The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #350 - Tony Hinchcliffe

00:00:03.000 Oh, you dirty freaks. 0.99

00:00:05.000 It is Monday, April 22nd. 0.99

00:00:10.000 Two days after 420. And I'm here.

00:00:14.000 With my man Tony Hinchcliffe, who has never been an individual guest on the podcast before, but we've done podcasts before under the Ice House Chronicles, which, by the way, is available on the Death Squad label on iTunes, as well as the hilarious Kevin Pereira's podcast called Pointless. 0.99

00:00:32.000 Muff said, if you want to hear chicks talk about sucking dicks and stuff. 1.00

00:00:36.000 That's video games and comic books. 1.00

00:00:36.000 No! 1.00

00:00:38.000 That's not dicks sucking. 1.00

00:00:40.000 Oh, well, how about we just give them a little false advertising, Brian? 1.00

00:00:44.000 Maybe...

00:00:44.000 Okay.

00:00:46.000 Maybe get more people.

00:00:47.000 Don't you know what this country runs on, son?

00:00:49.000 No, Muff said with, what's her face?

00:00:52.000 Ryan Keely.

00:00:53.000 Ryan Keely.

00:00:53.000 Very funny and talented, Ryan Keely.

00:00:55.000 And Brian also does a gang of shows, and he's doing some soon in San Francisco and Sacramento.

00:01:02.000 At the Punchline in Sacramento.

00:01:05.000 And with this man, Tony Hinchcliffe, he'll be there as well.

00:01:08.000 And where did we do, Indianapolis together? 0.96

00:01:10.000 That was fucking badass. 0.97

00:01:10.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:01:11.000 It was awesome. 0.98

00:01:12.000 Tony Hinchcliffe's funny as fuck. 0.91

00:01:13.000 How is Tony on the road? 0.98

00:01:15.000 It's great. 1.00

00:01:16.000 He cries when you fuck him, but... 1.00

00:01:18.000 But two legendary comedy clubs. 0.99

00:01:24.000 Sam Tripoli as well, our boy Sam Tripoli, who's one of my very good friends in comedy for many, many years. 0.99

00:01:30.000 He's a fucking beautiful human being. 0.99

00:01:31.000 I love that guy. 0.99

00:01:32.000 And very funny as well.

00:01:33.000 And so they are at Cobbs on Sunday, May 5th and May 3rd and 4th.

00:01:38.000 They're at the Punchline in Sacramento.

00:01:41.000 And if you've never been to the Punchline in Sacramento, if you've never been to a comedy club, The Punchline in Sacramento is like one of the perfect comedy clubs to go to because it's been around forever.

00:01:51.000 This is one of those places like, I don't remember the first time I worked there, but it was well over a decade ago.

00:01:56.000 It's a badass old school comedy club and some great, great, great comedy has been done on that stage.

00:02:03.000 Perfectly set up, really intimate seating.

00:02:05.000 So it's a badass place to see three very funny guys.

00:02:08.000 So May 3rd and 4th at The Punchline in Sacramento and May 5th at Cobb's in...

00:02:15.000 In San Francisco.

00:02:16.000 And there might be a surprise guest.

00:02:18.000 There might not be though, too.

00:02:19.000 There might not be.

00:02:20.000 Maybe AIDS gets stronger.

00:02:22.000 Maybe World War Z is for real. 0.99

00:02:25.000 But maybe there's going to be a big guest.

00:02:27.000 Maybe.

00:02:28.000 A lot of times you can't say.

00:02:29.000 Because the reason being, say if you're doing a show like this, we might have a friend that's in town that says, hey, I want to do the show.

00:02:35.000 But they don't want to advertise because they have a committed gig within X amount of miles, within X amount of months.

00:02:43.000 And sometimes you're not supposed to say that you're doing a gig.

00:02:45.000 That's why if you go to...

00:02:47.000 Some guys used to always have a hard time with the comedy store for putting their name up there.

00:02:51.000 Because they would have a gig they were doing at a big place they were trying to sell tickets for.

00:02:55.000 So we'd have an arrangement.

00:02:56.000 So that's why I can't say.

00:02:58.000 But it might be someone very funny.

00:03:00.000 It might be somebody that hardly ever leaves L.A. and hardly ever leaves the comedy store.

00:03:06.000 Hmm.

00:03:08.000 Wow.

00:03:09.000 This is exciting.

00:03:10.000 I want to know who it is. 1.00

00:03:11.000 Okay, I don't even know who the fuck it is. 1.00

00:03:12.000 Yeah, you do. 1.00

00:03:13.000 I think I do.

00:03:14.000 If it is who I think it is, he's awesome.

00:03:16.000 Yeah.

00:03:16.000 At the comedy store, it means 80% awesome.

00:03:19.000 You know, even the 20% mediocre, it's probably better than what you got in your town anyway.

00:03:23.000 Yeah.

00:03:24.000 So true.

00:03:25.000 Powerful Ryan Keeley, Muff said.

00:03:27.000 Alright, you guys, this podcast is brought to you by Ting. 0.85

00:03:32.000 I'm so glad that when we pick up a podcast sponsor, you're always like, oh, what if these guys are douchebags?

00:03:39.000 That's like a big fear when you take on a sponsor because I'm not a network.

00:03:45.000 I don't have a channel.

00:03:47.000 I'm just doing this thing and I'm trying to navigate all this stuff by myself.

00:03:55.000 My attitude with the whole thing was, I looked at it and I said, the most important thing, first of all, is that I don't feel douchey.

00:04:05.000 Like, whatever we're selling, and everybody's like, then it's too late! 0.99

00:04:10.000 Fucking alpha brain douchey! 0.98

00:04:14.000 I just want to make sure that what we're selling is a good product. 0.99

00:04:16.000 So I get all these emails and tweets, tweets especially sometimes, about Ting, about people saying how much money they're saving on Ting.

00:04:27.000 One guy, I talked about it a couple of weeks ago, he wrote that he chopped his bill down from 90 bucks to like 18. I don't know how the fuck he did it. 0.95

00:04:35.000 I don't know what he's doing. 0.99

00:04:36.000 That sounded completely outrageous.

00:04:39.000 Well, my bill's been at about $25 a month.

00:04:42.000 I mean, and I have to say that this is my second phone.

00:04:44.000 This is, you know, my massage parlor phone.

00:04:48.000 Would you say that you use it 50% as much as your other phone?

00:04:52.000 I'd probably say my other phone I use it 50% more.

00:04:54.000 Maybe a little bit higher.

00:04:56.000 Maybe 60?

00:04:57.000 Maybe 60. So it would probably be the equivalent of $60, something like that?

00:05:01.000 Would you say that?

00:05:02.000 Yeah.

00:05:02.000 Does that make sense?

00:05:03.000 Yeah.

00:05:03.000 That's still cheaper than right now.

00:05:07.000 I have the iPhone through AT&T as my main phone.

00:05:09.000 And that's about $110 a month. 0.98

00:05:13.000 Fucking very pricey. 0.93

00:05:14.000 What Ting does is, first of all, they use the Sprint network. 0.98

00:05:17.000 They don't have their own network.

00:05:18.000 They use one of the major networks in this country.

00:05:20.000 One that, you know, it's got 4G, it's excellent, and they also have the highest level, the most technologically advanced Android phones. 0.95

00:05:31.000 All these new fucking killer Android phones, like the Samsung Galaxy S3, And the Samsung Galaxy Note. 0.92

00:05:38.000 They have the Note 2 as well. 0.99

00:05:40.000 They're fucking incredible, these things. 0.96

00:05:42.000 It used to be like you really lost something if you didn't get an iPhone. 0.98

00:05:45.000 Like you really... 1.00

00:05:46.000 If you try to get one of those early Androids, they were dog shit. 1.00

00:05:49.000 I had the first one with the Droids. 1.00

00:05:51.000 They're so stupid. 1.00

00:05:52.000 Those things are horrible. 1.00

00:05:54.000 That and those BlackBerry touchscreens they used to have.

00:05:57.000 I used to have one of those.

00:05:58.000 The BlackBerry Storm.

00:06:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:06:01.000 Fucking storm of shit that was. 1.00

00:06:04.000 That was diarrhea on your head. 1.00

00:06:06.000 That stupid shitbag phone. 1.00

00:06:08.000 But these Samsung... 1.00

00:06:09.000 I have the Galaxy S3. It's fucking awesome. 0.98

00:06:12.000 It's great. 0.97

00:06:13.000 It's the coolest thing ever for looking at websites.

00:06:15.000 It's huge.

00:06:16.000 And it's very fast as well.

00:06:18.000 The processor in it.

00:06:19.000 It's not only clunky.

00:06:21.000 Like the droids of old.

00:06:23.000 So anyway, the way Ting has it set up is they have no contracts.

00:06:27.000 So you buy a device, set it up. 1.00

00:06:29.000 Ting, you can go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:06:30.000 You can just cancel. 1.00

00:06:31.000 Not only that, they credit you on unused service.

00:06:34.000 If you use only a certain amount of your bill, they actually knock you down to the next level on your next bill.

00:06:43.000 And they credit you the difference.

00:06:45.000 It's beautiful.

00:06:48.000 Everything you could ask for from a big company.

00:06:50.000 Like, a company that's, I mean, they're not one of the bigger cell phone companies.

00:06:53.000 I mean, how many cell phone companies are there, actually?

00:06:56.000 It's really tough to think about it.

00:06:57.000 Well, there's like the big five or whatever, you know, like T-Mobile, Verizon, AT&T. It's like, we generally thought of it like this.

00:07:05.000 It's like Verizon, powerful.

00:07:07.000 AT&T, powerful.

00:07:08.000 T-Mobile, you're on a budget.

00:07:10.000 Yeah.

00:07:11.000 Nowadays, though, it's crazy because T-Mobile's, you know, their new towers are pretty advanced and they don't have the fucking, you know, bandwidth hogs that, you know, AT&T and Verizon, their bandwidth, I mean, so many people are on their network.

00:07:23.000 When something goes down, half the people have Verizon or AT&T. They're not going to have cell phone service, but then you have T-Mobile guys that are like, oh, I'm fine. 0.61

00:07:30.000 That's a very good point.

00:07:34.000 Sprint is a big one.

00:07:35.000 Joey Diaz has had Sprint forever.

00:07:37.000 He loves it.

00:07:38.000 I've never had it other than this, but I've got no problems with it.

00:07:42.000 The whole idea behind Ting is that they're just going to offer you a service that's reasonable. 0.95

00:07:50.000 You don't have to get fucked over. 0.94

00:07:51.000 It doesn't have to be. 0.98

00:07:53.000 This idea that we all think that every company should try to squeeze every last dollar out of every last customer. 1.00

00:08:00.000 I think that shit's stupid. 1.00

00:08:01.000 And I think most people are realizing that as well. 1.00

00:08:04.000 So go to rogan.ting.com and you can save yourself $25 off of either a phone or service from a very cool company.

00:08:13.000 We're also brought to you by Squarespace.

00:08:17.000 So you have to ask yourself.

00:08:19.000 Do you want to make a website? 1.00

00:08:21.000 Bitch. 1.00

00:08:22.000 That's my question to you. 1.00

00:08:24.000 Bitch, do you want to make a website? 1.00

00:08:25.000 And if you do, let's get real. 1.00

00:08:27.000 You ain't going to learn no HTML. Okay?

00:08:29.000 You're not going to.

00:08:30.000 It's just not going to happen.

00:08:32.000 Let's be honest about another thing.

00:08:32.000 Okay?

00:08:35.000 You don't need to.

00:08:36.000 What are you going to do? 0.99

00:08:38.000 You're going to really learn how to put all that shit in and it's going to be all fucked up and then you're going to try to Look at it on Windows Internet Explorer and it's going to look like shit. 0.99

00:08:49.000 But look, it works on Safari. 0.99

00:08:52.000 You don't have to do that anymore.

00:08:54.000 With Squarespace, you can go there and you can create your own website.

00:08:58.000 It's so easy that you can set up a store just like that.

00:09:02.000 Brian did it. 0.99

00:09:03.000 While we were doing the commercial, Brian registered a fucking thing on Squarespace. 0.99

00:09:10.000 What was it called? 0.99

00:09:10.000 Started... 0.99

00:09:12.000 No, that was a different website.

00:09:14.000 That was Hover...

00:09:15.000 You did it for Squarespace, too.

00:09:16.000 No, I made a website, but you're thinking of I bought Dick Party in my mouth. 0.79

00:09:21.000 Oh, you bought Dick Party in my mouth. 1.00

00:09:23.000 Dot com.

00:09:25.000 But didn't you build a website with Squarespace?

00:09:28.000 Yeah, I did a dolphin website.

00:09:30.000 Sex Dolphin website.

00:09:32.000 I'm trying to do one right now.

00:09:35.000 Look, Brian is much more technically advanced or aware than I'll ever be. 0.99

00:09:40.000 He can throw one of these fucking things together very quickly. 0.95

00:09:42.000 And he did it through Squarespace while we're just all still doing a show as well. 0.99

00:09:48.000 It's super easy.

00:09:49.000 If you go to squarespace.com forward slash Joe...

00:09:52.000 You can sign up with no credit card needed and just try it out.

00:09:55.000 You can just start building a website and if you decide to purchase, use the offer code JOE4 and it's JOE and 4 for April.

00:10:03.000 That's all one word or one thing.

00:10:06.000 JOE4. And then you get 10% off your first purchase on new accounts and includes monthly and annual plans.

00:10:13.000 And again, that's squarespace.com forward slash Joe.

00:10:17.000 And if you're going to enter in the code, use the code Joe4.

00:10:20.000 Save yourself some shekels, son.

00:10:23.000 On your fat, juicy website. 0.77

00:10:26.000 It's... 1.00

00:10:28.000 Definitely, I can create a website on this in a way that I never could in real life, because I am just way too ADD for that shit. 0.97

00:10:37.000 I am not going to learn how to do that. 0.90

00:10:39.000 I have one where I'm trying to keep up with, but this looks even better.

00:10:44.000 It's dope. 0.55

00:10:44.000 It's pretty easy. 0.55

00:10:45.000 Super easy.

00:10:46.000 Yeah.

00:10:47.000 It's good.

00:10:48.000 Go.

00:10:48.000 Get it.

00:10:49.000 Delicious. 1.00

00:10:49.000 Suck it. 1.00

00:10:50.000 We're also brought to you by Audible.com. 0.99

00:10:52.000 I was actually listening to...

00:10:54.000 Dude, you know who I got hooked on, man?

00:10:56.000 I'm hooked on...

00:10:57.000 Onyx.

00:10:58.000 No.

00:10:59.000 How dare you?

00:11:00.000 I read super awesome.

00:11:02.000 Dan Carlin's Hardcore History.

00:11:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:05.000 Dude!

00:11:06.000 Ever since we had that guy on the show, we had him on the podcast. 0.99

00:11:06.000 Goddamn. 0.99

00:11:09.000 Guy was great to talk to. 0.99

00:11:11.000 Fascinating guy.

00:11:12.000 Really, really interesting, intelligent guy.

00:11:14.000 But when it comes to history, he's been putting together, like forever, he's been putting together these history podcasts And they're like a show. 0.99

00:11:23.000 It's not like a podcast, like this sloppy, unorganized mess that I try to fucking serve up to you fucks. 0.94

00:11:31.000 Dan Carlin puts on a goddamn show, and he puts it on in this really entertaining way and gives you this thorough history of all these events, but really exciting stuff. 0.98

00:11:47.000 You chatting with Kira? 0.99

00:11:47.000 What are you doing? 0.99

00:11:48.000 Hi Kira, I'm single.

00:11:50.000 Hey dude, how dare you?

00:11:51.000 How dare you even give people the idea to do that?

00:11:54.000 No!

00:11:55.000 Kira's gonna be super upset with you and probably sue this show. 1.00

00:11:59.000 What if Kira's like some super hardcore feminist and she's like, enough Joe Rogan! 1.00

00:12:04.000 Enough! 1.00

00:12:05.000 What if she's in India fingering herself?

00:12:08.000 Oh, easy!

00:12:09.000 Over here with the fingers! 0.99

00:12:12.000 I'm on Hardcore History.

00:12:14.000 I'm on The Mongols now.

00:12:17.000 He's got this...

00:12:18.000 I don't know how many parts it is.

00:12:19.000 I'm on Part 3. And it's fucking amazing. 0.98

00:12:24.000 It's so great. 0.98

00:12:25.000 And it's available on Audible.com.

00:12:27.000 He's got all the back episodes.

00:12:30.000 I mean, he's been doing it since...

00:12:32.000 I think he said 2005. So, you know, this guy's got a solid eight years of podcasts under him.

00:12:41.000 It's crazy.

00:12:42.000 And they're awesome.

00:12:44.000 I listened to one on Germany and World War II, the bombings of Europe.

00:12:49.000 He's so fucking cool to listen to. 0.94

00:12:52.000 It's really badass. 0.91

00:12:53.000 If you go to audible.com forward slash Joe, you can try Audible free for 30 days and get a free audio book.

00:13:03.000 Not just that, they also have stand-up comedy on there.

00:13:05.000 They have a huge selection of audio entertainment.

00:13:09.000 Not just books, but podcasts like Hardcore History and And so many other really interesting things to listen to, including our pals Opie and Anthony.

00:13:21.000 You can get that on Audible as well.

00:13:25.000 It's a cool service, and I've been a fan for years, and I'm a huge fan of audiobooks.

00:13:30.000 This hardcore history has been making my life, like, so much more interesting in the last couple days.

00:13:35.000 Like, when I get in my car, I'm not, like, thinking, oh, you know, I'm gonna get in my car and drive.

00:13:40.000 I'm probably getting stuck in traffic.

00:13:41.000 I'm gonna go, oh, let's hear more about the Mongols. 1.00

00:13:43.000 That's what I'm thinking. 1.00

00:13:44.000 It's just, Genghis Khan was a motherfucker! 1.00

00:13:47.000 Yep. 1.00

00:13:48.000 Dude, Genghis Khan killed almost 70 million people by some accounts.

00:13:53.000 Some accounts say more than that.

00:13:55.000 Some accounts say as little as 10 million.

00:13:58.000 Like, he definitely killed 10 million. 1.00

00:14:00.000 Goddamn! 1.00

00:14:01.000 That's unbelievable. 0.99

00:14:02.000 That's the best.

00:14:03.000 They're talking about armies that were coming towards China, where the Mongols had been, and in the distance they thought they saw snow-covered mountains, but when they got close they realized they were mounds of bones.

00:14:17.000 The Mongols had killed 10 million people in this one town. 0.98

00:14:23.000 They came to this gigantic state and just killed 10 million people.

00:14:28.000 It was amazing.

00:14:30.000 I mean, horrific, terrifying, just the idea that at one point in time, just in the 1200s, relatively short amount of time ago, there was a guy who brought a bunch of other dudes with him on horseback and just fucked up the whole world.

00:14:48.000 Banded together, took hostages, took the hostages, pushed them to the front lines so the hostages would literally lead the way and people would be defending their towns, having to shoot arrows at their own friends who had been kidnapped, their own loved ones,

00:15:04.000 their own children. 1.00

00:15:05.000 The Mongols were fucking terrifying! 0.99

00:15:09.000 It's terrifying to think that just a thousand years ago, not even, there was a dude who figured out a way to get hundreds of thousands of mass murderers to work together. 0.99

00:15:22.000 Hundreds of thousands of serial killers, hundreds of thousands of brutal rapists, hundreds of thousands of ruthless, remorseless murderers, and they got together on horseback.

00:15:35.000 That takes one convincing leader. 1.00

00:15:36.000 Goddamn Genghis Khan must have been a motherfucker, because there was nobody like that before and nobody like that since. 0.99

00:15:43.000 His sons tried to hang on to it for a little while, but... 1.00

00:15:46.000 The reign of power all really came through that one bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:15:53.000 They had a crazy saying that an armies of donkey led by a lion could conquer an army of lions led by a donkey. 1.00

00:16:04.000 They were all about tactics and they would beat much larger armies with superior strategy and cunning and just ruthlessness.

00:16:13.000 Just everybody was terrified of them.

00:16:16.000 They killed everybody, man.

00:16:18.000 Men, women, children, babies. 1.00

00:16:20.000 They didn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:16:21.000 They killed everybody. 1.00

00:16:22.000 They ate people.

00:16:23.000 They ate each other if they got too hungry. 0.69

00:16:26.000 They would draw straws, maybe, or figure out how they would figure out, you know, if someone was going to sacrifice themselves so that the army could go on and they would slaughter them and eat them and cook them. 0.81

00:16:37.000 Dude!

00:16:38.000 It's unbelievable.

00:16:39.000 That was only a thousand years ago! 1.00

00:16:41.000 What the fuck, man? 0.99

00:16:43.000 You think anybody will ever pull that off again? 1.00

00:16:47.000 That kind of craziness?

00:16:48.000 That's terrifying to wonder. 0.99

00:16:50.000 I think if you had to worry about anything, it would be worry about all this beautiful city shit shutting down. 0.99

00:16:58.000 That's the real fear. 0.99

00:16:59.000 The real fear is we have some massive disaster like a solar flare.

00:17:05.000 That knocks out our power grid. 0.62

00:17:07.000 And our ability to pump gas is gone.

00:17:09.000 Our ability to drive back and forth to places is gone.

00:17:12.000 Our ability to get food to people is gone.

00:17:14.000 And then you realize how nutty we are spread out and how dangerous this is and how vulnerable we are living like this.

00:17:22.000 I think it would take something like that to bring people to some place where you could get that many psychopaths all together again. 0.98

00:17:29.000 Yeah, I think now that we have the internet, if the internet went down, I think shit would get crazy really quick. 0.97

00:17:35.000 Because everybody needs it and is used to it now. 0.94

00:17:37.000 Everything down to, you know, the GPS and just everything.

00:17:40.000 Yeah, we're terrified. 0.99

00:17:42.000 I'm terrified of leaving the house without my fucking cell phone. 0.99

00:17:45.000 Right. 1.00

00:17:45.000 I'm a little bitch. 1.00

00:17:47.000 I'm a little bitch to the machine. 1.00

00:17:49.000 Speaking of machine, we're talking about the human machine, our last sponsor, Onnit.com. 1.00

00:17:55.000 We sell all kinds of cool shit to get your fitness on. 0.78

00:17:58.000 We've got kettlebells, battle ropes, the newest edition, weight vests. 0.90

00:18:01.000 No, that's not armor, Brian.

00:18:03.000 It's a weight vest.

00:18:05.000 It's not armor, even though it would probably protect you a little bit.

00:18:08.000 There we go.

00:18:09.000 We also have steel maces and steel clubs.

00:18:12.000 These are not weapons.

00:18:13.000 These are designed for functional, athletic improvement.

00:18:18.000 All these things that we're selling, like kettlebells and battle ropes, they're all for what's best to develop what they call functional strength.

00:18:26.000 We have medicine balls as well.

00:18:28.000 Functional strength.

00:18:29.000 We sell a pull-up bar.

00:18:30.000 Functional strength.

00:18:31.000 The ability to move your body around as one unit is one of the most important aspects of fitness. 0.97

00:18:37.000 And one of the things that people screw up on is if they try to get in shape and they don't know what the fuck they're doing. 0.98

00:18:43.000 They do like too many bicep curls or too many like bench presses and shit. 1.00

00:18:47.000 You know, you can whack your body out making it imbalanced.

00:18:51.000 It's one of the best ways to get fit, like a full body fit, is to do things that require you to use the body as one unit.

00:18:58.000 I'm obsessed with that.

00:19:00.000 Obviously, that's why I talk about it every week.

00:19:01.000 But I've seen massive improvements for my jujitsu.

00:19:05.000 Athletic benefits of training like this.

00:19:08.000 And I always encourage people to do it because it's really fun too.

00:19:11.000 And you can get a great workout literally in 20 minutes.

00:19:14.000 You can do a brutal kettlebell workout in 20 minutes.

00:19:17.000 Follow a DVD, the Keith Weber DVD that we have, the Extreme Kettlebell DVD. It's fucking awesome. 0.92

00:19:22.000 And follow 20 minutes of it. 0.99

00:19:24.000 You'll get crushed.

00:19:25.000 And you'll feel good.

00:19:26.000 You'll feel fantastic.

00:19:27.000 So go there.

00:19:28.000 Go to Onnit.com.

00:19:30.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Lots of different supplements we have now.

00:19:33.000 Vitamin C and L-lysine and we sell melatonin, spirulina, arctic cod liver oil. 0.98

00:19:40.000 We're trying to sell you just the best shit for your health and for fitness and things along those lines.

00:19:45.000 And if you use the code name Rogan, you will save 10% off any and all supplements. 0.95

00:19:49.000 How long until you have like a health helmet?

00:19:53.000 If it comes out, dude, we'll sell it.

00:19:55.000 If there's a health helmet that comes out that puts you in a healthy state of mind... 1.00

00:20:00.000 What if there was a helmet that came on that immediately felt like someone was sucking your dick? 0.99

00:20:03.000 How quick before they would make that illegal? 1.00

00:20:06.000 Like immediately. 1.00

00:20:07.000 Like they found a spot on your brain where they can jolt with electricity and it totally feels like someone's sucking your dick. 1.00

00:20:15.000 A helmet that helps your helmet. 1.00

00:20:16.000 A helmet for your helmet.

00:20:18.000 Exactly.

00:20:18.000 Do you think women would make that illegal?

00:20:21.000 Or would it be men that make it illegal? 0.98

00:20:23.000 They'd bitch about it a lot. 0.99

00:20:24.000 Men would make it illegal because they'd never get real blowjobs ever again. 1.00

00:20:27.000 Girls would be like, but just put the fucking helmet on. 1.00

00:20:30.000 God, why do you want me to do this? 1.00

00:20:31.000 It'd be a tough situation for women if the helmet worked that well. 1.00

00:20:34.000 Do you think they would lose a little bit of their value?

00:20:37.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:20:38.000 I think guys would be walking around with these helmets on all the time.

00:20:38.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:43.000 Just be a normal thing.

00:20:44.000 How much time do you think it is before something like that is invented?

00:20:47.000 Something that can recreate an artificial experience, like almost exactly.

00:20:51.000 I'll bet you 15, 20 years.

00:20:53.000 I bet it's not that far away.

00:20:54.000 I bet you're right.

00:20:55.000 The way things are moving and shaking.

00:20:57.000 There's probably a bigger team of scientists on that right now than there is on cancer research.

00:21:01.000 I bet you're right.

00:21:02.000 Everybody's building the helmet. 1.00

00:21:05.000 Everybody wants to get their dick sucked, folks. 1.00

00:21:08.000 Nothing wrong with that. 1.00

00:21:09.000 Onnit.com forward slash Joe.

00:21:12.000 Cue the music, Brian. 0.99

00:21:13.000 Let's get this bitch started. 1.00

00:21:14.000 Boom, son. 1.00

00:21:18.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:21:28.000 Powerful Tony Hinchcliffe.

00:21:32.000 That's me.

00:21:33.000 That's the song.

00:21:34.000 That's the powerful Tony Hinchcliffe song.

00:21:36.000 I sing it like that.

00:21:37.000 And then you go, that's me, like a little kid.

00:21:37.000 I sing like a woman.

00:21:40.000 That's me.

00:21:41.000 Hey, everybody.

00:21:42.000 Somebody needs to put that on a loop when you have your own podcast.

00:21:45.000 When are you guys going to do a podcast together?

00:21:46.000 We already are in the works.

00:21:46.000 Why don't you guys...

00:21:48.000 Oh, looky, looky.

00:21:50.000 Two weeks, I think we said.

00:21:51.000 It's in pre-production.

00:21:52.000 Yep.

00:21:53.000 Niceness, niceness.

00:21:55.000 And Tony's going to be with me this Wednesday night at the Ice House.

00:21:58.000 You want to do the Ice House Wednesday night?

00:21:59.000 Sure.

00:22:00.000 10 o'clock?

00:22:00.000 Okay, Ron's going to be there too.

00:22:02.000 As well as Tom Segura and Burt Kreischer. 1.00

00:22:04.000 Oh, shit, bitches. 1.00

00:22:06.000 That's right. 1.00

00:22:07.000 You heard.

00:22:08.000 Sweet.

00:22:09.000 That's right.

00:22:11.000 Tony is an up-and-coming young stand-up.

00:22:15.000 One of my favorite things in life, for real, this really is absolutely true, is when I don't know about someone and then I find out that they're funny.

00:22:24.000 I found out about you from Brian.

00:22:26.000 Brian told me about you.

00:22:28.000 And as a comedian, one of the things that every comedian always loves It's seeing a new comedian.

00:22:35.000 Like, someone new who's funny.

00:22:37.000 Like, there's another one!

00:22:38.000 Like, ooh, there's another one!

00:22:39.000 You know, and different styles and different takes.

00:22:43.000 But when they're funny, like, it's really, it gives you a lot of hope.

00:22:47.000 And I was in L.A. the entire time.

00:22:49.000 Like, you started comedy.

00:22:51.000 And then started getting a name for yourself and then eventually got to the point where you're regularly doing podcasts and comedy clubs.

00:23:01.000 So that's a really cool thing to see.

00:23:03.000 Yeah, it's really so much fun.

00:23:05.000 Pretty incredible.

00:23:07.000 So few people pull it off.

00:23:08.000 I love watching somebody who comes through, like some new person who's funny.

00:23:14.000 Me too.

00:23:15.000 It's just the coolest thing.

00:23:16.000 And like you said, everybody's a little bit different.

00:23:18.000 Everybody has their take on things.

00:23:21.000 When you find one, there's nothing cooler.

00:23:23.000 It's sort of like when you love comedy, it's like watching a baby being born.

00:23:27.000 Just like that.

00:23:27.000 Wow.

00:23:28.000 This person's hilarious.

00:23:31.000 And when you run into someone and you realize that They started out sucky, and you probably saw them during those first couple of months.

00:23:43.000 And then, within a couple of years, they become competent, and then, boom, they become really good.

00:23:48.000 Like, Ari is my favorite example.

00:23:51.000 I was there when Ari first got on stage. 0.68

00:23:54.000 One of his first sets, one of his earliest sets.

00:23:58.000 And, you know, we've watched him become like a real killer.

00:24:01.000 Like, Ari Shafir is like a real killer. 0.80

00:24:03.000 He did Tom Segura's party the other day.

00:24:06.000 Tom Segura had a benefit, rather, for his doggie.

00:24:09.000 He's got a sick doggie. 0.99

00:24:10.000 If you love dogs and you love Tom Segura, I don't know how you would donate.

00:24:15.000 I think they have like a PayPal thing or something, don't they?

00:24:16.000 Yeah, just go to yourmomshousepodcast.com.

00:24:20.000 Yourmomshousepodcast.com.

00:24:21.000 Tom Segura is just one of the coolest guys ever. 0.98

00:24:23.000 And he had this show, and Ari went up and fucking destroyed. 1.00

00:24:30.000 Destroyed. 1.00

00:24:31.000 With a bunch of shit that I hadn't heard before, too. 0.99

00:24:33.000 There was a couple bits that were really funny that were new. 0.99

00:24:35.000 He writes like a machine now.

00:24:37.000 Yeah, it's awesome.

00:24:38.000 He's just coming up with so much content.

00:24:40.000 Yeah, and I think he also realizes at this time that he's like in.

00:24:46.000 He's like a real comic now.

00:24:47.000 Now it's just a matter of doing the work, and he's a smart dude.

00:24:50.000 He knows how to put it down.

00:24:52.000 He knows what needs to be done, and he can go get it done.

00:24:55.000 It's just, as a fan of comedy, it's so cool when someone pops up.

00:25:00.000 Here's another one.

00:25:01.000 I got really lucky with Ari because he was the first person to ask me to do a gig with him, him and Sam Tripoli.

00:25:09.000 So it was those two guys all of a sudden all at once.

00:25:11.000 I went to La Jolla with Sam first and then did a gig in Irvine with Ari.

00:25:16.000 What year was this?

00:25:17.000 This is about 2008. Wow, that's so recently, dude.

00:25:21.000 That's awesome.

00:25:24.000 You don't think of it as being recently.

00:25:24.000 Five years.

00:25:28.000 There was like a year or so that I was doing it before you even get a road gig like that.

00:25:33.000 You're just building it.

00:25:35.000 I was just riding my bicycle from open mic to open mic.

00:25:38.000 How many guys that started out with you, you know, we all have kind of like groups of people that we sort of start off around a similar time and then you watch each other either fall off or give up or some people get through the net.

00:25:52.000 How many people with your class do you think got through?

00:25:56.000 With my true class, I'd probably say about a good...

00:25:59.000 It's a tough one because we're still pooling, you know what I mean?

00:26:03.000 You still don't know who can make like a bit, throw a right hook right at the end before they drop out and have a new 15 minutes that crushes and it's a breakthrough.

00:26:10.000 But I'd probably guess about 7 or 10, right around there.

00:26:14.000 That's a good number.

00:26:16.000 Still doing it?

00:26:16.000 I mean, you know, I'm counting my original starting class as like a good...

00:26:19.000 You know, 60, 70, 80, 90 people because I know the...

00:26:24.000 I mean, I stayed in Hollywood and built in Hollywood, like Los Angeles.

00:26:29.000 Whereas I feel like a lot of people start somewhere and then come to LA. I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna...

00:26:34.000 I wanted to just have a...

00:26:36.000 Like an NBA-style perspective.

00:26:39.000 Like Chappelle once said, he was doing a spot on stage one night in the OR, really late, crushing, making it look like, I mean, it was just unbelievable.

00:26:48.000 And three or four hours in, he goes to the back of the room, he goes, hey, how many of you guys are LA Comics?

00:26:53.000 And a lot of people clap, and he goes, but how many of you are, like, work here at the Comedy Store and started here at the Comedy Store?

00:27:00.000 There was just two or three of us that collabed, and he goes, you guys are insane.

00:27:04.000 He was performing to a lot of comedians.

00:27:07.000 The thing with him coming back a few years ago was the audience that got to be there was there, but the back of the room filled up to the gills.

00:27:16.000 And he said that it's like learning how to dribble in the NBA, starting comedy at the Comedy Store.

00:27:22.000 And it's so true.

00:27:23.000 But if you think about that, start learning how to dribble in the NBA and you're just used to the motion of a thousand miles an hour, then...

00:27:32.000 It works out.

00:27:33.000 I think it's like anything else.

00:27:35.000 You know, it's a more difficult but also more rewarding pursuit.

00:27:41.000 You know, you can take an easy route through life or you can, you know, I mean, it's not as hard as being a Navy SEAL, let's be honest.

00:27:48.000 You know, even though doing comedy is hard and a lot of people don't ever figure it out, it's not nearly as hard as doing something you hate and being stuck working 40 hours a week at this job for the rest of your life until your heart stops beating because you have no passion.

00:28:01.000 Right.

00:28:01.000 And I mean, it was a real struggle for a few years.

00:28:04.000 I really threw myself to the wolves.

00:28:06.000 I didn't have money saved up.

00:28:08.000 I was just doing it.

00:28:11.000 And then I got the job working at the Comedy Store a couple months in as a door guy, so I started getting spots a lot there, which is what I wanted.

00:28:17.000 You know what the problem with a story like yours is?

00:28:19.000 That it worked. 0.94

00:28:21.000 So there's a lot of other dudes out there that are willing to try that same thing, but they're not fucking funny at all. 0.61

00:28:27.000 Right, you know what's tough is I notice that a lot.

00:28:29.000 A lot of people come up to me and say, I'm thinking about starting stand-up, Tony.

00:28:34.000 You know, what do you think?

00:28:36.000 And sometimes they don't...

00:28:37.000 They just...

00:28:38.000 Sometimes I wonder, out of all the times I get asked this from somebody that wants to start stand-up, it's like, you have to really have a crazy mind ingrained in you.

00:28:47.000 It's not something you start and learn.

00:28:48.000 Like, I... I was in trouble every class in school.

00:28:54.000 Not once a day at school.

00:28:56.000 Like, every class, every teacher hated me.

00:28:59.000 I never touched it.

00:29:00.000 I was never, like, spilled milk on somebody.

00:29:02.000 I never did anything physical.

00:29:04.000 But verbally, I was just—it's what I did.

00:29:09.000 It was pretty crazy. 1.00

00:29:12.000 So you just always talked a lot of shit? 1.00

00:29:15.000 To the extreme all the time. 1.00

00:29:15.000 Totally. 1.00

00:29:18.000 That's like kid energy.

00:29:20.000 That's not even now.

00:29:20.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:29:22.000 Even though I'm still young, I'm not half of the quick wit that I used to be before I realized.

00:29:28.000 Now I overthink it.

00:29:30.000 Was it a defense thing?

00:29:31.000 You learned it from your parents?

00:29:33.000 I learned it from you, Dad.

00:29:35.000 It's really an interesting situation.

00:29:37.000 The way I was raised was so weird.

00:29:40.000 I know it has something to do with that, because I have these four older brothers and sisters that are much older than me.

00:29:46.000 So it's like, I mean, it's 12 years between me and my closest sibling, and they're all much older.

00:29:52.000 Oh, wow, yeah.

00:29:53.000 So you're probably exposed to, like, they probably gave you a hard time. 1.00

00:29:57.000 They probably fucked with you. 0.99

00:29:59.000 They were actually all super cool. 0.99

00:30:02.000 They were actually super cool.

00:30:04.000 Sometimes I wonder how it didn't end up like that.

00:30:07.000 I mean, there were times, you know, there was the old, you know, you were adopted.

00:30:10.000 Well, you know what?

00:30:10.000 Why do you think you're...

00:30:11.000 When they're 12 years apart, I don't think you're actually going to get that because they're going to be sweet to you.

00:30:15.000 They're going to be, like, happy for their little brother and sister.

00:30:18.000 It's when you're two years apart.

00:30:20.000 Yeah.

00:30:20.000 You know?

00:30:21.000 I've known a lot of brothers that beat the fuck out of each other. 0.96

00:30:24.000 I've seen it happen. 0.97

00:30:24.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:30:26.000 Luckily with the age gap, like they were in college when I was, you know, in kindergarten and stuff.

00:30:30.000 What was interesting about that is I definitely think it played a role because I was hanging out with 20 year olds when I was a little kid. 0.98

00:30:37.000 And they probably thought it was really funny when you talked shit too. 0.99

00:30:41.000 That was the whole thing. 1.00

00:30:41.000 Totally. 1.00

00:30:42.000 That's what I would do. 0.98

00:30:43.000 I would talk shit and I would put on So you started off trying to be good. 0.99

00:31:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:31:11.000 Right, but then I just got good at being bad at magic.

00:31:14.000 Yeah, it's a funny thing when you see someone who grew up in a weird spot.

00:31:19.000 I think all of us, like every comic I know, grew up in some sort of a weird situation where some basic need wasn't fulfilled, so it creates this weird personality.

00:31:30.000 Totally.

00:31:31.000 Even though I love comics... 0.99

00:31:33.000 When it doesn't create that weird personality, it just creates fucked up people. 0.99

00:31:38.000 If you don't put it to use creating something, that weird energy that comes out of a weird life, that shit will haunt you. 0.99

00:31:46.000 That can wreck your life if you're one of those really creative people or more impulsive people and doesn't do anything about it, doesn't focus it on something.

00:31:56.000 And that's an interesting point because with me, I didn't have any creative outlet until...

00:32:03.000 Like after high school, because the theater woman always wanted me to join theater. 0.99

00:32:08.000 Yeah.

00:32:09.000 But I never did.

00:32:10.000 And I mean, the only outlet other than doing it in front of people all the time and just, you know, being me, I had nothing.

00:32:18.000 So then I spent a few years like, what am I? Because you don't know that...

00:32:24.000 If you're just a kid that loves making people laugh, that you can be a stand-up comedian.

00:32:30.000 When you're in Ohio, there's no...

00:32:34.000 People in LA are really lucky, or in New York, or around those areas, because there's comedy there.

00:32:39.000 At least you can stumble across a comedy club and go, hey, I wonder what's going on there?

00:32:43.000 I might go in there tonight, just one time.

00:32:45.000 First time I was ever at a comedy club was at the comedy store, and I had signed up for the open mic and gotten on.

00:32:52.000 So it was very grandiose.

00:32:54.000 It was like my heart was beating out of my chest.

00:32:56.000 I knew that it was something I was going to be doing forever no matter what happened.

00:32:59.000 You knew it?

00:33:00.000 You knew that it was something?

00:33:01.000 Wow.

00:33:02.000 I definitely didn't know it the first time I went on stage.

00:33:06.000 I was scared shitless too, though.

00:33:08.000 Way more scared than I thought I was going to be.

00:33:10.000 Oh, it was unbelievable.

00:33:13.000 It was so creepy because what ended up happening was I blanked out and forgot everything.

00:33:19.000 That was the one time that I had a couple months to prepare for three minutes.

00:33:25.000 Did you bring notes on stage with you?

00:33:27.000 No, I've never liked having notes on stage with me.

00:33:31.000 That was a big thing, man.

00:33:33.000 Getting rid of your notes.

00:33:34.000 That was a big thing back in the day.

00:33:36.000 You going on stage with notes still?

00:33:37.000 Yeah.

00:33:38.000 Because in the beginning, I definitely went on stage with notes when I first started doing it. 0.94

00:33:41.000 But I saw really good guys go on stage with notes when they were working on new shit. 0.97

00:33:45.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:33:46.000 It became part of the act.

00:33:48.000 They would let you know they were trying stuff out by looking down at the paper and stuff.

00:33:53.000 But you tried to do the first one free ball?

00:33:55.000 Yeah.

00:33:56.000 It went really bad.

00:33:58.000 And I somehow was just digging myself out by calling out how terrible it was.

00:34:05.000 I was basically saying, wow, I just blanked out.

00:34:07.000 And I've been getting ready for this for so long.

00:34:11.000 And so I just ended up doing what actually ended up sort of becoming my style, which is like calling out Whatever's happening in the room, except I was just joking about me bombing.

00:34:22.000 You kind of have to call out what's happening in the room, right?

00:34:25.000 Oh yeah.

00:34:25.000 And that's another good thing, rather, that the Comedy Store provides.

00:34:30.000 No crowd control.

00:34:31.000 Right.

00:34:32.000 None.

00:34:33.000 That place is...

00:34:34.000 Madness.

00:34:35.000 Any night could be madness.

00:34:37.000 Anything can happen at the Comedy Store.

00:34:40.000 For example, when we did that show in Indianapolis, and I came out, and I'm looking at the masses of people, but the first thing that I noticed to my left is this lady lit up next to the stage that's doing sign language to the audience,

00:34:56.000 and I just couldn't help but to start It started just with, I've never performed in front of one of these people before.

00:35:03.000 I've always wondered what that would be like.

00:35:04.000 And then I'm noticing that she has to keep up with everything that I'm saying.

00:35:08.000 I went off on this whole run about it.

00:35:11.000 It was just so much fun for me.

00:35:13.000 And I could trust my instinct and just keep going with it.

00:35:18.000 I wouldn't have known to do that if I was just trying to just put on an act.

00:35:24.000 Right, right, right.

00:35:26.000 Which is also great, but I got to go off on a run there and I could trust that instinct. 0.99

00:35:30.000 By the end, I have her doing blowjob motions to her face because I realized that if I said the word blowjob, she has to do that. 1.00

00:35:36.000 Like a jerk-off on her face. 1.00

00:35:38.000 The jerk-off on the face, that's the sign language for that? 0.99

00:35:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:41.000 This is blowjob. 1.00

00:35:43.000 Or at least that's what she was doing. 0.99

00:35:45.000 Actually, it was a he because they switched halfway through.

00:35:47.000 It was a whole thing.

00:35:48.000 They switched?

00:35:49.000 The chick was like, enough with Tony Hinchcliffe.

00:35:51.000 I think so.

00:35:52.000 You think so?

00:35:52.000 Did she quit?

00:35:53.000 I don't know what happened.

00:35:55.000 How did she have a backup so close?

00:35:56.000 Maybe they get tired.

00:35:57.000 Yeah, I guess so.

00:35:59.000 Maybe you need really good hand cardio.

00:36:01.000 But it ended up being crazy.

00:36:03.000 I had a ton of tweets.

00:36:06.000 Indianapolis was so much fun and everybody was hashtagging sign language because I couldn't even believe what was going on.

00:36:12.000 Yeah, I did that once in San Francisco.

00:36:15.000 A guy brought his own Remember that?

00:36:18.000 Yeah, and they sat right in the front row.

00:36:19.000 Yeah, a guy brought his own sign person.

00:36:22.000 I was like, wow, that's pretty gangster.

00:36:24.000 Guy was deaf and he wanted to go see some comedy.

00:36:26.000 He's like, hey, tell me what they're saying.

00:36:28.000 Yeah.

00:36:29.000 He was a really nice guy.

00:36:30.000 That was a fun show.

00:36:32.000 I forget what he did because it was obviously a timing thing because he didn't talk.

00:36:36.000 But it was really funny.

00:36:38.000 It was really funny.

00:36:39.000 Like, you could tell the guy, like, really enjoyed stand-up comedy.

00:36:43.000 And even though he was deaf, he still understood, like, what, you know, he understood jokes.

00:36:48.000 It's gotta be weird, because he's only getting it, like, two-dimensionally.

00:36:52.000 If you don't hear it, man, you're missing so much.

00:36:56.000 There's a lot of guys, like Joey Diaz is a perfect example.

00:36:59.000 Half of what's funny is how he sounds like. 0.99

00:37:02.000 The way he sounds is the fucking intensity in his voice. 0.98

00:37:07.000 It's like when he hits those things, when he starts screaming about something, like... 1.00

00:37:11.000 He was screaming about, it's blue cheese with buffalo wings or go fuck your mother. 1.00

00:37:17.000 It was just fucking ranch dressing. 1.00

00:37:19.000 He went on this rant about ranch dressing. 1.00

00:37:21.000 And on paper, it's like, there's nothing funny about that at all. 0.98

00:37:25.000 But if you hear him, if you hear Joey and you see him do it, it was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. 0.90

00:37:31.000 You can hear the passion that comes from deep... 0.87

00:37:34.000 But I mean, maybe this guy had like a deep sense of his own timing.

00:37:37.000 You know, he can interpret it in the funniest way.

00:37:39.000 Because he was obviously a fan of stand-up comedy enough to hire his own sign language person.

00:37:44.000 I've been at a college show once where they made them have sign language.

00:37:49.000 It was like part of the rules.

00:37:50.000 Like if someone spoke, they had to have someone there.

00:37:54.000 I always wondered, how complicated is that sign language?

00:37:58.000 I mean, it seems like...

00:37:59.000 It seemed really... 0.97

00:38:00.000 I was watching some parts of it, because at one point when you were on, I walked around and sort of was watching from this side ledge area, and I noticed that when you said the word at one point, black cock, this guy had to do this thing, 0.96

00:38:16.000 where it was this giant, like... 0.96

00:38:19.000 Right.

00:38:20.000 Well, that's the strap-on bit, right?

00:38:21.000 Well, it was when you were taking questions at the end, it was like you were talking about Dennis Rodman's Cock or something.

00:38:30.000 It was very improvised.

00:38:32.000 Oh, the King John Il thing.

00:38:34.000 But I was noticing this guy has to do this thing.

00:38:36.000 Black Cock in sign language is so stereotypical.

00:38:41.000 It's just giant and his hands were so far apart.

00:38:45.000 He was describing a tree stump or something like that.

00:38:48.000 I'm like, that's Black Cock in sign language? 0.99

00:38:51.000 Isn't that hilarious?

00:38:53.000 That's what they would come up with.

00:38:55.000 That's the move. 0.99

00:38:57.000 Yeah, so blowjob is this? 0.99

00:38:59.000 I don't know why it's down. 0.99

00:39:01.000 Why does it go down?

00:39:02.000 That seems awkward.

00:39:02.000 Because you're always on your knees.

00:39:04.000 But that's an awkward angle.

00:39:05.000 How tall is this dude you blowing?

00:39:06.000 Oh, that is why it would be up.

00:39:08.000 I see.

00:39:09.000 You blowing a giant?

00:39:09.000 What's going on?

00:39:13.000 A child made sign language.

00:39:15.000 You know, if so, get on a chair. 1.00

00:39:17.000 That's a ridiculous angle to have that, your standard angle for sucking dick. 1.00

00:39:21.000 That doesn't make any sense at all. 1.00

00:39:23.000 Don't knock into your thigh.

00:39:25.000 I love that.

00:39:26.000 You can't say that a second time though, Brian.

00:39:28.000 You almost killed someone the first time by saying it.

00:39:31.000 It still makes me laugh just thinking about it.

00:39:32.000 It was brilliant.

00:39:33.000 At the time, it was absolutely brilliant.

00:39:35.000 It was the perfect time.

00:39:36.000 If at first you don't succeed, thigh, thigh again.

00:39:38.000 Oh, man.

00:39:39.000 Two of you guys get a room. 1.00

00:39:41.000 Get a room, you fucks. 1.00

00:39:46.000 Yeah, we're going to have to share a room when we're in San Francisco and Sacramento. 0.99

00:39:49.000 I haven't shared a room since I was...

00:39:51.000 Why are you sharing rooms?

00:39:54.000 Because... 1.00

00:39:54.000 Listen, get your own rooms, you fucking weirdos, you grown men. 1.00

00:39:57.000 Stop pretending like you're in high school, okay? 1.00

00:39:59.000 We're going to get up to our dog, we're going to go fishing, we're going to get a hotel room together. 1.00

00:40:04.000 Shut the fuck up, dude. 1.00

00:40:06.000 Get your own room, goddammit. 1.00

00:40:07.000 What is it, $30 a night, you cheap fuck? 1.00

00:40:09.000 $30 a night? 1.00

00:40:11.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:40:12.000 Have you seen the commercials? 1.00

00:40:14.000 We'll keep the light on for you.

00:40:16.000 $30 a night.

00:40:17.000 30 bucks.

00:40:18.000 Joe, we were talking about it on a recent podcast.

00:40:21.000 I think you were there, Tony.

00:40:22.000 I think it was Ari was saying it.

00:40:25.000 He was talking about how funny it was going to the grocery store with you.

00:40:28.000 Because you'd be like, how much is macaroni or pasta sauce?

00:40:32.000 $20?

00:40:34.000 What is toothpaste?

00:40:35.000 $2?

00:40:36.000 Something like that.

00:40:37.000 I don't know what anything costs.

00:40:39.000 I haven't forever.

00:40:40.000 Eddie Bravo always makes fun of it and says that I would be the worst person ever on the prices, right?

00:40:44.000 Yeah.

00:40:45.000 Because I literally don't know what anything costs.

00:40:47.000 It's so funny. 1.00

00:40:48.000 Hey, there's only room enough in my fucking head for so much shit. 1.00

00:40:51.000 Oh, I get you. 1.00

00:40:52.000 There's no room for that.

00:40:53.000 I just got no room for...

00:40:55.000 As long as people aren't riding the streets over the price of toothpaste, if they are, then I'll start paying attention. 0.99

00:41:00.000 It's like, I got shit to do. 0.99

00:41:01.000 I can't be worrying about what shit costs. 0.99

00:41:03.000 As long as it's fairly reasonable. 0.99

00:41:05.000 But I have friends that are wealthy, and you'll hear them go, a steak for $39?

00:41:10.000 You're telling me that this steak costs $39?

00:41:12.000 Why is this steak $39?

00:41:15.000 What are you doing?

00:41:16.000 What are you doing?

00:41:17.000 It's a number.

00:41:18.000 What does it even mean? 0.97

00:41:19.000 What the fuck is it even based on? 1.00

00:41:20.000 Just shut your mouth. 1.00

00:41:21.000 You're not broke. 1.00

00:41:22.000 Spend the $39, you cheap fuck, you whining asshole, you yammering fucking perspective lapping douchebag. 1.00

00:41:31.000 Get it together, you fuck. 1.00

00:41:32.000 It's not even a real person. 1.00

00:41:34.000 I went to that Morton's Steakhouse place.

00:41:36.000 It's a wonderful place.

00:41:36.000 Yeah, I love it.

00:41:38.000 It was the only place near me that had crab legs.

00:41:42.000 Since Vegas, I've been thinking about those crab legs from Vegas.

00:41:45.000 From Nine?

00:41:46.000 Yeah, from Nine, which is the most amazing place ever.

00:41:49.000 I went there to get them, and a half pound was $65.

00:41:54.000 I was like, That's a lot.

00:41:55.000 That's a lot.

00:41:56.000 You get it and it's like four legs is what it was. 0.99

00:41:58.000 But did you watch that show where the dudes die and they get on those fucking crab boats? 0.99

00:42:01.000 No, I didn't. 0.99

00:42:03.000 That's why it's so much.

00:42:04.000 It's because it's really hard to get.

00:42:06.000 That's where world deadliest catch?

00:42:07.000 Well, this is what I was getting at.

00:42:09.000 Then two days later, I was thinking like, I wanted more.

00:42:13.000 I wanted to eat a shitload of them.

00:42:15.000 You know what I mean?

00:42:15.000 So then I went to Olive Garden and they had to wait.

00:42:18.000 So I went to the place next door instead, which is like Outback Steakhouse.

00:42:22.000 And they had them there.

00:42:23.000 And they had a pound for $40.

00:42:27.000 And then you can add another half pound for $15.

00:42:30.000 So I got a pound and a half for the same price.

00:42:33.000 And it tasted pretty much exactly the same.

00:42:35.000 Really?

00:42:35.000 You could tell that it came out when you pulled it out.

00:42:38.000 It was a little harder, I guess.

00:42:41.000 Not as buttery and mushy as the other place, but still tastes exactly the same.

00:42:45.000 So you think they just overcooked it, maybe?

00:42:47.000 I think they were frozen, obviously.

00:42:49.000 You could probably tell the difference.

00:42:49.000 Oh, okay.

00:42:50.000 Well, I think they're all frozen, quite honestly.

00:42:52.000 Really?

00:42:52.000 Because they're coming from Alaska.

00:42:54.000 Well, I was thinking that's why I went to Morton's, though, because I was like, oh, that place probably gets it. 0.98

00:42:57.000 Well, they just know how to fucking do everything right. 0.91

00:43:00.000 There's certain places like, you know, Morton's. 0.99

00:43:02.000 There's that other one, Fleming's.

00:43:03.000 You ever eat at Fleming's?

00:43:04.000 Yeah.

00:43:05.000 There's a whole chain of those things. 0.99

00:43:06.000 They just know what the fuck they're doing. 0.98

00:43:07.000 You know, I used to actually work at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. 0.99

00:43:10.000 Hold on a second.

00:43:10.000 Wait a minute.

00:43:11.000 I know what you said, but I thought I sexually worked at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.

00:43:17.000 That's what I heard you say.

00:43:20.000 That too. 0.99

00:43:21.000 I was like, wait, what the fuck did he say? 1.00

00:43:24.000 And that place is nuts. 1.00

00:43:25.000 And then I realized it was a slurring or a...

00:43:28.000 I used to actually.

00:43:30.000 I sexually.

00:43:31.000 Oh, I see.

00:43:32.000 I used to actually.

00:43:33.000 That's it.

00:43:34.000 If you ever heard someone speak in another language and they're just... 1.00

00:43:41.000 If you don't know what they're saying, you could never discern that there's more than one word going on there.

00:43:46.000 You don't know when one stops and another one ends.

00:43:48.000 That was a classic example.

00:43:51.000 What is that?

00:43:52.000 That's not a word.

00:43:54.000 It's like a Jeff Dunham bit or something.

00:43:57.000 No, not Jeff Dunham.

00:43:58.000 What's his name?

00:43:59.000 It might be a redneck guy. 0.91

00:44:02.000 Foxworthy.

00:44:03.000 Jeff Foxworthy.

00:44:04.000 Doesn't he have a, like, he had, like, things he would write down, like, D-G-E-A-T-D-G! Like, there was, like, you know, there was, like, a redneck vocabulary. 0.99

00:44:19.000 Have you ever seen that show Swamp People where they're just alligator hunting?

00:44:22.000 Uh-uh. 1.00

00:44:23.000 Holy fuck, man. 1.00

00:44:24.000 I don't think I'm going to buy alligator shit anymore. 1.00

00:44:27.000 I don't like alligators, so I buy alligator skin things. 0.99

00:44:30.000 When I was a little kid, an alligator ate this lady's dog. 1.00

00:44:33.000 And I'll never forget that I lived there.

00:44:35.000 I lived in Gainesville, Florida.

00:44:37.000 And there was a place called Lake Alice.

00:44:39.000 And there's alligators there.

00:44:40.000 You'd see them all the time.

00:44:42.000 And I didn't think nothing of it because nobody was scared until one of them ate this lady's dog. 1.00

00:44:46.000 And I was like, oh, you motherfucker. 1.00

00:44:49.000 But when you watch these people on these shows, these alligator hunting shows, first of all, you realize how many fucking alligators there are. 1.00

00:44:58.000 Because they're killing a shitload of them. 0.99

00:45:00.000 You know, they have like a tag that they can fill.

00:45:03.000 I don't remember what the guy was saying, but it was like, I think it was like 500 or something.

00:45:08.000 Let's find out alligator tag limits in Florida. 0.99

00:45:13.000 We didn't talk how was being in Texas during all that fucking bomb shit and fertilizer things. 1.00

00:45:18.000 Crazy. 1.00

00:45:20.000 Crazy.

00:45:21.000 We missed the fertilizer thing because I was only there for one day. 1.00

00:45:26.000 But the bomb shit, all of it is just... 0.99

00:45:29.000 The whole thing is... 0.99

00:45:31.000 When something like that happens, it's so fucking scary. 0.78

00:45:35.000 You know Katie? 0.96

00:45:36.000 Waitress Katie from the Comedy Store? 0.71

00:45:38.000 Yeah.

00:45:38.000 Her cousins, like look at this photo right here.

00:45:41.000 Here's the terrorist guy right here in the hat.

00:45:44.000 This is him dropping off the bomb.

00:45:45.000 Yeah.

00:45:46.000 Because this is the restaurant and he's walking the opposite way so that he must just dropped it off right there.

00:45:52.000 Right.

00:45:52.000 Here's supposedly the kid that died.

00:45:54.000 Oh God.

00:45:55.000 Here's her cousins all right over here and they all lost their limbs.

00:45:59.000 Oh God.

00:46:00.000 And so they're gonna have like a benefit show soon.

00:46:04.000 That's just a crazy picture, though, because it has it all together. 1.00

00:46:08.000 What the fuck, man? 0.99

00:46:11.000 No one knows any motive yet. 1.00

00:46:14.000 Where we're at now in the news, it's all purely speculation because the brother's dead, and the youngest brother, he got shot in the throat.

00:46:23.000 Apparently the only way he's communicating is writing things down.

00:46:27.000 How is something I just don't understand?

00:46:29.000 And of course, there's a million people online that are shouting out false flag, false flag, the government's trying to take our weapons away and tighten down security and that's why this is happening.

00:46:40.000 Did you read the kid's Twitter? 1.00

00:46:41.000 I stayed up all night and read that shit. 1.00

00:46:44.000 His Twitter was spooky. 1.00

00:46:45.000 I didn't see it.

00:46:46.000 Yeah, his Twitter was really spooky.

00:46:48.000 It was weird. 0.99

00:46:48.000 It seemed normal, but then he would throw in little things like fuck the police or something like Mohammed something type shit. 0.99

00:46:55.000 Well, I think if you're going to paraphrase a guy who's a fucking murderer, the least you could do is go to his Twitter page, you lazy fuck, and actually read the nutty tweets that the guy said. 1.00

00:47:04.000 Hey, I'm the most stress-free guy. 1.00

00:47:06.000 That's what he said.

00:47:07.000 That was one of his tweets.

00:47:08.000 That's why he said that.

00:47:10.000 He goes, I'm mostly kind of a stress-free guy.

00:47:12.000 This is after he had blown people up.

00:47:15.000 Allegedly, of course.

00:47:16.000 This is the kid that survived.

00:47:18.000 The one that's dead, there's all these disputes about what happened to him.

00:47:22.000 Some people are saying the cops ran over him.

00:47:24.000 He's saying his brother ran over him.

00:47:28.000 The whole thing sounds like, and people are crying out conspiracy, but one thing you have to realize about information whenever there's a tragedy or whenever there's anything that's like really scary like this, you know, there's a terrorist bombing, is people panic.

00:47:40.000 And you get a whole bunch of different versions of the truth.

00:47:43.000 And it's not a conspiracy a lot of times, it's just no one knows what the fuck is going on, everybody's terrified, and stories spread very quickly.

00:47:51.000 Like, they thought at one point in time that one of the suspects was a missing university student from Brown.

00:47:57.000 And he was, I believe he was an Indian young man, and his family had been looking for him for like a month, and they distributed this video, and people were saying this is one of the suspects, that this is what happened, that he'd become like a jihadist and left.

00:48:11.000 But that wasn't true at all.

00:48:12.000 By the morning, we found out it was a totally different person.

00:48:15.000 So this isn't like a conspiracy to hide that information.

00:48:20.000 And I think that's really important when people are looking at events like this.

00:48:26.000 Wait till the dust settles. 0.99

00:48:28.000 Don't just start fucking... 0.99

00:48:30.000 Calling out conspiracy and calling out red flags and false flags, saying that it's some nefarious thing going on. 1.00

00:48:42.000 Whatever it is, it's horrific.

00:48:44.000 But jumping on the...

00:48:46.000 Immediate conspiracy bandwagon.

00:48:48.000 It's like, man, that is one of the worst things for the cause of questioning things.

00:48:53.000 And if you ever wanted to be a good disinformation agent, what you do is the moment that anything happens, start yelling and screaming that it's a conspiracy and expose every single aspect of it.

00:49:06.000 That you feel is corrupt.

00:49:08.000 That would be the best way for the government to protect themselves from any thoughts of being labeled, you know, as being a part of a conspiracy because there's so many nutty people that do that with every single event that it's like they've cried wolf, you know?

00:49:25.000 Yeah.

00:49:26.000 I was so nervous with Greg Fitzsimmons that night because he was actually down there doing shows and I text him and he said that and the shows were cancelled and he was just in his bed.

00:49:35.000 Watching movies.

00:49:36.000 The show's gotta cancel.

00:49:37.000 That one night, I don't know if it was, was it Friday night?

00:49:39.000 That was...

00:49:40.000 He flew all the way down there.

00:49:41.000 Yeah.

00:49:42.000 That show was crazy, man.

00:49:43.000 Friday night, I was...

00:49:44.000 What was even crazier is how horrible CNN was.

00:49:47.000 They were like an hour and a half behind, but then you'd like, look, what was it?

00:49:50.000 Hashtag Watertown?

00:49:51.000 That jam...

00:49:53.000 It was just like, guy throwing grenades, this happening, this happening.

00:49:57.000 It was so insane reading that.

00:49:59.000 And it was amazing how censored everything was or delayed it was on the news.

00:50:04.000 It was like, you think people are getting grenades thrown at them, that would be on the news immediately.

00:50:09.000 But they were just talking like, oh, we're still looking for this guy.

00:50:12.000 It's incredible.

00:50:13.000 Everybody's a witness now and everybody's a cameraman now.

00:50:18.000 What's happening is...

00:50:20.000 People on the streets can beat the news because they're right there too.

00:50:24.000 But you also don't get a filter, meaning you don't get anyone correcting it either.

00:50:29.000 So it's interesting because you get instantaneous news, but you don't get it vetted.

00:50:36.000 People don't make sure that everything that's coming through is kosher.

00:50:39.000 Not that the news always gets it right.

00:50:41.000 They don't.

00:50:42.000 And I guess it's better to do it that way where it eventually sorts itself out. 0.83

00:50:47.000 But people that would step in and sabotage that process and create disinformation, like a government agency could be pretty fucking successful at doing that, I think. 0.99

00:50:57.000 And there's probably a bunch of people that are hired to do that shit all the time. 0.96

00:51:01.000 I've been accused of it myself, but I will tell you that it is incorrect. 0.99

00:51:06.000 And then I think, like in those Starsky and Hutch movies, like when someone would say, or a TV show, right?

00:51:13.000 Any cop show.

00:51:15.000 They used to have to, remember in the old days, like someone would say, if you're a cop, you got to tell me, like when someone's an undercover cop.

00:51:20.000 And remember, it was like, there was a secret password.

00:51:20.000 Oh yeah.

00:51:22.000 You got to ask them, are you a cop? 1.00

00:51:24.000 And they go, shit, yeah, I'm a cop. 1.00

00:51:26.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:51:27.000 I'm too smart for you, Jack.

00:51:28.000 You can't buy this heroin.

00:51:29.000 You know, there was like some magic word.

00:51:32.000 I think that was a creation of fiction.

00:51:34.000 Yeah, I think they changed that.

00:51:36.000 Yeah.

00:51:37.000 But people always thought that.

00:51:42.000 But, you know, that's probably some disinformation the cops put out.

00:51:48.000 There was an accusation recently that the DEA put out a false paper about them not being able to track people by using iMessage, because iMessage is over the internet.

00:52:00.000 And so there was an article on a tech site, like if you're planning to sell drugs, do it through iMessage.

00:52:07.000 Because the DEA says it can't read it.

00:52:07.000 Wow.

00:52:09.000 And then, you know, the DEA's pressuring Apple.

00:52:12.000 But it turned out that was fake. 0.99

00:52:13.000 It was like the DEA made that to get a bunch of assholes that are drug dealers to go, your dog just, I messaged me. 0.99

00:52:20.000 I don't know what accent that is. 0.99

00:52:21.000 If that's your nationality, I apologize. 1.00

00:52:23.000 It was just a spur of the moment thing.

00:52:26.000 And it mean no disrespect.

00:52:28.000 But, you know, like...

00:52:30.000 The EA put out fake news to trick dummies into using iMessage to sell drugs.

00:52:37.000 That's a good idea.

00:52:38.000 It is.

00:52:39.000 It's very crafty.

00:52:40.000 But it's one of those things where it gets to the point of, you know, that's not total entrapment.

00:52:47.000 That's just lying.

00:52:49.000 But what happens when you have undercover people?

00:52:52.000 When you have undercover people involved, those undercover people sell you coke and then you arrest them.

00:52:56.000 That's crazy.

00:52:58.000 You know why it's crazy?

00:52:59.000 Because there's no real coke.

00:53:01.000 You're not selling them coke.

00:53:02.000 You're arresting them.

00:53:03.000 So you're saying that they wanted to buy coke.

00:53:06.000 But you weren't even really selling coke.

00:53:07.000 You just got them to act through the moments.

00:53:09.000 That's a good point.

00:53:10.000 I never thought of it that way.

00:53:11.000 You got to talk through it.

00:53:11.000 There's no coke to buy.

00:53:13.000 There's no crime to commit.

00:53:14.000 They might have thought they were going to commit a crime.

00:53:16.000 But there was no real code.

00:53:17.000 They're not really buying anything.

00:53:18.000 You're not really selling anything.

00:53:19.000 There was no real transaction.

00:53:21.000 It's a fake transaction.

00:53:22.000 You're playing make-believe. 1.00

00:53:24.000 And that's fucked up. 0.99

00:53:25.000 Because you're also trying to arrest people. 0.99

00:53:28.000 Because the more people you arrest, the better your career looks.

00:53:31.000 So it becomes a quantifiable thing.

00:53:33.000 So you can talk someone into doing something illegal and then arrest them.

00:53:38.000 And then it helps you.

00:53:39.000 But that's crazy. 1.00

00:53:40.000 Because people talk to people in the suck of their dick. 1.00

00:53:42.000 People talk people into doing all sorts of stupid shit they didn't really want to do. 1.00

00:53:46.000 They just did because they got persuaded. 1.00

00:53:48.000 Because people could be persuasive. 1.00

00:53:49.000 So if you're some crazy sociopathic fuck that just so happens to be an undercover cop and you want to talk people into doing shit for you so you can arrest them, we need to put you in a cage. 1.00

00:54:01.000 Okay? 1.00

00:54:02.000 You, you crazy fuck. 1.00

00:54:04.000 Yeah, Tony. 1.00

00:54:05.000 Yeah, are you saying I'm an undercover cop?

00:54:06.000 No.

00:54:07.000 How'd you guys find out about that?

00:54:09.000 Well, the internet.

00:54:11.000 It's one of the first...

00:54:12.000 We had to vet it, but we just figured we'd run it by you first, see how you reacted.

00:54:17.000 Well, you know I have to tell you, once you bring it up, it's true.

00:54:20.000 I'm an undercover cop.

00:54:21.000 You know, it's just the whole idea that they can pretend to buy drugs from you and then arrest you.

00:54:26.000 It's like, what are you doing with it?

00:54:27.000 Why don't you go get a...

00:54:28.000 Stop! 1.00

00:54:29.000 Stop that.

00:54:30.000 You're selling fake drugs?

00:54:31.000 You're buying fake drugs?

00:54:32.000 Stop it. 1.00

00:54:34.000 Just cut the shit. 1.00

00:54:35.000 Stop trying to trick people, okay? 1.00

00:54:37.000 Either you catch them or you don't.

00:54:38.000 Stop playing games, pretending you're criminals.

00:54:38.000 Right.

00:54:40.000 Either you catch them or you don't.

00:54:42.000 Jesus Christ.

00:54:42.000 Can't we be, everybody be a superhero?

00:54:44.000 Superheroes don't pretend to be undercover drug lords and sell you fucking illegal guns and then arrest you. 0.98

00:54:51.000 Yeah, I think with the drugs it's good. 0.99

00:54:52.000 I think they should keep doing that predator thing though.

00:54:55.000 The drones?

00:54:56.000 No, the To Catch a Predator, like busting the guys that are trying to hook up with kids and stuff.

00:55:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:02.000 That's different.

00:55:03.000 Predator drones. 0.98

00:55:05.000 Yeah, but even that, you know, what's fucked up about that is like, what if you got like a really weak dude and he's a pedophile and he's gone through like... 0.98

00:55:14.000 You know, counseling, and he's got, like, all this, you know, shit that's heavy in his head, but he's gonna figure out a way to never abuse again. 1.00

00:55:23.000 Like, he got out of jail, and he's trying to go through counseling, he's trying to straighten himself out, and then along comes that fucking To Catch a Predator show, and they just troll his ass. 0.99

00:55:34.000 I don't know how they get people to get into their site and chat with them and shit like that. 0.99

00:55:34.000 Ah. 0.99

00:55:39.000 I don't know what those people say back.

00:55:40.000 I don't know what they get to say back, but...

00:55:42.000 Well, sometimes, you know, they have the kid being extra teasy.

00:55:45.000 It is sort of...

00:55:46.000 Hey, there's a party. 1.00

00:55:49.000 It's so fucked up. 1.00

00:55:50.000 I'm having a party. 1.00

00:55:51.000 I'm making cookies.

00:55:52.000 Can you bring, you know...

00:55:53.000 Do you want some sweet tea?

00:55:55.000 There's always sweet tea.

00:55:56.000 Have some sweet tea. 1.00

00:55:58.000 Something about sweet tea makes you want to suck dick. 1.00

00:56:01.000 There's some cookies on the table. 1.00

00:56:03.000 I'll be right out.

00:56:05.000 What's his name?

00:56:05.000 And then that...

00:56:06.000 Chris Hansen. 0.53

00:56:08.000 How many crazy people has that guy met?

00:56:08.000 Powerful Chris Hansen.

00:56:10.000 Do they still do that? 0.96

00:56:11.000 Poor, nutty people. 0.91

00:56:12.000 I don't think so. 0.69

00:56:13.000 I think they got in trouble.

00:56:15.000 I think...

00:56:16.000 I don't...

00:56:17.000 See, a lot of what they did...

00:56:19.000 First of all, I think you have to get people to sign releases...

00:56:22.000 To air that stuff.

00:56:23.000 I don't know how they got anybody to sign a release.

00:56:25.000 I don't know.

00:56:29.000 How did they do that?

00:56:31.000 They probably covered their costs.

00:56:35.000 Their lawyers.

00:56:36.000 Everything.

00:56:37.000 Oh yeah.

00:56:37.000 Really?

00:56:38.000 Because it's worth it to them to have a hit.

00:56:40.000 We're just totally speculating.

00:56:41.000 This is no better than anyone.

00:56:44.000 So why don't we look that up real quick.

00:56:46.000 How did To Catch a Predator...

00:56:46.000 Let's see.

00:56:48.000 What do you think I should Google?

00:56:49.000 How did To Catch a Predator get them to sign waivers?

00:56:51.000 Sure.

00:56:51.000 Watch what you Google, man.

00:56:53.000 You don't want that in your Google records.

00:56:54.000 Yeah, no kidding, right?

00:56:56.000 Hey, what was up with you in the Google Glasses, man?

00:56:58.000 I'll tell you.

00:56:58.000 I saw...

00:56:59.000 Hold on.

00:56:59.000 Did you just call me honey?

00:57:01.000 Honey, sweetie pie.

00:57:02.000 How did To Catch a Predator get them to sign waivers?

00:57:09.000 Yeah, you could get in trouble for looking too much into Catch a Predator.

00:57:14.000 What are you trying to do?

00:57:15.000 Trying to avoid being busted?

00:57:19.000 I was thinking about that the other day.

00:57:21.000 How do you even know what's going on if you can't Google certain things?

00:57:25.000 I was thinking of looking up how to make a bomb just to see if that's out there.

00:57:29.000 Nobody knows if that's out there if you don't Google it and everybody's afraid to Google it.

00:57:34.000 Does that make sense?

00:57:35.000 Did you do it?

00:57:36.000 No, I didn't.

00:57:37.000 I don't want anything to happen to me.

00:57:40.000 Which is why I think it left an impression.

00:57:42.000 It was something I was curious about.

00:57:44.000 I wish there was a thing you could Google where it's like...

00:57:47.000 I don't know.

00:57:48.000 I just don't get it.

00:57:49.000 But it seems like any crazy could...

00:57:52.000 I don't know.

00:57:54.000 The internet's powerful.

00:57:55.000 The scariest thing about shows like Catch a Predator is you see that these guys are broken.

00:58:00.000 You see they're horrified when they get caught. 0.99

00:58:03.000 You see they know that it's fucked up. 1.00

00:58:05.000 It's not like they're these remorseless, cold, insensitive, unfeeling... 1.00

00:58:10.000 They're not scared when they get caught.

00:58:12.000 These guys fall apart.

00:58:13.000 You can see they're horrified at who they are.

00:58:17.000 It's really...

00:58:18.000 It's scary.

00:58:19.000 It's scary to see.

00:58:20.000 Because it's like a glimpse into madness.

00:58:22.000 You know?

00:58:23.000 That guy, Chris Hansen...

00:58:24.000 I guarantee you... 1.00

00:58:26.000 Now, this sounds like some hippie bullshit... 1.00

00:58:28.000 But being around people that are that fucked up on a regular basis... 1.00

00:58:34.000 And broadcasting them... 1.00

00:58:36.000 And paying your bills based on broadcasting them...

00:58:41.000 Under the guise, I guess, you're pulling these people off the street, and that's always a good thing.

00:58:46.000 Well, you know what happened to him, right?

00:58:47.000 What was it?

00:58:48.000 Was it he got caught cheating on his wife or something?

00:58:51.000 It was some big media thing.

00:58:53.000 Yeah, he got investigated with a camera.

00:58:55.000 He was out with another bone mound. 0.99

00:58:57.000 I mean, look, I don't know what the fuck the guy's marriage was like. 0.99

00:58:59.000 I don't want to crack on the guy for that. 0.99

00:59:02.000 I think there's a big difference between that and some fucking child, some consensual... 1.00

00:59:10.000 Shit he did with his secretary or whoever that freak is. 1.00

00:59:15.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:59:16.000 I hate him for that. 1.00

00:59:18.000 But being around all those people that were kid fuckers, man. 1.00

00:59:24.000 That's got to wear on your soul. 0.99

00:59:26.000 That's got to wear on your soul to just even see these people over and over again and being in their presence when you know most of them are probably...

00:59:32.000 I mean, I guess this isn't their first time.

00:59:35.000 I would assume this isn't their first time. 0.92

00:59:37.000 They probably already had sex with young kids already. 1.00

00:59:40.000 So you watch that, it's got to be a really depressing view of the world. 0.99

00:59:47.000 There's only so many different things you can expose yourself to in a 24-hour time period, and you've got 365 of those 24-hour time periods in a year, and you've got 100 of those years if you keep your shit together, but most likely no. 0.99

01:00:00.000 And you're going to spend time hanging around pedophiles all the time? 0.88

01:00:04.000 And it's one thing if you're a guy and that's your job to pull them off the street, but I'm not exactly sure what good it does making a show out of that.

01:00:14.000 You know what I mean?

01:00:15.000 Except scare the fuck out of everybody and make us aware. 0.98

01:00:18.000 But I feel like, you know, not that I mind them being outed because it's such a heinous crime against humanity, but man, it seems like a fucked up thing to broadcast, you know? 0.96

01:00:31.000 It's like, what do we want to concentrate on?

01:00:32.000 It's one thing to work on cleaning that up, but as a piece of entertainment programming, you're going to concentrate on someone who wants to victimize children, and you're just going to focus on that a lot.

01:00:43.000 I think it was a hit because, you know, they're the ultimate bad guys.

01:00:46.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:46.000 So you're looking at the villain of all villains.

01:00:49.000 Right. 0.99

01:00:49.000 No matter how fucked up your own life is, right? 0.99

01:00:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:51.000 Right. 1.00

01:00:52.000 Nobody's lower than a child molester. 1.00

01:00:54.000 Everybody can go, that fucking piece of shit. 1.00

01:00:57.000 That fucking piece. 1.00

01:00:58.000 You get to be on the couch picking your fat toes, smoking a cigarette. 1.00

01:01:02.000 You're sitting there just picking dry skin out of your toes and just dropping it on the floor. 1.00

01:01:06.000 Oh, this motherfucker. 1.00

01:01:07.000 That piece of shit. 1.00

01:01:08.000 I hope he rots. 1.00

01:01:09.000 I hope he rots in jail. 1.00

01:01:11.000 Death is too good for him. 1.00

01:01:13.000 I hope he rots in jail. 1.00

01:01:14.000 You know what they do to child molesters? 0.99

01:01:15.000 They get him in there. 1.00

01:01:17.000 This person, this fucking wretched, stupid human being is barely an ape. 1.00

01:01:22.000 I get the shit on this child molester and feel better. 1.00

01:01:25.000 That voice grosses me out. 1.00

01:01:26.000 That Boston lady? 1.00

01:01:27.000 Yeah.

01:01:28.000 I feel bad.

01:01:29.000 I shouldn't do it.

01:01:29.000 I'm from Boston.

01:01:30.000 Boston is in a bad position right now.

01:01:35.000 I just don't, you know, this Boston thing.

01:01:38.000 One of the things that is fascinating is that There was a thing about how they weren't going to read him his rights.

01:01:49.000 This thing about whether or not they were going to try him as an enemy combatant or try him as a civilian.

01:01:58.000 It's really fascinating that that's becoming a real issue.

01:02:02.000 The way they decide to approach it.

01:02:04.000 Is this guy an American that we're going to try as an American? 0.98

01:02:08.000 When someone commits any form of terrorism, are they instantly just out of the club, or do we try them as one of us?

01:02:17.000 Is it a war thing?

01:02:19.000 Are we at war?

01:02:20.000 How are we going to go forward in this?

01:02:23.000 Yeah, it's interesting.

01:02:25.000 It's interesting the way we label things, you know?

01:02:28.000 And it's interesting, okay, any conspiracy theory aside, that all these nutty ideas that are floating around, one thing we know for sure, there was bombs that a person put in place that killed a bunch of people that didn't do anything wrong. 0.98

01:02:46.000 And we have to figure out how the fuck that happens.

01:02:51.000 And I know that sounds super simplistic, but as a human, as a species that's evolving, clearly, as we were talking about the Mongols earlier, and like what they used to do a thousand years ago, like our most heinous acts pale in comparison to those of our ancestors. 0.99

01:03:10.000 But when something like this happens, you realize that people are still capable Of such embarrassing, ruthless stupidity, arrogance, and just horrific insensitivity towards their fellow man. 0.98

01:03:31.000 The idea that you could just take a bunch of people you don't know and kill them and maim them and you just were in the wrong spot at the wrong time and I got a message. 1.00

01:03:41.000 And there's only one thing that gets people to do that, folks, by the way. 0.99

01:03:45.000 And that's an ideology.

01:03:47.000 Right.

01:03:48.000 It could either be a religion or it could be a cult or it can be, you know, some group that you belong to that's sworn allegiance to a certain code or set of rules. 0.99

01:03:57.000 But that's the only way you get people to do shit like that. 0.96

01:04:00.000 If they don't have an ideology, they just don't do that. 0.99

01:04:02.000 It doesn't make sense.

01:04:04.000 There's no evolutionary benefit to doing that other than pleasing a group of other like-minded psychopaths.

01:04:12.000 Someone, you have to be Amongst a group of people that have very specific beliefs that above all else take precedent so that you're willing to put your humanity aside for your crazy beliefs in a completely irrational display of destructive power and that you can kill innocents.

01:04:36.000 That only comes from ideology and we get really lost when we start talking about Religious freedom and religion and, you know, and atheists are guilty of this just as much as really religious people are. 0.80

01:04:51.000 Because whether you call it being a Muslim, whether you call it being a Buddhist, whether you call it being a vegan, whether you call it being a Christian, whether you call it being a Republican, whether you call it being a Democrat, whether you call it being a progressive, when you lock yourself in anything,

01:05:09.000 you become a part of something that's almost been decided for you. 0.96

01:05:18.000 You lock into a pre Arrange set of opinions on things and some of them are batshit fucking crazy and just like the Mongols got a hundred thousand motherfuckers to roam across Russia and Europe and China and slaughter millions of people you can't do that unless you got a cause you can't do that unless you're part of a group you can't do that unless your group is separate from the 1.00

01:05:48.000 other groups And the only way that ever works is someone's got to talk you into that shit. 0.99

01:05:53.000 You've got to be a part of something. 0.99

01:05:54.000 And with this kid, apparently, the one that they're saying did it.

01:06:00.000 He was a pretty radical, religious young man.

01:06:03.000 Now, whether or not that's true, who knows?

01:06:05.000 It has to be.

01:06:06.000 It seems to be the one thing that all these people have in common.

01:06:09.000 Yeah.

01:06:10.000 Well, I think the false flag people are thinking that Somebody gave them all this stuff and that they were talked into doing it and that it was a plan to erode civil liberties, that they would sacrifice a few Americans and clamp down on laws.

01:06:24.000 This really is classically what military leaders have been doing since the beginning of time.

01:06:30.000 Like we were talking about, armies in the past would actually sacrifice soldiers and slaughter them so that the rest of the people could eat.

01:06:37.000 They would cannibalize themselves.

01:06:39.000 They had to talk somebody into doing something like that.

01:06:45.000 The first time somebody does that, it's super awkward.

01:06:48.000 Yeah.

01:06:50.000 It's hard to believe that in this day and age, if you look at how amazing humans are capable of being, here's a perfect example.

01:07:03.000 Oprah.

01:07:05.000 No, I know Brian doesn't like my love for Oprah.

01:07:08.000 I love that your love for Oprah.

01:07:10.000 I think it's funny stuff.

01:07:11.000 Brian, he goofs on me.

01:07:13.000 But it's an honest appreciation for what she does because Oprah, like, you know, I had a friend who worked for her and he was like, man, she's like super, um, do you got to pee? 1.00

01:07:24.000 You weak bitch. 1.00

01:07:26.000 Barely an hour in. 1.00

01:07:27.000 How the fuck are you going to try to be a stand-up comedian? 0.99

01:07:29.000 Go two hours without peeing. 1.00

01:07:29.000 Can't even... 1.00

01:07:31.000 My friend was like, he worked for her, and he was like, wow, she's intense.

01:07:35.000 She has an idea of what she wants, and she gets it done.

01:07:41.000 I think he was probably intimidated by it, too, because he was working for her.

01:07:44.000 Stop and think about how much nice that lady does. 1.00

01:07:48.000 That lady is so nice. 1.00

01:07:50.000 All those women that come to her show, they feel great.

01:07:53.000 Everybody leaves positive.

01:07:55.000 I was reading this thing the other day on negative energy.

01:07:59.000 There was some sort of a study that actually showed that negative energy is contagious.

01:08:03.000 If you're hanging around people that are negative, it doesn't just affect you when you communicate with them.

01:08:10.000 It becomes a part of the way you communicate as well.

01:08:12.000 It becomes contagious.

01:08:14.000 One super aggressive, contagious, negative person can actually affect a company.

01:08:18.000 I think that's why it's important that, I mean, companies have been really focused on that.

01:08:24.000 I think ones that are really aware of the social structure within their organization, they want to make sure that you don't get, like, a really negative, downer-type person in any sort of a role.

01:08:35.000 Because if you get them, you know, they can really infect, like, if they're, especially if you had some guy, like, you're working on a big project, you got some one guy who's leading it, and he's a douchebag, and everybody shows up at work, like, ugh! 1.00

01:08:47.000 There's very few things in life worse than being stuck, like working in a job that sucks with a boss who's an asshole, right? 1.00

01:08:55.000 Why are all bosses mostly assholes too? 1.00

01:08:58.000 It's hard to get people to listen. 0.99

01:08:59.000 I look back at all the jobs I've ever had. 1.00

01:09:02.000 And the majority, they were always the assholes. 0.99

01:09:05.000 They were never the people you hung out with or wanted to hang out with. 1.00

01:09:08.000 They were always the assholes. 1.00

01:09:10.000 I was always a terrible employee. 1.00

01:09:11.000 So I think any time a boss got mad at me, I totally deserved it. 0.98

01:09:15.000 I did a shit job mowing lawns when I was You know, a landscaper. 0.98

01:09:23.000 I remember the guy hired me. 1.00

01:09:25.000 I fucking scalped this lawn. 0.99

01:09:26.000 I didn't know how to work a lawnmower. 0.99

01:09:28.000 I lied, just so I could get the job.

01:09:30.000 Like, my friend did it, and he said, you could do it easy.

01:09:32.000 It's not hard, but it was hard.

01:09:34.000 The first time we did it, it was kind of hard to figure out. 0.99

01:09:36.000 These are old, shitty lawnmowers, you know, and I scalped the shit out of this lawn. 1.00

01:09:40.000 I fucking hate mowing lawns. 1.00

01:09:41.000 Don't you hate it? 0.99

01:09:42.000 That used to be torture back as a child.

01:09:45.000 Oh, yeah.

01:09:45.000 It's not easy.

01:09:46.000 But when I was in high school, my friend Chris, he – one of the things about Boston, about growing up in Boston, Boston is like a really – they have a lot of ingenuity. 0.92

01:09:56.000 There's a lot of like – people get shit done.

01:09:59.000 There's like a strong work ethic there. 0.95

01:10:01.000 Like, clearly, way stronger work ethic than I ever experienced here in California.

01:10:06.000 Like, people are so used to getting up in the morning, shoveling their car out from the snow. 1.00

01:10:11.000 They're used to shit. 0.99

01:10:13.000 Like, it's a different kind of, like, there's a different kind of, like, mentality there, you know? 1.00

01:10:19.000 And if you grow up there, you grow...

01:10:21.000 I forget what we were talking about.

01:10:22.000 I had an example.

01:10:24.000 What were we talking about just before that?

01:10:28.000 Yes.

01:10:31.000 I had a point and I completely lost it in trying to figure out why it is. 0.99

01:10:39.000 Damn it. 0.99

01:10:40.000 You didn't take your alpha brain today. 1.00

01:10:42.000 I didn't.

01:10:42.000 I took it, but not until right before the show.

01:10:45.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:10:46.000 Mowing lawns. 1.00

01:10:48.000 Oprah.

01:10:50.000 It's passed over, dude.

01:10:50.000 No, no, no.

01:10:51.000 It was the mowing lawns thing.

01:10:53.000 It was about...

01:10:54.000 Oh, my friend Chris.

01:10:55.000 Okay.

01:10:55.000 When I was in high school, this is what it was.

01:10:57.000 When everybody else was like, you know, I had a job at like Papa Gino's and shit. 0.92

01:11:02.000 I was like making spaghetti and it was like... 0.97

01:11:05.000 Pretty easy.

01:11:06.000 Boring job.

01:11:06.000 This kid had a lawnmower empire.

01:11:10.000 He had a landscaping empire.

01:11:12.000 He had a brand new car.

01:11:14.000 He had people working for him.

01:11:15.000 He had lawns that were going while he was at school.

01:11:18.000 He had guys working for him.

01:11:19.000 They were cutting lawns while he was at school.

01:11:21.000 And he would come home and he would go and work till night time and then show up and work the next day.

01:11:26.000 He always had new sneakers on.

01:11:28.000 He was like a grown man by the time we were 17. This fucking kid. 1.00

01:11:32.000 I'd never been around more people that made me feel like a lazy bitch. 1.00

01:11:36.000 There was so many dudes, like my friend Jimmy, that I used to love, Jimmy Dutileo. 0.99

01:11:41.000 This guy, like, he had, from the time he was in high school, he had his own electrical business.

01:11:45.000 He worked for a guy for a little while, started doing work on the side.

01:11:49.000 By the time he got out of high school, the dude's got his own business. 0.99

01:11:51.000 He's just busting ass 10, 12 hours a day, driving around like a maniac. 0.58

01:11:57.000 When you're around people like that, you develop that sort of tenacity. 0.98

01:12:03.000 That exists in not a lot of spots in this country.

01:12:07.000 I think that dealing with environmental conditions, there's something about that.

01:12:13.000 That's why people from New York tend to be funnier.

01:12:16.000 People from Boston tend to be funnier. 1.00

01:12:18.000 It's because they're dealing with so much bullshit all the time. 1.00

01:12:20.000 Oh, definitely. 1.00

01:12:21.000 And Kim Trails.

01:12:22.000 Kim Trails.

01:12:24.000 I definitely think where you're raised...

01:12:25.000 Where you're coming up with that.

01:12:26.000 Where you're raised has a lot to do with that type of crazy factor of your communication skills, really.

01:12:32.000 I think it's down to small talk.

01:12:35.000 If the city that you're raised in, it rains a lot, you're going to end up having to talk with your friends more.

01:12:41.000 Or if it snows a lot, if it rains a lot, if it's a windy city, things like that.

01:12:45.000 It's true.

01:12:46.000 And I think those things really apply.

01:12:48.000 Yeah, socially, for sure, right?

01:12:50.000 Yeah.

01:12:51.000 In California, you could sleep outside and live.

01:12:53.000 Ohio, you drank, got drunk, and just partied and talked on the porch while smoking cigarettes.

01:12:53.000 Right.

01:13:00.000 That's it.

01:13:00.000 Don't you think that Ohio of today, growing up in the same place where you grew up, would be very different because of the internet?

01:13:07.000 Because kids growing up with the internet?

01:13:09.000 Be a lot more tolerable, that's for sure.

01:13:11.000 Yeah, right?

01:13:11.000 Yeah.

01:13:12.000 That's a totally different world now.

01:13:14.000 The whole world all of a sudden got lights turned on everywhere.

01:13:17.000 Lights turned on and the news started showing up. 0.98

01:13:19.000 All the information started flowing, whereas before you relied on local newspapers and fucking TV news. 1.00

01:13:25.000 Bitch, how the fuck did you know what was going on? 1.00

01:13:28.000 How did anybody know what was going on back then? 1.00

01:13:31.000 Man.

01:13:32.000 Yeah.

01:13:33.000 How did anybody know?

01:13:36.000 So I think they're saying that there's certain laws that apply to pedophiles.

01:13:41.000 That's why those guys were allowed to be put on that show.

01:13:43.000 And there's a reason why they quit.

01:13:45.000 A guy killed himself while filming it.

01:13:47.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:13:48.000 One of the suspects.

01:13:49.000 Somebody tweeted it.

01:13:50.000 Well, if they were being honest, wouldn't they say, good riddance.

01:13:54.000 See you next week.

01:13:55.000 Yeah, they would show it.

01:13:57.000 I mean, are they trying to get rid of predators?

01:13:58.000 They're trying to catch them.

01:13:59.000 It's bad if they commit suicide? 1.00

01:14:01.000 Well, we're all God's creatures, even the ones that fuck kids. 1.00

01:14:07.000 I mean, what is that? 1.00

01:14:08.000 That's ridiculous. 0.95

01:14:10.000 Wow, they got sued for $105 million. 0.95

01:14:13.000 Why don't they just come clean and give the guys a gun on the show? 1.00

01:14:17.000 And go, listen, sir, there's a bullet in that gun, put it up to your head, fuck this trial, and we'll pay for your funeral. 1.00

01:14:26.000 And we'll, you know. 1.00

01:14:27.000 That'd be the most watched reality program. 0.99

01:14:29.000 And then as soon as he blows his brains, I'll go, psych! 0.99

01:14:32.000 Film it. 1.00

01:14:35.000 Get a close-up on him.

01:14:36.000 We're out.

01:14:37.000 Just get out of there. 0.77

01:14:37.000 Just leave him there. 0.77

01:14:39.000 Put it on TV. No one's going to know.

01:14:45.000 What are they going to do?

01:14:46.000 Are the cops going to sue NBC? Are they going to bring him in for questioning?

01:14:50.000 Look, you saw what happened. 1.00

01:14:51.000 The guy fucks kids. 1.00

01:14:52.000 Okay, we're good here, right? 1.00

01:14:52.000 We gave him a gun. 1.00

01:14:54.000 Yeah.

01:14:55.000 Would that be illegal?

01:14:57.000 I would say yes.

01:14:59.000 Especially if the guy didn't have a gun permit.

01:15:01.000 I guess it really depends on the gun law.

01:15:04.000 Maybe you could do it if you gave him the gun and said, whatever you do, do not shoot yourself in the head right now on TV. Give him a little smile and a wink.

01:15:17.000 There was this weird comic at the store last night.

01:15:21.000 Do you remember this, Tony?

01:15:23.000 There was some Norwegian... 0.99

01:15:25.000 I did something for Michael Jackson or something, but he had this huge Wikipedia that just goes off about how brilliant this guy is and how much money he has.

01:15:34.000 Oh, did he write his own Wikipedia?

01:15:35.000 Maybe, but he's connected to a lot of these TV shows and stuff. 0.96

01:15:39.000 But anyways, his wife comes up to me and goes, Hey, fat man, come here, fat man. 0.95

01:15:45.000 And it was right in front of you. 0.95

01:15:46.000 I do know who you're talking about.

01:15:48.000 And she was trying to tell me that he has this nice house up here, and pretty much she was trying to get me to come back to their house. 0.93

01:15:56.000 For an orgy? 0.91

01:15:57.000 What it seemed like. 0.98

01:15:59.000 She wanted you, well, it's probably what they feel like Hollywood's about. 0.96

01:16:02.000 Right. 1.00

01:16:02.000 And he's like, if I am going to make it here, you have to give up the pussy. 1.00

01:16:07.000 Listen, we need orgies all the time. 1.00

01:16:09.000 Norway?

01:16:10.000 It's the only way to make it as a comedian.

01:16:11.000 It's so weird.

01:16:12.000 Yeah, that's a pretty odd story there, fella.

01:16:15.000 And then she's showing me these photos in her phone.

01:16:17.000 She's like, look at the parties we have!

01:16:19.000 And it's just her and this other girl in the bikinis. 0.99

01:16:22.000 Oh, wait a minute.

01:16:23.000 She's a comedian? 1.00

01:16:24.000 No, no, no.

01:16:24.000 She's the wife.

01:16:25.000 Oh, the wife.

01:16:26.000 Okay.

01:16:26.000 And she's just going around the whole place Bragging about her husband, how much millions of dollars he makes.

01:16:30.000 She was very cute, but this guy looked like a baron.

01:16:34.000 He's a bigger guy with a suit that's like four sizes too small.

01:16:37.000 They were probably bull CIA. You guys are getting slowly worked.

01:16:41.000 They're slowly going to make it into the organization.

01:16:43.000 They were looking into this whole death squad thing.

01:16:46.000 They're like, what is death squad?

01:16:48.000 Do we have to worry about them?

01:16:51.000 That's what it is.

01:16:51.000 So you're the guy that they wanted to take up there and show the...

01:16:55.000 Yeah, she was... 1.00

01:16:55.000 They were gonna drug you and hit you with some fucking... 1.00

01:16:58.000 some hypnosis. 1.00

01:17:00.000 Europeans just... 0.99

01:17:01.000 they just don't have like normal sex. 0.99

01:17:03.000 He's gonna be some Manchurian candidate type dude.

01:17:06.000 That's what's gonna happen.

01:17:07.000 CIA dude's gonna drop a nano pill in his drink. 1.00

01:17:10.000 That silly bitch, he'll be hammered. 1.00

01:17:12.000 He'll drink anything he'd send his way. 1.00

01:17:13.000 You know what's also weird is that lady that drives around in that pink Corvette. 1.00

01:17:17.000 I saw her yesterday.

01:17:19.000 This was my point.

01:17:20.000 Not yesterday, excuse me.

01:17:21.000 Last week.

01:17:22.000 This was my point, that I see her maybe once a week, and it's always random places.

01:17:26.000 Like, I'll see her in Hollywood once, and I see her a lot around here.

01:17:31.000 Explain, tell people what she is.

01:17:32.000 She used to be like a rich wife, I guess, that would post photos or these billboards all over, just kind of promoting her. 1.00

01:17:41.000 And I don't think she really had...

01:17:43.000 Well, that's one way of describing it.

01:17:44.000 Yeah, I don't think she really had anything going.

01:17:45.000 She just had a lot of money to play with. 0.95

01:17:47.000 And so she pretty much made her seem like she was a big deal when she really wasn't.

01:17:52.000 She was just a rich wife. 1.00

01:17:53.000 Yeah, well, the billboards were these giant billboards that say Angeline on them in big letters.

01:17:57.000 Like, whoa, it's Angeline. 0.99

01:17:58.000 And she's this really pale lady with giant tits. 1.00

01:18:02.000 And she looks a little odd. 0.98

01:18:04.000 She looks really photoshopped, really brightly lit.

01:18:10.000 It's really hard to discern key features.

01:18:13.000 Because apparently she's very old.

01:18:15.000 And when I came to LA in 94, she had big billboards all around town, like several of them, that said Angeline.

01:18:22.000 It was just her and then her management's number.

01:18:24.000 It was her in her underwear.

01:18:26.000 And it was really hot, actually.

01:18:27.000 Yeah, it was kind of crazy.

01:18:28.000 Because, you know, she had a really nice body, I guess. 0.99

01:18:32.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:18:34.000 That's like, what's her face?

01:18:37.000 Dolly Parton.

01:18:38.000 Yeah, but by the time she was doing this, I mean, who knows how old she was in that picture, but the one that you see today bears no resemblance.

01:18:48.000 Yeah, I had no idea who she was, and we were shooting something at Hollywood and Highland one night in that crazy, like, area.

01:18:57.000 And all of a sudden she pulls up and people were like, oh my god, there's Angeline!

01:19:01.000 And it took, I had no idea who this was and it took like four people 20 minutes to be able to explain to me what the big thing with her.

01:19:11.000 But in LA she's like an icon.

01:19:15.000 She's probably 60 years old at least. 0.99

01:19:17.000 She still dresses like she's like 17. I've seen her several times.

01:19:20.000 I wonder what she wanted.

01:19:21.000 If she wanted to be an actress or like what?

01:19:23.000 I don't know.

01:19:24.000 That's a good question.

01:19:25.000 Interesting marketing campaign.

01:19:27.000 But what's really weird is how much I see her.

01:19:29.000 And that's like one of the only cars where you're like, oh, that's her.

01:19:33.000 That's her. 0.88

01:19:34.000 That's her. 0.88

01:19:35.000 Like how many times you actually drive by people you probably know and drive around the same cars.

01:19:40.000 It's just so weird how small Los Angeles actually is to that point.

01:19:44.000 Well, in that sense.

01:19:45.000 And, you know, it's also like the spots that she hits or the spots you're at.

01:19:48.000 Like, I just saw her at a coffee bean. 0.98

01:19:50.000 Yeah, that's what she looks like now.

01:19:52.000 Yeah.

01:19:55.000 Oh, man.

01:19:57.000 I'm sure she's a nice lady. 1.00

01:19:58.000 I'll do it.

01:20:00.000 No hate.

01:20:01.000 You wouldn't do that if no one knew?

01:20:03.000 I mean, look, man.

01:20:04.000 Nothing wrong with being that, you know?

01:20:07.000 That's who she is.

01:20:08.000 She's fabulous.

01:20:09.000 Let her go get it. 1.00

01:20:10.000 Fuck this little kitty right here. 1.00

01:20:12.000 Oh, look at that arm. 1.00

01:20:13.000 Brian, put that away.

01:20:14.000 What is that? 1.00

01:20:15.000 Put that whole thing away, you fuck. 1.00

01:20:19.000 She's your grandmother, man. 1.00

01:20:20.000 Show some respect.

01:20:22.000 I don't know if she's a mother or a grandmother, but, you know, that whole wanting to be famous thing.

01:20:28.000 Strange thing.

01:20:29.000 She was like one of the original reality stars. 0.88

01:20:31.000 She created her own reality show by just putting up billboards. 0.99

01:20:35.000 Her reality show became her life, you know?

01:20:37.000 No one was filming it, but her life was a reality show, you know?

01:20:41.000 I knew who she was.

01:20:42.000 I knew who she was a couple years after living here.

01:20:44.000 So I've known who she was since 96-ish?

01:20:47.000 97-ish?

01:20:49.000 Wow. 0.80

01:20:51.000 I remember when she pulled up she had her face covered with like some kind of like one of those Asian fans yeah and she she was mysterious yeah whoa yeah that's a that's a strange strange world we live in my friends man if I was a porn star hot chick porn star I would buy a pink Corvette and be her new competition oh that would be so rude you could call yourself Angelone yeah Or Angelina. 0.99

01:21:18.000 That's a good idea, though, because that's how she got her attention, to sing that, you know, Pink Corvette. 0.99

01:21:23.000 The new Angelina.

01:21:24.000 Maybe you could have, like, your whole thing was about, like, how you get a rich husband who allows you to freelance in your porn career.

01:21:33.000 And that would be the whole thing.

01:21:35.000 The husband has no idea what's going on.

01:21:37.000 He comes home, what is happening in here?

01:21:39.000 Who are these guys?

01:21:42.000 And you gotta explain why they were tag-teaming you.

01:21:45.000 You gotta say, you know, it was all so I could get better with you, honey.

01:21:51.000 I just, they're not tag-teaming me.

01:21:54.000 They're teaching me.

01:21:56.000 This is, it's very controversial.

01:21:58.000 I should abandon this right now.

01:22:01.000 It's not going anywhere.

01:22:04.000 Have you ever been with a girl that you're just completely haunted about? 0.95

01:22:07.000 Like, that you think about, like, even after it happened, you were just like, why the fuck did I do that? 0.98

01:22:11.000 That's part of being drunk, son. 0.99

01:22:14.000 That's the whole part of being drunk.

01:22:15.000 That's the beauty of life.

01:22:16.000 If you didn't have those stories, then you wouldn't have those awkward moments. 0.95

01:22:20.000 And if you didn't have those awkward moments, you wouldn't have some really hilarious shit to talk about when everyone else is drunk as well and they can understand what you're saying. 0.95

01:22:28.000 That's why drunks have the best stories. 0.95

01:22:31.000 The being drunk, drunk stories, when they can just really cut loose and be free and not worried about it.

01:22:36.000 I had friends from back in the Boston days that have the best stories when they're drunk. 0.99

01:22:40.000 And then somewhere along the line, those fucks become Alcoholics Anonymous people. 0.99

01:22:44.000 And all the stories stop. 1.00

01:22:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:47.000 I feel like I'm going to have to start getting into Alcoholics Anonymous soon, just being at the comedy store, going to a comedy club so much, you just have to fucking drink. 0.56

01:22:54.000 Me and Tony battle with this almost every single night, where we're like, have you got a drink yet? 0.77

01:22:59.000 Yeah.

01:23:00.000 Well, you know, I mean, it's just...

01:23:02.000 You know what's interesting about, you know, it's like either the night's going great and you want a drink to celebrate, or it's a fucking boring night and you want a drink to have more fun.

01:23:13.000 So it's like, there's never a time where I'm just like in the middle, like, you know what?

01:23:19.000 It just seems more fun.

01:23:21.000 If you do it every night that you have a show, though, man, it really can wear on you.

01:23:25.000 Well, you know, I'm very lucky because on my end of it, I'll sometimes only have a half a drink or one drink because I'm very little and I'm very reactive. 0.98

01:23:37.000 How many beers does it take to get you fucked up? 0.97

01:23:40.000 Two and a half, probably. 1.00

01:23:42.000 Two and a half beers and you're fucked up? 1.00

01:23:44.000 Three, I'm fucked up. 1.00

01:23:47.000 Isn't that great? 0.98

01:23:49.000 Yeah, three, and I just decided to tell a story that I wasn't sure if I was going to tell.

01:23:54.000 Right.

01:23:55.000 Yeah, I normally don't get to my third drink until pretty late.

01:23:58.000 That's funny.

01:23:58.000 Oh, really?

01:23:59.000 Yeah.

01:24:01.000 That's weird.

01:24:02.000 How much do you weigh?

01:24:05.000 Probably about 127, right around there.

01:24:08.000 And if you think about a beer, it's what, a pound?

01:24:13.000 Right?

01:24:14.000 Yeah, I guess so. 0.98

01:24:15.000 I'd say one bottle of Jack Daniels fucks me up.

01:24:18.000 Essentially, you get to like 1% of your body weight fairly quickly.

01:24:22.000 1% of your body weight in beer.

01:24:24.000 Oh, that's interesting.

01:24:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:24:29.000 Would you say what about Jack Daniels would fuck you up? 0.99

01:24:31.000 I've gotten to the point where I think one bottle of Jack Daniels would fuck me up. 1.00

01:24:34.000 Shut up, son. 1.00

01:24:35.000 You fucking start slurring when you open the cap. 1.00

01:24:37.000 Yeah, but slurring and being like blacked out. 0.99

01:24:41.000 And being alive.

01:24:42.000 Yeah, I'm talking about like blacking out.

01:24:43.000 I'm talking about like bleeding from the liver until I expire.

01:24:48.000 My poor liver. 1.00

01:24:51.000 Yeah, it's interesting that no one's figured out a way to create the effect of alcohol without the horrific effects to your fucking body. 0.99

01:24:59.000 Well, my way works. 0.99

01:25:01.000 You could just get down to 127 and just sip on a drink all night long.

01:25:05.000 Feel great.

01:25:06.000 Or black out every night because you keep forgetting you only weigh 126 pounds now.

01:25:10.000 Right.

01:25:12.000 Like, can you imagine a guy like Tate?

01:25:14.000 Well, he doesn't drink, but in his prime, this big guy, you know?

01:25:18.000 Big guys can put away more.

01:25:20.000 Like Joey. 1.00

01:25:21.000 Joey can put away some fucking booze, man. 1.00

01:25:23.000 I love when Joey... 1.00

01:25:24.000 Joey barely ever drinks, but when he does, he always gets the most fruitiest drinks.

01:25:29.000 It's so cute.

01:25:30.000 Like, he'll get like, I got an orange creamsicle!

01:25:32.000 It tastes good, man.

01:25:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:34.000 That's why, you know, people like pina coladas and shit. 1.00

01:25:37.000 You're getting fucked up. 0.99

01:25:38.000 Some folks only allow them that when they're on vacation. 1.00

01:25:41.000 But men? 1.00

01:25:43.000 Well, when men are drinking, they want manly shit. 1.00

01:25:46.000 They want something that just makes them go... 1.00

01:25:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:25:52.000 Right?

01:25:53.000 Totally.

01:25:54.000 You guys want a drink right now?

01:25:56.000 I have a long night of drinking. 1.00

01:25:57.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00

01:25:59.000 So you're saying you'd rather drink with them than drink with us? 1.00

01:26:01.000 No, I mean, what do you have?

01:26:03.000 How dare you?

01:26:04.000 Depends what you have, because I'm pretty hungover right now. 1.00

01:26:07.000 Well, I'm about to go watch a fucking UFO documentary, so I'm fixing to get fucked up. 0.99

01:26:11.000 I've only ate kinoa today. 0.99

01:26:12.000 I'm not really big on watching UFO documentaries while sober.

01:26:17.000 Something's gonna go wrong.

01:26:18.000 What is this?

01:26:19.000 Jam Van just showed me this.

01:26:21.000 There's a spray that gets you instantly drunk for a few seconds.

01:26:24.000 Wow.

01:26:25.000 That sounds awesome.

01:26:26.000 That seems super healthy.

01:26:27.000 You should give that to yourself right before you leave the house.

01:26:32.000 How long does it last?

01:26:35.000 It doesn't say, just five seconds. 1.00

01:26:37.000 Is it like some Whippets type shit? 0.99

01:26:39.000 I guess, no. 1.00

01:26:39.000 I don't know what it is. 1.00

01:26:41.000 One spray releases.0075 alcohol.

01:26:45.000 Oh.

01:26:48.000 Oh, it gets you drunk legally.

01:26:50.000 Oh, legally drunk.

01:26:51.000 Why would you show me that?

01:26:52.000 They got some sportscaster.

01:26:54.000 Some sportscaster got pulled over for...

01:26:57.000 Is it Al Michaels?

01:26:58.000 Yeah, he got pulled over and he was on the limit.

01:27:01.000 He was at the limit, 08 and 09. What happens there when you're at the limit?

01:27:07.000 Here's the thing.

01:27:08.000 Don't you first have to do the drunk test? 0.97

01:27:11.000 You walk around like a buffoon, and then if you fail that, then you have to do it? 0.93

01:27:15.000 He obviously, I guess, showed signs that he can't do balance on one foot. 0.98

01:27:20.000 Well, not necessarily.

01:27:21.000 They might have just asked him, and he said he would take the test because he only had one drink.

01:27:25.000 He's saying he only had one drink.

01:27:25.000 That's what he's saying.

01:27:27.000 I think.

01:27:28.000 Did I read that?

01:27:29.000 You know what?

01:27:29.000 No.

01:27:30.000 I'm sorry.

01:27:30.000 That's what...

01:27:31.000 That's what Reese Witherspoon's husband said.

01:27:34.000 I got the wrong drunk.

01:27:35.000 He said he only had one drunk.

01:27:36.000 But the Al Michaels guy, he tested On The Limit. 1.00

01:27:40.000 And he's a fucking man's man. 1.00

01:27:41.000 He's a fucking sportscaster. 1.00

01:27:43.000 You're telling me that guy doesn't know how to drive when he's a little tipsy? 1.00

01:27:46.000 He's an 08? 1.00

01:27:47.000 Let him go, you pussy. 1.00

01:27:49.000 Don't you appreciate a good game of hockey being called by the maestro? 1.00

01:27:53.000 Let him go.

01:27:54.000 It's not like you're letting go of a criminal.

01:27:57.000 08. That's a pro-drinker.

01:27:59.000 That's a pro-socializer.

01:28:00.000 That guy knows what he's doing.

01:28:03.000 08. Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:28:05.000 It's like, what a pussy society we have. 1.00

01:28:07.000 That's not drunk, okay? 0.99

01:28:08.000 If he's drunk, yeah, for sure. 1.00

01:28:10.000 Arrest him, asshole. 1.00

01:28:11.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:28:12.000 People driving around drunk are assholes. 1.00

01:28:14.000 But people driving around that are barely buzzed at 08, come on. 1.00

01:28:19.000 How do I know that your body functions as good as mine does when I'm drunk?

01:28:23.000 How about that?

01:28:24.000 Your reaction time?

01:28:25.000 How good is your... 0.99

01:28:26.000 How do I know you're not a dullard with a slow right foot? 0.97

01:28:31.000 You just can't get to that break in time.

01:28:34.000 You know, maybe Al Michaels could still, even at whatever he is, 70, still do a solid two-step, hits that break like a champ.

01:28:43.000 I'm not saying he should drive drunk.

01:28:45.000 I'm just saying, what's 08?

01:28:48.000 That's like a drink, right?

01:28:49.000 Yeah, pretty close.

01:28:51.000 Yeah.

01:28:52.000 I would like to see what an 08 guy looks like performing stuff.

01:28:56.000 I would like to see him go through that.

01:28:59.000 I'm sure he's always in 08 when he's calling the Super Bowl.

01:29:02.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:02.000 Right.

01:29:03.000 You know one that doesn't count though?

01:29:05.000 Here's another thing though.

01:29:06.000 It's the adrenaline that you get when you get pulled over.

01:29:08.000 I would imagine that would have some sort of a recuperative effect.

01:29:11.000 Like if you're driving a little shitty because you're kind of hammered and you get pulled over and it might jolt you into a position where you could possibly perform the test a little better than you could be.

01:29:22.000 But it's not going to make you less drunk, right?

01:29:24.000 So 08 is still an 08 if you blew it.

01:29:27.000 Yeah, I think it's just entirely too low to blanket that that's considered a DUI. Because, I mean, you know, if you go out to dinner and you have a drink, like a margarita, and the bartender, like, pours it stronger than normal,

01:29:43.000 Are you saying that just having one margarita with dinner, you should go to jail and get all these things on your license that you think you're going to run into, plow into a school of children?

01:29:53.000 I don't buy that.

01:29:54.000 I think that's...

01:29:56.000 I don't know.

01:29:56.000 I'm not a big...

01:29:57.000 I think it needs to change.

01:29:59.000 Well, I think that's a dosage issue.

01:30:00.000 What you're talking about is a dosage issue.

01:30:02.000 And that...

01:30:02.000 They really should get in trouble if they're doing that.

01:30:04.000 I mean, people don't want them to get in trouble.

01:30:07.000 Go, yeah, go to this place.

01:30:08.000 They got the stiffest drinks. 1.00

01:30:10.000 You really should let people know what the fuck you're serving them. 0.99

01:30:13.000 And if you're serving them some margarita that's got twice the alcohol in it and you're trying to get customers that way, You could fuck somebody up if they know exactly how they usually rock it. 1.00

01:30:22.000 They have this thing, I'm good for one margarita, and then I back the fuck off, and then I get home and I'm fine. 0.98

01:30:27.000 And then all of a sudden the guy's hammered, driving home, he doesn't know what happened. 0.87

01:30:30.000 It's because you essentially doubled his dose.

01:30:33.000 Yeah.

01:30:34.000 I'm just saying it's way too low, I think.

01:30:36.000 Yeah, but not if it's...

01:30:37.000 Don't you?

01:30:37.000 I see your point.

01:30:39.000 Definitely.

01:30:40.000 But I'm not convinced.

01:30:41.000 I don't have any data. 0.99

01:30:43.000 I want to see a guy who's at an 08 go through all that shit. 0.78

01:30:46.000 Is it based on what percentage you are at your fines, too? 0.97

01:30:49.000 I don't know.

01:30:49.000 You know, I want to do it.

01:30:50.000 I want to...

01:30:51.000 Want to get your eyes together?

01:30:52.000 No.

01:30:53.000 No, I don't want to drive drunk.

01:30:54.000 That's one thing I've been really careful about my entire life.

01:30:57.000 I think it's really important to... 0.96

01:31:01.000 To be safe when you're operating a vehicle, I mean, the idea that you would operate a vehicle with your body all fucking half there, that's so scary to me. 0.56

01:31:10.000 It's so scary to be the driver.

01:31:12.000 It's so scary thinking there's so many people out there that are doing it. 1.00

01:31:14.000 It's so selfish and stupid. 1.00

01:31:17.000 But I think that... 0.99

01:31:20.000 I would like to find out what it feels like to be at an 08 and do any of those tests.

01:31:27.000 I want to know, what is it like if they say, I'm not going to drive, but get me to the limit, give me a breathalyzer, say, okay, you're at 08 now.

01:31:35.000 Whether it's three drinks or two drinks, and now make me do your stuff.

01:31:39.000 I want to know what it feels like.

01:31:41.000 You can buy a breathalyzer on Amazon.

01:31:42.000 We should do it.

01:31:43.000 But I don't want to do it because I definitely don't want to drive.

01:31:46.000 But I would like to drive on a course.

01:31:48.000 I would like to go on a course and see, like, get me to 09 and let me see what I can do.

01:31:53.000 I think you're going to be surprised how exactly normal you're going to be feeling.

01:31:57.000 I wonder.

01:31:58.000 Well, I wonder because I've been drunk and as of you...

01:32:01.000 I wonder.

01:32:02.000 I wonder what it's like to do that.

01:32:06.000 But then again, telling people that 08 or 09 is the limit means that's probably where most people who are not in the best shape or don't have the best talents for alcohol, where they start to falter.

01:32:19.000 So if you're making a public policy, that's probably a good idea to do it on the conservative side.

01:32:26.000 Anthony Cumia had a funny thing.

01:32:28.000 He was talking about it should really be based on your tolerance.

01:32:30.000 You should have a license that indicates your tolerance. 0.99

01:32:33.000 But that shit changes too, because dudes start falling apart. 0.98

01:32:37.000 Yeah, you have to just take a license test or a tolerance test once a year. 0.99

01:32:41.000 It's so incredibly irresponsible to tell people they can drink more.

01:32:45.000 To tell people that the legal limit as is, eh, you can drink a little more.

01:32:50.000 Yahoo! 1.00

01:32:52.000 This fucking green light, son! 1.00

01:32:55.000 You ain't got tolerance like me, boy. 1.00

01:32:57.000 I got tolerance.

01:32:59.000 Like, I mean, think about, like, my friend Justin.

01:33:01.000 Here's a perfect example.

01:33:02.000 You know my friend Justin, the seven-foot-tall dude?

01:33:05.000 My friend Justin's, like, a legitimate giant.

01:33:07.000 He's enormous.

01:33:08.000 And if you go drink for drink with him, you're gonna die.

01:33:11.000 You're not the same species as him. 1.00

01:33:11.000 You're gonna die. 1.00

01:33:13.000 He's a completely different human being. 0.85

01:33:15.000 It's like a dog next to a cat.

01:33:17.000 It's not the same size.

01:33:17.000 I'm pretty sure it's Andre the Giant, actually, who has the drinking record.

01:33:22.000 I'm serious.

01:33:23.000 I think he has the...

01:33:24.000 There's a drinking record?

01:33:26.000 I think it's a crazy amount of cans of beers.

01:33:29.000 Wow.

01:33:30.000 Wow.

01:33:31.000 But he was, you know, he was like, what, seven foot something?

01:33:34.000 He was enormous.

01:33:35.000 Yeah.

01:33:36.000 There's been a few giants since then that got into mixed martial arts.

01:33:40.000 There's this guy, Giant Silva.

01:33:42.000 He was like a legit giant.

01:33:44.000 And he fought in Pride.

01:33:47.000 And then there's Antonio Bigfoot Silva.

01:33:50.000 And that guy, I think...

01:33:52.000 I think I'm saying Giant Silver.

01:33:54.000 I think that's his name.

01:33:55.000 If not, I apologize. 0.57

01:33:56.000 He's a big giant guy with crazy shaggy hair.

01:33:58.000 And then there's another guy, Semi Schilt.

01:34:00.000 He's like seven feet tall.

01:34:01.000 I think he's just a huge guy.

01:34:02.000 I don't think he has gigantism.

01:34:04.000 I think he's just an enormous regular human.

01:34:07.000 But you would just imagine a guy like Conjure the Giant.

01:34:12.000 Those little tiny...

01:34:13.000 You ever see a picture of a little tiny beer can in his hand?

01:34:15.000 Yeah.

01:34:16.000 It's crazy.

01:34:17.000 He would hold a beer can in his hand.

01:34:17.000 It's a trip.

01:34:18.000 It was like you holding one of those little kids apple juices, you know, those ones that come in lunch boxes.

01:34:23.000 Well, it's just that they estimated that he drank over 7,000 calories every day in booze alone.

01:34:31.000 I wouldn't be shocked.

01:34:32.000 Do they have the stat there, the number?

01:34:34.000 I know it's like a decisive thing. 0.85

01:34:36.000 Well, I'm going to see the picture of his hand because it's so silly.

01:34:40.000 You know, Rowdy Rowdy Piper started coming by the Comedy Store a couple years ago, and once in a while he'll swing in and he's friends with a few of us there.

01:34:47.000 And man, he's so great at hanging out and telling stories.

01:34:51.000 And one of the stories that he told us was about Andre the Giant, because everybody always goes, you know, because they did the road together for a decade or whatever.

01:34:59.000 And he talks about how one time they were at a bar, and there were these college kids. 0.99

01:35:06.000 They're like, hey, you know, fuck you, Andre the Giant. 0.99

01:35:11.000 But they're drinking beers, and that one time a kid drinks a beer, throws the empty can at the back of Andre the Giant's head, and he goes, don't do that again. 1.00

01:35:19.000 And then later on, he takes an empty can and he throws it at the back of Andre the Giant's head.

01:35:24.000 Look at that picture.

01:35:25.000 Oh my god.

01:35:27.000 And they all run outside, running away from Andre the Giant, who got up and is now chasing them.

01:35:32.000 And they all got in their car all at once, but Andre caught up to the car before it drove away, and he just flipped.

01:35:39.000 He picked up the car.

01:35:40.000 Where did you hear this story?

01:35:41.000 Rowdy Roddy Piper.

01:35:42.000 Really?

01:35:43.000 Yeah.

01:35:43.000 It's got to be a true story, too.

01:35:45.000 Even if it's not, let's let him tell it.

01:35:48.000 Isn't that picture hilarious though, him holding a beer can?

01:35:50.000 I mean, it's like a little bait.

01:35:52.000 It's like, you ever see like a little kid's refrigerator set and they have a fake refrigerator?

01:35:56.000 That's what it looks like.

01:35:57.000 Yeah, 119 beers in six hours.

01:35:59.000 God, that's what he drank?

01:36:01.000 That's what he drank?

01:36:03.000 How big was that guy?

01:36:05.000 What was his height and weight?

01:36:09.000 7'1".

01:36:13.000 And he wasn't just tall.

01:36:14.000 He was enormous.

01:36:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:17.000 Somewhere between 6'11 and 7'5 and over 500 pounds. 1.00

01:36:17.000 Goddamn. 1.00

01:36:21.000 Between 6'11 and 7'5 and over 500 pounds. 0.98

01:36:24.000 And then I also saw something...

01:36:26.000 That's a very... 0.98

01:36:27.000 How the fuck can they measure him right? 0.99

01:36:28.000 You know what the problem with that is? 0.99

01:36:30.000 Wrestling.

01:36:30.000 They lie.

01:36:31.000 You know?

01:36:32.000 6'11, 3,000 pounds of twisted steel.

01:36:37.000 They lie just to make guys look bigger.

01:36:40.000 But that guy was, like, legitimately enormous.

01:36:43.000 Like, in a real wrestling match, he would beat everybody.

01:36:45.000 I also heard a thing that that big body slam that was, like, from the big WrestleMania 2 where Hulk Hogan body slams the ultimate bad guy, Andre the Giant.

01:36:54.000 Right.

01:36:54.000 And it's like you could tell Andre the Giant jumps into it with all of his might and Hogan's just trying to...

01:37:00.000 Yeah.

01:37:01.000 All he needs to do is go like that.

01:37:03.000 It's amazing that he could even hold him up, though.

01:37:04.000 And he said that when he did that, he could feel every disc in his back just go...

01:37:10.000 Hulk Hogan?

01:37:11.000 Yeah, and then he laid down Andre the Giant.

01:37:13.000 He was just so glad that that was the end of the match because...

01:37:17.000 He ruined his back there.

01:37:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:37:19.000 His back is fucked up now, right? 0.99

01:37:22.000 He's had surgery. 0.99

01:37:23.000 All these guys are unbelievable warriors because they were doing it every night in sold-out arenas.

01:37:29.000 People don't realize that.

01:37:30.000 They had to put on a show.

01:37:30.000 Right.

01:37:32.000 They were going nonstop.

01:37:33.000 Even Piper, just six or seven months ago, he was by the store.

01:37:37.000 He would come in once in a while every few days for just then.

01:37:42.000 Anyway, he kept going, oh, my shoulder's sore.

01:37:45.000 My shoulder's sore.

01:37:46.000 I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday.

01:37:48.000 I still worked out for four hours today, but my shoulder's sore.

01:37:51.000 He ended up finding out that he had technically broken his neck.

01:37:55.000 He had a broken neck, and the doctor's like, it's not your shoulder, it's your neck, and it's broken.

01:38:00.000 So it was like probably pinching a nerve, and the nerve was hurting his shoulder.

01:38:04.000 These guys are so tough in real life that, to him, oh, a sore shoulder. 0.98

01:38:11.000 Yeah, do people give a fuck about wrestling anymore? 0.98

01:38:14.000 Oh yeah. 0.98

01:38:14.000 They still do, right? 0.98

01:38:15.000 It's still very popular.

01:38:16.000 Unbelievable.

01:38:17.000 I keep seeing like CM Punk and all these people and all these pictures and videos.

01:38:21.000 What's crazy is that, you know, most people don't know this, but like Monday Night Raw, for example, which is the premiere weekly show.

01:38:28.000 Someone's a wrestling fan.

01:38:30.000 Yeah.

01:38:30.000 But it's been number one on Monday.

01:38:30.000 Yeah.

01:38:32.000 It's held Monday nights forever. 0.99

01:38:34.000 How the fuck do you know this? 1.00

01:38:35.000 And why the fuck do you know this? 1.00

01:38:36.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

01:38:37.000 What's going on here, Tony?

01:38:38.000 When I was a kid, I was into wrestling.

01:38:40.000 So was I. And then I grew up and I got pubic hair.

01:38:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:43.000 Oh shit. 1.00

01:38:44.000 Can't believe you went there. 1.00

01:38:45.000 Me too, and I still like wrestling a little bit.

01:38:47.000 He still has pubic hair, dude. 1.00

01:38:48.000 Stop being an asshole. 1.00

01:38:49.000 I haven't watched wrestling. 1.00

01:38:51.000 What you're doing is cyberbullying right now.

01:38:53.000 No, I've been giving them a hard time because they all had a wrestling party.

01:38:58.000 Our buddy got WrestleMania, and he has a giant screen.

01:39:02.000 And it's funny, too.

01:39:03.000 Did you guys take your clothes off?

01:39:05.000 Yes.

01:39:06.000 Did you reenact the moves with lube in your mouth?

01:39:10.000 Hey, what do you think about this CISPA thing, the bill that passed the House? 1.00

01:39:14.000 It's fucked up. 0.99

01:39:15.000 It's crazy. 1.00

01:39:16.000 Very scary.

01:39:16.000 If you guys don't know about it, the House of Representatives passed CISPA, which is the Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act, by a 288 to 127 vote And it's – the idea is supposedly that it's meant to enhance national security by facilitating the sharing of electronic information between like this – I'll quote it – between say a private company and the government.

01:39:42.000 This is a story from Mediate.com.

01:39:47.000 And the way they describe it is that if the government – like, say, if a private company and the government deem threatening the bill's opponents maintain, it will make sharing of personal private information far too easy.

01:40:02.000 So this – I guess the idea is – what is the main – The main idea behind this bill is that they're going to be able to see every website you've ever visited.

01:40:14.000 Every website will be able to share the information of different people that have gone to them.

01:40:19.000 Is that what it is?

01:40:21.000 You know, I have no idea what the exact specific thing is, but yeah, it seems like that's what everyone's talking about.

01:40:28.000 But can it be vetoed by Obama?

01:40:33.000 I don't know because he didn't veto the NDAA. I mean Obama is a hilarious kind of situation because he's super intelligent.

01:40:44.000 He's half black.

01:40:45.000 He's, you know, from a single-parent household, but he still, like, votes just like the Republicans do.

01:40:53.000 And he still does stuff that the Republicans did.

01:40:56.000 Like, it's really strange. 0.99

01:40:57.000 It's like, if he was a white guy, people would be fucking furious. 0.90

01:41:02.000 If he was a white guy of privileged background and he made the choices that he's made as far as, like, bailing out the banks, as far as passing the NDAA, not vetoing it, All these different things that have happened, the drones, all these different things that have happened while he was in office, 0.99

01:41:17.000 if he was a white guy of privilege, he would be getting crucified.

01:41:20.000 It's fascinating. 0.99

01:41:22.000 It's almost like the perfect plan.

01:41:24.000 Like if you were a military strategist and you were trying to take over the company, you would do it with a...

01:41:30.000 A situation like that.

01:41:31.000 You wouldn't just go get some super elite rich guy.

01:41:33.000 You would get some guy who you would associate automatically with progressive, liberal sensibilities. 0.99

01:41:42.000 And then you'd do all that creepy shit right under everybody's nose. 0.97

01:41:45.000 It's really interesting. 0.99

01:41:46.000 His big slogan was change.

01:41:49.000 And looking back on it now, it's like...

01:41:51.000 Well, he changed a little.

01:41:53.000 The drone attacks went from 50 up to like 300...

01:41:57.000 It's changed a lot in Pakistan. 1.00

01:42:00.000 It's not funny, but fuck, man. 1.00

01:42:03.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:42:04.000 It just seems like if he really could change things, if he really could influence this society, how's the time to do something?

01:42:15.000 Instead of just these speeches, sort of reactionary speeches dealing with each and every issue, whether it's Sandy Hook or whether it's this Boston thing, like...

01:42:26.000 I wonder what, if anything, could be done to sort of enact a change in a culture, a plea for a change in a culture.

01:42:42.000 And if anybody could do that, it's got to be the president.

01:42:45.000 And the president addresses, he does these national speeches where he addresses policies, and he addresses National affairs as far as security affairs and threats and various things along those lines. 0.94

01:43:01.000 But what this country really fucking needs, they need a different... 0.81

01:43:08.000 Not a different person, but a different mantra. 0.96

01:43:12.000 We need a new way of looking at things.

01:43:15.000 We need a speech.

01:43:16.000 We need something that gets people believing.

01:43:20.000 We need an I have a dream.

01:43:21.000 That I have a dream... 0.99

01:43:24.000 Martin Luther King's speech, to this day that shit resonates. 0.99

01:43:28.000 No one's doing the I have a dream today. 0.99

01:43:31.000 Everyone's doing the we're all gonna get along and change and hope and, you know, and make it more affordable and healthcare for everyone and gay marriage, yay!

01:43:44.000 No one has a speech about uniting humanity and getting us to understand that our lives really are truly only better when people around us lives are better as well.

01:43:56.000 And that united, there's enough resources for everybody.

01:44:00.000 There's enough love for everybody.

01:44:01.000 There's enough health for everybody.

01:44:03.000 There really is.

01:44:04.000 It's just the current system and the current ideology that we have is not based on the reality that we're an expiring life form.

01:44:12.000 And that we have a temporary time here on this planet.

01:44:14.000 And to waste it not being aware of the full reality of the situation is a shame.

01:44:22.000 And a guy like Obama has the opportunity to do that.

01:44:26.000 But he doesn't ever say anything like that.

01:44:29.000 He never says anything that really inspires people to look at it in a completely different way. 0.99

01:44:34.000 He never says anything like, I think you have to if you're in a position to be the fucking president of the United States. 0.97

01:44:44.000 That's a position very few human beings ever get to reach. 0.96

01:44:48.000 I mean, maybe he will when he's leaving.

01:44:50.000 Maybe he will once he leaves.

01:44:52.000 Maybe you can't when you're there.

01:44:53.000 I mean, who knows?

01:44:55.000 I mean, maybe it really is an incredibly restrictive environment and he has no room to free ball and no room to go outside of what they want him to distribute his policy. 0.68

01:45:06.000 I mean, I don't know what the fuck the situation's like, but if this world ever needed someone to speak up... 0.85

01:45:06.000 I don't know. 0.85

01:45:12.000 And someone to just make some fucking sense. 0.97

01:45:15.000 Someone to make some sense and not talk politics. 0.99

01:45:19.000 You know, not talk religion.

01:45:21.000 Just talk humanity.

01:45:22.000 Not talk nationalistic.

01:45:24.000 Not talk conflict.

01:45:27.000 Just make some sense.

01:45:29.000 Well, I guess this is the, you know, this same bill was vetoed last year by the White House.

01:45:36.000 And it looks like You know, it's just one of those things that's just poorly written and everyone knows it type thing.

01:45:43.000 So was the NDAA, unfortunately.

01:45:45.000 And it passed really hard through Congress, though.

01:45:47.000 That's the thing, is it didn't pass as hard in Congress the first time.

01:45:51.000 Well, I think that a lot of...

01:45:53.000 I read something about it this morning.

01:45:54.000 A lot of the way the government's set up – and I'm obviously not an expert on government – but I know that a lot of the way it's set up is that we have representatives and we can't all be there while policy is being dictated.

01:46:07.000 So our representatives go there and they make sure that everything represents their constituents.

01:46:12.000 But clearly, a better way to do all that is the internet.

01:46:15.000 If anybody needed to be phased out, it's the majority of politicians that are involved in making laws.

01:46:23.000 Those guys can get all new jobs. 0.80

01:46:26.000 Have you seen House of Cards?

01:46:28.000 I heard it's awesome.

01:46:28.000 No, I haven't.

01:46:29.000 This show shows you what's actually happening in Washington.

01:46:33.000 In a real TV show that somebody made up?

01:46:36.000 Oh, it's unbelievable.

01:46:37.000 It shows you.

01:46:39.000 You realize what they're dealing with, what they're actually doing.

01:46:43.000 And it's all just...

01:46:44.000 Is it awesome?

01:46:46.000 The show's unbelievable.

01:46:46.000 It's all just deals.

01:46:47.000 I mean, Kevin Spacey... 1.00

01:46:48.000 I heard he's a bad motherfucker. 0.99

01:46:50.000 He breaks the third wall or whatever and just starts looking at the camera telling you what he's thinking in the middle of the scenes. 1.00

01:46:54.000 It's pretty sweet.

01:46:56.000 Does everyone else freeze in the background?

01:46:56.000 Really?

01:46:58.000 Or freeze like they're playing a game?

01:47:00.000 Sort of, pretty much.

01:47:01.000 They're still, you know, they blur out.

01:47:03.000 But then it's just him just, you know, he'll be across a meeting table from somebody like, here's what I'm about to do.

01:47:09.000 And they don't know it, but here's how I'm going to do it.

01:47:11.000 Watch this.

01:47:12.000 Oh, wow.

01:47:13.000 And it's amazing.

01:47:14.000 It's really just politicking.

01:47:16.000 You learn a lot about, you know, even show business and networking overall from how these politicians operate because that's all that they're doing is playing gossip games and texting.

01:47:24.000 It's a broken system and they're all criminals keeping us from the internet.

01:47:28.000 That's what it is. 0.99

01:47:29.000 They're trying to tighten down on this fucking system and what they don't want to do is admit that this could all be handled way better with voting online. 0.99

01:47:37.000 Let's do it that way. 0.99

01:47:38.000 Every person has an ID. Every ID is just like your fucking social security nut card. 1.00

01:47:42.000 You can only do it once. 1.00

01:47:43.000 Boom.

01:47:44.000 And you vote online.

01:47:45.000 Yep.

01:47:46.000 And when that happens, that's when things will get good. 1.00

01:47:49.000 You can't control that, bitch. 1.00

01:47:50.000 You can't control that. 1.00

01:47:52.000 They'll never allow something like that.

01:47:54.000 They will fight it to death.

01:47:55.000 That literally might be where the revolution lies, is getting people to vote online.

01:47:59.000 Because they would essentially be giving up all of their tricks that they've been using over the past decades to manipulate how our people are picked, how our president's picked, how laws are passed. 0.97

01:48:11.000 All that shit has been manipulated. 0.91

01:48:12.000 Everything should be done to popular vote now. 0.99

01:48:14.000 Yeah, isn't that a fascinating idea that they would so try hard, they would try so fucking hard to avoid. 0.75

01:48:21.000 Yeah, that would be like a real tipping point in this country when we really realize we're being run by vampires. 0.93

01:48:26.000 Oh yeah. 0.98

01:48:27.000 Like how quickly they would fucking shriek into the dark corners of the room when you open the drapes and take a good look at the real scenario. 0.97

01:48:34.000 They're not trying to like give the people what they want. 0.98

01:48:36.000 They're trying to profit off the current system.

01:48:38.000 The current corrupt system as in place. 0.99

01:48:40.000 God damn it, Tony, you need to Right. 0.99

01:48:42.000 You're a clean young man. 0.99

01:48:43.000 You can run for president.

01:48:46.000 You're very likable.

01:48:47.000 I could probably pull it off.

01:48:49.000 There was a period of time when I was a kid and I wanted to, but...

01:48:49.000 You think you could?

01:48:52.000 You wanted to be president at one point in time?

01:48:53.000 For a little moment.

01:48:54.000 Did you fall on your head or something?

01:48:56.000 What made you want to be president?

01:48:58.000 Did you get sick?

01:48:59.000 Were you delirious?

01:49:00.000 No, I thought it was just...

01:49:01.000 I was very, very young.

01:49:02.000 I thought it was glamorous.

01:49:03.000 Did you have the fever?

01:49:05.000 Yeah, the president's fever.

01:49:06.000 He had the president's fever.

01:49:08.000 You know, when we all go through that.

01:49:09.000 Oh, it's gone.

01:49:10.000 16 years ago.

01:49:11.000 Lying in your bed, dying.

01:49:13.000 Yeah, I got obsessed with...

01:49:14.000 There was a period where, as a kid, I was obsessed with the Declaration of Independence and how it came to be.

01:49:20.000 I remember reading a whole book about John Hancock.

01:49:23.000 Then I started practicing my signature all the time because I was obsessed with John Hancock.

01:49:27.000 I thought that was so cool that this guy had the balls to be like, here you go, here I am, and I did this.

01:49:33.000 Who would be the first person to be president that doesn't have the fake president voice? 0.85

01:49:37.000 Who would be the first person that just talks to everybody?

01:49:40.000 The person who changes the world.

01:49:41.000 Who doesn't have a way of speaking with long, fake pauses.

01:49:47.000 What I believe, what I believe for you, and for me, and for our great nation, is that we must unite.

01:49:56.000 Imagine if that guy...

01:49:57.000 It is.

01:49:57.000 It's so bizarre.

01:49:58.000 ...if that fucking guy was over your house. 1.00

01:50:00.000 Be like, bitch, why are you talking like that? 1.00

01:50:03.000 Why are you talking in this fake, stupid voice? 1.00

01:50:05.000 But you get away with that when it's a big group of people and you're a politician. 1.00

01:50:08.000 We know that you're talking in the fakest, most old-school way possible. 0.99

01:50:12.000 You might as well be in the theater, you dummy. 1.00

01:50:15.000 You might as well be in the theater back when they didn't have microphones, when they used to have to shout out their stupid lines. 1.00

01:50:20.000 Can you imagine a strip club DJ being the president? 1.00

01:50:22.000 Imagine a strip club DJ with no microphones.

01:50:26.000 Coming up to the main stage, it's Diamond!

01:50:31.000 And then a bunch of banjo players behind have the music because you don't have electricity.

01:50:37.000 Today our country had a bomb threat.

01:50:41.000 I got more information or more evidence to the poor people that think that I'm in league with the devil.

01:50:47.000 I wore this t-shirt on Fox.

01:50:50.000 It was the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.

01:50:54.000 When I ordered the DVD, they found out we talked about it on the podcast.

01:50:58.000 So the people that make it, they sent me these cool t-shirts.

01:51:01.000 And one of them was that famous picture of Nixon meeting Elvis with his shaking hands.

01:51:06.000 But they replaced Elvis' head with Jessica White and Nixon with the devil himself. 0.51

01:51:11.000 And it says, like, the devil in cell, Jesco. 1.00

01:51:13.000 And I wore it on Fox, and I got like a hundred tweets going, what the fuck are you wearing on TV? I didn't even think about it. 0.99

01:51:21.000 But for a good portion of this knucklehead country, if you have a shirt on that has a devil's face and it says the devil, like, these dummies actually think that you, like, you're down with the devil. 0.93

01:51:34.000 Like, the devil. 0.85

01:51:37.000 That's where we draw the line in this kooky country.

01:51:39.000 Even, you know, even religious people.

01:51:42.000 Like, you can say that you believe in God.

01:51:45.000 You're allowed to say that...

01:51:47.000 You're even allowed to say that God talked to me.

01:51:48.000 You know, I saw a guy say that the other day.

01:51:50.000 It didn't even bother me.

01:51:51.000 There was a guy that was in Austin, Texas.

01:51:53.000 There was a guy that was at a red light, and he was begging.

01:51:55.000 He had a, you know, cardboard thing out.

01:51:57.000 And the guy in the car rolled down the window and said, Hey, man, God just talked to me and told me I should give you this.

01:52:02.000 And he gave the guy 20 bucks.

01:52:05.000 That doesn't bother me.

01:52:06.000 But if the guy rolled down that window and said, hey man, I was just speaking to Satan, and he thought you could use this to party with.

01:52:14.000 You're not talking to Satan. 1.00

01:52:15.000 Anybody who believes in Satan is an asshole. 1.00

01:52:17.000 Like, you're allowed to believe in God, but if you say you believe in Satan, everybody tells you to go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:52:22.000 You have to be, like, way deep in cuckoo for Cocoa Pops to actually believe in Satan. 1.00

01:52:28.000 To believe in the bad guy, I mean.

01:52:31.000 Yeah.

01:52:32.000 Have you ever met someone who actually believed in Satan and you didn't know that they believed in Satan until you got to know them? 1.00

01:52:37.000 And then you're like, ah, shit. 0.98

01:52:39.000 I feel like I've met a couple people that really wanted to be different and like couldn't pull it off though. 0.99

01:52:45.000 You know, they don't have the commitment.

01:52:47.000 I met a girl once, and she was with her sister.

01:52:50.000 And it was a total innocent conversation, you know, nothing crazy got said.

01:52:57.000 It was totally normal.

01:52:58.000 And she brought up something, I think it had to do with gay marriage.

01:53:02.000 I think it had to do with that.

01:53:04.000 And it was something about a bill being passed.

01:53:06.000 And this was many, many years ago, so my memory's a little foggy.

01:53:09.000 But I do remember this.

01:53:11.000 Whatever the controversy was, she said, she goes, it's not God's way.

01:53:16.000 And I said, I remember like stopping and like all of a sudden going, whoa, what happened with this conversation?

01:53:22.000 Like, what did you just say?

01:53:22.000 It's not God's way.

01:53:24.000 Like, how do you know what God's way is?

01:53:25.000 Do you really talk to God or like, where are you getting this from?

01:53:28.000 And she goes, oh, that Satan's, his scales have covered your eyes.

01:53:33.000 She actually said that to me. 1.00

01:53:34.000 His scales have covered, and I'll never forget me looking at her and her sister and going, damn, you crazy bitches. 1.00

01:53:41.000 And the girl was, she was so pretty too. 1.00

01:53:44.000 Like, oh my God, she's beautiful.

01:53:46.000 She was like Latin or something like that. 1.00

01:53:47.000 I was like, oh, you crazy bitches. 1.00

01:53:49.000 Well, you guys take care. 1.00

01:53:51.000 I was like, we can't even talk.

01:53:52.000 You really think that Satan has scales and he puts them over your eyes?

01:53:56.000 We have so much work to do here.

01:53:57.000 I'm not taking on this project.

01:53:59.000 Just to communicate with you and get you to a point of rational, objective thinking, we take three, four mushroom trips, right?

01:54:07.000 Have you heard of a guy named Peter Popoff?

01:54:09.000 He's a pastor of his televangelist guys.

01:54:13.000 What did he do?

01:54:13.000 Blow somebody?

01:54:14.000 I saw him the other day.

01:54:16.000 I was sleeping on the couch and I woke up and he had one of those shows on, paid shows, commercials.

01:54:22.000 And I was amazed what woke me up because I was kind of like half listening to it while I was sleeping.

01:54:26.000 What was amazed is how the things that they say in it, it just seemed illegal.

01:54:31.000 They were like, we're going to send you some miracle water.

01:54:35.000 This water is miracle water.

01:54:37.000 You're going to open up these envelopes.

01:54:39.000 And then they start showing testimonials of people, and they're like, you know, I sent in my, or I read the letters, and then just a week later, I got a new house and a car.

01:54:48.000 And then the next person was like, I got $200,000.

01:54:51.000 And then this other one was like, a guy just walked up and gave me a check for $15 million. 0.99

01:54:56.000 And it was like the most faking shit ever. 0.99

01:54:58.000 And so then I started really researching this guy, and there's all these videos about him online. 0.99

01:55:04.000 I guess he's been ripping people off for a long time, and one of the best videos is one where he just goes up and he goes, where's so-and-so?

01:55:12.000 So-and-so's here.

01:55:13.000 Let's say Tina, Tina Fey, where are you at?

01:55:16.000 And then she comes up and goes, I heard you have arthritis.

01:55:19.000 And you're here because you want to get rid of this arthritis and stuff like that.

01:55:22.000 And the whole time his wife is just pumping information. 1.00

01:55:25.000 Yeah, there was a whole show.

01:55:26.000 She had a thing on.

01:55:27.000 It was on one of those 2020s or something like that.

01:55:29.000 I know we talked about this in the past, I believe.

01:55:31.000 Have we?

01:55:31.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:55:32.000 Maybe it was on another podcast.

01:55:34.000 But I was amazed that he's still allowed to do this.

01:55:36.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:55:37.000 Well, that guy...

01:55:38.000 Name one that's not. 0.98

01:55:42.000 It's almost like it's so ridiculous. 0.98

01:55:44.000 It's like the most ridiculous hustle ever. 0.99

01:55:46.000 It's like, who are they tricking? 0.99

01:55:47.000 The only people they're tricking are like, they're almost like mentally challenged. 0.69

01:55:51.000 Oh yeah.

01:55:52.000 People with no hope.

01:55:54.000 Just robots.

01:55:55.000 When you're down to being convinced that there's a miracle water out there that is going to come in the mail via the postal service and it's going to...

01:56:03.000 It's going to change your fortune.

01:56:04.000 Right.

01:56:04.000 Yeah, that's one of these things.

01:56:07.000 Somewhere along the line, they used to ask for donations, but then somewhere along the line, they realized that they could sell things.

01:56:14.000 And they started selling holy water and selling prayer services and telling people that you would plant a seed.

01:56:25.000 So if you spend $90, it's your last $90, it would come back to you in tenfold.

01:56:30.000 The Bible says... 1.00

01:56:31.000 And it would come out with some crazy fucking... 1.00

01:56:33.000 What's that guy, Creflo Dollar? 0.99

01:56:36.000 He's my favorite.

01:56:38.000 Because he's got a dollar in his name. 1.00

01:56:42.000 I mean, you're a pastor and your fucking name is Dollar. 0.99

01:56:45.000 What's your real name? 1.00

01:56:45.000 They all have weird names. 1.00

01:56:46.000 That guy's like Peter Popoff.

01:56:49.000 Have you ever met any other Popoffs before?

01:56:51.000 This guy's got to have a different real name, though.

01:56:54.000 He must have a real name.

01:56:55.000 What's his real name? 1.00

01:56:57.000 Wow, his real name is Creflo Augustus Dollar Jr. Wow, this is his real fucking name. 0.99

01:57:03.000 He's got a Bachelor of Science in Education. 1.00

01:57:06.000 He's out there talking shit, smacking people. 1.00

01:57:10.000 My favorite is Robert Tilton. 1.00

01:57:12.000 You know who he is?

01:57:13.000 You've probably seen him.

01:57:14.000 There's a viral video of him farting.

01:57:18.000 He talks in tongues a lot on a show, too.

01:57:20.000 He'll go...

01:57:21.000 It's hilarious.

01:57:27.000 See if you can pull up Robert Tilton talking in tongues. 1.00

01:57:30.000 Because it's some of the most ridiculous shit ever. 0.99

01:57:32.000 But I'll never forget this one thing that he said. 1.00

01:57:34.000 He said, every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye. 0.98

01:57:41.000 But doesn't part of you think that if you're dumb enough to send him that money, like, so what? 1.00

01:57:46.000 So a guy got you with the dumbest trick of all time. 0.99

01:57:49.000 Like, you really thought that money was going to God? 1.00

01:57:51.000 You really thought that money was going to give the devil a black eye? 1.00

01:57:54.000 If you really thought that, you're fucking stupid. 1.00

01:57:57.000 I'm not looking after you. 1.00

01:57:58.000 One of the things that Peter Poffoff does, he also sends you a barley cake from the Bible, where it's kind of like the little bread you eat.

01:57:58.000 Right.

01:58:08.000 And he goes, He goes in this commercial, he goes, and we make it with the exact ingredients that they say in the Bible and blah, blah, blah.

01:58:16.000 But then if you look up Ezekiel 4.12 in the Bible, it says, And you should eat it as barley cakes and bake it using fuel of human waste. 0.57

01:58:25.000 Fuel of human waste?

01:58:27.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

01:58:28.000 No, it doesn't.

01:58:29.000 You want to bet?

01:58:30.000 Type in Ezekiel 412. E-Z-E-K-I... Hold on, hold on.

01:58:36.000 E-Z-E-K-I... E-L. E-L. 420?

01:58:41.000 412. 412. Yeah, you're thinking about the weed law.

01:58:45.000 Ezekiel 412. It's been a long time since I read up on my good old Ezekiels.

01:58:49.000 So this is all new to me.

01:58:51.000 Bake it with dung that cometh out of man in their sight.

01:58:57.000 Hold on a second. 0.66

01:58:59.000 Hold on a second.

01:59:01.000 Oh my God.

01:59:04.000 And thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man in their sight. 0.83

01:59:09.000 But it's in the Bible.

01:59:11.000 It's in the Bible. 1.00

01:59:12.000 You need to study the Bible and cook your bread with shit. 1.00

01:59:17.000 Have you ever tried my poo-poo barley cake? 1.00

01:59:19.000 Can you fucking imagine how dumb people are? 1.00

01:59:21.000 That really hurts my brain. 1.00

01:59:23.000 Do you know Ezekiel?

01:59:24.000 Ezekiel might have been a tripper because Ezekiel was also where the first depictions of UFOs came from.

01:59:29.000 Hey, let me pull that up.

01:59:30.000 Yeah, Ezekiel was known for – there's a Bible quote that people bring up all the time when it's a UFO. I bet people were seeing a lot of things after eating shit. 0.99

01:59:42.000 Yeah, they're eating fucking shit cakes all day, throwing up, almost dying. 1.00

01:59:47.000 It was a wheel within a wheel. 1.00

01:59:49.000 It was God's chariot.

01:59:51.000 There was guys with boats that had all the animals.

01:59:53.000 You think we should prepare the barley cake in a different way?

01:59:56.000 No, no, it's great.

01:59:57.000 I'm trying to find this quote. 0.98

01:59:59.000 Tastes so shitty. 1.00

02:00:00.000 What a stupid fucking culture. 1.00

02:00:02.000 Cook it with shit. 1.00

02:00:03.000 Okay, Dad. 1.00

02:00:04.000 Should I write that down on paper?

02:00:05.000 Yes, for thou art my son.

02:00:07.000 Because I got so obsessed with this minister that so when I found that out, I had tweeted something like Olive Garden was like Ezekiel 412 or something like that.

02:00:16.000 And all these people got pissed off that I was doing Bible scriptures.

02:00:20.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:00:21.000 Well, they read that though.

02:00:22.000 Yeah, they figured it out.

02:00:23.000 How do you not read that and just start laughing? 0.63

02:00:25.000 You're telling me to cook shitcakes. 0.89

02:00:27.000 The Bible says cook shitcakes. 0.99

02:00:29.000 That's just one more dumb thing in the Bible. 1.00

02:00:31.000 God damn, I'm so tired of people pretending that book's awesome. 1.00

02:00:36.000 I'm so tired. 1.00

02:00:37.000 You stop. 1.00

02:00:38.000 That shit's stupid. 1.00

02:00:39.000 Okay, here's a quote. 1.00

02:00:41.000 And I looked, and behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire enfolding itself in brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof, as the color of amber out of the midst of the fire.

02:00:57.000 Okay, how's that UFO? Hmm.

02:01:01.000 That's...

02:01:02.000 Somebody putting two points together that don't go together, probably.

02:01:05.000 Ooh, wait a minute.

02:01:06.000 This, though.

02:01:06.000 Hold on.

02:01:07.000 Listen to this.

02:01:08.000 Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures, and this was their appearance.

02:01:13.000 They had the likeness of a man.

02:01:16.000 Whoa.

02:01:17.000 And everyone had four faces and everyone had four wings.

02:01:21.000 And their feet were straight and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot.

02:01:27.000 And they sparkled like the color of burnished brass.

02:01:31.000 What a trippy book.

02:01:33.000 People are like, oh my god, it's so real.

02:01:35.000 I hear God's words when you're saying these things.

02:01:37.000 God is speaking to me through your words.

02:01:39.000 Please read on.

02:01:40.000 And they had the hands of man under their wings on their four sides.

02:01:46.000 And they four had their faces in their wings.

02:01:47.000 Somebody might have just made all this up. 1.00

02:01:50.000 And me, like an asshole, is reading these fake Bible quotes shitting all over the Bible. 1.00

02:01:56.000 And the aliens came up. 1.00

02:01:57.000 But guess what?

02:01:57.000 I don't care.

02:01:58.000 I'm not reading any further.

02:02:00.000 It seems like if this really is Ezekiel's, it says it is. 1.00

02:02:05.000 God damn it. 0.99

02:02:06.000 It's all nuttiness. 1.00

02:02:07.000 They walked up with their four faces and they said, why are you guys cooking things in shit? 0.99

02:02:11.000 And the living creatures ran and returned as the appearance of a flash of lightning. 0.99

02:02:16.000 Now as I behold the living creatures, behold one wheel upon the earth by the living creatures with his four faces.

02:02:22.000 These guys were tripping hard, eating shitcakes. 0.55

02:02:25.000 Oh yeah. 0.74

02:02:26.000 Losing their mind. 1.00

02:02:27.000 What grows on shit? 1.00

02:02:29.000 Mushrooms. 1.00

02:02:30.000 That's right. 0.94

02:02:30.000 Leave your shitcakes out. 0.94

02:02:31.000 They're covered with mushrooms.

02:02:32.000 Eat your shitcakes. 0.99

02:02:34.000 Trip your balls off. 1.00

02:02:35.000 Start talking nutty, man. 1.00

02:02:38.000 When those went, these went.

02:02:40.000 And when those stood still, these stood.

02:02:42.000 And when those were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up.

02:02:46.000 That guy is...

02:02:47.000 This is glossolalia.

02:02:48.000 That guy's just...

02:02:49.000 That's word salad. 1.00

02:02:50.000 That guy's high as fuck. 1.00

02:02:51.000 He's just rambling high as fuck on shitcakes. 1.00

02:02:53.000 I saw the same thing in Joshua Tree one time. 1.00

02:02:55.000 This is the stuff, by the way, that they kept in.

02:02:58.000 You know?

02:02:59.000 I mean, think about that.

02:03:00.000 Like, especially in the New Testament.

02:03:02.000 The New Testament, they had to, like, have, like, meetings.

02:03:05.000 Yeah, editors.

02:03:06.000 What's in there?

02:03:07.000 Can you leave this?

02:03:08.000 Too crazy.

02:03:09.000 If you look at that Ezekiel 412 quote now, it's totally changed.

02:03:13.000 It has nothing to do.

02:03:14.000 Really?

02:03:15.000 Like, it's completely different.

02:03:15.000 Oh, they've altered the quote?

02:03:16.000 Well, you know, it also, it's probably so hard.

02:03:19.000 If you talk to a linguist.

02:03:20.000 Right.

02:03:21.000 You know, I talked to a language scholar the other day, ironically enough, for a Bigfoot show.

02:03:26.000 And, um...

02:03:27.000 If you talk to a linguist, they'll tell you that it started off, it was a spoken story for the longest time before anyone even wrote it down.

02:03:36.000 And the Bible, many of the stories in the Bible probably existed before language or before written language.

02:03:43.000 So like a lot of the stories in the Bible also, they're like really similar to the same stories of ancient Mesopotamia.

02:03:50.000 Oh yeah.

02:03:51.000 And like Sumer and like...

02:03:52.000 The Epic of Gilgamesh is really close to the Epic of Noah's Ark.

02:03:56.000 It's really a lot of similarities in a lot of the stories.

02:03:59.000 So they had to write it down. 0.97

02:04:01.000 They wrote it down in probably, let's say the first shit was the Sumerians. 0.98

02:04:05.000 So they wrote it down in, I think it's called cuneiform or cuneiform. 0.91

02:04:08.000 They wrote it down in that and then eventually it became ancient Hebrew.

02:04:12.000 And then they got to translate it, ancient Hebrew to Latin, and then it was translated to Greek, and it was translated to English. 0.53

02:04:20.000 Like, they had to fuck it up in a lot of ways along the way. 0.95

02:04:25.000 I mean, you're dealing with some wacky-ass languages. 1.00

02:04:28.000 I mean, how many people even exist that know how to convert all that shit? 0.99

02:04:32.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:04:32.000 A lot of the languages are lost. 0.98

02:04:34.000 Yeah.

02:04:34.000 And when they go over the Dead Sea Scrolls is the real trip factory.

02:04:39.000 Read some of the shit that's in the Dead Sea Scrolls. 0.97

02:04:41.000 The Dead Sea Scrolls are the oldest version of the Bible by far. 0.99

02:04:45.000 By almost a thousand years, I think.

02:04:47.000 And it was found in a place called Qumran in these caves in the side of a mountain, like the side of a hill.

02:04:54.000 And these caves have these clay pots and in them were these, they're literally made out of animal skins. 0.89

02:05:00.000 And it's the oldest stories of the Bible. 1.00

02:05:02.000 And it's all trippy fucking shit. 0.99

02:05:05.000 It's all, you read it and you go, it makes Ezekiel sound normal. 1.00

02:05:09.000 Right.

02:05:10.000 And it's so nutty that even though it's the oldest version of the Bible, they're very resistant to release it.

02:05:17.000 And they like to say, well, we're going to revise the Bible now according to the Dead Sea Scrolls.

02:05:21.000 They're like, you know what?

02:05:22.000 We've been reading this for a while. 1.00

02:05:23.000 Maybe we need to fucking just bury this bitch. 1.00

02:05:28.000 That's where that guy, John Marco Allegro... 1.00

02:05:33.000 Who's the Dead Sea Scrolls guy.

02:05:36.000 He was the head translator for the Dead Sea Scrolls.

02:05:39.000 He said the whole thing was about mushrooms.

02:05:41.000 He wrote a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross.

02:05:44.000 He was the only scholar on the whole Dead Sea Scrolls committee that was agnostic. 0.99

02:05:50.000 He was an ordained minister, but then studying theology, he realized it was horseshit. 0.98

02:05:53.000 You leaving, boo-boo? 0.99

02:05:55.000 Yeah.

02:05:55.000 Say goodbye to the people.

02:05:57.000 Bye guys.

02:05:57.000 We're going to wrap this up soon.

02:05:59.000 Anyway, we've got to get out of here too.

02:06:00.000 I've got to go see the premiere of Sirius, the Dr. Stephen Greer documentary, where he reveals the truth about the tiny little alien baby and whether or not it came from the planet Uranus.

02:06:11.000 Will you please text me immediately or live text me during it?

02:06:16.000 I need to know what's going on with this little alien.

02:06:18.000 I will text you, but it is a show only for you.

02:06:21.000 I will save the rest of it for when we talk on air.

02:06:25.000 So do not expect live tweets or spoilers.

02:06:29.000 I'm fascinated.

02:06:30.000 I actually talked to a really cool guy today at a video game company that saw it last night.

02:06:35.000 He said it was really interesting. 0.97

02:06:36.000 So I'm going to get high as fuck and we're going to see what's up. 0.99

02:06:39.000 Later, buddy. 0.99

02:06:40.000 See you tomorrow, man.

02:06:41.000 George St. Pierre tomorrow.

02:06:42.000 Yeah.

02:06:43.000 So this Dead Sea Scrolls, this guy, John Marco Allegro, said after like 14 years of study that the entire Christian religion was really about fertility rituals and mushrooms.

02:06:57.000 It was about tripping balls on psychedelic mushrooms, and it was about fertility treatments, or fertility festivals, and that they would, fertility rituals, and that becoming pregnant was the most important thing.

02:07:11.000 Keeping a baby alive was really difficult, and becoming pregnant and having a child was the most important thing that they all looked forward to.

02:07:17.000 There was a serious urgency to having children because People were fragile, you know?

02:07:23.000 And they also knew a lot about the indigenous psychedelic plants, and especially what they think the Amanita muscaria mushroom, he thinks, was one of the big ones, and that these people just didn't want anybody else to know about it, so they hid their stories.

02:07:38.000 They hid them in parables, and they hid their history of the use of this stuff. 0.86

02:07:46.000 Really interesting stuff, and I'm way too stupid to understand whether he's right or whether the other people are right. 0.85

02:07:51.000 But the guy is a legit scholar. 0.98

02:07:53.000 You know, he's not a stoner.

02:07:54.000 He's not like one of those guys that's trying to justify mushroom use.

02:07:57.000 There is something, the times that I've tried mushrooms, in which, I know it sounds stereotypical, but I really think there's something there.

02:08:05.000 I mean, there's, like, definitely beyond science and rationale and what I've been told to expect and this and that.

02:08:13.000 There's something extra wild about them.

02:08:17.000 And, uh...

02:08:18.000 You know, nothing's really that great as when you can really enjoy that.

02:08:24.000 Yeah.

02:08:25.000 And it makes for everything.

02:08:28.000 I mean, luckily, you know, they're finally coming out with these studies that are showing what it's doing for depression and anxiety.

02:08:34.000 And it's a supernatural cure at times for people, even with what they called...

02:08:43.000 When it's a lifelong diagnosis, chronic depression, people have bounced out of it.

02:08:50.000 When they thought that they were going to be miserable for the rest of their lives, it's like, oh.

02:08:54.000 It's a real consciousness reset button.

02:08:56.000 A real one.

02:08:57.000 A real one.

02:08:58.000 Not just like bowing your head and pretending you feel better.

02:09:02.000 It's real.

02:09:02.000 It's legit.

02:09:04.000 Listen to some of the shit that's in the Dead Sea Scrolls. 0.98

02:09:07.000 By the way, there's people that are working really hard to try to turn that around. 0.98

02:09:10.000 It was like the John Hopkins study.

02:09:12.000 Yeah.

02:09:13.000 My friend Aubrey was just at MAPS, the psychedelic meeting, whatever the hell it is.

02:09:18.000 I forget what the...

02:09:18.000 What does that stand for?

02:09:20.000 MAPS. Let me see.

02:09:22.000 MAPS psychedelic.

02:09:23.000 I should know.

02:09:25.000 Because they're doing a lot of really good work and letting people know.

02:09:30.000 They're a multidisciplinary association for psychedelic studies.

02:09:34.000 And they're hitting them with hard science over and over and over again and showing how many people it could be beneficial for.

02:09:39.000 And a lot of the people that are trying to hold it back, those people that are trying to hold it back, it would be beneficial to them as well.

02:09:46.000 So what people don't understand is that your desire for your resistance to psychedelics is the very reason you need psychedelics in the first place.

02:09:54.000 If you really understood what you were resisting, you're really holding God back.

02:09:58.000 You really want to believe in God?

02:10:00.000 Take six grams of mushrooms.

02:10:01.000 You'll see them.

02:10:03.000 You'll really party with them.

02:10:04.000 You'll hang out with them.

02:10:05.000 Do DMT. You'll meet God, for sure.

02:10:08.000 It sounds crazy. 1.00

02:10:09.000 It sounds like an idiot saying it, and I agree. 1.00

02:10:11.000 It sounds like an idiot, and it's me. 1.00

02:10:13.000 I agree with you, but... 1.00

02:10:15.000 I think it's probably exactly what Ezekiel was talking about in that story. 0.98

02:10:19.000 I bet he was tripping his balls off. 0.98

02:10:20.000 Oh yeah. 0.98

02:10:21.000 He had some crazy psychedelic experience.

02:10:23.000 He probably ate some mushrooms or, you know, the Moses burning bush.

02:10:27.000 Scholars to this day, actively in Jerusalem, there's a movement for scholars to recognize the possibility that Moses was on psychedelic drugs.

02:10:37.000 And that's one of the reasons why it's all a burning bush.

02:10:40.000 Like one of the big bushes that they That they associate with that area is the acacia tree.

02:10:46.000 The acacia bush, rich in DMT. And if they figured out how to extract that shit and smoke it, Burning Bush is right there. 0.99

02:10:55.000 Yeah, he met God. 1.00

02:10:56.000 He found out the Ten Commandments.

02:10:57.000 It sounds like what God would say if you're high on DMT. All those Ten Commandments, they sound pretty right.

02:11:01.000 Yeah, don't fuck your neighbor's wife. 1.00

02:11:03.000 Don't kill anybody. 1.00

02:11:04.000 Be nice.

02:11:05.000 Yeah, it sounds like what DMT would tell you.

02:11:07.000 Like, it literally is exactly what DMT would tell you translated through the filters of time of thousands of years of various languages.

02:11:13.000 But if some guy had some breakthrough experience back then that was trying to enlighten all the people around him, That's what he would say.

02:11:19.000 I came back from God.

02:11:20.000 God gave me this message. 1.00

02:11:21.000 And then over X amount of years of idiots talking about it would, no, no, no, he wrote it on stone tablets. 0.99

02:11:29.000 Well, how did he know it was God's word? 1.00

02:11:30.000 Well, God gave him giant stone. 0.99

02:11:33.000 I mean, when people exaggerate and tell stories, of course, a good 1,000 years of people explaining what happened, they're going to fuck it up and butcher it. 0.98

02:11:41.000 It just makes sense. 0.65

02:11:42.000 What was the name of that Mel Brooks movie?

02:11:45.000 It's one of my favorite scenes in comedy history when Mel Brooks is playing Moses and he comes around the corner with three tablets and goes, My lord, I give to you these fifteen, and he drops one.

02:11:55.000 These ten commandments.

02:11:57.000 Yeah.

02:11:58.000 So funny. 0.99

02:12:00.000 This is a fucking fascinating... 0.99

02:12:04.000 These quotes, I mean, again, I can't tell you if these quotes are really from the actual Dead Sea Scrolls, but it's really wild, crazy shit. 0.99

02:12:18.000 It's just hard to understand.

02:12:20.000 How do you translate things to English?

02:12:23.000 Because it's not...

02:12:24.000 You're also trying to, like, display the intent with a completely different style of communicating, you know?

02:12:31.000 Like, the style of communicating that they had back then is probably so alien to us, like, socially.

02:12:36.000 And so they try to alter it to get it to fit into how we feel they would communicate if they lived today.

02:12:42.000 Like, ugh, God...

02:13:06.000 That sounds like a cult leader. 1.00

02:13:08.000 Sounds like a dude who's trying to get his dick sucked, and he knows where all the gold is. 1.00

02:13:14.000 Yeah, life everlasting. 1.00

02:13:15.000 That's a hard promise to keep.

02:13:17.000 Who knows if that's what it's really said, though. 0.98

02:13:20.000 That's the really fascinating stuff about all this really ancient shit. 0.98

02:13:24.000 It's like piecing together the past. 0.99

02:13:27.000 So fucking hard to figure out what anybody really said. 0.87

02:13:32.000 This stuff that I've been telling you about this Dan Carlin's Hardcore History that I've been listening to for the past couple of months, they don't even know what Genghis Khan looked like. 0.96

02:13:40.000 They don't know what he looked like.

02:13:41.000 They don't know where they buried him.

02:13:43.000 They don't have any direct quotes from him.

02:13:46.000 They have quotes from people that met with Russian historians, emissaries.

02:13:54.000 Diplomats that met to demand things before the Mongols descended upon them. 0.99

02:14:00.000 They don't know shit about this guy. 0.94

02:14:01.000 I read a thing about that exactly, that they hired 50 people to bury Genghis Khan, and then they hired 100 people to kill those 50 people so that nobody knew where he was buried. 0.99

02:14:14.000 Then they hired 500 people to kill those 100 people to kill the 50 people in case any of them told them a thing.

02:14:20.000 And they would just ambush these groups of people that were under their own command in order to protect the secret of Genghis Khan. 1.00

02:14:28.000 They're bad motherfuckers. 0.99

02:14:29.000 They were willing to take it to a level that human beings today can never conceive of. 1.00

02:14:32.000 That's all I do now is I absorb all these histories.

02:14:38.000 It's unbelievable.

02:14:38.000 It's amazing.

02:14:39.000 And now with the internet, you can go non-stop, tangent to tangent to tangent.

02:14:44.000 You can forget what originally got you there.

02:14:46.000 Next thing, you could just be on the different scope of the universe.

02:14:51.000 For some reason, tragic events of 12 A.D. don't bother me as much as Boston of 2013. I stopped reading about the Boston tragedy.

02:15:02.000 I'm hearing about this guy lost his legs and these people were permanently injured and this person died.

02:15:09.000 It's so depressing.

02:15:11.000 But for whatever reason, I can read about Genghis Khan or listen to this audio tape about Genghis Khan.

02:15:15.000 It doesn't bother me.

02:15:17.000 Yeah.

02:15:17.000 We don't know how...

02:15:20.000 People are terrible.

02:15:21.000 They're capable of such horrible, horrible behavior.

02:15:25.000 We're not used to it.

02:15:27.000 We're not around it that often. 0.99

02:15:28.000 You have to see something happen to just understand, oh yeah, there's some of us out there that are just fucking nuts, man. 0.98

02:15:34.000 It's just in the evolution of things. 0.98

02:15:37.000 It's hard to get all the way clear after a thousand years ago, the Mongoloids were killing tens of thousands. 0.99

02:15:44.000 It's not the Mongoloids. 1.00

02:15:45.000 Wait, what was it?

02:15:46.000 The Mongols! 0.96

02:15:47.000 Oh, whatever.

02:15:49.000 You can't say whatever, man.

02:15:50.000 They'll come get you.

02:15:52.000 Genghis Khan is like their hero.

02:15:54.000 I mean, imagine, like, that's a guy that's in your past.

02:15:57.000 You know, we talk about, what did your ancestors do?

02:16:00.000 Oh, really?

02:16:00.000 My answer was Genghis Khan.

02:16:02.000 My ancestor killed everybody. 0.98

02:16:04.000 Because Genghis Khan fucked so many people that he's responsible for, like, a giant percentage of the DNA in that area. 0.99

02:16:11.000 Like, he's in something like 5%. 0.96

02:16:13.000 His DNA is in some...

02:16:14.000 I just made that number up, by the way.

02:16:16.000 And I'm not even going to Google it, okay? 0.96

02:16:17.000 Because it's not that fucking important. 0.83

02:16:18.000 What am I, a historian? 1.00

02:16:19.000 Go look for yourself, you fucks. 1.00

02:16:21.000 But if you want to find out... 1.00

02:16:23.000 Get that Dan Carlin's Hardcore History.

02:16:25.000 I can't recommend it enough.

02:16:26.000 The guy puts a tremendous amount of work into these podcasts.

02:16:28.000 I really respect his work ethic. 0.91

02:16:30.000 I'm fucking fascinated by it, man. 1.00

02:16:33.000 Genghis Khan was a motherfucker, dude. 1.00

02:16:36.000 You know what I'm saying, Tony Hinchcliffe? 1.00

02:16:37.000 Oh yeah, definitely.

02:16:39.000 So what's next for you, buddy, except besides Wednesday night at the Ice House.

02:16:43.000 Can't wait for Wednesday night.

02:16:44.000 With Burt Kreischer and Tommy Segura and Brian Redman.

02:16:47.000 Jesus, Louisa.

02:16:48.000 I love it.

02:16:49.000 I'm very excited.

02:16:50.000 We're going to have some fun.

02:16:52.000 What else is going on for you?

02:16:53.000 Are you still working on Jeff Ross' show?

02:16:55.000 Yeah, we're in between seasons right now.

02:16:57.000 Hopefully season three will be released soon.

02:16:59.000 The burn on Comedy Central.

02:17:01.000 And you're one of the writers over there.

02:17:02.000 Yep.

02:17:02.000 So if you see something really offensive, most likely...

02:17:05.000 That guy wrote it.

02:17:06.000 You know who did it.

02:17:07.000 Tony Hinchcliffe. 1.00

02:17:08.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

02:17:09.000 Even if I didn't write for it, I fought for it to be on the show. 1.00

02:17:12.000 He's born gangster.

02:17:13.000 Look at him. 0.95

02:17:14.000 Look at him.

02:17:15.000 It's true, I am. 1.00

02:17:15.000 He does not give a fuck. 1.00

02:17:18.000 Came out here from Ohio to make it in the dark world. 1.00

02:17:22.000 It's true.

02:17:23.000 You from Columbus?

02:17:24.000 Originally from Youngstown, an Italian city between Chicago and New York.

02:17:28.000 I know where that is.

02:17:29.000 I did comedy there.

02:17:30.000 I did comedy in this club.

02:17:31.000 Yeah, the funny farm.

02:17:32.000 Yeah, and the stage was in the back and there was a disco in the front.

02:17:37.000 And the disco was like...

02:17:39.000 Well, it wasn't the highest end, this guy, you know?

02:17:42.000 It's at a Holiday Inn, I do believe.

02:17:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:17:44.000 And it was like all this music was playing.

02:17:46.000 Every time the back door would open, you would hear...

02:17:48.000 And then it would close, and then you would go back to your act, and it would be like literally this quiet.

02:17:56.000 And then the door would open, so it was just constant open and shut.

02:18:00.000 And to pee, you had to go that way.

02:18:02.000 I think.

02:18:03.000 I might have made that up too.

02:18:05.000 But I remember it wasn't a good gig.

02:18:07.000 That club was notoriously...

02:18:11.000 Not really.

02:18:11.000 Did you ever do it?

02:18:12.000 No.

02:18:13.000 Never?

02:18:14.000 Never.

02:18:14.000 How dare you?

02:18:15.000 Started out here.

02:18:16.000 Did you want to go back?

02:18:17.000 Did you just let everybody know?

02:18:18.000 I went back a couple times when I first started and did pretty big shows at a different bar, but I was at a bar.

02:18:25.000 Oh, you just did like you booked your own thing?

02:18:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:27.000 Look at you, you fucking stud. 1.00

02:18:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:29.000 Who'd you do it with?

02:18:29.000 Did you bring somebody?

02:18:30.000 It was just me, actually.

02:18:32.000 Just you by yourself?

02:18:33.000 Yep. 1.00

02:18:34.000 You're a savage. 0.98

02:18:35.000 Yeah, I have a great group of friends back in Youngstown. 0.91

02:18:39.000 How much time do you have altogether?

02:18:42.000 Well, altogether it's weird because no matter what I'm trying to do, I always go off on tangents and whatever.

02:18:48.000 So I have to end up doing less than my goal anyway.

02:18:54.000 That's a good problem to have.

02:18:56.000 Yeah.

02:18:57.000 Yeah, it is.

02:18:58.000 You get that problem when you do a lot of comedy.

02:19:00.000 Yeah.

02:19:01.000 Gotta do a lot of comedy.

02:19:02.000 I can't wait.

02:19:03.000 How many days a week are you going out?

02:19:05.000 Every night.

02:19:05.000 That's how you do it, buddy.

02:19:06.000 Some nights, like last week I had a couple nights where it was three shows in one night. 1.00

02:19:10.000 Damn. 0.99

02:19:10.000 Just flying around just doing it. 0.99

02:19:12.000 Isn't it amazing when you do that?

02:19:14.000 Because comedy becomes part of your DNA. It really gets in that groove.

02:19:18.000 It's hard to do.

02:19:19.000 It's hard to do.

02:19:20.000 I find I balance.

02:19:22.000 I like to do that.

02:19:23.000 I never like to do every night.

02:19:24.000 I like to do three or four nights a week.

02:19:26.000 Then I like to take nights a week off and not even think about comedy and just write.

02:19:30.000 Where I don't even entertain the idea of going on stage.

02:19:34.000 I just go over ideas.

02:19:36.000 And I find that there's like, for me, I can't just always be going on stage.

02:19:40.000 It's like a lot of time has to be spent, especially now, working on, I don't know, like a sixth or seventh hour or something like that. 0.90

02:19:48.000 All the time I put out specials and shit.

02:19:49.000 It's like I have to figure out, like, New angles and new points of view. 0.96

02:19:55.000 Not even necessarily new points of view, but new subjects.

02:19:57.000 New different things that interest me.

02:19:59.000 New points that I have.

02:20:01.000 I feel like I don't just get that if I just go on stage a lot. 0.98

02:20:04.000 I have to spend a lot of time doing other shit. 0.73

02:20:06.000 You know, and I think about that actively now. 0.98

02:20:08.000 Whereas when I was younger, I really think about that actively.

02:20:11.000 Like I would just try to like write, you know, just try to come up with new bits.

02:20:15.000 But now I make myself do things so that cool stuff will come out of them.

02:20:20.000 I'll have interesting stuff to talk about.

02:20:22.000 It was very soon after I started stand-up, within the first couple weeks, I found a book that Stephen King wrote called On Writing.

02:20:29.000 Yeah, great book.

02:20:31.000 It's unbelievable.

02:20:33.000 Obviously, it's not a fiction.

02:20:35.000 He's just talking about his work ethic of writing.

02:20:38.000 He's like, I don't think I'm a writer if I take a day off.

02:20:41.000 What am I? Then I'm just some guy.

02:20:44.000 I started applying that during the day, and I figured, on top of writing my own stand-up, if I keep up this habit of writing for a few hours every day during the day...

02:20:55.000 Then it'll get better.

02:20:57.000 And it did, sure enough.

02:20:58.000 Luckily, I'm a member of the Writers Guild now, working on the show and everything.

02:21:04.000 So the habit was, really, it was that book.

02:21:10.000 Yeah.

02:21:14.000 Yeah.

02:21:29.000 Like when I go to a UFC, I want to work out. 0.79

02:21:32.000 After I come home, I want to fucking work out like crazy. 0.90

02:21:35.000 When I go see comedy, I want to write. 0.98

02:21:36.000 I think that's really important.

02:21:39.000 Oh, totally.

02:21:39.000 I do that all the time.

02:21:40.000 Even with the music that I listen to, going somewhere, getting ready for something at night.

02:21:46.000 I listen to big, powerful music that will get me sort of hyped and inspired.

02:21:52.000 A lot of live shows is the type of music that I listen to.

02:21:56.000 And you hear the crowd just, yeah.

02:21:58.000 Yeah.

02:21:59.000 In these breaks or at the beginnings or at the end of the song.

02:22:02.000 That's the stuff that takes every little bit of mojo one could absorb to be able to kick it back out.

02:22:07.000 Yeah, that's why I really like music as well.

02:22:10.000 I think music is one of the cool things to see because it's like the energy is put in it.

02:22:15.000 But it's totally different from comedy.

02:22:17.000 It's like some new facet or some new energy.

02:22:19.000 Some new thing.

02:22:20.000 And like when I listen to a song, like some songs, there's like something about it, like there's a lyrical quality to like writing in songs that I started to realize somewhere along the line is applicable to comedy as well.

02:22:32.000 Like when a joke is written correctly and a joke has a good economy of words and the right words to describe the right situations, it has like a rhythmic quality to it.

02:22:45.000 And I think that's sort of That's sort of underestimated or overlooked by a lot of comedians.

02:22:51.000 The impact that that sort of rhythm to the delivery has, the impact of it, I think is pretty substantial.

02:22:57.000 Oh, totally.

02:22:58.000 But we don't think about that.

02:22:59.000 We just think about what is funny.

02:23:01.000 But it's not just that.

02:23:02.000 It's like it's funny and it's also good and it's smooth.

02:23:06.000 There's a lot of things to it that make it more enjoyable, more interesting to listen to.

02:23:10.000 A perfect example of what you're talking about right now with the rhythm and like Timing and everything.

02:23:14.000 Last night, I'm hosting at the Comedy Store.

02:23:17.000 It's like 40 comedians, everybody that's new, and employees after that, and then paid regular, whatever.

02:23:22.000 And in the middle of it, a cook, the Mexican guy, El Docho, who works the deep fryer at the Comedy Store, comes, hey man, I want to go on stage, and Disastrous. 1.00

02:23:46.000 But, you know, and he goes up.

02:23:49.000 But it was hilarious because nobody could understand a single word, but he was completely committed.

02:23:54.000 And then all of a sudden he's making this noise and you don't even know what the noise he was making was.

02:24:00.000 But his commitment and his beats with it just, he crushed.

02:24:05.000 He crushed it.

02:24:06.000 And all these other comedians that do it every night and look at going up in that room at the comedy store is like, this is it.

02:24:12.000 I'm going to show them what I would do on the Tonight Show if I was on it tonight.

02:24:16.000 Then you have the guy working the frying pans who nobody understands a word.

02:24:20.000 There's people that spend, you know, so much time writing and everything.

02:24:22.000 But there he is.

02:24:23.000 And sure, it's a silly instance, but it was extremely funny.

02:24:27.000 And if I'm cracking up and the audience is laughing and people know...

02:24:33.000 Then it's funny.

02:24:34.000 But you know what's really interesting?

02:24:35.000 And you did it with that old word.

02:24:36.000 How do you recreate that?

02:24:37.000 Could you recreate that with another audience?

02:24:39.000 Maybe not.

02:24:40.000 Maybe that would only work in that sort of a really loose situation where it's a comedy store, a bunch of comedians in the crowd.

02:24:46.000 You want to go up?

02:24:47.000 Yeah, go up.

02:24:48.000 And no expectations.

02:24:50.000 You know what I mean?

02:24:50.000 It's like, could you recreate that and become a comedian?

02:24:53.000 Right.

02:24:54.000 Yeah.

02:24:55.000 Because you know how that weird realization you have where just because a joke kills in one place, it could bomb in another place?

02:25:02.000 Oh, totally.

02:25:02.000 And you say it the exact same way?

02:25:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:04.000 And you're like, well, what the fuck? 1.00

02:25:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:25:06.000 And then you realize, well, this doesn't always work.

02:25:09.000 This is a weird idea I'm throwing out there.

02:25:11.000 Some people are going to buy into it, and some people are not. 1.00

02:25:14.000 And sometimes it sounds like the greatest joke ever written, and sometimes it sounds like you're a fool. 1.00

02:25:18.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:25:19.000 Because sometimes there's something that happened the first time you did it when it worked that you did before that you don't normally do that you forgot that you did and it worked because of that.

02:25:27.000 I think a good thing for young comics to realize is that that's good.

02:25:32.000 It's good.

02:25:32.000 All that's bombing and failing and not getting it right.

02:25:35.000 It's good.

02:25:36.000 Oh yeah, totally.

02:25:37.000 Because if you don't have it, you're not going to appreciate when it goes well.

02:25:40.000 I remember in my first few weeks of doing it, a comedian came up to me who, I won't say his name, but he was terrible.

02:25:47.000 And he goes, hey man, you know, the trick is...

02:25:52.000 Bomb as often as you can. 1.00

02:25:53.000 And I'm thinking to myself, oh yeah, that's what you would do, you loser. 1.00

02:25:57.000 Because that's what you're doing anyway. 0.98

02:25:58.000 But looking back on it now...

02:26:00.000 He actually said that the trick is to bomb?

02:26:01.000 What was his rationale?

02:26:02.000 Well, he goes, you know, because now's the time to knock bombing out.

02:26:05.000 If you know how to bomb now...

02:26:08.000 It ended up making some sense later on.

02:26:10.000 It was terrible.

02:26:11.000 So how did he have such wisdom?

02:26:12.000 Right, exactly.

02:26:13.000 Somebody must have told him that, like, hey, you know, look at it this way in a positive sense.

02:26:18.000 Your bombing's good. 1.00

02:26:20.000 I don't think bad comedians are funny anymore.

02:26:23.000 It makes me sad.

02:26:24.000 It's funny to you right now because it's so close.

02:26:26.000 Yeah.

02:26:26.000 Now it's just madness.

02:26:28.000 I look at it, I just see madness.

02:26:31.000 There's people that you know that are going to try for years and years and years and it's never going to happen.

02:26:36.000 Right.

02:26:36.000 It doesn't exist for them.

02:26:39.000 Yeah.

02:26:41.000 It is creepy, and I've seen it with a few people.

02:26:44.000 And it must be that with anything.

02:26:45.000 I mean, you watch American Idol and people sing, and you're like, how does this person think they can sing? 0.99

02:26:48.000 They're crazy.

02:26:49.000 How does this person think anybody wants to sing? 0.98

02:26:51.000 It must be that if you're a literary agent. 1.00

02:26:54.000 I mean, imagine how many people send you stories and you're like, holy fuck, are you reading this nuts fucking work? 0.99

02:27:00.000 Come here, read this. 1.00

02:27:01.000 What?

02:27:03.000 What is that, Tony? 0.98

02:27:04.000 Why are some people so goddamn delusional? 0.97

02:27:06.000 Is there a broad spectrum of human beings and the amount of voltage your battery puts out? 0.97

02:27:10.000 And some people are just designed to dig holes?

02:27:13.000 I think that the delusion needs to be that with tons of work at something, you can accomplish it.

02:27:24.000 Not that the delusion is, I can do this.

02:27:28.000 Everybody that has ever been good at anything worked at it, you know what I mean?

02:27:31.000 A lot.

02:27:33.000 And they wanted it.

02:27:34.000 Even if you work at it, it doesn't mean you're gonna get it.

02:27:36.000 Especially with things like talent.

02:27:39.000 Talent is a weird thing.

02:27:42.000 I've seen guys that train striking for MMA. They train it for years.

02:27:48.000 They fucking train it for years. 0.99

02:27:49.000 But then when it comes to an actual fight, they can't pull it off. 0.99

02:27:52.000 They can't strike with people.

02:27:53.000 They don't move right.

02:27:55.000 They're too slow.

02:27:56.000 For whatever reason it is, they can never figure it out.

02:27:58.000 And there's other guys. 0.99

02:27:59.000 You show them a couple of moves, and they look like fucking pros, like instantly. 1.00

02:28:02.000 And they'll crush you and knock you out with one punch. 1.00

02:28:04.000 It doesn't make any sense. 0.90

02:28:06.000 It's like that guy clearly has a gift.

02:28:08.000 And this guy clearly, no matter how hard he works, he's never going to get there.

02:28:11.000 It's true.

02:28:12.000 It's a weird thing about this life.

02:28:14.000 Boy, it must be a real curse, a crazy feeling to be one of those guys.

02:28:19.000 It's like trying to pursue something and you're having no success and you can't connect the dots and you can't move forward.

02:28:24.000 Oh, man.

02:28:25.000 It's, you know, before anything was happening, you know, before when I was still not making money and before I was getting passed at the clubs in Hollywood and everything, it was...

02:28:36.000 Extremely low.

02:28:37.000 I was able to keep having fun by surrounding myself around funny friends and everything, but man, was it hard.

02:28:44.000 Yeah, it's depressing. 0.96

02:28:45.000 It's depressing as fuck when you're not making it. 1.00

02:28:47.000 When you're eating dick out there, it's hard. 1.00

02:28:49.000 But isn't it like a real character builder once you're through to the other side? 0.99

02:28:52.000 Oh yeah.

02:28:53.000 You must be so happy right now.

02:28:54.000 Oh yeah. 1.00

02:28:55.000 You're always smiling and shit. 1.00

02:28:56.000 Oh totally. 1.00

02:28:57.000 You're like a professional comedian.

02:28:58.000 Boom.

02:28:58.000 You got through.

02:28:59.000 It's wild.

02:29:00.000 You made it.

02:29:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:29:01.000 Dude, you fucking killed in Indianapolis. 1.00

02:29:03.000 There was a lot of goddamn people. 1.00

02:29:05.000 2,000 people out there and you had to go up cold. 1.00

02:29:07.000 Nobody knew who the fuck you were. 1.00

02:29:08.000 I love it. 1.00

02:29:09.000 Killed.

02:29:10.000 That's the way I like it. 0.98

02:29:11.000 Yeah, the audience loved you.

02:29:12.000 I love that.

02:29:13.000 A lot of positive tweets, man.

02:29:14.000 People really thought you were funny.

02:29:15.000 Yeah, it was a blast.

02:29:17.000 I listened to the set the next day and I just couldn't even believe it.

02:29:22.000 It was really wild because I record all those and the sound and the power of that one.

02:29:27.000 Was that the biggest crowd you ever worked?

02:29:29.000 I think so.

02:29:30.000 Right around there.

02:29:31.000 I should know, but it's been right around there with a couple shows.

02:29:35.000 The quote that I was talking about, this guy Phil Elmore, he's a writer.

02:29:38.000 He wrote this on his Twitter.

02:29:40.000 It says, A writer never has a vacation.

02:29:42.000 For a writer, life consists of either writing or thinking about writing.

02:29:45.000 And that's Eugene Inoseko.

02:29:48.000 He was a playwright.

02:29:49.000 That's so true.

02:29:51.000 I can't sleep at night if I didn't do something that day.

02:29:54.000 It's not a vacation.

02:29:57.000 I'm...

02:29:57.000 I work my vacation.

02:29:59.000 This is a blast.

02:30:02.000 What would be uncomfortable for me is literally being on an island for a week with no internet and no pen and paper.

02:30:11.000 Well, people that don't understand that, like, you need to relax, Tony.

02:30:14.000 You need to stop working so hard.

02:30:15.000 They don't understand that you're the only person that can make Tony Hinchcliffe jokes.

02:30:19.000 If somebody likes you, you're the only person that makes you.

02:30:23.000 You're the only person that performs, and you're you.

02:30:25.000 That's it.

02:30:25.000 This is the only Tony Hinchcliffe show around.

02:30:29.000 No one else can do it unless they're in Vegas.

02:30:31.000 Years from now, doing an impersonator act.

02:30:33.000 Right. 1.00

02:30:35.000 History is the autobiography of a madman. 0.94

02:30:38.000 Alexander Herzen.

02:30:39.000 That's another badass quote that I read today.

02:30:42.000 This might be a good way to end this show. 1.00

02:30:46.000 Tony Hinchcliffe, thank you for being a bad motherfucker. 0.99

02:30:49.000 Thank you so much. 0.99

02:30:50.000 Thank you for coming along and being one of those guys that I can enjoy.

02:30:54.000 Enjoy your comedy, man.

02:30:55.000 It's fun.

02:30:55.000 So happy to be part of it.

02:30:57.000 It's happy to have you.

02:30:58.000 Welcome. 1.00

02:30:59.000 That's quiet, bitch. 1.00

02:31:00.000 Alright, thanks everybody for tuning into the podcast. 0.98

02:31:02.000 Tomorrow we will be back with the greatest welterweight champion in the history of mixed martial arts.

02:31:07.000 Georges St-Pierre, my friend, joins us.

02:31:11.000 And people say, will you do the Georges St-Pierre impression in front of him?

02:31:14.000 Only with Georges' blessing. 0.94

02:31:16.000 I don't know what the fuck that means. 0.92

02:31:17.000 Tony, help me out here, buddy. 0.98

02:31:19.000 Pick up the slack.

02:31:20.000 Pick up the slack, Tony.

02:31:21.000 You mean George St. Pierre is going to be sitting in this chair tomorrow?

02:31:23.000 Yes. 1.00

02:31:24.000 Don't rub your dick on it. 1.00

02:31:25.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:31:27.000 Thanks to Squarespace.com. 1.00

02:31:29.000 Go to Squarespace.com forward slash Joe and sign up. 0.99

02:31:33.000 Use the offer code Joe4 and save 10% off your first purchase on new accounts, you dirty fucks. 0.99

02:31:39.000 Thanks to Audible.com. 0.98

02:31:40.000 Go to Audible.com forward slash Joe.

02:31:42.000 And you will get one free audio book and 30 free days of audible service.

02:31:47.000 Thanks also to Ting.

02:31:50.000 I can't talk.

02:31:53.000 What is it?

02:31:54.000 Rogan.Ting.com or something like that?

02:31:56.000 Update?

02:31:56.000 Hold on.

02:31:57.000 I'll tell you in a second.

02:31:59.000 Ting.

02:32:02.000 Yeah.

02:32:03.000 Rogan.Ting.com. 1.00

02:32:04.000 Go there, you fucks. 1.00

02:32:05.000 And save 25 bucks? 1.00

02:32:08.000 I think?

02:32:08.000 Yeah.

02:32:08.000 25 bucks off of either a phone or service.

02:32:11.000 And they're an awesome company.

02:32:13.000 And they're very nice to us.

02:32:14.000 And they don't mind when we make really shitty commercials like this.

02:32:18.000 Thanks to everybody else. 0.62

02:32:20.000 Thanks to Onnit.

02:32:21.000 Use the code name ROGAN. Save 10% off O-N-N-I-T. Off any of the supplements.

02:32:26.000 And that's it, ladies and gentlemen.

02:32:29.000 I apologize for my brain being mush lately.

02:32:32.000 I've been working a lot on this other show as well as doing this.

02:32:35.000 And...

02:32:36.000 I feel it.

02:32:37.000 I feel it, Tony. 0.99

02:32:38.000 I'm feeling a little stupid. 0.97

02:32:39.000 Help me out, buddy. 0.62

02:32:40.000 May 3rd, 4th, and 5th.

02:32:41.000 San Fran and Sacramento.

02:32:43.000 The Death Squad shows. 1.00

02:32:44.000 Tony Hinchcliffe in the house, bitches. 1.00

02:32:46.000 That's it. 1.00

02:32:46.000 Alright, folks. 1.00

02:32:47.000 We will see you tomorrow. 0.85

02:32:48.000 We love the shit out of you. 0.96

02:32:50.000 And Godspeed. 0.98

02:32:51.000 Big kiss.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 22, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #350 - Tony Hinchcliffe

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Transcript