The Joe Rogan Experience - September 04, 2012


Joe Rogan Experience #260 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Topics
podcast vs talk show conversations ecstasy ecstasy and fuck machines Mustang engine rumble and music connection Open Mike comedy classes slavery in the Bible slavery phone freaking Kevin Mitnick and Lulsec fail-safes fail-safe deskwad.tv t-shirts
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Greg Fitzsimmons
Mentioned
Brian Joe Rogan Podcast Greg Fitzsimmons Kevin Meaney Bert Kreischer Bobby Lee Dude Jimmy Dottilio Kevin Manning Gene Simmons Jesus Christ Clint Eastwood Carson Daly Mitt Romney Tom Cotter Rip Taylor Dan Goldman Anonymous Ariel Carmeli Pool Q. Craig Fitzsimmons and 102 more
Joe Rogan Experience #258 - Bryan Callen Joe Rogan Experience #261 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 53 minutes

Words per minute

192.86

Word count

33,503

Sentence count

3,829

Harmful content

Misogyny

114

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,374

sentences flagged

Hate speech

111

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

On this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, the boys talk about the death of Griselda Blanco, the cocaine cowgirl lady, and the best way to workout outside of wrestling. Also, we talk about AlphaBrain, a new supplement that has been shown to increase your brain's ability to remember sentences and increase the amount of information it can send to the brain's neurotransmitters. We also talk about battle ropes, kettlebells, and battle rope training and how to make your own. Joe also talks about a new song he's been listening to a lot and how he's going to make it in the music industry. The Joe Rogans Experience Podcast is brought to you by Onnit. Onnit is a company that makes a bunch of stuff that I use to get better at everything I do, and I'm here to endorse it. If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE on Apple Podcasts and leave us a rating and review! Subscribe to the show Subscribe on iTunes Learn more about your ad choices. Like, comment and tell a friend about what you're listening to this podcast. Peace, Blessings, Cheers. Cheers, Joe and G.J. XOXO. - The Jerks. Namaste -Jon & Rory "The Jerks" -Jon and Rory "The Crew" and "The Cheers" "Tune in to this Podcast! and Share it on Anchor.co/TheJoe Rogans Podcast Subscribe on Podchronicity. and Subscribe to our social media! Subscribe and Retweets! Thank you for listening to the pod, Like, Share it so we can spread the word out to the Interned Podcasts & Share it around the Internship? We'll be spreading the word about the podcast! - Jon Rogan Podcasts Podcast, Gorms, Gynn & Rory Mclean & The Crew? - Tom and Rory Mcgregor Thank You! & much more! (and much more!! -Rory Mclean & Cozy , and much more... - - OJ & Rory Rogans, and more! - The Crew - Thank you, Jon & Rory, and so much more. -Jon Rogan, the Crew, and his Crew ( )

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:03.000 Meow. 1.00
00:00:03.000 You dirty bitches. 1.00
00:00:06.000 That's my new song. 1.00
00:00:07.000 You dirty bitches. 1.00
00:00:09.000 Dirty bitches. 1.00
00:00:10.000 I need a little more rhythm to pull it off. 0.99
00:00:14.000 The Joe Rogan Experience podcast today, Tuesday, September 4th, 2012. Griselda Blanco is dead.
00:00:23.000 That's me.
00:00:25.000 That's me.
00:00:26.000 They got that Griselda Blanco lady. 1.00
00:00:28.000 Who's that?
00:00:29.000 She's the cocaine cowboys lady. 1.00
00:00:31.000 I still have not seen that.
00:00:32.000 We should talk about this.
00:00:33.000 We'll talk about this later.
00:00:35.000 I gotta do a commercial.
00:00:37.000 General Experience Podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com.
00:00:40.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. What is Onnit? 1.00
00:00:43.000 Onnit's a supplement company. 0.99
00:00:45.000 We make alpha brain and a bunch of shit that I talk about on the podcast all the time.
00:00:49.000 The one thing I can tell you is everything that we sell at Onnit.com is all stuff that I've used, I believe in, I endorse. 0.88
00:00:58.000 I wouldn't get behind anything that wasn't legit.
00:01:01.000 And the fascinating thing to me about AlphaBrain is that all the information from nootropics, if you're interested in the subject of nootropics, which is nutrients that have been shown to have a positive effect on human neurochemistry.
00:01:19.000 The idea is that your brain produces more juice.
00:01:23.000 You have more ability to string together sentences.
00:01:26.000 You have...
00:01:27.000 More neurotransmitters.
00:01:30.000 I don't understand it. 1.00
00:01:31.000 That shit goes away with time. 1.00
00:01:32.000 Your endorphin receptacles and all that stuff, it starts to die away. 1.00
00:01:38.000 Everything does.
00:01:38.000 We're going down, Greg.
00:01:40.000 We need some juice.
00:01:40.000 We're going down.
00:01:43.000 Yeah.
00:01:43.000 What I've found is that I benefit greatly from, I take a lot of vitamins, and I take a lot of really what I believe are very effective supplements, and I eat a lot of really good food.
00:01:53.000 You've got to be healthy, because if you don't, this motherfucker will fail on you. 1.00
00:01:57.000 It will fall apart, you'll crash into the rocks, like you've got to keep it together, bitches. 1.00
00:02:02.000 And that is what Onnit is all about. 0.98
00:02:04.000 The company is basically set up, everything we sell is stuff that will improve you.
00:02:09.000 The strength and fitness equipment, kettlebells and battle ropes is like the best way you could ever work out.
00:02:15.000 If you want to develop functional strength that directly translates into any athletic endeavor, kettlebells and battle ropes are fantastic. 0.82
00:02:24.000 Battle ropes are these giant fucking ropes and you flail them through the air and you do it for like sprints of 30 seconds and oh it's brutal. 0.89
00:02:32.000 So those and kettlebells, they will last you to the end of time. 0.98
00:02:37.000 The battle ropes, you can't get them any cheaper than you can get it at onit.com.
00:02:41.000 And the kettlebells, as cheap as you can humanly sell them, we're sending cannonballs through the mail.
00:02:46.000 It's not that easy. 0.98
00:02:48.000 It's ridiculous. 0.70
00:02:49.000 I mean, that's what we're sending. 0.65
00:02:50.000 Some of them are 90 pounds. 0.99
00:02:51.000 We're sending a 90-pound fucking cannonball through the mail. 1.00
00:02:53.000 That shit is expensive as fuck. 1.00
00:02:55.000 And just like AlphaBrain, if you want to take the ropes and make them yourself, go get a bunch of ropes. 1.00
00:03:00.000 It's really expensive.
00:03:01.000 You'd be amazed. 0.99
00:03:02.000 Those really big, thick, heavy ropes, those are expensive as fuck. 1.00
00:03:06.000 They don't sell that shit at Target. 1.00
00:03:08.000 You can get them, though. 1.00
00:03:09.000 You can go to nautical stores.
00:03:11.000 I just don't think they usually sell them in tank sizes.
00:03:15.000 It's probably hard to get, but you can definitely get it.
00:03:18.000 I mean, we got it.
00:03:19.000 It's just a big, heavy rope.
00:03:21.000 If you can make your own, make your own. 0.92
00:03:23.000 If you've got some extra giant rope laying around, you can probably do it with chains, too, if you want to go fucking crazy Rampage Jackson style.
00:03:30.000 Or like 17,000 tennis shoes.
00:03:32.000 Yeah, I mean, the idea is that you're using your whole body in a whipping effect.
00:03:37.000 Shoelaces.
00:03:37.000 The amount of wind it takes to work out and do these 30-second sprints, 20 seconds off, and then 30-second sprints.
00:03:46.000 That's like this protocol of different exercises you do with a battle. 0.99
00:03:50.000 It's fucking brutal, man. 0.98
00:03:53.000 It gets you tired like nothing you ever do outside of wrestling a man. 0.99
00:03:58.000 Not that you do any man wrestling.
00:04:00.000 I wrestled rope man once.
00:04:02.000 Rope man? 1.00
00:04:03.000 That was a fucking workout. 1.00
00:04:06.000 It's alive! 1.00
00:04:08.000 I wrestled my father off me off a waterbed when I was two.
00:04:11.000 Just kidding.
00:04:13.000 Just kidding.
00:04:15.000 You're the only grown man that I know that still uses just kidding.
00:04:18.000 I know. 1.00
00:04:18.000 It's the dumbest shit ever. 1.00
00:04:20.000 What's the thesaurus version of that? 1.00
00:04:23.000 Of just kidding?
00:04:24.000 Yeah, like, what's the adult version of that, like...
00:04:26.000 You don't have to say anything.
00:04:27.000 I know you're just kidding.
00:04:29.000 I know, but what's...
00:04:29.000 Is there an adult version?
00:04:30.000 You know what the original one was?
00:04:32.000 Nano.
00:04:33.000 Nano?
00:04:34.000 Yeah, me and my friends used to say that instead of, like, just kidding or not.
00:04:37.000 Really?
00:04:38.000 Yeah, I think it was from...
00:04:39.000 We were, like, you know, ten, nine...
00:04:41.000 Oh, I never heard that one.
00:04:43.000 That's way better.
00:04:45.000 Black people used to say it in my town.
00:04:48.000 They'd be like, non-no.
00:04:50.000 All right.
00:04:50.000 That's my new thing.
00:04:52.000 Onnit.com. 1.00
00:04:53.000 O-N-N-I-T. Go get yourself some fucking Kettlebell Sun. 1.00
00:04:56.000 Hemp protein powder. 1.00
00:04:57.000 We've got all kinds of groovy shit. 0.99
00:04:59.000 And it's all the supplements have a 30-day... 0.99
00:05:01.000 30 pill, rather.
00:05:02.000 100% money-back guarantee.
00:05:04.000 If you don't feel like it enhances you and helps you...
00:05:07.000 Then you just say this stuff sucks and get your money back. 0.78
00:05:09.000 It's that simple. 0.96
00:05:10.000 You don't have to return the product. 0.99
00:05:11.000 Use the code name ROGAN and you will save yourself 10% off, you dirty bitches. 1.00
00:05:16.000 Alright, Brian. 1.00
00:05:17.000 Cue the music.
00:05:18.000 Let's make it official.
00:05:19.000 Craig Fitzsimmons is here.
00:05:20.000 Joe Rogan Podcast.
00:05:22.000 Check it out.
00:05:22.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.
00:05:25.000 Showing my day.
00:05:25.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night.
00:05:27.000 All day!
00:05:34.000 And then that happens.
00:05:37.000 This is what happens every podcast. 0.99
00:05:39.000 You have these fucking awesome conversations. 0.99
00:05:41.000 You get rolling. 0.99
00:05:43.000 And then we play that music.
00:05:44.000 And all of a sudden, we've got to start from scratch again.
00:05:47.000 And we forget what we were just talking about that we were saving for the podcast.
00:05:50.000 What were we talking about?
00:05:51.000 We have a very inefficient way of starting the show.
00:05:54.000 And we've never analyzed it until this moment.
00:05:56.000 I've always thought the best...
00:05:58.000 Like, talk show, like, Tonight Show thing would be, as soon as the guests walk in the stage door backstage, they should just be getting filmed, and then play pieces of that.
00:06:09.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:06:10.000 You know, because who gives a shit? 0.99
00:06:11.000 Once they sit down and they tee it up, it's like, I can tell you the end of George Clooney's story. 0.99
00:06:16.000 Yeah.
00:06:16.000 His mom made cookies, and then she got hit on.
00:06:20.000 Boo! 1.00
00:06:23.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00
00:06:24.000 I agree. 1.00
00:06:25.000 Who gives a fuck about your little pre-packaged dry ass story that you've done on four other talks? 0.99
00:06:30.000 You know how many talk shows now? 0.99
00:06:31.000 You see guys promoting a film.
00:06:33.000 There's this website that tells you all the late night shows guests for the next two weeks.
00:06:38.000 And you'll see like Paul Rudd.
00:06:40.000 Go fucking Daily Show, Tonight Show, Letterman, Conan, you know, and then start working your way down until you're on like Jimmy, what's the guy who does the late, late NBC show? 0.98
00:06:51.000 Jimmy Fallon? 0.99
00:06:52.000 No, no, no.
00:06:53.000 No, not Jimmy Fallon.
00:06:53.000 He does music.
00:06:54.000 He was on MTV. Not Jimmy.
00:06:57.000 Jimmy Storm!
00:06:59.000 Carson Daly.
00:07:00.000 Carson Daly.
00:07:00.000 Carson Daly is still on television for 10 years.
00:07:05.000 I like his taste.
00:07:06.000 Yeah.
00:07:06.000 I find a lot of weird, creepy bands and movies from that guy.
00:07:09.000 Really?
00:07:09.000 Just because he's kind of like cutting-edge hipster.
00:07:13.000 There's a reason why he was on MTV Our Same Generation.
00:07:16.000 Now he's older, so he does give some cool taste of music once in a while.
00:07:20.000 So you watch...
00:07:21.000 When I catch it, I'm interested because he does pick little random cards out of the blue that maybe you haven't heard of, like music-wise at least, or movie-wise.
00:07:30.000 I don't know.
00:07:31.000 I don't think he's bad.
00:07:32.000 I'd take him over Leno any day.
00:07:34.000 No, I never said he was bad. 0.99
00:07:36.000 Those things are fucking hard, man. 0.97
00:07:38.000 Those things are really hard to do. 0.98
00:07:40.000 It's really hard to do a talk show like that and be even remotely interesting.
00:07:44.000 It's so segmented.
00:07:46.000 It's like you never really get a chance to get rolling.
00:07:49.000 You're just trying to interject and say witty things in this really brief story.
00:07:54.000 It's like you barely get to know someone.
00:07:56.000 Under the idea of breaking it up for these long-ass commercials and you talk in between the break.
00:08:04.000 And then when we come back, it's so fake and hokey.
00:08:09.000 You remove yourself.
00:08:11.000 And the good guests just say, you know what I'm going to do? 0.98
00:08:14.000 He's going to introduce me, and I'm going to tell a great fucking story, and then we're going to go to commercial. 0.98
00:08:18.000 But if you try to fake that you're hanging out talking, that's torture. 0.97
00:08:22.000 Especially when you're using an Alienware computer, right, Joe?
00:08:25.000 Yes.
00:08:26.000 It's hard to do, man.
00:08:28.000 It's hard to do that job.
00:08:29.000 That's a really difficult job.
00:08:31.000 This is way easier.
00:08:32.000 It's way easier to do a podcast.
00:08:34.000 Yeah.
00:08:36.000 Yeah, because a podcast, you just start talking.
00:08:38.000 A show like that, you have to operate within this really narrow frame of time.
00:08:46.000 What if there's a really intense subject?
00:08:50.000 Something that is really controversial to you and the person that you're talking about it with.
00:08:55.000 Sometimes it might require a long time to delicately work through some weird subject.
00:09:00.000 Like if a guy comes on and he's talking about his wife just had an abortion or something.
00:09:04.000 That could do it.
00:09:05.000 Yeah.
00:09:06.000 There's no part two to that.
00:09:09.000 Well, you know, it's like there's certain things that when you're talking about it, you need some time.
00:09:14.000 You don't want to have to go, go to break in five.
00:09:17.000 You know, like, come on, really?
00:09:18.000 Okay, we'll be back.
00:09:19.000 And there's a tension because the host has to fill every second.
00:09:22.000 They get uncomfortable when the thing's not going well, so they jump in like some dysfunctional enabler.
00:09:26.000 Yeah.
00:09:27.000 The commercial ruins the conversation.
00:09:29.000 It ruins it. 0.99
00:09:30.000 It fucking kills it. 1.00
00:09:32.000 It's the death of it. 0.99
00:09:33.000 And the idea that you have to do a commercial at a certain time, like Opie and Anthony have commercials, but they just talk until they're done.
00:09:40.000 And then they go, alright, you guys want to take a break?
00:09:42.000 Let's take a break, play some commercials, we'll be right back.
00:09:44.000 And it's completely organic.
00:09:46.000 It's like you're watching separate shows.
00:09:48.000 You're watching one hour and a half show where they didn't go to commercial, and then another hour show where they didn't go to commercial, and then they'll go to commercial.
00:09:54.000 And also, you don't get the sense with Opie and Anthony or podcasts...
00:10:00.000 That we're talking the way two human beings talk.
00:10:03.000 There's a rhythm and there's a pace, and there's not high IQ moments every three seconds.
00:10:09.000 Like when you watch a monologue in an interview, you had 20 writers mapping every word.
00:10:14.000 So to me it's off-putting, and I think it is to a lot of Americans.
00:10:17.000 Sitcoms are the same way. 0.98
00:10:18.000 Human beings don't have conversations the way they do on sitcoms.
00:10:21.000 So that's why people started wanting reality TV. They were like, this shit makes me feel uncomfortable because it's not real. 0.99
00:10:28.000 Right. 1.00
00:10:29.000 Yeah.
00:10:30.000 It's clumsy.
00:10:32.000 It's like the way the president talks to the people.
00:10:35.000 That's the same sort of thing.
00:10:37.000 It's the same sort of animal.
00:10:38.000 It's like seeing Gene Simmons on his show. 0.72
00:10:40.000 That just annoys the fuck out of me. 0.90
00:10:43.000 The fake stuff? 0.99
00:10:44.000 Because it's not only fake, it's just really dumb fake. 0.99
00:10:47.000 Like, he glued dildos to his hand. 0.99
00:10:49.000 You know?
00:10:49.000 Like, really?
00:10:51.000 I have to believe that you glued a dildo to your hand. 0.98
00:10:53.000 It's so unfortunate. 0.98
00:10:55.000 But I guess he's just trying to keep doing it.
00:10:57.000 You know Bobby Lee, right?
00:10:58.000 Sure.
00:10:59.000 Apparently he's talked about this.
00:11:02.000 I'm not outing him about this.
00:11:05.000 How many times have people had to say that statement in reference to a Bobby Lee story?
00:11:10.000 Disclaimer.
00:11:10.000 Which, by the way, I love Bobby Lee.
00:11:12.000 Love Bobby Lee.
00:11:14.000 I really do.
00:11:14.000 I mean, truly.
00:11:15.000 But you know why?
00:11:16.000 Because he's a broken toy and he knows it.
00:11:19.000 We all know it.
00:11:20.000 So you don't have to...
00:11:21.000 So that's why I'm telling this story.
00:11:22.000 And he's a sweetheart of a guy.
00:11:23.000 He is, but he goes on the road, he buys three bottles of Elmer's glue, and at night he pours it on his hands and then peels it off.
00:11:30.000 Are you serious?
00:11:31.000 That's so cool.
00:11:32.000 Oh my god. 0.97
00:11:32.000 And I heard that and I was like, I want to fucking do that. 0.97
00:11:35.000 Dude, you know those markers, the Crayola markers, you can bite off the end and then take out the ink out of it? 0.97
00:11:41.000 You put that in a glue overnight and it'll turn whatever color marker.
00:11:44.000 So you put it on your hand, you can make it like green Hulk hands so it looks like you're peeling off.
00:11:48.000 Nice tip for Halloween.
00:11:49.000 Yeah.
00:11:51.000 Yeah, you should...
00:11:52.000 What are you, 12? 1.00
00:11:53.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00
00:11:55.000 What the fuck is wrong with you, man? 1.00
00:11:57.000 He's like a stoned Martha Stewart. 1.00
00:11:58.000 That's a late reaction, Joe. 1.00
00:12:00.000 He's got a hole in his brain, folks.
00:12:02.000 He took too much ecstasy. 0.64
00:12:04.000 He's like that commercial where they show the hole.
00:12:07.000 Do a 3D of his head.
00:12:09.000 God, can we just talk about how ecstasy is just so amazing?
00:12:12.000 There you go. 0.97
00:12:13.000 It's got a hole in his brain.
00:12:14.000 It's such a truth serum. 0.62
00:12:15.000 Yeah, it's leaking.
00:12:16.000 It is a truth serum.
00:12:16.000 It really breaks apart your life in front of you, like, really accurately.
00:12:20.000 Like, it's really nice.
00:12:22.000 If you talk about...
00:12:23.000 I don't want to tell...
00:12:24.000 Don't do ecstasy, but in my opinion, like mushrooms...
00:12:29.000 That kind of helped me when I'm like, yeah, that's cool if walls look like butterflies and stuff. 0.98
00:12:33.000 Where ecstasy, almost like you just start talking about shit that's bugging you. 0.93
00:12:39.000 I was really angry the other day. 0.99
00:12:42.000 Why am I so angry?
00:12:44.000 Everything I'm saying is anger.
00:12:45.000 It really showed me immediately what was wrong with me at that point.
00:12:51.000 It was like a psychiatrist and a pill.
00:12:53.000 It was weird.
00:12:54.000 Yeah.
00:12:55.000 Have you done it much?
00:12:56.000 You've done it once or something?
00:12:58.000 I did it once.
00:12:58.000 Yeah.
00:13:00.000 Don't do it, but it's amazing.
00:13:02.000 I did it a long time ago, but it wasn't good then.
00:13:04.000 Don't do it, but it's amazing.
00:13:05.000 It's apparently gotten a lot better.
00:13:06.000 Yeah, I had a positive experience.
00:13:09.000 I learned something from it, but I also realized that the physical toll is pretty substantial.
00:13:15.000 Your body takes a big hit. 0.96
00:13:17.000 Well, I fled a lot of 5-HTP and a lot of counter-fucking ecstasy, fix my brain juice and stuff. 0.97
00:13:23.000 Right, right. 0.96
00:13:23.000 So I do it right. 0.96
00:13:25.000 I've never the next day felt shitty.
00:13:27.000 A lot of people wake up the next day and feel depressed.
00:13:30.000 I've never felt that.
00:13:31.000 Well, that was originally how Onnit was conceived.
00:13:34.000 Right.
00:13:35.000 Roll on and roll off.
00:13:36.000 Those were some of the first products.
00:13:38.000 And the idea being to help reboost your neurotransmitters after you go on a binge.
00:13:44.000 Oh, yeah?
00:13:45.000 Yeah.
00:13:46.000 I love that instead of us working towards people, you know, becoming sober, we work towards fixes, just like hangover juice.
00:13:55.000 Just adopt.
00:13:56.000 Don't change.
00:13:58.000 We just say it's too fun.
00:14:00.000 It's too fun to not indulge.
00:14:02.000 I like to experiment with my head, man.
00:14:04.000 It's crazy.
00:14:04.000 Go on a liver cleanse or something.
00:14:06.000 What's that?
00:14:07.000 Can you turn these down?
00:14:08.000 Turn you down?
00:14:09.000 Yeah.
00:14:09.000 What's going on here?
00:14:10.000 I feel like I'm at an ACDC concert, except it's you guys talking.
00:14:13.000 Better?
00:14:14.000 Yeah, that's great.
00:14:15.000 Thank you.
00:14:15.000 Thank you.
00:14:16.000 Oh, he's on a different channel or something?
00:14:18.000 We all have our separate volume channel.
00:14:19.000 That's great.
00:14:20.000 That sounds so deep.
00:14:21.000 We all have our own separate volumes.
00:14:23.000 Who did you have on last?
00:14:24.000 They probably turned it up.
00:14:25.000 I don't remember. 0.99
00:14:26.000 Whoever it was probably had cum in your ears. 0.99
00:14:28.000 Whoa. 1.00
00:14:30.000 How dare you. 1.00
00:14:32.000 How dare you, silly boy. 1.00
00:14:37.000 Yeah, that ecstasy is not good for you, boy. 1.00
00:14:39.000 Yeah.
00:14:40.000 Eventually it's going to rot your head out.
00:14:41.000 I literally do it once every like four months, something like that.
00:14:45.000 I don't do it like every week or something crazy.
00:14:47.000 But even once every four months, that's hitting it kind of hard. 0.80
00:14:51.000 Well, they say that it does fuck with your receptors, that you can't get happy. 0.83
00:14:56.000 It's like the same thing with opiates.
00:14:57.000 If you take them too much, you clog up the receptors, and the only thing that gets through is the drug. 1.00
00:15:04.000 That's why it's so hard to get off of those fucking pills. 0.99
00:15:07.000 If I can get in, it's brutal to get off. 1.00
00:15:09.000 Oof.
00:15:10.000 I could easily stop and never do ecstasy again.
00:15:12.000 I've had several friends, several people that I knew and grew up with who became pill people. 0.91
00:15:18.000 Yeah.
00:15:19.000 I've seen it happen.
00:15:20.000 I've seen people lose everything. 1.00
00:15:22.000 See them lose their shit for pills. 1.00
00:15:24.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:15:25.000 That shit's creepy. 1.00
00:15:26.000 It's weird. 1.00
00:15:27.000 Well, Artie went through it.
00:15:28.000 It's a weird thing.
00:15:28.000 You know?
00:15:29.000 Yeah.
00:15:29.000 He went from taking the pills, because it's basically heroin.
00:15:32.000 It's the same makeup.
00:15:34.000 And then he didn't have pills one time at a club, and some happy little helpful doorman said, well, why don't you just snort some heroin?
00:15:41.000 I got some heroin.
00:15:42.000 And boom. 0.96
00:15:43.000 Over.
00:15:44.000 Wow.
00:15:44.000 Jesus Christ.
00:15:48.000 I had shoulder surgery a couple summers ago, and they gave me Vicodin way too easily. 1.00
00:15:54.000 My surgeon gave it to me, then my general practitioner gave it to me, and I had a supply going, and I took that shit for six months. 0.95
00:16:02.000 I was taking not a ton, maybe three, four a day, but it started to feel like when I didn't have one, I was not feeling good. 0.99
00:16:10.000 And then when I stopped, it was some fuck, those toughest two days of my life. 0.95
00:16:15.000 Yeah, I've heard that the withdrawal is like almost... 0.99
00:16:18.000 Some people, they just can't take it.
00:16:19.000 It's like a torture and they just quit and they go back on the pills and say, you know, I just can't do it.
00:16:25.000 Yeah.
00:16:26.000 It's terrifying how...
00:16:28.000 Easy it is to get them.
00:16:30.000 It's terrifying how quick people are to take painkillers.
00:16:35.000 I like drinking more than any of this.
00:16:38.000 I think that's just something that I can relax, have a few drinks, feel good.
00:16:42.000 But I never got into having cocaine. 0.99
00:16:46.000 It seems like that's just like once you do it once, the next day you wake up and you feel like, shit, I don't want to do that again. 0.98
00:16:53.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:16:55.000 I don't get addiction of pills and I think that opiate thing is a totally different monkey. 0.94
00:17:01.000 I think once it grabs you, it just grabs you by the balls and just entwines itself with your system.
00:17:07.000 When you get that monkey on your back, that's a completely different experience, I think. 0.98
00:17:12.000 The opiate one...
00:17:13.000 Seems to be more of a intense physical experience.
00:17:17.000 Yeah, it is.
00:17:18.000 And I'll tell you what, I got a friend who's been doing it for five, six, seven years.
00:17:22.000 A very successful screenwriter.
00:17:24.000 Cannot write without it.
00:17:26.000 Because writing is scary.
00:17:29.000 And if you lose all your fear and you write with abandon, that's when you do good writing.
00:17:35.000 So he started taking them because it got him out of his writer's block.
00:17:38.000 But now you start taking it just to get normal.
00:17:41.000 That's when you're in trouble.
00:17:41.000 When you're not even getting high.
00:17:43.000 You're just trying to crawl back.
00:17:45.000 They're terrifying. 0.97
00:17:48.000 And people will call me a hypocrite because I smoke so much weed. 1.00
00:17:51.000 Hypocrite? 1.00
00:17:53.000 Hypocrite. 1.00
00:17:53.000 But I can stop... 1.00
00:17:56.000 And take a week off and I feel no physical effects.
00:17:59.000 Like I did recently.
00:18:00.000 I went to Hawaii.
00:18:01.000 I didn't get high for a week.
00:18:03.000 It didn't bother me even a little bit.
00:18:05.000 It's like there's no withdrawal effects.
00:18:07.000 There's nothing.
00:18:09.000 I don't think people understand that.
00:18:11.000 Some people think that there's some sort of a psychological withdrawal effect that some people go through.
00:18:16.000 And then there's people that their body just completely behaves differently than the normal person's body.
00:18:22.000 And they have much more of a proclivity towards addiction.
00:18:26.000 There's some people, apparently, that like any sort of a change in a state of consciousness...
00:18:31.000 Oh yeah, they can study the brain.
00:18:32.000 They can look at chemicals in the brain and see an addictive brain and the way it behaves.
00:18:36.000 It's very different.
00:18:37.000 It's fascinating.
00:18:39.000 I mean, look, some people die from eating peanuts.
00:18:43.000 I would never say that my experience in taking anything is the same as yours.
00:18:49.000 So for some people, pop might just be...
00:18:52.000 This impossible ride into the depths of hell.
00:18:56.000 I mean, I don't know.
00:18:57.000 I mean, and then immediately they're hooked on it.
00:18:59.000 Not to me, but to someone with some really funky, weird genetics. 0.98
00:19:04.000 Someone that can die from cranberries or some shit. 0.99
00:19:07.000 You know what I mean? 0.99
00:19:07.000 Like, one of those weird people. 0.99
00:19:09.000 No, I mean, addiction in my family.
00:19:11.000 I mean, my dad died at 51, basically, drinking and smoking and, you know, three and a half packs a day.
00:19:18.000 And, uh... 1.00
00:19:19.000 I hate hearing that shit. 1.00
00:19:21.000 And aunts and uncles, everybody's got addiction. 1.00
00:19:23.000 So I quit drinking 21 years ago.
00:19:26.000 I was 25 years old when I quit drinking.
00:19:28.000 Dude, I remember.
00:19:29.000 I remember Greg pre and post.
00:19:31.000 Yeah.
00:19:32.000 Yeah.
00:19:32.000 And it was like, for me, it was like, I know I got it.
00:19:35.000 So the addiction shifts.
00:19:37.000 You go from one thing to the next.
00:19:38.000 And for me, it was drinking went to working.
00:19:44.000 Mm-hmm.
00:19:45.000 Went to sex, and I really believe that... 0.98
00:19:49.000 I don't know what a sex addict is. 0.99
00:19:51.000 We all want to fuck all the time. 0.99
00:19:53.000 What's the line you cross between healthy libido and sex addict? 1.00
00:19:58.000 I dated one. 0.97
00:19:59.000 You did?
00:20:00.000 Yeah, and it was very unhealthy. 1.00
00:20:01.000 She did not leave the bed all day and just wanted to fuck or masturbate all day. 1.00
00:20:06.000 Well, some people are just trying to erase whatever is fucking with their head. 1.00
00:20:12.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:20:13.000 They're running. 1.00
00:20:14.000 Some horrible vision from their past, you know, terrified memories, molestation, whatever the fuck it is. 0.99
00:20:20.000 Some people are just trying to just rub that out. 0.99
00:20:23.000 Yeah. 0.68
00:20:23.000 They're just, you know, they're just trying to masturbate to heighten their experience so they don't have to think about that for a brief moment. 0.68
00:20:28.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:20:29.000 You know, there's a lot of people out there that were fucked with when they were kids. 0.98
00:20:34.000 I mean, it's a terrifying number. 0.98
00:20:36.000 It really is. 0.95
00:20:37.000 I kind of get weary, too, when I see somebody who works way too hard and never lets up on themselves, I always think, you're fucking hiding from something.
00:20:44.000 You know, they're not...
00:20:46.000 No balance, no real relationships, just...
00:20:48.000 Yeah, people can definitely get crazy. 0.98
00:20:51.000 Well, it's hard because you get so focused on success, and then you're dealing with a bunch of other ruthless motherfuckers who are focused on success, so you have to up your game. 0.98
00:21:02.000 That's like the whole drive of modern man. 0.98
00:21:06.000 And people get way douchier that way.
00:21:08.000 It's like you're responding to competing against each other, and you all douche it out worse and worse.
00:21:15.000 There's a documentary called Happy.
00:21:17.000 You can get it on Netflix.
00:21:18.000 It's like a very academic, quantifiable look at happiness and how it transcends cultures. 0.97
00:21:26.000 They started out showing this guy in India who pulls a fucking rickshaw and he lives in a tent with his family. 0.99
00:21:32.000 It sounds fucking corny. 0.99
00:21:34.000 The dude's happy. 0.97
00:21:35.000 They followed him and they interviewed him and they say that 50% of your happiness Is just your wiring. 1.00
00:21:42.000 Here's your fucking DNA. Here's the juices in your body. 1.00
00:21:45.000 People like...
00:21:46.000 They showed a woman who'd been run over by a truck.
00:21:48.000 She was a beauty queen. 1.00
00:21:49.000 And her face is fucking mangled. 1.00
00:21:51.000 It's hard to look at her. 0.99
00:21:52.000 And she returned to her happiness level within a couple years.
00:21:56.000 Same thing with somebody who's depressed.
00:21:58.000 They can hit lotto.
00:21:59.000 Within a year, they've settled back at their baseline.
00:22:02.000 So that's half. 0.99
00:22:03.000 Then 20% is shit like status, career, money. 0.99
00:22:07.000 And then 30% is... 1.00
00:22:09.000 Shit like what you do, flow, getting into exercise, getting into martial arts, getting into, if you're a writer, getting lost in something, that's the other 30%. 0.99
00:22:19.000 So you have to strive to control that 30% by not letting the 20% get any bigger and giving yourself the room to, you know, have that balance. 0.99
00:22:31.000 And it seems like exercise is like the number one thing.
00:22:35.000 Yeah, that's a huge part.
00:22:36.000 You've got to keep your body alive.
00:22:38.000 You've got to keep it moving.
00:22:39.000 You've got to keep stressing it.
00:22:41.000 You've got to keep making it, keep regenerating.
00:22:43.000 You keep sending impulses into it, firing your hormonal system.
00:22:48.000 You've got to force yourself to work. 0.99
00:22:50.000 If you don't force your body to work, who wants to just give the fuck up? 0.97
00:22:53.000 Use it or lose it. 0.97
00:22:54.000 Yeah.
00:22:55.000 But they say the same thing I was saying before.
00:22:57.000 I heard about this in the documentary about how you're...
00:23:02.000 What are the chemicals that make you happy again?
00:23:04.000 Endorphins.
00:23:04.000 Yeah, your endorphin receptors start to dry out.
00:23:07.000 They start to die.
00:23:08.000 And the more you use them, the less they die.
00:23:11.000 So they say, try different activities.
00:23:12.000 Learn a new language.
00:23:13.000 Try a new sport.
00:23:15.000 Travel somewhere you haven't been.
00:23:16.000 Do ecstasy.
00:23:19.000 Maybe.
00:23:20.000 Maybe.
00:23:20.000 I could be part of it.
00:23:21.000 Yeah, I don't discount the idea of any really big psychedelic experience for helping you.
00:23:28.000 I've learned a lot about myself doing them.
00:23:31.000 In the regular one that I do, the isolation tank, just that, just getting high and getting that thing, it's mind-blowing enough.
00:23:40.000 I have some pretty intense visionary experiences doing that.
00:23:45.000 Do you remember them clearly?
00:23:46.000 Some of them I remember really clearly. 0.88
00:23:50.000 The one I've talked about before, it's so retarded. 1.00
00:23:53.000 But it really did happen. 0.54
00:23:56.000 I was in the jungle.
00:23:57.000 And I was walking through the jungle.
00:24:00.000 And there was a bunch of people.
00:24:01.000 We were barefoot.
00:24:03.000 And they were talking, and I knew their language.
00:24:07.000 I understood what they were saying.
00:24:09.000 The language was not English.
00:24:10.000 It was a different language.
00:24:12.000 They were talking, and I understood it in their language, in my head.
00:24:16.000 And then I freaked out. 0.98
00:24:17.000 And then I said, what the fuck am I... And then when I freaked out, I spelled it out to myself, like in English. 0.99
00:24:24.000 Like, what the fuck am I doing... 0.99
00:24:26.000 I am listening to a language and I understand it in that language. 0.99
00:24:32.000 But I said that in English and then I snapped out of it and woke up.
00:24:36.000 And it was the creepiest thing.
00:24:39.000 Because just like when you have this conversation with me and I know exactly what you're saying because I speak English, I knew exactly what they were saying.
00:24:48.000 But it was not English.
00:24:50.000 But I knew what the intent was.
00:24:51.000 I knew exactly what they were saying.
00:24:53.000 And I understood it in their own language. 0.97
00:24:55.000 It was freaky as fuck because it felt so real. 0.96
00:24:59.000 So you had two selves in a way. 0.98
00:25:01.000 There was the guy watching the guy speaking the language, standing, observing.
00:25:05.000 Yes, yes, yes.
00:25:06.000 That's what woke me up out of it.
00:25:08.000 I couldn't stay in it.
00:25:09.000 It was so crazy that I couldn't stay in it.
00:25:12.000 It just was like, what?
00:25:13.000 I wasn't capable of holding the hallucination.
00:25:17.000 Do you ever think about that though?
00:25:18.000 Because I think that that has a lot to do with maybe happiness or maybe sanity is that we all do have a couple voices.
00:25:24.000 You have the guy judging yourself and then you have your id, your animal impulses.
00:25:31.000 Freud would say it's like your ego and your superego.
00:25:35.000 Right. 1.00
00:25:38.000 You are observing yourself all the time, and the guy that's observing you is the fucking asshole. 1.00
00:25:44.000 He's the one that's socializing you and getting you to do what's appropriate, which you need to a certain degree, but the balance within that, I think it's the distance between the two voices. 1.00
00:25:54.000 Right.
00:25:55.000 You know, obviously, if you completely became transcendent, maybe the Dalai Lama has one voice, and how close can you get those voices?
00:26:05.000 Hmm.
00:26:06.000 Really close, I bet.
00:26:08.000 Yeah, well, you know, there is the momentum life, and then there's the, every now and then, your, like, objective assessment of the life that you're living on momentum.
00:26:17.000 Like, sometimes your just life is on momentum for, like, long slides, and then you need, like, another perspective on yourself.
00:26:25.000 A little speed bump.
00:26:26.000 You need to go, slow down, what's going on here, buddy?
00:26:30.000 How are you really thinking?
00:26:32.000 How are you really living?
00:26:33.000 I think that those reset situations that you can get in life, whether they're a strong yoga class, whether it's a DUI. That could do it too, yeah.
00:26:44.000 It could be external. 1.00
00:26:45.000 Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. 1.00
00:26:46.000 Well, you could realize like, holy shit, I'm a fucking loser. 1.00
00:26:50.000 I'm out there driving drunk. 1.00
00:26:52.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:26:52.000 Yeah, for sure that could fucking snap you over into a realistic perspective on where you're at. 0.98
00:26:58.000 And the other voice then steps up. 0.89
00:27:01.000 Yeah.
00:27:01.000 Those little epiphanies can happen and then all of a sudden that guy that was in the flow is like, dude, get in the back seat.
00:27:08.000 I got the wheel for a little while.
00:27:09.000 We're going to get it back on the road here.
00:27:11.000 Yeah.
00:27:12.000 You know?
00:27:13.000 And it's like, you know, for me, having a wife and kids and not drinking, I don't have much escape.
00:27:21.000 So, I really do struggle with that. 0.99
00:27:24.000 Like, the guy that's telling me to do the right thing, and I realize I drive a fucking Prius. 0.86
00:27:28.000 I have college savings accounts for my kids. 0.99
00:27:31.000 I fucking exercise. 0.99
00:27:32.000 Well, that's great stuff, man. 0.99
00:27:34.000 It's great stuff, but there's a part of me that feels like that animal inside.
00:27:38.000 Right. 1.00
00:27:38.000 And I'm not going to fuck around. 1.00
00:27:41.000 I'm not going to drink. 1.00
00:27:43.000 So I try to find other ways, and part of it is just being a clown. 0.99
00:27:47.000 When I'm out with my wife, I fuck around with everybody. 0.99
00:27:50.000 Parking attendant, waiter. 1.00
00:27:52.000 To me, it's like being out with her and having fun is the fucking greatest and making her embarrassed. 0.97
00:27:57.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 0.91
00:27:58.000 She protests, but she loves it, and that's our relationship.
00:28:00.000 Oh, that's really funny.
00:28:01.000 That sounds like fun.
00:28:02.000 That sounds like fun.
00:28:04.000 Yeah, I put a napkin on my head at a restaurant last week, and she actually got mad at me, because I wouldn't take it off.
00:28:09.000 It was like a really nice restaurant.
00:28:11.000 That's hilarious.
00:28:13.000 God, I want to see that.
00:28:14.000 That is such a Fitzsimmons sense of humor moment.
00:28:21.000 You just love being able to do that to her.
00:28:24.000 Just do it and realize that you are so different from me.
00:28:27.000 That's what you're saying. 1.00
00:28:28.000 Because she grew up in New York City in a fucking, not a great neighborhood. 1.00
00:28:32.000 She's a sophisticated chick. 1.00
00:28:33.000 You know, she's got her master's in social work and, you know, but... 0.96
00:28:38.000 She's not wild at all.
00:28:40.000 She's very dressed down.
00:28:42.000 But she accepts me because she grew up around insanity.
00:28:45.000 Right, right, right.
00:28:46.000 So it's a perfect combination.
00:28:47.000 And she reigns me in peacefully.
00:28:49.000 She's not a nagging wife. 0.88
00:28:51.000 She's not a ball buster. 1.00
00:28:52.000 But she is almost that other voice that gently I just watch her and she peacefully brings me back into my kids.
00:29:00.000 Sometimes you go away and you come back and you see your kid and it's like you're not connected and you've got to work your way back in.
00:29:08.000 And she's like my guide.
00:29:10.000 She brings me back into it.
00:29:11.000 That's awesome, man.
00:29:13.000 Yeah, if you can find someone, you gel with them and you enhance each other.
00:29:16.000 That's what relationships are all about.
00:29:18.000 I mean, that's what we all hope for.
00:29:20.000 But the crazy thing is how rare that is.
00:29:23.000 But it's work, too.
00:29:25.000 I don't think it's not a perfect soulmate.
00:29:27.000 But I mean, how many people do you know that are truly happy in their relationships?
00:29:33.000 What is the percentage?
00:29:35.000 You know, how many people do you know that are struggling?
00:29:38.000 I would say...
00:29:38.000 How many people do you know that fight a lot?
00:29:39.000 Probably half.
00:29:40.000 Probably half the married couples I know really, like, have a...
00:29:43.000 Like, to the point where they say it out loud, it's a thing.
00:29:46.000 Yeah, I would agree with you.
00:29:48.000 I think the people that I come in contact with is about half.
00:29:51.000 Half of them seem like a nice couple.
00:29:53.000 Look at that, they seem friendly and seem like they enjoy each other's company.
00:29:57.000 And then half of them, they just snipe at each other and they do it right in front of you.
00:30:02.000 Oh man, that's so rude.
00:30:05.000 You know what I'm doing.
00:30:05.000 You know what I'm doing.
00:30:06.000 Just stop it.
00:30:07.000 Stop it now.
00:30:08.000 Do you see what he does?
00:30:09.000 You see it, right?
00:30:10.000 This is what I deal with.
00:30:11.000 Oh.
00:30:14.000 Those relationships are ruthless to watch, man.
00:30:17.000 Because that's out in public.
00:30:18.000 You've got to imagine what it's like behind closed doors.
00:30:21.000 You know, that's...
00:30:22.000 Did you see that video of a basketball player who was a first-round draft pick?
00:30:28.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:30:28.000 Did you see that, Brian?
00:30:30.000 Brutal.
00:30:30.000 The dude beat his girlfriend up and did it on camera.
00:30:34.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, in front of his daughter.
00:30:36.000 Was it in front of his daughter?
00:30:37.000 Wasn't there a little girl there?
00:30:39.000 Are you talking about, like, he reached over the fence?
00:30:41.000 No, no, no.
00:30:42.000 It looked like it was in some sort of a hotel or apartment lobby or something like that.
00:30:51.000 Somewhere where they had a security camera.
00:30:52.000 Wherever it was. 1.00
00:30:53.000 He's this big fucking dude. 0.99
00:30:56.000 Big super athlete basketball player. 1.00
00:30:59.000 And he kicks her to the ground and smacks her in the head. 1.00
00:31:04.000 And you watch this. 0.98
00:31:04.000 It's terrifying. 0.98
00:31:05.000 She's really little, man.
00:31:07.000 She's not a big person.
00:31:09.000 And he's giant! 1.00
00:31:11.000 And apparently he just beat her ass. 1.00
00:31:14.000 And they sentenced him to a bunch of different shit, man. 1.00
00:31:18.000 They sentenced him to, like, all told, I think he has to go to jail for like three years. 0.99
00:31:23.000 No! 1.00
00:31:24.000 No shit! 1.00
00:31:25.000 Yeah, and he just looked around. 1.00
00:31:27.000 When he probably dropped a fucking $20 million contract, too. 0.98
00:31:31.000 Well, you should see the video, too. 0.99
00:31:32.000 The video is crazy.
00:31:33.000 He collapses in the courtroom.
00:31:37.000 Collapses.
00:31:37.000 And he was like, oh no, no, no, no, no!
00:31:41.000 Fell down, collapsed. 0.96
00:31:43.000 I mean, it was really fucking intense. 0.99
00:31:46.000 It's terrifying. 0.99
00:31:47.000 I mean, he realized that he was going to go to jail for three fucking years. 0.99
00:31:50.000 You know what sucks about that is, that ain't going to change the dude, and that ain't going to change any other domestic abuser. 0.98
00:31:56.000 Putting people in jail, it's like, why isn't there more like...
00:32:00.000 You know, especially in the inner city where you see people with less father figures and you see more violence, to really make it a part of schools that you learn how to respect women, how to respect, you know, the opposite sex, because it is something that is cyclical and it is cultural.
00:32:17.000 You see a higher instance of domestic abuse with poor people. 1.00
00:32:20.000 And, you know, that shit, jail doesn't change that shit. 1.00
00:32:23.000 It just causes more anger. 1.00
00:32:25.000 Yeah, it's not like it's a great place where they're going to sit around and do ayahuasca and find their spirit self and realize where they went wrong on their path to enlightenment.
00:32:33.000 Surrounded by dudes.
00:32:35.000 Yeah, it's a mess.
00:32:36.000 The whole idea's a mess.
00:32:37.000 And then you get into the fact that there's private prisons in this country.
00:32:41.000 That's one of the most mind-boggling facts about American culture. 0.99
00:32:47.000 It just makes you wonder, like, what is the intention of the people running this fucking place where they've allowed it to get so crazy? 0.99
00:32:55.000 It's a holiday inn. 0.99
00:32:55.000 They don't want vacancies. 0.99
00:32:56.000 They got vacancies, they're losing money. 0.99
00:32:58.000 You gotta fucking get some reservation people out there. 0.99
00:33:00.000 That's what the cops are. 0.99
00:33:01.000 They're reservationists for the prisons.
00:33:03.000 Oh, yeah.
00:33:05.000 It's almost like that, huh?
00:33:07.000 Yeah.
00:33:07.000 It's funny that the police officers' unions will actually lobby and vote.
00:33:13.000 They try to make sure that certain drugs aren't made legal. 0.99
00:33:19.000 No shit. 0.99
00:33:20.000 Yeah, sure. 0.99
00:33:21.000 That makes sense.
00:33:22.000 Yeah, police officers' unions, or not police officers' unions, but what would they call them?
00:33:27.000 PBA? What do they call the people that work at jails?
00:33:30.000 Corrections officers?
00:33:31.000 Corrections officers, yeah.
00:33:34.000 Corrections officers, they'll actually use their money and influence to try to make sure that drugs stay illegal.
00:33:42.000 Speaking of which, number one domestic abusers in the country.
00:33:46.000 Corrections officers?
00:33:47.000 Really?
00:33:47.000 Yep.
00:33:48.000 Jesus Christ.
00:33:49.000 Super high rate of alcoholism.
00:33:50.000 I read this book about Sing Sing.
00:33:52.000 Of course, it's a terrible job.
00:33:54.000 It's terrible for them, man.
00:33:55.000 I mean, I don't have anything against corrections officers. 0.91
00:33:58.000 It's a terrible place to be, to be just completely surrounded by people who are locked in a cage, and you're not, and you walk amongst them all the time, and they can just take a fucking free run at you at any moment.
00:34:09.000 You live your life in constant stress.
00:34:11.000 Yeah.
00:34:12.000 Yeah, I don't envy them by any stretch of the imagination.
00:34:14.000 I think that if you're going to really take putting someone in a jail and reform seriously, you're going to have to come up with a way better method than what they're doing.
00:34:26.000 Oh, yeah.
00:34:26.000 This is ridiculous, because this isn't reforming anybody.
00:34:29.000 No, I read this book about Sing Sing. 0.90
00:34:32.000 This journalist went undercover as a prison guard for two years. 0.99
00:34:36.000 And he came out of it, he divorced his wife, he was an alcoholic, and he was living in a fucking one-bedroom shack. 0.99
00:34:43.000 His whole life fell apart. 0.99
00:34:45.000 And he said that the alcoholism on the inside, he said it's just, and it becomes consuming.
00:34:50.000 It becomes a challenge that you take with you when you leave work.
00:34:53.000 It's not, you go to your job, you finish, and then you go have your life. 0.99
00:34:56.000 It becomes these motherfuckers, and I'm going to do this, and it eats you up. 1.00
00:35:00.000 You become part of it. 1.00
00:35:03.000 Yeah, human beings are weird as fuck. 0.98
00:35:06.000 Trying to figure out how our behavior lends us astray, or leads us astray rather, and how we can try to get it back on track, if it's at all even possible, like as a group of us. 0.99
00:35:20.000 It's like when you look at just the massive amount of crazy human momentum-type behavior, where we're just on a momentum... 0.99
00:35:28.000 Like, here's a thing in New York where they had to recently pass something that makes rabbis have to get consent first before they suck your kid's dick. 1.00
00:35:37.000 Suck? 1.00
00:35:38.000 Yes. 1.00
00:35:39.000 Do you know when you circumcise a child, the rabbi traditionally will suck upon the boy's penis to stop the bleeding? 1.00
00:35:45.000 No. 1.00
00:35:46.000 Yes.
00:35:46.000 Yes.
00:35:47.000 Is this just with Orthodox, or is this all Jewish?
00:35:49.000 I don't know what sect of Judaism.
00:35:52.000 I don't really care what they call themselves. 0.99
00:35:54.000 Whatever silly people do this. 0.98
00:35:56.000 It's real. 0.99
00:35:57.000 They've had babies die in very recent times because the baby will get herpes from the mouth of the, what I think they call the mohel. 0.86
00:36:06.000 Yes, that's a tradition. 0.99
00:36:08.000 There's a guy, it's like, there's this nutty fucking video of this guy defending it, and he explains it in the word, the Hebrew word, which, like, means to suck. 0.98
00:36:18.000 Like, it strictly says that that's how you're supposed to deal with that. 0.98
00:36:23.000 So that's what they're doing. 0.99
00:36:24.000 And you're just discounting, my thought is that you're just discounting that this fucking baby is not going to remember this experience. 0.99
00:36:30.000 Uh-huh. 0.99
00:36:31.000 How do we not know that that's some nightmare in the back of his mind? 1.00
00:36:35.000 Like, constantly fucking with him. 1.00
00:36:37.000 Dude, the sucking is nothing. 1.00
00:36:38.000 Cutting the dick is where it starts. 1.00
00:36:40.000 Yeah, cutting the dick and then sucking it. 1.00
00:36:42.000 It's really satanic shit. 1.00
00:36:44.000 Yeah, it's tribal. 1.00
00:36:46.000 And it all goes back to shit. 0.99
00:36:48.000 Like, you know that the American Medical Association no longer recommends circumcisions. 0.99
00:36:53.000 In third world countries, they do to prevent AIDS and other transmitted diseases.
00:36:58.000 I've never got that. 0.99
00:36:59.000 How is getting your dick cut? 1.00
00:37:01.000 I'm going to prevent AIDS. Well, it used to be because the fold around the crown would get germs in. 1.00
00:37:06.000 You're going to get AIDS that way?
00:37:07.000 Really?
00:37:08.000 Really? 0.99
00:37:08.000 That seems so ridiculous. 0.99
00:37:10.000 I think it gets infected more because there's shit that gets in there. 1.00
00:37:13.000 Wash your dick, you don't get AIDS. That's my point. 1.00
00:37:16.000 We got running water.
00:37:17.000 So this is just for people who can't even wash their... 1.00
00:37:18.000 Oh, so because we don't have running water, they're getting AIDS through their foreskin? 0.63
00:37:23.000 Yes, which is true. 0.81
00:37:25.000 Their foreskin makes AIDS? Well, anything that folds back around a gland, like a vagina, basically, collects way more diseases than a penis. 0.99
00:37:32.000 Men don't catch AIDS almost ever from straight-up sex with a woman who has AIDS. But if you've got a vagina, you've got a really good chance of getting AIDS if you have sex with somebody. 0.99
00:37:43.000 If you have any kind of tear in your vaginal wall or ceilings or floors or shades or blinds or your lips, slats... 0.99
00:37:53.000 Do you know that there's a doctor who doesn't believe that? 1.00
00:37:56.000 It's terrifying when you're too stupid to know who's dumb. 0.99
00:38:03.000 Because there's this guy, his name is Dr. Peter Duisburg, and I've read all his stuff, and I know that he's a... 1.00
00:38:11.000 A professor of biology, I believe, at the University of California, Berkeley.
00:38:15.000 He's like a legit guy.
00:38:17.000 And his whole idea is that HIV is not what causes AIDS. Oh, yeah, I heard about this guy.
00:38:24.000 Well, President of South Africa said the same thing.
00:38:26.000 Did he really?
00:38:27.000 Yeah, the biggest AIDS country in the world. 0.77
00:38:29.000 By the way, I meant HIV before when I was talking about transmitting diseases and not AIDS. Well, I am way too stupid to understand who's right and who's wrong, you know, because obviously there's a bunch of geneticists and a bunch of disease specialists who completely disagree with him, and they think that HIV does cause AIDS. I wish I was smart enough to know what the fuck, who's, where it's ridiculous.
00:38:50.000 Well, it's all shit happening at a molecular level. 0.99
00:38:53.000 It's all guesses, but it's percentages. 0.99
00:38:56.000 And if you say that when we see these symptoms of immune deficiencies happening in people that have lesions and are losing weight, then we often find that before that, that the immune leads to lesions and the outbreak of AIDS. So why not play those odds, since we'll never know the actual truth, if there even is one?
00:39:15.000 Do you think that's what they're doing?
00:39:17.000 What Dewsburg is saying is that it's linked to partying.
00:39:21.000 What he's saying is that it's dudes do like meth and go crazy and poppers and email nitrates.
00:39:28.000 Apparently those poppers are unbelievably bad for you.
00:39:31.000 Like instant brain damage.
00:39:33.000 Yeah.
00:39:36.000 Doing that partying on a regular basis like that just wrecks your immune system.
00:39:41.000 It's why third world countries get AIDS more is because when you're malnourished and your system is worn down, you tear easier.
00:39:48.000 Your tissues break open and your immune system can't fight back as much.
00:39:52.000 So it's about wealthy countries get it less because they're in better shape.
00:39:58.000 So what you think is that HIV is something that can be avoided?
00:40:03.000 I think the likelihood of getting it is increased when your system is worn down and you're malnourished and you don't have enough fluids in you, then you tear and that's where you have more cuts around you because your skin, everything is just not as elastic and strong.
00:40:21.000 And that's all coming from sex then.
00:40:22.000 It's just completely sexually transmitted. 1.00
00:40:25.000 Yeah, you put a penis in a vagina and you rub it back and forth and something tears and then the semen gets in there. 1.00
00:40:30.000 Boom. 1.00
00:40:31.000 HIV. Remember when you were a kid and you thought everybody would be dead of AIDS by now?
00:40:35.000 I know.
00:40:36.000 We were convinced.
00:40:37.000 Well, we caught the wave. 1.00
00:40:39.000 We got fucked. 1.00
00:40:39.000 We got scared. 1.00
00:40:41.000 Do you ever remember what happened the first time you took an AIDS test?
00:40:45.000 Yes.
00:40:46.000 Did you panic? 0.99
00:40:47.000 I fucking panicked. 1.00
00:40:49.000 I fucking panicked. 0.99
00:40:50.000 Because it's like a 24-hour wait. 1.00
00:40:51.000 Yeah, I fucking panicked, man. 0.97
00:40:53.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:40:54.000 I fucking panicked. 0.99
00:40:55.000 I thought about some weird drunk nights on the road as a 20-year-old, you know, 21-year-old. 0.99
00:41:03.000 Come on, man.
00:41:05.000 I caught gonorrhea once.
00:41:06.000 I caught chlamydia once.
00:41:08.000 Jesus!
00:41:08.000 So is it really green when you pee?
00:41:10.000 Yes.
00:41:11.000 It hurts.
00:41:12.000 It hurts worse than any.
00:41:13.000 And you're fighting your need to urinate.
00:41:16.000 Full bladder.
00:41:17.000 But every ounce that comes out, you are ready to fall on the floor screaming.
00:41:22.000 Wow.
00:41:23.000 Yeah, it's nice. 1.00
00:41:24.000 And then one shot in the ass, gone. 1.00
00:41:26.000 Did you tell there's a syphilis outbreak in porn? 1.00
00:41:29.000 Yeah. 0.95
00:41:30.000 Really?
00:41:30.000 Some dude got syphilis and then, like, didn't show his full medicals, didn't show...
00:41:36.000 No, he faked his...
00:41:37.000 Took the shot.
00:41:38.000 He took a shot, and he thought he was cleaning in 10 days.
00:41:41.000 That's his story.
00:41:43.000 And apparently 11 days...
00:41:45.000 He didn't even...
00:41:45.000 He waited one day.
00:41:46.000 And then the next day, he did a movie and gave people syphilis. 0.63
00:41:52.000 Because it's Domino. 0.99
00:41:53.000 She then has sex with four other guys. 1.00
00:41:55.000 I mean, he didn't even get another check.
00:41:58.000 He didn't even get another blood test to see if it's still in his system.
00:42:01.000 Wow.
00:42:01.000 He didn't even...
00:42:02.000 He just said, I gotta work.
00:42:04.000 Well, because you don't have to.
00:42:05.000 My friend is the head of the...
00:42:08.000 Venereal Disease Department of the Health Service for California.
00:42:12.000 Lucky.
00:42:12.000 His whole thing is trying to get...
00:42:14.000 I mean, he knows as much about porn as I do because that's his whole thing.
00:42:18.000 It's like, you know when they started using condoms?
00:42:21.000 That was him.
00:42:21.000 And he said that the testing, once a month you get tested, which means the gestation period for HIV is like 20 days or whatever.
00:42:30.000 So you're never really catching it.
00:42:32.000 And that there's one agency that does the testing for all the porn movies and it's not even a medical office.
00:42:38.000 It's not a doctor.
00:42:40.000 It's a clinic.
00:42:41.000 Yeah, but they closed all these places down so that they're all forced to go to like one place now where it used to be really convenient that like you should be able to go to any doctor, get a test, get all the tests because it's all the blood sent to the same place as these labs.
00:42:56.000 Yeah. 0.87
00:42:56.000 But they're not letting them do that anymore, so now they're all forced to go to this one sketchy place, and so there's all these creepy people that hang out there trying to fuck with them and stuff like that. 0.87
00:43:06.000 Yeah, and it's also, they have to pay for it. 0.94
00:43:08.000 The actors pay for the test themselves. 0.98
00:43:10.000 What fucking job that you go to, I mean, first of all, it's a law. 0.99
00:43:15.000 You have to get tested to work. 1.00
00:43:16.000 If it's a law, why the fuck are they paying for it? 0.98
00:43:19.000 Yeah, that is a business that didn't get a bailout. 0.99
00:43:22.000 That business crumbled.
00:43:24.000 Yeah.
00:43:24.000 I mean, there's guys still making money.
00:43:26.000 There's, like, the very clever computer guys.
00:43:28.000 But you think about, like, the business of pornography and how many people watch pornography and then the fact that all of a sudden no one was paying for it anymore.
00:43:38.000 Like, all of a sudden it all just went away.
00:43:39.000 And it's gotten bigger!
00:43:41.000 And porn's everywhere.
00:43:42.000 Yeah.
00:43:43.000 It's everywhere and it's free.
00:43:44.000 Not if Mitt Romney gets an offer.
00:43:45.000 That's the number one profiteer from pornography...
00:43:49.000 Guess who it is?
00:43:50.000 Mitt Romney.
00:43:51.000 Nope.
00:43:51.000 Close.
00:43:51.000 It's another Mormon.
00:43:53.000 Really?
00:43:54.000 Who?
00:43:54.000 The Marriott family.
00:43:56.000 They own more hotel chains that sell porn, and that's the only place people are paying for it anymore.
00:44:01.000 They're the number one profiter from pornography.
00:44:04.000 Yeah, people do. 0.96
00:44:05.000 Squeaky clean Mormons. 1.00
00:44:06.000 People do pay for it still.
00:44:07.000 Allegedly.
00:44:08.000 I should say that so I don't get it.
00:44:10.000 That they're squeaky clean?
00:44:11.000 No, no.
00:44:12.000 That they're the number one.
00:44:13.000 Oh, yeah.
00:44:14.000 I think they made, well, if they're not number one, they made a fuckload of money.
00:44:18.000 I would say Motel 6 would be number one.
00:44:20.000 No, but I think they own it.
00:44:21.000 I think Marriott owns a lot of just chains. 0.98
00:44:23.000 Yeah, they're pornographers. 1.00
00:44:24.000 Those dirty pornographers, the Marriott's. 1.00
00:44:26.000 Isn't that crazy? 1.00
00:44:28.000 I wonder if you found out they made millions a year from pornography.
00:44:31.000 There's businessmen on the road, weeping at the end of the bed.
00:44:36.000 At least it's on the expense account.
00:44:39.000 That's why they do it so much.
00:44:40.000 It's all on the expense account.
00:44:42.000 They don't question you for those $40 movies?
00:44:44.000 They don't mark them anymore.
00:44:46.000 They don't mark anything?
00:44:47.000 They don't give you a title on the bill.
00:44:49.000 Just moving.
00:44:50.000 Of course, yeah.
00:44:50.000 They can't give you a title on the bill.
00:44:52.000 They had to know a long time ago that was a must.
00:44:55.000 When you bought porn, because I'm assuming you don't anymore, what was your thing?
00:44:59.000 What section were you in shopping?
00:45:01.000 I didn't ever have a thing.
00:45:04.000 Never really got too specific.
00:45:08.000 The thing about porn is you want to see different people.
00:45:13.000 Even if one girl's really pretty, you get bored.
00:45:17.000 I started off girl-girl only.
00:45:20.000 I didn't even want any girls in the picture. 1.00
00:45:22.000 Brian's like, let me just pretend that we're all in a slumber party and I'm going to be your best BFF ever.
00:45:28.000 Well, it's just something I didn't see every day.
00:45:31.000 I have had sex, but I never saw two girls together. 1.00
00:45:34.000 That shit was like aliens to me. 1.00
00:45:36.000 Yeah, it's strange. 1.00
00:45:39.000 But they look happy, usually.
00:45:42.000 I just like to see a dream crush.
00:45:43.000 In my clip, I need a dream crush.
00:45:45.000 I need a casting couch. 0.58
00:45:47.000 Oh, those are the best.
00:45:48.000 Yeah.
00:45:49.000 Those are hilarious.
00:45:50.000 Or the, what was it?
00:45:52.000 Was it Bang Boss that you used to pull over? 1.00
00:45:55.000 And people would just fuck. 1.00
00:45:57.000 Get in the car. 1.00
00:45:58.000 We've got a porno star. 1.00
00:45:59.000 Holy shit. 1.00
00:46:00.000 My favorite now is Fucking Machines. 1.00
00:46:02.000 Wasn't that kid, the kid that was in some, what movie was that? 0.99
00:46:07.000 The kid that had done a porn when he was young, he did like a Bang Brothers? 1.00
00:46:12.000 Jonathan.
00:46:13.000 Yes.
00:46:13.000 Yeah, from Project X. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:46:16.000 What was his story again?
00:46:17.000 He just, he did a, I think it was a Bang Bus. 0.68
00:46:21.000 How old was he?
00:46:22.000 I think he just turned 18 or something like that.
00:46:25.000 He's a John...
00:46:26.000 I can't even think of his last name right now, but he was in that movie Project X, and he's a big, chubby, nerdy kid with glasses.
00:46:32.000 Really? 0.99
00:46:32.000 And he was in a movie where he fucked... 0.99
00:46:36.000 I think it was his first time, too. 1.00
00:46:38.000 Like, four girls in a bus. 0.92
00:46:41.000 And he...
00:46:42.000 The funny part was, though, is that...
00:46:44.000 Was it really four girls?
00:46:46.000 I think it was.
00:46:47.000 Good for him.
00:46:48.000 And the funny thing was that he had, like, a huge hog, so it's just like... 0.97
00:46:51.000 It was, like, so weird that, like, I actually knew him before, like, like, we had him on, I had him on a few podcasts, like, I didn't know about it, and so just, like, knowing a guy and then finding out he was in porn, and then seeing his, his hog. 0.84
00:47:03.000 Well, that happened with me with, you know, Simon Rex from MTV? Simon Rex.
00:47:08.000 He was, like, one of the original VJs on MTV. Yeah, doesn't he, he has another name now?
00:47:12.000 Yeah, he has a band now.
00:47:14.000 Dirt Nasty?
00:47:15.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:47:16.000 And he's good. 0.99
00:47:17.000 He's a fucking good guy. 0.99
00:47:17.000 He's been on my podcast. 0.99
00:47:19.000 What song?
00:47:21.000 The 80s?
00:47:22.000 Is that what it is?
00:47:23.000 I can't remember.
00:47:24.000 The song about the 80s? 1.00
00:47:26.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:47:27.000 Now I'm gonna go crazy. 1.00
00:47:28.000 We'll drop it into the podcast later.
00:47:31.000 Yeah, but he did some kind of... 0.92
00:47:32.000 He's just masturbating, but I think it was a big hit with the men. 0.97
00:47:35.000 Weird. 0.99
00:47:35.000 The gentleman. 0.99
00:47:37.000 Came out after he was famous. 1.00
00:47:39.000 Fuck, now I'm going crazy trying to remember this fucking song. 1.00
00:47:41.000 You're so crazy. 1.00
00:47:42.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
00:47:44.000 What's wrong with you today? 1.00
00:47:45.000 You gotta stop doing ecstasy so much. 0.95
00:47:47.000 You're breaking your brain, man.
00:47:49.000 You've got a holy brain. 1.00
00:47:51.000 What's the fuck machine? 1.00
00:47:52.000 Cheesy brain. 1.00
00:47:52.000 Fuck machine is called fuckingmachines.com I think it is and it's actually robots that fuck but they're like really high powered like you know like dildos that shoot in and out of them at like 80 miles per hour and they can't control it like they're tied down so like there's somebody sitting there going yeah I'm gonna fuck you hard and like it's really crazy like Dana Dear Mom did it and it seems like you can break your pussy Yeah. 1.00
00:48:19.000 That's a good way to get your pussy all broken. 1.00
00:48:21.000 Some machine, robot, metal dick just fucking stabbing you. 1.00
00:48:26.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:48:26.000 Yeah, whoa. 1.00
00:48:28.000 What if it goes a little too hard?
00:48:29.000 I know.
00:48:30.000 What's wrong with a vibrator where you hold the other end?
00:48:32.000 Is that much of a chore? 1.00
00:48:32.000 Why would you let a machine fuck you? 1.00
00:48:34.000 You gotta be real careful about that kind of shit. 1.00
00:48:36.000 No shit, and what's crazy is that people on those webcam sites are now doing it. 1.00
00:48:40.000 Because they have these, I guess you can easily buy them now for your home. 0.99
00:48:43.000 Like a portable one that's just like, or they make them from a hardware store.
00:48:47.000 But, like, there's this one girl that she's just, like, getting a, like, the dildo is, like, I don't know, 12 inches, maybe? 0.91
00:48:55.000 Like, a huge dildo. 1.00
00:48:57.000 And she was giving a blowjob to it. 1.00
00:48:59.000 What? 1.00
00:48:59.000 And she put it on full blast. 1.00
00:49:01.000 You could just see it, like, her throat get bigger like a snake eating a watermelon. 0.97
00:49:06.000 And it was, like, you're going to hurt yourself.
00:49:10.000 You're going to break something. 0.91
00:49:11.000 You're going to choke or you're going to crack your neck open. 1.00
00:49:14.000 Ugh, so crazy. 0.97
00:49:15.000 And what's weird is that what is like the algorithm in your brain that wants, like when you talk about different, like I used to love Asian chicks. 0.85
00:49:25.000 Yeah.
00:49:25.000 Got into their feet.
00:49:26.000 I was never like, let me suck your feet and jerk off, but I appreciate a nice pair of feet, especially on an Asian woman. 1.00
00:49:31.000 Let's just put that out there. 0.99
00:49:33.000 So then I move on to the casting couch, and I start to wonder on a deeper level, what is it about my personality or my brainwaves that attracts me to a specific thing? 0.99
00:49:44.000 And then what is it that has so broken down the social order that people respond to machines fucking? 0.99
00:49:50.000 It's like the flesh, the softness, the humanity has been stripped away, and all that's left is the violent part of fucking. 0.99
00:49:58.000 Have you heard of this new discovery at Harvard? 0.99
00:50:02.000 They've created a cyborg flesh?
00:50:05.000 Of course, at Harvard, because nobody can get laid.
00:50:07.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00
00:50:09.000 I mean, but along those lines, this is literally step one to you creating a robot that's going to fuck you up. 0.99
00:50:18.000 A meat robot. 1.00
00:50:19.000 This is nuts, man. 1.00
00:50:21.000 Fuck the flying jetpack. 1.00
00:50:22.000 This is pretty intense shit. 1.00
00:50:24.000 To create the cyborg flesh, you start with a three-dimensional scaffold that encourages cells to grow around them. 0.99
00:50:29.000 These scaffolds are generally made of collagen, which makes up the connective tissue in almost every animal.
00:50:35.000 The Harvard engineers basically took normal collagen and wove nanowires and transistors into the matrix to create a nanoelectric scaffold.
00:50:48.000 The neurons, heart cells, muscles, and blood vessels were then grown as normal, creating cyborg tissue with a built-in sensor network.
00:50:58.000 Is this the...
00:50:59.000 Plot of a porn movie or this is reality?
00:51:01.000 This is reality, man. 1.00
00:51:02.000 This is crazy shit. 1.00
00:51:05.000 This is like cyborg flesh. 1.00
00:51:08.000 They're figuring out a way to replace your skin with robot skin.
00:51:13.000 I'm going to see you in 20 years from now and you're going to be a 24-year-old handsome man.
00:51:20.000 Asian. 1.00
00:51:20.000 They're going to take your whole body and slowly replace your skin with some fucking robot skin. 1.00
00:51:27.000 I'm going to have to get used to young Greg. 0.99
00:51:28.000 It's going to be weird.
00:51:29.000 What about the hair?
00:51:30.000 Talk to me about the hair.
00:51:31.000 Even if I could grow my hair, I'd go back to shaving it.
00:51:34.000 It's the most freeing feeling.
00:51:36.000 Just rub it through, but it will stop you from getting a certain type of gal in your life. 1.00
00:51:41.000 Wait, so the Harvard people, they're...
00:51:42.000 They've created an artificial skin. 1.00
00:51:44.000 They've created it to fuck? 1.00
00:51:44.000 No, no, no. 1.00
00:51:46.000 I'm saying this is step one to be a robot that is your sex slave. 1.00
00:51:50.000 Well, that's why... 0.98
00:51:51.000 You know it's all male scientists and the women. 1.00
00:51:53.000 They're like Israel trying to fucking defunct Iran's nuclear program. 0.99
00:51:59.000 They're coming in at night, exposing all the test tubes. 0.98
00:52:02.000 Totally, totally, totally. 1.00
00:52:05.000 Throwing fucking paint in them and shit. 1.00
00:52:08.000 You're never going to get that fake pussy. 1.00
00:52:11.000 Never! 1.00
00:52:12.000 Just fucking lighting their laboratory on fire while they sleep. 1.00
00:52:17.000 Yeah, they finally think they've got one. 1.00
00:52:19.000 She comes out, and they design it like a garbage disposal. 1.00
00:52:22.000 The pussy just fucking devours that little dick. 1.00
00:52:25.000 That little Harvard dick. 1.00
00:52:29.000 You're so funny. 0.99
00:52:30.000 That was such a Boston thing to say. 1.00
00:52:32.000 That little Harvard dick. 1.00
00:52:37.000 You're at your graduation with a gown on, trying to hide the stump. 1.00
00:52:42.000 This thing is really complicated.
00:52:45.000 I don't think I even understood what I just said.
00:52:48.000 But what it seems to me is that this is, I mean, they're going to be, they can create flesh.
00:52:55.000 They've already figured out how to do that.
00:52:57.000 They figured out a way to create meat in, like, essentially like a test tube environment.
00:53:02.000 Yeah.
00:53:02.000 They've had, you know...
00:53:04.000 So it's just a matter of time before...
00:53:06.000 And the meat is replicated DNA? I don't understand it.
00:53:10.000 I'm too stupid to answer that question. 0.99
00:53:12.000 But I guess the big turn is getting it to actually reproduce itself, DNA like it does in humans. 0.99
00:53:19.000 Exactly.
00:53:19.000 But it seems to me that if they can replicate one aspect of it, if they can figure out how to replicate meat...
00:53:26.000 It's just a matter of time.
00:53:27.000 It's like we went from the Model T Ford to the 2013 Corvette.
00:53:32.000 It gets better.
00:53:33.000 It gets better, it gets better, it gets better.
00:53:35.000 When they're doing this now, this is what they're doing now, this is going to expand into something else incredibly freaky.
00:53:44.000 This is going to be incredibly, incredibly freaky.
00:53:46.000 This is cyborg tissue. 0.99
00:53:49.000 You could make a fucking Cylon. 1.00
00:53:52.000 You could make a cyborg. 1.00
00:53:54.000 This is step one. 0.95
00:53:55.000 When they look back in history, when life is like Battlestar Galactica, fucking for real, and we really are fighting off these intelligent robots that we created, this will be the day where people look at this and go... 0.91
00:54:07.000 Wait, what did they do? 0.94
00:54:09.000 What did they make?
00:54:11.000 They started with this and then goes from this to what?
00:54:14.000 And by the time they tell you about this, how far are they along on this?
00:54:18.000 Oh, they'll be the ones telling you about it.
00:54:19.000 Yeah, they'll be clones.
00:54:21.000 Clones will be telling you about cloning.
00:54:23.000 Well, we figured out how to clone.
00:54:25.000 Because the guy is a clone who's telling you about it.
00:54:27.000 Yeah, and the amazing thing is that you look at, like, I went to the Santa Monica Promenade the other day, and they come out of the five-story parking garage with a line of cars at two different stations.
00:54:39.000 No human being.
00:54:40.000 Like, you're literally collecting between $5 and $10 every 15 seconds, all day and night. 1.00
00:54:47.000 You can't pay $12 an hour to some fucking guy to have a job?
00:54:52.000 And that's what's happened is that they talk about unemployment is, you know, the unemployment rate is high. 0.98
00:54:58.000 Well, it's not just high because the economy's not doing good.
00:55:01.000 It's they're slicing jobs with machines everywhere.
00:55:04.000 Just to stay at even with the job rate, you would have to be creating X number of jobs every month. 0.99
00:55:10.000 And with these cyborgs, what the fuck? 0.99
00:55:13.000 Who's going to have a job anymore? 0.99
00:55:16.000 Yeah, who's going to have any sort of a manual labor job? 0.99
00:55:19.000 I welcome the cyborg friends. 1.00
00:55:21.000 I think I'd rather enjoy paying a machine than talking to some fucking retard in a parking garage. 1.00
00:55:27.000 That's not the idea. 1.00
00:55:28.000 I think it's faster, too.
00:55:30.000 It's more convenient.
00:55:31.000 It's faster.
00:55:32.000 Oh! 1.00
00:55:33.000 You're so crazy. 1.00
00:55:35.000 Because here's the problem. 1.00
00:55:37.000 They are going to be intelligent.
00:55:38.000 If they're going to be intelligent, they're going to be able to be sentient, which means they're going to have their own will.
00:55:43.000 They can do whatever they would like to do.
00:55:44.000 The first thing they're going to do is make a better one of them. 0.99
00:55:48.000 They're going to realize what we did wrong, what was stupid about this. 1.00
00:55:51.000 This is shitty. 1.00
00:55:52.000 You thought about this like a person would. 0.99
00:55:53.000 Let's redo this better.
00:55:55.000 And they'll do that almost instantaneously.
00:55:57.000 But that's the big question.
00:55:59.000 In all of this since the 1950s when they started talking about robots and stuff, is can there be a sentient moment?
00:56:06.000 Can there be that transition from something that's been programmed to something that can control itself?
00:56:13.000 You know what would be really horrifying?
00:56:14.000 If there never was a sentient moment, but it acted as if there was one. 0.99
00:56:20.000 And it just ran around like this meat puppet program, just fucking gunning holes in people. 0.99
00:56:26.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:56:26.000 Because it didn't know what it was supposed to do. 0.99
00:56:28.000 Yeah.
00:56:29.000 You could just throw him in the toilet, pour some water on him, he'll stop.
00:56:33.000 You know, like a cell phone.
00:56:35.000 He has electronics.
00:56:36.000 He might better think twice.
00:56:37.000 I think he would probably have that covered, that whole get wet part.
00:56:40.000 It'll double itself.
00:56:42.000 They already know how to do that with cell phones, you know.
00:56:44.000 There's like some product, they dip it. 1.00
00:56:46.000 No shit! 0.99
00:56:47.000 Yeah, they dip your cell phone in this product and you can like literally drop in the ocean, pull it out, dry it off. 0.99
00:56:52.000 Like your existing cell phone?
00:56:53.000 Yeah.
00:56:53.000 You can bring it in and they do this?
00:56:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:56:55.000 Send them the cell phone.
00:56:56.000 They take it and soak it in some kind of crazy polymer that doesn't, I don't know, the word polymer. 0.97
00:57:02.000 I shouldn't even be allowed to say it because I don't even know what the fuck a polymer is. 0.92
00:57:06.000 Whatever. 1.00
00:57:07.000 Plastic shit. 1.00
00:57:07.000 How about that? 1.00
00:57:08.000 Some awesome, super cool plastic shit. 0.99
00:57:10.000 Like a Bobby Lee hand on the road? 0.98
00:57:12.000 That keeps water from getting through to the electronics.
00:57:14.000 Somehow or another.
00:57:15.000 I don't understand it.
00:57:16.000 That's weird.
00:57:17.000 Yeah, but there's demonstrations of it online.
00:57:19.000 I can't remember the name of it, but if you're so curious, you will Google it. 0.99
00:57:23.000 Get some and dip your cock in it and never wear a condom again. 1.00
00:57:26.000 Yeah, I don't think you'd feel as much. 1.00
00:57:28.000 Your dick would be all waxy and shit. 1.00
00:57:30.000 Like every time you're in the shower with your girl, you got a boner. 1.00
00:57:33.000 She's like, why is it so waxy?
00:57:35.000 It's just so weird.
00:57:36.000 It's like the water's just beating up on it. 1.00
00:57:38.000 It's just like the hood of a fucking Chevy. 1.00
00:57:42.000 It's their birthday. 1.00
00:57:43.000 You light your dick on fire and stick it in the cake. 0.99
00:57:47.000 That is one of the nicest qualities about those old American muscle cars was those big, long, giant hoods when you wax the car and then it rained and the water beaded up on that thing and you just kind of swipe the water off. 0.99
00:58:02.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:58:02.000 Those fucking cars, man. 0.99
00:58:04.000 Those were works of art. 1.00
00:58:05.000 I gotta show you this Mustang I saw today.
00:58:07.000 I was over in Burbank.
00:58:09.000 What?
00:58:11.000 Powerful Burbank.
00:58:12.000 Not Burbank.
00:58:13.000 Wherever CBS Radford is.
00:58:15.000 That's Burbank.
00:58:16.000 Isn't it?
00:58:16.000 Parking Garage.
00:58:17.000 No.
00:58:17.000 Studio City?
00:58:18.000 Studio City.
00:58:19.000 Brian, don't be a hater.
00:58:21.000 Don't be starting gang violence.
00:58:23.000 Check this out.
00:58:24.000 Lakeside Mafia.
00:58:26.000 Some kind of special, it said like California edition.
00:58:29.000 I pressed the button.
00:58:30.000 What is it?
00:58:32.000 California edition of what?
00:58:34.000 What are you showing me?
00:58:35.000 It looked like a 68 Mustang, but it had these, maybe you'll recognize it.
00:58:43.000 I've never seen one. 0.99
00:58:44.000 It's hilarious to me how a guy like you doesn't have some fucking crazy car like this. 0.99
00:58:50.000 It's time. 0.99
00:58:51.000 You already convinced me.
00:58:52.000 You have to.
00:58:52.000 This is an old Mustang.
00:58:53.000 I'm up for a head writer job on a...
00:58:55.000 What's that?
00:58:55.000 I said this is an old Mustang.
00:58:56.000 Yeah, that's like a 67 maybe?
00:58:58.000 I don't know the years, but God.
00:58:58.000 But it's got scoops on the side by the doors.
00:59:00.000 The lines of those cars were just so beautiful.
00:59:02.000 And it was a 350 special edition it set on the side.
00:59:06.000 But no, I'm up for a head writer job.
00:59:08.000 That's why I was just over there. 0.97
00:59:09.000 And if I get it, I'm pulling the trigger because I'll be commuting to fucking CBS Radford from Venice every day. 0.94
00:59:14.000 What are you going to get? 0.99
00:59:15.000 I think I'm going to get the Challenger.
00:59:16.000 Dude.
00:59:17.000 Goodbye.
00:59:18.000 It's a lot of gas. 0.99
00:59:19.000 Yeah, it's a lot of gas, but you feel like a fucking man when you get in there. 0.99
00:59:23.000 I love gas. 0.99
00:59:23.000 The rumble of the engine. 0.99
00:59:25.000 Ugh.
00:59:27.000 I rented a Mustang in Ohio. 1.00
00:59:28.000 Fuckin' my wife in the back of it. 1.00
00:59:30.000 You rented a Mustang and didn't like it? 1.00
00:59:32.000 Yeah, 2012 convertible Mustang. 1.00
00:59:34.000 No shit! 0.99
00:59:34.000 Wait, that's the one you were just telling me about. 0.99
00:59:36.000 I have one, I love it.
00:59:37.000 Yeah, but yours is a different style, I think.
00:59:39.000 Well, it's a different experience.
00:59:42.000 It's the GT500. It's 550 horsepower.
00:59:45.000 It's an aluminum block engine.
00:59:46.000 It's the Ford GT engine put into this wobbly-ass convertible body.
00:59:51.000 Oh, it's beautiful.
00:59:52.000 It's so much fun. 0.91
00:59:53.000 It's the most American dick-hard car I've ever driven. 0.99
00:59:57.000 I wouldn't want to drive it every day, but when I drive it, it's fun as fuck. 0.99
01:00:02.000 I don't even think about playing anything except 70s rock in that car. 0.95
01:00:06.000 Because it's just got this rumble.
01:00:08.000 It's like Leonard Skinner all the way.
01:00:10.000 I got on a big Leonard Skinner kick when I bought this car.
01:00:13.000 Because I'm like, this is the kind of music you need to be listening to.
01:00:16.000 Simple Man is perhaps the most moving rock song of all time.
01:00:21.000 A father telling his son...
01:00:23.000 How to be a man. 1.00
01:00:24.000 It's a fucking great song. 1.00
01:00:26.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:00:27.000 The Ballad of Curtis Lowe. 1.00
01:00:29.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:00:30.000 They had some classic shit. 1.00
01:00:32.000 Just so fucking underrated. 1.00
01:00:33.000 But there's something about dudes that guys can, for whatever stupid reason, really viscerally connect with the sound of an engine of a car. 0.99
01:00:42.000 And that kind of 1970s, late 1960s classic rock. 0.97
01:00:50.000 They ball together into one really...
01:00:55.000 Guy-centric experience. 0.99
01:00:57.000 And I don't know what the fuck it is. 0.99
01:00:58.000 It's really weird. 0.99
01:00:59.000 I've tried to assess my love for the rumble of an engine before. 0.90
01:01:03.000 Why it's so retarded with me. 1.00
01:01:05.000 I get a shriek like a little child when I hear a good engine wail. 1.00
01:01:09.000 I just fucking love it. 0.97
01:01:10.000 It just sounds awesome. 1.00
01:01:12.000 But it's stupid. 1.00
01:01:13.000 It's so stupid. 1.00
01:01:14.000 Wouldn't it be better if it was completely silent? 1.00
01:01:16.000 That's what I don't like about the Prius.
01:01:18.000 That it's totally silent.
01:01:19.000 But wouldn't that be awesome?
01:01:21.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:01:22.000 You know, for one thing in this fucking stupid life to not just make a shitload of noise everywhere it goes? 1.00
01:01:27.000 Wouldn't that be awesome? 1.00
01:01:28.000 Well, you know what?
01:01:29.000 Give me a Prius that has a fake sound when I push the accelerator.
01:01:32.000 It just plays on the inside of the car.
01:01:34.000 Well, you know, they have a BMW that does that.
01:01:37.000 The BMW M5 has the sound of the engine transmitted through the speakers.
01:01:42.000 It's really kind of a cheesy move.
01:01:45.000 And it's an automatic...
01:01:47.000 Well, it's double clutch.
01:01:48.000 It's an automatic, but the best way to drive it is to use the paddles, you know, like when they take it on a track.
01:01:54.000 It's an amazing car.
01:01:55.000 I mean, there's nothing bad about the car.
01:01:58.000 It's just the decision to make the sound come through the stereo seems like cheating.
01:02:02.000 It sounds like what it sounds like.
01:02:04.000 They had to make it a turbo.
01:02:07.000 Because there's all these new crazy gas efficiency laws that are coming out, and it's really hard to make the same gas guzzler type engines.
01:02:16.000 And by the time, I think it's 2016, I believe it is, every car is going to have to be above 35 miles a gallon.
01:02:25.000 That's going to be the industry standard. 0.92
01:02:28.000 So all these cars, like these Mustangs and shit, you won't be able to buy them just in a few years from now. 0.96
01:02:33.000 Stock them up. 0.99
01:02:34.000 You can't get anything retarded in a few years. 1.00
01:02:36.000 Yeah.
01:02:37.000 And by the way, the Shelby, the GT500, somehow or another, it doesn't even get a gas guzzler tax.
01:02:43.000 I don't know how that happened.
01:02:45.000 Is it a V8? It's huge.
01:02:46.000 It's a huge V8. But they figured out something to make it really efficient with the supercharger.
01:02:51.000 Well, you were saying, what was the car you can bring on a track that got better mileage than a Prius?
01:02:56.000 Yeah.
01:02:56.000 A BMW N3. Yeah, when you bring a Prius onto a track, Top Gear did this.
01:03:02.000 They took a Prius and they made it go full blast around a racetrack.
01:03:06.000 And all the BMW had to do was keep up with it.
01:03:08.000 And the BMW kept up with it easily and got better gas mileage than the Prius did. 1.00
01:03:13.000 Because the Prius was fighting for its fucking life. 0.99
01:03:15.000 Whereas the BMW was just like sprinting. 0.99
01:03:18.000 Well, yeah, but I think the Prius is designed to save you money, stop and go through town.
01:03:23.000 It's not for highway.
01:03:24.000 Yeah, that's the whole point of the brakes generating extra power, right?
01:03:28.000 Yeah.
01:03:28.000 The brakes help recharge the engine.
01:03:31.000 Mine's got a downshift thing now, so you actually collect even more.
01:03:34.000 It'll decelerate the way if you downshift it would and collect that energy.
01:03:38.000 When are you going to pull the trigger?
01:03:39.000 As soon as I get this job.
01:03:41.000 I'm going to find out in the next week.
01:03:43.000 Women will never understand these conversations. 1.00
01:03:45.000 But we'll never understand fucking handbags. 1.00
01:03:48.000 Do you ever get a handbag conversation with Mrs. Fitzsimmons? 0.99
01:03:51.000 She's not like that at all, thank God.
01:03:53.000 Oh, thank the baby Jesus. 0.97
01:03:54.000 We just went to a big wedding, and she borrowed handbag, jewelry.
01:03:59.000 I felt like such a douche.
01:04:00.000 Oh, that's funny, man. 1.00
01:04:01.000 She was wearing a fucking dress. 1.00
01:04:03.000 I'm like, look, she shopped for two fucking weeks and didn't find anything. 1.00
01:04:09.000 I go into a store, and it's very simple. 0.98
01:04:12.000 I need a shirt.
01:04:13.000 I'm going to this store.
01:04:14.000 I'm walking out with a shirt.
01:04:16.000 That's all it takes.
01:04:17.000 Pants?
01:04:17.000 This store.
01:04:19.000 Christmas shopping.
01:04:20.000 Gotta buy something for the wife? 1.00
01:04:21.000 This store.
01:04:22.000 Coming out with something.
01:04:23.000 She spent two weeks going in and out and did not find anything. 1.00
01:04:26.000 That boggles my fucking mind. 0.99
01:04:28.000 She had the best affairs ever. 1.00
01:04:30.000 Just kidding.
01:04:31.000 No wonder she had no clothes.
01:04:33.000 She keeps on leaving at all these guys' house.
01:04:40.000 So she found a friend that had a dress, though, that she liked.
01:04:45.000 Yep.
01:04:46.000 That's weird.
01:04:46.000 That's hilarious.
01:04:47.000 So what does your wife usually wear? 1.00
01:04:49.000 Like lumberjack shit? 1.00
01:04:50.000 Yeah, she's into flannel. 1.00
01:04:52.000 Timberlands.
01:04:54.000 She's got hay. 1.00
01:04:55.000 She puts hay in her hair. 1.00
01:04:57.000 She's got big tits, so she'll wear 34Ds. 1.00
01:05:02.000 Bam! 1.00
01:05:04.000 And tight jeans. 1.00
01:05:05.000 Not tight tight, but she's got a good fucking body, man. 1.00
01:05:07.000 I swear to God. 1.00
01:05:08.000 I had sex with her the other day, and I was just like, fuck! 1.00
01:05:11.000 God damn it! 1.00
01:05:11.000 Damn it, your body's nice. 1.00
01:05:13.000 You know, I check her out all the time. 1.00
01:05:16.000 And she initiated. 0.98
01:05:18.000 It was fucking nice. 0.98
01:05:19.000 She initiated? 0.98
01:05:20.000 He's giving us full details.
01:05:22.000 I mean, you know, in the living room.
01:05:25.000 Nice. 1.00
01:05:25.000 She fucking walked in. 1.00
01:05:26.000 Took it. 1.00
01:05:26.000 She wanted it. 1.00
01:05:27.000 Any music?
01:05:28.000 Took it.
01:05:28.000 Any music playing?
01:05:30.000 What was on TV? I was on my laptop on the chair in the living room and she fucking lap danced me with no music. 1.00
01:05:37.000 And then we threw down on the couch and then she just walked away. 1.00
01:05:42.000 Kept on doing her shit. 0.99
01:05:46.000 Wouldn't it be funny if Greg and his wife didn't really have sex at all anymore, but he had written all these stories, but he gets them crossed up, and he doesn't realize he told us this one already, but it was a little different before. 0.99
01:05:58.000 He was on the couch last time.
01:06:00.000 But he said the same thing about her walking away.
01:06:04.000 Can you imagine catching someone in a crazy lie?
01:06:07.000 Have the best marriage ever.
01:06:08.000 You just find out it's just death.
01:06:11.000 That was the saddest.
01:06:12.000 I saw a little bit of this movie with Kevin James. 0.99
01:06:16.000 He's a fucking good actor, man. 0.98
01:06:17.000 He's a very good actor. 1.00
01:06:18.000 I mean, my kids watch him in all these movies, and not only does he do physical comedy, but his face can do so much shit, even in a drama. 0.99
01:06:24.000 He's a powerful dude. 0.97
01:06:25.000 His Here Comes the Boom movie is coming out in October, and that's a movie where he plays a MMA fighter.
01:06:34.000 He plays a guy who is a college wrestler.
01:06:37.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98
01:06:37.000 He's fucking great in it, man. 0.98
01:06:38.000 He can act his ass off. 0.99
01:06:40.000 And he can take those silly high-concept movies like that and actually ground it enough to make it funny. 0.96
01:06:45.000 Yeah.
01:06:46.000 But this movie, anyway, he's about to...
01:06:49.000 His friend's going to propose, and he's telling him how great marriage is.
01:06:52.000 He's trying to drag him into it.
01:06:53.000 And then the guy sees his wife cheating, calls her on it, and she goes, well, what do you know about our marriage? 1.00
01:06:59.000 He goes and gets a fucking handjob from a Thai girl every Friday, and it all falls apart, you know? 1.00
01:07:05.000 And this guy wants to get married, but he realizes every married person is spinning another fucking story about their marriage. 1.00
01:07:11.000 And to me, it's like... 0.98
01:07:13.000 You either stay married, like getting divorced, you should never do until you need a divorce. 1.00
01:07:20.000 Then you should get a fucking divorce. 1.00
01:07:22.000 But to live a lie in a marriage, why not kill? 1.00
01:07:24.000 You're not alive if you're doing that. 0.99
01:07:26.000 Yeah.
01:07:27.000 Yeah, some people just can't change.
01:07:30.000 They have a real hard time just moving on to the next thing.
01:07:33.000 They have a really hard time just changing.
01:07:35.000 It's very difficult for some people.
01:07:37.000 That's one of the things in this happy movie.
01:07:39.000 It talks about how the pain, the thing that you think is going to be losing your job, going broke, even getting kicked out of your house, it's never as bad as you think it's going to be, and the fear of it happening controls so much of your actions.
01:07:50.000 It goes away right away.
01:07:51.000 You experience it, and you're in a new reality.
01:07:54.000 All of a sudden, I got no house.
01:07:55.000 I found another place.
01:07:56.000 My life's moving forward.
01:07:59.000 You keep on getting out of sync with us for some reason, your camera, and so I'm trying to fix it.
01:08:04.000 It flashed.
01:08:05.000 I noticed that it flashed.
01:08:06.000 Yeah, I'm trying to fix it right now.
01:08:08.000 As long as the audio's on, I'll be a man of mystery over here.
01:08:11.000 But what was weird is that me and Greg would be talking, and then you would answer like five seconds on delay.
01:08:17.000 What?
01:08:17.000 It was like me and you were in a different world than Joe.
01:08:20.000 It was really trippy to watch.
01:08:22.000 I fixed it once before, then it started happening again.
01:08:25.000 Really?
01:08:26.000 Yeah.
01:08:27.000 Do you think it's because of switching to this laptop?
01:08:28.000 Yeah, probably.
01:08:29.000 Switching to Windows?
01:08:30.000 Yeah.
01:08:30.000 We tried to do the podcast in Windows.
01:08:32.000 The iTunes version will be good, ladies and gentlemen.
01:08:35.000 Go get that audio version.
01:08:36.000 And as far as the video, we gave it a shot.
01:08:39.000 Wait, what is it?
01:08:41.000 We were broadcasting for the first time today.
01:08:43.000 It looks like it's up.
01:08:44.000 Yeah, I fixed it last time and it started happening again.
01:08:47.000 This is the first time we're broadcasting the video portion of it off of a Windows computer.
01:08:51.000 We've never done that before.
01:08:52.000 Why?
01:08:53.000 Because we have one.
01:08:53.000 We have this Alienware computer that gave it to us, so we figured, well, let's try it.
01:08:57.000 Let's try it this way.
01:08:58.000 Normally you do it a different way?
01:08:59.000 Normally we do it through a Mac.
01:09:00.000 But you should always mix it up once in a while, right?
01:09:03.000 We decided to see what would happen, and apparently there's some issues.
01:09:08.000 I wonder if that's a fixable thing?
01:09:11.000 It's probably the power of the laptop.
01:09:14.000 It's trying to handle three webcams at the same time, so I'm guessing...
01:09:19.000 Really? 1.00
01:09:19.000 What a weak-ass bitch. 1.00
01:09:22.000 Well, we went from an iMac, which is like top of the line, to a laptop. 1.00
01:09:25.000 So the three webcams are taking it down?
01:09:28.000 But that's a gaming laptop.
01:09:30.000 Those things have super power when it comes to... 0.96
01:09:32.000 They have two graphics cards.
01:09:33.000 Yeah, but wouldn't that have anything to do...
01:09:35.000 Or is it the information coming at it?
01:09:37.000 It's the CPU. I mean, you're doing three webcams.
01:09:39.000 I don't know.
01:09:40.000 And it's the power of powering those webcams.
01:09:42.000 It's the wrong one.
01:09:43.000 You know, I should have brought that big giant one in.
01:09:45.000 We should have tried it with that one.
01:09:46.000 Because that one is much more powerful.
01:09:48.000 Don't you think?
01:09:49.000 That would be a better move. 0.99
01:09:51.000 That's a lot of shit to put through a computer. 0.98
01:09:54.000 Sorry, folks. 0.98
01:09:55.000 We're trying to do this.
01:09:56.000 Technically, we're a mess.
01:09:57.000 I'm trying to do a two-camera thing backstage.
01:10:00.000 I'm doing a one-hour special, and we're shooting backstage with multi-cameras and trying to stream it live before I go on. 0.98
01:10:07.000 And the director's all on top of that shit, and I was just like, you know what? 0.98
01:10:11.000 What are you doing? 1.00
01:10:12.000 In the stream, live before you go on.
01:10:15.000 Just, you know, I'm backstage. 0.96
01:10:17.000 My two best friends that I grew up with, two biggest fucking troublemakers, because I'm shooting it in Tyree Town, New York, and these guys, I can't even get into what they fucking did, because one of them is the town judge, the other guy's the fire chief. 0.99
01:10:30.000 Fucked up these towns are. 0.99
01:10:32.000 And so the special is going to be me. 0.99
01:10:34.000 They're pulling up, somehow illegally getting the fire truck and pulling me up to the front of the theater on a fire truck.
01:10:39.000 And then at the end, they're leading me out and putting me into a police cruiser and tearing down the street. 0.81
01:10:45.000 So I want to have all my buddies backstage that I used to fuck around with growing up. 0.98
01:10:49.000 All the troublemakers. 0.99
01:10:50.000 And just right up until they announce my name to go on stage, I just want to be fucking around and laughing. 0.99
01:10:56.000 That's a great idea. 0.90
01:10:57.000 That'll get you really warmed up, sort of like when we do the Ice House, the podcast we do right before we do shows.
01:11:03.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:11:03.000 Same sort of thing.
01:11:04.000 That probably inspired me to do it, actually.
01:11:06.000 It's a great move.
01:11:08.000 Think about it.
01:11:09.000 Those are the guys that put you in the frame of mind that made you a comedian in the first place.
01:11:14.000 Yeah, you get into the rhythm of making them laugh and do that to the audience.
01:11:18.000 Yeah, that is, when you get a group of guys and a couple of them are funny, it can get pretty fucking crazy.
01:11:24.000 Yeah.
01:11:24.000 If you get a group of guys and a couple of them are funny.
01:11:27.000 Well, because then you got the guys that their laugh keeps it going. 0.98
01:11:30.000 Then you got the guy you're all shitting on. 0.99
01:11:32.000 Yep. 0.99
01:11:32.000 And you all know the dynamic. 0.99
01:11:34.000 It's like the Beatles.
01:11:35.000 You got four guys and they all have a role.
01:11:37.000 Exactly.
01:11:38.000 It's hilarious.
01:11:40.000 Who was your guys growing up?
01:11:42.000 Well, my two best friends when I was growing up were two Jimmys, and they were both a year ahead of me.
01:11:49.000 So they were graduating, and they were both tradesmen.
01:11:53.000 One Jimmy's a carpenter, and one Jimmy's an electrician.
01:11:56.000 Just real, normal guys.
01:11:58.000 And I lived with one Jimmy, Jimmy Dottilio. 1.00
01:12:01.000 Great fucking guy. 0.99
01:12:02.000 To this day, I talk to him every now and then. 0.99
01:12:04.000 I really don't get to see him that often.
01:12:06.000 I saw him when I was in Boston when I was there for the UFC. Him and my other friend Jimmy, Jimmy Lawless.
01:12:11.000 You saw both of them together?
01:12:13.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:12:13.000 We hung out and then they brought their kids.
01:12:15.000 It's crazy.
01:12:17.000 You know, Jimmy Lawless brought his kid.
01:12:18.000 It's just, it's so weird.
01:12:20.000 His real name is Lawless?
01:12:21.000 Yeah.
01:12:22.000 That's badass.
01:12:23.000 He's a great guy too.
01:12:25.000 Isn't it weird we see this?
01:12:26.000 He's been my buddy since we were like 15. Is it just like old times?
01:12:31.000 Yeah, he's just a great guy.
01:12:33.000 Well, you know, the thing that I've always said about that life, living that life in Boston, it's a hard life to live in that weather.
01:12:42.000 It's a hard place to grow up, too, because people in Boston have extreme blue-collar work ethic, too.
01:12:50.000 There's a lot of that up there, too.
01:12:52.000 There's a lot of people that, like, when I was in high school, I felt so lazy.
01:12:56.000 Because I knew like 10 dudes that had landscaping jobs.
01:12:58.000 They had their own like series of lawns they would cut.
01:13:02.000 And then they were hiring people.
01:13:04.000 I remember this kid was driving a brand new car when we were in high school. 0.99
01:13:07.000 Like, what the fuck? 0.99
01:13:08.000 He always had money, this kid. 1.00
01:13:09.000 It was incredible. 1.00
01:13:10.000 He just figured out, I felt like such a lazy asshole. 1.00
01:13:13.000 Because this kid had figured out how to move and hustle. 1.00
01:13:15.000 There was so much of that.
01:13:17.000 I grew up in Newton, in Newton Upper Falls.
01:13:20.000 There was so much of that there.
01:13:22.000 But Newton is kind of right and wrong side of the tracks, isn't it?
01:13:25.000 Well, my side of the tracks was we just lived in a really cheap house in a pretty decent neighborhood. 0.98
01:13:31.000 I mean, it was a cute little neighborhood, but the house was a piece of shit, and my parents bought the house so that we could be in the neighborhood so they could get us into a good school system. 0.97
01:13:40.000 Because we were in Jamaica Plain before that, which was really shady. 0.99
01:13:45.000 The area where I was at.
01:13:47.000 JP! Kid, meet me at fucking Sullys down JP! JP was shady. 0.99
01:13:51.000 I saw some crazy shit living there in just a couple of years. 1.00
01:13:55.000 That was a tricky place. 0.99
01:13:56.000 But, you know, nothing compared to, like, real bad.
01:13:59.000 And it's not Compton or anything like that.
01:14:01.000 No, but there was that whole, like, Italian-Irish, like, you had JP, you had, not Dorchester, but West Roxbury.
01:14:12.000 Not Roxbury, but West Roxbury.
01:14:13.000 Yeah.
01:14:13.000 Right next to JP. And it was like, you weren't in Dorchester, but you could get your drugs there.
01:14:18.000 And, you know, there was, like, people that had got just enough money to get out of the really shit neighborhoods made it out to, like, JP. Yeah. 0.93
01:14:25.000 We would go into Dorchester late at night and buy food at places.
01:14:29.000 And I remember we were at this place.
01:14:31.000 They were serving steak and cheese sandwiches.
01:14:33.000 And it was open really late at night. 1.00
01:14:36.000 And this neighborhood was fucked up. 0.99
01:14:40.000 It was like you were scared to expose your money before you paid for it because you thought someone would just snatch it from you. 1.00
01:14:47.000 Yeah.
01:14:47.000 Like, there was just some wild, crazy people there.
01:14:51.000 And they had this thick plexiglass between the server and you.
01:14:55.000 And they only served you through, like, this slot.
01:14:58.000 And they gave the guy the sandwich.
01:15:00.000 And then the guy says, that'll be, you know, X amount of money. 1.00
01:15:02.000 and the guys just start screaming, I already paid you, you motherfucker. 1.00
01:15:05.000 You're trying to cheat me, you motherfucker. 1.00
01:15:07.000 And they're like, let it go, let it go, let it go. 1.00
01:15:09.000 Let him go, let him go.
01:15:10.000 Just let him go, just let him go.
01:15:11.000 And they just let this guy creep out in there just hoping that he didn't just blast them, hoping that you didn't catch a man on his last day.
01:15:20.000 Because you can, especially if you live in a big city, I guess you can get anywhere.
01:15:25.000 If you just...
01:15:27.000 Run into someone on their last straw.
01:15:30.000 Like that guy.
01:15:31.000 Just run into that guy.
01:15:33.000 And they were like, have the sandwich.
01:15:34.000 Thanks.
01:15:34.000 Take it easy.
01:15:35.000 That's where you gotta have instincts.
01:15:37.000 You know, you can take anybody in a city.
01:15:39.000 You know, you take somebody who's not from a city and you put them in a city. 0.89
01:15:41.000 They don't have that instinct of let them go, walk away, or challenge.
01:15:45.000 There's times where it's just as safe to challenge somebody.
01:15:48.000 Yeah, sometimes.
01:15:48.000 But sometimes people talk too much and they get themselves in trouble and they don't know what a real fistfight is like.
01:15:54.000 They don't know what a real...
01:15:55.000 There's no rules out there, okay? 0.97
01:15:56.000 That guy could stab you.
01:15:58.000 You don't even know this guy. 0.99
01:15:59.000 He might be from some other country where they'll stab people on the regular. 1.00
01:16:03.000 I mean, he might fucking shoot you. 1.00
01:16:05.000 You don't know what you're doing. 1.00
01:16:06.000 Why are you fighting people?
01:16:07.000 If you could avoid it at all costs, avoid it.
01:16:10.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:16:10.000 It's a stupid thing to get involved with. 1.00
01:16:11.000 But I think challenging can be a subtle thing, too. 1.00
01:16:14.000 When I'm walking through New York City all those years, if I'd be in the fucking Lower East Side late at night, three black guys coming from the other direction, not to be racist, but the fucking reality is... 1.00
01:16:23.000 I can't believe you went there, Gregory. 1.00
01:16:25.000 ...three black guys walking past me in a bad neighborhood, you fucking cross the street, that's dangerous. 1.00
01:16:29.000 You've got to walk right at them. 1.00
01:16:31.000 You can't make eye contact, but you don't look away.
01:16:33.000 There's a subtle way that people know how to live in cities.
01:16:36.000 And if you fuck that up, you become a victim exponentially more.
01:16:42.000 Yes, absolutely.
01:16:44.000 That's what I mean by challenge.
01:16:45.000 Yeah, I know what you mean by that.
01:16:47.000 I agree with that, definitely.
01:16:49.000 What I meant is people start unnecessary altercations.
01:16:53.000 I run.
01:16:54.000 I just take off and run.
01:16:54.000 Just turn around?
01:16:55.000 I see a black guy on a sidewalk. 1.00
01:16:56.000 You probably could outrun a black guy. 1.00
01:17:00.000 God, was that racist, what I just said? 0.98
01:17:02.000 No. 0.99
01:17:02.000 No, because you're just admitting that white people are scared of black people. 0.99
01:17:07.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:17:08.000 I'm more scared of black people than white people. 1.00
01:17:10.000 I can tell you, I mean, if you want to be fucking totally, rip myself open and be honest. 1.00
01:17:14.000 Really? 0.97
01:17:15.000 Yeah, I am.
01:17:15.000 I'm not.
01:17:17.000 I think physically more black people can kick my ass, but I think there's more white serial killers. 1.00
01:17:23.000 Interesting. 1.00
01:17:26.000 Serial.
01:17:26.000 You're going serial.
01:17:27.000 I'm with Greg. 0.99
01:17:29.000 I think white people are just as creepy. 1.00
01:17:32.000 You're crazy. 1.00
01:17:33.000 I think my fear comes from what I look like. 1.00
01:17:36.000 I think that as a white guy who's not big with a receding hairline, I think I look like somebody that you could fuck with more. 1.00
01:17:44.000 And I think especially for black people, I look... 0.99
01:17:47.000 And it's not true, but in my head, in my fucked up view of things... 0.98
01:17:53.000 I think that they're seeing me that way. 0.97
01:17:55.000 I'm putting that on them.
01:17:56.000 Well, that could get you in trouble, man. 0.99
01:17:58.000 I got robbed by a black guy, so I immediately think that. 1.00
01:18:01.000 You never got robbed by a white guy? 0.98
01:18:03.000 No.
01:18:04.000 Never got a gun in front of a white guy.
01:18:06.000 I mean, I've only been robbed once, so... 0.77
01:18:10.000 Hopefully in the future it's a white person and then an Asian person and then a Mexican. 0.94
01:18:13.000 So you have a multi-racial profile of people who've offended you.
01:18:17.000 Don't even put that out there, man.
01:18:18.000 It'll come back to you like the secret.
01:18:20.000 He's going to start hanging around in Chinatown late at night until he gets robbed there.
01:18:24.000 Drunk.
01:18:25.000 Pants down.
01:18:26.000 Where am I going?
01:18:27.000 I don't know.
01:18:27.000 I keep forgetting.
01:18:31.000 Can you give me directions?
01:18:32.000 I'm totally lost.
01:18:34.000 Here, I'll give you money.
01:18:36.000 How many dudes are out there doing that right now?
01:18:40.000 How many dudes are out there just fake drunk?
01:18:43.000 In Chinatown?
01:18:44.000 Yeah.
01:18:45.000 I am so drunk.
01:18:46.000 I might just do anything right now. 1.00
01:18:50.000 Pretending to pass out after they let the guy fuck him. 0.99
01:18:53.000 A cop comes over and sees it. 0.99
01:18:54.000 You want to report this?
01:18:55.000 No, no, I'm good.
01:18:58.000 Let it go. 0.98
01:18:59.000 How many times do you think cops interrupt blowjobs on a given night in Los Angeles? 1.00
01:19:04.000 It's amazing because they don't even hide. 0.98
01:19:06.000 I mean, you see prostitutes just bobbing up and down. 1.00
01:19:08.000 Oh, I wasn't saying prostitutes. 0.98
01:19:10.000 I was saying someone just getting crazy in the car.
01:19:13.000 Have you ever seen people do that?
01:19:15.000 I saw a girl giving head while driving down Pacific in Venice. 0.88
01:19:19.000 I'm driving home from dinner with my wife, and we're at a red light, and I point to my wife, and the dude is driving an SUV, and all you see is this head, and they're higher than us.
01:19:28.000 I can only see the top of the head bobbing up and down. 0.98
01:19:30.000 And I look at the guy, and he looks at me, and I'm expecting a fucking thumbs up. 0.99
01:19:34.000 Nothing. 0.98
01:19:34.000 Just looks at me, looks straight ahead, head's bobbing, and to this day... 0.98
01:19:38.000 He's probably trying to keep his boner.
01:19:39.000 This was five or six years ago.
01:19:41.000 To this day, every time we're driving down Pacific at that spot, I go...
01:19:44.000 Remember the time?
01:19:45.000 She's like, yes! 0.99
01:19:45.000 I fucking remember! 0.99
01:19:49.000 He was probably scared that you were going to try to honk and ruin his blowjob. 1.00
01:19:52.000 He was panicking. 0.99
01:19:54.000 He felt the conflict.
01:19:55.000 The eye-to-eye conflict.
01:19:56.000 He was losing his edge. 0.95
01:19:58.000 That's what the porn stars say when they start to lose their boner. 1.00
01:20:00.000 They lose their edge. 0.95
01:20:02.000 I wonder what that guy did at dinner.
01:20:04.000 Because if I'm on fire at dinner, I put the napkin on my head, I'm getting laughs, whatever.
01:20:09.000 Then I'm driving home.
01:20:09.000 She might hold my hand and I get some sense that there's going to be action.
01:20:12.000 But how good was he at dinner that she fucking started bobbing up and down on him? 0.97
01:20:18.000 I don't even think it was dinner, the one that I saw. 0.99
01:20:20.000 I saw it was in the middle of the day.
01:20:21.000 It was, oddly enough, with Kevin James.
01:20:24.000 Really?
01:20:24.000 Yeah.
01:20:25.000 And there was a dude, and he was right beside us.
01:20:29.000 And Kevin spotted it first. 0.99
01:20:32.000 And I was like, holy shit. 0.99
01:20:35.000 And Kevin was going to hit the horde, and I talked about hitting the horde. 0.99
01:20:38.000 He was just joking.
01:20:40.000 But the guy saw us and gave us a thumbs up.
01:20:43.000 Nice.
01:20:43.000 That's appropriate.
01:20:44.000 Yeah.
01:20:44.000 The guy saw us and went like this.
01:20:46.000 Yeah.
01:20:46.000 And he pointed to it.
01:20:47.000 Yeah.
01:20:48.000 And it was pretty funny.
01:20:49.000 Dude, that was my closing bit.
01:20:50.000 Remember? 1.00
01:20:50.000 For fucking years. 1.00
01:20:51.000 It was like, ladies, you've never seen this before, but here's what we do when you give us a blowjob. 1.00
01:20:56.000 And then I just start pumping my fists in the air. 0.98
01:20:58.000 Right.
01:20:58.000 And doing that.
01:20:59.000 I closed.
01:21:00.000 I was so embarrassed how long I closed.
01:21:02.000 That was like first year.
01:21:02.000 First year.
01:21:03.000 Greg Fitzsimmons.
01:21:04.000 That killed, man. 1.00
01:21:05.000 It fucking killed. 1.00
01:21:07.000 Wow. 1.00
01:21:08.000 Do you ever go back and think about some of the shit that you said when you were on stage? 1.00
01:21:11.000 You go, what the fuck? 1.00
01:21:13.000 You know, Jim Florentine just put out a CD called My First Notebook. 1.00
01:21:17.000 And it's shit that he was so embarrassed he used to do. 0.98
01:21:19.000 He found an old notebook. 1.00
01:21:20.000 He went out and he did all of it in a club.
01:21:22.000 He's putting it out on a CD. Oh, that's hilarious.
01:21:23.000 And he's promoting it going like, I don't know why anybody would buy this. 0.99
01:21:26.000 This is fucking horrible. 0.99
01:21:28.000 That's brilliant! 1.00
01:21:30.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
01:21:33.000 Well, that's not brilliant for everybody. 0.99
01:21:34.000 A lot of people go, oh, this fucking material blows. 0.99
01:21:37.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:21:37.000 But for a guy like me, it's brilliant. 0.99
01:21:39.000 Well, I think it would be interesting to people in the same way that you hear Bruce Springsteen, there's these tapes.
01:21:47.000 They just call them the tapes, the album.
01:21:48.000 And it was when he auditioned the first time. 0.99
01:21:50.000 He drove in from New Jersey in a fucking broken-down pinto, brought his acoustic guitar in, and started playing... 1.00
01:21:57.000 Mary Queen of Arkansas and all these amazing fucking songs. 1.00
01:22:00.000 Right. 0.99
01:22:00.000 Acoustic with different chord structures, different pitches. 0.99
01:22:04.000 And it's like, it's fucking, it's not as good, but you're riveted because you're like, wow, this is the fucking sketch that led to this masterpiece. 0.99
01:22:13.000 Wow. 0.99
01:22:13.000 So, I mean, not that that would be the equivalent with stand-up, but I think it would be interesting for people to hear maybe what was the roots of a set they already know rather than just a bunch of shit you never did again. 0.99
01:22:24.000 Yeah, for sure.
01:22:25.000 Yeah, if they could hear it like after the fact, like this is what didn't make the cut.
01:22:29.000 Yeah.
01:22:30.000 This is how the bit evolved.
01:22:31.000 The problem is when those intermediate steps get online.
01:22:37.000 Yeah.
01:22:38.000 You know, when they already get on a YouTube clip or something like that, or you see it and you go, ah, but that's like the beginning of it.
01:22:45.000 It's just growing.
01:22:46.000 They're always growing up to a certain point, but there's that really fragile time for a bit when you're first doing it, or the first few times you're doing it on stage. 0.99
01:22:56.000 If one of those got online, you'd be like, ah, that That's a stupid version of that. 0.90
01:23:01.000 Well, because a lot of times you're talking around the joke. 0.98
01:23:02.000 You haven't figured out the bare-bones construction of it, and you're describing the joke that it later will become.
01:23:09.000 Yeah, that's a very good way of putting it.
01:23:11.000 But I think what a lot of people don't know that are watching stand-up comedy is that while you're doing it, you know, you're...
01:23:21.000 You're barely even thinking about what you're doing.
01:23:23.000 You're almost like riding it.
01:23:25.000 You're almost like when you really lock it in.
01:23:28.000 You know that feeling you get when you're really killing?
01:23:30.000 Yeah, you're in the flow.
01:23:32.000 You don't even feel like you're a part of it.
01:23:33.000 Like, you're witnessing it all happen.
01:23:35.000 That's exactly what I was talking about with the happy thing.
01:23:37.000 That's the flow.
01:23:38.000 Yeah. 0.97
01:23:39.000 Well, that's what, you know, the whole idea of being in the moment completely zen and locked into how the universe is expressing itself through whatever the fuck is going on.
01:23:50.000 Through either stand-up comedy or through music or through car racing. 0.99
01:23:54.000 Whatever the fuck it is, man. 0.98
01:23:55.000 It's just that moment when it all works out, you know? 1.00
01:24:01.000 And you come off stage, there's nights you come off stage exhausted, those nights you come off with twice the energy as when you went on. 0.95
01:24:08.000 It's like you just soaked in all this energy and you just fucking ride it.
01:24:12.000 It can last a full day where you're just buzzing still.
01:24:16.000 Yeah, it's a weird gig, you know, and the weird thing about you and I is that we've known each other since we first started.
01:24:23.000 You know, there's not that many guys from our little group.
01:24:26.000 There's you, me, McGuire.
01:24:27.000 Tom Cotter.
01:24:28.000 Tom Cotter.
01:24:29.000 Top three finalists.
01:24:30.000 America's Got Talent.
01:24:31.000 Powerful Tom Cotter.
01:24:32.000 Good luck to you, buddy.
01:24:34.000 I mean, there's not that many guys from that small group of open micers that we were in.
01:24:42.000 You think of open micers just like classes.
01:24:45.000 Like, this is the class of 1988. There's a class of 1989. And we were the 88 guys.
01:24:51.000 Yeah.
01:24:52.000 And every couple years, it was a very different brand of comedy that would come out.
01:24:57.000 Not very different, but enough that you could detect it.
01:24:59.000 Yeah, there was changes in trends.
01:25:01.000 What was that kid's name who was a...
01:25:04.000 Jonathan Maguire.
01:25:05.000 No, no, no.
01:25:06.000 The guy who was a regular at Nick's Comedy Stop.
01:25:11.000 He was sort of like Nick DiPaolo, but...
01:25:14.000 Oh.
01:25:17.000 He became like their regular guy.
01:25:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
01:25:20.000 Fuck, he's funny as shit. 1.00
01:25:22.000 Funny as shit. 1.00
01:25:24.000 He never left Boston. 0.99
01:25:26.000 No, I forget his name.
01:25:28.000 Kills me. 1.00
01:25:31.000 He's still a killer, too. 0.96
01:25:33.000 He is a killer, and that's the thing about Boston, is the guys that have figured out the sort of formula that works in Boston but are also an original voice, it's just amazing how you can destroy, when it's a match of a comic versus a certain locale, like you take somebody when it's a match of a comic versus a certain locale, like you take somebody like David Cross and put him in San Francisco, boom, locked in, they're going to go 0.75
01:25:57.000 You go to, you know, Houston with somebody like, you know, like what Bill Hicks was. 0.89
01:26:03.000 You take a Southern act, you put him down.
01:26:05.000 Blue-collar guy, you put him in North Carolina.
01:26:07.000 But you take guys like Nick DiPaolo, or this guy, and you put him in Boston, and it's just, it's explosive what happens.
01:26:13.000 It's a match. 0.87
01:26:14.000 I don't remember his name, and it's driving me fucking crazy. 0.87
01:26:16.000 I'm gonna get it.
01:26:17.000 He's a really funny guy, but he just stayed...
01:26:20.000 And I'm sure he does well in Boston.
01:26:22.000 Paul Nardizzi.
01:26:23.000 That's it.
01:26:24.000 That's it.
01:26:24.000 Beautiful.
01:26:25.000 That's it.
01:26:25.000 And I remember that kid was like the class, I think, of 89. I think he came a little bit after us, right?
01:26:31.000 He was 91. Was he really that much later?
01:26:33.000 Maybe 90. Because I was gone by, I think, 92, 91 or 92 I was gone.
01:26:39.000 Might have been 90. I might have left at the end of 90. Yeah, it was 91. 91?
01:26:42.000 Yeah, definitely. 0.96
01:26:44.000 But he was really, really fucking funny. 0.96
01:26:46.000 I'm sure he still is. 0.75
01:26:47.000 That guy was...
01:26:48.000 He was really good, man.
01:26:50.000 Just so edgy. 1.00
01:26:51.000 The shit just rips out of the mouth. 1.00
01:26:53.000 Boom, boom, boom, boom. 1.00
01:26:53.000 And he was like a hammer attack dude who would just hammer you over and over again with another one. 1.00
01:26:58.000 Here's another punchline, another punchline.
01:26:59.000 That rapid-fire Boston...
01:27:04.000 The crowds in Boston were so hostile that you had to develop this really energetic, rapid-fire style.
01:27:14.000 You had to be leaning forward mentally.
01:27:16.000 You had to constantly be up.
01:27:18.000 There was no sitting on the stool. 1.00
01:27:20.000 Get the fuck off the stool! 1.00
01:27:23.000 Jesus, you're an entertainer! 1.00
01:27:25.000 Yeah.
01:27:26.000 There weren't long pauses. 0.99
01:27:27.000 I mean, you know, you start working the road and you learn the value of a nice, go get a sip of water, fucking let them sit. 1.00
01:27:35.000 They'll kill you. 0.99
01:27:35.000 But not in Boston. 0.99
01:27:36.000 No way.
01:27:37.000 Stay on the horse. 0.99
01:27:38.000 Attack you. 0.82
01:27:39.000 But it's also the, you know, I find it a very Irish thing is that You don't deserve to feel good or have any pride. 1.00
01:27:49.000 And so Boston is about stripping it away from you. 0.96
01:27:52.000 So every joke is about, you know, I go to the fucking toll booth and the guy, I hand him a 20. He goes, you got change? 0.98
01:27:59.000 No! 1.00
01:28:01.000 That's your fucking job. 1.00
01:28:02.000 Your job is to make fucking change. 1.00
01:28:04.000 I give you a 20. It's just like any fucking entitlement is just fucking knocking in a cold way. 1.00
01:28:12.000 Just knock the shit out of you. 1.00
01:28:14.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:28:15.000 Like immediately.
01:28:16.000 And there was no dissent.
01:28:18.000 Yeah!
01:28:21.000 100% right.
01:28:22.000 There was no entertaining another side to an issue.
01:28:24.000 Cambridge was an odd sort of a club.
01:28:27.000 Do you remember Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge? 0.99
01:28:29.000 Greatest fucking club ever, maybe. 0.99
01:28:30.000 Top three. 1.00
01:28:31.000 That was a great club that was run by a psycho! 0.98
01:28:35.000 Robin... 0.96
01:28:36.000 Robin Horton.
01:28:37.000 Yeah, he was quite a character.
01:28:39.000 But he loved comedy.
01:28:40.000 He loved a certain type of comedy.
01:28:42.000 He hated me, but he loved comedy.
01:28:44.000 He called me...
01:28:44.000 You go in and you audition for the guy, you do 10 minutes, and then at the end of it, he tells you right away, he goes, no, or yes.
01:28:53.000 And he said, no to me. 0.99
01:28:54.000 And I didn't give a fuck. 0.99
01:28:55.000 I've always had very thick skin. 0.99
01:28:56.000 I go, well...
01:28:57.000 I'd like, why?
01:28:58.000 And he goes, well, I can either tell you no or we can go in the back and sit down and I can tell you exactly why.
01:29:03.000 I said, yeah, let's go in the back.
01:29:05.000 First words out of his mouth. 1.00
01:29:06.000 As far as I'm concerned, you're just another cocky little Irish puke. 1.00
01:29:11.000 That was the beginning. 1.00
01:29:13.000 Wow. 1.00
01:29:15.000 That's fucking racist. 1.00
01:29:16.000 Yeah, he didn't get racist with me, but he said that I am everything that he hates about comedy. 1.00
01:29:23.000 Wow.
01:29:25.000 He goes, what you do is everything I hate about comedy.
01:29:28.000 Wow!
01:29:29.000 And I said, oh, okay.
01:29:30.000 Well, I guess then we don't like the same things.
01:29:33.000 And then we had this weird stare down where he was a big guy. 1.00
01:29:36.000 Thick motherfucker. 1.00
01:29:37.000 He was a big guy. 1.00
01:29:38.000 I didn't want to tangle with him.
01:29:39.000 I didn't want to have to scrap with him.
01:29:42.000 But it was an intimidation moment.
01:29:43.000 It wasn't a comfortable moment.
01:29:45.000 I didn't like it.
01:29:47.000 It wasn't like this is a smart, friendly guy who should be managing a comedy club and influencing comedians.
01:29:55.000 Everything had this heavy leftist bent to it.
01:29:59.000 Everything had this Harvard socialized...
01:30:02.000 Socialist, yeah. 0.98
01:30:04.000 Well, Barry Crimmins would sit at the bar, and if he didn't like what you were doing, he would yell shit out at you like he was the dean of the club. 0.98
01:30:11.000 That's hilarious. 0.97
01:30:12.000 They were best friends.
01:30:13.000 That's hilarious.
01:30:14.000 And I love Barry Crimmins. 0.98
01:30:15.000 He's a fucking brilliant political guy. 0.93
01:30:17.000 But back then he was drinking a lot and those guys were on a mission to create a place that they thought was fertile for this type of comedy. 0.98
01:30:26.000 I was at Catch before I ever did stand up with a friend of mine from high school.
01:30:31.000 Diane DeRosa.
01:30:34.000 Nice girl.
01:30:35.000 We're just buddies.
01:30:36.000 Sitting in the club.
01:30:38.000 And your boy, Kevin Meaney, went on stage.
01:30:40.000 This was before I ever got on stage myself.
01:30:42.000 And this was when Kevin Meaney was on fire. 1.00
01:30:45.000 Kevin Meaney was a fucking crusher, dude. 1.00
01:30:49.000 Crusher. 1.00
01:30:50.000 Crusher.
01:30:51.000 And you didn't understand what he was talking about with his big pants.
01:30:55.000 We're big pants people!
01:30:56.000 And you'd be crying laughing. 0.99
01:30:59.000 It was so ridiculous. 0.84
01:31:00.000 And I remember leaving thinking, God, I knew he was funny because I'd seen him on TV before.
01:31:05.000 He did like five Tonight Shows that year.
01:31:08.000 Yeah, but nothing like seeing him live.
01:31:11.000 It's such a completely different experience seeing a guy like that live.
01:31:15.000 Because he's like, the silliness is not that contagious when it comes to the TV. But when you're in front of that dude, he was fucking crushing. 0.97
01:31:24.000 It's hard to describe. 0.98
01:31:25.000 I saw him in that same club, probably on, I don't know if it was the same weekend.
01:31:29.000 It must have been close.
01:31:29.000 That's that era.
01:31:30.000 But when he came in, the place was fucking jammed. 0.98
01:31:33.000 Yeah. 0.98
01:31:34.000 And he went up there sweating in a bow tie and a jacket.
01:31:36.000 I don't care!
01:31:37.000 And to this day, I say, when people say, who's the best comedian?
01:31:40.000 I say, nobody has ever made me laugh as hard in one set as Kevin Manning.
01:31:44.000 Wow.
01:31:45.000 That's a good statement.
01:31:47.000 I stand by it.
01:31:48.000 I believe you 100%.
01:31:50.000 It's too far of a distant memory for me to say that mine was just as good.
01:31:55.000 But I remember being blown away by how funny it was.
01:31:59.000 It was just so long ago.
01:32:00.000 I mean, I think it was like 18 or something.
01:32:01.000 Part of it was... 0.98
01:32:02.000 He's silly, and he would sing that song, I Don't Care. 0.99
01:32:04.000 And that was his theme. 1.00
01:32:05.000 He was going to be this ridiculous, a rip-fucking-torn kind of a character. 0.99
01:32:11.000 Rip Taylor? 0.99
01:32:12.000 Rip Torn, I think it is.
01:32:13.000 Rip Taylor?
01:32:14.000 No, Rip Taylor was the guy who threw confetti and acted crazy.
01:32:17.000 It was like a little bit of an element of that, mixed with a guy who really understood stand-up comedy. 0.97
01:32:22.000 Yeah, he was fucking hilarious.
01:32:24.000 Yeah, he was at my wedding party. 0.96
01:32:25.000 Really?
01:32:26.000 He was one of my ushers.
01:32:27.000 Wow.
01:32:27.000 Yeah, I grew up in one town over from him, and my dad got him on stage his very first time, because my dad was a big radio guy in New York.
01:32:34.000 Wow.
01:32:34.000 Kevin was a waiter and waited on my dad, and it would be funny.
01:32:38.000 And my dad said, you should do stand-up, and he was friends with the guy at Catch, and he got him on stage his first time.
01:32:43.000 I remember when we were open micers, I always thought that was really fucking cool. 0.85
01:32:48.000 Like, holy shit, Fitzsimmons actually knows Kevin Meaney. 0.98
01:32:53.000 Like, you actually knew Kevin Meaney. 0.98
01:32:54.000 Yeah.
01:32:55.000 And when you'd have problems or when you were going through things, you would ask, like, Kevin Meaney questions.
01:32:59.000 I remember several times having conversations where you were dispensing, like, wisdom that Kevin Meaney told you about stand-up.
01:33:06.000 Oh, yeah.
01:33:06.000 And we were talking about it, like, okay, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
01:33:09.000 Yeah.
01:33:09.000 Yeah.
01:33:09.000 You know, those early years when you're such a blind, blabbering fucking moron up there trying to, like, you know, hand-feel your way through it.
01:33:18.000 Help me! 1.00
01:33:18.000 Help me! 1.00
01:33:19.000 Yeah, I got...
01:33:19.000 Powerful C2O coconut water in the house.
01:33:22.000 Yeah, it was a time when I really needed a mentor, and he wasn't a guy that brought me on the road opening for him all the time.
01:33:28.000 It was just more of, like you said, I could call him anytime, and here was a guy who was this hot, one hour special on HBO, Uncle Buck comes out, all the money in the world, and I come out to LA and stay with him.
01:33:39.000 He bought a Chrysler K car.
01:33:41.000 That's the kind of guy he was. 1.00
01:33:42.000 Fucking business. 1.00
01:33:44.000 Underneath all the silliness, he was a conservative, simple guy. 0.99
01:33:47.000 So his advice on comedy, I especially respected because I could see this guy was going the distance.
01:33:52.000 This wasn't a guy who was hot and was going to flail out. 0.97
01:33:55.000 But to this day, he's still out there fucking banging it out. 0.93
01:34:00.000 That's awesome. 0.99
01:34:01.000 Now he's out of the closet.
01:34:02.000 Now he's gay. 0.99
01:34:03.000 Now he's really banging it out. 0.99
01:34:06.000 Banging it in.
01:34:07.000 Out.
01:34:10.000 I didn't know that he was...
01:34:12.000 I mean, it wasn't one of those things where I was like, duh.
01:34:15.000 You know, I thought he was straight.
01:34:17.000 I thought he was straight, too.
01:34:19.000 He'd been married, too, right? 1.00
01:34:21.000 What do I give a fuck? 0.99
01:34:22.000 What am I, the inquirer? 1.00
01:34:23.000 Married with a kid.
01:34:23.000 No, but not only that.
01:34:25.000 Married, he met a woman out in L.A., fell in love with her, and called me.
01:34:29.000 It was my babysitter who lived next door to me growing up.
01:34:32.000 Whoa. 0.98
01:34:33.000 Fucking weird as that. 0.99
01:34:34.000 Whoa. 0.99
01:34:34.000 How old was she? 0.99
01:34:36.000 She's probably seven, eight years older than me.
01:34:39.000 Wow. 0.98
01:34:40.000 Harvard, MBA, real fucking successful type A personality. 0.99
01:34:45.000 And yeah, my dad had died. 0.97
01:34:47.000 To be a fly on that wall.
01:34:49.000 There were a lot.
01:34:50.000 To be a fly on that wall.
01:34:51.000 That's my Gene Simmons impression.
01:34:54.000 Really?
01:34:54.000 Is that what he says?
01:34:55.000 Got a dodo stuck in my ass. 1.00
01:34:58.000 To be a fly on that wall. 1.00
01:35:01.000 Does he currently have a show?
01:35:03.000 I don't know, man.
01:35:04.000 We were trying to get a campaign to have him apologize to Bert Kreischer.
01:35:08.000 Bert Kreischer was on the X show with him that Gene Simmons was on, and he said Gene Simmons treated him more horribly than any human being he'd ever met in his life.
01:35:17.000 Wow.
01:35:17.000 And Bert said that it was just like demoralizing because he was a huge Kiss fan.
01:35:22.000 Yeah.
01:35:22.000 He was a huge Kiss fan who was just literally...
01:35:24.000 And if you know Bert, look, I've known Bert since...
01:35:27.000 I met him back then, but I've been friends with him for a couple years now.
01:35:32.000 He's just a...
01:35:33.000 Fun, wild dude.
01:35:35.000 And if you misread him, you might go, oh, look at this annoying guy, man.
01:35:40.000 I'm trying to relax before my performance, man.
01:35:43.000 And so he apparently was super rude to Bert, which we can't have.
01:35:48.000 Well, I mean, that's not a surprise.
01:35:51.000 Isn't he kind of known for being nice?
01:35:52.000 Yeah, he is.
01:35:53.000 He's known.
01:35:53.000 But I met him and he was really nice.
01:35:55.000 You know, so it makes me...
01:35:56.000 Yeah, but you know what that is?
01:35:58.000 That's a guy who treats different people different ways.
01:36:01.000 Different status, people get a different treatment. 0.66
01:36:03.000 Which is worse than just being a douche all the time.
01:36:05.000 I wish I could have a personal experience to share, other than the positive one, but...
01:36:10.000 Meeting him was awesome.
01:36:11.000 He came to my comedy show.
01:36:13.000 Him and his wife and his kid.
01:36:14.000 His kid had got my shiny Happy Jihad CD from iTunes.
01:36:19.000 He really liked it. 0.97
01:36:20.000 Is this thing fucking up again, Brian? 0.98
01:36:22.000 It's just kind of wonky. 0.98
01:36:26.000 We'll switch it back.
01:36:28.000 Anyway, he was really cool.
01:36:30.000 His whole family was cool.
01:36:32.000 They came through New Year's at the improv.
01:36:34.000 It was fun.
01:36:35.000 But, you know, when you hear a story like that, where someone's like super rude to a guy like Burt, and you're like, oh man, that's so hard to hear.
01:36:41.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:36:42.000 Because every now and then you hear a story, yeah man, I met Patrick Swayze once, he was a fucking douchebag. 0.99
01:36:47.000 And you're like, was he really? 0.99
01:36:50.000 Are you really annoying?
01:36:52.000 Which one is it?
01:36:53.000 Because it might be that you might be really annoying.
01:36:56.000 And somewhere along the line, you might have decided that he upset your feelings.
01:37:00.000 Have you ever had those weird people who feel slighted?
01:37:05.000 Those artificially slighted people?
01:37:07.000 yeah well they're looking for it because we're storytellers and we all want to go back to our town or back to our friends and go hey I met Joe Rogan and they're going to go really what was he like and the truth is He said hi to you.
01:37:19.000 You shook his hand.
01:37:20.000 Maybe he said three words.
01:37:22.000 And then somebody else did. 0.99
01:37:23.000 Now, they got to fucking pull from that a story for their friends. 0.96
01:37:27.000 So if there's a hint of you being dismissive, they're going to blow it out because then they've got a connection to you. 0.98
01:37:35.000 Or he was the greatest fucking guy in the world, which I never want to fall into that camp either. 0.95
01:37:39.000 I go hang out after shows. 0.98
01:37:41.000 You want to be the second greatest guy in the world.
01:37:43.000 I want to be the guy that I'll take a picture with you.
01:37:45.000 But you know what? 1.00
01:37:46.000 Don't put your arm around me while your girlfriend figures out how to snap a photo on your phone for the first fucking time. 1.00
01:37:50.000 Are you scared of hugging people, Gregory? 1.00
01:37:52.000 Just give that fella a big hug like this. 1.00
01:37:55.000 I don't mind the hug.
01:37:55.000 You know what I don't like is the armpit on my shoulder.
01:37:57.000 Oh, it gets nasty.
01:37:58.000 The tall guy with the armpit on my shoulder.
01:38:00.000 When you feel the sweat, you kind of just deal, man.
01:38:04.000 That's what it is.
01:38:05.000 The guy's, he's funking on you.
01:38:06.000 And I bet your girl can smell it.
01:38:08.000 I bet it's some sort of a primal thing, too.
01:38:10.000 Especially if homeboy doesn't have any deodorant.
01:38:12.000 Like, if you come home and you're around your wife, she probably feels like you got conquered.
01:38:15.000 That's right.
01:38:16.000 What is this?
01:38:17.000 A man on you.
01:38:18.000 There's a man on your shoulder.
01:38:19.000 That's right.
01:38:20.000 Or she doesn't notice. 1.00
01:38:21.000 She just wants to fuck you, but she doesn't know why. 1.00
01:38:23.000 How weird are primal smells? 1.00
01:38:25.000 I mean, isn't that what puts women on the coinciding menstrual cycle? 1.00
01:38:29.000 Isn't it a hormonal thing?
01:38:30.000 Is that right?
01:38:31.000 I believe it is.
01:38:32.000 I want to say it is.
01:38:33.000 I might be wrong, but I mean, how primal are we?
01:38:36.000 Women get around each other. 1.00
01:38:38.000 Their menstrual cycles all coincide.
01:38:40.000 So if they all get banged, they all raise their kids together so the kids have friends.
01:38:44.000 Yeah.
01:38:45.000 That's my theory.
01:38:46.000 Isn't there a thing about how your sperm count raises...
01:38:50.000 Looking at houses? 1.00
01:38:51.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00
01:38:53.000 What are you doing, man? 1.00
01:38:53.000 I'm looking to see what the comments are while I'm listening. 1.00
01:38:57.000 The comments?
01:38:59.000 But your sperm count goes up when you're traveling or something?
01:39:03.000 Of course.
01:39:04.000 You're ready to conquer in a new land. 1.00
01:39:05.000 Your body knows it's not around, it's not all smell, and your dick gets hard when you go to pick up your spear. 0.99
01:39:11.000 You're traveling. 0.99
01:39:12.000 You're going to war. 1.00
01:39:12.000 I'm going to kill and fuck. 1.00
01:39:14.000 I'll be home in three days. 1.00
01:39:15.000 How many people are programmed that way? 1.00
01:39:17.000 How many people from the life in Roman times were programmed to kill and fuck? 1.00
01:39:22.000 Kill and fuck at the same time sometimes. 1.00
01:39:24.000 It must be really hard to work that culture out. 1.00
01:39:27.000 Yeah.
01:39:28.000 Calm that culture down.
01:39:29.000 I mean, we're talking about the amount of violence that we see on a regular basis. 0.98
01:39:33.000 Pretty fucking minimal. 0.97
01:39:34.000 It can be pretty horrific in certain places. 0.98
01:39:36.000 But in America, pretty minimal compared to what it would be like if this was the sword fighting days.
01:39:41.000 Yeah. 0.98
01:39:41.000 You know, like on a regular basis, people had to deal with some shit that we couldn't even fucking begin to wrap our heads around with. 0.98
01:39:48.000 Yeah, it was really about power. 0.99
01:39:50.000 It was what can I take?
01:39:52.000 They would do it with swords. 1.00
01:39:53.000 They would run into a city with swords and chop everything up and take all the people and take their gold and fuck all their women. 1.00
01:39:59.000 I mean, nutty shit happens in the world. 1.00
01:40:02.000 Well, it was like in nature. 1.00
01:40:04.000 You destroy your...
01:40:05.000 If you are competing with somebody for a food source, if you're an insect, you will start to kill the other insect or you will find a way to destroy the food source for them so that they die.
01:40:17.000 But it's that weird thing when people get into tribes, especially, where they become really synchronized as this tribe.
01:40:26.000 This is us, and we're going to go after them.
01:40:30.000 They never even would consider the idea of taking them into their ranks.
01:40:34.000 Like, hey, listen, we're just going to go plunder.
01:40:37.000 Would you guys like to come with us?
01:40:39.000 We could be a big army.
01:40:41.000 We could all get together.
01:40:42.000 Well, they'll take them as slaves, but they never take them on as equals.
01:40:45.000 I mean, there was a lot of slaveholding back then. 0.99
01:40:47.000 You conquered and you fucked the women and you took the dudes and said, you're my slave now. 0.99
01:40:51.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:40:52.000 I mean, how many people had to live their life like that?
01:40:54.000 A lot, right?
01:40:55.000 That was for... 1.00
01:40:56.000 How many years did that kind of shit go on in this world? 1.00
01:40:59.000 Well, the Old Testament, the whole fucking book talks about slavery like it's not even a sin. 1.00
01:41:02.000 It's in... 0.99
01:41:03.000 Actually, the seventh commandment is thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, thy neighbor's house, thy neighbor's donkey, or thy neighbor's manservant.
01:41:13.000 It's a commandment that recognizes slavery.
01:41:16.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
01:41:19.000 Wrap your fucking head around the Bible, baby. 1.00
01:41:23.000 Wrap your head around that. 1.00
01:41:24.000 It's funny how people choose to believe in parts of it.
01:41:27.000 Yeah, I know.
01:41:28.000 And the wording of parts of it. 0.98
01:41:30.000 As if it wasn't translated from ancient Hebrew to Hebrew to Roman to fucking English. 0.99
01:41:35.000 And you're going to tell me about the subtlety of the way he said gay people shouldn't lie together? 0.99
01:41:41.000 2,000 years later?
01:41:43.000 My favorite is when people tattoo biblical quotes on their body.
01:41:47.000 It's like, you're really not supposed to do that.
01:41:49.000 It says it in the Bible.
01:41:50.000 You're not supposed to get a tattoo.
01:41:53.000 Yeah, but I don't think Jesus meant it that much.
01:41:56.000 I also think it might fall under the first commandment, or is the second, about thou shalt not have graven images.
01:42:02.000 You should not have representations of God. 0.98
01:42:05.000 And I think by extension, why do we have fucking crosses with Jesus hanging off the wall of the tree? 0.98
01:42:11.000 Isn't that kind of covered by extension on the second commandment? 1.00
01:42:14.000 Do we want to see his fucking bloody corpse? 1.00
01:42:16.000 No. 1.00
01:42:17.000 It's a very strange practice to look at that all the time, you know, and the idea that you're being reminded of the deity, the one perfect being that existed, oh, thousands of years ago, and since then his followers have reverted to pedophilia and fucking craziness and fear. 0.99
01:42:34.000 Yeah. 0.52
01:42:35.000 I know this comic that has a cross on his arm, and I'm not friends with him, but he always wears those elastic band things on his arm just to cover it up so no one knows.
01:42:46.000 Oh, really?
01:42:47.000 That's funny.
01:42:48.000 Why doesn't he get it removed?
01:42:49.000 I don't know.
01:42:50.000 Yeah, get a cover-up.
01:42:51.000 Maybe he still likes it, he's just hiding it from comics.
01:42:53.000 Oh, well, could be that.
01:42:55.000 Some people get ashamed of being religious.
01:42:58.000 A lot of fighters get religious.
01:42:59.000 It's like he gives them something to really lean back on, you know, something to give them strength. 0.96
01:43:06.000 And, you know, I've always said that I don't have any fucking idea whether there's a god.
01:43:11.000 I'm not a religious person, but I leave anything up to the idea of possibility. 0.68
01:43:17.000 I think anything could be possible.
01:43:20.000 Anything. 0.98
01:43:21.000 Well, it depends on your definition of God, but to think that there's not some power that orchestrated The miracle of, you know, like regenerating DNA, all that shit. 0.97
01:43:33.000 You know, to think that there's not something that can tell you that I know how big the moon is going to be, at what point in the sky in fucking 50 years and be right. 0.99
01:43:42.000 You know, give me a fucking break. 0.90
01:43:43.000 Whatever you want to call that, I think that I always just default to nature is God and fill in the details later when I know more. 0.98
01:43:52.000 Well, it could very well be that there is an intelligence to all of nature that we're just not capable of tuning into.
01:44:01.000 It could very well be that trees and all sorts of different parts of nature have some sort of intelligence.
01:44:06.000 It doesn't translate into words.
01:44:09.000 It doesn't translate into...
01:44:11.000 You know, certain noises that we recognize with certain images and certain meanings.
01:44:15.000 It could be some other form of intelligence.
01:44:18.000 It's super possible that the reason why we exist in this ever-changing world and this world is being more and more hostile to people is that it kind of recognizes us as a threat.
01:44:30.000 If you have to think of this system has got to be prepared for everything.
01:44:37.000 There's a reason why certain animals eat other animals and certain diseases kill certain percentages of the people.
01:44:45.000 There's like this crazy corrective system that goes on on Earth.
01:44:50.000 And we agree with that up until it gets to people. 0.94
01:44:53.000 We don't ever want to think that Earth could ever look at us like we might be some fucking cold that it has. 0.94
01:45:00.000 And that the more we pull the fucking fish out of the ocean and throw our garbage in it, and the more we pollute the sky and change the temperature of it and fuck the whole balance of it up and artificially change the levels of certain things in the environment, we should expect that the Earth is going to respond to this change accordingly. 0.97
01:45:22.000 It's going to try to push back. 0.99
01:45:25.000 I mean, if it is intelligent, if there's some real method to the whole idea of this whole thing evolving from a hot ball of rock and lava and then somehow or another acquiring water and somehow or another cooling down and rolling it.
01:45:42.000 Just extrapolating into more matters and more elements and more life forms.
01:45:45.000 Yeah, it's dynamic.
01:45:45.000 You just keep going and going and going.
01:45:50.000 And it goes back to the turn of the 19th century.
01:45:53.000 There was a lot of...
01:45:56.000 A social scientist in England, Mills, talked about population naturally controls itself.
01:46:03.000 Wars, disease, that there is an actual healthy number of people to be on the earth.
01:46:09.000 And because of science, we've been able to just completely fucking hyper-bloat that number of people to the point where we've staved off a natural correction.
01:46:20.000 We haven't had war, any real war, in a long time.
01:46:24.000 We haven't had... 0.99
01:46:24.000 Any fucking plague in a long time. 0.99
01:46:27.000 You know, the plague during World War I, 1970, killed one out of three people in Europe. 0.99
01:46:33.000 Well, the war and the plague together. 1.00
01:46:35.000 And, you know, if we had that now, they'd lose their shit. 0.99
01:46:39.000 People can't even imagine a devastation. 0.99
01:46:42.000 They don't think it's possible.
01:46:43.000 Whereas, numerically, it's beyond possible.
01:46:46.000 It's way overdue.
01:46:49.000 Well, there was a supervolcano warning today.
01:46:52.000 Somewhere...
01:46:53.000 God, I want to say...
01:46:53.000 Oh, I have that app.
01:46:54.000 I want to say...
01:46:55.000 That's hilarious.
01:46:57.000 I want to say somewhere in the South Pacific.
01:46:59.000 I don't really remember, but there was a warning not to travel to this particular area because there's been some volcanic activity. 0.98
01:47:07.000 Maybe someone will let me know what the fuck it is on Twitter. 0.97
01:47:10.000 Wow. 0.99
01:47:10.000 But we had a couple earthquakes in California last week. 0.99
01:47:13.000 We had hundreds, right?
01:47:15.000 Wasn't it hundreds? 1.00
01:47:16.000 No shit. 0.99
01:47:16.000 Yeah, well, there's an area in Yellowstone where they have thousands of earthquakes a year. 0.99
01:47:22.000 Thousands.
01:47:22.000 You sure that's not just Yogi Bear chasing after?
01:47:24.000 Hey, boo-boo! 1.00
01:47:26.000 Hey, boo-boo! 1.00
01:47:28.000 Oh, boo-boo, what is that?
01:47:30.000 Another guy got killed by a bear in Alaska.
01:47:34.000 And that's where you're going.
01:47:35.000 Yes, my friend.
01:47:37.000 Into the heart of darkness.
01:47:39.000 The guy who got killed by the bear was out there photographing it, standing near it, way closer than what they tell you to.
01:47:44.000 He was within 50 yards, like you should never get within 50 yards.
01:47:48.000 50 yards?
01:47:49.000 Yeah, that's healthy.
01:47:50.000 That seems far.
01:47:50.000 Yep.
01:47:51.000 Yeah, you should be far as fuck. 1.00
01:47:53.000 Yeah, you shouldn't be close. 1.00
01:47:55.000 Because most likely you'll be fine.
01:47:58.000 But if you get too close to a bear and he decides for whatever reason that he hasn't eaten in a while and he might see if you're edible, if he's desperate, you can catch a desperate bear.
01:48:08.000 Especially late in the year, like when it gets close to like December.
01:48:12.000 You know, some of those bears are still walking around.
01:48:14.000 Those are the dangerous ones because they're not stuffed yet.
01:48:17.000 They're not ready to hibernate.
01:48:19.000 That's how that grizzly man guy got got.
01:48:21.000 Yeah.
01:48:22.000 He went wandering around out there after it was like post-season when most of the healthy bears were already in harbination.
01:48:28.000 It's like being in Faneuil Hall at 2 in the morning when the bars get out.
01:48:32.000 Exactly.
01:48:33.000 If you're not home, you're dangerous.
01:48:34.000 Last chance.
01:48:35.000 Last chance for romance.
01:48:36.000 You didn't get laid and now you're going to look for a fight. 1.00
01:48:39.000 That's what would happen at 2.15.
01:48:41.000 That one little, what is it, a fast food place?
01:48:43.000 Is it a McDonald's that's on the corner of that?
01:48:45.000 It was by that hotel that we used to stay at.
01:48:46.000 We'd go to Faneuil Hall.
01:48:48.000 Yeah.
01:48:48.000 Remember that place that we worked at, the Comedy Connection?
01:48:51.000 It was a chain.
01:48:52.000 I remember the thing was McDonald's.
01:48:54.000 No, Wendy's.
01:48:55.000 It was a Wendy's.
01:48:56.000 It was McDonald's.
01:48:57.000 Ari and Brian walked there and almost got in a fight. 1.00
01:49:02.000 Yeah, like twice and just waiting in line.
01:49:04.000 Everywhere I go, I was like, you know, I didn't like Boston the first like three, two times we went there because we kept on going to that comedy club in that area.
01:49:12.000 It's the, well they call it the combat zone.
01:49:14.000 It's like one Yeah, it was awful.
01:49:16.000 And then the last time we went somewhere else, we stayed in this really nice hotel and they were filming a movie and there was all these actors in it.
01:49:21.000 But it was like a totally different experience.
01:49:23.000 It was like being in New York almost.
01:49:24.000 Yeah, we were at the Connection in Fanny Hall.
01:49:27.000 It wasn't in the comments.
01:49:28.000 It wasn't next.
01:49:30.000 But the Connection was...
01:49:31.000 The Wilbur is actually...
01:49:34.000 It's a way cooler set.
01:49:36.000 It's a beautiful environment and everything like that.
01:49:38.000 But that area is not the dangerous area it was when we were doing stand-up.
01:49:44.000 People don't understand.
01:49:45.000 They have four seasons there now.
01:49:47.000 It's a gorgeous area.
01:49:49.000 When we were coming up and standing up, it was the combat zone. 0.99
01:49:53.000 You would walk over there, there would be hookers, it was scary, you'd see people smoking crack, you would see peep show booths, and they slowly squeezed all that shit out. 0.99
01:50:02.000 That was like our one seedy area. 0.99
01:50:04.000 I remember I could always park on the street because nobody would park on the street. 0.99
01:50:08.000 That's why I had a piece of shit because my window got smashed so many fucking times, you were just used to it. 1.00
01:50:14.000 Yeah, that area around Nick's, man, your fucking car got broken into all the time. 1.00
01:50:19.000 Unless you got a spot on that street. 0.99
01:50:22.000 Warrington Street.
01:50:22.000 On Warrington Street.
01:50:23.000 When you would go around that little side area where the connection was, the old connection, and go down to the end where Nick's was, every now and then you'd catch a spot. 0.87
01:50:30.000 You'd get super fucking lucky. 0.85
01:50:32.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:50:32.000 That whole area's a gay bar now. 0.99
01:50:35.000 Is it? 0.99
01:50:35.000 A techno gay. 0.99
01:50:37.000 Poppers. 0.99
01:50:37.000 Poppers! 0.99
01:50:39.000 Poppers! 0.99
01:50:41.000 How much was the cover?
01:50:42.000 It became like a really hot game.
01:50:44.000 Let me get in the back door.
01:50:49.000 You went with the back door line, Fitzsimmons!
01:50:52.000 Jesus!
01:50:54.000 But yeah, that area, at one point in time, there was two comedy clubs in the same theater, the same area, where the connection was.
01:51:04.000 There was the connection, and then above it, Mike Clark had a place.
01:51:07.000 Remember that?
01:51:09.000 I don't remember Mike Clark's place.
01:51:10.000 Yeah, he had some sort of a comedy club.
01:51:12.000 It wasn't for a long time.
01:51:14.000 It was in the same theater that they used to do.
01:51:16.000 They had some long-ass running show. 1.00
01:51:18.000 One of those fucking... 1.00
01:51:19.000 Oh, you're talking about above the original comedy. 0.99
01:51:22.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:51:23.000 Upstairs, they had some kind of a nuns. 1.00
01:51:24.000 One of those nuns fucking shows. 1.00
01:51:26.000 Yeah, nuns on the run or some fucking shit. 1.00
01:51:28.000 Nonsense or some bullshit. 1.00
01:51:28.000 Nonsense. 1.00
01:51:28.000 I think that's it. 1.00
01:51:29.000 Nonsense.
01:51:30.000 Nonsanity.
01:51:31.000 And then down the street, you had Nick's, which had three different rooms.
01:51:36.000 This is 50 yards away.
01:51:37.000 Yeah, 50 yards away.
01:51:39.000 They had an upstairs, and then they had two downstairs.
01:51:42.000 One smaller room, and then one that was like a disco.
01:51:45.000 You remember the disco room that didn't really make it?
01:51:48.000 They got rid of the disco after a while.
01:51:50.000 It was like too crazy. 0.99
01:51:51.000 But guys would do that, and then across the street, there was the fucking Duck Soup. 0.99
01:51:56.000 At what's now the Wilbur Theater. 0.99
01:51:58.000 Yeah.
01:51:58.000 Duck Soup was the idea of Billy Downs and Paul Barkley had this idea to put a super upscale comedy club and put it in Boston right there and charge more money and have only clean comedians.
01:52:13.000 And it didn't work.
01:52:14.000 It didn't work, but then you're forgetting Dick Daugherty had a room.
01:52:16.000 If you walked then across the street and through a mini mall, there was the comedy vault, which had been a bank.
01:52:22.000 Yes. 0.98
01:52:23.000 And the fucking room was, the vault was still there. 0.99
01:52:26.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:52:27.000 And you would stand in this little fucking room that was a bank, and it was a sweet little room. 0.99
01:52:30.000 It's a great room. 0.98
01:52:31.000 But I mean, so you're talking about within, literally within a quarter of a mile, you had three, four, five, six comedy rooms, and they were all good.
01:52:42.000 Yeah.
01:52:42.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous.
01:52:44.000 We're becoming those annoying old dudes who keep repeating stories about the glory days. 0.71
01:52:48.000 But what people don't understand is just how...
01:52:51.000 By the way, that's a meme.
01:52:53.000 What people don't understand, because I always say that when I don't know exactly what I'm going to say next, is that the scene was just...
01:53:00.000 To us now, today, looking back on it, you see what's around today.
01:53:04.000 It was such a spectacular scene.
01:53:07.000 It was just the most amazing scene for developing as a comedian.
01:53:11.000 Did you read the book Outliers?
01:53:13.000 No.
01:53:14.000 It's this book about how people like Bill Gates came about at a certain time.
01:53:20.000 They had a certain gift that wasn't necessarily a good thing.
01:53:24.000 I think Gates is mildly Asperger-y.
01:53:27.000 He was born in the Santa Cruz area, just as the tech thing was exploding.
01:53:32.000 I think it was Santa Cruz, whatever, the UC college had the first mainframe computer.
01:53:37.000 As a teenager, he was going in there and writing programs.
01:53:40.000 So he was at the beginning of a wave with the exact personality type, and he carried it through and became something that you can't do again.
01:53:49.000 Howard Stern was an outlier with radio.
01:53:51.000 He became the guy who did all the things you weren't supposed to do in radio.
01:53:55.000 Badmouth other people. 0.97
01:53:56.000 Be dirty. 0.99
01:53:57.000 Self-aggrandize. 0.99
01:53:59.000 And all of a sudden, this wave of syndication of radio stations came about and he fucking caught that wave and took, and with talent. 0.97
01:54:07.000 This is talent, God-given fucking, you know, a weird recipe for what matches the demands of that time and being in front of the explosion that happens. 0.94
01:54:18.000 And I believe that we were very much in the outlier spot of stand-up comedy by being in Boston at that time. 0.98
01:54:24.000 It was a very unusual environment, for sure.
01:54:26.000 It's sad that it doesn't exist anymore.
01:54:28.000 It's when Franz Salomita put out that documentary, when stand-up stood out.
01:54:32.000 And it's really interesting, but I think he kind of nailed it, is that the scene was fantastic until people started making it.
01:54:38.000 When everybody just wanted to be funny.
01:54:40.000 You were one of the first ones.
01:54:42.000 No.
01:54:42.000 No, yeah.
01:54:43.000 I remember Joe Rogan, because everybody's back there going, but you hear Joe moves in New York.
01:54:47.000 Dude, he gets to do the prom shows at Dangerfields. 0.99
01:54:50.000 That was literally like, people were like, holy shit! 0.99
01:54:53.000 Well, I'm just saying in steps. 0.99
01:54:55.000 And then Joe Rogan just signed with Jeff Sussman.
01:54:58.000 Then all of a sudden, Joe Rogan just got a $100,000 deal with Disney. 0.99
01:55:02.000 And we knew every detail of your fucking career because nobody had done that before. 0.99
01:55:06.000 Nobody from our class... 0.98
01:55:08.000 Had gone anywhere, really, except like, you know, I remember Bud Friedman came to Boston and did a showcase to do Evening at the Improv, and it was like, for months, we were fucking obsessed with our set, and a couple people got it out of it, and that was our closest brush to show business, until you all of a sudden got on this fucking track, and it was like, wow, you can do that from this?
01:55:32.000 So you ruined everything that was real.
01:55:36.000 Well, everybody thought for some reason that the only way you would ever get on TV is if you were clean.
01:55:40.000 And I thought the only way I would ever want to do comedy is if I was funny.
01:55:44.000 So I knew I wasn't good.
01:55:45.000 And because I wasn't good, my dirty comedy wasn't – it was unbearable.
01:55:50.000 Because it's like not as it just – not as it offensive.
01:55:53.000 Not only is it offensive, but it's also bad.
01:55:55.000 It's bad and offensive, which is like way worse.
01:55:57.000 That's how you look at it.
01:55:58.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:55:58.000 Well, in the beginning, I think.
01:56:00.000 I think, you know, it took a while for me to figure out how to do it right, how to do shit that I actually thought was funny. 0.92
01:56:06.000 Yeah. 0.87
01:56:07.000 But I knew I could never do it clean.
01:56:09.000 I just wasn't going to try.
01:56:10.000 Yeah.
01:56:10.000 I just was like, nope.
01:56:12.000 I'll scratch together some little five-minute sets here and there, but that seems crazy.
01:56:17.000 Like, why would I do that?
01:56:18.000 Why would I limit what I'm thinking about?
01:56:20.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:56:20.000 It just seems like that's like step one to fucking yourself. 1.00
01:56:23.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00
01:56:24.000 I just got lucky that it worked.
01:56:26.000 It didn't have to work. 0.99
01:56:27.000 It could have skid off into the fucking woods and I could have become some kind of a road drunk. 0.99
01:56:31.000 That's the thing about that time though. 0.99
01:56:33.000 There was no road map for it and that's what an outlier is.
01:56:35.000 It's like you're a pioneer in the sense that you're breaking the rules and yet you're rising up faster than anybody else because things change and there becomes the needs and the demands of the marketplace for whatever it is you do.
01:56:49.000 They change very quickly.
01:56:51.000 They're dynamic.
01:56:52.000 It's why we have variation in species.
01:56:56.000 It's Darwinism.
01:56:57.000 Yeah.
01:56:58.000 I've also felt like when anything happens to you that's good, then you actually believe that good things can happen.
01:57:05.000 For me, it's like believing that something good can happen.
01:57:09.000 All I could think of was, well, if I keep working at this, more good things can happen.
01:57:14.000 I'm on a roll, and I don't want to stop this roll. 0.58
01:57:18.000 And so I think, you know, when you're a young guy and, you know, your life has been like kind of like half sketchy, filled with a lot of fucking failures, all relationship failures, all just different failures that you go through. 0.53
01:57:32.000 and then you're on stage and you're trying to do comedy. 0.75
01:57:36.000 Just trying to make sense of that aspect of your past.
01:57:40.000 When you look back on your life of being an open-miker and the wild experience of trying to fucking do that for a living, it doesn't even feel like it's you, does it? 0.65
01:57:51.000 Doesn't it feel like it's a lie? 0.68
01:57:53.000 It feels like you're accessing memories that were copied a hundred times over and they're real shitty and you're like, I think it was this guy...
01:58:02.000 Larry Rapucci?
01:58:03.000 Yeah, yeah, Larry Rapucci.
01:58:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:58:05.000 Yeah, and I think I wore shirts that had zippers going down the arms.
01:58:10.000 And I think I had a mullet, and I think I did a joke about what I do when girls are blowing me. 1.00
01:58:14.000 And I also look at it like limitless fucking energy and passion. 0.99
01:58:20.000 I would tape every set. 0.99
01:58:22.000 Rewrite it. 1.00
01:58:23.000 I would fucking drive. 1.00
01:58:24.000 Me and you, we would drive all over the fucking place. 1.00
01:58:26.000 It was... 1.00
01:58:26.000 There was no limit. 1.00
01:58:27.000 And then I'd get up at the crack of dawn and do fucking banquet waitering and then I would go audition for some cold call bullshit downtown. 0.99
01:58:34.000 I mean, it was not like now where I gotta pace myself, pick my battles. 0.99
01:58:38.000 Back then it was, no, every fucking battle, I'm in. 0.75
01:58:41.000 Yeah, and somewhere along the line, I think, as a stand-up comedian, you forget that this was a terrifying time. 0.96
01:58:49.000 Like, those times that you talk about were terrifying.
01:58:51.000 But...
01:58:52.000 Might have been the most exciting moments of your life. 0.99
01:58:55.000 I mean, the first couple of sets that you do that are good, that feeling when you're like, holy fucking shit, I think I'm onto something. 0.99
01:59:03.000 And then you become obsessed. 0.98
01:59:04.000 You want to write things down everywhere you go.
01:59:07.000 Because I went to college, and to me it was like...
01:59:11.000 I was told what to do and how to think for four years.
01:59:14.000 There were tests on a set of information I was supposed to learn and internalize and believe.
01:59:20.000 Then you're going to stand up and it's a blank slate.
01:59:24.000 It's what do you think?
01:59:25.000 What do you believe?
01:59:26.000 And you make that work.
01:59:27.000 And all of a sudden I felt in a way like that made me grow up in six months more than I did in four years in college because it was all my creation.
01:59:37.000 Yeah.
01:59:38.000 Yeah, that's one of the most important things about really finding yourself is putting something down and then being able to look at it and go, I got that.
01:59:46.000 I did that.
01:59:48.000 This is an actual thing that I did.
01:59:50.000 Like here it is.
01:59:51.000 I put it down and then you can move on from it.
01:59:54.000 So easy.
01:59:55.000 So much more easy.
01:59:56.000 You get more momentum.
01:59:57.000 Yeah.
01:59:57.000 Did you ever read The War of Art, a Steven Pressfield book?
02:00:00.000 What's it called?
02:00:01.000 The War of Art.
02:00:02.000 No, you told me about that once.
02:00:03.000 Dude, I got a copy for you.
02:00:05.000 Yeah?
02:00:05.000 Yeah, Brian, reach out to me.
02:00:06.000 By the way, I want to, on the air, thank Joe Rogan for one of the best gifts I've gotten in the last fucking ten years.
02:00:13.000 A beautiful, I'm going to mispronounce the name. 0.83
02:00:15.000 Ariel Carmeli.
02:00:17.000 Ariel Carmeli Pool Q. And I am a pool fanatic my whole life, and I haven't had a pool Q in about 15 years.
02:00:26.000 They're under that shelf, Brian, down there.
02:00:28.000 There's two books down there.
02:00:30.000 See him?
02:00:31.000 It's the war of art.
02:00:34.000 They're in the corner.
02:00:35.000 Can you reach it or no?
02:00:35.000 No.
02:00:36.000 You yoga-doing bitch. 1.00
02:00:38.000 I don't even see him. 1.00
02:00:39.000 Alright, I'll find it.
02:00:40.000 I'll give it to you after the show.
02:00:41.000 Remind me.
02:00:41.000 They're right there.
02:00:42.000 He just can't reach over.
02:00:43.000 He's impossible.
02:00:44.000 I'm impossible. 0.99
02:00:45.000 I bet if there was a cock down there, he could reach over. 1.00
02:00:47.000 Oh yeah, he would already be sucking it. 1.00
02:00:49.000 He'd already be... 1.00
02:00:52.000 No, Brian, it's okay.
02:00:53.000 Don't get it.
02:00:53.000 It's no need.
02:00:54.000 No, no, it's no big deal.
02:00:56.000 That was the most passive-aggressive thing I've ever heard.
02:00:59.000 Yeah, I see it.
02:01:00.000 It's on the other side, right?
02:01:01.000 It's alright, man.
02:01:01.000 Just leave it there.
02:01:02.000 Yeah, don't worry about it, man.
02:01:04.000 Totally cool with it.
02:01:05.000 Really happy with you.
02:01:06.000 It's no big deal. 1.00
02:01:08.000 Damn. 0.99
02:01:09.000 I mean, it's just right next to you. 1.00
02:01:11.000 No, no, no.
02:01:12.000 There you go.
02:01:12.000 That's the book.
02:01:13.000 I bought a bunch of copies just to give them to people.
02:01:15.000 Like it's got dust all over it.
02:01:17.000 Yep.
02:01:18.000 I love it.
02:01:18.000 Break through the blocks and win your inner creative battles.
02:01:21.000 Thank you, brother. 1.00
02:01:21.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00
02:01:22.000 It's a great book. 1.00
02:01:23.000 Alright.
02:01:23.000 Right, I love it.
02:01:24.000 It's a great book for creativity and sort of getting past the roadblocks of procrastination. 0.99
02:01:33.000 Oh, fuck. 0.99
02:01:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
02:01:35.000 Somebody showed me this once before.
02:01:36.000 Very interesting work.
02:01:37.000 It's stuff you kind of read and then meditate on each thing.
02:01:40.000 Yeah.
02:01:40.000 Well, you know, it's an ethic.
02:01:41.000 The guy provides an ethic, and he's got a new one called Turning Pro, which is just as good.
02:01:45.000 I just got into that.
02:01:46.000 But he's a very inspirational dude.
02:01:48.000 You know, I love hearing about dudes who work really hard.
02:01:51.000 I don't like hearing about guys who become crazy and become obsessed and become unhealthy like they work too much.
02:01:57.000 But I like hearing about dudes who have a great work ethic.
02:02:00.000 Whenever I hear about Louis C.K. putting out a new hour every year, I love hearing that.
02:02:05.000 That's inspirational to me.
02:02:07.000 I feel like I get some energy out of that.
02:02:10.000 I think it's too much.
02:02:12.000 It's too much for me.
02:02:13.000 It turned out I did mine and then I did another one in a little less than two years.
02:02:19.000 That's why I was doing a lot of the UFC stuff as well.
02:02:22.000 I do less UFC stuff now than I did before.
02:02:25.000 So it was while I was doing that.
02:02:26.000 But I still feel like...
02:02:28.000 I like to have a bit around for a while.
02:02:31.000 Like, I put some stuff... 0.99
02:02:32.000 Your bits are fucking thick, too. 0.99
02:02:34.000 I mean, it's not like you write a freestanding joke, then have to write another... 0.99
02:02:38.000 I mean, you find something, and you explore it, and you extend it, and then by the end, you've got a chunk that's ten minutes.
02:02:45.000 So you string together six of those, you've got an hour. 1.00
02:02:47.000 And I know there's more life to shit sometimes, but I put some stuff on a special before, and then right after it's in, you're like, oh, you motherfucker. 1.00
02:02:56.000 The punchline of Punchline comes out. 0.99
02:02:59.000 You know, the tagline that changes the whole bit.
02:03:01.000 Oh, you know, Dana Gould just gave me a tagline that took a bit that was already killing and doubled it.
02:03:06.000 Really?
02:03:07.000 I get this bit about how we waste water in this country, how we just have fun with it.
02:03:11.000 It's like a joke.
02:03:12.000 We have water parks. 1.00
02:03:13.000 We have fountains, which just shoot water in the air like, fuck Fuck you! 1.00
02:03:17.000 Look at all this water! 1.00
02:03:18.000 And then Dana's tagline was, and then what do we do?
02:03:20.000 We take money we don't need and we throw it in the fountain.
02:03:23.000 Wow.
02:03:24.000 And on top of always killing, that tagline just like instant applause break.
02:03:28.000 So true. 0.98
02:03:30.000 That's a perfect description of ridiculous opulence. 0.98
02:03:34.000 A giant fountain. 0.97
02:03:36.000 Like one of those people you can dip in, dip your feet in, sit in front, talk.
02:03:40.000 There's like a kid with a pot in his lap and it's like he's pissing.
02:03:43.000 You ever see those?
02:03:44.000 Pissing out of it.
02:03:44.000 I saw a house in Montecito once, you know, out in Santa Barbara.
02:03:48.000 Yeah. 0.74
02:03:48.000 That was, these people had like, they must have owned a museum or some shit, but they had a fountain that was so big they converted it into a swimming pool. 0.74
02:03:58.000 Damn. 1.00
02:03:58.000 Was fucking huge. 1.00
02:04:00.000 This huge, gorgeous fountain was a swimming pool. 0.99
02:04:04.000 These people had like three fountains.
02:04:05.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:04:06.000 This house was ridiculous. 0.97
02:04:07.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:04:07.000 That Montecito area of Santa Barbara is like some of the most gorgeous houses you've ever seen in your life. 0.97
02:04:12.000 Oh, hell yeah.
02:04:13.000 Perfect weather all year round.
02:04:14.000 They're looking over the ocean. 0.99
02:04:15.000 You're like, holy shit. 0.96
02:04:17.000 Anytime I'm in that part of the world, you go down below San Francisco, they got a thing called the Seven Mile Drive, which is where Pebble Beach Golf Club is. 0.99
02:04:23.000 And I really do think that there is not a more beautiful place.
02:04:26.000 I mean, I haven't been to Tuscany.
02:04:28.000 I'm sure there's places.
02:04:29.000 But I feel like you can actually afford to live in a place along the jagged California coast where the weather is fucking perfect all the time.
02:04:37.000 It's just peaceful people.
02:04:39.000 And I sort of feel like...
02:04:41.000 Why not do that?
02:04:42.000 Teach school?
02:04:43.000 Teach school?
02:04:44.000 What are you doing? 1.00
02:04:45.000 Living in a fucking movie? 1.00
02:04:46.000 We're going to learn how to bake bread? 1.00
02:04:47.000 Yeah, I lost it there for a second. 1.00
02:04:48.000 You're faking shit, son. 1.00
02:04:49.000 Sorry. 1.00
02:04:50.000 That's crazy.
02:04:50.000 But there are some places like Carmel.
02:04:53.000 Like, have you ever been to where?
02:04:54.000 That was where Clint Eastwood was the mayor.
02:04:55.000 No, Carmel is right below where I'm talking about.
02:04:57.000 Oh, is it right below that?
02:04:58.000 Yeah, it's right there. 0.96
02:04:58.000 It's so fucking beautiful. 0.96
02:04:59.000 Yeah, it's amazing. 0.98
02:05:00.000 It's so beautiful you can hardly believe it. 0.99
02:05:02.000 And it's a cool fucking town. 0.99
02:05:02.000 It's all like art galleries and like cafes that are fucking, you know, international and it's bad. 0.99
02:05:07.000 I mean, but it's one of those things where hope you like white people! 1.00
02:05:11.000 Because that's all we got here. 0.90
02:05:12.000 Rich white people.
02:05:13.000 Yeah, that's a real white town, right? 0.96
02:05:15.000 Old white people. 0.83
02:05:16.000 It's all like old Clint Eastwood types.
02:05:18.000 Yeah.
02:05:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:05:20.000 He said some crazy shit at the Republican. 1.00
02:05:22.000 Oh, he's losing his marbles. 1.00
02:05:24.000 For sure, right?
02:05:25.000 Well, it's like, it's tough because those John Wayne type guys, they come from an era where, you know, men were manly and it was simple and it was black and white.
02:05:33.000 And it's just a different world now.
02:05:35.000 And you try to, you can't shake.
02:05:37.000 Clint Eastwood's not going to not be that guy.
02:05:39.000 But the times dictate a different, more layered approach to things.
02:05:43.000 I think he's missing a substantial amount of what he used to have as a young man as far as his intuition on how to do things correctly.
02:05:54.000 Yeah.
02:05:54.000 He just doesn't seem, he didn't seem there.
02:05:57.000 It seemed like a big struggle to me.
02:05:59.000 That whole thing where he's bringing in Jon Voight.
02:06:01.000 Yeah.
02:06:01.000 Help me, Jon.
02:06:02.000 I can't be up here by myself.
02:06:03.000 Yeah.
02:06:04.000 There was something weird about it, you know, just all the crazy talk about him being a conservative and conservatives and we just try to, you know, play our cards closer to our vest.
02:06:13.000 Like, what are you getting wrapped up with?
02:06:16.000 Do you really believe this narrative?
02:06:18.000 Do you really believe this?
02:06:19.000 Or are you actually paying attention to what you're supporting by being there, pretending to talk to a chair? 1.00
02:06:24.000 Like, if you talk to the president like that, he should beat the fuck out of you. 1.00
02:06:27.000 He should box your ears. 1.00
02:06:28.000 Who the fuck are you to talk to the president like that? 1.00
02:06:30.000 It's so disrespectful. 1.00
02:06:31.000 It's incredibly disrespectful. 1.00
02:06:32.000 That whole fucking thing was just negating. 1.00
02:06:34.000 None of it was putting out... 0.99
02:06:36.000 Here's our plan for the economic recovery specifically. 0.99
02:06:40.000 All it was was tax cuts and more shit we're going to give you. 0.98
02:06:44.000 Stuff that adds up to negative. 0.99
02:06:46.000 And yet they're selling it by basically dismantling what already existed.
02:06:51.000 Like, everything was a negation.
02:06:53.000 There was no positive energy about it.
02:06:57.000 Yeah, it's a weird thing to watch this all play out, to watch this Mitt Romney guy and to see this whole situation.
02:07:03.000 It's really weird.
02:07:05.000 It's weird.
02:07:06.000 It's weird to watch it play out, man. 0.99
02:07:08.000 This Paul Ryan dude has already been busted lying on all sorts of shit. 0.99
02:07:11.000 He said he ran a marathon in less than three hours. 1.00
02:07:14.000 Yep.
02:07:15.000 That's like world class.
02:07:16.000 They timed it and it was four hours.
02:07:19.000 Over four hours.
02:07:20.000 Over four hours.
02:07:20.000 So he lied by over an hour.
02:07:22.000 The New Yorker did this piece last month about this guy who was a serial marathon liar and he had a website about raising money for kids with fucking Down syndrome and support him. 0.94
02:07:31.000 This guy is a dentist in a small town in Michigan who everybody loves and he's got this whole reputation about being this marathon runner who's going to run in all 48... 0.97
02:07:40.000 In the continental U.S. And he's going to do a marathon on each one.
02:07:44.000 He's going to post his results.
02:07:46.000 Well, there started to be a couple questions about that.
02:07:50.000 There was no pictures of him in the middle of certain races.
02:07:52.000 And there is a fearsome marathon contingent that tracks every single marathon.
02:07:59.000 One of the things they have is there's chips.
02:08:01.000 And you have to hit, I think, three chips during the race to prevent the Rosie Ruiz thing.
02:08:07.000 Right, from someone jumping in a car and then someone pushes him.
02:08:10.000 So they went back and they looked at the chips. 0.90
02:08:12.000 He fucking hit all of his chips in every one, but then there's pictures of him in different outfits. 0.97
02:08:17.000 There's races where there's no pictures. 0.99
02:08:19.000 There was one race he actually made up.
02:08:22.000 What?
02:08:23.000 He just made up a race?
02:08:24.000 He posted that he wanted to have a San Jose marathon.
02:08:27.000 Nobody responded.
02:08:29.000 So he posted 10 people that finished at a certain time, made up the names, put them on the website, and had him as the winner.
02:08:37.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
02:08:38.000 So anyway, they unraveled it.
02:08:40.000 And it was just more like, the piece was just about how people can get, what is it called when you lie and you have no guilt about it?
02:08:50.000 Sociopathic? 0.97
02:08:51.000 Yeah, sociopath. 0.99
02:08:51.000 Like, this is a sociopath about marathons. 0.99
02:08:54.000 Everything else in his life was totally fucking straight up good guy, except this crazy man. 0.98
02:08:58.000 And so, the point being, there was a very clear record with Paul Ryan of how long... 0.94
02:09:04.000 There's no discrepancy.
02:09:05.000 There's no, you know, he absolutely ran it in four hours and ten minutes and said it. 0.92
02:09:09.000 That's still pretty fucking good, really. 0.61
02:09:11.000 They say that's average. 0.98
02:09:13.000 I think that's pretty good.
02:09:15.000 For a guy that looks like that...
02:09:17.000 It's like an 11-minute mile.
02:09:18.000 I'm amazed he didn't quit.
02:09:21.000 Oh, the marathon?
02:09:22.000 Yeah, when Mazie made it through.
02:09:24.000 Yeah.
02:09:25.000 It's a hard thing to do.
02:09:27.000 I'm amazed when anybody runs 26 miles. 0.92
02:09:30.000 But why lie about the time when four hours sounds still pretty fucking good? 0.92
02:09:33.000 He's trying to pretend like he's a super athlete. 0.93
02:09:35.000 Well, that's the problem.
02:09:36.000 If he lies about that, to me it's a character thing.
02:09:39.000 Period.
02:09:40.000 If he's lying about that, what else is he going to lie about? 1.00
02:09:43.000 His numbers for the economy are a fucking joke. 1.00
02:09:46.000 They've been debunked by bipartisan committees in Congress because he introduced this whole new economic recovery plan and it was looked at and they said, this is horse shit. 1.00
02:09:57.000 This does not add up. 0.99
02:09:58.000 But he had every Republican lined up because he was the new hot shit in Congress when he came in as a junior senator. 0.93
02:10:05.000 What is his strategy or his philosophy that he's going to do that's different? 0.98
02:10:09.000 What was his idea?
02:10:10.000 Well, it's real.
02:10:11.000 Ayn Rand is this guy, so it's pure free market.
02:10:15.000 There's no regulations.
02:10:19.000 It's letting capitalism basically dictate everything.
02:10:23.000 It's about getting rid of the safety net entirely.
02:10:25.000 He wants to take apart Medicare.
02:10:27.000 He wants the entire new health care program Take it away.
02:10:31.000 He wants to privatize Social Security, which again has been shown in study after study after study is a worst case scenario.
02:10:39.000 You're taking a fund of money that people have paid into with a very nominal broker with a service fee built into a 0.04% or whatever, and you're saying, okay, everyone grab theirs, give it to a broker who's going to take 5%.
02:10:54.000 You're bloating This one industry because they've lobbied you.
02:10:59.000 That's all this is about.
02:11:00.000 Banks want to be able to get their hands on this money and crank up commissions in making the investments for you.
02:11:05.000 That's all this boils down to.
02:11:28.000 And he said that one of the first things that the United States government did was they printed Iraqi money. 0.97
02:11:33.000 Just fucking crazy amounts of it. 0.94
02:11:37.000 Just flooded the market with fake money. 0.99
02:11:39.000 And that's how you crush an economy.
02:11:41.000 Isn't that amazing?
02:11:42.000 Like, if they wanted to crush our economy, they would just make, just put millions and millions of dollars, like, in the streets.
02:11:49.000 And people would go crazy and run out and buy Ferraris.
02:11:51.000 Ferraris would be worth nothing.
02:11:53.000 Do you think that happened here?
02:11:54.000 Do you think that's Could it happen here?
02:11:56.000 Yes.
02:11:57.000 Look, the economy's not based on anything.
02:11:59.000 That's the idea of a gold standard.
02:12:01.000 That's where it's supposed to make some sense.
02:12:03.000 And the idea, though, that you're going to be able to make something like a dollar bill that can't be reproduced by somebody with nefarious means, of course they're going to be able to figure that out, man.
02:12:13.000 As technology gets better, they're not going to be able to hold off that whole print and press thing.
02:12:17.000 People are going to figure out how to make money.
02:12:19.000 To this day, I forget what the Iraqi currency is.
02:12:23.000 The dinar, I think?
02:12:24.000 Yes, exactly.
02:12:24.000 It is the lowest rated currency on the planet.
02:12:29.000 It's like 100,000 per $1.
02:12:31.000 What do you do then?
02:12:32.000 You have to start from scratch.
02:12:34.000 You have to start the whole civilization from scratch.
02:12:36.000 Well, you've got to go to the gold standard.
02:12:38.000 I mean, you've got to find something to tether it to. 0.98
02:12:41.000 Yeah, and then by then, the military's in the streets, and you're fucked, and you just scramble. 0.96
02:12:46.000 You know what's amazing? 0.96
02:12:47.000 You're talking about Mesopotamia. 0.99
02:12:49.000 You're talking about the most fertile, the origins of all civilization, and it's a fuck zone. 0.99
02:12:55.000 It's amazing. 0.99
02:12:56.000 Well, I think they're the townies of the world.
02:13:01.000 I think that's what it is.
02:13:03.000 They've just been around too long?
02:13:05.000 Yeah.
02:13:05.000 That's where civilization was invented.
02:13:07.000 So that area is all the same assholes who developed their civilization 6,000 years ago. 0.99
02:13:16.000 They just stayed. 1.00
02:13:16.000 Everybody else is like, these people are fucking crazy. 1.00
02:13:19.000 They're throwing rocks at people for dancing. 1.00
02:13:20.000 Let's get out of here.
02:13:21.000 So every other civilization branched off from that one part.
02:13:25.000 But they stayed.
02:13:26.000 Yeah, they got two stories.
02:13:28.000 I got a double decker. 0.99
02:13:29.000 I'm fucking renting out the upstairs to my parents. 0.97
02:13:33.000 When you go back to Ohio, do you relate to townies, or do you think that Ohio's a better place to live? 0.99
02:13:39.000 It's just boring.
02:13:41.000 If I could have a humongous house, people live great there.
02:13:46.000 My sister has two kids, works as a hairstylist, but she has a huge house and a huge yard. 1.00
02:13:52.000 It's weird, isn't it?
02:13:54.000 It's easier and more comfortable.
02:13:55.000 It's not as stressful.
02:13:57.000 It's weird how much variation there is in areas where you could buy a house.
02:14:02.000 Variation?
02:14:03.000 The money.
02:14:04.000 Oh, what you can get.
02:14:05.000 Yeah.
02:14:06.000 And another thing was when you walk to your car at night and when you do certain things, you automatically feel safe out there.
02:14:14.000 You could just sit there and just have money in both of your hands and walk to your car after going to a movie. 0.99
02:14:20.000 And no one will give a shit. 0.98
02:14:21.000 Do you remember that dude from that video that you made? 0.88
02:14:24.000 The dude who went to one of your best videos, by the way?
02:14:26.000 The heckler, the drunk heckler in Columbus?
02:14:29.000 Oh, yeah.
02:14:29.000 Remember that one?
02:14:30.000 Yeah.
02:14:30.000 Dude, first of all, that was an awesome video you made because the way you edited it was so funny.
02:14:36.000 The dude was so ridiculous, but we missed the best part of the story.
02:14:41.000 Because this guy who had his shirt off in my comedy show, screaming, yelling. 1.00
02:14:45.000 No shit! 1.00
02:14:45.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00
02:14:46.000 I came on stage and I hugged him. 1.00
02:14:47.000 It was like the most ridiculous shit of all time. 1.00
02:14:49.000 He was just like so hammered. 1.00
02:14:50.000 He was so crazy.
02:14:51.000 We ran into him at the end of the night, face covered in blood, shirtless. 0.99
02:14:56.000 Just somebody beat the fuck out of this guy.
02:14:59.000 And I looked at him and I looked at him and I'm like, sorry, dude. 0.60
02:15:02.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:15:02.000 But we didn't fucking film him. 0.97
02:15:04.000 No one had anything on us. 1.00
02:15:06.000 We were like, shit. 0.99
02:15:08.000 Yeah, I saw this dude. 1.00
02:15:09.000 I was in...
02:15:11.000 I was in San Jose. 1.00
02:15:12.000 You ever do that fucking club in San Jose? 0.99
02:15:14.000 The improv? 1.00
02:15:14.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:15:15.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99
02:15:15.000 Fucking amazing. 0.99
02:15:16.000 I was supposed to do it sometime soon, but the show got moved. 0.97
02:15:21.000 I was going to do the Friday night before UFC. That place is like a 500-year-old ancient theater.
02:15:28.000 1903. Charlie Chaplin performed there.
02:15:31.000 And the acoustics, you don't even need a microphone. 0.98
02:15:33.000 500 years old, I'm just making shit up. 1.00
02:15:34.000 There weren't people in California 500 years ago, stupid. 1.00
02:15:37.000 I know. 1.00
02:15:38.000 What were the Aztecs doing a stand-up show?
02:15:40.000 Isn't that weird that just 500 years ago there was no people?
02:15:43.000 And you go to Europe, and you talk about Iraq.
02:15:46.000 That's a history.
02:15:47.000 Yeah, that San Jose improv is one of the most beautiful interiors.
02:15:51.000 The inside, and the feel of it, it feels like a seasoned performance room.
02:15:57.000 Yeah, it's like a well-worn room. 0.98
02:15:59.000 And the guy that runs a gym is fucking treating me great. 0.98
02:16:01.000 Professional bowler. 0.99
02:16:02.000 Yes! 1.00
02:16:03.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00
02:16:04.000 Yeah, he was a Vietnam vet, too. 1.00
02:16:06.000 Good dude, too.
02:16:07.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:16:07.000 He goes bowling and just fucks people up, apparently.
02:16:11.000 Apparently, he's a legit world-class bowler. 1.00
02:16:13.000 No shit. 0.99
02:16:14.000 And he'll go to Vegas, and people gamble in Vegas. 1.00
02:16:16.000 They get crazy.
02:16:17.000 They're out there on vacation.
02:16:18.000 Let's go bowl a few frames. 0.99
02:16:20.000 They start talking shit, and he comes over, and he knows how to hustle, too. 0.99
02:16:23.000 He knows how to play their ego. 1.00
02:16:25.000 Wow.
02:16:25.000 And he starts getting involved in big gambling with some knuckleheads.
02:16:28.000 And he's come back with sick money from gambling in Vegas.
02:16:31.000 Nice. 0.98
02:16:32.000 Yeah, and he's such a fucking cool guy. 0.95
02:16:35.000 Just unabashedly, the real deal, just a cool guy. 1.00
02:16:39.000 Yeah, he got fucked, man. 1.00
02:16:42.000 He went to Vietnam for three and a half years, came back, did his 21 years in the Navy, and now he's like, yeah, I get $120 a month in fucking benefits. 1.00
02:16:52.000 He goes, they cut all the benefits that you promised, including going to the VA hospital to get your glasses, dental, all that shit's gone. 0.99
02:17:00.000 How can they do that? 1.00
02:17:01.000 What the fuck? 1.00
02:17:03.000 You go to war, you put your life on the line for the country, you are fucking taken care of, period. 1.00
02:17:10.000 That is the biggest travesty happening right now. 0.99
02:17:12.000 We had to do some UFC fights.
02:17:14.000 We did it for this Institute for Traumatic Brain Injury, I believe it's called.
02:17:19.000 They're building some huge thing, so they had to raise money for it.
02:17:22.000 So the UFC fights raised a lot of money for it.
02:17:25.000 But one of the things I was thinking of is how crazy is it that there's these billion dollar deals that these people like Halliburton or these companies rather like Halliburton get.
02:17:33.000 Billion dollar deals.
02:17:34.000 And in it, somehow or another, is not the money for these rehabilitation centers.
02:17:39.000 Like, that's insane.
02:17:40.000 The fact that they can profit off the war and not be giving anything back in the form of some, at least, you know, do what a charity's doing.
02:17:51.000 At least do that.
02:17:52.000 I mean, you're profiting from it.
02:17:53.000 The charity's just stepping in.
02:17:55.000 That's exactly why it's privatized because the U.S. government allows itself to be buffered from, number one, if there's a rape overseas, it does not get processed in U.S. courts.
02:18:06.000 They've got all illegal people working the jobs. 0.99
02:18:09.000 They tell these girls in the Philippines, Halliburton does, through another agency, that they're going to get a job doing hairstyling and they're going to make $40,000 a year. 0.91
02:18:17.000 They take them off and they're working at fucking Burger King in the Mideast. 0.93
02:18:22.000 Sleeping in fucking tankers and paying off the money they had to pay to get over there for like five or six years before they make a dollar. 1.00
02:18:31.000 Yeah, that's slavery. 1.00
02:18:32.000 Yeah, it's fucking slavery. 1.00
02:18:33.000 It's slavery where they just have it written down somewhere so it's like okay to do. 1.00
02:18:37.000 Yep.
02:18:38.000 Somehow or another it's okay.
02:18:39.000 Because it's not the U.S. government because the U.S. government is subcontracting to Halliburton so that any kind of lawsuits that come in, they don't touch the U.S. government.
02:18:50.000 And so they're not paying out to the soldiers because they have no real relationship to them.
02:18:54.000 They figured out a way to do slavery without chains.
02:18:56.000 Just make it so they can't leave.
02:18:58.000 You might lose one or two every now and then, but you can get them back.
02:19:01.000 You can get different ones.
02:19:03.000 And it's a terrifying sort of a situation, but that's like a lot of what's going on apparently in parts of the Middle East, in like Dubai.
02:19:11.000 I heard that that had gone on in some construction sites.
02:19:14.000 I think, didn't Vice do a special on that, Brian?
02:19:17.000 I don't know.
02:19:18.000 Dubai brings in people from, I don't know, I can't remember what country it is, but they bring them in on these, they're not even, they're like work visas that are like a week long.
02:19:31.000 And the second you're done with your work, you're gone.
02:19:33.000 It's just, you don't earn your way in.
02:19:36.000 And so it's something like, you know, three quarters of the workforce is not from that country. 0.99
02:19:41.000 And they just have these sprawling fucking camps that people live in. 0.98
02:19:44.000 And then they kick them out as soon as they're out instantly. 0.99
02:19:46.000 No coverage in accidents whatsoever.
02:19:49.000 It's barbaric. 0.99
02:19:51.000 It's fucked up, too, because, again, we're talking about the townies of the world. 0.99
02:19:55.000 So they really still are rocking it the same way they did a thousand years ago or several thousand years ago. 0.99
02:20:00.000 They really are rocking it like that.
02:20:02.000 They're just rocking it like that behind the rules.
02:20:04.000 I mean, they really do still have kings.
02:20:07.000 And there was some piece on that dude...
02:20:12.000 Who we had, Brian, on the podcast the other day, David Seaman.
02:20:16.000 He had something.
02:20:17.000 That's his real name.
02:20:18.000 Powerful dude, though.
02:20:19.000 Sorry, dude.
02:20:19.000 He's a great guy.
02:20:20.000 That is his real name.
02:20:22.000 And there was something that he had on his Twitter page that showed how CNN had some stories about the Arab Spring uprising in Bahrain, and they decided not to air it. 0.99
02:20:37.000 And apparently Bahrain is fucked up, man. 0.91
02:20:40.000 People started to make YouTube videos of it and put them online because there's not enough interest. 0.99
02:20:45.000 Everyone's aware of Saudi Arabia.
02:20:47.000 Everyone's aware of what's happened in Egypt.
02:20:50.000 Everyone's aware of Libya.
02:20:51.000 But a lot of people are not aware of Bahrain, so they're still trying to keep this one locked down while everything else is going on. 0.99
02:20:57.000 But there's some horrific fucking footage, man. 0.98
02:20:59.000 And it's just government-controlled media? 1.00
02:21:01.000 Yeah, man.
02:21:01.000 They're gunning people down.
02:21:03.000 They're trying to stop a civil uprising. 1.00
02:21:05.000 No shit. 1.00
02:21:06.000 It's horrific stuff, man. 1.00
02:21:08.000 Horrific stuff.
02:21:08.000 And there's really graphic videos available online.
02:21:11.000 And our interest in the Arab Spring ended about a year ago.
02:21:14.000 People don't even know what's going on.
02:21:15.000 Syria's worse than any of it. 1.00
02:21:16.000 And people aren't even fucking tracking that. 0.98
02:21:18.000 Because it's like, we already had Egypt. 0.98
02:21:20.000 We already had Libya. 0.94
02:21:21.000 We've got our fill.
02:21:22.000 What people don't understand is the apocalypse is here.
02:21:26.000 It just hasn't reached California.
02:21:28.000 But the apocalypse, if you're in Bahrain, that's the apocalypse. 1.00
02:21:32.000 If friends are getting their heads blown off right next to you by sniper rifles, that's the apocalypse.
02:21:37.000 I mean, this is a civil war.
02:21:39.000 People are dying in the street.
02:21:40.000 The government is gunning down civilians.
02:21:42.000 I mean, it's craziness.
02:21:45.000 But what about the places that, like Egypt, that now has democratically elected...
02:21:50.000 Do they really?
02:21:51.000 Isn't it the Muslim Brotherhood? 0.97
02:21:52.000 Yeah, they were voted in, though.
02:21:54.000 And you know what?
02:21:55.000 They're not as bad as people think.
02:21:56.000 As they say.
02:21:57.000 They sound, rather.
02:21:58.000 They sound scary.
02:21:59.000 You know what, though?
02:21:59.000 It's one of those things where they're going to sneak it in.
02:22:02.000 They get in office.
02:22:03.000 Everything's cool.
02:22:04.000 Everybody gets a turkey at Thanksgiving. 1.00
02:22:05.000 Two years later, the women are all in fucking potato sacks. 1.00
02:22:08.000 I wonder how much longer that's going to work with the internet, with the distribution of information that we have right now. 1.00
02:22:12.000 It's harder and harder to convince kids of nonsense.
02:22:15.000 It's harder and harder.
02:22:16.000 It's just not the same sort of animal that was around when we grew up.
02:22:20.000 When we grew up, even if you didn't believe in God, if it made no sense, you hedged your bet.
02:22:25.000 You went along with everything and you know you believe it is real.
02:22:28.000 I did all that shit I was supposed to do Even if you don't have a whole ton of faith in it You don't have the kind of access to it Or we didn't rather have the kind of access to information the kids have today because if they have a question about anything Like why is the sky blue they Google why is the sky blue? 0.98
02:22:40.000 I mean kids just are growing up doing that now So they ever have a quite you can't just bullshit them. 0.98
02:22:45.000 Yeah Yeah, but you're assuming the internet stays as free as it is now.
02:22:50.000 I mean, just by saying Google, you know, so many people get their information from two portals.
02:22:54.000 You've got Wikipedia and Google, and if those are, you know, Google is part of a multinational corporation, and eventually they're going to rein it in because of corporate sponsors or because the same pressure CNN gets to not put out stuff about Bahrain.
02:23:06.000 Any big company is ultimately going to be affected by the people that are running it.
02:23:11.000 Did you hear that some of those leet hacker dudes hacked into an FBI laptop and found the names of 14 million Apple iOS users?
02:23:26.000 They found information on them.
02:23:29.000 And same with PlayStation 3. They cracked into that database and got all those names.
02:23:33.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99
02:23:35.000 And Xbox. 0.99
02:23:36.000 Well, because they challenged them.
02:23:37.000 I think Xbox challenged them.
02:23:39.000 They said, you'll never crack...
02:23:40.000 It was either PlayStation 3 or Xbox that challenged the hackers, basically.
02:23:44.000 Oh, you can't do that.
02:23:44.000 And it was over.
02:23:45.000 You can't do that.
02:23:46.000 They can get through anything.
02:23:48.000 But what was scary about it was that this whole hacker thing really wasn't really recognized.
02:23:58.000 Yeah.
02:23:59.000 Yeah, I mean, when you see that guy, Kevin Mitnick, you know who that guy is?
02:24:06.000 Hacker.
02:24:06.000 Do you know who that guy is?
02:24:07.000 I think so.
02:24:07.000 He was a really famous hacker.
02:24:09.000 Yeah.
02:24:09.000 He was a guy who at one point in time...
02:24:11.000 They offered him a job eventually at one of the big companies.
02:24:14.000 Yeah.
02:24:14.000 He would do what's called phone freaking.
02:24:17.000 Phone freaking, you figure out how to make calls through a box that would send a tone down the line.
02:24:25.000 This is like the step one.
02:24:27.000 It's like the hacking the system.
02:24:28.000 It's like back when dial tone phones came online.
02:24:32.000 See, before dial tones, we all remember when you were a really little kid, you had to spin that dial, which is really alien to people today.
02:24:39.000 But when you dial the number, you go...
02:24:42.000 Because it was analog. 0.97
02:24:43.000 It was ridiculous.
02:24:45.000 And then they came out with a dial tone situation.
02:24:48.000 But what someone realized somewhere along the line is that there's a computer or something interfacing on the other end that's responding to the tones, and those tones represent a number.
02:24:58.000 So let's find out what those tones represent, and then we can fucking do whatever we want and have access to free, unlimited, long-distance calling.
02:25:06.000 Because remember back then, you couldn't get long distance.
02:25:08.000 Long distance was hard.
02:25:09.000 Yeah.
02:25:10.000 Like, if you dated a girl and she lived in the 508, you'd be like, oh, Jesus.
02:25:14.000 That's right. 0.95
02:25:14.000 She lives way the fuck over there. 0.95
02:25:15.000 It's long distance. 0.95
02:25:16.000 Yep.
02:25:17.000 Any sort of state, crossing state lines, long distance.
02:25:21.000 That was a long distance call. 1.00
02:25:23.000 Your fucking parents would scream at you. 1.00
02:25:24.000 That's right. 1.00
02:25:25.000 Are you on long distance?
02:25:26.000 It could be 10 miles away.
02:25:27.000 Remember you used to have a separate long distance company?
02:25:30.000 I had AT&T, but I had Sprint as my long distance.
02:25:33.000 That's right.
02:25:34.000 Sprint can save you money.
02:25:35.000 Do you remember when they used to have it for cell phones?
02:25:38.000 Where long distance for cell phones was super expensive?
02:25:41.000 It was crazy expensive.
02:25:42.000 Do you remember that?
02:25:42.000 It was crazy expensive.
02:25:43.000 So you'd use a calling card, which meant you had to punch in about 16 numbers before you put in the number you were calling.
02:25:50.000 Yes, exactly.
02:25:51.000 Yeah, I remember that.
02:25:52.000 But this Kevin Mitnick guy, he started out doing that and then eventually went to being some sort of a full-blown hacker.
02:25:59.000 But to go from that to be able to experience what's going on right now must be really incredible to witness.
02:26:06.000 Well, there's a group that he is actually opposed to.
02:26:09.000 There's a group that identifies itself as the somethings, and they are an international web of hackers that get off on doing it, and they've done everything.
02:26:19.000 You're talking about Lulsec?
02:26:20.000 Is that what it's called?
02:26:21.000 That's one of them.
02:26:22.000 There's a bunch.
02:26:22.000 No, I don't think it's Lulsec.
02:26:23.000 Anonymous.
02:26:23.000 Anonymous.
02:26:24.000 Oh, really?
02:26:25.000 Yeah, and he came out against Anonymous because for him, cracking the codes was about the science.
02:26:30.000 It was about the art of doing it.
02:26:32.000 And these guys are much more into sabotage.
02:26:35.000 They have a political agenda.
02:26:37.000 They out corporations and they blackmail them.
02:26:40.000 And so the bottom line is you're never going to get the talent on the payrolls that is going to be out there because they're independent-minded people.
02:26:48.000 They're anti-establishment people.
02:26:50.000 They don't want to be on a payroll because they don't want to be told what to do.
02:26:54.000 They offered this guy a job, and he went to Microsoft or one of those big companies for like six months.
02:26:58.000 They basically wanted him off the streets. 0.99
02:27:00.000 They wanted him in-house, and he just got bored and he fucking left. 0.85
02:27:04.000 Well, that was the big issue was that why did the FBI have these 14 million iOS users' information? 0.91
02:27:11.000 Why'd they have that on their laptop?
02:27:14.000 To what extent is spying already going on on almost every American civilian? 0.95
02:27:21.000 Because it's probably gotten pretty fucking crazy now.
02:27:24.000 Do you feel like when you're making a text message that you're sending it to the government as well? 1.00
02:27:29.000 Yeah, they saw my dick. 1.00
02:27:31.000 They've seen me talk about fucking farts. 1.00
02:27:33.000 I'm not worried about anything. 0.99
02:27:36.000 I understand that you're not worried about it, but do you understand that giving people that kind of access to information is not cool?
02:27:43.000 Who are they?
02:27:44.000 Why should we agree that they should be the ones... 0.98
02:27:50.000 I think that's ridiculous. 0.69
02:27:54.000 It's ridiculous to allow someone to be in that sort of voyeuristic position and not utilize it. 0.90
02:27:58.000 I mean, look at Anonymous or look at any of these hacking groups.
02:28:04.000 Those files, when people hacked PlayStation and stuff like that, If you were in the right circles, you'd be able to have that file.
02:28:14.000 You can download those.
02:28:15.000 What are you trying to say?
02:28:17.000 If you wanted information, if you wanted all this information, you yourself could get it right now if you went online.
02:28:23.000 If you wanted all these people's PS3 names and numbers or iOS 6 informations, the FBI got it online also.
02:28:33.000 There's torrents websites that you can download all this information off.
02:28:37.000 There's torrent websites where you can download stolen information?
02:28:41.000 Absolutely.
02:28:41.000 Really?
02:28:42.000 Absolutely.
02:28:42.000 So what are these websites like?
02:28:44.000 So this person, this FBI guy, his job could have been going to torrent websites and downloading shit.
02:28:51.000 He might have also had Beauty and the Beast in 3D on his website. 0.95
02:28:56.000 Who knows?
02:28:56.000 Who cares?
02:28:57.000 I mean, like, if they're going to single you out, they're going to single you out.
02:29:01.000 Dude, I completely appreciate your not wanting to get upset at the experience. 0.99
02:29:07.000 Like, who gives a fuck? 0.97
02:29:08.000 I'm not doing anything wrong. 0.99
02:29:09.000 But the real problem is you give people too much power and they fucking abuse it. 0.98
02:29:13.000 Yeah, like down the road. 0.96
02:29:14.000 And that's why there's all these psychological, like, fail-safes that are set up into our system that, you know, You're not supposed to have too much power.
02:29:22.000 It's supposed to be like a whole checks and balances system to make sure that people don't get out of hand because they do naturally.
02:29:27.000 And if someone all of a sudden can check your phone, someone all of a sudden can read all your emails, they're going to.
02:29:32.000 Yeah, and the bottom line is right now that seems safe because there's no imminent threat. 0.97
02:29:35.000 But you see a guy like Rick Perry become president and load up the fucking FBI and CIA with his people. 0.97
02:29:41.000 They're going to go, we want the Christian values protected in this country. 1.00
02:29:44.000 And they're going to start going after the guys that put their dicks online. 0.99
02:29:47.000 And you're going to be fucking, you know, I'm not going to be rounded up. 0.99
02:29:50.000 And that's when Anonymous is way more intelligent than the government. 0.99
02:29:54.000 You know, their hackers are way better than shitwoke. 0.56
02:29:57.000 Take over.
02:29:58.000 Do you think that that will eventually happen?
02:30:00.000 That's a fascinating idea.
02:30:01.000 The idea that the civilization will be taken over through the internet.
02:30:05.000 And that the internet, because everything is going to be run through the internet, they would figure out some way of having a constantly changing code that you can never crack.
02:30:14.000 And they use it to just manipulate wealth. 0.98
02:30:17.000 And then as long as you keep your shit together, they keep everything running smooth. 0.99
02:30:21.000 Yeah, but look what Israel did to Iran's internet. 1.00
02:30:25.000 They fucking blew it up. 0.98
02:30:27.000 They were able to crack every... 0.99
02:30:28.000 We're talking about the most intense firewalls that could be put up by a pretty wealthy country, Iran. 0.99
02:30:37.000 And they got in there and they fucking destroyed everything. 0.98
02:30:39.000 And I think you're right. 0.97
02:30:41.000 There's got to be a fail-safe in place for every country and an overall scheme.
02:30:46.000 I mean, there's no way somebody's not had the foresight to put that stuff in.
02:30:51.000 Yeah, it's kind of amazing when you stop and think about the ultimate goal of all this stuff is to connect us all in some really fucking strange way.
02:31:00.000 You know, the ultimate goal of all this technology is that there's not going to be any privacy in a decade.
02:31:05.000 It won't exist.
02:31:07.000 It'd be something that we looked back on when we were kids.
02:31:09.000 You're going to be able to go, I want to rent this six-foot room or whatever two years ago at 315. Here's the date.
02:31:20.000 You're going to be able to take the date, the time, and go, I want to see video and hear sound of what happened in that room.
02:31:26.000 Yeah, I bet you will be.
02:31:28.000 I bet eventually you will be. 0.76
02:31:30.000 Well, you know, the idea that has been proposed is that if you get a computer that's strong enough and wrap your head around this because this is really hard to fucking absorb...
02:31:38.000 That if you get a computer that's strong enough to record everything that has happened in this world, like every person that exists in this world, every business that's been created, and put all of this into a data bank, And extrapolate over a period of no more than X amount of days or hours that if this computer,
02:32:01.000 given enough data, knowing the characteristics of all these people, which eventually there'll be no limitations when it comes to processing power and no limitations when it comes to storage space, you literally will be able to store everything that ever happens.
02:32:15.000 And that this computer with just a few weeks of data might be able to go backwards mathematically and tell you the absolute accurate origins of life on Earth.
02:32:26.000 That it might literally, by studying things not just on a physical level but like on a subatomic level, there might be enough information that they could figure out pretty accurately what happened, like how a human being even came from the primordial slime, how it got to be a human.
02:32:44.000 It might be able to show you the birth of culture.
02:32:48.000 It might be able to show you with a supercomputer what's caused all of this.
02:32:52.000 How did this cause that and that caused this.
02:32:55.000 It might be something that you could figure out mathematically.
02:32:58.000 Well, what's amazing is how slow evolution is.
02:33:01.000 I mean, people think that...
02:33:02.000 Physical, yeah.
02:33:03.000 I mean, physical evolution takes so long, you can't even wrap your head around the amount of time that it would take for hair to not grow on your nose.
02:33:10.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:33:11.000 I mean, you're talking fucking millions of years of time for shit to really happen. 0.99
02:33:16.000 You know what's crazy? 0.99
02:33:18.000 Not always, man.
02:33:19.000 One of the things that they're finding out is that in some instances it takes place much quicker than they expected, like in the Congo.
02:33:25.000 The Congo's a rare spot because it used to be grasslands, but then it became a rainforest pretty quickly, and a lot of animals got trapped that are grasslands animals, like antelopes and stuff. 0.92
02:33:36.000 They got trapped in the Congo, and some of them learned how to fucking swim.
02:33:39.000 There's an animal that's an antelope. 0.99
02:33:41.000 I think it's called a diker. 0.98
02:33:43.000 And it swims and eats fish.
02:33:45.000 It can go underwater 100 yards. 0.99
02:33:47.000 I mean, it's fucking crazy. 0.99
02:33:48.000 This is an antelope, man. 0.99
02:33:50.000 I mean, it's adapted and evolved.
02:33:51.000 And if you look at all the animals that exist, there's a BBC Congo documentary.
02:33:56.000 That I've brought up before.
02:33:58.000 If you can find it online, get it. 0.98
02:33:59.000 It's fucking sensational. 1.00
02:34:01.000 It just shows you all the freaky shit that's in the Congo. 1.00
02:34:04.000 The birds and the lizards and the fish that come out of the water and walk to the next pond and jump in. 1.00
02:34:11.000 I mean, that's fucking nuts, man. 0.99
02:34:12.000 That's... 0.99
02:34:13.000 It's a really, really weird spot in this world.
02:34:18.000 What's the film called?
02:34:19.000 It's just called Congo.
02:34:20.000 It's a BBC documentary on the Congo.
02:34:22.000 But this has only happened over a couple thousand years.
02:34:26.000 So they wonder, when did this antelope start swimming and eating fish?
02:34:30.000 Before, it was almost like a little tiny deer running around.
02:34:34.000 But now it's eating fish? 1.00
02:34:36.000 What the fuck? 1.00
02:34:37.000 And you wonder about shit like, you know, they got that nuclear power plant down the coast here, and they talk about the changes in the fish around there because there's a certain amount of heat that emanates from the power plant into the ocean, and they say that there's been a change in the looks of some of the fish. 1.00
02:34:53.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.99
02:34:55.000 Have a nice dinner!
02:34:55.000 Of course there is.
02:34:57.000 I wonder what happens if you eat, I mean, I think it would be really bad for the fish to get all that radioactivity, but how bad is it for you to eat like a radioactive halibut?
02:35:06.000 Well, that's why they say don't eat old fish. 0.99
02:35:07.000 Don't eat fucking tuna. 1.00
02:35:08.000 Don't eat old stuff? 1.00
02:35:09.000 Eat fish that lives and dies very quickly.
02:35:12.000 Why is that?
02:35:13.000 Because the longer they're around, the more they're taking in...
02:35:16.000 Toxins.
02:35:17.000 What is it?
02:35:17.000 Yeah, but specifically, what's the metal that you...
02:35:19.000 Arsenic's one of them.
02:35:21.000 No.
02:35:23.000 Mercury?
02:35:23.000 Mercury.
02:35:24.000 Yeah.
02:35:24.000 The longer they live, the more mercury goes in their system.
02:35:26.000 I tested for high levels of arsenic from eating too many sardines. 1.00
02:35:30.000 No shit! 1.00
02:35:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:35:32.000 I used to like to eat sardines.
02:35:33.000 I used to eat them a can a day, sometimes two. 0.97
02:35:36.000 Disgusting. 0.97
02:35:36.000 You say disgusting, but I enjoyed it. 0.97
02:35:38.000 Why are you trying to make me feel bad? 0.70
02:35:40.000 Rosie O'Donnell's breath.
02:35:42.000 Come on! 1.00
02:35:43.000 She's gay! 1.00
02:35:44.000 You get it, ladies? 0.99
02:35:48.000 I did Rosie O'Donnell's TV show.
02:35:49.000 She had a TV show on Oprah's network for a while.
02:35:51.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:35:52.000 How was it?
02:35:52.000 She's very nice.
02:35:53.000 Yeah?
02:35:53.000 Yeah, she's nice.
02:35:54.000 She gave me a big hug and everything.
02:35:56.000 She's into conspiracy theories.
02:35:57.000 She does how to hurt she? 1.00
02:35:58.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:35:59.000 Huge.
02:36:00.000 Yeah, she likes to talk 9-11. 0.93
02:36:01.000 She likes to talk.
02:36:02.000 She's got some points.
02:36:03.000 She's got some valid points.
02:36:04.000 Hey, she's always been honest.
02:36:05.000 I respect that.
02:36:06.000 She didn't send up any wacko radar on my side. 0.97
02:36:09.000 You know, I'm one of those guys that I'll listen to anybody.
02:36:12.000 Anybody telling any crazy conspiracy theory, I'll listen, you know, for the most part.
02:36:16.000 But I know when people are just, like, really reaching, and she wasn't.
02:36:20.000 But she's, you know, she was on that show with, like, Elizabeth Hafenbach, who's, like, the really hot chick, who's, like, super Republican.
02:36:26.000 They would go to war about, you know, like, Tower 7 and 9-11 conspiracies, and ugh. 0.99
02:36:32.000 Yeah, and she also said some shit. 0.99
02:36:34.000 Didn't she defend, what's his name, Mel Gibson? 0.99
02:36:40.000 Mel Gibson, really?
02:36:41.000 I think she said, I forget, not a full-on defense, but sort of like way more than he should have gotten.
02:36:48.000 But here's the thing about, I think being somebody who is an alternate lifestyle person...
02:36:53.000 Is that you have to depart from the status quo to be who you really are.
02:36:58.000 And I think with that, you get some clarity and some truth in your life that you can apply to other things, conspiracy theories or whatever, because she's different.
02:37:07.000 So I think once you're labeled different, it frees you in a way.
02:37:11.000 That's interesting. 0.92
02:37:12.000 Yeah, well, she doesn't have to conform, and she's a big lesbian. 1.00
02:37:15.000 Everybody knows she's a lesbian. 1.00
02:37:17.000 She's powerful. 0.98
02:37:17.000 She's got a lot of money. 0.98
02:37:18.000 Chicks like her. 1.00
02:37:19.000 She gets hot chicks. 1.00
02:37:20.000 She does.
02:37:21.000 It's a tricky situation.
02:37:22.000 Hey, Brian, did we freeze up?
02:37:24.000 Mm-mm.
02:37:24.000 It shows I'm frozen up.
02:37:27.000 Oh, it just came back when I asked you.
02:37:28.000 Your video?
02:37:29.000 That's voodoo. 0.99
02:37:29.000 Yeah, we were frozen. 0.99
02:37:30.000 A lot of people watch the video?
02:37:32.000 I don't know.
02:37:32.000 Not as many.
02:37:34.000 It's probably we would do way better if we didn't even have it.
02:37:37.000 It's true.
02:37:38.000 I just released a podcast that was audio only, Olive Garden Podcast.
02:37:42.000 Yeah, it was called, ready?
02:37:44.000 Olive Garden Butthole.
02:37:46.000 It's called Olive Garden Butthole.
02:37:47.000 That's the name of the podcast?
02:37:48.000 Yeah, and we actually record it live at the Olive Garden. 1.00
02:37:51.000 It's pretty stupid. 0.99
02:37:52.000 They let you do it? 1.00
02:37:53.000 We had a show the other day and these people brought Brian breadsticks from the Olive Garden in an Olive Garden bag. 0.94
02:37:59.000 It's become the most ridiculous, repetitive joke. 0.99
02:38:01.000 It's so silly. 1.00
02:38:03.000 But by the way, how awesome was that fucking show? 1.00
02:38:05.000 Oh, amazing, dude. 0.99
02:38:07.000 Both Friday and Saturday night with Doug Stanhope and Joey Diaz and Ari.
02:38:12.000 So much fun.
02:38:13.000 We were supposed to do shows in Vegas, and I was supposed to have a UFC in Vegas, but the fight got canceled, so we moved it to the Ice House.
02:38:20.000 Do you go up there much besides when you do my shows there?
02:38:23.000 Do you ever do weekends there?
02:38:24.000 I've never done it in my life.
02:38:25.000 You've got to.
02:38:26.000 Love to do it.
02:38:27.000 It's one of the best clubs ever.
02:38:29.000 It's so perfect. 0.93
02:38:29.000 It's just such an old, seasoned place, short, fucking, like, really low ceiling, like, really tight, tight seating. 0.93
02:38:38.000 That's wide, but not deep. 0.98
02:38:39.000 Oh, it's perfect.
02:38:39.000 It's perfect.
02:38:40.000 I did some sort of a show...
02:38:43.000 I think George Lopez hosted it in 1994. That was the first time I ever went to the Ice House.
02:38:48.000 Oh, wait, it was in...
02:38:50.000 94, son.
02:38:50.000 What were you, six?
02:38:51.000 Was it a TV show?
02:38:52.000 They had a TV show for a while. 1.00
02:38:54.000 Damn. 0.99
02:38:54.000 He was 20, and I was on stage at the Ice House doing some TV show. 0.99
02:39:00.000 Yeah, I did the show.
02:39:02.000 I think George Lopez.
02:39:03.000 Didn't he?
02:39:04.000 Wasn't he the host of it?
02:39:05.000 Very Latino club, too, isn't it?
02:39:07.000 Not anymore.
02:39:08.000 No, we whitey'd up. 0.98
02:39:10.000 We whitey'd the shit out of it. 0.99
02:39:11.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:39:13.000 Still a lot of Latinos. 1.00
02:39:14.000 Yeah, that area's got a lot of Latinos.
02:39:16.000 San Jose is like that.
02:39:16.000 But we brought in a lot of white boys.
02:39:18.000 Yeah.
02:39:18.000 A lot of white kids.
02:39:19.000 Just the right amount of Asians. 1.00
02:39:21.000 They said that there's a totally different vibe to the club now since we've been doing a lot of shows there, which is great.
02:39:26.000 The waiters and the people that work there are always complimenting the audiences.
02:39:31.000 Yeah, awesome people.
02:39:32.000 Yeah, we bring in a nice group of people.
02:39:35.000 We're super lucky.
02:39:36.000 And don't think that we don't appreciate the fuck out of that, because I know people that are scared of their audiences, and they don't want to hang out with their audience.
02:39:41.000 They run from them. 0.95
02:39:42.000 Yeah.
02:39:42.000 You know, it's nice that, you know, after the shows, we're always there talking.
02:39:46.000 I mean, we've had many nights where we stay until, you know, 1.30 in the morning.
02:39:50.000 No, I remember the last one.
02:39:51.000 You stood out there, and it was really nice and orderly.
02:39:54.000 They sort of, like, people lined up, came in, took a picture, said hello.
02:39:57.000 Yeah.
02:39:58.000 Yeah, but a lot of it is cool conversations, too.
02:40:01.000 I told you, the Iraq guy who told me about going over there and flooding the economy with money. 1.00
02:40:07.000 He told me the whole really interesting thing, because he was just a young kid who just fucking fucked up and joined. 0.99
02:40:12.000 And there he is under this crazy... 0.99
02:40:15.000 Life changed.
02:40:15.000 But he was talking about how he was there, and he was talking to someone who is a sergeant, some guy had been there for a while, and saying, well, we're over here to fight for freedom and all that stuff.
02:40:26.000 And the guy goes, what the fuck are you talking about? 0.97
02:40:28.000 He goes, we're here to get oil. 0.99
02:40:30.000 And he was like, what?
02:40:31.000 Yeah, we're here for the oil.
02:40:33.000 We've got to control the oil.
02:40:34.000 That's why we're here.
02:40:35.000 They built a pipe from Kosovo.
02:40:37.000 They're already prepared for this.
02:40:39.000 And he was like, what?
02:40:41.000 And he remembers, you know, talking about like, he was talking about how he remembers that that was just like a shattering moment in his life. 0.97
02:40:47.000 He was like, holy shit, this isn't a movie. 0.98
02:40:50.000 Like, this is crazy. 1.00
02:40:53.000 He volunteered for some nutty-ass fucking war. 1.00
02:40:56.000 Well, every fucking war, man. 1.00
02:40:58.000 Every war that we've ever fought, there's been another reason. 0.99
02:41:01.000 Yeah, but that one, you know, especially the people that joined after 9-11, there's a lot of people that joined that really thought they were going to do a difference. 0.86
02:41:08.000 They really thought they were going to go straight fucking war hero style and reclaim America.
02:41:14.000 Yeah, but don't you think that's true of every war we've gotten into? 0.98
02:41:17.000 Pretty much, except Vietnam.
02:41:18.000 I think the reason why they had to draft people in Vietnam was because Vietnam was a super unpopular war that we probably never could get off today.
02:41:25.000 With the internet, you wouldn't be able to pull off that sort of Gulf of Tonkin incident.
02:41:30.000 They would have to actually have a real event.
02:41:32.000 But they've done that before, man.
02:41:34.000 Hitler did that. 0.96
02:41:36.000 Nero did that. 1.00
02:41:37.000 People have always done shit. 1.00
02:41:40.000 That happened 22 months before we declared war. 1.00
02:41:44.000 That was just an excuse we used because we were an emerging nation, we wanted to be one of the big boys, and there was this war going on, and we said, fuck, if Germany wins, we were making a ton of money supplying the Allied forces, and if they lost, we were never going to get, they owed us fucking billions in debt. 0.96
02:42:04.000 If they lost, we weren't getting that money. 0.96
02:42:06.000 We went in there to hedge our bets and make sure that it went the right way.
02:42:09.000 Yeah.
02:42:10.000 So we pretended the Lusitania was the reason we were going in.
02:42:13.000 A bunch of Americans were on a ferry ship.
02:42:15.000 They got tour.
02:42:16.000 Let's get in there.
02:42:17.000 And they played on the heartstrings. 0.99
02:42:19.000 Well, before drones and missiles and high-speed aircrafts and all the shit that we have today, you had to use strategy to win a war. 0.98
02:42:28.000 And... 0.96
02:42:30.000 Strategy, much like in chess, involves sacrifice.
02:42:34.000 And there's no way to win a war if you're not willing to sacrifice some of your troops. 0.98
02:42:38.000 Unless you understand that, you're going to be a shitty general and you're going to make even more people die. 0.97
02:42:43.000 So the realities of war dictate that you do something unbelievably horrific and make sure that a certain amount of your people die. 0.99
02:42:51.000 Apocalypse Now, the final word said by Marlon Brando.
02:42:55.000 He says, do you think we're going to win this war?
02:42:57.000 And he goes, we came in and we vaccinated a bunch of kids who'd been infected.
02:43:02.000 Their arms or their legs had been infected with gangrene or whatever, and we inoculated them.
02:43:07.000 And the tribal elders came back, and when they found out we'd done it, they macheted off the limbs of all the children.
02:43:13.000 And that's when Marlon Brando went...
02:43:17.000 He's like, that's how you win a war.
02:43:19.000 When you're willing to do that, you win the war. 0.85
02:43:21.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00
02:43:22.000 You've got to be willing to take shit to the very, very highest human level. 0.99
02:43:27.000 And that includes doing horrific things to your enemy. 0.99
02:43:30.000 I mean, if you ever read the accounts of what the American soldiers did to American Indians, to the Native Americans when they were trying to clear out land, they did some horrendous thing. 0.98
02:43:41.000 They would wear women's vaginas on their hats. 1.00
02:43:44.000 They would cut them out. 1.00
02:43:45.000 Yeah, these are American soldiers. 1.00
02:43:47.000 Yeah, there's a lot of accounts of that kind of shit. 0.99
02:43:49.000 What, is it like hair pieces? 1.00
02:43:50.000 Just put it on their hat, you know? 1.00
02:43:52.000 They have a fucking cowboy hat on, just stick a woman's pussy to their hat that they cut off of an Indian that they butchered. 1.00
02:43:58.000 I would wear like a fake mustache. 1.00
02:43:59.000 Or a Native American, I should say, that they butchered. 1.00
02:44:01.000 You'd wear a what?
02:44:01.000 Like a fake mustache or something.
02:44:02.000 Well, I got into this weird sort of Native American fascination thing for a while. 0.98
02:44:10.000 And I was reading a lot of shit about how just the different ways that the people that migrated here started just killing them. 0.91
02:44:19.000 And how these... 1.00
02:44:21.000 People had no idea what the fuck was coming. 0.98
02:44:24.000 I mean, it's really an incredible amount of people were wiped out over a short period of time. 0.96
02:44:28.000 And it doesn't get nearly the amount of attention and respect in our culture as it deserves.
02:44:35.000 It's genocide. 0.64
02:44:35.000 Yeah, slavery gets a lot more because it was just before. 0.64
02:44:39.000 We kind of stopped that sort of at the same time.
02:44:42.000 But it's really a horrific thing when you really stop and look at the actual numbers of people that died.
02:44:49.000 Well, people look at the Germans and they've still got, you know, the stigma of the Nazis.
02:44:55.000 We'll stay with the Germans forever. 1.00
02:44:56.000 But what you don't look at is, you know, what Great Britain did around the world, whether you're talking about Africa, Asia, India.
02:45:05.000 You know, the amount of people that died in the name of Manifest Destiny or Christianity, you know, the British are truly, per capita, have committed more atrocities than any race in history. 0.62
02:45:18.000 And yet, WASPs in this country, it doesn't get any better. 1.00
02:45:21.000 They are the most heralded.
02:45:22.000 There's no racist jokes about the British.
02:45:26.000 True, except their teeth.
02:45:27.000 That's it!
02:45:28.000 That's not bad!
02:45:29.000 Not bad at all. 0.99
02:45:30.000 Big vaginas, too. 1.00
02:45:32.000 They have big vaginas? 1.00
02:45:33.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:45:33.000 Because they have bigger heads, so their babies have bigger heads. 0.99
02:45:37.000 I didn't hear that part.
02:45:38.000 But yeah, what's really incredible is that we're...
02:45:44.000 The byproduct of all that craziness. 1.00
02:45:46.000 All the raping and pillaging and sword fighting and shit. 1.00
02:45:50.000 It's all come to Native Americans being killed and people trekking across and boom! 1.00
02:45:55.000 Here we are. 0.79
02:45:56.000 We're at the very end of the time.
02:45:58.000 We're at the west coast of California, the United States, the last spot that people settled in the free world.
02:46:03.000 Yeah.
02:46:03.000 This is the new world's final chapter.
02:46:05.000 I mean, if you really stop and think about it, there's no...
02:46:07.000 Unless Antarctica defrosts and we start moving cities up there...
02:46:11.000 What if that becomes like the new cool place?
02:46:12.000 Like the perfect weather in LA? Well, that's what happened to Greenland. 0.90
02:46:16.000 You know, all of a sudden Greenland became...
02:46:18.000 No, Iceland. 0.97
02:46:19.000 It became the place because it warmed the fuck up and there's hot chicks and everybody went. 1.00
02:46:24.000 It became like the fastest growing economy in the world for a while. 0.99
02:46:28.000 Yeah, we have to accept the fact that this whole planet spins in a weird way and it goes through cycles where shit gets really fucking cold. 0.99
02:46:37.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:46:37.000 And when that happens in your spot, you've got to move. 0.98
02:46:40.000 We can't be completely dedicated to one spot. 0.94
02:46:44.000 It's ridiculous.
02:46:45.000 Because you look at the history of the world, they find these megalodon teeth in Montana. 0.99
02:46:50.000 These giant shark teeth from this fucking 80-foot-long monster shark that used to live. 0.98
02:46:55.000 They find them in Montana. 0.99
02:46:57.000 That means Montana was the ocean.
02:46:58.000 You can't just say, I don't care about the ocean.
02:47:02.000 I'm staying here.
02:47:03.000 You can't.
02:47:04.000 It goes away.
02:47:05.000 It's going to get you. 1.00
02:47:06.000 If you're living in Malibu, you're living in a fucking dream. 0.99
02:47:10.000 Those people that live on the water, good luck. 1.00
02:47:13.000 Good luck.
02:47:14.000 Good call.
02:47:15.000 You're at the edge.
02:47:16.000 Are you that confident that the edge is going to stay there?
02:47:19.000 Do you put your finger right near a fan every day?
02:47:21.000 That's how I feel like just living in L.A., though.
02:47:23.000 Oh, yeah, you're right. 1.00
02:47:24.000 That's so stupid. 1.00
02:47:25.000 But I think that if the real thing happens like that, like something that the water comes this far in, we're already dead. 0.99
02:47:34.000 Well, you look at, like, I was down in Mexico at Easter, and we were in, you know, south of Cancun, that whole area.
02:47:41.000 Chicharitza?
02:47:42.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99
02:47:43.000 That shit was, you know, we go into cenotes and you go down 100 feet and they're showing you in the caves all of these fucking, you know, that the ocean, basically there was a tsunami that landed on that area and it took thousands of years for the water to drain through that land again. 0.99
02:48:00.000 And it was just, it was fucking underwater. 1.00
02:48:02.000 They're finding hundreds of cities in Europe, in the oceans. 0.99
02:48:07.000 They're finding the remnants on a constant basis.
02:48:11.000 It's happening, I said hundreds, but it's really been dozens.
02:48:14.000 But it really has been super frequent that they're finding more and more of these ancient civilizations that are underwater.
02:48:20.000 It's just going to happen.
02:48:21.000 It's just what it is. 0.99
02:48:22.000 The Earth doesn't give a fuck about you. 0.96
02:48:24.000 Remember there used to be the whole thing of like, there's the lost city of Atlanta. 0.98
02:48:27.000 It's like, no, there's about a thousand of them.
02:48:29.000 Yeah.
02:48:30.000 Places that went underwater.
02:48:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:48:31.000 There's so much underwater shit. 1.00
02:48:34.000 And by the way, how much shit is underwater? 1.00
02:48:37.000 I mean, what do you get, like 10,000 years before the ocean changes it where you can never recognize it again? 0.99
02:48:41.000 Yeah. 0.85
02:48:41.000 How long does it actually stay with all those waves and shit happening? 0.85
02:48:45.000 How long before that stuff is unrecognizable? 0.99
02:48:47.000 And salt water, which just erodes shit. 0.99
02:48:49.000 Yeah, sand and covered in sand and shit. 1.00
02:48:52.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:48:53.000 How fucking many ships are out there? 0.99
02:48:55.000 What a terrifying way to die that must have been. 0.99
02:48:57.000 Yeah. 0.71
02:48:57.000 You know, get in a boat, hit an iceberg, and then realize you are just fucking dazed by boat from anywhere out in the middle of the ocean. 0.71
02:49:07.000 Dude, I was boogie boarding yesterday, and I went too far out in big fucking waves. 0.98
02:49:12.000 Whoa. 0.99
02:49:12.000 So I get fucking slammed. 0.99
02:49:15.000 First, I'm going under these giant waves. 0.99
02:49:17.000 I mean, these are like seven-foot waves.
02:49:18.000 And I start going under them, and then... 0.99
02:49:21.000 Which you normally can do, but then it was fucking sucking me and I'd spin. 0.98
02:49:26.000 So I do it like three or four times and I'm trying to go out past the waves so that I can get my air because I ain't getting in. 0.99
02:49:33.000 I look up and I'm fucking like 50 yards out.
02:49:36.000 And I just start, so then I finally catch one, I take it a little bit and then I go under, flipped around and now I can touch the sand. 0.90
02:49:44.000 But the waves are still fucking giant and so they're landing on me and I can't get under the wave. 0.56
02:49:48.000 So it's fucking hitting me into the sand and spinning me and I can't get out. 0.95
02:49:52.000 So long story short, I finally fucking just scramble and there's a lifeguard waist deep coming at me. 0.97
02:49:59.000 And he's like, dude, are you alright? 0.99
02:50:00.000 He's like, you got fucking pounded. 0.99
02:50:02.000 And the thing is, my wife, there's a whole bunch of people watching me. 1.00
02:50:05.000 My family, all my friends and shit. 0.97
02:50:07.000 And they're like, were you scared? 0.98
02:50:08.000 And I was like, I didn't have time.
02:50:11.000 It never occurred to me.
02:50:12.000 Because I'm sure it's like when you fight. 1.00
02:50:14.000 If you stop and are scared for a second, you just lost your fucking ability to problem solve. 1.00
02:50:20.000 I hate that story. 1.00
02:50:21.000 And then my back is on fire today and I realize how fucked up I got. 0.99
02:50:24.000 Well, the only way to stop that feeling is to get over it. 0.99
02:50:26.000 No, I mean, that feeling of being in water and just getting tossed, it just sucks.
02:50:32.000 If you haven't had an experience like that where you have to really operate under extreme pressure, it can be really debilitating.
02:50:39.000 Some people just immediately give up.
02:50:40.000 It's really scary.
02:50:41.000 Whereas some people find surprising resolve.
02:50:44.000 It's a weird thing about human beings, how much your mind is capable of doing. 1.00
02:50:49.000 Five minutes, bitches. 1.00
02:50:50.000 And people are one way or the other. 0.99
02:50:52.000 Yeah, let's just wrap this up because we're running out of time.
02:50:56.000 At three hours, Ustream turns into a pumpkin.
02:50:58.000 Was it three hours? 1.00
02:50:59.000 You fucking, we did it again? 0.99
02:51:01.000 Yeah, we do it every time, Fitzsimmons. 1.00
02:51:02.000 I love it!
02:51:03.000 It's been a lot of fun, buddy.
02:51:04.000 Yeah, thanks, man.
02:51:05.000 I mean, as far as people that I know, you're up there, one of the longest people I'm still in contact with in my life.
02:51:13.000 Feels good.
02:51:14.000 Yeah, it's great, buddy.
02:51:15.000 We're going to have some fun, play some pool.
02:51:16.000 Definitely.
02:51:17.000 Powerful. 0.98
02:51:18.000 Can I plug the fuck out of my one-hour special? 0.97
02:51:20.000 When is it? 0.96
02:51:21.000 Tarrytown, New York, September 14th at the Music Hall.
02:51:25.000 Let's do this.
02:51:26.000 As a promo code, till the 9th.
02:51:29.000 Go to Fitzdog.com.
02:51:31.000 Get tickets.
02:51:31.000 Put in Fitzdog in the promo code when you get your tickets.
02:51:34.000 $10 tickets.
02:51:35.000 Tell your friends.
02:51:36.000 Tell your family.
02:51:37.000 I've got to jam this place.
02:51:38.000 Two shows on a Friday night.
02:51:39.000 I'll be doing the best material I've been doing for three years. 0.98
02:51:43.000 Fucking nailed it down. 0.96
02:51:44.000 I'm ready. 0.99
02:51:45.000 I want you there to share it with me.
02:51:46.000 You look very confident, my friend.
02:51:48.000 You look ready to rock and roll.
02:51:49.000 I feel ready.
02:51:50.000 Greg Fitzsimmons is a very funny stand-up.
02:51:51.000 He's been doing it, like I said, 20, what are we at?
02:51:53.000 23 years now, dude?
02:51:54.000 Sounds about right.
02:51:55.000 Something like that?
02:51:55.000 Yeah.
02:51:56.000 Crazy.
02:51:56.000 Yeah.
02:51:57.000 Old school skills, son.
02:51:58.000 So go check that out.
02:51:59.000 Where's your website again?
02:52:01.000 Fitsdog.com, F-I-T-Z, and Fitsdog Radio is the podcast.
02:52:05.000 And go to Desquad, get TV, and get yourself a juicy, delicious T-shirt.
02:52:10.000 Isn't it Desquad.tv?
02:52:11.000 I thought you said go to Desquad and get a TV, and I'm like, what? 1.00
02:52:13.000 Do you fuck up the commercials that I make for you, you silly bitch? 1.00
02:52:18.000 Go to deathsquad.tv if people ask where to get the Brian Red Band versions of the Death Squad t-shirts. 1.00
02:52:25.000 They're all there.
02:52:26.000 The one that I like.
02:52:28.000 I like the cat in the new one, but I like the...
02:52:30.000 Thanks for knocking my ship shirt.
02:52:33.000 I'm not knocking it.
02:52:34.000 I like your shirt, but I don't like everything except this one part of it.
02:52:37.000 I'm just telling you what I like.
02:52:38.000 You want me to lie?
02:52:39.000 I'm telling you what I like.
02:52:41.000 You tell me what you like.
02:52:43.000 I love the new shirt.
02:52:44.000 I've heard nothing but positive things about it from everybody.
02:52:47.000 Me?
02:52:48.000 I love this free Pussy Riot shirt that I got right here.
02:52:51.000 But the cool thing about the shirt is that all the proceeds go to deskquad.tv so I can pay for everything and...
02:52:59.000 That's what the shirt is about, deskwad.tv.
02:53:02.000 Well, you mean all the money goes to you, is what you're trying to say.
02:53:04.000 Yeah, I guess it pays for everything in this thing.
02:53:08.000 Pays for everything in this thing?
02:53:09.000 I pay...
02:53:10.000 Never mind.
02:53:11.000 I don't want to go do it.
02:53:12.000 So yeah, the t-shirt goes right to all the podcasts that I provide at deskwad.tv and all the shows.
02:53:17.000 You heard that, ladies and gentlemen.
02:53:19.000 Thanks to Onnit.com.
02:53:20.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech, and the new Hemp Force with maca and raw cocoa.
02:53:28.000 Go get some of that.
02:53:30.000 And we will see you guys tomorrow with the great Ari Shafir.
02:53:34.000 And we will see you guys Thursday with the great Rick Ross.
02:53:38.000 The real Rick Ross.
02:53:39.000 Not that rapper dude, but the actual guy.
02:53:41.000 Should be cool.
02:53:42.000 Thank you guys.