49:26.000 But we sit and hear some jokes.

00:49:28.000 So the next morning, my wife would say, how was it last night?

00:49:31.000 Because me and Vance would hang out in the comedy club for maybe 30 minutes, 40, and then go to ladies' night at this nightclub.

00:49:37.000 And then, you know, so in the morning, she would go, how was it last night?

00:49:42.000 She said, what'd you talk about?

00:49:44.000 So I would say, oh, I did my thing about how girls look like a cockatoo. 1.00

00:49:47.000 And she'd go, oh, that's pretty good.

00:49:49.000 You know what I mean?

00:49:49.000 Whatever I heard that caught my ear that night, I would tell her.

00:49:53.000 And I remember she was brushing her teeth one time, and I said, somebody else's joke.

00:49:57.000 And she go, that was funny.

00:50:01.000 And she didn't laugh.

00:50:02.000 She go, that was funny.

00:50:04.000 I'm like, okay.

00:50:05.000 She starts to tell everybody that I'm doing comedy.

00:50:08.000 And everybody's like, hey, we want to come see you.

00:50:10.000 I'm like, ah, man, well, you know, you don't want to come down.

00:50:11.000 It'd be so late at night. 1.00

00:50:14.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:50:14.000 Then one day, it was the third Thursday in May, and she said, the executives are going out of town. 1.00

00:50:21.000 We don't have to work tomorrow.

00:50:22.000 So your mom's going to keep the baby, and I'm going with you. 1.00

00:50:28.000 Fucking heart was beating so fast. 1.00

00:50:31.000 Oh my god! 1.00

00:50:34.000 I'm like, you know what?

00:50:35.000 I was thinking, man, we need to spend time together.

00:50:39.000 Since my mom got the baby, just have a little blockbuster night.

00:50:43.000 No!

00:50:44.000 I'm going to the comedy show.

00:50:45.000 I want to see you.

00:50:49.000 That was a long day, Joe. 0.99

00:50:51.000 Because all day long, I'm like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:50:55.000 So I write down stuff. 0.98

00:50:56.000 I forget everything I wrote down, but go down there.

00:50:59.000 While we're sitting there watching the other comedians, she would nudge me.

00:51:02.000 She'd go, he's doing your joke.

00:51:04.000 Oh no!

00:51:06.000 Oh no!

00:51:07.000 And I'm like, no.

00:51:08.000 I said, no.

00:51:09.000 The comedians, they get together and they share jokes.

00:51:15.000 But then they called me up.

00:51:16.000 I forgot what I was going to say.

00:51:18.000 I said, you guys look good.

00:51:21.000 You guys smell good.

00:51:22.000 And then this guy in the front says, his leg is shaking because my leg was shaking.

00:51:26.000 And I said, hey, your stomach's shaking.

00:51:27.000 And I said, hey, but don't worry about it, man.

00:51:29.000 I used to be fat, too.

00:51:30.000 And then I said, I was a whopping 70 pounds.

00:51:33.000 And I said, but I was only this tall.

00:51:35.000 And the rest... 0.99

00:51:36.000 I guess God sent it to me because I did this whole bit about setting my mom's bed on fire and all this other shit. 0.99

00:51:42.000 My cat talking to me. 0.99

00:51:44.000 Oh, it was just bang, bang, bang.

00:51:46.000 And I remember before I went on stage, the fat doctor that night was the host.

00:51:50.000 And the fat doctor said, where do you want your light?

00:51:55.000 And I said, like, right in the front. 0.99

00:51:59.000 I didn't know what the fuck that meant. 0.89

00:52:01.000 Like, what do you want your light means? 0.96

00:52:02.000 Do you want a two minute light, three minute light, four minute light?

00:52:05.000 He said, hey man, where you want your light at?

00:52:07.000 I'm like...

00:52:08.000 Like right in the front.

00:52:10.000 That's good. 0.99

00:52:10.000 And I'm looking at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99

00:52:15.000 Stupid. 1.00

00:52:16.000 But I went up and I kill. 1.00

00:52:18.000 And then bang, the light came on. 0.73

00:52:20.000 I said, goodnight, Tony Lewis.

00:52:21.000 Like that, right?

00:52:23.000 Ran off and everybody was...

00:52:24.000 And Martin Lawrence and Pierre and all them shaking my hands.

00:52:27.000 They're using comedy stuff like, hey man, good set and all this.

00:52:31.000 I'm like, alright.

00:52:32.000 And I sat there and was kind of short-lived.

00:52:36.000 Because I sat down with my wife and my boy Vance.

00:52:39.000 And my boy Vance said, I told you!

00:52:40.000 I told you!

00:52:41.000 I told you!

00:52:43.000 Which he kind of was almost telling her that this is his first time.

00:52:47.000 But he was telling me.

00:52:48.000 But he didn't say nothing.

00:52:50.000 Didn't actually say it?

00:52:51.000 The next guy that came on was a professional.

00:52:53.000 He says, from the pro side, we got this guy.

00:52:55.000 And he went up. 0.99

00:52:56.000 He wasn't doing so good because I had fucking ripped. 0.99

00:52:59.000 First time. 0.99

00:53:00.000 First time, because I was nervous.

00:53:04.000 Then she said, you need to tell them that they need to stop paying you up in here.

00:53:10.000 Huh?

00:53:14.000 She said, you have been coming here for over six months.

00:53:17.000 Oh no!

00:53:18.000 And you one of the funniest ones tonight.

00:53:21.000 You need to go back there and tell them other comedians to give you some money.

00:53:27.000 Oh, no.

00:53:28.000 I said, I could do it next week.

00:53:30.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:53:31.000 She said, no.

00:53:32.000 Because they all back there.

00:53:34.000 I'm like, okay.

00:53:35.000 So I went.

00:53:36.000 I walked in the back.

00:53:37.000 Good thing the guy you saw, Andy Evans, who's like the godfather.

00:53:40.000 It's a good thing he was there.

00:53:42.000 Because I was like, I said, yo, what's up, man?

00:53:44.000 I get paid up.

00:53:45.000 And he goes, Huh?

00:53:46.000 I said, how do I get paid?

00:53:48.000 He goes, oh, hold on.

00:53:51.000 I'll be right back.

00:53:51.000 I'm gonna go get the guy who can pay you.

00:53:54.000 I'm like, okay, like, yeah. 0.99

00:53:56.000 Because I look back at her like, yeah, I got this shit. 1.00

00:53:58.000 I got this shit. 1.00

00:54:00.000 Boom, him and all the other comedians, because they're back on the stairwell. 1.00

00:54:04.000 They're all behind the bar.

00:54:05.000 They all come up and go, what's up, brother?

00:54:07.000 What you say again?

00:54:08.000 I said, um, Because everybody's looking at me, I'm like, I said, you know, how do you get paid to do comedy in it?

00:54:18.000 He goes, no, no, that ain't what you said. 0.99

00:54:21.000 You said, hey, motherfucker, how I get paid? 1.00

00:54:24.000 He just overdid it. 1.00

00:54:26.000 He said, I grabbed him in the car and said, bitch, you better give me some money or something like that. 1.00

00:54:29.000 And they all started laughing. 0.99

00:54:32.000 And then I'll never forget, they was all laughing.

00:54:35.000 Because they knew it was my first time.

00:54:37.000 And then Fat Doctor came, and he goes, whoa!

00:54:40.000 Hold up.

00:54:41.000 Wait a minute.

00:54:42.000 What's your name, man?

00:54:43.000 I said, Tony Woods.

00:54:44.000 He goes, yeah!

00:54:47.000 Man, that was you up there, wasn't it?

00:54:49.000 I'm like, yeah.

00:54:49.000 He goes, I'm going to tell you something, man.

00:54:51.000 Look, what you did tonight, do that about 500 more times and then come back in and talk to us. 1.00

00:54:57.000 Get the fuck out of my face. 0.99

00:55:00.000 And they were all laughing. 1.00

00:55:02.000 And I went back over there with my wife.

00:55:05.000 And she said, so what'd they say?

00:55:06.000 Because they like you because they still laughing. 1.00

00:55:10.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:55:12.000 They all still remember that. 1.00

00:55:13.000 They was all back there laughing and just having a good time.

00:55:16.000 How long was it before you started getting paid?

00:55:19.000 As a matter of fact, that guy Andy Evans put me on a TV show two months later.

00:55:24.000 It was a public access show.

00:55:25.000 I didn't get paid, but from the public access show I got paid.

00:55:28.000 It was me, Warren Hutchison, Wanda Sykes.

00:55:32.000 No, Wanda wasn't there yet.

00:55:33.000 It was Robin Montague, Tommy Davidson, a lot of us.

00:55:38.000 But me and Warren and Martin Lawrence were open micers.

00:55:44.000 And so the real comedian was like, what are they doing here?

00:55:49.000 Because we were sitting there like first day of school, the three of us like...

00:55:52.000 When do I go on?

00:55:55.000 We all did well.

00:55:57.000 That was public access.

00:56:00.000 We've been rocking ever since.

00:56:01.000 How many years in do you think were you a professional?

00:56:05.000 How many years did it take before you started getting paid?

00:56:09.000 It didn't take me years.

00:56:11.000 I did the TV show and then I would just go on stage and just go to sleep.

00:56:16.000 Like, other people were writing jokes.

00:56:20.000 I wasn't.

00:56:20.000 I was just talking about stuff that had happened to me and just twisting it around and doing this.

00:56:26.000 So one year in...

00:56:30.000 This guy's in the audience from BET, and he says, that was great.

00:56:35.000 I want you to be on this TV show called Tell Me Something Good.

00:56:37.000 I'm like, okay.

00:56:38.000 It's his game show, and it's on BET. I'm like, what's that?

00:56:41.000 He goes, Black Entertainment Television.

00:56:43.000 I remember I laughed, and he gave me his card. 1.00

00:56:45.000 I'm like, yeah, I said, this shit would be cool as shit. 0.99

00:56:47.000 You know, if it was, because there was no cable TV in D.C. at that time. 0.99

00:56:52.000 So the next day...

00:56:55.000 My dispatcher calls me and said, yo, 777, 777, you're going to drop off your packages to another courier because you got to give your wife a landline. 0.98

00:57:04.000 You got to go home emergency. 1.00

00:57:05.000 I'm like, oh shit, what the fuck? 1.00

00:57:07.000 And she says, yo, I checked the messages. 1.00

00:57:10.000 She said, a guy named Stu Perkins from Black Entertainment Television calls you and he wants you on the show today. 0.98

00:57:16.000 I'm like, yeah, that clown. 0.94

00:57:19.000 She says, you never heard of that? 1.00

00:57:20.000 I'm like, what the fuck is that? 0.99

00:57:22.000 I'm like, we got a network? 0.99

00:57:25.000 For real?

00:57:28.000 And so I went home, boom, boom, got changed, went down to Duke Street in Virginia and did it.

00:57:35.000 It was a live taping of a game show called Tell Me Something Good.

00:57:40.000 And people would actually call in and answer the question.

00:57:44.000 It was like on maybe a 10-second delay.

00:57:47.000 You know you couldn't do that now.

00:57:48.000 Everybody would be cursing and stuff like that.

00:57:50.000 This is like 1988. And then, Joe, right after that, there's a contest called the National Lampoon Comedy Playoffs nationwide.

00:58:01.000 Leslie Nielsen was the host out in Vegas and did that.

00:58:04.000 And you only had to have seven minutes.

00:58:08.000 Boom. 1.00

00:58:09.000 I smashed that shit and went to Vegas and met Leslie Nielsen. 1.00

00:58:15.000 That's when my gambling problem started. 1.00

00:58:19.000 Okay, this is a good thing.

00:58:20.000 So we're checking to...

00:58:21.000 The Sahara's not even there no more.

00:58:23.000 So my last name is Woods.

00:58:25.000 That's a W. Everybody had their rooms. 0.97

00:58:28.000 Boom.

00:58:28.000 And the lady said, well, you know, you're Woods, so we're going to have to put you on such and such floor, right?

00:58:35.000 Because this is back in the day when...

00:58:37.000 Only a few people had the magnetic thing.

00:58:40.000 So I had to stick it in the elevator to go up to my floor.

00:58:43.000 I had the double doors.

00:58:44.000 I'm like, what? 0.99

00:58:45.000 It looked like the fucking room in Hangover. 0.99

00:58:47.000 Wow. 1.00

00:58:48.000 Like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:58:49.000 And so everybody knows that I'm only two years in on comedy, something like that. 0.99

00:58:55.000 So they said poolside interview.

00:58:57.000 I get down there.

00:58:58.000 I'm talking to all the working comedians.

00:59:00.000 Like, yo, man, did you see the room?

00:59:02.000 They're like, hmm.

00:59:05.000 First time in a hotel, buddy. 0.99

00:59:07.000 I'm like, fuck, these dudes stay in rooms like this all the time? 0.99

00:59:13.000 So we all hang out and then say, yo. 0.99

00:59:16.000 And everybody's like, yo, we're going to go.

00:59:18.000 I say, yo, we can go to my room.

00:59:20.000 I got beer and wine and stuff in my room and sodas.

00:59:25.000 What, you went shopping?

00:59:27.000 It's in my room.

00:59:28.000 And we go upstairs and I stick the card key in and we go up to the floor.

00:59:32.000 I got the double doors going. 0.95

00:59:34.000 Everybody's like, That is when the rumor started that I was a shoo-in, I was fucking around, going around pretending I didn't know anything about comedy. 0.66

00:59:46.000 I was like, hey man, so what comedy club do you, who do I call to get to that comedy club? 0.87

00:59:50.000 Do I send them a tape?

00:59:51.000 Like that.

00:59:52.000 Because that was really me. 1.00

00:59:54.000 But they were like, yeah, what the fuck you doing? 0.99

00:59:56.000 And then on top of that, I fucking ripped on the thing. 1.00

01:00:00.000 So they're like, yeah, it's a motherfucker. 1.00

01:00:02.000 They thought it was a setup. 1.00

01:00:03.000 That was a setup. 1.00

01:00:04.000 So they thought you were just a long time pro and it was all bullshit. 1.00

01:00:07.000 Yeah, I was bullshitting them. 1.00

01:00:08.000 And you were a rigged guy. 0.58

01:00:09.000 Yeah.

01:00:10.000 Like I was a shoo-in and I was just in there. 0.99

01:00:14.000 Yeah, but I was actually a new dude.

01:00:19.000 One of the things that people have always asked me about you, they go, where's his specials?

01:00:23.000 Like, how come he doesn't have specials out?

01:00:25.000 Because so many people talk about how funny you are, but they go, how do I see him?

01:00:30.000 Do you have any specials?

01:00:33.000 I did a special in Australia some years ago by accident.

01:00:42.000 It was on the Comedy Channel.

01:00:43.000 They still talk about it in Australia.

01:00:44.000 That's the first time.

01:00:45.000 Me and Greer Barnes went over there the first time.

01:00:48.000 And I was the last one.

01:00:50.000 Right?

01:00:50.000 You're supposed to do seven minutes.

01:00:52.000 TV taping.

01:00:52.000 I was the last one.

01:00:53.000 I was smashing that shit. 1.00

01:00:55.000 Killing. 1.00

01:00:56.000 And boom. 0.96

01:00:59.000 You hear the announcer go, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Woods.

01:01:04.000 Because I had done 25 minutes.

01:01:08.000 Oh, so he said it while you were on stage talking?

01:01:11.000 Yeah, because I was killing it.

01:01:12.000 Because you hadn't gotten on stage.

01:01:13.000 I wasn't going to stop.

01:01:14.000 But it worked out.

01:01:15.000 Like, you ever see that movie, Old Brother, We're Out There?

01:01:17.000 Yeah.

01:01:17.000 So the rest of the festival, me, Greer Barnes, Renee Hicks, and I think Sue Miller or Sue Murphy, we were there.

01:01:26.000 And I was supposed to be the headliner.

01:01:29.000 I just, it just wasn't hitting.

01:01:31.000 It just, I just, I could do other people's show.

01:01:34.000 I could go to Joe's show and rip. 1.00

01:01:35.000 But in my show, it just, I was like, fuck. 0.99

01:01:38.000 I just, I couldn't get it. 0.99

01:01:40.000 And everybody's like, is this the guy?

01:01:42.000 Then they said, do you want to go on the road?

01:01:45.000 So we're going to go on the road.

01:01:46.000 And they have A tour, B tour, C tour.

01:01:49.000 So they put me on a tour.

01:01:50.000 And since my shows weren't all that good, they had me in the opening spot.

01:01:56.000 Like, they have an emcee, one, two, what do you call it, intermission, and then one or two more guys.

01:02:05.000 And did you ever see Old Brother Wild Thou with George Clooney?

01:02:08.000 Yeah. 0.74

01:02:09.000 Remember, they had been on the run, they were doing all this other shit, and then they snuck on, they was going to get a gig, and they walked out on stage, and they said, the Shaggy Bottom boys, everybody went, ah! 0.62

01:02:19.000 Because the shit had aired on television, the set that I had done, when I was talking about the nursery rhymes, not nursery rhymes, but I was talking about Lil Red Riding Hood and all that, you know, like, what's her name? 0.97

01:02:30.000 The criminal girl? 0.99

01:02:33.000 You know, okay, the one where I say the girl has, she walks into the gate, that's trespassing. 0.99

01:02:39.000 She never knocks, she just twists it, that's unlawful entry, and the bitch has got a lot of charges. 1.00

01:02:45.000 Then she sit down to eat the food and say, ooh, this food too hot. 1.00

01:02:49.000 Bitch, this ain't your food. 1.00

01:02:51.000 Fuck outta here, you know? 1.00

01:02:52.000 Except it's a whole long story that I do with that. 1.00

01:02:57.000 Dude, I had like a two to three minute standing ovation applause break.

01:03:04.000 Wow.

01:03:05.000 Because everybody's like, that's the guy!

01:03:07.000 It's the soggy bottom boys!

01:03:11.000 And And then, so, boom, no one can follow that.

01:03:16.000 So, boom, the next night they go, well, we'll have you close the first half.

01:03:19.000 Okay, boom.

01:03:20.000 And then, so, I was closing the show, and they had a group act. 0.95

01:03:25.000 They had guys who, three men who juggled and do all the, I had to close the fucking show behind them, because every little town we was going in in Australia, they was going, I walk out there going, ah! 0.71

01:03:38.000 The road manager was going, okay, everybody get ready. 0.98

01:03:42.000 Like that.

01:03:43.000 Because I would walk out of small towns and they'd just go...

01:03:46.000 From this one accidental comedy special.

01:03:50.000 Yeah.

01:03:51.000 Now, how come you didn't do more after that?

01:03:53.000 I don't know, man.

01:03:57.000 I've been doing comedy 30 plus years.

01:03:59.000 You are one of the best comics ever that doesn't have a special.

01:04:04.000 No, you're the best comic ever that doesn't have a special.

01:04:06.000 How about that?

01:04:07.000 Oh wait, I did the Comedy Central special.

01:04:09.000 Remember that?

01:04:09.000 Oh, when was that?

01:04:11.000 I think that was 2000 or 2001, something like that.

01:04:14.000 Comedy Central.

01:04:15.000 And was that a half hour?

01:04:16.000 I think 20 minutes.

01:04:18.000 Me, Zach Frenakalakaris, and Sklar...

01:04:21.000 Zach Galifianakis?

01:04:22.000 Yeah, my guy.

01:04:23.000 I got a speech pattern with Zach.

01:04:24.000 He know me.

01:04:26.000 Because his name just keeps going.

01:04:28.000 When you say it, you say Zach Frenakalakaris.

01:04:30.000 Yeah, it keeps going.

01:04:31.000 Yeah, it keeps going, man.

01:04:33.000 It's like heavy D. Yeah, but you haven't done like an hour special.

01:04:38.000 Nah, it was me, Zach, the Sklar brothers, and Tom Popper.

01:04:42.000 Oh, I love Tom Popper.

01:04:44.000 Yeah, we did that.

01:04:45.000 Because Tom Popper to me is...

01:04:47.000 What's his name?

01:04:49.000 Jack Benny.

01:04:50.000 Yeah, very similar.

01:04:52.000 Tom Popper looks like he belongs in another time era when he's on stage.

01:04:56.000 What was the black dude with Jack Benny?

01:04:58.000 Was this Roscoe or Winchester?

01:05:01.000 Oh, I don't.

01:05:01.000 I never watched that show.

01:05:02.000 It was black comedy, but black people didn't like it, but it was funny shit. 1.00

01:05:12.000 He said, because he would say shit like, he said, Roscoe, you know, I think I see the bear. 1.00

01:05:17.000 Give me the rifle. 1.00

01:05:19.000 Roscoe, give me the rifle.

01:05:21.000 And then he looked back, Roscoe was like, I'm in the car, boss!

01:05:24.000 It was very bad, but it was very...

01:05:28.000 This is it right here?

01:05:30.000 Boom! 0.99

01:05:30.000 That's him! 0.99

01:05:32.000 That's the black dude right there.

01:05:33.000 What's his name?

01:05:34.000 What was his name?

01:05:35.000 Rochester.

01:05:36.000 Rochester Anderson.

01:05:37.000 Rochester Anderson.

01:05:38.000 Died in 1977. Wow.

01:05:43.000 Jack Benny.

01:05:44.000 Yeah.

01:05:45.000 And look at that.

01:05:45.000 It looks like Tom Papa standing there down there.

01:05:47.000 A little bit.

01:05:48.000 Yeah.

01:05:49.000 He's like, give me Tom Papa!

01:05:50.000 See, look at that down the bottom. 0.99

01:05:53.000 See, that's Tom Papa right there.

01:05:54.000 If you took Tom Papa and shoved him in another time, he'd fit right in, in the Jack Benny era.

01:06:01.000 There's a lot of dudes like that.

01:06:04.000 Rochester look a little bit like Roy Wood Jr. Look at Jack Benny with Marilyn Monroe.

01:06:09.000 Where?

01:06:09.000 Right there.

01:06:10.000 Is that Jane Mansfield?

01:06:11.000 No, that's Marilyn Monroe. 0.88

01:06:12.000 That's Marilyn Monroe. 1.00

01:06:13.000 God damn, she was hot. 1.00

01:06:16.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:06:17.000 I hit that look.

01:06:20.000 Look at that.

01:06:22.000 He got that look like he done something.

01:06:25.000 Something terrible.

01:06:26.000 Look at him.

01:06:28.000 He's gripping her waist, too.

01:06:30.000 Yeah.

01:06:31.000 Did he date her or something?

01:06:33.000 It look like he hit it.

01:06:35.000 It seems like there were a lot of pictures of them together.

01:06:40.000 I'm suspicious.

01:06:43.000 Her waist is small.

01:06:47.000 That's natural.

01:06:48.000 That's like no gym time at all.

01:06:51.000 Women didn't even know you could exercise back then. 1.00

01:06:54.000 That motherfucker looked like Dracula when he was younger though. 1.00

01:06:57.000 Oh, right there? 1.00

01:06:58.000 Yeah.

01:06:59.000 Totally.

01:06:59.000 Oh, on the news, on NBC radio.

01:07:02.000 Isn't that wild, man?

01:07:03.000 The people used to do comedy on the radio. 0.99

01:07:05.000 They used to do, like, sketches and shit on the radio. 0.97

01:07:07.000 You know who else has that old-timey voice? 0.98

01:07:10.000 Dan Natterman.

01:07:12.000 Okay.

01:07:13.000 Yeah.

01:07:14.000 Did you ever see that movie about Seabiscuit and the guy who was doing the announcers?

01:07:18.000 No.

01:07:18.000 What do you say there?

01:07:20.000 The guy from Shameless.

01:07:22.000 He was the voice in that movie about the horse.

01:07:26.000 Oh, I know who you're talking about.

01:07:28.000 I watch too much movies.

01:07:30.000 But Joe, I tell you, my career has kind of been like Forrest Gump, the character, Forrest Gump.

01:07:36.000 You know, people always go, what happened? 0.77

01:07:38.000 But everything that happened, like a lot of the big shit that happened in comedy, I was right there. 0.95

01:07:45.000 I don't know what happened, but I was right there. 0.91

01:07:48.000 And then people...

01:07:49.000 Like, remember when Forrest said, so one day I just started running.

01:07:57.000 He don't know why people's following him.

01:07:59.000 Like, people go, oh my god, you've influenced so many people. 0.99

01:08:02.000 I'm like, I don't know why the fuck they following me, dawg. 0.98

01:08:06.000 I'm not just leaving my special. 0.99

01:08:08.000 I'm not just leaving my successful film career.

01:08:11.000 I'm not just leaving my sitcom career. 0.99

01:08:14.000 I'm not leaving none of that shit. 0.99

01:08:15.000 I'm just running. 1.00

01:08:17.000 And motherfuckers are just following me. 1.00

01:08:20.000 And then they hang on my words. 1.00

01:08:23.000 Sometimes I'm just talking.

01:08:25.000 In my own head. 1.00

01:08:27.000 Really, remember when the guy came up and the mud splashed and he said, shit! 1.00

01:08:35.000 And then he says, it happens like that. 0.99

01:08:39.000 And it's been times when I've run into comedians and go, yo, I will never forget the time that you said to me.

01:08:46.000 Because, you know, the guys, they come on, I say, yo, good set, man.

01:08:50.000 They go, you liked it?

01:08:51.000 I'm like, son, you changed my life.

01:08:55.000 Right?

01:08:56.000 Which is better than, like, some comedians would go, you need to get out of the business.

01:08:59.000 Right.

01:09:00.000 As a matter of fact, somebody said that to him, to that guy who plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new...

01:09:09.000 What's his name?

01:09:09.000 Damon?

01:09:10.000 Jamin? 0.91

01:09:11.000 Jamal?

01:09:12.000 I forgot his name.

01:09:13.000 I know him, though.

01:09:13.000 He plays Damon Wayne?

01:09:14.000 No, he plays Eddie Murphy's son?

01:09:15.000 No, he plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new Coming to America.

01:09:18.000 I don't know who that is.

01:09:19.000 But anyway, he's from D.C. too.

01:09:21.000 Oh, okay.

01:09:22.000 And I remember when he had first moved to New York, and he just called me at one day and just kind of, he said, man, do you think I moved to New York too soon?

01:09:28.000 You think? 0.99

01:09:29.000 And he used those exact words, and we both know who the fuck said that. 0.99

01:09:32.000 He said, do you think I need to get out of the business? 1.00

01:09:36.000 Nah, I was like, man, fuck that dude. 1.00

01:09:38.000 Who said it? 1.00

01:09:39.000 You know, who used to always say that?

01:09:40.000 He need to get out the business.

01:09:42.000 Patrice?

01:09:42.000 Nah.

01:09:45.000 Who?

01:09:45.000 Who said it?

01:09:46.000 You know who used to say that.

01:09:47.000 No.

01:09:48.000 Where we go?

01:09:49.000 Chick-fil-A? Did you get any chicken fingers at Chick-fil-A? Well, then I don't know, because I don't like disrespect the dead.

01:10:01.000 I don't know what you're saying.

01:10:02.000 You'll figure it out soon.

01:10:04.000 I have no idea what you're talking about.

01:10:05.000 Don't worry about it, man.

01:10:06.000 Sometimes my joke's in the future.

01:10:08.000 Okay.

01:10:09.000 We don't have to talk about it.

01:10:10.000 But did it ever occur to you that, like, man, I need to get out, like, an hour special?

01:10:15.000 Because so many people would come to see you just based on other people's recommendations, based on having seen you before.

01:10:21.000 I mean, you always did well.

01:10:22.000 Everybody loved you.

01:10:23.000 Sometimes...

01:10:24.000 I'll have an amazing two and a half hour set in some little club like I just did to Dead Crow, right?

01:10:32.000 And then I'll be somewhere big and they'll be like, yeah, he was good.

01:10:38.000 He was good, yeah.

01:10:40.000 But when it's like, yeah, I don't know.

01:10:45.000 I don't know what this is.

01:10:46.000 But I know you're working on a special right now.

01:10:50.000 Yeah, they are.

01:10:51.000 And that's what, because they keep saying, hey man, you ready?

01:10:54.000 I'm like, I was fucking ready when you asked me the first time.

01:10:58.000 Who are you doing it with? 0.99

01:10:59.000 The only time I wasn't ready, and ironically enough, the goddamn special was called They Ready. 0.99

01:11:08.000 Goddamn, no I'm not right now. 0.98

01:11:11.000 Because that's when Tiffany called and said, yo, I'm doing this Day Ready special. 0.88

01:11:15.000 Come on, get on. 0.95

01:11:16.000 Because she said, these guys been around.

01:11:18.000 But at that point, we had been sitting still, dude.

01:11:21.000 I had, you know, I was driving for Grubhub.

01:11:25.000 You know, just...

01:11:27.000 This is during COVID? During COVID. And, like, I was in Amsterdam.

01:11:32.000 Because David gave me a shout-out on...

01:11:35.000 On the Mark Twain Award, and things just started popping.

01:11:38.000 Things started popping, man.

01:11:40.000 And I was over there, and Amsterdam was a guy named James Alcher.

01:11:43.000 I was doing Caroline's.

01:11:44.000 I mean, you know, boom, just killing it.

01:11:46.000 And I came back on a Sunday. 0.99

01:11:51.000 Shit closed down on, I think, that Monday over there. 0.98

01:11:55.000 Then that weekend, I went to Minneapolis. 0.97

01:11:59.000 So that was my last gig before that.

01:12:01.000 And I just jumped right on it and started working for it.

01:12:04.000 Grubhub, and I forgot the point I was making, Joe.

01:12:07.000 But you're talking about they ready.

01:12:09.000 Oh yeah!

01:12:10.000 They ready.

01:12:11.000 So it's like, and then she called me up, like, boom.

01:12:16.000 And I'm like, I ain't that ready.

01:12:19.000 You know, I'm not that, I was not that ready.

01:12:23.000 I had gotten so comfortable, like, and imagine in over 30 years, that was the first time I slept in the same bed. 0.96

01:12:34.000 For more than, fuck, 10 days. 0.99

01:12:37.000 Wow. 1.00

01:12:38.000 Yeah, for more than 10 days.

01:12:41.000 Well, it was like three months, I slept in the exact same bed.

01:12:44.000 No matter where I went and snuck around and did some little dirty COVID shows, I still came back to the same house and washed my hands real vigorously like, hope I don't make y'all sick, but I need these streets.

01:12:57.000 I need these streets.

01:12:58.000 The only time I got nervous if I get the test is when I went to Yellow Springs.

01:13:03.000 Dave's like, yeah, man.

01:13:04.000 Once you're out here, man, you got to do this. 0.99

01:13:06.000 And that night, went to this little shit in D.C. in the alley. 0.99

01:13:10.000 Like, shh, everybody come on in. 1.00

01:13:11.000 Don't say nothing.

01:13:12.000 Lock the door.

01:13:12.000 Doing comedy in there.

01:13:14.000 Everybody's inside.

01:13:15.000 You can't smoke outside.

01:13:16.000 You smoke outside.

01:13:17.000 Somebody's going to see, hey, what's going on over there?

01:13:20.000 So we lock the door.

01:13:21.000 It's like a little peephole.

01:13:23.000 And then the next day, Dave flew us out to Yellow Springs.

01:13:26.000 And I'm like, and, you know, they give you the little, like, now if you test positive, uh... 0.99

01:13:32.000 You know, don't take your shit out the car. 0.99

01:13:34.000 It's going to take you right back to the jet. 1.00

01:13:37.000 I was like, fuck. 1.00

01:13:39.000 And everybody was there. 1.00

01:13:40.000 Kevin and everybody was there. 0.99

01:13:41.000 It was like, damn, man. 1.00

01:13:42.000 I done fucked up. 1.00

01:13:43.000 But you didn't get it. 0.99

01:13:44.000 I didn't get it.

01:13:45.000 Yeah, I'm not going to win.

01:13:46.000 That was the only time I was worried about it.

01:13:48.000 You think you might have got it in January of 2020, though?

01:13:50.000 I'm sure I got it in January.

01:13:51.000 I got it in January at a New Year's Eve party in D.C. Yeah.

01:13:54.000 And I made myself well because I had Caroline's for the first time in years.

01:14:02.000 Oh, yeah, in years.

01:14:05.000 Sure.

01:14:06.000 You remember Carolines.

01:14:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:14:07.000 Okay.

01:14:08.000 So I was there one time.

01:14:10.000 I was hanging out with one of the guys who worked there.

01:14:14.000 And we drinking because it was snowing, a big snowstorm.

01:14:16.000 And Rock was going to be there that night.

01:14:19.000 But I stopped by around 4 in the afternoon because I ain't got no show anymore.

01:14:22.000 After that, I was going to get on the train and go down to the Boston Comedy Club.

01:14:26.000 So my man came, and he's handicapped.

01:14:30.000 I ain't gonna say his name, but he's a very good friend of mine from Philadelphia.

01:14:34.000 How many more hints do you need?

01:14:36.000 Anyway, he fell down the steps.

01:14:42.000 Yeah, like in Eddie Murphy, boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:14:45.000 I'm halfway down.

01:14:48.000 And you know that landing at Caroline's?

01:14:51.000 Kabam!

01:14:52.000 I know.

01:14:53.000 And you're like, but then we go, when he said that, you're like, man, I thought you, but he only had a cut over his eye.

01:15:01.000 And we had been drinking.

01:15:04.000 Day drinking.

01:15:05.000 I don't day drink, man. 1.00

01:15:06.000 You know, sometimes you say shit you shouldn't say. 1.00

01:15:08.000 You don't say, fuck that shit, I'll sue Carolines while you sitting in Carolines drinking free liquor and eating free food. 1.00

01:15:17.000 You don't say, yeah, fuck That was why not? 1.00

01:15:26.000 When I get drunk, you have to spell my name backwards. 1.00

01:15:30.000 That motherfucker. 1.00

01:15:32.000 He don't know how to act, man. 1.00

01:15:34.000 I'm like, Tony didn't say that.

01:15:36.000 Tony's a nice guy.

01:15:37.000 I never say that. 0.98

01:15:37.000 But that fucking why not? 0.98

01:15:39.000 Why not say that? 0.98

01:15:40.000 And then nobody ever said anything except for Barry.

01:15:43.000 Barry said, well, why would you say something like that?

01:15:48.000 Barry Katz?

01:15:48.000 Yeah, why would you say something like that, man?

01:15:51.000 I'm like, I wouldn't...

01:15:52.000 I mean, that's what people say.

01:15:54.000 It's what people say in a black neighborhood. 1.00

01:15:56.000 Like, you see black people jaywalk and they go, I wish that motherfucker would hit me. 1.00

01:16:00.000 No, you don't. 1.00

01:16:01.000 You don't wish he would hit you, but that's just some shit we say. 1.00

01:16:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:16:06.000 Shit talking. 1.00

01:16:06.000 Yeah, shit talking. 1.00

01:16:07.000 I was just talking shit. 1.00

01:16:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:16:09.000 Normal. 1.00

01:16:10.000 Normal shit. 1.00

01:16:11.000 Wasn't working at Caroline's no more, though. 1.00

01:16:13.000 That was it?

01:16:13.000 That was it, until Dave gave me a shout-out.

01:16:17.000 Oh, really?

01:16:18.000 Yeah.

01:16:19.000 They cut you off from that?

01:16:20.000 Nobody ever cut me off.

01:16:22.000 It just never happened again.

01:16:24.000 We don't have any more veils.

01:16:26.000 So when Dave gave you the shout out on the Mark Twain award, did that open up a lot of doors for you?

01:16:30.000 Yeah, it did.

01:16:30.000 That's beautiful.

01:16:31.000 I was just telling you, I was like, we was getting it.

01:16:33.000 We was kicking it. 0.99

01:16:34.000 And then the COVID shit happened. 0.99

01:16:36.000 And then Tiffany, you know, and Wiz, it's a good thing I had a fan base because people was like, we saw you and it was good. 0.99

01:16:46.000 Listen, we know you're funny. 1.00

01:16:49.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:16:50.000 That ain't the compliment I want! 1.00

01:16:51.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:16:53.000 We know you're funny.

01:16:54.000 Those other people just didn't get it.

01:16:57.000 But first of all, it was outdoors, and there was a low-hanging fog, so it made it like a theater.

01:17:04.000 First night, I wasn't getting it all, but the second night.

01:17:08.000 I put a whole bunch of different little sets together.

01:17:12.000 But to get back to your special, I don't know.

01:17:19.000 Who is producing your special?

01:17:21.000 David.

01:17:22.000 Oh, David's doing Earthquake, too.

01:17:25.000 Yeah, he's a local comedian from Washington, D.C. area.

01:17:28.000 Oh, David Chappelle?

01:17:29.000 David Chappelle.

01:17:30.000 I'm aware of him.

01:17:31.000 So I love that Dave's doing yours and he's doing Earthquakes too.

01:17:35.000 And Donnell's too.

01:17:36.000 And he's doing Donnell's.

01:17:37.000 Beautiful.

01:17:38.000 Donnell and Quake have already done this.

01:17:42.000 Yes.

01:17:43.000 Yeah.

01:17:43.000 So is yours going to be for Netflix?

01:17:47.000 Do you know what it's going to be for?

01:17:49.000 I don't know. 0.93

01:17:53.000 I've never met a man as good as you at comedy that's so fucking casual about his career. 0.87

01:17:57.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

01:17:58.000 Yeah, man, you can't be trippin' out about shit. 0.99

01:18:00.000 Oh, I know, but you take it to another level. 1.00

01:18:03.000 You can't be trippin' out about shit to as far as it can go. 0.99

01:18:07.000 I can't even see him. 0.99

01:18:08.000 What is he doing out there? 0.99

01:18:10.000 You can't be trippin' out about shit, but he's just doing it a hundred miles away. 0.99

01:18:14.000 Well, as I drive down the road of life, Joe, sometimes I say, God, just give me a sign. 0.99

01:18:20.000 And then it'll be a yellow light and I go, I can make it.

01:18:30.000 Yeah, it's a funny thing.

01:18:33.000 There's these guys that we all know that are these legendary comedians that all the comedians respect, all the comics love, but for whatever reason, they don't get the same amount of appreciation, whether it's from Netflix or from whatever.

01:18:52.000 And that's you.

01:18:53.000 You're one of those guys.

01:18:55.000 That's one of the reasons why we brought you up so many times on the podcast.

01:18:58.000 I noticed something some years ago.

01:19:02.000 It was in town for the Def Jam tapings.

01:19:05.000 And people kept coming by and going, hey, what's up, y'all comedians? 0.99

01:19:08.000 Yo, man, you funny shit. 1.00

01:19:10.000 Oh, man, you crazy. 1.00

01:19:11.000 And then people always take a pause and they go, hey, man, I love you, man. 0.99

01:19:17.000 Nobody ever say that I'm funny.

01:19:20.000 They just go, I love you, man.

01:19:23.000 And then sometimes people leave the show and they go, you know, I don't even like comedy.

01:19:30.000 But yeah, you was good.

01:19:33.000 I don't even like comedy.

01:19:34.000 What do you say to those people?

01:19:36.000 Why?

01:19:37.000 Why don't you like comedy?

01:19:38.000 I just go, thanks.

01:19:39.000 You know, like a lot of times I go, I only came because she told me to come. 1.00

01:19:44.000 Okay, you enjoy yourself, motherfucker? 0.99

01:19:48.000 Well, some people, they're reluctant to give you compliments. 1.00

01:19:52.000 Yeah, but very seldom do I hear funny.

