The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1812 - Doug Stanhope

00:00:14.000 Good morning.

00:00:15.000 Good to see you, pal.

00:00:17.000 Good morning.

00:00:18.000 First sip of the hooch of the day.

00:00:20.000 That's not your first cigarette.

00:00:21.000 How many cigarettes have you got so far?

00:00:23.000 To the point where I go, maybe I should have brought two packs.

00:00:26.000 By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope just found out today that he has had COVID. Just moments ago.

00:00:33.000 You didn't even know you had it.

00:00:34.000 You do the regular COVID test before you do the show, and she goes, have you had the antibody one?

00:00:39.000 And I said, no, because I always feel like I have COVID. They do say, and I read this, that people who smoke cigarettes for some reason were like getting it less.

00:00:52.000 Yeah, I read a lot of those, and then I saw a lot that disputed that, so I didn't read the ones I didn't want to hear that news, and I read the ones that say, yeah.

00:01:03.000 Yeah, that sounds like how I digest news. 0.89

00:01:05.000 But they also say, if you do get it, you're more likely to wind up on a fucking respirator, which I'm going to wind up on a respirator at this rate regardless. 0.97

00:01:16.000 I don't mind if I fast-forward the process. 0.98

00:01:19.000 We've got to fill you up with stem cells. 0.99

00:01:21.000 Get you in a hyperbaric chamber.

00:01:23.000 Reverse the process.

00:01:25.000 Just clean you up.

00:01:27.000 Clean you up.

00:01:28.000 From 40 years of smoking?

00:01:30.000 Bison meat, spring water.

00:01:32.000 We got you.

00:01:33.000 Don't worry.

00:01:33.000 Just put yourself in Dr. Rogan's care.

00:01:36.000 We're going to take care of you as I puff on this joint.

00:01:41.000 Oh, so I go to Kill Tony last night, and I'm up on the judge's stand, whatever you call it, and I'm pretty pickled by then.

00:01:49.000 We started with margaritas at 1.30, and now it's 9 o'clock.

00:01:54.000 And after the show, some guy tries to give him a bag of edibles.

00:02:00.000 And he goes, no, no, thanks though.

00:02:01.000 And I go, no, you always take the drugs, even if you don't want them.

00:02:05.000 And then you give them to someone else at the thing and go, hey, I can't fly with this.

00:02:10.000 And then you made two people really happy.

00:02:12.000 One guy's happy that you took his drugs and the other guy's really happy.

00:02:16.000 So I go, what are they?

00:02:17.000 And he said, 50 milligrams.

00:02:19.000 And I split it.

00:02:20.000 I go, I took half...

00:02:21.000 Because I'm a 10 milligram guy. 0.90

00:02:23.000 I'm tripping my balls off on 10. Really?

00:02:26.000 Yeah.

00:02:26.000 And then Tony, I gave Tony the other half and he goes, no, I don't do weed.

00:02:30.000 And I go, ah, fuck it. 0.99

00:02:32.000 So I took 50 milligrams and I was drinking enough. 1.00

00:02:36.000 I drunk enough that I kept forgetting that I was super fucking high. 0.93

00:02:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:02:41.000 I thought I was just too drunk to be in the bar and then I got back to the room and I'm digging through my bag trying to find any leftover bag of fucking airplane peanuts I might have left behind because I'm too high to be in public and go buy something to eat and there's nothing in the hotel open and I'm just eating fucking gummy bears and salty snack fucking mix. 0.97

00:03:03.000 That's one thing I don't get for whatever weird reason. 0.98

00:03:05.000 I don't get munchies when I'm high.

00:03:07.000 I don't know why.

00:03:09.000 It's never been a thing.

00:03:11.000 Sometimes I will only eat if I take edibles now.

00:03:15.000 Really?

00:03:15.000 I think I get 85% of my calories from liquid.

00:03:20.000 How much edibles are you taking these days?

00:03:22.000 Because you were always like a non-weed guy. 1.00

00:03:25.000 Yeah, but they made edibles delicious.

00:03:28.000 I always hated the taste of smoking.

00:03:31.000 It would make me cough.

00:03:32.000 I was one of those guys that coughs on the first puff and then I'm coughing for an hour.

00:03:36.000 And then the yuck mouth I got would ruin the taste of cigarettes.

00:03:40.000 I like cigarettes more than being high.

00:03:43.000 But edibles is a whole different story.

00:03:45.000 Yeah, I love edibles.

00:03:47.000 I love, like, gummies.

00:03:48.000 I love those little gummies because, you know, you take them and it's about an hour in, they start to, like, creep into your system, and then an hour and a half in, you're like, oh, Jesus.

00:03:58.000 Yeah, I love them.

00:03:59.000 And sometimes for me, it'll be three hours.

00:04:02.000 Sometimes it's 20 minutes.

00:04:04.000 It's a totally different drug, you know, than THC. It's 11-hydroxymetabolite is what it is.

00:04:10.000 Did you say it fucks with your liver more?

00:04:12.000 No, it goes through your liver. 1.00

00:04:13.000 It doesn't fuck with your liver. 0.95

00:04:14.000 It's not toxic. 0.64

00:04:15.000 But it's called the one pass is what happens when it goes through the liver and it produces this metabolite.

00:04:20.000 But it's five times more psychoactive than THC. So if you have like an equivalent amount, like I've given people edibles before and they're like, dude, this is something, this is laced.

00:04:29.000 I'm like, no, that's what happens.

00:04:31.000 Yeah, I haven't done mushrooms in years, but this gives me the same feeling as a good, easy mushroom trip.

00:04:39.000 Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:04:41.000 I feel the same way.

00:04:41.000 Yeah, like a light, like microdose mushroom trip is nice, man.

00:04:45.000 When I was getting canceled, that's what I kept doing.

00:04:47.000 I just kept doing mushrooms.

00:04:48.000 I did mushrooms every day.

00:04:50.000 I did them every day. 0.84

00:04:51.000 And I was just thinking about everything but all the bullshit that was going on on, you know, social media and CNN and all that stuff. 0.83

00:04:57.000 All I was thinking about was just, like, the universe. 0.95

00:04:59.000 It's so nice to get away from that.

00:05:00.000 Oh, my God.

00:05:01.000 Just don't watch.

00:05:02.000 Don't know.

00:05:03.000 Don't care.

00:05:08.000 I just inhaled a piece of marijuana.

00:05:12.000 That's what happens when you...

00:05:17.000 So apparently abortion is illegal again, right?

00:05:20.000 What happened?

00:05:20.000 What, here?

00:05:21.000 Did you hear what happened?

00:05:22.000 Not just here.

00:05:23.000 No, there's a leaked memo, apparently.

00:05:27.000 Someone leaked something that says that they're going to overturn Roe v.

00:05:31.000 Wade.

00:05:32.000 I don't know if it's real.

00:05:33.000 Everyone's already commenting on it as if it is real.

00:05:35.000 I don't know if it is real.

00:05:36.000 But apparently what that means is that it's going to be up to the states.

00:05:39.000 So people who live in states where abortion is already, you know, like blue states, I don't think they have a worry.

00:05:46.000 But other states probably do. 0.58

00:05:48.000 You know, it's kind of...

00:05:50.000 Hey, medical tourism.

00:05:52.000 Yeah, that's what's gonna happen.

00:05:53.000 It's gonna happen. 0.97

00:05:54.000 It's fucking weird, man. 0.98

00:05:56.000 It's weird people telling other people what they can and can't do with their body is weird because, like, Texas is a weird law. 0.99

00:06:03.000 No, I shouldn't say a weird law.

00:06:05.000 A terrible law, where it's six weeks. 1.00

00:06:07.000 Who the fuck knows they're pregnant at six weeks? 1.00

00:06:09.000 You just missed your period. 1.00

00:06:11.000 I just found out I had COVID. Yeah, exactly.

00:06:14.000 Could have been a baby ago.

00:06:16.000 And girls who have irregular periods, that happens all the time, I think. 0.97

00:06:20.000 I mean, I don't know. 0.99

00:06:20.000 I don't have a vagina. 0.99

00:06:21.000 But that's what I hear. 0.99

00:06:22.000 I hear it happens all the time. 0.98

00:06:23.000 And so, for the longest time, you know, people have dealt with that and just sort of live their life and take a pregnancy test and now you find out that you're pregnant, you literally have like a fucking week. 0.95

00:06:35.000 To find a place, get an abortion. 1.00

00:06:37.000 If you want to get an abortion, make a decision.

00:06:39.000 You have to make a decision.

00:06:41.000 But the thing that I'm thinking of is people that have... 0.83

00:06:46.000 If something happens to you, what if you get raped?

00:06:49.000 What if... 0.99

00:06:52.000 Anything like that.

00:06:53.000 Or what if a family member molests someone?

00:06:58.000 I used to have a bit about it, but it's a talking point.

00:07:02.000 How should it be okay in cases of rape? 1.00

00:07:07.000 That's like saying a fetus is a living thing unless his dad was an asshole. 1.00

00:07:11.000 Right, right, right. 1.00

00:07:12.000 How is it the baby's fault his dad was a racist?

00:07:14.000 Exactly, right.

00:07:15.000 How is it the baby's fault that... 1.00

00:07:17.000 But what if it's your father or something fucking crazy sick? 1.00

00:07:20.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:07:21.000 You know, it's just, I just don't like, you know, I don't like people telling other people what they can and can't do, but it gets weird when the baby gets, like, six months old.

00:07:30.000 You know, it gets weird when they're really, really pregnant, because in some states, for the longest, I don't know what the rules are now, but I know that some states had late-term abortions, and sometimes you need one for medical reasons, right?

00:07:40.000 Like, the woman could die if she gives birth. 1.00

00:07:42.000 Like, it's a decision that people have to make.

00:07:45.000 Well, if you look back, what was your favorite part of being a fetus?

00:07:50.000 Ah!

00:07:51.000 Well, what was your favorite part of being three? 0.97

00:07:53.000 Should I be able to shoot you at three because I don't want to take care of you anymore? 1.00

00:07:57.000 It's one of those things. 0.99

00:07:58.000 It's like I am 100% for a woman's right to choose. 0.69

00:08:03.000 But as a human being, just as a person observing things, there's a big difference between a little clump of cells and a fetus with an eyeball and a beating heart.

00:08:12.000 And for anybody to pretend there's not, you're not doing any argument.

00:08:16.000 But where do you draw the line?

00:08:17.000 Right, where do you draw the line?

00:08:18.000 Yeah, that's the question.

00:08:20.000 And it's what I call a human issue.

00:08:22.000 It's a very complicated issue.

00:08:24.000 It's so fraught with emotion and it's so political.

00:08:27.000 There's people outside the Supreme Court right now that were like chanting and rattling the cages, rattling the fences.

00:08:34.000 Apparently there's been...

00:08:36.000 I thought that they put the fences up because of that, but no.

00:08:39.000 They put the fences up because a guy in Colorado, a guy in Boulder of course, lit himself on fire and killed himself for climate change.

00:08:49.000 Which is like, if you're gonna kill yourself, why would you light yourself on fire and contribute to climate change?

00:08:56.000 You're literally like contributing to the carbon in the air.

00:08:59.000 It's like, dude, just, you know, I mean, the guy's gone, no disrespect to the fellow.

00:09:07.000 He meant it, he felt it.

00:09:09.000 It's a complicated thing, but it's another one of those things.

00:09:11.000 But it's like 18 to be an adult is very arbitrary.

00:09:15.000 Very arbitrary.

00:09:16.000 Random.

00:09:17.000 Nature told you you're an adult when you're ready to procreate.

00:09:21.000 Right, but you can't even drink.

00:09:22.000 I know.

00:09:22.000 But you can have a child.

00:09:24.000 You can get married.

00:09:25.000 You could fight in a war.

00:09:26.000 You're not ready for drinking yet. 1.00

00:09:28.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00

00:09:30.000 I know. 0.99

00:09:31.000 Makes no sense.

00:09:31.000 When I was a kid- And it makes worse drunks, because- Yes.

00:09:34.000 They always talk about in Europe where kids have wine with dinner.

00:09:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:09:38.000 Yeah, they're not fucking raging assholes at spring break. 1.00

00:09:42.000 Yeah, they're different over there. 1.00

00:09:43.000 They're normalized. 1.00

00:09:43.000 When you take Catholic school girls, for example, you tell them, you can't fuck guys, stay away, boys are the devil, the penis is going to take you straight to hell. 1.00

00:09:51.000 Those girls can't wait to fuck guys. 1.00

00:09:53.000 They're the horniest girls. 1.00

00:09:55.000 Well, anything that's taboo.

00:09:57.000 Were they in high school and they're only with girls?

00:09:59.000 When you drove a car before you had a license, your brother had let you drive his car and it was completely illegal, you loved being stuck in traffic.

00:10:07.000 Right.

00:10:07.000 Yeah, it was, whee!

00:10:09.000 I'm doing something wrong. 0.99

00:10:11.000 And now you fucking hate driving across town. 0.99

00:10:14.000 That's true. 0.98

00:10:15.000 Yeah, a car used to be, well, some of them are still a ride.

00:10:18.000 Driving an old car, it still feels like a ride.

00:10:20.000 When I drive one of my old muscle cars, it feels like I'm on a ride.

00:10:23.000 It doesn't feel like I'm driving.

00:10:25.000 It feels like I'm at Disneyland.

00:10:27.000 Disneyland for adults.

00:10:28.000 That's what it's like.

00:10:29.000 What's in your Jay Leno garage?

00:10:31.000 I don't have that many.

00:10:33.000 Jay Leno has like 11 warehouses.

00:10:35.000 I just have a couple of muscle cars.

00:10:37.000 That's my thing is like old, like 1960s, 1970s cars.

00:10:41.000 Those are the ones I love.

00:10:42.000 I just, I stare at them and I think about them.

00:10:44.000 I think, when I look at them, I don't just think, well, that's a cool car. 0.57

00:10:47.000 I think, damn, what was life like back then to be a person who's driving this car?

00:10:51.000 What did I believe? 0.95

00:10:53.000 What access to information did I have?

00:10:54.000 Like, my entire worldview was based upon experiences that I had at college or something I heard from a friend in books.

00:11:01.000 And it's hard for us to remember what that kind of life must have been like.

00:11:05.000 Because we kind of grew up, and when we were adults, the internet started emerging.

00:11:10.000 And then cable news started emerging, and there was enough alternative perspectives and viewpoints.

00:11:15.000 We're getting more information with every year.

00:11:17.000 And then all of a sudden, with the internet, it's like now you have this tsunami of information that's almost maybe too much to decipher sometimes.

00:11:27.000 It's too much, yeah.

00:11:27.000 I just always wonder, like, what was life like in 1969 for these people?

00:11:32.000 Growing adults driving a Camaro.

00:11:34.000 I buy all this weird vintage Delta stuff because I'm a huge Delta guy.

00:11:38.000 Delta to the airlines?

00:11:39.000 Yeah.

00:11:40.000 And so on eBay I found...

00:11:44.000 Old Sky magazines that was the in-flight magazine from the 70s, and I'll leave them in the seat back pocket when I fly, like in 1974. But just reading the ads from back then, seeing things about all those old cars,

00:12:01.000 Ford Granada coming out now, it just takes you way back.

00:12:07.000 Yeah.

00:12:08.000 I get old USA Todays, like from the 80s and 90s.

00:12:13.000 Where do you get them?

00:12:13.000 eBay.

00:12:14.000 Oh, wow.

00:12:15.000 And I'll read them on the plane.

00:12:18.000 Just reading old stories is way more fun than reading stories from yesterday.

00:12:23.000 Yeah, it is.

00:12:24.000 I mean, it's a version of history.

00:12:26.000 It's like you're getting a version of history books. 0.99

00:12:28.000 You're getting it from the actual source of the news that was distributed to the population while the shit was coming down. 0.88

00:12:34.000 I mean, I think every stand-up comic had to read USA Today because they used to flip them at your door in the hotels every morning or have a stack of free ones. 0.95

00:12:43.000 What was the paper that had the wacky stories?

00:12:46.000 Was it USA Today or one of those?

00:12:48.000 News of the Weird.

00:12:49.000 It was like the last page or so was like these wacky stories.

00:12:53.000 Yeah, the column was called News of the Weird.

00:12:55.000 Was that a USA Today thing?

00:12:56.000 Yeah, that's the kind of one where a guy...

00:12:58.000 Got eaten by a snake. 1.00

00:12:59.000 Or fucked a vacuum cleaner and lost his... 1.00

00:13:02.000 Right, right, right, right. 1.00

00:13:03.000 Yeah, or had to grow. 0.99

00:13:04.000 I saw a guy grew, he got his dick, something happened, and it got removed from his body, and then they had to reattach it, and they reattached it to his forearm. 0.97

00:13:14.000 So you had to let it grow in his forearm until it got enough blood supply or something, and then they put it back. 0.97

00:13:20.000 Yeah.

00:13:21.000 I don't understand that. 1.00

00:13:22.000 He did that with fingers and shit, too. 1.00

00:13:24.000 Do you understand that? 0.99

00:13:25.000 What happened there with that guy?

00:13:26.000 Do you know what happened?

00:13:27.000 I'm sure you know the story. 1.00

00:13:29.000 You were up on all things getting your dick cut off, right, Jamie? 1.00

00:13:34.000 Yes. 1.00

00:13:35.000 LAUGHTER But I had one, the headline was where the smoking ban on airlines is going to the house for a vote.

00:13:46.000 I remember those days.

00:13:48.000 And reading that while they're doing the non-smoking announcement, like, do you really still have to keep saying that?

00:13:54.000 Right, isn't that crazy?

00:13:55.000 This is from 1989, this newspaper.

00:13:58.000 That's how long it's been.

00:13:59.000 It is crazy when they tell you you can't smoke on a plane.

00:14:02.000 Like, who doesn't know that?

00:14:03.000 Yeah.

00:14:04.000 I used to have a bit where it just makes me crazy.

00:14:09.000 Yeah, we haven't been able to smoke for...

00:14:11.000 I said, that's like if you get on a city bus today and they said, remember, according to federal regulations, colored people can now sit wherever they like.

00:14:19.000 I know that.

00:14:20.000 Everybody knows that.

00:14:21.000 Why do you keep saying it?

00:14:22.000 Yeah, stop saying colored, too.

00:14:24.000 You can say colored people, but you...

00:14:26.000 That would be the nomenclature of the day for an announcement.

00:14:29.000 Oh, no, I know that.

00:14:29.000 But I'm saying, how weird is it that you can't say colored people, but you can say people of color.

00:14:33.000 People of color.

00:14:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:14:37.000 Most of fucking life doesn't make sense. 1.00

00:14:39.000 Right, exactly. 0.99

00:14:40.000 Everyone who's screaming about fucking masks don't do anything, I'm not wearing it on a plane. 0.99

00:14:46.000 Well, neither does putting your fucking seat in the upright lock position. 1.00

00:14:49.000 That doesn't do anything. 1.00

00:14:51.000 All their bullshit announcement, they don't do anything. 0.99

00:14:53.000 I think people don't like additional new ones. 0.99

00:14:56.000 You can have all the ones that make no sense, like the seat up and down thing, and then there's an additional new one.

00:15:02.000 They're like, that's it!

00:15:03.000 That's the line! 0.98

00:15:05.000 I'm not fucking cross. 1.00

00:15:07.000 This is where I'm gonna die on this hill. 1.00

00:15:10.000 You'll gladly walk through the scanner so some minimum wage security hack can look at your wife's IUD. Close up and clear, but no. 1.00

00:15:21.000 Do you remember they had the one scanners that were showing people's hogs? 0.99

00:15:24.000 So they decided they had to get rid of it because it was unethical.

00:15:27.000 Do you remember those?

00:15:28.000 Like people were complaining.

00:15:30.000 Yeah, there was a whole series.

00:15:31.000 You could literally see an outline of your naked body.

00:15:34.000 And people were, they felt like it was invasive.

00:15:36.000 And they were saying, no, but we can't tell it's you. 1.00

00:15:38.000 I'm like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:15:39.000 But you still see that guy's dick. 1.00

00:15:41.000 You're looking at that guy's dick. 1.00

00:15:42.000 You're basically looking at a cartoon of that guy's dick. 1.00

00:15:45.000 It's like an outline, like a skeleton image. 1.00

00:15:47.000 See what the fuck... 0.96

00:15:48.000 I know I'm talking about something, but I really don't have the proper information. 0.99

00:15:52.000 But I remember correctly, I think.

00:15:55.000 I remember that when they...

00:15:56.000 Here's it.

00:15:57.000 TSA removing body scanners that criticize is too revealing.

00:16:00.000 Yeah.

00:16:02.000 I think this is the one.

00:16:03.000 But so you could see, like, if someone has a micropenis or a giant hog.

00:16:08.000 Virtual strip searches.

00:16:09.000 Wow, they labeled them virtual strip searches. 1.00

00:16:13.000 So there's this one dude, he lives in Mexico, and he's got the biggest dick that's ever been measured and observed. 1.00

00:16:20.000 It's hilarious. 0.99

00:16:21.000 This guy goes through security, and they pat him down.

00:16:24.000 They always want to pat him down, because they're like, what is that? 0.99

00:16:27.000 He's like, that's my dick. 1.00

00:16:28.000 There's no fucking way. 1.00

00:16:30.000 There's no way. 0.99

00:16:30.000 It's my arm. 0.99

00:16:32.000 It's preposterous. 1.00

00:16:33.000 He has an enormous dick. 1.00

00:16:34.000 It's so big. 1.00

00:16:35.000 And this poor guy, he gets touched up every time he goes to the airport.

00:16:39.000 I mean, he must...

00:16:41.000 Is this the Mexican gentleman?

00:16:46.000 Might be another guy.

00:16:47.000 As an actor.

00:16:50.000 Oh my god, this is an actress in New Mexico.

00:16:52.000 Oh, this is definitely a different dude. 1.00

00:16:54.000 So he has the new biggest dick? 1.00

00:16:55.000 He claims it, so maybe. 1.00

00:16:57.000 The dude in Mexico has a fucking piece on him. 0.99

00:17:00.000 Is that the Guinness book worthy? 1.00

00:17:02.000 I think they must measure dicks, right? 0.96

00:17:05.000 I mean, it counts. 0.99

00:17:06.000 You can measure head size. 0.99

00:17:07.000 Why can't you measure dicks? 1.00

00:17:08.000 Does Guinness not touch the genitalia? 1.00

00:17:10.000 It's too naughty? 0.99

00:17:11.000 I would assume they don't.

00:17:12.000 Too naughty for such data?

00:17:14.000 Yeah, that's the same guy.

00:17:15.000 Same guy?

00:17:16.000 That's the Mexican gentleman?

00:17:18.000 Airport security is the thing I added with my search. 0.99

00:17:22.000 Could you add world's biggest penis Mexico? 0.99

00:17:26.000 So what happened? 0.99

00:17:27.000 Did he get through?

00:17:28.000 Did he have to show it? 1.00

00:17:31.000 I think they just have to touch him and check it out and make sure it's just a regular dick. 1.00

00:17:35.000 Mexican man. 1.00

00:17:36.000 It's a fake.

00:17:37.000 Oh, he lied! 1.00

00:17:38.000 Oh, it's a Mexican man's penis is fake. 1.00

00:17:40.000 How dare he? 1.00

00:17:42.000 18.9.

00:17:43.000 He said it was 18. I like how he's so humble.

00:17:47.000 He says.9.

00:17:48.000 I mean, who's counting? 0.99

00:17:50.000 I hate when you do that, where you read a story and then you repeat it for fucking years. 0.99

00:17:55.000 Over and over again! 1.00

00:17:55.000 And then you find out it was all bullshit. 1.00

00:17:57.000 Guy's got a rubber dick. 1.00

00:17:59.000 Hit me again there, bartender. 1.00

00:18:01.000 You got it, sir. 1.00

00:18:01.000 He's got a rubber dick with some cocaine inside of it. 1.00

00:18:05.000 You see that lady that got arrested at the border and she had a whole rubber bag filled with fentanyl? 1.00

00:18:11.000 No. 0.99

00:18:12.000 Enough fentanyl to fucking light the whole country on fire. 1.00

00:18:14.000 I mean, all of it in her pussy. 1.00

00:18:16.000 Like, fentanyl, you need the tiniest amounts to fuck people up. 1.00

00:18:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:19.000 This lady had like a fucking, like a baby fist in her pussy. 1.00

00:18:23.000 The word on the street, based on nothing, but I've heard, is junkies actually want this stuff with fentanyl because it works better. 1.00

00:18:30.000 Is what I've heard.

00:18:32.000 Well, I believe that because it's very strong.

00:18:34.000 I mean, the amount that can kill you is so tiny.

00:18:38.000 That's a big part of the problem.

00:18:40.000 I think the most amount of overdose deaths ever was last year.

00:18:46.000 See if that's true.

00:18:48.000 It's 18 to 49, and I think the number of overdose deaths was over 100,000.

00:18:54.000 Wow.

00:18:55.000 Which is crazy. 1.00

00:18:56.000 That's so many fucking people, man. 0.99

00:18:58.000 Yeah, that Kate Quigley thing. 1.00

00:18:59.000 That was horrible.

00:19:00.000 Yeah.

00:19:00.000 That's horrible.

00:19:01.000 They thought they were getting coke, and they got coke laced with fentanyl, and two or three guys died?

00:19:06.000 How many guys died?

00:19:09.000 And she barely got through.

00:19:11.000 She had to go to the hospital.

00:19:15.000 100,306 drug overdose deaths in the United States during the 12 month period between April 21st.

00:19:25.000 An increase of 28.5% from the 78,056 deaths during the same period a year before.

00:19:33.000 That's crazy.

00:19:34.000 Yeah, the Chaley's and the Brechel's just threw a big desert party and they brought a drug testing kit. 0.96

00:19:40.000 Yeah, I think that's what we need now.

00:19:43.000 It's like businesses have COVID tests like mine does.

00:19:47.000 It's where you go, hey, well, if the government legalized it, then it would be tested.

00:19:53.000 It would be under federal regulation. 0.93

00:19:54.000 But at the same time, if you can do it yourself, fucking yeah, get your own drug testing kit. 0.61

00:19:59.000 In the meantime, if you do it yourself, you put this up on Twitter and we talked about it on the podcast. 0.91

00:20:03.000 You're 100% right if this is all a product of drugs being illegal.

00:20:09.000 I bet if drugs were legal, I bet the same amount of people ultimately would do drugs or maybe even less.

00:20:18.000 I think it would take time and it would be a real problem when it was settling in.

00:20:23.000 Because people would get used to the fact that you could just do whatever you wanted when you got to be a certain age.

00:20:27.000 And we haven't prepared people for that.

00:20:29.000 But realistically, almost everyone we know, if they wanted to do coke, they could get coke.

00:20:35.000 Most adults know someone. 0.99

00:20:37.000 If you go to bars, if you hang out with people who like to go out at night, if you hang out with people who, you know, every now and then like to go off the rails, they can get you some fucking coke. 0.98

00:20:46.000 Most adults know how to get some coke. 0.98

00:20:48.000 I would imagine. 0.99

00:20:49.000 Maybe I'm just traveling in fucked up circles. 0.99

00:20:52.000 I'm sure there's a lot of Bible thumpers that don't do anything and don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. 1.00

00:20:59.000 For a lot of people that go to bars, you can find coke. 0.99

00:21:03.000 So what is the difference?

00:21:04.000 How many people would do coke more if it was legal?

00:21:07.000 I remember coming off stage after a show when I was drinking in the front bar of wherever years ago.

00:21:12.000 And from across the room, a guy just looks at me and nods like this.

00:21:16.000 And I nodded back, and we went right to the toilet.

00:21:20.000 I knew it was blow.

00:21:22.000 Yeah, there's a look that cokeheads give each other. 1.00

00:21:26.000 Wide-eyed. 1.00

00:21:27.000 It's like, either we're gonna fuck, or you're gonna hook me up with some coke. 1.00

00:21:31.000 It wasn't like a wink wink. 1.00

00:21:32.000 It was just nodded and I nodded. 0.99

00:21:34.000 I go, that was fucking beautiful. 0.99

00:21:36.000 That's like the communication that you get when you're on mushrooms where you look at each other tripping your balls off and you're both laughing at the same thing without having to say a word. 0.99

00:21:45.000 One of my favorite moments as an adult was you and I out in the desert with Jan Irvin when we were tripping balls the day the war started.

00:21:54.000 Do you remember that?

00:21:54.000 Yeah, I wrote about that in one of my books.

00:21:57.000 Do you remember when we were driving home and you peed out the door?

00:21:59.000 With the passenger door open.

00:22:01.000 You had a pickup truck, I think, back then.

00:22:03.000 It was like a Yukon Denali.

00:22:05.000 A GMC Denali.

00:22:07.000 Oh, that's right, yeah.

00:22:07.000 It was like an SUV. I think I was still dumbstruck at GPS back then.

00:22:13.000 Like... 0.98

00:22:14.000 You were always on the fucking cutting edge of the new gadgetry and technology. 0.98

00:22:19.000 I had GPS back when it was a CD. It was a CD-ROM, or maybe it was a DVD. I think it was a CD-ROM. And you had to put the CD in the dash for each individual city. 0.99

00:22:28.000 Oh, wow.

00:22:29.000 Yeah, so any city you would get.

00:22:30.000 If I would go to Detroit, if I wanted to drive to Detroit, I'd have to get a Detroit CD-ROM for the state.

00:22:36.000 Yeah, so like Michigan would have one, California would have one, and you would, you know, some of them only worked for like a city.

00:22:42.000 Yeah, you were always on the cutting edge of technology, but that must mean you get the shittiest version.

00:22:48.000 Oh yeah, but I was fascinated. 0.98

00:22:50.000 See, the shittiest version today, if I had to use that, I would be fucking furious. 1.00

00:22:54.000 I'd be this piece of garbage. 1.00

00:22:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:22:56.000 But back then, I was living in the future.

00:22:58.000 I'm like, this is amazing.

00:23:00.000 This is amazing.

00:23:01.000 Because I was following a computer...

00:23:04.000 On my dash was like reading signals from a satellite that was telling to satellite exactly where I was at any point in time, and it was navigating me to my target. 0.93

00:23:14.000 And I'm like, this is fucking amazing. 0.95

00:23:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:23:17.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.97

00:23:17.000 Every time I get bored, like my drive to the airport is at hour 45 through the desert, but there's no stoplights. 0.97

00:23:24.000 It's just desert.

00:23:25.000 And any time I get bored, I'll daydream about, like, what would George Washington think if he were transported from the future and sitting in this right now? 0.99

00:23:35.000 At 60 miles an hour, would he be clutching the fucking dashboard? 0.99

00:23:39.000 Freaking the fuck out. 0.99

00:23:42.000 Yeah, that always kills time, that daydream. 0.95

00:23:45.000 I don't listen to music in the car. 0.94

00:23:47.000 My head is so fucking entertaining. 0.96

00:23:51.000 Well, there's plenty of stuff to listen to. 0.98

00:23:52.000 You don't have to listen to music.

00:23:54.000 I listen to Audible books mostly.

00:23:56.000 I do too.

00:23:56.000 I listen to a lot of those.

00:23:57.000 Fucking kills, drives, so good. 1.00

00:23:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:59.000 And you get something out of it.

00:24:00.000 And that's not a plug.

00:24:02.000 They actually fired me as a sponsor.

00:24:04.000 Did they?

00:24:04.000 Because they sent me some ad copy that I go...

00:24:06.000 Listen, Audible books changed my fucking life from living on the road. 0.99

00:24:10.000 It just kills all those hours between fucking Pittsburgh and Grand Rapids. 0.99

00:24:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:15.000 Sometimes...

00:24:16.000 You'll drive around the hotel waiting to hear the end because you don't want to wait till tomorrow's drive.

00:24:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:24:22.000 And then they sent me some ad copy that I go, this is just hokey fucking garbage. 0.99

00:24:27.000 And I said that. 0.99

00:24:28.000 I'll tell you how Audible changed my life.

00:24:30.000 This is way better ad copy.

00:24:32.000 And they fired you for that?

00:24:32.000 Yeah.

00:24:33.000 It wasn't Mr. Audible. 0.99

00:24:35.000 It was whatever fucking ad company. 0.99

00:24:37.000 It's the ad agency. 1.00

00:24:37.000 They got really mad that I shit on their garbage work. 1.00

00:24:41.000 That's the thing. 0.99

00:24:42.000 But if you're a guy who's working at a thing, you talk to a regular podcaster the same as they would talk to a Doug Stanhope.

00:24:50.000 And for you, they should just give you some bullet points.

00:24:53.000 If you have a good relationship with the person who does the ads, give me some bullet points, and I'll just tell you what I feel about this.

00:24:58.000 They might also have figured out that I have three books on Audible, so I'm going to push them anyway. 0.99

00:25:04.000 Well, there's maybe that, but I guarantee you it's whoever was writing the copy and people were just upset and they probably thought you were being an asshole. 0.92

00:25:13.000 But really, what you're doing is genuinely promoting Audible to your people. 0.84

00:25:18.000 And let's be honest, I'm not 100% behind some of the things I promote.

00:25:25.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:25:26.000 Yeah.

00:25:27.000 I really love Apple Books, too.

00:25:30.000 I love that little, because it's so built into the phone, and you can just fucking, like today, I finished a book, and I'm like, what else?

00:25:37.000 And I just instantly bang, and then I'm getting a book.

00:25:40.000 I mean, it's so crazy that you can get an Audible book in like five seconds.

00:25:44.000 In five seconds, you're listening to some book that some guy wrote for months and months at a time.

00:25:49.000 I just read...

00:25:51.000 Oh, they're coming tonight, too.

00:25:53.000 Jenny Pentland is Roseanne's daughter. 1.00

00:25:56.000 Her fucking book came out. 1.00

00:25:58.000 Usually, I don't... 1.00

00:25:59.000 Even any biography, the child years, I'm like, hurry up and get this over with.

00:26:04.000 It's always boring. 1.00

00:26:05.000 Get to where you're a fucking junkie or something. 1.00

00:26:08.000 Well, she grew up as her mother was becoming the most famous person in America. 1.00

00:26:14.000 She spent between age 12 or 11 or 12 and 18 almost exclusively in mental institutions or those fucked up boot camps they send troubled teens to. 0.70

00:26:26.000 And at one point she had been in some institution for I want to say a year plus. 0.86

00:26:31.000 And she's like, why does everyone else get out and I don't get out?

00:26:34.000 And they go, well, everyone else doesn't have a million dollar insurance policy like your mother has on you.

00:26:40.000 And she put it together. 1.00

00:26:41.000 Oh, they're just bilking me for the fucking insurance. 1.00

00:26:44.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:26:46.000 I always think about that.

00:26:47.000 I never go to doctors.

00:26:49.000 Because I don't care to know.

00:26:51.000 Whenever you have money involved in anything, this doesn't mean the medical system's evil or anything's evil.

00:26:59.000 The news system's evil. 1.00

00:27:00.000 No, when you have money involved in things, people lean into that fucking money every goddamn time. 0.99

00:27:07.000 It's a balance of that and litigation. 0.99

00:27:09.000 Yes. 0.84

00:27:10.000 This is probably a spot, but we're going to treat it like it's fucking stage 4 melanoma so we don't get sued if we're wrong and we're going to burn things off and send you over there for additional testings on this. 0.94

00:27:21.000 I think they can tell on that. 0.96

00:27:23.000 They don't have to worry about that anymore. 0.97

00:27:24.000 I think their ability to detect cancer is pretty fucking good now. 0.94

00:27:27.000 Whatever it is. 0.96

00:27:28.000 But something else.

00:27:29.000 Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

00:27:31.000 Then we're going to actually send you through a series of tests about when I... It's no longer, just don't go like this.

00:27:39.000 I always wonder about, like, if you see someone like you that smokes every day and is always drinking, but lives a relatively stress-free life for an entertainer and is always laughing.

00:27:55.000 You're laughing constantly.

00:27:57.000 You're always laughing.

00:27:58.000 Every time I talk to you, we laugh.

00:27:59.000 Sometimes I get a little cunty.

00:28:02.000 Usually at inanimate objects that I hit with another inanimate object because it wasn't cooperating.

00:28:08.000 Perhaps, but you don't with me.

00:28:10.000 I've known you for 30 years.

00:28:11.000 You've never been cunty with me.

00:28:12.000 You've always been cool.

00:28:13.000 But my point is, when you look at that, and then you compare a lot of people who would live a lifestyle like yours, but they're angry all the time, and they're working all the time, and they're, you know, doing something that they hate for money,

00:28:29.000 and they wind up with all these diseases.

00:28:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:32.000 You fucking skate through life. 1.00

00:28:34.000 You're like, the dude I know who's- Every comic that dies, I get fucking 100 tweets. 1.00

00:28:41.000 And you're still alive. 0.99

00:28:42.000 What the fuck is going on? 0.99

00:28:43.000 How are you still alive? 1.00

00:28:44.000 Meanwhile, Stan Hope openly talks about how he won't go to a doctor because he just doesn't want to know.

00:28:49.000 Yeah.

00:28:50.000 I don't want them putting- Oh, it could be that.

00:28:53.000 Well, it could also not be that, and I don't want to go through a battery of tests.

00:28:57.000 Do you know what a nocebo effect is?

00:29:00.000 No.

00:29:00.000 Nocebo effect is the opposite of a placebo effect, and it's real.

00:29:03.000 It's a physical reaction that your body has if it thinks it's got something inside of it that's bad for it.

00:29:10.000 Is that like when med students, they read too much about different diseases and then they think they have them all?

00:29:15.000 No, that's maybe a little bit of hypochondria, but that's not what this is.

00:29:19.000 What this is, is like, there's an example.

00:29:21.000 There was a guy who was on a study for SSRIs, and somehow or another he fucked up, and he took the whole bottle of pills, and he freaked out, and he went to the emergency room. 0.98

00:29:32.000 His heart rate was sky high, blood pressure was fucked. 0.97

00:29:36.000 I mean, they're like, oh my god, this guy's like minutes away from dying. 0.99

00:29:39.000 What's going on?

00:29:40.000 What did you take?

00:29:41.000 And he says, I don't know.

00:29:42.000 I'm a part of this study.

00:29:43.000 And they show him the bottle and there's a physician on the bottle.

00:29:46.000 They call the physician.

00:29:47.000 The physician shows up at the hospital and says, you're in the placebo group.

00:29:52.000 You didn't take anything.

00:29:53.000 Wow.

00:29:54.000 And so within minutes, heart rate down to normal, blood pressure normal, the guy's completely fine and he leaves.

00:30:01.000 He freaked himself the fuck out because he knew that he was going to die in his mind because he had taken all these pills and there's no way that's good.

00:30:09.000 I know a lot of comics where you go, it's stress.

00:30:14.000 Or non-comic, friends of mine.

00:30:15.000 Anybody, human beings.

00:30:16.000 I think that's a real factor that we don't, you know, we add that factor at the end.

00:30:23.000 You add it at the end.

00:30:24.000 Stress is like at the end of like the alcohol and the cocaine and the fucking bad relationship and the divorce and the getting fired and all that other stuff. 0.82

00:30:34.000 And then we put, you know, stress, bad diet, cigarettes. 0.76

00:30:38.000 We put all...

00:30:39.000 I think stress might be the number one thing.

00:30:42.000 I think that's...

00:30:42.000 And I hate to...

00:30:43.000 I avoid the...

00:30:46.000 It's all in your head because... 0.94

00:30:48.000 It's all because of your head.

00:30:50.000 Yeah.

00:30:50.000 You're not making it up, but your lifestyle is causing it.

00:30:55.000 It's a factor.

00:30:56.000 It's a real factor, but it's...

00:30:57.000 You can't weigh it.

00:30:59.000 You can't take it and put it on a scale.

00:31:01.000 If you tell me you smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I go, oh, well, that's... 1.00

00:31:05.000 It's a lot of fucking cigarettes, so you're gonna get sick. 0.99

00:31:07.000 But you tell me stress, like, what does that mean? 1.00

00:31:10.000 Put it in a box.

00:31:11.000 Show me.

00:31:12.000 What does it weigh?

00:31:12.000 How big is it?

00:31:13.000 I don't know what the fuck it means. 0.99

00:31:14.000 I don't know what your stress is compared to someone else's stress in the same situation. 0.99

00:31:19.000 You know, some people, they have bad things happen to them.

00:31:22.000 They freak the fuck out and they're never the same.

00:31:24.000 And other people get better.

00:31:25.000 They, like, get stronger through, like, a bad thing that happens to them.

00:31:30.000 It's like, we don't know what that is.

00:31:33.000 We don't know what...

00:31:34.000 It's how it affects you.

00:31:36.000 And if you don't think that it has a big factor, I think we should be teaching that.

00:31:42.000 Teaching that to people.

00:31:44.000 It's so huge.

00:31:45.000 Military guys, and you know they exist, and you've met the military guys who were kind of bummed out.

00:31:49.000 They didn't get to go to combat.

00:31:51.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:52.000 Now it's boring.

00:31:53.000 I want to go back there. 0.99

00:31:56.000 I want to fucking... 0.99

00:31:57.000 Hurt Locker. 1.00

00:31:59.000 Okay.

00:31:59.000 That movie Hurt Locker.

00:32:00.000 Not everyone has...

00:32:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:02.000 I only remember the first scene with the guy's fucking head exploding in the mask. 1.00

00:32:06.000 But I love that guy. 0.99

00:32:08.000 Jeremy Renner, I think his name is.

00:32:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:09.000 He's awesome.

00:32:10.000 He's awesome.

00:32:11.000 I met him in the UFC. Funny guy.

00:32:14.000 You know, there's like that kind of thing where people like long for the camaraderie that exists in combat.

00:32:23.000 Do you ever read Sebastian Junger?

00:32:24.000 You ever read any of his stuff?

00:32:26.000 No. 0.99

00:32:27.000 Fucking amazing guy. 0.99

00:32:29.000 Really interesting guy. 0.99

00:32:30.000 Super earnest and he's so intelligent. 0.93

00:32:34.000 There's no bullshit in his words. 0.70

00:32:36.000 Fiction or non-fiction? 0.94

00:32:37.000 Well, I'm sure he does fiction too, but I'm a big fan of his non-fiction.

00:32:41.000 I know the name.

00:32:43.000 He wrote this book called Tribe.

00:32:43.000 He was also a part of...

00:32:47.000 That documentary...

00:32:48.000 Restrepo.

00:32:49.000 Thank you.

00:32:50.000 Restrepo.

00:32:50.000 He was a part of Restrepo.

00:32:52.000 But his book Tribe talks about that.

00:32:56.000 It talks about the camaraderie that men face in combat and that they go back to regular life and it's so...

00:33:03.000 It's so dull and pale in comparison and the guys that I know that have served there's a good percentage of them who have experienced combat who they say some of their happiest moments of their life.

00:33:16.000 And as crazy as that sounds like because they got through it but when they look back at it they talk about it they like the camaraderie that we have like as a team and some of the stuff they went through and the fact they thought they were doing it for a really good cause and that it was you know they were being heroes.

00:33:33.000 And so there's like this heightened sense of existence.

00:33:35.000 This is a weak example, and I'm not trying to liken one to the other, but when you look back at your comedy days where no one knew you and it was just fucking hell gigs, those are the most prominent memories you have of early comedy.

00:33:49.000 Except you don't ever want to go back to those hell gigs.

00:33:51.000 Those guys, a lot of them want to go back to combat.

00:33:53.000 A lot of guys want to go back down late.

00:33:54.000 You haven't seen my schedule. 1.00

00:33:57.000 Yeah, but you're a fucking assassin now. 1.00

00:33:59.000 It's not the same. 0.99

00:34:00.000 You going back to what you were at when you were four months into comedy is what I'm talking about.

00:34:06.000 You know? 0.99

00:34:06.000 Because those fucking days, dude, we were terrible. 0.99

00:34:10.000 I don't want to do that again. 0.99

00:34:12.000 But as far as doing those gigs again? 0.51

00:34:14.000 Someone unearthed a gig of me three months into comedy, a video that's out on YouTube, and sporadically someone finds it and went, oh, Jesus, what the fuck is this?

00:34:24.000 I remember when you had that beautiful hair.

00:34:26.000 You had beautiful long hair.

00:34:28.000 This was before it was almost poofy on top with the mullet.

00:34:32.000 It was an extraordinary mane.

00:34:35.000 Those days when you're trying to find your identity.

00:34:37.000 I wore a suit jacket on stage with rolled up sleeves because I saw a guy wear it on evening improv.

00:34:44.000 It was the comedy uniform.

00:34:46.000 Like a wacky t-shirt and a suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up.

00:34:51.000 God, it was so corny.

00:34:52.000 Pegged pants.

00:34:53.000 I had Cavaricis.

00:34:55.000 Z Cavaricis. 1.00

00:34:56.000 You remember those stupid things? 0.98

00:34:57.000 I remember because my first comedy competition was some nothing Las Vegas thing, but the winner got to actually work at a club on the Strip, which no local comic when I started in Vegas, for the listener, would ever touch. 0.99

00:35:12.000 And my buddy gave me his Z Cavaricis.

00:35:16.000 Not a leisure suit, but like a Don Johnson suit, and it was white jacket, white pants, and God knows what I wore for a shirt, and I failed miserably.

00:35:25.000 The Cavarici pants, the last time I wore them on stage, I had one of the worst bombings of my life.

00:35:30.000 I had one of those bombings that was, like, life-changing.

00:35:33.000 Like, I had to make big decisions.

00:35:35.000 I had just moved to New Jersey.

00:35:37.000 I was living with my grandmother and my grandfather.

00:35:40.000 My grandmother had an aneurysm.

00:35:41.000 They gave her 48 hours to live.

00:35:43.000 She lived for 12 years.

00:35:45.000 For 12 years.

00:35:46.000 And my grandfather had to take care of her.

00:35:48.000 And she would moan in agony and she couldn't move.

00:35:51.000 It was crazy, man.

00:35:52.000 And I lived in this house with them.

00:35:54.000 And I also broke up with my girlfriend and tore my ACL. So I had a fucked up knee. 0.98

00:36:02.000 Banner year. 0.97

00:36:03.000 And my manager had convinced me that I should dress nice on stage.

00:36:07.000 I'm like, yeah, I should probably dress nicer.

00:36:08.000 And he was like, you should be like, you know, you're a good looking guy.

00:36:11.000 Wear some nice clothes.

00:36:12.000 Which is the worst advice ever for a comedian.

00:36:14.000 So you're on stage like you're going to go to a club.

00:36:16.000 Like, hey, how's everybody doing? 0.98

00:36:18.000 You know, I'm wearing like a fucking nice button up shirt. 0.97

00:36:20.000 I look like a... 0.97

00:36:21.000 I took all the advice from anyone I thought had a position of power, even if it's just because they booked the Tuesday mic at Phil's VIP lounge.

00:36:32.000 Hey, you know, a professional comic, if you want to move on to the...

00:36:35.000 And that's when I started wearing the suit coat with the sleeves rolled up and pleated pants.

00:36:40.000 I went on after Jim Brewer.

00:36:42.000 Me and Jim Brewer worked together for the whole week.

00:36:46.000 I think it was like Wednesday through Saturday, or at least Thursday through Saturday.

00:36:50.000 We had a lot of fun.

00:36:51.000 We became good friends.

00:36:52.000 It was the first time we ever worked together, and we've been good friends ever since.

00:36:55.000 I did good going on after him most nights.

00:36:58.000 Everything was fine until Saturday night.

00:37:00.000 Saturday Night Late Show.

00:37:02.000 You know how it gets.

00:37:04.000 You do that Wednesday show, Thursday show, Friday show, Saturday show.

00:37:07.000 You do two shows Friday, two shows Saturday.

00:37:09.000 You get loose.

00:37:10.000 You get loose, right? 0.99

00:37:12.000 Jim Burr got fucking loose. 0.99

00:37:14.000 Dude, he was doing this bit about coming home from drinking. 1.00

00:37:19.000 And when you're drunk and your mom's mad at you, she seems like a monster.

00:37:22.000 You do this bit. 0.96

00:37:23.000 Oh my God, he's murdering.

00:37:25.000 And his facial expressions. 0.94

00:37:27.000 And I mean, he's murdering.

00:37:28.000 And I am...

00:37:30.000 Terrified.

00:37:30.000 Terrified backstage.

00:37:31.000 And I can barely, barely just think about my act.

00:37:37.000 Barely.

00:37:37.000 And I'm like, I cannot follow this.

00:37:40.000 There's no way I can follow this.

00:37:41.000 Like, he's way better than I am.

00:37:43.000 And I was right. 1.00

00:37:44.000 And I went up and just ate shit. 0.99

00:37:47.000 Like, he was on a total new level that night. 0.99

00:37:51.000 And I've always said to this day, like, people that have never seen Jim Brewer kill, you have no idea.

00:37:57.000 Like, there was a time where I forget what controversy he was involved in.

00:38:01.000 There was some controversy with Jim Brewer where people were mad at him recently.

00:38:05.000 That's weird.

00:38:06.000 And they were saying...

00:38:07.000 I know, it's crazy.

00:38:07.000 He's the nicest guy ever.

00:38:08.000 I know.

00:38:09.000 But they were saying some real horrible things about him.

00:38:12.000 Because he made some...

00:38:13.000 It was some interview he did on a video and they were blowing it up. 1.00

00:38:16.000 And someone was saying that, you know, oh, you know, this washed up comedian, like, you are out of your fucking mind. 1.00

00:38:22.000 I've read those. 1.00

00:38:23.000 Oh, you know, he just needs the attention because he can't sell tickets.

00:38:26.000 Like, you have no idea.

00:38:27.000 I know. 1.00

00:38:28.000 The Jim Brewer fans are fucking diehards. 0.98

00:38:32.000 That guy's probably one of the most underrated stand-up comedians alive. 1.00

00:38:35.000 When he murders, I can barely breathe.

00:38:38.000 I can barely breathe when Brewer is murdering.

00:38:40.000 He brings you into his crazy mind and takes you on this little journey.

00:38:45.000 I wouldn't even call him underrated. 0.99

00:38:47.000 He's fucking raided. 0.96

00:38:48.000 He's rated, but he's so good, he should be filling arenas. 0.99

00:38:53.000 That's how good Jim Brewer is. 0.81

00:38:54.000 Jim Brewer is a monster.

00:38:56.000 So anyway, at this time, back then, I really didn't have a headliner set.

00:39:00.000 I can kind of stretch it out to a headliner set, and I knew it.

00:39:03.000 I'd only been doing comedy, like, three years.

00:39:05.000 I really didn't have 45 minutes. 0.99

00:39:07.000 I was fucking terrified. 1.00

00:39:09.000 And I went up there and bombed with my stupid Cavaricis on. 1.00

00:39:13.000 Where was it? 0.99

00:39:13.000 Do you remember? 0.99

00:39:13.000 I think it was in West Nyack, New York. 0.99

00:39:16.000 It was like a comedy loft or some shit. 0.57

00:39:21.000 Everybody had Comedy Den, Comedy Shack, Comedy This. 0.91

00:39:25.000 It was something like that.

00:39:26.000 But we became great friends.

00:39:28.000 And after that set, I made a big effort to change my material.

00:39:33.000 I cut all the fat out of my material.

00:39:35.000 I was like, I can't pretend I have 45 minutes. 1.00

00:39:37.000 What I need to do is write 45 minutes of killer shit. 1.00

00:39:41.000 Like, you can't just, like, sit on this 30 minutes and I'm stretching out to 45 minutes and bullshit. 1.00

00:39:45.000 I was, uh, forced into the fire because I was playing, uh, Missoula, Montana- no, Great Falls, Montana.

00:39:53.000 And, uh, It was a Tribble gig. 0.93

00:39:56.000 One-nighter, legendary booker of the fucking longest drives between gigs. 0.61

00:40:01.000 Okay, you do Idaho Falls, and then you drive nine hours to Billings, and then double back to go to Whitefish. 0.98

00:40:07.000 It was just crazy for no money.

00:40:10.000 It was like $125 a night in the early 90s, and now it's probably $100, and he only has like four gigs left.

00:40:17.000 He's still out there?

00:40:19.000 Yeah, you still get a few gigs.

00:40:21.000 I wanted to go on a Tribble gig just because I wanted to be able to say I wanted a Tribble gig.

00:40:26.000 Well, we do Tribble gigs ourselves because it's beautiful to be...

00:40:30.000 Yeah, but you've got to do it through him because it's a Tribble gig. 1.00

00:40:31.000 No, no, no.

00:40:31.000 Yeah, I know.

00:40:32.000 To make it official.

00:40:33.000 We just go play the same bars that he used to book.

00:40:35.000 How old is he?

00:40:37.000 He's got to be 100 years old.

00:40:40.000 If you could look up David Tribble because if I'm wrong and I did hear he passed away...

00:40:45.000 Did you ever do the Shuler gigs?

00:40:48.000 Shuler, no.

00:40:49.000 Where was that?

00:40:49.000 John Shuler had a gang of really good gigs in like the Connecticut area.

00:40:53.000 No, I never played New England until later in my career.

00:40:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:40:56.000 John Shuler.

00:40:57.000 Shout out to John Shuler.

00:40:58.000 Let me just finish.

00:40:59.000 I show up to be the 25-minute feature act. 0.99

00:41:03.000 The fucking headliner is snowed in on the other side of the pass, on the other side of Idaho. 0.99

00:41:07.000 Can't make it. 0.99

00:41:08.000 So now I have to cover fucking 90 minutes of comedy. 0.97

00:41:12.000 Having a strong 25 that day. 0.99

00:41:15.000 And I remember sitting in everything I'd ever written in my notebook, whether it's shit or not. 0.91

00:41:21.000 But I went up and I told them, like, I was supposed to do 25 minutes, so everyone was on my side. 0.97

00:41:26.000 Oh, that's good.

00:41:27.000 That's good.

00:41:28.000 But it really forced me, okay.

00:41:30.000 And then I go, hey, I did...

00:41:33.000 Maybe 75 minutes.

00:41:34.000 Probably get off a little early.

00:41:36.000 But I go, okay, I can do this if I'm forced to do it.

00:41:39.000 And now I did it.

00:41:41.000 One of the things about what we do is that you never are allowed to...

00:41:47.000 You can get comfortable for a little bit until you release a special. 0.99

00:41:50.000 And then it's back to square one, bitch. 1.00

00:41:53.000 Back to square one. 1.00

00:41:54.000 You don't get to sit on your old hits.

00:41:56.000 You know, like a great band can...

00:41:58.000 When they're coming to see you.

00:42:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:42:00.000 When they're coming to see Joe Rogan and not coming to see Comedy Night because they had a coupon, now you're like, oh fuck, I owe these people something because now I have a crowd and they saw this shit last year, I'm under the gun. 0.99

00:42:12.000 Or I just put out a special. 0.99

00:42:13.000 Just put out a special is the big one.

00:42:15.000 And then the other one is like if there's a benefit to just going on a comedy night because maybe they're not Doug Stanhope fans.

00:42:23.000 There's some guys that get captured by their fans.

00:42:26.000 I am.

00:42:26.000 I'm that guy.

00:42:27.000 I don't fucking venture out. 0.98

00:42:31.000 No one get fucking canceled by their own fans. 0.98

00:42:35.000 You said this to me once. 0.99

00:42:36.000 You said, I worked 25 fucking years to get an audience. 0.99

00:42:38.000 Why would I leave them? 0.99

00:42:39.000 Yes, exactly.

00:42:40.000 And I literally have one of the best audiences when I just went back to the comedy store.

00:42:47.000 I worked the comedy store in March two nights, which I do. 0.99

00:42:51.000 LA is every 18 months when I have brand new shit. 0.97

00:42:55.000 And then I get called back to do the Netflix comedy special. 0.99

00:43:01.000 Just a couple days ago.

00:43:03.000 It's like a 10-day festival.

00:43:04.000 A Netflix comedy festival.

00:43:07.000 It's like Netflix is a joke, right?

00:43:08.000 Yeah, Netflix is a joke, which is over 10 days in LA, where all of those comics probably live in LA. Yeah.

00:43:15.000 You're not hanging out after the show.

00:43:18.000 It's not a festival for us.

00:43:20.000 Right. 0.97

00:43:20.000 But I went back to the comedy store to hang out, and the guy's like, I just have to tell you, When you were here, your fans are the fucking best fans. 0.97

00:43:30.000 They tip well, they drink heavy, no one complains about anything.

00:43:35.000 That's awesome.

00:43:36.000 Yeah.

00:43:37.000 That's beautiful.

00:43:38.000 Now I'm getting competitive with you about fans.

00:43:41.000 You know, people do that, Mike, yeah, your fans are the best fans.

00:43:44.000 Wait, what about my fans?

00:43:46.000 What about my fans?

00:43:47.000 That is the curse of the comedian.

00:43:52.000 The guy that told me that in New York, we played Sony Music Hall, and he was saying the same thing about my fans.

00:43:59.000 Because I say, they tip almost at a gay audience level who are renowned, the best tippers.

00:44:06.000 They're the best tippers?

00:44:06.000 Gay audiences are the best tippers.

00:44:08.000 That's beautiful. 0.90

00:44:09.000 And I go, you're up top.

00:44:11.000 There's a Griffin scale in comedy audience tippers.

00:44:16.000 And it goes from Eddie Griffin at the bottom to Kathy Griffin audiences at the top.

00:44:21.000 It's the Griffin scale of tipping.

00:44:23.000 That's hilarious.

00:44:25.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:44:28.000 Oh, my God.

00:44:29.000 So true.

00:44:31.000 It's a weird ride we've been on, buddy.

00:44:34.000 I remember I found out about you.

00:44:38.000 I think I was in Houston.

00:44:41.000 And where I was doing stand-up.

00:44:43.000 And then...

00:44:44.000 We were just talking about that.

00:44:47.000 Someone... 0.97

00:44:48.000 Like, people, when they tweet those old late-90 Laugh Stop Houston calendars that he used to have out coming this month, and it'd be fucking you, me, Hedberg, Louis C.K., fucking every comic that was... 0.94

00:45:05.000 No one had any idea. 0.89

00:45:06.000 Yeah, those calendars are beautiful.

00:45:08.000 If you get a hold of one of those.

00:45:10.000 I would like to get one of those Laugh Stop ones.

00:45:12.000 Laugh Stop, I mean...

00:45:13.000 And you just said that, and now you're going to get like 900 of them.

00:45:16.000 Good, get me one.

00:45:18.000 Send it to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Did you hear about Brian Hersey?

00:45:24.000 Fuck, just found that out yesterday. 1.00

00:45:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:26.000 And he was not a guy... 1.00

00:45:30.000 I mean, suicide, you can't guess who's...

00:45:33.000 Nobody.

00:45:33.000 Nobody knows.

00:45:34.000 But there's some that you're not as surprised as others.

00:45:36.000 And Hersey was the sweetest kid, and he had that laugh.

00:45:39.000 And it was his real laugh.

00:45:42.000 He was a funny dude, man.

00:45:43.000 Yeah.

00:45:44.000 You know what happened with a lot of those guys?

00:45:46.000 They were so invested in the Houston scene, and then...

00:45:52.000 What was his name that was running the laugh stop?

00:45:55.000 Mark Babbitt.

00:45:56.000 That's right, Mark.

00:45:57.000 And when they get rid of him, everything kind of changed.

00:46:01.000 And then when they closed down...

00:46:02.000 Well, he was the...

00:46:03.000 He was, yeah.

00:46:04.000 He was glue. 0.99

00:46:05.000 And yeah, he was crazy. 0.98

00:46:06.000 Yeah, he was... 0.98

00:46:07.000 Yeah, some improprieties.

00:46:11.000 Some theories that have floated around on the rumor mill. 1.00

00:46:14.000 Yeah, just fucking allegations. 0.99

00:46:16.000 Probably unfounded. 1.00

00:46:17.000 But the point is, the guy, like, you need a fucking crazy person to run a comedy club. 0.99

00:46:21.000 I've always said this to these comics. 0.98

00:46:23.000 I'm like, you know, don't think of yourself as having this animosity towards club owners because you need club owners.

00:46:29.000 There's this thing that comics have in the beginning where they don't feel like they're getting paid what they deserve or they don't feel like they're getting booked as much as they should or...

00:46:36.000 And they, you know, they can't get into place.

00:46:38.000 And then when they finally do get into place, and then they finally start doing well, they never forgive club owners for the way club owners used to make them feel in the early days of the career. 0.90

00:46:48.000 It's basically how ugly guys feel about hot women. 1.00

00:46:51.000 They're just mad at the women because the women don't like them. 1.00

00:46:53.000 But it had nothing to do with the women.

00:46:55.000 The women aren't doing anything wrong. 1.00

00:46:56.000 You're just gross. 1.00

00:46:57.000 You know, you're just gross. 0.99

00:46:58.000 And that's how it was with us. 0.99

00:47:00.000 Like, we were all gross, and the club owners were like, look, we have a lot of fucking, you know, David Tell's coming, a lot of people who are good are coming, I don't need you. 0.96

00:47:07.000 And that relationship, I was always telling these guys, like, you gotta have these people in your life. 0.99

00:47:13.000 And some of them are crazy. 0.52

00:47:15.000 Some of them are trying to rip you off. 1.00

00:47:17.000 It's like teachers. 0.99

00:47:17.000 When you look back of all the teachers you had in all your public schooling, you can remember a couple that did stand out and some that were fucking wretched. 0.99

00:47:27.000 And Mark Babbitt was the club owner that really gave a fuck. 0.99

00:47:31.000 Not about making money. 0.98

00:47:33.000 He supported Open Mic in that he watched people.

00:47:36.000 He helped guys grow.

00:47:37.000 He was there.

00:47:39.000 It was like his baby. 0.99

00:47:40.000 Like, I want you guys to fucking do well. 0.98

00:47:44.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:47:45.000 He was really running a community.

00:47:49.000 Yeah.

00:47:49.000 And that's what Houston had for a while.

00:47:52.000 And then when it went away, it just wasn't the same.

00:47:56.000 And I hear it's coming back now, and I hear there's a good community down there now.

00:48:00.000 A lot of people, they do that.

00:48:02.000 What is that place?

00:48:03.000 A secret group?

00:48:04.000 Is that what it's called?

00:48:04.000 Yeah, that's where they did Skank Fest.

00:48:07.000 That's probably where I got COVID. Yeah.

00:48:10.000 Yeah.

00:48:11.000 I hear nothing but good things though.

00:48:12.000 It was so much fun.

00:48:15.000 They're doing it in Vegas and it's sold out now.

00:48:17.000 They're doing it in Vegas in October, but I had to restructure my road tour and I'm not going to be able to do it. 0.99

00:48:23.000 It fucking sucks. 0.97

00:48:24.000 Yeah, well, you know, something like that, that could be done on a regular basis. 1.00

00:48:29.000 I mean, you could do a fucking Stanhope fest. 0.92

00:48:31.000 You could do, you know, just bring a bunch of your... 0.98

00:48:34.000 I mean, the whole point is that the scene is better.

00:48:37.000 Like, it's great that Skankfest is killing it, and that's...

00:48:40.000 I love that they're doing it all over the country, too.

00:48:43.000 But, like, the comedy scene in Houston is better.

00:48:46.000 That's what I like.

00:48:47.000 I like the fact that it's... 0.98

00:48:48.000 There's, like, because of COVID in particular, that forced a lot of people to decide what the fuck they really want to do. 0.69

00:48:54.000 And a lot of people recognized that comedy was almost taken away from everybody.

00:48:58.000 Because you couldn't do live comedy in a lot of places because of the regulations.

00:49:02.000 Everybody was scared of COVID. And when that subsided and comedy shows started coming back, there's like a newfound enthusiasm because this thing that you love to do almost went away.

00:49:14.000 I ran into a guy, a comic named Moe from Houston.

00:49:19.000 Moe Amer? 0.95

00:49:20.000 I guess so.

00:49:21.000 Yeah.

00:49:22.000 And he tours with Chappelle.

00:49:24.000 He was at the festival.

00:49:25.000 It was very funny.

00:49:26.000 I'm sitting out in front of the comedy store during the day because it's closed, but they leave all the stools and tables out in that front outdoor bar patio.

00:49:35.000 So I can go from the hotel where I'm staying next door and sit and smoke and write alone during the day.

00:49:41.000 And I see Chappelle and his entourage at that coffee shop directly across the street.

00:49:47.000 And I can tell, at first I'm like, I think that's Chappelle.

00:49:51.000 And then once he lit up a cigarette where anyone else couldn't be smoked, I'm like, yeah, it's Chappelle.

00:49:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:49:57.000 And the funny part was those tour buses, the open top tour buses, like see the houses of the stars kind of shit. 0.78

00:50:05.000 And they'd all stop in front of the comedy store and take pictures from the bus of the comedy store. 0.93

00:50:10.000 And I'm like...

00:50:13.000 Dave Chappelle's right.

00:50:14.000 That's hilarious.

00:50:16.000 That's hilarious.

00:50:17.000 So Moe, Chappelle left, but then Moe saw me and came across the street and he was talking about he's really trying to reopen the laugh stop in Houston.

00:50:26.000 The old place is still available?

00:50:28.000 That old place is still there?

00:50:30.000 Evidently.

00:50:31.000 Or maybe he was trying to turn the laugh spot.

00:50:34.000 That was a funny story.

00:50:36.000 There used to be two laugh stops and they sold one.

00:50:39.000 So to save money on the sign, they just switched the letters.

00:50:42.000 Is that real?

00:50:43.000 That's real?

00:50:43.000 I didn't know that.

00:50:44.000 Laugh stop to laugh spot.

00:50:46.000 Oh my god, that's hilarious.

00:50:47.000 Oh, and there was another guy, this is how this slides into Brian Hersey, because I was asking him, there was a comic, and I don't think it was John McDowell, but someone with a name like that that's too common to remember, but killed himself, hung himself off the balcony after a gig at the laugh stop.

00:51:07.000 Really?

00:51:07.000 And I was tweeting, like, what was that guy's name?

00:51:09.000 I was trying to tally up how many comics have been found dead in their hotel.

00:51:15.000 People died on the road in a hotel.

00:51:18.000 Quite a few.

00:51:20.000 Saget recently.

00:51:21.000 Yeah.

00:51:22.000 Carlin.

00:51:23.000 Hedberg.

00:51:24.000 Ralphie.

00:51:24.000 Hedberg.

00:51:25.000 Wait, Carlin was in a hotel?

00:51:26.000 Yeah.

00:51:27.000 Ralphie, I got corrected.

00:51:28.000 I believe Carlin was in Vegas, right?

00:51:30.000 Ralphie was...

00:51:31.000 I think he died later.

00:51:32.000 Oh, really?

00:51:33.000 Yeah.

00:51:33.000 Oh, so he had an incident in the hotel?

00:51:36.000 Ralphie was not technically in a hotel, but he was doing a residency in Vegas, but they'd rented a house or something.

00:51:44.000 I got corrected when I tweeted about this.

00:51:46.000 I was trying to tally up You know, Ralphie was one of those ones where it's like, people are so different from just you and them interacting, having a conversation, to when they're untethered from other people.

00:52:00.000 And that's the thing with a guy like Ralphie.

00:52:02.000 It's like, if Ralphie could be the Ralphie that he was around his friends, I think you would have been happy and healthy.

00:52:09.000 I ran into him maybe two years before he died in Nashville. 0.99

00:52:14.000 I was working there and we went out for sushi and he was just like bitter like me and fuck this and fuck this business and everything not Ralphie. 0.99

00:52:25.000 But Ralphie was kind of a sponge of the personalities around him. 0.99

00:52:30.000 Who was around him at the time?

00:52:31.000 I don't think anyone was.

00:52:33.000 I think it's when he was going through the divorce.

00:52:36.000 The divorce probably got him.

00:52:37.000 Yeah.

00:52:37.000 I mean, that's a hard one for almost everybody.

00:52:40.000 But Ralphie was always the big, upbeat, sweet guy, so to see him in an angry place...

00:52:46.000 And I'm like, are you just copying my anger, Ralphie?

00:52:50.000 I love to complain.

00:52:51.000 I'm never really angry.

00:52:52.000 I just love to complain.

00:52:53.000 Well, I think he had a legitimate reason.

00:52:56.000 I mean, he's losing everything.

00:52:58.000 Yeah.

00:52:59.000 Losing his family, losing money, losing, you know.

00:53:02.000 And he had, like, legit health problems.

00:53:04.000 I mean, Ralphie had multiple stomach surgeries.

00:53:07.000 He had more than one to try to, you know.

00:53:10.000 But did he?

00:53:11.000 I don't know.

00:53:12.000 He had a giant scar.

00:53:13.000 Huge scar on his stomach.

00:53:15.000 You ever see it?

00:53:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:53:18.000 He was not ashamed to take off his shirt, and that's one thing I love. 0.89

00:53:21.000 Anyone who can smile big with bad teeth or take off their shirt when they're fucking Ralphie's age, I have... 0.96

00:53:28.000 Most respect. 0.94

00:53:29.000 But the first time I met him in Houston in mid-90s, he told me he'd just got his stomach stapled and had lost 150 pounds or whatever.

00:53:38.000 And then a couple years later when I saw him again, he had just gotten his stomach stapled and just lost this much weight.

00:53:45.000 So I'd heard many a Ralphie story that...

00:53:49.000 But you know what?

00:53:51.000 He's not my manager. 0.99

00:53:52.000 I don't give a fuck if he's lying. 0.99

00:53:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:53:55.000 Well, it's just unfortunate.

00:53:56.000 It's like he didn't have to with us. 0.99

00:53:58.000 We don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:54:00.000 If you said I had to stop at Jack in the Box and eat 75 jalapeno poppers, we don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:54:05.000 We'll laugh. 1.00

00:54:05.000 We don't care. 1.00

00:54:06.000 One of the best things about comics is they'll embrace you for whatever weird shit you're into. 0.99

00:54:12.000 Celebrate you. 1.00

00:54:13.000 Nobody gives a fuck. 1.00

00:54:13.000 Gay, straight, black, white, Asian, European. 1.00

00:54:17.000 Literally no one cares other than, are you funny?

00:54:20.000 That's literally the currency that we... 0.97

00:54:22.000 And sometimes, come on, we have fucking really good friends that aren't funny. 0.96

00:54:26.000 Yeah, that's a problem. 0.98

00:54:28.000 It is.

00:54:28.000 The problem is if you have a really good friend that's not funny, and they've been doing it for quite a few years, and they're fucking starving to death, and they want you to take them on the road, you're like, bro...

00:54:38.000 I can't.

00:54:39.000 Like, whatever your math that you're not doing, you need to work that math out.

00:54:43.000 I mean, whatever, 1 plus 1 equals 5. And I've got to clarify this, because it makes me crazy when other people say it.

00:54:50.000 When I say you're not funny, I mean, I don't find you funny.

00:54:54.000 When people flat out...

00:54:56.000 Especially when they're castigating a comedian for a bit that's off-color or harmful or hurtful.

00:55:02.000 And they go, well, it's just not funny.

00:55:04.000 This subject isn't funny.

00:55:06.000 No, it's not funny to you.

00:55:08.000 When you watch the clip of this that you're complaining about, you can clearly see an audience laughing.

00:55:13.000 So it's funny to someone. 0.70

00:55:15.000 It's nonsense.

00:55:16.000 This idea that it's not funny, period.

00:55:19.000 That's so subjective.

00:55:21.000 There's things that are funny to a lot of people, like...

00:55:24.000 I don't understand the Big Bang Theory.

00:55:26.000 I watched it a bunch of times.

00:55:27.000 A lot of people are laughing.

00:55:28.000 I don't understand it.

00:55:29.000 I mean, I literally watch it like I'm- I get upset at just the commercials.

00:55:33.000 It's like I'm watching someone piece together a lawnmower.

00:55:36.000 I don't get it.

00:55:37.000 Like, okay, but this is my reaction to it. 1.00

00:55:40.000 But that fucking show is a giant success, man. 0.99

00:55:42.000 So obviously I'm wrong. 1.00

00:55:44.000 You know, there's a lot of shit that I don't like, but other people love. 0.98

00:55:47.000 And that's a thing we gotta be more accepting about. 0.99

00:55:49.000 I used to say that about the Larry the Cable Guy heyday.

00:55:53.000 There was like two years where you couldn't go on stage without someone yelling, get her done.

00:55:58.000 And I don't want to hate Larry the Cable Guy.

00:56:01.000 He's a sweetheart.

00:56:02.000 I hate his audience.

00:56:03.000 I don't even hate his audience. 1.00

00:56:04.000 It's the same audience that would yell out, I'm rich, bitch, at the Dave Chappelle shows. 1.00

00:56:08.000 Yeah, I hate that person too. 1.00

00:56:10.000 Dude, I watched that.

00:56:11.000 I watched Dave go on stage and like, it was during the height of the Chappelle show and before he left.

00:56:18.000 And he went on stage, I think... 1.00

00:56:20.000 I might be having a fucked-up memory about this, but I think it was at the House of Blues in Vegas, and people kept fucking yelling, I'm rich, bitch! 1.00

00:56:30.000 I remember. 0.99

00:56:31.000 It's exhausting, and I think apparently that happened at Dave Emmer.

00:56:33.000 Wait, they were yelling at you?

00:56:34.000 No, at Dave, when he was on stage. 1.00

00:56:36.000 Yeah, no, I remember that whole, they leave fucking shows early, like, fuck, I don't have to do this. 0.99

00:56:41.000 It was, I think for him, it was like he got captured by the success of this one fucking catchphrase, which is crazy. 0.99

00:56:49.000 But that can happen, man. 0.99

00:56:52.000 But it wasn't even a catchphrase.

00:56:54.000 They made it a catchphrase.

00:56:55.000 It was one sketch that stuck. 0.97

00:57:00.000 It's not like he was saying get her done on this, I'm rich bitch every night, like get her done. 0.99

00:57:05.000 But even if he is saying get her done, who gives a fuck? 0.99

00:57:08.000 It's like... 0.99

00:57:10.000 The hating of the Larry the Cable Guy thing.

00:57:12.000 There was some people that felt like he was doing things that were xenophobic, right?

00:57:18.000 Wasn't there some people that were upset that he was doing some stuff that was like during the war that they felt...

00:57:26.000 God, I'm trying to remember.

00:57:27.000 Wasn't that part of what Dave Cross was trying to say when he was mad at Larry the Cable Guy?

00:57:32.000 I don't remember.

00:57:33.000 I don't remember either.

00:57:34.000 Beefs do sell tickets.

00:57:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:57:37.000 And hardcore beliefs now, I've noticed, as the fucking comedy gets split into camps. 0.98

00:57:44.000 Yeah, if you have a hardcore fucking right-wing, left-wing opinion, you're selling way more tickets than a pragmatist like myself. 0.98

00:57:52.000 Well, or a centrist. 0.98

00:57:53.000 I used to think of myself as a left-wing person, but now I think of myself as left of center.

00:57:59.000 Or center, left. 0.99

00:58:03.000 This fucking world we're living in, everyone's so eager to get on a team and start throwing rocks at the other team. 0.99

00:58:10.000 And I always say that all the most important shit that we all agree on is vital to both sides. 1.00

00:58:17.000 I want to be safe. 0.98

00:58:19.000 I want to be healthy.

00:58:21.000 I want to be able to do what I want to do.

00:58:22.000 I want to be able to hang out with my friends.

00:58:24.000 I want to be able to, you know, relax with my family.

00:58:27.000 I want to be able to feed people.

00:58:29.000 I want to make sure that everybody's taken care of.

00:58:31.000 That's what we all want. 0.99

00:58:32.000 We don't want chaos and violence in our fucking home, in our neighborhood. 0.99

00:58:35.000 We don't want crime. 1.00

00:58:37.000 We don't want to be fucked over by corrupt politicians. 1.00

00:58:40.000 We all want that on right and left, right? 0.99

00:58:43.000 And then the other things that we don't agree on, I guarantee you they're less important.

00:58:47.000 The things we don't agree on, we can, like, figure out why we don't agree on, respectively, and I think you'll have more people coming towards the center and try to figure out some sort of workable solution.

00:58:57.000 The problem is, we're so goddamn polarized in this country right now. 0.99

00:59:01.000 Post-Trump, everybody's so fucking polarized, because that guy, like, pissed gasoline and lit it on fire on, like, half the fucking country. 0.99

00:59:10.000 Half the country now is never Trumpers, and if you've got 30% that think he's Jesus and they want him to come back and resurrect the Constitution, and then you got everybody else, it's like, I don't have a fucking horse in this race. 0.99

00:59:21.000 And so you got people like me that are like, what the fuck is going on? 0.99

00:59:24.000 Like everybody's losing their mind. 0.99

00:59:26.000 How am I a far-right guy?

00:59:27.000 A guy who almost voted for Bernie Sanders, a guy who smokes a lot of weed, a guy who grew up on welfare.

00:59:33.000 Like, I'm not.

00:59:34.000 This is not real. 1.00

00:59:35.000 You guys are crazy. 0.98

00:59:36.000 You have two completely polarized sides, and no one is being... 0.98

00:59:41.000 In any way, compassionate or charitable about the other side's opinions. 0.98

00:59:46.000 We're not meeting in the middle on all the shit that we all agree on. 0.97

00:59:49.000 But for me, maybe it's because I've kind of checked out mentally, like, that's just too anxiety-ridden, and I know I'm not gonna fucking help by having an opinion. 0.96

01:00:02.000 But you do help by having an opinion.

01:00:04.000 But I'm trying to stick to opinions that I kind of know something about. 0.99

01:00:08.000 And most of this shit I don't know about. 0.92

01:00:11.000 I've got great bits out of both of those. 0.99

01:00:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:15.000 Like the fucking Ukraine. 1.00

01:00:17.000 Oh, this is funny. 1.00

01:00:19.000 The Ukraine. 0.97

01:00:20.000 Okay, I know that's the war that took the COVID out of the top slot in the news after so many weeks in the Billboard fucking top 100. Yeah. 0.97

01:00:30.000 I got an email.

01:00:32.000 I have a fan in the Ukraine. 0.99

01:00:33.000 You have the same thing, where you have fucking fans in every weird place. 0.98

01:00:37.000 And a guy emailed me, very broken English, but very sweet. 0.99

01:00:41.000 Doug, I'm probably your only Ukraine fan.

01:00:45.000 Pardon my English.

01:00:46.000 I try to do translate.

01:00:49.000 Can I stop you right here?

01:00:50.000 That was me. 1.00

01:00:51.000 I was fucking with you. 1.00

01:00:52.000 Oh, no. 1.00

01:00:54.000 And I knew it was going to happen.

01:00:57.000 Because he says, I'm your biggest comedy fan.

01:01:01.000 I watch all your Translate YouTube video.

01:01:04.000 You are best comedy god.

01:01:06.000 You must tell people what Russia is doing to my people.

01:01:10.000 People need to know in your country.

01:01:12.000 And I'm like, I think you over...

01:01:15.000 Yeah, you went too far, buddy.

01:01:16.000 I'm not buying.

01:01:17.000 Yeah, I think he thinks I have a way bigger voice than I do to tell America about the news of what's happening in the Ukraine.

01:01:25.000 And he sent me all these links.

01:01:27.000 This is stuff you will not find on mainstream media.

01:01:30.000 And I go, listen, I don't... 0.99

01:01:32.000 I have time to fucking watch the news. 0.99

01:01:34.000 It makes me crazy. 0.99

01:01:35.000 But I'll have you be my personal Ukraine war correspondent.

01:01:39.000 Just you and me.

01:01:40.000 I'm only gonna get my Ukraine news from you.

01:01:43.000 So then he just blows me up all the time.

01:01:45.000 His name's Dima.

01:01:46.000 And he's very sweet.

01:01:47.000 He's 27. We will crush these Russian- How do you know he's 27? 1.00

01:01:50.000 He tells me. 0.93

01:01:51.000 How do you know he doesn't work for the government?

01:01:53.000 He might be a 14-year-old kid in his parents' basement in Cleveland.

01:01:56.000 But I don't care. 1.00

01:01:56.000 He thinks that now he's talking to his fucking idol and being, we will crush these orcs. 1.00

01:02:02.000 They have no passion to fight. 1.00

01:02:04.000 We will wait for the spring in the tall grass and remove their heads from the necks. 0.77

01:02:09.000 And we will watch their bodies burn in delight. 0.79

01:02:12.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:02:14.000 But then he'll always follow it up with, how are you?

01:02:22.000 This Ukraine thing is freaky. 1.00

01:02:24.000 But yeah, the point is, at some point he goes, maybe you could talk to Joe Rogan.

01:02:28.000 I'm like, alright, you just saw me as a conduit to get the word out.

01:02:33.000 Does that happen a lot?

01:02:34.000 Oh, it's happened since the man show days. 0.95

01:02:36.000 Not nearly as bad as fucking Johnny Depp now, where people, you have to get this to Johnny. 0.88

01:02:42.000 I'm like, I'm not that close of friends where I just... 0.99

01:02:45.000 Hey, Johnny, here's an email of someone who wants to buy you a home-cooked meal if you're ever in fucking ass cancer Nebraska. 0.98

01:02:51.000 But you, back in the fucking man show days, Joe won't respond to my emails. 0.99

01:02:59.000 Please tell him. 0.98

01:03:00.000 And then I would have the email printed off and tape it to the outside of my office door for you.

01:03:08.000 We showed your article that you had written a bunch of years ago about Amber Heard blackmailing Johnny.

01:03:15.000 And I remember you connected me to him on the phone, and I talked to him on the phone. 0.99

01:03:19.000 Yeah, we were pretty fucked up. 0.99

01:03:20.000 I shouldn't say that. 0.98

01:03:21.000 They're going to subpoena my texts.

01:03:23.000 I was drinking margaritas on the beach at the same time. 0.99

01:03:25.000 You were in Hawaii, and we were on fucking Johnny Depp Island. 0.98

01:03:28.000 I've been drinking margaritas. 0.99

01:03:30.000 I got my wife up. 1.00

01:03:30.000 I'm holding the phone. 1.00

01:03:31.000 I'm on the phone with Johnny Depp. 1.00

01:03:33.000 Shut the fuck down, bitch. 1.00

01:03:35.000 And he was just mumbling. 1.00

01:03:37.000 No, he was great.

01:03:38.000 Yeah, but he mumbled like Huntress Thompson from the movie.

01:03:42.000 He does that sometimes, I think.

01:03:44.000 His monologue may have affected his...

01:03:46.000 Did you watch any of the trial?

01:03:48.000 I've watched all the trial.

01:03:49.000 So you watched the poop part?

01:03:51.000 Yeah, I watched the poop part. 0.99

01:03:52.000 We were fucking dying like it was a comedy show when we're watching at the house. 0.99

01:03:56.000 When he's saying that she tried to blame it on the dog. 0.99

01:03:58.000 Dropping a grumpy...

01:04:00.000 How do you know it wasn't a dog feces? 0.85

01:04:02.000 How do you know it was human feces and not your dogs?

01:04:07.000 They're teacup Yorkies. 0.79

01:04:09.000 They weigh about four pounds each.

01:04:12.000 I've picked up their fung before.

01:04:15.000 Yes!

01:04:16.000 Fung, a word I've never heard.

01:04:18.000 Oh my god.

01:04:19.000 Well, first of all, what you get out of it is that he is an actor and he's very charming, but he's also clearly a nice guy.

01:04:27.000 He's one of the sweetest people I've I 100% believe that.

01:04:31.000 I briefly said hello to him in the backstage of the main room.

01:04:35.000 I didn't really have a conversation with him until you connected me with him on the phone.

01:04:38.000 He's a sweet guy.

01:04:39.000 I mean, I might be wrong.

01:04:40.000 I mean, some people are sweet sometimes.

01:04:42.000 Some people are sweet sometimes, and you don't see them when they're...

01:04:45.000 This is the Ralphie Mae thing that I was saying earlier.

01:04:47.000 It's like the Ralphie that we were around was like a happy, joyful Ralphie.

01:04:51.000 That Ralphie should have been concerned about his overconsumption of food and his, you know, just being like...

01:04:57.000 Everybody loves you, man.

01:04:59.000 But then you go on your own.

01:05:01.000 And when you go on your own, sometimes that's a different entity.

01:05:04.000 You know, sometimes people are way different when they're on their own than when they are...

01:05:08.000 They hate themselves for whatever reason.

01:05:09.000 They get angry.

01:05:10.000 They get frustrated.

01:05:11.000 It's weird, man.

01:05:12.000 You find out about it and you're like, that guy?

01:05:14.000 Like...

01:05:15.000 It took me a while to understand Brody.

01:05:17.000 I didn't understand Brody.

01:05:18.000 I never did.

01:05:20.000 I loved Brody, but everybody loves Brody.

01:05:23.000 How could Brody be depressed?

01:05:25.000 My feeling of Brody was so... 0.99

01:05:27.000 I knew people who were mentally ill. 0.98

01:05:32.000 I had many friends that had mental illnesses, for sure. 0.94

01:05:35.000 But Brody's was a different thing.

01:05:37.000 I didn't understand it.

01:05:38.000 Like, I didn't know how much of it was, like, him joking around and how much of it was real pain.

01:05:42.000 Yeah, how much of it is him putting on, like, a Gilbert Gottfried face.

01:05:46.000 Exactly.

01:05:47.000 It was so hard to tell.

01:05:47.000 And I always thought he was, you know, kind of knew how kooky he was.

01:05:51.000 And then he came out to do a...

01:05:53.000 I did a benefit show for the Humane Society in Tucson, and he came out for it, and we picked him up at the airport early, Bingo and I, and...

01:06:03.000 We went to...

01:06:04.000 It might have been after he had that kind of Twitter breakdown.

01:06:08.000 Yeah.

01:06:09.000 Well, he had a real breakdown.

01:06:10.000 Yeah, it was a real one, but he live-tweeted it.

01:06:13.000 Yeah. 0.78

01:06:14.000 But we went to breakfast at fucking Denny's right off the airport, and he, like, just sitting there in this very awkward silence, like, trying to... 0.94

01:06:23.000 You could see both of our gears trying to drum up small talk, because this is not the happy... 0.95

01:06:29.000 Brody, warm-up show guy that I know.

01:06:31.000 This is both of us in the morning. 1.00

01:06:33.000 I'm fucking hungover and he's mentally ill. 1.00

01:06:36.000 Right. 1.00

01:06:36.000 And socially awkward. 1.00

01:06:38.000 Yeah.

01:06:39.000 He went off his medication at one point in time and then I kind of understood what was going on.

01:06:44.000 And one of his good friends reached out to me and said, be careful in how you engage with him because he's off his medication and we're trying to bring him back.

01:06:52.000 And this is a good friend that I kind of sort of knew.

01:06:54.000 So I knew that he was friends with Brody.

01:06:56.000 So I was like, okay.

01:06:58.000 Um, what do I do?

01:06:59.000 And then I saw him on stage one night in the main room and man, it was wild.

01:07:03.000 It was like he was angry at the audience, but like the jokes weren't there anymore.

01:07:06.000 It was the same sort of, the same tempo that he had with his act.

01:07:11.000 But it was like anger instead of like, he would have like fake anger in his act and it was hilarious.

01:07:16.000 Yeah, it was hilarious.

01:07:18.000 But you can't tell off stage.

01:07:20.000 Yeah, I make money!

01:07:21.000 He would say that.

01:07:23.000 When I take my mom out for dinner, it feels good to pay half. 1.00

01:07:28.000 But it was like this anger at the audience for not understanding who the fuck he is. 0.99

01:07:34.000 I was like, Holtzman. 1.00

01:07:35.000 Holtzman's the same.

01:07:36.000 Like, okay, at one point...

01:07:38.000 Holtzman appears to be holding together, though.

01:07:40.000 He came to Skankfest and he was wearing this Colonel Parker kind of Western cut, cream colored, shiny suit. 0.99

01:07:51.000 He looked a fucking million dollars. 0.98

01:07:53.000 And it's the first time I've seen him out of L.A. I've only seen him out of L.A. maybe once or twice at like Aspen Comedy Festival, but where he felt comfortable. 0.99

01:08:01.000 Like he... 0.96

01:08:03.000 He was known for, he worked the comedy store because that was his comfort zone, and outside of that, but he was fucking solid. 0.96

01:08:11.000 He was solid. 0.92

01:08:12.000 And Eddie Pepitone, too.

01:08:13.000 Oh, yeah, very solid. 0.98

01:08:14.000 God damn it, is he funny. 0.98

01:08:15.000 Eddie is a great follow on Instagram. 0.99

01:08:17.000 He's a great follow.

01:08:18.000 It's really funny. 0.98

01:08:19.000 He writes some really funny shit about catastrophes and linking them to corporations. 0.99

01:08:23.000 Let me stop you right there. 0.98

01:08:25.000 I do a bit about how I might be cancelled and not know it, because if you're not famous, how would you know?

01:08:31.000 But all my stuff's been taken off of Netflix, and I don't know how long the shelf life is supposed to be, or if it's on purpose.

01:08:38.000 And my Instagram has been shut down since March of 2020. You didn't know?

01:08:44.000 I never really used it, but I thought, during a pandemic, I'll learn it.

01:08:48.000 Hennigan would put up some pictures here and again.

01:08:51.000 But it was verified.

01:08:52.000 No, it's just like all of a sudden our password didn't work and we couldn't forget password.

01:08:58.000 None of it worked.

01:08:58.000 We went through every channel.

01:09:00.000 Fucking no effects. 0.99

01:09:02.000 Fat Mike's manager. 0.99

01:09:03.000 I can guarantee I've fixed this for a million of my clients.

01:09:07.000 He couldn't.

01:09:09.000 Hennigan's now got a girl that works with someone in the industry.

01:09:13.000 I definitely have it.

01:09:15.000 Still have no Instagram and you can't Yeah, real Stan Hope.

01:09:22.000 You can't get in there?

01:09:24.000 Listen, this is not like I tried something once and hit a wrong button.

01:09:28.000 It's been over two years.

01:09:30.000 I would probably write that off to too many people that work at Instagram and too many accounts.

01:09:35.000 I would write that off.

01:09:36.000 I think I can help you with that.

01:09:38.000 That's why I just said it.

01:09:39.000 Yeah, I can help you with that.

01:09:40.000 On your podcast.

01:09:42.000 Listen, you know, all these social media companies...

01:09:44.000 Is our ice girl still here?

01:09:47.000 We don't have an ice girl.

01:09:47.000 We have a large gentleman that...

01:09:49.000 I couldn't remember his name, so I said it all salty.

01:09:53.000 Don't be salty.

01:09:54.000 Young Jamie will get us some ice.

01:09:56.000 We're getting hammered, buddy.

01:09:57.000 You know what?

01:09:58.000 Like the old days.

01:09:58.000 Come on, have a little neat.

01:10:00.000 I think that was missing last time.

01:10:03.000 Yeah, well, you know.

01:10:04.000 It was like 10 in the morning.

01:10:06.000 Last time, I think we did it a little early.

01:10:08.000 Cheers, my brother.

01:10:09.000 Cheers.

01:10:09.000 Always good to see you.

01:10:10.000 You too.

01:10:12.000 You're one of my favorite people.

01:10:14.000 If you stay alive, I'm happy.

01:10:16.000 Yeah, I don't even...

01:10:17.000 I mean, other than normal feeling bad...

01:10:20.000 Bad enough that I don't know that I have COVID, evidently.

01:10:24.000 I'm going to move you out here and get you on the protocol if anything goes sideways.

01:10:27.000 If anything goes sideways, I'm the first phone call, okay? 0.99

01:10:29.000 We're going to fucking take you out of here. 0.99

01:10:31.000 Hyperbaric chamber, sauna, cold plunge, hormones, everything. 1.00

01:10:35.000 We'll bring you right back like Frankenstein. 0.95

01:10:36.000 I've been looking for...

01:10:38.000 I always worry about repeating myself on here, but...

01:10:42.000 I was thinking like July.

01:10:44.000 I have July completely off.

01:10:46.000 Where do I go for 30 days that I don't have cigarettes and can't get cigarettes?

01:10:52.000 Because that's the easiest way to quit smoking is not have cigarettes and you just quit.

01:10:56.000 It's over.

01:10:57.000 Here's what we do.

01:10:57.000 We get your account back from Instagram.

01:11:00.000 First of all, thank you, Young Jamie.

01:11:01.000 We get your account back.

01:11:03.000 Then you do a 30 day thing where you have no cigarettes for 30 days.

01:11:09.000 And you just post it on Instagram.

01:11:12.000 And Instagram will see this as an opportunity to help a lot of people that have an addiction to cigarettes.

01:11:17.000 And they'll all be able to kick it.

01:11:19.000 And there's a million places.

01:11:23.000 Like a boat.

01:11:24.000 I like to smoke.

01:11:24.000 If you're on a boat.

01:11:25.000 Yeah, no.

01:11:26.000 I like to smoke.

01:11:27.000 I heard you're starting to smoke.

01:11:29.000 One cigarette before a show.

01:11:29.000 That's what I heard.

01:11:30.000 I broke it down to one.

01:11:32.000 I was doing three sometimes.

01:11:33.000 It's too much.

01:11:37.000 Well, did he smoke?

01:11:39.000 Well, that's...

01:11:40.000 Again, it's relative.

01:11:42.000 Yeah, he smoked how much? 1.00

01:11:43.000 No one died of fucking cancer. 1.00

01:11:46.000 From a cigarette a day. 1.00

01:11:47.000 Not even a day.

01:11:47.000 Those people that you meet after shows, they go, oh, there's cigarettes.

01:11:50.000 I haven't smoked since college.

01:11:52.000 Can I get one of those?

01:11:53.000 And then they smoke like three drags and go, ooh, I can't believe I used to do this. 1.00

01:11:57.000 That was a fucking dollar, lady. 1.00

01:11:59.000 It's not good for you. 1.00

01:12:00.000 I know it's not good for you. 1.00

01:12:01.000 I know, but when they bum them where they don't really smoke, well, I really need smoke, so fuck you for... 1.00

01:12:08.000 Habitual? 1.00

01:12:08.000 Or randomly? 1.00

01:12:10.000 Sorry for having willpower.

01:12:11.000 But what I do is one before each show.

01:12:14.000 One before each show.

01:12:15.000 It's a nootropic.

01:12:17.000 There's a cognitive benefit of nicotine.

01:12:20.000 And I could take it in other forms. 0.99

01:12:21.000 Like I tried this shit right here. 0.99

01:12:22.000 This is one of them pouches. 0.99

01:12:25.000 Shaw brought this over. 0.74

01:12:26.000 It's disgusting.

01:12:27.000 I couldn't handle that.

01:12:28.000 Can you handle that, Jamie?

01:12:29.000 Is that like chew?

01:12:30.000 No, it's like a pouch.

01:12:31.000 It's like chew.

01:12:32.000 You put it in your mouth.

01:12:33.000 You put it in your mouth.

01:12:33.000 But it's like the flavor.

01:12:35.000 And he's like, oh, this one's delicious.

01:12:37.000 Shop keeps like three or four in his mouth at all times.

01:12:40.000 The dude's medicated.

01:12:42.000 But young Jamie and I, we lasted about, what, a minute, two minutes?

01:12:46.000 Both at the same time.

01:12:47.000 We both bailed.

01:12:49.000 It doesn't even feel the same or taste the same.

01:12:52.000 I think I did bring a vape pen this time.

01:12:54.000 How was that?

01:12:56.000 I've only...

01:12:57.000 I got it specifically for here.

01:13:00.000 Yeah.

01:13:00.000 But I tried it and I'm like...

01:13:04.000 It'll probably get me through.

01:13:06.000 Dude, cigarettes.

01:13:06.000 Just smoke your cigarettes, man.

01:13:07.000 I know, I forget.

01:13:08.000 We have a whole system in here that sucks air out. 1.00

01:13:10.000 Well, I forget you smoke cigars, so I'm not, like, you're the bigger asshole. 1.00

01:13:14.000 There was a non-smoker here. 1.00

01:13:15.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's gross. 0.96

01:13:15.000 They would hate you more than me. 0.96

01:13:17.000 I don't know.

01:13:17.000 Some people like to smell cigars.

01:13:19.000 And pipes.

01:13:20.000 Pipes are great.

01:13:20.000 Hedberg used to smoke pipe.

01:13:23.000 Pipes are great.

01:13:23.000 Like a corn cob pipe.

01:13:25.000 He'd smoke tobacco out of it.

01:13:26.000 Pipes are great. 1.00

01:13:26.000 Like fucking Mark Twain. 1.00

01:13:28.000 Yeah, Stephen Crowder gave me a nice pipe and some real tobacco. 1.00

01:13:31.000 He smokes pipes.

01:13:32.000 And everybody loves pipes.

01:13:34.000 They smell good.

01:13:35.000 That smell is like aromatic.

01:13:37.000 It's almost like an incense.

01:13:38.000 The cigarette smell is the one that pisses people off the most.

01:13:42.000 Cigars is only next.

01:13:43.000 Like, I like cigars.

01:13:44.000 If dandelions were as rare as roses, everyone would be picking them.

01:13:48.000 So, yeah. 1.00

01:13:49.000 If you only smelled a cigarette every here and again, but everyone smoked a fucking pipe. 1.00

01:13:55.000 Did you make that quote? 1.00

01:13:56.000 I don't think so.

01:13:57.000 It's too good.

01:13:58.000 It's so good.

01:13:59.000 That's so good.

01:13:59.000 What, the dandelion one?

01:14:00.000 That's a great line. 0.99

01:14:01.000 Oh, I had this fucking line. 0.99

01:14:03.000 Actually, I stole it. 1.00

01:14:06.000 Because I was in a sports bar in Philly when I was playing helium down there, and I was at a sports bar watching football, and there was this fucking arrogant blowhard who was just... 0.99

01:14:17.000 He's talking over every TV in the sports bar. 0.99

01:14:20.000 He was so loud and drunk, and he said kind of the joke, and then his buddy kind of filled it in, and I'm like, there's no way.

01:14:29.000 That's a great joke for a stage, and you just happened upon it and didn't even know it was funny, and I'm stealing that.

01:14:35.000 So, for the first several times, I would qualify with, I stole this from a loudmouth prick at the bar that didn't know it was funny, and then I added whatever I needed to, where I have a post-bucket list.

01:14:47.000 When I die, I want my remains scattered in all these special places.

01:14:52.000 On this stage, specifically, I want my remains scattered.

01:14:57.000 Things, I don't want to be cremated.

01:14:59.000 I just want...

01:15:00.000 I don't want to be cremated either. 1.00

01:15:02.000 Greg Chaley to come in and splatter my remains and fucking rendered fat and fucking bones and digits. 0.99

01:15:09.000 And then Paul Provenza came to my show in LA and he's like, that's the best joke. 0.99

01:15:14.000 And the next day he found where someone had tweeted that.

01:15:18.000 And then he goes, oh, years ago, like 2014. And he's like, that's not my joke.

01:15:23.000 That's from a Dana Gould tweet.

01:15:25.000 And I'm like, all right, now I have to dump this.

01:15:27.000 That makes sense.

01:15:28.000 That's the problem if you hear something funny from a friend and you try to incorporate it in your act.

01:15:32.000 It's 15 seconds that I had to cut out of my act.

01:15:35.000 Well, you know how some guys are so ethical, like Attell.

01:15:39.000 Dave Attell always did that.

01:15:41.000 And then recently, Jim Norton, last night in fact, he sent me a text.

01:15:46.000 He goes, hey, do you ever say this?

01:15:47.000 And I said, I don't say that, I say this.

01:15:49.000 He goes, because I've been doing this and someone told me that it sounds like this.

01:15:53.000 I go, no, no, no, it's not the same thing.

01:15:54.000 Yeah, it usually isn't.

01:15:56.000 Yeah, it's not at all.

01:15:57.000 But that's how ethical he is.

01:15:59.000 He heard that we had, like, crossing subjects. 0.97

01:16:03.000 Yeah, I had to call Bill Burr once, and I swear he actually said it on his podcast about NFL versus soccer or rugby, and they say, oh, football's pussies because they have to wear helmets, 1.00

01:16:19.000 and we don't wear helmets in rugby, and... 0.99

01:16:22.000 And I swear it was Bill Burr on a podcast that said, yeah, but you never hear about a fucking rugby player shooting himself in the heart so they can study his brain because he's fucking crazy at 40. I'm paraphrasing and doing a bad accent. 0.99

01:16:37.000 But I called him up. 0.84

01:16:38.000 He goes, I don't remember ever saying that at all, but fucking cool on you for checking. 0.88

01:16:44.000 I still think. 0.90

01:16:45.000 And it wasn't even for my act.

01:16:47.000 It was for something I was writing.

01:16:49.000 Someone will find it because you're saying it now.

01:16:50.000 Someone will find it and they'll get it to you.

01:16:52.000 Yeah, but that was years ago.

01:16:53.000 But the point is, yeah, it's always fun to make the call.

01:16:56.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:16:56.000 The calls are good.

01:16:57.000 I've called Bill about subjects before because he's a guy who's seen a lot of guys.

01:17:02.000 And there's like a few guys that I feel like are, you know, I've known Bill for fucking forever, as long at least as I've known you.

01:17:11.000 And, you know, he's at the top of the food chain now. 0.61

01:17:14.000 Well, you know him on the East Coast, too, right?

01:17:16.000 I was leaving Boston right when he was starting.

01:17:20.000 I was gone.

01:17:21.000 Like, right when he was starting.

01:17:22.000 Then Patrice O'Neal and him, and there was a couple other guys that were in that little group.

01:17:28.000 I got second wave.

01:17:31.000 I got B wave.

01:17:33.000 A wave was like Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney, Lenny Clark, Kevin Knox, Mike Donovan, a few other guys in that group. 0.98

01:17:44.000 There was like so many fucking elite comedians.

01:17:47.000 And then I came in right when comedy was realizing that a lot of people had these formulaic acts. 0.99

01:17:54.000 They were almost like carpenters.

01:17:56.000 They figured out how to hit a nail with a hammer and they just did an act.

01:18:00.000 Yeah, you can do comedy if you're a scientist that goes, oh, if I say this and this is incongruous, that makes...

01:18:07.000 Yes, yes. 1.00

01:18:08.000 Someone told me I could get pussy for a dollar in this town, and that was the mayor. 1.00

01:18:12.000 Oh, the mayor wouldn't say that, so it's funny. 0.99

01:18:15.000 I was reading this, listening to this audiobook, that I've read this book four or five times.

01:18:21.000 It's The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.

01:18:23.000 And I haven't picked it up in forever.

01:18:26.000 I used to have a stack of them at my studio and I'd give them out to guests.

01:18:29.000 And I was reading it, listening to it on an audiobook in the sauna today.

01:18:34.000 And one of the things that he said, he said he was talking about how some people will say things because they think that other people want to hear that.

01:18:44.000 They'll say whatever is popular.

01:18:47.000 That they think other people will think is funny rather than they think it's funny.

01:18:51.000 He was talking about how this is a trap and that what you've got to do is say, just talk about it from your perspective and that'll resonate with other people and that's the only way you can do it.

01:19:01.000 When I started comedy, I was writing things that I thought people would laugh at.

01:19:06.000 100%, me too.

01:19:07.000 I got to a point, and that was probably a change in my career, where the stuff I would laugh at hysterically with me and my friend back in the fucking apartment, I'd go, but you could never do that on stage. 0.66

01:19:21.000 Well, if I'm laughing this hard, yeah, you should do that on stage. 0.72

01:19:25.000 That's how I got into comedy.

01:19:27.000 I got into comedy from one of my best friends in life.

01:19:30.000 His name is Steve Graham.

01:19:32.000 And I'm going to see him this weekend in Phoenix.

01:19:34.000 He's a guy that I was friends with when I was 15. And I would make him laugh.

01:19:39.000 And he was like, you should be a comedian.

01:19:40.000 And I said, no, no, no.

01:19:41.000 I go, you think I'm funny. 1.00

01:19:42.000 But other people are gonna think I'm an asshole. 1.00

01:19:44.000 You just like me, so I can say crazy shit to you. 1.00

01:19:47.000 And he's like, no, no, no, you really should be a comedian. 1.00

01:19:50.000 And I was like, oh man, there's no way.

01:19:51.000 But that is what comedy is.

01:19:54.000 What comedy is, is like finding, like if you pay to, like anybody before Pryor, imagine Pryor's material delivered by anybody before Pryor.

01:20:03.000 And you'd be like, how?

01:20:05.000 How could you do this?

01:20:06.000 How are you doing this?

01:20:07.000 How are you making this enormous leap of comedy?

01:20:10.000 What's happening here?

01:20:11.000 How are you able to bring people together and they feel warm and friendly at the same time they're laughing hysterically?

01:20:20.000 How are you doing that?

01:20:21.000 I think it was once I was making enough money to live that I go, well, yeah, I can do that now.

01:20:31.000 I say there's three stages of comedy, but there might be four.

01:20:34.000 But the three stages that I recognized when I started thinking about this in terms of a structure, stage one, they're tools.

01:20:42.000 Whatever I have to do.

01:20:43.000 Whatever I have to do to get laughs.

01:20:44.000 I just want to get laughs.

01:20:45.000 I just want to make them laugh.

01:20:46.000 I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing.

01:20:48.000 Stage two, things that I think are funny.

01:20:51.000 What makes me laugh?

01:20:52.000 I would like to see this guy live.

01:20:56.000 When I was an amateur comedian and aspiring, I was thinking about being a comedian, I saw a bunch of people live.

01:21:03.000 And I remember thinking how amazing it was to go see Kevin Meany live at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge with my friend Diane DeRosa.

01:21:11.000 Her and I were sitting there watching this guy and we were crying.

01:21:15.000 And I wasn't old enough to do comedy yet.

01:21:17.000 I was like 20. You know, I was like thinking about doing comedy, I think.

01:21:21.000 And when you go back and you think about those days, and you think about what that feeling was like when you just wanted to see comedy.

01:21:29.000 Like, that's what you want.

01:21:31.000 You want to keep that.

01:21:32.000 Have you kept that?

01:21:34.000 We just had this conversation with someone.

01:21:37.000 How much...

01:21:39.000 Comedy, doing comedy, ruined comedy for you on so many levels.

01:21:44.000 Like, you're a fan of comedy before you start doing it yourself.

01:21:48.000 But when you get into it, then you learn, oh, that's a hacked premise.

01:21:53.000 It kind of ruins the illusion.

01:21:56.000 But not necessarily.

01:21:57.000 But then you see Dave Attell, and you appreciate him even more.

01:22:00.000 Exactly.

01:22:01.000 Even more, right?

01:22:01.000 One of my all-time favorites.

01:22:04.000 I hate to do superlatives, but who's your favorite comic of all time?

01:22:07.000 I always say Attell.

01:22:08.000 I have a list of them.

01:22:10.000 I love them all.

01:22:12.000 And you're on that list.

01:22:14.000 There's no one person.

01:22:16.000 But when you do an interview, they need the worst heckler you've ever had. 1.00

01:22:18.000 Those interviews can suck my dick. 1.00

01:22:20.000 How about that? 1.00

01:22:21.000 They don't know what the fuck they're doing. 0.98

01:22:22.000 Listen, I'm too old to have the best or worst. 0.99

01:22:25.000 You do that when you're 12. Exactly.

01:22:27.000 When you've only seen 10 movies, you know your favorite movie.

01:22:30.000 What's your favorite color?

01:22:33.000 Yeah, so there's three stages.

01:22:34.000 Well, there's still only like seven, so I can go with orange every time.

01:22:37.000 Are you colorblind?

01:22:38.000 So there's seven stages of comedy.

01:22:40.000 There's like, do whatever it works, do things you think are funny, and then ideas that you turn into funny.

01:22:48.000 Like, for me, one of the big ones was, I was trying to figure out how they built the pyramids. 0.99

01:22:52.000 And I'm like, maybe the dumb people just outfucked the smart people. 1.00

01:22:55.000 Nobody was fucking the smart people. 1.00

01:22:57.000 One of my... 0.98

01:22:58.000 Storytelling, like, for an 11-minute bit, I think it is.

01:23:02.000 It's a long-ass bit.

01:23:03.000 Still one of the best.

01:23:05.000 That and Ron White's, you know, Drunk in Public.

01:23:08.000 Yes.

01:23:09.000 I would like to go back.

01:23:10.000 I also wish I could do that one again.

01:23:12.000 I do, too, because...

01:23:13.000 You know?

01:23:14.000 And I see this with a lot of comics that you've known over the years.

01:23:17.000 When that was getting towards the best of that bit, by the time you recorded it, I remember three pieces that were left out that were just little tiny things that the general public, like, oh, he didn't say that thing.

01:23:33.000 It's kind of like Sean Rouse's tsunami bit.

01:23:36.000 You know Sean Rouse's tsunami?

01:23:37.000 I never heard that bit.

01:23:38.000 Is it available?

01:23:39.000 You can find it on YouTube.

01:23:42.000 With a big scab on his face on stage because the night before he had taken a header.

01:23:47.000 He had done that so many times where he'd go on stage with a giant scab on his forehead or chin from when he had just fallen down blackout drunk the night before that he had regular bits to do about scabs.

01:24:01.000 He had a fallback.

01:24:05.000 He had I fell and hit my head bits.

01:24:07.000 Yeah, like long ones.

01:24:09.000 But he had this bit about the tsunami, which is still one of my... 0.96

01:24:13.000 That's in the top three favorite fucking storytelling bits about the Japanese tsunami. 0.98

01:24:19.000 Or the other one. 0.99

01:24:20.000 The Bangkok one.

01:24:22.000 Well, there was both.

01:24:23.000 There was two.

01:24:24.000 His bit was the Bangkok one.

01:24:26.000 He might have died before...

01:24:28.000 No, he didn't die before the Japanese one. 0.94

01:24:30.000 When did he die?

01:24:31.000 No, he died right on time.

01:24:32.000 He died a little late.

01:24:34.000 You know, he was a guy where I was like, man, there's people who have rheumatoid arthritis, like he had, that change a lot of things about their lifestyle and their diet, and they can mitigate some of the symptoms. 0.99

01:24:46.000 But when I first met him, he was so fucked up. 0.87

01:24:50.000 I remember thinking I don't even know if I should like tell him about this stuff because he first of all the guy like to drink every night Yeah as a part of who he was and because of the arthritis he was on so many meds yeah that already depleted his fucking liver just to keep him alive that he could have Two, 0.99

01:25:08.000 three gin and tonics and go from normal to I'm biting people.

01:25:13.000 That was his thing. 0.88

01:25:14.000 He would bite people.

01:25:16.000 Well, he probably...

01:25:17.000 That's the only thing that worked well.

01:25:18.000 Tom Giannis, who was the head writer on The Man Show, right after it ended... 0.93

01:25:23.000 No, I'm playing one of the buttfuck places like Fresno or Bakersfield, one of the Grapes of Wrath down circuit. 0.99

01:25:31.000 And so, Shawnee, Tom Giannis rides his motorcycle up to watch the gig, and we're in some podunk saloon after the show, and Sean Rouse is fucking out of control, and he bites a lady. 1.00

01:25:47.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:25:49.000 I'm sorry for laughing at that because I don't want that lady to get bit. 1.00

01:25:53.000 But just the fact that...

01:25:54.000 And the bouncer comes over and he tells...

01:25:57.000 I'm sitting in a different section.

01:25:58.000 We don't see it.

01:25:59.000 I'm sitting in a different part of the bar with Tom Giannis. 0.99

01:26:02.000 And the bouncer, this giant fucking bouncer comes over. 0.99

01:26:06.000 Listen, you guys get to go. 1.00

01:26:08.000 Your friend just bit a lady. 1.00

01:26:10.000 And Tom Giannis said something snarky and smart fucky. 0.99

01:26:14.000 And the bouncer looks at him and he's sitting in a booth. 0.98

01:26:19.000 He's a big guy.

01:26:21.000 He's a biker guy, but like soft big. 0.99

01:26:23.000 He's not the kind of guy that you would go, oh, I wouldn't fuck with this guy. 0.99

01:26:27.000 He's dressed kind of biker-y and slouching. 0.99

01:26:31.000 Whatever he said snarky, the bouncer said...

01:26:34.000 We can do this the hard way, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way.

01:26:39.000 And Giannis, with his cherubic face, went, smiling, alright, choices be, let's do the hard way.

01:26:49.000 He said that?

01:26:50.000 Yeah.

01:26:50.000 Oh my God.

01:26:51.000 And then he smiled as he made the bouncer fucking manhandle him out of the bar. 0.99

01:26:56.000 Really? 0.99

01:26:56.000 Along with Rouse. 0.99

01:26:57.000 And I was happy to go. 0.99

01:26:58.000 I was shit-faced. 0.99

01:26:59.000 I had just done a show. 1.00

01:27:00.000 I was ready for bed.

01:27:01.000 I didn't want to hang out and see the bright lights.

01:27:04.000 He really said the hard way?

01:27:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:27:06.000 And he looked it over like he's on the fucking Price is Right, guessing the fucking price of an auction. 0.99

01:27:13.000 And he goes, we can do the hard way. 0.99

01:27:16.000 I think he's trying to oppress us.

01:27:18.000 I don't think there's a moment in my life where I would have said the hard way.

01:27:22.000 I don't think a single moment.

01:27:24.000 Well, you've probably never been thrown out of a bar because you're probably well behaved.

01:27:28.000 I'm well behaved.

01:27:29.000 Have you talked to Giannis?

01:27:31.000 No, no, I haven't seen him in forever.

01:27:32.000 The last time I remember seeing Giannis.

01:27:35.000 Do you remember our gaff on the first taping of The Man Show where We were outside.

01:27:44.000 I was smoking, so you're hanging out and tolerating me outside.

01:27:48.000 Tolerating you?

01:27:49.000 What are you saying?

01:27:49.000 I love you.

01:27:50.000 What the fuck are you saying? 1.00

01:27:51.000 Not my cigarettes. 1.00

01:27:51.000 You had to come talk to me because I'm always outside smoking. 1.00

01:27:54.000 I wanted to talk to you.

01:27:55.000 Why do you have to qualify it?

01:27:57.000 I like hanging out with you, Doug.

01:27:58.000 I was so adamant that we- Jamie, you feel me on this? 0.99

01:28:01.000 This is bullshit, right? 0.96

01:28:03.000 Oh, you meant- I mean, anyone who has to always follow me outside because I always have to smoke. 1.00

01:28:10.000 Point being, we're talking shit about... 0.99

01:28:13.000 I remember throwing a temper tantrum in the man show about this shouldn't be the opening fucking thing that you're putting out. 0.99

01:28:22.000 We're filming our first opening thing, and we go outside, and we're like, the Jesus gun? 0.98

01:28:27.000 It doesn't even make sense! 0.94

01:28:30.000 Because they had shit-canned all of our ideas that were kind of hard. 0.97

01:28:34.000 They were a little on the rough. 0.98

01:28:35.000 The ones that we laughed at.

01:28:36.000 And now we're doing the ones that we hope they laugh at.

01:28:40.000 And we're talking about how shitty this one bit is, and blaming the writers, which...

01:28:48.000 That's what you do. 0.67

01:28:49.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:28:50.000 And we didn't realize we were fucking miked. 1.00

01:28:53.000 And Tom Giannis was on his headset listening to every word about Fuck the Writer's Room. 0.99

01:29:00.000 And he came out sheepishly. 0.99

01:29:02.000 You know, I could hear everything you said.

01:29:06.000 And...

01:29:07.000 Jesus gun, you know, because it's incongruous, so that's...

01:29:12.000 He tried to explain, but our relationship was always suspect after that.

01:29:18.000 He accepted our apology, but it probably hurt him.

01:29:22.000 He's a good guy.

01:29:23.000 He's a good guy.

01:29:24.000 He didn't get along with Joey, though.

01:29:25.000 There was a thing with him and Joey.

01:29:27.000 But cut to, last time I saw him, you had come to my show at some rock and roll bar in Hollywood.

01:29:33.000 You know, I realized then I never wanted to do a stand-up show.

01:29:36.000 Yeah, no, that's... 0.99

01:29:37.000 The whole audience had to stand up like, my fucking knees hurt. 0.96

01:29:39.000 I know, and we've stopped doing that. 0.98

01:29:42.000 Yeah.

01:29:43.000 But we all got together to go to...

01:29:45.000 Jim Norton.

01:29:46.000 Sorry.

01:29:47.000 Oh, we all went to...

01:29:49.000 What's the deli on Fairfax?

01:29:51.000 Cantor's or something?

01:29:52.000 Yeah, Cantor's.

01:29:53.000 Yeah, we all...

01:29:54.000 There was a bunch of us, five or six of us, and we all...

01:29:58.000 But Tom Giannis had kind of lagged behind, and then we all got to Cantor's and went...

01:30:05.000 Did anyone tell Tom we're going? 0.85

01:30:08.000 I think we're all going fucking breakfast after the show, dinner, late night food, and no one noticed Tom had run off to piss. 0.95

01:30:16.000 I'm like, still to this day, I feel like he thinks we ditched him on purpose. 0.98

01:30:22.000 One of the things I really respect about that dude, Tom Giannis rode a fucking motorcycle in the rain. 0.98

01:30:27.000 I just did fucking Adam Carolla's podcast. 0.99

01:30:33.000 Again, I always think... 0.99

01:30:34.000 Why are you talking while I'm smoking a cigarette?

01:30:35.000 People are going to know.

01:30:40.000 Which was the first time.

01:30:42.000 The only time I'd ever met him was right after our version of the man show gratefully died.

01:30:48.000 How dare you?

01:30:49.000 I was doing Stern and he was coming off as the previous guest as I was going in and I just looked at him.

01:30:56.000 I go, hey, sorry for ruining your show.

01:30:59.000 And he goes...

01:31:00.000 I don't care about that.

01:31:02.000 That's more of Jimmy's thing than my thing.

01:31:05.000 Jimmy had a thing because he felt like he was wronged economically.

01:31:09.000 And I don't know what's right or what's wrong, so I will not comment.

01:31:12.000 But I love Jimmy.

01:31:13.000 And as much as Jimmy has been, you know, maligned and...

01:31:17.000 I'll tell you what, when I met that guy in real life, Jimmy Kimmel's a sweetheart.

01:31:21.000 I love that guy.

01:31:22.000 Yeah, I can't imagine he's anything but...

01:31:24.000 I can't imagine. 0.99

01:31:24.000 I don't give a fuck what words have ever come out of his mouth. 0.99

01:31:27.000 I like that man's essence. 0.99

01:31:29.000 And when I'm around Jimmy Kimmel, I realize he's a nice guy.

01:31:32.000 He's a really nice guy.

01:31:33.000 Never met him.

01:31:35.000 He's a great guy.

01:31:36.000 And so is Adam.

01:31:36.000 A month ago, I did Adams.

01:31:38.000 I finally got to...

01:31:40.000 Meet Adam.

01:31:41.000 That's the first time? 0.98

01:31:42.000 Yeah, it was the first time, and it was fucking great. 0.98

01:31:45.000 A month ago? 0.93

01:31:45.000 Yeah, when I was doing the Comedy Store. 0.93

01:31:47.000 I did a bunch of...

01:31:48.000 Fitzsimmons?

01:31:50.000 Fitzsimmons!

01:31:50.000 I did his podcast.

01:31:51.000 I fucking love Fitzsimmons. 0.96

01:31:53.000 I love him to death. 0.99

01:31:54.000 Fitzsimmons and I started out a week apart from each other.

01:31:56.000 I just filmed a movie where...

01:31:59.000 I'm starring in it, so you're not going to be seeing it in theaters, but...

01:32:05.000 I thought, I'm playing, guess what, a washed-up, 55-year-old alcoholic, road comedian, chain-smoking, who's dying of liver failure.

01:32:17.000 Who'd have guessed they thought of me first?

01:32:19.000 So there's a guy that's playing a comic friend that I haven't seen in 17 years.

01:32:24.000 And Michael Bean, I told you last time, he's now my neighbor and buddy.

01:32:30.000 He's the guy from Terminator.

01:32:31.000 He goes, just let me read the script.

01:32:34.000 I'll see if it's good.

01:32:36.000 And then he read it, and he goes, I submitted myself for this part of your old comic friend, like, triple gig, road comic friend from 17 years ago.

01:32:45.000 That stinks, but he's still doing it.

01:32:47.000 And I'm like, well, this is cool.

01:32:48.000 And they're like, Michael Biehn really wants to do this?

01:32:51.000 Michael Biehn at the last minute got cold feet.

01:32:54.000 You don't have a script supervisor?

01:32:56.000 I've never in 40 years gone to a film.

01:32:59.000 I'm like, yes.

01:32:59.000 Who's Michael Biehn?

01:33:00.000 Show me a picture of this guy.

01:33:01.000 I think I know who he is, but I might be incorrect.

01:33:04.000 Yeah, he was Terminator, The Abyss, The Rock.

01:33:06.000 Like head-on.

01:33:07.000 Yeah, aliens.

01:33:09.000 Oh, he's been in everything. 0.99

01:33:10.000 Yeah, he's been in the fucking everything. 0.96

01:33:11.000 He's your friend? 0.99

01:33:12.000 Yeah, he moved to Bisbee.

01:33:13.000 Michael, come on my podcast.

01:33:15.000 Oh, he would.

01:33:16.000 I've had him on my podcast.

01:33:18.000 Please come on mine. 0.98

01:33:19.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.99

01:33:21.000 I'm sure he is. 0.95

01:33:21.000 If he lives in Bisbee, and he used to be in He also lives sometimes in LA, and I'm like, I would have you as a co-host for my podcast. 0.95

01:33:29.000 He's that funny, but he can't remember any references, so when you talk to him, we play trivia.

01:33:37.000 And he was in the movie, the guy with the dog, the slobbery dog, the guy from...

01:33:45.000 No, no.

01:33:46.000 He guessed Cujo, the Tom Hanks one.

01:33:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:33:51.000 Whatever.

01:33:51.000 What was the Tom Hanks one?

01:33:52.000 The dog?

01:33:53.000 Clifford.

01:33:54.000 Turner and Hooch.

01:33:55.000 The point is, you guessed like that.

01:33:58.000 You guessed Cujo, I guessed Turner and Hooch.

01:34:00.000 Yeah, Turner and Hooch.

01:34:01.000 And who's the guy that's in QAnon and he eats baby's blood? 0.93

01:34:05.000 Tom Hanks.

01:34:07.000 Listen.

01:34:09.000 So you're always playing trivia with him, and he's so hilarious to hang out with.

01:34:14.000 Tom makes...

01:34:15.000 Tom.

01:34:15.000 I go, hey, Michael P., when did you quit drinking?

01:34:18.000 He goes, I think it was somewhere between the stroke and the heart attack. 0.99

01:34:23.000 He's fucking... 0.99

01:34:25.000 And I like him so much. 0.99

01:34:29.000 I don't remember my point in this.

01:34:30.000 There's a lot of people like that that are misrepresented.

01:34:32.000 How did this get...

01:34:33.000 Is he in your movie?

01:34:34.000 He wanted to be in...

01:34:34.000 Oh, so he was going to play this part in the movie.

01:34:37.000 He got cold feet.

01:34:37.000 And then, yeah, so at that point, I just...

01:34:40.000 Bobcat is just...

01:34:41.000 We're filming outside of Chicago.

01:34:43.000 Bobcat Goldthwait?

01:34:44.000 Yeah, Bobcat.

01:34:45.000 I love Bobcat.

01:34:47.000 Because...

01:34:47.000 Sorry, Michael, I know you're listening.

01:34:50.000 But, yeah, it got to a place... 1.00

01:34:52.000 This was such a fucked production as every independent movie is with fucking... 0.99

01:34:57.000 We didn't get the permit we were supposed to get, so now we're going to try to pick up a shot over here. 1.00

01:35:02.000 And he got... 0.98

01:35:04.000 So, Bobcat had just gotten a hold of me, and I'm like, Bobcat can play this fucking part easily. 0.97

01:35:09.000 Bobcat, I sent him, hey, this probably pays as little as legally as allowable. 0.73

01:35:18.000 But it's two days of shooting, and he wrote back, if I had a nickel for every time I had to replace Michael Biehn in a motion picture, I'd love to do it.

01:35:29.000 I'm like, that easy. 0.83

01:35:30.000 30 minutes later, fucking recast with someone with a name. 0.97

01:35:34.000 Not only that, but Bobcat is a legend. 0.99

01:35:37.000 Yes!

01:35:38.000 I love Bobcat Goldway.

01:35:40.000 Windy City Heat is one of the best movies ever.

01:35:43.000 I never watched it because I feel bad about that dude.

01:35:44.000 That dude was always at the Comedy Store.

01:35:46.000 I'm like, he needs medication.

01:35:47.000 But Bobcat has the best Bigfoot movie of all time.

01:35:50.000 Oh, I haven't seen that one.

01:35:52.000 It's called Willow Creek.

01:35:52.000 It's a legit, non-funny horror movie.

01:35:55.000 And it's fucking fantastic. 0.99

01:35:57.000 The one he did about everything we fantasize about is killing every reality star douchebag. 1.00

01:36:03.000 That was great. 1.00

01:36:04.000 American something.

01:36:05.000 What was that?

01:36:06.000 He'll find it. 1.00

01:36:07.000 Bobcat is the shit, but I'm telling you. 1.00

01:36:09.000 One of the best people. 1.00

01:36:10.000 Willow Creek.

01:36:11.000 Willow Creek is the best Bigfoot movie that's ever been made.

01:36:15.000 You think about a legend that everybody knows about.

01:36:17.000 There's a giant hairy ape that lives in the woods in the Pacific Northwest and someone got it on film in 1969. Bobcat Goldwaite made the best version of that ever.

01:36:27.000 You don't even see the thing.

01:36:29.000 I don't want to say that.

01:36:29.000 I should have said that.

01:36:30.000 Spoiler alert. 0.99

01:36:31.000 It's fucking great. 0.98

01:36:32.000 It doesn't matter. 0.99

01:36:33.000 I will watch it.

01:36:34.000 It's like Blair Witch Project style.

01:36:37.000 Like where it's people that are going there and they're like joking around, documenting.

01:36:43.000 God bless America.

01:36:44.000 That's it.

01:36:45.000 Who's the other dude?

01:36:46.000 I don't know who they were, but...

01:36:49.000 They were awesome.

01:36:49.000 Who are those people?

01:36:50.000 Who are those actors?

01:36:51.000 Because they were amazing.

01:36:53.000 They were, but I don't think they have names.

01:36:55.000 They're human beings.

01:36:57.000 They're someone's baby.

01:37:00.000 Who are the people?

01:37:01.000 Joel Murray.

01:37:05.000 Tara Lynn Barr. 1.00

01:37:06.000 Both of you guys fucking killed it. 1.00

01:37:08.000 That was a great movie. 1.00

01:37:10.000 Bobcat jumps on the fucking roll. 0.99

01:37:13.000 How about Chase the Clown? 1.00

01:37:15.000 Wait, Bobcat takes the roll.

01:37:17.000 I've solved everything. 0.97

01:37:18.000 I'm the fucking hero for calling Bobcat and getting him to agree after everyone's panicked that how are we going to recast this when we're shooting in four days? 0.98

01:37:27.000 Bobcat gets COVID, has to duck out. 0.99

01:37:30.000 Oh, no.

01:37:31.000 So then, no, we're running through a list of names, and I said, Greg Fitzsimmons.

01:37:38.000 And this guy who was scheduled to be a bit actor, a waiter, that says, everything okay, here's your check.

01:37:45.000 That's all he had to say.

01:37:46.000 But he's a comedy fan that flew out from L.A. He goes, I just DM'd Fitzsimmons on Twitter.

01:37:53.000 He says he's available.

01:37:55.000 Ha! 1.00

01:37:55.000 Well, you kind of jumped your fucking... 1.00

01:37:58.000 In our strategy session, you overheard, but it worked out beautifully. 0.99

01:38:02.000 And he plays a comedian friend that I haven't seen in 17 years.

01:38:07.000 Perfect.

01:38:07.000 Where I haven't seen him.

01:38:09.000 I go, I did the math.

01:38:10.000 Yeah, Man Show is 2004, so you're literally playing yourself.

01:38:15.000 My ex-girlfriend that I go back to find from 25 years ago, do you remember Christine Hodge?

01:38:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:21.000 You told me, yeah.

01:38:23.000 You told me this whole story.

01:38:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:25.000 It's awesome.

01:38:25.000 She plays your love interest.

01:38:27.000 Yeah, it was like everyone was playing themselves. 1.00

01:38:30.000 It was fucking great. 0.99

01:38:31.000 It's perfect. 0.99

01:38:32.000 When does this come out?

01:38:34.000 Posthumously.

01:38:36.000 I'm telling you, if you want to get scared, Willow Creek. 1.00

01:38:39.000 It's a shit. 1.00

01:38:40.000 It's a really good movie. 1.00

01:38:42.000 And I love Bobcat, but Bobcat is... 0.88

01:38:44.000 Shakes the clown. 0.76

01:38:45.000 The opening scene.

01:38:47.000 One at a time.

01:38:48.000 Bobcat is all in on Willow Creek.

01:38:51.000 He's all in on Bigfoot.

01:38:52.000 He really believes Bigfoot's real.

01:38:54.000 Oh! 0.60

01:38:54.000 Oh, I didn't know that. 0.60

01:38:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:56.000 Bobcat is an atheist until it comes to Bigfoot.

01:39:03.000 And you're not mocking him.

01:39:05.000 I love him. 0.99

01:39:06.000 Both you and I have believed some really dumb shit that it took us 20 years to fucking go up. 0.99

01:39:11.000 I'm not sure I let any of it go. 0.99

01:39:13.000 But I believe in Bigfoot.

