The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #264 - Tom Segura (Part 1)

00:00:03.000 Oh, we're already live?

00:00:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:00:04.000 Damn, watch me tweet and talk at the same time. 0.99

00:00:07.000 You know, there's a lot of guitar players that can do that. 0.99

00:00:11.000 Tweet and guitar?

00:00:12.000 Yeah, they can sing and talk at the same time.

00:00:14.000 Me, I can't even type and talk at the same time.

00:00:18.000 And I don't have to keep any kind of...

00:00:19.000 I spell experience wrong.

00:00:21.000 How do you sing and talk at the same time?

00:00:22.000 It seems impossible.

00:00:23.000 Because sing...

00:00:24.000 I mean, sing and play guitar at the same time.

00:00:27.000 But they'll also play guitar and keep playing the song and then talk to you about something.

00:00:33.000 You know what I mean?

00:00:34.000 Like, oh no man, when you get down there you need to make a left and they're still playing the exact song.

00:00:40.000 Their brain can do both at the same time.

00:00:42.000 Yeah, it's like drummers.

00:00:43.000 I don't get that.

00:00:44.000 Or a drummer has one beat on one leg, one beat on the other leg. 0.96

00:00:48.000 Dude, how goddamn impressive is Dice's kid? 0.95

00:00:51.000 Yeah, Max. 1.00

00:00:52.000 Max is a fucking beast. 1.00

00:00:55.000 Really? 1.00

00:00:55.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:00:56.000 God, dude.

00:00:58.000 We had Max Silverstein.

00:00:59.000 He came on the show with Dice, and we played a video of it.

00:01:02.000 And I had seen him do it live when we went to Dice's show, because his band does a song before Dice comes out.

00:01:11.000 So I knew that the kid could play the drums, but there's a video of him at the comedy lab next to the improv.

00:01:18.000 And whose show was it on?

00:01:21.000 I don't know.

00:01:22.000 Whatever it was. 1.00

00:01:23.000 The fucking kid's insane. 1.00

00:01:25.000 I mean, he's not just good at the drums. 1.00

00:01:27.000 He's sick. 1.00

00:01:28.000 I mean, he looks like a fucking professional. 1.00

00:01:31.000 Really? 0.99

00:01:31.000 Oh, it's amazing, man. 0.99

00:01:33.000 The hand-eye coordination is ridiculous. 0.99

00:01:35.000 I mean, he fucking goes off on this solo, and he nails it. 1.00

00:01:39.000 He nails it perfect. 1.00

00:01:40.000 And it's one of those moments where you're like, that kid's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:01:44.000 That kid could be a bad motherfucker at all. 1.00

00:01:46.000 Anything he wants. 1.00

00:01:48.000 Anything he wants. 1.00

00:01:50.000 His fucking dad did a great job raising him, man. 1.00

00:01:54.000 That kid loves his father. 1.00

00:01:56.000 That is a beautiful thing to watch, Dyson and his kid.

00:02:01.000 For real. 1.00

00:02:02.000 He loves his fucking kids, man. 1.00

00:02:05.000 And they love him. 1.00

00:02:06.000 And they're all empowered.

00:02:07.000 Like, his son is super confident.

00:02:09.000 Young and strong and smart. 0.99

00:02:12.000 He's fucking got a real shot. 0.99

00:02:14.000 A real shot. 0.99

00:02:16.000 Without anybody's help.

00:02:17.000 Just from talent.

00:02:19.000 Just from, you know, the ability to play drums like that.

00:02:23.000 You can do that. 0.99

00:02:24.000 I really believe you can apply that shit to anything. 0.99

00:02:27.000 And if you go to Onnit and you keep on code Rogan... 0.99

00:02:29.000 You get yourself some alpha brain and learn to function on my level, son.

00:02:36.000 So seamless. 1.00

00:02:37.000 People will make fun of me for this alpha brain, but you can all go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:02:41.000 If you take it and you don't see any results, I think there's something wrong with your brain. 1.00

00:02:46.000 You need to go to a doctor.

00:02:47.000 You need to find out. 1.00

00:02:48.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:02:49.000 You got that from Onnit. 1.00

00:02:50.000 Damn. 1.00

00:02:51.000 That's huge. 1.00

00:02:52.000 Tommy Buns. 1.00

00:02:53.000 He just held up his arms and showed his fucking little apples. 1.00

00:02:55.000 Throwing guns around this room. 1.00

00:02:58.000 Chucking guns around this room.

00:02:59.000 No, so for real, what is Alpha Brain? 0.95

00:03:01.000 It's all best explained on Onnit.com because it was written by sober people, first of all, and second of all, people who understand science other than my level of understanding, which is repeating shit that other people understand, but I don't ever really understand.

00:03:19.000 Do you believe in evolution?

00:03:21.000 Well, I think there is certainly a lot of evidence for natural selection and adaptation, and that it's most likely the way things have evolved.

00:03:31.000 But there's some holes in it.

00:03:32.000 There's some holes?

00:03:33.000 Yeah, we'll talk about it.

00:03:34.000 Yeah, happy question for a commercial.

00:03:35.000 We'll talk about this in the middle of a commercial. 1.00

00:03:36.000 Hey man, I thought that's the way this shit rolls here. 0.98

00:03:38.000 I want to thank audit.com for supporting us. 0.95

00:03:41.000 We got hacked recently, folks, and we had to severely upgrade our technical system, whoever it is, that the website interfaces with.

00:03:53.000 I learned something new, by the way, on passwords.

00:03:57.000 If you use a regular word as a password and maybe a number, that's okay.

00:04:02.000 But the hardest thing that would take, I forget, 32 years for a computer to hack is if you just take three random words and put them together.

00:04:11.000 Like taco...

00:04:14.000 Fart handicap or something like that. 0.99

00:04:16.000 Really?

00:04:16.000 Yeah, and that way the computer will never...

00:04:19.000 Just the odds that it will get to that point is like 32 years.

00:04:23.000 Yeah, but then they'll just have a new computer search engine. 0.99

00:04:25.000 They'll be like, yeah, what, bitch? 1.00

00:04:27.000 And they'll nail it quicker. 1.00

00:04:28.000 What about the capital and then lowercase thing?

00:04:31.000 I don't think that matters at all.

00:04:33.000 Really?

00:04:33.000 Yeah, that's like zero.

00:04:34.000 Most things aren't case sensitive.

00:04:36.000 But either way, onnit.com is spelled O-N-N-I-T. And if you go there...

00:04:42.000 And today is the 11th, September 11th.

00:04:44.000 And if you go there for one more day, use the code GOTYOURBACK and you get 18% off of everything.

00:04:50.000 That includes kettlebells and battle ropes.

00:04:53.000 Because normally the coupon code of Rogan only works for the supplements.

00:04:59.000 It doesn't work for the kettlebells and the battle ropes.

00:05:02.000 The reason being is that we sell those literally as cheap as is humanly possible. 0.94

00:05:06.000 But because of this fuck up, because of the fact that everybody feels terrible that... 0.94

00:05:11.000 This website got hacked. 0.96

00:05:13.000 We don't know whether or not anybody's credit card information got compromised.

00:05:18.000 So far, no one has reported any what they call substantiated fraud, I think they call it. 0.97

00:05:24.000 But whatever it is, some scumbags figured out a way to get into our system. 1.00

00:05:28.000 That sucks. 1.00

00:05:29.000 It's just, I don't understand the way they do it. 0.98

00:05:32.000 I'm completely talking like I'm explaining French to you, though I don't speak French.

00:05:37.000 So I can never really comment.

00:05:39.000 But as far as I know, I mean, it's really, I think, for a lot of these guys, it's fun to see how they can sneak into systems, even if they're not stealing anything.

00:05:50.000 I think there's script kids that are just really bright, and they figure out how to sneak into your system.

00:05:55.000 It's all the games to hunt, man.

00:05:56.000 They're like...

00:05:57.000 I'm trying to see how far they can get.

00:05:59.000 I did some hacker-ish the other day, but I'll talk on the podcast.

00:06:02.000 Let me just get through with this.

00:06:04.000 So because of that, everybody's very bummed out about that, that the credit card information's been compromised.

00:06:11.000 If you go to onnit.com forward slash breach, it'll explain all that.

00:06:15.000 It's just an unfortunate aspect of doing business on the internet.

00:06:18.000 We apologize.

00:06:19.000 Nobody foresaw it this way. 0.99

00:06:22.000 We've beefed up the security considerably So hopefully it won't happen again And whoever hacks us, please don't do that, thanks You don't have to do that, that's mean I know you can do it, okay We know you can do it, please don't do it I don't want anybody to get caught And go to jail for something stupid like that And if that's how you're making your money How dare you, go get a fucking respectable job You son of a bitch, you're stealing numbers from offline You can't do that I'm a big fan of you guys, whoever you are I want to give a shout out 0.98

00:06:51.000 Powerful shout-out to Anonymous, Lulsec, shout-out to the hackers of the world.

00:06:57.000 Yeah, man, look, there's a certain amount of morals that are on the internet when it comes to how things get done as well. 0.99

00:07:06.000 There's a moral attitude of the internet that I think more mirrors society than it does the shit that you see on television, the shit that you see in the news. 0.99

00:07:17.000 When anything goes down, the difference between, like, damn, we shouldn't do this in a commercial. 0.99

00:07:22.000 Let's get through this. 0.96

00:07:23.000 JoeRogan.net.

00:07:24.000 That's my website.

00:07:25.000 Go to Onnit.com.

00:07:27.000 Use, oh, the other phone?

00:07:29.000 Yeah, that's not for today, though.

00:07:30.000 They're not sponsoring us today. 1.00

00:07:31.000 Oh, fuck that. 0.99

00:07:35.000 It's only a part-time thing with the Ting. 1.00

00:07:37.000 We're just trying it out, seeing how it works.

00:07:39.000 The phone is phenomenal, though. 1.00

00:07:40.000 The Samsung Galaxy S3 is the shit. 1.00

00:07:44.000 Is it really? 1.00

00:07:45.000 Sweet.

00:07:45.000 It's sexy looking.

00:07:46.000 It's amazing.

00:07:46.000 It's really great.

00:07:48.000 It's got a little hiccup here and there, but it's really special.

00:07:52.000 I need a new phone.

00:07:52.000 It's a special phone.

00:07:53.000 What's the queefs about it? 0.98

00:07:55.000 It just seems like...

00:07:57.000 I think the iPhone is a really well-designed phone, man.

00:08:03.000 Tomorrow.

00:08:04.000 Is that tomorrow that it comes out?

00:08:05.000 The touch screen, first of all, is better than anything on the planet.

00:08:10.000 The best touch screen.

00:08:11.000 The quality of it feels better than anything.

00:08:14.000 When you have the case on an iPhone and you just feel that metal in glass, it's like the sexiest piece of equipment ever.

00:08:20.000 But you've got to walk around with a condom on it.

00:08:22.000 Because, you know, it's so breakable. 0.99

00:08:24.000 But it's still super duper fucking sexy. 0.94

00:08:27.000 I mean, you hold on to that thing? 0.96

00:08:29.000 I mean, feel that.

00:08:30.000 That's a genius piece of device.

00:08:33.000 And so, that phone is always a little better than everything I've tried. 0.99

00:08:38.000 The way it interfaces, just cleaner, smarter, makes more sense, easier to find shit. 0.98

00:08:43.000 It's just better. 0.98

00:08:44.000 It's like our Tiffany jewelry. 0.99

00:08:45.000 I think my phone really started taking a shit the most today. 0.99

00:08:48.000 Really? 0.98

00:08:48.000 And it's totally because it comes out tomorrow. 0.98

00:08:51.000 I agree.

00:08:51.000 Yeah, Apple's sending out darts.

00:08:53.000 I swear to God.

00:08:54.000 Electronic darts.

00:08:55.000 The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:08:58.000 Go to O-N-N-I-T. We've got to get this podcast started. 0.91

00:09:00.000 This is ridiculous. 0.96

00:09:02.000 That's it. 0.96

00:09:03.000 We're not brought to you by anybody else.

00:09:04.000 Go to deskwad.tv, though, and pick up some funky, sexy cat shirts. 0.99

00:09:08.000 It has been proven that you're 20% more likely to get your penis touched if you're wearing a deskwad cat shirt. 0.99

00:09:15.000 20%. 0.99

00:09:16.000 43% with alcohol. 1.00

00:09:18.000 You add a desk watch shirt and alcohol and someone's going to touch your penis. 1.00

00:09:21.000 And this is a blind study. 1.00

00:09:22.000 Yeah, it's like 3 out of 5 times someone's touching your penis. 1.00

00:09:25.000 Alright? 1.00

00:09:26.000 I feel good for you.

00:09:27.000 I feel like the odds are strong. 1.00

00:09:29.000 Tom Segura's here, you dirty bitches. 1.00

00:09:30.000 Let's get it poppin', Brian. 1.00

00:09:32.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.

00:09:34.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:09:37.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:09:40.000 Oh, sweetness.

00:09:44.000 this. 1.00

00:09:46.000 Tommy Bunz in the fucking house, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00

00:09:49.000 It's good to be back. 1.00

00:09:51.000 It's good to have you, buddy.

00:09:52.000 We're about to just talk nonsense and go through a commercial, and Tommy Bunz hits me with, do you believe in evolution?

00:10:01.000 Oh, I do.

00:10:03.000 I like throwing heavy-handed questions at people, man. 0.99

00:10:04.000 That's a fucking right-hand bomb to open the round. 0.98

00:10:08.000 Well, it's just funny to me, because I was watching this thing about, and this guy was like, this guy fucking believes that evolution should be taught in the classrooms? 0.99

00:10:17.000 And it was like a political ad like that, and I was like, what? 0.99

00:10:20.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:10:22.000 Like, that appeals to somebody that are like, yeah, fuck that guy. 1.00

00:10:25.000 He thinks evolution should be taught? 1.00

00:10:27.000 This guy's a fucking asshole! 1.00

00:10:29.000 You're like, really? 1.00

00:10:30.000 There's actually enough people that believe I'm not a science expert, so I don't want anyone to think like...

00:10:40.000 Wait a minute.

00:10:40.000 Oh, you're about to get...

00:10:41.000 You're not a science expert?

00:10:42.000 I know, I mean...

00:10:43.000 At what point do you become an expert? 0.99

00:10:46.000 Because if you were just you and you lived in the 1400s, you'd be a fucking science expert. 0.99

00:10:51.000 You're probably right. 0.99

00:10:52.000 They'd be like, electricity is God's way of showing you his anger. 0.98

00:10:56.000 You're like, well, no, actually, it's just some shit that's formed by the clouds and the atmosphere. 0.98

00:11:01.000 And... 1.00

00:11:02.000 My president. 1.00

00:11:03.000 You'd be a fucking scientist. 1.00

00:11:04.000 You could explain so much shit to these people. 1.00

00:11:08.000 Well, actually, I would just know it and not know how to explain it. 1.00

00:11:10.000 They would just be like...

00:11:12.000 No, no, you'd draw it.

00:11:13.000 You'd draw it.

00:11:13.000 No, the Earth's round.

00:11:14.000 And they'd be like, how do you know?

00:11:15.000 I'd be like, because I've seen pictures.

00:11:17.000 You would work with those people for a couple days and you'd be so annoyed.

00:11:20.000 You're like, listen, you have to listen to me.

00:11:21.000 I'm your new king.

00:11:22.000 And I'm going to show you how to build an airplane.

00:11:24.000 They'd be like, an airplane? 1.00

00:11:26.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

00:11:27.000 Get some wood. 1.00

00:11:28.000 I'm going to show you.

00:11:29.000 You need...

00:11:30.000 This has got to be straight like that.

00:11:31.000 Think like a bird, but then with a tail up in the air.

00:11:34.000 There's air drafts from above and below.

00:11:36.000 People would go, where did you get this idea from?

00:11:38.000 I don't know, man.

00:11:39.000 They just come to me.

00:11:40.000 They just come to me.

00:11:40.000 You draw like bows and arrows for them.

00:11:42.000 Does that mean that Da Vinci was like from the future and went to the past?

00:11:45.000 I think Da Vinci was...

00:11:46.000 He had too many ideas.

00:11:47.000 Yeah.

00:11:48.000 You know what people love to say when there's a guy like Da Vinci?

00:11:50.000 What?

00:11:51.000 They go...

00:11:51.000 And I wanted to just say it.

00:11:52.000 Just out of instinct He probably had like Asperger's or something Probably autistic They always want to say something like that Like that there's no way You could be That brilliant And not be fucked up Like I'm not willing to believe it You know I don't think that I mean He being like I almost agree that like I don't think you could Go to Da Vinci and be like How do you like your eggs man And he'd be like You know actually I think he would be Talking about all kinds of weird shit 0.95

00:12:17.000 He would be like thinking about what you would look like if you cleaved you in half and pulled you out and could he draw those two sides? 0.97

00:12:23.000 Do you want to donate your body like today?

00:12:24.000 And you're like, no, I'm not dead yet.

00:12:26.000 Did you ever see that exhibit, that Body Works exhibit?

00:12:28.000 Yes.

00:12:28.000 Where they take human bodies?

00:12:30.000 We went together.

00:12:31.000 Yeah, that's right. 1.00

00:12:31.000 That shit is creepy as fuck, dude. 1.00

00:12:34.000 And they were stopping us from taking pictures, remember? 1.00

00:12:36.000 They told us to put our phones away.

00:12:38.000 I had to take camera pictures on the sneak tip.

00:12:41.000 Yeah.