01:19:55.000 It's usually, I love you, man.

01:19:57.000 It's just, you know, oh my god, I love you. 0.65

01:20:00.000 Like that, it's never like, you are so fucking funny.

01:20:05.000 It's like calm. 0.97

01:20:06.000 Yeah, I love you.

01:20:08.000 I love you too, I guess.

01:20:11.000 So you don't even have a time schedule for when you're going to do your special?

01:20:16.000 I'm assuming it's going to be on Netflix. 1.00

01:20:18.000 Hurry up, because motherfuckers are dying like dogs. 1.00

01:20:21.000 Every time I turn around, somebody's dying. 1.00

01:20:23.000 That was kind of depressing, wasn't it?

01:20:25.000 That is true.

01:20:26.000 Well, as we get older, that's just the fact of the life we're living.

01:20:31.000 I was on the phone when you got in here with Joey Diaz, who just caught COVID. He's fine.

01:20:40.000 He's all good.

01:20:40.000 We got him vitamin drips and monoclonal antibodies.

01:20:45.000 Joey's in New Jersey now.

01:20:46.000 He's living in New Jersey.

01:20:47.000 He's the king of New Jersey.

01:20:48.000 I went to visit him down there.

01:20:49.000 Went to a restaurant.

01:20:50.000 Everybody knows him.

01:20:51.000 It was hilarious. 0.98

01:20:52.000 I was like, damn it, he's never leaving New Jersey. 0.97

01:20:54.000 Because I wanted him to come to Austin. 0.98

01:20:55.000 But as soon as I saw him in New Jersey, I was like, alright, I get it.

01:20:58.000 I get it.

01:20:59.000 This is his spot.

01:21:01.000 He belongs there.

01:21:02.000 I'll just fly him out.

01:21:03.000 Mike Robles was sick, I think, too.

01:21:05.000 Oh, yeah?

01:21:06.000 I think he was there.

01:21:06.000 I saw it on Facebook.

01:21:07.000 How's he doing now?

01:21:09.000 He's doing good.

01:21:10.000 When I first moved to New York, that's the first TV spot I did.

01:21:14.000 Oh, really?

01:21:14.000 Que Loco.

01:21:15.000 Oh, no.

01:21:16.000 Oh, okay.

01:21:16.000 Mike Robles was on the Spanish channel.

01:21:19.000 And at the time, my dad lived up in Washington Heights.

01:21:22.000 He still lives in Washington Heights, like up 200th and Broadway, way up there.

01:21:27.000 And one night I go to the bodega, and the little Dominican lady, she said...

01:21:32.000 And she's having her... 0.99

01:21:36.000 Her grandson is laughing like shit and telling me... 1.00

01:21:40.000 He said, yo, she saw you on television. 1.00

01:21:43.000 And she says she's so proud of you.

01:21:46.000 She says she could tell you was having problems with your English, but you stuck with it and showed them... 0.76

01:21:55.000 In English. 1.00

01:21:59.000 You're like, bitch, that's the only thing I speak? 1.00

01:22:02.000 But she was like, you know, I saw you having some problems. 1.00

01:22:07.000 You kind of slowed down a couple times.

01:22:10.000 That's hilarious!

01:22:12.000 That's hilarious.

01:22:14.000 Her grandson was like, yo.

01:22:15.000 Because he knew to see me.

01:22:19.000 As a matter of fact, he used to call me Kehorois.

01:22:25.000 That's how you say, what time is it?

01:22:26.000 Yeah.

01:22:27.000 So, when I would be going to an audition or something in the morning, walking to the train, I noticed people just always go, Kehore is.

01:22:36.000 They go, yeah, what's up?

01:22:37.000 Tony.

01:22:40.000 I thought they'd see me.

01:22:41.000 I thought they'd see me on Def Jam. 0.99

01:22:44.000 I just knew whatever they were saying was a fucking question. 0.99

01:22:47.000 Right, right. 0.99

01:22:48.000 I didn't know.

01:22:48.000 Because they go, Kehore is.

01:22:50.000 And I go, It's Tony.

01:22:54.000 And then they do like this.

01:22:56.000 They point at the watch and they go, oh, it's such and such a time.

01:22:59.000 But I didn't put two and two together.

01:23:01.000 Right.

01:23:01.000 That they were asking me.

01:23:02.000 What time is it?

01:23:04.000 Yeah, it's all good.

01:23:10.000 So this thing with Dave, you don't like, because Earthquake is wondering when his is coming out too.

01:23:16.000 Well, he did.

01:23:17.000 He did his already.

01:23:18.000 But he doesn't exactly know when it's coming out.

01:23:22.000 But man, it's hard.

01:23:23.000 You know, Dave said, hey man, whenever you're ready.

01:23:26.000 I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.

01:23:27.000 And then he said, just let me know.

01:23:29.000 He said, man, I'm letting you know.

01:23:32.000 Let's go. 0.98

01:23:33.000 But I mean, you know, every time you turn around, man, dude's chasing him with dresses on, all kinds of shit going on. 0.99

01:23:40.000 He said, tie up your shoes, son, you in a drag race. 1.00

01:23:44.000 Ah!

01:23:47.000 Run, Dave!

01:23:48.000 Run! 0.68

01:23:49.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

01:23:50.000 That shit's died down, though. 0.98

01:23:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:23:52.000 They're leaving him alone now.

01:23:53.000 You're just realizing how many of the people that are upset at him didn't even watch the special.

01:23:57.000 Yeah.

01:23:58.000 They watched the special, and you still are angry at him, and you missed the point.

01:24:02.000 They're saying, we was somewhere, man.

01:24:05.000 It's me.

01:24:06.000 I was on the road with Louis C.K. So I go outside the comedy club.

01:24:10.000 Some people out there having a silent protest.

01:24:13.000 And I'm like, yo, what's up?

01:24:14.000 What's going on?

01:24:14.000 And the girl says, there's a comedian in there.

01:24:17.000 And he's performing. 0.97

01:24:22.000 He's racist. 1.00

01:24:23.000 Name all of the shit that they said he is. 1.00

01:24:25.000 Sexist, transphobic. 1.00

01:24:28.000 Homophobic. 0.99

01:24:29.000 I'm like, what? 1.00

01:24:30.000 And she had said all this shit. 1.00

01:24:31.000 I'm going to say, he racist too? 1.00

01:24:35.000 And she was like, I said, well, fuck that. 1.00

01:24:38.000 Give me a sign. 1.00

01:24:39.000 And she was like, no, no, no.

01:24:42.000 We're having a silent protest. 1.00

01:24:43.000 I'm like, nah, fuck that. 1.00

01:24:44.000 I said, that's his picture right there. 1.00

01:24:46.000 I'm going to fuck him up. 1.00

01:24:48.000 I don't have to stay in line. 1.00

01:24:50.000 I cut right through the line and go in the back.

01:24:53.000 I forgot to...

01:24:54.000 Where is it?

01:24:54.000 It's somewhere, man, but it's like they got a back room with karaoke.

01:24:58.000 Like, you walk through the back.

01:24:59.000 I go in the back.

01:25:00.000 I forgot all about that. 0.99

01:25:01.000 I was fucking with that girl. 1.00

01:25:02.000 I didn't think nothing was going to happen. 1.00

01:25:04.000 Sit back there, and then, boom. 0.98

01:25:06.000 She comes in with the police and shit, and she's like... 0.99

01:25:11.000 You know, she wanted to go. 0.99

01:25:13.000 That's him, but she was like... 1.00

01:25:15.000 Right, to you?

01:25:16.000 No, to the policeman.

01:25:18.000 Because we're all sitting in the back, you know, just talking about whatever. 0.97

01:25:22.000 It's me, Lynn Coplitz, and we're all just sitting there, and the girl, you know, because the girl and the policeman and the manager or the owner of the club come in, Because they thought that you were going back there to fuck up the comedian. 0.99

01:25:35.000 Fuck up Louis, yeah. 0.99

01:25:36.000 Right. 1.00

01:25:36.000 Because she saw me, I dipped all over your back. 1.00

01:25:38.000 So she called the police.

01:25:40.000 She didn't call, the police was right there.

01:25:41.000 Okay, so she got the police.

01:25:43.000 And she says, I think that guy's going back there to do something to the comedian. 0.98

01:25:45.000 To fuck up Louis C.K. Yeah. 0.99

01:25:48.000 So when she come in and she see me first, she's like... 1.00

01:25:54.000 Like, that's the motherfucker right there! 1.00

01:25:56.000 That's the motherfucker right there! 1.00

01:25:58.000 And what happened? 1.00

01:25:59.000 And I'm like, yo, what's up, shawty? 1.00

01:26:02.000 She was like, I'm like, yeah, I got that motherfucker! 1.00

01:26:05.000 Like, I was just joking around. 0.99

01:26:07.000 And then, yeah, she ended up, she didn't know What Louie had done, she took pictures, they gave her a t-shirt for the club, took a picture with Louie in the green room.

01:26:20.000 She took a picture of Louie?

01:26:22.000 Yes, she was just there because some girl from her college said, yeah, let's go do this, let's go protest. 1.00

01:26:29.000 That's the thing, man.

01:26:31.000 It's like so many of the people that they haven't even thought it through.

01:26:33.000 They don't even know what he did.

01:26:35.000 Yeah, I didn't know what he did. 0.99

01:26:37.000 If you were in the room with Louis when he jerked off and he said, can I jerk off in front of you? 0.99

01:26:42.000 And you said yes. 0.99

01:26:43.000 I guess you got an argument that maybe you shouldn't have been asked that question.

01:26:49.000 Yeah.

01:26:50.000 Because it puts you in an uncomfortable situation.

01:26:53.000 Remember that joke that Kevin Brennan used to have about consent?

01:26:58.000 No, I don't know the joke.

01:27:00.000 He says, on the college campus, you meet a girl and go, can I kiss you?

01:27:04.000 Yes, you can kiss me.

01:27:05.000 Can we make up?

01:27:07.000 Can we do this?

01:27:07.000 So it gets hot and heavy.

01:27:09.000 So they're having sex. 0.99

01:27:10.000 He says, boom, can I do it, dog? 0.99

01:27:12.000 He says, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:27:13.000 And then he says, can I stick it in your butt? 1.00

01:27:17.000 She goes, what? 1.00

01:27:19.000 He goes, do they sell chicken fingers in Pizza Hut?

01:27:27.000 It was a long...

01:27:28.000 Kevin used to say it was a funny joke.

01:27:30.000 You know how he is.

01:27:31.000 Right.

01:27:31.000 He goes, uh...

01:27:32.000 And, like, because everything...

01:27:34.000 She's... 1.00

01:27:34.000 Everything. 1.00

01:27:35.000 She's down for everything. 1.00

01:27:36.000 And then, you know, can I stick it in your butt? 1.00

01:27:39.000 What?! 1.00

01:27:40.000 Because, did you know, do they sell chicken fingers and pizza?

01:27:46.000 So, it was like that. 1.00

01:27:47.000 Consent shit. 1.00

01:27:48.000 It's funnier when Kevin do it. 1.00

01:27:50.000 It's a timing thing.

01:27:51.000 Yeah, my bad.

01:27:54.000 But that when you were opening for Louis, so that was after the controversy.

01:27:59.000 That was after the controversy, man.

01:28:01.000 It was like we started doing shows again.

01:28:02.000 We went to Portugal together.

01:28:04.000 Oh, yeah?

01:28:05.000 Portugal.

01:28:05.000 We went to Portugal and then we went to...

01:28:07.000 What is it like doing comedy in Portugal?

01:28:09.000 It was dope.

01:28:10.000 Guess who I hung out with?

01:28:11.000 Who? 1.00

01:28:11.000 The fucking... 1.00

01:28:12.000 Is he the mayor or the governor on Queen of the South? 1.00

01:28:16.000 Queen of the South.

01:28:17.000 What is that?

01:28:18.000 It's a Netflix thing.

01:28:21.000 Oh, I don't know that.

01:28:22.000 Okay.

01:28:23.000 What is Queen of the South? 1.00

01:28:24.000 It's like the biggest one.

01:28:25.000 And he plays...

01:28:26.000 He's the third lead character.

01:28:28.000 Oh, I've never heard of the show.

01:28:30.000 Have you heard of Queen of the South?

01:28:31.000 No.

01:28:32.000 There's so many shows, though.

01:28:33.000 Here we go.

01:28:34.000 This is it right here.

01:28:35.000 Which guy did you hang out with?

01:28:37.000 Okay. 1.00

01:28:39.000 I never even heard of this fucking show. 1.00

01:28:40.000 You never? 1.00

01:28:41.000 Okay.

01:28:41.000 It's from 2016. How is he not on the first role?

01:28:45.000 Maybe he lied.

01:28:47.000 No, he's like...

01:28:49.000 That's him right there.

01:28:50.000 Which one?

01:28:50.000 Right there.

01:28:51.000 Go back.

01:28:51.000 The second one.

01:28:52.000 That guy.

01:28:53.000 That guy right there?

01:28:53.000 Yeah, he lives in Portugal.

01:28:55.000 How do you say his name?

01:28:56.000 I don't know.

01:28:57.000 Joaquim de Alameda.

01:29:01.000 Right?

01:29:01.000 Joaquim Alameda?

01:29:02.000 Yeah.

01:29:03.000 That guy?

01:29:03.000 So he lives in Portugal?

01:29:04.000 It is in Portugal. 0.96

01:29:05.000 How the fuck is there a show that has been going on since 2016 I'm just hearing about now? 0.96

01:29:09.000 Man, this is like one of the hottest shows ever. 0.98

01:29:11.000 That's the thing.

01:29:12.000 There's so many shows.

01:29:13.000 Oh, but what about this guy?

01:29:14.000 This is my man right here.

01:29:15.000 Scroll back down.

01:29:16.000 I want you to see this guy.

01:29:17.000 Which guy? 1.00

01:29:18.000 I hate this motherfucker. 1.00

01:29:19.000 But he's so good that you hating him. 1.00

01:29:21.000 You hate him?

01:29:21.000 That guy.

01:29:22.000 Oh, yeah?

01:29:23.000 Did you see Apocalypto?

01:29:29.000 Yes, I did.

01:29:29.000 Yeah.

01:29:30.000 Oh, that's right.

01:29:31.000 That guy was in Apocalypto.

01:29:33.000 He just wanted to bone through his face and everything.

01:29:33.000 Oh, yeah.

01:29:34.000 He was amazing.

01:29:35.000 He was.

01:29:36.000 Oh, he was amazing.

01:29:37.000 Where is he at in Apocalypto?

01:29:38.000 Is he up there?

01:29:38.000 How do you say his name?

01:29:39.000 There he is right there.

01:29:41.000 See right there, that's him in Apocalypto.

01:29:43.000 Tarasena?

01:29:44.000 Tarasena? 1.00

01:29:45.000 That guy was a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:29:46.000 Yeah, see right there. 1.00

01:29:47.000 Okay.

01:29:48.000 See him in Apocalypto?

01:29:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:29:49.000 And I like the part where he go, he jumped off the waterfall.

01:29:52.000 He said, hey, my grandfather hunted in this forest.

01:29:55.000 My father hunted in this forest.

01:29:57.000 And my son and my son's sons were hunting this forest. 1.00

01:30:00.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:30:01.000 And they said, no, fuck you. 1.00

01:30:03.000 And they jumped off the waterfall, too. 1.00

01:30:05.000 He said, you don't remember that?

01:30:06.000 I do remember that.

01:30:07.000 Okay, that was a good point, man.

01:30:08.000 That movie was amazing.

01:30:09.000 That was, man. 1.00

01:30:10.000 It was a wild ass fucking movie. 1.00

01:30:12.000 That was a dope movie. 1.00

01:30:14.000 Apocalypse. 1.00

01:30:14.000 That guy, he was a fucking asshole. 1.00

01:30:17.000 He was an asshole? 1.00

01:30:18.000 Yeah, he's in Queen of the South too. 1.00

01:30:19.000 He was the main... 1.00

01:30:20.000 You mean he's an asshole on the show? 1.00

01:30:23.000 No. 1.00

01:30:24.000 Yeah, on that show too.

01:30:25.000 On Queen of the South too.

01:30:27.000 He's that guy's henchman.

01:30:28.000 Oh, okay.

01:30:29.000 The guy who I hung out with in...

01:30:31.000 Portugal.

01:30:32.000 He's that guy's henchman.

01:30:33.000 What is Queen of the South about? 0.96

01:30:35.000 Cocaine.

01:30:36.000 Oh, okay.

01:30:37.000 And it's on the cartel level.

01:30:40.000 Oh, okay.

01:30:42.000 Basically, they're big drug dealers who buy it straight from the cartel.

01:30:47.000 So, like how Pablo Escobar was the cartel, they're buying from.

01:30:54.000 So they would buy it from Pablo and then distribute it.

01:30:56.000 Yeah, distribute it.

01:30:58.000 They get their hands dirty.

01:31:00.000 Oh, I'm sure.

01:31:03.000 Then after that we went to Brussels.

01:31:06.000 No, we went to Paris.

01:31:08.000 Went to Paris.

01:31:09.000 What is it like doing stand-up in Paris?

01:31:13.000 Snobby.

01:31:16.000 Is it?

01:31:18.000 Really?

01:31:19.000 But it was good.

01:31:21.000 Yeah, they were good.

01:31:22.000 Paris was good.

01:31:25.000 Because Louie's girlfriend lives there.

01:31:27.000 Right.

01:31:28.000 His girlfriend's like one of... 1.00

01:31:29.000 She's like Ellen... 1.00

01:31:32.000 Of Paris.

01:31:32.000 I guess.

01:31:33.000 Yeah.

01:31:34.000 I'm assuming.

01:31:34.000 Yeah, she's nice.

01:31:36.000 She's like a real big comedian over there. 1.00

01:31:38.000 Yeah, and his new special.

01:31:39.000 I watched his new special, Sorry.

01:31:41.000 It's very good.

01:31:42.000 His new one, it's funny.

01:31:43.000 Very funny.

01:31:44.000 He's funny.

01:31:45.000 It's interesting.

01:31:45.000 It's getting mixed reviews, but I think it's just because people want to hate him.

01:31:48.000 The people that are Louis C.K. fans will love it.

01:31:52.000 Will love it.

01:31:52.000 I was at the cellar one night.

01:31:54.000 The big cellar, the underground.

01:31:57.000 He just popped in.

01:32:00.000 And I could see the look on the audience's face.

01:32:02.000 He did 20 minutes on the prose of suicide. 1.00

01:32:07.000 And I was like, you can't do this around motherfuckers who weak and drunk, man. 1.00

01:32:11.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:32:13.000 Because there was a lot of people going...

01:32:14.000 Yeah.

01:32:15.000 I see his point.

01:32:16.000 I see his point. 1.00

01:32:17.000 Hey, motherfucker, stop talking, man. 1.00

01:32:21.000 Somebody gonna kill theyself in here, Louie. 1.00

01:32:24.000 So, yeah. 0.63

01:32:25.000 Well, he's always been one of the most prolific guys.

01:32:28.000 He used to put out a special every year, which I think is too much.

01:32:31.000 I think every couple years, I think you want to give the material time to cook.

01:32:35.000 If you're doing a new special every year, generally speaking, I feel like it could use a little bit more time.

01:32:42.000 With mine, you'll see a car, and you go, it's a nice car.

01:32:46.000 You see it next year, it's got rims, it's a little tenet, it's this. 0.99

01:32:51.000 Then you see it again, it's fucking been elevated. 1.00

01:32:55.000 You say, that's the same car, but wow, look at all the shit you done put on it. 0.99

01:33:02.000 That's how all jokes are. 0.99

01:33:04.000 Some of them, though, come out right out of the box.

01:33:07.000 They're perfect.

01:33:08.000 Just boom.

01:33:09.000 Yeah.

01:33:09.000 It's rare, but some of them do.

01:33:11.000 Some of them come out right out of the box. 0.99

01:33:13.000 You don't have to do shit with them. 0.97

01:33:14.000 But most of them, it takes time. 0.99

01:33:17.000 It takes a little time to get it right, to get it tuned in.

01:33:20.000 I have jokes that I would say 20, 30 years in the making.

01:33:25.000 Yeah.

01:33:26.000 It's because it's from different parts of my life.

01:33:30.000 Like, the first time I did Def Comedy Jam and I did the thing, I said, where the lady sneezed and a booger hit me.

01:33:37.000 And the booger was on me and then I said, the transit cop said, hey, did you hit that lady?

01:33:42.000 I'm like, man, she put a book on me. 1.00

01:33:44.000 And then he says, I'm going to kick your ass. 1.00

01:33:46.000 And I say, well, I was about to run. 1.00

01:33:48.000 Not because I was afraid, but he was handicapped.

01:33:52.000 And everybody go, oh, he wasn't like in a wheelchair.

01:33:54.000 He just had like a little arm.

01:33:57.000 And I do this whole fight thing.

01:33:59.000 We fight.

01:34:00.000 And he hits me with the little arm. 0.99

01:34:07.000 So that shit happened in the sixth grade. 0.99

01:34:11.000 Because this guy said that I was messing with his sister. 0.99

01:34:14.000 But it was like sixth grade love taps.

01:34:17.000 They was jumping double dutch.

01:34:18.000 And I knocked the rope down.

01:34:20.000 What little boys do when they like girls. 0.99

01:34:22.000 But one of his friends liked her.

01:34:26.000 So he said, yeah, he was messing with your sister.

01:34:29.000 And so my man came over with his boys.

01:34:31.000 And he like this. 0.99

01:34:32.000 And he said, yeah, man, I heard you fucking my sister. 1.00

01:34:33.000 I'm like, come on, son. 0.99

01:34:35.000 You don't want this.

01:34:36.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:34:39.000 Come on, you don't want this.

01:34:40.000 Because he had the little arm.

01:34:41.000 I'm like, you don't want this.

01:34:42.000 So you know how the kids get around, like, ooh, and we squaring up, and I'm doing my thing, you know, and man, next thing I know, he, you know, he had his arm around him.

01:34:56.000 We're kind of struggling.

01:34:57.000 And he went, bonk. 0.83

01:35:00.000 It just echoed like a hollow coconut.

01:35:04.000 Because he hit me.

01:35:06.000 With the baby arm?

01:35:07.000 Yeah.

01:35:08.000 Yeah.

01:35:09.000 So it was a big joke.

01:35:11.000 Maybe that's why things ain't working out for me.

01:35:15.000 It's just, you can't...

01:35:17.000 It's just hard to explain a bit without doing a bit.

01:35:20.000 Yeah, so say a bit like that.

01:35:23.000 That little alarm thing happened in sixth grade, whereas the nose thing happened.

01:35:31.000 It did happen on the subway.

01:35:33.000 But it didn't happen to me, but it was a lady, and it looked kind of crusty right here. 0.99

01:35:38.000 And I remember she went.

01:35:40.000 She sneezed like.

01:35:41.000 Like that.

01:35:43.000 And then a booger just went. 1.00

01:35:46.000 Like no one saw but me.

01:35:48.000 And went right on the guy next to her. 0.51

01:35:50.000 And then she like did that in a bubble. 0.99

01:35:55.000 Like where the snot was popped out of there.

01:35:57.000 So I just...

01:35:58.000 Added it to the bit.

01:35:59.000 I twisted it all around.

01:36:01.000 I'm like, but look at that. 1.00

01:36:02.000 That shit was 20 years in the making. 0.99

01:36:04.000 So when you were in France, they understand English? 1.00

01:36:08.000 Yeah.

01:36:09.000 So do they laugh at everything?

01:36:10.000 No, they don't laugh at everything.

01:36:12.000 They're very...

01:36:12.000 So their sense of humor is different?

01:36:15.000 No, it's just, with me, I think I have an easier time because I speak slowly and deliberately.

01:36:22.000 Yeah.

01:36:22.000 And I don't rush, and I don't make it too American, you know?

01:36:28.000 I know when I've crossed the bridge, you know what I'm saying?

01:36:32.000 Like, when I left Manhattan into, you know, like, I remember speaking to Reggie McFadden, the first time he came to D.C., first time I saw him in D.C., and he's up there telling jokes about the subway.

01:36:42.000 Nobody.

01:36:43.000 Yeah, there wasn't again.

01:36:46.000 He's like, everyone rides a train.

01:36:48.000 Yeah, everybody who lives in New York rides a train.

01:36:51.000 And so it was...

01:36:56.000 I'd say the easiest country where people speak another language is the Netherlands.

01:37:01.000 Because, you know, Dutch is English, French, and German mixed together.

01:37:07.000 But Paris...

01:37:08.000 That's what Dutch is?

01:37:09.000 Yeah, it's English, French, and German mixed together.

01:37:12.000 Really?

01:37:12.000 Yeah.

01:37:13.000 It's a combination of three languages?

01:37:14.000 Three languages.

01:37:15.000 Because you're here and they go...

01:37:16.000 Okay, perfect.

01:37:18.000 You're like, what?

01:37:19.000 I understood that last part.

01:37:21.000 Yeah, so they saw all that together.

01:37:25.000 How did Louis do in France?

01:37:27.000 Louis killed.

01:37:28.000 They understand him totally? 0.76

01:37:29.000 Yeah, he killed.

01:37:30.000 Because it was...

01:37:31.000 It was...

01:37:35.000 It was more of like what you saw Mike Tyson do.

01:37:39.000 Like, it's just a soliloquy.

01:37:42.000 Instead of just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.

01:37:44.000 You know, some valid points, some funny nuances.

01:37:49.000 You do.

01:37:51.000 And here's a little about me.

01:37:55.000 And so when he's up there, like, he's doing like an hour?

01:38:02.000 Yeah.

01:38:03.000 And is this in a theater?

01:38:05.000 Do they have comedy clubs up there?

01:38:07.000 Yeah, it was a small theater.

01:38:08.000 As a matter of fact, I think it was called the American Theater.

01:38:12.000 Yeah, it was...

01:38:14.000 Let me see.

01:38:16.000 I would say the spot held about 200, 300. About 200. Because here's the stage, and here are the people...

01:38:24.000 They're kind of almost like a coliseum. 0.99

01:38:29.000 What's that shit called? 0.99

01:38:30.000 Where they doo-doo flying your food. 1.00

01:38:32.000 Doodoo flies near food? 0.97

01:38:34.000 Medieval times.

01:38:35.000 Oh. 1.00

01:38:36.000 It's that shit. 1.00

01:38:39.000 You ever been there? 1.00

01:38:40.000 Oh, you mean like horse shit? 1.00

01:38:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:42.000 Because there's horses running around? 1.00

01:38:43.000 Yeah, and everybody's eating and drinking, and the air is just full of horse shit. 1.00

01:38:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:38:49.000 And I'm like, I'm not... 0.99

01:38:50.000 No.

01:38:51.000 Not smart.

01:38:52.000 Yeah, I'm not...

01:38:53.000 You can get pizza and hot dogs and pretzels and...

01:38:57.000 And they're jousting. 0.99

01:38:58.000 And they're jousting and shit is flying around. 0.99

01:39:01.000 Not interested in that. 0.99

01:39:02.000 Nah.

01:39:03.000 So what other countries did you guys do when you were on the tour?

01:39:07.000 You did Portugal, you did France?

01:39:09.000 Portugal, France, Belgium, and then went to Rotterdam.

01:39:15.000 You gotta go to that club in Rotterdam.

01:39:18.000 Did you ever do the thing in Rotterdam?

01:39:21.000 I've never been to the Netherlands.

01:39:23.000 You gotta go.

01:39:24.000 They speak English very well.

01:39:26.000 Especially in the big cities, like in Amsterdam and in Rotterdam and stuff like that.

01:39:32.000 You know, what's his name?

01:39:34.000 Tom Rhodes is always over there.

01:39:35.000 As a matter of fact, he married a woman from there.

01:39:37.000 Well, Tom Rhodes used to have a show over there.

01:39:39.000 He used to do like a talk show.

01:39:42.000 And it's like it had a different name to it.

01:39:44.000 It's like it wasn't Tom Rhodes.

01:39:46.000 He was playing a different name.

01:39:49.000 I forget what it was called, but it was like Tom Rhodes was the host, but it wasn't the Tom Rhodes show.

01:39:55.000 It was like...

01:39:57.000 I remember he was...

01:39:58.000 It had another name.

01:40:01.000 He was over there all the time.

01:40:02.000 Yeah, he lived there for a while.

01:40:03.000 He was like a star over there.

01:40:05.000 And the late night talk show thing, the format was much more relaxed.

01:40:12.000 You could say a lot more. 1.00

01:40:14.000 You could talk about more shit over there. 0.99

01:40:16.000 The first time it was me, Tony Rock, Godfrey, and Teddy Smith. 0.99

01:40:27.000 And I just remember us watching television. 0.94

01:40:29.000 It wasn't cable or no shit like that. 0.94

01:40:30.000 It was like condom commercials and it'd be two guys. 0.89

01:40:34.000 And then like you see, like what they're doing now in America. 1.00

01:40:37.000 You see a family, the dad be black, the mom be white, the little kids be beige and shit. 0.99

01:40:41.000 I'm like, what? 1.00

01:40:42.000 Because they just wasn't doing that here in America.

01:40:45.000 Now it's all over the place.

01:40:47.000 We're like, wow.

01:40:47.000 It's like these people are progressive and they're very tall.

01:40:51.000 They're big people, right?

01:40:52.000 Here it is.

01:40:53.000 The Kevin Masters show starring Tom Rhodes.

01:40:56.000 Yeah.

01:40:57.000 It's like they just had a...

01:40:59.000 So it's from 2002 to 2004 in the Netherlands.

01:41:03.000 Is that his wife right here? 1.00

01:41:04.000 I don't know.

01:41:05.000 I don't know who that is.

01:41:06.000 Just someone he was interviewing, I think.

01:41:07.000 Just a guest.

01:41:09.000 As a matter of fact, the first time we went, it's because Esty fired me.

01:41:15.000 From the cellar?

01:41:16.000 Yeah, I got there late.

01:41:17.000 I'm always late.

01:41:18.000 I got there a little late, and Esty said, I can't take it.

01:41:21.000 No, no, Tony, I can't take it no more.

01:41:23.000 I'm like, but I'm here now because the show's running behind.

01:41:26.000 I'm still here for my spot.

01:41:27.000 She said, well, yeah, the show's running behind because we had a stall because she wasn't here. 0.94

01:41:32.000 And then Gotham called.

01:41:34.000 He said, we need somebody right now.

01:41:37.000 That's when they had the, what was it, 21st?

01:41:39.000 Mm-hmm.

01:41:40.000 He says, we need somebody right now.

01:41:41.000 I turn around to walk up the stairs.

01:41:43.000 These guys are like, yo, I know this guy that's speaking in Dutch and everything.

01:41:48.000 He said, where are you going?

01:41:48.000 I said, I'm going to Gotham.

01:41:50.000 So they go up to Gotham.

01:41:51.000 And the guy who was the host of the show, he goes, listen, everybody in Suriname loves you.

01:41:56.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:41:57.000 Suriname?

01:41:58.000 Yeah.

01:41:58.000 He's saying this.

01:41:59.000 I just figured this motherfucker had an accent and was mispronouncing Vietnam. 0.99

01:42:05.000 Because if you see him, he look like he could be Blazian. 0.99

01:42:09.000 So maybe his dad was over in Vietnam.

01:42:12.000 He said, man, everybody in Suriname loves you.

01:42:16.000 So then they say, yeah, we're going to bring you.

01:42:18.000 And then one guy would say, have you ever been to the Deadlands before?

01:42:21.000 And the other guy would say, you're going to love Holland. 1.00

01:42:24.000 And I'm like, okay, where are you motherfuckers from? 0.99

01:42:26.000 It's all the same spot. 0.99

01:42:29.000 And then they call me up to do the show.

01:42:32.000 We start going over there to do the show.

01:42:35.000 So that's when you started going on tour over in other countries?

01:42:39.000 No, that's when I just started going to Holland.

01:42:41.000 That was for the Comedy Factory.

01:42:43.000 All of us did that, like Patrice, Rich Voss, they used to bring us over there and do that show in Rotterdam.

01:42:49.000 That was dope.

01:42:50.000 We all ride bicycles. 1.00

01:42:52.000 Did you go over there and do decadent shit like prostitutes? 1.00

01:42:55.000 You go see the prostitutes and take pictures. 1.00

01:42:57.000 That's just it. 0.92

01:42:58.000 Because, I mean, would you walk into a glass booth with everybody looking?

01:43:03.000 Would be sad.

01:43:04.000 Just call into your room.

01:43:07.000 Because it's legal, all that stuff.

01:43:10.000 And then they got the weed and the mushrooms and the...

01:43:13.000 Space cake. 0.95

01:43:14.000 I think they're backing off of some of that stuff over there because so many people go over there and get too fucked up, especially on edibles. 0.94

01:43:23.000 I lost my mind on edibles last time I was there. 0.97

01:43:28.000 Well, if you don't know what you're doing, you eat too much.

01:43:32.000 Space cakes?

01:43:34.000 Yeah, and I get one little piece.

01:43:36.000 Yeah, that's all you need. 0.68

01:43:37.000 And it was like fucking 12 noon, I'm riding my bicycle, go get something to eat, blah, blah, blah, get ready, do the show that night, catch a train to go do the show, come back, and then I'm in the room and I'm laying down. 1.00

01:43:48.000 I guess that's when that shit kicked in. 0.99

01:43:50.000 So I'm like, hey man, my feet long. 1.00

01:43:55.000 I was laying in the bed, but my feet kept going.

01:44:00.000 Stretching out.

01:44:01.000 I'm like, whoa!

01:44:03.000 And it's a good thing I was on the phone because I was like, I don't know something wrong.

01:44:08.000 So then I called downstairs and said, hey man, somebody keep trying to get in my room.

01:44:15.000 Because what would happen is they had the little Ziploc thing on the door.

01:44:21.000 It's not a chain, it's like a zip thing.

01:44:23.000 So when I was going to go downstairs to complain that my bed...

01:44:28.000 It's making my feet long.

01:44:30.000 I was opening the door, and it goes, and then I go, shut it back. 0.99

01:44:35.000 That's when I call and say, yo, man, somebody trying to break in my goddamn room right there. 0.98

01:44:38.000 And I was on the phone, and she says, I'll call. 0.98

01:44:43.000 The Marriott, and ask them to...

01:44:45.000 So my man comes upstairs, he goes...

01:44:47.000 He goes, Mr. Woods.

01:44:49.000 I'm like, what's up?

01:44:51.000 And then I open the door.

01:44:53.000 He goes, you have to...

01:44:55.000 I'm like, oh yeah.

01:44:57.000 Take that off me.

01:44:58.000 Come in.

01:44:58.000 He goes, are you okay?

01:45:00.000 I'm like, yeah, I'm good.

01:45:01.000 Why?

01:45:02.000 He goes, someone called and said that you're having a problem with your feet.

01:45:07.000 I'm like, no.

01:45:09.000 No.

01:45:10.000 Listen, somebody's trying to get in my room.

01:45:13.000 Then he says, have you had anything?

01:45:15.000 Have you indulged yourself?

01:45:16.000 He says, you're not going back out tonight.

01:45:18.000 I'm like, no.

01:45:18.000 He says, they gave me some water.

01:45:20.000 He said, drink this water.

01:45:21.000 And he went into the mini bar and gave me some candy.

01:45:24.000 He said, eat that.

01:45:25.000 He says, there's no charge.

01:45:27.000 Just, you know.

01:45:28.000 It would be nice if you did not go out tonight, Mr. Woods.

01:45:33.000 I'm alright.

01:45:35.000 I'm good.

01:45:36.000 And then, of course, they went back downstairs, and of course I called them back because somebody was still trying to get in my room.

01:45:43.000 So did you go on stage that night?

01:45:45.000 No, I had already been on stage. 1.00

01:45:46.000 The fucking day was over. 0.99

01:45:48.000 I had done that at 12 noon. 1.00

01:45:50.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

01:45:51.000 Yeah, and I'm like, what if that shit had kicked in when I was out in the street, man? 0.99

01:45:56.000 Because, you know, bicycles are like rush hour. 0.99

01:45:58.000 It was like Beijing over there.

01:46:00.000 The bicycles and, like, you know, yeah.

01:46:03.000 And that was one little corner.

01:46:05.000 And the kid who gave it to me, it was another comedian's son.

01:46:08.000 He was like 30. But anyway, he says, yo, that space cake was horrible.

01:46:13.000 It was the worst.

01:46:14.000 It was this.

01:46:15.000 I'm like... 1.00

01:46:16.000 Bitch, I lost my mind last night. 1.00

01:46:18.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:46:19.000 Those people with tolerance, man. 0.99

01:46:21.000 People that have too much tolerance for marijuana, they'll fucking ruin it for you. 0.99

01:46:24.000 Like Joey Diaz. 1.00

01:46:28.000 Joey Diaz can put that shit away. 1.00

01:46:31.000 I've been on planes with him before. 1.00

01:46:32.000 He's eaten like...

01:46:34.000 200-milligram stars of death throwing two, three down his throat at the same time.

01:46:38.000 Wow.

01:46:38.000 I know.

01:46:39.000 It's hard to believe, but I've seen it.

01:46:41.000 I borrowed my son's car.

01:46:43.000 I drove his car, and he always loved gummy bears.

01:46:47.000 I just, you know, while I'm driving, just...

01:46:50.000 And then I went to go get some, went to go get something done at Kinko's, get something copied or something like that.

01:46:58.000 And the lady says, what do you want us to do?

01:47:00.000 I'm like, I don't know how to work this machine.

01:47:04.000 She says, okay, you put your card in, you press start.

01:47:07.000 I'm like, I still don't know how to work this machine. 0.98

01:47:10.000 I don't know what the fuck is going on. 0.99

01:47:11.000 Did you know that the gummy bears were weed? 1.00

01:47:13.000 I did not fucking know. 0.98

01:47:15.000 But I was like, I figured it out after. 0.98

01:47:18.000 How many did you have?

01:47:20.000 It's like a small bag of them. 1.00

01:47:23.000 I ain't holding them motherfuckers. 0.99

01:47:25.000 He owes me. 0.99

01:47:27.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:47:28.000 I'm like, come on, one bag of candy, all the bags of candy, I done bought you, boy.

01:47:34.000 So it's good, man.

01:47:36.000 So do you have an idea of where you want to do your special?

01:47:39.000 Nope.

01:47:40.000 I wanted to do it at Super Funny.

01:47:43.000 What's it called?

01:47:44.000 Nate Jackson's Super Funny Club in Tacoma.

01:47:47.000 Oh, okay.

01:47:48.000 You know him?

01:47:49.000 No, no.

01:47:50.000 The only thing I've done at Tacoma, I did a show with Dave out there.

01:47:53.000 Nate Jackson, he plays Junkyard Dog on Young Rock, the TV show.

01:48:00.000 Okay.

01:48:00.000 On the Young Rock TV show.

01:48:02.000 And I just like his club.

01:48:04.000 And I like that, what do I call it?

01:48:08.000 The Dead Crow.

01:48:09.000 I like the Dead Crow, and I like the comedy works.

01:48:12.000 I'm trying to think of what other clubs.

01:48:13.000 These are clubs that I just feel...

01:48:18.000 So when you do, if you do a special at a club, how many shows do you want to film?

01:48:22.000 Do you want to film two, four?

01:48:24.000 What do you want to do?

01:48:25.000 That's what Dave was saying.

01:48:26.000 How many do you want to do?

01:48:27.000 I just like to do one and go, I like that one.

01:48:31.000 Yeah, but...

01:48:32.000 I know you're not supposed to do that, I heard.

01:48:34.000 Well, it's just, there's a lot of pressure.

01:48:36.000 I know.

01:48:36.000 Sometimes you have a lot of pressure.

01:48:38.000 The pressure is when the execs go, so, have you prepared your set yet?

01:48:47.000 Oh, they want to go over your material with you.

01:48:49.000 That's the worst.

01:48:51.000 For the Tiffany thing.

01:48:54.000 They said that they wanted it typed out.

01:48:56.000 Oh, God. 0.99

01:48:57.000 So I just got some old shit. 0.99

01:49:01.000 And this woman, as a matter of fact, the woman from my podcast, Maya, that's what she does, like, in court or whatever. 1.00

01:49:08.000 A stenographer?

01:49:09.000 Yeah.

01:49:10.000 So she just transcribes the set.

01:49:14.000 And then so when we did the thing, you know, one of the people, she was like, oh, so you changed it around.

01:49:22.000 I changed what around.

01:49:23.000 She said, because you didn't do the bit about this. 0.99

01:49:25.000 I'm like, oh yeah, I haven't done that shit in 20 years. 0.95

01:49:30.000 So you wrote out the set, but you wrote it out totally different. 0.99

01:49:33.000 Yeah, I didn't get a fuck with it.

01:49:34.000 I just said, because they kept pressuring me like, yo, send us a COVID test and send us the transcript. 0.93

01:49:41.000 I sent them the COVID test and he's like, okay, we wanted the transcript.

01:49:44.000 I'm like, mm-mm.

01:49:49.000 I gave money back once.

01:49:51.000 Well, I canceled a special once, because I was on the phone with these executives, and we were going with material, and they're like, well, this has to change.

01:49:57.000 You can't say this like that.

01:49:58.000 You can't say this.

01:49:59.000 And I was like, we're good.

01:50:00.000 I go, we're done.

01:50:01.000 I quit.

01:50:02.000 I go, I'm not doing it.

01:50:03.000 I go, I'm going to do it somewhere else.

01:50:05.000 I'll do it on my own.

01:50:07.000 There's no way I'm doing this special.

01:50:08.000 We can't do this.

01:50:10.000 You can't tell me what I can and can't say.

01:50:12.000 When I did the Comedy Central special, The Half House special.

01:50:17.000 There's a part when I said I smoked weed and I stepped into the television.

01:50:22.000 And I went to Africa.

01:50:24.000 And they were like...

01:50:25.000 They were doing this.

01:50:28.000 And I said, these ain't hands.

01:50:31.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:50:33.000 And I forgot.

01:50:34.000 And I think the guy's like, maybe we should go with boobies.

01:50:40.000 Boobies? 1.00

01:50:41.000 Something about boobies. 0.98

01:50:42.000 Because I said titties. 0.99

01:50:44.000 I say titties in the same way. 0.99

01:50:46.000 He said, maybe we should go with boobies. 0.99

01:50:48.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:50:49.000 And I was like, I said, how long have you been doing comedy?

01:50:52.000 He said, no, I'm just, I forgot his title for comedy.

01:50:57.000 Executive, whatever.

01:50:58.000 Yeah, I said, all right. 0.99

01:51:01.000 And then so, boom, that went through all the little bullet points of what I was going to do and all that shit. 0.98

01:51:08.000 Of course I didn't do it. 0.98

01:51:09.000 And then they go, well, you didn't do it.

01:51:11.000 I'm like, aw, man, I forgot.

01:51:12.000 You should've gave me that list.

01:51:17.000 It's the worst is when they try to give you an alternative word.

01:51:21.000 I know.

01:51:21.000 And you gotta understand.

01:51:22.000 You don't even understand funny. 1.00

01:51:23.000 Oh, fuck it. 1.00

01:51:24.000 And plus, he like... 1.00

01:51:27.000 Man.

01:51:29.000 Every time I watch one of these shows, somebody gets a check for editing.

01:51:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:34.000 Well, put that motherfucker to work. 1.00

01:51:35.000 Because I'm going to say what I'm going to say. 1.00

01:51:40.000 That's hilarious.

01:51:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:41.000 What the fuck is he doing here? 1.00

01:51:42.000 If you're telling me what to say, look. 1.00

01:51:45.000 Fuck out of here. 1.00

01:51:47.000 Go to the editing room, man. 1.00

01:51:48.000 Hey, you fired, motherfucker, because I got to do my own editing. 1.00

01:51:51.000 Get out of here. 1.00

01:51:52.000 So you literally don't know when you're doing it.

01:51:55.000 You don't know where you're doing it.

01:51:57.000 And Dave said, just call me when you're ready.

01:51:59.000 Mm-hmm.

01:52:01.000 I feel like I have to step in and help.

01:52:03.000 Come on in, man.

01:52:04.000 I'm ready.

01:52:05.000 I feel like I have to call Dave and go, Dave, I was talking to Tony and we got to work this out.

01:52:11.000 We got to make this happen.

01:52:12.000 You know how people say that we remind each other of each other a little bit.

01:52:17.000 A little, but I think you definitely influence his style.

01:52:20.000 But I don't mean the comedy way.

01:52:23.000 I mean just kind of in the personality.

01:52:25.000 Relaxed.

01:52:25.000 I watched the podcast.

01:52:27.000 He sat up in here in the podcast with you.

01:52:30.000 And he said, listen, we're going to have to do this for real.

01:52:34.000 I'm going to come back and we're going to do it for real.

01:52:36.000 And I'm like, you just did it.

01:52:38.000 He just did it.

01:52:41.000 He's like, yeah, I'm going to come back.

01:52:43.000 And we're gonna do it.

01:52:43.000 You know, we'll probably do it on such and such time.

01:52:46.000 And you're like, all right, yeah, all right, cool.

01:52:48.000 You're like, we got it.

01:52:49.000 We good.

01:52:50.000 Well, that's the thing with Dave.

01:52:52.000 He marches to the beat of his own drummer, you know?

01:52:57.000 Yeah.

01:52:57.000 Well, see, I'm 10 years old.

01:52:59.000 And they got a lot of different titles for people who march to the beat of their drum.

01:53:05.000 And they got all kind of stuff in there.

01:53:07.000 Back then they used to say, oh he's simple.

01:53:11.000 They called me simple.

01:53:13.000 Simple was before people used good words like autistic and stuff. 1.00

01:53:21.000 The first time I heard somebody say autistic, because the little boy was jumping on The couch with his fucking snow boots on. 0.99

01:53:28.000 And his father goes, hey, don't yell at him because he's autistic. 1.00

01:53:32.000 I'm like, I don't give a fuck if he can paint. 0.99

01:53:34.000 I'm just saying, son. 0.99

01:53:36.000 Tell Picasso to get off my couch. 1.00

01:53:38.000 But that's because I didn't know what it meant.

01:53:42.000 I didn't know what it meant.

01:53:43.000 I'm not a bad person to everybody, but I guess a lot of people can say, maybe karma's keeping you from that special.

01:53:50.000 No.

01:53:51.000 No, it feels like you just need someone to corral you.

01:53:55.000 Yeah.

01:53:55.000 Point you in the right direction.

01:53:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:58.000 Because once you're up there, once you're on stage, you're a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:54:02.000 No doubt. 1.00

01:54:03.000 No doubt about it.

01:54:04.000 100%.

01:54:05.000 I feel like if someone just points a camera at you for five shows, one of them is going to be A+. I think it would be better if nobody told me the cameras are there.

01:54:13.000 That's it.

01:54:14.000 Yes.

01:54:15.000 Yes.

01:54:15.000 Yeah.

01:54:15.000 I think if these motherfuckers hide the cameras...

01:54:18.000 And then they would say something like, okay, see that right there? 1.00

01:54:21.000 That's the camera.

01:54:21.000 And I would go, don't look like a camera.

01:54:22.000 They'd say, don't worry, Tony, that's the camera.

01:54:24.000 And see that over there?

01:54:25.000 That's the camera.

01:54:26.000 Boom.

01:54:27.000 But the camera's really somewhere else.

01:54:29.000 Right.

01:54:29.000 Boom.

01:54:30.000 Yeah.

01:54:30.000 And then I would just go.

01:54:32.000 Well, the thing is about when you do five shows, it's like you just get used to the fact that the cameras are four shows.

01:54:37.000 You'll get used to the fact there's a camera on you, and it won't mean anything to you.

01:54:40.000 Yeah, I never, yeah, well, cameras never mean nothing, especially when they be going.

01:54:45.000 Three, two, one.

01:54:46.000 No, I'm talking about when they telling me to wrap up.

01:54:49.000 Oh, that.

01:54:50.000 And they go, and they go.

01:54:51.000 And they got the red light is blinking on top of the camera.

01:54:55.000 Yeah.

01:54:56.000 Yeah.

01:54:56.000 I would just go, my bad.

01:54:59.000 I did 20 minutes on BET's Comic View one time, too.

01:55:03.000 How much time were you supposed to do?

01:55:05.000 I think four to seven minutes.

01:55:08.000 That was the last one.

01:55:10.000 Well, if you're the last one, what's the big deal? 1.00

01:55:12.000 I said to Bruce Bruce, come on, motherfucker. 1.00

01:55:15.000 Last one. 0.99

01:55:16.000 He said, well, I ain't the one you got to worry about. 1.00

01:55:19.000 Well, then why the fuck you say something to me, dawg? 0.99

01:55:21.000 Listen, it's all good. 0.99

01:55:23.000 Because I think it was the end of the series.

01:55:26.000 And I was just going, going.

01:55:33.000 I had drove 17 hours to get to New Orleans.

01:55:36.000 Oh, really?

01:55:37.000 Yeah, because they gave me money to fly down. 1.00

01:55:39.000 But I said, fuck that. 0.99

01:55:40.000 I'm going to drive. 1.00

01:55:41.000 And drove down there and did the thing.

01:55:44.000 And it was good, man.

01:55:46.000 I guess he's like, you know, we had plans.

01:55:52.000 We was going to go, I don't know. 0.99

01:55:54.000 I was like, damn, man. 0.98

01:55:55.000 He said, but it was produced by Ruby Red. 0.99

01:55:57.000 He said, well, I ain't the one you got to worry about.

01:56:02.000 All right, then.

01:56:03.000 Did you have to worry about anybody?

01:56:04.000 No.

01:56:05.000 He was basically, you know how one of your siblings might say to you, oh, you're going to get it.

01:56:12.000 And then you go, am I in trouble with you?

01:56:14.000 He goes, no, I ain't the one you got to worry about.

01:56:16.000 Well, then...

01:56:17.000 Right.

01:56:18.000 Wait till Dad get here.

01:56:19.000 Yeah.

01:56:22.000 Let's let it go.

01:56:23.000 It's all good, man.

01:56:25.000 Well, whenever your special does come out, please let me know so we can let everybody know.

01:56:30.000 I'm going to do my special in Austin.

01:56:32.000 Yeah?

01:56:33.000 Why not?

01:56:35.000 That's my name.

01:56:36.000 We're going to call it the Why Not Special.

01:56:38.000 It's a great place.

01:56:40.000 Is it good places here?

01:56:41.000 Yeah, there's a lot of great places here.

01:56:43.000 Do you have a night?

01:56:44.000 I thought that you would have a night down here.

01:56:46.000 I do Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the Vulcan Gas Company.

01:56:50.000 Where's that at?

01:56:51.000 It's on 6th Street.

01:56:52.000 Today is Tuesday?

01:56:53.000 Yeah, I do Tuesday night.

01:56:56.000 Well, yeah.

01:56:57.000 My flight leaves today.

01:56:59.000 Well, next time.

01:57:00.000 Whenever your special comes out, we'll have you back.

01:57:03.000 Hey, but check it out. 0.98

01:57:03.000 Can I plug some shit? 0.98

01:57:04.000 Yeah, plug some shit. 1.00

01:57:05.000 Ooh, I forgot almost, man. 1.00

01:57:07.000 TonyWoods.com?

01:57:08.000 No, I don't.

01:57:09.000 You got a website?

01:57:10.000 No, I ain't got a website.

01:57:11.000 You don't have a website?

01:57:12.000 Come on, man.

01:57:13.000 I'm plugging my show.

01:57:17.000 Okay.

01:57:18.000 Plug your show.

01:57:19.000 Come on, man.

01:57:20.000 On the 30th of December, I'll be at the Arlington Cinema and Draft House.

01:57:26.000 It's called Tony Woods and Friends.

01:57:28.000 The shirt that I gave you.

01:57:29.000 Okay.

01:57:29.000 Tony Woods and Friends.

01:57:31.000 And then, damn, I can't think of the other show. 0.97

01:57:33.000 I got some more shows. 0.97

01:57:34.000 But this Thursday...

01:57:35.000 I think they sent them to me.

01:57:36.000 Okay.

01:57:37.000 I think they sent me an email.

01:57:38.000 Hold on, I'm sorry.

01:57:38.000 This Thursday, Arlington Cinema and Draft House.

01:57:41.000 In Arlington, Virginia.

01:57:43.000 Not Texas.

01:57:44.000 Got it.

01:57:49.000 Where's he at?

01:57:51.000 Man, this is...

01:57:52.000 So y'all edit this up?

01:57:53.000 This is gonna come out to be like a half hour? 0.98

01:57:55.000 No, it's two fucking hours. 0.99

01:57:57.000 We're not editing shit. 0.99

01:57:59.000 We've been up here for like four hours. 0.99

01:58:00.000 No, it's two hours.

01:58:02.000 We have?

01:58:02.000 Yeah, we've been doing it for two hours.

01:58:04.000 I was having so much fun, you know.

01:58:05.000 I'm trying to find this email. 0.99

01:58:06.000 I know they sent me an email asking me to talk about some shit. 0.99

01:58:10.000 Oh, Jason? 0.99

01:58:11.000 Probably.

01:58:13.000 Okay, I got it in front of me.

01:58:15.000 Okay, on December 30th, Arlington Drafthouse in Arlington, Virginia.

01:58:20.000 January 13th through the 15th, Atlanta Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

01:58:26.000 January 16th and 17th, Hard Knocks, Laughs in Las Vegas.

01:58:31.000 Where's that?

01:58:32.000 I don't know.

01:58:33.000 I don't either.

01:58:34.000 It's in Vegas.

01:58:35.000 That's in Vegas.

01:58:36.000 Hard Knocks, Laughs, Las Vegas.

01:58:39.000 February 11th and 12th, Wiley's in Dayton, Ohio.

01:58:43.000 And then March 31st to April 2nd, Sidesplitters.

01:58:50.000 But also, wait, I got something in Chicago, too.

01:58:53.000 Oh, yeah?

01:58:53.000 They didn't give me that?

01:58:54.000 Nah, because he didn't book that.

01:58:56.000 That's not in the thing.

01:58:58.000 You don't have a website?

01:59:00.000 I don't know.

01:59:05.000 Do you have social media?

01:59:07.000 Yeah, I got it.

01:59:08.000 Yeah, you got an Instagram page, right?

01:59:10.000 Hold up.

01:59:10.000 Does your Instagram page have your dates on it?

01:59:13.000 You should probably put them up there.

01:59:14.000 Man, you know, because people always talk about they get a blue dot and they say...

01:59:19.000 Yeah.

01:59:19.000 Because, you know what I'm saying?

01:59:20.000 Man, you got to up your followers.

01:59:21.000 I'm like, I don't need...

01:59:22.000 How many followers do you have?

01:59:25.000 I don't know.

01:59:26.000 But yeah, I'm going to be at Riddles in Chicago on January the 7th and 8th.

01:59:33.000 Okay.

01:59:33.000 Did we already call those dates?

01:59:35.000 We called the other dates.

01:59:36.000 We didn't call that one.

01:59:38.000 I don't have the Riddles in Chicago one.

01:59:40.000 I got the Arlington Drafthouse one, Atlanta Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Hard Knocks in Vegas, and then Wiley's Dayton, Ohio.

01:59:47.000 Well, the 7th and 8th is before that.

01:59:50.000 That's right after me.

01:59:51.000 Yeah, I know.

01:59:51.000 For some reason, I don't have that on this list.

01:59:53.000 Yeah, see, that's me.

01:59:53.000 Okay, we got it now.

01:59:55.000 Tony Woods, you're a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:59:57.000 No, man. 1.00

01:59:57.000 It's great to see you. 1.00

01:59:58.000 It's been a long time.

01:59:59.000 It's been a long time.

02:00:00.000 It has been.

02:00:01.000 Without a strong rhyme to step to.

02:00:04.000 I hate you talking with everybody about killing these caribou and stuff.

02:00:11.000 I want to see this.

02:00:12.000 I mean, the one out...

02:00:14.000 What is that one?

02:00:14.000 That's a deer.

02:00:15.000 That's a white-tailed deer.

02:00:17.000 Oh, that.

02:00:17.000 This is just brass.

02:00:18.000 That's a gorilla, right?

02:00:19.000 It's a chimpanzee, yeah.

02:00:21.000 There's an artist who made that for me.

02:00:24.000 Wow.

02:00:25.000 Yeah.

02:00:26.000 You know, I have a bear coat.

02:00:30.000 A bear coat?

02:00:31.000 Yeah.

02:00:31.000 Where'd you get it?

02:00:32.000 Fairbanks, Alaska. 1.00

02:00:33.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:00:34.000 So it's grizzly bear. 1.00

02:00:36.000 It's a brown bear.

02:00:37.000 Brown bear.

02:00:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:00:38.000 So we went to this little outpost place, and it's just a blanket on the wall.

02:00:43.000 I'm like, what's that?

02:00:44.000 He says, well, people hunt.

02:00:46.000 Get a brown bear.

02:00:47.000 Yeah, and I'm like, well, how much is that?

02:00:50.000 He's like, $150.

02:00:52.000 I said, all right.

02:00:53.000 This is like in the 90s.

02:00:55.000 150. Put it in a trash bag.

02:00:59.000 Came back.

02:01:00.000 Took it to this place in Bethesda, Maryland.

02:01:02.000 I said, can you make this to a coat?

02:01:04.000 Yeah.

02:01:04.000 So they cleaned it because it's fleas.

02:01:06.000 It was nasty shit. 0.99

02:01:08.000 And cleaned it up. 1.00

02:01:09.000 And I remember I went to Uno's Pizzeria.

02:01:11.000 This is in Chevy Chase, Maryland.

02:01:14.000 I go to Bethesda area.

02:01:16.000 I go...

02:01:16.000 And the guy, he beeps me.

02:01:19.000 He said, can you come back?

02:01:23.000 I come back, and he's like, son, where'd you get this?

02:01:26.000 I'm like, I was in Alaska.

02:01:28.000 I'm a comedian.

02:01:30.000 And they go, son, it's on an endangered species.

02:01:35.000 So they put a line.

02:01:36.000 It's a beautiful coat.

02:01:37.000 They're not on the endangered species list.

02:01:39.000 They were worried.

02:01:41.000 They were worried?

02:01:42.000 No.

02:01:42.000 I'm going to show you my coat, man.

02:01:43.000 I'm sure.

02:01:44.000 See, because it seems like everything I see on your Joe Rogan podcast, people don't believe me.

02:01:49.000 Oh, they don't believe you?

02:01:50.000 That's why, because somebody told me not to mention mermaids.

02:01:56.000 Don't mention mermaids?

02:01:57.000 I saw a mermaid.

02:01:59.000 Really?

02:02:00.000 Yeah.

02:02:01.000 When?

02:02:01.000 It's the Shells, Africa.

02:02:03.000 You saw an actual mermaid?

02:02:05.000 That's what it was.

02:02:06.000 It was a swimming person.

02:02:07.000 Really?

02:02:08.000 Yeah.

02:02:09.000 How long ago was this?

02:02:10.000 I don't know.

02:02:11.000 Ask Will Silvins.

02:02:13.000 You think there's like a small population of mermaids that are out there?

02:02:16.000 But anyway, me and this little French boy, and they said, don't swim in the lagoon after dark.

02:02:25.000 Everybody's up at the bar, and so everybody's going to go there.

02:02:28.000 Everybody's kind of racing there.

02:02:30.000 So me and him go there.

02:02:31.000 Me and him get in the water. 0.95

02:02:33.000 From a distance, you see something coming like a fucking missile, but it's going fast, and we both kind of stop. 0.91

02:02:39.000 And then it turns and it jumps out of the water, and it's maybe at least 10, 12 feet long, man. 0.96

02:02:45.000 And they do like this, and they look at both of us and go...

02:02:49.000 The water was only about this deep.

02:02:51.000 Didn't make a splash or nothing. 0.98

02:02:53.000 And then me and him turn the fuck around. 0.96

02:02:55.000 We running. 0.98

02:02:56.000 And everybody's coming down there laughing, got their drinks in their hand. 1.00

02:02:58.000 We're like, no, fuck that. 0.99

02:03:00.000 And the little boy in French and his mom is apologizing to me, saying he has a very vivid imagination. 1.00

02:03:07.000 He said, no, bitch, listen, we saw a fish man. 0.98

02:03:11.000 And it wasn't like a mermaid. 0.99

02:03:13.000 Didn't look feminine at all.

02:03:14.000 Look at math. 1.00

02:03:15.000 A fucking man. 1.00

02:03:17.000 A fucking dude who said get the fuck out the pool. 1.00

02:03:21.000 Basically, he was like Aquaman. 1.00

02:03:24.000 He didn't go hanging out the water.

02:03:27.000 Did it look like a fish person or a human being?

02:03:30.000 Did it have scales?

02:03:33.000 It was kind of dark.

02:03:35.000 Dark like a dolphin?

02:03:36.000 No, but the back of him was fish.

02:03:40.000 The back of him was fish.

02:03:42.000 His head Was humanoid, eyes about so big.

02:03:47.000 Then, if you Google it, the lagoons of Seychelles. 0.99

02:03:53.000 And I ain't the first person to see some shit in them waters. 0.97

02:03:57.000 And the guy who does the horseback riding, you know, you can ride horses, he said, how old are you? 0.99

02:04:03.000 And I told him, he said, you're from America, right?

02:04:04.000 I'm like, yeah.

02:04:05.000 He said, so at this age, pretty much if you see a turtle, and I tell you that's not a turtle, He says, you know it's a turtle.

02:04:13.000 You're at age, you know what you saw.

02:04:15.000 He says, people pay a lot of money at this resort.

02:04:19.000 He says, yeah, it's maybe not a good idea to go around going, I saw a mermaid.

02:04:24.000 And he goes, Mike, he's saying how long his family has been fishing in these waters.

02:04:30.000 He says, and he's heard some things.

02:04:33.000 He says, I've heard some things like what you said.

02:04:35.000 He says, I've never seen what you say you saw.

02:04:38.000 But it's not the first time I heard that.

02:04:41.000 And I said, thank you. 1.00

02:04:43.000 But basically he was saying, if you ask me to co-sign that shit, fuck you. 1.00

02:04:50.000 You're going to be crazy by yourself. 1.00

02:04:52.000 So who told you not to talk about mermaids? 0.79

02:04:55.000 Nobody told me not to talk about mermaids.

02:04:56.000 You said that.

02:04:57.000 I just said that.

02:04:58.000 Oh.

02:04:59.000 Because I'm like, if y'all don't believe Dakota's bare...

02:05:03.000 You definitely won't believe the mermaid story.

02:05:05.000 Well, I definitely believe the code is bare.

02:05:07.000 Yeah, I got it from my outfit. 0.99

02:05:08.000 It bleeds and all kinds of shit on it. 0.98

02:05:11.000 Tony Woods, thanks for being here, man. 0.99

02:05:13.000 Yeah, thank you, man.

02:05:14.000 Let me know when your special comes out.

02:05:15.000 We'll let everybody know.

02:05:16.000 I'm sure it'll be hilarious.

02:05:18.000 You're going to Google mermaids?

02:05:18.000 I'm trying.

02:05:19.000 He's trying.

02:05:19.000 If I found it, I would have brought it up.

02:05:21.000 He's not going to find it.

02:05:21.000 And it was in the lagoons around, like, you know, like how you know how the island is shaped like this and like in the lagoon part.

02:05:30.000 Well, they say they've only discovered 10% of the ocean.

02:05:33.000 Yeah, so maybe he's in the other 90. Alright, man.

02:05:38.000 Alright, Tony Woods, thank you.

02:05:40.000 And on Instagram, you're Tony Woods, right?

02:05:42.000 Tony Woods with a Z. Oh, really?

02:05:46.000 I think?

02:05:46.000 I don't know.

02:05:47.000 Let me look.

02:05:47.000 Yeah, Tony Woods with a Z. Tony Woods, yeah.

02:05:50.000 Was there another Tony Woods with an S? I don't know, but I'm the first Tony Woods in the world.

02:05:55.000 Like, if you Google me, I'm the first Tony Woods ever.

02:05:58.000 Well, you should be.

02:05:59.000 Nah.

02:06:00.000 Alright, brother.

02:06:01.000 Thank you very much for being here, man.

02:06:02.000 Appreciate you.

02:06:03.000 I see you at the Arlington Draft House on Thursday.

02:06:05.000 All those places that we listed.

02:06:07.000 Chicago, Vegas.

02:06:08.000 Joe, this is the best podcast I've ever done today.

02:06:10.000 Thank you.

02:06:12.000 You were great today.

02:06:13.000 No, this was the best one ever, man.

02:06:15.000 Thank you.

02:06:15.000 I thank you, man.

02:06:16.000 I feel humbled.

02:06:19.000 And proud.

02:06:20.000 I mean, you know, a lot of people say I just kind of go in the seat of my pants.

02:06:25.000 But I actually was up and ready and prepared.

02:06:29.000 Ask anybody, I got here early.

02:06:31.000 You did.

02:06:32.000 I don't ever do that.

02:06:35.000 Well, it was great to have you here, man.

02:06:37.000 All right, man.

02:06:37.000 Love you, man.

02:06:38.000 Love you too, brother.

02:06:39.000 Happy New Year.

02:06:40.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 29, 2021

Joe Rogan Experience #1755 - Tony Woods

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