The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #362 - Eddie Ifft

00:00:03.000 That's the nighttime version of the monkey. 1.00

00:00:06.000 That's the monkey that's just been up fucking and punching shit and eating fermented berries. 1.00

00:00:13.000 That's the monkey that's tired sucking all the monkey cock. 1.00

00:00:16.000 That's a tired monkey. 0.99

00:00:22.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Hover.

00:00:29.000 If you have not been to Hover, I have actually.

00:00:34.000 I actually use it and I use it to register domain names.

00:00:39.000 I wish I was one of those dudes who got in on that action, like when you could buy business.com. 0.95

00:00:44.000 Those wizards that made like a fucking family fortune of having the right name. 0.98

00:00:49.000 Coke.com. 0.99

00:00:50.000 It was really hard to do.

00:00:51.000 I did it, and now I just have a bunch of domains that I'm like, I don't even care if this is worth anything anymore.

00:00:55.000 How dare you say that? 1.00

00:00:57.000 Why don't you sell them, you fuck? 1.00

00:00:59.000 What do you got that's worth something? 1.00

00:01:00.000 No, I don't even know if they are.

00:01:03.000 I have one that's Java Lamps.

00:01:05.000 Java Lamps?

00:01:06.000 Is that worth something?

00:01:08.000 I don't know.

00:01:08.000 Mr. Kiwi?

00:01:09.000 Mr. Kiwi.

00:01:10.000 If there's a business called Mr. Kiwi, they might be interested.

00:01:13.000 It sounds like an apple juice in Japan.

00:01:15.000 It does.

00:01:16.000 Or some sort of a fruit beverage.

00:01:19.000 I just let go of a lot.

00:01:21.000 Like PillHumping.com, PillHumper.

00:01:24.000 PillHumper.com?

00:01:25.000 Boy, that was a gold mine you passed up on, pal.

00:01:28.000 Good thing you got rid of those before you hit 40. Hover is...

00:01:35.000 I've used it. 0.99

00:01:36.000 I won't tell you what the domains are because if I have some controversial domain out there and you're like, who is writing this crazy shit? 0.94

00:01:45.000 Maybe I don't want you to know. 0.93

00:01:46.000 So you have a domain that you use that no one knows it's you?

00:01:50.000 Not even me, because you've never even told me about it.

00:01:52.000 I have my own pet science projects. 0.98

00:01:54.000 Oh my god, that's fucking hilarious. 0.97

00:01:56.000 Hover.com forward slash Rogan. 0.97

00:01:58.000 One of the beautiful things about Hover is that you get free whois domain name registration privacy.

00:02:04.000 That means you could have dickpartyinmymouth.com which, by the way, we do.

00:02:09.000 And we registered it at Hover.

00:02:12.000 Hover.

00:02:13.000 Well, it's because if you wanted, you know, people to not know that DickPartyInMyMouth.com was your website, I think that would make sense. 0.96

00:02:20.000 Goddamn, I want to know what yours is. 0.79

00:02:22.000 Anyway, Hover.com forward slash Rogan. 0.95

00:02:24.000 Go there, get 10% off your domain name registrations.

00:02:27.000 It's very easy to use.

00:02:29.000 I enjoy using the internet, and I enjoy going online and downloading.

00:02:36.000 We're pulling information from the web.

00:02:37.000 However, I quite honestly do not know much about how to work everything.

00:02:43.000 I'm not that technologically savvy.

00:02:45.000 I'm just too fucking busy.

00:02:46.000 But Hover is so easy. 0.76

00:02:49.000 It's so intuitive.

00:02:51.000 There was zero hassle of owning and managing domain names with it.

00:02:57.000 The user interface is very intuitive, so I recommend them.

00:03:01.000 Hover.com forward slash Rogan. 0.99

00:03:04.000 Ya fucks! 1.00

00:03:06.000 And free security also, so it covers your address and everything. 0.99

00:03:10.000 Yeah, that's what I was saying.

00:03:11.000 Who is domain name security.

00:03:15.000 Show's coming up.

00:03:16.000 I'm at the Burton Cummings Theatre in Winnipeg, June 14th. 1.00

00:03:21.000 But it's sold out, bitch! 1.00

00:03:22.000 I'm at the Bear 2 Theatre Pub& Grill with Ari Shafir in Anchorage, Alaska. 0.99

00:03:29.000 And this just went on sale today.

00:03:30.000 We're doing one night up there to do comedy to pay for our fishing trip.

00:03:35.000 We're going to go fishing.

00:03:36.000 So that's June 26, 2013. I've been wanting to go to Alaska forever, man.

00:03:41.000 I just want to see it.

00:03:42.000 I just hear it's insane.

00:03:43.000 I heard it just blows your mind.

00:03:45.000 Like, you go up there and you never look at nature the same.

00:03:48.000 You see animals that you didn't know exist.

00:03:50.000 Yeah, my friends who've been there, like my hunter friends that have been there, they say it's like, you have to go there.

00:03:55.000 You have to go there once in your life just to see this unexplored...

00:03:58.000 Literally, you might go somewhere where a human's never been.

00:04:03.000 Like, it's possible to do that still in Alaska.

00:04:05.000 Like, if you really want to get crazy and take a plane and fly two hours out and just land somewhere, it's very likely no one's ever been there.

00:04:12.000 Like, that's crazy. 0.98

00:04:13.000 There's been a lot of goddamn people on this planet for a long-ass time. 0.98

00:04:17.000 But it is possible that you could find a spot in Alaska where there's never been a human being. 0.99

00:04:22.000 Not where I'm going, but, you know.

00:04:23.000 What's the Alaskan women look like? 1.00

00:04:25.000 Like men. 0.57

00:04:26.000 Really?

00:04:26.000 Like Alaskans.

00:04:28.000 Fucking elbow faces. 1.00

00:04:29.000 No, I'm sure there's a few hotties up there that are just taking dick like it's going out of style. 1.00

00:04:32.000 Because you have so much power if you're a woman up there. 1.00

00:04:35.000 I think dudes just have to get used to tossing girls around. 1.00

00:04:37.000 I bet a lot of guys fight over girls, too, up there.

00:04:39.000 Oh.

00:04:40.000 It's really bad.

00:04:40.000 It's like 10 to 1. They ship them in.

00:04:42.000 They have to.

00:04:43.000 They have that mail order stuff.

00:04:45.000 Well, yeah, there's a lot of that, but that's a commitment. 0.99

00:04:47.000 And the kind of girl that's willing to just pack up her shit and fly across the country, live with a crab fisherman. 1.00

00:04:52.000 You know, a lot of those bitches are crazy. 1.00

00:04:54.000 Is this mail order? 1.00

00:04:56.000 Everyone there is crazy. 0.63

00:04:57.000 They live in Alaska.

00:04:58.000 But I think it's awesome, too, you know?

00:05:00.000 I really enjoy these shows that I've been watching.

00:05:02.000 I watch, like, there's Alaska, The Last Frontier, and...

00:05:04.000 Mountain Men and all these subsistence shows. 0.98

00:05:07.000 I fucking love these shows, man. 1.00

00:05:09.000 The people on Alaska, The Last Frontier, these are not stupid people. 1.00

00:05:13.000 They are people who you would totally hang with. 0.99

00:05:15.000 There's a young couple.

00:05:17.000 I did shows up there, loved it.

00:05:18.000 But every person I talked to, I'd be like, why'd you come to Alaska?

00:05:22.000 And they'd go, I love the outdoors.

00:05:25.000 And I was like, there's outdoors in Florida.

00:05:27.000 You buried a body somewhere and it's not deep enough.

00:05:30.000 And you had to go somewhere.

00:05:31.000 They won't come to get you.

00:05:33.000 I think people would still come to get you in Alaska.

00:05:35.000 I don't think that's safe if you're in the middle of a city like Anchorage.

00:05:39.000 When I went there, I went from New York, flew to Seattle, and I just figured it was like another hour from Seattle.

00:05:45.000 And like six hours later, I was like, are you kidding me?

00:05:48.000 Like, I didn't look at the map and figure out that like, it's a Far away away.

00:05:53.000 Don't be rude, dude.

00:05:54.000 What do Alaskan women look like? 1.00

00:05:56.000 Yeah, come on, man.

00:05:57.000 How is she the number fourth person, though?

00:05:59.000 That's mean.

00:06:00.000 Why does that mean?

00:06:01.000 She's a hot redhead. 1.00

00:06:01.000 She's a real human, and you're seeing her. 1.00

00:06:03.000 She has a hot redhead. 1.00

00:06:04.000 Why does that mean?

00:06:05.000 How is she the number fourth good-looking woman ever in Alaska? 0.79

00:06:08.000 Go to the seventh one.

00:06:10.000 Sarah Palin.

00:06:11.000 They don't have it in order, dude.

00:06:12.000 Seven, man.

00:06:13.000 Yeah, this is order of popularity.

00:06:15.000 No, it's just what Google pops up.

00:06:17.000 You should use Bing.

00:06:18.000 They're less biased.

00:06:20.000 No, it's not.

00:06:21.000 So anyway, Alaska.

00:06:22.000 Bear Tooth Theater Pub and Grill, Anchorage, Alaska.

00:06:26.000 Take these girls' pictures down, dude. 0.74

00:06:28.000 Please.

00:06:29.000 Thank you.

00:06:31.000 Also, the joint at the Hard Rock, July 6th, with Joey Diaz.

00:06:37.000 So that's the night before the UFC. There's a UFC on July 7th.

00:06:43.000 No, 6th.

00:06:44.000 UFC's on the 6th.

00:06:45.000 My show's on the 5th.

00:06:47.000 So Friday, July 5th at the Hard Rock at the Joint.

00:06:51.000 Should be a lot of fun.

00:06:51.000 I've never done that place.

00:06:52.000 I've been there for UFC fights before, but I've never done stand-up there.

00:06:55.000 Is that in Vegas?

00:06:57.000 Yes, my friend.

00:06:58.000 And then the Moore Theater in Seattle on July 26th.

00:07:02.000 There's some other shit coming up, but go to JoeRogan.net, click on the tour thing, and you can find it all there.

00:07:08.000 We're also brought to you, as always, by Onnit.com. 0.98

00:07:10.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. If you've heard this commercial before, I'm so sorry.

00:07:17.000 I have to just keep saying it.

00:07:18.000 There's no new way to say it.

00:07:20.000 What is on it?

00:07:21.000 It's a human performance site.

00:07:23.000 We sell foods and supplements and fitness equipment and exercise DVDs, all stuff that we approve, that we enjoy, stuff that I feel is beneficial for fitness, for your strength and conditioning, for your mental clarity,

00:07:39.000 for even new mood, which actually boosts your mood, elevates your serotonin levels, healthy and natural.

00:07:46.000 But you're not supposed to take it if you're on SSRIs, because SSRIs essentially do a chemical version of the same idea.

00:07:55.000 Boost your chemicals in your brain.

00:07:58.000 And New Mood can do it naturally, but I don't know what you need. 0.98

00:08:01.000 If your doctor's got you on some shit, either that's good, it may very well be good, or maybe you should try to do it naturally. 0.98

00:08:10.000 Either one. 1.00

00:08:11.000 You would have to know that, not me.

00:08:12.000 You might need it.

00:08:13.000 I really have no idea.

00:08:15.000 I've met people that absolutely need antidepressants and they've used it and it's changed their life and made them happy.

00:08:21.000 So I would never say.

00:08:23.000 I'm addicted to this one.

00:08:24.000 It's great stuff.

00:08:25.000 My friend Molly also.

00:08:27.000 This stuff is good if you have a friend named Molly. 1.00

00:08:29.000 Because that bitch will fuck your brain up and drain it dry. 1.00

00:08:32.000 And people are like, who's this Molly you're talking so mean about? 1.00

00:08:35.000 All these people must know Molly.

00:08:37.000 They're all people that enjoy mood supplements.

00:08:40.000 The mood supplements are all, you know, 5-HTP has all been proven to elevate your serotonin levels and makes you feel better.

00:08:52.000 It's not subtle either.

00:08:54.000 I find it's pretty obvious when I take it.

00:08:58.000 5-HTP I first found out about because of Neil Brennan who told me he was taking like fucking ridiculous amounts of it and he was going off and I don't know if he does it anymore because I think he's on some other stuff too and so you're not supposed to do both of them at the same time but it's interesting stuff look into it though like always if you're interested in taking any sort of supplement that boosts this or jacks up that or any of that stuff look into it because there's controversy behind it you know But I can tell you that everything that we have on Onnit is something

00:09:28.000 that either I use, or I would use, or I buy, or something that I feel is beneficial.

00:09:34.000 So that's Onnit.com.

00:09:35.000 Use the code name ROGAN. Save yourselves the money, bitch! 1.00

00:09:38.000 Are you still going to do the kale shakes? 1.00

00:09:40.000 Did you take one today?

00:09:41.000 I did not take one, but I, you know, what he said is if I take it with calcium, he said it kills.

00:09:45.000 Cook, though.

00:09:46.000 No, no, no.

00:09:47.000 He said even if you, you just, if it's raw, as long as it's not calcium, it keeps that other stuff from affecting your body.

00:09:51.000 But he recommends it for cooking for a couple reasons.

00:09:54.000 One, because it kills even more.

00:09:56.000 And two, because it makes it more bioavailable.

00:09:58.000 I still have to, you know, I believe him, but I still have to look into it myself.

00:10:02.000 I've heard so many people say great things about the benefits of kale shakes, but I also heard what you talked about that one time about the bacteria, like fungal growth, similar to what he was talking about.

00:10:12.000 In kale?

00:10:13.000 Yeah, in kale.

00:10:14.000 I eat tons of kale.

00:10:15.000 I do too.

00:10:16.000 Wow.

00:10:16.000 I do too.

00:10:17.000 I drink it.

00:10:17.000 I drink kale shakes.

00:10:19.000 Because I can...

00:10:20.000 I'm not going to eat that much. 0.99

00:10:21.000 There's no way I'm going to eat a giant, you know, 30 ounce fucking... 1.00

00:10:25.000 I mean, if you stack that in a bowl, I'm not chewing all that shit down. 1.00

00:10:28.000 I do. 0.99

00:10:29.000 I eat kale salads like crazy.

00:10:30.000 When I blend it down, though, the amount is massive with cucumber and I use raw ginger and raw garlic and it just...

00:10:36.000 Boom! 0.99

00:10:37.000 It just... 1.00

00:10:38.000 A fucking ass-kicking burst of nutrients. 1.00

00:10:41.000 But Dave Asprey was talking about the potential downsides of eating a massive amount of kale. 1.00

00:10:49.000 It actually has a type of acid in it that is designed to keep it from being eaten by things, to discourage predation.

00:10:58.000 Which kind of makes sense.

00:11:00.000 But I have to read into it.

00:11:01.000 So go to bulletproofexec.com.

00:11:04.000 A lot of people think that guy is always trying to make money. 1.00

00:11:06.000 He has so much shit online for free. 1.00

00:11:08.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:11:09.000 His website has hundreds of thousands of little things on it for free. 0.68

00:11:13.000 And he's had it up for years before he started making his own coffee and selling it and all that other stuff.

00:11:19.000 But he wrote something about upgrading the kale shake.

00:11:23.000 And so if you're into kale shakes, you should read that because it's scientifically very fascinating.

00:11:27.000 I have to read it and then read The Opposing and you know how it is. 1.00

00:11:31.000 You gotta look into that shit, yo. 1.00

00:11:34.000 That's it, you fucks. 1.00

00:11:35.000 Eddie Ift is here. 1.00

00:11:36.000 You might know him.

00:11:37.000 You might not.

00:11:38.000 You might be in love with him. 1.00

00:11:41.000 But we're gonna talk some shit. 0.99

00:11:42.000 And we're gonna get to the bottom of things. 0.99

00:11:48.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:11:55.000 Boom, Eddie Ift.

00:11:57.000 Boom.

00:11:58.000 That's what I'm saying, buddy.

00:11:59.000 Boom.

00:12:01.000 How are you guys? 0.97

00:12:02.000 I'm fucking groovy. 0.73

00:12:04.000 How are you doing? 0.92

00:12:05.000 Doing good.

00:12:06.000 Every now and then, I need to see something online to let me feel like I'm okay.

00:12:12.000 You know, you get a little self-critical, and then you read about someone online. 0.98

00:12:17.000 This might be one of the wackiest fucking things anybody's ever sent me. 0.98

00:12:20.000 This dude's on National Geographic Taboo. 0.99

00:12:23.000 It's a fake paraplegic who...

00:12:26.000 He used to be a woman. 0.99

00:12:29.000 He used to be a man, rather, and then became a woman, and then faked being a paraplegic.

00:12:35.000 Wow.

00:12:36.000 Yeah.

00:12:37.000 Wow.

00:12:37.000 What?

00:12:39.000 Wow. 0.98

00:12:40.000 She had a secret, and the secret was that she's a fake paraplegic. 0.99

00:12:43.000 She went around in a wheelchair pretending to have a spinal cord injury, fooling everyone. 1.00

00:12:49.000 You think you know weird people in your life, and then you read about these randoms that it's like, that's beyond anything the craziest, weirdest people I know could comprehend.

00:13:00.000 She's not a dummy. 1.00

00:13:01.000 She's a fucking PhD. 1.00

00:13:03.000 She's a chemist. 1.00

00:13:05.000 She lives in Salt Lake City and used to be a man.

00:13:08.000 Right.

00:13:09.000 Decided to become a woman and then decided to fake that she was paralyzed. 0.97

00:13:13.000 Maybe she's doing an experiment. 0.81

00:13:14.000 I don't think so.

00:13:16.000 You can't put those two things in the same category, though.

00:13:19.000 You know, like...

00:13:20.000 I don't know.

00:13:21.000 She could have made herself a paraplegic if she wanted to. 0.99

00:13:25.000 Maybe she was molested by a goldfish. 1.00

00:13:28.000 What?

00:13:30.000 Did you just say everything that comes to your mind, man?

00:13:32.000 Really?

00:13:33.000 Why would you be molested by a goldfish make you pretend to be paralyzed?

00:13:37.000 Who would molest you to do something crazy like that?

00:13:41.000 I always think it comes back to being molested for the most part. 0.61

00:13:45.000 People act crazy.

00:13:47.000 Do you really?

00:13:49.000 It does a lot of times.

00:13:50.000 You hear that.

00:13:51.000 But it's usually sexual.

00:13:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:13:53.000 When they've been molested, don't they usually act out in a sexual way?

00:13:55.000 There's a lot of different things like borderline personality disorder.

00:13:58.000 That comes from sexual abuse?

00:13:59.000 That comes from sexual abuse a lot of times, yeah. 0.98

00:14:03.000 I had a friend who loved dating girls who had been abused because he said they were always the craziest in bed.

00:14:08.000 I used to have a bit about it.

00:14:09.000 I said when you have sex with like a really, really like A girl that's just so good in bed, I go, all I want to do, I go, I want to enjoy it, but I just want to say, like, which uncle do I have to thank for this?

00:14:21.000 Because, no, there is this, like... 0.96

00:14:24.000 Sometimes like the craziest, craziest, best sex you've ever had. 0.98

00:14:28.000 Do you open with that bit? 0.99

00:14:29.000 No.

00:14:29.000 Is that how you get your party started?

00:14:30.000 No, but I had sex with a chick who, it was the craziest sex I've ever had in my life. 1.00

00:14:35.000 And she was a squirter. 1.00

00:14:36.000 She was like, it was insane. 1.00

00:14:38.000 And she was fucking me this one day. 1.00

00:14:41.000 And she goes, fuck me harder, fuck me harder. 1.00

00:14:44.000 And I went... 1.00

00:14:45.000 I'm fucking you as hard as I can. 1.00

00:14:46.000 And then she swatted me across the face. 1.00

00:14:49.000 Like, hard.

00:14:51.000 And I just went, stop.

00:14:52.000 You gotta go.

00:14:53.000 I'm like, get out of my house. 0.99

00:14:55.000 Like, you just fucking cracked me. 0.99

00:14:57.000 And I was like... 1.00

00:14:58.000 What a risk taker that bitch is. 1.00

00:15:00.000 And she just started bawling. 1.00

00:15:02.000 And I go, why are you crying?

00:15:05.000 You just hit me.

00:15:06.000 I should be crying.

00:15:07.000 You hit me so hard. 0.99

00:15:08.000 She goes, oh, and we start talking, and the next thing you know, her grandfather molested her and all this stuff, and she became a prostitute. 0.99

00:15:17.000 Oh, God. 0.99

00:15:17.000 After you? 0.99

00:15:18.000 After me.

00:15:20.000 After slapping. 0.99

00:15:21.000 You sent her to prostitution with your rejection. 0.99

00:15:22.000 I've sent two girls to prostitution. 1.00

00:15:24.000 Oh, my God.

00:15:25.000 What's their number?

00:15:26.000 I don't think I sent them.

00:15:28.000 Uh, one chick, uh, I just dated her for a while, and then, like, years later, we remained friends, and she was hot, so hot. 0.80

00:15:36.000 Model, like, smoking hot.

00:15:38.000 And she calls me, and she goes, uh, like, probably the hottest girl I ever dated, and she goes, um, I was in New York.

00:15:46.000 Let's get together.

00:15:46.000 Let's have a drink.

00:15:47.000 Just friends because it was over.

00:15:48.000 And having a drink and she said – I said, I'm looking for a place in New York, like a room to rent just because I go back and forth from LA to New York.

00:15:56.000 She goes, why don't you come live with me?

00:15:57.000 And I'm like, I don't want to share a room with you.

00:15:59.000 That's not – I'm doing that.

00:16:00.000 She doesn't know.

00:16:00.000 I got a two-bedroom.

00:16:01.000 I go, where?

00:16:02.000 She goes, 57th Street.

00:16:03.000 I'm like, who lives on 57th Street?

00:16:05.000 Like that's like serious real estate.

00:16:08.000 I go, you're always getting kicked out of the country.

00:16:11.000 You have no money.

00:16:12.000 She goes, I got 90 grand in the bank.

00:16:14.000 I go, where'd you get 90 grand?

00:16:16.000 She goes, this other model I know said, hey, you want to go to Miami for the weekend? 0.97

00:16:21.000 She goes, we went down.

00:16:22.000 We partied with these guys.

00:16:23.000 We did coke all night.

00:16:25.000 She goes, I fooled around with her.

00:16:26.000 I fooled around with both dudes.

00:16:28.000 Went home and there was 25 grand in my bank account.

00:16:31.000 I'm like, 25 grand?

00:16:32.000 I'll hook for that.

00:16:35.000 $25,000.

00:16:37.000 Wow.

00:16:37.000 For a weekend.

00:16:38.000 It must be nice to be like a billionaire baller dude who could just order up some $25,000 girls. 0.95

00:16:44.000 $25,000.

00:16:45.000 Wow.

00:16:46.000 For a weekend they paid.

00:16:47.000 This is Bali.

00:16:48.000 Where was this at?

00:16:49.000 Miami.

00:16:50.000 Miami.

00:16:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:51.000 There's girls that go in that one country wherever Sex and City was. 1.00

00:16:54.000 Oh, Bahrain or Dubai.

00:16:56.000 And there's so many girls that have turned down the $25,000 offer from some king that just like... 1.00

00:17:01.000 It just hits all the ladies, like $25,000 a week, you know, in there. 1.00

00:17:05.000 But I know so many people that have turned it down, but I also know a couple girls that have done it, and that's just fucking crazy. 0.90

00:17:11.000 I think there's quite a few of those guys out there.

00:17:13.000 Well, I've been to Dubai a number of times, and there's $50 ones there. 0.99

00:17:18.000 $50 for a prostitute. 0.90

00:17:20.000 Yeah, but what I'm saying is that these guys that get girls from America and have them shipped over there. 1.00

00:17:24.000 Oh yeah, that's crazy shit. 0.99

00:17:25.000 That kind of money, that's a weird reality, you know, when you have, like, trillions of dollars. 1.00

00:17:31.000 Like, there's people who are, like, I think as far as private wealth is concerned, like, what we know and you see, like, the richest man in the world.

00:17:37.000 Meh, not really, okay?

00:17:39.000 Because what you're getting is the richest man in the world who has assets that are measurable, like in the stock market.

00:17:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.83

00:17:45.000 When you're dealing with kings, you don't have any fucking idea how much those guys have. 0.83

00:17:50.000 You don't know. 0.98

00:17:51.000 Why should you know?

00:17:51.000 I got a buddy who is...

00:17:52.000 They have a bank.

00:17:53.000 I got a buddy who's a billionaire, a real live billionaire and never knew he had money for years.

00:17:59.000 He was just my friend's friend and never knew. 0.99

00:18:02.000 We hung out in New York and everything and then one day I was reading about his family in the newspaper and I went, holy fuck. 0.99

00:18:09.000 And I called him on the phone. 0.99

00:18:10.000 I'm like, you have money.

00:18:11.000 He's like, yeah.

00:18:11.000 I'm like, no, no, no.

00:18:12.000 You have like… Fucking money. 1.00

00:18:16.000 His family does. 1.00

00:18:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:18.000 And I said, this is bullshit. 0.99

00:18:19.000 We have never gotten to take advantage of this. 1.00

00:18:21.000 I said, you have like crazy fuck you money. 0.99

00:18:25.000 So years later, he came into the money like where it was his. 1.00

00:18:30.000 Ew, that's so creepy.

00:18:31.000 Just sitting around, lazy, waiting for it to happen, waiting for someone to die off.

00:18:35.000 Well, no, he worked hard, but someone did die. 0.99

00:18:37.000 I don't want to give away who he possibly is, but in one year, he went from fucking Zenith to Nader. 0.98

00:18:45.000 Like, he... 0.98

00:18:46.000 Straight to rehab.

00:18:48.000 In a year?

00:18:49.000 In a year from when he took over the money to...

00:18:53.000 He would call me and be like, I'm in Vegas.

00:18:55.000 I got the top floor of the Wynn rented.

00:18:57.000 I got slip and slides down the hallway. 0.99

00:18:59.000 There's strippers and hookers everywhere. 1.00

00:19:02.000 And we got midgets in stormtrooper outfits serving us drinks. 0.99

00:19:06.000 And he'd be like, I'll have a private jet picking you up.

00:19:08.000 Get here now! 0.98

00:19:09.000 How much money did he inherit?

00:19:11.000 About five billion dollars.

00:19:13.000 Yeah.

00:19:15.000 Oh my goodness.

00:19:16.000 Oh my goodness.

00:19:18.000 And he's not fun anymore.

00:19:19.000 That's the best clip right there.

00:19:21.000 He's not fun anymore.

00:19:22.000 That's a complete ball changer. 1.00

00:19:25.000 God damn. 1.00

00:19:26.000 He's not fun. 1.00

00:19:27.000 Five billion dollars.

00:19:28.000 It's the one guy that like...

00:19:29.000 Why is he not fun?

00:19:30.000 Because the rehab kind of...

00:19:31.000 He killed it. 0.95

00:19:32.000 Yeah, killed it. 0.90

00:19:32.000 No, he only needed a year before he went into rehab? 0.90

00:19:34.000 Yep.

00:19:35.000 Wow, that's hilarious.

00:19:36.000 And what was it for?

00:19:37.000 Coke?

00:19:38.000 He was smoking crack.

00:19:40.000 Oh.

00:19:41.000 Like the mayor of Toronto.

00:19:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:43.000 Have you seen that shit? 1.00

00:19:44.000 No. 1.00

00:19:44.000 Have you seen the mayor of Toronto got busted smoking crack? 1.00

00:19:47.000 No.

00:19:47.000 It's hilarious.

00:19:48.000 They have pictures of him smoking crack.

00:19:50.000 He took pictures of people while he was smoking crack. 0.67

00:19:52.000 The mayor of Toronto apparently is a hoot. 1.00

00:19:55.000 He's just a fucking wild man. 1.00

00:19:56.000 And he's out there, like, in the hood, smoking crack. 1.00

00:20:01.000 The mayor!

00:20:01.000 Well, that was Barry.

00:20:02.000 Barry from D.C. was smoking crack.

00:20:04.000 I guess this guy feels like if Mary and Barry can do it, why can't a white guy do it?

00:20:08.000 I never...

00:20:09.000 My old partner on my radio show in New York would smoke crack.

00:20:13.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:20:14.000 And I heard it when I joined the show.

00:20:16.000 They were like, don't hang out with them.

00:20:18.000 Don't lend them money.

00:20:19.000 Oh, my God.

00:20:20.000 They knew this and he was on the air with you?

00:20:22.000 He was totally functioning.

00:20:23.000 Oh, wow.

00:20:24.000 And we would...

00:20:25.000 He would party hard.

00:20:27.000 He had a gambling problem.

00:20:28.000 He's still on the radio now.

00:20:29.000 I don't want to say his name.

00:20:30.000 Artie Lang?

00:20:31.000 No.

00:20:32.000 That sounds like Artie.

00:20:34.000 I'm pretty sure it's well known, so I'm not saying anything. 1.00

00:20:36.000 Well, say his fucking name. 0.99

00:20:37.000 Nah, just in case. 1.00

00:20:38.000 Danny Bonaduce.

00:20:39.000 No, but anyway. 1.00

00:20:40.000 Who the fuck is it? 0.99

00:20:42.000 The first day. 1.00

00:20:43.000 Look at that.

00:20:43.000 You see that picture of the mayor smoking crack?

00:20:45.000 The first day we went to McDonald's to get lunch.

00:20:48.000 The first day on the air.

00:20:50.000 And he starts talking to me about comedy.

00:20:51.000 And he's like, You make money doing comedy?

00:20:53.000 I'm like, oh yeah.

00:20:54.000 And he's like, can you lend me some money?

00:20:57.000 First day.

00:20:58.000 Oh my god, can you lend me some money?

00:21:00.000 So then one night, he never came to my shows or anything.

00:21:03.000 One night he came to a show at Stand Up New York.

00:21:06.000 Comes to the show, and he's at my show, and I have to do like three shows there.

00:21:10.000 After the first show, he's like all excited. 0.98

00:21:12.000 Oh, this is fucking great. 0.95

00:21:13.000 He goes, let's go out. 0.99

00:21:14.000 Let's go.

00:21:15.000 We're gonna go out.

00:21:16.000 And I'm like, I should probably stick around here.

00:21:17.000 He's like, no, come on.

00:21:18.000 We're gonna go party.

00:21:18.000 We'll come back.

00:21:19.000 Who's that voice you're doing?

00:21:20.000 I'm not telling you who he is, but he left and I never saw him again that night.

00:21:25.000 And we heard a story, he ended up like in the bus station, he was buying crack, he was in a bus station, but he's been fired from every radio station. 0.99

00:21:35.000 Fucking crack. 1.00

00:21:37.000 Crack! 1.00

00:21:37.000 How did you just get into that? 1.00

00:21:38.000 Well, if you had money, why wouldn't you just go straight to the good shit? 0.99

00:21:41.000 Why would you go to like the shitty drink? 0.99

00:21:42.000 I asked my friend and he said, he just, it was such a bad thing for him, he couldn't say no to anything.

00:21:48.000 So when you're around drugs, everything just starts coming around.

00:21:51.000 Like, he would go, okay, I'll try that, I'll try that, I'll try that.

00:21:54.000 Is this when you want sports guys?

00:21:56.000 Is that what you're talking about? 1.00

00:21:57.000 You're such a dick! 1.00

00:21:58.000 The WNEW morning show? 1.00

00:21:59.000 You're a dick! 1.00

00:22:00.000 Sports guys? 1.00

00:22:01.000 You're a dick! 1.00

00:22:02.000 Well, you're the one who's telling me it's in the fight. 1.00

00:22:04.000 You were being very vague about it.

00:22:05.000 I did a bunch about it.

00:22:06.000 How dare you?

00:22:07.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:22:07.000 That's exactly who the fuck it is, you son of a bitch. 1.00

00:22:10.000 We won't say the dude's name. 1.00

00:22:11.000 That's what you're trying to avoid.

00:22:13.000 I just need to know for my own interpretation.

00:22:14.000 I weirdly haven't spoken to him since then.

00:22:16.000 How weird?

00:22:17.000 No, I talked to him this week.

00:22:19.000 Does he look like one, Joe?

00:22:20.000 Like his picture?

00:22:21.000 Look at his picture.

00:22:22.000 I talked to him on Friday or Saturday.

00:22:25.000 Yeah?

00:22:26.000 Yeah.

00:22:27.000 Well, that's nice.

00:22:28.000 First time in like 10 years.

00:22:30.000 Yeah, working with people that are on drugs is very strange.

00:22:32.000 You know, hanging with people that... 0.99

00:22:34.000 I had a friend who had a serious fucking crack, coke, and heroin problem. 1.00

00:22:39.000 Definitely. 1.00

00:22:39.000 And eventually died. 1.00

00:22:41.000 There's a good buddy of mine in New York, and he would fucking vanish. 0.99

00:22:46.000 He would go on benders, and he would always want to get dropped off near a crack house. 0.98

00:22:51.000 It was really crazy.

00:22:53.000 And then he would clean up for a while, and it'd be great, and then he'd go right back at it.

00:22:56.000 Did you ever work?

00:22:57.000 The Kansas City Club, Stanford and Sons. 0.99

00:22:59.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:23:00.000 Those guys. 1.00

00:23:01.000 With Beetlejuice.

00:23:01.000 You know, one of them died.

00:23:03.000 Oh, you know, things happen over here in Kansas City.

00:23:05.000 I'm Craig Glazier.

00:23:06.000 I'm Craig Glazier.

00:23:07.000 I got a Maserati.

00:23:09.000 Things happen in the... 0.94

00:23:10.000 I'm bagging this black chick. 1.00

00:23:12.000 Kansas City. 0.77

00:23:12.000 You gotta see her. 0.77

00:23:14.000 I'm the king of Kansas City.

00:23:15.000 She's pretty hot. 1.00

00:23:17.000 Joe Rogan won't come back here.

00:23:18.000 I don't know why.

00:23:19.000 It's weird.

00:23:19.000 I call him every week and he just doesn't return my calls.

00:23:22.000 I would like to come back to Kansas City, but I don't want to deal with...

00:23:26.000 Those dudes are great to have in your rearview mirror.

00:23:30.000 They need to be known, though, by the world.

00:23:32.000 Well, they're characters, and I appreciate them.

00:23:34.000 I really do.

00:23:35.000 I appreciate all comedy club owners.

00:23:37.000 I mean, I had a good time working for that guy. 0.97

00:23:39.000 He didn't try to fuck me. 0.99

00:23:41.000 No, no, no. 1.00

00:23:41.000 He got along well. 1.00

00:23:42.000 He pays you.

00:23:43.000 Pays you.

00:23:43.000 I mean, yeah, I meant financially.

00:23:46.000 I meant financially.

00:23:47.000 I mean, I've had issues before. 0.99

00:23:49.000 I mean, these guys to this day that I'll never forget, you know, and these are a couple of guys I still work for that tried to fuck me, and they didn't get away with fucking me, but I know the fact that they tried to, and it's like, come on, man. 0.91

00:23:59.000 You know, lies about how many tickets are sold and you find out, or, you know, there's clubs that, there's a famous story of a guy on stage at a club, and he makes everybody in the club count off a number. 0.99

00:24:14.000 I'm like, well, first of all, what a douchebag he is to use his stage time to find out if he's getting fucked financially. 0.98

00:24:22.000 But the fucking, it was 200 seats under what he thought it was. 0.99

00:24:27.000 Like, he looked out and he's like, this is not 300 fucking seats, man. 0.99

00:24:31.000 And the guy's like, it's 300 seats. 0.98

00:24:33.000 What are you gonna tell me?

00:24:33.000 You know, we got door deals, your money...

00:24:35.000 And he was wrong.

00:24:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:37.000 The comedian was right by 200 seats.

00:24:40.000 Oh, the comedian was right. 0.99

00:24:41.000 The club tried to fuck him by 200 seats. 0.99

00:24:46.000 I heard a comic at one of the clubs, one of the clubs I was working, that a comic came through... 0.99

00:24:53.000 And he would take so many comps.

00:24:55.000 They would sell it out and he was on a guarantee and then they would take like 40 comps or whatever.

00:25:00.000 And then his manager would be outside scalping the comps.

00:25:05.000 Oh my god.

00:25:06.000 Was it Barry Gatz?

00:25:08.000 No, but I love that story.

00:25:10.000 That's hilarious.

00:25:11.000 That sounds normal.

00:25:12.000 That sounds like a guy trying to hustle.

00:25:14.000 Hey, you gotta make money.

00:25:15.000 What are you gonna do?

00:25:16.000 You know?

00:25:17.000 Maybe he's managing a guy that's not on TV yet.

00:25:19.000 He needs some cash.

00:25:20.000 No, this guy was a big name.

00:25:21.000 Hey, maybe he's got bills, you know?

00:25:23.000 He's got a little overhead.

00:25:25.000 He wants to make an extra...

00:25:27.000 I mean, what are they?

00:25:28.000 Let's say $40 a ticket.

00:25:29.000 Hey, look!

00:25:29.000 I got pills to pay.

00:25:31.000 I got bills to pay.

00:25:32.000 Do you guys ever count?

00:25:33.000 I mean, I've done that before where I sit in the back and just try to count.

00:25:37.000 Like, I have a rough number at least.

00:25:39.000 Yeah, absolutely I do.

00:25:41.000 You should do that.

00:25:42.000 Well, you should know how many seats a club has legitimately if you get a deal.

00:25:45.000 But if you don't have a deal, it doesn't matter.

00:25:47.000 You know, if you get paid X amount per week.

00:25:49.000 I've had some shady shit just happen lately where, you know, where I've...

00:25:55.000 Well, you know what? 0.94

00:25:57.000 Think about whether or not you want to say it or not.

00:25:59.000 I know what you're saying. 0.99

00:26:01.000 Like I said, I appreciate comedy club owners because it's a fucking business that I don't want to be in. 0.98

00:26:06.000 No, it's impossible. 0.98

00:26:07.000 I don't want to be dealing with a bunch of guys like us.

00:26:09.000 Could you imagine dealing with a bunch of us every week?

00:26:12.000 That's who you're making your living off of?

00:26:14.000 That's got to be crazy. 1.00

00:26:14.000 You've got to count on Joey Diaz to show up for a weekend or you don't pay your fucking bills. 1.00

00:26:19.000 You know? 0.99

00:26:19.000 You gotta count on this guy to show up and not be crazy. 0.99

00:26:22.000 That guy to show up and not do crack after the first show and then fuck off the last two shows. 0.99

00:26:27.000 The club I just worked at. 0.99

00:26:29.000 The club owner, great guy.

00:26:31.000 And it's a funny...

00:26:32.000 Have you ever heard of this club, Captain Brian's?

00:26:34.000 No.

00:26:34.000 Do you know that, Captain Brian's?

00:26:35.000 No.

00:26:36.000 It's a seafood restaurant in Florida, and the guy brings in the big, big names, and Drew Carey just did it recently, and this guy knows how to market.

00:26:46.000 He knows how to sell tickets.

00:26:48.000 He's in this little island in Florida called Marco Island, and he packs this seafood place, and he sells everyone a dinner, and he's moving up near Naples to a 650-seat location that possibly, if they move the chairs right, they can put 1,100 in.

00:27:04.000 Oh my god.

00:27:05.000 And he's awesome, and he stands by the comics.

00:27:08.000 I love this.

00:27:08.000 Because there was a comic who got in trouble recently, like, got in trouble down there, and the cops were after him, and he stood by him.

00:27:15.000 And the other night, I got in a bit of an altercation at his club, and I thought he wasn't there, and I called him the next day to kind of say...

00:27:23.000 Look, wasn't my fault.

00:27:25.000 Just want to let you know.

00:27:27.000 And they're all like, don't worry about it.

00:27:28.000 He's got your back.

00:27:29.000 Like, he stands behind his comics. 0.95

00:27:32.000 And I thought, you know, they're going to tell me never fucking come back here, blah, blah, blah.

00:27:37.000 And he's one of those good guys. 1.00

00:27:40.000 There's a lot of scumbag. 1.00

00:27:42.000 There's a lot of piece of shit. 1.00

00:27:43.000 Tough business. 1.00

00:27:44.000 The nightclub business is tough.

00:27:46.000 First of all, think about the people that you're dealing with for the most part are drunk.

00:27:56.000 That's true.

00:28:14.000 And then you found out, you know, this is going on and that's going on.

00:28:17.000 And to have comics.

00:28:18.000 The worst people in the world in your place.

00:28:20.000 I think we're not the worst.

00:28:21.000 I think we're second.

00:28:22.000 Behind who?

00:28:23.000 Bands.

00:28:24.000 Really?

00:28:24.000 Yeah, I think bands would be worse.

00:28:26.000 But I think bands get a little more leeway than comics do.

00:28:30.000 I don't know about that, man. 0.99

00:28:31.000 They're expected to fuck up. 0.97

00:28:33.000 They're expected to be wild and crazy, but I know a band, which were main Stone Temple Pilots, and they were hired for a birthday party of a friend of mine, Dana White. 1.00

00:28:42.000 And I was there while that Scott guy, the lead guy, was throwing a fucking temper tantrum in the back about the show has to start in X amount of minutes or they're fucking leaving and fuck this and fuck that. 0.99

00:28:55.000 Wasn't he the heroin addict? 1.00

00:28:56.000 Yeah.

00:28:56.000 They were paying him a shitload of money to be there, and it was really weird because the show starts...

00:29:02.000 And they go, I mean, this is a private party. 0.99

00:29:04.000 Fucking Stone Temple party. 0.99

00:29:06.000 Stone Temple Pilots is at a private party. 1.00

00:29:08.000 Okay, so I don't know what insane amount of money they had to pay them to do that.

00:29:11.000 But I assume it was big money. 0.98

00:29:14.000 So anyway, they come out and are fucking nailing it. 0.98

00:29:20.000 But no one's paying attention. 0.98

00:29:22.000 It's the weirdest thing ever. 0.98

00:29:25.000 Because you got Stone Temple Pilots, and they're on stage, and they're fucking killing it. 1.00

00:29:30.000 That guy is a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:29:32.000 And when I watched it, I was inspired to perform better on stage after watching him do a live show. 1.00

00:29:39.000 But when I tell you there's 10 people on the dance floor, I'm being kind. 0.97

00:29:44.000 There's 10 people in the dance floor and the Stone Temple motherfucking Pilots is on stage. 0.98

00:29:49.000 They didn't know what to do yet because everybody had been sitting down. 0.96

00:29:52.000 Before we brought Stone Temple Pilots up, it was like a Happy Birthday Dana thing.

00:29:57.000 A bunch of people gave speeches and I gave a speech and then I brought up Stone Temple Pilots.

00:30:02.000 So, and then someone says, one of the executives, like, come on everybody, get up, get up, get up.

00:30:07.000 Like, he felt bad that no one was on the dance floor.

00:30:10.000 But it was a strange moment.

00:30:12.000 Like, first of all, people did not expect that Stone Temple Pilots was going to be there.

00:30:15.000 It was a surprise.

00:30:15.000 So it kind of tripped Dana out.

00:30:17.000 It tripped everybody out.

00:30:18.000 They're like, what?

00:30:19.000 And then, boom, these guys go up on stage and people didn't know exactly what to do. 0.99

00:30:25.000 Well, I've talked to guys in bands, and for them, you know, for us, corporates are fucking hell. 1.00

00:30:31.000 Well, you just feel like a whore. 0.98

00:30:32.000 Well, they do too, in bands, and it's tough because when they play a concert, their fans come to see them. 0.97

00:30:38.000 All of a sudden, in that crowd, there might have been maybe a tenth of the people were their fans.

00:30:43.000 Well, they were so badass, it didn't matter.

00:30:44.000 But what did matter is at the end, he had to sing Happy Birthday to Dana.

00:30:50.000 He had to sing it.

00:30:52.000 Happy birthday.

00:30:53.000 You're singing happy birthday, and you're not just singing it.

00:30:57.000 You're singing it to a man.

00:30:58.000 And you have to sing happy birthday to a man, and that's part of the gig.

00:31:01.000 Was it like a slow song, or was it like a rock-out song? 1.00

00:31:04.000 Well, he had his dick in his hand. 1.00

00:31:05.000 So, I mean, you can't sing that fast when you're jerking off. 1.00

00:31:08.000 He just got kicked out, by the way. 0.99

00:31:10.000 Oh, did he?

00:31:11.000 I met him in, you know the bar right next to the Laugh Factory?

00:31:15.000 I forget what it used to be called.

00:31:16.000 Hide or something?

00:31:17.000 Yeah.

00:31:17.000 I was in there one night.

00:31:19.000 And this dude walks up to me and asks me for drugs. 1.00

00:31:22.000 And I look at him and I go, holy fuck, it's you! 1.00

00:31:27.000 And I'm like, how cliche is this? 1.00

00:31:30.000 And I was all excited about it. 0.99

00:31:33.000 I'm like, Scott Weiland just fucking asked me for drugs. 0.98

00:31:35.000 And everyone in there was like, yeah, he asked us too. 0.99

00:31:37.000 He asked everyone here.

00:31:39.000 He just walked around going, you got drugs, you got drugs, you got drugs.

00:31:44.000 I hung out with that dude from Friday last night, the big guy that looks like Ving Rhames but one of his eyes is like silver and stuff like that.

00:31:50.000 You know who I'm talking about?

00:31:51.000 That big, big black dude. 0.99

00:31:53.000 What's his name? 0.74

00:31:55.000 Debo.

00:31:56.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:57.000 I know who you're talking about.

00:31:58.000 He was there with his daughter, like six-year-old, seven-year-old daughter and his wife, and he just came in to hang out for a bit.

00:32:04.000 Came in where?

00:32:05.000 To the comedy store.

00:32:06.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:32:07.000 Like at 1 a.m.

00:32:08.000 If you want to meet famous people, go to the comedy clubs in L.A. That's where they go.

00:32:12.000 There's a lot of that.

00:32:14.000 Bam was there also.

00:32:15.000 Wasted.

00:32:15.000 The Scott Whalen guy, what drugs in specific?

00:32:19.000 I don't want to say, but I think he asked for...

00:32:21.000 I'm not positive, but I think he asked for Coke.

00:32:24.000 Yeah.

00:32:24.000 I think he asked for Coke.

00:32:25.000 That seems like what somebody would ask for.

00:32:26.000 Yeah, because you're not going to ask for heroin.

00:32:27.000 You're not going to ask for weed.

00:32:28.000 No one has heroin on them.

00:32:29.000 Who asks for weed? 0.82

00:32:30.000 You ever have a dude to ask you for weed? 1.00

00:32:32.000 All the time.

00:32:32.000 Really?

00:32:33.000 Yeah, I've had a lot of people ask me for weed.

00:32:34.000 Yeah, but you're hanging around with the brokesters at the comedy store. 1.00

00:32:36.000 No, it's mostly tourists from Canada and stuff.

00:32:38.000 Oh, that's even worse.

00:32:39.000 And I've been accused...

00:32:41.000 Actually, this week, twice, I was accused of being on Coke.

00:32:44.000 Twice.

00:32:45.000 Yeah, I hung out...

00:32:46.000 After my show, I met...

00:32:48.000 These doctors who went to the same university I went to and we started talking and they came back the next night and they were talking to me and something came up about drugs and they were like, oh, you really don't do cocaine?

00:32:59.000 I said, no.

00:32:59.000 And they go, oh, we were sure you were on coke.

00:33:02.000 Your pupils are really dilated and these two doctors thought I was on coke.

00:33:07.000 So then the next night I got in this altercation with this student and he's like, you're on coke, you're on coke!

00:33:14.000 No, I'm not.

00:33:15.000 He's like, I'm getting the cops, and I'm like, I'm not on coke.

00:33:17.000 That's hilarious.

00:33:18.000 Yeah, and I'm like, why does everyone think I'm...

00:33:20.000 You're a little energetic.

00:33:23.000 Yeah, they're like, you look like you're on coke.

00:33:25.000 No, you don't.

00:33:26.000 There's a big difference. 0.99

00:33:27.000 People would just like to say shit like that if you have too much energy. 0.98

00:33:30.000 They want to calm you down and slow you down. 0.99

00:33:32.000 It's sort of a subliminal way to get you to stop being so... 0.91

00:33:35.000 If they're getting elevated and you're getting elevated, if they say you're on coke, you automatically try to suppress it.

00:33:43.000 It's a weak checkers move.

00:33:45.000 It's probably what was happening because this guy and I were kind of getting in a fight.

00:33:48.000 He was like, I'm calling the cops here on Cork.

00:33:50.000 Why do you fight so much, man?

00:33:51.000 How many fights do you get in?

00:33:52.000 No, I never fight.

00:33:53.000 I never, ever fight.

00:33:55.000 You just get really close?

00:33:56.000 But no, this one almost happened Saturday night.

00:33:58.000 About what?

00:34:00.000 I walked, I was leaving the comedy club and I'm going to, I rented a scooter.

00:34:04.000 I was on this little island.

00:34:06.000 I rented a scooter. 1.00

00:34:08.000 Oh man, a fucking scooter. 1.00

00:34:10.000 It was so much fucking fun. 1.00

00:34:12.000 I could not. 0.96

00:34:12.000 I'm bad, but I just don't trust those car things that are all around you. 0.96

00:34:16.000 Yeah, but this island, nobody – there are people in golf carts.

00:34:19.000 Oh, okay.

00:34:19.000 So it's isolated.

00:34:20.000 So I see the staff in this bar across the parking lot, this Irish pub, and I thought, I'll go in.

00:34:26.000 They're all really nice.

00:34:27.000 They work – I'll go buy them a round and say goodnight.

00:34:30.000 So I go in to buy them a round of drinks and the bartender kind of loses it, this chick, that it's 1.30 and she's like, ah, last call or whatever. 1.00

00:34:40.000 And I said, I just want to get them a drink.

00:34:41.000 And she – they said, I thought you'd stay open until 2. It's always open until 2. She started yelling at them, and she was being really cunty to every single person. 0.83

00:34:52.000 And I like to think I'm good with people.

00:34:54.000 So I went around the bar and called her to the side to be nice to her and say, hey, I know you might be having a bad night, that kind of thing.

00:35:01.000 I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah.

00:35:02.000 I'm sorry if I ordered a round.

00:35:03.000 It's late.

00:35:05.000 Because really I wanted more limes in my drink that she gave me.

00:35:09.000 And I go, is there any way I can get some more limes?

00:35:11.000 And she was like, really? 0.99

00:35:13.000 You want more fucking limes in your drink? 1.00

00:35:15.000 And I was like, yeah. 0.99

00:35:16.000 And then it just started to get more and more heated where she just was like, Berating me like just and it wasn't it wasn't like this Daniel Tosh like ha ha ha I'm joking kind of thing it was she was just being a cunt to me and I went like this at the end she goes so do you want your limes now and I go no I don't I don't want the limes I don't want anything from you I go because you're a horrible person I go – and I don't say that to anyone. 0.99

00:35:43.000 I go, you're a horrible person. 0.99

00:35:45.000 And I walked over to the other – the staff, and I go, she's the worst person I've ever met in my life. 0.99

00:35:50.000 I go – Well, you got off light.

00:35:51.000 That's the worst person you've ever met?

00:35:53.000 Well, I was exaggerating.

00:35:54.000 You spell horrible with a W? But I kept going.

00:35:57.000 And I said, this person, I said, I don't know what happened to her in her life, who physically or mentally abused her or whatever.

00:36:04.000 I said, I go, I've had murderers on my podcast that are nicer people than her. 1.00

00:36:09.000 I go, I've had a couple people on my podcast that have murdered people.

00:36:13.000 You shouldn't say that probably.

00:36:14.000 And I said, no, no, they've gone to jail and served time and everything.

00:36:17.000 But I go, I, she's the, and I just kept talking to them, but loudly that she could hear it.

00:36:24.000 So she went in the back and started crying.

00:36:28.000 And like I broke her.

00:36:29.000 She – that was it.

00:36:31.000 And so I'm out in the parking lot, and all of a sudden two guys that work in the back of the kitchen come running out at me, and they come like running at me.

00:36:40.000 And I know there were cops in the parking lot. 0.59

00:36:42.000 I go, where are the cops?

00:36:43.000 And I'm just like backing up like looking for the cops because I'm like I'm not going to fight these guys.

00:36:47.000 And then no cops. 0.99

00:36:49.000 So I'm like, oh fuck, this is happening. 0.99

00:36:52.000 And I'm like, they're going to jump me. 0.99

00:36:54.000 You know, this is like some town in Florida.

00:36:56.000 I'm like, I don't know what to do.

00:36:57.000 So I do what I do best.

00:36:59.000 I lied.

00:37:02.000 What'd you do? 1.00

00:37:02.000 I go, you don't want to fuck with me. 1.00

00:37:03.000 I look at the one guy. 1.00

00:37:04.000 I go, you're old. 1.00

00:37:05.000 I'll drop you in one punch. 1.00

00:37:06.000 And I look at the other guy. 0.93

00:37:07.000 I go, I fight MMA, dude. 0.98

00:37:09.000 I'm going to choke you out. 1.00

00:37:10.000 I'm going to kick your teeth in. 1.00

00:37:12.000 I go, when you go out, I'm kicking your fucking teeth in. 1.00

00:37:14.000 And you're going to wake up with no teeth. 1.00

00:37:17.000 And I'm going to ride away on my scooter.

00:37:20.000 And that worked?

00:37:20.000 I didn't mention it as a scooter.

00:37:22.000 It diffused it so quickly because the guy realized that he was like a big fat dude.

00:37:27.000 And the truth is, one-on-one, I could probably...

00:37:29.000 Here's what happened. 1.00

00:37:30.000 The old dude and the fat dude want to fuck the cunt. 1.00

00:37:32.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:37:33.000 That's what it is.

00:37:33.000 They came out to try to get some brownie points.

00:37:36.000 They tried to do some white knight action. 1.00

00:37:38.000 But then the dude goes to pull out of his pocket and I'm like, oh, fuck, he's got a gun. 0.99

00:37:42.000 And I'm like, I should have just run. 0.99

00:37:44.000 I should have just run when they came out.

00:37:45.000 And he pulls out his cell phone.

00:37:47.000 He goes, I'm calling the cops.

00:37:48.000 And I'm like, good.

00:37:49.000 You guys just were going to jump me.

00:37:51.000 I go, get the cops.

00:37:52.000 And he goes, you're on coke.

00:37:53.000 You're on coke. 0.99

00:37:54.000 Because I was getting – I'm like, I'll fucking drop both of you. 0.99

00:37:58.000 I'm like, I'll do it. 1.00

00:37:59.000 You're on coke.

00:38:00.000 I mean – Well, that sounds like a coke move, and you are in Florida. 0.99

00:38:06.000 I mean, to talk some shit and make up a story about you being an MMA fighter, what if the guy was like, who do you fight for? 0.94

00:38:12.000 I was doing anything to save myself from fighting, because I was like, I do not want to fight these two guys, because my thing is, I never want to go to jail. 0.98

00:38:21.000 I'm not.

00:38:22.000 I'm claustrophobic.

00:38:23.000 I don't want to get locked up.

00:38:24.000 Well, especially when the cops don't know the whole story.

00:38:26.000 Exactly.

00:38:26.000 And you don't know if the guy's going to be a friend of the cops.

00:38:29.000 Yeah, and a small town like that.

00:38:31.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:38:31.000 And easily the cops could beat the fuck out of you. 0.99

00:38:33.000 And I had just heard that day about a comedian that was there a few weeks ago. 0.98

00:38:38.000 It's a very funny story.

00:38:40.000 Are you going to name this guy or no? 1.00

00:38:41.000 You motherfucker. 1.00

00:38:42.000 You're full of half-stories. 1.00

00:38:43.000 Alright, I'll tell it.

00:38:44.000 I don't think he'll care even.

00:38:45.000 It was Jeff Dye.

00:38:47.000 Do you know Jeff Dye?

00:38:48.000 He's a good guy.

00:38:48.000 And he's a funny guy and he was on Last Comic Standing and he's got a show on MTV. But Jeff, they were at some bar after the show and they stole a jersey, like framed jersey off the wall.

00:39:02.000 Took it back to the condo.

00:39:04.000 Had these chicks wearing it, taking pictures of it, everything. 0.98

00:39:08.000 Putting it on Instagram.

00:39:09.000 Putting it on everywhere.

00:39:10.000 Oh my god.

00:39:11.000 Then the bar called the cops.

00:39:14.000 Cops got involved.

00:39:15.000 Duh.

00:39:16.000 They bring it back.

00:39:17.000 They apologize and everything.

00:39:19.000 So show's Sunday night.

00:39:21.000 They go back to the bar after the show.

00:39:22.000 They take it again.

00:39:24.000 What?

00:39:25.000 Fly with it to LA. What?

00:39:29.000 Put it back on Instagram. 0.97

00:39:31.000 And then all this shit happened again, and they had to send it back. 0.98

00:39:36.000 Oh my god. 0.99

00:39:37.000 But that happened two weeks ago.

00:39:39.000 So in my head, I'm like, these cops aren't going to like a comedian in the parking lot.

00:39:43.000 Oh, yeah.

00:39:44.000 It looks like he's starting to fight.

00:39:45.000 Yeah.

00:39:45.000 That's a good move.

00:39:47.000 Jeff Dye was the one that attacked Tony Hinchcliffe once on Twitter, calling him out.

00:39:52.000 He attacked him about what?

00:39:53.000 His comedy.

00:39:54.000 Really?

00:39:54.000 Yeah.

00:39:54.000 What about his comedy?

00:39:55.000 It was so long ago, but we did a podcast all about it.

00:40:00.000 You didn't like it?

00:40:01.000 It was something like Tony, if you know Tony's comedy, it's very sarcastic, very dry, very like, almost like Jeffrey Ross, The Burn, because that's what he does for a living, he writes for it. 0.98

00:40:13.000 And he said something like, he was having like a weird set, and then Tony said something like, you know, like, I know I'm a great comedian, so fuck you, or something like that, like sarcastic. 0.97

00:40:23.000 And Jeff started like tweeting things like, Tony, your ego this, or something like that. 0.97

00:40:28.000 I can't remember, but I don't know.

00:40:29.000 It was in a podcast, we did Ice House Chronicles the day it happened.

00:40:35.000 You know, situations like that happen when a guy just decides to go after another comedian.

00:40:40.000 Right, it's kind of weird.

00:40:42.000 Why would you do that?

00:40:43.000 It's a douchebag detecting device.

00:40:45.000 That's what it is.

00:40:46.000 It's like when a guy flares up like that, like, oh, you've been trying to hold that douchebag down, haven't you? 0.96

00:40:51.000 But look, it just flared. 0.99

00:40:52.000 You saw a guy say something and you decided it was time to cunt it out. 0.98

00:40:56.000 I'm amazed when guys do it because I've always been under the impression that if I don't like you, I'll say I don't like you. 0.97

00:41:02.000 Well, that's a thing too. 1.00

00:41:03.000 You're like, a guy's bombing and he says, I know I'm a great comedian, so fuck you guys. 1.00

00:41:06.000 That's kind of a funny thing to say and you just decide to go and attack him. 1.00

00:41:10.000 Why are you doing it?

00:41:11.000 You're doing it because you're insecure.

00:41:12.000 That's the only reason why anybody does that.

00:41:14.000 I always thought there was kind of a code of ethics among comics.

00:41:17.000 To not go after each other like that?

00:41:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:41:19.000 Well, especially when you're fucking around. 1.00

00:41:21.000 You know, I've heard people talk shit about guys that went on stage and were trying out new material. 1.00

00:41:26.000 Like, oh, this new material fucking sucked. 1.00

00:41:28.000 It was terrible. 0.99

00:41:29.000 Like, how about you don't even write any new material, all right?

00:41:31.000 You're making fun of a guy who's up there and, you know, maybe it didn't go well. 0.97

00:41:35.000 You know, maybe he tried some shit out and it didn't go well. 1.00

00:41:37.000 But what the fuck, man? 1.00

00:41:38.000 You know, for you to... 1.00

00:41:39.000 Are you pretending you don't know what that's like?

00:41:41.000 What does it say?

00:41:42.000 Here's what he said. 0.80

00:41:43.000 And the winner for the most disgusting display of arrogance is Tony Hinchcliffe. 0.82

00:41:47.000 False sense of fame.

00:41:49.000 Oh, what's wrong?

00:41:50.000 And Tony says, oh, what's wrong, pouty pants. 1.00

00:41:52.000 And then he wrote back, Tony, you told the crowd I taped TV today, so if this goes bad, fuck you. 1.00

00:41:57.000 That's funny. 1.00

00:41:58.000 That's the same.

00:42:00.000 It's a joke.

00:42:01.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:42:03.000 That sounds exactly like how Tony Chinchcliffe does his whole act.

00:42:06.000 Sounds like there was more, though, behind that.

00:42:09.000 No, there wasn't.

00:42:09.000 I asked Tony.

00:42:10.000 He's like, I don't even.

00:42:11.000 Really?

00:42:12.000 Yeah.

00:42:12.000 Well, Tony's got notoriety right now.

00:42:14.000 He's working for the Burn.

00:42:15.000 He's doing well.

00:42:16.000 That was one thing that I've always noticed. 0.98

00:42:18.000 Whenever a comic would break away from the pack, you would always see a flood of guys talking shit about him. 0.98

00:42:24.000 Especially in the early days. 0.92

00:42:26.000 Like the first guys to get sitcoms and the first guys to get...

00:42:30.000 I remember having conversations with people and I'm like, why do you care?

00:42:34.000 How does it affect you if this guy is not funny but he's doing really well?

00:42:38.000 Somebody obviously likes them.

00:42:40.000 Yeah, I've always, whenever I feel anger towards a comedian, I always try to look at myself and say, am I angry at them or am I angry at myself because I'm not doing what they're doing?

00:42:49.000 Am I angry because I don't have the sitcom?

00:42:50.000 Am I angry because I'm not doing that festival?

00:42:54.000 For sure, there's that.

00:42:55.000 And you know what?

00:42:56.000 For sure, people have different tastes, too.

00:42:58.000 And if I don't like something, it doesn't mean it's not good.

00:43:01.000 I was in a car the other day, and some guy tried to play some band for me.

00:43:05.000 And he's playing it loud.

00:43:07.000 I'm like, oh my god.

00:43:08.000 I'm going to open this door and jump.

00:43:10.000 I'm like, this is terrible.

00:43:12.000 This music is terrible.

00:43:13.000 And he's like, they're a cool new indie band from Seattle.

00:43:16.000 I'm like, they need to stop.

00:43:17.000 They need to stop right now.

00:43:19.000 I'm like, this is nails on a chalkboard. 0.99

00:43:20.000 But to him, this was some cool shit that he wanted to play me. 0.98

00:43:24.000 You know? 0.97

00:43:25.000 And I... Look, Eddie Bravo doesn't like Leonard Skinner.

00:43:28.000 Okay?

00:43:29.000 I try to play some Leonard Skinner.

00:43:30.000 Eddie Bravo doesn't want to hear Leonard Skinner.

00:43:32.000 You know, I can play it for Ari Shafir, who's got, like, the shittiest... 0.94

00:43:35.000 He likes Lana Del Rey, and he only listens to it when he's naked.

00:43:39.000 But, like, his sense of music...

00:43:41.000 I'm not into his type of music, but I can play him some Leonard Skinner.

00:43:44.000 At least he can understand it.

00:43:45.000 Eddie Bravo is, like, my best friend.

00:43:47.000 Doesn't even...

00:43:48.000 Like Leonard Skinner.

00:43:49.000 But I think people are more understandable, understanding about that with music.

00:43:53.000 They're not with comedy where they go, he's bad.

00:43:55.000 People always say to me, is he funny?

00:43:56.000 And I go, it's not my thing.

00:43:58.000 But I'm not going to say if he's not funny or not.

00:44:01.000 That's like going, he's not musical.

00:44:02.000 It's like one of the things that comes up when you're developing an act and developing an audience. 0.99

00:44:07.000 It's like when you first go on stage, like the first years, like the first 10 plus years of your comedy career, most likely the people have no idea who the fuck you are. 0.94

00:44:15.000 And so you, although you might have your own shit that you would like to talk about, you gotta, like, get into their head first with some fairly neutral or homogenous or confidence-building stuff so that then you can take them into deeper waters once they already like you. 0.93

00:44:32.000 So it will take, like, a lot longer to, like, get to it. 0.66

00:44:36.000 You know, so there's, like, there's a benefit, like, as a comic to that, and that benefit is that you're learning how to craft material and you're learning how to Pull people in.

00:44:45.000 You're learning how to not lose them with controversial stuff in the beginning that would work if you did it 15, 20 minutes in instead of your first bit.

00:44:53.000 I think that a lot of times when you're seeing new and upcoming comedians, there's a lot of frustration going on.

00:45:03.000 There's a lot of rejection.

00:45:06.000 Everybody's trying to put it together and get something to happen. 0.99

00:45:09.000 So there's all this fucking tension. 0.99

00:45:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:11.000 So when a guy like Tony Hinchcliffe's doing good, fucking arrogant, you fucking bullshitter. 1.00

00:45:16.000 How long's Tony been around? 1.00

00:45:18.000 Not that long.

00:45:19.000 No.

00:45:19.000 Not that long.

00:45:20.000 Seven years?

00:45:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:45:21.000 He's fucking good, man. 0.99

00:45:22.000 I'll tell you, I took that kid to Indianapolis. 0.99

00:45:24.000 He was really funny.

00:45:26.000 Yeah.

00:45:26.000 He made me laugh.

00:45:27.000 I've never seen him laugh.

00:45:28.000 He destroyed in La Jolla this week. 0.99

00:45:29.000 Ad-libbing a bunch of shit about the situation, like something that happened on stage. 0.99

00:45:34.000 I've only seen him on the Ice House Chronicles. 0.99

00:45:37.000 I did when we sat there and he did impressions.

00:45:41.000 Oh, he does a lot of Brody impressions.

00:45:44.000 No, but they were like dead on.

00:45:46.000 He's good.

00:45:47.000 Like dead on.

00:45:48.000 He's a funny kid.

00:45:49.000 I always like comics that can do impressions of other comics that no one likes.

00:45:53.000 This other guy, you know, he's just frustrated.

00:45:55.000 That's what it is.

00:45:56.000 It's just, that's... 0.98

00:45:58.000 It's a part of, and you know what, the feel the sting of being recognized for being kind of a cunty bitch, you know, when something like that, that's good for your personality. 1.00

00:46:05.000 You need to know that that type of behavior is loathsome. 0.99

00:46:08.000 And then when people read shit like that, they lash back at you, because they know exactly what you're really doing. 0.99

00:46:13.000 I had it, when I first started comedy and I was in New York, I got a lot of shit too early. 0.99

00:46:18.000 Like, way too early. 0.99

00:46:19.000 A lot of shit? 0.99

00:46:20.000 I know, like festivals and TV shows. 1.00

00:46:23.000 You're a cute little fella. 1.00

00:46:24.000 But I didn't deserve it, and everyone let me know it. 0.99

00:46:27.000 You know, all the comics fucking let me know it. 0.97

00:46:29.000 There's no deserve it. 0.98

00:46:31.000 You know, you get a shot, a lottery ticket pops up, you grab it.

00:46:35.000 There's no deserve it.

00:46:36.000 Because what is the shot for?

00:46:39.000 Is the shot for you doing a sitcom?

00:46:41.000 Because if it is, guess what?

00:46:43.000 Anybody can do that. 0.99

00:46:44.000 It could be a comic that sucks.

00:46:46.000 His comic could be terrible, but if you write good lines for him in a sitcom, you could do it. 0.76

00:46:51.000 I was funnier on news radio than I was in my real act.

00:46:54.000 When I first started doing news radio in 94, I wasn't that good of a comedian.

00:46:58.000 I don't know, I saw you, I always say this, I saw you, I think before I started doing stand-up, I saw you, Sarah Silverman, and I forget who it was, on Caroline's Comedy Hour.

00:47:10.000 And it changed comedy for me because you guys were dirty.

00:47:14.000 And I never saw dirty on TV. It was one of the first things that you could be dirty.

00:47:19.000 And I couldn't believe the shit Sarah was saying. 1.00

00:47:21.000 I couldn't believe what you were saying. 0.99

00:47:23.000 And I was like, oh, I think I want to do this now.

00:47:26.000 Like the fact that this is what I talk about.

00:47:28.000 Let me phrase that. 0.99

00:47:29.000 I had probably like 20 good minutes of fuck jokes. 0.98

00:47:34.000 But I wasn't a real comic, you know what I'm saying? 0.98

00:47:35.000 I could headline, but realistically, did I really have an hour?

00:47:39.000 Not really. 0.91

00:47:40.000 I had an hour, but 40 minutes of it probably sucked.

00:47:44.000 I headlined way before I should have.

00:47:46.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:47:47.000 We all did.

00:47:48.000 I mean, I was capable of doing an hour, an hour, like a year in.

00:47:52.000 But was it a good hour? 1.00

00:47:53.000 No, it was dog shit. 1.00

00:47:54.000 It was terrible. 1.00

00:47:55.000 My third gig ever, a guy took me to Dan Rosenberg.

00:48:00.000 I still see him around sometimes.

00:48:02.000 Dan Rosenberg.

00:48:02.000 I was living in Pittsburgh.

00:48:04.000 He goes, hey, you want to open for me?

00:48:06.000 And I said, yeah.

00:48:07.000 You know, I was doing like open mic spots at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh.

00:48:11.000 He goes, all right, we're going to Oil City.

00:48:13.000 We're playing this VFW. And I was like, all right, we get there.

00:48:16.000 And he goes, so you're going to do 30, 35 and I'll do 45 to an hour.

00:48:21.000 And I went, How long?

00:48:25.000 And he goes, 30 minutes.

00:48:26.000 You got 30 minutes?

00:48:27.000 I went, I got five.

00:48:31.000 Oh my god.

00:48:33.000 Oh, that's a horrible...

00:48:34.000 To a person who doesn't understand how terrifying I am, that's a terrible, terrible feeling.

00:48:38.000 I wrote jokes right there.

00:48:40.000 I was just writing them. 0.99

00:48:41.000 So my point is, when someone was giving you shit, if they were giving you shit saying that, you know, you shouldn't have got that so soon, stop it. 0.99

00:48:47.000 That doesn't mean... 0.99

00:48:48.000 Nobody should have...

00:48:49.000 If it's a sitcom, if that's what you're worried about... 0.96

00:48:51.000 Also, you gotta know, I came up through the Comedy Cellar in New York with all the guys from Tough Crowd and that sense of humor of just shitting on each other. 0.91

00:49:00.000 Yeah, that's great. 0.99

00:49:01.000 And they fucking... 0.99

00:49:03.000 Patrice O'Neal used to... 1.00

00:49:05.000 I would see Patrice.

00:49:07.000 I would walk in the club.

00:49:08.000 If I saw Patrice, I would go back out and go downstairs and come in the other way. 1.00

00:49:13.000 Because you didn't want to fuck him with you? 1.00

00:49:15.000 Oh, he would just fucking kill me. 1.00

00:49:17.000 I love that guy. 0.99

00:49:17.000 He was hilarious. 0.99

00:49:19.000 But it's like, when he fucks with you, it's like an honor. 0.99

00:49:21.000 You know, it's fun. 0.95

00:49:23.000 It's like, people who are not comics will probably never understand that way of interacting with each other.

00:49:28.000 Well, I walked in...

00:49:29.000 We used to do the roasts in New York City.

00:49:31.000 That's like kind of where...

00:49:32.000 I mean, they'd always done roasts, but the kind of...

00:49:36.000 Reinvention of the roast happened through all those guys, Geraldo and all those guys in New York.

00:49:41.000 And the first one I went to, I think it might have been for Barry Katz or for – I forget who it was for.

00:49:46.000 But I walk in and Rich Voss is hosting it.

00:49:49.000 And I walk in and I sit down.

00:49:51.000 I'm all excited.

00:49:52.000 I'm at the roast and he opens and he goes, I'd like to thank all the comedians and Eddie Ift for being here tonight. 0.86

00:49:58.000 And I just fucking melted. 0.98

00:50:01.000 And I was just shitting myself. 0.99

00:50:04.000 And then they hit me like four more times during the roast.

00:50:07.000 And Rich Voss would go, yeah, apparently Eddie Iff just got another development deal.

00:50:12.000 Or his parents just gave him some more money.

00:50:14.000 Eddie was just killing me.

00:50:15.000 And then Bill Burr. 0.99

00:50:17.000 They all fucking smashed me. 0.98

00:50:19.000 And I remember, like, I was going to cry. 0.99

00:50:21.000 It hurt so bad. 1.00

00:50:22.000 Wow, you pussy. 1.00

00:50:24.000 I was demoralized. 1.00

00:50:25.000 And I'm walking out and Tony Woods grabbed me.

00:50:27.000 Do you know Tony Woods?

00:50:27.000 Yeah, sure.

00:50:28.000 Tony goes, dog, what are you doing?

00:50:30.000 Why are you upset?

00:50:31.000 And I go, they just smashed me!

00:50:33.000 And he goes, dude, they're talking about you.

00:50:35.000 Where did you start doing comedy?

00:50:37.000 I started in Pittsburgh.

00:50:38.000 I was there for about nine months and decided, you know, I don't want to be in Pittsburgh.

00:50:43.000 So why were you having a hard time with the way comics roll in New York?

00:50:46.000 Because I went to New York and...

00:50:48.000 You didn't know anybody like that?

00:50:49.000 I didn't know one...

00:50:50.000 No, not really.

00:50:51.000 Pittsburgh wasn't like that and I went to New York and they just beat me.

00:50:54.000 It's Boston.

00:50:55.000 It's Boston too.

00:50:56.000 Boston was ruthless.

00:50:57.000 Patrice and Bill Burr, both of them from Boston. 1.00

00:51:01.000 Those are fucking drunk fishermen. 0.99

00:51:04.000 But like I have that now. 0.99

00:51:05.000 And, you know, I develop that from them and I do it to people and I forget how sensitive people are. 0.93

00:51:10.000 I mean, I just had a guy quit my podcast because I was always fucking with him.

00:51:14.000 What, like a guy you worked with? 0.87

00:51:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:51:17.000 But I fuck with everyone and I don't realize how sensitive people are. 0.99

00:51:21.000 Comics like it. 0.99

00:51:22.000 I love it now. 0.99

00:51:23.000 Me and Joey Diaz will start fucking with each other sometimes. 1.00

00:51:26.000 Insulting each other. 0.99

00:51:27.000 Fake insulting each other.

00:51:28.000 It's so fun. 1.00

00:51:30.000 Like, what are you doing, cocksucker? 1.00

00:51:31.000 You got a fucking Taibo class to go through? 1.00

00:51:33.000 Sit the fuck down, you know? 1.00

00:51:35.000 He'll say shit to you. 1.00

00:51:36.000 And when he insults you, it's funny. 1.00

00:51:37.000 What, you got a fucking kill? 1.00

00:51:38.000 Shake up your ass? 1.00

00:51:39.000 You out here walking around like a fucking Momo. 1.00

00:51:41.000 Sit down. 1.00

00:51:43.000 I live for, when I see Rich Voss, I just love to go head-to-head with Voss.

00:51:48.000 It's fun.

00:51:49.000 It's fun.

00:51:49.000 I enjoy it.

00:51:50.000 It's fun.

00:51:50.000 You know, I remember I was listening to Opie and Anthony, and they're talking about Louis C.K. and Bobby Kelly, or Jim Norton, were talking about how comics interact with each other, and no one could ever understand it.

00:52:00.000 Jim Norton had a slice of pizza, and Louis C.K. just slapped the pizza out of his hand.

00:52:06.000 It said something like, your mother's a cunt, and just walked away. 1.00

00:52:10.000 And Norton just couldn't help but laugh. 1.00

00:52:12.000 He couldn't help but laugh.

00:52:14.000 We used to do a thing at the cellar where if you were looking at anything on paper, like usually the lineup sheet is on the table.

00:52:22.000 If you were looking at it, one of the other comics would grab it out of your hand and crumple it up and throw it on the ground.

00:52:27.000 And so one night, Tony Rock is reading a newspaper article and it's a review of his show or something about him.

00:52:35.000 And Steve Byrne...

00:52:37.000 Walks in, grabs it, crumples it up, and throws it on the ground.

00:52:40.000 And Tony just punches him right in the face.

00:52:43.000 Oh my god.

00:52:44.000 Where was this?

00:52:44.000 At the Laugh Factory?

00:52:45.000 At the Cellar in New York.

00:52:46.000 At the Cellar. 1.00

00:52:47.000 I mean, there was so much shit like that. 1.00

00:52:48.000 He punched him in the face? 1.00

00:52:49.000 Like, for real?

00:52:50.000 Yeah, like, really hit him.

00:52:52.000 They got into a fight.

00:52:53.000 No, I mean, they didn't fight after that.

00:52:54.000 Tony was mad.

00:52:55.000 I talked to Tony.

00:52:56.000 He's like, it's the first time I was ever written up in the paper.

00:52:58.000 And, you know, Tony was a brand new comic. 0.99

00:53:00.000 He fucking crumpled it up. 0.99

00:53:02.000 And I'm like... 0.99

00:53:02.000 Well, you know, but there's a thing at the Comedy Cellar table that says comics only. 0.99

00:53:08.000 Like, there's a table just for the comedians.

00:53:10.000 And it was just every night they would do it to somebody.

00:53:14.000 That's a great idea.

00:53:14.000 You'd be sitting there and they'd grab it and they'd just put it in front of you.

00:53:17.000 A comics only table is a beautiful idea.

00:53:19.000 It's amazing.

00:53:21.000 People can get to you, though?

00:53:23.000 People do come around, but that's what they do.

00:53:25.000 They'll put the little thing in front of them saying, comics only, like, go away.

00:53:29.000 Right.

00:53:30.000 And so they do it to comics sometimes.

00:53:32.000 Oh, no.

00:53:32.000 Like, a comic will sit down and they go, um, comics.

00:53:34.000 People have to understand, like, that sounds rude, but that's the environment required to do good comedy.

00:53:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:53:40.000 Like, you have to also be aware that if you do some cheesy, stupid shit, they're going to call you on it. 1.00

00:53:45.000 So you've got to feel that. 1.00

00:53:46.000 You've got to feel that from those people in the room.

00:53:47.000 And that added pressure...

00:53:49.000 It makes you develop.

00:53:50.000 I was on stage there one night, and you have to, to get to the bathroom, you have to walk past the stage.

00:53:56.000 You're literally one table back.

00:53:57.000 The row runs parallel to the stage.

00:54:00.000 And I'm doing my act, and Jim Norton walks by me, looks at me, and he's as far as you to me right now, and he goes, ugh.

00:54:09.000 He goes to the bathroom, comes back from the bathroom, looks at me again, and goes, double ugh.

00:54:18.000 It just goes upstairs.

00:54:21.000 It's only fun for comedians, man.

00:54:23.000 Regular people, if you did that at work, you'd get sued.

00:54:27.000 You'd get sued.

00:54:28.000 You would lose your gig. 1.00

00:54:29.000 Maybe people fucking can't crack jokes at work. 1.00

00:54:33.000 And there's people that are annoying about that shit, but there's a lot of funny that gets cut out of the workplace. 1.00

00:54:41.000 Do you remember the water balloons at the comedy store, Joe? 0.99

00:54:46.000 Let's not talk about that as if it actually happened.

00:54:49.000 But wouldn't it be cool if somebody might have done that? 0.98

00:54:52.000 If somebody might have launched water balloons with a catapult off the Comedy Store and flew them towards the Sky Bar where there was a bunch of assholes waiting in line to get in, it might have happened. 0.97

00:55:05.000 I can't think of anything funnier. 0.96

00:55:08.000 Launched like 35 miles an hour.

00:55:10.000 I mean they hit them like cars.

00:55:11.000 I've used those things, yeah.

00:55:12.000 These people got hit in the head and their heads would snap back.

00:55:16.000 These are like Paris Hilton's and stuff like that.

00:55:18.000 I have a new respect for everyone at the Comedy Store that was involved in that.

00:55:22.000 I was fortunately on the ground level, so I heard screaming.

00:55:28.000 That's how I found out what was going on. 0.99

00:55:29.000 I heard screaming across the street, and then I see this dude get hit in the fucking head like the Zapruder film. 0.99

00:55:36.000 I mean, his head snaps back. 0.99

00:55:39.000 I mean, it's a fucking quart of water hitting this dude in the face. 0.99

00:55:43.000 It was really kind of fucked up because they had this contraption. 0.99

00:55:46.000 This allegedly happened, by the way. 0.98

00:55:48.000 Allegedly.

00:55:49.000 I don't even remember who was on the roof.

00:55:50.000 It was some employees, though.

00:55:51.000 Allegedly.

00:55:52.000 Who could get in trouble now?

00:55:53.000 Allegedly?

00:55:54.000 I don't remember who it was.

00:55:55.000 And, you know, eyewitness accounts are some of the worst pieces of evidence you're ever going to come across.

00:55:59.000 So the reality is, I honestly, honestly do not remember exactly who did it.

00:56:04.000 It was some employee.

00:56:05.000 But you could, like, put in my mind, it was this guy.

00:56:07.000 And I'd be like, okay.

00:56:08.000 We had a secret show where all the people involved talked about it.

00:56:12.000 I bet there's a lot of people now pretending to be involved.

00:56:14.000 Yeah.

00:56:15.000 Because the cops came to the store, and they were looking for the people, but nobody could figure out what happened.

00:56:19.000 I don't think they even looked on the roof.

00:56:21.000 Did they ever look on the roof?

00:56:22.000 No, I think- Allegedly.

00:56:23.000 Not really happened.

00:56:24.000 That's genius, though.

00:56:25.000 Oh, it was ruthless.

00:56:27.000 But it was stand-up comedians, you know, drunk and high, going, should we? 1.00

00:56:31.000 Yeah, fuck it! 1.00

00:56:32.000 That's awesome. 1.00

00:56:33.000 But we didn't know about it literally until it happened.

00:56:36.000 You know that front area of the comic store?

00:56:37.000 Just shows you how childish comics are.

00:56:39.000 Our sense of humor is so...

00:56:40.000 Like, we used to throw crab apples at cars as kids.

00:56:42.000 That was our...

00:56:43.000 We would take these apples and you would just hit cars as hard as you could as they're driving down the road. 1.00

00:56:49.000 That's some East Coast shit. 1.00

00:56:50.000 Or snowballs. 1.00

00:56:51.000 Snowballs in the middle of winter with snow all over the road.

00:56:54.000 How about snowballs with rocks inside of them?

00:56:56.000 That was a big one.

00:56:57.000 A lot of kids did that.

00:56:59.000 You drive by and you hear your car go BANG! You're like, you motherfucker! 1.00

00:57:03.000 Hit the brakes and then they scatter in three different directions. 1.00

00:57:07.000 We used to set up our escape routes.

00:57:10.000 We had this one where we'd be behind these trees.

00:57:13.000 We'd be behind these trees, we'd throw the crab apples, and we'd kind of try to, once they stopped, we'd kind of show ourselves because we had such an amazing escape route, we wanted them to come after us.

00:57:24.000 Oh my god.

00:57:24.000 We'd run through this guy's backyard and he had a creek through his backyard, like I kind of lived near the woods, and he had a pipe, the creek went in a pipe that went under the road.

00:57:34.000 So there was a fence around his yard and it was like a...

00:57:37.000 If you open the fence, it closed itself.

00:57:39.000 So we had a stick that would keep the fence open, the door.

00:57:43.000 The last guy would kick the stick out so the gate would close if they were chasing you.

00:57:47.000 We'd run down into the creek, through the pipe, and come up on the other side of the road and just watch him looking for us.

00:57:53.000 Oh, that's awesome.

00:57:55.000 And we lived for this. 1.00

00:57:56.000 What if you fell and cracked your ankle and that guy came there and just fucked your face? 1.00

00:58:02.000 Knocked all your teeth out and pulled his fat Quaker Oats box cock out of his pants and just fucked your face. 1.00

00:58:09.000 And your friends, they're a bunch of pussies. 1.00

00:58:11.000 They're not going to help you. 1.00

00:58:11.000 This guy's got a giant hard-on. 1.00

00:58:13.000 He's just been waiting for some kid to throw a piece of fruit at his car so he can find an excuse to punch his teeth out and fuck his face. 1.00

00:58:20.000 He's just got you pinned up against the opening of that tube, that cement tube. 1.00

00:58:24.000 I'm writing this as a movie. 0.99

00:58:27.000 And you now know whether you should rub his balls to make it go quicker. 0.99

00:58:31.000 This is the start of a movie right here. 1.00

00:58:33.000 Should I finger his ass and maybe this guy will come? 1.00

00:58:35.000 Or just... 1.00

00:58:37.000 No, but I did have a cousin.

00:58:38.000 Should I fight it?

00:58:39.000 Would that make him come quicker?

00:58:40.000 I had a cousin who said, you know, he was the older cousin, Ted.

00:58:45.000 Ted Smith said to me, if you get caught, you're on your own.

00:58:49.000 That was the deal.

00:58:49.000 You're on your own.

00:58:50.000 Ted gets caught.

00:58:51.000 Who were you with?

00:58:52.000 Eddie Ift. 0.77

00:58:53.000 I saw some kid beat the fuck out of some other guy who threw a snowball at his car. 0.97

00:58:59.000 Really?

00:58:59.000 Some guys threw snowballs at this guy's car and hit that car.

00:59:02.000 Boom! 0.99

00:59:03.000 Boom! 0.99

00:59:03.000 You see the guy lock up, hit the brakes. 0.99

00:59:06.000 His car shuts.

00:59:07.000 Click!

00:59:08.000 He throws it in the park and he's just sprinting from the moment he gets out of the car.

00:59:13.000 There was no hesitation. 1.00

00:59:14.000 This guy had a fucking plan. 1.00

00:59:15.000 And the kid hesitated for a second and was like, oh shit. 1.00

00:59:19.000 The guy came out way too quick. 1.00

00:59:23.000 If a guy starts running at you, you gotta know when to run. 1.00

00:59:26.000 And this guy was a motherfucker. 1.00

00:59:28.000 He was a tough guy, obviously. 1.00

00:59:29.000 He was an athlete, too.

00:59:30.000 He moved really quick. 1.00

00:59:31.000 Took this guy down and just smashed his fucking face in. 1.00

00:59:35.000 People were screaming, stop hitting him, stop hitting him. 1.00

00:59:37.000 He beat the fuck out of this guy. 0.90

00:59:39.000 I don't, like, I've never had it happen to me where I got hit by anything. 0.95

00:59:43.000 Driving, now.

00:59:44.000 I don't know if kids still do it. 1.00

00:59:45.000 Fuck yeah, they do it. 1.00

00:59:46.000 Are you crazy? 1.00

00:59:47.000 If you leave kids outside and there's snow, they're throwing it at cars. 0.92

00:59:50.000 That's a fact.

00:59:51.000 There's no getting away from that. 1.00

00:59:53.000 But if you throw a rock inside a snowball and you hit someone's car, you kind of deserve to get your ass kicked. 1.00

00:59:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:59:58.000 I never did that. 1.00

00:59:58.000 You shouldn't get killed, you know, but, I mean, someone maybe should scare the fuck out of you and smack you in the face a few times. 1.00

01:00:03.000 A rock's pretty bad, yeah. 0.99

01:00:04.000 Because a lot of kids do that, man. 1.00

01:00:06.000 You're throwing crab apples, you fuck. 1.00

01:00:07.000 Crab apples will dent the shit out of a car. 1.00

01:00:09.000 There was this crazy fucking group of kids in our neighborhood that used to... 1.00

01:00:13.000 Fucked up crazy kids. 1.00

01:00:15.000 And they used to tie a dummy to like a rope. 1.00

01:00:19.000 Up in a tree and swing it across the road in front of cars.

01:00:23.000 Oh my god.

01:00:24.000 Yeah.

01:00:25.000 Oh my god.

01:00:25.000 That's how people die.

01:00:26.000 Yeah, these guys were fucking crazy. 0.99

01:00:28.000 When I was in high school, there was this one dude and he was, I think he went to the rival high school and he was a little older. 0.99

01:00:36.000 So say if I was like 15, he was like maybe 18 or 19 or something like that.

01:00:40.000 And his parents had a lot of money.

01:00:42.000 And folks who grew up in Newton will know this story.

01:00:45.000 Newton, Massachusetts in the 1980s.

01:00:47.000 I guess I was probably a freshman in high school, so it was like 1981. Well, this guy had a Trans Am, like a fucking Burt Reynolds-style Trans Am. 0.98

01:00:54.000 With the eagle on the hood? 0.99

01:00:56.000 And he ran over a dude.

01:00:58.000 And the guy got trapped under his car.

01:01:01.000 And he drove with the body under his car for miles.

01:01:06.000 He just killed the guy by driving with this guy under his car.

01:01:09.000 Yeah.

01:01:10.000 Is he in prison still?

01:01:11.000 Oh, I don't know.

01:01:12.000 I don't know.

01:01:13.000 I don't know if he's still in prison.

01:01:14.000 I know he went to jail.

01:01:15.000 I mean, I know it was a big case.

01:01:17.000 It was all over the...

01:01:18.000 It was in the front page of the Globe.

01:01:20.000 Yeah.

01:01:21.000 It was a big story.

01:01:22.000 My high school has been on...

01:01:24.000 This guy.

01:01:25.000 My high school has been on the cover of USA Today...

01:01:28.000 Like three times in my life.

01:01:29.000 One, it was with our quarterback from our football team, sprained his ankle at a pep rally.

01:01:34.000 And they made a joke about it in like a little blurb that he, at the pep rally, he couldn't...

01:01:38.000 That's not as good as my story.

01:01:40.000 No, but listen to this one.

01:01:41.000 Okay.

01:01:42.000 There was a guy, two, two guys, and I'm really...

01:01:48.000 I'm pulling out of the one right now.

01:01:49.000 I'll tell the one, the other one.

01:01:51.000 I will tell you off air and I'll tell you why. 1.00

01:01:53.000 You are a motherfucker with these fucking half-tell stories. 1.00

01:01:56.000 I kind of told it on my podcast a little bit and had to pull out of it and edit it because he'll find us all and he's an evil genius. 1.00

01:02:03.000 The one dude.

01:02:04.000 But the other dude, his name was Bob Corby.

01:02:08.000 And Bob Corby was the guy, he was like a seventh year senior in high school.

01:02:13.000 And when he would come to school, You would hear about it.

01:02:17.000 Everyone's like, Corby's here.

01:02:18.000 He was the biggest badass back then.

01:02:20.000 What do you mean by seventh year senior?

01:02:22.000 You mean he never graduated?

01:02:23.000 He never graduated.

01:02:24.000 He'd come to school once a month. 1.00

01:02:28.000 But he was the toughest motherfucker ever. 0.99

01:02:31.000 And one time I saw him come down the hall. 0.99

01:02:33.000 And there was like this gang of kids that were the tough kids.

01:02:35.000 And he came down and I was just cutting class.

01:02:38.000 And he grabbed one of them and was just banging his head in the locker.

01:02:41.000 How old was he at the time?

01:02:42.000 He was probably like...

01:02:45.000 19 or something in high school. 1.00

01:02:46.000 What a douchebag. 0.98

01:02:47.000 But the kid he was beating up was probably the same thing. 0.99

01:02:50.000 Like these were the degenerates that just never – they never went to – so he's just abusing this kid.

01:02:55.000 I get so scared I walk straight into a classroom that's going on and the teacher is like, what are you doing?

01:03:01.000 What are you doing in my classroom?

01:03:02.000 And I go, Because I was so scared of what was going on in the hallway that I just went into a random classroom.

01:03:09.000 Well, this dude, cops used to...

01:03:11.000 It was a known thing that the cops said, when you've got to go pick up Bob Corby, you've got to bring a lot of cops because he's that badass.

01:03:18.000 Well, a couple years ago, I see on the front page of the newspaper, I'm sitting on a plane, FBI agents come to his house because he's dealing drugs and his wife blows away an FBI agent with a shotgun.

01:03:31.000 And what happened was...

01:03:34.000 Cops came in.

01:03:34.000 He took the drugs, flushed them down the toilet, ran out the back door.

01:03:39.000 FBI agent says to his wife, we're coming upstairs.

01:03:43.000 She goes, don't come up here.

01:03:45.000 She's got her baby.

01:03:46.000 She's got a shotgun. 1.00

01:03:47.000 She goes, don't come up here.

01:03:48.000 And the FBI agent goes, we're coming up, FBI. And he comes around the corner and she just goes.

01:03:54.000 Oh my god.

01:03:55.000 Now, the argument was going to be like she ended up getting prison. 0.56

01:04:00.000 Bob Corby didn't, so I'm probably dead when I go back to Pittsburgh for telling this, but she – the argument was when drug dealers raid like – Why are you telling this story if you're getting in trouble? 0.99

01:04:11.000 Are you out of your fucking mind and you're telling it on this podcast? 0.98

01:04:13.000 No, I mean, it was all over the newspaper. 1.00

01:04:15.000 I mean, it's a known story.

01:04:17.000 So you're still saying you shouldn't be telling it?

01:04:19.000 No, no, I'm joking.

01:04:21.000 Wow, so she shotgunned the cop.

01:04:23.000 She shotgunned the cop, but the argument is, and if you know from Craig Glazier from Sanford and Sons when he used to raid...

01:04:28.000 Drug dealers, that was how he made his money.

01:04:30.000 He would tell drug dealers that he was a cop and then take all the money.

01:04:33.000 Yeah, that is true.

01:04:34.000 You never know if it's really the FBI. Right, so that was her defense, is that these could have been drug dealers coming to steal money.

01:04:39.000 And they still put her in jail?

01:04:40.000 Yep.

01:04:42.000 She's right in a lot of ways.

01:04:44.000 But why were they looking for him?

01:04:47.000 Because she was selling drugs. 1.00

01:04:48.000 So she must have probably known that, right?

01:04:51.000 She probably thought someone… He had a lot of priors.

01:04:55.000 That is a good excuse, though, that you could have thought another drug dealer was stealing your money. 1.00

01:05:00.000 A woman with a child is a very fucking primal thing. 1.00

01:05:04.000 They'll defend their territory if they have a gun and some guy who may or may not be an FBI agent is coming up the stairs. 0.99

01:05:09.000 And how long did she go to jail for that? 1.00

01:05:10.000 I don't know.

01:05:11.000 I think she's still in.

01:05:13.000 Well, this guy who was the rival guy from the rival high school was like the cool guy because his parents were like really wealthy.

01:05:21.000 So he had a car that was like we were all envious of. 0.95

01:05:25.000 Like if we had a nice car back then, it was an old shitty car. 0.84

01:05:28.000 He had, like, a nice new car. 0.96

01:05:30.000 It was mind-boggling to us.

01:05:31.000 This guy had a 1980 Trans Am or whatever it was.

01:05:34.000 And he drove over somebody.

01:05:35.000 He dragged this guy for, I think it was something like seven miles.

01:05:39.000 And there was a meaty streak for seven miles.

01:05:42.000 I mean, the guy was stuck under his, you know, it's a car.

01:05:45.000 And it's a low car because it's a Trans Am.

01:05:48.000 And the guy got stuck under it and dragged for, like, seven miles.

01:05:52.000 Wow.

01:05:52.000 I dragged a hooker once for about, I'd say like five feet.

01:05:57.000 In a car? 0.60

01:05:57.000 In a car. 0.60

01:05:58.000 Was she hanging on?

01:05:59.000 She tried to put her arm in my window to unlock my door. 1.00

01:06:03.000 Like I put down the window a little bit. 0.99

01:06:04.000 It was like a crack whore. 1.00

01:06:05.000 And I was coming home from a gig and I will admit I had a little bit to drink and I was eating Wendy's. 1.00

01:06:13.000 Were you talking shit? 0.99

01:06:13.000 I had a bag of Wendy's on my lap. 0.99

01:06:18.000 I'm eating and it's like 3 in the morning and This hooker flags me down and I thought like it was an emergency type thing, the way she was like wavy. 1.00

01:06:30.000 So I said, what's going on?

01:06:31.000 And she goes, it's so cold.

01:06:33.000 It's so cold.

01:06:34.000 And I went – and I only put the window down just a crack to find out what was going on.

01:06:37.000 She goes, it's so cold.

01:06:38.000 It's so cold.

01:06:39.000 And I go, huh?

01:06:40.000 And I'm like, all right, this is weird.

01:06:42.000 She goes, Let me in your car. 1.00

01:06:44.000 Let me in your car.

01:06:44.000 And I'm like, I'm not letting this chick in my car.

01:06:46.000 And she goes, come on, I'll give you a blowjob. 1.00

01:06:48.000 And I was like, huh? 1.00

01:06:49.000 And she goes, I'll do it cheap.

01:06:51.000 And then it like all occurs to me.

01:06:53.000 I'm like, oh, hook her. 0.72

01:06:54.000 And by the time I'm about to like put up the window and go, she's putting her arm in trying to unlock the door. 0.99

01:07:01.000 And so I just hit the gas to like get away from her.

01:07:04.000 And this is all a split second. 0.99

01:07:05.000 So my reaction is, fuck, this chick's getting in my car. 1.00

01:07:08.000 And I drive. 1.00

01:07:10.000 And I just see her just get dragged and then thump, thump. 1.00

01:07:15.000 And then in my head, I thought I was that dude.

01:07:18.000 I thought I drove over her. 0.99

01:07:19.000 I'm like, I just fucking. 0.99

01:07:21.000 And there I am in the middle of the ghetto in Pittsburgh and taking a shortcut through. 0.99

01:07:27.000 No one's going to believe me. 1.00

01:07:29.000 They're all going to be like, oh, he just likes to kill hookers. 1.00

01:07:31.000 My question, did you finish your sandwich? 1.00

01:07:34.000 You know what?

01:07:34.000 I think I did.

01:07:36.000 Because what happened was...

01:07:37.000 Did you see her stand up?

01:07:38.000 No, no.

01:07:38.000 I stopped.

01:07:39.000 I look in the rearview mirror. 1.00

01:07:41.000 She's fucking on the ground. 1.00

01:07:42.000 And I'm like, fuck, I killed her. 1.00

01:07:43.000 And I had to make this decision where I'm like, do I fucking leave or not? 1.00

01:07:46.000 And I think we talked about this on the Icehouse Con. 0.99

01:07:49.000 I fucking... 0.98

01:07:50.000 I was like... 0.99

01:07:51.000 I sat there and she stood up. 0.75

01:07:55.000 Finally.

01:07:55.000 Good.

01:07:56.000 And dusted herself off and gave me the finger. 1.00

01:07:58.000 And then I gave her the finger and I drove away. 0.66

01:08:00.000 Wow, you gave her the finger after you almost killed her?

01:08:02.000 Yeah.

01:08:02.000 Weren't you happy that she was alive?

01:08:04.000 I was so...

01:08:05.000 I was like, that's the end of my life.

01:08:06.000 Where's your compassion, though?

01:08:07.000 No one would have left.

01:08:08.000 Why would you give her the finger? 0.94

01:08:10.000 You got off light, man. 0.99

01:08:11.000 You could have been a murderer.

01:08:12.000 You weren't.

01:08:13.000 You should have been like, mwah! 1.00

01:08:14.000 That wouldn't have been...

01:08:15.000 I mean...

01:08:16.000 I would have gone to jail for murder, but I didn't.

01:08:18.000 I don't know about that.

01:08:19.000 But I didn't.

01:08:19.000 I do not think you would have.

01:08:20.000 I don't think you would have, because she kind of attacked you in some ways. 0.51

01:08:23.000 No one's going to believe that, though.

01:08:24.000 Oh, they would believe you. 0.99

01:08:25.000 If you told the story exactly the way you did it, you know, you had a Wendy's bag and you're a Jack in the Box or whatever the fuck it was. 0.99

01:08:31.000 Was it Wendy's? 0.98

01:08:32.000 Yeah.

01:08:32.000 Wendy's in your lap.

01:08:33.000 I mean, it all makes sense.

01:08:35.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:08:36.000 You know, you didn't know this is the spot where hookers are. 1.00

01:08:39.000 Were you from that town? 0.98

01:08:40.000 Yeah.

01:08:40.000 Yeah, but it was like, I... I drove through that area and it was a shortcut, but most people would be like, where are you coming from?

01:08:49.000 Where are you going?

01:08:50.000 It wouldn't have been like, why would you go that way? 0.92

01:08:51.000 There was a lot of car shit that went down when I was a kid that I remember that was like a real lesson. 0.90

01:08:58.000 Like there was a kid that I knew from my town that killed his best friend in a drunk driving accident by the time we were like seniors. 0.98

01:09:04.000 He drove drunk and smashed into a tree and killed his friend.

01:09:08.000 And there was that guy who drove over the guy.

01:09:11.000 There was quite a few of those little situations where someone died.

01:09:15.000 Yeah, when people die young, that's it.

01:09:16.000 It's cars, it's drugs, motorcycles.

01:09:19.000 Another one, a guy that we went to high school with was changing his tire.

01:09:23.000 He changed his tire on the side of the road and someone smashed in his car and killed him.

01:09:27.000 Someone just wasn't paying attention.

01:09:29.000 So those were like three giant lessons that I was very fortunate that I didn't have to get on my own.

01:09:35.000 Like, don't drive drunk.

01:09:36.000 Don't stand on the side of the road changing a tire.

01:09:40.000 You've got to be careful.

01:09:41.000 I'm not proud of it, but I used to drive drunk a lot as a kid.

01:09:44.000 And I was bad.

01:09:45.000 I was really bad.

01:09:46.000 And I don't ever do it now. 0.57

01:09:48.000 I never fucking do it because I'm too afraid. 0.91

01:09:51.000 It's avoidable. 0.97

01:09:52.000 Yeah.

01:09:53.000 But it's really kind of crazy if you stop and think about the fact that drug stores and they have liquor and then there's bars and they have liquor and then there's supermarkets and they have liquor. 0.95

01:10:02.000 If marijuana was as readily available as alcohol, it would be fucking bananas. 0.87

01:10:08.000 Because literally, if you go down Ventura Boulevard in Studio City Every 20 feet you can buy alcohol. 0.99

01:10:15.000 There's like a series of bars and restaurants. 0.99

01:10:17.000 Every 20 feet you can get fucked up. 0.98

01:10:20.000 I'm amazed that I'm still alive. 0.96

01:10:22.000 One time I was at a bachelor party and we left and we were on Lake George in New York and we had to get back to the house where we were all staying and there was like one bar in this town and all these guys piled in this minivan and we were supposed to have two like vans for all the guys but One of the vans had to leave to take a guy to the hospital from the bar.

01:10:42.000 And we were leaving and this Australian buddy of mine that was there jumps on the roof of the car.

01:10:48.000 And I think it's funny.

01:10:49.000 I jump on the roof of the car too.

01:10:50.000 While you're driving?

01:10:51.000 No, this is in the parking lot.

01:10:53.000 And then there's like a whole bunch of guys in the van because it was really crowded.

01:10:58.000 So he goes, ah, I'm getting on the roof. 0.98

01:10:59.000 And I went, ah, me too, just fucking around. 0.99

01:11:01.000 And the guy driving, good friend of mine, Sterling, fucking took off. 0.99

01:11:05.000 And we're on the roof holding on to, like, the rain gutters. 0.99

01:11:09.000 And he drives, it was seven miles, back to the thing, driving fucking fast. 1.00

01:11:16.000 And I'm trying to punch, like, the window with my hand, like, open, slap it, going, slow the fuck, like, you're gonna kill us. 0.98

01:11:24.000 Like, in my head I went, I'm dying because every turn we went around, I had to, like, redistribute my weight on the roof of the car or I was flying off. 0.99

01:11:33.000 And in my head I'm going, this is it.

01:11:35.000 This is how I die for sure.

01:11:37.000 I'm dying.

01:11:37.000 No, you were saying stop?

01:11:39.000 You were saying stop the car?

01:11:40.000 Screaming stops.

01:11:40.000 And what happened to him?

01:11:41.000 There's a van full of guys all screaming faster. 0.99

01:11:45.000 Like, thinking, you know, everybody's shit-faced. 0.99

01:11:48.000 I thought it was funny. 0.99

01:11:48.000 And thought it was hysterical. 0.99

01:11:50.000 And then when we stopped, when we stopped at the house, I was really angry.

01:11:54.000 Like, he did like a donut in the parking lot.

01:11:55.000 We finally fell off.

01:11:57.000 And the, my one friend, of all my friends, only one friend said to me, he's like, He's like, I was practically like crying in there.

01:12:04.000 He's like, I thought you were killing two people.

01:12:07.000 And it could have happened.

01:12:08.000 He's like, he's like everyone. 1.00

01:12:09.000 But I look at the Australian guy next to me and I go, we're going to fucking die. 0.98

01:12:13.000 And he goes, mate, we need a cocktail up here. 0.99

01:12:14.000 Like he was just loving it. 0.99

01:12:17.000 And I'm like, we're going to fucking die for sure. 0.99

01:12:20.000 You fall off a car going, you know, any amount of miles an hour, 20 miles an hour. 0.99

01:12:25.000 We were probably going 55, 60, something like that. 1.00

01:12:28.000 You were dead as fuck. 1.00

01:12:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:29.000 I don't know how we did to die.

01:12:30.000 That is where that football player, that young, what was his name?

01:12:34.000 I forget something, Henry, died falling off.

01:12:38.000 What's it?

01:12:38.000 Chris Henry.

01:12:38.000 Chris Henry, yeah.

01:12:39.000 He fell off the back of a truck.

01:12:41.000 His wife was trying to get away from him. 0.99

01:12:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:12:44.000 And he fell and cracked his head open.

01:12:45.000 Well, I was embarrassed because I kept thinking to myself, this is how I'm going to die.

01:12:50.000 And this is how my parents are going to have to, like, just such a horror...

01:12:53.000 Like, yeah, our douchebag son was on the roof of a car, and I was probably, like, 32 at the time.

01:12:59.000 Oh, my God. 0.93

01:13:01.000 Like, if I was 16, it'd be one thing.

01:13:04.000 Yeah, I thought you were way younger.

01:13:06.000 I'm confused with the timeline.

01:13:08.000 Oh, this is just a few years ago.

01:13:09.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:13:11.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

01:13:12.000 You're hanging out with losers. 1.00

01:13:14.000 You don't like to ghost ride your whip, Joe? 1.00

01:13:19.000 That's ridiculous, man. 0.99

01:13:20.000 Yeah, it was terrifying. 0.97

01:13:21.000 Yeah, you gotta be real careful about what kind of drunks you hang out with, because there's the drunks that try to top one-up each other and try to out-drunk.

01:13:29.000 What is this?

01:13:30.000 Ghost Riding the Whip. 1.00

01:13:31.000 That stupid thing that those kids do, where they get out of the car and dance and stuff while their car's still driving down the street. 1.00

01:13:39.000 Oh, come on. 1.00

01:13:40.000 And it's called Ghost Riding the Whip.

01:13:41.000 You've never seen this?

01:13:42.000 No.

01:13:43.000 Oh, God. 1.00

01:13:43.000 Are people really that fucking stupid? 1.00

01:13:46.000 Is this the one where they fuck it up? 1.00

01:13:47.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:13:48.000 Oh, my God.

01:13:49.000 Okay.

01:13:49.000 See, a lot of times you get on top of the car.

01:13:52.000 Sometimes you dance next to the car.

01:13:54.000 I always go right from behind the car.

01:13:56.000 No way.

01:13:57.000 Have you done it?

01:13:58.000 Yeah, I've actually done it once.

01:13:59.000 Oh! 0.60

01:14:00.000 Oh! 0.97

01:14:00.000 See, he falls, so the other guy's screwed. 0.97

01:14:02.000 The guy can't...

01:14:03.000 But yeah, it runs right...

01:14:05.000 It ran right into the camera guy.

01:14:07.000 Oh, my God.

01:14:08.000 Yeah, that's a good way to die, right? 1.00

01:14:10.000 Because you're filming the most hilarious video ever and your fat friend falls off the fucking hood of the car that's rolling towards you with no brakes on. 1.00

01:14:17.000 That's why I can't believe none... 1.00

01:14:19.000 Only one of the jackass guys has died. 0.99

01:14:22.000 Oh, no! 0.99

01:14:23.000 Is that guy on the highway?

01:14:25.000 Yeah.

01:14:26.000 Oh, my God.

01:14:27.000 Look how fast he's going.

01:14:29.000 The guy's running towards it.

01:14:32.000 Yeah, because they're not going that fast. 1.00

01:14:35.000 Still, it's so fucking stupid. 1.00

01:14:37.000 That's a good spot for it, though, if you're going to do something fucking stupid. 1.00

01:14:40.000 There's an area out in Palmdale where we used to do all the Fear Factor stunts because we would close off this giant stretch of road and we would set semis up on it and people would be on the semis trying to jump from truck to truck and shit like that. 0.99

01:14:54.000 But we would... 0.95

01:14:55.000 Oh, Jesus Christ!

01:14:56.000 Oh, he's not going fast at all.

01:14:57.000 He just jumped right off of that thing. 0.93

01:14:58.000 That's ridiculous. 0.85

01:14:59.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:14:59.000 Yeah, all right. 0.95

01:15:00.000 Stop with this. 0.99

01:15:01.000 You see anybody get really fucked up in Fear Factor? 0.99

01:15:03.000 Um, no. 0.98

01:15:04.000 No, not really.

01:15:05.000 Really?

01:15:05.000 I mean, the worst accident I ever saw was, like, a dude jumping from one boat to another and, like, smashed his face.

01:15:11.000 Wow, that's like Wipeout.

01:15:12.000 Yeah, I mean, he hit it hard, ba-boom, and it looked bad. 0.98

01:15:16.000 Yeah, when I watched Wipeout, I'm like, how do they not fuck themselves up more? 0.89

01:15:20.000 Like, how do they not have a concussion? 1.00

01:15:22.000 Jackass is way scarier than Fear Factor. 1.00

01:15:25.000 Some of the shit those guys did, like when Johnny Knoxville was a fucking, already a movie star, puts a blindfold on, he stands in front of a bull. 1.00

01:15:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:32.000 And the bull sends him flying through the air while he's blindfolded. 1.00

01:15:35.000 Those guys are crazy.

01:15:37.000 Well, do you ever watch Nitro Circus? 0.88

01:15:39.000 No. 0.97

01:15:40.000 Nitro Circus is jackass with talent. 1.00

01:15:42.000 I can't watch that shit. 1.00

01:15:44.000 I find it so impressive. 1.00

01:15:46.000 These guys are like trained...

01:15:48.000 They took the best motocross racer, the best BMXer, the best skateboarder, the best...

01:15:54.000 Everybody that's the best at what they do, and they do stunts. 0.98

01:15:56.000 And they beat the shit out of each other? 0.93

01:15:57.000 No, they do stunts. 0.97

01:15:59.000 They'll jump out of an airplane without a parachute.

01:16:02.000 What?

01:16:02.000 And hook up to another guy with a parachute.

01:16:04.000 Oh my god.

01:16:05.000 But they do these things that I'm like, how are they not dead? 0.99

01:16:09.000 So they're more taking risks, whereas the jackass guys are hurting each other. 0.97

01:16:13.000 Yeah, they're hurting each other. 0.98

01:16:14.000 It's a different scene, because you're talking about guys, like jackass guys put bulletproof vests on and then get shot. 0.97

01:16:19.000 But the risks they're taking, the jackass guys produce, Johnny Knoxville produces Nitro Circus. 0.96

01:16:23.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

01:16:24.000 If you watch it, and Johnny does stuff, and that's where he hurt himself when he fucked up his dick. 1.00

01:16:29.000 What? 1.00

01:16:29.000 Yeah, he had to pee. 1.00

01:16:31.000 I don't know if he still does, but I think he has to pee in a catheter or something.

01:16:34.000 Why?

01:16:35.000 They taught him how to backflip a motorcycle.

01:16:38.000 Oh, God.

01:16:38.000 And Johnny just tried it.

01:16:40.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:16:40.000 And he broke his dick. 1.00

01:16:42.000 The handlebar went straight into his cock. 1.00

01:16:45.000 Oh, Jesus, son. 1.00

01:16:47.000 Brutal.

01:16:47.000 Oh, my goodness.

01:16:49.000 But, yeah, they have this guy, Street Bike Tommy, who is one of the...

01:16:53.000 One of the Nitro Circus guys, and he's kind of their fat guy that they make fun of.

01:16:56.000 I've tried to have him on the podcast, and he's like, yeah, when I come to California, I'll do it.

01:17:01.000 But the other day, he Instagrammed a picture.

01:17:04.000 He just cut his finger off.

01:17:06.000 And it's the grossest picture ever.

01:17:10.000 But he...

01:17:11.000 They make him do all these things and he's not talented like they are.

01:17:16.000 And so whenever there's like something fun...

01:17:18.000 They're the slip and slide guys.

01:17:19.000 Have you ever seen their crazy... 1.00

01:17:21.000 I told you I don't watch that shit. 1.00

01:17:22.000 I don't want to watch idiots doing stupid shit and they're going to get them hurt. 1.00

01:17:25.000 It's phenomenal. 1.00

01:17:26.000 To you.

01:17:27.000 I don't like that stuff.

01:17:29.000 I get it, you know, but I don't like it.

01:17:31.000 I want to watch guys run into walls and break their face.

01:17:34.000 No, no, no.

01:17:35.000 But I mean, when they're doing stuff like... 0.98

01:17:37.000 There's other shit in this world that you have to... 0.97

01:17:39.000 The stunts are phenomenal. 0.99

01:17:41.000 I'm sure.

01:17:42.000 Phenomenal.

01:17:42.000 I'm sure.

01:17:43.000 Good luck with that.

01:17:44.000 Do you know who Travis Pastrana is?

01:17:46.000 No.

01:17:47.000 I've heard the name.

01:17:47.000 Travis is the motocross racer who now races rally racing.

01:17:50.000 Didn't he get hurt a few years back?

01:17:52.000 The guy's broken like every bone in his body.

01:17:54.000 Yeah.

01:17:55.000 I went to, I think it was a thing for him.

01:17:57.000 A birthday?

01:17:58.000 No, it was like a benefit slash birthday thing, I think.

01:18:01.000 If I'm thinking about the right guy.

01:18:02.000 Is that the thing with Giraldo and Arch Barker were there?

01:18:05.000 No.

01:18:06.000 No.

01:18:06.000 Because they roasted him for MTV. No, it wasn't that.

01:18:09.000 It might be a different guy, but go ahead. 0.98

01:18:10.000 But he now races rally racing because he's just fucked himself up so much. 0.62

01:18:16.000 So he has to drive cars now? 0.97

01:18:18.000 Yeah.

01:18:18.000 Because he's broken everything too many times?

01:18:19.000 Broken everything.

01:18:20.000 There's a great documentary on him called 99 Lives.

01:18:23.000 I think it's called 99 Lives.

01:18:26.000 It talks about his lack of fear, like his mental capacity and how he doesn't, like we all have fear and he doesn't have it.

01:18:37.000 What do you mean he doesn't have it?

01:18:39.000 He just doesn't have it.

01:18:40.000 Is that real?

01:18:41.000 Yeah, I think there's something scientific to it.

01:18:43.000 So he's got a brain that's got a missing piece. 0.99

01:18:46.000 That sounds like a really dumb thing. 0.98

01:18:49.000 Yeah, but he's accomplished a lot of things. 0.94

01:18:54.000 Apparently there's a video of Johnny Knoxville breaking his urethra, if anybody want to watch it.

01:18:58.000 Is that what it was?

01:18:59.000 He broke his urethra?

01:19:00.000 Matt Hoffman's tribute to Evel Knievel.

01:19:03.000 I don't want to see it, though.

01:19:04.000 Matt Hoffman.

01:19:05.000 It's five minutes, and I'm breaking my own rules by even telling you about it.

01:19:08.000 Matt Hoffman is a guy that is...

01:19:10.000 He's a BMXer that he's hurt himself so many times that they wouldn't do surgery on his knee, this special surgery, but they had it in Canada and they didn't have it in the United States so he went to Canada to do it.

01:19:21.000 The doctor could do it in Canada but by law he couldn't do it unless he was awake.

01:19:27.000 He couldn't put him under for it and they had to bring whatever the, it was like an anterior cruciate ligament or something and it was made of I forget what they used.

01:19:40.000 Not titanium.

01:19:40.000 Whatever they used to make it, something like a polypropylene or like a...

01:19:46.000 Like a wire?

01:19:46.000 Whatever it was, he had to ship it to Canada because it was, like, illegal.

01:19:51.000 They weren't allowed to use it there.

01:19:53.000 So he put it in, like, he owns a BMX company, put it in, like, a bike box and sent it.

01:19:57.000 And then the doctor did it, and he talks about it.

01:19:59.000 He helped the doctor do the operation because there was, like, the doctor had, like, saw this part, put it in, and he stayed awake.

01:20:08.000 And let the doctor put this thing in. 0.98

01:20:10.000 These guys are just...

01:20:10.000 Well, I had an ACL operation where I stayed awake.

01:20:13.000 You stayed awake for them?

01:20:14.000 Yeah.

01:20:14.000 But I just wanted to see it.

01:20:16.000 Local?

01:20:16.000 It was the first one.

01:20:17.000 They give you an epidural.

01:20:18.000 Yeah.

01:20:19.000 They give you an epidural and knock you out.

01:20:21.000 So from the waist down, I couldn't feel anything.

01:20:23.000 And you did it just as you wanted to watch?

01:20:25.000 I wanted to see it.

01:20:25.000 And I was scared to go under too.

01:20:27.000 I don't like going under.

01:20:28.000 I don't like going under.

01:20:29.000 Going under to me was like a knocked out.

01:20:32.000 Yeah.

01:20:32.000 Like I didn't ever want that to happen.

01:20:34.000 I did it once.

01:20:35.000 I broke my ankle and they put me under. 0.95

01:20:38.000 And then when they went to take the plate, the screws out, I said, I'm not going fucking under again. 0.94

01:20:44.000 So you went with an epidural? 0.98

01:20:45.000 Yeah.

01:20:46.000 There's certain things they won't do with an epidural.

01:20:48.000 But there's, you know, the second knee operation I got, I had him put me under.

01:20:54.000 But he had to help the doctor.

01:20:56.000 I was drugged up to the gills.

01:20:58.000 Yeah.

01:20:58.000 I don't think he was drugged.

01:21:00.000 Yeah, how did he help the doctor?

01:21:02.000 Like, here, hold this?

01:21:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:03.000 Hit that with a hammer?

01:21:04.000 When I say go?

01:21:05.000 I think I saw the interview with him when he was talking about this. 0.99

01:21:07.000 What fucking robot doctor, voodoo doctor was he going to? 1.00

01:21:10.000 The dude who rented me the scooter this week had esophical cancer, had his whole esophagus removed, and they moved his esophagus, like, around to the side and back because he had acid reflux so bad, and he got esophical cancer. 0.99

01:21:23.000 They did a procedure on him that had never been done before.

01:21:26.000 They put him into a coma.

01:21:29.000 To do the procedure because when you're under, you still swallow.

01:21:34.000 You still have a swallowing reflex.

01:21:36.000 It still happens.

01:21:37.000 But when you're in a coma, you don't swallow.

01:21:39.000 So they had to put him into a coma.

01:21:41.000 And I go, what was that like?

01:21:42.000 And he goes, well...

01:21:44.000 I go, when did you come out?

01:21:45.000 He goes, about two days later.

01:21:46.000 He goes, but I couldn't say my ABCs for about a month.

01:21:50.000 But it saved his life.

01:21:53.000 The guy's alive.

01:21:54.000 Wow. 1.00

01:21:55.000 Think about that shit when you smoke cigarettes, Brian. 1.00

01:21:58.000 Yeah, Brian thinks it's never going to happen to him. 1.00

01:22:01.000 Oh, it will.

01:22:01.000 He's going to be that guy that's going to be fine.

01:22:03.000 Smoking a pack a day for the rest of his fucking life. 1.00

01:22:06.000 Ugh. 1.00

01:22:07.000 Wait, but you have the fucking fake cigarette. 1.00

01:22:10.000 Yeah, that's just so when I'm inside I can still smoke. 1.00

01:22:12.000 Oh, God.

01:22:14.000 And also because he loves Stephen Dorff.

01:22:18.000 This is actually watermelon flavor, too.

01:22:20.000 You don't know?

01:22:21.000 No.

01:22:22.000 Oh, I need to turn you on to the douchiest commercial in the history of the universe.

01:22:27.000 It's a commercial so douchey, you have to think that it's a subtle parody.

01:22:31.000 You have to think that someone was like, someone hates Stephen Dorff, and they talked him into doing this. 0.77

01:22:36.000 And they're like, listen, he's an egomaniac. 0.99

01:22:38.000 We're going to talk him into doing this fucking commercial. 0.99

01:22:40.000 He's like, there's no way he's going to do this commercial. 1.00

01:22:41.000 I'm telling you, I can talk this motherfucker into this commercial. 0.99

01:22:45.000 Steve, we want you to write this. 0.99

01:22:46.000 We want it to be in your voice.

01:22:47.000 We want you to sell these cigarettes.

01:22:50.000 You got to see this.

01:22:52.000 I'm tired of being a walking ashtray.

01:22:54.000 Negative, too.

01:22:55.000 I'm tired of feeling guilty every time I want to light up.

01:22:58.000 I'm Steven Dorff.

01:22:59.000 I've been a smoker for 20 years.

01:23:01.000 And I just found the smarter alternative.

01:23:05.000 Blue e-cigs.

01:23:06.000 Blue lets me enjoy smoking without it affecting the people around me.

01:23:10.000 Because it's vapor, not tobacco smoke.

01:23:12.000 Look at this.

01:23:12.000 This is my favorite part.

01:23:14.000 That means no ash.

01:23:15.000 Deep slow-mo walking on the beach.

01:23:18.000 With blue, you can smoke at a basketball game if you want to.

01:23:21.000 And how about not having to go outside every ten minutes when you're in a bar with your friends?

01:23:25.000 The point is, you can smoke blue virtually anywhere.

01:23:32.000 We're all adults here.

01:23:34.000 It's time we take our freedom back.

01:23:37.000 Come on, guys.

01:23:38.000 Rise from the ashes.

01:23:42.000 Take your freedom back.

01:23:44.000 You have to smoke outside, but not with that.

01:23:47.000 The long, slow draw at the end.

01:23:49.000 That, uh...

01:23:50.000 That's, uh...

01:23:52.000 Do you ever, uh...

01:23:52.000 There's a douchier one, though.

01:23:54.000 Your show ever seen the Brad Pitt one?

01:23:56.000 Is it, like, a Japanese one? 0.80

01:23:57.000 We've done those, like, seven times.

01:23:58.000 Have you ever seen the Brad Pitt Chanel No.

01:24:00.000 5 commercial?

01:24:01.000 I don't think so.

01:24:02.000 Oh, sweet Jesus, you must see this.

01:24:04.000 Oh, wait, wait, there's a new one.

01:24:05.000 Wait, we should watch this new thing.

01:24:07.000 There's a new Brad Pitt Chanel No.

01:24:08.000 5 commercial?

01:24:09.000 No, no, no, there's a new commercial.

01:24:10.000 Does he really need money?

01:24:11.000 A new commercial what?

01:24:12.000 That's, uh, hold on.

01:24:14.000 What?

01:24:14.000 All right, Courtney.

01:24:16.000 What is it?

01:24:17.000 Courtney Love.

01:24:19.000 Have you seen that?

01:24:20.000 It's kind of like the same idea as what we just watched, but with Courtney Love.

01:24:24.000 No.

01:24:25.000 Yeah.

01:24:25.000 Hit it.

01:24:25.000 All right.

01:24:29.000 Enjoy presents?

01:24:31.000 Yeah, that's another company.

01:24:35.000 Is that Courtney Love?

01:24:36.000 No.

01:24:37.000 You never know.

01:24:38.000 It's been a while.

01:24:39.000 Yeah, seriously.

01:24:42.000 That's Francis Bean.

01:24:43.000 Okay, so we're watching, for folks listening at home, we're watching some woman elegantly dressed.

01:24:48.000 Old lady. 0.99

01:24:49.000 She has a lot of jewelry on, and she is walking up to Courtney Love.

01:24:55.000 Who looks better than usual.

01:24:57.000 You know, you can't smoke in here.

01:25:02.000 Relax. 0.99

01:25:04.000 It's a fucking enjoy. 0.99

01:25:07.000 Way better. 0.99

01:25:10.000 Enjoy.

01:25:12.000 Okay.

01:25:14.000 That was way better.

01:25:15.000 Enjoy.

01:25:16.000 Sort of. 0.99

01:25:18.000 A commercial uses the word fucking dude. 0.99

01:25:20.000 Yeah, but it's still... 1.00

01:25:22.000 I mean, I guess it's better, but I mean, it's like, you want to be the cunt that smokes those cigarettes and acts like that? 1.00

01:25:29.000 Better than a regular cigarette. 0.99

01:25:30.000 I guess it's more rock and roll than the other commercial.

01:25:34.000 Yeah.

01:25:34.000 You know?

01:25:35.000 It's better.

01:25:36.000 Okay, watch the Brad Pitt one on your own, but it's the only thing that's even douchier than the Stephen Dorff commercial.

01:25:41.000 The Brad Pitt one will turn your stomach.

01:25:43.000 Because Brad Pitt's got like a billion dollars.

01:25:45.000 It doesn't make any sense.

01:25:46.000 Well, I guess he got paid like crazy millions.

01:25:48.000 That's nice.

01:25:49.000 Maybe he's built a hut in Taiwan.

01:25:52.000 Yeah, I saw Seinfeld doing a corporate once, and I was like, how much money do they have to pay Seinfeld to do a corporate? 1.00

01:25:59.000 A lot of those guys love that shit. 0.98

01:26:00.000 You know, Jay Leno makes a huge amount of money doing that stuff. 1.00

01:26:03.000 That's like his gig. 0.99

01:26:04.000 That's like a big joke, though, the Leno corporate shit. 0.99

01:26:07.000 Is it a joke? 1.00

01:26:08.000 Don't you know that?

01:26:08.000 Every comic, apparently, like when you sit on the couch and talk to him, he goes, so, uh, you doing corporates?

01:26:14.000 Guess how much he got paid for.

01:26:15.000 He does a lot of them.

01:26:16.000 He loves them.

01:26:17.000 Guess how much he got paid for.

01:26:19.000 Who got paid?

01:26:20.000 Brad Pitt got paid to do that commercial.

01:26:21.000 Let me guess.

01:26:22.000 Let me guess.

01:26:23.000 How much?

01:26:24.000 Let me guess first.

01:26:26.000 11 million.

01:26:27.000 11 million?

01:26:28.000 What would you say, Joe?

01:26:30.000 4 million.

01:26:31.000 That's actually 7. Hmm.

01:26:33.000 Because I know...

01:26:34.000 7 million dollars to sell your soul.

01:26:37.000 It's so bad. 1.00

01:26:39.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

01:26:41.000 Okay, you gotta see it now. 1.00

01:26:42.000 Play it now.

01:26:42.000 Would you do it?

01:26:44.000 Me?

01:26:44.000 For $7 million?

01:26:45.000 No.

01:26:45.000 You wouldn't do it for $7 million?

01:26:47.000 No, because I don't need $7 million.

01:26:49.000 You know?

01:26:49.000 If I was broke, before I did Fear Factor, before I did News Radio, and you said, hey, you wanna do this really douchey Chanel No.

01:26:55.000 5 commercial?

01:26:56.000 We'll pay you $7 million. 1.00

01:26:57.000 I'd be like, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:26:58.000 You can find some horrible commercials with me. 0.99

01:27:00.000 But that is... 0.98

01:27:00.000 This commercial, though, it's so ridiculous. 0.98

01:27:04.000 As a comedian, you would have such a hard time doing this commercial. 0.97

01:27:08.000 It's really hard to do. 1.00

01:27:10.000 I've done some shit. 0.99

01:27:11.000 Play it. 1.00

01:27:13.000 It's so preposterous.

01:27:14.000 You watch it and you go, come on, Brad.

01:27:16.000 What is going on?

01:27:17.000 It's not a journey.

01:27:18.000 Every journey ends, but we go on.

01:27:22.000 The world turns and we turn with it.

01:27:25.000 Plans disappear.

01:27:27.000 But look at him.

01:27:28.000 Look at him.

01:27:29.000 You're not really doing this, Brad. 1.00

01:27:31.000 You're acting, you fuck. 1.00

01:27:38.000 Hold on. 1.00

01:27:43.000 No, come on. 0.85

01:27:45.000 That's disgusting. 0.79

01:27:46.000 That's so bad. 1.00

01:27:47.000 I mean, shit, I might do it for $7,000. 0.99

01:27:49.000 I don't want to lie. 0.99

01:27:51.000 Was that one of those things where he just goes, oh, we want to get that house up at the Ski Resort.

01:27:56.000 I'll do it.

01:27:57.000 I don't understand.

01:27:58.000 I mean, I guess, look, he's involved in a lot of charitable ventures, so who am I to judge and guess what he does with his money?

01:28:05.000 You're right.

01:28:06.000 He might do something really amazing with it.

01:28:07.000 There's a banking commercial, and I forget what the bank is.

01:28:11.000 It's one of those trading companies.

01:28:13.000 The commercial, and I hear the voice, and I'm good with voices.

01:28:15.000 I go, that's Matt Damon.

01:28:17.000 And he's doing a banking commercial, and he's doing a voice. 0.99

01:28:20.000 Why does Matt Damon have to do fucking voiceovers? 0.97

01:28:23.000 He's got enough money, so I Google it, look it up. 0.99

01:28:26.000 Apparently, he donated all the money to charity.

01:28:28.000 And so because – and I read there was the hypocrisy of Matt Damon.

01:28:33.000 Here he is, a guy who – he was the voiceover in Inside Job, the movie about the banks.

01:28:40.000 And he's always – he's very liberal and he's been very critical of the banks. 0.99

01:28:43.000 And here he is doing a fucking commercial for the banks. 0.98

01:28:46.000 So I guess it was one of these things where he just said, you know what? 0.99

01:28:50.000 I'll do it.

01:28:51.000 We're going to take all that money.

01:28:52.000 And I'd like to see the charity he gave it to.

01:28:54.000 I hope it's something like a lobby against the banks.

01:28:58.000 Yeah, that would be a smart thing to do.

01:29:00.000 Use their money against them.

01:29:01.000 But it's still weird, you know? 1.00

01:29:03.000 I would have sex with Brad Pitt for $7 million. 0.99

01:29:07.000 I think it would cost more than that. 0.99

01:29:09.000 Yeah, I don't think Brad would have it with you.

01:29:11.000 I really don't think Brad would be like, and what do I get out of this?

01:29:14.000 Well, what if he just was into it?

01:29:16.000 It's like a fetish thing for him.

01:29:17.000 Could be.

01:29:18.000 Hairy guy.

01:29:19.000 I'm sure there's a lot of people that are willing to do that.

01:29:24.000 Yeah.

01:29:25.000 Seven million?

01:29:26.000 Seven million bucks?

01:29:26.000 Hey, I'm putting the offer up there right now, guys.

01:29:28.000 Think about what your friend did for 25 grand and some coke.

01:29:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:29:31.000 You know, 25 grand and some coke, and who knows who she let fuck her ass. 1.00

01:29:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:29:35.000 You know? 1.00

01:29:35.000 Probably a lot of craziness going on. 1.00

01:29:37.000 A lot of spitting in people's mouths.

01:29:38.000 Well, I've talked about it.

01:29:39.000 You know your webcams.

01:29:40.000 You led me onto that, what's it called?

01:29:43.000 My Free Cams.

01:29:44.000 Those girls that go on there. 1.00

01:29:46.000 Can say what countries they want to be shown in.

01:29:49.000 So basically a girl can just check off. 1.00

01:29:51.000 She doesn't want to be seen in the United States, Canada, Australia, any English speaking place where she might possibly know someone. 0.98

01:29:57.000 But let the rest of the world just jerk off to her. 0.92

01:30:00.000 Never ever going to see one of those people ever again. 0.98

01:30:03.000 And it's like I think there's so many girls on there that we don't know about.

01:30:07.000 Like girls you know.

01:30:09.000 Because I never see my guy friends that don't have money always have to pick up like second and third jobs.

01:30:16.000 My girlfriends that don't have money, it's just life's easy.

01:30:20.000 And they all say they're just responsible.

01:30:23.000 Whatever.

01:30:25.000 I'm like, what?

01:30:27.000 Where are you getting money?

01:30:28.000 And I'm convinced they're all on my free cams in like Latvia and Estonia and Cambodia. 0.97

01:30:33.000 Probably, right? 1.00

01:30:34.000 They're all fucking stacking up bitcoins like a motherfucker. 1.00

01:30:38.000 It's tokens. 1.00

01:30:39.000 Yeah.

01:30:40.000 Stacking up them bitcoins, son.

01:30:42.000 You think that bitcoin thing is going to work?

01:30:44.000 I would like it to work.

01:30:44.000 So would I. I think it would be interesting.

01:30:46.000 I think it would be interesting if there was an alternative currency that a bunch of people agreed to that was stable.

01:30:51.000 If you could find a way to circumvent the financial system, that would be a way to defeat it, to define one that we all agreed on, that everybody got together and said, you know what? 0.99

01:31:00.000 Fuck all this craziness. 0.96

01:31:02.000 Let's put our resources into this other thing. 1.00

01:31:05.000 The problem is that's when you find out how corrupt the system really is.

01:31:08.000 Because they would never let you establish an alternative set of currencies.

01:31:12.000 Right. 0.75

01:31:12.000 I think you'd end up dead. 0.75

01:31:14.000 Most likely. 0.99

01:31:15.000 They would discourage it heartily. 0.99

01:31:17.000 I mean, the amount of money that would be lost if there was a valid alternative to the dollar or the ruble or whatever the fuck you're using. 0.97

01:31:24.000 If there was some... 0.99

01:31:26.000 Nationwide or global currency that we all agreed to that was established and was really strong, that would fuck everything, man. 0.99

01:31:35.000 All this global power grab would be in the toilet. 0.56

01:31:38.000 And third world countries would know when everybody has the same value on their dollar, when the dollar is the same value, which I've looked into this and thought about it, and it's really confusing, and I don't know enough about currencies.

01:31:53.000 What would happen?

01:31:55.000 Like would the value of – because you can trade internationally then and there's no one able to monitor it and there's no embargoes on – there wouldn't – it wouldn't be able to be taxed.

01:32:07.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:32:09.000 It's interesting.

01:32:10.000 It would eventually have to get taxed.

01:32:13.000 Somehow, yeah.

01:32:14.000 You would have to pay for things.

01:32:16.000 It really becomes a matter of government over bureaucracy.

01:32:19.000 You can use it now to buy pizza and stuff.

01:32:22.000 The real problem is bureaucracy gets to a point where you start creating jobs that aren't necessary, and then you say, oh, we created X amount of jobs this quarter. 0.98

01:32:31.000 People love to do shit like that. 0.98

01:32:33.000 And sometimes those jobs are really good, and sometimes those jobs are government jobs. 0.99

01:32:37.000 And when government jobs get established, it's very rarely they get removed.

01:32:41.000 You know what I mean?

01:32:41.000 They might slash things if there's funding, but if there's money, they would like to keep jobs going and create new jobs in government and create new laws so that new jobs are in place.

01:32:52.000 That's one of the big arguments in not making pot legal, because you would lose a lot of people that are in the business of locking people up for pot.

01:32:59.000 And arresting pot dealers and then all of a sudden the pharmaceutical company is going to lose money.

01:33:04.000 What, are they going to let people go as well?

01:33:06.000 How does that work?

01:33:07.000 It's a weird financial situation where the resources and the impact of the control of the resources shifts.

01:33:16.000 And so that's like a financial decision.

01:33:18.000 And that's one of the real problems with making anything that's that popular illegal while it's illegal.

01:33:23.000 It's like financially it creates a real issue.

01:33:26.000 Well, I also saw that a lot of the reason the pot hasn't become legal yet is because The regulation isn't in place yet.

01:33:35.000 They haven't been able to create the bureaucracy around it.

01:33:37.000 And a lot of times they've done things – like if you look around the world, the lack of regulation has created fucking – like you look at what happened in the Soviet Union when it dismantled.

01:33:48.000 And they sold off the gas companies, the electric companies, and the Russian mafia just became like – Billionaires overnight.

01:33:57.000 People were able to buy the electric company or buy – Well, I think there was a lot more to collapse the Soviet Union than that. 0.78

01:34:04.000 Well, no, no, but what I'm saying is they had two different currencies in Russia at that time or the Soviet Union.

01:34:09.000 They had two different ones?

01:34:10.000 Two different currencies, and they were using one to buy up the other one.

01:34:14.000 People were smart enough to say, let's buy – All this currency.

01:34:17.000 I read this book called Rogue Economics about what happens with lack of regulation.

01:34:22.000 And they were – then when I read about pot being legal, it was like if it gets legalized, what happens?

01:34:28.000 The corporations might be able to come in and push out all the growers, push out all the – what do they call it? 0.80

01:34:36.000 If it gets legal?

01:34:37.000 If it does get legal.

01:34:38.000 How would they be able to do that?

01:34:39.000 It doesn't make any sense.

01:34:40.000 Because let's – Once the growers are already established.

01:34:42.000 Because let's say – let's say the growers are established but let's say – Big corporations come in and get involved, like the tobacco corporations.

01:34:51.000 What if they, with all their money, buy up all the pot, the pot fields, everything?

01:34:57.000 There is no way of actually – it would be like opening the floodgates right away, and it's like, what's going to happen?

01:35:05.000 Well, I don't understand what you're saying.

01:35:07.000 Why would that stop the people who are already growing from growing? 0.99

01:35:09.000 Well, when we had that proposition to vote to make pot legal, I was trying to read about it, and I'm not even a big pot smoker, but I was like, come on, we've got to fucking legalize this shit. 1.00

01:35:17.000 This is ridiculous. 0.99

01:35:18.000 I like how you did that with like a – I acted it out. 0.92

01:35:22.000 Well, the referendum vote was like, let's vote to make it legal.

01:35:27.000 And then I started reading in a lot of the local Venice newspapers and stuff, and they were saying that a lot of the people in Humboldt and Mendocino County and all that were growers and stuff were against it because they were worried that they would get pushed out.

01:35:43.000 I'll tell you, that's not true.

01:35:44.000 The reason why they're against it is because you can make a lot more money when it's illegal.

01:35:48.000 That's why they're against it.

01:35:49.000 Okay.

01:35:50.000 You got their argument a little...

01:35:51.000 A little wrong.

01:35:52.000 And not only that, a lot of those people were also against medical.

01:35:55.000 They like to keep it illegal.

01:35:57.000 Because when it's illegal, it's worth a lot more money.

01:35:59.000 And it's hard to find people to sell it.

01:36:00.000 It's hard to find people that you can buy it from.

01:36:04.000 And so they can control the market.

01:36:05.000 Well, but in that situation...

01:36:07.000 Pot is legal.

01:36:08.000 There's going to be more money spent on marijuana if it is legal. 0.56

01:36:11.000 It's just going to make more competition for them.

01:36:13.000 That's all it is.

01:36:13.000 Exactly.

01:36:13.000 The reason why the growers don't want it is because a bunch of other people are going to start growing and then the prices are going to go down.

01:36:18.000 But who would ultimately make the money on marijuana?

01:36:22.000 Wouldn't it be corporations?

01:36:23.000 The real issue that's undiscussed is something like Monsanto coming along and owning strains of marijuana.

01:36:30.000 Eliminating the other strains.

01:36:32.000 That is a distinct possibility. 0.98

01:36:34.000 If you see what they've done, who the fuck would have ever thought they'd be able to do what they've done with corn? 0.99

01:36:38.000 Who the fuck would have been able to believe that they would be willing to, that politicians would be willing to accept, I don't know what the fuck they're getting paid, I don't know how the fuck they're passing these laws. 0.99

01:36:48.000 Like the Monsanto Protection Act, all these different laws that allow genetically modified foods to be in your supermarkets without labels. 0.99

01:36:56.000 Because it's not clearly established whether or not they're 100% safe.

01:36:59.000 I know some of them are safe.

01:37:00.000 If you ever question that and how that happens, read the book, Lawrence Lessig's book called Republic Lost. 0.98

01:37:07.000 And he explains how all that government subsidies, all of that shit happens. 0.97

01:37:11.000 And it's – they target. 0.93

01:37:12.000 It's the same way the defense corporation – But they target, like a lobby group or a special interest group or a PAC will – it's not even that they have the resources to just spend so much money.

01:37:26.000 What they do is they will – it's almost like mafia technique.

01:37:30.000 Like they'll go to a congressman and say, hey, you're running against this guy.

01:37:34.000 You're anti-guns.

01:37:35.000 He's pro-guns.

01:37:35.000 We're going to give all our money to him, and we're just going to – so it's just the threat.

01:37:39.000 It's not we're spending money against you.

01:37:42.000 It's the threat of we're going to spend money against you.

01:37:45.000 So the politicians then fold and say...

01:37:47.000 Well, they go with where the money is.

01:37:49.000 I mean, that's really what it is.

01:37:50.000 I think it's 97% of the time or something, the candidate with the most money.

01:37:53.000 Yeah, I'm sure.

01:37:54.000 It only makes sense.

01:37:55.000 I mean, you have to have like a wildly... 0.96

01:37:58.000 It's a popular platform for you to be accepted and you don't have as much money or you have to compete against a real jackass. 0.92

01:38:05.000 It's a bought system.

01:38:08.000 Something like Bitcoin or some alternative currency, I know a lot of people poo-poo it. 0.98

01:38:12.000 Maybe Bitcoin's not the one, but who the fuck saw Bitcoin coming? 0.86

01:38:15.000 I never heard anything about it until a couple of years ago. 0.93

01:38:18.000 And now all of a sudden you're hearing about it in legitimate news sources and you're like, whoa, what's going on here? 0.99

01:38:23.000 And then coincidentally it crashes through the fucking floor. 0.99

01:38:27.000 And the value drops and there's all sorts of fuckery involved with it. 0.99

01:38:31.000 Did that happen? 0.96

01:38:32.000 The value dropped?

01:38:32.000 No, I didn't know that.

01:38:33.000 Yeah, Bitcoin went through some...

01:38:35.000 But it's also people probably trying to profit or trying to capitalize on a system that's not completely secure.

01:38:41.000 I don't know.

01:38:42.000 I don't understand finances that much. 1.00

01:38:44.000 I'm too ADD for that shit. 0.99

01:38:45.000 Yeah, I got the app and I just wanted to play with it and see what was going on. 1.00

01:38:49.000 The Bitcoin app?

01:38:49.000 Yeah, I just wanted to see what was going on.

01:38:51.000 I get every app.

01:38:53.000 Have you done an Uber yet?

01:38:55.000 Oh, sure.

01:38:55.000 Yeah, I use it all the time.

01:38:56.000 It's amazing. 0.96

01:38:57.000 Fucking awesome. 0.96

01:38:57.000 Did you see the guy who is selling a house in Canada with Bitcoin? 0.96

01:39:01.000 Really?

01:39:02.000 Yeah, he wanted to acquire a lot of Bitcoins, and he had a piece of property that he wasn't using.

01:39:05.000 It was like a house on a lake or on a river, like a rural vacation house.

01:39:09.000 It's like 300 grand or something like that.

01:39:11.000 He's selling it on Bitcoin. 0.99

01:39:12.000 He wants 300,000 bitcoins or whatever the fucking equivalent is. 0.96

01:39:16.000 Well, if you look at it, I mean, it's been going on on, like, games like I don't play, but, like, World of Warcraft and that stuff. 0.95

01:39:21.000 Those people, they had a whole South Park episode about it, about, like, where they have the little kids working, playing the video games so that they can acquire these coins or whatever it was, whatever the value on the game.

01:39:34.000 Because that happens in video games all the time where people try to acquire these coins Well, it's a legit service.

01:39:40.000 People will pay people in foreign countries, like third world countries, will play games all night with your character.

01:39:49.000 Like you give them your character for a few months and you come back and your character is like a master wizard. 0.99

01:39:53.000 Because these are like fucking total super nerd games. 0.96

01:39:56.000 It's not like you're playing checkers or chess or even, you know. 0.99

01:40:00.000 I used to do that with my friends on Madden.

01:40:02.000 When they would leave, when we all lived together down at the beach, they would leave.

01:40:05.000 I would play as their team and just hurt their players.

01:40:08.000 That's funny.

01:40:10.000 Yeah, that's funny.

01:40:11.000 But one of the saddest shows that I ever watched was a documentary on this family that was addicted to World of Warcraft.

01:40:18.000 One of those games.

01:40:19.000 It was World of Warcraft.

01:40:20.000 But it was a family.

01:40:21.000 It was a husband and wife and a kid.

01:40:23.000 And the wife would always get bummed out when she had to take care of the baby because the husband could play the game and she was like complaining. 1.00

01:40:28.000 She's got a fucking newborn and she doesn't want it because she wants to get back to her character in the game. 1.00

01:40:33.000 And it was really depressing. 0.99

01:40:35.000 Oh.

01:40:35.000 Because you imagine if you're essentially being born into a house full of addicts.

01:40:40.000 They're addicts.

01:40:41.000 But it's not heroin. 0.60

01:40:42.000 It's World of Warcraft.

01:40:43.000 I mean, they are addicted to this.

01:40:44.000 They're completely, totally focused on this.

01:40:46.000 That's why I hate when people go, drugs and alcohol ruined their life.

01:40:49.000 It's like, drugs and alcohol didn't.

01:40:52.000 They did. 0.99

01:40:53.000 Those people would have found something like fucking World of Warcraft. 0.99

01:40:56.000 If it wasn't drugs or alcohol, it would have been something. 0.99

01:40:59.000 I agree with you, but I don't agree with you.

01:41:02.000 Because I know people that literally, whatever it is, they got the bad gene, they cannot drink.

01:41:07.000 They have one drink and they're gone.

01:41:08.000 And they're sober and they need to be sober.

01:41:10.000 I know people that have a chemical issue.

01:41:13.000 Yeah, I know one of those.

01:41:14.000 I know a few.

01:41:14.000 I didn't think they existed until I was in my late 20s.

01:41:18.000 And then I was like, okay, I think I am misreading this. 1.00

01:41:22.000 Because I was like, oh, a bunch of weak bitches. 1.00

01:41:25.000 I had this dumb approach to people who couldn't quit drugs or alcohol. 1.00

01:41:29.000 Usually those people, I've seen them be fucked up with other things too. 0.99

01:41:32.000 Sure. 0.95

01:41:33.000 Yeah, but those people, they might have a psychological issue as well as this compulsive issue as well as like a chemical problem.

01:41:42.000 Like there's a cumulative things that can happen to you.

01:41:45.000 And for some people, it's also like alcoholism is a weird thing where it starts off where they can handle it.

01:41:51.000 And then somewhere along the line, their body just loses its ability to tolerate alcohol.

01:41:57.000 And if they keep drinking and keep abusing their body, it's one shot and they're Gonsville. 0.59

01:42:02.000 I've seen people like that.

01:42:04.000 I don't think we totally understand how another person is feeling when they take something.

01:42:10.000 And I think there are some people out there that can get hammered and they just fall apart.

01:42:15.000 My friend Laura, she just takes one hit of marijuana and her body short-circuits. 1.00

01:42:22.000 And I think we talked about it once where she just stood up and ran towards the bathtub.

01:42:26.000 And just flew like tripped over the bathtub and flew and like almost chipped every single one of her teeth out. 1.00

01:42:31.000 And she had no idea why she did that.

01:42:33.000 It was just like her body just reacted crazy.

01:42:36.000 A friend of mine from Fear Factor, we were all in New York filming and it was all the crew and we passed a joint around.

01:42:42.000 And she took one hit and just blacked out. 0.92

01:42:45.000 And someone caught her.

01:42:46.000 Someone had to catch her in the middle of the street in New York.

01:42:50.000 She almost fell down and cracked her head off the concrete.

01:42:53.000 Like, she just went unconscious.

01:42:55.000 Everybody else is just taking a pull off a joint, and everybody else is fine.

01:42:59.000 But for whatever reason, it hits her, and her body is...

01:43:02.000 That's why, you know, I've talked about it a million...

01:43:04.000 I've talked with you a million times about it.

01:43:06.000 My just... 0.98

01:43:08.000 I've had good experiences, but I've had a couple that were just fucking atrocious. 0.97

01:43:13.000 The anxiety level and the paranoia and the fucking, you know, like, I thought I was going to jump out of an airplane once. 0.96

01:43:20.000 It ain't for everybody. 0.93

01:43:21.000 That's a fact.

01:43:22.000 Nothing's for everybody.

01:43:23.000 You're not even drinking caffeine anymore, right?

01:43:25.000 No, because it was all because of that.

01:43:27.000 The anxiety that I was getting. 0.99

01:43:28.000 You're so fucking aggro as it is. 0.99

01:43:30.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00

01:43:30.000 Look at you, savage. 1.00

01:43:32.000 You're fighting with fucking people you're on court. 1.00

01:43:34.000 No, you know what? 1.00

01:43:35.000 You're telling people you're an MMA fighter.

01:43:37.000 When that chick... 1.00

01:43:37.000 I want to justify that because when I got in the argument with her, I never once said, you're a bitch, you're a cunt. 1.00

01:43:43.000 I never raised my voice. 1.00

01:43:44.000 All I did was say, wow, you're... 0.99

01:43:46.000 I said, like I'm talking to you, I went, wow, you're a horrible person. 0.87

01:43:50.000 And just the way she was acting to me, it was like, you shouldn't get away with this. 0.98

01:43:55.000 I got you.

01:43:55.000 And that's how I was talking.

01:43:56.000 And I never once said... 0.99

01:43:59.000 The next day, they said, oh, you said she should be raped, and you said... 1.00

01:44:03.000 I said, no. 1.00

01:44:05.000 I said, I hope she gets hit by a car on the way home. 0.99

01:44:07.000 Oh, see, you didn't just say she's a horrible person. 0.98

01:44:10.000 No, no, no, but I was combating...

01:44:12.000 No, she said some things to me that I said that then.

01:44:15.000 What did she say to you?

01:44:17.000 You know what? 0.99

01:44:18.000 I don't give a fuck about this story. 0.99

01:44:19.000 How about that? 1.00

01:44:19.000 Yeah, she was just being a cunt. 1.00

01:44:22.000 Thanks, Joe. 1.00

01:44:23.000 You know, I mean, you know what it is.

01:44:25.000 But I, no, I just, I want to justify that, uh, I forget what I was talking about.

01:44:29.000 It's no big deal.

01:44:30.000 I know what you're saying.

01:44:31.000 You're not on coke, but caffeine is a little too much for your personality.

01:44:34.000 I'm not aggressive.

01:44:36.000 You're not aggressive, but if someone's a douchey person to you, you don't walk away from it.

01:44:42.000 That's what a lot of times...

01:44:44.000 What's that old expression? 1.00

01:44:47.000 If you're in an argument with an idiot, it's very difficult to tell who's who. 1.00

01:44:51.000 I probably fucked up that in paraphrasing it. 1.00

01:44:55.000 That is a situation where if you're in a situation where someone's aggressive to you and you're aggressive back to them, and then someone walks in on it, it looks like you're always in fights. 0.84

01:45:04.000 And you could be a guy that just defends yourself all the time, but it looks like you're always in fights.

01:45:08.000 Especially if there's YouTube clips of it.

01:45:10.000 Where there's smoke, there's fire, and you know... 0.98

01:45:12.000 Yeah, I mean, I've always felt like I've never been one to start shit with people. 0.99

01:45:18.000 I don't like starting shit with people. 0.98

01:45:19.000 But I also not really enjoy people getting off on me and saying shitty things to me just because they want to be cunty. 0.98

01:45:27.000 So when you stand your ground or when you're aggro back or insulting back...

01:45:32.000 It becomes the same thing.

01:45:33.000 They started it, but you're doing it.

01:45:35.000 You're both involved in it. 1.00

01:45:37.000 And it's really stupid, but it takes a long time to realize that it's really stupid. 1.00

01:45:40.000 Right, right, right. 1.00

01:45:41.000 And what I did, the first thing I did when these guys came after me was cops.

01:45:45.000 And then I had no cops, and I was like...

01:45:47.000 Alright, I gotta, you know. 0.96

01:45:49.000 Well, those guys were working, too, so they weren't even fucked up. 1.00

01:45:51.000 They were just on that sweet, sweet pussy. 1.00

01:45:54.000 I think they were pretty fucked up, though. 1.00

01:45:55.000 You think so? 1.00

01:45:56.000 Yeah, I think they were.

01:45:56.000 While they were working?

01:45:57.000 Yeah, yeah, I think it was one of those.

01:45:59.000 Oh, okay.

01:45:59.000 Well, I bet they're just in love with that girl, man.

01:46:02.000 That's so common.

01:46:03.000 It's so common where you get one pretty girl who just dominates a business establishment. 1.00

01:46:07.000 That's the saddest thing when you go to visit a buddy at work and you realize that this is one hot chick that's sort of like putting her spray around the room and all these dolts that your buddy works with are tripping over themselves trying to please this girl and white knighting it at every turn and you know I think you're just out of line with the way you talk around women. 1.00

01:46:23.000 You know those cocksuckers and like oh you son of a bitch look what you're doing here you're throwing yourself on the sword. 1.00

01:46:30.000 You sad sack of shit, you. 1.00

01:46:32.000 Well, that's what I said. 1.00

01:46:33.000 When the guy, when he finally calmed down, I said to the guy, he said, you've got a girl in there crying right now. 0.99

01:46:38.000 And I said, hold on.

01:46:39.000 I said, I explained what happened to him, and he kind of looked at me like, oh, this is a different story than what she told me.

01:46:46.000 Of course.

01:46:47.000 It always is.

01:46:48.000 A chick that wants to get you to fight someone for it, too. 1.00

01:46:51.000 Yeah, but who does that? 0.99

01:46:52.000 Cunts. 0.99

01:46:53.000 Cunts. 0.99

01:46:54.000 Cunts, Eddie F'd. 0.99

01:46:55.000 Cunts. 0.99

01:46:56.000 You couldn't get me to do that. 0.99

01:46:58.000 Any girl, yeah, he said, I'd be like, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself. 1.00

01:47:02.000 Yeah, well there's a lot of guys out there that can't give me pussy. 1.00

01:47:06.000 It's hard. 1.00

01:47:07.000 It's confusing as fuck. 1.00

01:47:08.000 If you're a dude out there, okay, and you're an unattractive guy, and you're working at a fucking kitchen at a bar, you know, you're flipping burgers, no one wants to fuck you, alright? 1.00

01:47:17.000 That's just a fact. 1.00

01:47:18.000 And you know that no one wants to fuck you, and that shit gets depressing, and you're willing to play the long game. 1.00

01:47:23.000 And befriend a lot of really cunty chicks hoping that when they're 40 and it all falls apart for them, they'll go with the guy who actually really loved them. 1.00

01:47:30.000 Once they get over this looks thing or whatever, and so there's a lot of poor saps out there that get sucked into, which is essentially a deal with a drug dealer that never gives you the drugs. 0.93

01:47:41.000 It's like, man, I got that cocaine, but dog, I can't give you none.

01:47:45.000 Come on, I love you.

01:47:46.000 I love you.

01:47:47.000 I love you. 0.70

01:47:48.000 I just want a little bit of your cocaine.

01:47:50.000 Dog, I don't know.

01:47:51.000 I'm vulnerable.

01:47:53.000 I just feel like maybe you only want me for my cocaine.

01:47:55.000 And I would like us to just be friends.

01:47:58.000 Can't you just understand that I have this cocaine and I want to keep it?

01:48:02.000 You know?

01:48:02.000 But I heard you gave Billy cocaine.

01:48:04.000 You know, I was very vulnerable, and I don't want to make that mistake again.

01:48:07.000 And now me and Billy don't talk, and I don't want that to happen between us, because we're good friends.

01:48:11.000 So I can't give you this cocaine. 0.99

01:48:12.000 So these poor pussy junkies will follow her around for years. 1.00

01:48:16.000 Are you doing another show over there? 1.00

01:48:17.000 No! 1.00

01:48:18.000 A fucking bug just attacked me. 1.00

01:48:20.000 So you're doing this for years and years, and, you know, you do drastic shit, like try to fight people in parking lots. 1.00

01:48:27.000 You know? 1.00

01:48:28.000 It's fucked up that sex is such a priority and requirement for the male body. 0.99

01:48:34.000 If prostitution was legal, I think it would take such an edge off of it. 1.00

01:48:37.000 We have a fucked up attitude about prostitution. 0.99

01:48:39.000 I don't want anybody I know to be a prostitute. 1.00

01:48:42.000 Me neither, and I don't want to... 0.54

01:48:43.000 I don't partake in it. 0.98

01:48:44.000 It's not my thing, but there's a lot of guys that I... Friends of mine that I'm like, let me take you to a hooker. 0.98

01:48:51.000 What I was going to say is I also don't want any friend of mine to be a janitor to have clean toilets. 0.99

01:48:56.000 That job sucks too. 0.88

01:48:58.000 I don't know which one's better. 0.99

01:48:59.000 I don't know.

01:49:00.000 If you're really open-minded with sex and there's a screening process and the guys who come through are polite, I really don't know which one is worse. 0.88

01:49:06.000 Cleaning toilets or letting a guy put a condom on you on top of you. 0.82

01:49:11.000 I don't know. 0.98

01:49:12.000 I don't know.

01:49:12.000 It's really a cultural decision.

01:49:14.000 It's a personal decision.

01:49:16.000 But I think you should be able to make that decision yourself.

01:49:18.000 I wouldn't want anybody that I'm friends with deciding to be a coroner.

01:49:22.000 I really wouldn't.

01:49:23.000 I wouldn't want you to do that.

01:49:24.000 But if you want to do that, I think it should be your choice.

01:49:28.000 I always wonder the mentality of that. 0.99

01:49:29.000 Fucking craziness, man. 0.99

01:49:30.000 You're looking at bodies all day. 1.00

01:49:32.000 I was just talking to a dude who was a funeral director.

01:49:33.000 He was the bartender at this comedy club.

01:49:35.000 Yeah, I used to be a funeral director up north in Boston.

01:49:38.000 And I was like, wow. 0.97

01:49:41.000 How are you able to fucking do that every day? 0.99

01:49:45.000 Yeah, well how about guys who get caught fucking the corpses? 0.99

01:49:48.000 Does that happen that often? 0.99

01:49:50.000 Don't you know what gunjing is? 0.96

01:49:51.000 A buddy of mine back in Boston, him and his brother walked in on this guy who had just gotten done fucking one of the corpses. 0.97

01:50:02.000 He's almost positive. 0.95

01:50:04.000 He's like, there was a dead, naked girl on the counter, and this guy was huffing and puffing and sweating.

01:50:10.000 And he was back there with this dead, naked girl, and they heard something funny, and they were there because someone in their family had died, and they had to go through the funeral arrangements. 0.99

01:50:21.000 And he believes they just about stumbled upon a guy who had fucked a dead female corpse. 0.99

01:50:28.000 He's almost positive. 0.99

01:50:30.000 Brian, you've got to know.

01:50:31.000 This is like a really conservative dude.

01:50:32.000 There's probably some dark hole of the internet where you've seen these people.

01:50:35.000 Oh yeah, you can find them.

01:50:37.000 They've seen videos.

01:50:38.000 What do you mean?

01:50:39.000 There's videos. 1.00

01:50:40.000 Yeah, there's videos of guys fucking dead bodies. 0.99

01:50:42.000 There's a video that a guy put online. 1.00

01:50:44.000 It was him and his boyfriend and he killed his boyfriend and then he like fucked him and cut him up and put it all online and ate some of his body. 0.98

01:50:53.000 What did you just show? 1.00

01:50:55.000 Gunjing is an act where you take a person that's been buried recently and you get them from under the ground and you put your lips around their vagina and you have somebody else jump up and down on their stomach. 0.99

01:51:11.000 Wait a minute. 0.98

01:51:11.000 Whereby the first person to ejaculate misplaces lips over the dead person's sexual parts while his fellow competitors jump on the stomach. 0.98

01:51:20.000 This is just made up. 0.75

01:51:21.000 Okay, that's made up.

01:51:21.000 That's totally made up.

01:51:22.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

01:51:23.000 God, Gene. 1.00

01:51:24.000 Did you make that up?

01:51:25.000 I have a feeling Brian did.

01:51:27.000 I think Go Tanaka told me about that.

01:51:28.000 Why do you really think that's real?

01:51:29.000 Well, I guess it is real if you decide it's real.

01:51:32.000 Yoshi would know about it.

01:51:33.000 What's a Cleveland steamer?

01:51:36.000 What's a Dirty Sanchez?

01:51:38.000 You know what it is, so it's real.

01:51:39.000 Once you invent it, it's like a drink.

01:51:41.000 It's like a Bloody Mary.

01:51:42.000 We tried to make one of those up on there.

01:51:45.000 A drink?

01:51:46.000 No, on Urban Dictionary, and it was already there.

01:51:51.000 What was it?

01:51:52.000 I don't know. 0.96

01:51:53.000 It was something like we were trying to make the Amish Butter Churner or something, and we were saying you take a dildo and you... 1.00

01:51:59.000 You cum all over it and then fuck the girl with the cum of the dildo. 1.00

01:52:04.000 Or you fuck her in your ass while she's upside down like a butter churn or something. 1.00

01:52:08.000 And I swear to God, we put it on something very similar. 1.00

01:52:11.000 I'm sure.

01:52:12.000 It's probably every depraved sexual act ever.

01:52:15.000 It's probably been labeled.

01:52:16.000 There's t-shirts for sale.

01:52:18.000 There's a TM behind it.

01:52:20.000 I made a sex move when I was in college. 0.99

01:52:24.000 And I used to call it the Don Pablo because it was a girl I fucked at Don Pablo's. 0.99

01:52:27.000 Where you would take the girl, she would be on her stomach, and you'd like lay down so you're kind of like butt to butt. 0.99

01:52:33.000 But you put your dick in her between your legs, so you're pushing it like that, and then you fall down. 0.99

01:52:38.000 So you're on top of her, and you're using her legs to pull it closer. 1.00

01:52:41.000 I lost you five seconds ago.

01:52:42.000 I don't know where you are.

01:52:43.000 But it hit the G-spot like crazy, and that's all she wanted after teaching. 0.99

01:52:46.000 She wanted the Don Pablo. 1.00

01:52:47.000 But then I tried it to somebody else, and they're like, fuck that. 1.00

01:52:50.000 What the hell are you doing? 1.00

01:52:51.000 Just get on top of me. 1.00

01:52:54.000 Some girls don't want you practicing shit that you've already done before. 1.00

01:52:56.000 Hey, I've done this one a bunch of times. 0.99

01:52:58.000 Try this.

01:52:58.000 Lay down five.

01:52:59.000 They're like, wait, what are you doing? 1.00

01:53:01.000 God damn it, you silly fuck. 1.00

01:53:02.000 Brian fucks the same way he does podcasts. 1.00

01:53:04.000 Just interrupts with some weird shit in the middle of it. 1.00

01:53:07.000 Doesn't make any sense. 0.99

01:53:08.000 Hold on, hold on.

01:53:09.000 Okay, open your mouth, put a toe in it.

01:53:10.000 No!

01:53:11.000 I thought it'd be funny. 1.00

01:53:14.000 This girl that we know down in Australia, she told my friend that she woke up one night, she hooked up with this dude, she wakes up, he's standing over her jerking off, and he's got his toe in her pussy. 1.00

01:53:27.000 Oh my god, how rude. 1.00

01:53:30.000 That guy's an asshole. 1.00

01:53:31.000 He's out there walking around, a bunch of cat shit on the floor and stuff. 1.00

01:53:34.000 He's stuffing it right up some chick's pussy. 1.00

01:53:36.000 He should at the very least have some alcohol wipes and really do a good job of cleaning your toe off before you shove it in some chick's clam. 1.00

01:53:43.000 That's just rude. 1.00

01:53:44.000 That guy's a dick. 1.00

01:53:46.000 You know what I've always wanted to try? 1.00

01:53:49.000 Have you seen those pills that they sell at CVS and they're for kids where they're like these little pills and you put them in a glass of water and they make this humongous dinosaur or something? 0.99

01:53:58.000 I've always wanted to put it in one of those girls' vaginas and see what happens. 1.00

01:54:01.000 It's kind of like a tampon. 1.00

01:54:02.000 It's called they die.

01:54:03.000 You ever heard of a thing called toxic shock syndrome?

01:54:06.000 Would it just freak them out? 1.00

01:54:06.000 When girls find things up their pussy, when they find things that are stuffed in their pussy and they've been up there for a while, sometimes they can get really sick. 1.00

01:54:15.000 Girls have died from tampons being stuck up their pussy. 1.00

01:54:18.000 I mean, if you're going to nerf their pussy, you don't keep it in there. 1.00

01:54:21.000 What if you leave a chunk of it in there? 1.00

01:54:23.000 I think it would blow up really big. 0.99

01:54:25.000 They'd be like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:54:25.000 There's a fucking Muppet coming out of my vagina. 1.00

01:54:27.000 You need to practice this in a lab before you stick it in a girl's body. 1.00

01:54:31.000 I just heard a story about a guy who was fucking a girl and... 1.00

01:54:35.000 Found, like, while he was fucking her going down on her something, found a condom that was in her pussy. 1.00

01:54:40.000 Oh, my Jesus. 1.00

01:54:41.000 Yeah.

01:54:42.000 I was a girl that I was dating where she had her tampon, like, had broken off, like, in the middle. 1.00

01:54:48.000 And she pulled part of it out, but part of it was, like, stuffed in her pussy. 1.00

01:54:52.000 And I, like, put my finger in her, and I'm like, what the fuck is it? 1.00

01:54:55.000 And I pulled it out. 1.00

01:54:56.000 I go, you have a piece of tampon in your pussy. 1.00

01:54:58.000 She was so embarrassed. 1.00

01:54:59.000 She was so, so embarrassed.

01:55:01.000 Like, she was, like, almost in tears.

01:55:03.000 And I was like...

01:55:04.000 It's just a mistake.

01:55:05.000 Like, I know you have a tampon.

01:55:07.000 I didn't understand it.

01:55:08.000 Like, being a guy, you don't understand, like, how could that bother you?

01:55:11.000 Like, I know that you have tampons.

01:55:13.000 You tell me when you're on your period.

01:55:15.000 I don't understand why this would be an issue.

01:55:17.000 But to her, it was like this huge, like, embarrassment.

01:55:20.000 I'm like, I don't...

01:55:22.000 That's a girly thing, right? 1.00

01:55:23.000 This girl I dated, we were drunk, and I fucked one of those little baby microtampons into her, and she didn't know about it. 1.00

01:55:31.000 And then a couple days later, she was getting kind of sick, and her pussy just smelled. 1.00

01:55:35.000 It was like a balut pond. 1.00

01:55:36.000 No, I had to dig it out.

01:55:38.000 I had to dig it out.

01:55:39.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:55:39.000 Yeah, I guess you would have to.

01:55:41.000 Yeah.

01:55:42.000 You know when you're, like, young and you're so horny, it's like, she's like, I'm on my period.

01:55:45.000 I know, and you rub it on the outside, and you wind up sticking it in there a little bit.

01:55:49.000 You'll do any little thing you can do.

01:55:51.000 And then you can't fish that string out. 1.00

01:55:53.000 Stuffed it in there like a fucking musket. 1.00

01:55:55.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:55:57.000 It's like you packed around in there.

01:55:59.000 Then you've got to play gynecologist.

01:56:01.000 I've been there before, man.

01:56:02.000 You're like, let me just rub it on the outside.

01:56:04.000 And you hear those words coming out of your mouth. 0.98

01:56:05.000 Like, am I really that retarded that I just said that? 0.98

01:56:09.000 Let me just rub it on the outside. 0.77

01:56:11.000 But we've all said that.

01:56:13.000 Everyone said that.

01:56:13.000 Let me just put it in for a second.

01:56:18.000 If you like it, it can stay.

01:56:21.000 If you don't, we can take it out.

01:56:24.000 Let's sleep with it inside, just to see what it would feel like, and then if you want to move, that's fine. 1.00

01:56:28.000 The most disappointing thing is when a girl says, okay, and you're like, oh, she's just as fucking stupid as I am. 1.00

01:56:33.000 You're supposed to be the one who's sensible here. 1.00

01:56:35.000 You're supposed to pull us out of this predicament. 1.00

01:56:37.000 It took me a long time to realize that if you just go when you're trying to hook up with a girl and you go, fine, I don't want to, and you go to sleep, all of a sudden they wake you up, they're like, come on, let's fuck. 1.00

01:56:47.000 Really? 0.99

01:56:47.000 Yeah, I found that. 0.99

01:56:49.000 Oh, you're ridiculous. 1.00

01:56:50.000 That means your game sucks. 1.00

01:56:51.000 No, no, no, no. 1.00

01:56:52.000 No, hear me out.

01:56:54.000 Forever I was the one.

01:56:55.000 All these girls like waiting for you to go to sleep? 1.00

01:56:57.000 No, no, no.

01:56:57.000 Forever I was the guy.

01:56:59.000 I would try everything.

01:57:00.000 I would keep them up for eight hours until they'd finally give in.

01:57:03.000 Like, listen, why don't we do this and then we'll try this?

01:57:07.000 You would ask them with words?

01:57:08.000 No, I mean just, you know, while you're fooling around.

01:57:11.000 So then I found out that if you just, if you kind of Do what they do, and you kind of play hard to get.

01:57:17.000 They go, why's this guy rejecting me? 1.00

01:57:19.000 And then all of a sudden they're like, let's fuck! 1.00

01:57:22.000 Eddie Eft, working some long game on these chicks. 1.00

01:57:25.000 How long did it take before you figured that out?

01:57:27.000 It took years.

01:57:28.000 Here's my advice to you, my friend. 1.00

01:57:31.000 Just fuck girls who actually want to fuck you. 1.00

01:57:33.000 And when they don't, if they don't, you're like, that's cool. 1.00

01:57:35.000 Yeah.

01:57:36.000 Let's just agree to not be friends.

01:57:38.000 Come on, we all went through puberty.

01:57:39.000 Yeah.

01:57:39.000 We've all been there.

01:57:40.000 It's all good.

01:57:41.000 Just you go over there.

01:57:42.000 I'll go over here.

01:57:42.000 We're cool.

01:57:43.000 Well, now I'm getting married.

01:57:43.000 Because there's some girls who like you.

01:57:44.000 Now I'm getting married.

01:57:45.000 I get one for the rest of my life.

01:57:46.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:57:47.000 There's some gals who would like you, Eddie Ift. 1.00

01:57:49.000 Yeah, I got one.

01:57:50.000 It's all about finding them.

01:57:50.000 Found that one.

01:57:51.000 It's like finding your audience in comedy.

01:57:54.000 You don't want to do, like, Brian was talking about doing some shows this weekend with a bunch of old people in the audience and You know, that's an uncomfortable feeling when it's not your audience. 1.00

01:58:01.000 It's awful.

01:58:02.000 It's terrible.

01:58:03.000 It's awful.

01:58:04.000 You've got to find your audience.

01:58:05.000 It is.

01:58:06.000 Once those people who didn't live with the internet, once they die off, we're going to have a different world.

01:58:11.000 You're lucky, Joe.

01:58:12.000 You're one of the few comedians, though, that gets to purely perform for your audience.

01:58:17.000 There's quite a few now, I think.

01:58:18.000 More now than I think ever before because of the internet.

01:58:22.000 You don't think so?

01:58:23.000 No, I think we all still have to...

01:58:24.000 In Australia, I perform for my audience.

01:58:26.000 People come to me.

01:58:28.000 In the crowd, they're always...

01:58:29.000 They bought a ticket to see me, and that feels good.

01:58:31.000 In Australia?

01:58:32.000 Yeah.

01:58:33.000 In America, I'm still doing gigs.

01:58:35.000 I'm at comedy clubs.

01:58:36.000 Every once in a while...

01:58:37.000 I've still had it.

01:58:38.000 I had it in the past two years, two or three times, where I've had the club owners tell me, hey, I know you do this, blah, blah, blah.

01:58:47.000 And I'm going, I'm in the car.

01:58:49.000 And they're like, what?

01:58:50.000 They're like...

01:58:50.000 And I'm like, don't tell me how to do my act.

01:58:52.000 I'm on my way home.

01:58:53.000 And they're like, what do you mean?

01:58:55.000 I've had three club owners in the last two years tell me You're too edgy, and you're too offensive on stage, and you're gonna have to calm it down for the next show.

01:59:06.000 They'll call me in my room, and I'm like, I'm in the taxi, I'm on my way to the airport, and they're like, what? 1.00

01:59:13.000 I'm like, fuck you. 1.00

01:59:14.000 You don't tell me how to do my act. 1.00

01:59:15.000 We need to go on tour, man.

01:59:16.000 That just happened to me this weekend.

01:59:18.000 Five minutes before I went on stage, and he's like, I need you to do a clean set.

01:59:21.000 And I was like, I don't have anything.

01:59:23.000 Just leave.

01:59:23.000 Leave at that point, because it ruined...

01:59:25.000 I've stayed, and...

01:59:28.000 They all end up apologizing and they try to keep you because they've got like, one time it happened here in LA and I just sold out crowd.

01:59:34.000 You can't tell a guy not to do his act.

01:59:37.000 If you don't like that act, you can not hire him again, but there's no way you can tell him how to do his act. 0.99

01:59:42.000 So that's why I go fuck off and I just leave. 0.84

01:59:44.000 Yeah, it's just, you can say, I don't think you're funny, you can fire him, you can ask for another comic to come in and replace him, but if you're gonna allow him to go on stage, you're not a producer. 0.99

01:59:54.000 You have no say in what goes on.

01:59:57.000 You know, that guy, it's his act.

01:59:58.000 If you don't want to hire him again because you don't like it, that's all cool. 0.99

02:00:01.000 But you can't direct a fucking comedian. 0.99

02:00:04.000 Yeah, I got it in the airport. 0.99

02:00:05.000 I'm on the airport on the way to a show and the woman called me and said, hey, you gotta go tonight.

02:00:10.000 Listen, I need you corporate clean.

02:00:12.000 And I said, what?

02:00:13.000 She goes, I need you corporate clean.

02:00:14.000 We have a bunch of Christmas parties in.

02:00:16.000 And I said, no, no, when I got booked, I got booked to do my show.

02:00:20.000 And she said, yeah, but tonight's all Christmas parties.

02:00:23.000 And I said, well, that's not – and she goes, well, we're going to have to dock your pay then. 0.98

02:00:28.000 And I went, no, no, you're going to have to pay me what I was contracted to be paid.

02:00:33.000 We're going to have to dock your pay because you won't change your act for my tastes?

02:00:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:38.000 And I said, fuck you. 1.00

02:00:39.000 They treat you like you're a waitress. 1.00

02:00:41.000 That's what it is.

02:00:41.000 You've got to wear my apron with my logo on it or you're fired.

02:00:45.000 But too many comics say, okay, I go fuck off and I leave. 0.99

02:00:50.000 And I think if more comics did that, they wouldn't do that to them. 0.99

02:00:53.000 Well, they can't.

02:00:54.000 They need the money.

02:00:55.000 I mean, I remember clearly days when I was told that I had to clean it up when I was coming up.

02:01:00.000 It happened all the time.

02:01:01.000 Yeah, but if you suck it up just once, If every comic sucked it up once, no club owner would ever do it.

02:01:06.000 Yeah, but they would.

02:01:07.000 Because the guy could still find someone to replace you and they'd probably be cleaner.

02:01:11.000 That was one of the big things about being unoffensive.

02:01:14.000 When you first started out, you'd get so much more work.

02:01:17.000 Because when you first start out, you're opening for people.

02:01:20.000 The last thing someone wants to do is go on after some guy who breaks all these taboos.

02:01:25.000 Especially if...

02:01:27.000 You break the same taboos or if your act is clean.

02:01:31.000 There's two things.

02:01:32.000 One, the guy's already doing the kind of material that a headliner does or this particular headliner does.

02:01:38.000 Two, if you're clean and you have to follow some guy who's talking about fishing tampons out of chicks, a lot of times headliners will blow gaskets.

02:01:48.000 I've seen more censorship from headliners In comedy clubs, and including guys who are not big names, they just happen to be the guy last.

02:01:58.000 And it was just like you say, like for the most part when you go to a comedy club, if you see a guy who's an unknown name, he's not an unknown name just to you.

02:02:06.000 He's an unknown name, period.

02:02:07.000 So when he's headlining these clubs, People are coming to see the show because they've been comped.

02:02:12.000 Like, they get free tickets.

02:02:13.000 It's an off night.

02:02:14.000 Or, you know, the guy goes on the radio and drums up some business.

02:02:18.000 And they have contests and they give away some tickets.

02:02:21.000 And then they make the money off the alcohol.

02:02:23.000 And that's a common thing.

02:02:24.000 And those guys, I've seen those guys.

02:02:27.000 Those are like low-level dudes.

02:02:28.000 Usually probably struggle a little bit every now and then anyway.

02:02:33.000 They'll change a guy's act if a guy's a middle act. 0.87

02:02:35.000 I've heard stories.

02:02:36.000 And I've had a couple guys give me when I was coming up.

02:02:39.000 Don't do this, don't do that.

02:02:40.000 Not many, but I've heard more stories about guys doing it.

02:02:43.000 I have never once said to anybody that opens for me, don't do that.

02:02:48.000 And it always annoyed me when I heard guys did it.

02:02:52.000 It's gross.

02:02:53.000 Unless the guy's stealing.

02:02:55.000 Sure, sure. 1.00

02:02:56.000 Or if he's stepping on your shit. 1.00

02:02:58.000 And those are two instances that happen all the time. 0.99

02:03:01.000 And what I mean by stepping on your shit, folks who don't know stand-up, like say if Eddie Ift had a joke about going to Jamba Juice, and it was like a signature bit about going to Jamba Juice, I might, if I want to fuck with him, if I was the middle act, I might go on stage and just make up my own joke about Jamba Juice that I wasn't doing the night before, 0.98

02:03:18.000 but I'll do it and it'll be clearly like I just slapped it together, but what I'm doing is trying to take the wind out of the sails of his Jamba Juice joke. 0.99

02:03:28.000 By already trampling on that subject.

02:03:30.000 It's a common thing that comics will do.

02:03:33.000 What I do get – every once in a while I'll get mad about it is somebody deliberately blowing the light and offensively blowing it.

02:03:40.000 Like not just – they're supposed to do 30 minutes and they end up doing 45. Especially because you have two shows and you have to close.

02:03:48.000 I'll get mad about that.

02:03:50.000 But it also has to be, it's not five minutes over. 0.97

02:03:54.000 It's when they go ten or twenty minutes over, I want to tear their face off. 0.96

02:03:58.000 Like a chimpanzee does. 0.94

02:04:00.000 Well, that's rude, and that's why people think you're on coke.

02:04:02.000 Jesus Christ, look at this.

02:04:04.000 You just say, I don't act like I'm on coke.

02:04:06.000 You're like, someone is talking for an extra five minutes.

02:04:09.000 20. I said 20. I said 20. Like a monkey.

02:04:11.000 Five minutes, they get away.

02:04:12.000 Why not exaggerate, bro?

02:04:13.000 The comedy is in the exaggeration.

02:04:15.000 So this weekend I had to do a 15-minute act.

02:04:19.000 That was clean.

02:04:20.000 And so I would, like, replace words. 0.93

02:04:22.000 Instead of, like, throwing cum, I would, like, throwing hot dog juice. 0.91

02:04:24.000 It ruins your show. 0.99

02:04:25.000 And I made it silly and goofy.

02:04:27.000 And I also did a lot of just what I call math jokes, which is just, like, this happens, this happens, that's why that happens. 1.00

02:04:32.000 It's kind of, you know, like dumb shit. 1.00

02:04:34.000 Where were you? 1.00

02:04:35.000 And it fucking worked. 0.99

02:04:35.000 And I was like, this is horrible. 0.99

02:04:37.000 This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life. 1.00

02:04:39.000 And you guys are loving it. 1.00

02:04:40.000 This is stupid. 1.00

02:04:40.000 Where were you? 1.00

02:04:41.000 Well, that's silly, because you should just enjoy it.

02:04:44.000 You know, you shouldn't get upset.

02:04:45.000 Your issue right now, Brian, as we talked about this before the show, is that he's like known in a lot of places, but you don't do that many shows for people who don't know you. 1.00

02:04:55.000 So people who know you, they know you're this silly bitch and you're ridiculous and you're always buying boner pills. 1.00

02:04:59.000 So they want to hear this ridiculous shit out of you. 1.00

02:05:02.000 But for people who don't know you, they're like, why is this guy talking about coming on the ceiling? 1.00

02:05:06.000 Like, you know? 0.99

02:05:07.000 Like, what the fuck are you saying? 0.99

02:05:09.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

02:05:09.000 Yeah, that's a tough combination. 0.99

02:05:11.000 And it's also, you know, you know this very well, that you can fall into when you're always performing for your crowd.

02:05:18.000 It gets easy.

02:05:19.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:05:20.000 You can get soft.

02:05:21.000 And you got to throw yourself into these situations where nobody knows you.

02:05:24.000 Have you watched anybody, like, recently that, like, disappointed the fuck out of you?

02:05:28.000 Yeah, and I can't say who.

02:05:29.000 I can't say who either.

02:05:30.000 But it hurt me.

02:05:31.000 Oh, it was brutal.

02:05:32.000 Me and Diaz left 15 minutes into this dude's set.

02:05:36.000 We're like, we're going to get out of here.

02:05:37.000 It was the laziest thing I'd ever seen. 1.00

02:05:39.000 There's a lot of that shit going around, man. 1.00

02:05:41.000 And I... I almost wanted to, as a friend, tell him that you can't do this. 1.00

02:05:48.000 There's a lot of people like that, though.

02:05:50.000 I've always tried to do my very best to give a great show.

02:05:56.000 I want to do the best to give the best at whatever I got at that point.

02:06:00.000 And I'll have better shows and worse shows, but I'm always trying my best.

02:06:05.000 Always.

02:06:06.000 And when I see someone that's, like, just sending it in or phoning it in, I'm like, and especially if they're doing it, and they're doing it because they already have a devoted audience, I'm like, do you understand what an amazing position you're in?

02:06:17.000 Yeah, how lucky you are, and you're cheating them. 0.83

02:06:19.000 Like, did you see, you saw the crazy Cat Williams shit, where he's, obviously there's an issue there, I don't know what the fuck it is, but do you know how many people, I mean, me, huge Cat Williams fan, I would be so sad if I went to see him, and that went down. 0.98

02:06:32.000 When he yells at someone in the audience and then leaves, and that's his whole set. 0.98

02:06:35.000 Because I remember his fucking specials where I thought the guy was brilliant. 0.97

02:06:39.000 I'm like, so fun. 0.99

02:06:40.000 So fun to watch.

02:06:42.000 I will never forget what it's like to be a fan.

02:06:45.000 I think the most important thing in order to still keep your zest for comedy is to still remain a fan of it.

02:06:52.000 And also the struggle.

02:06:53.000 I struggled for so long.

02:06:56.000 Well, you're still struggling in America. 0.99

02:06:57.000 It started to happen for me really quickly, and I'm glad it didn't because I would have been one of those assholes probably that just phones it in. 0.94

02:07:05.000 But what happened was I struggled for so long that now I value it so much more. 0.88

02:07:09.000 Yeah, but you're a hard worker anyway.

02:07:11.000 I mean, you're into CrossFit, and you're always...

02:07:14.000 You put forth a lot of energy. 0.98

02:07:16.000 You're not like a lazy guy who doesn't get shit done. 1.00

02:07:18.000 You just fucked up and you got famous in Australia. 0.99

02:07:22.000 Colin Quinn said to me one time, I was taking a cab from the cellar uptown to the comic strip or something and I shared a cab with Colin and it was after Saturday Night Live and he had done all this stuff and I went, Colin, what are you doing? 0.99

02:07:34.000 We're all young kids, Flying around to the clubs and Collin was a couple generations older.

02:07:40.000 I'm like, what are you doing with us?

02:07:41.000 Why are you doing this? 1.00

02:07:42.000 And he's like, because every time I see one of you little fuckers on stage doing a good joke, I think I got to write one better. 1.00

02:07:51.000 That's interesting. 0.99

02:07:52.000 I think it's compulsive among us.

02:07:54.000 When I see a comic killing it, I'm like, I got to go home and write jokes.

02:07:57.000 You know what else makes me want to write jokes?

02:07:59.000 When I see someone eating it.

02:08:01.000 When I see someone bombing, I listened to Comedy Central Radio today on Sirius XM. You know, Sirius XM has a bunch of different channels.

02:08:10.000 And my main car, for a long time, I have not had satellite radio.

02:08:13.000 And I've just been listening to the podcast.

02:08:15.000 But I was in a truck today.

02:08:17.000 And so as I'm driving around, I'm listening to all this stand-up.

02:08:20.000 And it was terrible after terrible after terrible after terrible.

02:08:25.000 I couldn't wait to go home and write.

02:08:27.000 I'm like, this is just...

02:08:28.000 It was a closing bit that a guy did.

02:08:31.000 And after the bit ended, you know, it's like, thank you, goodnight. 0.94

02:08:34.000 I was like, you gotta be fucking cute. 0.81

02:08:36.000 Oh, like that was your closer? 1.00

02:08:37.000 This is the laziest piece of shit I've ever heard in my life. 1.00

02:08:41.000 There's like zero thought into this. 1.00

02:08:42.000 Because the people that don't know, you try to put your best, like your strongest bit last.

02:08:47.000 Yes.

02:08:47.000 And so that When you hear thank you, goodnight, you're like, that shouldn't – that should have been his second joke.

02:08:53.000 It was such a hunk of shit. 1.00

02:08:54.000 It was such a hunk of shit. 1.00

02:08:56.000 But I went to – I went in there one day to SiriusXM to host some show, and I said, who's in charge here of programming the comedy? 1.00

02:09:05.000 And they were really cool about it.

02:09:06.000 I sat down with them, and I went through all my bits that they play, and I said, don't play that one anymore.

02:09:11.000 Don't play that one.

02:09:12.000 Don't play that one.

02:09:13.000 Don't play that one. 0.99

02:09:14.000 I took out shit that I want retired forever that I am not proud of anymore. 0.99

02:09:19.000 And that's why I constantly send them new shit too. 0.99

02:09:22.000 I'm like, play this stuff. 0.98

02:09:24.000 This is the stuff I'm proud of. 0.97

02:09:25.000 It's always funny too when you listen to stuff that you think sucks.

02:09:28.000 And obviously somebody liked it. 0.77

02:09:30.000 There's people that were laughing and were playing it. 0.98

02:09:32.000 I just thought it sucked.

02:09:33.000 But then all of a sudden, boom, someone comes on who's actually funny.

02:09:37.000 You know?

02:09:37.000 Yeah.

02:09:37.000 Like, they played Brian Posehn's special.

02:09:40.000 Yeah.

02:09:41.000 And all of a sudden, I'm laughing.

02:09:42.000 Yeah.

02:09:42.000 You know?

02:09:42.000 Like, out of nowhere, like, oh, this is actual comedy.

02:09:45.000 But before that, I was just listening to the nonsense.

02:09:48.000 It was like somebody who just, like, structures sentence and said it in a certain way, and I'm supposed to think it's hilarious.

02:09:53.000 I'm such a fan of comedy that I like when I'm listening to that stuff, and there's a comic I don't like, and all of a sudden, I get them, and I start liking them.

02:10:02.000 Like a comic that I would see in the club and I'm like, oh, I didn't like that and it might have been five years ago.

02:10:06.000 And all of a sudden I hear something new and I'm like, oh, they've gotten funny.

02:10:10.000 Yeah.

02:10:10.000 And I like to see, like, people are like...

02:10:12.000 If they've actually gotten funny.

02:10:14.000 You're telling me you're getting hypnotized and you're getting tricked.

02:10:16.000 No, like, would they actually have...

02:10:17.000 I've seen guys that weren't funny become so funny.

02:10:20.000 Oh, yeah, without a doubt.

02:10:21.000 And it's one of the great...

02:10:22.000 Like, I... That is a beautiful thing.

02:10:24.000 I love that.

02:10:24.000 And people think, oh, comics are so competitive and they all hate and they want to see...

02:10:28.000 No, I want to see everybody. 0.99

02:10:29.000 I would love to walk in a comedy club and have every comedian fucking make me laugh. 0.98

02:10:33.000 You buying this? 0.99

02:10:34.000 I do, because I felt the same way.

02:10:37.000 And this guy, though?

02:10:38.000 I mean, well, he does cook.

02:10:40.000 I mean, I felt the same way. 0.98

02:10:42.000 Brody Stevens is a perfect example where when I first met Brody, I fucking hated him. 0.97

02:10:46.000 I was scared of him. 0.97

02:10:49.000 I always loved Brody.

02:10:51.000 I don't get it.

02:10:52.000 I knew Brody before you.

02:10:53.000 I thought he was awesome.

02:10:54.000 He made me laugh from day one when he was barking at the Comedy Cellar.

02:10:57.000 Yeah, I knew him from the Man Show.

02:11:01.000 He was the audience warm-up guy.

02:11:03.000 And he was just, like, really hard, like, I remember he was just like, like, we were slaves, like, screaming at us.

02:11:08.000 I just remember, he was just screaming at us. 0.98

02:11:10.000 I think you were probably way too high and you fucking freaked out. 0.98

02:11:13.000 Yeah. 0.92

02:11:14.000 Well, then, you know, I met him a couple months later at the comedy store with you and I got to see him and then I was like, alright, I see what he's doing here. 0.98

02:11:21.000 Fucking, now I love him. 0.97

02:11:22.000 He's just Brody. 0.99

02:11:23.000 He used to bark outside the comedy cellar to get people, he worked for them.

02:11:26.000 And his job was to get people in the seats, you know, come on, two for one. 0.96

02:11:31.000 And he was so fucking funny, barking people and, people! 0.96

02:11:36.000 Comedy downstairs! 0.98

02:11:37.000 Well, that's where I think he's at his best.

02:11:39.000 He has a warm-up.

02:11:41.000 He's like the greatest warm-up ever.

02:11:43.000 He's really fun, the way he does it.

02:11:45.000 And when you see a guy like that just completely ad-libbing, one of the best shows I've ever seen, best sets.

02:11:51.000 You know when you see a show and it's a late show, And there's many comics that have been up, and it seems like the room's dead.

02:11:59.000 And then one guy comes in and just with magic, just runs around the room.

02:12:04.000 Brody Stevens took his shirt off and started swinging it over his head while he was screaming for everybody to wake up, the show's not over, and there was like some music playing, and he got on stage and he had drumsticks.

02:12:17.000 Did he play the drums?

02:12:18.000 Yeah!

02:12:19.000 But it was the way he did it.

02:12:20.000 It was all ad-libbed.

02:12:22.000 He just went with the flow of things and took the audience on a ride.

02:12:25.000 You know why?

02:12:25.000 If you talk to Brody, he's truly in the moment.

02:12:29.000 It's all about that show right there.

02:12:32.000 It's not about, well, I already have all those good shows I've done.

02:12:36.000 He's about...

02:12:38.000 What am I doing right now? 0.99

02:12:39.000 And he'll feel like shit after that show if he didn't do well. 1.00

02:12:43.000 So he's fucking performing for his life. 1.00

02:12:47.000 He's like, I gotta win this crowd. 1.00

02:12:49.000 I have to kill. 0.99

02:12:51.000 And there's something about that. 1.00

02:12:53.000 I mean, that makes him great.

02:12:54.000 But he loves it.

02:12:56.000 He's still a fan of stand-up comedy.

02:12:59.000 Those are the best guys.

02:13:00.000 The guys are the most fun and the guys are actually still appreciated. 0.91

02:13:03.000 There's a weird thing that happens when Somebody's been doing stand-up for a long time, and then all of a sudden they decide that, oh, I fucking hate it. 0.92

02:13:10.000 I hate stand-up. 0.99

02:13:10.000 I hate my crowd. 0.99

02:13:11.000 I hate this. 0.91

02:13:12.000 I hate that.

02:13:12.000 And they just don't want to do it anymore.

02:13:14.000 It's like, man, I really think you need to rethink this.

02:13:17.000 I've gone through phases where it's not that I hate it.

02:13:19.000 Where I'll go, I hate where I'm at right now.

02:13:22.000 And what happens usually is I start bombing them for a while, and I actually welcome a bombing period.

02:13:29.000 A month of bombing where I'm – A month?

02:13:32.000 Not like bombs, but like I'm an extremist.

02:13:35.000 I'll say I killed or I bombed, and it will just be average. 0.99

02:13:38.000 And it – but when I have a bad period, I'm usually about to come into a whole bunch of new shit. 0.99

02:13:45.000 Yeah, the desperation. 0.75

02:13:46.000 Yeah, I'm just angry about everything and the act, and then I write – with Australia, I have to write a whole new hour every year. 1.00

02:13:53.000 I have to.

02:13:55.000 I cannot go there without a new hour.

02:13:57.000 And I freak out about it.

02:13:58.000 Do you really like going there?

02:14:00.000 Yeah, I do enjoy it.

02:14:01.000 But you're already famous there.

02:14:03.000 I wouldn't say I'm famous.

02:14:05.000 You said you're a crowd there.

02:14:06.000 Yeah, I've got a crowd.

02:14:07.000 And I sell tickets.

02:14:08.000 But you don't feel like you're there in America.

02:14:11.000 No, not even close.

02:14:13.000 But you want to be, right?

02:14:14.000 I would love to.

02:14:15.000 So why don't you just put all your emphasis on that?

02:14:17.000 I probably should, but I got bills and stuff, and Australia pays the bills.

02:14:22.000 How long do you go over there for?

02:14:23.000 This year I only did about six weeks.

02:14:27.000 Oh, okay.

02:14:27.000 Okay.

02:14:28.000 I thought you were like...

02:14:29.000 No, I was...

02:14:29.000 Doesn't Arge do like six months or something?

02:14:31.000 Arge is there like almost half the year.

02:14:33.000 I was doing four months for a while. 0.99

02:14:35.000 You know, that is pretty badass though if you can actually live in two different countries because Australia is fucking cool as shit. 0.97

02:14:42.000 If you can get used to being over there and that becomes just like home to you... 0.74

02:14:46.000 Is it easy to get used to?

02:14:47.000 I've never been there.

02:14:49.000 They're like Americans. 0.59

02:14:52.000 They won't like me saying this, but it's like the 51st state.

02:14:55.000 They're so in tune with everything we're doing that you would be so comfortable.

02:15:00.000 But they're more relaxed.

02:15:01.000 Yeah, way more relaxed.

02:15:02.000 They're more fun.

02:15:03.000 They're more relaxed.

02:15:05.000 The men are more like men. 0.90

02:15:07.000 The women are more like women. 1.00

02:15:08.000 They're less hung up.

02:15:10.000 Yes, very Texas-ish.

02:15:11.000 Very Texas-ish.

02:15:13.000 The best aspects of Texas.

02:15:13.000 20 million people in a place as big as America.

02:15:16.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous.

02:15:18.000 So, you know, we've got 300-some million people.

02:15:19.000 They've got 20 million, too.

02:15:21.000 So it's just a lot easier. 0.98

02:15:22.000 You would fucking love it there. 0.98

02:15:25.000 You would love it there. 0.98

02:15:26.000 It's so nice there.

02:15:27.000 The shows are fun as hell to do there.

02:15:29.000 The shows are amazing.

02:15:30.000 Yeah, and the UFCs we've done there have been amazing.

02:15:33.000 I really love it there.

02:15:35.000 I've been there.

02:15:35.000 There's a few countries that I would think about living in, besides America.

02:15:39.000 There's only two, really.

02:15:40.000 Australia's one of them, and Canada's another one.

02:15:42.000 Because it would be the least amount of altering my life.

02:15:48.000 Do they drive on the right side of the road?

02:15:49.000 Which side of the road do they drive?

02:15:50.000 No, they're on the other side. 1.00

02:15:51.000 Those motherfuckers. 1.00

02:15:52.000 That's bad. 1.00

02:15:53.000 That's why you've got to live in Canada.

02:15:54.000 When you had David Lee Roth on, I listened to that episode, when you were talking to David Lee Roth, and he was talking about going to Japan.

02:15:59.000 And I was like, are you... 1.00

02:16:00.000 Fucking crazy. 1.00

02:16:01.000 He's so gangster. 1.00

02:16:02.000 Like, that's crazy. 0.84

02:16:03.000 He moves in an apartment in Japan.

02:16:05.000 Not knowing anyone.

02:16:05.000 Regular people.

02:16:06.000 One of the biggest rock stars in the history of the universe.

02:16:08.000 He's taking swords fighting lessons.

02:16:11.000 I'm so jealous.

02:16:11.000 With his dog.

02:16:12.000 I wouldn't do that.

02:16:12.000 I couldn't.

02:16:13.000 I almost went to Japan last, like, two weeks ago.

02:16:15.000 You could do that, Brian.

02:16:16.000 You know, that could be your life someday.

02:16:17.000 You could easily be that guy.

02:16:19.000 I'm going.

02:16:20.000 I'm not saying you'd be David Lee Roth.

02:16:22.000 No.

02:16:22.000 I'm just being clear on that.

02:16:23.000 But what I mean is...

02:16:25.000 You could be the type of guy that just decides to...

02:16:27.000 Look, one day, eventually, it's going to be ridiculous that we're all sitting in a room together doing this.

02:16:31.000 We won't need to.

02:16:33.000 There'll be an immersion technology that's so fucking complete that we'll all be Skyping this.

02:16:39.000 We won't need to have a studio where we show up.

02:16:41.000 There'll be holograms of us.

02:16:42.000 Yeah, this is probably totally old school. 0.97

02:16:44.000 So one day we're going to get to a point where there'll be some virtual place where we all meet to do a podcast, and all we're doing is sitting in front of our fucking laptop slapping a headgear on. 0.96

02:16:54.000 Yeah, or something. 0.80

02:16:55.000 Or, you know, Oculus Rift or something like that.

02:16:57.000 I mean, this Ustream setup in iTunes is probably going to be archaic in the future.

02:17:01.000 I mean, being on Sirius Satellite Radio, it's going to be archaic in the future.

02:17:04.000 There's probably going to be some...

02:17:06.000 Nobody saw this coming, right? 0.98

02:17:08.000 So who the fuck is going to see what's coming in 50, 60 years? 0.98

02:17:10.000 Or less. 0.99

02:17:12.000 And that's you, buddy. 0.98

02:17:13.000 You're on Maui, chilling, fucking drinking a Mai Tai, taking a month off of life, living there, still doing podcasts. 0.99

02:17:20.000 It's possible. 0.99

02:17:21.000 It's totally possible.

02:17:22.000 I don't plan on being in L.A. very long.

02:17:24.000 And I've been trying to figure out what's possible as far as, like, where can I live, where I can still do...

02:17:30.000 I'd go to Australia.

02:17:31.000 We were having issues with...

02:17:33.000 I mean, my parents are getting old and I want to be near my parents.

02:17:35.000 They're on the East Coast.

02:17:36.000 But I'm still a five-hour flight away, whereas Australia, I'm 20 hours away.

02:17:40.000 Right.

02:17:41.000 My fiancé, her parents are East Coast.

02:17:43.000 I met her over there.

02:17:44.000 She's an American, but I met her there. 0.95

02:17:46.000 I would probably pick up and leave if we didn't have the families here because I like it that much over there.

02:17:53.000 Right.

02:17:55.000 Also, the dogs.

02:17:56.000 Taking my dogs over there, you gotta quarantine them. 0.98

02:17:58.000 Right.

02:17:59.000 I mean, I'd take them. 0.98

02:18:00.000 If there was no quarantine and I flew private or something, I'd fucking... 0.98

02:18:03.000 Okay, so no family. 0.99

02:18:05.000 No dogs.

02:18:06.000 No dogs. 1.00

02:18:07.000 You would just fucking live there. 0.99

02:18:08.000 Yep. 0.99

02:18:09.000 Why not, right?

02:18:09.000 Yeah.

02:18:09.000 You love surfing.

02:18:10.000 You're there surfing?

02:18:11.000 Yeah, surf every day.

02:18:12.000 I'm there.

02:18:12.000 There's a lot of sharks there, isn't there?

02:18:14.000 West Coast.

02:18:15.000 West Coast, they had five deaths last year.

02:18:18.000 That's how many are in the world every year?

02:18:20.000 No.

02:18:20.000 They had it in one year.

02:18:22.000 That is bad odds.

02:18:23.000 There's talk it could be a Jaws.

02:18:25.000 Like, it's the same shark.

02:18:26.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:18:29.000 And they haven't caught it yet? 0.99

02:18:31.000 No, it was a weird fucking year. 0.99

02:18:33.000 And I was there this year. 0.98

02:18:35.000 I went to Perth, and I looked into going surfing, and I was going to go down the Margaret River.

02:18:39.000 And I just went, hmm...

02:18:43.000 I talked to one dude who used to surf there all the time.

02:18:45.000 He goes, I think about sharks like one out of every 20 times I'm surfing.

02:18:49.000 He goes, every day.

02:18:51.000 I think about them every day, though.

02:18:52.000 It's been ingrained in us, even though it's such an unlikely incident.

02:18:56.000 It's in my head.

02:18:57.000 Well, a couple of years ago, a guy died in Santa Barbara.

02:18:59.000 That's like right there.

02:19:00.000 He was north of Santa Barbara.

02:19:01.000 He was near Halama Beach.

02:19:03.000 Okay, you would know.

02:19:04.000 It was a surf beach.

02:19:05.000 Is it a good beach?

02:19:06.000 I've surfed it, but the crazy thing about it...

02:19:10.000 Two years before that, same day, a shark killed a guy.

02:19:14.000 Same day?

02:19:15.000 Same day two years earlier.

02:19:16.000 You know when the one scares me the most?

02:19:18.000 The one in San Diego.

02:19:19.000 The swimmer?

02:19:20.000 Where the guys were swimming, a hundred yards out.

02:19:22.000 Yeah.

02:19:22.000 They were pretty far out.

02:19:23.000 He was like a triathlete.

02:19:24.000 Yeah, they were training.

02:19:27.000 It's so rare though.

02:19:28.000 The other people were all with them, they're all aligned together, they're all training together, and you see this one guy just get cut in half.

02:19:35.000 Was he wearing like a brighter swimsuit or anything different than the other?

02:19:39.000 Nope.

02:19:39.000 Just got lucky.

02:19:39.000 And this fucking thing is like a 16 foot great white.

02:19:43.000 It's a big shark and it cuts him right in half. 1.00

02:19:45.000 You have a better chance of getting killed by like a cow trampling on you. 0.76

02:19:48.000 Stop. 1.00

02:19:48.000 Stop your nonsense. 1.00

02:19:49.000 That's not true. 1.00

02:19:50.000 Because I'm nowhere near fucking cows. 0.99

02:19:52.000 Okay? 0.99

02:19:52.000 If you're out there in the ocean, you're in shark territory. 0.99

02:19:55.000 What about dogs?

02:19:56.000 Dogs kill way more people. 0.77

02:19:57.000 I hate that nonsense scenario. 0.98

02:19:59.000 There's a better chance of you getting hit by lightning than killed by a shark. 0.98

02:20:03.000 That's true. 0.99

02:20:04.000 But that's not true if you're going in the fucking water. 0.99

02:20:06.000 Because most people aren't going in the fucking water. 1.00

02:20:08.000 When people say that shit, that's a dumb statistic. 1.00

02:20:11.000 There's still millions and millions. 1.00

02:20:13.000 That statistic does not work. 1.00

02:20:13.000 You know, you have a zero percent chance of dying in a plane crash if you don't get on a fucking plane. 1.00

02:20:17.000 Do you know that? 1.00

02:20:18.000 Sure.

02:20:18.000 Yeah.

02:20:19.000 See, that's a real statistic.

02:20:21.000 Yeah.

02:20:21.000 Not this nonsense of, it's more likely that you get hit by lightning.

02:20:25.000 There's a better chance, apparently, more people die from vending machines falling on them.

02:20:29.000 0% of sharks occur outside of the water.

02:20:32.000 No sharks.

02:20:33.000 Not if you talk to Australians. 1.00

02:20:34.000 You'll think they fucking fly out of the water. 1.00

02:20:37.000 Well, they can. 0.99

02:20:37.000 They can fly out of the water. 0.99

02:20:38.000 Speaking of which, I saw the other day, and I was on Marco Island, Florida.

02:20:42.000 I saw a stingray fly out of the water, like five feet out of the water, and then back And that's how that woman died on the boat in Key West or something.

02:20:53.000 She was on a boat.

02:20:54.000 Oh, that's right. 0.99

02:20:54.000 And a stingray just came out and fucking clocked her and she hit the boat and died. 0.99

02:20:58.000 Yeah, that's right. 0.99

02:20:59.000 Like, I think it was a head injury.

02:21:00.000 Yeah, my god.

02:21:01.000 Could you imagine if you were there and you saw that happen? 0.99

02:21:03.000 When I saw this thing come out of the water, I was like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:21:07.000 Have you seen those fucking fish that fly out of the water when you're driving by in a boat? 1.00

02:21:14.000 Are they swordfish? 1.00

02:21:15.000 They're an invasive species. 0.63

02:21:18.000 They're a species, I think they're called, I think it's, let me Google flying fish snakeheads or something like that.

02:21:28.000 I think it's a snakehead.

02:21:29.000 I might be confusing my fish. 1.00

02:21:31.000 What these fucking things do is they fly out of the water. 0.99

02:21:37.000 And these people are driving boats, and they're literally launching themselves at you, and you hit them with tennis rackets. 1.00

02:21:44.000 It's crazy.

02:21:46.000 I'm going to see if I can find the very...

02:21:50.000 While you're looking for that, I know a guy that's been attacked by a shark twice. 0.97

02:21:54.000 Oh my god, what is he, retarded? 1.00

02:21:56.000 Yeah, he's... 1.00

02:21:56.000 Does he hate himself? 1.00

02:21:58.000 You can Google him.

02:21:59.000 Ben Vening, he was in...

02:22:04.000 Friends of mine hooked me up with them.

02:22:05.000 They're like, hey, this dude will take you surfing tomorrow.

02:22:07.000 We were out in a bar and I was like, oh, cool.

02:22:09.000 Where are we going to surf?

02:22:10.000 He goes, we'll surf Talos Beach, which is on one side of Byron Bay.

02:22:13.000 And I have stood up at the lighthouse and looked down at Talos. 0.99

02:22:17.000 And if you look down, you can see dolphins, sharks, whales, all kinds of shit in the water. 0.99

02:22:21.000 I go, I'm not fucking surfing there. 0.99

02:22:23.000 And he goes, it's cool, man. 0.98

02:22:25.000 It's real.

02:22:25.000 I surf it all the time.

02:22:26.000 And I go, no way, man.

02:22:27.000 Too much sea life there.

02:22:28.000 I'm not going in.

02:22:29.000 And he goes, I've been attacked.

02:22:32.000 He starts telling me the story.

02:22:34.000 I go, I saw you on the news.

02:22:35.000 I saw you on the news.

02:22:36.000 You're the guy.

02:22:37.000 He goes, yeah.

02:22:38.000 And I go, fine.

02:22:38.000 I'm going with you.

02:22:39.000 What are the chances of most unlikely incident happen to the same – and he goes, well, I've – I've been attacked twice. 1.00

02:22:46.000 And I go, fuck off! 0.99

02:22:48.000 And he told me another time he was out there and a bunch of Makos were frolicking and he'd see them. 1.00

02:22:53.000 Now if I saw that, I'm out of the water.

02:22:54.000 What's wrong with him?

02:22:55.000 And he said one of them broke free, came at him, and he just started punching at it and pushing it away and it left him alone.

02:23:04.000 But the The other shark, I think it was a white pointer, bit his board and you can see the teeth marks.

02:23:10.000 You can Google and look at the picture.

02:23:11.000 Is it because of like internal hemorrhoids or something like that you think?

02:23:14.000 What?

02:23:15.000 That they came after him because of the blood thing?

02:23:16.000 I cut my foot the other day in Australia pretty bad and I didn't realize it was bad because...

02:23:22.000 When you're in water constantly, the bloods...

02:23:24.000 Google flying silver carp.

02:23:27.000 That's the fish. 1.00

02:23:28.000 Flying silver carp are the ones that fly out of the fucking water when you drive your boat. 0.99

02:23:32.000 Yeah, apparently it's a little bit of blood that has to be in the water. 0.99

02:23:35.000 That's it.

02:23:36.000 Yeah, it's probably internal hemorrhoids.

02:23:37.000 He might be getting turned out every night.

02:23:40.000 That's why he kept on getting...

02:23:40.000 Brian, please.

02:23:41.000 Will you just fucking think about what you're saying before you say it? 1.00

02:23:43.000 Well, if there's a little blood in your butt... 1.00

02:23:46.000 Yeah, apparently it's just a little bit of blood that can... 0.99

02:23:49.000 That's all it takes.

02:23:50.000 Girls on their period probably should never go in the water with their sharks. 0.99

02:23:54.000 Is that a fact?

02:23:56.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:23:57.000 I just don't get it.

02:23:58.000 I mean, I would imagine it would be really fun, but I just can't believe it would be fun enough to risk.

02:24:04.000 There used to be a rumor that if you piss in your wetsuit, which everyone does, that the urine gives off the same kind of...

02:24:10.000 Scent that the blood does that attracts the sharks.

02:24:12.000 Because there was a guy in South Africa.

02:24:14.000 You need to see this video.

02:24:16.000 He's riding the wave.

02:24:18.000 He's up.

02:24:19.000 Cruising down the wave.

02:24:20.000 Up and down on the face of the wave.

02:24:23.000 And two sharks converge on him.

02:24:25.000 And grab him. 0.81

02:24:27.000 By the arm, and they ram into each other, and that's why they let go of them. 0.99

02:24:31.000 See these guys getting nailed by these fucking fish? 0.99

02:24:34.000 They fly through the air. 1.00

02:24:35.000 And they're all bloody, too. 1.00

02:24:36.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:24:36.000 Well, they land, and they get fucking shattered. 1.00

02:24:38.000 I like how the guys just stepping up. 1.00

02:24:40.000 But look at these fucking things. 0.99

02:24:41.000 They just fly through the air, man. 1.00

02:24:42.000 They're all over the place.

02:24:43.000 What are they called?

02:24:44.000 Silver?

02:24:44.000 Flying silver carp.

02:24:45.000 And they're an invasive species.

02:24:46.000 See that?

02:24:47.000 Like as these guys are...

02:24:48.000 Look at that.

02:24:49.000 They're just flying all over the place.

02:24:51.000 Like frogfish.

02:24:51.000 I mean, they literally launch themselves in the air.

02:24:54.000 And sometimes when you go through like a whole school of them and there's like an infestation, like it really can be dangerous. 0.99

02:25:00.000 People are getting hit in the head and shit. 0.98

02:25:01.000 And these things are an invasive species. 0.99

02:25:04.000 Like, they've taken off.

02:25:05.000 They're not supposed to be there, I don't think. 0.97

02:25:07.000 And I think, if I remember correctly, somebody introduced them to these areas, and now they're just fucking taking off like crazy. 0.93

02:25:13.000 How fun would it be forcing other fish out? 0.91

02:25:15.000 How funny would it be to, like, shroom or get really baked and just go down here and get attacked?

02:25:20.000 How funny would it be if you died that way? 0.54

02:25:22.000 If I was on mushrooms and a fish lodged in his mouth...

02:25:26.000 I think I'd rather... 0.87

02:25:27.000 Choked to death. 0.97

02:25:27.000 I think I'd rather die from a shark attack than one of these things. 0.97

02:25:31.000 These fucking things. 1.00

02:25:32.000 What a crazy ass fish. 1.00

02:25:33.000 Piranhas would be bad. 1.00

02:25:34.000 Piranhas would be awful. 1.00

02:25:36.000 What is wrong with these fucking fish, man? 1.00

02:25:38.000 That's so weird. 1.00

02:25:40.000 Did you ever watch the noodle, the catfish?

02:25:43.000 Yes.

02:25:44.000 Yeah, I love those shows. 1.00

02:25:46.000 I was in my fucking hotel room. 1.00

02:25:48.000 I forget where it was. 0.99

02:25:49.000 And I was bored out of my mind, so I watched an entire episode of this show where they stick their hands in holes and get catfish.

02:25:58.000 Their arms all bloody, too. 0.98

02:26:00.000 Yeah, if you don't know what noodling is, it's the weirdest fucking thing ever. 0.98

02:26:03.000 They go through the mouth and out the gill. 0.99

02:26:05.000 It's disgusting.

02:26:06.000 And then pick them up.

02:26:08.000 I mean, they're like hundreds of pounds. 0.99

02:26:10.000 You know, these fucking silver carp can get to be a hundred pounds. 1.00

02:26:14.000 That'll knock you the fuck out. 1.00

02:26:16.000 They can get to be 110 pounds, and they fly through the fucking air. 0.99

02:26:19.000 They were imported from China in the 1970s for use in aquaculture ponds to control plankton. 0.96

02:26:25.000 By the early 1980s, both species had escaped into open waters in the southern states.

02:26:30.000 Wow.

02:26:31.000 This is a fish called a big head, and the other one called a silver carp.

02:26:35.000 Here's a dude noodling. 1.00

02:26:36.000 This is fucking nuts, man. 0.99

02:26:38.000 No established populations are known... 1.00

02:26:42.000 The carp had been caught by commercial fishermen over the last few years.

02:26:45.000 Apparently people started eating them.

02:26:46.000 Is that what an invasive species is, when they bring it in?

02:26:49.000 Yeah.

02:26:50.000 They bring a fish.

02:26:51.000 Was that noodling? 0.99

02:26:53.000 These guys are so crazy.

02:26:54.000 Because sometimes they get turtles. 1.00

02:26:56.000 They reach in there and there's snapping turtles in there and they get their fucking hand bitten off. 0.99

02:27:00.000 Like, guys have gotten fucked up doing this. 1.00

02:27:04.000 Jesus. 0.99

02:27:07.000 It's like rodeo caps.

02:27:10.000 Well, some guys really get dragged underwater.

02:27:13.000 Really?

02:27:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:27:14.000 They get fucked up, man. 1.00

02:27:16.000 Because you've got to get a good grip on these cunts. 1.00

02:27:19.000 So really, it's such a primal way. 0.99

02:27:21.000 That looks fake.

02:27:22.000 That looks completely fake.

02:27:23.000 Is it fake?

02:27:24.000 I don't know.

02:27:25.000 It looks fake.

02:27:26.000 But some of them...

02:27:28.000 I mean, look.

02:27:28.000 If you grab a hold of a...

02:27:30.000 Oh, my God.

02:27:33.000 What is that?

02:27:37.000 Catch a funnel head and release it. 0.95

02:27:40.000 Wow, he's letting it go.

02:27:42.000 That's a weird...

02:27:43.000 What's wrong with the thing's mouth? 0.89

02:27:45.000 Where my parents live in Pittsburgh.

02:27:48.000 What is that?

02:27:51.000 It's hard to tell in that picture what's really going on.

02:27:55.000 What a beauty.

02:27:57.000 Alright.

02:27:58.000 Wow, he's going to let that thing go.

02:28:00.000 I don't think that's real.

02:28:00.000 It's hard to tell if that's real.

02:28:02.000 Yes, I'm sure there's some that are online that are real. 0.94

02:28:04.000 But grab your arm and put it in the mouth of a 100 pound animal. 0.99

02:28:08.000 Yeah, not going to do that.

02:28:09.000 And it's in its environment. 0.98

02:28:11.000 Not going to fucking do that. 0.99

02:28:11.000 I don't think people understand how strong a fucking 100 pound catfish is either. 0.99

02:28:15.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:28:15.000 I mean, you ever like catch, what's the biggest fish you've ever caught? 0.97

02:28:18.000 Like 12 inches.

02:28:19.000 And it was like...

02:28:20.000 Oh my god, look at the size of these catfish. 0.70

02:28:22.000 200 pound.

02:28:23.000 That's what these are?

02:28:24.000 Yep.

02:28:27.000 Why are they so confident they can hold on to these things?

02:28:30.000 These things are still alive.

02:28:31.000 They're cute.

02:28:33.000 But how weird is it that they can hold on to these things?

02:28:36.000 They're still alive, they're in the water.

02:28:38.000 Why don't they just freak out and get free?

02:28:40.000 Like they're holding...

02:28:41.000 If you don't watch the show, if you're just listening, these two...

02:28:44.000 It seems like Russian, right?

02:28:46.000 Speaking Russian?

02:28:48.000 French.

02:28:54.000 No, that's Spanish, is it?

02:28:57.000 Is that Spanish?

02:28:59.000 Yeah, that sounds like almost Italian.

02:29:04.000 Yeah, it sounds like Italian. 1.00

02:29:07.000 These fucking catfish, these guys, whatever it is, these catfish these guys are holding are fucking boats. 1.00

02:29:13.000 They're boats. 1.00

02:29:15.000 Yeah.

02:29:15.000 That's a seven foot long beast.

02:29:17.000 That's the size of a dolphin.

02:29:18.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:29:19.000 It's like a dolphin size.

02:29:20.000 It's insane. 1.00

02:29:23.000 When they catch those things, man, those things feed a whole fucking village. 0.99

02:29:27.000 How are they going to let it go? 1.00

02:29:28.000 Look at that.

02:29:29.000 Good for you.

02:29:30.000 They're like, I know where you live.

02:29:33.000 When I let you go, one day I'm going to call upon you.

02:29:36.000 I'm going to turn you into sticks. 1.00

02:29:40.000 There's the largest catfish ever caught.

02:29:43.000 There's a photo of this, I think it was like Thailand or someone like that.

02:29:47.000 They caught this insanely large catfish.

02:29:50.000 I mean, and it shows like this whole like village like participating and cooking and eating this catfish.

02:29:56.000 But it's a whale.

02:29:58.000 I mean, the largest cat, Google that, largest catfish.

02:30:02.000 How much is it?

02:30:02.000 I don't know.

02:30:03.000 I don't remember.

02:30:04.000 I don't want to even say it because we can find it soon.

02:30:06.000 Catfish.

02:30:10.000 I think it's something enormous, like over a thousand pounds.

02:30:13.000 Here's a 220 pound catfish being caught.

02:30:21.000 Let's see.

02:30:22.000 The nine largest fish ever caught.

02:30:25.000 Apparently catfish is in that mix.

02:30:28.000 Which is insane.

02:30:29.000 I think the largest fish ever caught is a shark, if I'm correct.

02:30:34.000 I think like a mako shark is like one of the largest fish ever caught.

02:30:37.000 Really, a mako? 1.00

02:30:38.000 Yeah, blue catfish is number nine.

02:30:41.000 Okay, ready for this?

02:30:42.000 World record bluefish.

02:30:45.000 Oh, it's not nearly as big as I thought.

02:30:47.000 It's 130 pounds.

02:30:48.000 Okay, that's not the biggest catfish.

02:30:50.000 No, because that one was 200. Yeah, the one we were just watching is 220 pounds.

02:30:53.000 Okay, tigerfish.

02:30:55.000 This is how big the biggest ones get.

02:30:59.000 Tigerfish, 100 pounds.

02:31:00.000 Alligator gar, 230 pounds.

02:31:04.000 Jesus Christ.

02:31:05.000 I'm pretty sure those get bigger than that, too.

02:31:07.000 Largemouth bass.

02:31:08.000 Wait, but the sharks, they get thousands of pounds.

02:31:09.000 Okay, this is it.

02:31:10.000 Mekong giant grizzly bear catfish.

02:31:15.000 The adult, 9 foot long, 646 pounds.

02:31:22.000 Oh my God.

02:31:24.000 Mick Kong Giant Catfish.

02:31:26.000 M-E-K-O-N-G Giant Catfish.

02:31:31.000 That's apparently the biggest freshwater. 0.98

02:31:33.000 Is this with rod and reel?

02:31:35.000 I'm pretty sure.

02:31:36.000 I'm not sure.

02:31:37.000 But the biggest fish ever caught is a tuna.

02:31:40.000 And the biggest fish ever caught is 1,496 pounds.

02:31:44.000 Oh, that would make you some money.

02:31:46.000 It's enormous. 1.00

02:31:48.000 This guy's standing in front of this fucking thing, and it's way bigger than him. 0.99

02:31:53.000 That's some serious cash. 1.00

02:31:54.000 Yeah, that's a crazy fish too.

02:31:55.000 Tunas are just all muscle.

02:31:57.000 Yeah. 0.95

02:31:57.000 They're super gangster, you know? 0.95

02:31:59.000 They're just flying around in giant schools jacking other fish. 0.99

02:32:03.000 So if you can catch one that's a thousand fucking pounds. 0.98

02:32:06.000 That's a lot of money. 0.99

02:32:07.000 Imagine a hundred thousand thousand pounders under the ocean just fucking everything up in front of them. 1.00

02:32:13.000 And some asshole comes along with a fake fish and just ganks them. 1.00

02:32:16.000 Ganks them out of the world. 1.00

02:32:17.000 I went down in the cage in South Africa with the Great Whites. 1.00

02:32:20.000 Oh, you silly bitch. 1.00

02:32:22.000 And when you see these things coming at you, monsters. 1.00

02:32:27.000 Oh my god.

02:32:28.000 Monsters.

02:32:28.000 Why did you do that?

02:32:29.000 Were you totally, completely convinced that they were going to be able to keep the things away from you?

02:32:34.000 Well, they put you in the cage, and the top of the cage is open to the boat, so you can climb out of the cage and into the boat, so it's almost like you're in a steel cage aquarium.

02:32:45.000 But you gotta put on a wetsuit and snorkel and everything and they either run an oxygen thing down to you or you wear a snorkel and you go up and down.

02:32:54.000 Hold your breath, go down, and watch for a while.

02:32:57.000 But you wait for four hours for the sharks to show up.

02:33:01.000 They put fish oil in the water because it's illegal to put chum in the water.

02:33:04.000 They can't do that.

02:33:06.000 Well, weren't there, like, there was a show that they were filming in South Africa, I believe.

02:33:11.000 Yeah, we were there.

02:33:12.000 We were down at, I forget what the area.

02:33:14.000 We were in, I think, Hermanus.

02:33:16.000 And there's a place like Seal Island or something.

02:33:19.000 Well, they blame these people for a death because they were chumming to get the sharks, to catch sharks on their show.

02:33:26.000 So they made that illegal.

02:33:28.000 But they still put fish oil in the water.

02:33:30.000 It's not the same thing?

02:33:31.000 I think so, pretty much.

02:33:33.000 And they put fish oil in the water. 1.00

02:33:36.000 Look at that fucking catfish. 1.00

02:33:38.000 Holy fuck. 1.00

02:33:40.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:33:42.000 It's the size of a dolphin.

02:33:46.000 There's pictures of them.

02:33:47.000 That's the tuna.

02:33:47.000 That's the biggest fish ever caught, apparently.

02:33:50.000 But these great whites, they were the big fuckers. 1.00

02:33:52.000 They were as big as you can imagine. 1.00

02:33:55.000 How big do you think the biggest great white is?

02:33:58.000 What's the biggest great white ever caught? 0.83

02:34:00.000 Because it seems like a great white would be heavier than a tuna.

02:34:02.000 Probably like 20 foot.

02:34:03.000 Does that make sense?

02:34:04.000 Let's say biggest great white ever caught.

02:34:08.000 I mean, I was looking at ones that were at least 12 feet.

02:34:11.000 At least.

02:34:12.000 12 feet long?

02:34:12.000 Yeah.

02:34:13.000 How much is a 12 foot long fucking shark weigh? 1.00

02:34:15.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:34:17.000 At least 12. These were terrifying.

02:34:20.000 Jesus.

02:34:20.000 What are those lampreys?

02:34:21.000 Okay, this is ridiculous because it's saying that sharks were caught that were over 3,000 pounds.

02:34:25.000 Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

02:34:26.000 Yeah, this is, this is, we're apparently looking at a...

02:34:29.000 Well, it might be...

02:34:30.000 That's the problem.

02:34:30.000 It might be rod and reel.

02:34:32.000 Well, you read things on the internet.

02:34:33.000 That's the problem.

02:34:36.000 Wow.

02:34:37.000 What are these lampreys? 0.96

02:34:39.000 They have killed a 21-foot...

02:34:42.000 Yeah, that's one of those things that clings onto sharks. 0.99

02:34:44.000 They've killed a 21-foot, 8-inch great white shark.

02:34:48.000 That's like one of the biggest ones ever killed.

02:34:51.000 Was that off Montauk, New York?

02:34:52.000 I'm not sure here.

02:34:53.000 This is actually almost as big as the one in the movie Jaws, which was...

02:35:00.000 Caught by Vic Hislop in 1985. It was the biggest great white shark ever caught.

02:35:07.000 So in 1985, they caught the biggest great white shark ever.

02:35:12.000 Huh.

02:35:14.000 Wow.

02:35:26.000 I don't like that.

02:35:33.000 They go over to Australia, Hawaii.

02:35:35.000 They found them over there, South Africa.

02:35:37.000 But there's one out in the middle of the ocean called the oceanic shark.

02:35:42.000 Check this out.

02:35:43.000 These are ones that hang out in the middle of the ocean.

02:35:46.000 And they're like bigger than great whites. 0.98

02:35:49.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:35:50.000 And they don't come to the coastal regions. 1.00

02:35:52.000 Well, what the fuck are they? 1.00

02:35:54.000 They're just a big fucking motherfucking shark. 1.00

02:35:56.000 They're called oceanic sharks? 1.00

02:35:57.000 They're the ones, like, when guys were getting shot down in World War II and their planes were, like, out in the middle of the ocean. 0.97

02:36:03.000 They're responsible for a lot of deaths because they'll clean up, like, a fucking whole shipwreck. 0.91

02:36:08.000 You know, they're the ones that, uh... 0.96

02:36:13.000 The great whites are the ones that are right here, right off of fucking L.A. Yeah, they've caught whale sharks before, but whale sharks aren't the same thing.

02:36:22.000 Look up the oceanic shark. 0.91

02:36:25.000 I forget what it's like.

02:36:27.000 An oceanic white or something it's called.

02:36:29.000 The largest great white shark was caught off Phillip Island, and it weighed an amazing 5,085 pounds.

02:36:38.000 I surfed there a month ago.

02:36:40.000 Cape Willamai.

02:36:40.000 Dude.

02:36:41.000 Oh my god.

02:36:43.000 It was 20 feet 8 inches long and it weighed 5,085 pounds. 1.00

02:36:48.000 Look at that fucking monster. 1.00

02:36:51.000 You look at the size of that goddamn thing. 1.00

02:36:53.000 How scary is that bitch? 1.00

02:36:55.000 So oceanic shark, that's what I'm looking at? 1.00

02:36:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:36:58.000 Phillip Island, I just surfed there, and they told me when we were going, they said, this is known, it's a very sharky area.

02:37:03.000 And I said, why?

02:37:04.000 They said, there's a lot of seal breeding. 1.00

02:37:06.000 And I went, oh, fuck. 1.00

02:37:08.000 The oceanic white tip shark. 1.00

02:37:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:37:12.000 Oh, creepy nature. 0.96

02:37:14.000 You're so creepy.

02:37:16.000 Why'd you create this? 0.86

02:37:18.000 Wait till you go to Alaska.

02:37:19.000 Go see a musk ox. 1.00

02:37:20.000 What is that?

02:37:21.000 Look it up.

02:37:22.000 When I saw it… I'm just getting into sharks.

02:37:24.000 I didn't know that they existed. 0.99

02:37:27.000 We're driving down the road one day in Alaska, and I look over and I see this thing and I go, what the fuck is that? 0.75

02:37:35.000 And he goes, oh, that's like a research lab because I was in Fairbanks where the university is. 0.98

02:37:40.000 And I go, no, no, what's that animal?

02:37:42.000 He goes, that's a musk ox. 0.99

02:37:43.000 And I go, no, you guys just made that up.

02:37:46.000 That doesn't exist in my world.

02:37:48.000 You made that up.

02:37:50.000 And it looks like...

02:37:51.000 We got an issue here, fella.

02:37:52.000 What?

02:37:53.000 Because this thing is saying you might have the wrong name, shark.

02:37:56.000 The oceanic white tip?

02:37:57.000 Yeah, because this is saying the largest one ever caught was only four meters.

02:38:01.000 I think they're responsible for a lot of deaths, and that's what it was that I read.

02:38:06.000 That they stay out in the middle of the ocean. 1.00

02:38:08.000 Well, what the fuck? 1.00

02:38:08.000 That's a totally different thing, you son of a bitch. 1.00

02:38:11.000 Isn't there a bigger shark? 1.00

02:38:12.000 Come on.

02:38:12.000 I don't want you to be completely wrong here.

02:38:14.000 That's just sad.

02:38:15.000 You told me about some awesome giant shark out there.

02:38:18.000 Well, no, no, because I was reading about which sharks.

02:38:21.000 Somebody goes, oh, I saw a hammerhead, and I go, they don't even kill.

02:38:25.000 Okay, let's look up largest killer sharks.

02:38:27.000 So I was looking up which types are the most aggressive, because you always hear different stories.

02:38:31.000 I heard bull sharks.

02:38:32.000 Bull sharks are nasty.

02:38:33.000 Tigers, makos. 1.00

02:38:35.000 Do you know that bull sharks, the big thing that happened in New Jersey that inspired Jaws?

02:38:39.000 They go up the rivers?

02:38:40.000 Yeah.

02:38:41.000 They go up the rivers all the time.

02:38:41.000 They go up the rivers into fresh water, man.

02:38:43.000 Yep.

02:38:44.000 They found one as high north as Illinois.

02:38:47.000 That show Monster Hunter, do you remember that?

02:38:50.000 Or Monster Quest?

02:38:51.000 Did you ever see that show?

02:38:52.000 Yeah, in that show, there's a couple things that they unraveled on that show.

02:38:57.000 It was pretty cool.

02:38:58.000 One of them was bull sharks.

02:39:01.000 Because it was like a myth that sharks had gone upriver into fresh water, like deep, deep into the country.

02:39:06.000 But apparently bull sharks can survive in fresh water.

02:39:09.000 They don't prefer it, but they can survive it.

02:39:12.000 They're nasty, too, apparently, bulls. 0.93

02:39:14.000 They're the ones that'll attack you not for food. 1.00

02:39:18.000 They're just dicks. 1.00

02:39:20.000 Yeah, they're evil, man. 1.00

02:39:22.000 They're evil. 0.78

02:39:23.000 They're really, really aggressive sharks.

02:39:25.000 What else is really...

02:39:26.000 Tiger sharks.

02:39:27.000 Those are aggressive, too.

02:39:28.000 Oh, there's a video that was on the internet.

02:39:31.000 Somebody sent me of a bunch of tigers.

02:39:34.000 It's in Broom, Australia, where a whale...

02:39:37.000 Beach, like, up.

02:39:39.000 It's, like, in a foot of water.

02:39:40.000 A foot of water. 0.98

02:39:42.000 And these makos are all just eating the fuck out of it. 1.00

02:39:47.000 And they're flopping around in, like, a foot of water. 0.99

02:39:50.000 And you're like, wow, they'll go into a foot of water.

02:39:52.000 And these girls are all, like, taking pictures and stuff. 0.96

02:39:54.000 And they're getting too close.

02:39:57.000 These sharks, but they're just feeding on this whale, just, like, eating the sides off of it. 0.99

02:40:04.000 Yeah, I've seen shit like that. 0.97

02:40:06.000 You know, the creepiest thing I've ever seen, animals feeding, is a pile of Komodo dragons. 0.98

02:40:11.000 Have you ever seen that?

02:40:12.000 No.

02:40:13.000 Dude.

02:40:13.000 Brian, Google Komodo dragons feeding frenzy because it's like Walking Dead.

02:40:21.000 Have you ever seen Walking Dead?

02:40:23.000 The movie?

02:40:23.000 The TV show?

02:40:24.000 Yeah, you know how the zombies collapse on a body and it's just all of them just in a mass trying to rip this body apart and pulling chunks out?

02:40:33.000 Komodo dragons.

02:40:35.000 This is just one image.

02:40:37.000 This is just a few of them.

02:40:39.000 This is a small group.

02:40:40.000 This is only three. 0.77

02:40:41.000 I'd rather die by shark attack.

02:40:44.000 Yeah, the Komodo dragons.

02:40:45.000 That's a bad way to go.

02:40:47.000 But Komodo Dragons, there's images online if you look in Google.

02:40:49.000 Did you ever see the images online?

02:40:51.000 I don't know if this is fake, and I know a lot of people have probably seen it.

02:40:55.000 Please don't send it to me again, because I actually deleted it.

02:40:58.000 I rarely, like, don't look at things.

02:41:01.000 But it was...

02:41:03.000 It was like a bunch of drug dealers took a guy out into the middle of the field.

02:41:10.000 These kimono dragons all stacked on top of them.

02:41:13.000 There's an even better one than that.

02:41:15.000 Because if you look a little further down on that Google image search, there's one a little further down. 0.94

02:41:21.000 It's just so ridiculous. 0.96

02:41:22.000 I would not want to die like that. 1.00

02:41:24.000 Oh, they're ruthless, man.

02:41:25.000 Well, these drug dealers took a guy out into the middle of this field.

02:41:29.000 I don't know what they did to them.

02:41:31.000 I think they...

02:41:33.000 I don't know if they behead him first, but then these vultures come and just pick away at his body, and it's a series of photos showing you the beginning to the end, and it's just a skeleton.

02:41:45.000 Have you ever seen one of those Tibetan sky funerals?

02:41:48.000 It's actually a religious thing.

02:41:50.000 No, no, no.

02:41:51.000 He's talking about a different thing.

02:41:53.000 There's two ones.

02:41:54.000 What you're talking about is the Tibetan sky funeral. 0.89

02:41:57.000 What he's talking about is them torturing and killing somebody and leaving their body to vultures.

02:42:02.000 There's two different things.

02:42:03.000 What's the Tibetan sky funeral?

02:42:05.000 People do it to people they love.

02:42:07.000 Oh, great.

02:42:07.000 They take their body when they die and they cut it up and they feed it to vultures and they actually film it.

02:42:13.000 They film it and take photographs of it and people request it.

02:42:16.000 They say, look, if I die, I want you to feed me to the vultures.

02:42:19.000 Because at least then, you know, your body goes, it's used for something.

02:42:22.000 And they go hardcore with it.

02:42:23.000 They smash up the skull after the vultures go through the body.

02:42:28.000 They smash up the skull so that the vulture eats that too.

02:42:31.000 Don't Google image search it.

02:42:33.000 It's gross.

02:42:33.000 Google image search it.

02:42:34.000 Pull it up.

02:42:35.000 We'll end with that.

02:42:36.000 Did you have Kenny Hots on your show?

02:42:37.000 Kenny vs.

02:42:38.000 Spenny?

02:42:38.000 No, no.

02:42:39.000 Comedy Central show that used to be on the air where they'd compete against each other?

02:42:42.000 Yeah, no.

02:42:43.000 I had him on my show. 1.00

02:42:45.000 He's some fucking maniac. 1.00

02:42:46.000 He, on one of his shows, he does all these crazy shows, he ate a human body. 1.00

02:42:51.000 What?

02:42:52.000 Yes.

02:42:53.000 They grinded up teeth. 1.00

02:42:54.000 He ate teeth.

02:42:55.000 What?

02:42:56.000 He ate skin. 1.00

02:42:57.000 He's a maniac. 0.90

02:42:59.000 He's a hilarious guy. 0.89

02:43:00.000 Why would he do that? 0.97

02:43:01.000 Because he's crazy. 0.72

02:43:03.000 Watch some of the YouTube videos of Benny vs Benny.

02:43:07.000 He had this one that they always compete against each other.

02:43:09.000 And one was who can eat more meat.

02:43:12.000 And he was grinding up meat and making meat shakes.

02:43:14.000 This is the Benton Sky funeral.

02:43:16.000 And there's worse, where it's just like a side view of a person's face.

02:43:19.000 This guy, they tie him down too, so the vultures can't carry him off, so they have to finish it right there.

02:43:25.000 Tie him down, the vultures go through him, then they untie him, smash up the bones.

02:43:29.000 They have a whole bunch of them come down too.

02:43:31.000 But no, you're already dead in that one.

02:43:33.000 Yeah, well, I still... 0.56

02:43:35.000 Some people want to die that way.

02:43:36.000 They want to be dealt with.

02:43:38.000 They want their corpse to be dealt with that way.

02:43:40.000 Might as well make a spectacle.

02:43:42.000 Well, the way we do it is really weird.

02:43:44.000 We poison the body so that nature can't consume it nearly as easily.

02:43:49.000 So it's like you could dig someone out of a hole that's been there for like a year. 1.00

02:43:54.000 Like taxidermy shit. 0.98

02:43:55.000 Yeah, well, when you watch that show, like those autopsy shows, where they have to exhume bodies, a lot of times they're doing it, and the person's a fucking year plus in the hole, and their body's still there, you know, because you formaldehyde the shit out of it, and... 0.99

02:44:08.000 Well, the funeral, too, the open casket funeral, I don't think there's anything creepier. 0.87

02:44:13.000 Oh, it's weird.

02:44:14.000 I don't know why anyone does it.

02:44:16.000 Have you had anyone you know? 0.99

02:44:18.000 Oh, fuck yeah, a ton. 1.00

02:44:19.000 I grew up Catholic, and they do that, and I'm like, stop! 1.00

02:44:22.000 How many have you been to?

02:44:24.000 A lot. 0.99

02:44:25.000 Yeah, that's fucking gross. 1.00

02:44:27.000 It's so gross. 1.00

02:44:28.000 But it's weird that it's the standard.

02:44:29.000 You know, I'm pretty sure they make you embalm someone even if you're going to cremate them. 0.61

02:44:33.000 Really?

02:44:33.000 I think so.

02:44:34.000 I don't think they'll go straight cremation, right?

02:44:37.000 Isn't that the case?

02:44:38.000 No, I don't think so.

02:44:39.000 Okay, I think you're wrong.

02:44:41.000 I get creeped out.

02:44:42.000 I'm pretty sure.

02:44:42.000 I'm pretty sure he changes up.

02:44:43.000 Because Joey Diaz has a friend that is actually an undertaker.

02:44:47.000 They might drain the blood, but they probably don't replace it with embalm. 0.64

02:44:51.000 Do you know how they drain the blood?

02:44:52.000 I think they have to.

02:44:52.000 I think they have to for sanitary reasons.

02:44:54.000 And they put them on the table?

02:44:56.000 To drain the blood.

02:44:57.000 I don't know why I'm talking about this. 1.00

02:44:58.000 I hate this shit. 1.00

02:44:59.000 There's a story. 1.00

02:45:01.000 I got a friend of mine a job at a funeral home.

02:45:04.000 I knew a funeral director, and I got this guy a job when we were in college.

02:45:07.000 And he's Jewish, and he had never been to Jewish funerals.

02:45:12.000 They don't do that.

02:45:14.000 He went to the funeral home.

02:45:15.000 He was working there washing cars, watching the hearse and the limos and everything.

02:45:19.000 One day, the guys that he worked with, the first day, said, hey, go in that room and get some more sponges.

02:45:24.000 He goes in the room.

02:45:25.000 It's the embalming room.

02:45:26.000 And there's a body on the table.

02:45:28.000 And they cut them at, like, the wrists and the ankles, I think, and just let the wrists and, like, legs hang.

02:45:34.000 And so all the blood drips, and the floor is like a graded floor that just catches all the blood underneath, you know, and there's drains underneath.

02:45:43.000 So he walks in the room and sees them. 0.88

02:45:47.000 Just sees his body and just fucking loses it and runs off. 0.99

02:45:50.000 Quits the job. 0.99

02:45:51.000 Doesn't even go to pick up his check for one day. 1.00

02:45:54.000 He was like, fuck that. 1.00

02:45:55.000 That's haunting. 1.00

02:45:56.000 Here's the answer to that.

02:45:57.000 There's no state law that says a body must be embalmed before cremation.

02:46:00.000 It's a bit more complicated.

02:46:01.000 Some states require that a body be buried, cremated, embalmed, or refrigerated within a certain amount of time.

02:46:07.000 So what happens, though, is that funeral homes will rip you off.

02:46:12.000 And that if you say that you want to get the body cremated, if they get a hold of it before, you know what I mean, someone's body gets brought to a funeral home, if that happens, a lot of times they try to sell you on embalming the person before cremation.

02:46:27.000 They just tell you it has to be done.

02:46:28.000 But it doesn't have to be that.

02:46:30.000 Apparently, there's a lot of money in taking care of dead bodies because people are forced to do something about it.

02:46:38.000 You can't just bury your friends.

02:46:40.000 You're not allowed to.

02:46:41.000 It's not legal.

02:46:42.000 You can't just say, hey, Bobby died in a car accident.

02:46:46.000 Do you mind if we take him and I want to put him in my backyard behind the apple tree?

02:46:49.000 You can't bury your friend in your yard.

02:46:53.000 It has to be in a funeral home or rather it has to be in a mortuary or whatever.

02:46:59.000 It's got to be a cemetery.

02:47:02.000 It's got to be taken care of in a certain way.

02:47:03.000 You can't just throw them in the hole.

02:47:05.000 You have to embalm them before you throw them in the hole, I think, for the most part.

02:47:09.000 I think Costco sells caskets.

02:47:12.000 And so does Amazon, I believe.

02:47:14.000 Wow.

02:47:15.000 I'll never understand that.

02:47:16.000 I'll never understand that either.

02:47:18.000 The amount of money that's put into them, too.

02:47:20.000 Like, you know, the deluxe bottle.

02:47:22.000 You're putting it in the dirt in an hour.

02:47:24.000 Wow.

02:47:25.000 I get it.

02:47:26.000 How much do people spend on their weddings?

02:47:28.000 Some people have these crazy million dollar weddings.

02:47:31.000 Look, there's a coffin.

02:47:33.000 It's like, look, it's the size of a boy.

02:47:35.000 Oh, God. 0.99

02:47:36.000 Okay, that is fucking depressing. 0.99

02:47:39.000 Please shut that off. 0.99

02:47:40.000 Did you watch the Brazilian prank show where the coffin is in the elevator?

02:47:45.000 No. 1.00

02:47:46.000 It's the same one where the little witch comes out of the fucking... 1.00

02:47:50.000 That's the best. 1.00

02:47:51.000 I haven't seen that either. 0.99

02:47:52.000 It's a fucking great show. 0.99

02:47:53.000 It's so amazing. 1.00

02:47:54.000 It's fucking great. 0.98

02:47:55.000 The best prank ever. 0.99

02:47:56.000 Really?

02:47:57.000 They're in the elevator.

02:47:59.000 And the lights go off in the elevator.

02:48:01.000 They got a camera in there.

02:48:02.000 And then a girl...

02:48:04.000 Don't tell me.

02:48:05.000 Don't tell me.

02:48:05.000 I'll watch it.

02:48:06.000 I'll watch it.

02:48:06.000 It's awesome.

02:48:07.000 I'll watch it online.

02:48:08.000 I'll watch it online.

02:48:08.000 But watch the one with the casket.

02:48:10.000 What's it called again?

02:48:11.000 Just look.

02:48:12.000 Brazilian prank show.

02:48:13.000 Ghost girl.

02:48:14.000 Okay.

02:48:15.000 Elevator.

02:48:15.000 Scary.

02:48:15.000 Ghost girl.

02:48:16.000 Brazilian prank show.

02:48:17.000 It's amazing.

02:48:17.000 You can watch it for hours.

02:48:18.000 No.

02:48:18.000 Yes.

02:48:19.000 Yes.

02:48:19.000 Watch it.

02:48:19.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

02:48:20.000 I don't want to watch it. 1.00

02:48:22.000 I'm past that shit. 1.00

02:48:24.000 You enjoy it. 1.00

02:48:25.000 Have a good time.

02:48:27.000 That's it, Eddie.

02:48:28.000 Anything to add to the powerful people out there in the world?

02:48:31.000 Twitter me.

02:48:32.000 Twitter me.

02:48:33.000 I can't get Twitter followers.

02:48:34.000 I can't get Twitter followers.

02:48:35.000 I think it's spelling my name or that I don't Twitter followers.

02:48:38.000 What do you mean?

02:48:38.000 What's the matter?

02:48:39.000 I've got like 16,000.

02:48:41.000 How dare you?

02:48:42.000 I know. 0.99

02:48:43.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

02:48:44.000 How dare you? 1.00

02:48:44.000 It's because you're fucking around over in Australia. 1.00

02:48:46.000 They don't use Twitter over there. 0.99

02:48:47.000 They don't.

02:48:48.000 Do they not?

02:48:49.000 Some people.

02:48:50.000 It's not as big.

02:48:51.000 It's not big in a lot of places, too.

02:48:53.000 I notice a lot of people from Texas don't use Twitter.

02:48:55.000 Oh, you're out of your mind.

02:48:56.000 Texas is flooded with Twitter. 1.00

02:48:58.000 Austin, South by Southwest, is a huge fucking Twitter destination. 0.99

02:49:01.000 Every person I know from Houston doesn't do it. 0.99

02:49:03.000 Really?

02:49:04.000 I don't know.

02:49:05.000 I think a lot of folks, like regular people, they don't want to do it.

02:49:08.000 I mean, for comedians, so it's gigantic.

02:49:10.000 Facebook, Twitter.

02:49:11.000 Alright, thanks to Hover.com.

02:49:14.000 Go to Hover.com forward slash Rogan and get 10% off domain name registrations.

02:49:19.000 Thank you to Onnit.com.

02:49:21.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:49:27.000 My t-shirt company, Hire-Primate.com, for those asking.

02:49:31.000 We ordered new versions of all the shirts they're in, but the Run JRE shirts are already out.

02:49:37.000 So I ordered a fuckload more this next time, so hopefully that won't happen again.

02:49:43.000 JoeRogan.net, the tour dates are all up there, so if you're in Alaska or Vegas or Seattle or Boston, I'm coming to see you.

02:49:54.000 Are you going to text us anytime soon?

02:49:55.000 When are you in Vegas?

02:49:56.000 Milwaukee, July 5th, Vegas.

02:50:00.000 Alright, that's it. 0.93

02:50:01.000 We love the fuck out of you people.

02:50:02.000 And we'll be back on Monday. 0.99

02:50:04.000 I gotta do my TV show and talk to more crazy people. 0.98

02:50:08.000 Jihad! 0.99

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 29, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #362 - Eddie Ifft

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Transcript