00:12:41.000 Yeah, with like no flash.

00:12:43.000 The horse.

00:12:43.000 Remember the horse?

00:12:44.000 They had this like real horse that had been like...

00:12:46.000 Well, what was fucked up was that if you did this, if you haven't seen it, folks, the Body Works exhibit is an exhibit where they take a bunch of dead bodies and through some new method of somehow or another coating them with plastic and infusing plastic into the muscles, it doesn't change the appearance, but it completely stops them from decaying.

00:13:09.000 So it's really creepy. 0.86

00:13:11.000 And they give you different layers.

00:13:12.000 Yeah.

00:13:13.000 So they give you like full muscle.

00:13:14.000 They think they have an abortion cut in like seven pieces. 0.93

00:13:16.000 Yeah, that's what's really fucked up is the clinical aspect of the dissection of the bodies on display was a little disturbing because it was almost like butcher-esque. 0.90

00:13:26.000 It's like if this was a guy's basement, you would want him locked up forever. 0.95

00:13:31.000 Okay? 1.00

00:13:31.000 This guy would be one of the most horrific serial killers and twisted fucks ever. 1.00

00:13:36.000 Ever. 1.00

00:13:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:39.000 You would want this motherfucker locked up forever. 1.00

00:13:41.000 But you can do it, and somehow because you've involved plastic, which means that it's been, like, government-sanctioned or something, now you can just display these dead bodies, and people can come and pay. 0.99

00:13:54.000 Like, where did you get these bodies exactly?

00:13:56.000 I mean, it's not even under heavy scrutiny.

00:13:59.000 Yeah, some of them had bullet wounds or something in them.

00:14:01.000 Some with bullet holes.

00:14:02.000 Is that exhibit even still around?

00:14:03.000 It's got a smell by now.

00:14:04.000 The one that I saw, I saw it in Vegas.

00:14:07.000 It was at, I think it was at the Luxor.

00:14:09.000 Yeah.

00:14:10.000 Wow, you saw it in Vegas?

00:14:11.000 Yeah, and at the end...

00:14:12.000 That would be too much sadness for one day.

00:14:14.000 Right?

00:14:14.000 That's depressing.

00:14:15.000 At the end, they said that all the bodies in that exhibit were from China.

00:14:20.000 Yeah.

00:14:20.000 Wow.

00:14:21.000 They were all Chinese.

00:14:22.000 Yeah.

00:14:22.000 Oh my god.

00:14:23.000 Yeah.

00:14:24.000 That's scary. 0.98

00:14:25.000 Because when you're from a country that has been known to do some really horrific things to like prisoners and shit and pretty questionable track record when it comes to human rights. 0.98

00:14:36.000 Well, it doesn't seem to be that there's that many of them in China. 0.98

00:14:39.000 Or rather, that there's too many of them in China. 0.64

00:14:43.000 Yeah.

00:14:43.000 That there's so many people that in some areas the overpopulation has gotten to a point where they've sort of devalued life in a lot of ways.

00:14:51.000 Yeah.

00:14:51.000 I mean, when you start hearing the stories about them, you know, forcing them to only have one child, and so there's terrible stories of families drowning Chinese girls.

00:15:03.000 I mean, it's really horrific because they want a boy. 0.99

00:15:07.000 I mean, it's just fucking crazy. 0.91

00:15:09.000 I don't know if that's propaganda, though, so I really honestly shouldn't be... 0.85

00:15:13.000 I know outside of the major cities, out in the countryside, which is hundreds of millions of people, there's extreme poverty, there's extreme literacy, there's not any healthcare or anything.

00:15:28.000 It's just hundreds of millions of people outside of the major cities.

00:15:32.000 I mean, that kind of poor, I mean, we just haven't figured that out yet.

00:15:38.000 I don't think most Americans have really put that into their head, like that level, the level of poverty that exists in other countries.

00:15:46.000 We have extreme poverty, but it's not really what you see.

00:15:51.000 We have horrific poverty, but even just existing in a welfare state is way better than a giant chunk of the world has access to. 0.96

00:16:00.000 If you think about what it would be like if you just had a shit roll of the dice and you wound up in Nigeria. 1.00

00:16:06.000 You're a baby in Nigeria. 1.00

00:16:08.000 And it's just flies and mosquitoes and malaria.

00:16:12.000 And a dude's got a hyena on a chain. 1.00

00:16:14.000 And you're like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:16:16.000 Most of Africa is... 1.00

00:16:19.000 Crazy! 1.00

00:16:20.000 It's a wild, crazy place, man.

00:16:22.000 I just got back from there.

00:16:23.000 Did you really?

00:16:24.000 I was just in South Africa.

00:16:25.000 Oh, that's right.

00:16:25.000 You were doing gigs out there.

00:16:27.000 Yeah, it was awesome.

00:16:28.000 It was so cool.

00:16:29.000 People were so nice. 0.91

00:16:30.000 Crowds were fucking awesome. 0.93

00:16:32.000 And then I met other Africans that were in South Africa, and I learned that's the destination. 0.98

00:16:39.000 If you live in Botswana, Mozambique, Namibia, you go like, I want to go to South Africa.

00:16:46.000 That is the...

00:16:47.000 The crown, jewel, because that's the most developed by far.

00:16:51.000 By far.

00:16:52.000 And when I was in a casino walking through it with this comic who was from, I think he was from former, what is he from?

00:17:02.000 Nigeria or somewhere.

00:17:03.000 I don't know.

00:17:04.000 Mozambique, I think.

00:17:05.000 And I was like, so what's your country like?

00:17:08.000 He was like, man.

00:17:10.000 He's like, you know how you picture Africa?

00:17:11.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:17:12.000 He's like, that's what it's like. 1.00

00:17:14.000 Like it's fucking open terrain and animals and tribal shit. 1.00

00:17:18.000 And he goes, this shit right here, the casino, the only thing like this in my country is like where the king lives. 1.00

00:17:24.000 Like that's it. 1.00

00:17:25.000 There's no shit like this at all. 0.98

00:17:28.000 That's gotta be so weird to have one city that's like on top of the ball and everything else is just barely keeping it together. 0.99

00:17:36.000 Barely keeping it together.

00:17:38.000 Yeah.

00:17:39.000 But it was an awesome experience.

00:17:42.000 People were so fun to go.

00:17:42.000 What was the crowd like?

00:17:44.000 So good.

00:17:45.000 Very, like, mixed crowds and just juiced for the shows.

00:17:48.000 I mean, I would say out of 15, 16...

00:17:51.000 How'd your black jokes go? 1.00

00:17:53.000 Fucking killed. 1.00

00:17:54.000 LAUGHTER They understand American black humor? 1.00

00:17:57.000 Totally.

00:17:58.000 Really?

00:17:58.000 They got it.

00:17:58.000 They totally get it.

00:17:59.000 They got everything.

00:18:00.000 They got everything, man.

00:18:01.000 Wow.

00:18:03.000 Did you find them to be into harsh material?

00:18:08.000 It was interesting.

00:18:09.000 All the local guys, we saw some South African comics, and a lot of them have very political material.

00:18:17.000 And because it's a very politically charged atmosphere.

00:18:20.000 You know, you think about that, like, they got democracy in 94. So it's kind of like us, you know, you just fast forward, like, you know, like the 60s and 70s were really politically charged in America, right?

00:18:33.000 And then, you know, theirs is like, it's fresh.

00:18:36.000 So that's what everybody talks about.

00:18:38.000 They talk about politics and things going on, but it's like South African politics. 0.99

00:18:42.000 And then we go in and we'll talk about the mundane, just silly, observational shit. 0.99

00:18:49.000 And some of the local guys were saying that's so unusual for them. 0.99

00:18:53.000 That somebody would just talk about some small observation they made.

00:18:58.000 Because it's all about making an impact with your observation about what's really going on in the world or in the country right now.

00:19:06.000 So everybody's a preacher?

00:19:07.000 I mean, there's a lot. 0.99

00:19:08.000 He said that you can go to a stand-up show in South Africa that's all locals, and they'll all hit on political shit. 0.98

00:19:15.000 He said that's not uncommon at all. 0.99

00:19:17.000 That's interesting.

00:19:18.000 Is it funny? 0.97

00:19:20.000 There's this guy, David Kao, is a South African comic, and he was fucking tremendous. 0.94

00:19:26.000 Yeah?

00:19:26.000 I didn't even know what, like, he was like, you know when somebody's really good, and you don't necessarily get the reference, but you laugh anyways?

00:19:34.000 Like, you don't even, you're like, you don't know, like, I don't even know what that was.

00:19:37.000 Right, right, right.

00:19:38.000 But you still laugh?

00:19:39.000 Just because it's just timing, it's just funny. 0.99

00:19:41.000 Yeah, it was like that, and he fucking did it. 0.99

00:19:44.000 Devastated the place. 1.00

00:19:45.000 It was all about current shit in South Africa. 0.99

00:19:53.000 I wonder if that would translate if he did the US. I don't think it would. 0.99

00:19:59.000 I don't think the act would.

00:20:00.000 But I think he's good enough where he would just...

00:20:05.000 Well, that was something that never happened with the Boston guys.

00:20:08.000 There was a bunch of guys from Boston.

00:20:11.000 Boston, like no other place, does local material.

00:20:14.000 My first 20 minutes was all local material, because you knew it would work. 0.77

00:20:20.000 First of all, there was a lot of really funny shit about Boston, and people from Boston love laughing about Boston. 0.95

00:20:27.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:20:28.000 So that everybody that was really strong had such a Boston-centric act.

00:20:33.000 Like Steve Sweeney in Boston, I'll put him up there with the greatest stand-up performances of all time.

00:20:39.000 I'm telling you, Steve Sweeney in Boston in the 80s used to lay them down, dude.

00:20:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:47.000 Like he was bowling strikes, crushing with this Boston material.

00:20:47.000 Boom!

00:20:52.000 And he's just such a funny guy.

00:20:54.000 He's just such a funny guy.

00:20:55.000 And he had been through the hard Boston club scene for over a decade before I ever saw him. 1.00

00:21:02.000 I mean, he was just a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:21:05.000 And that guy, when he would go to California, he would lose a big chunk of his act because he couldn't talk about that shit anymore. 1.00

00:21:15.000 It was so frustrating to me. 0.99

00:21:16.000 It was like, man, you could do that about anything.

00:21:19.000 If you could hit that level of comedy, he could do that with anything.

00:21:23.000 Yeah, that's the thing about that.

00:21:25.000 Everybody thought this, by the way.

00:21:26.000 I was there.

00:21:27.000 Christina was on the show, too.

00:21:30.000 Finesse Mitchell, Ian Bagg, Mitch Fatale, Brian Hainer.

00:21:34.000 And we all watched David and we're like, he just goes to the States.

00:21:37.000 Wow. 0.99

00:21:38.000 And fucking, like, you know, he'd need to work. 1.00

00:21:41.000 Like kind of week after week. 1.00

00:21:42.000 Right. 0.99

00:21:42.000 And if he did that for just a few months, he would put together a stellar fucking act, I'm sure. 0.99

00:21:48.000 Well, I think now, especially because of the internet, the guys that are coming up over the next ten years, there's a lot of good guys. 0.95

00:21:54.000 Yeah.

00:21:54.000 And I think that...

00:21:56.000 A lot of these good, young, up-and-coming stand-ups have had a chance to see so many good acts online, so that even if they're in their area, and their area's not so good... 0.98

00:22:06.000 I'm not mentioning names, but there's some places you'll go and like, oh, he's the funniest local guy, you should have him open for you, and you have the guy open for you, and he's fucking deaf. 1.00

00:22:16.000 Just nonsense, and just bad, hacky tricks, and you're like, oh... 0.98

00:22:22.000 Christ!

00:22:23.000 But if you're in that community, all you really need is stage time.

00:22:27.000 If you've got, like, access to, you know, you can watch the Kinison archives, you can see Bill Hicks stuff, you can see Stan Hope, you can see David Tell, you can see Norton, you can see all these different comics online, you can sort of get into, what do you enjoy?

00:22:40.000 What do you enjoy?

00:22:41.000 I know you don't enjoy what that guy's doing.

00:22:43.000 So instead of thinking about, like, the hacky stuff that's in your neighborhood, you have access to all this stuff.

00:22:49.000 Whereas in the 80s when I started out, there was no access to that other than CDs and cassettes.

00:22:55.000 It wasn't as immediate.

00:22:56.000 It was way more difficult to create a scene or to get good without a good scene around you.

00:23:05.000 I think because I always feel like I'm only as good as...

00:23:10.000 The guys that I see around me on a regular basis and the guys that I perform with on a regular basis. 0.96

00:23:16.000 Yeah, so if you're stuck somewhere where you don't see a lot of good shit, it definitely would affect your game. 0.92

00:23:20.000 Yeah, because when I see someone really good, like when someone's staying up in town or when I see Diaz go up and kill or Atal or someone I really respect when I see their act, I get so charged up. 0.94

00:23:33.000 It gives me energy to make things.

00:23:35.000 It definitely is.

00:23:36.000 Yeah, that little juice, that little squirt of just some push to get you forward.

00:23:44.000 That's so important for us.

00:23:46.000 There's nothing like seeing great stand-up. 1.00

00:23:48.000 When you're a stand-up, you see somebody great at the show you're at, and you're like, fuck, man. 0.99

00:23:52.000 I'm not a fan of watching stand-up. 0.99

00:23:54.000 Really?

00:23:55.000 When I'm at the comedy clubs, I try not to watch anybody.

00:23:58.000 I don't watch a lot of stand-up, but if I know there's somebody either I want to see or somebody I know, And I'm like, oh, like a friend of mine or somebody who's like, you know, this person's really good. 0.87

00:24:10.000 I don't sit through whole shows, but I'll watch that person, and sometimes it is like, man, that's fucking so exciting.

00:24:16.000 You get pumped up about it.

00:24:17.000 You're like, that's awesome.

00:24:18.000 You get like, it makes you want to work.

00:24:21.000 I could watch Joey Diaz do a thousand sets in a row.

00:24:24.000 Probably.

00:24:25.000 Well, yeah, there's definitely certain people, but if I'm at the improv or whatever, the Ice House, and there's all these comics going up, I don't like sitting there watching them, because it seems like, to me, I'm too scared of going there and then having something in the back of my head from somebody else.

00:24:40.000 It seems like that's really easy to do.

00:24:43.000 I get bored and I get anxiety when I sit around and I'm just watching a Just comic after comic who I'm not.

00:24:50.000 You get anxiety?

00:24:51.000 I get like, man, I can't sit here right now.

00:24:53.000 What?

00:24:54.000 I just get like, I'm like, I gotta get up.

00:24:56.000 I gotta, I can't sit through this.

00:24:58.000 If I think it's like, if I sit and it's like, I'm a minute in and I'm like, oh, this is not gonna be, this is not good.

00:25:04.000 I have to get up and leave.

00:25:06.000 You can't watch bad stand-up, is what you're saying.

00:25:09.000 So you can watch, like, Louis C.K. For fucking hours. 0.99

00:25:09.000 I can't do it, man. 0.99

00:25:11.000 But you can't watch a bunch of, like, I want to say any names, but there's a certain group of people that, you know, you've seen them do stand-up and you're never going to understand it, but yet they're still bumping around, and you might, like, be in the back of the room one day, and they're on stage, and you almost have a heart attack. 0.98

00:25:28.000 Fucking up and out. 0.96

00:25:29.000 You've got to get out of the room. 1.00

00:25:30.000 They'll infect you. 0.68

00:25:32.000 They'll infect you. 0.68

00:25:32.000 I think, yeah, they will. 0.68

00:25:33.000 Well, do you know, there's a real thought behind that.

00:25:35.000 It sounds crazy, but it's, there's a, in schizophrenics, something happens to schizophrenics, and I believe it's called allophrenia, and it's a very rare situation where people will go to visit crazy people and become crazy while they visited them.

00:25:55.000 Really?

00:25:55.000 Yeah.

00:25:57.000 And they don't know exactly what it is.

00:26:00.000 And they think it might be hormonal.

00:26:02.000 It might be something in the way you interact with this person. 1.00

00:26:08.000 But it has happened before where people have gone in to visit people who are fucking crazy. 0.99

00:26:14.000 And all of a sudden people are like, we're going to have to keep an eye on you. 0.99

00:26:17.000 And then boom.

00:26:19.000 So it's just like, almost like the association with that person. 1.00

00:26:22.000 It could be that they were just always crazy as fuck. 0.99

00:26:25.000 Nobody just pulled it out of there. 1.00

00:26:26.000 But it could be like, you're with them.

00:26:27.000 It's almost like when you, what's it called?

00:26:28.000 When you, like, Stockholm Syndrome?

00:26:30.000 Where you start to, like, sympathize with your kidnapper?

00:26:34.000 Yeah.

00:26:34.000 But I mean, like, it's like you, there's a certain exposure to that person that starts to affect you, like, on a deeper level.

00:26:40.000 I don't know enough about how humans affect each other to really.

00:26:41.000 Yeah.

00:26:44.000 When I was in college, I was in psych 101.

00:26:47.000 Our teacher one day, we were talking about, you know, you're going through all the basics and then he gets to schizophrenia.

00:26:52.000 And he's like, okay, he writes it on the board.

00:26:55.000 He's like, schizophrenia is the worst thing that could ever happen to you.

00:26:59.000 And then this kid in our class raised his hand and he's like, yep.

00:27:03.000 And he's like, I have schizophrenia.

00:27:05.000 I don't think it's the worst thing that could ever happen.

00:27:07.000 And we were all like, oh, you just pissed off the schizophrenic guy. 0.51

00:27:10.000 And then he's like, well, what I meant was there are different stages of schizophrenia and that the worst one Is the worst thing that could happen to you?

00:27:21.000 Which one do you have?

00:27:22.000 And he's like, I have a less severe...

00:27:26.000 He's like, oh yeah, that's not what I meant.

00:27:30.000 Nice.

00:27:30.000 It'd be really bad.

00:27:31.000 Nice backpedal.

00:27:32.000 I'm trying to find the name of this thing where it's happened before.

00:27:38.000 It's the rare case of people who've visited schizophrenics, but I can't seem to find it. 0.96

00:27:44.000 So I might be talking a little bit of shit because I'm just repeating some things that I think... 0.97

00:27:49.000 It was, I think it was Terence McKenna, a Terence McKenna lecture. 0.98

00:27:53.000 But the idea was that one of the things that they think about some people when they start to lose their mind is that it becomes a pheromonal problem when they're giving off this weird smell to people, like this, you know, this, what is a, how would you describe a pheromonal, a hormonal smell, I guess?

00:28:15.000 Uh-huh.

00:28:15.000 and people treat them weird.

00:28:17.000 It's offensive.

00:28:18.000 People treat them odd, and they start thinking, like, am I odd?

00:28:21.000 Am I crazy?

00:28:22.000 And that tipping point is really not that hard to do on some people.

00:28:27.000 Really?

00:28:27.000 Yeah, because if you think about how you interact with people, I'm sure you've had times in your life where you've been socially awkward or you felt real weird or felt real vulnerable, especially when you were young.

00:28:38.000 Brian, you barely got one correct sentence yesterday with Kat Von D.

00:28:45.000 I looked over, he came in his pants three times.

00:28:47.000 He's like sitting there.

00:28:48.000 How are you doing today so far?

00:28:49.000 I keep on thinking about it.

00:28:51.000 She's beautiful.

00:28:52.000 I met with Mia.

00:28:53.000 The picture of you hugging her was just like, you're just in bliss.

00:28:57.000 You're like...

00:28:59.000 He was like, I'm actually touching her.

00:29:01.000 I like girls that think like that.

00:29:03.000 Like the energy thing she said about, you know.

00:29:05.000 I love girls that think like that. 1.00

00:29:08.000 She's a very nice person.

00:29:09.000 And she's incredibly artistic. 1.00

00:29:11.000 She's a badass bitch. 1.00

00:29:13.000 She's really nice too, man. 1.00

00:29:15.000 She's really nice.

00:29:15.000 Like legit nice.

00:29:16.000 Like not a bullshit nice. 0.61

00:29:18.000 Just a nice person. 0.91

00:29:19.000 Yeah, it's nice when you see someone that's trying to do that, that's trying to do the right thing.

00:29:24.000 Yeah, it's rad, bro.

00:29:25.000 Where'd you get that from?

00:29:26.000 From Kat Von D. Is that how she talks?

00:29:28.000 I think so.

00:29:29.000 Do it again.

00:29:31.000 You don't think Kat Von D is hot? 1.00

00:29:33.000 Are you saying something?

00:29:33.000 I think she's hot.

00:29:34.000 I watched her show.

00:29:35.000 I watched every episode of her show.

00:29:37.000 Look me in the eyes.

00:29:39.000 That's not what she sounds like.

00:29:40.000 That's totally what she sounds like to me. 1.00

00:29:41.000 Do it again, but look me in the eyes. 1.00

00:29:43.000 I want to play with your dick, Redman. 1.00

00:29:45.000 Is that your impression for everybody? 1.00

00:29:48.000 What's Spider-Man sound like?

00:29:51.000 It's sticky in my hand.

00:29:53.000 That's a sucky impression, dude.

00:29:55.000 That's terrible. 0.99

00:29:55.000 I thought that was fucking spot on. 0.99

00:29:57.000 Really? 0.98

00:29:57.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:29:58.000 Do Burt Kreischer. 0.99

00:29:59.000 He's so silly. 1.00

00:30:07.000 Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. 1.00

00:30:08.000 That's how you guys are about to die.

00:30:11.000 No, I'm a big fan of Cat Bundy.

00:30:13.000 I watched every episode of that show.

00:30:14.000 Really?

00:30:15.000 Absolutely.

00:30:16.000 Did you see Eddie Bravo episode?

00:30:18.000 Probably missed that one, but the other ones I caught.

00:30:20.000 Why?

00:30:20.000 It's me, man.

00:30:22.000 What's with me, the ringtone fucking AT&T commercial? 0.99

00:30:26.000 You gave me shit about mine, too, because I have it on that. 0.99

00:30:28.000 I have the same thing. 0.99

00:30:29.000 Why?

00:30:30.000 I don't change my ringtone.

00:30:31.000 I just want to know if someone's calling.

00:30:33.000 Okay, that's all I want to know, Brian. 0.99

00:30:35.000 I don't really give a fuck what it sounds like. 0.99

00:30:37.000 Kat Von D, I love you. 0.99

00:30:38.000 Whoa, Brian.

00:30:39.000 Hey.

00:30:40.000 Stop him.

00:30:40.000 He's taking your girl.

00:30:42.000 That's not cool.

00:30:43.000 He just said, Kat Von D, I love you.

00:30:44.000 That's not bad.

00:30:45.000 That is so not cool.

00:30:46.000 Listen, you don't understand what it was like for Lil Bri yesterday.

00:30:52.000 Really?

00:30:52.000 You don't understand?

00:30:53.000 It's adorable.

00:30:53.000 You want to hear my new ringtone?

00:30:55.000 Is it Kat?

00:30:55.000 Yes.

00:30:56.000 Hey, unicorn! 1.00

00:30:59.000 Okay, stop that.

00:31:01.000 It's terrible, man.

00:31:02.000 You really...

00:31:03.000 I need to find out what happened to you that froze you in 12. Did you spend some time with the schizophrenic person yesterday? 0.51

00:31:10.000 There was some strange moment when you were 12 and you just stuck there emotionally.

00:31:15.000 It's better than that ringtone.

00:31:16.000 How do you even know if it's your phone if it's ringing? 0.99

00:31:18.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:31:20.000 How about that? 1.00

00:31:21.000 How about I don't give a fuck? 1.00

00:31:22.000 You should sell ringtones, man. 1.00

00:31:24.000 Because I was going through the ringtone store, and the top ten ones are so dumb. 0.98

00:31:29.000 Like, Space Unicorn was the best one, and I was just really stoned. 0.99

00:31:32.000 But there's, like, one that's just, like, a black guy going, Yo, man, answer your phone! 1.00

00:31:35.000 Answer your motherfucking phone, motherfucker! 1.00

00:31:38.000 That's what I want. 1.00

00:31:38.000 I want a white guy doing a bad black acting. 1.00

00:31:40.000 How is that bad, too? 1.00

00:31:41.000 Just if you're in, like, a really black area and you hear the phone going, Answer your phone, motherfucker! 1.00

00:31:47.000 Answer your phone! 1.00

00:31:48.000 Pick up your phone, bitch! 1.00

00:31:50.000 You don't think my impression of a black woman is good? 1.00

00:31:53.000 That's a good ring turner.

00:31:54.000 I think it was okay.

00:31:56.000 It was okay.

00:31:56.000 It was a little racist.

00:31:58.000 What?

00:32:01.000 Jesus Christ!

00:32:02.000 I'm just kidding.

00:32:03.000 Kidding completely.

00:32:04.000 I only said that because it was the funniest thing to say.

00:32:08.000 I don't think you're racist by any stretch of the imagination.

00:32:10.000 But myself, I put what some people thought was a racist tweet the other day.

00:32:16.000 I saw a black guy with a Mitt Romney bumper sticker on his car.

00:32:20.000 I go, the minds were right. 1.00

00:32:22.000 This fucking thing is over. 1.00

00:32:23.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:32:25.000 You're a racist piece of shit. 1.00

00:32:26.000 And all of a sudden people were saying, I want a racist piece of shit. 1.00

00:32:28.000 How is that racist? 1.00

00:32:30.000 I don't know.

00:32:31.000 I don't know enough about Mitt Romney to know if there was a joke in there about him and black people.

00:32:36.000 My question is, what black guys are relating to Mitt Romney?

00:32:42.000 That's going to get you some more tweets. 0.68

00:32:43.000 I need to look.

00:32:44.000 I wish there was another alternative.

00:32:47.000 Because I'm not really happy with either one of these guys.

00:32:50.000 It seems silly to me.

00:32:52.000 I mean...

00:32:53.000 I feel like, socially, Obama's way better.

00:32:56.000 The way he communicates is better.

00:32:58.000 He's way smarter.

00:32:59.000 He's way more moderate.

00:33:01.000 Way more reasonable.

00:33:02.000 I'd rather hang out with him than me.

00:33:03.000 Way more impressive. 1.00

00:33:04.000 Fuck yeah, I'd rather hang out with Obama. 0.99

00:33:06.000 But what bums me out is that it seems like... 1.00

00:33:10.000 Fuck, look at all the shit that got passed while Obama was in office. 1.00

00:33:13.000 I don't know how much of that had to do with him. 1.00

00:33:15.000 It's so hard to believe that a young guy, just a few years older than me, would be so willing to give in to this ridiculous idea that giving the government more power over the people is necessary to keep us safe. 0.99

00:33:29.000 Because I think that's just total horseshit. 0.97

00:33:31.000 I just think they want to lock it down. 0.94

00:33:33.000 And they're slowly eroding our rights.

00:33:36.000 And they're doing it in a very unconstitutional way.

00:33:39.000 And that's not the way to do your job.

00:33:41.000 Your job is to do it in a constitutional way. 1.00

00:33:43.000 And if you can't keep us safe in a constitutional way, it means you suck at your fucking job. 1.00

00:33:49.000 You need to get better at that. 1.00

00:33:50.000 What you don't need to do is look at everybody's fucking email and listen to everybody's voicemail messages and track everybody's movement through GPS. You don't need to do all that. 0.98

00:34:01.000 This is crazy.

00:34:02.000 Because who decides who has access to that information?

00:34:05.000 Who decides?

00:34:07.000 People could harass you because you have different political beliefs than them, where you're interrupting their campaign.

00:34:14.000 There's a lot of different things that someone could do if they have influence, if they have enough power over you, by being able to track your whereabouts and listening to all your phone calls. 1.00

00:34:24.000 That shit is ridiculous. 0.99

00:34:26.000 And the fact that that's happening in America, man, that's what we always used to make fun of the Soviet Union about. 1.00

00:34:31.000 That everybody was being a spy and spied on and But we never thought that shit was going on over here. 0.98

00:34:37.000 But meanwhile, the government just opens up the floodgates and it's all of us. 0.99

00:34:42.000 I know. 0.80

00:34:43.000 It's so gross.

00:34:44.000 And didn't you retweet that somebody... 0.56

00:34:46.000 I didn't even know about this.

00:34:47.000 And it amazes me that this happens and nobody knows.

00:34:51.000 That they audited the Fed and that they found out that the bailout amounts were not even close enough.

00:35:01.000 it was trillions of dollars in secret bailouts and that certain companies were getting trillions not even like what we were told they were getting like let's say 50 billion you're like jesus you got 50 billion no they got like 1.3 trillion dollars yeah it's insane and that was like uh the like it was in the news but like i feel like nobody really they were like oh yeah so what happened i - I don't get it, man.

00:35:24.000 I don't understand how any of it flies. 0.99

00:35:29.000 First of all, the whole idea that the only way to fix all this shit is to take more money from us is fucking berserk. 1.00

00:35:35.000 That is so bonkers. 1.00

00:35:37.000 That's the stupidest idea ever. 1.00

00:35:39.000 It's like you're telling me that you just have to, no matter what, keep these defense budgets the way they are now. 1.00

00:35:44.000 That's what they're saying, essentially.

00:35:45.000 They're saying, look, we're not going to shrink that.

00:35:48.000 So let's just concentrate on whacking some things off and some other.

00:35:51.000 It's this giant chunk of money that's being thrown at this ridiculous situation.

00:35:57.000 This horrific situation, rather.

00:35:59.000 And no, I can't fix that.

00:36:00.000 That is just what it is.

00:36:01.000 We'll cut that a little bit.

00:36:03.000 We're going to cut that a little bit.

00:36:04.000 We've got no money for pizza in school, though.

00:36:06.000 Yeah.

00:36:07.000 It's the idea that you're going to need a little bit more from everybody.

00:36:11.000 No, you don't. 0.99

00:36:12.000 You need to stop spending money on shit that we don't want you to spend money on. 1.00

00:36:16.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:36:16.000 Where's the money going? 1.00

00:36:17.000 And nobody, the thing is, not only defense, but nobody is ever really willing to make concessions.

00:36:24.000 Nobody wants to give up whatever their cause is, whatever committee they sit on.

00:36:29.000 Just go somewhere else.

00:36:30.000 So you end up finding a group of people that are all agreeing to not make any deals.

00:36:37.000 Like, no.

00:36:37.000 Just take from somebody else, just not us.

00:36:39.000 And it goes around the circle and then you're like, alright, that was fun. 0.98

00:36:42.000 Fucking nobody made any concessions at all. 0.92

00:36:46.000 First of all, the only way we're going to fix this whole world problem is we're going to have to be able to read each other's minds. 1.00

00:36:51.000 People are just too full of shit. 0.99

00:36:53.000 Language is just one step on an ever-ending, or never-ending rather, process of getting closer and closer to each other. 1.00

00:37:02.000 Language is the ability to do it in expression.

00:37:05.000 And you say what comes out of your mouth.

00:37:07.000 I know what you're saying.

00:37:08.000 I know who you are.

00:37:08.000 You talk.

00:37:09.000 I know who you are.

00:37:10.000 We're going to be able to get past that.

00:37:11.000 That's what the next step is.

00:37:13.000 The next step is we're going to be able to read each other's minds. 0.99

00:37:15.000 And until then, we're going to have a really hard time with this fucking thing. 1.00

00:37:19.000 Because people are full of shit, and people misinterpret people's words, and people are touchy, and people don't know why they're really mad. 0.99

00:37:27.000 And there's a lot of the problems with normal human communication. 1.00

00:37:31.000 And part of it is, I can only gauge your intent by guesswork.

00:37:35.000 I can only gauge your intent by how you respond, guesswork, and...

00:37:39.000 and then you put it into the computer that is your brain and try to figure out if this person is good for my life, is this person bad for my life, is this person my friend, are they looking out for me?

00:37:49.000 Eventually, we're going to just read each other's minds. 1.00

00:37:53.000 That's all going to be bullshit. 1.00

00:37:54.000 You're going to know who's a cunt. 1.00

00:37:55.000 Cunts are going to know they're cunts. 1.00

00:37:57.000 They're going to have to straighten up. 0.99

00:37:58.000 It's going to be like a beautiful moment. 0.98

00:38:00.000 But you're also going to know all the creepy shit about people. 0.94

00:38:04.000 We're going to definitely get past the idea that the only way I can communicate is through some noise, some mouth noise and some text messages. 0.98

00:38:13.000 Just looking at somebody, you think?

00:38:15.000 Well, look at the interface of text messaging.

00:38:19.000 You've already got this new way to communicate with people that are nowhere near you.

00:38:24.000 So you're getting a little bit of their information, a little bit of their personality, a little bit of their mind, this little text that's coming in on your phone. 0.99

00:38:32.000 Well, eventually that's going to morph into the next thing, whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

00:38:37.000 It's going to be people that let you ride along, where you can tap into their consciousness and you can walk around with them and shit. 0.99

00:38:43.000 Yeah. 0.93

00:38:44.000 I don't see that being outside the realm of possibility. 0.91

00:38:46.000 I think that's totally possible, that you could eventually get to a point where a person interfaces with some sort of an internet connection in maybe something that you would wear in your head that stimulates various parts of the brain with electrical impulses or something that that you could eventually get to a point where a person interfaces with some If they figure out how to really wire that, maybe they'll actually have to fucking drill some holes in your head and shit and put little conductors that you have to screw shit into. 0.99

00:39:15.000 But people would totally do it if you could actually work that out. 0.99

00:39:18.000 Probably.

00:39:18.000 And ride along with each other.

00:39:20.000 Look, you could go... 1.00

00:39:22.000 If you were a real freak, you know, like those dudes who like watching their wives fuck other guys, they could like be their wife while she gets fucked by this giant black guy. 1.00

00:39:32.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:39:33.000 Why does he gotta be black? 1.00

00:39:34.000 Because that's the scariest. 1.00

00:39:36.000 The big guy's one, but the big black guy's the scariest. 1.00

00:39:40.000 Or that's maybe like, what is the thing? 0.99

00:39:42.000 Isn't that like cuckolds?

00:39:43.000 Is that what they call them? 1.00

00:39:45.000 Guys who like watching other guys fuck their wives in front of them. 1.00

00:39:48.000 That's... 1.00

00:39:49.000 That's interesting.

00:39:49.000 That sure is.

00:39:51.000 And that's the real fucking, that's the exciting point for them. 0.99

00:39:54.000 Like, this guy's about to drill my wife. 1.00

00:39:57.000 This is fucking awesome. 1.00

00:39:58.000 Oh, that's so crazy. 0.99

00:39:59.000 Yep, yep.

00:40:00.000 Wow. 1.00

00:40:00.000 And they want her to get fucking hammered. 1.00

00:40:03.000 But how can that end in anything other than murder-suicide? 1.00

00:40:06.000 Can it?

00:40:07.000 I don't know, but I was just thinking you could never switch it. 1.00

00:40:09.000 You could never fuck a girl in front of your wife and she's just sitting there brushing her hair really slow. 1.00

00:40:15.000 I don't think so, unless she was crazy. 1.00

00:40:17.000 But it's not normal that a guy would sit there and get off on that either.

00:40:21.000 Hell no, that's not normal at all.

00:40:22.000 Yeah, some guys are just...

00:40:24.000 Real freaks.

00:40:26.000 But there's everything.

00:40:29.000 That's well put.

00:40:30.000 There's everything.

00:40:31.000 That really is what the answer is.

00:40:32.000 And we didn't really know that as much when we were kids.

00:40:36.000 That's why you were subject to get accosted by some predator.

00:40:41.000 Because you never knew any predators.

00:40:43.000 So we didn't have access to nearly as much information.

00:40:47.000 Yeah.

00:40:47.000 I know.

00:40:48.000 The internet really exposes you. 1.00

00:40:50.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:40:50.000 Every kid knows about pedos now. 1.00

00:40:53.000 Yeah.

00:40:53.000 They got a pedo bear.

00:40:55.000 You know?

00:40:55.000 I mean, pedos weren't something that everybody talked about when I was a kid.

00:40:58.000 It was like, you keep away from that man.

00:41:00.000 He's a bad man.

00:41:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:01.000 And you'd be like, who's the bad guy?

00:41:03.000 That bad guy over there?

00:41:03.000 Why is he bad?

00:41:04.000 The guy by the park.

00:41:05.000 I don't understand why he's bad.

00:41:05.000 Yeah.

00:41:06.000 Nobody understood why.

00:41:07.000 Now kids know about pedophiles.

00:41:08.000 Now you understand how many kinks there are. 1.00

00:41:10.000 When you go online, there's these subcategories of shit, and you're like, that's a thing? 0.99

00:41:14.000 Really? 0.99

00:41:15.000 Yeah, oh my gosh.

00:41:16.000 You're exposed to it all.

00:41:17.000 We're like adults now, but you realize that if you look back on fifth grade you, he's aware of that.

00:41:24.000 Ten-year-olds.

00:41:25.000 Or online.

00:41:25.000 Well, there's all these...

00:41:26.000 Oh, there's this shit? 1.00

00:41:27.000 Okay. 1.00

00:41:27.000 There was always specialty things. 1.00

00:41:29.000 There was always, like...

00:41:31.000 But it was hard to find them. 0.99

00:41:33.000 Like, if you were going to be into weird freak shit... 0.99

00:41:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:41:36.000 Like, some dudes are into feet.

00:41:38.000 Yeah.

00:41:38.000 And there were actual feet magazines.

00:41:41.000 Yeah, nice.

00:41:41.000 I found a feet porno magazine with my friends.

00:41:45.000 Can I have it?

00:41:45.000 In the woods.

00:41:46.000 Oh, okay.

00:41:47.000 Yeah, can I have it?

00:41:49.000 We were wandering through the woods and we found a pile of magazines in a plastic bag.

00:41:53.000 If you found them in the woods, 60% of the time they were porn.

00:41:58.000 If you found a dude who went to read magazines in the woods, there was a lot of people that would go and they would just go beat off in the woods.

00:42:05.000 That's so great.

00:42:06.000 I love that.

00:42:06.000 Dudes that go to read magazines in the woods.

00:42:09.000 And they left their stash back there.

00:42:11.000 So we would go find their stash.

00:42:12.000 And so it was me and my two friends.

00:42:15.000 And as they were opening the pages, one dude was from Argentina and the other dude was from Cuba.

00:42:22.000 And we were in Florida.

00:42:24.000 And we're peeling back these pages. 1.00

00:42:25.000 and this kid stops and he goes, man, I think this shit is just dicks and feet. 0.99

00:42:31.000 That's the quote of the day, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00

00:42:42.000 And it was one of the first times I had ever saw anybody so clearly say... 0.99

00:42:49.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:42:50.000 When they don't really want an answer. 1.00

00:42:52.000 When you say, like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:42:55.000 It was just like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:42:59.000 He knew. 1.00

00:42:59.000 I didn't know. 1.00

00:43:00.000 I knew he didn't know.

00:43:02.000 We were 11. We were looking at, like, dudes jerking off on feet. 0.98

00:43:07.000 It's a whole thing? 0.89

00:43:08.000 I've been wanting that to be a thing.

00:43:09.000 I didn't know it was.

00:43:10.000 I found the creepiest new fetish out yesterday.

00:43:13.000 It's called belly punching. 0.98

00:43:15.000 It's just guys and girls punching other girls in the belly really hard.

00:43:20.000 Really?

00:43:20.000 And they get off on it.

00:43:21.000 I don't want to watch that.

00:43:23.000 Yeah, and the videos are just really disturbing.

00:43:26.000 It's from Brazil.

00:43:27.000 I don't get off on it.

00:43:28.000 Please shut that off.

00:43:30.000 That stuff bugs me.

00:43:31.000 I don't get off on it, but I've seen it, and it was so extreme that I was in tears laughing.

00:43:36.000 What was it?

00:43:37.000 Of the ball kicking.

00:43:38.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:43:39.000 So I saw one, and I was like, oh, that's clearly...

00:43:41.000 That guy has a cup on, you know?

00:43:43.000 You can tell.

00:43:44.000 But this one was genuine.

00:43:46.000 And she was kicking 50-yard field goals, lining up and teeing off.

00:43:52.000 And he was like...

00:43:54.000 His legs were shaking, and then she's like, yes, suffer, suffer. 0.99

00:43:58.000 What the fuck is that about? 0.99

00:43:59.000 I don't know, man, but somebody's not watching that to laugh. 0.99

00:44:03.000 They're watching that.

00:44:03.000 That is the most erotic, arousing thing.

00:44:06.000 I got kicked once so hard in a tournament. 0.99

00:44:09.000 I've been kicked many times, but I got kicked once in a tournament where my cup slammed into my balls. 1.00

00:44:16.000 I was fucked up. 1.00

00:44:18.000 My balls swole up. 1.00

00:44:20.000 They were purple and they swole up. 0.99

00:44:22.000 It swole up like twice the size of normal.

00:44:26.000 Do you have any photos?

00:44:27.000 I don't understand how the guy can physically take it.

00:44:30.000 Do I have what?

00:44:30.000 Do you have any photos?

00:44:31.000 I would have taken photos of that shit. 1.00

00:44:33.000 I was only like 16 or 17. How do they physically take it? 1.00

00:44:39.000 I've been kicking the balls. 0.98

00:44:42.000 If there was a second kick... 1.00

00:44:44.000 I just shit myself. 0.99

00:44:45.000 I got a boner on the way home, though, so I was happy. 0.99

00:44:48.000 I was happy that it still worked.

00:44:50.000 It was almost like my body was letting me know.

00:44:52.000 Because that was when I was like, when I was like 16 or 17, I would get those random boners.

00:44:56.000 I could be walking, and I would just get a complete heart on, like out of nowhere. 0.98

00:44:59.000 It's like, what the fuck is this doing here? 0.99

00:45:01.000 School, too. 1.00

00:45:03.000 It's like giving a blind person a gun. 0.99

00:45:06.000 You're like, what is this, a trigger? 0.56

00:45:10.000 You don't know what you're doing when you're a 17-year-old kid just walking around with a boner. 0.88

00:45:15.000 I would crank out so many at 17. It's so ridiculous. 1.00

00:45:20.000 You're always horny. 1.00

00:45:21.000 Yeah, and that chamber is fucking reloaded immediately. 0.99

00:45:25.000 Yeah, immediately. 0.99

00:45:26.000 And what's really fucked up is that that is probably one of the biggest shifts as a human being that your life makes. 0.95

00:45:34.000 From no sex at all to, boom, having a girlfriend when you're in your teenage years. 0.96

00:45:41.000 Which is confusing.

00:45:42.000 It's fascinating. 0.99

00:45:43.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:45:43.000 I mean, your teenage years are a mess. 1.00

00:45:46.000 And in that, you're having relationships, you're making out with people, and your penis is going into a girl's vagina. 1.00

00:45:51.000 It's the best you've ever felt in your life. 1.00

00:45:54.000 And she's on the pill so you can squirt it in her. 1.00

00:45:58.000 You get so confused.

00:45:59.000 You get so baffled. 1.00

00:46:00.000 You're so fucking twisted. 1.00

00:46:02.000 Just so absorbed in that person. 1.00

00:46:04.000 And that's why you see so many people that age throw everything else away for that relationship.

00:46:10.000 It's addict behavior.

00:46:12.000 We've all been guilty of it.

00:46:14.000 Addict behavior is not just physical addiction.

00:46:16.000 It's just squirrely thinking. 0.98

00:46:20.000 Attic behavior is like, there's a lot of different activities that shouldn't really exist for our shitty minds, but they do exist. 0.98

00:46:31.000 And people can't help, because of the fact that they have access to casinos, there's certain people that cannot fucking help it. 0.97

00:46:40.000 Yeah. 0.93

00:46:40.000 They're drawn in there and they want to gamble. 0.93

00:46:43.000 They want action.

00:46:44.000 That's what they live for.

00:46:46.000 I've seen it.

00:46:47.000 It's craziness.

00:46:49.000 And they'll go on these programs.

00:46:50.000 No, I'm not gambling anymore.

00:46:52.000 I'm not doing this anymore.

00:46:53.000 I'm done.

00:46:53.000 The next thing you know, I'm just going to try a little.

00:46:55.000 I can handle it now.

00:46:56.000 It's all about management.

00:46:58.000 Boom! 0.99

00:46:58.000 Back in the slide. 0.99

00:46:59.000 Crazy.

00:47:00.000 In debt.

00:47:02.000 Never again.

00:47:02.000 And there's no drugs.

00:47:04.000 There's no dealer.

00:47:06.000 There's no poisoning. 0.99

00:47:08.000 There's just fucking this weird idea that you need to fucking pull that lever and see those lemons. 0.99

00:47:14.000 Lemon, lemon, lemon! 0.98

00:47:15.000 I'm so glad I don't have that.

00:47:18.000 Oh, and then they take that money and go right back in. 0.99

00:47:20.000 It's fucking horrifying. 0.98

00:47:21.000 There was a guy named White Plains Charlie when I was a kid and I used to play pool at executive billiards. 0.99

00:47:27.000 He was the first guy that I ever met that was an absolute 100% gambling junkie. 0.98

00:47:32.000 This guy didn't do a goddamn thing for a living. 0.97

00:47:36.000 He lived off of handouts and games. 0.99

00:47:38.000 It was a hustle pool.

00:47:39.000 He slept in like Homeless shelters and different people's houses and had apartments in real squirrely situations and he would just come down the pool hall and go to the racetrack.

00:47:50.000 And that's all this guy did.

00:47:52.000 That's all this guy did.

00:47:53.000 He was always in action.

00:47:54.000 He was always in action. 1.00

00:47:55.000 Played the fucking ponies. 1.00

00:47:56.000 And it was so sad. 1.00

00:47:58.000 Because he was in his 70s.

00:48:01.000 And he was just a really tiny, tiny man. 0.99

00:48:05.000 And people would yell at him and they'd fucking treat him like shit because he was always broke and he would yell at them and he would always lose his money. 1.00

00:48:13.000 Shit. 1.00

00:48:14.000 I almost had those motherfuckers. 1.00

00:48:16.000 I'm supposed to have 775. You know, they have some number problem that went wrong on them. 0.99

00:48:22.000 Of course.

00:48:23.000 You know, that would have paid $2,000.

00:48:25.000 $2,000! 1.00

00:48:25.000 Can you believe that shit? 1.00

00:48:27.000 I can't tell you how many conversations I had with White Plains Charlie. 1.00

00:48:30.000 Well, he would come in there and go, Joe, you ain't gonna believe this.

00:48:33.000 They got me at the track again.

00:48:34.000 I'm down there, and I was like, at the time, maybe 22, 23. He's 23 years old.

00:48:39.000 So the whole thing to me was just completely baffling. 1.00

00:48:42.000 I was like, wow, this guy's out of his fucking head. 1.00

00:48:45.000 For sure. 1.00

00:48:46.000 This is crazy.

00:48:47.000 He just can't stop gambling.

00:48:48.000 I've never seen anything like it.

00:48:50.000 I know a poker guy like that just can't stop.

00:48:52.000 They can't stop!

00:48:54.000 They get sweaty hands.

00:48:56.000 I was completely addicted to playing that Quake game.

00:48:59.000 100%.

00:49:01.000 I loved it.

00:49:02.000 Loved it.

00:49:03.000 Hours and hours a day.

00:49:04.000 I didn't.

00:49:04.000 If you were talking and I was listening to you talk and you were boring the shit out of me and be like, why am I spending time doing this when I could be playing Quake and my time would be awesome as always?

00:49:13.000 Really?

00:49:14.000 Yeah.

00:49:14.000 I would not want to talk to people.

00:49:16.000 I would want to just sit in front of the computer with the headphones on because you can hear who's walking on the right-hand side.

00:49:22.000 You can hear footsteps on the right or footsteps on the left.

00:49:25.000 You have to creep because if you walk, you don't make any noise.

00:49:28.000 But if you want to jump, if you want to strafe jump, if you want to run, you make noise.

00:49:33.000 And I would get addicted, dude.

00:49:35.000 Wandering down hallways, rocket-launching people in the heads. 1.00

00:49:38.000 Fun as fuck. 0.99

00:49:39.000 I've been lost in video games before, too. 0.99

00:49:42.000 It's addict behavior.

00:49:43.000 Yeah, totally.

00:49:43.000 The real problem is it doesn't make you ultimately feel like you got anything done.

00:49:48.000 If I put the same amount of effort into making podcasts or the same amount of effort into doing stand-up, I feel like I got something done. 0.95

00:49:57.000 But if you're just out there fucking throwing squares with numbers around... 0.95

00:50:05.000 What are you doing? 0.99

00:50:06.000 What are you doing?

00:50:06.000 You're playing cards?

00:50:07.000 What are you doing?

00:50:08.000 There's nothing actually happening.

00:50:09.000 You're playing Quake. 1.00

00:50:10.000 I fucking killed everybody. 1.00

00:50:11.000 Nothing really happened. 1.00

00:50:13.000 You just got jolted.

00:50:16.000 Nothing was really created.

00:50:17.000 And eight hours went by.

00:50:19.000 You basically gave all your time to this artificial experience.

00:50:24.000 And you got an adrenaline rush out of it.

00:50:26.000 It was a lot of fun.

00:50:27.000 It was great.

00:50:28.000 But ultimately, nothing was created.

00:50:30.000 Whereas if you took that same amount of time and you decided, I'm going to draw a picture, or I'm going to paint something, I'm going to write a song, an actual physical thing manifests itself that people can enjoy. 0.98

00:50:41.000 Or, fucking rocket launchers. 1.00

00:50:45.000 Lightning bolt guns and shit, gunning people down. 1.00

00:50:48.000 Halo! 1.00

00:50:48.000 You don't get anything out of that. 1.00

00:50:50.000 It's weird.

00:50:50.000 Is that your game, Halo?

00:50:51.000 It used to be.

00:50:52.000 I step away.

00:50:54.000 I literally force myself not to get on game systems that much anymore.

00:50:58.000 Because I would...

00:50:59.000 I would do that and I would do Madden and NCAA. Madden's supposed to be awesome.

00:51:05.000 I heard Madden is just so addictive.

00:51:06.000 The college one, I would play, because I like college ball a lot, I would play, you could create a player, you start your team, and then play a season.

00:51:14.000 Did you make white guys win? 0.98

00:51:15.000 I would make fucking Tom run a 4-3-40. 1.00

00:51:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:51:19.000 Of course. 0.99

00:51:20.000 You'd give him ridiculous power. 0.97

00:51:22.000 Absolutely. 1.00

00:51:23.000 I'd be like 6'3", 230, just fucking yoked. 0.99

00:51:26.000 Yeah, absolutely. 0.99

00:51:27.000 Just Vikings.

00:51:28.000 Vikings, absolutely.

00:51:28.000 An army of Brock Lesnar's.

00:51:29.000 But I would play the full...

00:51:31.000 I would say I would play...

00:51:32.000 I would do the spring thing, spring ball, and then play... 0.96

00:51:36.000 Fucking 12-game season, the conference game and the bowl game, and then recruit players, because you can recruit and recruit them for the next year. 0.99

00:51:45.000 And fucking, I played, you know, 14 games in a row, and I'm like, holding on for the next season to start. 0.99

00:51:51.000 And this is like in one sitting. 0.99

00:51:53.000 Wow.

00:51:54.000 Yeah, it's hours and hours.

00:51:56.000 It's not good, man.

00:51:57.000 Well, that's the same thing with poker, too, right?

00:52:00.000 I mean, when people start playing poker, don't they disappear?

00:52:02.000 Absolutely. 0.88

00:52:03.000 And the guy that I know that does it the most, like, not only does he disappear doing all that behavior, but he's also fucking losing his livelihood, you know? 0.66

00:52:12.000 Like... 1.00

00:52:12.000 Shit, we're fucking down 500 today. 1.00

00:52:15.000 It's hard. 1.00

00:52:16.000 It's hard to make a living playing poker.

00:52:18.000 You've got to be super good.

00:52:19.000 All props to those Daniel Negrano type characters.

00:52:22.000 Phil Ivey and all these guys that I hear about.

00:52:25.000 Do you like poker?

00:52:25.000 I don't play it.

00:52:27.000 I don't like cards.

00:52:29.000 It's not that I don't like cards.

00:52:30.000 It's just it's not something that I'm interested in doing because when I was a A kid and I would play pool, the card games would always interrupt the pool action.

00:52:38.000 Oh, really?

00:52:38.000 And everybody would be like, Jesus Christ, is this a card place or a pool hall?

00:52:42.000 Like guys that you would normally get bets with, they wanted to go gamble.

00:52:46.000 Because that's all pool halls were about.

00:52:48.000 All pool halls were about was like hobby people who were into just knocking balls around with their friends who never got good.

00:52:55.000 And then either tournament players or gamblers.

00:52:57.000 And so the tournament players are usually both tournament players and gamblers.

00:53:01.000 So there's always gambling. 1.00

00:53:02.000 Unless some asshole came around with a deck of cards. 1.00

00:53:06.000 Because you can miss when you're playing pool. 1.00

00:53:09.000 You can miss.

00:53:11.000 You can play on a gaffy table where the pockets are weird.

00:53:13.000 And this guy might know the table better than you do.

00:53:15.000 So he knows what spots to avoid.

00:53:17.000 But with poker, there's no missing.

00:53:21.000 You're really gambling.

00:53:22.000 You're just gambling.

00:53:23.000 You're using your intelligence, but you're also gambling.

00:53:26.000 I don't have the mind for it, man.

00:53:26.000 I don't get poker.

00:53:28.000 I'm really not.

00:53:28.000 Powerful CTO, Coconut Water.

00:53:30.000 Thank you very much.

00:53:30.000 I'm not into it, man.

00:53:32.000 I'm intimidated by numbers, and I'm intimidated by just like the game itself.

00:53:37.000 I've never been drawn.

00:53:38.000 Seems like an awesome game.

00:53:39.000 It seems like a real absorbing game, though.

00:53:42.000 It seems like a very... 0.98

00:53:43.000 Like, you have to really be a bad motherfucker to understand the in and outs of poker and to have like... 0.99

00:53:49.000 You know, years and years of intuition. 0.99

00:53:51.000 I mean, those are special dudes.

00:53:53.000 They obviously have special minds.

00:53:55.000 Just for me, I was always so absorbed with things that required execution.

00:54:00.000 Physical execution as well as like mental.

00:54:03.000 And that's why I liked Quake because it was like this hand-eye coordination thing.

00:54:07.000 That was what I was getting my rocks off on.

00:54:09.000 And that's the same thing with pool.

00:54:11.000 So to me, it's like it was always a physical thing as well as a mental thing.

00:54:15.000 I felt like the real thrills to me were when I could combine the two things together.

00:54:20.000 When I could combine a physical experience and a mental experience.

00:54:23.000 That's why I like jujitsu.

00:54:25.000 That's why I like playing pool.

00:54:27.000 So the card thing was lacking the physical part.

00:54:30.000 There was no execution.

00:54:31.000 I didn't have to execute.

00:54:32.000 So that was way less exciting.

00:54:34.000 You can't compare. 0.99

00:54:36.000 The difference between when you're watching a guy gambling and he's gambling for $10,000 a set of nine ball in every fucking pocket. 0.99

00:54:43.000 He's... 0.99

00:54:44.000 Putting his hands on his shirt and blowing on his hands and putting talcum powder on.

00:54:49.000 He's sweating and he's trying to keep it together.

00:54:52.000 You're trying to really gently control how a ball spins and collides with another ball.

00:54:59.000 And make sure that you hit it just enough so that it lands perfectly for the next one.

00:55:04.000 All while you're gambling.

00:55:05.000 I mean, that's what's exciting. 1.00

00:55:07.000 When you're just sitting there with cards, and you know what card to pick, stupid. 1.00

00:55:11.000 Just pick the fucking card, dude. 1.00

00:55:12.000 It's like you win or you don't win. 1.00

00:55:14.000 It's like it's not the same loss.

00:55:16.000 A guy shoots your nuts in in a game of pool, like if you're playing a race to ten and he breaks and runs out ten games on you, you lose.

00:55:23.000 You don't even get a chance to play.

00:55:25.000 That can happen.

00:55:26.000 That has happened.

00:55:27.000 Not to me, but it has happened in the past.

00:55:30.000 Ten in a row, just run the whole thing.

00:55:31.000 It's happened more than once.

00:55:32.000 There was one guy who did it for a million dollars.

00:55:36.000 Yeah, they had an insurance policy to see if you could run 10 racks in a row, which had never been done in a competition before, you could win a million dollars.

00:55:46.000 It had only been done a couple of times.

00:55:49.000 Johnny Archer ran 10 and out on Francisco Bustamante.

00:55:52.000 They were gambling.

00:55:53.000 That was a legendary story.

00:55:57.000 Yeah.

00:56:16.000 They couldn't believe they found the statistics.

00:56:19.000 No one had ever broken around 10 racks ever in any modern nine-ball tournament that they could have on record.

00:56:26.000 So they said, listen, I don't think it's much of a gamble.

00:56:29.000 We'll bet a million dollars.

00:56:30.000 If someone does it, they win a million dollars. 0.99

00:56:32.000 Earl Strickland did it the first fucking tournament they had. 0.99

00:56:34.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:56:35.000 I think it was the first.

00:56:36.000 It was either the first or the second.

00:56:38.000 He broke and ran ten racks like a demon, fired in combinations on the nine ball. 1.00

00:56:43.000 I mean, it was ridiculous shit. 1.00

00:56:44.000 It was like movie shit. 1.00

00:56:46.000 And they denied him. 0.99

00:56:47.000 I think he wound up settling, but he never got the full million bucks.

00:56:51.000 They denied him, really?

00:56:51.000 I think he only got a quarter million bucks or something like that.

00:56:54.000 I hope I'm wrong, but he's one of the greatest players of all time.

00:57:00.000 And he gambles too.

00:57:02.000 He does those action challenges, those action report matches where they have online, they'll have just two guys playing for $25,000.

00:57:11.000 They'll both put up the money and then they'll have a gambling contest. 0.77

00:57:15.000 You ever played, what's the other one called?

00:57:17.000 Snooker.

00:57:18.000 Snooker?

00:57:18.000 No, I've never played that.

00:57:20.000 It's the same principle, but smaller.

00:57:22.000 Well, it requires some incredible fundamentals.

00:57:27.000 There's more room for error in a game pool than there is in snooker.

00:57:33.000 First of all, because in nine ball, like the chosen gambling game, nine ball, the balls are all wild.

00:57:38.000 So what that means is if you miss the one ball in the corner pocket, but it spins around and lands on the side, it still counts.

00:57:44.000 You just keep going.

00:57:45.000 When snooker, I don't think that would ever count.

00:57:47.000 I think snooker is like very precise.

00:57:49.000 I think – and you have to move balls.

00:57:52.000 I don't really totally, completely understand it. 1.00

00:57:54.000 And the table is fucking huge and the balls are tiny and the pockets are tiny as shit. 0.99

00:57:58.000 And there are certain ways where you shoot it, it doesn't accept the ball the same way it does in a pool table. 0.99

00:58:03.000 I don't think you can cut a ball down the rail the way you can on a regular pool table.

00:58:08.000 So it's a little bit of a different sort of a game.

00:58:11.000 But snooker players notoriously are good at pool.

00:58:14.000 Like the top world snooker players, like these English guys.

00:58:19.000 Steve Davis, yeah.

00:58:20.000 These guys are awesome snooker players, like world champions.

00:58:26.000 They come over to pool and then eventually they start, Ronnie O'Sullivan, eventually they start fucking up the Americans. 0.58

00:58:31.000 It takes time. 0.90

00:58:32.000 Yeah.

00:58:32.000 Well, the Americans, there's a few high-level guys, but the European guys have such a strong team.

00:58:40.000 There's so many guys.

00:58:41.000 The Americans might have the best guys of all time, like Johnny Archer, one of the best guys of all time.

00:58:46.000 Earl Strickland, one of the best guys of all time.

00:58:48.000 Shane Van Boning, one of the best guys of all time and one of the best guys right now.

00:58:51.000 But Europe is... 1.00

00:58:52.000 It's like, there's so many fucking players that are killers. 1.00

00:58:55.000 There's so many. 1.00

00:58:56.000 Poole is huge over there, man.

00:58:58.000 It's weird how many good guys.

00:58:59.000 In Asia? 0.97

00:59:00.000 They say in Asia, like there's parts of Asia where Poole is fucking enormous. 0.99

00:59:04.000 The Philippines especially. 0.98

00:59:05.000 It's enormous.

00:59:07.000 Like you go there, it's like one of their most, their like number one behind soccer, I think.

00:59:15.000 I think it's soccer.

00:59:16.000 Are the Philippines in the soccer?

00:59:17.000 Does that make sense?

00:59:18.000 Or is it baseball?

00:59:19.000 Am I making this up?

00:59:20.000 Cricket maybe? 0.99

00:59:21.000 We're just making shit up. 0.99

00:59:23.000 Bocce? 0.99

00:59:24.000 Slip and slide.

00:59:26.000 I'm amazed by how sports culturally evolve. 0.99

00:59:30.000 Also how certain places so love a sport and do not give a fuck about another sport. 0.82

00:59:39.000 Cricket would be a great example. 0.93

00:59:41.000 It's big in some of the islands.

00:59:43.000 It's huge in India, Pakistan, Australia. 1.00

00:59:49.000 That shit is like Is it a gambling game? 1.00

00:59:51.000 Is that why it's big? 1.00

00:59:52.000 I don't know if it's a gambling game, but you watch it and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck's going on. 0.95

00:59:56.000 And clearly, nobody in this country who's not from one of those countries... 0.97

00:59:59.000 I don't know the rules.

01:00:01.000 I think it's difficult to follow.

01:00:03.000 You see the number, you're like, what?

01:00:05.000 It's like a five-day game.

01:00:07.000 You don't understand why they're celebrating.

01:00:10.000 Pass.

01:00:11.000 I'd rather do cocaine.

01:00:12.000 I can't get into it. 0.99

01:00:14.000 It's so silly. 0.74

01:00:15.000 Billiards, soccer, football, it's very regional, specific. 0.94

01:00:20.000 Well, I think you get into a game, and then once you get into it, you understand the skill behind it.

01:00:26.000 Look, it's so weird, and people are willing to fall into things so odd.

01:00:31.000 Just look at the way baseball uniforms look. 1.00

01:00:34.000 What the fuck are you dressing like? 1.00

01:00:37.000 Why do you have to dress like that for this stupid game? 1.00

01:00:39.000 You're dressing like you live in a different century. 1.00

01:00:42.000 What kind of stupid button-up shirt are you wearing? 1.00

01:00:44.000 What the fuck is with your socks? 1.00

01:00:46.000 What the fuck is with your tight pants? 1.00

01:00:49.000 If you were just a regular dude walking around with those pants in the street, I'd say, get the fuck away from my kids. 1.00

01:00:54.000 But because you're playing some silly game, you have to dress like a pilgrim? 1.00

01:00:59.000 This is ridiculous. 1.00

01:01:00.000 This game's retarded beyond belief. 1.00

01:01:02.000 Yeah, I know.

01:01:02.000 It needs to be revamped.

01:01:03.000 It's like one step away from a pirate's fucking outfit. 1.00

01:01:06.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

01:01:06.000 And it's a ridiculous game. 1.00

01:01:08.000 It's just fucking boring as shit. 1.00

01:01:09.000 It takes too long. 0.99

01:01:10.000 I can't do it.

01:01:11.000 I can't do it.

01:01:12.000 I liked playing it when I was a kid.

01:01:14.000 And when you like playing it, you understand what the skills involved in hitting a 94 mile an hour fastball. 0.99

01:01:20.000 That's fucking really skilled. 0.98

01:01:21.000 Yeah, catching a ball that's over the fucking top of the wall. 1.00

01:01:25.000 But who cares? 0.99

01:01:27.000 Yeah.

01:01:27.000 I don't like baseball.

01:01:30.000 I like football.

01:01:31.000 That's by far my favorite sport.

01:01:32.000 I like women's softball. 1.00

01:01:33.000 Sports are awesome.

01:01:34.000 I'll tell you what, man.

01:01:35.000 Anything that's hard is awesome. 0.89

01:01:37.000 Anything where you get into it and you try to express yourself and show your ability to concentrate and focus through a ball or through whatever the fuck it is that you're doing in any sport.

01:01:48.000 I love watching it. 0.64

01:01:49.000 I love watching competition.

01:01:50.000 I love watching people pay off, like hard work paying off. 1.00

01:01:56.000 That's like, to me, I want to see that shit all the time. 0.99

01:01:59.000 Even tennis. 0.99

01:02:00.000 I don't give a fuck about tennis. 0.98

01:02:02.000 But I watched some tennis the other day. 0.98

01:02:03.000 I just watched it.

01:02:04.000 I was like, whoa, that guy's really trying to hit that ball and he's really trying to get it.

01:02:07.000 Oh, he's really close.

01:02:08.000 Impressive. 0.99

01:02:08.000 I don't really give a fuck what's going on because it's not my thing. 0.99

01:02:11.000 But if I was a tennis head instead of a pool head, it's the same thing. 0.99

01:02:15.000 It is.

01:02:15.000 I could have easily gotten hooked on tennis or baseball or golf.

01:02:20.000 This is a fucking era, a golden era for tennis too. 0.99

01:02:23.000 Is it? 1.00

01:02:24.000 There's some bad motherfuckers playing. 1.00

01:02:25.000 Really? 1.00

01:02:25.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:02:26.000 Who's that guy? 1.00

01:02:27.000 The guy that beat Serena and the other one?

01:02:31.000 What is the other Williams name?

01:02:33.000 Venus?

01:02:34.000 Yeah.

01:02:35.000 Venus and Serena, he beat them both.

01:02:37.000 Really?

01:02:37.000 A man?

01:02:38.000 After he played golf, drank beer, and then played 7-1 or whatever the fuck this was. 0.99

01:02:45.000 Really? 0.98

01:02:45.000 Yeah, beat them both. 0.98

01:02:46.000 I don't know.

01:02:47.000 I don't know about that.

01:02:48.000 I'll do it.

01:02:49.000 I'll pull it up.

01:02:50.000 It's a famous case.

01:02:52.000 Federer is, you know...

01:02:56.000 If you look at his career...

01:02:57.000 He's one of the all-time best right now, right?

01:02:59.000 By far, yeah.

01:03:00.000 They say that they could put him up there with McEnroe in his prime, any of those guys.

01:03:06.000 Isn't that incredible?

01:03:07.000 He absolutely dominates people.

01:03:08.000 That's amazing.

01:03:09.000 And he's been doing it consistently now for just years, man.

01:03:13.000 And Nadal's also up there.

01:03:15.000 And what's his name just retired?

01:03:17.000 Roddick?

01:03:17.000 And everybody was like, if his peer class wasn't so good, He would have won so many more titles.

01:03:26.000 But he just happens to be around in this era of like so many just absolutely dominant tennis players.

01:03:37.000 Yeah, I don't follow it enough, but I would assume that that's just the case with everything right now, right?

01:03:42.000 Isn't the case with basketball teams?

01:03:44.000 Well, here's an example of one where it's not.

01:03:46.000 Like the heavyweight boxing division.

01:03:48.000 So people say this is just an era where it's not as...

01:03:53.000 As competitive and as big, there's not as many big, exciting fighters.

01:03:58.000 So, you know, we don't talk about right now as being the most exciting time.

01:04:04.000 I mean, you know, boxing in general has taken a dip, but, like, people have always been drawn to the heavyweight division in boxing.

01:04:10.000 You know, it's the one that people always like big, you know, so the heavyweight boxers.

01:04:16.000 Right now, you know, I guess you could...

01:04:18.000 The Klitschkos. 0.88

01:04:19.000 The Klitschkos pretty much own it. 0.94

01:04:20.000 I mean, part of that you could argue, hey, they're not American, so Americans get excited about American heavyweights, basically, and those guys have been dominant.

01:04:28.000 They're not American. 1.00

01:04:29.000 But, you know, the division...

01:04:31.000 Pretty much has a lot of journeymen and they go up and they give it a shot and sometimes the belt switches hands, but it's pretty much Klitsch goes to run through and people don't talk about this as like, wow, this era right now, you know, heavyweight boxers are like...

01:04:48.000 It's not a great era.

01:04:49.000 It's not a great era.

01:04:49.000 No.

01:04:50.000 It's not like a Holyfield or Lennox Lewis type era. 0.96

01:04:53.000 And then like another guy would pop up, you know, Bo would pop in and you'd be like, oh shit, who's this guy? 1.00

01:04:58.000 And It's weird that two white guys are running shit. 1.00

01:05:01.000 Running, yes. 1.00

01:05:02.000 Two white Russian dudes who are doctors are running shit. 0.99

01:05:05.000 Did I tell you, I went to this boxing gym in Glendale, and there was a guy there who trained a bunch of them. 0.99

01:05:13.000 And he said, basically, those guys, they train like, alright, a thousand right crosses. 0.99

01:05:19.000 Yeah, they're willing to do some shit that Americans are not willing to do. 1.00

01:05:23.000 They're like, start that shit over. 1.00

01:05:24.000 And so, like, technically, every punch is always exactly, like, executed. 1.00

01:05:30.000 Yeah.

01:05:31.000 Like, never off.

01:05:32.000 You watch them, it's just like, it's perfect execution.

01:05:34.000 But it's not exciting.

01:05:36.000 Before anybody has a chance to get good, they nip him.

01:05:38.000 Go get him, quick! 1.00

01:05:40.000 As soon as the guy becomes even remotely into contention, go get him!

01:05:43.000 And the guy, the trainer guy, he's foreign, so he has this heavy accent, and he's telling me about different... 0.99

01:05:51.000 He's like, now, if you ever fight with a Mexican, they're like dogs. 1.00

01:05:54.000 They're just going to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. 1.00

01:05:56.000 I'm like, okay...

01:05:57.000 I was like, do you tell everybody that?

01:05:59.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:06:00.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

01:06:01.000 It's such that foreign mindset of like, this is how it is. 1.00

01:06:04.000 Just racism is a big deal. 0.92

01:06:05.000 And just like, he's like, you gotta take a Mexican down because they'll never stop fighting. 1.00

01:06:09.000 And I'm like, okay?

01:06:10.000 Jesus Christ. 0.97

01:06:10.000 And then he's like, the blacks, oh, please. 0.97

01:06:13.000 Just great. 0.52

01:06:14.000 And you're like, okay.

01:06:16.000 What was he? 0.97

01:06:17.000 He liked fighting black guys? 0.99

01:06:18.000 No, he was like, they're just, you know, like he's like, he was talking about Floyd and he was just like, you know, um... 0.90

01:06:25.000 Technically, just a fantastic puncher.

01:06:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:30.000 Floyd Mayweather does everything perfect.

01:06:32.000 Perfect.

01:06:32.000 But, on top of that, has out-of-control skills.

01:06:36.000 Reflexes, skills.

01:06:38.000 Improvising skills.

01:06:38.000 And he's trained perfectly.

01:06:41.000 I mean, his brother, Roger, you know, I mean, his uncle, Roger.

01:06:45.000 Roger Mayweather was a fantastic boxer.

01:06:48.000 His dad was a good boxer. 1.00

01:06:51.000 Fuck about Victor Ortiz. 1.00

01:06:52.000 That was the best soundbite ever from 24-7. 1.00

01:06:55.000 That thing was so ridiculous. 1.00

01:06:57.000 I love that shit. 1.00

01:06:57.000 That fight was so ridiculous. 1.00

01:06:59.000 He sucker punched that dude. 1.00

01:07:00.000 The guy's looking at the referee and he's like, bitch, we're still fighting. 1.00

01:07:03.000 Crack! 1.00

01:07:05.000 Blam! 0.78

01:07:05.000 That was weird of Ortiz, though, too. 0.78

01:07:07.000 He's a silly bitch. 1.00

01:07:08.000 And then he kind of gave it up. 1.00

01:07:10.000 But then we talked about, what's his name?

01:07:13.000 I like the way Victor Ortiz fights, man.

01:07:15.000 That guy's crazy.

01:07:15.000 Yeah, he's a tough guy.

01:07:16.000 He just messed up.

01:07:17.000 He just made an error.

01:07:19.000 What's the Filipino?

01:07:20.000 I can't even think right now.

01:07:24.000 Who's the...

01:07:25.000 Manny Pacquiao?

01:07:26.000 Pacquiao.

01:07:27.000 How dare you call him the Filipino.

01:07:29.000 One of the greatest boxers in the history of the world. 0.94

01:07:31.000 I just blanked on his name.

01:07:32.000 Maybe the greatest.

01:07:33.000 If you really think about accomplishments.

01:07:34.000 But he, you know, like he leaves the ground.

01:07:37.000 Yeah.

01:07:37.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:38.000 Throws his legs at his punches. 0.99

01:07:40.000 Fucking powerful, man. 0.99

01:07:41.000 He hits so hard. 1.00

01:07:42.000 A lot of his power comes from his legs.

01:07:44.000 He's a powerful dude. 1.00

01:07:46.000 Manny Pacquiao's a fucking murderous puncher. 1.00

01:07:49.000 When he fought... 1.00

01:07:50.000 What the fuck's his name? 0.99

01:07:52.000 The dude, he broke both his eye sockets. 1.00

01:07:55.000 Shit. 1.00

01:07:56.000 Margarita. 1.00

01:07:57.000 Yeah, Antonio?

01:07:58.000 Margarita, right?

01:07:58.000 The guy who was disgraced for using plaster in his knuckles.

01:08:02.000 Yeah.

01:08:02.000 Boy, he paid that price.

01:08:04.000 Karmically, he paid that price, man. 1.00

01:08:06.000 Because Pacquiao beat his fucking eyes in. 1.00

01:08:08.000 He beat his eyes so bad they had to replace the lens in his eye with an artificial lens. 1.00

01:08:13.000 Oh my god.

01:08:13.000 Yeah.

01:08:14.000 Did he ever fight again?

01:08:15.000 Yep. 1.00

01:08:15.000 Fuck yeah, he did. 1.00

01:08:16.000 Yeah, he got back in there. 1.00

01:08:18.000 Jesus Christ, man.

01:08:19.000 He got back in there and fought Miguel Cotto. 0.98

01:08:21.000 And Miguel Cotto was one of the guys who he beat where they suspected he did something to his gloves because he fucked the dude up. 0.99

01:08:29.000 Murderously fucked him up. 0.55

01:08:30.000 And he never really did that with anybody. 1.00

01:08:32.000 He was just knocking motherfuckers out cold. 1.00

01:08:35.000 Cotto? 1.00

01:08:36.000 No, no, Margarito.

01:08:37.000 Oh, Margarito, yeah.

01:08:37.000 Before they found the plaster in his gloves.

01:08:39.000 Because he did it to Cotto, though, right?

01:08:40.000 Yeah, he did.

01:08:41.000 He did.

01:08:42.000 He did the first time, but the second time, Cotto stopped him.

01:08:44.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:08:45.000 But it was, I think it was like a cut or some shit that stopped him.

01:08:48.000 But Margarito couldn't really hit his heart after they caught him with the plaster. 0.76

01:08:53.000 Yeah, I don't know. 0.99

01:08:54.000 That's scary shit to think that a guy was making his career, putting rocks in his gloves. 1.00

01:08:59.000 What a mean dickhead. 1.00

01:09:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:02.000 Yeah.

01:09:03.000 He's totally cheating.

01:09:06.000 Yeah.

01:09:07.000 And getting away with it. 0.99

01:09:08.000 And giving you, like, definitely fucking more aggravated brain damage than you would be getting. 0.99

01:09:14.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:09:15.000 He's hitting you with fucking casts in your face. 1.00

01:09:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:18.000 Like, that's really shaking up the inside of your head.

01:09:21.000 There was a fight during the...

01:09:23.000 I think it was the 80s, where a guy...

01:09:27.000 Panama Lewis had pulled the stuffing out of a guy's gloves.

01:09:30.000 Yeah, I remember that.

01:09:31.000 And it was this kid, I believe the kid's name was Louie Resto, the boxer, and then the other one was Billy Collins, I think it was.

01:09:39.000 I forget what the guy's name was, but the poor kid had ended his career.

01:09:43.000 Because he just got barred.

01:09:45.000 He died.

01:09:46.000 Well, he crashed into a tree.

01:09:48.000 They think he committed suicide.

01:09:50.000 And the guy, Panama Red, was...

01:09:53.000 Panama Lewis.

01:09:54.000 Lewis was suspended, like, years.

01:09:58.000 The fighter, I don't think he ever fought again.

01:10:01.000 And he denied any, you know, wrongdoing until a few years ago.

01:10:07.000 And he gave it up on camera.

01:10:10.000 Really?

01:10:11.000 Yeah.

01:10:11.000 The boxer.

01:10:12.000 Which fight?

01:10:14.000 About the fight that you're talking about?

01:10:16.000 But they found that right away, though.

01:10:18.000 But the guy that was guilty of the guy who Panama was training? 0.77

01:10:22.000 Yeah, I believe it was Louis Resto.

01:10:24.000 He denied it.

01:10:25.000 He didn't know.

01:10:27.000 That he didn't know.

01:10:27.000 Exactly.

01:10:28.000 It was an accident. 0.94

01:10:29.000 That's silly. 0.99

01:10:29.000 You wouldn't know with the first punch you threw. 0.99

01:10:31.000 His family always had his back.

01:10:34.000 It wasn't on him.

01:10:35.000 and then on camera with his family there he was like no I know what I did oh they're just devastated yeah that's a terrible terrible terrible thing to live with man that That's not just cheating.

01:10:46.000 That's like, ugh, that's horrific, man.

01:10:48.000 Yeah, you basically, you know...

01:10:49.000 You ruined a guy's life.

01:10:50.000 Yeah, you did. 1.00

01:10:51.000 Ruined a guy's life, a guy who was really good at competing under a set of rules, and you just fucking totally hijacked the whole thing on TV, you stupid fuck. 1.00

01:10:59.000 On TV, beat a guy up with no padding in your gloves. 1.00

01:11:03.000 That's unreal. 1.00

01:11:03.000 So you're just bare knuckle crazy. 1.00

01:11:05.000 You cheated. 1.00

01:11:06.000 You cheat an asshole. 1.00

01:11:07.000 Isn't it crazy that you still get all these guys every single year in every sport that all still Cheat. 1.00

01:11:15.000 Cheat.

01:11:16.000 And, you know, the Olympics, they took some, I forget, somebody's medal was, you know...

01:11:21.000 One guy had marijuana in his system.

01:11:23.000 Oh, really? 1.00

01:11:23.000 Yeah, the motherfucker. 1.00

01:11:25.000 Had weed in his system? 1.00

01:11:26.000 Yeah, some skier or some shit. 0.99

01:11:28.000 Ah, that's not... 0.98

01:11:29.000 Skier, I can see.

01:11:30.000 Someone got kicked off the team for weed.

01:11:32.000 Was it judo?

01:11:33.000 Oh, there was a judo guy.

01:11:34.000 Yeah, there was a judo guy who got kicked off. 0.99

01:11:35.000 But you see the performance-enhancing shit, and you're like, how are you still... 0.99

01:11:39.000 You know they're going to come after you, man. 0.99

01:11:41.000 There's a lot of different shit that people are doing that they've got away with in the past, I think, and they're slowly starting to clamp down on that thing. 1.00

01:11:49.000 And fucking Armstrong is crazy. 0.99

01:11:52.000 Well, the crazy thing about Armstrong is he's only done by this one, like, it's an American thing that's gone after him. 1.00

01:12:01.000 It's the United States. 0.98

01:12:02.000 Anti-doping, whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

01:12:04.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.51

01:12:05.000 But that has nothing to do with the Tour de France.

01:12:07.000 So when they say that he doesn't have the eight Tour de France, notice I say France.

01:12:13.000 Yes.

01:12:13.000 Sophisticated.

01:12:14.000 I've been to the airport in Paris.

01:12:16.000 But when he...

01:12:19.000 They're saying that...

01:12:20.000 I thought they did have jurisdiction.

01:12:22.000 They do?

01:12:22.000 I thought so, because, I mean, everything that I saw was he was stripped of his second titles.

01:12:27.000 Yeah, I've heard that he was stripped by these people, that they don't recognize it. 0.97

01:12:31.000 But I don't know if he was necessarily stripped by whoever the fuck puts on the Tour de France. 0.98

01:12:36.000 He definitely did what they said he did. 0.98

01:12:39.000 You think so?

01:12:40.000 Absolutely.

01:12:40.000 Look at you, Tommy Guns is throwing in.

01:12:43.000 100%.

01:12:43.000 I do not believe in these witch hunts for people that are essentially heroes and super...

01:12:52.000 Nobody accuses Michael Jordan of having done this.

01:12:57.000 Nobody accuses Joe Montana of having done this.

01:13:01.000 They do it because it's there.

01:13:03.000 His teammates have all come clean about it. 1.00

01:13:07.000 They've all said, we all did this shit. 1.00

01:13:08.000 Everybody... 1.00

01:13:09.000 And then when you finally have your chance...

01:13:11.000 You finally have your chance to be like, this is the last.

01:13:14.000 He's like, you know what?

01:13:15.000 Enough's enough.

01:13:16.000 Really?

01:13:17.000 Enough's enough?

01:13:18.000 I'm just tired of fighting this fight.

01:13:20.000 Well, you have a chance now.

01:13:22.000 This is the final lap of the race.

01:13:26.000 This is when you go, I'm just, you know what?

01:13:29.000 A man at some point just said that.

01:13:31.000 In his defense, he's been defending it for years.

01:13:34.000 But you give up and let them take your name and ruin your name again?

01:13:38.000 Do you know that he has passed, and I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but do you know that he's passed like 500 drug tests?

01:13:43.000 Yes, I do.

01:13:44.000 I do.

01:13:45.000 But why is there a witch hunt to get somebody like that?

01:13:48.000 I don't...

01:13:50.000 This is what gets me.

01:13:52.000 You ever see a dude who's like killed his wife and he's on the news and they're accusing him of...

01:13:59.000 Why'd you do it?

01:14:00.000 Why'd you do it?

01:14:00.000 And he's like, I didn't.

01:14:01.000 Didn't do anything.

01:14:02.000 And you're like, that is not how you would react if your wife was killed and they were dragging you off and you were innocent. 0.98

01:14:07.000 You would be freaking the fuck out. 0.91

01:14:09.000 What happened?

01:14:11.000 You lost your loved one? 1.00

01:14:12.000 You're a crazy person. 1.00

01:14:13.000 You're a crazy person that they caught doing something. 1.00

01:14:16.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:14:18.000 But you think that they would go after him, though, if there wasn't any evidence to support that?

01:14:26.000 I don't know, like how?

01:14:27.000 No, I'm saying like for Lance, right?

01:14:30.000 I mean, I don't know what they can do. 0.99

01:14:32.000 I mean, I think once he's passed the drug test, he passed like 500 fucking drug tests. 0.97

01:14:37.000 But here's the thing, where's the evidence? 0.97

01:14:39.000 What do you have? 0.96

01:14:40.000 Do you have any of his blood and you can run it through a machine and find some shit that we didn't find before? 0.97

01:14:45.000 If you don't have that, then what are you doing? 0.98

01:14:47.000 I think they do have it.

01:14:48.000 They probably have that.

01:14:49.000 If they do have that, that would be...

01:14:50.000 No, they would have said they had that. 0.99

01:14:52.000 If they do have that, they would have put that shit on the news. 0.99

01:14:55.000 They would tell you what it is. 0.99

01:14:56.000 It's not something that you can keep a secret.

01:14:57.000 They have some sample, because some sample was referenced.

01:14:59.000 Was some sample referenced because he tested positive for EPO? Was it that?

01:15:04.000 I feel like he tested positive for something. 0.96

01:15:06.000 But whatever the fuck it is, you should have either got him back then, or you need to let it go and realize that now with your new super sophisticated methods of testing... 0.97

01:15:17.000 He might not have passed those tests before, but guess what he did? 0.99

01:15:20.000 Let's fucking move on. 0.99

01:15:22.000 Leave the guy alone. 1.00

01:15:23.000 You're going to ruin his life because he did exactly what everybody else did?

01:15:27.000 He just was better at it?

01:15:28.000 Because that's what happened. 1.00

01:15:30.000 To go after him, you have to assume that he's a real motherfucker. 1.00

01:15:34.000 Here's my question. 1.00

01:15:35.000 Why does he have to tell anybody that he was...

01:15:39.000 If they were all doping, okay?

01:15:41.000 And that's what we're assuming that's the case.

01:15:43.000 We're assuming that everyone at the top of the list...

01:15:45.000 And by the way, a lot of the doping does not necessarily even have to be unhealthy.

01:15:49.000 Like the blood transfusions.

01:15:51.000 That's not unhealthy.

01:15:52.000 Blood doping is not unhealthy.

01:15:53.000 It just is an inordinate amount of blood in your body.

01:15:58.000 You have a much more easy way of producing oxygen.

01:16:01.000 Mm-hmm.

01:16:01.000 You can process oxygen better.

01:16:03.000 That's why being dehydrated is so bad for your cardio.

01:16:06.000 It's like one of the most important things for outdoor exercise.

01:16:11.000 Well, that was...

01:16:12.000 I think that was... 1.00

01:16:15.000 Fuck, how would they describe it? 1.00

01:16:20.000 It's... 1.00

01:16:22.000 I just don't think any of them can achieve the highest level without doing at least some of that. 0.91

01:16:27.000 If it's not blood doping, if it's not taking EPO, if it's not taking some fucking roots that boost your testosterone that are legal today but won't be legal in six months from now when they find out about it...

01:16:41.000 It seems like if everybody is doing it at the very top of the list, if all those guys on his team got busted, it can only make sense that he could do it, too.

01:16:51.000 Right, so I just think that, for me, the assumption that I make, and again, I realize that I'm not...

01:16:56.000 Privy to any of the evidence or information, but the assumption that I make is if all these guys say he did it, that he worked with, all his former teammates, coaches, associates, everybody says it, and then the doping agency is so adamant about pursuing it.

01:17:14.000 Why?

01:17:15.000 Why would you do this if there's nothing there?

01:17:18.000 Why are you trying to get there?

01:17:20.000 Generally, that doesn't happen.

01:17:21.000 People don't go after somebody just because. 0.92

01:17:25.000 Do you think that's because, like, prosecutors sort of get a wild hair across their ass, like, we're gonna go get this guy, and then it becomes, like, a competition? 0.96

01:17:32.000 It could be. 0.98

01:17:33.000 That's definitely possible, and they get, you know, that obviously happened, like, in that Duke lacrosse case, where the prosecutor there was like, he made a fucking show of it, like, we're gonna...

01:17:45.000 Before even reviewing the information and the evidence. 0.86

01:17:49.000 And then he paid a huge price because he was boasting and trashing them before they even got in a courtroom and ended up fucking losing his license to practice. 0.97

01:17:58.000 But I think part of that, what he did before, was from that charge he got of like, I'm going to put these rich, entitled kids fucking in their place. 0.97

01:18:08.000 Watch this right now. 0.99

01:18:09.000 And then it came back to bite them.

01:18:11.000 So yeah, I think there is part of it.

01:18:12.000 Some of that, people going after the big name.

01:18:14.000 But I just don't see them trying to do this to him for no reason.

01:18:20.000 I agree with you, but I don't know what the reasons are.

01:18:23.000 I felt like if the guy passed that many drug tests, and if everybody was doing what he was doing, if that's what they're saying, was he just better in spite of the doping?

01:18:34.000 If everybody was doping, he was the best.

01:18:37.000 He's a super talented athlete.

01:18:39.000 Yeah, clearly he's unbelievably disciplined.

01:18:41.000 So if you're telling me they all doped, isn't that not a level playing field then?

01:18:46.000 It's like the baseball argument.

01:18:47.000 They're saying this is like the asterisk whatever era, because at first it was like a few guys and then a few more, and then you're like, hold on.

01:18:55.000 Did everybody just juice for like this five or ten year period?

01:18:59.000 Right.

01:18:59.000 And it's looking like a huge percentage where it's not even news anymore.

01:19:03.000 Right.

01:19:04.000 When you find out that like all the big superstars did it, you know?

01:19:08.000 Yeah, it's craziness.

01:19:09.000 All the home run records were broken in that era.

01:19:11.000 When you look at Mark McGuire now, and you hear him talk about it, and you hear him, you know, he just like broke down when he was describing what he did. 0.98

01:19:19.000 You look at the best is when you see, like, when he was like in Oakland A, Bash Brothers era, and you see him and he's like, you know, he's like 6'4", and he looks like a fucking pencil. 0.96

01:19:30.000 Dude, I did a TV show with him. 0.88

01:19:31.000 Did you really?

01:19:32.000 He was on an episode of Hardball.

01:19:34.000 Back when he was really skinny, man.

01:19:35.000 Super thin.

01:19:36.000 He was young.

01:19:37.000 This is the pre-HGH days.

01:19:39.000 He turned into a gorilla.

01:19:41.000 He just went crazy with that working out.

01:19:43.000 But look at the dividends, man. 0.98

01:19:44.000 All of a sudden, he's just pulverizing balls.

01:19:49.000 But Bonds, too.

01:19:50.000 And you see Bonds in his Pirates uniform.

01:19:53.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:19:54.000 And you see him in his Giants shit. 1.00

01:19:56.000 It's fucking Do you remember how big Canseco was? 1.00

01:19:58.000 Yeah, he's a monster. 0.99

01:19:59.000 Dude, I was working in the Boston Athletic Club when I was 19 and Canseco was in town and he needed somewhere to work out and they must have been staying close to the Boston Athletic Club so they came down and worked out and that guy walked through the door and I was like, Jesus Christ! 0.72

01:20:14.000 Like, on TV with their silly 1860s outfits on, they don't look that big.

01:20:19.000 But when that guy walked through, I'm like, he's like 300 pounds! 0.99

01:20:22.000 He's fucking huge! 0.98

01:20:24.000 I mean, he might not have been 300, but he was like well over 250. He was enormous. 1.00

01:20:29.000 I remember the first time when I was like, holy shit, at the size of some fucking humans. 0.99

01:20:37.000 I was in high school, and I played in high school football two hours north of Miami. 0.99

01:20:42.000 And I went with a friend of mine on a recruiting trip, like his trip. 0.97

01:20:47.000 Down to the University of Miami, and we're standing on the field, and the players run out of the tunnel, and I'm looking at dudes in their chest, like I'm standing there looking at the numbers, and I'm like, holy fuck, I could never play against guys like this. 0.79

01:21:02.000 Like dudes that were like 6'6", 3'30", and I was like... 1.00

01:21:07.000 These are fucking animals running around, man. 1.00

01:21:10.000 Did people like that exist 100 years ago? 1.00

01:21:13.000 I don't think so.

01:21:14.000 One of the reasons why I think they might have every now and then, there was a guy that was the heavyweight champion.

01:21:20.000 His name was Primo Carnera.

01:21:22.000 And he was a legit giant. 0.99

01:21:24.000 He was fucking enormous. 0.94

01:21:26.000 But the best guys... 0.99

01:21:27.000 Let me see how big Primo Carnera was.

01:21:30.000 I think he was the biggest heavyweight champion ever.

01:21:33.000 I think.

01:21:33.000 Up until at least modern times.

01:21:36.000 Because I think there was some fucking giant Russian dude recently. 1.00

01:21:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:40.000 That was even bigger than that.

01:21:41.000 Yeah.

01:21:43.000 But I think this guy lived in the 50s.

01:21:49.000 I believe it was.

01:21:51.000 Yeah.

01:21:52.000 He lived until 1967. Yeah.

01:21:57.000 So he was 7'1".

01:22:00.000 Oh my god.

01:22:01.000 Jesus.

01:22:02.000 Oh my god.

01:22:03.000 Oh no, no, no, no, no.

01:22:05.000 Okay.

01:22:05.000 No, this guy's 6'7".

01:22:07.000 The Russian guy that I was talking about is 7'1".

01:22:12.000 His name Nikolai Valuev.

01:22:14.000 He's 7'1". 0.99

01:22:15.000 Holy shit. 0.98

01:22:18.000 So these guys were giants back then, but Carnera was only 6'7". 1.00

01:22:23.000 That's still a big motherfucker. 0.99

01:22:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:25.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:22:27.000 Yeah, up until that time, he was the tallest heavyweight in history.

01:22:30.000 And I think today, like, what are the Klitschkos?

01:22:33.000 They're like 6'6".

01:22:35.000 Yeah, they're like the same size. 1.00

01:22:36.000 Big fucking dudes. 0.99

01:22:37.000 Yeah, they're like the same size. 1.00

01:22:38.000 So this Primo Carnera back then, he was like a freak.

01:22:43.000 Yeah.

01:22:45.000 I did this fundraiser.

01:22:49.000 He was 275 pounds, this guy was, naturally.

01:22:53.000 That was, by the way, the biggest size of any athlete in the 80s. 0.89

01:23:02.000 I remember that linemen in the NFL were 275, 280, and every team would have a 300-pounder, and you'd be like, holy shit, they got a 300-pounder on the team. 0.62

01:23:14.000 And now, the entire line. 0.99

01:23:16.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

01:23:17.000 Is that human growth hormone? 1.00

01:23:19.000 What is that?

01:23:20.000 Is that steroids in the beef?

01:23:22.000 Is that what that is?

01:23:23.000 It's standard now.

01:23:24.000 Everyone's 320, 330. But what's happening?

01:23:27.000 Is it selective growing?

01:23:28.000 Yeah.

01:23:29.000 What is it?

01:23:30.000 Cell phones.

01:23:31.000 Is it this is the first couple of generations where they really understood nutrition and made sure the kids have vitamins growing up and they grew to their full potential?

01:23:38.000 Is that what it is?

01:23:39.000 Part of it is that.

01:23:40.000 I bet that has to do a lot with it, right?

01:23:41.000 Yeah, I think that is part of it.

01:23:43.000 But now you have this thing where there's more education.

01:23:51.000 For instance, in sports, you can be like, hey, I want to be.

01:23:55.000 This weight. 0.98

01:23:56.000 And they're going to program, you need fucking 300 grams of protein a day, and you need 5,000 calories, and you need to do this type of workout, and you're going to fucking swell up. 0.68

01:24:05.000 You can actually set that goal, and somebody can tell you pretty much, manufacture it, knowing their science, this is what you need to do if you want to obtain that. 0.95

01:24:15.000 So you can execute that. 0.98

01:24:17.000 But back then, they'd just be like, fucking, I don't know. 0.99

01:24:19.000 Yeah, there's definitely that. 0.98

01:24:20.000 You can definitely put on more size now than ever before.

01:24:23.000 But what I'm saying is that the actual number of giant humans has increased.

01:24:29.000 It's not just like the ability to put muscle on.

01:24:32.000 It's like the size of people is just...

01:24:35.000 It's more common to see these Primo Carnera guys in athletics today.

01:24:39.000 These 6'7", just naturally gigantic human beings.

01:24:43.000 That's more common today.

01:24:45.000 It just is. 0.99

01:24:46.000 So what the fuck is that? 0.99

01:24:47.000 Why is it more common? 0.99

01:24:48.000 Why is there two Klitschko's?

01:24:50.000 There's two giant 6'6 guys who are boxing everybody up.

01:24:53.000 There's two giant Russian dudes. 0.96

01:24:55.000 Just think about how many of those guys exist today.

01:24:58.000 How many giant human beings are out there?

01:25:00.000 There's a dude who fights in the UFC, Stefan Struve. 0.99

01:25:03.000 He's fucking 7 feet tall, man. 0.99

01:25:05.000 Seven feet. 1.00

01:25:06.000 Yeah, I don't even think he's 25. Seven feet tall.

01:25:09.000 The world is not designed for you when you're seven feet tall, man.

01:25:12.000 Dude, he's giant.

01:25:13.000 Semi-Shilt, he's another one. 1.00

01:25:14.000 Seven feet tall.

01:25:16.000 Giant kickboxers.

01:25:18.000 Jesus Christ.

01:25:21.000 And I guarantee you, kids that are coming up today, the kids that are growing up and are going to be coming to fruition or coming to a full height, rather, within the next decade, they're going to be even more giant.

01:25:33.000 It's like people are going to get bigger and bigger and bigger until we start morphing.

01:25:38.000 Into super giants.

01:25:40.000 Yeah, we're going to be giants.

01:25:41.000 There's no doubt about it, man.

01:25:42.000 As soon as they figure out a way to engineer the body selectively, we're going to figure out what's the optimum size you can be.

01:25:51.000 And people are just going to grow to that size. 0.93

01:25:53.000 You know, you're right that 100 years ago, there was not a fucking bunch of 6'6", 300-pound people. 0.92

01:25:59.000 Do you know how much the average soldier weighed in the Civil War? 0.97

01:26:03.000 How much?

01:26:03.000 125 pounds.

01:26:05.000 Yeah.

01:26:07.000 They were tiny little dudes.

01:26:08.000 That's Tommy as a fifth grader.

01:26:10.000 Yeah, that is not the same type of human being that we have today.

01:26:13.000 Because people are malnourished. 1.00

01:26:15.000 Everybody's catching fucking diseases. 1.00

01:26:17.000 There's shit all over everything. 1.00

01:26:19.000 Babies are dying. 1.00

01:26:20.000 Nobody knows how to wash their hands right.

01:26:21.000 It's a mess. 0.82

01:26:26.000 Those people who lived in the 1800s are tiny-ass little people. 0.88

01:26:28.000 Now we just have gargantuan people. 0.76

01:26:30.000 And they're getting bigger.

01:26:31.000 These Shaquille O'Neal dudes. 0.94

01:26:33.000 I did Fear Factor with Shaquille O'Neal, and I stand dick height on Shaquille O'Neal. 0.71

01:26:39.000 He's a grown man. 0.82

01:26:42.000 I'm a grown man. 1.00

01:26:43.000 His dick is in my face. 1.00

01:26:44.000 I mean, he's just so different than me. 1.00

01:26:47.000 That's a great quote, by the way.

01:26:50.000 I'm standing next to him and we do a countdown.

01:26:52.000 It's hilarious because it's me.

01:26:54.000 I was like, Shaq, count them down.

01:26:56.000 He goes, three, two, one, go!

01:27:00.000 The people go and do their style.

01:27:01.000 It was really cool because he liked the show.

01:27:03.000 It was fun having him co-host with me for a day. 0.96

01:27:06.000 But it's just so ridiculous. 0.96

01:27:08.000 I'm like a little child standing next to this giant. 0.97

01:27:10.000 Super nice guy, though, by the way.

01:27:12.000 Jonathan Ogden, offensive tackle, 6'8", like 340 he played at.

01:27:17.000 And his hand, he just held two of my little fingers and was like, nice to meet you.

01:27:23.000 And just squeezed a couple fingers.

01:27:25.000 And I realized my hand couldn't even get around, even simulate a handshake.

01:27:30.000 And he also had a conversation with somebody as I was talking to him down here.

01:27:37.000 I was like, yeah, so it's cool to meet him.

01:27:38.000 He was like, yeah, man.

01:27:39.000 And I was like, I'm down.

01:27:41.000 I'm down.

01:27:41.000 I was like, hey, man.

01:27:42.000 Like a kid.

01:27:43.000 Like when your kid walks up to you and they're talking to you and you're talking to another adult.

01:27:47.000 And you're like, just hold on.

01:27:48.000 And you're talking to the adult and they're like, but daddy.

01:27:50.000 And you're like, just hold on.

01:27:51.000 And you just talk over them.

01:27:52.000 He did that to me like I was a child.

01:27:54.000 And then I just looked up at him and I was like, it's nice to meet you.

01:27:58.000 He like patted the top of my head.

01:28:01.000 Go about your business.

01:28:02.000 It was not like a human though. 1.00

01:28:04.000 It was like a fucking superhuman. 0.98

01:28:06.000 Yeah, it's amazing the variance, you know, how much people vary in height and size like that, but yet we're still in the same species. 0.99

01:28:15.000 Yeah.

01:28:15.000 But a guy like Shaquille O'Neal, it's such an extreme version of it.

01:28:19.000 Fucking huge. 0.93

01:28:21.000 It's a friendly guy, though. 0.99

01:28:22.000 Super, super nice guy, yeah.

01:28:23.000 Mike Goldberg did a whole season of Shaq Versus with him.

01:28:26.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:28:27.000 He did a bunch of different shit. 1.00

01:28:28.000 That was cool. 1.00

01:28:29.000 Box Oscar De La Hoya.

01:28:31.000 It was kind of funny.

01:28:32.000 He did a bunch of different things.

01:28:34.000 Do you know the comic Bruce Bruce?

01:28:36.000 Do you know him?

01:28:37.000 Yes.

01:28:37.000 He's a big dude.

01:28:38.000 Big, enormous guy.

01:28:39.000 Not that tall, but probably like 300 plus pounds.

01:28:42.000 Right.

01:28:42.000 I sat next to him...

01:28:44.000 On a flight.

01:28:45.000 Did I tell you this already?

01:28:46.000 No.

01:28:46.000 And I'd never met him before, and I recognized him.

01:28:49.000 So I was like, hey man, I'm a comic. 0.63

01:28:53.000 And he was like, oh yeah, he's super fucking nice.

01:28:56.000 And he's just this big, giant looking dude. 0.60

01:29:00.000 Can I guess where this story goes?

01:29:02.000 Where?

01:29:02.000 Sleep apnea.

01:29:03.000 No.

01:29:04.000 Okay.

01:29:05.000 No.

01:29:08.000 Ten minutes into the flight. 1.00

01:29:10.000 He's got braids and shit. 0.99

01:29:12.000 So we get delayed. 0.99

01:29:13.000 And first of all, we're flying L.A., Atlanta.

01:29:15.000 And then I'm going on to Lauderdale.

01:29:18.000 He lives in Atlanta, I guess.

01:29:21.000 So everybody that comes on the plane who's black says something to him.

01:29:25.000 And I'm like...

01:29:26.000 Do you, like, do you know these people?

01:29:28.000 He was like, nah, man, like, these people just, they're just fans.

01:29:31.000 And I was like, like, everybody on the plane has stopped.

01:29:34.000 And they tell us there's a delay.

01:29:35.000 You can get off the plane if you want.

01:29:38.000 And some girl walks by, and she's like, do you need something?

01:29:41.000 He's like, ah, I'd love, like, a candy bar.

01:29:44.000 And she's like, okay.

01:29:45.000 And I'm like, who's that?

01:29:46.000 He's like, I don't know.

01:29:47.000 So that lady's just buying you candy, man? 1.00

01:29:49.000 He's like, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

01:29:50.000 I was like, okay.

01:29:52.000 Whoa.

01:29:53.000 I can't tell you how sweet a guy he is.

01:29:55.000 The girl comes back, gives him candy, and I'm like, just, I love you.

01:29:59.000 And he's like, thank you, sweetie.

01:30:01.000 She goes back.

01:30:03.000 We take off.

01:30:03.000 We start talking comedy.

01:30:05.000 And he's like, I'm doing this tour with, you know, I'm touring with this person.

01:30:10.000 I'm doing shows with these people.

01:30:11.000 And I'm asking him, like, oh, what do you think of so-and-so?

01:30:13.000 And we're talking back and forth about people.

01:30:16.000 And he's like, I'm doing this show right now where I'm, you know, I'm doing some theaters with Mike Epps.

01:30:19.000 I'm opening, like, for him at these massive... 0.99

01:30:22.000 And I was like, Mike Epps is a funny fucking dude. 0.97

01:30:25.000 Like just a naturally funny guy. 1.00

01:30:27.000 Because we're just like talking shit. 0.99

01:30:28.000 He's like, oh, yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:30:29.000 I was like, you know, that guy just turned into any situation funny.

01:30:32.000 He's like, yeah, but ain't no fucking funnier than Andy Griffith.

01:30:36.000 And I was like, what? 0.93

01:30:37.000 Like, what'd you just say?

01:30:38.000 And he's like, Andy Griffith?

01:30:39.000 I was like, are you...

01:30:41.000 Not Eddie Griffin.

01:30:41.000 Right.

01:30:42.000 Are we talking about Andy, like the whistle shit? 1.00

01:30:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:46.000 He's like, oh man.

01:30:47.000 And I'm like, are you serious right now?

01:30:49.000 He's like, you ever been to the Andy Griffith Museum?

01:30:51.000 I'm like, what kind of question is that, man?

01:30:53.000 Like, what?

01:30:56.000 What kind of question is that?

01:30:57.000 And he's like, oh man, they got the car from the show.

01:31:02.000 You can sit in the car.

01:31:04.000 They have like a set.

01:31:06.000 Like with the kitchen.

01:31:07.000 They used to show the kitchen.

01:31:07.000 You can go there.

01:31:08.000 You get all the Andy Griffith shit you ever want. 0.99

01:31:10.000 I'm like... 0.99

01:31:11.000 Are we in the real world right now?

01:31:13.000 He loves Andy Griffith.

01:31:14.000 Man, I was like, I don't think I like anything as much as you like Andy Griffith.

01:31:18.000 He's like, I love Andy Griffith.

01:31:20.000 And I was like, clearly.

01:31:21.000 And he knew, he was like, I'm not exaggerating.

01:31:25.000 He was like, there was two black actors that ever appeared on the Andy Griffith show.

01:31:30.000 And I was like...

01:31:31.000 Wow.

01:31:31.000 He's like, one was February 8th, 1963. What?

01:31:35.000 By the role of Tony.

01:31:36.000 Are you saying the right date or are you just making up the date?

01:31:38.000 No, I'm making up the date, but he knew the date.

01:31:40.000 Let these people know.

01:31:40.000 All right, he knew the date.

01:31:41.000 They're going to fuck this up in Google. 0.61

01:31:43.000 He knew the exact date, and he knew the role and the episode.

01:31:46.000 And then he's like, and the other one...

01:31:47.000 It was April 19th, 1968. And that was when, remember when they couldn't find the mail?

01:31:52.000 I'm like, no, I have not seen these episodes. 0.99

01:31:54.000 What the fuck? 0.98

01:31:54.000 Remember when they couldn't find the mail? 0.98

01:31:56.000 I was like, I swear to God. 0.99

01:31:58.000 And I was like, holy shit. 1.00

01:31:59.000 He's like, Andy Griffith is a shit, man. 1.00

01:32:01.000 I was like, Andy Griffith, really? 1.00

01:32:02.000 Andy Griffith is a shit. 1.00

01:32:04.000 He fucking loves Andy Griffith, man. 1.00

01:32:06.000 Wow. 0.99

01:32:07.000 There's a lot of people that pay homage to the classics.

01:32:12.000 There's dudes who really get into old movies and TV shows.

01:32:18.000 I've met super fans of some things that you don't expect, but that, for me, was so out of left field.

01:32:24.000 I saw Carol Burnett the other day.

01:32:26.000 You did?

01:32:26.000 Yeah.

01:32:27.000 She looked good.

01:32:29.000 She looked good.

01:32:30.000 I'm telling you, man.

01:32:30.000 I mean, I think the lady is in her late 70s.

01:32:34.000 She looked very healthy.

01:32:36.000 Smiling, laughing, talking to people.

01:32:39.000 That show was great.

01:32:40.000 Yeah, it was a great show.

01:32:41.000 It was interesting.

01:32:42.000 We were talking about this the other day.

01:32:44.000 There was a big wave of woman-run shows back in the day where the woman was a star. 1.00

01:32:50.000 There was Laverne and Shirley.

01:32:52.000 There was Marilee Tyler Moore.

01:32:54.000 There was Rhoda.

01:32:55.000 There was Maud.

01:32:57.000 Remember Maud?

01:32:59.000 And then there's Maud.

01:33:00.000 And then there's Maud.

01:33:02.000 Right on, Maud.

01:33:03.000 You don't remember that?

01:33:04.000 That was a show.

01:33:06.000 That was like a big popular show.

01:33:08.000 And then there was the older lady who used to be a model who ran the newsroom. 1.00

01:33:13.000 What the fuck was that? 0.99

01:33:14.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:33:15.000 Boring ass. 1.00

01:33:15.000 Murphy Brown? 1.00

01:33:16.000 Murphy Brown, that boring ass hypnotic. 1.00

01:33:19.000 What did they do to get people to watch that show for all those years? 1.00

01:33:23.000 Yeah.

01:33:23.000 What kind of hypnotism program did they run?

01:33:26.000 Roseanne?

01:33:26.000 That was in the show.

01:33:27.000 95?

01:33:28.000 Yeah, there was a gang of them.

01:33:30.000 But I mean, the era of Carol Burnett was like, there was a lot of Lucille Ball.

01:33:35.000 There was a bunch of them.

01:33:36.000 There was a bunch of them.

01:33:37.000 Like, really strong women comedian presences. 0.68

01:33:41.000 It's like, that has changed quite a bit now.

01:33:43.000 Like, the role that women have on these, like, you know, you have girls like Chelsea who have their own show, you know, but it's like her personality. 1.00

01:33:51.000 It's not like her being the head of a sitcom.

01:33:55.000 And then there's...

01:33:56.000 Whitney.

01:33:56.000 Whitney, who had a show that people didn't respond to that well, but then people said, well, it's going to be tweaked and they're going to figure it out.

01:34:03.000 Yeah.

01:34:03.000 But genuinely, people seem to like her.

01:34:06.000 She just has to find the right vehicle, right?

01:34:08.000 Right, right.

01:34:09.000 How many of them are there these days?

01:34:11.000 It's not like it used to be.

01:34:12.000 Yeah, especially, well, also where they need to, you know, where they're getting their shot, you know what I mean?

01:34:17.000 Like, you know, like, how many people are getting the opportunity to have their show, you know?

01:34:24.000 Yeah.

01:34:24.000 Because the talent, there's still talent, there's a bunch of talent out there, like, you know, there's definitely talented comics, female, male comics out there, but they have to get a shot to get their show.

01:34:34.000 That seemed to be like, that was in overdrive.

01:34:37.000 In that era that you're talking about.

01:34:39.000 Yeah.

01:34:39.000 Of women.

01:34:40.000 Yeah, of women, but also, I think, just comics, too.

01:34:43.000 There was an era of pushing the comic to get the show.

01:34:47.000 And here's the thing that's funny.

01:34:48.000 When you're like, how come not that many stand-up, let's say, have a show right now?

01:34:52.000 Right.

01:34:53.000 Where it's an extension of the comic?

01:34:56.000 You look back on that era, and all of those shows were hits.

01:35:00.000 Like, the stand-up where the comic was elite, a lot of those were hits, man.

01:35:04.000 Yeah, there was a few bombs, though.

01:35:06.000 I was there for a few.

01:35:08.000 I watched a few.

01:35:09.000 I was a part of a few.

01:35:10.000 I had my own sitcom pilot for NBC once.

01:35:15.000 Yeah, it was called Overseas.

01:35:17.000 I don't even think it ever aired anywhere, even as a pilot.

01:35:21.000 You shot the pilot?

01:35:21.000 Yeah, it was a super expensive pilot.

01:35:24.000 But the thing about those development deals they try to do with stand-ups is that they would just throw a bunch of money at a comic and then get a bunch of writers that supposedly had some success on other shows and throw as much shit against the wall and see how much of it sticks.

01:35:44.000 And I think that it's... 0.97

01:35:48.000 It's real hard for you to take the one thing that you're fucking awesome at, which is stand-up.

01:35:54.000 The one thing that you can completely express yourself, you're uncensored, you're producing it, you're directing it, nobody's interfering with your vision of how the joke should play out.

01:36:05.000 And there's a big difference between that and being on a sitcom set.

01:36:08.000 And that difference is...

01:36:13.000 It's really fun being on a good sitcom.

01:36:15.000 It's terrible being on a bad sitcom.

01:36:17.000 It's terrible.

01:36:18.000 And it's not as much fun and rewarding as doing stand-up.

01:36:25.000 It's just not.

01:36:26.000 For me, at least.

01:36:28.000 It's fun doing a cool sitcom, but if I had a choice between watching the best sitcom ever or watching Richard Pryor do stand-up, I want to watch Richard Pryor.

01:36:36.000 That's the best stuff.

01:36:37.000 The best stuff is stand-up. 0.97

01:36:39.000 So it's like you do shit that's not as good as the best stuff, and it's just because they're paying you to do it. 0.97

01:36:43.000 That was how I was feeling about it. 0.98

01:36:45.000 And that thing that you don't really love to do and that they're paying you to do takes all day.

01:36:50.000 And then you don't have as much energy or time left over for the thing that you do love to do.

01:36:55.000 I can see that.

01:36:56.000 So the only reason why you should do it is to get exposure for your stand-up.

01:36:59.000 Yeah, which I hear, like, I mean, some of the comics that really like doing comedy, doing stand-up, that's, you know, generally what you hear them say is, like, it's just going to drive more people to see my show.

01:37:09.000 Yeah, that's how it should be.

01:37:10.000 That's how it should be, man.

01:37:11.000 That's how it should be.

01:37:13.000 The art of stand-up comedy didn't get any respect for a while in the 80s, I think, as an end destination.

01:37:19.000 Because everybody was like, you've got to get a sitcom.

01:37:21.000 You've got to get a sitcom.

01:37:22.000 That's what Jerry Seinfeld did.

01:37:23.000 When did you do your pilot in terms of your career?

01:37:27.000 I did it in the middle of news radio.

01:37:29.000 Oh, in the middle of that?

01:37:29.000 While I was doing news radio.

01:37:30.000 Yeah, because it was the same producer. 0.98

01:37:32.000 See, and that show spoiled the shit out of me, man. 0.91

01:37:36.000 Because they were so good. 0.97

01:37:38.000 The writers were so good. 0.80

01:37:39.000 And they were crazy. 1.00

01:37:40.000 They were so nuts. 0.99

01:37:42.000 They wouldn't even start a script until like 2 o'clock in the morning sometimes. 0.94

01:37:44.000 And they would show up and it would be like tape day.

01:37:48.000 Or rather, rehearsal day.

01:37:51.000 And we would get like the first 30 pages.

01:37:53.000 Or the first 5 pages or whatever it was.

01:37:56.000 We're going to give you the rest later.

01:37:58.000 And then scene two would come down at noon and they would shuffle down barefoot and slap it down.

01:38:03.000 They would go back. 1.00

01:38:04.000 And they would get to this state of sleep deprivation and come up with this really silly shit. 0.99

01:38:09.000 And I suspect it was because nobody had informed them about the benefits of weed. 0.99

01:38:14.000 Really?

01:38:15.000 I think if those guys were stoners, they weren't stoners.

01:38:18.000 If those guys were stoners, what they did sober was brilliant.

01:38:23.000 If those guys were high... 1.00

01:38:25.000 They could have come up with the most silly and ridiculous show in the history of the universe. 0.98

01:38:28.000 How many seasons was that show on for? 0.99

01:38:30.000 Five seasons.

01:38:31.000 Five?

01:38:31.000 Yeah.

01:38:32.000 I thought it was longer even.

01:38:33.000 No, it was just too short of syndication, like the normal syndication length.

01:38:38.000 Oh, man.

01:38:38.000 It is in syndication.

01:38:39.000 Oh, it is in syndication, yeah.

01:38:39.000 But it's two episodes short.

01:38:41.000 We only did 98 instead of 100. You're supposed to have 100 so that they can sell it.

01:38:46.000 Yeah.

01:38:46.000 But it didn't become popular until after it was canceled.

01:38:49.000 Really?

01:38:49.000 Yeah, it became popular when it would air on TV during regular TV time, like 7 o'clock and 8 o'clock and late night and shit like that when it was syndicated.

01:38:56.000 And then people were like, this show's kind of fucking funny. 0.91

01:38:59.000 It just got monkeyed around back then, man. 0.99

01:39:01.000 Back in the day when news radio was out, nobody knew where the fuck you were. 0.99

01:39:04.000 If they moved you from Monday to Wednesday, you're done, kid. 0.99

01:39:08.000 Nobody knows.

01:39:09.000 The other thing, more to your point about when you're just in charge of your stand-up, it shows, man, you're talking about so many people are giving their input.

01:39:19.000 The executives, the producers, the writers, it's so many people.

01:39:23.000 We should really do this.

01:39:25.000 We should really lose that.

01:39:26.000 Well, I don't like it when you come out that way.

01:39:28.000 I don't like it when you do that.

01:39:30.000 I don't like it when you...

01:39:32.000 Oh, stop.

01:39:33.000 Please.

01:39:34.000 I don't care.

01:39:35.000 We can only do this one way.

01:39:37.000 And the only way I'm going to get advice is from funny people.

01:39:40.000 I can't get advice from someone who's a business person.

01:39:42.000 It's like, I just got to tell you that I think that I'm approaching it this way.

01:39:46.000 When they give you a comedy note, that's just like...

01:39:48.000 I had a conversation with a guy who was talking about a podcast.

01:39:51.000 He goes, you guys have really nailed down your brand.

01:39:55.000 And I'm like, ew!

01:39:57.000 Ew! 0.99

01:39:58.000 You're gross! 0.98

01:40:00.000 That's the last thing we've done. 0.99

01:40:03.000 Nailed down our brand.

01:40:05.000 Ew! 0.98

01:40:06.000 He's like, you know, I go, what do you mean by that?

01:40:09.000 It's like, well, you know, people know what kind of, you know, what you're putting out there.

01:40:13.000 It's like, you know, you've really, like, well-defined your brand.

01:40:18.000 Ew! 0.98

01:40:19.000 Why my brand?

01:40:21.000 What is that? 1.00

01:40:22.000 What the fuck are you talking about, you silly bitch? 1.00

01:40:24.000 It's like showbiz talk. 1.00

01:40:26.000 Well, we're trying to, right now, we're working on his development deal, but we just don't want to sign with anyone.

01:40:32.000 We really want to work on developing his brand.

01:40:35.000 Yeah.

01:40:36.000 Can you get my brand? 1.00

01:40:37.000 Are you a bottle of ketchup, you fuck? 1.00

01:40:39.000 Define who I am. 1.00

01:40:40.000 Why do you need a brand?

01:40:41.000 Who are you? 1.00

01:40:42.000 You silly bitch. 1.00

01:40:43.000 Yeah, it's so ridiculous. 1.00

01:40:44.000 If you're that defined, then you become immobile. 0.90

01:40:47.000 You become locked into an Emo Phillips-type character.

01:40:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:40:50.000 Imagine going to see Emo Phillips and he tries to do straight stand-up. 1.00

01:40:53.000 You're like, hey, hey, fuckhead. 0.99

01:40:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:56.000 Why aren't you acting like you're poison? 0.91

01:40:57.000 Weird it up, man. 0.98

01:40:59.000 Weird it up. 1.00

01:40:59.000 Weird it up, shithead. 1.00

01:41:01.000 What's this you just standing there telling me about butter? 1.00

01:41:05.000 Get a move on. 1.00

01:41:06.000 I came to see your fucking funky act. 1.00

01:41:09.000 I love it, man. 0.99

01:41:10.000 Well, if you're not going to do it, where's Judy Tenuta? 1.00

01:41:13.000 I want to see your weird shit. 0.99

01:41:15.000 Yeah, I'm here to see your... 1.00

01:41:16.000 Did you ever notice?

01:41:19.000 How do you go from doing that to trying to do just regular stand-up? 0.99

01:41:22.000 I only give him shit because I know he tells his opening acts not to swear. 0.98

01:41:26.000 Oh, really? 0.99

01:41:27.000 Yeah, I've heard from dudes who...

01:41:29.000 I don't know exactly.

01:41:31.000 I wasn't really there. 0.98

01:41:32.000 They could have been a bunch of bitter twats. 0.99

01:41:34.000 Yeah. 0.85

01:41:35.000 But I don't remember who it was.

01:41:37.000 They said he got harassed for being too dirty and opening for him. 0.99

01:41:41.000 Man, that sucks. 0.99

01:41:43.000 It might have been Hefron. 0.99

01:41:44.000 Yeah.

01:41:44.000 God, I wish I remembered who it was.

01:41:46.000 What happened to Hefron?

01:41:47.000 Gotta get him back in here, man. 1.00

01:41:49.000 I've had it said passive-aggressively before to me, you know, opening for somebody like, you say fuck a lot, huh? 1.00

01:41:54.000 And you're like, do I? And they're like, oh, no, no, no, it's not a thing. 0.99

01:41:57.000 And you're like, you just made it a thing because you just hinted that it was a thing.

01:42:01.000 In Boston, they used to always decide, like headliners would decide who would hope for them. 0.99

01:42:07.000 And they would get them out of here, breaks the fuck meter. 0.99

01:42:11.000 That was like the big thing. 0.99

01:42:12.000 They didn't want to go after anybody dirty.

01:42:14.000 Because if you wanted to have any sort of shock value to your comedy whatsoever, that just means your comedy's not that good.

01:42:22.000 That's how I always felt.

01:42:23.000 The best guys can go on after anybody.

01:42:25.000 It doesn't matter.

01:42:27.000 Especially when people know who they are.

01:42:31.000 I got a chance to see Hedberg a bunch of times.

01:42:34.000 And I saw Hedberg in front of people who were fans.

01:42:36.000 And I got to see a Hedberg in front of people who had no idea who he was.

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 12, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #264 - Tom Segura (Part 1)

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript