The Joe Rogan Experience - September 01, 2022


Joe Rogan Experience #1866 - Protect Our Parks 5

Topics
Kill Tony crying on planes calculator watches black box transcript sumo wrestling sumo Nate Marquardt UFC career Mark Hunt Brock Lesnar UFC tattoos jerk off Dangerfields prom shows Adam Driver Daily Wire podcast conference movies suck now Killian Keeves sketches climate activists at Vatican climate change sea level rise from Greenland ice melt climate change laying down in front of traffic UFC reaction videos skateboarding school shootings hookers following Martin Lawrence dealing with negatives and positives Tiger Woods golf commercial scary Sober Octobers Fear Factor suck
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Protect Our Parks 5
Mentioned
Trump Jamie Foxx Nate Marquardt Mark Norman Leon Edwards Dude Jim Rohn Chris Everett Chael Sonnen Hunter Biden Madonna Joe Rogan Podcast J.R.R. Tolkien Jon Stewart Dave Chappelle Adam Driver Jim Rome Andrew Breitbart Al Franken Kill Tony Martin Lawrence and 130 more
Joe Rogan Experience #1865 - Aaron Rodgers JRE MMA Show #128 with Kamaru Usman

Episode Stats


Length

3 hours and 55 minutes

Words per minute

196.5

Word count

46,181

Sentence count

7,537

Harmful content

Misogyny

252

sentences flagged

Toxicity

2,152

sentences flagged

Hate speech

183

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

A guy wakes up with jizz in his ass, and it's not his own. Also, a guy with a strange birth defect ejaculates out of his ass and thinks it's other people's jizz. And a guy who wakes up after a night of drinking and doesn't remember what happened to him. And we talk about a strange case of rectal ejaculation in which a 33-year-old male with a history of illicit drug use with drugs was treated with PBR and Zivactam to treat the problem. Further investigation revealed the man was in a comatose state due to cocaine and other drugs, and that he had to go to the doctor to have the problem fixed. And that's not even the end of it. We also talk about the gay guy who farts after sex and thinks his jizz is other guys' jizz, and how he wakes up from a night out with other guys. And how he doesn't even realize it's his own jizz up there. And why he's not alone. Joe and Sarah talk about this and much more on this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience! the podcast by day, and The Joe Rogans Podcast by night, all day, all by night. If you like what you hear, you'll love this episode. . And if you don't like it, you should listen to it by night and drink it in the middle of the night, because it's better than the morning after you have a glass of ice on the border of the border, because you won't be able to see the stars in the morning and the next day. And you'll be fine, because they're not drinking any more ice, you're not going to have to be sober any more than you'll just have to drink any other kind of drink in the afternoon, right? Just like the rest of the day, right in front of you'll have to get up at 7:00am, and you'll know it's going to be fine by 7:30pm, right after you've had a good night, right at 7pm, and then they'll have a good day, no matter what you're going to sleep well enough to sleep better that night after the night before. ...and that's right after sex, right right after they've had enough of that night, they'll be ready for the day and they'll get some rest and they won't need it.

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!
00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.
00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
00:00:12.000 When you're on an IUD, you don't get periods?
00:00:14.000 No, that's one of the perks.
00:00:15.000 Yeah.
00:00:17.000 There's one of them you get like one period a year.
00:00:19.000 Are we up?
00:00:20.000 Okay, we're rolling.
00:00:21.000 We're talking about menstruation.
00:00:22.000 Yeah.
00:00:24.000 So when you're on an IUD, you don't get periods?
00:00:26.000 No, no, my lady does not.
00:00:27.000 Where does it go? 1.00
00:00:28.000 It comes out of her ass. 1.00
00:00:30.000 But I mean, I've read about a guy. 1.00
00:00:32.000 Maybe I have an IUD. I read about a guy who has like some weird fucking birth defect where he comes out of his ass. 1.00
00:00:37.000 Those are called gays. 1.00
00:00:38.000 No, no, no, no. 0.84
00:00:39.000 That's other people's come.
00:00:40.000 It's right after sex.
00:00:41.000 See if you find that.
00:00:44.000 Let's start with this. 0.99
00:00:45.000 Some guy has some weird issue where he was ejaculating out of his anus. 0.99
00:00:51.000 Here we go, everybody! 0.99
00:00:53.000 That's pretty nice.
00:00:54.000 That sounds pretty good.
00:00:55.000 Like, must feel great.
00:00:56.000 Yeah, it feels great.
00:00:58.000 I don't think so. 1.00
00:00:59.000 Because then it would feel like you have jizz in your butt and it's not even yours. 1.00
00:01:02.000 Curious case of rectal ejaculation. 1.00
00:01:05.000 Of course, it's in Florida.
00:01:07.000 Rectal prostate fistulas are uncommon anatomical connections between the prostatic urethra and rectum that are typically... 0.87
00:01:18.000 Say that word. 0.63
00:01:20.000 Typically.
00:01:26.000 Iatrogenic, but can also result from other underlying pathology.
00:01:31.000 Here we present a unique case of a rectal prostate fistula causing the rectal passage of sperm.
00:01:38.000 A 33-year-old male with a history of illicit drug use With drugs.
00:01:52.000 He was treated with...
00:02:06.000 Pibracillin to Zivactam.
00:02:08.000 Thank you.
00:02:10.000 Surgical fistula repair was performed.
00:02:13.000 Further investigation default...
00:02:15.000 Fistula.
00:02:16.000 Further investigation divulged a three-week comatose state due to cocaine.
00:02:21.000 Yo! 1.00
00:02:22.000 What is that word?
00:02:26.000 Fensildine intoxication two years prior with documentation suggesting a traumatic Foley catheter placement and strong suspicion for premature balloon dilation of the prosthetic urethra.
00:02:37.000 What is that in English?
00:02:38.000 I don't know what it is. 1.00
00:02:39.000 Maybe someone shoved a balloon up his ass when he was high. 1.00
00:02:41.000 Something happened that was really bad. 1.00
00:02:43.000 That was a guy who went too hard.
00:02:45.000 Too hard.
00:02:46.000 He went too hard.
00:02:47.000 He went too crazy.
00:02:48.000 He enjoyed life. 1.00
00:02:49.000 Imagine going so hard you wake up jizzing out of your ass. 1.00
00:02:51.000 He did. 1.00
00:02:52.000 It's a wild night.
00:02:53.000 People are like, oh, I lost my car keys, and I got kicked out of my house because I didn't pay rent.
00:03:00.000 Oh, yeah? 1.00
00:03:01.000 I cum out of my ass. 1.00
00:03:03.000 I partied so hard. 1.00
00:03:04.000 I cum out of my butt now, dude. 1.00
00:03:05.000 He's just leaking. 1.00
00:03:06.000 The gay guy who fucked him has got to feel good. 1.00
00:03:08.000 Like, look what I did to you. 1.00
00:03:09.000 He farts so good. 0.94
00:03:11.000 Farts bubbles. 1.00
00:03:11.000 Farts cum bubbles out of his ass. 1.00
00:03:13.000 Oh, man. 1.00
00:03:14.000 How about that? 0.80
00:03:15.000 Probably thought it was other guy's jizz, just like, stored away back there.
00:03:17.000 Especially waking up? 0.82
00:03:18.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:03:19.000 Like, holy shit, I gotta fuck him. 1.00
00:03:20.000 How much jizz is up there? 1.00
00:03:21.000 I wonder how many times he did it before he was like, I gotta go to the doctor.
00:03:24.000 Yeah.
00:03:25.000 A long time.
00:03:26.000 Yeah, a man would go like, I had to work itself out.
00:03:28.000 Exactly.
00:03:29.000 A long time.
00:03:29.000 No biggie, just a hole in the pipes.
00:03:31.000 I did fuck a lot of dudes last night. 0.99
00:03:33.000 This seems... 1.00
00:03:34.000 I think a lot of dudes fucked him. 0.99
00:03:35.000 Could be, right. 0.99
00:03:36.000 I think, yeah, there's probably some damage going on.
00:03:38.000 You hold off on that visit as long as you can.
00:03:41.000 This thing's got to sort itself out.
00:03:44.000 Just take a look and tell what you find.
00:03:48.000 Why don't we have glasses and ice?
00:03:51.000 We're in here?
00:03:54.000 Glasses and ice, we're in here?
00:03:55.000 Someone took them away?
00:03:58.000 No dice on the ice?
00:03:59.000 Ice, it's on the border.
00:04:03.000 What are we going to do?
00:04:04.000 Be sober?
00:04:04.000 Jesus Christ, boy.
00:04:05.000 How do the gay guys decide who does the top-bottom? 1.00
00:04:09.000 I think some guys like it.
00:04:11.000 Some guys like bottom, some guys like top.
00:04:13.000 Wouldn't you want to mix and match?
00:04:15.000 Some guys don't want to.
00:04:16.000 Yeah, it feels weird that there's an assigned, you know, one way.
00:04:22.000 It's weird.
00:04:23.000 Yeah, dating's weird.
00:04:26.000 Dating's weird, huh? 0.98
00:04:28.000 Just saying, gay guys, call in. 0.52
00:04:31.000 Didn't they used to have the handkerchief signs? 0.90
00:04:33.000 Wasn't that a thing?
00:04:34.000 No, that was just what people would tell you if you had a handkerchief hanging out. 0.68
00:04:37.000 They'd be like, you know, that means you're gay. 0.98
00:04:39.000 If you got an earring, they'd be like, that means you're a bottom. 0.97
00:04:42.000 Different handkerchief colors meant different things.
00:04:44.000 Right, there was always a thing where you had, like, if your pants were rolled up on one side.
00:04:50.000 Yes!
00:04:50.000 And then there was the tap in the bathroom.
00:04:54.000 I think that one's legit.
00:04:55.000 That's real?
00:04:56.000 That's like some weird stuff with guys who are in the closet.
00:04:59.000 Who, like, go to restrooms at airports. 0.98
00:05:02.000 That's like congressman gay. 0.98
00:05:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99
00:05:04.000 That's another level of gay. 1.00
00:05:05.000 I mean, that's exactly what happened to a senator. 0.98
00:05:07.000 That's right.
00:05:07.000 That's where I learned about it.
00:05:09.000 So this is yours?
00:05:10.000 Bodega Cat?
00:05:11.000 That's me and Sam Earl's new rye.
00:05:13.000 Let's try it.
00:05:14.000 Tastes great.
00:05:15.000 Crack it open.
00:05:16.000 It's for sale now online.
00:05:18.000 It's called Bodega Cat Straight Rye Whiskey.
00:05:21.000 How long has it aged for?
00:05:22.000 A week.
00:05:23.000 A week.
00:05:24.000 Does it age at all?
00:05:25.000 Oh, sure.
00:05:27.000 Big age.
00:05:27.000 Don't lie to me.
00:05:28.000 Don't lie to me.
00:05:29.000 I don't know anything about the aging.
00:05:30.000 I thought it was aged.
00:05:31.000 How much do you know about whiskey?
00:05:33.000 He drinks a lot of it.
00:05:34.000 Just the taste.
00:05:35.000 I know rye and whiskey are different.
00:05:38.000 What got me into whiskey was late night shows at the cellar with you and Sam and Mackie drinking Bullet Rye on the Rocks.
00:05:45.000 Yeah!
00:05:45.000 Yeah, love a good rye.
00:05:47.000 Gentlemen, to, what is this, episode four or five?
00:05:50.000 Five.
00:05:50.000 Five?
00:05:51.000 Is it five?
00:05:52.000 We have protected zero parks. 1.00
00:05:54.000 Yeah, fuck the parks. 1.00
00:05:57.000 Protect our parks is 100% unsuccessful. 1.00
00:05:59.000 I drove by it the other day. 0.99
00:06:01.000 I'm like, god damn it. 0.98
00:06:02.000 It's just all flattened. 0.98
00:06:04.000 Thank you. 0.96
00:06:05.000 Pretty fucking good. 0.98
00:06:05.000 We tasted like 10 different ryes. 0.98
00:06:07.000 Oh, come on! 0.99
00:06:09.000 Oh, God.
00:06:09.000 I'm trying to sell this here, Rogan.
00:06:11.000 It's pretty good.
00:06:14.000 It's right next to Buffalo Trace.
00:06:15.000 It's a hard sell.
00:06:16.000 Well, one's a rock.
00:06:17.000 We gotta do a blind test test.
00:06:19.000 I'm more of a bodega cat.
00:06:21.000 Thank you.
00:06:21.000 You like it dark?
00:06:22.000 Yeah, I usually don't like this shit. 1.00
00:06:24.000 This is actually pretty good. 1.00
00:06:25.000 You like it with a little fucking kick to it? 1.00
00:06:28.000 That's a kick. 1.00
00:06:30.000 That's hoity-toity.
00:06:40.000 I love the comedians involved, so I'll support it.
00:06:46.000 Alright, thank you. 0.99
00:06:47.000 I like a fucking good, harsh whiskey. 0.99
00:06:48.000 I like a shot of Jack before a show. 1.00
00:06:50.000 Hell yeah! 0.95
00:06:51.000 But I don't sip it and savor it like an old scotch.
00:06:54.000 Jack's not a sippin'. 0.97
00:06:55.000 No way.
00:06:56.000 Yeah.
00:06:57.000 It's good for a boilermaker. 0.66
00:06:59.000 You take a shot in a beer. 1.00
00:07:00.000 It's good right before a show where you just down one and go, let's fucking go! 0.99
00:07:04.000 Yeah, dude. 0.99
00:07:04.000 Woo! 0.99
00:07:05.000 Yeah.
00:07:06.000 Boys.
00:07:06.000 Paint thinner.
00:07:07.000 Good to see ya.
00:07:08.000 Good to be back.
00:07:09.000 Always good to see you guys.
00:07:11.000 Very exciting.
00:07:12.000 Very exciting.
00:07:13.000 Ari, how long did it take you to recover from the last one?
00:07:16.000 Solid day.
00:07:17.000 I think I was okay saying goodbye.
00:07:18.000 Did I seem okay saying goodbye?
00:07:19.000 No.
00:07:20.000 He didn't say goodbye.
00:07:21.000 He slept on the floor for at least an hour, and I stayed until he left.
00:07:25.000 And it was several hours.
00:07:27.000 But I was like, hey, see ya, man.
00:07:28.000 Yeah, you were good.
00:07:29.000 Yeah, you recovered.
00:07:30.000 You had a big smile on your face. 1.00
00:07:32.000 You had cum coming out of your ass. 1.00
00:07:36.000 I was pretty banged up. 1.00
00:07:37.000 That took me a week.
00:07:38.000 A week?
00:07:39.000 Well, because then I went to Kill Tony.
00:07:41.000 And you kept drinking?
00:07:42.000 How many did you have that day in total?
00:07:44.000 I don't know.
00:07:45.000 Probably had five or six at Kill Tony at least.
00:07:47.000 Kill Tony's a blur.
00:07:48.000 Probably around 30, yeah.
00:07:50.000 I had to watch part of that on YouTube to be like, oh yeah.
00:07:53.000 That show is so important.
00:07:54.000 I didn't watch any of that.
00:07:55.000 It's such a good show for comedy.
00:07:57.000 It sets comics up, like the young people coming up, it sets them up like on the right path.
00:08:02.000 Just be funny.
00:08:03.000 Would've been nice if we had that when we were starting.
00:08:04.000 It would've been amazing.
00:08:05.000 A nice little press.
00:08:07.000 Oh my god.
00:08:08.000 And you see these people that go on to have careers, like out of Kill Tony, and they legitimately have careers.
00:08:14.000 It's a credit.
00:08:14.000 People use it as a credit.
00:08:15.000 Who's the biggest Kill Tony picked out of the hat?
00:08:18.000 Who's the biggest one?
00:08:19.000 Well, let me see.
00:08:21.000 Preacher Lawson.
00:08:22.000 He started there?
00:08:23.000 Yep, he started to kill Tony. 0.99
00:08:25.000 He's killing it. 1.00
00:08:28.000 Damn, really? 1.00
00:08:29.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:08:30.000 Ally Mikofsky's doing really well on the road now. 1.00
00:08:33.000 Hans Kim is a fucking killer. 1.00
00:08:36.000 I bring that guy with me everywhere. 1.00
00:08:37.000 He's so funny.
00:08:39.000 He's so good. 0.99
00:08:40.000 That guy is fucking killing it. 1.00
00:08:43.000 William Montgomery's killing it. 1.00
00:08:44.000 There's a lot of good people. 0.98
00:08:45.000 David Lucas is killing it.
00:08:47.000 Him and Tony together, I was the guest last week. 0.99
00:08:50.000 I was fucking in tears, like crying in tears at those two going after each other. 0.98
00:08:54.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:08:55.000 Lucas and him, those two together are like the best one-two combination in comedy.
00:09:00.000 He opened for me at the creek when I was here, and he just vapes on stage. 0.95
00:09:03.000 He's so fucking chill.
00:09:04.000 He's just talking, and he's like... 0.96
00:09:06.000 I was like, what are you doing?
00:09:08.000 He's such a good guy.
00:09:09.000 Such a good guy.
00:09:10.000 So funny.
00:09:12.000 But yeah, doing Kill Tony after this was... 1.00
00:09:14.000 Fuck, that hurt. 1.00
00:09:15.000 That was tough. 1.00
00:09:16.000 That was bad.
00:09:17.000 That was pretty sad.
00:09:18.000 Well, you're doing it tonight.
00:09:19.000 Yeah, but we're not drinking 30 beers tonight. 0.99
00:09:22.000 Well, you have a fucking one beer and a whiskey and a Nate Diaz shirt. 0.96
00:09:25.000 The odds of you not going hard today. 1.00
00:09:28.000 Look, I'm gonna get fucked up. 0.99
00:09:30.000 It just happens. 1.00
00:09:31.000 Yeah.
00:09:32.000 It just happens.
00:09:33.000 It just happens.
00:09:34.000 On the way over, I was like, I'm going to take it easy. 1.00
00:09:35.000 As soon as we walked in this room, I was like, fuck. 1.00
00:09:38.000 I'm definitely getting fucked up. 1.00
00:09:39.000 There's so many instruments of death there. 0.99
00:09:41.000 Jamie's like, oh, I got a beer bong. 0.99
00:09:43.000 We literally have a tomahawk on the fucking table. 0.99
00:09:46.000 This isn't good. 0.99
00:09:47.000 Is that for... 0.95
00:09:48.000 That's a Jack Carr Tomahawk from The Terminalist, that television show that Chris Pratt uses to fucking split a guy's head open. 1.00
00:09:55.000 Chris Pratt's the fucking man. 1.00
00:09:57.000 He's the fucking man. 1.00
00:09:57.000 He's the fucking man, dude. 1.00
00:09:59.000 He's religious. 1.00
00:10:00.000 Great dude in real life.
00:10:01.000 I bet.
00:10:01.000 Great dude.
00:10:02.000 I ran into him accidentally once in Hawaii.
00:10:04.000 He was on vacation.
00:10:06.000 He was on his honeymoon with his wife. 1.00
00:10:08.000 And I was there with my family, and he just strolls up like a fucking normal person. 0.99
00:10:12.000 He's like a normal guy. 0.98
00:10:13.000 How long ago?
00:10:13.000 Was this still Chubby, Chris Pratt?
00:10:15.000 Couple years ago.
00:10:16.000 Remember when he was a nerd?
00:10:17.000 Chubby Chris Pratt was the man.
00:10:19.000 He was already Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt, so he's already coming up.
00:10:22.000 Yo, we were talking about crying during movies.
00:10:24.000 I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy on an airplane.
00:10:26.000 What?
00:10:27.000 Two weeks ago, I cried.
00:10:28.000 Why?
00:10:29.000 I don't know. 1.00
00:10:30.000 I love that shit, dude. 1.00
00:10:30.000 One or two. 1.00
00:10:31.000 Number one or two.
00:10:32.000 Unfortunately, two. 0.99
00:10:35.000 Started playing fucking Fleetwood Mac and it was showing how much he loved his friends. 0.98
00:10:39.000 And I was on an airplane by myself just like... 0.99
00:10:42.000 It's rude.
00:10:43.000 You know what they say, elevation, it makes you more emotional.
00:10:46.000 It's the elevation.
00:10:46.000 Dude, I cry on planes every time.
00:10:47.000 Well, you're also vulnerable.
00:10:48.000 That's why I like to get high on planes.
00:10:50.000 Like when we would take edibles, Ari, we would get balitzkrieg.
00:10:55.000 Like we would have been a neighboring dimension.
00:10:57.000 I can never do that.
00:10:58.000 We do it all the time.
00:10:59.000 Dude, I was so high once that I thought I have low blood pressure.
00:11:01.000 I thought taking off would kick the blood into my feet.
00:11:04.000 And since I would keep kicking off, I would just die.
00:11:06.000 And I was looking over.
00:11:07.000 I'm like, I think I want to get off this plane.
00:11:08.000 But I can't tell Rogan. 0.99
00:11:10.000 I'll give a shit for it. 0.99
00:11:12.000 And I was like, well, I'm done. 1.00
00:11:13.000 I gave Segura once an edible.
00:11:15.000 And he got on a plane with me.
00:11:17.000 And he goes, I almost didn't make it when we landed.
00:11:20.000 He goes, I was almost freaking out.
00:11:21.000 I almost asked to land the plane.
00:11:24.000 Almost asked.
00:11:25.000 It's the worst place to do an edible.
00:11:27.000 You're trapped.
00:11:27.000 It's the perfect place to do an edible because you're trapped.
00:11:30.000 Once, never again.
00:11:31.000 But that's the reason why you do it on a plane.
00:11:33.000 You've got to let go.
00:11:34.000 That's the whole idea.
00:11:35.000 And also, if you get the spins, you just stay in your chair and just like, fine.
00:11:38.000 You just deal with it. 1.00
00:11:39.000 Just don't be a pussy. 1.00
00:11:41.000 You're going to live. 1.00
00:11:42.000 It's a nightmare.
00:11:43.000 You're going to live. 1.00
00:11:44.000 It does suck. 1.00
00:11:45.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00
00:11:46.000 You're going to live. 1.00
00:11:47.000 Everybody lives.
00:11:47.000 I wonder if anybody on Flight 93 was on an edible.
00:11:51.000 Somebody must have been on an edible on that.
00:11:52.000 One guy at least.
00:11:53.000 One guy, just going into the building like, whoa, this is pretty cool. 0.99
00:11:57.000 They shot that fucking plane out of the sky. 0.99
00:11:59.000 Yeah, almost no doubt. 1.00
00:12:01.000 Yeah, almost no doubt they shot it out of the sky.
00:12:03.000 The wreckage was scattered for miles.
00:12:04.000 In Somerset.
00:12:05.000 They should've.
00:12:06.000 Huh?
00:12:06.000 Yeah, they're supposed to.
00:12:07.000 They just didn't want to say it.
00:12:08.000 It was a hijacked plane.
00:12:09.000 It was headed towards...
00:12:10.000 I'm saying that let's roll all that.
00:12:15.000 Probably didn't happen.
00:12:16.000 That was to give America a victory. 0.96
00:12:17.000 Like, we fought back against them.
00:12:18.000 We got our, you know...
00:12:19.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:12:20.000 Yeah, they crashed into the ground to save the White House? 0.99
00:12:23.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.90
00:12:24.000 They grounded all planes. 0.99
00:12:26.000 One plane suddenly wasn't talking, and it was headed off its course towards the White House.
00:12:31.000 And they were like...
00:12:32.000 Hello, were you there?
00:12:33.000 They found the wreckage.
00:12:34.000 The wreckage was spread out over miles.
00:12:37.000 Now, in a plane crash, the wreckage does not spread for miles.
00:12:40.000 But when you blow something up in the air, I would imagine that it would spread out for miles.
00:12:44.000 But, you know, when you hit the ground, how is the wreckage spread for miles?
00:12:49.000 That doesn't even make sense.
00:12:50.000 I think there was something...
00:12:51.000 I think it was Chaney was like, do it.
00:12:55.000 I'm sure.
00:12:55.000 I believe.
00:12:56.000 I don't know why I'm thinking this.
00:12:57.000 Listen, I'm sure.
00:12:59.000 Those people are dead anyway.
00:13:00.000 Bush was out doing coke, and Cheney's like, I got it, dude.
00:13:03.000 Just go read to kids.
00:13:03.000 Let's say there's 200 people on a plane, and those 200 people are 100% hijacked.
00:13:09.000 There's terrorists on the plane, and they're going to crash into the White House.
00:13:12.000 Now, instead of 200 people dead, you have 2,000 people dead.
00:13:15.000 You don't think they're going to blow that thing out of the sky?
00:13:17.000 Had to.
00:13:17.000 I haven't heard of it.
00:13:18.000 This is the first time I'm hearing it.
00:13:19.000 It's the protocol.
00:13:20.000 Yeah.
00:13:21.000 Even back then, I was like, this seems fishy.
00:13:23.000 I talked to military guys about it, and they were like, yeah.
00:13:26.000 How did the guy get service on the plane? 1.00
00:13:27.000 That cheap-ass, stupid watch. 1.00
00:13:29.000 Timex, it's broken. 1.00
00:13:30.000 You have a Rolex.
00:13:31.000 I knew a Rolex.
00:13:33.000 You don't even wear it.
00:13:34.000 Well, I can't wear that.
00:13:35.000 I don't get mugged.
00:13:37.000 In New York?
00:13:38.000 Oh, yeah.
00:13:39.000 Walking by the homeless guys.
00:13:40.000 Just don't wear it in New York.
00:13:42.000 You wear it here.
00:13:43.000 I don't know.
00:13:43.000 I just lost my sunglasses on the plane.
00:13:45.000 You don't even know how to shut that off.
00:13:46.000 I don't know what the hell to do.
00:13:48.000 It doesn't even have the right time.
00:13:51.000 Why do you have it on, though?
00:13:52.000 I like a watch.
00:13:56.000 It doesn't tell the time, for real?
00:13:57.000 Well, it says it's Thursday at 4. So, yeah, it's right in Hawaii.
00:14:02.000 So it'll be right at Thursday on 4. Thursday at 4 somewhere.
00:14:06.000 It's right in Hawaii.
00:14:07.000 It's ten bucks.
00:14:08.000 Can't beat it.
00:14:09.000 Yeah, well, they probably do calculations on it too, right?
00:14:11.000 Is that one of those?
00:14:12.000 No, I wish.
00:14:13.000 No features.
00:14:14.000 It lights up.
00:14:15.000 Remember when they had the calculator watches?
00:14:16.000 Oh, yeah.
00:14:17.000 Calculators.
00:14:17.000 If you had calculators on your watch, they wouldn't let you into college with them.
00:14:20.000 That's right.
00:14:21.000 What are you doing? 1.00
00:14:22.000 Are you going to cheat with your stupid watch? 1.00
00:14:23.000 I don't know. 1.00
00:14:23.000 I don't remember this. 1.00
00:14:24.000 Oh, yeah.
00:14:24.000 You didn't go to college.
00:14:25.000 Yeah, you were in five colleges.
00:14:28.000 I went to three.
00:14:30.000 I went to community college.
00:14:31.000 I went to a bunch of colleges.
00:14:32.000 If I get the student loan debt, I'll be making money. 0.99
00:14:34.000 There was a time where that was the shit, to have a calculator on your watch. 0.99
00:14:38.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99
00:14:40.000 I never had one, but yeah, it was the thing.
00:14:43.000 It was cool.
00:14:44.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:14:45.000 And then they did throwbacks to it.
00:14:46.000 Yeah.
00:14:47.000 Like decades later, they're like, hey, get those going.
00:14:50.000 Yeah.
00:14:51.000 I would wear one of those now.
00:14:52.000 You'd wear a calculator watch?
00:14:54.000 I hope they shot down Flight 93. I hope. 0.56
00:14:57.000 Otherwise, we're just trashing the let's roll, dude.
00:15:00.000 The guy who died like a hero.
00:15:03.000 He's up and having a...
00:15:04.000 The odds of them telling us the truth in every situation are slim to none.
00:15:10.000 How did he get reception up there?
00:15:13.000 Who reported that he said that's wrong?
00:15:15.000 They did have the credit card swipe phones on the backs of seats.
00:15:19.000 So he called home and said, I'm going to go do something?
00:15:21.000 No, I forget the exact story.
00:15:23.000 I listened to the black box of it, or read the black box.
00:15:26.000 Really?
00:15:27.000 Read the black box transcript.
00:15:28.000 That's just on a pilot.
00:15:29.000 I've read it.
00:15:29.000 That's just on a cockpit.
00:15:30.000 This dude's up there.
00:15:31.000 I think I might have talked about this last time.
00:15:33.000 Got into reading black boxes.
00:15:36.000 Don't be scared, worry.com.
00:15:38.000 Whoa, black box, last word. 0.98
00:15:40.000 Good name for a porn. 1.00
00:15:42.000 You're scared of weed, but you drink like a fish. 0.99
00:15:44.000 It's very odd.
00:15:45.000 What are you scared of?
00:15:46.000 Drinking makes me feel good.
00:15:47.000 And what does weed do?
00:15:49.000 Makes me feel pretty bad.
00:15:51.000 Really?
00:15:51.000 Everybody's got their drug.
00:15:53.000 It's all personality-based.
00:15:54.000 Yeah.
00:15:55.000 I'm with you.
00:15:56.000 Anxiety's your friend.
00:15:57.000 I have it regularly.
00:15:58.000 I disagree.
00:15:59.000 It's here to tell you things.
00:16:00.000 It's here to tell you things.
00:16:01.000 Bad news.
00:16:02.000 All the things you're anxious about, fix those.
00:16:05.000 All those things you're anxious about, fix those.
00:16:07.000 I'm with you, Shane.
00:16:08.000 You gotta do what's right for you.
00:16:09.000 Thanks, bro. 1.00
00:16:10.000 Oh, look at this fucking big brother coach. 1.00
00:16:11.000 I love weed. 1.00
00:16:12.000 Louie Katz has a joke about it.
00:16:13.000 He goes, weed, you know, marijuana means no worries.
00:16:16.000 And then one day, it meant all the worries.
00:16:19.000 Right.
00:16:19.000 It's just like, I don't know when it turns on people.
00:16:21.000 It does turn on you, but it also turns on you if you've got something to turn on.
00:16:25.000 We all have something to turn on.
00:16:27.000 It's like, those are the things you have to think about. 0.99
00:16:30.000 I'm not going to get high on here and be like, fuck, I've got to start working out. 0.99
00:16:34.000 Yeah, I'm working on it. 0.99
00:16:36.000 You already know that.
00:16:36.000 It's going slow.
00:16:37.000 Yeah, you look a little more jacked.
00:16:39.000 Let's go. 0.69
00:16:40.000 Look at that, you look huge.
00:16:42.000 You made me work out today. 0.99
00:16:43.000 It sucked. 0.98
00:16:44.000 Yeah. 0.52
00:16:44.000 You guys worked out together? 0.52
00:16:45.000 Yeah.
00:16:45.000 Nice.
00:16:46.000 What'd you do?
00:16:47.000 CrossFit? 1.00
00:16:48.000 We did some dumb training shit. 1.00
00:16:50.000 Yeah? 1.00
00:16:51.000 Nice.
00:16:51.000 Look at you.
00:16:52.000 Embarrassing stuff.
00:16:52.000 Started with some sumo squats.
00:16:55.000 Not a big deal.
00:16:56.000 Oh, wow.
00:16:57.000 Sumo squats.
00:16:57.000 Why didn't sumo ever make it to America?
00:16:59.000 Because we don't...
00:17:00.000 We'd be...
00:17:01.000 We're fat.
00:17:01.000 We like to wrestle.
00:17:02.000 Yeah, but we have real wrestling. 0.99
00:17:04.000 Yeah, but sumo's cool.
00:17:05.000 I like to move.
00:17:07.000 Sumo's interesting.
00:17:08.000 It's interesting.
00:17:09.000 I think we could dominate.
00:17:09.000 An American guy won, and they were all pissed about it.
00:17:12.000 He became like the champion.
00:17:14.000 I think it was a Hawaiian guy.
00:17:15.000 That makes sense.
00:17:16.000 Big people.
00:17:17.000 Giant big dude.
00:17:18.000 Big Polynesian fella. 1.00
00:17:19.000 You've seen the guy with the ukulele.
00:17:20.000 Yeah, one of them fellas. 0.99
00:17:21.000 Yeah, he's fat. 0.98
00:17:22.000 Big giant. 0.99
00:17:23.000 Big bones. 1.00
00:17:24.000 Big fucking frame. 1.00
00:17:26.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:17:26.000 You gotta be a big fuck. 1.00
00:17:27.000 They eat so much. 1.00
00:17:28.000 You watch those sumo wrestlers eat, it's crazy.
00:17:31.000 Oh, really?
00:17:32.000 Oh, my God.
00:17:32.000 Because that's the whole thing.
00:17:34.000 You gotta have mass.
00:17:35.000 I think they get laid.
00:17:36.000 Like, they're heroes.
00:17:37.000 Oh, yeah.
00:17:37.000 In Japan, it's a gigantic tradition.
00:17:40.000 I mean, just the rich history of it.
00:17:42.000 It's a big deal over there.
00:17:44.000 Yeah, that's gotta be fun, though, because over here, you're trying to cut weight.
00:17:47.000 It's all about cutting weight.
00:17:48.000 Over there, you're probably trying to just keep gaining it.
00:17:50.000 Also, you're wearing this rope diaper.
00:17:52.000 I don't like the diaper.
00:17:53.000 That people hang on to.
00:17:54.000 I love the diaper.
00:17:55.000 Hang on to someone's underwear and throw them around by it. 0.85
00:17:57.000 It's a very strange sport.
00:17:58.000 It is a weird sport.
00:17:59.000 It's just all wedgie.
00:18:00.000 Right.
00:18:02.000 I wonder if they've ever had matches between really elite, high-level wrestlers that are big, giant guys and sumo guys.
00:18:09.000 I wonder who wins those, if they do sumo.
00:18:12.000 Sumo guys must dominate that. 1.00
00:18:14.000 It's just linebacker shit, right? 0.99
00:18:17.000 Yeah, but I would imagine that a really good, agile, 300-pound wrestler might be able to... 0.99
00:18:23.000 They do have those matches, because there are some...
00:18:28.000 Sumo guys, they're like smaller.
00:18:29.000 They look more like wrestlers.
00:18:31.000 They're not big fat guys and they go up against the Yokozunos.
00:18:36.000 What does Yokozuno mean?
00:18:38.000 I don't know.
00:18:38.000 That's a great name though.
00:18:40.000 Yokozuno is like the champion, right?
00:18:42.000 Let's see.
00:18:45.000 Who's the best sumo wrestler today alive?
00:18:48.000 There we go. 0.99
00:18:49.000 Who's like the fucking Jon Jones of sumo wrestling? 0.99
00:18:52.000 There's gotta be somebody. 0.99
00:18:53.000 Jon Jones is the best.
00:18:55.000 It's hard to argue.
00:18:56.000 He never got taken down.
00:18:57.000 It's Mighty Mouse.
00:18:57.000 Mighty Mouse just won the one championship and won the rematch and got his title back.
00:19:02.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:19:03.000 Mighty Mouse is the fucking man. 1.00
00:19:04.000 He's good. 1.00
00:19:05.000 He also put it on the line more than Jon Jones.
00:19:07.000 Well, I wouldn't say that.
00:19:09.000 What does that mean?
00:19:10.000 I would say Jon Jones put it on the line with everybody that was against him in his division.
00:19:14.000 Including Daniel Komei, Gustafsson.
00:19:17.000 He likes the lines.
00:19:18.000 Not that he had less fights.
00:19:19.000 Who doesn't? 0.99
00:19:20.000 Jon Jones cleaned out his fucking division. 0.99
00:19:22.000 You can't say any ifs, ands, or buts about it. 0.99
00:19:24.000 But Mighty Mouse was less recognized because he was small.
00:19:28.000 So these are the best guys right now?
00:19:30.000 These guys are thin.
00:19:31.000 This is thin in America.
00:19:32.000 Oh, don't even help the guy up? 1.00
00:19:34.000 No, he's like, fuck you, bro. 1.00
00:19:37.000 Oh, they're bleeding. 1.00
00:19:38.000 You never see them bleeding.
00:19:39.000 Oh, wow, what happened?
00:19:40.000 Smash heads.
00:19:40.000 Wow.
00:19:41.000 Is that what it is?
00:19:42.000 Yeah.
00:19:42.000 Oh, yeah, right?
00:19:43.000 He went nose to forehead right there.
00:19:45.000 Oh, see?
00:19:45.000 This is awesome.
00:19:46.000 Slap the face. 0.98
00:19:47.000 We should do this here. 0.99
00:19:48.000 Oh, this is crazy.
00:19:49.000 Oh, you're done, dude.
00:19:50.000 You know you're done.
00:19:50.000 Oh, he caught you slipping.
00:19:51.000 Boom.
00:19:52.000 Wow.
00:19:52.000 And you land on the ground.
00:19:54.000 There's not even a cushion there.
00:19:55.000 Yeah, why not make it all even?
00:19:56.000 They're supposed to throw you down.
00:19:58.000 Like, that's part of the thing.
00:19:59.000 It's like the indignity of falling.
00:20:01.000 I love it.
00:20:01.000 I love the diaper.
00:20:02.000 It's so traditional. 0.97
00:20:03.000 Oh, slap them. 0.99
00:20:04.000 How hard can you slap? 0.99
00:20:06.000 I don't know.
00:20:06.000 Ask Nate.
00:20:07.000 No, but that's what I'm saying.
00:20:08.000 Otherwise...
00:20:08.000 Oh, how hard are you allowed?
00:20:09.000 Yeah, look at that.
00:20:10.000 Because otherwise...
00:20:11.000 Oh, you threw it out to a lady in the front! 1.00
00:20:12.000 You threw it out to a lady! 1.00
00:20:13.000 She shouldn't be there.
00:20:14.000 She shouldn't be there.
00:20:15.000 Get out of there with your phone.
00:20:17.000 She was looking at my phone! 1.00
00:20:19.000 Her shoulder is probably fucked. 1.00
00:20:22.000 Show that again. 1.00
00:20:23.000 Show it again. 1.00
00:20:24.000 That lady, her shoulder must be fucked. 1.00
00:20:26.000 Watch this. 1.00
00:20:27.000 Boom.
00:20:27.000 That's a man.
00:20:28.000 That's a man.
00:20:29.000 That's a man.
00:20:30.000 That's a man.
00:20:30.000 That's a man.
00:20:31.000 Watch.
00:20:31.000 Look, he's got vault spot.
00:20:32.000 Yeah, you don't want to be broke.
00:20:34.000 Watch what happens to his shoulder.
00:20:35.000 No more mayonnaise jars.
00:20:37.000 You'll never open up a mayonnaise jar without harm.
00:20:39.000 These guys are badass.
00:20:40.000 Yeah, these guys are huge.
00:20:41.000 Giant guys.
00:20:41.000 They're not just big fat guys.
00:20:43.000 They're like...
00:20:43.000 They're beefy.
00:20:44.000 They're strong as fuck. 1.00
00:20:45.000 They're tanks. 1.00
00:20:46.000 Oh, he scores seven trees with two bushes?
00:20:47.000 So these are the best guys, huh?
00:20:50.000 These are the best guys?
00:20:51.000 They're not as big as I remember them as a kid.
00:20:54.000 There are big guys.
00:20:56.000 The best sumo of all time.
00:21:01.000 That was slick.
00:21:02.000 That fat guy is slick.
00:21:04.000 That's what we call a swim technique. 1.00
00:21:06.000 I bet they're slippery too, those Asian hairless... 1.00
00:21:11.000 Look at that! 0.55
00:21:12.000 He's like a seal!
00:21:13.000 They probably have some very specific rules.
00:21:15.000 He just lets him go?
00:21:16.000 Like, you're probably not allowed to grease your body.
00:21:18.000 Oh, sure.
00:21:19.000 Oh, shoulder right to the face. 0.97
00:21:20.000 Oh, man! 0.99
00:21:21.000 He knew he was dealing with a chump. 1.00
00:21:23.000 Johnny, we've got to adopt this, although you can just see this as an eagle's game. 0.98
00:21:26.000 He's dealing with a chump. 1.00
00:21:27.000 Yeah, this is just offensive. 0.96
00:21:27.000 Ari, that guy is like the number two in the world. 0.96
00:21:29.000 He's clowning him.
00:21:30.000 Two guys tailgating. 0.76
00:21:31.000 He was clowning him.
00:21:32.000 Well, he's definitely beating them with strategy.
00:21:35.000 Now, what do they make a year?
00:21:36.000 Because there's got to be some diabetes and stuff going.
00:21:39.000 It can't be good for you, right?
00:21:40.000 No.
00:21:40.000 To be that big?
00:21:41.000 It can't be great for you.
00:21:43.000 I heard they eat once a day.
00:21:44.000 What?
00:21:45.000 Crazy once a day to get their metabolism down.
00:21:47.000 10,000 calories.
00:21:48.000 Look at this guy.
00:21:49.000 10,000 calories. 1.00
00:21:50.000 This guy fucking rules. 1.00
00:21:51.000 He's got nip rings. 1.00
00:21:52.000 That dude looks like he could take a punch.
00:21:55.000 I wanted that outfit from the Red Jack. 0.61
00:21:56.000 Look at his forehead. 1.00
00:21:57.000 He's got a sweet ass. 1.00
00:21:58.000 Oh, he KO'd that dude. 1.00
00:22:00.000 Wow.
00:22:00.000 Show that again.
00:22:01.000 Show that again.
00:22:02.000 Oh, he elbowed him in the face.
00:22:04.000 Oh, I didn't know you could do that.
00:22:05.000 Yo, he KO'd him.
00:22:06.000 Do that again. 0.95
00:22:07.000 One more time.
00:22:07.000 We gotta show it in slow-mo.
00:22:08.000 I'm telling you!
00:22:09.000 Subo! 0.99
00:22:10.000 Is that legal?
00:22:11.000 Subo's underrated.
00:22:12.000 Oh, that forearm shot to the jaw. 0.99
00:22:16.000 KO'd. 0.90
00:22:17.000 I love the referee, too.
00:22:18.000 Full guard.
00:22:19.000 Oh my god, that dude is KO'd.
00:22:21.000 100%.
00:22:21.000 I didn't know this happened.
00:22:22.000 Wow.
00:22:23.000 I'm telling you, sumo.
00:22:24.000 Is he gonna try again?
00:22:25.000 This is cooler than I remember.
00:22:26.000 Bring it here.
00:22:27.000 Here's slow-mo.
00:22:28.000 Oh! 0.60
00:22:30.000 That should be illegal.
00:22:32.000 Why not?
00:22:32.000 It should be illegal.
00:22:33.000 Why?
00:22:33.000 That's awesome.
00:22:34.000 I thought it was just pushing out.
00:22:35.000 Yeah, I thought it was just pushing out. 0.99
00:22:36.000 Elbows and shit. 0.94
00:22:37.000 It's your forearm. 0.99
00:22:37.000 Maybe it's okay to push with your forearm. 0.99
00:22:39.000 He caught him with it.
00:22:40.000 That is 100% a strike. 0.99
00:22:42.000 That's like some Muay Thai shit. 1.00
00:22:44.000 Wow. 1.00
00:22:45.000 That's some Leon Edwards shit right there. 1.00
00:22:48.000 So fat. 1.00
00:22:49.000 I love it.
00:22:50.000 That's elbows.
00:22:51.000 Look at these guys.
00:22:53.000 I like how they're backstage dingy. 0.60
00:22:55.000 That's a special skill to hit people with your elbows.
00:22:57.000 That guy moved.
00:22:58.000 Ooh, a nice flip there.
00:23:01.000 Have you ever seen Nate Marquardt versus Tyron Woodley in Strike Force?
00:23:06.000 No. 0.99
00:23:06.000 It's one of the greatest elbow combinations ever, like a goddamn video game. 0.99
00:23:10.000 This is when Nate Marquardt was one of the top fighters on Earth, but people didn't really get to know him. 0.96
00:23:15.000 He didn't get famous in America like he probably should have.
00:23:19.000 Look at this.
00:23:20.000 Oh! 0.60
00:23:22.000 Whitey. 0.99
00:23:25.000 And again, watch this.
00:23:28.000 Boom.
00:23:28.000 This is after UFC for Woodley, right?
00:23:30.000 Yeah.
00:23:31.000 No, no, no.
00:23:32.000 Before.
00:23:32.000 This is before the UFC. This was Nate Marquardt when he was at the top of the world.
00:23:37.000 I've never heard of him.
00:23:37.000 You know, he was one of George St. Pierre's sparring partners.
00:23:39.000 He did a lot of sparring with Shane Carwin.
00:23:41.000 He was one of those guys out of Colorado. 0.99
00:23:43.000 Bro, I'm telling you, at this point in his career, Nate Marquardt was a fucking beast. 0.99
00:23:49.000 He was so talented. 0.98
00:23:51.000 And he fought all over the world.
00:23:53.000 He fought in Japan when he was very young.
00:23:56.000 What happened to him?
00:23:57.000 Well, you know, all fighters, they run their course, man.
00:24:00.000 Your body's not designed for this.
00:24:01.000 He did well in the UFC. Didn't he have a title fight with Anderson?
00:24:04.000 He did very well.
00:24:04.000 He did very well in the UFC. Yeah.
00:24:05.000 I mean, he knocked out...
00:24:09.000 Damian Maia with one punch in the UFC. Like, he beat a lot of good guys in the UFC. And Chael Sonnen beat him when Chael was at his best and Nate was arguably close to his best.
00:24:19.000 And Chael just ragdolled him. 1.00
00:24:21.000 That's why whenever someone says that Chael Sonnen wasn't a good fighter, I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. 0.99
00:24:27.000 Chael Sonnen just fought Jon Jones. 0.98
00:24:29.000 It doesn't mean that Chael Sonnen was an elite.
00:24:31.000 Chael Sonnen submitted Shogun. 0.99
00:24:33.000 You know, you watch Chael Sonnen fight, but watch the fight with Nate Marquardt, because that was Nate Marquardt when he was a fucking assassin. 0.99
00:24:40.000 And Chael Sonnen just wrestle-fucked him to death. 0.98
00:24:43.000 Just ragdolled him, threw him around.
00:24:45.000 And you get to see how good Chael was when he was at his best.
00:24:48.000 You almost beat Anderson Silva!
00:24:49.000 I've never lost one round of any fight in my life.
00:24:52.000 I've never lost one minute of any fight in my life.
00:24:55.000 You never got into a fistfight?
00:24:56.000 No, that's a Chael Sonnen quote.
00:24:57.000 Yeah, that's what he would say.
00:24:59.000 He would say that.
00:24:59.000 That's right, I forgot he said that.
00:25:00.000 He would say that after he lost. 0.99
00:25:02.000 Like, he didn't give a fuck. 0.99
00:25:03.000 Yeah, when I come into the octagon, it's thunderous. 0.99
00:25:07.000 When Anderson Silva comes in, you can hear a mouse pissing on cotton.
00:25:11.000 He's got a bunch of lines on him.
00:25:13.000 That guy came that close to being the middleweight champion of the world. 0.99
00:25:16.000 If he just defended that triangle, which he probably would 8 out of 10 times, if 8 out of 10 times, he just last round, exhausted, got stuck, oh shit, I'm in a fucking triangle and it's locked up. 0.97
00:25:30.000 You gotta realize how long that is. 0.99
00:25:32.000 It was 4-0.
00:25:33.000 Yes.
00:25:34.000 Yeah, he was dominating him.
00:25:35.000 He was taking him down left and right.
00:25:36.000 But it's...
00:25:38.000 So long.
00:25:39.000 To fight that long is so long.
00:25:41.000 So not to make one mental mistake against a guy.
00:25:42.000 It's so long.
00:25:43.000 You're so tired.
00:25:44.000 No one's body's designed for that.
00:25:47.000 No one's body.
00:25:48.000 So they have to pace themselves.
00:25:49.000 Oh, here we go.
00:25:50.000 He trapped them.
00:25:51.000 Look at that. 1.00
00:25:51.000 Look how good that goddamn triangle is, too. 1.00
00:25:54.000 Dude, that is just locked in. 0.99
00:25:55.000 And Chael's trying to get out.
00:25:58.000 Now he's got the arm, too, and he had a tap because he was doing his arm sideways.
00:26:00.000 See, he's got his arm sideways.
00:26:02.000 That's terrifying.
00:26:02.000 Why won't he let go?
00:26:04.000 He's letting go.
00:26:04.000 He's just making sure that he realizes he tapped.
00:26:07.000 Oh, okay.
00:26:09.000 I think Chael was saying that he didn't tap.
00:26:11.000 Oh, he definitely tapped.
00:26:13.000 He definitely tapped.
00:26:14.000 100% he tapped.
00:26:15.000 I think he might have been saying he didn't tap.
00:26:16.000 Maybe he woke up.
00:26:18.000 Sometimes that does happen.
00:26:19.000 He's like, what happened?
00:26:20.000 No, you guys go out.
00:26:21.000 This is super common, and then they try to take down the referee.
00:26:24.000 It's super common.
00:26:25.000 It happens all the time.
00:26:27.000 You can't think like he was trying to cheat.
00:26:31.000 You gotta think he probably just woke up.
00:26:32.000 Because if you're watching this, he's fully locked in with a triangle, and Anderson's squeezing and pulling down on the head.
00:26:39.000 See how he's doing right there?
00:26:40.000 He's getting the anaconda squeeze.
00:26:41.000 Bro, let me tell you something. 1.00
00:26:42.000 That shit is... 1.00
00:26:43.000 He's so close to unconsciousness. 1.00
00:26:46.000 I mean, he's moving around and flailing, but when he's tapping here, he's tapping, he went out.
00:26:52.000 That was it.
00:26:52.000 He went out, dude.
00:26:54.000 He went out.
00:26:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think he went out.
00:26:56.000 He might only went out for a half a second, but I think he went out.
00:26:59.000 His eyes roll back, like when he's tapping, and Anderson keeps his squeeze on him.
00:27:02.000 Ah, that blows to get one. 0.81
00:27:04.000 So when you wake up...
00:27:04.000 It's a clear tap, but it's still like...
00:27:06.000 No, no, no, that was a tap.
00:27:07.000 That was a tap.
00:27:08.000 He'll tell you that was a tap.
00:27:09.000 Oh, really?
00:27:10.000 But I think he just woke up.
00:27:11.000 See, look, he's 100% tapping.
00:27:13.000 100% tapping.
00:27:13.000 But here's the thing.
00:27:14.000 It's like him waking up from that, like you wake up from that, you don't know what the fuck just happened. 0.99
00:27:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:27:19.000 You literally went black. 1.00
00:27:21.000 And then back to reality.
00:27:23.000 And you're like, what is going on?
00:27:24.000 You think you're still in a fight.
00:27:25.000 So guys do that.
00:27:26.000 Kevin Lee did that, too.
00:27:28.000 That happened with him and...
00:27:34.000 Ray Rice.
00:27:35.000 Dude, fire it up. 1.00
00:27:36.000 Go back to that one.
00:27:37.000 Is that the finger?
00:27:39.000 Kevin Lee did it with Charles Oliveira.
00:27:42.000 No, Tony tapped him with a triangle, but Kevin Lee did it with Charles Oliveira.
00:27:46.000 Charles Oliveira caught him in a guillotine or something.
00:27:50.000 I forget what he caught him with, but he caught him really tight.
00:27:53.000 And Kevin Lee tapped, and then he woke up and tried to keep going.
00:27:56.000 Yeah.
00:27:56.000 I went out once.
00:27:57.000 Did you really?
00:27:58.000 Yeah.
00:27:58.000 And then Eddie Bravo was just over me.
00:28:00.000 I couldn't make sense of it.
00:28:02.000 I was like, did I fall asleep while you were talking?
00:28:04.000 I didn't want to be rude.
00:28:05.000 And then I was like, wait, no, we were doing drills.
00:28:07.000 It takes a second.
00:28:08.000 Oh, yeah.
00:28:09.000 I got knocked out in college and then I pissed myself.
00:28:11.000 It's not quite the same thing.
00:28:13.000 Although we talked about this last time. 0.99
00:28:15.000 That's the most humiliating shit of all time. 0.99
00:28:16.000 That's what happened to Tyson against Buster Douglas. 1.00
00:28:18.000 They had to tell him.
00:28:19.000 He was in the corner. 1.00
00:28:21.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00
00:28:22.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:28:23.000 But it's a little different.
00:28:25.000 The choke-out doesn't give you the same damage.
00:28:28.000 With the knock-out, they'll ask questions for hours later.
00:28:31.000 Sometimes guys get knocked out real bad, and then you'll talk to them five minutes later, they're like, what happened?
00:28:35.000 And then you tell them again.
00:28:37.000 And then five minutes later, they'll be like, what happened?
00:28:39.000 And then you tell them again.
00:28:40.000 They don't remember it.
00:28:41.000 Don't you lose like 10, 20 seconds back?
00:28:43.000 It's not a standard thing.
00:28:45.000 It's not standardized.
00:28:46.000 It happens depending upon how hard you got hit, where you got hit.
00:28:49.000 Who you are?
00:28:50.000 What kind of genetics do you have?
00:28:52.000 Are you good at taking a shot or is your body more vulnerable?
00:28:55.000 Because everybody, it varies. 0.97
00:28:56.000 There's guys like Mark Hunt, you can kick him in the head and it just bounces off his head. 0.99
00:28:59.000 In his prime, dude, he was a monster. 0.97
00:29:01.000 He was known for being able to take a shot better than anyone alive. 0.93
00:29:05.000 He's Hawaiian, right?
00:29:07.000 Australian.
00:29:07.000 Well, Samoan.
00:29:09.000 Samoan, right? 1.00
00:29:09.000 Same shit. 1.00
00:29:10.000 Yeah, he's from Australia. 1.00
00:29:11.000 He's the shit. 1.00
00:29:12.000 Mark Hunt was an elite, elite kickboxer. 1.00
00:29:14.000 He won the K-1 Grand Prix.
00:29:15.000 That's like the most prestigious title in all of kickboxing.
00:29:19.000 Auckland, New Zealand.
00:29:20.000 I was just in Australia.
00:29:23.000 Didn't he train also in Australia?
00:29:25.000 Yeah, he lives in Australia, so he's from.
00:29:27.000 Oh yeah, he lived in Australia, but he's from New Zealand.
00:29:30.000 Oceania's killing right now. 1.00
00:29:31.000 He's the fucking man. 1.00
00:29:32.000 What's that? 1.00
00:29:33.000 Tui Vassa.
00:29:34.000 Tui Vassa's the man.
00:29:36.000 Stylebender.
00:29:36.000 He's awesome.
00:29:37.000 Yeah.
00:29:37.000 Come on, man.
00:29:38.000 What's his name?
00:29:40.000 Volkanovski.
00:29:41.000 Yeah.
00:29:41.000 Oh, he's cool.
00:29:42.000 And that dude, Kaikawa Frantz, is a bad motherfucker, too. 0.99
00:29:44.000 The guy who just lost to Brandon Marino. 0.99
00:29:46.000 Yeah.
00:29:46.000 He got caught.
00:29:47.000 He got kicked in the liver.
00:29:48.000 Did you see that?
00:29:49.000 It was a good fight.
00:29:50.000 It was a good fight.
00:29:51.000 And he got caught.
00:29:53.000 But that's what happens.
00:29:54.000 You're fighting the best guys in the world.
00:29:56.000 How's your liver doing?
00:29:57.000 It can't be great.
00:29:57.000 It's all right.
00:29:59.000 It's all right.
00:30:00.000 I mean, have you tested it?
00:30:01.000 Yeah, I take it.
00:30:02.000 I feel it.
00:30:03.000 Oh, really?
00:30:03.000 I see if it hurts.
00:30:04.000 Does it pulse?
00:30:05.000 Does it push out?
00:30:05.000 No, I don't know.
00:30:05.000 Do you get an expert to look at it?
00:30:07.000 I don't know.
00:30:08.000 My liver's all right.
00:30:09.000 I can imagine if an expert looked at Shane's liver, they'd call up other experts.
00:30:12.000 Like, you've got to come and see me.
00:30:13.000 That would be fun. 1.00
00:30:14.000 This thing is like the Hulk's dick. 1.00
00:30:16.000 Something happened. 0.99
00:30:17.000 It's the most powerful liver we've ever encountered, ever.
00:30:21.000 We'll see.
00:30:21.000 We'll see.
00:30:22.000 It's like five times normal liver levels.
00:30:25.000 Back to the future of everything.
00:30:26.000 Remember that liver we've been talking about?
00:30:28.000 Watch this.
00:30:29.000 Imagine if that's what we found out.
00:30:31.000 You have this superior...
00:30:32.000 You know how Lance Armstrong has a big heart?
00:30:34.000 He has a really large heart.
00:30:36.000 He's a sweetie.
00:30:37.000 But he has an unusually large heart, which aids in his cardio.
00:30:42.000 I didn't know that.
00:30:42.000 The question is, is that nature a nurture?
00:30:45.000 Or is it from all the hard work of doing hard cardio his whole life?
00:30:49.000 And also...
00:30:51.000 Some help.
00:30:52.000 Some help.
00:30:53.000 There was some stuff going on.
00:30:54.000 Some other things that might make your heart grow a little larger.
00:30:56.000 I don't want to trash him.
00:30:56.000 I don't want to trash him.
00:30:57.000 He seems kind of like the man.
00:30:58.000 He's the man.
00:30:59.000 The audacity to put out that Nike commercial where he's like, what am I on? 1.00
00:31:03.000 I'm on my bike busting my ass. 0.99
00:31:05.000 What are you on? 1.00
00:31:07.000 What are you on?
00:31:07.000 He was on steroids.
00:31:09.000 Wow.
00:31:09.000 I didn't know that commercial.
00:31:11.000 He put out a commercial like, suck my dick. 1.00
00:31:13.000 He sued and won for libel for the newspaper article going. 1.00
00:31:17.000 Did he really?
00:31:18.000 Yeah, and he won.
00:31:19.000 Good for him.
00:31:19.000 Hey, can we get that money back?
00:31:21.000 Dude, he rules.
00:31:22.000 He made a lot of money on those bands.
00:31:24.000 Everybody in their hand.
00:31:25.000 It's one of those weird ones where if he was the only one that was on the drugs.
00:31:31.000 They were all doing it.
00:31:31.000 They had to give the title to the 17th racer.
00:31:35.000 We are such children.
00:31:36.000 We're such children.
00:31:37.000 We want extreme athletic performance, but we don't want to know that they're doing it with pharmaceutical help. 1.00
00:31:44.000 We're fucking children. 0.99
00:31:45.000 They say that the Tour de France is healthier for you if you're on those drugs. 1.00
00:31:49.000 They sell the Tour de France, it's so bad.
00:31:52.000 It's so hard on your body. 0.97
00:31:54.000 You have to be a crazy savage. 0.95
00:31:56.000 Also, it's not fighting. 0.98
00:31:57.000 Fighting makes sense, because then you're putting the other guy at risk. 0.97
00:32:00.000 You're cheating, you're getting fucking roided out.
00:32:02.000 But you're kind of putting the other guy at risk with this, because if they do have complications from that stuff, and if it's mandatory to compete. 0.96
00:32:08.000 So if you have a league and you don't check illegal drug use, this is the problem.
00:32:13.000 Then you're subject to liability.
00:32:14.000 And in fact, Mark Hunt is suing the UFC. I remember that.
00:32:17.000 Because Brock Lesnar tested positive after his fight.
00:32:21.000 And they said, like, you put me in harm's way.
00:32:23.000 You knew ahead of time.
00:32:24.000 I don't know if there's any merit to that case.
00:32:26.000 I mean, he would have to prove that they knew it.
00:32:29.000 That they knew that Brock Lesnar was doing steroids.
00:32:31.000 And I don't think they would ever...
00:32:33.000 How would they know?
00:32:34.000 They're not in his camp.
00:32:35.000 Unless Brock Lesnar's calling him up.
00:32:36.000 Hey, guys.
00:32:37.000 Just so you know.
00:32:42.000 He's like a cartoon.
00:32:43.000 I used to have a joke about Brock Lesnar. 1.00
00:32:45.000 I'm not afraid that Brock Lesnar would fuck me. 1.00
00:32:48.000 I'm afraid he would use me as a condom to fuck something way bigger. 1.00
00:32:53.000 He's so big. 1.00
00:32:54.000 He's a fucking enormous human, man. 1.00
00:32:56.000 The flat top, the sword on the chest. 1.00
00:32:58.000 And he was an elite wrestler in college.
00:33:01.000 Elite.
00:33:02.000 Like, he's an elite wrestler.
00:33:04.000 That's sword on the chest. 0.93
00:33:05.000 He's a beast of a man. 1.00
00:33:05.000 That should be a tattoo you walk up to someone and like, that's fucking, you look like a dumbass. 1.00
00:33:10.000 Yeah, that was one of the worst tattoos of all time. 1.00
00:33:12.000 And everyone's like, dude, that's so cool. 1.00
00:33:15.000 Nobody wanted to say shit. 0.99
00:33:16.000 You know what he should do? 1.00
00:33:19.000 He should go to some dude who's like really good and get like a fucking Conan sword put in there. 0.99
00:33:24.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:33:25.000 Like, take that bullshit sword. 1.00
00:33:28.000 Because think about all those, like, super elite tattoo artists out there. 1.00
00:33:31.000 Yeah.
00:33:32.000 You know?
00:33:32.000 They could fix that up.
00:33:33.000 Fuck yeah, they could fix that up. 0.99
00:33:35.000 They're tattoos. 1.00
00:33:36.000 You know?
00:33:37.000 I would, obviously, Brock Lesnar is cool.
00:33:39.000 You know, I love that guy. 1.00
00:33:40.000 I like the shit on his back. 1.00
00:33:42.000 I like the demons on his back with the hooks. 1.00
00:33:44.000 Whoa.
00:33:44.000 Look at the hooks.
00:33:45.000 The hooks?
00:33:46.000 I think it works out.
00:33:46.000 Bro, let me tell you something.
00:33:47.000 Kill them all. 1.00
00:33:48.000 That guy was such a freak. 1.00
00:33:49.000 That guy won the UFC heavyweight championship.
00:33:53.000 I think it was his fourth fight.
00:33:55.000 It's like an action figure.
00:33:56.000 It's an action figure.
00:33:58.000 That guy hits Jimmy Johns all the time. 0.97
00:34:00.000 That's like some 3D bullshit, but that's really what he looks like. 0.99
00:34:03.000 Yeah. 0.92
00:34:04.000 Have you met him? 1.00
00:34:05.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
00:34:05.000 I've called a bunch of his fights. 1.00
00:34:07.000 Oh my god.
00:34:08.000 He's a good guy.
00:34:08.000 He's a real good guy.
00:34:09.000 Really?
00:34:10.000 Yeah, but let me tell you something, man. 1.00
00:34:12.000 That motherfucker... 1.00
00:34:13.000 Wouldn't you like to see him bang a lady? 1.00
00:34:15.000 That guy took the craziest chance that anybody ever took. 0.99
00:34:18.000 Let's hear it. 0.98
00:34:19.000 He was a WWE superstar making millions of dollars, throwing people around, being the fucking man, and he decided, I want to fight in the UFC. Do you know the balls that takes? 0.99
00:34:30.000 And to do it. 0.86
00:34:31.000 His second fight in MMA, I believe, was...
00:34:36.000 Who was his second fight in MMA? The guy he tapped on.
00:34:39.000 Was it Frank Mir?
00:34:40.000 Frank Mir.
00:34:40.000 Was that his second fight in MMA? Was that his first fight in the UFC, or did he have one other fight?
00:34:45.000 That was his first fight in the UFC, if I remember.
00:34:47.000 I'm guessing yes.
00:34:48.000 Okay, so that's his first fight in the UFC was with Frank Mir.
00:34:51.000 So I was there for Min Nu So, or Min Soo Kim, rather, which was in Dynamite.
00:34:56.000 I was there.
00:34:56.000 I was in the audience.
00:34:57.000 Eddie Bravo and I went to see that.
00:35:00.000 That's the night where Hoist Gracie fought, too. 0.94
00:35:03.000 They had it outside at the Coliseum.
00:35:06.000 And so he fights Frank Mir. 0.99
00:35:07.000 Frank Mir is the fucking former UFC heavyweight champion. 0.98
00:35:11.000 And this is his first fight. 0.99
00:35:13.000 You know how crazy that is?
00:35:14.000 First fight in the UFC. Didn't he tap to something he didn't have to?
00:35:17.000 No, no, no.
00:35:17.000 He had a tap.
00:35:18.000 He got caught in a knee bar.
00:35:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:35:19.000 I thought it was just like he had never seen it before.
00:35:21.000 So then he dominates Heath Herring, who is one of the toughest guys to ever fight in MMA period. 1.00
00:35:25.000 Heath Herring was a fucking animal. 0.99
00:35:27.000 Tackled him. 1.00
00:35:28.000 And just ran him over.
00:35:29.000 And you got to see like what a freak athlete Brock Lesnar is. 0.95
00:35:32.000 Then he beats Randy fucking Couture in his fourth professional fight. 0.97
00:35:37.000 And then he beats the fuck out of Frank Mir in the rematch. 0.99
00:35:41.000 And then he comes and it was ruthless. 0.90
00:35:44.000 No, no, no.
00:35:46.000 You have to watch that one.
00:35:48.000 Make Joe bong a beer.
00:35:49.000 Joe, bong a beer real quick.
00:35:50.000 Dude, you need to watch that one. 0.96
00:35:51.000 If you watch that one, he just beats his face to a bloody pulp. 0.95
00:35:56.000 Pull it up! 0.91
00:35:56.000 It's a rough one. 0.91
00:35:58.000 I prefer no pulp.
00:35:59.000 It's a rough one.
00:36:00.000 Look at him.
00:36:01.000 Doesn't seem friendly.
00:36:02.000 It was a terrible scene.
00:36:06.000 The blood already on the ground.
00:36:08.000 I love a UFC. Sucks to get knocked out in Echo shorts. 0.96
00:36:12.000 Right. 0.96
00:36:13.000 So he's going for the knee bar again, but this time Brock knows the defense.
00:36:16.000 Great head of hair on Mir. 1.00
00:36:18.000 Oh yeah, handsome fuck. 1.00
00:36:19.000 Really? 1.00
00:36:19.000 Good looking guy. 1.00
00:36:20.000 And by the way, when he was young, one of the most fucking gifted fighters I've ever seen in my life. 0.94
00:36:24.000 Really? 0.83
00:36:25.000 He has more submissions where he has arm breaks than anybody I've ever even heard of.
00:36:30.000 Two fights in the UFC against world champions, and he broke their arms.
00:36:35.000 Wow!
00:36:36.000 Yeah.
00:36:37.000 Hottest fighter, Carlos Condit.
00:36:39.000 He's a very hot guy.
00:36:40.000 Best looking.
00:36:41.000 Very good.
00:36:41.000 Well, Alan Joban.
00:36:42.000 I don't know him. 0.98
00:36:43.000 Alan Joban, pretty fucking good looking. 0.98
00:36:44.000 Ryan Garcia? 0.98
00:36:45.000 Legitimate model.
00:36:46.000 Ryan Garcia's a handsome fellow.
00:36:48.000 Ryan Garcia's a strong morsel.
00:36:49.000 Ruke Rockhold?
00:36:50.000 He's a hunk.
00:36:50.000 Ruke Rockhold's a hunk, dude.
00:36:52.000 I famously said the only reason anybody gets laid is because Ruke Rockhold didn't show up first.
00:36:56.000 There you go.
00:36:56.000 How about his fight, dude?
00:36:57.000 That was amazing. 0.99
00:36:58.000 That was fucking crazy. 0.99
00:36:59.000 That was amazing. 1.00
00:37:00.000 The blood shit. 1.00
00:37:01.000 That was amazing. 0.99
00:37:02.000 How about when he rubbed the blood all over his face?
00:37:05.000 Dude, for him to come back like that and fight Paolo Costa, if Paolo Costa fit in his shape, he's hot too.
00:37:12.000 He's built like an action figure.
00:37:13.000 Both those guys, that was like best body, best looks.
00:37:15.000 Two hot guys.
00:37:16.000 Two of the hottest guys ever.
00:37:19.000 How many girls finger blasted themselves to that? 1.00
00:37:22.000 Guilty. 1.00
00:37:24.000 I wonder if women do jerk off to this. 1.00
00:37:26.000 If I was a girl and I was alone and I was at home and these two fucking animals would beat each other, fuck yeah. 1.00
00:37:30.000 Where are women jerking off to? 1.00
00:37:32.000 What else would you be waiting for? 1.00
00:37:33.000 Come get this pussy after you're done. 1.00
00:37:36.000 Who's the conqueror? 1.00
00:37:37.000 Who's gonna take me?
00:37:39.000 Yeah.
00:37:40.000 Is that how you would do it?
00:37:41.000 Yeah, if I was a girl.
00:37:42.000 That's my personality in a girl's body. 0.99
00:37:45.000 If I was a girl, that's what I would be.
00:37:47.000 How do you whack off as a guy?
00:37:49.000 Just regularly.
00:37:50.000 I'm going to conquer you.
00:37:51.000 No, I hold it in for a few days. 0.99
00:37:53.000 I try not to jerk off more than twice a week. 0.99
00:37:56.000 What? 0.99
00:37:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:37:58.000 What?
00:37:58.000 Because then I appreciate it.
00:38:00.000 I don't think that's that.
00:38:02.000 Twice a week?
00:38:03.000 I'm a two-a-dayer.
00:38:04.000 What?
00:38:05.000 Yeah, especially on the road.
00:38:07.000 On the road, it's hard.
00:38:08.000 On the road, it's great.
00:38:09.000 It's a great stress reliever before a show. 0.87
00:38:11.000 It's honestly been shown to be that for performers, that performers can jerk off before a show.
00:38:16.000 It alleviates a certain level of anxiety.
00:38:18.000 Don't you get tired, though?
00:38:18.000 Don't you get lackadaisical on stage?
00:38:20.000 I don't.
00:38:21.000 No, but you know what?
00:38:22.000 You gotta warm your body up.
00:38:24.000 Yeah!
00:38:25.000 You know, one of the things that I always do is I pace around.
00:38:27.000 I get moving.
00:38:28.000 Same.
00:38:28.000 I breathe a lot.
00:38:28.000 Like, I feel like if you just sit down and then get up and go on stage, you're not ready to, like, totally perform.
00:38:35.000 Agreed. 0.99
00:38:35.000 I always take fucking... 0.99
00:38:36.000 I keep saying I'm gonna stop doing it, and I take a nap before the fucking show. 1.00
00:38:39.000 Big mistake. 1.00
00:38:40.000 You're all foggy.
00:38:41.000 It's crazy. 1.00
00:38:41.000 And then you wake up and you get there, and you're like, fuck this. 1.00
00:38:43.000 Number one mistake. 1.00
00:38:45.000 Spaghetti.
00:38:46.000 Don't do it.
00:38:47.000 Don't do it. 1.00
00:38:48.000 Spaghetti and meatballs before a fucking show, you're done. 1.00
00:38:52.000 Who did that? 1.00
00:38:53.000 It's me!
00:38:54.000 Me, I'm a guinea. 1.00
00:38:56.000 I'm a fucking idiot. 1.00
00:38:57.000 Bro, when I used to eat pasta all the time, I'm a gorger. 1.00
00:39:01.000 I would eat a giant plate of lasagna, and you'd just feel like I'd hit with a tranquilizer dart.
00:39:08.000 You guys don't want to do this.
00:39:09.000 And when you're a broke comic, you get that free meal at the club.
00:39:11.000 You can't stop eating it.
00:39:13.000 Sit down.
00:39:14.000 Buffalo chicken bites.
00:39:15.000 Yes.
00:39:16.000 Three Bud Lights.
00:39:17.000 Go on stage.
00:39:18.000 I used to book shows.
00:39:19.000 Maybe I'll sit down for this one.
00:39:20.000 I used to book shows at Dangerfields just so I could get a free cheeseburger.
00:39:24.000 Yes.
00:39:24.000 They had killer cheeseburgers at Dangerfields.
00:39:26.000 That club was fucking perfect. 0.99
00:39:27.000 That was a cool club. 0.98
00:39:29.000 Good looking room.
00:39:30.000 The place is the best.
00:39:31.000 I got there at the end, and that was one of the only clubs that would book me at first when I moved to New York.
00:39:35.000 Me too.
00:39:35.000 I would go there, and it would just be me and...
00:39:38.000 Three fucking dudes I'd never heard of. 0.99
00:39:40.000 Super old guys. 1.00
00:39:41.000 Old fucking dudes. 1.00
00:39:43.000 Weird guys that only worked there. 1.00
00:39:46.000 And then you get in there, and there's four people in the room.
00:39:49.000 Oh yeah.
00:39:50.000 Four people, total.
00:39:50.000 And the piano takes up 98% of the stage.
00:39:53.000 And it was still smoky.
00:39:53.000 Dude, it was nuts.
00:39:55.000 It was so weird.
00:39:56.000 Dangerfields was so weird.
00:39:57.000 It's like, this shouldn't even be here.
00:39:59.000 That room was perfect, though.
00:40:00.000 Time capsule.
00:40:00.000 It was a cool room.
00:40:01.000 I used to do prom shows there.
00:40:02.000 Did you ever do prom shows?
00:40:03.000 No, I did those at Caroline's.
00:40:05.000 Prom shows are madness.
00:40:07.000 This is how it works.
00:40:08.000 The show starts at like 4 p.m., okay?
00:40:10.000 And you have shows all night long.
00:40:12.000 You get out of there at like 4 a.m.
00:40:14.000 They just keep pumping kids in there, and they don't tell anybody to leave.
00:40:17.000 So they tell you, they want you to do your same set over and over again so the kids get bored and they leave.
00:40:22.000 But the kids get on stage.
00:40:24.000 I watch a kid go on stage and take the mic from a comic and blow cigar smoke. 1.00
00:40:30.000 Some big football player fuck. 1.00
00:40:31.000 Some big 17 year old kid from Long Island. 1.00
00:40:34.000 The guy's out there with a cigar and takes the fucking microphone from the comic. 1.00
00:40:39.000 It's chaos. 0.99
00:40:39.000 Hilarious. 0.99
00:40:39.000 The key is to just call one kid a virgin and it would murder. 0.99
00:40:43.000 That was my ace up my sleeve. 0.99
00:40:44.000 Just destroy that kid's life. 0.99
00:40:45.000 He is! 1.00
00:40:47.000 He's a school shooter. 0.79
00:40:48.000 I'm trying to do well for ten minutes. 1.00
00:40:50.000 I'm going to ruin your fucking high school. 1.00
00:40:52.000 Oh my god. 1.00
00:40:53.000 They were little fucking animals. 1.00
00:40:55.000 They had those teen tour ones at the improv where it was like summertime. 1.00
00:40:58.000 They'd be on a teen tour and they'd be like, hey, just so you know, it's a teen tour.
00:41:01.000 They didn't tell me that until I got there.
00:41:04.000 I was in the room.
00:41:05.000 14, 15 year olds.
00:41:08.000 And I go, I'm not going to change my act.
00:41:09.000 I go, if you want these kids to go to a nightclub, I'm not going to change my act.
00:41:14.000 I'm not going to change my act.
00:41:17.000 And they want it dirty. 0.87
00:41:18.000 Yeah, I got extra dirty. 0.99
00:41:19.000 They love sex jokes. 0.99
00:41:20.000 But if you want a weird sex move, they'd be like, I don't understand this. 0.96
00:41:23.000 That's so irresponsible, though.
00:41:25.000 The parents, do they know?
00:41:29.000 I don't know what we're saying.
00:41:30.000 Did you take him to the comedy store?
00:41:32.000 The comedy store did it, but the improv did it.
00:41:35.000 Yeah.
00:41:35.000 That must have been so fun as a kid, though.
00:41:37.000 Oh my god, I'd be the best.
00:41:38.000 I know, our prom sucked compared to that.
00:41:40.000 I mean, we just got blacked out.
00:41:41.000 Same. 0.99
00:41:42.000 It would have been fun to get fucked up and go to a comedy show. 0.99
00:41:44.000 Imagine being in high school and seeing a comedy show. 0.99
00:41:47.000 What was the best thing that ever happened in high school?
00:41:48.000 You go to the museum.
00:41:49.000 Go to the woods.
00:41:50.000 Right, a field trip.
00:41:51.000 Go to the woods. 1.00
00:41:51.000 Get fucked up in the woods. 1.00
00:41:53.000 That shit ruled. 1.00
00:41:54.000 Yeah, but that was not in school. 1.00
00:41:55.000 Oh, oh, yeah.
00:41:56.000 I mean, they took them there for school.
00:41:59.000 It's like a part of this school project.
00:42:01.000 Field trip, yeah.
00:42:02.000 We got a party bus.
00:42:03.000 Remember those?
00:42:04.000 Ooh, nice.
00:42:04.000 Those were fun.
00:42:05.000 I got blown on the bus.
00:42:07.000 It was a big highlight of my life.
00:42:08.000 What?
00:42:08.000 In high school you got blown on the bus?
00:42:10.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:42:10.000 That's fucking nice. 0.99
00:42:11.000 I brought a date. 0.98
00:42:12.000 Was everybody there?
00:42:13.000 He was a good guy.
00:42:16.000 No, you guys didn't do party buses? 0.99
00:42:17.000 Did you get shit houses? 0.99
00:42:19.000 In high school, you guys get drunk on a bus? 0.99
00:42:21.000 It was fun.
00:42:22.000 Everybody was getting blown.
00:42:23.000 Jerked off.
00:42:24.000 It was good times. 0.97
00:42:24.000 Yeah, we used to do group jerk-offs and blows and fingers. 0.97
00:42:28.000 We did all this stuff.
00:42:30.000 Spanish sword fight?
00:42:31.000 Yes. 1.00
00:42:32.000 Did you guys jerk off with your friends? 1.00
00:42:33.000 Oh yeah. 1.00
00:42:34.000 Sleepaway camp.
00:42:35.000 What?
00:42:35.000 Never.
00:42:36.000 That's a bonding experience.
00:42:37.000 It was never even brought up in conversation.
00:42:40.000 Oh, see, that's the 70s.
00:42:42.000 You had to tell everybody, like, it's great.
00:42:44.000 Those were different times.
00:42:45.000 They were different times.
00:42:46.000 We bottled everything.
00:42:47.000 And Boston.
00:42:47.000 Yeah, when did people start jerking each other off?
00:42:49.000 Jerk each other off. 0.99
00:42:51.000 No, not each other. 0.87
00:42:52.000 Come on, you can tell me why.
00:42:53.000 You got a corner of the room, you know?
00:42:54.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:42:55.000 I'll take your side.
00:42:56.000 Do you look at each other eye to eye or never?
00:42:58.000 It'll happen.
00:42:59.000 It'll happen.
00:43:00.000 I got a story about it.
00:43:01.000 It's kind of long.
00:43:02.000 Oh, hit me, baby.
00:43:03.000 All right.
00:43:04.000 So every year, me and my friends would go out to Notre Dame.
00:43:06.000 My dad would take us to the Notre Dame spring game.
00:43:09.000 But my dad, he drinks a little bit, so he would occasionally get drunk and invite a guy from the Knights of Columbus to be like, you want to come to Notre Dame with me and my friends?
00:43:16.000 But for real, we would rent a van and me and like 10 of my friends.
00:43:20.000 So there's 10 of us.
00:43:21.000 We're all in seventh grade.
00:43:22.000 And then my dad and like three other guys that are drunk dudes.
00:43:27.000 So they take us to Notre Dame.
00:43:29.000 Anyway, long story, we get in a hotel room.
00:43:32.000 We're whacking off.
00:43:33.000 Sure. 0.99
00:43:34.000 But before we whack off, one of the guys my dad invited, he's this like old fucking dude, blacked out at the bar and they had to take him home. 0.99
00:43:41.000 Oh god. 0.98
00:43:41.000 So they take him home, throw him on the bed in one of the rooms we have, and then they go back to the bar. 0.98
00:43:46.000 Then me and my friends are like... 1.00
00:43:49.000 Let's fuck with this guy a little bit so we're slapping him, screaming in his face, shit like that. 1.00
00:43:53.000 He's not waking up. 1.00
00:43:54.000 He's not waking up.
00:43:55.000 Dude, we set an alarm clock next to his head and set it for a minute later and turned the lights off.
00:43:59.000 Everybody hid.
00:44:00.000 It's one of my happiest memories.
00:44:02.000 That's great. 0.94
00:44:02.000 I thought you were going to say you jerked off one. 0.94
00:44:04.000 But then... 0.99
00:44:04.000 No, we didn't jerk off on him. 0.99
00:44:06.000 Okay. 0.99
00:44:07.000 But we jerked off.
00:44:08.000 Everybody whacked off while he was asleep.
00:44:10.000 This guy was passed out laying in bed.
00:44:13.000 When you say everybody, how many kids?
00:44:14.000 Eight dudes.
00:44:17.000 Eight seventh graders.
00:44:20.000 This guy missed out. 0.99
00:44:23.000 What, like, all around him, like a fucking seance? 0.99
00:44:25.000 Like a seance? 0.99
00:44:27.000 It was.
00:44:28.000 It was.
00:44:30.000 Dude, he was asleep, a dude was next to him in the bed, and his body was shaking from the outside.
00:44:36.000 Oh no!
00:44:38.000 Was it hard to get off with that old guy there?
00:44:41.000 I did.
00:44:42.000 It was seventh grade.
00:44:45.000 But then everybody comes.
00:44:50.000 Some people might have faked it.
00:44:54.000 We get done.
00:44:55.000 The room, by the way, the room stinks.
00:45:00.000 Just BO and jizz from 7th graders. 0.85
00:45:04.000 It's all that Capri Sun and Cheeto jizz. 0.99
00:45:08.000 And then my buddy goes, alright, so as soon as we got done coming, everyone's like, alright, let's keep fucking with this old guy. 1.00
00:45:14.000 Dude, my buddy shoved his hand in his ass. 1.00
00:45:18.000 What? 1.00
00:45:18.000 So he pulled his pants down. 1.00
00:45:22.000 It was just a crease.
00:45:24.000 It wasn't in the hole.
00:45:25.000 It was a crease.
00:45:26.000 I get that. 1.00
00:45:27.000 He gave him a fucking credit card swipe. 1.00
00:45:29.000 But that's what woke him up. 1.00
00:45:30.000 He was like, oh shit. 1.00
00:45:31.000 It's better than smelling salts. 1.00
00:45:33.000 The ass puncture. 1.00
00:45:35.000 He woke up and he was like, you kids got fucking problems. 1.00
00:45:37.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:45:38.000 I was awake the whole time. 1.00
00:45:41.000 I saw everything.
00:45:42.000 If he woke up like...
00:45:43.000 Oh my god.
00:45:45.000 But he kicked us out and then locked the door.
00:45:49.000 He was blacked out. 1.00
00:45:49.000 He was shitfaced. 1.00
00:45:50.000 And then he went back to sleep, but his pants were still down at his ankles. 0.99
00:45:54.000 Porn's still on the TV. We go down to the front desk.
00:45:58.000 We're in Mishawaka, Indiana.
00:46:00.000 We go down to the front desk and ask the dude, like, can you let us back in?
00:46:04.000 Our uncle locked us out.
00:46:05.000 And he was like, alright.
00:46:07.000 There's nine boys.
00:46:08.000 There's seven boys.
00:46:09.000 Like, can you let us back in?
00:46:10.000 So he's like, alright.
00:46:11.000 So he lets us in, opens the door, the smell.
00:46:13.000 He's like...
00:46:16.000 And then he opens the door and there's an old man with his pants down asleep. 0.77
00:46:20.000 And he's like, uh, alright, yeah, go ahead.
00:46:24.000 He let us back in, yeah.
00:46:25.000 Wow.
00:46:26.000 Oh my god, what a night.
00:46:27.000 Did you guys have the same story?
00:46:29.000 Like, you ever talk in the future?
00:46:30.000 Like, hey, if this comes up...
00:46:32.000 Maybe we don't say it on the world's largest platform.
00:46:36.000 We didn't jerk off in front of each other.
00:46:38.000 Shane, you're going to find an opportunity.
00:46:40.000 One of us is going to find an opportunity to get this word out there.
00:46:42.000 The B.O. and jizz smell. 0.86
00:46:44.000 I can smell it.
00:46:46.000 I can smell it.
00:46:47.000 This is pre-internet.
00:46:48.000 You had to make your own fun.
00:46:49.000 That was fun stuff.
00:46:50.000 Dude, whacking off together was great.
00:46:51.000 It was great!
00:46:53.000 I still have fond memories.
00:46:54.000 I remember I made a kid taste it.
00:46:55.000 I was like, I dare you to taste it. 0.97
00:46:56.000 And he tasted his jizz. 0.95
00:46:58.000 We still call him Jizzy. 0.63
00:47:00.000 Oh my god, Jizzy.
00:47:02.000 I got Jizzy forever, right?
00:47:03.000 Jizzy Gillespie. 1.00
00:47:04.000 I mean, if you sip cum, you're fucking... 1.00
00:47:08.000 He didn't sip it, he just did one of these. 1.00
00:47:10.000 He tasted yours.
00:47:12.000 Taste your own.
00:47:12.000 He tasted his own.
00:47:14.000 But then he's like, let me make sure it's not...
00:47:15.000 I thought he tasted your juice.
00:47:16.000 That's what I thought, too.
00:47:17.000 That's what I thought, too.
00:47:18.000 No, no, no.
00:47:19.000 Have you tasted his own?
00:47:20.000 I've tasted my own.
00:47:20.000 I'm sure you have.
00:47:21.000 You have, too.
00:47:22.000 I have never. 0.99
00:47:22.000 Shut up. 0.99
00:47:23.000 Well, with that mustache. 1.00
00:47:24.000 I just leave it there for later.
00:47:28.000 What is the stache?
00:47:29.000 I shaved my beard and then left it.
00:47:31.000 I like it.
00:47:32.000 It looks good.
00:47:32.000 It's a solid stache.
00:47:33.000 It looks good on you.
00:47:34.000 It came in full.
00:47:34.000 I didn't have to grow it in.
00:47:35.000 Pull up a picture of Richard Petty.
00:47:37.000 I'm telling you.
00:47:38.000 Oh, yeah.
00:47:39.000 Ari had a Hitler mustache for a little bit. 1.00
00:47:41.000 Oh, that's fun.
00:47:42.000 I lost a bet.
00:47:42.000 I had to do it for a week in Myanmar.
00:47:43.000 Hitler mustache. 0.73
00:47:45.000 In Myanmar? 0.69
00:47:45.000 In Myanmar, too. 0.69
00:47:46.000 Somebody's team won the Super Bowl.
00:47:47.000 Like, not mine.
00:47:48.000 The bet was pay it off.
00:47:49.000 You say in another country you had to do it?
00:47:51.000 It was great. 1.00
00:47:51.000 They didn't even know what the fuck Hitler was. 1.00
00:47:53.000 It's the perfect place to do it. 0.99
00:47:55.000 Look at that.
00:47:56.000 Come on.
00:47:57.000 That's better than his. 1.00
00:47:58.000 You got a fucking broom up there. 1.00
00:48:00.000 It's a solid mustache, Ari. 1.00
00:48:01.000 It's impressive.
00:48:02.000 Yeah, you look good.
00:48:03.000 It looks good.
00:48:03.000 Look at that!
00:48:05.000 That's quite a click broom.
00:48:07.000 There it is!
00:48:08.000 There it is!
00:48:08.000 Come on!
00:48:11.000 His is much fuller.
00:48:13.000 Ari's is much more impressive.
00:48:14.000 Way more fuller.
00:48:15.000 You got a Nietzsche.
00:48:15.000 That's the thing about mustaches.
00:48:16.000 If I can see your lips through the mustache, I think you're a creep. 0.96
00:48:20.000 Hey! 0.99
00:48:20.000 Sorry. 0.99
00:48:21.000 You got an Asian. 1.00
00:48:22.000 It's like, that's a mustache.
00:48:23.000 That's a stache.
00:48:24.000 The other thing is an attempt.
00:48:26.000 That's a young Ari.
00:48:27.000 When I can see too much face through the mustache, I get concerned.
00:48:32.000 What are you doing?
00:48:32.000 Nothing.
00:48:33.000 Why are you doing this stuff?
00:48:35.000 Why are you doing that stuff?
00:48:36.000 It's not about you.
00:48:37.000 We're having a good time.
00:48:37.000 Now all of a sudden there's personal attacks.
00:48:39.000 It's a little wispy.
00:48:40.000 I think it looks good on you.
00:48:42.000 Thank you, Joe.
00:48:44.000 I knew.
00:48:44.000 Thank you.
00:48:45.000 A lot of guys couldn't pull it off.
00:48:46.000 I tried to do the goatee once.
00:48:48.000 Ah, boy.
00:48:49.000 For one day, I shaved it in my own house and never even went out with it.
00:48:52.000 I had a full beard, and then I said, let me just see what it looks like, I'll walk around the house.
00:48:57.000 Every guy has done that.
00:48:58.000 You do all the styles.
00:48:59.000 If I could grow a beard, I'd have a beard.
00:49:02.000 Oh, you can't grow one?
00:49:03.000 No.
00:49:04.000 Is that Irish? 1.00
00:49:05.000 I don't know what the fuck it is. 1.00
00:49:06.000 I can grow one that goes all the way up to my fucking cheeks. 1.00
00:49:09.000 Yeah, same. 1.00
00:49:11.000 Sicilian?
00:49:11.000 It's like, yeah.
00:49:12.000 As I get older, I keep getting hairier.
00:49:15.000 It's like, my ears are hairy now.
00:49:17.000 Yeah, that happens.
00:49:18.000 It's the worst. 1.00
00:49:18.000 The geezers with the fucking... 1.00
00:49:19.000 They pop around my ears. 1.00
00:49:20.000 I have to shave the outside of my ears.
00:49:22.000 Yeah, me too.
00:49:23.000 Can you transplant your ear hair to the top of your head?
00:49:25.000 And my eyebrow hairs are longer than they've ever been before.
00:49:29.000 Get those follicles up there.
00:49:30.000 My eyebrow hairs are oddly long.
00:49:32.000 Yeah, one or two grow long, right?
00:49:34.000 Right.
00:49:35.000 They're long.
00:49:36.000 It's weird.
00:49:36.000 I let them go.
00:49:37.000 Do you?
00:49:37.000 I let them, yeah.
00:49:38.000 Some people trim them.
00:49:40.000 I feel like that's too much work.
00:49:42.000 Gotta make a wish on the long ones.
00:49:43.000 I fold it up, then I hit it with the razor, with the electric.
00:49:46.000 Really?
00:49:46.000 I let them go.
00:49:47.000 Fuck it. 1.00
00:49:47.000 Every barber I go to is like, you want to do your eyebrows? 1.00
00:49:49.000 I'm like, no.
00:49:50.000 Yeah, I say no.
00:49:50.000 You should.
00:49:51.000 You should do your vanilla ice.
00:49:53.000 What does he do?
00:49:54.000 You know, with the little shave marks.
00:49:55.000 Yeah, tattooed them underneath.
00:49:57.000 Wait, Vanilla Ice was the first?
00:49:59.000 No, he couldn't have been the first.
00:50:00.000 Oh, yeah.
00:50:01.000 Well, he was very popular for doing it at a time where I think a lot of people were doing it.
00:50:06.000 He was probably the first white. 0.57
00:50:07.000 He was probably the first white. 0.57
00:50:08.000 Yeah.
00:50:08.000 He brought it to the world.
00:50:10.000 Yeah, he had stuff shaved in the side of his head.
00:50:13.000 I remember that.
00:50:15.000 That was cool.
00:50:15.000 They started doing that.
00:50:15.000 That was tough.
00:50:16.000 Tough times.
00:50:17.000 The eyebrow thing is a weird move, right?
00:50:19.000 The little swipes on the eyebrow.
00:50:21.000 Yeah, that's pretty sick.
00:50:21.000 I don't even need my whole eyebrow.
00:50:22.000 Where does that grow back to?
00:50:24.000 That's pretty sick.
00:50:24.000 That's a funny way to think about it.
00:50:26.000 There it is.
00:50:27.000 Whoa! 0.71
00:50:27.000 That's a look. 0.71
00:50:28.000 That looks good.
00:50:29.000 Ah, but he's like Armenian or something.
00:50:32.000 What does that mean?
00:50:33.000 Turkish? 0.54
00:50:34.000 Yeah, if you're too honky.
00:50:36.000 I like what she's doing there.
00:50:37.000 That's an Asian boy.
00:50:38.000 That's a hot boy.
00:50:39.000 I like what he's doing there.
00:50:40.000 It's one of the K-pop boys. 0.59
00:50:41.000 I like what they are doing there.
00:50:42.000 Is that really a boy?
00:50:43.000 That's a they. 1.00
00:50:44.000 Don't bullshit me. 1.00
00:50:44.000 What the fuck is happening here? 1.00
00:50:47.000 What is this lady up to? 1.00
00:50:49.000 Oh my god.
00:50:50.000 I'm into it.
00:50:50.000 This is trickery.
00:50:52.000 Oh, is that a boy too?
00:50:54.000 I can't tell anymore.
00:50:55.000 The lines are blurred.
00:50:57.000 What are they doing?
00:50:59.000 Have you ever seen those Asian makeup removal videos?
00:51:01.000 So here's Vanilla Ice.
00:51:02.000 Yeah, look at that. 1.00
00:51:04.000 Vanilla Ice is a fucking man. 1.00
00:51:07.000 That's like 40% alopecia. 1.00
00:51:09.000 That's what he's doing.
00:51:11.000 He's showing 40% alopecia. 1.00
00:51:12.000 He's like, if I had alopecia, I'd still be hot as fuck. 1.00
00:51:15.000 His wife punched Tony Rook. 1.00
00:51:16.000 Was he the first person to make Kissy Face?
00:51:19.000 Ooh, duck face.
00:51:20.000 Look at him.
00:51:21.000 Look at him duck facing.
00:51:22.000 Was it all from Vanilla Ice?
00:51:23.000 Did we forget?
00:51:24.000 Marilyn Monroe.
00:51:26.000 But did she do it like that, like this? 0.97
00:51:28.000 No.
00:51:28.000 I don't know.
00:51:30.000 Was Vanilla Ice the first kissy face? 0.99
00:51:32.000 He's fucking pouty. 1.00
00:51:32.000 He's pouty. 1.00
00:51:33.000 He does a- Oh, every picture.
00:51:35.000 He had his post out.
00:51:36.000 He's a handsome dude.
00:51:37.000 It's funny, too, that he was just trying to be like, this is what black eyes look like. 0.99
00:51:41.000 That's what I was thinking.
00:51:42.000 You gotta get the lips up.
00:51:43.000 Did you ever see that there was a photographic book with Madonna and Madonna and him are in a lot of these photos.
00:51:54.000 Really wild looking photos. 0.99
00:51:55.000 I'm sure they fucked. 0.99
00:51:56.000 Where Madonna was like, She's a wild lady. 1.00
00:51:58.000 Oh, yeah.
00:51:59.000 You see her lately?
00:52:00.000 You see her lately? 0.99
00:52:01.000 She looks nuts. 0.98
00:52:03.000 Pull her up. 0.99
00:52:04.000 It's not her best. 0.99
00:52:05.000 She looks nuts. 0.97
00:52:06.000 Still got a body. 0.99
00:52:07.000 No, she's a dude. 0.99
00:52:09.000 Enjoy it.
00:52:10.000 She's hanging on as long as she can, and she's doing as good as a 65-year-old woman has ever done. 0.85
00:52:15.000 She's aging so gracefully.
00:52:16.000 How old is she now? 0.92
00:52:17.000 She's got to be 81. Regular 65-year-olds are beating her now. 0.98
00:52:22.000 Have you seen her lately?
00:52:23.000 No.
00:52:24.000 She's pulling her up out there.
00:52:25.000 I'm not saying she's not nice.
00:52:27.000 She seems to be doing things.
00:52:28.000 Uh-oh.
00:52:30.000 She put out a video.
00:52:32.000 She looked like wet. 1.00
00:52:33.000 She made a deal with the sample. 0.98
00:52:34.000 Doing things to enhance her appearance.
00:52:38.000 Let's see it.
00:52:38.000 I remember one time I was really, really, really high, and I was in the green room of, I think it was Brea, and we're watching TV and Comedy Central's on, and There's this video.
00:52:54.000 Joan Rivers had a television show with her daughter. 0.98
00:52:57.000 I remember being super high and watching Joan Rivers on TV going, holy shit. 0.99
00:53:04.000 The filler stuff? 0.99
00:53:06.000 Wait, what? 1.00
00:53:07.000 She looks hot as fuck. 1.00
00:53:10.000 That's Madonna on the left? 1.00
00:53:11.000 That's what she looks like! 1.00
00:53:12.000 Shut up! 1.00
00:53:14.000 I'm not listening. 1.00
00:53:15.000 She's truly better looking than me.
00:53:18.000 She actually looks great. 1.00
00:53:19.000 She looks hot as fuck. 1.00
00:53:20.000 She looks great. 1.00
00:53:21.000 She looks hot as fuck. 1.00
00:53:22.000 This is ridiculous. 1.00
00:53:24.000 Okay, even if she looks 50% as good as- Find the wet video. 0.98
00:53:28.000 Hold on.
00:53:28.000 Look at that picture with her and Jimmy Fallon.
00:53:30.000 Click on that one.
00:53:31.000 Click on that one.
00:53:32.000 That's gotta be what she looks like. 1.00
00:53:34.000 Oh, yeah.
00:53:34.000 Well, you can see there's a lot of work.
00:53:36.000 Bro, she doesn't look good. 0.96
00:53:37.000 I mean, she doesn't look bad at all.
00:53:38.000 Yeah, I take that back.
00:53:39.000 She doesn't look bad at all.
00:53:40.000 She looks hot. 0.98
00:53:40.000 For 65, but no one competes with J-Lo. 0.98
00:53:42.000 I believe she's 60. I take it back. 0.74
00:53:45.000 That's another 10, 15 years, though, dude.
00:53:47.000 Yeah, I guess you're right. 0.99
00:53:48.000 She looks hot as fuck. 1.00
00:53:49.000 Yeah, she looks pretty good. 1.00
00:53:49.000 I thought she was crazy. 1.00
00:53:50.000 For the record, take it back.
00:53:51.000 I think it's weird photos she takes.
00:53:53.000 Takes a big man.
00:53:54.000 She takes a lot of weird photos.
00:53:55.000 Super heavy makeup.
00:53:56.000 You know, she's doing the sexy thing. 1.00
00:53:58.000 Jamie, you fucked me. 1.00
00:53:58.000 64. You fucked me, Jamie. 1.00
00:54:00.000 Show the crazy ones. 1.00
00:54:01.000 It's true, though. 0.82
00:54:02.000 She's doing the sexy thing while she's older, and some people have a problem with that. 1.00
00:54:06.000 Yeah, it's gross.
00:54:07.000 But why? 1.00
00:54:08.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99
00:54:09.000 That's what she likes. 1.00
00:54:10.000 It's like a baseball player.
00:54:11.000 No more baseball.
00:54:12.000 But I still like it.
00:54:14.000 That's what they do.
00:54:15.000 She was sexy for her whole life. 0.99
00:54:17.000 Why should she stop now?
00:54:19.000 That's as hot as you can get at 64. That's true.
00:54:21.000 My dad's like 65. He should start.
00:54:23.000 Imagine!
00:54:23.000 Just like Madonna.
00:54:24.000 Imagine if your dad brought her home. 1.00
00:54:25.000 You'd be like, fuck yeah, dad. 1.00
00:54:27.000 Nice pull. 1.00
00:54:28.000 Good point.
00:54:28.000 Nice, dad.
00:54:29.000 We'd have a group wacko. 0.98
00:54:30.000 If that was your dad's new girlfriend, you know how fucking pumped you would be if it wasn't Madonna? 1.00
00:54:34.000 God, I hate my mom. 1.00
00:54:34.000 So fucking ugly, dude. 1.00
00:54:36.000 Really? 1.00
00:54:36.000 What a great stepmom for her. 1.00
00:54:38.000 Pull her up! 1.00
00:54:39.000 Let's see her. 0.99
00:54:41.000 Dad, how come you're on fucking Madonna right now? 1.00
00:54:44.000 I think you want an ugly mom, though. 1.00
00:54:46.000 My mom's no prize either, and that's good. 0.98
00:54:47.000 They're better cooks.
00:54:48.000 No, my mom's not ugly. 0.93
00:54:49.000 That's not what I've seen.
00:54:51.000 But I've never seen your mom.
00:54:53.000 Put the sunglasses back on.
00:54:54.000 Alright.
00:54:55.000 What's wrong with you, dude?
00:54:57.000 He's talking about his mom!
00:54:59.000 I'm sorry, I assume your mom is not a hot lady. 1.00
00:55:02.000 Why?
00:55:03.000 Well...
00:55:04.000 Because of me? 1.00
00:55:05.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:55:06.000 Mechanicsburg, you... 1.00
00:55:07.000 I don't know.
00:55:10.000 I'm not knocking her, but...
00:55:12.000 You clearly are.
00:55:12.000 We lost Ari already.
00:55:13.000 Ari's gotta pee. 1.00
00:55:14.000 Ari's mom's gotta be hideous. 1.00
00:55:16.000 Going to the bathroom, right? 0.99
00:55:16.000 Bathroom. 0.99
00:55:16.000 Thank you. 0.99
00:55:17.000 Alright.
00:55:18.000 No, it was unfortunate, because my mom just...
00:55:20.000 It was funny.
00:55:20.000 My mom in the group...
00:55:22.000 My family group text sent a picture from her 50th.
00:55:26.000 She looked hot. 0.99
00:55:27.000 Oh, can we see?
00:55:28.000 Not hot, but she looked pretty. 0.99
00:55:30.000 That's why she sent it. 1.00
00:55:31.000 I looked like a fucking blimp. 0.99
00:55:32.000 It was right after I quit football and was just dying. 1.00
00:55:36.000 Yeah.
00:55:37.000 I was fat, too.
00:55:37.000 I was like, delete these.
00:55:38.000 What are you doing?
00:55:39.000 In my college years.
00:55:40.000 Plus, it's all booze. 0.97
00:55:41.000 You're just a puffy dweeb. 0.76
00:55:42.000 I quit football and still was eating like I was playing football. 0.94
00:55:46.000 Oh, that's common.
00:55:47.000 And then drinking.
00:55:48.000 Dude, I was 320 pounds.
00:55:50.000 Whoa! 0.71
00:55:52.000 Yeah, I was a fat kid.
00:55:53.000 And my mom looks pretty in it. 0.56
00:55:54.000 I was like, come on, mom.
00:55:55.000 Yeah.
00:55:56.000 Knock it off.
00:55:57.000 Don't outshine me.
00:55:58.000 Imagine if you release a Netflix special, okay?
00:56:00.000 And then Netflix has, like, a big party.
00:56:03.000 And Madonna shows up.
00:56:05.000 Yeah.
00:56:05.000 And your dad's there.
00:56:06.000 Madonna and your dad start chatting.
00:56:09.000 And you're like, oh my god. 1.00
00:56:11.000 And you realize your dad's about to fuck Madonna. 1.00
00:56:14.000 That's amazing. 1.00
00:56:15.000 I mean, I would let my dad die. 0.53
00:56:19.000 To do that. 0.93
00:56:20.000 Like, if I knew...
00:56:21.000 I would love to see your dad talk to her, like, hey, do you like the Eagles? 0.99
00:56:25.000 If you're a 65-year-old man and that's your wife, you're fucking pumped. 0.99
00:56:29.000 Of course! 0.99
00:56:31.000 Is she single?
00:56:32.000 Just dim the lights a little.
00:56:34.000 She looks great!
00:56:35.000 She looks great!
00:56:35.000 Yeah.
00:56:36.000 I've always had a thing for her.
00:56:37.000 She just oozes six. 1.00
00:56:38.000 You want to know what's hilarious?
00:56:39.000 When I was in high school, I was 17, I had a giant crush on her.
00:56:42.000 Then I found out she was 26. I was like, oh my god, she's so old.
00:56:48.000 That's funny.
00:56:50.000 That's hilarious.
00:56:52.000 Madonna look up dress.
00:56:54.000 That's how she actually looks.
00:56:55.000 Which one?
00:56:56.000 The one in the black dress with the sunglasses?
00:56:59.000 That's her without getting ready. 1.00
00:57:01.000 Without any filters. 0.85
00:57:02.000 That's a monster.
00:57:03.000 No!
00:57:05.000 Ari, you're 48, dude. 1.00
00:57:06.000 You look like shit. 1.00
00:57:07.000 I look a billion times better than that. 1.00
00:57:09.000 Wow.
00:57:10.000 She made a deal with the devil and it all fell apart all at once. 1.00
00:57:13.000 She fucked Prince. 1.00
00:57:15.000 Damn, Yankees. 1.00
00:57:15.000 There is a thing. 1.00
00:57:16.000 Yeah, that's pretty cool.
00:57:17.000 And Tupac.
00:57:18.000 Rodman?
00:57:18.000 And Tupac.
00:57:20.000 There's a thing that's weird about a really attractive older woman that tries too hard and has a bunch of plastic surgery and then you become kind of like almost a monster. 0.99
00:57:29.000 Yeah.
00:57:30.000 You're describing a few comedians.
00:57:33.000 Yikes.
00:57:34.000 She is Italian.
00:57:35.000 What is that supposed to be?
00:57:37.000 A lot of those ladies hang in there. 1.00
00:57:38.000 Yeah, I guess Madonna is Italian.
00:57:40.000 Yeah, yeah, big whop. 0.99
00:57:41.000 So is Gaga. 1.00
00:57:42.000 She's a huge guinea. 1.00
00:57:43.000 I meant the name. 0.86
00:57:43.000 No, Gaga's Jewish. 0.86
00:57:45.000 No!
00:57:46.000 Big Dago. 1.00
00:57:48.000 You sure?
00:57:48.000 Oh, yeah.
00:57:49.000 I thought she was Jewish.
00:57:50.000 Pull her up.
00:57:51.000 What is Lady Gaga's real name? 1.00
00:57:53.000 Her real name is like Guga Nanana Lasagna or something crazy.
00:57:56.000 Look at that, Germanotta. 1.00
00:57:58.000 I'm way wrong.
00:57:59.000 Stefani Germanotta.
00:58:00.000 You tried to claim him as one of yours.
00:58:01.000 See what he did there?
00:58:02.000 You wish.
00:58:03.000 I saw it.
00:58:03.000 She's on an old episode of a hidden camera show before Gaga.
00:58:06.000 He's so ethnocentric.
00:58:07.000 That's all he talks about.
00:58:08.000 He tried to claim it as his own people.
00:58:10.000 Stick with Barbra Streisand, you heeb. 1.00
00:58:13.000 He dances around his house, he tucks, and he plays My Poker Face.
00:58:18.000 It's good music!
00:58:24.000 Dance around, just tucking.
00:58:26.000 She's a talent.
00:58:27.000 She's very talented.
00:58:28.000 Yeah, she looked good.
00:58:31.000 How's Gucci?
00:58:32.000 No, I didn't see that one.
00:58:33.000 I saw it.
00:58:33.000 It was pretty good.
00:58:34.000 I like anything Ridley Scott does. 0.99
00:58:36.000 Ridley Scott fucking rules. 0.98
00:58:38.000 He's great. 1.00
00:58:39.000 He makes some great shit, man. 1.00
00:58:40.000 Did he die? 1.00
00:58:41.000 Alien.
00:58:41.000 No, he's still alive.
00:58:42.000 One of them died.
00:58:43.000 I don't think Ridley Scott.
00:58:44.000 Maybe I'm wrong.
00:58:45.000 No, Ridley Scott's still alive.
00:58:46.000 There's two of them.
00:58:47.000 There's Ridley and...
00:58:48.000 Dennis Scott for the magic?
00:58:49.000 No, there's two Scots.
00:58:51.000 Ridley Scott and...
00:58:54.000 Ah, one of them died.
00:58:55.000 Ridley Scott.
00:58:56.000 He rules.
00:58:57.000 The first Alien movie.
00:58:58.000 I watched that again.
00:58:59.000 So good. 0.99
00:59:00.000 God damn it's good. 0.99
00:59:01.000 You know why? 0.99
00:59:02.000 It's such a good movie.
00:59:02.000 Nowhere to go.
00:59:03.000 It hit pace.
00:59:04.000 It hit good pace.
00:59:05.000 His brother is Tony Scott.
00:59:06.000 Tony Scott.
00:59:07.000 Did he die?
00:59:07.000 Tony Scott!
00:59:08.000 Thank you!
00:59:09.000 Did Tony Scott die?
00:59:10.000 Yeah, he died in 2012. Thank you.
00:59:12.000 He directed Top Gun.
00:59:14.000 Ten years ago. 0.55
00:59:15.000 What the hell are you talking about?
00:59:15.000 You guys still didn't know.
00:59:17.000 Ridley Scott just made House of Gucci.
00:59:20.000 What's that about?
00:59:20.000 Gucci?
00:59:21.000 Well, no.
00:59:21.000 I mean, we were talking about a movie that just came out.
00:59:23.000 I see.
00:59:24.000 How was that?
00:59:25.000 It was fine.
00:59:26.000 I'm gay for a lot of those people that are in that.
00:59:29.000 I like a good movie.
00:59:29.000 I like Adam Driver.
00:59:30.000 Did you see...
00:59:31.000 I love Adam Driver.
00:59:32.000 Yeah, he's awesome.
00:59:32.000 He's great.
00:59:33.000 He's very good.
00:59:34.000 Does he?
00:59:35.000 Loves comedy.
00:59:36.000 Came to a few shows.
00:59:37.000 Makes sense. 1.00
00:59:38.000 Fucking killer actor. 0.99
00:59:39.000 I was watching this one scene from some movie he played in about a dysfunctional relationship with him and the wife just screaming and yelling at each other. 1.00
00:59:45.000 Marriage story.
00:59:47.000 Incredible.
00:59:48.000 Incredible.
00:59:49.000 Powerful.
00:59:50.000 It depressed me so much just watching the clip that I didn't want to watch the movie.
00:59:53.000 I don't think I want to watch it.
00:59:54.000 I don't need this in my life.
00:59:55.000 It's heavy.
00:59:55.000 But his acting is insane.
00:59:57.000 Insane. 1.00
00:59:58.000 My favorite moment of his when he took off that fucking Vader mask. 1.00
01:00:01.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:00:09.000 It's too good.
01:00:10.000 It's too accurate.
01:00:12.000 It's too accurate.
01:00:12.000 We've all had that fight.
01:00:13.000 It's so good that it's like, I want bullshit. 1.00
01:00:17.000 Bullshit, man. 1.00
01:00:18.000 I want to see the best people that have ever lived. 1.00
01:00:21.000 I want to see them working their problems out amicably.
01:00:24.000 I'm not looking for that.
01:00:26.000 Don't show me what's next door.
01:00:28.000 I want to see what I've already lived through.
01:00:30.000 Exactly.
01:00:31.000 I don't want to see that. 1.00
01:00:32.000 Show me a movie about a guy coming out of his ass. 1.00
01:00:35.000 Now that's a Ridley Scott. 1.00
01:00:36.000 That'd be a good Ridley Scott.
01:00:38.000 The problem I have with movies like that is because that's an environment that you're living in for an hour and a half.
01:00:47.000 And whether or not you admit it, we're all affected by our environment. 0.97
01:00:51.000 And you're choosing to live in a fucking suicidal depressed environment for an hour and a half. 0.97
01:00:57.000 You can decide to do that if you want to do that, but you've got to understand what that is. 0.99
01:01:01.000 When you're sitting there in that thing and you're watching that film, and maybe it could be amazing and great, but you're absorbing the community of that thing that's being presented to you.
01:01:13.000 That's art, baby! 1.00
01:01:13.000 Yeah, and if you're a person that's surrounded by people that are fucked, you're probably fucked. 1.00
01:01:19.000 That's the dirty secret of life. 1.00
01:01:21.000 That's why I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy.
01:01:23.000 I was surrounded by beautiful friendship, great music.
01:01:26.000 Hear, hear.
01:01:27.000 I was on an airplane.
01:01:28.000 Just got a little teary, dude.
01:01:29.000 Oh, you know what's going to be a fun movie?
01:01:30.000 In 20 years, I'll make a Hunter Biden movie.
01:01:32.000 How about four years?
01:01:35.000 What if a Republican becomes president? 1.00
01:01:37.000 That shit will 100%. 1.00
01:01:38.000 Real rock and roll lifestyle movie. 1.00
01:01:40.000 It's like, dude, this guy got after it.
01:01:42.000 I mean, they made one about Bush.
01:01:43.000 If Ron DeSantis becomes president, And then they get Quentin Tarantino to do a Hunter Biden movie.
01:01:50.000 Imagine if Quentin Tarantino decides that's his last movie.
01:01:55.000 He's gonna do a Hunter Biden movie. 1.00
01:01:57.000 Hunter Biden with a fucking briefcase filled with amphetamines. 0.99
01:02:01.000 Just wandering through the airport somewhere, telling everybody who his dad is. 1.00
01:02:05.000 Just doing wild shit with street hookers in Vietnam smoking crack. 1.00
01:02:11.000 On a board in Ukraine? 1.00
01:02:13.000 Yeah.
01:02:13.000 And he's like, we gotta get rid of Ukraine.
01:02:16.000 We gotta fund this movie.
01:02:18.000 This'll be killer.
01:02:19.000 Hey, how about Ukraine?
01:02:20.000 How are they doing?
01:02:20.000 How are they doing?
01:02:21.000 They keep fighting it, but I don't see them winning.
01:02:22.000 We keep giving them money.
01:02:23.000 Sorry.
01:02:24.000 They just made a Hunter Biden movie.
01:02:26.000 Did you see this trailer?
01:02:27.000 Oh, is this Daily Wired?
01:02:28.000 Yeah.
01:02:29.000 Wait, they made a Hunter Biden movie.
01:02:30.000 I know it's Daily Wired.
01:02:31.000 Oh, they already made this?
01:02:32.000 Yeah.
01:02:32.000 That trailer seems kind of crazy.
01:02:35.000 That's hilarious.
01:02:35.000 That guy looks like Biden, for sure.
01:02:37.000 Where the hell are we? 0.99
01:02:38.000 They got a fat guy to play Biden. 1.00
01:02:40.000 They're on that cheap-ass Republican agency. 0.98
01:02:46.000 They can't get the real talent agents. 0.99
01:02:48.000 If you got a fat guy playing Biden... 0.93
01:02:50.000 Yeah, that's not good. 0.70
01:02:51.000 They're not getting the best...
01:02:53.000 Because standard Hollywood is not going to work with them.
01:02:56.000 No.
01:02:57.000 So by the time it gets to the Daily Wire...
01:02:59.000 The problem is that ecosystem, you have to be left-wing. 1.00
01:03:06.000 If you're not left wing and you're in that Hollywood ecosystem, you have to keep your fucking mouth shut. 0.99
01:03:10.000 Yeah, you can't even do a move. 1.00
01:03:11.000 You're like, I just lose a role.
01:03:13.000 Yeah.
01:03:13.000 And they're like, now you're out.
01:03:14.000 So if someone wanted to go and work for the Daily Wire and then people found out they're working for the Daily Wire, I guarantee that would be a problem with the fucking super libs. 0.98
01:03:24.000 The super libs who are all in in the cult. 0.98
01:03:27.000 Yeah.
01:03:27.000 They would not want anyone around them that has any...
01:03:31.000 Unless you're Mel, dude.
01:03:31.000 Mel...
01:03:32.000 Mel Gibson?
01:03:33.000 Yes.
01:03:33.000 Mel's back, dude.
01:03:34.000 Who's Mel?
01:03:35.000 Oh, Mel Gibson.
01:03:36.000 Oh, yeah, you know.
01:03:37.000 He came for you.
01:03:37.000 He came for us.
01:03:38.000 He would knock you the fuck out. 1.00
01:03:40.000 He made some good points, though. 1.00
01:03:42.000 Mel Gibson would fuck you up, Ari. 0.99
01:03:43.000 You think so? 1.00
01:03:44.000 Definitely.
01:03:45.000 After what you guys did.
01:03:46.000 Braveheart went a long way.
01:03:48.000 Oh, Breitbart made it.
01:03:50.000 Kind of the same.
01:03:51.000 Same, same, but different.
01:03:52.000 You know they killed Breitbart?
01:03:54.000 Andrew Breitbart?
01:03:55.000 They hit him with a little heart attack gun.
01:03:56.000 You ever see that?
01:03:57.000 Oh, really?
01:03:57.000 Who did that to him?
01:03:58.000 I don't know.
01:04:00.000 Interesting.
01:04:00.000 Is that real?
01:04:01.000 But the Daily...
01:04:02.000 Can't they get a thin Biden? 0.96
01:04:03.000 Get Alan Arkin or something.
01:04:05.000 Yeah, there's a lot of thin old people. 1.00
01:04:07.000 No, but they won't work for them.
01:04:07.000 I want to apologize to Daily Wire.
01:04:09.000 I feel like I was out of line and suggested it was them.
01:04:13.000 Because Breitbart would probably have even worse casting agents.
01:04:17.000 Like, that's down the line.
01:04:19.000 Breitbart would have the worst casting agents.
01:04:20.000 Breitbart would be the worst.
01:04:21.000 That's worse.
01:04:22.000 Because Daily Wire has...
01:04:23.000 Jordan Peterson has like a lot of people- Daily Wire made a movie- Center right.
01:04:28.000 I got Daily Wire to watch a movie.
01:04:30.000 They made a school shooting movie.
01:04:32.000 Whoa! 0.71
01:04:32.000 Nice! 0.71
01:04:33.000 Yeah.
01:04:34.000 It's kind of like one of those movies where like the good guy has the gun.
01:04:37.000 With Jason Statham.
01:04:38.000 Even they gated up.
01:04:40.000 Who's he killing then?
01:04:40.000 No, there's a bunch of school shooters come in and start shooting and then a girl.
01:04:44.000 Of course they make it a goddamn girl. 1.00
01:04:46.000 So they had this podcast conference. 1.00
01:04:52.000 Check this out.
01:04:52.000 Are there female shooters?
01:04:54.000 No.
01:04:55.000 There was one.
01:04:56.000 It's like the WNBA. Tony Hinchcliffe used to have a bit about it.
01:05:01.000 So they have this podcast conference.
01:05:03.000 And the Daily Wire, they have a bunch of booths, right?
01:05:06.000 So the Daily Wire takes out a booth.
01:05:07.000 And Ben Shapiro goes.
01:05:09.000 So Ben Shapiro goes, and he's there, and he's meeting people that are podcast fans, and they're all coming up to him, and they're real friendly to him, and they're taking photos with him and stuff like that.
01:05:16.000 And then afterwards, they release a statement talking about the harm that that did, and how they were not aware.
01:05:23.000 Like, the people who ran this podcast thing, the harm in bringing in Ben Shapiro that was very damaging to people.
01:05:30.000 What's harmful about Ben Shapiro?
01:05:32.000 Bringing him in.
01:05:33.000 I don't know what their quotes were.
01:05:37.000 There was danger to it or something.
01:05:39.000 I forget the words they used, but it was one of those things where you read and you're like, what are you saying?
01:05:43.000 They just apologize to people so they keep doing their business.
01:05:46.000 Yeah, but here's the thing.
01:05:47.000 They don't really believe in anything.
01:05:48.000 They have some of the top podcasts in the country.
01:05:50.000 Oh, yeah.
01:05:51.000 So it makes sense that they would be there.
01:05:52.000 Hi folks, we owe you an apology before sessions kick off for the day.
01:05:56.000 Yesterday afternoon, Ben Shapiro briefly visited the PM22 Expo area near the Daily Wire booth.
01:06:04.000 Though he was not registered or expected, we take full responsibility for the harm.
01:06:08.000 But he's one of the owners of the Daily Wire.
01:06:11.000 By the harm done by his presence.
01:06:13.000 He was there.
01:06:14.000 He was one of the co-founders.
01:06:16.000 There it is.
01:06:17.000 There's no way around it.
01:06:18.000 We agreed to sell the Daily Wire, a first-time booth, based on the company's large presence in podcasting, which it should be.
01:06:25.000 That's what you're representing.
01:06:26.000 The weight of that decision is now painfully clear.
01:06:30.000 Shapiro is a co-founder, a drop-in, however unlikely, should have been considered a possibility.
01:06:37.000 Those of you who call this unacceptable in quotes are right.
01:06:42.000 He's the least threatening guy on the planet.
01:06:45.000 In nine wonderful years growing and celebrating this medium, PM has made mistakes.
01:06:53.000 The pain will always stick with us.
01:06:59.000 The pain caused by this one will always stick with us.
01:07:03.000 We promise that sponsors will be more carefully considered moving forward. 1.00
01:07:07.000 Oh, we're fucked. 1.00
01:07:08.000 Folks, people are in a cult. 1.00
01:07:09.000 They're in a cult.
01:07:10.000 They're in a cult.
01:07:12.000 You can't entertain any views that are different than yours.
01:07:17.000 You can't allow people... 1.00
01:07:18.000 Especially Ben Shapiro.
01:07:19.000 He briefly stopped by.
01:07:20.000 He's 5'8".
01:07:21.000 Oh, we'll live with this for the rest of our lives.
01:07:23.000 It's just...
01:07:24.000 conversations.
01:07:27.000 It's like people have opinions on one side and people have opinions on the other side.
01:07:31.000 But all they're doing is having conversations.
01:07:33.000 Yeah.
01:07:33.000 Do you have a video of him?
01:07:34.000 It's a fucking podcast. 0.99
01:07:35.000 Stopping by? 1.00
01:07:36.000 Hey, call everybody.
01:07:37.000 It's him.
01:07:39.000 People are like, oh, it's so painful.
01:07:42.000 Painfully clear.
01:07:43.000 There's all these people taking photos with him.
01:07:45.000 It's a pleasure to meet you as well.
01:07:46.000 Thank you. 0.98
01:07:47.000 Listen, the way to handle people that you disagree with is to fucking debate them. 0.98
01:07:53.000 Where's Mel Gibson when you need him, dude? 0.99
01:07:55.000 He would give Shapiro a knuckle sandwich.
01:07:57.000 They should have conversations with him publicly.
01:08:00.000 He's got a nice suit. 1.00
01:08:02.000 But this is bullshit. 0.99
01:08:03.000 To say that it was a bad idea to let that guy there is crazy. 0.99
01:08:07.000 Of course it's a good idea.
01:08:08.000 It doesn't mean you agree with everything he says. 0.99
01:08:10.000 You have a hundred fucking booths there. 0.98
01:08:12.000 How could you agree with everybody? 0.99
01:08:13.000 But you don't think they're actually saying that. 1.00
01:08:15.000 I think they're just under pressure of like, fuck you, fuck you. 1.00
01:08:18.000 They go, okay, I'll tell you everything I think you want me to say. 1.00
01:08:21.000 Listen, most people have never experienced anything remotely like what you've experienced when people are mad at you.
01:08:27.000 Imagine that.
01:08:28.000 Imagine putting that on a person who's experienced nothing.
01:08:31.000 Except like everyone at this table.
01:08:33.000 Yeah, everyone at this table.
01:08:35.000 But you think about us.
01:08:36.000 For a first time, we're like, whoa!
01:08:38.000 For someone who's not even an entertainer and doesn't know what that feels like...
01:08:42.000 And all of a sudden, this person gets dragged into it, and like, what do I have to do to stop this fire?
01:08:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:08:46.000 They'll say anything.
01:08:47.000 Good point.
01:08:48.000 And also, in that world, that's how you talk.
01:08:51.000 Right.
01:08:51.000 That's why it's like a cult.
01:08:52.000 Like, there's lines that you have to stay inside of.
01:08:56.000 It's like that Beyonce thing. 0.81
01:08:56.000 There's ways you have to address them. 0.81
01:08:57.000 When she goes, I use the word spaz, she goes, I know this is deeply offensive.
01:09:00.000 Spaz? 0.97
01:09:01.000 Yeah.
01:09:01.000 Not even just a bit offensive.
01:09:02.000 We're in a cult, folks.
01:09:03.000 There's no more just like, guys, it was a little bit off. 0.99
01:09:06.000 There's a mind virus cult that took over half the fucking country. 0.99
01:09:10.000 Just don't apologize. 1.00
01:09:11.000 Keep going.
01:09:12.000 Just ignore Beyonce. 1.00
01:09:14.000 It's not good for anybody if you apologize and go into that.
01:09:17.000 If you become one of those people that get sucked into that world of not being able to say anything.
01:09:23.000 Yeah, it's scary.
01:09:25.000 Hi, Jamie.
01:09:27.000 If you get sucked into that world, man.
01:09:30.000 I can't believe they got Lizzo.
01:09:32.000 She apologized for saying spaz as well.
01:09:34.000 She said spaz?
01:09:35.000 Yeah, she said it before Beyonce. 0.90
01:09:36.000 And in the articles, it says spaz, which by the way, they have to take both sides to it, which by the way, is part of black culture.
01:09:41.000 It means to fight.
01:09:42.000 Is that right? 0.97
01:09:43.000 They can't be like, it is wrong, because then that's pissing off black culture. 1.00
01:09:45.000 That's funny.
01:09:46.000 That's a good move. 0.84
01:09:47.000 I'm going to piss.
01:09:47.000 Let's change subjects.
01:09:48.000 Back to movies.
01:09:49.000 Let me say, did you see what Matt Damon said about the state of movies?
01:09:52.000 What'd he say?
01:09:53.000 It was fascinating. 0.97
01:09:54.000 Why movies suck now?
01:09:55.000 What'd he say? 0.98
01:09:55.000 We all think it's because of this, because of that. 0.98
01:09:57.000 It's because of DVD sales.
01:09:59.000 What do you mean?
01:10:00.000 DVDs aren't a thing anymore.
01:10:02.000 So they used to make movies, and if the movie didn't kill it at the box office, you made a ton of money on DVDs later.
01:10:08.000 But now they don't have that, so they can't risk making a non-theater movie.
01:10:13.000 Right, they can't get a cult hit later.
01:10:15.000 Yes, like Swingers and Pulp Fiction and all these movies.
01:10:19.000 Office Space was all DVD. What's the one?
01:10:23.000 People found out about it.
01:10:24.000 Word of Mouth.
01:10:25.000 Isn't it amazing how good Word of Mouth was?
01:10:28.000 Huge.
01:10:28.000 I mean, it was the old viral.
01:10:29.000 What's the one Tarantino wrote but didn't direct?
01:10:32.000 Rise of War Dogs?
01:10:33.000 No, no, no.
01:10:35.000 Before that.
01:10:36.000 True Romance.
01:10:38.000 True Romance. 1.00
01:10:38.000 Shit like that. 1.00
01:10:39.000 Catch it on later. 1.00
01:10:40.000 What did they do before TV? True Romance is so fucking good. 0.98
01:10:44.000 It's a really good movie. 0.99
01:10:45.000 So fucking good. 0.99
01:10:47.000 It's so fucking good. 0.99
01:10:48.000 That eggplant speech was one of the greatest acting scenes. 0.98
01:10:51.000 That was amazing. 1.00
01:10:52.000 There's just so many good scenes in that fucking movie, man. 1.00
01:10:55.000 But you can't make a movie. 1.00
01:10:57.000 You can't make a movie.
01:10:58.000 But back then, to make a movie like that back then, like to do Reservoir Dogs back then, was like revolutionary.
01:11:04.000 Huge. 0.99
01:11:04.000 Like, what is this wild shit? 0.99
01:11:06.000 But just in 1994, we had Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Lion King, Saving Private Ryan. 0.99
01:11:13.000 I just put Lion King in there.
01:11:14.000 That's a great movie.
01:11:15.000 It's a classic, but yeah.
01:11:17.000 That's a good movie.
01:11:18.000 None of the lions have dicks. 0.85
01:11:28.000 They have the new one out and none of the lions have dicks. 0.83
01:11:31.000 But kids have seen lions with dicks in the zoo. 0.99
01:11:35.000 Never seen a lion dick. 0.99
01:11:38.000 It bothers me. 0.99
01:11:38.000 Look at that. 0.99
01:11:39.000 Lion King was number one.
01:11:41.000 See?
01:11:41.000 Forrest Gump.
01:11:41.000 True Lies.
01:11:43.000 Speed.
01:11:43.000 The Mask.
01:11:44.000 The Mask was great.
01:11:46.000 Maverick was good.
01:11:46.000 This is one year!
01:11:48.000 The Crow.
01:11:49.000 Movies were awesome!
01:11:50.000 Yeah, man.
01:11:51.000 Little Rask. 0.83
01:11:52.000 Oh, Beverly Hill Cop 3. Wolf.
01:11:53.000 What is Wolf?
01:11:54.000 Was that that Jack Nicholson?
01:11:55.000 Jack Nicholson.
01:11:55.000 Werewolf movie?
01:11:56.000 That was so dumb. 1.00
01:11:57.000 That was bad. 1.00
01:11:58.000 That was bad.
01:11:59.000 Natural Born Killers was that year?
01:12:00.000 That was a Tarantino.
01:12:01.000 Wow, Natural Born Killers was that year, too?
01:12:04.000 Wait, or was it the year before and it just made that later?
01:12:05.000 Oh, In the Army Now is probably August 26th.
01:12:08.000 Wow, that's amazing.
01:12:10.000 In the Army now, the Cowboys.
01:12:12.000 Jurassic Park.
01:12:13.000 No, that's leftover from a few years before. 0.99
01:12:15.000 But still, I mean, the 90s killed it, and then it all just went to shit. 1.00
01:12:18.000 My movie. 0.98
01:12:19.000 Well, that's... 0.96
01:12:20.000 Martin Lawrence, you're so crazy, you're number 43 ever.
01:12:23.000 That's incredible. 0.80
01:12:25.000 Oh, all these are great.
01:12:27.000 Is this DVD sales, or is this theater?
01:12:29.000 Box office.
01:12:30.000 Wow.
01:12:30.000 Some of those are leftover from the year before.
01:12:32.000 94, I was 11 years old.
01:12:35.000 Lived at the theater. 1.00
01:12:37.000 Damn. 0.99
01:12:38.000 94 was when I first moved to Hollywood. 0.99
01:12:40.000 Whoa, that must have been a different time.
01:12:42.000 A lot of blow.
01:12:43.000 So weird.
01:12:44.000 Sunset Boulevard.
01:12:45.000 It was just weird.
01:12:46.000 It's a completely different environment than it is now.
01:12:49.000 Totally different.
01:12:50.000 Once the internet came along, everything got weird.
01:12:52.000 Everybody was a star, right?
01:12:54.000 Instead of everyone trying to be a star.
01:12:56.000 Well, it was that, and it was also like, there's something that changed in culture with the preoccupation of other people's opinions and tweeting.
01:13:04.000 Yeah.
01:13:05.000 There's a less...
01:13:07.000 There's less social.
01:13:09.000 But there's less...
01:13:10.000 There's a lot of content, but there's less of these, like, the Black Keys kind of dudes.
01:13:16.000 Right, right, right.
01:13:17.000 Real artists.
01:13:18.000 Cheers. 1.00
01:13:18.000 Where what they're doing is like, fuck yeah. 1.00
01:13:21.000 Cheers, gentlemen. 1.00
01:13:21.000 Mazel tov. 1.00
01:13:22.000 Praise Allah.
01:13:26.000 Alright, it's good to see it's still sitting upright. 0.93
01:13:29.000 In some ways it's harder to create real shit because there's so much benefit in creating something that someone would like. 0.94
01:13:41.000 Doesn't it make it seem like it's the easiest time to make something real? 0.98
01:13:45.000 Yeah, well easy and hard.
01:13:47.000 You're gonna face repercussions like we all have.
01:13:49.000 And attention spans are shittier. 0.99
01:13:52.000 Dude, this podcast is three fucking hours long. 0.97
01:13:56.000 You just have to say, I'm not going just for likes, I'm going for what I want to put out and enough people will see it. 0.98
01:14:00.000 Go for what you think.
01:14:02.000 I don't have a short attention span, so I just assume other people don't either.
01:14:06.000 And I think if you don't, they don't either.
01:14:08.000 I think if you're engaging, they stay engaged.
01:14:12.000 There's also not one interview show that's authentic.
01:14:16.000 You watch Jimmy Fallon, he's like, ah!
01:14:18.000 They can't be.
01:14:19.000 They can't be.
01:14:20.000 It's crazy because they're in competition with people like us that are. 0.98
01:14:24.000 We can do whatever the fuck we want. 0.76
01:14:26.000 When I started This Not Happening, they were like, we found that videos work best for two minutes or less. 0.97
01:14:30.000 And I'm like, I'm going like 25 minutes on these.
01:14:32.000 Like, whatever it goes, it goes.
01:14:33.000 And they have millions of views.
01:14:34.000 Yeah.
01:14:35.000 Yeah, but I don't know how much... 0.99
01:14:37.000 I hate all that fucking, like, you need fucking captions, put out clips. 0.99
01:14:41.000 I mean, I'm not saying... 1.00
01:14:42.000 It's like, this is not my...
01:14:43.000 It's a nightmare.
01:14:44.000 You don't need to.
01:14:45.000 You don't have to do it.
01:14:47.000 You don't need to.
01:14:47.000 You don't need to.
01:14:48.000 But you could want to. 1.00
01:14:49.000 And if you want to do that, like, Schultz loves to do that shit. 1.00
01:14:52.000 He loves it and he's really good at it. 0.99
01:14:54.000 I'm not controlled at all.
01:14:55.000 No, I know you're not.
01:14:56.000 I know you're not.
01:14:56.000 But it's not me either.
01:14:57.000 I don't do it either.
01:14:58.000 Because my titles seem lame.
01:14:59.000 It's like the something, something, best something, something of all time.
01:15:02.000 It's like, ugh, I don't want to do that.
01:15:04.000 Yeah, it's weird.
01:15:05.000 The problem with that is what you're selling is authenticity.
01:15:10.000 That's what you're selling.
01:15:10.000 That's what we're all selling.
01:15:12.000 If you're not authentic and you're just bullshitting, Then why?
01:15:17.000 Why are you doing that? 0.74
01:15:18.000 Now I don't like you anymore.
01:15:19.000 Now you're not fun anymore.
01:15:20.000 So just for that one thing.
01:15:21.000 If you do that one thing and you're not authentic.
01:15:23.000 What are you doing?
01:15:24.000 Don't you want to do what you want to do?
01:15:27.000 Some guys get trapped. 0.98
01:15:28.000 And then if you're a guy, say you're the host of the fucking Ari Shaffir show on CBS. And it's killing. 0.99
01:15:35.000 The Ari Shaffir show is killing. 0.98
01:15:37.000 Can you imagine if Ari was successful, how shitty he would be? 0.99
01:15:41.000 Oh my god. 0.99
01:15:42.000 I would cut him out and bring him back in just to cut him out again. 0.99
01:15:45.000 You would have a trans brand leader, trans band leader. 0.99
01:15:48.000 I would go full heel.
01:15:50.000 You'd have to go full the other way.
01:15:52.000 You'd be full woke heel. 0.65
01:15:54.000 Oh, that's the heel.
01:15:54.000 Full woke.
01:15:55.000 That'd be pretty fun against non-woke heel. 0.99
01:15:57.000 Comics have done it before. 0.97
01:15:59.000 They get on a TV show and they go fucking woke. 0.97
01:16:00.000 Guys are like hardcore guys. 0.99
01:16:02.000 Get a sweater.
01:16:03.000 All of a sudden they get woke, and they get weird.
01:16:05.000 Who knows?
01:16:05.000 Yeah, it's happened before.
01:16:07.000 So imagine, you're living in a fucking dope house in Beverly Hills. 1.00
01:16:10.000 It's nice, dude. 1.00
01:16:11.000 It's fucking nice. 1.00
01:16:12.000 You got a sick view, a big-ass fucking yard. 1.00
01:16:14.000 And your friend comes over and says the end word. 1.00
01:16:16.000 You got a Bentley.
01:16:17.000 Yeah, your friend's in trouble.
01:16:18.000 You just cut him out of your life forever.
01:16:20.000 If you mind probably cutting him out of your life.
01:16:21.000 Forever.
01:16:22.000 Why?
01:16:23.000 Just cut him out.
01:16:24.000 And I need you to write jokes about people who don't get vaccinated.
01:16:28.000 We're going to open with those Friday night.
01:16:31.000 Yeah, well, you go.
01:16:33.000 Let's open with those jokes about people skeptical of the pharmaceutical companies.
01:16:36.000 Let's try to change the fabric of culture.
01:16:39.000 You go where the likes are.
01:16:40.000 That's what people do.
01:16:41.000 They just follow the likes.
01:16:42.000 Well, they follow what's going to help their career.
01:16:44.000 The thing is, what helps their career is to be deeper entwined with the system that's dying.
01:16:49.000 And what helps our career is to be authentic.
01:16:52.000 Go against it.
01:16:52.000 Yeah, but just be authentic.
01:16:53.000 Right, you don't have to go against it.
01:16:55.000 You don't have to go against it.
01:16:56.000 There's a lot of stuff on regular TV I love.
01:16:58.000 I'm not against regular TV. If that's what you're into.
01:17:01.000 The problem is the system itself stops people in their tracks before they get to have a true expression of what they want to put out there.
01:17:09.000 The only way you can put out what you want to put out is if you put it out by yourself.
01:17:12.000 And if nobody tells you what to do.
01:17:14.000 Killian Keeves season two, it's coming out.
01:17:15.000 There it is, exactly.
01:17:17.000 Killian Keeves is one of the best examples out there on the internet. 1.00
01:17:20.000 That fucking Trump speed dating shit is hilarious. 0.99
01:17:23.000 You guys have a ton of sketches that are fantastic. 1.00
01:17:26.000 You know, I read one of the quotes under the YouTube that I fucking 100% agree with.
01:17:30.000 They said, this is better than anything you're gonna see on sketch television and regular TV. Yeah. 0.78
01:17:36.000 It's a fucking 100% true. 0.98
01:17:37.000 They couldn't do it. 0.98
01:17:39.000 No one would allow them to go for it the way you guys go for it.
01:17:42.000 The one with the dad who has the OnlyFans account? 1.00
01:17:45.000 Dude, that shit is brilliant! 1.00
01:17:47.000 It's fucking brilliant! 1.00
01:17:48.000 I like Uncle Daycare. 0.99
01:17:51.000 That was my favorite.
01:17:52.000 Oh, that's a great one.
01:17:52.000 It was Kylo.
01:17:53.000 Kylo is the lady.
01:17:55.000 He's the lady uncle. 0.84
01:17:57.000 Yeah, that's the bittersweet of the internet.
01:18:00.000 I heard she was driving Pope crazy. 0.99
01:18:02.000 Dude, it's fucking brilliant. 0.99
01:18:05.000 It's not bittersweet. 0.99
01:18:06.000 It's mostly bitter.
01:18:07.000 I mean, mostly sweet.
01:18:08.000 But we think of the bitter because the bitter hurts the most.
01:18:10.000 Well, you get the backlash.
01:18:11.000 You know, we're comics.
01:18:12.000 We focus on the guy in the front row not laughing with his arms crossed.
01:18:15.000 It is funny, though, but when we started, there was no option to be like, hey, do what you want your way.
01:18:20.000 You're like, well, that's not really...
01:18:21.000 I'll do as close as I can with the let me.
01:18:25.000 Yeah, it was always as close as you can get.
01:18:27.000 You can still make rent money just doing your own work.
01:18:29.000 I forgot I was supposed to promote that.
01:18:30.000 It's gilliankeves.tv.
01:18:32.000 There you go.
01:18:33.000 I think it'll be out in September.
01:18:35.000 People just find it.
01:18:36.000 Whatever.
01:18:37.000 Everybody can Google it.
01:18:38.000 If they can't figure out how to get there, do you really want them going?
01:18:40.000 Oh, out to lunch on YouTube.
01:18:42.000 At this time?
01:18:42.000 Oh, it's called Gillian Keeves.
01:18:44.000 How do I find it?
01:18:44.000 I don't know.
01:18:45.000 Google that.
01:18:46.000 I don't know.
01:18:46.000 I just look around.
01:18:48.000 I try to find it.
01:18:50.000 I don't see it anywhere.
01:18:51.000 Isn't that how you put a clip on Instagram?
01:18:53.000 You're like, this is funny.
01:18:54.000 When are you going to be in Toronto?
01:18:55.000 It's the most annoying.
01:18:56.000 It's all on my website.
01:18:57.000 Go to the website.
01:18:58.000 I got to spoon feed every queef out there. 1.00
01:19:00.000 Every DM I get is like, when are you coming to Toronto?
01:19:02.000 I got two shows in a week in Toronto.
01:19:05.000 Are you even allowed to fly in there unless you're vaccinated?
01:19:08.000 Are you allowed to fly in again now?
01:19:12.000 Nice.
01:19:12.000 Thanks, Jamie.
01:19:13.000 There you go.
01:19:14.000 We should have the whole next season up soon, September.
01:19:20.000 I love it.
01:19:21.000 See, that's a thing that a regular network could never do.
01:19:25.000 We talk about it all the time, but it's true. 0.97
01:19:29.000 Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzger. 0.94
01:19:30.000 They could never fucking do those things that they do. 0.98
01:19:33.000 They couldn't do them. 0.99
01:19:34.000 It'd be physically impossible.
01:19:35.000 Dude, how good is this Pelosi?
01:19:37.000 You got a good Pelosi.
01:19:39.000 Let me hear Pelosi.
01:19:41.000 I have to think about it.
01:19:44.000 It's just drunk bars.
01:19:46.000 Everyone wants to talk about it.
01:19:48.000 What, entire trading on Vancouver?
01:19:50.000 Dude, we should play Heads Up.
01:19:51.000 Of course not.
01:19:52.000 Heads Up.
01:19:53.000 We were talking about Heads Up earlier.
01:19:56.000 Heads Up.
01:19:56.000 Have you ever played it?
01:19:57.000 Have you guys seen Jamie Foxx's Trump?
01:19:59.000 It's incredible.
01:20:00.000 I got tagged in that 9,000 times.
01:20:02.000 It's the only Trump I've ever heard that's better than yours.
01:20:04.000 Oh.
01:20:05.000 It's better? 0.96
01:20:05.000 Well, black people are better at things. 0.96
01:20:07.000 This is a challenge.
01:20:08.000 It's really good.
01:20:09.000 Is it better?
01:20:10.000 Jamie Foxx.
01:20:18.000 He's a black guy.
01:20:19.000 Black guys, they're okay.
01:20:21.000 Pretty good.
01:20:22.000 I'm not gonna do it.
01:20:28.000 Dude, some people are way better at the conversational Trump.
01:20:31.000 I can't do that.
01:20:32.000 What are you going to do in 2024, Mr. Trump?
01:20:35.000 You haven't announced you're running again.
01:20:37.000 I haven't announced it.
01:20:38.000 The crooked FBI, they went into my house.
01:20:40.000 Not good.
01:20:41.000 They didn't find anything.
01:20:45.000 I don't have anything.
01:20:46.000 Boy, people are on the fence now.
01:20:48.000 There's like pro and con anti-FBI people with no information whatsoever. 0.99
01:20:53.000 Fucking no information whatsoever either pro or con FBI. Here's my favorite part, is the same people, so now the left keeps tweeting, oh, now all of a sudden the right's anti-police? 0.98
01:21:05.000 But then it's like, the people on the right, they get to tweet, oh, all of a sudden the left's pro-police.
01:21:11.000 Pro-police, yeah. 0.99
01:21:11.000 They do this every single fucking time. 0.99
01:21:13.000 They're the same people. 1.00
01:21:14.000 They do it every fucking time. 1.00
01:21:16.000 Everybody wants to get ahead. 1.00
01:21:17.000 They have no real beliefs. 1.00
01:21:18.000 And doing politicals fucking sucks. 1.00
01:21:20.000 They do it every time. 1.00
01:21:21.000 When Trump won, they all said, the election's rigged, it's a rigged election.
01:21:24.000 And then when Trump won, oh, the election's rigged.
01:21:26.000 Just accept it.
01:21:27.000 It's crazy.
01:21:28.000 So yeah, when Trump won, the left was like, he was a Russian spy.
01:21:32.000 Right. 1.00
01:21:32.000 This is bullshit. 1.00
01:21:33.000 He shouldn't have won. 1.00
01:21:34.000 That was Russian.
01:21:35.000 When Biden won. 0.99
01:21:35.000 Then Biden wins, they're like, shut up. 0.99
01:21:37.000 The results are in. 0.80
01:21:38.000 Exactly. 1.00
01:21:39.000 And then the right's like, this was bullshit. 1.00
01:21:42.000 They're the same. 1.00
01:21:42.000 And then there's people like us just looking at all of them going like, oh, I want to make fun of all of you. 1.00
01:21:47.000 I do make fun of all of them.
01:21:48.000 You've got to stay in the middle and observe. 1.00
01:21:50.000 You guys are all hypocrites. 1.00
01:21:52.000 I agree with more people on the left than I do on the right on most things, but I still think they're the most ridiculous. 1.00
01:21:58.000 I like the left to accept gay rights. 0.98
01:22:04.000 A little too liberal with that.
01:22:05.000 Yeah.
01:22:08.000 Says the guy with the mustache. 1.00
01:22:10.000 I have to shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:22:13.000 Mr. Trump, how do you feel about gay rights? 1.00
01:22:16.000 I like it, but they're going a little overboard with the dancing.
01:22:23.000 A lot of dancing.
01:22:24.000 I don't know about that.
01:22:25.000 Trump, go on Matt and Shane's.
01:22:27.000 Please.
01:22:29.000 Trump.
01:22:29.000 Would that be amazing?
01:22:31.000 What would Trump drink?
01:22:31.000 You get Trump on your show?
01:22:32.000 Trump doesn't drink, dude.
01:22:33.000 At all.
01:22:34.000 You'd have chicken for him.
01:22:35.000 We get some McDonald's and amphetamines for the boy.
01:22:38.000 Imagine if that's the first time he drinks is on your show.
01:22:41.000 Heard about it.
01:22:42.000 I'll try it.
01:22:43.000 Imagine his Twitter drunk.
01:22:44.000 Mr. Trump. 0.88
01:22:45.000 His drunk Twitter. 0.98
01:22:47.000 His Twitter before was insane, but his drunk Twitter would be bananas. 0.75
01:22:51.000 It would be meaningful.
01:22:52.000 It would be like, check out this sunset.
01:22:54.000 Oh my god.
01:22:55.000 Yeah, true.
01:22:55.000 Right tones down a little bit.
01:22:56.000 He would just get kind of emotional. 0.99
01:22:57.000 Could you fucking imagine? 1.00
01:23:00.000 Drunk Trump. 1.00
01:23:01.000 Oh man, that's a character. 0.98
01:23:03.000 Yep.
01:23:04.000 Gillian Keyes, write it. 0.87
01:23:05.000 We fucked that up. 0.77
01:23:06.000 That was a layup. 0.86
01:23:07.000 We didn't even think of that.
01:23:09.000 Well, just do it now.
01:23:10.000 Just do it now.
01:23:11.000 Do it now. 0.99
01:23:13.000 Trump would be fucking amazing. 1.00
01:23:15.000 Yeah, his wife died. 1.00
01:23:16.000 He has a drink to get over it.
01:23:18.000 Did I talk about this last time when I went to Mar-a-Lago?
01:23:20.000 And you saw him?
01:23:21.000 I saw The King, dude.
01:23:23.000 I went to Mar-a-Lago.
01:23:24.000 Wait, wait.
01:23:25.000 I was in Mar-a-Lago.
01:23:27.000 What?
01:23:28.000 It was me and like ten people.
01:23:29.000 It was just a regular day at Mar-a-Lago.
01:23:31.000 Like a field trip?
01:23:32.000 No, I got in there.
01:23:33.000 I'm not gonna name names.
01:23:35.000 You went to Mar-a-Lago to meet Trump specifically?
01:23:37.000 I went to Mar-a-Lago because I was doing Palm Beach improv, and some people that work there or work You know, on the staff or whatever, their fans, they showed up, came to the show, they were like, do you want to go to Mar-a-Lago tomorrow?
01:23:52.000 And I was like...
01:23:53.000 Talking to the right guy.
01:23:54.000 I was like... 1.00
01:23:55.000 That shit was so nice. 1.00
01:24:02.000 Was it pretty? 1.00
01:24:03.000 Yeah, look at it.
01:24:04.000 It's beautiful.
01:24:05.000 Oh, it's a fantastic place.
01:24:07.000 Dude, the only people there are 70-year-old billionaires.
01:24:10.000 And they're all wearing MAGA hats, dude.
01:24:12.000 Sure.
01:24:13.000 But not just regular red MAGA hats.
01:24:14.000 Can we get a membership?
01:24:16.000 Can we get a membership?
01:24:17.000 Yes, $200,000 a year.
01:24:19.000 Listen to this.
01:24:19.000 Yes.
01:24:20.000 Listen to this.
01:24:21.000 What if we built a podcast studio at Mar-a-Lago?
01:24:26.000 What if we have a conversation with Donald and we go, we don't want to be affiliated with you in any way, sir.
01:24:31.000 We would just like to rent some space on your property and put together a podcast studio.
01:24:36.000 Once every couple months, we will do Protect Our Parks from Mar-a-Lago.
01:24:40.000 And we can do a live show, bro.
01:24:42.000 And we could do a show at Palm Beach.
01:24:44.000 Imagine if we never even addressed it.
01:24:46.000 Never addressed it.
01:24:46.000 Everybody knows that we've moved our studio to Mar-a-Lago for only protect our parks.
01:24:51.000 It looks like a park. 1.00
01:24:52.000 And behind us, it'd be like, fucking park ranger hats and shit and pine trees. 1.00
01:24:56.000 That's the set. 1.00
01:24:57.000 Can we do that?
01:25:00.000 You have no idea how much I would donate whatever money for the membership.
01:25:05.000 We never talk about it.
01:25:06.000 And then if it gets brought up in interviews, we can't disclose.
01:25:10.000 Dude, there's a gold-plated Constitution.
01:25:12.000 I think it was the Constitution.
01:25:16.000 Dude, that's the main room.
01:25:17.000 It's so grand.
01:25:18.000 Jesus Christ.
01:25:20.000 It's small, though.
01:25:21.000 It's small.
01:25:21.000 It's smaller than you think.
01:25:22.000 Shut up. 1.00
01:25:23.000 No, I mean that. 0.99
01:25:23.000 This is like the main room. 0.99
01:25:25.000 Wow.
01:25:26.000 You know who's doing stand-up now is Don Jr. Really?
01:25:28.000 He's doing stand-up.
01:25:29.000 He was just at Palm Beach.
01:25:32.000 Here's my thought on that building.
01:25:34.000 Can I see that image again?
01:25:36.000 Oh.
01:25:36.000 Now, if this was in the home of a professor, people would think this is magnificent.
01:25:42.000 If this is a guy who's this genius man who wrote books on gene therapy and whatever and just fucking published works and made millions of dollars somehow, and this was his home, you'd be like, what an opulent home. 0.69
01:25:57.000 But you look at it and you know it's Trump's. 1.00
01:25:58.000 You're like, this crazy fuck's gone. 1.00
01:26:01.000 It's a resort, but he lives on a wing. 1.00
01:26:04.000 Okay. 1.00
01:26:05.000 It's his fucking house. 1.00
01:26:08.000 He has people live in his house. 1.00
01:26:11.000 It's a resort. 1.00
01:26:12.000 His house is a fucking resort. 1.00
01:26:13.000 Jamie, Kodak Black at Mar-a-Lago. 1.00
01:26:17.000 Look at this place.
01:26:18.000 Shout out Kodak Black.
01:26:19.000 Bro, he's balling out of control.
01:26:22.000 This is what you're supposed to do when you're a 78-year-old billionaire.
01:26:25.000 You're supposed to be balling out of control.
01:26:28.000 Live on a resort where everybody knows it's yours, so the only people that come are people who love you.
01:26:33.000 So there's all these, thank you for the tax cut, Mr. Trump.
01:26:36.000 He controls the music.
01:26:37.000 You were doing the right thing with China! 1.00
01:26:40.000 You were doing the right thing!
01:26:42.000 Was he?
01:26:43.000 I don't know.
01:26:44.000 They all cheers.
01:26:45.000 How about he controls the music?
01:26:48.000 Of course he does.
01:26:49.000 What kind of music is it?
01:26:50.000 Well, I mean, number one is YMCA. That's his number one choice.
01:26:54.000 He loves that song.
01:26:55.000 Does he really?
01:26:55.000 Yeah, it gets the people going, dude.
01:26:57.000 Young man.
01:26:58.000 Yeah, he knows.
01:26:59.000 It is catchy.
01:27:00.000 Didn't he go out dancing to it once?
01:27:03.000 Yeah.
01:27:03.000 I think so.
01:27:04.000 There was something.
01:27:06.000 Was that what it was?
01:27:06.000 He had that bad dance.
01:27:09.000 Wasn't there like a video of him dancing to a song and the people who made the song objected to it?
01:27:15.000 Oh, yeah.
01:27:17.000 Wasn't there something?
01:27:18.000 I know there was.
01:27:19.000 They do that a lot.
01:27:19.000 Oh, we're not gonna take it.
01:27:21.000 And then Dee Snider.
01:27:22.000 Kodak Black chills, dude. 0.63
01:27:24.000 Who's Kodak Black?
01:27:25.000 He's the man.
01:27:26.000 He's a rapper.
01:27:27.000 There he is with Rudy Giuliani.
01:27:29.000 Oh, wow.
01:27:31.000 I think Trump pardoned Kodak.
01:27:34.000 Really?
01:27:35.000 And A $AP Rocky.
01:27:37.000 That's a good move.
01:27:38.000 If I was Trump, I would go, yeah, that's a good move.
01:27:43.000 Rappers love Trump.
01:27:44.000 Yeah, that's a good move.
01:27:45.000 Yeah, they're millionaires.
01:27:47.000 Yeah, he lives like they rap about.
01:27:49.000 Just say boys, just settle down.
01:27:51.000 Did you know you're young and you're making billions?
01:27:53.000 Yeah.
01:27:53.000 I've done this before.
01:27:54.000 I've been in this business.
01:27:56.000 Guys.
01:27:57.000 What would he say to them? 1.00
01:27:58.000 You're black! 0.99
01:28:02.000 You see the Kanye doc? 0.98
01:28:06.000 Kodak Black, what a great guy.
01:28:08.000 The Kanye doc when he's watching Tucker Carlson.
01:28:11.000 Dapping him up.
01:28:12.000 They're dapping.
01:28:13.000 He daps people. 1.00
01:28:14.000 Oh, he's got a fat white lady. 1.00
01:28:17.000 What's he's limp for? 1.00
01:28:18.000 Probably hurt himself. 0.88
01:28:20.000 Did you get a fat lady as a cane? 1.00
01:28:29.000 That's baller. 1.00
01:28:30.000 That's baller shit. 1.00
01:28:31.000 Oh my god. 1.00
01:28:32.000 Hey Stacy, come help me walk. 0.97
01:28:35.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:28:36.000 Fuck a cane. 1.00
01:28:37.000 Get me a sturdy gal. 1.00
01:28:42.000 Oh my god, that's so ridiculous. 0.99
01:28:44.000 That was wild. 1.00
01:28:45.000 That was the first time I've been like, for real, like, oh shit, there he is. 0.99
01:28:49.000 Like, he was just, he was so clear. 1.00
01:28:51.000 He was from us to Jamie, just standing there, and I was like, oh shit, oh shit. 0.99
01:28:55.000 If he did your podcast, they'd take it off of YouTube. 0.99
01:28:58.000 That already happened with the Nelk Boys. 1.00
01:29:00.000 They did a podcast with him and they took it off YouTube.
01:29:03.000 What was the justification they used?
01:29:05.000 They're trying to keep him off of YouTube.
01:29:08.000 How do they get these guests, these kids?
01:29:10.000 They're like young, hip little kids.
01:29:12.000 They're kind of right-wing, though.
01:29:14.000 Right?
01:29:15.000 I don't know if they are or not.
01:29:17.000 I don't know what their political affiliation is.
01:29:19.000 They're like wild guys who drink a lot.
01:29:21.000 So are we!
01:29:22.000 Yeah, but I don't think they say anything disparaging about Trump.
01:29:25.000 I think I have...
01:29:27.000 I definitely have.
01:29:28.000 I think I've said a lot of things.
01:29:29.000 I think of my special, I was like, it'd be funny if he got shot.
01:29:32.000 Oh my god.
01:29:34.000 That's a funny bit.
01:29:35.000 Good point. 0.99
01:29:37.000 But I don't think he's tallying up all that shit when he books a podcast. 0.99
01:29:39.000 No, I don't think so either. 1.00
01:29:40.000 He's not an idiot. 0.98
01:29:41.000 He'd be like, I get what you're saying. 0.99
01:29:42.000 It's funny.
01:29:43.000 Yeah, I think, like, we talked to Jeff Ross when he roasted Trump and, like, had a conversation with him.
01:29:49.000 He said Trump was laughing at jokes.
01:29:50.000 Before, he was, like, known as a villain.
01:29:52.000 Dude, did you ever see that Stern clip of him and Artie Lank?
01:29:56.000 So good.
01:29:56.000 He's talking about how good Artie Lang was and how funny he was.
01:30:01.000 And then they were like, but didn't he make fun of you at the thing? 0.97
01:30:04.000 And he's like, he was the biggest loser there. 0.98
01:30:06.000 Everybody thought he was a bum. 0.99
01:30:08.000 Just like that. 1.00
01:30:09.000 He's the funniest fucking dude ever. 0.99
01:30:11.000 His best on Stern was when they would show him models. 0.99
01:30:14.000 He's like, mm, lips or two.
01:30:15.000 Nah, I'm not feeling it. 1.00
01:30:17.000 He's nines and he would just shit on them. 1.00
01:30:19.000 He knew the joke. 1.00
01:30:21.000 Yeah.
01:30:21.000 I love Artie Lang.
01:30:22.000 That guy's underrated.
01:30:23.000 He's the Salman Rushdie of comedy because he can't die.
01:30:26.000 Woof. 0.99
01:30:28.000 Damn, that's fabulous. 1.00
01:30:30.000 Pretty wild. 1.00
01:30:30.000 Jesus. 1.00
01:30:31.000 Yo, Salman Rushdie.
01:30:32.000 Where are you going with that one?
01:30:33.000 I'm saying, Artie Lang's the man.
01:30:35.000 I love Artie.
01:30:35.000 He will not die.
01:30:36.000 He won't die.
01:30:37.000 He's beating everybody.
01:30:38.000 No, my woof was what happened to Rushdie.
01:30:40.000 Oh, Rushdie.
01:30:41.000 Yeah, he lost an eye.
01:30:42.000 Like Bisping.
01:30:43.000 Yeah.
01:30:43.000 I'm sure that crowd was like, ha ha, wait a minute, this is serious.
01:30:47.000 Yeah, this is a bit...
01:30:48.000 No, Rush is a tough guy.
01:30:49.000 Yeah, that's pretty crazy.
01:30:50.000 Has he lost an eye?
01:30:51.000 Is that official?
01:30:52.000 They stabbed him in it.
01:30:53.000 Oh, yeah.
01:30:53.000 He stabbed him in the eye?
01:30:54.000 In the eye. 0.93
01:30:55.000 He just kept stabbing him. 0.70
01:30:56.000 Well, not just in the eye, but...
01:30:57.000 He got a lot of them.
01:30:59.000 All over. 1.00
01:30:59.000 If you could stab him in the eye a couple times, you're dead. 1.00
01:31:01.000 Oh, my God. 1.00
01:31:03.000 He's a tough, tough dude.
01:31:05.000 He's not gonna... 1.00
01:31:05.000 Dude, that sucks, Dick. 1.00
01:31:06.000 He wrote that one book. 1.00
01:31:08.000 One book. 0.97
01:31:09.000 And then they were like, we're killing you.
01:31:11.000 I remember when he came out of hiding and it was like, oh, is it over?
01:31:14.000 But I guess not for everybody.
01:31:15.000 The fatwa. 0.52
01:31:16.000 Yeah, the fatwa was lifted?
01:31:17.000 No.
01:31:18.000 How did he come out of hiding, man?
01:31:20.000 And the kid was like 23 who stabbed him. 0.58
01:31:22.000 There's a big bounty on his head. 0.79
01:31:25.000 Rushdie.
01:31:26.000 I'm listening to a book right now.
01:31:28.000 It's called Black Flags.
01:31:29.000 You ever hear that?
01:31:30.000 No.
01:31:31.000 God hates flags.
01:31:31.000 It's about ISIS. Oh, really?
01:31:33.000 It's fucking wild, dude. 1.00
01:31:35.000 Boy, we fucked up Iraq. 1.00
01:31:37.000 We did? 0.99
01:31:38.000 Yeah.
01:31:38.000 I think they had some problems, too.
01:31:40.000 My driver in the way here was from Iraq. 0.99
01:31:42.000 No, we fucked up so bad, dude. 0.97
01:31:44.000 Just full on, like, everybody in the Middle East was like, don't do that. 0.98
01:31:47.000 Make sure you don't do that.
01:31:48.000 Like, we banned, uh...
01:31:50.000 The party?
01:31:50.000 The United States got rid of the Ba'ath party.
01:31:52.000 Yeah.
01:31:52.000 We took over Iraq, and we're like, anybody that was in Saddam's party is out.
01:31:56.000 You can't have a job.
01:31:57.000 But the problem was, everybody was in Saddam's party. 0.51
01:31:59.000 Everybody who had a position.
01:32:00.000 They're like, you must join.
01:32:01.000 Wait a minute.
01:32:02.000 This is our fault?
01:32:03.000 The head surgeon, like, you're out.
01:32:04.000 Iraq? 0.57
01:32:04.000 ISIS is our fault. 0.57
01:32:05.000 ISIS is our fault?
01:32:07.000 I mean, not entirely, but yes.
01:32:09.000 Whoa, I didn't know that.
01:32:10.000 I just thought they hated us.
01:32:12.000 Really?
01:32:12.000 You thought they hated baseball?
01:32:14.000 Yeah, I thought they just hated Americans.
01:32:16.000 They hate us for our freedom.
01:32:17.000 ISIS hates baseball. 0.93
01:32:18.000 That's what they're all about.
01:32:19.000 They do hate us.
01:32:20.000 They get to say, like, that's sinful, but for real, no.
01:32:25.000 Oh, I know.
01:32:26.000 I'm in the dark here.
01:32:26.000 Wait, they have no problem with us?
01:32:28.000 I think they have a problem.
01:32:30.000 They definitely have a problem.
01:32:31.000 But we still created them.
01:32:33.000 Really?
01:32:34.000 Just by doing that.
01:32:35.000 We created the vacuum.
01:32:36.000 Just by outlawing people from the vacuum.
01:32:38.000 Not only that, I don't think they understood the repercussions of the Shia versus the Sunni Muslims going at each other in what's essentially a civil war. 0.80
01:32:46.000 That's crazy.
01:32:47.000 We didn't think that Muslim sects hated each other to the point where they go to war with each other. 1.00
01:32:52.000 That's wild shit, man. 1.00
01:32:54.000 They think that the United States invasion of Iraq Not only was it one of the worst decisions ever in terms of human life, they think that a million people died that wouldn't have died. 1.00
01:33:08.000 Yikes. 0.98
01:33:09.000 And it still sucks. 0.98
01:33:11.000 If you go there right now, is it better? 0.98
01:33:12.000 No, my driver was from Iraq.
01:33:13.000 I was like, how is it?
01:33:14.000 He goes, it's bad.
01:33:15.000 I'm like, is that just a certain region?
01:33:16.000 He goes, no, it's pretty much everywhere.
01:33:18.000 It's just really bad.
01:33:19.000 It's bad.
01:33:20.000 Really?
01:33:20.000 Dude, there are parts of the world that I really wish people would either know about or visit.
01:33:26.000 Yemen? 0.54
01:33:27.000 Yeah, before they even think about what you think the world is. 0.99
01:33:31.000 If you think about what you think the world is, you think the world is fucking Santa Monica. 0.99
01:33:35.000 That's not the goddamn world. 0.99
01:33:37.000 The world's not Brooklyn. 0.99
01:33:38.000 The world is weird.
01:33:40.000 The world is weird and it's like bubbling all around us. 0.91
01:33:43.000 We're like the center of cheese that hasn't been fucking cooked by the heat yet. 0.98
01:33:46.000 All the outside edges are all crispy and fucked up and it's starting to get to the center. 0.99
01:33:50.000 That's us. 0.99
01:33:51.000 That's America.
01:33:52.000 Well, why can't they chill out?
01:33:54.000 Well, they need resources.
01:33:55.000 Yeah, I went to Egypt right after there was some terrorist attack, so tourism was way down, and there was like a desperation in the air, where they were like, we're about to get violent.
01:34:04.000 Really?
01:34:05.000 We all lost our lives. 0.99
01:34:07.000 Fucking COVID was brutal for places that were like vacation spots. 1.00
01:34:11.000 Imagine vacation, like Hawaii got brutalized by COVID. Really? 1.00
01:34:16.000 Yeah, it's terrible for them.
01:34:18.000 It's all tourism.
01:34:18.000 It's all tourism.
01:34:19.000 That's all their money. 1.00
01:34:20.000 They fucking love the tourists. 1.00
01:34:22.000 They love the tourists' money. 1.00
01:34:23.000 They just don't like rude, asshole Americans. 1.00
01:34:26.000 We say, oh, they don't like us. 1.00
01:34:27.000 No, that's not us. 1.00
01:34:29.000 You get fucking drunk and you say stupid shit. 1.00
01:34:31.000 You're from a fucking island, faggot. 1.00
01:34:33.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00
01:34:37.000 Disrespectful.
01:34:37.000 You're visiting their culture, man.
01:34:40.000 They're some of the nicest fucking people alive. 0.99
01:34:41.000 Really? 0.99
01:34:42.000 Hawaiians are amazing.
01:34:43.000 First off, everybody's nice.
01:34:45.000 Every single country is nice.
01:34:47.000 Paris is nice. 0.99
01:34:48.000 Everywhere you go, they're nice if you're not a cunt. 1.00
01:34:51.000 Exactly. 1.00
01:34:52.000 American tourists act like they're the ones, like that kid who pissed on the tree on Midsommar. 0.97
01:34:56.000 They're like, you got a problem with tourists!
01:34:59.000 It's one of the problems of nationalism.
01:35:00.000 We can't be responsible for those folks. 1.00
01:35:02.000 We can't be responsible for these fucking idiots that we pretend are on the same team as us that are dumbasses and fuck things up and go to countries and spray paint shit on statues because they think it's funny. 1.00
01:35:12.000 Get blowjobs in public. 1.00
01:35:13.000 Did you see those fucking climate activists that glued themselves to a statue of the Vatican? 1.00
01:35:18.000 Did they glued themselves to a renaissance painting? 1.00
01:35:21.000 What? 1.00
01:35:22.000 Yeah, wild shit. 1.00
01:35:23.000 They're touching these priceless artifacts and they're getting their hands stuck on them. 0.99
01:35:29.000 So how do they get their hands off?
01:35:31.000 They must use some sort of solvent or something.
01:35:33.000 So what if that fucks up and permanently mars these priceless statues?
01:35:41.000 Holy hell. 0.58
01:35:41.000 How are they doing this? 0.58
01:35:42.000 Which are kind of the only good things that are going to survive after climate change.
01:35:45.000 So here's how they did it at the Vatican. 1.00
01:35:48.000 These fucking kooks. 1.00
01:35:49.000 How bad does that old man want to fuck that woman? 1.00
01:35:51.000 Oh, so bad. 1.00
01:35:52.000 This is his only shot.
01:35:54.000 I got to prove myself.
01:35:55.000 I don't want to do it.
01:35:56.000 He thinks he's got a chance.
01:35:57.000 26-year-old woman referred to only as Laura and an unnamed older man. 0.96
01:36:02.000 Let's just call him cuck.
01:36:03.000 Along with several reporters entering to Vatican Museums where the activists glued themselves to the base of the sculpture. 0.74
01:36:11.000 Oh my god.
01:36:12.000 That might be the horniest dude of all time.
01:36:14.000 Did you see how they got him off, Jamie? 0.99
01:36:15.000 How the fuck did they get him off? 1.00
01:36:17.000 They should have drop-kicked him until they were fucking removed. 1.00
01:36:19.000 These Just Stop Oil and Ultima Generose have received $1 million in funding. 1.00
01:36:25.000 That sucks.
01:36:25.000 Oh, that's the company.
01:36:26.000 Oh, I thought they used that stuff.
01:36:28.000 Just Stop Oil to get the...
01:36:30.000 I thought it was like a solvent.
01:36:31.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.97
01:36:32.000 And they had to fuck the surface of it up. 0.67
01:36:35.000 I mean, you've definitely introduced something that should never be there with superglue and human skin tissue.
01:36:40.000 So you're going to clean that off?
01:36:41.000 You're going to leave it there forever? 1.00
01:36:42.000 So everyone's going to know that's where the climate activists glue their fucking stupid hands? 1.00
01:36:46.000 It does look like it might just be the base that they put later. 1.00
01:36:50.000 I think they got a painting.
01:36:51.000 Oh, that they put in later.
01:36:52.000 Yeah, it's like they attach a stature to a base.
01:36:54.000 Okay, well that sounds bad.
01:36:55.000 Isn't that funny? 1.00
01:36:56.000 If that was old, we'd be like, what the fuck, bro? 1.00
01:36:59.000 It's so old. 0.99
01:37:00.000 Did you see the video?
01:37:01.000 Oh, it's from the 80s.
01:37:02.000 Oh, okay.
01:37:03.000 See the video of the guy sitting on the highway?
01:37:05.000 Pull that up, Jamie.
01:37:06.000 The guy's sitting on the highway because of climate change, and they were just yanking him. 1.00
01:37:10.000 Dude's just like, yo, I have to go to work, you fucking losers. 1.00
01:37:12.000 Oh, they hate that. 1.00
01:37:13.000 You're getting in the way of my fucking shit. 1.00
01:37:15.000 I gotta show you guys the most alarmist climate change shit I have ever seen in my life. 1.00
01:37:20.000 Yeah, this is good. 0.99
01:37:21.000 Oh, here it is.
01:37:22.000 They're just moving these ladies. 1.00
01:37:24.000 He's like, I'm going to fucking work. 0.99
01:37:26.000 I mean, people are going to funerals. 0.99
01:37:27.000 They're going to school. 1.00
01:37:28.000 Those people are so goddamn crazy. 1.00
01:37:31.000 Look at them. 1.00
01:37:31.000 Then you get some, too. 1.00
01:37:32.000 Then you get some, too.
01:37:34.000 Come get some.
01:37:35.000 What city is this?
01:37:36.000 And they just scoot right back.
01:37:39.000 In Maryland.
01:37:40.000 This is in Maryland.
01:37:41.000 Go Maryland!
01:37:42.000 Number one state. 0.96
01:37:43.000 Oh boy, the black lady is going to get some business done. 1.00
01:37:45.000 I guarantee you none of those people have ever read studies on climate change. 0.98
01:37:49.000 I fucking guarantee you they never got over peer-reviewed data and tried to find out what the actual long-term understanding of the climate's ups and downs are.
01:37:59.000 Look at this. 0.98
01:37:59.000 Zombie ice from Greenland will raise sea levels 10 inches. 0.98
01:38:03.000 That's for climate change.
01:38:04.000 Now listen, I want to be real clear.
01:38:06.000 I'm not saying that climate change is not real.
01:38:08.000 Climate change is 100% real.
01:38:09.000 Climate change is being affected by human civilization 100%. 1.00
01:38:12.000 Also, people are crazy and they like to lose their fucking minds and exaggerate things and go way off the deep end. 1.00
01:38:20.000 It becomes a new field of cult-like thinking. 1.00
01:38:24.000 That, what you just saw, Look at that.
01:38:27.000 Put that thing up again. 0.99
01:38:29.000 Put that fucking picture up again, Jamie, please. 0.99
01:38:32.000 Zombie ice from Greenland will raise sea level 10 inches. 0.99
01:38:36.000 Dude, if sea level goes up 10 inches, everyone's dead.
01:38:38.000 Everything's dead.
01:38:39.000 I thought we needed some sea level.
01:38:42.000 No, we don't need it.
01:38:44.000 Miami, New York's gone.
01:38:45.000 New York's gone.
01:38:46.000 10 inches?
01:38:47.000 Miami's gone.
01:38:48.000 No, 10 inches is a crazy number.
01:38:50.000 Yeah, it doesn't seem like 10 inches.
01:38:52.000 That's a crazy number.
01:38:52.000 That's a crazy number.
01:38:54.000 That's a devastating number.
01:38:56.000 Just one...
01:38:57.000 Like one inch fucks things up. 1.00
01:38:59.000 One Kevin Hart dick. 1.00
01:38:59.000 One black dick, yeah. 1.00
01:39:00.000 Oh, some other study said it could go 30 inches. 1.00
01:39:04.000 Now, if that's true...
01:39:05.000 30! 0.99
01:39:05.000 That's fucked up. 0.99
01:39:06.000 Do you ever see Trump talking about climate change? 0.99
01:39:08.000 What does he say?
01:39:09.000 Oh, it's the best.
01:39:09.000 Where he curses in the middle of it?
01:39:10.000 2100. It's likely...
01:39:12.000 Good.
01:39:12.000 Okay, so, for likely sea level rise from Greenland ice melt by the year 2100. Yeah, so that's what Trump said about climate change.
01:39:19.000 He goes, well, we gotta worry about this, because the sea level's gonna go up one-tenth of a fucking inch. 0.99
01:39:23.000 That's fucking 200 years. 0.97
01:39:26.000 The lady behind him just raises his arms. 0.99
01:39:28.000 She's like, yes!
01:39:30.000 Jamie, stop right there.
01:39:31.000 I've read it wrong.
01:39:32.000 The unavoidable 10 inches in the study is more than twice as much sea level rise as scientists had previously expected from the melting of Greenland's ice sheets.
01:39:41.000 The study in the journal Nature Climate Change said it could reach as much as 30 inches, 78 centimeters.
01:39:46.000 By contrast, last year's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reported projected range of 2 to 5 inches.
01:39:53.000 Two to five.
01:39:54.000 That's what I do.
01:39:57.000 That's where I'm at. 0.99
01:39:58.000 We're fucked either way. 0.99
01:39:59.000 Just party. 1.00
01:40:00.000 Yeah, but I don't necessarily think they know we're fucked. 0.97
01:40:03.000 The problem is, like, people can adapt to things, and there's a certain aspect of it that you can't avoid at this point. 0.96
01:40:09.000 There's been damage done, and there's also, like, a clear...
01:40:13.000 There's a clear...
01:40:14.000 Change in climate that's happening, but there's always been a change in climate.
01:40:18.000 The question is like how much do people have an effect on it?
01:40:21.000 Definitely have some, but is it all because of us and the only way we're gonna fix this?
01:40:25.000 We're gonna go electric cars, or is there like some sort of a technological way to fix it?
01:40:30.000 Is there a way to pull carbon from the atmosphere?
01:40:33.000 That's the problem.
01:40:34.000 It's like you charge them nuclear power in the cleanest way.
01:40:37.000 But nuclear power, they don't want to do that.
01:40:39.000 They don't want to do it.
01:40:39.000 But it's the best.
01:40:40.000 It's the best.
01:40:41.000 It really is. 0.99
01:40:42.000 It's like the most devastating when shit goes south, though. 0.99
01:40:44.000 You can shut a coal plant down. 0.99
01:40:46.000 When a nuclear power plant goes sideways, everybody has to move.
01:40:50.000 It's like a Holtzman set.
01:40:55.000 When it goes bad, it goes really bad.
01:40:57.000 I'm from Three Mile Island, dude.
01:41:00.000 Oh my god, are you really?
01:41:01.000 It's right by my house.
01:41:02.000 How far away?
01:41:03.000 It's Harrisburg. 0.99
01:41:04.000 It's fucking 15 minutes. 0.99
01:41:06.000 They had a nuclear thing there? 1.00
01:41:07.000 My parents had to fucking evacuate. 1.00
01:41:10.000 Damn. 1.00
01:41:10.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:41:11.000 Is that why you got all fucked up? 0.99
01:41:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:41:14.000 You were the one?
01:41:15.000 Hey, hey! 0.96
01:41:16.000 Comedy. 0.99
01:41:17.000 I'm the one who's fucked up, definitely. 1.00
01:41:19.000 Not you. 1.00
01:41:20.000 Mentally. 1.00
01:41:21.000 That's why shit looks like that. 0.99
01:41:23.000 That wasn't bad. 0.99
01:41:26.000 It's not that we don't need to do something. 0.98
01:41:28.000 It's that when you tell people that we need to do something, then people get into a fucking fever. 0.98
01:41:32.000 And then they get crazy. 1.00
01:41:34.000 And then they abandon logic and reason, and they start acting like people that are in a fucking cult. 0.99
01:41:39.000 And that's what you see from a lot of this climate change craziness. 0.99
01:41:42.000 People gluing themselves to statues and laying in the road to stop climate change.
01:41:47.000 Like, what do you want me to do?
01:41:48.000 I'm trying to go to work!
01:41:50.000 What are you going to do?
01:41:52.000 Make awareness to people?
01:41:54.000 Everybody knows.
01:41:55.000 It's just selfish.
01:41:56.000 It's just for them. 0.97
01:41:57.000 That must have sucked so bad. 0.74
01:41:59.000 Especially when you were first. 0.94
01:42:00.000 You were first in line.
01:42:02.000 Get out! 0.98
01:42:03.000 No way! 0.87
01:42:04.000 Yeah, but just being one of those people sitting there and then a black lady comes out and you're like, I was hoping it would be a white truck driver. 0.99
01:42:15.000 Well, I also, I understand your plight as well.
01:42:20.000 But man, this is bigger than all of us.
01:42:21.000 But we have to realize too, like, who's doing that?
01:42:23.000 Not smart people.
01:42:24.000 That's not a smart person's move. 1.00
01:42:26.000 So if there's a dumb person that thinks that this is the way to fucking get brownie points for the cause, they're gonna lay down on the highway. 0.99
01:42:32.000 They just want the photo. 1.00
01:42:33.000 They want to be a part of it.
01:42:35.000 They're going to storm the Capitol.
01:42:37.000 It makes you a part of something important. 1.00
01:42:39.000 It's the same shit. 1.00
01:42:39.000 It's the same shit about rape jokes. 1.00
01:42:41.000 They go so hard on people, and it was like, hey, is this achieving what you wanted to achieve? 0.99
01:42:46.000 It's not, right?
01:42:47.000 Everyone's just going harder in response to you.
01:42:49.000 You're just making people more out there.
01:42:51.000 Maybe talk to them or something.
01:42:52.000 I don't understand what you said.
01:42:54.000 Their tactics are not getting what they want.
01:42:57.000 When they go after somebody for making a rape joke, suddenly everyone doesn't stop making them.
01:43:01.000 Making rape jokes or making rapes? 0.98
01:43:03.000 Anything. 0.97
01:43:03.000 Rape jokes. 0.97
01:43:05.000 Everyone just goes harder.
01:43:06.000 I see what you're saying.
01:43:06.000 So it's like your tactics aren't working.
01:43:07.000 Oh, I see.
01:43:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:43:09.000 Like those people need better tactics than laying down in front of traffic.
01:43:12.000 They pick the easy route.
01:43:14.000 See, you're looking in terms of someone who produces art and people that criticize that art, even if those are as offensive as a rape joke.
01:43:21.000 What those people are doing is instantaneously plugging into virtue. 0.99
01:43:24.000 You could be the biggest fucking loser ever, but if you're willing to put on that vest and lay down on the highway, everybody will call you brave. 0.99
01:43:30.000 Right. 1.00
01:43:32.000 That's what it is. 0.99
01:43:32.000 And if you're one of those fucking people that says, we're out here trying to fight climate change, and that's how you're doing it? 0.99
01:43:37.000 You're blocking traffic and making people idle? 0.99
01:43:39.000 We're causing a traffic jam, which is actually probably bad for everyone.
01:43:43.000 It's terrible.
01:43:45.000 Terrible. 0.99
01:43:45.000 Also, cars are going to break down, so you don't need more gas burnt to get a fucking tow truck out there. 0.99
01:43:50.000 And everyone in the crowd is like, we don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 1.00
01:43:52.000 It's so dumb and people get violent because like if you have to go somewhere, maybe your kid got fucking broke his leg at school and you're driving there and also there's some climate change person laying down the fucking house. 1.00
01:44:04.000 Can you imagine how angry you'd be? 1.00
01:44:07.000 Imagine your son's playing football and your wife calls you. 1.00
01:44:12.000 You broke his leg like oh shit. 1.00
01:44:14.000 If you miss one more, you're out. 1.00
01:44:14.000 And you're trying to get to the fucking hospital and some Dipshit! 1.00
01:44:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:44:19.000 Is just laying in the middle of the road. 1.00
01:44:22.000 I mean, yeah.
01:44:22.000 And you just want to dismember him.
01:44:25.000 You just want to grab him and throw him like a fucking sack of potatoes. 1.00
01:44:31.000 I have no time for this! 1.00
01:44:33.000 Like, you don't give a fuck, man. 1.00
01:44:34.000 You want to body slam him on the concrete. 1.00
01:44:36.000 You're fucking angry. 1.00
01:44:37.000 Your kid just got hit by a car. 1.00
01:44:39.000 And you got to sit and watch this moron with this shitty idea imposing it on everybody. 1.00
01:44:44.000 It's amazing you can get to that, though. 1.00
01:44:46.000 That's pretty cool.
01:44:47.000 Remember that lady who laid on the street naked in Portland? 1.00
01:44:50.000 During the height of everything?
01:44:51.000 Yeah, she stuck her cooter out for a climate change. 1.00
01:44:54.000 It's incredible.
01:44:54.000 I can get to that level.
01:44:55.000 She's not helping or doing anything.
01:44:57.000 She is.
01:44:57.000 She's helping herself.
01:44:58.000 She's getting a lot of attention.
01:45:00.000 That's the problem, man.
01:45:01.000 People get rewarded for attention.
01:45:02.000 Wait, wasn't that during like...
01:45:04.000 Is it BLM? I think it was BLM. A white lady showed her pussy to white cops during BLM. Good time. 1.00
01:45:11.000 They're racist, so they need to look at this pussy. 1.00
01:45:16.000 Too bad the show Cops ended. 1.00
01:45:17.000 That would have been a great episode.
01:45:20.000 That might have killed the show. 0.94
01:45:21.000 That'd be a finale.
01:45:24.000 Yeah, good times.
01:45:25.000 Cops rules, dude.
01:45:26.000 That was one of the longest-running shows ever.
01:45:28.000 Coming back.
01:45:29.000 I think it's coming back.
01:45:30.000 I think it's Foxfire.
01:45:31.000 Jay had the best joke about it.
01:45:32.000 Because somebody got killed, right?
01:45:34.000 Wow.
01:45:34.000 That was during BLM. They were like, we don't want to promote this.
01:45:37.000 Yeah, it was PR. That's right.
01:45:39.000 Jay was like, oh yeah, great idea.
01:45:41.000 Stop filming cops.
01:45:43.000 That's your solution.
01:45:44.000 That's a great joke.
01:45:45.000 It's like literally one of the most...
01:45:48.000 Watched shows of all time.
01:45:50.000 Yeah, it's an incredible reality show.
01:45:52.000 How many episodes of cops were there?
01:45:53.000 I've seen all of them.
01:45:54.000 A lot of them were down in Louisiana.
01:45:57.000 Louisiana had a good run. 0.98
01:45:59.000 Bad boys, bad boys.
01:46:00.000 They made that song.
01:46:02.000 Do you remember when Steven Seagal was a cop in Louisiana?
01:46:06.000 Do I? And he did a television show.
01:46:08.000 He was a real cop.
01:46:11.000 Listen to me, he was a real cop.
01:46:12.000 It was a reality show.
01:46:13.000 Steven Seagal would go and pull people over.
01:46:15.000 I think Segura had a bit about it.
01:46:17.000 He did, yeah.
01:46:18.000 He did. 1.00
01:46:18.000 It is the wildest shit you're ever going to see in your life. 1.00
01:46:21.000 He wasn't doing ride-alongs. 1.00
01:46:23.000 He was a cop.
01:46:24.000 He was a cop.
01:46:25.000 And he adopted a southern accent.
01:46:29.000 And I'm not bullshitting. 0.86
01:46:30.000 I'm not bullshitting.
01:46:31.000 Go to it.
01:46:32.000 Go to a video. 1.00
01:46:33.000 He adopted a fucking Louisiana accent. 1.00
01:46:38.000 Isn't he like 6'3"? 1.00
01:46:39.000 Oh, he's a big boy.
01:46:40.000 He's tall.
01:46:40.000 I met him a bunch of times.
01:46:41.000 Really?
01:46:42.000 Yeah.
01:46:44.000 Didn't he invent his own...
01:46:47.000 So he's a movie star, and he's a cop!
01:46:50.000 Don't touch your hair.
01:46:51.000 Don't touch your hair.
01:46:55.000 I relate to these guys.
01:46:57.000 Oh, Harry Lee, he's a legend in Louisiana.
01:46:59.000 Really?
01:47:00.000 Yeah, he's a big sheriff.
01:47:08.000 Southern. 1.00
01:47:09.000 Dude, this guy is nuts. 1.00
01:47:11.000 Willing. 1.00
01:47:12.000 That my best marksman could beat you?
01:47:15.000 And I said, sure.
01:47:16.000 What's going on with his accent?
01:47:17.000 He kind of nailed it.
01:47:18.000 That's kind of the Creole, Louisiana accent.
01:47:25.000 That's the exit.
01:47:26.000 He's doing it pretty good.
01:47:29.000 Is he from there?
01:47:33.000 No!
01:47:34.000 He is now. 1.00
01:47:34.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:47:35.000 Where is he from? 1.00
01:47:37.000 He's a man from nowhere.
01:47:39.000 I don't know where he was born.
01:47:45.000 Maybe he was born there.
01:47:46.000 No.
01:47:47.000 But I know he never talked like this before.
01:47:49.000 So he was on the show.
01:47:51.000 Somebody did.
01:47:58.000 It's getting more Southern as the interview goes along.
01:48:00.000 He's starting to get it.
01:48:02.000 He's getting groove.
01:48:03.000 He was born in Lansing, Michigan.
01:48:12.000 Did he ever live in Louisiana before this?
01:48:14.000 I don't think so.
01:48:15.000 Does it say go to Wikipedia?
01:48:17.000 I think he did one movie in New Orleans.
01:48:19.000 He's from Michigan.
01:48:20.000 Oh my god, that's crazy.
01:48:22.000 That is so hilarious.
01:48:24.000 He's kind of a chameleon.
01:48:26.000 Yeah.
01:48:27.000 You know, that guy was one of the first Americans to run a dojo in Japan.
01:48:32.000 Wow.
01:48:33.000 Yeah, he was a legitimate Aikido master.
01:48:35.000 I think he was like married to the master's daughter or something like that.
01:48:38.000 Wow.
01:48:39.000 But he was a legit Aikido guy.
01:48:41.000 What's he up to now?
01:48:42.000 Can you imagine getting arrested and then kicking out the car window?
01:48:46.000 I know.
01:48:46.000 That's not easy.
01:48:47.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:48:48.000 I'm really upset. 1.00
01:48:49.000 My mom's going to be pissed. 1.00
01:48:50.000 Just like, no, I'm going for it further.
01:48:52.000 Yeah, you got to respect it. 0.98
01:48:53.000 You ever see that police guy in Louisiana doing the fucking, he's like, to the goblins, I'm here to give you a, see if you can find a dude from Louisiana. 0.99
01:49:02.000 He's a parish sheriff. 0.99
01:49:06.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:49:07.000 He just gives a fucking message. 1.00
01:49:08.000 He's like, we're going to fuck you up. 1.00
01:49:10.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:49:11.000 It's so nice.
01:49:12.000 What are the goblins?
01:49:13.000 It was a gang in his parish, and he just gives a full-on speech where he's like, come meet us with guns. 1.00
01:49:20.000 We're gonna fucking kill you. 1.00
01:49:21.000 All right. 1.00
01:49:22.000 Dude, with the fucking Creole accent. 1.00
01:49:24.000 Cajun law. 1.00
01:49:25.000 It's so nice, dude.
01:49:27.000 Wow.
01:49:27.000 And to the goblins, I have this message for you.
01:49:30.000 It's so good, dude.
01:49:32.000 I mean, growing up there, it felt like we were detached from the U.S. Louisiana feels like its own thing.
01:49:38.000 Well, first of all, in New Orleans, it's just spooky voodoo. 0.99
01:49:42.000 You can drink outside.
01:49:44.000 People come there when they ran over a kid.
01:49:47.000 That's where people come to live.
01:49:49.000 Dude, Neil Gaiman at American Gods, he says New Orleans is not part of America.
01:49:53.000 That's what I'm saying!
01:49:53.000 That's a separate place.
01:49:54.000 Oh, this shit rules, dude. 1.00
01:49:56.000 This will just fire you up. 1.00
01:50:00.000 Abbeville.
01:50:01.000 It's quiet.
01:50:02.000 Drug trafficking, extortion, and brutal beatings.
01:50:05.000 We've arrested ten of these thugs and have warrants on seven more.
01:50:09.000 Every one of these animals is most definitely armed and dangerous.
01:50:14.000 Darren Carter.
01:50:15.000 Aaron Carter.
01:50:17.000 Travis Cooper.
01:50:18.000 We have felony warrants.
01:50:20.000 And like me, We'll return fire with superior fire.
01:50:24.000 Wow.
01:50:25.000 Darren Carter, you think men like these are afraid of an uneducated, 125-pound punk like you that's never won a fair fight in your life and holds your gun sideways?
01:50:35.000 Young man, I'll meet you on solid ground anytime, anywhere, light or heavy.
01:50:40.000 Makes no difference to me.
01:50:42.000 You won't walk away.
01:50:43.000 Look at you.
01:50:44.000 Men like us, son, we do dumbbell presses with weights bigger than you.
01:50:49.000 And the convicts in jail, most of those men are good people who just found themselves crossed with the law.
01:50:55.000 They're not evil, and they don't respect you or any punk like you.
01:51:00.000 They'll toss you around like a rag doll.
01:51:03.000 I encourage every citizen walking this show of force.
01:51:06.000 This is on the news.
01:51:08.000 Find the American courage that conquers all evil.
01:51:11.000 I implore you to listen to this message and stand up.
01:51:15.000 Take back your streets.
01:51:16.000 Take back your country. 0.99
01:51:18.000 Come forward with information about these heathens that have terrorized your community. 0.92
01:51:23.000 One take.
01:51:24.000 And for those who would use this message as a way to create false racial division in our country, Take a close look behind me.
01:51:32.000 Standing next to every cop is a leader of our black community.
01:51:36.000 This is not about race.
01:51:37.000 It's about right versus wrong.
01:51:41.000 One last message to the gremlins.
01:51:43.000 One last message to the gremlins.
01:51:45.000 That was a cut.
01:51:45.000 One last message to the gremlins.
01:51:47.000 You don't like the things I'm easy to find.
01:51:50.000 Oh, that's the best.
01:51:51.000 You gotta get that.
01:51:52.000 On behalf of the St. Landry Parish Sheriff's Office, the Louisiana State Police, the U.S. Marshals, and every cop and law-abiding citizen from sea to shining sea, I'm Captain Clay Higgins, asking every patriot to stand up, share this video,
01:52:08.000 and send a clear message to the world.
01:52:11.000 We're Americans.
01:52:12.000 We'd rather die on our feet than live on our knees.
01:52:17.000 Whoa, I got chills. 1.00
01:52:20.000 If that guy runs for president, we are fucked. 1.00
01:52:24.000 If that guy runs for president, we are fucked. 1.00
01:52:28.000 Holy shit. 1.00
01:52:29.000 Can I just say, the Gremlins is a cool name for a gang. 1.00
01:52:32.000 Don't get them wet.
01:52:33.000 Cool name for a gang.
01:52:34.000 Yeah, it's like cool. 1.00
01:52:35.000 That guy's got to be dead. 0.76
01:52:36.000 That guy's awesome. 0.91
01:52:37.000 There's no way he's still going.
01:52:38.000 To the gremlins, I'm easy to find.
01:52:40.000 Could you imagine the rallies that that guy would have if he was running for president?
01:52:45.000 Such a good speaker.
01:52:45.000 He's got to have a movie run.
01:52:46.000 How nice is that?
01:52:47.000 Can you imagine?
01:52:48.000 And also with his experience?
01:52:50.000 What's his experience?
01:52:52.000 He looked ahead.
01:52:53.000 I know what you're going to get me on.
01:52:54.000 You're going to say racial. 0.58
01:52:56.000 No, no.
01:52:56.000 Look behind me.
01:52:57.000 Yes!
01:52:58.000 Yeah, police captain what?
01:53:00.000 Uh...
01:53:01.000 He's now a congressman.
01:53:03.000 Oh! 1.00
01:53:04.000 He's gonna be the fucking president! 1.00
01:53:06.000 Where he's running, I don't know. 1.00
01:53:07.000 He's gonna be the president!
01:53:08.000 He looks like Joe Rogan.
01:53:11.000 Bro, that guy's gonna be president.
01:53:13.000 I can see it.
01:53:14.000 He's like white Joe Rogan.
01:53:15.000 He's gonna be president.
01:53:18.000 SWAT. Oh, he's still going.
01:53:20.000 Uncle Clay.
01:53:21.000 Yeah, he's a SWAT team.
01:53:22.000 All right, Uncle Clay.
01:53:25.000 Military police officer.
01:53:28.000 Who dat?
01:53:28.000 Army, Louisiana, National Guard.
01:53:30.000 He's gonna say something wild. 1.00
01:53:32.000 He's gonna say some wild shit. 0.98
01:53:33.000 Someone's gonna get him being like, what do you mean, guys? 0.99
01:53:36.000 Yeah.
01:53:37.000 Listen, he'll still win.
01:53:38.000 That guy might win.
01:53:40.000 Wow. 1.00
01:53:40.000 Let me tell you, if that guy runs for president, we're fucked. 1.00
01:53:42.000 That's pretty good. 0.99
01:53:43.000 Yeah, even Trump would see that and be like, this guy's gonna tone it down. 0.99
01:53:45.000 He'd be like, holy shit. 0.99
01:53:47.000 Trump would be like, oh. 0.99
01:53:49.000 Can I be your vice president?
01:53:50.000 You can bring it down to a seven.
01:53:52.000 Yeah, wow, that's exciting.
01:53:54.000 I've never seen that.
01:53:55.000 Yeah, it's pretty fun, right?
01:53:56.000 It's intense.
01:53:56.000 There's a lot of people like that out there in this world.
01:53:58.000 Oh, yeah.
01:53:59.000 They very much feel like that.
01:54:00.000 How nice is that?
01:54:01.000 They're tired of crime.
01:54:01.000 Just on the local news, just being like, you know where I live.
01:54:04.000 Most of the future crimes were solved, and what was most significant was that many of the suspects responded to Uncle Clay's message of redemption and turned themselves in.
01:54:12.000 Turned themselves in?
01:54:13.000 It worked!
01:54:13.000 It worked!
01:54:15.000 The program was one of the most successful in the history of law enforcement.
01:54:19.000 They just want discipline!
01:54:22.000 Do you know how crazy that is?
01:54:23.000 The Gremlins!
01:54:24.000 They just want a strong male figure. 0.71
01:54:26.000 Do you know how crazy that is?
01:54:27.000 It was one of the most successful in the history of law enforcement.
01:54:30.000 Wow.
01:54:30.000 What do you do about that?
01:54:31.000 Is that coming from his own website?
01:54:33.000 Definitely.
01:54:33.000 Yes, definitely.
01:54:34.000 Okay, hold on. 1.00
01:54:35.000 Shit. 1.00
01:54:37.000 100%. 1.00
01:54:38.000 He got us.
01:54:39.000 Find the Gremlins.
01:54:39.000 Find the Gremlins Instagram.
01:54:40.000 When that means the most successful out of how many.
01:54:42.000 I'm in the top 1,500.
01:54:44.000 The Gremlins is like, yo, we're still going strong. 1.00
01:54:45.000 Fuck Higgins. 0.99
01:54:46.000 When he says the most successful in history, like, what's the number? 1.00
01:54:49.000 Is it number 8?
01:54:50.000 Is it number 2,000?
01:54:51.000 In law enforcement history.
01:54:52.000 What's the most...
01:54:53.000 Most successful what?
01:54:55.000 Campaigns?
01:54:55.000 Yeah, successful, significant campaign.
01:54:57.000 Elliot Ness was pretty good.
01:54:59.000 Elliot Ness ruled.
01:55:00.000 Some of those guys.
01:55:02.000 There's another one from Louisiana Shreveport.
01:55:04.000 It's not as crazy as that, but these kids kept fighting, so the dads came in and disciplined the kids.
01:55:09.000 It was like 40 dads.
01:55:10.000 That's fun.
01:55:11.000 Just coming to the high school and just shaking kids up.
01:55:13.000 Remember Scared Straight?
01:55:14.000 Oh, of course.
01:55:15.000 Scared Straight was fun.
01:55:16.000 Scared Street scared me.
01:55:18.000 While I was watching, I was doing nothing.
01:55:21.000 I don't do any crunch.
01:55:22.000 I was watching that, I was terrified.
01:55:24.000 I love the few episodes where the kid there knew that there weren't a lot of touch them. 1.00
01:55:29.000 Get your hands off me, pussy. 1.00
01:55:31.000 And they'd be like, fuck. 1.00
01:55:33.000 Those kids are still, that's ballsy shit. 1.00
01:55:35.000 That's still ballsy. 1.00
01:55:37.000 Who was it, what reporter, there was a reporter that was interviewing a pro wrestler.
01:55:43.000 Snowden.
01:55:43.000 No, no, no.
01:55:45.000 He was saying that it was fake.
01:55:48.000 And the pro wrestler clipped him upside the head and dropped him. 0.99
01:55:51.000 That was just an open hand slap!
01:55:53.000 And he slaps him again.
01:55:54.000 Who was it?
01:55:55.000 Ray Schultz?
01:55:55.000 Andrew's brother?
01:55:56.000 David Schultz?
01:55:56.000 No, no, no, no, no.
01:55:57.000 Yeah, that's the wrestler. 0.97
01:55:59.000 That's Andrew's dad. 0.91
01:56:02.000 What the hell's wrong with you? 0.98
01:56:05.000 That's an open hand slap. 0.98
01:56:07.000 No, it's not Geraldo.
01:56:09.000 Oh, two of them!
01:56:12.000 Who was that?
01:56:15.000 Just watched the whole fight, dude.
01:56:17.000 I know who it is, I just can't remember.
01:56:19.000 Oh, there he is.
01:56:24.000 Stossel, that's what it is.
01:56:25.000 John Stossel.
01:56:26.000 That guy.
01:56:27.000 So the guy goes on to be like a legitimate journalist, right?
01:56:30.000 He just got cocky with a big giant guy.
01:56:32.000 He thought there were barriers that weren't there.
01:56:34.000 Yeah, he decided that he could get away with something.
01:56:36.000 Everybody thinks this is fake.
01:56:36.000 But I think that fucked David Schultz's career up, didn't it?
01:56:39.000 Oh, sure.
01:56:40.000 He said he stayed in character, because Schultz says, McMahon told him he had to stay in character, and he goes, this was in character.
01:56:46.000 You know who loves that video is Will Smith.
01:56:48.000 He said he decided it was true to his character to slap the guy upside the head twice for calling him a fake. 0.99
01:56:52.000 Stossel was knocked on his ass and ran away from the dangerous situation. 1.00
01:56:56.000 Fuck yeah, it was dangerous. 1.00
01:56:58.000 But you should have said that. 1.00
01:57:00.000 He filled that up.
01:57:00.000 So if he told Schultz to stay in character...
01:57:04.000 I mean, that still doesn't, like, mean you're supposed to assault reporters.
01:57:08.000 Twice.
01:57:09.000 Remember the Chris Everett?
01:57:10.000 But I guess he would in character, though, right?
01:57:12.000 Jim Rohn.
01:57:13.000 Remember the Jim Rohn Chris Everett?
01:57:14.000 Yeah!
01:57:15.000 He kept calling Chrissy Everett.
01:57:16.000 He goes, I bet you won't call me that to my face.
01:57:18.000 He goes, I bet you I do.
01:57:20.000 Pull it up.
01:57:20.000 He goes, do it again.
01:57:21.000 Pull it up.
01:57:22.000 Do it again, and I'm gonna...
01:57:23.000 I bet you I do.
01:57:24.000 Chris.
01:57:25.000 Chrissy.
01:57:26.000 Chrissy.
01:57:27.000 Oh, yeah!
01:57:28.000 I can see that.
01:57:29.000 That was a great one.
01:57:30.000 That was Jim Rome's thing, right?
01:57:31.000 Piss people off?
01:57:32.000 Yeah, but it was like the show. 0.99
01:57:33.000 By the way, Jim Rome's fucking incredible. 0.99
01:57:34.000 Check that. 0.99
01:57:35.000 Chris Everett, good to have you on the show.
01:57:37.000 You know what?
01:57:37.000 You know, you've been calling me that for about the last five years.
01:57:40.000 About two years, actually, Chris.
01:57:42.000 Well, hey, you know what?
01:57:44.000 Let me say one thing.
01:57:44.000 In that game, how many sacks did I have that we came back and won?
01:57:47.000 How many sacks did you have?
01:57:48.000 Yeah, how many game?
01:57:49.000 How many sacks?
01:57:49.000 Let's see, but this was back in 1989. You may have even been Jim Everett back there, but somewhere along the way, Jim, you ceased being Jim and you became Chris.
01:57:56.000 Well, let me tell you a little secret.
01:57:58.000 That, you know, we're sitting here right now, and if you guys want to take a station break, you can.
01:58:03.000 But if you call me, Chris Everett, to my face one more time...
01:58:06.000 I already did it twice.
01:58:07.000 You better call one more time, we better take a station break.
01:58:09.000 Well, it's a five-minute segment, or five-segment show.
01:58:12.000 We've got a long way to go.
01:58:13.000 We do.
01:58:14.000 We've got a long way to go.
01:58:15.000 I'll get a couple segments out of here before.
01:58:16.000 Well, it's good to be here with you, though.
01:58:18.000 Well, it's good to see you, too.
01:58:19.000 You know, because you've been talking like this behind my back for a long time.
01:58:21.000 But now I said it right here.
01:58:23.000 Right, exactly.
01:58:23.000 Well, we've got no problems then.
01:58:24.000 Well, I think that you probably won't say it again.
01:58:27.000 I bet I do.
01:58:29.000 Chris? 0.99
01:58:32.000 You gotta respect the balls. 1.00
01:58:34.000 Nah, fuck that. 1.00
01:58:37.000 He's challenged to his face. 1.00
01:58:38.000 Jim Rome rules. 0.99
01:58:39.000 Jim Rome's fucking nice. 1.00
01:58:41.000 Jim Rome rules, but that's pussy shit. 1.00
01:58:44.000 He had to. 1.00
01:58:44.000 He had to say it again. 1.00
01:58:46.000 From who?
01:58:46.000 Jim?
01:58:47.000 Any fucking reporter talking shit on an athlete sucks, dude. 1.00
01:58:50.000 I don't think it's good, but I think it's... 1.00
01:58:53.000 Just straight up being like, you're a pussy now? 1.00
01:58:55.000 You've got to be able to say an athlete is weak. 1.00
01:58:58.000 Why?
01:58:59.000 He's not stepping up.
01:58:59.000 That's your job as a sports reporter.
01:59:01.000 I think they both did it right.
01:59:02.000 As a sports reporter?
01:59:03.000 Mel Gibson was right about you guys.
01:59:05.000 I think Norman's right.
01:59:06.000 Norman's right.
01:59:07.000 They both did it right.
01:59:07.000 Because he had to do something.
01:59:09.000 Everybody had to do something.
01:59:10.000 And he had to say it.
01:59:12.000 He said, you're not going to say it.
01:59:13.000 They were both.
01:59:14.000 And he didn't hurt him.
01:59:16.000 He didn't hurt him. 0.90
01:59:17.000 He could have killed him instantly.
01:59:19.000 What if he started raining punches down on him? 1.00
01:59:21.000 He would have crushed his skull like a grape. 0.98
01:59:22.000 Yeah. 0.72
01:59:23.000 He did do something. 0.99
01:59:24.000 I think Rome's fucked up by that. 0.99
01:59:26.000 I think Rome hates that. 0.99
01:59:27.000 I think Jim Rome hates that clip.
01:59:29.000 I'm sure he hates it.
01:59:30.000 I think Jim Rome's embarrassed about that.
01:59:32.000 I'm sure he hates it.
01:59:34.000 Well, that's on him. 0.95
01:59:34.000 It sucks when reporters... 0.95
01:59:35.000 That was back then. 0.95
01:59:36.000 Now reporters are very pro-player.
01:59:39.000 Yeah. 0.94
01:59:39.000 Back then, they used to be very shut up and dribble. 0.94
01:59:42.000 Oh, right. 0.97
01:59:43.000 All the time.
01:59:44.000 Stephen A. Smith will still go hard.
01:59:46.000 But that's his brand.
01:59:47.000 That's his brand. 0.99
01:59:48.000 But you have to be able to go like, the guy sucks, he's not going to step up in big moments. 0.98
01:59:51.000 You've got to be able to say that as a sports reporter. 1.00
01:59:53.000 Yeah, you've got to be able to say suck up. 1.00
01:59:54.000 That guy just says wild shit, though. 1.00
01:59:56.000 A lot of those guys, they have hot takes. 1.00
01:59:59.000 And that's how they stay active.
02:00:00.000 And it makes it fun.
02:00:01.000 It's fun.
02:00:02.000 That's a great clip.
02:00:03.000 I agree, it's fun.
02:00:03.000 I'm not saying that hot...
02:00:04.000 Even if you're like, fuck him! 1.00
02:00:05.000 Yeah, but it's not a hot take. 1.00
02:00:06.000 It'd be like going on and being like, this guy's a pussy. 1.00
02:00:08.000 Right, right, right. 1.00
02:00:09.000 That's fucking... 1.00
02:00:10.000 You're a reporter, dude. 1.00
02:00:11.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
02:00:12.000 I'm not saying it's right, but I like that he stuck with it. 0.99
02:00:15.000 So what does it say?
02:00:16.000 It says, Jim Rome says he regretted pushing Jim Everett's buttons.
02:00:21.000 What I learned from that is I didn't have to do it three times, Rome said in 2003. He said, in retrospect, I didn't know he was that angry.
02:00:31.000 Putting him on the show wasn't my idea.
02:00:33.000 Did we get this guy on a plane and fly him in so I could badger him and call him Chris and make it horrible for everybody?
02:00:39.000 No.
02:00:39.000 There was a good interview to be done, and it didn't get done.
02:00:43.000 Yep.
02:00:43.000 That's true.
02:00:44.000 Good point.
02:00:44.000 That's true.
02:00:45.000 He was like, I had to be a fucking man for no reason. 0.99
02:00:47.000 But he probably was never confronted. 1.00
02:00:49.000 You got it, Thaddeus.
02:00:50.000 Yeah, Bodega Cat's good.
02:00:51.000 Thank you.
02:00:51.000 By the way, Jim Rome, he's one of those guys that...
02:00:55.000 He's like Tim Dillon. 0.75
02:00:57.000 Like, just nasty.
02:00:59.000 Oh, just keeps going.
02:01:00.000 Like, sitting down by themselves, just like, I could listen to this all day.
02:01:03.000 Oh, good for him. 0.99
02:01:04.000 Jim Rohn's fucking nice. 0.98
02:01:05.000 That's a skill. 0.99
02:01:07.000 I've never listened.
02:01:08.000 It's funny.
02:01:09.000 He's funny.
02:01:10.000 Because I'm not like a sports guy? 0.99
02:01:11.000 Dude, he does this thing where he won't talk shit, but if somebody calls it, like, let's say, all right, Charlie Weiss, he was Notre Dame's coach, he was a fat guy. 0.99
02:01:19.000 Somebody would call in or text and be like, Charlie Weiss is fat. 0.99
02:01:23.000 He would be like, hey, we don't do that stuff here.
02:01:25.000 We don't call people fat.
02:01:28.000 I don't think that's funny. 1.00
02:01:29.000 I don't think it's funny to sit around and say, Charlie Weiss is a big fat ass. 0.99
02:01:33.000 That's pretty funny. 1.00
02:01:34.000 He does this thing.
02:01:35.000 Where if somebody else says it... 1.00
02:01:37.000 You fucking stupid watch! 1.00
02:01:38.000 If somebody else says it... 1.00
02:01:41.000 Sorry.
02:01:42.000 What is it?
02:01:43.000 What's the alarm?
02:01:44.000 It's Friday.
02:01:46.000 Every hour.
02:01:47.000 He has no idea how it works.
02:01:49.000 No idea.
02:01:50.000 It's hilarious.
02:01:50.000 It just keeps...
02:01:51.000 Keep going. 1.00
02:01:52.000 Dude, you're fucked up. 1.00
02:01:53.000 With a Timex. 1.00
02:01:55.000 Imagine, like, torturing yourself like that.
02:01:57.000 Putting something on every day.
02:01:58.000 Never know when it's going to be.
02:02:00.000 Never know when it's going to be.
02:02:02.000 It's a random.
02:02:02.000 It does it once a day.
02:02:03.000 He never figures out how to set the time.
02:02:05.000 I like the way it looks.
02:02:06.000 He keeps it on.
02:02:08.000 He never figures out how to set the time.
02:02:10.000 Yeah, I got the time in Russia.
02:02:13.000 What's wrong with you?
02:02:14.000 Well, I'll tell you that turkey's not feeling so great, by the way.
02:02:18.000 We got a turkey from the fridge after warnings not to.
02:02:21.000 Everybody was like, don't eat that.
02:02:23.000 Oh, man.
02:02:25.000 Maybe the whiskey would kill it.
02:02:26.000 Maybe that bodega can kill everything.
02:02:31.000 I'm gurgling. 0.99
02:02:32.000 Didn't, like, fucking people back in the day drink wine to aid in traveler sickness? 0.99
02:02:37.000 It was all medicinal booze back in the day. 0.98
02:02:40.000 I think back in the day, too, most of what people drank was beer.
02:02:44.000 Yeah, beer saved the world.
02:02:45.000 It's the only way to get liquids in them.
02:02:47.000 Right. 1.00
02:02:48.000 Because otherwise, people are drinking out of fucking ponds. 1.00
02:02:51.000 Pond water will fuck you. 1.00
02:02:52.000 They didn't know anything. 1.00
02:02:53.000 They just drank water back then.
02:02:54.000 They didn't have any understanding.
02:02:56.000 I'll be honest.
02:02:56.000 I think it might be a Bargassi joke, but I could have never invented a single thing.
02:03:02.000 Oh, yeah.
02:03:03.000 I would have never...
02:03:05.000 The Sun cited a 1995 study in Hawaii which researchers found that wine was more effective than Pepto-Bismol at combating colonies of E. coli, Salmonella, and Shigella bacteria.
02:03:19.000 Alright.
02:03:19.000 I don't trust any study from 1995 in Hawaii.
02:03:24.000 They were selling wine.
02:03:25.000 They eat spam.
02:03:26.000 Medicinal wine.
02:03:27.000 And poi.
02:03:28.000 What's wrong with this?
02:03:28.000 Oh, he's 48. I haven't peed once.
02:03:31.000 I'm 55. Yeah, well you're fucking doing judo. 1.00
02:03:36.000 He's just a Jew. 1.00
02:03:38.000 He's Judo.
02:03:41.000 There it was. 1.00
02:03:42.000 Dude, every once in a while, I'll be going through my fucking Instagram and I'll see that fucking... 0.99
02:03:47.000 You ever see his kick? 1.00
02:03:48.000 Ah, the kick is scary. 1.00
02:03:50.000 Holy shit. 1.00
02:03:51.000 What's wrong with you, dude? 1.00
02:03:52.000 Why are you kicking people like that? 0.99
02:03:53.000 He's kicking a bag.
02:03:54.000 I don't do it anymore.
02:03:55.000 I'm just kicking a bag now.
02:03:56.000 I always have.
02:03:58.000 Stop kicking things.
02:04:00.000 Well, your origin story is hearing a kick.
02:04:02.000 You heard a kick from the street or something, didn't you?
02:04:04.000 I went to Fenway Park to see a baseball game.
02:04:08.000 And on the way home, I stopped at this Taekwondo place because I had been taking karate and I was kind of interested in some other martial arts.
02:04:15.000 And we were waiting for the T, which is like the public transportation.
02:04:18.000 It's like a long-ass line after a baseball game.
02:04:20.000 Everybody's waiting to get on.
02:04:21.000 It takes forever.
02:04:22.000 So I said, let's go up the stairs and check out this place.
02:04:25.000 So as we're walking up the stairs to this Taekwondo place, I keep hearing... 0.95
02:04:29.000 And it was this dude, John Lee, kicking this heavy bag so fucking hard that it was flying. 0.74
02:04:38.000 And the cha-ching was the chains. 0.96
02:04:40.000 So it was his heel slamming into this leather heavy bag and sending it flying into the chains.
02:04:47.000 Yeah.
02:04:47.000 And so I walked up and I watched this guy train.
02:04:49.000 He was a national champion at the time and he was training for the World Cup.
02:04:52.000 So I caught him like in the peak of his form.
02:04:54.000 Wow.
02:04:54.000 Imagine that.
02:04:54.000 When I was 15 years old.
02:04:56.000 Imagine just a 3'8 Joe Rogan just sitting there watching you kick and you had no idea what he would become.
02:05:04.000 Monster.
02:05:04.000 Those kicks you throw are like genuinely scary.
02:05:07.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:05:08.000 Genuinely scary.
02:05:09.000 It was funny when we went out and you were like...
02:05:11.000 One of you was like, could we take Rogan?
02:05:14.000 This comes up every podcast.
02:05:16.000 I was like, no. 0.87
02:05:16.000 This is silly. 0.87
02:05:17.000 The kicks. 0.97
02:05:18.000 He kicks so hard that if you see it, you'd be like, nah, I'm out.
02:05:21.000 We'd like to see it later.
02:05:23.000 I'll show you. 0.95
02:05:23.000 Kick Tony. 0.95
02:05:24.000 Sometimes when I get high, in particular, when I get high, I don't believe I really can do it. 0.55
02:05:30.000 When I get high, I don't believe it's this hidden thing that I can do.
02:05:34.000 When I get high, I pretend that I can't do it.
02:05:37.000 The greatest was seeing GSB go, wait, show me that?
02:05:46.000 That conversation came about because of John Donaher.
02:05:49.000 John Donaher was like the biggest wizard in all of jiu-jitsu.
02:05:52.000 He's like the master splinter of jiu-jitsu.
02:05:54.000 He's like the best coach.
02:05:55.000 Literally widely regarded as one of the greatest coaches in jiu-jitsu history, if not the best.
02:06:01.000 He comes up to me when I was working for the UFC, and he was there with George St. Pierre.
02:06:08.000 Maybe he wasn't there at that time with George St. Pierre, but he trains with him.
02:06:10.000 And he was saying to me, he goes, George needs help with his spinning back kick.
02:06:15.000 Do you know anyone that can help him?
02:06:16.000 I said, this is going to sound crazy.
02:06:18.000 I go, but I have a really good spinning back. 0.84
02:06:22.000 I know that's ridiculous.
02:06:23.000 You must have thought the goal for me to say this. 0.97
02:06:25.000 It's so much goal. 0.99
02:06:26.000 But I said, just get me in front of a heavy bag and I'll fucking change your mind. 1.00
02:06:30.000 Really? 0.99
02:06:30.000 I'll freak you out. 0.99
02:06:31.000 Yeah.
02:06:32.000 And so I did that with George.
02:06:34.000 I got him in front of a heavy bag.
02:06:36.000 And it was kind of difficult situation too because we were just done training jujitsu and the ground was super wet with sweat because everybody had been training and it was like really greasy and it was also like a lot of humidity in the air for everybody. 0.97
02:06:49.000 When people train jujitsu like the fucking walls get greasy. 0.91
02:06:52.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99
02:06:53.000 Because everybody's just sweating all the time.
02:06:54.000 So it was slippery. 1.00
02:06:56.000 So I was like, fuck. 0.99
02:06:56.000 So I had to use a towel and try to dry off the floor. 0.99
02:06:59.000 I wanted a real solid, dry floor so I could plow that fucking thing. 1.00
02:07:04.000 So I felt I could kick it even harder if I had a good grip on the floor. 0.99
02:07:09.000 But that was always my specialty.
02:07:12.000 When I was a Taekwondo guy. 1.00
02:07:14.000 So when I said it to him, I was like, it's such a stupid thing to do if you're a fucking comedian and a commentator. 0.99
02:07:23.000 And you're saying, hey, who's the best coach to show you a spinning back kick? 0.99
02:07:27.000 And I'm like, actually.
02:07:28.000 Actually, I can do it.
02:07:29.000 It might be me.
02:07:30.000 Well, that is wild.
02:07:31.000 And GSP is a lot of pressure.
02:07:33.000 Did I talk about those last time?
02:07:36.000 GSP's like super duper humble though.
02:07:37.000 He's the nicest.
02:07:39.000 He's so easy to talk to.
02:07:40.000 Did I talk about this?
02:07:40.000 He did?
02:07:41.000 He did the bonfire when I was on it. 1.00
02:07:44.000 And GSP came in and I thought it'd be funny to be like, yo, I'll fuck you up. 0.99
02:07:47.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:07:48.000 And he was like, haha, okay.
02:07:50.000 My friend.
02:07:52.000 But there was still a hint of, like, why is this boy saying this?
02:07:57.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:07:58.000 GSP. Who's this giant boy talking to me?
02:08:02.000 He's one of the best examples of a fighter becoming a non-fighter.
02:08:07.000 Yes.
02:08:08.000 Staying an athlete, staying smart, always testing his mind.
02:08:11.000 Great wisdom.
02:08:12.000 He's got the best off-stage advice. 1.00
02:08:16.000 His shit is philosophical. 1.00
02:08:18.000 You know? 1.00
02:08:19.000 You hear...
02:08:20.000 Nate Diaz is hilarious and fun to watch.
02:08:22.000 Nate Diaz is philosophical.
02:08:24.000 Is he?
02:08:25.000 People sleep on that.
02:08:26.000 I mean, I'm a fan, but you listen to GSP and you're like, oh, this guy's thoughtful.
02:08:30.000 Listen, you can't fight that hard unless you have some kind of philosophy.
02:08:35.000 Some mental.
02:08:36.000 There's got to be some ethics and morals of life that he lives his life by.
02:08:39.000 Ah, whatever.
02:08:40.000 I'm not going to.
02:08:41.000 People hear Nate and think, oh, it's just funny.
02:08:44.000 No, whatever.
02:08:45.000 Which way are we going to go?
02:08:47.000 No, I mean, people hear it.
02:08:48.000 I like Nate.
02:08:49.000 He's an amazing watch.
02:08:51.000 You stop yourself there.
02:08:53.000 What were you doing?
02:08:53.000 Well, because when I started, like, loving Nate Diaz, I was like, oh, this guy's just funny.
02:08:59.000 Yeah.
02:08:59.000 This rules, this is funny.
02:09:01.000 And then, like, you slowly realize, like, oh, this is actually, like, a deep philosophy of, like, fuck that, he's a bitch, fuck him. 1.00
02:09:10.000 Like, that's... 1.00
02:09:12.000 Don't get fooled by the verbiage.
02:09:14.000 It is like a deep...
02:09:16.000 That's crazy, dude.
02:09:17.000 What he said about McGregor, where he's like, if this was a war, you'd be dead.
02:09:22.000 That's the best. 0.99
02:09:22.000 If no one's stopping this, you know in two different moments, I would have just killed you. 0.99
02:09:26.000 He's like, I would have taken your family. 0.99
02:09:29.000 Congrats, there's a bell.
02:09:30.000 It's almost like when a kid says something brilliant.
02:09:32.000 You're like, oh yeah, that's so poignant.
02:09:34.000 Nate's scariest. 0.98
02:09:36.000 Nate's scariest shit talk was that first Conor fight when Conor was predicting, he was Mystic Mac, he was predicting his fight. 0.99
02:09:42.000 He's like, yeah, I'd probably knock him out in the first round. 0.99
02:09:44.000 He's like, he better get that knockout.
02:09:47.000 And it was just like, yo.
02:09:49.000 Dude, I was the first person to sound the alarm for everybody at the UFC. A couple straights.
02:09:54.000 I was like, hey, hey, hey, before this even got, I go, dude, that guy can win.
02:09:58.000 This is not a layup.
02:09:59.000 I go, Nate Diaz is a terrible matchup.
02:10:01.000 He's a big guy for 155. He's fucking big. 0.99
02:10:05.000 He's got a shitload of experience. 1.00
02:10:06.000 He's super hard to get out of there.
02:10:08.000 He's the most durable guy maybe ever.
02:10:11.000 You can't get him down.
02:10:12.000 He takes so many hits.
02:10:13.000 He's like Jorge stopped him with cuts and then at one time Josh Thompson stopped him with a head kick.
02:10:20.000 It was a perfect head kick. 0.98
02:10:22.000 20 years ago?
02:10:23.000 That was 15 years ago.
02:10:27.000 He's crazy durable.
02:10:29.000 That Leon Edwards, there's one moment...
02:10:32.000 He had that!
02:10:33.000 You know what?
02:10:34.000 I thought that too. 0.98
02:10:36.000 I thought he fucking stunned him and pointed at him. 0.91
02:10:39.000 But I think that point... 0.96
02:10:41.000 He'd been doing that all fight was like...
02:10:43.000 No, no, he knew he rocked him.
02:10:45.000 No, I watched it again yesterday.
02:10:46.000 But then he rushed.
02:10:47.000 He did try for the...
02:10:48.000 He did rush for the finish.
02:10:50.000 He was the final...
02:10:51.000 He was going for it.
02:10:52.000 They were exhausted.
02:10:53.000 It was the end of the fifth round.
02:10:55.000 Yes.
02:10:55.000 Okay, you have to take that into consideration.
02:10:57.000 Also, you have to take into consideration how fucking good Leon Edwards is. 0.98
02:11:00.000 He's amazing. 0.98
02:11:01.000 He's got great D. Don't get me going, dude.
02:11:03.000 He's so technical.
02:11:04.000 I hate to fight that guy in a war.
02:11:06.000 Oh my god.
02:11:07.000 Look at the face.
02:11:08.000 Yeah, he's eventually gonna get you and he doesn't care if he's cut open and bleeding.
02:11:12.000 It literally doesn't bother him at all.
02:11:13.000 No, he's tough as nails.
02:11:14.000 And then here comes just a...
02:11:16.000 So he clips him and then when he clips him, he hurts him.
02:11:20.000 It's really much more towards like the end of the round.
02:11:23.000 Fifth round, a man left.
02:11:24.000 It's actually right here.
02:11:25.000 It's right here.
02:11:26.000 Right here. 0.98
02:11:28.000 Oh, he's bloody. 0.76
02:11:29.000 Oh, there it is. 0.89
02:11:30.000 Exactly.
02:11:31.000 There it is.
02:11:32.000 Oh, my goodness.
02:11:33.000 Now he starts going for it.
02:11:34.000 He's wonky.
02:11:35.000 Gives him the middle finger.
02:11:36.000 Now it's time.
02:11:37.000 But Leon moved away.
02:11:39.000 He let him come back.
02:11:40.000 But I'm telling you, he didn't have a choice.
02:11:43.000 He was chasing him.
02:11:43.000 Why?
02:11:44.000 Because Leon is still mobile, and you can't just rush in.
02:11:48.000 If you rush in, you get countered.
02:11:50.000 You don't think Nate Diaz looks back and goes, ah, if I rush it without him.
02:11:53.000 No chance.
02:11:54.000 No, no, no.
02:11:54.000 No chance.
02:11:55.000 He fought the right way.
02:11:56.000 The thing is, if you just rush in, you get KO'd.
02:12:00.000 It happens all the time.
02:12:01.000 I see.
02:12:02.000 Pat Barry versus Czech Congo. 0.93
02:12:04.000 One of the best examples of this ever.
02:12:06.000 Play that.
02:12:07.000 Play that.
02:12:08.000 Because the round just ends.
02:12:09.000 We've got 20 seconds to go.
02:12:11.000 It's the best, dude.
02:12:11.000 It's the best.
02:12:12.000 But after that, Pat Barry and Cech Kong go. 0.88
02:12:14.000 Because I want to show you something.
02:12:15.000 Because it's one of the greatest examples of someone who opens up too much trying to finish someone and gets knocked out.
02:12:20.000 Look at the elbow there.
02:12:22.000 Justin Bieber going nuts.
02:12:25.000 Alright, we've got seven seconds.
02:12:29.000 Oh, God.
02:12:29.000 Now it's over.
02:12:30.000 Now it's over.
02:12:31.000 Okay, okay.
02:12:32.000 Man.
02:12:33.000 How did he lose that?
02:12:35.000 He lost because he lost most of the rounds.
02:12:37.000 I see.
02:12:38.000 Because Leon is now the welterweight champion of the world.
02:12:40.000 He's like super good.
02:12:41.000 But if you watch Czech Congo versus Pat Berry.
02:12:44.000 I'm a fan.
02:12:45.000 So Pat Berry rocks Czech Congo and has him really badly hurt. 0.98
02:12:49.000 It looks like he's minutes away from getting stopped.
02:12:50.000 I mean, seconds away.
02:12:51.000 He falls down.
02:12:52.000 He's all out of it.
02:12:54.000 And Pat's trying to finish him off.
02:12:55.000 And he opens up.
02:12:56.000 And when he opens up, he gets clipped.
02:12:58.000 So he drops him.
02:12:59.000 Watch this.
02:12:59.000 Because it's one of the greatest comebacks ever.
02:13:01.000 I mean, he's getting fucking rocked. 0.98
02:13:03.000 He's knocked out. 0.99
02:13:04.000 Look, Pat Barry's going off, right?
02:13:06.000 Oh my god.
02:13:06.000 Smart.
02:13:07.000 Should have been stopped.
02:13:08.000 And look, he hits him again, drops him again.
02:13:10.000 Should have been stopped.
02:13:11.000 So this fight's gone, right?
02:13:14.000 You think so, right?
02:13:15.000 I know.
02:13:15.000 So Pat Barry's still swinging.
02:13:17.000 But Chet Congo survives, and Pat Barry rushes in and gets clipped. 0.97
02:13:20.000 Oh, that's what's great about the sport.
02:13:23.000 Crazy.
02:13:24.000 But imagine that.
02:13:25.000 So that is what could have happened to Nate if he just went right after Leon Edwards.
02:13:31.000 That's why you have to fight technically.
02:13:33.000 Good point.
02:13:34.000 So what Nate did was the right thing to do.
02:13:36.000 He looked for the opportunities to finish.
02:13:38.000 He tried to finish.
02:13:39.000 He also took a second to be like, while he was pointing, he wasn't sure if Leon was out.
02:13:45.000 Right. 0.99
02:13:46.000 No, he's still fucking with him. 0.98
02:13:47.000 He was still like, the whole fight, you gotta watch the whole fight because the whole time he's like... 1.00
02:13:51.000 Talking shit to him always. 1.00
02:13:52.000 Dude, fucking with this dude. 1.00
02:13:54.000 Yeah, he checked one of his kicks once and pointed to his shin. 1.00
02:13:56.000 Must have been insane.
02:13:57.000 It's like, oh, that had to hurt.
02:13:58.000 Yeah.
02:13:59.000 You called it.
02:14:00.000 I texted you about it.
02:14:01.000 It was the funniest.
02:14:02.000 I watched the fight this week. 1.00
02:14:04.000 He called it a fucking... 1.00
02:14:05.000 It's a horror movie, dude. 1.00
02:14:07.000 It is a horror movie.
02:14:09.000 Oh, the rock old blood moment?
02:14:10.000 No, but just...
02:14:11.000 It's just Nate Diaz isn't going anywhere.
02:14:13.000 Oh, yeah.
02:14:14.000 You're Leon Edwards. 0.93
02:14:15.000 You're a freak kickboxer. 1.00
02:14:17.000 You're nasty. 1.00
02:14:18.000 And then here's this dude that's not leaving. 0.99
02:14:20.000 Listen to this.
02:14:20.000 And every time you hit him...
02:14:22.000 That's good.
02:14:22.000 Occasionally you hit him and he goes...
02:14:24.000 You got me on that one.
02:14:25.000 People need to understand.
02:14:26.000 It's more scary.
02:14:28.000 It's so scary.
02:14:29.000 He likes it.
02:14:29.000 He's like Mike Myers.
02:14:30.000 He just keeps coming.
02:14:31.000 Yeah, he just keeps walking.
02:14:32.000 He's fighting Hamza Chemaev, right?
02:14:34.000 But it's a main event, correct?
02:14:36.000 Yeah.
02:14:36.000 So if it's the main event, that means it's five rounds.
02:14:38.000 It is.
02:14:39.000 If it's five rounds, that's...
02:14:41.000 That's Nate's works.
02:14:41.000 Nate, he has the fourth and fifth round.
02:14:43.000 The fifth round, that motherfucker doesn't get tired. 0.99
02:14:45.000 It's funny, he gasses in the third? 1.00
02:14:47.000 He's like, oh, that was a rest period.
02:14:49.000 I'm back for four and five.
02:14:50.000 But he never gasses.
02:14:50.000 Hazmat's going to get him on the ground.
02:14:52.000 That's my prediction.
02:14:53.000 Nate's pretty good on the ground, dude.
02:14:55.000 He's pretty good, but this guy's unreal on the ground.
02:14:58.000 Leon Edwards out-grappled Nate in their fight, I have to say.
02:15:01.000 Leon did out-grapple Nate in that fight, but that's just because Nate was probably looking to strike, and he got surprised by Leon, who's really predominantly known as a striker, although he's very well-rounded, obviously.
02:15:14.000 He's predominantly known as a striker, and Nate probably didn't think that that would ever be his strategy, to go to the ground with him.
02:15:19.000 But also you gotta realize that Nate has fought at 155. He fought Connor at 155. That's where he was like maybe at his optimal frame.
02:15:28.000 These guys, Hamza fought at 185. That's a big guy.
02:15:32.000 He knocked out Gerald Murchardt with one punch at 185. See if you can find that.
02:15:38.000 Because this is how fucking good this guy is. 0.99
02:15:40.000 Hamzat's good. 0.99
02:15:42.000 Dangerous.
02:15:42.000 He's dangerous.
02:15:44.000 But, Nate Diaz is the most durable motherfucker that's ever lived. 0.98
02:15:47.000 That's why it's a recipe for a wild fight. 0.97
02:15:50.000 Because, like, watch this fight.
02:15:51.000 This is how good Hamzat is. 0.82
02:15:53.000 He's scary good.
02:15:54.000 And by the way, he's known as a grappler.
02:15:56.000 Like, he's not even known as being a striker. 0.99
02:15:58.000 But if he can do shit like this, that was it. 0.99
02:16:00.000 It wouldn't play. 0.99
02:16:01.000 It wouldn't play.
02:16:02.000 Oh, here it goes.
02:16:02.000 Watch this.
02:16:03.000 Who's this honky?
02:16:04.000 And by the way, he fights mostly at 170. This is at 185, right?
02:16:07.000 So he's not that lean, because he didn't have to cut weight.
02:16:10.000 Looks like little Jim Duggan.
02:16:11.000 Look at this.
02:16:12.000 Watch this.
02:16:13.000 Is this COVID years?
02:16:14.000 Oh, yeah.
02:16:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
02:16:15.000 Watch this shit. 1.00
02:16:17.000 Oh, that guy knew it was coming, too. 1.00
02:16:19.000 You could see it in his eyes.
02:16:20.000 Oh, my God. 1.00
02:16:22.000 Dangerous motherfucker. 1.00
02:16:22.000 It wasn't even a counter, was it? 1.00
02:16:24.000 He's dangerous.
02:16:24.000 No, it was one straight right hand.
02:16:26.000 Terrified.
02:16:26.000 He just closed him off.
02:16:27.000 His first, like, three fights, he hadn't been hit.
02:16:30.000 He'd been hit twice.
02:16:31.000 Yeah.
02:16:31.000 He didn't even swing.
02:16:33.000 He didn't swing!
02:16:34.000 Well, he just caught him clean.
02:16:35.000 He was avoiding it like I avoid homeless people.
02:16:37.000 Just wave and then make a move.
02:16:39.000 He was trying to find his...
02:16:41.000 Easy.
02:16:43.000 Merchardt's very good.
02:16:44.000 Merchardt just knocked out Bruno Silva.
02:16:46.000 He's really good.
02:16:47.000 For that guy to knock that guy out...
02:16:49.000 Yeah.
02:16:49.000 That's a big deal.
02:16:50.000 That's why it's the best sport, though, because, like, I'm not a big football guy, not a big basketball guy, but I love this because you get to know the guy. 0.99
02:16:56.000 Like, that Hamzak guy is a fucking psycho weirdo. 1.00
02:16:58.000 He probably had a crazy childhood. 1.00
02:17:00.000 You see Khabib wrestling a bear.
02:17:01.000 Oh, he had a crazy childhood.
02:17:02.000 Yeah, you're like, that's...
02:17:03.000 He's from Chechnya, bro.
02:17:04.000 That's what's fun about him.
02:17:04.000 Those are hard-ass people.
02:17:06.000 Ah, Nate, bro.
02:17:07.000 Las Vegas, kids.
02:17:09.000 Nate, such a personality. 0.99
02:17:09.000 I knew I was going to get drunk and gay for Nate. 0.99
02:17:11.000 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 0.99
02:17:12.000 Is that...
02:17:13.000 Is that...
02:17:14.000 Skankfest weekend?
02:17:15.000 No.
02:17:16.000 No.
02:17:16.000 You wish.
02:17:17.000 A month after.
02:17:18.000 A month before.
02:17:19.000 This is next weekend. 1.00
02:17:21.000 Damn. 0.99
02:17:21.000 Skankfest is October in Vegas. 0.99
02:17:22.000 Check it out.
02:17:23.000 Next weekend, kids.
02:17:24.000 That is Shroomfest. 0.99
02:17:26.000 What are you guys doing next weekend?
02:17:27.000 Oh, Ferguson.
02:17:28.000 I think I'm with you.
02:17:29.000 You going to fights? 1.00
02:17:30.000 I'm going to this fucking thing. 1.00
02:17:32.000 I thought we were going to this. 0.99
02:17:33.000 I'm with Bert.
02:17:34.000 We're going to this.
02:17:34.000 We talked about it.
02:17:35.000 I'm doing the fully loaded makeup date.
02:17:37.000 Yeah.
02:17:37.000 Oh, what happened?
02:17:38.000 No, that's this weekend.
02:17:39.000 The date got canceled?
02:17:40.000 Is that this weekend?
02:17:40.000 Yeah, this weekend.
02:17:41.000 This weekend I'm going to Notre Dame, Ohio State. 1.00
02:17:44.000 Fuck you, Jamie. 1.00
02:17:44.000 It's next weekend. 1.00
02:17:45.000 What's up, bro?
02:17:46.000 This weekend you do that?
02:17:47.000 Next weekend is the fights.
02:17:48.000 Oh, well, hold on.
02:17:49.000 Let me check.
02:17:50.000 9th and 10th.
02:17:51.000 9th is the weigh-in.
02:17:53.000 10th is the... 0.98
02:17:54.000 I think I'm at a dumb club. 0.98
02:17:56.000 Ah, you hate to hear Richmond funny bone. 0.99
02:18:00.000 Ooh.
02:18:00.000 Man, that hurts.
02:18:02.000 I'm going to be getting knocked out.
02:18:03.000 That's not even like a braggy one.
02:18:05.000 You know it's funny?
02:18:05.000 Yeah.
02:18:06.000 I texted you as soon as this came out.
02:18:09.000 If you guys ever want to come to any of them.
02:18:11.000 We should all get one before we schedule stuff.
02:18:14.000 How far out is the UFC schedule?
02:18:15.000 Three, four events.
02:18:17.000 Can I tell you one of my favorite experiences at UFC? It's when randomly we didn't get the good seats.
02:18:21.000 Wait a minute, let me just say this.
02:18:22.000 We always get the good seats.
02:18:23.000 Say it?
02:18:24.000 Okay.
02:18:25.000 We're way up there.
02:18:27.000 Diaz brought acid.
02:18:28.000 And we're like, let's all do acid.
02:18:29.000 Oh yes!
02:18:30.000 Joey.
02:18:31.000 Joey Diaz.
02:18:32.000 The third Diaz brother.
02:18:34.000 The honorary Diaz brother.
02:18:35.000 We're up there, and we're like, I think Joey's calling you, and you know we're on acid.
02:18:40.000 You're like a little jealous, but also like, oh, I'm going to make some money here. 0.99
02:18:45.000 Yeah, because I would bring them to the shows, they would party, and I'd be like, fuck, I wish I could party. 0.97
02:18:49.000 That was the first time I met Nate. 0.97
02:18:51.000 Me and him did a show in Brea or Irvine.
02:18:56.000 Yeah, Irvine. 0.98
02:18:57.000 And then I was like, oh shit, I can go chill with Nate and his bros. 1.00
02:19:03.000 And he was like, fuck, I gotta do a fucking interview. 1.00
02:19:08.000 I can't go out tonight. 1.00
02:19:10.000 I couldn't go out that night.
02:19:11.000 Because if I went out until like 4 o'clock in the morning, I'd look like hell warmed over.
02:19:16.000 And then we got breakfast the next morning and Joe was like, what was it like?
02:19:20.000 How was it?
02:19:21.000 It was the best night of my life.
02:19:24.000 Wow, is that Turtle from Entourage?
02:19:26.000 Who's that guy on the left?
02:19:28.000 It would have been fun.
02:19:29.000 I love Nate.
02:19:30.000 I love Nate.
02:19:30.000 I want to have him on the podcast.
02:19:32.000 Let's go to the after party.
02:19:33.000 Let's go to the after party.
02:19:35.000 After party.
02:19:35.000 Why not?
02:19:36.000 Let's go.
02:19:36.000 Bring Cormier.
02:19:38.000 Can we?
02:19:38.000 Will you go?
02:19:39.000 I will go.
02:19:40.000 Oh, we're in.
02:19:41.000 Okay, we're in.
02:19:42.000 All right.
02:19:42.000 I will go.
02:19:43.000 Very exciting.
02:19:44.000 So we're all up there.
02:19:45.000 We're flipping out.
02:19:46.000 And then Joey's like, hey, talking to Rogan.
02:19:48.000 And he's like, where are you guys?
02:19:49.000 And we see him way down like a dot.
02:19:50.000 He's like, we're up in this section.
02:19:51.000 And he just looks around.
02:19:52.000 And then he finally sees us.
02:19:53.000 And Joe just starts jumping up and down.
02:19:55.000 I'm like, yeah!
02:19:56.000 I see you guys! 1.00
02:19:59.000 And it goes back to calling fucking death matches. 0.99
02:20:02.000 Oh my god. 0.99
02:20:03.000 I haven't gone to see one live without being working, without being a commentator for 20 years.
02:20:09.000 I went to the one in Austin. 0.98
02:20:10.000 I had the fucking best time. 0.99
02:20:12.000 Went on a double date with Hinchcliffe and his girl and my wife. 0.99
02:20:14.000 We had the fucking best time, man. 0.97
02:20:16.000 I invited a bunch of friends. 0.99
02:20:18.000 We all sat down.
02:20:18.000 Brigham was there.
02:20:20.000 What did I see?
02:20:21.000 Booth?
02:20:21.000 Where did you sit?
02:20:22.000 It was right there on the fucking floor, right in front of the cage. 1.00
02:20:25.000 Right in front of the cage. 1.00
02:20:26.000 It was amazing.
02:20:27.000 So much fun. 1.00
02:20:28.000 You've seen the reaction videos of you and shit. 0.99
02:20:30.000 Those are so great. 1.00
02:20:31.000 Yeah.
02:20:32.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:20:33.000 When Leon knocked out Kamara, it was just like...
02:20:37.000 Pull it up! 0.91
02:20:37.000 It's like you can't believe it's real. 0.91
02:20:40.000 That's the thing that that sport gives you, what Lorenzo Fertitta called, oh shit moments. 0.99
02:20:46.000 Every UFC card has an oh shit moment, and that's why this sport is so fucking exciting. 0.99
02:20:52.000 You don't see other sports where the commentator is also a fan. 0.99
02:20:57.000 It's like you're looking at a monster coming at you.
02:20:59.000 And because I love DC so much, when he freaks out about a fight and I freak out about a fight, we lock eyes together. 0.98
02:21:06.000 It's like, what the fuck did we just see, bro? 0.96
02:21:09.000 That's beautiful. 0.98
02:21:10.000 Watch this when it turns. 1.00
02:21:12.000 Watch when we look at each other like, what the fuck? 0.99
02:21:14.000 We lock eyes to eyes. 1.00
02:21:15.000 We're like, what the fuck did we just see, bro? 0.99
02:21:18.000 What the fuck did we just see? 0.99
02:21:21.000 He's a two-division world champion! 0.99
02:21:23.000 And it even affects him!
02:21:25.000 That's how primal this sport...
02:21:26.000 Watch this moment.
02:21:27.000 Watch this moment.
02:21:28.000 Watch this.
02:21:29.000 But watch when we look at each other. 1.00
02:21:31.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00
02:21:32.000 Watch this. 1.00
02:21:33.000 What the fuck did we just see? 0.99
02:21:35.000 It's like, what the fuck did we just see? 1.00
02:21:37.000 What the fuck did we just see? 0.99
02:21:41.000 Nice job, J-Bo! 0.99
02:21:43.000 Nailed it!
02:21:44.000 Those moments, and you gotta realize that for that guy, that guy's a...
02:21:47.000 He's a two-division world champion, and me, I've seen like a thousand fights!
02:21:52.000 Even the women care! 1.00
02:21:54.000 Everybody cares.
02:21:55.000 Everybody's freaked the fuck out.
02:21:56.000 Look at Tony!
02:21:58.000 Yo, how nice is that video of Leon's trainers talking to him?
02:22:01.000 Oh, it's amazing.
02:22:02.000 Like, come on, boy!
02:22:03.000 Yeah, it's amazing. 1.00
02:22:04.000 You gotta pull this out of the fucking fire! 0.99
02:22:05.000 And they call him Rocky. 0.99
02:22:06.000 There's one that's done to the Rocky soundtrack.
02:22:08.000 Yeah, that's the best one.
02:22:09.000 Because that's his nickname.
02:22:11.000 His nickname's Rocky.
02:22:12.000 He's talking, come on, Rocky!
02:22:13.000 Put yourself up!
02:22:14.000 You gotta make it ugly, Rocky.
02:22:16.000 Stop feeling bad for yourself.
02:22:18.000 Bro, and he lands the greatest head kick in the history of combat sports.
02:22:22.000 The most consequences.
02:22:23.000 That was the most consequences.
02:22:25.000 A down in a fight with the world champion.
02:22:27.000 Can we see the kick?
02:22:28.000 Don't get me going.
02:22:29.000 What are you doing?
02:22:31.000 He's got ice on his head.
02:22:32.000 It's one on one.
02:22:32.000 Come on.
02:22:33.000 Come on, Leon.
02:22:36.000 Where's he from?
02:22:37.000 England.
02:22:38.000 Come on.
02:22:38.000 Don't make him bully you, Leon.
02:22:40.000 Don't let him bully you, Leon.
02:22:42.000 Don't let him bully you, son.
02:22:50.000 Wow.
02:22:53.000 Wow. 1.00
02:22:57.000 Goddamn. 1.00
02:22:58.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:22:58.000 Do you see what happens? 0.99
02:22:59.000 Yeah, I've seen the fight.
02:23:01.000 I haven't seen this.
02:23:02.000 That's a corner man right there. 1.00
02:23:03.000 That's a fucking corner man right there. 1.00
02:23:05.000 That's what you need. 1.00
02:23:08.000 Stop feeling sorry.
02:23:11.000 Come on then! 1.00
02:23:13.000 You gotta pull this shit out of the fire. 1.00
02:23:18.000 This is incredible. 1.00
02:23:20.000 Unreal. 0.99
02:23:24.000 Damn, that's... 1.00
02:23:25.000 Holy shit. 1.00
02:23:28.000 That goes a long way. 1.00
02:23:31.000 Especially when...
02:23:36.000 There's a relationship like some fighters have with their trainers.
02:23:42.000 It's very special.
02:23:43.000 If your coach is screaming at you in the corner like that and you go out there and do it.
02:23:49.000 It's like a parent.
02:23:50.000 It lines it up.
02:23:51.000 See, I have a theory that fighters, we're kind of like fighters, but with cities.
02:23:55.000 You know, like, I need a corner man in Syracuse.
02:23:58.000 When I'm bobbing, I need a guy being like, the funny bone, you got this, don't feel sorry for yourself.
02:24:03.000 Yeah, their arms are crossed, they're looking at their phones.
02:24:08.000 We gotta go out there!
02:24:09.000 Round one knockout, like, hey, how's everyone doing?
02:24:13.000 It's not going well, mate!
02:24:14.000 They hate me!
02:24:15.000 They hate me out there!
02:24:15.000 You gotta do some crowd work!
02:24:17.000 Go dirtier! 1.00
02:24:19.000 Say fuck more! 1.00
02:24:20.000 We're firemen! 1.00
02:24:21.000 The concentration's weaving a little bit.
02:24:23.000 Teddy Atlas, bro. 1.00
02:24:25.000 Fucking man. 1.00
02:24:30.000 30 seconds. 1.00
02:24:32.000 The fire's coming!
02:24:37.000 We are firemen!
02:24:39.000 The heat doesn't bother us!
02:24:41.000 We live in the heat!
02:24:42.000 We train in the heat!
02:24:44.000 It tells us that we're ready.
02:24:45.000 We're at home.
02:24:46.000 We're where we're supposed to be.
02:24:48.000 Flames don't intimidate us.
02:24:50.000 What do we do?
02:24:51.000 We control the flames.
02:24:52.000 We control the flames.
02:24:53.000 We move the flames where we want to.
02:24:56.000 And then we extinguish it.
02:24:57.000 That guy goes and gets knocked out.
02:24:59.000 That's Sandy Bradley.
02:25:01.000 One punch.
02:25:03.000 Dude, you know what?
02:25:04.000 Greg Jackson used to always ask me about, like, what do you do?
02:25:06.000 And, like, if the comedy's not going well or if something happens, like, how do you, like, change?
02:25:10.000 I'm like, why do you keep asking me these questions?
02:25:12.000 Because he's interested in psychology.
02:25:14.000 Yeah, he goes, he goes, all art forms have unique, like, things that are true to all art forms.
02:25:18.000 And he goes, if I can understand what comedians have to go through, I can apply that to fighting.
02:25:22.000 That's why Miyamoto Musashi would study calligraphy and poetry. 0.99
02:25:26.000 Damn. 0.97
02:25:26.000 Yeah, that was his idea, that you could see the way in everything. 0.97
02:25:29.000 It would help him, greatest sword fighter that ever lived.
02:25:33.000 Really?
02:25:34.000 Killed 60 people in one-on-one combat.
02:25:37.000 I have a gun.
02:25:37.000 What?
02:25:37.000 Never heard of this guy.
02:25:39.000 I would use a gun. 0.91
02:25:39.000 Yeah. 0.91
02:25:41.000 That would be better than a sword.
02:25:42.000 The greatest sword fighter of all time, I would go, bang.
02:25:45.000 From a distance.
02:25:47.000 I'd be like, I haven't trained once.
02:25:51.000 Do you know that that was supposedly impromptu?
02:25:54.000 You're better than me.
02:25:54.000 The pen is mightier.
02:25:55.000 You know supposedly that was impromptu?
02:25:56.000 That scene?
02:25:57.000 Really?
02:25:57.000 That when he pulled a gun out and shot him, that that was like an ad-lib?
02:26:00.000 No.
02:26:00.000 Oh, really?
02:26:01.000 Great scene.
02:26:01.000 Make fun if that's true, because someone told me that.
02:26:03.000 Good improv.
02:26:04.000 Hilarious improv.
02:26:04.000 Yeah, hilarious improv.
02:26:05.000 That was a great way to handle something like that.
02:26:08.000 I heard that it was supposed to be some sort of crazy choreographed thing where the guy swings a sword and he misses, but then, you know, he just tried it.
02:26:15.000 And just walked away.
02:26:16.000 And it worked. 1.00
02:26:16.000 Harrison Ford's like, bang, I'll just shoot this dude. 1.00
02:26:18.000 How about that Anne Heche? 0.99
02:26:20.000 Tunisia.
02:26:22.000 I want to go to Tunisia.
02:26:24.000 No, you don't.
02:26:25.000 You know what the capital is to worry about that vaccine?
02:26:27.000 I have to listen to the interview to listen to this.
02:26:28.000 No, you don't.
02:26:35.000 We were supposed to shoot this huge fight between the whip and the sword.
02:26:40.000 It took the whole morning just to shoot three storyboards.
02:26:43.000 At lunch, Marshall went to talk to director Spielberg to explain the production was taking longer than anticipated.
02:26:48.000 The brief meeting turned out to be impetus for Hollywood history.
02:26:51.000 Ford was not feeling well, and talk emerged to nix the big fight in lieu of something a bit quicker.
02:26:57.000 Okay, so no one will say who said what, and then somehow somebody said, I've got this gun, why don't I just use it?
02:27:04.000 And so the guy, whoever the instigator, the idea got the ball rolling.
02:27:09.000 After lunch, we did three shots, and we were two days ahead of schedule, and it's the biggest moment in the movie.
02:27:15.000 There you go.
02:27:15.000 Yeah, sometimes it's better.
02:27:17.000 Sometimes it's a funny punchline to just pull out a gun and say, get that fucking stupid sword out of my face. 1.00
02:27:21.000 That's how dumb movies are. 1.00
02:27:22.000 You can just fucking impress something and do better. 1.00
02:27:23.000 Well, it's like a bit. 0.99
02:27:24.000 You ever write like a bit for six months and it's getting eh, and then you riff one thing after it, it kills, and you're like, damn it, really?
02:27:30.000 Do you do anything else other than comedy that you really like to do? 0.73
02:27:36.000 I used to.
02:27:38.000 Skateboarding was like my love.
02:27:40.000 Skateboarding?
02:27:40.000 I loved it, but you get so old and you get banged up and it's hard to keep up.
02:27:45.000 I like traveling.
02:27:46.000 I like getting lost in the world.
02:27:47.000 Yeah, I know you love travel.
02:27:48.000 That's like a sport for you almost.
02:27:50.000 I think that's important for comics.
02:27:52.000 I think it's important for everybody to have other stuff that you're into.
02:27:55.000 But I think there's a thing, almost like a cross-training element to it, of doing other stuff that I think applies to stand-up.
02:28:02.000 Oh, yeah.
02:28:03.000 I mean, skateboarding is the same.
02:28:04.000 It's just you work on a trick over and over and over, and you finally nail it, then you can do it like second nature.
02:28:10.000 It's amazing with borders, too, when you see the videos, try, try, try, try, try, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, and then hit it, and now I'll hit it every time.
02:28:17.000 Yeah, exactly.
02:28:18.000 It's like a bit.
02:28:19.000 You gotta just keep tweaking it.
02:28:21.000 Oh, don't pull this.
02:28:22.000 This is embarrassing.
02:28:23.000 But this is me.
02:28:24.000 Is that Tompkins?
02:28:25.000 Yeah, these kids hit me up and they run a skateboard magazine.
02:28:28.000 They're like, we heard you used to skate.
02:28:29.000 We'll take you out.
02:28:31.000 That's great.
02:28:31.000 And we did it.
02:28:32.000 I'm so rusty, but this is my whole life. 1.00
02:28:34.000 Damn, Mark! 1.00
02:28:35.000 Damn, Mark! 1.00
02:28:36.000 I mean, this is sloppy as hell. 1.00
02:28:38.000 What?
02:28:38.000 Skills!
02:28:39.000 We used to do this from like 9am to 9pm growing up.
02:28:42.000 Wow. 0.99
02:28:42.000 Even a fucking rail slide. 0.99
02:28:44.000 It was my whole life. 0.99
02:28:45.000 You know, we had no internet.
02:28:47.000 Look at Dad, dude.
02:28:49.000 It was fun.
02:28:49.000 Now there's all these young kids out there.
02:28:51.000 Wow, you're really good. 1.00
02:28:53.000 Damn, dude. 0.99
02:28:53.000 That's pretty impressive. 0.99
02:28:54.000 Well, look how hurt I am.
02:28:55.000 I'm a mess.
02:28:56.000 Yeah, you should probably be prepared.
02:28:57.000 I landed it.
02:28:59.000 It's a 50-50 pop, shove it out.
02:29:01.000 That's what I was going to say.
02:29:04.000 That's what she said.
02:29:06.000 Nobody was watching.
02:29:08.000 We'd just do it for each other.
02:29:09.000 You jump downstairs.
02:29:11.000 You slide down a rail.
02:29:12.000 I like the camaraderie in skating where as soon as somebody hits it, everybody runs in and hugs them.
02:29:17.000 And it's everyone trying to be the first.
02:29:19.000 It doesn't matter.
02:29:20.000 Just somebody nailed it.
02:29:21.000 Yes.
02:29:21.000 And everyone's like, yes!
02:29:22.000 Do you think it's like that four-minute mile thing?
02:29:25.000 And once someone breaks it, then other people know they can do it?
02:29:28.000 Tony Hawk, the 900. Once he did it, kids are doing that shit at skate parks. 1.00
02:29:32.000 Like, ten-year-old kids are doing 900s now. 0.99
02:29:34.000 Do you think that applies?
02:29:35.000 Doesn't that apply to everything?
02:29:36.000 Doesn't that apply to comedy, too?
02:29:38.000 Yes.
02:29:38.000 Like, when someone really is awesome and kills it, and they have, like, an insane special, and then everybody's like, whoa.
02:29:43.000 That's it.
02:29:44.000 That was great.
02:29:45.000 And everybody ramps up. 0.99
02:29:45.000 Or when you see someone come into the comedy show like Chris Rock or something, he just fucking crushes. 0.99
02:29:49.000 Oh yeah. 0.98
02:29:50.000 And everybody like, whoa!
02:29:51.000 And it elevates everybody.
02:29:53.000 Yeah, I think that's why school shootings keep happening.
02:29:55.000 I think it's the, uh...
02:29:56.000 Oh, stop. 1.00
02:29:57.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00
02:29:57.000 I think it's the, uh, what do you call it? 1.00
02:29:59.000 The copycat.
02:29:59.000 The one-upsmanship.
02:30:00.000 Yeah, like he did it, I can do it.
02:30:01.000 I can get more than eight.
02:30:02.000 You're 100% correct.
02:30:03.000 It's not the, what's wrong with society today?
02:30:06.000 No, it's just go, oh, one kid did it, I'll do it.
02:30:08.000 Or we're drugging up the kids. 0.99
02:30:10.000 A preponderance of mental illness. 1.00
02:30:11.000 There's a lot, I mean, it's all mentally ill people. 1.00
02:30:14.000 That's 100% of the problem.
02:30:16.000 And American marksmanship is number one. 0.75
02:30:17.000 I mean, there's a lot of debate about what the tools are used, but at the end of the day, it's 100% the problem is that there's mentally ill people that are capable of doing that.
02:30:25.000 But weren't there mentally ill people in 1955 and they didn't shoot up a school? 0.71
02:30:28.000 I think there's also the thing that once something gets done, just like a skateboarding trick, people realize it can be done.
02:30:35.000 It's possible.
02:30:36.000 It can be done.
02:30:36.000 And then they start doing it.
02:30:37.000 I think that's just a natural thing of humans with everything we do, whether it's things we love or even things that we hate.
02:30:43.000 There's like a thing where someone does something and someone wants to do it better. 0.94
02:30:46.000 That's why war is so fucking scary. 0.98
02:30:48.000 Because if one nation shows that they're willing to kill your people indiscriminately, you can show that you're willing to kill all their people. 0.99
02:30:56.000 And today, that's a real possibility. 1.00
02:30:59.000 That's why when you see some shit that's happening in Ukraine, that's like the bar fight outside of the pub that turns into a fucking world war. 0.99
02:31:06.000 That's like this little scrap that you go, you gotta keep your eye on that, because this could be a fucking gang fight, and if you run out of the house with the wrong affiliation, you get gunned down in a drive-by. 0.99
02:31:17.000 Like, that happens all over the world, right? 0.98
02:31:19.000 We know that happens.
02:31:20.000 That could happen everywhere in the world. 0.98
02:31:22.000 That's what we're fucking terrified of now. 0.76
02:31:25.000 We were talking earlier about people not understanding what other countries are like. 0.99
02:31:28.000 Like, man, they don't have any say in what the fuck goes down. 0.98
02:31:33.000 They got zero say. 0.99
02:31:34.000 We have a little say.
02:31:35.000 We have more say than anybody else.
02:31:37.000 More say than anybody else. 1.00
02:31:38.000 It's still corrupted and fucked up. 0.99
02:31:40.000 We got the most say. 1.00
02:31:41.000 And it's us going, what the fuck that's going to save this thing? 0.97
02:31:47.000 It's like, that's one of the only things that's going to save this thing, is people realizing, like, this is crazy. 0.98
02:31:52.000 Yeah.
02:31:53.000 Isn't it crazy?
02:31:53.000 I was just in Portland, Maine.
02:31:55.000 I'm looking at my hotel window.
02:31:56.000 I'm on the ninth floor.
02:31:57.000 And there's a big barracks on an island with all these holes in a wall for cannons.
02:32:02.000 That was the whole thing. 1.00
02:32:03.000 It was just, people are going to try to kill us, and we've got to kill them first. 1.00
02:32:06.000 Be ready to fight them off. 0.99
02:32:07.000 That was every form of life back then.
02:32:09.000 When I say us, I don't mean us.
02:32:12.000 You think?
02:32:12.000 Yeah, but we don't need a fort with cannons.
02:32:15.000 We just have a missile defense system.
02:32:17.000 It's the exact same thing.
02:32:19.000 It's always been there. 0.98
02:32:20.000 When I say us, I mean most rational people that are listening to this and understand what the fuck we're saying. 0.95
02:32:25.000 I don't mean us in this room. 0.99
02:32:26.000 I mean, like, most people who listen to this are like, what the fuck is going on? 0.96
02:32:29.000 Like, what are we doing? 0.98
02:32:30.000 Yeah.
02:32:31.000 There's gonna come a point in time.
02:32:33.000 What'd you do?
02:32:34.000 I don't know. 1.00
02:32:34.000 Jay, you gave me this fucking eagle bong. 1.00
02:32:37.000 Funnel? 1.00
02:32:38.000 You're a funnel?
02:32:41.000 It works. 0.98
02:32:42.000 I gotta piss.
02:32:43.000 You have to do one.
02:32:45.000 You're a history guy.
02:32:46.000 Will you report?
02:32:47.000 Do you ever anticipate a time where there's not a thing like nations, where people control giant chunks of land and they have rules?
02:33:02.000 I don't know.
02:33:03.000 There hasn't been yet.
02:33:04.000 Is it ever possible?
02:33:05.000 I think it is.
02:33:06.000 You break down barriers and bottom up...
02:33:09.000 Like, power, and you break down barriers, like, hey, let's all just vote.
02:33:12.000 Right, but here's the question.
02:33:13.000 Do you think it would ever be a decentralized one-world government, or would it be a centralized one-world government? 0.99
02:33:22.000 Because that's like some World Economic Forum scary shit. 0.98
02:33:25.000 I think probably both of them. 0.99
02:33:26.000 So that's the battle, right?
02:33:27.000 The battle is to figure out whether or not we all run this thing in a way that works well for everybody, or we let people run it in a way that works well for them.
02:33:38.000 Say that again. 0.71
02:33:39.000 Say that again. 0.71
02:33:39.000 Or we let people run it. 0.71
02:33:40.000 In a way that works well for them.
02:33:42.000 So run the whole world in a world in a way that works well for everybody.
02:33:46.000 Like some sort of a distribution of resources, fix places that are economically fucked up, or let the people that are profiting the most run it in a way that benefits them, which is what they've always done.
02:33:56.000 I think it's a battle back and forth.
02:33:58.000 Right, exactly.
02:33:59.000 The down was like, we want to be represented. 1.00
02:34:00.000 And the top is like, no, we just want our own shit. 1.00
02:34:02.000 So who wins? 1.00
02:34:03.000 I don't know.
02:34:03.000 America's pretty perfect if the people up top aren't bought.
02:34:07.000 But they're all bought.
02:34:08.000 But they're always bought.
02:34:08.000 Now they are, yeah.
02:34:10.000 That's like, all my girlfriends would be great if they weren't hookers. 1.00
02:34:12.000 But they're all hookers. 1.00
02:34:13.000 Yeah, I know, but... 1.00
02:34:14.000 Imagine if you're only dating hookers. 1.00
02:34:16.000 Yeah, but the next one might not be a hooker. 1.00
02:34:18.000 Maybe. 0.96
02:34:19.000 That's like the idea of... 1.00
02:34:20.000 You gotta get rid of these hookers. 1.00
02:34:21.000 A smart 10. Where it's like, nah, you're just never gonna get that. 0.99
02:34:24.000 You never get a politician who's like, not corruptible.
02:34:27.000 You're gonna get a smart 10. These do rule, by the way.
02:34:29.000 What you're not gonna get is someone who has the character of someone who grew up unattractive.
02:34:33.000 Okay.
02:34:34.000 Right?
02:34:35.000 What?
02:34:35.000 Right.
02:34:35.000 You're not gonna get the character of someone who grew up unattractive.
02:34:38.000 You don't get a Joey Diaz if he's beautiful.
02:34:39.000 Right. 0.98
02:34:40.000 You know, you get a Joey Diaz if he's like, this guy, he's not that good looking, but he's got a fucking fantastic personality. 0.97
02:34:46.000 Right. 0.90
02:34:46.000 But you keep thinking it's possible. 0.90
02:34:47.000 Like, there's gotta be an uncorrupted politician.
02:34:50.000 But it's like, not really.
02:34:51.000 I don't think there's any of them that are totally uncorrupted, but there's got to be some of them that have morals that are more in line with keeping society healthy as possible while also getting rich.
02:35:01.000 Because they all get rich.
02:35:03.000 Are you going to make him do this?
02:35:04.000 He'll be fine.
02:35:05.000 He's not going to be fine.
02:35:06.000 It's going to be cold.
02:35:07.000 I'm a grown-up.
02:35:08.000 He's already had three and two whiskeys.
02:35:11.000 Uh-oh.
02:35:12.000 Do it for the troops.
02:35:13.000 Do we have a cooler nearby?
02:35:16.000 We need Ari to get a rascal to get out of here. 1.00
02:35:19.000 It's a little chilly, but you got it.
02:35:20.000 Look at that.
02:35:21.000 How fun and easy that is.
02:35:22.000 Joe, you're next. 1.00
02:35:23.000 I love how you're drinking out of an Eagles asshole. 1.00
02:35:25.000 There you go. 1.00
02:35:25.000 Yes. 1.00
02:35:26.000 I'll do one of those.
02:35:27.000 Yeah!
02:35:29.000 God bless America.
02:35:30.000 Aren't Eagles scavengers?
02:35:32.000 They're bald.
02:35:33.000 Kinda.
02:35:34.000 I'm not scared of Ari's E. coli either, because I had wine earlier.
02:35:37.000 You should be scared of herpes.
02:35:39.000 It's all that mustache.
02:35:40.000 I already have lip herpes, so good luck.
02:35:42.000 Do you?
02:35:43.000 Yeah, I got the lip.
02:35:44.000 I had it since I was a child.
02:35:45.000 Let me do mine before his.
02:35:46.000 Cold sores?
02:35:47.000 I had them since I was like a little kid.
02:35:48.000 I was getting them in fifth grade.
02:35:49.000 Nothing mattered.
02:35:50.000 I don't even remember when I got them.
02:35:51.000 I never had one.
02:35:52.000 College people were like, do you think you got those from grandma kissing you? 1.00
02:35:56.000 No, I got those from my dad drinking out of the fucking orange juice. 1.00
02:36:01.000 My dad ate some herpes. 1.00
02:36:03.000 That makes sense.
02:36:04.000 If you're in a house with people in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s, nobody thought about that.
02:36:09.000 You have herpes.
02:36:10.000 I've never had one on my lip. 1.00
02:36:11.000 I bet I'm on my dick. 1.00
02:36:13.000 Hold on. 1.00
02:36:13.000 Really? 1.00
02:36:14.000 No, I'm joking.
02:36:15.000 Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen, going for it.
02:36:16.000 I can't believe I never had herpes. 1.00
02:36:17.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
02:36:18.000 Anything I need to know? 1.00
02:36:20.000 Coming to save.
02:36:21.000 Have fun.
02:36:22.000 Thank you.
02:36:23.000 I mean, America is the best.
02:36:25.000 America is the best.
02:36:25.000 It's the best place I've ever lived.
02:36:27.000 I was just in Australia.
02:36:29.000 Anytime I go to another country, I get there and I'm like...
02:36:33.000 I love Australia.
02:36:34.000 What do you guys do?
02:36:35.000 Australia might be number two.
02:36:38.000 Australia's awesome.
02:36:38.000 Australia might be number two.
02:36:40.000 I talk to my wife about that. 0.99
02:36:41.000 I go, shit goes totally sideways and we're involved in some serious war. 1.00
02:36:44.000 What the fuck is this, dude? 1.00
02:36:44.000 You might need to move to France. 1.00
02:36:46.000 You're gonna save some for later?
02:36:48.000 Why are you sick?
02:36:49.000 Why are you doing that?
02:36:51.000 I bet there's more in there.
02:36:52.000 Ah, it's so cold.
02:36:52.000 I bet there's more in there.
02:36:53.000 Why are you that gay? 1.00
02:36:54.000 You're not even done. 1.00
02:36:55.000 You're not even done.
02:36:56.000 He's taking sips.
02:36:58.000 Why'd you do that, dude?
02:36:59.000 Some backwash.
02:37:00.000 We need Norman to do...
02:37:01.000 You ruined the whole vibe, dude.
02:37:03.000 Norman's got to do one of those in the cold plunge.
02:37:06.000 A cold plunge?
02:37:07.000 No way. 1.00
02:37:08.000 He's sipping a fucking funnel. 1.00
02:37:09.000 Do it in the cold plunge. 1.00
02:37:10.000 I was thinking about Australia.
02:37:13.000 I've never been in New Zealand.
02:37:15.000 Have you been in New Zealand?
02:37:16.000 No, I want to.
02:37:17.000 We should do a show in New Zealand.
02:37:19.000 I'm down. 1.00
02:37:20.000 Let's go fuck New Zealand up. 0.99
02:37:21.000 We gotta take like a week and a half there, though. 0.99
02:37:23.000 Let's go.
02:37:24.000 Ari's like, we gotta move there for at least three months to absorb the culture. 1.00
02:37:27.000 We gotta live with people in a hostel.
02:37:31.000 I was like, we can't just turn around and come home.
02:37:34.000 We're coming right back.
02:37:35.000 I was saying that with Mark.
02:37:36.000 We saw the club.
02:37:37.000 I was like, yo, we'll get a house down here for at least a month.
02:37:40.000 For a month?
02:37:40.000 Do the club?
02:37:41.000 Yeah, do a month of workouts.
02:37:42.000 That club is a banger.
02:37:44.000 Let's get a nice house for a month or two.
02:37:46.000 Let's stop for a moment.
02:37:48.000 That club looks good, dude.
02:37:49.000 It's exciting. 0.99
02:37:50.000 Killer.
02:37:50.000 Shout out to Louis C.K. for giving me some solid advice on how to finish it.
02:37:56.000 Yeah.
02:37:56.000 Some awesome advice.
02:37:57.000 It's going to be great.
02:37:58.000 Yeah, we'll do some writing in there.
02:37:59.000 The stage is too low.
02:38:01.000 Watch this, Norm.
02:38:01.000 This is how a man does it.
02:38:03.000 It is cold.
02:38:04.000 It is cold. 1.00
02:38:05.000 Damn, Joe. 1.00
02:38:06.000 Holy shit. 1.00
02:38:07.000 Oh, Joe. 1.00
02:38:08.000 Man.
02:38:09.000 Wow. 1.00
02:38:12.000 Holy shit. 1.00
02:38:13.000 That was really something. 1.00
02:38:15.000 That's how men does it. 0.98
02:38:17.000 I like to enjoy the pills now. 1.00
02:38:20.000 You just conquer your inner bitch and just suck it down. 1.00
02:38:22.000 Holy hell. 1.00
02:38:24.000 Dude, I got some advice for a cold plunge.
02:38:26.000 Some guy who listens to your podcast a bunch, he goes, here's how you do it. 0.99
02:38:29.000 Say, I'm a fucking warrior? 0.99
02:38:30.000 Cold means nothing to me! 1.00
02:38:32.000 Go! 0.95
02:38:32.000 I was like, okay! 0.95
02:38:34.000 But you'd be like, well, that's not true.
02:38:36.000 So why are you talking to myself? 0.99
02:38:38.000 We've got other problems that aren't going to be solved by this fucking Cold War. 0.98
02:38:41.000 Why are we going to an existential crisis if you haven't lied to himself? 0.99
02:38:44.000 Damn, that feels like college. 0.99
02:38:47.000 That woke me up. 0.99
02:38:48.000 You want another one?
02:38:49.000 If you can do it, it'll make your life better.
02:38:51.000 If you can get in that thing every day, it'll make your life better.
02:38:53.000 It really will.
02:38:54.000 It's good for the organs.
02:38:54.000 It's good for your brain.
02:38:56.000 It's good for your brain.
02:38:56.000 It makes you happy.
02:38:57.000 When you get out of there, you feel really good.
02:38:59.000 Like, a big part of people's problem, I think, is inflammation, and there's something that happens with cold exposure where there's this wild rush of blood after it's over and your brain produces norepinephrine and all these, like, beautiful chemicals that make you feel good while you're warming up. 0.96
02:39:12.000 You feel fucking great, dude.
02:39:14.000 If it was a pill, if getting in a cold plunge every day was a pill, everybody would be on it. 0.99
02:39:18.000 I'm telling you.
02:39:19.000 Three minutes a day.
02:39:21.000 You would do Adderall?
02:39:32.000 I've done stand-up like twice on Adderall.
02:39:35.000 You're so quick.
02:39:36.000 No, I bomb.
02:39:38.000 You and me are way different.
02:39:40.000 Joey said that about coke.
02:39:43.000 Joey said that about coke.
02:39:45.000 He said he couldn't do coke and do stand-up.
02:39:46.000 He said I can't connect with the audience.
02:39:48.000 I can't do Adderall and do stand-up.
02:39:49.000 What did you feel? 1.00
02:39:51.000 Little dick. 1.00
02:39:54.000 What's new, pussycat? 1.00
02:39:57.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:40:00.000 Easy money.
02:40:01.000 What is it, though?
02:40:03.000 I don't know.
02:40:06.000 Everything's serious.
02:40:08.000 When you take Adderall, there's nothing funny.
02:40:13.000 Now flip that to Molly on stage. 1.00
02:40:16.000 The first time I did Molly, I was on stage.
02:40:20.000 Big J brought me on stage.
02:40:22.000 It was my show in Philly.
02:40:23.000 I was there!
02:40:24.000 You were there.
02:40:25.000 It was the first time you did Molly. 0.79
02:40:28.000 How blasted were you?
02:40:30.000 It was right when it hit.
02:40:33.000 It was the first time it ever hit me in my life.
02:40:35.000 I was hosting this show in Philly.
02:40:38.000 It was at Helium in Philly.
02:40:40.000 And they were letting us hang out during COVID. It was the only place we could party.
02:40:46.000 So we would do a show once a month.
02:40:49.000 Every two weeks we would go do a show.
02:40:51.000 And then we did Molly and Big J was like, Shane, come back out here.
02:40:58.000 And I came back out, and right when he said, Shane, come back out here, I was in the green room, and just a wave hit me. 0.98
02:41:04.000 And I was like, holy shit. 0.97
02:41:07.000 I never felt that. 0.98
02:41:08.000 And then I went on stage, and I couldn't show my face.
02:41:12.000 Yeah, it wasn't pretty.
02:41:13.000 But it was all fans.
02:41:14.000 It was all fans.
02:41:16.000 So they all saw you do stand-up.
02:41:18.000 Oh, yeah.
02:41:18.000 I mean, they were there for me.
02:41:20.000 It was my show.
02:41:21.000 Oh, that's perfect.
02:41:22.000 But they were like, we love you, and I was like...
02:41:24.000 Did you tell them you were on Molly?
02:41:25.000 Yeah, of course.
02:41:25.000 Oh, that's perfect.
02:41:26.000 You can't not say that. 0.99
02:41:28.000 I was like, I'm on Ecstasy, I'm high as shit. 0.98
02:41:29.000 I went on stage once on Acid, and I told the audience, and I could feel them tense up. 0.98
02:41:33.000 Because they're like, ooh, how's it going?
02:41:35.000 I go, I'm on acid right now.
02:41:36.000 And they're like, oh.
02:41:38.000 What, were you headlocking?
02:41:40.000 No, no, it was a set at the store.
02:41:42.000 I wouldn't do like a whole hour on acid.
02:41:44.000 That would be nuts.
02:41:45.000 That's weird.
02:41:45.000 It seems like they'd be like, oh, this is fun.
02:41:47.000 No, it was fun.
02:41:49.000 It was fun.
02:41:50.000 But there was a moment where they're like, oh my god, are you going to go crazy?
02:41:52.000 Because acid's one of those...
02:41:54.000 Molly's not like, you're not going to scream and run.
02:41:56.000 I go, I'm fine.
02:41:57.000 I go, I'm fine.
02:41:58.000 It's like a really low dose.
02:41:59.000 I'm just really happy you're all here.
02:42:01.000 And then I just went into the material.
02:42:02.000 But there was a weird moment where it was like, oh, no.
02:42:05.000 Like, I could feel... 0.99
02:42:07.000 When you tell people you're on mushrooms, they go, oh, you're silly. 1.00
02:42:10.000 You're on asses, like, oh, my God. 1.00
02:42:12.000 Are you a Manson? 1.00
02:42:13.000 Right.
02:42:15.000 What are you going to do?
02:42:16.000 Are you going to go crazy?
02:42:17.000 Michael Richards should have said that. 0.63
02:42:19.000 I was on acid.
02:42:20.000 Yeah.
02:42:21.000 If he had a good PR person, that's the perfect excuse.
02:42:23.000 Perfect way out.
02:42:24.000 He was on acid.
02:42:25.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:42:26.000 I fucked up.
02:42:26.000 I'm deeply sorry.
02:42:27.000 This is a dangerous drug.
02:42:29.000 We need to ban it from society.
02:42:31.000 Yeah, I'll never do it again.
02:42:34.000 But acid is the one, right?
02:42:35.000 That's the one that people associate with going crazy.
02:42:38.000 Oh, totally.
02:42:39.000 Acid is getting stuck that way, they say.
02:42:41.000 Right. 1.00
02:42:42.000 Fuck your brain up. 1.00
02:42:43.000 That's the guy from The Who. 1.00
02:42:45.000 Townsend?
02:42:46.000 Tommy?
02:42:47.000 No, what was it?
02:42:48.000 Pink Floyd, sorry.
02:42:49.000 Pink Floyd, the guy lost his mind.
02:42:50.000 Roger Waters.
02:42:51.000 No, Keith Moon, right?
02:42:52.000 Yeah, Moon is, he went crazy.
02:42:54.000 Wish you were ears about him, right?
02:42:55.000 Yeah, it's about acid.
02:42:56.000 Yeah.
02:42:58.000 Who else?
02:42:58.000 A bunch of people have gone cuckoo from acid, right?
02:43:01.000 Yeah, I think so.
02:43:03.000 Oh, Ted Kaczynski, that guy.
02:43:05.000 Whitey Bulger.
02:43:06.000 Sid Barrett.
02:43:08.000 You want to talk MKUltra?
02:43:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute.
02:43:10.000 Oh, Sid Barrett.
02:43:10.000 Sid Barrett.
02:43:12.000 Him too, huh? 1.00
02:43:13.000 Fuck off with your fucking sign up. 1.00
02:43:16.000 Oh, so Sid Barrett was the psycho. 1.00
02:43:18.000 Oh, he was the one who went crazy. 0.53
02:43:20.000 No, but it was also Pink Floyd.
02:43:23.000 I thought this was Rolling Stones.
02:43:25.000 Never mind.
02:43:26.000 So who did we think it was?
02:43:28.000 Who did we think it was?
02:43:29.000 I'm so high.
02:43:30.000 You said who.
02:43:31.000 My memory is good for 13 seconds right now.
02:43:34.000 I kept hitting that joint.
02:43:36.000 I'm like, Rogan, what are you doing?
02:43:37.000 You see?
02:43:38.000 The joint will get you.
02:43:39.000 You have to host this thing.
02:43:40.000 The weed will get you.
02:43:41.000 The joint's not good always.
02:43:43.000 So do you feel like you're hosting?
02:43:45.000 Still?
02:43:46.000 No.
02:43:46.000 I feel like I'm just...
02:43:47.000 We're talking.
02:43:47.000 We're hanging.
02:43:48.000 Yeah, we're hanging.
02:43:48.000 Always.
02:43:49.000 How do you not pee?
02:43:50.000 But I can't ruin it.
02:43:51.000 Huh?
02:43:51.000 How do you not pee?
02:43:53.000 I have extraordinary bladder.
02:43:54.000 He's not drinking that much.
02:43:55.000 I know, but...
02:43:57.000 Well, I had one of these Black Rifle coffees.
02:43:59.000 I had, um...
02:44:01.000 Fifth whiskey here.
02:44:02.000 A little bit of coffee.
02:44:03.000 What kind of whiskey?
02:44:03.000 A bunch of whiskeys.
02:44:04.000 I had the beer.
02:44:05.000 Yeah, Bodega Cat!
02:44:06.000 You're gonna have to pee in a minute.
02:44:08.000 Liquid IV. No, I could last for hours.
02:44:10.000 That beer will get you.
02:44:11.000 We'll see.
02:44:12.000 Here's the thing.
02:44:13.000 I've done this so long.
02:44:14.000 I guess we'll see.
02:44:14.000 You want to have a pee off?
02:44:16.000 Yes, definitely.
02:44:16.000 Let's just drink a glass of water every 20 minutes.
02:44:19.000 You and I? Yeah, you and I. I would take that.
02:44:21.000 This is actually one challenge you and I physically, I would be like, alright, I can do that.
02:44:25.000 You've already peed twice.
02:44:26.000 No, listen, listen.
02:44:27.000 One glass of water.
02:44:29.000 One glass like this of water every 20 minutes.
02:44:32.000 I would take that.
02:44:33.000 We used to play Edward Scissorhands. 0.86
02:44:36.000 I'll bury you.
02:44:38.000 Well, here's the thing. 0.72
02:44:39.000 I could last for days.
02:44:40.000 Yeah, but here's the thing. 1.00
02:44:41.000 You're more of a psycho, so you'll be... 0.99
02:44:43.000 That's true. 1.00
02:44:44.000 Bro, I'm ready to survive internal damage.
02:44:50.000 I'll take a couple of days.
02:44:51.000 You will survive that.
02:44:52.000 I'll take a few rounds of antibiotics.
02:44:54.000 I think we should do one more eagle bong.
02:44:56.000 Okay, let's go.
02:44:56.000 Alright, thank you.
02:44:57.000 Yeah, you don't want one of my water challenge.
02:44:59.000 Oh, watch out!
02:45:00.000 Because I have to pee!
02:45:02.000 Again?
02:45:03.000 That's like nine pisses for this guy.
02:45:05.000 Who's worse than Ari? 1.00
02:45:05.000 No one. 1.00
02:45:06.000 He is like a cat, dude.
02:45:08.000 He is like those cats he looks like.
02:45:09.000 He looks like those cats.
02:45:11.000 He looks exactly like him.
02:45:12.000 When they have that one cat next to his face.
02:45:14.000 Those cats look exactly like him.
02:45:16.000 It's insane.
02:45:18.000 What did they call it?
02:45:19.000 Somebody had a funny line.
02:45:20.000 No, I mean, that's a specific type of cat.
02:45:22.000 Was it like Puri Shafir or something like that?
02:45:24.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:45:25.000 Something stupid like that. 1.00
02:45:27.000 Safari Shafir? 1.00
02:45:28.000 I don't know, but he does look just like those weird cats.
02:45:31.000 He looks exactly like them.
02:45:33.000 They're like weird African felines. 1.00
02:45:35.000 Dude, I can just like fucking hold my pee for the longest time. 1.00
02:45:37.000 Look at that! 0.99
02:45:38.000 That is dead on!
02:45:39.000 That is dead on!
02:45:43.000 Oh, look, there's me looking at it in the corner. 1.00
02:45:46.000 Like, what the fuck, Ari? 1.00
02:45:46.000 Those cats couldn't look more like him. 1.00
02:45:49.000 Wow, weird.
02:45:50.000 Perfect representation of him.
02:45:52.000 Oh, there's a driver, Adam Driver.
02:45:53.000 Adam Driver also looks like a cat.
02:45:54.000 He's an odd-looking guy.
02:45:55.000 Actually, hold on.
02:45:56.000 Go back to that cat next to Ari.
02:45:57.000 That cat looks more like Adam Driver.
02:46:00.000 Oh, yeah, there you go.
02:46:01.000 That brown one looks like Ari. 0.86
02:46:02.000 Look at that.
02:46:03.000 That's more accurate than Ari, even.
02:46:06.000 He's kind of cat-like.
02:46:07.000 Yeah, that's a kooky looking dude.
02:46:09.000 Go back to Ari. 0.99
02:46:10.000 See, he has more of a rounded head at the top, like the cat.
02:46:14.000 See, the reason why that looks less like you than Adam Driver, because your head is narrow all the way up.
02:46:21.000 Adam Driver has this sort of...
02:46:23.000 He's got this different shaped head, almost like a cat.
02:46:27.000 Go back to the Adam Driver picture. 1.00
02:46:29.000 That's the fucking... 1.00
02:46:32.000 At least you get cats, dude. 1.00
02:46:33.000 I literally just get cats.
02:46:35.000 Yeah, go back to Adam Driver.
02:46:36.000 More like it, because he's thicker at the top of the head.
02:46:38.000 I see it.
02:46:39.000 And he comes down to a point.
02:46:40.000 Whereas Ari stays sort of narrow the whole way up. 0.85
02:46:43.000 Whoa! 0.71
02:46:44.000 That's Ari. 0.99
02:46:45.000 That's a Jewish cat. 0.99
02:46:46.000 That's my new merch.
02:46:47.000 Pretty close.
02:46:47.000 It's just that cat.
02:46:49.000 You should just have that cat! 1.00
02:46:50.000 It's just that cat.
02:46:51.000 But someone would sue you.
02:46:53.000 It's probably some crazy cat.
02:46:54.000 No, I know the order of that cat.
02:46:56.000 Do you?
02:46:57.000 Legitimately, I posted it, and she's like, oh my god, you already had, oh, you were serious!
02:47:01.000 That's an awesome shirt. 0.99
02:47:03.000 I thought you were fucking around! 0.99
02:47:05.000 Dude, Monroe Martin saw that, and he goes, how did you Photoshop a cat to look like that? 1.00
02:47:09.000 I'm like, no, no, that's just a cat.
02:47:10.000 I thought you were joking.
02:47:15.000 You got a good look.
02:47:16.000 I know girls who think you're hot. 1.00
02:47:17.000 It's rare, but it's there.
02:47:19.000 I mean, I know one.
02:47:20.000 You're funny. 0.99
02:47:21.000 Speaking of funny, your fucking special's gonna come out in October. 1.00
02:47:24.000 I think it's your best shit ever. 1.00
02:47:26.000 I think it's your best shit ever. 1.00
02:47:28.000 Really? 1.00
02:47:29.000 We went to see you at the Creek in the Cave. 0.99
02:47:30.000 I was fucking laughing really hard. 0.96
02:47:32.000 I was so glad you brought that thing back. 0.94
02:47:34.000 Thanks.
02:47:35.000 Because you were ready to kind of abandon that whole chunk.
02:47:38.000 I had to move on with my life, but I was like, eh, I think this is still ready.
02:47:41.000 Yeah, dude, it was better.
02:47:43.000 Even better than when I saw him when you were running it at the store.
02:47:46.000 I agree.
02:47:46.000 It's better.
02:47:47.000 Well, he's in New York, dude.
02:47:48.000 He's in New York.
02:47:49.000 Is that better? 0.99
02:47:50.000 He's not in fucking Gayville. 0.99
02:47:52.000 I was always in New York though. 0.98
02:47:53.000 Here?
02:47:53.000 Me?
02:47:54.000 What's Gayville? 0.54
02:47:55.000 I've chosen.
02:47:56.000 LA, bro.
02:47:57.000 LA. No, it was cool to take a time off.
02:47:58.000 How's it gay? 1.00
02:47:58.000 How's LA gay? 1.00
02:47:59.000 LA's gay. 0.95
02:48:00.000 Well, you get some good... 0.96
02:48:02.000 Feedback in New York.
02:48:03.000 I feel like it's more real.
02:48:05.000 You don't get good feedback in LA? Audience feedback.
02:48:07.000 You guys don't go there.
02:48:09.000 I've been to LA many a time, done the improv, done the store, done the laugh factory.
02:48:13.000 If you're in the scene, you get the same kind of feedback that you get in New York.
02:48:18.000 It's mixed.
02:48:18.000 You should do more leg kicks.
02:48:21.000 It's mixed. 0.99
02:48:23.000 In New York, there's more people who don't give a fuck and be like, that wasn't very good. 0.98
02:48:27.000 Well, that's probably good for a lot of people. 0.98
02:48:30.000 What is spilling out of this?
02:48:31.000 That's good for you.
02:48:32.000 And I feel like New York comics do the road more.
02:48:34.000 There's a little bit of an unnecessary attitude that comes with New York that I find a little pretentious.
02:48:40.000 There's a little aggressive attitude, but not quite at the point of violence.
02:48:46.000 There's always this three-quarter violence sort of attitude that a lot of people just generally accept in New York.
02:48:52.000 Please throw up.
02:48:53.000 Oh, he might.
02:48:54.000 Yuck! 0.98
02:48:55.000 He didn't make it to the end.
02:48:57.000 Easy, big fella. 0.78
02:48:58.000 Did you make it?
02:48:59.000 Ew, dude.
02:49:01.000 Ew, are you? 1.00
02:49:04.000 Why'd you make the eagle shit gay, dude? 1.00
02:49:06.000 You made the eagle come out of its ass. 1.00
02:49:10.000 Shit gay. 1.00
02:49:11.000 That's a funny way to put it. 1.00
02:49:13.000 You made the eagle shit gay. 1.00
02:49:15.000 Yeah, that's some attitude in New York, but that's just one of the small parts of New York. 1.00
02:49:19.000 But comics keep each other in check in New York, which L.A. does not. 0.99
02:49:24.000 Let's see some shit in LA where you go. 0.99
02:49:25.000 Joe Mackey going like, that wasn't very funny. 1.00
02:49:29.000 I've seen that before.
02:49:30.000 But Ari, the store did.
02:49:31.000 When you were there, everybody kind of kept everybody in check.
02:49:33.000 Back before the success.
02:49:35.000 That was the 80s.
02:49:35.000 When was the success?
02:49:37.000 It was right when Eager got there. 1.00
02:49:39.000 Before the success, it was more like, you need to work on that shit. 1.00
02:49:42.000 What year are we talking about? 1.00
02:49:43.000 Right when I moved to LA. New York, 2000. This time really suck it down. 0.93
02:49:49.000 Don't be gay about it. 1.00
02:49:50.000 What was the big change? 0.97
02:49:51.000 If I could, I would.
02:49:52.000 I'm trying.
02:49:53.000 Let's do it.
02:49:54.000 Freedom Funnel.
02:49:55.000 We were having three different conversations.
02:49:56.000 Hold on.
02:49:56.000 What?
02:49:57.000 What was the big change?
02:49:58.000 Success.
02:49:59.000 Success made everybody go, I don't want to piss anybody off because people all can help me.
02:50:03.000 Before at the Comedy Store, it was a failure hut.
02:50:05.000 So the biggest comics there were you and Bobby Lee.
02:50:09.000 Bobby was on Mad TV, and that was the biggest we got.
02:50:11.000 Okay, so this is pre-2007.
02:50:13.000 This is like 2004. Yeah, but even after that.
02:50:17.000 Until 2012, when Iga took over and all the big stars came.
02:50:20.000 When the lineups were Silverman, Spade, Fitzsimmons, you, Ron White.
02:50:23.000 I didn't go back until 2014. That's when I came back.
02:50:27.000 When I came back, it was already killing it because I went to see Roast Battle.
02:50:32.000 That was one of the things.
02:50:34.000 I went to see Ari, first of all.
02:50:35.000 That was the big one.
02:50:36.000 The big thing for me was that Ari was going to film his... 0.98
02:50:40.000 Comedy Central special there, and there was not a fucking chance in hell I wasn't going to be there.
02:50:44.000 I really liked you being there for that. 0.75
02:50:46.000 That was nice.
02:50:47.000 I hadn't been there in seven years.
02:50:49.000 And I was like, I'm never going back. 1.00
02:50:51.000 I was like, they can suck my dick till the end of time. 1.00
02:50:53.000 Right, right. 1.00
02:50:54.000 But when Ari told me he was there, I was like, that's more important to me. 0.99
02:50:59.000 Your new special, dude, the last hour you've been running is fucking... 0.99
02:51:03.000 Hell yeah. 0.99
02:51:04.000 Nice.
02:51:04.000 I'm very excited to see it.
02:51:05.000 I didn't watch.
02:51:06.000 I mean, once you did the Kobe joke, I was out on you.
02:51:10.000 Where'd you get that mask?
02:51:11.000 What do you mean?
02:51:12.000 Oh.
02:51:13.000 Not from this studio.
02:51:15.000 You brought a match?
02:51:16.000 It was right here.
02:51:17.000 So I came back in 2014 to watch that, and I had to go the day before.
02:51:23.000 I said, I can't just be here the night that Ari Films is special.
02:51:26.000 It would have been a distraction.
02:51:27.000 Because I'll be freaked out.
02:51:29.000 Like, I need to be here for this.
02:51:30.000 Like, in my mind, in my head.
02:51:32.000 So I went the day before, and I went and watched Roast Battle.
02:51:35.000 And it was so fun and so creative.
02:51:39.000 It was the height of Roast Battle.
02:51:40.000 There was a feeling.
02:51:41.000 First of all, it was so underground, but it was packed.
02:51:44.000 It was wrestling.
02:51:45.000 Because it was like the cool people knew about it.
02:51:46.000 It was underground wrestling.
02:51:47.000 And you would go up there and the way Brian Moses, the way he hosted is so beautiful.
02:51:52.000 Brian Moses. 1.00
02:51:53.000 He's the fucking man. 1.00
02:51:54.000 Great guy. 1.00
02:51:55.000 He's a great guy, he's funny, but also he's nice.
02:51:58.000 So he's like, at the end we hug it out.
02:52:01.000 Everybody, here's the rules, you know, don't touch each other, but at the end we all hug it out.
02:52:05.000 And he does this thing and everyone's like, yeah, so this is fun.
02:52:08.000 So he sets the tone. 0.98
02:52:10.000 You're gonna talk shit, you're gonna say some horrible things about each other, but it's gonna be fun. 0.99
02:52:14.000 And we were fucking crying. 0.99
02:52:15.000 And I remember being up there, And I forget who all was with us at the time, because I was just so overwhelmed by being there. 0.93
02:52:22.000 And that this moment- And it wasn't a lot too where it's like, that's your home home.
02:52:25.000 What's the place you haven't been?
02:52:27.000 It's your home home. 0.97
02:52:27.000 And then it was like, I haven't been here for a fucking five, six, seven years. 0.97
02:52:31.000 Wow. 0.99
02:52:31.000 You gotta realize, dude, when I was in 1988, when I started doing stand-up- Holy shit. 0.99
02:52:37.000 You started doing comedy in 88? 0.98
02:52:39.000 88. Was that even a year?
02:52:40.000 Wow.
02:52:40.000 It turned out I was born.
02:52:41.000 Yeah.
02:52:42.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:52:42.000 That's when I started.
02:52:44.000 When I was in Boston, we talked about the Comedy Store like it was Mecca.
02:52:50.000 Really?
02:52:51.000 It was Mecca.
02:52:52.000 Pryor, it was Mecca. 1.00
02:52:53.000 That was Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Dice Clay, Mecca.
02:52:56.000 That cool thing that everyone forgets about that, when you go on the OR stage, you're standing right where Pryor stood.
02:53:02.000 I stood after him.
02:53:04.000 I did shows after him.
02:53:06.000 Really?
02:53:07.000 I followed Pryor for like five, six weeks in a row.
02:53:10.000 What?
02:53:11.000 I didn't know that. 1.00
02:53:12.000 I followed Martin Lawrence in his prime and ate plates of shit. 1.00
02:53:18.000 Plates of shit. 1.00
02:53:19.000 It's one of the most horrendous bombings I ever incurred in my entire life. 1.00
02:53:23.000 Wow.
02:53:24.000 Yeah, I mean, Chris Rock said that.
02:53:25.000 He had to follow Martin Lawrence.
02:53:26.000 He featured for him when he was like...
02:53:27.000 That changed Chris Rock's act.
02:53:29.000 He said I was doing too many shows for white people.
02:53:31.000 Really patient white people.
02:53:33.000 Then all of a sudden he's doing these shows after Martin Lawrence.
02:53:36.000 Dude, people don't remember.
02:53:39.000 Martin Lawrence in the 90s was a murderer. 0.91
02:53:43.000 He was a murderer. 0.96
02:53:45.000 I had to follow him. 0.98
02:53:47.000 When he was wearing a leather jumpsuit.
02:53:49.000 Oh, wow.
02:53:51.000 Leather Martin. 1.00
02:53:51.000 I was this 27-year-old dumbass from fucking Boston. 1.00
02:53:57.000 You were 27? 1.00
02:53:57.000 Yes. 1.00
02:53:58.000 Oh, my God.
02:53:58.000 I was terrible.
02:53:59.000 Wow. 1.00
02:54:00.000 Bro, my comedy was straight dog shit. 1.00
02:54:02.000 Holy shit! 1.00
02:54:03.000 I had like three good blowjob jokes, and I'm following Martin Lawrence in the main room at the store. 1.00
02:54:09.000 Holy shit. 0.99
02:54:12.000 Instantaneously. 0.99
02:54:15.000 It was like three-quarters of the audience would leave immediately.
02:54:20.000 I'm not kidding.
02:54:22.000 He would do like an hour.
02:54:23.000 You're dealing with walkouts as you're getting on.
02:54:24.000 You're like, uh, please, attention.
02:54:26.000 No, no, no.
02:54:27.000 You just had to accept it.
02:54:28.000 I had to accept it.
02:54:30.000 Anybody who was any good at how to go on after him.
02:54:32.000 Mitzi was ruthless.
02:54:33.000 That's why she's right there, man.
02:54:34.000 She did it on purpose.
02:54:35.000 That's why she's right there. 1.00
02:54:37.000 That's her fine ass out there. 1.00
02:54:38.000 That's her. 0.99
02:54:39.000 She does look good.
02:54:40.000 That's Taylor Bowles.
02:54:42.000 Taylor made that.
02:54:43.000 Very generous rendition. 1.00
02:54:45.000 She was a fucking... 1.00
02:54:46.000 No, no, that's what she looked like when she was young, man. 1.00
02:54:48.000 That's a photo of her when she was young. 0.99
02:54:50.000 By the way, you can see the see-through fucking... 1.00
02:54:52.000 She's trying to show her tits off to everybody. 1.00
02:54:54.000 Yeah, dude, that's like an artistic rendition. 0.99
02:54:56.000 It's not totally accurate, but it's pretty close.
02:54:59.000 It's not inaccurate either.
02:55:00.000 It's not inaccurate.
02:55:01.000 She was a beautiful lady when she was young.
02:55:03.000 Alright.
02:55:03.000 That's the godmother.
02:55:05.000 That's her, right there.
02:55:06.000 Oh yeah, wow, I can see it.
02:55:08.000 Yeah, that's exactly it.
02:55:09.000 There you go.
02:55:10.000 Is it the full photo where it shows the shirt she's wearing?
02:55:13.000 That's the one I knew, the one on the left right there in the black.
02:55:16.000 That's the Mitzi I knew.
02:55:17.000 There's a full photo of it. 0.99
02:55:19.000 She was fucking wild. 1.00
02:55:20.000 That's what I heard. 1.00
02:55:21.000 She was a great lady, man. 0.99
02:55:22.000 God, she was fucking so opinionated. 0.99
02:55:24.000 She was so important. 0.99
02:55:25.000 But then you hear all the stories like, hey, you gotta bring a banana on stage.
02:55:28.000 So that's the original.
02:55:31.000 Here's what that is.
02:55:32.000 When Mitzi said, you gotta bring a banana on stage, that's her exasperator going, I don't know. 1.00
02:55:37.000 Exactly.
02:55:38.000 You sell bananas on weekends?
02:55:41.000 Talk about that.
02:55:41.000 I don't know.
02:55:42.000 Dude, I had moved to LA. I was on a television show.
02:55:46.000 And I didn't give a fuck. 0.99
02:55:48.000 Hardball? 0.99
02:55:48.000 News radio? 0.99
02:55:49.000 I just wanted to be at the store.
02:55:51.000 And I was an unpaid regular.
02:55:53.000 So I'd go on every night after Carlos Mencia.
02:55:57.000 Every night.
02:55:58.000 So the hatred was building. 0.95
02:56:00.000 I was just watching this nonsense.
02:56:02.000 I became friends with him initially. 0.98
02:56:04.000 He murdered. 1.00
02:56:05.000 He murdered with other people's shit. 1.00
02:56:09.000 He wanted to follow it. 1.00
02:56:10.000 He's still murdering.
02:56:11.000 It was also like it was the end of the night.
02:56:14.000 It was like a long show.
02:56:16.000 And you just had to grind it out.
02:56:18.000 If you wanted to be a paid regular in 94, you just had to grind it out.
02:56:22.000 And I got to watch all...
02:56:23.000 There was no one there.
02:56:25.000 That was what was crazy.
02:56:26.000 You would go there and Damon Wayans would go up in front of 20 people.
02:56:30.000 It's crazy.
02:56:31.000 Wow.
02:56:31.000 And you would be like, this is the most insane thing I've ever seen in my life.
02:56:34.000 Dude, I had seen Damon Wayans' HBO specials.
02:56:39.000 Damon Wayans is one of the best comics that's ever lived!
02:56:45.000 If you watch him when he's in his prime, go back and watch The Last Stand.
02:56:52.000 Go back and watch The Last Stand. 0.98
02:56:54.000 It's fucking phenomenal. 0.98
02:56:55.000 And he says, like, I'm done with stand-up. 0.99
02:56:57.000 I'm going to be a movie star.
02:56:58.000 He drops the mic and he walks away.
02:57:00.000 It's the last stand.
02:57:01.000 That's how he kind of ended it for a while.
02:57:04.000 It's like Jeff Mangum.
02:57:05.000 He needed better friends. 0.98
02:57:08.000 He needed someone like us to go, Damon, Damon, you're one of the best fucking stand-ups. 1.00
02:57:14.000 Fuck these ABC sitcoms. 1.00
02:57:16.000 You should be doing stadiums. 1.00
02:57:19.000 Well, Blank Man was a film.
02:57:21.000 Arenas.
02:57:21.000 Which one was Major Payne?
02:57:23.000 That was him.
02:57:24.000 How about The Last Boy Scout?
02:57:26.000 The Last Boy Scout.
02:57:30.000 Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans.
02:57:33.000 It was a big blockbuster back in the day.
02:57:35.000 It's a big movie.
02:57:37.000 He was in Earth Girls Are Easy.
02:57:39.000 He did well in movies.
02:57:40.000 He was in In Living Color, which is the second best sketch show ever.
02:57:46.000 Oh, there he is with the floppy hat.
02:57:48.000 I'm telling you, man.
02:57:49.000 I'm telling you.
02:57:50.000 Damon Wayans back then.
02:57:52.000 And this was like 1990. 1990!
02:57:55.000 I'm telling you right now. 1.00
02:57:57.000 He was a fucking monster. 1.00
02:57:59.000 What a simple design for a stage. 1.00
02:58:02.000 You have to understand how long ago this was.
02:58:04.000 This was 32 years ago. 1.00
02:58:07.000 Damn. 0.99
02:58:07.000 Can you imagine being in a family that does stand-up? 0.99
02:58:10.000 Dude, this was 30...
02:58:11.000 That's wild.
02:58:12.000 This is 32 years ago. 1.00
02:58:14.000 That's wild shit. 1.00
02:58:15.000 Sean Wayans, Marlon Wayans. 1.00
02:58:16.000 How about fucking Keenan Ivory Wayans? 1.00
02:58:19.000 Keenan Ivory Wayans. 1.00
02:58:19.000 Who made movies. 1.00
02:58:20.000 He made it in Living Color. 0.95
02:58:21.000 He made movies, he made it in Living Color, and I'm Gonna Get You, Sucker. 0.97
02:58:26.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00
02:58:26.000 And then on top of that, he was a fucking talk show host. 1.00
02:58:30.000 Damn, he smashed it. 1.00
02:58:30.000 Look at the Jews' name coming up. 1.00
02:58:32.000 He was the reason why I started doing commentary for the UFC. What?
02:58:36.000 Yes!
02:58:37.000 No, Keenan Ivory Wayans.
02:58:39.000 Oh.
02:58:40.000 Why?
02:58:41.000 Listen.
02:58:42.000 I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
02:58:43.000 It's such a funny way to stop doing stand-up.
02:58:45.000 Smashing them all.
02:58:45.000 You're going to be like, I'm done.
02:58:47.000 I'm done.
02:58:47.000 I did it.
02:58:48.000 But that's because it's scary.
02:58:50.000 It's so funny.
02:58:50.000 You want to say, I did it.
02:58:52.000 I'm done.
02:58:52.000 I never want to do it again.
02:58:54.000 I did it.
02:58:55.000 I'm done.
02:58:55.000 Well, stand up hard.
02:58:56.000 I prefer that, go out, and I'm done.
02:58:59.000 I'm still very good than the withering away of a lot of lives.
02:59:02.000 Nah, you gotta wither away, bro.
02:59:03.000 Ugh. 1.00
02:59:04.000 Fuck wither in a way. 1.00
02:59:06.000 Let's go! 1.00
02:59:09.000 Fuck wither in a way. 1.00
02:59:11.000 I'll do four more. 1.00
02:59:14.000 And you'll have to pee before me. 0.97
02:59:16.000 Watch me.
02:59:17.000 I'm here all night.
02:59:18.000 Let's see who pees first. 0.98
02:59:21.000 This competitive cut, he can't stop.
02:59:23.000 You're going to the hospital tonight, Shane.
02:59:26.000 I dare you to try.
02:59:28.000 Have you seen his record of beers?
02:59:31.000 He's not going anywhere.
02:59:32.000 I would love it.
02:59:33.000 I was on the Keenan Ivory weigh-in show.
02:59:35.000 Really? 0.99
02:59:36.000 And I was talking shit about Steven Seagal fighting in the UFC. That's so funny. 0.98
02:59:40.000 What year?
02:59:41.000 This was 97. Oh, wow.
02:59:43.000 98. Pre-911.
02:59:44.000 Somewhere around then.
02:59:45.000 I started working for the UFC in 1997. That's insane.
02:59:50.000 I didn't know there was a round in 97. Yeah, in Gotham, Alabama.
02:59:52.000 It was in Dothan, Alabama.
02:59:54.000 That was the first place I went to.
02:59:55.000 I've done a show there. 0.96
02:59:56.000 That place stinks.
02:59:58.000 It was UFC 12. The Epstein years. 0.92
03:00:03.000 That's the first one I worked at.
03:00:06.000 We flew in propeller planes.
03:00:09.000 What? 0.99
03:00:09.000 I flew with Randy Couture in a fucking propeller plane in 1997. Holy fuck. 0.99
03:00:18.000 Holy hell. 1.00
03:00:19.000 Who knows what would have happened?
03:00:22.000 Blow that eagle! 0.96
03:00:23.000 It's a big bopper. 1.00
03:00:24.000 Suck that eagle's dick! 1.00
03:00:25.000 Suck that dick! 1.00
03:00:28.000 Suck that dick! 1.00
03:00:31.000 It's so funny that the news is evil! 1.00
03:00:38.000 The news is like, we gotta worry about this guy.
03:00:41.000 He ain't ready to go to our way to the airplane.
03:00:46.000 Well, Randy Cartour doesn't even drink.
03:00:49.000 He's an established gentleman.
03:00:50.000 That's true.
03:00:51.000 Joe Rogan's a threat to democracy.
03:00:53.000 I was on a prop plane with Damon Wayans.
03:00:56.000 Randy was drinking out.
03:00:57.000 Well, here's the thing.
03:00:59.000 People in my position oftentimes forget who they are.
03:01:03.000 That's true.
03:01:04.000 That is true.
03:01:05.000 He stopped being a person. 0.99
03:01:07.000 I'm the exact same fucking person I was in 2014, in 2007. I feel like Chappelle is getting that. 0.99
03:01:16.000 I'm like, no, you're the funniest guy.
03:01:18.000 He's not getting that.
03:01:20.000 Not when I talk to him.
03:01:21.000 I hope you're right.
03:01:22.000 I don't want to lose him.
03:01:24.000 I love him to death.
03:01:25.000 He's the same exact human.
03:01:27.000 Alright.
03:01:27.000 He's 100% the same exact human.
03:01:30.000 I've known him since he was like 18, 19 years old.
03:01:33.000 I met him at, he was at, we were both at Catch a Rising Star in New York in like 1992. That's how crazy that was.
03:01:44.000 I was just moving to New York and I was doing some sets and I ran into Dave and he was at Catch a Rising Star.
03:01:51.000 But I didn't know him, I just saw him.
03:01:54.000 And then he and I did the Montreal Comedy Festival.
03:01:57.000 So we did this show, and after the show, Dave, who's like fucking 19 or 20 at the time, he goes outside on the street and takes off his hat and puts his hat on the ground and starts doing a comedy show.
03:02:11.000 What? 0.89
03:02:12.000 In the middle of Montreal, Canada. 1.00
03:02:15.000 After we did Club Soda, we just did a giant fucking theater. 0.97
03:02:21.000 So we did this theater, and then afterwards, I'm like 24, 25. How old is Dave? 0.98
03:02:29.000 50?
03:02:30.000 Whatever he is.
03:02:31.000 49. We're young, right?
03:02:35.000 There's no way he's 49. He's a kid, bro.
03:02:37.000 How old is he?
03:02:38.000 49. You're a year younger?
03:02:41.000 I'm right on you.
03:02:43.000 That is crazy.
03:02:44.000 So I'm 25. That sucks, dude. 0.99
03:02:46.000 So I'm 25. I'm 25 and Dave is 19. Sorry, sorry. 0.98
03:02:52.000 That was too real.
03:02:53.000 Sorry, sorry, sorry.
03:02:55.000 I'm 25 and Dave is 19. He takes off his fucking hat and he puts it on the ground. 0.99
03:03:00.000 He starts doing outside stand-up. 1.00
03:03:02.000 No mic?
03:03:03.000 No mic.
03:03:04.000 Just calling people over.
03:03:06.000 Wow.
03:03:06.000 People are walking down the street.
03:03:07.000 That's fucking nuts. 1.00
03:03:08.000 He starts doing street stand-up. 1.00
03:03:09.000 That's insane. 1.00
03:03:10.000 If I saw someone doing that, dude, if I saw someone doing that, I'd be like, fuck that guy. 1.00
03:03:14.000 Fuck that guy. 1.00
03:03:15.000 That guy's fucked up. 1.00
03:03:16.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:03:17.000 Well, Charlie Barnett was his hero, and he was a street performer. 1.00
03:03:20.000 But I'm telling you, if you were there when it happened, you wouldn't be like, fuck that guy. 0.99
03:03:25.000 Yeah, was that good? 1.00
03:03:26.000 Because you would be laughing. 1.00
03:03:27.000 Damn. 1.00
03:03:27.000 He had this smile on his face, and everybody was like, I want to be a part of whatever this fucking guy's doing. 1.00
03:03:35.000 Yeah, Dave Chappelle's about as fucking cool as it gets. 0.98
03:03:37.000 He's so cool. 0.99
03:03:38.000 As they say. 0.99
03:03:39.000 He's so fucking cool. 0.96
03:03:40.000 He's as cool as it gets. 0.98
03:03:41.000 Just hearing him talk, you're like...
03:03:43.000 Wow, I'm here for this.
03:03:45.000 Even the guy that tackled him and tried to stab him was sad afterwards.
03:03:50.000 He was like, hey man, it was cool when I tackled him. 0.99
03:03:53.000 Also, the guy who attacked him got his ass beat by Jamie Foxx and Busta Rhymes. 0.99
03:03:58.000 Even Jon Stewart got some kicks. 0.99
03:04:01.000 Like a 5'6 Jewish guy. 1.00
03:04:02.000 Jewish ass, bitch ass. 1.00
03:04:04.000 He tried to murder his fucking... 1.00
03:04:06.000 Now you're gonna fucking talk to me? 1.00
03:04:08.000 What happened? 1.00
03:04:09.000 Five years you stood up and he's still shitting on us. 0.99
03:04:12.000 What happened? 1.00
03:04:13.000 Yeah, what the hell? 1.00
03:04:13.000 John Stewart fucking stomps him. 1.00
03:04:15.000 What, John Stewart? 1.00
03:04:16.000 What? 1.00
03:04:16.000 I'm saying Mel Gibson to the fucking bitch. 1.00
03:04:18.000 You guys are off. 1.00
03:04:21.000 Can you hand me that letter there, Jewface? 1.00
03:04:23.000 What happened with Jon Stewart?
03:04:25.000 What?
03:04:25.000 I don't know.
03:04:26.000 I was saying Jamie Foxx and Busta Rhymes beat the shit out of the guy who rushed him at the Hollywood Bowl.
03:04:31.000 Why are you bringing Jon Stewart into this? 0.56
03:04:32.000 They brought Jon. 1.00
03:04:33.000 Jon Stewart is the fucking man. 1.00
03:04:35.000 He just needs to start eating meat again. 1.00
03:04:37.000 I think Jon Stewart's cool as shit. 0.99
03:04:38.000 We can bring him back. 1.00
03:04:39.000 He needs to eat bison and start doing deadlifts.
03:04:42.000 He's never been a person.
03:04:43.000 I saw him at the garden. 0.99
03:04:44.000 John Stewart's a beast.
03:04:45.000 He's a good person.
03:04:47.000 John Stewart's a good person.
03:04:49.000 He is.
03:04:49.000 He takes a lot of photos with Chappelle and doesn't apologize.
03:04:52.000 Does not apologize for a photo with a friend.
03:04:54.000 You know what his worst crime is, and it's not even his fault, is that he inspired...
03:04:59.000 Petophilia.
03:05:03.000 I apologize for my actions.
03:05:04.000 He inspired a generation of political comedy that just, they can't do it like him.
03:05:12.000 He was so good at it.
03:05:13.000 He was the best.
03:05:14.000 He's the best.
03:05:14.000 He made it silly and fun.
03:05:16.000 He was the best.
03:05:16.000 And you know, he was the second.
03:05:18.000 There was someone who hosted that show before.
03:05:20.000 Craig Kilbourne.
03:05:21.000 Talk Soap.
03:05:22.000 That's right.
03:05:22.000 Craig Kilbourne.
03:05:24.000 Who was good. 1.00
03:05:24.000 He was good, but apparently he was kind of an asshole. 1.00
03:05:28.000 That's the rumor. 1.00
03:05:29.000 That's the rumor.
03:05:30.000 Nobody could do it like him.
03:05:32.000 He was great.
03:05:32.000 Stuart was the best!
03:05:34.000 And he's like helping veterans. 0.87
03:05:35.000 He kind of was the precursor to you, where he was like this news source they all went to, but he's like, I'm also a community just fucking around.
03:05:42.000 Why aren't the regular news sources doing this?
03:05:44.000 Actually, true.
03:05:44.000 A little bit.
03:05:45.000 For sure.
03:05:45.000 Good call there, Stash.
03:05:47.000 But I didn't mean to do it.
03:05:48.000 I think they meant to do it.
03:05:51.000 Stewart?
03:05:51.000 Yeah, that's what they were doing.
03:05:54.000 Lampooning the news.
03:05:54.000 Do you ever get bummed about the weight on your shoulders?
03:05:57.000 Are you just trying to run a show and hang out and talk to people and everybody's like, ah, you're evil or whatever.
03:06:04.000 I think I'm oddly built for this.
03:06:06.000 You are built for it. 0.99
03:06:07.000 You must be in the shower going, god damn, I'm just trying to talk. 0.99
03:06:11.000 There's so many people that don't. 0.99
03:06:13.000 That don't feel that way.
03:06:14.000 You have to be objective.
03:06:17.000 And if you spend enough time thinking about how you think and what you believe and why you believe what you believe, that's the most important thing.
03:06:24.000 Why do you believe what you believe?
03:06:26.000 Do you believe what you believe because it's self-serving?
03:06:28.000 Or do you believe what you believe because it's accurate?
03:06:31.000 What's your intentions?
03:06:33.000 What are you trying to put out there?
03:06:34.000 What are you trying to do?
03:06:35.000 And I feel good about all those things.
03:06:38.000 Yeah.
03:06:38.000 So if I feel good about all those things, I'm okay.
03:06:41.000 If I don't feel good about those things, then I want to correct it.
03:06:47.000 And I want to change the way I express myself.
03:06:51.000 And I think history will be kind to you.
03:06:53.000 You have a moral code.
03:06:54.000 I think so.
03:06:55.000 Thank you, Mark. 0.98
03:06:56.000 I think it will, because he gets shit in the moment, but I think... 0.95
03:07:00.000 I think history will be kind to you. 1.00
03:07:02.000 At the end of the day, a lot of the shit... 0.99
03:07:04.000 What you've been saying is for the people and whatever the hell. 0.99
03:07:08.000 I'm not trying to get too queefy here, but I think a lot of people couldn't take it and they would pull back or they would change or they would go with it.
03:07:19.000 That's okay.
03:07:19.000 That's normal.
03:07:20.000 It's normal.
03:07:21.000 But you won't.
03:07:21.000 I feel different about things all the time.
03:07:25.000 And I don't think the way people think about things at any given moment represents who they really are.
03:07:31.000 It represents how they feel about a specific instance.
03:07:35.000 And in a specific instance, you're dealing with a lot of different things.
03:07:38.000 You're dealing with the person's past... 0.99
03:07:42.000 Negative interactions, positive interactions, love, hate, fucking where they broke up, where they had an abortion. 1.00
03:07:48.000 Yeah, you're having a bad day. 0.99
03:07:49.000 You ever go through a breakup, they gotta go on stage the next night?
03:07:52.000 We're not the same.
03:07:52.000 This isn't my best.
03:07:53.000 I know you, but you're a fucking conglomeration of all my experiences with you. 0.99
03:07:57.000 True. 0.99
03:07:58.000 I've had good experiences with you, and I've had arguments with you.
03:08:02.000 I love you to death, but I know you as you.
03:08:06.000 And I know as you, I love you.
03:08:08.000 But I don't love me at my worst.
03:08:12.000 I don't love...
03:08:13.000 I don't.
03:08:14.000 Well, that's a very liberal mindset, ironically.
03:08:17.000 If you think about the worst things you've ever done in your whole life, you're like, why'd you do that? 1.00
03:08:21.000 Why'd you do it that way, fucking stupid? 1.00
03:08:23.000 Because you kind of had to do it that way to learn to not do it that way. 1.00
03:08:27.000 Yeah, we're human.
03:08:27.000 And you're dealing with all those things that happened to you before that happened.
03:08:31.000 You're dealing with your own life.
03:08:33.000 You're dealing with negatives and positives and failures and success.
03:08:37.000 You're dealing with...
03:08:38.000 Feeling good about yourself and feeling depressed.
03:08:41.000 You're dealing with being dumped and being hit on. 1.00
03:08:44.000 You're dealing with all these different fucking variables. 0.98
03:08:46.000 And to pretend that a person is like a thing at one specific time, at that moment, and that's you forever, inescapable. 1.00
03:08:54.000 Fuck you! 1.00
03:08:56.000 Agreed. 1.00
03:08:56.000 Al Franken. 1.00
03:08:57.000 One photo of him doing this.
03:08:59.000 Al Franken needs better friends. 0.99
03:09:01.000 If Al Franken was on this fucking podcast and we got him high, he'd be like, yeah! 0.99
03:09:07.000 I didn't do anything! 1.00
03:09:09.000 I didn't do shit! 0.99
03:09:12.000 I know, but we define him as that. 1.00
03:09:14.000 Al Franken could be the fucking president. 0.99
03:09:16.000 He was the one guy that could have beat Trump. 1.00
03:09:19.000 You think?
03:09:20.000 Yeah.
03:09:20.000 Al Franken and Tulsi Gabbard.
03:09:23.000 He's like, I'll offset your shit. 1.00
03:09:25.000 He's geezed up now. 1.00
03:09:26.000 What does that mean?
03:09:27.000 He's an old man. 0.95
03:09:29.000 What is geezed up?
03:09:30.000 How is he geezed up and Trump isn't?
03:09:34.000 What does that mean, old?
03:09:37.000 Amphetamines! 0.89
03:09:38.000 He seems old.
03:09:39.000 Put him in the ring.
03:09:40.000 We'll see. 1.00
03:09:40.000 Oh, Trump will kill him, no doubt. 1.00
03:09:42.000 But, back in the day, Al Franken was the one dude that could have stopped Trump. 1.00
03:09:46.000 He drew the fucking entire- And the dumb pussy Democrats got rid of him. 1.00
03:09:50.000 Yes. 1.00
03:09:51.000 He drew the whole country in the exact right proportion.
03:09:55.000 He knows where all the states are.
03:09:56.000 He's brilliant.
03:09:57.000 No, he can draw the map.
03:09:59.000 I can do that.
03:10:00.000 Really?
03:10:01.000 Can you really?
03:10:02.000 Yeah, I can do that.
03:10:03.000 Can you do it like Al Franken?
03:10:05.000 I can, yes.
03:10:06.000 I don't know how he does it, but yes. 0.98
03:10:08.000 You're such a history dork. 0.96
03:10:10.000 I'm having a tough time talking. 0.99
03:10:12.000 Wow!
03:10:15.000 He drew that?
03:10:16.000 Yep.
03:10:16.000 That's incredible!
03:10:17.000 No, I can't do that. 0.98
03:10:22.000 He draws it fucking accurate! 0.98
03:10:24.000 Wait, where's Hawaii? 0.99
03:10:26.000 He does the outline and everything.
03:10:28.000 Illinois is bigger than it should be. 1.00
03:10:29.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00
03:10:31.000 It's incredible. 1.00
03:10:32.000 He's got the great legs.
03:10:33.000 He's got Long Island off to the edge there.
03:10:35.000 Look at that.
03:10:36.000 It's a good map.
03:10:37.000 It's not a great map.
03:10:39.000 It's a good map.
03:10:40.000 It's not the best map, but a lot of people are saying it's a very good map.
03:10:44.000 If I had one message to Al Franken, it would be do 15 minutes.
03:10:49.000 If I had one message, it would be testosterone replacement.
03:10:53.000 Start doing squats.
03:10:55.000 Let's go.
03:10:56.000 Yeah, he was the one guy who could have debated with Trump.
03:10:59.000 Yeah.
03:10:59.000 He would have been like a normal guy president.
03:11:01.000 Nobody could debate with Trump, dude.
03:11:02.000 He was the one guy that was like smart, liberal, and funny. 1.00
03:11:06.000 He's a fucking patriot! 0.99
03:11:07.000 That guy's a real patriot. 1.00
03:11:08.000 Yeah, he knows what he's talking about.
03:11:10.000 He has a deep appreciation of American history.
03:11:12.000 He really does.
03:11:13.000 He knows a lot.
03:11:14.000 He knows a lot.
03:11:16.000 Yeah, I could have done it.
03:11:18.000 Give me a Trump before you get in there.
03:11:21.000 We've got a lot of guys coming out here.
03:11:24.000 Jamie Foxx, Jamie Foxx, what a great guy.
03:11:27.000 Look at my African-American over there. 0.91
03:11:30.000 There you go.
03:11:31.000 America! 1.00
03:11:32.000 Hold on, can you play America, fuck yeah, the song? 1.00
03:11:36.000 Any given Sunday, what a movie, what a film. 1.00
03:11:40.000 I talked to Oliver Stone.
03:11:42.000 He said, could you make any given Sunday better?
03:11:46.000 I said, get Jamie Foxx in there.
03:11:48.000 I got Jamie Foxx in there.
03:11:50.000 I don't know if that's good.
03:11:51.000 I don't know if that's good.
03:11:52.000 It sounds great.
03:11:54.000 Does it?
03:11:54.000 Killer, yeah.
03:11:55.000 You're nailing it.
03:12:00.000 Dude, America's the best of all time.
03:12:02.000 I can't believe people would say otherwise.
03:12:05.000 We have NASCAR. You know what?
03:12:07.000 Nobody even tries it.
03:12:09.000 I know exactly where it's from.
03:12:10.000 How cool is that origin?
03:12:12.000 That's going to be a movie.
03:12:13.000 Moonshine.
03:12:14.000 Moonshine created NASCAR. Crazy.
03:12:17.000 There's not much more American than that.
03:12:21.000 Who's better than South Park?
03:12:22.000 No one.
03:12:24.000 You talk about how people want somebody to do one thing and then everyone else does it.
03:12:27.000 Nobody touched Scientology.
03:12:29.000 And then Matt and Trey were like, we're touching it.
03:12:32.000 They drew Muhammad inside a teddy bear costume. 1.00
03:12:35.000 And they put him inside a fucking bag. 1.00
03:12:38.000 Salman Rushdie got stabbed in the eye for that shit. 1.00
03:12:40.000 And Matt and Trey were like, nah, we're just gonna do it. 1.00
03:12:42.000 Salman Rushdie saw that episode like...
03:12:44.000 They said, can we have a guy dressed as...
03:12:50.000 Can we have Muhammad inside a teddy bear? 1.00
03:12:52.000 They said, no.
03:12:53.000 They said, what about inside an armored car?
03:12:56.000 And they said, hmm...
03:12:58.000 There you go.
03:12:59.000 At Comedy Central, if you wanted to get things through, you had to show something's been done before, whatever the word is.
03:13:05.000 Is that right?
03:13:06.000 Yeah.
03:13:06.000 So you go, you can't say this word.
03:13:08.000 And then I would have to research a bunch of TV shows.
03:13:10.000 Precedent.
03:13:10.000 Precedent.
03:13:11.000 A bunch of TV shows, because, hey, they did it here.
03:13:13.000 And they go, okay, we're going to uncensor it.
03:13:15.000 That's kind of the opposite of art, though.
03:13:17.000 Yeah.
03:13:18.000 Hey, who's done it before?
03:13:19.000 But every time I saw...
03:13:20.000 We were talking about the reason why Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzkin could do what they do, because they don't have a person over them.
03:13:27.000 Exactly.
03:13:27.000 You can't have Gillian Keeves with a person over them.
03:13:31.000 You can't have Gillian Keeves without freedom.
03:13:33.000 Committee.
03:13:34.000 Committee fucks up artists. 0.87
03:13:36.000 You can't have this! 0.98
03:13:37.000 Imagine! 1.00
03:13:37.000 Imagine we had a fucking NBC executive going. 1.00
03:13:40.000 I'll tell you what. 0.99
03:13:41.000 I don't know about that.
03:13:42.000 Imagine if this was going on during Fear Factor.
03:13:44.000 They would have hated that. 0.99
03:13:45.000 You're gonna kill us all! 1.00
03:13:47.000 They would have hated the ring tarts. 0.99
03:13:48.000 What if it changed?
03:13:49.000 Happy icebergs! 0.89
03:13:50.000 Put it 20 minutes on tarts.
03:13:52.000 Once you guys started bonging beers.
03:13:54.000 Yeah, exactly.
03:13:55.000 America!
03:13:56.000 America!
03:13:56.000 Oh, but here's what they told me.
03:13:58.000 When I go, hey, Cartman did it, so he's like, where are I saying it?
03:14:02.000 They go, South Park doesn't count.
03:14:03.000 Really?
03:14:03.000 They're above the law.
03:14:05.000 They're our Jesus.
03:14:08.000 South Park is our Jesus.
03:14:10.000 Comedy Central knows South Park is God.
03:14:13.000 No.
03:14:13.000 Comedy Central is no longer a network.
03:14:15.000 Oh, really?
03:14:16.000 It also helps that it makes a ton of money.
03:14:19.000 Comedy Central is South Park.
03:14:21.000 Without South Park, it's like SiriusXLM without Stern.
03:14:26.000 Sirius without Stern is not Sirius.
03:14:28.000 It doesn't exist.
03:14:29.000 They have to keep giving him those $100 million a year bonuses.
03:14:33.000 Stern got queefy.
03:14:34.000 South Park never did. 0.99
03:14:35.000 Listen, what the fuck ever. 1.00
03:14:37.000 If he leaves, they die. 1.00
03:14:39.000 The bonfire will carry them through. 0.99
03:14:42.000 They die like Lake Mead. 1.00
03:14:44.000 Did you see South Park jokingly cover their ass with Tolkien? 1.00
03:14:50.000 Oh my god, that was great. 0.99
03:14:51.000 J.R.R. Tolkien?
03:14:52.000 What do you mean jokingly cover their ass? 0.99
03:14:54.000 Tolkien? 0.99
03:14:55.000 Tolkien.
03:14:56.000 They had a black character named Tolkien.
03:14:57.000 There's a black character named Tolkien.
03:14:58.000 Oh, I thought you meant like the guy who wrote The Hobbit.
03:15:01.000 Well, that's the joke.
03:15:02.000 Joe, their name with this one black character was Tolkien.
03:15:06.000 T-O-L-K-E-N. T-O-K-E-N. Like Tolkien.
03:15:10.000 For ten years it was Tolkien.
03:15:12.000 It was Tolkien.
03:15:12.000 And then recently they were like, actually his name was Tolkien because we love...
03:15:18.000 J.R. And they go, why?
03:15:21.000 What did you think it meant?
03:15:22.000 What did you think it meant?
03:15:23.000 Racist?
03:15:24.000 Genius!
03:15:25.000 It was Tolkien in the script with an L and an I. We gotta put a statue up for these guys.
03:15:31.000 Ten years they said Tolkien.
03:15:31.000 Trey Parker and Matt's...
03:15:33.000 They rule the most.
03:15:35.000 When the teacher...
03:15:36.000 They rule the most. 1.00
03:15:37.000 When the teacher stuffed Paris Hilton up her ass. 1.00
03:15:42.000 Oh my god. 1.00
03:15:42.000 Up his ass. 1.00
03:15:44.000 It was the greatest moment in television history. 1.00
03:15:46.000 Mr. Slade.
03:15:47.000 Oh my god.
03:15:47.000 Is that the greatest moment?
03:15:49.000 I also love when hilarious, brilliant people are silly and lowbrow.
03:15:54.000 It's like, Louie's great at that. 1.00
03:15:56.000 You know, he's obviously this brilliant guy, but he's saying crazy, fucked up, twisted shit. 1.00
03:15:59.000 Yeah, you act like Louie's just like crazy, high-level guy. 1.00
03:16:01.000 And I saw him at the Stellar once, and he was like doing a bit, and then 10 minutes and then he looked down on his fucking stupid fat belly. 1.00
03:16:06.000 He had some crumbs, and he was like, I fucking... 1.00
03:16:09.000 What the fuck is wrong with me? 1.00
03:16:11.000 It was like, he's a schmendrick! 1.00
03:16:13.000 And you guys are treating him like he's a fucking academic! 0.99
03:16:16.000 Well, he's also a god, dude. 1.00
03:16:17.000 Fuck you! 1.00
03:16:18.000 How dare you! 1.00
03:16:18.000 He's one of the best. 1.00
03:16:19.000 Louie's a god.
03:16:20.000 Easily.
03:16:20.000 Play this.
03:16:21.000 The Whore Challenge. 0.97
03:16:22.000 Louie's the god. 0.97
03:16:23.000 I know.
03:16:25.000 Mr. Slave tries to convince the children there's more to life. 1.00
03:16:32.000 Then partying and playing a whore. 1.00
03:16:35.000 Sweetie, listen. 1.00
03:16:37.000 Play it.
03:16:37.000 It's not the part of the word that you're welcome for.
03:16:39.000 Play that part.
03:16:40.000 They're on stage.
03:16:41.000 Just keep playing that.
03:16:42.000 Oh, sorry.
03:16:42.000 Which, by the way, I think he might be right.
03:16:45.000 Alright, play the whore off. 1.00
03:16:46.000 What? 0.99
03:16:46.000 South Park's always right. 0.99
03:16:48.000 They're right.
03:16:48.000 That's the problem.
03:16:49.000 Yeah, yeah.
03:16:49.000 What is this?
03:16:50.000 Look at this. 1.00
03:16:51.000 The whore off. 1.00
03:16:52.000 This is in 2004. Eighteen years ago. 0.98
03:16:56.000 The South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual Who is the Biggest Whore showdown. 1.00
03:17:06.000 The description of this is, I know Paris Hilton is a big whore. 1.00
03:17:10.000 Wow. 1.00
03:17:12.000 I mean, that was her thing, dude.
03:17:17.000 Oh my god.
03:17:18.000 Nah.
03:17:25.000 He's just like, whatever.
03:17:27.000 Dry humping. 0.88
03:17:29.000 Come on, Mr. Slave.
03:17:31.000 Come on, Mr. Slave.
03:17:33.000 Come on, Mr. Slave.
03:17:34.000 Mr. Slave.
03:17:36.000 His name is Mr. Slave. 1.00
03:17:38.000 Pineapple up her fucking pussy. 1.00
03:17:43.000 People are there. 1.00
03:17:45.000 Ta-da! 1.00
03:17:47.000 She's got the fucking leaves coming out of her fucking skirt. 1.00
03:17:51.000 No, she didn't. 1.00
03:17:52.000 Randy's one of the greatest characters.
03:17:56.000 Mr. Slave.
03:17:59.000 He's up.
03:18:00.000 He checks the wind.
03:18:02.000 You see how he licks his finger?
03:18:03.000 Hold on, go back to that.
03:18:05.000 Go back to that.
03:18:05.000 Yeah, he checks his finger.
03:18:07.000 It's so nice to do beer bongs and then just watch that park.
03:18:10.000 Watch him lick his finger. 0.52
03:18:11.000 Watch him lick his finger. 0.52
03:18:12.000 He judges the wind.
03:18:16.000 Great detail.
03:18:18.000 Devil's in the details.
03:18:19.000 That's amazing!
03:18:21.000 I've never seen this.
03:18:22.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
03:18:26.000 He takes his pants off! 0.95
03:18:28.000 And he covers his cack! 0.94
03:18:31.000 Oh my god!
03:18:34.000 Oh my god! 1.00
03:18:35.000 He shoves her into his asshole! 1.00
03:18:43.000 Look at this guy! 1.00
03:18:47.000 That's an eight mile moment.
03:18:48.000 Is that the greatest moment in television history?
03:18:51.000 It's up there. 0.99
03:18:52.000 And he has to shit her out. 0.99
03:18:54.000 It's up there. 1.00
03:18:54.000 He's gonna shit her out. 1.00
03:18:55.000 Don't applaud me. 1.00
03:18:56.000 I'm a dirty whore. 1.00
03:18:59.000 Being spoiled and stupid and whores is supposed to be a bad thing, remember? 1.00
03:19:05.000 Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it? 1.00
03:19:11.000 You have to be the...
03:19:12.000 You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters start looking up to the wrong people.
03:19:19.000 The homosexual is right. 1.00
03:19:25.000 We're sorry about your names. 1.00
03:19:26.000 Like, not stupid and not spoiled? 1.00
03:19:28.000 Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore. 1.00
03:19:30.000 Wow. 1.00
03:19:31.000 I didn't mean to say you weren't.
03:19:32.000 South Park's been right.
03:19:35.000 It should be president.
03:19:37.000 Never failed.
03:19:38.000 South Park's been right about everything.
03:19:40.000 South Park, vice president, the other guy president.
03:19:43.000 Oh, the sheriff?
03:19:44.000 Yeah, the sheriff.
03:19:45.000 Jesus Christ.
03:19:46.000 We can fix this.
03:19:47.000 We can fix everything.
03:19:48.000 They've never once backed down.
03:19:52.000 Here's one of the weakest moments I had in my life.
03:19:54.000 I was against Tiger Woods.
03:19:57.000 Why?
03:19:58.000 I was a young man. 1.00
03:19:59.000 When he was getting canceled, I was like, fuck this guy. 1.00
03:20:02.000 What, for cheating? 1.00
03:20:02.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:20:03.000 I was young. 1.00
03:20:04.000 I didn't know I was being a fucking dumb pussy. 1.00
03:20:06.000 How old? 1.00
03:20:08.000 I don't know what year did that happen.
03:20:10.000 I don't care.
03:20:11.000 Anyway, I was a young man.
03:20:13.000 And then I watched South Park and they did an episode about sex addiction and they were like, who's against this? 1.00
03:20:20.000 As soon as I watched it, I was like, damn, I'm gay as fuck. 1.00
03:20:26.000 I just watched it, I was like, damn, I'm just wrong. 1.00
03:20:29.000 The Simpsons has to see South Park and go, damn, we could have been that. 0.99
03:20:33.000 They were for a while. 0.99
03:20:37.000 I'm a Simpsons guy.
03:20:38.000 It's a different thing.
03:20:39.000 2011?
03:20:42.000 She's beating him up with a golf club. 0.99
03:20:43.000 Me and Renazisi were doing a commercial, EA Sports Tiger Woods.
03:20:47.000 We had to fly to Orlando.
03:20:49.000 Really?
03:20:49.000 To meet Tiger Woods.
03:20:51.000 What?
03:20:51.000 Play Tiger Woods golf against him.
03:20:53.000 It's unreal.
03:20:53.000 You got all these opportunities.
03:20:55.000 I just coattail ride for Renazisi. 0.99
03:20:57.000 You stink. 0.99
03:20:58.000 Whatever happened to Renazisi? 0.99
03:20:59.000 He's still great.
03:21:00.000 He's still around.
03:21:01.000 He died. 0.99
03:21:01.000 And we had to talk trash to him. 0.99
03:21:03.000 Get him talking trash. 0.99
03:21:04.000 They said, don't be dirty around him. 1.00
03:21:06.000 Bitch. 1.00
03:21:07.000 You gotta be clean. 1.00
03:21:08.000 It's before all the fucking shit came out. 1.00
03:21:09.000 Right. 0.99
03:21:10.000 And we're like, hi, how you guys doing? 1.00
03:21:12.000 And he goes, you guys ready to do this shit? 1.00
03:21:14.000 Whoa, what? 1.00
03:21:15.000 Wait, we're supposed to be clean.
03:21:16.000 So then later they're like, hey, do you guys want anything to drink or something?
03:21:19.000 Tea, coffee?
03:21:20.000 And Steve's like, oh, I don't like hot liquids.
03:21:24.000 And Tiger Woods goes, I got some hot liquid for you right here. 1.00
03:21:27.000 No, shut the fuck up. 1.00
03:21:29.000 He's the coolest guy. 1.00
03:21:31.000 The coolest guy.
03:21:32.000 And I said, hey, let's go out.
03:21:34.000 There was a golf course right there.
03:21:35.000 I'm like, let's go out there.
03:21:35.000 You sit in there.
03:21:36.000 We'll just go group by group and go, you got to speed it up.
03:21:40.000 Speaking of miscalculations, you guys watch the Manti Teo?
03:21:44.000 I haven't seen it yet.
03:21:45.000 Everybody's talking about it.
03:21:46.000 He's telling this crazy story about Tiger Woods.
03:21:48.000 I didn't know.
03:21:48.000 I thought the story was over.
03:21:49.000 It's over.
03:21:50.000 Go ahead. 1.00
03:21:51.000 If the story's not over, I'm stupid. 0.99
03:21:53.000 It's over. 0.99
03:21:54.000 Go ahead.
03:21:54.000 Manti Teo.
03:21:54.000 No, all I got is, did you see the show?
03:21:57.000 I can't believe you haven't read this story before.
03:21:58.000 This is insane.
03:21:59.000 Hold on.
03:21:59.000 What happened?
03:22:01.000 He's hanging out with Tiger Woods.
03:22:03.000 Wow.
03:22:04.000 The point is, what are you trying to say?
03:22:06.000 He's a really cool guy.
03:22:07.000 He's cool.
03:22:08.000 Here's what I believe.
03:22:09.000 I knew I was right.
03:22:10.000 I knew the end of the story was there.
03:22:12.000 It was a 10 seconds off.
03:22:14.000 If you lived that guy's life, you would be him.
03:22:17.000 And if he lived your life, he would be you.
03:22:21.000 That's what's real.
03:22:22.000 Yeah.
03:22:22.000 He's cool.
03:22:23.000 And the Mansi Teo thing, if you were that guy, you would be him.
03:22:26.000 And you would get duped, too. 0.54
03:22:27.000 If you grew up some Christian virgin. 0.99
03:22:29.000 And some lady's like, I actually like you. 1.00
03:22:30.000 Everybody is susceptible. 0.97
03:22:32.000 And the more we fucking realize that... 0.97
03:22:34.000 The problem is we're not realizing that everybody's susceptible. 0.98
03:22:37.000 We're thinking, I wouldn't get caught with that.
03:22:39.000 You wouldn't get caught with that because your dad's a good guy. 1.00
03:22:42.000 And your mom is a fucking physicist. 1.00
03:22:44.000 And you live in Long Island. 1.00
03:22:46.000 And you read a lot of books.
03:22:48.000 That's a good point. 1.00
03:22:48.000 But if you were fucked... 1.00
03:22:50.000 And you were that guy. 1.00
03:22:51.000 You would be that guy. 1.00
03:22:52.000 In every fucking situation. 1.00
03:22:54.000 In every crackhead that's on the court. 1.00
03:22:57.000 Those fucking people we saw today when we were at the gas station. 1.00
03:22:59.000 Yeah, that was wild. 1.00
03:23:00.000 How about the gas station?
03:23:02.000 Let's talk about the gas station today.
03:23:03.000 Insane.
03:23:04.000 It was like GTA out there.
03:23:04.000 It's like, I couldn't save them.
03:23:06.000 Her neck went out, and then her head started. 0.97
03:23:09.000 Her nose was gone. 0.99
03:23:10.000 She had a fucking terrible scar all over her forehead. 0.99
03:23:14.000 It was bleeding, and her nose was bleeding. 0.99
03:23:16.000 So she... 0.98
03:23:17.000 Face planted recently.
03:23:18.000 She looked like Nate Diaz round four.
03:23:20.000 Worse.
03:23:21.000 Nate would be happy to look like that.
03:23:24.000 He could still keep going. 1.00
03:23:26.000 Yeah, she was fucked up. 1.00
03:23:27.000 It was very fun to watch a homeless lady whose face was destroyed approach Rogi's. 1.00
03:23:35.000 I was.
03:23:36.000 All I wanted was a spinning body kick. 0.98
03:23:41.000 I wasn't worried about her. 0.88
03:23:42.000 That would have shattered her.
03:23:43.000 Yeah, the other guy.
03:23:44.000 The dude who showed up.
03:23:45.000 The white guy?
03:23:46.000 The dude who came over.
03:23:47.000 I just said no.
03:23:48.000 Protect the money, man?
03:23:49.000 He was too healthy.
03:23:51.000 I saw him coming over.
03:23:52.000 I was in the passenger seat.
03:23:53.000 I was like, let me protect the money.
03:23:55.000 He was like 28. Let me protect our fucking guy. 1.00
03:23:58.000 Let me walk around the front. 1.00
03:23:59.000 Yeah, that guy was like, he was like well-fed, cracked out.
03:24:04.000 He was a problem.
03:24:05.000 He could have been a problem.
03:24:06.000 He was an issue.
03:24:06.000 I had to say to him, no.
03:24:09.000 Yeah, no.
03:24:10.000 No.
03:24:11.000 He just, you guys, no.
03:24:13.000 Yeah, shut it down early.
03:24:15.000 Shut it down.
03:24:15.000 That was a bad gas station.
03:24:18.000 Those exist all over the country, but that was the worst.
03:24:21.000 I've been there before.
03:24:23.000 I pulled in before and just go, nah, and just pulled off.
03:24:26.000 But I wasn't worried about the guy as much as I was sad about the lady.
03:24:29.000 The lady was so disturbing to me. 1.00
03:24:31.000 That was bad.
03:24:32.000 That was a lady that probably fostered, oh, look, someone's going to go pee. 1.00
03:24:36.000 Where you going, bitch? 1.00
03:24:37.000 I'm going to go pee. 1.00
03:24:44.000 I'm not even thinking about it.
03:24:46.000 Your headphones are back on. 1.00
03:24:47.000 Fucking dork! 1.00
03:24:49.000 Give me another beer, bitch. 1.00
03:24:51.000 Bust out that fucking eagle. 1.00
03:24:53.000 Let's go! 1.00
03:24:55.000 I'll be honest.
03:24:55.000 The reason I was going out there was to get more beers.
03:24:58.000 That's all.
03:24:59.000 I'll get more.
03:24:59.000 You stay right here.
03:25:01.000 Ari's going to go get them. 1.00
03:25:03.000 Ari's going to get more beers. 1.00
03:25:05.000 There's still a full beer for you? 1.00
03:25:06.000 You coward. 1.00
03:25:13.000 It's still cold. 1.00
03:25:14.000 No, the only reason I went out there was to get more beers.
03:25:17.000 Yeah, yeah.
03:25:18.000 Have a seat.
03:25:19.000 I'll take care of that.
03:25:21.000 Joe, I swear to God.
03:25:23.000 This is a Mexican standoff here. 1.00
03:25:25.000 Joe, I'll die. 1.00
03:25:26.000 I'll die right here. 1.00
03:25:27.000 I'll literally piss right here. 0.84
03:25:29.000 And I am going to donate money to the charity of your choice.
03:25:33.000 Oh, man. 1.00
03:25:34.000 After you perish.
03:25:36.000 After you perish in this fruitless race.
03:25:38.000 This is going to be an R. Kelly situation.
03:25:40.000 I've got real problems when it comes to this kind of stuff.
03:25:43.000 Competition.
03:25:43.000 This will go on forever.
03:25:46.000 When it comes to the only thing I can beat you in is drinking and not peeing.
03:25:51.000 Maybe.
03:25:52.000 No, no, definitely.
03:25:54.000 You can beat him in drinking, but he will win on peeing.
03:25:57.000 But volume is just like, how much do you weigh?
03:26:01.000 260. I weigh 199 this morning.
03:26:04.000 I don't know what that means.
03:26:06.000 199 is like 199 with like 15 drinks.
03:26:10.000 This is getting ugly, folks.
03:26:11.000 We gotta turn these mics off.
03:26:13.000 Joe, I promise.
03:26:14.000 To the death.
03:26:15.000 I promise!
03:26:16.000 There's a lot of things you can beat me in.
03:26:17.000 Sweetie.
03:26:18.000 Everything.
03:26:19.000 Sweetie.
03:26:20.000 But when it comes to drinking?
03:26:22.000 Volume.
03:26:22.000 For sure volume.
03:26:23.000 I'll chug a fucking bottle of fucking whiskey. 1.00
03:26:26.000 Yeah, volume. 1.00
03:26:27.000 But take it, Kat.
03:26:28.000 I mean, you're saying volume.
03:26:31.000 I don't know how...
03:26:32.000 But how long can you wait before you have to pee?
03:26:34.000 I can hold off.
03:26:36.000 Because I can wait forever.
03:26:38.000 I'll die. 0.90
03:26:38.000 I'll die to witness. 0.90
03:26:40.000 Have you pissed yet? 0.95
03:26:40.000 No. 0.95
03:26:40.000 Oh. 0.95
03:26:41.000 Yeah, but he hasn't drank shit. 0.99
03:26:42.000 I drank a lot. 0.99
03:26:44.000 That's why I can't talk that good. 0.97
03:26:45.000 You drank a cowardly amount. 0.85
03:26:47.000 Well.
03:26:47.000 I drank multiple bonkets.
03:26:49.000 I'm drinking water also.
03:26:50.000 You got water?
03:26:52.000 I haven't had a sip of water in a lot of hours.
03:26:54.000 What's it called?
03:26:55.000 Wouldn't you do that?
03:26:56.000 Eagle thing?
03:26:58.000 Shot? 0.99
03:26:58.000 Asshole? 0.99
03:26:59.000 What's it called? 0.96
03:27:01.000 I don't know. 1.00
03:27:01.000 Jamie brought this bullshit. 1.00
03:27:03.000 It's a beer bong. 1.00
03:27:03.000 Beer bong. 1.00
03:27:04.000 There you go.
03:27:05.000 But it's like, whatever it is.
03:27:07.000 I've drank a couple of those. 0.97
03:27:09.000 Eagle cum. 1.00
03:27:10.000 Multiple. 0.98
03:27:10.000 There's not much whiskey left. 0.98
03:27:12.000 You got that right.
03:27:14.000 I had a bunch of Bud Lights.
03:27:16.000 Don't try to diminish my participation.
03:27:19.000 Joe, I'm not saying your participation is diminished.
03:27:23.000 Oh boy.
03:27:24.000 The problem is you've set a precedent.
03:27:26.000 I did.
03:27:27.000 I set a nasty precedent.
03:27:29.000 And you're going to have to pee before me. 0.98
03:27:31.000 Oh baby! 0.75
03:27:32.000 For sure.
03:27:32.000 For sure.
03:27:33.000 You have to decide what you're going to do.
03:27:38.000 It's up to you.
03:27:39.000 I'm here to mediate.
03:27:40.000 It's up to you.
03:27:41.000 You've peed twice now.
03:27:43.000 Yeah, I mean, I didn't know there was a competition going on.
03:27:46.000 I give it to Shane.
03:27:47.000 Once he realizes the competition, it starts then.
03:27:50.000 Once the competition starts, let me pee first. 0.81
03:27:52.000 There's places that we can go.
03:27:54.000 Wait a minute, Shane's got a breathalyzer over there.
03:27:56.000 What is that thing?
03:27:57.000 A breathalyzer!
03:27:58.000 Oh, let's check Rogan, because I don't think he's that hammer.
03:28:01.000 Let's see what's going on.
03:28:03.000 Sober as an eagle.
03:28:04.000 I'll bet you he's more sober than me.
03:28:07.000 I'm probably more sober than you, but that has nothing to do with peas.
03:28:12.000 Zero peas.
03:28:13.000 You gotta give it up, guys.
03:28:14.000 I'll respect it, but he hasn't drank as much as me.
03:28:16.000 I drank quadruple what he drank.
03:28:19.000 You definitely drank more.
03:28:22.000 Let's all drive out of here.
03:28:23.000 What do I have to do, Jamie?
03:28:25.000 I'm gonna take to the road.
03:28:28.000 Also, Rogan has years of training of this podcast. 0.99
03:28:35.000 He's sitting with Boring Nottenberg and whatever the fuck. 0.98
03:28:40.000 Lex Friedman and Weinstein. 0.99
03:28:42.000 I'm going to keep blowing.
03:28:43.000 Lex Friedman's...
03:28:45.000 Zuckerberg, boy, that was a snooze fest, huh?
03:28:48.000 I don't know how you do it.
03:28:49.000 Oh, so boring.
03:28:53.000 Zuckerberg.
03:28:53.000 It died, Jamie.
03:28:55.000 It died!
03:28:56.000 That's how drunk you are. 1.00
03:28:57.000 Damn, you broke it. 1.00
03:28:59.000 Nice job, Tiger Woods. 0.99
03:29:00.000 I'm not planning on driving.
03:29:02.000 Okay.
03:29:03.000 Alright, here we go.
03:29:05.000 Seven.
03:29:08.000 Kids out there, never breathe into a breathalyzer.
03:29:10.000 Make them take your blood. 0.82
03:29:12.000 Yeah.
03:29:13.000 Yeah.
03:29:13.000 Get that extra hour.
03:29:15.000 Carry peanut butter in your glove compartment.
03:29:19.000 Really?
03:29:19.000 Toss that in your mouth?
03:29:20.000 It hides the alcohol?
03:29:22.000 Yeah.
03:29:22.000 Really?
03:29:23.000 Wow.
03:29:23.000 I got out of a ticket because of that.
03:29:24.000 Let's see what we got here.
03:29:28.000 What do you got?
03:29:29.000 0.08?
03:29:30.000 Spinning.
03:29:31.000 Uh-oh.
03:29:32.000 It's like, how is he alive?
03:29:36.000 Nothing.
03:29:38.000 0.009.
03:29:40.000 I'm legal to drive.
03:29:41.000 No, no.
03:29:42.000 0.009.
03:29:43.000 You're 1.01.
03:29:43.000 That's weak.
03:29:44.000 0.08 is the limit.
03:29:45.000 Oh, I'm almost ready to drive.
03:29:47.000 Give me an hour and I'll drive.
03:29:49.000 Wait, how did we not bring this out earlier?
03:29:51.000 JMO, good call.
03:29:52.000 Is that real?
03:29:52.000 Is that real, Jamie?
03:29:54.000 I'm pretty fucking hammered. 0.97
03:29:55.000 How can I drive with one tenth of this? 0.99
03:29:57.000 Well, the eagle bomb really puts you over the edge.
03:30:00.000 Oh, that's the weed.
03:30:02.000 I wouldn't go next.
03:30:03.000 I'd give it to Norman next.
03:30:04.000 How do I blow in this?
03:30:05.000 Give it to Norman next.
03:30:06.000 No, no, no.
03:30:07.000 Let it chain.
03:30:08.000 He's got it in his hand.
03:30:08.000 Don't be orchestrating.
03:30:10.000 He's going to be the number one.
03:30:11.000 What do I have to do?
03:30:13.000 Blow for five seconds.
03:30:14.000 It'll beep until you stop blowing.
03:30:16.000 Like my watch.
03:30:17.000 Did it count down?
03:30:18.000 Bye!
03:30:20.000 Is that countdown done?
03:30:22.000 That was perfect.
03:30:23.000 That was perfect.
03:30:25.000 Ah, there you go.
03:30:25.000 I'm a comedian.
03:30:26.000 Keep it in his mouth. 0.96
03:30:27.000 Here we go.
03:30:28.000 Oh, that's a tiny mouth.
03:30:30.000 You good?
03:30:31.000 You good?
03:30:31.000 You good?
03:30:33.000 Nice.
03:30:33.000 Wait a minute.
03:30:34.000 You guys are talking about oral herpes all night.
03:30:36.000 He switched it up.
03:30:37.000 We switched it up.
03:30:38.000 Oh, all right.
03:30:39.000 Can I get a new one, too?
03:30:40.000 Yeah.
03:30:41.000 What's it say?
03:30:42.000 I'm nothing.
03:30:43.000 No, you're not nothing.
03:30:44.000 I'm nice and easy.
03:30:46.000 Show it, bro.
03:30:47.000 No, I don't believe it.
03:30:48.000 .14.
03:30:49.000 Wow.
03:30:50.000 A little more hammered than me.
03:30:52.000 Almost 50% more.
03:30:53.000 More than 50% more.
03:30:56.000 Almost 50% more body mass.
03:30:58.000 More than 50% more.
03:30:59.000 No, no.
03:30:59.000 Blood, alcohol.
03:31:00.000 It's not about body mass.
03:31:01.000 No, we're talking about volume for peeing.
03:31:04.000 Oh.
03:31:06.000 My volume's insane, dude.
03:31:08.000 My volume's quadruple.
03:31:09.000 You're right.
03:31:11.000 I was trying to find a way that I could win.
03:31:13.000 I like it.
03:31:15.000 I respect that.
03:31:17.000 You beat me in almost everything.
03:31:19.000 You can't beat me in this.
03:31:20.000 No, no, no.
03:31:20.000 Joe, we'll see.
03:31:22.000 It's a fool's game, Joe. 0.98
03:31:23.000 Let's keep bonging beers. 1.00
03:31:25.000 Yes, keep bonging. 0.99
03:31:26.000 Joe, it's a fool's game. 0.99
03:31:27.000 Don't do it. 1.00
03:31:28.000 Only time will tell.
03:31:29.000 You'll back down.
03:31:30.000 You won't bong another one. 0.98
03:31:31.000 I'll find out.
03:31:32.000 Are you going to bong another one?
03:31:34.000 What?
03:31:35.000 Bong another one? 0.98
03:31:36.000 Yeah, for sure.
03:31:37.000 I was planning on doing that anyway.
03:31:40.000 I think I'm speaking too clearly.
03:31:43.000 That's.09 talking. 0.97
03:31:48.000 This is going to be pathetic, dude. 1.00
03:31:50.000 You're going to be embarrassed how much you don't drink. 1.00
03:31:52.000 I've had a lot of whiskey.
03:31:52.000 I've had more whiskey than you guys.
03:31:53.000 You don't drink anything, dude.
03:31:54.000 I've had a bunch of Bodega Cat available now online.
03:31:56.000 Look at this.
03:31:57.000 This is all me.
03:31:58.000 I hope you drank a sip before you did that.
03:32:01.000 I had a glass of that.
03:32:02.000 You might have the lowest.
03:32:03.000 The first thing we poured was Bodega Cat.
03:32:05.000 .09.
03:32:06.000 That's me.
03:32:06.000 Same as Joe.
03:32:08.000 Alright, alright.
03:32:09.000 Bunch of pink wearers out there. 1.00
03:32:11.000 Oh, but pink is a beautiful color.
03:32:12.000 I can't drive though, can I? I'll wear pink underwear.
03:32:14.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99
03:32:15.000 Can't drive, okay. 0.99
03:32:16.000 You can in Vancouver.
03:32:17.000 I mean, I can drive.
03:32:18.000 I'm a great drunk driver.
03:32:19.000 In Vancouver, you can drive?
03:32:19.000 No, no, no.
03:32:20.000 It's worse there. 1.00
03:32:21.000 Yeah, Canada sucks. 1.00
03:32:22.000 Yeah, but Alaska can't give a fuck. 1.00
03:32:24.000 Alaska, they encourage you to drive. 0.99
03:32:26.000 I'll be in Montreal and Toronto and Vancouver.
03:32:28.000 Like, if you hit a moose, you should be hammered.
03:32:30.000 Dude, I was in...
03:32:31.000 That's the only way to survive.
03:32:32.000 When I went to Australia...
03:32:34.000 Ari, here we go.
03:32:35.000 I got 15 seconds.
03:32:37.000 When I went to Australia, I had to fly Air Canada.
03:32:40.000 That doesn't make any sense.
03:32:41.000 Dude, they made me wear a mask the whole time.
03:32:43.000 It doesn't... 0.91
03:32:44.000 It's silly.
03:32:45.000 You keep people safe. 1.00
03:32:46.000 The mask was below my nose, and a fucking male stortus tapped my shoulder, like, hard, like... 0.99
03:32:53.000 Sir? 1.00
03:32:58.000 That's it.
03:32:59.000 Alright, what do you got, old man?
03:33:01.000 I say 7-4.
03:33:02.000 Ah, you see?
03:33:03.000 We're more than you. 1.00
03:33:04.000 No, shut up. 1.00
03:33:05.000 I'm definitely going to beat you guys. 1.00
03:33:07.000 I'm definitely going to beat you guys.
03:33:09.000 I'm going to beat Shane, but I probably will.
03:33:10.000 You're not going to beat me.
03:33:11.000 How are Bud Lights beating liquor?
03:33:13.000 Multiple.
03:33:14.000 0.6?
03:33:15.000 0.06.
03:33:16.000 I can drive.
03:33:17.000 Yeah, you can drive.
03:33:18.000 This is wrong!
03:33:21.000 No!
03:33:21.000 No way!
03:33:22.000 What do you mean, no way?
03:33:23.000 I've got liquor in me!
03:33:25.000 America trusts you!
03:33:26.000 No!
03:33:26.000 Plus four!
03:33:27.000 Three of those!
03:33:28.000 Plus three of these!
03:33:29.000 America trusts you!
03:33:30.000 Plus three of these!
03:33:32.000 No way!
03:33:35.000 Do you know in Texas, if you drink at all, if you have one drink, and you tell the officer you had a drink, they arrest you.
03:33:41.000 Dude, no way. 0.99
03:33:42.000 Ah, see, that sucks. 0.99
03:33:44.000 What? 0.99
03:33:45.000 Come on.
03:33:46.000 I'm trying to have abortions here, Joe. 0.99
03:33:47.000 I don't think they're legal.
03:33:49.000 No way.
03:33:52.000 Is it scary having kids?
03:33:53.000 You don't believe it?
03:33:54.000 I can drive right now in most states.
03:33:55.000 Yeah, you look good.
03:33:56.000 Are you scared of having kids?
03:33:58.000 You can definitely drive. 1.00
03:33:58.000 That's bullshit. 1.00
03:33:59.000 Stop losing confidence in yourself. 1.00
03:34:00.000 How do you feel?
03:34:01.000 I lose confidence in the system.
03:34:02.000 Feel wasted?
03:34:02.000 The system?
03:34:03.000 Yeah.
03:34:04.000 Or this little machine that we bought off Amazon.
03:34:06.000 The machine. 1.00
03:34:07.000 That's a bullshit machine. 1.00
03:34:09.000 No way. 1.00
03:34:10.000 I feel like I need at least six hours before I can drive.
03:34:13.000 I can definitely take to the road right now.
03:34:15.000 I can totally take to the road.
03:34:17.000 Let's do it.
03:34:17.000 Let's do it.
03:34:17.000 Joe, give us all Porsches.
03:34:18.000 Let's go. 1.00
03:34:19.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
03:34:21.000 Is it scary having kids? 1.00
03:34:24.000 What is that from?
03:34:26.000 That's a good question.
03:34:27.000 I'd like to have kids one day.
03:34:29.000 Do you want kids?
03:34:30.000 No way.
03:34:31.000 Definitely.
03:34:32.000 Yeah.
03:34:32.000 Seems like fun.
03:34:34.000 Ain't that five?
03:34:36.000 Joe, you're going to be banged up.
03:34:38.000 I can't wait to see Hammered Rogue.
03:34:42.000 Hold on. 1.00
03:34:45.000 Silent fart, shit. 1.00
03:34:47.000 Joe, what's it like being jacked, dude? 1.00
03:34:50.000 It's better than not being jacked.
03:34:52.000 Does it feel weird?
03:34:52.000 That's why I do it.
03:34:53.000 No.
03:34:54.000 It's a lot of work, though.
03:34:55.000 Yeah.
03:34:56.000 It's a lot of work, but it comes with mental health benefits.
03:34:59.000 That's true.
03:34:59.000 I bet.
03:34:59.000 That's true.
03:35:00.000 We worked out today, this morning, and I feel good.
03:35:02.000 I feel good about myself. 0.99
03:35:04.000 I wrote that the other day on Instagram because I was like, right after I got off this bike that I didn't want to fucking do, I did 45 minutes on this stupid fucking Airdyne Echo bike. 0.99
03:35:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98
03:35:14.000 I was like, this is good for you, man.
03:35:15.000 You should do it.
03:35:15.000 Everybody should do it.
03:35:16.000 And I didn't say it to, like, shame people don't do it.
03:35:19.000 I said it to, like, and people are like, oh, some professional athletes also experience anxiety.
03:35:24.000 So that negates what you're saying.
03:35:26.000 That's not true.
03:35:27.000 Like, it's good for everybody.
03:35:29.000 Everybody.
03:35:29.000 And I do it a lot because I think it's important for me.
03:35:33.000 I know it helps me. 0.93
03:35:35.000 If I can do tough shit or hard things, it helps me. 0.80
03:35:40.000 Everybody should. 0.94
03:35:41.000 They should.
03:35:43.000 It's not a matter of someone's better than you.
03:35:46.000 That's the problem.
03:35:48.000 People think about Republicans versus Democrats, right versus left, pro-abortion versus anti-abortion.
03:35:55.000 Burt versus Tom?
03:35:56.000 Yeah, same thing.
03:35:57.000 Garth Brooks versus serial killers. 1.00
03:35:59.000 It's all the same shit. 1.00
03:36:01.000 Muhammad Ali versus Bruce Lee. 1.00
03:36:03.000 We're all just fucking people, man. 1.00
03:36:05.000 Yeah, we're all just people. 1.00
03:36:06.000 The political bullshit stinks. 1.00
03:36:08.000 It's nonsense. 1.00
03:36:08.000 It's annoying. 1.00
03:36:09.000 They're just bores. 0.83
03:36:10.000 We don't have to get into that. 0.98
03:36:11.000 They're all bores. 0.98
03:36:11.000 We don't have to do it. 0.98
03:36:12.000 We don't have to do it.
03:36:17.000 America! 1.00
03:36:17.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00
03:36:18.000 Having kids is great. 1.00
03:36:20.000 Because you like people, right?
03:36:22.000 We're all people.
03:36:24.000 We came from babies.
03:36:25.000 Everybody that you love came from a child. 0.99
03:36:29.000 What about the early years when they're annoying and crying and shitting on your face?
03:36:32.000 What about the early years of stand-up, when you first started learning how to bomb? 0.99
03:36:36.000 What about fucking everything you've ever done in life, where you're trying to figure out what the fuck you're doing? 0.99
03:36:40.000 That's part of what life is, trying to figure out what you're doing. 1.00
03:36:43.000 There's no better representation of that than a child.
03:36:45.000 Yeah, well said. 0.99
03:36:47.000 Because you're getting them from the fucking very beginning. 0.98
03:36:49.000 I don't want to like that. 0.99
03:36:50.000 You're getting them from the very beginning.
03:36:52.000 That's why I had this conversation with you on the way over here.
03:36:54.000 I think you'd be a great dad.
03:36:56.000 I really do.
03:36:56.000 Oh, you'd be such a good dad.
03:36:58.000 You'd be a great dad.
03:36:59.000 But you're 57. He's 85 years old, but he's a good person.
03:37:02.000 Please don't exaggerate slightly.
03:37:04.000 Go full or not at all.
03:37:06.000 Not even 10 years.
03:37:07.000 It's not bad, man.
03:37:09.000 Everybody comes from people.
03:37:12.000 I'm getting better at it.
03:37:12.000 You don't recognize what a person is until you have a child and you realize that everybody used to be a baby.
03:37:18.000 Yes.
03:37:19.000 It's a real weird revelation that happens.
03:37:21.000 And a lot of my friends that have had kids, they've had the same revelation. 0.98
03:37:25.000 But isn't it scary that everybody's fucked up? 0.95
03:37:27.000 Yeah, it's scary, but everything's scary. 0.99
03:37:28.000 We all have our own problems. 0.98
03:37:30.000 Yeah, but Mark Norman, my whole fucking life is scary. 0.98
03:37:32.000 Everything I've ever done is scary. 0.98
03:37:34.000 You just gotta go for it.
03:37:35.000 You gotta be scared.
03:37:37.000 Everything I've ever done that's important has been scary.
03:37:39.000 That's a good point.
03:37:40.000 All of it.
03:37:41.000 No, Ari, every time you've ever done stand-up, if you've meant something that's important to you, it's scary.
03:37:45.000 But aren't you worried that you have two daughters?
03:37:48.000 Yeah, three.
03:37:49.000 I'm worried about everybody.
03:37:51.000 I'm worried about scary, too.
03:37:52.000 This is a bad idea.
03:37:53.000 But if you had children, I'd be worried about your children, too.
03:37:56.000 Of course.
03:37:56.000 I worry about people I don't know.
03:37:58.000 That fucking poor lady with the fucking vertical neck. 1.00
03:38:01.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00
03:38:02.000 The hunchback of the Texaco.
03:38:05.000 She might be a mom. 0.94
03:38:06.000 We don't know.
03:38:06.000 She was a baby.
03:38:07.000 At one point in time, that was a baby.
03:38:10.000 That was a baby with unlimited potential.
03:38:12.000 And she got the wrong set of circumstances, the wrong genetics, the wrong life choices, the wrong people around her, the wrong influences, foster care, who knows? 0.97
03:38:22.000 And now she's at a fucking gas station, cracked out with scabs all over her face and her nose, and she's begging for money so she can do meth. 1.00
03:38:31.000 Is that good or is that bad? 0.99
03:38:32.000 That's not good.
03:38:33.000 That's all of us, man.
03:38:35.000 If you lived that lady's life, you would be her. 1.00
03:38:38.000 That's what's the most fucked up. 0.99
03:38:40.000 The one thing that we don't want to admit is that we're all the products of all the individual experiences that we've had. 0.99
03:38:46.000 But my point is, your kids are gonna have their own fucked up-ness, and you just gotta... 0.98
03:38:52.000 Yeah, but you have yours. 0.99
03:38:53.000 That's what I'm saying.
03:38:54.000 You gotta accept that.
03:38:55.000 You have yours and you're beautiful.
03:38:55.000 You have yours and you're beautiful.
03:38:56.000 You go on stage, and you tell jokes, and people fucking howl laughing, and you change the world. 0.96
03:39:01.000 You make people feel better. 0.98
03:39:03.000 I know, but...
03:39:03.000 But that could be possible for everybody.
03:39:05.000 Just like, would you say that to a person who's just doing an open mic?
03:39:08.000 Don't do it.
03:39:09.000 You're gonna bomb. 1.00
03:39:09.000 You're gonna wanna kill yourself. 1.00
03:39:10.000 No, never. 0.75
03:39:10.000 People do say that to them. 0.75
03:39:12.000 It's wrong.
03:39:12.000 I know.
03:39:13.000 That's life.
03:39:14.000 That's all of life. 1.00
03:39:15.000 That's why it's important to do other shit. 0.99
03:39:17.000 That's why it's important to do difficult shit outside of stand-up. 0.99
03:39:20.000 Like, not just stand-up, man. 1.00
03:39:22.000 I mean, if you're a fucking painter, if you're a fucking guy who makes music, if you're a person who writes books, do difficult shit. 1.00
03:39:28.000 It's good for your brain. 1.00
03:39:30.000 I agree.
03:39:31.000 It's good for your brain.
03:39:32.000 But you're not worried about them?
03:39:34.000 I am worried about you.
03:39:35.000 I'm worried about them.
03:39:36.000 I'm worried about Shane.
03:39:37.000 I'm worried about Burt Kresher. 1.00
03:39:39.000 What the fuck? 1.00
03:39:39.000 If Burt Kresher dies of a fucking heart attack, I'll fucking be so sad, I'll be crying forever. 1.00
03:39:43.000 Burt Kresher will die this Sober October, and it will not stop our competition. 1.00
03:39:48.000 These guys keep wanting to do this.
03:39:50.000 I don't understand it.
03:39:52.000 I'll do Sober October.
03:39:54.000 No way.
03:39:55.000 No way.
03:39:56.000 Toss me in, dog.
03:39:58.000 When we were talking about...
03:40:01.000 We're talking about like...
03:40:03.000 What do you mean, no way?
03:40:04.000 A whole month of no booze? 1.00
03:40:06.000 Are you nuts? 1.00
03:40:07.000 No, are you crazy? 1.00
03:40:08.000 You can do it. 1.00
03:40:09.000 You're a negative force, though.
03:40:11.000 I mean, I want you to do it.
03:40:13.000 It's not impossible.
03:40:14.000 Maybe I think I couldn't do it.
03:40:15.000 I want you to do it.
03:40:16.000 I can't do it.
03:40:17.000 I like a cocktail.
03:40:18.000 It's good.
03:40:19.000 It's good every now and then.
03:40:20.000 I'm selling an alcohol. 0.99
03:40:21.000 It sucks every time. 0.93
03:40:23.000 I have a podcast called We Might Be Drunk. 0.98
03:40:25.000 That's all we do is drink. 0.99
03:40:27.000 You know it sucks. 1.00
03:40:28.000 I like things that suck. 1.00
03:40:28.000 I know, but it sucks. 1.00
03:40:29.000 I didn't mind it. 0.99
03:40:31.000 It sucks, right? 0.98
03:40:31.000 But you do mind it. 0.98
03:40:32.000 Well, the yoga thing sucks. 0.97
03:40:33.000 Because you know it's going to end. 0.99
03:40:34.000 You know it's going to end, but it sucks while it's going on. 0.88
03:40:36.000 Especially the first week. 0.97
03:40:38.000 It doesn't, but it's not suck.
03:40:40.000 Like, overall.
03:40:41.000 No, no, no. 0.99
03:40:42.000 But it sucks. 1.00
03:40:43.000 It sucks while it's happening. 1.00
03:40:44.000 But everything sucks. 0.99
03:40:45.000 It's good. 0.98
03:40:46.000 Looking back on them are great. 0.99
03:40:48.000 October 1st, you're like, God damn it. 0.96
03:40:50.000 My friend Steve Rinella told me something once. 0.98
03:40:53.000 He hosts this show, Meteor.
03:40:55.000 He's like this professional hunter character. 1.00
03:40:58.000 Holy shit! 1.00
03:40:59.000 That was the best take yet! 1.00
03:41:01.000 Wow!
03:41:02.000 Jamie is an animal.
03:41:03.000 Man, that was incredible. 1.00
03:41:05.000 Jamie is a fucking beast. 1.00
03:41:06.000 He's an animal. 1.00
03:41:09.000 There's a reason it's a swing state.
03:41:12.000 So, Steve Rinella said this to me, he says, it's fun that you have while you're having it, but you never think about it later.
03:41:19.000 Like riding a roller coaster.
03:41:21.000 It's fun while it's happening. 1.00
03:41:23.000 But you never talk about, like, man, I rode that roller coaster, and there's shit that sucks while you're doing it. 0.99
03:41:29.000 But after it's over, you have the best fucking stories. 0.99
03:41:33.000 Remember that time when we got trapped in the fucking snow, your car broke down? 0.99
03:41:36.000 We had to walk four miles, and our toes were numb, and we got to this place, and these people led us into their fucking house, and we were freezing our dick off. 0.99
03:41:45.000 We couldn't believe we survived. 0.99
03:41:47.000 That's amazing.
03:41:48.000 It is.
03:41:49.000 But that's the difference.
03:41:50.000 Right. 0.90
03:41:51.000 Having a child, like, is it gonna suck? 0.97
03:41:54.000 Yeah, if you're gonna have a regular life, there's gonna be moments that suck. 0.97
03:41:58.000 Did it suck for you? 0.98
03:41:59.000 Yeah, it sucked for me. 1.00
03:42:00.000 But it's gonna suck for every fucking human that's ever born. 1.00
03:42:04.000 Don't be scared of that. 0.99
03:42:05.000 That's what makes us us.
03:42:07.000 That's a good way to put it.
03:42:08.000 Seinfeld was on Comedians and Cars, and he had this badass, whatever, Porsche, and it kept breaking down. 0.72
03:42:14.000 And the other comic was like, this sucks, doesn't it? 0.97
03:42:17.000 So he goes, yeah, but life sucks. 0.99
03:42:19.000 This is what it's all about.
03:42:20.000 You've got to push through and get it started.
03:42:22.000 And then when you drive it, and when it works, it's great.
03:42:24.000 That's why it's not good to live in L.A., because it's always sunny.
03:42:28.000 You need rain.
03:42:30.000 You need cold.
03:42:31.000 You need a reality check.
03:42:33.000 The only reality check L.A. has is L.A. has the mountains when it rains.
03:42:37.000 You can see the mountains like, oh, they're right there.
03:42:39.000 And then L.A. has the ocean.
03:42:41.000 And fires.
03:42:42.000 And earthquakes. 1.00
03:42:44.000 There's a few moments that give you a little fucking bitch. 1.00
03:42:47.000 You ain't shit. 1.00
03:42:49.000 Just a little bitch. 1.00
03:42:50.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
03:42:51.000 Mountain lion attacks. 1.00
03:42:52.000 Those are really rare.
03:42:54.000 Nobody gets affected by a mountain lion.
03:42:56.000 Remember the Santa Monica one?
03:42:57.000 40 million people. 0.99
03:42:59.000 He was just on the promenade and got fucked up. 0.99
03:43:01.000 Mountain lion. 0.99
03:43:02.000 Wait, what?
03:43:03.000 Big cat.
03:43:04.000 Walking around.
03:43:05.000 Well, it's why the funniest guys are from Boston.
03:43:07.000 It's just...
03:43:08.000 Harsh.
03:43:08.000 Harshness.
03:43:09.000 Bleak, cold, mean, blue-collar cunts. 1.00
03:43:13.000 People have no patience for your nonsense. 1.00
03:43:16.000 Nothing keeps you funny than keeping you in check. 0.94
03:43:18.000 Yeah, I think comedy has lost that.
03:43:19.000 It used to be all about check. 1.00
03:43:21.000 Patrice going, that's hacky, you suck. 1.00
03:43:23.000 What are you talking about? 0.99
03:43:24.000 I met a Houston comic at Skankfest, and I was like, how's the Houston scene?
03:43:28.000 And he goes, it's not great right now.
03:43:29.000 And I'm like, why not? 0.96
03:43:30.000 He goes, the older comics, they don't shit on us anymore. 0.68
03:43:34.000 So we're not feeling the pain we should. 0.93
03:43:38.000 They go, you're great, you're nice, you can't say this, you can't say that.
03:43:42.000 Yeah, that's important, man.
03:43:43.000 It's important.
03:43:44.000 It's important.
03:43:45.000 That's why Roast Battle's great. 0.98
03:43:46.000 Roast Battle's great.
03:43:48.000 And these are great. 0.99
03:43:49.000 These are kind of like shit-talking. 1.00
03:43:51.000 We sit down and just talk nonsense. 1.00
03:43:53.000 Yeah, you need it. 0.94
03:43:54.000 You need it.
03:43:55.000 And you need it to recognize, like, what are we doing?
03:43:58.000 What are we doing?
03:43:58.000 We're having fun.
03:43:59.000 Yeah, yeah.
03:44:00.000 That's what we're supposed to be doing.
03:44:01.000 And all this other stuff, like what we were talking about before, that criticism is the tragic result of unmet needs.
03:44:09.000 Ooh! 0.96
03:44:10.000 That's what a lot of it is.
03:44:12.000 A lot of people that get really mad, like comics that get mad, they're mad because they don't feel where they're supposed to be.
03:44:20.000 They feel like someone's stealing their shine.
03:44:23.000 But they're wrong.
03:44:25.000 It's just like you're missing the whole point.
03:44:27.000 You get exactly what you deserve.
03:44:29.000 We're having fun here.
03:44:30.000 Yeah!
03:44:31.000 We're all having fun.
03:44:32.000 We're all having fun.
03:44:32.000 You get exactly what you deserve.
03:44:36.000 And if you didn't get what you wanted, you didn't do it right.
03:44:40.000 You gotta do the work.
03:44:41.000 That's it.
03:44:41.000 You gotta struggle.
03:44:42.000 That's it.
03:44:42.000 That's it.
03:44:43.000 And are there people that get what they don't deserve of Maybe initially.
03:44:48.000 It doesn't last.
03:44:49.000 Maybe initially.
03:44:50.000 Yeah.
03:44:50.000 It falls apart.
03:44:51.000 It's up and down.
03:44:52.000 I want to make a list of all the comics I was jealous of that are no longer even in stand-up.
03:44:56.000 Yes.
03:44:57.000 Yes.
03:44:58.000 Big list.
03:44:59.000 Yeah.
03:44:59.000 Big list.
03:45:00.000 There's a weird moment at every stage of your life where you see people that are doing better than you and you get angry at them. 1.00
03:45:07.000 Yeah, go piss pussy. 1.00
03:45:09.000 I'm not going anywhere. 1.00
03:45:11.000 Oh! 0.60
03:45:12.000 I'm not going anywhere, dawg.
03:45:16.000 So what trauma happened where you made you this competitive?
03:45:21.000 There, Jojo Rabbit.
03:45:23.000 I swear to God, I'm not pissing.
03:45:24.000 I can't wait. 0.86
03:45:25.000 We're going to sit here until Kill Tony happens.
03:45:29.000 Good luck.
03:45:29.000 We're skipping Kill Tony.
03:45:30.000 I'm going to follow you all night, dawg.
03:45:32.000 Good luck.
03:45:33.000 Good luck.
03:45:34.000 Does anybody have a lighter?
03:45:35.000 Your bones will crumble. 0.73
03:45:38.000 You are dying to piss. 0.99
03:45:39.000 I can tell. 0.96
03:45:40.000 Not even a little bit.
03:45:40.000 Not even close, dude.
03:45:42.000 He's had three drinks.
03:45:43.000 We're five hours in here.
03:45:45.000 I've had 20. He's had two.
03:45:46.000 Give me that breathalyzer again. 1.00
03:45:47.000 That's fucking bullshit. 1.00
03:45:48.000 I don't need a breathalyzer to know that I'm not going to pee. 1.00
03:45:52.000 That's all about Will.
03:45:55.000 I don't need a new one.
03:45:56.000 Joe's had five drinks.
03:45:58.000 I've had 30. You've had probably more than me, but it doesn't matter.
03:46:01.000 I'm still...
03:46:02.000 Double.
03:46:03.000 Somebody give J-Mo another bong, by the way. 0.58
03:46:06.000 That was amazing.
03:46:06.000 I drink water.
03:46:07.000 I drink a lot of water.
03:46:08.000 I drink a ton of water.
03:46:09.000 I drink water with liquid IV. I'm very well hydrated.
03:46:12.000 I couldn't be more hydrated, Joe.
03:46:14.000 You're gonna...
03:46:14.000 You're gonna...
03:46:15.000 I love liquid IV. Yeah...
03:46:20.000 Joe, I couldn't be more hydrated.
03:46:22.000 I couldn't be more excited.
03:46:24.000 We're in a competition.
03:46:26.000 I'll die, dude.
03:46:27.000 Love the competition.
03:46:29.000 What'd you get, Ari?
03:46:30.000 A Star David?
03:46:34.000 I'm going to send you a video at 3 in the morning when I finally decide to pee.
03:46:38.000 It's a lot bigger than last time.
03:46:39.000 I'm going to hold it in even after we leave here.
03:46:43.000 Just for...
03:46:46.000 Out of principle.
03:46:47.000 Give me one.
03:46:48.000 Yeah!
03:46:49.000 You won't.
03:46:50.000 Oh, I won't.
03:46:51.000 You're cute.
03:46:52.000 Oh, cute!
03:46:54.000 You don't understand what's happening here.
03:46:56.000 Cute!
03:46:57.000 Cute's never a compliment.
03:46:58.000 That's condescending.
03:47:00.000 This is adorable.
03:47:01.000 You're going to the death. 1.00
03:47:02.000 You understand how cute I am, motherfucker? 1.00
03:47:04.000 Yeah, he's a cute kid. 1.00
03:47:08.000 I don't know about you guys, I'm pretty fucked up. 0.99
03:47:11.000 Same. 0.99
03:47:11.000 We're all in the same boat. 0.99
03:47:12.000 Those eagles really killed us.
03:47:15.000 Can I just say, when you were like, hey, let's do another one this date, I was like, no, no, too early. 0.94
03:47:19.000 And I'm like, I'm fucking loving this. 0.89
03:47:21.000 You won't joke that, Joe? 0.98
03:47:22.000 You won't.
03:47:22.000 Joe, I don't think you will.
03:47:23.000 You guys are adorable.
03:47:24.000 You won't, though.
03:47:25.000 I woke up at 4 a.m.
03:47:27.000 today.
03:47:27.000 He's about to put it down and not joke that.
03:47:28.000 Joe, you won't joke that.
03:47:29.000 You won't.
03:47:30.000 Oh, peer pressure.
03:47:31.000 I'm going to hold onto it for a little bit.
03:47:33.000 Just talk to you guys. 1.00
03:47:34.000 Yeah, coward. 0.99
03:47:35.000 You won't do it right now. 1.00
03:47:36.000 Come on. 0.97
03:47:37.000 You come guzzled Nazi. 0.99
03:47:39.000 Put it down. 1.00
03:47:40.000 Yeah, fear factor sucked. 0.95
03:47:42.000 Here we go, news radio. 0.98
03:47:43.000 Yeah.
03:47:44.000 All right.
03:47:47.000 Well, I mean...
03:47:50.000 If you wanted to talk to me about whether Fear Factor sucked, I'd probably agree with you.
03:47:53.000 Fear Factor rules.
03:47:54.000 It wasn't a bad show.
03:47:56.000 It was fun for what it was.
03:47:57.000 Why would you say that, Mark? 0.92
03:47:58.000 If you had to choose between Fear Factor and Apocalypse now, Fear Factor sucked. 0.97
03:48:01.000 Mark says nasty things like that. 0.99
03:48:03.000 Fear Factor or Game of Thrones, Fear Factor sucked. 0.76
03:48:06.000 Well, that was a good reality show. 0.97
03:48:08.000 Mark says nasty things. 0.99
03:48:09.000 Fear Factor or UFC, Fear Factor sucked.
03:48:11.000 I mean, yeah, it's comparison.
03:48:13.000 Good for what it was.
03:48:14.000 No, if Fear Factor's on when the UFC's on, you're going to tape Fear Factor.
03:48:18.000 Mark, why did you say that?
03:48:20.000 He's doing a bong hit.
03:48:22.000 He's right.
03:48:23.000 I watch the show, and I watch news radio.
03:48:27.000 I actually enjoy news radio.
03:48:28.000 Dave Foley's awesome.
03:48:30.000 He's the best.
03:48:30.000 He's a big UFO believer now.
03:48:32.000 Really?
03:48:33.000 Really.
03:48:34.000 He saw one.
03:48:36.000 No, he saw one.
03:48:38.000 Legitimately, he drew it.
03:48:39.000 I wonder what percentage of celebrities have seen UFOs versus non-celebrities.
03:48:42.000 No, listen, Dave Foley is one of the most legitimately introspective, objective people I've ever met in my life.
03:48:50.000 When Dave Foley talks about things, if you ask him, hey Dave, what do you think about this?
03:48:55.000 He'll go, Hmm, and he'll think about it like legitimately think he'll never give you an off-the-cuff like knee-jerk reaction He's a really thoughtful intelligent person. 1.00
03:49:04.000 I agree when he talks about shit He talks about shit. 0.99
03:49:08.000 It's like when we were on fear fact or news radio together in like the 90s He thought it was a fucking idiot for believe in UFOs Yeah, because that was like my my gig on the show go to like I was the the the fucking engineer in the show believing conspiracy theories Which is real. 1.00
03:49:25.000 Like, at the time, I was 27, and I was just getting on the internet. 0.94
03:49:30.000 So I'd get on AOL.com, and I would download all these fucking UFO documents, and I'd bring them to work. 0.56
03:49:36.000 I'm like, do you guys understand that they shut down military bases? 0.99
03:49:39.000 And they'd be like, shut the fuck up! 1.00
03:49:40.000 Shut the fuck up, you fucking meathead! 1.00
03:49:42.000 Get out of here! 1.00
03:49:43.000 Isn't it a bummer that UFOs are real?
03:49:46.000 What does that mean, though?
03:49:47.000 Here's the thing.
03:49:48.000 It's real, no one cares.
03:49:50.000 You think they're from another planet?
03:49:52.000 Well, we don't have proof.
03:49:53.000 It's not defined.
03:49:54.000 No, the problem is it's not defined.
03:49:56.000 That's what I'm saying.
03:49:57.000 Here's the problem.
03:49:58.000 What are you saying?
03:49:59.000 I'm saying there's no proof.
03:50:00.000 You don't know anything, Mark.
03:50:01.000 I don't know anything, but there's no proof of UFOs, so that's why I don't put any stock into it because I'm like, I'll wait until it happens.
03:50:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:50:10.000 This is happening right now.
03:50:12.000 Then I'll start caring.
03:50:13.000 Yeah.
03:50:14.000 What proof?
03:50:14.000 I hear you.
03:50:15.000 I need physical proof.
03:50:17.000 At the beginning of Signs, was it Signs?
03:50:19.000 Where they're all out there?
03:50:21.000 No.
03:50:22.000 The movie? 1.00
03:50:22.000 That kind of shit. 1.00
03:50:23.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:50:23.000 Where you're like, I want to see, hey, they're here. 1.00
03:50:26.000 Yeah, then I'll start giving a fuck. 0.99
03:50:27.000 It just feels like we've got problems here, so I'm not going to think about space. 0.99
03:50:30.000 Yeah. 0.99
03:50:30.000 A lot of people give a shit about space. 0.99
03:50:32.000 You're worried about racism. 1.00
03:50:34.000 Yes.
03:50:35.000 That's a big problem in the U.S. No, I'm just worried about people here, your family, your career, money, whatever.
03:50:45.000 Imagine if you were an aunt and you were living in the Pacific Northwest.
03:50:48.000 I'm an uncle.
03:50:53.000 I can't help it. 0.98
03:50:54.000 Imagine if you're living in the middle of nowhere and you're an aunt and there's no people go there because you're in the fucking deep, deep, deep forest. 0.99
03:51:03.000 And some fucking weirdo hippies decide to take a backpacking journey into the fucking mountains, and they step on your anthill. 0.99
03:51:12.000 Oof. 1.00
03:51:12.000 You've never met people before. 1.00
03:51:14.000 You don't know what the fuck this is. 0.99
03:51:15.000 You've only been alive for a week. 1.00
03:51:18.000 And your objective is to do whatever...
03:51:21.000 I don't know how the colonies communicate with each other, but they somehow communicate with each other where they can build these ant colonies.
03:51:29.000 Where they have these mounds and inside these mounds there's like super complex, like especially leaf cutter ants, super complex systems where they have like vents where they go up through the fucking forest floor and they have leaves they chop up and they ferment and they release gases through the floor. 0.97
03:51:46.000 They fucking somehow or another understand how to do this.
03:51:49.000 And then all of a sudden, and you've never seen a person. 1.00
03:51:52.000 And a fucking hippie with Birkenstocks stomps on your fucking anthill, because it doesn't even see it, because it's like looking at its GPS and just wandering around, and all of a sudden it stomps on it. 0.99
03:52:04.000 You didn't think that a hippie ever existed, but now you're confronted with the reality that they're real, and they've destroyed your little village that you've built somehow. 1.00
03:52:13.000 You don't even know why you did it.
03:52:15.000 You're just doing it through scents and firmones. 0.99
03:52:18.000 And you're like picking up frequencies that we don't even understand, that are interrupted by cell phone communication, and these fucking ants somehow or another have to deal with the fact that some hippie just stomped on their fucking ant hill inadvertently. 0.99
03:52:32.000 That's us. 0.99
03:52:33.000 That's us with the universe.
03:52:35.000 There are things out there that have lived a million years longer than us.
03:52:40.000 If you believe what they know right now about the universe, they know That there's more planets and more solar systems and more physical bodies than there are grains of sand on all the beaches and the earth.
03:52:57.000 The odds that one of them wouldn't have been alive two, three, four, five, six, A hundred million years longer than us are very small.
03:53:06.000 So something has probably come here. 0.97
03:53:09.000 And that thing is very similar to the way we would react to it, the way a fucking anthill would react to a hippie stomping on it. 0.97
03:53:17.000 That's how we have to think about it. 0.98
03:53:18.000 They come once in a long while.
03:53:20.000 They might be here all the time.
03:53:22.000 They might be here all the time, just like we're here in a podcast studio in Austin while there's ants over in San Antonio that have never been contacted by human beings.
03:53:34.000 College football is about to start. 1.00
03:53:37.000 And if these fucking dumb pussies show up and ruin that... 1.00
03:53:41.000 Who? 1.00
03:53:42.000 Gay aliens? 1.00
03:53:43.000 Oh, gay aliens. 1.00
03:53:46.000 You don't want that. 1.00
03:53:47.000 They show up with bullshit. 1.00
03:53:49.000 It's like, dude, just let me enjoy Notre Dame. 1.00
03:53:51.000 Come back in March.
03:53:53.000 Just let me enjoy this.
03:53:54.000 I bet that's exactly how Australopithecus felt when someone figured out how to make Flint tools. 1.00
03:54:00.000 What are you doing, pussy? 1.00
03:54:02.000 Yeah, dude. 1.00
03:54:02.000 You're fucking up my ability to rip a rat apart with my teeth. 1.00
03:54:07.000 I like to eat rats with my teeth. 1.00
03:54:09.000 Right, right. 1.00
03:54:09.000 You fucking pussies out there using spears. 1.00
03:54:12.000 Are you guys excited for the Freeman era of Notre Dame college football? 1.00
03:54:17.000 You get uncomfortable with this discussion?
03:54:19.000 What?
03:54:20.000 He's just thinking about Notre Dame.
03:54:21.000 He's just thinking about Ohio State.
03:54:23.000 I'm just thinking about Notre Dame and Ohio State, dude.
03:54:26.000 You're thinking about peeing.
03:54:28.000 Me?
03:54:29.000 Are you projecting?
03:54:31.000 Are you thinking about peeing?
03:54:32.000 Oh, that's a good question, Mark.
03:54:33.000 Not at all.
03:54:34.000 That's a solid question.
03:54:35.000 That's a good question, Mark.
03:54:36.000 The interview gets turned on the interviewer.
03:54:38.000 How does it feel?
03:54:39.000 What feel?
03:54:41.000 How does Mark's...
03:54:42.000 Question.
03:54:43.000 Something something of you.
03:54:45.000 What did he say?
03:54:46.000 I said you brought up peeing.
03:54:47.000 I think you're projecting.
03:54:48.000 No, I forgot that that was even a bet.
03:54:50.000 Oh! 0.60
03:54:52.000 That's the ultimate way.
03:54:53.000 I'm trying to plan it in his head.
03:54:54.000 I think this conversation is a new funnel.
03:54:57.000 A new funnel? 0.56
03:54:58.000 A new eagle?
03:54:59.000 Okay, let's go.
03:55:01.000 Oh, God.