The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #383 - Jim Norton

00:00:00.000 I'm just going to tell these fucking people. 1.00

00:00:02.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:00:04.000 There's a lot of people that don't even know this podcast is happening right now.

00:00:07.000 This is a disaster.

00:00:09.000 I will right now tweet it as I'm talking.

00:00:12.000 That's how slick I am.

00:00:14.000 I'm not very slick at all.

00:00:15.000 Just bear with me.

00:00:15.000 This is going to be clunky.

00:00:16.000 They're going to be like, I thought this was a good podcast. 0.99

00:00:20.000 Here we go, bitches. 1.00

00:00:21.000 Here we go, bitches. 1.00

00:00:23.000 I'll retweet it. 0.99

00:00:24.000 Please do, Jimmy Norton.

00:00:25.000 That's called being lazy, too. 0.98

00:00:26.000 I'll let Joe do all the work and the fucking hashtagging and I'll just retweet it. 0.98

00:00:30.000 I do a lot of retweeting, too. 0.97

00:00:32.000 It's too much work when people ask you to just tweet things.

00:00:34.000 Hey, tweet this for me. 0.99

00:00:36.000 Bitch, you didn't even tweet it yourself. 1.00

00:00:37.000 Like Brian Callen, that motherfucker will tell you, hey, tweet that I'm here, tweet that I'm here. 1.00

00:00:41.000 And then you go to his Twitter page, and he didn't even tweet it himself. 0.99

00:00:44.000 It's like, I was gonna, but I had to do this wrestling class, and there was a guy, an alligator I had to see.

00:00:51.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.com.

00:00:56.000 Squarespace.com.

00:00:58.000 Is a website that allows you to build websites very easily.

00:01:02.000 It's set up so that a dummy like you or I could easily make...

00:01:09.000 Notice how I said you or I? You thought I was going to say me?

00:01:12.000 I'm tricky.

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00:01:49.000 So it's a pretty sweet account.

00:01:51.000 And if you use the code name Rogan, oh, don't even.

00:01:55.000 Use the code name Joe and the number 8. There's too many of these codes.

00:02:01.000 Squarespace.com and use the offer code Joe and then the number 8. So if you decide to purchase, you get 10% off.

00:02:08.000 And the number 8 is because it's the month of August, so it's all one word.

00:02:11.000 They're really tricky like that.

00:02:12.000 They want to know exactly what month people tuned in and got a Squarespace.com account.

00:02:17.000 But it's a badass website.

00:02:19.000 You'll enjoy it.

00:02:19.000 Go check it out.

00:02:21.000 We're also brought to you by Audible.com.

00:02:23.000 If you go to Audible.com forward slash Joe, you can get one free audio book and 30 free days of Audible service.

00:02:31.000 Audible, which also has Opie and Anthony, which is why I became deeply acquainted with my little buddy Jimmy Norton and his book, Best of Jim Norton, Volume 2. Oh, that's not a book.

00:02:40.000 No, it's probably audio.

00:02:41.000 Yeah, it's audio.

00:02:42.000 Who put that together?

00:02:44.000 I guess fans did or something, right?

00:02:45.000 I don't know.

00:02:47.000 Yeah, well, Opie and Anthony's, you know, all the shows are on Audible, so that's the coolest thing ever.

00:02:52.000 So, like, if you missed yesterday's show, you just go online and download the show.

00:02:54.000 And I think they just took all the best parts of Jimmy on Opie and Anthony.

00:02:58.000 This is volume two, so there's a few of them.

00:03:00.000 And this is an hour and ten minutes.

00:03:02.000 And you said one of your books is available, right?

00:03:05.000 Yeah, Happy Ending.

00:03:06.000 I did the voice read for an audiobook.

00:03:09.000 I didn't do it for I Hate Your Guts.

00:03:12.000 How come you didn't have the time?

00:03:14.000 No, I wish I had, but because when I did the Happy Endings one, it was such an annoying process to go through because she's like, say it like this and say it like that.

00:03:23.000 And I listened to her, but I'm like, I'm a comic.

00:03:25.000 I know how to talk.

00:03:26.000 I should have just done what I did.

00:03:27.000 Oh, no.

00:03:27.000 So she's telling you how to do it?

00:03:28.000 How to read it so it's clear.

00:03:30.000 And they do that with everybody, but I should have overrode her on a few. 0.79

00:03:34.000 I went, no.

00:03:35.000 I know how to do that.

00:03:36.000 Yeah, you can't have that kind of impact.

00:03:38.000 You're not going to put out a bad product.

00:03:39.000 I know you.

00:03:40.000 You're trying to do the best thing that you can do.

00:03:43.000 You can't do that when people are trying to change your enunciations.

00:03:47.000 Micromanage.

00:03:47.000 Yeah, that becomes a problem.

00:03:49.000 I had a book deal and I gave back the money because of that.

00:03:52.000 Did you?

00:03:52.000 Yeah, I didn't want to deal with it.

00:03:54.000 They were trying to get me to write it like a stand-up, in stand-up form.

00:03:58.000 And we kind of had such a, the gap between what they wanted and what I wanted to do was so wide that I was like, I don't think it's fair because I can't make your book. 0.97

00:04:07.000 What dummies they are. 0.84

00:04:08.000 Well, just they have an idea of what they think could sell. 0.97

00:04:11.000 They actually wanted me to try to do my stand-up in book form.

00:04:15.000 And I was like, there's no way I would do that.

00:04:17.000 And they go, but George Carlin did it, and Jerry Seinfeld did it.

00:04:19.000 I'm like, that's great, and those guys are great comics.

00:04:21.000 I said, I don't care.

00:04:23.000 I'm not going to do that.

00:04:24.000 I'm never going to do that. 0.99

00:04:25.000 I'm never going to put my fucking... 0.99

00:04:26.000 Stand-up is stand-up for a reason. 0.99

00:04:28.000 It's supposed to be that way.

00:04:29.000 And it's cheating in a way.

00:04:30.000 It's cheating.

00:04:30.000 Instead of coming up with a new book, you're just taking...

00:04:32.000 That's lazy thinking by publishers or copy editors.

00:04:36.000 Well, it was just gross.

00:04:36.000 I think they were just trying to make money.

00:04:38.000 And it led me to think that they were just trying to make the most money possible.

00:04:41.000 They weren't really worried about it being good.

00:04:43.000 Otherwise, they would never propose that.

00:04:45.000 So we just had a different idea of what to do.

00:04:48.000 So I understand where you're coming from.

00:04:50.000 But, you know, hey, they're in the business of making money.

00:04:53.000 They're not in the business of being Jim Norton.

00:04:56.000 That's the problem. 0.99

00:04:57.000 No one the fuck can tell you. 1.00

00:04:59.000 Think about all the crazy shit you've ever said and how many people could I would suggest that that would be a good thing to talk about. 1.00

00:05:07.000 Meanwhile, it's made you who you are. 1.00

00:05:09.000 They're idiots. 1.00

00:05:11.000 So, Joe, his book is usually $23.93, but if you sign up right now, you get this book for free. 1.00

00:05:17.000 Good googly moogly.

00:05:18.000 Go check it out.

00:05:19.000 Go to audible.com and audible.com forward slash Joe.

00:05:24.000 Did they change that now?

00:05:26.000 Didn't they change that? 0.98

00:05:28.000 This is all ridiculous.

00:05:30.000 It was Squarespace.

00:05:31.000 Squarespace changed it.

00:05:32.000 I think Audible is still basically the same thing.

00:05:34.000 Yeah, they all should be the same thing.

00:05:37.000 Jim, you go to a lot of massage parties.

00:05:40.000 Have you heard of rubmaps.com yet?

00:05:42.000 No.

00:05:42.000 It's going to be your new favorite website.

00:05:44.000 You're going to be addicted to it.

00:05:45.000 It's pretty much Yelp.

00:05:46.000 For massage parlors. 0.99

00:05:48.000 Go there and realize that Brian got jerked off by the gal right before you. 0.99

00:05:52.000 Oh, yeah, exactly. 0.99

00:05:53.000 But it has reviews, like if you want a handjob, if you want full sex, if you want whatever, and it tells you all the places near you. 0.99

00:06:00.000 Oh, nice, man. 0.99

00:06:00.000 Yeah, it's great. 0.99

00:06:01.000 Very nice.

00:06:01.000 The reviews are the best.

00:06:02.000 Oh, nice.

00:06:02.000 Excellent.

00:06:03.000 Wouldn't it be great if that was all legal and we could just be like gentlemen and discuss this?

00:06:07.000 Oh, that would be wonderful. 1.00

00:06:09.000 She's an Asian, but she has bad breath, but she will eat your ass for an extra 30. Slightly bruised. 1.00

00:06:13.000 Wonderful.

00:06:14.000 But meanwhile, we're like, ew, why would you do that?

00:06:17.000 Ew, what do you want?

00:06:19.000 Pleasure?

00:06:21.000 Jimmy's book's awesome.

00:06:23.000 The one that's on tape you can get at audible.com for free.

00:06:25.000 Go audible.com.

00:06:27.000 Forward slash Joe. 0.95

00:06:28.000 You get one free audiobook and 30 free days of audible service.

00:06:32.000 Did I ever get you any of the Onnit stuff? 0.99

00:06:33.000 Did I ever get you any of the Alpha Brain or any of that shit? 0.97

00:06:36.000 No, I don't think so. 0.99

00:06:38.000 I'm going to get you some.

00:06:40.000 I like what you did there, Brian.

00:06:42.000 Knot.

00:06:42.000 How dare you.

00:06:43.000 What was that?

00:06:44.000 Wayne's room.

00:06:47.000 I just thought I'd dust Knot off.

00:06:50.000 I haven't even tried that in years.

00:06:52.000 Knot!

00:06:53.000 Psych!

00:06:55.000 If you haven't been to Onnit.com, it's our last sponsor.

00:06:57.000 We sell what we call a human performance website.

00:07:03.000 Everything we sell on Onnit is, in some way, Going to benefit you physically or mentally or your cardio or your mental health.

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00:07:46.000 And we try to sell it at a reasonable rate, and we sell it through the internet, so the whole thing is done easily and smoothly. 0.99

00:07:53.000 We don't have to deal with any third party.

00:07:55.000 And if you're interested in any of these supplements, which are the most controversial things that we sell, you know, people are like, what?

00:08:01.000 It helps your endurance, what?

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00:08:04.000 There's a lot of people who don't want to believe things.

00:08:05.000 So we have a science thing set up at Onnit.com, explains the science behind all this.

00:08:10.000 And then on top of that, there's also a 30-pill, 90-day money-back guarantee.

00:08:15.000 So you don't even have to return the product. 0.95

00:08:17.000 You say, hey, this stuff didn't do shit for me.

00:08:20.000 And you get your money back. 0.76

00:08:21.000 No one's trying to rip you off. 1.00

00:08:22.000 All we're trying to do is just sell you shit that I use. 1.00

00:08:25.000 Shit that Aubrey uses. 1.00

00:08:26.000 Shit that my friends use. 1.00

00:08:28.000 Alpha brain is what's called a nootropic. 1.00

00:08:31.000 What nootropics are is nutrients that have been shown in certain studies to enhance certain aspects of cognitive function.

00:08:39.000 Whether it's being able to Problem Solve, or Memory, or there's other supplements like New Mood, which is a 5-HTP supplement, which is great for your serotonin development.

00:08:52.000 It also has L-tryptophan, which converts to 5-HTP. I'm talking too much.

00:08:57.000 Any of these questions you need answered on any of this stuff, you can go to onnit.com.

00:09:01.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. If you use the code name ROGAN, you'll save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:09:06.000 My pal Jimmy Norton is here.

00:09:09.000 Cue the music, Brian.

00:09:11.000 Let's get frisky. 1.00

00:09:13.000 That's the frisky off, too.

00:09:15.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:09:17.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

00:09:24.000 Powerful Jimmy Norton.

00:09:27.000 Thank you.

00:09:29.000 That's the most magical intro we've ever given you.

00:09:31.000 It's delightful.

00:09:32.000 I just feel like there's some energy in the air when I said that.

00:09:35.000 What's going on, my brother?

00:09:36.000 Good to see you.

00:09:37.000 I'm okay.

00:09:38.000 I'm drinking this coffee, and it's very good with the butter in it, but I know that I'm going to be...

00:09:43.000 Because any of that stuff, like lactose, just fucks me up, so I know I'm going to be...

00:09:47.000 Oh, really?

00:09:48.000 I'll be interested to see if it has the same effect on you, because it's grass-fed butter.

00:09:52.000 I wonder if that has the same effect.

00:09:54.000 You know what I find?

00:09:55.000 I find that I can be lactose intolerant.

00:09:57.000 But when I drink raw milk, I don't have any problem.

00:09:59.000 What's the grass-fed butter effect?

00:10:01.000 Well, the idea is, and obviously I'm no doctor, so don't listen to me, but the idea is that butter from grass-fed cows is butter from healthier cows.

00:10:10.000 And cows are not designed to eat corn. 0.96

00:10:13.000 And when they eat corn, it's one of the reasons why they get so fucking fat. 0.95

00:10:16.000 It's just not a part of their normal diet. 0.98

00:10:18.000 Their normal diet is just grass.

00:10:20.000 And when you have grass-fed beef, it's a much leaner beef.

00:10:23.000 It tastes different.

00:10:24.000 And the idea is that the butter is different too.

00:10:27.000 And the butter is actually healthy for you.

00:10:28.000 Okay.

00:10:29.000 As opposed to the butter that you're getting that's, you know, from corn-fed cows.

00:10:34.000 The other thing is the homogenization and pasteurization of milk changes so much about how your body absorbs it.

00:10:41.000 Like the enzymes in it and everything.

00:10:43.000 Have you ever had like raw milk?

00:10:45.000 I don't know.

00:10:46.000 I don't love milk. 0.97

00:10:47.000 I drink it out of necessity and other shit, but I can never be the professional just walking around slugging milk. 0.99

00:10:52.000 I always thought how bad his breath must be. 1.00

00:10:54.000 All he did was drink fucking milk. 1.00

00:10:56.000 Well, that was supposed to be the sign that you're a serious man. 1.00

00:10:59.000 Did you ever see the movie The Hustler?

00:11:01.000 Do you mean with Paul Newman?

00:11:02.000 Yes.

00:11:02.000 Yeah, sure.

00:11:03.000 Do you remember Jackie Gleason's backer was George C. Scott?

00:11:07.000 And George C. Scott played Bert and Bert Gordon.

00:11:10.000 And he drank a glass of milk everywhere.

00:11:12.000 Oh, I didn't remember that. 0.99

00:11:13.000 Everybody's getting fucked up left and right. 1.00

00:11:16.000 They're all drinking whiskey and they're all fucking... 1.00

00:11:18.000 And Bert's just over there drinking a glass of milk. 1.00

00:11:21.000 He's serious.

00:11:21.000 A serious gambler.

00:11:23.000 Oh, wow.

00:11:23.000 No, I never saw that.

00:11:24.000 I remember the movie.

00:11:25.000 I don't remember that part of it.

00:11:26.000 I guess it was like, I want to say 63. Yeah.

00:11:29.000 I want to say it was 1963. It's a great fucking movie. 1.00

00:11:33.000 The guy Fats changed his name because of that. 0.99

00:11:35.000 Minnesota Fats was Gleason.

00:11:36.000 What was the original Fats?

00:11:37.000 New York Fats.

00:11:38.000 New York Fats he was.

00:11:39.000 Roof Wanderone.

00:11:41.000 Rudolph Wanderone.

00:11:42.000 I think that's his real name.

00:11:44.000 Yeah, I think it's Rudolph Wanderone.

00:11:46.000 He was not even the best pool player of his era.

00:11:50.000 Not even close.

00:11:52.000 Moscone was.

00:11:53.000 And they used to have these matches.

00:11:54.000 And Moscone hated the fact that people only knew him because he played Minnesota Fats.

00:12:00.000 Because Minnesota Fats stole the name off the movie.

00:12:02.000 It was a brilliant move.

00:12:04.000 He said, that was based on me.

00:12:06.000 He was a really eccentric character in Minnesota Fats.

00:12:09.000 It wasn't that he was a bad pool player.

00:12:10.000 He was a really good pool player. 0.85

00:12:11.000 But he was a hustler.

00:12:12.000 Right.

00:12:13.000 And he had like a hundred cats.

00:12:16.000 He was one of those guys.

00:12:17.000 He used to go to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and he'd pick up like two buckets of chicken and he would just toss them in his yard and like a hundred cats would come in and tear the chicken apart.

00:12:26.000 Like that's what he did every day.

00:12:28.000 That was his thing.

00:12:28.000 Oh, wow.

00:12:29.000 Yeah, he had like a gang of stray animals that he fed.

00:12:32.000 So he was an interesting guy.

00:12:34.000 But the character wasn't based on him.

00:12:37.000 The character, most likely, was just based on a bunch of different pool players with some fiction added to it.

00:12:45.000 My priest, years ago, when I was in North Brunswick, his name was Father Mizorak.

00:12:49.000 He's dead now, but his brother was a very famous...

00:12:51.000 Steve Mizorak?

00:12:52.000 Yeah, that was his brother.

00:12:52.000 Even when you're just showing off, or his cousin.

00:12:54.000 There was a relation, though.

00:12:55.000 I just don't remember what it was.

00:12:57.000 Yeah, he was the guy that did those commercials.

00:12:59.000 Yeah, on Miller Lite, I think, right?

00:13:00.000 Yeah, every now and then a guy sneaks through and becomes famous through a sport where no one else is famous.

00:13:06.000 In pool, everybody says Jeanette Lee. 0.97

00:13:09.000 Do you know who he is?

00:13:10.000 If you tell someone that you play pool, people go, do you know who Jeanette Lee is?

00:13:13.000 She's this really beautiful woman who was also a pool champion. 1.00

00:13:17.000 She doesn't play, I don't think, as much anymore.

00:13:21.000 She was on ESPN a lot.

00:13:23.000 She might be back into it.

00:13:25.000 I don't know.

00:13:25.000 But she's beautiful.

00:13:26.000 And she plays really good pool.

00:13:27.000 And she wears all black.

00:13:29.000 And her nickname is the Black Widow. 1.00

00:13:30.000 And she's Korean.

00:13:31.000 So she's got this dark black hair. 1.00

00:13:33.000 And she's pretty.

00:13:34.000 So people go nuts for her. 0.68

00:13:35.000 So she's like the Lance Armstrong.

00:13:37.000 And I don't mean this by performance enhancing.

00:13:39.000 I mean by...

00:13:40.000 Or testicle cancer.

00:13:42.000 Either one.

00:13:43.000 Lance Armstrong is the only bike guy I've ever heard of.

00:13:46.000 I guess Greg LeMond, he was one that I'd heard of way back in the past, but as far as being able to name professional cycles, I can't.

00:13:54.000 After Lance Armstrong, no one cares about any of them.

00:13:56.000 Yeah, so if you talk about, like, professional pool players, almost everybody goes, oh, what about the Black Widow?

00:14:01.000 Like, that woman. 1.00

00:14:02.000 I've probably seen her, but I don't know her.

00:14:03.000 I bet you have.

00:14:04.000 She's in commercials, too, I'm sure.

00:14:06.000 She does a lot.

00:14:07.000 But she's been the most successful at, like, utilizing her image. 0.96

00:14:11.000 Right.

00:14:12.000 And becoming famous in a sport where almost no one's famous.

00:14:15.000 For pool players, it's a tough time.

00:14:18.000 It's very hard to make a living.

00:14:20.000 It's very hard to become famous.

00:14:22.000 And it's hard to express a personality there or something that differentiates you and makes you likable that is bigger than the sport.

00:14:29.000 Maybe she has that. 0.85

00:14:30.000 Maybe there's something about her.

00:14:31.000 She's just hot, dude. 1.00

00:14:32.000 Look at her.

00:14:33.000 She's hot and she plays pool. 1.00

00:14:34.000 That's what it is.

00:14:35.000 And she's very savvy as far as marketing.

00:14:38.000 Rather wide-backed girl.

00:14:40.000 She's a big girl.

00:14:41.000 You played with her on that celebrity pool thing, didn't you?

00:14:43.000 I didn't actually get to play with her.

00:14:45.000 I played in a tournament and she was the commentator, which was kind of crazy that she's commentating on me playing pool.

00:14:51.000 She's like a world-class professional.

00:14:54.000 But luckily I was playing against people who didn't have any idea what they were doing.

00:14:57.000 I like pool and hate it.

00:14:59.000 I don't find it relaxing at all.

00:15:00.000 It assets me because I stink at it and I suck at long green shots.

00:15:05.000 I'm fairly hideous at pool and I never found it enjoyable because I just can't get the hang of it.

00:15:09.000 Pool's one of those things that gets enjoyable when you get really good.

00:15:12.000 As you get really good, then it becomes really satisfying.

00:15:15.000 If you can get into a groove and run out racks and get in good position, it's so satisfying. 0.99

00:15:20.000 That cocky walk around the table that I've never taken, I just fucking shamefully go from point A to point B and hope I don't scratch like a cunt. 1.00

00:15:29.000 The worst is playing in a bar. 1.00

00:15:32.000 A whole bunch of people like crowded around a table and drinking and bumping into shit. 1.00

00:15:38.000 What a ridiculous idea. 1.00

00:15:40.000 A precision game in a bar with a bunch of drunks stumbling into tables. 0.99

00:15:45.000 And then darts. 0.99

00:15:45.000 There's another fucking genius idea. 0.99

00:15:47.000 Let's take a bunch of people that are hammered and give them pointed metal things to throw at each other. 1.00

00:15:53.000 Yeah, hope they don't cross the line.

00:15:54.000 There's nothing worse than a dart league. 0.99

00:15:58.000 They'll fight over a guy's fucking foot crossing the line. 0.99

00:16:01.000 They'll actually go to blows. 0.99

00:16:03.000 I don't find it enjoyable.

00:16:04.000 I've played darts. 0.99

00:16:04.000 Even if I got them all on the red button, I'd be like, who gives a fuck? 0.99

00:16:07.000 This is terrible. 0.99

00:16:08.000 I don't enjoy darts.

00:16:09.000 Do you think if you tried to pick a fight with a dart guy, did they draw on each other?

00:16:13.000 Did they pull their darts out?

00:16:15.000 And take three paces or whatever and throw them at each other?

00:16:18.000 I was in a fight.

00:16:19.000 Not in a fight.

00:16:20.000 I was at a bar that there was a fight and somebody took darts and stabbed the guy in the back of the neck with it.

00:16:24.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.90

00:16:25.000 It was disgusting.

00:16:26.000 They probably never fight each other for that reason. 0.58

00:16:27.000 They're all holding darts. 1.00

00:16:29.000 It's like fucking robbing a store in Texas. 1.00

00:16:32.000 Everybody's got a gun. 1.00

00:16:32.000 You don't do it. 1.00

00:16:34.000 Yeah.

00:16:34.000 That's an interesting way of looking at it.

00:16:37.000 You never hear about two dart players going at it and throwing darts at each other.

00:16:41.000 They're really experts at tossing weapons. 1.00

00:16:43.000 A dart's a fucking weapon. 1.00

00:16:45.000 If it was poison, you're fucked, man. 1.00

00:16:47.000 How are you going to stop a dart from a dart expert? 1.00

00:16:51.000 The only thing is they take their time, those fucks. 0.99

00:16:53.000 Don't you hate when they line? 1.00

00:16:54.000 I hate when they've got their foot there and they've got the eye thing and the arm's going back and forth. 1.00

00:16:57.000 You're like, oh, just fucking kill yourself. 1.00

00:17:00.000 It fucking stinks. 1.00

00:17:01.000 What a stupid fucking... 1.00

00:17:03.000 If you really stop and think about it, I mean, it's fun to play, don't get me wrong, but what a stupid skill to throw something and make it stick into a wall in a certain spot. 1.00

00:17:12.000 It's something that counted years ago. 0.89

00:17:13.000 We hunted for food or, like, you know, on Game of Thrones, that's a great skill to have, to be able to shoot something accurately at a target, but now it just doesn't mean anything anymore.

00:17:23.000 Unless you're hunting.

00:17:24.000 Unless you're going like squirrel hunting with a bow and arrow.

00:17:27.000 You have to have a really good aim.

00:17:29.000 Yeah, if you're doing something like that.

00:17:30.000 Could you hunt with a dart? 1.00

00:17:31.000 Could you go bird hunting with a dart and get close enough to these motherfuckers? 1.00

00:17:35.000 No way. 1.00

00:17:35.000 Blow dart. 1.00

00:17:37.000 Blow dart would work.

00:17:38.000 I watched a special where these dudes were jacking monkeys with blow darts. 1.00

00:17:42.000 It's really crazy to watch, man.

00:17:44.000 Watching people kill monkeys is very strange.

00:17:48.000 I mean, it feels so close to murder.

00:17:51.000 Yeah.

00:17:51.000 It's weird.

00:17:52.000 You know, you're like, man, a monkey?

00:17:54.000 You're killing monkeys?

00:17:56.000 Like, those things are really close to people.

00:17:58.000 They're close, man.

00:18:00.000 Shooting darts on this thing.

00:18:01.000 And these monkeys.

00:18:03.000 There was, I think, Kirari?

00:18:06.000 I think that was the name of the poison.

00:18:07.000 There was some sort of poison. 1.00

00:18:08.000 Is it from a toad's back or some shit? 1.00

00:18:10.000 Usually frogs are motherfuckers, man. 1.00

00:18:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:12.000 Frog's back will kill you. 0.98

00:18:13.000 Yeah, well, the dudes in the Amazon, they find out everything that kills you, and they take note. 1.00

00:18:17.000 Okay, if you ever want to put something on a spear tip, that fucking thing will kill you. 1.00

00:18:21.000 Because they ate it once. 1.00

00:18:22.000 Somebody they know ate it once and dropped dead, and they're like, make a note. 0.99

00:18:26.000 Shoot that at somebody. 0.99

00:18:27.000 I mean, that's the only way they knew. 0.99

00:18:28.000 Yeah.

00:18:29.000 When you're dealing with, like, the Amazon, you ever see the documentary about the guy who swam through the Amazon?

00:18:34.000 He swam, like, the length of the Amazon River?

00:18:37.000 No.

00:18:38.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:18:39.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:18:40.000 It's a really fascinating... 0.99

00:18:42.000 Let me find...

00:18:43.000 A guy swims...

00:18:45.000 Amazon.

00:18:47.000 How many miles is the Amazon?

00:18:49.000 Documentary. 0.99

00:18:49.000 Oh, it's a long fucking time. 0.99

00:18:51.000 He got fucked up, too. 1.00

00:18:54.000 Big River Man. 1.00

00:18:55.000 Yeah, it's called Big River Man. 1.00

00:18:57.000 The guy is fucking crazy. 1.00

00:19:00.000 I mean, he's crazy. 1.00

00:19:02.000 He drinks beer every night.

00:19:03.000 And he gets in this water and swims for days.

00:19:06.000 And he doesn't even look like he's in the greatest shape in the world.

00:19:09.000 But the guy just can go and go and go. 1.00

00:19:11.000 But he's ingesting all this fucking water in this parasite-ridden place. 1.00

00:19:16.000 And he gets all fucked up from it. 1.00

00:19:19.000 I mean, he's really, really, really sick. 1.00

00:19:21.000 And he keeps going.

00:19:22.000 He keeps going. 0.99

00:19:23.000 He keeps fucking swimming this thing. 0.99

00:19:24.000 I mean, what he did was pretty fucking incredible. 0.99

00:19:27.000 Because he was just like a regular guy who drank beer who decided to make this happen. 0.94

00:19:32.000 Like, I don't think, you know, I mean, he's, he would, you know, look at him, like, you see the way he's built?

00:19:38.000 Yeah.

00:19:39.000 He's built like a, I mean, he's a sturdy looking fella.

00:19:41.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:19:41.000 But he's, he's not built like a guy who's gonna swim the fucking length of the Amazon. 0.97

00:19:45.000 I saw it a couple of years ago, so I can't remember all the details about it, but I remember thinking, like, what a crazy character this guy is. 0.88

00:19:51.000 He's built like a fighter in the 20s.

00:19:53.000 Remember they had, like, they had the barrel chest, but you knew that they were fucking problems, but they weren't ripped and cut like guys are today. 0.93

00:19:59.000 Well, there's a lot of guys today that are like that. 0.97

00:20:01.000 You know, look at a guy like Mike Russo.

00:20:02.000 He's a world-class heavyweight in the UFC. He knocked out Todd Duffy.

00:20:06.000 He's a big fucking guy. 1.00

00:20:07.000 He's a Chicago cop, but he's built like that. 1.00

00:20:10.000 You know, he's built like a regular guy.

00:20:12.000 Some people just have a higher level of fat.

00:20:16.000 It's just genetically, there's nothing you can do about that.

00:20:18.000 Dude, who wants to be punched in the face by a Chicago cop UFC fighter?

00:20:23.000 How unpleasant.

00:20:24.000 He's a nice guy too.

00:20:45.000 Or almost unhealthy.

00:20:46.000 Sometimes, yeah.

00:20:47.000 And I think that they're not getting the humiliation that fighters get by losing, by training in the gym, by getting broken in the gym, by getting submitted, by getting tagged.

00:20:58.000 There's like a certain level of reality that fighters live in where they don't have to... 0.96

00:21:04.000 Engage on this chest puffing right that you see a lot of people doing almost to compensate because It's almost like they don't they can't even believe that they're this fucking superstar So part of their brain is like sabotaging of course and causing them to act like cunts and not tip anywhere and Slam doors on people and the kind of shit you hear from like really arrogant pro athletes But with MMA fighters for the most part these are dudes that if you if you're serious about that sport you have to have like a Spartan discipline I mean, 0.93

00:21:33.000 you have to be the type of person that's watching your diet, making sure you're organizing your training, and you just get humiliated.

00:21:40.000 You get humiliated and humbled is a better word.

00:21:42.000 You get humbled by the whole process of trying to become great.

00:21:46.000 So they're just different athletes. 0.92

00:21:49.000 You see some pro basketball players that are super arrogant or crazy.

00:21:54.000 You don't see nearly...

00:21:56.000 You're always going to see a certain amount in the population of people, but you don't see nearly as much in MMA or in the UFC as you would think.

00:22:04.000 I haven't met that many NBA people that I liked, to be honest.

00:22:09.000 The one I thought was really nice, Clyde Frazier we had on.

00:22:12.000 He was great.

00:22:13.000 Dr. J was really nice, but I think he's lost a lot of the money.

00:22:19.000 I met LeBron James once, briefly.

00:22:22.000 And he wasn't awful, but I only got a photo with him.

00:22:25.000 This is fairly humiliating.

00:22:27.000 I wanted a picture with him.

00:22:28.000 He's a comedy seller.

00:22:29.000 So I texted Kevin Hart, because they're good friends.

00:22:32.000 I'm like, I want to get a picture with LeBron.

00:22:33.000 So he texted LeBron.

00:22:34.000 He's like, my friend's going to be asking you for a picture.

00:22:36.000 So that's the only reason he stopped, was because I texted Kevin Hart.

00:22:39.000 Oh, well, that's a good deal, though.

00:22:40.000 That's a good connection.

00:22:41.000 Yeah, it is. 0.99

00:22:42.000 I'll text my friend who does movies and ask if you can get me a picture of a fucking NBA player. 0.98

00:22:45.000 What a bad favor to call in. 0.98

00:22:47.000 Well, people don't know.

00:22:48.000 You like getting pictures with celebrities.

00:22:50.000 You have more pictures with celebrities than any other celebrity.

00:22:52.000 I do have a lot of them, yeah.

00:22:53.000 And I'm glad I do it.

00:22:55.000 It's fun to do.

00:22:56.000 Although the ones I wished I had, I got autographs.

00:22:59.000 But I met Kinison once and didn't get a photo.

00:23:01.000 And prior I met once and didn't get a photo.

00:23:03.000 But I didn't do photos back then.

00:23:05.000 Yeah, there's a few people that I wish I had taken a photo with Hicks.

00:23:09.000 I think that would have been cool.

00:23:10.000 I got to meet him.

00:23:12.000 It was more like a hi.

00:23:13.000 I never got to talk to him, but I got to see him perform a couple of times when I was an open-miker.

00:23:19.000 If cameras were around back then, back then it was really rare you had a camera on you.

00:23:25.000 But if cameras around back then, what a great picture that would be.

00:23:28.000 Yeah, I never met Bill Hicks.

00:23:29.000 Never met him.

00:23:30.000 And I've never listened to his stuff.

00:23:31.000 Like, I've heard clips we played on ONA, but I've never listened to a Hicks CD. And everyone tells me how great he was, but it's like, at this point in my life, I just don't want to hear another comic and be influenced by him.

00:23:40.000 I'm like, I hear he's great and good for him, and I don't want to know it.

00:23:43.000 That's interesting.

00:23:44.000 You and I have had this conversation before.

00:23:46.000 We have a sort of different opinion on that.

00:23:49.000 I hear you.

00:23:50.000 It can happen.

00:23:52.000 But I like getting inspired.

00:23:54.000 And I think, for me, the best way to get inspired is by just listening to comedy.

00:23:59.000 I get inspired.

00:24:00.000 It makes me want to write.

00:24:02.000 I don't feel like there's any sense in avoiding a certain amount of influence that we're going to give each other.

00:24:10.000 But I also think if your mind is straight and you have good ethics as far as your writing, I don't think you really have to worry about that.

00:24:18.000 You know what you're doing.

00:24:19.000 You're trying to pursue your ideas.

00:24:21.000 You're not trying to pursue somebody else's.

00:24:23.000 I think it's a good thing to worry about when you're first starting out, but I don't think you're a stop.

00:24:29.000 There's no way.

00:24:30.000 You're very ethical.

00:24:32.000 I respect your take on this opinion.

00:24:35.000 Like the reason why you're doing it, you're doing it for the exact right reasons.

00:24:38.000 I just always feel like I got into comedy because I love the art form itself, and I'm a fan of it, and I don't want to not be a fan of it.

00:24:46.000 Just because I'm doing it doesn't mean I want to still enjoy it as if I had nothing to do with it, if I was never involved.

00:24:53.000 If I became a comic book artist or whatever else I wanted to be or could have been, if I wasn't a comic, I would like to think that I would like comedy just as much.

00:25:01.000 Yeah, you know, it's funny.

00:25:02.000 I went and saw Colin's one-man show about the Constitution.

00:25:05.000 How was that?

00:25:06.000 I heard great things.

00:25:07.000 It's amazing.

00:25:08.000 Colin Quinn.

00:25:09.000 And where is it?

00:25:09.000 It's in New York, but I think he's moving theaters.

00:25:12.000 Is it like the Cherry Lane Theater, but he might be moving?

00:25:15.000 And it's a whole...

00:25:16.000 I think it's better than his last one, which I thought was brilliant.

00:25:19.000 But this one is totally...

00:25:21.000 It's like stand-up, but it's all about the Constitution. 0.99

00:25:23.000 And it's fucking... 0.99

00:25:25.000 That's inspiring. 0.99

00:25:27.000 To see, like...

00:25:28.000 Because he never takes the easy road.

00:25:29.000 I admire Colin because he never goes... 0.96

00:25:33.000 For the easy dick joke or the cheap angle. 0.99

00:25:35.000 Like, he fucking toughs it out. 0.99

00:25:37.000 And if he's bombing on stage at the cellar, he takes it like a man. 0.99

00:25:40.000 And he works it out.

00:25:41.000 And he makes it funny.

00:25:42.000 Like, he's really, really just above everybody, I think.

00:25:46.000 And I put him at the top above all comics.

00:25:49.000 Wow.

00:25:49.000 To do an hour on the Constitution.

00:25:51.000 I could do maybe three minutes. 1.00

00:25:53.000 And I would immediately go, I wonder how big Jefferson's dick was. 1.00

00:25:55.000 Like, I would fucking... 1.00

00:25:57.000 Would lapse right into the fucking slave fucking jokes. 1.00

00:25:59.000 Yeah, but okay, I've got to stop you right there, because I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 0.99

00:26:03.000 I think what you do, and I love Colin, I think Colin is hilarious, but honestly, I'd rather see you.

00:26:10.000 Thank you. 0.99

00:26:10.000 The reason being is because you're a fucked up dude, and you're going to say some fucked up shit, and it's going to be fun. 0.99

00:26:16.000 You're going to say some nutty shit. 1.00

00:26:18.000 Colin talking about the Constitution would be fascinating, and I think I'd enjoy that on a completely different level. 0.99

00:26:24.000 But for sheer laughs, if I wanted to just goof on shit, I would like to see an act like yours. 0.93

00:26:30.000 Thank you. 0.98

00:26:30.000 Because you're having fun, you know? 0.98

00:26:33.000 And I think having a show on the Constitution is very, very difficult.

00:26:39.000 But it's also very difficult to do a show the way you're doing it.

00:26:43.000 It's really hard to do what you do.

00:26:45.000 That's why there's so very few people who are As honest as you are when you're on stage, as open about your perversions, and as lovable in those.

00:26:53.000 That's very difficult to do.

00:26:55.000 You shouldn't sell that short.

00:26:56.000 What you do is just as much of an art form as what Colin does.

00:27:00.000 And I'd love to see both of them.

00:27:02.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:27:03.000 But you can't say... 0.96

00:27:04.000 I enjoy that style of comedy, and it's fucking hard to do.

00:27:09.000 That's why there's only... 0.94

00:27:11.000 Out of all the really good dirty comics in this country, how many of them are there really?

00:27:16.000 Is there even a dozen?

00:27:17.000 Is there even a dozen that you would go out of your way to see? 0.96

00:27:20.000 Out of 300 million people, is there even a dozen really perverted, dirty guys that you would go see? 0.94

00:27:27.000 No. 0.87

00:27:28.000 No, there's not.

00:27:29.000 No. 1.00

00:27:30.000 It's a fucking... 0.99

00:27:30.000 It's a very difficult thing to cultivate, to get to that point. 0.99

00:27:36.000 You know, it's weird.

00:27:37.000 It's like, I don't mind doing dirty stuff.

00:27:38.000 Like, if I'm being truthful, I just don't like doing it when I know... 0.99

00:27:42.000 Like, Pryor said that he said motherfucker or nigger too much at times as a crutch. 0.99

00:27:46.000 And he knew when he was doing it. 0.99

00:27:47.000 Like, I don't want to do it as a crutch. 0.99

00:27:49.000 I don't want to, like, use it as Pryor's motherfucker. 0.99

00:27:52.000 Right. 0.98

00:27:52.000 If I'm doing it because I want to do it... 0.98

00:28:05.000 I'm cool with it.

00:28:10.000 That is the big leap that you make as a comic when you get past just doing stuff that works to doing stuff that you believe in and it works because you believe in it.

00:28:20.000 It's not like a trick.

00:28:22.000 I remember doing material that was dirty when I was first starting out.

00:28:29.000 One of the things that I would remember is how old...

00:28:31.000 Awkward it was when I was forcing it.

00:28:35.000 When I was like bombing and I was trying to make like it was funny and it wasn't funny.

00:28:39.000 It was just bleh.

00:28:40.000 When you're dirty especially, it's like extra awkward. 1.00

00:28:43.000 Oh, it's like a giant echo in the room because you finish with cunt. 1.00

00:28:47.000 Cunt, cunt, cunt. 1.00

00:28:48.000 And you're like so disappointed in yourself. 1.00

00:28:51.000 And back then I was like always disappointed in myself that I could never go clean.

00:28:55.000 I was like, I could probably have a career, I thought.

00:28:58.000 I could do well as a clean comic, but for whatever reason, I just wouldn't do it.

00:29:03.000 I just didn't.

00:29:04.000 I was like, God, why can't you just be clean?

00:29:06.000 So when I would bomb, if I would bomb dirty, I'd be like, oh, God.

00:29:10.000 Yeah, it's extra humiliating, yeah.

00:29:13.000 I wish it was clean.

00:29:14.000 But you know what?

00:29:15.000 I don't find any extra valor in cleanliness.

00:29:18.000 I mean, it's a good thing to do if you're really funny clean, but I think that they're both equally acceptable if they're original and funny. 0.99

00:29:25.000 I see clean guys that stink, and I'm like, I don't give a shit. 0.99

00:29:28.000 I hate cute euphemisms. 0.98

00:29:30.000 And, you know, then she was giving me a kiss on my...

00:29:35.000 Just saying it all, man.

00:29:38.000 On the TV, you can't say Cocker.

00:29:40.000 I get that.

00:29:42.000 But when you're trying to cute it up in a nightclub, it physically makes me ill.

00:29:46.000 I'm embarrassed for comics to do that.

00:29:48.000 Well, there'd be an embarrassing person to talk to. 0.80

00:29:51.000 Could you imagine having a conversation with a person like that?

00:29:53.000 You're sitting down and having a conversation with a person that is just... 0.99

00:29:58.000 Just goofy and dorky. 0.96

00:30:01.000 You don't want to talk to a person who doesn't swear. 0.99

00:30:03.000 No.

00:30:04.000 Can't tell you one-on-one, tell me what happened. 1.00

00:30:07.000 And then she's sucking my cock, and I can't believe it's happening. 1.00

00:30:10.000 Tell that. 1.00

00:30:11.000 Say that.

00:30:11.000 Say that if that happened.

00:30:12.000 So I know you.

00:30:13.000 So I get to know you.

00:30:14.000 Because if you exclude anything weird or twisted about yourself, I'm never going to really know you.

00:30:21.000 Yeah.

00:30:21.000 You know?

00:30:22.000 That's hard.

00:30:23.000 It's hard for people to do.

00:30:24.000 People don't like to include that.

00:30:26.000 And I understand that I'm in a job and we're in a job where it's a little easier for us because almost most things are acceptable in our business. 0.98

00:30:33.000 Like, as a comedian, it's hard as an accountant to walk in and go, I fucking went out with this girl and she's blowing me and I realized she had a dick but I was high and I let her. 0.98

00:30:41.000 Like, you can't walk into an accounting office and tell everybody that. 0.99

00:30:44.000 But if you say that as a comic, everybody's like, alright, so what?

00:30:47.000 How was the gig?

00:30:48.000 We don't care.

00:30:49.000 We're hard to shock.

00:30:50.000 Yeah, you could come to a room full of comics, a writer's room, and tell that story, and instantly everybody would be laughing.

00:30:57.000 Yeah, they don't care.

00:30:58.000 We're harder to surprise, and we accept a lot more, and we can speak our mind a lot more.

00:31:02.000 But there's a line that goes beyond that, where people are just being unnecessarily adorable and not revealing, and I hate them for it.

00:31:11.000 I really do.

00:31:12.000 Yeah, no, I know what you're saying.

00:31:13.000 They're putting on an act. 1.00

00:31:16.000 Either that or they're a crazy person. 0.98

00:31:17.000 I think they're putting on an act. 0.97

00:31:18.000 And not to say that everybody has to speak in racially insensitive language or be this way, but to judge it like they don't get it. 0.98

00:31:25.000 Like Wiener, I don't care what the guy does, but for men to act like, I can't comprehend taking a picture of my cock. 0.99

00:31:33.000 Of course you can. 0.98

00:31:34.000 We all understand why he does what he does.

00:31:38.000 Now, a lot of guys won't do it.

00:31:39.000 A lot of guys don't cheat. 1.00

00:31:40.000 But to act appalled that he wants to get his dick sucked. 1.00

00:31:44.000 People are enjoying claiming the moral high ground. 1.00

00:31:47.000 I think that's going to happen in the future less and less.

00:31:56.000 When technology becomes more intertwined in our lives, there's going to be less and less privacy.

00:32:00.000 There's going to be less and less of grandstanding.

00:32:03.000 Or there's going to be people that do it and get caught, like Wiener or like Eliot Spitzer.

00:32:07.000 It's a perfect example.

00:32:08.000 He was a guy who was the mayor of New York, or the governor of New York, and was arresting prostitution rings, but was also using them.

00:32:16.000 It's one of the craziest ideas ever.

00:32:19.000 And so when you get caught, nobody's going to feel bad.

00:32:23.000 What are you doing, man? 0.98

00:32:24.000 You didn't just use a prostitute. 0.98

00:32:27.000 You were arresting them. 0.98

00:32:29.000 You were shutting down prostitution rings, and then you were using prostitutes.

00:32:33.000 You can't do that. 0.73

00:32:34.000 Yeah, it's the equivalent of your agent double-dipping. 0.83

00:32:38.000 It's immoral on every level, and it's sickening. 0.95

00:32:40.000 It's crazy.

00:32:41.000 It's crazy to arrest him in the first place for getting paid to do something that's perfectly legal to do free. 0.99

00:32:47.000 If they just fucked, if they just had a website that said, hey, let's meet up and fuck, no one would have a problem with that. 1.00

00:32:53.000 But yet, because some money's being exchanged... 1.00

00:32:56.000 What is it really?

00:32:57.000 Is it a tax issue?

00:32:58.000 Just then say that's what it is and let's figure out how to tax it.

00:33:01.000 That's morals.

00:33:02.000 I think it's their idea of morals. 0.86

00:33:03.000 Well, the morals are ridiculous as soon as it's free.

00:33:05.000 As soon as it's free and you can do it and there's no problem whatsoever, but if you charge money for it, then all of a sudden it's a crime. 0.97

00:33:13.000 That's ridiculous. 0.98

00:33:14.000 Sickening. 1.00

00:33:14.000 Because if somebody just wanted to fuck, if some crazy woman just wanted to go around town and, hey, meet me here, let's fuck, And then at 10 o'clock I'm going to meet another guy, I'm going to fuck him. 1.00

00:33:22.000 No one can say a goddamn word. 1.00

00:33:23.000 But because money's being exchanged, all of a sudden she's a criminal. 1.00

00:33:27.000 It's terrible.

00:33:28.000 And believe me, I'm a big fan of legalizing prostitution.

00:33:30.000 Trust me, I like it.

00:33:31.000 Well, it should be legal.

00:33:33.000 It shouldn't be mandatory, but it should be legal.

00:33:36.000 You should be able to do whatever you want to do.

00:33:38.000 It'd be safer if it was legal.

00:33:39.000 And I think a lot of our ideas about it... 0.97

00:33:41.000 Look, obviously, I don't want my daughters to be prostitutes. 1.00

00:33:44.000 Don't get me wrong. 0.99

00:33:45.000 But I think a lot of our ideas of what's so horrible about prostitution is all based on this puritanism bullshit that we've been pushing in this country from the get-go. 0.95

00:33:54.000 There's nothing wrong with being nice. 0.96

00:33:56.000 There's nothing wrong with having morals. 0.99

00:33:58.000 But when you push your own bullshit on other people... 0.99

00:34:01.000 And arrest them for giving hand jobs. 1.00

00:34:04.000 Can you imagine?

00:34:05.000 You could rub your feet.

00:34:06.000 You could rub my feet until the cows come home. 1.00

00:34:08.000 You could rub my ass cheeks. 1.00

00:34:11.000 That's all good, but it feels too good when you rub my dick, so don't do that or it'll put you in a cage. 1.00

00:34:15.000 You just have to have food involved, pretty much. 0.99

00:34:17.000 You have to give them a sandwich first.

00:34:18.000 I'm like, look, I gave you food.

00:34:20.000 Let's go back to my place.

00:34:21.000 What's the difference between a date and spending $100 on a date or $100 just here?

00:34:27.000 Instead of eating, you can just have the money.

00:34:31.000 Although you're spending money, you're spending money to try to show the woman that you're a generous person, you want to take care of her, and then the sex is a mutual thing.

00:34:39.000 The idea is just that the men should be paying for the woman because they're not worth as much, which I agree with. 1.00

00:34:46.000 What?

00:34:47.000 I agree, yeah.

00:34:49.000 Look, it's way easier for a girl to get laid than it is for a guy, so you've got to pay for dinner. 1.00

00:34:54.000 Seems like they have the upper hand, socially.

00:34:56.000 It's pretty obvious.

00:34:56.000 Exactly.

00:34:57.000 So pay for fucking dinner. 1.00

00:34:57.000 Until your buddy walks in with a pussy on his leg. 1.00

00:35:00.000 They win. 1.00

00:35:01.000 And even then, you gotta fucking smell your buddy's breath. 1.00

00:35:04.000 Yeah, look at the side of his dumb neck. 1.00

00:35:06.000 Yeah, you're fucking his thigh and going, what am I doing? 1.00

00:35:08.000 He's squirting all over your carpet. 1.00

00:35:10.000 Yeah, it's your buddy's squirt.

00:35:12.000 It's not hot at all.

00:35:14.000 You know, if your girl squirts all over your couch, it doesn't bother you. 1.00

00:35:18.000 Just throw a towel down. 0.88

00:35:19.000 What if I came over and just started squirting all over you? 1.00

00:35:21.000 Yeah, you could start squirting everywhere while I was fucking your leg. 1.00

00:35:23.000 Clear fluid. 1.00

00:35:25.000 What if genetic engineering leads to that? 0.99

00:35:28.000 Dudes just start putting vaginas on their elbows and banging each other's forearms. 1.00

00:35:33.000 I mean... 0.99

00:35:35.000 Someone's going to offer that option. 1.00

00:35:36.000 If that option becomes available, someone's going to be the guy who gets a vagina on his thigh. 1.00

00:35:40.000 Absolutely. 1.00

00:35:41.000 It's going to happen. 1.00

00:35:41.000 Yeah, and his friend will fuck it at a party and all of a sudden... 1.00

00:35:44.000 We all start getting yeast infections in our legs. 1.00

00:35:47.000 Did you hear that Eric Holder said today that they need to stop arresting people for petty marijuana crimes?

00:35:54.000 And crimes where there's no victims or where it's not a connection to drug cartels?

00:36:02.000 Like, it's sort of snuckling under the radar, but that's a gigantic statement from the Attorney General that they're going to basically stop this aspect of the drug war.

00:36:10.000 They want to let people out of jail. 0.96

00:36:12.000 It's like prisons are fucking overcrowded. 0.97

00:36:14.000 Like, this is two things in the last week that have been really surprising. 0.99

00:36:19.000 Yeah.

00:36:19.000 The Sanjay Gupta CNN thing, where he's coming out with a documentary on CNN called Weed, a year-long investigation to the positive benefits of medical marijuana and all these people that are sick and all the different things that it cures, all the different ailments that it alleviates symptoms.

00:36:36.000 And this guy is coming out and putting out this big piece on CNN.com and the special saying, I was wrong.

00:36:42.000 For years, I believed mainstream America's opinion about marijuana.

00:36:46.000 It was for a bunch of lazy slackers, and I thought that most of the medical marijuana was just people trying to get high.

00:36:51.000 But now he realizes it's not, and it's like there's massive, massive medical benefits.

00:36:56.000 I'm losing power in my dilithian crystals.

00:36:58.000 I think they're getting ready.

00:36:59.000 Captain!

00:37:00.000 I think they're getting ready to make it legal.

00:37:01.000 I'm losing power, Captain!

00:37:02.000 It seems like it.

00:37:03.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:37:04.000 If CNN puts it on TV like that, I mean, that's pretty crazy.

00:37:08.000 And then Eric Holder saying, we need to stop arresting people for petty crimes that don't involve drug cartels and, you know, marijuana offenses.

00:37:16.000 Like, what...

00:37:17.000 Wait a minute.

00:37:18.000 Isn't that like 50% of the prison?

00:37:20.000 Because the problem is nonviolent drug offenders are a giant part of what's in the prison system and making people much more likely to continue being criminals.

00:37:32.000 Like once you start putting people in jail, that's when they're much more likely to start repeating crimes.

00:37:37.000 The idea of punishing people by putting them in jail, that scares the shit out of them.

00:37:42.000 And if they're smart, they don't do it again. 1.00

00:37:44.000 But it also introduces them to a bunch of other people that are fucking criminals. 0.99

00:37:47.000 And they all get together and they talk. 1.00

00:37:48.000 And they figure out what the fuck they're going to do together once they get out of there. 0.99

00:37:51.000 And that's a way of turning a person who just wants to sell something that should be legal into a fucking criminal. 1.00

00:37:59.000 By putting them in a cage. 0.99

00:38:00.000 And what, all of a sudden they're figuring that out?

00:38:02.000 This is crazy.

00:38:03.000 Yeah, the government always seems to be a little behind on what...

00:38:09.000 They're always the last ones to show up and say yes to something or no.

00:38:13.000 They have to cover every angle at it.

00:38:15.000 They have to realize that you can't control it, and then they have to figure out how to make money off it.

00:38:18.000 Yeah, but this seems like a shift.

00:38:21.000 It seems like a shift in just the way they communicate about it.

00:38:27.000 I mean, these are new reforms aimed at curbing U.S. prison population.

00:38:43.000 Right.

00:38:51.000 Right.

00:39:04.000 It's billions in every state.

00:39:05.000 I mean, it's the projected tax revenue.

00:39:09.000 It sounds so crazy, but it's really true. 0.96

00:39:11.000 It could fix the United States economy. 0.98

00:39:13.000 That sounds fucking nuts, but it really could. 0.98

00:39:17.000 There's so much money involved in marijuana. 0.99

00:39:20.000 And right now, it's all slipping through the cracks.

00:39:23.000 It's all going on either illegally or it's a state as a medicinal sort of a thing, and then they get eventually busted by the DEA because it's not federal.

00:39:32.000 If they ease up that, it changes our whole culture.

00:39:36.000 It's going to change everything.

00:39:38.000 And once people realize all the things you can do with marijuana that don't involve getting high, when they realize the benefits of hemp, which has been illegal forever in this fucking country, since the 1930s, as long as marijuana's been illegal, we can't grow hemp.

00:39:52.000 And the non-psychoactive form of marijuana.

00:39:56.000 So the stalks of marijuana make insanely good paper.

00:40:00.000 They make tremendous building materials that are biodegradable and last forever and are stronger than steel. 1.00

00:40:07.000 It's a nutty fucking plant. 0.99

00:40:09.000 It's got essential amino acids in it. 1.00

00:40:12.000 You can eat the protein from it.

00:40:13.000 Does it get you high or no?

00:40:14.000 Oh, it can get you high.

00:40:16.000 I mean the stalk.

00:40:16.000 The stalk doesn't, no.

00:40:18.000 The female flowers will get you high. 1.00

00:40:22.000 So what you're getting when you get hemp, you're either getting various strains, which are like, I think technically you wouldn't refer to it as a cousin, but it does get referred to as a cousin all the time, but people correct me online.

00:40:35.000 So just that caveat.

00:40:37.000 But it's essentially the male version of the plant.

00:40:39.000 And variations of the male versions of the plant. 0.87

00:40:43.000 And that doesn't have any psychoactive properties to it. 0.96

00:40:46.000 But you can make fucking ridiculously strong rope with it. 0.94

00:40:49.000 Like, it's a weird plant. 0.97

00:40:51.000 Like, you'll take a stalk of this stuff, right?

00:40:53.000 I've seen it like this thick. 1.00

00:40:54.000 It's light like styrofoam, but hard as a fucking rock. 0.99

00:40:58.000 It's weird. 1.00

00:40:59.000 It's a weird fucking plant. 1.00

00:41:00.000 It's like no plant that exists on Earth. 1.00

00:41:03.000 It's really almost like it's an alien.

00:41:05.000 It's such a strange plant.

00:41:06.000 And it's so beneficial to humankind.

00:41:08.000 The fact that it's illegal is just outside of the psychoactive effects.

00:41:13.000 If it had no effect on the human body whatsoever, just for its ability to use it in building materials, the ability to make clothes and paper and oil. 0.97

00:41:23.000 Henry Ford's first fucking car had hemp. 0.80

00:41:26.000 All of the body panels were made out of hemp. 0.99

00:41:29.000 And it ran on hemp.

00:41:31.000 Like he would make oil from hemp and run engines on it. 1.00

00:41:34.000 I mean, you can do so much shit with it. 0.99

00:41:36.000 It's almost a joke. 0.99

00:41:38.000 Like, if you look at all the different things you can do with it, how could it be legal?

00:41:41.000 How could it be illegal, rather?

00:41:43.000 You wonder why there are certain things...

00:41:44.000 Like, I wonder why we can't go to Cuba. 0.99

00:41:46.000 There are certain things the government does that it's like, at a point, it's like, what the fuck are you doing? 0.92

00:41:50.000 Like, after a while, it's like, enough is enough of these little things. 0.95

00:41:54.000 Like, why can't I do that?

00:41:55.000 I'm not a baby.

00:41:56.000 We're not babies.

00:42:17.000 They have to make some radical reform if they want to keep a hold of us.

00:42:20.000 Because there's a lot of people that are upset right now.

00:42:22.000 Finding out about the NSA watching every single American as if we're all bad.

00:42:27.000 How about all of us who do...

00:42:28.000 Can it be like the TSA? Can I get a TSA pre where you know that I'm not a fucking terrorist so you stop reading my email, dickwad? 0.99

00:42:35.000 Can we make that deal? 0.99

00:42:37.000 I have mixed feelings about the NSA. A part of me loves that they did that.

00:42:41.000 Because the American people have become such... 0.98

00:42:46.000 What bothers me about Americans is we've become such nosy pigs into each other's lives. 0.94

00:42:51.000 And there's nothing an American loves more than violating the privacy of somebody else. 0.94

00:42:56.000 True.

00:42:56.000 Nothing we love more.

00:42:58.000 And now all of a sudden, we don't like it.

00:43:01.000 Because someone's invading our privacy.

00:43:03.000 I get the difference of what the government is doing.

00:43:05.000 It's awful. 0.95

00:43:06.000 But I mean, on just the principle of it, where were all these fucking people, and I've said this before, crying about privacy when they couldn't get enough of Mel Gibson's private voicemails or Alec Baldwin's phone calls or Tiger Woods' private texts? 0.96

00:43:21.000 Now, I understand we look at them as entertainment value. 0.96

00:43:25.000 The people also are comfortable seeing those things and making judgments and treating people a certain way because of them. 0.96

00:43:32.000 So they didn't give a fuck that anybody else's privacy was violated.

00:43:35.000 However, their privacy is sacred. 0.93

00:43:37.000 So I kind of like Google Glass, and I like this.

00:43:40.000 It evens the playing field. 0.99

00:43:42.000 Just, you know, like fucking Petraeus. 1.00

00:43:44.000 The head of the CIA couldn't fuck some chick on the side when he's married to Michael Moore. 1.00

00:43:49.000 How depressing is that? 1.00

00:43:50.000 And no one gets away with anything anymore.

00:43:52.000 So I wish the American people would stop being so nosy and minding everyone's business but their own and I would completely be against the NSA. But until that happens, fuck them. 1.00

00:44:01.000 I love the fact that their privacy is being violated too and they can see how it feels. 1.00

00:44:06.000 Wow, that's an angry Jimmy Norton.

00:44:08.000 Not even angry, just tired of the...

00:44:10.000 I'm not even mad about it.

00:44:11.000 I know what you're saying.

00:44:11.000 I agree with you to a certain extent.

00:44:13.000 That self-righteousness that people have Like with Paula Deen, they're comfortable allowing her to be lynched publicly and no one is stepping up and going, you know what, I've said some shitty things.

00:44:24.000 No one expresses that honesty in themselves and gives each other breaks on inappropriate things that we say.

00:44:31.000 We're allowing moments to define who people are.

00:44:34.000 Yes.

00:44:34.000 And we all have the moments!

00:44:36.000 Yes.

00:44:36.000 It's nuts!

00:44:38.000 And we might not have the moments to that varying...

00:44:40.000 Right, exactly. 0.89

00:44:41.000 ...that degree of fucked-up-itude. 0.97

00:44:44.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:44:44.000 She did a lot of... 0.96

00:44:46.000 I don't know what Paula Deen actually did, but if you listen to the people that work with her, she sounds like she was a funny, racist, all-white lady. 0.99

00:44:53.000 Yeah.

00:44:53.000 I don't know.

00:44:54.000 I wouldn't... 1.00

00:44:55.000 I wouldn't want to even guess what it would be like to be a black guy working for her and hearing that shit come out of her mouth. 1.00

00:45:02.000 Did she say it worked though? 1.00

00:45:03.000 I don't know if she did or not.

00:45:04.000 Supposedly?

00:45:05.000 Allegedly? 0.99

00:45:06.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.99

00:45:07.000 I mean, that's what I read. 0.99

00:45:09.000 That's what people are accusing her of.

00:45:11.000 Unless you're there, who knows?

00:45:13.000 And you're also dealing with disgruntled employees.

00:45:16.000 Wins.

00:45:16.000 Paula Deen wins.

00:45:17.000 The racial suit that destroyed her.

00:45:19.000 How does she win? 0.98

00:45:20.000 See her black friend that she hangs out with?

00:45:22.000 Oh, she's got black friends now.

00:45:23.000 It's a good move. 0.99

00:45:24.000 Big black guy with a hat. 1.00

00:45:25.000 She's probably got a fucking snake for a cock. 1.00

00:45:27.000 What is the judgment? 1.00

00:45:29.000 What does it say?

00:45:30.000 It says that the original lawsuit, a judge ruled that Lisa Jackson had no right to claim racial discrimination because she's white. 0.83

00:45:40.000 Any comments that Dean or her cohorts may have had had no legal consequence to her.

00:45:44.000 Oh, so she tried to claim racial discrimination. 1.00

00:45:47.000 Yeah.

00:45:48.000 And she was white.

00:45:48.000 She was just trying to get paid.

00:45:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:50.000 Oh, what a dirty cunt. 1.00

00:45:52.000 Yeah, so... 1.00

00:45:52.000 But she destroyed Paula Deen's... 1.00

00:45:54.000 Pretty much Paula Deen's... 0.65

00:45:55.000 Yeah, nah.

00:45:56.000 She'll be fine.

00:45:57.000 She's ruined.

00:45:58.000 You think so?

00:45:59.000 It's over?

00:46:00.000 Because, again, no one... 0.99

00:46:02.000 You see Matt Lauer, that fucking jizz bag, that sanctimonious interview he did with her? 0.99

00:46:08.000 Yeah, that wasn't nice. 0.99

00:46:09.000 But he couldn't...

00:46:10.000 Where was one ounce of honesty in this guy?

00:46:13.000 Maybe you've never said that word, but are you going to tell me you've never in your life, under oath, you could say you've never said a racially insensitive thing? 1.00

00:46:19.000 Bullshit! 1.00

00:46:20.000 Bullshit! 1.00

00:46:21.000 Yeah, I think he's got a problem. 1.00

00:46:24.000 And his problem is that he's a talking head on television who's not allowed to have anything even remotely controversial to come out of his mouth.

00:46:34.000 And he's also terrified because he's in that box.

00:46:38.000 So for him to try to...

00:46:40.000 First of all, you can't do that in a little conversation.

00:46:43.000 If you're going to have a conversation with that woman about the world, about racism... 0.89

00:46:47.000 You're going to have to sit down with her like this. 0.99

00:46:49.000 You're going to have to podcast with Paula Deen.

00:46:50.000 Have a three-hour conversation with her.

00:46:52.000 Find out who are you.

00:46:54.000 What did you do? 1.00

00:46:55.000 And you'll know by the end of three hours whether or not she's full of shit. 1.00

00:46:58.000 You will. 1.00

00:46:59.000 You'll know.

00:46:59.000 Everyone will be able to...

00:47:00.000 You can bullshit your way through a five-minute conversation on The Tonight Show. 1.00

00:47:03.000 You can't bullshit your way through three hours. 0.99

00:47:06.000 Not at all. 0.84

00:47:07.000 And I think this is an issue that really needed to be addressed like that. 0.99

00:47:10.000 You can't, like, have a quick Matt Lauer interview with this scared lady, and a scared old lady that has fucking death threats coming in from black people all day, I'm sure. 1.00

00:47:19.000 You know? 1.00

00:47:20.000 I mean, you can't be a white person in 2013 calling people niggers. 0.98

00:47:25.000 You can't do it. 0.98

00:47:26.000 The phony outrage, and it's not even from black people who get annoyed. 0.99

00:47:30.000 What I've grown to hate is other white people because... 1.00

00:47:33.000 Patrice said it. 0.98

00:47:34.000 Patrice said it best.

00:47:34.000 He goes, I've never met a racist.

00:47:36.000 Not one person I've ever met has ever admitted they were racist. 0.99

00:47:40.000 And what I hate about these fucking, these white people whose idea of combating racism is just targeting other white people who have said something inappropriate is simply their way of deflecting attention from themselves and their own, I think they have superiority complexes. 0.99

00:47:55.000 And I think, like, I can't walk up to my black friends and tell them, hey, I'm not a racist. 0.99

00:48:00.000 But if Paula Deen acts like one, then I can use her to mirror how good I am.

00:48:04.000 It's a self-serving proposition.

00:48:06.000 And I hate it, and I don't buy it.

00:48:09.000 I just don't buy it, man.

00:48:10.000 Yeah, I agree with you that there's a lot of people that love to do that moral high ground thing.

00:48:15.000 They love, by not, by telling you that you're doing something wrong, they're not just telling you that you're doing something wrong, they're telling you that they're awesome.

00:48:23.000 Yes.

00:48:24.000 That's a big thing.

00:48:25.000 And it's in their tone.

00:48:26.000 And it's in their lack of self-revealing they do in these moments and in these discussions.

00:48:32.000 If they revealed ugliness about themselves, I would have respect for them.

00:48:36.000 Like, why am I comfortable talking about Pat O'Brien's dirty voicemails or Tiger Woods' dirty text messages?

00:48:42.000 Because I talk about my own. 0.98

00:48:44.000 Like, I'll make fun of his, but I'll tell you that I also have texted my cock to many people. 1.00

00:48:48.000 I'm a piece of shit. 1.00

00:48:50.000 So I'm not coming from... 1.00

00:48:51.000 I'm not better than him.

00:48:52.000 And I refuse to come off like that.

00:48:54.000 Yeah, there's a real problem with people thinking that you need to be better than people, too.

00:48:58.000 It's like...

00:48:59.000 And especially pretending. 1.00

00:49:01.000 That shit never works. 1.00

00:49:02.000 Claiming the moral high ground and becoming the super white knight and pretending that you're there to defend all women... 1.00

00:49:10.000 This shit doesn't work. 1.00

00:49:12.000 No. 1.00

00:49:12.000 It never works. 1.00

00:49:13.000 The type of women you get from faking that shit, I mean, you might really be that guy, and if you are, God bless you. 1.00

00:49:19.000 But if you're faking it, who are you going to trick? 1.00

00:49:22.000 One average girl with glasses and a stupid tattoo with words on her arm. 1.00

00:49:26.000 Fucking boo. 1.00

00:49:27.000 Rotten fuck. 1.00

00:49:28.000 Stupid baggy jeans. 1.00

00:49:32.000 Yeah, you're not going to get much out of it. 1.00

00:49:34.000 Have you ever banged a feminist? 0.96

00:49:36.000 I'm sure I have.

00:49:41.000 I like strong women a lot. 1.00

00:49:45.000 I am strong.

00:49:46.000 I am invincible.

00:49:49.000 Yes, I like that type of woman a lot. 1.00

00:49:51.000 A lot of them are sexual submissives. 1.00

00:49:53.000 Lawyers that I've fucked have been sexual submissive female cops because they're very strong. 1.00

00:49:57.000 They like something different. 0.99

00:49:59.000 Not all, I'm sure.

00:50:01.000 But I have nothing against a feminist. 1.00

00:50:02.000 If she's reasonable and she's fighting for women to get what they deserve, I'm for it.

00:50:07.000 When they language police and they nitpick because their cause is not as needed as it was 20 years ago, then I hate their guts like any other special interest group.

00:50:15.000 But when they're fighting for what's right and legitimately getting the right amount of money...

00:50:19.000 I don't think women should be sexually harassed at work. 1.00

00:50:21.000 These guys are like this fucking cocksucker in San Diego who's grabbing women and being a complete piece of shit and saying he didn't know. 1.00

00:50:29.000 Fuck that guy. 1.00

00:50:30.000 One of those women's husbands should fucking hit this guy with an axe. 1.00

00:50:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:50:33.000 It would be hard to imagine your wife being at work with some lech all day who's constantly harassing her and bothering her and brushes her cock by her when he walks by her in the hall. 1.00

00:50:44.000 That kind of shit, that happens to people at work. 1.00

00:50:47.000 People go, look, I was just walking by. 1.00

00:50:49.000 People are always being cunts. 1.00

00:50:51.000 But that's a cunt. 1.00

00:50:52.000 It doesn't matter if he's a man or a woman. 0.99

00:50:55.000 You know, I think the idea of feminism is a good idea. 1.00

00:51:00.000 As the idea of masculinism, that's a good idea, too.

00:51:03.000 I don't think it's a real word, but if it was a real word, it'd be a good idea.

00:51:06.000 There's nothing wrong with you being allowed to be you.

00:51:10.000 And me being allowed to be me. 0.89

00:51:12.000 And we're gonna be fucking different. 0.56

00:51:13.000 That's why the world varies so much. 0.96

00:51:15.000 That's why movies vary and music varies and stand-up comedy varies. 0.99

00:51:20.000 There's people that like all kinds of different shit, but a lot of men don't want women to be women. 0.99

00:51:26.000 And a lot of women don't want men to be men. 1.00

00:51:28.000 They want them to be what they want them to be. 1.00

00:51:30.000 And when you have some asshole who wants you to be a certain way and you have to work for that dick and you're a woman, that's a special place in hell. 1.00

00:51:41.000 I mean, that's a fucking horrible place in hell. 1.00

00:51:44.000 But it has nothing to do with this. 1.00

00:51:46.000 It's not a sex thing.

00:51:47.000 It's not an all-gender thing. 1.00

00:51:48.000 It's that that guy's a piece of shit. 1.00

00:51:50.000 Yeah, he is a piece of shit. 1.00

00:51:50.000 You just found a piece of shit. 1.00

00:51:52.000 It just happens to be a man. 1.00

00:51:53.000 But guess what? 1.00

00:51:54.000 If you're a man and you have a cunt boss and your boss is a woman and she's a fucking asshole, I have a friend who has a woman boss. 1.00

00:52:01.000 He actually just left his gig. 1.00

00:52:03.000 But he had this woman boss who brutalized him. 1.00

00:52:07.000 Just wouldn't leave him alone.

00:52:08.000 It was just like giving him cancer. 0.99

00:52:10.000 It was just like rotting at him, like all day, every day, with someone who you couldn't talk back to, who was just fucking with you, and pestering you, and berating you, and insulting you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. 0.99

00:52:22.000 Not a damn thing you can do about it. 0.97

00:52:24.000 She was talking to him in a way that a regular man, like a man in the street that you didn't owe anything to, would never talk to you unless he was ready to fight. 0.99

00:52:32.000 But she would just get in his face and point at him and say crazy shit to him. 1.00

00:52:36.000 There's nothing he could do. 0.99

00:52:37.000 No, and there's nothing he could do, and that's why she was doing it, yeah. 1.00

00:52:40.000 Yeah, I mean, she would ask him if he was stupid. 1.00

00:52:41.000 Are you stupid? 1.00

00:52:42.000 Are you stupid? 1.00

00:52:44.000 And like, wow, I have to listen to this. 1.00

00:52:47.000 There's nothing you can do about it.

00:52:48.000 You're just stuck.

00:52:50.000 That shouldn't be right.

00:52:51.000 And it shouldn't be right for any human being to do that to another human being. 1.00

00:52:54.000 He should have said stupid is as stupid does and then given her a cocky look. 1.00

00:52:58.000 So in that sense, yeah, I'm a feminist in a lot of ways. 1.00

00:53:01.000 I'm a masculinist.

00:53:02.000 I'm a humanist.

00:53:02.000 I think we should be able to do whatever we want.

00:53:04.000 The problem is when you start looking out for your own, when you start looking out for a gender, a generalization, you start going towards one gender only, emphasizing that one gender's inadequacies, In our society, the problem is you become a gang, 0.62

00:53:19.000 and you become part of a team.

00:53:21.000 Right, but the thing is, what I hate about people so much is they say, because they're not consistent.

00:53:29.000 Like, I don't, everything should be the same, and I don't want, nothing should be different, unless you're talking about diversity, then it's good.

00:53:35.000 I don't like any kind of profiling, it's wrong, unless, of course, it's an ethnic pride parade.

00:53:42.000 Then we can all profile and it's a delightful idea.

00:53:44.000 I'd be proud to be Irish.

00:53:45.000 So people only want grand, sweeping generalizations when they're a part of a good, grand, sweeping generalization.

00:53:53.000 It's funny, I go through our TSA security and they're now saying anybody under 12 or over 75 does not have to take your shoes off.

00:54:00.000 And I have not heard one person complaining about age discrimination.

00:54:04.000 I'm over 75. Why am I not being treated the same as these other people?

00:54:07.000 I have not heard one fucking parent saying, my kid's under 12. Why aren't you treating them like everybody else? 0.99

00:54:12.000 It's only when we're treated in a manner that we don't approve of that we take this principle of, hey, don't treat me differently. 0.99

00:54:18.000 It's arbitrary and it's bullshit. 0.96

00:54:20.000 So that's why you can't respect any of it. 1.00

00:54:22.000 It makes me crazy.

00:54:23.000 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of groups.

00:54:26.000 I'm really not a big fan of groups that focus on one gender.

00:54:30.000 I'm not a big fan of generalizations.

00:54:31.000 I'm not a big fan of a lot of things.

00:54:33.000 I'm certainly not a big fan of anything where anyone who is the weaker is getting bullied, whether it's a physical, whether it's a sexual thing or a physical thing or a man bugging a woman.

00:54:48.000 I have a sister.

00:54:49.000 I have daughters.

00:54:49.000 I have a wife.

00:54:50.000 I 100% know it's way more difficult to be a woman than it is to be a man in a physical sense. 1.00

00:54:58.000 And I think there should be laws about that shit. 1.00

00:55:00.000 Abso-fucking-lutely. 1.00

00:55:01.000 I think that men who do abuse women or who do sexually harass them, they're fucking creepy people, man. 1.00

00:55:08.000 They are creepy. 0.99

00:55:08.000 But so are women who do it to men. 0.99

00:55:10.000 And the idea that that's not the case, the idea that a situation where a man who gets taken by a woman in a divorce in some fucking horrible way, where, you know, you find, I mean, I could go into this for days, but I'm sure we all know guys who've just been raped in divorce. 0.86

00:55:28.000 Some of us do radio with him every day. 0.85

00:55:30.000 Just crushed.

00:55:31.000 Yeah, Anthony.

00:55:32.000 Got murdered.

00:55:33.000 I know a guy who lost millions.

00:55:36.000 My favorite story, I even talked about him on my act.

00:55:38.000 He had to pay for his wife's attorney.

00:55:40.000 And his wife dragged the thing out for years. 1.00

00:55:43.000 So he was paying for the enemy's general.

00:55:46.000 So he's going to war for all of his money, and it wound up costing him everything.

00:55:51.000 I mean, it was just a devastating several-year event.

00:55:55.000 That she was doing it on purpose to try to drag it out, to try to milk him. 0.99

00:56:00.000 When you see shit like that, you think, okay, men should have rights too. 0.99

00:56:04.000 Yes, absolutely, he's not in a sense, it's not the same thing as him being raped. 1.00

00:56:09.000 Absolutely.

00:56:10.000 But he's being financially destroyed.

00:56:13.000 And someone's doing it in a spiteful way. 0.99

00:56:16.000 And they're doing it because they just grew to hate him or whatever the fuck it was. 0.97

00:56:21.000 But there should be a law against that. 0.99

00:56:23.000 Like, they didn't even have children.

00:56:25.000 Like, it was one of the craziest things I've ever seen in my life.

00:56:27.000 When you find out what happens if a man and a woman are together... 0.97

00:56:30.000 For X amount of years, then he has to pay for her for the rest of her life. 1.00

00:56:34.000 Yeah, but he doesn't get to fuck her. 1.00

00:56:35.000 That's the beautiful part. 1.00

00:56:36.000 She's like, well, I have a lifestyle. 1.00

00:56:37.000 He's like, well, I was used to getting blown and having your ass on my face. 1.00

00:56:41.000 How about that, what we're used to? 0.99

00:56:43.000 You remember Chris Rock's bit about that? 0.97

00:56:45.000 About alimony and pussy payments? 0.94

00:56:47.000 Yeah, he had a whole book about it. 0.99

00:56:49.000 Like, I believe in alimony, but I also believe in pussy payments. 0.99

00:56:53.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:56:54.000 You know, there's all sorts of inequality in this world, both projected towards women and projected towards men. 0.99

00:57:03.000 And there's all sorts of assholes in the world, both women and men. 1.00

00:57:07.000 There's just assholes. 1.00

00:57:08.000 And that's our real problem in this life. 1.00

00:57:10.000 It's not...

00:57:10.000 Lumping ourselves into groups and generalizing that all women are good and all men are bad or vice versa.

00:57:15.000 That's crazy too.

00:57:17.000 What's important is recognizing that there's really only three types of people in the world. 1.00

00:57:22.000 Morons, assholes, and people that are alright. 1.00

00:57:25.000 You might not agree with them. 1.00

00:57:26.000 You might not like them.

00:57:28.000 They might not be your style.

00:57:29.000 They might be different. 1.00

00:57:32.000 Morons, assholes, and people that are alright. 1.00

00:57:34.000 That's really all there is in this world. 1.00

00:57:36.000 We're also paying for the sins of a lot of other people.

00:57:38.000 Sure.

00:57:38.000 Like for centuries.

00:57:40.000 White American men dominated everything in this country. 0.95

00:57:44.000 There's also a reality of... 0.99

00:57:46.000 A lot of people were treated like garbage for a long time, and a lot of promises were broken.

00:57:51.000 And there's a reality to that that's not excuse-making.

00:57:55.000 It's a real thing.

00:57:57.000 And then they say, well, you know, white people have benefited from that system. 0.95

00:58:01.000 So what's happening is in an effort to balance the fucking playing field a little bit, a lot of us today are being treated unfairly because the balancing act is making things go so far. 0.97

00:58:11.000 I do understand that. 0.95

00:58:12.000 That's why...

00:58:13.000 I had a conversation after Tasha's... 0.94

00:58:16.000 Oh, Tracy's gay jokes. 0.99

00:58:20.000 For folks who don't know, Tracy Morgan did a joke about if his son was gay, he would stab him. 0.99

00:58:26.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:58:26.000 And everybody went crazy. 0.99

00:58:27.000 And I had a couple gay comics on, Rick Crome and Jim David, and we talked about this on this comedy special I did.

00:58:32.000 And as comedians, I asked him, how do they feel about the imbalance in the language?

00:58:36.000 Like the fact that you get in trouble for that now.

00:58:38.000 And Jim Davis said, I'm okay with it.

00:58:40.000 And I'm like, well, how are you okay with it as a comic?

00:58:42.000 And he goes, because it's not a level playing field.

00:58:45.000 Meaning, what he thought was like, in life, gay people are not treated as well. 0.99

00:58:48.000 So he didn't give a shit if that guy got in a little bit more trouble. 0.99

00:58:52.000 And I kind of, I heard what he said there. 0.99

00:58:54.000 Like, even though I don't want to get in trouble for it, in that sense, he was right.

00:58:58.000 It's like, you know...

00:59:00.000 We still have a big segment of our country that can't get married and they're treated like second-class citizens, but yet we go around and tell other countries how to live their lives. 1.00

00:59:08.000 We're so full of shit, it makes me nuts! 0.99

00:59:10.000 Well, I think there's a real legitimate argument in the idea that until it balances out, until everyone completely relaxes on discrimination towards gays, like, there's no discrimination on bachelors anymore. 1.00

00:59:26.000 You know, like if a man is a 50-year-old man, he says, I'm just not getting married again.

00:59:29.000 There's no discrimination or social pariah.

00:59:33.000 But if he decides to marry a man, then it is.

00:59:35.000 Like, well, what is that?

00:59:37.000 And why is that not eradicated from our culture yet?

00:59:40.000 Well, once that is eradicated from our culture...

00:59:42.000 Then I think people are going to be much more likely to accept gay jokes. 0.98

00:59:47.000 Because I keep hearing that gay jokes are homophobic. 0.72

00:59:50.000 And I'm like, guess what? 0.87

00:59:51.000 No, they're not.

00:59:52.000 It's not homophobic at all. 0.93

00:59:53.000 It's a gay joke. 1.00

00:59:54.000 Just like jokes about straight sex aren't heterophobic. 0.95

00:59:58.000 They're jokes about sex.

00:59:59.000 And there's jokes about everything.

01:00:02.000 And it's really about context.

01:00:04.000 It's not about the subject matter.

01:00:06.000 And you can't eliminate certain subject matters.

01:00:08.000 You just can't.

01:00:09.000 Because the human language is very nuanced. 1.00

01:00:12.000 There's a lot of shit going on. 0.93

01:00:13.000 And every single interaction that you have, where humor could potentially be crafted from it, can be taken in a whole wide variety of different ways. 0.99

01:00:22.000 And I like all those ways. 0.99

01:00:24.000 I like people saying fucked up shit they don't really mean. 1.00

01:00:26.000 Sure. 1.00

01:00:27.000 I think there's something funny in Tracy Morgan saying, if I find out my son was gay, I'll stab that little nigga. 1.00

01:00:33.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

01:00:34.000 It's not real. 0.99

01:00:35.000 It's over the top. 0.97

01:00:35.000 It's ludicrous, right. 0.97

01:00:36.000 It's not real. 0.90

01:00:37.000 Of course he wouldn't do that.

01:00:38.000 Of course it would be, you know. 0.99

01:00:40.000 It's ridiculous. 0.52

01:00:42.000 The idea that it's like, I do a joke in my act, like, guess what? 0.96

01:00:45.000 Johnny Cash didn't really shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die, either.

01:00:48.000 Maybe.

01:00:49.000 I don't think he did.

01:00:50.000 Maybe.

01:00:50.000 He might have.

01:00:51.000 More likely that he did it than Tracy Morgan would stab his son. 0.78

01:00:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:54.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:00:55.000 Johnny Cash probably should have said, I took some pills and fell asleep on the tour bus. 1.00

01:00:59.000 That'd probably be more accurate.

01:01:00.000 But I get where gay people are coming from, too, though, because it's not a level playing field. 1.00

01:01:05.000 So when you see, like, all this, like, it's almost like shitting on people when they're down. 0.99

01:01:10.000 Like, here's a perfect example. 0.99

01:01:12.000 Like, um...

01:01:14.000 This Opie thing that's going on. 0.99

01:01:15.000 Yes.

01:01:16.000 With this, if you don't know, Opie, many years ago, stomped on this homeless guy's cake, and he thought it would be cute to put it online. 0.89

01:01:23.000 And people are so fucking mad at him, because it's a really douchey thing to do.

01:01:28.000 It's been online for years, though. 0.95

01:01:29.000 He just retweeted it, I think.

01:01:30.000 But it's been up for seven years.

01:01:32.000 But the fact that he...

01:01:33.000 Well, what people didn't like is people have a sense of humanity.

01:01:37.000 And they look at this guy, and he's a homeless guy. 0.99

01:01:39.000 He's fucking down and out. 0.99

01:01:40.000 And here's this millionaire radio DJ who thinks it's funny to stomp on his cake. 0.99

01:01:45.000 Like, you know what I mean?

01:01:46.000 In that context.

01:01:47.000 And that's something that, unfortunately...

01:01:50.000 We would do a walkover from K-Rock every day, which you did with us, and that guy was Andrew, and he was the guy we saw every day.

01:01:58.000 He was the guy we talked to, we had on the air, we gave money to him, we would give him food.

01:02:02.000 We had a really good relationship with this guy.

01:02:05.000 I think that's why he was offering cake, because we had stopped by so many times and handed him food.

01:02:09.000 He had some cake. 0.77

01:02:11.000 And Ope did a dick thing, but it was just, it was literally just to make everybody laugh. 0.97

01:02:16.000 It wasn't to dehumanize this guy or to degrade him. 0.97

01:02:20.000 It was something he would have done to anybody else that he knew.

01:02:23.000 And I know that that made people go, well, too bad.

01:02:25.000 But the reality was, the context of that relationship with Andrew the homeless guy was not some, hey, bum, here's some money.

01:02:33.000 We can do what we want.

01:02:34.000 It didn't feel like that.

01:02:36.000 It didn't come off like that to any of us.

01:02:37.000 Yeah, but he got really depressed after Opie stomped on his cake.

01:02:39.000 Yeah, but he had just started drinking again, too.

01:02:41.000 We were trying to get him sober.

01:02:42.000 That's a good way to do it.

01:02:43.000 Step on his cake. 1.00

01:02:44.000 Well, you know, it was a piece of shit cake anyway. 1.00

01:02:46.000 It was a fucking... 1.00

01:02:47.000 It was another garbage. 1.00

01:02:48.000 I see you're supporting Opie, and I'm friends with Opie, too. 0.98

01:02:51.000 I'm supporting Opie only because I was there through that entire walkover with Andrew, and I saw him 50 times before and after that.

01:02:58.000 So, in context.

01:02:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:02:59.000 I would have been fucking... 0.99

01:03:01.000 It was cringey, and I was like, oh, God. 0.98

01:03:04.000 Did he give him anything after he stomped on his cake?

01:03:06.000 Did he give him any money?

01:03:07.000 Of course he did.

01:03:08.000 We gave him like $100.

01:03:09.000 And then people were going, that wasn't good enough.

01:03:11.000 They're like, this is what I'm saying.

01:03:12.000 They're like, oh, you could dehumanize him and give him $100?

01:03:15.000 But it wasn't looked at like nobody felt like, wow, he dehumanized this guy.

01:03:20.000 Because he was somebody we talked to all the time and had great interactions with.

01:03:24.000 So that's why it didn't feel... 1.00

01:03:26.000 I understand people seeing it though and going, what the fuck is going on, you piece of shit? 1.00

01:03:30.000 I get seeing a one and a half minute clip. 1.00

01:03:33.000 Maybe I would feel the same way if I didn't have the luxury of having been there throughout that entire time.

01:03:40.000 See, here's a perfect example.

01:03:42.000 If that homeless guy was getting in an argument with another homeless guy and the homeless guy jumped on his cake, then it would be okay.

01:03:50.000 Because there's one homeless guy getting over on another homeless guy and stomping on his cake.

01:03:53.000 But when a millionaire DJ guy does it...

01:03:56.000 Look, I know what he was doing, and I know what that audience is like.

01:04:01.000 When you guys are...

01:04:02.000 Opie and Anthony is my favorite show ever to do, because it's such a hang, and everybody's making everybody else laugh.

01:04:09.000 And it's like what we were talking about before the show today.

01:04:12.000 It's like, what's okay for you and I... To talk about in our jobs as stand-up comedians, for most people, those same words and thoughts would get you fired.

01:04:23.000 It would get you kicked out of the office.

01:04:24.000 You'd get written up.

01:04:25.000 You'd get sued.

01:04:26.000 You can't have that sort of mentality.

01:04:29.000 But for us, it's so normal. 0.96

01:04:30.000 So when you're hanging out with Opie, And Anthony Cumia and you guys are just talking mad shit and you're on the air as you're walking across the street and you're just trying to make each other laugh. 0.95

01:04:40.000 And one of the things that people do when they try to make each other laugh is they cross the line. 0.97

01:04:44.000 They completely, brutally cross the line.

01:04:46.000 And that's the way to do that there.

01:04:48.000 You brutally cross the line, you gotta jump on the homeless guy's cake! 0.98

01:04:51.000 And Opie, you know, in doing that, it sounds like a cop-out on my part because he's my friend, and I would never have done what he did, but I know what his motivation was.

01:05:01.000 Exactly, and our audience will accept a lot, but honestly, there is a humanity to them.

01:05:06.000 Like, that homeless shopping spree we would do, the homeless guys would never mistreat.

01:05:10.000 Like, literally, they would treat like rock stars.

01:05:12.000 They would go to the mall. 1.00

01:05:14.000 Thousands of people would be cheering them, buying them shit. 0.99

01:05:17.000 There are people we had gotten to know. 0.99

01:05:19.000 So it was like the people would mention, oh, then they would do this homeless shopping spree.

01:05:22.000 It's like they weren't...

01:05:23.000 It didn't feel like, oh my god. 0.97

01:05:25.000 It felt like a fucked up thing to do. 0.96

01:05:27.000 But it didn't feel as literal as, oh my god, he's a millionaire stepping on the food of a homeless man. 0.99

01:05:33.000 Because I don't think that was the intent behind it other than just being a dick in that moment to a guy who he knew we had given food and money to and we were going to give money to the... 0.67

01:05:41.000 It's like... 0.77

01:05:42.000 I know what you're saying. 0.95

01:05:42.000 He knew it was just a momentary dick thing to do. 0.95

01:05:46.000 To make us laugh. 0.99

01:05:48.000 To be silly. 0.92

01:05:49.000 Not to humiliate Andrew. 0.96

01:05:50.000 Nobody wanted to humiliate the guy.

01:05:51.000 The problem is when you see things out of context, it's like you were talking about earlier about Paula Deen.

01:05:56.000 You don't know the entirety of a person when you see one event.

01:06:00.000 Ope's a great guy.

01:06:01.000 We had him on the podcast.

01:06:02.000 He's a great guy.

01:06:03.000 And I always credit you guys with being one of the reasons why I wanted to get into podcasting in the first place.

01:06:09.000 It was because of doing your show.

01:06:11.000 Because your show was the only show that I'd ever done where there was no rigid set of this is this now, and then we're going to go to the wacky five at five, and then there's Bob on the chopper.

01:06:22.000 There was nothing.

01:06:23.000 It was a hang.

01:06:24.000 It was a complete total hang.

01:06:25.000 Every time I've ever done it, whether it's with Burr or with... 0.98

01:06:28.000 I mean, fucking, how many times have I done it? 0.94

01:06:30.000 I've done it so many times with so many different comics, with Rich, or with... 0.99

01:06:34.000 I've never got to do it with Patrice.

01:06:36.000 The only thing I did with Patrice was when we did that thing in Vegas together, which was a lot of fun, too.

01:06:41.000 Oh, wow, yeah.

01:06:41.000 That's how I got to hang with Patrice.

01:06:42.000 That's the only time I really got to hang with him, outside of seeing him early on in the day, when I didn't even know him.

01:06:49.000 He was one of my favorite people.

01:06:50.000 Even though he was very dominating and no one could out-yap Patrice loudness...

01:06:55.000 But he was so much fun to do radio with.

01:06:59.000 He was one of my favorite guys ever because to make him...

01:07:03.000 If you made him laugh, you knew you were funny.

01:07:07.000 He didn't give it to people for no reason. 0.99

01:07:10.000 He didn't give pity bullshit. 0.96

01:07:12.000 He was just too unconcerned with hurting people's feelings to do that. 0.99

01:07:16.000 He didn't care. 0.91

01:07:18.000 One of my favorite things with him is I convinced him that Face Off was a shitty movie. 0.84

01:07:22.000 And that's one of my favorite moments.

01:07:24.000 It happened at K-Rock.

01:07:25.000 John Travolta and Nick Cage.

01:07:29.000 Who, he was arguing against that?

01:07:30.000 He loved it.

01:07:31.000 And I fucking convinced him. 0.98

01:07:32.000 But it was a fun, friendly, to watch him go like, oh, oh, like to see him give in. 0.98

01:07:39.000 It was one of my favorite moments of all time in that, just to see this, because he was such a giant of a guy intellectually. 0.81

01:07:47.000 The greatest mistake people could make with Patrice was to think, ah, he's a big, loud black guy. 0.98

01:07:51.000 Patrice was a brilliant motherfucker and could out-talk almost anybody and could out-logic almost. 0.99

01:07:58.000 So when you had moments like that, it was friendly. 0.99

01:08:01.000 It wasn't like an aggressive argument.

01:08:03.000 You're like, ah, that just was one of the most satisfying moments of my career.

01:08:06.000 Yeah, well, it's the opportunity to be around fun people like that, the rare human beings that you don't necessarily come across.

01:08:14.000 If you have a regular job, if you're working as an insurance salesman, how many Patrice O'Neill's do you come across in your life that you get to hang out with for hours?

01:08:22.000 No, just probably calling because they're late on their payments.

01:08:24.000 Quite a few, I think.

01:08:26.000 One more thing, by the way, before I forget, I wanted to say about Opie, too, about Homeless.

01:08:31.000 He's the one, not that it matters, but he's the guy that pushed Homeless Mustard through, Daniel Mustard, and tried to get him a recording contract and really tried to take care of the guy.

01:08:40.000 That's that guy who sang that song, Creep?

01:08:41.000 Creep.

01:08:42.000 That guy's really talented.

01:08:43.000 He is talented.

01:08:44.000 But it's like...

01:08:45.000 And Opie took a real concern with him and his sobriety.

01:08:47.000 And again, I'm not saying people don't...

01:08:49.000 I'm not trying to say don't be mad.

01:08:50.000 Be mad.

01:08:51.000 But again, don't think you understand the totality of a guy because he did one silly thing in a different context to make his radio guys and some fans laugh. 0.99

01:08:59.000 You're so good at breaking shit down, dude. 0.99

01:09:02.000 You said that. 0.99

01:09:03.000 There was not a hint of bias there.

01:09:05.000 You were being completely honest about it.

01:09:07.000 That's...

01:09:07.000 I really value that in the way you talk.

01:09:10.000 And that's why I was really happy...

01:09:13.000 When I watched that Kamau Bell show.

01:09:16.000 M. Kamau Bell.

01:09:18.000 Totally biased.

01:09:20.000 Kamau Bell, yeah.

01:09:21.000 W. Kamau Bell.

01:09:23.000 W. Kamau Bell.

01:09:24.000 You and Lindy West, who's a feminist blogger for Jezebel, which is a feminist blogger.

01:09:31.000 Website.

01:09:32.000 And what I loved about it, man, was first of all, you never got upset.

01:09:35.000 You were rational and logical, and you were talking about it in a very measured way, and you're being really friendly while you're discussing this. 0.91

01:09:46.000 And, you know, in her defense, it's a very tricky subject to breach for a woman, and she was saying a lot of shit like comedy clubs are filled with rooms filled with angry men, and you didn't even flinch. 0.99

01:09:59.000 You didn't go after her. 1.00

01:10:01.000 She had these digs about, like, you're allowed to joke about it, but I'm allowed to tell you you're a dick. 0.99

01:10:07.000 Yeah, I didn't think it personally. 0.99

01:10:09.000 Exactly.

01:10:10.000 The blog wasn't about me. 0.98

01:10:11.000 It was about any guy making a dick joke. 0.99

01:10:14.000 Or a rape joke. 1.00

01:10:15.000 Or certain rape jokes.

01:10:16.000 And this is the tricky part of Lindy West, because a lot of people would say, she's for censorship, but she really wasn't.

01:10:21.000 She was about, she didn't like the jokes that she thought minimalized the victim in a rape.

01:10:26.000 Right.

01:10:26.000 Now, it's hard to logically say, well, yeah, minimalizing the victim of rape is a good thing.

01:10:31.000 But what people forget, they went after Sam Murrell.

01:10:34.000 A lot of jokes are just misdirectional.

01:10:36.000 Who's Sam Murrell?

01:10:36.000 He's a comedian in New York who had done some domestic violence jokes or whatever.

01:10:40.000 But in a misdirection joke...

01:10:43.000 You go for the most obvious or opposite thing.

01:10:48.000 That people are going to expect.

01:10:50.000 Yeah.

01:10:50.000 Sometimes, like I did one joke, and this didn't come up in that show, but I was talking about seeing it a girl.

01:10:56.000 Now, I don't know if she had a good time or was raped in a porta potty. 1.00

01:10:59.000 I'm not going to go through the whole joke before, but it was at a concert, an outdoor concert. 0.65

01:11:03.000 So the two most opposite things I could think of... 0.99

01:11:07.000 If I said I didn't know if she had a good time or not a very good time, who gives a shit? 1.00

01:11:11.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:11:12.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:11:12.000 Raped in a port-a-potty... 1.00

01:11:13.000 You're painting a picture. 0.98

01:11:15.000 Yeah.

01:11:15.000 If I said I didn't know if she was beaten in a port-a-potty or raped in a port-a-potty, nobody would have laughed because they're too close.

01:11:20.000 So the fact...

01:11:20.000 I mean, I'm explaining this to the audience, not to you.

01:11:22.000 Yes, right.

01:11:23.000 The fact that you take two things that are such polar opposites...

01:11:26.000 Sometimes the polar opposite you land on for the joke is a horrible thing that minimalizes the victim.

01:11:31.000 And every Catholic priest joke is somehow minimalizing the victim.

01:11:36.000 Comedy does that, and I don't believe that it has to just be speaking truth to power.

01:11:40.000 I think that's part of it.

01:11:41.000 But I think that as long as your intention is genuinely to be funny and not to humiliate a person for real, I think it's allowable, and it has to be, because it gets to be too subjective after that.

01:11:52.000 Well, it's an art form.

01:11:53.000 And if you don't like that art form, I completely and totally understand that.

01:11:57.000 You don't have to participate in the shows.

01:12:00.000 You don't have to go.

01:12:00.000 But when you're being hypercritical about it and trying to get people to stop doing it, you're going to make it so that that art form is not available.

01:12:09.000 The really fucked up thing that you don't mean art form is not available. 0.63

01:12:13.000 Just like rap music. 0.94

01:12:15.000 What is going on in rap music?

01:12:16.000 Are they really running around killing people and selling cocaine every day? 0.99

01:12:19.000 No, most of what they're doing is talking shit about something. 0.99

01:12:22.000 It's no different than the movie Scarface. 0.99

01:12:25.000 Nobody really died in that movie.

01:12:27.000 You're painting a picture.

01:12:29.000 It's a gross, horrific picture.

01:12:31.000 But some people like that.

01:12:32.000 They like to watch Scarface.

01:12:34.000 They like to listen to rap music. 1.00

01:12:36.000 They want to hear a dirty comic say horrendous, inappropriate things that are fucked up. 0.99

01:12:40.000 One of my favorites is Otto. 0.99

01:12:43.000 Otto and George. 1.00

01:12:43.000 He would say some of the most fucked up, ridiculous, over-the-top shit. 1.00

01:12:48.000 But the reason why he did it is because that's what chocks the shit out of you and makes you laugh when you least expect it. 1.00

01:12:54.000 And it was well-crafted on top of that.

01:12:57.000 He made me laugh harder than anybody's ever made me laugh in a club we were doing in a pizzeria in Pennsylvania.

01:13:01.000 And he said something.

01:13:02.000 It was barbarism.

01:13:04.000 And it made me...

01:13:05.000 Because the imagery was such poetry that he flew off the top with.

01:13:12.000 And it was awful.

01:13:14.000 Have I ever told you this story?

01:13:15.000 No.

01:13:16.000 If I say it now, it's not going to be the greatest joke.

01:13:19.000 But the beauty of it...

01:13:20.000 We were in a pizzeria.

01:13:21.000 It was an awful gig.

01:13:24.000 And it was like real pizzeria bench seats. 0.71

01:13:29.000 It stunk.

01:13:30.000 Right.

01:13:30.000 And there was a bar next to it and I'm watching it.

01:13:33.000 I was just up there fucking struggling and hating it. 0.98

01:13:36.000 And in the middle of this dirty act, the booker's girlfriend walks down the aisle with her seven-year-old son, which was so inappropriate. 0.99

01:13:45.000 And everybody looked and it just derails the show. 0.99

01:13:48.000 And Otto just said, you know, because everyone looked at this, so the fucking puppet addressed it. 1.00

01:13:56.000 Right. 0.99

01:13:57.000 And said, isn't that cute? 1.00

01:14:01.000 I'd like to grab him by the ankles and smash his skull onto a fucking sink. 1.00

01:14:05.000 And it was a Caligula reference to the end of Caligula. 1.00

01:14:09.000 And it made me – the speed at which he put those words together and the violence attached to that and the imagery of that, I've never laughed hard at anything anybody's ever said in a comedy club because I knew what had just happened. 0.96

01:14:24.000 I immediately saw the end of Caligula where they grabbed the ankles and they smashed the fucking head into the steps.

01:14:30.000 And I'm like, the genius to pull that out in this moment and word it that quickly. 0.98

01:14:35.000 It was beauty.

01:14:37.000 It was beauty, but it was a horrible thing.

01:14:39.000 And nobody laughed!

01:14:41.000 Of course they didn't!

01:14:43.000 This is a Philly pizzeria.

01:14:45.000 Nobody understood how funny that was.

01:14:48.000 Because if he had just said that and I hadn't seen Caligula, I might not have laughed as hard, but the fact that I immediately saw what he did with it, I wanted to hug him for that.

01:14:57.000 I'm like, you brilliant, brilliant guy. 0.99

01:14:59.000 He's a brilliant fuck, man. 0.99

01:15:01.000 He's a very funny guy. 1.00

01:15:02.000 And his style of comedy, much like Dice's style of comedy, is ridiculous, over-the-top, things they don't really mean. 0.70

01:15:10.000 Like, Dice has some bit about how a woman gets pregnant, and it's one of the most hilarious, ridiculous bits, because it goes into, like, this medical, or how you can make a gay kid. 0.95

01:15:22.000 Like, how, you know, like... 0.99

01:15:23.000 It's so fucking ridiculous! 1.00

01:15:25.000 It's idiocy! 1.00

01:15:26.000 It's completely, but it's hilarious. 1.00

01:15:28.000 And for people to say that that's a homophobic joke or that's like...

01:15:31.000 He doesn't mean a word he's saying.

01:15:34.000 Do you understand that this is like an art piece that you're watching? 0.97

01:15:37.000 This is just a ridiculous, over-the-top art piece. 0.93

01:15:41.000 And for you to say that it's not... 0.98

01:15:43.000 For you to say that I shouldn't be enjoying it...

01:15:46.000 Well, then we have to go with a fine-tooth comb over virtually all of pop culture.

01:15:50.000 Every song.

01:15:51.000 We have to find out what the true meaning behind movies are.

01:15:55.000 What's the implication on society?

01:15:57.000 Because it can't just be humor. 0.93

01:15:59.000 It's a dumb way of looking at it because you know it's a joke. 1.00

01:16:04.000 If it's a stand-up comedy show, you know it's a fucking joke! 1.00

01:16:08.000 At least in that sense, there's no excuse. 0.98

01:16:11.000 With a rap music, with a rap song, like, no, it's not a joke.

01:16:14.000 Maybe he's being serious.

01:16:15.000 With a movie, maybe they're trying to promote that lifestyle.

01:16:17.000 Maybe that's real.

01:16:18.000 It's a stand-up comedy show.

01:16:20.000 The only reason why people are laughing is because it's a joke.

01:16:24.000 Well, people do know that, but it's unfunny people attempting to influence.

01:16:27.000 It's just people trying to influence what you say.

01:16:29.000 It's like the same mentality.

01:16:30.000 And I don't mean individually.

01:16:32.000 Like, let's just say the same mentality.

01:16:34.000 That would target dice or that would say you should get in trouble for a gay joke are the exact same people who would stand up and defend Mapplethorpe. 0.98

01:16:43.000 They're the same people who would defend Piss Christ and say that the National Endowment of the Arts should have paid for Piss Christ because who cares?

01:16:50.000 Tell people what that is.

01:16:52.000 The NEA, I think, paid for it.

01:16:53.000 It was an artist who pissed into a jar and he put a crucifix in it and he called it Piss Christ.

01:16:57.000 Now, I don't think that that's particularly clever, but it doesn't offend me on any level.

01:17:01.000 And here's more inconsistency.

01:17:03.000 I thought it was...

01:17:04.000 Clever.

01:17:04.000 Yeah, I mean, it was, you know, look, I wouldn't mind if, I wish I would have thought of that.

01:17:07.000 I mean, I just, I couldn't fill a jar with my piss.

01:17:09.000 It would have been like, you know.

01:17:10.000 Took weeks.

01:17:11.000 Yeah, it really would.

01:17:12.000 It's a big jar, too.

01:17:13.000 It's very impressive.

01:17:14.000 Yeah, it's a very, it's a two kegger.

01:17:15.000 But the fact that they support that, and they're the same people.

01:17:19.000 I don't know.

01:17:37.000 Well, that comic is insensitive, and he's saying something racially insensitive or gender insensitive, and he should be attacked. 0.98

01:17:43.000 It's inconsistent, so you can't fucking respect it. 0.97

01:17:46.000 You can't acknowledge any of it with respect. 0.99

01:17:47.000 People have to leave room for art, and that sounds ridiculous when you're talking about dick jokes. 0.98

01:17:53.000 Or any kind of jokes. 0.95

01:17:55.000 But you have to leave room for art, because that's what it is.

01:17:57.000 It's just an art.

01:17:58.000 And if you don't appreciate that style of art, it's no different than you deciding to go to a Metallica show and not liking the lyrics.

01:18:04.000 If you don't like it, you don't have to like it.

01:18:06.000 Jody Mitchell's playing down the block.

01:18:08.000 Go see that.

01:18:09.000 Go see Sheryl Crow or go see Dave Matthews.

01:18:12.000 There's a lot of variety out there.

01:18:13.000 But at the end of the day, it's something that someone creates. 0.97

01:18:16.000 And when Otto says, you know, I'd like to pick him up by his fucking ankles and slam his head into a sink, and you're laughing, that means he delivered art to the person who likes that art. 0.88

01:18:27.000 And I feel the same way when I see, like when I saw Dice, or when I saw you in Austin, same feeling. 0.99

01:18:33.000 I enjoy ridiculous, over-the-top humor.

01:18:36.000 It's one of my favorite things to watch. 0.99

01:18:39.000 So when someone comes along and says, you can't do jokes about violence against children because it's fucked up, yes you can. 0.99

01:18:45.000 Yes you can. 0.99

01:18:46.000 You can. 0.75

01:18:46.000 Even if your kid had been killed. 0.75

01:18:48.000 Well, unfortunately for you, this one hit home.

01:18:51.000 And it's not fun to you.

01:18:52.000 But everybody else who doesn't have a kid that was killed by slamming their head into a sink, it becomes fun for them.

01:18:57.000 And it sucks, but you can't just stop the art form because it's going to hit you.

01:19:02.000 And that's one of the things that came up in that conversation with Lindy.

01:19:05.000 Lindy?

01:19:05.000 Lindy West?

01:19:06.000 Lindy West, yeah.

01:19:07.000 One of the things that came up in the conversation with her was that she was talking about rape jokes, and meanwhile she had a photo on her Twitter of Jeff Goldblum, who was in Death Wish.

01:19:20.000 He enacted a really horrific rape scene. 0.93

01:19:25.000 A barbaric rape scene, yeah. 1.00

01:19:26.000 Scary, terrifying, no joke. 0.86

01:19:28.000 There was no jokes involved.

01:19:30.000 There was no hee-hee-ha-ha, no double entendres.

01:19:32.000 And yet, an actor doing that in that piece of art, somehow or another, is exonerated from the impact.

01:19:39.000 And this idea that you should know that one-third of the audience, I think, is the current thing they're enjoying banding about.

01:19:47.000 When people talk about, I shouldn't say they're enjoying, I don't want to dismiss it, but the people who really believe this believe that one third of all women have been either sexually assaulted or raped and there's people that dispute that and there's a lot of it is based on a certain study from I believe it was 1987 and there's a lot of Questions that are very controversial in that study.

01:20:08.000 Like they'd say, if you ever had sex with someone and then regretted it, or we were coerced into having sex, and things along those lines.

01:20:16.000 They called all of those rape.

01:20:17.000 And so then, I think their findings was like one in five, but now people are saying it's one in three. 0.99

01:20:23.000 Whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

01:20:24.000 The idea that you have to censor yourself because of the... 1.00

01:20:28.000 You can choose to.

01:20:30.000 You can choose to if that's your style of comedy.

01:20:32.000 You can choose to.

01:20:34.000 But for you to get mad at someone who doesn't choose to, it's like, ooh, this is a slippery slope.

01:20:39.000 And I know people don't think it's a slippery slope because you think it's all just about protecting people's feelings, especially victims' feelings.

01:20:46.000 And I see your point.

01:20:48.000 But... 0.99

01:20:48.000 At the end of the day, we're gonna have to go over this whole motherfucker with a fine-tooth comb if you want to do that. 0.99

01:20:55.000 You can't just single out stand-up comedy because it's coming from one person and not a giant movie where a woman gets assaulted and beaten or raped or whatever. 0.98

01:21:02.000 I mean, all of it has to be looked at.

01:21:05.000 You have to look at the whole thing.

01:21:06.000 See, and I also feel like I give myself the same credit I give the audience.

01:21:10.000 Like, I really do.

01:21:11.000 And it's like we all say we want to just treat people like you want to be treated.

01:21:14.000 Well, I treat the audience with the same level of intellectual respect that I want.

01:21:18.000 And I went and saw Joan Rivers, and it's the edgiest set I've ever seen a comic do.

01:21:23.000 And I mean, this was a few years ago at the Cutting Room in New York.

01:21:26.000 She's doing 9-11 jokes. 1.00

01:21:27.000 I mean, fucking bullshit. 1.00

01:21:30.000 Brutal! 1.00

01:21:31.000 And I literally wanted to cry at the end of it because I'm like, that is what we should be doing.

01:21:38.000 It is taking everything horrible that we experience, and I mean horrible, and making a room full of people laugh about it.

01:21:46.000 And when we walked out of there, my feelings about 9-11 had not changed, my feelings about rape, my feelings about AIDS. Not one thing she said made me value those real experiences less.

01:21:56.000 Not one thing she said made me devalue anything, made me lose respect for the horror of 9-11.

01:22:02.000 Nothing changed for me other than I was able to temporarily laugh at something that I knew was awful.

01:22:07.000 So why wouldn't I give my audience the same credit for being able to come to the conclusion I came to watching Joan Rivers?

01:22:13.000 Well, to take their argument, it would be because you haven't been raped, you haven't been murdered, you didn't lose loved ones in 9-11, and that what you should be doing by omitting rape jokes is you should be avoiding triggers, PTSD triggers,

01:22:29.000 avoiding people freaking out and thinking about their rape while they're at a comedy show, just trying to have a good time.

01:22:34.000 And so their opinion is set up entirely to protect the victims of these crimes.

01:22:39.000 It's not like a person like you has A certain sensibility about 9-11.

01:22:43.000 Joan Rivers defies that sensibility but does it in a humorous way and you walk away with the same opinions that you had going in.

01:22:49.000 Because that's not really what you're dealing with.

01:22:51.000 What you're dealing with is a victimization crime.

01:22:53.000 A crime where someone's been dehumanized and them being in the audience watching you talk about that.

01:22:58.000 You should be more sensitive than that.

01:23:00.000 So that's their argument.

01:23:01.000 I think it's a very good argument in a lot of ways.

01:23:03.000 My point back to them would be, I do understand that, but like I said, whenever I talk about Tiger Woods' text messages, I reveal my own.

01:23:10.000 I talk about my own.

01:23:11.000 I also talk about things that have injured me.

01:23:14.000 I talk about my own suicide attempts, my own sexual proclivity.

01:23:17.000 So I include...

01:23:19.000 Well, you do.

01:23:19.000 You certainly do.

01:23:20.000 Everything horrible and things that have affected me and things that haven't.

01:23:25.000 It's not like I exclude things.

01:23:27.000 And if you break down humor like that, like you said, fine-tooth comb, every single joke or 90% of the jokes you do, unless you're talking about balloons or bouncing a ball, have hurt somebody.

01:23:39.000 Well, you talk about, oh my god, was I drunk driving?

01:23:42.000 Oh my god.

01:23:43.000 Children being killed by drunk driving is not funny.

01:23:45.000 If we get that literal with humor, then Almost all jokes comics tell are going to be up for a careful examination.

01:23:55.000 I think Matt and Trey said it's either all okay or none of it's okay. 0.96

01:23:58.000 I won't make pedophile jokes when Kevin fucking Bacon can't play him in The Woodsman. 0.98

01:24:03.000 I won't do gun jokes when fucking Hollywood can't tell me how bad guns are and then they make a movie called Two Guns, which I have no objection to. 1.00

01:24:11.000 But then don't fucking preach to me about guns, motherfuckers. 1.00

01:24:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:14.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:24:15.000 It's like, I don't care what you do as an artist, leave me alone as an artist.

01:24:19.000 I don't tell you what to do, don't tell me what to do.

01:24:20.000 That's all it is.

01:24:21.000 No, your point is dead on.

01:24:24.000 And it's a very important point, the idea of censorship.

01:24:28.000 I can understand that people don't want someone in the audience to be impacted negatively about you making light of something that's a horrific crime that they've suffered from personally.

01:24:39.000 But that doesn't mean you should stop.

01:24:42.000 Okay? 0.99

01:24:42.000 And it doesn't mean that you're a dick, either. 0.99

01:24:44.000 What it means is, you're saying something that hits them personally. 0.98

01:24:48.000 And, you know, then maybe you shouldn't go see Jim Norton. 0.96

01:24:51.000 And that sounds like a fucked up thing to say, but really that's the reality of the situation. 0.88

01:24:56.000 What you're doing is a style of art. 0.95

01:24:59.000 People who don't want to be scared, don't go see The Conjuring or The Evil Dead because they don't like, I don't like horror movies.

01:25:04.000 How come nobody's trying to stop horror movies?

01:25:06.000 People that don't like them, don't go to see them.

01:25:09.000 Right.

01:25:09.000 So the same way should be with certain types of humor.

01:25:12.000 And when you break it down, what's the worst that can happen if you see something?

01:25:17.000 Am I going to talk about something that they don't show on Law& Order constantly? 1.00

01:25:21.000 Jesus, the whole thing's a fucking rape-murder fest. 1.00

01:25:23.000 Everything people like is a rape or a murder or some kind of voyeurism. 1.00

01:25:27.000 And I will acknowledge and honor people's abhorrence to violence when there's an accident in the southbound lane and the traffic in my lane doesn't slow down.

01:25:39.000 People slow down to look because they want to see it.

01:25:42.000 They want to fucking see it on some level, but they don't admit they want to see it. 0.97

01:25:46.000 And I hate their lack of admission. 0.99

01:25:47.000 Well, there's a weird exclusion thing, too, if you're discussing rape and you're not discussing murder. 0.99

01:25:54.000 If you have anything that involves rape in a tweet or something, you're a piece of shit, or you should have had a trigger warning in there. 0.99

01:26:04.000 This is the attitude that a lot of people are taking about this stuff. 1.00

01:26:06.000 But why doesn't anybody have the same issues about murders?

01:26:10.000 You can talk about a murder.

01:26:12.000 You can talk about...

01:26:15.000 It's very rare that people get upset at murder jokes or murder movies or anything murder.

01:26:20.000 But there was an Obama thing recently where Obama said that he could have been Trayvon Martin.

01:26:27.000 And I said, you know who else he could have been?

01:26:29.000 He could have been a little kid that got killed by drones.

01:26:32.000 Right.

01:26:33.000 I mean, it's not really a joke per se, but it's kind of like mocking him. 0.99

01:26:39.000 It's mocking the idiocy of this, but it's also bringing up murder. 0.99

01:26:44.000 It's bringing up people getting hit with missiles and their bodies exploding. 0.99

01:26:48.000 Why is that image any less disturbing than the image of rape?

01:26:53.000 Are they equally disturbing?

01:26:54.000 Are they both off the menu?

01:26:56.000 Or why are we only going with rape off the menu? 0.86

01:26:58.000 How come...

01:26:59.000 There's like zero push to take murder off the menu.

01:27:01.000 Their argument would be, and again, this is what they would say, is because rape, murder victims, you're not taught to be silent about murder.

01:27:10.000 You're taught to be silent about rape.

01:27:12.000 And there's a lot of rape victims who are too scared to report the crime.

01:27:15.000 No one is scared to report a murder, unless it's a mob thing.

01:27:18.000 They're saying the perception of the crime is different and there's such a shame with it where there's not a shame with murder, there's not a shame with these other things.

01:27:26.000 And again, I heard what she said and I listened to it and I did get it, but I don't do a whole shitload of jokes on rape victims anyway. 0.98

01:27:37.000 But if that's the case, and it probably is the case, then be for castration of rapists. 1.00

01:27:43.000 Or fight the fact that the recidivism rate is so high in these fucking pigs because they're being let out of jail. 1.00

01:27:49.000 Like, fight that! 1.00

01:27:50.000 Don't worry about what dumb... 1.00

01:27:51.000 Contributing to a fucking rape culture is nonsense, and to say a comedian contributes to rape culture is simply bullshit, and it's simplistic thinking. 1.00

01:28:00.000 It's a way of saying, I don't like what you're saying, and I don't want you to say it, But I can't come out with that, so I have to find a higher reason which makes it sound like you shouldn't say it for this reason. 1.00

01:28:11.000 Well, even the term rape culture, you know, someone on my message board said, do they have like meetings?

01:28:16.000 Do they have a magazine?

01:28:17.000 Like, is it really a culture?

01:28:19.000 Like, what are you talking about?

01:28:20.000 And by calling it that, by defining it in those terms...

01:28:24.000 Calling it rape culture. 1.00

01:28:26.000 When you put quotes around that, it starts to be real.

01:28:29.000 And I don't mean that it's going to encourage people to rape, but I mean the idea that there's a culture that supports rape is going to be real.

01:28:36.000 It's going to be something that people address as if it's real, regardless of whether or not it is.

01:28:42.000 Is it real that people rape?

01:28:43.000 Absolutely.

01:28:44.000 But is it real that our culture supports it? 1.00

01:28:46.000 Fuck no, man. 1.00

01:28:47.000 Most people have moms. 1.00

01:28:49.000 Most people have sisters. 0.99

01:28:50.000 What we have a problem with in this country is a lot of people are making shitty human beings. 1.00

01:28:56.000 There's a lot of terrible fucking parents who are doing a shitty job. 1.00

01:28:59.000 And they're making shitty human beings. 1.00

01:29:01.000 And they're also raising these shitty human rings around a bunch of other kids that were created by shitty human beings. 1.00

01:29:07.000 And they don't know what the fuck they're doing either. 1.00

01:29:08.000 And no one's paying attention to their kids. 0.98

01:29:10.000 Making a human being and raising a human being is a massive undertaking.

01:29:15.000 And all the people out there that are doing their best, I commend you and congratulate you.

01:29:20.000 All the parents out there that are taking their kid to wrestling classes and martial arts and their daughter to dance classes or martial arts if she wants to do it or anything.

01:29:28.000 Where you're getting them involved in activities, building discipline in them, developing their character.

01:29:34.000 Most people don't get that in this life.

01:29:45.000 Right.

01:29:52.000 And we figure it out by friendships.

01:29:53.000 And we figure it out by meeting people in life and learning from them. 0.98

01:29:57.000 But we're doing a real shit job of raising kids right out of the box. 0.91

01:30:01.000 And so you come into life with a deficit. 1.00

01:30:04.000 And that deficit manifests itself in a bunch of shitty fucking behavior. 1.00

01:30:08.000 Whether it's violence or whether it's rape, whether it's stealing, whether it's plagiarism. 1.00

01:30:14.000 Whether it's taking advantage of people in any way.

01:30:19.000 Like, what are you doing?

01:30:20.000 Like, why are you doing that? 1.00

01:30:21.000 Why are you being such a shitty human being? 0.99

01:30:23.000 And that's what is not emphasized enough in our culture. 1.00

01:30:27.000 It's not just about making money.

01:30:29.000 It's not about getting ahead.

01:30:30.000 It's about cultivating good friendships and a happy life.

01:30:34.000 And the only way you could do that is to be nice. 1.00

01:30:36.000 Those motherfuckers that are ruthless businessmen, those guys are all depressed. 1.00

01:30:41.000 They're all a bunch of fucking crazy assholes, taking Ambien to go to sleep, abusing hookers. 1.00

01:30:47.000 But, hey, easy. 1.00

01:30:48.000 You know what I'm talking about? 1.00

01:30:50.000 Most of them need their throats cut. 1.00

01:30:51.000 Like, honestly, I think that would change a little bit if we dragged a few of those business guys, not all of them, but a few of them into the street and killed them in the street. 1.00

01:30:57.000 I think that they would stop stealing people's money. 0.98

01:30:59.000 Yeah, there's a certain...

01:31:00.000 Do I have time to piss? 0.69

01:31:01.000 I'm going to piss my pants. 1.00

01:31:02.000 Yeah, yeah, go piss your pants. 1.00

01:31:02.000 Go piss out of your pants. 1.00

01:31:04.000 Yeah, I'll be right back. 0.99

01:31:05.000 Those radio guys aren't used to doing the commercials and stuff. 0.99

01:31:08.000 Yeah, these pussies. 1.00

01:31:09.000 You little 15-minute radio bladder. 0.99

01:31:12.000 Yeah, we're used to holding it for three hours while drinking C2O coconut juice.

01:31:16.000 That's right, C2O coconut juice.

01:31:18.000 People say, Joe Rogan, why do you drink C2O? I'll tell you why.

01:31:21.000 This is not a commercial.

01:31:22.000 They don't pay me anything, but they send me coconut juice.

01:31:24.000 It's really good because it's from Thai coconuts. 0.99

01:31:26.000 A lot of you have had coconut juice, and you're like, oh my god, this stuff tastes like ass. 0.99

01:31:29.000 You're right. 1.00

01:31:30.000 A lot of it tastes like ass. 1.00

01:31:31.000 Thai coconuts, a different animal. 1.00

01:31:33.000 It's short.

01:31:33.000 It's only like five feet tall, and it grows, and it's almost like a bush.

01:31:38.000 It's a totally different thing.

01:31:39.000 You know, you think of those long, tall ones, the coconuts at the top.

01:31:42.000 Those aren't so good.

01:31:43.000 But the Thai coconuts, oh, it's like sweet.

01:31:46.000 Oh, yeah.

01:31:47.000 It's so great, too, like if you're hungover, or when you wake up in the morning, you're just dehydrated to chug that.

01:31:53.000 Yeah.

01:31:53.000 Yeah, I found out from my friend Edwin at Jiu Jitsu.

01:31:55.000 He came in and brought a case of this shit and started handing it out to people. 0.98

01:31:58.000 And I go, what is this? 1.00

01:32:00.000 I'd never had it.

01:32:01.000 I'd had coconut juice and it was gross. 1.00

01:32:03.000 But you know what's the best shit? 1.00

01:32:05.000 Right out of a coconut. 1.00

01:32:07.000 Yeah, that's my thing where they chop off the top and you have a little straw. 1.00

01:32:09.000 Ooh, that's so good.

01:32:10.000 And you eat a little of the skin that's in there. 0.69

01:32:12.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:32:13.000 Scoop it out with a spoon.

01:32:14.000 That's the best. 1.00

01:32:14.000 If you can just hack the top off of a delicious coconut and get a straw in that bitch. 1.00

01:32:18.000 Right. 1.00

01:32:19.000 You know what's weird?

01:32:21.000 I think we talked about this last podcast, and we briefly talked about it today.

01:32:26.000 I just found out the blue cigarettes, the one that we always talk about with that one dude in it, the sexy guy that's smoking a fake cigarette, Stephen Dorff.

01:32:34.000 That company, Blue, is owned by the third largest tobacco company.

01:32:39.000 Oh, there you go.

01:32:40.000 And then the second largest just bought a new company, and that's what their thing is now.

01:32:45.000 That's the way they're hit...

01:32:46.000 Hooking the kids on nicotine now.

01:32:48.000 We have these fake cigarettes with the cool blue lights and we're making them flavored so they taste like watermelons.

01:32:54.000 So now that's how they're getting you again.

01:32:57.000 And then they're making it better now.

01:32:59.000 The kids are...

01:32:59.000 I know somebody that just got one of these cigarettes.

01:33:01.000 She's like, I quit smoking.

01:33:03.000 I'm like, oh, that's great.

01:33:04.000 And I was like, what do you got?

01:33:05.000 Well, I got one of these electronic cigarettes.

01:33:07.000 She sat there.

01:33:08.000 I watched her for probably like five hours.

01:33:10.000 Non-stop. 0.96

01:33:11.000 Just sucking on that thing like it was air.

01:33:13.000 How about those batteries?

01:33:15.000 That's pretty impressive.

01:33:15.000 Yeah, those batteries last pretty well.

01:33:17.000 They're rechargeable, and they even have little USB plugs, so they seem like a cool technology toy.

01:33:22.000 Yeah, they have a box.

01:33:23.000 I've seen them.

01:33:23.000 They have a metal box or a plastic box that they charge it in.

01:33:27.000 Some of them.

01:33:28.000 The one I have actually has this thing you just hook up.

01:33:31.000 It has a USB cable.

01:33:34.000 The Jenny McCarthy one that she's pitching, she's got the opposite of the Stephen Dorff commercial. 0.67

01:33:38.000 What are we doing? 1.00

01:33:39.000 We're doing blue commercials for these fucking people. 1.00

01:33:41.000 How was the gathering of the Juggalos? 1.00

01:33:43.000 Did anything crazy happen when...

01:33:45.000 No, it's funny.

01:33:46.000 Those guys from ICP have been really nice to me.

01:33:49.000 I was hesitant to do that gig.

01:33:51.000 Because I hear it's like, you know, you're in the woods.

01:33:54.000 Oh, yeah.

01:33:54.000 I have never watched this.

01:33:55.000 I can't watch myself.

01:33:56.000 What was this?

01:33:57.000 This is a TV show, right?

01:33:58.000 This is their show on Fuse.

01:34:00.000 I was one of the first interviews they've done.

01:34:01.000 What's their show on Fuse?

01:34:02.000 What is it?

01:34:02.000 Where they just watch videos and kind of mock them.

01:34:04.000 It's like a Beavis and Butthead thing.

01:34:06.000 They smushed you in between them.

01:34:07.000 This is uncomfortably close.

01:34:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:34:09.000 That's part of it.

01:34:10.000 I think I was one of the first interviews they ever did.

01:34:13.000 Why do they want to touch you like that while they're sitting there?

01:34:15.000 I don't know.

01:34:15.000 I think it was just for camera framing.

01:34:17.000 What a shitty job of camera framing. 0.99

01:34:19.000 Yeah, they just block us all in there. 0.99

01:34:20.000 That's ridiculous. 0.95

01:34:21.000 That's like... 0.98

01:34:21.000 Who's doing it? 0.98

01:34:23.000 Their cousin?

01:34:23.000 I think that they just like the uncomfortability of it.

01:34:26.000 The fact that it just looks weird.

01:34:27.000 Yeah.

01:34:28.000 But the Gather...

01:34:28.000 Can I... The Gathering of the Juggalos was...

01:34:31.000 The travel to it is an abomination.

01:34:34.000 But it was a really good gig.

01:34:36.000 There's like 700 people in a tent.

01:34:38.000 I mean, they were nice.

01:34:39.000 They were a little bit chatty, but nowhere near what you'd expect at an outdoor festival gig.

01:34:45.000 I loved it. 0.94

01:34:45.000 And they were all fucking nice. 0.94

01:34:49.000 One of my favorite porn girls was there because she's a big fan of them. 0.98

01:34:52.000 Who's your favorite porn girl? 0.76

01:34:53.000 She's one of them. 0.96

01:34:54.000 Her name is Pepper Kester. 0.99

01:34:55.000 You go deep.

01:34:56.000 You like Pepper Kester?

01:34:57.000 She goes deep to the bottom of the obscure porn stars of the redhead, right? 1.00

01:35:00.000 Yeah, really big pussy lips. 1.00

01:35:01.000 I want to wear her pussy on my fucking nose. 1.00

01:35:06.000 And she was there? 1.00

01:35:07.000 She's a big fan of them, yeah.

01:35:09.000 So that was the highlight for me.

01:35:10.000 Did you get her backstage?

01:35:11.000 We're friends, no.

01:35:12.000 We don't do anything. 1.00

01:35:13.000 But I understand that she does mostly lesbian porn. 1.00

01:35:16.000 I have no shot at fucking her. 1.00

01:35:17.000 But I genuinely like her. 0.99

01:35:20.000 She's cool.

01:35:22.000 And she doesn't mind you beating off thinking about her.

01:35:24.000 Oh no, she's fine with it.

01:35:26.000 I'm trying to work her up where I can walk behind her and beat off. 1.00

01:35:28.000 Has she been listening to ONA about you talking about her?

01:35:32.000 Has she said anything about that?

01:35:33.000 People tweet her and she's happy that we do.

01:35:36.000 But I've had dinner with her once.

01:35:37.000 Really?

01:35:38.000 Yeah, but I knew it was just going to be a hang and she was actually really nice.

01:35:40.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:35:41.000 Can I plug my special?

01:35:43.000 I've been forgetting to plug it.

01:35:44.000 Go ahead, I'm going to take a leak.

01:35:45.000 Go ahead, plug it away.

01:35:46.000 It's called American Degenerate, and it premieres on Epix on this month, August the 23rd, and yeah, I'm looking all over.

01:35:54.000 What an unprofessional.

01:35:55.000 Have a look at the camera.

01:35:56.000 Am I looking at the wrong one?

01:35:57.000 Yeah, there's the piece of it.

01:35:59.000 Oh, they're showing me talking.

01:36:00.000 Yeah.

01:36:01.000 And it's August 23rd.

01:36:02.000 It's on Epix, and if you don't have Epix, it's epixhd.com, and you can get a trial subscription.

01:36:08.000 So whether or not you want to keep Epix is up to you, but get the trial subscription online, and then you can watch it whenever you want.

01:36:15.000 But I'm actually really happy with it.

01:36:17.000 Is this something that you're going to eventually...

01:36:19.000 Do you own this so that eventually you can sell it?

01:36:22.000 I will, yeah.

01:36:23.000 But I want people to go and see it there because Epics gave me money to do it and they artistically got out of my way.

01:36:28.000 They're amazing.

01:36:29.000 For a comedian, the only thing you could do better with them as a network is just do it and shoot it yourself and put it on your own TV because they're very, very good about leaving you alone. 0.99

01:36:39.000 Which is all a comedian wants is to be left the fuck alone from a network. 0.89

01:36:43.000 I know that Sam Roberts is in town right now. 0.89

01:36:45.000 Are you guys going to Get to hook up and do anything?

01:36:47.000 I think he's coming in tonight?

01:36:49.000 I probably won't see him.

01:36:50.000 I'm just too busy. 0.99

01:36:51.000 I'm doing a bunch of shit today and a bunch of shit tomorrow. 0.99

01:36:54.000 And then I go home on Wednesday. 0.99

01:36:56.000 I'm very, very busy every day.

01:36:58.000 But I came out and I wanted to...

01:37:00.000 It'll be on Netflix in like eight months.

01:37:01.000 But I legitimately wanted to do promo for this network because they've taken good care of me. 0.99

01:37:06.000 And you don't get many people like that anymore that give you the fucking freedom. 0.79

01:37:11.000 Because every network person wants to get their hands on your business. 0.97

01:37:14.000 And they don't do that.

01:37:15.000 What, for you and your special?

01:37:16.000 For Epix, yeah.

01:37:17.000 They've been really good about it, man.

01:37:18.000 And the opening, they were a little hesitant.

01:37:20.000 I got an opening, which I was really happy.

01:37:22.000 Like, I got someone special for my opening.

01:37:24.000 And they were a little like, uh...

01:37:25.000 But, you know, it wound up working out, and they left me alone, and they were happy with it.

01:37:29.000 Who's on your opening?

01:37:30.000 I don't want to say.

01:37:31.000 I'll show it to you.

01:37:31.000 Okay, show it to me.

01:37:32.000 I have to email it to you.

01:37:33.000 It's a secret, Jimmy.

01:37:34.000 It is, and I should...

01:37:36.000 Because last year I had Ozzy do it, and Ozzy and Sharon both tweeted it.

01:37:39.000 Like, they really helped me out.

01:37:40.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:37:41.000 But this one, Jonathan, if you're listening, could you email it to me and I'll email it to Joe?

01:37:44.000 Because I have not, no one has seen it.

01:37:47.000 There's like four people that have seen it.

01:37:48.000 I don't mean like that big special secret. 0.91

01:37:50.000 Nobody gives a fuck, but I mean I just have it. 0.73

01:37:52.000 I understand you don't want to let out this secret. 0.99

01:37:53.000 You got a secret.

01:37:54.000 You crafted something.

01:37:55.000 You put together a little secret.

01:37:56.000 But I'm going to use it to promote the special. 0.98

01:37:57.000 It's nice that Epix is not fucking with you and letting you do whatever you want. 0.85

01:38:00.000 That's the only way to do it. 0.98

01:38:02.000 I've done...

01:38:03.000 I tried...

01:38:04.000 Before I ever did my first Comedy Central special...

01:38:06.000 It was on Spike first, actually, and then it was on Comedy Central.

01:38:10.000 But before that, there was a round I went where they went over some of my material.

01:38:14.000 And they were like, no, you can't say this.

01:38:16.000 No, you can't say that.

01:38:17.000 This is no good.

01:38:18.000 You can't even beep that out.

01:38:20.000 Like...

01:38:21.000 It got to be like, alright, we can't do this.

01:38:23.000 It's too frustrating to have to have all that stuff.

01:38:27.000 They didn't have any content issue.

01:38:30.000 As long as you're not slandering somebody, or libel, whichever is the spoken word, you gotta be careful.

01:38:37.000 You can't walk up and just say things that are gonna get you sued.

01:38:39.000 That's the only thing they cared.

01:38:40.000 They were fine with it.

01:38:41.000 They were very hands-off.

01:38:43.000 That's beautiful.

01:38:44.000 Yeah, it was refreshing.

01:38:45.000 Well, you know what it is, Jimmy?

01:38:46.000 I think that the same thing that we were talking about, how there's a broad spectrum of art that people like, whether it's music or movies or whatever, there's also a broad spectrum of content distribution methods.

01:39:00.000 And the one that we've all been stuck with was television.

01:39:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:39:04.000 15 minutes commercial, another 15 minutes commercial, all these fucking commercials and all these breaks and all this editing and all this censorship and all this shit they're trying to sell in between in Toyota cars and Tide fucking detergent and all this shit that they're doing, 0.99

01:39:19.000 other than the actual performance itself, then all of a sudden the internet comes along. 0.97

01:39:24.000 And then, like Louis C.K. did, you release it all, you sell it for five bucks, you watch the whole thing, it's an entirety, and then you go, why would I ever fucking do it any other way? 0.70

01:39:33.000 Why would I try to listen to a bunch of other people try to shape it, and then put sandwich commercials in it, and then censor it?

01:39:41.000 It's such a shitty way of distributing content. 0.81

01:39:44.000 Yeah, and you're right. 0.86

01:39:45.000 The only way we knew was that.

01:39:46.000 That's all we ever had.

01:39:47.000 Now there's a new way.

01:39:48.000 And Louis changed a lot of things because the networks realized that they have a certain amount of power still, but that is slipping and slipping.

01:39:55.000 I think you could do an online special if you wanted to.

01:40:00.000 I did one.

01:40:00.000 Oh, you did?

01:40:01.000 Okay.

01:40:01.000 Yeah, my last one was online.

01:40:02.000 It was totally online.

01:40:03.000 I paid for it, did it online, and then sold it to Comedy Central.

01:40:07.000 So it sold to Comedy Central now, and then I'm going to do another one.

01:40:09.000 And I'm going to do it the same way.

01:40:11.000 And it's like...

01:40:12.000 And Louie set a perfect bar, too, so nobody can get greedy.

01:40:16.000 Because Louie's top-shelf, A-plus stand-up comic, one of the greatest of our generation, without a doubt.

01:40:25.000 Between him and Rock and Chappelle, there's like four or five people that are the greatest of our generation.

01:40:29.000 So if he puts up a $5 special, that's what it costs now.

01:40:32.000 That's what it costs.

01:40:33.000 Everybody's going to do $5 now.

01:40:34.000 Because if somebody stepped up first and tried to do $20, and then everybody...

01:40:37.000 Hmm...

01:40:38.000 It would have been one of those things.

01:40:40.000 What do I price it at?

01:40:41.000 He made it super reasonable.

01:40:43.000 It wasn't just that he was the pioneer in doing the first one like this, but also that he set the bar as far as the expense.

01:40:51.000 He set it really reasonably.

01:40:53.000 I like that.

01:40:54.000 Very smart to do that.

01:40:56.000 I like that.

01:40:56.000 It's also when you cut out all the other bullshit as far as networks and commercials and putting them on the amount of production money that has to be paid off by commercials and all that jazz.

01:41:13.000 When we take all that out of the equation, it's pretty easy to get your money back.

01:41:17.000 You don't have to sell that much to get your money back, and then it becomes profitable. 0.93

01:41:20.000 Unless you're dealing with one of these fucking networks or production companies that want to sneak in a 30% distribution fee on top of everything. 0.99

01:41:28.000 They fuck so many guys doing that. 0.99

01:41:30.000 Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, you get some back-end money, but they don't tell you. 1.00

01:41:33.000 That the 30% distribution fee, which is a VIG, you're paying a VIG, comes off.

01:41:38.000 So it's like, well, we made $100, but no, we only made $70 because the 30% distribution fee comes off.

01:41:42.000 I'm like, what's it for?

01:41:43.000 Well, it's just a distribution fee. 0.99

01:41:45.000 It's a non-existent fucking thing. 0.97

01:41:47.000 So, you know, it's nice to be on my own with this one, and I own it, and Epic's is leasing it, and they were amazing about it. 0.98

01:41:54.000 Well, you're on Sirius, and you guys are on five days a week or sometimes four?

01:41:59.000 Monday through Friday, yeah.

01:41:59.000 Monday through Friday.

01:42:00.000 Now, do you ever think about doing something on your own?

01:42:03.000 Do you see, like, in the time that you're on, like, you guys were one of the first...

01:42:09.000 On Sirius Satellite Radio.

01:42:11.000 And, you know, in my opinion, like, that move that where we guys shifted over to Sirius Satellite Radio, that changed a lot of, like, people's ideas of, like, how to do a radio show.

01:42:21.000 Because between you guys and Stern, all of a sudden we heard swearing on a regular basis on a radio show.

01:42:26.000 And Brewer, Brewer's show, Brewer Unleashed.

01:42:30.000 You got to hear, like, people just hanging out.

01:42:33.000 And then I think that is what gave birth to a lot of podcasts.

01:42:36.000 Yeah.

01:42:37.000 But you don't do a podcast.

01:42:38.000 No, you know what it is?

01:42:39.000 I get 20 hours a week with those guys, and we replay all day.

01:42:43.000 I have five nights a week on Ozzy's Boneyard.

01:42:45.000 I host a music show.

01:42:47.000 Right.

01:42:49.000 Five nights a week?

01:42:50.000 You do Boneyard?

01:42:51.000 Yeah, but it's only, again, you pre-tape it, but yeah, my voice is heard five nights a week on Boneyard.

01:42:57.000 And again, the one-hour advice show, I love on Wednesday.

01:43:00.000 That's actually some of the most fun.

01:43:01.000 Thank you, man.

01:43:01.000 I love doing that.

01:43:02.000 I love that show.

01:43:02.000 But my voice is heard a lot, and I'm freed up to do my stand-up, which is what I want to do, and I have two shows that I want to get on the air.

01:43:12.000 That's my new obsession.

01:43:14.000 Talk show? 0.89

01:43:14.000 One talk show, and I have one scripted show, which I actually think is good, and I'm ultra-critical of my shit, and I always think it stinks, but I'm actually happy with this, so hopefully I'll be able to get it sold or do it online. 0.89

01:43:25.000 I'm just not big enough to do it online yet. 0.98

01:43:27.000 I hope you never leave ONA, but if you ever did leave ONA, you would have a gigantic fucking podcast. 0.98

01:43:31.000 I don't know. 0.97

01:43:32.000 I feel like I wouldn't, and I mean, maybe I would, but I feel like I would be like, I'll be afraid to do that, man.

01:43:39.000 I love interviewing people, though.

01:43:40.000 I love doing it, but...

01:43:43.000 It's that East Coast podcast, man.

01:43:45.000 They just don't trust podcasts on the East Coast.

01:43:46.000 No, I got spoiled with radio because I'm so used to doing it that way that to do it on my own.

01:43:53.000 I love your setup here.

01:43:54.000 You have a bigger studio than we do and I love the way you've got it set up and it's a great hang and it's well done.

01:43:59.000 Yeah, well, this place, I just had realized that somewhere along the line I was eventually going to have to do something.

01:44:04.000 So I found this office space and just over the course of a few months put it together.

01:44:08.000 But it's really only become functional over the last few months because for the longest time we had a terrible internet connection. 0.92

01:44:14.000 It's a pain in the dick to build something like this. 0.93

01:44:15.000 Sure, sure. 0.99

01:44:16.000 We had to get a fat pipe put in here. 1.00

01:44:18.000 So it's like 100 megabytes up and down.

01:44:20.000 It's a tremendous internet connection.

01:44:21.000 So now we can stream easy with no hiccups, download things at ridiculous speeds.

01:44:26.000 Before we were crippled with a shitty DSL connection.

01:44:29.000 There's a lot of things that go into building one of these things or hiring people to build one of these things, but it's cool to do because it's cool to make it your way.

01:44:36.000 Like, I want a brick behind me.

01:44:38.000 Okay, let's make it bricks.

01:44:39.000 I want a werewolf in the lobby.

01:44:40.000 Okay, let's get a werewolf. 0.99

01:44:41.000 I want an oak wall or oak table that's made out of 100-year-old reprocessed farm wood or reclaimed farm wood so you can do shit like that. 0.99

01:44:50.000 Because it's yours. 0.98

01:44:51.000 Yeah.

01:44:51.000 Yeah, because you don't have to go through a bunch of producers.

01:44:53.000 Like, well, what we want is the...

01:44:55.000 You see this thing behind me? 0.99

01:44:56.000 This goofy fucking thing. 0.99

01:44:57.000 I love that thing. 1.00

01:44:57.000 Yeah, this is created by producers. 1.00

01:45:00.000 I want one of these.

01:45:01.000 These things on the wall, these black things that look like a swastika. 1.00

01:45:05.000 Yeah, that shit's so weird. 1.00

01:45:06.000 They're claiming... 0.99

01:45:07.000 People are claiming that's a swastika.

01:45:09.000 I don't mind it, though.

01:45:10.000 You know what?

01:45:11.000 It doesn't hurt the room at all.

01:45:12.000 I think the whole setup here is great, man.

01:45:15.000 I would be too nervous to do my own podcast. 0.98

01:45:18.000 Oh, you're so crazy. 0.74

01:45:19.000 You'd be awesome at it. 1.00

01:45:20.000 I don't know.

01:45:21.000 I bore myself a lot.

01:45:22.000 I hate listening to myself.

01:45:24.000 Unless I'm doing Uncle Paul, then it doesn't sound like me at all.

01:45:27.000 Then I can listen to it.

01:45:28.000 Well, that is the problem with doing a lot of hours, right? 0.99

01:45:31.000 You do a lot of hours on the radio, and after a while, you're like, God damn it. 0.90

01:45:34.000 I think that sometimes we do three in a week. 0.97

01:45:37.000 We do three three-hour shows in a week.

01:45:39.000 Yeah, we have.

01:45:40.000 But after three, three is where I feel like I don't want to hear me anymore.

01:45:44.000 I'm tired of me.

01:45:46.000 Yeah, it's 20 hours a week we do.

01:45:49.000 And, you know, again, it's draining sometimes, but it's also fun.

01:45:53.000 But it's also developed your conversation skills.

01:45:55.000 And that's one of the reasons why I really enjoy you, like in that Lindy West thing.

01:46:00.000 It was a fascinating debate.

01:46:02.000 You were the perfect person for that because you're so succinct with your words.

01:46:06.000 You're so used to being involved in...

01:46:09.000 Disagreements with people where you know how to keep things civil no matter what.

01:46:14.000 One of my favorite disagreements with you was the Jesse Ventura one.

01:46:17.000 Jesse Ventura got all dicky with you and he tried to get abusive.

01:46:24.000 He put his hand on you, he tried to bully you a little bit, and you called him out on it.

01:46:29.000 It was really interesting.

01:46:30.000 Yeah, it's weird.

01:46:31.000 I'm much more likely...

01:46:32.000 You said you don't like to see weak people.

01:46:34.000 I don't like it either.

01:46:35.000 I'm much more likely to argue with a guy who could throw me through a wall.

01:46:39.000 And it's not a little man complex.

01:46:41.000 It's just...

01:46:42.000 When Paris Hilton was in, she was not a good guest. 0.99

01:46:44.000 She was a vapid jizz bag. 1.00

01:46:46.000 I hated her. 0.99

01:46:47.000 But she wasn't being vicious, and it's just too easy to attack her.

01:46:51.000 Right, right, right. 0.99

01:46:52.000 Who gives a fuck if I do? 0.99

01:46:53.000 Jesse Ventura, I did not want to have this interaction with. 0.99

01:46:56.000 I would have preferred it to be civil.

01:46:58.000 But the video does not tell the whole story.

01:47:00.000 The audio tells the whole story.

01:47:02.000 But the video, because Opie's so OCD and nuts, he didn't tape all of it.

01:47:05.000 He taped it like when it started to get heated.

01:47:07.000 But Jesse was more aggressive with me.

01:47:10.000 And, you know, when he patted me on the way out, I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me.

01:47:15.000 But again, the way for me to equal him was to pat him. 1.00

01:47:18.000 And he was fucking stupid. 1.00

01:47:24.000 No, because this happened in 2004, pal, so we're not going back that far. 1.00

01:47:29.000 You said we send our guys off to war without giving a shit, and I'm telling you, that's not true. 0.98

01:47:34.000 Yes, it is. 0.98

01:47:35.000 When did you go to war?

01:47:37.000 I've never been in the military.

01:47:38.000 There you go, so you don't know.

01:47:39.000 But I say pull them out of everything.

01:47:40.000 Because I've never been in the military, when we are attacked by, I feel, a nation, we should not...

01:47:45.000 It should be proven first.

01:47:47.000 I feel we proved it, you feel we didn't. 0.99

01:47:48.000 You also feel that fucking Bush was behind 9-11. 0.99

01:47:51.000 So we're always going to disagree. 1.00

01:47:52.000 Hey, don't put fucking words in my mouth. 0.99

01:47:55.000 You feel that the U.S. government was behind it. 0.99

01:47:57.000 How is that for me?

01:47:58.000 I didn't say that.

01:47:59.000 Who do you think is behind it?

01:48:00.000 I just said...

01:48:00.000 Our government's covering it up.

01:48:01.000 We have not been told the truth.

01:48:03.000 Do you feel that...

01:48:04.000 Well, okay, wait a minute.

01:48:05.000 All right.

01:48:06.000 If you'll calm down a moment.

01:48:07.000 You're yelling.

01:48:08.000 You said the F word.

01:48:09.000 You're the governor.

01:48:10.000 The F word.

01:48:12.000 I'm only talking your language so you'll understand.

01:48:14.000 No, you shouldn't bring it down to my level.

01:48:16.000 Bring me up to yours.

01:48:16.000 You know.

01:48:17.000 All right.

01:48:18.000 Let me answer this question.

01:48:20.000 No, I want to solve what you said about...

01:48:22.000 You know, if you're not going to let me talk, I'm out the door.

01:48:25.000 You've been talking the whole time.

01:48:26.000 All you do is yell over people and you don't want to address point by point. 1.00

01:48:29.000 You act like we say, send our boys to war, fuck them. 1.00

01:48:32.000 We've never said that. 1.00

01:48:33.000 I agree with you, but I want to pull them out of Germany. 1.00

01:48:36.000 I want to pull them everywhere.

01:48:38.000 The U.S. military should never be dying for other countries.

01:48:40.000 I don't care what happens.

01:48:42.000 I don't care if Kim Jong-il takes this out.

01:48:45.000 That's not my business.

01:48:46.000 I just think that if we are attacked, we have the right to want our military to respond. 0.99

01:48:50.000 So that's not some warmonger saying, fuck the boys, send them over. 0.99

01:48:56.000 That's what I want to address. 1.00

01:48:58.000 And he's just sitting there.

01:49:01.000 Sits and looks at Jimmy.

01:49:03.000 Why?

01:49:03.000 Awkwardly.

01:49:04.000 That was a fair point I just made.

01:49:05.000 You were wrong when you said that.

01:49:06.000 I don't know.

01:49:07.000 I didn't listen.

01:49:08.000 Oh.

01:49:13.000 You're a big guy and you talk loud.

01:49:15.000 I talked over you.

01:49:17.000 You're just now yelling at me because I'm not talking.

01:49:19.000 I'm not yelling at you.

01:49:20.000 I'm just yelling about your point.

01:49:21.000 You accused us of something.

01:49:22.000 No, I didn't accuse him.

01:49:23.000 Sure you did. 1.00

01:49:24.000 You guys are just full of shit. 1.00

01:49:26.000 You're an interesting guy, Jimmy, because you're a liberal in a lot of ways, but you're also conservative in a lot of ways. 1.00

01:49:31.000 What is that?

01:49:32.000 Oh, thank you, John.

01:49:32.000 Are you the man?

01:49:35.000 You're very conservative and right-wing in a lot of ways.

01:49:38.000 Certain ways, yeah.

01:49:38.000 But you're also very liberal.

01:49:40.000 Do you hear what you're saying in this and you still stand by what you're saying?

01:49:44.000 About pulling our military out of everywhere?

01:49:47.000 Yeah.

01:49:47.000 Absolutely.

01:49:48.000 Fuck the rest of the world. 1.00

01:49:49.000 Fuck Egypt. 1.00

01:49:50.000 I'm sick of giving them money when people here don't eat. 1.00

01:49:53.000 I'm tired of us fucking telling everybody else how to live their lives and we don't do it. 0.98

01:49:58.000 We tell people, don't do this, don't do that, and meanwhile, if two guys want to get married, they can't. 0.99

01:50:05.000 If we were not full of shit and we were consistent, I'd be fine with it. 1.00

01:50:10.000 I just think that the rest of the world, fuck them. 1.00

01:50:13.000 But do you really believe that we were attacked by a country? 1.00

01:50:17.000 You were talking about sending troops into other countries?

01:50:20.000 Well, I meant Afghanistan, not Iraq.

01:50:23.000 But did you think we were attacked by Afghanistan?

01:50:25.000 No, but what I meant by that, and this was more to this, was the fact that the Taliban held bin Laden and shielded bin Laden and refused to give him to us.

01:50:36.000 That was what I felt happened.

01:50:37.000 I felt that they were complicit in allowing him to operate there.

01:50:43.000 So while the whole country didn't attack us, I feel, had they just given us Bin Laden, we never would have attacked Afghanistan. 0.99

01:50:49.000 You're a smart guy, and you know that the line that you get from the media, whether press releases or what have you, you know it's garbage. 0.80

01:50:58.000 So why would you think that they really were shielding Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan.

01:51:03.000 When you know what you know about Jessica Lynch, where they lied about Jessica Lynch being rescued, she was kidnapped, and meanwhile she was just in a hospital in Iraq, and they didn't even fire a bullet when they got her out of there, and she actually was pretty vocal about it, and in that received death threats and was threatened by numerous people that she was called a traitor because she didn't go along with the company line.

01:51:24.000 And then, of course, you know the Pat Tillman story.

01:51:26.000 You know the difference between his brother's version of the events and his brother's version of how his brother Pat Tillman felt about being in the war once he was there.

01:51:34.000 So different from what the government was saying in their press releases.

01:51:39.000 And then when we found out that it was actually Friendly Fire that killed him, it was actually killed by American troops.

01:51:44.000 The whole thing becomes incredibly complex and really fucked up and you're realizing that someone's lying to you and they're painting a bad picture. 0.77

01:51:50.000 So why would you assume that they're telling you the truth about Osama bin Laden being hid by the Taliban in Afghanistan? 0.84

01:51:57.000 In that case, I believed it.

01:51:59.000 At the time?

01:52:00.000 Yeah, and I still think the Taliban knew he was there and was happy he was there. 1.00

01:52:05.000 But I don't blame them.

01:52:06.000 They're religious fanatics.

01:52:07.000 I get it.

01:52:09.000 I get the connection.

01:52:10.000 I'm sorry to interrupt you, but have you ever talked to Special Forces guys?

01:52:13.000 I know you talked to a lot of those guys.

01:52:15.000 You have them on your podcast.

01:52:16.000 We had Chris Kyle.

01:52:18.000 Yeah, the guy who was killed.

01:52:19.000 Have you ever talked to them about Osama bin Laden?

01:52:22.000 Yeah, we have, sure.

01:52:23.000 A lot of them don't think that that guy was even alive.

01:52:26.000 They think he had been dead a long time ago.

01:52:28.000 They just decided to use it as a good time to say they got him.

01:52:33.000 You know Benazir Bhutto, that woman that was killed in an explosion?

01:52:37.000 Remember that?

01:52:38.000 No.

01:52:38.000 Is that her name?

01:52:39.000 Was she the one who was shot, killed by...

01:52:40.000 Who was the woman that was killed? 0.77

01:52:42.000 She was... 0.97

01:52:42.000 President? 0.97

01:52:43.000 Or she was running for president? 1.00

01:52:44.000 Oh, god damn. 0.99

01:52:45.000 I wish I knew. 1.00

01:52:46.000 I'm such a fucking idiot when it comes to foreign policy. 1.00

01:52:49.000 Killed. 1.00

01:52:50.000 Anyway, she said, whoever this woman was, she said that... 1.00

01:52:53.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:52:54.000 Benazir Bhutto.

01:52:55.000 She was killed in 2007. She said that she went to his funeral.

01:53:01.000 I mean, she was the Prime Minister of Pakistan in two non-consecutive terms.

01:53:07.000 Was she shot though?

01:53:08.000 Was it a suicide bombing?

01:53:09.000 I think it was a bomb, yeah.

01:53:10.000 And she said, I mean, this is not a woman that has any reason to lie. 1.00

01:53:14.000 She said she went to his fucking funeral. 1.00

01:53:17.000 Maybe it was one of those fake funerals. 1.00

01:53:18.000 Maybe. 1.00

01:53:21.000 Or just to fucking put out, maybe they knew that bitch would tell. 1.00

01:53:25.000 So let's bring her to a fake funeral. 1.00

01:53:28.000 She'll talk some shit. 1.00

01:53:29.000 We made a fake Osama bin Laden and then he can hide in Pakistan. 1.00

01:53:32.000 That's possible too.

01:53:33.000 It didn't really help Obama.

01:53:35.000 I firmly believe, I do think that he was there, and I do think that they just caught him the way they said.

01:53:40.000 I don't believe everything the government tells me, at all.

01:53:42.000 But in this particular case, it makes sense to me, and it's not that difficult a stretch for me to make, that he was holed up there and they finally got him. 0.97

01:53:50.000 It took ten fucking years. 0.98

01:53:52.000 I don't see the government being patient enough. 0.99

01:53:55.000 Or anybody not wanting to grab...

01:53:57.000 Like, Bush was getting slaughtered in the polls.

01:54:00.000 There's no way anybody on the Republican side would have allowed that to continue.

01:54:07.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:08.000 They could have grabbed the glory for it, as opposed to under Obama's watch.

01:54:14.000 So, do I believe that the Taliban...

01:54:15.000 If it was the French government, I would not have believed they were hiding him.

01:54:19.000 Even Saddam Hussein.

01:54:21.000 I probably wouldn't have believed.

01:54:23.000 And I was originally for the Iraq war, and then I'm against it.

01:54:26.000 I shouldn't have been for it.

01:54:28.000 But with Afghanistan, I feel they were much more of religious fanatics, and you see the way the Taliban are, and I do think that they were protecting him and they were okay with him being there.

01:54:38.000 So that was why I was okay. 0.99

01:54:40.000 With us lashing out at them, Iraq was a mistake, and I wish we hadn't gone there, because I think that most of the Iraq people don't give a fuck about us, and I don't think American lives should be shed over that shit. 1.00

01:54:52.000 Like, I believe in pulling—get them out of Germany, too! 1.00

01:54:55.000 Why are we in fucking Germany? 1.00

01:54:56.000 It's a waste of money! 0.99

01:54:57.000 Yeah, but do you think that we're really in Iraq for the Iraq people?

01:55:01.000 No!

01:55:01.000 No.

01:55:02.000 Of course not!

01:55:02.000 We're in Iraq to make some money.

01:55:04.000 They're in Iraq to control oil.

01:55:06.000 Then we should say that.

01:55:07.000 Most likely, right?

01:55:08.000 Yeah, well, you can't say that because nobody's going to agree to go to war then.

01:55:11.000 I mean, that's been the strategy from the beginning of time.

01:55:14.000 That's what Eisenhower warned people about when he was leaving office.

01:55:17.000 That's what people have always said.

01:55:20.000 I mean, did you ever read that Smedley Butler thing he wrote?

01:55:24.000 He was a general in like 1935. I think we both know I haven't.

01:55:29.000 So it's kind of a famous piece.

01:55:30.000 It's called War is a Racket.

01:55:32.000 And he wrote this whole thing about his entire career in the military being a racket.

01:55:37.000 It was all about money, about bankers, and about oil companies, and about all these different things where he thought he was doing one thing, but he was really just protecting the interests of these gigantic institutions.

01:55:48.000 And when you read it, it's really hard to read because it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that this was 1930-something.

01:55:54.000 And it's the same now.

01:55:55.000 It's the same way now, almost a hundred years later. 0.97

01:55:58.000 Eighty fucking years later. 0.94

01:56:00.000 And it's basically the same. 0.99

01:56:01.000 You know, I agree with a lot more of that than I would have five or six years ago.

01:56:06.000 What's changed?

01:56:07.000 Just, you know, guys like Bernie Madoff and all these, it's just growing up a little bit more or looking at things differently or reading more about, you know, just whatever changes in opinion over time.

01:56:19.000 Right.

01:56:19.000 I'm never afraid of looking back and going, oh, I should have thought another way on that.

01:56:23.000 Right.

01:56:24.000 I don't have...

01:56:24.000 That's why I don't...

01:56:25.000 Again, I don't try to convince an audience that I'm right.

01:56:28.000 I'm just honest about my opinion.

01:56:29.000 Yeah, you are.

01:56:30.000 We all bat 500. Well, you're brave with your opinions, too, which is important.

01:56:33.000 You know, you...

01:56:34.000 If you really believe it, you have a reason for believing it, and you're willing to talk about it.

01:56:38.000 You know, I think that's...

01:56:40.000 That's a rare thing.

01:56:41.000 People don't want to do that.

01:56:42.000 They don't want to take chances with controversial subjects.

01:56:45.000 It's a very controversial subject to defend war or even to criticize war.

01:56:49.000 It's controversial.

01:56:50.000 It becomes a topic of heated discussion.

01:56:55.000 Always.

01:56:56.000 I feel like with the Afghan government, again, if I found out that they weren't shielding Bin Laden, I'd say, oh God, I was wrong about that.

01:57:04.000 Well, if you really find out about the Afghan government is that we pay the brother of Karzi by the CIA. He's a drug dealer. 0.66

01:57:10.000 The CIA's been paying him for almost a fucking decade or something crazy like that. 0.99

01:57:14.000 Have you interviewed Saad Maseni? 0.98

01:57:16.000 No.

01:57:17.000 Who's that?

01:57:17.000 He's a buddy of Jonathan's.

01:57:18.000 He knows everything about it.

01:57:19.000 He's from Afghanistan.

01:57:20.000 Oh yeah?

01:57:21.000 What does he do?

01:57:21.000 He runs Moby.

01:57:22.000 He's like the Rupert Murdoch of Afghanistan.

01:57:25.000 What's Moby?

01:57:26.000 It's a media company.

01:57:27.000 He's a TV station there.

01:57:28.000 Ah.

01:57:29.000 Assad knows him.

01:57:30.000 In Afghanistan?

01:57:30.000 He knows everything about Afghanistan.

01:57:32.000 Oh my God.

01:57:33.000 And he could tell you about the Taliban because he's communicated with them.

01:57:36.000 He knows them.

01:57:36.000 Right.

01:57:38.000 And he's a guy you would love, love to have on the show.

01:57:41.000 He's a great guest.

01:57:43.000 That sounds awesome.

01:57:44.000 Really, really bright guy.

01:57:45.000 He would be able to answer that question very well and he would be very accurate in whatever he said because he knows those guys.

01:57:52.000 You know what my favorite story about Afghanistan is?

01:57:55.000 How they talk the Taliban into giving up the position?

01:57:57.000 Or how they talk the warlords, the local guys, into giving up the position for the Taliban?

01:58:02.000 You know how they do it.

01:58:03.000 Viagra.

01:58:03.000 Viagra, yes.

01:58:05.000 They give them Viagra.

01:58:07.000 They're like, guns?

01:58:08.000 I don't need guns. 1.00

01:58:10.000 Pussy, I have 20 wives. 1.00

01:58:12.000 Then I cannot even get it up. 1.00

01:58:13.000 Yeah.

01:58:14.000 And then they're like, oh, okay.

01:58:15.000 We got you.

01:58:16.000 We got what you need here, son.

01:58:18.000 All of a sudden, these old dudes are just naked with perpetual hard-ons. 0.98

01:58:24.000 Just running these harems that they have up there.

01:58:26.000 What a barbaric way of living life they have.

01:58:30.000 I mean, they have these...

01:58:32.000 What a lot of people don't realize about Afghanistan is if you watch documentaries on it or talk to people that have been there, it really is like it's frozen in time.

01:58:41.000 Like, there's people that are warlords and they control segments of the land and then they're bordered by other warlords and these guys have like 20 wives and...

01:58:50.000 It's a weird, wacky sort of a way of life.

01:58:53.000 15th century, it feels.

01:58:54.000 15th century.

01:58:55.000 I don't relate to it at all.

01:58:57.000 Again, I don't think we should be over there interacting.

01:58:59.000 Not that we should never have interaction with other countries, but the fact that we try to throw our ideas into other people's business.

01:59:09.000 I don't care what North Korea does.

01:59:11.000 It's nothing to do with me.

01:59:14.000 All that money we waste... 1.00

01:59:16.000 On fucking other countries. 1.00

01:59:18.000 Should be spent on American citizens. 1.00

01:59:20.000 And if we want Obamacare.

01:59:21.000 Fine let's take care of everybody.

01:59:23.000 Take that billion you're giving to Egypt. 0.99

01:59:25.000 And then fucking give it back to the American people. 0.99

01:59:27.000 Like give people here. 1.00

01:59:29.000 Who have their fucking pensions taken away. 0.99

01:59:32.000 Give them that billion dollars. 1.00

01:59:34.000 We waste so much money.

01:59:37.000 And I think that.

01:59:38.000 Like you said.

01:59:39.000 The asterisk with that should be.

01:59:40.000 If anybody attacks us physically.

01:59:42.000 Our response should be.

01:59:46.000 Embarrassingly bad.

01:59:47.000 Like, it should be embarrassingly strong and devastating.

01:59:51.000 So I think that should be the only...

01:59:53.000 That should be the thing.

01:59:54.000 Like, you do what you want, but if you come into our yard, we will blast you out of existence.

02:00:00.000 Well, I think that as a stand-up...

02:00:01.000 Which is very childish, by the way, I'm sure.

02:00:02.000 Yeah.

02:00:03.000 Well, I'm childish in a lot of ways, too.

02:00:04.000 But as a stand-up comedian, I think it's ridiculous for me to try to even attempt to understand what it must be like to running foreign policy.

02:00:12.000 Just to say that.

02:00:13.000 Sure, sure, sure.

02:00:14.000 But if you look at the entirety of the situation, you would see that there would, I would think that there's probably a benefit in giving a lot of people money because they make you, they're indebted to you.

02:00:26.000 Those people are indebted to you and then you can kind of do things.

02:00:29.000 Sure.

02:00:30.000 You can put bases over there.

02:00:31.000 You can extract resources. 1.00

02:00:33.000 You can do all the shit the United States does. 1.00

02:00:34.000 Sure. 1.00

02:00:35.000 And we can't do all that if we don't give them money. 0.87

02:00:38.000 And if we don't give them money, and then they all start fucking forming their own organizations, then it's not One World Power anymore like it is now. 0.91

02:00:46.000 Right. 0.81

02:00:46.000 The reason why One World Power works is because we put the whole world... 0.81

02:00:49.000 It's sort of a perpetual welfare state where the whole world relies on the United States either for military support or from financial support or something.

02:00:58.000 And by doing that, it's a terrible way of looking at it, but the reality is when you have these countries that are indebted to you, those countries kind of owe you. 0.82

02:01:07.000 You can get them to do shit and stay calm and they don't try to take over the world. 0.75

02:01:12.000 They owe a fuckload of money, you have military bases there, and you keep things on that level. 0.99

02:01:16.000 And when you tell people how many bases the United States has in other countries, most people have no idea.

02:01:22.000 There's more than a hundred different countries in the world that have United States military presence.

02:01:29.000 When you hear about that, you go, wait a minute, what?

02:01:31.000 What?

02:01:32.000 Yeah, and this is what I love about us.

02:01:34.000 And again, I love America.

02:01:35.000 I really do, and I do think we're a great country.

02:01:37.000 I mean, you talk about American exceptionalism.

02:01:39.000 I believe a lot of it, and some of it I think is a bit overblown. 0.99

02:01:41.000 But I have patriotism and pride, and this is not about me, oh, fuck America at all. 0.99

02:01:47.000 I just hate the—because the same mentality that— Do as I say, not as I do shit trickles down into our daily lives and eventually affects us as comics and performers because people feel comfortable being self-righteous or duplicitous. 1.00

02:02:00.000 And it makes me fucking crazy. 0.99

02:02:02.000 But we're bellyaching about Snowden. 0.99

02:02:04.000 What the fuck do we think the Soviets are going to do? 0.97

02:02:07.000 We have had our door open to Soviet defectors. 0.99

02:02:12.000 Forever!

02:02:12.000 And we cry that they're keeping him?

02:02:15.000 Of course they should keep him!

02:02:16.000 I don't blame the Soviets for not giving him back. 0.95

02:02:19.000 We're going to huff and fucking puff when all we've done is say, hey, if you're a defector, come on over. 0.97

02:02:24.000 We'll take care of you. 0.98

02:02:25.000 And we should do that.

02:02:26.000 Not only that, do you know what the reason, like, the critical boiling point was where they decided to accept his acceptance for his application for asylum?

02:02:37.000 Thank you.

02:02:38.000 Couldn't stumble through that quick enough.

02:02:39.000 The United States was criticizing Russia for trying to silence political dissent. 0.75

02:02:46.000 They literally had the balls to criticize Russia for silencing political dissent while the biggest whistleblower in the history of our country is sitting in their airport. 0.78

02:02:57.000 And they were like, really? 1.00

02:02:59.000 Like, are you guys that fucking deft? 1.00

02:03:01.000 Are you that fucking dumb? 1.00

02:03:04.000 It's not deft, it's daft, right? 1.00

02:03:05.000 We are, though. 0.93

02:03:06.000 Whatever the word is. 1.00

02:03:06.000 Are you guys that arrogant that you think that you can criticize us while we're holding the guy that fucking released all those documents that proved that you guys are lying twats? 1.00

02:03:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:03:15.000 I mean, Obama went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and was lying about it. 0.99

02:03:22.000 Wasn't telling the truth about releasing the...

02:03:25.000 First of all, he was saying that people are not being spied on.

02:03:28.000 But that's not true.

02:03:29.000 People are being spied on.

02:03:30.000 And they're telling the DEA... They're showing them how to fake an investigation so that they don't show that they got the records from the NSA. They're showing them how to retroactively piece together an investigation.

02:03:44.000 So they say, well, we arrived at our results this way.

02:03:47.000 If you already know someone's guilty because you have the NSA paperwork on them, Email, phone calls, what have you.

02:03:54.000 All you have to do is zoom in on this guy and then you could find the evidence and find a reason to investigate him because you know he's guilty already.

02:04:04.000 You could just piece it together easily.

02:04:05.000 And again, were they doing that to American citizens for normal interactions or was it really...

02:04:12.000 For people who were using the loophole of being here and communicating so we couldn't get into...

02:04:20.000 It's almost like somebody once said after 9-11, the Constitution is not a suicide pact.

02:04:24.000 Like, were they attempting to...

02:04:27.000 And I don't know the answer to it.

02:04:28.000 Were they attempting to use, like, America's laws kind of against it?

02:04:32.000 Like, well, I'm here...

02:04:33.000 Those American citizens using the DEA... The DEA was investigating American citizens for selling drugs.

02:04:38.000 Oh, it was drugs.

02:04:39.000 Okay, I didn't realize you were saying that.

02:04:40.000 Yeah, as far as I know, it's American citizens.

02:04:42.000 I believe so.

02:04:42.000 I'll have to go over the story again.

02:04:43.000 I don't want to use for that.

02:04:45.000 Well, not just that.

02:04:46.000 The real problem with it is not just the fact they're catching people doing things.

02:04:49.000 Like, I'm all for you removing meth labs.

02:04:51.000 Don't get me wrong.

02:04:52.000 The problem is you're also asking investigators to fake an investigation.

02:04:56.000 And when you do that, you're asking public servants to lie.

02:05:03.000 Absolutely.

02:05:18.000 That gets real slippery.

02:05:20.000 You're faking an investigation?

02:05:21.000 What else are you faking?

02:05:22.000 I mean, that opens the door to you faking evidence. 0.99

02:05:25.000 That opens the door to you faking a lot of shit if you think that a person is guilty and you can't prove it. 0.99

02:05:30.000 And that's always been what's said. 0.99

02:05:32.000 That's how OJ got off.

02:05:33.000 That's the whole Mark Furman thing. 0.99

02:05:34.000 That he might have, you know, people said he might be fucking planting evidence. 1.00

02:05:38.000 A lot of that shit is real. 1.00

02:05:40.000 We see it all the time. 1.00

02:05:41.000 There's a million videos on YouTube of cops that get busted planting things.

02:05:44.000 There's stories online that people get busted.

02:05:47.000 So that sort of mentality is extremely dangerous.

02:05:50.000 And that's why I'm against it.

02:05:51.000 Yeah, and that makes sense.

02:05:52.000 And, you know, I'm against it for what is basically a perverse reason. 0.98

02:05:56.000 It is just simply a dislike of this nosy cunt culture we have become. 0.99

02:06:01.000 And it makes me crazy. 0.98

02:06:03.000 So I like to see people...

02:06:06.000 I like to see people going, oh, when it's me, it's different.

02:06:12.000 And again, someone can sit down and go, well, don't you?

02:06:14.000 Of course I understand the difference between the government doing it and us looking at Tiger.

02:06:19.000 Of course I get that.

02:06:20.000 Well, you know, sociologists have an interesting take on what's going on.

02:06:23.000 And as far as our attraction to gossip and gossip magazines and TMZ-type things and celebrity gossip...

02:06:30.000 And what they're saying is that we are in a weird point in time where we have the largest populations, big giant populations, but we don't know each other anymore.

02:06:39.000 I mean, you live in New York City, you live in an apartment building, right?

02:06:42.000 How many people live in your apartment building?

02:06:44.000 45 stories, a lot.

02:06:46.000 45 stories of people.

02:06:48.000 How many is that?

02:06:50.000 Is it a thousand?

02:06:51.000 Five hundred, a thousand, maybe.

02:06:53.000 I just don't know.

02:06:53.000 Maybe a thousand people.

02:06:54.000 Think about that.

02:06:55.000 Think about what a big neighborhood that is.

02:06:57.000 That's a massive neighborhood. 1.00

02:06:58.000 How many people in that fucking building do you know? 1.00

02:07:00.000 Literally my neighbor and a couple, maybe two. 1.00

02:07:03.000 Yeah, it's craziness.

02:07:04.000 So they're saying that we are missing a need for a community.

02:07:09.000 And we're missing, there's like a draw of like busybodying about each other.

02:07:13.000 It's like finding what the cultural parameters and boundaries are. 0.99

02:07:16.000 And establishing them by talking about shit. 0.99

02:07:19.000 And normally there would be like a village. 1.00

02:07:21.000 And everybody in the village would be like 50, 100 people, whatever the fuck it is. 0.93

02:07:24.000 And we would all kind of know each other's business and figure out what's cool and what's not cool. 0.76

02:07:28.000 But when you're in this weird situation where you don't even know the people around you, And then you're watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

02:07:35.000 That fills the void where community should be.

02:07:38.000 That's why people are so goddamn attracted to quote-unquote reality shows as opposed to scripted shows. 0.98

02:07:44.000 Because they know when someone's being a dickhead, there's no script. 0.99

02:07:47.000 They're just being a dickhead. 1.00

02:07:48.000 And you're like, oh, that bitch! 1.00

02:07:49.000 I can't believe she said that to him! 1.00

02:07:50.000 And they're really drawn into it.

02:07:52.000 Because they're lacking a real community and a real established community.

02:07:57.000 Like, group of people that you interact with on a regular basis all the time in your village.

02:08:02.000 And plus, well, network TV do that to themselves by emasculating comedies and language and making everything so soft and wrapped up and palatable that reality now stands out so much more.

02:08:13.000 Part of that is a lot of it, probably what you're saying, and some of it is because the writing on regular television is so soft. 0.96

02:08:19.000 And that's, again, that's not, the writers are probably very good, but it's just such fucking predictable drama. 0.98

02:08:24.000 Dreck. 1.00

02:08:25.000 All of it is such shit. 1.00

02:08:27.000 There's a lot of shit. 1.00

02:08:28.000 A lot of it. 1.00

02:08:28.000 Those sitcoms especially. 1.00

02:08:29.000 They're the worst.

02:08:30.000 There's no honest language.

02:08:32.000 There's no honest interactions.

02:08:33.000 Everything is presented in a way that you know is going to be presented.

02:08:37.000 Have you seen the ads for the new Jackass movie, Bad Grandpa?

02:08:42.000 No.

02:08:42.000 Have you seen them?

02:08:43.000 Holy shit, is it funny. 0.99

02:08:45.000 Oh, really? 0.99

02:08:45.000 I went to see Elysium last night. 0.99

02:08:48.000 And they had this ad for this Jackass film, and it's a film they did where they made up these scenarios and did all these little stunts, but they did them in front of real people.

02:08:57.000 So people had no idea why it was going on. 0.95

02:09:00.000 I mean, it is fucking funny. 0.96

02:09:03.000 Like, laugh out loud funny. 0.98

02:09:05.000 Because you don't realize as you're watching it, it's like, is this an act?

02:09:08.000 Like, what is this?

02:09:09.000 Keep going straight.

02:09:12.000 You getting tired?

02:09:13.000 Yeah.

02:09:14.000 This isn't drawing so much.

02:09:17.000 Oh! 0.60

02:09:19.000 Are we gonna get in trouble for this?

02:09:21.000 They won't notice a thing.

02:09:22.000 That's how it looks most of the time anyway.

02:09:27.000 These are real people. 0.98

02:09:33.000 So what they did is they had some scripted shit, and then they interacted with real people. 0.99

02:09:39.000 That's funny. 0.99

02:09:42.000 That's a great idea. 0.99

02:09:43.000 But watch some of the shit that goes on. 0.99

02:09:46.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:09:55.000 That's hilarious.

02:10:10.000 They're gonna take that child away from me.

02:10:12.000 I'm sorry.

02:10:13.000 You're very pretty when you're mad.

02:10:17.000 Thank you for being here today.

02:10:23.000 What's your stripper stage name? 1.00

02:10:25.000 I look like a stripper? 0.90

02:10:27.000 I'll just call you Cinnamon.

02:10:30.000 Wanna have some fun?

02:10:31.000 Yeah!

02:10:33.000 You're a pretty little girl.

02:10:35.000 You got it?

02:10:36.000 I'm one of these girls with a brilliant party.

02:10:39.000 Is that weird?

02:10:40.000 We've just never seen it, so it's different.

02:10:47.000 Watch this.

02:11:04.000 I don't want to tell people who are listening to this what's happening because I could probably get in trouble for describing it.

02:11:11.000 Look at the grandpa with the cash!

02:11:13.000 Made it rain. 0.99

02:11:14.000 It's fucking funny. 0.98

02:11:15.000 I don't want to say anything. 0.98

02:11:16.000 Watch it on YouTube.

02:11:17.000 Watch the...

02:11:18.000 That's awesome.

02:11:19.000 I didn't know about...

02:11:20.000 But what they did was, instead of making just another...

02:11:23.000 Am I on?

02:11:24.000 Yeah.

02:11:24.000 What they did was, instead of making another goofy comedy, they made a hilarious thing where they did it in front of people and the people had no idea.

02:11:31.000 So it is like a movie.

02:11:33.000 Real reaction.

02:11:33.000 They do have like a Borat sort of a situation where they use real people as they're filming the movie.

02:11:39.000 They're going to have to do shit like that. 1.00

02:11:41.000 The same tired premises over and over again. 0.99

02:11:44.000 I haven't been to comedy in quite a while.

02:11:47.000 It's been a while since I saw one of those movies, date movies or whatever.

02:11:55.000 I don't care.

02:11:56.000 I know what's going to happen.

02:11:57.000 You're both going to get together in the end and everything's going to be funny and yay, haha.

02:12:02.000 I'm tired of it.

02:12:03.000 And everybody's tired of it. 0.99

02:12:04.000 That's why something like this comes along and it's just like, holy shit. 0.99

02:12:07.000 Feels different. 0.95

02:12:08.000 What a great idea.

02:12:09.000 It catches you off guard the way comedy is supposed to.

02:12:12.000 Or the way a film is supposed to.

02:12:13.000 It feels like, oh, this is fresh.

02:12:15.000 Did you see Borat?

02:12:17.000 I never saw it.

02:12:18.000 I saw parts of it.

02:12:20.000 I did see a lot of it.

02:12:22.000 I didn't love it.

02:12:23.000 I'll tell you why.

02:12:24.000 Because I love the Ali G show so much.

02:12:27.000 I didn't like the parts of it were scripted.

02:12:30.000 I liked the Ali G show where I believe it was all real people.

02:12:34.000 I didn't like the fact that a lot of it was scripted in Borat.

02:12:36.000 I didn't think it stunk.

02:12:38.000 I didn't really do much for it.

02:12:40.000 But they kind of had to do that.

02:12:41.000 Yeah, I'm sure they did. 0.99

02:12:43.000 There were some very funny moments where he brings the bag of shit down. 0.97

02:12:46.000 There was a lot of stuff that really made me laugh. 0.99

02:12:49.000 It was amazing, man.

02:12:51.000 I love that kind of comedy more than anything.

02:12:54.000 His show, The Ali G Show, there's a lot of people today that don't even know that.

02:12:58.000 I wonder if he's going into hiding so that he can do it again.

02:13:02.000 It's really almost like that show will never be erased.

02:13:06.000 There's no way in this day and age you could sneak that past a publicist.

02:13:10.000 He needs another character that no one has seen before.

02:13:14.000 But it would not just have to be another character.

02:13:16.000 It would almost have to be another person. 0.98

02:13:18.000 Because the internet is too goddamn... 0.62

02:13:21.000 There's too much information about those things. 0.99

02:13:22.000 Well, you shoot them all first. 1.00

02:13:24.000 You shoot them all first. 1.00

02:13:24.000 You shoot them all and then you show them. 1.00

02:13:26.000 You don't shoot them week to week. 1.00

02:13:27.000 You could definitely do that.

02:13:28.000 Yeah, you'd have to do like one season, right? 0.96

02:13:30.000 I know a lot about TV production considering I can't get shit on the air, don't I? It's amazing. 0.95

02:13:34.000 Fucking pontificating idiot. 1.00

02:13:35.000 Well, you were in Lucky Louie. 1.00

02:13:36.000 I was, yes.

02:13:37.000 Once again, somebody else does something and I just come along for the ride. 0.98

02:13:40.000 Fucking, I'll be riding shotgun, my name should be. 0.99

02:13:43.000 Your thing that you're doing that's scripted, is this something you created yourself? 1.00

02:13:46.000 Yes.

02:13:46.000 And it's a sitcom?

02:13:48.000 It's like a single camera comedy about me being a comic and a sex addict.

02:13:54.000 I think it's funny.

02:13:56.000 I have like nine episodes written.

02:13:59.000 Who are you going to bring it to?

02:14:00.000 I brought it to a few different networks and they liked it, but the problem was that Louie's a comedian.

02:14:04.000 They're like, well, we don't want it because Louie's...

02:14:05.000 Which I get, so I changed it to being a radio show host, which I actually like a lot better.

02:14:12.000 And I've just been kind of frazzled with it.

02:14:14.000 I just haven't done anything with it. 1.00

02:14:15.000 I'm so stupid. 1.00

02:14:16.000 What do you mean? 1.00

02:14:17.000 What's wrong with you?

02:14:18.000 I just, you know, I don't get this stuff done.

02:14:22.000 Like, I should get it done.

02:14:24.000 I have a manager.

02:14:25.000 I have a personal appearance agent, but I don't have an agent.

02:14:27.000 And we get as much done as we can.

02:14:29.000 Why don't you have an agent?

02:14:30.000 I don't know.

02:14:31.000 That's a good question.

02:14:33.000 You're so logical about other aspects of your life. 0.98

02:14:35.000 Yeah, well, see, you know, again, because I zone out sometimes, and I'm just fucking online, being a creep. 0.99

02:14:41.000 How much of your time is spent, like, being a sex addict? 1.00

02:14:44.000 So much, dude. 0.99

02:14:45.000 How much of your daily life?

02:14:46.000 It's hard to say, when I'm doing good, I'm doing good, but when I'm doing bad, there's been times where literally, I get home from radio at 11, and then all of a sudden, it's like, you know, I've eaten and stuff, but it's like, man, it's 8.30, I gotta go to work.

02:14:56.000 Like, the whole day was wasted.

02:14:58.000 It's like so many of those days, it's like being in a fog.

02:15:01.000 Plus, I don't sleep at all.

02:15:03.000 Really? 0.99

02:15:03.000 No, I'm always tired because of fucking dumb sleep apnea. 0.99

02:15:06.000 You haven't done anything with your sleep apnea? 1.00

02:15:08.000 I've done two tests. 1.00

02:15:11.000 Literally, the only thing worse than a pedophile is a fucking sleep apnea test technician. 1.00

02:15:15.000 Those fuckers. 1.00

02:15:17.000 I knew what I needed, and I'll never forgive the woman for not testing me for it. 1.00

02:15:22.000 I needed an ASV machine which handles complex apnea.

02:15:25.000 And I'm finally going in for a test with a new company, probably within the next few weeks.

02:15:30.000 But I need a mask that fits me properly.

02:15:32.000 I need a custom-made mask.

02:15:34.000 And there was a place that did them in Dallas, but I can't find them anymore.

02:15:38.000 You lost weight.

02:15:39.000 Yeah, thank you, I did.

02:15:40.000 Did that make an impact on your sleep apnea?

02:15:43.000 No, because it really wasn't that.

02:15:44.000 It might have made the...

02:15:47.000 The obstructive apnea a bit different, which is when your throat closes up because of your tongue blocking it.

02:15:52.000 But the central apnea I don't think is affected by weight at all.

02:15:56.000 What's the difference?

02:15:57.000 When your brain just doesn't say breathe.

02:15:59.000 That's what's going on with you?

02:16:00.000 I have both.

02:16:01.000 It's called complex.

02:16:03.000 Obstructive is I'll lay there on my back and my tongue goes...

02:16:06.000 Yeah, that's me.

02:16:06.000 And I make that horrible sound.

02:16:08.000 But then there's times where I'm laying on my side and I'll just go...

02:16:14.000 And I'll wake up, and I'll realize I haven't breathed.

02:16:17.000 My body didn't try to breathe.

02:16:19.000 So what happens is I wake up with an intense itch somewhere, like in my neck or my stomach, or I have to piss, or I wake up like...

02:16:26.000 Because your brain sends adrenaline to your heart to wake you up because you're not breathing.

02:16:31.000 Wow.

02:16:32.000 And what is the cause of that?

02:16:35.000 Oxygenization of the blood.

02:16:36.000 There's something off with that.

02:16:37.000 They don't know completely.

02:16:39.000 The central apnea is a newer one that they're addressing.

02:16:43.000 Obstructive, they've done a lot with.

02:16:44.000 Central apnea, they don't know as much about.

02:16:46.000 The masks are okay, but it's hard to find a mask that you're totally comfortable with.

02:16:51.000 The ASV machine is a very advanced machine.

02:16:56.000 It monitors your breathing, and when I'm not attempting to take a breath, it will do it for me, and it will force the air in.

02:17:03.000 Whereas most CPAP machines just are patterned.

02:17:10.000 So they're kind of patterning your breathing just to keep your throat open so your tongue doesn't block it.

02:17:14.000 But the breathing...

02:17:16.000 So this ASV machine has to do that, and it has to calculate when your brain isn't trying to breathe. 0.93

02:17:21.000 It's a really fucking weird, frustrating situation. 0.80

02:17:24.000 Because I'm an insomniac anyway, so I can't fall asleep with the mask. 0.83

02:17:28.000 Do you think any of this has to do with...

02:17:30.000 Is there any psychological things going on?

02:17:32.000 Sure, I'm sure some of it...

02:17:33.000 The falling asleep part is...

02:17:35.000 Like...

02:17:36.000 When I'm acting out sexually, I don't sleep as well. 0.99

02:17:39.000 If I'm jerking off to videos right before, it fucks my mind up, man. 0.99

02:17:42.000 When I'm off sex shit for a week or so and I'm not jacking off and I'm not obsessing, it's like my brain goes, And I can breathe and think normally and live normally. 1.00

02:17:52.000 But when I am constantly fucking getting that dopamine drip... 0.99

02:17:55.000 Like, I literally was recently... 0.99

02:17:57.000 I kept jerking off before sleep and I wasn't coming.

02:18:00.000 I would edge.

02:18:01.000 I would get myself close and then stop.

02:18:02.000 And then get myself close.

02:18:03.000 And I realized this the other night.

02:18:05.000 I feel high. 0.99

02:18:07.000 I'm getting myself fucking high. 1.00

02:18:10.000 I'm like a chimp or a fucking gerbil going for a little fucking... 1.00

02:18:14.000 I'm going for this high feeling and then I can sleep. 1.00

02:18:18.000 It's sickening.

02:18:19.000 How long have you had this issue?

02:18:20.000 My whole life.

02:18:21.000 Your whole life?

02:18:21.000 Long before I drank, long before I did drugs, there was this.

02:18:25.000 The sexual shit... 1.00

02:18:26.000 The jerking off didn't start until I was 10 or 12 or whatever it was. 1.00

02:18:30.000 But the edging, I don't cum a lot of times because that's the end of the high. 0.99

02:18:34.000 That's the end of the road.

02:18:37.000 I just keep it going and I keep it going because then you don't know where it's going to go.

02:18:40.000 And I don't come for days or weeks on end because I'm like, well, we're a week on end, I should say. 0.99

02:18:45.000 Because when I come, I piss more because then my fucking prostate's all fucked up because I've been edging. 0.99

02:18:49.000 It's a disaster, dude. 1.00

02:18:50.000 Your prostate fucks up because you don't come? 1.00

02:18:53.000 Yeah, when I start and stop and start and stop and start and stop and then I finally come, then I have to piss like an animal. 1.00

02:19:00.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

02:19:01.000 I think it just fucks you up a little bit. 0.93

02:19:03.000 I don't know exactly what that is.

02:19:04.000 I don't have...

02:19:05.000 But this is obviously something that you don't like about yourself.

02:19:07.000 I hate it. 0.76

02:19:08.000 You know, I hate it.

02:19:09.000 But you joke around about it, and you make a lot of comedy about it.

02:19:13.000 Because it's there.

02:19:13.000 It's always present.

02:19:14.000 But have you ever thought about doing something to stop it?

02:19:16.000 Oh, yeah.

02:19:17.000 Without a doubt, man.

02:19:18.000 What would you do?

02:19:19.000 I would need to go to a certain 12-step meeting, which I've attempted to go to, or I've gone to, talk to people in those fellowships that get it and understand it and don't go, ah, you're just a guy being a guy.

02:19:29.000 Like, they get it, man.

02:19:30.000 Like, you know...

02:19:31.000 And I would have to just stop doing it.

02:19:34.000 It's really difficult because it's like you act out.

02:19:38.000 If I drink, I drink.

02:19:39.000 If I get high, I get high.

02:19:40.000 Of course, I don't do those things. 1.00

02:19:41.000 But sexual shit is thought. 1.00

02:19:44.000 Food is really hard because you have to eat to live. 1.00

02:19:47.000 But with sexual shit, if I start thinking it, that triggers stuff. 0.99

02:19:51.000 It's really, really difficult to not fall into that pattern. 1.00

02:19:56.000 I could offer you something.

02:19:58.000 I could offer you, I don't know if you could do it, but what you should think about doing is an ayahuasca session.

02:20:04.000 What is that?

02:20:05.000 Ayahuasca is a shamanic session in Peru.

02:20:09.000 Usually they do it in Peru or Brazil.

02:20:11.000 You could do it in America, but it's not legal, where you're doing this combinatory psychedelic drug that allows you to look at your life and look at all the issues that you have that's wrong.

02:20:22.000 It's not a drug like that.

02:20:23.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:20:23.000 It's not a drug that gets you high and fucked up. 0.96

02:20:25.000 It doesn't get you fucked up. 0.98

02:20:26.000 It shows you what's going on with your life. 0.99

02:20:30.000 It'll show you all the...

02:20:31.000 It's the recidivism rate, like the rate of fixing recidivism in things like heroin addiction.

02:20:36.000 It's one of the best cures ever.

02:20:37.000 That and there's another one, another psychedelic drug called Ibogaine.

02:20:41.000 Ibogaine, if you know anything about Hunter S. Thompson, that's what he accused Ed Muskie of being on during the 1970 political campaigns, presidential campaigns.

02:20:52.000 He wrote some stories in the Rolling Stone saying that there was rumors that Ed Muskie had brought in a Brazilian doctor and he was high on Ibogaine.

02:21:00.000 Wow, I never heard of that.

02:21:02.000 But Ibogaine is actually a different kind of drug than what he was describing.

02:21:05.000 It's actually a self-reflective drug, massively effective at curing people with addictions. 0.99

02:21:09.000 I have a friend who had an OxyContin addiction, and he was really fucked up. 0.92

02:21:14.000 He hurt his back, started getting on OxyContin, then developed a real problem. 0.97

02:21:17.000 It's incredibly physically addictive.

02:21:19.000 And he did Ibogaine once, cured him of it.

02:21:22.000 He's never touched it since, and now he runs an Ibogaine center.

02:21:26.000 And helps people with it.

02:21:27.000 There's a problem with me, too.

02:21:28.000 A lot of it comes down to lack of willingness.

02:21:31.000 It's a lack of willingness to act.

02:21:33.000 Intellectually, I know what I have to do.

02:21:35.000 Yeah, but you have a pattern in your mind that needs to be reset. 0.95

02:21:38.000 And you could reset your mind slowly over time, or you could reset it in one big fucking dump of information, like a DMT trip or like an Ibogaine trip. 0.88

02:21:48.000 And I know you have this thing about not wanting to get high or not wanting to be intoxicated. 0.89

02:21:55.000 But I think you're thinking of a completely different effect than what you're going to get on this experience.

02:22:02.000 You might be right.

02:22:02.000 It scares me too much.

02:22:04.000 You should be scared of what you're doing, though, too.

02:22:06.000 Because obviously you don't like it and you can't fix it.

02:22:08.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:22:09.000 But I can fix it.

02:22:10.000 It's a lack of will.

02:22:12.000 There's a really weird thing.

02:22:13.000 I know what the answer is, and I just like it too much.

02:22:18.000 I like it too much.

02:22:20.000 They said to think of liking lust as weird, but I like it.

02:22:23.000 Okay, but let me ask you this then.

02:22:24.000 What don't you like about it?

02:22:25.000 I don't like the fact that it distracts me.

02:22:27.000 It's consuming.

02:22:28.000 I'm much more creative without it.

02:22:30.000 I'm much more connected without it.

02:22:33.000 When I'm on it, I see...

02:22:35.000 I'm always behind glass, and I feel like I'm not seeing any real human interaction at all.

02:22:42.000 So it just overwhelms you completely?

02:22:45.000 Completely overwhelming.

02:22:46.000 Wow.

02:22:47.000 And I make enough money where I can... 1.00

02:22:48.000 No, I can't be stupid, but if I want to get whores, I can get whores, you know? 1.00

02:22:52.000 Right. 1.00

02:22:53.000 And I do.

02:23:06.000 I don't want to be obsessed.

02:23:21.000 Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you probably can cure it without a psychedelic experience.

02:23:26.000 But in the way you're talking about it, it sounds like a lot of other psychedelic, a lot of other obsessive, compulsive sort of things that psychedelics can cure.

02:23:37.000 Maybe it could.

02:23:38.000 Don't go to my free cams.

02:23:40.000 Have you been there yet?

02:23:41.000 No, I go to clitty.com. 0.98

02:23:43.000 Who doesn't love some good cuckolding porn? 0.98

02:23:45.000 I challenge any man. 0.98

02:23:46.000 Is that what it is? 0.98

02:23:47.000 Cuckolding porn? 0.98

02:23:47.000 I have everything. 0.98

02:23:48.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:23:50.000 I wouldn't really want that, though.

02:23:52.000 A cuckold?

02:23:53.000 You wouldn't like that?

02:23:54.000 Nah, I tell you. 1.00

02:23:54.000 A big black guy to fuck your woman in front of you? 1.00

02:23:56.000 Never. 1.00

02:23:57.000 But I'll tell you what I like about the movies. 1.00

02:23:59.000 It's not necessarily the black guy fucking the woman. 1.00

02:24:02.000 It's the husband being there and filming it. 1.00

02:24:05.000 The dynamics of that is so... 1.00

02:24:09.000 If it's just a black guy fucking a woman, I don't really watch interracial porn because I can't relate to the cock in it. 1.00

02:24:14.000 But when it's the husband watching, it's all about the woman. 1.00

02:24:19.000 She's being so dirty and so inappropriate. 1.00

02:24:22.000 It makes me feel something. 0.91

02:24:24.000 And I think that's a problem is I'm so numb. 1.00

02:24:27.000 If I didn't do this shit for a while, then I get my dick sucked. 1.00

02:24:31.000 It feels good. 1.00

02:24:32.000 But I fucking just won't leave my dick alone. 1.00

02:24:35.000 Oh, fuck it. 1.00

02:24:36.000 It's like my dick's like, forget it. 1.00

02:24:38.000 I'm there fucking wheedling my nipples and trying to get a fucking load out of it. 1.00

02:24:42.000 It's a disaster. 1.00

02:24:43.000 It's a disaster.

02:24:44.000 Yeah, you can get numb.

02:24:46.000 Totally numb.

02:24:47.000 So when I lay off for a while, then it feels good again, then I don't need to go there.

02:24:51.000 Then I don't need to go there.

02:24:53.000 But yeah, I do manage it to a certain degree. 0.52

02:24:55.000 Like, I'm more responsible than I should be considering how fucking far gone I am.

02:24:59.000 I mean, I'm much more careful than you'd think. 0.83

02:25:04.000 Right.

02:25:04.000 You know, that comes with being sober.

02:25:06.000 There are consequences I'm aware of.

02:25:08.000 Yeah, you've been sober since you were like 19, right?

02:25:11.000 18 years old.

02:25:12.000 Wow, that's crazy.

02:25:14.000 That's amazing.

02:25:15.000 You gave up on it real quick.

02:25:17.000 Yeah, but I knew.

02:25:18.000 You were like, this is not for me.

02:25:20.000 Yeah, if you rob three banks, and every time one of your friends gets shot and you go to jail, you're like, robbing banks is just not for me.

02:25:27.000 That's what it was with this.

02:25:29.000 I can't do it.

02:25:29.000 Every time I do it, there's a problem, and it's only going to get worse and worse.

02:25:33.000 Well, I think that along the same lines of your obsessive thing with sex, you can get that obsessive with anything.

02:25:39.000 And it could be good, like you get that obsessive about stand-up.

02:25:42.000 I think especially if you go back to your early days, do you remember what it was like when you were first getting on stage?

02:25:50.000 It really was like a drug you were seeking.

02:25:53.000 It was a high...

02:25:54.000 The thing is, though, it doesn't turn me into somebody I don't like.

02:25:57.000 Right. 0.95

02:25:57.000 Whereas when I drink, I'm an ugly, angry drunk. 0.95

02:26:01.000 I'm a violent drunk. 0.98

02:26:02.000 I'm a self-destructive, physically drunk.

02:26:04.000 Do you think you still would be after 20 plus years?

02:26:06.000 I know for a fact.

02:26:06.000 Wow.

02:26:07.000 There's not a doubt in my mind.

02:26:09.000 Wow.

02:26:09.000 And I'm not giving the sobriety company line.

02:26:12.000 I just know how I think.

02:26:14.000 You know you.

02:26:15.000 And literally, after I shot Please Be Offended, which was over a year ago in Cleveland...

02:26:20.000 I wasn't happy with it.

02:26:22.000 And I'm like, I just wanted to hang myself in the closet. 0.99

02:26:24.000 And I was like, fuck, I put a belt up and I wasn't going to do it. 0.99

02:26:27.000 I knew I wasn't going to do it. 0.99

02:26:28.000 You put a belt up?

02:26:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:26:29.000 But I knew I wouldn't do it.

02:26:30.000 This is not some psychotic cry for help.

02:26:32.000 I knew it wasn't going to happen.

02:26:33.000 But I was so mad at myself. 1.00

02:26:35.000 I'm like, you fucking stink. 1.00

02:26:37.000 That all I could think about was just that feeling of my fucking throat being cut off. 1.00

02:26:41.000 Wow. 0.99

02:26:41.000 But I wound up editing the special with people and then liking it once it came out, like a little bit. 0.99

02:26:48.000 And then I saw it recently.

02:26:50.000 And I'm like, it was good. 1.00

02:26:51.000 Like, what's wrong with you, you fuck? 1.00

02:26:53.000 Like, I liked it a lot more. 1.00

02:26:55.000 This one I actually am very, very happy with immediately.

02:26:58.000 But the other one, it took a while, and I think I had just been doing the material a little longer than I should have, and by then I was done with it.

02:27:04.000 That does happen.

02:27:05.000 How long had you been doing that material for?

02:27:08.000 How many years?

02:27:08.000 Not too, too long.

02:27:09.000 A couple of years.

02:27:10.000 Two years?

02:27:10.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:27:11.000 But this one I shot ten months later.

02:27:13.000 That's nice.

02:27:13.000 I was ready to get this one.

02:27:15.000 I still miss the material now.

02:27:16.000 I loved doing it.

02:27:18.000 But I know how crazy I think and irrational in moments.

02:27:21.000 It's why I don't own a pistol.

02:27:22.000 It's why I don't...

02:27:23.000 Because I know I would have that one moment that you can't take back.

02:27:27.000 Yeah, I have real similar problems.

02:27:29.000 I don't think it's as extreme as you.

02:27:31.000 I don't have a problem with drinking or with drugs.

02:27:34.000 But I do have a lot of extremity.

02:27:37.000 I have a lot of impulses and a lot of craziness.

02:27:40.000 But I keep it under wraps.

02:27:43.000 That's one of the reasons why I have to work out.

02:27:45.000 I work out on a regular basis.

02:27:46.000 I need discipline in my life in order to keep order.

02:27:49.000 But if I got like that, whether it was...

02:27:52.000 Jerking off or if I got into a drug or it became like super impulsive like that I'd like to think that I would be able to pull myself back because I'm objective because I look at myself and I'm self-analyzed a lot but but I'm not that confident It's one of the reasons why I've never touched anything really addictive Besides alcohol, 0.97

02:28:11.000 which isn't addictive to me, but I've never fucked with anything that could get you. 0.96

02:28:16.000 Anthony's a fun drunk. 0.96

02:28:17.000 Anthony Cumia is a fun drunk.

02:28:20.000 I am not a fun drunk.

02:28:22.000 I'm not.

02:28:23.000 I'm sorry.

02:28:24.000 You're so much different than you were when you were 18, too.

02:28:27.000 That's very true, but because so many of these other feelings are still there.

02:28:31.000 I'm the drunk that all of a sudden, after four beers, my nose is down, but my eyes are up.

02:28:37.000 Remember in The Shining when Nicholson's wearing the maroon coat?

02:28:41.000 That's the look I have.

02:28:43.000 And I just don't trust it.

02:28:45.000 And the price to pay is just too much and it's not worth it.

02:28:48.000 Hey, nobody knows better than you.

02:28:49.000 My friend Tate's the same way.

02:28:51.000 He says, I can't.

02:28:52.000 He can't do anything.

02:28:53.000 He can't smoke a joint. 0.99

02:28:54.000 He goes, it might be great, but then I might wake up three days later not knowing how the fuck I got there. 0.99

02:28:59.000 And I don't miss it. 0.97

02:29:00.000 But I don't knock it either. 0.95

02:29:02.000 Like, you smoke pot and you have a horrendous career.

02:29:04.000 You're driven.

02:29:05.000 You're, I think, the best announcer in sports.

02:29:07.000 You have an amazing pot.

02:29:08.000 Like, literally, your life is very, very professional and functional and healthy.

02:29:13.000 You have a wife and kid.

02:29:14.000 Like, you do all these things and smoke pot and, like, for you it's cool.

02:29:18.000 If I could do that, gladly.

02:29:20.000 But I can't.

02:29:22.000 I just, I know I can't.

02:29:23.000 Not for any, you know, whatever.

02:29:25.000 We're just wired differently.

02:29:26.000 Everyone's wired differently, and people need to really recognize that.

02:29:29.000 I think it's a really important point.

02:29:32.000 For me, pot, it helps me.

02:29:34.000 Keeps me calm, makes me nicer, makes me more relaxed.

02:29:37.000 See, I wouldn't be productive, Stone.

02:29:40.000 Like, you're productive.

02:29:41.000 You smoke a joint and come in and talk for three hours.

02:29:43.000 If I took two hits of that, I would just look at the microphone. 1.00

02:29:48.000 Fucking dunce. 1.00

02:29:49.000 I would do nothing. 1.00

02:29:50.000 Yeah, but you don't need it.

02:29:52.000 For whatever it is.

02:29:53.000 For me, it gives me a perspective that's not available without the pot.

02:29:59.000 Obviously, I can get introspective.

02:30:01.000 I can think about things deeply without any help.

02:30:05.000 I don't need any marijuana or drugs.

02:30:07.000 But when I take them, I often feel like there's windows that are open that wouldn't be open ordinarily.

02:30:13.000 Carl Sagan had a quote about that.

02:30:15.000 Let me see if I can remember it because it's a fascinating quote because Carl Sagan is one of my favorite all-time science cats. 1.00

02:30:23.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 0.99

02:30:24.000 This is what he said. 1.00

02:30:25.000 I'm convinced that there are genuine and valid levels of perception available with cannabis and probably other drugs which are, through the defects of our society and our educational system, unavailable to us without such drugs.

02:30:37.000 It's an interesting quote.

02:30:38.000 Yeah.

02:30:39.000 But that's just me.

02:30:40.000 It's probably correct.

02:30:41.000 For me, marijuana lets me know what I actually want.

02:30:45.000 Like, it sounds ridiculous, but when I get high, if I enjoy something when I'm high, then I really enjoy it. 0.99

02:30:51.000 But if I get high and I'm like, ugh, get me away from this fucking thing. 0.97

02:30:54.000 Usually, that's my actual feelings about it. 0.97

02:30:57.000 Whether it's with people, or whether it enhances...

02:31:01.000 How I already feel about certain people.

02:31:03.000 It enhances how I already feel about food or about sex.

02:31:06.000 But that's just me.

02:31:08.000 It took me until I was 30 before I realized that pot even worked for me. 1.00

02:31:13.000 Before that, I thought it was all for idiots. 1.00

02:31:16.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

02:31:16.000 And again, I wish I could do it successfully, but I'm okay with the fact that I can't. 1.00

02:31:22.000 I would like to manage the sex shit better because I'm a better person when I'm not doing it. 0.99

02:31:28.000 I'm a more connected person. 0.99

02:31:29.000 I care about people, but I can become very uncaring and very distracted and very distant when I'm in that mode because it's addiction.

02:31:37.000 It's like any other addiction.

02:31:39.000 You're not present.

02:31:40.000 I hate that it makes me not present.

02:31:42.000 That's the big point, and that's what people who don't have an addiction will kind of never understand.

02:31:46.000 I've had many addictions. 0.87

02:31:48.000 I've had a lot of video game problems, behavioral type shit that really is just like a drug addiction. 0.96

02:31:55.000 It becomes an addiction. 0.96

02:31:57.000 A video game addiction might as well be a drug addiction.

02:31:59.000 And it's really similar to a sexual addiction.

02:32:01.000 It focuses you on something outside.

02:32:04.000 It's a zone out.

02:32:06.000 Sometimes it's just the zone out.

02:32:08.000 It's just the feeling numb, the numbness. 0.97

02:32:11.000 And it's like I like to think and I like to create and I like to fucking sit at my computer and write. 0.99

02:32:16.000 This is how a fucking pervert – like when I wrote my books, the second book especially, I wrote at the Comedy Cellar. 0.99

02:32:21.000 I would come up with stuff and I would write it in the cellar because I was surrounded by people so I couldn't jerk off. 1.00

02:32:28.000 Yeah.

02:32:28.000 Like, I had to be in a public place to sit on my laptop and write.

02:32:31.000 Like, you know what I mean?

02:32:32.000 I would just be in the corner writing because I could do enough instant messaging where I'd talk dirty. 1.00

02:32:36.000 So I could get a little dopamine drip, but I couldn't go the extra route, which was to fucking yank out my dick and just fucking sit. 1.00

02:32:43.000 My dick's soft. 1.00

02:32:44.000 I'm just yanking it against my dumb stomach. 1.00

02:32:46.000 Zone out, zone out, zone out. 0.99

02:32:48.000 Click, zone out.

02:32:49.000 Nothing real.

02:32:50.000 Nothing feeling good.

02:32:51.000 How many times a day would you say?

02:32:52.000 I wouldn't even come.

02:32:53.000 All day.

02:32:54.000 Have you ever thought about taking a laptop and disabling the Wi-Fi connection?

02:32:58.000 You could do that, you know?

02:32:59.000 You can, but I needed it for research, and I liked it. 0.99

02:33:02.000 Dang, with the fucking research. 0.98

02:33:03.000 Well, I know this is because I was bashing public figures, so I had to. 1.00

02:33:06.000 Oh, while you were writing?

02:33:08.000 Yeah, yeah, I had to.

02:33:08.000 Oh, yeah.

02:33:09.000 And sometimes you need that for reference, and I also like the distraction of it because it puts less pressure on me Like, even if it's on watching Black Sabbath videos.

02:33:16.000 Like, I'll go on YouTube and watch Sabbath live in fucking Melbourne again, because I feel like watching Ozzy sing God is Dead for the 5,000.

02:33:22.000 And that will distract me from it, and then creatively, like, oh, okay. 0.62

02:33:25.000 It allows me to step away for a second mentally, because I'm just forcing myself, you know, write, write, I can't write.

02:33:31.000 Have you ever thought about trying some other form of discipline, like yoga or something along those lines?

02:33:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:33:37.000 And I would say that yoga would keep you from being a sex addict, but the fucking head of Bikram's is getting sued like a motherfucker for rape and sexual assault and driving a Rolls Royce, a bunch of shit. 1.00

02:33:49.000 This guy's a fucking crazy gangster. 1.00

02:33:51.000 You ever seen pictures of him? 1.00

02:33:52.000 Yeah, I've seen one photo of him.

02:33:53.000 But look up Bikram sex scandal, something like that. 0.99

02:33:58.000 He dresses like a pimp. 0.99

02:33:59.000 Like, literally. 1.00

02:34:01.000 How do you fucking not become a sex addict when the girl in front of you is wearing cellophane pants and her fucking cunt is jumping out at you? 1.00

02:34:07.000 Looks like Al Jolson's face. 1.00

02:34:08.000 How do you not get turned on by that?

02:34:10.000 That's not him.

02:34:11.000 Is that him?

02:34:12.000 Yeah.

02:34:12.000 Yeah, that's not the image I was thinking of, but that's a good one.

02:34:15.000 Just thinking about him slinging that Indian dick all over that room. 1.00

02:34:18.000 Ugh. 1.00

02:34:21.000 Yoga is good.

02:34:22.000 I've tried Bikram.

02:34:23.000 Working out has helped a little bit.

02:34:25.000 I feel better about myself.

02:34:27.000 I'm more comfortable and confident.

02:34:29.000 I'm not where I want to be, but I'm much better than I was.

02:34:32.000 I feel like I see results. 0.98

02:34:34.000 I bet if you did yoga four or five days a week, you could fucking hold on. 0.99

02:34:38.000 I bet you could hold on a lot better. 0.98

02:34:39.000 Get a guy roommate take off all the doors in your place. 1.00

02:34:42.000 Probably. 0.99

02:34:43.000 No, you guys could just be jerking off in front of each other after a while. 1.00

02:34:46.000 Exactly. 1.00

02:34:46.000 We'd just sit back to back like a fucking rom-com poster. 1.00

02:34:49.000 Jerk off looking at the same laptop. 1.00

02:34:50.000 Yeah, do you think that prisoners, do they not jerk off because there's other prisoners around? 1.00

02:34:54.000 No, they just fucking do it. 1.00

02:34:56.000 They give up after a while. 0.99

02:34:58.000 Well, you talk to guys who worked at prisons, and they'll say they're peeking in the cells, and dudes are just jacking it, like, looking right at them.

02:35:03.000 Monster rain.

02:35:04.000 They don't care after a while.

02:35:05.000 Yeah, you just get used to it.

02:35:05.000 They just give up.

02:35:06.000 You just get used to it.

02:35:07.000 Yeah.

02:35:08.000 The human mind is so strange as far as, like, what really, like, gets us on a track.

02:35:14.000 And now it's so difficult to get off that track.

02:35:17.000 And that obsession, like, they just constantly wanted to find another video or another video or another video.

02:35:22.000 Yeah.

02:35:23.000 So it's a weird thing, man. 0.99

02:35:24.000 I do that shit all day long, too. 0.99

02:35:26.000 To me, it's maybe five or six times a day. 1.00

02:35:30.000 Those cam sites and these...

02:35:32.000 These amateur video sites like Submit Your Flicks, it's just gold.

02:35:37.000 It's nonstop.

02:35:39.000 Yeah, you're just not as self-aware as he is.

02:35:40.000 You're not trying to fix yourself.

02:35:42.000 He's realizing he's a mess, and you're like, I'm perfect.

02:35:46.000 I usually try to do it right when I wake up, where I didn't wash my hands good enough, and I was at Starbucks, and I had a little bit of lotion still on my hand when I was paying for my stuff.

02:35:55.000 Oh, good for you. 1.00

02:35:56.000 Fuck that. 1.00

02:35:57.000 Good boy. 1.00

02:35:58.000 Good for you, fuck that. 1.00

02:35:59.000 Yeah, fuck for washing the lotion off your hands. 1.00

02:36:01.000 Get it to the guy and stop it. 1.00

02:36:02.000 He's not going to thank you for the tip anyway. 1.00

02:36:03.000 You guys are both disgusting. 0.99

02:36:04.000 You're going to talk about the times you slimed people. 1.00

02:36:06.000 You know what? 0.97

02:36:06.000 I can't jerk off in the morning. 0.97

02:36:07.000 I can't do it. 0.99

02:36:08.000 I'm not sexual.

02:36:08.000 I'm too busy clearing out my sinuses and my phlegm.

02:36:11.000 Yeah, nothing. 0.99

02:36:11.000 I don't want to fuck in the morning. 0.99

02:36:12.000 I don't want to talk. 1.00

02:36:13.000 I smelled your load once, remember? 0.58

02:36:14.000 You picked it out of your belly button. 0.66

02:36:16.000 Oh, yeah.

02:36:16.000 Stuck your finger in it from the night before.

02:36:18.000 You're welcome.

02:36:18.000 Stuck it in front of my nose.

02:36:19.000 You're welcome.

02:36:20.000 Woo! 0.99

02:36:21.000 It's one thing if you smell your own, which is pretty disgusting. 0.66

02:36:24.000 But when you smell other people's... 0.99

02:36:26.000 I know I'm a disgusting person when I jerk off and I don't even bother cleaning up. 0.97

02:36:31.000 I just wipe it with my underwear and put them right back in my underwear. 0.97

02:36:34.000 And then I get up in the morning and take a leak and I smell...

02:36:36.000 It's usually on the road.

02:36:37.000 It's maintenance jerking off. 1.00

02:36:39.000 And then I get up in the morning on the road to piss and I lift up the toilet and pull my dick out. 1.00

02:36:43.000 What is that smell? 1.00

02:36:47.000 Sour milk. 1.00

02:36:48.000 Yeah, like the banks of a fucking polluted river. 0.99

02:36:51.000 It's all clumped up in the hair. 1.00

02:36:52.000 So gross.

02:36:53.000 Yeah, I'm very smooth, so I wipe it right off.

02:36:56.000 Wipe it right off.

02:36:56.000 Yeah, it comes right off.

02:36:58.000 If you could fix one aspect yourself, though, that's the thing that you would like to get on track, huh?

02:37:04.000 Absolutely, because I think it stops me career-wise.

02:37:06.000 Like, I have a good career where I enjoy where I'm at, but it allows me to stagnate on a level...

02:37:15.000 Where I should not be stagnating.

02:37:17.000 And it permits me to be comfortable where I shouldn't be comfortable.

02:37:20.000 And it's like a little safety, it's like a little security blanket where it shouldn't be.

02:37:24.000 Have you thought about getting maybe like a cock lock or one of those chastity belt locks where it has a key and you just get a key?

02:37:30.000 He would love that. 0.98

02:37:30.000 It would turn him on. 0.98

02:37:31.000 Yeah, I'd find something about that. 0.97

02:37:32.000 I would just get Mistress to put a strap-on on and spit on me. 1.00

02:37:35.000 Believe me. 0.96

02:37:36.000 There's always a way. 1.00

02:37:39.000 Do you still like that shit? 1.00

02:37:40.000 You're in a dominatrix. 1.00

02:37:42.000 Yeah, they're sexy.

02:37:43.000 I haven't in a while, but they can be very sexy, sure, if they're good.

02:37:48.000 If they know what they're doing.

02:37:50.000 You just like the whole dirtiness of it, right?

02:37:52.000 Absolutely, man.

02:37:53.000 I love the perversion.

02:37:55.000 I love a woman who can read me.

02:37:57.000 Every guy wants to be owned, whether you're dominant or submissive.

02:38:00.000 And when a woman can read me and anticipate what I want... 1.00

02:38:04.000 I love that.

02:38:06.000 He's getting so fired up!

02:38:07.000 But it's hot, man.

02:38:08.000 Can't you just enjoy that, though?

02:38:10.000 Why does it have to be an obsession?

02:38:12.000 Is there a balance that can be achieved here where you can just enjoy the sex and sexuality and just not tweak on it all day?

02:38:19.000 It's greed.

02:38:20.000 It's being greedy.

02:38:21.000 It's wanting, as they say, more than my share.

02:38:23.000 It's wanting more than my share of pleasure and more than my share of experiences.

02:38:26.000 It's walking to a candy store and not picking a candy bar. 1.00

02:38:29.000 It's grabbing for everything and then shoving it into my fucking face and then crying that I have a stomachache. 0.99

02:38:34.000 But you've got enough discipline to work out and lose all this weight. 0.99

02:38:37.000 Like, you've changed your body over the last six months or a year or so, right?

02:38:41.000 How much weight have you lost?

02:38:43.000 I mean, in the last year, I'd say close to 30. Your face, your body, everything looks totally different.

02:38:49.000 Yeah.

02:38:50.000 I think I'm like 146 now, 147. I was at one point, I was tapping out a lot in the 160s, hitting 170s.

02:38:58.000 At one point, a couple years ago, a few years ago, I was in the 180s.

02:39:01.000 I saw some pictures of myself. 0.99

02:39:02.000 Oh, what a fucking oinker. 1.00

02:39:04.000 That was really disgusting. 1.00

02:39:06.000 But it's good to remember that stuff.

02:39:07.000 And I feel much better.

02:39:09.000 But my eating is still not perfect, you know.

02:39:11.000 But it's nice, though, to get that under wraps, right?

02:39:13.000 You've handled that one aspect of your physicality.

02:39:16.000 You've got that out of control.

02:39:17.000 Yeah, but I have at least a pattern that's healthy for it.

02:39:19.000 I go to trainer sessions at least three, sometimes four days a week.

02:39:22.000 So, yeah.

02:39:23.000 Yeah, well, maybe you could figure out a way to just get another pattern.

02:39:27.000 Isn't that something your mother told you?

02:39:29.000 Replace something bad with something good?

02:39:31.000 She did.

02:39:31.000 Dr. Phil said that.

02:39:33.000 It's funny.

02:39:33.000 My mother on my second CD had left me that voicemail, and she was right.

02:39:36.000 Jimmy, why don't you go to the gym?

02:39:38.000 You meet a nice girl.

02:39:39.000 And she was right. 0.99

02:39:40.000 I have a fucking fart brewing right now. 0.99

02:39:44.000 I'm going to do it in the car with Jonathan. 0.99

02:39:46.000 It's going to be fucking putrid. 1.00

02:39:50.000 Hang it in there. 1.00

02:39:52.000 Much bigger you are in this picture.

02:39:53.000 This was in Vegas when Opie and Anthony was in Vegas.

02:39:56.000 So what year was this, like 2003?

02:39:58.000 Yeah, but I have a lot fatter than that.

02:40:00.000 Look up, I mean, that was even, that was bad.

02:40:04.000 Oh yeah, it's me and Deacon Jones.

02:40:06.000 I love that photo. 1.00

02:40:07.000 Yeah, I was a fucking pig there. 0.99

02:40:09.000 That was in Vegas too, right? 1.00

02:40:11.000 He was hanging out with us in Vegas, I remember that.

02:40:13.000 That was a fun show, that Vegas show.

02:40:15.000 Was that Vegas or California?

02:40:16.000 That was a California poker thing.

02:40:18.000 The poker thing.

02:40:20.000 That was when Anthony was playing, right?

02:40:22.000 Yeah.

02:40:24.000 Fun times.

02:40:24.000 And Opie stepped on Ed Asner's cake, theoretically.

02:40:27.000 Theoretically.

02:40:28.000 Metaphorically.

02:40:29.000 Ed Asner called him a destroyer.

02:40:31.000 It was hilarious.

02:40:33.000 Yeah, it was funny.

02:40:34.000 That was really fun.

02:40:36.000 Those shows that you guys used to do, how come you guys stopped doing them?

02:40:39.000 Those big comedy shows.

02:40:42.000 Well, we lost Terrestrial Radio, which I was happy for, but it became harder to do, and it became harder to get guys booked.

02:40:49.000 It just went away.

02:40:50.000 The merger happened, and things changed once we merged.

02:40:54.000 There were disadvantages to it, and there were advantages to it.

02:40:57.000 You know, I like being in our old studio at XM. The thing about Sirius I like is the guests we can get are much better because they're already in the building, so a lot of times we get people that we would not have gotten ever.

02:41:08.000 You know, there's been some great...

02:41:09.000 We're open to a much larger group of people now.

02:41:12.000 So, you know, the good with the bad.

02:41:14.000 Do you know what your numbers are?

02:41:15.000 No idea.

02:41:16.000 I probably could find out, but I don't ask because I just don't want to know because I don't want to be disappointed.

02:41:20.000 Right.

02:41:20.000 I just, I don't know.

02:41:21.000 I know I have a decent amount of followers and a decent amount of fans. 0.89

02:41:26.000 I have no fucking idea. 0.74

02:41:28.000 No, but I mean as far as like how many people listen to Opie and Anthony every day. 0.98

02:41:31.000 I don't even know how we'd find that out because there's no Arbitron diaries.

02:41:34.000 I think they do, but they don't want to tell us how to negotiate.

02:41:35.000 How could they know?

02:41:37.000 Because it's probably...

02:41:38.000 They send out surveys.

02:41:38.000 It's tuned in.

02:41:39.000 You have to be tuned into that frequency or that channel.

02:41:42.000 No, it doesn't tell you that way.

02:41:43.000 Nah.

02:41:44.000 I think through a lot of times they could do listener surveys, which I guess work like Arbitron Diaries, but I don't know, man.

02:41:50.000 So antiquated, isn't it? 0.99

02:41:51.000 Yeah, it's shitty. 0.99

02:41:52.000 I really think that if you weren't on it, you would have the biggest fucking podcast in the world. 0.99

02:41:56.000 Oh, no. 0.99

02:41:57.000 I really do.

02:41:57.000 I think you'd have a huge podcast.

02:41:59.000 I feel like I've been, and I'm not fishing.

02:42:01.000 I really mean, I feel like I'm boring when I talk too long. 0.93

02:42:03.000 I just can't, I fucking would be out of my mind. 0.95

02:42:05.000 I like to snipe. 1.00

02:42:06.000 I like to fucking sit there and watch fucking Greg and Tony do the heavy lifting, and I pipe in with, like you said, the fucking quick shots, or I fucking, I'm the fucking sniper in full metal jacket. 1.00

02:42:16.000 I'll just shoot a few bullets and then sit back and let them do the heavy lifting, and I like that. 0.99

02:42:20.000 Well, you guys have a great relationship, too.

02:42:21.000 You guys have been doing it together so long.

02:42:23.000 But I think if the three of you bailed together, I think you could maintain the exact same amount of income.

02:42:29.000 I think it would be the exact same amount of people listening, if not more.

02:42:33.000 I think that's the future.

02:42:35.000 There is the Opie and Anthony podcast.

02:42:37.000 Yeah, I was just about to bring that up.

02:42:38.000 Yes, we do have the podcast.

02:42:40.000 And how does that work?

02:42:42.000 It's on iTunes and a lot of times it's best of the week, plus a couple of old bits.

02:42:46.000 That's the cool part.

02:42:47.000 Yeah, there's an old bit in there.

02:42:49.000 It's basically just to get people, because they don't want to give away content either.

02:42:53.000 It's just to get people who have heard of the show to check it out and see if they like it.

02:42:58.000 But a lot of times the fans already have the content because they've heard it already.

02:43:02.000 Well, I'm going to tell you this, man.

02:43:03.000 If it wasn't for you guys, I don't think I would have ever started a podcast.

02:43:07.000 And if it wasn't for Anthony doing Live from the Compound, Brian and I would have never started doing that Ustream show, the show that kind of started it out.

02:43:15.000 And before that, what was it?

02:43:17.000 Justin TV? We did a few of those.

02:43:19.000 The Green Rooms?

02:43:19.000 Yeah, we did a few of those in the Green Rooms.

02:43:21.000 We kind of had an idea of doing something like this a long time ago.

02:43:23.000 But seeing...

02:43:24.000 Anthony Do It from his place really motivated me because Anthony set up a green screen and put a professional desk in there and had professional microphones and cameras.

02:43:34.000 I mean he really went balls out. 0.97

02:43:35.000 He told me he spent like a stupid amount of money to convert the downstairs of his house into a recording studio and this is a guy who already has a fucking full-time gig. 1.00

02:43:44.000 And if you've never seen Live from the Compound, he did some with his ex-girlfriend, Melissa, where he would get fucking shit-faced hammered. 1.00

02:43:52.000 He would do karaoke while holding a machine gun. 0.99

02:43:55.000 Oh yeah, I love that.

02:43:56.000 He was hammered!

02:43:59.000 And he would take calls.

02:44:00.000 I called in once.

02:44:02.000 I was watching, I was like, this is amazing.

02:44:05.000 And he was just hammered.

02:44:06.000 Hammered, drinking wine, holding it up.

02:44:09.000 Loving it.

02:44:10.000 Well, the fun thing is he accomplished all that and he built that studio.

02:44:13.000 All this while, like you said, doing a full-time gig and drinking like William Holden. 0.99

02:44:17.000 And I'm fucking jerking off and I can't get myself to fucking motivate. 0.99

02:44:20.000 That's humiliating to me. 1.00

02:44:22.000 I've watched Anthony build that studio.

02:44:24.000 I'm like, look at what he's doing.

02:44:26.000 I can't even rearrange my apartment. 0.97

02:44:28.000 I fucking just stagnate. 0.98

02:44:29.000 Start and don't finish. 0.99

02:44:30.000 Start and don't finish.

02:44:31.000 Start and don't finish. 1.00

02:44:32.000 I fucking hate it. 0.98

02:44:33.000 Yeah, I had always had this idea to do something like that after seeing him do it. 0.98

02:44:38.000 His thing was so interesting because at the time when he was doing that, nobody was doing something live on Ustream, like professionally.

02:44:46.000 He would have different backgrounds.

02:44:48.000 He could have a background that was like the city. 0.65

02:44:50.000 Because the green screen, he could switch the background and turn it into whatever the fuck he wanted, which was so badass.

02:44:55.000 It's a great idea.

02:44:56.000 And when he does it, when he eventually just turns it on and pots up the mics.

02:45:00.000 Anytime he wants.

02:45:01.000 Yeah.

02:45:01.000 He just goes downstairs and hits a switch, and boom, you know?

02:45:04.000 And then Brian set up the place at the Ice House, and that's like the natural progression of setting this place up.

02:45:10.000 I need a technical partnership with somebody.

02:45:12.000 I need somebody in New York who can technically, like when I come up with an idea...

02:45:16.000 Yeah, obviously, but then Rich would intellectually just take it and make it so much better as well.

02:45:20.000 His intellect would dominate it.

02:45:23.000 What can't Sirius?

02:45:24.000 Don't they have sound guys?

02:45:25.000 No, I don't mean with that.

02:45:26.000 I mean with somebody independent.

02:45:27.000 Because I want to do a talk show.

02:45:29.000 I love interviewing people.

02:45:31.000 I love it.

02:45:32.000 And I want to do that.

02:45:33.000 Well, that's what a podcast is.

02:45:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:45:35.000 But I want to do it on TV. I want to do it on TV if I can.

02:45:38.000 Oh, you did.

02:45:38.000 You let it out.

02:45:39.000 I couldn't help it.

02:45:40.000 It was beginning to cause me great pain.

02:45:41.000 It was like a secret.

02:45:45.000 So I would like to do that on TV. So you want to do it on, like, FX or something like that?

02:45:49.000 Well, FX has Kamau Bell.

02:45:50.000 Nah, they have him five nights a week now.

02:45:51.000 They would have no interest in it.

02:45:52.000 But I mean like that, something like that kind of a show.

02:45:53.000 Sure, I'd love to.

02:45:54.000 It's fun.

02:45:54.000 I think it's a fun thing to do, and I would like to do it.

02:45:58.000 Yeah, that does seem like a fun thing to do.

02:46:01.000 And you would have access to a lot of really fascinating people by doing something like that, too.

02:46:04.000 I think so, yeah.

02:46:05.000 And again, I like to talk to people and interview them.

02:46:08.000 It's fun to do.

02:46:11.000 It's really fun to...

02:46:12.000 We were talking to Ben Kingsley one time.

02:46:14.000 I'm like, how great is this?

02:46:15.000 He has to answer my questions. 1.00

02:46:17.000 If I bumped into him at a fucking Oscar party, he'd spit on me. 0.99

02:46:20.000 But here he is sitting next to me going, oh, yes, yes, because he doesn't want to look bad. 0.99

02:46:24.000 That's the cool part about it.

02:46:26.000 Yeah, and especially if they come in specifically to sit down with you for X amount of time.

02:46:32.000 You know, you could really dig into somebody if you're talking to them for an hour, two hours, or whatever it would be.

02:46:37.000 Yeah, I think, you know what would be great if you did like a Bob Costas type thing?

02:46:41.000 Remember Bob Costas had Later with Bob Costas?

02:46:43.000 Oh, yeah.

02:46:44.000 And it was just real simple.

02:46:46.000 It was like him at a desk with a person who'd sit down with them for a full hour.

02:46:50.000 You know?

02:46:50.000 I don't know if I can hold the audience for an hour.

02:46:52.000 I want to do sketches too that I pre-shoot.

02:46:54.000 Like I have some things I wanted to do.

02:46:56.000 So you want to essentially host a Tonight Show type situation.

02:46:58.000 Yeah, but nothing that quite that structured or that, you know what I mean?

02:47:02.000 It would have to have a much different feeling than that.

02:47:04.000 But would you want to do it like Showtime style, uncensored?

02:47:07.000 Oh yeah.

02:47:08.000 So that's what you'd want to do.

02:47:09.000 Absolutely.

02:47:10.000 Yeah.

02:47:10.000 Just say whatever I want.

02:47:11.000 Yeah, you gotta do it on Showtime then, or HBO, either one of those.

02:47:14.000 Or a bunch of other cable channels, where there's a couple of language issues, but not many.

02:47:18.000 Like, there's a million channels now.

02:47:20.000 Yeah.

02:47:20.000 They're starting to open up, and a lot of people don't realize the FCC doesn't control cable.

02:47:24.000 Right. 0.99

02:47:24.000 They only control broadcast television, NBC, CBS, that kind of shit. 0.99

02:47:29.000 When you get to cable, they essentially self-impose. 0.98

02:47:32.000 For the advertisers, yeah.

02:47:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:47:34.000 Some of them, that's why, like, The Shield was able to say, shit, and asshole, and everybody was like, what the hell? 1.00

02:47:39.000 They didn't go fuck. 1.00

02:47:40.000 They don't go as far as fuck. 1.00

02:47:41.000 But they can. 0.99

02:47:42.000 Did you like The Shield?

02:47:43.000 Spike did. 0.98

02:47:44.000 I never saw The Shield.

02:47:45.000 I heard it's great.

02:47:46.000 Loved it.

02:47:46.000 I'm a Wire fanatic and people tell me you'll like this.

02:47:48.000 Have you ever seen The Wire?

02:47:49.000 I only watched a couple episodes of The Wire.

02:47:51.000 I need to get back to it.

02:47:52.000 People always tell me that it's the greatest show ever.

02:47:54.000 It's my favorite show ever.

02:47:55.000 It's a masterpiece.

02:47:57.000 I think Game of Thrones is my favorite show ever.

02:47:59.000 I love Game of Thrones too.

02:48:00.000 The Wire's better?

02:48:02.000 I thought so, yeah.

02:48:03.000 It was realistic about drug dealing, and I just, I loved it.

02:48:07.000 And I love the characters.

02:48:08.000 I'll check it out, little Jimmy.

02:48:10.000 And your special, when does it come out?

02:48:12.000 August 23rd, thank you, on epics and epicshd.com.

02:48:17.000 You can get, just sign up for a trial if you want to watch it online, if your cable provider doesn't carry Epics.

02:48:21.000 Where'd you record that?

02:48:23.000 I shot it in...

02:48:25.000 It looks like the tabernacle in...

02:48:27.000 Oh, that's in...

02:48:28.000 No, it's in Somerville, Mass.

02:48:31.000 Somerville?

02:48:32.000 A couple weeks before the bombing.

02:48:33.000 I wish it was after the bombing because I would have addressed it.

02:48:35.000 Would you really?

02:48:36.000 Of course.

02:48:37.000 I would have mocked the bombers. 1.00

02:48:38.000 Yeah, I was talking about those fucking... 1.00

02:48:40.000 Yeah, I was talking about kicking their mother in the cunt and fuck them. 1.00

02:48:43.000 Yeah, I was bashing them. 1.00

02:48:45.000 Kicking their mother in the cunt. 1.00

02:48:46.000 Yeah, her womb is a terror camp. 1.00

02:48:48.000 Yeah, I had a whole bunch of fun with that. 1.00

02:48:49.000 They're shitty fucking brothers. 1.00

02:48:52.000 So it's on Epyx. 1.00

02:48:53.000 When's the date again?

02:48:54.000 August 23rd.

02:48:56.000 And it re-airs a lot.

02:48:57.000 And if you get the trial online, you can watch it whenever you want.

02:49:00.000 Ah, beautiful.

02:49:01.000 And I'm happy with it, man.

02:49:01.000 So that's Epyx.com?

02:49:03.000 EpyxHD.com.

02:49:04.000 EpyxHD.com.

02:49:05.000 And Jim Norton on Twitter is Jim Norton.

02:49:08.000 Yes. 1.00

02:49:09.000 So follow him, you dirty fucker. 1.00

02:49:10.000 Thank you. 1.00

02:49:14.000 Thank you.

02:49:15.000 Thank you.

02:49:27.000 It was really important, and I think it was really important that you did it.

02:49:30.000 Thank you.

02:49:30.000 I actually liked her too, and I'm not saying that to be polite.

02:49:33.000 I genuinely liked her, and we talked after on the phone, and she's actually really nice.

02:49:36.000 She's not some psychotic man.

02:49:37.000 I bet she is.

02:49:38.000 You know, I think that a lot of our takes on these things, a lot of the interaction that we have, whether it's blog to blog or Twitter to Twitter, it's such a limited way of communicating.

02:49:47.000 And a lot of these same people that we have disagreements with online, if we sat down with them in a rational, sort of normal setting like this, and just talked...

02:49:56.000 We would probably see each other's point a lot better and have some healthy discussions about these things as opposed to these snipe attacks that people like to do in blogs or in Twitter and go back and forth with each other.

02:50:12.000 I agree with you.

02:50:27.000 Regardless of which side you take. 1.00

02:50:29.000 Alright, that's it, fuckers. 1.00

02:50:30.000 Thank you, Joe. 1.00

02:50:31.000 Thank you.

02:50:31.000 And thanks to Squarespace.com.

02:50:34.000 Go to Squarespace.com and use the code word JOE and the number 8 all together, one word, JOE8, and save yourself some cash, son, on a beautiful, self-constructed website.

02:50:46.000 And remember, it's super easy to do, so easy that they'll let you try doing it first before you even use your credit card information.

02:50:52.000 Thanks also to Audible.com.

02:50:54.000 If you go to Audible.com forward slash Joe, you will get one free audio book and 30 free days of Audible service. 0.99

02:51:03.000 Oh, shit! 0.92

02:51:04.000 We are also brought to you by Onnit.com. 0.99

02:51:06.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:51:13.000 I'm trying to do Uncle Creepy this week.

02:51:15.000 That's Ian McCall.

02:51:16.000 I'm going to see if I can get him in here before I take off from Boston.

02:51:20.000 And we've got some other people in town too.

02:51:23.000 Maybe Brian Callen wants to do one as well.

02:51:25.000 Can I drop a date real quick?

02:51:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:51:26.000 I'm going to be with Tony Hinchclip in Stand Up Live September 26th.

02:51:31.000 You can go to StandUpLive.com.

02:51:33.000 That's in Phoenix, Arizona, you freaks. 0.52

02:51:35.000 Alright, we love you guys and we'll see you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 12, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #383 - Jim Norton

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