01:39:15.000 I believe Bobcat, unfortunately, he believes in the Patterson footage. 0.99

01:39:20.000 And the Patterson footage as like real, there's like, you can connect the dots and see that it's bullshit. 0.94

01:39:26.000 I thought that's the legendary one that Hedberg made the joke about. 0.93

01:39:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:39:32.000 Bigfoot's blurry.

01:39:33.000 Maybe Bigfoot is blurry, which is way more scary.

01:39:36.000 There's an out-of-focus monster out there.

01:39:39.000 By the way, Hedberg on David Letterman said, there's a friend of mine that is a big fan.

01:39:47.000 I'm paraphrasing.

01:39:48.000 I played tennis with my good friend Doug?

01:39:50.000 Yeah.

01:39:50.000 That was his first one.

01:39:52.000 No, no, no.

01:39:52.000 Not Doug.

01:39:52.000 Brian Hersey.

01:39:54.000 He mentioned Brian Hersey randomly on Letterman.

01:39:58.000 All of his bits.

01:40:00.000 Dufresne, Party 2. That was an actual person.

01:40:03.000 Yeah, I loved him, man.

01:40:05.000 You remember when we were on the set of Man Show and you told me that he was dying because he had gangrene?

01:40:12.000 No, we were filming some kind of lead-in thing.

01:40:17.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. 0.90

01:40:17.000 And we were riffing and I said something about amputee porn. 0.90

01:40:21.000 No, no, no, no. 0.92

01:40:22.000 You pulled me aside.

01:40:23.000 You just got a phone call.

01:40:25.000 Yeah, but we had just said something about amputee porn or amputee something in a take that we go, they'll never use that take.

01:40:34.000 We were riffing.

01:40:35.000 And then right after that, I got a call from Don King.

01:40:38.000 Rest in peace.

01:40:39.000 Don King was the king of Austin titty bars.

01:40:41.000 He was like- He died?

01:40:43.000 Yeah, I was supposed to come out right after I did your show last time.

01:40:47.000 They had a memorial for him a week later.

01:40:49.000 I'm like, I just did that drive.

01:40:53.000 No, I got one over here.

01:40:55.000 You're double fisting me.

01:40:56.000 Neat, get in there. 1.00

01:40:59.000 How many people would give a right leg, speaking of amputees, to get double fisted by Joe Rogan?

01:41:08.000 Daddy's not driving.

01:41:10.000 Well, do you drive anymore?

01:41:12.000 Well, not tonight. 0.99

01:41:13.000 Are you like fucking Johnny Depp where you always have a driver? 0.99

01:41:16.000 Occasionally. 1.00

01:41:16.000 I have drivers occasionally. 1.00

01:41:17.000 Johnny has all sorts of muscle cars like you, or at least one.

01:41:21.000 And I go, when's the last time you actually drove a car?

01:41:24.000 Well, there was one time.

01:41:27.000 When?

01:41:28.000 I don't really remember, but yeah.

01:41:30.000 I drove here.

01:41:31.000 I know.

01:41:32.000 I maintain being sober a good percentage of the time. 1.00

01:41:35.000 We have a fucking show tonight. 0.99

01:41:37.000 Yeah, we're going to have a good time. 1.00

01:41:38.000 And fucking Roseanne's coming. 1.00

01:41:40.000 Yeah, don't tell anybody. 0.99

01:41:41.000 Well, it'll be after the fact.

01:41:43.000 I'll tell you.

01:41:43.000 One of the beautiful things about this show is Doug Stanhope.

01:41:46.000 We don't even advertise.

01:41:47.000 No advertising.

01:41:48.000 I know.

01:41:49.000 It's all word of mouth.

01:41:50.000 I know.

01:41:50.000 You know who we don't advertise to?

01:41:52.000 Me.

01:41:53.000 I told you.

01:41:54.000 You told me.

01:41:55.000 You don't remember.

01:41:55.000 No, I have the text feed.

01:41:57.000 I go, am I being crazy?

01:41:58.000 Well, last time, I'm coming out here, and I'm like, all right, just tell me. 0.99

01:42:03.000 I'll show you the fucking text message. 0.97

01:42:06.000 I go, okay, I'll be there Sunday night and leave Wednesday. 0.99

01:42:09.000 Just tell me the details of where and when to be.

01:42:14.000 This is what's wrong.

01:42:16.000 That's so cool.

01:42:17.000 Fantastic.

01:42:18.000 I can't wait to see you.

01:42:19.000 With none of the details.

01:42:21.000 I don't know if I'm doing the podcast or the show.

01:42:23.000 We're fine.

01:42:24.000 We're fine.

01:42:24.000 We're here.

01:42:25.000 I know.

01:42:25.000 We're here and we worked it out.

01:42:27.000 I know.

01:42:28.000 Carrie Mitchell had to text me. 0.96

01:42:29.000 She said, this man needs a... 0.99

01:42:31.000 Oh yeah, the picture she took.

01:42:33.000 Yeah, she said, he needs a where and when.

01:42:36.000 Like, I don't know how much time I'm doing.

01:42:38.000 I don't know if I should promote the gig.

01:42:40.000 It matters nothing.

01:42:41.000 I know it doesn't matter now.

01:42:43.000 It means nothing.

01:42:43.000 The best thing is to get into the state we could just be Doug Stanhope.

01:42:46.000 And I go, Doug Stanhope, you're on.

01:42:48.000 And just push you onto the stage. 0.99

01:42:50.000 And to get me into that state, I have to know what time I should not be shit-faced like I was last night. 0.99

01:42:56.000 No, no, no. 0.99

01:42:57.000 This is the way.

01:42:57.000 Don't take 50 milligrams.

01:42:59.000 Cheers.

01:42:59.000 Come on.

01:42:59.000 Take 175. Don't take 50 milligrams and then have Joe Rogan go, Show starts now!

01:43:05.000 Let's do mushrooms.

01:43:06.000 Let's do mushrooms.

01:43:07.000 Oh, I'm scared of them.

01:43:09.000 I'm scared of them.

01:43:10.000 Me too.

01:43:10.000 That's the point.

01:43:10.000 Come on, Douglas.

01:43:11.000 How long has it been?

01:43:12.000 Yesterday.

01:43:13.000 I did do micro-dosed.

01:43:15.000 For me?

01:43:15.000 I'm doing them all the time.

01:43:17.000 All right.

01:43:21.000 Small amounts.

01:43:23.000 Exactly.

01:43:24.000 I don't want to even say her name, but yeah, Carmen Morales.

01:43:27.000 What?

01:43:28.000 Yeah, she came out.

01:43:29.000 What's her name?

01:43:30.000 Don't say her name.

01:43:31.000 She's a comic. 0.99

01:43:32.000 Don't.

01:43:32.000 Listen to me.

01:43:33.000 If you don't want to say her name, don't say her name.

01:43:36.000 Let's call her...

01:43:38.000 She would want her name to be said.

01:43:40.000 No, no.

01:43:41.000 She wasn't dealing drugs.

01:43:42.000 She's giving you drugs. 1.00

01:43:43.000 Yeah.

01:43:44.000 Don't.

01:43:44.000 You've given me drugs.

01:43:46.000 Shh! 1.00

01:43:48.000 Don't tell these fucking people. 1.00

01:43:50.000 Can you black out the Joe Rogan experience and just say the experience? 1.00

01:43:54.000 Doug Stanhope, the first time he and I did DMT, I was worried I lost him.

01:44:01.000 I was really genuinely worried you were gone.

01:44:04.000 Oh my goodness.

01:44:05.000 Oh my goodness.

01:44:06.000 You had gone to this snoring thing where I was like, do I lift him up so that he doesn't swallow his fucking tongue? 1.00

01:44:13.000 I was like, oh my god, if I kill Doug, if the man show dies, because I give Doug DMT. It was dying, by the way. 0.99

01:44:20.000 We knew we were writing the last monologues ever. 0.91

01:44:24.000 And that's what fucked me up.

01:44:26.000 We've told this story every time, I'm sure, on your podcast. 1.00

01:44:30.000 But we were at your house writing, we know this is the last of the monologues, and they're fucking just pap, dredged, fucking awful. 0.99

01:44:40.000 What's up, guy? 0.98

01:44:41.000 It wasn't that bad. 0.96

01:44:42.000 By the end, when we know it's fucking over and we're beaten. 0.88

01:44:46.000 Yeah, well, there was some... 0.97

01:44:48.000 Last time you want to smoke DMT... My first time, like, alright, this sucks, and we're just getting through this, and then you want to smoke DMT, and then I go fucking into alternate realities, and then I come out of it 10 minutes later saying, 0.96

01:45:05.000 I remember, I came out of it just saying, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, because I've just learned the fucking... 0.97

01:45:12.000 You know what else you said? 0.99

01:45:13.000 You said, you've already seen this.

01:45:16.000 You said that to me.

01:45:17.000 Oh, you've already seen this.

01:45:19.000 You've already seen this. 0.99

01:45:20.000 I swear the picture of fucking Bill Hicks on your wall winked at me, and when I said that to you... 0.99

01:45:25.000 The one with him lighting the American flag with a cigarette. 0.99

01:45:30.000 Lighting the cigarette with the American flag. 0.98

01:45:32.000 But I came out of it, and I looked, and I swear Bill Hicks fucking winked at me. 1.00

01:45:36.000 When I said that to you, you went, uh, fucking... 0.99

01:45:38.000 Looked at me like cliché. 1.00

01:45:41.000 But I swear that happened.

01:45:43.000 I'm not even that big a Bill Hicks fan.

01:45:45.000 You were just insecure because you had experienced death and you came back.

01:45:50.000 When I would go outside to smoke cigarettes from the writer's room on the lot after that, for a week, I couldn't make direct eye contact with the giant dumpster-sized electrical generator because I thought I could make it blow up with my mind.

01:46:05.000 The wiring in my head was so...

01:46:09.000 I've never done it since.

01:46:11.000 People try to drop that off at the merch booth.

01:46:14.000 I go, never again.

01:46:15.000 We should do it tonight. 1.00

01:46:16.000 Fuck no. 1.00

01:46:17.000 Yeah, come on, man. 1.00

01:46:19.000 You're okay.

01:46:20.000 When I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes, yeah, that would be.

01:46:22.000 You're better now because of that day.

01:46:25.000 I don't know.

01:46:26.000 Yeah, you are.

01:46:27.000 You know why?

01:46:27.000 Because you know that that's possible.

01:46:29.000 You didn't know that that was possible.

01:46:31.000 But it's hard to break up. 0.99

01:46:33.000 Okay, I'm gonna write a bit about this that now I know is dog shit and means nothing. 0.99

01:46:42.000 Because I've been through that experience. 0.99

01:46:45.000 Where you go, this is all so fucking... 0.99

01:46:47.000 Life is so silly, but you still have to make a living by... 0.99

01:46:50.000 But Doug, just express that. 0.64

01:46:52.000 You don't have...

01:46:53.000 I've been doing that.

01:46:54.000 I know you have, but don't worry about that. 1.00

01:46:56.000 It doesn't have to be dog shit and silly. 1.00

01:46:59.000 It's you. 1.00

01:46:59.000 You don't think about that. 1.00

01:47:01.000 Think about you. 1.00

01:47:02.000 Think about if you were like some 24-year-old guy working in a fucking newspaper distributor office. 1.00

01:47:09.000 You had a bullshit job and you're allowed to listen to podcasts and you listen to you talk about your experience. 1.00

01:47:15.000 Don't worry about like your own fucking weirdness in handling it. 1.00

01:47:20.000 Worry about what it is. 1.00

01:47:22.000 What it is is like you died and came back.

01:47:25.000 Like, you really felt like you died and came back.

01:47:28.000 When you came back...

01:47:29.000 I didn't feel like I died.

01:47:30.000 I felt like I knew...

01:47:32.000 You said to me...

01:47:34.000 Hearsay, Your Honor.

01:47:35.000 This is what you said.

01:47:36.000 You said, life eats life.

01:47:38.000 You said, life just eats life.

01:47:39.000 Life eats life.

01:47:40.000 Life eats life.

01:47:41.000 Wow.

01:47:42.000 This is what you said.

01:47:42.000 When you were coming out, you were like, life just eats life.

01:47:45.000 Life just eats life.

01:47:46.000 It just keeps going.

01:47:47.000 It keeps going.

01:47:48.000 Life eats life.

01:47:49.000 Life eats life.

01:47:49.000 I'm just trying to hang on.

01:47:51.000 Life eats life.

01:47:52.000 It's like, you've already been there.

01:47:53.000 You've already been here.

01:47:55.000 You've already been here.

01:47:57.000 Ultimate knowledge.

01:47:58.000 And you're like, you took me to this place.

01:47:59.000 You've already been there.

01:48:00.000 I'll never forget that.

01:48:01.000 Because I thought you were going to die. 0.99

01:48:02.000 And I was like, God damn it. 1.00

01:48:04.000 Nobody's ever died from this shit. 1.00

01:48:05.000 I'm like, if Doug's the first guy to die, I'm like, maybe I overestimated the RPMs that his fucking engine handle and redlined. 1.00

01:48:13.000 But you got through it. 0.98

01:48:15.000 And that was the thing you kept saying.

01:48:16.000 Life eats life.

01:48:17.000 Life eats life.

01:48:18.000 Life is life. 0.97

01:48:19.000 But the dichotomy of having to go from that supernatural experience in 10 minutes and then go back to, oh wait, now we really have to try at finishing up these dumb monologues.

01:48:35.000 Yeah, but that's okay too.

01:48:37.000 That's okay too, because that's a unique challenge.

01:48:39.000 That's like some weird thing we're doing.

01:48:41.000 Like, what are we doing?

01:48:42.000 You know, the only reason I ever did that show is because of you, 100%.

01:48:45.000 Like, they brought it up to me.

01:48:47.000 We've got to get some more.

01:48:48.000 Lighter.

01:48:49.000 Oh, sorry.

01:48:49.000 Oh, here.

01:48:51.000 Or this one.

01:48:51.000 I must have it.

01:48:54.000 They said to me, like, you know, we, Adam and Jimmy, are not going to do the man show, and we would like you to host it.

01:49:02.000 You know, who would you like?

01:49:03.000 And they brought to me a bunch of people that I don't want to name.

01:49:06.000 And then they...

01:49:08.000 Well, I'll tell you who I had to co-audition with.

01:49:10.000 You couldn't do the man show until NBC gave you the out.

01:49:14.000 So you were always on hold, on waivers. 0.98

01:49:18.000 By the way, shout out to NBC for letting me fucking do that. 0.96

01:49:21.000 I don't know why they even let me do that. 0.98

01:49:24.000 I don't know why they let me do that, but the only way I would do it was with you.

01:49:28.000 In the meantime, though, they had 10 comics that you had to audition with separately.

01:49:35.000 Okay, you guys, now we're going to pair you and you up, and you write a monologue and then have one sketch prepared, and you do it in front of a fake audience of, like, 19 homeless people that we could lure in here for $5.

01:49:51.000 So Dane Cook was one.

01:49:53.000 I love my history with Dane Cook.

01:49:57.000 Never a fan of his comedy, but I'm not a fan of most comedy.

01:50:01.000 But we did fine.

01:50:03.000 We coexisted.

01:50:05.000 Patrice.

01:50:06.000 I got hooked up with Patrice.

01:50:08.000 And as we're going back to the room to try to write a monologue and a sketch, he just looked at me not pleasantly and said, I don't work well with other people.

01:50:18.000 LAUGHTER And I'm like, this is going to be tough.

01:50:22.000 Oh, no.

01:50:24.000 No.

01:50:25.000 Did you know Patrice before that?

01:50:27.000 I had seen him or met him at just peripherally the Chicago Comedy Festival.

01:50:33.000 So no, I didn't know.

01:50:34.000 Oh, that's what he does.

01:50:37.000 Yeah, he's joking around.

01:50:38.000 Yeah.

01:50:38.000 No, he wasn't.

01:50:39.000 But he was.

01:50:40.000 He was and he wasn't.

01:50:41.000 Most comics don't work with other comics. 0.99

01:50:44.000 We do our own shit. 0.96

01:50:45.000 And if you have to work around another comic, it usually sucks unless you have some Jeff Ross, David Tell chemistry. 1.00

01:50:52.000 Right, right, right.

01:50:54.000 Where you can ride the ride, but Ralph Garman was the other one.

01:50:58.000 I love Ralph too.

01:50:59.000 When you had just gotten approved, if you hadn't gotten the okay from NBC, it was going to be either me and Dane Cook or me and Ralph Garman.

01:51:11.000 And then you get the thing, you go, no, Stanhope or no one.

01:51:15.000 Yeah, because they were like, they gave me like a whole list of people.

01:51:20.000 I go, git, git, git.

01:51:21.000 I go, Stanhope.

01:51:23.000 That's it.

01:51:23.000 There's Stanhope or no one.

01:51:25.000 And they're like, are you serious?

01:51:26.000 I go, yeah, I don't want to do this unless it's Stanhope.

01:51:29.000 If you bring me Stanhope, I go, we got a project.

01:51:32.000 And then they called you, and you said yes.

01:51:35.000 And then they called me, and they said Stan Hope said yes.

01:51:38.000 And I'm like, okay, we're on. 1.00

01:51:39.000 And they were lying to us through their fucking teeth. 0.99

01:51:41.000 They're like, you can do nudity, we'll blur it out, you can swear. 1.00

01:51:45.000 They go, we want to get sued.

01:51:46.000 That's what they said to me in the meeting.

01:51:48.000 You weren't there.

01:51:49.000 They said, we want to get sued.

01:51:50.000 If we get sued, it'd be great.

01:51:51.000 I go, Stan Hope, we're going to get sued.

01:51:54.000 I go, he's the animal.

01:51:55.000 I go, this is perfect, because I have so much obligations already with Fear Factor that I knew that Stan Hope would be able to take care of it.

01:52:01.000 I'm trying to dig a layer deeper because we always talk Man Show stories and probably we always tell the same ones.

01:52:08.000 The thing about what we did on the Man Show is if you could do that, both of us don't want to do that now, but if you could do that where no one would tell you what to do, where no one would tell you what's funny,

01:52:24.000 what's not funny, just let you do it.

01:52:26.000 Just leave the funny to the funny people. 0.99

01:52:28.000 But the problem is, if I was running a fucking network, and I was running Comedy Central or NBC or anything, HBO Max, and a bunch of wild fucks like you and me were just gonna go crazy and say a bunch of nutty shit that's gonna get us sued and get us in trouble, 0.99

01:52:45.000 I wouldn't do that either. 0.99

01:52:46.000 No.

01:52:47.000 No. 1.00

01:52:48.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:52:49.000 I understand. 1.00

01:52:49.000 I understand, too. 1.00

01:52:51.000 Yeah, they had a...

01:52:52.000 You know what?

01:52:53.000 I could make TGI Fridays better Yeah.

01:52:58.000 Yeah, but it wouldn't be TGI Fridays and no one would show up.

01:53:02.000 Exactly.

01:53:03.000 Someone just asked me, hey, we should write a movie together.

01:53:06.000 I can write the format and you come up with the ideas.

01:53:10.000 I go, no one would want to see a movie that I would want to write.

01:53:13.000 I get that.

01:53:14.000 That's not true.

01:53:16.000 You have this weird embracing of humility.

01:53:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:53:21.000 That I think is admirable, but also it's like, you're saying this to the shitheads. 0.99

01:53:29.000 Self-sabotaging. 0.99

01:53:31.000 Yeah.

01:53:32.000 But generally, what I laugh at is things that other people don't laugh at.

01:53:38.000 The few songs I like, because I'm not a music guy- You hate music.

01:53:42.000 Yes, I do.

01:53:45.000 How is that possible? 0.96

01:53:46.000 Well, because I'm not going to burn a bit, because I just came from Key West, where every fucking bar you go past has a single-act guitar guy going, it's a marvelous night for a moon dance. 0.98

01:53:59.000 And I'm like, finally, this is giving legs to that thought, and now that's these fucking notes on my hand. 0.95

01:54:06.000 I'm writing that bit. 0.93

01:54:07.000 What are you writing on your hand?

01:54:09.000 More bits, because Austin is also a music town.

01:54:12.000 You write notes in your hand?

01:54:14.000 Yeah.

01:54:14.000 What, are you cheating on a test?

01:54:16.000 I lose pieces of paper.

01:54:17.000 If I wake up and I lost my hand, I'm not going to worry about how good the joke was.

01:54:23.000 You have a phone?

01:54:24.000 Do you write on your phone? 1.00

01:54:25.000 No, I fucking... 1.00

01:54:26.000 I'm going to die, and as I go through that same DMT experience, I'm going to realize all the shit I could have done on a smartphone, where I just quit at texting. 1.00

01:54:40.000 I just showed your fucking doctor. 1.00

01:54:43.000 Dr. Mercy. 1.00

01:54:44.000 I just showed her how to do Wordle. 0.99

01:54:47.000 And she's gonna be addicted.

01:54:49.000 She goes, does this come in an app?

01:54:51.000 And I go, probably.

01:54:52.000 But I can Google on my...

01:54:54.000 I don't do apps.

01:54:55.000 I don't do anything.

01:54:56.000 But you text.

01:54:57.000 You use maps?

01:54:59.000 Do you use maps?

01:55:00.000 Do you use navigation?

01:55:01.000 Well, when I do Uber, I have Uber on my phone.

01:55:04.000 What about like Waze?

01:55:06.000 Do you drive?

01:55:07.000 No, Chaley drives.

01:55:12.000 When you get to be my age, you're going to know.

01:55:14.000 Aren't we the same age?

01:55:16.000 Are you February or August?

01:55:18.000 August.

01:55:19.000 So, no, you're not like me.

01:55:21.000 I'm now a senior citizen.

01:55:23.000 How old are you?

01:55:24.000 55?

01:55:24.000 55, and that means I get 10% off at Goodwill on Sundays and Mondays, and I can order off the senior menu at IHOP. And one day in August, you're going to appreciate these perks in life.

01:55:37.000 Damn, I get some perks in just a few months? 0.97

01:55:40.000 How weird is that that when we were kids, 55 was dead? 1.00

01:55:43.000 You were a dead man.

01:55:44.000 That was the legal age of retirement, I think, back then.

01:55:47.000 It was over.

01:55:47.000 No, it was 65, right?

01:55:49.000 No, it kept growing with us.

01:55:51.000 I think it was 62. There's a legal age?

01:55:54.000 I don't know.

01:55:55.000 I don't know if it's legal age.

01:55:57.000 It's legal at IHOP, and IHOP is the only rules I recognize.

01:56:02.000 This is a nation of law and order, but IHOP is an international...

01:56:11.000 What does it say?

01:56:12.000 The rule of 55, IRS provision that allows workers who leave their job for any reason to start taking penalty-free distributions from their current employer's retirement plan once they've reached 55. You might as well be explaining cryptocurrency to me.

01:56:31.000 I can't read those big words.

01:56:32.000 It's an NFT. Yeah, you know me.

01:56:36.000 Ah!

01:56:37.000 It's one of those things where it's like, who's 55?

01:56:42.000 It's also security stuff.

01:56:45.000 This says you have to be 66 in four months.

01:56:48.000 I'm glad you didn't Google that and have Sammy Hagar come up.

01:56:52.000 I can't drive.

01:56:54.000 55!

01:56:55.000 But now I can.

01:56:57.000 Now that I'm old, I drive like an old person. 1.00

01:57:00.000 I get behind the slowest moving fucking semi-truck. 0.99

01:57:03.000 You just chill. 0.99

01:57:05.000 On the one part of freeway I have to be on driving from my house to the airport and I'm like, I like going slow.

01:57:12.000 Yeah.

01:57:13.000 I'm scared.

01:57:15.000 When you were younger, you wanted to get there quicker.

01:57:18.000 But sometimes I still want to get there quicker.

01:57:21.000 What would George Washington think, being stuck behind a semi-truck, going 10 under?

01:57:26.000 Imagine if George Washington could be in a Tesla.

01:57:29.000 Realize how fast you could drive.

01:57:31.000 I got into this fascination that is unexplorable about those fourth world countries that still exist.

01:57:44.000 Tourists can't go there.

01:57:46.000 They still live Stone Age lives.

01:57:48.000 These are tribes that have never heard of Trump or Kardashians, much less George Washington was ahead of their time.

01:57:56.000 Right.

01:57:57.000 Papua New Guinea, I think.

01:57:58.000 Yeah.

01:57:58.000 There's a few.

01:57:59.000 And in the deep Amazon.

01:58:01.000 Yeah.

01:58:01.000 And I'm so fascinated.

01:58:04.000 I've tried to write bits, but they're not funny.

01:58:06.000 I got a bit.

01:58:07.000 You'll see it tonight.

01:58:08.000 About that?

01:58:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:10.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:58:10.000 You always beat me. 1.00

01:58:11.000 How dare you?

01:58:15.000 I read things about those folks.

01:58:17.000 Yeah, but there's not much to read.

01:58:19.000 Yeah, there's plenty.

01:58:20.000 I'll send you some stuff.

01:58:22.000 All right.

01:58:22.000 Well, it's too late.

01:58:23.000 You already got the bit, asshole. 1.00

01:58:25.000 I'll show you tonight. 1.00

01:58:28.000 The Senegalese, I think is one of them.

01:58:30.000 Yeah, there's that.

01:58:30.000 You know, the Papua New Guinea people are really interesting because there's a group called the Seaman Warriors of Papua New Guinea, and it's like a ritualistic...

01:58:40.000 He said seaman.

01:58:41.000 No, it's a ritualistic child molestation organization that they've developed on this island. 0.90

01:58:46.000 It's crazy.

01:58:48.000 So, pull that up. 0.77

01:58:49.000 Seaman warriors of Papua New Guinea.

01:58:53.000 Are these the ones that killed the Christian?

01:58:56.000 No, that's the North Sentinel Island.

01:58:58.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:58:59.000 The Sambia tribe in Papua New Guinea have tradition that has fascinated and confused many.

01:59:07.000 They are the tribe that drinks seaman to turn boys into men, and we bring you everything you need to know about them. 0.99

01:59:14.000 Click on that. 0.96

01:59:18.000 There's a tribe that has somehow or another ritualized sexual abuse of young boys. 0.91

01:59:24.000 And they call the father... 0.99

01:59:27.000 The Catholic Church!

01:59:30.000 Zing! 1.00

01:59:31.000 No, it's even crazier.

01:59:32.000 I'm just talking to all the hacks that are listening going, why didn't they go to the Catholic Church joke? 0.99

01:59:37.000 In the first stages, a sharp stick of cane is inserted deeply into the young boy's nostrils until he bleeds profusely.

01:59:45.000 Young boys are also introduced to older warriors who are told that bachelors are going to copulate with them to make them grow.

01:59:55.000 Through most of the six stages, much rather, throughout much of the six stages, I'm so hammered right now, I'm just thinking that's a lot to type into a YouPorn search engine while you're reading.

02:00:08.000 It's a lot.

02:00:08.000 I don't think you have videos.

02:00:09.000 The act of having the stick of cane inserted into the nostrils and then the performance of, in quotes, fellatio. 0.96

02:00:41.000 Well, also, First of all, homosexual in quotes, that's not... 0.99

02:00:51.000 This is pedophilia. 0.93

02:00:52.000 It's different.

02:00:53.000 I know, but there's a point where they go, cane in the nostril, that can cause diabetes.

02:00:59.000 And diabetes affects 66% of the... 1.00

02:01:02.000 I think they were sticking sticks up dudes' noses to keep them uncomfortable so they would suck a dick. 1.00

02:01:09.000 Additionally, the act of performing fellatio and the act of ingesting semen is seen as an integral part of manhood because boys are unable to mature into men unless they ingest semen and they adhere to the notion that all men have, 1.00

02:01:25.000 in quotes, eaten the penis. 0.99

02:01:27.000 What's the website? 1.00

02:01:30.000 Pulse.org?

02:01:31.000 It actually says that NG, so it's like...

02:01:34.000 That's kind of like Jesus here.

02:01:36.000 Eat this thing, for it is my body? 1.00

02:01:39.000 It's my dick! 1.00

02:01:41.000 Burn! 1.00

02:01:41.000 Here's the thing. 1.00

02:01:42.000 When you talk about Catholic priests, right? 0.96

02:01:45.000 The weird thing about when grown men sexually molest boys is that those boys, at an alarming rate, sexually molest other boys. 0.98

02:01:56.000 Oh my god. 0.99

02:01:57.000 This is twice you've led me into something where I go, this is one of my favorite jokes, but I'm not burning my fucking act. 0.99

02:02:03.000 You'll hear it tonight. 0.99

02:02:05.000 I'll hear it.

02:02:05.000 I'll hear it tonight.

02:02:07.000 But you know what I'm saying?

02:02:08.000 It's like, that's a crazy, it's like a vampire thing.

02:02:10.000 It's like, imagine you can bite a person, that person becomes a vampire. 0.93

02:02:14.000 If you molest a person who's young, that person becomes a molester. 0.94

02:02:21.000 It's almost like that.

02:02:22.000 And this whole island is like...

02:02:24.000 It's one of my favorite bits.

02:02:25.000 It's a vampire island.

02:02:27.000 Vampire island.

02:02:30.000 Actually, it's the same bit you've almost led me into twice.

02:02:34.000 And one was from an hour ago.

02:02:36.000 Oh, look at this. 1.00

02:02:37.000 Imagine it sticks up your nose and then you suck your cock. 1.00

02:02:39.000 Yeah, fucking Dr. Mercy just did this to me outside just to be in here. 1.00

02:02:42.000 They did the same thing. 1.00

02:02:43.000 Now do I have to suck your cock? 1.00

02:02:45.000 Because I've already had the cane up my nose. 1.00

02:02:47.000 You suck Jamie's cock and I live stream it. 1.00

02:02:51.000 This Jamie or Jamie Kennedy? 1.00

02:02:53.000 This one.

02:02:54.000 The funny one. 1.00

02:02:54.000 We can't sell a fucking sex tape with this Jamie. 1.00

02:02:58.000 Jamie Kennedy and Doug Stanhope, D-listers at best, but sucking each other's cause, they're going right up to a B. Jamie Kennedy, no jokes aside, had a great documentary about hecklers. 1.00

02:03:10.000 Yeah, I remember that.

02:03:11.000 Were you in it?

02:03:13.000 It was good.

02:03:14.000 They never invite Rudolph to those reindeer games.

02:03:18.000 Jamie Kennedy is a fun follow on Instagram, too.

02:03:21.000 It was a great documentary until he got into the part where he's accosting reviewers.

02:03:28.000 Who didn't like Malibu's Most Wanted.

02:03:31.000 That's like Kevin James going, you know what?

02:03:35.000 Say it to my face that Paul Blart Mall Cop was bad.

02:03:39.000 Say it to my face.

02:03:40.000 It was bad.

02:03:41.000 Paul Blart's a good, if you have five-year-olds.

02:03:43.000 It's a good movie.

02:03:44.000 I don't.

02:03:45.000 It's a funny movie.

02:03:47.000 It's like physical.

02:03:48.000 It's one of those...

02:03:49.000 I watched it.

02:03:50.000 I didn't hate it.

02:03:51.000 But Malibu's Most Wanted.

02:03:54.000 I'll tell you what.

02:03:55.000 Jamie Kennedy Experience.

02:03:56.000 Remember that?

02:03:59.000 I love hidden cameras so much.

02:04:01.000 So good.

02:04:02.000 He's the best ever. 0.83

02:04:03.000 The Impractical Jokers, I watched, now they're at 10 seasons, and I record, that's my only thing that I watch, DVR'd, that makes me laugh through a fucking Sunday marathon hangover.

02:04:16.000 I know I've seen this 18 times.

02:04:18.000 I watch every episode. 0.99

02:04:20.000 I laugh every fucking time. 1.00

02:04:22.000 Some people might think it's soft and you suck because those guys are genuine. 1.00

02:04:27.000 Shitty hidden camera because I'm a fucking love hidden camera. 0.99

02:04:32.000 Remember Dom Jolly? 0.98

02:04:35.000 What was Dom Jolly's...

02:04:37.000 What is this, Jamie?

02:04:38.000 The Jamie Kennedy experiment.

02:04:40.000 Let me tell you something.

02:04:41.000 Jamie Kennedy had the best hidden camera show the world's ever known.

02:04:46.000 Let me tell you right now.

02:04:47.000 I'll put it up against... 0.99

02:04:49.000 I don't know what the fuck happened on a candid camera. 0.98

02:04:52.000 I was too young. 0.99

02:04:53.000 I loved it.

02:04:54.000 I'm sure it was great.

02:04:56.000 Jamie Kennedy.

02:04:57.000 Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

02:04:58.000 It's the best show ever.

02:05:00.000 In terms of hidden camera shows.

02:05:02.000 It's not as bad as what's Ashton Kutcher punked.

02:05:07.000 It's better.

02:05:08.000 Did you see Guys Gone Nuts?

02:05:10.000 Oh.

02:05:11.000 It was Girls Gone Wild, but with guys. 1.00

02:05:13.000 They had guys gone nuts, and they'd talk to these guys and do gay shit. 1.00

02:05:17.000 Wait, we did that. 1.00

02:05:18.000 No, no, no.

02:05:19.000 We did the hidden camera with the heavy metal band on The Man Show.

02:05:22.000 No, Jamie Kennedy. 1.00

02:05:23.000 There was a time the fucking producers had to come to the writer's room, and they had to draw straws up at the production company to tell us, who's going to tell them you have to stop doing so much gay shit? 1.00

02:05:34.000 You can't keep telling the audience they're gay. 1.00

02:05:37.000 Well... 0.98

02:05:39.000 Guys Gone Nuts.

02:05:40.000 Jamie Kennedy had this thing where it was Girls Gone Wild was in its peak of stardom and these guys were gonna get famous and they were like whoa we got picked I can't believe this and Jamie Kennedy is like the host of Guys Gone Nuts and he starts explaining to these guys that they're gonna have to do gay stuff. 0.68

02:06:01.000 And they all agree.

02:06:02.000 Slowly.

02:06:03.000 We did that America's Next Triple X star and a guy...

02:06:07.000 Give me some volume.

02:06:09.000 Yeah, we did.

02:06:15.000 Now they're nervous.

02:06:19.000 They're on stage.

02:06:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:06:23.000 It's a gay tape, dog. 1.00

02:06:25.000 It's a gay tape, he says. 0.99

02:06:26.000 After watching that tape, I don't think it's guys going nuts. 0.99

02:06:29.000 I think it's guys going bananas!

02:06:38.000 Coming up... 0.97

02:06:39.000 The reason I brought you guys up here is because I'm looking for a few gay ambassadors.

02:06:45.000 It all depends on what I have to do.

02:06:47.000 Thank you very much.

02:06:48.000 He's here.

02:06:48.000 We've got a gay ambassador.

02:06:51.000 Every day at around 3 o'clock, my best friend Michael...

02:06:56.000 Of course it's in Austin.

02:06:59.000 Keep going, sorry.

02:07:02.000 Back it up, back it up.

02:07:04.000 What'd he say?

02:07:05.000 My wife.

02:07:07.000 What'd he say?

02:07:09.000 But back it up so we get on here.

02:07:11.000 3 o'clock, my best friend Michael...

02:07:15.000 my wife.

02:07:25.000 Jamie Kennedy.

02:07:27.000 I watched the new Jackass.

02:07:29.000 How was it?

02:07:30.000 Have you seen it?

02:07:31.000 No, I haven't. 1.00

02:07:31.000 It's fucking... 1.00

02:07:32.000 They're all great. 1.00

02:07:33.000 I heard it's amazing.

02:07:33.000 They're all great.

02:07:34.000 It was great.

02:07:35.000 And I'm like, I don't think I would do one out of ten of these.

02:07:40.000 Well, you're 55. You're ready for retirement.

02:07:43.000 But when I watched both Borat and Bruno, I'm like, I wouldn't do...

02:07:49.000 And I was going to put that out as a Twitter poll.

02:07:51.000 What are you least likely to decline doing this bit?

02:07:56.000 Like, Impractical Jokers, I would do 80% of those.

02:08:00.000 They're embarrassing and awkward.

02:08:02.000 But there's not going to be a broken bone or...

02:08:07.000 So yeah, that's my Twitter poll from this podcast. 0.98

02:08:11.000 Would you rather do any episode of Bruno or fucking Jackass? 0.98

02:08:17.000 What about you? 0.99

02:08:18.000 Doug Stanhope has spoken.

02:08:19.000 Give me that on a lighter.

02:08:21.000 Toss that over.

02:08:21.000 Thank you.

02:08:22.000 What is this? 0.99

02:08:23.000 Jackass forever? 0.99

02:08:24.000 Not a spoiler for you, because you have to see it. 0.99

02:08:25.000 Would you be more embarrassed doing something awkward or physical? 0.99

02:08:29.000 Like, would you rather get your nuts stapled to a fucking park bench or... 1.00

02:08:34.000 Good question. 1.00

02:08:36.000 I hosted Fear Factor.

02:08:37.000 I can't be embarrassed anymore.

02:08:38.000 Well, you didn't do the things.

02:08:40.000 You get to gloat.

02:08:43.000 There's a difference.

02:08:45.000 What is happening here?

02:08:46.000 They lock them together with the tarantula, and wherever the tarantula goes to has to get then bitten by it.

02:08:52.000 But the funny part is here is who else is locked in this with him?

02:08:55.000 The other guy is a hardcore lifer, prisoner kind of guy that has been let out, and he's been in prison, but he hates spiders.

02:09:05.000 So watching him deal with that is...

02:09:07.000 What's the other guy?

02:09:09.000 It's Aaron from Jack.

02:09:12.000 That guy?

02:09:12.000 Yeah.

02:09:12.000 Is that the prisoner?

02:09:13.000 No, no, no.

02:09:14.000 You'll know the prisoner.

02:09:15.000 I brought this up to bring up this part.

02:09:17.000 They locked him in a room with a bear.

02:09:19.000 He didn't know the bear was going to be there.

02:09:21.000 It was doing a lie detector test. 0.99

02:09:23.000 They strapped him to a chair and then dump honey and salmon and Johnny Knoxville leaves the room and then a bear shows up and just get the shit out of him. 1.00

02:09:30.000 What the fuck, man? 0.99

02:09:33.000 I mean, it's funny. 1.00

02:09:35.000 Yeah, it's funny.

02:09:37.000 If you do it five times, four will be funny.

02:09:41.000 It's the way he commits to it and doesn't cry. 0.99

02:09:47.000 Johnny Knoxville is permanently fucking catheterized from doing this for a living. 0.98

02:09:53.000 Yeah, this is what he put himself through on that. 0.99

02:09:55.000 What happened with Johnny Knoxville?

02:09:57.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:09:58.000 Yeah, he broke his dick a long time ago. 1.00

02:10:00.000 Oh my god, look at him in the air. 1.00

02:10:03.000 That's insane.

02:10:06.000 PETA demands animal scenes be removed. 0.99

02:10:10.000 Yeah, I don't know the scene that happened where he got his dick broke, he said. 1.00

02:10:15.000 I demand you stop showing these scenes of animals kicking the fuck out of idiots. 1.00

02:10:20.000 That's one of your old bits. 1.00

02:10:22.000 Which one?

02:10:23.000 When animals attack and you root for the animals.

02:10:26.000 Yeah.

02:10:29.000 You shouldn't be there.

02:10:30.000 It's one thing if you're in the wrong place, you're in a plane crash, you get eaten by wolves.

02:10:36.000 I get it. 1.00

02:10:39.000 You got honey on your dick and you're on a fucking movie. 1.00

02:10:42.000 Yeah, that shit. 1.00

02:10:45.000 I wish I could... 1.00

02:10:48.000 Look at him.

02:10:49.000 You have to see it happen.

02:10:51.000 Look at his face.

02:10:55.000 Sasha Baron Cohen would do the most uncomfortable things. 1.00

02:11:00.000 So would you rather be physically abused or be in a place where everything inside of your guts is like, this is so fucking crazy. 0.97

02:11:09.000 I think Sasha Baron Cohen is obviously funnier, but that is like... 0.98

02:11:15.000 You can't lose.

02:11:17.000 No one should do this thing.

02:11:19.000 Which one? 0.99

02:11:20.000 Punching the balls? 0.99

02:11:21.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:11:21.000 You probably know this guy. 0.99

02:11:22.000 What? 0.99

02:11:22.000 It's not just punching the balls. 0.99

02:11:24.000 Francis Ngannou punching somebody in the balls on Jackass? 0.99

02:11:26.000 Cup test to see if the cup would break. 0.98

02:11:28.000 Oh, my God.

02:11:29.000 That's such a bad idea.

02:11:31.000 That's so unsmart.

02:11:32.000 They didn't tell him that was who he was going to get punched by either.

02:11:35.000 Oh, my God.

02:11:36.000 They said it was going to be a lightweight, and then Ngannou walks around the corner.

02:11:38.000 That's so crazy.

02:11:41.000 That guy punches so hard. 1.00

02:11:42.000 On your balls. 1.00

02:11:43.000 You might lose a ball. 0.99

02:11:45.000 A lot of guys lost balls. 0.95

02:11:48.000 That's the thing about Jackass, right? 0.97

02:11:49.000 Is that it's really happening.

02:11:51.000 It's like those guys are really getting hurt.

02:11:53.000 Remember when Steve-O was in a tree and the lions were up in a tree with him?

02:11:57.000 I'm like, you don't have any idea what those lions are going to do.

02:12:00.000 I know. 0.99

02:12:01.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

02:12:01.000 He has a hat on. 0.99

02:12:02.000 He's like a straw hat.

02:12:03.000 He covers his head. 0.99

02:12:04.000 It falls into the category where people say public speaking is the number one fear Well, did you measure that versus I might have my balls eaten by a lion? 0.98

02:12:17.000 Right, right. 0.98

02:12:17.000 Look at this. 0.98

02:12:18.000 The lions are coming up the fucking thing and they're holding on and they're biting his hat. 1.00

02:12:25.000 Do you know how fucking insane that is? 1.00

02:12:28.000 They just decided they didn't want to eat him. 0.99

02:12:31.000 It was just a random maybe yes, maybe no.

02:12:35.000 I don't want to eat Steve-O. There was no way.

02:12:39.000 Like you're talking about, everyone has different parameters of what terrifies them, and public speaking, no.

02:12:47.000 I'm not afraid of it because I'm pretty good at it, and even when I suck at it, I don't care.

02:12:52.000 You're literally a professional.

02:12:56.000 Well, you're a professional.

02:12:57.000 I remember the first time I got paid for comedy, I got $10 and I called my brother.

02:13:03.000 I go, technically I'm a professional now because I got paid $10.

02:13:08.000 He goes, does that mean you get to take off the protective headgear and the oversized gloves?

02:13:16.000 My brother's pretty funny.

02:13:17.000 How rude.

02:13:18.000 He was diminishing your accomplishments.

02:13:20.000 That's why I haven't talked to him since 2016. I have no family left.

02:13:25.000 Well, at least it's not like Dane's brother.

02:13:27.000 He stole all his money.

02:13:28.000 He just borrowed. 1.00

02:13:30.000 He just hid it in his walls in case shit went sideways. 0.99

02:13:33.000 No, no. 1.00

02:13:34.000 He would, like, overspend his fucking... 0.99

02:13:36.000 No, he had, like, he stored it. 1.00

02:13:39.000 No, he...

02:13:40.000 My brother was...

02:13:41.000 Oh, you're talking about them.

02:13:43.000 Yeah, my brother. 0.99

02:13:44.000 Yeah, he would just live outside of his means, which I've always lived on the cheap, which is why my shit's paid for. 0.99

02:13:51.000 Right. 0.98

02:13:52.000 And I don't...

02:13:53.000 But, like, one time he would sneak drinking because his wife didn't want him drinking, and he drank in the basement and called me up.

02:14:01.000 And one time he got blackout drunk, and we've all done this in my group, but...

02:14:08.000 As you woke up and you pissed on something you thought was a toilet.

02:14:11.000 And he goes, I pissed on my wife's $2,000 laptop that she uses for work. 0.99

02:14:17.000 I hate to ask you.

02:14:19.000 I have a few people in my life.

02:14:20.000 I hate to ask you, but...

02:14:23.000 That always...

02:14:25.000 You've hated to ask me over and over for 10 years.

02:14:29.000 He says, I hate to ask you, but...

02:14:31.000 Can you help me?

02:14:32.000 I gotta replace this or it's gonna destroy my relationship.

02:14:35.000 I'm like, I... Don't have a $2,000 laptop myself.

02:14:41.000 Why would I pay for your wife's? 1.00

02:14:43.000 Because you get drunk and pissed all over it thinking it was a toilet.

02:14:48.000 I live within my means. 1.00

02:14:50.000 I have a $600 laptop, so fuck you. 1.00

02:14:54.000 Could you fucking imagine thinking a laptop is a toilet? 1.00

02:14:57.000 Like, was there a toilet on the screen? 1.00

02:15:00.000 How fucked up are you? 1.00

02:15:03.000 It could be anything. 1.00

02:15:04.000 It could be a coffee mug, garbage can, laptop.

02:15:09.000 Sean Rouse was...

02:15:11.000 Bar?

02:15:12.000 Sean Rouse woke up.

02:15:15.000 He had passed out before all of us were partying in a hotel room in San Diego Ocean Beach.

02:15:20.000 And Sean Rouse had thankfully fallen down because he was almost biting people.

02:15:25.000 And then he woke up...

02:15:26.000 To piss.

02:15:28.000 And we had ordered pizza.

02:15:29.000 Sean Rouse goes directly with his eyes closed to the wrong side of the room and starts to piss on the air conditioning unit.

02:15:37.000 And Chaley, the best tour manager ever, gets up and grabs the empty pizza box and puts it in front of his stream of piss as he tries to walk him towards the toilet.

02:15:52.000 Oh my god.

02:15:54.000 And And those were just normal stories from the day.

02:15:59.000 Yeah, that's not like, you remember one time in 84?

02:16:03.000 No.

02:16:04.000 No, normal.

02:16:07.000 Normal.

02:16:08.000 It's honest, I think it's been since our End of the World Part 2. People don't remember that was Part 2, was the Trump election.

02:16:16.000 Original End of the World was at the Wiltern, and that was in 2012. That was the Mayan calendar one. 0.99

02:16:21.000 Yes, that was the Mayan calendar one.

02:16:22.000 December 21st, 2012, it was...

02:16:26.000 Diaz.

02:16:27.000 You.

02:16:28.000 Me.

02:16:29.000 Burr was hanging out.

02:16:30.000 Burr was hanging out.

02:16:31.000 Burr came to just watch in Honey Honey.

02:16:33.000 I didn't even know Burr was there until he was in the green room.

02:16:36.000 Well, he was trying to... 0.97

02:16:38.000 The same way I didn't go over and talk to fucking Chappelle when he's at a coffee shop across the street... 0.99

02:16:43.000 You don't need to talk to me. 0.97

02:16:45.000 But Burr was my friend already, but he just came because he thought it was cool.

02:16:48.000 That's what a good guy Burr is.

02:16:50.000 Yeah, he's like that, I don't want to bother people.

02:16:52.000 No, he said to me, he goes, I think it's fucking awesome you guys sold this show out.

02:16:55.000 And that was in 2012. It was a big deal. 0.55

02:16:57.000 It was like, he loved it because he loves Joey, and he loves me, and he loves you.

02:17:02.000 And it was like, for him, it was like a big moment that we sold out to Wiltern for this wild show.

02:17:07.000 Because that was at a time where most people were just doing theaters, or clubs, rather.

02:17:13.000 Yeah.

02:17:13.000 And to do a theater in LA, like a big one, like the Wiltern, on a specific date was kind of a fun big deal.

02:17:23.000 Cut to 2016, where Bingo's in a coma. 0.99

02:17:27.000 I'm fucking... 0.99

02:17:27.000 I just ruined that show. 0.99

02:17:29.000 But you guys were very nice to me.

02:17:31.000 No, you didn't.

02:17:31.000 You did not.

02:17:32.000 Point being, ever since then, and I just, the book I wrote was about that, everything in one bookended year was fucked. 0.99

02:17:41.000 From, Bingo and I went on the Impractical Jokers cruise, and I got drunk and fucked a stripper that she walked in on. 0.99

02:17:49.000 Whoops. 0.90

02:17:50.000 And then everything, and that's when Amber Heard sued me in the spring.

02:17:55.000 Right, yeah.

02:17:55.000 Like, everything.

02:17:56.000 And it ends with my wife going into a coma that she might not live through, and I said, fuck it, I'm still going to do that end of the world thing. 0.99

02:18:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:06.000 And fucking Marilyn Manson showed. 1.00

02:18:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:18:09.000 And Hannigan was just bringing randos on stage.

02:18:13.000 Yeah, because I couldn't control this.

02:18:14.000 Hannigan was like the manager of it, so all of a sudden there was a new person on stage. 0.99

02:18:18.000 And he was probably fucked up, too. 0.99

02:18:19.000 Yeah, for sure. 1.00

02:18:21.000 Point is, it was brilliant.

02:18:23.000 Now I forget why I started this story.

02:18:26.000 End of the world.

02:18:28.000 Yeah, that podcast was probably the last time I stopped having stories. 0.99

02:18:35.000 Like, my fucked up stories. 0.98

02:18:37.000 We stopped having big parties. 1.00

02:18:40.000 Bingo can't have overstimulation after a traumatic brain injury, which was just like COVID was such a beautiful excuse to get out of shit. 0.99

02:18:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:18:51.000 I can't, COVID. Yeah.

02:18:53.000 Yeah, I'm using COVID as an excuse.

02:18:56.000 Yeah, bingo's brain injury. 0.99

02:18:58.000 We don't need to have fucking giant parties there anymore. 0.99

02:19:02.000 Well... 0.99

02:19:03.000 It was a beautiful way to get old.

02:19:05.000 Giant parties are great if they're great. 0.99

02:19:09.000 I went to fucking Dave Chappelle's after party. 0.99

02:19:12.000 Where? 0.99

02:19:14.000 The night after I saw him hanging out.

02:19:16.000 I was putting my set together for the Netflix comedy.

02:19:20.000 Do you guys know each other?

02:19:22.000 He came to my...

02:19:23.000 Christine Hodge, that head of the class girl that I just talked about that starred in the movie.

02:19:29.000 She was my girlfriend when I turned 30. And she threw me a surprise party at Farfalla.

02:19:36.000 It was a bar that was...

02:19:38.000 Near the Formosa or something.

02:19:41.000 And she had got my...

02:19:43.000 Back then, you had to write your telephone numbers down in a book.

02:19:46.000 And she called all these people that were in my book.

02:19:50.000 I'd only worked with him once in Punchline, San Francisco.

02:19:55.000 And he showed up at my 30th birthday party. 0.99

02:19:59.000 Oh, fucking day... 0.99

02:20:01.000 Like, surprise party... 0.99

02:20:05.000 And just when I was just in LA, she was there and she's like...

02:20:10.000 I told her about Dave Chappelle and the tour buses that are taking pictures the wrong direction.

02:20:15.000 Dave Chappelle's right over there.

02:20:18.000 She goes, does Dave remember that you guys were, like, really good friends?

02:20:22.000 I go, we were good friends.

02:20:24.000 You stole...

02:20:25.000 Like, I worked with him once and I had his phone number and you called everyone in my phone list to come to this party and I was as surprised as anyone that he was there.

02:20:36.000 But it's weird to think. 0.99

02:20:37.000 He was fucking... 0.99

02:20:40.000 Famous when we were kids. 0.99

02:20:42.000 Yeah.

02:20:43.000 That was 1997 is when I turned 30, and I'm like, oh, Dave Chappelle's here.

02:20:50.000 And that was before the Chappelle show.

02:20:53.000 Way before.

02:20:54.000 I met Dave when he was 19. But he was famous.

02:20:58.000 No, he wasn't back then.

02:20:59.000 Well, not as famous as...

02:21:01.000 No, he was unknown.

02:21:02.000 When I met him, I met him in New York.

02:21:05.000 He was doing Catch a Rising Star.

02:21:08.000 He was really young.

02:21:09.000 He was really funny.

02:21:10.000 But he was so composed for someone who was that young.

02:21:15.000 Then I hung out with him in Montreal a few years later, like maybe two or three years later, maybe he's like 21, and he did street comedy.

02:21:24.000 We took off his hat and he said he put his hat on the ground and he did comedy for like just random people on the street and they put money in his hat.

02:21:33.000 I really love that guy and what he was doing during COVID we could have done in Bisbee.

02:21:41.000 Because we do shows at my house.

02:21:44.000 But I was like, everyone that I knew was afraid of COVID. I remember Bingo saying, some guy stopped by and go, here, take a road atlas.

02:21:55.000 You touched the same road atlas he touched.

02:21:59.000 And the paranoia, I'm like, yeah, we're probably going to be fine.

02:22:03.000 But Chappelle, we should have been doing shows like that.

02:22:08.000 At the Fun House.

02:22:09.000 Maybe.

02:22:09.000 But he had a lot of resources.

02:22:12.000 He had a lot of testing.

02:22:15.000 He flew people in privately.

02:22:18.000 He didn't make any money.

02:22:20.000 He lost money on all those shows.

02:22:22.000 A lot of money.

02:22:23.000 But he...

02:22:24.000 I lose money picking up a bar tab, but it's in relationship to how much money you have.

02:22:31.000 Yeah, it's a lot of money.

02:22:31.000 He lost a lot of money, and the way he did it was like, he did it to make comedy alive again.

02:22:37.000 He wanted to do comedy.

02:22:39.000 And he did it outside, in like a wedding venue, in...

02:22:43.000 And it never lined up with me where I had the time to go down there.

02:22:48.000 And it was over.

02:22:49.000 It was over before I could go back to go to there, rather.

02:22:53.000 But then we started doing shows in Austin.

02:22:55.000 You know, he and I started doing shows in Austin like October of 2020. Outside, no people.

02:23:02.000 We had done a bunch before.

02:23:04.000 Well, we had done a few before.

02:23:06.000 We did the Tacoma Dome in Tacoma, Washington.

02:23:10.000 We broke the record for the attendance.

02:23:12.000 We did 25,000 people together in the Tacoma Dome before the pandemic.

02:23:17.000 I know that...

02:23:20.000 You've either adjusted to do that, but you are always like me.

02:23:25.000 I'm a club guy.

02:23:26.000 I want to see the back row.

02:23:28.000 I'm still a club guy.

02:23:30.000 Doesn't matter.

02:23:31.000 Just do comedy.

02:23:32.000 I'll bring you with me.

02:23:33.000 You want to come and do an arena?

02:23:34.000 It'll be fine.

02:23:35.000 No, I hate them!

02:23:36.000 You don't know.

02:23:37.000 Have you done it? 0.99

02:23:38.000 I certainly wouldn't want to do it as a fucking opening act. 0.99

02:23:42.000 Douglas, you wouldn't be an opening act. 0.99

02:23:43.000 I would suffer through it if I'm getting all the fucking gate. 0.98

02:23:47.000 If you want to do like 15 minutes or 20 minutes or even half an hour in the arena, you let me know. 0.97

02:23:53.000 I'll have an opening act, warm everybody up, get everything cracking, and then you go up.

02:23:57.000 It's fun.

02:23:58.000 It's just fans.

02:23:59.000 I would do that for the story.

02:24:01.000 Listen to me.

02:24:02.000 It's not for the story.

02:24:03.000 It's 15,000 people who love you.

02:24:05.000 It's okay.

02:24:06.000 It's no different than 200 people or 300 people or 500 people.

02:24:10.000 It's just a different tempo.

02:24:12.000 I do 3,000 at the Hammersmith O2 in London.

02:24:16.000 Perfect.

02:24:17.000 That's the biggest.

02:24:18.000 And I hate it because my fans want to talk to me.

02:24:21.000 And when they're 2,900 seats away... 1.00

02:24:25.000 And they have that gibberish fucking accent. 1.00

02:24:28.000 I don't know what you're yelling at. 1.00

02:24:30.000 But that's a different thing.

02:24:31.000 What I'm saying is it's no different than any other kind of comedy.

02:24:36.000 If more people have a chance to see you, that's better.

02:24:39.000 And they enjoy it.

02:24:40.000 They're happier there.

02:24:42.000 They just want to see you. 1.00

02:24:43.000 You do your shit. 1.00

02:24:44.000 You have a good time. 1.00

02:24:45.000 It doesn't matter if it's 200 people or 2,000 people or 20,000 people.

02:24:50.000 It's the same thing.

02:24:50.000 Yeah, but you have to know how the inside of my head works.

02:24:54.000 I know how the inside of your head works.

02:24:55.000 No, you don't.

02:24:56.000 My head works the same way.

02:24:58.000 I was very apprehensive about doing arenas, even doing theaters. 0.98

02:25:02.000 I was like, theaters suck. 0.72

02:25:04.000 Clubs are the way to go. 0.93

02:25:05.000 Oh, did you finally bring out the Buffalo Trance?

02:25:07.000 Yay! 0.99

02:25:08.000 Yeah.

02:25:09.000 They're all good, dude.

02:25:10.000 It's not Buffalo Trance.

02:25:11.000 You're in a trance, though.

02:25:13.000 You're in a Buffalo Trance.

02:25:16.000 It's not Canadian Club, which I buy in a plastic handle.

02:25:20.000 You get microplastics. 1.00

02:25:22.000 That's why your balls are shrinking. 1.00

02:25:24.000 It's bad for you. 1.00

02:25:25.000 Oh, my balls... 1.00

02:25:27.000 As my penis shrinks, it's going into my balls. 1.00

02:25:32.000 That's... 1.00

02:25:34.000 How's your genitalia holding up? 0.99

02:25:36.000 It's okay, it's hanging in there. 0.99

02:25:36.000 Wait till August when you're my age, and it's gonna be a different story. 0.99

02:25:40.000 Dude, I'm like that kitten on that poster, like, hanging there, baby.

02:25:44.000 Like, hanging on.

02:25:45.000 Friday's coming?

02:25:46.000 Yeah.

02:25:46.000 You know that poster, the kitten?

02:25:48.000 That's me.

02:25:49.000 Yeah, that poster that most of general voting bloc society still thinks is funny?

02:25:57.000 It's hilarious.

02:25:57.000 I got up at 7 in the morning just to work out.

02:26:00.000 That's me.

02:26:01.000 Well, the one that I like is the one where it's hanging there.

02:26:03.000 It says Friday's coming.

02:26:04.000 It's on a curtain.

02:26:05.000 In the Spencer Gifts version.

02:26:06.000 Hang in there, baby.

02:26:07.000 Yeah.

02:26:08.000 Spencer Gifts version.

02:26:09.000 Yeah.

02:26:10.000 When you used to buy posters.

02:26:12.000 How many hang in there?

02:26:13.000 Put Friday's coming.

02:26:15.000 Hang in there.

02:26:15.000 Oh my God.

02:26:16.000 It's hard to soar with the eagles when you work with the turkeys. 1.00

02:26:22.000 Back when posters, before they became bumper stickers.

02:26:26.000 And you go, oh, this person laughs at this every day. 1.00

02:26:29.000 And I work hard at stand-up comedy when this asshole fucking has a bumper sticker. 1.00

02:26:36.000 How many hang-in-there babies are there? 1.00

02:26:39.000 This is amazing.

02:26:43.000 I didn't know.

02:26:44.000 Wait, you're almost my age.

02:26:46.000 Remember the one with the kid who had spaghetti on his head?

02:26:50.000 Yes.

02:26:51.000 What was the catchphrase of that?

02:26:54.000 Uh-oh, spaghetti-o?

02:26:56.000 Poster, toddler with spaghetti on his head, kid with spaghetti on his head.

02:27:02.000 That was huge comedy back when- No, no, poster.

02:27:09.000 It was like, oh, the first one over there.

02:27:12.000 Why not?

02:27:13.000 Which one?

02:27:14.000 The top, the first one.

02:27:16.000 Top left?

02:27:16.000 Same guy.

02:27:17.000 Same picture.

02:27:18.000 Same picture.

02:27:19.000 Oh, well, it's in color, because that's how I had the...

02:27:22.000 Why me?

02:27:26.000 No, it's not the same picture at all.

02:27:29.000 Yeah.

02:27:30.000 Look at the two side by side.

02:27:32.000 I hate to be wrong, Joe.

02:27:34.000 You're definitely wrong.

02:27:35.000 It's the exact same picture.

02:27:36.000 Exact.

02:27:37.000 100%.

02:27:37.000 That one and the one next to it, one's screaming and one's happy.

02:27:41.000 Which one do you like?

02:27:42.000 I'm saying it's not the same picture and I demand to be right.

02:27:46.000 That one is the same as that one.

02:27:48.000 Oh, okay.

02:27:50.000 He showed the one beside it first, the screaming kid.

02:27:54.000 I think there's multiple.

02:27:55.000 Not as funny.

02:27:56.000 Someone hacked it up.

02:27:58.000 Baby with spaghetti on head, photo by George S. How do you say that name?

02:28:05.000 Trebent?

02:28:06.000 Trebant?

02:28:07.000 Trebant?

02:28:08.000 Life Magazine, 1960. Wow.

02:28:11.000 Wow.

02:28:12.000 1960. See, that's what I love about old shit. 1.00

02:28:16.000 If I look at an old dresser, it's from 1945. What was it like when the people that were making this dresser, what was life like for them? 0.99

02:28:27.000 So into the 70s.

02:28:28.000 Give me another cigarette.

02:28:29.000 I'm fascinated by people that were living back when there was no access to information. 0.98

02:28:35.000 You have a fucking Navy SEAL Team 6 worth of security out here. 0.89

02:28:39.000 I'm the number one podcast on the planet Earth. 1.00

02:28:41.000 I know, so fucking send them to go get a pack of spirits. 0.99

02:28:45.000 We're okay. 0.99

02:28:47.000 I have to have security now.

02:28:49.000 I know.

02:28:50.000 Actually, when I came back from 18 months off, you never quit.

02:28:57.000 You were still doing shows here and again, even secret shows.

02:29:01.000 I did not do a show, and one of the bits for the first couple months The first few shows I do where no one can hear you die, Mountain Time Zone, Flagstaff, Salt Lake, Wyoming, Montana.

02:29:18.000 Yeah, where they're just happy that anyone ever came, COVID or not.

02:29:22.000 And I did have a bit that I used you as an example about having... 1.00

02:29:28.000 We're all fighting for the minds of the stupid. 1.00

02:29:33.000 What do you mean? 1.00

02:29:35.000 I don't know.

02:29:36.000 That's why I dropped the bit.

02:29:38.000 But we're all trying to convince someone that our opinion's right on some level.

02:29:44.000 The first time I said it, it made sense on a podcast, and I go, I'll make this a bit. 1.00

02:29:50.000 But how many stupid people can you tolerate? 1.00

02:29:54.000 I make a good living at a reasonable amount of fucking dummies. 1.00

02:30:00.000 No, you make a living off of rebels. 0.99

02:30:04.000 You make a living off of people that don't want to do what they're doing and they want to believe that this is temporary.

02:30:10.000 And they're right.

02:30:11.000 They know that it's not going to last. 0.97

02:30:13.000 No matter what anybody says, and I don't care if you wear a bow tie, if you wear fucking shiny shoes, if you drive a Tesla, it's going to end. 0.96

02:30:20.000 It's going to end and you're going to die and you're going to rot and worms are going to eat your body and bacteria is going to take over your organism. 0.99

02:30:26.000 Yeah.

02:30:26.000 You die at the end.

02:30:28.000 You die at the end.

02:30:29.000 Period.

02:30:30.000 And the structure that your parents subscribed to and my parents subscribed to and everybody before them did is incorrect.

02:30:42.000 It's like a scaffolding.

02:30:44.000 It's a thing you hold on to when you're walking and you think that the rails are the guide.

02:30:49.000 They're not.

02:30:50.000 There's no guide.

02:30:51.000 It doesn't make sense.

02:30:52.000 It's life and death and the only thing that's good is what feels good when you're a happy person and your friends are happy and you're enjoying life.

02:31:01.000 And you just hope you can spread that energy out to other people so that when you pass, they spread it further.

02:31:09.000 And when they pass, they spread it to other people and all of us can elevate together.

02:31:13.000 That's it.

02:31:14.000 That's it.

02:31:15.000 And it doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to.

02:31:17.000 Because stars are dying. 0.99

02:31:18.000 Planets are fucking imploding. 0.99

02:31:21.000 Supernovas are happening. 0.99

02:31:22.000 You know what's not going to be on TMZ? What?

02:31:25.000 Or fucking BuzzVulture or fucking... 1.00

02:31:30.000 TMZ fucking dot scam fuck is that quote. 1.00

02:31:34.000 They take you, they find these muckrakers, not just you. 1.00

02:31:40.000 And I do have a bit about this, where just they try to find one thing you said to polarize people.

02:31:47.000 And I, at one point, I was very high at home.

02:31:51.000 I go, listen.

02:31:53.000 It's taken out of context.

02:31:55.000 I don't...

02:31:56.000 I do nothing with my life, but I still think...

02:31:59.000 I don't have three hours to listen to a podcast.

02:32:02.000 Yeah.

02:32:03.000 But I know you, and I know that you're being taken out of context.

02:32:07.000 But I was high, and I made someone in the room do the math.

02:32:11.000 I go, how many podcast episodes has he done?

02:32:15.000 And it's like 1,685.

02:32:19.000 I go, times that by three...

02:32:22.000 This is how many episodes of the Joe Rogan podcast.

02:32:27.000 It was like 231 solid days.

02:32:31.000 You would have to listen to Joe Rogan to put them in context, where it's so easy to take 80 seconds and vilify you.

02:32:41.000 Yeah.

02:32:42.000 And then I go, thank God I'm making a decent living under the radar.

02:32:47.000 But that's okay, too.

02:32:49.000 I know, I'm very happy.

02:32:51.000 But I'm on my side.

02:32:52.000 I mean, people vilifying me, that's okay.

02:32:55.000 If that's what you want to do.

02:32:57.000 But you're just going to let people examine it.

02:32:59.000 They're going to let people examine your prognosis, your interpretation.

02:33:05.000 And they're going to decide, oh, you're being disingenuous.

02:33:08.000 You're taking people out of context.

02:33:10.000 If you want to take a person at the worst thing they've ever said ever and say that's you forever, well, that's nonsense.

02:33:16.000 Because that's not what people are.

02:33:17.000 I would hope that every single person listening to this, watching this, is growing and learning every day. 0.99

02:33:23.000 You fuck up, you learn, you get better. 0.99

02:33:25.000 It's part of being a person. 1.00

02:33:27.000 You're born confused and clueless.

02:33:30.000 And slowly you accumulate experiences and information and revelations.

02:33:36.000 And at a certain point in time, we would hope that you would be better than you used to be.

02:33:43.000 And I think I am.

02:33:44.000 I'm better than I used to be.

02:33:45.000 But am I perfect?

02:33:46.000 No.

02:33:46.000 Am I better now than I was 10 years ago?

02:33:49.000 100%.

02:33:50.000 Am I better than I was 20 years ago?

02:33:52.000 100%.

02:33:53.000 Do I hope to be better from now in 10 years?

02:33:56.000 Yeah, I do.

02:33:57.000 If you were...

02:34:01.000 As knowledged.

02:34:02.000 And we've talked about this.

02:34:03.000 I remember talking about it on a podcast where you go, yeah, I read books so I can sound smarter.

02:34:10.000 But that's like being humble.

02:34:12.000 The reality is I read books because I want to know.

02:34:14.000 Yeah.

02:34:15.000 I want to know what someone else thinks.

02:34:18.000 And then put that into your act.

02:34:20.000 Yeah.

02:34:21.000 But it's also, it's like, I want to know.

02:34:22.000 It's not just my act anymore.

02:34:24.000 It's like when I was young, it was my act because I wanted to make a living.

02:34:27.000 I wanted to be good.

02:34:28.000 And then once I got a living and I got okay, now I want to know what do I think? 0.66

02:34:33.000 I remember when you once told me, and it's vivid, yeah, well Bill Hicks would read Noam Chomsky and then put a dick joke into it and say it on stage.

02:34:44.000 And I've said that in specials. 0.98

02:34:47.000 I'm the guy that will call you stupid for not knowing what I just read yesterday and truly believed. 0.98

02:34:54.000 But it's a joke. 1.00

02:34:55.000 It's like you're fucking around, right? 1.00

02:34:57.000 And that's the thing about talking shit. 0.99

02:34:59.000 And one of the things that Bill Hicks did is he exposed people to ideas that they weren't aware of before. 0.99

02:35:05.000 I didn't know about Terrence McKenna until I heard what Bill Hicks said, five grams.

02:35:10.000 He said, reach under your table, there's five dried grams, or what Terrence McKenna would say is a heroic dose.

02:35:18.000 I'm like, who is Terrence McKenna?

02:35:19.000 And I started reading Terrence McKenna.

02:35:21.000 And I read it because of you. 1.00

02:35:23.000 Fools of the God. 0.99

02:35:24.000 Yeah, and in all of his books. 0.98

02:35:26.000 And you just, you listen to his lectures and you're, like, I heard Terrence McKenna, what he said when I first did DMT. I literally heard the words he said.

02:35:36.000 He said, do not give in to astonishment. 0.99

02:35:38.000 I heard that from, like, whatever the fuck the entities were. 0.98

02:35:44.000 That's the thing about comedy. 0.97

02:35:46.000 You can just tell jokes, and you can also tell jokes that lead you to think differently.

02:35:52.000 I don't think Hicks is the funniest guy ever, but I think Hicks is the most influential guy ever.

02:35:59.000 He's the guy that said things in a way.

02:36:02.000 If you have to listen to Lenny Bruce, it's unlistenable because he has the jargon of the day that it doesn't make sense.

02:36:10.000 There's a few things, but I do understand where it was a groundbreaker.

02:36:15.000 But Hicks, yeah.

02:36:17.000 Well, that's our life.

02:36:18.000 We were alive back then.

02:36:19.000 I didn't laugh at Hicks a lot.

02:36:20.000 We were in a live in 63 or 64 when Lenny Bruce was doing heroin and opening up for musicians and jazz bands and stuff.

02:36:28.000 But the recorded stuff...

02:36:29.000 It doesn't apply.

02:36:30.000 He has that jargon.

02:36:32.000 Yeah.

02:36:32.000 Almost like...

02:36:34.000 Yeah.

02:36:35.000 He had a joke.

02:36:36.000 For Shizzy My Nizzy was like, I don't know what that means.

02:36:40.000 That's it.

02:36:41.000 That's it.

02:36:41.000 For Shizzy My Nizzy is like...

02:36:43.000 People make up their own fucking nomenclature. 0.98

02:36:45.000 Well, he was also... 0.99

02:36:47.000 No one existed before him.

02:36:50.000 He's patient zero in the comedy war.

02:36:53.000 He's the guy.

02:36:54.000 Typhoid Mary.

02:36:55.000 He's the guy.

02:36:56.000 He's the guy.

02:36:56.000 I have a ton of...

02:36:58.000 I have in my office, I have Lenny Bruce giving the finger.

02:37:02.000 I look at it before I write.

02:37:04.000 I do.

02:37:05.000 That guy's the first guy that ever had whatever it was, whether it was heroin or just indignance, he just decided he wasn't buying into the cultural narrative.

02:37:15.000 He was the first guy.

02:37:16.000 And he was the guy that would say things on stage that was like commentary on situations in life.

02:37:22.000 Are there any n-words in the audience? 0.99

02:37:25.000 I don't want to get you into any more fucking problems. 0.99

02:37:27.000 LOL. Are there any wops? 0.99

02:37:30.000 Any fucking kikes? 1.00

02:37:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:37:32.000 He did that bit. 1.00

02:37:33.000 He said, if you say that word enough, it won't mean anything anymore.

02:37:37.000 It won't make anybody feel bad.

02:37:39.000 That's why they're trying to split us apart.

02:37:40.000 But it's not they, man. 0.75

02:37:42.000 It's like people.

02:37:43.000 It's like when you say they- They're fake people, too. 0.52

02:37:45.000 But it is a lot of fake people.

02:37:46.000 It's also people that just want to be a part of the winning team.

02:37:50.000 This is what's going on.

02:37:51.000 It's people that attack and people that jump in and people that think that it's important to speak their truth.

02:37:58.000 I know what they're doing, man.

02:38:00.000 It's not all bad.

02:38:02.000 They're trying to make the world a better place and they're trying to establish themselves and their opinions as being valid.

02:38:08.000 And they do it by criticizing people and they do it by trying to diminish other people and minimize other people.

02:38:14.000 People like to fight.

02:38:16.000 But it's okay.

02:38:17.000 It's okay, man.

02:38:18.000 Everything's fine.

02:38:19.000 It's okay.

02:38:20.000 But I mean, it's okay.

02:38:20.000 It's like, that's a part of the process.

02:38:22.000 It's like, it's not bad.

02:38:24.000 And some people think it is bad.

02:38:26.000 They think they are your dire enemy, but it's not real. 0.97

02:38:29.000 The reality is we're all- Hey, Buzz Culture, fucking take this clip and put it out there. 0.98

02:38:36.000 Hey, Joe Rogan does actually fucking make sense sometimes. 0.98

02:38:41.000 It doesn't matter. 0.95

02:38:42.000 It doesn't matter.

02:38:43.000 I know it doesn't matter. 0.99

02:38:43.000 They don't have to do it because more people are listening to this than everyone will read that shit. 0.99

02:38:48.000 Sells clickbait. 0.99

02:38:50.000 But it doesn't matter.

02:38:50.000 They can do that.

02:38:51.000 It's okay.

02:38:52.000 It's not real.

02:38:53.000 If you don't express yourself in an honest, objective manner, people are going to know. 1.00

02:38:58.000 And if you have an agenda and you want to say, Doug Stanhope is a piece of shit and he's a loser and he's this and that... 1.00

02:39:03.000 That's not real to people that know you, right? 1.00

02:39:07.000 It's the same as everything else.

02:39:08.000 Like, you can take an angle, and I kind of understand your angle. 0.99

02:39:12.000 If I was you, and I was living in your life, and I was watching this person is getting an undue, and if there's anybody that gets an undue amount of attention, it's fucking me. 0.97

02:39:20.000 I'll tell you as me, it's me. 0.98

02:39:22.000 But it doesn't matter.

02:39:24.000 Well, everyone knows it's you.

02:39:25.000 100%.

02:39:26.000 But I don't care.

02:39:27.000 It's still creepy that you are the voice of It's bizarre!

02:39:32.000 Like...

02:39:33.000 If you've known me for so many years, it's preposterous.

02:39:37.000 You've never...

02:39:40.000 I didn't try to be this person.

02:39:44.000 I literally didn't even ask for it.

02:39:47.000 You do fall for conspiracy theories at a higher rate than I do.

02:39:52.000 Yes.

02:39:52.000 Because a lot of times I've followed you.

02:39:54.000 But one of the times, Dave Attell and Joe Rogan are the two people when we only talk like once a year on the phone.

02:40:04.000 Same as a tell, but if I get the call, I go, do I have an hour and 20 minutes to talk?

02:40:12.000 Because we don't talk that much, but we do talk.

02:40:16.000 And one of the times, before you actually moved here, but that was the plan, we talked for over an hour.

02:40:24.000 You talked mostly.

02:40:26.000 But I didn't have much to say.

02:40:30.000 But you told me, because I wrote it down, did you hear about this Wayfair?

02:40:37.000 I wrote it down wrong.

02:40:38.000 It was Mayfair or vice versa.

02:40:40.000 What's Mayfair? 1.00

02:40:41.000 That fucking QAnon conspiracy where they're selling... 1.00

02:40:45.000 Look it up! 1.00

02:40:47.000 Look it up!

02:40:48.000 What is Mayfair?

02:40:49.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

02:40:49.000 Where they were pretending to sell fucking QAnon children through a fucking furniture... 1.00

02:40:55.000 Do you know this? 1.00

02:40:56.000 Wayfair, Mayfair.

02:40:57.000 Yeah, it's not Mayfair, it's Wayfair.

02:40:58.000 You said it right the first time.

02:41:00.000 I told you about this?

02:41:01.000 There was a thing about it.

02:41:03.000 Because you had just heard it.

02:41:04.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

02:41:06.000 You had just heard it, so I wrote it down, and by a week later when I actually searched it, it had been debunked, and then that was before QAnon was a thing.

02:41:16.000 You're confusing me with somebody, for sure.

02:41:18.000 I don't even know about this.

02:41:21.000 100%.

02:41:22.000 You had just heard about it, so maybe you discounted it an hour after.

02:41:26.000 I didn't hear about it until right now.

02:41:28.000 I'm very good at knowing what I remember.

02:41:31.000 What is this conspiracy?

02:41:34.000 Ask Jesse.

02:41:37.000 This was very popular a year and a half ago.

02:41:39.000 I said Jesse.

02:41:40.000 What was it?

02:41:41.000 People online were like, wait, what's going on with these fake posts for dresser drawers?

02:41:47.000 And they had a strange name attached to them.

02:41:49.000 Oh, that was like some weird thing that I saw on Reddit where there was a bunch of people that were pretending.

02:41:53.000 I'm not blaming you. 0.71

02:41:54.000 It's sex trafficking.

02:41:55.000 Yeah, you should look it up because you had just heard about it.

02:41:59.000 But hold on.

02:41:59.000 Buy into this.

02:42:00.000 Or be clear about this.

02:42:02.000 I did not buy into this. 0.99

02:42:03.000 It's not like something that I thought was like they were sex trafficking by selling dresser drawers and shit. 0.96

02:42:09.000 I was reading this thing off of Reddit. 0.96

02:42:10.000 I go, have you read this? 0.99

02:42:12.000 Like, this is fucking bizarre. 0.98

02:42:13.000 And you told me to look it up. 0.98

02:42:14.000 Right, but I didn't say it like I believed in it.

02:42:17.000 That's not one I believed in.

02:42:18.000 Okay.

02:42:19.000 If you want to say, like, Bigfoot, UFOs...

02:42:21.000 Fake moon landing?

02:42:23.000 Yeah, there's a lot of those.

02:42:23.000 Where you made me watch a four-hour VHS... A funny thing happened on the way to the moon.

02:42:30.000 This is 90s, but you're like, you gotta watch this.

02:42:33.000 And it's a double-decker VHS I rented, and I watched both two-hour episodes, and then it was at the beginning of Google or Ask Jeeves, where I went, debunk... 0.97

02:42:49.000 And now I've spent 12 hours thinking that the moon landing is fake and then I realized I don't give a fuck if anyone went to the moon. 0.98

02:43:00.000 My girlfriend's dumping me. 0.95

02:43:03.000 Here's the thing about the moon landing being fake.

02:43:07.000 I think they could pull it off.

02:43:09.000 I don't think they did.

02:43:12.000 But I think they could.

02:43:13.000 Yeah, they absolutely could.

02:43:15.000 This is my position on the moon landing. 0.99

02:43:16.000 If you want to tell me that it's impossible for the government to pretend that people landed on the moon, I say bullshit. 0.94

02:43:22.000 If you want to say that people landed on the moon, I say probably. 0.98

02:43:26.000 Yeah, most likely.

02:43:27.000 Like, if you look at the science behind it, it seems like they landed on the moon.

02:43:30.000 The problem is when someone lies about anything, it leads you to believe they're lying about everything.

02:43:36.000 If someone treats, like, if you look at the time, which, like, this was all going on, like, when Kennedy was president, they had proposed the Operation Northwoods, where they were going to blow up That's always been my fallback.

02:43:50.000 Yeah, that's a problem.

02:43:51.000 If Operation Northwoods is true, anything could be true, and that's definitely true.

02:43:57.000 Not only that, the Gulf of Tonkin that led us into the Vietnam War, it was all fake. 0.98

02:44:02.000 There is a 100% reality about our government fucking around. 0.89

02:44:08.000 Now I'm going to have to do a full hour to impress you tonight. 0.97

02:44:13.000 And to state claim that this was my bit.

02:44:16.000 Wait, what bit did he say he already does?

02:44:18.000 Oh, yeah.

02:44:19.000 I gave up on the bit.

02:44:21.000 No, the one about the fourth world countries in the Senegalese.

02:44:24.000 We'll talk.

02:44:25.000 We'll talk.

02:44:25.000 You won.

02:44:26.000 You won.

02:44:26.000 You don't even know.

02:44:27.000 It might suck. 0.92

02:44:28.000 You might watch the bit. 0.96

02:44:28.000 You don't like it. 0.96

02:44:29.000 The point is...

02:44:33.000 It's hard to know what's real if you just accept that the government is being honest because they've been dishonest about so many things.

02:44:43.000 And if you either want to believe the government 100% about everything and think they have your best interests at heart, which is, you know, that's a good position.

02:44:52.000 You want to live your life and have no worries and hopefully everybody will work it out.

02:44:57.000 Or you want to admit that money changes everything.

02:45:00.000 Money influences the way people decide things.

02:45:03.000 Power influences everything.

02:45:05.000 Hard to argue with that.

02:45:05.000 Hard to argue with the idea that power influences, literally influences the way people project the world onto other folks.

02:45:15.000 Influences in terms of people that are paying you for things or influences in terms of relationships you have with entities that have extreme power.

02:45:25.000 You can't just assume that all the things you've been told are accurate because they're just not.

02:45:32.000 If you go back throughout history, like you go back and lead Schmedley Butler's War is Just a Racket.

02:45:38.000 Let me just plug Lies My Teacher Told Me by Lowen.

02:45:41.000 It's an old one, still holds up, and you are being lied to, which is a compendium.

02:45:47.000 Disinformation.com.

02:45:47.000 Yeah, disinfo.com.

02:45:49.000 That was a great book.

02:45:50.000 That changed my life.

02:45:51.000 Yeah, there's many things, but the problem is it's not all things.

02:45:56.000 And we have to be, like, really non-attached to ideas.

02:46:00.000 You have to realize that ideas are literally just ideas.

02:46:04.000 They're not you, they're not me.

02:46:06.000 If you believe that Roe vs.

02:46:09.000 Wade should be codified and it should be into law, and I go, hey man, what about when a baby's six months old?

02:46:16.000 What do you do?

02:46:17.000 And these are discussions that don't have anything to do with us other than their ideas.

02:46:22.000 I love you, and I think you're a good person, and I know I try very, very, very hard to be a good person.

02:46:28.000 And I would hope that most people listening to this are also trying very hard to be good people.

02:46:33.000 I think if we all come together on that notion, we're all going to be better off.

02:46:37.000 But the problem is when you believe... 0.99

02:46:39.000 Hey, TMZ, I saw that and fucking put it out. 0.98

02:46:42.000 Joe Rogan says something fucking normal, pragmatic, bringing people together, and you went to... 0.99

02:46:50.000 Oh, he said the N-word when? 0.98

02:46:53.000 Listen, the whole idea about the border. 1.00

02:46:57.000 I'm a fucking grandchild of immigrants. 0.99

02:47:01.000 All of my grandparents came from Europe. 1.00

02:47:03.000 All of them.

02:47:04.000 I don't have anybody.

02:47:05.000 I'm third generation, 100%.

02:47:08.000 Now he's talking white privilege again.

02:47:11.000 They all came over here, man.

02:47:13.000 This is a nation of immigrants.

02:47:14.000 If you're saying you should stop immigration 100%, that's crazy talk.

02:47:19.000 That's crazy talk.

02:47:20.000 This is literally a nation.

02:47:20.000 I'm holding my hand up in class.

02:47:22.000 Go ahead, Mr. Stanhope.

02:47:26.000 What do they call it when you're a cultural appropriation?

02:47:31.000 Yes.

02:47:32.000 Weren't we taught at our age, you're almost as old as me.

02:47:36.000 Almost.

02:47:36.000 I'm getting close.

02:47:37.000 Didn't they call that a melting pot as a positive?

02:47:40.000 That was a positive. 1.00

02:47:41.000 It's cultural appropriation if you wear a fucking sombrero at fucking Cinco de Mayo. 1.00

02:47:48.000 Or if you're a white girl and you have hoop earrings. 1.00

02:47:51.000 What does that mean?

02:47:52.000 Latinas.

02:47:53.000 I think they let that go.

02:47:56.000 They let that go. 0.99

02:47:57.000 Because they found out that Babylonia, the fucking Babylonians had earrings like that, hoop earrings. 0.99

02:48:03.000 It's nobody's. 0.99

02:48:04.000 Well, that's where I draw a line. 1.00

02:48:07.000 If you're trying to be Babylonian, fuck you. 1.00

02:48:11.000 You can't. 1.00

02:48:12.000 I'm going to get a Babylonian tattoo.

02:48:14.000 That's my next tattoo.

02:48:16.000 I need more tattoos.

02:48:17.000 I almost got a tattoo last night.

02:48:19.000 You need one, sir. 0.99

02:48:19.000 That's how fucked up I was. 0.99

02:48:21.000 If I buy you a house, will you get a tattoo for the comedy mothership? 1.00

02:48:25.000 I don't need a house.

02:48:25.000 I need you to buy that guy's house.

02:48:27.000 Out here, in Austin.

02:48:28.000 Oh, no.

02:48:29.000 I almost moved out here.

02:48:31.000 I need you to move out here.

02:48:33.000 Super important.

02:48:35.000 I'll be biracial, or whatever you call it.

02:48:40.000 Binational? 0.90

02:48:40.000 I don't know. 0.90

02:48:42.000 Bi-state? 0.93

02:48:44.000 You wouldn't even be bi-coastal.

02:48:46.000 We're talking about like both places are centrist.

02:48:49.000 Center of the country.

02:48:51.000 But, you know, like, at the end of the day...

02:48:54.000 Isn't it the end of the day yet?

02:48:58.000 Yeah, it's 4.30.

02:48:59.000 I get a piss.

02:49:00.000 Yeah.

02:49:01.000 You gotta go piss. 0.99

02:49:01.000 Go piss. 0.99

02:49:02.000 No, no, no.

02:49:03.000 We'll come back.

02:49:03.000 No, I was...

02:49:04.000 This is probably the only Joe Rogan podcast I've done where I didn't have to finally leave and piss.

02:49:11.000 I've had, like, three whiskeys and four cups of coffee, and it's three hours in.

02:49:15.000 I'm good.

02:49:15.000 I get an extraordinary bladder.

02:49:19.000 When I take a Cerequil, I told you, I took a Cerequil, which I don't take and I don't recommend, but if you want to sleep for 14 hours, it's a heavy, psychotic, anti-anxiety downer. 0.93

02:49:32.000 It's like lithium, whatever fucking Jack Nicholson was on in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Test. 0.99

02:49:38.000 It's like, okay, I have one night, I can sleep like a fucking baby. 0.99

02:49:44.000 And that's when I woke up and everyone was at the one bar I walked into just trying to find some breakfast. 0.99

02:49:52.000 It's a hardcore downer.

02:49:57.000 Mentally ill people are on this for the daytime. 0.88

02:50:01.000 And I'm like, the first time, bingo, my girlfriend's mentally ill, my wife... 0.83

02:50:09.000 And the first time she gave me one, I slept for 24 hours.

02:50:14.000 And people are giving this to get through their day?

02:50:18.000 It's a heavy antipsychotic.

02:50:21.000 Do you see the controversy where Elon said that more people that he knows have had better success with psychedelics than they had with SSRIs?

02:50:33.000 I said antipsychotic.

02:50:36.000 Yeah, but did you see that?

02:50:37.000 No, I... It was really interesting because I think it's kind of accurate.

02:50:40.000 What's your guy from the comedy store?

02:50:42.000 Clyde or Clyde? 0.99

02:50:44.000 Whatever the fuck his name is, keep it on the DL. Don't give him up. 0.99

02:50:49.000 What does he do?

02:50:50.000 What's your problem with Elon Musk?

02:50:52.000 Who says that? 0.99

02:50:53.000 I was talking shit about Elon Musk last night. 0.99

02:50:57.000 Okay. 0.99

02:50:58.000 Why were you doing that?

02:50:58.000 He goes, what's your problem?

02:51:00.000 I go, well, first of all, I have to hate him because Johnny Depp's my friend.

02:51:07.000 Listen, if you met him, you wouldn't hate him.

02:51:10.000 I know I wouldn't hate him.

02:51:12.000 But I love Johnny Depp and I don't hate him.

02:51:14.000 I'm going there.

02:51:16.000 Well, Johnny Depp has a problem with him.

02:51:19.000 Personally.

02:51:19.000 I understand the problem.

02:51:21.000 Yeah, you know, like you're fucking high school kids. 1.00

02:51:24.000 Oh, he fucked your girl. 1.00

02:51:26.000 I hate that guy. 1.00

02:51:27.000 I get it. 0.98

02:51:27.000 I know it's simpleton thinking, but I am very vain, probably because I have one of the most punchable heads I've ever seen. 0.98

02:51:38.000 You don't have a punchable head. 0.61

02:51:38.000 To me, I do. 0.61

02:51:39.000 I would not want to punch you. 1.00

02:51:41.000 No, I just hate my fucking head. 1.00

02:51:43.000 So I hate other people like Jamie Kennedy or Sebastian Maniscalco. 1.00

02:51:49.000 He's got a good head. 1.00

02:51:50.000 I want to punch you in the face. 1.00

02:51:53.000 Sebastian's beautiful. 1.00

02:51:54.000 Just say it. 0.86

02:51:55.000 Gross! 0.98

02:51:58.000 Like, there's other comics I hate because they're terrible. 0.97

02:52:01.000 Chelsea Handler.

02:52:02.000 How dare you?

02:52:03.000 What?

02:52:05.000 She's... 1.00

02:52:05.000 How dare you? 1.00

02:52:07.000 I watched a special just to hate watch it.

02:52:10.000 And...

02:52:11.000 Why didn't you watch a documentary?

02:52:13.000 About butterflies.

02:52:14.000 Something positive.

02:52:17.000 Are you Alex Jones-ing me? 0.99

02:52:22.000 When I did Alex Jones' fucking thing, his podcast, before he was over the top... 0.97

02:52:30.000 Do you want to do it while you're out here? 0.99

02:52:31.000 We all know...

02:52:31.000 Do you want to do it while you're out here?

02:52:32.000 No, no, no.

02:52:33.000 I'll set it up.

02:52:33.000 He's gone...

02:52:34.000 No, no, no.

02:52:35.000 When he started...

02:52:37.000 He's fine.

02:52:37.000 When Alex Jones started in Austin, we were more popular than him, and he did this...

02:52:44.000 Cable access thing.

02:52:46.000 Yeah.

02:52:46.000 And then that guy, Charlie, he's like, yeah, he's just being a cartoon.

02:52:51.000 He's trying to sell tickets. 1.00

02:52:53.000 And then he bought his own bullshit. 0.99

02:52:55.000 Well, he's right about enough things that it's very confusing. 1.00

02:52:59.000 You know, Alex Jones was right about Epstein.

02:53:01.000 Spaghetti against the wall!

02:53:03.000 No, no, no, no.

02:53:03.000 One of those strips of spaghetti is right.

02:53:06.000 No, no, no.

02:53:07.000 He's right about more than spaghetti against the wall.

02:53:09.000 That's why we know about Operation Northwoods.

02:53:12.000 I'll give him that.

02:53:12.000 No, no, no.

02:53:13.000 I knew about that beforehand, or in that range.

02:53:16.000 I read it online.

02:53:17.000 But he...

02:53:18.000 He told me about Bohemian Grove.

02:53:20.000 He told me about Epstein's Island. 1.00

02:53:22.000 When he told me about Epstein's Island, I was like, that is the craziest thing I've ever heard, where a bunch of really rich, influential people and politicians and world leaders go to fuck underage girls. 1.00

02:53:31.000 I'm like, that's crazy. 1.00

02:53:32.000 It's an island.

02:53:33.000 That's crazy.

02:53:34.000 And it turns out to be true.

02:53:35.000 I was like, what?

02:53:37.000 And he tells me people who told him about it and how he heard about it.

02:53:41.000 Jamie, remember my counterpoint is Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild.

02:53:45.000 Let's go.

02:53:47.000 Go ahead.

02:53:48.000 No!

02:53:49.000 You can't connect the two.

02:53:53.000 Cut it and let me go.

02:53:55.000 If you hang out with Alex, you would understand.

02:53:58.000 Alex has problems.

02:54:00.000 He's definitely had problems.

02:54:02.000 He has a lot of alcoholism.

02:54:04.000 But the problem with Alex is, all day long, he's investigating conspiracies and finding out how many of them are accurate.

02:54:12.000 And it freaks him out.

02:54:13.000 And he needs someone around him to balance things out.

02:54:16.000 And he doesn't have that.

02:54:17.000 And when he does have that, when Alex talks to people like you or me...

02:54:22.000 If Alex is here on a podcast...

02:54:23.000 Is this cut out?

02:54:24.000 No, this isn't.

02:54:25.000 If we have a good time and Alex is talking about stuff, you would know that he knows some stuff that is...

02:54:33.000 Bizarre, if true, and then turns out to be true.

02:54:35.000 And then you go, what are you doing?

02:54:38.000 All day, I study these things.

02:54:40.000 All day, I investigate these things.

02:54:42.000 And he does. 0.99

02:54:42.000 He has a lot of really weird, influential people who contact him about weird information about shit that turns out to be fucking accurate, man. 0.99

02:54:50.000 At what point are we responsible for misinformation? 0.98

02:54:56.000 That's a good question.

02:54:58.000 Because...

02:54:59.000 That's a very good question.

02:55:00.000 People do believe in us.

02:55:02.000 Here's what they need to believe.

02:55:03.000 I don't want to discount... 1.00

02:55:05.000 But you and I are just talking shit. 0.99

02:55:06.000 We might be right, we might not be right, but we're not saying... 0.99

02:55:09.000 Look, if you say, in order to be a comic...

02:55:13.000 It takes a long time and a lot of work, and it's a lot of effort, and you've got to go on the road, you've got to experience different kind of crowds.

02:55:19.000 That's accurate and comes from a place of experience. 0.94

02:55:22.000 If you want to start talking about fucking Bohemian Grove, you've never been there. 0.97

02:55:26.000 I've never been there. 0.99

02:55:26.000 We don't know. 0.99

02:55:27.000 We're talking shit. 1.00

02:55:29.000 If you want to, like, take my word at talking shit, that's a problem. 1.00

02:55:33.000 If you want to take my word, if we're just discussing something that we saw on the news, like, what is happening? 0.99

02:55:38.000 What's going on with Roe v.

02:55:39.000 Wade?

02:55:39.000 We don't even know.

02:55:40.000 If that is the case and you want to base your worldview on that, that's not wise.

02:55:45.000 And I would tell people, don't do that.

02:55:47.000 But if you want to stop me from talking about all subjects that I'm not 100% informed on, well, that's not going to happen.

02:55:54.000 So we're gonna have to, like, come to some sort of an agreement here.

02:55:58.000 And one of the agreements is, like, I'm gonna be honest with you.

02:56:00.000 And if I know things, I'm gonna tell you that I absolutely 100% know things.

02:56:04.000 And if I don't, I go, did you hear this thing?

02:56:07.000 What is this?

02:56:08.000 If you want to say I shouldn't talk about this because I don't have a degree in that, or I don't know, or too many people are listening, that's nonsense. 0.94

02:56:15.000 I'm not saying that I'm the fucking end-all be-all end of information here. 0.98

02:56:22.000 Cuckold is a word that I knew from porn. 0.99

02:56:29.000 And then everyone adopted that word. 1.00

02:56:33.000 Now on Twitter, you're just a cuckold. 0.98

02:56:36.000 You don't even know what it means. 0.99

02:56:37.000 I'm going to piss all over this table if we don't stop this podcast right now.

02:56:41.000 I'm going.

02:56:41.000 I'm leaving.

02:56:42.000 We're going to pee.

02:56:43.000 We'll come right back.

02:56:44.000 Oh.

02:56:45.000 Oh, you have to pee.

02:56:47.000 First time Joe Rogan has to pee before me.

02:56:51.000 We're back.

02:56:54.000 The beautiful thing about what we went through when we did the man show was that it let you know that you can't do this with everybody. 0.99

02:57:02.000 The average person is going to look at what we're trying to do and go, fuck that, that's terrible, that's awful. 0.93

02:57:09.000 But it's the same as podcasts. 0.99

02:57:11.000 Your podcast is very successful, so is mine.

02:57:13.000 No, it's not at all.

02:57:14.000 It's fine.

02:57:14.000 The people that love it, love it.

02:57:16.000 The people that love it, love it.

02:57:17.000 You have a diehard group of people. 1.00

02:57:19.000 Don't lie to me, motherfucker. 1.00

02:57:20.000 I know you sell out comedy clubs all over the fucking countries. 1.00

02:57:23.000 When you're doing shows, the people that love it, love it. 0.99

02:57:26.000 Why do they love it?

02:57:27.000 They love it because it's authentically you with no filter.

02:57:30.000 Yeah, but my podcast is not popular, which is fantastic.

02:57:34.000 It's like, okay, if you're into me, alright, this is what backstage is like, and it's pretty boring. 0.99

02:57:41.000 I'm not going out shooting fucking gophers and javelinas like you. 1.00

02:57:48.000 You ever shot a gopher? 1.00

02:57:51.000 Go for or a javelina. 1.00

02:57:53.000 Fuck you talking about? 1.00

02:57:54.000 I thought you weren't shooting javelinas. 1.00

02:57:56.000 No, you were telling me about a javelina that killed- I specifically told you not to come to Bisbee because you would be so bored.

02:58:03.000 Because my real off time is just sitting, drinking, and talking to someone.

02:58:09.000 Well, them javelinas killed your neighbor's dog.

02:58:13.000 That's this javelina dog.

02:58:14.000 That wasn't even javelinas.

02:58:16.000 That was javelinas.

02:58:17.000 The dog was even more vicious.

02:58:20.000 Really?

02:58:21.000 The dog was more vicious?

02:58:23.000 The dog was a dog that you're scared of, and I don't know the type.

02:58:27.000 And the javelinas killed a scary dog?

02:58:29.000 Yeah, very scary dog. 1.00

02:58:31.000 Giant, wolf-like fucking dog. 1.00

02:58:33.000 A javelinas killed a wolf-like dog? 1.00

02:58:35.000 Yeah, it didn't have tusks. 1.00

02:58:38.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:58:39.000 This is 15 years ago, so now I'm imagining it as a fucking... 1.00

02:58:45.000 Werewolf. 0.99

02:58:45.000 But it was a scary dog. 0.99

02:58:47.000 Anyway.

02:58:48.000 But you kill javelinas, haven't you?

02:58:50.000 No, never.

02:58:51.000 Wild pigs, a couple times. 0.99

02:58:53.000 I would kill javelinas. 1.00

02:58:55.000 I killed a few wild pigs. 1.00

02:58:57.000 They're wild pigs, but they're not... 0.54

02:58:59.000 They're not. 0.97

02:58:59.000 They're a peccary. 0.97

02:59:00.000 It's a different animal.

02:59:01.000 Thank you for remembering that word, because every time... 0.91

02:59:06.000 But they look like wild pigs. 0.92

02:59:07.000 Yeah, real similar. 0.83

02:59:08.000 Real similar looking. 1.00

02:59:09.000 They're blind and they knock over your fucking trash. 1.00

02:59:13.000 They're not blind. 1.00

02:59:14.000 Their eyes are not that good. 1.00

02:59:16.000 Same as pigs. 1.00

02:59:17.000 That's the thing they have in common with pigs. 0.97

02:59:19.000 They operate on movement and smell. 0.52

02:59:22.000 Yeah.

02:59:23.000 We have a friend, Neighbor Dave, who's a neighbor, oddly enough. 0.92

02:59:31.000 And he's a big, fat guy.

02:59:34.000 What are you saying?

02:59:36.000 He got treed by Javelinas. 0.91

02:59:39.000 He used to run a route.

02:59:41.000 That was his job.

02:59:42.000 He was running routes for Frito-Lay, going to Walmart and...

02:59:47.000 And all the surrounding towns.

02:59:49.000 And he would have to get up at 4 in the morning.

02:59:52.000 So he jumped up in the back of his pickup truck because Javelinas had gotten inside his gate. 0.99

02:59:59.000 Holy shit. 0.98

03:00:00.000 And he got treed in the back of his... 1.00

03:00:02.000 Holy shit. 1.00

03:00:04.000 He's the fucking roly-poly man from the Eggman from Capitol Hill. 1.00

03:00:11.000 Dude, javelinas are fucking terrifying. 1.00

03:00:13.000 And he had to sit there for like four... 0.99

03:00:15.000 He was late for work because he had to wait for them to leave.

03:00:20.000 Jesus.

03:00:21.000 Yeah.

03:00:21.000 They're the most callable animal.

03:00:26.000 There's animals that you can call in, like turkeys, and you're like...

03:00:31.000 And turkeys will come in and they think it's another turkey.

03:00:34.000 Javelinas are the most callable animal because you call them in like you're dying.

03:00:38.000 You make a screaming noise.

03:00:42.000 If javelinas think you're in pain, they come running in full clip.

03:00:46.000 This is a QAnon conspiracy. 1.00

03:00:48.000 There's videos of it.

03:00:50.000 Javelinas react better than any animal that I've ever seen that reacts to a call.

03:00:56.000 Like, the calls that they use when they hunt javelinas, and javelinas are very edible, by the way.

03:01:01.000 They're really delicious, apparently, if you cook them right.

03:01:03.000 We live in javelina territory, and we just had this conversation of people that kill javelina, and they go, ugh.

03:01:10.000 No, my friends who know how to hunt, they've killed them and they've prepared them properly.

03:01:15.000 They say they're delicious. 0.78

03:01:16.000 They say it tastes a lot like wild pigs.

03:01:18.000 But the same thing people say about wild pigs.

03:01:20.000 They're not good to eat, but they're very good to eat.

03:01:23.000 I want to shoot on this taco place. 1.00

03:01:28.000 I got so fucked. 1.00

03:01:29.000 I didn't tell anyone in Austin I was here. 0.99

03:01:31.000 And there's a very Austin taco place involved in my hotel. 0.98

03:01:39.000 So I got here two days early so Joe Rogan could finally tell me where the fuck I'm supposed to go. 0.96

03:01:48.000 He could have called me, ladies and gentlemen. 0.97

03:01:49.000 He didn't text me.

03:01:50.000 He used our friend Kerry.

03:01:54.000 You didn't text me. 0.99

03:01:55.000 Last time I had to fucking go through Red Band. 0.98

03:01:58.000 Just tell me where the studio is. 0.98

03:02:00.000 Whenever you ever text me where I didn't text you back.

03:02:02.000 Because I know you're busy.

03:02:03.000 Yeah, that's the problem. 0.99

03:02:04.000 Yeah, you're fucking dealing with fucking TMZ or something. 0.99

03:02:08.000 I don't deal with anybody. 1.00

03:02:09.000 It's in your head.

03:02:10.000 Anyway, tacos.

03:02:17.000 I'm not going to say the name of the place, but it's attached to my hotel.

03:02:22.000 I got in late on Sunday.

03:02:25.000 Today is Tuesday.

03:02:26.000 I know we're doing the thing on Tuesday.

03:02:28.000 I don't know if it's the podcast or the show.

03:02:31.000 I told you it was the show.

03:02:32.000 You don't listen.

03:02:33.000 Yeah, it was the show, but I didn't know about the podcast.

03:02:35.000 But the podcast and the show.

03:02:37.000 I told you both.

03:02:38.000 Well, it wasn't in the text feed.

03:02:40.000 We talked on the phone.

03:02:41.000 The point is, I don't want to bother you.

03:02:44.000 You should have a Chaley or a Hennigan. 0.99

03:02:46.000 I can call the guy that's not bothered with fucking life. 0.99

03:02:51.000 I'm going to tell you what I said to Al Madrigal one time. 0.98

03:02:54.000 Al Madrigal was talking to me about having an assistant. 1.00

03:02:57.000 I go, just do less shit. 1.00

03:02:59.000 If you need an assistant, do less shit. 1.00

03:03:02.000 You don't want an assistant. 1.00

03:03:03.000 You have some person in your life.

03:03:05.000 It's unmanageable.

03:03:07.000 Maybe I'm giving bad advice.

03:03:09.000 Maybe he's better off with that.

03:03:10.000 But for me, I don't want anybody that's giving me my schedule every day.

03:03:16.000 I have no interest in that.

03:03:20.000 I will do less things.

03:03:22.000 Less things.

03:03:22.000 You're probably drunk less often than me, so I have to count on a guy.

03:03:27.000 Even if I was drunk all day.

03:03:29.000 What did I say last night?

03:03:29.000 What did I say?

03:03:31.000 Did I agree to do something?

03:03:33.000 Still.

03:03:34.000 With you?

03:03:34.000 Yeah, still.

03:03:36.000 I forget my point. 0.99

03:03:38.000 Tonight, we're gonna have a good fucking time. 0.99

03:03:41.000 Yeah, I know the chunk. 0.99

03:03:44.000 Because when I did Skank Fest...

03:03:48.000 Or you're doing this show, that show, the other show, and they're like, I don't do 15 minutes.

03:03:55.000 Like, you don't.

03:03:56.000 Right.

03:03:56.000 You do chunks.

03:03:58.000 Every bit is 15 minutes.

03:03:59.000 So I learned, okay, during Skank Fest, okay, this is, whatever, 12, 15, 8 minutes, I don't know.

03:04:07.000 But I know how it begins and ends, so that's what I'm doing tonight, is the bits that you tried to lead me into...

03:04:16.000 And I went, I'll save that.

03:04:19.000 I'm not going to burn material.

03:04:21.000 Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, if you get this, it'll be too late.

03:04:23.000 Yep.

03:04:24.000 While you're listening is the next day, and we've already gone over this.

03:04:28.000 I think I've done two Texas tours where I have not purposely done Austin, which is, in Texas, my biggest draw.

03:04:39.000 Why have you purposely not done Austin?

03:04:41.000 Because I'm waiting out of fucking respect for you to have a thing open. 0.82

03:04:45.000 And you've had some... 0.96

03:04:47.000 I appreciate that.

03:04:48.000 ...ups and downs.

03:04:48.000 I appreciate that very much.

03:04:50.000 Well, it's not really been ups and downs.

03:04:52.000 It was a little bit of a down, but honestly, the up that came after the down is way better.

03:04:56.000 The place we have now is a way better location.

03:04:59.000 It's a way better situation.

03:05:01.000 We've got an amazing architect.

03:05:02.000 We've got everybody here.

03:05:04.000 And also, all the people that we hired had a chance to just relax for a year and just chill out.

03:05:09.000 Financially, for me... 0.82

03:05:13.000 When I showed up here, still not knowing what we're doing, after I asked you for details of where's and when's and what's, and I got fucking radio silence. 0.92

03:05:23.000 You didn't ask me. 0.95

03:05:24.000 All I know.

03:05:25.000 Hang on.

03:05:25.000 You asked an old phone.

03:05:28.000 I guarantee you.

03:05:29.000 I'll show you the phone.

03:05:30.000 Oh, do you want...

03:05:31.000 There's nothing on my phone.

03:05:33.000 Do you want to lose a bet?

03:05:34.000 These are all...

03:05:34.000 Yeah, 100%.

03:05:35.000 These are all...

03:05:35.000 See these texts right here?

03:05:37.000 Douglas, Douglas, Douglas.

03:05:38.000 See these texts?

03:05:39.000 They're all from me to you.

03:05:41.000 All of them.

03:05:42.000 The last one, from you to me...

03:05:45.000 I asked, where do I have to be when?

03:05:47.000 And you said, fantastic, can't wait to see you. 0.99

03:05:50.000 Without giving me any fucking details. 0.99

03:05:53.000 That's accurate. 0.99

03:05:53.000 That is accurate. 0.99

03:05:54.000 And if you want to scroll back to a year ago...

03:05:57.000 But then under that, I tell you when and where.

03:06:00.000 And it's yesterday.

03:06:01.000 I tell you yesterday.

03:06:02.000 That was after I ate 50 milligrams.

03:06:05.000 I understand what you're saying, but I had given you the date and the time.

03:06:09.000 I really had.

03:06:10.000 It's just like you had forgotten.

03:06:12.000 So I gave it to you again.

03:06:13.000 It's all good.

03:06:14.000 No, I didn't know that.

03:06:16.000 I'm very happy.

03:06:17.000 I just want to be right.

03:06:19.000 I want to be right.

03:06:20.000 You're right. 1.00

03:06:21.000 I suck. 1.00

03:06:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:06:26.000 Roseanne Barr.

03:06:29.000 That's my girl.

03:06:30.000 Okay.

03:06:30.000 We're going to see her tonight.

03:06:31.000 I love her to death. 0.98

03:06:33.000 Roseanne Barr, I reached out to her immediately after all that bullshit happened with her, and I said, listen, they don't know you. 0.98

03:06:39.000 They don't understand what's happening. 0.93

03:06:41.000 I go, if you want to come to my podcast and talk about it. 0.99

03:06:44.000 And then people started showing up with fucking news organizations and shit outside of my studio. 0.99

03:06:49.000 This is another conversation we have to have off the air. 0.99

03:06:52.000 Okay.

03:06:53.000 Because that night, I was fancying myself a Ray Donovan.

03:06:59.000 And I go, what you should do is Joe Rogan's podcast.

03:07:04.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 1.00

03:07:05.000 Don't say shit. 1.00

03:07:06.000 I'll show you these texts. 1.00

03:07:08.000 That's hilarious.

03:07:08.000 Look at everything.

03:07:10.000 Well, it's like my thing to her that I said to her when she first came on the show, I said, I think you're one of the greatest comics of all time.

03:07:17.000 And I said, and I know you.

03:07:19.000 And also I know what happened to you and what people don't know about Roseanne Barr is that Roseanne Barr was hit by a car when she was 15 and she was put in a mental institution for nine months.

03:07:30.000 She had a severe brain injury and so the benefits of her chaos Where Roseanne, the television show, her HBO specials, her amazing stand-up, is this wild, creative, unhinged person.

03:07:46.000 But the reason for that was because of a traumatic brain injury.

03:07:51.000 And I love her as a comic, and I love her as a person, and I love her as what she did for comedy.

03:07:57.000 She's one of the best comics of all time.

03:07:59.000 She's one of the best women comics that's ever lived. 0.99

03:08:02.000 Top 20 comedians that have ever lived, you put Roseanne in there because she was a monster in her prime. 1.00

03:08:08.000 She was a monster. 0.98

03:08:09.000 I remember seeing her first on HBO. In her prime. 0.95

03:08:12.000 She showed up in 2016. It's in that fucking, whatever, No Encore for the Donkey. 1.00

03:08:19.000 She showed up and did guest sets in Colorado Springs and Salt Lake City. 0.99

03:08:27.000 That's awesome. 0.99

03:08:29.000 And fucking destroyed. 0.96

03:08:31.000 I don't know if you know Christine Levine, one of my favorite comedians. 1.00

03:08:36.000 She's like most of my friends, fucked. 0.98

03:08:39.000 But best comic. 1.00

03:08:42.000 And I was hosting.

03:08:44.000 I was doing a tour where I was hosting because I was trying to work out right after a special came out.

03:08:50.000 Alright, why don't I host, bring two headliner comics.

03:08:54.000 Good move, yeah. 0.83

03:08:55.000 And I can do 15, 15, 15. Yeah.

03:08:59.000 So you get enough of me that you paid for.

03:09:02.000 Great idea.

03:09:03.000 So she happened to be in Colorado and Salt Lake, where she's from Salt Lake, but she grew up in Denver.

03:09:11.000 So she showed up twice. 0.99

03:09:13.000 Christine Levine is a woman of a proportionate size and very... 1.00

03:09:21.000 Roseanne Barr-like.

03:09:22.000 So I would introduce her saying, a lot of people call her the next Roseanne Barr, and I would bring her up to do 10 to 15. Then I go, we have a special guest who's a local act, and we can all take a little bit of time to support a local act that's from here.

03:09:45.000 They call her the next Roseanne Barr.

03:09:47.000 Here's Roseanne Barr. 0.99

03:09:49.000 And she'd come up with a baseball hat and it would take like 10 seconds for people to go, oh fuck, that is Roseanne Barr. 1.00

03:10:00.000 Wow. 0.62

03:10:00.000 And crush and she so now she's she's just signed on to do of some Fox has a like a Paramount Plus or a whatever plus a streaming service I'll never figure out but she just and she's like hey I just signed a thing to do this in September and I need help from working on a new act and And I talk to her for, 0.62

03:10:29.000 like you and Adele, over an hour.

03:10:32.000 Is this recently?

03:10:33.000 Yeah.

03:10:34.000 So she has a new deal? 0.97

03:10:35.000 They fucked up so hard when they canceled her, when they got rid of her off that show and that show went away. 0.98

03:10:40.000 She canceled herself. 0.99

03:10:42.000 You don't get canceled as a comic. 1.00

03:10:44.000 We're fucking breathing life into this bullshit. 1.00

03:10:47.000 They fired her from her own television show. 1.00

03:10:49.000 They 100% canceled her. 0.95

03:10:51.000 They fired her from her own show. 1.00

03:10:53.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

03:10:53.000 I thought we were talking about stand-up comedians.

03:10:56.000 I'm talking about Roseanne, like when she did her show.

03:10:58.000 The day after Louis C.K. got canceled, he could have sold out five times as many people across the street from me.

03:11:08.000 That's true.

03:11:08.000 But that's Louis doing live stand-up and he wanted to take a break, but Roseanne got fired from her own show.

03:11:14.000 And then they tried to do the show without her.

03:11:16.000 And it was a giant mistake.

03:11:17.000 It was just like... 0.99

03:11:18.000 She should have been fucking cancelled from her own show. 1.00

03:11:22.000 She's crazy out of her tits. 1.00

03:11:24.000 And this is something we'll talk about off the air. 1.00

03:11:27.000 But isn't that what made her show amazing in the early days when she had Roseanne, the original show? 0.96

03:11:32.000 Not when she's fucking texting me that people from Saturn are invading our country. 0.97

03:11:38.000 Like the fucking guy, she sent me text messages at the same time as Dima from the Ukraine was saying, you must tell people about this. 0.99

03:11:48.000 She was texting me. 0.99

03:11:50.000 We need to let people know that people from Saturn, and I go, I don't care about immigrants as long as they pay the cover charge. 1.00

03:11:59.000 She just needs a platform. 1.00

03:12:01.000 If Roseanne wants to talk about Saturn people, come sit with me.

03:12:04.000 I'll talk to her about people from Saturn.

03:12:06.000 We're going to be okay.

03:12:08.000 She's fine.

03:12:09.000 Alex Jones is fine.

03:12:11.000 You're fine.

03:12:12.000 What about you?

03:12:14.000 I feel pretty good.

03:12:18.000 Douglas! 1.00

03:12:20.000 Let's get the fuck out of here and go do a show. 1.00

03:12:22.000 We nailed this show. 0.99

03:12:24.000 This was a good one.

03:12:25.000 This was you and me, like legit.

03:12:26.000 This felt like normal.

03:12:27.000 I don't know what happened last time.

03:12:29.000 It was a long time, man. 1.00

03:12:31.000 There's a fucking pandemic. 1.00

03:12:32.000 There's a lot of shit. 1.00

03:12:33.000 I cried when I left here because you fucking walked off the fucking thing and then wouldn't even say goodbye to me. 1.00

03:12:40.000 That's not true. 1.00

03:12:41.000 I hugged you.

03:12:42.000 Listen, you talked to me about it afterwards, and I tried to console you.

03:12:45.000 I go, dude, it was fine.

03:12:46.000 It was fun.

03:12:47.000 It was just awkward.

03:12:48.000 Like, when things are awkward sometimes, people... 0.97

03:12:50.000 Look, we were all going through some weird shit. 0.85

03:12:53.000 It was the first time I had left the house after 18 months. 0.99

03:12:57.000 It was fucking weird. 0.97

03:12:58.000 It was hard to get loose. 0.99

03:12:59.000 This show, we came in, we got loose, and it was normal.

03:13:02.000 It felt like 100% like you and me together.

03:13:04.000 But it's okay.

03:13:07.000 That's good for everybody to see.

03:13:09.000 This is life. 1.00

03:13:10.000 Life is fucking... 1.00

03:13:11.000 I didn't know what the fuck today was going to be like. 1.00

03:13:13.000 There's so many people in Bisbee. 0.99

03:13:15.000 I live in a town of 5,000 people away.

03:13:18.000 They don't even know what stand-up comedy is.

03:13:21.000 They don't know Sebastian Maniscalco or...

03:13:26.000 I said, if I went up and down my neighborhood and knocked on doors going, do you know who Louis C.K. or Dave Chappelle are?

03:13:35.000 They would go, why are you at my door?

03:13:37.000 They don't know, but even my UPS man, right before I left, to come out and do this, hey, I listened to Yon Rogan.

03:13:51.000 I'm going back there, but I don't know for what.

03:13:54.000 Let's just delete the old one.

03:13:55.000 Let's delete the last one.

03:13:57.000 No!

03:13:57.000 I'll call Spotify right now.

03:13:58.000 I would never watch it.

03:14:00.000 I'll tell them you say the end word.

03:14:01.000 We'll delete it.

03:14:02.000 Two podcasts with you. 0.98

03:14:05.000 Even in my book about 2016, I wrote, I could not watch that end of the world podcast because I was so fucked. 0.87

03:14:16.000 Doug, I don't watch any of my podcasts. 0.97

03:14:18.000 No, I don't either.

03:14:19.000 That's good.

03:14:20.000 It's good.

03:14:20.000 Just keep moving.

03:14:21.000 But this was for the book, and I knew it would be so hard for me to watch.

03:14:29.000 That's where I think my wife might die, but I'm not going to cancel End of the World Trump Election podcast, because I put it together, and I called you, and I go... 0.99

03:14:41.000 Before Bingo was in a coma, I called you, I go, I don't think, and you go, no, fuck that! 0.99

03:14:48.000 We have to do this! 1.00

03:14:50.000 Yeah, you had to keep doing it.

03:14:51.000 And then I thought, if I said, oh wait, now my wife's in a coma, he's going to act like that's the dog ate my homework excuse.

03:15:01.000 I just wanted you to have something that would distract you from something you couldn't control.

03:15:07.000 And I felt like at least if you could get out and do something, we would hang out together.

03:15:12.000 Like, you can't control how she recovers.

03:15:16.000 And thank God she recovered.

03:15:17.000 But you can't control that.

03:15:19.000 And we were in a situation where you had an opportunity to do this thing, and I was like, let's just do this thing.

03:15:24.000 It's like, if you don't want to do it, I understand, but I think it would be good.

03:15:27.000 It was brilliant, but not because of me.

03:15:29.000 You guys, you and Bill Burr carried that.

03:15:32.000 Well, I had to leave because I did a set in the OR, and I found out that Sarah Tiana and Bill Burr got in a tremendous argument, and I wish that I had the courage to go back and listen to the podcast and find that.

03:15:44.000 I can't.

03:15:45.000 That's the only thing I wanted to see.

03:15:46.000 I wrote that in the book.

03:15:49.000 I will tell you everything, but I will not watch that because I would hate myself so much. 0.98

03:15:55.000 But I know what, I was under duress and fucking... 0.99

03:16:00.000 Yeah, you were. 1.00

03:16:00.000 You were, but it was okay. 1.00

03:16:02.000 Freaked out.

03:16:02.000 It was fun.

03:16:02.000 Even the fact that Hannigan kept bringing people on the stage.

03:16:05.000 Like, why is there eight people on the stage?

03:16:06.000 I remember you.

03:16:07.000 It was all fun.

03:16:08.000 Why is it...

03:16:09.000 I go...

03:16:10.000 We should have more diversity on this stage.

03:16:13.000 Yeah, that's what he said. 1.00

03:16:13.000 I go, get the fuck out of here, Hollywood boy. 1.00

03:16:16.000 I kicked him into the backstage. 1.00

03:16:17.000 I remember Alan Manson called you on the phone.

03:16:19.000 I go, hang up on him.

03:16:20.000 I go, he's right back there. 1.00

03:16:22.000 He could walk right through the fucking stage. 1.00

03:16:24.000 He would not come on stage. 1.00

03:16:25.000 He was supposed to come on stage.

03:16:26.000 I go, come on, hang up on him.

03:16:28.000 Because he was calling you.

03:16:29.000 I was like, hang up!

03:16:30.000 Hang up! 0.97

03:16:32.000 That dirt. 1.00

03:16:33.000 Marilyn Manson is so fucking beautiful. 0.98

03:16:37.000 He's the most gentle person. 0.78

03:16:42.000 And what happened that night, before we even got to End of the World, is in the book.

03:16:47.000 And I've not been sued yet.

03:16:49.000 What book is this?

03:16:51.000 No Encore for the Donkey.

03:16:53.000 Is that available on Amazon?

03:16:56.000 No, no.

03:16:57.000 It was an Audible exclusive, but now the hard copy's coming out.

03:17:04.000 I told Brian Hennigan, I said, if this is not out in hard copy, by the time I do Rogan, you're fired.

03:17:12.000 Whoa.

03:17:13.000 How is Hennigan still around after the End of the World podcast?

03:17:17.000 You should have told him, you gotta seek your own path, sir.

03:17:21.000 Good luck.

03:17:23.000 We're a family.

03:17:24.000 Give him a sprig of sage and send him into the woods.

03:17:27.000 No.

03:17:29.000 He's here in town.

03:17:31.000 Is he coming tonight?

03:17:34.000 Please tell him.

03:17:34.000 Probably.

03:17:35.000 Please tell him to come tonight.

03:17:36.000 I love him.

03:17:36.000 I'm just jumping around.

03:17:41.000 If it's not out, and now it's my fault, because I have to just fix two sentences in the introduction of the physical copy, because it's only been out on Audible for fucking a year and a half. 0.82

03:17:57.000 Now, well, just write a short introduction.

03:18:00.000 Just write a short introduction, lad.

03:18:03.000 It's almost as hard as writing your own bio. 0.95

03:18:06.000 Yeah, writing your own bio is gross. 1.00

03:18:09.000 Oh my god, it's fucking disgusting. 1.00

03:18:11.000 Let's get out of here. 0.99

03:18:11.000 Doug Stanhope has been thrilling and entertaining clubs and colleges across the United States. 0.99

03:18:18.000 He appeals to both.

03:18:19.000 He is an iconoclast.

03:18:22.000 He says what we're all thinking but we're afraid to say.

03:18:27.000 I love those guys.

03:18:31.000 Douglas, me boy! 1.00

03:18:33.000 I just want to say, fuck Bisbee. 1.00

03:18:40.000 Alright. 1.00

03:18:41.000 That's it.

03:18:43.000 It's like, every place gets weird. 0.99

03:18:48.000 Every fucking place on Earth. 1.00

03:18:50.000 You live in the fucking middle of the desert, people will find you. 1.00

03:18:55.000 Nice shoes. 1.00

03:18:55.000 212 Van Dyke Street. 1.00

03:18:57.000 Hey! 0.99

03:18:57.000 Bisbee, Arizona. 0.99

03:18:58.000 Edit that out.

03:18:59.000 Edit that out.

03:19:00.000 They come to you.

03:19:01.000 No, if you Google Doug...

03:19:03.000 Jamie, Google search Doug Stanhope's address.

03:19:08.000 The problem is not Google searching.

03:19:10.000 The problem is 11 million people listening to you say your address.

03:19:14.000 Don't do that to yourself.

03:19:16.000 Your ratings have dropped.

03:19:17.000 I thought it was 30. Might be 80. Schizophrenics.

03:19:21.000 They'll come. 1.00

03:19:21.000 They'll come for you. 1.00

03:19:22.000 You don't want that.

03:19:24.000 Maybe I'll have to do that bit.

03:19:26.000 That's a bit I can only do on stage because I can't do it on a podcast.

03:19:31.000 Jack, listen to me, boy.

03:19:33.000 This podcast is...

03:19:33.000 Get me out of here!

03:19:34.000 How many hours long is this?

03:19:36.000 Jamie.

03:19:37.000 It's like, it's a lot.

03:19:38.000 You pissed first!

03:19:40.000 I did.

03:19:41.000 I did piss first.

03:19:44.000 VulcanATX.com, that's where we're at tonight.

03:19:46.000 Doug Stanhope, I love you to death.

03:19:48.000 I'm glad we went through this together, all of it, including the last podcast, and then this one, which is perfect.

03:19:55.000 The last one was like, it's good.

03:19:58.000 Gotta take a loss sometimes.

03:20:00.000 Gotta feel bad.

03:20:00.000 I cried after that last podcast.

03:20:03.000 You gotta feel bad!

03:20:04.000 Literally.

03:20:04.000 I've had bad ones.

03:20:05.000 I sent you a video.

03:20:06.000 I left here so dejected because you wouldn't talk to me after the podcast.

03:20:10.000 That's not true.

03:20:11.000 That's not true.

03:20:12.000 Well, that's how I remember it.

03:20:14.000 No, no, no, no, no.

03:20:14.000 Truth is how you remember it.

03:20:16.000 Douglas, Douglas.

03:20:17.000 But I sent you a video.

03:20:18.000 That's not true.

03:20:19.000 I hugged you.

03:20:19.000 I said goodbye.

03:20:20.000 You left. 1.00

03:20:21.000 My fucking security guard picked you up on the road. 1.00

03:20:23.000 That's what I was getting to. 1.00

03:20:25.000 Yeah.

03:20:25.000 You forgot.

03:20:25.000 I thought a fan.

03:20:28.000 I know.

03:20:29.000 It was my first time leaving the house after 18 months and I drove out here.

03:20:35.000 But you can't say that I didn't say goodbye to you.

03:20:36.000 That's not true.

03:20:38.000 It's not true.

03:20:39.000 But that might not be true.

03:20:40.000 You were frustrated at the awkwardness of the last podcast.

03:20:44.000 That's all it was.

03:20:45.000 I'm just getting to the point where I'm walking, it's like three blocks from a hotel, and a guy pulled up and goes, Hey Stan Hope!

03:20:56.000 And I thought, it's a random fan.

03:20:59.000 Yeah, you'd met him a couple hours earlier.

03:21:03.000 Well, I was walking home all...

03:21:05.000 Like, I might as well have a stick and a...

03:21:09.000 Like, I'm...

03:21:12.000 I'm humbling my way off.

03:21:14.000 Like, Tom...

03:21:15.000 Yeah, my security guy calls me and he's like, I don't think he's doing so good.

03:21:19.000 It's on video.

03:21:20.000 If you want to put that video on this... 0.99

03:21:22.000 No, I don't want people to see my fucking security guy's face. 0.99

03:21:25.000 Oh, look for him. 0.99

03:21:27.000 Google search.

03:21:28.000 Your security guy.

03:21:31.000 You had like nine of them.

03:21:33.000 You gotta have a few. 0.99

03:21:34.000 They're all fucking Navy SEAL Team 6. Well, it's good to have strong men to protect you from Doug Stanhope's whims. 0.99

03:21:42.000 But I was so dejected like I fucked up the last podcast. 0.81

03:21:46.000 But you didn't, Doug. 0.98

03:21:47.000 Doug, you didn't.

03:21:48.000 But the point is, for the listeners, I'm walking home.

03:21:52.000 It's three blocks to the closest hotel that I've found.

03:21:56.000 Right. 0.99

03:21:56.000 And I'm walking through this industrial field of fucking... 0.99

03:22:01.000 And someone yells, Stan Hope! 0.99

03:22:04.000 And I think it's a fan.

03:22:06.000 And I was so out of my sorts.

03:22:10.000 I go, yes, I will take a random ride from a fan.

03:22:15.000 I thought it was a fan.

03:22:16.000 And then I started filming it.

03:22:20.000 And then I realized, oh, this is not a fan. 1.00

03:22:23.000 This is one of your fucking security people. 0.99

03:22:26.000 I think he kind of had to explain that to you. 1.00

03:22:28.000 Yeah! 1.00

03:22:29.000 It's fucked! 1.00

03:22:30.000 Yeah, don't do that. 1.00

03:22:31.000 Don't just jump into people's cars.

03:22:32.000 If there's any message we can get out today that can help everyone, don't jump into people's cars.

03:22:41.000 I'm sorry if I'm promoting the time that it went well that I jumped.

03:22:45.000 I'm going to ask me, boy!

03:22:48.000 Let's wrap this up.

03:22:49.000 Get me out of here.

03:22:50.000 Instagram, please. 1.00

03:22:52.000 Give him back his fucking account. 1.00

03:22:53.000 I love you, Instagram. 1.00

03:22:55.000 I know you're fucking censoring people and shadow banning. 0.99

03:23:01.000 I never said anything on there. 0.98

03:23:03.000 Brian Hennigan just put up random tweets. 0.95

03:23:07.000 He's a terrible person. 1.00

03:23:08.000 He's a terrible person. 1.00

03:23:09.000 Look who he's done to you. 0.75

03:23:10.000 If you reinstate my Instagram...

03:23:15.000 Take credit.

03:23:16.000 So it's not all these other people that say, I did it myself.

03:23:21.000 I think we can make that happen. 0.94

03:23:22.000 But shout out to all the people that are out there managing social media, trying to deal with all the fucking armies of people putting content up 24-7. 0.96

03:23:31.000 I can't imagine managing at scale. 0.97

03:23:36.000 Douglas, survivor of COVID, great stand-up comedian, friend of mine for life tonight.

03:23:43.000 We're going to have some fun.

03:23:44.000 That's it.

03:23:45.000 Goodbye, everybody.

03:23:46.000 God bless.

03:23:47.000 Hari Krishna.

03:23:48.000 Take us out, big girl. 1.00

03:23:50.000 Okay, bye-bye now.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 04, 2022

Joe Rogan Experience #1812 - Doug Stanhope

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