The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #268 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

00:00:02.000 What?

00:00:03.000 What are you going to say?

00:00:04.000 I'm not telling you that Vitor is going to beat Jon Jones, but something.

00:00:09.000 Something's going to happen?

00:00:11.000 Something.

00:00:12.000 You think?

00:00:13.000 If anybody could do it, dog. 1.00

00:00:15.000 Vito's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:00:16.000 Vito's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:00:16.000 He's been around a long time, man. 1.00

00:00:17.000 He got kicked in the face, and he's had a couple down, but everybody loses to Anderson Silva.

00:00:21.000 So I ain't ashamed of that, but I was thinking about it.

00:00:24.000 The other day, and I watched the countdown, and I watched the interview, and I'm like, you know what? 0.99

00:00:27.000 I'm not saying he's going to beat Jon Jones, but experience is a motherfucker. 1.00

00:00:33.000 It is a motherfucker. 1.00

00:00:34.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Onnit.com. 0.99

00:00:37.000 If you go to O-N-N-I-T, get yourself some Alphabrain.

00:00:41.000 You going to give me some music?

00:00:45.000 What is AlphaBrain, Joe?

00:00:47.000 AlphaBrain is a cognitive-enhancing supplement. 1.00

00:00:50.000 It's fucking vitamins for your dome, son. 1.00

00:00:53.000 We have all sorts of other shit on it. 1.00

00:00:55.000 All of it is the best high-end nutritional supplements we can sell. 0.98

00:01:00.000 The best stuff we can sell.

00:01:01.000 At the best prices we can afford.

00:01:03.000 With the best setup.

00:01:05.000 Order the first 30 pills.

00:01:07.000 You have a 100% money-back guarantee.

00:01:09.000 You don't even have to return the product if you don't like it. 0.99

00:01:12.000 That's how confident we are that we're selling you good shit and that you're going to want to keep buying it. 0.98

00:01:16.000 Nutrition is the most important thing. 1.00

00:01:18.000 Before supplements, get your fucking nutrition straight, son. 0.99

00:01:20.000 Don't try to be eating cheeseburgers and take Alpha Brain and think it's all going to balance itself out. 0.99

00:01:24.000 If you want to be healthy, you've got to eat healthy food.

00:01:26.000 That's number one. 1.00

00:01:28.000 Number two, get your fucking body in order, son. 1.00

00:01:30.000 Just drop a little body fat. 1.00

00:01:32.000 Drop your resting heart rate.

00:01:34.000 You've got to be in shape a little bit, at least a little. 0.99

00:01:37.000 And then start fucking around with vitamins. 1.00

00:01:40.000 Get off your ass, you dirty bitch. 1.00

00:01:41.000 Go to Onnit.com. 1.00

00:01:42.000 Get yourself some kettlebells. 1.00

00:01:43.000 Be all manly as fuck. 1.00

00:01:45.000 Right, Joe Diaz? 1.00

00:01:46.000 Some battle ropes. 1.00

00:01:47.000 Some hemp protein powder, you fucking freak bitches. 1.00

00:01:51.000 I didn't get the hemp yet. 1.00

00:01:52.000 Is it good?

00:01:52.000 Oh, it's delicious.

00:01:54.000 It's the best tasty stuff ever.

00:01:55.000 Well, it's flavored with stevia, so there's no sugar in it.

00:01:57.000 It's like only one gram of sugar.

00:01:59.000 It's raw cocoa.

00:02:02.000 It's maca, which is like something that's supposed to enhance your sexuality.

00:02:07.000 It's supposed to fire you up.

00:02:08.000 I don't know if it works.

00:02:10.000 And then there's the Stevia.

00:02:13.000 The Stevia is used as the sweetener for the hemp.

00:02:16.000 Yeah, chocolate.

00:02:18.000 And it's the finest quality hemp hearts available. 1.00

00:02:21.000 We just went and got the best shit. 0.99

00:02:22.000 We can only buy 50 pounds of it a day. 1.00

00:02:24.000 It's kind of crazy.

00:02:25.000 We can't grow it in America.

00:02:27.000 You can't get high on it.

00:02:29.000 You can't test positive.

00:02:30.000 Like people say, what if I get tested for work?

00:02:32.000 You cannot test positive.

00:02:33.000 But, oddly enough, if you eat poppy seed bagels, you do test positive for heroin.

00:02:38.000 It's kind of crazy.

00:02:39.000 In the halfway house, they tell you that.

00:02:41.000 Yeah, you cannot eat poppy seed bagels, but you can take hemp protein powder.

00:02:45.000 There's no THC in it.

00:02:47.000 But it's illegal to grow anyway. 1.00

00:02:48.000 It's our government's way of fucking you in the ass if you're a farmer. 1.00

00:02:51.000 It's a great crop and we have to buy it from Canadians. 1.00

00:02:54.000 It's fucking ridiculous. 1.00

00:02:56.000 It has nothing to do with marijuana. 1.00

00:02:57.000 It's completely non-psychoactive.

00:03:00.000 You eat it.

00:03:01.000 It's healthy.

00:03:02.000 It's got a lot of protein in it.

00:03:04.000 It contains the essential amino acids.

00:03:06.000 It's a great fiber for making clothes with.

00:03:09.000 You can go on and on and on about the benefits of industrial hemp.

00:03:12.000 Hemp as a commodity. 0.99

00:03:14.000 But there's some creepy shit going on that that's illegal. 0.99

00:03:17.000 Because it makes no sense. 0.98

00:03:19.000 It doesn't have anything to do, even a little bit, has nothing to do with getting high. 0.99

00:03:24.000 It's a really fucking creepy racket. 1.00

00:03:27.000 But it's one that this government is all caught up in, you fucks. 1.00

00:03:31.000 Anyway, go to onnit.com. 0.99

00:03:33.000 Go to deskwad.tv, pick up...

00:03:35.000 Some delicious cat t-shirts at deskwatt.tv. 1.00

00:03:39.000 There's the new one, the dope ass, what I call the hypno cat, because I believe he's hypnotizing me when I stare at that little creepy fuck. 1.00

00:03:46.000 He is. 1.00

00:03:47.000 It's a very creepy cat.

00:03:48.000 I love that cat.

00:03:49.000 His chaplain's stash has been removed, and now it's a penthouse keyhole, so if you have a penthouse key, you can open it.

00:03:55.000 Oh, really?

00:03:55.000 Is that what it is?

00:03:56.000 Well, his hypno ring in the center freaks me the fuck out. 0.98

00:04:01.000 That's a creepy cat. 0.96

00:04:02.000 How high were you when you came up with that one?

00:04:05.000 Pretty high.

00:04:06.000 Pretty high, right?

00:04:07.000 You'd have to be.

00:04:08.000 Anyway, deskquad.tv.

00:04:09.000 Go check it out.

00:04:10.000 And that's it.

00:04:11.000 Joe Diaz is here, ladies and gentlemen.

00:04:13.000 Billy Corbin canceled on us.

00:04:16.000 The Mad Flavor represents the Joe Rogan experience.

00:04:21.000 Train by day.

00:04:22.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night.

00:04:24.000 All day.

00:04:28.000 What's up, beautiful?

00:04:28.000 Hey, we had a good podcast with Mac Danzig, and we were waiting for Billy Corbin, who's the director of Cocaine Cowboys.

00:04:34.000 And then I looked down at my phone, and he had been telling me that he had to cancel.

00:04:37.000 So you were close by. 0.99

00:04:39.000 He said, fuck it, let's drop in anyway. 1.00

00:04:41.000 Bummed out that he had to cancel. 0.99

00:04:42.000 I was on the 5, getting on the 134 when he called the first time.

00:04:45.000 And I just got in the right-hand lane, right?

00:04:47.000 And I just did 65 like the rest of the civilians.

00:04:50.000 When you called back, I was on Forest Lawn. 0.98

00:04:53.000 And I fucking kicked that into that HOV lane. 0.97

00:04:55.000 I had the Sons of Anarchy behind me. 0.99

00:04:57.000 I had this black biker behind me.

00:04:59.000 So I knew if the cops were going to pull anybody, he was going down first.

00:05:01.000 He was my beard. 1.00

00:05:03.000 I got in front of him in the HOV lane, and I just shot that motherfucker hellbent for all the way until you called me and said, nah. 1.00

00:05:10.000 And I said, hold on. 0.99

00:05:11.000 I'm back in the HOV lane.

00:05:13.000 And I went two cars, and there was an unmarked police car in the right-hand lane.

00:05:17.000 He didn't even see me.

00:05:18.000 I just slipped right back behind him, and I took my time after that.

00:05:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:21.000 I just stayed at 65 like a fucking savage. 1.00

00:05:24.000 Yeah, that's like a thing that we do out here. 0.99

00:05:26.000 You roll the dice in the HOV lane for a little bit.

00:05:29.000 400 bucks?

00:05:30.000 Is this what it is?

00:05:31.000 460. And if you cross the line...

00:05:32.000 And is it a license point?

00:05:33.000 Like, when I go for it, I go for the 920 package.

00:05:37.000 I go for the $920 package.

00:05:39.000 That's, you go over the line and you, because you can only cut into HOV where the lines say you're permitted.

00:05:45.000 Right.

00:05:45.000 So I do the $960 package, which $920 in court, altogether court costs.

00:05:51.000 You got to drop $100 for the victim compensation fund, another $100 from the deaf kids from Chinese society. 0.98

00:05:57.000 You're going to run into about $1,600 a fucking day. 0.99

00:05:59.000 What is it about minivans in fucking Southern California that makes them think they should be in the left lane? 1.00

00:06:04.000 It kills you. 1.00

00:06:05.000 It's ridiculous. 0.85

00:06:06.000 Anywhere in this great country of ours, when you drive and there's somebody doing 65 in the left-hand lane, they get out of your way. 0.75

00:06:11.000 They get out of your way. 0.99

00:06:12.000 Only in California they'll sit there and fucking torment you. 1.00

00:06:15.000 And they'll give you the finger. 0.99

00:06:16.000 Like, they don't think that they should have to move.

00:06:18.000 It's something that never made it out here.

00:06:20.000 Back where I grew up, the highways were more narrow.

00:06:23.000 Like, there was a lot of two-lane highways.

00:06:25.000 So it was just good citizenship, you know, getting out of the lane.

00:06:30.000 There was only two lanes.

00:06:31.000 So if you're in the left lane, you're trying to go fast.

00:06:32.000 If you're in the right lane, you're going slow.

00:06:34.000 But these douchebags have this wealth of lanes. 1.00

00:06:37.000 You know, they have six, seven, eight lanes. 0.98

00:06:39.000 Like, You can go around me.

00:06:41.000 Why don't you just go around me? 0.99

00:06:42.000 Why don't you just not be in the fast lane, you twat? 0.96

00:06:46.000 You're going 60 miles an hour in a minivan, and you're mad that people don't want you in their way. 1.00

00:06:52.000 That's ridiculous.

00:06:53.000 You don't have to be in the left lane. 1.00

00:06:55.000 That's for passing people, you stupid fuck. 1.00

00:06:57.000 And the worst is like when I go up north. 1.00

00:07:00.000 Like when you go up north in the 101, after you pass a certain, it's beautiful.

00:07:04.000 It opens right the fuck up.

00:07:05.000 It's beautiful driving. 0.99

00:07:06.000 And here you are doing fucking 80. You're on cruise. 0.99

00:07:09.000 You got the Eagles Hotel California on.

00:07:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:07:12.000 And you get behind a fucking 750. That's doing 65. And that's when I really start to burn. 0.99

00:07:17.000 I'm thinking to myself, for starters, he's a Jew driving a German car. 1.00

00:07:20.000 How confused is this cocksucker? 1.00

00:07:22.000 This cocksucker. 1.00

00:07:23.000 This motherfucker's got no loyalty to his people. 1.00

00:07:25.000 Right? 1.00

00:07:25.000 That's number one. 1.00

00:07:26.000 Number two.

00:07:27.000 Number two, he's doing 65. If I got a 7 car, it's because the only reason I would buy a 7 Series is if when a cop pulls me over, I could rip the ticket in his face.

00:07:36.000 I call my attorney.

00:07:37.000 That's the only way I would drive a 7 if I could do 90 all the time, Joe.

00:07:41.000 If not, I don't see the beauty in it.

00:07:43.000 I don't see it.

00:07:44.000 Unless you're going to do 90, then it's okay to get a 7. You mean like a 7 Series BMW? 753?

00:07:48.000 A 5? 1.00

00:07:49.000 If you've got a 3, you should shoot yourself. 1.00

00:07:51.000 That's a Toyota fucking Corolla. 1.00

00:07:52.000 You just paid more. 1.00

00:07:53.000 You wanted to impress people.

00:07:55.000 You know, that's your deuce right there.

00:07:56.000 You're talking about this 3 Series BMW? I have an M3. No, but you have an M3. It's a big fucking difference.

00:08:03.000 It's a beautiful car. 0.98

00:08:04.000 I love that car.

00:08:05.000 But the people that get the 3 holding on to I'm famous type things.

00:08:08.000 Great cars.

00:08:09.000 Joey, Eddie has a 3. I understand.

00:08:11.000 That fucking thing drives brilliantly. 0.99

00:08:12.000 But there's some people who can't afford the 3 that get it. 0.99

00:08:15.000 Oh, I see what you're saying. 1.00

00:08:16.000 And basically it's a fucking Lexus fucking RX. Well, they have a smaller one than that. 0.99

00:08:19.000 They have an I. They have a tiny one. 0.96

00:08:21.000 They have an IM. It's this like tiny little buzz mobile, but it looks like a fucking hell of a lot of fun. 0.94

00:08:26.000 You were just showing me that Porsche.

00:08:28.000 How much does that Porsche grow?

00:08:30.000 Wholesale?

00:08:30.000 Retail?

00:08:31.000 100?

00:08:32.000 He's got a 991, which is the newest generation.

00:08:35.000 It's more than 100. That's a Carrera, so you might be able to get that one for less than 100. It's not the Carrera-esque.

00:08:40.000 You pull me on with that car, and I'm like, yes, officer.

00:08:42.000 Do you know how fast you were doing?

00:08:44.000 It doesn't matter, because this is how I do it.

00:08:48.000 What license?

00:08:49.000 I don't have it.

00:08:49.000 Give me the ticket.

00:08:50.000 You rip it up.

00:08:51.000 You give it to him. 1.00

00:08:51.000 You give him the name of your fucking attorney. 1.00

00:08:53.000 He's got a yarmulke on it with a star going through it. 1.00

00:08:55.000 There you go.

00:08:56.000 Call him in 10 minutes.

00:08:57.000 He'll tell you what you need to do.

00:08:58.000 A shooting star coming out of his yarmulke. 1.00

00:09:00.000 A picture of Jesus bleeding on the floor and shit here. 1.00

00:09:03.000 Remember that. 1.00

00:09:04.000 All right, cocksucker. 1.00

00:09:04.000 Take this. 1.00

00:09:05.000 Take this, cocksucker. 1.00

00:09:07.000 You're going to pull me off with doing 90. I'm in Northern California. 1.00

00:09:10.000 You know, when you get up here, it's beautiful to drive.

00:09:12.000 You know, 6 in the morning, do your thing.

00:09:15.000 Yeah, but that area is filled with cops waiting in the bag.

00:09:17.000 Waiting for you.

00:09:18.000 I've seen it.

00:09:18.000 I got pulled over one night on the 130. Because there's parts when you're coming from the 101 north where it becomes hilly.

00:09:24.000 And you get caught up on those motherfucking hills late night. 0.98

00:09:27.000 You got the music on. 0.99

00:09:28.000 You listen to the radio, whatever.

00:09:30.000 You're on the phone with your buddies.

00:09:31.000 When you go over that hill, look at your speedometer.

00:09:34.000 Yeah.

00:09:34.000 You're doing 90. Yeah.

00:09:35.000 By mistake.

00:09:36.000 You're doing 90. They come right behind you.

00:09:39.000 Yeah, there's a lot of spots where they wait.

00:09:41.000 Yeah, they wait. 0.98

00:09:41.000 The ride to San Francisco is fucking parking ticket central or driving, speeding ticket central. 0.98

00:09:47.000 You got to really stick to the law. 0.98

00:09:50.000 Around LA, that's the one leniency we have.

00:09:52.000 There's not that many cops.

00:09:53.000 I'm going to tell you what was ticket city.

00:09:56.000 Boulder.

00:09:57.000 Really?

00:09:58.000 Them commie cops. 1.00

00:09:59.000 Them fucking hippie-loving cocksuckers. 1.00

00:10:01.000 Now, the cops in Boulder had this thing, and they were telling me the statistic once. 1.00

00:10:07.000 It was like one of the highest on the national average.

00:10:10.000 This is in the 80s.

00:10:11.000 But on that one, Iris.

00:10:13.000 Iris takes you into Longmont.

00:10:15.000 On Iris, in between 28th and 30th Street, they would nail more people.

00:10:21.000 It was like a national.

00:10:22.000 They'd just sit there by the mental health center, and they'd get you on that 20 with the blinking light 35, because if you ain't used to that, you don't know what's cracking.

00:10:30.000 So you don't even see that 35. You're doing 35, all of a sudden you see 20. Bam!

00:10:35.000 That's how they get you.

00:10:36.000 Right there.

00:10:36.000 Boom.

00:10:37.000 I got nailed on that 3520. That's really crazy.

00:10:40.000 When I went to court, they told me at court, they're like, oh, you fell for the fucking... 0.99

00:10:43.000 They have a name for it in Boulder at the time. 0.98

00:10:45.000 The alley.

00:10:47.000 That's where they just...

00:10:48.000 So it's a setup.

00:10:49.000 It's a setup.

00:10:49.000 It's almost like the transition is so quick, it's designed just to give you a ticket.

00:10:55.000 And there's somewhere else I just was at where they said, be careful, because the transition...

00:11:00.000 Nashville. 1.00

00:11:01.000 When you're going from Nashville to Chattanooga, we were talking one day, and they go, dog, they kill motherfuckers there. 1.00

00:11:07.000 Really? 0.99

00:11:07.000 Because it goes from 75 to 60 within a minute, and you don't see it, and the cops, it's right there. 0.99

00:11:13.000 Hey man, you gotta get revenue for the state sometimes. 0.86

00:11:16.000 Yeah, well there's much more of a police state in other places than there is here when it comes to that, when it comes to speeding and shit like that. 0.92

00:11:23.000 Like I remember in Connecticut, like Connecticut state troopers were brutal.

00:11:27.000 Because all they had to do, every day they're just pulling people over.

00:11:30.000 That's what they're looking for.

00:11:31.000 That's their number one crime.

00:11:33.000 They're just trying to pull people over and write them tickets as much as possible.

00:11:36.000 They become glorified revenue collectors.

00:11:38.000 Especially rich white people. 1.00

00:11:40.000 In the rich areas, they don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:11:43.000 They just sit there. 0.99

00:11:44.000 It's crazy that cops actually have a quota that they have to make.

00:11:48.000 And it's been exposed.

00:11:50.000 They were offering...

00:11:53.000 It was in California.

00:11:54.000 There was something.

00:11:55.000 They were offering officers something more.

00:11:58.000 If they got more arrests, it was proven that if they got more tickets, they would get some benefit from it.

00:12:05.000 But...

00:12:06.000 You know, you're not allowed to do that, because what if nobody speeds at all, and you have to write 10 tickets a day?

00:12:12.000 But what if everybody's...

00:12:13.000 We're assuming that everyone's going to break the law, and if that's not the case, that you don't have a job?

00:12:20.000 Because that's your job, basically, every day.

00:12:21.000 You're going out there, and you're parking, you're waiting for people to go by and speed.

00:12:25.000 Well, if nobody speeds anymore, everybody just quits, how do you make that 10-ticket-a-day quota?

00:12:31.000 Well, you don't. 0.96

00:12:32.000 Well, what the fuck happens then? 0.99

00:12:34.000 What happens then? 1.00

00:12:35.000 Do you pull over people for bullshit? 0.99

00:12:37.000 Do you fake tickets? 0.98

00:12:38.000 I mean, is it possible that we can get to a point where nobody's doing anything illegal anymore and we don't need traffic cops? 0.96

00:12:46.000 If that happens, the fuck are they going to do with all that? 0.94

00:12:48.000 They need that money. 0.99

00:12:49.000 They've got that built into the budget.

00:12:51.000 The amount of tickets they get, they build that into the budget.

00:12:54.000 They know it's coming in.

00:12:55.000 They know, well, we get, you know, 100 tickets a week, so we just hand those up.

00:12:59.000 That's $100,000 for this company.

00:13:01.000 LA is brutal.

00:13:02.000 It's crazy.

00:13:03.000 That's why when L.A., I see budgets.

00:13:04.000 They talk about how they're going to shut down the system for three days a week and four days a week that they're out of money.

00:13:10.000 I just go to Hollywood and look around.

00:13:13.000 That's a money-making machine in Hollywood. 1.00

00:13:16.000 They got those black chicks that are angry. 1.00

00:13:18.000 Angry sisters driving them ticket motherfucking cars. 1.00

00:13:21.000 Those are angry sisters. 1.00

00:13:23.000 The brother left her.

00:13:24.000 Left her with four kids.

00:13:25.000 She got rickets. 1.00

00:13:26.000 You know, shit like that. 1.00

00:13:27.000 I mean, these sisters are beautiful. 1.00

00:13:29.000 And they're driving around.

00:13:30.000 Dog, I had a car in Hollywood that was given to me.

00:13:33.000 And they never gave me the registration.

00:13:35.000 And the registration expired.

00:13:37.000 And they would hunt me down.

00:13:38.000 Did you know that?

00:13:39.000 Really?

00:13:40.000 They would just drive around and give me a ticket every day just on spite.

00:13:43.000 For the registration. 0.99

00:13:45.000 They make that motherfucking quote in LA. Let me tell you something. 0.99

00:13:47.000 LA, the biggest thing when you move to Hollywood is your first 90 days.

00:13:51.000 You get banged up.

00:13:52.000 I got Stanhope's car towed one night by mistake.

00:13:56.000 Really?

00:13:56.000 Parked it by on Sunset.

00:13:58.000 I mean, it's fucking ridiculous down there. 1.00

00:14:00.000 They will destroy you. 0.99

00:14:01.000 It feels like they kind of have to be on top of everything, though.

00:14:04.000 There's so many people there, and there's so many dirtbags.

00:14:06.000 Oh, my God.

00:14:08.000 They have to.

00:14:08.000 People living in Hollywood, like the percentage...

00:14:10.000 Look, there's a lot of nice people in Hollywood.

00:14:12.000 I know a lot of really normal people.

00:14:15.000 Folks would be surprised when you meet people who actually live in West Hollywood and have a little house in West Hollywood.

00:14:22.000 I met some really wonderful, nice people there. 0.99

00:14:25.000 But there's also a giant percentage of crazy fucks in that city. 1.00

00:14:30.000 There's a lot of them. 0.99

00:14:31.000 Young kids, they move here after college.

00:14:33.000 Their parents give them a credit card, go out there for whatever you do until the credit card's over.

00:14:38.000 We've seen it at the store.

00:14:39.000 How many people come and go?

00:14:41.000 We're just having this conversation this morning at breakfast.

00:14:43.000 How many people came out? 0.98

00:14:45.000 We had seven great minutes, went to Montreal, got a deal for a quarter of a mil in the fucking late 90s, 2000s, and once they fucking got down, they went to the improv, they got sandwiched in between Joe Rogan and Nick DiPaolo one night, and they realized how bad they really were, and they said, you know what, I'm gonna go back and run Daddy's fucking transmission shop. 0.94

00:15:06.000 Because the work, and I've seen it. 0.72

00:15:07.000 How many people came and went since you've been here?

00:15:09.000 People that were gonna be stars.

00:15:12.000 Yeah, there was a lot of that.

00:15:13.000 That's definitely happened.

00:15:14.000 I think it's easy to lose your way, lose your intention.

00:15:19.000 It's easy to just fucking get caught up in the fear of it all, the uncertainty of it all, and just get swept away in it.

00:15:30.000 That happens to a lot of people, man. 0.88

00:15:31.000 A lot of people, they just can't ever build any momentum up.

00:15:34.000 They can't ever build any success up.

00:15:36.000 They're always just slipping around.

00:15:37.000 They just can't get control.

00:15:41.000 And so then they just quit.

00:15:42.000 It's too much stress.

00:15:43.000 It's too much pressure.

00:15:45.000 Let me ask you this.

00:15:47.000 We've been here.

00:15:48.000 I've been here trying, swinging, you know?

00:15:49.000 Tripoli's been here swinging and trying, you know?

00:15:52.000 I mean, it's really weird that I just never seen just giving up.

00:15:55.000 I always felt like a lot of times I go to auditions and I see people that were at the store with me doing spots, not running the camera in an audition.

00:16:05.000 People that I knew as actors years ago are running cameras and commercial auditions.

00:16:09.000 And when I'm walking out, they'll chase me.

00:16:12.000 I'm like, how's it going?

00:16:13.000 Yeah, I started doing this.

00:16:14.000 I really want to direct commercials.

00:16:16.000 And as I'm getting in my car, I'm like, they never really knew what they wanted to do in the first place.

00:16:20.000 They didn't really want to sink their teeth. 0.99

00:16:22.000 If I came to you one day and said, you know, I'm going to become a fucking writer. 0.99

00:16:27.000 I'm going to become a director. 1.00

00:16:29.000 You're like, Joey, what the fuck? 0.99

00:16:30.000 Yeah, no, I don't think I would say that. 0.99

00:16:32.000 You know why?

00:16:33.000 Ron Howard.

00:16:34.000 No, no, no, no!

00:16:34.000 You don't understand what I'm trying to say to you, but there's a lot of people in the middle of the game, they change.

00:16:39.000 Ron Howard was an actor.

00:16:40.000 I've got, you know, a couple years in this.

00:16:42.000 It's not like you come in here. 0.99

00:16:43.000 And there's a lot of people that have gotten here and said, fuck it, I'm not going to do it. 0.99

00:16:46.000 I bump into stand-ups. 0.99

00:16:48.000 Where's Wild Willie Parsons?

00:16:49.000 Yeah.

00:16:50.000 Where's Judy Tenuta? 1.00

00:16:51.000 Where's a lot of these people that, you know, were working for a long time?

00:16:54.000 Judy Tenuta was huge. 1.00

00:16:55.000 Judy Tenuta is still working, by the way.

00:16:57.000 She still does a movie here or there, but I shouldn't have said Judy.

00:17:00.000 She just came to my mind.

00:17:01.000 You were just trying to come up with a name.

00:17:02.000 We were at the store for a lot of years.

00:17:04.000 You know, a lot of those guys.

00:17:05.000 You just don't...

00:17:06.000 In my book, you just never stop being a stand-up.

00:17:08.000 Yeah, I don't understand that either.

00:17:10.000 But I think for some people it's just the pressure of performing is different.

00:17:14.000 I think the pressure of performing for you and I is that we enjoy it because we know that we're putting in the work and we want to go up there and give you a good show.

00:17:24.000 We want to go up there and give you some fun.

00:17:25.000 It's fun for us.

00:17:26.000 It's fun for you.

00:17:27.000 It's fun for us.

00:17:27.000 We want to do it.

00:17:28.000 But for some folks, they just become more private.

00:17:30.000 They don't want to deal with the criticism.

00:17:32.000 They don't want to deal with the critiquing of their work.

00:17:34.000 They don't want to have the stress of it.

00:17:36.000 And they'd rather get a job, like, as a writer.

00:17:38.000 That happens to a lot of guys. 0.84

00:17:39.000 They just decide, you know what, the stand-up performing thing is just too fucking harsh.

00:17:44.000 You know, I would rather get a job as a writer.

00:17:46.000 It's easier.

00:17:47.000 It's more relaxing.

00:17:48.000 And then some of them come back and forth.

00:17:50.000 You know, the beauty of it is that if you really think about it, part of this job is the nucleus is the writing.

00:17:55.000 Yeah.

00:17:55.000 So they're not really straying.

00:17:57.000 No. 0.95

00:17:57.000 I'm talking about when somebody comes out and changes completely fucking different. 0.95

00:18:01.000 Right. 0.88

00:18:01.000 Like, I'm a producer now. 0.88

00:18:02.000 What? 1.00

00:18:03.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:18:04.000 Yeah, producer's the weird part. 0.99

00:18:06.000 The director kind of makes sense, right?

00:18:08.000 Because that's more of a creative, much more of a creative thing.

00:18:11.000 Or an editor or something along those lines.

00:18:13.000 But yeah, producer.

00:18:14.000 But maybe they don't like the performing part.

00:18:16.000 Maybe they don't like the artistic part, but they really love movies.

00:18:20.000 I don't know, man. 0.99

00:18:20.000 Everybody's got their own fucking path. 0.99

00:18:22.000 But for me, I think for you and I, there was only stand-up. 0.98

00:18:25.000 We weren't going to be anything else.

00:18:27.000 We were always going to be stand-ups.

00:18:28.000 And we know that, too.

00:18:30.000 When we run into someone, we'll know if a guy's real.

00:18:33.000 I'll call you about this guy.

00:18:34.000 I'll say, hey, man, have you seen blah, blah, blah? 0.99

00:18:36.000 Oh, he's fucking real. 0.99

00:18:37.000 That guy's real. 0.99

00:18:38.000 That guy's real.

00:18:39.000 Very funny guy.

00:18:40.000 And you know what I mean?

00:18:41.000 It's like there's a few...

00:18:42.000 There's not that many.

00:18:44.000 There's maybe a thousand professional comedians in this country.

00:18:48.000 If you really stop and think about it, people that make a living by telling jokes, is there even a thousand?

00:18:52.000 Let's be conservative and say there's a thousand.

00:18:55.000 And for those, how many of them are national touring headliners?

00:19:01.000 Is there like 300 maybe?

00:19:03.000 250?

00:19:04.000 300?

00:19:05.000 Something like that?

00:19:05.000 There's not that many people like that, man.

00:19:07.000 And it's because not everybody's supposed to do it.

00:19:10.000 The world doesn't need more than 300 good stand-up comedians. 1.00

00:19:14.000 Them enough is enough crazy assholes talking shit and making people laugh. 1.00

00:19:20.000 That's like plenty. 1.00

00:19:21.000 The vast majority of people will never be a professional stand-up comedian.

00:19:27.000 And they shouldn't be.

00:19:28.000 They have something else.

00:19:29.000 This is just a step on the way to them discovering themselves in some other way.

00:19:34.000 But for you and I, it was always...

00:19:37.000 You know, I was on news radio and one time the producer said to me, why are you doing this?

00:19:42.000 Why are you still doing stand-up?

00:19:43.000 You're an actor now.

00:19:45.000 And I was like, oh my god, I'm ready to quit right now. 0.98

00:19:48.000 I was like, are you crazy? 0.89

00:19:49.000 Like, you don't get it. 0.78

00:19:50.000 You know, you can't possibly understand how much different it is to be on a set repeating brilliant words that someone else wrote, you know, in front of a bunch of, you know, other folks who are doing the same thing, and you're doing it in front of an audience that has to see the same scene over and over again.

00:20:06.000 And then you get to watch it, and people enjoy it, and there's satisfaction to that.

00:20:09.000 But it can't fuck with stuff. 0.96

00:20:11.000 Stand-up? 1.00

00:20:12.000 My God, I can't fuck with stand-up. 0.99

00:20:14.000 The best quote I've heard in the last six months is by our boy Vinnie Curto. 0.99

00:20:18.000 What'd he say?

00:20:19.000 He goes, you know what?

00:20:21.000 Actors, they get a second chance.

00:20:23.000 They get cut.

00:20:24.000 Stand-ups? 1.00

00:20:26.000 There ain't no cut, motherfucker. 1.00

00:20:28.000 I mean, for Vinnie Curdle to say that, I got goosebumps. 1.00

00:20:31.000 My whole body goes, we were having coffee one day.

00:20:33.000 He's talking about comedic.

00:20:34.000 These guys are supposed to be comedic actors. 1.00

00:20:37.000 Get them in a fucking audition room. 1.00

00:20:38.000 They die. 1.00

00:20:39.000 The people just laugh as a courtesy.

00:20:42.000 Hey, who did I fight in 1964? 0.99

00:20:44.000 Because in mid-sentence, he'll forget who the fuck he's talking about. 0.99

00:20:47.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:20:48.000 And then he went right back to that beautiful statement.

00:20:51.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:20:52.000 And he goes, all I know is I've been in plenty of rooms with these comedic actors from television show, and once they hear cut, they're fucking in heaven.

00:20:59.000 Stand-ups, we don't hear cut. 1.00

00:21:01.000 I was like, damn, Vinnie Curdo dropped it like a bad motherfucker. 0.99

00:21:05.000 There's certainly an art to acting, no doubt about it. 0.99

00:21:08.000 Definitely.

00:21:09.000 But there's also the real thing about auditions is that's not normal.

00:21:15.000 You're pretending.

00:21:16.000 You're sitting down at a desk.

00:21:18.000 The guy's holding a piece of paper.

00:21:20.000 And you've got to pretend that this is a real scene.

00:21:23.000 You've got to pretend it's really happening.

00:21:24.000 I mean, you're pretending you're in a different environment.

00:21:26.000 You're pretending everything. 0.90

00:21:27.000 If you're in the movie, unless you're doing some crazy fucking CGI screen where everything behind you is a green screen, you're actually, like, in Brooklyn. 0.88

00:21:36.000 You're actually in front of the house. 0.97

00:21:37.000 You're actually pointing the fake gun at the guy. 0.99

00:21:39.000 I mean, there's a lot of shit going on that would lead you to be better prepared to pretend that you're actually in the scene than being in a conference room and there's some guy who's reading, like reading, like tell us where you put the money or you're going to be in big fucking trouble. 0.98

00:21:56.000 Like that's how the guy reads it to you. 0.98

00:21:57.000 And you're supposed to go, what money guy?

00:21:59.000 What money?

00:21:59.000 You're supposed to be real?

00:22:00.000 Come on. 0.99

00:22:01.000 It's like ridiculous. 1.00

00:22:02.000 It's so fake that if for you to be real in that audition, you almost have, you almost have to be fucking crazy. 1.00

00:22:09.000 For you to be real in that wacky ass audition room. 0.99

00:22:12.000 I mean, that's that dude is not wearing a Viking outfit. 0.98

00:22:15.000 How are you pretending you're on a boat?

00:22:16.000 You're just doing it.

00:22:17.000 You're just pretending. 1.00

00:22:18.000 It's some of the silliest shit ever. 0.99

00:22:20.000 They should take auditions that they filmed that were super silly and preposterous, especially for B-movies, where they got their cousins. 0.99

00:22:30.000 I know a dude who produced his own movie, and he brought all his friends in that don't act at all, and they all played parts.

00:22:38.000 That's how to do it.

00:22:39.000 That's probably the best movie you've ever seen in your life. 0.99

00:22:41.000 Because they don't know what the fuck's going on. 1.00

00:22:43.000 They don't know what the fuck's going on. 1.00

00:22:44.000 It's the guy that comes in and goes, me, me, me, me. 0.99

00:22:47.000 You know, oh my god.

00:22:49.000 I trained at Juilliard.

00:22:50.000 Yeah, it's like, what's his name?

00:22:52.000 What's the guy?

00:22:53.000 I trained Octo. 0.99

00:22:53.000 For the last month, Boogie Nights has been on HBO every fucking night. 0.99

00:22:57.000 Every night. 0.98

00:22:58.000 And you gotta watch the movie.

00:22:59.000 It's a great movie.

00:23:00.000 But who's the guy in that?

00:23:01.000 The crazy guy that tries to make out with Marky Wahlberg?

00:23:04.000 He's in a bunch of movies now.

00:23:05.000 Uh...

00:23:06.000 C. Reilly, not the guy from Step Brothers. 0.99

00:23:10.000 Yeah, damn it. 0.98

00:23:10.000 What is his name? 0.98

00:23:12.000 With the blonde hair, he's kind of chubby and shit. 0.99

00:23:14.000 He's got a bunch of those. 1.00

00:23:15.000 C. Nelson Reilly.

00:23:17.000 You can't have a cell, like Denzel and him, you can't have a cell phone on set.

00:23:22.000 You can't have a cell phone?

00:23:24.000 Well, that's smart, man.

00:23:25.000 Denzel, he has a cell phone.

00:23:27.000 Paul Thomas Anderson?

00:23:28.000 No, that's director.

00:23:29.000 If Denzel, he has a cell phone, he abandoned ships.

00:23:32.000 Really?

00:23:32.000 He cannot focus.

00:23:33.000 Well, you know, when everybody got mad at Batman, remember when he screamed at some guy for walking in front of a shot?

00:23:42.000 John C. Reilly?

00:23:43.000 John C. Reilly. 0.92

00:23:44.000 No, that's the crazy guy.

00:23:47.000 William H. Macy? 0.95

00:23:48.000 No, that's the guy that shot himself.

00:23:50.000 Nina Hartley?

00:23:51.000 No, no, no.

00:23:53.000 Where's Homeboy?

00:23:54.000 He played a camera guy, Boom.

00:23:56.000 But he's always, he tries to make out with him in 1980. Yeah.

00:24:00.000 He buys the Corvette. 1.00

00:24:01.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:24:03.000 Are you sure he's in Boogie Nights? 1.00

00:24:04.000 Yeah.

00:24:05.000 How is this possible?

00:24:06.000 Oh, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

00:24:08.000 Jesus Christ.

00:24:09.000 How do I not remember that guy's name?

00:24:11.000 I love that guy.

00:24:12.000 I'm a douche.

00:24:13.000 Bro, you know a movie he's really good in, dog? 0.98

00:24:15.000 He plays himself as like a dick in that movie with Jennifer Aniston, and he plays the kid's friend, like a washed-up actor that lives in New York, and he's the lead in... 0.73

00:24:24.000 And Jesus Christ Superstar, but he really... 0.98

00:24:27.000 I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:28.000 Have you seen that?

00:24:30.000 Jennifer Aniston. 0.99

00:24:31.000 It's on the plane and shit I watched at one time. 0.99

00:24:33.000 Terrible, but... 0.99

00:24:34.000 He's never bad in anything.

00:24:35.000 No, no, no.

00:24:36.000 The guy's amazing.

00:24:37.000 He's good. 0.99

00:24:37.000 Fucking boogie nights. 0.99

00:24:39.000 But last week they were saying that there was an award show in Venice, and he showed up with a stained shirt, and his hair was fucked up, and he had been on the couch, and... 0.99

00:24:49.000 It's amazing how those guys act because they don't want to act. 0.95

00:24:54.000 Let me tell you that I don't care, but I really care.

00:24:57.000 He was in The Big Lebowski, too. 1.00

00:24:58.000 Oh, fuck yeah, bro. 0.98

00:24:59.000 That dude's been in a bunch of things. 1.00

00:25:01.000 Really good shit. 0.99

00:25:02.000 He's the real deal. 1.00

00:25:03.000 There's a new movie.

00:25:03.000 They say he's really good.

00:25:05.000 There's a new movie.

00:25:05.000 He's good in everything.

00:25:06.000 He's going to win an award this year, they think.

00:25:08.000 The Master or something.

00:25:09.000 That looks like his other movie, too, though, doesn't it?

00:25:12.000 Where he played the president.

00:25:14.000 He convinces somebody or something crazy.

00:25:17.000 Played like the president?

00:25:18.000 Who did he play?

00:25:19.000 What movie was that?

00:25:20.000 It came out recently.

00:25:22.000 It wasn't the president.

00:25:24.000 It was somebody famous that he played.

00:25:27.000 But his new movie looks like that movie.

00:25:30.000 Well, he was in the Ides of March.

00:25:31.000 That was the most famous, I think, recent movie.

00:25:36.000 Are you sure you're not confusing him with somebody else?

00:25:39.000 I'll tell you.

00:25:41.000 What's his name again?

00:25:42.000 Philip Seymour Hoffman.

00:25:43.000 How dare you?

00:25:44.000 Jesus Christ.

00:25:45.000 He was in Moneyball.

00:25:47.000 He's got movies.

00:25:48.000 He's good in Moneyball.

00:25:50.000 That's right.

00:25:51.000 He's really good.

00:25:51.000 What's his newest movie?

00:25:53.000 The newest one is Elite Quartet.

00:25:56.000 No, under that.

00:25:57.000 The Master.

00:25:57.000 The Master is the one they say is badass.

00:25:59.000 Really?

00:26:00.000 It's kind of weird, but he's really good.

00:26:02.000 It's like he convinces somebody to join Scientology. 0.97

00:26:05.000 I don't fucking know. 1.00

00:26:05.000 He's a beast. 1.00

00:26:06.000 He's a great actor. 0.96

00:26:08.000 Capote.

00:26:09.000 He played Truman Capote.

00:26:11.000 Yeah, that's him.

00:26:11.000 That's what it is.

00:26:12.000 And those motherfuckers really do go under in their own sense. 1.00

00:26:15.000 You know, that's their strength. 1.00

00:26:16.000 They take it to the next limit like that. 1.00

00:26:18.000 To watch it, the only guy I've seen in a room that fucks it up in a room like that, I've seen two motherfuckers fucking up in a room. 0.99

00:26:25.000 Let me tell you who they are. 0.99

00:26:26.000 Who?

00:26:26.000 Christopher Walken.

00:26:27.000 But one of the baddest motherfuckers that was on his tail was Phil Hartman. 0.99

00:26:32.000 Oh yeah, he could audition. 1.00

00:26:34.000 He was such a professional.

00:26:35.000 Phil Hartman could light up a room by himself, dog.

00:26:38.000 That's a real gift.

00:26:39.000 Not too many... 0.99

00:26:40.000 When people clap on a scene, when you do a movie scene, and at the end when they go cut, and the motherfuckers are like... 0.99

00:26:46.000 Like, what the fuck did we just see? 0.99

00:26:51.000 You know, when they were saying when they did... 0.99

00:26:53.000 I went one day on the Adam Sandler when Christopher Walken was there. 0.99

00:26:57.000 But they were saying, when I got there the days earlier, that when that motherfucker does a scene, he locks you in on the set. 0.98

00:27:03.000 Like, on the set, the people were like... 0.99

00:27:05.000 Like, you have to look at the person to cut!

00:27:07.000 Cut! 1.00

00:27:08.000 Cut! 1.00

00:27:08.000 And they're like, oh, fuck! 1.00

00:27:10.000 That's how much he locks you in. 1.00

00:27:12.000 Like, he's the...

00:27:12.000 And, bro, when you watch that movie where he shoots himself, you know, Didi Mao in Deer Hunter, I was watching that about two months ago.

00:27:20.000 He was brilliant.

00:27:20.000 He locked me in.

00:27:21.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:27:21.000 He's playing the fucking guy that's... 1.00

00:27:23.000 That's all he was... 1.00

00:27:24.000 He was on heroin?

00:27:26.000 Whatever they were giving him in Vietnam.

00:27:29.000 And he was on a game because he made money by playing Russian roulette.

00:27:33.000 Jesus Christ.

00:27:34.000 How do you prepare for that character?

00:27:36.000 Do you want to tell me? 1.00

00:27:37.000 What acting teacher on Melrose to tell you about that shit? 1.00

00:27:42.000 Think about that motherfucker. 1.00

00:27:44.000 You know, he had to come up with that character from somewhere. 1.00

00:27:46.000 So there was motherfuckers walking around there saying, you know what? 1.00

00:27:49.000 Fuck my family. 1.00

00:27:50.000 I've already killed 50 fucking Donk Kongs. 1.00

00:27:52.000 Vietnam. 1.00

00:27:53.000 I killed everybody. 1.00

00:27:54.000 Russians, French. 1.00

00:27:55.000 I'm just going to practice killing myself now. 0.99

00:27:57.000 They put that band on.

00:27:58.000 They do a little bit of number two. 1.00

00:27:59.000 And that shit was pure over there. 0.99

00:28:01.000 It's like bouncing. 1.00

00:28:02.000 Did you see him in there?

00:28:03.000 Remember that What's-His-Name came to get him?

00:28:05.000 And he couldn't get through to them.

00:28:06.000 They were childhood friends.

00:28:07.000 He couldn't get through to him, bro.

00:28:09.000 Imagine how deep you are playing that... 1.00

00:28:11.000 That's a scary fucking thing. 0.99

00:28:13.000 Thinking that you're going to... 1.00

00:28:14.000 What are you doing tonight?

00:28:15.000 I'm going to go shoot pool.

00:28:16.000 I'm going to go over here.

00:28:16.000 I'm going to play Russian Roulette for a few hours.

00:28:18.000 I'll see you over at the fucking... 0.99

00:28:19.000 I'm on a tear, Joe Rubber. 1.00

00:28:20.000 How crazy are the Russians if they came up with that? 0.98

00:28:23.000 Is that who invented it? 0.72

00:28:24.000 I guess.

00:28:24.000 It's called Russian Roulette.

00:28:26.000 Brian, know anything about it?

00:28:27.000 I have no idea.

00:28:28.000 I mean, is that what it's...

00:28:29.000 That must be the invention of Russian Roulette, right?

00:28:33.000 Christopher Walken made a movie that's not a popular movie.

00:28:37.000 I mean, one of his best movies was the one where he takes the acid.

00:28:40.000 What movie was that?

00:28:41.000 With Natalie Wood.

00:28:42.000 Isn't there a movie where he does something?

00:28:44.000 Altered States.

00:28:45.000 Who's in that?

00:28:46.000 No, Altered States was...

00:28:48.000 John Hurt?

00:28:49.000 Yeah, William Hurt.

00:28:50.000 Julian Hurt.

00:28:51.000 William Hurt.

00:28:51.000 Yeah, William Hurt played the scientist.

00:28:53.000 But for me, one of the best times I've ever seen Christopher Walken is in a movie called At Close Range with Sean Penn.

00:28:59.000 He played the dad, right?

00:29:00.000 The dad.

00:29:01.000 He's very good in that. 0.99

00:29:02.000 Very fucking good in that. 0.99

00:29:04.000 Oh, he's so good. 0.97

00:29:04.000 And the movie, like the week before, they pulled the budget or something, so the movie never... 0.97

00:29:08.000 Madonna's got the soundtrack.

00:29:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:29:10.000 If I ran away...

00:29:11.000 That was a good movie.

00:29:12.000 Yes, that's a very good movie.

00:29:13.000 You haven't watched that?

00:29:14.000 People have been hitting me up for a good movie lately.

00:29:16.000 Watch At Close Range, 1985. That was a good movie.

00:29:20.000 You know who don't have lines in that movie?

00:29:22.000 You know who's in that movie that don't have lines?

00:29:23.000 Who was the star of 24?

00:29:28.000 Keith Sutherland and Crispin Grover.

00:29:31.000 He's in that movie.

00:29:32.000 Sean Penn's brother. 0.99

00:29:34.000 I mean, they're fucking phenomenal. 0.99

00:29:36.000 I get goosebumps thinking about it. 1.00

00:29:37.000 It was a good fucking movie, man. 0.99

00:29:38.000 I get goosebumps thinking about it when he tells Sean Penn, I'm not going to rob you no more. 0.99

00:29:44.000 And he's like, what are you going to do?

00:29:45.000 You got a girl.

00:29:46.000 You got rent.

00:29:47.000 You got a job.

00:29:48.000 What are you going to do?

00:29:49.000 What are you going to do when you get there? 1.00

00:29:50.000 Fuck you! 1.00

00:29:51.000 And they start getting it out and he buys a quarter ounce of weed from them and he shoots the girl and then at the end Sean Penn comes to his house with a 9mm And at the end, he goes, freeze, motherfucker. 1.00

00:30:01.000 Don't even... 1.00

00:30:02.000 Oh, my God!

00:30:03.000 Oh, my God!

00:30:05.000 I'm getting goosebumps just thinking I forgot all about that.

00:30:07.000 That's a great movie.

00:30:08.000 And here's the clinker.

00:30:10.000 I'm at Caroline's. 0.98

00:30:11.000 I'm doing the motherfucking Toyota Comedy Festival. 0.97

00:30:14.000 They put me up, you know, 1255. The show was, you know, it was nine people, but I made the festival. 0.97

00:30:20.000 But guess who stayed?

00:30:22.000 The assistant from The Sopranos, right?

00:30:24.000 So she comes up to me and she goes, are you busy tomorrow?

00:30:28.000 This is when the Sopranos first started. 0.99

00:30:30.000 I go, no.

00:30:31.000 And she goes, would you mind coming to my office at 11 o'clock?

00:30:34.000 Somebody wants to meet you.

00:30:36.000 This is a true story.

00:30:37.000 I go, what?

00:30:37.000 And she goes, she wrote the paper.

00:30:39.000 She goes, here's where you're going to go at 11 o'clock.

00:30:40.000 I was headed to Buffalo for $450 as a feature.

00:30:44.000 Okay?

00:30:45.000 And she goes, no, no, no, no, no.

00:30:46.000 You got to come to my office tomorrow.

00:30:49.000 So I go to this place, it's on 48th Street, it's up the block from Roger Paul's office, and I'm sitting out front, and a blonde, chubby lady, cute, like you could tell she was hot, and her youth gets out of her cab and sees me and goes, excuse me, are you an actor?

00:31:02.000 And I go, no, I'm a stand-up.

00:31:03.000 And she goes, do me a favor, go up to my office and leave your name and number. 1.00

00:31:07.000 And I go, what office?

00:31:08.000 She goes, whatever, Walken.

00:31:10.000 And I go, my 11 o'clock.

00:31:11.000 I'm your 11 o'clock.

00:31:12.000 And she goes, oh my God! 0.52

00:31:13.000 My assistant called me last night.

00:31:15.000 Come, come, forget the coffee.

00:31:16.000 And on the elevator, I go, can I ask you a personal question?

00:31:20.000 Are you really Christopher Walken's wife? 1.00

00:31:21.000 She's like, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:31:23.000 And I go, I fucking love that dude. 1.00

00:31:26.000 And I go, his best movie's at close range. 0.99

00:31:28.000 A lot of people would say, deer hunting. 0.99

00:31:29.000 This bitch looked at me and she goes, you just got three quarters in my door. 1.00

00:31:33.000 That is his best movie. 1.00

00:31:35.000 We have an argument at the house every day about it.

00:31:38.000 So what was this about, that you got dragged into?

00:31:41.000 They dragged...

00:31:41.000 No, no, I'm talking about the story with her.

00:31:43.000 It wasn't The Sopranos.

00:31:44.000 They called me in for an audition.

00:31:45.000 But this woman who brought you in... 1.00

00:31:47.000 It was Christopher Walken's wife.

00:31:48.000 Oh, and she was working for The Sopranos?

00:31:51.000 She cast it.

00:31:51.000 Oh, wow.

00:31:52.000 Her and her partner cast The Sopranos.

00:31:54.000 She's the one that, not anymore.

00:31:55.000 Now she's retired. 0.98

00:31:56.000 She retired after The Sopranos.

00:31:58.000 But before that, it was Christopher Walken's wife that put you in that show.

00:32:01.000 That's who you met with.

00:32:02.000 Wow, that's crazy.

00:32:03.000 That's crazy.

00:32:05.000 Yeah, it makes sense though.

00:32:07.000 It's a successful relationship with a lot of those people.

00:32:10.000 It's all in the business.

00:32:11.000 People understand how nutty that business is, you know? 0.99

00:32:15.000 You know, I was thinking about him when they started accusing him of throwing that Natalie Wood off the boat and shit. 0.98

00:32:20.000 Christopher Walker? 0.92

00:32:21.000 Wasn't he on the boat?

00:32:21.000 No, no, no.

00:32:22.000 Yeah, he was on the boat.

00:32:23.000 But that's not who they saw.

00:32:24.000 No, no, it was, you know, It Takes a Thief.

00:32:28.000 Yeah, what is his name?

00:32:28.000 Robert Ragnar?

00:32:29.000 Robert Ragnar.

00:32:30.000 It Takes a Thief.

00:32:31.000 I just took you deep.

00:32:32.000 What was the show he had after that with the redhead?

00:32:35.000 With the hot redhead. 1.00

00:32:36.000 Jesus Christ, you're killing me. 1.00

00:32:38.000 I kill you, dog. 1.00

00:32:38.000 I take you deep. 1.00

00:32:40.000 Brian, you weren't even around for a taste of thief. 1.00

00:32:42.000 Your head would have fucking exploded. 1.00

00:32:44.000 How do you say his name again? 1.00

00:32:45.000 Robert Wagner.

00:32:46.000 W-A-G-N-E-R. Redhead. 1.00

00:32:52.000 Oh, Stephanie motherfucking Powers. 1.00

00:32:56.000 She was the first original cougar. 0.99

00:32:59.000 Yeah, they think that he killed him, Al.

00:33:02.000 There's a guy who apparently is putting out a book.

00:33:05.000 Right.

00:33:06.000 To think that he killed Natalie Wood.

00:33:09.000 Yeah, his memory came back after 20 years, once he got the book deal. 0.99

00:33:13.000 Once they gained the 50,000, he fucking remembered. 0.98

00:33:15.000 He snapped out of his alcoholism. 0.99

00:33:17.000 He's been on a couple of NCIS's.

00:33:23.000 Yeah.

00:33:24.000 And a few two and a half men's. 1.00

00:33:28.000 I wonder what the fuck, man. 1.00

00:33:31.000 Wow. 1.00

00:33:35.000 That's a crazy thing. 1.00

00:33:37.000 I mean, if this guy bullshitted it, could you imagine if your wife died in a tragic accident and then years later some motherfucker is writing a book claiming that you killed her and you have to deal with the fact that you lost her anyway and you loved her and you miss her and this guy who, you know, who knows why the fuck he's... 1.00

00:33:58.000 Is that you breathing? 1.00

00:33:59.000 No. 1.00

00:34:01.000 I'm just sitting here holding my breath, cocksucker. 1.00

00:34:05.000 No, what was her name again? 0.99

00:34:07.000 Natalie Wood.

00:34:07.000 Bro, she was beautiful.

00:34:08.000 If he didn't kill her, if he really didn't kill her, then this guy, what a piece of shit this guy is. 1.00

00:34:13.000 That would be a horrible thing. 1.00

00:34:15.000 And it's based on when they got back from fishing, something like that. 1.00

00:34:18.000 And if he did kill her, well, he's a piece of shit and this guy's a hero, right? 1.00

00:34:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:34:21.000 For keeping chasing after it. 1.00

00:34:24.000 Wow.

00:34:25.000 This is really interesting. 0.99

00:34:27.000 The only full sentence I could completely decipher during the entire argument was, get off my fucking boat, said by Robert Wagner. 0.89

00:34:37.000 The day after Wood's body was found off the coast of California, this guy, Davern, said that he was asked to go to Wagner's bedroom in his Beverly Hills home, where he met with a lawyer and was told to say nothing. 0.97

00:34:51.000 The captain wrote, Wagner informed me he would hire an attorney who would handle my statement about Natalie Wood's disappearance and drowning, which he did before Natalie Wood's funeral.

00:35:01.000 I signed a statement appointed district attorney drafted, one completely void of the facts surrounding Natalie Wood's disappearance.

00:35:08.000 Wow.

00:35:10.000 That's crazy, man. 1.00

00:35:12.000 They might have got drunk and he threw her off the fucking boat and she just drowned. 1.00

00:35:15.000 What year was that, brother? 1.00

00:35:20.000 1981. November 28th, 1981. Wow.

00:35:25.000 They got in a drunk fight and he threw her off the boat. 1.00

00:35:29.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:35:29.000 If this guy's telling the truth, that's horrific. 0.99

00:35:32.000 Because that guy's got to live with that. 0.99

00:35:35.000 And goddamn Natalie Wood was hot too. 1.00

00:35:37.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:35:37.000 Woo! 1.00

00:35:39.000 She was hot, son.

00:35:39.000 No makeup, no Clairol.

00:35:41.000 That was 1981, though. 1.00

00:35:43.000 That bitch waked up, drank a glass of orange juice, and that's what she looked like. 1.00

00:35:47.000 Yeah, this is really crazy, man. 1.00

00:35:51.000 The detective, who was at the heart of the original case, said that he believed Wagner's account.

00:35:57.000 He added that the actress was very small, so that it was believable that she drowned quickly.

00:36:03.000 Wow.

00:36:03.000 Yeah, Christopher Walken.

00:36:05.000 Was on the boat.

00:36:06.000 Yeah.

00:36:07.000 Yeah.

00:36:08.000 Wow.

00:36:11.000 Christopher Walken began talking about his total pursuit of a career which he admitted was more important to him than his personal life.

00:36:19.000 He clearly thought Natalie should live like that too.

00:36:23.000 Wow.

00:36:25.000 So they got in an argument.

00:36:27.000 That was what started off the argument. 1.00

00:36:29.000 It sounds like Christopher Walken was trying to get some pussy. 0.99

00:36:32.000 And Robert Wagner was there and they were all drunk and they were all getting shitty with each other. 1.00

00:36:38.000 And he fucking threw her off the boat, man. 0.99

00:36:40.000 And he tried to be Captain Saverho. 1.00

00:36:42.000 And Robert Wagner said, What, bitch? 1.00

00:36:44.000 You ain't going home with nobody. 1.00

00:36:46.000 Grabbed her by the fucking head and threw her in that ocean. 1.00

00:36:49.000 Well, that's so scary, man. 1.00

00:36:53.000 Which could have happened.

00:36:54.000 We weren't there. 0.99

00:36:55.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.99

00:36:56.000 Oh, man. 1.00

00:36:57.000 They had dead kids, too.

00:36:58.000 Dead kids?

00:36:59.000 Yeah.

00:37:00.000 They had two children.

00:37:01.000 Oh, God.

00:37:03.000 What a mess.

00:37:05.000 Dude, is there anything worse than relationships gone wrong where you're screaming and yelling at each other while drunk?

00:37:10.000 That is like one of the lowest forms of mankind. 1.00

00:37:13.000 A relationship gone wrong where you're both drunk and you're yelling at each other, GET OFF MY FUCKING BOAT! That's just Charles Bukowski-esque and it's sadness. 1.00

00:37:25.000 Whatever woman you date, you gotta do the opposite. 0.99

00:37:28.000 If she has a cocktail once in a while, you smoke reefer.

00:37:32.000 She smokes reefer, you have wine. 0.65

00:37:34.000 Yeah, because when you both do something that's the same, it's not going to pan out for you.

00:37:37.000 It seems to be that it works with some people.

00:37:40.000 You know, some people are professional pool players.

00:37:42.000 They're both men and female, both professional pool players, and it works.

00:37:46.000 Some people do that with golfing, and it works.

00:37:48.000 Some people do that.

00:37:49.000 It works with some comedians.

00:37:51.000 Tom and Christina, the perfect example.

00:37:53.000 It works great. 1.00

00:37:54.000 It fucking works. 1.00

00:37:55.000 Those people are happy as fuck. 1.00

00:37:57.000 Tom and his wife are super happy. 1.00

00:37:59.000 It doesn't, you know, so...

00:38:01.000 It's not always.

00:38:02.000 But it's low percentages, is what I'm trying to say. 1.00

00:38:05.000 What I'm trying to say is every time I've dated a woman when I was younger, that let's say she did blow and I did blow, at first it was great because she's sucking your dick, you're lighting her asshole on fire. 1.00

00:38:15.000 But then, somewhere along the line, it gets a stray where she's watching you because you got it and you don't want to share with her. 1.00

00:38:22.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:38:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:23.000 You got your period, bitch. 1.00

00:38:24.000 You're no good to me. 1.00

00:38:26.000 So you're doing blow by yourself.

00:38:28.000 She's like, are you doing blow?

00:38:30.000 No.

00:38:30.000 And your jaw is going out.

00:38:31.000 She wants to do a line. 1.00

00:38:32.000 Now she wants you to fuck, and she's got that blood pool, and you're on the blow. 1.00

00:38:36.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:38:37.000 When a chick had a period, I don't show up. 1.00

00:38:39.000 Really? 1.00

00:38:39.000 Yeah, fuck you, just in case she even hints at that. 1.00

00:38:41.000 I made that mistake one time when a chick's out with a period, and then she started getting naked, and she had the fuse from the front. 1.00

00:38:50.000 And after like five or six hours, they can only suck your dick so many times. 1.00

00:38:53.000 I'm like, maybe I'll eat her ass. 1.00

00:38:54.000 And I went to eat her ass. 1.00

00:38:55.000 She had like a half a hemorrhoid. 1.00

00:38:57.000 I said, fuck that shit. 1.00

00:38:58.000 The next day, Mark Babbitt picked me up. 1.00

00:39:01.000 The kiss of death picked me up today.

00:39:03.000 Where is he these days?

00:39:04.000 I don't know.

00:39:05.000 I don't know.

00:39:06.000 I think he's the vice president of the Sandusky Corporation.

00:39:09.000 He was the head of the Laugh Stop in Houston during the glory days.

00:39:14.000 The glory days where you would go there.

00:39:17.000 People don't know about Houston, Texas, man.

00:39:19.000 People do not know about Houston, Texas, what it used to be.

00:39:22.000 First of all, it's the very first place in the country that I could sell out shows.

00:39:26.000 The very first place was Houston, Texas. 0.93

00:39:28.000 And when the Laugh Stop was in its prime glory, they had a Monday night open mic night where they would go from fucking whatever they started. 0.88

00:39:37.000 Was it 8 p.m. 0.92

00:39:38.000 they started? 1.00

00:39:38.000 That shit would go straight on until 2 o'clock in the fucking morning and the place would be packed. 1.00

00:39:44.000 Packed. 1.00

00:39:44.000 And there was a hundred comics looking downstage. 1.00

00:39:46.000 Comedy store style.

00:39:47.000 People come at seven, leave at ten, and another hundred people come at 10.30 and leave at two.

00:39:52.000 It was a legit scene.

00:39:54.000 There were legit comics out of that scene.

00:39:57.000 There were good comics.

00:39:58.000 But the scene crumbled and a lot of guys stayed there.

00:40:01.000 And guys that jettisoned...

00:40:03.000 They came to L.A., but they didn't find success quick enough.

00:40:05.000 It wasn't what they thought it was going to be.

00:40:07.000 They didn't adapt for whatever reason. 0.88

00:40:08.000 And we lost a lot of guys who, like, in my opinion, you know, could have been, like, fucking all-time funny guys. 0.99

00:40:15.000 Really fucking funny guys. 0.95

00:40:17.000 They just, for whatever reason, they never got out of that Houston scene. 1.00

00:40:20.000 But that Houston scene was a motherfucker, man. 1.00

00:40:23.000 It's Kinison and Hicks. 1.00

00:40:25.000 Left behind the remnants of that scene.

00:40:28.000 They started it when they had the annex.

00:40:31.000 The comedy annex, which was in Houston.

00:40:33.000 And that's where Kinison was just on fire, man.

00:40:36.000 He was just coming out of the gate's gun.

00:40:38.000 He was so unique that his opening acts would all sound like him.

00:40:42.000 They'd all start talking like him!

00:40:45.000 They all would do his cadence.

00:40:46.000 They couldn't help it.

00:40:47.000 They were so hypnotized by him, they thought that might be the only way to do comedy now.

00:40:52.000 And they...

00:40:53.000 They would go on stage.

00:40:55.000 You would watch them.

00:40:56.000 You're like, this guy's doing a Kinnison impression.

00:40:58.000 This is weird. 1.00

00:40:59.000 That's how much of a motherfucker he was. 1.00

00:41:01.000 And so when Kinnison left, it was just boom! 1.00

00:41:04.000 Just left this ripple of a community.

00:41:07.000 And there's Jimmy Pineapple and all these other guys that toured with them and they were part of the Outlaws.

00:41:12.000 They were all sort of left behind and some guys survived and some guys didn't.

00:41:17.000 But that was the burst of that scene.

00:41:22.000 It was Kinnison. 1.00

00:41:24.000 And then fucking nothing, man. 1.00

00:41:26.000 No, nothing. 0.99

00:41:26.000 You know, I mean, I know they had the comedy, what'd they call it, the comedy union going for a while? 0.99

00:41:30.000 And they got the Houston Improv, you know.

00:41:32.000 Houston Improv, how's that?

00:41:34.000 You know, it's just a big place.

00:41:35.000 Do they have open mic nights?

00:41:35.000 I think they have open mic nights on Wednesday, but not like that.

00:41:38.000 Gotta have open mic nights.

00:41:40.000 They don't understand.

00:41:41.000 But I think they have a couple rooms around town in Houston.

00:41:44.000 Yeah?

00:41:44.000 I haven't talked to sleep.

00:41:45.000 That other Laugh Stop's done.

00:41:46.000 The new Laugh Stop's done, right?

00:41:48.000 Done.

00:41:48.000 Everything's done.

00:41:49.000 The Laugh Spot is done.

00:41:50.000 That's done, too.

00:41:51.000 Yeah, so all that's left is the Comedy Showcase, which is on the south side and the Improv.

00:41:56.000 Or a theater or the House of Blues there is more popular.

00:41:59.000 Well, the improv must have closed a lot of places down because they get the top talent.

00:42:03.000 Like, if you're going to a town and there's an improv, that's the top talent.

00:42:07.000 You know, it always is.

00:42:08.000 It's always, you look at the lineup.

00:42:09.000 It's Jim Brewer, it's this guy, it's Tracy Morgan.

00:42:11.000 It's always, like, top-named guys.

00:42:14.000 You know, so when a club like that moves into your town, it's probably hard to be the Laugh Stop.

00:42:19.000 And I think the only reason because is that they didn't keep up the same level of quality.

00:42:24.000 They had, like, local headliners.

00:42:26.000 It was, like, one of the few places where, like, San Francisco's won.

00:42:30.000 Denver's one, and Boston's another one, where you have legit local headliners.

00:42:36.000 But nobody talks about legit local Chicago headliners.

00:42:40.000 How many guys are in Chicago that are just headlining clubs around Chicago?

00:42:43.000 There's not that many.

00:42:45.000 Larry Reeb?

00:42:45.000 Larry Reeb.

00:42:46.000 He's been around for a long, long time.

00:42:48.000 The teacher.

00:42:48.000 Who else was out of Chicago that I knew?

00:42:50.000 There's a funny fucking guy. 0.96

00:42:52.000 I always forget his name and it's a shame because I thought he was one of the best monologists I ever saw on stage. 0.99

00:42:59.000 You don't remember his name?

00:43:00.000 No, he's a school teacher and he's got like four kids and he doesn't like traveling so he just does Yoda rooms and anything local in Chicago.

00:43:08.000 But the story goes that when he was on stage and the rumor was in the old days when Kennison would do a theater he would go right to the local comedy club and get on stage.

00:43:17.000 Really?

00:43:18.000 So they said that one night they told him before the night, they go, look, we don't want to offend you, but Kennison's coming in.

00:43:24.000 When he comes in, we're going to give you the light.

00:43:26.000 Wow.

00:43:27.000 Just get off, we'll pay you. 1.00

00:43:28.000 And they said that Kennison came in.

00:43:30.000 Now, I had worked with him in Myrtle Beach, and I left in awe of him.

00:43:34.000 He had one bit about getting on a bus and I was just dying.

00:43:38.000 And somebody told me the story years later that Kenison came in and they were like, we'll get him off the stage.

00:43:44.000 Kenison was ordering a drink and started listening to the guy and goes, no, no, no, no, no.

00:43:48.000 Let me watch the guy.

00:43:50.000 That's how good to get.

00:43:51.000 He's a brutal now.

00:43:52.000 This is 10 years ago when I worked with him.

00:43:54.000 Well, Kennison must have been a fan of comedy.

00:43:56.000 Yeah.

00:43:57.000 You can't get that good without being a fan.

00:43:59.000 He told the guy, do you want to go on the road?

00:44:01.000 And the guy's like, dog, I'm dead.

00:44:03.000 I got a wife, a kid, I'm a school teacher. 0.99

00:44:06.000 Kennison was like, if you ever fucking come to LA, look me up. 0.98

00:44:08.000 Wow. 0.98

00:44:09.000 And he's a great kid.

00:44:10.000 He still works.

00:44:11.000 He still works locally, you know?

00:44:13.000 It's nice when you find a new town on the road, and that's why we found Tommy Segura when we did that Maxim comedy tour.

00:44:18.000 Tommy Segura was one of the opening acts.

00:44:20.000 They would have a new opening act in every place.

00:44:22.000 Some guys were pretty good, but Tommy really stood out. 0.99

00:44:24.000 I was like, this kid's fucking good. 0.97

00:44:26.000 How cool is Tommy Segura? 0.98

00:44:28.000 Oh, he's the nicest guy.

00:44:29.000 I am in heaven lately.

00:44:30.000 I have coffee with Bert Kreischer three times a week.

00:44:32.000 Ah, beautiful.

00:44:33.000 Two blocks from my house, you know.

00:44:35.000 Now I can meet Chris McGuire at the Starbucks.

00:44:38.000 He just wrapped up the...

00:44:39.000 The burn.

00:44:40.000 The burn.

00:44:40.000 He had the wrap party last night.

00:44:42.000 You know, I was with Brody this morning.

00:44:44.000 We know a lot of really nice people.

00:44:45.000 Yeah, bro.

00:44:46.000 We're really...

00:44:46.000 You know, Tony Heincliffe.

00:44:48.000 You know, Brody said a joke last night. 1.00

00:44:50.000 That motherfucker's bad to the bone, Tony Heincliffe. 1.00

00:44:53.000 Brody said a joke last night in The Burn, and I immediately knew fucking Tony wrote it. 1.00

00:44:58.000 That's how much of a fan I am of Tony's. 0.97

00:45:00.000 He goes to McDonald's, he eats the Happy Meal, but he keeps the burger or something like that.

00:45:06.000 Something very witty.

00:45:07.000 I'm not giving it justice. 0.98

00:45:09.000 But it made me fucking laugh. 0.97

00:45:10.000 And I knew it was Tony's. 0.98

00:45:13.000 I knew it was Tony's.

00:45:13.000 We were real lucky that we know so many cool, funny, nice people.

00:45:19.000 We all feed off of each other.

00:45:21.000 That's a very important part of any real strong scene, a real strong community.

00:45:28.000 And I think we're a part of a very strong and fun stand-up community.

00:45:33.000 This is more of a community now, I think.

00:45:38.000 At this stage in our lives than it's ever been before.

00:45:41.000 And we think about all the people that we're, like, networked with, you know?

00:45:44.000 It's pretty unusual.

00:45:46.000 And how everybody's doing so well.

00:45:48.000 Like, I just got off the phone with...

00:45:49.000 Aubrey went down to see Ari in Austin. 0.91

00:45:54.000 Austin last weekend.

00:45:55.000 Yeah, and I was talking to Ari. 0.99

00:45:56.000 I was like, Ari, you fucking headlined the Cap City Comedy Club. 0.95

00:46:00.000 Like, that's legit. 0.98

00:46:02.000 Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, that is a legit weekend.

00:46:05.000 You headlined a legit club.

00:46:07.000 And for the longest time, dude couldn't get booked places.

00:46:10.000 And now, you know, you see him headlining a legit place.

00:46:13.000 It's like, wow, this is... 0.98

00:46:14.000 Seeing your friends prosper and seeing people around you prosper and seeing them grow and seeing them do shit that's hilarious on stage. 0.97

00:46:22.000 Man, it's like nothing more energizing.

00:46:25.000 There's nothing more beneficial to you as a person and your growth and your own inspiration.

00:46:30.000 Because it's like inspiration without jealousy.

00:46:32.000 It's inspiration without any of the negative aspects attached to it, like no fear or insecurity that's causing you to be inspired to action.

00:46:41.000 No, you're just inspired by watching somebody else do what you do, someone that you love, so you'll like watching them up there killing.

00:46:48.000 You know, four years ago, I was very disillusioned with this business.

00:46:51.000 Were you really?

00:46:51.000 Yeah, it was after the Carlos thing and the comedy store where they all went back and there was no real solidarity.

00:46:57.000 I became a comic because of people like Lenny Bruce, that he would do comedy and then shoot over to the Chelsea and shoot heroin with jazz musicians and fuck a stripper. 0.75

00:47:06.000 That was the lifestyle I wanted. 0.99

00:47:08.000 You know, when I was 28, I was a little crazy and I was content with that.

00:47:12.000 I couldn't handle a family.

00:47:13.000 I was pretty content with that.

00:47:14.000 Knowing you're content with that is great.

00:47:16.000 I was a little disenchanted.

00:47:17.000 I'm not going to lie to nobody here. 0.99

00:47:19.000 I didn't want to do it and I didn't want to hang out with those fucking people at the store ever again. 0.98

00:47:22.000 I didn't want to see them. 0.99

00:47:23.000 The real problem was when that all went down, everybody sort of pussied out.

00:47:28.000 They pussied out.

00:47:29.000 Except for you and Ari.

00:47:30.000 You and Ari were the only ones.

00:47:32.000 Ari took like a year off of that place and you never went back.

00:47:35.000 I take my friends and family serious because at the end of the day that's all you got.

00:47:38.000 I got no family.

00:47:39.000 Yeah.

00:47:40.000 And on top of that, I know the old thing.

00:47:42.000 You know, you got to close one door before another one opens.

00:47:45.000 We were done at the store.

00:47:45.000 I was done at the store.

00:47:47.000 And I went and applied for a job as a car fucking salesman. 0.99

00:47:50.000 I took the piss test, but obviously the thing melted. 0.99

00:47:53.000 So from the THC, so they never called back.

00:47:56.000 They were scared.

00:47:57.000 And all of a sudden, one day...

00:47:58.000 What kind of cars were you going to sell?

00:47:59.000 Ford, right on my block.

00:48:00.000 Friendly Ford.

00:48:01.000 I could sell lacklustre.

00:48:02.000 I could sell chariots. 1.00

00:48:03.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:48:04.000 You come in, I'll sell your chariot. 1.00

00:48:06.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:48:07.000 Yeah.

00:48:10.000 You know me, dog. 1.00

00:48:11.000 I'll say you're a fucking charity. 1.00

00:48:12.000 It don't matter. 1.00

00:48:13.000 You know, the car I'm selling today, this is the best car on the market. 1.00

00:48:16.000 This particular car today, fuck a Mercedes. 1.00

00:48:18.000 Is this Ford Taurus or rock your fucking world? 1.00

00:48:21.000 Even though in the back of my head I don't, you know. 0.99

00:48:22.000 But, you know, I opened for you in July in Irvine.

00:48:27.000 There was no Twitter then.

00:48:30.000 And there were five shows.

00:48:31.000 It was 4th of July weekend.

00:48:32.000 The place was sold out.

00:48:34.000 And that was the first time I was ever impressed with the computer in all the years I was around you.

00:48:38.000 Then I did a podcast here with you about two years ago.

00:48:41.000 You got the tape.

00:48:42.000 The footage is on YouTube.

00:48:43.000 Where I sat here and said to you, I didn't want to be on Twitter.

00:48:46.000 I didn't want to be on Facebook.

00:48:48.000 You guys got the footage.

00:48:49.000 I eat my words, dog.

00:48:50.000 I'm a big boy. 1.00

00:48:51.000 And I started fucking around on Twitter because you started telling me. 0.99

00:48:55.000 And I started doing it just how I seen everybody was fucking up. 0.99

00:48:58.000 Just writing jokes, bro. 0.98

00:49:00.000 You know, every week, every three days.

00:49:02.000 And I go deep, dog. 1.00

00:49:03.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:49:04.000 You gotta go deep on Twitter. 1.00

00:49:05.000 If you want some motherfucking retweets, you gotta take them into murky waters. 1.00

00:49:09.000 Whatever the fuck you say, you know? 1.00

00:49:11.000 I tell you, man, these people on Twitter are my family now. 1.00

00:49:15.000 I got retweeted on CNN the other day. 1.00

00:49:17.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:49:17.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:49:18.000 No, no, it's amazing. 1.00

00:49:19.000 I was the only one in the whole Chris Brown story that retweeted my tweet.

00:49:22.000 I was like, yes!

00:49:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:49:23.000 Of all the shit I've done, that was like a real accomplishment. 0.99

00:49:25.000 Yes. 0.99

00:49:26.000 Oh, you feel like fucking great, don't you? 0.98

00:49:28.000 I was like, yes. 0.95

00:49:29.000 But it's amazing what's going on right now.

00:49:31.000 I've never loved Stan The...

00:49:33.000 More than ever.

00:49:34.000 I am turning down auditions if they're not in my realm.

00:49:37.000 I don't want to bother with that world.

00:49:39.000 You know who else figured that out recently?

00:49:41.000 Brian Callen.

00:49:42.000 Yeah, it's all over.

00:49:43.000 We had the exact same conversation yesterday. 1.00

00:49:44.000 It's garbage. 0.96

00:49:44.000 I don't want to do it. 0.96

00:49:45.000 It's not elevating me.

00:49:46.000 It's not making me happy.

00:49:48.000 They call me in for two broke girls. 1.00

00:49:50.000 Two in the afternoon, they want to be there at 5.30.

00:49:52.000 Really? 1.00

00:49:52.000 Who the fuck are you? 1.00

00:49:53.000 I don't have a life. 1.00

00:49:54.000 First of all, you got to respect me.

00:49:55.000 That's number one. 1.00

00:49:56.000 It's a fucking man. 1.00

00:49:57.000 Number two, for a Goomba, how many Goombas am I going to play? 1.00

00:50:00.000 How's it going to change my life?

00:50:02.000 So somebody's going to see me at 8 o'clock at night, I turn it down.

00:50:05.000 I don't want to do it.

00:50:06.000 Unless it's something great now, I don't want to do it.

00:50:08.000 I'm very content with what I'm doing.

00:50:10.000 I'm very content with the stand-up.

00:50:12.000 I'm very content with the writing.

00:50:13.000 I'm content with this circle right now.

00:50:16.000 We have people around us, dog.

00:50:18.000 I don't have anybody around me I don't want to have no more.

00:50:20.000 I get up.

00:50:21.000 I work out.

00:50:22.000 I meet people for coffee.

00:50:24.000 And now that Duncan and Brian made up.

00:50:25.000 Yeah, no, no.

00:50:26.000 The positive energy is back.

00:50:27.000 That's perfect.

00:50:28.000 And now there ain't no stopping us.

00:50:29.000 These people are done.

00:50:31.000 They created a monster, and we created it all on Twitter, and I love it.

00:50:34.000 I love my people on Twitter.

00:50:36.000 Twitter's big, but the podcast is the biggest thing, Joey.

00:50:38.000 They know you because of this.

00:50:40.000 Twitter's just the way they stay in touch with you. 1.00

00:50:42.000 I go down and dirty with these motherfuckers on Twitter, and they feel me. 1.00

00:50:45.000 They feel the osmosis. 1.00

00:50:47.000 It's everything.

00:50:47.000 It's a combination of all these things.

00:50:50.000 It's your stand-up being funny.

00:50:52.000 It's the Twitter.

00:50:53.000 You'd be able to connect with them.

00:50:55.000 And it's the podcast where they get to know you.

00:50:56.000 It's all those things above.

00:50:57.000 But it's all those things that just didn't exist for us just a little while ago. 0.92

00:51:02.000 And the impact that it has now is fucking nuts. 0.83

00:51:06.000 Brian went on stage in Sacramento. 0.98

00:51:07.000 They went berserk.

00:51:08.000 They went berserk.

00:51:10.000 Ladies and gentlemen, you know from my podcast, Brian, Brian, Brian.

00:51:15.000 Brian went from the stage and he called CAA Collect.

00:51:18.000 He says, CAA Collect.

00:51:21.000 Tell him, Brian, Red Bull.

00:51:23.000 Yeah, it's fun, man.

00:51:24.000 Red Bull.

00:51:25.000 And then I went up and probably had one of the best sets I've ever had in my life.

00:51:29.000 I'm having these new sets now.

00:51:31.000 My sets are... 0.94

00:51:31.000 I've got all this new shit I'm working on and it's so fun. 0.94

00:51:35.000 It's all these new weapons and turns and it's like... 0.99

00:51:39.000 This is shit that didn't even exist a month ago, and it's crushing. 0.99

00:51:42.000 It's so exciting to watch it just pop out of the ground and become a fucking tree. 1.00

00:51:47.000 It's really fun, man. 0.99

00:51:48.000 It's exciting.

00:51:49.000 I'm enjoying the people.

00:51:50.000 I never used to enjoy the people.

00:51:52.000 I did comedy. 0.98

00:51:53.000 It was always dumb people coming up to me. 1.00

00:51:54.000 Hey, fat man. 1.00

00:51:56.000 These people call me fat man, but they love me. 0.97

00:51:59.000 They love you. 0.94

00:51:59.000 So it's a different fat man. 0.94

00:52:00.000 I love it.

00:52:01.000 I love it that we communicate.

00:52:02.000 We smoke dope. 1.00

00:52:03.000 I was at the Mall of America last week, bitch. 1.00

00:52:07.000 The mall of motherfucking America. 1.00

00:52:08.000 We had 60 people up on that fucking garage panel puffing like savages. 1.00

00:52:13.000 You know, people brought cookies. 1.00

00:52:15.000 They didn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:52:16.000 This is it. 0.98

00:52:17.000 This is a movement.

00:52:18.000 You shouldn't talk about this online because Ari almost got arrested. 1.00

00:52:21.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99

00:52:23.000 Listen to me. 1.00

00:52:23.000 He got arrested because he's playing that Hunt for the Edible thing. 1.00

00:52:27.000 We ain't got time for that.

00:52:28.000 What are you, 10?

00:52:29.000 Somebody emailed me today.

00:52:30.000 In Chicago, you're going to go play Hunt for the Edible?

00:52:33.000 What am I, 10? 1.00

00:52:34.000 I'm a fucking adult, dog. 1.00

00:52:36.000 Get a skateboard. 1.00

00:52:37.000 No, Ari, you can't do that shit. 1.00

00:52:39.000 Ari was doing it when he was just in Texas last week, and he was doing it... 1.00

00:52:43.000 Shh! 0.97

00:52:43.000 Was he doing it online? 0.97

00:52:45.000 Yeah.

00:52:46.000 Ari.

00:52:46.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:52:48.000 That is super illegal.

00:52:50.000 He could get set up.

00:52:51.000 Yeah.

00:52:51.000 Easily.

00:52:52.000 One follower that doesn't like him could just...

00:52:55.000 Well, I don't think he's aware of the repercussions of getting busted in Texas. 1.00

00:52:57.000 And that motherfucker who'll go to jail and those sons of anarchy will get that little Jew ass. 1.00

00:53:01.000 He's over. 1.00

00:53:02.000 They'll shave it. 1.00

00:53:02.000 They'll put some fucking... 1.00

00:53:03.000 Some fucking... 1.00

00:53:05.000 Whatever the fuck they put in your ass before they bang it. 1.00

00:53:08.000 You know, it ain't funny, especially in Texas. 1.00

00:53:10.000 I couldn't imagine doing time now.

00:53:12.000 Do they have air conditioning?

00:53:14.000 Oh yeah.

00:53:15.000 Carpeting, a swimming pool, massages.

00:53:19.000 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:19.000 They got everything.

00:53:20.000 Steaks, lobster tails on Sunday. 1.00

00:53:23.000 Get the fuck. 1.00

00:53:24.000 The only person who gives you a massage there is against your will. 1.00

00:53:27.000 You don't know what it is to get a massage against your will.

00:53:30.000 It's like you can fight this or you can take the ride.

00:53:32.000 You might get a happy ending or you might get choked. 1.00

00:53:35.000 Damn. 0.99

00:53:36.000 I would want to teach a few dudes jujitsu and just have impromptu sparring sessions where you don't just teach a few dudes jujitsu to keep your shit sharp and then just lay some mattresses down and go at it. 0.99

00:53:52.000 As long as you teach them some shit, maybe they'll offer you good sparring partners and then maybe you could at least keep up a level of fitness and try to stay alive. 0.97

00:54:01.000 Wearing the joint? 1.00

00:54:02.000 Yeah.

00:54:04.000 You know, man...

00:54:05.000 But you don't want to go in there because of a hunt for the edibles.

00:54:07.000 No. 0.99

00:54:08.000 Because then they're going to hunt for your fucking edible. 1.00

00:54:10.000 And your asshole. 1.00

00:54:11.000 They're going to hunt deep, deep, deep in the murky waters of that muffin. 1.00

00:54:15.000 Ari gets baked with people after shows. 0.82

00:54:17.000 I don't do that anymore.

00:54:18.000 You're not smoking with people anymore?

00:54:19.000 I had a guy come up to me that was positive he was a cop once. 0.95

00:54:23.000 And I was like, alright, this is ridiculous.

00:54:27.000 I also knew somebody that had... 0.73

00:54:30.000 Something put in his pot that it wasn't pot.

00:54:32.000 He still to this day doesn't know what it is.

00:54:34.000 It might have been meth.

00:54:35.000 Might have been someone sprinkled meth on the pot.

00:54:38.000 What'd they do to me?

00:54:39.000 Road dude.

00:54:40.000 Someone tried to give me DMT in Sacramento.

00:54:42.000 Yeah, who knows what that is.

00:54:44.000 Yeah, that's like... 0.99

00:54:45.000 It gets really shady because that's like super illegal shit. 0.96

00:54:49.000 And we already know that people have been set up in the past. 0.98

00:54:53.000 Like, you gotta really think about that.

00:54:54.000 Like, that's the 15-year-old kid who was arrested in Florida because an undercover cop pretended to be in high school with him, flirted with him, and got him. 1.00

00:55:02.000 Joe, you buy into that shit, look. 1.00

00:55:03.000 Listen, I buy into it because it's true. 1.00

00:55:05.000 This is what you do.

00:55:06.000 We're in California, okay?

00:55:07.000 We're heads.

00:55:08.000 When you declare yourself a head, it's a different story.

00:55:10.000 We're not stoners.

00:55:11.000 That's 13-year-olds that look at high times.

00:55:13.000 I'm a head. 1.00

00:55:14.000 I've been smoking dope for 30 fucking years. 1.00

00:55:16.000 No, none of you's a head. 1.00

00:55:17.000 Because you don't know. 0.99

00:55:19.000 You're stoners.

00:55:20.000 No. 0.99

00:55:21.000 You guys are heads.

00:55:22.000 Bold as a heads. 1.00

00:55:23.000 It's a fucking understanding. 1.00

00:55:24.000 It's an understanding. 1.00

00:55:25.000 It's an understanding, bro.

00:55:27.000 And I could tell when I look at somebody's eyes.

00:55:29.000 I won't take edibles that much either. 0.99

00:55:31.000 I don't like the fucking big thing or chocolate bar. 0.94

00:55:33.000 But if somebody comes to me, I could tell when they have real reefer. 0.99

00:55:36.000 I could tell because they're heads.

00:55:38.000 They're not drunk.

00:55:39.000 They're not sloppy.

00:55:40.000 I could tell.

00:55:41.000 A head just mows dope. 1.00

00:55:42.000 You don't fuck with nothing else. 1.00

00:55:44.000 When I look at his eyes and I go, what did you listen to tonight? 1.00

00:55:46.000 He goes, dog, I heard some Sabbath. 0.65

00:55:48.000 It's a head.

00:55:49.000 It's a head. 1.00

00:55:50.000 When I listen to Ozzy, I want to shoot myself. 1.00

00:55:51.000 That type of shit, they're heads. 1.00

00:55:53.000 They're not, they couldn't harm themselves. 1.00

00:55:55.000 They wouldn't harm themselves, bro.

00:55:57.000 I've been doing this for 30 years.

00:55:59.000 Ain't nobody going to set you up if you smoke a joint with somebody.

00:56:01.000 How?

00:56:02.000 How am I going to set you up in LA if you smoke or drink with somebody? 0.99

00:56:06.000 Even if I'm in fucking... 0.98

00:56:08.000 Did I tell you I got an offer from a weed store in Michigan to fly me out and do comedy? 0.99

00:56:12.000 Really?

00:56:12.000 Nice number, too.

00:56:13.000 Hell yeah! 0.95

00:56:14.000 Oh yeah! 1.00

00:56:15.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

00:56:16.000 Are you going to do it? 1.00

00:56:16.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:56:17.000 Why not? 1.00

00:56:17.000 What's the name of the store? 1.00

00:56:18.000 I don't know.

00:56:19.000 They didn't send me all the details.

00:56:20.000 Twitter, mad flavor.

00:56:21.000 You got to change your Twitter.

00:56:22.000 We need Joey Diaz.

00:56:23.000 Who's got Joey Diaz on Twitter?

00:56:25.000 Me.

00:56:25.000 Have we checked?

00:56:26.000 Me.

00:56:27.000 You do? 1.00

00:56:28.000 I'm the baddest motherfucker. 1.00

00:56:29.000 You got them both? 1.00

00:56:29.000 Joey Diaz, yeah. 1.00

00:56:31.000 But anyway, the problem is nobody's going to give you nothing bad, bro.

00:56:34.000 You know, I heard in New York in the 70s on Halloween they would put razor blades and apples...

00:56:39.000 And give them to kids. 0.82

00:56:40.000 You know what? 1.00

00:56:41.000 If you ate an apple on Halloween, go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:56:43.000 You're supposed to go there for the fucking do-re-mi. 1.00

00:56:45.000 I never even ate candy on Halloween. 0.99

00:56:47.000 I went for the money. 1.00

00:56:48.000 I went for the pennies and the fucking dollar bills and the chains. 1.00

00:56:51.000 I grew up early. 0.99

00:56:52.000 When I came from Cuba, I was in New York City in those buildings.

00:56:54.000 Those buildings are Jews. 1.00

00:56:55.000 They give you fucking cash. 1.00

00:56:56.000 How much? 1.00

00:56:57.000 A dollar, a quarter. 1.00

00:56:58.000 In the 70s, somebody give you a fucking quarter. 1.00

00:57:00.000 That's a little juice drink from the hot dog, man. 0.99

00:57:03.000 You know, I'm not going to... 1.00

00:57:03.000 Listen, take your little M&Ms and all this shit and shove it up your ass. 1.00

00:57:07.000 Isn't it strange when you really think back about the price of shit when you were a kid when you see like comic books for 25 cents and you think about how ridiculous like you hear like what someone's wage was he got five dollars a week working for the ranch and you're like what? 1.00

00:57:21.000 What's the price for tickets now for a concert? 0.99

00:57:25.000 $150.

00:57:25.000 Well, didn't you say Bob Dylan?

00:57:27.000 Oh, $225.

00:57:28.000 What did the guy say to us?

00:57:29.000 $300 in Santa Barbara?

00:57:30.000 Yeah, that's when we were in Santa Barbara.

00:57:32.000 I think he said $350.

00:57:33.000 Listen to me.

00:57:34.000 February 24th.

00:57:36.000 Look it up.

00:57:36.000 1980. I paid $15.50 for Pink Floyd the war.

00:57:41.000 And that's with a service tax.

00:57:42.000 You know the service tax they have now?

00:57:43.000 You know how much the service tax was?

00:57:45.000 What?

00:57:45.000 50 cents.

00:57:47.000 Now it's dollars.

00:57:48.000 Now it's like $5.

00:57:49.000 No, it's more than that.

00:57:51.000 Is it?

00:57:51.000 Yeah.

00:57:51.000 You think about it.

00:57:52.000 So in 30 years, so let's say it doubled every 10 years, it should be $60, $70 for a ticket.

00:58:00.000 Why are we paying $300, $200 for a ticket for anything?

00:58:03.000 This is Pink Floyd DeWall.

00:58:05.000 That's as good as it gets.

00:58:06.000 Live at the Nassau Coliseum.

00:58:07.000 Well, it's just weird how everything got more expensive.

00:58:10.000 Like, that weird thing of inflation that I never really totally understood.

00:58:14.000 Like, why do things have to get more expensive every year?

00:58:17.000 But it does.

00:58:18.000 Why does gas have to get more expensive?

00:58:20.000 Who does?

00:58:20.000 Why do people have to make more money?

00:58:21.000 I don't know, but they do.

00:58:22.000 And it just keeps...

00:58:24.000 And yeah, people are, I mean, for sure, if you have more money, you're going to be able to buy more things.

00:58:29.000 But then when those more things cost more money as well, you're just raising the numbers, but it all balances itself out.

00:58:36.000 It's just a weird sort of a trend to me.

00:58:40.000 That things constantly get more expensive.

00:58:42.000 Constantly get more expensive.

00:58:44.000 They're not going to lock an iPhone in and say, ladies and gentlemen, this iPhone is $200. 0.99

00:58:48.000 It will be $200 to the end of fucking time. 0.98

00:58:50.000 The iPhone 80 that comes out will be $200. 1.00

00:58:53.000 That's what we're charging for a fucking iPhone. 0.99

00:58:55.000 You can't say that. 1.00

00:58:56.000 Because you don't know what the fuck $200 is going to be worth in 20 years. 0.96

00:58:59.000 You don't know what it's going to be worth in a decade. 1.00

00:59:01.000 You don't know what it's going to be worth if the fucking economy collapses like in Russia. 0.99

00:59:04.000 Like it went down in the Soviet Union, like it's going down in Greece. 0.99

00:59:07.000 I mean, Greece, they're really running a very real possibility of leaving the European Union. 0.63

00:59:13.000 That's going to fuck the dollar up. 0.84

00:59:15.000 It's going to fuck everybody up. 0.58

00:59:17.000 What happens then?

00:59:18.000 How much does it cost to get your car washed now?

00:59:20.000 Is it $18?

00:59:21.000 How much do you get an hour?

00:59:23.000 Is minimum wage $20 an hour now?

00:59:25.000 At a certain point in time, that's going to keep going up.

00:59:27.000 I told you the other day that I was out of touch with reality.

00:59:30.000 That I went car shopping.

00:59:32.000 I sold cars for 10 years.

00:59:34.000 A 4Runner, when I quit selling cars, was $22. 1.00

00:59:37.000 It's $40,000 loaded with the fucking under grease and the fucking stars in Colorado. 0.99

00:59:41.000 It's $40,000, $50,000. 1.00

00:59:44.000 For $20,000, I looked at a Honda last week.

00:59:47.000 It was 10 years old with 100,000 miles.

00:59:50.000 They still wanted $13,000.

00:59:52.000 And the Blue Book is $14,500.

00:59:54.000 Wow.

00:59:54.000 Kelly Blue Booker.

00:59:55.000 You know me, I know all that shit. 1.00

00:59:56.000 I fucking look at that stuff. 1.00

00:59:58.000 I have friends in the car business I call Colorado. 0.99

00:59:59.000 I asked around.

01:00:00.000 I was even thinking of getting a car shipped from Colorado from my buddy at Honda.

01:00:04.000 He's the gentleman at Longmont Toyota. 0.99

01:00:05.000 He gave me a fucking dollar over invoice. 1.00

01:00:07.000 What do I give a fuck? 1.00

01:00:08.000 He goes, come get the car. 0.99

01:00:09.000 So I'm thinking about doing that.

01:00:10.000 I'm trying to put it together.

01:00:13.000 It's just, I was out of touch.

01:00:15.000 And you know what tells me the prices of things?

01:00:17.000 Like I told you, you know, we live around here with BMWs and Mercedes, so we forget.

01:00:22.000 But I go to Pittsburgh and I watch.

01:00:23.000 I go to Houston. 0.99

01:00:24.000 I go to all those cities and I look at these people and I look at the people that are coming to the shows and I'm like, bro, we're in fucking trouble. 0.96

01:00:30.000 I look at these malls that are empty across America. 0.98

01:00:33.000 Empty, bro.

01:00:34.000 Mall of America is one thing.

01:00:35.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:00:36.000 Everybody wants to have a business at the Mall of America.

01:00:38.000 Have you been there, Joe?

01:00:39.000 No, I've never been there. 0.99

01:00:39.000 It's designed to make motherfucking paper. 0.99

01:00:42.000 Minneapolis, I was very impressed. 0.99

01:00:44.000 I mean, the airport is 10 minutes from Mall of America.

01:00:47.000 Not 30. They designed that city so they get your pocket.

01:00:51.000 You land, there's 22 airports, and each airport has a shuttle to the Mall of America every 10 minutes.

01:00:55.000 Really?

01:00:56.000 Bro, it's four floors.

01:00:57.000 So you could land just a shop?

01:00:59.000 You could land just a shop. 1.00

01:01:01.000 Damn. 1.00

01:01:02.000 Four floors deep. 1.00

01:01:04.000 Fuck, four floors deep. 1.00

01:01:05.000 Don't people exercise in it? 1.00

01:01:06.000 Oh, you gotta see this thing.

01:01:07.000 You gotta see this thing.

01:01:08.000 And then they have a whole area where it's an amusement park.

01:01:13.000 It used to be the old twin stadium. 0.99

01:01:15.000 So think of a fucking stadium, a baseball stadium, and that's just a little piece of it. 0.99

01:01:21.000 I walked around the one day. 1.00

01:01:22.000 It was an hour and a half walk.

01:01:24.000 Wow.

01:01:25.000 You walked around the whole thing? 1.00

01:01:26.000 The fucking whole thing. 0.99

01:01:27.000 I didn't go up the stairs, don't get me wrong. 1.00

01:01:28.000 Looks like I carried away. 0.99

01:01:29.000 Mike Dolce fucked that. 0.99

01:01:31.000 But I walked around that mall. 1.00

01:01:33.000 It's a wild fucking mall. 0.99

01:01:35.000 But it tells me that... 1.00

01:01:37.000 Bro, this country's in trouble.

01:01:38.000 We were talking about the phone the other day, how they don't have five pound bag of sugars no more because the price of sugar went up.

01:01:43.000 You have to buy it by the pound or three pound bags.

01:01:46.000 Gas has gone up.

01:01:47.000 Everything has gone up.

01:01:48.000 But the price of cocaine is still 35 a gram.

01:01:51.000 You said it went down, right?

01:01:52.000 It went down.

01:01:53.000 It was 40 or 60 two years ago.

01:01:56.000 Well, last time I bought Blow five years ago, it was 60. I'd go to El Compadre, pick up a gram for 50 if the guy was high, you know what I'm saying?

01:02:02.000 If I had been there a couple times that week...

01:02:04.000 No, it's $35.

01:02:05.000 $35.

01:02:06.000 You'd get jazzed up for...

01:02:07.000 Wow.

01:02:08.000 And it's better than ever, they say.

01:02:10.000 Better than ever. 1.00

01:02:11.000 Gives you a skin rash, the whole fucking thing. 0.99

01:02:14.000 Heroin. 1.00

01:02:15.000 Did you read about heroin?

01:02:16.000 Did you read about weed in New York City amongst teens?

01:02:19.000 What?

01:02:20.000 I mean, oh, teens are going nuts in New York City with the weed.

01:02:23.000 And so was I. So who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:02:25.000 Good. 1.00

01:02:25.000 Smoke more of it. 1.00

01:02:26.000 No, what are they going to do?

01:02:26.000 Give them ADD pills and SOS pills?

01:02:29.000 Why don't you give these fucking... 1.00

01:02:30.000 You know, at a certain point in time, it becomes okay. 1.00

01:02:33.000 I don't know what it is, 17, 18, 19, whatever it is.

01:02:36.000 You think it's okay for you, if you have a good childhood, if you have good parents, go for it.

01:02:41.000 But I don't buy that it's going to hurt you.

01:02:44.000 I don't think it's going to hurt 18-year-olds.

01:02:47.000 They say that if you smoke it when you're young that it can diminish your IQ. I've heard that, but I'm like, how do you find that out?

01:02:54.000 You take two people, make them live the exact same circumstances, you know, and get one of them high and one of them doesn't.

01:02:59.000 They both follow the same diet.

01:03:01.000 They both have the same genetics.

01:03:02.000 They're twins. 0.99

01:03:03.000 Other than that, how the fuck are you going to tell me that that's what's going on? 0.99

01:03:05.000 How do you know what his IQ would have been? 0.98

01:03:07.000 You're just extrapolating.

01:03:10.000 There's a lot of other environmental factors that could lead to someone being in an area where there's a disproportionate amount of people with a low IQ. The IQ test itself is not really necessarily a good judge of intelligence because a little bit is about understanding how tests work.

01:03:25.000 There's a lot of really fucking smart people that just don't know how this test works. 0.96

01:03:28.000 And they know how to be very intelligent in their own world. 0.99

01:03:32.000 They know how to be very intelligent in their own occupation or their own world in a way that you wouldn't be able to plug into. 0.98

01:03:38.000 Just because you write some fucking shit on a piece of paper that requires thinking doesn't mean this is a real accurate measurement of real intelligence, usable intelligence, because it just doesn't. 0.98

01:03:48.000 You know, real intelligence is social intelligence. 1.00

01:03:50.000 There's a lot of people that are socially brilliant.

01:03:52.000 I mean, how many guys have we met that aren't that good looking, but they're always getting laid?

01:03:56.000 Everybody loves them.

01:03:57.000 People come around grabbing them.

01:03:59.000 They can't wait to hear them talk.

01:04:00.000 What is that?

01:04:01.000 That's a social intelligence.

01:04:02.000 There's a talent to that.

01:04:04.000 There's something to that. 0.98

01:04:05.000 And to discount that is silly. 1.00

01:04:07.000 And to say that, you know, the only kind of intelligence should be standing in front of a computer punching numbers in, that's stupid. 1.00

01:04:13.000 Because there's a social intelligence. 1.00

01:04:15.000 If a guy can talk some crazy freak who's never done it before into sucking his dick in an alleyway somewhere, I can't believe I'm doing this. 1.00

01:04:22.000 That's a social intelligence that he allowed, you know, he pulled that off. 1.00

01:04:26.000 Yeah.

01:04:26.000 I mean, that's what you're saying you can sell cars.

01:04:28.000 That's a social intelligence.

01:04:30.000 I can sell anything.

01:04:31.000 You put me against the wall.

01:04:33.000 I'll sell you anything if you let me. 0.99

01:04:34.000 You are a black belt in talking. 1.00

01:04:36.000 Oh, I don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:04:37.000 I'll get down with the best of all that. 1.00

01:04:39.000 You know, in Boulder, it's tough to talk to those people.

01:04:41.000 I can rock in Boulder because they're just looking for somebody real.

01:04:44.000 Yeah, they're very intelligent.

01:04:45.000 Can I get this on a grant?

01:04:47.000 You know, those people in Boulder are so intelligent.

01:04:50.000 I'm an anthropologist.

01:04:50.000 Lodizio told me this once.

01:04:52.000 A friend of mine said to me, bro, you have to forgive these people.

01:04:55.000 Some of these astronauts at the university, their intellect is so high that they have no social skills.

01:05:03.000 It has been sucked in. 0.99

01:05:04.000 It's not that they're assholes or trying to be bad people. 1.00

01:05:07.000 It's that they're introverts. 1.00

01:05:09.000 They don't know. 1.00

01:05:10.000 And I understand that shit. 1.00

01:05:11.000 I understand between a guy that's a dick And there's a guy that has his fucking face in a book. 1.00

01:05:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:17.000 And he loves it. 1.00

01:05:18.000 He doesn't care about the outside world. 1.00

01:05:19.000 They don't concentrate on social shit. 0.99

01:05:21.000 They just don't concentrate on it. 1.00

01:05:22.000 They just blow up the outside world.

01:05:25.000 Blow up what?

01:05:26.000 I told you when I was heavy into martial arts when I was like a teenager, I would get like social anxiety.

01:05:40.000 When I had to talk to somebody, I would get anxious if I had to talk to somebody and return a video.

01:05:44.000 If I would get anxious if I would go to the mailbox and get something or if I'd go to the bank and deposit a check, I would get socially anxiety where I couldn't talk very well for no reason.

01:05:55.000 Because I just wasn't used to talking to people.

01:05:57.000 All I wanted to do was train.

01:05:58.000 So I was just training and fighting all day.

01:06:00.000 I was just locked into this one form in my mind where most of my day was dedicated to movements and learning how to strike things.

01:06:08.000 And then I would go out into the outside world and I would be really awkward.

01:06:11.000 It's real weird.

01:06:12.000 It lasted a couple of years.

01:06:14.000 Stand-up changed it for me.

01:06:16.000 Teaching and stand-up.

01:06:17.000 The two things that changed it for.

01:06:19.000 Teaching made stand-up easier because I would teach whole classes and I got used to being able to do that.

01:06:25.000 Used to be able to talk in front of classes and explain the right way to get, you know, momentum and technique and all this different shit that was kind of complicated.

01:06:33.000 And when I explained it to the class, I would get more confidence because I was doing that when I was a teenager, you know? 0.98

01:06:37.000 Yeah, your black belt this week, more black belts than Ron Van Cleef and shit. 1.00

01:06:42.000 Ha! 0.99

01:06:43.000 Ron Van Cleef, you know, is still working out.

01:06:45.000 There's a video of him online.

01:06:47.000 I think he's even older than that, man.

01:06:48.000 I think he's in his 60s.

01:06:50.000 Yeah, he's got to be 63. He fought in a karate tournament.

01:06:52.000 I think he was 62 years old.

01:06:53.000 He fought in a karate tournament.

01:06:55.000 Bro, I heard Dan...

01:06:56.000 Throwing kicks.

01:06:57.000 I heard Dan Alessandro just got his brown belt in jiu-jitsu.

01:07:00.000 Oh, did he really?

01:07:01.000 He's 70. Danny Osanto, I believe, has got to be a black belt in jiu-jitsu.

01:07:05.000 I think he's been involved in jiu-jitsu for a long time.

01:07:08.000 His school was in Marina del Rey, and he still teaches Jeet Kune Do?

01:07:12.000 Well, yeah.

01:07:13.000 I mean, Eric Paulson was one of his students, I believe.

01:07:16.000 Paulson is a guy who's...

01:07:19.000 Sometimes more famous as a coach, but he was a great fighter for a while.

01:07:23.000 He was a Shudo champion.

01:07:24.000 And Paulson, I think, the main style that he originally claimed was Jeet Kune Do.

01:07:29.000 See, but if you're into Jeet Kune Do, you're essentially into MMA. Because Jeet Kune Do was Bruce Lee's style.

01:07:35.000 And the style that Bruce Lee always preached was use whatever is useful.

01:07:42.000 Learn everything.

01:07:44.000 Learn whatever is useful, whether it's boxing.

01:07:46.000 I mean, he wrote a book, The Tao of Jeet Kune Do, Copy techniques of how to throw punches correctly from old boxing manuals.

01:07:54.000 He was just sort of documenting all the stuff that we know works.

01:07:58.000 And he had some unique ideas, Bruce Lee did, that to this day are starting to be adopted by people.

01:08:04.000 Like Bruce Lee was one of the first guys to say that you should lead with your strong hand.

01:08:10.000 Because in boxing, you always lead with your jab and then your power hand is your strong hand.

01:08:16.000 Which you throw less of.

01:08:18.000 And Bruce Lee said that doesn't make any sense.

01:08:20.000 You should throw more punches with your dominant hand.

01:08:23.000 The jab and the hooks are more frequent, so you should lead with your more dominant hand.

01:08:28.000 And then boxers started doing that.

01:08:30.000 Oscar De La Hoya did that.

01:08:32.000 There's quite a few boxers today that do that.

01:08:34.000 I don't know if Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. does it.

01:08:37.000 Andre Ward does it.

01:08:39.000 Shad Dawson does it.

01:08:40.000 It's really interesting, man.

01:08:41.000 There's a lot of fighters that do that now. 1.00

01:08:43.000 So Bruce Lee predicted this shit. 0.99

01:08:45.000 Like, way back deep in the 70s. 0.99

01:08:47.000 So when you say that a guy like Eric Paulson's a Jeet Kune Do guy, like anybody who's smart is really a Jeet Kune Do guy.

01:08:52.000 Because Jeet Kune Do is just like, it's figure it all out, pull it all together. 0.98

01:08:56.000 You know, kicking from Muay Thai, you know, punches from karate, this hook from boxing, this is a double leg takedown, that's from wrestling.

01:09:04.000 Here's a headlock, that comes from, you know, whatever, catch wrestling.

01:09:08.000 And he was doing, like, arm bars and shit in movies, like, way back then. 0.89

01:09:13.000 Guys were tapping out. 0.97

01:09:13.000 That's how he tapped out Sam Moe. 0.97

01:09:15.000 It's funny, last night I was watching Pettis against Joe Lozon when he knocked him out with a kick.

01:09:21.000 And you said, you know, that they were talking about Taekwondo, Black Bell, him, and so was Duke.

01:09:27.000 Yes. 0.98

01:09:27.000 Well, I'm going to see Friday, Duke Adams, Chael Sonnen, Friday, Duke motherfucking Rufus. 0.98

01:09:32.000 Where are you at this weekend? 0.92

01:09:33.000 Germantown.

01:09:33.000 I'm going to see Germantown on Friday in Milwaukee.

01:09:35.000 Where are you?

01:09:35.000 Milwaukee?

01:09:36.000 Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

01:09:37.000 Go to Brown Paper Tickets.

01:09:38.000 And Thursday, I'm in Madison, Wisconsin at Brown Paper Tickets.

01:09:42.000 So Wednesday, Milwaukee?

01:09:43.000 Thursday, Milwaukee, the 20th.

01:09:45.000 And Friday, Milwaukee.

01:09:47.000 So Thursday, Madison.

01:09:48.000 Friday, Milwaukee. 0.94

01:09:50.000 And my brother, Dead Squad, bad motherfucker, Stan Hope, will be in Appleton, Wisconsin, an hour from me. 0.99

01:09:56.000 So this is all happening Thursday night, the 20th, where I'm in Madison with Duncan Trussell, brown paper tickets, and your brother Doug Stanhope is an hour up the road, so that state will be all fucked up. 0.99

01:10:07.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:10:07.000 He's up there for the weekend.

01:10:08.000 There were still tickets available for Stanhope.

01:10:10.000 I did see that.

01:10:11.000 And then tomorrow night, I'm in Milwaukee.

01:10:13.000 I'll see my man Chael Sonnen's flying in to Duke Rufus's, and I'm going to go over and see him in the afternoon.

01:10:20.000 And then...

01:10:21.000 Stanhope is up in Appleton the rest of the weekend.

01:10:23.000 Tickets are still available to Skyline Comedy Club.

01:10:26.000 He's a good man.

01:10:26.000 Let's give some plugs.

01:10:28.000 Rogan is in Toronto.

01:10:30.000 Yeah, Brian, we've got to change the background to my Twitter page.

01:10:33.000 Can we do that?

01:10:33.000 Because it's still got April on there.

01:10:36.000 It's got March, April, and July is the last one from Calgary.

01:10:41.000 That's the last one.

01:10:42.000 You're talking about Ustream.

01:10:43.000 Oh, did I say Twitter?

01:10:44.000 Sorry, Ustream.

01:10:45.000 Yeah, Ustream.

01:10:46.000 Somebody started doing it and then they just stopped.

01:10:49.000 Somebody else was doing it.

01:10:50.000 Someone else there that works there, right?

01:10:52.000 Yeah, because it says, follow Joe and get notified every time he goes live.

01:10:55.000 I never put that up on anything.

01:10:57.000 So yeah, we got a good weekend then.

01:10:59.000 I think Ari's in Toronto. 0.99

01:11:01.000 Check this out.

01:11:03.000 NBCLA just tweeted that American Airlines has canceled over 300 flights this week.

01:11:09.000 What?

01:11:09.000 So I don't know why they canceled them, but if you're flying American or American Eagle, you might want to shut that up.

01:11:15.000 I'm American Airways tomorrow morning. 0.98

01:11:17.000 What the fuck is that about? 0.99

01:11:18.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:11:18.000 They just tweeted it. 0.99

01:11:20.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:11:21.000 But they haven't said why. 1.00

01:11:22.000 I don't know if the planes are all fucked. 1.00

01:11:24.000 God. 1.00

01:11:25.000 That means I'm not going to fucking Madison tomorrow. 0.99

01:11:28.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:11:29.000 Oh my god.

01:11:30.000 You gotta find out if your thing is still good.

01:11:32.000 I gotta get out of here.

01:11:33.000 I'm going to Toronto this weekend. 1.00

01:11:35.000 There better not be some fucking terrorist attacks. 1.00

01:11:37.000 You're not American Airlines, are you? 1.00

01:11:38.000 No, no, no.

01:11:39.000 Oh, by the way, the end of the world show, the tickets will go on sale on September the 28th.

01:11:45.000 So that's nine days from today.

01:11:47.000 And that is going to...

01:11:48.000 Is that right?

01:11:49.000 Is that right?

01:11:50.000 Yes.

01:11:51.000 September 28th, it'll be Joe Diaz, Doug Stanhope, Honey Honey, and me. 0.95

01:11:58.000 And it's going to be a fucking festival, a celebration of the end of history, which we don't really think is going to happen. 0.89

01:12:06.000 It's not really the end of the world. 0.98

01:12:07.000 We just want to have a good time.

01:12:09.000 So we thought it'd be fun to put on like a super show.

01:12:12.000 So it'll be Honey Honey will go up and they'll do some songs first.

01:12:16.000 And then it'll be a show with Diaz, Stanhope, and myself. 0.98

01:12:18.000 And we're going to have a fucking blast. 0.94

01:12:20.000 We can't wait to do it. 0.98

01:12:21.000 Just an opportunity to do something like this on a regular basis in LA. Because we don't do too many shows in LA. We do a lot out here in Pasadena.

01:12:29.000 And this one's going to be fun.

01:12:30.000 So that's going to be September 28th.

01:12:33.000 Those tickets go on sale.

01:12:34.000 And what shows are you and I doing together?

01:12:38.000 Arizona.

01:12:39.000 Oh, that's right.

01:12:40.000 We're doing Arizona.

01:12:41.000 Arizona and Minneapolis, October 19th.

01:12:44.000 Brendan Walsh is out for Arizona, man.

01:12:47.000 Why?

01:12:47.000 I don't know.

01:12:48.000 He booked something else.

01:12:49.000 So Ari Shafir's coming.

01:12:50.000 I thought Ari Shafir's doing something else.

01:12:52.000 No, Ari Shafir's coming.

01:12:53.000 He is?

01:12:54.000 Or Red Band or Duncan.

01:12:55.000 Somebody else could come.

01:12:56.000 I'll come.

01:12:57.000 Well, we have to find out.

01:12:58.000 Yeah, we have to find out.

01:12:59.000 No one else is booked.

01:13:00.000 Who else is booked?

01:13:01.000 No, Shafir lost that weekend.

01:13:03.000 He did?

01:13:03.000 Yeah.

01:13:04.000 When did he lose that weekend?

01:13:04.000 He said he forgot.

01:13:05.000 You forgot that you had given it to Brendan or something.

01:13:08.000 What?

01:13:08.000 No way.

01:13:09.000 That's crazy. 1.00

01:13:09.000 He's crazy. 1.00

01:13:10.000 Something happened, because I asked him, are you going to go to Arizona?

01:13:12.000 Because I've seen Brendan Welsh, and he goes, no, I think he has Brendan first or something, so he didn't know.

01:13:18.000 He called Chandra.

01:13:18.000 I don't know what happened.

01:13:20.000 I don't know.

01:13:20.000 That doesn't make sense to me.

01:13:21.000 But that's good.

01:13:22.000 That's good.

01:13:22.000 We'll figure it out.

01:13:23.000 Well, either way, October, you and I are going to be there.

01:13:26.000 Other people will be there.

01:13:27.000 Most likely, Brian will be there, too.

01:13:29.000 Did you call CAA Collect? 0.99

01:13:31.000 Collect, bitches. 1.00

01:13:33.000 What's CAA? He doesn't even know what CAA is. 1.00

01:13:36.000 I just fucked it up in Sacramento. 1.00

01:13:39.000 I want to know if you guys are interested in fucking hanging. 0.99

01:13:42.000 Someone's saying that the pilot thing is a pilot strike from American Airlines. 0.99

01:13:48.000 That's what's going on.

01:13:48.000 It says American Airlines and American Eagle said they will cancel 300 flights this week to cope with the high number of pilots reporting sick and an increase in maintenance reports filed by crews.

01:13:58.000 They're shutting them down the old-fashioned way. 1.00

01:14:01.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:14:01.000 Sit outside, go to the hospital, get an MRI. Didn't you say you had a headache, motherfuckers? 1.00

01:14:07.000 Yeah, whoopsies. 1.00

01:14:09.000 They've already canceled 249 flights this week, 300 by the end. 1.00

01:14:13.000 I heard they get paid shit. 0.99

01:14:14.000 I heard that pilots, that it's like a really tough job to get by with. 1.00

01:14:20.000 They don't make good money.

01:14:21.000 You think they would, but they don't, apparently.

01:14:24.000 Yeah, I don't know. 0.99

01:14:25.000 Fucking tough job, man. 0.99

01:14:26.000 Flying a whole fucking tube full of souls through the air. 1.00

01:14:30.000 Constantly. 0.99

01:14:31.000 Because just because we get off the plane don't mean their afternoon is done. 0.98

01:14:34.000 They gotta follow through and go to San Francisco or fucking Baltimore or some hellhole, you know, on the other way. 0.95

01:14:40.000 And it's the other way, too. 0.98

01:14:41.000 Yeah, and some of them don't get much sleep, either. 0.95

01:14:43.000 That scares the shit out of me. 0.98

01:14:44.000 That scares the shit out of you. 0.99

01:14:45.000 Sleep on the plane. 0.96

01:14:46.000 What, like a 12-hour turnaround or something like that?

01:14:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:48.000 12-hour turnaround.

01:14:49.000 And let's say they go back to the room where you've never had insomnia.

01:14:52.000 Oh, oh. 1.00

01:14:52.000 I've had fucking insomnia like a motherfucker. 1.00

01:14:55.000 So they probably take Ambien. 1.00

01:14:57.000 So they're all fucking Ambien'd out. 0.96

01:14:59.000 I've known dudes who take Ambien. 0.99

01:15:00.000 They all of a sudden get real squirrely with reality.

01:15:03.000 Reality becomes a little slippery dolphin on them.

01:15:06.000 You know?

01:15:06.000 Do you know the dudes?

01:15:07.000 Have you ever known anybody that needs that shit? 1.00

01:15:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:10.000 Yeah, well, you don't want to. 1.00

01:15:12.000 When someone needs that Ambien shit. 1.00

01:15:14.000 And that's all I needed. 1.00

01:15:15.000 I did one of those. 0.98

01:15:17.000 I did a fucking 16th of those things Rush Limbaugh was on. 0.99

01:15:20.000 I did a 16th. 0.99

01:15:22.000 I did a pill, cut in half, cut in half again, cut in half again.

01:15:25.000 It was an eighth or a sixteenth of an Oxycontin.

01:15:28.000 Really?

01:15:28.000 That a friend of mine gave me.

01:15:29.000 I had to lay down.

01:15:30.000 Never again.

01:15:31.000 My blood pressure dropped. 1.00

01:15:32.000 Wasn't Rush doing like a hundred of those bitches? 1.00

01:15:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:15:35.000 When I thought about that, my heart went out to him.

01:15:38.000 I think it was a hundred.

01:15:39.000 It was fifty a day he was doing.

01:15:40.000 Was it?

01:15:41.000 No, I ate an eighth. 0.98

01:15:43.000 And it was fucking mind-boggling what I felt like, how bad I felt like. 1.00

01:15:47.000 That just crushes your body, that fucking synthetic heroin. 1.00

01:15:50.000 Yeah, and that's, like, one of the biggest problems we have in this fucking country. 1.00

01:15:54.000 That's one of the biggest problems we have in this country. 1.00

01:15:57.000 That fucking synthetic heroin will kill you, dog. 1.00

01:15:59.000 You'll start pissing fucking green and shit like that. 1.00

01:16:02.000 Yeah, I guess he got up to 30 pills a day, this one is saying? 1.00

01:16:05.000 I swore I read that at one point in time...

01:16:08.000 I thought it was 50. I thought I read 50. That's fucking crazy.

01:16:11.000 That's two a pop. 1.00

01:16:12.000 That's 25 times a day he would pop two of them if he popped 50. Yeah, his housekeeper got busted buying them for him.

01:16:20.000 He sent her out to go buy pills for him.

01:16:24.000 And she said he took as many as 30 Oxycontins a day.

01:16:28.000 So I don't know.

01:16:29.000 I don't know if she's right. 0.78

01:16:31.000 She could be crazy.

01:16:31.000 I don't know her.

01:16:33.000 You can't just listen to someone that says that. 1.00

01:16:37.000 But those people that take that shit, that and Ambien is another one that's a scary one. 1.00

01:16:44.000 I used to sell Valium when I first got divorced in Colorado. 1.00

01:16:47.000 And in Colorado, there's real Valiums with a V in them. 0.99

01:16:50.000 Not these motherfucking things they're making now. 0.98

01:16:52.000 What's the difference? 0.99

01:16:53.000 Those 5s and those 10s with the V in the middle, where the V was cut out.

01:16:58.000 What do they do?

01:16:59.000 Valiums just puts you on another planet.

01:17:01.000 So I used them as to come down from something.

01:17:03.000 You know, you're doing eight ball of coke, it's seven in the morning.

01:17:06.000 You gotta come down and you're gonna be watching daytime television until lunchtime. 1.00

01:17:09.000 You wanna get your dick sucked, you know, so you eat Valium. 1.00

01:17:11.000 And then you chill out. 1.00

01:17:12.000 I remember one time in Beaumont, man, I OD'd on him. 1.00

01:17:15.000 I ate 30 of those motherfuckers in three days. 1.00

01:17:17.000 This is in 2006. I had to stay in Houston for four days at the Intercontinental. 0.99

01:17:21.000 I couldn't even talk on the phone to people.

01:17:23.000 People called me.

01:17:24.000 I know much.

01:17:25.000 What year was this?

01:17:26.000 This is 2005 or 6 after the longest shot.

01:17:29.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:17:29.000 I went to Houston and I wanted these fucking pills. 1.00

01:17:32.000 And the kids were like, we ain't got them, but we got Valium. 1.00

01:17:34.000 I said, give me the fucking Valiums. 1.00

01:17:35.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:17:36.000 I was in Beaumont, Texas. 1.00

01:17:37.000 The home of, what's her name?

01:17:39.000 Bobby McGee. 1.00

01:17:41.000 What was her fucking name? 1.00

01:17:42.000 The girl who used to come to the comedy store? 1.00

01:17:43.000 No, what's the fucking cool girl? 0.98

01:17:45.000 The one that said Bobby McGee. 0.99

01:17:46.000 What's her name?

01:17:47.000 Me and Bobby McGee.

01:17:48.000 From the Kentucky Cowmans. 1.00

01:17:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:51.000 She's from Beaumont.

01:17:52.000 That's where her little museum is at. 0.94

01:17:53.000 Kelly Curtis.

01:17:55.000 So Slade Hamm had a room in Beaumont. 0.99

01:17:57.000 I get there on a Thursday, I'm looking for blow and shit. 0.99

01:17:59.000 Bro, we ain't got no blow, we got Valium. 0.99

01:18:00.000 Janice Joplin, for anybody who wants to know. 0.99

01:18:02.000 I said, what the fuck? 1.00

01:18:03.000 Give me the fucking 30 Valiums. 1.00

01:18:04.000 I go, I'll eat two or three of them. 1.00

01:18:05.000 I'll bring the rest to LA and give them out.

01:18:07.000 I know a friend who likes Valium. 0.99

01:18:08.000 And as soon as you shoot them, you hear...

01:18:13.000 The first night I ate two, the second night I ate two.

01:18:17.000 The next day I didn't have reefer so I popped one for lunch. 0.99

01:18:20.000 That night I went to the club and I started drinking them with fucking Jägermeisters. 1.00

01:18:24.000 Now what people don't know about Valiums is they sit in your fucking fat. 1.00

01:18:27.000 So you eat a 10-point milligram Valium, five of it goes into your body, the other five goes into your fucking fat. 0.99

01:18:34.000 So what happens is the next day when you wake up and you drink your water thinking you're all healthy, and you hit that fucking one hit of a joint, that Valium kicks right back up again. 0.99

01:18:42.000 But what do you do? 0.98

01:18:43.000 You put a 10 inside of you. 0.99

01:18:45.000 So now you got the five that you pop and the five that's motherfucking lurking in there. 0.98

01:18:50.000 So now you're popping these every day. 1.00

01:18:52.000 That's why I love when the people tell me they eat Valiums because this shit just pops up in your fat. 1.00

01:18:56.000 You will never get that out of here. 1.00

01:18:57.000 People eat Valiums, 50% of them will go to the fucking gym. 1.00

01:19:01.000 So that just sits in your fat. 1.00

01:19:02.000 So every time you touch alcohol, you smoke a cigarette or smoke a Valium, it just kicks that shit back into your system and shit. 1.00

01:19:08.000 It's amazing until it just piles up. 1.00

01:19:10.000 So I bought 30 of them.

01:19:12.000 Dirty.

01:19:13.000 It was a Thursday night at 11 when I got him.

01:19:16.000 The first night I popped one.

01:19:17.000 The next day I popped one.

01:19:19.000 That night I popped two or three of them.

01:19:20.000 Drank Jager by Saturday.

01:19:22.000 I popped two in the afternoon.

01:19:23.000 I couldn't fall asleep.

01:19:25.000 I went to the club.

01:19:26.000 And at the club I had a brown bag.

01:19:28.000 I didn't even know what was in there.

01:19:29.000 It wasn't like in a weed container.

01:19:31.000 And I just kept popping up.

01:19:33.000 Drinking Jägermeister.

01:19:34.000 The second show I had to do on a stool.

01:19:37.000 And the management knew I was whacked out.

01:19:41.000 They pay me my money, I buy an eight ball.

01:19:43.000 And some chick gives me a number. 1.00

01:19:45.000 But in the fucking dilemma, I didn't give a fuck if she had a boyfriend. 1.00

01:19:48.000 She told me she had to go home, wait for the boyfriend. 1.00

01:19:50.000 I went home by myself and did the fucking eight ball. 1.00

01:19:53.000 Called the dealer. 1.00

01:19:54.000 And then call the chick, and she's like, I'm ready to come over and suck your dick now. 1.00

01:19:57.000 She comes over, the dealer comes over, I leave with him, and he takes me deep into the Beaumont motherfucking caribou down there. 1.00

01:20:07.000 To some Christians, guys, some good old Christians that were selling some cocaine straight from fucking Noriega's stash. 1.00

01:20:13.000 Four in the morning, my jaw. 1.00

01:20:15.000 We're driving back. 0.99

01:20:16.000 I'm fucking paranoid. 0.99

01:20:17.000 We're going to get pulled over. 0.99

01:20:18.000 I get back to the hotel.

01:20:20.000 Sunday, Saturday night.

01:20:21.000 It was Saturday going into Sunday.

01:20:23.000 My flight southwest was leaving at like 9 from Houston.

01:20:27.000 I had a stoke.

01:20:27.000 I was getting picked up at 6.30.

01:20:29.000 It's 4 or 5. I pick up another 8. I go back to the room.

01:20:32.000 The chick shows up. 1.00

01:20:33.000 She sucks my dick one time, but it was so dead. 1.00

01:20:37.000 It was way beyond dead. 1.00

01:20:38.000 It was dead. 1.00

01:20:39.000 No, Houdini, if ten chicks from the room sucking their fingers up my ass, alpha brain, nothing, nothing, nothing. 1.00

01:20:45.000 Any of those pills. 1.00

01:20:47.000 I was going straight on blow for five, six hours plus the amount of volumes I had, dog.

01:20:52.000 At eight o'clock in the morning, the cocaine was gone. 0.98

01:20:54.000 She was all sucked up. 1.00

01:20:55.000 She was laying in one bed. 0.95

01:20:56.000 You know those hotels that have two beds?

01:20:58.000 Yes.

01:20:58.000 I went to get the brown paper bag and stick my hand there.

01:21:01.000 There was nothing in there.

01:21:03.000 I flipped the bag over.

01:21:04.000 Nothing.

01:21:05.000 Here I am, John. 0.99

01:21:06.000 I ate 30 fucking Valium in three days. 0.99

01:21:09.000 I couldn't fucking believe it. 1.00

01:21:11.000 I drank a bunch of water and went to sleep. 0.98

01:21:14.000 It's Sunday, maybe 10 o'clock.

01:21:16.000 I go to sleep. 1.00

01:21:17.000 I'm trying to fuck her at this point. 1.00

01:21:18.000 My dick is flat. 1.00

01:21:19.000 It's got blood on it. 1.00

01:21:22.000 I'm scratching it from trying to whack off in the bathroom.

01:21:24.000 I'm sniffing her underwear.

01:21:25.000 I'm sniffing her bra. 1.00

01:21:27.000 I'm sniffing her fucking feet. 1.00

01:21:28.000 I'm trying to bang out something. 1.00

01:21:30.000 Because you need to bang something out to fall asleep, right? 0.99

01:21:33.000 Because you're fucking all jacked up. 0.99

01:21:34.000 I'm trying to bang one out. 1.00

01:21:36.000 Next thing you know Doug, I swear to God.

01:21:37.000 I hear boom boom, boom boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:21:41.000 I'm under bed.

01:21:42.000 I must have jerked myself off to sleep, whatever, because I went back, and she was in the other bed.

01:21:46.000 That's how coked up I was. 0.99

01:21:47.000 It was a naked lady, but I was jerking her off. 1.00

01:21:50.000 That's the disease and the pills. 0.99

01:21:52.000 I couldn't even wake her up no more.

01:21:53.000 She's like, you're not going to get it hard.

01:21:54.000 Don't wake me up no more. 1.00

01:21:55.000 My dick was flat. 0.99

01:21:56.000 It had scratches from me trying to whack it off. 0.99

01:21:59.000 It was all small.

01:22:00.000 Only the helmet comes out, and you got to start from scratch.

01:22:02.000 So all you're whacking off, you got to work it, work it, work it.

01:22:05.000 And all of a sudden it just dies.

01:22:07.000 You think of your uncle playing baseball with your son and it dies.

01:22:10.000 So now, Joe Rogan, this was horrible.

01:22:13.000 I hit boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:22:15.000 But like the feds or something.

01:22:16.000 I open up my eyes, I look at the clock.

01:22:18.000 It's 1 o'clock.

01:22:19.000 The kid came at 7 to pick me up.

01:22:21.000 I didn't pick up the phone.

01:22:22.000 They knocked.

01:22:23.000 I didn't hear it.

01:22:24.000 I guess the chick woke up and left. 1.00

01:22:25.000 I woke up.

01:22:26.000 It was the hotel manager.

01:22:27.000 He goes, are you staying another night?

01:22:28.000 I'm like, yeah.

01:22:30.000 And he goes, I need payment.

01:22:31.000 And I just went in my pocket and gave him like a $100 bill.

01:22:33.000 I go, keep the change.

01:22:34.000 I went right back to sleep.

01:22:36.000 I woke up the next Monday.

01:22:38.000 I slept straight.

01:22:39.000 24 hours.

01:22:39.000 I slept straight until Monday morning at 8. I called my friend who was an attorney to come to Beaumont and pick me up.

01:22:45.000 And he goes, you're going to make your flight?

01:22:47.000 No.

01:22:47.000 I didn't even call Southwest.

01:22:49.000 I had to buy another plane ticket.

01:22:51.000 So I just said, I drove with him.

01:22:53.000 I went and got a big Mexican meal.

01:22:55.000 I was dehydrated, everything.

01:22:57.000 And I went and got another big Mexican meal, and then he goes, what do you want to do?

01:23:00.000 You want to go to my house?

01:23:01.000 And I said, no.

01:23:02.000 Take me to the Intercontinental.

01:23:03.000 Pete had a deal over there for like 60 a night before Felipe fucked it up.

01:23:07.000 So I stayed in there for three days.

01:23:09.000 How'd Felipe fuck it up? 1.00

01:23:10.000 He got fucked up with a chick that had a dick and a pussy. 1.00

01:23:13.000 She had a pussy, and instead of calling her, her name was Nikki. 1.00

01:23:16.000 He kept calling her Tricky, because she had a dick and a pussy. 1.00

01:23:19.000 But anyway, back to the situation. 1.00

01:23:21.000 I got to that hotel Monday.

01:23:23.000 I lived off room service.

01:23:25.000 The money I made in Beaumont, I had to call Terry to send me like the credit card number.

01:23:29.000 I had eaten it because all I could do was eat to refuel.

01:23:33.000 I couldn't even talk to nobody.

01:23:34.000 My agents were calling me, where are you?

01:23:36.000 They want to see you.

01:23:37.000 I would call people and I couldn't, this side of my face wasn't moving though.

01:23:42.000 Wow.

01:23:45.000 You know when you go to the dentist and your face is dead?

01:23:49.000 That's how bad I was. 0.99

01:23:50.000 I didn't make it out of fucking Houston till Thursday. 0.98

01:23:53.000 Took me five days and that's the last time I basically ate a pill. 0.98

01:23:56.000 That's why after that I knew something had to be done.

01:23:59.000 Matters had to be taken.

01:24:00.000 I gotta boogie out of here.

01:24:01.000 Let's get out of here.

01:24:03.000 Powerful Mad Flavor.

01:24:04.000 Listen, there's a dude who's got your name.

01:24:07.000 It's Joel on Twitter.

01:24:09.000 So you don't have Mad Flavor.

01:24:11.000 You don't have Joey Diaz.

01:24:12.000 You gotta get Joey Diaz.

01:24:13.000 We need to figure out how to get that.

01:24:14.000 If anybody knows how to do that, contact me.

01:24:17.000 It's ridiculous that some dude named Joel is running around out there with Joey Diaz's name.

01:24:22.000 We need to have Joey Diaz be Joey Diaz on Twitter. 0.97

01:24:24.000 Mad Flavor is too goddamn obscure. 0.97

01:24:26.000 It's confusing the fuck out of people. 0.98

01:24:28.000 Right?

01:24:29.000 Am I right, Brian?

01:24:30.000 I think Joey Diaz would be definitely better.

01:24:32.000 It's better, right?

01:24:33.000 I like Mad Flavor.

01:24:34.000 I love Mad Flavor.

01:24:35.000 Planet Rock even.

01:24:36.000 Joey Planet Rock Diaz.

01:24:38.000 Remember when you were Planet Rock?

01:24:39.000 Bro, I'm still Planet Rock.

01:24:41.000 Whatever mind frame you're in, brother.

01:24:43.000 Great to see you.

01:24:43.000 Great to see you too, man.

01:24:45.000 I love you, man.

01:24:45.000 I love you to death.

01:24:46.000 I wanted to come up here.

01:24:47.000 I haven't had an intimate one in a while, but two more weeks and we'll come up and do one to five and really get down on music.

01:24:53.000 Yeah, let's get down.

01:24:54.000 We'll argue.

01:24:54.000 We'll talk about the Martians.

01:24:56.000 Whatever the fuck you want to talk about. 1.00

01:24:58.000 Red's dressing. 1.00

01:25:00.000 People still send me.

01:25:01.000 I love you guys, by the way.

01:25:02.000 I love the guys that still come to me and they say, I went to this restaurant and I asked her and she didn't have it, so we left and they take a picture of the menu.

01:25:10.000 People actually...

01:25:11.000 So thank you very much for all the love you give me, Ben. 1.00

01:25:13.000 I love you, motherfuckers. 1.00

01:25:14.000 Thanks to whoever the fuck that sculptor is that made the sculpture of the werewolf fucking the gorilla in the ass. 1.00

01:25:20.000 Whoever you are out there, masked man, you did a fucking amazing job. 1.00

01:25:24.000 That thing is wicked. 0.99

01:25:25.000 It'll be up in the new studio.

01:25:27.000 And thanks to Onnit.com for sponsoring the show.

01:25:30.000 Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the killed name Rogan and you'll save 10% off any and all supplements.

01:25:35.000 And Desquad.tv for all your...

01:25:38.000 Kitty cat t-shirt needs. 0.97

01:25:40.000 Hypno.

01:25:41.000 Or shopsquad.tv.

01:25:43.000 Yeah, either. 1.00

01:25:43.000 Well, just, you know, you know how to find it, bitch. 1.00

01:25:45.000 I'll see you in Madison tomorrow night, cocksuckers. 1.00

01:25:47.000 We'll see you tonight at the Ice House. 0.91

01:25:49.000 Joey's going to be here tonight.

01:25:50.000 It's Joey, Dom Herrera, Doug Benson, Greg Fitzsimmons, Ari Shafir, Brian Redman.

01:25:56.000 It's going to be stacked. 0.99

01:25:57.000 It's a crazy, crazy fucking show. 1.00

01:25:58.000 The Flying Jew is coming too, Shafir? 1.00

01:25:59.000 The Flying Jew is coming! 0.99

01:26:01.000 Yeah, Segura had to cancel last minute, and Shafir snuck in and took his spot.

01:26:06.000 So, boom!

01:26:06.000 Done, son.

01:26:07.000 See ya.

01:26:08.000 Goodbye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 20, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #268 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript