The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #392 - David Choe

00:00:03.000 Hey, fuckers. 1.00

00:00:05.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:00:07.000 I am right now in the middle of tweeting this out.

00:00:12.000 It's just David Cho, right?

00:00:14.000 You don't have anything special?

00:00:16.000 No.

00:00:17.000 People with crafty Twitter names are a real problem.

00:00:21.000 Or the underscore? 1.00

00:00:22.000 They just have to kill that underscore shit. 1.00

00:00:23.000 What's your username? 1.00

00:00:24.000 Underscore name.

00:00:26.000 Being named David Cho and being Korean is like being named John Smith. 0.99

00:00:30.000 Yeah.

00:00:30.000 I went to school with three David Cho's.

00:00:33.000 Yeah, I knew a few David Cho's because I grew up doing Taekwondo and there was a lot of David Cho's.

00:00:38.000 A lot of Korean kids knew David Cho's. 0.98

00:00:39.000 And I'm late to the social media game, so when I wanted Twitter at David Cho, I was fucked. 0.92

00:00:45.000 So what is your Twitter? 0.97

00:00:47.000 Well, I mean, they gave it to me.

00:00:48.000 They gave it to you?

00:00:49.000 Yeah.

00:00:49.000 Oh, so they ganked it from somebody?

00:00:51.000 They ganked it.

00:00:51.000 Some not-so-famous David Cho?

00:00:53.000 Well, someone, like, whenever there's a new social media thing, someone just grabs it, and then I get the email.

00:00:57.000 Hey, you want this?

00:00:58.000 You want to buy it off me?

00:01:00.000 Oh, right.

00:01:00.000 And I'm like, no, I'll just be David Cho 1, David Cho 69. I got super lucky with Twitter.

00:01:07.000 I got lucky.

00:01:08.000 There was like one dude who got the Joe Rogan one, but he wasn't used.

00:01:11.000 Joe Rogan is sort of a basic name too, right?

00:01:13.000 Yeah, there's a guy named Joe Rogan that's a real estate agent.

00:01:16.000 Right.

00:01:16.000 He's in Idaho.

00:01:19.000 He owns JoeRogan.com.

00:01:21.000 Right.

00:01:21.000 And he wanted to sell it, but it was a bit pricey.

00:01:24.000 He's a very nice guy.

00:01:25.000 He's got a legitimate claim to it.

00:01:27.000 What did he want for it?

00:01:28.000 A lot of money.

00:01:29.000 Like a million dollars?

00:01:30.000 No, not that much money.

00:01:32.000 But enough that it was a lot.

00:01:33.000 I forget.

00:01:34.000 I don't have a beef with the guy.

00:01:36.000 Because it's his website.

00:01:38.000 It's his name. 0.94

00:01:39.000 The idea that it's mine more than it is his is ridiculous. 0.67

00:01:43.000 He owns it.

00:01:44.000 He's Joe Rogan as well.

00:01:45.000 That's his name.

00:01:47.000 But I'm sure it's confusing.

00:01:50.000 No, it was cool.

00:01:51.000 I was chodating for a while, and someone at Twitter sent me an email and said, hey, do you want...

00:01:56.000 I was like, yeah. 0.99

00:01:57.000 And I thought, fuck, I'll take it. 1.00

00:01:59.000 It's easy. 1.00

00:02:00.000 I'm blacklisted on Twitter.

00:02:01.000 It used to be so easy to get Redband on everything, and now I can't get it on anything.

00:02:04.000 And they still won't verify me, and yet there's like a million fake Redbands.

00:02:09.000 Like, there's even fake Redbands selling fake Redband shirts.

00:02:11.000 Wait, I don't understand what you said.

00:02:12.000 It used to be easy to get Redband?

00:02:13.000 It used to be really easy to get Redband on everything, like MySpace, Facebook, whatever.

00:02:19.000 But now it's like everyone takes my name, my fake name.

00:02:22.000 Yeah, you gotta expect that though.

00:02:24.000 And then Twitter, there's like a million fake red bands.

00:02:26.000 There's even fake red bands selling fake red band shirts.

00:02:29.000 And Twitter won't verify me, so it's just a heyday with my red band name.

00:02:33.000 They don't like you.

00:02:34.000 Yeah, but it's easy.

00:02:34.000 Which one says Redband?

00:02:36.000 Which one has 100,000 fucking friends? 0.99

00:02:39.000 That's the real one. 1.00

00:02:39.000 Yeah, but there's still idiots like, is this Twitter? 1.00

00:02:41.000 Of course. 1.00

00:02:41.000 Redband wants... 1.00

00:02:42.000 You're always going to have that.

00:02:43.000 You have to just accept that.

00:02:45.000 It's just a part of the... 0.99

00:02:47.000 Why am I blacklisted on Twitter and on whatever that other shit? 0.97

00:02:51.000 Wikipedia. 0.98

00:02:51.000 You're not blacklisted. 0.98

00:02:53.000 They just don't accept you.

00:02:54.000 It means you're doing something right, dude.

00:02:56.000 Whatever it is.

00:02:56.000 It's a nice compliment.

00:02:57.000 If you were on any other show...

00:02:59.000 If you were on a television show and you were one of the guest stars on the television show, that would be listed in Wikipedia, most likely.

00:03:08.000 I would imagine.

00:03:10.000 I want the funniest Instagrammer by LA Weekly.

00:03:12.000 That's not bad, man.

00:03:14.000 If you were on one legit TV show, like if you did an episode of Stand Up on The Tonight Show...

00:03:19.000 If you did one thing, then they'd probably put you on Wiki.

00:03:23.000 You could do that too, you know.

00:03:24.000 Alright, so I'm going to go do Leno this week.

00:03:25.000 That would be really interesting.

00:03:27.000 See you do Leno. 0.99

00:03:29.000 Oh shit. 0.98

00:03:29.000 See what material you could do on Leno and what that experience would be like. 0.98

00:03:32.000 The last episode of Leno, that would be awesome.

00:03:34.000 Because he would be like, I don't care.

00:03:35.000 And you just tank it. 1.00

00:03:38.000 Just freak those fucking people out. 1.00

00:03:41.000 Talk about fucking dolphins on the Leno show. 1.00

00:03:43.000 Yeah, don't do that, man. 0.99

00:03:45.000 Anyway, this episode of the podcast is brought to you neither by The Jay Leno Show, nor by any of the other David Cho's, or any of the other Joe Rogans.

00:03:55.000 Much love to all of you people.

00:03:57.000 We're brought to you by Stamps.com, this episode is.

00:04:01.000 Stamps.com is an excellent resource for, if you have your own business, managing it out of your home as far as sending things out.

00:04:09.000 If you're trying to sell things and sell them over the internet and send them yourself...

00:04:14.000 Most of the time what you have to do is you have to go to the post office, you have to wait in line, and it's really annoying.

00:04:19.000 And they figured out a way to make that much easier.

00:04:22.000 You can do it from your home.

00:04:22.000 You do it from your computer.

00:04:23.000 They give you a digital scale.

00:04:25.000 They tell you how to do it.

00:04:26.000 You print it up on your own printer.

00:04:28.000 You print up your postage, and then the postman comes and takes it away, and you're done. 1.00

00:04:31.000 You cut out so much of the bullshit of going there and waiting in line and dealing with someone who doesn't want to wait your dumb shit. 1.00

00:04:40.000 You can do it all yourself. 1.00

00:04:41.000 Get a free digital scale that you should never use for illegal, non-government-sanctioned drugs.

00:04:48.000 I say don't use it for that, but if you want to find out, what does a beer weigh in the bottle?

00:04:52.000 And you weigh it, that's legal.

00:04:54.000 Beer's a legal drug.

00:04:56.000 And so we support that at Stamps.com. 1.00

00:04:59.000 But don't be weighing your mushrooms, you fucks. 1.00

00:05:02.000 You weirdos. 1.00

00:05:03.000 Plus you need something a little more accurate.

00:05:05.000 You need something really, really accurate for that.

00:05:08.000 You don't want to be lying about mushrooms.

00:05:10.000 That could be some awful karma.

00:05:12.000 If you were selling mushrooms and you were underdosing people...

00:05:15.000 I think about dosing my parents all the time.

00:05:18.000 That's probably a good idea.

00:05:19.000 Don't do it through stamps.com though.

00:05:24.000 There's a little old-timey microphone in the upper right-hand corner.

00:05:27.000 If you click on it and use the code word JRE, you get a no-risk trial plus a $110 bonus offer, including a digital scale and up to $55 for free postage.

00:05:39.000 And we have personal experience with this company because this is exactly how Brian sends out his t-shirts.

00:05:45.000 So t-shirts from deskwad.tv, which are all Brian's original art.

00:05:50.000 He sends those out through Stamps.com.

00:05:52.000 Does it all through his office.

00:05:53.000 So it's super easy. 0.94

00:05:55.000 If a knucklehead like Brian can do it, you can too. 0.94

00:06:00.000 Right, Brian? 0.99

00:06:01.000 Yes.

00:06:01.000 Alright, code words JRE for this special offer.

00:06:04.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:06:06.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. And I sound like a robot repeating myself over and over again for this. 0.98

00:06:15.000 But there's no way around it.

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00:06:17.000 The primal bells are the kettlebells that were designed by an artist to look like gorillas and chimpanzees and now orangutans. 0.99

00:06:26.000 And they're fucking badass. 0.87

00:06:28.000 And they're fun to work out with because they're all legit and balanced out. 0.98

00:06:33.000 But they're fun because they look like something that might be fucking you up.

00:06:39.000 It's terrifying.

00:06:41.000 Steven Shubin Jr. is the dude who did the artwork on them.

00:06:44.000 He did a badass job.

00:06:46.000 And they're really well balanced, too.

00:06:49.000 That was super important.

00:06:50.000 Although they're these strange shapes, we had to make sure that we kept it balanced.

00:06:56.000 So that it doesn't change what a kettlebell workout should be.

00:07:00.000 Even though it looks cool, it doesn't change it.

00:07:03.000 So check that out at Onnit.com along with all of our various supplements including Testosterone Boosting T+. You ever take a Testosterone Booster?

00:07:13.000 I injected myself and ran across the border from Tijuana to the US. It was amazing.

00:07:24.000 The Tijuana police even stopped us and they looked at us and they're like, what are you idiots doing? 1.00

00:07:30.000 It was amazing. 0.99

00:07:33.000 That won't happen through T Plus, ladies and gentlemen.

00:07:37.000 David Cho was taking a walk on the wild side.

00:07:40.000 He was hanging out at that place that Cheech was running.

00:07:44.000 You remember from, what was that movie with George Clooney, the vampire movie?

00:07:48.000 Oh, Dust Till Dawn.

00:07:49.000 Dust Till Dawn.

00:07:50.000 Remember that?

00:07:50.000 Yeah.

00:07:51.000 Of course.

00:07:52.000 It was a great movie.

00:07:53.000 A great movie.

00:07:54.000 Harvey Keitel had a Korean son in that movie. 1.00

00:07:56.000 I was like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:07:56.000 And it was almost like two different movies. 0.99

00:07:59.000 Yeah.

00:08:00.000 It was like there was this really intense, dramatic movie with this super violent guy and his brother.

00:08:06.000 Right.

00:08:07.000 Who was trying to keep everything under control.

00:08:09.000 It was two separate movies.

00:08:10.000 And then all of a sudden there's this wild, crazy monster movie that's really fun.

00:08:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:08:14.000 Quentin Tarantino is the baddest motherfucker of all time. 1.00

00:08:16.000 He's pretty bad. 1.00

00:08:17.000 When it comes to movies...

00:08:18.000 That was a Robert Rodriguez movie, right?

00:08:20.000 Yeah, but it was amazing.

00:08:23.000 Yeah.

00:08:23.000 Quentin Tarantino in that, that's one of my favorite roles of any actor ever playing ever.

00:08:29.000 He knows how to play that creepy murderer dude so fucking good. 0.97

00:08:33.000 It's like bone chilling when you watch that. 0.99

00:08:36.000 You really believe.

00:08:37.000 Anybody who says that Quentin Tarantino can't act, you need to watch him in that movie. 1.00

00:08:41.000 If you give him the right role, that motherfucker can act his ass off. 0.99

00:08:45.000 That was a great movie. 1.00

00:08:46.000 That does till dawn, man. 0.97

00:08:47.000 He fucking creeped me out because I got new dudes like him. 0.96

00:08:52.000 You did? 0.97

00:08:53.000 Yeah, there's dudes like that that cross your path in life.

00:08:56.000 You'd say, I'm going to go out and get a snack, and you come back, and they just murdered everybody in the room.

00:09:01.000 There's a dude that I used to train when I was a kid.

00:09:03.000 I was really young.

00:09:04.000 I was like 18 and 19. And he was a hitman.

00:09:08.000 He was a hitman for local gangsters, Irish gangsters.

00:09:13.000 Yeah, and he wound up doing time.

00:09:15.000 He wound up getting caught for it.

00:09:17.000 And he used to come to my Taekwondo school and he would just like straight ask you how you would kill somebody if you were going to kill somebody.

00:09:26.000 He had a crude martial arts background.

00:09:28.000 He was a very big, powerful guy.

00:09:30.000 But this guy, I knew something was up.

00:09:32.000 He would ask you how you would kill someone or you would ask him?

00:09:35.000 He was learning how to fight.

00:09:36.000 He wanted to learn. 0.99

00:09:37.000 Oh, he wanted to know how to kill someone. 0.98

00:09:38.000 He wanted to know. 0.96

00:09:39.000 He would just flat out ask you.

00:09:41.000 He would take the black belts and like, what would you do? 0.88

00:09:43.000 If you're going to kill somebody, how would you kill somebody?

00:09:45.000 And I was like, wow, this guy's pretty intense. 1.00

00:09:47.000 And then we find out years later, he was a fucking hitman. 1.00

00:09:51.000 Wow. 1.00

00:09:52.000 So you taught him how to kill? 0.77

00:09:53.000 Not really. 0.98

00:09:54.000 He already knew how to kill people, trust me. 1.00

00:09:57.000 Or at least knew how to fuck you up. 1.00

00:09:59.000 He wanted to tighten up his martial arts technique, but it was just interesting. 0.99

00:10:05.000 Running into a guy like that that you know is just not playing by the rules we're all playing by.

00:10:09.000 We're playing by the be nice rules.

00:10:11.000 Most of us on this planet are playing by the be nice rules.

00:10:14.000 I want friends.

00:10:15.000 I don't want anybody to hate me.

00:10:17.000 You want friends.

00:10:17.000 You're a nice person.

00:10:19.000 When we run into people, we're just trying to be nice to each other.

00:10:21.000 For the most part.

00:10:22.000 For the most part.

00:10:23.000 But every now and then, you run into a dude who's not playing that game. 0.88

00:10:27.000 You can run into a crazy person.

00:10:29.000 For instance, I went on a hike today.

00:10:31.000 It's 3 o'clock right now.

00:10:33.000 I was like, let's go on a hike.

00:10:35.000 And I go hiking with Critter, the guy out there.

00:10:38.000 I don't know how we got onto this subject matter, but while we're walking down the thing, we got into an argument. 1.00

00:10:44.000 And he's like, fuck you, I could rape you if I wanted to right now. 1.00

00:10:47.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:10:48.000 I was like... 1.00

00:10:50.000 Who said that to you? 0.64

00:10:51.000 Critter, the guy sitting out there.

00:10:52.000 Oh, that's uncomfortable.

00:10:54.000 And I go, what'd you just say? 0.99

00:10:57.000 He's like, I could rape you right now because we're hiking. 1.00

00:10:59.000 He's like, I'll throw you in the bushes right now. 1.00

00:11:00.000 I'll rip your legs up and I'll fuck. 1.00

00:11:01.000 Wow. 1.00

00:11:02.000 And Critter, he can beat the shit out of anybody. 0.99

00:11:04.000 I get that. 0.98

00:11:05.000 And overpowering me?

00:11:07.000 Yes, he could overpower me.

00:11:08.000 But, like...

00:11:10.000 That's a weird thing for a friend to say.

00:11:12.000 It's a weird thing to say to a friend.

00:11:13.000 And also...

00:11:14.000 So then we got into it, you know?

00:11:16.000 Of course.

00:11:17.000 And... 0.72

00:11:18.000 I'm like, okay, if I went to prison or even if Critter's trying to rape me in the mountains right now...

00:11:23.000 Okay, physically you get me down. 0.87

00:11:27.000 I'm fighting you.

00:11:28.000 You hold my legs down. 0.99

00:11:29.000 You punch him in my face. 1.00

00:11:30.000 You rip my pants down. 1.00

00:11:32.000 Now you've overpowered me. 0.57

00:11:33.000 I'm still fighting you, whatever.

00:11:35.000 But I was like...

00:11:36.000 It takes a special kind of guy. 1.00

00:11:40.000 There's a guy that will kill you. 1.00

00:11:41.000 There's a guy that will beat the shit out of you. 1.00

00:11:44.000 But like... 1.00

00:11:45.000 Like, Joe's, you're a fighter, and you could probably beat the shit out of me, but you're like, I want to rape Dave Cho. 1.00

00:11:52.000 You're like, I want, could you, like, even get your dick hard to do that? 1.00

00:11:55.000 I don't think I could. 1.00

00:11:56.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:11:57.000 You think you could? 1.00

00:11:58.000 I'm just kidding. 1.00

00:11:58.000 Brian, Brian could just be excited about the possibility of being a guy alive that he could rape. 1.00

00:12:04.000 That'd be awesome! 0.99

00:12:05.000 Because you see it in prison movies, and you're like, we need to show, you know, it's the most embarrassing, humiliating thing you could do to a man.

00:12:12.000 Hey, we're supposed to start some music, but let's not.

00:12:15.000 Let's just keep talking.

00:12:16.000 This podcast has begun.

00:12:18.000 Okay. 1.00

00:12:19.000 Oni.com, go fuck yourself, whatever. 1.00

00:12:21.000 And I'm like, what, like... 1.00

00:12:26.000 That takes this kind of guy that you're talking about, the hitman kind of guy.

00:12:29.000 It takes a little bit more than that.

00:12:31.000 It takes most likely someone who's probably been molested themselves.

00:12:34.000 What are you going to... 1.00

00:12:34.000 Okay, so you're trying to ultimately beat me physically and then humiliate me, but then you still have to get your dick hard to get it into my butthole. 1.00

00:12:44.000 Yeah, it's an odd thing to be proud of. 1.00

00:12:47.000 I think if you're a man and you're doing that, there's a lot of those guys that have probably been molested.

00:12:52.000 They've probably been...

00:12:54.000 I mean, they say that That's one of the big factors for child molesting is people who were molested themselves as a child. 0.99

00:13:02.000 I'm not saying that that's child molesting, but fucking rape like that, but it's kind of akin to. 0.99

00:13:07.000 Right. 0.99

00:13:08.000 It's the number one fear if you're going to go to prison.

00:13:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:12.000 Sons of Anarchy just started.

00:13:13.000 The new season, right?

00:13:16.000 Right.

00:13:16.000 Amazing.

00:13:17.000 It starts with Otto getting buttfucked. 0.99

00:13:21.000 How rude. 0.95

00:13:22.000 And he's the creator of the show, I think. 0.98

00:13:26.000 So that means he okayed himself getting buttfucked. 0.97

00:13:30.000 Okayed it? 0.98

00:13:30.000 The guy probably wrote it in. 0.98

00:13:31.000 Yeah, he wrote it in.

00:13:32.000 With a big smile on his face. 0.97

00:13:33.000 So he's getting buttfucked, and I'm like... 0.97

00:13:36.000 I'm like... 0.97

00:13:37.000 And then the guy implies this is gonna go down on the regular every day now. 0.81

00:13:41.000 So if you know every morning you're gonna get buttfucked, at what point do you just...

00:13:46.000 Give up, like, even fighting it. 1.00

00:13:48.000 You're just like, do you shit yourself every morning so that the guy has to stick his dick, like, through, like... 1.00

00:13:53.000 I bet he's not that shy. 1.00

00:13:55.000 I bet shit's not gonna scare him off. 0.99

00:13:57.000 If I had to take a wild guess. 1.00

00:13:58.000 Right. 1.00

00:13:58.000 Any guy who's trying to fuck you in the butt every day. 1.00

00:14:01.000 That guy's not, like, discerning. 1.00

00:14:03.000 Learn to like it, you know?

00:14:04.000 Day two, day three, do you just...

00:14:06.000 He could.

00:14:07.000 That could be the non-passive Buddha approach.

00:14:09.000 Learn to like and learn to be a good wife. 0.96

00:14:12.000 Yeah.

00:14:13.000 Maybe you actually grow to love each other.

00:14:15.000 Try to make yourself look pretty. 0.99

00:14:16.000 It's a terrible idea to be locked up in jail with a guy who's fucking all the time. 0.99

00:14:20.000 For sure, your mind would probably try to rationalize and find some way to escape it. 0.97

00:14:26.000 But think about the performance anxiety of just being with a girl regularly.

00:14:30.000 You're with her and then you can't get it up and you're like, oh my god, how embarrassing. 0.98

00:14:34.000 Think about the performance anxiety of a male rapist who's like, I'm gonna rape this guy. 0.99

00:14:39.000 You beat him up, you get him down, you rip his pants down, and then you're like, sorry, give me a second. 0.99

00:14:44.000 You're like, I gotta get this. 0.99

00:14:46.000 Well, it's a perfect example of rape being not sex. 1.00

00:14:50.000 Rape is violence. 1.00

00:14:52.000 A guy fucking and raping a guy, especially if he's not gay, it's a control and violence thing. 1.00

00:14:59.000 You should get a known male rapist prison guy on the show and ask him what he thinks about to get hard. 1.00

00:15:07.000 I don't think they could do it.

00:15:09.000 They'd have to wear a wrestling mask.

00:15:10.000 You got two people now taking their minds to separate places. 0.98

00:15:13.000 You got the guy getting raped trying to think of anything but getting raped, and you got the rapist trying to think of something to get him hard to rape the guy. 0.95

00:15:21.000 Yeah, it's an uncomfortable idea. 0.94

00:15:24.000 But it's also an idea that we kind of understand.

00:15:26.000 That's one of the more uncomfortable aspects of it. 0.96

00:15:29.000 We kind of understand that there are guys out there that would rape somebody. 0.97

00:15:34.000 They would do it. 0.99

00:15:35.000 And you trained him to kill.

00:15:37.000 I don't think that guy was... 0.99

00:15:38.000 He could have been a rapist. 0.96

00:15:39.000 But he definitely at least tried to kill people. 1.00

00:15:44.000 Or was, I should say, at the very least ready.

00:15:47.000 I met a couple guys like that. 0.59

00:15:50.000 I met a couple guys along the way that were really crazy.

00:15:53.000 One of the guys that I used to do martial arts with, he went to jail and came back a completely different person.

00:16:02.000 It was weird, man.

00:16:04.000 He came out like a wild animal.

00:16:07.000 He went in, he was a real tough kid, and he went in when he was like, I guess he was probably like 18 or something like that.

00:16:13.000 We were around the same age.

00:16:15.000 And when he came out, he came out years later.

00:16:18.000 He didn't want to tell everybody he was in jail, so he had this crazy story about being away and helping somebody out or something like that.

00:16:25.000 And then eventually he just confessed.

00:16:27.000 But then getting to know him, he was a totally different person.

00:16:31.000 All of a sudden I had to realize, oh, the last guy, he's not here anymore.

00:16:36.000 This is some new dude.

00:16:37.000 Now I've got to talk to this new dude. 0.99

00:16:38.000 And figure out what the parameters of our friendship are, because he seems fucking crazy. 0.99

00:16:43.000 He's been fighting for his life in a cage for the last four years. 0.98

00:16:48.000 I mean, the dude went away, and he told me about fights where he tried to beat a guy to death with a mop handle.

00:16:54.000 Some guys were coming at him with a shank.

00:16:56.000 He came out an animal.

00:16:57.000 Yeah, he came out an animal. 1.00

00:16:58.000 It was for real, wild animal, fight to the death type shit on a regular basis. 1.00

00:17:03.000 Wow. 1.00

00:17:04.000 Yeah, he was in jail for drugs.

00:17:05.000 Right.

00:17:06.000 And so he was in a serious jail.

00:17:08.000 He was in jail, I think, either heroin or cocaine. 1.00

00:17:11.000 I don't know what it was, but he was fucking nuts when he came out. 1.00

00:17:15.000 I hate to say how much time I've actually thought about getting fucked in my ass, but because I've been to jail a few times, you know? 1.00

00:17:22.000 I've never done hard time, but I've been to jail a few times for a few months. 0.99

00:17:25.000 And, you know, it's like you have to think about it going in.

00:17:32.000 Especially being an Asian. 0.98

00:17:33.000 You go in as a black guy, there's the blacks. 1.00

00:17:36.000 You go in the Mexican, there's the Mexican gangs. 0.99

00:17:37.000 You go in the whites, you join the Aryan whatever. 0.98

00:17:41.000 I have a friend that's Japanese, a little Japanese guy that went to jail. 1.00

00:17:44.000 And then there's not enough Asians in jail where they just all have to, you know, you have to be friends with the Chinese, the Japanese, the Thai, the Filipino.

00:17:52.000 Right, right.

00:17:53.000 It's not like, oh, because there's so few.

00:17:55.000 And come on, let's face it.

00:17:58.000 Everyone likes Asian chicks. 1.00

00:17:59.000 And so... 1.00

00:18:01.000 Especially this pervert over here. 1.00

00:18:02.000 So if everyone likes Asian chicks then male rapists want Asian dudes? 1.00

00:18:08.000 Dude if you're in jail and you're fucking white dudes and hairy afro buttholes and Mexicans and then like a I guess I kinda see your point. 1.00

00:18:21.000 You know? 1.00

00:18:22.000 Depends on what you're into. 0.92

00:18:23.000 Asians are small. 1.00

00:18:24.000 We're smaller than... 1.00

00:18:25.000 So if you're a rapist and... 0.99

00:18:28.000 Look, I'm just... 0.99

00:18:29.000 This is the things I think about.

00:18:30.000 And I get to jail.

00:18:32.000 I'm an easy target, you know? 0.99

00:18:34.000 I'm not a fucking giant guy like... 0.97

00:18:36.000 He's like, oh, and he doesn't have that much hair. 0.98

00:18:39.000 Like, I wasn't...

00:18:39.000 That's a weird thing to think about.

00:18:41.000 How often do you think about this?

00:18:42.000 Well, I think about it when I go to court and they go, you're going to jail.

00:18:46.000 How many times have you been in jail?

00:18:48.000 I've been maybe five times, most of them like just a week or a day, and then the Japan thing where I was for three months, but never more than a few months, you know?

00:18:57.000 And I never got raped.

00:18:59.000 It's like almost...

00:19:01.000 It's almost a weird thing, like I almost wanted it to happen so I could finally...

00:19:05.000 Yeah, you didn't try hard enough. 0.77

00:19:07.000 Because you remember the Edward Norton movie, 25th Hour, where he asked his best friend to beat the shit out of him? 0.95

00:19:12.000 Yes. 0.95

00:19:12.000 So he would look ugly going in, so he'd look like a badass. 0.95

00:19:15.000 So I never went that far, but it was like...

00:19:18.000 Oh my god, I forgot about that scene.

00:19:19.000 You know?

00:19:20.000 What a crazy strategy.

00:19:21.000 Yeah, but it's like, it's...

00:19:22.000 Okay, I get to prison. 0.99

00:19:25.000 The first day, a white gang, Mexican gang, whatever, is like, let's fucking show the new guy how it's done here. 0.99

00:19:32.000 I'm like... 0.99

00:19:33.000 At that point, I'm like...

00:19:36.000 I'm going to be overpowered, whatever, this and that.

00:19:39.000 In my mind, I made it up very early on. 1.00

00:19:42.000 I was like, I'm not going to get fucked in my ass. 1.00

00:19:44.000 It's not going to happen. 1.00

00:19:45.000 If I go to jail and, like, five guys hold me down and fuck my ass or whatever, then I'm going to die the next day. 1.00

00:19:54.000 I don't want to be the guy that gets... 1.00

00:19:55.000 I'm going to fucking kill the guy that did that to me. 1.00

00:19:58.000 And if I die trying, then I'll just be dead. 1.00

00:20:00.000 But I'm not going to, like... 1.00

00:20:02.000 You know, if they make me suck their dick, I'll bite their dicks off, you know? 1.00

00:20:05.000 I'm not... 1.00

00:20:06.000 Wow.

00:20:07.000 I'm not...

00:20:07.000 Strong statement.

00:20:08.000 You know? 0.99

00:20:08.000 Like, I'm not gonna fucking be the guy that just gets buttfucked, you know? 0.99

00:20:12.000 I know what you're saying. 0.98

00:20:12.000 What if you like it, though, man? 0.98

00:20:14.000 That is the problem.

00:20:15.000 Yeah.

00:20:15.000 I think you're gonna like it.

00:20:18.000 Fine. 0.70

00:20:18.000 Well, you know, you have that bingo button in your prostate or whatever, so... 0.70

00:20:23.000 Allegedly.

00:20:24.000 Allegedly. 1.00

00:20:24.000 I never push that bitch. 1.00

00:20:26.000 I don't want that jackpot. 1.00

00:20:28.000 But on a regular, like...

00:20:32.000 You've trained martial arts, this and that.

00:20:34.000 I've heard the Bruce Lee story stuff where he's a badass so everyone always tries to fight him.

00:20:39.000 On a regular week, how many times does someone try to fight you?

00:20:44.000 No, never.

00:20:45.000 People never try to fight me.

00:20:46.000 I'm very nice.

00:20:47.000 Somebody comes up to me.

00:20:48.000 I know you're a nice guy, but does people ever go, hey, you think you know how to fight?

00:20:52.000 No.

00:20:54.000 I'm not very impressed with myself.

00:20:57.000 I'm not the type of person who brags about what I can and can't do.

00:21:00.000 So it's not like I have to respond to things that I've said. 1.00

00:21:03.000 Like, I could kick this guy's ass. 1.00

00:21:04.000 I'll fuck that guy up. 1.00

00:21:05.000 I don't even think like that. 1.00

00:21:07.000 I do it for me. 0.63

00:21:08.000 I do it to calm my crazy monkey body.

00:21:11.000 I do it to keep my mind straight.

00:21:13.000 I do it to give myself something that's very difficult to do.

00:21:17.000 Because I think that as a person, oftentimes, We have a lot of intensely built up stress because of the nature of average everyday life in comparison to the nature of ancient... 0.87

00:21:29.000 I aggressively jerk off everyday. 0.91

00:21:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:30.000 Ancient man had a completely different existence. 0.99

00:21:33.000 Right.

00:21:33.000 But we essentially have the same body.

00:21:35.000 Right.

00:21:35.000 And so that body has energy requirements.

00:21:37.000 And I find that if I don't test myself in some extreme way on a regular basis, physically, that I can't stay calm.

00:21:44.000 Well, I try to push my...

00:21:46.000 I've been painting my whole life.

00:21:47.000 Right.

00:21:49.000 I guess, when anyone does anything their whole life, to other people it makes it look easy, right?

00:21:54.000 So I'll paint, and I paint quickly, so I don't really spend too much time on anyone painting, you know?

00:22:01.000 And that's because I've practiced and practiced, you know?

00:22:03.000 Well, it's your style, too.

00:22:04.000 Right.

00:22:04.000 You have a very particular style.

00:22:06.000 But, you know, people will see me paint and go, oh, I think I could do that.

00:22:09.000 Thank you very much for the werewolf that you made me. 0.97

00:22:11.000 That was cool as shit, dude. 0.77

00:22:12.000 I wish the framing was done. 0.98

00:22:13.000 I'd have it hanging up while you're in here.

00:22:15.000 That was very cool. 0.96

00:22:16.000 Well, that was cool to find out how much you liked comics and horror shit growing up. 0.91

00:22:21.000 That stuff for me is fun to paint. 0.95

00:22:22.000 To me, it was so fun.

00:22:25.000 The old creepy and eerie and all those.

00:22:29.000 Dude, you bought me a whole book series, too.

00:22:31.000 You're the nicest guy ever, man.

00:22:33.000 You bought me a whole book series of those comic book horror things.

00:22:37.000 Look...

00:22:38.000 You've been doing this show for four years, right?

00:22:40.000 Almost, yeah.

00:22:42.000 I'm a baby, but you've been on Fear Factor.

00:22:45.000 You've been in broadcasting for a while.

00:22:48.000 Broadcasting?

00:22:49.000 Well, you've been in front of a camera.

00:22:51.000 As an entertainer.

00:22:52.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

00:22:53.000 I'm new to this shit, and that's another thing for me to challenge. 0.99

00:22:58.000 My podcast is barely a year old. 0.99

00:23:01.000 When I did the show for Vice, the thumbs up, I was just fompering and fumbling through, like, making shit up.

00:23:07.000 No, no, the Vice things were cool, dude. 0.58

00:23:09.000 The Vice things got people to know you.

00:23:11.000 I first heard about you.

00:23:13.000 I'm sorry, go ahead.

00:23:13.000 It's just a lot of stuttering, though.

00:23:15.000 Yeah, but so what?

00:23:16.000 It's a real person.

00:23:16.000 There's no script.

00:23:17.000 I'm just like...

00:23:19.000 And so, to have, like, you, Kevin Smith, Anthony Bourdain, Howard Stern, like, all these guys, like, let me be on the shows and interview them, like, A, I get...

00:23:30.000 Ridiculously sick before the show.

00:23:32.000 Like, I just get filled up with so much, like, nervous energy.

00:23:36.000 Before this show?

00:23:37.000 Like, well, I'm more calm now, but, like, the first time I was on your show, I puked, like, outside of Chili's or something right here.

00:23:45.000 Did you really?

00:23:46.000 I would have never believed that.

00:23:48.000 You seemed so calm and relaxed.

00:23:50.000 Well, also, I had a little food poisoning then, too.

00:23:52.000 But just in general, any time, like...

00:23:56.000 I have a lot of anxiety with being in front of cameras or anything like this. 0.97

00:24:02.000 I like it because it makes me nervous in the same way I would like someone to at least attempt to try to buttfuck me in prison. 0.75

00:24:11.000 It's an insane amount of nervous energy where I get shaky and then I just puke it out and then I'm good. 0.94

00:24:16.000 Wow.

00:24:17.000 Well, it's one of those things that I think once you start it, and then you just get comfortable.

00:24:23.000 And so I'm appreciative to you and everyone who's let me be on their show and talk, so I think it's a little bit of a lost...

00:24:34.000 Art of writing a nice note.

00:24:38.000 It's like, hey bro, had a good time.

00:24:41.000 Send a text message.

00:24:42.000 It's like, okay, cool, but someone does something nice for you.

00:24:45.000 Do something nice.

00:24:47.000 Well, I really recognize the gesture and I really appreciate it.

00:24:50.000 It was very, very cool of you and very generous. 0.98

00:24:53.000 I don't want people who have been on the show now to just start sending me shit. 0.98

00:24:57.000 Like, oh, David Cho says... 0.99

00:24:59.000 Well, that's the other thing. 0.99

00:25:00.000 I don't want to send people shit that I hate... 0.97

00:25:03.000 Like, I have a hard time throwing stuff away and people are like, hey, you're an artist. 0.97

00:25:08.000 I'm an artist.

00:25:09.000 Right. 0.98

00:25:09.000 And they send me a giant, like, shitty painting. 0.98

00:25:13.000 And I'm like, this is so sweet that you did this, but I sort of feel like shit now because I inspired you to paint this horrible painting. 0.99

00:25:20.000 Ha ha! 0.86

00:25:21.000 And I, you know, I have a lot of space to put it, so I'm like, I have a real tough time throwing stuff away. 0.91

00:25:27.000 But, like, I know you like werewolf shit, and you told me you like the EC horror stuff, so I'm like, Joe will like this. 0.91

00:25:32.000 Oh, it's very cool. 0.99

00:25:33.000 You know?

00:25:33.000 Very cool.

00:25:34.000 Thank you very much.

00:25:35.000 And I went to Kevin Smith's house.

00:25:36.000 He has a shitload of Batman toys.

00:25:38.000 So I'm like, this guy for sure likes Batman toys, but he doesn't have the best ones that I know about. 0.94

00:25:43.000 So it's like, you know, I like getting people stuff that they want, you know, not like just bullshit, you know?

00:25:49.000 No, no, that's very, very cool.

00:25:51.000 Very cool of you, man.

00:25:52.000 Yeah, you're a very thoughtful guy.

00:25:55.000 I would have never thought that you were nervous the first time you did it because you were so calm and normal and relaxed and honest.

00:26:01.000 Well, it goes from this.

00:26:02.000 It goes from retardedly nervous, like, I can't, like, I get filled with, and one of the main things that people say about me is, like, I interrupt people or I say like too much, but it's because I have so much, it's all in me, and, like, 0.99

00:26:17.000 I don't know how this shit goes. 0.99

00:26:19.000 Well, I've seen you do it, right? 1.00

00:26:20.000 And I've seen Howard Stern do it, and to me, I see Joe pull up to the show, sit down, have a coffee, and start talking.

00:26:29.000 And that's how I do everything.

00:26:30.000 That's how I do art.

00:26:31.000 People go, what do you think about when you paint? 1.00

00:26:33.000 I go, I don't think about shit. 0.96

00:26:36.000 I know you have your deprivation chamber stuff to relax and stuff, but for me, For podcasting, for playing music, for making art. 0.99

00:26:44.000 I sit there. 0.77

00:26:44.000 I try to do the Zen meditation shit of just thinking about nothing. 0.77

00:26:53.000 Just go blank from the Ghostbusters, think of nothing. 0.99

00:26:56.000 And I just try to think of nothing, and then I just try to explode.

00:27:00.000 But then I walked in on... 0.99

00:27:03.000 The Nerdist, they broadcast from Meltdown, and they had all these writers writing shit, and I think they do that for The Stern Show too, and I'm like, this is crazy! 0.99

00:27:13.000 They like preparing, they, you know, and so for me, I don't do any of that shit. 0.90

00:27:18.000 I just show up, I turn the mics on, and I start talking for like 10 hours straight, because I usually do four podcasts back to back, but it fills me with such nervous energy, and it takes me a second where that nervous, I puke it out first, then I calm down, And then in the same way where people are like, 0.59

00:27:34.000 oh, when they see me paint, they're like, oh, I could do that because I make it look easy or whatever. 0.98

00:27:40.000 I do the show with Joe and then I'm like, I think I could kick the shit out of Joe. 0.99

00:27:44.000 Not that bad. 1.00

00:27:44.000 I think I could fight him. 1.00

00:27:45.000 I think I could take him.

00:27:47.000 You relaxed.

00:27:47.000 Yeah, you relaxed a little bit.

00:27:49.000 I think too that it's such a unique medium, the podcast medium.

00:27:53.000 And it's really, it's a medium that like works best when you do it this way, in my opinion.

00:27:58.000 Yeah.

00:27:58.000 I think there's two types of podcasts.

00:28:00.000 There's like the Dan Carlin type podcast, which we were talking about last night with Wayne Fetterman, who's a buddy of mine, who's a hilarious comedian, who became a fan of that Hardcore History podcast.

00:28:11.000 But it's not really a podcast the same way this is.

00:28:14.000 It's more like an audio book, like a lecture, a brilliant, entertaining lecture on history.

00:28:23.000 That's like a preparatory thing or a preparation thing, but what we do is essentially it's done best when it's like, who is David Cho today?

00:28:32.000 We vary.

00:28:33.000 Who's David Cho today, September 12, 2013?

00:28:36.000 Where are you at right now?

00:28:37.000 What's going on right now?

00:28:38.000 Where are you at in your laundry list of experiences in this life?

00:28:43.000 It's very unique in that way.

00:28:46.000 A guy like you, you know, the only way, we were talking about this before we even started, but about people wanting to do something with you, oh, we get you, David Cho.

00:28:55.000 We get you.

00:28:56.000 We know you're wild. 1.00

00:28:57.000 We know you're crazy. 1.00

00:28:58.000 We love that. 0.97

00:28:59.000 We want you to do that on our thing.

00:29:01.000 And then once you get involved with it, you realize, like, oh, no, this is, they don't get me.

00:29:05.000 No, no, no, I can't.

00:29:07.000 You're telling me to do this, and I want to do that, and you're telling me I can't swear, and I can't say that, and I shouldn't say this, and that'll stop them from advertising, you know, hiccups.

00:29:16.000 This to me is the most perfect media to express myself when I'm not painting or doing anything. 0.99

00:29:23.000 First of all, the shit's free. 0.98

00:29:25.000 I don't have any ads. 1.00

00:29:27.000 And you don't have to listen if you don't want.

00:29:29.000 I know what I am and I know what I'm not. 0.98

00:29:31.000 I don't know shit about history. 0.60

00:29:33.000 I don't remember dates. 0.89

00:29:35.000 I'm not that smart where I'm going to actually inform you about anything.

00:29:40.000 I just know that I have a feeling When I isolate myself, when I'm a bit of a recluse and I don't go out, that the evil thoughts start coming in and I start feeling like a weird person.

00:29:53.000 And I'm like, does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

00:29:56.000 And a lot of times it is just me, but I get all...

00:30:00.000 Anxiety.

00:30:01.000 And so then I go see a therapist and I'm like, I don't even know if this is for me. 0.67

00:30:04.000 So for me, the podcast is me and my friends bullshitting. 1.00

00:30:07.000 I talk about shit I know, fucking art... 0.99

00:30:10.000 hanging out this and that and then I could just verbal diarrhea all my problems out and you could listen or you could not listen but by me doing that I'm exercising my demons and you could relate or not relate go this guy's a weirdo or or not and I can only I can only talk about what I what I know and I I'll give you an example I just, 0.99

00:30:31.000 for the first time in four years, had my first art show.

00:30:34.000 I haven't painted...

00:30:35.000 I did a few murals and shit in that time, but not an actual art show in a gallery or museum.

00:30:44.000 I'm at a point in my life where money is... 0.86

00:30:48.000 I don't need to play the money game, which is a very rare thing to say.

00:30:52.000 I don't have to make money doing anything.

00:30:55.000 I don't have to make money off my podcast.

00:30:57.000 I don't have to have an art show and sell it out.

00:30:59.000 So if I'm not playing the same game of most humanity, most people will never get a chance to say that, right?

00:31:06.000 Like, I don't have to worry about money.

00:31:07.000 My kids don't have to worry about money.

00:31:09.000 Their children don't have to worry about money.

00:31:11.000 So I'm starting to do some more charitable stuff to help people.

00:31:14.000 And as far as art goes, I didn't become an artist so that only rich people can afford my art.

00:31:20.000 So I'm trying to do shit that's free at museums, more murals, whatever. 0.70

00:31:25.000 So I did my art show in Mexico. 0.84

00:31:28.000 But immediately after the art show, and actually it's still up if anyone's in Mexico City and wants to see it, it's at the Museum del Chopo, and it's called Snowman Monkey Barbecue.

00:31:39.000 And it's an old gambling term.

00:31:45.000 Is that online?

00:31:46.000 Can we see that image online? 1.00

00:31:47.000 Yeah, you can see shit online. 0.99

00:31:48.000 What is it? 0.99

00:31:49.000 Snowman what?

00:31:51.000 Snowmanmonkeybarbecue.mx.

00:31:54.000 And so...

00:31:58.000 I'm like, that was crazy because I had two and a half weeks to put that show together, you know? 0.81

00:32:04.000 And I did murals and watercolors and sculptures and all that shit, so... 0.93

00:32:09.000 Wow, what's going on back there? 0.99

00:32:11.000 Oh yeah, I just made shit out of... 0.99

00:32:14.000 Pinata material. 1.00

00:32:16.000 Oh my god, that fucking thing is huge. 1.00

00:32:18.000 How big is that, man? 1.00

00:32:20.000 I don't know, it's like three stories high. 1.00

00:32:22.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:32:24.000 That's insane. 1.00

00:32:26.000 That's a real work of art.

00:32:28.000 So it's like...

00:32:29.000 I haven't painted in four years. 0.99

00:32:32.000 I'm flumpering around, I'm doing bullshit. 0.94

00:32:35.000 And then someone's like... 0.97

00:32:37.000 Here's a space at a museum.

00:32:39.000 You got two and a half weeks.

00:32:40.000 Go.

00:32:41.000 Just puking it all out, you know?

00:32:43.000 Brian, go back to that one large image of it, if you would.

00:32:48.000 Fill that up with the screen.

00:32:49.000 Look at what? 0.99

00:32:50.000 That's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:32:51.000 You look like a giant eagle-looking thing. 0.99

00:32:53.000 Yeah, I mean, it's everything I saw in Mexico, everything that I felt, and I just, you know, and I'm confident at this point in my life to paint, you know.

00:33:02.000 When I was younger, I would see something in my head, And the hand-eye coordination of like...

00:33:07.000 It wouldn't look exactly how I saw it.

00:33:09.000 Now I can make exactly what I see in my head come out, so...

00:33:13.000 Dude, your head is filled with chaos.

00:33:16.000 You make me nervous just peeing across the table from you. 0.94

00:33:20.000 That's dope. 1.00

00:33:21.000 So I just puked that shit out, you know? 1.00

00:33:23.000 And then... 1.00

00:33:25.000 Brian, I don't think you can show that.

00:33:27.000 Oh, no.

00:33:28.000 I don't think we can get in trouble.

00:33:30.000 Those were not real, ladies and gentlemen.

00:33:32.000 They were definitely not real.

00:33:34.000 So then I was at a dinner...

00:33:37.000 A year earlier, with Anthony Bourdain and David Chang, and there's a food symposium in Copenhagen every year called Mad Symposium, and it's like a food conference, you know? 0.91

00:33:49.000 And it's just all Michelin star chefs, like the guys that do with food, that kind of shit, you know?

00:33:56.000 Dude, that's so cool looking. 0.98

00:33:57.000 I know.

00:33:58.000 I love it.

00:33:58.000 The young child, girl, boy in the lower right-hand corner with the eagle thing over its head.

00:34:05.000 What kind of bird is that supposed to be?

00:34:06.000 If you saw that in detail, it just goes deeper and deeper.

00:34:09.000 Like, the girl's being eaten by, like, a parrot, but then her beak turns into another thing, and then there's a blue dog.

00:34:15.000 I try to...

00:34:16.000 It's fractal, almost.

00:34:17.000 Well, I try to do this, like...

00:34:21.000 Well, I could talk to you about it because you understand the ayahuasca.

00:34:24.000 The ayahuasca opens something inside me where I'm tripping all the time now.

00:34:28.000 Whoa.

00:34:29.000 I'm tripping all the time.

00:34:30.000 Let's go to a doctor.

00:34:31.000 I mean, it's...

00:34:32.000 They broke your trip button.

00:34:32.000 No, it's crazy, man.

00:34:34.000 Like, I don't know...

00:34:34.000 Like, in what way are you tripping all the time?

00:34:36.000 Like, it's happening, you know, like you do mushrooms or you do ayahuasca and then you start seeing shit? 1.00

00:34:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:34:42.000 It's just happening all the time now.

00:34:44.000 So you see it all the time? 1.00

00:34:45.000 It's all the fucking time. 1.00

00:34:46.000 Like, you'll just be sitting down one day. 0.99

00:34:48.000 I'm seeing it right now.

00:34:50.000 What are you seeing?

00:34:51.000 Like, there's like a train track right here and then there's like weird colors coming down this way.

00:34:56.000 Really?

00:34:56.000 I don't want to sound like a weirdo, but it's...

00:34:58.000 Oh, it's too late. 0.80

00:35:01.000 Look, you're an awesome weirdo.

00:35:02.000 There's nothing wrong with being a weirdo.

00:35:03.000 I don't try to fight it.

00:35:04.000 The images are just exploding.

00:35:06.000 I mean, I could differentiate between reality and whatever.

00:35:09.000 Right.

00:35:09.000 But it's...

00:35:10.000 If I just close my eyes, like, that time before you fall asleep and I just lay there, I could just watch, like, this symphony of...

00:35:19.000 I don't know what it means.

00:35:20.000 I don't try to make sense of it, but it's happening.

00:35:22.000 So it happens on a super regular basis.

00:35:24.000 All the time.

00:35:25.000 And it only happened once you had your initial ayahuasca experience.

00:35:29.000 I did, yeah, in one year I did mushrooms a few times and I did ayahuasca three times back to back.

00:35:35.000 And since then...

00:35:36.000 It opened something inside me.

00:35:38.000 And, you know, it's the same visions that I would see, like, if I had a dream or whatever.

00:35:44.000 But now it's just all the time.

00:35:47.000 There's no, like, oh, now I'm going to trip.

00:35:49.000 And the ayahuasca on the third night, it talks to me.

00:35:57.000 And it said to me, don't ever do this again.

00:36:00.000 You got your homework now.

00:36:02.000 You know what you need to do.

00:36:03.000 Wow.

00:36:04.000 And I wrote everything down and said, you need to do this, this, and this. 0.99

00:36:06.000 And it gave me instructions of all the shit I need to do for the rest of my life. 0.96

00:36:10.000 Like, I couldn't do it eight lifetimes, you know? 0.99

00:36:13.000 Wow.

00:36:13.000 20 lifetimes.

00:36:14.000 And it says, you could abuse anything, right?

00:36:17.000 I could start doing ayahuasca recreational.

00:36:19.000 And it's a powerful tool, and I don't want to abuse that, you know?

00:36:24.000 So, I'm like, why would I need to do something I mean, I think I could still function as a human, but it's all the time.

00:36:35.000 It's open now.

00:36:35.000 Wow.

00:36:36.000 And it's cool.

00:36:39.000 I like it.

00:36:40.000 You like it?

00:36:40.000 Yeah, I love it.

00:36:41.000 It's not like maddening or whatever.

00:36:43.000 It's like...

00:36:45.000 I wish, this is one of those days where like, you know, if you and I were not in the same room, and I'd say, well, show me what it looks like.

00:36:53.000 Right.

00:36:53.000 You know, if you were describing a physical object, you could take a photo of it and send it to me.

00:36:57.000 Right, right.

00:36:58.000 One day, I hope that technology exists and I can actually see what you're seeing.

00:37:03.000 Like, can you imagine if we found out that, like, your version of, like, various things that you're looking at is different than my version?

00:37:11.000 Because you do it, and you're like, it's crazy, Dave!

00:37:13.000 And I go, but explain crazy!

00:37:14.000 And I'm like, is your crazy the same thing that I'm seeing, you know?

00:37:18.000 Well, it's like how much of what you impart as beauty to something is based on your own personal or cultural context.

00:37:26.000 And if you could absorb another person's views.

00:37:30.000 Maybe an actual visualization of something is not just the image itself, it's the emotions attached to the image automatically by the mind.

00:37:40.000 And I think we all have different ones of those, which is why some dudes like girls that are really kind of overweight. 0.95

00:37:48.000 Right.

00:37:48.000 You know, and some girls like really skinny guys or some, you know, it's like something triggers in you.

00:37:55.000 Well, one thing when people do like dream analysis and shit, like what does it mean, this and that, one thing that I try to, that I do a lot is I overanalyze stuff. 0.99

00:38:04.000 Like why did I just draw this guy's own dick going into his own butt? 0.99

00:38:08.000 Or why did I draw, like, a blue... 1.00

00:38:10.000 Over and over again.

00:38:11.000 Yeah.

00:38:11.000 Why did I draw...

00:38:12.000 Yeah, why did I draw...

00:38:13.000 Why did you draw that a hundred times?

00:38:15.000 Well, that movie, Superbad, when the guy keeps drawing the dicks, I was like, why didn't I get that job? 0.99

00:38:20.000 Nobody draws veins on a dick better than me. 0.99

00:38:23.000 Dude, that was... 1.00

00:38:24.000 That hit...

00:38:25.000 That hit so close to home.

00:38:28.000 But it's everywhere. 1.00

00:38:29.000 If you go to any country and you take a shit in any public bathroom, someone always draws a dick. 1.00

00:38:34.000 What is that desire to draw? 1.00

00:38:35.000 A dick, a peace symbol, a fuck you, you know, it always goes back to the dick. 1.00

00:38:43.000 Well, who are these bathroom philosophers? 1.00

00:38:45.000 I do it.

00:38:45.000 What is their quest?

00:38:46.000 People who write like shit down on a wall? 1.00

00:38:50.000 It's a weird thing. 1.00

00:38:51.000 It's like we're all admitting that we're experiencing the same uncomfortable moment.

00:38:56.000 So here's something to think about, distract you.

00:38:58.000 Right.

00:38:59.000 Well, so when you have dreams and you have visions and you're like, what did that mean?

00:39:03.000 Did something happen in my life that day?

00:39:06.000 I did a lot of overanalyzing like that.

00:39:09.000 Like, why am I seeing this right now?

00:39:10.000 Why is this dog's head exploding and then a mushroom's coming out and then flowers are coming out of the mushrooms and this and that.

00:39:16.000 I think?

00:39:38.000 First of all, there's an unbelievable amount of pressure as an artist after not having a show in four years to, you know, every time I do a show, I want it to be the best show I've ever done. 0.99

00:39:47.000 And this was, like, such a small amount of time to put that much art together that I was, you know, everyone's like, you fucking bitches in Mexico. 1.00

00:39:55.000 I'm like, I'm working! 1.00

00:39:57.000 I didn't go to Mexico to fuck, you know? 1.00

00:39:59.000 But... 1.00

00:40:00.000 You have a very strange way of saying fuck. 1.00

00:40:02.000 How do I say it? 1.00

00:40:03.000 It's very bold.

00:40:04.000 Oh, really?

00:40:05.000 It's got bravado to it, like you're wearing a cape. 1.00

00:40:08.000 I didn't go to Mexico to fuck. 1.00

00:40:11.000 No, it's like you have a confident way of saying fuck. 1.00

00:40:13.000 What do I like to do, fuck? 1.00

00:40:18.000 You're almost defiant in your tone. 1.00

00:40:21.000 So, I gotta tell you what happened.

00:40:22.000 I... You know, cause every...

00:40:25.000 I'm gonna go off subject just for a second, cause...

00:40:29.000 No way.

00:40:29.000 Every time...

00:40:30.000 Not on this show.

00:40:31.000 Every time I think...

00:40:33.000 Wow, I've experienced a new sexual thing that I've never, like, this is insane.

00:40:37.000 How many are left? 0.99

00:40:38.000 When a girl shoots an ice cube up my butthole or, you know, like, or, like, when I'm laying down and then, like, five women are just giving me a massage just using their tongues, I'm like, it's not going to get better than this, 0.99

00:40:53.000 you know? 1.00

00:40:54.000 You're living like a baller. 0.99

00:40:56.000 Damn, I didn't know it went over two-handed. 0.99

00:40:58.000 I thought it just stopped there. 0.99

00:40:59.000 You got five-handed? 0.97

00:41:00.000 And then so I meet a guy yesterday and he's like, oh yeah, we did some red rope shit and this and that. 0.97

00:41:04.000 And I'm like, I don't know what that is. 0.96

00:41:07.000 He's like, you don't know what a red rope service is? 0.91

00:41:10.000 And I go...

00:41:12.000 No, but please tell me. 0.99

00:41:13.000 Like, what the fuck are you talking about right now? 0.98

00:41:15.000 My name is Marty, and I'm the inventor of the red rope service. 0.99

00:41:19.000 So I'm, like, sitting there.

00:41:20.000 Okay, so you're laying on your, it's a massage parlor.

00:41:22.000 You go, it's a service.

00:41:24.000 It's not a name of a place.

00:41:26.000 Oh, it's a move.

00:41:26.000 It's like a code word.

00:41:27.000 You go, can I get the red rope?

00:41:29.000 Okay.

00:41:30.000 So you're getting a massage, and I think it's only in Asia, and you're laying on your back, and then you go, you know, you get to the happy ending point where she gets your day card and everything, and you're like, I would like the red rope.

00:41:42.000 At this point, she ties a rope, and here's the crazy part.

00:41:45.000 It doesn't have to be red.

00:41:46.000 It's just a rope.

00:41:47.000 And they tie it to the, whatever, the bars above the massage table. 0.97

00:41:52.000 And they hook their feet on it, so they're upside down.

00:41:55.000 And so they start spinning around. 1.00

00:41:57.000 And then they put their mouth on your hard dick. 1.00

00:42:00.000 And then they let go. 1.00

00:42:01.000 And they helicopter their mouth around your dick. 1.00

00:42:04.000 All the way... 1.00

00:42:06.000 And I've never done it before, but the guy says it feels like your dick's gonna, like you've never felt anything like that before in your life. 0.99

00:42:11.000 And it feels like your dick is just gonna explode with, you know, like a neutron bomb and explosion. 0.99

00:42:18.000 And then it's done, and it stops, and then it spins the other way around. 0.99

00:42:23.000 Dude, listen.

00:42:24.000 Leave it to the crafty Asians. 1.00

00:42:27.000 Always!

00:42:28.000 Figuring out something like that.

00:42:28.000 It's unbelievable, because they...

00:42:30.000 That's amazing.

00:42:31.000 They really, like, take sex to another level.

00:42:33.000 Like, they try to figure out the most pleasurable things to do to you, and then they do them, you know?

00:42:38.000 Well, they wrote books about it.

00:42:40.000 I mean, you know, what is that book? 0.98

00:42:43.000 What's the fucking famous tantric book? 0.98

00:42:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:47.000 What the fuck is that book? 0.99

00:42:51.000 Um... 1.00

00:42:51.000 What is that? 1.00

00:42:52.000 Tantra love book.

00:42:54.000 Well, here's the thing about the red rope. 1.00

00:42:56.000 Or any of that shit. 1.00

00:42:58.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:42:59.000 I know what you're talking about. 1.00

00:43:00.000 What is that book? 1.00

00:43:01.000 I do that tantric shit, you know? 1.00

00:43:03.000 God damn it. 1.00

00:43:03.000 What's the name of the book, though? 1.00

00:43:05.000 There's a famous name that if you find it over people's house, you're like, oh, they're a freak.

00:43:11.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:43:13.000 I know what you're talking about.

00:43:14.000 I am a student of tantra.

00:43:18.000 Have you ever had a soapy where you're on a raft and they put soap all over you and then you just rub your body up and down?

00:43:23.000 Brian, I've done it all.

00:43:25.000 The red rope.

00:43:26.000 Well, here's the thing. 0.99

00:43:27.000 Here's all the shit that we're talking about, right? 0.99

00:43:29.000 The soapy raft, the red rope, whatever. 1.00

00:43:31.000 Kama Sutra.

00:43:32.000 The Kama Sutra.

00:43:33.000 I mean, duh.

00:43:35.000 Here's the thing about all these weird sex things, especially like at a massage parlor where they do those things.

00:43:42.000 You're like, how does one girl do the red rope?

00:43:46.000 She had to learn it from...

00:43:48.000 They have to teach.

00:43:50.000 Someone who does a happy ending, like, amazingly, the quality of service has to maintain.

00:43:55.000 You know?

00:43:56.000 Like, how can one girl give the best handjob? 1.00

00:43:59.000 She had to learn it. 0.80

00:44:01.000 So, that's another thing I think about, you know?

00:44:03.000 Who's teaching them?

00:44:04.000 Who's teaching them?

00:44:05.000 Is it a class?

00:44:07.000 Who's the guinea pig? 0.72

00:44:08.000 The guy who owns the building.

00:44:09.000 Who's the guinea pig? 0.72

00:44:10.000 The guy who owns the building. 1.00

00:44:12.000 He's got a fucking big mayonnaise jar filled with Viagra. 1.00

00:44:15.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:44:16.000 So, I don't know if you know this, Joe, but I like to gamble.

00:44:18.000 I know.

00:44:19.000 I haven't gambled in almost a year and eight months now.

00:44:22.000 No one's counting.

00:44:23.000 But I used to gamble in Macau.

00:44:27.000 Macau is like Vegas times ten, right?

00:44:29.000 It's Vegas times a thousand.

00:44:30.000 A thousand. 1.00

00:44:31.000 They do shit in Macau that shits on... 1.00

00:44:34.000 Like one good casino in... 1.00

00:44:37.000 And Macau makes more money than all of Las Vegas.

00:44:40.000 What?

00:44:40.000 Like, their Venetian out there is two football fields wide.

00:44:43.000 Oh my god.

00:44:44.000 Like, it's crazy.

00:44:45.000 Oh my god.

00:44:46.000 And they have chips, like, you know, you go to Vegas and you see black chips and green chips, whatever.

00:44:50.000 They have like square chips the size of this.

00:44:52.000 And you're like, what's that?

00:44:54.000 And they're like, that's a million dollars.

00:44:55.000 A million dollars.

00:44:57.000 China? 0.73

00:44:58.000 If you ever thought China is going to run the world, yes. 0.99

00:45:00.000 The answer to that is yes. 1.00

00:45:02.000 They don't give a shit. 0.99

00:45:03.000 They have money there that it's like, you wouldn't even fucking understand. 1.00

00:45:07.000 Is that a good thing or a bad thing if China runs the world? 0.98

00:45:11.000 Uh...

00:45:15.000 I mean, you say China, and everybody goes, Communism, Tiananmen Square.

00:45:20.000 Those are the two things that come up.

00:45:22.000 Communism, Tiananmen Square.

00:45:24.000 And then you say America, and what do they say?

00:45:26.000 Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Kent State.

00:45:28.000 Well, it all depends on whether you like Chinese food or not.

00:45:31.000 If you like MSG. Then it's good?

00:45:34.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:45:35.000 Chinese people running shit? 1.00

00:45:37.000 Who knows? 1.00

00:45:37.000 I do know that if you... 1.00

00:45:40.000 To the three listeners out there that are into Asian guys... 0.99

00:45:45.000 If you like Asian dudes, if you like the hairless body and all that shit, date a Chinese guy. 1.00

00:45:51.000 From China. 1.00

00:45:52.000 Because there's so many of them. 1.00

00:45:53.000 Because you don't want to date a Korean because they're fucking assholes. 1.00

00:45:56.000 They're stubborn, insecure, judgmental assholes. 1.00

00:45:59.000 You don't want to date a weird Japanese guy. 1.00

00:46:03.000 China, Chinese, like to fuck. 1.00

00:46:06.000 They like to fuck a lot. 1.00

00:46:08.000 That's why there's billions of them. 1.00

00:46:11.000 There's more Chinese people... 1.00

00:46:14.000 Got a good point there.

00:46:15.000 What is that point?

00:46:16.000 They don't like to pull out, they like to come inside, and they like to have babies.

00:46:21.000 So much that there's billions of them, overpopulation.

00:46:24.000 What does the Chinese government do?

00:46:26.000 You can only have one child now.

00:46:28.000 You can only have one.

00:46:29.000 If you can only have one, what do you want?

00:46:32.000 A boy.

00:46:33.000 What do the Chinese people do now?

00:46:34.000 For years now, you can only have one kid or else you have to pay crazy taxes.

00:46:39.000 So if you're Chinese and you have brothers and sisters, that means your parents are probably rich.

00:46:42.000 So you abort till you have a son.

00:46:45.000 So what does that do to the population now?

00:46:47.000 There's way more boys than there's women. 1.00

00:46:50.000 What does that do?

00:46:51.000 Now, in the same way they used to do the Russian mail order bride, now they do that for China with Vietnamese and Filipino.

00:46:59.000 There's not enough women so that they need to do Filipino mail order bride, Thai mail order bride. 1.00

00:47:04.000 And what does that do?

00:47:07.000 There's...

00:47:07.000 I don't know.

00:47:08.000 I don't know statistics, but I think it's something like for every 10 guys, there's one girl.

00:47:12.000 So what does that do to the entire country?

00:47:15.000 It creates homosexuality, more, higher numbers, and... 1.00

00:47:19.000 If you're a dude and you're lucky enough to get a girlfriend, you're going to treat her amazing. 1.00

00:47:24.000 You're going to treat her like a fucking princess. 1.00

00:47:27.000 So, ladies, if you like Asian dudes, get a Chinese guy. 1.00

00:47:30.000 Well, it seems like a recipe for fucking chaos because it doesn't seem like if you live like that and you only have one child and the majority of them are men, first of all, it doesn't feel like that's sustainable, but it feels like people are going to be so unhappy. 0.98

00:47:43.000 People are going to be so crazy and unhappy. 0.99

00:47:45.000 Well, one answer is to get this book called Akama Sutra and learn some tantric shit so you don't fucking come inside and have so many goddamn babies, you know? 1.00

00:47:53.000 That's not going to help at this point. 0.99

00:47:54.000 At this point, it seems like when you have that situation already in place where you're only allowed to have one kid, so you have this excess of males and this completely imbalanced setup, whenever you have imbalance like that, it creates unrest.

00:48:06.000 It's bad.

00:48:08.000 What they could be doing is just setting up their entire country To change the tone of the country.

00:48:14.000 Right.

00:48:15.000 Well, here's the thing that I know. 0.99

00:48:16.000 I know when shit is fucking crazy because the art gets really good, you know? 0.99

00:48:22.000 Right. 1.00

00:48:22.000 The art in China is better than the art in the rest of the world. 1.00

00:48:25.000 Wow.

00:48:25.000 Because they have been tormented.

00:48:27.000 Yeah.

00:48:27.000 Because they have been living under communism.

00:48:29.000 Wow. 0.99

00:48:30.000 Like, Brian only fucks porn stars, and he thinks it's gonna be a step up for him to start dating artists? 1.00

00:48:35.000 That is, like, ten steps down. 0.99

00:48:37.000 Wait till you hear his comedy after he starts dating an artist.

00:48:40.000 It'll be the best comedy he's ever done in his life.

00:48:42.000 Why?

00:48:42.000 Because they're crazy?

00:48:43.000 They're horrible. 1.00

00:48:44.000 Horrible people. 1.00

00:48:44.000 Especially ones that paint a lot of self-portraits of themselves. 1.00

00:48:46.000 Ooh.

00:48:47.000 I mean, come on. 1.00

00:48:47.000 Give me a fucking break. 1.00

00:48:48.000 Hey, let's not get specific here. 0.99

00:48:50.000 Let's not get specific.

00:48:51.000 But you know what I'm saying?

00:48:53.000 Yes, I know exactly what you're saying.

00:48:54.000 So, like...

00:48:55.000 So, I'm in China, and I'm gambling, and...

00:48:59.000 And I get stressed out, and they go, do you want to go get a massage?

00:49:02.000 And I told the guy, he goes, you know, a massage or a massage?

00:49:07.000 And I go, no, seriously, like a regular massage, I want to calm down.

00:49:10.000 So he gives me the number for this place in like Old Macau, and I go in, and it's amazing.

00:49:15.000 It's like giant, huge sofas where you can kick back, and the guy runs and goes, do you want a sandwich and some ramen or whatever?

00:49:23.000 I'm like, yeah, give me some noodle soup, give me a ramen.

00:49:26.000 Then a dude rolls up, and he's like, You got some, like, hard skin on the bottom of your feet.

00:49:30.000 You want me to shave that off? 0.99

00:49:31.000 I'm like, yeah, fuck yeah, you know? 1.00

00:49:33.000 Wait a minute. 0.99

00:49:34.000 Manny Petty, dude.

00:49:36.000 A Manny Petty?

00:49:37.000 Yeah.

00:49:37.000 So I got a dude shaving with a razor blade, like, the hard skin off the bottom of my feet.

00:49:42.000 And then a little girl just comes and sits on my shoulder, and she goes, do you want your ears clean? 0.98

00:49:47.000 And I go, yeah. 0.99

00:49:48.000 And she's doing, like, little flowery shit, blowing in my ear, digging all this, like, earwax out. 1.00

00:49:53.000 And I'm like, I feel like a goddamn princess right now. 0.99

00:49:56.000 And then I sold a sort of like milfy older, not that attractive, but you know, got some weird milf vibe. 0.98

00:50:02.000 That's my type.

00:50:03.000 Comes up and goes, do you want a leg massage?

00:50:05.000 And this is all like 30 bucks.

00:50:08.000 Wow.

00:50:08.000 You know, like now I got three people catering to me.

00:50:11.000 I got one dude on my feet, one chick cleaning my ears. 1.00

00:50:15.000 And I think at one point I had four, like one chick was like, do you want a head scalp massage? 1.00

00:50:19.000 And I was like, let's just do the whole thing, you know? 1.00

00:50:21.000 So you're just sitting there like a goddamn king. 0.99

00:50:24.000 And then the lady that's giving me my thigh massage, she's like sitting on a little stoop between me, rubbing my legs, rubbing my calves. 1.00

00:50:31.000 And then once in a while she goes from one leg and then she goes to the other leg. 0.98

00:50:36.000 And one time when she went to the other leg, her hands scraped the bottom of my balls. 1.00

00:50:40.000 I was like, oh, whoops, sorry. 0.99

00:50:42.000 Like, was that an accident?

00:50:44.000 And then...

00:50:45.000 Did you ask?

00:50:46.000 Well, I was like, oh, that's sort of cool, you know?

00:50:48.000 Did you say something?

00:50:49.000 I didn't say anything.

00:50:50.000 I was getting my ears, whatever.

00:50:51.000 Right, right.

00:50:52.000 A lot was going on. 0.99

00:50:52.000 But then she goes to the other leg, and this time she grabs my balls. 0.99

00:50:55.000 I go, that's not an accident. 0.99

00:50:58.000 So I'm like...

00:50:59.000 Monkey grabs the peach.

00:51:00.000 Right.

00:51:01.000 And I'm sitting there, and she starts...

00:51:03.000 What's that image?

00:51:05.000 Monkey grabs a peach.

00:51:06.000 And so now she's giving me an HJ, but not like an aggressive HJ. It's like she's just playing with my balls. 0.99

00:51:14.000 You get so many hand jobs, you've broken it down to two letters. 0.98

00:51:16.000 It's just the old HJ. Well, there's the dry HJ, there's a wet HJ. Rub Maps terminology right there.

00:51:22.000 Do you have the monkey steals the peach? 1.00

00:51:25.000 But she's just giving me like...

00:51:27.000 Just like a boring...

00:51:28.000 Right.

00:51:29.000 She's not trying to get me off.

00:51:30.000 She's just massaging. 0.99

00:51:31.000 She's just being nice to you.

00:51:33.000 But then I start getting hard and I'm laying on a sofa thing like this right next to my friend.

00:51:37.000 Right.

00:51:38.000 Like our feet are touching. 0.98

00:51:39.000 Oh, that's kind of gay. 1.00

00:51:40.000 So I'm like, it's kind of gay. 0.99

00:51:42.000 You're like, dude, push off me. 0.98

00:51:43.000 I'm getting hard.

00:51:44.000 I feel the firm bottoms of your feet.

00:51:46.000 I want a toe shake with you. 1.00

00:51:48.000 But there's a blanket over my dick. 1.00

00:51:51.000 So I start getting hard and she starts hitting it on her hand and showing my friend. 0.99

00:51:54.000 She's like, look, your friend very hard.

00:51:56.000 And I'm like, don't do that.

00:51:57.000 Don't do that.

00:51:58.000 And I'm like, this is weird.

00:52:02.000 I'm getting a sexual act while other people are like manicuring me, you know? 0.81

00:52:07.000 That's so crazy. 0.74

00:52:08.000 And then it's 15 minutes and she stops and she goes, do you want it to go on or whatever?

00:52:12.000 And I'm like...

00:52:13.000 Let's stop for right now.

00:52:14.000 Let me just try to figure out what just happened right now.

00:52:18.000 He's like a business manager.

00:52:19.000 Let's stop for right now.

00:52:20.000 Let's stop for right now.

00:52:21.000 And we're going to get the team together and assess where we go from here.

00:52:24.000 So they all stop.

00:52:26.000 They go away.

00:52:26.000 And I go, bro, that girl said, do you want a thigh massage?

00:52:30.000 And she was massaging my balls. 1.00

00:52:32.000 And he's like, that was awesome. 0.99

00:52:33.000 And then we're talking and we're looking at everyone.

00:52:36.000 So we look like...

00:52:38.000 The feet manicured people are mostly dudes.

00:52:41.000 The ear cleaning chicks are usually like really small because they sit on you. 1.00

00:52:45.000 And the thigh massage ladies, for the most part, and they all have different color jackets. 1.00

00:52:49.000 This is what my job is. 0.84

00:52:51.000 So the thigh massage ladies are all MILFs. 1.00

00:52:53.000 They're all older.

00:52:55.000 And they're not all hot.

00:52:56.000 Some of them aren't even hot.

00:52:58.000 Then I saw one with a thigh massage jacket that was young and beautiful.

00:53:02.000 And I said, hey, hey, hey, thigh massage, thigh massage.

00:53:04.000 And she's like, ah, she had a weird look. 0.83

00:53:07.000 And I was like, what, what, what?

00:53:08.000 And then the old one that just gave me one comes and goes, you don't want her. 1.00

00:53:11.000 And I was like, no, no, no, I do.

00:53:12.000 And she goes, first day, doesn't know what she's doing.

00:53:15.000 And you're like, perfect.

00:53:16.000 Perfect, I want her.

00:53:17.000 And she goes, no, no, no, no, no.

00:53:18.000 And she goes, You don't want her.

00:53:20.000 Like, I'll do it again.

00:53:21.000 I know what I'm doing.

00:53:22.000 And I go, no, no, no.

00:53:23.000 I want her.

00:53:23.000 And she's like...

00:53:24.000 They start speaking in Chinese and they go, like, okay. 0.99

00:53:28.000 And then all this shit I'm talking about, the dreams came true. 0.99

00:53:32.000 They tell me to get up. 0.99

00:53:33.000 I go into a side room and she trains her on me. 1.00

00:53:37.000 I'm the guinea pig.

00:53:38.000 They never even look at me.

00:53:40.000 The young one's like, this?

00:53:42.000 He's like, no, no!

00:53:44.000 And she starts yelling, like this! 1.00

00:53:45.000 And they're having a fight, arguing over my dick, practicing giving me a handjob, and I'm like, this is the best day of my life. 1.00

00:53:51.000 Wow. 1.00

00:53:52.000 I'm the guinea pig of the girl that gets trained on how to give a thigh massage. 1.00

00:53:56.000 And you're in Macau.

00:53:57.000 And I'm in Macau.

00:53:58.000 You must have felt like you were in an Indiana Jones movie.

00:54:00.000 Yeah.

00:54:00.000 I always feel like I'm in an Indiana Jones movie, but I'm always short round.

00:54:05.000 That sounds incredible.

00:54:09.000 That sounds like the craziest, freakiest experience ever.

00:54:11.000 It was amazing, and it was nothing close to sexual for them. 1.00

00:54:17.000 I was just a fucking piece of meat. 1.00

00:54:19.000 She was like, like this? 1.00

00:54:21.000 No, no, no, no!

00:54:23.000 Like this!

00:54:23.000 That's so amazing.

00:54:25.000 I was like, I want this to go on forever.

00:54:28.000 It's amazing. 1.00

00:54:29.000 So things like this happen, and then I have, you say, I say, fuck. 1.00

00:54:36.000 I talk about this shit, you know? 1.00

00:54:37.000 And it's like, it's sort of like suicide to just keep openly talk about. 1.00

00:54:41.000 But the freaky chicks that listen to me, they hear me say a story like this, and then they're like, oh, I'll fucking, I'll do some shit to him that he's never. 1.00

00:54:50.000 Why would you say it's suicide to talk about things like this? 0.98

00:54:55.000 There was a girl that I really liked a long time ago when I did a different podcast called Kareem's Gone Bad.

00:55:00.000 And I was considering...

00:55:02.000 I've been single for eight years now.

00:55:04.000 And I was considering dating her.

00:55:06.000 Settling down.

00:55:07.000 And she goes...

00:55:08.000 First thing was, no more podcasts.

00:55:11.000 Like, I can't be with a dude that's talking about... 1.00

00:55:15.000 People practicing handjobs on his dick, you know? 1.00

00:55:17.000 Which makes sense. 1.00

00:55:18.000 You know, you don't want to be with...

00:55:19.000 Right.

00:55:20.000 I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, you know?

00:55:22.000 So, it's so... 0.99

00:55:23.000 You know, when I put all my shit out there... 0.99

00:55:25.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

00:55:26.000 I'm on a...

00:55:26.000 I have my own podcast, DVD, ASA, where...

00:55:30.000 You know, Austin's a porn star, but everyone else on the show, they don't want to share that shit, and that makes sense, you know? 0.99

00:55:35.000 They're not, you know... 1.00

00:55:37.000 Yeah, but she knows who you are, you know?

00:55:40.000 Right, right.

00:55:41.000 I mean, you are who you are.

00:55:42.000 You're a very interesting guy.

00:55:44.000 The idea that everyone has to be uniform.

00:55:47.000 Right, right.

00:55:48.000 And that we all have to fit into the same pattern of control.

00:55:52.000 Well, what's happened is I've turned into like... 1.00

00:55:56.000 When guys look at a chick and they're like, she's a slut. 1.00

00:55:59.000 You're a male slut? 1.00

00:56:00.000 That's a chick you fuck, but you would never take home to your mom. 1.00

00:56:02.000 That's how girls look at me now. 1.00

00:56:04.000 I think some do, but some probably don't.

00:56:07.000 Which I love.

00:56:08.000 They think that it's probably like a challenge to be the girl that cracks his...

00:56:12.000 His mind open.

00:56:13.000 It's exciting to me because this is what married guys say to me.

00:56:18.000 Don't you get sick of it, Dave?

00:56:20.000 No, you know why they say that?

00:56:20.000 Don't you get sick of it.

00:56:21.000 They want you to join their misery. 1.00

00:56:23.000 And I get it because I know some famous people that do fuck a lot and they say this shit like you're getting dangerously close to start sucking dick. 1.00

00:56:31.000 What? 1.00

00:56:33.000 It happens, you know?

00:56:34.000 Listen, man.

00:56:35.000 Listen to me.

00:56:36.000 This is the problem with married people. 1.00

00:56:37.000 This is coming from a dude who's married.

00:56:39.000 Married people are much like people that want you to use the same cell phone service as them. 1.00

00:56:44.000 They're like, dude, why are you with Verizon?

00:56:46.000 AT&T, you can answer your phone.

00:56:48.000 And they get real passionate about it. 0.93

00:56:50.000 They want you to be miserable with them. 0.95

00:56:52.000 For whatever reason.

00:56:53.000 And it's not a knock on AT&T. It's just an example.

00:56:55.000 Whether it's Windows or PC. There's people that want you to use what they use.

00:57:00.000 And people who are married are like, come on, dude. 0.99

00:57:02.000 Why don't you just fucking get married, man? 0.99

00:57:04.000 Become one of us. 1.00

00:57:05.000 They just want you to...

00:57:06.000 They have accepted this new stage of existence.

00:57:09.000 And they want, for whatever reason, everybody else to be exactly like them or it becomes uncomfortable.

00:57:15.000 Because I do the same thing. 1.00

00:57:16.000 I go, why don't you just get divorced and come fuck all these girls with me? 1.00

00:57:19.000 Take my sloppy seconds, you know? 1.00

00:57:20.000 I got hit with a pussy bar. 1.00

00:57:22.000 Take some shrapnel, you know? 1.00

00:57:23.000 Take my sloppy seconds.

00:57:25.000 What a great sales pitch, Dave.

00:57:26.000 And you know what? 0.99

00:57:27.000 I don't give a shit, dude. 0.99

00:57:28.000 I'm in. 0.99

00:57:29.000 You go first.

00:57:31.000 I'll take sloppy seconds.

00:57:32.000 This is a mess.

00:57:33.000 This podcast is an M-E-double-S. Guys are like, ew, dude. 1.00

00:57:38.000 You're gonna fuck a girl? 1.00

00:57:39.000 I was like, you guys all go first. 1.00

00:57:41.000 You can go first.

00:57:42.000 You can take sloppy seconds.

00:57:43.000 I'll go last.

00:57:44.000 Wow. 1.00

00:57:45.000 I'll eat Joe and Brian's come out of a pussy. 1.00

00:57:47.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00

00:57:51.000 How dare you! 1.00

00:57:52.000 I'm not gay, I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:57:55.000 Well, that would, you know, I can see how some girls would have a problem with that. 1.00

00:57:58.000 No, but Joe, I understand that because it's sort of true.

00:58:01.000 They go, don't you get sick of that?

00:58:03.000 Another sex story? 1.00

00:58:04.000 Another fucking quadruple handjob? 1.00

00:58:06.000 Another, like, tongue? 1.00

00:58:08.000 I have a problem with people that have a problem with people that don't get tired of shit. 1.00

00:58:13.000 Like, why do you care? 1.00

00:58:15.000 People have called me a misogynist.

00:58:17.000 I love, love women. 1.00

00:58:20.000 I love them, and I'm not sick of it.

00:58:26.000 I can see the feelings of maybe I'll get bored of this one day, but in eight years I haven't.

00:58:31.000 But why is that a point of concern for you if you're a happy person?

00:58:36.000 If life truly is a temporary existence, and if you are a good person, and you are, you're a very nice guy.

00:58:41.000 So if those bases are covered, then what difference is there?

00:58:46.000 I'm going to do some Asian math for you.

00:58:48.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:58:50.000 I'm 80% happy.

00:58:52.000 80% of my life I'm happy with how I'm living it, what I'm doing.

00:58:56.000 20% of my life is miserable.

00:58:58.000 I look at married people, I go, I want that.

00:59:01.000 I look at this and that, but I go, at the end of the day, when I do the math part, the Asian math part, I'm like, my life is so fucking awesome.

00:59:09.000 Whatever that next 20% to fill up that, to make it a 100% whatever, has to be so fucking amazing that I'm going to fucking risk what I have right now, you know? 0.99

00:59:21.000 So there's parts of my life that I'm like, oh shit, you know. 0.99

00:59:23.000 I don't have a wife. 0.99

00:59:24.000 I don't have kids that say I love you, dad. 1.00

00:59:26.000 Shit like that. 0.99

00:59:27.000 But you know what? 1.00

00:59:28.000 80%.

00:59:28.000 Pretty good.

00:59:29.000 Don't have to give that up to, you know.

00:59:31.000 But you don't know, Dave.

00:59:33.000 You don't know the love of a child. 1.00

00:59:35.000 That's some shit. 1.00

00:59:36.000 I know, but you also don't know the love of two fucking women fighting over your dick that don't speak English. 1.00

00:59:45.000 This is what I think. 1.00

00:59:47.000 Either or.

00:59:48.000 It doesn't matter.

00:59:49.000 And the real problem is people want it to be the way they're living only.

00:59:53.000 And you know what? 0.99

00:59:53.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99

00:59:54.000 I don't say never. 1.00

00:59:55.000 You know when someone goes, hey Dave, are you gay? 0.61

00:59:57.000 I go, not yet.

00:59:58.000 I don't know.

00:59:58.000 I might be one day.

00:59:59.000 So I might be married one day.

01:00:01.000 People go, are you going to get married?

01:00:02.000 And I used to say, no, I'm never getting married.

01:00:03.000 But I might one day.

01:00:04.000 I don't know if I'm not...

01:00:06.000 Dude, there's nothing wrong with anything you're saying. 0.99

01:00:08.000 But here's the thing that I do see with guys that fuck a lot. 0.99

01:00:12.000 Is they get into the... 1.00

01:00:14.000 You know, this, that, the group sex, the anal, threesomes. 1.00

01:00:18.000 Then it goes to trannies, shemales. 1.00

01:00:20.000 What? 0.97

01:00:20.000 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 0.97

01:00:21.000 For real?

01:00:23.000 Trannies is derogatory.

01:00:24.000 It is now, Wyatt.

01:00:25.000 Or TS. Transgender. 0.92

01:00:26.000 Dude, I got attacked by the transgenders. 1.00

01:00:28.000 Yes, me too. 0.99

01:00:29.000 Tranny is like saying nigger or jap or... 0.99

01:00:33.000 You say TS or trans or transsexual. 1.00

01:00:38.000 TS. Like, you know when midgets get mad for... 1.00

01:00:41.000 It's little people or... 0.98

01:00:43.000 What's...

01:00:43.000 FS with a TS. I don't know.

01:00:47.000 So...

01:00:47.000 But, you know, you keep...

01:00:49.000 You know, it's when you catch Hugh Grant or Eddie Murphy and they're with, like... 0.99

01:00:53.000 It's because they've already fucked Elizabeth Hurley. 1.00

01:00:55.000 They've already fucked the hottest supermodels, and then they want something else, you know? 1.00

01:01:00.000 So I understand that too, and people are like, Dave, the path you're on, you're gonna start letting guys suck your dick. 1.00

01:01:05.000 Just for fun. 1.00

01:01:06.000 Just to feel the stubble on your balls, you know? 0.99

01:01:08.000 You're getting there, and I'm like... 0.99

01:01:10.000 It's possible, right?

01:01:11.000 It is possible.

01:01:12.000 Anything's possible, man. 0.99

01:01:13.000 I see fucking blue snakes in this room right now. 0.99

01:01:16.000 As your friend, I would say it's possible. 1.00

01:01:18.000 And I would say don't worry.

01:01:19.000 Because it's not the worst thing that can happen to you.

01:01:21.000 Right. 1.00

01:01:22.000 There's a lot worse shit. 1.00

01:01:23.000 But I'm going to bring all this shit back to Mexico. 1.00

01:01:25.000 So this is what's going on in my life. 1.00

01:01:28.000 And people tell me shit about the red rope. 0.98

01:01:31.000 But I get to Mexico. 1.00

01:01:33.000 I'm not there to fuck. 1.00

01:01:34.000 I'm there to paint. 0.99

01:01:35.000 But, you know the thing about love?

01:01:37.000 The funny thing about love?

01:01:39.000 You never know when it's gonna hit, right?

01:01:45.000 I can see you entering through bead doors.

01:01:48.000 Remember those bead doors that they used to have when you would buy porn when you were a kid?

01:01:53.000 In Mexico, I painted with one of the last living Mexican surrealists, Pedro Fredoberg, which was an amazing experience.

01:02:01.000 What is his actual name?

01:02:02.000 Pedro Fredoberg.

01:02:04.000 Pedro Fredoberg.

01:02:05.000 He's amazing.

01:02:06.000 He's old school.

01:02:06.000 He's like 80 years old, still drinks mezcal, smokes, and we just sat and painted.

01:02:12.000 But I also met...

01:02:13.000 The greatest comedian of all time. 0.99

01:02:15.000 Of all fucking... 0.99

01:02:17.000 Joey Diaz? 1.00

01:02:18.000 No, no, no.

01:02:19.000 Joey Diaz is funny, but this... 1.00

01:02:21.000 This is on some next level shit. 0.99

01:02:25.000 What's this guy's name again? 1.00

01:02:26.000 Pedro...

01:02:26.000 Fredo...

01:02:27.000 Fredo...

01:02:28.000 F-E-R-O... He's a Jewish-Mexican, so it's... 1.00

01:02:31.000 That's hilarious.

01:02:32.000 I'm looking him up.

01:02:33.000 Oh, there he is.

01:02:35.000 He's like the MC Escher of Mexican art, you know?

01:02:38.000 So I'm having, like, this...

01:02:40.000 I'm painting with him for the show. 0.99

01:02:41.000 I'm painting my own shit. 0.99

01:02:44.000 And you never know when love's gonna hit you, you know? 0.99

01:02:47.000 So I meet this girl in Mexico, my Mexican girlfriend.

01:02:50.000 My friends love calling her that.

01:02:52.000 And she doesn't have a phone that I can text her.

01:02:55.000 So we have a super like WB Dawson's Creek kind of relationship where she lives two blocks from my studio.

01:03:02.000 And to contact me, she has to throw rocks or lighters or sticks at my window. 0.99

01:03:07.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:03:08.000 So I'm like, cool.

01:03:10.000 This is what it feels like to be a normal person.

01:03:13.000 Every morning I wake up and I have a job to paint this show.

01:03:16.000 It's not like, oh, next week I'm going to be in Cambodia.

01:03:19.000 It's like, every day I'm painting.

01:03:21.000 So that feels regular.

01:03:23.000 And now I have this chick that really likes me.

01:03:25.000 She's an architect.

01:03:26.000 I like her.

01:03:27.000 And this is what it feels like to have a girlfriend, you know?

01:03:31.000 So I'm like, cool.

01:03:32.000 And she's super busy, so she doesn't have that much time for me anyways.

01:03:35.000 And we didn't have sex right away.

01:03:38.000 I really liked her. 0.99

01:03:39.000 And she did this weird move that we talk about on our show all the time, which is black people, when they have sex with Asa, they never take their shoes off or their socks off. 1.00

01:03:48.000 They need traction. 0.99

01:03:50.000 It's a weird thing.

01:03:51.000 She says they'll even take their pants off and their shoes to take the pants off and then put the shoes back on. 0.99

01:03:57.000 They want to be able to fuck with a lot of force behind it. 0.99

01:03:59.000 And she was the same way. 0.98

01:04:01.000 She's like, I won't take my socks off the first time we did it.

01:04:05.000 The lights were off.

01:04:06.000 She's like, I'm not taking my socks off. 0.95

01:04:07.000 I'm like, oh, like black guys. 1.00

01:04:08.000 And she goes, no, like Woody Allen.

01:04:10.000 And I go, oh, I don't.

01:04:11.000 Stop saying that. 0.99

01:04:12.000 So I'm fucking her and the whole time she's like, like Woody Allen. 1.00

01:04:15.000 I'm like, stop saying Woody Allen. 0.99

01:04:18.000 I really like this girl.

01:04:21.000 This is a joke that I've killed but I keep saying. 0.91

01:04:23.000 It's the worst STD you could possibly catch.

01:04:26.000 Feelings.

01:04:27.000 I like her.

01:04:30.000 It's going good.

01:04:33.000 All of a sudden, the show became a relationship advisor, David Cho. 0.99

01:04:36.000 And one night, because she loves drinking, she's a hard-drinking Mexican, sloppy, we're having sloppy sex, and she goes, you like my little piece? 1.00

01:04:47.000 And I go, what? 1.00

01:04:49.000 And she goes, I have a little piece.

01:04:52.000 And her English isn't perfect, so I go, I don't know what you're saying right now.

01:04:56.000 And she goes, it's really shy, and it doesn't come out all the time.

01:05:00.000 And I go, what? 1.00

01:05:01.000 And she goes, you know, like a little penis. 1.00

01:05:03.000 And I go... 0.99

01:05:04.000 And the thing is, every night, every day that I painted in Mexico, my hands are caked in paint.

01:05:10.000 Right.

01:05:10.000 And I would come home and I'd scrub them so she would let me finger her, you know?

01:05:14.000 And...

01:05:14.000 Girls...

01:05:16.000 You know...

01:05:16.000 Joe, you know how many urinary tract infections...

01:05:19.000 This podcast is the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life.

01:05:21.000 I know, me too.

01:05:22.000 I agree.

01:05:22.000 Joe, you know how many urinary tract infections these hands have given?

01:05:25.000 I know now.

01:05:25.000 I... Wow.

01:05:26.000 I cut my nails.

01:05:28.000 I scrub them.

01:05:29.000 Even with the scrubbing, I get some paint on still.

01:05:31.000 But if I'm painting a giant mural like that, I'm going for it.

01:05:35.000 My hands are covered in paint.

01:05:36.000 And then the chemicals you use to take the paint off as well, right?

01:05:39.000 Doesn't that linger in the skin?

01:05:40.000 Exactly.

01:05:41.000 So I go home and I spend hours cleaning my hands because I want a finger.

01:05:45.000 Could you get a chick drunk with turpentine? 1.00

01:05:47.000 I'm sure you can, you know?

01:05:48.000 It seems like that would absorb in the skin.

01:05:51.000 Yeah.

01:05:51.000 Yeah, somehow or another.

01:05:54.000 That guy's weird.

01:05:55.000 That doesn't clean. 0.67

01:05:56.000 That guy's a weird guy. 1.00

01:05:56.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

01:05:57.000 Don't say shit like that, dude. 1.00

01:05:58.000 If you just stopped and thought about half the shit you said, just cut out half of them, you'd be amazing. 1.00

01:06:03.000 You'd be like the greatest podcast sidekick of all time. 1.00

01:06:06.000 So...

01:06:07.000 Right now you're number two.

01:06:08.000 What do you get from...

01:06:09.000 I don't know who number one is.

01:06:10.000 What do you do from that, Joe? 1.00

01:06:12.000 You started having sex with a girl you really like. 0.99

01:06:15.000 She doesn't speak perfect English. 0.99

01:06:17.000 Man, I don't know.

01:06:18.000 And she tells you in the middle of the night she has an extra piece that only comes out sometimes.

01:06:22.000 You would have to really decide how much you liked her.

01:06:24.000 I really did like her.

01:06:25.000 So what difference does it make?

01:06:26.000 I've seen...

01:06:27.000 I've had a girl that tied that up.

01:06:28.000 What does it mean?

01:06:28.000 She said it and immediately my brain goes...

01:06:31.000 She's a transgender. 0.97

01:06:32.000 That's what you thought. 0.99

01:06:33.000 She said it and immediately my brain goes, oh my god, I'm going to lose my boner right now.

01:06:39.000 I'm like, I'm with a guy.

01:06:40.000 But it only got harder.

01:06:42.000 So I don't know what that's... 0.98

01:06:44.000 It means you're a savage.

01:06:46.000 You're enjoying the real primal-ness.

01:06:48.000 I tried to laugh it off.

01:06:49.000 I was like, what are you talking about? 1.00

01:06:52.000 And then you came like a fucking rhino. 1.00

01:06:57.000 As soon as she says it, I go for the fingers. 1.00

01:07:02.000 I'm searching.

01:07:03.000 And she goes, it's shy.

01:07:04.000 It doesn't come out all the time.

01:07:06.000 I go, my brain is thinking as soon as she walks out that door I'm gonna google hermaphrodite. 1.00

01:07:11.000 Is that even how it works that a penis is inside the vagina? 1.00

01:07:16.000 My dick is inside her vagina. 1.00

01:07:18.000 She has a dick in there. 1.00

01:07:20.000 Our dicks are rubbing right now. 1.00

01:07:21.000 Her little dick is going into my dick. 1.00

01:07:23.000 Well, it's not. 1.00

01:07:24.000 Most likely it's an enlarged clitoris, right? 1.00

01:07:26.000 No, no. 1.00

01:07:26.000 Her clit was fine. 1.00

01:07:28.000 I looked at the clit. 1.00

01:07:29.000 She said it was inside and it doesn't come out all the time. 0.96

01:07:32.000 Wait a minute.

01:07:32.000 Is this a real thing?

01:07:34.000 Did you look this up in medical journals?

01:07:36.000 I looked it up.

01:07:37.000 I couldn't find a picture of that.

01:07:38.000 What did you look up?

01:07:39.000 I've been with a girl that's like that.

01:07:40.000 Hermaphrodite.

01:07:40.000 So this is a hermaphrodite?

01:07:42.000 Hey, Joe, I think that the girl that's like that, what it is, it's like right on the top of the penis, some girls have this little thing that comes out, and it looks like a little baby kid's finger. 0.99

01:07:50.000 No, man, that's a clitoris. 1.00

01:07:52.000 It's just an enlarged clitoris. 1.00

01:07:52.000 No, Joe, I've seen women who have enlarged clitoris. 1.00

01:07:56.000 Where it comes out. 1.00

01:07:57.000 Yeah, and it looks like a little penis, but this is not that. 0.99

01:08:02.000 She had a normal clitoris, and I'm searching. 0.99

01:08:08.000 And here's the thing. 0.99

01:08:10.000 It's a weird thing to say to someone during sex.

01:08:14.000 Right.

01:08:14.000 It's a weird thing.

01:08:15.000 That's how you're gonna bring it up.

01:08:16.000 You're gonna bring it up.

01:08:17.000 Bring it up now.

01:08:18.000 So listen.

01:08:18.000 Exactly.

01:08:19.000 Bitch, don't pretend you ain't enjoying this sweet boy pussy. 1.00

01:08:22.000 But let's be honest. 1.00

01:08:24.000 This is a lot of things.

01:08:26.000 And it's a weird thing to say...

01:08:28.000 This is many things.

01:08:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:31.000 You enjoying the shit out of it, bitch. 1.00

01:08:33.000 She's constantly fucking herself. 1.00

01:08:34.000 And she's like, oh, your dick got harder. 1.00

01:08:36.000 Yeah, I guess, right? 1.00

01:08:37.000 Yeah.

01:08:38.000 I'm going to look for images, human hermaphrodite. 0.99

01:08:41.000 Okie dokie.

01:08:41.000 Did you find it?

01:08:42.000 Did you taste it?

01:08:43.000 Whoa, it's very odd.

01:08:44.000 I don't want to see what you're looking at right now.

01:08:47.000 It's not what I thought it is.

01:08:50.000 That's fascinating.

01:08:51.000 And because I overanalyze everything, I start thinking, am I gay now?

01:08:55.000 And there's a little liberating feeling.

01:08:58.000 I'm like, yes, finally, I'm gay.

01:09:00.000 There's nothing about this girl.

01:09:02.000 Let me see her face.

01:09:03.000 Brian, there's nothing about this chick that's male.

01:09:06.000 She's a beautiful girl.

01:09:07.000 She's cute. 0.95

01:09:08.000 That might be a little hot then.

01:09:10.000 I'm like, I found the perfect man.

01:09:12.000 Woman. 1.00

01:09:13.000 Well, I hang out with my guy friends all day, and I go on bro dates, and I'm like, man, I wish you had a pussy. 1.00

01:09:18.000 Wow, that is just so weird to say. 1.00

01:09:20.000 I don't know if I would keep eating.

01:09:23.000 You're on a lunch date, and you're like, I might need my energy to fight this dude off. 0.99

01:09:28.000 I don't know what the fuck's going down next. 0.98

01:09:31.000 Joe, you don't have guy friends? 0.99

01:09:32.000 Let's go. 1.00

01:09:32.000 I could rape you if I wanted. 1.00

01:09:33.000 No, Greg Fitzsimmons has a very funny joke about if he was trapped on a deserted island and he'd get to pick his wife or one of his friends, he would go, I would take a guy. 0.99

01:09:43.000 He has this great joke. 0.98

01:09:45.000 It's fucking funny. 0.99

01:09:46.000 And he's like, because we would just laugh, we'd go in the woods and jerk off, and then we'd just be hanging out with each other. 0.99

01:09:52.000 He goes, if it was my wife, it would be like, bah, [...

01:09:56.000 I'm not doing that bit justice, by the way, Greg.

01:09:59.000 Sorry, I'm paraphrasing. 0.99

01:10:00.000 Pick a guy, and you have to be bigger than him, in case that day comes when you want to rape your friend, also. 1.00

01:10:05.000 Why would you rape your friend? 1.00

01:10:06.000 If you were really friends, you'd jerk each other off. 1.00

01:10:08.000 That's true. 1.00

01:10:08.000 Trapped on an island together, I'd jerk you off. 1.00

01:10:10.000 Is it getting a butthole to butthole, just touching buttholes? 1.00

01:10:14.000 It's not as gay, but it's all gay. 1.00

01:10:16.000 You're naked, you're trying to cum. 1.00

01:10:17.000 It's gay. 1.00

01:10:19.000 If you were at that point where you're rubbing buttholes and you're telling a chick, like, look, baby, we were on that island for ten years. 0.99

01:10:25.000 The worst I did is rub buttholes with her. 1.00

01:10:27.000 She'd be like, why don't you just suck each other off? 1.00

01:10:29.000 Who cares? 1.00

01:10:29.000 You're trapped on an island. 1.00

01:10:31.000 He pooped into my butt, I pooped into his butt. 1.00

01:10:34.000 It's not just how long would you hold out in prison. 1.00

01:10:38.000 Would you want to hold out?

01:10:41.000 It's an amazing skill to have to just send your mind somewhere else. 0.91

01:10:45.000 The whole thing if you're getting raped and you just want to go somewhere else. 0.79

01:10:48.000 We're not even talking about rape. 1.00

01:10:49.000 We're just talking about gay sex. 1.00

01:10:50.000 You blowing your buddy because you're both just collecting coconuts for the rest of your life on this deserted island. 1.00

01:10:55.000 Occasionally one of you gets a boner.

01:10:57.000 You're like, come on, man.

01:10:58.000 Can you just pretend you're a girl, bro? 0.99

01:11:00.000 I fucking love you. 1.00

01:11:00.000 I saved you from that snake. 1.00

01:11:02.000 First of all, are you right-handed or left-handed?

01:11:04.000 I'm right-handed, but I use my left hand for a lot of things.

01:11:06.000 Well, I'm left-handed, and I jerk off with my left hand, so we could do side-by-side.

01:11:10.000 And also... 0.98

01:11:11.000 Luggies.

01:11:11.000 Interesting.

01:11:12.000 But the thing is...

01:11:13.000 Did you do that from holding an iPad with your right?

01:11:15.000 You get, like, really good with the iPad?

01:11:16.000 Yeah.

01:11:17.000 And you just, like...

01:11:17.000 Oh, I'm amazing.

01:11:18.000 I'm like Tom Cruise in the fucking Minority Report. 1.00

01:11:22.000 But I just close my eyes, and I just try to pretend like it was my dick. 1.00

01:11:26.000 Okay. 0.99

01:11:26.000 It would be like doing The Stranger when you sit on your hand and you make it go numb. 0.99

01:11:29.000 I would just pretend I was a girl for five minutes.

01:11:31.000 Jesus Christ, how hard would it be? 1.00

01:11:32.000 Why would you just fuck a coconut? 1.00

01:11:33.000 Just put some hot oil in your hand and jerk your friend off. 1.00

01:11:35.000 I'm a pretty girl. 1.00

01:11:36.000 Jesus Christ.

01:11:36.000 It's not gay.

01:11:37.000 You're helping each other out.

01:11:38.000 You're both trapped. 0.98

01:11:39.000 Is it gay to get a massage? 0.99

01:11:41.000 I used to think it was gay to get a massage by men. 0.96

01:11:43.000 Yes. 0.81

01:11:43.000 Until I realized that... 0.81

01:11:44.000 It is gay until they stick their fingers in your butthole. 1.00

01:11:47.000 I'm a manly man and I need hard massages. 1.00

01:11:50.000 I can't just get a regular massage because I'm thick.

01:11:53.000 Thick like a bowling ball, son.

01:11:54.000 I know a couple of Thai girls that would take care of me if they ever go to a guy. 1.00

01:11:58.000 No, trust me, dude.

01:11:58.000 They can't do it.

01:12:00.000 I go through these tortured deep tissue massage sessions that you need a really strong dude to do.

01:12:06.000 I'm in pain right now because I got a Thai chick to just destroy me last night. 1.00

01:12:10.000 Oh, really? 0.96

01:12:11.000 I was crying.

01:12:12.000 I was like, what is that?

01:12:13.000 What stuff?

01:12:14.000 She probably wouldn't make me cry, though.

01:12:16.000 Because you're a real man.

01:12:17.000 You're a manly man. 0.91

01:12:18.000 I'm a savage. 1.00

01:12:18.000 When it comes to Thai massages, no, when they step on your back especially, that is pretty intense shit. 1.00

01:12:24.000 I went to one once and this lady was standing on either side of my back and she had her hands clamped on my wrist and had my arms like stretched back and she was just walking up and down my back and I was like, wow! 1.00

01:12:35.000 Wow.

01:12:36.000 Like, this lady's probably done this a thousand million times. 1.00

01:12:39.000 She just had it down.

01:12:40.000 It was almost like a jujitsu move.

01:12:42.000 Right.

01:12:42.000 Like, you get really good at a triangle, and then you lock it in tight.

01:12:45.000 It's just strong in that position.

01:12:47.000 That's how she was with this crazy arm thing. 0.89

01:12:49.000 When's the first time you got a massage by a guy?

01:12:51.000 Like, years ago?

01:12:52.000 A long time ago.

01:12:54.000 First time was this Mexican dude who worked for, I think it was a Mexican boxing team.

01:13:00.000 But you had the conversation in your head, right? 1.00

01:13:02.000 You're like, it's not gay, I don't give a shit. 1.00

01:13:03.000 No, no, he wasn't gay, he was a married dude. 0.99

01:13:05.000 No, no, I'm saying for you, you're like... 0.99

01:13:07.000 We fucked a couple of times, but it was just because I owed him money. 0.92

01:13:09.000 No, no, no. 0.99

01:13:10.000 You had had massages by women, and you had made up your mind, it's not strong enough. 0.94

01:13:15.000 Actually, no.

01:13:16.000 I need a man to do it. 0.65

01:13:17.000 Actually, no.

01:13:18.000 I'd never had a massage by a woman.

01:13:19.000 I'd never had a massage, period.

01:13:20.000 Oh, okay.

01:13:21.000 And this guy was shocked that I was a competitive athlete, and that I never had a massage.

01:13:25.000 And I had done all this martial arts competition and everything, and I never had a massage.

01:13:30.000 When I was...

01:13:31.000 When I was young, my approach to nutrition and vitamin supplementation and all that, it was really kind of crappy.

01:13:37.000 And so I never got massages when I was competing. 0.99

01:13:40.000 I never did any of that shit. 0.96

01:13:41.000 So this one dude who was a friend of a friend who had a problem with his shoulder is like, I'm telling you, man, this dude changed the way my body moved. 0.97

01:13:49.000 It doesn't feel good. 0.98

01:13:51.000 It fucking hurts. 0.96

01:13:51.000 But when it's over, everything just sort of snaps and flows and moves good. 0.96

01:13:57.000 He loosens you up.

01:13:58.000 And he had this...

01:13:59.000 Happy ending?

01:14:00.000 No happy ending.

01:14:01.000 But he had this way of...

01:14:03.000 It was like a... 0.97

01:14:04.000 I think it's called a pressure release or point release or something like that style of massage where you would just fucking trigger release. 0.88

01:14:12.000 They would just pinch down on these muscles and pull it across. 0.99

01:14:15.000 It fucking hurts, man. 0.99

01:14:17.000 It's similar in a way to rolfing. 0.99

01:14:19.000 Have you ever had that done?

01:14:20.000 Yeah.

01:14:21.000 Rolfing is another really brutal form of massage.

01:14:25.000 I've had it all, man.

01:14:26.000 That stuff's great, though.

01:14:27.000 That stuff, if you work out a lot, is like...

01:14:30.000 What?

01:14:30.000 I went...

01:14:31.000 I had that conversation with myself, too, like, years ago when I lived in New York.

01:14:35.000 There's a Russian bathhouse, like, on the Lower East Side. 0.99

01:14:38.000 It's like a schvitz and all that shit. 1.00

01:14:40.000 And I was like, shit, I feel like shit, I should get a massage. 1.00

01:14:42.000 And they're like, there's only... 1.00

01:14:43.000 Do you care?

01:14:44.000 There's only guys.

01:14:45.000 And I was like...

01:14:45.000 At that point, I'd only gotten a massage from women.

01:14:47.000 I'm like, what the fuck do I care? 0.99

01:14:50.000 You know, it's not sexual. 0.97

01:14:51.000 And it's like, guys...

01:14:52.000 Cut to...

01:14:54.000 Well, it's like I had a problem of getting boners every time I got a massage, no matter what, just because I loved someone touching me like that.

01:15:05.000 You remember the Seinfeld where George is like, I think it moved?

01:15:09.000 So I'm like, I don't even want to mistakenly get a boner, but I was like, whatever.

01:15:13.000 It was like an old Eastern European guy.

01:15:15.000 Bunch of Fedor looking dudes.

01:15:17.000 Not your type.

01:15:17.000 I'm like, whatever.

01:15:18.000 What did he look like?

01:15:19.000 He was like an old man. 0.99

01:15:20.000 If you had to compare him to a movie star.

01:15:23.000 Ben Gazzari.

01:15:24.000 He looked like Ben Gazzari.

01:15:26.000 Ben Gazzari. 0.97

01:15:26.000 Who the hell is that? 0.97

01:15:27.000 What, are you watching indie films? 0.90

01:15:29.000 Yeah.

01:15:30.000 He's an actor.

01:15:34.000 I think he was Vincent Gallo's dad in Buffalo 66. Oh my god.

01:15:38.000 That was obscure.

01:15:39.000 That was supposed to be a good movie.

01:15:41.000 It is really good.

01:15:42.000 It's about gambling.

01:15:43.000 Ben Gazzari?

01:15:44.000 Yeah.

01:15:44.000 Is he in your spank bag?

01:15:45.000 Wait, why do you want this visual right now?

01:15:47.000 I don't know.

01:15:48.000 I'm trying to...

01:15:49.000 Oh, Ben Gazzara.

01:15:51.000 Yes. 1.00

01:15:51.000 Oh, that guy's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:15:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:54.000 He's been in a lot of shit. 1.00

01:15:56.000 So I'm like, I'm not going to get a boner during a Ben Gazzara massage. 1.00

01:15:58.000 Oh, yes you would. 0.58

01:15:59.000 I would if it was Ben Gazzara.

01:16:01.000 Just out of respect.

01:16:02.000 And also, I hadn't gotten a lot of massages where I take all my clothes off.

01:16:05.000 I always leave my boxers on or something.

01:16:07.000 So I get in the room and he's like...

01:16:10.000 Oh, he's dead.

01:16:10.000 He goes, take your clothes off.

01:16:12.000 And I'm like, all right, whatever. 0.99

01:16:14.000 And then he puts the oil on and he starts massaging my butt. 0.99

01:16:19.000 The butt is the exclamation point on his massage. 0.98

01:16:22.000 It's shoulders, back to butt. 0.97

01:16:24.000 Calves, back to butt.

01:16:26.000 And I go, hey, you know, butt's not that sore.

01:16:30.000 It's cool, thanks. 0.76

01:16:33.000 And then he just started kneading my butt and started talking about how he misses home and this. 0.74

01:16:38.000 And I was like... 1.00

01:16:39.000 I was like, dude, you gotta stop touching my ass, man. 1.00

01:16:43.000 I'm over it. 1.00

01:16:43.000 Please stop doing that. 1.00

01:16:45.000 And then he kept doing it, and I was like, alright.

01:16:46.000 He kept doing it after you told him to stop?

01:16:48.000 Well, he was in a zone, just talking to himself, pretending like it wasn't happening. 1.00

01:16:52.000 He was ready to suck your dick. 1.00

01:16:53.000 I was like, alright. 1.00

01:16:54.000 And that was the last time. 1.00

01:16:55.000 How many dicks do you think you probably sucked that week? 1.00

01:16:57.000 Him or me? 1.00

01:16:57.000 That guy. 1.00

01:16:58.000 Oh, uh...

01:17:02.000 It's probably his move, man.

01:17:03.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:17:04.000 Listen, I miss home. 1.00

01:17:06.000 The only way to get away from this miss is penis and mouth. 1.00

01:17:09.000 Come on. 1.00

01:17:09.000 I just had the worst massage thing. 1.00

01:17:11.000 I think I'm done now.

01:17:13.000 I was in Santa Monica, and it was like...

01:17:15.000 I was trying to get...

01:17:16.000 Think carefully if you want to say this on the air.

01:17:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:17:18.000 Yeah, it's fine.

01:17:18.000 But I was actually thinking, I'll just get a legit massage.

01:17:22.000 This place was open really late though, but it looked really nice outside.

01:17:26.000 So I was like, are you open?

01:17:28.000 And I think they might have just sent the last girl home because I saw this pretty decent looking girl walk out the side door. 1.00

01:17:35.000 What time is it?

01:17:36.000 9.30.

01:17:39.000 There's really, for the most part, no legit massages happening after 9.30.

01:17:43.000 Most massage places close down around 9.00.

01:17:47.000 Yeah, but this was right down the street from Boa, so I'm like, alright, it can't be too crazy.

01:17:51.000 So I go in, and this really old, fat Asian lady was there, and I was like, are you open? 1.00

01:17:56.000 And she's like, oh yeah, yeah. 0.92

01:17:58.000 So I go in the room, and I now just always take all my clothes off.

01:18:02.000 I don't even keep boxers on all the time now, just in case if the girl's really hot, that's cool. 1.00

01:18:07.000 But I just wanted a real massage.

01:18:09.000 And then she walks in wearing a dress, no underwear.

01:18:12.000 Nice. 0.88

01:18:13.000 And cut really short and just fat and old, like a grandma old. 0.96

01:18:18.000 And she was dressed up, totally changed clothes. 0.74

01:18:21.000 I heard somebody go to the bathroom, so that means she went into the bathroom and washed herself, you know, and stuff like that, because she smelled like this perfume. 0.93

01:18:29.000 And then she gets on top of me. 0.99

01:18:32.000 Removes the towel, gets on top of me, and just kept on bouncing. 1.00

01:18:35.000 Her vagina was on my butthole. 1.00

01:18:39.000 Oh, she's on you? 1.00

01:18:40.000 Yeah, on me, just bouncing.

01:18:41.000 And then she's just not really massaging or anything.

01:18:44.000 Shaved?

01:18:45.000 I don't think so.

01:18:47.000 I was freaked out.

01:18:48.000 And so I was just like, play dead, play dead, play dead.

01:18:50.000 Don't even make a noise.

01:18:53.000 I'm thinking, like, I hope she, like, really gets off me if she just start massaging me. 0.82

01:18:58.000 So suddenly she starts rubbing her hands on my back and she had calluses or something. 0.99

01:19:02.000 Nice.

01:19:02.000 Because it just scratched.

01:19:03.000 Nice.

01:19:03.000 And it hurt, though.

01:19:05.000 Like, it felt like she was, like, stabbing me, like, hurry.

01:19:07.000 Let's see.

01:19:08.000 So I'm just like, ah, ah.

01:19:10.000 And then, like, she flips me over eventually and stuff like that.

01:19:13.000 Is there any point where you're like, I'm going to just leave right now?

01:19:15.000 No, because I didn't want to be rude. 0.97

01:19:18.000 And I thought she was kind of trying, and then she started playing with my butt and stuff. 1.00

01:19:25.000 A lot of places give you prostate massages, and I'm trying to tighten it up. 0.79

01:19:29.000 That's one of the funniest statements anybody could ever say.

01:19:31.000 A lot of places give you prostate massages.

01:19:32.000 No, it's pretty popular.

01:19:34.000 Compared to what? 0.96

01:19:35.000 I'm really good now at like what you said like when uncomfortable like shit like that I would be bad at leaving because yeah but like now I walk out of movies I walk out of massages. 0.89

01:19:45.000 Oh really you just get up? 0.93

01:19:46.000 I'm just like I'm not into this anymore and I just get up and I leave. 0.98

01:19:49.000 I should have done that yeah it ended really bad and then when she flipped me over she just kept on like touching my dick and I'm like no like this and stuff like that and then she finally gave up. 1.00

01:19:58.000 And then left, and then came in and watched me. 0.99

01:20:00.000 Gave up like you didn't get hard for her?

01:20:01.000 No, I couldn't. 1.00

01:20:02.000 Shut up. 0.99

01:20:03.000 No, seriously, I didn't. 0.99

01:20:04.000 I was so grossed out.

01:20:05.000 I was, like, freaked out.

01:20:06.000 I had my eyes closed.

01:20:07.000 How many times have you been back?

01:20:08.000 I'll never get back that.

01:20:09.000 How many times have you jerked off thinking about it?

01:20:11.000 Never. 0.94

01:20:12.000 She's not in my spank bank. 1.00

01:20:13.000 It was too gross. 0.96

01:20:14.000 My spank bank... 1.00

01:20:16.000 There's a massage place by my house.

01:20:18.000 Which one?

01:20:19.000 That...

01:20:19.000 Listen, let's not name names.

01:20:21.000 No, no, no.

01:20:21.000 I don't want to get anybody in trouble.

01:20:23.000 I live in Koreatown.

01:20:24.000 Oh, cool.

01:20:24.000 And I've been going to this place for over 10 years, you know?

01:20:28.000 Do they have young girls?

01:20:29.000 No, it's not a sex place. 0.81

01:20:32.000 It's a complete, legitimate massage place. 0.99

01:20:33.000 And like Joe, when I go to a place when it's like some white chick or something, it's not a good massage. 1.00

01:20:39.000 Right. 1.00

01:20:39.000 You go to the Thai place or you go to the Korean place where they look like your mother, they fucking rip your shit up, dude. 1.00

01:20:47.000 They go fucking crazy. 1.00

01:20:49.000 Like, you know, they give you... 1.00

01:20:50.000 They get in there.

01:20:51.000 They stand on your back. 1.00

01:20:52.000 They pound your shit. 1.00

01:20:53.000 And yeah, afterwards you feel all svelte and nice and flowy, whatever. 1.00

01:20:57.000 Gio's boxing gym in Burbank, there's a massage parlor that's connected to it.

01:21:01.000 Dude, dude, dude, dude.

01:21:02.000 No, no, no.

01:21:03.000 Best good, legit massage.

01:21:04.000 Okay.

01:21:05.000 Legit massage.

01:21:05.000 So this is a place I've been going to for 10 years.

01:21:09.000 Not that much, but, you know, every time I know that I just want a regular massage, I know that some chick that looks like my mom or my aunt is going to give me a great massage, and then I'm done, you know? 0.97

01:21:20.000 But I haven't been back for a few years.

01:21:22.000 I moved to New York, whatever.

01:21:25.000 And my way of dealing that whole thing with me puking before going on shows is I started getting massages, like hard ones.

01:21:33.000 I'm like, it has to be a hard, deep tissue.

01:21:34.000 And I was like, I'm going to go back to that place.

01:21:36.000 And so I already told this story, but I'll tell it quick.

01:21:41.000 It's the same story as yours.

01:21:44.000 It's 9.30 or 10, all the, you know...

01:21:47.000 They're not ugly, but they're just older, and it's just the mama-san. 0.98

01:21:52.000 I'm like, oh, I'll just come back.

01:21:54.000 And she's like, no, no, no, just come in.

01:21:56.000 And I'm like, okay. 0.95

01:21:57.000 Never once even thought that I was going to get a handjob. 0.99

01:22:02.000 I get in there, she comes in, and then I'm like, oh, the fucking lady, the receptionist is giving it. 1.00

01:22:07.000 I'm like, all right, cool. 0.99

01:22:09.000 Amazing massage.

01:22:10.000 Cracks my neck. 1.00

01:22:12.000 Cracking sounds back, just fucking doing it. 1.00

01:22:15.000 And then, you know, she flips me over and starts jerking me off. 1.00

01:22:19.000 And I'm like... 0.99

01:22:22.000 Oh, that's what I thought.

01:22:23.000 When I came in, it was always like a $40 massage place, like a cheap Korean massage. 1.00

01:22:27.000 And then it was $75 now or something like that.

01:22:30.000 I was like, what?

01:22:31.000 A $30 increase? 0.99

01:22:32.000 And like, what the fuck is that? 0.99

01:22:34.000 That's a bargain and a half though. 0.99

01:22:36.000 If you're like, what could they be doing different?

01:22:37.000 Maybe it's an incense tax.

01:22:40.000 Maybe it's scented candles that they have to pay.

01:22:42.000 She flips me over and she goes like, like she just does a couple of ball flicks. 1.00

01:22:48.000 Like, do you want this?

01:22:48.000 And I was like, I was like, no, but I was like, Yeah.

01:22:52.000 You were like, no, but you were like, yeah.

01:22:54.000 What are you like, 12?

01:22:55.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:22:56.000 And I was like, Brian, there's no way I'm going to get hard.

01:22:59.000 But because she's a professional, whatever she did, lots of hot oil, I'm like, whoa.

01:23:06.000 And then, I'm pretty sure this is a massage parlor faux pas.

01:23:10.000 The bell from someone else coming in, hello, is someone in here?

01:23:14.000 She goes, okay, wait.

01:23:15.000 So mid-jerk, she stops.

01:23:19.000 And I hear, you know, it's like a small place, so I hear their whole conversation.

01:23:22.000 He's like, hey, is Rachel or Jenny working tonight?

01:23:25.000 She's like, no, everyone go home.

01:23:27.000 Wait 10 minutes, maybe 5 minutes.

01:23:30.000 And the guys, you could tell he's like, no, I think I'll come.

01:23:34.000 He's like, no, no, stay.

01:23:35.000 I give you a discount.

01:23:36.000 I give you a $10 discount.

01:23:37.000 And he's like, ah.

01:23:38.000 And I'm sitting there, and my bone is just going...

01:23:41.000 And I'm like...

01:23:42.000 Because you're seeing her actively be rejected.

01:23:44.000 It's bad on both fronts.

01:23:45.000 And just like, I got a break.

01:23:47.000 I'm like, I could cut out right now.

01:23:48.000 And I'm like, I should leave.

01:23:52.000 And then the negotiation is like, he's one foot out the door.

01:23:56.000 He's like, I don't know.

01:23:57.000 He's like, no, no, no, no.

01:23:57.000 Come in.

01:23:58.000 I'll be done in five...

01:23:59.000 No, three minutes I'll be finished.

01:24:00.000 Three minutes.

01:24:01.000 I'm like...

01:24:04.000 I'm going to get up.

01:24:04.000 Okay, I'm going to count to ten in my head right now.

01:24:08.000 Ten, nine.

01:24:08.000 When I get to one, I'm going to walk out the door.

01:24:10.000 So I start sitting up, and then she... 0.99

01:24:13.000 The guy's like, I'm going to go.

01:24:14.000 And he left, and she runs back in, and she goes, lay down.

01:24:17.000 And I go, okay.

01:24:18.000 So I lay down, and now I'm deflated.

01:24:20.000 I'm like...

01:24:21.000 I said, it's okay.

01:24:22.000 I'm just going to go.

01:24:23.000 And she goes, no, no, no.

01:24:24.000 And she starts up again, and now she's just playing with my wet noodle.

01:24:27.000 It's not...

01:24:27.000 It's like...

01:24:28.000 There's too much thought in.

01:24:29.000 And I go...

01:24:30.000 Stop right there.

01:24:31.000 Is there a sadder moment in life?

01:24:33.000 No, it's... 1.00

01:24:34.000 Someone's tugging on your dick and you don't want them to? 1.00

01:24:35.000 Yeah, I'm like, it's done. 1.00

01:24:36.000 It's cool.

01:24:38.000 This lady's face... 1.00

01:24:39.000 And it's a dark room.

01:24:40.000 She doesn't give a... 1.00

01:24:42.000 She's a trained, trained assassin. 1.00

01:24:46.000 She wasn't even worried for a second.

01:24:48.000 She goes, okay, okay.

01:24:50.000 She reaches behind her and tears a piece of saran wrap.

01:24:53.000 And I go, what's going to happen now?

01:24:56.000 I don't know what this is right now. 1.00

01:24:57.000 And she fucking, like, puts some shit on my ass, some lube, and she, like, puts the saran... 1.00

01:25:01.000 She holds my legs up like this and taps my legs like, like, hold your legs. 1.00

01:25:05.000 And I'm like, okay.

01:25:06.000 So I'm holding my legs like this, and I go, I don't know what's gonna happen right now, but I'm going for it. 1.00

01:25:12.000 She puts the saran wrap over my butthole, and I go, she's gonna lick my ass right now, like, through the saran wrap. 1.00

01:25:19.000 To this day, besides the part where when I was a kid and I put a vacuum cleaner on my butthole, I've never felt this before. 1.00

01:25:24.000 She didn't stick her tongue into my butthole. 1.00

01:25:27.000 She sucked my butthole. 1.00

01:25:29.000 She put her lips around my butthole and sucked, and I was like, never felt that before. 1.00

01:25:34.000 Whoa! 1.00

01:25:35.000 Dick gets hard immediately. 0.99

01:25:36.000 A few seconds. 1.00

01:25:38.000 You shot a load without even jerking off? 0.99

01:25:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:25:40.000 No, she jerked me off, but it was like... 0.99

01:25:43.000 How much time between her putting the saran wrap over your butthole and you shooting a load? 1.00

01:25:49.000 How much time? 0.99

01:25:49.000 15 seconds to put the saran wrap, 5 seconds to shoot. 0.99

01:25:54.000 You just got hard immediately? 1.00

01:25:58.000 I've heard of girls putting their finger up a guy's butt and licking it. 1.00

01:26:02.000 She sucked the butthole. 1.00

01:26:04.000 She sucked my butthole. 1.00

01:26:06.000 So I'm filled with so much shame. 1.00

01:26:10.000 I'm like...

01:26:13.000 She's like, and you know, she just throws a towel on me. 1.00

01:26:16.000 She's like, okay, cool.

01:26:16.000 Oh my god.

01:26:18.000 And I'm like, you know, does this lady, when she goes to the supermarket and she buys the saran wrap, does the lady know what she's going to use it for when she brings it home and the kids are like, Grandma, why do you buy so much saran wrap every week?

01:26:31.000 Oh.

01:26:34.000 I go in the car and I go, I can never talk about this day.

01:26:38.000 What?

01:26:39.000 How dare you?

01:26:40.000 How dare you lie to yourself like that?

01:26:42.000 Well, unlike Brian, I've been back several times now.

01:26:44.000 And where is this again?

01:26:47.000 They hit hard times, you know?

01:26:48.000 It went from a totally legit place to... 1.00

01:26:51.000 Suck an asshole with saran wrap place. 1.00

01:26:53.000 You need to open your shit up a little more and quit judging so much, you know? 1.00

01:26:57.000 Oh, he's not judging. 1.00

01:26:58.000 Yeah, I had a horrible experience.

01:27:00.000 He's just doing it for comedy's sake.

01:27:02.000 Her hands hurt.

01:27:03.000 She gave me zero massage. 1.00

01:27:04.000 If she gave me some kind of massage, I would probably... 1.00

01:27:06.000 You have to be honest, man.

01:27:07.000 Just because you had a good experience doesn't mean you can't accidentally wind up with a demon.

01:27:11.000 We all know you can wind up with a demon.

01:27:13.000 That's true.

01:27:14.000 I had an old lady in Pasadena. 1.00

01:27:16.000 She was soft hands.

01:27:18.000 It was nice.

01:27:18.000 Don't say names or places.

01:27:21.000 Brian, she grinded on her butthole with her gilf-shaved pussy. 1.00

01:27:25.000 Come on, man. 1.00

01:27:26.000 Her what?

01:27:27.000 Gilf.

01:27:28.000 Grandma.

01:27:29.000 Oh, Grandma.

01:27:31.000 That's so dark.

01:27:32.000 So, Joe.

01:27:34.000 So, Dave. 0.99

01:27:34.000 First of all, that fucking story is one of the greatest stories I've ever heard in my life. 0.99

01:27:38.000 I was going to tell you, it changed my way of thinking about you being single. 1.00

01:27:41.000 I'm sweating right now.

01:27:42.000 I'm nervous.

01:27:42.000 Here's the thing.

01:27:43.000 It's like, that experience was so important and so funny, and there's so few people that would express it with the same kind of honesty and glee that you do it with, that it's almost like a disservice to mankind if you decide to settle down.

01:27:57.000 We have a real hard time with that.

01:28:00.000 And anybody who wants to stop your podcast is a cultural criminal.

01:28:04.000 Well, this is what I see after traveling a lot.

01:28:07.000 This is what I see in Chinese and Italian culture.

01:28:10.000 And it's like, in this society, there's a lot of crying, oh my god, my husband cheated on me!

01:28:15.000 It's like, yeah, that's just sort of what guys do.

01:28:17.000 There's sort of almost like an acceptance in China and Italy, where you got your guma and you got your wife, as long as you're... 1.00

01:28:25.000 Handjobs and girlfriend shit doesn't fuck with your family. 1.00

01:28:28.000 It's almost like an understanding of the wife knows you're gonna go get massage parlor handjobs or have a girlfriend, and it's like, just don't put it in my face. 1.00

01:28:38.000 You know? 1.00

01:28:39.000 Like, you have a business meeting, you guys are all gonna fuck hookers, get it, but don't bring it back to me, you know? 1.00

01:28:44.000 But that's in a lot of European cultures as well, right? 1.00

01:28:47.000 Like, the Prime Minister of France didn't he openly have...

01:28:50.000 They're like, they're cool.

01:28:51.000 They're just like...

01:28:52.000 I think Monica Bellucci said it about... 0.98

01:28:54.000 I want to ask you about this, because this is an important subject, I think.

01:28:58.000 What do you think is the cause for...

01:29:00.000 I mean, is it the sexual puritanism of America, where people would judge you on you being a nice person, you having fun, and just having these experiences which are readily out there for a lot of people, that somehow or another it's perhaps...

01:29:15.000 Perhaps, what am I, a lecturer?

01:29:17.000 Exploitative or that people would have a problem with the idea of using prostitution.

01:29:22.000 But at the end of the day, you're not really hurting anybody.

01:29:25.000 Is that one of the most important issues to concentrate on?

01:29:28.000 What is the reason why people do concentrate on it and get mad at you and judge you?

01:29:33.000 And I think it has to be based on insecurity.

01:29:36.000 It has to be based on the idea that if more men found out what you're doing, they would want to do it too. 0.99

01:29:42.000 Well, A, you had those Sex at Dawn guys in here, so there's a lot of weird religious shit. 0.99

01:29:47.000 Christopher Ryan? 0.99

01:29:48.000 The guys that wrote the Sex at Dawn?

01:29:50.000 Yeah, it's a guy.

01:29:52.000 Great guy, by the way.

01:29:55.000 Okay, so I went to the extreme version of that.

01:29:58.000 I just came back from Afghanistan, right?

01:29:59.000 Uh-huh.

01:30:01.000 You know, you're not supposed to judge other cultures, right?

01:30:04.000 And I get there, and I'm staying with a guy who runs, like, all the networks in Afghanistan, Saad Mohseni, and he's letting us crash at his place, and everyone's like, oh man, it's so backwards out there, like, the girls, they wear the burkas, 1.00

01:30:20.000 and you only see their eyes.

01:30:21.000 In Afghanistan, you don't even see the eyes. 1.00

01:30:23.000 It's complete.

01:30:25.000 You don't see...

01:30:26.000 Like mosquito netting.

01:30:27.000 You don't see flesh.

01:30:28.000 Like ghosts.

01:30:28.000 They're wearing gloves?

01:30:30.000 The shit goes to the feet. 1.00

01:30:31.000 You don't see flesh at all. 1.00

01:30:34.000 The dudes, what are they wearing?

01:30:36.000 Flip-flops?

01:30:37.000 Sweatpants?

01:30:38.000 They're chilling.

01:30:39.000 And it's like... 1.00

01:30:41.000 Don't fucking touch my girl. 1.00

01:30:42.000 Don't fucking look at her. 1.00

01:30:44.000 And you go back to this whole thing with insecurity? 1.00

01:30:47.000 That's what it is.

01:30:48.000 It's like, oh, if she cheats on you, if she talks to another guy, yeah, we stone her. 1.00

01:30:52.000 We beat the shit out of her. 1.00

01:30:53.000 It's like, the reason why the Taliban has no problem getting female suicide bombers is because your life is miserable if you're a woman in fucking Afghanistan. 1.00

01:31:02.000 You know? 1.00

01:31:03.000 Your husband beats you, and if you go to the police station to complain, then the fucking police beat you for complaining. 1.00

01:31:09.000 And it's just like... 0.99

01:31:11.000 We had two girls that are Westerners so they didn't have to wear the full burqa but they still had to cover their hair and wear jeans and long sleeve shirts or whatever. 1.00

01:31:21.000 And they took us to...

01:31:23.000 They took me to a calligraphy school to check out that Arabic calligraphy style. 1.00

01:31:30.000 I love that shit. 0.99

01:31:31.000 And they go, hey, if we go to the roof right now, we could see the whole city. 1.00

01:31:34.000 It's a beautiful view.

01:31:35.000 I go, cool, let's check it out.

01:31:36.000 So they went up first, and I was drawing with some kid.

01:31:39.000 And then Critter was with me, and he's like, dang, get up here right now!

01:31:42.000 Get up here! 0.97

01:31:42.000 And I'm like, what? 0.97

01:31:43.000 We run up to the thing.

01:31:45.000 The two girls, they were all standing on the ledge of the roof, looking out at the whole city.

01:31:50.000 The junkyard tire shop below The guys working at the tire shop look up and see two white girls and they could see their face. 0.97

01:31:59.000 They start jerking off. 1.00

01:32:00.000 They pull their dicks out and start jerking off. 1.00

01:32:03.000 What are they saying? 1.00

01:32:05.000 Like in a trance. 0.90

01:32:07.000 And you're like, whoa, crazy, crazy.

01:32:09.000 It's like... 1.00

01:32:10.000 Think about how much pussy you already saw today, without even trying. 1.00

01:32:14.000 Turning on the TV, a Victoria's Secret ad, a billboard. 1.00

01:32:18.000 You see flesh. 1.00

01:32:19.000 You go to the supermarket, you go to fucking Whole Foods, where the bitches are like wearing short shorts and... 1.00

01:32:25.000 Sex is everywhere. 1.00

01:32:27.000 Think about being a horny, horny Arab kid, and then you see a fucking chick, just her face. 1.00

01:32:33.000 They couldn't control themselves. 1.00

01:32:34.000 And then they saw us and then they stopped.

01:32:36.000 But it was like they went into a trance, like...

01:32:38.000 That's amazing.

01:32:39.000 It was amazing. 0.99

01:32:40.000 I was like, I never got so much joy watching another guy jerk off. 0.98

01:32:43.000 Those weird levels of like intense religious control. 0.99

01:32:46.000 It all goes back to sex. 1.00

01:32:47.000 It all goes back to fucking. 0.99

01:32:49.000 Well, whether it does or it doesn't, it's all about control, but when you see that control implemented on people, there's always a rebound from it. 0.99

01:32:58.000 There's some crazy reaction to it, some fanatical, explosive reaction to it.

01:33:04.000 Yeah, we have a very real, natural, built-in response to someone trying to control us.

01:33:10.000 Right. 0.98

01:33:10.000 And we either go with it full-heartedly and make it like it's our idea, or we rebel against it and we hate it and we go the exact opposite direction, like Catholic schoolgirls who become sluts. 0.98

01:33:23.000 Right. 1.00

01:33:23.000 Nothing wrong with being a slut. 1.00

01:33:24.000 Slut's a bad word. 1.00

01:33:25.000 No slut shaming on the Joe Rogan experience. 1.00

01:33:28.000 I don't believe in sluts. 1.00

01:33:29.000 I think there's people that do whatever the fuck they want to do. 0.99

01:33:31.000 I'm just saying, I agree with you. 0.99

01:33:33.000 This society is...

01:33:34.000 Whatever.

01:33:35.000 Every society has its problems.

01:33:36.000 For me personally, I think if I were to ever get married... 0.99

01:33:39.000 I don't want to get into some sick swinger shit or whatever, but I think I need to be with... 1.00

01:33:45.000 Some European or... 0.99

01:33:46.000 Just hold out until they have robots.

01:33:48.000 Hold out until you can be monogamous.

01:33:50.000 The robots? 1.00

01:33:51.000 What's that shit you just showed me? 1.00

01:33:52.000 The Silius Rift shit? 1.00

01:33:54.000 Oculus Rift. 1.00

01:33:56.000 Don't buy that.

01:33:57.000 Don't buy that.

01:33:57.000 I'm not going to until...

01:33:58.000 It's going to ruin your life. 1.00

01:33:59.000 Until I know that I have to go to the mountains and fucking put up a high fence to keep the fucking crazy people out. 1.00

01:34:03.000 I have some of those robots, like the shittier ones, and they're in my... 1.00

01:34:07.000 In my closet, I buy...

01:34:09.000 Every time someone's like, this is the next best thing, I buy it with that thought.

01:34:12.000 When I go to the mountains and everyone's dead, at least they'll have this.

01:34:16.000 But I don't open the plastic because I know it'll ruin my life.

01:34:19.000 That's too freaky right now. 1.00

01:34:21.000 When you're dealing with things like rubber vaginas or fake boxes that you stick your dick into and they gyrate, you know it's fake. 1.00

01:34:28.000 Even though it's enjoyable, it's a pleasurable sexual experience, it's removed from the sexual experience of having sex with a real woman. 0.99

01:34:36.000 That's not going to be the case 50 years from now. 0.95

01:34:39.000 50 years from now, they're going to have robotics down to the point where they can have a real, bona fide, artificial woman who's warm and feels fucking amazing and is the hottest chick you've ever seen on the planet Earth. 1.00

01:34:51.000 And you can have 10 of them in a warehouse charging by solar.

01:34:55.000 But that will help overpopulation.

01:34:57.000 Don't you think?

01:34:58.000 Well, it'll help a lot of things.

01:34:59.000 But overpopulation is most certainly a bad thing.

01:35:03.000 But one of the worst parts about it is that there's a depletion of resources and this sort of diminishing of the value of a human being when there's too many people.

01:35:12.000 I think about L.A. and I think about a lot of places and it's one of the worries that I have about China is the volume.

01:35:21.000 And I think...

01:35:22.000 My personal experience is I've lived in small towns and I've lived in really big places.

01:35:28.000 I've seen there's a different way that human beings treat each other when they don't see each other as often, there's less of them, they have more camaraderie.

01:35:35.000 There's a number that becomes unmanageable.

01:35:37.000 I don't know what that number is.

01:35:38.000 I think we've passed it.

01:35:39.000 In Los Angeles, we certainly are past it.

01:35:42.000 But I think that's... 1.00

01:35:43.000 Hurry up, doctors, with that rubber fake robot pussy. 1.00

01:35:45.000 Make that shit quick. 1.00

01:35:46.000 I don't think it's doctors. 1.00

01:35:47.000 Or scientists or whatever.

01:35:48.000 Yeah, scientists and inventors and modelers and people who are making artificial skin.

01:35:52.000 But in the same way, you know, people, like adults, get weird when they find out how obsessed kids are with video games.

01:35:58.000 They're like, we had Pac-Man.

01:36:00.000 I'm like, okay, look.

01:36:02.000 What's Grand Theft Auto on right now?

01:36:04.000 Five?

01:36:04.000 Yeah.

01:36:05.000 Like, when it was on two or three...

01:36:07.000 You're like, wow, because you're like a guy running through a city and it feels like virtual reality.

01:36:12.000 But, like you said, the guy still looks a little pixelated and the facial features, you know, they do like the stubble, but it looks still like a computer. 0.97

01:36:23.000 I don't know what this says about me, but when I would kill hookers in Grand Theft Auto, the bodies don't disappear as long as you keep shooting them. 1.00

01:36:30.000 So I would just stand over the hookers and keep shooting their vaginas. 1.00

01:36:35.000 You shouldn't admit to that. 1.00

01:36:37.000 Well, my little nephew walked in, because there was a time when I got out of prison and I didn't have a place to live, so I stayed with my cousin.

01:36:46.000 I would play like Mickey Mouse and the little kid video games.

01:36:49.000 And then when they went to sleep, I'd play Grand Theft Auto.

01:36:51.000 And he snuck in my room one day.

01:36:52.000 And you know when someone's in the room?

01:36:55.000 You know someone's in the room, but you didn't hear them?

01:36:57.000 So I stopped for a second.

01:36:58.000 I turned around.

01:36:59.000 I'm like, what are you doing?

01:36:59.000 He's like, what are you doing, Uncle Dave?

01:37:02.000 And I was like, come in, be quiet, don't tell your mom.

01:37:05.000 How old is this kid?

01:37:06.000 He's like six years old.

01:37:07.000 He's ready.

01:37:08.000 He was ready.

01:37:09.000 He was ready to see Hooker. 0.94

01:37:10.000 But they're like, wait till next one and the next one.

01:37:14.000 I'm like, video games?

01:37:16.000 In the next ten years, you'll be you.

01:37:18.000 It'll look exactly like you.

01:37:20.000 There'll be no glitches where it looks like a computer. 0.97

01:37:23.000 And so if you're in the game raping, killing, pillaging... 1.00

01:37:27.000 That's going to fuck with your head even more. 0.99

01:37:29.000 When I played Grand Theft 2nd, 3rd one, after a day of just killing non-stop, I'd walk outside and just feel weird. 0.99

01:37:37.000 But at least I knew it was still a video game.

01:37:40.000 Brian, there were some images that somebody posted in the Duncan Trussell thread on the Rogan board about another new technology that was akin to the NVIDIA technology that looks absolutely insane.

01:37:53.000 I believe it's from Activision.

01:37:55.000 See if you can find that, if you can pull those images up.

01:37:57.000 Because what they're doing...

01:37:58.000 The virtual is going to be really intense. 1.00

01:38:00.000 I can't wait for that robot pussy. 1.00

01:38:02.000 Yeah, the robot, the physical... 1.00

01:38:03.000 Red ribbon robot pussy. 1.00

01:38:04.000 The physical carbon-based, artificially created robot... 1.00

01:38:10.000 Like, what's her face?

01:38:12.000 What was that girl's name in Blade Runner?

01:38:14.000 Oh, Daryl Hannah?

01:38:15.000 Yes.

01:38:16.000 Look at that.

01:38:17.000 That looks crazy.

01:38:18.000 That's incredible.

01:38:20.000 Dude, I met Daryl Hannah in 1994 at Cantor's Deli in LA. And she was so incredibly normal.

01:38:30.000 Like, just a normal chick, hanging out with her friends.

01:38:33.000 Her friends were totally normal.

01:38:35.000 And it was, for me, it was a very educational experience.

01:38:39.000 Because I never thought that some woman, who's, first of all, an attractive woman, second of all, a super famous... 0.99

01:38:46.000 Splash?

01:38:46.000 Yeah.

01:38:47.000 Super famous actor, right?

01:38:49.000 And she could be with a couple of her friends.

01:38:51.000 I think it was two guys and another girl.

01:38:53.000 And I could be with a couple of our friends.

01:38:55.000 And they were sitting next to us and invited us to talk to them.

01:38:58.000 Just engaged us.

01:39:00.000 They were doing some game where you name the state and what's the capital or what's the state motto.

01:39:06.000 That's what it was, what's the state motto.

01:39:07.000 And they were engaging us.

01:39:09.000 Come on, help out. 0.99

01:39:10.000 They were friendly, super friendly.

01:39:12.000 Like any normal person who you could sit next to if you were in a booth by...

01:39:17.000 Yeah, that was cool.

01:39:18.000 It was really cool. 1.00

01:39:19.000 It was really cool because it was like, oh, these movie star people, they're just fucking people, man. 1.00

01:39:25.000 They're just fucking people that someone turns a camera on to. 1.00

01:39:29.000 But, like, that's not going to happen when we all fuck robots. 1.00

01:39:32.000 There's no... 0.99

01:39:33.000 And the robots are going to know all the answers anyways.

01:39:36.000 Her character in Blade Runner... 0.99

01:39:38.000 They're going to be like...

01:39:38.000 Sacramento.

01:39:39.000 Her character in Blade Runner was fucking badass, dude. 1.00

01:39:43.000 She was the number one robot for that crazy little dude. 0.99

01:39:45.000 I love that movie.

01:39:46.000 Oh, that movie was good. 0.85

01:39:47.000 That movie was so fucking amazing. 0.93

01:39:49.000 And that movie was badass because of that Sean Young check... 0.96

01:39:52.000 She was hot, too. 0.97

01:39:53.000 Goddamn she was hot, dude. 1.00

01:39:55.000 Not just hot, but like hypnotic. 0.97

01:39:57.000 There was like something about her.

01:39:58.000 Yeah, she had that look with her hair and everything. 1.00

01:40:01.000 Her eyes, man.

01:40:02.000 There was like a perceived innocence or something like that to her as this robot character that was just brilliant, man. 1.00

01:40:09.000 Damn, my memory's going to shit. 0.99

01:40:10.000 Dude, Blade Runner's all-time great movie. 0.99

01:40:13.000 When I was younger, I got a weird job with Sean Young, and I can't remember it now.

01:40:17.000 You got a job with her?

01:40:18.000 Like some weird movie...

01:40:20.000 I can't remember.

01:40:21.000 And you know what happened to her, man?

01:40:22.000 She kind of went off the rails.

01:40:23.000 Yeah, what happened to her?

01:40:24.000 She went off the rails.

01:40:25.000 It was too much pressure.

01:40:26.000 I think being a famous movie star has got to be so... 0.84

01:40:30.000 Being a famous guy like you or a famous artist, you're famous kind of for being crazy. 0.80

01:40:34.000 You can...

01:40:35.000 And you know, the amount of like mainstream TMZ type pressure you get is very non-existent or minimal at best.

01:40:41.000 You just enjoy it.

01:40:42.000 You enjoy it.

01:40:43.000 You just like... 1.00

01:40:44.000 But that Tom Cruise shit? 1.00

01:40:45.000 Right. 1.00

01:40:46.000 Like where she was at?

01:40:47.000 Right, right, right.

01:40:47.000 She was at that...

01:40:48.000 Sean Young was in like all the...

01:40:49.000 That's her name, right?

01:40:50.000 Sean Young?

01:40:50.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:40:51.000 She was in like that movie with Kevin Costner.

01:40:54.000 Right.

01:40:54.000 What was that movie?

01:40:56.000 She's in a gang of fucking movies, man. 1.00

01:40:58.000 She was a big time movie star. 1.00

01:40:59.000 And there's more pressure for women because it's like you have a window to just do all this shit. 1.00

01:41:04.000 You have a window to do all this shit in and there's a freak out of being this one person that all these people are focusing on that is so completely unnatural. 0.99

01:41:12.000 You're supercharging your system. 0.99

01:41:15.000 It's like putting a blower on a Mustang and revving the engine much higher than it's supposed to go. 1.00

01:41:19.000 I stay the fuck away from actresses, bro. 1.00

01:41:23.000 That's horrible. 0.99

01:41:24.000 I would never generalize like that because I've met a lot of really cool actresses that I love being friends with. 1.00

01:41:29.000 But as far as dating them...

01:41:30.000 Friends, yeah.

01:41:31.000 Friends is fine.

01:41:32.000 I don't want to date anybody who's anything like me.

01:41:35.000 I don't want to date anybody who's even remotely as crazy as I am.

01:41:37.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

01:41:38.000 So when I date a chick that she's like, you've got to quit the podcast, I'm like, that's sort of, like, fuck you, bitch, but then also, like, that's sort of a good instinct. 1.00

01:41:46.000 But, you know, there's people that it works out, like Tom Segura and his wife, Christina Pazitsky. 1.00

01:41:51.000 Do you know Tom Segura?

01:41:52.000 Hilarious stand-up comedian. 0.99

01:41:54.000 And his wife is fucking brilliant. 0.99

01:41:56.000 Like, a really funny comic. 0.99

01:41:57.000 And they're married, and they're happy, and it works.

01:42:00.000 I've got to finish telling you about the Mexican comedian, because you just brought up.

01:42:02.000 Oh, I guess.

01:42:03.000 Okay.

01:42:06.000 I love what you're drawing right now, by the way.

01:42:08.000 My best drawing...

01:42:10.000 So I told you I'm the greatest comedian ever in Mexico.

01:42:13.000 That's not possible. 0.99

01:42:14.000 I'll tell you, and you fucking tell me. 0.99

01:42:16.000 Okay. 1.00

01:42:17.000 So, I'm fucking my Mexican girlfriend, and it's not like she's joking with me. 0.99

01:42:23.000 She's almost nervous to tell me this. 0.99

01:42:25.000 It's like... 0.98

01:42:26.000 We're fucking, and she's drunk, and she's like, I have a little piece. 0.97

01:42:30.000 Like, she was super nervous. 0.98

01:42:31.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:42:32.000 Nervous tone.

01:42:33.000 That was never resolved.

01:42:33.000 Yeah, so I'm going to resolve it right now.

01:42:35.000 Or, okay.

01:42:37.000 It was never resolved.

01:42:38.000 You're correct.

01:42:39.000 It was never resolved.

01:42:40.000 And I'm analyzing this.

01:42:42.000 I'm like, was she joking?

01:42:43.000 No, because she was super nervous to even tell me. 1.00

01:42:46.000 We fuck, and I'm like, ha ha ha. 0.99

01:42:48.000 Is that for... 1.00

01:42:51.000 Is that for real?

01:42:53.000 She falls asleep.

01:42:54.000 I fall asleep.

01:42:55.000 She's out.

01:42:56.000 She's drunk. 1.00

01:42:57.000 We fuck. 1.00

01:42:57.000 She's out. 1.00

01:42:58.000 And I'm like this.

01:42:59.000 Am I gay? 1.00

01:43:00.000 Did I just fuck a hermaphrodite? 1.00

01:43:03.000 I don't sleep at all. 1.00

01:43:04.000 The next morning, she has to get up early to go to work.

01:43:06.000 I go, hey, remember that thing you said last night?

01:43:09.000 She's like, what?

01:43:10.000 She's like, you know, you said something last night.

01:43:12.000 And she's like, I got to go.

01:43:13.000 She runs out.

01:43:14.000 And I'm like, whoa, no closure, no whatever. 1.00

01:43:18.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:43:18.000 And I had three or four days left in Mexico, you know? 0.99

01:43:22.000 And I was like, I need to find out if I'm gay now.

01:43:27.000 This should be on Vice. 0.98

01:43:29.000 Why is this not...

01:43:30.000 Why haven't you, like, written this for Vice?

01:43:32.000 Because I'm telling you right now, you know?

01:43:33.000 So she... 0.98

01:43:34.000 So then, uh... 0.98

01:43:36.000 Every day, so we fucked like every night until I left and every night she always says, turn the lights off. 0.95

01:43:43.000 Never leaves the lights on. 0.91

01:43:44.000 Always leaves the socks on.

01:43:46.000 Does she have dude feet? 1.00

01:43:48.000 No, no, no.

01:43:49.000 And won't let me finger her because of the paint. 0.96

01:43:53.000 Well, I got the paint on my hands.

01:43:54.000 Oh, paint.

01:43:55.000 So I'm scrubbing and I go, look, they're clean tonight. 1.00

01:43:57.000 She's like, no, no, no, don't finger, just fuck me. 1.00

01:43:58.000 And I'm like, is it a thing that comes out like this? 1.00

01:44:02.000 Like alien?

01:44:04.000 There's so many questions.

01:44:05.000 I go, I go, hey, that thing, the extra piece, was that a joke?

01:44:09.000 She's like, and her face turns red.

01:44:12.000 Like, don't bring it up. 1.00

01:44:13.000 And I'm like, I'm with a fucking hermaphrodite. 1.00

01:44:17.000 Wow, this is crazy. 1.00

01:44:19.000 And you didn't go down on her, right?

01:44:20.000 You didn't ever go?

01:44:21.000 No, I went down.

01:44:22.000 Dude, I went searching, bro.

01:44:23.000 I wanted answers.

01:44:24.000 You know, I try to go deep.

01:44:25.000 I try to get the answers. 1.00

01:44:27.000 Damn, son. 0.99

01:44:28.000 Never got the answer. 1.00

01:44:30.000 Okay.

01:44:30.000 No closure.

01:44:31.000 Look, dude, you got to do what you got to do.

01:44:33.000 In certain situations, you just got to back out and count your losses.

01:44:36.000 This is two months ago.

01:44:38.000 But you really liked her.

01:44:39.000 I really like her.

01:44:40.000 Still talk to her.

01:44:41.000 Can't stop thinking about her.

01:44:42.000 So she just doesn't want to talk about that.

01:44:43.000 And I accept it now.

01:44:45.000 I love it now.

01:44:45.000 I love that she's a guy.

01:44:48.000 But it doesn't sound like she is a guy.

01:44:50.000 She's a hermaphrodite. 1.00

01:44:51.000 Did her pussy taste like pussy? 1.00

01:44:53.000 It's delicious. 1.00

01:44:54.000 Well, what does it feel like?

01:44:56.000 It feels different?

01:44:56.000 Like guacamole.

01:44:58.000 No, when you're actually having sex.

01:44:59.000 No, it feels...

01:45:00.000 When you make it love.

01:45:01.000 It felt great. 1.00

01:45:02.000 You know, she has a wonderful vagina. 1.00

01:45:05.000 She's a great girl. 1.00

01:45:06.000 Okay.

01:45:07.000 Didn't you say something like on your podcast that she's disconnected with sex, though?

01:45:12.000 She was a weird chick, you know?

01:45:15.000 Okay, but what are you saying, though?

01:45:17.000 This is what I'm saying.

01:45:18.000 So this is two months ago.

01:45:19.000 No closure.

01:45:20.000 And in the two months, I've accepted that she's a guy.

01:45:23.000 Or has male parts.

01:45:24.000 No problem.

01:45:26.000 Wowza.

01:45:27.000 And she avoids the thing.

01:45:30.000 And she texts me last night.

01:45:33.000 She goes, hey, you know that little piece I told you about?

01:45:36.000 And I go, yes, yes!

01:45:37.000 Finally closure.

01:45:38.000 She goes, I was joking.

01:45:41.000 I go, this is why she's the best comedian. 1.00

01:45:44.000 To fucking drop a line like that on a dude and tell the punchline two months later while he's racking his brain. 1.00

01:45:51.000 I was like, you're a fucking genius comedian. 1.00

01:45:54.000 That is amazing. 1.00

01:45:55.000 You tell a joke that has a fucking punchline two months later. 1.00

01:45:58.000 Oh my God. 1.00

01:45:59.000 That is one possibility.

01:46:02.000 Another possibility is she decided to tell you that it was a joke because you were pressing the issue and you wanted to talk about it a lot and that was the best way for her.

01:46:11.000 You understand that though.

01:46:12.000 It very well could have been a hermaphrodite.

01:46:14.000 Not that there's anything wrong with a hermaphrodite but it's not like you did some sort of a chromosomal test.

01:46:19.000 She told you something and you declared her the greatest comedian ever.

01:46:23.000 Or maybe it was a hemorrhoid.

01:46:24.000 It could have been a hemorrhoid.

01:46:26.000 Did they get them up there?

01:46:27.000 Listen.

01:46:27.000 You can get a cyst.

01:46:28.000 Listen, guys.

01:46:29.000 Those ones that pop out. 1.00

01:46:30.000 When her little dick went into my dick hole, it was the most amazing feeling I ever felt in my life. 1.00

01:46:36.000 We just hit a low point. 1.00

01:46:39.000 She easily could be a hermaphrodite. 0.85

01:46:41.000 I just didn't want to talk about it.

01:46:42.000 Yeah, I... That's a good way to say, I was just joking.

01:46:45.000 How do you deal with people, this is a good question for you, that say they don't listen to you, but they do?

01:46:51.000 See, they don't listen to you?

01:46:51.000 Yeah, they go, I don't listen to your podcast.

01:46:53.000 That's okay.

01:46:53.000 But they know, but they do, and they, like...

01:46:56.000 I don't care.

01:46:57.000 You know?

01:46:58.000 No, if you want to listen, listen.

01:46:59.000 If you don't want to listen, don't listen.

01:47:00.000 Because I'm thinking...

01:47:01.000 If you want to tell me you don't listen, you're either doing it one...

01:47:04.000 You're either trying to inform me, like, I don't know what you do, like, just being normal, or you're being dismissive.

01:47:10.000 You know, it's possible that you could say it, like, in a way that, like, David Cho, I don't listen to your podcast.

01:47:14.000 Right, right.

01:47:14.000 Okay?

01:47:15.000 You know, where you're like, whoa. 1.00

01:47:16.000 Like, I wouldn't waste my time listening to you fucking talk. 0.99

01:47:18.000 No, but here's the thing. 0.99

01:47:19.000 I talked about this on my show, and I'm thinking, did she hear it?

01:47:22.000 And so that's why she called me?

01:47:23.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:47:24.000 But she doesn't, like, follow me on Twitter or Facebook or any of this shit, and she really, you know... 0.54

01:47:31.000 Well, it sounds like it was a very strange thing for you and almost indicative of, like, life itself. 0.84

01:47:36.000 Whether it was...

01:47:37.000 Life itself is never perfect.

01:47:38.000 Whether it was a joke or not, whether she really forgot to tell me the punchline or, like, whatever the case, I accepted it.

01:47:46.000 Well, accepting it, there's definitely nothing wrong with that, but that's not the funniest comedian on the Facebook page.

01:47:51.000 Come on, Joe. 0.99

01:47:52.000 It's pretty fucked up, though. 1.00

01:47:53.000 You're having sex... 1.00

01:47:54.000 What if... 0.99

01:47:55.000 It's most likely an excuse.

01:47:57.000 But it's not most likely a joke.

01:47:59.000 What if your wife, just out of tonight, just all... 1.00

01:48:03.000 Fucking totally serious that I used to be a guy. 0.97

01:48:05.000 And you're like, what are you talking about? 0.95

01:48:07.000 And then she didn't tell you the truth a month later.

01:48:09.000 That's pretty funny.

01:48:10.000 Well, I guess it could be funny.

01:48:15.000 You know, if you were the right guy and she was the right girl and she said it the right way, I guess it could be funny.

01:48:19.000 Started crying and go, I never, ever told anybody. 0.97

01:48:22.000 David Cho, goddammit. 0.94

01:48:23.000 It also could be that she's lying to you because she doesn't like to talk about it and she really is something like a hermaphrodite. 0.95

01:48:28.000 It's possible too, dude.

01:48:30.000 I mean, unless you're going to go in...

01:48:31.000 Minovia, if you're listening out there, baby...

01:48:33.000 Don't say her name! 0.97

01:48:34.000 No, I just said sweetheart in Spanish.

01:48:36.000 Oh, there you go.

01:48:37.000 Beautiful.

01:48:37.000 Minovia, if you're listening, I hope you're not lying.

01:48:41.000 Listen, it doesn't matter, man.

01:48:42.000 I hope it wasn't a joke.

01:48:43.000 Listen, you're not looking to have a family, are you?

01:48:45.000 I can't wait to...

01:48:46.000 Are you looking to have a family right now?

01:48:47.000 I'm starting to think about having kids without the wife part. 0.94

01:48:52.000 Like adopting or freezing my sperm and doing the whole surrogates or whatever. 0.57

01:48:57.000 I don't know.

01:48:58.000 Just freeze the baby. 0.94

01:48:59.000 I think I'm starting to think about having a family, but, you know... 0.67

01:49:04.000 Like I said, gay or not gay, I hang out with a lot of dudes. 1.00

01:49:08.000 And so, like Critter, who I hang out with all the time, is like, fuck. 1.00

01:49:11.000 You get a girlfriend, I'm going to have to have a girlfriend. 0.99

01:49:13.000 And it's like...

01:49:14.000 What?

01:49:15.000 Because then... 0.99

01:49:15.000 What kind of fucking logic is that? 0.99

01:49:18.000 Because we hang out all the time. 0.99

01:49:19.000 So I said, why don't we just share?

01:49:20.000 You could get Monday, Wednesday, I'll get Tuesday, Thursday.

01:49:22.000 Oh, you're such a slapper of seconds, dude.

01:49:24.000 No.

01:49:24.000 You automatically offered up the first three days.

01:49:26.000 I'm like, you could get the P-hole, I'll take the B-hole. 0.96

01:49:30.000 And, uh...

01:49:32.000 Come on, Joe.

01:49:33.000 There's so many women right now that are so angry. 1.00

01:49:36.000 This podcast is bullshit. 1.00

01:49:38.000 I don't think I would have a problem, by the way, if the girl had a pussy boner. 1.00

01:49:41.000 I don't think if she acted like a girl, she was beautiful. 1.00

01:49:45.000 You're such a pussy, Brian. 1.00

01:49:46.000 You couldn't even get hard for the grandma. 1.00

01:49:48.000 Come on. 1.00

01:49:49.000 I'm not a pussy, though. 1.00

01:49:50.000 She went to the bathroom and cleaned up for you. 1.00

01:49:53.000 Well, listen, man.

01:49:54.000 The bottom line is you were enjoying the experience until your perception of who she was in the whole male-female paradigm shifted.

01:50:02.000 She became this oddity to you, like a damaged goods.

01:50:07.000 Right?

01:50:08.000 Was that it?

01:50:09.000 Well, this is the thing.

01:50:11.000 I need a second.

01:50:14.000 I didn't like avocados growing up.

01:50:16.000 Me neither.

01:50:16.000 I love them now.

01:50:17.000 Me too.

01:50:17.000 It took me a second.

01:50:19.000 My mom's like, eat this.

01:50:20.000 I go, oh, it's green.

01:50:21.000 It probably tastes like a watermelon. 1.00

01:50:23.000 It tastes like shit. 1.00

01:50:24.000 I love guacamole now. 1.00

01:50:26.000 I had uni, sea urchin, for the first time.

01:50:28.000 I was like, this is disgusting.

01:50:29.000 It's my favorite food now.

01:50:31.000 It took me a second.

01:50:32.000 I get to China.

01:50:34.000 The girls have thin mustaches. 1.00

01:50:35.000 I go, what the fuck is that? 1.00

01:50:37.000 Because they don't care about waxing and bleaching. 0.99

01:50:39.000 I go, that's gross because it's not normal to me.

01:50:43.000 I'm in China for three months, sort of into it.

01:50:46.000 Like it now. 1.00

01:50:47.000 I'm starting to have sex with Arab women. 1.00

01:50:49.000 They have hairy asses. 1.00

01:50:51.000 Grossed out. 1.00

01:50:53.000 Wanna puke. 0.97

01:50:54.000 Sort of into it now.

01:50:55.000 Just give me a second.

01:50:57.000 Give me a second. 1.00

01:50:58.000 You got a little dick inside your pussy? 1.00

01:51:01.000 Gross. 1.00

01:51:02.000 Give me one month to adjust? 0.96

01:51:04.000 I'm from America.

01:51:05.000 I was born in Los Angeles.

01:51:07.000 I live in Western society. 0.99

01:51:09.000 I'm not used to dicks. 1.00

01:51:10.000 I'm not used to hairy asses. 1.00

01:51:11.000 I'm not used to mustaches. 0.98

01:51:13.000 But just, I'm open-minded? 1.00

01:51:15.000 Give me a second to just open wider and accept your mustache, your hairy ass, your dick in your pussy. 1.00

01:51:22.000 Just give me a second. 1.00

01:51:23.000 I'll eat the avocado.

01:51:25.000 I'll eat the sea urchin.

01:51:29.000 You know? 1.00

01:51:30.000 You weren't like, avocado tastes like shit. 0.99

01:51:33.000 I'm never going to eat it again. 1.00

01:51:34.000 It grew on you.

01:51:35.000 It took a second.

01:51:36.000 I hated it.

01:51:37.000 I spit it out.

01:51:38.000 Well, I just realized it was just a texture issue.

01:51:41.000 The actual taste of it was fairly bland.

01:51:43.000 In fact, it has a lot of health benefits.

01:51:45.000 But you're a kid and you want candy.

01:51:46.000 You want watermelon.

01:51:48.000 You want fruit that tastes good.

01:51:50.000 Well, the problem is you find out about candy.

01:51:52.000 That's the real problem.

01:51:53.000 You find out something that gives you this drug rush.

01:51:55.000 Right.

01:51:55.000 I mean, kids that get high on sugar, like have you ever seen kids eat cake?

01:51:59.000 They turn into fucking demons. 1.00

01:52:01.000 They go running around, I mean, they're on crank. 1.00

01:52:03.000 That guy out there eats more candy than anybody.

01:52:05.000 He's not a kid, but he is sort of.

01:52:08.000 Yeah.

01:52:08.000 But you know what I'm saying?

01:52:09.000 It's clearly a drug.

01:52:11.000 So of course they don't want to eat guacamole.

01:52:13.000 Guacamole doesn't give them that drug.

01:52:15.000 They want that drug that comes from those... 0.65

01:52:16.000 I have a sophisticated palate. 1.00

01:52:17.000 You know those fucking things that they do? 1.00

01:52:19.000 Those powders? 1.00

01:52:20.000 Those fucking things that kids eat where it's literally a tube of sugar? 1.00

01:52:24.000 Pixie sticks. 1.00

01:52:25.000 Pixie sticks.

01:52:25.000 You crack open the end and you just...

01:52:27.000 The fun dip.

01:52:28.000 It's drugs.

01:52:29.000 Nerds. 0.62

01:52:30.000 Nerds rope. 1.00

01:52:30.000 It's a crazy sugar drug. 1.00

01:52:32.000 I still get fun dipped.

01:52:33.000 It's so bad for you too.

01:52:35.000 They say that sugar is just...

01:52:36.000 It's okay.

01:52:36.000 For kids.

01:52:37.000 Almost toxic.

01:52:38.000 Sugar is just almost toxic for you.

01:52:42.000 I know, but like I'm saying, all these things...

01:52:47.000 What are you doing? 0.99

01:52:50.000 Have you ever been with a chick, like a Middle Eastern girl with a hairy butt? 1.00

01:52:53.000 Yes. 0.99

01:52:54.000 And what did you do? 0.79

01:52:55.000 Well, it was back in the 80s when people had hairy butts. 0.92

01:52:58.000 It was a normal thing.

01:53:00.000 What's worse is when they have catfish whiskers, and in certain lights you can see it, and you're like, ugh. 0.93

01:53:05.000 It's like, but see, what we're doing now is that episode of Seinfeld when he finds the one thing wrong, like the chick has the big hands or whatever, and it's like, you know, I had sex with this girl. 0.92

01:53:15.000 I go to the bathroom. 1.00

01:53:16.000 We had sex in the dark, and I turn the lights on to take a piss, and I look at the bed, and she has a hairy ass. 1.00

01:53:22.000 I'm like, I'm going to puke in the toilet while I'm pissing right now. 1.00

01:53:25.000 And I go, just slow down.

01:53:28.000 Just...

01:53:30.000 Except that it's someone from another culture.

01:53:34.000 I sleep with a lot of women where I'm their first Asian, and they do the, oh, you have no hair on your body. 1.00

01:53:40.000 I go, yeah, I'm Asian.

01:53:42.000 We're not hairy people.

01:53:44.000 It's like being with a girl. 0.66

01:53:45.000 I'm like, cool.

01:53:46.000 Whoa.

01:53:47.000 How rude.

01:53:49.000 How rude. 0.95

01:53:50.000 It's interesting how porn has completely triumphed in the area of pubic dressing. 0.79

01:53:56.000 But it's back. 0.73

01:53:57.000 It's coming back hard.

01:53:57.000 It is a little bit, but it's just contrarianism.

01:54:00.000 For the most part, people prefer a groomed area.

01:54:04.000 It's because HD, you know?

01:54:06.000 Maybe.

01:54:07.000 It was before that.

01:54:09.000 There was some trimming done before that.

01:54:10.000 They want to hire the bumps? 0.95

01:54:11.000 Well, it was because pornography became really prevalent.

01:54:14.000 That's what it is. 0.98

01:54:15.000 Pornography became really prevalent and then along the way people started looking at the aesthetic of male balls covered in hair that creeps all the way up to your asshole and girls with giant crazy bushes that go to the inside of their thighs and they just decided to make alterations on porn and then people, 0.99

01:54:32.000 whether they admit it or not, are massively affected by pornography. 0.99

01:54:35.000 Oh, of course.

01:54:36.000 And then the shift happened where, I mean, there's a good percentage of the population of this country at least that trims their hair basically based on the aesthetic that porn established.

01:54:46.000 Definitely.

01:54:47.000 Definitely.

01:54:47.000 Right?

01:54:47.000 Yeah.

01:54:48.000 It's weird.

01:54:49.000 No.

01:54:49.000 Because it's an untalked about thing.

01:54:51.000 It's an undiscussed thing.

01:54:52.000 It's a denied thing.

01:54:54.000 It's like it's a darkness that we just like...

01:54:56.000 Meanwhile, they're getting billions of hits every day. 1.00

01:54:58.000 You trim your shit or you just let it grow up? 1.00

01:55:00.000 Oh, I trim my shit. 1.00

01:55:01.000 Well, I have to trim it too because it also gets caught in the hair and my balls gets caught in my cup. 1.00

01:55:06.000 Like, and if you're doing jujitsu... 1.00

01:55:08.000 You know your shit's getting long when your bald hair gets stuck in your asshole hair. 1.00

01:55:12.000 Oh, that's never happened. 1.00

01:55:13.000 So it makes like a dreadlock?

01:55:15.000 A taint dreadlock?

01:55:17.000 Yeah, that's not good.

01:55:18.000 You need better hygiene than that.

01:55:19.000 You need better standards.

01:55:20.000 You need to not let it get to that point.

01:55:22.000 Well, Joe, because I've been naked around lots of different men in different countries because of prison or whatever, it's like, yes, when I was homeless here in America and I was showering at 24-Hour Fitness, then I'm like... 0.99

01:55:36.000 In a giant shower with a bunch of men and like, yeah, for the most part, you look down for a second and you're like, well, people shave their shit. 0.99

01:55:43.000 It's like, okay, cool. 0.99

01:55:45.000 Then I'm in prison in Japan and I, you know, it's a bath culture. 1.00

01:55:48.000 It's not a shower culture. 0.95

01:55:49.000 And I look down and I'm like...

01:55:52.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

01:55:53.000 These guys don't shave their shit at all. 1.00

01:55:55.000 Well, first of all, porn in Japan is pixelated, so you never really see anything anyways. 1.00

01:55:59.000 What is it? 0.98

01:56:00.000 Do they pixelate genitalia or pubes? 0.86

01:56:02.000 The whole area.

01:56:03.000 Just insertion. 0.99

01:56:04.000 But they don't shave their shit down there, so their pubes are the same pubes that grew from when they were a kid, so they have beards. 1.00

01:56:11.000 Their pubes are longer than their dicks. 1.00

01:56:13.000 My goodness. 0.99

01:56:13.000 So I get out of the bathtub. 0.99

01:56:15.000 I keep my shit tight. 1.00

01:56:17.000 And I get out with my dick and balls hanging out. 1.00

01:56:20.000 And then these guys come out. 1.00

01:56:21.000 And you just see a black beard with a red dot with the tip of their dick. 1.00

01:56:25.000 And you're like, oh, it looks like a cute homeless guy. 1.00

01:56:29.000 But yeah, those things are all informed by pornography. 1.00

01:56:32.000 In Japan, they don't watch American pornography, so of course they don't shave their shit. 1.00

01:56:37.000 That's fascinating. 1.00

01:56:38.000 But Bush is coming back.

01:56:39.000 Well, it's fascinating, though, that it sort of gets a stab.

01:56:41.000 I would imagine that Bush is coming back.

01:56:43.000 I'm out there.

01:56:43.000 I'm out on the front line.

01:56:44.000 I'm telling you it's coming back.

01:56:45.000 There's nothing wrong with it.

01:56:46.000 But look, even Bell Bottoms came back.

01:56:48.000 No, but it's back, right?

01:56:50.000 Oh, yeah, definitely.

01:56:51.000 I'd say five years ago, every girl I was with had no hair or a tiny, thin strip of whatever.

01:57:00.000 Now, almost all girls have some kind of... 1.00

01:57:02.000 They probably heard that crabs were going extinct and they got sad.

01:57:05.000 They wanted to save the crab.

01:57:07.000 Grow your bush, save the crab.

01:57:08.000 It's cyclical, you know?

01:57:09.000 Well, how come everybody doesn't want the crabs to live?

01:57:11.000 They want to save, like, wood owls.

01:57:13.000 I love seafood.

01:57:14.000 I love crustacean.

01:57:15.000 No, the ones that grow in your bush.

01:57:16.000 Yeah, I eat those crabs like Daryl Hannah eats the lobster in Splash. 0.87

01:57:22.000 A little tartar sauce, a little cocktail sauce.

01:57:27.000 Mm-mm-mm, going to Red Lobster right after this.

01:57:29.000 What's it like hanging out with DeAntward?

01:57:30.000 Because I know you guys are friends, man, and I love them.

01:57:34.000 They must be very interesting.

01:57:36.000 Do you ever paint with them?

01:57:37.000 Yeah, I've...

01:57:38.000 Okay.

01:57:40.000 First of all, I love those guys.

01:57:42.000 And do you know who DeAntward is? 0.99

01:57:44.000 Oh, fuck yeah, dude. 0.99

01:57:45.000 I love them. 0.99

01:57:45.000 But I don't love one of their new songs. 0.99

01:57:48.000 They got some new songs.

01:57:50.000 You know, they're just going for it, doing everything. 1.00

01:57:52.000 There was that fuck you in the ass song. 1.00

01:57:55.000 Put a dick in your ass song. 1.00

01:57:56.000 I was like, okay, what are you doing, man? 1.00

01:57:58.000 What the hell is this?

01:57:59.000 It's great. 0.99

01:58:00.000 I like some of his really earlier shit, too. 0.93

01:58:02.000 They did some really interesting early stuff.

01:58:04.000 But do you hang out with a lot of artists in general?

01:58:07.000 Comedians.

01:58:09.000 Okay, so comedians are artists.

01:58:11.000 I have a few friends that are artists, artists.

01:58:13.000 Artists, artists, chefs, musicians.

01:58:16.000 Most people that are highly, highly creative are sort of... 1.00

01:58:20.000 Fucking crazy. 1.00

01:58:21.000 They're crazy. 1.00

01:58:21.000 Crazy as fuck. 1.00

01:58:22.000 And then you try to do normal shit with them and then you're like, why are they doing this? 1.00

01:58:27.000 Oh yeah! 1.00

01:58:28.000 Because they're fucking crazy! 1.00

01:58:30.000 Well that's what makes them tick. 1.00

01:58:32.000 Every comedian that I know is out of their fucking mind. 1.00

01:58:34.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:58:35.000 Every single one.

01:58:35.000 And I love Ninja and I love Yolandi.

01:58:37.000 Ninja's one of probably the most creative people.

01:58:41.000 He'll do a song and like he goes and then the part goes like this and he'll sing every part of the song and he goes and then the music video is going to go like this and then he'll act out everyone's part in the music video and what the lighting is going to look like and down to the costumes and there's going to be a lion and this and...

01:58:58.000 Do you ask for this or does this just like happen in the middle of a conversation?

01:59:01.000 He goes, he goes, can I tell you like a quick story?

01:59:04.000 How's it?

01:59:04.000 Do it in his accent.

01:59:06.000 You were about to.

01:59:06.000 You bailed out of it.

01:59:07.000 Can I tell you a quick story about a South Africa?

01:59:11.000 The best is he can do a perfect American accent and not like a gangster.

01:59:15.000 Have you ever heard Jim Jeffries?

01:59:16.000 Hey Dave, how's it going?

01:59:18.000 Jim Jeffries, the Australian comedian, has the most eerie American accent.

01:59:23.000 Really?

01:59:24.000 Like he does an American guy and you're like, yikes. 0.99

01:59:26.000 It's too good.

01:59:27.000 It's like too good.

01:59:29.000 They can do us apparently way easier than we can do them.

01:59:32.000 Because we're speaking normal.

01:59:34.000 I'm not sure if that's the case.

01:59:37.000 G'day, mate.

01:59:37.000 What is normal?

01:59:39.000 Can you decide somewhere along the line that your way of talking is better than mine?

01:59:43.000 Yes.

01:59:44.000 And the way that you do that is the language of English is spoken in Australia, England, America, and people make fun of...

01:59:53.000 They do the crocodile Dundee.

01:59:54.000 Yeah, but England...

01:59:55.000 And then you take someone...

01:59:56.000 You take a Japanese exchange student who doesn't speak English and you go... 0.64

02:00:01.000 Learn English.

02:00:02.000 What are they going to do?

02:00:03.000 They're going to listen to American movies.

02:00:06.000 They can understand Americans.

02:00:08.000 They can't understand British people. 1.00

02:00:10.000 They can't understand Australians. 1.00

02:00:12.000 They're like, I don't...

02:00:13.000 What?

02:00:13.000 We speak normal.

02:00:15.000 Like normal people. 0.99

02:00:16.000 That's ridiculous. 0.94

02:00:18.000 Everybody in England who grows up in England knows how to understand people from England. 0.98

02:00:22.000 Everybody in America...

02:00:23.000 Everyone in England can understand us.

02:00:26.000 We can't understand them.

02:00:29.000 That's interesting.

02:00:30.000 A thick, thick British accent? 1.00

02:00:32.000 Give me a fucking break. 1.00

02:00:33.000 I'm like... 0.99

02:00:34.000 That is interesting.

02:00:35.000 It goes, hey, what did you just say? 1.00

02:00:36.000 He's like, oh, fucking... 0.99

02:00:37.000 But if you were living there, you would understand him pretty clearly. 1.00

02:00:40.000 If you were in his neighborhood.

02:00:43.000 We're speaking proper English, Joe.

02:00:46.000 This is like slang.

02:00:47.000 I'm not like this.

02:00:48.000 I'm not trying really hard.

02:00:50.000 So what we did is basically the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu of English. 0.94

02:00:53.000 We took the original Japanese English and we made it more badass with some extra guard submissions and shit. 0.99

02:00:58.000 How come when they have some British movies, sometimes they gotta put fucking subtitles on that shit? 1.00

02:01:03.000 Because you don't know what the fuck you guys say. 1.00

02:01:04.000 Not me, man. 1.00

02:01:05.000 I get offended.

02:01:06.000 If they have movies like Snatch and they put subtitles, I get offended.

02:01:08.000 I want to be trying to figure it out.

02:01:11.000 But you have to concentrate.

02:01:12.000 Well, I do when I interview fighters.

02:01:13.000 You're like...

02:01:14.000 I've had Paul Kelly, he's a gentleman I've had an interview in the UFC. Michael Bisping, he's a guy from Manchester.

02:01:21.000 These guys have incredible accents.

02:01:23.000 Bisping has gotten much better at speaking in a more clear, he slows it down a little bit.

02:01:30.000 But English people and Irish people, they talk faster. 1.00

02:01:34.000 They have a faster way of combining the words together. 0.99

02:01:37.000 I had a fucking guy come up to me. 0.99

02:01:39.000 I had a conversation with a dude in Belfast, Northern Ireland. 1.00

02:01:42.000 We're getting drunk at a bar.

02:01:43.000 There was a UFC there.

02:01:44.000 And just me and Eddie Bravo went down to this bar and we said, let's just tie one on with these Belfast people.

02:01:50.000 And I think Dave Bishop was probably there too, who's the local comedian that we did a gig with. 0.99

02:01:56.000 This fucking dude was talking to me. 0.99

02:01:58.000 I didn't have a clue as to what he was saying. 1.00

02:02:02.000 We were hammered.

02:02:03.000 And he was telling me how to fight.

02:02:05.000 The basic script was, I'll fight any man.

02:02:10.000 He was just telling me no, letting me know. 0.99

02:02:12.000 He'll fucking fight anybody. 0.99

02:02:14.000 I'll fight any man. 1.00

02:02:17.000 I'll fight any man.

02:02:22.000 I barely could understand him.

02:02:24.000 It was like this crazy game I was playing, like staring into his eyes and struggling to comprehend his world. 0.99

02:02:30.000 And this is like the shit everyone always wonders about, right? 0.98

02:02:32.000 You got the dude that's the Jax from Sons of Anarchy. 0.99

02:02:37.000 You got all these actors that have that accent, right?

02:02:40.000 I'll fight any man.

02:02:41.000 But then they're in movies and TV shows or when they do songs.

02:02:46.000 Accent just magically disappears.

02:02:47.000 And then they're back doing the interview and it comes back.

02:02:50.000 So they could turn it off. 1.00

02:02:52.000 They could turn that shit off. 1.00

02:02:53.000 Not when they're drunk in a bar and not some dude who actually lives in Belfast. 1.00

02:02:57.000 Some local boxer is ready to throw down and fight any man.

02:03:01.000 Would he fight me? 1.00

02:03:02.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

02:03:03.000 They want to fight. 1.00

02:03:04.000 When we were in Belfast, you're driving around and they have these cop cars that have bulletproof windows and these giant metal plates and bombproof shielding all over the car.

02:03:17.000 The cop cars are designed to absorb bombs.

02:03:21.000 Pull up some pictures of them.

02:03:23.000 Belfast, Northern Ireland, cop cars.

02:03:28.000 Bomb protection. 1.00

02:03:29.000 They like to fucking party. 1.00

02:03:30.000 It's a different kind of a world. 1.00

02:03:32.000 I mean, they went through some crazy fucking shit. 1.00

02:03:35.000 They went through a crazy war, like, fairly recently. 1.00

02:03:38.000 Right.

02:03:39.000 Between, you know, essentially people that are right next door to them.

02:03:42.000 Right.

02:03:42.000 Joe, I gotta ask you a question.

02:03:44.000 Okay, David.

02:03:44.000 I like being scared.

02:03:45.000 Okay. 0.99

02:03:46.000 Like, I like thinking about how I'm gonna fight myself if guys are trying to rape me. 0.73

02:03:49.000 I like doing a podcast, something that I've never done. 0.80

02:03:52.000 Right.

02:03:52.000 Challenging myself.

02:03:53.000 I like trying stand-up, something I've never done before.

02:03:56.000 So I like being scared and challenging myself.

02:03:59.000 Me too.

02:03:59.000 Never been in a professional fight.

02:04:01.000 I used to fight all the time when I was a kid.

02:04:04.000 I'm 37 now.

02:04:05.000 I haven't been in a real fight in over eight years now.

02:04:10.000 If I wanted to have one shitty pro undercard fight, how much training would I have to do?

02:04:16.000 You'd have to do a lot. 0.77

02:04:17.000 A lot.

02:04:18.000 Like for a year?

02:04:18.000 Years.

02:04:19.000 Years.

02:04:19.000 If you want to be safe.

02:04:21.000 I don't want to be safe.

02:04:22.000 Here's the thing.

02:04:24.000 You're not in shape right now?

02:04:26.000 Totally not in shape.

02:04:27.000 Okay.

02:04:27.000 Do you do any kind of sport?

02:04:29.000 Nothing. 0.99

02:04:29.000 Jerk off. 0.99

02:04:29.000 Nothing that allows you to move quickly? 0.99

02:04:30.000 Aggressively.

02:04:31.000 You're in a lot of trouble.

02:04:32.000 How old are you?

02:04:33.000 I'm 37. You're going to get hurt.

02:04:34.000 Don't do it. 0.76

02:04:34.000 I'm definitely going to get hurt. 0.76

02:04:35.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:04:36.000 Listen, this is a romanticism that people have about getting hurt.

02:04:40.000 I have no problem.

02:04:40.000 Let me help you.

02:04:41.000 Joe, I have no problem getting hurt.

02:04:42.000 It's going to change your thought process.

02:04:44.000 Okay, okay.

02:04:44.000 Do you understand this?

02:04:45.000 No, no, no.

02:04:45.000 It's going to change who you are as a human being.

02:04:47.000 You don't understand head trauma.

02:04:50.000 I've been hit in my head my entire life.

02:04:52.000 I bet you've been really lucky.

02:04:53.000 I have severe head trauma.

02:04:54.000 You've been really lucky. 1.00

02:04:54.000 I've been in comas and shit, man. 1.00

02:04:56.000 I bet you have. 1.00

02:04:57.000 I believe you.

02:04:57.000 But it all works still.

02:04:59.000 There could be, at any point in time, there could be the tipping point.

02:05:03.000 And head trauma is just no joke.

02:05:05.000 And any unnecessary head trauma that you want to introduce into your life...

02:05:10.000 I always think it's a terrible idea.

02:05:11.000 And what I know is, if there's a guy who's 37 years old and has never had any martial arts training...

02:05:16.000 Do you do pro fights?

02:05:16.000 Well, I don't even spar.

02:05:18.000 I don't even kickbox spar.

02:05:20.000 You're over it.

02:05:20.000 I do jiu-jitsu spar, but I won't kickbox spar.

02:05:22.000 Because it's not worth it.

02:05:24.000 Okay.

02:05:24.000 Listen to me, man.

02:05:25.000 You only can get hit a certain amount of times in your head.

02:05:27.000 Right.

02:05:27.000 And if you think it's, like, cute to go out there and have an MMA fight...

02:05:31.000 No, I don't think it's... 0.99

02:05:31.000 Just because you want to experience it, it's fucking dangerous. 0.99

02:05:34.000 No, I know. 1.00

02:05:35.000 I know I'm most likely not going to win and I know I'm most likely going to get the shit kicked out of me. 0.98

02:05:40.000 But you don't want that, man. 0.98

02:05:41.000 I'm telling you.

02:05:42.000 I understand that you want it as an experience. 0.99

02:05:44.000 I got my best friend asking me that he could easily rape me. 0.96

02:05:46.000 I would like to be able to defend him. 0.99

02:05:47.000 You're not going to beat that guy.

02:05:49.000 You're not.

02:05:50.000 I met that guy.

02:05:50.000 That guy's too big.

02:05:52.000 He's too big.

02:05:53.000 A guy like that, you're going to have to become some sort of a black belt in jujitsu.

02:05:57.000 You're going to have to be able to wrestle him to the ground.

02:05:58.000 Okay, so I appreciate the concern for the head trauma because I've had been...

02:06:02.000 Extremely damaged in my head before. 0.99

02:06:04.000 I've had been knocked out, all that shit. 0.98

02:06:06.000 Yeah, it's not fucking awesome. 0.99

02:06:08.000 I've been knocked out where I wake up and I don't know who I am, like that kind of shit. 0.97

02:06:12.000 So I'm not under any like misconception of it's like gonna be like a cakewalk or anything, but I'm just saying... 0.96

02:06:19.000 It's too many variables.

02:06:20.000 Will you train me?

02:06:20.000 No way.

02:06:21.000 No way.

02:06:22.000 I don't want to be a part of it.

02:06:23.000 It's too many variables.

02:06:24.000 You want to fight me, Brian?

02:06:25.000 Here's a bunch of the variables, okay?

02:06:27.000 You're in shape.

02:06:27.000 First of all, you've got to have to pick a guy.

02:06:29.000 Right.

02:06:30.000 And you're going to have to pick a guy that's commensurate.

02:06:32.000 I love saying that word.

02:06:33.000 It makes me feel such.

02:06:33.000 What does that mean?

02:06:34.000 It means like similar, like the same level.

02:06:36.000 I want to fight a guy bigger than me.

02:06:38.000 Okay, what are you doing, man?

02:06:39.000 What are you trying to get hurt for?

02:06:40.000 Are you trying to be a hero?

02:06:41.000 No, I just want to...

02:06:42.000 I don't know.

02:06:43.000 Look, I know a dude who lost his sense of smell.

02:06:45.000 He took a beating and lost his sense of smell.

02:06:48.000 And it was just a one-two head kick combination. 0.92

02:06:51.000 Okay, I'm fat and I'm the most out of shape and fattest I've ever been.

02:06:55.000 But I have the X Factor. 0.73

02:06:57.000 I'm ferocious.

02:06:58.000 I won't stop. 1.00

02:06:59.000 Good luck with that shit. 1.00

02:07:00.000 I won't stop. 1.00

02:07:00.000 That's not gonna help you. 1.00

02:07:01.000 At all.

02:07:01.000 Not even a little bit.

02:07:02.000 People think that being tough is gonna help you.

02:07:04.000 I'm tough.

02:07:05.000 I'm ferocious.

02:07:05.000 That's just gonna get you hurt more.

02:07:07.000 That's just gonna mean you're gonna take more punishment. 1.00

02:07:09.000 So then I'll tap out then if I'm getting fucking this shit kicked out of me. 1.00

02:07:12.000 Okay. 1.00

02:07:12.000 Well then what happens? 1.00

02:07:13.000 You got damage to your brain.

02:07:15.000 Have you just tried bondage? 0.99

02:07:16.000 Look, if you fight a guy...

02:07:18.000 Here's my recommendation in this area.

02:07:21.000 If you really think about doing it, if you want to do it and you want the same kind of thrill, you can get a very similar thrill from doing a jiu-jitsu match. 0.99

02:07:27.000 Or just getting your butthole licked by old ladies? 1.00

02:07:29.000 No. 1.00

02:07:30.000 Because when you tap out, it's your responsibility with the butthole things going on.

02:07:35.000 So you're telling me to stick to just getting massages by men. 1.00

02:07:37.000 Well, I just think that it's not to be fucked with. 1.00

02:07:40.000 Head trauma is not to be fucked with. 1.00

02:07:42.000 Right, right. 1.00

02:07:42.000 People die, man. 1.00

02:07:43.000 There was a kid in Ireland that died really recently in a rugby match.

02:07:46.000 Right.

02:07:47.000 And he had had...

02:07:48.000 He got knocked out, I guess, and then he got knocked out again and died.

02:07:51.000 Well, here's the thing.

02:07:52.000 I know for sure I have a glass jaw.

02:07:54.000 Like, if you hit me in my jaw, I knock out.

02:07:56.000 But my entire life... 0.66

02:07:58.000 I'm Korean.

02:07:58.000 I have a thick head.

02:07:59.000 We have big heads.

02:08:00.000 Right.

02:08:01.000 That's how you can tell Asians apart. 1.00

02:08:02.000 Like, Koreans usually have bigger heads. 1.00

02:08:04.000 Right.

02:08:05.000 Big moon pie faces.

02:08:06.000 No, if you see a Chinese, Japanese, and a Korean, our heads are a little bit bigger. 0.97

02:08:10.000 I've been kicked, punched.

02:08:14.000 I've had a lot of head trauma, and it all, for the most part, still works. 0.99

02:08:17.000 My memory's going to shit a little bit, but aside from that, I can fucking, for the most part, function. 0.96

02:08:23.000 Listen, if you're willing to take this chance and possibly alter the way your mind works... 0.98

02:08:29.000 If you're going to be intelligent about it, because you're an intelligent guy, what you would want to do is dedicate yourself to martial arts first.

02:08:34.000 Before you ever actually do it, and it's going to take a long time, you're going to have to learn how, first of all, to defend yourself, and B, you're going to have to learn to be proficient in something.

02:08:44.000 My background is Judo.

02:08:46.000 I grew up doing Judo.

02:08:48.000 How good are you?

02:08:49.000 I won a lot of awards.

02:08:51.000 What was your belt?

02:08:52.000 What belt did you get to?

02:08:53.000 Green or something?

02:08:54.000 Okay.

02:08:55.000 I didn't get a black belt, but I won every single judo match I was in.

02:08:59.000 Well, listen, you're not an amateur.

02:09:01.000 No, but I shouldn't say you're not a novice.

02:09:04.000 Joe, I'm talking 15 years old was the last time.

02:09:07.000 Yeah, but there's an understanding there.

02:09:09.000 I wrestled in high school.

02:09:10.000 There was no punching in judo, but I never lost.

02:09:13.000 I wrestled in high school, and I didn't do any grappling again until I went to jiu-jitsu, which is like almost 10 years later.

02:09:20.000 And I remembered it instantly.

02:09:23.000 It just came back.

02:09:23.000 It came right back to me.

02:09:24.000 Because your body develops as a young man, understanding how to pin someone, understanding how to grapple and get gable grips and how to use your hips to sprawl.

02:09:35.000 It just comes back to you.

02:09:36.000 And I think that having that background, especially at that age, 15, that's big.

02:09:41.000 Learning something and getting really good at it where you're competitive at it when you're 15, that's like such a developmental period.

02:09:46.000 It becomes sort of a part of who you are as a person.

02:09:49.000 But the thing with me is my bones break easy.

02:09:52.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

02:09:54.000 What the fuck are you doing, man? 1.00

02:09:55.000 I just quit after whatever. 1.00

02:09:57.000 Like, I broke my collarbone in judo, I quit.

02:09:59.000 I played baseball, I broke my other collarbone, I quit.

02:10:01.000 I played football, I broke my ankle, I quit.

02:10:03.000 It's like, anytime I break a bone, I'm like, okay, that was that, you know?

02:10:06.000 Well, it's not hard to break your ankle or your collarbone doing any of those things.

02:10:11.000 Whether it's judo or football or baseball, that sounds in line.

02:10:14.000 I mean, it might not even be that your bones break easy.

02:10:18.000 It might be that you're just a little bit too ferocious.

02:10:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:10:21.000 I'll hug the shit out of you. 0.99

02:10:23.000 No, but you know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:10:24.000 You're like going for it.

02:10:25.000 That's how people injure themselves often.

02:10:27.000 My parents were like, or my dad was like, you have to learn some kind of martial art.

02:10:32.000 You're Asian. 0.99

02:10:32.000 You have to. 0.99

02:10:33.000 And I was like, we were not into sports.

02:10:36.000 Bruce Lee set the bar.

02:10:37.000 We had long hair.

02:10:38.000 We listened to heavy metal.

02:10:41.000 We didn't care about anything.

02:10:42.000 You know, it's like when a guy has three sons and he's like, yes, they're going to watch sports with me, whatever. 0.99

02:10:47.000 We didn't fucking give a shit about it. 0.99

02:10:49.000 We were nihilists. 1.00

02:10:50.000 We don't care about shit. 1.00

02:10:51.000 Why is that? 1.00

02:10:52.000 I don't know what happened.

02:10:55.000 We would go to school.

02:10:57.000 My dad would take a sack full of balls and just pour it out in front of us on the weekends and go, what do you guys want to play?

02:11:04.000 Softball?

02:11:05.000 Baseball?

02:11:07.000 Kickball, handball, football, basketball.

02:11:09.000 He'd have every ball and be like, what do you guys want to do?

02:11:11.000 And we're like, nothing.

02:11:12.000 Why?

02:11:13.000 I don't know.

02:11:15.000 We were just very...

02:11:16.000 We don't care about anything. 0.97

02:11:19.000 When you look back on what turned you into who you are today, this sort of wild dude, do you have any one thing that stands out as being the I don't give a fuck anymore moment? 0.87

02:11:29.000 There's not one... 0.98

02:11:31.000 Like, incident, but it's a combination of racism, humiliation, and, like, just never getting laid, you know?

02:11:40.000 So, just lack of good experiences and a lot of bad experiences.

02:11:44.000 Just an unbelievable amount of anger.

02:11:46.000 You know, like, going to a school where everyone makes fun of you for being Asian.

02:11:50.000 Wow. 1.00

02:11:50.000 Going to some place where every girl rejects you, and then within your own family, having this insane sex drive where just everyone just catches me jerking off all the time. 1.00

02:12:00.000 Like, just the... 1.00

02:12:02.000 I'm sleeping. 0.98

02:12:02.000 Well, don't you think, though, that when you're really young and your life is really fucked up? 0.98

02:12:05.000 I mean, the humiliation, like, oh my god, my mom just saw the tip of my dick hard. 0.99

02:12:10.000 But don't you think that when you're, like, really young and really stressed out and really fucked up that that's almost like a natural way to blow off the steam? 1.00

02:12:17.000 Like, dudes who are troubled almost always jerk off a lot. 0.99

02:12:20.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:12:21.000 I don't know.

02:12:22.000 What do I do in surveys?

02:12:25.000 There's no census attached to anything that I've said here. 1.00

02:12:28.000 I'm just talking shit. 0.99

02:12:29.000 No, I know, but you're right. 1.00

02:12:30.000 I would go home and I'd just be full of aggression.

02:12:32.000 And I just wasn't good at sports. 0.99

02:12:35.000 So I'm like, I don't even want to try this shit. 0.99

02:12:36.000 But then when they told me in football you could hit people, cool. 1.00

02:12:41.000 So you're angry.

02:12:43.000 You wanted to hit people.

02:12:43.000 Very angry.

02:12:44.000 And the thing with judo is that's another thing that my parents made me do.

02:12:49.000 I didn't want to do it.

02:12:50.000 But it's like I also didn't like people throwing me around.

02:12:53.000 So when we got into it, I was just like, I don't care if this guy's a higher belt than me, whatever.

02:13:01.000 I'm not going to let him pin me down.

02:13:04.000 As soon as he starts winning, I'm going to go...

02:13:06.000 Like, I just went there. 0.99

02:13:07.000 I'm gonna go fucking crazy and... 0.98

02:13:09.000 Well, what you should do... 0.99

02:13:10.000 I became the pride of my dojo.

02:13:12.000 They sent me to all the tournaments and I was like...

02:13:14.000 I was like the reluctant, like, I don't want to be here, but okay, fine, I'm here, I'm gonna win.

02:13:18.000 You were the pride of your dojo?

02:13:19.000 Yeah.

02:13:20.000 I won every, like, trophy thing for...

02:13:22.000 And then I broke my collarbone.

02:13:24.000 I was like, okay, that's the end of my...

02:13:25.000 Is your collarbone okay now?

02:13:27.000 My shoulders are a little smaller because I broke this one and this one.

02:13:30.000 Wow.

02:13:30.000 So, you know, the collarbones break and then they heal like this, right?

02:13:33.000 Really?

02:13:34.000 Yeah.

02:13:34.000 They just heal next to each other?

02:13:36.000 Collarbones snap, and then there's no brace you can put on, so you just hold your thing up, and then the bones just heal like this.

02:13:41.000 Over each other?

02:13:42.000 Yeah.

02:13:43.000 And so how much stronger or weaker is it than it used to be?

02:13:45.000 I think they get stronger, but my shoulders are a little bit narrower.

02:13:48.000 Wow, that's weird, man.

02:13:50.000 It could be worse, though. 1.00

02:13:51.000 There's a lot worse shit that you can break, right? 0.99

02:13:53.000 I'm not scared of pain. 1.00

02:13:55.000 Like, I've been burned.

02:13:56.000 You sound like a guy who's doing his, like, interview thing for, like, King of the Cage.

02:14:00.000 No, no, no.

02:14:01.000 Like, pain is not, like, oh, like, I'm not gonna do something because I could get hurt, you know?

02:14:07.000 Like, that doesn't bother me, you know?

02:14:09.000 And I'm not scared to be humiliated either.

02:14:12.000 Not that what I worry about.

02:14:13.000 What I worry about for people that don't have an extensive background in martial arts is head trauma.

02:14:18.000 You're not going to know how to get away.

02:14:19.000 You're not going to know how to not get hit as hard.

02:14:22.000 You're not going to know how to protect yourself.

02:14:23.000 Well, judo, all we do is, for the first few months, learn how to fall down.

02:14:28.000 That's good. 0.99

02:14:29.000 Like jumping over someone and then tucking into a roll and all that shit. 0.99

02:14:33.000 I know how to fall down. 0.99

02:14:34.000 I'm worried about you getting hit, that's all.

02:14:35.000 Right, right.

02:14:36.000 I mean, it's just part of MMA. I appreciate your concern, and this is something I'm probably not going to do, but just wanted to throw it out to see.

02:14:44.000 What's your thoughts on it?

02:14:45.000 I've seen people take some serious punishment and change them as a human being.

02:14:50.000 Change the reality of their life.

02:14:52.000 Right.

02:14:52.000 Impair their function.

02:14:54.000 Right, right.

02:14:54.000 It's real.

02:14:54.000 No, I know that.

02:14:55.000 I've seen it happen not just from MMA, but I have a friend who got hit in the head with a golf ball and he wasn't the same for almost a year. 0.99

02:15:01.000 He said for like six months he was fucked. 1.00

02:15:04.000 Fucked. 1.00

02:15:04.000 Just every day. 1.00

02:15:05.000 Massive headaches and depression and that can happen.

02:15:09.000 Who hit the golf ball? 1.00

02:15:10.000 Some dude just, he got hit with a line drive right in the side of the fucking head. 1.00

02:15:13.000 Like while he's playing golf or just sitting at his house? 1.00

02:15:15.000 He was on a golf course. 1.00

02:15:16.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

02:15:17.000 And just an errant ball hit him in the temple. 1.00

02:15:20.000 And he got fucked up, man. 1.00

02:15:22.000 He went down hard, just like totally knocked unconscious. 1.00

02:15:27.000 Fucked up for a long time. 0.99

02:15:29.000 So my point is, that can happen from a kick too, man. 0.99

02:15:33.000 That can happen from a knee. 0.99

02:15:34.000 You could be diving for a takedown, and some guy comes up with some flying knee and separates your fucking vertebrae. 1.00

02:15:40.000 It's nasty shit, man. 1.00

02:15:41.000 You can get really, really hurt. 1.00

02:15:43.000 If you really want to do it, though, what I was going to say is, what you should do is make it a vice thing.

02:15:47.000 Have them follow you with cameras.

02:15:49.000 Start a real training thing.

02:15:51.000 Have them check in on you every couple months.

02:15:53.000 But do it in a way where you're not going to hurt yourself.

02:15:55.000 Go to a gym.

02:15:56.000 Where's the fun in that?

02:15:58.000 You can minimize the amount of damage that you take with intelligence by actually learning some skills.

02:16:03.000 Will you have me back on the show if I'm in a wheelchair?

02:16:06.000 Oh, of course.

02:16:06.000 I'll have you back on the show if you talk to me through a thing in your neck.

02:16:11.000 Joe, I should have listened to you.

02:16:13.000 You were so right when it came to not doing MMA. I'm not saying that anybody should not do MMA. I think that if you're going to take risks...

02:16:21.000 It's ridiculous to take risks that have within them the possibility of massive trauma and not do it correctly.

02:16:30.000 Like, you could get knocked out, obviously.

02:16:32.000 Look, Anderson Silva, who's the greatest mixed martial arts fighter of all time.

02:16:37.000 He's the master.

02:16:38.000 He got knocked unconscious.

02:16:39.000 Anybody can.

02:16:41.000 The stuff you're telling to me is complete common sense.

02:16:44.000 But.

02:16:44.000 There's no but.

02:16:45.000 It's just...

02:16:46.000 You're making sense.

02:16:48.000 Right.

02:16:48.000 And the thing is, it's...

02:16:50.000 You're telling me this shit and it's not like, oh man, Joe's talking crazy. 0.99

02:16:53.000 It's like, you're being a good guy, giving me the wisdom of, you know, all the stuff you've seen and learned. 0.99

02:17:00.000 Okay, yeah, there is a but.

02:17:01.000 But, it's weird.

02:17:05.000 Like, I just got, did you see the Vice HBO series?

02:17:09.000 Yes. 1.00

02:17:10.000 It's just like, suicide bombers, you know, pirates, like all dangerous shit. 1.00

02:17:16.000 Right, right, right. 0.99

02:17:16.000 They asked me to be, for season two, one of the hosts. 0.99

02:17:19.000 And I just got the assignment list of things, you know, of places to go, and it's every single place I could die, you know?

02:17:26.000 And it's like, there's nothing about that, and I don't know what this says about me, but there's nothing about that where I'm like, oh, I'm scared of my life, or, you know, I'll go anywhere. 0.98

02:17:36.000 I don't give a shit, you know? 0.96

02:17:39.000 Well, then you're the perfect guy for the job. 0.99

02:17:41.000 Because me, I'm at home going, boy, I wouldn't want to be fucking David Cho right now. 0.98

02:17:45.000 Well, that's why. 0.96

02:17:47.000 The things you tell me about hurting myself, that's not a deterrent for me.

02:17:52.000 But I guess dying is dying. 1.00

02:17:54.000 You're just dead.

02:17:55.000 But being in a wheelchair, you're traumatized.

02:17:58.000 I would never want someone like me doing something to me that I could do to me. 0.96

02:18:03.000 I would never want someone planting a fucking shin on my head the way I know I can do to somebody. 0.96

02:18:09.000 I would never want someone kicking me in the body, punching me in the face the way I know I can do to somebody. 1.00

02:18:13.000 I would never want someone who knows how to strangle me strangle me the way I could do to me if I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. 0.92

02:18:19.000 So what I'm saying is if you are going to engage in mixed martial arts, you've got to get proficient at a martial art in order to be able to intelligently defend yourself. 0.99

02:18:28.000 Because if you can intelligently defend yourself, someone who's good is going to really fucking hurt you. 0.97

02:18:32.000 And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. 0.97

02:18:34.000 It's not going to be a fight, man. 0.98

02:18:35.000 You think it's going to be a fight.

02:18:37.000 But unless you find someone who's a novice, it's not going to be a fight.

02:18:40.000 It's going to be a slaughter.

02:18:41.000 No, unfortunately, I'm better at defending myself than being offensive. 1.00

02:18:45.000 That's all nice and good, but if you get a guy who actually knows how to fight, you're fucked. 0.99

02:18:48.000 If you're not careful and you go in there against some Division I All-American who fucking puts you on your back in three seconds and starts smashing your face with elbows from an impossibly strong body that's been throwing other bodies around its entire life, and you just thought you're being cute because you're an artist who likes to fuck chicks and you never work out, 0.99

02:19:05.000 and you're like, oh, I'm just going to go in there and take an adventure. 0.99

02:19:08.000 I'm like, fucking, I'm a modern-day... 0.99

02:19:10.000 Keep going, Joe. 1.00

02:19:11.000 I'm getting harder.

02:19:11.000 You gotta be careful, man.

02:19:13.000 Is he sweaty? 0.97

02:19:13.000 I don't want you to get sweaty as fuck, dude. 0.97

02:19:15.000 If you lick him, you'll get pregnant. 1.00

02:19:17.000 You'll grow ovaries if he drips his sweat in your mouth. 0.99

02:19:21.000 It's a dangerous thing.

02:19:23.000 You're involved with someone who, you know, you have to be careful and make sure that what you should do is take another, if you really want to do this, take another person who's like you and say, hey, let's fight in a year.

02:19:34.000 And let's do it amicably.

02:19:37.000 Let's get together and let's both experience this.

02:19:41.000 It'll probably make us like each other more as a person.

02:19:43.000 That was super steamy, what you just described. 1.00

02:19:44.000 It was almost like a gay sex scene. 1.00

02:19:46.000 A little bit. 1.00

02:19:46.000 I'll do this to you. 1.00

02:19:47.000 I've seen it too many times, man. 0.99

02:19:49.000 I've seen people who think they're tough guys go in there and get really fucking hurt. 0.85

02:19:53.000 I don't think I'm a tough guy. 0.90

02:19:54.000 I don't think I'm a tough guy.

02:19:55.000 I understand.

02:19:55.000 I don't think I'm going to go in there and like...

02:19:56.000 You kind of described yourself as being pretty ferocious and durable and really good at judo and the pride of the dojo.

02:20:01.000 So although you might not think you're a tough guy, you think you're proficient.

02:20:04.000 No, no.

02:20:05.000 Well, I think I'm able to...

02:20:06.000 Like, protect myself from getting those things.

02:20:10.000 That's all nice and cute until you find somebody who actually knows how to fight.

02:20:13.000 Right, right.

02:20:13.000 You don't know how to protect yourself.

02:20:15.000 Just do it. 1.00

02:20:16.000 Shut the fuck up, dude. 1.00

02:20:17.000 Seriously. 1.00

02:20:17.000 I'm trying to help the guy. 1.00

02:20:19.000 It's just...

02:20:20.000 I've seen it too many times, and I'm acutely aware of the possibilities.

02:20:23.000 And what I can do is nothing...

02:20:25.000 I'm more scared to go...

02:20:26.000 And it's something I've already done now, so I know what it feels like.

02:20:28.000 I'm more scared to go in front of an audience and do stand-up than I think I would be to go and fight someone.

02:20:33.000 It's a ferocious fighter.

02:20:34.000 That's because you haven't done both.

02:20:36.000 If you did both, you'd be way more scared of fighting.

02:20:38.000 I've been in fights before, Joe. 0.98

02:20:39.000 I've had the living shit kicked out of me by gangs and a bunch of people. 0.97

02:20:42.000 I know what pain feels like. 0.99

02:20:44.000 It's not like...

02:20:45.000 I know what it feels like to get knocked out and then wake up a day later and not know who I am.

02:20:50.000 I'm sure you do know that, but you also know that it's bad.

02:20:53.000 Of course.

02:20:55.000 Of course I know that.

02:20:56.000 That's all I'm saying, man.

02:20:57.000 I don't like when people get romantic about it because it's a part of...

02:21:01.000 It's almost like the comedy thing, you know?

02:21:06.000 I've done it three times now, and it turned out good.

02:21:10.000 But I didn't go in there with that.

02:21:11.000 I was like, oh, I'm going to bomb, and people are going to boo me, and this and that.

02:21:16.000 And I'm prepared for that, you know?

02:21:18.000 Right.

02:21:18.000 But it didn't turn out that way.

02:21:20.000 That's good.

02:21:20.000 Yeah.

02:21:21.000 I'm not going in there going, I'm going to be fucking Eddie Murphy. 0.91

02:21:25.000 I've never discouraged someone who wants to actually be a mixed martial artist. 0.96

02:21:29.000 I've never discouraged anyone who wants to actually take a big risk.

02:21:31.000 I'm not even going to learn mixed martial arts.

02:21:32.000 I'm going to do Taekwondo.

02:21:33.000 I've never tried to discourage anybody who wants to do something dangerous, but I just always say, if you're going to do it, remove as many variables as possible.

02:21:43.000 There's always variables in a live fight.

02:21:46.000 You could get hit by the first punch and your lights go out, or weird injuries.

02:21:51.000 Weird things can happen, but you've got to be as prepared as possible in order to be smart about it.

02:21:56.000 That's what I would say.

02:21:57.000 And most fighters retire around what age anyways?

02:22:00.000 It's completely different.

02:22:01.000 I mean, here's an interesting thing.

02:22:03.000 Bernard Hopkins, it's interesting because it never existed before.

02:22:06.000 Bernard Hopkins is the oldest champion ever.

02:22:09.000 How old is he?

02:22:09.000 And he's the light heavyweight champion today.

02:22:11.000 He's 48. And he's amazing.

02:22:13.000 He's still outboxing the shit out of people. 0.99

02:22:16.000 And doing it, it's a thing of beauty. 1.00

02:22:18.000 I mean, he's a fucking artisan in there. 0.99

02:22:20.000 He has a craft. 0.99

02:22:21.000 It's just like playing a guitar or being a painter.

02:22:24.000 He's got a craft.

02:22:26.000 He's an artist at it.

02:22:27.000 He knows how to minimize the amount of damage he takes.

02:22:29.000 He very rarely gets hit. 1.00

02:22:30.000 And he knows how to box the fucking ears off these young whippersnappers. 1.00

02:22:34.000 But he's 48. That's awesome. 1.00

02:22:36.000 But he takes care of himself.

02:22:38.000 Right.

02:22:39.000 He's eating right.

02:22:40.000 Right.

02:22:40.000 He's working out on a regular basis.

02:22:41.000 He never allows himself to get out of shape.

02:22:43.000 He's been fighting forever and he's got these skills developed over a long period of time.

02:22:46.000 He treats it serious.

02:22:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:22:48.000 I mean, if I did this shit, I would treat it totally serious. 0.99

02:22:51.000 Okay. 1.00

02:22:51.000 I wouldn't go in there fat. 1.00

02:22:52.000 I would train, like, my ass off. 0.99

02:22:54.000 For how long? 0.95

02:22:54.000 If you, like... 0.95

02:22:55.000 I don't know, a year?

02:22:56.000 How long would you want?

02:22:56.000 A year?

02:22:57.000 If you could do a year, you could get a lot done.

02:22:58.000 Yeah.

02:22:59.000 But you would have to make sure that you were matched up ethically.

02:23:01.000 That someone who's really a nice person, like, matches you up with another guy who's, you know, at least you have a chance.

02:23:07.000 Right.

02:23:07.000 I know you say you want to go against a bigger guy.

02:23:11.000 Just someone yourself.

02:23:12.000 Alright, fine.

02:23:13.000 Alright, fine.

02:23:13.000 Yoshi, Yoshi.

02:23:15.000 Why would you say that?

02:23:16.000 They're friends.

02:23:17.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:23:19.000 I wouldn't want to fight Yoshi.

02:23:20.000 Yoshi's got that to-the-death look in his eyes.

02:23:23.000 Yoshi might take things into the basement.

02:23:26.000 He might invoke the Dark Lord. 1.00

02:23:29.000 He might see some fucking hellfire in his eyes. 1.00

02:23:31.000 Oh, man. 1.00

02:23:32.000 I just, I get sensitive about the one issue.

02:23:34.000 I don't like to preach, but there's one issue that I get sensitive about, and that's the frivolization, if that's a word.

02:23:40.000 I'm not frivolizing it.

02:23:42.000 I'm not frivolizing it.

02:23:43.000 Like, Joe, I'm telling you, like, I'm prepared to get hurt. 0.99

02:23:46.000 I know that shit, I know I might break something, or I might get knocked out unconscious. 1.00

02:23:51.000 Like, I know that. 1.00

02:23:52.000 I'm not, like, saying, yeah, it's gonna be fine.

02:23:54.000 Whatever.

02:23:55.000 I'm not frivolizing at all.

02:23:56.000 I understand.

02:23:57.000 You're just willing to take that risk.

02:23:59.000 You're in this world.

02:24:00.000 I thought you'd be a good guy to talk to about this.

02:24:03.000 Well, if you are really going to dedicate yourself to it and you want to do it as an experience, I think a year is a good amount of time.

02:24:08.000 It's just something that I... In the same way I started thinking about Maybe adopting a kid?

02:24:13.000 I just thought, also, maybe I should fight.

02:24:15.000 I would say go with a fight first.

02:24:18.000 That seems like less of a commitment. 0.99

02:24:20.000 If you get fucked up, hopefully a body shot, somebody hooks you to the liver, and you just tap out immediately. 1.00

02:24:25.000 I'm just going to stick with the hermaphrodites. 1.00

02:24:28.000 What if you get a hermaphrodite pregnant? 1.00

02:24:30.000 I mean, it's very likely she could still get pregnant. 1.00

02:24:32.000 Then the baby could suck the dick on the way out. 1.00

02:24:34.000 We should... 1.00

02:24:36.000 Dude, how dare you?

02:24:37.000 How dare you?

02:24:38.000 Let's look that up.

02:24:39.000 Can a hermaphrodite get pregnant? 1.00

02:24:41.000 A hermaphrodite.

02:24:43.000 Well, I mean, if I was a herm... 1.00

02:24:45.000 I think most hermaphrodites, the dick is above their vagina, right? 1.00

02:24:48.000 And I think... 1.00

02:24:49.000 I think it's inside.

02:24:50.000 I think it's inside, and I think it's just like half the size, and it really doesn't... 0.99

02:24:53.000 Like, even if it gets hard, it's not like a dick. 0.99

02:24:55.000 It's just like a little... 0.91

02:24:56.000 I think it's not functional either.

02:24:58.000 Like, it doesn't, you know...

02:24:59.000 See, I wouldn't mind that. 0.98

02:25:00.000 If the girl's cool and shit, you know, it'd be cute. 1.00

02:25:02.000 You can rub her a little pussy boner and it'd be fun. 1.00

02:25:06.000 There's a porn store that has a huge clitoris. 1.00

02:25:08.000 I can't remember her name. 1.00

02:25:10.000 But, like, the dudes in the pornos always suck her clit like it's a little penis. 1.00

02:25:13.000 Okay, here's the question. 1.00

02:25:15.000 Okay.

02:25:15.000 Here's the question that's answered.

02:25:16.000 Surveys suggest that functioning ovaries are fairly common in the intersexed.

02:25:21.000 Pregnancy and birth don't happen often, but they happen.

02:25:24.000 Functioning testes are rarer, but again, not completely unknown.

02:25:29.000 Functioning ovaries and functioning testes, however, plus functioning everything else. 0.92

02:25:34.000 I suppose I could propose one far-fetched scenario where it could possibly happen, but as a practical matter, it's not.

02:25:41.000 Get out, it says.

02:25:43.000 So what they're basically saying is that there's variables.

02:25:46.000 The same reason why there's a hermaphrodite in the first place is because there's this weird variation.

02:25:50.000 There's a bunch of different levels of that variation.

02:25:52.000 It only makes sense.

02:25:54.000 I mean, if you think about people are not the same.

02:25:56.000 We're all different.

02:25:57.000 We all look different.

02:25:58.000 We're all shaped different.

02:25:59.000 We're all different sizes.

02:26:00.000 It just makes sense that we would have variations as far as our genitalia go. 0.96

02:26:04.000 Does she have a period or does she just fart? 1.00

02:26:07.000 Great question.

02:26:08.000 That's another one you should have not said.

02:26:10.000 Just run those through the internet first.

02:26:12.000 Before she told me the punchline, I really enjoyed this last month thinking I was gay. 0.99

02:26:18.000 I really did.

02:26:20.000 That's not a punchline, dude. 1.00

02:26:21.000 That's a fucking excuse. 0.99

02:26:23.000 It's not a punchline. 0.99

02:26:24.000 Do you understand?

02:26:25.000 You're trying to rationalize that that's a punchline. 1.00

02:26:27.000 This woman's got a dick up there. 1.00

02:26:29.000 It's okay, though. 1.00

02:26:30.000 It's just a joke.

02:26:31.000 She's the greatest comedian ever. 0.97

02:26:33.000 LOL, RFL, MAO. Ladies, if you're listening, it's a fantastic joke to pull on here, dude.

02:26:39.000 Just tell them that you used to be a guy or that there's an extra piece. 0.99

02:26:42.000 Yeah, what if the dude jumps right off a fucking cliff and you're like, I was joking! 0.98

02:26:47.000 That's why it's a next level joke. 0.99

02:26:48.000 It's a next level joke.

02:26:50.000 It's not next level.

02:26:50.000 Dude, you're thinking incorrectly.

02:26:53.000 And, uh, yeah.

02:26:56.000 My mom is also like, she came to Mexico for the show, and she's just letting me know, you know, my mom had three children, me, both my brothers, I'm in the middle.

02:27:07.000 We're all in our late 30s now.

02:27:08.000 No one's married.

02:27:10.000 Do you think that's like a rebound from the strict Korean way of being raised? 0.99

02:27:16.000 No.

02:27:16.000 Me and all my brothers are weird.

02:27:18.000 We're like weird people.

02:27:19.000 Always have been.

02:27:20.000 Yeah.

02:27:21.000 All of our cousins, they're all happily married, have kids, they have normal lives.

02:27:26.000 I tell them my stories and they're like...

02:27:28.000 Dave's weird.

02:27:29.000 Uncle Dave's...

02:27:30.000 He's, you know...

02:27:31.000 Right, but aren't they weird too?

02:27:32.000 Aren't people that are suppressed and keep it inside?

02:27:34.000 I think everyone's weird.

02:27:35.000 Yeah, now you're talking.

02:27:37.000 Like, I think I'm normal.

02:27:38.000 And I know that that sounds... 0.55

02:27:39.000 Oh, Dave's crazy. 1.00

02:27:40.000 He does crazy shit. 1.00

02:27:41.000 And he thinks... 1.00

02:27:42.000 I'm like, I think I'm the most normal person because I just...

02:27:45.000 I live like...

02:27:48.000 How I think you're supposed to live.

02:27:49.000 And then I meet these people that just do what society wants them to do and it's crazy to me and they withhold. 1.00

02:27:56.000 They live like fucking pussies. 1.00

02:27:58.000 Well, human beings are pattern followers. 1.00

02:28:00.000 We're naturally pattern followers.

02:28:01.000 Right.

02:28:01.000 And we naturally follow successful patterns of behavior because those have been...

02:28:05.000 Proven to be effective, so all of our concerns and issues and insecurities sort of get ironed out in advance by other people that are successful.

02:28:12.000 So when we follow the society pattern that's set up right now, the society pattern is, you know, get married, get divorced, lose all your money, get married, stay together, have a family, get married, grow apart, get married, be super happy.

02:28:27.000 There's a few different possibilities that can happen to you.

02:28:30.000 There's a bunch of different ones.

02:28:31.000 But you have to follow the natural paradigms.

02:28:34.000 If you don't, there's something wrong with you.

02:28:36.000 And people who are following them, they don't want to be around you.

02:28:39.000 Especially wives. 1.00

02:28:40.000 I'm sure you have friends that have wives that do not want David Cho being around.

02:28:45.000 No, they hate me. 1.00

02:28:45.000 Because David Cho's talking about getting his butthole sucked out of his body by some crazy woman. 1.00

02:28:51.000 Look, I got advice for people, but it's not for married people. 1.00

02:28:53.000 It's not for everybody.

02:28:54.000 My advice is for people who...

02:28:57.000 Don't want to be like...

02:28:58.000 You're not giving advice.

02:29:00.000 You're giving out experiences that you feel are very positive experiences.

02:29:03.000 People like to go...

02:29:04.000 And people can learn from them.

02:29:05.000 Yeah, and people go, oh, Dave's lucky. 1.00

02:29:07.000 It's like he won the lotto with the Facebook shit. 0.98

02:29:09.000 I'm like, I've been successful at everything I've ever done. 0.99

02:29:12.000 I've made tons of money doing art, gambling.

02:29:15.000 It's like, oh, so...

02:29:17.000 That was all luck.

02:29:18.000 For people who don't know what the Facebook thing is, just in a nutshell, just spell it out real quick.

02:29:22.000 That was something that I learned from gambling that I brought over.

02:29:25.000 I had just gotten out of prison, and a guy named Sean Parker, who started Napster, he was 23 or 24 at the time, maybe he was 26, but he was in his young 20s, and he'd already started a couple of multi-million dollar companies, none that really made any money.

02:29:41.000 Plaxo didn't make any money.

02:29:43.000 Napster got sued for, I think, a trillion dollars.

02:29:45.000 So this was his next project.

02:29:47.000 And this whole time, he was a fan of my art.

02:29:49.000 He's like, Dave, I gotta get a painting from you. 1.00

02:29:52.000 Like, you're a sick fuck like me. 1.00

02:29:53.000 I need to get a painting from you, but I'm being sued right now. 1.00

02:29:56.000 I can't afford it.

02:29:57.000 This and that.

02:29:58.000 And so when Facebook came up, he's like, look, there's this new social media site that connects college kids. 0.93

02:30:04.000 And I was like, that sounds gay.

02:30:06.000 And he goes, uh, and we have some financial backing, so now I can finally pay you to do a painting. 0.90

02:30:12.000 And I said, or...

02:30:15.000 If you want, if...

02:30:16.000 And he's an innovator. 0.99

02:30:18.000 He's like, I'm going to fucking... 1.00

02:30:19.000 This shit is going to take over the world. 1.00

02:30:22.000 I'm going to change the world. 1.00

02:30:23.000 This is good.

02:30:24.000 If you don't want, then I could give you stocks in the company.

02:30:27.000 And I needed money because I needed to pay my lawyers.

02:30:29.000 I needed to pay all my ex-girlfriend, my friends.

02:30:31.000 I needed to pay everyone back.

02:30:32.000 And I said...

02:30:34.000 I don't know about social media.

02:30:35.000 I was never on MySpace.

02:30:36.000 I was never on any of these things.

02:30:38.000 I said, you know what?

02:30:39.000 I believe in this kid.

02:30:40.000 So I took the stock.

02:30:41.000 The stock ended up being worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

02:30:44.000 So overnight, that made me, I guess, the highest living paid artist in the world, which is pretty cool.

02:30:49.000 But before that, I was pretty successful at everything else I did.

02:30:56.000 Why do you think that is?

02:30:58.000 Well, I just came back from this conference in Norway of all the top chefs in the world.

02:31:03.000 So I'm like, this is cool.

02:31:04.000 I like this.

02:31:05.000 I'm in a new environment.

02:31:06.000 It was sort of like...

02:31:07.000 Did you go with Bourdain?

02:31:08.000 Bourdain didn't go.

02:31:09.000 That's why I went.

02:31:10.000 David Chang, who has Momofuku in New York...

02:31:13.000 He goes, Bourdain, please come.

02:31:14.000 This year is talking about guts, about being brave.

02:31:17.000 And you come and Bourdain's like, are you kidding me?

02:31:20.000 I'm not going to fucking embarrass myself in front of the top chefs I've been out of this game.

02:31:24.000 He's like, Dave, you should go. 0.97

02:31:26.000 And so I'm like, what am I going to do?

02:31:28.000 And I just started thinking I want to start doing stand-up.

02:31:31.000 So Dave Chang was like, Dave, why don't you come? 0.92

02:31:33.000 I'm like, you'll be the first non-chef that's been asked to speak at a fucking chef conference of 600 of like, The top Michelin star chefs. 0.95

02:31:42.000 And I don't know these people. 0.96

02:31:44.000 I get off the plane and they're like, Dave, we're going to eat at NOMO tonight.

02:31:48.000 You know?

02:31:50.000 Or NOLA. Sorry, I said it wrong.

02:31:52.000 I'm fucking retarded. 0.99

02:31:54.000 We're eating at NOLA tonight. 1.00

02:31:55.000 I'm like, oh, NOBU? And I'm like, oh, there's a Nobu in Copenhagen?

02:32:00.000 Nola is the fucking number one voted restaurant in the world, like, four years in a row. 0.82

02:32:05.000 Like, it's like an eating experience you've never... 0.99

02:32:07.000 The guy that runs Nola Rene is a fucking, like, Picasso of the cooking world. 0.99

02:32:13.000 I mean, just insane, like... 0.99

02:32:16.000 Like, he'll put this in front of you.

02:32:17.000 And you're like, what is this? 0.98

02:32:19.000 And it's like, this is a rock that I just shit with food that you would never believe. 0.99

02:32:24.000 And so I'm here with these highly, highly successful people that are like, you know, fucking Dario Cecchini. 0.99

02:32:35.000 I can't even remember all their names. 0.96

02:32:37.000 Alex Atela from Brazil.

02:32:40.000 They all have the number one restaurant in their city.

02:32:43.000 The guys in LA. For me, it's amazing because Dave's like, we're not going to be able to pay you.

02:32:48.000 We can get you out here, but you will never have to fucking wait to eat at any of these restaurants ever. 0.55

02:32:53.000 I'm like, I'll do it just for that. 0.95

02:32:55.000 I get there. 0.99

02:32:56.000 I don't know who any of these people are, but they are the fucking champions of the cooking world. 0.98

02:33:02.000 I got to hang out with them for a week. 0.97

02:33:07.000 You want to talk about following patterns of success?

02:33:10.000 I mean, first of all, they're all angry.

02:33:14.000 Like an insane amount of, like, this is the way you run a restaurant.

02:33:19.000 Why?

02:33:19.000 They challenge everything.

02:33:21.000 They are fucking brave. 0.99

02:33:23.000 They fucking went for it. 1.00

02:33:25.000 Everyone said a restaurant is going to fail. 0.99

02:33:28.000 The chances of a restaurant staying in business is not that good. 0.99

02:33:32.000 And who's going to want to eat a fucking taco that has Korean meat? 0.99

02:33:37.000 They're challenging the norm. 1.00

02:33:39.000 They're challenging society. 0.99

02:33:40.000 And they're all crazy. 0.98

02:33:42.000 A challenging society with tacos?

02:33:43.000 Just, you know, whenever you go to a restaurant and you...

02:33:46.000 Well, that's the thing.

02:33:48.000 I went there and I was like, I don't even know why I'm here.

02:33:51.000 So these guys are talking about...

02:33:53.000 What do you mean?

02:33:53.000 You're there to eat?

02:33:54.000 No, it was about next level food.

02:33:57.000 It was serious.

02:33:59.000 It's like what food is doing to...

02:34:01.000 You mean the conference?

02:34:02.000 The whole conference, yeah.

02:34:03.000 Okay, I thought you meant the restaurant.

02:34:05.000 Oh, well the restaurant was to eat, but then the whole conference was like... 1.00

02:34:08.000 The fucking shitty food we're serving in public schools. 0.99

02:34:12.000 A speaker there was from Somalia, his restaurant had been blown up like three times and he keeps opening it. 1.00

02:34:18.000 So it was about all these...

02:34:19.000 It was sort of like on a serious topic, like the state of food right now with overpopulation and what that's doing to create dark snow. 0.96

02:34:28.000 I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here?

02:34:31.000 And it was super serious and they're covering real issues about Food and the world and this and that. 1.00

02:34:39.000 And then I just went on stage and started talking about how everything makes me shit. 0.99

02:34:44.000 That's all I could do. 0.99

02:34:45.000 So you tried to do stand-up?

02:34:46.000 I did stand-up.

02:34:48.000 How did it go?

02:34:48.000 It went amazing.

02:34:49.000 That's hilarious. 0.97

02:34:50.000 Yeah, it was fucking awesome. 0.98

02:34:52.000 I puked before. 0.98

02:34:53.000 I went for a walk and I was like...

02:34:56.000 The girl before me was a 10-year-old speaker that talked about how she changed the way people eat in Africa off her blog. 1.00

02:35:03.000 And I'm like, I need to kill myself right now.

02:35:06.000 Oh my god. 0.98

02:35:07.000 She's 10 and she changed the way they eat in Africa. 0.94

02:35:09.000 Yeah, she started a blog about how people are starving and everyone's crying and clapping.

02:35:14.000 And I'm like... 0.99

02:35:15.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:35:16.000 I was like, I can't go up there and try to sound like I'm a food guy. 0.99

02:35:19.000 Wow.

02:35:20.000 And I just talked about...

02:35:21.000 Things that give you diarrhea.

02:35:23.000 Well, I'm Asian. 0.78

02:35:24.000 What does that mean?

02:35:25.000 What does that mean?

02:35:26.000 I'm Asian, I grew up in America.

02:35:28.000 Asians aren't supposed to eat lasagna. 0.56

02:35:30.000 They're not?

02:35:31.000 No.

02:35:31.000 Why?

02:35:32.000 There's no cheese in Korean food.

02:35:33.000 There's not?

02:35:34.000 No.

02:35:34.000 There's no cheese in Korean food.

02:35:36.000 So you can't eat lasagna? 0.99

02:35:38.000 So thousands of years of Koreans eating rice and soup and Korean seaweed and shit. 0.99

02:35:42.000 Kriapula wine? 1.00

02:35:44.000 They come to America. 1.00

02:35:45.000 What did you say, Brian?

02:35:46.000 Korean poo wine.

02:35:47.000 What is that?

02:35:48.000 It's something in Korea.

02:35:49.000 It's a medicine.

02:35:50.000 Vice did a thing on it.

02:35:52.000 Really?

02:35:52.000 Where they take the poo of a seven-year-old child.

02:35:56.000 Oh, come on. 0.87

02:35:57.000 And they actually had a reporter from Vice that had to take it.

02:36:00.000 And I felt so bad for her.

02:36:01.000 She was so... 0.93

02:36:02.000 Nice about it.

02:36:03.000 And she drank the poo wine? 0.99

02:36:04.000 I don't know about Korea.

02:36:05.000 I don't want to see this.

02:36:06.000 Poo wine, but basically...

02:36:07.000 Cut that off, dude.

02:36:08.000 There's no... 1.00

02:36:10.000 You know, all this shit that's part of an American diet, like hamburgers, spaghetti, tacos, all this shit. 1.00

02:36:16.000 This is all new, you know? 1.00

02:36:18.000 This is all new, so...

02:36:19.000 So your genetics are not set up for cheese.

02:36:22.000 So my entire life, I've had irritable bowel syndrome.

02:36:25.000 Wow.

02:36:25.000 My whole life, a part of anxiety is...

02:36:30.000 I'm gonna go talk to Joel right now, live, for, I don't know, an hour, two hours, whatever. 0.99

02:36:35.000 If I'm getting nervous, I have to shit. 0.99

02:36:38.000 Like, what, I'm going to make this guy live cut the thing so I have to run? 0.99

02:36:41.000 So that gives me more anxiety, and that adds to the puking.

02:36:44.000 So did you cut dairy out of your diet?

02:36:45.000 I love lasagna.

02:36:47.000 I can't stop.

02:36:49.000 So that's just your decision. 0.98

02:36:50.000 You love lasagna more than you love not shitting yourself.

02:36:53.000 I love comics the same way you love comics. 0.79

02:36:55.000 Okay.

02:36:56.000 But I grew up reading, like, Calvin and Hobbes. 0.99

02:36:58.000 I started with the funnies, the newspaper, you know, like Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes, all that shit. 0.97

02:37:05.000 And so, I was obsessed with Garfield, like, eating lasagna. 0.98

02:37:09.000 You know, I'm like, why does this cat eat lasagna? 0.99

02:37:12.000 You know, because I'm an Asian kid eating rice and fucking kimchi. 0.99

02:37:15.000 I forgot about Garfield eating lasagna. 0.99

02:37:18.000 I don't even know how to pronounce it.

02:37:20.000 Lasagna, you know?

02:37:21.000 So, I'm like, you know, and I don't know what it is.

02:37:25.000 It's like an exotic foreign white people food thing. 0.99

02:37:28.000 And then my aunt brings it one day, and we eat the shit out of it. 0.98

02:37:32.000 And I'm like, no wonder Garfield loves it. 0.97

02:37:34.000 Because it's cheesy and it's got tomato sauce.

02:37:37.000 And what does it do? 1.00

02:37:39.000 It explodes out of my ass. 1.00

02:37:41.000 It's like poison to me. 1.00

02:37:42.000 I can't eat this shit. 1.00

02:37:43.000 I can't eat dairy. 1.00

02:37:44.000 I'm lactose intolerant.

02:37:45.000 But it tastes so good.

02:37:46.000 There's nothing in Korean food that tastes close to that.

02:37:49.000 I mean, we have other delicious treats, but nothing like that.

02:37:52.000 So I'm like, look.

02:37:54.000 But you were willing to take that just for the delicious taste. 1.00

02:37:57.000 You're willing to just have to shit yourself. 1.00

02:37:59.000 I do it even today, now. 1.00

02:38:01.000 I mean, my... 0.94

02:38:02.000 I've had irritable bowel syndrome, so I've always looked it up on WebMD and shit like that. 0.76

02:38:08.000 There's no known cause for it, but they think it's most likely stress. 0.88

02:38:15.000 But wouldn't it be dietary?

02:38:17.000 Well, it's a combination.

02:38:18.000 I have the IBS from the non-stop stress, and then also...

02:38:22.000 The dietary part of it.

02:38:24.000 So, yeah, I cut down a little bit on the dairy, but the stress part, a lot of it came from the gambling, from taking all these insane chances. 0.99

02:38:31.000 Like, I'll tell you, like, oh, I'm going to fight some crazy killer and I might get my shit kicked in, whatever. 0.93

02:38:37.000 Like, I'm cool, like, out here, but inside I'm like, oh my god, you know? 1.00

02:38:42.000 Or we're going to send you to interview some Somali pirates and they might chop your head off, you know? 1.00

02:38:47.000 Cool. 1.00

02:38:47.000 No problem. 1.00

02:38:48.000 But inside, I'm just shitting. 0.99

02:38:50.000 Pfft. 1.00

02:38:51.000 I'm just a fucking mess. 1.00

02:38:53.000 So I internalize it. 0.99

02:38:55.000 So as I've eliminated less stress from my life, the IBS has gotten better, you know?

02:39:01.000 Jesus.

02:39:02.000 So that's what I did my whole act on. 0.98

02:39:04.000 And, you know, one of my friends, Harris Whittles, who writes for Eastbound and Down, he does stand-up too, and I said, Dude, what the fuck do I talk about? 0.92

02:39:12.000 And he goes... 0.98

02:39:13.000 Anytime you do stand-up, it's a fucking cheap shot, it's a no-brainer. 1.00

02:39:16.000 Shit stories always kills. 1.00

02:39:18.000 So I went up, and it did. 1.00

02:39:21.000 The people there were like, I was like, oh, that food you guys serve me makes me shit. 0.99

02:39:25.000 I turned it around. 0.99

02:39:26.000 I ended up talking about how I'm in a different practice than them.

02:39:31.000 You know, if you want to be successful, if you're not focused in life is to be like a family person, but if you want to be the absolute best of whatever your field is, then you have to take chances. 0.99

02:39:42.000 You can't be a pussy. 1.00

02:39:43.000 You can't be a follower. 1.00

02:39:44.000 You can't follow...

02:39:46.000 You have to break constantly and challenge yourself and challenge the way everything is.

02:39:51.000 You have to question things, and it's scary because no one else has done it. 0.98

02:39:55.000 So, shitting yourself? 0.97

02:39:56.000 You're questioning and challenging yourself? 0.99

02:39:59.000 Well, that...

02:40:02.000 That is the joke part, but when it was at its worst, I didn't leave the house.

02:40:07.000 Wow, that's so crazy.

02:40:08.000 I can't believe you kept that diet up, though.

02:40:10.000 This was my day.

02:40:11.000 Well, it wasn't just the diet.

02:40:12.000 How much of a variation did you give your diet?

02:40:15.000 Did you ever cut out gluten?

02:40:17.000 Did you ever cut out dairy, everything, and just try to eat nothing but meat and vegetables?

02:40:22.000 Yeah, I've done every different kind of...

02:40:25.000 Nothing helps?

02:40:27.000 I did just protein stuff.

02:40:29.000 I've done different stuff, but at the end of the day, it's always the stress that gets to me.

02:40:35.000 What stress?

02:40:38.000 I feel like I'm in therapy.

02:40:39.000 Well, I've been in jail a lot of times, which means I did a lot of bad things.

02:40:44.000 So yeah, I used to constantly be looking over my shoulder.

02:40:47.000 So that's the stress.

02:40:48.000 That was when I was younger.

02:40:50.000 Then the gambling, every time, every week, I would put my entire life savings on the line.

02:40:54.000 So it's like, wow, I'm in Vegas.

02:40:57.000 Someone else is having a good time, going to strip club, whatever.

02:41:00.000 I'm risking everything I've ever worked for right now.

02:41:02.000 That creates stress.

02:41:03.000 Wow.

02:41:04.000 And how do you deal with that today?

02:41:07.000 Well, I don't gamble anymore.

02:41:09.000 Just couldn't take it anymore. 1.00

02:41:11.000 It's just stupid. 1.00

02:41:12.000 There's no reason for me to gamble. 1.00

02:41:14.000 When you made as much money as me, it's just retarded to gamble. 0.98

02:41:18.000 Right, because you get caught up and lose it all.

02:41:20.000 What's the point?

02:41:21.000 And it can happen, right?

02:41:22.000 People have done that. 0.97

02:41:23.000 Especially when you go to Macau and they're like, do you want to fucking bet with million dollar chips? 0.98

02:41:28.000 Oh my Jesus Christ. 0.97

02:41:29.000 That makes me so nervous. 1.00

02:41:31.000 It makes your dick dribble up into your body. 1.00

02:41:33.000 When I pass by those tables in Vegas and I see someone who's willing to bet like $25,000 on a roll of roulette, I've seen it happen. 1.00

02:41:40.000 Oh no, that was me.

02:41:41.000 What a crazy move that is.

02:41:43.000 That's the pink chips.

02:41:44.000 And I got to the point in Vegas where they knew me, and they would let me bet a quarter million.

02:41:49.000 Dan White won $7 million one night in Vegas.

02:41:52.000 He's lost as much as a million.

02:41:54.000 You guys should get together and make out. 0.96

02:41:56.000 I mean, that guy has made a shit ton of money doing UFC, and so to get his dick card, he has to bet like that. 0.99

02:42:01.000 To get his dick hard. 0.99

02:42:02.000 That is an expression for gamblers, isn't it? 1.00

02:42:05.000 To get his dick hard? 1.00

02:42:06.000 Yeah, what's he going to do? 1.00

02:42:07.000 Sit at a table and play $20 blackjack?

02:42:09.000 Nickel slots.

02:42:11.000 What is it about people that love that?

02:42:12.000 First of all, a lot of UFC takes place in Vegas, right?

02:42:16.000 Yes.

02:42:16.000 He lives in Vegas.

02:42:17.000 The UFC office is in Vegas.

02:42:20.000 And if he's an addict, then he's dangerously...

02:42:23.000 That's a horrible place to live.

02:42:26.000 Yeah, but he's getting away with it because he's rich and he makes a lot of money.

02:42:30.000 Right.

02:42:30.000 And he figures out how to do it, and he's good at it.

02:42:32.000 Well, see, in Vegas they cap you off, you know?

02:42:34.000 You can't bet the way you do in Macau.

02:42:37.000 Well, that's one of the reasons why we stopped being at the Palms.

02:42:39.000 They cut back his limit.

02:42:41.000 Right.

02:42:41.000 They cut back his credit.

02:42:42.000 Right. 0.70

02:42:43.000 Because he was killing them. 0.99

02:42:44.000 Yeah, if you have a shit ton of money, if you have a bankroll and you know how to gamble, you could fucking knock one of those casinos out and, you know, they'll fucking... 0.99

02:42:53.000 Yeah, it's a good feeling. 0.98

02:42:55.000 That's hilarious, man. 0.99

02:42:56.000 That's so crazy and dangerous and wild, the idea of betting that much fucking money. 0.97

02:43:01.000 I don't have that at all. 0.98

02:43:05.000 How did you think I got to that point?

02:43:08.000 I'm sure I can get that.

02:43:09.000 Don't get me wrong.

02:43:10.000 You bet with your life savings and win-win until you get to the point where you're like, oh, now I'm like those guys betting $25,000 a hand.

02:43:17.000 Well, you're a smart guy, and you also know that there's some ways as a gambler, in quotes, you can sort of minimize the risks, and it's by being very intelligent about what you're doing.

02:43:27.000 That's exactly what I'm telling you about MMA fighting, but with much more everlasting repercussions.

02:43:33.000 Because if you get broke, you're a smart guy, you'll figure out how to get money again.

02:43:37.000 You already know the drill.

02:43:38.000 You know how to get rich.

02:43:39.000 But I'm not trying to be like a professional fighter with a long career.

02:43:43.000 I'm trying to have one fight.

02:43:44.000 I understand, but I'll tell you what.

02:43:45.000 One fight could kill me. 1.00

02:43:47.000 Yeah, Tiago Alves in one fight could change your fucking life. 1.00

02:43:50.000 That motherfucker would change the whole rest of your life with a couple of knees. 1.00

02:43:53.000 It's just, you gotta make sure that if you're fighting someone that they're like you. 0.99

02:43:57.000 A guy who's not necessarily a lifelong expert, maybe has a little bit of martial arts, and you gotta get good at protecting yourself against strikes.

02:44:06.000 That's the big one.

02:44:07.000 Because it sounds like if you have a judo base, you're probably a really good grappler.

02:44:10.000 Judo guys are notoriously strong core strength, hard to take down. 1.00

02:44:14.000 I give amazing bear hugs.

02:44:16.000 But the striking is a totally different thing. 1.00

02:44:19.000 Dude will set you up, fake you out, and drop a fucking bomb on your noodle, and you're not going to like it. 1.00

02:44:25.000 I have a weak chin. 1.00

02:44:26.000 I'll get knocked the fuck out. 1.00

02:44:28.000 One chin, one knock right here, I'm out. 1.00

02:44:30.000 Don't do it, man.

02:44:31.000 Don't do it then.

02:44:32.000 Trust me. 0.99

02:44:33.000 But a grappling match, that could be some hardcore shit. 0.98

02:44:36.000 You could learn jiu-jitsu, learn jiu-jitsu, get into a school, train, and train for a grappling match. 0.99

02:44:43.000 And the worst case scenario is you get tapped out.

02:44:45.000 You get strangled.

02:44:45.000 You're tapped out.

02:44:46.000 You're all right.

02:44:47.000 You get an arm bar.

02:44:48.000 You tap out. 0.97

02:44:48.000 And it'll be fucking crazy wild and fun, but you don't have to worry about the lasting effects of head trauma. 0.97

02:44:54.000 It still is possibly and potentially very dangerous, but you'll minimize the risks considerably when you take out striking. 0.99

02:45:01.000 I just tell people if you want to fight, that shit should be a solitary thing. 0.97

02:45:05.000 There should be nothing else you want to do in your life. 0.99

02:45:07.000 I don't want to fight and be a best-selling author and be a fighter pilot.

02:45:11.000 So what do you want to do?

02:45:11.000 Do you want to fight?

02:45:12.000 Okay.

02:45:13.000 There's dudes out there that only want to fight.

02:45:14.000 The day I decide that this is something I'm going to do, I'm not going to...

02:45:17.000 Do anything else.

02:45:18.000 I'll train and that'll be it.

02:45:19.000 That'll be my life.

02:45:20.000 You should do painting too.

02:45:21.000 You'd be like Miyamoto Musashi.

02:45:22.000 He was a great samurai who also did a lot of calligraphy and painting.

02:45:25.000 He thought it was important.

02:45:26.000 Write poetry.

02:45:27.000 I mean, the way I throw myself in...

02:45:29.000 When I paint, that's all I do.

02:45:31.000 I throw my...

02:45:31.000 I'm like, this is...

02:45:33.000 You know, there's always going to be someone better than me, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to do the best I can, and there's nothing...

02:45:40.000 Besides painting, that's going to obsess.

02:45:42.000 We had a cool conversation about work last time I was at your place.

02:45:46.000 You go through these spurts sometimes.

02:45:48.000 You just decide to attack and start working.

02:45:51.000 I do that, but also the same way when people are like, I'm an artist.

02:45:56.000 I'm like, this is what I do.

02:45:58.000 Even though I haven't painted for four years, I do something creative every day.

02:46:02.000 If I had to paint for a career like living, Then I don't do the gay, like, oh, I only paint when I'm emotionally, like, moved to do it or when I feel like it. 0.98

02:46:11.000 Like, whether I feel like shit, like it's a real job, I show up every day, every day, repetition, paint a horse, paint it a thousand times, it'll get better. 0.95

02:46:20.000 It's like, it's a real job. 1.00

02:46:22.000 I paint whether my girlfriend dumped me or whether she's sucking my dick or whatever. 1.00

02:46:26.000 Every fucking day, you paint. 1.00

02:46:28.000 No matter what. 1.00

02:46:29.000 No excuse.

02:46:30.000 That's a beautiful statement right there.

02:46:32.000 People should take that and make a video of it. 1.00

02:46:33.000 Don't be fucking gay. 1.00

02:46:35.000 Don't say that, man. 1.00

02:46:36.000 You say that. 0.96

02:46:37.000 Gay as in like, I don't feel like... 0.99

02:46:41.000 I know what you're saying, but you still...

02:46:42.000 You know, I need inspiration. 1.00

02:46:43.000 Fuck your inspiration. 1.00

02:46:44.000 But you shouldn't call it gay. 1.00

02:46:46.000 Okay, you force yourself...

02:46:47.000 Come up with it another way.

02:46:48.000 You force yourself... 0.96

02:46:49.000 Transgender. 1.00

02:46:50.000 Don't call it that either, dick. 1.00

02:46:53.000 Um... 1.00

02:46:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:46:54.000 Well, gay as in glorious and amazing. 0.84

02:46:58.000 I know what you're saying. 0.72

02:47:05.000 I feel where you're coming from.

02:47:07.000 It's a call to arms.

02:47:08.000 Get up and work. 1.00

02:47:09.000 Get your shit done. 0.99

02:47:10.000 And if you're a professional, you do it every day. 1.00

02:47:13.000 And that's how the work gets done.

02:47:14.000 And don't be a wimp. 1.00

02:47:15.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00

02:47:16.000 Don't be weak. 1.00

02:47:16.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00

02:47:17.000 I shouldn't say don't be a pussy. 1.00

02:47:18.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00

02:47:19.000 Pussy is amazing. 1.00

02:47:19.000 It's one of my favorite things. 1.00

02:47:21.000 Yeah, but don't be a pussy. 1.00

02:47:22.000 Why would you? 1.00

02:47:23.000 It would be something amazing. 0.99

02:47:25.000 It would be something I want to lick. 0.99

02:47:26.000 I'd lick myself all day. 1.00

02:47:28.000 It seems wrong to call someone a pussy, and that means he's a bad thing. 1.00

02:47:35.000 I'm not trying to change the language here. 0.99

02:47:36.000 It works. 0.98

02:47:37.000 It's better than fag. 1.00

02:47:39.000 But when they say don't be a pussy, are they talking about like a pussy cat, like a cat? 1.00

02:47:42.000 Is that working? 1.00

02:47:43.000 What are they talking about?

02:47:44.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:47:44.000 Are they talking about the fat fuck Garfield? 1.00

02:47:47.000 Lasagna eating cocksucker. 1.00

02:47:49.000 Gave me irritable bowel syndrome. 0.99

02:47:51.000 But it's like, for success and shit like that, like especially with music or art or something creative, it's like, it's easy to be like, I only feel inspired. 0.99

02:48:00.000 It's like, fuck that. 0.99

02:48:02.000 Repetition. 1.00

02:48:03.000 Put in the time.

02:48:04.000 Discipline.

02:48:06.000 Put in the time.

02:48:07.000 Force yourself.

02:48:08.000 Whether you feel like it or not, that's the way you do it.

02:48:11.000 You're dead right.

02:48:12.000 You're dead right.

02:48:13.000 That applies to comedy.

02:48:15.000 It's training.

02:48:16.000 It applies to comedy.

02:48:17.000 It applies to martial arts.

02:48:18.000 It applies to everything.

02:48:19.000 And that's why when I paint something in two seconds, it's because I've already painted it a thousand times.

02:48:24.000 So...

02:48:26.000 I don't want to be a dick, Joe, but I have to actually run back to the other side of LA, and I have to get a painting done. 0.89

02:48:36.000 Dude, we're out of time anyway.

02:48:37.000 It was a lot of fun, man.

02:48:38.000 You were fired up today.

02:48:39.000 You can tell you've been doing a lot of podcasts.

02:48:41.000 You're a different person. 1.00

02:48:42.000 You've got a lot of shit to say now. 1.00

02:48:44.000 You're an animal, man. 1.00

02:48:45.000 When you get comfortable, you get wound up and you just fucking fire off. 1.00

02:48:48.000 Is this show over? 0.99

02:48:49.000 So the show's over.

02:48:50.000 The show is right now 6-12.

02:48:53.000 Do you just end it whenever you feel like it?

02:48:55.000 We end it whenever we feel like it.

02:48:56.000 We don't have any producers, man.

02:48:58.000 I gotta beat traffic and...

02:49:00.000 Beat that traffic, son.

02:49:01.000 I'm gonna bribe Aubrey Plaza into being my best friend.

02:49:05.000 Who's that?

02:49:05.000 She's the actress from...

02:49:07.000 Are you doing shout-outs right now?

02:49:08.000 No, no, no.

02:49:08.000 Are you giving someone a shout-out?

02:49:09.000 No, I gotta...

02:49:10.000 How dare you?

02:49:11.000 She wants a painting from me and I said, for you to get a painting from me, you gotta be my best friend.

02:49:15.000 Thanks to Stamps.com.

02:49:16.000 Use the code word J-R-E on Stamps.com and save some money.

02:49:20.000 Thanks to Onnit.com.

02:49:21.000 Use the code word Rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:49:26.000 Alright, you freaks. 0.97

02:49:27.000 We'll see you next week.

02:49:27.000 Can I plug my show?

02:49:28.000 Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

02:49:30.000 Everyone, thanks for listening to Joe Rogan's show. 1.00

02:49:32.000 If you like this shit... 1.00

02:49:33.000 Oh, this is my first commercial. 1.00

02:49:35.000 I got a show called Double Vag, Double Anal Sensitive Artist.

02:49:38.000 That's DVDASA.com.

02:49:41.000 Go listen to it.

02:49:42.000 That's my show.

02:49:44.000 DVDASA. And if you guys like the early episodes with Yoshi, he has his own show called Yoshi Didn't.

02:49:49.000 Go listen to that show.

02:49:50.000 And that's all I got to put.

02:49:51.000 Asakira.com.

02:49:52.000 And Asakira, my beautiful co-star.

02:49:54.000 All right, beautiful party people.

02:49:56.000 We'll see you guys next week.

02:49:57.000 Everybody have a good time this weekend.

02:49:58.000 Oh, we'll be Friday night. 0.99

02:49:59.000 We'll be at the Ice House fucking around in that little room. 0.94

02:50:03.000 If you've ever been to the Ice House, there's that little tiny room there. 0.98

02:50:06.000 And I'll be there.

02:50:07.000 Brian, who else is there?

02:50:08.000 We got Fahim, Justin Martindale.

02:50:12.000 Got a couple other people.

02:50:13.000 That place is the lab. 0.94

02:50:14.000 That place is where we do our best fucking around to come up with new material. 0.96

02:50:18.000 It's really small. 0.93

02:50:19.000 It's only like 80 people, and it's a lot of fun.

02:50:22.000 Alright, so that's the Ice House, Friday night.

02:50:25.000 One last plug.

02:50:26.000 Beautiful people.

02:50:27.000 Yeah, go ahead.

02:50:27.000 The date, November 2nd.

02:50:28.000 November 2nd.

02:50:29.000 I don't know what I'm going to do then, but that's the year.

02:50:32.000 Last year, November 2nd, I took over the Reddit.

02:50:35.000 I'm going to maybe do something weird like that again.

02:50:37.000 So just don't know what I'm going to do yet.

02:50:38.000 So you're giving out a pay attention to me November 2nd ticket.

02:50:43.000 Something crazy.

02:50:44.000 Alright, party people.

02:50:45.000 Thanks everybody.

02:50:46.000 Love you.

02:50:46.000 See you soon.

02:50:47.000 Bye bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 13, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #392 - David Choe

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript