The Joe Rogan Experience - January 02, 2013


Joe Rogan Experience #305 - Bert Kreischer (Part 2)

Topics
growing up with young mother Tough Crowd podcast Happy documentary communication difficulties conflict minerals
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Bert Kreischer
Mentioned
Brian Redband Bert Kreischer Bert Bert Bert Greg Giraldo Lenny Clark Dave Foley Greg Geraldo Nick DiPaolo Bert Kreischer Dennis Leary Tom Rhodes Buddha Aaron Della Vadova Machine Vodka Bobby Kelly Maura Death Squad Ohio Sandra Bullock Michelle McGee Les Miserables Jesus Christ and 67 more
Joe Rogan Experience #304 - Andrew Dice Clay Joe Rogan Experience #308 - Steve Volk

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 13 minutes

Words per minute

194.81

Word count

14,325

Sentence count

1,731

Harmful content

Misogyny

63

sentences flagged

Toxicity

635

sentences flagged

Hate speech

57

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, the boys talk about their favorite movies and tv shows, Thor getting a haircut, and how to get a tattoo. Also, we talk about how much we love Bert Kreischer and why he should shave his hair. We also talk about the new Death Squad movie and how it's going to take over the world. And of course, we get into a little bit of everything else. Enjoy the episode and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on your favorite streaming platform so you never miss an episode! Don t forget to leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts! If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE so we can keep giving you the best reviews and the most honest and unfiltered reviews we can get. Thank you so much for being a part of this community and supporting us. We really appreciate it. Love ya, bye! -The boys. -Jon Soraya & Brian Enjoy! Jon & Matt Jon Mike Ben Jake Chad Chris Jason Michael Sam Jack Evan Andrew Matthew Will Cassiopeia Justin Kevin Joe David Tyler John Nick Brad Brandon Alex Kelsi Daniel Brian Burt Tim Chels James Ian Patrick Jared Christian Bobby Carl Austin Zach Connor Jordan Cody BOB Emily Dan Julian Josh Jeff Alyssa Shane Ty Tom Canfield Luke Thanks to our first episode of the first episode, & much more! We hope you enjoy it! And we hope you all enjoy it more than you can relate to it, we are not just because it's funny, but it's not too funny, it's just like that it's so good, not too good, but funny, not funny, and it's more like it's good enough, so it's better than that's gonna get better than the good, we can be more like that, we're not going to make it like that in the next one?

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 I would maybe, I would maybe do...
00:00:01.000 Hold on a second.
00:00:03.000 Don't say a word.
00:00:05.000 Don't say a word.
00:00:07.000 Don't say a word. 1.00
00:00:08.000 Don't say a word until this bitch gets crackin', Bert Kreischer. 1.00
00:00:13.000 Train by day. 1.00
00:00:14.000 Bert Kreischer.
00:00:16.000 Bert Kreischer, I want you to keep it together.
00:00:18.000 I want you to hold on.
00:00:19.000 I'm holding on. 0.99
00:00:20.000 I want you to realize this is a goddamn commercial-free podcast. 0.98
00:00:24.000 Exceptional edition. 0.99
00:00:25.000 This is an except...
00:00:26.000 The podcast was so good, it cannot be stopped.
00:00:29.000 For the greater good of Shiva or Odin or Thor or Cassiopeia.
00:00:36.000 Did anybody ever worship Cassiopeia?
00:00:37.000 Is that the watch? 1.00
00:00:38.000 Some chick, some dude probably wanted to fuck and he got all exaggerated with how hot she was. 1.00
00:00:44.000 Named her a fucking consolation or some shit. 1.00
00:00:47.000 What a great Cassiopeia. 1.00
00:00:47.000 I bet her website's available. 1.00
00:00:49.000 Cassiopeia.com. 1.00
00:00:49.000 How good does your pussy have to be before they name a consolation after it? 1.00
00:00:53.000 Not even like a tree. 1.00
00:00:54.000 Not a rock.
00:00:55.000 Not a mountain.
00:00:56.000 No, a series of nuclear explosions in the middle of the universe.
00:01:01.000 Why haven't they rebooted Thor and he got a haircut yet? 0.99
00:01:04.000 Because Thor doesn't need a fucking haircut. 1.00
00:01:07.000 He's dope. 1.00
00:01:07.000 Don't be hatin'. 1.00
00:01:09.000 Listen, Brian, you have a full head of hair.
00:01:11.000 You shouldn't be hatin' because I have almost zero hair and I'm not hatin', okay?
00:01:15.000 It's a matter of time before I shave my head.
00:01:17.000 It's your issues.
00:01:18.000 You should do it.
00:01:18.000 I sprinkle the hair in now.
00:01:20.000 You sprinkle it?
00:01:21.000 Yeah, I sprinkle it still.
00:01:23.000 Dude, shaving your head is a beautiful feeling.
00:01:26.000 Is it?
00:01:26.000 Do it.
00:01:27.000 Just do it.
00:01:27.000 Trust me.
00:01:28.000 Just do it once. 0.99
00:01:29.000 You obviously don't give a fuck about your body. 0.99
00:01:32.000 Let's be realistic. 0.99
00:01:34.000 He's been working out a lot lately.
00:01:37.000 Let's be honest.
00:01:39.000 You know I love you.
00:01:40.000 But let's be honest.
00:01:41.000 If you were entering into a bodybuilding contest, I would say, this guy does not want to win.
00:01:44.000 Okay?
00:01:45.000 He is not trying to win Sexiest Man.
00:01:47.000 I don't even look good in Europe in a Speedo.
00:01:49.000 You're not even trying!
00:01:50.000 You're not even trying!
00:01:57.000 Not that there's anything wrong with that, but let's be honest about our paths in this life, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99
00:02:03.000 So, Death Squad Scotland and Death Squad Ohio are losing their fucking minds because they're, uh... 0.99
00:02:09.000 I told you to stop communicating with those people. 0.99
00:02:11.000 You don't know them.
00:02:11.000 You have not vetted them, sir.
00:02:13.000 I know Death Squad Ohio.
00:02:14.000 They're awesome.
00:02:14.000 You say you know.
00:02:15.000 No, Brian does know them. 1.00
00:02:17.000 Goddammit, none of you motherfuckers have a proper filter in place. 1.00
00:02:20.000 We need to fucking set up some scientific checks and balances, much like the CIA uses. 1.00
00:02:25.000 If this, uh... 0.96
00:02:26.000 You can't just decide. 1.00
00:02:27.000 You can let some motherfucker send you some whiskey. 1.00
00:02:30.000 Oh, I can't believe... 1.00
00:02:31.000 That coconut...
00:02:31.000 We have a refrigerator here at Higher Private Studios.
00:02:34.000 Full of coconut water. 0.98
00:02:34.000 We're so not fucking around, ladies and gentlemen. 0.98
00:02:37.000 Okay? 0.97
00:02:37.000 We're taking this to the next level, Bert Kreischer. 0.97
00:02:39.000 Do you see what we're doing here?
00:02:40.000 This is... 1.00
00:02:41.000 I got my own Buddha up in this bitch. 1.00
00:02:42.000 I got a fucking care package from Onnit. 1.00
00:02:44.000 Yeah, you got a care package from Onnit, and we got the Buddha responsible for my tattoo. 0.99
00:02:49.000 Oh, is that the Buddha? 1.00
00:02:50.000 He's an asshole. 1.00
00:02:52.000 He's like, hi guys, I'm here. 1.00
00:02:53.000 Are you done with tattoos?
00:02:55.000 I'm going to fill in my right arm. 1.00
00:02:57.000 Can you see that shit? 0.99
00:02:58.000 Your right arm? 1.00
00:02:59.000 That is the same Buddha.
00:03:03.000 The guy who did my arm, first of all, he's a beautiful artist. 0.99
00:03:06.000 And he's a cool motherfucker. 0.97
00:03:08.000 His name's Aaron Della Vadova, and he works at Guru Tattoo in San Diego. 0.99
00:03:12.000 I would get tattooed just to hang out with that dude.
00:03:15.000 He's so cool.
00:03:17.000 He's a real...
00:03:18.000 He's a real artist.
00:03:20.000 He has really cool paintings.
00:03:22.000 I love his point of view.
00:03:25.000 It's so uniquely his own.
00:03:27.000 Do you remember that guy that was Jesse James, rather, who was married to Sandra Bullock?
00:03:32.000 Remember he had that affair with some girl with tattoos all over her body?
00:03:36.000 With the swastika tattoo on her forehead.
00:03:37.000 Well, I saw...
00:03:37.000 No, no, no.
00:03:38.000 She didn't have that.
00:03:39.000 Yeah, she did.
00:03:40.000 No, no, no.
00:03:41.000 It was not a swastika.
00:03:42.000 White power. 0.98
00:03:43.000 No, no, no, no.
00:03:43.000 No, she did.
00:03:44.000 No, she did.
00:03:45.000 Dude, she did not.
00:03:46.000 She definitely did.
00:03:47.000 No, no, no.
00:03:48.000 She had Swastika's tattoo somewhere.
00:03:49.000 Stop it.
00:03:50.000 No, swear to God, Joe.
00:03:51.000 She really did.
00:03:52.000 I'm telling you.
00:03:53.000 I'm telling you.
00:03:54.000 I'm telling you you're wrong.
00:03:55.000 What's her name?
00:03:56.000 It's like Michelle Dynamine or something like that.
00:03:59.000 No.
00:03:59.000 But anyway, my point is that she had this sleeve, and I looked at the sleeve, and I said, that's an Aaron Della Vadova tattoo.
00:04:05.000 I could tell.
00:04:06.000 His style is so distinctive.
00:04:09.000 I'm such a huge fan of individual points of expression.
00:04:16.000 There's certain pool cues where you could look at the pool cue and you know that is a sugar tree.
00:04:23.000 That's a cue that Eric Crisp made.
00:04:24.000 That is a cognoscente.
00:04:26.000 That's a cue that Joe Gold made.
00:04:28.000 They have this individual point of expression.
00:04:31.000 Michelle McGee.
00:04:31.000 Michelle McGee.
00:04:33.000 Yeah, she did a Nazi photo shoot.
00:04:35.000 That's what it was.
00:04:35.000 She does not have any tattoos.
00:04:37.000 Yeah, she doesn't have tattoos of Nazis on her.
00:04:38.000 This was like some crazy photo shoot that she had to do.
00:04:41.000 Although it does say WP on her leg.
00:04:44.000 Yeah.
00:04:45.000 Like, as in white power.
00:04:46.000 No.
00:04:47.000 Is that what it means?
00:04:49.000 Or...
00:04:49.000 Ew, whoa.
00:04:50.000 Is that really what it means?
00:04:52.000 WP? I don't think...
00:04:52.000 What else?
00:04:55.000 Whip it poop? 1.00
00:04:56.000 What was my point about her?
00:04:58.000 You were talking about your tattoo artist at her arm or something?
00:05:01.000 Oh, I saw her arm.
00:05:02.000 And one of her arms, I think it's her right sleeve. 0.54
00:05:05.000 Yeah.
00:05:06.000 His style is so distinct.
00:05:08.000 Did you search that guy out?
00:05:10.000 Well, I looked in California and I was looking at all these different...
00:05:14.000 You know, it's like...
00:05:17.000 There's a lot of really good artists in California.
00:05:20.000 Especially Kat Von D, who we've had on the podcast.
00:05:23.000 That's a great podcast.
00:05:24.000 Yeah, she was really cool.
00:05:26.000 There's so many, I don't even want to name names.
00:05:29.000 There's a million talented artists.
00:05:32.000 But when I saw Aaron's work online, especially sleeves and big back pieces, like, his style is really about big, bold, like, pieces.
00:05:43.000 And when I started talking to him, like, immediately we hit it off. 0.98
00:05:47.000 I was like, this guy was cool as fuck. 0.96
00:05:48.000 He's so cool. 0.99
00:05:50.000 Like, right away, like, I was like, like...
00:05:52.000 You know what?
00:05:53.000 You talk to someone, you're really happy to have a conversation with them, and we were on the perfect level. 0.95
00:05:59.000 Both of us were talking about all kinds of different crazy shit, and he's an honorable person, and he's an artist. 0.86
00:06:07.000 And it was like, right away, I was like, I love this guy. 0.96
00:06:09.000 Right away, he's the perfect guy to do it.
00:06:11.000 What did you guys, if you remember, I'm curious to see if you remember, what did you guys talk about while he was tattooing you?
00:06:18.000 Everything and anything, man.
00:06:19.000 Do you remember any of the conversations?
00:06:21.000 We have it all on video.
00:06:22.000 Is it like a meaningful...
00:06:23.000 We have it at the beginning of the first sleeve.
00:06:25.000 Are you serious?
00:06:26.000 Yeah, the beginning of the first sleeve, a lot of it was on video, but then the second sleeve is like about three years old.
00:06:32.000 I still have to go back.
00:06:33.000 There's a few...
00:06:35.000 Spots on it.
00:06:35.000 It's amazing.
00:06:36.000 Most of it is a Miyamoto Musashi piece.
00:06:38.000 Who's the guy who is the...
00:06:40.000 Oh.
00:06:40.000 And there's the graphics joker.
00:06:42.000 I thought you got rid of the graphics joker.
00:06:44.000 Yeah, I have to.
00:06:44.000 I thought you did too.
00:06:45.000 I have to.
00:06:46.000 It's not quite done yet.
00:06:47.000 I got it.
00:06:48.000 I think they should pimp that out.
00:06:50.000 Yeah.
00:06:50.000 No, it's not great.
00:06:51.000 Leave it. 0.95
00:06:52.000 Remember who you are.
00:06:52.000 It was like really even before I knew what a graphics joker was.
00:06:56.000 You drew it, right? 1.00
00:06:57.000 It's a stupid idea. 1.00
00:06:58.000 Yeah, I drew it. 1.00
00:06:59.000 Yeah.
00:07:00.000 Jesus Christ! 1.00
00:07:01.000 But I caught that shit. 1.00
00:07:02.000 You did? 1.00
00:07:03.000 That's my jujitsu experience, my friend.
00:07:07.000 That's a Jameson experience.
00:07:08.000 Can you see that tattoo?
00:07:09.000 I did draw it.
00:07:10.000 I drew that in 1990. It looks like shit now. 0.98
00:07:15.000 It's blurred. 0.98
00:07:16.000 I like it.
00:07:17.000 Better than waterfall. 0.99
00:07:18.000 The guy who tattooed it for me did a fucking brilliant job. 0.98
00:07:21.000 His name was Danny Williams, and he died of cancer really recently. 0.97
00:07:25.000 And the bottom tattoo, the really crazy looking samurai guy, that is Miyamoto Musashi.
00:07:30.000 And he's fighting a tiger.
00:07:33.000 What happened?
00:07:34.000 What happened to you? 0.94
00:07:35.000 Some sick artwork, man. 0.81
00:07:37.000 That's all my man Aaron Delevadova's work. 0.67
00:07:41.000 San Diego.
00:07:41.000 He does brilliant work.
00:07:43.000 Yeah, the beach.
00:07:44.000 What was the turn?
00:07:46.000 For what?
00:07:47.000 For you.
00:07:47.000 You went from one tattoo and not smoking weed to...
00:07:52.000 Maybe I've heard you say this.
00:07:54.000 You know what it was?
00:07:55.000 I always liked tattoos.
00:07:58.000 I always liked the artwork of it.
00:07:59.000 I'm a big fan of music.
00:08:02.000 I'm a big fan of writing.
00:08:04.000 I'm a big fan of movies and cars and paintings and anything that you do that expresses whatever you have inside of yourself through some medium.
00:08:15.000 Whether it's the medium of making a hot rod or it's the medium of even designing clothes.
00:08:21.000 Like, I'm wearing some crazy t-shirt right now, some dude gave me.
00:08:24.000 It's Bruce Lee, who's acting as a DJ. I thought that was hilarious.
00:08:30.000 That's great.
00:08:30.000 It's funny.
00:08:31.000 It's someone's idea that's expressed through clothes.
00:08:34.000 You know, you can express it through furniture.
00:08:37.000 Like, my friend... 1.00
00:08:38.000 This fucking... 1.00
00:08:39.000 This table's badass. 0.99
00:08:41.000 Yeah, I mean, you can express it through anything, but really, it's all the same thing.
00:08:46.000 The idea is that...
00:08:49.000 Everything that a person can enjoy is someone else trying to express some sort of positive idea through whatever medium it is. 0.99
00:08:57.000 Whether it's a fucking... 0.98
00:08:58.000 Whether it's Les Miserables. 1.00
00:09:01.000 Whether it's Fifty Shades of Grey.
00:09:03.000 It's all the same thing, you know?
00:09:05.000 But what was the turning point?
00:09:07.000 Do you remember the thing?
00:09:08.000 No.
00:09:09.000 I don't know.
00:09:09.000 It was probably some psychedelic drug-related experience.
00:09:13.000 Really?
00:09:13.000 Most likely.
00:09:14.000 Yeah.
00:09:14.000 Yeah, that was the...
00:09:15.000 But what got you there?
00:09:19.000 Well, if marijuana is a gateway drug, I'm really, unfortunately, a good example.
00:09:28.000 I don't think that it's a negative gateway.
00:09:30.000 I think we have to get over that idea, and I think a big part of the struggle that we have in this country It's a lot of conservative people misunderstand the position of people that support marijuana or cannabis.
00:09:42.000 And it doesn't mean that they're mutually exclusive and it doesn't mean that they have to be in combat with each other. 0.98
00:09:47.000 It just means that for whatever reason as a society we have associated cannabis smokers and users with lazy bitches. 1.00
00:09:55.000 And that's stupid. 0.99
00:09:56.000 And I think that if I have benefited as an unnecessarily agro, you know, child of the 80s, if I have benefited from the magical gift of marijuana, then I bet you can too. 1.00
00:10:10.000 It just needs to be used properly.
00:10:12.000 And it's going to make you examine yourself in a way that may be uncomfortable, but is most likely necessary.
00:10:18.000 You know, and the ideas that we have connected to Any sort of psychedelic experience, marijuana or peyote, you name it, mushrooms, automatically people of a conservative nature will assume that the people involved in doing this thing are being lazy or they're being frivolous.
00:10:40.000 They're being frivolous because they've decided to seek escape through chemicals rather than deal with reality.
00:10:49.000 If they really knew, they would know that that's not the case.
00:10:52.000 If they really had experience, they would know that, no, it's the exact opposite. 0.99
00:10:56.000 I hate to fucking bring up this goddamn Radiolab show again. 0.99
00:11:00.000 They were talking about religious experiences and people who did acid, and they were talking about... 0.99
00:11:08.000 They took these kids in school, took them down to a church setting where a church sermon was going on.
00:11:15.000 They're all religious teachers, okay?
00:11:17.000 All religious teachers, like religious students.
00:11:20.000 They all take acid and they hear a sermon in the church with the beautiful bells. 0.98
00:11:23.000 And they said that 9 out of 10 people in the test group, so there's 20, 10 have a bullshit, you know, a placebo. 0.96
00:11:33.000 10 out of the other one, 9 out of the 10 had a religious experience. 0.71
00:11:36.000 And they were saying that 9 out of the 10 also went on to teach in the ministry.
00:11:42.000 Like 9 out of the 10 people that took acid.
00:11:43.000 And they were talking about the concept of whether or not you could do acid and whether or not you could create a religious experience.
00:11:49.000 And if you could, why wouldn't you have that all the time?
00:11:51.000 Why wouldn't everyone look for that? 0.95
00:11:53.000 Well, that's what we were talking about earlier, about, like, one day, maybe we can get our shitty brains to accept a state of opiate and MDMA at the same time, all the time. 0.95
00:12:03.000 I want, like, a low-grade cocaine. 0.96
00:12:05.000 Well, like, think about what's going on. 0.97
00:12:07.000 I mean, all respect to people who are on antidepressants, and this is not an antidepressant rant, and I think, quite honestly, that there's quite a few of those rants that are ignorant. 0.86
00:12:16.000 And even though, you know, we had a conversation with...
00:12:19.000 Kara Santa Maria, who's on the podcast. 0.98
00:12:21.000 Fucking loved her. 0.99
00:12:22.000 That girl was so fucking... 1.00
00:12:24.000 I've regurgitated some of her facts in conversation, not realizing I'm doing it. 0.99
00:12:29.000 I fucking was so... 0.98
00:12:30.000 I was afraid to Google her and see what she looked like, so I was like, what if she's not hot? 0.99
00:12:33.000 Because she was so hot on this podcast. 0.99
00:12:35.000 Just listen to her, you were like, oh, she's fucking smoking. 1.00
00:12:38.000 More importantly, she's very fascinating. 0.99
00:12:41.000 Really fascinating.
00:12:44.000 And what was my point?
00:12:46.000 Psychedelics?
00:12:47.000 Three of them in a row.
00:12:48.000 Psychedelics?
00:12:49.000 Are you taking her at all of them?
00:12:50.000 Yeah, next week I'm taking her at all of them.
00:12:51.000 Hey, you want to do a double date?
00:12:52.000 Nope!
00:12:53.000 How dare you. 1.00
00:12:54.000 He's trying to fucking just hang out with her. 1.00
00:12:55.000 He'd be rubbing his dick over the table. 1.00
00:12:56.000 Just cock blocking the fuck out of you! 1.00
00:12:59.000 But anyway, the point was that she was describing her own personal benefit From using antidepressants and her own personal benefit from regulating her state of consciousness, but with the use of science. 0.99
00:13:14.000 And if you really stop and think about it, some of the best feelings that I've ever had have been under the influence of chemicals.
00:13:21.000 Whether it's right now, or whether it's the first time I ever did anything, which was MDMA, anything of significance.
00:13:29.000 When that feeling is so sensational, like, what would life be if that feeling existed all the time?
00:13:35.000 We automatically have this thought in our head that that cannot be managed, and that needs to be discarded right away, immediately, for the state of consciousness that exists right now can never be elevated.
00:13:46.000 This is what it is.
00:13:47.000 But how do we even know that's true?
00:13:49.000 I wonder sometimes, because I go, like...
00:13:53.000 I feel like I spend my day chasing a buzz, where it's like coffee in the morning, and then there's this dead beer in the afternoon where I'm like, well, it's too late.
00:14:02.000 Before the beer comes.
00:14:03.000 Yeah, before the beer comes.
00:14:04.000 When you feel it's respectable to start drinking a beer.
00:14:07.000 5. 5 p.m.?
00:14:08.000 Yeah, 5 p.m.
00:14:08.000 Leave me alone, woman.
00:14:10.000 At 5 p.m.
00:14:10.000 you can say, leave me alone.
00:14:12.000 I had a hard day at work. 1.00
00:14:13.000 Who keeps the fucking lights on? 0.99
00:14:15.000 Some of the best moments of my life are when my wife had a job. 0.99
00:14:19.000 We were living in an apartment complex.
00:14:21.000 We had a nanny, only because I was on the road, and sometimes the nanny and I would overlap and I'd be there when she would be there.
00:14:27.000 The best feelings, my kids are there, sun setting in Hollywood, my wife walking up in the door and just going, did anyone open a bottle of wine? 1.00
00:14:34.000 Oh, motherfucker! 0.99
00:14:36.000 I remember getting chills like it's Christmas Eve. 1.00
00:14:39.000 And we'd crack open a bottle of wine, we'd pour one for the nanny, we'd just sit on the couch in socks. 1.00
00:14:44.000 Fuck! 1.00
00:14:45.000 Oh, you're hilarious. 1.00
00:14:47.000 Fucking love. 0.98
00:14:47.000 I love those kind of moments. 0.98
00:14:48.000 You love, like, ultimate relaxation moments where everybody agrees.
00:14:53.000 Yes!
00:14:53.000 That it's time to crack open.
00:14:54.000 Where everyone's on the same page.
00:14:55.000 I think that's one of the things.
00:14:57.000 Crack open the bottle.
00:14:57.000 Everybody agrees.
00:14:58.000 Oh, it's great.
00:15:00.000 Well, that's why you're, like, sort of the ultimate party meister. 0.98
00:15:02.000 It's like, you're the guy that would get everybody, oh, fucking Burt wants to do shots. 0.99
00:15:06.000 Let's do shots! 1.00
00:15:07.000 Are we doing shots?
00:15:08.000 We're doing shots? 1.00
00:15:08.000 Give me a hug, you fucks. 1.00
00:15:10.000 I love you. 0.99
00:15:10.000 And everybody would get together. 0.99
00:15:12.000 I think, yeah, I love that feeling when, like, it's like just fucking, someone just goes, I go, Is it going to be awkward if I order a beer? 0.97
00:15:21.000 And someone will be like, if you get one, I'll get one. 0.99
00:15:23.000 I'm like, we're fucking drinking! 0.99
00:15:25.000 Yeah, right away. 0.99
00:15:26.000 I fucking love that feeling. 0.97
00:15:27.000 I think that's what the feeling people get when they connect when they smoke marijuana is that someone likes it and then they're like, nah. 0.99
00:15:33.000 They're like, okay.
00:15:34.000 Right.
00:15:35.000 It's such a great, like...
00:15:36.000 There's definitely a thing that comes with being in that sort of fraternity of people that know...
00:15:42.000 They know you'd smoke pot.
00:15:44.000 Everybody's in this like, we're all cool in this, right?
00:15:48.000 As much as you sort of accept the traditional notion of reality, if you've never gotten high, you and I have very little to talk about.
00:15:59.000 I mean, we can talk about a few things.
00:16:01.000 For certain, we can talk about facts and statistics and history and numbers.
00:16:07.000 We can talk about a lot of things. 0.96
00:16:09.000 But we can't talk about what the fuck is going on when you think about someone and then the phone rings and it's them. 0.98
00:16:17.000 We can't talk about that because you're going to give me some scaredy-can answer. 0.98
00:16:21.000 You're going to go, well, statistically, it's just sort of a coincidence.
00:16:25.000 There's no relationship whatsoever.
00:16:27.000 There's never been a statistical correlation between you thinking about someone and then them calling you and not meaning anything significant whatsoever.
00:16:35.000 It's just nonsense.
00:16:36.000 And you need to get a rip and put a tie on and wear some shiny shoes with slippery soles and walk down the street like a gentleman.
00:16:47.000 I don't know, but I know that when a little light bulb goes off in my head, and I think about Burt Kreischer, and then I look down at my phone, and it starts ringing immediately, and it's Burt Kreischer.
00:16:59.000 Well, call me crazy, but I think something's up.
00:17:04.000 Okay? 0.97
00:17:05.000 I think there's something fucking going on when I think about you and then all of a sudden you call me immediately. 0.98
00:17:13.000 It happens every day, non-stop. 0.99
00:17:15.000 Yeah!
00:17:15.000 It happens a lot.
00:17:16.000 And you know when it happens?
00:17:17.000 You ready for this Brian Redband?
00:17:19.000 It happens when you're living your life correctly. 0.98
00:17:23.000 When you're living your life correctly, the universe gives you a lot of fucking secret messages. 0.98
00:17:30.000 You think that's what it is? 0.98
00:17:32.000 Absolutely.
00:17:33.000 Yesterday, this is something crazy as an example.
00:17:36.000 Yesterday, I was talking to my friend who's a ginger, and I'm like, is there such things as Jewish gingers?
00:17:41.000 I've never even heard.
00:17:42.000 I've never seen a Jewish ginger before.
00:17:44.000 She's like, of course there is.
00:17:46.000 And then two hours later, somebody else is just like, oh, this guy, he's a ginger. 0.51
00:17:51.000 He's a Jewish ginger.
00:17:53.000 Have you ever seen one of these?
00:17:54.000 I'm like, all right, I've never talked about Jewish gingers my whole entire life. 1.00
00:17:58.000 Now twice in one day.
00:17:59.000 There's a possibility that you attracted that.
00:18:01.000 There's a possibility that much like...
00:18:03.000 Have you ever sent an email on Google?
00:18:06.000 You know, it could be about anything.
00:18:07.000 You could send an email and say, Hey man, I'm looking to get a life-size copy of the robot from Lost in Space. 0.98
00:18:16.000 And then you look in the corner of your Gmail when you get on it and it'll be all Lost in Space shit. 0.98
00:18:22.000 That's different. 0.96
00:18:22.000 That's because it's reading your email. 0.96
00:18:23.000 Right.
00:18:23.000 Right, right, exactly.
00:18:25.000 So you think somebody's reading my presence?
00:18:27.000 Exactly.
00:18:28.000 Oh, I like this theory already.
00:18:30.000 This is my point.
00:18:31.000 If reality is a simulation, wouldn't it follow the same principles that your Gmail or your Yahoo has? 0.91
00:18:38.000 Where you'll see the corners where shit that you've sent emails about will be reoccurring themes in your life. 0.95
00:18:44.000 I do that in life all the time. 0.98
00:18:46.000 I put it out there.
00:18:47.000 But isn't it fascinating?
00:18:48.000 You put it out there.
00:18:49.000 It's a program.
00:18:50.000 It mirrors what we know is a program.
00:18:53.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:18:53.000 Oh, that's fucked up. 0.99
00:18:54.000 It's true. 0.99
00:18:55.000 You're right.
00:18:55.000 Yeah.
00:18:56.000 It's just the fucking natural course of history of how life's going to go down. 0.98
00:19:00.000 It already happens in life. 0.98
00:19:01.000 God does it.
00:19:02.000 The universe does it.
00:19:03.000 It trickles onto you.
00:19:04.000 You sound like you're ripe for a cult. 1.00
00:19:06.000 I could fucking get you to sign up right now. 1.00
00:19:08.000 Give me some blue Nikes. 1.00
00:19:10.000 Suck my dick in a house full of feathers. 1.00
00:19:13.000 I could be so quickly put into a cult. 1.00
00:19:16.000 I've been watching this documentary. 1.00
00:19:18.000 The Vice guys made a documentary about this fucking dude who's a... 1.00
00:19:22.000 He's the new Jesus. 1.00
00:19:24.000 He's a Siberian Jesus. 0.94
00:19:25.000 Have you seen that, Brian?
00:19:27.000 Listen, ladies and gentlemen.
00:19:29.000 I pull it up?
00:19:30.000 No, we shouldn't pull it up because it's a really long piece. 0.54
00:19:34.000 Those Vice guys are crazy.
00:19:35.000 It's at least, I've only watched the first two ten minute pieces, but it's fascinating.
00:19:40.000 There's a guy in Siberia that's created a village and he's like the second coming of Jesus.
00:19:44.000 He's like the new Jesus.
00:19:45.000 And he has thousands of people that are living up there.
00:19:48.000 Thousands.
00:19:49.000 They're all living up there.
00:19:50.000 But, meanwhile, they're living in an unbelievably beautiful place.
00:19:55.000 I mean, it is stunning.
00:19:56.000 Maybe see if you can find some photos.
00:19:59.000 But it's staggeringly beautiful.
00:20:01.000 And this guy, he's not preaching anything bad, except being a vegan. 0.98
00:20:05.000 That's silly. 0.91
00:20:06.000 I gotta have meat. 0.81
00:20:08.000 He's a vegan.
00:20:09.000 Even when I was doing that clean program.
00:20:10.000 Vegan Jesus. 1.00
00:20:12.000 I'd have chicken with fucking lettuce wraps. 1.00
00:20:14.000 Oh, I love spicy shit. 1.00
00:20:17.000 Yeah, I wish that animals weren't so fucking delicious. 1.00
00:20:19.000 They're fucking amazing! 0.99
00:20:21.000 And I wish that they didn't fucking keep making animals. 0.99
00:20:24.000 Maybe they would just all live forever and everyone would be immortal when we have enough numbers now and just keep it going. 0.99
00:20:29.000 I had duck heart?
00:20:30.000 This is the dude.
00:20:31.000 Who?
00:20:32.000 Let me see.
00:20:32.000 That was the photo of the dude who's the Russian Jesus.
00:20:36.000 Meanwhile, he's got an awesome spot.
00:20:37.000 I don't think I ever saw Jesus smile.
00:20:39.000 Yeah, well, he does when Green Day's playing.
00:20:41.000 He's always sad because he's hurt.
00:20:44.000 All Jesus' pictures were like hip-hop cover albums.
00:20:47.000 Like, just, what's up?
00:20:48.000 The Australian Jesus is a guy in Queensland, and he says he's Jesus too.
00:20:52.000 I was just in Queensland!
00:20:55.000 What's that guy look like?
00:20:56.000 What were you doing?
00:20:56.000 Were you doing stand-up?
00:20:57.000 No, we did Trip Flip in Australia.
00:20:59.000 Oh, in Queensland? 1.00
00:21:00.000 Fucking Australia, best country I've ever been to. 1.00
00:21:02.000 I'm telling you when I say this, and I'm not shitting on America, and I'm not shitting on Canada, because you guys are second, but Australia blows everyone away. 1.00
00:21:09.000 I love the people there. 0.96
00:21:12.000 I love their attitude. 1.00
00:21:13.000 Fuck! 1.00
00:21:15.000 We're so uptight in this country. 1.00
00:21:17.000 We're really so unbelievably uptight.
00:21:19.000 Especially when it comes to going out and having fun and relaxing. 1.00
00:21:22.000 I'd moved to Australia in a fucking heartbeat. 0.99
00:21:24.000 In a heartbeat. 0.99
00:21:25.000 There's this thing about America that America was sort of founded and created by a bunch of people that have come here from somewhere that sucked and they had enough and they just made it over to some new spot. 0.96
00:21:38.000 I think that the type of person that it takes to be able to get in a boat and travel across the ocean and land some new land, I think it takes several generations before everybody fucking relaxes. 0.99
00:21:54.000 That's the badass motherfuckers that could get in a boat and fucking do that. 1.00
00:21:58.000 Because you just shook the loose leaves got shaken off the tree. 1.00
00:22:02.000 They were so gangster. 1.00
00:22:04.000 They got in a goddamn boat and traveled across oceans with no radio, no TV. Do you ever think about that, though, when you travel with your kids somewhere, and then you go, how would we travel across America? 1.00
00:22:13.000 Like, how would your family size up in a wagon train going from New York to L.A.? My family would have either stayed...
00:22:20.000 I mean, if you had little children, you would have stayed in Italy or Ireland.
00:22:23.000 You would have done whatever you could do to stay where you were.
00:22:26.000 But my grandfather's family came over here in...
00:22:31.000 I want to say the early 1900s, my grandfather's family came over here from Italy.
00:22:36.000 And my grandfather lived on a farm and he used to tell me stories about how they used to kill rabbits with their hand, grab them by the neck and snap them.
00:22:44.000 That was like a normal part of your life.
00:22:45.000 And there was, you know, winters where like they would run out of food.
00:22:49.000 Like there was no food.
00:22:50.000 Like they'd have to go and borrow food from people that were neighbors.
00:22:53.000 Some crazy times, man.
00:22:55.000 You know what's more crazy than that?
00:22:58.000 I say this guessingly, but the amount of humility your grandfather must have had.
00:23:03.000 He was a very humble guy.
00:23:05.000 Almost too humble.
00:23:06.000 He got walked on by my grandmother.
00:23:10.000 My grandmother was a really strong woman and she used to yell at him all the time.
00:23:13.000 I was like a little kid.
00:23:14.000 My mom had me when she was 20. My mom did her best but she was really young.
00:23:19.000 When you're 20 years old and all of a sudden you're raising a baby.
00:23:22.000 Your grandparents are only 40. I was 21 when I was born.
00:23:26.000 My mother was 21 when I was born.
00:23:29.000 I was 21 when I was born.
00:23:31.000 I might as well have been. 1.00
00:23:32.000 I would probably feel like, oh my god, this bitch is 21. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on. 1.00
00:23:36.000 I gotta get up to a 21-year-old mentality immediately. 1.00
00:23:37.000 Your grandparents are like, what, 37?
00:23:40.000 No, they're old.
00:23:41.000 40?
00:23:42.000 They could have been.
00:23:42.000 No, no, at the time you were born.
00:23:44.000 I don't know.
00:23:44.000 I don't know how old they were.
00:23:45.000 I mean, it's hard for me to wrap my head around now.
00:23:48.000 I don't want to do the math, but the point was my mother was young. 1.00
00:23:51.000 And so, like, growing up with, like, a young mother that doesn't necessarily know what the fuck is going on makes you realize at a young age, like, oh, shit. 0.99
00:24:04.000 Makes you start looking at everything a little differently. 1.00
00:24:07.000 This lady doesn't know what the fuck is going on. 1.00
00:24:10.000 Wait, I don't think she can make eggs. 1.00
00:24:13.000 No, she was okay with that, but we are both in this fucking crazy thing together. 0.99
00:24:17.000 And, you know, you realize, like, kind of early on that no one knows what the fuck is going on. 0.99
00:24:21.000 That's crazy. 0.96
00:24:22.000 I can't imagine being...
00:24:24.000 I can't imagine...
00:24:24.000 My biggest hiccup in life was getting into stand-up because I just...
00:24:29.000 I didn't have any humility at that time in my life.
00:24:33.000 My dad gave me a speech on my 26th birthday that was like... 0.99
00:24:37.000 Fucking aggressive. 0.99
00:24:38.000 Really? 1.00
00:24:40.000 26th?
00:24:41.000 26th.
00:24:41.000 It was on my birthday.
00:24:42.000 He called me and I thought he was going to wish me happy birthday. 1.00
00:24:45.000 And he was like, you're a fucking loser. 1.00
00:24:48.000 He's like, you make me embarrassed. 1.00
00:24:49.000 I'm embarrassed that you're my son.
00:24:51.000 I lie about you.
00:24:52.000 He goes, you know what that's like?
00:24:53.000 To have a judge say, I heard your son got his life's option by Oliver Stone.
00:24:58.000 He's in New York doing stand-up.
00:24:59.000 How's he doing? 1.00
00:25:00.000 He goes, I lied in fucking court. 1.00
00:25:02.000 He goes, it makes me sick to my stomach. 1.00
00:25:03.000 I was like, what can I do different?
00:25:04.000 And he goes, nothing.
00:25:06.000 I was like, well, can I fix this?
00:25:08.000 And he goes, no, I failed you as a father.
00:25:10.000 And it got me to, like, it changed my life.
00:25:14.000 Like, I went, he taught me how to get, taught me how to be humble enough to get a job in stand-up.
00:25:20.000 So you just needed to work the door, but I thought I was above that.
00:25:23.000 I thought that I was better than that.
00:25:24.000 Like, I thought that someone would just grab me and put me on stage and I'd be discovered.
00:25:27.000 That's how I thought it happened.
00:25:28.000 I didn't know you could...
00:25:30.000 Literally be humble and say, I want to do this.
00:25:32.000 How do I go about doing this?
00:25:33.000 Please help me to someone.
00:25:36.000 And he got me into it and literally fucking started doing it the next night and six months later I had a deal. 0.92
00:25:43.000 And it was like, it was a fucking, one of the greatest things I ever did. 0.96
00:25:47.000 I look back at that so fondly those times. 0.98
00:25:49.000 Me, like outside, this is every single night hanging outside.
00:25:52.000 Jim Norton, Bobby Kelly, Patrice O'Neal, Colin, like not Colin Quinn actually.
00:25:56.000 I've never actually met him until recently.
00:25:58.000 Why'd you just throw him in there?
00:25:59.000 Because I started getting into a Tough Crown mentality.
00:26:01.000 I started losing off the credits of Tough Crown.
00:26:04.000 I was like, me, Bobby Kelly?
00:26:05.000 Nick DiPaolo.
00:26:07.000 But I call myself.
00:26:08.000 I'm honest.
00:26:08.000 I never met Nick either.
00:26:10.000 You've never met Nick?
00:26:11.000 I worked the door when he'd come in and do the club, but I never knew him.
00:26:15.000 Have you ever seen him on stage?
00:26:17.000 Nick's brilliant.
00:26:18.000 Nick DiPaolo, to me, is one of the most underrated comedians in this country.
00:26:21.000 Hands down, no questions asked. 0.99
00:26:22.000 He's the kind of guy you can tell his jokes to your friend at a bar, and they fucking lose their mind. 0.97
00:26:26.000 Dude, he had a joke about Remember when Katrina hit? 0.99
00:26:30.000 Dude, it's so cruel. 1.00
00:26:32.000 It was so fucked up. 0.99
00:26:33.000 But he goes, yeah, they were writing rescue signs on the roof, but... 0.99
00:26:40.000 I'm not doing this any justice.
00:26:41.000 I'm so sorry.
00:26:42.000 I was already thinking of doing a nick bit, and I was like, there's no way I'll get through it.
00:26:45.000 They were signing rescue signs on the roof, but they were misspelling them.
00:26:51.000 Instead of help, it said HEP. You want some HEP? Drink that fucking water.
00:26:57.000 If you want some HEP, drink that water. 1.00
00:27:00.000 Nick DiPaolo.
00:27:01.000 I'm sorry, Nick.
00:27:02.000 I butchered your joke.
00:27:03.000 I apologize.
00:27:04.000 I wish I knew his joke about...
00:27:06.000 He goes, I'm not going to do this any justice either.
00:27:11.000 A lot of people say they haven't said the N-word.
00:27:13.000 A lot of people say that?
00:27:14.000 Really?
00:27:14.000 I guess you never put $1,000 on a playoff game then!
00:27:18.000 I know I ruined that bit, but...
00:27:20.000 No, no, no, no.
00:27:21.000 It was good.
00:27:22.000 Nick DiPaolo is one of the funniest.
00:27:24.000 I watched Nardy and Nick.
00:27:26.000 I guess you never put a thousand dollars in a playoff game.
00:27:30.000 I watched Nardy and Nick on the... 1.00
00:27:37.000 Fucking... 1.00
00:27:37.000 Same thing Dan Patrick shows on. 1.00
00:27:39.000 I watch it.
00:27:39.000 I watch it because I respect both those guys so much that I go...
00:27:43.000 It's not the best show sometimes, but...
00:27:45.000 Well, this is what I think. 0.97
00:27:46.000 That show would be fucking magic if it was uncensored. 0.98
00:27:50.000 And to take Nick and Artie and put him on regular radio is like taking Joey Diaz and make him, instead of talk, write with a crayon. 0.99
00:27:58.000 Yeah.
00:27:59.000 It's nonsense.
00:28:00.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:28:00.000 It's fucking stupid. 1.00
00:28:01.000 I watch it all the time, though. 1.00
00:28:02.000 I love Nick and Artie. 1.00
00:28:04.000 Someone with some fucking balls. 1.00
00:28:05.000 Please take that show. 1.00
00:28:06.000 Put it on the internet.
00:28:07.000 You'd make more money.
00:28:08.000 You'd have more people listening. 0.97
00:28:10.000 And you could still put it on DirecTV or whatever the fuck you're putting it on. 0.95
00:28:14.000 It still would be... 0.97
00:28:15.000 But let Nick be Nick.
00:28:17.000 Let Artie be Artie. 0.96
00:28:18.000 Let him be crazy. 0.89
00:28:20.000 Let him talk completely unhindered. 0.97
00:28:25.000 The way he...
00:28:26.000 I was talking to someone recently about bomb lines.
00:28:32.000 When you're doing bad and a heckler's attacking you and you have your comeback, and Nick DiPaolo has a time...
00:28:39.000 I'm once again butchering whatever this story is because I don't remember it, but Nick said that he was getting heckled by this girl in a It was our bachelorette party, and he was on the road in some podunk town, and he was like, he was like, ma'am, I hope the next time you reach under your armpit you feel a lump.
00:28:57.000 And he goes, I've never had an entire crowd hate me more, and they had to escort him, like, to the green room there.
00:29:04.000 Oh my god. 0.99
00:29:04.000 But he's a fucking old school, like, old school kind of, like, That's the kind of dad... 0.99
00:29:10.000 I meet dads at my kids' school, and I wonder if they know who the fuck I am. 1.00
00:29:14.000 Then they do know who I am. 0.99
00:29:16.000 They figure out who I am. 0.99
00:29:17.000 They'll Google me and they'll go, oh shit, I didn't know you were this guy. 1.00
00:29:19.000 I can be this guy around you. 1.00
00:29:21.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.
00:29:22.000 I wonder if parents, because he's got kids, if they meet him and they have no clue of who he is, and then Google him, and then they're like, oh my god, I can tell this joke in front of you. 0.98
00:29:32.000 He's one of the funniest fucking human beings, man. 0.88
00:29:35.000 He's a very nice guy, too. 0.94
00:29:36.000 Did you ever do Tough Crowd?
00:29:37.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:29:38.000 Tough Crap was a definitive show in my life.
00:29:40.000 Yeah.
00:29:41.000 I would just have my first daughter.
00:29:42.000 It's a fun show.
00:29:43.000 I've been doing The Road, and I knew a lot of those guys, most of those guys from doing stand-up in New York.
00:29:48.000 It's really a tragedy that that show was canceled. 0.90
00:29:50.000 It's so silly. 1.00
00:29:51.000 Bullshit. 1.00
00:29:51.000 It seems like, like, why would you ever? 1.00
00:29:53.000 I mean, it was such an easy resource.
00:29:55.000 You know, it was easy to get comedians.
00:29:57.000 Everybody wanted to be on it.
00:29:58.000 It was very entertaining.
00:30:00.000 There's a podcast in the past.
00:30:01.000 What?
00:30:02.000 It's pretty much a podcast.
00:30:04.000 Yeah, it was a podcast.
00:30:05.000 It was a limited, like, time, a time-limited podcast. 0.98
00:30:09.000 Listen, man, we're so lucky that we are existing in this time where you can do this thing, where you can do whatever the fuck you want. 0.94
00:30:18.000 No one's telling us what to do. 0.98
00:30:19.000 We're doing whatever we want.
00:30:20.000 We decided to keep going.
00:30:21.000 We decided to end the podcast, take a leak, and keep going.
00:30:24.000 There's no producers.
00:30:25.000 There's no...
00:30:26.000 That's the beauty of a situation like this. 0.99
00:30:29.000 Oh, this is when Greg Giraldo and fucking Dennis Lurie... 0.99
00:30:33.000 Hit pause for a second, Brian. 0.97
00:30:34.000 This is a funny story because Giraldo never even went to the nuclear weapons, which is plagiarism.
00:30:41.000 He never even went to that.
00:30:42.000 Yeah.
00:30:42.000 You know, he never even went to that.
00:30:44.000 But Leary was so conti with him, like right off the bat. 0.98
00:30:48.000 Greg Giraldo was a fucking beautiful dude. 0.98
00:30:51.000 He was just the nicest fucking guy. 0.99
00:30:54.000 He was very intelligent. 0.96
00:30:56.000 In a time in my life when no one needed to be nice to me, there were two people that were distinctly nice to me and gentle.
00:31:03.000 And that was Bill Burr and Greg Giraldo. 0.97
00:31:06.000 Like, you know, Norton and Bobby and all those guys were always nice to me, but man, Geraldo and Bill Burr took time, pulled me aside, and like, they were fucking great guys.
00:31:14.000 I remember one time calling into my buddy Cowhead show, because Geraldo was on, and calling in to listen to Geraldo's interview, because I just loved Greg.
00:31:24.000 And Cowhead told him, and Greg goes, oh, put him on the phone, I'll talk to him.
00:31:27.000 And I talked to Greg for like fucking 10 minutes in between a break and a song, and just was like, man, how's everything going? 0.68
00:31:34.000 And he was like, well... 0.93
00:31:34.000 Yeah, he was very sincere. 0.93
00:31:36.000 Fucking, fucking great guy. 0.99
00:31:37.000 He had a show, I don't remember what network it was on, but... 1.00
00:31:40.000 It was his sitcom.
00:31:43.000 It was on during when yours was, right?
00:31:45.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:31:45.000 He talked about partying with the girl that was on your show.
00:31:48.000 Which one? 1.00
00:31:49.000 The girl with the big tits. 1.00
00:31:52.000 Who? 1.00
00:31:52.000 On news radio. 1.00
00:31:53.000 A girl with big tits? 1.00
00:31:54.000 Didn't that one girl have big tits? 1.00
00:31:56.000 No, not me. 1.00
00:31:57.000 Who was the girl on your show? 1.00
00:31:58.000 There was beautiful girls, but Maura? 1.00
00:32:01.000 Maura? 1.00
00:32:01.000 Yeah, I always thought she had big tits. 1.00
00:32:02.000 Maura did not have big tits. 1.00
00:32:03.000 I thought her tits were so big they had to tape them up. 1.00
00:32:06.000 No, Maura was the white girl with black hair. 1.00
00:32:09.000 Yeah, she was the lead. 1.00
00:32:11.000 She just had big nipples. 1.00
00:32:13.000 That's a terrible misunderstanding. 0.99
00:32:14.000 Oh, she was beautiful.
00:32:15.000 She was very beautiful and incredibly talented. 0.99
00:32:18.000 Oh, fucking wanted to drink a bottle of white wine with her so bad. 0.98
00:32:20.000 I did a scene with her once, and I'll never forget this. 0.99
00:32:23.000 I told her, and she just sort of laughed it off.
00:32:26.000 She's like, really like...
00:32:28.000 She wasn't... 1.00
00:32:31.000 She would never, like, brag about her talent, like, as an actor.
00:32:34.000 She was good.
00:32:35.000 But we did a scene together, and I didn't realize that she was acting.
00:32:40.000 I thought she was saying something to me.
00:32:42.000 And I was like, oh, that's the words.
00:32:44.000 Oh, whoa. 1.00
00:32:45.000 I go, holy shit, you badass bitch. 1.00
00:32:47.000 I go, I didn't know you were acting. 1.00
00:32:49.000 I go, you just fucking rocked me. 0.98
00:32:51.000 Like, she rocked me with what she was saying. 0.99
00:32:53.000 Because the set of News Radio was very loose. 0.99
00:32:56.000 There was a lot of fucking off. 0.61
00:32:58.000 And there was also a lot of improvisation, where Dave Foley was responsible for a huge amount of what got on the air of that show, because he was almost like a secret producer. 0.94
00:33:09.000 And it was because the guys who wrote the show were so open-minded and so smart, and Paul Simms, who was the executive producer, was just This really brilliant guy who recognized that there was a lot of people like Andy or like Phil Hartman or Dave Foley or whatever who would have this intuition while they were on stage working out the scenes that they would come up with new things and to incorporate those new things.
00:33:33.000 So Dave was constantly tweaking things and adding things.
00:33:37.000 And being able to watch that and to watch someone do that and to be in that situation, I was like, wow.
00:33:43.000 This is an ideal situation.
00:33:47.000 I was the...
00:33:50.000 This is going to sound cunty.
00:33:51.000 Not cunty, but weird.
00:33:55.000 Last year was a very good year for me, and I'm also in the middle of our school, so our kids are in third grade, and now we've been at school long enough that we know all the parents, and so I was the resident famous comedian parent.
00:34:11.000 Like, oh, he's a comedian.
00:34:13.000 I think Dave Foley's kids go to our school now, and Dave Foley, they were like, have you heard Dave Foley?
00:34:18.000 He spoke at a PTA moment. 0.99
00:34:19.000 Apparently he's a fucking amazing dad. 0.99
00:34:22.000 Either that or it's a guy that looks like Dave Foley. 0.99
00:34:25.000 What do you mean?
00:34:25.000 He's an amazing dad.
00:34:26.000 Like, he, like, fucking shows up and does all the shit. 1.00
00:34:29.000 And they were like, and I don't go to anything. 1.00
00:34:32.000 I don't even go to recitals. 0.97
00:34:33.000 Like, I just fucking... 0.96
00:34:34.000 He's a very solid dude. 0.99
00:34:35.000 That was a great set.
00:34:36.000 But what I'm saying about Morris, she was built... 0.85
00:34:39.000 Oh, yeah.
00:34:40.000 She's very pretty.
00:34:41.000 Beautiful woman.
00:34:41.000 Huge knockers.
00:34:42.000 She didn't have big knockers. 1.00
00:34:43.000 Oh, she was fucking hot as shit. 1.00
00:34:45.000 Yeah, she's very hot. 1.00
00:34:47.000 But yeah, but Greg Geraldo shot across from you guys, and you guys used to party, right?
00:34:50.000 Well, Greg was right next door, and he was...
00:34:53.000 There's a lot of guys who had TV shows.
00:34:57.000 There was a lot of guys who got gigs back in those days.
00:35:00.000 They got a development deal, and maybe they had a few episodes.
00:35:03.000 Like my friend Tom Rhodes, he had a show for a while. 0.98
00:35:05.000 Fucking love Tom Rhodes. 0.96
00:35:07.000 Yeah, he's a good dude. 0.98
00:35:07.000 He's a great dude. 0.98
00:35:08.000 And I met Tom...
00:35:10.000 The first time I met him was when we were both on NBC. I was on news radio, and he had his own show.
00:35:15.000 And then he went over to Amsterdam.
00:35:18.000 Tom's beautiful. 0.97
00:35:18.000 He's fucking awesome. 0.97
00:35:19.000 He really is. 1.00
00:35:20.000 But he never lost his shit. 1.00
00:35:22.000 You know, he's always been cool. 1.00
00:35:24.000 He's always been like...
00:35:25.000 The night I met... 0.99
00:35:26.000 Tom Rhodes is like, in my opinion, like a fucking legit comedian. 0.99
00:35:31.000 Tom Rhodes is from Florida. 0.99
00:35:32.000 Yeah.
00:35:32.000 And I've told him this story a number of times.
00:35:35.000 And he never really remembers it.
00:35:37.000 But we ran into each other in Amsterdam.
00:35:39.000 We did that Showtime special with Russell Peters.
00:35:41.000 And I said...
00:35:42.000 The fucking first night I met him, I was working at the Boston Comedy Club, I came downstairs, and he was at the bar, and I knew he was from Florida, and I was from Florida, and I like to stand up, and I walked up to him, and I was like, I was like, hey man, my name's Bert, I'm a comedian, I just started, I'd love to ask you, and he stopped me, like, put his hand on my chest, 0.92
00:35:58.000 his hand on my chest, and was like, listen, You start buying beers, and I'll answer every question you want. 0.97
00:36:04.000 And I was like, alright. 0.98
00:36:05.000 So I started, I put my fucking dad's credit card down, and I fucking bought beers, and talked to him about comedy for like three hours. 0.99
00:36:12.000 It was fucking great. 0.99
00:36:13.000 He was one of the one dudes that did the Ice House Chronicles, and we had a long conversation afterwards. 0.97
00:36:18.000 I was with you.
00:36:20.000 Yeah, he was like, the camaraderie is so cool here.
00:36:23.000 It's like we have like real comedian camaraderie.
00:36:26.000 He was hammered and I said, I was with the two, I think I was with the two, I had a guy with me to drive me.
00:36:32.000 And I was like, Tom, let us take you to your, because he was hammered.
00:36:35.000 Yeah, we were trying to tell him, there's no way you're driving.
00:36:37.000 Yeah, and he was like, ah, don't worry about me.
00:36:40.000 I sleep in the car, I wake up and I go.
00:36:42.000 Yeah.
00:36:43.000 He slept in his car.
00:36:44.000 You can't do that.
00:36:45.000 That's illegal.
00:36:46.000 If you sleep in your car, they'll arrest you.
00:36:48.000 I just had a simulation thing happen to me, Joe.
00:36:52.000 That Dennis Leary video that we were talking about, last night I watched this movie called Happy, which is all about depression and stuff like that.
00:36:58.000 It's a documentary on Netflix.
00:36:59.000 I recommend it.
00:37:00.000 It's alright.
00:37:01.000 But there was a guy in the movie that was like a motivational speaker to kids.
00:37:05.000 And I was like, who is this guy?
00:37:07.000 It's the guy on the right right there.
00:37:08.000 I've never seen this guy ever in my life.
00:37:10.000 Lenny Clark. 0.99
00:37:10.000 Yeah, and now he's in this fucking video. 0.99
00:37:12.000 Oh, Lenny is going to be on the podcast. 0.99
00:37:13.000 Are you serious?
00:37:15.000 Oh, let me tell you something.
00:37:16.000 The second time I ever did stand-up for money, I opened for Lenny Clark.
00:37:19.000 I used to say it was the first time, but it's a lie, ladies and gentlemen.
00:37:22.000 The first time I opened up for a guy named Warren McDonald.
00:37:25.000 That's the first time I ever got paid.
00:37:27.000 But the second time I ever got paid, the truth is, I opened up for Lenny Clark.
00:37:30.000 And I was in a place called Jay's in Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
00:37:34.000 And Lenny, he's always been super cool to me.
00:37:38.000 God, look how fat Greg looks.
00:37:41.000 Does he look fat?
00:37:42.000 If you're comparing now... 1.00
00:37:45.000 How dare you, you son of a bitch. 1.00
00:37:52.000 At least you know that Greg would have been going, that was a horrible joke. 1.00
00:37:57.000 The big guy, by the way, Lenny has lost a shitload of weight.
00:38:01.000 Are you serious?
00:38:01.000 Yeah, Lenny is really thin now.
00:38:03.000 He's a six-pack.
00:38:04.000 Wait, are you serious?
00:38:06.000 In that documentary, he was pulling out towels because he wouldn't stop sweating.
00:38:10.000 And I was talking to the girl I was with last night, and I was like, Isn't that crazy?
00:38:13.000 He's just standing there talking to kids and he can't stop sweating.
00:38:17.000 There's like sweat all over his body.
00:38:19.000 What documentary was this?
00:38:20.000 It's called Happy and I just saw it last night.
00:38:23.000 I've never seen this guy before in my life and I just pull up this video and he's in this video. 0.98
00:38:26.000 It's so fucking... 0.93
00:38:28.000 Where's the part where Greg and Greg and what you call a fight? 0.98
00:38:31.000 We did that movie together, Here Comes the Boom, the Kevin James movie, and Lenny Clark was in that movie because it was shot in Boston and Lenny played a local Boston guy.
00:38:42.000 Lenny Clark, I fucking love that guy, but he lost a lot of weight, man.
00:38:46.000 He lost a ton of weight. 0.98
00:38:47.000 He looks great.
00:38:48.000 I mean, he's like really lean.
00:38:50.000 He doesn't have a gut at all.
00:38:52.000 We have a lot of Italian guys out of work who are very good at this.
00:38:58.000 That's true.
00:38:59.000 And I'm sure they would do it for a reasonable price, and they could come back, we could have a feast.
00:39:05.000 And like they did in a civil...
00:39:06.000 Is this where...
00:39:08.000 Where do they find out?
00:39:09.000 Well, it's about the time, I think, right here.
00:39:15.000 Well, what happens is Dennis Leary gets mad that Greg Giraldo has prepared material.
00:39:20.000 It's really hilarious.
00:39:24.000 Is it during the nukes of hazard?
00:39:30.000 I don't know.
00:39:31.000 Someone should find this off-air and figure it out because it's a really interesting...
00:39:38.000 There might be.
00:39:40.000 They're asking for what?
00:39:42.000 There's a non-violent way to solve a problem with a country that we hate, that hates us, that's got weapons pulling at us?
00:39:47.000 I don't think so.
00:39:47.000 No, you're right.
00:39:48.000 Like Russia, for example, that big Russian war. 0.99
00:39:50.000 Goddamn it, it's British. 1.00
00:39:52.000 There are things that... 0.98
00:39:55.000 There are approaches.
00:39:56.000 You have to be strong about it, but there are approaches.
00:39:58.000 There are economic benefits that we're giving them in order for them to stop developing their weapons.
00:40:02.000 I heard recently they agreed to stop building nukes if American women agree to get their nails done at least twice a week. 1.00
00:40:09.000 Here we go.
00:40:11.000 That's a good boy.
00:40:12.000 This guy writes so many jokes before the show, it's not even funny.
00:40:15.000 It's unbelievable.
00:40:16.000 He's got a pocket full of them.
00:40:18.000 They're good ones, huh?
00:40:19.000 I'm not saying they're not good.
00:40:21.000 I'm just saying.
00:40:22.000 It was right there.
00:40:23.000 That's kind of what we do here, Dennis.
00:40:24.000 We're a comedy writer.
00:40:27.000 Wow.
00:40:27.000 Oh, boy.
00:40:28.000 Here we go.
00:40:29.000 I'm not coming back.
00:40:30.000 You know what?
00:40:31.000 You heard a guy in school that did all the homework and then asked if there was any more that needed to be done.
00:40:36.000 That's a good point.
00:40:37.000 And if you had tried a little comedy writing, maybe your show would still be on the air.
00:40:46.000 Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh You know, but that's the thing that happens when dudes get famous.
00:40:57.000 They think a guy can't come along and clown you.
00:40:59.000 Dude, tell me about it.
00:41:01.000 It's the first time I went on the road and I realized there are killers that I've never heard of.
00:41:04.000 No, but when a guy gets famous to a point where you're a Tom Cruise or any sort of a person who's been in movies, Dennis Leary, when that came out, had been in a ton of movies.
00:41:15.000 He had been in some really high-profile movies.
00:41:17.000 I mean, he thought of himself as a guy who had made it.
00:41:20.000 So I think he probably assumed he was going to get a certain level of respect.
00:41:25.000 So when Gerardo hit him with, maybe if you did a little writing, your show would still be on the air.
00:41:30.000 That was like a nuclear weapon that he didn't see coming.
00:41:33.000 He didn't see that coming at all.
00:41:35.000 He got detonated on.
00:41:36.000 You know what's great about Geraldo?
00:41:37.000 Hubris.
00:41:39.000 That was hubris.
00:41:40.000 You look at the look on Geraldo's face, and you can see his eyes twitching, and you can see him going angry, going, uh, three, two, I got this, I got this, and then making his tactical call in his head, you can see that happening almost.
00:41:53.000 It's a superior mind.
00:41:55.000 Just not as famous, but a superior product.
00:41:59.000 What he would put out, his points of view would be superior.
00:42:02.000 The idea that there would be something funny and saying that someone prepared.
00:42:07.000 Like, look at him, he prepared. 0.69
00:42:08.000 Just being a bully. 0.99
00:42:09.000 The idea of that is ridiculous. 0.99
00:42:11.000 That's so crazy. 0.99
00:42:13.000 Like, oh, look at the painter.
00:42:14.000 He went and painted. 1.00
00:42:15.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00
00:42:16.000 What are you saying? 0.99
00:42:18.000 There's a certain personality that, and I'm not going to speak, I'm not saying this is Dennis Leary, but there is a certain personality that's so arrogant in that the way I say it will be so much better than the way you say it, as opposed to what I say is better than what you say.
00:42:32.000 So, like, you can hear the statement before him when he says, well, we're going to go to a war with a country?
00:42:38.000 Like, it was very arrogant, and he was like, yeah, like that great Russian war. 0.99
00:42:41.000 Like, yes, that does fucking work. 0.98
00:42:42.000 You're not listening to the words. 0.99
00:42:44.000 You're overlooking the thought.
00:42:47.000 Well, he has this idea that somehow or another he's going to be able to solve, what, hundreds of scholars and heads of states and diplomats and emissary workers.
00:43:00.000 No one can solve.
00:43:01.000 No one can solve.
00:43:01.000 But he's going to come along and tell you exactly how things need to be run.
00:43:06.000 The ideas of, first of all, communication between nations where they don't even speak the same fucking language, you know how difficult that shit is? 0.98
00:43:14.000 It's so fucking hard just to understand things in cultural context and explain those to the different people that are in your country that you're sort of representing because Koreans are not like Americans and Americans are not like Koreans. 0.99
00:43:28.000 People that live in North Korea do not understand how we're living in North America and the people in North America, for the most part, Really are fairly ignorant about what the fuck is going on in North Korea. 0.98
00:43:37.000 And one of the big reasons is because we can't fucking communicate with each other. 0.98
00:43:41.000 If we could communicate with each other, if everybody in North Korea knew how to speak English and they all could read the shit on the internet about how the world is run and what the fuck is really going on in the country and how the rest of the world views things, They would probably slowly but surely take action. 0.95
00:43:57.000 But the fact that they're separate from the rest of the world, the fact they speak this one very unique sort of a language that's difficult to learn and isn't translatable very easily to English or Spanish or Is Korean not translatable? 0.93
00:44:13.000 It's difficult.
00:44:14.000 It's a complex symbol, the way things are written and everything.
00:44:19.000 Our good friends are Korean.
00:44:20.000 We went to a Korean barbecue.
00:44:22.000 His name is Roy Choi.
00:44:23.000 He's the guy that started the taco truck.
00:44:25.000 The concept of the taco truck, it's him.
00:44:27.000 He started the taco truck?
00:44:28.000 He was the first guy?
00:44:29.000 The premise of these gourmet taco trucks.
00:44:33.000 He's Asian? 0.97
00:44:33.000 Yeah, Roy Choi. 0.97
00:44:35.000 He's good friends with Bourdain. 1.00
00:44:37.000 Asians don't give a fuck, dude. 1.00
00:44:39.000 They get things done. 1.00
00:44:40.000 They get things done.
00:44:41.000 Don't they?
00:44:42.000 They really get it done. 0.99
00:44:43.000 They fucking get things done. 0.99
00:44:45.000 They really do. 1.00
00:44:46.000 They're the fucking future of America. 1.00
00:44:49.000 When you eat... 1.00
00:44:50.000 How the fuck did they ever figure out how to get... 0.98
00:44:53.000 I don't even know what you've said yet. 0.98
00:44:55.000 A full, like, stranglehold on the manufacture of, like, electronic parts and... 0.94
00:45:06.000 TVs and laptops and shit. 0.75
00:45:08.000 Cars are over there now. 0.95
00:45:10.000 There's nowhere in Detroit.
00:45:11.000 No one's doing cars in Detroit.
00:45:13.000 Well isn't Chrysler still in Detroit?
00:45:15.000 And isn't Ford?
00:45:16.000 No, but no one's in Detroit.
00:45:17.000 Detroit's apparently in peril because everyone took their business to Asia.
00:45:22.000 Is it more an idiocracy?
00:45:26.000 Not idiocracy.
00:45:27.000 Theocracy?
00:45:28.000 Not theocracy.
00:45:29.000 What's the word I'm looking for? 0.93
00:45:30.000 Idiocracy.
00:45:31.000 Is it?
00:45:32.000 Idiocracy. 0.92
00:45:32.000 What are you trying to explain? 0.92
00:45:33.000 Where it's like the idea of the state is better than the person.
00:45:37.000 So everyone looks up to the state.
00:45:39.000 Passionism?
00:45:40.000 It's something like that where they care about their job.
00:45:43.000 Americans just don't care. 0.99
00:45:44.000 Well, you know what happened is, first of all, The cars they made sucked. 0.99
00:45:50.000 That happened. 0.98
00:45:51.000 In America?
00:45:51.000 Yeah.
00:45:52.000 Something happened. 0.99
00:45:53.000 We have to figure out what the fuck went wrong. 0.98
00:45:54.000 There was a period where we got really lazy. 0.99
00:45:56.000 What the fuck went wrong from like 1973 to like... 0.95
00:45:58.000 To the Ford Tempo. 0.99
00:45:59.000 ...1990 fucking 80. Ford Tempo was a fucking... 1.00
00:46:02.000 That was a phone-in job by the Americans. 1.00
00:46:05.000 That car sucked dick. 1.00
00:46:08.000 It sucked dick. 1.00
00:46:08.000 It sucked dick. 1.00
00:46:10.000 In 1989, the Ford Tempo sucked dick. 1.00
00:46:12.000 But the Ford Tempo is a Ford Tempo. 1.00
00:46:13.000 What the fuck happened to the Mustang? 0.98
00:46:16.000 Let me tell you something. 0.99
00:46:17.000 In the 80's it was great.
00:46:18.000 I can say this.
00:46:20.000 I have a Mustang today. 0.98
00:46:21.000 I have a Shelby GT500 and I fucking love it. 0.94
00:46:24.000 But that's a 2010. And between 1965 and 1972 or 1973 they had some dope fucking car. 0.99
00:46:35.000 Really like to 69. But then something happened in the 70's and the 80's. 0.99
00:46:40.000 You call that a fucking Mustang? 0.99
00:46:44.000 What are you, a communist? 1.00
00:46:46.000 Would a terrorist infiltrate the Ford plants and hold down the designers by gunpoint and gay up all the drawings? 1.00
00:46:55.000 How the fuck do you call that? 1.00
00:46:57.000 Or un-gay them. 1.00
00:46:58.000 I spell gay G-H-E-Y. Or un-gay them, Joe. 1.00
00:47:02.000 Homosexuals. 0.99
00:47:02.000 Because I wonder if it had to do with homosexuality and the fear of homophobia. 0.99
00:47:07.000 And they took all these great gay designers that were super closeted in the 50s and then there was this manliness and they disappeared. 0.57
00:47:14.000 Are you trying to say that Dick Suckin designed the Corvette? 0.61
00:47:17.000 No, there's no way you can tell me as a man what is sexy without knowing sexy as a man. 1.00
00:47:24.000 What the fuck are you talking about, Pete Townsend? 0.99
00:47:26.000 The Corvette is the sexiest car you can put me in. 1.00
00:47:29.000 Is it really?
00:47:30.000 I just drove one from Miami to Marco Island, and I tell you right now, the second I sat in that seat, I would let the steering wheel be close to my face because I wanted it there. 0.98
00:47:39.000 It was just fucking... 0.98
00:47:40.000 What kind of car was it? 1.00
00:47:42.000 A Corvette.
00:47:43.000 Which year?
00:47:44.000 Brand new.
00:47:44.000 Brand new.
00:47:45.000 3,000 miles convertible.
00:47:47.000 Oh, the new ones.
00:47:48.000 Was it a 426?
00:47:49.000 I have no idea.
00:47:51.000 The 426s, they have the Z06 engine and suspension and a convertible. 0.95
00:47:56.000 So fucking hot. 0.99
00:47:57.000 Like, I just felt cool as shit in that car. 0.99
00:47:59.000 That's not a Corvette, Brian. 0.99
00:48:00.000 That's a goddamn Miata, and it's pink. 1.00
00:48:02.000 How dare you hate America on this podcast? 1.00
00:48:09.000 Hating America! 1.00
00:48:12.000 I gotta poop. 0.99
00:48:13.000 Well, why don't you go poop, man?
00:48:14.000 We'll wait.
00:48:15.000 We'll hold on.
00:48:16.000 Yeah.
00:48:16.000 What time is your comedy show tonight, Brian?
00:48:19.000 I don't know.
00:48:20.000 Can we guide people in your general direction?
00:48:22.000 No, I don't even know where I'm going to go.
00:48:23.000 I'm just going to try to get up somewhere.
00:48:24.000 No, when you do that, what do you do?
00:48:26.000 You just show up and say, hey.
00:48:27.000 Show up and try to sneak my way in.
00:48:28.000 Hey, my name is Brian Redband.
00:48:30.000 You might know me on Twitter.
00:48:31.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:48:32.000 Is that what you do?
00:48:33.000 Yeah.
00:48:34.000 Why don't you start a room your own, Brian?
00:48:38.000 Huh?
00:48:38.000 I did.
00:48:39.000 I have like three rooms every day.
00:48:41.000 So, do you think ever we'll be all contained under one roof?
00:48:44.000 Do you think that ever the full Death Squad family will have podcast studios in one gigantic warehouse?
00:48:49.000 I'm in.
00:48:50.000 Because that's what I'm saying.
00:48:51.000 I'm in.
00:48:52.000 I'm saying we also duplicate this at the Onnit compound in Texas.
00:48:55.000 Why not?
00:48:56.000 Yes, Austin, let's go.
00:48:57.000 High fence, thousands of acres, our own lake, plus deer to shoot.
00:49:01.000 How do we get it?
00:49:02.000 How do we get it? 1.00
00:49:03.000 Solar power, bitch. 1.00
00:49:04.000 Did I say, what, what? 1.00
00:49:06.000 Maybe we can have our own fucking satellite, okay? 0.99
00:49:08.000 How do we get it? 0.98
00:49:09.000 How do we get, like, a Death Squad, like, studio and a warehouse where we can make TV shows?
00:49:15.000 It's easy.
00:49:15.000 Well, I don't want to make a TV show.
00:49:16.000 Let's put, why not?
00:49:17.000 Why not? 1.00
00:49:18.000 Because I'm busy, bitch! 1.00
00:49:19.000 I'm busy! 1.00
00:49:20.000 No, joke.
00:49:21.000 It just needs to be an umbrella.
00:49:23.000 Listen, if I make a TV show, here's my next TV show.
00:49:25.000 I'm going to play pool.
00:49:26.000 I think it's a great idea.
00:49:28.000 It's not boring.
00:49:29.000 It's not boring. 1.00
00:49:30.000 It's not for you, bitch. 1.00
00:49:31.000 It's not for you. 1.00
00:49:32.000 99% of the people.
00:49:33.000 The other show is, we are very close to sign, I can't say with who, but there's a show that is a, a lot of it is based in the podcast.
00:49:43.000 What are you doing?
00:49:44.000 Taking text messages?
00:49:45.000 No!
00:49:45.000 Talking about them live on the air?
00:49:47.000 This person said that they got a new phone number.
00:49:49.000 They're like, sorry, I got a new phone number.
00:49:50.000 And I thought they were lying.
00:49:51.000 But now they're sending me pictures of this.
00:49:53.000 Is that...
00:49:53.000 Who is that?
00:49:55.000 Gaddafi?
00:49:56.000 Is that Gaddafi?
00:49:57.000 Yeah.
00:49:57.000 Alright, so it might be not the person I'm thinking of.
00:49:59.000 Okay.
00:50:00.000 You're getting someone sending you murdered people.
00:50:02.000 Wait, what's a new show you're doing?
00:50:04.000 What's that?
00:50:04.000 What's a new TV show you're doing?
00:50:05.000 Oh, it's based a lot of it on controversial subjects, and all of it will start off from the podcast, like examining all sorts of different...
00:50:15.000 There's no tentative...
00:50:16.000 Well, we sort of have a tentative title, but I'm not necessarily happy with it.
00:50:19.000 So the idea is, like the way we've done the podcast, where we explore all these different ideas, whether it's shamanism or ghosts or Bigfoot or UFOs or...
00:50:29.000 Fringe topics, crop circles, reincarnation, psychics.
00:50:33.000 And we're going to talk about it on the podcast.
00:50:36.000 I'll have a guy like you or Ari or Duncan or Joey or any comedian come on and we'll say, you know, it's like we'll do it right now.
00:50:43.000 What do you think about Bigfoot?
00:50:44.000 Do you think that it's possible there could be an undiscovered primate?
00:50:49.000 That people have been talking about and reporting for ages. 0.99
00:50:52.000 And it's somehow another eluded photography except for a few really questionable photos and some really fucking shitty video that looks fake as fuck. 0.99
00:51:02.000 Put all that aside. 0.99
00:51:03.000 Put all the hoaxes aside.
00:51:04.000 Do you think it's possible?
00:51:05.000 I think it's possible.
00:51:06.000 100%.
00:51:07.000 Why do you think that?
00:51:07.000 Because I believe.
00:51:08.000 Whoa.
00:51:09.000 Yeah, I believe.
00:51:10.000 Wow.
00:51:10.000 I believe in Loch Ness Monster.
00:51:12.000 I believe in Chupacabra.
00:51:13.000 You believe you can fly?
00:51:14.000 Do I believe I can fly?
00:51:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:16.000 Do you believe you would let R. Kelly pee on you if you were a 14-year-old girl and you didn't know why you were there in the first place?
00:51:19.000 I definitely believe that I have the capability to fly in my body.
00:51:23.000 I just haven't figured it out.
00:51:25.000 And once we do tap into that, I will be able to fly.
00:51:27.000 Okay.
00:51:27.000 But like Bill Hicks used to say, start on the ground floor.
00:51:30.000 Exactly.
00:51:33.000 Bill Hicks had a great joke about a young man who, unassied, thought he could fly, left to his death.
00:51:39.000 What a tragedy. 1.00
00:51:40.000 He goes, what an idiot. 1.00
00:51:41.000 He goes, if you thought he could fly, why did he start off on the ground? 1.00
00:51:45.000 Don't you feel like that?
00:51:45.000 I remember when Star Wars Return of the Jedi came out.
00:51:49.000 No, no, Empire Strikes Back came out.
00:51:51.000 I remember watching Luke move stuff with his mind. 0.97
00:51:55.000 And I remember being in the back of my car, trying to do that hard as fuck, like staring at objects going like... 0.97
00:52:02.000 Get it up. 0.99
00:52:03.000 Trying to make shit fly. 0.99
00:52:04.000 I swear to God, because I was like, that seems logical. 0.99
00:52:07.000 Well, there's certain aspects of life that seem so preposterous and unrealistic.
00:52:11.000 I mean, static electricity. 0.99
00:52:12.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99
00:52:13.000 It just hits you. 1.00
00:52:14.000 Have you seen those Tesla experiments where he was touching electricity and it was like a bolt was flying through this big Tesla coil and it's connected to his arm?
00:52:23.000 Hold on.
00:52:23.000 Have you seen any of those photos?
00:52:24.000 Did Tesla just come? 1.00
00:52:26.000 Have you seen the new Tesla fucking car? 0.99
00:52:28.000 Did you see them all explode when Hurricane Sandy hit the beach in New Jersey? 1.00
00:52:34.000 What?
00:52:34.000 Yeah, there was a whole warehouse that had a dock and they had all these new Karmas.
00:52:42.000 That's what it was.
00:52:42.000 The Fisker Karma.
00:52:44.000 It wasn't a Tesla.
00:52:45.000 Tesla looks badass.
00:52:46.000 50 grand, it looks gorgeous.
00:52:48.000 There's quite a few really beautiful electric cars right now, but the Fisker Karma is the one.
00:52:53.000 And they had, like, 16 of them, I think, exploded on the docks.
00:52:58.000 So they had them on the docks, and the water came up. 0.96
00:53:00.000 When the water hit these fucking electric docks, they just burst into flames. 0.97
00:53:05.000 Like Transformers? 0.99
00:53:06.000 Yes! 0.99
00:53:06.000 They just fucking blew up. 0.99
00:53:09.000 And everybody was like, oh, oh, okay. 1.00
00:53:11.000 Shit! 1.00
00:53:12.000 I don't think they knew that would happen. 1.00
00:53:14.000 What happens if you drive over fucking standing water? 0.99
00:53:17.000 What if you drive home from a flood? 1.00
00:53:19.000 Does your fucking car explode? 1.00
00:53:21.000 Okay, because I can deal with my car shorting out. 1.00
00:53:23.000 It's raining and you're just sitting there scared to leave.
00:53:26.000 But if I can save like two bucks a gallon but my car explodes when I hit a puddle.
00:53:32.000 Is that gonna happen? 0.99
00:53:33.000 Is that what the fuck is really going on? 0.97
00:53:35.000 Really, Fischer karma people? 1.00
00:53:37.000 That Tesla looks bad as shit. 0.98
00:53:38.000 It was either Motor Trend or Road and Track, Car of the Year. 0.99
00:53:44.000 One of those big magazines made it the Car of the Year, the Tesla, not the Roadster, but the larger car, something S. It's like a four-door, and apparently it's just a marvel of engineering.
00:53:58.000 The real problem is going to be state taxes on roads. 0.99
00:54:02.000 The roads will go to shit. 0.99
00:54:03.000 There's a lot of problems. 0.98
00:54:04.000 Another problem is the fact that everybody wants to pretend that buying some sort of an electric car removes you from the fossil fuel food chain, but it doesn't.
00:54:13.000 In fact, it connects you with some even shadier minerals on a really large scale, like lithium ion and all those different minerals.
00:54:20.000 A lot of those are conflict minerals.
00:54:23.000 They come from the Congo, they come from Afghanistan, they come from like If I was Brian Callan, I'd say, Afghanistan. 1.00
00:54:29.000 If I was Amber Lyon, I'd say, what was it?
00:54:35.000 Bahrain.
00:54:36.000 Please, not in the book.
00:54:37.000 Bahrain.
00:54:37.000 Bahrain.
00:54:39.000 These minerals that you need to create a lithium-ion battery, by the way, mad love to Brian Callan and mad love to Amber Lyon. 0.99
00:54:49.000 We're just fucking with you. 0.98
00:54:50.000 Those minerals that you need to make batteries, they come from really fucking imprisoned and impoverished areas. 0.99
00:54:56.000 They're conflict minerals. 0.76
00:54:58.000 Lithium ion is officially like a conflict mineral. 0.99
00:55:00.000 Like a lot of shit that you need to even make cell phones. 0.98
00:55:04.000 I think Vice had a guide. 0.99
00:55:06.000 They did a Vice Guide to Travel episode where Shane Smith went to the Congo.
00:55:11.000 I don't know why they're not on Travel Channel. 0.99
00:55:13.000 I would love to see one of their fucking shows. 0.99
00:55:15.000 Because it's too deep. 1.00
00:55:16.000 They go too deep. 1.00
00:55:16.000 That's the same shit Bourdain does. 1.00
00:55:18.000 No, they go way further than Bourdain. 1.00
00:55:23.000 Way further!
00:55:24.000 It's not even close.
00:55:26.000 It's not even close. 0.99
00:55:27.000 Where Vice goes to the fucking Congo deep, deep, deep and talks to warlords. 0.99
00:55:32.000 Really? 1.00
00:55:32.000 They go looking for dinosaurs. 1.00
00:55:34.000 Yeah, I'd love to see that.
00:55:36.000 I think they can put that on.
00:55:37.000 Why not?
00:55:38.000 We enjoy watching it on the internet.
00:55:39.000 Why can't we travel to anybody alone?
00:55:41.000 You're correct.
00:55:42.000 However, most people that run these organizations, whether it's a network or cable or whether it was broadcast television, They're very conservative because they're trying to sell advertising space.
00:55:55.000 Yeah, I guess.
00:55:55.000 So when a company like Vice comes along and they have a Vice guy...
00:55:59.000 And they're literally... 0.96
00:56:00.000 And they have no respect for any corporation at all because they'll do what the fuck they need to do to make what they think is real. 0.97
00:56:05.000 And they have videos where Hamilton Morris goes into the jungle and he's taking crazy drugs and lying on his back and... 0.95
00:56:13.000 I mean, they're not going to sell Tide during those times.
00:56:16.000 They're going to have to accept that.
00:56:18.000 They're not going to sell Tide!
00:56:19.000 But they do! 1.00
00:56:21.000 See, that's what's really stupid. 0.99
00:56:22.000 It's like there's this weird sort of game that we play, whereas we pretend that the people that see all the fucked up things that you can find on the internet are not the same people. 0.99
00:56:34.000 That wash their clothes. 0.93
00:56:35.000 Yeah, that wash their clothes.
00:56:37.000 I wash my clothes.
00:56:38.000 Or buy gas or any of the variables.
00:56:41.000 Any of the things where you try to target people. 0.99
00:56:43.000 We're all the same fucking people, man. 1.00
00:56:46.000 We just have access to different shit now. 1.00
00:56:49.000 We need to accept that. 0.99
00:56:50.000 You need to just stop pretending that we're living in some sort of a Catholic school, you know, Sandra Bullock movie view of the world.
00:56:59.000 It's not.
00:57:00.000 It's not reality. 1.00
00:57:01.000 Reality is there's a lot of fucked up shit out there and I can find it now. 1.00
00:57:05.000 I can find it on the internet. 1.00
00:57:06.000 It's really easy.
00:57:07.000 So you need to sort of adjust your expectations accordingly because there's a lot of evidence. 0.95
00:57:11.000 A lot of evidence that shows that reality is pretty fucking slippery. 0.91
00:57:14.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:57:15.000 There's a lot of nutty shit out there. 1.00
00:57:16.000 But that Tesla car looks bad as fuck. 1.00
00:57:18.000 Yeah, but it will explode if you hit a bottle. 0.99
00:57:22.000 What a horrible feeling.
00:57:24.000 They look dope.
00:57:25.000 That's the 426, that one that Brian just put up.
00:57:28.000 That's the new Corvette convertible.
00:57:30.000 It's got a 505 horsepower.
00:57:33.000 The last version of this engine, I think it's called the LS1. I might be wrong, but it's a huge fucking power and torque. 0.99
00:57:43.000 That's also in the ZR1, the same engine they supercharge it in the ZR1. It produces 648 horsepower. 0.98
00:57:51.000 For people who talk about muscle cars, this is the greatest era of muscle cars in the history of the fucking world. 0.99
00:57:59.000 Really? 0.80
00:58:00.000 Yeah, the muscle cars that people are creating now actually can...
00:58:03.000 They take turns and they actually have good brakes.
00:58:05.000 There's a Shelby Mustang they have now that's unbelievable.
00:58:08.000 The regular Mustang, they have the 302 Boss Mustang.
00:58:12.000 It's like they're moderately powered. 0.99
00:58:15.000 It has 440 fucking horsepower. 1.00
00:58:18.000 It's unbelievably powerful. 1.00
00:58:20.000 Is it the Dodge Challenger? 0.98
00:58:24.000 Sick! 0.52
00:58:25.000 It's more of a muscle car though.
00:58:27.000 We went to drive Lamborghinis and Ferraris and Porsches on a track for a trip flip and the dudes just wanted to drive the Dodge Challenger.
00:58:39.000 They would take you out for a ride and they were like, this is more fun for us to drive.
00:58:44.000 Why is that? 0.93
00:58:44.000 I have no fucking idea, but they did everything and they do the burnouts where they spin in circles. 0.93
00:58:49.000 They're like, it's just more fun. 0.98
00:58:51.000 Like, those things, you know, I think, like, I definitely have driven a ton of those Lamborghini type cars. 0.81
00:58:56.000 Those things are fun as fuck, but it is a different drive than like, it is really... 0.90
00:59:02.000 You don't feel as loose maybe as you do in a Dodge Challenger. 0.99
00:59:05.000 Like in a Dodge Challenger you're fucking sliding and you're feeling it. 0.95
00:59:09.000 It's fun. 0.99
00:59:09.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:59:10.000 Well they have a broad sort of you could pick from like a lower horsepower engine to like a really ridiculous engine and those things.
00:59:20.000 You could like ramp it up.
00:59:22.000 And there's a lot of people take those cars and they ramp them up even more.
00:59:25.000 Like Hennessy.
00:59:26.000 I know Hennessy makes like a 700 horsepower Challenger.
00:59:28.000 I love when you get like those special edition cars.
00:59:31.000 Yeah.
00:59:31.000 What they are though, the muscle cars of old, those things, you couldn't take corners in them.
00:59:38.000 These are completely different animals.
00:59:40.000 But the Challenger is still like a muscle car.
00:59:44.000 Whereas the Camaro has become almost like a sports car because they handle so well.
00:59:49.000 It might have been a Camaro they were driving, now that I'm thinking about it.
00:59:53.000 But we were taking corners in the Lamborghini at like 90 miles an hour.
00:59:57.000 Taking corners. 0.99
00:59:59.000 Fucking insane. 1.00
01:00:00.000 Yeah, you can do ridiculous shit with sports cars. 1.00
01:00:02.000 I flew to Italy for a day to drive a Ferrari down the coast. 0.99
01:00:07.000 I had to drive a Ferrari.
01:00:09.000 I think I texted you about it.
01:00:10.000 Yeah, which one did you drive? 0.99
01:00:11.000 I have no fucking clue. 0.97
01:00:13.000 But I just drove it down the coast and I had a chase car in front of me and a chase car behind me and they just taped it. 0.99
01:00:17.000 And I just fucking flew. 0.57
01:00:19.000 It was so much fun. 0.98
01:00:21.000 Like those paddle just flying. 1.00
01:00:24.000 Yeah, those paddle shifters. 1.00
01:00:26.000 A lot of people are upset about that shit though. 0.99
01:00:28.000 A lot of people think that a real sports car, you should shift it manually, and that just because it's quicker to shift it with the paddles, you're missing out on part of the experience. 0.99
01:00:36.000 And I kind of agree, man, because I like shifting my own gears.
01:00:40.000 There's something fun about it.
01:00:41.000 I do too, but there's so many people that probably have never learned how to do that that can't learn on a Ferrari.
01:00:46.000 I'm sure that's just a sales thing, because the paddle shifters are much easier.
01:00:50.000 Yeah.
01:00:51.000 Way, way easier.
01:00:52.000 But it's not as satisfying.
01:00:53.000 It's not that it's hard to shift your own gears, but there's something that's like mechanically engaging about putting the clutch in, sliding the shifter forward, letting the clutch out, hitting the gas at the same time.
01:01:05.000 Something super sexy when you met a girl that knew how to drive a stick. 1.00
01:01:08.000 And you were like, yeah.
01:01:10.000 Like, yeah, you got a good dad. 0.99
01:01:12.000 Especially if it was like a fucking Mustang or something crazy. 1.00
01:01:15.000 This dirty bitch is out there driving a big fat V8. She wants to drive when you go to the movies and you've got to say no. 1.00
01:01:25.000 And you've got to not let her be on top the first time you fuck either. 1.00
01:01:27.000 It's very important. 0.99
01:01:28.000 You've got to establish dominance immediately, Bert Kreischer. 0.99
01:01:32.000 You've got to grab that bitch and let her know the feeling of gravity and the density of the bones in your hips. 1.00
01:01:38.000 You know what I'm saying, Brian? 1.00
01:01:39.000 Mm-hmm.
01:01:40.000 Mm-hmm.
01:01:41.000 Hollaback.
01:01:42.000 Ooh-hoo.
01:01:44.000 So Bert Kreischer...
01:01:45.000 How much time do you spend on the road lately? 0.99
01:01:48.000 I'm fucking dickloaded. 0.97
01:01:49.000 I'm on the road every week, I feel like. 0.99
01:01:51.000 I'm home two days this week.
01:01:53.000 I'm gonna take a leak.
01:01:53.000 Talk to Brian about it.
01:01:54.000 Okay.
01:01:56.000 This is in the podcast.
01:01:57.000 It's been four hours.
01:01:59.000 Give me just five minutes.
01:02:00.000 Just five minutes, Brian.
01:02:01.000 I'll tell you a story.
01:02:02.000 Alright.
01:02:03.000 Tell me a story, sweetie.
01:02:04.000 Okay.
01:02:07.000 Do you want to hear the story that I had?
01:02:10.000 Okay, I'll tell you a good story.
01:02:12.000 Let's talk a secret story.
01:02:14.000 Let's talk a secret story.
01:02:16.000 This is the reason no one would listen to the Brian and Bert podcast.
01:02:21.000 Because I find you funny too often.
01:02:24.000 Oh, thank you.
01:02:26.000 I find you funny all the time.
01:02:28.000 No, no, but I listen to the podcast and when I hear you say things that maybe stop Joe or Dice...
01:02:35.000 You said two or three things that made me laugh so hard during the Dice podcast.
01:02:39.000 I'm smoking in the studio right now like a bad boy.
01:02:42.000 What's in that room right there?
01:02:44.000 Behind me is just an empty room.
01:02:46.000 There's a lot of empty rooms here at the studio.
01:02:48.000 So I'll tell you the story, okay, Ryan?
01:02:50.000 All right.
01:02:51.000 So I checked into, I did Columbus, and then I did, right after that, I did Kentucky.
01:02:58.000 Right.
01:02:59.000 Checked into the Kentucky Hotel, the hotel in Kentucky.
01:03:02.000 And I have four bags.
01:03:03.000 I have shirts.
01:03:04.000 I have shirts for two weeks.
01:03:05.000 So I have four bags.
01:03:07.000 Bellman takes my bags.
01:03:08.000 I have to let him take them to my room because you know he's going to get a tip.
01:03:12.000 We go in the elevator.
01:03:12.000 He asks what I do.
01:03:13.000 I say I'm a comic.
01:03:14.000 We get out, and the second our door opens, another door opens, and it's an older white dude.
01:03:21.000 And he walks out like three steps behind us, and he follows me down the hallway three steps behind us, all the way until we get to the end of the hall where my door is.
01:03:28.000 And I'm like, is he going to my room?
01:03:29.000 Turns out he's in the room directly next to mine.
01:03:31.000 So as he goes to open the door and put his key in, I jokingly, in front of this bellman, thinking he'll laugh, I go, hey man, if you want, we can open up that center door and hang out all weekend.
01:03:42.000 And the guy now is nervous and he's trying to get his key in and he's like, no, I don't want to do that.
01:03:47.000 And I go, well, it could be cool.
01:03:49.000 We'll get to know each other.
01:03:49.000 Wait, you said this to a guy?
01:03:51.000 I said this to this guy.
01:03:51.000 Why would you say that to a guy?
01:03:52.000 Just fucking around. 1.00
01:03:52.000 What, having to kiss you or something? 1.00
01:03:54.000 No, just fucking around. 1.00
01:03:54.000 Why would you ever even bring that up? 1.00
01:03:56.000 Just fucking around. 1.00
01:03:57.000 Just fucking around as a comic should do. 1.00
01:03:59.000 Alright. 0.99
01:04:00.000 But what if he said yes?
01:04:02.000 I don't think he will.
01:04:03.000 He's an older man.
01:04:04.000 Yeah, but what if he did?
01:04:05.000 He's an older man. 1.00
01:04:06.000 You asking someone for some butt sex? 1.00
01:04:07.000 Yeah, he wants butt sex. 1.00
01:04:08.000 I'll tell you the story. 0.99
01:04:10.000 I checked into the Kentucky Improv or whatever, Louisville.
01:04:17.000 And I have four bags with me, and the bellman takes my bags up the elevator for me.
01:04:20.000 Is this a gay story? 0.67
01:04:22.000 No, it's not at all. 0.98
01:04:22.000 It's super gay. 0.98
01:04:24.000 It's one of the funnier things I've done in a long time.
01:04:26.000 Can we put music through the back of it?
01:04:27.000 Yes.
01:04:28.000 And we'll wrap it up with this?
01:04:29.000 Is this a strong enough story to close the podcast that way?
01:04:31.000 It might be, it might be.
01:04:32.000 Okay, pull up Roadkill Ghost Choir Beggar's Guild, and we're going to play that in the background.
01:04:38.000 Come on, sweetie, let me design this thing.
01:04:40.000 I know what I'm doing.
01:04:42.000 Trust me.
01:04:42.000 Oh, did you pull up Miss me?
01:04:44.000 No, no, you can't kiss me.
01:04:46.000 You've got to stop.
01:04:47.000 You know, we're playing that out.
01:04:49.000 We already did that today.
01:04:51.000 With the Brad Pitt, Steven Dorf thing.
01:04:53.000 Roadkill, Ghost Choir, and the song is Beggar's Guild.
01:04:59.000 We need to get a Desquad iTunes account, don't we?
01:05:02.000 We can just order things online.
01:05:04.000 You know what we need?
01:05:04.000 Real internet.
01:05:05.000 Hi.
01:05:06.000 Hi, real internet.
01:05:08.000 We need to hang out at Desquad more.
01:05:09.000 Yeah, okay.
01:05:10.000 We can do one this week, Sarah.
01:05:12.000 We want to do Fridays there?
01:05:13.000 We can do Fridays there with Callum.
01:05:14.000 Fridays, yeah, because I have an ice house.
01:05:16.000 Okay, beautiful.
01:05:18.000 Alright.
01:05:19.000 Now, Burk Crusher, what were you trying to tell me?
01:05:21.000 Jesus Christ.
01:05:22.000 What were you telling me, buddy?
01:05:24.000 What were you telling me? 1.00
01:05:25.000 You were in Don't be ignorant, you Columbus, Ohio fuckneck. 1.00
01:05:32.000 Columbus, Ohio fuckneck! 1.00
01:05:35.000 Fuckneck, I just invented it. 0.99
01:05:37.000 I never heard it myself. 0.89
01:05:39.000 Probably the wrong song for this, but...
01:05:41.000 It's the perfect song for us.
01:05:43.000 Tell me what happened.
01:05:44.000 A little volume, please.
01:05:45.000 Yeah, a little more volume.
01:05:47.000 So I check into the Kentucky Improv.
01:05:49.000 And a black dude checks in my bags.
01:05:51.000 He grabs my bags, puts them on the trailer thing.
01:05:53.000 Brings them in the elevator.
01:05:54.000 I gotta let him take it to the room.
01:05:55.000 He's earned his tip, right?
01:05:56.000 Right, right.
01:05:58.000 So we take him up to my room.
01:05:59.000 He says, what do you do?
01:06:00.000 I said, I'm a comedian.
01:06:01.000 He goes, oh, okay.
01:06:03.000 And we don't talk after that.
01:06:04.000 Doors open.
01:06:05.000 Second order, elevator door open. 0.69
01:06:07.000 The doors next to us and the elevator next to us open.
01:06:09.000 And an older white dude walks out and follows us and he ghosts us.
01:06:13.000 Down like...
01:06:14.000 The whole hallway.
01:06:15.000 Everywhere we go, he follows us. 0.99
01:06:16.000 He's going wherever the fuck we're going. 0.98
01:06:18.000 We get all the way down the end of the hallway. 0.99
01:06:20.000 How far away is he walking behind you?
01:06:22.000 Three feet behind us the whole time. 1.00
01:06:24.000 I would've knocked that motherfucker unconscious. 1.00
01:06:26.000 It's awkward. 1.00
01:06:27.000 It's awkward, and we're both noticing it.
01:06:28.000 You didn't confront him?
01:06:29.000 We're all noticing it.
01:06:30.000 So we get to the last door, and I'm thinking, is this guy going to my room?
01:06:33.000 I would assume that guy's trying to do something bad to you. 0.99
01:06:35.000 Kissing the butt. 0.99
01:06:36.000 You wouldn't assume there's something really wrong going on? 0.99
01:06:38.000 That's what I would think.
01:06:40.000 What would you do?
01:06:41.000 What would the last thing you would do, Joe?
01:06:43.000 Listen, here's what happens.
01:06:44.000 First of all, when someone is mirroring you like that, they're being very disrespectful.
01:06:49.000 Because they're not just following you, they're letting you know they're following you, and they're doing it in a very arrogant way.
01:06:57.000 Or they're being flirty.
01:06:58.000 Well, here's what happened.
01:07:00.000 That could be psychotic.
01:07:01.000 Here's what happened.
01:07:02.000 What would you do, Jeff? 0.99
01:07:03.000 Immediately, I would ask them what the fuck is going on. 0.99
01:07:05.000 Watch what he does. 0.99
01:07:08.000 It turns out he's in the room next to me.
01:07:11.000 So he was going to his room.
01:07:14.000 Were you high?
01:07:16.000 I was drunk.
01:07:18.000 So you were paranoid?
01:07:19.000 No, but I was thinking about it.
01:07:20.000 Were you scared about life?
01:07:22.000 Who were you thinking about?
01:07:23.000 I was thinking about the black guy knew I was a comic.
01:07:26.000 And I wanted him to know that I knew Kevin Hart.
01:07:29.000 Because that's what I thought he would love.
01:07:31.000 That was going to save you?
01:07:31.000 No, no, hold on.
01:07:32.000 And so the old guy goes to open his door.
01:07:35.000 And I jokingly...
01:07:36.000 Now, I told the black guy I'm a comic, but I haven't done anything funny, so I jokingly look at the old guy and I go, hey, if you want, we can open up that connecting door and we can hang out all weekend. 0.93
01:07:48.000 It gets better.
01:07:49.000 It gets better, Brian.
01:07:51.000 So the guy's now can't get his, because now I've panicked him, and he can't get his door open.
01:07:55.000 And he goes, no, no, I don't want that to happen.
01:07:56.000 And I go, no, it'd be cool, man.
01:07:58.000 We'll open it up.
01:07:58.000 We'll hang out with, like, the darkness and just talk to each other at night.
01:08:02.000 And he can't get his door open.
01:08:03.000 And finally gets his door open, and he goes, I don't want that to happen!
01:08:06.000 The door opens, and before he can close it, I stick my head in, and I go, hey, man, if you change your mind, knock and scratch.
01:08:17.000 So he goes, no! 0.99
01:08:18.000 And he shuts the door, and he's fucking panicked. 0.99
01:08:20.000 And I look to the black guy, and the black guy's gone. 0.99
01:08:22.000 He's in my room. 0.79
01:08:23.000 Okay? 1.00
01:08:24.000 So I go, fuck, I did that joke for nothing. 1.00
01:08:26.000 So I go into the room, and the black guy's putting the bags down. 1.00
01:08:29.000 And he gets down all the bags, and I go to take...
01:08:31.000 You might want to get ready to cue the music, Brian.
01:08:34.000 I go to give him a tip, and the black guy looks at me and shakes his head, and he goes, no. 0.71
01:08:38.000 I said, well, I gotta give you a tip, man.
01:08:39.000 He took my bags up here.
01:08:40.000 And he goes, no.
01:08:41.000 Just knock and scratch.
01:08:43.000 Yeah.
01:08:45.000 So I look at the black guy and go, okay. 1.00
01:08:47.000 So I knock and I scratch and the guy in the other room goes, I don't want to fucking hang out, man! 0.99
01:08:53.000 And the black guy falls apart laughing. 0.99
01:08:55.000 He's on the ground like... 0.83
01:08:57.000 So the guy in the next room called downstairs?
01:09:00.000 No, no, [...
01:09:02.000 The black guy, the guy I told the joke for in the first place, heard the whole thing and he goes, no, man, don't do it. 0.94
01:09:08.000 You got to knock and scratch. 0.99
01:09:09.000 So I knocked and scratched and the fucking guy's like, I don't want to hang out, man! 0.99
01:09:13.000 Burt Christy, that's rude. 0.99
01:09:14.000 Oh, it's fucking the funniest thing I've ever done. 1.00
01:09:16.000 You're taking a poor guy with a lot of insecurity and you're fucking with his head. 0.99
01:09:18.000 Funniest thing I've ever done. 0.99
01:09:20.000 But that's kind of bully-ish. 1.00
01:09:22.000 You feel bad for that poor dude, scared of dicks in his ass? 1.00
01:09:25.000 So bad. 1.00
01:09:25.000 So bad the whole weekend I kept talking loud as fuck in my room just going, I know he's listening to me. 1.00
01:09:30.000 Why don't you just knock on the door and say, hey, man, I'm a comedian. 0.98
01:09:33.000 I'm really sorry.
01:09:34.000 It was past that.
01:09:35.000 It was past that.
01:09:36.000 It was past that?
01:09:37.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99
01:09:37.000 So you had to just, like, fucking just burn all the evidence. 0.99
01:09:41.000 I had to fucking blow up the flamethrower. 1.00
01:09:44.000 You just had to fucking shoot rockets from helicopters. 0.99
01:09:49.000 Is this the Incredible Hulk music? 0.99
01:09:51.000 This is the end.
01:09:52.000 This is the end. 1.00
01:09:54.000 I could fucking, I could do this. 0.99
01:09:56.000 I could do this podcast a whole fucking night. 0.99
01:09:58.000 My only friend. 0.99
01:10:00.000 The end.
01:10:02.000 Well, thank you very much, Death Squad Ohio. 1.00
01:10:04.000 You, sir, are a bad motherfucker. 0.99
01:10:06.000 I had such a great time today, man. 1.00
01:10:07.000 You're welcome anytime, my friend.
01:10:10.000 If there's anything we could do to help you in any way, shape, or form.
01:10:13.000 You've done everything you could imagine.
01:10:14.000 My vodka coming when it starts.
01:10:16.000 Let us know, Bert Kreischer. 1.00
01:10:18.000 We will launch that bitch. 1.00
01:10:20.000 Machine Vodka is in motion, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99
01:10:24.000 Machine Vodka just became an official sponsor of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast.
01:10:29.000 They have one year free sponsorship.
01:10:32.000 We will talk about Machine Vodka for one year for absolutely zero money.
01:10:35.000 And you will buy it all up and Bert Kreisch will have a helicopter.
01:10:39.000 And a place on a volcano in Hawaii.
01:10:42.000 So I can fly to our Texas compound with the high walls.
01:10:45.000 Bert Kreischer's gonna buy Terrence McKenna's house on the Big Island and convert it into a bikini factory.
01:10:53.000 Where the hottest girls in the world will make a thousand dollars an hour and they'll make bikinis. 1.00
01:10:57.000 And Leight Meester will be one of my models.
01:11:00.000 Exactly.
01:11:01.000 With Rachel Ray. 0.99
01:11:02.000 And Les Miserables will play in the background until everyone becomes a sex slave. 1.00
01:11:08.000 Zombie. 1.00
01:11:09.000 Robot.
01:11:10.000 Remote control. 0.99
01:11:10.000 This has been a fun fucking afternoon of talking. 0.99
01:11:12.000 Yeah, it was beautiful, man. 0.98
01:11:13.000 This is what we should do all the time.
01:11:15.000 We should do this once a week.
01:11:16.000 You are the reason I have a podcast. 1.00
01:11:18.000 I'm a grateful fucking man. 0.99
01:11:20.000 You're the reason the podcast is successful. 0.99
01:11:21.000 And Brian, you're how I know how to put a podcast up.
01:11:25.000 We are all together in this crazy soup of life, Bert Kreischer.
01:11:30.000 I am as happy for you as you are for me.
01:11:33.000 I am very happy.
01:11:34.000 We are both together, very fortunate, along with Jamie, the new guy, along with Brian Redman.
01:11:40.000 Have you said anything, Jamie? 0.99
01:11:41.000 Shut up! 1.00
01:11:42.000 He's not ready yet. 1.00
01:11:43.000 He's not ready?
01:11:44.000 He needs to go through an apprenticeship.
01:11:45.000 You need to see success and failure!
01:11:53.000 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of a commercial-free podcast here at the Joe Rogan Experience.
01:12:05.000 What can you do to give thanks?
01:12:08.000 What can you do? 0.98
01:12:09.000 Incorporate all the messages of the Bert Kreischer Bert Bert Bert podcast into your life, bitches. 1.00
01:12:15.000 Burtcast, baby. 0.98
01:12:16.000 Check it out.
01:12:17.000 The Burtcast at BurtBurtBurt.com.
01:12:19.000 You can find all the information.
01:12:21.000 Incorporate those lessons into your life.
01:12:23.000 A. Don't be a cunt. 1.00
01:12:24.000 B. Look in the mirror. 1.00
01:12:26.000 C. Get your shit together, bitches. 1.00
01:12:29.000 Get your shit together. 1.00
01:12:31.000 We love you, but first, you must love yourself. 1.00
01:12:35.000 In order for you to love yourself, you must respect yourself. 1.00
01:12:37.000 In order for you to respect yourself, you need to get your shit together, bitch. 1.00
01:12:41.000 Give yourself advice. 1.00
01:12:42.000 Pretend you are an outside and objective observer of your own existence. 0.99
01:12:47.000 And what kind of advice would you give yourself to get your shit together? 1.00
01:12:50.000 And why won't you follow that shit yourself? 1.00
01:12:53.000 Stop pretending! 1.00
01:12:55.000 You can't bullshit a bullshitter! 1.00
01:12:58.000 Suck it! 1.00
01:13:00.000 Death Squad 2013, bitches! 1.00
01:13:03.000 We're here! 1.00
01:13:05.000 Fuck a Mayan! 1.00
01:13:07.000 Praise Odin, son! 1.00
01:13:08.000 Praise Odin, bitches! 1.00
01:13:11.000 Odin knows what the fuck is up! 1.00
01:13:13.000 And go to rogan.ting.com and save 50 bucks. 0.99
01:13:16.000 God bless.
01:13:17.000 Jihad! 0.98
01:13:17.000 God bless. 0.98
01:13:32.000 Thank you.