The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #258 - Bryan Callen

00:00:03.000 E-stream producer is not the best product. 1.00

00:00:07.000 But it's free as shit. 0.98

00:00:08.000 And it's just as good as, like, tricorders. 1.00

00:00:11.000 Like, those tricasters, those things are expensive as shit. 0.98

00:00:14.000 Everything on the internet now. 0.99

00:00:15.000 I bought a Garmin, you know, the navigation.

00:00:18.000 You can download Wave for free and it's just as good. 0.98

00:00:21.000 Yeah, you can get a lot of free shit now that's just as good. 1.00

00:00:24.000 Like this podcast, bitches! 1.00

00:00:26.000 We ain't charging... 0.98

00:00:28.000 The Joe Rogan Experience, however, is sponsored by some awesome companies.

00:00:32.000 But I'll tell you what we're not sponsored by.

00:00:35.000 Grillo's Pickles. 1.00

00:00:36.000 Pass that shit over here. 1.00

00:00:38.000 I've had two already. 1.00

00:00:39.000 People say to me, keep talking about...

00:00:42.000 Why is this...

00:00:43.000 Okay, we've got a problem here.

00:00:45.000 I'm not seeing anything.

00:00:47.000 Let me refresh this and see if...

00:00:49.000 It shows we're broadcasting, but I'm not seeing it.

00:00:55.000 Oh, there's the image.

00:00:56.000 Okay.

00:00:57.000 Grillo's Pickles is not a sponsor.

00:00:58.000 They're just nice guys.

00:01:00.000 We met them when I was doing Zookeeper with Kevin James.

00:01:05.000 We were in the commons and they had this cart where they were selling pickles. 0.99

00:01:08.000 I'm like, who the fuck is selling pickles? 0.99

00:01:10.000 What a weird thing to sell. 0.99

00:01:11.000 And I thought they were going to be like those 7-Eleven pickles.

00:01:14.000 You know, you get them in a bag of pickle juice and they're mildly good. 0.99

00:01:17.000 These things are fucking ridiculously good. 0.98

00:01:21.000 They're fresh. 0.99

00:01:22.000 They're hot.

00:01:23.000 They got garlicky.

00:01:24.000 They have garlic in them.

00:01:26.000 Can you see this online, folks? 0.99

00:01:29.000 There's like fucking swamp grass in here. 1.00

00:01:32.000 These motherfuckers are doing voodoo with these pickles. 1.00

00:01:35.000 There's these big ass slices of garlic. 1.00

00:01:38.000 And there's big ass slices of habaneros and jalapenos in there. 0.97

00:01:43.000 And then there's fresh pickles. 1.00

00:01:44.000 And these motherfuckers are ridiculous. 1.00

00:01:46.000 No one's paying me for this. 1.00

00:01:47.000 This is 100% free.

00:01:49.000 This is such a bonanza for them.

00:01:50.000 It must be great. 0.99

00:01:51.000 They're so fucking good. 0.98

00:01:53.000 I ate a whole container of these. 0.99

00:01:55.000 I panic when I get low.

00:01:57.000 They send them to you from Boston?

00:01:58.000 Yeah, they send them to me from Boston.

00:01:59.000 They ship them to me.

00:02:00.000 I panic when I get low. 0.99

00:02:02.000 I fucking panic. 1.00

00:02:03.000 They're the best fucking snack ever. 1.00

00:02:05.000 And guilt-free. 1.00

00:02:07.000 100% kill free.

00:02:08.000 You're eating cucumbers.

00:02:09.000 I see it in front of the TV. I snack the fuck out on these things and I don't feel bad. 0.95

00:02:15.000 I'll down a whole bag of popcorn, kettle corn, or I'll fuck up a whole bag of cheesy popcorn, popcorn with cheese on it, or potato chips with vinegar and salt. 0.99

00:02:28.000 I'll fuck up a whole bag and then I'll feel like a loser. 0.99

00:02:31.000 And I'll wait an hour and a half and I'll lift weights. 1.00

00:02:34.000 I will. 1.00

00:02:35.000 I'm like, I can't be a pussy. 1.00

00:02:35.000 I can't just go to bed on that like a fat slob because that's step one to death. 1.00

00:02:39.000 Exactly.

00:02:40.000 So I'll make sure I do deadlifts in an hour and a half when the potato chips have dropped down.

00:02:44.000 That's good for you.

00:02:45.000 But I eat these, I don't feel guilty. 1.00

00:02:47.000 If you're in Boston, first of all, you're fucked because it gets too cold there in the winter and that shit's ridiculous. 1.00

00:02:53.000 And the women are too content. 1.00

00:02:54.000 I went to high school up there, man.

00:02:56.000 It's not the place.

00:02:57.000 It's not the place.

00:02:58.000 It's a beautiful place.

00:02:59.000 I loved it, but you know what?

00:03:00.000 It made me me.

00:03:01.000 I remember wrestling and sucking weight in that winter.

00:03:03.000 Yeah.

00:03:03.000 Oh, it was good times.

00:03:04.000 I did that as well.

00:03:05.000 Walking around like a rail in that, you know, zero.

00:03:08.000 Yeah.

00:03:10.000 Excuse me.

00:03:11.000 I'm in the middle of a podcast.

00:03:14.000 That's my kids.

00:03:15.000 Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I have to get a studio.

00:03:17.000 This is why. 0.93

00:03:18.000 My kids are crazy. 0.96

00:03:19.000 The sound of children in the background is fantastic.

00:03:21.000 There's always like a new emergency.

00:03:23.000 That's not really an emergency.

00:03:24.000 My dolly's eye fell off. 1.00

00:03:27.000 We're going to have to glue it back on.

00:03:28.000 Is it going to be okay?

00:03:30.000 I'm pretty sure we can glue it.

00:03:31.000 It becomes a huge issue.

00:03:32.000 I have fake tea every morning now.

00:03:35.000 Oh, I do too.

00:03:35.000 I have tea parties.

00:03:37.000 I did tea parties yesterday with both of them.

00:03:39.000 Yeah, but my daughter's going to milk the cow. 1.00

00:03:41.000 You have to actually drink it, too.

00:03:42.000 You have to actually drink the fake tea.

00:03:43.000 Oh, I have to blow on it first.

00:03:44.000 I'm like, I've got to go.

00:03:45.000 She's like, where do you have to blow on it?

00:03:46.000 I'm like, come on.

00:03:48.000 Yeah, but it's important to play with them, man.

00:03:50.000 I enjoy... 0.99

00:03:51.000 Well, let's get through the fucking podcast first. 0.99

00:03:53.000 This is not a commercial, but this is a commercial. 0.99

00:03:56.000 The Grillo's Pickles things. 0.80

00:03:57.000 This is 100% for free, just because I love them and their pickles are fucking fantastic and they're nice people.

00:04:02.000 Anyway, the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is actually sponsored...

00:04:06.000 Where's that phone?

00:04:06.000 Give me that phone, man.

00:04:07.000 Oh, the Samsung Galaxy 3?

00:04:10.000 Yeah, I got a Galaxy 3 from Ting.

00:04:13.000 This is going to be one of our new sponsors.

00:04:16.000 Ting runs on the Sprint Network, so they have excellent service and there's no contracts and...

00:04:24.000 And they have some dope phones, including this Samsung Galaxy 3. Wait, so what is Ting?

00:04:29.000 Ting is actually...

00:04:29.000 Ting is a new mobile company.

00:04:31.000 It's like, there's alternative...

00:04:33.000 They rent space on Sprint.

00:04:35.000 I don't want to speak out of school because I haven't read their literature, but essentially what it is is they run on the Sprint network, they rent the Sprint network, but...

00:04:44.000 They take a different risk than Sprint does.

00:04:46.000 They rent the service and they say, listen, we'll charge you by what you use.

00:04:51.000 You can quit when you want.

00:04:53.000 And you have no contract.

00:04:55.000 So it's a way better deal for someone who doesn't...

00:04:58.000 You might try this and go, you know what? 1.00

00:05:00.000 Fuck droids. 1.00

00:05:01.000 I need an iPhone. 1.00

00:05:02.000 I've got to get to AT&T. I've got to quit.

00:05:03.000 So if you quit, you don't have to worry about losing a ton of money or having to pay some contract breaking fee.

00:05:11.000 And...

00:05:12.000 If you use less on one month, you actually get credit for it on the next month.

00:05:18.000 That's great.

00:05:19.000 Yeah, it's a really good company.

00:05:21.000 It's a good deal.

00:05:21.000 And you know, because they're on Sprint, it'll be good service.

00:05:24.000 But they're not an official sponsor yet, so this is another non-commercial commercial.

00:05:28.000 But I finally got a hold of one of these Samsung Galaxy 3s.

00:05:31.000 I hear that they are as good as it gets.

00:05:34.000 Yeah, it's supposed to be like a giant iPhone.

00:05:37.000 Yeah.

00:05:37.000 I need to find out, you know, what the operating system is like.

00:05:39.000 I need to... 1.00

00:05:40.000 Red Van hates these fucking things. 1.00

00:05:42.000 Does he? 1.00

00:05:42.000 Yeah, he doesn't like droids. 1.00

00:05:43.000 He doesn't believe in them.

00:05:44.000 But to me, it's just technology.

00:05:45.000 It's funny how computer people that are really into that, they fall into different camps.

00:05:49.000 Yeah.

00:05:49.000 Apples, the only way...

00:05:51.000 Yeah, they get crazy. 1.00

00:05:52.000 Yeah, you want to get an Apple, get a piece of shit. 1.00

00:05:54.000 I stick with Dell. 1.00

00:05:55.000 Yeah.

00:05:55.000 I'm not in your war, dude.

00:05:56.000 I have no dog in that fight.

00:05:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:05:58.000 Oh, match over fags. 0.99

00:06:00.000 Match over fags. 1.00

00:06:02.000 This is stupid. 1.00

00:06:05.000 Okay, I'm into guys. 1.00

00:06:07.000 You fucking dummy dum-dum. 1.00

00:06:09.000 We are actually legitimately sponsored only by Onnit. 1.00

00:06:14.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. And Onnit is a company that provides me with AlphaBrain and...

00:06:22.000 I'm a part owner in the company, so when you support Ana, you actually support this podcast and support me.

00:06:28.000 Why did I become a part owner?

00:06:29.000 Because I 100% believe in what they're doing.

00:06:32.000 The ethics are absolutely perfect. 0.98

00:06:34.000 What they're trying to do is sell you the best shit possible for the lowest price point and make it as clean as possible so that no one feels ripped off. 0.93

00:06:43.000 When you buy 30 pills, there is a 100% money back guarantee. 0.98

00:06:46.000 You don't even have to return the product.

00:06:48.000 You just go, this isn't for me.

00:06:50.000 I've read things online by intelligent people that are claiming that it's a placebo.

00:06:53.000 I don't know how everybody's body works.

00:06:56.000 Everybody's different.

00:06:57.000 Everybody's body has a different reaction to Caffeine and alcohol and cigarettes and vitamins and I don't know yeah weed for sure I don't know how your body reacts to things but what I do know is that all of the nutrients inside of alpha brain have been proven to have a positive effect on human cognitive function and there are studies behind that and we're actually putting together our own study it's about to go live we've established a protocol and And it will be a double-blind placebo

00:07:27.000 study at a legitimate university to show everyone that there is a noticeable, measurable benefit in taking nutrients.

00:07:37.000 I 100% believe this.

00:07:38.000 I've been a big fan of vitamins for a long time.

00:07:40.000 I'm very sensitive to my body. 0.83

00:07:42.000 Yeah, especially my nipples. 0.99

00:07:44.000 Touch yourself. 0.99

00:07:45.000 I'm very sensitive to my body.

00:07:46.000 I know when I smell.

00:07:48.000 I know when I feel good.

00:07:49.000 I know the difference when I take fish oil and I don't take fish oil.

00:07:53.000 I always talk about this.

00:07:53.000 For jujitsu, if you take jujitsu, there's two things that are a must.

00:07:57.000 Acidophilus and fish oil.

00:07:58.000 Acidophilus, healthy bacteria, very important.

00:08:01.000 Keeps staph away?

00:08:01.000 So important.

00:08:02.000 Ringworm, everything.

00:08:03.000 And colds as well.

00:08:05.000 Because when you come in contact with colds, a lot of it is through your hands touching things.

00:08:10.000 But what acidophilus is, is this yeast and milk culture is a very aggressive culture.

00:08:16.000 And it's mutually compatible with your body.

00:08:19.000 So you can take it and you're fine.

00:08:20.000 And it's all over your skin. 0.90

00:08:22.000 When it comes in contact with some bugs, it just gangs up on it and beats the fuck out of the disease.

00:08:28.000 It's like having an army.

00:08:29.000 It's like having a healthy army.

00:08:31.000 That kombucha that you grab from my fridge.

00:08:33.000 You never find my fridge unless it's got kombucha in it.

00:08:36.000 It's never not stocked with...

00:08:37.000 It's got a mushroom bacteria in it. 0.89

00:08:39.000 It's got healthy things that you take in your body.

00:08:43.000 Well, we have to realize that our bodies are not just your body.

00:08:47.000 It's not just, you know, hey, I'm Brian Callan, and this is my blood and my water.

00:08:51.000 Yeah, there's a lot of stuff in there.

00:08:53.000 And the other thing that they are finding is that essentially your body is almost like an ecosystem in its own.

00:08:59.000 It's made up mostly of organisms.

00:09:01.000 Yes, yes.

00:09:03.000 It's mostly of microbes and good bacteria and bad bacteria.

00:09:05.000 And when you keep the balance of bad bacteria in relation to the good versus the bad, that's how you maintain good health.

00:09:13.000 Absolutely.

00:09:13.000 And a lot of scientists now are working on cultivating the bacteria in your body so that you have only good bacteria or you manage it accordingly.

00:09:21.000 And that's the future in some circles of how you're going to be even healthier in the future.

00:09:26.000 What we're trying to provide on it is all things that have a positive effect on the human body.

00:09:33.000 All of our supplements, like AlphaBrain, ShroomTech is another one.

00:09:36.000 ShroomTech is based on the cordyceps mushroom, which has been shown to have a positive effect on your ability to assimilate oxygen.

00:09:44.000 And this was actually discovered by high-altitude herders.

00:09:47.000 They found that their animals were eating these mushrooms and they were having more energy.

00:09:54.000 They were moving around more.

00:09:55.000 And there was a noticeable difference so they started eating them. 0.99

00:09:58.000 And the way they grow them is fucking crazy. 0.98

00:10:01.000 It's a fungus. 0.98

00:10:01.000 They actually have to grow it on caterpillars. 0.98

00:10:04.000 What?

00:10:04.000 It's insane.

00:10:05.000 It's insane.

00:10:07.000 It's weird. 0.95

00:10:08.000 And it's really hard to cultivate, and it's really fucking expensive.

00:10:11.000 But if you use a code name ROGEN, you get 10% off any and all the supplements. 0.99

00:10:15.000 Everything we sell you is the best shit you can buy. 0.97

00:10:19.000 Everything. 1.00

00:10:20.000 It might not be the cheapest, but it's the cheapest we can sell it, and it's the best shit possible. 0.98

00:10:24.000 Like hemp force protein. 0.98

00:10:26.000 Hemp protein is the easiest protein for your body to digest.

00:10:29.000 It's much easier than whey protein.

00:10:31.000 I like whey. 1.00

00:10:32.000 I love muscle milk and stuff like that, but it fucking lights my asshole up like a cannon. 1.00

00:10:37.000 Yeah, it's hard to digest sometimes. 1.00

00:10:39.000 Yeah, whey is not nearly as easy as hemp.

00:10:43.000 There's some good hemp.

00:10:45.000 There's Manitoba Harvest.

00:10:46.000 I've used that stuff before.

00:10:47.000 It's like a chocolate hemp. 0.99

00:10:49.000 But it cannot fuck with hemp force. 0.99

00:10:51.000 Hemp force tastes so much better. 0.99

00:10:53.000 And one of the reasons is because we use the best quality hemp hearts.

00:10:57.000 We use hemp hearts, the best quality you can get.

00:10:59.000 It's so hard to get that you can only buy 50 pounds of it a day.

00:11:03.000 So we have to put a new order in every day.

00:11:06.000 Because these hemp hearts, we can't grow them in America because of this cunting government. 1.00

00:11:11.000 And even though Vermont and two other states have passed laws allowing them to grow the non-psychoactive plants.

00:11:18.000 Federal government won't allow them.

00:11:18.000 The federal government said they would come in and arrest people and in no unequivocal terms...

00:11:23.000 Well, no.

00:11:25.000 Clearly they said.

00:11:26.000 Clearly they said they would put people in jail. 1.00

00:11:28.000 It's fucking horrible. 0.99

00:11:29.000 It's horrible to think about that you would arrest someone for growing a plant. 1.00

00:11:32.000 There's a lot of money involved in enforcing marijuana laws. 0.79

00:11:34.000 Well, the marijuana laws have nothing to do with hemp, which is really crazy because you literally can't get high off hemp.

00:11:39.000 That's another thing that people keep asking me.

00:11:41.000 If you eat this hemp force, am I going to test positive for THC at work? 0.99

00:11:44.000 No.

00:11:45.000 No, you absolutely will not.

00:11:46.000 However, if you eat a poppy seed bagel, you'll test positive for heroin.

00:11:50.000 Something a lot of people don't know.

00:11:52.000 That's why they tell Olympic athletes and stuff.

00:11:55.000 Yeah, well, that's happened to people that have had heroin tests at work.

00:11:59.000 That's happened to people who eat a lot of poppy seed bagels.

00:12:01.000 You test positive for the same metabolite.

00:12:03.000 That's crazy.

00:12:04.000 So you don't have to worry about that with Hemp Force, which is so crazy. 1.00

00:12:07.000 We have to buy this shit in another country. 0.96

00:12:09.000 We would, Onnit would be willing to grow it in America, hire American farmers to grow it, and give people jobs and help the American economy. 1.00

00:12:19.000 But no, this cunting government with its horrible corruption, And deep-rooted ties to pharmaceutical companies literally won't even let anything close to marijuana in.

00:12:29.000 And if you want to read how closely tied they are to the pharmaceutical companies, pick up a book called The China Study by T. Colin Campbell, PhD, who was on the inside of all this stuff and was on the National Board of Sciences.

00:12:43.000 And he's a nutritional scientist out of Cornell University.

00:12:46.000 It is a fascinating book and expose on how industry has hijacked how you eat, why the school lunch program, 28 million counting children, eat what the dairy industry, the meat industry, and the sugar lobby wants them to eat because it's big business, and why children are suffering from diabetes and a host of other chronic illnesses.

00:13:07.000 Don't take my word for it.

00:13:08.000 Look at a credible scientist and real data to support what I'm saying.

00:13:13.000 It is fascinating.

00:13:14.000 This is a guy on the inside who knows all the scientists and the academics who can take money from the same corporation they're doing research for. 0.94

00:13:23.000 The point is, we're on a fucking pirate ship, so that's why Hemp Force is expensive. 0.92

00:13:27.000 It's really the only reason. 0.97

00:13:28.000 It's a high-quality food that we should be able to grow in this country.

00:13:32.000 We just started selling exercise equipment.

00:13:34.000 Oh, Hemp Force also has maca in it and raw cocoa.

00:13:38.000 Raw cocoa is a very powerful antioxidant.

00:13:40.000 Just had some today.

00:13:41.000 And maca stimulates testosterone growth, son.

00:13:45.000 Get that libido on, kid!

00:13:47.000 I love it.

00:13:48.000 Even if testosterone is a bad substance.

00:13:50.000 Yeah, it's going to be banned eventually. 1.00

00:13:51.000 They're going to want a world filled with pussy. 1.00

00:13:53.000 Do you really want horny men running through your neighborhood? 1.00

00:13:56.000 It'll never work, though.

00:13:58.000 Dude, we're going to have to be...

00:13:59.000 We're going to talk about this as soon as this commercial is over.

00:14:01.000 Kettlebells.

00:14:02.000 That's what I'm all about, ladies and gentlemen.

00:14:04.000 And we sell a host of kettlebells in packages at Onnit.com. 0.92

00:14:07.000 And again, these bitches aren't cheap, but they're the best quality you can get, as cheap as we can sell them. 1.00

00:14:13.000 They are essentially cannonballs with handles on them. 0.99

00:14:15.000 They're fucking fantastic. 0.99

00:14:17.000 They're Troy kettlebells. 0.99

00:14:19.000 They're the best we could buy.

00:14:21.000 They have the perfect dimensions. 0.98

00:14:23.000 They're fucking so durable. 0.93

00:14:25.000 You buy them once, you have exercise equipment for life. 0.98

00:14:28.000 They literally are a lifelong tool.

00:14:31.000 They will never break. 0.99

00:14:32.000 They're a fucking iron cannonball with a handle on it. 1.00

00:14:36.000 Where's a good place to get kettlebell exercises? 1.00

00:14:39.000 Online.

00:14:40.000 YouTube is the best.

00:14:41.000 It's free.

00:14:42.000 YouTube is free.

00:14:43.000 We're making a kettlebell DVD that you can work out along with me with Steve Maxwell.

00:14:48.000 Steve Maxwell, who is a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, as well as a world-renowned kettlebell instructor and fitness instructor.

00:14:57.000 Just a brilliant guy.

00:14:58.000 I love having conversations with him about fitness because I always learn something new.

00:15:02.000 I've been working with him for years.

00:15:03.000 We make little videos on my cell phone.

00:15:06.000 He'll show me the exercise and we'll do a video.

00:15:08.000 He...

00:15:09.000 He's got a bunch of exercises that he's programmed for me.

00:15:13.000 One of them was just a full bodyweight exercise routine where I did nothing but bodyweight.

00:15:16.000 Something I could do in a hotel with a towel over a door.

00:15:20.000 He's really into that.

00:15:21.000 I love that, man.

00:15:22.000 So you can do a full workout.

00:15:24.000 And it's a brutal bodyweight workout. 1.00

00:15:26.000 It's fucking one-legged squats and shit like that. 1.00

00:15:29.000 One-arm push-ups. 1.00

00:15:30.000 You can get in crazy shape.

00:15:31.000 Oh, Hindu push-ups, Hindu squats. 0.94

00:15:33.000 And it's a ruthless, ruthless workout that you can do in a little room.

00:15:36.000 Yep.

00:15:36.000 Push a chair to the side and you've got a gym in your hotel room.

00:15:40.000 It takes 15 minutes to kill yourself, actually.

00:15:41.000 So we're going to make DVDs and have them also for sale at Onnit. 0.98

00:15:46.000 So Steve Maxwell's in, which I'm very excited about because I wanted to make sure that if I'm doing a video, I don't want to fuck anybody's backup. 0.99

00:15:53.000 I want to fucking do everything wrong, my monkey ass, and then have you do it. 1.00

00:15:59.000 So we'll have that soon. 1.00

00:16:01.000 And I'm going to record the Joe Rogan soundtrack in the background.

00:16:07.000 It's a Joe Rogan.

00:16:10.000 Joe Rogan.

00:16:11.000 What's the soundtrack?

00:16:12.000 Well, this is the podcast about to start now.

00:16:14.000 Use the code name ROGAN. Get 10% off any and all supplements at Onnit.com, including the hemp force and the kettlebells and the battle ropes, however.

00:16:22.000 We're selling those bitches as cheap as we can. 1.00

00:16:24.000 Battle ropes are the cheapest you can find on the internet. 0.99

00:16:26.000 And battle ropes are another awesome caveman-style manly motherfucking workout. 0.92

00:16:32.000 Go to Onnit.com. 0.97

00:16:33.000 O-N-N-I-T. Hit it. 1.00

00:16:35.000 I was just going to say, when you sing a Joe Rogan song, you've got to get down deep like this.

00:16:41.000 I don't have the whole song, but I've got certain verses.

00:16:44.000 Joe Rogan, he is your friend.

00:16:48.000 Joe Rogan, he is the man. 0.96

00:16:50.000 Joe Rogan, he's got the best damn podcast in the land. 0.92

00:16:54.000 He's got a thick short neck and a wide face and very expressive eyes. 0.98

00:17:00.000 Very expressive eyes.

00:17:02.000 He's got a... 0.99

00:17:04.000 Long arms and short legs and a high-tied ass and a barrel of snakes for a back. 1.00

00:17:11.000 A barrel of snakes for a back. 0.99

00:17:13.000 Not to mention the fact that his lower extremities would be more at home on a mule than a human being.

00:17:23.000 He's Joe Rogan.

00:17:24.000 He's your friend.

00:17:26.000 Joe Rogan.

00:17:27.000 He is the man.

00:17:28.000 He's Joe Rogan. 0.98

00:17:30.000 He's got the best damn podcast in the land. 0.78

00:17:34.000 Thank you very much, everybody. 0.73

00:17:35.000 I didn't know if I should help you end it.

00:17:37.000 Dude, that's all I have.

00:17:39.000 That's all I have, man.

00:17:40.000 It's emotional.

00:17:41.000 I can't, you guys.

00:17:43.000 Maybe I'll add some more verses, but that's all I've got for now.

00:17:46.000 How was Schomburg in Illinois? 1.00

00:17:47.000 I started singing that stupid song in the shower. 1.00

00:17:50.000 You sing that song? 1.00

00:17:50.000 I was like, yeah. 1.00

00:17:51.000 I don't know why.

00:17:52.000 I woke up in the morning and I was like, I'm bored.

00:17:54.000 And I was like, Joe Rogan, he is my friend.

00:17:57.000 His name is Joe Rogan.

00:17:59.000 And I started breaking down your body.

00:18:01.000 You might have like the worst sense of beat and rhythm ever.

00:18:04.000 Oh, dude, I'm the terrible singer.

00:18:05.000 What are you talking about?

00:18:07.000 I'm the worst.

00:18:09.000 Somebody please put that to music so I can just revel and play it on a loop in my car.

00:18:15.000 I would be a terrible musician, dude.

00:18:16.000 Why were you thinking about my body when you were by yourself?

00:18:18.000 That's crazy.

00:18:19.000 I was soaking myself down.

00:18:20.000 Yeah, and I was touching myself.

00:18:21.000 I don't know.

00:18:22.000 Makes me feel weird, man.

00:18:23.000 I was just feeling, I was feeling, I wanted to be as thick and wide as you.

00:18:25.000 No, I'm really happy about it.

00:18:27.000 As thick and wide.

00:18:28.000 I can't go north to south, so I go east to west.

00:18:31.000 Yeah, you're thick.

00:18:33.000 I'm meant to be carrying bricks up hills.

00:18:36.000 Yeah, there's the thing about it.

00:18:37.000 Even back in the day, you were always working out, and you had big hands.

00:18:41.000 Big hands.

00:18:42.000 Your arms are long.

00:18:44.000 Legs are short.

00:18:44.000 Arms are long.

00:18:46.000 Well, my legs aren't short.

00:18:47.000 My upper body's short.

00:18:48.000 Oh, that's okay.

00:18:49.000 Yeah, my legs are actually pretty long.

00:18:49.000 Yeah, actually, it's true.

00:18:50.000 Your legs are actually, yeah.

00:18:51.000 My body's very weird.

00:18:53.000 You're actually, your body, it's designed like...

00:18:55.000 Carry rocks up hills.

00:18:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:57.000 Sicilian stonemasons.

00:18:58.000 Yeah, but I'm half Sicilian.

00:18:59.000 What happened to me?

00:19:00.000 I'm built for dance.

00:19:01.000 You're built for rocks, and I'm built for dance. 1.00

00:19:04.000 Fucking annoys me. 1.00

00:19:05.000 I'm built to gesture and emote. 0.99

00:19:07.000 Well, that's one of the things I think I like about kettlebells.

00:19:10.000 I feel like I'm working hard. 0.99

00:19:15.000 Put in a fucking hard kettlebell workout, man. 0.99

00:19:17.000 It's like you're, you know, you're really going to war. 1.00

00:19:20.000 You're really fighting something.

00:19:21.000 It's not just like doing a bench.

00:19:22.000 I've never done a really hard kettlebell workout.

00:19:24.000 What?

00:19:25.000 Maybe you'll take me through one.

00:19:25.000 How dare you?

00:19:26.000 You're in my house.

00:19:28.000 Before I feed you the grass-fed steaks that I got.

00:19:30.000 We've got some grass-fed steaks.

00:19:31.000 I'm too high right now, but we'll do it afterwards.

00:19:33.000 A little too high to work out?

00:19:35.000 It's the best time to work out.

00:19:36.000 Is it? 1.00

00:19:36.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:19:37.000 I don't smoke enough weed. 1.00

00:19:38.000 You don't smoke enough weed.

00:19:39.000 That's the problem.

00:19:40.000 You've got to get comfortable with the waves. 1.00

00:19:42.000 It's like if you don't know how to surf and you get on a board and the wave hits you, you're going to fall on your ass. 0.99

00:19:47.000 Why? 0.99

00:19:47.000 And you're like, I can't handle the wave. 0.99

00:19:48.000 No, no, no.

00:19:49.000 You just don't know how to handle the wave yet.

00:19:51.000 You gotta learn how to ride the weed waves.

00:19:53.000 That's the whole life.

00:19:54.000 When someone's high all the time, they can just handle being high.

00:19:57.000 They can handle being high talking to a cop.

00:19:59.000 They can handle being high buying tickets at the movie theater.

00:20:02.000 It's not that big a deal.

00:20:04.000 They're used to the boat.

00:20:04.000 They're used to the waves, man.

00:20:06.000 They're used to that experience.

00:20:08.000 I like that.

00:20:09.000 You lift weights when you're high, you feel your muscles, man.

00:20:11.000 You feel your tissue.

00:20:12.000 You do feel everything way more intense.

00:20:14.000 You feel it.

00:20:15.000 Everything pops, stretches better.

00:20:17.000 It feels great when you stretch high.

00:20:19.000 Stretching high is like one of the great pleasures.

00:20:21.000 And you roll high too, right?

00:20:21.000 Oh yeah, I do jiu-jitsu high all the time.

00:20:23.000 Whatever you gave me, I have good energy right now.

00:20:25.000 Yeah, it's sativa.

00:20:26.000 It's called sage.

00:20:28.000 Sativa.

00:20:29.000 Yeah, it's a sativa.

00:20:31.000 It's all positive and energetic.

00:20:34.000 It's not like a...

00:20:35.000 I've never done stand-up high like this.

00:20:37.000 Yes, you have.

00:20:38.000 We got you high once before the show.

00:20:39.000 Yeah, actually, that's true.

00:20:40.000 Oh, that's right.

00:20:42.000 You did great.

00:20:43.000 You crushed. 1.00

00:20:44.000 That was fucking... 1.00

00:20:44.000 That's right. 1.00

00:20:45.000 That was at the Ice House, and I started talking about saving a baby that was trapped under a smart car.

00:20:48.000 You should get high before every show, man.

00:20:50.000 For real.

00:20:51.000 Yeah, me will. 1.00

00:20:51.000 Why fuck around. 1.00

00:20:52.000 I think I will. 1.00

00:20:53.000 Why fuck around. 1.00

00:20:54.000 Lately on stage, I've been... 1.00

00:20:55.000 I don't know if this ever happens to you, but I'll get just a winkling of an idea, and I just start following it on stage, and sometimes it just starts forming itself.

00:21:03.000 Other times you're like, where am I going with this?

00:21:04.000 What are you doing this weekend?

00:21:05.000 You got gigs?

00:21:06.000 Yeah, I'm going to be in...

00:21:07.000 Actually, I'm glad you reminded me.

00:21:08.000 I'll be in Vegas at the Paris, which is a great new room, and I'll be there Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

00:21:15.000 Come out.

00:21:16.000 That's Court McGowan's place?

00:21:17.000 Court McGowan's place at the Paris, and it's great, and Court will be middling for me.

00:21:22.000 And I can't wait, man.

00:21:24.000 I had a great time in Schaumburg.

00:21:25.000 Thanks to everybody at Schaumburg and thanks to Joe Rogan because a lot of people came out because they listened to this and it was amazing, man.

00:21:32.000 I love those crowds.

00:21:34.000 I love that room.

00:21:35.000 It's a great room.

00:21:36.000 I love Chicago.

00:21:37.000 They're so nice.

00:21:38.000 Yeah, they're great.

00:21:38.000 They're just polite people.

00:21:40.000 They're better than us.

00:21:44.000 I love the way you said that.

00:21:46.000 They're better than us.

00:21:47.000 They are better than us.

00:21:47.000 They're real people.

00:21:48.000 They have to deal with us in winter.

00:21:50.000 We're soft.

00:21:51.000 We're soft.

00:21:51.000 We're softer on the belly.

00:21:52.000 There's something that he said about having to deal with the winter.

00:21:55.000 They say that the people in the north developed faster technologically because they had to get ready for the winter.

00:22:02.000 Because the winter was something you had to develop a sense of time.

00:22:05.000 You had to figure out how to harvest, store food, and all the things that come with that.

00:22:08.000 And it required a higher level of technology and a higher level of sort of planning and, in some ways, discipline.

00:22:18.000 The criminals are way smarter on the East Coast.

00:22:20.000 Yeah, well, they're organized.

00:22:22.000 It's called the Mafia.

00:22:23.000 Those aren't the smart ones.

00:22:25.000 The Russians are the smart ones. 1.00

00:22:27.000 The Russians and the Chinese keep their fucking mouth closed. 1.00

00:22:31.000 The Italians start reality shows, like Mob Wives. 1.00

00:22:35.000 Can you imagine if a Russian chick tried to start a Mob Wives show? 1.00

00:22:38.000 They would kill that bitch. 1.00

00:22:40.000 But these weak-ass guineas are letting these fucking dumb broads go on TV and spout all their nonsense, basically indicting them on an entire life of crime. 1.00

00:22:48.000 You know what you're getting into when you're entering this life. 1.00

00:22:51.000 Oh, really? 1.00

00:22:52.000 So you're admitting your husband's a fucking criminal on TV, you dumb cunt? 1.00

00:22:55.000 Is that what you're doing? 1.00

00:22:56.000 Yeah, that's what you're doing.

00:22:59.000 If you are in a criminal empire, okay, if you're involved in something like that, you can't go on a reality show and just make light of it. 0.99

00:23:05.000 Like, it's no big deal to be a fucking mob wife. 1.00

00:23:07.000 Because I guarantee you there's some shit in that guy's past that he's denied. 1.00

00:23:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:23:12.000 And then he would say, no, no, no, I'm not a lifetime criminal. 0.99

00:23:15.000 You got your wife on TV talking about you being a mafia. 0.98

00:23:18.000 But if you're a real mafia guy, your wife doesn't know a damn thing. 1.00

00:23:21.000 No. 0.96

00:23:21.000 They found the head of the Chinese triads, they said, in New York. 0.96

00:23:24.000 And you know what he'd been doing for 15 years?

00:23:27.000 What?

00:23:27.000 Selling soda out of one of those push carts.

00:23:30.000 Jesus Christ.

00:23:31.000 Yeah, that was his cover.

00:23:33.000 Jesus Christ.

00:23:33.000 How about that?

00:23:34.000 They're willing to take it to a level. 0.98

00:23:35.000 Hey, dude, this soda's not fucking... 0.98

00:23:36.000 It's warm. 1.00

00:23:37.000 Give me a fucking... 1.00

00:23:38.000 Give me a cold soda. 1.00

00:23:39.000 Let's go.

00:23:39.000 He's ahead of a triad.

00:23:40.000 Yeah, he was dealing with that every day.

00:23:41.000 That's hilarious.

00:23:42.000 Okay.

00:23:43.000 Ran the triad.

00:23:44.000 When they had that whole Gotti thing going on in New York, I remember going, what is going on?

00:23:49.000 They can't arrest the mafia guy?

00:23:53.000 The Teflon Don.

00:23:54.000 I met and spent a lot of time with his lawyer.

00:23:57.000 Really?

00:23:58.000 What's his name?

00:23:59.000 I can't remember his name now.

00:24:00.000 It's killing me.

00:24:01.000 Bruce Buffer?

00:24:02.000 No, not Bruce Buffer.

00:24:06.000 Cotter?

00:24:07.000 No.

00:24:08.000 Whatever.

00:24:08.000 Cutler, Bruce Cutler.

00:24:09.000 Cutler?

00:24:09.000 Maybe.

00:24:10.000 Maybe.

00:24:10.000 Anyway, he looks like a big, thick guy.

00:24:12.000 He's a gorilla.

00:24:12.000 I thought he was an Italian guy.

00:24:13.000 He goes, no, I'm Jewish.

00:24:14.000 I'm Jewish from Brooklyn.

00:24:15.000 I don't believe in violence.

00:24:16.000 But I was a wrestler.

00:24:17.000 He was a wrestler.

00:24:18.000 And he never lost, he said.

00:24:19.000 But he was a really great guy.

00:24:21.000 And what is his name?

00:24:22.000 What is his name?

00:24:23.000 We've got to Google that.

00:24:24.000 But he was such a good guy.

00:24:26.000 And we had so much fun.

00:24:29.000 Really?

00:24:29.000 Was he a good guy?

00:24:30.000 Is it Bruce Cutler or Bruce?

00:24:31.000 I don't remember.

00:24:33.000 Yeah, he's a great guy.

00:24:34.000 He's got a great sense of humor.

00:24:37.000 And he was just talking about how defending somebody – they're going to send you away for a thousand years.

00:24:42.000 I'm going to defend you.

00:24:43.000 I'm going to do everything I can.

00:24:46.000 Bruce Cutler.

00:24:47.000 Yeah, Bruce Cutler.

00:24:48.000 He said about Gotti, he said, I have defended some very formidable men, and that is the one guy who really lived what he spoke, what he said.

00:24:57.000 I was in there.

00:24:58.000 Did I ever tell you a story about being in Little Italy in 91, let's call it?

00:25:02.000 And it might even be, yeah, something like that.

00:25:05.000 I think it was even in 90. And it was early.

00:25:07.000 And I was at, and he had a, I can't remember the name of his social club, but it was right near a restaurant called Cafe Sorrento.

00:25:15.000 And we used to go there.

00:25:16.000 And right next door was the social club, oh, come on, what's it called?

00:25:19.000 Mulberry something.

00:25:20.000 Something like that, Mulberry social club.

00:25:22.000 And I'll never forget, and that's where Gotti and his boys used to hang out.

00:25:25.000 You'd see these just rough-looking dudes with earpieces, and the car would pull up and stuff.

00:25:31.000 I remember I was eating at the outdoor cafe.

00:25:33.000 I was with this girl, and I saw these two dudes in suits with open shirts.

00:25:38.000 Ravenite Social Club.

00:25:39.000 Ravenite Social Club.

00:25:41.000 And Cafe Sorrento was right next door.

00:25:43.000 And I remember seeing these two just...

00:25:47.000 Giant men walking out on their way clearly to do, I could smell it, I could see it, clearly to do something bad.

00:25:55.000 Clearly to do something like, you know.

00:25:57.000 And I remember looking at how big and formidable they were and how they were basically professional knuckle breakers.

00:26:02.000 I thought to myself, that would put the fear of God in you.

00:26:05.000 You better be ready for guys who are going to, you know.

00:26:08.000 Yeah, because the cops are going to come and then they're going to go.

00:26:12.000 And those guys are going to wait.

00:26:14.000 They're going to come back.

00:26:15.000 That's right.

00:26:16.000 That's what their job is to get that done.

00:26:17.000 That's right.

00:26:18.000 They go like this.

00:26:19.000 They go, have a nice evening.

00:26:21.000 Have a good evening.

00:26:22.000 And then they come back and your whole place is burned down. 1.00

00:26:24.000 See you soon, fuckface. 1.00

00:26:27.000 It's a very scary thing to have organized crime. 0.99

00:26:30.000 Well, corporations and technology actually took a big bite out of organized crime.

00:26:36.000 They couldn't shake down local businesses anymore because they weren't.

00:26:38.000 They were all LLCs and things.

00:26:39.000 It's interesting.

00:26:40.000 The Ravenite Social Club is now a shoe store.

00:26:44.000 Yep.

00:26:44.000 Wow.

00:26:45.000 It's like shoes and purse.

00:26:46.000 And the way they brought down God, you ever hear the story? 0.69

00:26:49.000 The guy who used to run the Ravenite Social Club managed it.

00:26:52.000 He was the guy who took care of cleaning the tables and everything else.

00:26:54.000 They sent a cop in there, this beautiful woman. 0.99

00:26:57.000 She was a cop.

00:26:58.000 She banged him on the table. 0.99

00:27:00.000 And as he was banging on the table, she put a mic under the table. 1.00

00:27:05.000 And that is how she took one for the team, went in there, fucked this guy, took some cock, bang, put it under there, and brought the whole thing down. 1.00

00:27:16.000 What if she came? 1.00

00:27:18.000 It's a good question. 0.99

00:27:19.000 What if she was so turned on by the fucking scandal at all? 1.00

00:27:22.000 She was a sexual patriot. 1.00

00:27:24.000 Wow. 0.89

00:27:25.000 And I appreciate that.

00:27:25.000 Sexual patriot is a new distinction.

00:27:27.000 There it is.

00:27:28.000 I've never heard of a sexual patriot before.

00:27:29.000 Oh, by the way, everybody, thank you for making Man Thoughts with Brian Callen, number nine, yesterday.

00:27:35.000 Thanks to the Joe Rogan podcast, because I know a lot of you guys are just going over from here to there.

00:27:39.000 I mean, that's kind of crazy.

00:27:40.000 People love you.

00:27:41.000 I started talking about the 10-minute podcast.

00:27:42.000 I started talking about my podcast.

00:27:44.000 The next day.

00:27:45.000 The next day.

00:27:47.000 My buddy was like, you're number 13, dude, on iTunes.

00:27:50.000 Have you ever seen the YouTube comments whenever we request people to go look at a video?

00:27:54.000 No.

00:27:57.000 It's hilarious.

00:27:58.000 I recommended an Allman Brothers song the other day, and you go to the song now, and for the first three pages, it just says, like, powerful Joe Rogan, Olive Garden, Butthole.

00:28:13.000 Ah, it's awesome.

00:28:14.000 Yeah, it's hilarious.

00:28:15.000 Joe Rogan sent me. 0.93

00:28:16.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous.

00:28:18.000 What do you think is the, well, I mean, your podcast has become a bit of a phenomenon, and, you know, as long as I've known you, the one thing I know about you is that you've never, ever lied. 0.98

00:28:28.000 You're just an authentic dude, and you, for better or for worse, for better or for worse, you were always the guy, and when you were young, it was so inconvenient, because if you didn't like somebody in that circle, you'd be like, I don't fucking like you. 0.86

00:28:39.000 I don't like you. 0.88

00:28:40.000 So there it is.

00:28:41.000 I mean, it was basically that, or they figured out real quick that you just had a problem with it. 0.98

00:28:47.000 really ridiculous people in your life. 0.96

00:28:49.000 And I loved you. 0.99

00:28:51.000 And I'd be hanging around with you and I'd see all these problems in your life.

00:28:54.000 And it drove me crazy.

00:28:55.000 Because it wasn't just that I didn't like this guy. 0.95

00:28:58.000 I was mad that this guy was wasting your time with nonsense. 1.00

00:29:02.000 These idiots and liars and frauds and dummies. 1.00

00:29:06.000 And you didn't want to hurt their feelings, so you accommodated them. 1.00

00:29:09.000 That's right.

00:29:10.000 And I was offended.

00:29:11.000 I was offended by them.

00:29:12.000 I was offended by them for being so weak to run this weak game.

00:29:15.000 And then you were accepting this weak game so they didn't grow.

00:29:18.000 Do you know a lot of young people listen to this?

00:29:19.000 And you know what I figured out after a while and why I don't do that anymore?

00:29:23.000 Why I don't suffer fools anymore? 0.77

00:29:25.000 Because... 0.99

00:29:26.000 When you suffer fools like that, what you're doing is actually taking your time away from real people, people who do deserve your time, who are not imposters. 0.98

00:29:37.000 It's not good for them either. 1.00

00:29:39.000 If you let a fool be a fool, they have to be a fool. 0.99

00:29:42.000 By saying that that's who they are and you just accept that, they're never going to grow. 1.00

00:29:46.000 Right.

00:29:47.000 And I don't know if they can grow.

00:29:48.000 I don't know what their potential for growth is. 0.97

00:29:49.000 But we're not going to fucking find out if you tolerate them. 0.88

00:29:51.000 You can't do it because you lose all your energy. 0.97

00:29:54.000 It's actually a form of high-tech procrastination.

00:29:57.000 If I think back on it, I think a lot of it was just high-tech procrastination.

00:30:01.000 We do, as human beings, astonishing things.

00:30:05.000 To ensure our own failure, or to at least ensure that we don't realize our potential.

00:30:11.000 True potential.

00:30:12.000 And we do crazy things, like have a family with three kids that we, and with a woman we don't like, or take a job that we have to take because we've got to hold down this massive nut we create for ourselves, when what we should be doing, and actually, in Turning Pro, he talks about this a lot.

00:30:30.000 Pressfield, yeah.

00:30:31.000 Pressfield.

00:30:32.000 And the war of art.

00:30:33.000 And the War of Heart.

00:30:34.000 So we do these things.

00:30:36.000 It's very hard.

00:30:37.000 And I always tell people, I say, if you really want to try and exercise, just ask yourself if you couldn't fail.

00:30:44.000 If you couldn't fail, you can get anything you want.

00:30:46.000 Just make a list of what you really want in Technicolor and see what it does to you.

00:30:50.000 It's hard to face up to it.

00:30:52.000 A lot of people have competing notions in their own mind about money.

00:30:57.000 You have all these weird things like money can't buy you happiness, it's the root of all evil, but we all want money.

00:31:04.000 Within our own mind, we have these major conflicts of interest whenever you bring up the word money because it conjures up both negative and positive images in us.

00:31:16.000 That's interesting to me because you and I know that if you make enough money, you can do a lot of good with it.

00:31:21.000 You can make a difference with it.

00:31:22.000 So everybody should be trying in some way to be, it's not just about money, but trying to be the best they can be because you'll make a difference.

00:31:28.000 But I think within ourselves, part of the human problem and something you have to face up as you get older is the fact that there are a lot of contradictions within your own mind because they've been given to you.

00:31:40.000 You know, it's really hard sometimes to just have because you have to actually think you deserve it.

00:31:47.000 And most of us are conditioned to be guilty about having too much, you know.

00:31:53.000 Yeah, well, there's a lot of people in this country that feel like it's okay to be angry at you because you're successful. 1.00

00:31:59.000 There's a lot of people that will say like, oh, fucking rich asshole. 1.00

00:32:03.000 Much less in this country than other countries, and I'll tell you why. 1.00

00:32:05.000 And one of the strengths of our country is this, and George Will has a great, he gave a great speech about this.

00:32:12.000 The great thing about America is that all of us out there know, and I hope we're not losing sight of this because in some ways you can get cynical about the way this world is wired now, but the bottom line is a lot of Americans know, I may be poor today, but if I do the right thing, I might be rich tomorrow.

00:32:27.000 And that sense of potential in the American character is what drives this economy.

00:32:32.000 It's why we're so innovative.

00:32:34.000 That's all well and good as an ideal, but the real problem has nothing to do with America as an ideal.

00:32:39.000 The real problem has to do with weakness of character and people not liking people who are successful.

00:32:44.000 Yes.

00:32:45.000 You know, I had a friend who will remain nameless, but he's a very nice guy and he's a comedian.

00:32:49.000 He's sort of a bit of the self-hating, nebbishy type.

00:32:52.000 And he's like, you're always doing this with your body.

00:32:55.000 Why?

00:32:56.000 Why have all these muscles?

00:32:59.000 Why be in shape?

00:33:00.000 Why are you so concentrated on that?

00:33:02.000 Like, for real.

00:33:03.000 I go, if I gave you a pill, And in that pill, all you can do is you take this pill and all of a sudden you're a super athlete.

00:33:10.000 You're a person who's unlike 99.9% of the people you run on the street.

00:33:15.000 You're a martial arts expert. 0.94

00:33:17.000 You could choke people. 1.00

00:33:18.000 You could kick the shit out of them if you wanted to. 1.00

00:33:22.000 You can defend yourself. 1.00

00:33:23.000 Wouldn't you take that pill?

00:33:25.000 And he goes, yeah, I would.

00:33:26.000 I go, well, that pill is just hard work.

00:33:28.000 Right.

00:33:29.000 If you do hard work, you become that.

00:33:30.000 And consistency.

00:33:31.000 See, I did it without a pill.

00:33:32.000 Consistency.

00:33:32.000 Yeah, it's the same thing.

00:33:34.000 There's nothing wrong with being in shape.

00:33:36.000 The only thing that's wrong with being in shape is if you're not in shape, and you see a guy's in shape, and you see a woman react to that guy in shape in a very sexually attracted way, it makes you feel uncomfortable.

00:33:47.000 That's right.

00:33:47.000 So you want to pull the go-post back.

00:33:49.000 You want to make the game easier.

00:33:51.000 You don't want to compete with this guy, you know?

00:33:54.000 Right.

00:33:54.000 And it starts with, like I always tell people, you know, first ask yourself, be honest with yourself, man.

00:34:01.000 Sit there alone and ask yourself what you really want.

00:34:04.000 I mean, ask yourself in detail. 0.84

00:34:06.000 Then, don't go, like if you have to get your PhD or something ridiculous, don't look at the top of the mountain.

00:34:12.000 Just take an action every day.

00:34:14.000 I don't care what it is, one little action.

00:34:16.000 And that's what I do.

00:34:18.000 Like, just keep taking it.

00:34:19.000 It's like working out.

00:34:20.000 Show up. 0.99

00:34:21.000 I don't give a shit if you start with five minutes. 0.99

00:34:24.000 When you show up too, you develop momentum. 0.99

00:34:26.000 That's it.

00:34:26.000 When you start developing momentum, the human being relies a lot on momentum.

00:34:31.000 We're a habit.

00:34:32.000 We're beasts of habit and momentum.

00:34:34.000 And when you have a habit of working out all the time, if I don't work out for a few days, I feel super uncomfortable.

00:34:40.000 Me too.

00:34:41.000 I don't feel good.

00:34:42.000 Me neither.

00:34:42.000 You have to.

00:34:43.000 You have to exercise on a regular, regular basis.

00:34:45.000 And when you do that, you develop momentum.

00:34:47.000 When I write a lot, I'm writing.

00:34:48.000 I get on a momentous schedule.

00:34:50.000 Sort of a wave and I feel good about it and it becomes a part of my habit.

00:34:55.000 That's what you have to do is give yourself positive habits.

00:34:58.000 Yeah.

00:34:58.000 Positive habits.

00:34:59.000 Positive habits.

00:35:00.000 Success is a habit by the way.

00:35:01.000 You're right.

00:35:01.000 Yeah.

00:35:02.000 Be proud.

00:35:03.000 Be proud of getting work done.

00:35:05.000 Be happy that you're getting work done.

00:35:06.000 I mean that is what you do.

00:35:08.000 But you know a lot of people also remember you surround yourself with a lot of people who aren't happy for you.

00:35:12.000 They're not actually your friends.

00:35:13.000 But what they are is they're comfort.

00:35:14.000 They're creatures of comfort.

00:35:15.000 They're not actually your friends. 0.99

00:35:16.000 And I think it's important sometimes you got to change your fucking gang. 0.98

00:35:19.000 Well, one of the reasons why you and I were such good friends when I met you is like, first of all, you were the closest guy to me I've ever met in my life. 0.99

00:35:31.000 I was like, holy shit, here's this guy who's exactly like me. 0.51

00:35:35.000 And you required nothing. 0.99

00:35:38.000 You had no, like, what, man?

00:35:39.000 You're not going to come to my birthday party? 1.00

00:35:41.000 There was no creepy, dummy shit in there. 0.99

00:35:44.000 And I had just gotten out of a friendship where I had to kick a guy out of my life. 0.99

00:35:49.000 Because I was friends with him when I was broke, and then once I got on television, he got really fucking jealous. 1.00

00:35:56.000 And he said a lot of dumb shit. 0.99

00:35:58.000 I asked him not to give away my phone number. 1.00

00:36:01.000 I said I have two phone numbers.

00:36:02.000 Because I've always had a media phone and a regular phone.

00:36:05.000 Because when you do media, like you do radio shows, they have to call you back. 0.99

00:36:09.000 I want to have a phone where if I pull it out of the wall, I don't give a fuck who calls. 0.99

00:36:13.000 So I have that phone. 0.99

00:36:14.000 So I said, just do me a favor.

00:36:15.000 Your friend, who by the way, just got out of a mental institution, would you do me a favor and just give him my other phone? 0.99

00:36:22.000 He doesn't fucking care about you, man, just because you're on TV. Your friend just got out of a mental institution. 0.99

00:36:28.000 He's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:36:29.000 All I'm asking is, if you're going to bring this crazy guy into my life by connection, give him the media phone. 1.00

00:36:34.000 That's all. 0.98

00:36:35.000 And he went in this, whoa, you think you're such a fucking badass because you're on TV? I'm like... 0.98

00:36:38.000 What is this?

00:36:39.000 What are you even talking about, man? 0.99

00:36:41.000 I'm asking you not to give your crazy friend my number. 0.99

00:36:44.000 That's it. 0.99

00:36:45.000 And all of a sudden it has to become some attack on my success.

00:36:50.000 And it wasn't even a big success.

00:36:52.000 It was just a little part of a sitcom.

00:36:54.000 But you remind them of what they're not doing.

00:36:56.000 Exactly.

00:36:56.000 I think a lot of people go into this notion of scarcity, this idea that there's...

00:37:00.000 Only a certain amount of the pie.

00:37:01.000 And if somebody else is doing well, I'm not going to do well.

00:37:03.000 They're not even thinking that.

00:37:05.000 All they're thinking about is themselves.

00:37:07.000 They're not looking at it as this giant picture of resources.

00:37:10.000 All they're doing is just like being a baby.

00:37:13.000 All they're saying is, what about me?

00:37:15.000 I had a friend who got a part.

00:37:16.000 And as he got a part, he got a part in a sitcom.

00:37:18.000 His girlfriend started crying.

00:37:20.000 I'm never gonna get anything.

00:37:24.000 What about me?

00:37:25.000 Like, this guy just got a part in a sitcom.

00:37:27.000 He was so happy.

00:37:29.000 He was like, I can't believe I got it.

00:37:31.000 I nailed the audition.

00:37:32.000 I got it.

00:37:33.000 I worked with my acting professional.

00:37:34.000 That's a huge deal, man.

00:37:35.000 What about me?

00:37:39.000 That's why I don't date actresses. 1.00

00:37:42.000 Actresses.

00:37:43.000 That's part of the song.

00:37:44.000 I have a very strict no headshots policy.

00:37:47.000 It's very important.

00:37:47.000 I always steal that because I went through my headshots phase and I just stopped doing it.

00:37:52.000 Yeah, you learn. 1.00

00:37:54.000 You don't want to date anybody that's as fucked up as you are. 1.00

00:37:57.000 That's very important. 1.00

00:37:58.000 That's the bottom line. 0.99

00:37:59.000 I can manage my fucked up-edness. 0.98

00:38:02.000 I don't want to introduce yours into the equation as well. 0.99

00:38:04.000 The other day on stage I was talking about my daughter and I was like, I just don't want her to date a guy like me.

00:38:09.000 So I've got to play a character for the next 15 years.

00:38:11.000 So she imprints on somebody different.

00:38:13.000 Yeah, well, my friend said, what are you going to do if they start dating girls?

00:38:17.000 Or start dating boys?

00:38:18.000 I'm like, guess what?

00:38:19.000 Girls like boys.

00:38:20.000 That's it.

00:38:20.000 Boys like girls, too.

00:38:22.000 The only thing you can do is this.

00:38:23.000 Here's my philosophy.

00:38:24.000 It's good.

00:38:25.000 They're supposed to like girls. 0.55

00:38:26.000 And girls are supposed to like boys. 0.87

00:38:29.000 And just instill them with the right values and a good mind.

00:38:31.000 They're going to make their mistakes.

00:38:33.000 That's all you can do.

00:38:35.000 People are just afraid of their children growing up.

00:38:37.000 And by the way, make sure, if they're looking up to a yoker like Kim Kardashian, just give them an alternative. 0.96

00:38:41.000 They're not going to look up to that dummy. 0.67

00:38:43.000 It's real sad. 1.00

00:38:43.000 If you don't fuck your kids up, if you raise them like they're friends and you talk to them and communicate with them, they're not going to be attracted to something as stupid as the life of Kim Kardashian. 1.00

00:38:53.000 I remember watching you with... 1.00

00:38:54.000 There's humor in that.

00:38:55.000 Yeah, I remember watching you with your first daughter and you would talk to her like an adult.

00:39:01.000 And when I would talk to her like this...

00:39:03.000 I didn't know anything about kids.

00:39:04.000 Well, we play.

00:39:05.000 I play with my kids.

00:39:06.000 But I talk to them and I think kids know a lot more than you think they know.

00:39:11.000 I mean, I'm down to play princess.

00:39:14.000 I'm down to pretend Santa Claus is real.

00:39:16.000 I'm down for pretend.

00:39:17.000 But when it comes to emotions, one of the first things I do whenever I catch them doing something wrong, like they hate each other or yell at each other, I always tell them that I did the same thing.

00:39:27.000 Always.

00:39:27.000 Like one of them bit her sister the other day.

00:39:29.000 I go, I bit a little girl when I was five.

00:39:32.000 Got in trouble, bit some girl in her hand.

00:39:34.000 She was sticking her hand in my mouth. 1.00

00:39:35.000 I'm like, fuck you, bitch. 1.00

00:39:36.000 I bit her hand. 1.00

00:39:37.000 So I told her how bad I felt.

00:39:39.000 I might still do that.

00:39:40.000 After the first three times, you put your hand in my mouth. 0.99

00:39:44.000 Watching her little four-year-old eyes look at me and realize that I used to be dumb. 0.99

00:39:49.000 It wasn't just her daddy. 0.99

00:39:51.000 It wasn't just an adult.

00:39:52.000 At one point in time, I was a little child as well, just like her.

00:39:55.000 I was telling her, I very remember biting this girl. 0.99

00:39:59.000 It was very traumatic. 0.98

00:40:00.000 I shouldn't have done it, and the girl was mad, and her mom was mad, and I felt like an idiot, you know? 0.98

00:40:05.000 And her mom's like, why didn't you just slug her? 0.99

00:40:06.000 You didn't have to bite her.

00:40:08.000 And I'm like, I'm sorry.

00:40:10.000 I mean, I didn't even break skin or anything. 0.97

00:40:12.000 It was just so dumb. 0.94

00:40:13.000 The worst thing for me, the worst times in my life I can always remember was when I was embarrassed. 0.99

00:40:19.000 Do you tell your kids this?

00:40:20.000 Would somebody embarrass me?

00:40:21.000 No, I haven't really.

00:40:22.000 I haven't told my daughter that, who's old enough now to understand.

00:40:25.000 Yeah, I do, man.

00:40:26.000 I'm going to start.

00:40:27.000 Anytime there's any sort of an issue, I think that's one of the most important things.

00:40:31.000 The same with my stepdaughter.

00:40:32.000 She was an old daughter.

00:40:33.000 I've always done the same thing with her.

00:40:36.000 I mean, say stepdaughter.

00:40:37.000 She's my daughter.

00:40:40.000 Well, that's what I was talking about.

00:40:42.000 But when I communicate with her, it's the same thing.

00:40:45.000 It's always got to be that they're a human being.

00:40:48.000 Well, you're giving them the benefit of the doubt.

00:40:50.000 Actually, they have the same mind as we do.

00:40:52.000 They don't have context.

00:40:53.000 Yes, exactly.

00:40:54.000 That's what it is with children.

00:40:55.000 And when you bring them into your world like that and you communicate with them, then they'll bring you into their thoughts as well.

00:41:00.000 It's amazing how much my four-year-old just opens up and talks to me about how she feels about things and what bothers her.

00:41:06.000 Do you think that you have a...

00:41:08.000 I was just talking about this with...

00:41:10.000 I just recorded something with Jay Moore on my podcast.

00:41:12.000 I asked him if he had a primary question that runs through his mind every day.

00:41:17.000 Do you think you wake up with a primary question?

00:41:19.000 No.

00:41:20.000 You don't have one overriding question?

00:41:21.000 No, enjoy myself.

00:41:23.000 I think this is a journey.

00:41:25.000 I just think this is a ride.

00:41:27.000 Look, it is.

00:41:28.000 It's temporary.

00:41:29.000 It's not going to last.

00:41:30.000 I just want to enjoy myself.

00:41:32.000 I want to be amongst friends and have a good time.

00:41:35.000 Have a good time doing my stand-up, doing my work.

00:41:38.000 Have a good time doing jujitsu, hanging out with my boys at 10th Planet and John Jack Machado's.

00:41:43.000 Having a good time driving around listening to music, being nice to people.

00:41:48.000 Yeah, I feel like we're all a little too small in this giant universe to take ourselves too seriously.

00:41:54.000 Well, there's no benefit in it.

00:41:56.000 There's no benefit in self-grandeur.

00:41:58.000 The benefit is in friendship.

00:42:00.000 The benefit is in fun, laughter.

00:42:02.000 I'm so psyched about you coming over here.

00:42:04.000 We talked about this.

00:42:06.000 Our families are together.

00:42:07.000 Brian's wife's here.

00:42:08.000 We have the kids here.

00:42:10.000 I've got steaks.

00:42:11.000 We're going to play some music, listen to some music, and drink some wine.

00:42:14.000 That's what life's about.

00:42:16.000 That's what life's about.

00:42:16.000 Life is about having fun.

00:42:17.000 Didn't I say that to you?

00:42:17.000 I said we are going to mark our lives by the number of times we laughed with each other and were silly and were just surprising and shocking each other.

00:42:26.000 That's what it's about, man.

00:42:27.000 Stan Hope and I were on the phone the other day and he was drunk.

00:42:30.000 And he's like, you know, I could quit stand-up, but I couldn't quit stand-ups.

00:42:34.000 He goes, I don't need to do comedy anymore.

00:42:37.000 He goes, I never want to stop hanging out with comics.

00:42:40.000 Because, you know, he and I were just on the phone. 0.99

00:42:42.000 We're just laughing and talking shit and laughing and laughing. 0.99

00:42:45.000 He called me. 0.99

00:42:47.000 He was listening to the Jamie Kilstein podcast in a van filled with other people.

00:42:53.000 Like, he was on tour.

00:42:55.000 And he called me.

00:42:55.000 It sounded like a comedy club.

00:42:57.000 He goes, I just want to tell you, we're listening to you right now and everybody has something to say to you.

00:43:01.000 And then he holds up the phone and all the comics in the van are screaming and cheering and applauding. 0.99

00:43:06.000 Jamie Kilstein said some crazy shit about Tosh, shouldn't have said that rape joke. 1.00

00:43:11.000 He went Captain Feminist on people. 0.99

00:43:14.000 And then I called him back and we're just laughing.

00:43:19.000 It's so fun.

00:43:20.000 That's the kind of human beings you're supposed to be in contact with.

00:43:23.000 Joey Diaz.

00:43:24.000 Joey Diaz.

00:43:25.000 That's an original.

00:43:26.000 What a stamp on life.

00:43:28.000 That guy's, he's just great. 0.98

00:43:30.000 I mean, he just, he looks over in the UFC and I'm sitting like literally like six, ten chairs away and he goes, he just leaves and goes, no drama, cocksucker, no drama. 1.00

00:43:38.000 And everybody's like, what the fuck is that guy saying? 0.99

00:43:40.000 And I was like, no drama, man. 1.00

00:43:43.000 No drama, cocksucker! 1.00

00:43:44.000 We're doing an End of the World show with Joey Diaz, Doug Stanhope, me, and a band called Honey Honey. 0.99

00:43:51.000 I'll be in the audience, I'll tell you that much.

00:43:53.000 December 21st, 2012. I'll be there.

00:43:55.000 In Hollywood, and it's going to be at the Wiltern Theater.

00:43:59.000 I'll come on stage as you again.

00:44:01.000 Well, Stanhope is also coming to the Ice House this Friday night.

00:44:05.000 So if you're coming to the Ice House, we've got shows at the Ice House.

00:44:07.000 It's me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir tonight and tomorrow.

00:44:11.000 I'll be in Vegas, Stanhope.

00:44:12.000 And tonight, Doug Stanhope's, or not tonight and tomorrow. 0.96

00:44:15.000 What am I, retarded? 0.91

00:44:16.000 Today's Wednesday. 0.94

00:44:17.000 I don't even know what day it is.

00:44:19.000 Woo! 0.99

00:44:19.000 Friday night and Saturday night, sorry. 0.99

00:44:22.000 At the Ice House and Friday night, Stan Hope's gonna be here.

00:44:24.000 Wish I could.

00:44:25.000 I would come after that.

00:44:26.000 I've never met Stan Hope and I'm a big fan.

00:44:27.000 Oh really?

00:44:27.000 Yeah.

00:44:28.000 I'd love to meet him.

00:44:29.000 He's a great guy.

00:44:29.000 He's the best.

00:44:31.000 So important.

00:44:32.000 He's so important to me.

00:44:33.000 He's like, he's a real guy.

00:44:35.000 He's refreshing.

00:44:36.000 He's really doing it.

00:44:37.000 He's refreshing.

00:44:38.000 Yeah, and he's 100% legit.

00:44:40.000 He's a 100% legit, hilarious, headliner, He's a comedian who's just really into continuing to do that, albeit occasionally, reluctantly.

00:44:51.000 He's the real deal, man.

00:44:53.000 I was talking to Jay Moore today, and he said, what's your definition of heaven?

00:44:58.000 And I said, to be honest with you, man, I think it's just being on stage and doing stand-up.

00:45:02.000 I don't think I'll ever take time off away from you.

00:45:05.000 He's like, when are you going to retire?

00:45:06.000 I think I'm going to be Don Rickles. 0.99

00:45:08.000 I'll be 85 years old doing fucking stand-up. 0.99

00:45:11.000 Why? 1.00

00:45:11.000 Why not? 1.00

00:45:12.000 It's just so much fun.

00:45:13.000 And what else would I be doing?

00:45:14.000 Find me something else that's really fun.

00:45:16.000 Be like, you want to go skydiving?

00:45:18.000 Nah, I got...

00:45:19.000 If people still want to listen, I'll still be doing it.

00:45:21.000 Yeah.

00:45:21.000 And when they don't want to listen anymore, when you're doing like half-filled shows and the people are barely there, you're like, well, all right.

00:45:26.000 Maybe it's time to pack it in.

00:45:27.000 But then again, maybe it's time to go back to the drawing board and come up with new stuff.

00:45:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:31.000 Well, it could be.

00:45:32.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:45:33.000 I mean, you know, it could be that.

00:45:34.000 It could be a lapse.

00:45:35.000 But for some people, it's the end.

00:45:37.000 You know, there's a lot of people that get fat.

00:45:39.000 They just get fat in the brain.

00:45:40.000 Yeah, but you've got to keep feeding.

00:45:42.000 I always tell young comics, I'm like, feed your brain.

00:45:45.000 It's important to read everything if you can or as much as you can.

00:45:49.000 And keep asking yourself the next question.

00:45:51.000 It's how you stay dynamic.

00:45:53.000 It's how your material will grow.

00:45:55.000 And it's how you will grow as a person.

00:45:56.000 You know, one of the things...

00:45:57.000 I've been getting nothing but great feedback about this podcast I did with my dad.

00:46:00.000 Well, my dad's 72. What my dad continues to do and what I respect about him so much...

00:46:04.000 Is he continues to grow.

00:46:06.000 I watched this 72 year old guy taking Italian and going to Italy for three weeks and throwing himself into Italian. 0.99

00:46:12.000 When the fuck is he going to use Italian yet he doesn't care he takes it. 1.00

00:46:17.000 Reading these obscure things on quantum physics and stuff. 0.99

00:46:20.000 He's just always growing.

00:46:22.000 Well because he enjoys it.

00:46:23.000 I think what people have to realize, the reason why that's shocking to people is most people feel like there's a destination.

00:46:29.000 Well, I'm going to reach retirement.

00:46:30.000 When I reach retirement, then I'm going to change.

00:46:32.000 There is just now.

00:46:35.000 There is just life.

00:46:36.000 And you should think about the future, but your primary concern should be now.

00:46:41.000 It should be life.

00:46:42.000 And what do you enjoy doing?

00:46:44.000 Do you enjoy learning things?

00:46:45.000 Do you enjoy reading?

00:46:46.000 Do you enjoy... 1.00

00:46:48.000 Isolation tanks or fucking hikes or workouts. 1.00

00:46:51.000 Just grow. 1.00

00:46:51.000 Do that stuff. 1.00

00:46:51.000 And by the way, here's something for people to say, well, I can't do that because I've got to put food on the table for my kids. 1.00

00:46:56.000 You'll set a very, very good example to your children if you're following your dream and what you're supposed to be doing.

00:47:04.000 Children pick up on that.

00:47:05.000 They can pick up on whether you're doing drudgery or you're doing something inspiring for yourself.

00:47:10.000 And it'll make your household better, in my opinion.

00:47:12.000 That's easy for me to say, by the way, because I'm not having to pay bills all the time. 0.92

00:47:14.000 So I don't want to be too disrespectful of people who are actually trying to just make some money and figure their shit out.

00:47:20.000 But just keep in the back of your mind that...

00:47:22.000 Some people get an easy ride in this life.

00:47:26.000 We all know this.

00:47:26.000 Some people get really lucky and they get an easy ride in this life.

00:47:30.000 But...

00:47:31.000 That doesn't usually last. 0.93

00:47:33.000 Most of the people who get an easy ride, if they don't earn it, they wind up fucking it up. 0.83

00:47:38.000 That's true. 0.92

00:47:39.000 Almost always.

00:47:40.000 That's very true.

00:47:40.000 And your ride is different than anybody else's ride.

00:47:45.000 As my ride is different from anybody else's ride.

00:47:47.000 But you gotta accept that.

00:47:48.000 Instead of being mad at other people's rides, you gotta only look at what you're dealt.

00:47:53.000 What is the hand you're dealt?

00:47:55.000 Move from there. 1.00

00:47:56.000 Don't worry about this guy who's a fucking rich prick. 1.00

00:47:59.000 He's born into a fucking rich house. 1.00

00:48:01.000 That's His dad's a fucking banker. 1.00

00:48:03.000 He's got all this money. 1.00

00:48:04.000 Kid thinks he's a...

00:48:04.000 That is not your concern, okay?

00:48:07.000 That guy's got his own problems.

00:48:08.000 If you concentrate on him and hate on him, that is wasted resources.

00:48:12.000 What you should be concentrating on is what hand were you dealt?

00:48:16.000 You know, well, I'm not so good at math, but you know what?

00:48:18.000 I think I want to be a rapper.

00:48:19.000 Be a rapper!

00:48:21.000 Concentrate on yourself.

00:48:22.000 Concentrate on one hand, your belt.

00:48:24.000 And please remember also, this is so important as I get older, there's no doubt about this.

00:48:28.000 Anybody you admire who's really good at something, whether it's the drums, jujitsu, math, whatever, please know this.

00:48:34.000 They've put in at least 10 years of really hard work.

00:48:38.000 Not always.

00:48:39.000 Some people are prodigies.

00:48:41.000 Sure, but anything that you want to get good at, you're going to have to put daily practice into and should always do it for the sake of the practice, not the result.

00:48:52.000 You get just as much, like somebody said, well, I don't know, by the time I get my psychology degree, I don't know.

00:48:57.000 Look, while you're trying to get your psychology degree, you're going to be meeting people you want to be around who are dynamic and interesting because they're going to be doing the same thing you're doing.

00:49:07.000 So the fun starts almost right away.

00:49:10.000 Well, people just get scared about long-term goals and long-term commitments.

00:49:16.000 It's like, just keep working.

00:49:17.000 You're going to keep working anyway on something, right?

00:49:20.000 Are you just going to stop moving?

00:49:21.000 Are you going to work on feeding yourself? 1.00

00:49:23.000 You're going to fucking move forward. 0.99

00:49:24.000 Tim Ferriss said something interesting in his book. 0.99

00:49:26.000 He goes, my goals, I don't set these 10-year goals.

00:49:28.000 I set 3-month goals, 6-month goals, 9-month goals, 12-month goals.

00:49:32.000 That's a good way to do it.

00:49:33.000 You can get a lot done in 3 months.

00:49:34.000 Just something simple.

00:49:35.000 I don't set any goals.

00:49:37.000 You don't?

00:49:37.000 Never.

00:49:38.000 Never set goals.

00:49:39.000 I set objectives as far as what I want to get done in days during the day.

00:49:44.000 But my goal is to be doing what I want to do.

00:49:47.000 And I'm already doing that.

00:49:48.000 Oh yeah, but you've always...

00:49:49.000 So I don't have any goals.

00:49:50.000 But you've always had very clear notions.

00:49:52.000 Talk to you.

00:49:52.000 You'll go...

00:49:53.000 I remember you going, I'm going to start my own TV show.

00:49:55.000 My own TV channel.

00:49:56.000 I remember you saying that before the podcast.

00:49:57.000 Then you were like, I'm going to do a podcast.

00:49:59.000 So you get these ideas and the difference between you is that once you get an idea...

00:50:05.000 Once you're into something, whether it's a video game or a sport, you're a cuckoo bird about it. 1.00

00:50:13.000 Fucking cuckoo. 0.99

00:50:15.000 I'm like, what are you doing? 1.00

00:50:16.000 He goes, I just finished practicing Quake for 15 hours.

00:50:19.000 I fainted.

00:50:20.000 I'm like, well, how about, I'll do it for an hour and 15 minutes.

00:50:25.000 15 hours.

00:50:26.000 I fainted.

00:50:27.000 I didn't get any water.

00:50:28.000 Not to you.

00:50:29.000 Well, I grew up completely obsessed with martial arts and that mindset of the practice of martial arts, which was defining for me, which made me a human being, was the first thing I was ever really good at.

00:50:43.000 That became the way I lived my whole life.

00:50:46.000 Live a life like you're about to do the most dangerous thing you could ever possibly imagine, so you have to be obsessed with it to get really good at it.

00:50:54.000 I can't half-ass something.

00:50:56.000 I could get crazy.

00:50:57.000 But why did you think you would be good at stand-up? 0.98

00:50:59.000 Were you a class clown? 0.96

00:51:00.000 I didn't.

00:51:00.000 I didn't think I was going to be good at stand-up.

00:51:02.000 I had a very specific idea that the only people that laughed at me were the people that were these sick fucks that I trained with. 0.99

00:51:09.000 Because those are the people that taught me. 0.99

00:51:11.000 My friend Ed Shorter and my friend Steve Graham.

00:51:13.000 Steve Graham is still one of my best friends to this day.

00:51:16.000 When I was a little kid, I used to make everybody laugh at the Taekwondo school.

00:51:21.000 I would do these impressions of my instructor having sex with one of the students.

00:51:26.000 I never did any of that. 1.00

00:51:27.000 I would do it in the voice and with their accent and shit. 0.99

00:51:33.000 It would be like one of our friends would say, well, I really want that blue belt. 0.99

00:51:37.000 Was he Korean, your instructor?

00:51:38.000 Yeah, well, it wasn't that guy.

00:51:40.000 It was another guy that I actually made fun of who was more of an assistant.

00:51:43.000 My instructor was Korean and we really respected him.

00:51:46.000 He's still an amazing guy, one of the most influential people in my life.

00:51:49.000 But I used to call fellow students as him.

00:51:52.000 I'd be like, hello.

00:51:57.000 My friends would freak out.

00:51:58.000 They'd be like, hi sir, how are you?

00:51:59.000 Why is he calling me?

00:52:00.000 He never called anybody.

00:52:02.000 We definitely have that in common, that we used to do impressions of people that we knew.

00:52:05.000 Yeah, that's like the first kind of humor.

00:52:08.000 You recognize something goofy that someone does, and so you repeat it, and then we put them in ridiculous scenarios.

00:52:13.000 But my first comedy came from high school.

00:52:17.000 When I was in high school, I was not a funny kid.

00:52:19.000 I was a much more troubled kid than I was funny, but I was an artist.

00:52:24.000 And when no one was around, I would go into Mr. Hallman's class.

00:52:28.000 Mr. Hallman was this really wacky science teacher. 0.99

00:52:31.000 He was really fucking crazy. 0.98

00:52:32.000 And I knew how to draw him. 0.99

00:52:34.000 I always forget that you're a really good drawer.

00:52:37.000 I always forget that.

00:52:38.000 I wanted to be a comic book artist.

00:52:42.000 I dedicated a lot of time. 0.53

00:52:44.000 And it was one high school teacher that sucked that completely turned me off to it.

00:52:49.000 I was like, I can't do it. 0.98

00:52:50.000 Thank God for him.

00:52:51.000 Maybe not.

00:52:52.000 I mean, I would have enjoyed being an artist.

00:52:54.000 Maybe I wouldn't have had to be so...

00:52:56.000 I can't see you sitting at a drafting table all day.

00:53:00.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:53:01.000 Maybe?

00:53:01.000 I don't know.

00:53:02.000 I enjoyed it, though.

00:53:03.000 I really enjoyed illustrations.

00:53:06.000 What was my point?

00:53:08.000 By the way, illustrations are hypnotic, aren't they?

00:53:11.000 I mean, you can paint all day.

00:53:12.000 I know painters who said, this guy, I can't remember his name.

00:53:15.000 You're going to make me go off traffic.

00:53:16.000 Mr. Hallman.

00:53:17.000 Oh, okay.

00:53:18.000 I'm sorry.

00:53:19.000 I just have to remember this.

00:53:20.000 So what I would do, my first stab at humor was I would draw pictures of this dude on the board. 0.99

00:53:26.000 Like pictures of him butt-fucking other students. 0.99

00:53:29.000 And then there was a guy named Mr. White, who was this really short dude who just got back from Vietnam and he was fucking crazy. 0.99

00:53:35.000 And Mr. White, I always drew him standing on a chair or standing on a stool. 0.93

00:53:40.000 I always drew him standing on top of something.

00:53:42.000 And he was always screaming about Nam. 0.99

00:53:45.000 And people would fucking howl. 0.99

00:53:47.000 And I would put it on the chalkboard. 0.99

00:53:48.000 I got suspended because I drew the Spanish teacher.

00:53:51.000 The Spanish teacher wore a ton of makeup.

00:53:54.000 Like, unbelievable amounts of makeup. 0.98

00:53:55.000 Like a clown. 0.93

00:53:56.000 And then I drew her, like, her face with all the makeup. 0.81

00:53:59.000 And then I drew a werewolf.

00:54:00.000 This is her without makeup.

00:54:02.000 It was really good.

00:54:03.000 Like, fangs and slobber.

00:54:04.000 The first time I knew you were really funny, before I'd even seen you do stand-up, we were at the UFC. And we were sitting there, and we were on a bus.

00:54:10.000 We were going back, being shuttled back to something.

00:54:13.000 This was, like, back in the day when Randy Couture, like, had his first fight, literally.

00:54:16.000 Right, yeah, yeah.

00:54:17.000 And...

00:54:18.000 And I remember somebody goes, Joe, what are you going to do tonight? 0.94

00:54:20.000 And you were like, I think I'm going to get in a horse stance, push my balls into my body, and read Nietzsche with a bandana around my head.

00:54:26.000 I was like, yes, that's my favorite kind of humor.

00:54:33.000 You've got to say it in tents, too.

00:54:34.000 We get in a horse stance.

00:54:35.000 There's a lot of dudes who thought they could do that. 0.99

00:54:37.000 They thought they could pull their balls into their body. 1.00

00:54:39.000 Dude, what are you talking about? 0.99

00:54:41.000 The only person more obsessed with martial arts than you was me. 1.00

00:54:45.000 Can you pull your balls anywhere? 1.00

00:54:46.000 I can't do any movement with my balls. 1.00

00:54:48.000 No, you can't do that. 0.99

00:54:49.000 You have to push them in.

00:54:50.000 Have you ever tried Tantra?

00:54:51.000 You ever tried, like, squeezing your, strengthening your cum muscles so you don't let any cum out?

00:54:57.000 Does that work? 0.80

00:54:58.000 Can you make it stronger? 0.89

00:54:59.000 Look, it's what every guy does who doesn't cum right away, okay? 1.00

00:55:02.000 That's what the fuck. 1.00

00:55:03.000 It's called maturity. 1.00

00:55:04.000 It's learning how to... 0.99

00:55:05.000 I remember being younger and just fucking... 1.00

00:55:07.000 The minute I smelled a girl, I'd cum. 1.00

00:55:09.000 I'd be like, oh, fucking, don't move. 1.00

00:55:11.000 Too late. 0.99

00:55:13.000 Isn't there some sort of a physiological benefit to not orgasming and letting your body assimilate the con?

00:55:20.000 Well, the idea is that fighters, the samurai, the idea is that you can boost your testosterone and apparently the semen goes up your spine.

00:55:30.000 Not true at all.

00:55:31.000 It's not true at all.

00:55:32.000 But believe me, I believed it and used to say it for years.

00:55:35.000 I remember in Techno, we used to not. 0.97

00:55:37.000 We'd go like two weeks without jerking off or getting laid. 0.90

00:55:41.000 I never did that. 0.97

00:55:41.000 It would just make you feel really aggressive. 0.97

00:55:43.000 I wouldn't do that.

00:55:44.000 I tried.

00:55:45.000 I couldn't do it.

00:55:45.000 It was too distracting.

00:55:47.000 Well, on Fight Science, John Brankus, that show, they had guys not have sex for like a week or something, and they measured their testosterone, and then they had them calm and stuff, and there was no difference.

00:55:58.000 They actually have tested a difference, scientifically. 0.99

00:56:02.000 Fight science is not what the fuck they're talking about. 0.96

00:56:03.000 They don't, right? 0.97

00:56:04.000 They've shown there's a physiological difference, but it only lasts for seven days.

00:56:07.000 After seven days, it normalizes.

00:56:09.000 But for seven days, you get a higher level of testosterone. 1.00

00:56:12.000 It's like your body's like, come on, last chance to not be a pussy. 1.00

00:56:14.000 Let's go get some... 1.00

00:56:15.000 Come on, let's go get some.

00:56:16.000 I would think that your body is producing more testosterone to build sperm. 1.00

00:56:21.000 But then again, I'm not a fucking doctor. 1.00

00:56:22.000 Yeah, I think it's also to increase your competitive drive in order to get some more pussy. 1.00

00:56:28.000 It's like your body recognizes that you haven't scored, you haven't tried to reproduce. 0.99

00:56:33.000 So because you haven't tried to reproduce, your body's like, listen, let's fucking amp this gorilla up and get him fired up about this. 0.95

00:56:38.000 And it's probably getting you ready to fight in case another male comes along. 0.98

00:56:41.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:56:42.000 Because pussy's scarce, like in Alaska. 1.00

00:56:44.000 Or Boston. 1.00

00:56:45.000 Where hopefully you and I will be.

00:56:46.000 Yeah, we're going to go. 1.00

00:56:47.000 You're going, motherfucker. 1.00

00:56:48.000 Well, listen, I'm coming hunting with you. 1.00

00:56:51.000 You're coming.

00:56:52.000 Let's move this conversation over to a little show called Pigman. 0.98

00:56:56.000 Pigman. 1.00

00:56:57.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:56:59.000 Talk about that weaponry. 1.00

00:57:00.000 I got 40 of them! 0.99

00:57:02.000 I've talked to Rinella about it and he fucking hates that show. 1.00

00:57:05.000 Steve Rinella, who's the guy who's the host of Meat Eater. 0.98

00:57:08.000 Well, because they're in helicopters, dude.

00:57:10.000 But he's a fair chase hunter.

00:57:11.000 I mean, what he does is, everything he does is like stalking.

00:57:15.000 He stalks his prey.

00:57:16.000 He doesn't wait in a tree stand with a pile of food laying there.

00:57:18.000 He stalks him.

00:57:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:57:20.000 That's who we're going with?

00:57:21.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:57:22.000 Oh, I'm coming.

00:57:22.000 Oh, he's an animal.

00:57:23.000 You know I'm going to Yeah, you gotta go.

00:57:24.000 He's a great guy, too.

00:57:25.000 A very intelligent guy.

00:57:27.000 He's not like your typical, you know, oh, just like hunting.

00:57:31.000 He's a guy who, it's very sacred to him.

00:57:34.000 He went to a ranch once, and they put him in a tree stand, and then he said, well, at 6 a.m., the deer come around, because that's when the feeders open up.

00:57:43.000 And he realized there was electronic feeders, and he's like, I can't do this.

00:57:46.000 He wouldn't do it. 0.96

00:57:47.000 Whereas, like, Ted Nugent just fucking launches arrows through those Yeah, I mean, that's literally target practice. 1.00

00:57:53.000 It's basically pigs. 0.99

00:57:54.000 It's actually domesticated pigs that became feral.

00:57:57.000 Well, the pig man show's different.

00:57:59.000 They're actually quitting that area of a pest, right? 0.97

00:58:02.000 Yeah, they have a real problem with pigs. 0.99

00:58:04.000 And they give the meat to poor people.

00:58:05.000 Yes.

00:58:05.000 Yes, yes.

00:58:06.000 They give the meat to needy families, and it's good meat.

00:58:09.000 It's wild pork.

00:58:10.000 It's delicious.

00:58:11.000 But the pigs are a huge problem.

00:58:14.000 They destroy crops.

00:58:15.000 Spread disease, too.

00:58:16.000 They spread disease, and when they plant the seeds, they go in, they root, and they pull the seeds out of the ground and eat the seeds. 0.99

00:58:22.000 Pigs will eat anything, and they're fucking huge, so they have to eradicate them. 0.99

00:58:27.000 So in Texas, it's legal to hunt them from a Helicopter! 0.99

00:58:31.000 Those guns are unbelievable. 1.00

00:58:35.000 They're just taking these fucking pigs out while the pigs are running. 1.00

00:58:39.000 They're blowing their brains out and the pigs do flips. 1.00

00:58:43.000 They killed 200 pigs plus and 10 coyotes on one show.

00:58:48.000 I like coyotes.

00:58:50.000 Why would you like coyotes?

00:58:52.000 Because...

00:58:52.000 Could you imagine if your baby was outside by itself and a coyote came along?

00:58:55.000 How do you think that would work?

00:58:56.000 My baby's not outside.

00:58:57.000 How do you think that would work?

00:58:58.000 How do you think that would work?

00:58:59.000 I love those questions.

00:59:00.000 The coyote would eat your baby. 0.99

00:59:01.000 Listen, man.

00:59:01.000 Every coyote...

00:59:02.000 Do you want lions near your baby? 1.00

00:59:03.000 ...to go fuck himself. 1.00

00:59:05.000 Every coyote that ever lived, I will put a bullet in his fucking brain if I catch my mouth. 1.00

00:59:08.000 No, no, no. 1.00

00:59:09.000 They have great pack structures. 1.00

00:59:10.000 They're cunts. 0.99

00:59:10.000 Good hunters. 0.99

00:59:12.000 Baby-eating cocksuckers, each and every one of them. 1.00

00:59:17.000 People make up anything to fucking kill something like, they eat babies, I have proof. 1.00

00:59:22.000 You leave a baby alone, a coyote will fucking eat it. 1.00

00:59:24.000 There's a coyote show where we kill guys called Killing Baby Killers. 1.00

00:59:28.000 That would be a satisfying show if you just left a baby in a pen in the middle of a street and the coyotes just come around and you pick them off with sniper rifles. 0.94

00:59:35.000 Like, hey, he deserves it. 1.00

00:59:36.000 This motherfucker's gonna eat the baby. 1.00

00:59:39.000 He's coming for the baby. 1.00

00:59:40.000 What do you want me to do here?

00:59:43.000 Oh, that's good.

00:59:44.000 Yeah, I'm not into coyotes, man.

00:59:46.000 Look, when your dog gets eaten by a mountain lion, you have a different perspective.

00:59:51.000 Get a pit bull! 1.00

00:59:52.000 Oh, I haven't had those before.

00:59:54.000 Yeah, pit bulls are great. 0.81

00:59:55.000 How about when you come home and one of them killed the other one?

00:59:57.000 Yeah, that was a lot of fun.

00:59:59.000 My living room was a puddle of blood.

01:00:00.000 That's the dog I told you to adopt.

01:00:02.000 She was a coffee table. 0.99

01:00:04.000 Yeah, she was a killer. 0.99

01:00:05.000 Coffee table with teeth. 1.00

01:00:06.000 She was a crocodile with foot-long legs. 1.00

01:00:08.000 She was actually a crocodile. 0.94

01:00:09.000 She had a crocodile head. 1.00

01:00:11.000 She was clearly a half crocodile. 0.98

01:00:14.000 Sweetest dog I've ever had.

01:00:14.000 I go, hey.

01:00:16.000 Loved her. 0.93

01:00:16.000 This is when we were completely retarded. 0.93

01:00:18.000 I was like, hey, get down here now.

01:00:21.000 I knew because I could adopt him because I had a female.

01:00:24.000 She was so sweet, too.

01:00:25.000 And you were like, I'm taking her!

01:00:26.000 That dog loved me.

01:00:27.000 That was the problem.

01:00:28.000 She loved me and she didn't want the other dogs around because they would get some of my love, too.

01:00:31.000 She was devastating, too, when she'd fight.

01:00:33.000 She would fight to the death.

01:00:34.000 She was ready to fight to the death over you petting another dog. 1.00

01:00:36.000 Did she ever fight Frank?

01:00:37.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:39.000 Only people who fight other males, like male females fight. 0.98

01:00:42.000 Yeah, it's bad.

01:00:43.000 It was bad.

01:00:44.000 I had to put them both down.

01:00:46.000 I had to put Frank down too. 1.00

01:00:47.000 You get tired of that shit, right? 1.00

01:00:48.000 They both try to kill each other. 1.00

01:00:49.000 It was horrible.

01:00:50.000 And I couldn't trust him.

01:00:52.000 Frank was devastated after it was over.

01:00:53.000 She won.

01:00:54.000 She beat the male. 1.00

01:00:55.000 She did?

01:00:55.000 Yep.

01:00:56.000 Yeah, I left him for dead. 1.00

01:00:57.000 He was all fucked up. 1.00

01:00:58.000 Oh, really? 1.00

01:00:58.000 He was in the hospital for weeks. 1.00

01:01:00.000 Yeah.

01:01:00.000 Oh, man.

01:01:01.000 I never thought that they would fight.

01:01:02.000 I never thought the male and the female.

01:01:03.000 I would separate the females, but I never thought the male would fight with the female. 0.99

01:01:06.000 And they fought.

01:01:07.000 You know what they fought over?

01:01:07.000 The pool guy.

01:01:08.000 The pool guy came over to clean the pool.

01:01:10.000 And they started barking.

01:01:11.000 They were petting.

01:01:11.000 The pool guy pet one of them.

01:01:13.000 And she would fight Frank if she wasn't getting pet.

01:01:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:18.000 Well, she got fucked up, man. 1.00

01:01:19.000 When she was in that pen or in the pound for a while, she was fucked up. 1.00

01:01:23.000 Because it was one of those shelters where they didn't kill the animal. 0.99

01:01:25.000 They kept the animal all around.

01:01:26.000 And she was a fighting dog before that. 1.00

01:01:28.000 So she was a fighting dog, and then all of a sudden she's in the pound.

01:01:31.000 And then all of a sudden she's at this house, and this guy's super sweet to her and loves her and pets her and feeds her food. 1.00

01:01:35.000 And she said, these other dogs, you better get the fuck away from her. 1.00

01:01:37.000 Yeah, I don't want to lose this. 1.00

01:01:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:01:39.000 And it was...

01:01:40.000 She would have been a great pet by her own, but with other dogs, she was too crazy. 0.90

01:01:44.000 You need to meet them alone, usually.

01:01:44.000 That's my experience.

01:01:45.000 I've always had...

01:01:46.000 I had two pit bulls for years, and I've had different sets of them, and they just try to kill each other.

01:01:51.000 Dude, I would always talk to you.

01:01:52.000 I got so good at getting...

01:01:54.000 like choking them out.

01:01:55.000 Yeah.

01:01:55.000 Off each other.

01:01:56.000 But they'd be fighting, and one time I was on a date, and Piggy and my fucking German shepherd, this working dog, this badass fucking dog, okay, that I found this kennel. 0.99

01:02:11.000 It was a long line of just nothing but IPO and schutzum sport dogs. 0.98

01:02:14.000 This dog was a fucking wolf, and by the way, had knockout drag out fights with my dog Piggy, who was a pure pit bull and a fighting dog. 0.99

01:02:23.000 And this dog held her own no problem. 1.00

01:02:25.000 Meanwhile, I'm on a date.

01:02:27.000 What do you mean?

01:02:27.000 Why would you let them find out?

01:02:29.000 How do you know that they helped their own?

01:02:30.000 I thought they were two females. 1.00

01:02:31.000 Were you there when it happened?

01:02:33.000 Oh, dude, what would happen was I'd come home, and it looked like Vietnam.

01:02:36.000 There'd be fur everywhere, blood everywhere, and they'd both be like, and basically half dead.

01:02:42.000 I'd rush them to the vet.

01:02:43.000 They'd be like, that'll be $5,000 to each case.

01:02:45.000 Yeah, they're all cut up.

01:02:45.000 I was like, ah!

01:02:47.000 Literally, and so when they'd fight sometimes, I was on a date, this girl, beautiful girl, I remember, and all of a sudden I just hear, and I come running out, and all I think is vet bills, and they'd just gotten out of their cones.

01:02:58.000 They used to walk around, they looked like Nixon and a baseball combined.

01:03:01.000 They literally just looked like jowls and like stitches, Oh, because what you're saying is they'd swole up.

01:03:08.000 Swole up.

01:03:08.000 They had to shave them.

01:03:09.000 And then they'd have these crazy stitches on these shaved heads and necks and just swollen with these jowls. 1.00

01:03:16.000 It was awful.

01:03:17.000 Yeah, the jowls because their face gets swollen.

01:03:18.000 I'd have to train in. 1.00

01:03:19.000 They had to have the fucking pills. 1.00

01:03:20.000 And they were in these cones and knocking everything over. 0.99

01:03:23.000 And so they get in a fight, and I was in the front yard for 20 minutes trying to break them up, because I'd choke one off, then that one would lose consciousness, and then the other one would get a hold of it, and then I'd have to choke that one off, the other one would get a hold of it.

01:03:34.000 20 minutes, and my hands, and my buddy came home, Bob, my buddy came home and actually helped me break them up. 0.91

01:03:40.000 20 minutes later, we're all fucked up. 0.96

01:03:42.000 My hands were so, I'd been trying to fight them so badly, I was literally fighting for my life. 0.66

01:03:48.000 In the future.

01:03:48.000 My hands didn't work for a week.

01:03:50.000 Well, you're a pussy. 1.00

01:03:51.000 Garden hose. 1.00

01:03:53.000 Ah, dude, what?

01:03:54.000 Separate some.

01:03:55.000 Oh, really?

01:03:56.000 Tried it many times with my dogs, and they were like, ah, this is just cooling us down.

01:04:00.000 In their face? 0.52

01:04:01.000 In their mouth! 0.66

01:04:02.000 Really? 0.93

01:04:02.000 In their mouth. 0.93

01:04:03.000 Guess what?

01:04:03.000 I talked to the trainer.

01:04:05.000 He goes, yeah. 0.98

01:04:06.000 Sometimes when you do that, some dogs think that the other dog is doing it to them, and so they fucking go harder. 0.96

01:04:11.000 Yeah, I had both those dogs. 0.84

01:04:13.000 Did you have a brake stick?

01:04:14.000 It didn't matter because they'd be holding on to each other.

01:04:15.000 Do you remember when we went to that guy's house who raised fighting pit bulls and you got one of his puppies?

01:04:21.000 Yeah, because the advertisement said, this is how retarded Joe and I were.

01:04:24.000 The advertisement said, pit bulls, there's no bull in our pits.

01:04:28.000 Bread right out of the box.

01:04:29.000 Joe and I were like, fighting dog! 1.00

01:04:32.000 We're in your stupid, like, impossibly fast Acura or some shit, and we're just... 1.00

01:04:37.000 We drive forever out there. 1.00

01:04:40.000 This guy's clearly a dogfighter slash criminal slash whatever.

01:04:44.000 No doubt. 1.00

01:04:44.000 Serial killer. 1.00

01:04:45.000 And I buy this dog, even as a puppy, wouldn't let go of your shoelaces.

01:04:49.000 And it really looked like a beagle.

01:04:51.000 It was really weird.

01:04:52.000 It was a small dog.

01:04:53.000 Yeah.

01:04:53.000 So anyway, Brian can't take this dog.

01:04:56.000 He has the dog for a little while, but it's just too much work.

01:04:58.000 He's really irresponsible.

01:05:00.000 So he gives the dog to his friend on the farm.

01:05:02.000 And what does the dog do?

01:05:04.000 Well, my friend called me and goes, hey Brian, your dog's no longer with us.

01:05:06.000 I go, what?

01:05:07.000 He goes, yeah, I had to shoot it.

01:05:09.000 I said, why?

01:05:10.000 He goes, oh, I don't know.

01:05:11.000 Well, let's see.

01:05:12.000 Got a hold of the baby cow, and then, well, no, I'm sorry, let me start again.

01:05:16.000 It killed one goat, then another goat, and that goat got caught up in its rope, and then started bleeding as it died, and then the cow started moving, so the dog was like, oh, baby cow!

01:05:29.000 Grabbed on to that!

01:05:30.000 Then the German Shepherd came out to protect the cow and your dog broke both its legs.

01:05:36.000 Okay?

01:05:36.000 Its pine legs.

01:05:37.000 And he said, and I had a 55 pound dog that looked like it was 100 pounds.

01:05:42.000 It was so full of blood.

01:05:42.000 It was just so swollen with blood lust.

01:05:45.000 And he said, I'd never seen anything like it.

01:05:47.000 He couldn't get it off.

01:05:47.000 Then after the German Shepherd goes back to the cow, the baby cow.

01:05:51.000 So my buddy is trying to get it off the baby cow.

01:05:53.000 Yeah, you have a real responsibility when you have a dog like that.

01:05:56.000 Those dogs, they have too much of a history of bloodlust.

01:06:01.000 It's too hard for them to break. 0.78

01:06:02.000 Great with people, terrible watchdogs, but hell on wheels with four legs.

01:06:06.000 They're great with people.

01:06:07.000 If you have a dog like that, you have to have it in a secure yard, and you have to be with it all the time, because otherwise you've got a monster.

01:06:13.000 You use them to hunt boar or fight other dogs.

01:06:16.000 That's what pimples are.

01:06:17.000 By the way, that's also Pigman.

01:06:18.000 You ever see when they hunt them that way?

01:06:20.000 They hold them down with the dogs and then they cut the thing's neck. 0.99

01:06:23.000 It's not as crazy as watching the helicopter shit. 1.00

01:06:27.000 The helicopter thing was insane. 1.00

01:06:29.000 It's a whole show too.

01:06:30.000 It's a whole half hour show.

01:06:31.000 Those are military style weapons.

01:06:33.000 This is an M4 with a fully automatic.

01:06:37.000 When they hit the pigs and the pigs were running and then they would do the somersaults when they would like brain them and then the pigs would go face down into the mud and flip. 0.99

01:06:46.000 It's pretty fucking nuts, man. 0.99

01:06:48.000 One pig, they get to this one pig, this giant boar, and he fucking turns, stops running, and faces the helicopter. 1.00

01:06:56.000 Like, face down the helicopter. 0.99

01:06:58.000 That's a badass.

01:06:58.000 I let him live.

01:06:58.000 Look at this motherfucker.

01:07:00.000 No way. 1.00

01:07:01.000 They opened up on him.

01:07:02.000 Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. 0.99

01:07:03.000 And then you see him twitching and kicking and shit. 0.99

01:07:06.000 They got him in the water. 0.99

01:07:07.000 Some of them went in the water.

01:07:08.000 I know, I saw that.

01:07:09.000 And as they're in the water, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

01:07:10.000 You see their heads explode in the water.

01:07:13.000 This is the most carnage I have ever seen on television. 0.99

01:07:16.000 This is fucking crazy to watch. 0.99

01:07:18.000 Yeah, it is. 1.00

01:07:18.000 And they're fucking rednecks, so they're hooting and hollering while they're pigments. 1.00

01:07:22.000 Ted Nugent was like, people think it should be illegal. 1.00

01:07:25.000 It should be illegal not to do it.

01:07:26.000 He's not exactly a middle-of-the-road guy.

01:07:29.000 You don't kill 100 pigs before breakfast. 0.99

01:07:31.000 You're a communist. 1.00

01:07:34.000 Just fucking shooting at them out of this. 1.00

01:07:38.000 He was having a great time. 1.00

01:07:39.000 Yeah, he was like, if I come out with too many bullets, Mrs. Nugent will divorce me.

01:07:43.000 I was in Portugal and I saw a bull fight.

01:07:45.000 And I was surprised at my own reaction.

01:07:46.000 I got really mad at how they were treating that bull.

01:07:49.000 It made me feel really bad for the bull. 1.00

01:07:50.000 And I was fucking actively rooting for it to kill one of those guys. 1.00

01:07:53.000 Well, they do every now and then. 1.00

01:07:55.000 Yeah, they do.

01:07:56.000 The last one when the guy went through his eye.

01:07:57.000 I don't like hurting an animal. 1.00

01:07:58.000 If you're going to kill it, just shoot it. 1.00

01:08:00.000 Don't hurt it. 1.00

01:08:00.000 You've seen the horn where the horn goes through the guy's eye? 1.00

01:08:02.000 That's the craziest shit I've ever seen in my life. 0.98

01:08:04.000 Oh, by the way, I believe he came back and couldn't fight anymore, but he fought a symbolic thing and they were all cheering for him. 1.00

01:08:12.000 Jesus Christ.

01:08:12.000 That's a badass.

01:08:13.000 If you want to read the definitive book on bullfighting, it's really worth it.

01:08:17.000 It's called Death in the Afternoon by Ernest Hemingway.

01:08:21.000 It's an amazing book.

01:08:22.000 One guy had it through his mouth, through his lower jaw, and coming out of his mouth.

01:08:27.000 Those guys, that's a badass sport.

01:08:30.000 It's not a sport.

01:08:31.000 It's a crazy custom that you couldn't invent today.

01:08:35.000 It's one of those things like circumcision where you could invent it today.

01:08:39.000 Do you know that the law in Spain, you're not allowed to approach a fighting bull on foot?

01:08:44.000 As a human being, you have to approach it either on bicycle or in a car or in a motorcycle.

01:08:48.000 Why?

01:08:49.000 Because those fighting bulls are smart enough.

01:08:51.000 They watch how you move and they learn very quickly.

01:08:55.000 They learn very quickly.

01:08:56.000 So the first time a bull in a ring sees a man, it's the first time he's ever seen a man on two feet.

01:09:02.000 Right.

01:09:02.000 He doesn't know how it moves.

01:09:04.000 And there's a whole thing that they do with that.

01:09:06.000 Yeah, that's important.

01:09:07.000 You don't want to have that uneven fight.

01:09:09.000 Do you know they used to pit lions and also bears with bulls?

01:09:14.000 Sure, bear baiting.

01:09:15.000 Guess who won every one of those fights?

01:09:17.000 Pit bulls? 0.67

01:09:18.000 No, the bulls.

01:09:18.000 I mean the bulls.

01:09:19.000 When they'd have bulls against a lion or bulls against a bear.

01:09:22.000 Oh.

01:09:23.000 Bulls won every time.

01:09:24.000 Bulls beat lions?

01:09:25.000 Every time.

01:09:25.000 Jesus Christ.

01:09:26.000 Every fucking time. 1.00

01:09:27.000 That's what Hemingway says. 1.00

01:09:30.000 You're not fucking with a... 0.98

01:09:33.000 They can lift a horse. 0.99

01:09:34.000 Speaking of which, speaking of which, did you see the YouTube video of the bull elephant that took the Mack truck, got under it with his tusks because he was mad at the Mack truck because he fell out of it, and flipped that shit over? 0.98

01:09:47.000 He fell out of the truck. 0.99

01:09:48.000 Yeah, they were trying to load him on the truck, I guess, and he fell out of it and was like, fuck this. 0.98

01:09:53.000 And he got under that Mack truck, and it's a real Mack truck, and flipped it. 0.97

01:10:00.000 So, turned it right over on its side.

01:10:02.000 So, if you have any questions about how strong...

01:10:04.000 By the way, they weigh 10,000 pounds.

01:10:07.000 A bull elephant weighs 10,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen.

01:10:11.000 Jesus Christ.

01:10:12.000 Is that big enough for you?

01:10:14.000 I wonder who would win, an elephant or a bull.

01:10:16.000 And they're really smart. 1.00

01:10:17.000 You can train them to do all kinds of crazy shit. 0.99

01:10:19.000 Well, what's really smart about them is their memory. 0.99

01:10:21.000 They can see another elephant, which all looks the same to us, but they don't see it for 10 years, and then they run into it, and they run towards each other and hug each other.

01:10:29.000 They can do that with humans, too.

01:10:30.000 That's crazy, man.

01:10:31.000 They know who you are, and they don't like certain people.

01:10:33.000 And I was in the San Diego Zoo, and I was watching them.

01:10:35.000 We paid extra to go and see them, how they clean them, and how they teach them to give them your hoof so you can check them and stuff.

01:10:42.000 But they always have a barrier.

01:10:44.000 They're no joke.

01:10:45.000 There's no video.

01:10:47.000 Is there a...

01:10:49.000 It's gotta be.

01:10:50.000 Yeah, there's no...

01:10:51.000 Put elephant, I think, flipping Mack truck or something.

01:10:54.000 Yeah, that's what I just put in.

01:10:56.000 Or flipping truck.

01:10:57.000 Elephant versus truck.

01:10:59.000 Elephant...

01:10:59.000 I had to do it for...

01:11:02.000 I did it for TruTV.

01:11:05.000 They sent it to me.

01:11:06.000 Oh, really?

01:11:07.000 Yeah.

01:11:08.000 Well, what is it?

01:11:09.000 They sent me the DVD. What is a true TV? It was like a show or something?

01:11:13.000 I do this thing called World's Dumbest.

01:11:16.000 Oh, like one of those VH1 things where you make fun of people?

01:11:19.000 Yeah, and they just have comments, like making comments and stuff.

01:11:21.000 That stuff's on the way out.

01:11:23.000 You think so?

01:11:24.000 Yeah, TV's on the way out.

01:11:25.000 It's doing well, though. 0.92

01:11:26.000 All those silly shows are on the way out.

01:11:28.000 What do you think is going to replace it? 0.95

01:11:29.000 The internet.

01:11:30.000 Yeah.

01:11:31.000 What's that mean for us?

01:11:33.000 I don't know.

01:11:33.000 It means that our podcast, Man Thoughts at Brian Callen...

01:11:36.000 I've got to come up with t-shirts.

01:11:37.000 That's what you're calling it now?

01:11:37.000 Man Thoughts?

01:11:38.000 Yeah, Man Thoughts.

01:11:39.000 You changed it from the Brian Callen show to Man Thoughts?

01:11:42.000 Yeah, I can label it now.

01:11:43.000 Oh, you couldn't label it?

01:11:44.000 The Brian Callen show before?

01:11:45.000 Yeah, not as much.

01:11:46.000 This is more specific and it's kind of what I think about.

01:11:49.000 And Man Thoughts can comprise a lot of different things.

01:11:52.000 But I'm trying to think of what...

01:11:53.000 I've got to make some t-shirts that I would wear...

01:11:57.000 Because, you know, I don't know.

01:11:58.000 Not that I even want to sell them.

01:12:00.000 I'm just going to...

01:12:01.000 I'm particular about my t-shirts. 0.92

01:12:03.000 How about just little tiny cocks? 1.00

01:12:05.000 There you go. 0.97

01:12:06.000 Little tiny ones. 0.99

01:12:06.000 A sea of cocks. 0.99

01:12:07.000 How about an image, a really cool image, an image of Ronald Reagan, but it's all made out of cocks? 1.00

01:12:12.000 No, I should have called my podcast cocks. 0.98

01:12:14.000 Cox? 0.94

01:12:15.000 Yeah, why not? 1.00

01:12:16.000 Dick. 0.99

01:12:16.000 Cock. 0.99

01:12:18.000 That's a funny name for a company. 0.99

01:12:21.000 Dick. 0.99

01:12:22.000 Cock. 0.99

01:12:23.000 But doesn't someone have Dick House or something like that?

01:12:26.000 Yeah, that's...

01:12:27.000 Johnny Knoxville.

01:12:28.000 Johnny Knoxville, yeah.

01:12:29.000 Yeah.

01:12:30.000 Yeah, my buddy's doing a movie with him.

01:12:33.000 Yeah, you can get away with that.

01:12:34.000 It's weird.

01:12:35.000 Like, you could...

01:12:36.000 I watched CNN the other day, and there's a band in Russia called Pussy Riot. 0.95

01:12:41.000 Pussy Riot. 0.98

01:12:42.000 And Pussy Riot. 1.00

01:12:43.000 Yeah, that's right. 0.99

01:12:43.000 They broke into a church. 0.99

01:12:45.000 Yeah, they got arrested.

01:12:45.000 They got arrested.

01:12:46.000 Two years in jail.

01:12:47.000 Yeah, they got sentenced to like two years in jail.

01:12:50.000 And so everybody was having a demonstration. 0.93

01:12:53.000 They had these giant signs that said, Free Pussy Riot. 0.99

01:12:56.000 Ha ha ha. 0.77

01:12:57.000 And here CNN is showing this on CNN. And I'm sitting in front of the TV and these giant signs say Free Pussy Riot. 0.97

01:13:06.000 And I'm like, wow, that's hilarious. 0.99

01:13:08.000 Like, what a weird loophole.

01:13:09.000 By the way. 0.93

01:13:10.000 Because they called it Pussy Riot, they have to show what these guys are. 0.99

01:13:15.000 That's blatantly obscene. 0.99

01:13:17.000 Yeah, it is. 0.99

01:13:18.000 Free Pussy Riot. 0.99

01:13:19.000 But it's on the news. 0.97

01:13:20.000 You know, I was on a plane one time, and the guy started having an argument with the stewardess before we took off.

01:13:27.000 All of a sudden, he's just saying, he's not being a dick, he's just saying some things like, well, I'm not trying to cause a problem here, you know, I'm going to cause a riot, whatever.

01:13:35.000 And so next thing you know, marshals are on the plane. 0.84

01:13:38.000 They take him off the plane.

01:13:40.000 What's going on?

01:13:41.000 Well, you're not allowed to use the word riot.

01:13:44.000 We have certain trigger words that we have to report because you could have been a terrorist.

01:13:49.000 You were trying to incite violence. 1.00

01:13:51.000 This is the kind of fucking bureaucratic shit we deal with. 1.00

01:13:53.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:13:54.000 That's what happens when you have these blanket laws and these absolute rules. 1.00

01:13:58.000 There's too many fucking laws. 0.99

01:13:59.000 There's too much ridiculous going on. 1.00

01:14:01.000 Do you know how many pages the... 0.96

01:14:02.000 And I'm reading a book about it.

01:14:03.000 I think it's not such a bad law.

01:14:05.000 There's a lot to like about it.

01:14:06.000 But do you know how many pages the Obamacare Act is?

01:14:08.000 Do you know how many pages when you get the bill?

01:14:10.000 2,400.

01:14:12.000 No, who reads it?

01:14:14.000 Nobody.

01:14:14.000 Thank you.

01:14:16.000 You also don't read the clauses you put in there.

01:14:20.000 Who reads it?

01:14:22.000 A handful of reporters from the New York Post who put out a book called Landmark that I'm reading now that really explains what the Obamacare bill does and what it means for us.

01:14:32.000 Wasn't that the thing about bills, that they'll sneak shit in that has almost nothing to do with the name of the bill, just so that they can get it in, stuff they've been trying to get in before?

01:14:41.000 Yes, my father said the best thing about it. 0.58

01:14:43.000 My father said, Washington, he spent a lot of time on Capitol Hill, and he said, and this is a podcast, he goes, Washington is in the business of intent.

01:14:52.000 What that means is that you have a bill.

01:14:54.000 You want to create universal health care.

01:14:56.000 You want to do whatever.

01:14:57.000 You know, these are good ideas.

01:14:58.000 That is the intention.

01:15:00.000 What happens with a Goliath, a Goliath like the federal government, is that there are so many vested interests that find their way into that law.

01:15:12.000 So if you want me to vote for it, that's fine.

01:15:15.000 You've got to do something for my constituency.

01:15:17.000 Which means I've got to put this clause in page 500. Nobody's going to read it anyway, don't worry about it.

01:15:21.000 And before you know it, that law that passed, just like the marijuana laws, there is a cottage industry that grows up around those laws, that have a vested interest in keeping that law, no matter whether it makes sense or not.

01:15:33.000 And that's what happens.

01:15:35.000 That's all of a sudden, everybody's drinking out of the government trough.

01:15:38.000 It comes down to a very simple question.

01:15:40.000 It's not Republican or Democrat.

01:15:41.000 This is why you say, do you want the majority of our resources in Washington under this massive roof?

01:15:49.000 Or does it make sense to spread the resources somewhere else?

01:15:53.000 That's the big question.

01:15:54.000 And I happen to believe it's better to keep resources out of Washington because something that big can't help but create The real problem is you can't untangle it now.

01:16:04.000 Everybody's got their hand in.

01:16:05.000 Do you know the kind of tax breaks pharmaceutical companies get because they own the FDA? Nobody else can break into the drug business.

01:16:15.000 You know why?

01:16:16.000 Because they own the scientists basically that say, Yea or nay. 0.94

01:16:20.000 It takes, what, 12 or 13 years to get a drug patent?

01:16:23.000 You've got to go through all the tests.

01:16:25.000 And their scientists go, wait a minute, you've got to be very careful.

01:16:28.000 They all take money from Pfizer, etc.

01:16:30.000 Yeah, of course.

01:16:31.000 Well, that's what we were talking about before the podcast when it came to our hemp force protein. 0.99

01:16:36.000 We have to buy all of our hemp in Canada because the pharmaceutical companies have bribed these fucking corrupt politicians and made sure that it's illegal. 0.98

01:16:45.000 The federal government, by the way, the state government voted for it. 0.98

01:16:50.000 And the whole thing is supposed to be that states are allowed to make their own laws.

01:16:55.000 The federal government is not supposed to interfere with things along these lines. 0.99

01:16:58.000 And they don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:17:00.000 They'll put you in jail if you just grow hemp, which is a cousin of marijuana. 0.99

01:17:04.000 Let me tell you another story that's really interesting.

01:17:06.000 A friend of mine unfortunately has pancreatic cancer.

01:17:08.000 I lost my other friend to it about three months ago but suddenly my friend's mom, stepmom has it and And she went to a doctor.

01:17:17.000 The doctor gave her a chemo protocol, just like with my friend who was given a chemo protocol.

01:17:22.000 And these are very good doctors at a very well-renowned hospital.

01:17:26.000 And the drugs cost a fortune.

01:17:29.000 It wasn't working that well.

01:17:31.000 They finally get into the most famous doctor in the world for pancreatic cancer at UCLA, whose chemo protocol extends a lot of lives, way beyond what you're supposed to do with pancreatic cancer.

01:17:44.000 He said, basically, he said, why are you on this?

01:17:46.000 He said, oh, I'm going to change your chemo and it's going to be a lot cheaper.

01:17:50.000 And they said, what do you mean?

01:17:51.000 He said, well, Eli Whitney put out something that cost $30,000 a year, but it was the exact same thing as the generic drug or whatever the other chemo was that was $300 a year.

01:18:03.000 But Eli Whitney claimed it was better.

01:18:06.000 So every doctor to this day, I'm going to just follow me, every doctor to this day prescribes the Eli Whitney drug, which is 30 times more expensive.

01:18:15.000 Now, ready?

01:18:16.000 The Eli Whitney was challenged in court. 1.00

01:18:19.000 This doctor was one of the people to say, it's bullshit. 0.99

01:18:22.000 It is actually not as effective. 0.99

01:18:24.000 This one, which is much cheaper, it's been around much longer, it's just as effective.

01:18:28.000 Eli Whitney paid a fine for it.

01:18:30.000 It was worth it to Eli Whitney to pay that fine and be dishonest because people still, they're not following all the tort laws, they're not following all the cases.

01:18:40.000 Doctors all over the country still prescribe the Eli Whitney drug even though it is not as good as the one they could because they don't know anybody better because they thought, because Eli Whitney hired this huge marketing campaign, they thought that's the drug to do now.

01:18:55.000 The real problem is that nobody calls them on it.

01:18:57.000 That's right.

01:18:58.000 Well, even if you do, it costs them $20 million when they make billions of dollars.

01:19:02.000 So, again, these are massive companies that have basically hired who they want to defend them and behave inappropriately.

01:19:13.000 I'm not saying all Big Pharma's bad.

01:19:15.000 I'm not saying everybody's there.

01:19:16.000 I think anytime you have four major players and nobody can get into your fucking industry, it's not good for capitalism, it's not capitalism, it's not a free market, and it's not good for our health, and it's not good for humanity as a whole. 0.77

01:19:30.000 So that's what it is. 0.92

01:19:31.000 The real problem is how do you untangle it?

01:19:34.000 I mean, there's so much money invested in keeping government exactly the way it is.

01:19:38.000 There's only one way.

01:19:38.000 How is that?

01:19:39.000 You've got to starve government.

01:19:40.000 Now, that's where the libertarian notion of the Cato Institute basically says there's a responsible tax law.

01:19:45.000 You have to have some taxes.

01:19:48.000 But the only way we're ever going to get out of this and not become...

01:19:53.000 Western Europe or worse, is by starving that massive leviathan of resources.

01:20:00.000 Yeah, it is a problem when you create a bunch of different government jobs.

01:20:04.000 Like, you know, there's a lot of people that rally to keep drugs illegal, and one of them is the unions that control guards.

01:20:12.000 Yeah, prison guard unions.

01:20:12.000 Prison guard unions, and they spend a lot of money from their dues that they get from their workers in order to keep drug laws the same, because that's what keeps them working.

01:20:21.000 And what's bolstering the argument is not a philosophy.

01:20:23.000 It is self-interest.

01:20:25.000 Yes, absolutely self-interest.

01:20:26.000 And it's scary that that works.

01:20:28.000 It's scary that that would be allowed.

01:20:30.000 It's scary that that doesn't prompt some... 0.98

01:20:32.000 I mean, if you were an insider trading guy and you just knew that some company was about to go under and you got rid of your stock, you could go to fucking jail for that. 0.93

01:20:41.000 How come you can't go to jail for that? 0.96

01:20:44.000 How come you can't go to jail because you are working to keep drug laws, which everybody has shown are ridiculous and most people believe are completely ridiculous despite the massive amount of propaganda.

01:20:58.000 What you do, the way you do it, is you get yourself informed, get yourself informed, get yourself organized.

01:21:04.000 And what happens is it takes a long time, but pretty soon more and more people start to say, even if I don't smoke weed, this is a ridiculous law that's put so many people in jail for a long, long time.

01:21:17.000 Not only at taxpayer expense, it's ruined families and everything else.

01:21:21.000 And when are we going to come to our senses and realize that this should not be illegal?

01:21:27.000 And if you get enough people behind a politician, things start to change.

01:21:31.000 The way you do it, though, is through information.

01:21:34.000 And also, my biggest problem with government now is I don't feel like I'm represented.

01:21:38.000 I just feel like...

01:21:39.000 Well, you're not.

01:21:40.000 No one is anymore.

01:21:42.000 I mean, Obama's not even represented.

01:21:44.000 That's where special interests are.

01:21:46.000 That's the problem.

01:21:47.000 They're supposed to cancel each other out and they're not.

01:21:49.000 Yeah, him as a human, he's not represented. 0.97

01:21:51.000 I don't think that guy has any say in what the fuck happens. 0.97

01:21:54.000 I really don't. 1.00

01:21:54.000 I think the whole thing is completely ridiculous. 1.00

01:21:56.000 Well, he can't do a thing without Congress. 0.88

01:21:57.000 I mean, you know, that's not necessarily bad.

01:21:59.000 I mean, but you don't necessarily want a president to have too much power.

01:22:02.000 But the president sets the agenda.

01:22:04.000 And the President's responsibility is always going to set the agenda, but also, at the end of the day, there are a lot of decisions where he's presented with six different options from six different interest groups, and he's got to make a decision and piss off the other five.

01:22:18.000 Yeah, but he's...

01:22:19.000 Don't chew in front of the camera, bro. 0.97

01:22:21.000 That's disgusting. 0.71

01:22:23.000 I know.

01:22:24.000 I looked at that pickle, and I was like, I've got to help.

01:22:26.000 You can't do that.

01:22:26.000 You can't chew on a microphone.

01:22:28.000 I know.

01:22:29.000 It's a little obnoxious.

01:22:29.000 The United States won't tolerate that.

01:22:31.000 They won't take that?

01:22:32.000 The NSA won't? 1.00

01:22:33.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:22:35.000 William Binney is this guy who's the NSA mathematician that I was telling you about earlier. 0.99

01:22:40.000 I've been obsessed with this guy since we had David Seaman on Monday, who's a congressional candidate in Florida.

01:22:47.000 And this former NSA director, after 9-11, this guy is a mathematician, you know, one of the world's renowned mathematicians.

01:22:58.000 And what he did was create a method for the government to track dangerous individuals and track people.

01:23:08.000 But it turned out that the government just used it openly on everyone.

01:23:12.000 And so he had to leave.

01:23:14.000 What a surprise. 0.97

01:23:15.000 They just decided to just, literally, every phone call that you make, if this guy's correct, and he is the guy who fucking coded this shit, if every phone call that you make, every text message you make, every email you make, goes into a database, and the government is in Utah building a gigantic structure that will literally house everything you do, say, watch online, all your internet history, all that shit will be stored. 0.96

01:23:39.000 So if they ever want to just... 0.98

01:23:42.000 Anything they want to know about you, all they have to do is just pull that shit up. 0.98

01:23:46.000 Guys, if you want to see somebody who really sat around and thought about this stuff and made the argument for why that's not good, just YouTube Milton Friedman. 0.99

01:23:54.000 Before that, let's not get people confused.

01:23:57.000 Let's have people just check out this story.

01:24:00.000 The guy's name is Binney.

01:24:01.000 B-I-N-N-E-Y. Just go and read up on this because this alone is going to fuck with your head. 1.00

01:24:11.000 What are they doing out there? 0.97

01:24:12.000 It's important.

01:24:13.000 Chopping wood?

01:24:14.000 No.

01:24:14.000 You hear that banging?

01:24:15.000 Yeah.

01:24:16.000 It's like someone's got a drum. 1.00

01:24:17.000 Fucking wives. 1.00

01:24:18.000 That's probably what it is. 1.00

01:24:18.000 Don't you think they could keep the kids from banging on a drum in the hallway? 1.00

01:24:21.000 No, that's passive aggressive shit right there, buddy. 1.00

01:24:24.000 That's what that is. 0.99

01:24:25.000 They don't like the fact that we're in here having fun while they're out there with the kids screaming.

01:24:29.000 You know what my mother used to do to get my father to get back to my dad for years, the household I grew up in. 0.98

01:24:34.000 My dad would always travel and pain the ass, a lot of pressure and everything else. 0.97

01:24:37.000 My mother would, she'd always have part of the house being worked on by men. 1.00

01:24:41.000 She'd just have part of the house always not in repair. 1.00

01:24:44.000 Women love that shit. 1.00

01:24:45.000 And my father would be in a bad mood and wouldn't know why. 1.00

01:24:47.000 My mother's like, oh, I'm just having the kitchen redone for the second time.

01:24:51.000 Yeah, always.

01:24:52.000 They love doing that.

01:24:53.000 They love it.

01:24:54.000 They love, like, changing things.

01:24:56.000 Well, because they're not, they don't have, yeah.

01:24:57.000 Change the wall.

01:24:58.000 They're nesting.

01:24:58.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:25:00.000 It's different.

01:25:00.000 Like, you could live in a log cabin easy, right?

01:25:03.000 What?

01:25:03.000 Me too.

01:25:04.000 When I was in college, it was three guys, okay?

01:25:05.000 We didn't do the dishes for one month.

01:25:08.000 We had sprouts growing out of the drain for real, okay?

01:25:12.000 Finally, then my girlfriend came over. 0.96

01:25:13.000 She was, like, so appalled.

01:25:14.000 She goes, I have to clean this.

01:25:15.000 I can't take it.

01:25:16.000 I can't be around here.

01:25:17.000 It smells like a greenhouse.

01:25:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:20.000 I mean, you know, guys are pigs. 0.98

01:25:23.000 Folks, so this Benny guy, there's YouTube videos if you don't want to sit and read something. 0.98

01:25:32.000 National Security Agency, whistleblower, William Benny.

01:25:36.000 Look into that because we've turned a corner in our society. 1.00

01:25:42.000 It's an us against them shit. 0.99

01:25:44.000 It shouldn't be. 0.99

01:25:46.000 And remember also that every totalitarian state and every state that took control and power over people used national security and domestic security and the threat of terrorism, etc., as an excuse to take away your liberty.

01:26:03.000 It's so old school.

01:26:04.000 It's always been done.

01:26:06.000 I would think that that generation had already moved out of business.

01:26:10.000 I hate to think that the generation coming up is going to go business as usual because in my mind, this generation, the generation that's of age, of adult age now, Thomas Jefferson said that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.

01:26:36.000 And part of that, what he's trying to say, I think, in a lot of ways, is that...

01:26:41.000 You may have your freedom, but just know that it can be taken away from you a lot faster than you think.

01:26:47.000 So you've got to be very aware of the signs.

01:26:51.000 That's why you read history.

01:26:52.000 It gives you perspective and you can recognize patterns and destructive patterns.

01:26:57.000 Right, but nobody saw this coming.

01:26:59.000 Nobody saw the ability to do this coming.

01:27:01.000 My mother saw it coming.

01:27:02.000 She saw them monitoring that the NSA had mathematicians work on this.

01:27:06.000 There are a lot of people that saw this coming that I talked to.

01:27:08.000 But the fact that it's already going on, unless William Binney had stepped out.

01:27:12.000 Oh, you're right. 1.00

01:27:12.000 By the way, they broke into his house and stuck a fucking gun in his face, too. 1.00

01:27:15.000 The FBI came into his house and raided it. 0.99

01:27:17.000 And he never did anything wrong.

01:27:18.000 I bet.

01:27:19.000 Didn't do anything wrong.

01:27:20.000 The whole thing is crazy. 1.00

01:27:22.000 We have just a really fucking creepy corrupt government. 0.98

01:27:26.000 Being in control of that which governs you, which is what our country is based on, has always been a very tenuous, fragile arrangement. 0.99

01:27:35.000 And it's got to be defended every minute of the day.

01:27:37.000 They just need to stop.

01:27:40.000 We need to have new people in government.

01:27:44.000 And with the new transparency that exists because of the internet, you're going to be able to still run things.

01:27:49.000 But you can't run things as corrupt as they've been running forever.

01:27:52.000 And everybody just wants to keep doing it. 0.92

01:27:54.000 It's like we were talking about circumcision or bullfighting or anything that's ridiculous that's old. 0.88

01:28:00.000 It's in nature's government. 0.92

01:28:02.000 It's not people.

01:28:04.000 The bigger it becomes, the bigger it becomes, government needs a job.

01:28:08.000 And what is that job?

01:28:09.000 To either tax or pass laws.

01:28:10.000 Both of them are coercive measures.

01:28:13.000 The bigger government grows, the more, history shows you, the bigger government grows, the more power they get over you as an individual.

01:28:26.000 Just pick up a history book, man.

01:28:28.000 Yeah, but is there a way to pull it back?

01:28:30.000 That's the question.

01:28:31.000 That's the biggest question.

01:28:34.000 There's a way to run things.

01:28:36.000 There's a way where people pay a fair amount.

01:28:38.000 There's a way where we keep a real military that keeps us from ever being at the mercy of an evil dictator or an evil country.

01:28:47.000 Is there a way to do that and still be a good country and still not be completely and totally corrupt?

01:28:53.000 Yes, you educate yourself, and you get informed.

01:28:57.000 I'll stop with the educate yourself.

01:28:58.000 That's not going to stop them from running over you.

01:29:00.000 You don't have that much power.

01:29:01.000 You've got to vote.

01:29:02.000 You've got to make noise.

01:29:04.000 Is voting real?

01:29:05.000 If it is, why did Ron Paul, I mean, why did he lose two states that he clearly won?

01:29:09.000 Do you know that there's plenty of evidence online, and there's plenty of videos that show in Maine, and there was one other state where Ron Paul should have won, and they hit it.

01:29:20.000 They covered it.

01:29:20.000 I think that our voting process is actually, compared to most parts of the world, is pretty, pretty good.

01:29:26.000 Did you see Hacking Democracy?

01:29:29.000 No.

01:29:29.000 Hacking Democracy makes a very strong argument that the Bush-Kerry election was bought.

01:29:34.000 Maybe.

01:29:35.000 It's a documentary on HBO when they show that they engineered in a third-party entrant into these voting machines.

01:29:42.000 And the guy on the show, Diebold, had to change their name.

01:29:46.000 They're not Diebold anymore.

01:29:47.000 They're something else.

01:29:48.000 The guy on the show showed how he can alter the results of any election.

01:29:52.000 Doesn't surprise me.

01:29:53.000 So what do we do?

01:29:54.000 That's a good question.

01:29:55.000 The internet.

01:29:56.000 That's what I think.

01:29:57.000 I think the only thing that's going to save us is the young people coming up know that this is a different world.

01:30:02.000 Know that this is a world that if you're going to be a politician, you're going to be completely...

01:30:05.000 You've got to be transparent.

01:30:07.000 Everything's going to be transparent.

01:30:08.000 Every move you make.

01:30:09.000 And you can't get away with doing things that we've done for decades and decades before.

01:30:13.000 It's a totally new game.

01:30:15.000 Yeah.

01:30:15.000 That's the only thing that makes sense to me.

01:30:18.000 I think you're right. 0.95

01:30:19.000 The idea of overthrowing the government, is that really fucking necessary? 0.97

01:30:23.000 Everybody's getting bonkers about that. 0.88

01:30:24.000 You're not going to overthrow the government, first of all.

01:30:26.000 It's not.

01:30:27.000 There are ways to overthrow or change the power structure or make it smaller.

01:30:32.000 Well, it's also people recognize, in this country especially, that we are the cops.

01:30:38.000 We are the military. 0.98

01:30:40.000 The actual elite is these creepy bankers, and there's only a fucking small handful of them. 0.96

01:30:45.000 And if the military doesn't listen, and if the government doesn't listen, then it doesn't... 0.96

01:30:50.000 Take your phone away from the table, please.

01:30:51.000 My phone?

01:30:52.000 Yeah.

01:30:53.000 It's making that...

01:30:54.000 If we do that...

01:30:58.000 Phones, especially CDMA phones, or GSM phones, there's a signal that picks up.

01:31:05.000 It does it in your car sometimes.

01:31:06.000 Is it ever doing it in your car, in your stereo?

01:31:08.000 It goes...

01:31:09.000 Oh, that's my phone.

01:31:10.000 Yeah, that's your phone.

01:31:12.000 It's AT&T phones.

01:31:14.000 If you had Verizon, it wouldn't do it as easily.

01:31:17.000 So it's sort of a different frequency, apparently.

01:31:19.000 CDMA is an older frequency, the frequency that Verizon uses.

01:31:24.000 But apparently it's different in that it's more robust, goes deeper into buildings.

01:31:30.000 But more countries have GSM. My iPhone has both.

01:31:34.000 So if I go on the road, it's a Verizon phone, so if I go on the road, if I'm in England, it'll work in England, because they only have GSM. They gave up on our stupid CDMA. Really? 0.96

01:31:43.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:31:45.000 But, I just, when it comes to these fucking conversations, they always seem so circular. 0.99

01:31:52.000 Like, they never really go anywhere. 0.98

01:31:53.000 Well, because they're frustrating, because you don't really know what the hell to do about this problem.

01:31:58.000 That's what's scary about it, and that's the biggest threat, is the growth of the state.

01:32:03.000 The real question is, does voting really work anymore?

01:32:06.000 And if voting doesn't really work, we've got a real problem.

01:32:09.000 It's a really good question because what you start to realize is there's not a major difference between candidates, is there?

01:32:13.000 No.

01:32:14.000 I mean, all of a sudden you go, well, there's not a big difference.

01:32:17.000 People are disenfranchised.

01:32:18.000 I mean, people aren't voting.

01:32:20.000 Young people aren't as angrier in the streets because you can't really necessarily make a difference.

01:32:26.000 Maybe that's how people have always felt.

01:32:28.000 I do think people felt that way in the 60s, actually, which is why they got into the streets and they tried to make a lot of noise.

01:32:34.000 I'm not advocating that either.

01:32:35.000 They didn't have the amount of movement that we have today.

01:32:38.000 They didn't have the ability to do things.

01:32:40.000 Organize.

01:32:41.000 Look, governments were taken down with Facebook.

01:32:44.000 Facebook took down governments.

01:32:46.000 Twitter took down governments.

01:32:47.000 But there are a lot of people arguing and making very good arguments like the Cato Institute, this libertarian think tank, about that's why sometimes you just say, philosophically, philosophically, nobody wants people to go hungry and stuff.

01:33:00.000 Philosophically, though, as government gets bigger, more and more people will start manipulating and getting their hands into the cookie jar.

01:33:08.000 It doesn't do anybody any good, man.

01:33:10.000 Yeah, there's no way.

01:33:11.000 There's no way to stop that.

01:33:13.000 Once it gets to a certain size, it's unmanageable.

01:33:15.000 Government should be treated like a necessary evil, not this massive social machine that engineers equality artificially.

01:33:25.000 It can't do that, never has been able to do that, and it shouldn't do that.

01:33:29.000 How gross is that Obama statement?

01:33:30.000 If you have a small business, you didn't build that by yourself.

01:33:34.000 Well, exactly.

01:33:35.000 You know why?

01:33:36.000 Because he's never run a business himself.

01:33:38.000 That's my knock on that guy.

01:33:40.000 Don't think he's a bad guy.

01:33:41.000 Don't think he's not a smart guy. 0.99

01:33:42.000 I don't think that guy's ever lived in the real fucking world. 0.98

01:33:44.000 He was a community organizer and an academic. 1.00

01:33:45.000 I don't want that guy running shit. 0.99

01:33:48.000 And if Romney wasn't so crazy with his religion and stuff, I would be like, well, he was kind of a stud businessman, but I don't even know what he stands for. 1.00

01:33:58.000 He hasn't come clean with his tax returns. 0.99

01:33:59.000 He's a creep. 1.00

01:34:01.000 He's a fucking Mormon. 1.00

01:34:02.000 He's a Mormon. 1.00

01:34:03.000 He's an old creep. 1.00

01:34:04.000 He's a creep. 1.00

01:34:05.000 His wife is made out of plastic. 0.99

01:34:06.000 His whole family lives in the dark. 1.00

01:34:08.000 They're crazy. 1.00

01:34:09.000 And he's just going to do whatever the fuck they tell him. 1.00

01:34:13.000 I always tell people, if you want to know about Mitt Romney, there's a video online where he gets confronted by a guy in a wheelchair who needs medical marijuana. 0.99

01:34:20.000 And Mitt Romney shrugs this guy off like he doesn't exist.

01:34:23.000 Yeah, of course he'd have to.

01:34:23.000 So quick.

01:34:24.000 Well, I don't believe in medical marijuana, and he just gets away from the guy.

01:34:27.000 He's a robot. 0.86

01:34:27.000 But I will say that in Massachusetts, the guy actually spent a lot of time on the other side of the aisle and got a lot of shit done, including universal health care and balancing the budget. 0.86

01:34:38.000 You can't take that away from him. 0.97

01:34:39.000 And by the way, he was a stud.

01:34:41.000 But, you know, being capital...

01:34:42.000 That's all good and well, but I don't...

01:34:44.000 I don't think that works.

01:34:45.000 On a federal level, I don't think you get that kind of ability.

01:34:49.000 I think you can really be a real governor.

01:34:52.000 I don't think you can be a real president.

01:34:54.000 I think when it gets to that level, when it comes to things like war, state governments don't have to worry about war.

01:35:02.000 When you get to a federal level and you're dealing with multi-billion dollar contracts and you're dealing with the pull-out of the troops in Afghanistan...

01:35:09.000 Look, man, it's what I was telling you.

01:35:10.000 I talked to this, my buddy, who's a real CIA guy.

01:35:13.000 And I had him do my podcast and I called him Mr. Pink because he just was like, you know, it was really weird.

01:35:17.000 He's so smart.

01:35:19.000 And he's really the real deal.

01:35:21.000 And I said, give me...

01:35:22.000 Give me some stuff about the Iraq war.

01:35:23.000 We went in there because of this and that.

01:35:25.000 And he goes, man, he was like this.

01:35:26.000 He was like, yeah, I mean, I guess you could say that, but really, you know what I think it is?

01:35:30.000 I go, what?

01:35:30.000 He goes, I think it's just a bunch of interests that get together and it snowballs.

01:35:34.000 And before you know it, a lot of people are going to make a lot of money on this notion.

01:35:38.000 And a lot of people get an idea and somebody picks up on it and they just assume it's true. 0.97

01:35:42.000 And before you know it, you've got this fucking machine that ain't going to stop for anybody. 0.98

01:35:47.000 And he was really kind of matter-of-fact about it. 0.99

01:35:50.000 And I was like, geez, this is an inside guy who spent seven years there.

01:35:53.000 And here he is telling me this.

01:35:54.000 He goes, listen, dude, they spent $100,000 importing sand so that they could play volleyball in the desert.

01:36:03.000 Yeah, we talked about this once before, how much corruption, how much waste there is. 1.00

01:36:08.000 And we've all heard of the $500 hammers and all the stupid shit. 1.00

01:36:12.000 No accountability, man. 1.00

01:36:14.000 Yeah, no accountability.

01:36:15.000 It's government.

01:36:16.000 You know, the idea that it's all tax money.

01:36:18.000 What happened with the banking industry?

01:36:20.000 I mean, investment banks used to have to gamble with their own money.

01:36:23.000 Then they became public, and all of a sudden they're using your money to experiment. 0.96

01:36:27.000 And you had these cowboys who were like, let's fucking leverage it 40 times. 0.94

01:36:31.000 I'm being simplistic, but that's kind of what happened. 0.98

01:36:33.000 Yeah.

01:36:33.000 Well, Benny was talking, the mathematician who, the NSA guy, was talking about other things that the NSA had funded to try to do the same thing that didn't work.

01:36:43.000 That they spent Billions of dollars on billions of dollars of your dollars by the way that they don't that's the craziest thing about your taxes you pay whatever you pay 20% You don't even fucking get a you can't even request it you can't say hey I would like to know you know what how much my money you're spending is there a website I could go to like maybe they don't send it to you but you could go oh hey mr. Callen Yeah, well, you paid $70,000 in taxes last year, and your money went to...

01:37:13.000 You know, no. 1.00

01:37:15.000 Go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:37:16.000 They don't even make it up for you. 1.00

01:37:18.000 They just take it.

01:37:20.000 YouTube, again, besides this Benny guy, also YouTube, Milton Friedman, who won a Nobel Prize for Economics.

01:37:24.000 Just YouTube him and listen to his debates.

01:37:27.000 Just listen to his debates.

01:37:28.000 It's really easy to follow, and all he talks about is personal liberty.

01:37:31.000 They go, you're a conservative?

01:37:32.000 He goes, I don't like that word.

01:37:33.000 I believe in liberty, so whatever I am, I'm very liberal.

01:37:37.000 Yeah, it gets weird when you go conservative or liberal because people like to attach themselves to ideologies.

01:37:44.000 And they will find an area where they can operate in.

01:37:49.000 They feel more comfortable being a liberal.

01:37:51.000 They feel more comfortable being a conservative.

01:37:52.000 And they have no open-mindedness.

01:37:56.000 They're like teams.

01:37:57.000 They're on a team.

01:37:58.000 Exactly.

01:37:59.000 They just lock on to Team Mac.

01:38:02.000 I'm on Team PC. I like Android phones.

01:38:05.000 I'm a Windows man myself.

01:38:06.000 I got a Windows phone.

01:38:07.000 Whereas if you talk about liberty, you're talking about a philosophy and an idea.

01:38:11.000 That's what I like to talk about.

01:38:13.000 I like having discussions based on the ideas and philosophies, the underpinnings.

01:38:18.000 Of course.

01:38:18.000 Don't label me a Republican, Democrat, even a Libertarian.

01:38:22.000 I want to talk about ideas and develop a philosophy. 1.00

01:38:26.000 But isn't it weird that that fucking shit works, that conservative liberal shit works? 1.00

01:38:31.000 Look, and it works, by the way, with liberals just as bad as with conservatives. 1.00

01:38:35.000 Nothing drives me fucking nutty more than hypocritical liberals who talk about Republicans being prejudiced and then they're completely prejudiced against anybody who has any ideas remotely different from theirs. 0.98

01:38:50.000 That's right. 0.99

01:38:50.000 It's so weird, that whole artificial sensitivity. 0.99

01:38:56.000 You've adopted what is a chic style, a cool style of thinking.

01:39:04.000 A progressive style.

01:39:06.000 My father was talking about tyranny of language.

01:39:09.000 There's a tyranny of language in this country where one side will garner a patent on, we are the progressives.

01:39:18.000 Well, I happen to believe we should legalize gay marriage and drugs and a lot of other things.

01:39:23.000 That makes me pretty progressive.

01:39:24.000 But at the same time, I want a small government so that I can be considered a conservative as well. 0.99

01:39:28.000 Because I don't want all these vested interests in my fucking life. 0.99

01:39:32.000 But that's the question. 0.99

01:39:33.000 How do you uncurl it?

01:39:35.000 How do you uncurl it?

01:39:36.000 But if I start talking about...

01:39:39.000 If I start talking about small government, people go, you're a Republican.

01:39:42.000 Well, no, I'm not actually, because I'm pro-choice and a lot of other things.

01:39:45.000 So don't call me, and I'm not a Christian, so let's relax with this stuff.

01:39:49.000 So there is a tyranny of language in this country, and there always has been in political culture.

01:39:58.000 There's a really good book called Don't Think of an Elephant.

01:40:01.000 did I ever tell you about this book?

01:40:02.000 no it's written by David Fromm who talks about and I think his name is David Fromm forgive me if it's not but he talks about how how effective it is when you when you say this is the Patriot Act how do you vote against against the Patriot Act for example you're not going to vote you're not a patriot if you vote against the Patriot Act

01:40:22.000 And there are a lot of things you can do as a political force to hijack your position by making it very inconvenient and sound bad when you vote against your agenda.

01:40:35.000 Yeah, you can't vote against the Patriot Act.

01:40:37.000 How do you change it, Joe?

01:40:38.000 How do you change it?

01:40:39.000 I don't know.

01:40:39.000 I'm still trying to figure it out.

01:40:41.000 The only thing that I can think is you've got to change young people. 1.00

01:40:44.000 And you've got to have the people that are going into it, like this guy that we had, David Seaman, who was on Monday.

01:40:48.000 He's in his 20s.

01:40:49.000 He's 26 years old.

01:40:50.000 Wow.

01:40:50.000 I didn't know he was that young.

01:40:52.000 That's the kind of guy, and very articulate, very bright.

01:40:55.000 That's the kind of guys you need.

01:40:57.000 You need young kids that are coming out of college. 0.99

01:41:00.000 They understand the way the world works a million times better than some fucking dummy who grew up in the land of books and crayons. 0.99

01:41:08.000 Amos Oz, who's a famous Israeli writer, They were talking about Hamas. 1.00

01:41:14.000 Hamas is a terrorist organization.

01:41:16.000 He had a problem with Israel going in and assassinating Hamas leaders. 0.90

01:41:20.000 He said, the way you beat Hamas is not with guns because Hamas is an idea. 0.85

01:41:26.000 They said, what do we do?

01:41:27.000 He said, the way you beat a bad idea like Hamas is with a better idea. 1.00

01:41:32.000 And that's a really powerful statement.

01:41:33.000 It is a powerful statement.

01:41:34.000 And remember that this country is an idea.

01:41:39.000 It's an ideal.

01:41:40.000 And in a lot of ways those founding fathers solved the political problem.

01:41:44.000 The Constitution is an amazing thing.

01:41:46.000 And it's being jacked left and right.

01:41:47.000 And it's being jacked.

01:41:48.000 But remember that it's a very powerful idea and keep fighting for it.

01:41:50.000 Obama has done more to harm the Constitution than any president before him.

01:41:56.000 What he's done by passing the National Defense Authorization Act is nothing short of what you should have considered as treasonous.

01:42:03.000 What someone in the past would consider as treasonous.

01:42:06.000 The ability to detain people with no warrant.

01:42:09.000 The ability to hold them with no recourse whatsoever.

01:42:12.000 They don't have the right to a trial.

01:42:13.000 They don't have anything that we're supposed to be standing for in America.

01:42:16.000 Isn't that though for foreign enemies? 0.55

01:42:17.000 No!

01:42:18.000 No!

01:42:19.000 No, no, no, no!

01:42:21.000 No, it's for anyone that they deem to be an enemy of the state.

01:42:26.000 Wow.

01:42:27.000 National...

01:42:28.000 We were allowed to use...

01:42:30.000 He is now, rather, allowed to use the military to quell any dissent inside our borders.

01:42:39.000 Are you sure that this...

01:42:40.000 Yes!

01:42:41.000 Posse comatitis, done!

01:42:43.000 He's trying to get it through.

01:42:44.000 No, it's passed!

01:42:45.000 National Defense Authorization Act.

01:42:48.000 Everybody passed it.

01:42:49.000 Obama said he was going to veto it.

01:42:50.000 Didn't veto it.

01:42:51.000 No one vetoed it.

01:42:52.000 No one passed it.

01:42:52.000 I don't think they get a say.

01:42:54.000 I really don't. 0.98

01:42:55.000 I think when you've got a company like Halliburton that has fucking billions of dollars and they're profiting in mad crazy ways from this fucking war, I don't think anybody gets a say. 0.97

01:43:07.000 I think that influence, the influence of that money is so strong and so sharp they can't avoid it. 0.97

01:43:12.000 I hope you're wrong.

01:43:13.000 I'm not wrong.

01:43:14.000 I'm not wrong at all.

01:43:14.000 But you may not be wrong and so in that case it's hard not to be cynical.

01:43:18.000 How do you not know about this?

01:43:19.000 We've talked about this before.

01:43:20.000 I mean reading this book I keep talking about. 0.76

01:43:22.000 You read this nonsense.

01:43:23.000 Reading this book, I just keep talking, called China Study, is a classic example.

01:43:28.000 This guy does such an amazing job of saying what you're saying.

01:43:31.000 How we are no longer, all of a sudden, your kid at school is being fed all different kinds of food that is not only making him sick, but fat.

01:43:40.000 Yeah, but listen, man, you can give your kid food, okay?

01:43:44.000 That's a terrible thing and everything when your kid's fed at school.

01:43:46.000 You can bring a lunch. 0.99

01:43:47.000 That's not as bad as what the fuck is happening. 0.97

01:43:49.000 The ability to have people arrested with no recourse, man. 0.98

01:43:54.000 We are literally in an approved Soviet...

01:43:59.000 Dude, I talked to you about this a while ago, man.

01:44:02.000 National Defense Authorization Act.

01:44:04.000 It's a terrifying thing that was passed.

01:44:06.000 Terrifying. 0.99

01:44:07.000 All this shit that's going on with WikiLeaks. 0.98

01:44:09.000 Where they're trying to pull this guy out of the Ecuadorian embassy in London. 0.96

01:44:11.000 Julian Assange.

01:44:12.000 They're letting everybody know that the rules are fake.

01:44:15.000 Yeah.

01:44:16.000 Like, well, that rule...

01:44:17.000 Well, he's actually wanted for sexual assault in Sweden.

01:44:19.000 Sweden's not...

01:44:20.000 He's not wanted for sexual assault.

01:44:21.000 Don't say that.

01:44:22.000 He's wanted for...

01:44:22.000 Sexual misconducting?

01:44:24.000 Surprise sex. 0.99

01:44:26.000 Surprise sex is... 0.97

01:44:27.000 Yeah. 0.86

01:44:28.000 Hold on. 1.00

01:44:28.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

01:44:29.000 Sorry. 1.00

01:44:29.000 Shut it off. 1.00

01:44:30.000 You can't... 0.99

01:44:30.000 You're a junkie. 0.99

01:44:31.000 I was trying to look up...

01:44:32.000 No, I was trying to look up the... 0.60

01:44:33.000 You're a junkie.

01:44:33.000 That act.

01:44:34.000 Oh, surprise sex is what he's wanted for. 0.98

01:44:38.000 What do you mean surprise sex? 0.95

01:44:39.000 What's that mean? 0.99

01:44:39.000 Apparently he had sex with a chick with a condom on, and they were sleeping in bed together, and with no condom he slipped it in. 0.99

01:44:44.000 And there's photos of her hanging out with him two days later, like all palling around. 0.94

01:44:48.000 Like, what he did was kind of creepy.

01:44:50.000 But guess what? 0.99

01:44:51.000 You're not supposed to sleep naked with a guy if you don't want to stick his boner in. 0.99

01:44:54.000 That's just what dudes do. 0.99

01:44:55.000 We're gross. 0.98

01:44:56.000 We're gross, creepy animals. 0.98

01:44:57.000 Of course. 0.94

01:45:00.000 Well, it's not even that.

01:45:01.000 I don't know how many times back in the day I'd be like, I don't have any diseases.

01:45:04.000 Don't worry about it.

01:45:04.000 Let me just feel it for a second.

01:45:06.000 Just for a second.

01:45:07.000 Roll the dice!

01:45:08.000 Well, that's what he did. 1.00

01:45:09.000 He's a scumbag. 1.00

01:45:10.000 Sex gambler. 1.00

01:45:11.000 But a lot of guys are. 0.99

01:45:12.000 There's a video of him dancing by himself.

01:45:14.000 You mean a guy?

01:45:15.000 Yeah, a guy.

01:45:16.000 Just a regular guy.

01:45:17.000 There's a video of him dancing by himself.

01:45:19.000 It's just him on the dance floor, getting his groove on, and it's so dorky and creepy.

01:45:23.000 You watch and it's just like, oh, jeez, look at this guy.

01:45:26.000 He's so weird.

01:45:27.000 Is he French or where is he from?

01:45:28.000 Is he Swiss?

01:45:29.000 I don't know.

01:45:30.000 I think he's American.

01:45:31.000 Isn't he American?

01:45:32.000 I think he's Swedish.

01:45:34.000 Assange?

01:45:35.000 Yeah, I don't think he's American. 1.00

01:45:36.000 You are a fucking agent of disinformation. 1.00

01:45:38.000 You work for Fox News, bro. 1.00

01:45:39.000 I'm just saying I think.

01:45:40.000 I don't know.

01:45:42.000 I'm almost positive he's American.

01:45:44.000 If you want to see a great...

01:45:44.000 Man, Jon Stewart debates Bill O'Reilly, and he does such a great job.

01:45:50.000 Did he really?

01:45:50.000 I thought he just jokes up with him.

01:45:52.000 Nah, he fucking made fun of Fox in such a good way, though. 0.98

01:45:55.000 He jokes with him. 0.99

01:45:55.000 He just exposed him. 0.99

01:45:56.000 And I read too of Bill O'Reilly's books.

01:45:58.000 Oh, he's Australian. 1.00

01:45:59.000 That's what he is.

01:45:59.000 I knew he had something weird going on.

01:46:02.000 Might as well be American. 0.87

01:46:04.000 Have you been to Australia?

01:46:06.000 Love it.

01:46:07.000 You do?

01:46:07.000 Yeah.

01:46:08.000 I went to Sydney. 1.00

01:46:09.000 They're fucking... 1.00

01:46:10.000 Australia is... 1.00

01:46:12.000 They're like a little more relaxed than us.

01:46:15.000 A little more down to party.

01:46:16.000 A little, you know...

01:46:17.000 They're fun people, man.

01:46:18.000 Yeah, they're just different.

01:46:19.000 I like Australians. 1.00

01:46:20.000 I've actually never met an Australian who's a dick. 0.98

01:46:22.000 I have two friends that are really famous in Australia and not famous here. 0.98

01:46:27.000 Arge Barker, who's like kind of does well here.

01:46:29.000 And Eddie Ift.

01:46:30.000 Eddie Ift, yeah. 1.00

01:46:31.000 And both of them are fucking, especially Arge. 1.00

01:46:34.000 Arge is gigantic in Australia. 1.00

01:46:36.000 Is he?

01:46:36.000 Yeah, man.

01:46:37.000 He's like fucking Justin Bieber over there. 1.00

01:46:39.000 He can't walk down the street in Australia. 1.00

01:46:42.000 He's a stand-up?

01:46:42.000 Yeah, and they love him in Australia.

01:46:44.000 But America is like barely hanging on.

01:46:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:46:46.000 You know, he comes over here and just fucking half-filled crowds and shit. 1.00

01:46:49.000 It doesn't make any sense. 0.99

01:46:49.000 He goes over there, he fills out auditoriums every night. 0.99

01:46:51.000 Really? 0.99

01:46:52.000 Yeah, he sold out some crazy shit like 18 nights in a row in a theater there. 0.99

01:46:56.000 That's a million dollars. 0.99

01:46:58.000 Yeah, at least.

01:46:59.000 I'll do that.

01:46:59.000 Yeah, it might be more than a million, by the way.

01:47:02.000 18 nights, yeah.

01:47:03.000 Australia, I'm coming.

01:47:04.000 It's like two million.

01:47:04.000 I've been offered a couple times, and it's just like, I'm always like, we're going to fly my first class?

01:47:08.000 Well, we don't have it in the budget. 1.00

01:47:09.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:47:11.000 That budget, well, it's a $25,000 fucking ticket in first class. 1.00

01:47:14.000 That's a lot. 0.99

01:47:15.000 That's why.

01:47:15.000 They put you on one of those A380s, and you get like a little apartment.

01:47:19.000 Yeah.

01:47:19.000 That's what first class is.

01:47:21.000 But if you don't do that, then you're stuck in a cramped spot for 16 hours, and it sucks.

01:47:25.000 I'll do business class.

01:47:27.000 Business class.

01:47:27.000 Because I flew first class to Thailand when I was doing Hangover 2. And that was, that was, that, I got off the plane, I was a year older.

01:47:35.000 That was so fucking long it took me. 0.79

01:47:37.000 And I was sitting first class and it was like luxurious and everything else. 0.97

01:47:39.000 I had all Taiwanese airline or whatever it was.

01:47:42.000 It was unbelievable.

01:47:43.000 But you know what?

01:47:44.000 Too long. 1.00

01:47:45.000 Yeah, and you feel like shit for days. 0.97

01:47:48.000 You know, they say that the radiation from those planes when you're flying in high altitude, the radiation is way worse than the radiation you're getting when you're going through the metal detector. 0.98

01:47:56.000 Well, the air is also shitty, too. 1.00

01:47:58.000 Shit. 1.00

01:47:58.000 Shit air. 1.00

01:47:59.000 And you've got to drink a lot of water. 1.00

01:48:01.000 I do.

01:48:02.000 A lot of the hangover feeling that people get?

01:48:05.000 Dehydration.

01:48:05.000 Yeah, dehydration.

01:48:06.000 Drink a lot of water, eat something very nutritious.

01:48:09.000 Alpha brain helps a lot.

01:48:11.000 It's fantastic for jet lag.

01:48:13.000 Really?

01:48:13.000 Yeah.

01:48:13.000 Yeah, fantastic for jet lag and fantastic for when you don't get enough sleep.

01:48:17.000 Because that's one of the main reasons that you have that sort of like a foggy, misfiring sort of a brain when you're hungover or when you're jet lagged.

01:48:28.000 So your neurotransmitters are off.

01:48:30.000 Mike Young said, he goes, you and Rogan, I've been with you guys on the road.

01:48:34.000 You guys don't need any sleep.

01:48:35.000 I don't know how you do it.

01:48:36.000 I was like, I need sleep, but if I'm having a good time, I can go.

01:48:41.000 Because I was in Afghanistan, and I didn't sleep for probably a week, like just very little.

01:48:46.000 I was still working out.

01:48:47.000 I was just so pumped and afraid at the same time.

01:48:50.000 So my adrenaline was just literally pumping for a week.

01:48:53.000 So I didn't even need any sleep.

01:48:54.000 I'd wake up two hours and be like, all right. 0.96

01:48:56.000 When you've got sold out shows and you're going to do big giant fucking crowds waiting to see you, you get fired up, man. 0.97

01:49:02.000 I don't care if you're tired. 0.96

01:49:03.000 Yeah.

01:49:04.000 And you have to.

01:49:06.000 I've felt sick with a fever.

01:49:07.000 I get on stage, an hour and a half later I come off and I'm like, I'm 100% right now.

01:49:11.000 Yeah, you feel better.

01:49:13.000 Yeah, no one is ever going to understand that feeling unless they've actually done it.

01:49:17.000 But there's a giant responsibility that you have after a while when people are coming to see you. 0.99

01:49:22.000 You remember when you would go to a comedy club and it was just like you happened to be headlining, but nobody knew who the fuck you were. 0.96

01:49:27.000 When I went out on that stage in front of your fans in Denver, Denver it was so loud it hurt my face I could feel that I could feel the sound waves on my face that was 2000 ravenous fans ravenous fans and the minute I walked out there they thought I was Joe Rogan and They were on their feet, literally like... 0.97

01:49:46.000 I was like, oh, okay.

01:49:50.000 This is a whole different level.

01:49:52.000 Yeah, we just tell people what we're talking about.

01:49:54.000 We punked the crowd, and Brian went on.

01:49:57.000 We said, ladies and gentlemen, Joey Diaz brought me up, but Brian went on stage instead.

01:50:04.000 I recorded it, actually.

01:50:06.000 It was really funny, though. 0.95

01:50:07.000 It was hilarious because they went on for a little while, but then they were like, hey, what the fuck is going on here? 0.98

01:50:13.000 What the hell's going on? 0.98

01:50:14.000 Let me see if I can find it.

01:50:16.000 You guys, don't forget about the 10-Minute Podcast.

01:50:19.000 We're number 15. You're number 15 now?

01:50:22.000 10-Minute Podcast is number, I think, 15. Last time I checked, I was number 14. Oh, you sound so good.

01:50:28.000 I was nine yesterday, so it was pretty exciting.

01:50:31.000 Are you excited?

01:50:32.000 I love it!

01:50:33.000 Yeah, this is you.

01:50:38.000 me and see how long it takes before they realize it's not me.

01:50:41.000 And then just come walking out.

01:50:43.000 Just come walking out.

01:50:45.000 And this is Joey Diaz about to bring me on.

01:50:49.000 I love me and Joe Rogan.

01:50:57.000 Get out there.

01:50:59.000 Listen to that crowd, dude.

01:51:05.000 I love you. 1.00

01:51:07.000 What's going on, you little fucking freaks? 1.00

01:51:08.000 That's what I said. 1.00

01:51:09.000 And they still think I'm you.

01:51:11.000 Or you're me. 0.99

01:51:12.000 Only people in the front row were like, what the fuck's going on? 0.99

01:51:15.000 They were like, what? 0.99

01:51:17.000 Did he lose a lot of weight?

01:51:19.000 Does Joe have rickets?

01:51:21.000 He's still on stage, and now I got on stage.

01:51:23.000 And then I was like Your fans are great too They were literally all...

01:51:35.000 I couldn't get out of the foyer.

01:51:36.000 You hadn't seen it before.

01:51:38.000 I remember telling you, I'm like, wait until Joey Diaz goes on stage.

01:51:41.000 I go, you're going to see something that you've never seen before.

01:51:44.000 I remember the look on your face. 0.99

01:51:46.000 You were like, holy shit. 1.00

01:51:48.000 This is crazy. 1.00

01:51:51.000 It's on a completely different level.

01:51:54.000 Why do you think your podcast is so insanely popular?

01:52:00.000 I don't know.

01:52:01.000 People are connecting with it.

01:52:02.000 What are they connecting with?

01:52:03.000 I am being as honest as humanly possible.

01:52:07.000 And I got a lot of interests.

01:52:10.000 I'm fascinated by things.

01:52:12.000 And I think people get to be fascinated along with me.

01:52:16.000 On this podcast, and they know that if I'm telling you something, whether I'm right or wrong, it's because I truly honestly believe it.

01:52:23.000 It's because I've looked at it, I've studied it, even if it doesn't make any sense.

01:52:26.000 Like Bigfoot, like Bigfoot talk.

01:52:28.000 I'm not willing to say that Bigfoot's not real. 1.00

01:52:32.000 And for a lot of people, as soon as you start saying shit like that, you become an idiot. 1.00

01:52:36.000 As soon as you start saying things like, you think maybe there might be intelligent life that's visited this planet thousands of years ago and actually made people out of monkeys. 1.00

01:52:46.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:52:47.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:52:49.000 You don't know.

01:52:50.000 The fact that people exist alone is bizarre enough to me to leave open a billion different possibilities for how life is seeded throughout the universe, including life on Earth. 0.92

01:53:01.000 But I'm not afraid of looking like a retard. 0.97

01:53:05.000 I'm not scared.

01:53:07.000 I think that's one of the reasons.

01:53:09.000 I also think that I'm really impressed.

01:53:11.000 I think a lot of people, young men especially, want to learn something.

01:53:14.000 Well, a lot of young men are demonized. 0.98

01:53:16.000 And we've got a real fucking problem in this country where we're suppressing masculinity. 1.00

01:53:19.000 We're not accepting the fact that men like manly shit. 1.00

01:53:23.000 We like V8s. 1.00

01:53:25.000 We like stakes.

01:53:26.000 We like Leonard Skinner.

01:53:27.000 We like hunting and fishing and MMA. And guess what?

01:53:31.000 You being prejudiced about that...

01:53:34.000 It's just as bad as a man being sexist.

01:53:37.000 It's just as bad as a person being racist.

01:53:39.000 But you're judging and making people...

01:53:41.000 You know how many times I've felt bad for what I look like or who I am or what I like when I was a young man, especially?

01:53:47.000 Women, intellectuals, all these different people would look down on you as if there was something wrong with you that you legitimately enjoyed what you enjoy without hurting anybody. 1.00

01:53:57.000 I always felt inappropriate. 0.99

01:53:58.000 And there's still a lot of circles where I come and I go, man, I think in such a different way than these fucking people. 0.99

01:54:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:54:04.000 I don't know.

01:54:06.000 You feel like you're doing something wrong when you're younger.

01:54:09.000 I just like rolling around on a mat.

01:54:11.000 Well, we're not represented.

01:54:13.000 We're not represented. 1.00

01:54:14.000 Because men, when they reach a certain point in time, they have to put on a fucking tie and some stupid shoes with slippery bottoms and go to some job that sucks. 1.00

01:54:20.000 That's the majority of men. 1.00

01:54:21.000 And so they're not really represented.

01:54:23.000 When a guy gets buck wild and lives like Mike Tyson, he's not celebrated.

01:54:28.000 He's going to crash.

01:54:30.000 Well, it's interesting because people want to censor you right away because I think you're a threat.

01:54:34.000 That's almost like there was a psychiatrist talking about male-female dynamics a lot of times, and a lot of women will be really attracted to an alpha male.

01:54:40.000 And then what happens is, and it's very, very common, and it's a big problem in a relationship, what they'll do And this guy's a couples counselor who works with a lot of different couples.

01:54:49.000 What they'll do is women will then be afraid that that aggression is going to be turned on them and their children. 1.00

01:54:54.000 So they'll take it out of the man.

01:54:56.000 When they finally take it out of the man, a man gives up. 1.00

01:54:58.000 He's like, fuck this. 0.99

01:54:59.000 I don't want to deal with all these things. 1.00

01:55:00.000 No, they're not attracted to him anymore.

01:55:01.000 They're not attracted to him anymore.

01:55:02.000 Yeah, it's a grand game.

01:55:03.000 So the point is, don't lose sight of who you are and what you're trying to do.

01:55:07.000 There's a great deal to learn and accomplish by embracing your masculinity.

01:55:12.000 You learn just as much trying to get your black belt in jiu-jitsu as you do getting a PhD in certain ways.

01:55:18.000 About yourself, I'm talking about.

01:55:20.000 Well, you learn more.

01:55:21.000 You learn more.

01:55:23.000 Listen, it's all relative, but what's important in this life is embrace what you enjoy.

01:55:30.000 And most men are not taught that.

01:55:32.000 Most men are made to feel terrible about liking certain things.

01:55:38.000 And by the way, it's just as masculine to play the flute if you play it really well.

01:55:42.000 No, it isn't.

01:55:43.000 No, but it is.

01:55:44.000 Stop lying to people.

01:55:45.000 There are different forms and expressions of masculinity. 1.00

01:55:47.000 You don't have to be hit in a bag and shit, you know. 0.99

01:55:49.000 Well, I just think, not even masculinity, that's not even the word, it's really honesty. 0.99

01:55:54.000 Because I get a lot of positive messages from women. 0.99

01:55:57.000 It's like, you're allowed to be yourself.

01:55:59.000 Women should be into girls. 1.00

01:56:00.000 My wife's into all kinds of girly shit. 1.00

01:56:01.000 I don't even try to understand it. 1.00

01:56:03.000 I don't understand it.

01:56:03.000 I don't pretend.

01:56:04.000 But I don't judge her.

01:56:06.000 I mean, she genuinely likes it.

01:56:09.000 There's people who genuinely like country music.

01:56:11.000 They genuinely like it.

01:56:13.000 They love it.

01:56:13.000 They want to hear it.

01:56:14.000 There's nothing wrong with that, man.

01:56:16.000 And the problem with a lot of people, and a lot of liberals especially, is that they will mock what you love.

01:56:24.000 If you don't like what they like, they will try to marginalize your opinion.

01:56:29.000 And they'll do it by calling you a hyper-masculine man.

01:56:33.000 That's the best way to put it.

01:56:34.000 That's a really interesting way.

01:56:35.000 They marginalize your opinion and they marginalize you.

01:56:38.000 And they do it through criticism.

01:56:39.000 And sometimes it can be effective criticism.

01:56:40.000 It can be very glossy criticism.

01:56:43.000 Where they're using big words and they're comparing you to something and you don't really have necessarily the ammunition to fight back because you're not as good with language and all of a sudden you feel kind of without ammo.

01:56:53.000 Well, it might not even be that.

01:56:55.000 It might be that you haven't even thought about it.

01:56:57.000 And they've been working on this argument against who you are as a human being for most of their life because you're the type of person who's always rejected them.

01:57:06.000 You're the type of person that didn't think they were sexually attractive, so it made them feel bad. 1.00

01:57:09.000 So now they've decided that these hyper-masculine men who are not attracted to me are assholes ruining this earth. 1.00

01:57:16.000 Meanwhile, if that guy thought you were sexy and he liked to fuck you and you would like to fuck him and you were into this hyper-masculine guy sticking his big cock inside of you, then you'd have a different thing. 1.00

01:57:29.000 I was like, well, we think differently, but as long as he respects my space, I'll suck his cock. 1.00

01:57:33.000 But no, he doesn't want to fuck you. 1.00

01:57:35.000 So he's an enemy because he gives to you a bad feeling. 1.00

01:57:39.000 A feeling of you not being attractive, a feeling of you being rejected. 0.98

01:57:44.000 It's the same thing with ugly men who become woman haters. 0.98

01:57:47.000 Their whole life, they've been rejected by women over and over and over again. 1.00

01:57:50.000 So they develop this, fuck these bitches, fuck these hoes. 1.00

01:57:54.000 They have this attitude towards women, fucking lesbian. 1.00

01:57:57.000 That fucking, that attitude is not much different than the really homely, ultra-aggressive feminist woman who wants to attack everything that men are into. 1.00

01:58:07.000 Hyper-masculine, rape supporters, rape culture. 1.00

01:58:11.000 It's really a lot of the same thing.

01:58:13.000 It's finding someone who's different than you and conveniently putting them in a box so that anything that they enjoy, whether you enjoy it or not, anything that they enjoy becomes fodder.

01:58:23.000 Anything that they enjoy becomes something that you can use to dismiss them.

01:58:27.000 That kind of criticism becomes habitual and it makes it impossible to actually achieve anything yourself when you walk around like such a good critic.

01:58:35.000 When you're a good critic, that same critic comes back to criticize you when you really try to do something.

01:58:39.000 Well, you have to be able to look at yourself and your own nonsense.

01:58:42.000 And you also have to be able to look at how other people are going to view your own nonsense.

01:58:45.000 And just because you don't like something doesn't mean something is bad.

01:58:50.000 It just means it's not for you.

01:58:52.000 And you can't marginalize someone based on what they like or what they don't like. 0.98

01:58:56.000 There's some brilliant people that like fucking pop music. 1.00

01:58:59.000 They are brilliant, but they like to get in their car and listen to stupid ass fucking songs and sing along. 1.00

01:59:05.000 It's fun for them. 1.00

01:59:06.000 And it doesn't make them less of a human.

01:59:08.000 That's right. 0.99

01:59:09.000 We got a real fucking problem in this country of looking for fault in other folks instead of first doing our own goddamn personal inventory first. 1.00

01:59:18.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

01:59:41.000 It gets you to think that there's something you have to add.

01:59:43.000 You have to add to yourself.

01:59:45.000 When in fact, it's probably something you have to delete.

01:59:48.000 You have to take something away from yourself that isn't really you.

01:59:51.000 And just get back to who you really are.

01:59:52.000 It's kind of a neat way of looking at development and growth.

01:59:55.000 A lot of times I really think that stand-up and all the things I do are just bringing me back to who I've always been.

02:00:03.000 In a way.

02:00:03.000 It's a process of sort of...

02:00:07.000 Distilling.

02:00:08.000 What I love about writing and stand-up is that as I do it, I start to realize in some ways I've always been writing about the same thing over and over again.

02:00:15.000 But in a way, I'm distilling who I really am.

02:00:19.000 I'm getting to the core essence of who I really am.

02:00:23.000 So now what I do, at 45, now what I'm able to do is just sit and let things come to me a little bit more.

02:00:31.000 I don't have to reach as much.

02:00:33.000 Or I can just be and trust what's inside of me to do the job.

02:00:39.000 Well, you also get to a point where you stop trying to be someone else.

02:00:42.000 That's huge.

02:00:43.000 That's so huge.

02:00:44.000 And it takes a while, man.

02:00:45.000 It takes a while.

02:00:46.000 And be easy on yourself, you know?

02:00:47.000 Don't be easy on yourself.

02:00:48.000 Don't listen to me.

02:00:49.000 Well, what I mean by that is don't be too critical of yourself.

02:00:51.000 Just know it's a process.

02:00:53.000 It's a process.

02:00:54.000 And keep doing it.

02:00:55.000 Don't listen. 1.00

02:00:56.000 It's going to be painful as fuck. 1.00

02:00:57.000 Be very critical of yourself or you're not going to get anywhere. 0.99

02:01:00.000 Well, be honest with yourself.

02:01:01.000 You and I were never critical of each other.

02:01:03.000 We were honest with each other, remember?

02:01:05.000 Very important.

02:01:05.000 And we still are.

02:01:06.000 Yeah, all the time.

02:01:07.000 We call each other and we have conversations where we're not critical because we love each other.

02:01:11.000 We're like, hey, dude, let me bring your attention to something you may not be seeing.

02:01:16.000 But you know what?

02:01:17.000 In both of our credit, whenever you've done that to me, whenever I've done that to you, you're always like, yep, you're right.

02:01:23.000 Yeah.

02:01:23.000 Thank you.

02:01:24.000 Thank you very much.

02:01:24.000 I love it when you do that.

02:01:25.000 It's very important.

02:01:26.000 It's huge!

02:01:27.000 Look, I welcome that, man.

02:01:30.000 That's when you know you have a real friend.

02:01:32.000 When someone like you calls and says, Hey, dude, you can do better, and this is why, or, you know, you're not living up to the...

02:01:38.000 Dude, at first you don't want to hear it, and maybe it'll bug you for a couple days.

02:01:42.000 It's beautiful. 1.00

02:01:43.000 Learn to love that shit. 1.00

02:01:45.000 Don't take criticism from somebody who doesn't know what they're doing. 1.00

02:01:48.000 And don't fucking just take blind criticism or people who want to humiliate you or be better than you with their stupid words. 1.00

02:01:55.000 I'm not talking about that. 1.00

02:01:56.000 I'm talking about somebody who's on your side and wants to give you constructive criticism. 1.00

02:02:01.000 Embrace that shit, man. 1.00

02:02:02.000 Embrace it. 1.00

02:02:03.000 Yeah, it's just hard to find like-minded folks. 0.98

02:02:06.000 It's hard to find people that also have their shit together or want to get their shit together. 0.84

02:02:10.000 It's hard to find people who are also on the right track and not trying to sabotage themselves all the time. 0.99

02:02:17.000 That's what I said before.

02:02:18.000 Sometimes you might have to change your gang.

02:02:19.000 You might have to change people you run with. 1.00

02:02:21.000 Well, that's why when you and I first met, I would get mad at these fucking idiots you were hanging out with, and there was a difference between you and I. So you would suffer all these fools, and I would come along, especially when I was young. 1.00

02:02:31.000 Me and I met when we were in our 20s. 0.99

02:02:33.000 I was a savage. 0.63

02:02:34.000 You were a ball. 1.00

02:02:35.000 You were a ball of hate and energy. 0.99

02:02:38.000 I just wasn't into no one's nonsense. 0.99

02:02:40.000 If you were trying to push some nonsense on me, no, sorry dude.

02:02:44.000 And you'd see it.

02:02:45.000 I'd be like, this guy's a problem. 0.95

02:02:46.000 This guy's just nonsense. 0.98

02:02:48.000 He's talking nonsense. 0.99

02:02:49.000 He wants too much attention.

02:02:50.000 You gonna hang out with him?

02:02:51.000 Because I'm getting out of here.

02:02:52.000 And that's the only way to live.

02:02:54.000 You were so good at removing yourself from any kind of suppressive energy. 0.62

02:02:57.000 Dude, you had guys around you that were straight con men.

02:03:00.000 It was really unfortunate to see.

02:03:02.000 Imposters.

02:03:03.000 Yeah, I would be around you and you would bring these guys over like a party at your house or something like that.

02:03:08.000 Yeah, because I thought it didn't cost me anything.

02:03:09.000 It was just fun.

02:03:10.000 Look at this male hustler he has hanging out at his house.

02:03:13.000 Like, this guy could be doing anything.

02:03:15.000 He could be a fake psychic. 1.00

02:03:17.000 He's fucking completely full of shit. 1.00

02:03:19.000 He's just decided that this is going to be his thing. 1.00

02:03:21.000 Man, is L.A. so full of that shit, too, man? 1.00

02:03:23.000 We're so full of that. 1.00

02:03:24.000 So full of broken people.

02:03:27.000 Who said somebody took the continental of the United States, turned it on its side, and everything loose rolled to California?

02:03:32.000 Well, you think about what California is.

02:03:34.000 It's two things that are weird about it.

02:03:36.000 One, it's people that weren't satisfied with the East Coast.

02:03:41.000 Everybody landed on the East Coast. 0.93

02:03:43.000 They came here to reinvent themselves.

02:03:44.000 They kept going. 1.00

02:03:46.000 They were willing to cross the fucking Rocky Mountains. 0.99

02:03:49.000 So just that, the beginning, is just crazy. 0.99

02:03:52.000 The fact that anybody knew that it was anything cool over here is crazy to begin with.

02:03:56.000 You know, the 20s, they started doing it in the 20s.

02:03:58.000 Boy, am I used to the weather, though, man.

02:03:59.000 I'll take it.

02:04:00.000 I don't want it anymore.

02:04:01.000 I want some rain.

02:04:02.000 I think I like the winter here the best.

02:04:04.000 Because the winter, it rains all the time.

02:04:06.000 It rains like once a week. 0.99

02:04:07.000 And that's what we fucking need, man. 0.99

02:04:09.000 It's not natural to be living in a place where it doesn't rain. 0.98

02:04:12.000 And when you really realize that is when there's fires. 0.98

02:04:16.000 I mean, there's always these fucking brush fires in California. 0.97

02:04:18.000 Every couple of years or so, there's a brush fire. 0.99

02:04:21.000 Well, you and I talk about moving to Colorado.

02:04:23.000 Dude, I'm down.

02:04:24.000 But Colorado just had massive fires as well. 0.99

02:04:26.000 We gotta get ourselves a big plot of land and build some fucking... 0.99

02:04:29.000 I'm down. 0.99

02:04:30.000 Create a village, grow our own food.

02:04:32.000 Yes.

02:04:32.000 Have pigs.

02:04:33.000 We can shoot from a chopper. 0.99

02:04:34.000 Yeah.

02:04:35.000 And that's very important.

02:04:36.000 Well, the pigs really can get out of hand when they're feral. 0.99

02:04:39.000 We gotta have a gym. 0.99

02:04:40.000 A jiu-jitsu gym.

02:04:41.000 Yes.

02:04:42.000 Rifle range.

02:04:43.000 By the way, my podcast, tomorrow or the next day, I'm going to be interviewing Nate Marquardt, Strikeforce champion.

02:04:50.000 I'm looking forward to that.

02:04:51.000 In Colorado?

02:04:52.000 No, I'll be in Vegas this weekend at the Paris, ladies and gentlemen.

02:04:56.000 What's he doing?

02:04:57.000 Is he training in Vegas?

02:04:59.000 He's a coach on The Ultimate Fighter.

02:05:01.000 He is?

02:05:02.000 Yes, so I'm going to go in there and meet the guys.

02:05:04.000 Oh, he's one of the assistant coaches for Big Country?

02:05:07.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:05:08.000 No, Shane Carwin.

02:05:09.000 Shane Carwin, of course.

02:05:10.000 Right, yeah.

02:05:11.000 Oh, that makes sense.

02:05:12.000 Yeah, Carwin and Big Country are eventually going to fight.

02:05:15.000 Carwin's got, man, that poor guy's had a lot of bad luck.

02:05:19.000 He just keeps getting these operations.

02:05:21.000 Oh, really?

02:05:21.000 He keeps getting injured.

02:05:22.000 Yeah, back operation, had to get his nose reconstructed, and then he broke it in the next fight and fucked it up again.

02:05:29.000 It's such a hard job, and that's what kills me about a lot of these guys don't make enough money, and they need to.

02:05:33.000 Yeah, it's tough.

02:05:34.000 They just need to.

02:05:37.000 Who do you think is the toughest heavyweight in the world?

02:05:39.000 Is it Junior?

02:05:40.000 Well, Junior's the champ.

02:05:42.000 Until anybody beats Junior.

02:05:43.000 You look at what Junior did to Cain Velasquez.

02:05:46.000 You look at what Junior did to Frank Mir. 1.00

02:05:47.000 Junior's a bad motherfucker. 0.99

02:05:49.000 He's a really good boxer. 1.00

02:05:51.000 He's really hard to take down.

02:05:53.000 And he's a really good MMA boxer.

02:05:55.000 And the difference between MMA boxing and boxing with big gloves is you can't You can't protect yourself the same way with just like a high guard and blocking things because the gloves are small and they can slip through openings and catch your chin or catch your temple.

02:06:09.000 Whereas if you have the big gloves on, you can peck off a lot more shots.

02:06:14.000 And also in MMA boxing, of course, you have to realize that with the smaller gloves, they can hit you and do more damage as well.

02:06:22.000 There's less padding on the glove.

02:06:24.000 So you can't take a shot that you might be able to take with a bigger glove.

02:06:28.000 The margin for error is way slimmer.

02:06:29.000 You make one mistake and get clipped right, you're done.

02:06:32.000 So Junior's the best MMA boxer.

02:06:34.000 You know, he's the best at MMA boxing, whereas, like, you know, Vladimir Klitschko would probably fuck him up at regular boxing.

02:06:41.000 It's a different style.

02:06:43.000 And also, you know, the dealing with...

02:06:45.000 Frank Eggers, I was watching...

02:06:46.000 He's great.

02:06:46.000 His footwork is unbelievable.

02:06:48.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:49.000 I mean, that guy's always moving and hitting at the same time.

02:06:50.000 Did you think he won that fight?

02:06:52.000 I don't know.

02:06:53.000 I watched it, and I watched it very closely.

02:06:55.000 A lot of people thought he won that fight.

02:06:56.000 I can't make that call.

02:06:58.000 I think that at the end of the day, what's-his-name was the champion.

02:07:02.000 You've got to take the belt away from the champion. 0.86

02:07:03.000 That doesn't make sense.

02:07:04.000 They say they should decisively take it away.

02:07:06.000 Well, you know, Frankie lost to him right before that in a close fight.

02:07:11.000 I do know that he's the toughest small man on the planet, and I think that Ben Henderson's a lot bigger than he is physically.

02:07:19.000 Yeah, he is.

02:07:19.000 But that's par for the course for Frankie Edgar.

02:07:22.000 So I don't know, man.

02:07:23.000 I don't know enough about fighting, honestly, to be able to say.

02:07:26.000 I don't know.

02:07:27.000 He's going to go to 145 now, apparently.

02:07:30.000 Frankie is?

02:07:30.000 Frankie is, yeah.

02:07:31.000 He's got Aldo to contend with then.

02:07:33.000 Yeah.

02:07:34.000 That scares me. 0.99

02:07:35.000 All those scary as fuck. 1.00

02:07:37.000 I don't know what you do with those leg kicks and shit. 1.00

02:07:38.000 He's a beast. 1.00

02:07:38.000 And his knees, too. 1.00

02:07:39.000 Oh, those knees. 0.93

02:07:40.000 He knocked Chad Mendes out with a knee.

02:07:42.000 God. 1.00

02:07:42.000 He's a fucking bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:07:44.000 Killers. 1.00

02:07:45.000 You look at every one of these weight classes, like the 55, 45, and the 70. They're just killers, man. 1.00

02:07:50.000 For that matter, 85. Yeah. 0.99

02:07:52.000 Well, that's what the whole sport is now.

02:07:53.000 What it's getting to be now is, like, all these guys who have no weaknesses.

02:07:59.000 They have great takedown defense, they have great stand-up, they have great...

02:08:02.000 I mean, Aldo's world-class in jiu-jitsu.

02:08:04.000 That's a word that gets tossed around a lot.

02:08:06.000 He's world-class.

02:08:08.000 I didn't know that.

02:08:08.000 Yeah, he's a very high...

02:08:09.000 I think he beat Cobrina.

02:08:11.000 He's beaten, like, really big-name jiu-jitsu guys in straight jiu-jitsu competitions.

02:08:16.000 God! 0.99

02:08:17.000 And his fucking stand-up game is what everybody's scared of. 1.00

02:08:21.000 I mean, it's amazing. 0.99

02:08:22.000 When he got Mike Brown, when he won the title, he got Mike Brown on the ground and got his back in a heartbeat and just battered him from that position. 0.99

02:08:31.000 But the way he got his back, I was like, that is some high-level shit. 0.98

02:08:34.000 Mike Brown is good. 0.99

02:08:35.000 Mike Brown is also gorilla strong.

02:08:39.000 Like Eve Edwards was telling me, and I know Mike, you know.

02:08:42.000 And Mike came out to my stand-up actually in West Palm Beach.

02:08:44.000 He's a great guy.

02:08:45.000 Great guy.

02:08:46.000 He's a great guy.

02:08:46.000 And Mike, I've talked to guys who roll with Mike.

02:08:50.000 They go, he's gorilla strong, dude.

02:08:51.000 He goes, when he gets on you, you're not getting off.

02:08:54.000 You're not moving. 0.67

02:08:55.000 That guy is just a gorilla. 1.00

02:08:56.000 Yeah, he's strong as fuck. 1.00

02:08:58.000 And Aldo took his back like a ghost. 0.99

02:09:01.000 Yeah, although he told me about that fight.

02:09:03.000 He goes, he said his hips were just so good.

02:09:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:05.000 Because I tried to do shit and his hips were like fucking, you know. 1.00

02:09:08.000 Well, the thing that a lot of people are concentrating on is soccer players. 1.00

02:09:12.000 That there's another facet of...

02:09:17.000 Everyone always said, wrestlers is a great base.

02:09:21.000 Some people say kickboxing, that's a great base.

02:09:24.000 But lately, soccer players.

02:09:25.000 A lot of people are looking at soccer players that eventually get into jiu-jitsu and kickboxing because they have so much better movement.

02:09:32.000 Their movement forward and backward.

02:09:35.000 Their whole game is about jumping through the air and running across the field and dodging to the left and dodging to the right and kicking a ball before anybody else can kick it.

02:09:45.000 By the way, they also learn how to kick because if you ever...

02:09:48.000 Try sometime, get a D1 soccer player.

02:09:50.000 Try to stop that ball and watch how fast it comes to a ball.

02:09:53.000 It's crazy.

02:09:54.000 And they know how to place it.

02:09:55.000 So they develop this leg dexterity.

02:09:58.000 That's why Aldo has that wicked leg kick.

02:10:01.000 His leg kick is so powerful, man. 1.00

02:10:03.000 He just whips it around and slams that fucking shin bone into your leg. 0.99

02:10:08.000 I talked to Uriah Faber about that. 1.00

02:10:10.000 He was like, I thought I was going to faint when he kicked me.

02:10:12.000 I thought I was going to literally faint.

02:10:14.000 He said, it was crazy.

02:10:15.000 Yeah, that's another new sort of entry point to MMA. Professional level soccer players.

02:10:22.000 Which Aldo was.

02:10:23.000 Aldo was ready to go professional.

02:10:26.000 He's that good.

02:10:27.000 It seems like MMA is more and more gravitating toward those that are master strikers.

02:10:34.000 Because in a way, if you've got two really good wrestlers, they can kind of cancel each other out.

02:10:38.000 After a while, the more you wrestle...

02:10:40.000 In MMA, it doesn't necessarily pay off the way spending time being an excellent striker, understanding angles and all that speed and all.

02:10:49.000 That seems to be because you can end a fight so quickly.

02:10:52.000 Yeah, but you also have to have takedown defense.

02:10:54.000 Yeah, you have to have...

02:10:55.000 If you don't have takedown defense, the striking doesn't mean anything.

02:10:58.000 But it seems like if you have two really good NCAA wrestlers or Olympic wrestlers...

02:11:03.000 It's going to be hard to take either one of them down.

02:11:05.000 So that's why they're going to stand up now.

02:11:08.000 Well, you know, a lot of the wrestlers, they develop insane punching power, too, because they learn how to throw themselves into a punch the way they would throw themselves into a power double.

02:11:18.000 Like, look at Dan Henderson, who's more of a Greco wrestler, or King Mo.

02:11:23.000 King Mo's a good example. 1.00

02:11:24.000 That motherfucker can punch. 1.00

02:11:26.000 And one of the reasons why he can punch is because he knows how to throw his body into things. 1.00

02:11:30.000 You know, he's used to like putting some serious horsepower into his double legs and he puts that into his right hand now and ba-boom! 1.00

02:11:37.000 He just drops that shit on you. 0.98

02:11:38.000 That's why when you see guys like Jon Jones and Anderson and how they separate themselves and GSP, they are really extraordinary people. 1.00

02:11:45.000 There's just something about them.

02:11:46.000 Well, first of all, Jon's very physically gifted.

02:11:49.000 Yeah.

02:11:49.000 The distance of his limbs.

02:11:52.000 How tall is he?

02:11:52.000 I think he's 6'3", but his limbs are, he's got longer arms, maybe 6'4", but he's got longer arms than Semmy Schilt, who's a heavyweight.

02:12:01.000 He was the K1 Heavyweight Grand Prix multiple-time champion, because no one could get in on Semmy.

02:12:07.000 Semi's arms and legs are so long that everybody got fucked up trying to get to him, including guys like Badr Hari. 0.96

02:12:12.000 And he dropped them with front kicks to the body and shit, because Semi's seven feet tall. 0.99

02:12:16.000 Well, Jon has longer arms than him, and he's six foot four. 0.99

02:12:20.000 He's got crazy long arms and legs.

02:12:22.000 And the reach, when we measure reach in MMA, we only measure from the shoulder to the hands.

02:12:28.000 You know, to like the fingertips, like how far you can touch.

02:12:31.000 But that's not real reach for MMA because you've got to factor in the legs. 0.98

02:12:35.000 And John's legs are so fucking long, he can kick you from a place where you can't even touch him. 0.74

02:12:39.000 I went and watched him fight Shogun and he looked like just in a completely different weight class, like a different human being. 0.98

02:12:44.000 And, by the way, he's only been striking for four years.

02:12:48.000 Shogun is a long-time MMA champion.

02:12:53.000 He's just crazy gifted.

02:12:54.000 He's very gifted.

02:12:55.000 He's a super athlete.

02:12:56.000 He's just one of those guys that...

02:12:58.000 And it's the perfect storm of being a smart guy, being a guy who works hard, who has good coaching, and is a great athlete.

02:13:07.000 All of them together.

02:13:07.000 And with crazy physical attributes.

02:13:11.000 John, every time you see him, he's better.

02:13:12.000 You see him six months later, he's a way better fighter than he was six months later.

02:13:15.000 He also loves what he does.

02:13:16.000 It seems like he's just so enthusiastic.

02:13:18.000 If that's the truth, he should have taken the Chael Sonnen fight next weekend.

02:13:21.000 He passed on that fight on eight days notice, which I thought...

02:13:25.000 I could see his point of view, but if I was in his corner, I would have said, you're going to beat this guy.

02:13:30.000 This is a guy who's coming up from 85. You're a way better fighter than him.

02:13:33.000 And you're going to make it look like a hero that you accepted this fight on short notice.

02:13:37.000 And you get to silence Chell Sonnen. 1.00

02:13:40.000 He's talking a lot of shit about you. 1.00

02:13:41.000 You just shut him down, beat his ass, and that's all done. 1.00

02:13:45.000 And it's an opportunity to make some money. 1.00

02:13:47.000 But he didn't, he felt like it was too big of a change to change up with eight days.

02:13:51.000 And it could have been also that Chael had been taunting him.

02:13:54.000 And so he didn't, you know, didn't want to like...

02:13:56.000 Yeah, also there's, it's also if he loses, if he wins, eh, big deal.

02:14:02.000 You know, he was supposed to.

02:14:03.000 If he loses, it's a big deal.

02:14:04.000 Yeah, but if he wins, it's still big. 1.00

02:14:06.000 He just still establishes himself as a bad motherfucker and a scary dude. 1.00

02:14:11.000 It's just what he is. 0.99

02:14:12.000 You know, the way he shut down Rampage, the way he shut down Rashad, the way he choked out Machida.

02:14:17.000 I mean, I just don't see Chael Sonnen being able to deal with that skill set.

02:14:23.000 I think Chael, if he had a full camp and really got a chance to really bulk up to 205 for legit...

02:14:29.000 Where he's, you know, then it would be a different story.

02:14:31.000 But in this, you know, in MMA though, I'm just saying that anything can happen in this sport, right?

02:14:35.000 So as a fighter, you're aware of that, you know?

02:14:38.000 And you have to contend with that directly and emotionally and all those things.

02:14:42.000 So you have a rematch clause.

02:14:43.000 So you have a rematch clause.

02:14:44.000 So if Chael submits him or something like that, he's got a rematch clause.

02:14:47.000 And the rematch is even bigger. 0.90

02:14:48.000 It'd be fucking gigantic.

02:14:50.000 I also think maybe that card in the UFC seems to be very aggressive about putting on a lot more events than they used to, and maybe they could scale it back a little bit. 0.94

02:15:00.000 I don't think they can.

02:15:01.000 I think with Fuel TV, with the responsibilities they have for FX, yeah, there's more demand.

02:15:06.000 Is there, though, or is there more demand, or is there just...

02:15:10.000 More obligation because of their contracts.

02:15:12.000 That's a good point.

02:15:13.000 Good point.

02:15:13.000 But there's not just obligations because of the contract.

02:15:17.000 There's obligations for the amount of fighters that are under contract for the UFC that you have to keep working.

02:15:22.000 You can't have a guy under contract and not have him work but once a year.

02:15:25.000 Oh, that makes sense.

02:15:26.000 How's he going to survive?

02:15:28.000 Fighters have to fight at least two, three times a year.

02:15:31.000 And you can't do that unless you put on a lot of events.

02:15:35.000 The UFC has more than 250 fighters under contract.

02:15:39.000 And I think it's more than that now.

02:15:41.000 That's a lot.

02:15:41.000 That's a big responsibility.

02:15:43.000 You know, people knocked in at White and stuff like that, but that's a big responsibility he has to all those fighters.

02:15:47.000 And now the WEC doesn't exist anymore.

02:15:50.000 So because the WEC doesn't exist anymore, now we have all the 35s, all the 45s.

02:15:55.000 Oh, right.

02:15:56.000 The 55s had already been assimilated a while back.

02:15:58.000 Why not?

02:15:59.000 Because they couldn't say a business to the WEC? No, they just figured it didn't make any sense to keep the two of them together.

02:16:04.000 When, you know, you have guys like...

02:16:07.000 Donald Cerrone, you have guys like Benson Henderson, these great fighters that were fighting the WEC. Now look, Benson's the UFC champion now.

02:16:14.000 Obviously, these guys weren't getting a shot at the top.

02:16:17.000 Can you see what Benson did when he got there?

02:16:19.000 He won.

02:16:20.000 He won the whole thing.

02:16:21.000 So Benson being the WEC champion and now being the UFC champion really lends credence to the fact that it was a good move to bring those guys in.

02:16:30.000 What about Bellator and those other organizations?

02:16:33.000 There's some really good fighters over there.

02:16:34.000 Mike Chandler's really good.

02:16:36.000 He's the lightweight fighter. 0.98

02:16:37.000 He beat Eddie Alvarez, who's also really fucking good. 0.77

02:16:41.000 Those two guys are both world class. 0.97

02:16:44.000 And then there's...

02:16:45.000 Were you expecting more from the 85 where Bella Fatura came over?

02:16:49.000 Yeah.

02:16:49.000 Yeah, Hector Lombard.

02:16:50.000 Apparently he was hurt.

02:16:51.000 Apparently he had a cracked sternum.

02:16:53.000 Oh, wow.

02:16:54.000 Yeah.

02:16:54.000 And he fought anyway.

02:16:55.000 He just didn't have anything in his...

02:16:58.000 A cracked sternum.

02:16:58.000 Think about that.

02:16:59.000 Yeah.

02:16:59.000 So there wasn't much he could do.

02:17:01.000 Yeah, apparently he just didn't have anything in the gas tank.

02:17:03.000 I'll tell you what, though. 1.00

02:17:03.000 His fucking takedowns were ridiculous, and his takedown defense was ridiculous. 1.00

02:17:08.000 And they say he's 5'10". 1.00

02:17:09.000 He's 5'8".

02:17:10.000 He's 5'8".

02:17:11.000 I saw him down on American Top Team.

02:17:13.000 I made a good study of him.

02:17:14.000 A ball of hard rope.

02:17:16.000 I've never seen him like it.

02:17:17.000 He's an extreme mesomorph.

02:17:21.000 That's what he is.

02:17:21.000 Like, he's as thick and strong...

02:17:24.000 I looked at his legs at American Top Team.

02:17:26.000 He was just training, and I just looked at his legs...

02:17:27.000 And I was like, I mean, Thiago Alves is my boy.

02:17:31.000 He's a thick guy.

02:17:32.000 He walks around about 205 and he's about 5'8".

02:17:35.000 Okay?

02:17:36.000 Lombard is a lot bigger than he is. 1.00

02:17:38.000 His back is so ridiculous. 1.00

02:17:41.000 His judo skills are so sick that his takedown defense are ridiculous. 0.99

02:17:45.000 Yeah, Tim Boach grabbed a hold and he's like, nope! 0.95

02:17:48.000 I mean, Bosch is a big guy.

02:17:50.000 Coming down from 205, he's a big 185-er.

02:17:54.000 And, you know, when Lombard wanted to take him down, he took him down.

02:17:58.000 Grabbed him, clamped his arms together, up in the air, boom!

02:18:03.000 But he just didn't do enough.

02:18:04.000 Didn't do enough and lost the decision. 1.00

02:18:06.000 But he's still a scary fuck. 1.00

02:18:08.000 And I think his next fight, he's going to open up a can on somebody. 1.00

02:18:12.000 Anderson's next fight is...

02:18:14.000 Who knows?

02:18:16.000 He actually offered to step in and fight before he knew the card was canceled.

02:18:21.000 He heard that they were without a main event.

02:18:23.000 He said he's not in 85-pound shape, but he can make 205. So he said, I'll fight any 205-pounder.

02:18:28.000 And he wasn't even in shape, like fighting, fighting shape.

02:18:31.000 As in talking about fighting who?

02:18:33.000 Jon Jones?

02:18:33.000 No, he went to fight Jon Jones because he said he wasn't in shape to fight that guy, but he said he'll fight any other 205-pounder.

02:18:38.000 So if they could get an opponent for him, some 185, you know, some 205 pounder wants to step up.

02:18:43.000 He won't fight Machida.

02:18:44.000 They're out of the same house.

02:18:45.000 They won't fight Machida, but there's a lot of other guys at 205. If he had called up just probably a couple days before, they probably would have done that.

02:18:54.000 Who would be a fight for him that would be interesting we haven't seen?

02:18:58.000 Anderson?

02:18:59.000 Yeah.

02:18:59.000 Anybody at 205, for sure.

02:19:02.000 There's a lot of good fights at 205. But what he did to Forrest Griffin and what he did to a lot of 205s.

02:19:06.000 Yeah, well, I would like to see him against Glover, Glover Teixeira.

02:19:09.000 Glover is the scariest fight for Jon Jones at 205, and nobody even knows who Glover is.

02:19:14.000 Glover's a monster.

02:19:15.000 Really? 1.00

02:19:16.000 Oh, he's a monster. 0.96

02:19:17.000 Yeah, he's scary. 0.58

02:19:18.000 How big is he?

02:19:18.000 He's big.

02:19:19.000 He's about 230. He cuts down to 205. Wow.

02:19:22.000 But he doesn't have any weaknesses. 0.99

02:19:23.000 His punching power is ridiculous. 0.98

02:19:25.000 He's got an iron chin. 0.98

02:19:25.000 He's a black belt in jiu-jitsu. 0.98

02:19:27.000 Apparently, he was training with Lyoto Machida and ragdolling him.

02:19:31.000 That's the word.

02:19:32.000 Yeah, but it's a question also of his stand-up.

02:19:34.000 It's not just about punching power.

02:19:36.000 It's about angles and knowing and footwork. 0.99

02:19:38.000 Glover is a killer.

02:19:39.000 He's the one guy that is world-class that wasn't in the UFC until really recently because he had a visa problem.

02:19:45.000 He couldn't fight in America for six years.

02:19:47.000 Where's he from?

02:19:47.000 From Brazil.

02:19:48.000 And he finally got a fight in the UFC and fought Kyle Kingsbury and just blew him out of the water.

02:19:53.000 I mean, it was a scary fight to watch.

02:19:55.000 But he's beaten a lot of high-level guys.

02:19:58.000 He was the first guy to beat Sokuju.

02:19:59.000 He knocked Sokuju out. 0.87

02:20:01.000 He's beaten the fuck out of a lot of guys. 0.99

02:20:03.000 He fucked up Marvin Eastman in Brazil. 1.00

02:20:05.000 He's a beast, man. 1.00

02:20:06.000 He's a scary, scary dude. 0.50

02:20:08.000 That fight is a fight that Shogun turned down.

02:20:11.000 They offered Shogun Glover to share and he didn't think it made any sense to him.

02:20:15.000 He's like, this guy's like world class and nobody knows who he is.

02:20:18.000 And Shogun didn't want to fight him.

02:20:19.000 Shogun wound up fighting Brandon Vera instead, you know, which was a great fight. 0.98

02:20:24.000 What a fucking crazy fight that was. 0.98

02:20:25.000 Who won that? 1.00

02:20:26.000 I didn't see it.

02:20:26.000 Shogun did, but he had some tough times.

02:20:29.000 Brandon put up a great fight.

02:20:31.000 Brandon was there, I think.

02:20:32.000 I think he was taking pictures of people.

02:20:34.000 I think he was a good-looking kid.

02:20:36.000 Big guy.

02:20:37.000 He was there.

02:20:38.000 He was at Denver.

02:20:39.000 He was a really nice guy taking pictures of everybody.

02:20:40.000 Brandon is a great guy.

02:20:41.000 He got a bad rap for a while.

02:20:43.000 He's a great dude.

02:20:44.000 I love Brandon.

02:20:45.000 But that was an incredible, incredible fight. 0.99

02:20:47.000 But it's interesting that Shogun was like, you know what, this Glover Teixeira guy, fuck that. 0.97

02:20:51.000 It's like, you need to set up that fight. 0.91

02:20:53.000 That's a fight where people need to know who Glover is first, because this has got to be worth a lot of money.

02:20:58.000 This is a risky-ass fight.

02:21:00.000 Glover's like the most unknown guy at 205 that's super top-level and scary.

02:21:05.000 I would love to see him versus Jon Jones.

02:21:07.000 I think that would be very interesting.

02:21:08.000 Because Glover's a really seasoned striker.

02:21:11.000 Really seasoned. 0.99

02:21:12.000 And tough as fucking nails. 0.99

02:21:14.000 But he's got to do it soon. 0.99

02:21:15.000 I think he's 32 now. 0.99

02:21:17.000 You know, John is fucking skyrocketing. 0.99

02:21:20.000 Hey, listen. 0.99

02:21:20.000 You got Hendo at 41, right? 0.99

02:21:22.000 He's fucked up, though. 0.99

02:21:23.000 His knee's torn up now. 1.00

02:21:25.000 It's going to be a while for him before he heals up.

02:21:27.000 I've talked to other wrestlers about Henderson.

02:21:29.000 They say there's wrestling strong and then there's Dan Henderson strong.

02:21:32.000 Oh, he's an animal.

02:21:33.000 They say he's the strongest guy on the planet.

02:21:34.000 Yeah.

02:21:35.000 Well, his massage guy that used to work on him said he's never massaged a guy.

02:21:39.000 He said he's made out of wood.

02:21:40.000 Yeah.

02:21:40.000 So he's never massaged a guy like that.

02:21:41.000 He's the densest human being on earth.

02:21:42.000 I know his massage therapist now, and she said the same thing.

02:21:47.000 I think she said to his father, he goes, what did you feed him?

02:21:49.000 He goes, I didn't feed him.

02:21:50.000 I just gave him a gun and told him I found his own food.

02:21:53.000 I'm like, well, there it is!

02:21:54.000 Yeah, he's always like...

02:21:55.000 Speaking of it, when are we eating those steaks?

02:21:56.000 I want to know.

02:21:57.000 I'm hungry.

02:21:57.000 Yeah, well, the podcast is two hours and 22 minutes, so we'll just do a little bit more podcasting.

02:22:03.000 No one cut it loose.

02:22:04.000 Do it.

02:22:04.000 I'm getting hungry.

02:22:04.000 You're going to go to Alaska?

02:22:06.000 You're going to come with me?

02:22:06.000 I'm coming with you.

02:22:07.000 100%.

02:22:08.000 How can I say no to that?

02:22:09.000 You can't say no.

02:22:09.000 I'm supposed to shoot this TV show.

02:22:11.000 Suck my TV show. 0.99

02:22:13.000 I'll find my opening, and I'm coming. 1.00

02:22:14.000 It's five days.

02:22:15.000 Yeah, you got to go.

02:22:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:22:17.000 Fuck whatever stupid TV show it is. 1.00

02:22:18.000 I'm going to see you. 1.00

02:22:19.000 Are you still doing that Death Valley thing?

02:22:21.000 No, it got cancelled.

02:22:22.000 What a bummer.

02:22:23.000 It was so fun. 0.99

02:22:23.000 It sucked. 0.99

02:22:24.000 Six people saw it, but I loved it. 0.98

02:22:26.000 Sixteen.

02:22:26.000 I heard it was sixteen.

02:22:27.000 Sixteen people?

02:22:28.000 Good, good, good.

02:22:28.000 Was it good?

02:22:29.000 Was it a good show?

02:22:30.000 I had one of the best times I've ever had.

02:22:31.000 I played a perverted police chief. 1.00

02:22:35.000 And they let me just improvise and do my own shit. 1.00

02:22:38.000 It was all like werewolves and monsters. 0.99

02:22:40.000 It was so much fun.

02:22:41.000 You called me up. 0.91

02:22:42.000 I remember you told me how ridiculous it was. 0.85

02:22:44.000 And I would hold a meeting about our current werewolf or vampire problem.

02:22:49.000 What happened that we got obsessed with vampires and werewolves?

02:22:54.000 It's just in the zeitgeist.

02:22:55.000 I know what it is.

02:22:56.000 What is it?

02:22:56.000 There was a theory.

02:22:57.000 I don't know.

02:22:57.000 I think in those kinds of things, a lot of times technology starts moving so quickly and we just, you know, it's all technical and stuff and we just want something.

02:23:04.000 We want recess.

02:23:05.000 We want magic.

02:23:06.000 I think being afraid though, well first of all, I think what happened with vampires was they're really sexy.

02:23:12.000 I mean, Bram Stoker wrote Dracula in response to the repressive Victorian age.

02:23:19.000 It was essentially a metaphor for how repressive we were on the surface, yet how perverted we were underneath. 1.00

02:23:27.000 And along comes this handsome as shit guy who comes in, sucks your blood, and guess what? 1.00

02:23:31.000 You have an orgasm. 1.00

02:23:33.000 That's what those girls were doing. 1.00

02:23:34.000 He'd come in, handsome as shit with a cape, and suck your blood, suck your neck. 1.00

02:23:40.000 Do you remember the Gary Oldman? 1.00

02:23:42.000 Oh, yeah!

02:23:43.000 The Gary Baldwin version was super sexual.

02:23:45.000 Yes, it was sexual.

02:23:46.000 It always was.

02:23:46.000 It was a response to that repressive Victorian age where everybody was terrified of syphilis and going to hell.

02:23:52.000 And at the end of the day, they were all fucking each other. 0.98

02:23:55.000 They'd be yanking them dresses up and just railing each other. 1.00

02:23:58.000 Like, I shouldn't be doing this.

02:23:59.000 I swear to God, I'll go to church tomorrow.

02:24:01.000 Well, back then, they used to put dresses on legs of tables.

02:24:06.000 They didn't want people being sexually excited by piano legs.

02:24:09.000 Oh, there you go.

02:24:10.000 They used to dress table legs. 0.78

02:24:12.000 I believe it.

02:24:13.000 You don't have to.

02:24:14.000 It's the truth.

02:24:15.000 It's not a belief thing. 0.99

02:24:16.000 It's fucking craziness. 1.00

02:24:17.000 People were nuts. 1.00

02:24:18.000 People have always been, in a lot of societies, always been obsessed with the sexual problem. 0.99

02:24:23.000 That's why men and women never were allowed to work together. 0.99

02:24:25.000 Because no matter what, when you get men and women together, shit happens. 0.99

02:24:29.000 It's supposed to. 1.00

02:24:30.000 It's supposed to fuck. 1.00

02:24:31.000 But that's why it's fascinating. 1.00

02:24:33.000 But societies have always been, actually, most societies throughout history have always been concerned and centered around figuring out a way to keep that wall up.

02:24:42.000 Right.

02:24:43.000 It's really interesting.

02:24:44.000 Well, people that need to get to work.

02:24:45.000 They do it with guilt. 0.99

02:24:46.000 They make women feel like sluts if they have sex. 1.00

02:24:49.000 They make men feel guilty. 1.00

02:24:51.000 And a lot of it had to do with a lot of times you'd get a bad disease, man.

02:24:53.000 Before penicillin, and now they got gonorrhea, a strain of gonorrhea in Japan that is antibiotic-resistant. 1.00

02:25:01.000 Don't fuck in Japan. 1.00

02:25:02.000 Don't fuck in Japan, man. 1.00

02:25:04.000 Not yet. 1.00

02:25:05.000 Wait until they cure it.

02:25:06.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:25:07.000 What is it about today, though, that the vampires don't have vampire characteristics?

02:25:13.000 It's like I was talking about that movie, Born Legacy.

02:25:18.000 Did you see it?

02:25:19.000 No.

02:25:19.000 It's good.

02:25:20.000 Fun movie.

02:25:21.000 But there's this engineered super killer who is constantly saving this hot chick through this movie. 0.66

02:25:27.000 Constantly saving her.

02:25:28.000 Yeah.

02:25:29.000 Just... 1.00

02:25:29.000 Carrying her, jumping and throwing over her shoulder, jumping a fucking chasm with her. 1.00

02:25:34.000 Never fucks her. 1.00

02:25:34.000 And I'm like, what is this? 1.00

02:25:36.000 Nonsense.

02:25:37.000 She is weeping.

02:25:38.000 She's holding on to him.

02:25:39.000 They're alone.

02:25:40.000 All men. 0.93

02:25:41.000 They're alone in a house.

02:25:42.000 They're sleeping in the same room.

02:25:44.000 You're selling a male fantasy.

02:25:45.000 It's nonsense. 0.90

02:25:46.000 You want to save a woman. 0.89

02:25:48.000 It's a girl fantasy. 0.98

02:25:49.000 Both. 1.00

02:25:49.000 But it's the girl fantasy because he doesn't fuck her. 1.00

02:25:51.000 If it was a male fantasy, it'd be 007. Right. 1.00

02:25:53.000 He saves her, then he fucks her. 1.00

02:25:55.000 Right. 0.99

02:25:55.000 But this guy just saves her. 0.99

02:25:57.000 There's no time to come.

02:25:57.000 He doesn't even kiss her.

02:25:58.000 At the end of the movie, after they've been through so much together, they're looking at each other eye to eye and smiling.

02:26:04.000 That's it! 1.00

02:26:05.000 No fucking! 1.00

02:26:06.000 She doesn't pull his cock out. 1.00

02:26:08.000 She doesn't start sucking it. 1.00

02:26:08.000 What am I doing? 1.00

02:26:09.000 I shouldn't do this. 1.00

02:26:10.000 I want him to love and respect me, but I want his cock in my mouth. 1.00

02:26:13.000 No, there's none of that. 1.00

02:26:14.000 But that's the same thing with vampires.

02:26:16.000 These vampires, they can go out in the sun now, and they just sparkle.

02:26:20.000 They just want to be with you.

02:26:21.000 They don't want to kill you.

02:26:22.000 They eat deer blood. 1.00

02:26:23.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

02:26:25.000 But that was the whole... 1.00

02:26:26.000 The reason Twilight was so big is that he was an outsider. 0.97

02:26:30.000 He was a leper.

02:26:31.000 And she could only see him at night.

02:26:34.000 It was Romeo and Juliet.

02:26:35.000 That's what it was.

02:26:36.000 But it wasn't Romeo and Juliet because Romeo was 14 too. 1.00

02:26:39.000 This motherfucker's a thousand years old. 0.99

02:26:41.000 I know. 1.00

02:26:42.000 Okay?

02:26:42.000 And she has a dilemma.

02:26:44.000 He's several hundred years old.

02:26:45.000 Should I get turned and be with him forever? 1.00

02:26:47.000 Yeah, but she's a fucking high school kid. 1.00

02:26:49.000 What is wrong with him? 1.00

02:26:50.000 He's a creepy cocksucker. 1.00

02:26:51.000 Well, listen, she was fucking cute. 1.00

02:26:53.000 It's all unrequited. 0.98

02:26:54.000 Do you think you'd be cool with that?

02:26:55.000 And he was in high school.

02:26:56.000 No, he wasn't.

02:26:57.000 No, he wasn't. 1.00

02:26:57.000 Fuck you, Joe! 1.00

02:26:58.000 He was in high school in the 1800s. 1.00

02:27:00.000 You don't fucking know! 0.99

02:27:00.000 He was taking science class. 0.99

02:27:02.000 Didn't he, like, uh, is everyone dying from, like, the Spanish flu or something like that?

02:27:06.000 Yeah, influenza or something like that?

02:27:08.000 Yeah, that was, like, the early 1900s. 0.99

02:27:09.000 That guy was old as fuck. 1.00

02:27:11.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

02:27:12.000 Listen, man, the older you get, though. 0.98

02:27:15.000 It's like Dom Herrera.

02:27:16.000 Dom Herrera was saying, we were all hanging out one time a long time ago and there were these girls there and Dom goes, those girls are good looking. 0.99

02:27:22.000 And I go, yeah, they're fucking 21. Yeah, they look pretty good from here. 0.98

02:27:27.000 And he goes, no, because at that age, you know, a girl could have a goat head. 1.00

02:27:30.000 I wouldn't really give a fuck. 1.00

02:27:31.000 21 with a goat head. 1.00

02:27:33.000 I'd be like, that chick with a goat head has got a really nice body. 1.00

02:27:35.000 It's fine for me.

02:27:36.000 She's 21, you know.

02:27:37.000 Well, it's funny that, you know, the thing comparing the way gay men look at men as compared to the way women look at men.

02:27:45.000 And with women, what's important is a guy's eyes, his smile, his jawline. 0.99

02:27:51.000 With men, with gay men, these dudes don't even have to have heads.

02:27:54.000 They just look at a body. 1.00

02:27:55.000 If you could find like a hot guy who was headless, just stuck his fucking hairy ass up in there, guys would just be stroking and they'd be like, yeah, I don't need a head. 0.99

02:28:04.000 My buddy Keith's got a boyfriend, and his name is Stan, and he wears his hair over one eye. 1.00

02:28:08.000 Did I tell you this?

02:28:08.000 Oh, no, he didn't.

02:28:09.000 And he's Filipino.

02:28:10.000 He's really good looking. 1.00

02:28:11.000 He's got this bubble ass and big tits. 1.00

02:28:13.000 Oh, big tits? 1.00

02:28:15.000 Yeah, just he does a lot of bench. 1.00

02:28:16.000 He's got a full mouth, and my buddy Keith is really macho.

02:28:20.000 And he makes millions of dollars and he was like staring at him one time and he was like, look at him. 0.99

02:28:24.000 Look at how fucking beautiful he is. 0.95

02:28:27.000 And I go, I was like, oh yeah. 1.00

02:28:28.000 And he goes, you know why I put up with all this bullshit? 0.99

02:28:30.000 I go, why? 1.00

02:28:31.000 He goes, look at that ass. 1.00

02:28:33.000 And I was like, but I get it. 1.00

02:28:35.000 I was like, you're not even, you're not really even gay. 1.00

02:28:37.000 You're just a dude who fucks guys. 0.99

02:28:39.000 I'm not even sure that's, like you're just so hyper male that you gotta, you know. 1.00

02:28:42.000 Oh, that's silly. 1.00

02:28:43.000 He's gay. 1.00

02:28:44.000 All right, well don't fuck. 1.00

02:28:45.000 Gay guys are just guys who are gay. 1.00

02:28:47.000 The guy's hairless with a full mouth. 0.99

02:28:49.000 He's a guy.

02:28:52.000 A lot of guys are into the Asian guys.

02:28:55.000 That's where Asian guys are cherished.

02:28:57.000 Whereas Asian guys have a hard time when it comes to white women. 1.00

02:29:00.000 A lot of white women are like, what the fuck? 1.00

02:29:01.000 I went and saw... 1.00

02:29:02.000 I went with some of the cast from The Hangover. 0.99

02:29:04.000 I went to the fucking ladyboy show in Thailand. 0.99

02:29:07.000 Let me explain something to you. 1.00

02:29:09.000 One day... 1.00

02:29:09.000 I'd last a day in jail before I was banging the shit out of those fucking dudes, alright? 1.00

02:29:14.000 One day I'd last. 1.00

02:29:15.000 I'd be like, you know what?

02:29:16.000 You look so... 1.00

02:29:17.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:29:18.000 In the butt or the mouth? 1.00

02:29:20.000 Who gives a... 0.99

02:29:21.000 Yes! 1.00

02:29:22.000 What if he's got a cock? 1.00

02:29:23.000 You'd be able to look down at the little... 0.99

02:29:25.000 Look, dude, just put a knocking over or something.

02:29:27.000 They're tiny anyway.

02:29:28.000 Push it to the side. 1.00

02:29:29.000 What if you felt, as you're fucking him in the ass, you felt his cock slapping against your butthole? 1.00

02:29:35.000 How many drinks have I had? 1.00

02:29:37.000 How many drinks have I had?

02:29:38.000 How much alcohol?

02:29:39.000 Two drinks. 0.99

02:29:40.000 I gotta have at least three, dude, otherwise it's gay. 1.00

02:29:42.000 You gotta tell him, listen, you gotta hold on to your cock while I'm fucking in the ass because it's slapping me in the asshole. 1.00

02:29:47.000 Look, bro, bro, get me some masking tape. 1.00

02:29:49.000 I'll tape it right to your belly button and don't fucking look me in the eye. 1.00

02:29:53.000 How feminine did they look? 0.99

02:29:56.000 They're some of the best looking women I've ever seen in my life. 1.00

02:29:59.000 Did I answer your fucking question? 1.00

02:30:01.000 And did they show their cocks? 1.00

02:30:02.000 Like, what does it show? 0.90

02:30:03.000 No, they don't.

02:30:03.000 They tape them down.

02:30:05.000 It's ladyboys, and a lot of them have had the operation already. 1.00

02:30:07.000 So then, what are they then?

02:30:09.000 Look, Brody Stevens asked him.

02:30:11.000 He was being, like, his face was being stroked.

02:30:13.000 And I looked at Brody.

02:30:14.000 I go, listen, Brody. 1.00

02:30:15.000 If you take that girl slash guy home and fuck her tonight, you're not gay. 1.00

02:30:21.000 And I'll defend you to the fucking day you die. 1.00

02:30:23.000 Because that's one of the best looking chicks I've ever seen in my life. 1.00

02:30:26.000 Right.

02:30:26.000 And he was like, no, I can't.

02:30:28.000 But gee whiz, look at her. 1.00

02:30:30.000 I can't do that. 0.99

02:30:31.000 But yeah, they were fucking beautiful. 0.96

02:30:34.000 A couple of them, I was like, that's a girl. 0.98

02:30:36.000 There's no way that's a guy.

02:30:37.000 It's impossible that that's a guy.

02:30:39.000 And they were like, that's a guy.

02:30:40.000 Well, we had one on the man show that was so pretty that we were hanging out at the comedy store and she was pulling up, or he, whatever you want to call her, was pulling up in a car and Eddie Bravo was like, whoa, check out this chick. 0.91

02:30:53.000 That girl's so pretty. 1.00

02:30:55.000 I go, dude, that's a guy.

02:30:56.000 I was in Cheetahs.

02:30:57.000 I was at Cheetahs in Vegas, okay?

02:31:01.000 And that's a big strip club. 1.00

02:31:03.000 And there was a girl there with a cowboy hat. 1.00

02:31:07.000 Who had a line of men trying to bring her into the room to have a dance. 1.00

02:31:11.000 The reason I knew that that was a guy was because on MADtv, one of our makeup women used to be a guy. 0.98

02:31:18.000 And she was friends with this person who had become a woman.

02:31:23.000 So I knew that that was a transsexual. 0.99

02:31:26.000 And she was also, she was Vietnamese. 0.99

02:31:29.000 She was fucking gorgeous. 0.98

02:31:32.000 Then she later got married to a very wealthy, I think I can say it. 0.99

02:31:37.000 I don't want to say it, but he was a very, very well-known rocker, a guitarist.

02:31:42.000 Wait a minute.

02:31:43.000 It's a rock star?

02:31:44.000 Not a rock star, but he made a lot of money in a band, a very popular band.

02:31:49.000 And he married a he-she? 1.00

02:31:50.000 And he married her, which only gave me more respect for him.

02:31:54.000 Really?

02:31:55.000 Who is it?

02:31:57.000 Come on.

02:31:58.000 I don't want to say.

02:31:59.000 It's probably public.

02:32:00.000 Actually, no, I know, but I don't want to say because I don't want them to know that this person was stripping. 0.99

02:32:05.000 There's a lot of shit that goes on with this. 0.98

02:32:07.000 Oh, okay. 0.99

02:32:08.000 I don't want to, you know.

02:32:10.000 I'll tell you later, obviously.

02:32:10.000 Well, this guy that had become a girl that Eddie Bravo had seen in the car, we had her on the man show.

02:32:15.000 And the man show was...

02:32:17.000 The man show...

02:32:18.000 You see that sign behind...

02:32:19.000 It said, Make Me Hard?

02:32:21.000 See that?

02:32:21.000 This sign right here?

02:32:22.000 That was the game.

02:32:23.000 The game was Make Me Hard. 1.00

02:32:24.000 And what it was was we had an electronic box over a dude's dick. 0.99

02:32:28.000 And we would decide when the light would go off. 0.99

02:32:30.000 There's a red light on it. 0.98

02:32:31.000 And the light would indicate that he has an erection. 0.99

02:32:34.000 So we would have different things in front of him, like a midget eating a banana, all these different things that would give him a boner. 1.00

02:32:42.000 It was a fun gig. 0.99

02:32:44.000 But when we did it, we did one of them with a transsexual, and she was fucking hot, man. 0.99

02:32:50.000 I'm telling you, you would not be able to tell. 0.99

02:32:52.000 So she's on this guy's lap, okay?

02:32:55.000 And the guy's going, woo-woo!

02:32:57.000 She's got whipped cream. 1.00

02:32:58.000 She puts whipped cream on her tits. 1.00

02:33:00.000 He sucks the whipped cream off her tits. 1.00

02:33:02.000 Everybody's going fucking crazy. 1.00

02:33:04.000 The audience is going shithouse. 1.00

02:33:06.000 Then she pulls out her panties and unveils this dick that looks like it had been poisoned. 1.00

02:33:15.000 Because she'd been taking all these female hormones. 1.00

02:33:18.000 Oh no. 1.00

02:33:18.000 So her dick was like black and sick. 1.00

02:33:22.000 It was like it had been... 1.00

02:33:23.000 It was atrophying.

02:33:24.000 Yeah.

02:33:25.000 Oh yeah, for sure.

02:33:26.000 Not just atrophying.

02:33:27.000 It was like it was completely cut off from the process.

02:33:30.000 Like withered away. 0.69

02:33:31.000 See, now I have a boner.

02:33:32.000 Is that weird? 0.99

02:33:32.000 It was black. 0.99

02:33:33.000 It was a black dick. 1.00

02:33:34.000 And she was not black. 1.00

02:33:35.000 She was like a Latina, something or another. 1.00

02:33:37.000 But her dick was dark. 1.00

02:33:39.000 It was dark. 1.00

02:33:40.000 It was tired.

02:33:41.000 It was rotting.

02:33:42.000 It was like it was rotting away.

02:33:44.000 And she pulls it out in front of everybody, in front of the crowd.

02:33:47.000 And the collective...

02:33:49.000 Oh! 0.60

02:33:50.000 Of everyone.

02:33:51.000 And the look of repulsion in the guy's eyes.

02:33:55.000 Oh my god! 1.00

02:33:58.000 He's tied to this chair with this box over his dick. 1.00

02:34:02.000 By the way, the red light's flashing like crazy now. 0.99

02:34:05.000 Because we control the red light.

02:34:06.000 It wasn't really when he had a corner.

02:34:08.000 So the lights, everyone's going, oh! 0.99

02:34:10.000 And there's a dick right in front of his face. 1.00

02:34:12.000 And this crazy bitch that he had just sucked... 1.00

02:34:15.000 Whipped cream off her tits. 1.00

02:34:17.000 And now she's got this cock in front of them. 1.00

02:34:19.000 By the way, they had no problem with that. 0.99

02:34:21.000 Comedy Central had no problem with that.

02:34:22.000 But they did have a problem with hard.

02:34:24.000 The reason why that sign is here is because we had to use another sign.

02:34:27.000 Because it couldn't be make me hard.

02:34:29.000 Because make me hard was, they wanted it make me stiff.

02:34:32.000 That's what they said.

02:34:33.000 That was one of the things they argued.

02:34:34.000 Those are arbitrary things that the standards and practices guys decide on the set.

02:34:38.000 It's not even standards and practices.

02:34:39.000 It's the network.

02:34:41.000 Advertisers.

02:34:42.000 It's not even that. 0.99

02:34:43.000 It's just a bunch of dummies who want to have their say on things. 0.84

02:34:45.000 And that's why doing something on the internet is so beautiful.

02:34:48.000 If we had one of those same executives in this room and we were talking about things, they would probably tell us not to talk about it.

02:34:54.000 They would tell us to change the subject. 0.99

02:34:55.000 If someone had to sit down with us and give us a list of shit that we couldn't talk about. 0.98

02:34:59.000 The internet gives you personal responsibility. 0.99

02:35:00.000 It gives you your own sovereignty.

02:35:02.000 And it's what all human beings want and should have.

02:35:05.000 If I don't pee right now, I'm going to die. 0.92

02:35:07.000 Don't die. 0.99

02:35:09.000 Come to Vegas.

02:35:10.000 Two hours and 35 minutes. 1.00

02:35:12.000 Let's wrap this bitch up. 1.00

02:35:13.000 Let's bring this bitch into the harbor. 1.00

02:35:15.000 Check out Brian Callen's podcast. 1.00

02:35:17.000 What is it called?

02:35:18.000 Man Thoughts?

02:35:18.000 Yeah, Man Thoughts with Brian Callen.

02:35:20.000 Brian Callen show.

02:35:21.000 It's real simple.

02:35:22.000 I know. 1.00

02:35:22.000 You're going to fuck yourself by having some other name now. 1.00

02:35:25.000 You keep changing the name. 1.00

02:35:26.000 No, no, that's it.

02:35:26.000 We're sticking to this.

02:35:27.000 It's good.

02:35:27.000 How about the Brian Callen experience?

02:35:29.000 No?

02:35:29.000 Yeah, no.

02:35:30.000 It's the Joe Rogan experience.

02:35:31.000 I stole it from Jimi Hendrix.

02:35:34.000 There's only one Joe Rogan.

02:35:37.000 This weekend, Friday night, now added, Doug Stanhope.

02:35:43.000 Friday and Saturday, it's going to be me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Jafir.

02:35:47.000 Friday night, Doug Stanhope is joining me.

02:35:49.000 We're doing something for Tosh.0 together on Friday during the day. 0.99

02:35:53.000 So when we're done with that, we're going to do the show at the Ice House that night and have a fucking party.

02:35:59.000 So we will have an Ice House Chronicles on Friday that will have Doug Stanhope. 1.00

02:36:03.000 Go take your piss, man. 0.98

02:36:03.000 Go ahead. 0.98

02:36:04.000 Don't worry about me, brother.

02:36:05.000 10-minute podcast.

02:36:06.000 Yeah, follow that and follow Brian Callen, B-R-Y-A-N-C-A-L-L-E-N, on the Twitter.

02:36:14.000 Thank you, everybody, for the positive messages on Twitter and on Facebook and even Google+.

02:36:21.000 I've been on Google +, lately, and I've been on Reddit lately, just for a little bit, but I'm going to do a Reddit Ask Me Anything before my special is released, which should be either at the end of September or the beginning of October, depending on when my website is done.

02:36:35.000 The new studio should be.

02:36:37.000 The lease is signed tomorrow.

02:36:39.000 Hip hip hooray! 1.00

02:36:40.000 And we will begin construction and it will be dope. 1.00

02:36:43.000 And then we will take shit to the next level, you motherfuckers! 1.00

02:36:46.000 It's going to be a hangout. 1.00

02:36:47.000 It's going to be like John Gotti Social Club, but for nice people. 0.98

02:36:51.000 But I'm fucking pumped about it.

02:36:53.000 I've never really had my own place before, like a real place, like an office. 0.95

02:36:59.000 I've got grand plans for this.

02:37:01.000 I'm very, very excited.

02:37:03.000 We've got a lot of cool guests coming up.

02:37:05.000 Survivor Man, I've been in contact with him.

02:37:07.000 He's coming on the podcast.

02:37:08.000 We're going to get Rich Roll, who is a vegan athlete.

02:37:13.000 Mack Danzig, I've got to holler at you as well, who's also another vegan athlete and a great fighter and fights in the UFC. So we gotta represent the vegans.

02:37:21.000 A lot of people think that I hate vegans.

02:37:23.000 I do not, absolutely.

02:37:25.000 And I eat a lot of vegetables.

02:37:27.000 I eat a very vegetable diet.

02:37:29.000 But I like meat.

02:37:31.000 And I eat that too. 1.00

02:37:33.000 Tough shit. 1.00

02:37:34.000 Mostly grass-fed though. 1.00

02:37:35.000 That's the way to go. 0.99

02:37:36.000 Alright, this fucking podcast is over. 0.99

02:37:37.000 I'm rambling! 0.99

02:37:39.000 So come see us this weekend, this Friday and Saturday night at the Ice House.

02:37:44.000 And again, Doug Stanhope will be joining us on Friday.

02:37:47.000 But on Saturday, it'll be Ari Shafir, Joe Diaz, and me.

02:37:52.000 And Ari Shafir and Joe Diaz will also be on the Friday night show.

02:37:56.000 Next weekend, Santa Barbara, the Lo Barrow Theater.

02:37:59.000 That's next Friday night. 0.98

02:38:01.000 And I'm fucking pumped about that. 0.95

02:38:03.000 So that's September 7th. 0.88

02:38:06.000 And then Toronto on the...

02:38:09.000 Oh, the Crest Theater in Sacramento, September 14th.

02:38:12.000 Massey Hall, rather, in Toronto on the 21st.

02:38:16.000 Memorial Hall in Raleigh, North Carolina on the 28th.

02:38:19.000 And the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina on the 29th.

02:38:23.000 And Duncan Trussell says I may move there.

02:38:24.000 I may have to.

02:38:25.000 And those North Carolina dates will be Joe Diaz and Duncan Trussell.

02:38:30.000 All right, you freaks.

02:38:30.000 Thanks to Alienware for sponsoring our podcast by providing us with cool laptops.

02:38:36.000 And thank you for sponsoring so many MMA fighters.

02:38:39.000 Follow Alienware MMA on Twitter, please!

02:38:43.000 And thanks to Onnit.com.

02:38:45.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Go get yourself some Alpha Brain or Shroom Tech or Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport.

02:38:53.000 Get yourself some Bone Strong.

02:38:55.000 Get yourself some New Mood, some Kettlebells, some Battle Robes. 0.97

02:39:01.000 Get your manly shit on and use the codename Rogan and save 10% off any supplements. 0.96

02:39:08.000 The best podcast in the land. 0.99

02:39:09.000 And we will end this thing with Brian Callen singing. 0.99

02:39:12.000 He's got short legs but a tired ass and a burl of snakes for a bite. 0.99

02:39:16.000 We love everybody. 0.99

02:39:18.000 He's got a wide face but expressive eyes and no hair on his head.

02:39:23.000 He's got big hands, big feet.

02:39:27.000 Trying to talk Brian Callan into moving in the neighborhood.

02:39:29.000 Sorry, guys. 0.99

02:39:30.000 All right, you guys, we love you, and this fucking show's over. 0.96

02:39:34.000 Thank you for everybody. 0.98

02:39:35.000 Thank you for everybody, my friend.

02:39:38.000 Thank you for your time.

02:39:39.000 You're good to us.

02:39:42.000 Grillo's pickles.

02:39:42.000 Grillo's pickles in the house.

02:39:44.000 All right, we'll see you guys tomorrow with Mike Berbiglia.

02:39:48.000 Mike Berbiglia will be joining us in the podcast tomorrow, and that's it for the week. 0.99

02:39:52.000 All right, we love you, fucks. 0.99

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 30, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #258 - Bryan Callen

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript