The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #400 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz, Duncan Trussell

00:00:02.000 I feel like if we were allowed to use music, we're not totally, but if we would, I would go with The Doors, Riders on the Storm right now.

00:00:12.000 Riders on the Storm.

00:00:14.000 You know what?

00:00:16.000 Riders on the Storm.

00:00:19.000 I don't think you can even sing it.

00:00:21.000 Really?

00:00:22.000 Okay, I'll stop.

00:00:23.000 I'm just kidding. 0.96

00:00:25.000 They're all dead. 1.00

00:00:25.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:00:26.000 They're not all dead. 1.00

00:00:27.000 I think there's one still floating around out there.

00:00:29.000 The big guy dropped off at 27. This episode, this 400th episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by LegalZoom.com.

00:00:39.000 If you have anything that you need to get done a legal style, like whether you want to incorporate and become an LLC... Which is a limited legal corporation or some shit. 0.69

00:00:52.000 I don't know what the fuck that actually stands for. 0.97

00:00:55.000 If you want to get a will, if you want to even get divorced, bam, you can get divorced on LegalZoom.com. 0.97

00:01:03.000 Essentially what it does is it sets up a structure so that you can do things, things like incorporating yourself or working on copyrights or trademarks, and do it legally without the use of an attorney.

00:01:15.000 They also will provide you with a contact for an independent attorney if you need additional guidance.

00:01:21.000 So if you feel like you're entering into this, you're like, maybe I can do this. 1.00

00:01:25.000 And then halfway through, you're like, shit! 1.00

00:01:27.000 They'll help you out. 0.99

00:01:28.000 So it's not scary.

00:01:30.000 But you're going to be able to do it.

00:01:31.000 You know how I know you're going to be able to do it?

00:01:33.000 Brian did it.

00:01:34.000 Okay?

00:01:35.000 I want you to think about that.

00:01:36.000 I did a drunk at four in the morning.

00:01:38.000 I don't even remember doing it.

00:01:39.000 That's not to say that Brian might not be going to jail next week for that very same series of clicks.

00:01:46.000 He shouldn't be responsible.

00:01:47.000 He was drinking.

00:01:48.000 You should be able to sue the alcohol companies for that.

00:01:50.000 Whichever ones were responsible.

00:01:52.000 Legal Zoom should have a breathalyzer.

00:01:53.000 LegalZoom is not a law firm.

00:01:55.000 What they do is they provide self-help services at your specific direction.

00:02:00.000 It's pretty simple stuff, though.

00:02:03.000 It's very clear to follow, and it can save you a lot of money.

00:02:08.000 And it can also save you a lot of time. 1.00

00:02:10.000 And you can do it in your fucking house. 1.00

00:02:12.000 You don't have to go somewhere. 1.00

00:02:14.000 You can do it naked.

00:02:16.000 Nobody can stop you.

00:02:18.000 Nobody can stop you, Joe Diaz.

00:02:21.000 Nobody.

00:02:22.000 Do you understand this? 1.00

00:02:23.000 So, if you have an idea for a business that you haven't done anything about, you can incorporate that shit online. 0.99

00:02:28.000 The online process couldn't be easier. 0.99

00:02:30.000 Go to LegalZoom.com.

00:02:31.000 If you enter the code name ROGAN, you'll save yourself some cash. 0.99

00:02:34.000 Alright, you fucks? 0.99

00:02:35.000 We're also brought to you by Stamps.com. 0.99

00:02:39.000 Stamps.com is the official delivery system for the deskwad.tv t-shirts. 0.93

00:02:44.000 So if you see those t-shirts that Brian has made and designed, all of those bitches get delivered through Stamps.com. 1.00

00:02:51.000 So we know this is a real, legit product. 0.92

00:02:54.000 And what Stamps.com does...

00:02:56.000 I should say that clearly.

00:02:58.000 Stamps.com does. 0.66

00:02:59.000 What they do is they allow you, if you're selling shit from your house, they allow you to do all the weighing and packaging at home.

00:03:06.000 Then you can print up your own actual postal information. 0.94

00:03:10.000 Joey Diaz, you're talking in the background like I hear you.

00:03:13.000 What are you guys arguing over?

00:03:14.000 Nothing. 0.98

00:03:15.000 Duncan, are you distracting him in the middle of the fucking all-important commercials? 0.99

00:03:18.000 How dare you? 0.98

00:03:19.000 I don't mean to get in the way of capitalism.

00:03:21.000 You're so non-corporate, man.

00:03:23.000 You can't even help yourself.

00:03:24.000 You do it almost against your own will.

00:03:27.000 Fight the power, man!

00:03:29.000 There's a government shutdown going on right now, Joe.

00:03:31.000 It's not time to advertise.

00:03:33.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:03:34.000 Stamps.com is a great way to send out kitty cat t-shirts.

00:03:37.000 That's my point.

00:03:38.000 You don't have to go to the post office and weigh everything out.

00:03:42.000 You do it at home.

00:03:43.000 They provide you with a scale.

00:03:45.000 If you enter in the code word JRE, they give you a sweet offer.

00:03:49.000 No risk trial.

00:03:50.000 $110 bonus offer.

00:03:51.000 Includes a digital scale enough to $55 free postage.

00:03:55.000 So go and check it out.

00:03:57.000 Use the code word JRE and get your $110 bonus offer.

00:04:01.000 We know it works because Brian uses it so much better than going to the post office and having to weigh all your shit out and talk to people that don't want to talk to you.

00:04:09.000 So Stamps.com. 0.97

00:04:10.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:04:13.000 Did I say you have to use the code word JRE? Yes.

00:04:16.000 Yes.

00:04:17.000 Code word JRA for stamps.com.

00:04:19.000 Yeah, you're right, folks. 1.00

00:04:20.000 You're like, what the fuck? 0.92

00:04:20.000 If I want to use these things, why don't you have the same code word? 0.92

00:04:23.000 You're right.

00:04:24.000 We've thought about this a million times before.

00:04:26.000 However, it's probably never going to happen, so deal with it.

00:04:29.000 It's very weird that it's not, though.

00:04:31.000 It all should be the code word Rogan.

00:04:33.000 Yeah, why mix it up?

00:04:35.000 I don't know. 0.96

00:04:36.000 People get silly.

00:04:37.000 I don't understand people, Brian. 0.95

00:04:39.000 I try.

00:04:40.000 I don't understand myself, though. 0.99

00:04:42.000 So what the fuck? 0.98

00:04:43.000 Anyway, Stamps.com, code words J-R-E. We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. 0.99

00:04:47.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN. You will save 10% off any and all supplements, including Alpha Brain, which Joey Diaz is on right now.

00:04:56.000 He's jacked up on Alpha Brain.

00:04:58.000 How do you know?

00:04:59.000 Smell it in the air. 0.99

00:05:00.000 Can I have some brains? 0.94

00:05:02.000 Can I have some brains? 1.00

00:05:06.000 You do get jacked on that shit. 1.00

00:05:07.000 I gotta charge up. 1.00

00:05:08.000 Damn. 0.99

00:05:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:10.000 Here we go.

00:05:11.000 Running out of them.

00:05:12.000 Especially when you mix it with a sativa or an edible. 0.99

00:05:15.000 It takes you to a different fucking level of jack. 0.99

00:05:17.000 I go through those things like crackers. 0.99

00:05:18.000 I can't keep a bottle in the house.

00:05:20.000 It's gone in two days.

00:05:21.000 And I feel bad calling the kid, but...

00:05:23.000 No, no, no.

00:05:23.000 Don't feel bad.

00:05:24.000 We love you using it.

00:05:25.000 We love it. 0.98

00:05:26.000 I feel fucking bad. 0.89

00:05:27.000 Me too. 0.98

00:05:27.000 I got the daily packages left, though. 0.98

00:05:29.000 Those are delicious, too, so... 0.91

00:05:33.000 For all the people that call bullshit on anything like AlphaBrain, just try it.

00:05:36.000 The way we have it set up is so easy. 0.81

00:05:38.000 Or don't try it.

00:05:39.000 That's cool, too.

00:05:39.000 But if you want to try it, there's a 90-day, 30-pill money-back guarantee.

00:05:44.000 When you buy one of these bottles, one of these bottles of 30 pills, all you have to do is say, this stuff sucks, and you get your money back.

00:05:52.000 You don't have to return the product.

00:05:53.000 No one's selling you anything that's bogus.

00:05:55.000 All we're trying to sell you is the best supplements that we can find that we can sell.

00:06:00.000 Whether it's the best protein power or the best strength and conditioning equipment, it's all we're interested in doing.

00:06:06.000 I want the stuff that I use. 0.88

00:06:08.000 I'm a big proponent of kettlebells and all this other shit like battle ropes and club bells.

00:06:13.000 They're awesome.

00:06:14.000 I use them all.

00:06:15.000 Shroom tech.

00:06:16.000 I'm hooked on it.

00:06:17.000 Addicted by peanut butter.

00:06:18.000 I love shroom tech.

00:06:20.000 Shroom Tech is a cordyceps mushroom supplement that gives you more endurance.

00:06:24.000 It gives you more juice.

00:06:25.000 It's what the Chinese Olympic team used. 0.96

00:06:27.000 They found out about it when China started kicking ass in the Olympics and track and field. 0.99

00:06:32.000 They were like, what the fuck is going on here? 0.99

00:06:34.000 They found out they were taking this cordyceps mushroom and adding it to their training. 0.98

00:06:37.000 Yeah, that was when it was first discovered.

00:06:39.000 When are you supposed to take it?

00:06:40.000 Like, before you work out?

00:06:42.000 Yeah, take like an hour before you work out.

00:06:44.000 Use the code name ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:06:48.000 And like I said, we've got a full array of everything.

00:06:50.000 From health and fitness supplements to strength and conditioning equipment.

00:06:56.000 We even sell, like, blenders.

00:06:57.000 We just sell, like, when I used to make kale shakes and smoothies, one of those Blendtec blenders, you could stick an iPhone in it. 0.99

00:07:04.000 We're like, fuck it, we'll sell it. 0.99

00:07:05.000 We should sell it. 1.00

00:07:06.000 It's the shit. 1.00

00:07:07.000 So that's it. 0.99

00:07:07.000 Go to honor.com, use the code WORDROGAN, and save yourself 10%. 0.99

00:07:11.000 Alright, folks, this is the 400th one.

00:07:13.000 This is a big one.

00:07:14.000 Congratulations. 0.99

00:07:15.000 This is a goddamn milestone. 1.00

00:07:16.000 Congratulations. 0.99

00:07:17.000 Joey Diaz, Duncan Trussell, Brian Redman.

00:07:19.000 Cue the music.

00:07:20.000 400. Even I love Lucy and got 400 fucking episodes. 0.99

00:07:25.000 The Joe Rogan Experience. 0.99

00:07:32.000 I love Lucy.

00:07:34.000 How many episodes of I Love Lucy? 0.99

00:07:36.000 You can sit there for fucking two years and not watch I Love... 0.98

00:07:39.000 He has a kid, they go to Panama, they meet Superman, he puts the fingerprint... 0.99

00:07:43.000 How many fucking I Love Lucy's? 1.00

00:07:45.000 Real quick, not to throw you off. 0.99

00:07:47.000 How?

00:07:47.000 I only take three shroom texts because one time I took like five dogs and I couldn't control myself.

00:07:53.000 Really?

00:07:54.000 Like, when I started doing the shroom tech, I would go to the epileptical and I could only do seven to nine.

00:07:59.000 The epileptical?

00:08:00.000 I could only do seven to nine minutes.

00:08:04.000 Yeah.

00:08:04.000 And I would start getting stressed out.

00:08:06.000 Now, with the shroom tech, I could do 45 and that's because I get scared.

00:08:10.000 I get off.

00:08:11.000 I hit the bag before I get on the epileptical now.

00:08:13.000 Yeah.

00:08:14.000 For 30. So that's how much...

00:08:16.000 You know, I've been working on it for fucking five months. 0.99

00:08:19.000 Right. 0.96

00:08:19.000 But the shroom tech, you're supposed to take them towards body weight, correct? 0.96

00:08:23.000 Yes.

00:08:24.000 You know, and I don't even know how to do the math on that.

00:08:27.000 So I just take three of them just to be safe.

00:08:29.000 Right. 0.99

00:08:29.000 But they're fucking, I'm telling you, man, I like them. 0.99

00:08:32.000 Yeah, I took five. 1.00

00:08:33.000 That's the biggest thing.

00:08:34.000 You take five.

00:08:35.000 I take five of those before I work out.

00:08:36.000 That's crazy.

00:08:37.000 It's just a lot of B12, a lot of B12, and a lot of Cordyceps mushroom.

00:08:40.000 And, you know, there's nothing bad for you.

00:08:42.000 I've never had a bad experience from taking five.

00:08:45.000 I wouldn't advise people to take five.

00:08:46.000 I would say cut it off at two.

00:08:48.000 I'd take three. 0.90

00:08:49.000 I'd get gangster with them.

00:08:50.000 I found all these football players were getting gangster with it.

00:08:52.000 They take like five alpha brains and six room techs, and I was like, these guys are gigantic.

00:08:56.000 So I'm like, I'll try five.

00:08:58.000 Let's see what five is like.

00:08:59.000 But doesn't that follow that same rule that guy told you, like, don't take too much of, you know, like, boner pills or something like that?

00:09:04.000 Yeah, well, it's really, I would say yes.

00:09:07.000 But it's really, it's all natural.

00:09:09.000 It's nothing like radicals happening to your body.

00:09:11.000 It's not a stimulant.

00:09:12.000 It's not like, I wouldn't worry about it.

00:09:14.000 I wouldn't take more than five.

00:09:16.000 You know what's going to happen because of this?

00:09:17.000 You're going to be watching CNN.com and you're going to hear about some psychopath wandering into D.C. with a shotgun and then pictures of Alpha Brain are going to start flashing up.

00:09:28.000 He had 700 bottles in the backseat of his car.

00:09:32.000 Please, he would be enlightened.

00:09:33.000 He wouldn't be going with a gun.

00:09:34.000 He would be going with hugs. 0.98

00:09:36.000 He'd try to hug him, and they'd shoot him. 0.99

00:09:38.000 Yeah, that gets you killed faster than guns.

00:09:40.000 She was suffering from postpartum, and she was driving around.

00:09:45.000 She was on some sort of medication.

00:09:47.000 Yeah.

00:09:48.000 Driving around the White House, and she got in a gunfight with the Popo.

00:09:52.000 They wound up killing her. 0.51

00:09:53.000 She had a baby in her car.

00:09:55.000 I mean, it's so crazy.

00:09:56.000 Every time I see stuff like that, I think, man, I wish you could do that in Grand Theft Auto.

00:10:01.000 It's like, you can't drive kids around.

00:10:03.000 If you notice that, there's no kids in Grand Theft Auto.

00:10:06.000 Not a single kid.

00:10:07.000 Why would you want to drive little fake kids around? 0.92

00:10:10.000 Why not?

00:10:11.000 I want it to be realistic.

00:10:12.000 Drop them off at school, drive them off cliffs. 0.98

00:10:18.000 You can kill dogs in it, though. 0.93

00:10:20.000 Yeah, that's where we draw the line. 0.91

00:10:21.000 You can't have fake killing of babies.

00:10:23.000 You can't do it.

00:10:23.000 If you encourage that in any way, shape, or form, and then it somehow becomes a reality, like someone decides to make sport of killing babies because it's a part of a video game, it's going to be a real problem.

00:10:34.000 How fucking crazy is this happening now every three weeks, people? 0.93

00:10:37.000 It's pretty crazy. 0.97

00:10:39.000 This is not even a joke no more.

00:10:41.000 It's happening every three weeks.

00:10:43.000 And you know what?

00:10:44.000 It's gonna happen around here. 1.00

00:10:45.000 At a fucking park. 1.00

00:10:47.000 At a stupid basketball game. 1.00

00:10:49.000 At a fucking taco place. 1.00

00:10:51.000 There's a lot of issues. 1.00

00:10:53.000 A lot of issues. 1.00

00:10:54.000 There's a lot of fucking issues. 0.99

00:10:54.000 And I'm sitting there going, you know, is this a setup? 0.99

00:10:57.000 Is somebody hanging out outside a fucking psychiatrist's office? 1.00

00:11:01.000 When they see some fucking guy come out, they give him a gun and $20 and say, I mean, what the fuck is going on? 1.00

00:11:06.000 I don't think that. 1.00

00:11:08.000 I don't know what to think.

00:11:09.000 I think it's natural.

00:11:11.000 Really?

00:11:12.000 When you grow up with kids, it was this natural?

00:11:15.000 No, I'm not saying that.

00:11:16.000 I'm saying it's natural when you get this many people that are on, first of all, on drugs.

00:11:21.000 You have a massive amount of people in this country that are on all sorts of drugs.

00:11:25.000 Whether they need them or not, the reality is the amount of people that are on prescription medication is very high.

00:11:31.000 Then you're going to have natural amounts of mental illness.

00:11:34.000 When you have a high population, you have higher amounts of mental illness.

00:11:38.000 They've shown this in rat population density studies apparently.

00:11:41.000 I was listening to this podcast about it.

00:11:43.000 I think it was Psychedelic Salon where McKenna was talking.

00:11:47.000 I forget.

00:11:48.000 Might have been Art Bell, either way.

00:11:51.000 They were talking about rat population density studies.

00:11:53.000 They did the same thing with rats, where they started them small, put like 100 rats in a room together, or 10 rats or whatever, and they just kept ramping it up until they were on top of each other.

00:12:05.000 And when they're on top of each other, they started exhibiting the same sort of mental illnesses that you see in people.

00:12:10.000 Like they stand in the corner and would just shake and rock back and forth.

00:12:13.000 They couldn't handle it.

00:12:14.000 You start to see all sorts of weird aberrant behavior.

00:12:17.000 And they think it's from the overstimulation.

00:12:19.000 Because when you get to a population density like that, it's very difficult for the human body to tolerate.

00:12:25.000 It's very difficult for the human body to deal with...

00:12:30.000 We're good to go.

00:12:53.000 And then just the stress of life, period.

00:12:55.000 Being unemployed.

00:12:55.000 All that together.

00:12:56.000 Being unemployed.

00:12:57.000 Financial stuff.

00:12:58.000 Boom.

00:12:59.000 Powder keg.

00:13:00.000 But isn't this stuff happening mostly in the United States and other overpopulated countries?

00:13:04.000 You don't hear about this.

00:13:06.000 These massacres happening.

00:13:07.000 You do about some.

00:13:08.000 The one in Finland where the guy murdered those kids.

00:13:10.000 That's right.

00:13:11.000 There was the guy in Finland.

00:13:12.000 Was that in Finland or Iceland?

00:13:14.000 I think it was Finland.

00:13:16.000 The big one was in San Diego when the kid went into McDonald's.

00:13:20.000 Yeah.

00:13:20.000 Remember the kids?

00:13:21.000 That was the big one.

00:13:22.000 That's it.

00:13:22.000 You went home and there was a special eyewitness news report.

00:13:26.000 They were in San Diego and the guy had a shotgun.

00:13:31.000 Now it seems like you expect it.

00:13:33.000 It's a daily occurrence now.

00:13:35.000 Some are worse than others.

00:13:36.000 There's a lot of people out there that feel disenfranchised.

00:13:39.000 There's a lot of people out there that don't feel like they can make a dent in this world unless they do something really bad.

00:13:49.000 There's people out there that feel like to get notice and to get people to recognize them, they can do that if they do something really bad.

00:13:56.000 I think it's a love famine.

00:13:59.000 I think people are starving for love.

00:14:01.000 People in the United States don't express love in a normal way.

00:14:05.000 It's a really weird thing.

00:14:08.000 You might be around friends or even just talking to your brother or something and you have this impulse where you want to say, I love you, man.

00:14:16.000 I love you.

00:14:16.000 But you don't do it.

00:14:18.000 There's a thing that triggers in you where you feel, I'm not going to say that.

00:14:22.000 I'm going to say I'm weak.

00:14:23.000 And I think that's what it is.

00:14:24.000 I think people are just...

00:14:25.000 So turned around backwards as to the flow of nature, the flow of life, that they're sort of malfunctioning because of that.

00:14:37.000 Yeah, there could be that for sure.

00:14:39.000 There's also this weird transitionary period the human race is going into as we get more and more information on a daily basis from the internet. 0.99

00:14:47.000 It's more and more obvious that the world we live in is fucked. 0.99

00:14:51.000 It's like the system's terrible. 0.98

00:14:53.000 We know that we can operate as individuals and we can be really friendly with each other.

00:14:57.000 You know, we can.

00:14:58.000 The people in this room can.

00:14:59.000 We can party.

00:15:00.000 We can live together.

00:15:02.000 If it was just us on the planet and we were the only people that we interacted with, we'd have a great time. 0.98

00:15:06.000 So why is it that when you get massive amounts of people, all of a sudden there's all this death and there's all this fucking fighting and there's all this chaos and there's all this lawsuits and bullshit and... 0.98

00:15:19.000 What is it? 0.98

00:15:20.000 What is it about numbers? 1.00

00:15:22.000 Sounds like the fucking Kardashians. 1.00

00:15:24.000 Here's the other thing. 0.99

00:15:26.000 Two people can have a life now, like you and Duncan can own a business, do you know that?

00:15:31.000 And not even talk to each other.

00:15:33.000 You can live in your home and Duncan can live in your home.

00:15:35.000 You don't have to talk to each other.

00:15:37.000 I'm very insecure.

00:15:38.000 Why do I don't like texting?

00:15:41.000 I'm insecure.

00:15:42.000 I want to hear you.

00:15:43.000 Oh, you want to hear the person's voice.

00:15:45.000 I want to hear you.

00:15:46.000 Don't text me.

00:15:47.000 And you don't want even voicemail messages either because you want to communicate.

00:15:50.000 I want to talk to you.

00:15:51.000 I'm old school because I don't want to ever lose that.

00:15:54.000 I don't know how to say the word.

00:15:57.000 We're disenfranchising ourselves from ourselves.

00:16:00.000 Yeah.

00:16:01.000 And that some people can handle it and some people can't.

00:16:04.000 I can't handle it. 0.99

00:16:05.000 You know, I was fucking 30 when I was 20. So I'm an old soul. 0.98

00:16:10.000 I like it.

00:16:11.000 I like the contact.

00:16:13.000 For me, I need to hear your voice.

00:16:14.000 Want to hear one of the all-time best douchebag actor stories?

00:16:17.000 Yes. 0.94

00:16:17.000 I'm at a restaurant once, and this douchebag actor is there. 0.94

00:16:21.000 And he's by himself eating, and I think he's crazy. 0.97

00:16:23.000 And he starts talking to a couple that's near them.

00:16:27.000 Like, they're sitting by themselves on a date.

00:16:30.000 And, you know, he's fairly famous.

00:16:32.000 So he starts talking to them.

00:16:33.000 Like, how long have you two been together?

00:16:36.000 You know, and they don't know what to do, but they kind of recognize them, so it's kind of weird.

00:16:41.000 So they kind of are stuck in this thing where they have to talk to the guy.

00:16:44.000 And then I'm watching this play out, and he's talking to them.

00:16:48.000 He tells the woman that she's an old soul.

00:16:52.000 He told her, you seem like an old soul.

00:16:56.000 You really seem like an old soul.

00:16:58.000 You guys really, I sense something with you two.

00:17:01.000 Like, this is an amazing relationship, isn't it?

00:17:03.000 It was so fucking strange. 0.94

00:17:07.000 And I was like, get me out of this town! 0.99

00:17:11.000 Get me out of here, you people! 1.00

00:17:13.000 With your fucking emotional support dogs! 1.00

00:17:17.000 I told you about that shit. 1.00

00:17:18.000 No, I see a guy bigger than me get on a plane with a French poodle. 1.00

00:17:22.000 I was cracked right there.

00:17:24.000 Bigger than me! 1.00

00:17:25.000 400, 480, not 500, with a fucking French poodle. 1.00

00:17:29.000 Go ahead, I'm sorry to interrupt. 1.00

00:17:30.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

00:17:32.000 Just don't even get me started on that fucking issue. 0.98

00:17:34.000 LA, people have figured out that there's a workaround to this Americans with Disabilities Act. 0.99

00:17:40.000 Yes.

00:17:40.000 And you can say that your dog provides you with emotional support.

00:17:45.000 And you can be like a regular person. 1.00

00:17:47.000 And you can go into a restaurant with a fucking Labrador. 1.00

00:17:50.000 See, this is a thing I gotta confess. 0.99

00:17:54.000 When I was with Natasha, we realized this trick, that you can put a red vest on the dog with a little cross on it.

00:18:01.000 You can order them on the internet.

00:18:03.000 And legally, people can't ask you what your disability is.

00:18:07.000 So it's like, because when you see somebody with a chihuahua, it might cross your mind to think, how is this thing going to help them if they start having a seizure?

00:18:15.000 Like, what's it really going to do?

00:18:17.000 It's going to let you know he's dead.

00:18:18.000 Park, park!

00:18:20.000 Bark, bark, bark! 0.85

00:18:20.000 So, like, we started saying that we were doing that, and then, man, got some emails from people who are disabled, and they're like, You have to understand, I have to have this dog. 0.85

00:18:33.000 Like, it's trained to either guide me, it's trained to, like, help me if I have a seizure, and every time you assholes put one of those fake vests on a fucking dog so that you can go and eat in a nice restaurant with it, you're making it that much more difficult for me to do it, 0.97

00:18:50.000 because people are getting increasingly suspicious and increasingly suspicious, where they used to not be at all. 1.00

00:18:55.000 So just leave your fucking dog at home if you want to go eat pasta. 0.99

00:18:59.000 Don't gum up the gear. 1.00

00:19:00.000 Don't get in the way of people who are actually fucking sick. 1.00

00:19:03.000 Yeah, you cunts. 1.00

00:19:04.000 You cunts. 1.00

00:19:05.000 I was one of those cunts. 1.00

00:19:09.000 In Columbus, Ohio, Christina Paziski and Tom Segura brought their dog using the same thing. 1.00

00:19:14.000 See, that shit is so ridiculous. 1.00

00:19:16.000 People with dogs think that just because they love their dogs, that dirty, stinky, open-ass animal can just be allowed. 1.00

00:19:23.000 It is not open-ass. 0.99

00:19:24.000 Yes, it is. 1.00

00:19:25.000 They're rubbing their little asses on chairs and that ass on the chair could have worms in it and the microscopic worms could get in my hand. 1.00

00:19:33.000 And I could get worms. 1.00

00:19:35.000 That's real.

00:19:36.000 It's a dog, man. 1.00

00:19:37.000 It's a fucking dog. 1.00

00:19:38.000 It's creepy enough that people drop silverware on the floor and pick it up and still use it. 1.00

00:19:42.000 Yes. 1.00

00:19:43.000 Like you're going to wipe off with a napkin all the fucking shit eggs that are stuck to the bottom of your shell. 1.00

00:19:48.000 My dog's shit eggs are clean. 1.00

00:19:50.000 Dude... 1.00

00:19:51.000 I love dogs.

00:19:52.000 You know I do.

00:19:53.000 I've always had dogs.

00:19:55.000 But bringing dogs to a restaurant is a massive douchebag move. 1.00

00:19:59.000 How about on a fucking plane? 1.00

00:20:00.000 It's just as bad. 1.00

00:20:01.000 How about on a plane when you sit next to somebody with a fucking dog? 0.99

00:20:04.000 Listen, I love animals too, but I don't expect somebody else to like them. 1.00

00:20:07.000 I'm old school. 0.99

00:20:07.000 You want to listen to music, put your fucking earphones on, and I'll put mine on. 0.99

00:20:11.000 You have to hear each other's shit. 1.00

00:20:13.000 You might like something different. 1.00

00:20:14.000 So I'm the same way. 0.96

00:20:15.000 I feel like if I was to walk into somebody's space with a dog they didn't even know, I'd be fucking feeling weird. 0.93

00:20:23.000 Yeah. 0.84

00:20:24.000 I don't know.

00:20:24.000 That's just how I was built up.

00:20:26.000 Like, I'm taking, I'm wasting your fucking time. 1.00

00:20:29.000 And there's people who think they could do that shit on fire. 1.00

00:20:31.000 And I know it guides you from emotional support, but so does a pop brownie. 0.99

00:20:37.000 You eat a little half of a pot brownie, you go to a restaurant, you're okay. 0.99

00:20:40.000 You can leave the fucking dog in the car with the air on. 0.99

00:20:43.000 Some people can't leave the dog anywhere. 1.00

00:20:45.000 They want that dog with them all the time. 1.00

00:20:47.000 I love my cats.

00:20:48.000 I worry about earthquakes.

00:20:49.000 Most people who ate...

00:20:51.000 If people ate pot brownies like you eat pot brownies...

00:20:55.000 And went into restaurants, they would need emotional support.

00:20:59.000 No, no, no.

00:21:00.000 I'm talking about...

00:21:01.000 I've had conversations with people that do not smoke marijuana.

00:21:04.000 They're not potheads.

00:21:05.000 They eat brownies.

00:21:06.000 And they've given up.

00:21:07.000 They eat little pieces of brownies.

00:21:09.000 They'll buy like a 100 milligram brownie on Monday at Divine Wellness.

00:21:12.000 And it lasts for four days.

00:21:14.000 And they drive to Warner Brothers and they communicate with people. 1.00

00:21:17.000 And they threw away their fucking pills. 1.00

00:21:19.000 Wow. 1.00

00:21:20.000 Okay?

00:21:21.000 I know.

00:21:22.000 What pills were they on? 1.00

00:21:23.000 You know, the shit that they give you when you go to the doctor and tell them that you hear voices. 1.00

00:21:27.000 Whatever the fuck they give you. 1.00

00:21:28.000 Whatever they give you, Joe Adderall. 1.00

00:21:32.000 I think they give you Adderall.

00:21:33.000 I'm so sorry.

00:21:34.000 Whatever.

00:21:35.000 I'm sorry, guys.

00:21:35.000 I don't know.

00:21:36.000 It's not my will.

00:21:37.000 I know what you're saying, though.

00:21:39.000 That's how I meant it.

00:21:40.000 I didn't mean it in a funny way.

00:21:42.000 It's real tricky to decide what medication is right for anybody.

00:21:47.000 I think it's real tricky to try to figure out how another person's mind works.

00:21:51.000 And that seems to be the issue that they have when they're prescribing those medications in the first place.

00:21:55.000 When our friend was on them, I think one of the things that came up was that they had to constantly change his dose and give him different stuff.

00:22:02.000 And they were like, try this.

00:22:03.000 Tell me how you feel on this.

00:22:05.000 It's that simple.

00:22:06.000 They give you stuff to try.

00:22:08.000 And you're like, well, I guess I feel good.

00:22:09.000 Okay.

00:22:10.000 You think that's a good dose?

00:22:11.000 And you're like, well, I feel pretty good.

00:22:13.000 You know, everything seems pretty good today.

00:22:15.000 Like, okay, we're going to keep you at that dose. 0.98

00:22:17.000 And when they start doing shit like that, it becomes very subjective. 0.97

00:22:21.000 Why does this one work really good on you and that one work really good on him? 0.98

00:22:26.000 I was on Zoloft when I was in college.

00:22:28.000 Why were you on it?

00:22:29.000 I got depressed.

00:22:30.000 Wow.

00:22:30.000 What was getting you depressed?

00:22:34.000 You know, I don't know.

00:22:36.000 I'm not really sure that I completely figured it out, but I don't know.

00:22:41.000 How long were you on it for?

00:22:42.000 I was on it for probably six months. 0.91

00:22:47.000 And I couldn't cum.

00:22:49.000 It made it so that I couldn't cum anymore. 0.96

00:22:51.000 I could get it up, but I couldn't ejaculate. 0.96

00:22:55.000 Sounds awesome. 0.95

00:22:56.000 I couldn't have any orgasms.

00:22:57.000 That's Brian's favorite new drug.

00:22:58.000 I know.

00:22:58.000 What's it called?

00:22:59.000 Zola?

00:22:59.000 Zola!

00:23:00.000 It's also really bad for your brain though, dude.

00:23:02.000 Especially if you're not supposed to be on it.

00:23:04.000 Well, you know what it did?

00:23:05.000 What it did was it did produce this...

00:23:09.000 Feeling that I now associate with when I'm being really healthy like when I'm Meditating a lot or exercising regularly eating right or when I get all my ducks in a row this nice clear Tranquility will generally come over things that I'm not my mind isn't reactive when any weird shitty thing happens It's like you just are sort of at this nice tranquil level it kind of kind of reproduce that and At the cost of not being able to have orgasms.

00:23:38.000 And then I just stopped taking it and went out in the woods because I was working in the summer camp. 0.99

00:23:44.000 Went out in the woods for a shot load like a donkey with a cattle prod up his ass. 0.99

00:23:52.000 First time coming after how long? 1.00

00:23:55.000 God, I don't know, man.

00:23:56.000 It was a while.

00:23:57.000 It's not like I couldn't come.

00:23:59.000 It's just like it took forever. 0.99

00:24:01.000 If you've ever taken a narcotic and tried to jerk off, it's like that. 0.96

00:24:05.000 It just doesn't happen. 0.98

00:24:06.000 It's like that.

00:24:08.000 But you can do it if you really apply yourself and work really hard.

00:24:12.000 You can squeeze some jizz out of things.

00:24:15.000 After it's over, does it feel like you accomplished something? 1.00

00:24:17.000 Yeah, it feels like you put your cock in a pencil sharpener. 1.00

00:24:24.000 Because you've been jerking off for an hour straight. 1.00

00:24:28.000 At two points in my life, I've jerked off to the point where I had a blister on my dick. 1.00

00:24:32.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99

00:24:33.000 An actual, like a blister?

00:24:35.000 Yeah.

00:24:35.000 No, like a red spot where I wore through the skin.

00:24:39.000 I had one of those.

00:24:39.000 Fuck.

00:24:40.000 Twice. 1.00

00:24:41.000 Some dry jacking.

00:24:42.000 Are you serious?

00:24:44.000 On two separate occasions in my life, I did that. 1.00

00:24:46.000 That's how stupid I am. 1.00

00:24:48.000 Beat off to my dick. 1.00

00:24:49.000 Try jacking! 1.00

00:24:51.000 When you're young, especially when you're young and single, especially if you're trying to stay single, like you're trying to be focused in your career.

00:24:58.000 It was when I was very young.

00:24:59.000 When you're trying to be focused in your career, the last thing you want to do is be thinking about sex.

00:25:03.000 And just, for me, my solution was just beat off on the reg.

00:25:07.000 And then it becomes an addiction, really. 0.99

00:25:10.000 That should be in the Constitution, where before politicians make big decisions, they have to masturbate. 1.00

00:25:17.000 I bet this shutdown wouldn't happen. 0.89

00:25:19.000 Yeah. 0.92

00:25:20.000 If, like, Boehner and Obama had to jerk off before they decided to do whatever they were going to do.

00:25:25.000 There would definitely be less tense.

00:25:27.000 Is it still shut down?

00:25:28.000 It's still shut down.

00:25:29.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:25:29.000 I got about 22 fucking hate emails the other day when I went out there and I had to work out on the way home. 0.98

00:25:35.000 It was 20 to 10, and I saw the weed store open. 0.99

00:25:38.000 I go, let me go in there.

00:25:39.000 And on the way home, it dawned on me that it's 20 to 10. And the weed store is still open.

00:25:45.000 The way I worded it was the government shut down.

00:25:47.000 And the weed store is still open.

00:25:49.000 And the weed store is still open.

00:25:51.000 And will be for the next two hours. 1.00

00:25:53.000 Fuck and I got hate mail. 1.00

00:25:55.000 Fuck you, you fat fucker. 1.00

00:25:56.000 Why is that bad? 1.00

00:25:57.000 Why would you get hate mail from that?

00:25:58.000 Because people were like, you don't understand what's going on with the government.

00:26:01.000 This is bad.

00:26:02.000 This is all because of Obama. 1.00

00:26:03.000 Guys, it's a fucking tweet. 1.00

00:26:05.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:26:06.000 What's wrong with you?

00:26:07.000 This is why it shut down.

00:26:08.000 Because I don't know.

00:26:10.000 Yeah, don't get mad at Joey Diaz for stating the obvious.

00:26:13.000 Can you believe that? 1.00

00:26:15.000 Because every time there's a stupid article or something on Twitter and on the media, we get fucking Twitter from people across the country like haters. 1.00

00:26:24.000 Hey man, they're going to shut the fucking stores down. 1.00

00:26:27.000 What are you going to do then? 1.00

00:26:28.000 No more. 0.99

00:26:28.000 And all of a sudden, these fucking stores are still rocking and rolling. 0.99

00:26:33.000 Denver is rocking and rolling. 1.00

00:26:35.000 I was in Portland last week and those motherfuckers don't know what it is not to smoke. 1.00

00:26:39.000 You know, those fucking savages up there, they walk around with pot trees and shit and knapsacks. 1.00

00:26:45.000 I mean, that's it. 1.00

00:26:46.000 They have no idea.

00:26:47.000 So, all of a sudden, the government shut down because they got no Gitas. 1.00

00:26:51.000 But these fucking states got so much Gitas and taxes. 0.99

00:26:54.000 I think California's broke, but at least they're generating. 1.00

00:26:57.000 Let's look up the fucking numbers, people. 0.99

00:26:59.000 What's Denver generating? 1.00

00:27:00.000 What's Denver?

00:27:01.000 Did you see that 60-minute show?

00:27:02.000 Well, what they're saying is that it literally is going to turn the economy around.

00:27:06.000 Around!

00:27:07.000 This is it!

00:27:07.000 Completely.

00:27:08.000 Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. 0.95

00:27:10.000 And these dummies, these, by the way, who are the same dummies who are anti-drugs, it's almost like secretly they want drugs to be legal and the only way they can go about it is to have the government completely collapse so that they can't regulate them anymore and then the drugs will take over and the drugs will let them understand how they've fucked up the entire country with their cunty egos. 0.83

00:27:29.000 Yeah. 0.91

00:27:30.000 That's great.

00:27:30.000 Then they can apologize.

00:27:32.000 It's almost like the only thing that can save them at this point is pot.

00:27:35.000 Out of all the ones that are dangerous, out of all the ones that...

00:27:38.000 You want an instant change in the economy?

00:27:40.000 Of course it's not going to be under corporate control.

00:27:43.000 You've got to realize that.

00:27:44.000 You ready for that?

00:27:45.000 Because it's going to be under control of anybody who wants to grow pot.

00:27:48.000 That's the problem.

00:27:48.000 If you make it legal, how legal is it going to be?

00:27:51.000 Is it going to be legal to grow like a tomato?

00:27:53.000 Like, I have tomatoes in my yard.

00:27:54.000 Is it going to be okay if I grow pot in my yard?

00:27:56.000 Because if that's the case, it's pretty easy to do, man.

00:27:59.000 Good luck.

00:28:00.000 We're off to the races.

00:28:02.000 The whole economy is going to change.

00:28:03.000 Wasn't there a time when weed was totally legal anyway?

00:28:06.000 Totally legal.

00:28:07.000 And no one even thought about it.

00:28:08.000 Before the 1930s.

00:28:09.000 It wasn't even a thing.

00:28:11.000 It was just something else you smoked.

00:28:13.000 It was so common and so normal and so used as a textile and a commodity.

00:28:19.000 It was so important to the making of clothes and for all sorts of different things that they had before they came out with the decorticator. 0.99

00:28:28.000 When they came out with the decorticator, It led them to be able to process this shit really fucking easy. 0.97

00:28:34.000 And all the difficulty that they had with processing in the past was gone. 0.98

00:28:38.000 One machine completely figured out how to take this hemp and instantly turn it into what you could use for paper, building materials. 0.99

00:28:46.000 Henry Ford made his first fucking car. 0.98

00:28:48.000 He had the fenders made out of hemp. 1.00

00:28:50.000 It's an amazing plant. 0.95

00:28:52.000 It's one of the most durable fucking plants that's ever existed and it's lightweight. 0.98

00:28:57.000 It's really weird. 0.98

00:28:58.000 It's not like any other plant.

00:28:59.000 So the idea of making that illegal was so ridiculous that they had to make the name marijuana.

00:29:05.000 What they did was, Harry Anslinger and William Randolph Hearst and Hearst controlled all these newspapers.

00:29:11.000 We also control all this paper.

00:29:13.000 He controlled all these, like, he made, he had forests, and these forests would chop down this wood and use it to make paper.

00:29:20.000 He was going to have to convert all that to hemp.

00:29:22.000 Like, popular science was saying hemp, the new billion dollar crop, like, they got it in because of the actual, the applications for, like, clothing and nylon and fuel.

00:29:33.000 That's how they got it in.

00:29:34.000 They got it in as a commodity.

00:29:36.000 They essentially banned an incredible natural commodity.

00:29:39.000 One of the greatest ones ever. 0.91

00:29:41.000 So that they could have nylon for ropes and shit like that.

00:29:44.000 So that Hearst didn't have to transfer his mills over to hemp paper. 0.60

00:29:49.000 There's a bunch of weird economic reasons.

00:29:52.000 It just stuck so good!

00:29:55.000 In the 1930s, it's still stuck. 0.98

00:29:57.000 Like, we're running around with the fucking internet with cold syrup and alcohol and fucking antidepressants and everything else, and to this day, one of the best plants that's ever existed on this planet for people is illegal. 0.97

00:30:14.000 Illegal. 1.00

00:30:15.000 I mean, you don't need any more proof than that, that we're fucking retarded. 1.00

00:30:19.000 Like, you want to talk about a backwards-ass civilization. 1.00

00:30:22.000 They've got the best plant ever illegal. 0.99

00:30:26.000 Nothing else can fuck with it. 1.00

00:30:28.000 There's nothing else you can eat, make houses with, make clothes with, and that motherfucker's illegal. 1.00

00:30:33.000 It's going to be interesting seeing that population growth for the places that are legal now, and seeing if there's a growth in music and arts, like if Portland becomes the new Seattle in just two years. 0.96

00:30:44.000 Well, it's illegal in Portland.

00:30:46.000 It is illegal?

00:30:46.000 Yeah, it's illegal in Portland.

00:30:48.000 Portland didn't pass.

00:30:49.000 No, you can have medical.

00:30:52.000 They didn't make it legal statewide.

00:30:54.000 They only made it legal statewide.

00:30:56.000 First was Colorado, second was shortly after was Washington State.

00:31:00.000 And those are the only two right now that's actually legal in the state.

00:31:04.000 But we knew that Denver had passed a city law way back in the day where they said weed was legal.

00:31:09.000 They said they were not going to arrest you, don't smoke it in public.

00:31:12.000 The cops, like, they openly stated they weren't going to do this.

00:31:14.000 We used to talk about that on stage back when we were doing the comedy works in the early 2000s.

00:31:21.000 Yeah, it's very strange.

00:31:23.000 It's a really strange phenomenon.

00:31:26.000 And if you look at it not just from the economic perspective of why people economically might want to ban it, but also from the consciousness level, because the state that induces is one of deep introspection, and if you consider capitalism And the effects of it, 0.83

00:31:47.000 like what you just said, and you really explore, like, shit, do I want to be...

00:31:50.000 Do I want to subscribe to this system that has actually thrown people in jail for growing a thing that used to be, like, one of the number one substances used? 0.97

00:32:02.000 That's the kind of thoughts that come to your mind when you're high, along with a lot of other stuff. 1.00

00:32:05.000 Like, man, I think I'm a fucking asshole. 1.00

00:32:07.000 Did I really just say that to whoever I said that to? 1.00

00:32:10.000 Like, I think I'm a fucking asshole. 1.00

00:32:12.000 And the more you start, like, thinking about stuff like that... 1.00

00:32:15.000 That produces the paranoid trip everyone's so afraid of.

00:32:18.000 But if you take that deeper, then what you realize is happening is the plant is healing your consciousness.

00:32:24.000 And it's identifying aspects of yourself that need to be worked on.

00:32:28.000 That's what the effect is. 0.98

00:32:28.000 And also, if you get super stoned and just get into a messy room, You'll start organizing the fucking room, generally. 0.98

00:32:35.000 You'll start cleaning and scrubbing because you're externalizing what it's doing to you on the inside, which is organizing all these disparate aspects of your personality and forcing you to at least acknowledge it, if not work on it. 0.94

00:32:49.000 And does that kind of balancing agent work with a society based on denial and a society based on ignoring the fact that the whole thing functions by evaporating human beings and stealing their land?

00:33:02.000 Do you really want a drug that produces that level of understanding in the bloodstream of the population?

00:33:10.000 Well, you do. 1.00

00:33:11.000 Just you don't if you're the one at the helm of the fucking meat machine. 0.99

00:33:14.000 If you're the one that's pushing the blades across the land and slashing everything in front of it, then you don't. 0.99

00:33:19.000 But if you're everybody else, of course you do.

00:33:22.000 Of course you do.

00:33:23.000 Right.

00:33:23.000 We're all better off high.

00:33:25.000 It's...

00:33:26.000 I've never really known what it is to sit on a couch.

00:33:30.000 You know, I don't play games.

00:33:31.000 I don't play video games.

00:33:33.000 I don't even know.

00:33:34.000 Play a little pool.

00:33:35.000 Joey Diaz can play some pool. 1.00

00:33:36.000 I grew up in a fucking bar. 1.00

00:33:37.000 Joey Diaz can shoot straight. 1.00

00:33:39.000 Joey Diaz can shoot straight.

00:33:40.000 Here's the weirdest thing of them all, that weed always kicked my ass. 1.00

00:33:45.000 Like, it always fucking beat the fuck out of me. 0.99

00:33:48.000 Like, when I smoked it in the morning, like, 8 in the morning, it would pattern my day for me. 0.97

00:33:52.000 Like, first off, you're not gonna sit here.

00:33:54.000 Right. 0.99

00:33:54.000 You gotta get the fuck out of the house. 0.99

00:33:56.000 Right. 0.98

00:33:56.000 Okay? 0.98

00:33:56.000 So it made me go out and get, like, I always loved listening to music. 0.98

00:34:00.000 So I used to get those any time.

00:34:02.000 Since 1980, I've always had something around my ears.

00:34:04.000 Whether it was the big disc.

00:34:06.000 I never had the big ghetto blaster, but I had the disc.

00:34:08.000 I had the disc.

00:34:09.000 And then it got shorter to the cassette.

00:34:11.000 Yeah.

00:34:11.000 And then it became an iPod.

00:34:12.000 I don't even know the evolution.

00:34:14.000 I even had the power booster that I bought on 40. You know, in New York, the electronic.

00:34:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:19.000 You know, you could buy anything.

00:34:20.000 I used to buy... 1.00

00:34:21.000 Sony used to make an amp that you plugged into the Walkman, and you plugged your speakers into the fucking amp. 1.00

00:34:27.000 Wow. 0.99

00:34:27.000 That's how much of a savage I was. 0.99

00:34:29.000 I wanted it loud.

00:34:30.000 Because when you're going to New York City, there wasn't those earbuds, then there were speakers, you know?

00:34:34.000 Yeah.

00:34:35.000 But I wanted it loud.

00:34:36.000 People used to go around with ghetto blasters, remember that? 0.67

00:34:38.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:34:39.000 Fucking ears at the whole neighborhood. 1.00

00:34:40.000 They would have their own music. 1.00

00:34:42.000 A hip hop.

00:34:43.000 A hip to the hip.

00:34:44.000 They would, like, walk down the street, like, holding on a giant radio.

00:34:49.000 Boomboxes.

00:34:49.000 What?

00:34:50.000 That has got to be one of the weirdest creations.

00:34:54.000 A huge, loud stereo that you carry with you, and dudes would bring them everywhere.

00:34:58.000 Do you remember that?

00:34:59.000 Let me explain something to you.

00:35:00.000 Think of the dudes who did it.

00:35:02.000 It was the same dudes today who have a pit bull.

00:35:05.000 You're right. 0.98

00:35:06.000 The people who had that were people who fucking looked kind of scary. 0.97

00:35:09.000 Like, what? 0.98

00:35:10.000 They walk in with the, don't look me, cause I'm close. 1.00

00:35:14.000 They'll walk into the fucking house with it, blasting. 0.99

00:35:16.000 Well, in some ways, it makes life a little bit simpler because you're walking around with a soundtrack. 1.00

00:35:22.000 You know, I had one.

00:35:23.000 I had a small one.

00:35:24.000 I remember this.

00:35:25.000 Yeah.

00:35:26.000 That's what they used to carry.

00:35:27.000 That's insane.

00:35:29.000 Look at that thing, man.

00:35:31.000 That looks like something we would plug into to make this show.

00:35:35.000 That looks like the podcast equipment.

00:35:37.000 He's got, like, sliding scales on that thing.

00:35:40.000 Look at that.

00:35:41.000 You're turning on Huey Lewis and the News full blast.

00:35:44.000 It's at the Beastman!

00:35:45.000 I don't think that guy listened to Huey Lewis and the News.

00:35:50.000 No, he's probably listening to some...

00:35:52.000 And if you have one of these, nobody ever took it from you.

00:35:54.000 Cool G rap and DJ polo. 0.99

00:35:56.000 Nobody get mugged in their fucking stereo. 0.99

00:35:58.000 Like, dog, please help us find it. 0.99

00:36:00.000 I'm sure someone must have, Joey.

00:36:03.000 People steal everything.

00:36:04.000 Did you see this?

00:36:05.000 Yeah, this is...

00:36:06.000 Yeah, I saw that.

00:36:07.000 Did you see that? 0.97

00:36:08.000 Un-fucking-believable. 0.98

00:36:09.000 Joey's in the far right. 0.99

00:36:11.000 That's insane.

00:36:13.000 You were so cute.

00:36:15.000 Lucky 7! 0.89

00:36:17.000 Can you get it so just his whole body fills the screen?

00:36:18.000 No, I was 44. I was 44. There was no Lucky 7 concept.

00:36:22.000 Yeah, like that.

00:36:22.000 Look at that.

00:36:23.000 Wow.

00:36:24.000 That's so crazy.

00:36:27.000 Wow.

00:36:27.000 Look at you, dude.

00:36:29.000 So how old are you in this picture?

00:36:31.000 Fourteen.

00:36:32.000 Fourteen. 1.00

00:36:33.000 Goddamn, Joey. 0.99

00:36:34.000 You're cute. 0.99

00:36:35.000 You're cute as a button.

00:36:37.000 Turn around and talk into the microphone so other people can hear this, too.

00:36:40.000 Joey, it's up on this screen, too.

00:36:42.000 That kid with the afro was a very interesting story.

00:36:45.000 This guy right here?

00:36:46.000 Because we were a horrible basketball team at McKinley.

00:36:48.000 Can you go full screen?

00:36:49.000 And he moved in to our neighborhood.

00:36:52.000 Does it do that?

00:36:52.000 He could jump.

00:36:53.000 He was 5'8". 0.99

00:36:55.000 But this kid could fucking jump like Julius Erving. 0.99

00:36:57.000 So he was Dominican. 0.99

00:36:59.000 His name was Louie Hernandez.

00:37:00.000 I'm from Jersey. 0.96

00:37:01.000 They just cut it short and called him Louie the nigger. 1.00

00:37:04.000 They said, fuck it. 1.00

00:37:05.000 We don't care if he's Dominican. 1.00

00:37:06.000 We're not going to even think about that.

00:37:08.000 This is David Ruiz.

00:37:09.000 They called him that to his face, too. 0.99

00:37:12.000 Like Louie the nigger. 1.00

00:37:13.000 And did he get pissed? 1.00

00:37:15.000 Fuck you, bitch. 1.00

00:37:16.000 He was a tough kid. 1.00

00:37:17.000 Did he get mad at you when you called him?

00:37:18.000 Sometimes.

00:37:18.000 I think he bit slapped two or three people.

00:37:20.000 But the best thing he did was, we used to do acid.

00:37:24.000 When we first started smoking weed in the eighth grade, we'd go behind a soccer field in North Bergen, and he let us blow smoke into his afro and see the smoke come out.

00:37:35.000 How cool was he?

00:37:37.000 I remember that!

00:37:38.000 I remember you told me that!

00:37:39.000 This was the crew. 1.00

00:37:40.000 So I knew all these motherfuckers! 1.00

00:37:42.000 Scroll down to the... 1.00

00:37:43.000 Alright, this kid here...

00:37:44.000 No, up, up.

00:37:45.000 That kid there was David Black.

00:37:46.000 We graduated together and I knew him after the fact.

00:37:49.000 And one night he came in to Joe and I was like, look, you gotta call.

00:37:52.000 You gotta give me a ride.

00:37:53.000 If you give me a ride, I'll give you a ride.

00:37:54.000 Alright, we gave him a ride.

00:37:56.000 He gets out of the car in West New York.

00:37:57.000 About three minutes later, he comes running back bleeding with his hair pulled.

00:38:01.000 I go, what happened?

00:38:02.000 He goes, I went and robbed my sister.

00:38:04.000 I mean, he was serious. 1.00

00:38:05.000 He had Coke rocks for everybody, a chunk of his fucking hair. 0.99

00:38:08.000 She caught him on the way out as he was pulling out of the window. 0.99

00:38:25.000 Joey, I wish you could do your own stand by me.

00:38:32.000 My God.

00:38:32.000 He's so great.

00:38:33.000 My fucking God. 1.00

00:38:35.000 Joey, who is this? 1.00

00:38:36.000 Why is his head so small?

00:38:38.000 When I got this picture, I nearly...

00:38:40.000 Which one?

00:38:40.000 The Filipino kid?

00:38:41.000 No, this guy on the left.

00:38:43.000 That kid's like a multi-gazillioner now.

00:38:45.000 His family owns a tow truck company in northern New Jersey, New York City.

00:38:49.000 If you get towed, his family is the one that owns it.

00:38:56.000 I swear to God.

00:38:57.000 I believe you. 1.00

00:38:58.000 This is fucking crazy shit here. 1.00

00:39:00.000 I believe you. 1.00

00:39:01.000 It's fucking crazy, man. 0.99

00:39:02.000 So, 1978? 0.99

00:39:04.000 Somebody sent me this yesterday while I was eating dinner.

00:39:06.000 Wow. 0.99

00:39:07.000 And I almost had a fucking heart attack. 1.00

00:39:08.000 That's incredible. 0.99

00:39:09.000 A friend goes, look what I found looking through yearbooks.

00:39:11.000 And that's when I was an innocent.

00:39:13.000 No, I was smoking dope then.

00:39:14.000 I was no innocent then.

00:39:15.000 I was smoking dope.

00:39:16.000 I was finger-banging people.

00:39:21.000 You can still be innocent.

00:39:23.000 It was just me and my mom at the house.

00:39:24.000 Yeah, yeah, I was okay.

00:39:26.000 I was okay.

00:39:26.000 I wasn't crazy then.

00:39:27.000 I smoked my first reefer when I was 15. I ganked it from my dad.

00:39:33.000 And I had no idea how strong it was.

00:39:36.000 And we rolled a joint. 1.00

00:39:38.000 And me and my friend Josh and this girl that I was dating, we smoked this shit. 0.99

00:39:43.000 And we smoked way too much for 15-year-olds, whatever we were. 0.93

00:39:48.000 And we wound up waking up in various parts of the house, like blink, like blink, it's never happened to me before, but like blink, all of a sudden I'd be on the couch.

00:39:58.000 Blink, all of a sudden I'd be in front of the refrigerator.

00:40:01.000 Like blink, all the time in between the blinks, missing.

00:40:04.000 Wow.

00:40:04.000 Just arriving places.

00:40:06.000 Like waking up in a bedroom.

00:40:08.000 No short-term memory.

00:40:10.000 Not just no short-term memory, it's like my tape gets cut.

00:40:14.000 Like, the events between those two did not exist.

00:40:18.000 I got so high I had zero memory.

00:40:21.000 So what I would think it was, was I got so high that I would say, you know what, I need to just get into the kitchen and maybe get something to eat and maybe it'll calm this down.

00:40:29.000 So my brain spools up.

00:40:32.000 That it's got to figure out to remember to get to the kitchen to eat because I'm that high.

00:40:36.000 And then in between during the walking, I forget everything. 0.99

00:40:40.000 So then boom, all of a sudden I wake up and I'm in front of the refrigerator going, what the fuck? 0.96

00:40:43.000 And she was doing it too, my girlfriend at the time. 0.99

00:40:46.000 And my friend was doing it.

00:40:47.000 My friend Josh was doing it too. 0.99

00:40:48.000 We were all fucking... 0.97

00:40:50.000 It scared me off of weed for a long time. 0.99

00:40:53.000 Scared me off weed for a long time.

00:40:56.000 I didn't smoke weed again for several years after that.

00:40:58.000 The first time you get high, you really don't get that zonked. 1.00

00:41:01.000 It's the second or third time, and then you're outside, and you really start to understand that you end up in a bowling alley buying a chocolate milk.

00:41:10.000 That's why I went and ate.

00:41:11.000 We had french fries and chocolate milk.

00:41:14.000 Have you ever had that happen?

00:41:15.000 Where you felt like you woke up in places?

00:41:17.000 The first two or three years, I just smoked, you know, like, Duncan, what are you doing Friday night?

00:41:23.000 Nothing.

00:41:24.000 My mom's leaving.

00:41:25.000 Perfect.

00:41:25.000 I'm going to call Joe.

00:41:26.000 I'm going to come home with some weed.

00:41:27.000 I don't know, bro.

00:41:28.000 My brother found that last time.

00:41:30.000 He's going to rat me out. 1.00

00:41:30.000 All right, fuck it. 1.00

00:41:31.000 We'll smoke in your yard. 1.00

00:41:32.000 And we'll go and listen to Pink Floyd.

00:41:34.000 I mean, not even though the war wasn't even out yet.

00:41:36.000 We listened to the Beatles, Sgt. Pepper.

00:41:38.000 Like, that's it.

00:41:39.000 Like, we'd get together and roll a joint.

00:41:41.000 In those days, I used to have a glass.

00:41:43.000 You went to East-West, this head shop, and there was a tube.

00:41:47.000 And it was like a flute with this open, but it had a hole, and you put the joint in there.

00:41:53.000 Joe light it.

00:41:54.000 And you'd light the joint. 1.00

00:41:55.000 And I'd suck it in. 1.00

00:41:56.000 I'd hold it back. 1.00

00:41:57.000 And then it was like, that's it.

00:41:58.000 That was your carburetor.

00:41:59.000 When you smoked one of those, you got zunked.

00:42:02.000 That was it.

00:42:02.000 And then we'd sit around and we'd all have money.

00:42:05.000 You know, like, what do you want to do?

00:42:06.000 How much you got a dollar a quarter?

00:42:07.000 What do you got, three dollars?

00:42:08.000 I got four.

00:42:09.000 Let's go to Nick's.

00:42:10.000 And you walk to the pizza place.

00:42:11.000 Remember? 1.00

00:42:12.000 You just talk stupidity. 1.00

00:42:14.000 And you didn't get... 1.00

00:42:15.000 You look at each other.

00:42:16.000 Do I look high?

00:42:17.000 No.

00:42:18.000 You think Nick will say I'm high?

00:42:19.000 No.

00:42:19.000 He's going, no, I'm high.

00:42:20.000 Come on, do I look high?

00:42:21.000 No, no. 1.00

00:42:21.000 But Vizine, it was a fucking... 1.00

00:42:23.000 It was tremendous. 1.00

00:42:24.000 Then you had to get in the house and walk past your mother. 0.63

00:42:26.000 Yes.

00:42:27.000 And that was the night your mother decided to make cookies.

00:42:29.000 So now you had to look and talk to her.

00:42:31.000 Whatever! 1.00

00:42:32.000 That's why you smoke pot, dog.

00:42:34.000 Because it brought something different to your life at 13. It made you feel fucking alive. 0.99

00:42:39.000 How cool was it? 0.74

00:42:40.000 Like, I always want to do...

00:42:41.000 Right now, forget about anything.

00:42:43.000 I would love to... 0.97

00:42:44.000 Get 60 people and chairs and couches and just fucking come out on stage and give everybody a joint and a table in the middle with joints and just do time to all those joints I got. 0.67

00:42:55.000 Well, you know, there's a couple places you can do that in Toronto. 0.95

00:42:58.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:42:58.000 That's it.

00:42:58.000 They're going to start having those in Denver, guaranteed.

00:43:00.000 Yeah, any day.

00:43:01.000 The only problem is it's against health code to be able to be smoking in a public place.

00:43:05.000 We just want to crack jokes, dog, and bring it back to when you were 14 and you all sat around and listened to, is it something I said?

00:43:11.000 Yeah.

00:43:11.000 Or that one album with...

00:43:13.000 I used to sit around.

00:43:30.000 Yeah. 0.95

00:43:38.000 Even George Carlin, he was so fucking hip. 0.98

00:43:40.000 I remember still listening to Lenny Bruce and like being like eight and like turning it off, like fucking hiding and going next. 0.93

00:43:46.000 What was the first stand-up you got exposed to? 0.99

00:43:49.000 Richard Pryor, the nigga's crazy. 1.00

00:43:51.000 Wino meets Dracula, pushed me over the fucking top, drooling, crying. 1.00

00:43:57.000 Like, mommy, I gotta tell you this joke and then putting it on and going back and telling me y'all don't admit the curses. 0.99

00:44:03.000 Y'all don't admit the curses.

00:44:04.000 What?

00:44:06.000 And then you learned... 1.00

00:44:07.000 You know, at all that age, I wasn't into fucking the black dude that everybody's supposed to like. 1.00

00:44:13.000 Bill Cosby? 1.00

00:44:13.000 No. 1.00

00:44:14.000 I was a George Carlin, Richard Pryor.

00:44:16.000 Oh, man.

00:44:17.000 For me...

00:44:18.000 Later, it was Bill Cosby.

00:44:20.000 Cosby, for me, was the first.

00:44:22.000 That was my first.

00:44:23.000 My parents had an album, and it was Noah having a conversation with God.

00:44:30.000 You ever hear that?

00:44:31.000 Noah in the Ark?

00:44:32.000 Noah having a conversation with God?

00:44:33.000 Yeah, I vaguely remember it. 0.99

00:44:35.000 It's fucking great, man. 0.98

00:44:37.000 I mean, it's great. 0.99

00:44:38.000 He's a totally different style than any of us.

00:44:41.000 And I don't think he's right in when he gets mad at people for using certain language.

00:44:49.000 There was a...

00:44:50.000 Juana Sykes interviewed him once, and he criticized her language, how she phrased the question to him.

00:44:57.000 I'm like, oh, come on, man.

00:44:59.000 But as a comedian, the dude's top notch.

00:45:03.000 He's extremely conservative.

00:45:05.000 He's a very conservative person.

00:45:07.000 He's very conservative.

00:45:08.000 Well, you know what he is?

00:45:09.000 He's a super successful man that had to be incredibly driven to get to where he was.

00:45:15.000 And he's not tolerating any mediocrity or what he perceives to be mediocrity in any form.

00:45:20.000 Whether it's language or behavior or the use of swear words.

00:45:24.000 Fun guy!

00:45:25.000 Yeah, it's unfortunate.

00:45:28.000 My first experience with stand-up was, I was very young.

00:45:33.000 My parents had a record player.

00:45:35.000 I put Bill Cosby on and would play it.

00:45:38.000 And when you're a kid, you don't have an immune system for comedy because you've never heard it before. 0.99

00:45:44.000 So the first time you hear it, it knocks you on your ass because it's so funny. 0.96

00:45:49.000 You can't stop laughing. 0.98

00:45:50.000 You don't have the defense mechanisms.

00:45:52.000 It's a brand new thing.

00:45:53.000 You're hearing a whole new rhythm, a whole new way of storytelling that is always the funniest thing you've ever heard.

00:45:59.000 I can remember laying there and not being able to breathe, just like clutching my stomach because it was so funny.

00:46:08.000 His joke that I remember from this album was the one about getting drunk.

00:46:12.000 It was just this whole story about throwing up and getting drunk.

00:46:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:17.000 Well, he had that great bit about the son at the football game that the dad works out with the son, does all this thing with the son, and then finally, you know, the cameras turn on him, and he's like, Hi, Mom.

00:46:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:32.000 We had one that I got hooked on.

00:46:36.000 That's the one that really fucked Mencia up. 1.00

00:46:39.000 That one really fucked him up. 0.79

00:46:41.000 Which one was it? 0.98

00:46:42.000 The Cosby one.

00:46:43.000 Because that's sacred ground.

00:46:45.000 I mean, as far as stand-up comedians, in my opinion, there's five, six sacred comedians.

00:46:51.000 And Cosby's one of the sacred ones.

00:46:53.000 Sure, yeah.

00:46:53.000 No doubt about it.

00:46:55.000 He's an all-time genius.

00:46:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:58.000 You can't talk shit about him. 0.99

00:47:00.000 But what an odd decision to steal a Bill Cosby joke. 1.00

00:47:03.000 He fucked up. 0.99

00:47:05.000 We've said a lot of things about that guy over the years, Mencia. 1.00

00:47:09.000 I honestly hope he's got his shit together. 0.99

00:47:12.000 I wish him well. 0.99

00:47:14.000 We don't have to play that dude.

00:47:16.000 The Buck Buck joke with the blue thing is one really flip comedy for me.

00:47:23.000 He does a bit about playing Buck Buck and he sits on a stool.

00:47:26.000 And he doesn't move, and anybody who ever played Buck Buck knows it's a moving game.

00:47:31.000 He sold me in my mind, and that's when I learned the other phase of comedy.

00:47:36.000 By that time I was maybe 16 or 17. But guess who I was into at that point?

00:47:41.000 David Letterman.

00:47:43.000 Letterman?

00:47:44.000 When Letterman first came on...

00:47:45.000 That's so weird.

00:47:46.000 When Letterman... 0.99

00:47:47.000 Fucking tell me about it! 0.99

00:47:48.000 When Letterman first hit TV, I was a senior in high school. 0.99

00:47:52.000 And the first time I watched Letterman, I was gone.

00:47:55.000 Really?

00:47:55.000 Like that style of...

00:47:57.000 Being a cool guy.

00:47:58.000 Something.

00:47:59.000 And then I watched him from 18 to like 23. You know, whenever I was home at 11, when I wasn't coked up.

00:48:08.000 Or in jail. 1.00

00:48:09.000 Whatever stupidity I was doing, they're not in jail. 1.00

00:48:11.000 And then I didn't watch him again. 0.99

00:48:13.000 But I knew that style when he would come up and do his monologue in the beginning.

00:48:17.000 I dug him. 0.98

00:48:19.000 Like, I fucking just was sold. 0.98

00:48:20.000 And I found out he was at the Comedy Store. 0.98

00:48:22.000 And Pryor was at the Comedy Store.

00:48:24.000 And I started putting all the pieces together.

00:48:26.000 Wow.

00:48:27.000 And already I had heard the guy from Mark and Mindy was a joke thief. 1.00

00:48:31.000 He's a fucking joke thief. 1.00

00:48:33.000 Yeah, we heard about that. 1.00

00:48:34.000 You follow me, right?

00:48:35.000 So I heard that already. 0.99

00:48:36.000 And then, again, way before I was going to be a fucking comic, not even thought... 0.98

00:48:41.000 I went to catch that dude. 0.98

00:48:43.000 We've said this already on here.

00:48:45.000 Went to see the dude from Boston that's very witty.

00:48:48.000 Stephen...

00:48:48.000 Stephen Wright?

00:48:50.000 Right.

00:48:50.000 Yeah.

00:48:51.000 He went.

00:48:51.000 My friend won tickets to the radio in Boulder at the big thing on South Boulder.

00:48:55.000 We went.

00:48:56.000 He was brilliant.

00:48:57.000 His material was brilliant.

00:48:59.000 I was blown away. 0.74

00:49:00.000 Wow, he didn't fucking curse, really, towards the end. 0.98

00:49:03.000 That's a different style. 0.90

00:49:05.000 And all of a sudden, I went to see him a year later and did the same material. 0.98

00:49:09.000 And I said to myself, if I was ever a comic, I wouldn't do the same fucking thing. 0.96

00:49:13.000 I think he has a real problem with that act. 0.98

00:49:16.000 It's such a narrow window that he can write material in.

00:49:20.000 The things he can write about.

00:49:22.000 Everything has to be absurd.

00:49:23.000 Everything has to be a little flip on things.

00:49:27.000 I love comics like that, like him and Mitch.

00:49:33.000 They're amazing, but I think it must feel a little claustrophobic to get stuck in that form.

00:49:39.000 Steven Reich, I guess he can't just come out And start doing bits about things. 0.97

00:49:43.000 And tell a long story because people will be like, what the fuck, man? 0.98

00:49:45.000 What if he did it with a lot of energy? 0.99

00:49:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:47.000 And I was like, lady, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:49:49.000 And everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1.00

00:49:51.000 Where's that mellow guy?

00:49:52.000 Yeah.

00:49:53.000 Yeah.

00:49:54.000 So I think that sucks kind of to get stuck or to get pigeonholed in that one form.

00:49:58.000 I once worked at a fire hydrant factory.

00:50:01.000 Yes.

00:50:01.000 Couldn't park anywhere near the place.

00:50:03.000 Yes, yes.

00:50:08.000 That's a classic Stephen Wright.

00:50:11.000 That's that style.

00:50:13.000 In a lot of ways, very Hedbergian.

00:50:16.000 Hedberg style is kind of like that, too.

00:50:18.000 Like, real odd. 0.99

00:50:19.000 It's fucking so good. 1.00

00:50:20.000 I love all that shit, though. 1.00

00:50:22.000 My favorite Hedberg one is, well, it's one of my favorites. 1.00

00:50:24.000 It goes, somebody asked me if I wanted a frozen banana.

00:50:27.000 I said, no, but I want a regular banana later.

00:50:30.000 So, yes.

00:50:33.000 You're like, what?

00:50:37.000 Imagine if somebody wrote that down for you if you're hiring a guy to write jokes.

00:50:40.000 Listen, fella, I'm gonna give you 200 in an hour.

00:50:42.000 Write me some snippy material. 0.99

00:50:44.000 I really need to kill him at the club tonight. 0.99

00:50:47.000 And he reads that. 1.00

00:50:50.000 Guy asks me if I want a frozen banana. 0.98

00:50:51.000 What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? 0.98

00:50:53.000 Guy asks me if I want a frozen banana. 0.99

00:50:55.000 I say no, but I want a regular banana later.

00:50:57.000 So yes? 1.00

00:50:59.000 What the fuck are you... 1.00

00:51:01.000 What the fuck am I paying you to write? 1.00

00:51:03.000 Jesus Christ, you piece of shit. 1.00

00:51:07.000 But meanwhile, it's brilliant. 1.00

00:51:08.000 It comes out of Headbrook.

00:51:09.000 The one about Doubletree?

00:51:11.000 How did they name that?

00:51:12.000 What do you want to call the place?

00:51:14.000 Two Trees?

00:51:15.000 Doubletree! 0.70

00:51:16.000 Meeting adjourned!

00:51:21.000 His stuff never connected.

00:51:24.000 What we do is we'll have a subject and it's so much easier the way we do comedy because you have a subject and your subject is like the Liberace bit that you're doing now. 0.96

00:51:35.000 He'll start on that Liberace movie and he can talk about that fucking movie for 15 minutes.

00:51:40.000 It's a whole series of hilarious things that exist inside of this one subject. 0.96

00:51:46.000 But if you're a Mitch Hedberg guy, it's like essentially you're talking about one thing, and then you're talking about Oreo cookies, and then you're talking about heroin, whatever.

00:51:55.000 And all the bullets you've got to have in your gun.

00:51:57.000 You've got to have so many jokes for an hour set if each of your jokes is eight seconds.

00:52:05.000 And they're all non-connected.

00:52:07.000 But meanwhile, Hedberg would just pump it out, man. 1.00

00:52:10.000 He pumped out a lot of shit. 1.00

00:52:12.000 He constantly was writing. 1.00

00:52:14.000 That guy was one of the most prolific guys.

00:52:18.000 You know, like, you always heard about him writing a lot of material.

00:52:21.000 Yeah, I heard somebody say they would write with him, and they would go meet him to write, and they would have, like, maybe one shitty, half-thought-out joke written down, and he would have, like, 20 just hilarious jokes.

00:52:35.000 He's one of those comics kids that just pours out of him.

00:52:40.000 Is that you breathing in the mic?

00:52:41.000 Jesus Christ.

00:52:42.000 I don't know what it is.

00:52:45.000 I'm listening to my ears.

00:52:47.000 I'm hearing Darth Vader in the background.

00:52:51.000 Yeah, he had that style down.

00:52:54.000 He figured out his perfect style.

00:52:56.000 And that's a great example why you can never really teach comedy.

00:53:00.000 You know, I thought about doing, remember we talked about doing this at the store, like doing something in the belly room.

00:53:05.000 Well, I was going to call it like a comics workshop.

00:53:08.000 And the idea was like, you really can't, like anyone who's like a real legitimate comic could go and do it for free.

00:53:15.000 You can't pay for that.

00:53:16.000 You can't charge people for comedy classes. 0.92

00:53:19.000 It just seems too fucking weird. 0.68

00:53:20.000 It just seems too strange.

00:53:22.000 It's the entire opposite of the feeling of camaraderie that we're supposed to be giving each other.

00:53:28.000 We're not supposed to be taking money from each other like that.

00:53:30.000 We don't feed off of each other.

00:53:31.000 What we should be doing is promoting the art of stand-up.

00:53:34.000 If somebody wants to take a course and they're not a comedian and they just want to find out what it's like and sit in, then I could see maybe charging them.

00:53:42.000 But someone who's actually a comedian, trying to be a comedian, there's that.

00:53:46.000 So the idea of teaching a class kind of goes against the whole way of camaraderie that we all enjoy.

00:53:55.000 But it's also that...

00:53:57.000 You can't teach people how to do comedy.

00:53:59.000 You can only give them advice as to maybe how you would do it, or maybe if they shortened things up or had less words.

00:54:07.000 Well, it's a little bit like what you're saying.

00:54:09.000 I'm sorry to cut you off.

00:54:10.000 No, please do.

00:54:11.000 I'm rambling.

00:54:12.000 What you're saying reminds me a lot of what people say about...

00:54:16.000 Like Buddhism or spirituality is that they say, you know, you can't read this.

00:54:25.000 This isn't something like, you can read all you want, but it's not going to teach you.

00:54:29.000 It's the practice of the thing itself that teaches you.

00:54:32.000 So, like, when I went down to hang out to this Ram Dass retreat, and there was this Zen Roshi there, this woman who's been practicing Zen for, like, I don't know, her whole life, basically.

00:54:43.000 And she said that the teacher does not give the student enlightenment, but sets the conditions, creates a good condition for realization.

00:54:54.000 So in the same way, I think you could have a comedy class, but the comedy class isn't something where you tell someone, here's how you hold the mic, and here's the way you write a joke, and here's how you get booked at clubs.

00:55:05.000 It's more like Here's an environment that is conducive to coming up with ideas and jokes.

00:55:12.000 Some kind of free-form chaotic place where people just get together and...

00:55:17.000 I guess, you know, get to be around people like you or like, you know, Cosby or big comics.

00:55:24.000 Because somehow just being around a very funny person for a little bit of time can teach you so much.

00:55:30.000 But the actual mechanics of the thing, the technical aspects of it, that's, I think, where comedy classes are at.

00:55:37.000 I'm going to tell you this sincerely from my heart that, as you were saying it, and Joe's going to agree with me because we're both on the same page.

00:55:44.000 I would have loved if somebody would have taken my hand in the beginning.

00:55:48.000 And walk me through a lot of things.

00:55:50.000 And there's a lot of things that I could take a new comic that we, all three of us, all four of us, everybody in the room, could take a new comic and walk him around for a couple weeks with him, three, four weeks, and explain this.

00:56:02.000 After that, it's like anything else, man.

00:56:04.000 You gotta figure it out on your own.

00:56:05.000 Because that's part of the journey.

00:56:07.000 Yep.

00:56:07.000 That's part of your happiness.

00:56:09.000 That's what's gonna make you happy later.

00:56:11.000 Well, not only that, you two guys are a perfect example of it.

00:56:14.000 You two are two of my best friends, and you're also two of my favorite comedians.

00:56:17.000 Thank you. 0.91

00:56:18.000 And you're both completely fucking different. 0.90

00:56:21.000 And I love watching both of you perform equally. 0.98

00:56:24.000 You're both totally different.

00:56:26.000 Totally different, totally different styles, but yet both awesome.

00:56:30.000 You know why?

00:56:31.000 Because you're really you, and you're really you.

00:56:34.000 It's that simple.

00:56:35.000 You're not playing.

00:56:36.000 We all know the poor people that are stuck putting together an act, and they're kind of pretending to be someone they're not. 0.95

00:56:43.000 We know those folks, and it's a terrible rut to be in.

00:56:47.000 Artistically, as a person, whatever.

00:56:49.000 You guys aren't in that spot.

00:56:51.000 So because of that, you're allowed to figure out, and I don't know if that's ever going to be You almost have to struggle uniquely and individually to become a Duncan Trussell.

00:57:02.000 It's almost like if you get advice, they're never going to figure out that this is possible, that you could be you.

00:57:09.000 If you met with someone when you were 20 years old, and you're like, Duncan, what would you like to do someday? 0.75

00:57:13.000 I like to smoke pot, play video games, I like to write about my penis, I would like to go on stage and make people laugh, and that's really it. 0.96

00:57:22.000 They'd be like, well, okay. 1.00

00:57:24.000 Kill Show yourself. 0.98

00:57:25.000 That's cute, but let's think realistically, Duncan.

00:57:28.000 What about your real future?

00:57:29.000 Instead of saying, oh, so many people have done that before, no one is ever going to be able to figure out how to make a Duncan Trussell except Duncan Trussell.

00:57:36.000 Well, I think some people, I think comedians, there are tendencies in comedians.

00:57:41.000 There are similarities in comedians, right?

00:57:43.000 Wouldn't you say there's things in comics, not material-wise, but there are aspects of comedians that all seem to be the same.

00:57:51.000 One is they're They tend to be very anti-authoritarian.

00:57:54.000 So when you tell them what to do, when you tell them this is what you have to do, they inevitably want to reject that, overcome it, disrupt it, make fun of it.

00:58:06.000 And I think that tendency starts when you're really young. 0.92

00:58:10.000 And if that tendency is in you, you're going to have a hard fucking time anyway getting a regular job. 0.98

00:58:15.000 Because... 0.99

00:58:15.000 It's such an affront. 0.99

00:58:18.000 I can remember listening.

00:58:19.000 In college, there was a career class we had to go to.

00:58:22.000 And I can remember sitting there and listening to the guy talk about having to wear suits and talking about the way you talk to your boss and talking about the way to be polite in the workplace.

00:58:36.000 You know what happens when you listen to that guy? 0.98

00:58:39.000 You wind up at a restaurant with your date and some asshole actor starts telling your date that she's an old soul and you just take it. 1.00

00:58:45.000 Yes. 1.00

00:58:45.000 Without bitch slapping that dude. 1.00

00:58:47.000 Yes, exactly. 1.00

00:58:48.000 They turn you.

00:58:49.000 You're right.

00:58:49.000 The essence of the thing is just lay on your belly and submit to the master.

00:58:54.000 Just the very same thing that like when you see a mother dog, like our dog had puppies and I remember watching the mother dog play with the puppies and part of the thing it seemed like she was teaching them was to like show their belly to like turn over on their belly. 0.99

00:59:08.000 That's the essence of the fucking thing. 0.98

00:59:10.000 It's like obedience, subservience, submission. 0.99

00:59:13.000 Well, it's the only way you're ever going to get by in life with a regular job.

00:59:16.000 The only way to get by in life, if you want to move your way up the corporate ladder, you have to follow the rules.

00:59:20.000 You can't tell dirty jokes at work.

00:59:21.000 You can't try to get laid.

00:59:22.000 You can't try to play pranks on people.

00:59:26.000 There's no room for creativity.

00:59:27.000 You're there from 9 to 5. You punch in, you punch out.

00:59:30.000 I think that's not all places though, man.

00:59:32.000 Oh no, it's certainly not.

00:59:33.000 I saw pictures of somebody working in Google and they were laying in a box of colored balls on their laptop.

00:59:42.000 That's amazing.

00:59:43.000 I don't think it's all places.

00:59:45.000 It's an old school model.

00:59:46.000 It's an old school model, which is that it's based on feudalism.

00:59:50.000 It's based on the king.

00:59:51.000 Show obedience to the king.

00:59:52.000 Show obedience to your boss or your teacher.

00:59:56.000 Yeah, Google is the perfect example of how to do a corporation. 0.98

00:59:59.000 I mean, we joke around about them being Skynet, but the reality of Google is they've managed in a short period of time to keep a lot of fucking employees happy. 0.95

01:00:08.000 They have a huge business. 0.98

01:00:10.000 They own everything.

01:00:11.000 They've got maps. 1.00

01:00:12.000 They've got fucking music. 1.00

01:00:13.000 They've got their own operating system for phones. 1.00

01:00:16.000 They've developed their own browser. 1.00

01:00:17.000 I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. 0.99

01:00:19.000 Has anybody ever kicked ass on the internet the way Google has? 0.99

01:00:23.000 And yet, they're really cool to their employees. 0.99

01:00:26.000 If you go there, their employees got fucking foosball tables and shit and really good food, and they have a real comfortable working environment. 0.99

01:00:34.000 I have a friend who works there. 1.00

01:00:35.000 There's a dude that works there who's decided at work he wants to be a girl.

01:00:40.000 So he's a guy, he's married, he's got kids, but at work, he puts on women's clothes, and they change the title, his title at work, to what his girl name is. 1.00

01:00:49.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:00:50.000 And they're like, okay. 1.00

01:00:52.000 They're so open-minded, they're not like, Bob, is there something going on, man?

01:00:57.000 You know, all of a sudden you're wearing a dress.

01:00:58.000 Instead of any of that, there's none of that.

01:01:00.000 They're like, okay, well, Helen, pleasure to meet you, Helen.

01:01:04.000 Have I met you before?

01:01:05.000 I have met you before, but I met you as Bob.

01:01:08.000 Okay.

01:01:08.000 So now, well, pleasure to meet you as Helen.

01:01:10.000 So let's take it from here on.

01:01:12.000 We're Helen.

01:01:12.000 Except dinner parties.

01:01:13.000 When they go out at night and he brings his wife, then he dresses like a man. 0.97

01:01:16.000 Yeah.

01:01:16.000 Like if he has functions or anything, then he's a man and he's married and he has a wife.

01:01:20.000 And they're so open-minded.

01:01:21.000 They're like, okay.

01:01:23.000 As long as he does his job, right? 0.99

01:01:24.000 Are you fucking putting me on? 0.99

01:01:24.000 Not putting you on at all. 0.99

01:01:25.000 Wait, this is your friend or this is a...

01:01:27.000 No, no, no, no.

01:01:27.000 My friend is...

01:01:28.000 My friend...

01:01:29.000 I thought it was your friend.

01:01:30.000 I'm like...

01:01:31.000 My friend works in the same environment as this person.

01:01:35.000 My friend works at Google.

01:01:36.000 That's all cool.

01:01:37.000 That's all cool.

01:01:37.000 You slip and fall in the bathroom and try to sue Google.

01:01:40.000 And they're like, Sue, then you wear a dress and fucking work. 1.00

01:01:45.000 You want to sue me? 1.00

01:01:46.000 You want to wear a dress, cocksucker? 1.00

01:01:48.000 You better get your shit together. 1.00

01:01:49.000 Pack your pencil. 1.00

01:01:51.000 That's what happens when your heels don't fit.

01:01:54.000 You imagine? 1.00

01:01:55.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:01:56.000 You wear a fucking dress to work. 1.00

01:01:58.000 Somebody's going to say something eventually, I mean. 1.00

01:02:00.000 Well, the shoes alone would be reason to not be a woman. 1.00

01:02:03.000 If I was a woman, even if I was a really sexy, heterosexual woman, I think I would dress like a man. 0.89

01:02:10.000 I think this is the most comfortable way to move around.

01:02:14.000 Converse All-Stars, pair of jeans, nice comfortable shirts.

01:02:17.000 Why are you wearing those shoes?

01:02:19.000 With those crazy shoes you wear and you can't walk in. 1.00

01:02:21.000 Yeah, you know, one thing that is probably certain, but I guess I'll find out in a second, is that those fucking shoes were not invented by a woman, right? 0.99

01:02:30.000 Like, whoever invented high heels wasn't a woman. 1.00

01:02:33.000 No person was like, you know what, I'm gonna put myself in uncomfortable stilts that warp my feet.

01:02:40.000 I'm gonna put myself in the most uncomfortable shoe wear.

01:02:44.000 I can't drink.

01:02:45.000 Yeah, probably as a chick. 1.00

01:02:48.000 Probably wasn't.

01:02:48.000 No, a lot of people, like foot bindings.

01:02:50.000 There's a whole history of like...

01:02:52.000 I meant to say, isn't it, Chuck?

01:02:54.000 Yeah.

01:02:54.000 I meant to say, well, Jimmy Choo is a woman.

01:02:57.000 Did you know that?

01:02:58.000 Who?

01:02:58.000 Jimmy Choo.

01:02:59.000 That's like a big one with the gals. 1.00

01:03:01.000 They love the Jimmy Choo shoes.

01:03:03.000 Jimmy Choo is actually a woman.

01:03:04.000 A woman created that. 1.00

01:03:06.000 Yeah, but if you look at the history of them...

01:03:08.000 Alright, let's find out.

01:03:09.000 Do you think there'd be a patent on that?

01:03:11.000 This is why I hate Google. 1.00

01:03:12.000 As a stoner, any of your stupid ideas can instantly be shot down. 1.00

01:03:17.000 My friend ate it, wearing high heels the other day, just tore her knee wide open because of those stupid high heel shoes. 1.00

01:03:25.000 Yeah, they're fucking dangerous, man. 1.00

01:03:26.000 It's like, especially when you're walking around the street and there's cracks in the sidewalk and weird shit and divots. 0.99

01:03:34.000 You can't walk in those things. 0.99

01:03:35.000 Bitch, you can't work in those things. 1.00

01:03:37.000 Okay, where does it say invention? 1.00

01:03:39.000 It's a history of high heels.

01:03:40.000 History.

01:03:41.000 You've haunted me with those feet shoes, Joe.

01:03:44.000 Those footie toes things.

01:03:45.000 I see them like every day now.

01:03:46.000 They're great.

01:03:47.000 If you wore them, you would wear... 0.99

01:03:48.000 Well, you're so funny to talk shit because you're wearing slippers right now. 0.99

01:03:51.000 You're wearing slippers like you just stepped out of some Russian bathhouse. 1.00

01:03:55.000 Where they give you one of those massages where they beat you with the sticks like Fedor used to do.

01:04:02.000 The banya. 0.99

01:04:03.000 And they fucking slap you with that thing. 1.00

01:04:04.000 These shoes are comfy. 0.99

01:04:05.000 I bet they are comfy, but that's what it looks like.

01:04:07.000 You're shuffling out in the middle of the winter in some Soviet Union gear headed to the banya to get slapped. 0.95

01:04:14.000 Men massaged naked.

01:04:16.000 Or an Alzheimer's patient who's slipped out the back door and is lost in a city.

01:04:20.000 Yeah.

01:04:21.000 Alright, the first instance of the wear of high heels involved 1533 marriage between Catherine de Murti and the Duke of Orleans.

01:04:31.000 She wore heels made in Florence for her wedding, and as a result, Italian high heels became the norm for the ladies in the Duke's court in France.

01:04:39.000 Unfortunately, this reference may be apocryphal.

01:04:46.000 As the development of heels did not begin to come about until the late 1580s based on an iconographic evidence.

01:04:54.000 So it was somewhere around the 1580s.

01:04:58.000 Between 1530 and 1580s. 0.99

01:05:00.000 I heard it's because everything used to be covered in shit. 0.99

01:05:04.000 And a lady didn't want to get her feet in shit puddles. 1.00

01:05:07.000 And so you would try to use the high heels to push the feet out of the shit. 1.00

01:05:11.000 Doesn't make sense because the toes down, toes still getting caked and shit. 0.99

01:05:15.000 Better the toes than the entire foot. 0.98

01:05:17.000 Really? 0.99

01:05:18.000 If I have to choose between how much of anything I want covered in shit, I'm gonna pick the smallest one. 0.99

01:05:22.000 I'll go with my heels. 0.99

01:05:24.000 I'd rather have shit on my heel than in between my cute little toes. 1.00

01:05:28.000 Why would you want to get your piggies all dirty? 1.00

01:05:30.000 My piggies wallowing around shit. 1.00

01:05:32.000 So what would that look like? 1.00

01:05:33.000 Reverse high heels? 1.00

01:05:34.000 That'd be a really weird...

01:05:36.000 I can see if you have some Gene Simmons style kiss boots.

01:05:40.000 You know?

01:05:41.000 Call Dr. Love.

01:05:43.000 They call me Dr. Love.

01:05:45.000 With teeth. 1.00

01:05:46.000 Walking through the shit. 1.00

01:05:49.000 Yeah, that was the cause of a lot of disease back in the day. 0.99

01:05:52.000 It was the poor sewer systems and the rotting bodies and all sorts of other things they had to deal with when people died. 1.00

01:05:58.000 Just a river of shit, man. 1.00

01:06:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:01.000 And people would also, especially during times of war, their rivers would get clogged up with bodies.

01:06:07.000 You know, and the bodies would rot. 0.99

01:06:09.000 And then if you drank river water with rotting bodies in it, you'd get sick as fuck and possibly die. 0.99

01:06:14.000 This is why when people say, oh, look, these shootings are happening today. 0.99

01:06:18.000 It's like you used to watch dead, blown up bodies roll by your home.

01:06:23.000 You used to, when you walked outside, you would walk up to your ankles in plague diarrhea.

01:06:29.000 Yeah, it sucks that people are getting shot right now, but it's nothing like what it used to be.

01:06:33.000 It's definitely nothing like what it used to be, but the numbers are so high that it seems like it's never-ending.

01:06:40.000 It's a torrent.

01:06:40.000 Because we're really not supposed to be paying attention to 7 billion people at the same time.

01:06:44.000 That's what I think.

01:06:45.000 Or are we?

01:06:46.000 Or are we?

01:06:46.000 Or is this going to be how we fix it?

01:06:48.000 Is this going to be where people don't get ignored anymore?

01:06:51.000 Where you really have to take and pay attention to the assets of every single human being.

01:06:56.000 Assets meaning you as a person, an asset to civilization.

01:06:59.000 That all of them have to be accounted for.

01:07:01.000 And if they're not, if they feel disenfranchised, that's when you're going to have problems. 0.99

01:07:05.000 When they feel left out and they feel avoided, you're going to have fucking problems. 0.98

01:07:09.000 People don't get the love that they need from the jump. 0.99

01:07:12.000 On top of all the real serious mental illnesses that can plague people that just happen.

01:07:18.000 I knew a dude who went crazy.

01:07:20.000 You remember the dude, the Todd?

01:07:21.000 Do you remember the Todd?

01:07:23.000 You don't remember the Todd?

01:07:24.000 Yes, I actually met him once.

01:07:25.000 The Todd is responsible for me getting into the store.

01:07:29.000 Wow.

01:07:29.000 Because when I was doing...

01:07:31.000 Yes!

01:07:31.000 Remember him?

01:07:32.000 Yes.

01:07:32.000 Friends of Pauly?

01:07:33.000 Great guy, man.

01:07:34.000 He was a comic, and he was on MTV back in the day, and he had been in.

01:07:41.000 And I went up, and I did a spot, and Mitzi... 0.93

01:07:45.000 She gave me non-paid regular status, which means I could go on after the show was over.

01:07:49.000 So I would go there every night and wait until 1 o'clock in the morning and get on.

01:07:53.000 It was alright.

01:07:54.000 It was better than nothing.

01:07:55.000 I was happy to have that.

01:07:56.000 But then I got a second chance to audition for her a couple months after that, and the Todd sat next to her on purpose and just laughed and laughed, and he kept slapping the table and saying that I was funny.

01:08:07.000 Because sometimes Mitzi needs to hear from other people too.

01:08:09.000 She's like, he's brilliant!

01:08:11.000 I mean, I was half the same material I did three months before.

01:08:14.000 But I was better then, I'm sure.

01:08:16.000 I'd gotten more comfortable with being at the store, and I'm sure I was nervous the first time.

01:08:20.000 Also, I think she also had her ear to the ground. 0.89

01:08:22.000 And if you were coming in there every night, she knew it.

01:08:25.000 Like, she knew it.

01:08:26.000 And she knew that was, like, part of a sign that somebody had potential.

01:08:30.000 I think it was more than just that instantaneous watching thing.

01:08:33.000 I think it's a combination of, like...

01:08:34.000 Sort of, but Todd actually set me hip that that's been used before, and he told me that that's the way I should get my friends in, too.

01:08:41.000 So that's what I started doing.

01:08:43.000 When McGuire did it, I sat right next to Mintzy and laughed hard at McGuire.

01:08:48.000 Anybody who ever was performing for her, I would make sure I sat right next to her and laughed hard. 0.99

01:08:54.000 Man, was that not the weirdest fucking thing, sitting next to Mitzi and then watching the comics come up and literally bow to her? 0.87

01:09:01.000 Comics would come up old school cult leader guru style, bow down, touch her, try to touch her, and she would do the Mitzi waveoid. 1.00

01:09:12.000 You remember that?

01:09:12.000 Yeah, the Mitzi waveoid.

01:09:14.000 Get him out of here.

01:09:15.000 Okay, okay, honey, I'm watching a show.

01:09:18.000 Are you talking about Todd Rendren?

01:09:20.000 No.

01:09:21.000 Who's that?

01:09:21.000 He's a musician.

01:09:22.000 Why are we talking about him?

01:09:24.000 What are you talking about?

01:09:24.000 No, he was from MTV back then.

01:09:25.000 Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

01:09:29.000 You want me to say about Todd Rundgren?

01:09:31.000 He was married to the chick.

01:09:34.000 The Todd.

01:09:36.000 The Todd.

01:09:37.000 What's Tyler's...

01:09:38.000 Steven Tyler?

01:09:39.000 His daughter.

01:09:40.000 Oh, Liv Tyler?

01:09:41.000 Liv Tyler's mother was living with that dude.

01:09:47.000 Okay.

01:09:49.000 And the mother took her to see Aerosmith.

01:09:53.000 And Lou Tyler turned around and told the mother, that's my father.

01:09:56.000 For years they had Razor thinking it was Todd Rundgren.

01:09:59.000 But it was really Steven Tyler, but she wanted her to figure it out.

01:10:02.000 True story, bro. 1.00

01:10:03.000 Todd Rundgren's a bad motherfucker. 0.99

01:10:05.000 He's got some badass jam. 1.00

01:10:07.000 You've heard his jam.

01:10:08.000 What is his songs?

01:10:11.000 I don't know.

01:10:12.000 I wish we could play some.

01:10:14.000 Yeah.

01:10:14.000 You can't.

01:10:14.000 Just look up the names of what Todd Roderick did.

01:10:17.000 The fuck you can. 1.00

01:10:17.000 The fuck you can, dude. 1.00

01:10:18.000 If they can prove that you're making money off of it, you absolutely can't. 1.00

01:10:21.000 One thing, one thing.

01:10:22.000 I think there's something called fair use.

01:10:24.000 How does it work?

01:10:26.000 I think that if you...

01:10:27.000 Listen to Duncan.

01:10:28.000 He ain't got no legal experience.

01:10:30.000 Yes, he does. 1.00

01:10:30.000 This is some stoner bullshit. 1.00

01:10:33.000 Yeah, don't listen to me! 1.00

01:10:35.000 This is some stoner bullshit coming. 1.00

01:10:36.000 I smell it. 1.00

01:10:37.000 Fair use.

01:10:38.000 I smell hay.

01:10:39.000 Farts.

01:10:39.000 I heard that if you're making a commentary over a thing, there's some kind of area where it is okay to reprint stuff, but it's not in...

01:10:49.000 Really?

01:10:50.000 And I think you can do like...

01:10:51.000 There's seconds.

01:10:52.000 You can do like 10 seconds or something.

01:10:54.000 It's all worked out.

01:10:55.000 That's interesting.

01:10:57.000 I wish we could release the Ice House Chronicles.

01:10:59.000 We were talking about what I feel is the greatest guitar solo in the history of music.

01:11:06.000 Freebird. 0.98

01:11:07.000 I don't think anything can fuck with Freebird. 0.98

01:11:09.000 And we were playing Freebird, and we were just getting into the song about how crazy it was. 0.99

01:11:13.000 There's these dirty, stinky, long-haired dudes from Florida who are making this insane music, and all their songs were about getting away from girls. 0.99

01:11:22.000 All their songs. 0.99

01:11:23.000 Like, a huge percentage of their songs are like, I gotta be free.

01:11:27.000 They call me the breeze. 1.00

01:11:28.000 I'm out the door, bitch. 1.00

01:11:29.000 You take care. 1.00

01:11:30.000 They call me the breeze. 1.00

01:11:31.000 All their fucking songs are about getting away. 1.00

01:11:34.000 Give me two steps. 1.00

01:11:35.000 I mean, everything is like, I gotta get the fuck out of this town. 1.00

01:11:38.000 This shit got crazy. 1.00

01:11:39.000 What's your name? 1.00

01:11:40.000 I'll be back next year.

01:11:41.000 It's so funny that we're writing songs about this ancient evolutionary thing encoded in our genetics, which is that you want to put as much DNA into as many people as you can.

01:11:51.000 But now people are actually...

01:11:53.000 Probably monkeys would sing the same song if they could.

01:11:58.000 Any kind of primate is kind of stuck in that awful predicament of having a genetic predisposition to spray jizz into as many...

01:12:08.000 Holes as possible.

01:12:09.000 It's just in there.

01:12:11.000 And then also the need to like start a family and love someone and be monogamous.

01:12:16.000 That's one of like the great internal wars that is raging around the world right now.

01:12:22.000 It's people trying to figure out how to deal with it.

01:12:24.000 How to reconcile those two.

01:12:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:25.000 How do you reconcile that shit? 1.00

01:12:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:27.000 Well, it's also I think there's a certain amount of conflict that It sort of ensures movement.

01:12:34.000 It ensures a lot of activity.

01:12:37.000 And when you have two systems that are dueling it out, one trying to dominate the other, one trying to find a way through, whether it's through certain new words they introduce into the lexicon or the language, whether it's how they interact with each other.

01:12:56.000 But what they're trying to do is everyone's trying to get a little bit ahead.

01:12:59.000 Men are trying to get a little bit ahead of women. 1.00

01:13:01.000 Women are trying to get a little bit ahead of men. 1.00

01:13:03.000 Women who feel suppressed will try to suppress others. 0.99

01:13:05.000 Men who feel suppressed will try to do the same.

01:13:07.000 And there's this crazy battle going on.

01:13:11.000 And I think it's almost like designed that way.

01:13:13.000 Well, it's a culture of dishonesty.

01:13:15.000 Don't forget you're not allowed to say these things.

01:13:17.000 But it's also the culture that produces the most stuff creatively.

01:13:21.000 It's very strange.

01:13:23.000 Yeah, I think that's a very positive spin on it, man. 0.98

01:13:25.000 I should say right now, that's not to discount any of the Europeans, Japanese, Asians, whatever, all the people all over the world that do creative shit. 0.79

01:13:33.000 But there's no denying the fact that the United States is responsible for an insane amount of influential pop culture. 0.86

01:13:43.000 From the 1950s to the present, Yeah.

01:13:46.000 Insane amounts.

01:13:47.000 Of course the Europeans, of course the Beatles and the Stones, and of course the Who, of course.

01:13:54.000 There's no denying that there was a million of them from the UK as well. 0.98

01:13:57.000 But when you count in stand-up comedy, when you count in music, all different kinds of music, there's a lot of weird shit that came out of the United States. 0.94

01:14:06.000 But do you think that's... 0.98

01:14:07.000 You're saying that that's coming from...

01:14:10.000 It's almost like there might be something to that.

01:14:13.000 The need to conquer. 0.97

01:14:15.000 The need to conquer the crazy genetics that led to these people being willing to get in ships and go halfway across the fucking world in a boat with fucking barrels of food that might be enough for everybody to eat and you might not get scurvy and you don't even have a fucking video that you can watch of what this place where you're gonna try to live in looks like and you're going over there with your kids. 1.00

01:14:34.000 Those are savages. 1.00

01:14:35.000 Those people were fucking crazy. 1.00

01:14:37.000 So you have that. 1.00

01:14:39.000 You have the legacy of these people.

01:14:41.000 And that's a part of it.

01:14:42.000 Like this desire to just move forward.

01:14:46.000 They're willing to take the most risks in order to get to America in the first place.

01:14:49.000 You're right.

01:14:50.000 The people who came over here to, I guess, support your argument.

01:14:54.000 Many of the people who came over here were some of the... 0.77

01:14:57.000 Most sexually repressed people on earth because they were hardcore Christians. 0.84

01:15:02.000 This is like the scarlet letter. 0.98

01:15:04.000 This is like the body was something to be reviled.

01:15:08.000 I don't know if it's the repression that brings inspiration.

01:15:15.000 I've never been in a...

01:15:17.000 You know what?

01:15:18.000 Maybe it is, though.

01:15:19.000 Because I can think of times where you're super horny or lonely, and that does produce...

01:15:26.000 Think about music, man.

01:15:27.000 Where's music coming from?

01:15:28.000 Where's the greatest music coming from? 1.00

01:15:30.000 It's coming from fucking pain, man. 1.00

01:15:32.000 Coming from fucking pain. 1.00

01:15:34.000 The blues, baby. 1.00

01:15:36.000 Oh, man.

01:15:36.000 There's some classic songs.

01:15:38.000 You're My Favorite Mistake.

01:15:40.000 You ever heard that Sheryl Crow song? 1.00

01:15:42.000 God damn. 1.00

01:15:43.000 Tremendous guitar. 1.00

01:15:44.000 First of all, god damn that bitch could sing. 1.00

01:15:46.000 She had this like soft, warm voice that's like a hug that you get through your ears. 1.00

01:15:51.000 It's like this loving voice that she has.

01:15:53.000 And she's talking about this relationship that's just falling apart and that you're my favorite mistake.

01:15:59.000 And you hear the emotions and the love through her voice.

01:16:04.000 You gotta have pain to feel that, man.

01:16:06.000 You gotta have pain to understand it.

01:16:08.000 You gotta have pain to be able to relate to it.

01:16:11.000 You've gotta have experienced that. 0.96

01:16:12.000 If you're some fresh-faced pup who's never skid his knee and never had a family member die, you don't know what the fuck the possibilities of the world are. 0.93

01:16:21.000 You can't appreciate the full spectrum because you don't know how low the lows can get. 1.00

01:16:26.000 Your lows are pretty fucking high. 0.81

01:16:27.000 So when you do hit a low, it makes you appreciate the days that are high. 0.98

01:16:32.000 You know, I was just reading this book called Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism and it's by this Tibetan monk named Chogyam Trungpa who was just writing about this thing that you're saying and he was saying disappointment.

01:16:49.000 Disappointment is one of the great states to be in for growth and for spirituality because disappointment means you're having a contact with truth.

01:17:00.000 It generally means you're having a contact with truth.

01:17:02.000 Something has gone against your expectation, which is how the universe works, and then you find yourself in what he describes as like just the rocky terrain of truth.

01:17:11.000 So now the relationship that you thought might work out, but you knew it wouldn't, it didn't.

01:17:15.000 Or your mom has died.

01:17:17.000 Or you just put your dog to sleep.

01:17:20.000 Now you're experiencing reality.

01:17:21.000 You're experiencing the fact that you are in a maelstrom of atoms that will inevitably dissipate into nothingness. 0.99

01:17:28.000 And that is a really intense fucking place to be in. 0.94

01:17:32.000 But he doesn't say stay in a place of disappointment. 0.98

01:17:35.000 He says that to move past that place into the next place, which is the incredible peace and joy that comes from recognizing that you're part of this infinite, non-ending Changing, beautiful thing, you've got to recognize the first part,

01:17:52.000 which is you're not going to last.

01:17:54.000 Nothing's going to last.

01:17:55.000 No one you know is going to survive this thing.

01:17:58.000 Everything that you've ever said will be lost in time.

01:18:01.000 We are all part of an infinite, shifting, changing thing, and what's causing you the problems It's your desire to hold on to a form.

01:18:11.000 To hold on to the idea of this is who I am.

01:18:13.000 This is how things are always going to be.

01:18:15.000 This is going to last forever.

01:18:16.000 That conception will always cause you pain.

01:18:19.000 If you have a hangover?

01:18:20.000 No.

01:18:21.000 If you're having a terrible trip and you start thinking, Freaking out forever, man!

01:18:26.000 That will only make the trip worse.

01:18:28.000 And if you're with someone you love and you think, I'm going to be with this person forever, you're setting yourself up for some pretty severe disappointment.

01:18:34.000 Because you won't.

01:18:35.000 And so, that disappointment that comes from realizing that, that's the place where you start growing.

01:18:41.000 Hare Krishna.

01:18:42.000 I just got disappointed.

01:18:43.000 Why are you freaking me out, Dr. Trussell? 1.00

01:18:45.000 You're fucking with me, Dr. Trussell. 1.00

01:18:46.000 You're fucking with my head, Dr. Trussell. 1.00

01:18:48.000 I walked in here, the sun was out. 1.00

01:18:50.000 I don't think we all need it. 0.95

01:18:52.000 There's an old expression that a wise man learns from the mistakes of others, a fool learns from his own. 0.94

01:18:58.000 I don't know if we need to have massive fucking chaos for people to understand and appreciate how cool life can be, but it helps. 0.99

01:19:08.000 And the people that I know that are the most interesting all had fucked up lives. 0.99

01:19:11.000 All of us. 0.99

01:19:12.000 All had fucked up lives. 0.99

01:19:14.000 Nobody here in this room was on the Brady Bunch. 0.99

01:19:16.000 Well, it gets you out there, man.

01:19:18.000 It's like, you know, you always hear about people who get cancer.

01:19:21.000 And then all of a sudden, they're skydiving.

01:19:25.000 They're, like, running from the bulls.

01:19:26.000 They're doing anything they want. 1.00

01:19:28.000 They're fucking guys, right? 0.99

01:19:30.000 They're telling the truth. 0.99

01:19:31.000 They're telling the truth.

01:19:32.000 And that's really...

01:19:34.000 I think that's a tragic thing in the sense that for people to actually start appreciating their existence, they have to be dying.

01:19:43.000 You know, dying is within a year.

01:19:46.000 We're all dying.

01:19:46.000 But it's like suddenly when you wake up to the fact that you're dying, that's when you actually are born.

01:19:51.000 And a lot of people don't get that.

01:19:53.000 Yeah, there's that wake-up call.

01:19:54.000 There's that reality check. 1.00

01:19:57.000 When this is the real game, this is the real shit, man. 0.99

01:19:59.000 And you're really affecting people. 0.99

01:20:01.000 Well, it's so easy to get complacent.

01:20:03.000 It's so easy to just get lazy. 0.75

01:20:05.000 It's so easy to just look at life and not appreciate the fuck out of this crazy ride we're on. 0.83

01:20:09.000 Especially us.

01:20:10.000 We're on the craziest ride of all.

01:20:13.000 The ride of the professional comedian.

01:20:15.000 We get drugs from the audience.

01:20:18.000 We tell jokes and they give us drugs.

01:20:20.000 Like the drug of laughter.

01:20:21.000 That's a drug.

01:20:22.000 We're all addicted to it.

01:20:23.000 The drug of killing... 1.00

01:20:25.000 You know, man, I think it's a crazy ride, but I think if you have been blasted out of a pussy onto this planet, you're having a crazy ride. 1.00

01:20:34.000 Everyone. 1.00

01:20:35.000 There's no way to not have a crazy ride.

01:20:38.000 Joey Diaz just yawned and Brian put it on camera.

01:20:41.000 Why are you talking to me about rides behind Trussell?

01:20:45.000 I'm going to ride back home to my bed. 1.00

01:20:46.000 You keep talking, cocksucker. 1.00

01:20:49.000 Bro, fuck you. 1.00

01:20:50.000 You two fucking hippies. 1.00

01:20:51.000 You just started smoking weed a week ago. 1.00

01:20:53.000 He would say that for the first, like, ten years.

01:20:56.000 Joe Rogan, you've been smoking weed for a year.

01:20:58.000 You've been smoking weed for two years.

01:20:59.000 Joe Rogan, you've been smoking weed for three years. 1.00

01:21:01.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:21:03.000 Joe Rogan, it's only been ten years. 1.00

01:21:04.000 You don't even know about weed yet.

01:21:06.000 Four more years, then you understand the nuance, the subtleties.

01:21:09.000 Thirty years. 1.00

01:21:10.000 The fucking S's, the buttois of the weed. 1.00

01:21:12.000 Fifty years. 1.00

01:21:13.000 Rogan, it's been fucking half your life. 1.00

01:21:15.000 There's a whole half of your life you did without weed, so shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:21:19.000 You did. 1.00

01:21:19.000 Yeah, it's amazing what you did do without the weed. 1.00

01:21:22.000 Like, now they shut it off for a while.

01:21:24.000 God help.

01:21:25.000 Let's see what would really happen.

01:21:26.000 God praise Eddie Bravo.

01:21:28.000 Praise Zeus and praise Odin for Eddie Bravo.

01:21:30.000 Because if it wasn't for him, I would have never started smoking weed.

01:21:32.000 Right. 0.99

01:21:32.000 I thought it was for losers. 0.99

01:21:34.000 That'd be so weird to see the difference in your life. 0.97

01:21:36.000 Yeah, I'd probably be way more aggro.

01:21:38.000 It's a beneficial substance, man.

01:21:41.000 And that's the real problem that I have with people that want to go on and on about people who are addicted to it.

01:21:46.000 I love Dr. Drew.

01:21:47.000 I think he's a good person.

01:21:48.000 I really do. 0.96

01:21:49.000 But whenever I hear him talk about people being addicted to weed, I'm like, let's get all those people that are addicted to it in a room and find out what the fuck else is going on. 0.76

01:21:56.000 I guarantee you, you shouldn't blame weed.

01:21:59.000 It's not a physically addictive thing.

01:22:02.000 I always feel something.

01:22:03.000 I always feel that You have an addictive personality.

01:22:06.000 You know, we've discussed when you were on The Kong.

01:22:08.000 What's the name?

01:22:09.000 Quake.

01:22:10.000 And you were dropping this on me.

01:22:12.000 And I'm like, where's this coming from, Joe?

01:22:14.000 And you were like, dog, you don't know?

01:22:15.000 I used to leave you guys at the store.

01:22:17.000 I'd go home.

01:22:18.000 I'd play until 7 in the morning.

01:22:19.000 And for people to recognize that, that's where the gift comes in. 0.99

01:22:24.000 Because somebody would write that off, like that's just what he does every fucking night. 0.95

01:22:28.000 And it's weird how I've always believed, especially for me, it's always been the transfer of addictions. 0.94

01:22:36.000 Okay, and at the end of the game, here's the simplest way to solution. 0.88

01:22:40.000 If you're gonna have a fucking night addiction, you might as well let it be the cheapest and the less harmful. 0.97

01:22:47.000 And in my eyes, it's always been the weed. 0.99

01:22:49.000 You know, it makes me better at night when I write.

01:22:52.000 It calms me down to daytime. 0.99

01:22:55.000 You know, whatever I make it believe that it does, it fucking does. 0.95

01:22:59.000 Yeah, but it's not a make-believe thing, man. 0.98

01:23:00.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:23:01.000 I know you.

01:23:01.000 I see what happens when you get high.

01:23:04.000 Well, first of all, I never see you sober.

01:23:06.000 No, you see me sober.

01:23:07.000 Three times.

01:23:08.000 No, you see me sober.

01:23:09.000 I documented them.

01:23:09.000 I wrote them down.

01:23:10.000 I believe Joey Diaz is sober.

01:23:12.000 And I look at his pocket.

01:23:13.000 He's got empty Chibachew wrappers.

01:23:15.000 Chibachew.

01:23:16.000 I might be incorrect.

01:23:17.000 Sober is a relative term.

01:23:20.000 But it's really weird.

01:23:21.000 Sometimes I go, you know what?

01:23:22.000 Monday I'm not going to smoke nothing or eat nothing.

01:23:25.000 And by Tuesday, it's not like I'm jonesing.

01:23:27.000 I'll just find myself with a joint at 5 in the afternoon when I'm writing something.

01:23:32.000 But I like it. 0.99

01:23:33.000 Guys, out of all the addictions, whether it's going to strip clubs, drinking, gambling, I could have been hooked on a thousand fucking things. 0.99

01:23:41.000 We ended up with reefer. 0.98

01:23:42.000 I enjoy it as a ritual.

01:23:44.000 I enjoy it as a ritual before I write.

01:23:47.000 I enjoy it as a ritual before we do podcasts.

01:23:50.000 I like it as a ritual.

01:23:51.000 I like it.

01:23:52.000 It signifies that we're going to shut off our phones and get into this space.

01:23:56.000 Right.

01:23:57.000 Whether it's the space of doing stand-up or the space of writing or the space of doing a podcast.

01:24:00.000 I like it in that way.

01:24:02.000 But I also like the effects.

01:24:03.000 The effects are undeniable, man, for me.

01:24:06.000 That introspective aspect of it that you talked about earlier is so important.

01:24:10.000 Very important.

01:24:11.000 I've been talking about it on stage, the term paranoia.

01:24:14.000 You know, the people are like, I don't like weed, it makes me paranoid.

01:24:17.000 I'm like, you really should be paranoid if you're paying attention.

01:24:20.000 You really want to just open yourself up to all the possibilities.

01:24:23.000 It's insanity out there. 0.80

01:24:25.000 Everywhere you go, you're a bag of blood. 0.98

01:24:28.000 A fleshy bag that's holding a couple of gallons of blood. 1.00

01:24:32.000 And if any of it spills out, you're fucking doomed. 0.99

01:24:34.000 And you're running around in metal boxes. 0.99

01:24:36.000 Everybody's flying by going 60 plus miles an hour. 0.98

01:24:40.000 They don't know what the fuck they're doing. 0.99

01:24:42.000 They're running over motorcycles. 1.00

01:24:43.000 You see that shit in New York? 1.00

01:24:44.000 You see that shit? 1.00

01:24:46.000 In front of his kid. 1.00

01:24:47.000 Well, hey, there was some craziness that went on.

01:24:50.000 I don't know who started what or who did what, but I know that that dude ran over a guy on a bike.

01:24:54.000 I'm going to bet it was the bikers.

01:24:56.000 Could have been.

01:24:57.000 However, how he handled it might have been incorrect also.

01:25:01.000 I don't know.

01:25:02.000 What happened?

01:25:02.000 The guy got, apparently someone slowed down in front of him and he bumped the bike.

01:25:08.000 And then the guy stopped his bike. 0.99

01:25:10.000 And the assumption is that the guy did it on purpose being a dick. 0.98

01:25:14.000 And he was trying to box in this guy in the truck and make him slow down. 0.95

01:25:16.000 We also don't know what their interaction was before this video started.

01:25:21.000 We don't know if this had been going on for a while.

01:25:23.000 Like maybe the biker panicked and cut someone off.

01:25:26.000 The biker was an Asian driver. 0.65

01:25:27.000 I'm not saying that Asian drivers are terrible. 0.98

01:25:32.000 But a lot of Asian drivers are terrible. 1.00

01:25:34.000 Are we in agreement on this? 0.98

01:25:36.000 Yeah, but that doesn't mean a gang of bikers. 0.99

01:25:38.000 It's not that all of them are terrible, but that is the goddamn stereotype. 0.99

01:25:42.000 And I'm not saying that this guy's responsible. 1.00

01:25:44.000 That's the goddamn stereotype. 0.99

01:25:46.000 It's like 99.9%. 1.00

01:25:47.000 It's the goddamn stereotype. 0.99

01:25:48.000 I've never heard that. 0.99

01:25:49.000 And it's not 100% true, of course.

01:25:51.000 Just like it's not 100% true that all Italians beat their wives.

01:25:54.000 And me being Italian, I can say that.

01:25:57.000 But the reality is, is that this guy, in the video, drives over, they're yelling at him, and he drives over this bike and drives over a guy and broke his body. 0.99

01:26:08.000 I mean, the guy, he drove over him with a fucking SUV. I don't know if that had to have happened. 0.97

01:26:13.000 I don't know.

01:26:14.000 I don't know what happened before that.

01:26:16.000 I certainly think it's a terrible tragedy on both ends, that the guy in the car got beat up and that the guy got ran over.

01:26:21.000 It's a terrible tragedy, but...

01:26:24.000 Besides my horrible racist Asian joke, which I apologize for profusely, I was just joking around and making a point, but I don't know what happened.

01:26:31.000 I really don't know what happened.

01:26:33.000 So what I'm looking at, I look at a guy who drove over somebody, and then I looked at another guy who went insane and beat the guy's window in while he has a baby in the car.

01:26:41.000 So to me, it says tragedy on both sides.

01:26:44.000 It's a tragedy.

01:26:45.000 It's a tragedy of overreacting on both sides, for sure.

01:26:50.000 A horrible tragedy. 1.00

01:26:51.000 Yeah, it sucks. 0.99

01:26:52.000 Horrible tragedy that the guy got pulled out of his car and beat up. 0.99

01:26:55.000 Horrible tragedy that...

01:26:56.000 Did the guy get pulled out of his car and get beat up?

01:26:57.000 He got pulled out, he got beat up, he got cut up.

01:26:58.000 Slashed his face.

01:26:59.000 Yeah.

01:27:01.000 Well, there was all this glass that broke, too, because the guy broke the window.

01:27:04.000 He's breaking the window with his helmet.

01:27:06.000 He's smashing the window with his helmet.

01:27:08.000 The whole thing's crazy.

01:27:09.000 They threw a spike strip out.

01:27:11.000 Did they really?

01:27:11.000 That's what I read.

01:27:12.000 What's a spike strip?

01:27:14.000 Popped his tires.

01:27:15.000 Who threw it out?

01:27:16.000 The bikers.

01:27:17.000 They had a spike strip on them?

01:27:18.000 That's what I read.

01:27:18.000 Okay, you are not Googling this.

01:27:20.000 You're not even trying to substantiate this.

01:27:22.000 Google it.

01:27:22.000 Okay, I will pull it up.

01:27:23.000 Okay, bikers threw down spike strip. 1.00

01:27:25.000 Okay, here we go.

01:27:26.000 You know, I'm watching this, and I'm thinking, you know, you, your wife, your kid... 1.00

01:27:30.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:27:31.000 I know. 1.00

01:27:32.000 There was tinted windows, so they might not be able to see that this guy had his wife and his kid in the car.

01:27:41.000 It doesn't say that, Duncan.

01:27:43.000 I read it.

01:27:46.000 And did it have license plates on that thing?

01:27:50.000 Biker brawl.

01:27:52.000 They popped his tires.

01:27:53.000 That's why he couldn't keep going.

01:27:54.000 No, apparently someone stabbed his tire.

01:27:57.000 That was one of the...

01:27:58.000 Oh, maybe that's what I read.

01:27:59.000 One of the...

01:28:00.000 That's not real, Brian.

01:28:01.000 You can't trick me. 1.00

01:28:02.000 I know what a video game looks like, you fuck. 1.00

01:28:03.000 It looks pretty goddamn good, though. 1.00

01:28:05.000 Look how good that looks. 0.81

01:28:06.000 Isn't that amazing?

01:28:07.000 Like, the textures of the road.

01:28:08.000 It's so beautiful.

01:28:10.000 Oh, show the time lapse.

01:28:11.000 Have you seen that?

01:28:12.000 The time lapse of Grand Theft Auto?

01:28:13.000 I'm so fascinated.

01:28:14.000 I'm never going to get into this game.

01:28:15.000 I cannot do it because it looks like it's too good.

01:28:19.000 Have you not played it at all?

01:28:20.000 No, I know me, man. 1.00

01:28:22.000 I don't fuck around. 1.00

01:28:23.000 I know me. 1.00

01:28:23.000 I'm crazy. 1.00

01:28:24.000 What about this?

01:28:25.000 Oculus Rift thing and Quake. 1.00

01:28:26.000 Like I said, I know me, bitch. 1.00

01:28:28.000 Quake is supposed to be Oculus Rift friendly. 0.97

01:28:30.000 I feel like at all the things... 0.99

01:28:32.000 I'm allowing myself, at all the things that get me crazy addicted, I'm allowing myself to just fuck with pool. 0.99

01:28:38.000 Because pool is... 0.99

01:28:40.000 I think I get something out of it that I don't get out of video games.

01:28:43.000 I get a body calmness, because it's all about...

01:28:47.000 Meditating on the distance that the ball is going to go and calming yourself down and putting yourself into a very sensitive state where you're playing.

01:28:54.000 I don't get that from video games.

01:28:56.000 So when I looked at it objectively, I'm like, like Joey said, you got addictions, you know, you got to pick which is the best one.

01:29:02.000 And for me, the best one is pool.

01:29:03.000 This is a time lapse.

01:29:04.000 Come to your own thing.

01:29:05.000 Yeah.

01:29:06.000 How nice is it to go to a...

01:29:09.000 I mean, I don't even like nice pool halls. 0.99

01:29:12.000 If I'm going to go to a pool hall, I want to see it for what it is, but I don't want stupidity. 0.99

01:29:16.000 Like hard times? 0.99

01:29:17.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:29:17.000 You ever go to hard times with me?

01:29:19.000 You ever been to hard times?

01:29:19.000 No, no, no.

01:29:20.000 Where have we gone?

01:29:21.000 We went to the old Hollywood Billiards, which was awesome.

01:29:23.000 Right, we went to the place in New York City.

01:29:25.000 God, I miss that place.

01:29:26.000 10 years ago, 20 years ago.

01:29:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:29:28.000 In Manhattan, then we went somewhere else.

01:29:31.000 That was Chelsea. 1.00

01:29:32.000 We went to Chelsea Billiards.

01:29:33.000 That was Chelsea Billiards after...

01:29:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:29:37.000 Chelsea Billiards after...

01:29:38.000 I think it had already changed names.

01:29:39.000 Chelsea Billiards was the legendary place.

01:29:41.000 Sometimes you'll see me wear this jacket.

01:29:43.000 It's like a varsity jacket.

01:29:45.000 It says Chelsea Billiards in the back.

01:29:46.000 You've seen that.

01:29:47.000 At all-time great pool halls for pool hustlers in action, that's the greatest, or one of the greatest, next to hard times in California, one of the greatest in the history of the world.

01:29:57.000 That place was a 24-hour pool hall. 0.92

01:30:00.000 Where half the people in there, you'd go at 3 o'clock in the morning, half the people in there were vagrants that could rob you.

01:30:05.000 I mean rob you playing pool.

01:30:06.000 They could get out. 0.99

01:30:08.000 Homeless dudes who knew how to fucking get out. 1.00

01:30:10.000 They knew how to play safe. 1.00

01:30:11.000 They knew how to fuck you up. 1.00

01:30:12.000 They would get you on those tables, especially what they would call a gaff table. 0.99

01:30:15.000 There's a table where one pocket rolls to the right, and if you know that pocket rolls to the right, you could put someone in a position where they don't think they can make the ball, but they can, and you know it. 0.97

01:30:24.000 Little shit things like you can scratch on shots where you don't think you can. 0.95

01:30:27.000 If you know a table, especially what they call a gaff table, it's huge. 0.99

01:30:31.000 Very important if you're a pool player.

01:30:33.000 Home team advantage.

01:30:34.000 They would just rob people.

01:30:35.000 They would rob people.

01:30:36.000 But there was also really high stakes gambling between high level pros too.

01:30:41.000 Really interesting stuff to watch. 0.97

01:30:42.000 Both the drunks getting robbed by the hustlers and then the real big sharks come in and they would match up and put the money on the light and You know, you're in the middle of fucking New York City, dude.

01:30:54.000 It's 4 o'clock in the morning and dudes are playing for $10,000. 0.99

01:30:57.000 And when you're a kid and you're watching that, you know, it's some exciting shit. 0.93

01:31:01.000 That was a part, for me, it was like being a part of this really rare underground society that I knew was not going to last very long. 0.93

01:31:09.000 I'm like, this crazy 24-hour pool hall life where people are players and they're gambling and they're bringing their own money and they're matching up and barking at each other.

01:31:17.000 You ain't got no heart.

01:31:19.000 That's a crazy underground world.

01:31:21.000 These guys were making a living paying their bills completely off the grid.

01:31:24.000 No taxes.

01:31:25.000 No taxes.

01:31:26.000 Stop, stop, stop. 1.00

01:31:27.000 I'm staying at this fucking boarding house down the street. 1.00

01:31:30.000 I'm in a house with 10 other dudes. 0.99

01:31:32.000 I got my pool cue.

01:31:33.000 I put it under my blanket when I sleep.

01:31:35.000 I get up in the morning and I go down to Chelsea.

01:31:37.000 And you're like, whoa.

01:31:38.000 These guys were living there.

01:31:40.000 They were getting an education in this gangster life at this 24-hour pool hall.

01:31:44.000 I know several dudes who got arrested while I was playing there.

01:31:47.000 One dude who was a three-card money champion. 0.99

01:31:49.000 He was a bad motherfucker at three-card money. 0.98

01:31:52.000 He's a slick Puerto Rican dude. 1.00

01:31:53.000 He would go out and just have all these dumb white people from Nebraska that had never been to New York City before. 1.00

01:31:58.000 And he would be doing this three-card money shit. 1.00

01:32:00.000 And this was all before the internet. 0.98

01:32:01.000 And they couldn't, you know, there were a Come on, right up here, sir.

01:32:04.000 You look like a winner.

01:32:05.000 You look like you know how to play a game, my friend.

01:32:07.000 Come on over here, dawg.

01:32:08.000 How much money you got on you, my friend?

01:32:09.000 My friend, where you from?

01:32:10.000 You got a beautiful suit.

01:32:11.000 That's a beautiful suit.

01:32:13.000 Is that Armani?

01:32:14.000 What is that, bro?

01:32:15.000 Yo, that's beautiful.

01:32:16.000 Hey, listen, man.

01:32:17.000 This is a game called Three Car Armani.

01:32:18.000 We just like to have a little fun here in New York City, especially people coming for the first time.

01:32:21.000 No, they're showing it to you.

01:32:22.000 It's real simple.

01:32:22.000 They're showing it to you.

01:32:23.000 Here it is.

01:32:24.000 Here's the thing.

01:32:25.000 Real simple.

01:32:25.000 And now they're giving it to you, Duncan.

01:32:27.000 They're giving it to you.

01:32:27.000 Guess it.

01:32:28.000 I'll give you a couple free ones.

01:32:29.000 Guess it.

01:32:29.000 There it is.

01:32:30.000 Bam! 0.98

01:32:30.000 There you go. 0.98

01:32:31.000 You would have just won some money.

01:32:32.000 And all of a sudden, there's a partner next to him.

01:32:34.000 So how do we do it?

01:32:34.000 You see the partner getting closer to him.

01:32:36.000 Yeah, I got the black thing right. 0.73

01:32:38.000 He had a P. And Duncan, he's showing it to you.

01:32:40.000 And the next thing you know, Duncan, it all goes to hell.

01:32:43.000 Well, there's the cups and there's also three-card money.

01:32:45.000 There's the cups where you're trying to figure out who is far.

01:32:46.000 Well, whatever.

01:32:47.000 There's three-card money.

01:32:47.000 All of a sudden, the 20 goes down.

01:32:49.000 And the guy wins.

01:32:51.000 And the next 20 goes down again, and the guy doubles his money.

01:32:55.000 And that's it.

01:32:56.000 Now he gets the guy from Nebraska to come in and throw 40, and he even wins.

01:33:00.000 And the wife is like, do it again, do it again, because everybody wants to come to New York. 1.00

01:33:04.000 You ever seen a guy try to walk away with the one victory?

01:33:07.000 Yo, they will attack you.

01:33:09.000 So what they do is, they get that table going.

01:33:12.000 This is a table, Duncan.

01:33:13.000 So right there, they'd have two guys sucked in and one of their own.

01:33:16.000 So you'd be working with me.

01:33:18.000 And you're 20, you'd be doubling up.

01:33:20.000 You already won 120. But I know I got three people in the audience that I'm hypnotizing.

01:33:25.000 That I'm letting them know they're going to win.

01:33:26.000 They just come to New York. 0.88

01:33:27.000 You know what?

01:33:28.000 I got $200 in my pocket.

01:33:30.000 If I double it, that's $400.

01:33:31.000 I mean, this is how you're thinking right there.

01:33:33.000 This is a do or die situation.

01:33:34.000 And all of a sudden, right there, when they got you, boom, the black, bam! 1.00

01:33:38.000 They take up $1,200, the Puerto Rican yells to the police, and they take their money, and three tourists are like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:33:44.000 And they're gone. 0.99

01:33:45.000 Just happened.

01:33:46.000 Hey! 0.99

01:33:46.000 And the guy's got a carton, like a bottom of a carton for cans, and he just throws it up in the air, and that's it. 0.99

01:33:51.000 That's their residence.

01:33:52.000 It's a carton. 1.00

01:33:53.000 The three cups are gone, and the beans in their fucking mouth, and they're walking on the street, and there ain't no fucking cops. 0.99

01:33:58.000 And they're all gone in different directions. 0.99

01:34:00.000 And that's it.

01:34:00.000 And now they hook up again, and I will lay it at the same place, and they do that same scam again.

01:34:04.000 They would do that five times, make six grand.

01:34:07.000 That's how good it was.

01:34:08.000 I got caught in one one day with a buddy of mine.

01:34:10.000 They took me for a 20. The guy was yelling at me.

01:34:13.000 Next thing you know, the guys I was with laid out 20 apiece.

01:34:16.000 Bam! 0.98

01:34:16.000 60 bucks. 0.98

01:34:17.000 And next thing you know, boom, the police.

01:34:19.000 They blow a whistle.

01:34:20.000 What's going on here?

01:34:21.000 The cops, everybody runs.

01:34:24.000 They got your money. 1.00

01:34:26.000 Fucking tremendous, man. 0.99

01:34:28.000 You know, when you made that turn on 42nd Street, it was, when you were 13 or 12, it was something that, Ari says that when you walk around today, you walk past people. 0.99

01:34:40.000 You know, and all of a sudden, under their breath, they'll go, weed.

01:34:44.000 And like five feet, you look around, they look at you, and all of a sudden, they come back up to you.

01:34:48.000 It was completely different.

01:34:49.000 When you cut that corner on 42nd Street, Duncan, you'd hear every drug in the world.

01:34:55.000 Weed, marijuana, THC, joints, loose joints, acid, acido.

01:35:01.000 Because that's acid in Spanish.

01:35:03.000 Acido. 0.99

01:35:04.000 Fucking acido. 1.00

01:35:05.000 Fucking marijuana, heroin, cocaína, perico. 1.00

01:35:11.000 If I was stupid rich, like Bill Gates rich, I would buy Chelsea Billiards and I would reinstate it. 1.00

01:35:19.000 I would bring it back. 1.00

01:35:21.000 I'd make it 24 hours a day.

01:35:22.000 I'd make it the last bastion of the pool house.

01:35:24.000 Is it open? 0.99

01:35:25.000 It's like some faux pool hall now where they have red cloth and fucking shiny lights and they play horrible music that makes you want to throw up. 0.98

01:35:34.000 If you go to a pool hall and not play in classic rock, turn around. 0.99

01:35:38.000 Turn around and leave.

01:35:40.000 Just if you walk in, if you don't hear some Leonard Skinner, some Aerosmith, if you don't hear Sweet Home Alabama, get out of there. 0.99

01:35:47.000 Because they got red cloth, and you're playing on buckets, and no one's leveled these fucking tables. 0.99

01:35:52.000 It's a disaster. 0.99

01:35:53.000 It's not a real pool. 1.00

01:35:54.000 And the only dinner you can get is an old hamburger or a fucking bag of fries. 0.99

01:35:58.000 The place that I used to play at in White Plains, New York got turned into a disco. 0.99

01:36:04.000 It's basically a disco now.

01:36:05.000 It was executive billiards.

01:36:07.000 Executive billiards in White Plains.

01:36:09.000 Right down the street from Nicky's Pizza.

01:36:10.000 The greatest white pizza the earth has ever known. 0.99

01:36:13.000 If you want to get off your gluten-free diet, go to fucking White Plains, New York. 0.99

01:36:17.000 Go to Nicky's Pizza and get the white pizza. 0.99

01:36:19.000 It's got white cheese on it, ricotta cheese with garlic and olive oil. 1.00

01:36:23.000 And it will knock your dick right into the cat litter box. 1.00

01:36:26.000 It's unfucking believably good. 1.00

01:36:30.000 That sounds bad. 0.99

01:36:31.000 It's better than dick in the dirt. 0.99

01:36:34.000 I was struggling for a metaphor. 1.00

01:36:35.000 Dick in a cat litter box. 0.98

01:36:37.000 That sounds bad. 1.00

01:36:37.000 It's better than your dick in a pile of cat shit and piss. 1.00

01:36:40.000 Those crumbs sticking to the tip of your helmet. 1.00

01:36:44.000 The place was a great place back in the day, in the 90s.

01:36:48.000 That was the spot.

01:36:49.000 Pool hustlers would come in from all over the world. 0.98

01:36:52.000 They would make stops in New York.

01:36:54.000 If they were in the New York area, there were a few places they would play.

01:36:57.000 One of them was they would always check in an executive.

01:37:00.000 My buddy owned the place, so he'd be on the phone.

01:37:03.000 They'd get a call in the middle of the day. 0.99

01:37:06.000 He's polishing balls and shit, and he'd get a call that Jake the Snake is in town. 1.00

01:37:11.000 You know, there's this dude, Jake the Snake, who played One Pocket, and you'd come down, and, you know, they would call George the Greek, this guy wants to play One Pocket, and he'd say, this motherfucker's got no heart! 1.00

01:37:20.000 And then everybody would meet up at the pool hall at like 10 o'clock at night, and you'd see the dude practicing, knocking balls around the table, like, oh shit, it's going down. 0.99

01:37:27.000 And they would put this big stack of money, and there was this guido gangster dude who was always there, who had a gun, just in case somebody tried to rob a steak. 0.99

01:37:34.000 It was a fucking crazy place to be a part of. 0.99

01:37:37.000 Sounds cool. 1.00

01:37:38.000 Oh, it was fucking... 0.99

01:37:39.000 It was Runyon-esque. 1.00

01:37:40.000 It was a movie.

01:37:41.000 I mean, it was like a crazy movie about the Depression, except there was no Depression.

01:37:47.000 It was just going to diners and watching guys gamble their life away, and me being a visitor in the world.

01:37:53.000 I was not really a player.

01:37:54.000 I couldn't play that good.

01:37:56.000 I played okay.

01:37:57.000 Like, for a regular person, I played amazing.

01:37:59.000 But for these guys, I would play, and I would always lose, and I've never...

01:38:03.000 I won like one or two tournaments ever.

01:38:05.000 Most of the time I would lose.

01:38:06.000 I'd have to get really lucky to win.

01:38:08.000 So I got the chance to see these people who lived entirely off of this one crazy game.

01:38:13.000 That's all they did. 0.99

01:38:14.000 All they talked about was the different conditions of the cloth and what kind of chalk are you using and what fucking tip have you got. 1.00

01:38:21.000 You got a sniper on this motherfucker? 1.00

01:38:22.000 When did you get this sniper? 1.00

01:38:23.000 Is that better?

01:38:25.000 Everybody's trying to constantly figure out an edge.

01:38:27.000 Because they're playing a game where their life, whether they eat or not, whether they go hungry, whether they have money for a hotel room, is all based on...

01:38:37.000 Fractions of an inch.

01:38:38.000 Whether a ball rolls slightly to the left too far or bumps the other ball and gets in the perfect position. 0.98

01:38:44.000 The fucking differences between those things are the tiniest fraction on the cue ball of where you hit it. 0.96

01:38:50.000 And they're obsessed with it, obsessed with the movements and just trying to live off those movements. 0.99

01:38:56.000 That gives me an anxiety attack.

01:38:59.000 It's madness!

01:39:01.000 But it's also beautiful.

01:39:02.000 When you watch it done right, it's an art form.

01:39:04.000 That's what people don't understand about the game. 0.98

01:39:06.000 When people say, oh, you're fucking boring, you talk about pool, it's just so fucking boring. 0.96

01:39:10.000 To me, it's not. 0.99

01:39:12.000 Trust me.

01:39:14.000 It's one of those things, when you appreciate it, when you know how difficult it is to do, then it becomes an art form.

01:39:20.000 Like StarCraft.

01:39:21.000 Exactly.

01:39:22.000 When you talk about StarCraft, I go blank.

01:39:25.000 Because I have no point of reference.

01:39:27.000 I don't understand the game.

01:39:28.000 I've never tried to...

01:39:29.000 I'm terrified of it.

01:39:30.000 I see you. 0.99

01:39:31.000 I see you fucking start sweating when you talk about it. 0.99

01:39:34.000 I see your face starts sunken in like your body's trying to conserve water. 0.99

01:39:38.000 I've quit.

01:39:38.000 Because you know you're not going to be...

01:39:39.000 Your body...

01:39:40.000 You say Starcraft and your body goes into like the hibernative state where it knows it's not going to get nutrition for the next six hours.

01:39:45.000 You really stay here for three days, don't you?

01:39:47.000 What?

01:39:47.000 You would stay here for three days.

01:39:48.000 I quit.

01:39:49.000 I didn't quit because of the addiction.

01:39:50.000 I quit because they demoted me to Bronze League again.

01:39:52.000 What? 1.00

01:39:53.000 I'm not dealing with that shit anymore. 1.00

01:39:55.000 I'm like number 75 in Bronze League. 1.00

01:39:57.000 I'd made it up to the silver.

01:39:59.000 Listen, man, your ego reveals you, my brother. 0.99

01:40:02.000 Why do you give a fuck if you're in Bronze League? 1.00

01:40:03.000 Because it's you being Bronze League, Joe. 0.99

01:40:06.000 It's an insult.

01:40:06.000 I wouldn't even be in Bronze League.

01:40:08.000 I'm getting beaten by toddlers.

01:40:09.000 I would be in aluminum.

01:40:11.000 I would be in scrap aluminum.

01:40:12.000 It means I'm playing against fourth graders who are crushing me.

01:40:16.000 That's alright.

01:40:17.000 At least you're playing against somebody.

01:40:19.000 Why are you ageist?

01:40:20.000 It's a young man's sport. 1.00

01:40:21.000 You're an ageist, patriarchal asshole. 1.00

01:40:24.000 Your male ageist privilege is showing. 1.00

01:40:28.000 You basically hate women. 0.99

01:40:31.000 Put it in your blog. 0.99

01:40:32.000 I don't care. 0.99

01:40:32.000 You basically hate women. 0.99

01:40:33.000 I'm going to have to blog about you, Duncan Trussell. 1.00

01:40:35.000 You hate women and you're an ageist. 0.98

01:40:37.000 I love women. 1.00

01:40:38.000 I hate Bronze League.

01:40:40.000 I don't say I love women. 1.00

01:40:41.000 You know what I say?

01:40:42.000 I love nice women. 1.00

01:40:44.000 I don't say I love men either. 0.99

01:40:45.000 There's a lot of men that are cunts. 1.00

01:40:47.000 A lot of men suck. 1.00

01:40:49.000 Remember when we were talking about Bigfoot? 1.00

01:40:50.000 Somebody actually killed them.

01:40:51.000 They didn't just kill one...

01:40:52.000 No, don't show that!

01:40:53.000 That's a spoiler! 0.60

01:40:55.000 Don't spoil it, dude!

01:40:56.000 That's a spoiler! 0.60

01:40:56.000 Hey, don't spoil it. 0.60

01:40:58.000 Duncan thinks it's important to not spoil it.

01:41:00.000 I'm not looking at it.

01:41:01.000 Show it to me offline. 1.00

01:41:03.000 Oh, you son of a bitch. 1.00

01:41:04.000 Brian doesn't even care. 1.00

01:41:05.000 This is insubordination.

01:41:06.000 If this was any other company, if he was working for any other company besides the Death Squad affiliated company like the Freak Party...

01:41:12.000 Sit right here.

01:41:13.000 He gets him. 1.00

01:41:14.000 I don't give a fuck, bro. 1.00

01:41:15.000 I don't want to see him shoot Bigfoot. 1.00

01:41:16.000 Bigfoot's probably a man.

01:41:17.000 Oh, look.

01:41:18.000 He's so sad. 1.00

01:41:20.000 Shoot me, human. 1.00

01:41:22.000 Yeah, that is sad. 0.99

01:41:23.000 Let's put something happy to balance this out.

01:41:25.000 Pull up the Godzilla trailer.

01:41:28.000 Dude, they have Oppenheimer quoting the Bhagavad Gita.

01:41:31.000 Ah!

01:41:32.000 It's brilliant.

01:41:33.000 Find it.

01:41:34.000 You've got to find it.

01:41:34.000 It's on Dailymotion.

01:41:35.000 It's on my Twitter.

01:41:36.000 If you go to my Twitter, it's one of the most recent posts.

01:41:38.000 But it's the trailer for the new Godzilla. 0.99

01:41:40.000 And oh, motherfucker, does this look good. 0.98

01:41:43.000 I can't wait to see it. 0.99

01:41:44.000 I got a three-quarter staff just watching the first ten seconds of the trailer.

01:41:48.000 I didn't even know it was out.

01:41:48.000 I was just like, oh, they're doing it right.

01:41:50.000 They're doing it right.

01:41:51.000 It's not out.

01:41:52.000 Apparently, it's a concept.

01:41:53.000 And they're building it right now.

01:41:55.000 But it's a Warner Brothers...

01:41:56.000 What did he say?

01:41:57.000 A property? 1.00

01:41:58.000 Check this shit out, son. 1.00

01:42:00.000 Are you giving... 1.00

01:42:02.000 Full attention?

01:42:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:42:14.000 Look at this shit. 1.00

01:42:21.000 We're looking at smashed buildings. 1.00

01:42:23.000 You can find it online, folks.

01:42:25.000 You can't stop the internet.

01:42:26.000 You can't take pee out of the ocean.

01:42:29.000 Tower 7. I don't know why they're trying to remove this for some reason.

01:42:34.000 Like, it's on YouTube sites, it's pulled down.

01:42:36.000 You know what that is? 0.96

01:42:37.000 That's some ancient dumbass thinking. 0.99

01:42:39.000 That's some executives that don't get. 1.00

01:42:41.000 Show us this, motherfucker! 1.00

01:42:48.000 Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds. 1.00

01:43:13.000 Listen, if that doesn't get your dick hard, move to France. 1.00

01:43:16.000 Alright? 1.00

01:43:17.000 Just go. 1.00

01:43:18.000 Get the fuck out of America. 1.00

01:43:20.000 If that doesn't get your dick hard, quit. 1.00

01:43:22.000 Meanwhile, Japanese invented Godzilla. 1.00

01:43:26.000 By the way, this is a parody of a really racist, nationalistic American.

01:43:31.000 It comes out in 2014. That looks so fucking good. 0.99

01:43:34.000 Well, just the attitude that they have in creating that clip. 0.98

01:43:37.000 You've got Oppenheimer talking about the Bhagavad Gita.

01:43:40.000 Oppenheimer, for folks who don't know, is the guy who was the most critical aspect.

01:43:45.000 The Manhattan Project was a huge project, obviously.

01:43:47.000 But the most critical aspect was Oppenheimer. 0.99

01:43:50.000 He's credited as being the guy who figured out how to make a fucking atomic bomb. 0.97

01:43:55.000 Yeah, that is an incredible verse, man. 0.99

01:43:58.000 I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

01:44:01.000 That is so badass.

01:44:03.000 Dude.

01:44:04.000 That's really cool.

01:44:05.000 Yeah, that's going to be intense.

01:44:08.000 So, Bigfoot's dead, and there you go.

01:44:10.000 There's a bunch of people who say they've found Bigfoot this week. 0.98

01:44:14.000 There's a new video of Bigfoot, and we won't even show it because I'm not going to fucking insult you. 1.00

01:44:18.000 The shit is ridiculous. 1.00

01:44:19.000 That's not it, dude. 1.00

01:44:20.000 This is more...

01:44:21.000 That ain't even Bigfoot. 0.95

01:44:22.000 Bigfoot doesn't have titties like that. 1.00

01:44:24.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:44:25.000 Is this Grand Theft Auto? 1.00

01:44:26.000 Oh, Bigfoot's got a mask. 0.99

01:44:28.000 This is fucking a huge spoiler, dude. 0.99

01:44:30.000 Why would you do that? 0.99

01:44:32.000 Brian, that's so rude.

01:44:33.000 I hope somebody actually just used the Grand Theft Auto engine to create that and it wasn't real.

01:44:37.000 This is the sleeping Bigfoot.

01:44:39.000 And it's a female. 0.80

01:44:40.000 How do they know it's a female? 1.00

01:44:41.000 Well, they smell this pussy. 1.00

01:44:42.000 They smell their pussy a mile away. 1.00

01:44:44.000 It smells like a tuna that got hit with a musket. 1.00

01:44:46.000 It's fucking lying out there in the middle of the woods. 0.99

01:44:48.000 What do you think it sounds like? 1.00

01:44:50.000 It must be a female. 1.00

01:44:52.000 A male can't smell that fishy.

01:44:54.000 What is that?

01:44:55.000 This is a piece of...

01:44:56.000 Baby Bigfoot. 1.00

01:44:58.000 Shit that they found. 1.00

01:44:59.000 Yeah, that's mountain lion shit. 1.00

01:45:00.000 It's got elk hair in it. 1.00

01:45:01.000 Dumb cunts. 1.00

01:45:02.000 I'll tell you right now. 1.00

01:45:02.000 I've only been hunting for a year. 1.00

01:45:03.000 I can tell you what the fuck that is. 0.98

01:45:05.000 I might be wrong, by the way. 0.99

01:45:06.000 I'm very confident.

01:45:07.000 Don't mistake that for being accurate.

01:45:10.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:45:11.000 This is ridiculous. 1.00

01:45:13.000 Well, these people are crazy as fuck. 1.00

01:45:14.000 Todd Disotel, who's a professor at NYU, who we had on that podcast. 0.99

01:45:20.000 If there's one thing that we answered on the Joe Rogan questions everything, it's not whether or not Bigfoot is real, but it's whether or not the evidence that has been purported to be Bigfoot DNA is...

01:45:33.000 Has been acquired in the most non-contaminated way?

01:45:37.000 And that answer is clearly no.

01:45:39.000 There's not a direct chain of command between finding this and documenting the fact these guys wore rubber gloves, they had masks on, they picked this up with tweezers. 0.94

01:45:48.000 When you find human DNA, it's amazing how easy it is for humans to get DNA on shit now. 0.89

01:45:54.000 They can get DNA. If you sneeze, if you breathe, if you touch something with your sweaty skin, You get human DNA on things. 0.98

01:46:02.000 It's incredible how sensitive these pieces of equipment are. 1.00

01:46:05.000 So when you get some fucking piece of shit that a hunter found in the woods, this is a Squatch turd! 1.00

01:46:10.000 Squatch came by, shit on my elk carcass! 1.00

01:46:13.000 You don't know what the fuck happened before that thing got to you. 1.00

01:46:16.000 And when you start testing it, it's very irresponsible scientifically. 0.97

01:46:20.000 So whether or not these people are telling the truth, I believe they are.

01:46:23.000 I believe they really believe that it's a Bigfoot turd. 0.98

01:46:25.000 Whether or not, or hair, or whatever the fuck they claim they have, or many pieces of evidence they claim they have. 0.98

01:46:30.000 The real problem is all of them have been extracted from the crime scenes unscientifically. 1.00

01:46:36.000 So me, as executive producer, Duncan Trussell's co-host of Joe Rogan Questions Everything, we say, go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:46:44.000 That shit ain't real, son. 1.00

01:46:45.000 That's a fucking chick with a Sasquatch costume on? 1.00

01:46:48.000 You say that. 1.00

01:46:49.000 I really don't think anyone thinks it's real, though.

01:46:51.000 Even the news, when they showed it on the news, they were like, oh, here we go again.

01:46:54.000 Oh, that's not true.

01:46:55.000 I saw some dummies that were being interviewed that seemed like they really believed in it.

01:46:59.000 That's so cool.

01:46:59.000 There was a few dummies that really acted like they believed in it.

01:47:02.000 I don't know the answer, man.

01:47:04.000 That's what I learned from the show. 0.99

01:47:05.000 I have no fucking idea. 0.98

01:47:07.000 And anytime I think I know something, it always turns out to be something wrong. 0.98

01:47:13.000 And generally, if I let myself just be in the state of not knowing, things get a lot more interesting anyway.

01:47:19.000 I don't know if there's a Bigfoot.

01:47:20.000 There could be a Bigfoot anywhere.

01:47:22.000 There could be underground.

01:47:23.000 They could live in the earth like hornets in a hive.

01:47:26.000 You know what's more likely than Bigfoot?

01:47:28.000 Is that little tiny person thing?

01:47:30.000 That orange pen deck?

01:47:32.000 Sure.

01:47:32.000 That's more likely.

01:47:33.000 They found these motherfuckers 14,000 years old, Joey. 1.00

01:47:36.000 Three feet tall, hobbit dudes. 1.00

01:47:38.000 They had spears.

01:47:39.000 They might have actually found them on the island of Flores.

01:47:44.000 They're called the Homo floriensis or something like that.

01:47:48.000 They were alive 14,000 years ago. 0.98

01:47:51.000 That ain't shit. 0.97

01:47:51.000 And they have legends about these little people who could fly. 0.97

01:47:54.000 Or they rode birds or something.

01:47:56.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

01:47:57.000 How about those giant fucking- They figured out how to fucking kidnap eagles. 1.00

01:48:00.000 How about those giant wasps? 1.00

01:48:02.000 Insane. 0.79

01:48:02.000 Killing people in China. 0.79

01:48:04.000 And by the way, this was like a week after we were talking about wasps on a podcast with Josh Barnett.

01:48:09.000 Josh Barnett's obsessed with wasps.

01:48:11.000 How crazy gangster wasps are. 1.00

01:48:13.000 And they could just fucking, they kill everything. 1.00

01:48:15.000 They kill tarantulas. 1.00

01:48:16.000 There's videos of wasps fucking up tarantulas. 0.98

01:48:18.000 Because wasps can keep stinging. 0.92

01:48:20.000 Have you ever been stung by a wasp?

01:48:21.000 They can kill you.

01:48:22.000 No, I haven't. 0.89

01:48:22.000 I have. 0.89

01:48:23.000 It is awful.

01:48:24.000 The ones you're seeing, these Chinese ones or Japanese ones, these are giant. 0.94

01:48:28.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:29.000 These are enormous wasps.

01:48:30.000 Their stingers are like hypodermic needles, man. 0.99

01:48:33.000 They're just punching holes in Chinese people. 1.00

01:48:35.000 Well, they're the size of a small mouse. 1.00

01:48:37.000 Look at that.

01:48:37.000 It's the size of a handle.

01:48:38.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:48:39.000 Look at the size of that guy's hand or girl's hand. 1.00

01:48:41.000 Gal.

01:48:42.000 Should we say gal?

01:48:42.000 I don't want to offend anybody.

01:48:44.000 You can say las.

01:48:44.000 Lass.

01:48:45.000 Young maiden.

01:48:46.000 I think it's a dude.

01:48:47.000 It looks like a dude.

01:48:48.000 I hope whoever they are, they're not sensitive.

01:48:52.000 I'm so tired of people being so needy.

01:48:56.000 Can you imagine getting swarmed by one of those things?

01:48:59.000 Well, they've killed 42 people and injured 160 plus in China over the past few months. 0.99

01:49:05.000 Well, they don't know what's going on, but they're fucking huge. 0.99

01:49:08.000 I know what's going on. 0.98

01:49:09.000 A portal's opened up to hell, and those things are climbing out of it.

01:49:13.000 The apocalypse is a slow-moving event.

01:49:15.000 It's glacier-like.

01:49:16.000 It's not like an asteroid.

01:49:18.000 The apocalypse.

01:49:20.000 There's no apocalypse. 1.00

01:49:21.000 Listen, cocksucker, you wanna smell my ass? 1.00

01:49:23.000 That's the apocalypse. 1.00

01:49:25.000 I'll pull my pants down. 0.99

01:49:26.000 I'll unleash that In-N-Out double-double in your face. 1.00

01:49:30.000 Speaking of the fucking apocalypse, man, I got a fucking Oculus Rift waiting in my house right now. 1.00

01:49:35.000 Don't panic. 1.00

01:49:36.000 Don't get sweaty.

01:49:37.000 I gotta get back.

01:49:37.000 You're sweaty, man.

01:49:38.000 Why are you sweaty?

01:49:39.000 You're not going anywhere.

01:49:40.000 You're hanging out to the end of this podcast.

01:49:42.000 Where am I going?

01:49:43.000 There's people that are listening to this that depend on you.

01:49:45.000 Don't be so selfish.

01:49:46.000 Don't get caught up in the wave of selfishness that is addiction.

01:49:50.000 I wasn't going to abandon...

01:49:51.000 Oh, it's not addiction.

01:49:52.000 It's going into an alternate universe.

01:49:56.000 That's not addiction.

01:49:57.000 I want to see Skyrim in 3D. Wow.

01:50:04.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:50:05.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:50:06.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:50:06.000 Those are so big. 1.00

01:50:08.000 There's a photo of a guy or a gal with four of these giant hornets.

01:50:13.000 You really do need to know if it's like a Shaquille O'Neal sized hand or if it's like a...

01:50:19.000 Baby's hand.

01:50:20.000 Yeah, small...

01:50:21.000 Let's put all these hornets in our baby hands. 1.00

01:50:32.000 D.C. Trussell, what happened?

01:50:35.000 What did I miss? 0.97

01:50:37.000 Are you taking those babies and getting them killed by hornets in your game? 0.98

01:50:41.000 You can't. 0.57

01:50:42.000 There's no game like that.

01:50:43.000 Not yet.

01:50:44.000 If you had one, though, if you had a baby that was alone in the crib, like the mom was on meth and the mom fell asleep in the game and was right next to the baby, passed out, but a window opened up and a hornet figured out its way through, would you allow all the hornets to come in and kill the baby just so you could see what it would be like?

01:50:57.000 This is like...

01:50:58.000 What was that movie with Harrison Ford?

01:51:03.000 Not Total Recall.

01:51:04.000 Blade Runner.

01:51:05.000 These are the questions you ask an android to make him start malfunctioning.

01:51:09.000 That's exactly what I'm doing.

01:51:11.000 I'm trying to figure you out.

01:51:11.000 A turtle's laying on its back.

01:51:12.000 Its legs are waving in the air.

01:51:14.000 I'm trying to figure out whether the...

01:51:17.000 A tortoise.

01:51:18.000 What's a tortoise?

01:51:19.000 It's a turtle.

01:51:20.000 I'm trying to figure out whether the uncomfortable moments and the animosity that you face in your life has turned you irreversibly towards the dark side.

01:51:30.000 I'm trying to figure out whether they can seduce you to the Force.

01:51:33.000 You are saying that if I was to let Hornets attack a digitized baby, I would be evil?

01:51:39.000 Well, that you would want to experience that.

01:51:41.000 What about if you had the options between Hornets and a slew of bikini pageant contest entrants blowing the kid?

01:51:52.000 Let me tell you something, man.

01:51:54.000 Have you ever played Fallout 3?

01:51:55.000 No.

01:51:56.000 The game where you wander through the apocalypse in Fallout 3?

01:52:01.000 Well, there's a mission in Fallout 3 where there's a little, like, commune of orphans who are living in some kind of cave.

01:52:08.000 One of the missions is, and in part of this world, there's like a compound of slavers.

01:52:16.000 So you can bring them people, you can sell people to slavery there. 0.97

01:52:20.000 And one of the missions built into this game is you go into that fucking compound of kids, kidnap one, and bring it back to these slavers to do whatever the fuck they're gonna do to the kid, and they give you some weird special executioner's mask that gives you powers. 0.99

01:52:36.000 And that's encoded into the fucking game. 0.99

01:52:38.000 So, that's what's weird about video games, is there's this like... 1.00

01:52:42.000 People will do awful shit in video games. 0.99

01:52:46.000 You would too. 1.00

01:52:46.000 Oh, fuck yeah, I would. 1.00

01:52:48.000 That's why I wouldn't do it. 0.99

01:52:49.000 No, I wouldn't do that.

01:52:50.000 In a video game.

01:52:51.000 I probably would on, you know, like...

01:52:55.000 If I had an option, if you could pick who you'd want.

01:52:59.000 If you could take a public figure.

01:53:02.000 Think of someone who really annoys you.

01:53:04.000 Don't even mention a name. 0.96

01:53:06.000 Let's just take some horrible foreign dictator type character. 1.00

01:53:10.000 Some Coney.

01:53:11.000 Whatever happened to Coney? 0.98

01:53:13.000 Boy, is there a fucking cause that went away any quicker than that Coney 2012 thing? 1.00

01:53:18.000 All you gotta do is whip your dick out and run around the street beating off, and then it doesn't matter how many babies die in Africa. 1.00

01:53:25.000 Everybody's like, this topic is over. 1.00

01:53:27.000 He went to Oprah.

01:53:29.000 Did he?

01:53:29.000 He won't open, didn't he?

01:53:31.000 He became a Christian and shit. 1.00

01:53:32.000 Well, the guy was in the middle of the fucking street beating off in San Diego. 1.00

01:53:36.000 The guy who started this organization and put the whole thing together. 0.99

01:53:39.000 See if you can find that video, Brian.

01:53:41.000 It was caused by stress?

01:53:42.000 Whatever it's caused by. 0.99

01:53:43.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:53:45.000 There's a lot of kinds of stress in this world. 0.99

01:53:47.000 There's one type of stress. 0.97

01:53:49.000 It's called fighting off the gay. 1.00

01:53:51.000 DCT in the house.

01:53:55.000 What did you think when this whole thing went down, this guy got arrested, and he was beaten off in the middle of the street?

01:54:00.000 See, that makes sense, right?

01:54:01.000 Totally makes sense.

01:54:02.000 No, I thought it was something even deeper than that, man.

01:54:04.000 I thought it was some kind of attack from the guy in mind on him, because he was ripping people off.

01:54:09.000 I don't know if he was for sure, but I was suspicious of him.

01:54:12.000 And so I thought that it had reached this psychic magnitude of negativity just swirled down on them and temporarily exposed them to the world.

01:54:23.000 And this is somebody that maybe isn't reliable or somebody that you shouldn't be sending money to.

01:54:28.000 I don't know exactly how they were using the money that they were getting, but I know with a great many charities, legally they only have to...

01:54:36.000 There he is.

01:54:36.000 Look at him.

01:54:37.000 You're totally right, by the way.

01:54:39.000 I hate to interrupt you there.

01:54:40.000 But you're totally right.

01:54:41.000 This is him walking around naked and the old man behind him.

01:54:44.000 They're in San Diego. 0.99

01:54:45.000 It's all like ex-military and shit down there. 1.00

01:54:47.000 They're like, son of a bitch. 1.00

01:54:49.000 I starved in the beaches of Iwo Jima. 1.00

01:54:51.000 And you fucking cocksucker running around my neighborhood showing your dick to my wife, I'll fucking kill you. 1.00

01:54:56.000 But this is something... 1.00

01:54:57.000 You're right, though.

01:55:00.000 What is that?

01:55:04.000 It's about this.

01:55:05.000 It's about this?

01:55:06.000 Yeah, it's South Park's song about this.

01:55:07.000 Oh, South Park had a song about it?

01:55:09.000 It's called Whacking It in San Diego.

01:55:11.000 By the way, have you watched this season of South Park? 1.00

01:55:13.000 Brilliant shit, man. 0.99

01:55:14.000 I gotta get back on the South Park horse. 1.00

01:55:16.000 I heard they're going after everybody.

01:55:20.000 God bless them.

01:55:22.000 God bless them.

01:55:22.000 When there's someone like South Park that has that kind of power, the way they use it is so just.

01:55:27.000 Yes. 0.98

01:55:27.000 They wield the fucking almighty sword of retribution, of comedy, of ethics. 0.98

01:55:35.000 They're just right. 0.99

01:55:36.000 They're right so many times.

01:55:38.000 I never disagree with them. 1.00

01:55:40.000 Cut to them shitting on me. 1.00

01:55:42.000 Did you see the Book of Mormon? 1.00

01:55:44.000 I loved it.

01:55:45.000 Yeah, I saw it.

01:55:45.000 I haven't seen it yet.

01:55:46.000 I want to see it.

01:55:47.000 It's great.

01:55:47.000 I mean, I'm not into musicals, so for me to love it, it shows how good it was.

01:55:51.000 I hear it's amazing.

01:55:52.000 It's really fun.

01:55:53.000 Yeah, I was way lit when I went to see it, too.

01:55:56.000 It's a really interesting thing that they're so prolific.

01:56:02.000 They do that show every week, and somehow or another they manage to find time to develop not just a musical, but a really good one.

01:56:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:56:09.000 And it just makes you go, God, I'm such a lazy bitch. 1.00

01:56:12.000 Ugh. 0.99

01:56:14.000 As Duncan thinks about how much time Oculus Rift is going to chew out of his life. 1.00

01:56:18.000 Shit, that's the thing, man. 1.00

01:56:19.000 You know, I understand the lazy bitch theory, but fuck. 1.00

01:56:23.000 What are we supposed to be doing on this planet if not burrowing into the imagination and digitally experience alternate realities? 0.99

01:56:31.000 Something that for the first time in human history has happened.

01:56:34.000 It's a brand new experience.

01:56:36.000 What am I supposed to do? 0.99

01:56:37.000 Go to some fucking pool hall and bet 15 bucks? 0.99

01:56:40.000 Show ideas. 1.00

01:56:40.000 Let him know what the fuck's wrong with what he just said. 1.00

01:56:42.000 I have no idea. 0.97

01:56:43.000 I have no fucking idea because I'm looking at him and I know he's a brilliant dude, so you'll go home right now and when will you be outside in daylight again? 0.81

01:56:53.000 The truth, because I know there's times years ago where you'd disappear. 0.96

01:56:56.000 Depends on if there's daylight in the Oculus Rift land that I visit.

01:57:02.000 So if you set it up tonight, you shut your phone up, lock the door, hide the window.

01:57:07.000 Cut to new headlines.

01:57:09.000 Young gamers finding Oculus Rift makes their body produce vitamin D without the sun!

01:57:16.000 It actually triggers that you don't need sunlight. 0.99

01:57:19.000 Listen, you first worlders are all stuck on your fucking sun and the light. 1.00

01:57:23.000 When will you see the sun again? 1.00

01:57:25.000 When will you see light?

01:57:26.000 It's all about...

01:57:26.000 Look at this guy.

01:57:27.000 Yeah.

01:57:28.000 That's...

01:57:28.000 And his omnidirectional treadmill.

01:57:30.000 I gotta get one of those. 1.00

01:57:31.000 Do you know who wants to fuck that guy, though? 1.00

01:57:32.000 No one. 1.00

01:57:33.000 No one wants to fuck that guy. 1.00

01:57:34.000 Someone wants to fuck you, Duncan. 1.00

01:57:36.000 Take advantage of that. 1.00

01:57:37.000 Look, see, what does he have on the wall? 1.00

01:57:39.000 Big girl with giant tits that will never have sex with them. 1.00

01:57:42.000 Voluntarily. 1.00

01:57:43.000 Unless her rent is late. 0.99

01:57:45.000 You know man, I think there might be a great many people out there who aren't being fucked at this moment. 0.96

01:57:51.000 Why shouldn't they get to run on a treadmill and experience some magical, weird realm? 0.98

01:57:55.000 I think they should, but I find it shocking that the first incarnations of it involve violence and not sex.

01:58:02.000 The first incarnations of this...

01:58:03.000 No, my friend put on Oculus Rift porn.

01:58:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:05.000 He says that you look down and you see your dick. 1.00

01:58:09.000 Yeah, but what are we looking at right here? 1.00

01:58:10.000 We're looking at violence.

01:58:11.000 This is the Iron Patriot.

01:58:12.000 We're looking at dudes with guns.

01:58:13.000 They're running around.

01:58:14.000 They're hiding behind barrels.

01:58:15.000 They're trying to snipe on people. 1.00

01:58:17.000 They're being assholes. 1.00

01:58:18.000 So, like, you know when you give a squeaky toy to a dog? 1.00

01:58:20.000 Oh, boy, do I. And you realize that that squeak is the sound of an animal dying, and that's why they like the squeak, because that's the sound of an animal.

01:58:28.000 I never thought about that until right now.

01:58:29.000 That's what it is.

01:58:30.000 So, like, you know, your sweet little dog's chewing on this thing.

01:58:34.000 It's squeaking just like an animal would if it were biting it.

01:58:37.000 Well, that's what these games are for humans.

01:58:39.000 They're squeak toys.

01:58:40.000 They, like, let humans experience the, you know, aggressive side that exists in all people.

01:58:46.000 You know, there's this thing where people are always shocked, like, to think that we're using this for violence.

01:58:51.000 But it's like, look what we are.

01:58:53.000 I think it's cathartic.

01:58:54.000 Yeah, it's cathartic.

01:58:55.000 I think it's cathartic and it helps people, you know, get out aggression or just experience, like, you know, bizarre states of being. 0.98

01:59:05.000 Joey, you don't fuck with games, period. 0.96

01:59:07.000 You've never fucked with games except pool when you were at the bar when you were a young kid? 0.99

01:59:12.000 I'm a... 0.98

01:59:13.000 What's... 0.99

01:59:15.000 I don't even know the fucking name of it. 1.00

01:59:17.000 The maze and shit. 1.00

01:59:19.000 The maze? 1.00

01:59:20.000 Yeah.

01:59:20.000 Crossword puzzles?

01:59:21.000 Pac-Man.

01:59:21.000 Pac-Man?

01:59:22.000 I'm a Pac-Man dude.

01:59:25.000 Ms. Pac-Man is apparently better. 0.72

01:59:26.000 In Hollywood, these machines now, what they do with these machines now, they've taken all those games. 0.97

01:59:32.000 They put Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-Man, the one with the missiles, the ones that start from scratch, all that shit. 1.00

01:59:39.000 I watch Pawn Stars, too. 0.99

01:59:41.000 I know this. 1.00

01:59:43.000 They fucking sell those games. 0.99

01:59:44.000 So it's amazing. 1.00

01:59:45.000 Somebody always has one.

01:59:46.000 They sell it to a bar.

01:59:47.000 Oh, they have it at Death Squad.

01:59:48.000 The guy that sent those 4K TVs, he sent us one, like a big arcade and it has like 500 games on it.

01:59:53.000 Is that called MAME? Is that what that is?

01:59:55.000 I think it's a MAME tech. 1.00

01:59:56.000 Do you know that people think that I'm a fucking Nazi because of that stupid zombie robot? 1.00

02:00:01.000 People are so stupid. 1.00

02:00:02.000 There's so many people that are like looking to find some sort of crazy conspiratorial connection. 1.00

02:00:08.000 Yeah.

02:00:08.000 Yes.

02:00:08.000 They've decided that because at Bryan's studio at the Ice House, which by the way, I have zero input on how he designs it.

02:00:17.000 He just does it himself.

02:00:18.000 I'm not a control freak. 0.99

02:00:20.000 And Bryan has a fucking zombie that this dude, do you remember Homeboy's name? 0.99

02:00:24.000 Yeah, let me find it real quick. 0.99

02:00:26.000 He makes those for movies.

02:00:28.000 You know, like that movie Dead Snow.

02:00:30.000 Did you see Dead Snow?

02:00:32.000 I don't think I saw it. 1.00

02:00:33.000 Great fucking movie. 1.00

02:00:34.000 Stupid as shit, but great. 1.00

02:00:36.000 And it's all about zombies that were, they were Nazis, and somehow or another they became zombies and got frozen up in the fucking South Pole or some shit, and these people are out there, they're camping out, and the zombies come and get them, the Nazi zombies. 1.00

02:00:49.000 It's hilariously stupid. 0.99

02:00:51.000 So he has one of the zombies from Dead Snow. 1.00

02:00:53.000 It's a fucking movie! 1.00

02:00:55.000 Okay, he's got this zombie at his studio, and I get all these messages from people that are saying, yeah, I always knew that he had a problem with Jews. 1.00

02:01:04.000 That's why he's got a zombie at his studio that has a swastika on.

02:01:08.000 Joey's falling asleep.

02:01:09.000 What?!

02:01:10.000 I'm not falling asleep.

02:01:11.000 I saw you falling asleep.

02:01:12.000 Joey had his eyes closed.

02:01:13.000 He was like this.

02:01:14.000 I'm going to take a nap.

02:01:16.000 You wake up early.

02:01:17.000 Joey wakes up.

02:01:19.000 I'll wake up and look on Twitter, and Joey's been tweeting since 4.30 a.m.

02:01:24.000 When I go to bed, we change off.

02:01:28.000 You ever see that cartoon where there's a sheepdog and the coyote?

02:01:31.000 Yeah.

02:01:32.000 I'm the coyote.

02:01:33.000 He's the sheepdog.

02:01:34.000 We meet.

02:01:34.000 Morning, Frank.

02:01:35.000 Morning, Sam.

02:01:36.000 You did what happened. 1.00

02:01:38.000 Fucking... 1.00

02:01:40.000 I was doing fine today. 1.00

02:01:41.000 The whole day was going great.

02:01:42.000 I stopped at the weed store at about 12.30, 12.15.

02:01:48.000 In the afternoon?

02:01:49.000 Yeah, just now.

02:01:49.000 After you were there last night?

02:01:50.000 No, I wasn't there last night.

02:01:51.000 The night before last you were there?

02:01:53.000 No, no, no.

02:01:53.000 Which night?

02:01:54.000 Tuesday was when I tweeted the thing.

02:01:56.000 I went there this afternoon.

02:01:57.000 I went to the one on Lancashire to lock up.

02:02:00.000 They have edibles and reefer.

02:02:02.000 They got a lot more selection. 1.00

02:02:03.000 The other place just has strong fucking weed. 1.00

02:02:05.000 Right. 1.00

02:02:05.000 This one has pre-rolled joints with dynamite. 1.00

02:02:08.000 We've got edibles that are dynamite and weed that's dynamite.

02:02:11.000 So I go in there this afternoon and the guy goes, hey, I got this new thing I want you to try. 0.99

02:02:16.000 It's a fucking little brownie thing. 1.00

02:02:19.000 And it's just, he goes, these people always have solid stuff. 1.00

02:02:23.000 Tell me what you think.

02:02:23.000 I took a bite out of it and I could tell it was going to be a ride.

02:02:27.000 I could tell.

02:02:28.000 One bite?

02:02:28.000 I took a bite out of it, like a little bite.

02:02:30.000 Yeah.

02:02:30.000 And I'm like, wow.

02:02:31.000 And also it's been hitting me this afternoon, but I'm all right. 0.99

02:02:33.000 These crazy hippies are so inconsistent. 0.98

02:02:35.000 They're so inconsistent with their product. 0.98

02:02:37.000 Like, you'll get a 5X cookie that's not that big a deal.

02:02:40.000 And then you get one that makes you think about everything that went wrong from ages 3 to 6. You'll see it all play out in front of you.

02:02:52.000 Man, I bought one of these chocolate bars and took a little bite of one.

02:02:56.000 A tiny, tiny, tiny little bite. 0.97

02:02:59.000 And I fucking, like, within two hours, I'm like, it was when we were having the heat wave. 0.98

02:03:07.000 I'm so paranoid that I'm like, I'm just going to go fucking jogging. 0.98

02:03:10.000 I'm going to go jogging and try to sweat it out. 0.96

02:03:12.000 I'm running by the LA River, look down, see some guy taking his pants off.

02:03:17.000 Perfect. 1.00

02:03:18.000 Suck his cock. 1.00

02:03:19.000 What did it taste like? 1.00

02:03:19.000 Tasted like river water. 1.00

02:03:21.000 Tasted like God.

02:03:22.000 Tasted like a brownie. 1.00

02:03:24.000 I found the perfect dose for me, edible-wise.

02:03:28.000 It's L.A. Speed Weeds gummy bears.

02:03:30.000 Two gummy bears.

02:03:31.000 Perfect.

02:03:32.000 Right.

02:03:33.000 There's a little confusion when it comes to breast strips.

02:03:37.000 Breast strips are very tricky. 0.99

02:03:38.000 I never go with a full breast strip because you don't know what the fuck. 1.00

02:03:41.000 It can get too scary. 0.99

02:03:43.000 But the gummy bears, for some reason, seem to be pretty consistent.

02:03:46.000 I think it's how they make gummy bears.

02:03:49.000 I don't know, man.

02:03:50.000 Who knows?

02:03:51.000 It's a problem.

02:03:51.000 It's illegal.

02:03:52.000 That's why we have to have this fucking conversation. 0.99

02:03:53.000 Well, you've got to be careful because, you know, a lot of people, they go and get their prescription and then they go next door and buy some marijuana brownies and they think, oh, it's just a brownie. 0.99

02:04:02.000 I'll eat the whole brownie.

02:04:04.000 And then Satan is dragging them by their hair. 1.00

02:04:07.000 No, this brownie kicked my ass a little couple minutes ago. 1.00

02:04:09.000 It has been fucking wrestling with me. 1.00

02:04:11.000 I took one bite of it, but I knew how it was packaged, the whole thing. 0.99

02:04:14.000 These are real.

02:04:15.000 I know these people. 0.97

02:04:16.000 I'm like, wow, this is pretty fucking good. 0.96

02:04:19.000 Yeah, well, you know what? 0.94

02:04:20.000 I think that...

02:04:22.000 It is important. 0.99

02:04:23.000 And people that hear this and go, guys, you guys are talking too much shit about weed and talking about weed, bro. 0.96

02:04:29.000 It really is something that people need to hear. 0.99

02:04:31.000 They really do, unfortunately. 0.98

02:04:32.000 The eating of the brownie can really fucking be psychologically devastating. 0.98

02:04:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:04:36.000 Or the chocolate bar or whatever the fucking thing is. 1.00

02:04:39.000 Any edibles. 1.00

02:04:39.000 Any edibles can really fuck your world up. 1.00

02:04:42.000 Your world up, Jack.

02:04:43.000 Yeah.

02:04:44.000 You gotta be careful.

02:04:45.000 And sometimes, I tell you...

02:04:47.000 Even like I learned with acupuncture, I never get high before I go to acupuncture because it turns into a complete different realm.

02:04:55.000 I feel every needle go into my skin.

02:04:58.000 I feel every needle break the skin.

02:05:00.000 I can hear it.

02:05:02.000 It's like having Spider-Man sense.

02:05:04.000 You can hear it.

02:05:05.000 You can hear the needles.

02:05:06.000 The pop?

02:05:07.000 You can just feel them.

02:05:08.000 The needle correspond with your skin.

02:05:11.000 When I'm not high, I don't feel that.

02:05:14.000 And that's what kills me.

02:05:16.000 That's what stresses me the fuck out. 0.98

02:05:17.000 Once I feel a little bit of pain from the needle, it shoots up to my brain. 0.90

02:05:21.000 If I'm straight, I'm fine.

02:05:23.000 But if I'm stoned, it takes that little bit of pain and does something else with it. 0.99

02:05:27.000 And next thing you know, I'm having a goddamn anxiety attack. 0.99

02:05:29.000 Yeah. 0.82

02:05:30.000 So that's why I gotta be careful with situations like that.

02:05:34.000 Well, it's like I say about bombing. 0.79

02:05:37.000 The best I've ever gotten out of stand-up comedy was when I bombed and realized that I need to fucking make some sort of corrections. 0.83

02:05:44.000 That's the best improvements that I've ever gotten. 0.90

02:05:48.000 It's similar to the feeling that you get when you eat a brownie or whatever and you freak the fuck out.

02:05:54.000 I've been reading this book called The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali.

02:05:58.000 Have you heard of this book?

02:06:00.000 Who's the other?

02:06:00.000 Chakingi?

02:06:02.000 Patanjali.

02:06:02.000 No.

02:06:03.000 It's Patanjali.

02:06:04.000 I didn't know.

02:06:05.000 But they talk about how the mind, how there's a term called vrittis.

02:06:09.000 And vrittis is the term for a wave of thought.

02:06:13.000 And so like your mind is basically all these waves of thought rolling through it, rolling through it.

02:06:19.000 Each of those are a vritti.

02:06:21.000 And those things are sort of created by things in the external world or other thoughts or feelings that come into your mind.

02:06:28.000 So when you get super high, what's happening is you're suddenly amplifying those vrittis.

02:06:34.000 You're seeing these thought patterns that normally are way under the surface. 0.98

02:06:39.000 And those thought patterns are usually shit you've been ignoring. 0.95

02:06:42.000 Like for me, I'll start thinking about like... 0.98

02:06:44.000 You know, like when I had cancer, that would come to my mind. 1.00

02:06:47.000 Like, shit, I'm probably gonna die. 1.00

02:06:49.000 I might die. 1.00

02:06:49.000 This could kill me. 1.00

02:06:50.000 You know, whatever the thing is that you've been trying to ignore or forget about, it just will grab your face and push you right into it.

02:06:57.000 And so the answer is to just embrace that thing.

02:07:01.000 Dissolve into it.

02:07:02.000 Go into it.

02:07:03.000 Go into it.

02:07:04.000 Fly into the...

02:07:05.000 It's like Dante's Inferno.

02:07:06.000 The only way out of hell in Dante's Inferno is by going to the middle and climbing down Satan's leg. 1.00

02:07:12.000 Because Dante never tried to suck Satan's dick. 1.00

02:07:14.000 If you suck his dick, as he comes in your mouth, your brain explodes and you appear in the Garden of Eden with Eden and she hasn't given the apple to the snake yet. 1.00

02:07:24.000 Eden's the stripper that lived in the garden. 1.00

02:07:26.000 Whatever her name is. 1.00

02:07:28.000 That whore. 1.00

02:07:29.000 That was Eve's friend. 1.00

02:07:30.000 It's like a tramp. 1.00

02:07:31.000 They're just some dirty girl who lived there too. 1.00

02:07:34.000 Eden? 1.00

02:07:34.000 Don't talk about her because all she did was just clean her ass. 1.00

02:07:37.000 Who the fuck was Eden? 1.00

02:07:38.000 She had wet, warm towels. 1.00

02:07:40.000 She would just wipe your ass after you shat in the field. 1.00

02:07:42.000 Joey, stop yawning. 1.00

02:07:43.000 Brian, stop putting a video on him. 1.00

02:07:46.000 You're going to change the whole tone of this fucking show. 1.00

02:07:49.000 You son of a bitch! 1.00

02:07:51.000 Jesus! 1.00

02:07:52.000 Joey Diaz, what are you doing this weekend?

02:07:54.000 Making a movie?

02:07:55.000 He's way too high.

02:07:57.000 I got till the 8th on this thing.

02:07:59.000 What is this thing you're doing right now?

02:08:01.000 Your life has changed.

02:08:03.000 No, I always do one of these.

02:08:04.000 Yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah, but yeah. 0.99

02:08:06.000 I was at the fucking storyteller show the other day. 0.99

02:08:09.000 Your life has changed. 1.00

02:08:10.000 No, brother, that was a good fucking thing the other night, wasn't it? 0.99

02:08:13.000 It was a lot of fun. 0.99

02:08:14.000 That was a lot of fun.

02:08:14.000 Ari Shaffir's storyteller show, This Is Not Happening, on ComedyCentral.com.

02:08:18.000 Did you leave?

02:08:18.000 You left.

02:08:19.000 I had to leave.

02:08:19.000 I had to do Kevin and Bean in the morning.

02:08:21.000 I had to get out of there.

02:08:22.000 But the reaction that you got when you even walked in the building, your life has changed.

02:08:28.000 It was rocking over there.

02:08:30.000 You're living in a different world than you were living in a couple of years ago.

02:08:32.000 No, I'm fine, man. 0.99

02:08:33.000 I'm still in the same fucking world. 0.98

02:08:34.000 I know you are, but it's interesting to watch, man. 0.99

02:08:37.000 Yeah, it's very interesting to watch.

02:08:38.000 What was the last gig we did together? 0.98

02:08:39.000 Where the fuck were we? 0.97

02:08:40.000 Boston? 0.99

02:08:41.000 Milwaukee.

02:08:42.000 One of those.

02:08:43.000 Yeah.

02:08:43.000 Milwaukee and Boston were both insanity.

02:08:45.000 Are you doing another of those dog movies?

02:08:48.000 Yeah.

02:08:49.000 Which one is this one?

02:08:50.000 Dog that saved Easter. 0.99

02:08:51.000 How many times is dog going to fucking save the world? 0.99

02:08:54.000 This is the fifth one. 0.99

02:08:55.000 Gary Valentine passed on this one.

02:08:56.000 Look at Joey!

02:08:57.000 Gary Valentine passed?

02:08:59.000 Have they brought you back?

02:09:00.000 No, I always come back.

02:09:02.000 But you're saying that Gary Valentine passed?

02:09:03.000 Gary Valentine passed on this one.

02:09:05.000 He wanted more money.

02:09:06.000 I don't know what happened.

02:09:07.000 Dean Cain, this is he took a little pit stop before searching for Bigfoot.

02:09:12.000 He's got a new show.

02:09:13.000 He's got a new show on Spike with my pal Todd Disotel.

02:09:16.000 They go searching for Bigfoot.

02:09:18.000 Ryan, what do I get you?

02:09:20.000 What happened?

02:09:22.000 The girls' makeup?

02:09:23.000 Is that what it was?

02:09:24.000 No.

02:09:24.000 They dress you up like a girl?

02:09:25.000 You know why?

02:09:26.000 Do you know why? 0.98

02:09:27.000 Because they're scared of you, just like they do with black men. 1.00

02:09:29.000 No, no, no. 0.95

02:09:30.000 What, Maeda?

02:09:31.000 Think about it. 0.95

02:09:31.000 All the black men, they dress up like women? 0.95

02:09:33.000 That was the third movie we did. 0.91

02:09:34.000 Yeah.

02:09:35.000 They never dressed me up like a woman again. 0.95

02:09:37.000 Dave Chappelle had a whole speech that he did on one of those talk shows about it.

02:09:41.000 About, man, why is it when a black man gets famous, they always try to dress him up like a girl. 1.00

02:09:45.000 It's true.

02:09:46.000 Eddie Murphy.

02:09:47.000 Think about all the different people.

02:09:48.000 Jamie Foxx.

02:09:49.000 Think about all the different people that are dressed.

02:09:51.000 Keenan Ivory Wayans.

02:09:52.000 Think about all the different people. 0.81

02:09:54.000 Big, strong black men, and it's hilarious they dress up like women. 1.00

02:09:57.000 Why, Joe Diaz? 0.60

02:09:59.000 Why'd they do it to you?

02:10:00.000 That was just the third one. 1.00

02:10:01.000 Because they've seen your dick online. 1.00

02:10:03.000 That's what it is. 1.00

02:10:04.000 They've seen the Cuban egg roll floating out there like the Death Star in deep space. 0.99

02:10:08.000 What's wrong with you?

02:10:09.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:10:09.000 We're over here.

02:10:10.000 I'm stoned to the gills.

02:10:12.000 I got Duncan to the right of me, Red Band to the left of me, and you gotta be over here.

02:10:16.000 Duggan, when are you jumping back into the comedy world again?

02:10:19.000 This Saturday, I'll be at the Comedy Store. 1.00

02:10:21.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:10:22.000 Googly moogly. 1.00

02:10:24.000 What time, cocksucker? 1.00

02:10:26.000 11, 1045. Oh, shit. 1.00

02:10:29.000 There's something about that place, right? 1.00

02:10:31.000 Still, to this day.

02:10:32.000 Yes.

02:10:33.000 Exotic, exotic place. 0.99

02:10:34.000 Isn't that where fucking Hobo made his debut? 0.98

02:10:37.000 That's exactly where he made his debut. 0.99

02:10:39.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:10:39.000 Who's Hobo?

02:10:40.000 Hobo.

02:10:41.000 Hey, you forgot about me.

02:10:43.000 What's the new Hobo like?

02:10:45.000 I've retired Hobo. 1.00

02:10:47.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:10:48.000 Why would you do that when it's on video? 1.00

02:10:50.000 That's why.

02:10:51.000 Why does everything have to be on video?

02:10:53.000 Because the other people should enjoy it too.

02:10:54.000 What you developed was something that was really beautiful.

02:10:56.000 That was real.

02:10:57.000 Well, you know the problem?

02:10:58.000 There's a technical problem, which is that it uses a Pink Floyd song.

02:11:02.000 And I super doubt that if I emailed them, they're going to be like, yeah, you could use one of the most famous songs on earth for your comedy album.

02:11:08.000 Uh, guess what?

02:11:10.000 What?

02:11:11.000 That's a small part of that bit.

02:11:13.000 Very small.

02:11:14.000 That's not even one-tenth of one percent of that bit.

02:11:16.000 But that bit is...

02:11:18.000 I don't want to say anymore because I don't want it to be a spoiler.

02:11:20.000 You don't need that song, dude. 0.95

02:11:22.000 That's silly.

02:11:22.000 But I feel, you know, like the next time I go back out on the road, I don't think I can bring Little Hobo.

02:11:27.000 Talk to him, Joey Diaz. 1.00

02:11:28.000 Tell him to put that fucking shit down on wax. 1.00

02:11:30.000 I can't keep doing it though. 1.00

02:11:32.000 You can't keep doing something.

02:11:34.000 You don't have to keep doing it.

02:11:35.000 You just have to do it and get it on DVD or get it on a video to put it on the internet.

02:11:40.000 For that little hobo bit to not get out there in the world is a crime against humanity. 1.00

02:11:45.000 So you need to figure that out.

02:11:47.000 You need to figure out how you're going to get that out there. 0.96

02:11:50.000 Because I can't tell you how many times I fucking howled with laughter at that bit. 0.88

02:11:54.000 I've seen that bit Close to 100 times, maybe? 0.98

02:11:57.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:11:57.000 I mean, all the times we work together?

02:11:58.000 I love doing it. 0.98

02:11:59.000 It's a fucking great bit, dude. 0.96

02:12:01.000 People need to see that. 0.99

02:12:02.000 It's fun, and it's so you.

02:12:04.000 It's so you!

02:12:05.000 If anybody was wondering, what kind of comedy does Duncan do?

02:12:08.000 I'd be like, you got six minutes?

02:12:10.000 Sit down and watch this. 0.96

02:12:11.000 You know what's fucking cool, though, man? 0.99

02:12:13.000 I can't give too much of it away, but I am going to be puppeteering a puppet. 0.97

02:12:20.000 I'm going to be using a puppet for this...

02:12:22.000 Show we're doing for MTV Digital that we're shooting right now.

02:12:25.000 It's gonna be really cool.

02:12:26.000 A lot of spooky, uh, spooky sketches.

02:12:30.000 Okay, let's get into the Duncan psyche.

02:12:32.000 Let's find out what that's all about. 0.99

02:12:34.000 Joey Diaz used to always say, this motherfucking Duncan's always playing around with the devil. 1.00

02:12:37.000 One of these days he's gonna fucking realize that devil's gonna bite him right in the ball sack. 1.00

02:12:41.000 It did! 0.99

02:12:43.000 Did it?

02:12:43.000 Did it really?

02:12:44.000 Took one of my balls. 1.00

02:12:46.000 No, no, no, no. 1.00

02:12:47.000 I don't really...

02:12:48.000 No, I was just kidding.

02:12:49.000 I was just kidding.

02:12:52.000 No, no, no, no.

02:12:53.000 You know, listen, man.

02:12:54.000 There's no dark side. 1.00

02:12:55.000 You can't be fucking around with the devil, Duncan Trussell. 1.00

02:12:57.000 Well, that... 1.00

02:12:57.000 You think you're being cute, all hee-hees and ha-has? 1.00

02:13:00.000 Watching the cartoons.

02:13:03.000 SpongeBob.

02:13:04.000 Well, my point is...

02:13:05.000 I'm just joking around about that.

02:13:06.000 But my point is, like, what is your fascination with this demonic idea...

02:13:11.000 You're drawn to that angle so often.

02:13:14.000 Like, what is it?

02:13:16.000 Drawn to what angle?

02:13:17.000 Drawn to the angle of, you know, obviously I don't believe that you think in these things, like as far as being reality, but the idea of a demonic entity, the idea of evil incarnate.

02:13:29.000 I mean, you've often talked about evil as like a philosophical idea, like a location that you can get to.

02:13:35.000 You know, man, I've changed a lot in my life.

02:13:38.000 And there was a time when I actually did believe that there was some...

02:13:42.000 And I still have...

02:13:43.000 I know people who do believe in this kind of thing, but...

02:13:46.000 You know why you don't anymore?

02:13:47.000 What?

02:13:48.000 You know why you don't anymore?

02:13:49.000 Why?

02:13:49.000 Your girlfriend's 24. You think that's why I don't believe in evil anymore?

02:13:55.000 As you lick your vagina, it's like drinking out of a spring when you've been trapped in the desert. 1.00

02:13:59.000 You're trapped in the desert and you come down the hill and what is this? 1.00

02:14:02.000 Is this an oasis?

02:14:03.000 Is this a hallucination?

02:14:04.000 And you get in that cold Colorado spring water and you just lap it up.

02:14:08.000 24's not old, Joe.

02:14:10.000 That's not what I'm saying, Brian.

02:14:12.000 I'm just kidding.

02:14:12.000 That was a joke.

02:14:13.000 I get it.

02:14:13.000 I know it was a joke.

02:14:15.000 God.

02:14:16.000 I think it's more of a...

02:14:18.000 There's that, too, though.

02:14:20.000 You know what I like?

02:14:21.000 There's that, too.

02:14:22.000 Well, I think that that's a...

02:14:24.000 Very good point.

02:14:24.000 That is not a record.

02:14:26.000 Huge point.

02:14:27.000 Joe Diaz? 0.99

02:14:28.000 He's a savage. 0.99

02:14:31.000 You guys are embarrassing me. 0.97

02:14:35.000 In Hinduism, I like the whole cycle of things.

02:14:38.000 Someone's panicking.

02:14:39.000 They're going straight to the Bhagavad Gita.

02:14:40.000 That's what I think.

02:14:40.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:14:41.000 Here we go. 1.00

02:14:43.000 It's fucking Hindu time. 1.00

02:14:45.000 You assholes! 1.00

02:14:45.000 You ass! 1.00

02:14:46.000 Let's talk about Congress and the Diebold voting machines, man! 1.00

02:14:49.000 I can smell a fucking lottery ticket. 1.00

02:14:50.000 Let me get that Midnight Moon, whatever the fuck that is. 1.00

02:14:52.000 Let me smell that. 0.97

02:14:53.000 Let me get a little blast.

02:14:55.000 We're drinking moonshine here on the point of the episode.

02:14:58.000 Duncan, I pushed one in front of you.

02:14:59.000 Do you not drink anymore?

02:15:00.000 Are you scared?

02:15:01.000 I'm trying to lose weight, so I'm not drinking alcohol.

02:15:04.000 That's not going to help you. 1.00

02:15:05.000 Being a pussy is not going to help you lose weight. 1.00

02:15:07.000 It's the exact opposite of what's going to help you lose weight. 1.00

02:15:09.000 What's going to help you lose weight is being a savage. 0.99

02:15:12.000 And what a savage does is occasionally they have a drink because they're a fucking man, they do whatever they want to do, and then they do squats. 0.98

02:15:17.000 Well, what I want to do is not drink. 0.99

02:15:19.000 Listen to me.

02:15:20.000 I have kettlebells here in this building.

02:15:21.000 I can help you burn off.

02:15:22.000 Are you going to throw one at me?

02:15:23.000 I'm going to help you work out. 0.99

02:15:25.000 After this podcast is over, I'll show you a squat routine that you can do with a fucking 32-kilogram. 0.99

02:15:30.000 Okay, great. 0.99

02:15:34.000 Okay, great!

02:15:36.000 How much poop is this?

02:15:37.000 A thousand. 0.95

02:15:38.000 It's evil.

02:15:40.000 It'll hurt your mother. 1.00

02:15:41.000 If you drink that shit, your dead parents will fucking kick around in their graves. 1.00

02:15:45.000 If you drink that shit, kids you grew up with in high school will crash into trees. 1.00

02:15:51.000 It's so strong it's ridiculous. 1.00

02:15:54.000 People you've never met will get drunk. 1.00

02:15:56.000 People you meet in a week will fucking pass out at work. 0.99

02:15:59.000 Does it taste good? 0.99

02:16:00.000 It actually tastes pretty good.

02:16:01.000 It's not as strong as a regular man. 0.99

02:16:04.000 Depends on what you think good is.

02:16:05.000 If you're talking about good Kool-Aid, no.

02:16:08.000 How about Dew is good with ice cubes?

02:16:10.000 What it tastes like, it's not that brutal.

02:16:14.000 It's interesting.

02:16:15.000 They did, whatever this is, Jamie, what is this?

02:16:18.000 What's the name of this company?

02:16:19.000 Old Smokey, I think it is. 1.00

02:16:21.000 Whoever these people are, they're bad motherfuckers. 1.00

02:16:23.000 They know how to make some real moonshine. 1.00

02:16:25.000 Because I've had some scary moonshine that hurts, and I've had some moonshine like this that's pretty fucking smooth while letting you know that it's fucking you up. 0.51

02:16:34.000 But if you talk to somebody in Kentucky, they'll be like, yeah, that's like the wine cooler of Moonshines compared to them, you know, like building it in the backyard and stuff like that. 0.85

02:16:41.000 I don't know, man.

02:16:43.000 This stuff's pretty good.

02:16:44.000 Duncan and I had some stuff in North Carolina.

02:16:47.000 Remember when we ate at that slamming barbecue joint?

02:16:50.000 Yes.

02:16:51.000 Do you remember that?

02:16:51.000 Yep.

02:16:52.000 That place, what was it called?

02:16:53.000 Was it called? 0.99

02:16:54.000 I can't remember, but it's fucking good. 0.95

02:16:56.000 If you're in Raleigh... 0.98

02:16:57.000 Hold on a second. 1.00

02:16:57.000 I need to let these motherfuckers get their props. 1.00

02:17:01.000 Raleigh barbecue, BBQ. We ate the pit. 1.00

02:17:06.000 Was it the pit?

02:17:07.000 That's exactly what it was.

02:17:08.000 I thought it was.

02:17:09.000 They gave us some moonshine, some peach moonshine.

02:17:13.000 Oh my god, it was good. 0.99

02:17:15.000 God damn, it was good. 0.99

02:17:17.000 First of all, the barbecue there, if you're in Raleigh, that place is sensational. 0.99

02:17:23.000 It's so good. 1.00

02:17:25.000 It has four stars if you go to the reviews online, but that's just because 10% of the people in the world have their fucking head deep in their ass. 0.99

02:17:34.000 If the world was just and pure, that would be a five-star place. 0.99

02:17:38.000 No doubt about it.

02:17:39.000 And they had this insane peach moonshine.

02:17:43.000 And you would drink it and you'd go, whoa!

02:17:46.000 And you also like it because you know it's illegal.

02:17:49.000 You know I hate booze, right?

02:17:50.000 You know I hate the taste of booze?

02:17:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:17:53.000 That's fucking delicious. 0.99

02:17:54.000 This is good. 1.00

02:17:55.000 That's delicious.

02:17:55.000 They know what they're doing.

02:17:56.000 That's delicious.

02:17:57.000 Real Moonshine is over 100 proof, as high as 150 proof, which is about 75% alcohol.

02:18:04.000 It's like freebasing.

02:18:06.000 Yeah, you're pretty much just drinking...

02:18:07.000 You're freebasing booze.

02:18:09.000 And what is this stuff?

02:18:10.000 It should say on the side of it.

02:18:11.000 Does it say the proof?

02:18:12.000 Yeah, it should say right on the bottom right there.

02:18:14.000 Can you read it, Joe? 1.00

02:18:14.000 If you eat bad pussy and you eat this and you drink this, you're saved. 1.00

02:18:18.000 It'll save you. 1.00

02:18:18.000 It'll kill all the HPV. That'll kill all the HPV right out of the fucking Thompson. 1.00

02:18:22.000 You won't go on Michael Douglas. 1.00

02:18:24.000 I won't be spitting fucking yellow buttons tomorrow. 0.98

02:18:28.000 I can't read the proof. 0.99

02:18:31.000 Where does it say it?

02:18:34.000 Does it say in the front?

02:18:36.000 Oh.

02:18:38.000 It says 50%.

02:18:41.000 Is that 100 proof?

02:18:45.000 Why wouldn't you say 100 proof?

02:18:47.000 Oh, it does say 100 proof in the other spot.

02:18:49.000 100 proof?

02:18:50.000 Yeah, it's 100 proof.

02:18:51.000 It's not bad?

02:18:51.000 No, it's not bad.

02:18:52.000 It's pretty good.

02:18:52.000 What's whiskey?

02:18:53.000 90. 90 proof?

02:18:55.000 Yeah.

02:18:55.000 So it's just a little stronger than whiskey.

02:18:56.000 That tastes delicious, though.

02:18:58.000 Now, that's... 1.00

02:18:58.000 With some ice cubes, with a fucking cigar. 1.00

02:19:00.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:19:01.000 With an ice cube, but a little mild cigar, guys.

02:19:04.000 Not a big one.

02:19:04.000 A little one.

02:19:05.000 Three hours to kill. 1.00

02:19:07.000 Maybe something to watch in a fucking casino in Vegas while you're... 1.00

02:19:12.000 A little Monte Cristo? 1.00

02:19:13.000 Something.

02:19:14.000 Yeah, a little Monte Cristo.

02:19:15.000 That's perfect.

02:19:16.000 The problem is when Jamie first originally gave it to me, I didn't think it was that strong, so I was just drinking it like a drink, and I almost drank like a half a bottle of it.

02:19:25.000 And that's like drinking a half bottle of Jack Daniels. 0.99

02:19:27.000 Yeah, you get fucked up. 1.00

02:19:28.000 How many guys did you fuck that night? 1.00

02:19:29.000 Just you. 1.00

02:19:30.000 What? 1.00

02:19:31.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:19:35.000 I'm so jealous, Joe. 1.00

02:19:36.000 Shut up! 1.00

02:19:38.000 This fucking podcast sucks! 1.00

02:19:41.000 I quit! 1.00

02:19:42.000 This is legal to sell?

02:19:43.000 Yeah, that's actually... 1.00

02:19:45.000 I can go to a bar and get this shit. 0.99

02:19:47.000 Yeah, this has a barcode on it. 1.00

02:19:48.000 Wow, midnight moon. 0.99

02:19:50.000 That is fucking delicious. 0.99

02:19:51.000 Rice cubes. 1.00

02:19:52.000 As long as they have one of those fucking things on it, that's legit. 1.00

02:19:55.000 That means it's gone through the government taxes and all that shit. 1.00

02:19:58.000 Man, I wonder what the fuck is gonna happen to this country now that we realize that these assholes can't communicate, they can't get along so badly that they're shutting the government down. 1.00

02:20:08.000 Like, they're throwing a temper tantrum, and then they're not working their way through this, and they're shutting the government down. 0.99

02:20:12.000 I read this thing on Reddit that I thought was a really cool solution, which is adding to the Constitution some way to, if this happens, to do re-elections for everyone.

02:20:21.000 So that we can just wipe the slate.

02:20:26.000 That's a good idea.

02:20:27.000 That's incompetence.

02:20:28.000 That's clear incompetence.

02:20:29.000 And apparently if all the states wanted to do that, there's a way to do that.

02:20:33.000 There's actually a way for the states to band together so that we can do complete re-elections.

02:20:38.000 Since it's not working, they can't do their jobs.

02:20:40.000 It's not working.

02:20:41.000 Let's get new people in there. 0.53

02:20:43.000 Have you seen Rand Paul and some other dude got caught in a conversation with their mics on about the reactions that people are going to have to all this?

02:20:51.000 No, what do they say?

02:20:52.000 They're just talking about hedging their bets.

02:20:53.000 They're just talking about saying all the things, the talking points, or all the things they were willing to compromise on, but the president wasn't.

02:21:00.000 It's really spooky stuff because it comes down to this gigantic system grinding to a halt because a bunch of people are in an ego battle and they're playing a game of chess.

02:21:09.000 Well, it's almost like the Founding Fathers built into the machine a thing that I think is supposed to alert the population that we have to do something more.

02:21:20.000 I think that's what that is.

02:21:21.000 I mean, I just saw...

02:21:22.000 I hate saying this.

02:21:23.000 I mean, I don't know why I hate saying it, but I just saw Jesse Ventura on Piers Morgan, and he was giving this very, like, intelligent, cogent description of what's happening, and he was saying this means that we need to have a revolution, and it doesn't have to be violent.

02:21:38.000 But we do need to revolutionize the way government works, because right now it's not working, and the reason it's not working is because there is a percentage of people who don't believe that they should have to get, that the government can impose I think the government has to adapt just like the porn industry did. 0.89

02:22:01.000 The porn industry came along and the internet came along and clipped the fucking legs out of the porn industry. 0.96

02:22:07.000 Is there still porn available, Brian? 0.99

02:22:09.000 Yes. 0.71

02:22:09.000 There is. 0.71

02:22:10.000 That's right.

02:22:11.000 You know why?

02:22:11.000 Because they adjusted.

02:22:12.000 They did what they had to do.

02:22:14.000 And I think the government needs to do the same.

02:22:16.000 The internet does not allow the government to be the same entity.

02:22:20.000 It's too obvious where the money comes from.

02:22:21.000 We know too much about lobbyists.

02:22:23.000 We know too much about the influence of corporations.

02:22:25.000 We know too much about Congress.

02:22:27.000 Now, Congress has been influenced to the point where they're willing to actually allow corporations to vote as humans with their money and have no limits on how much they can contribute to individual candidates who will eventually serve their business needs once they get into office.

02:22:41.000 It's nonsense.

02:22:42.000 And we know it's nonsense now because of the internet.

02:22:45.000 Just like we know that $39.99 for a DVD with You know, insert the blank.

02:22:51.000 Tara Patrick.

02:22:52.000 That's not...

02:22:52.000 You don't have to do that when you can go to YouPorn and just...

02:22:56.000 It's free.

02:22:57.000 Just beat off online.

02:22:58.000 And we know that now.

02:22:59.000 So that kicked out the legs. 0.98

02:23:01.000 Digital information.

02:23:03.000 One's in a very different way.

02:23:05.000 But it's the same thing.

02:23:06.000 The internet has kicked out the legs of politics. 1.00

02:23:09.000 And politics is holding on by a fucking claw. 1.00

02:23:12.000 They're hanging on like that kitten in that... 1.00

02:23:13.000 Hang in there poster.

02:23:15.000 It's getting to the point where we have to do something.

02:23:18.000 Like...

02:23:19.000 Or it will happen, just like the Ice Age eventually stopped, or just like war eventually ends, just like we got out of Vietnam, just like the Civil War ended.

02:23:29.000 Something will eventually break, but we'll get to a point where we're like enough.

02:23:34.000 Yeah.

02:23:34.000 Well, let's just hope...

02:23:35.000 I mean, I don't...

02:23:36.000 By the way, lately I've just been trying to avoid the news, which is hard when you're addicted to Reddit, but I've been trying to avoid it completely.

02:23:45.000 But the... 0.96

02:23:48.000 If what they're saying, if it's not just a bunch of bullshit, if what they're saying is true, then we could go into another recession because of this. 0.98

02:23:55.000 This could drive us into another recession. 0.97

02:23:57.000 And if that's the case, then that means that there needs to be a new government because there's no reason for us to go into another recession.

02:24:07.000 How many of them are there in the government?

02:24:11.000 Yeah, how many?

02:24:11.000 How many senators?

02:24:12.000 How many congressmen?

02:24:13.000 That's a really good question.

02:24:14.000 How many?

02:24:15.000 I don't know the exact amount.

02:24:16.000 There's an exact amount.

02:24:17.000 What is it, 200 people?

02:24:20.000 Yeah, it's...

02:24:21.000 And how many people are on the planet?

02:24:23.000 Or on Earth?

02:24:24.000 And how many people are in the United States? 1.00

02:24:25.000 Because the shit that happens in the United States affects the entire planet. 0.99

02:24:28.000 So it's like the fact that there's... 1.00

02:24:31.000 I don't know.

02:24:32.000 It's sad that I don't know the number of senators and congressmen in the...

02:24:35.000 You don't need to. 0.68

02:24:35.000 It's all nonsense. 0.68

02:24:36.000 But it's whatever this tiny, tiny, tiny number is compared to the ocean of humanity.

02:24:42.000 The fact that they're...

02:24:43.000 Creating an unnecessary situation where we could all theoretically suffer shows that we as the people have been conditioned to believe that we're powerless.

02:24:57.000 And so that conditioning needs to go away.

02:25:00.000 And the moment it did and we organized in a non-violent way, then they would immediately start listening to us.

02:25:06.000 It's just that everyone gets so mad, oh, the government doesn't represent the people anymore.

02:25:11.000 It's like, well that may be true, but what are we doing to organize to make it so that they start listening to us again?

02:25:17.000 We need to do that.

02:25:18.000 Well, yeah and no.

02:25:20.000 I mean, yeah and that something's got to change. 0.94

02:25:22.000 And no in that really what would be optimal is if the people that were in positions of power realized they were fucking over the world. 0.84

02:25:28.000 That would be the best. 0.99

02:25:29.000 If they just said, hey guys, we ate some peyote and we realized we're a bunch of cunts.

02:25:33.000 So we're willing to try to figure out a way how to reward people for the work they've already done, but yet move forward in a much more ethical way of distributing wealth.

02:25:44.000 Good luck, man. 0.99

02:25:44.000 Good luck, because that's socialism talk, you fucking commie. 0.99

02:25:47.000 And these people are fucking human fossils. 1.00

02:25:50.000 Imagine taking peyote with Boehner. 1.00

02:25:54.000 Can you imagine looking across at that guy and he's transforming into Howdy Doody in front of you?

02:26:01.000 His eyes are glowing red.

02:26:03.000 No way, man.

02:26:04.000 I don't know if it's possible.

02:26:06.000 It seems like these are earlier versions of human beings who...

02:26:10.000 Whose entire operating system has needed an update since the 70s.

02:26:17.000 Imagine if you hadn't updated your iPhone since when iPhones came out.

02:26:21.000 That's what these people are like with information.

02:26:24.000 But they're way worse than iPhones. 0.99

02:26:26.000 These motherfuckers, they're on a BBS board in the early 90s. 1.00

02:26:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:26:30.000 With a 14-4 modem. 1.00

02:26:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:26:32.000 And the shit cuts out every five minutes. 1.00

02:26:34.000 They're not on top of the ball at all. 1.00

02:26:36.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:26:37.000 Well, the whole thing's fucking wrong, man. 0.66

02:26:39.000 I really liked... 0.96

02:26:40.000 I had Christopher Ryan on my podcast, and he was talking about how in indigenous cultures, the people who never are allowed to become leaders are the people who indicate that they want to be leaders.

02:26:51.000 Like, those are always the ones people avoid as being the leaders, and the ones who end up being leaders are the ones who know the most about certain things, like fishing or hunting.

02:27:00.000 Those people are naturally followed.

02:27:03.000 Right. 0.99

02:27:03.000 They don't fucking throw makeup on and try to hypnotize a country by saying the exact same thing everyone always says. 0.99

02:27:10.000 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 0.99

02:27:12.000 President talk!

02:27:13.000 That weird cadence?

02:27:14.000 Why are you talking like that? 1.00

02:27:15.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

02:27:17.000 We've talked about that a hundred times on this show. 1.00

02:27:19.000 You and I have had this conversation.

02:27:20.000 If you were sitting at home with a guy and he started talking to you like that, you would stop him. 1.00

02:27:24.000 You'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

02:27:26.000 Are you trying to hypnotize me? 1.00

02:27:27.000 Can you imagine if Joey Diaz was sitting across from Obama?

02:27:29.000 Joey! 0.90

02:27:30.000 What we're dealing with right now, bipartisan efforts have been reached.

02:27:35.000 We have reached out to Republicans.

02:27:38.000 They're unwilling to bargain.

02:27:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:27:41.000 You're like, you're fucking killing me, dog. 1.00

02:27:43.000 Yeah, don't- Why are you talking to me like that? 1.00

02:27:44.000 Oh, yeah, and also the way- You're freaking me the fuck out.

02:27:46.000 I was born- I was- North Bergen, New Jersey, 1978. Look at this picture.

02:27:50.000 Look at me, motherfucker. 1.00

02:27:51.000 I'm on a basketball team with a bunch of guineas, one black guy, and a Filipino. 1.00

02:27:55.000 Why are you talking to me like that?

02:27:57.000 It's- What's happening is diffusion of- Joey's gone!

02:28:01.000 You're so gone!

02:28:02.000 I've never seen you more gone on a podcast.

02:28:04.000 I'm watching my boy.

02:28:05.000 I'm listening over here.

02:28:06.000 How high are you on a scale of one to a billion?

02:28:08.000 I'm like six.

02:28:10.000 For Joey Diaz to be this high, man, whatever you took must have fallen out of a spaceship. 1.00

02:28:17.000 That shit must have come out of a time machine in the future. 0.99

02:28:20.000 Is that dude that we met in Utah, the black hole of the bulletproof wolf that popped out? 1.00

02:28:25.000 A portal opened up and a worm vomited out whatever you ate.

02:28:29.000 The orbs, basically the orbs.

02:28:31.000 Yeah, man.

02:28:32.000 Took a cookie to Joey Diaz's house.

02:28:34.000 I've never seen you like this.

02:28:36.000 I'm talking about people who smoke dope.

02:28:38.000 And people who don't smoke dope and how the people who don't smoke dope worry me.

02:28:43.000 Because the people who don't smoke dope have just called me eight times after I told them for the last eight days that I was doing your podcast today from one to whatever.

02:28:53.000 They've continually called me today.

02:28:55.000 And the people who don't smoke dope, they don't bother me.

02:29:00.000 They're at home. 0.99

02:29:01.000 They ain't trying to fucking call me. 0.99

02:29:02.000 It's amazing. 0.99

02:29:03.000 What do you mean people who don't smoke dope?

02:29:04.000 Just a friend of mine that wanted to do something Friday.

02:29:06.000 Oh, I see.

02:29:07.000 And I said to him, listen, I'm going to be busy from like 1 to like 5, maybe 6. Maybe I won't see you.

02:29:11.000 Yeah.

02:29:11.000 But I'll call you when I get out of there.

02:29:13.000 Yeah.

02:29:13.000 He's already called me three times since I've been in here.

02:29:17.000 Yeah, it's weird.

02:29:18.000 Are you getting mad?

02:29:19.000 No, no, I'm not getting mad.

02:29:21.000 I just thought I spoke to him about it. 0.98

02:29:23.000 And it's just weird how people don't fucking listen. 0.99

02:29:27.000 They don't listen. 0.99

02:29:27.000 They don't care to listen. 0.99

02:29:28.000 They don't want to listen, you know?

02:29:29.000 Right.

02:29:30.000 It's just, it's always, you know.

02:29:34.000 So, that's it.

02:29:34.000 That's what I was thinking.

02:29:36.000 That's it. 1.00

02:29:37.000 These motherfuckers don't want to listen. 1.00

02:29:38.000 They don't want to fucking listen. 1.00

02:29:39.000 I don't ask for much. 0.99

02:29:40.000 Who does want to listen, Joey?

02:29:42.000 Nobody.

02:29:43.000 Me neither.

02:29:43.000 I don't want to listen.

02:29:44.000 That's why we did that. 1.00

02:29:45.000 Too busy with my own shit. 1.00

02:29:46.000 I'm trying to sort out my own shit. 1.00

02:29:47.000 That's right. 0.99

02:29:48.000 Don't need to listen to anybody.

02:29:49.000 That's right.

02:29:50.000 Duncan.

02:29:51.000 Man, when you get around somebody who's listening to you, it's the coolest feeling ever.

02:29:56.000 Ha ha ha!

02:29:57.000 Wow!

02:29:58.000 Hence the 24-year-old girlfriend. 1.00

02:30:00.000 She's mystified.

02:30:01.000 You string words together like a wizard!

02:30:05.000 No.

02:30:06.000 Like, buddy, you know I love you. 0.99

02:30:08.000 You're a savage. 0.99

02:30:08.000 You take these girls. 0.99

02:30:10.000 I love it.

02:30:10.000 You teach them.

02:30:11.000 You teach them.

02:30:11.000 You're a guru.

02:30:12.000 I'm not teaching. 0.99

02:30:14.000 She's really super fucking smart. 0.99

02:30:15.000 Oh, she is. 0.99

02:30:16.000 We're just joking around.

02:30:17.000 These are jokes.

02:30:18.000 Very smart.

02:30:18.000 See, this is honorable because you like her so much.

02:30:22.000 This is where you stop joking.

02:30:23.000 You halted the joke.

02:30:24.000 Come on, guy.

02:30:25.000 Oh, yeah.

02:30:26.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:30:27.000 You can't even joke around about it because you actually like her.

02:30:30.000 It's sweet.

02:30:31.000 It's sweet.

02:30:32.000 It's beautiful.

02:30:33.000 I think you're supposed to do that.

02:30:34.000 You are.

02:30:35.000 You are.

02:30:35.000 Well, it just shows that that's who you really are.

02:30:38.000 You really like the chick.

02:30:39.000 She's cool.

02:30:40.000 Nothing wrong with being 24. I was 24 once.

02:30:42.000 By the way, when I was 24, I was dumb as fuck. 0.99

02:30:45.000 You wouldn't want to be friends with me. 1.00

02:30:46.000 If I was 24 and I was in this room, you'd be like, get that dickhead out of here. 1.00

02:30:51.000 Same with me. 1.00

02:30:51.000 Go. 1.00

02:30:52.000 Same with me. 0.99

02:30:53.000 I was so dumb. 0.96

02:30:54.000 We didn't have the internet. 0.98

02:30:57.000 What?

02:30:57.000 We didn't have the internet.

02:30:59.000 We didn't have it.

02:31:00.000 Well, I had rudimentary.

02:31:02.000 We had rudimentary internet.

02:31:04.000 Please.

02:31:05.000 You didn't have the real internet.

02:31:06.000 You had to download JPEGs and it would take a long time. 0.99

02:31:09.000 You just hoped that it would click over the tits so you could start masturbating. 1.00

02:31:14.000 That's what porn used to be, is waiting for those lines of pixels to roll down the screen. 0.99

02:31:19.000 Well, you know, I think that it took a long time for us to figure out what to do with it. 0.95

02:31:23.000 So the early internet, like I was on the internet in 94, but I didn't learn a goddamn thing until 2003. Right. 0.93

02:31:29.000 I didn't learn anything. 1.00

02:31:31.000 It was all just talking shit and message boards and downloading porn and nonsense. 1.00

02:31:36.000 And then somewhere along the line, that all got boring and I started learning shit. 1.00

02:31:42.000 I think we started paying attention more to things. 0.98

02:31:45.000 It was also like three years into my pot journey.

02:31:48.000 I started with the weed around 2000. So that's when I started questioning a lot of different things at about 2000. Delving into the internet deeper.

02:31:55.000 Thank God for the internet.

02:31:56.000 It's revolutionizing everything, man. 0.99

02:31:58.000 Even like fucking taxis, like Uber. 0.99

02:32:00.000 Oh, it's amazing. 1.00

02:32:01.000 Are you fucking shitting me, man? 1.00

02:32:03.000 It's the exact same price as a taxi. 1.00

02:32:05.000 Tell people what it is.

02:32:07.000 I'm not sponsored by them at all.

02:32:09.000 I just love them.

02:32:09.000 I only used them once.

02:32:11.000 It was incredible.

02:32:12.000 There's a company called Uber.

02:32:13.000 It's an app.

02:32:14.000 You go onto Uber, you click a button, and when I did it the first time, they send a limo to your house, and it was there in two minutes.

02:32:25.000 It's the exact same price, maybe $5 more than a taxi, and it's incredible.

02:32:30.000 Yeah, it's a sweet move.

02:32:31.000 It's great in New York City.

02:32:32.000 It's amazing, and the taxi companies in LA took them to court and tried to sue them so that they couldn't exist.

02:32:39.000 Really?

02:32:40.000 Because it's such a competition.

02:32:41.000 I just talked to a taxi driver all about this, and there's good reasons for it, too.

02:32:47.000 This guy I know drove for one of the Uber-type things, I think it was Lyft.

02:32:51.000 He got in a car accident with three other people while he was driving, and he You would think Lyft or this company would insure everybody.

02:32:59.000 No, he's getting sued by everybody in the car.

02:33:02.000 And his insurance isn't supposed to be covering when he's working.

02:33:06.000 And a lot of these people don't have the right insurances.

02:33:09.000 So when you're in an Uber or something like that, they're not getting...

02:33:11.000 Approved by the state.

02:33:13.000 They're not getting insured.

02:33:14.000 It's kind of almost illegal in some ways.

02:33:17.000 Well, I would never do anything illegal.

02:33:19.000 But the taxi drivers now all have their own apps now.

02:33:23.000 Like the Yellow Cab app.

02:33:24.000 It's the exact same thing Uber has now. 0.99

02:33:27.000 So they're actually catching up trying to do this shit. 1.00

02:33:29.000 Yeah, but still, even if the Yellow Cab app works, you're still in the back of a fucking taxi. 0.99

02:33:33.000 With Uber, you're in a super nice car, bottled water in the back. 0.98

02:33:37.000 And it's the same.

02:33:38.000 The main crazy thing about it is it's $5 more.

02:33:41.000 They can't compete.

02:33:43.000 There's no way they're going to compete with that. 0.99

02:33:44.000 Once people start really finding out about it, who's going to call a fucking cab? 0.99

02:33:48.000 Why? 0.99

02:33:49.000 Yeah, why would you?

02:33:50.000 And it takes longer to get a cab.

02:33:51.000 When I did the Uber thing, it was there in two minutes. 1.00

02:33:54.000 You know when you see your dog take a shit? 1.00

02:33:57.000 And instantaneously, there's a fly on the shit. 1.00

02:33:59.000 And you're like, how is that possible? 1.00

02:34:01.000 Where do they come from?

02:34:02.000 Are they everywhere? 1.00

02:34:03.000 That's fucking Uber. 1.00

02:34:04.000 Well, there's so many people out there driving limos. 1.00

02:34:08.000 The number of people driving limos is pretty gigantic.

02:34:11.000 It's amazing.

02:34:11.000 Yeah.

02:34:12.000 I mean, think about where you're at.

02:34:13.000 You're in the Los Angeles area.

02:34:15.000 The amount of airplane pickups, airport pickups.

02:34:17.000 Airport pickups are what limo driving is all about.

02:34:20.000 I work for Fifth Avenue Limo in Boston.

02:34:23.000 And 90% of my work was airports.

02:34:26.000 Airport pickups.

02:34:27.000 Take people out.

02:34:28.000 Take them to New Hampshire.

02:34:30.000 Take them anywhere from Logan Airport.

02:34:32.000 All like in a hundred mile spiral, you know, in any direction.

02:34:37.000 Awesome.

02:34:38.000 Yeah, so there's always a bunch of people waiting around. 0.99

02:34:40.000 That's the other crazy thing about limos is those motherfuckers work insane amount of hours. 1.00

02:34:45.000 It's not just a crazy regular job, like 12 hours a day, 16, 17, 18, go back home, sleep for a few hours, they'll call you in the morning. 0.99

02:34:55.000 I worked until 2 o'clock in the morning. 0.99

02:34:57.000 These motherfuckers were calling me at 6, asking me to come back in. 1.00

02:35:00.000 I was like, you're fucking crazy. 1.00

02:35:02.000 And they were like, look, you got debt, you got credit card payment problems, you got this, you got that. 1.00

02:35:06.000 We'll take care of you. 0.98

02:35:06.000 I'll tell you what, we got a fucking bounty of work. 0.98

02:35:10.000 And they're like, see Mikey? 0.99

02:35:11.000 Mikey over here?

02:35:12.000 The guy had a Boston College sticker on his Cadillac.

02:35:16.000 Didn't go to college.

02:35:17.000 He just liked Boston College.

02:35:18.000 He was just a limo driver.

02:35:19.000 He was kind of a sad character.

02:35:21.000 This guy, all he did was work.

02:35:23.000 And he's like, he makes a good living. 1.00

02:35:25.000 He doesn't have to bust his ass. 0.99

02:35:26.000 You know, he's in here 16, 17, 18 hours a day sometimes. 1.00

02:35:29.000 And he was like, that's how you do it.

02:35:31.000 And he gets in his car and he drives off.

02:35:33.000 And we're like, he's got a nice apartment.

02:35:36.000 He's got a nice Cadillac.

02:35:37.000 He's driving. 0.94

02:35:38.000 Meanwhile, this guy was a slave.

02:35:40.000 He was a slave to veal scallopini at the nice Italian restaurant that he could get anytime he wants.

02:35:45.000 He was a slave to the fact that he had a nice apartment with a nice view.

02:35:47.000 He looked out his window.

02:35:48.000 He felt like a winner.

02:35:49.000 And he was a slave to his Cadillac with his BC sticker on it. 1.00

02:35:52.000 And this fucking guy worked every day. 1.00

02:35:55.000 And you could do that. 1.00

02:35:57.000 The good thing was, if you were in a hole, you were in a financial hole, it was good, they paid well, you could work and you could make good living.

02:36:03.000 That guy made more than 60 grand a year driving limos.

02:36:06.000 And this was back in 1990, not even, 1989. So it was a long time ago.

02:36:12.000 You know what else is cool about Uber?

02:36:13.000 I'm sorry, Joey.

02:36:14.000 No, go ahead, I'm sorry.

02:36:15.000 No, go ahead.

02:36:16.000 No, Uber also, you know, listen, Uber obviously is five hours more than a cab.

02:36:21.000 So what that does is that only cuts everybody again.

02:36:24.000 Yeah.

02:36:24.000 Like that lowers the price.

02:36:26.000 I mean, it's good for us, but it's like some...

02:36:28.000 Well, it's good for them, too.

02:36:29.000 It's just bad for cabs.

02:36:31.000 At least they're busy.

02:36:32.000 It's bad for cabs.

02:36:32.000 At least they're busy.

02:36:33.000 You know, at least instead of, you know, that same ride would cost $85.

02:36:38.000 Now with Uber, it probably costs $55, right?

02:36:40.000 Did I ever tell you when I drove Jeff Beck?

02:36:43.000 I drove Jeff Beck.

02:36:45.000 Well, I don't know if...

02:36:48.000 Yeah, he was in my van, and the...

02:36:53.000 The manager, I was picking up rock stars on a regular basis, and the manager for Annie Lennox was there too.

02:37:01.000 And we went to some hotel where we saw Annie Lennox, but I wanted to get Stevie Ray Vaughan.

02:37:06.000 I was a big Stevie Ray Vaughan fan.

02:37:08.000 Stevie Ray Vaughan refused limos, would not take limos, rode it in cabs.

02:37:12.000 All he did was ride in cabs.

02:37:14.000 You have a limo waiting for Steve Ray Vaughn.

02:37:16.000 He'd be like, mm, thanks.

02:37:17.000 And he'd be like, taxi. 0.74

02:37:19.000 He'd put his hand up, get a taxi, throw his bag in the back seat, and bring his guitar in there with him.

02:37:25.000 And that's it.

02:37:25.000 He was gone.

02:37:26.000 He didn't want to ride in your limo, man.

02:37:28.000 He wasn't interested.

02:37:29.000 Wow.

02:37:30.000 It's really kind of interesting.

02:37:31.000 Because they had a limo for him at Logan Airport in Boston.

02:37:37.000 He's like, eh, I'm not interested.

02:37:38.000 He probably liked the thick smell of soup farts and cologne.

02:37:42.000 Well, he probably could do heroin much more comfortably in the back of a couch.

02:37:45.000 Oh yeah, right.

02:37:47.000 I don't know if this was the time where he was doing heroin or if he was just being authentic.

02:37:51.000 Some people just decide that in order to do real art like that, like real Stevie Ray Vaughan type music, you gotta be down.

02:38:00.000 You gotta be in the gutter.

02:38:01.000 You gotta be down with the people.

02:38:02.000 It's not about the gutter.

02:38:03.000 A cab driver's not the gutter, but a cab driver's down.

02:38:06.000 That's a real dude.

02:38:08.000 You're driving around a city, and you're taking a cab, and the cab is driven by a guy who lives in the city.

02:38:14.000 That's a guy who's working, but he's also on the grind.

02:38:17.000 That's a real dude, you know?

02:38:18.000 Sure, man. 0.98

02:38:19.000 That's one way to look at things, but every time I get in a fucking cab, I feel like somebody just maced me with Drakkar. 0.99

02:38:25.000 I don't feel like I'm with the fucking people. 1.00

02:38:27.000 I feel like I'm in a gas chamber filled with shitty cologne. 0.99

02:38:32.000 Well, Drakkar's alright, man. 0.99

02:38:33.000 If you're trying to get laid and you live in Revere. 0.97

02:38:35.000 Not when it's mixed with garlic burps and the smell of somebody's rotting prostate. 1.00

02:38:46.000 Every day they just pour jacar into their asshole to try to cover up this rotting stink of their intestines. 1.00

02:38:52.000 Riders on the storm. 1.00

02:38:57.000 Riders on the storm.

02:39:01.000 Duncan, Saturday Night Comedy Store?

02:39:05.000 Yes.

02:39:06.000 Joe Diaz, where are you going to be at?

02:39:08.000 Next week, I'm with Ari Shafir at Cobb's. 0.99

02:39:11.000 Suck upon it, people. 0.91

02:39:12.000 Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 1.00

02:39:14.000 Suck upon it. 1.00

02:39:15.000 Get your shit together. 1.00

02:39:16.000 That's a fucking fantastic show. 1.00

02:39:18.000 Strap that motherfucker on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 1.00

02:39:20.000 Don't fuck around. 1.00

02:39:22.000 Joey Diaz. 1.00

02:39:23.000 Ari Shaffir is very funny right now, man.

02:39:24.000 He's on point.

02:39:26.000 Yeah, no, we got this.

02:39:27.000 He's on point. 1.00

02:39:27.000 This is a good fucking show. 1.00

02:39:28.000 This is a great show. 1.00

02:39:29.000 Well, you know, everybody's been accelerating.

02:39:31.000 It's been fun to watch. 0.69

02:39:33.000 I'm not going to say the bit, but the bit that you and I talked about on the phone that you're doing now, I don't want to say what it is, but it's fucking hilarious.

02:39:39.000 Ah, thanks, man.

02:39:41.000 I love watching everybody hit some new levels.

02:39:44.000 That Liberace bit is one of the funniest bits I've seen in decades. 1.00

02:39:49.000 I'm fucking writing new shit. 0.99

02:39:50.000 I'm trying, man. 1.00

02:39:51.000 It's hard.

02:39:52.000 It is hard.

02:39:53.000 It's so hard to write and tuck something away and go, I'm going to write something around it.

02:39:56.000 And you get on stage, but you know what?

02:39:58.000 I'm getting into the 50-minute bit now.

02:40:00.000 I'm starting to dig those long sets now.

02:40:03.000 I'm starting to realize that for years the 15-minute fuck-around set in town was working. 0.91

02:40:09.000 Now I just stay home and sleep. 0.93

02:40:10.000 I just go into town the night early and do Thursday night and bring the notebook with me. 0.97

02:40:14.000 And by Friday I'm fucking loose, man.

02:40:17.000 It's really nice to... 0.96

02:40:19.000 This is a different game.

02:40:20.000 You notice the difference game and the hour game?

02:40:22.000 The hour game is different than the 15-year-old game.

02:40:24.000 Yeah, you learn a lot more, man.

02:40:26.000 And the only way to do it is to do it.

02:40:28.000 It's like anything else.

02:40:29.000 It's to do it.

02:40:29.000 You can talk about it.

02:40:30.000 I'm trying to write my hour.

02:40:32.000 You're not going to write it, bro. 1.00

02:40:33.000 You've got to get up off your ass and go out and do it. 0.99

02:40:42.000 Right. 1.00

02:40:44.000 Yeah.

02:40:58.000 The trailer, you develop a totally different style.

02:41:02.000 You have this real quick, get to the point quickly, shock them early, be nice to them, but get your point across.

02:41:09.000 Thank you, goodnight.

02:41:10.000 And it's a sprint.

02:41:11.000 It's a wild sprint.

02:41:12.000 You're running up a hill.

02:41:14.000 But the set, when you're doing an hour and 10, hour and 15, hour and 30, that's a different animal.

02:41:20.000 That's an animal where you're establishing a mindset.

02:41:23.000 Yeah.

02:41:24.000 You gotta do that all the time to do that.

02:41:26.000 And that's such a jarring thing when you've been doing that and then you come back and do a 15-minute set. 0.79

02:41:31.000 It feels so fucking weird.

02:41:33.000 It's less jarring though than the other way. 0.98

02:41:35.000 The other way is way brutal.

02:41:36.000 When you're going from a 15-minute set and you think you know what you're doing and all of a sudden you have to do 45 and you get 35 minutes in and you're like, I'm done.

02:41:45.000 Yikesies. 1.00

02:41:46.000 Yikesies, I got no material left. 1.00

02:41:48.000 Where are you from, sir? 1.00

02:41:49.000 And the fucking panic in your eyes. 0.99

02:41:52.000 And just thinking, do I have any jokes I haven't done? 0.99

02:41:55.000 Is there anything I haven't done?

02:41:56.000 Is there anything I'm working on that I haven't done?

02:41:57.000 Scrambling through the Rolodex of your stone brain desperately for some scrap of a joke.

02:42:03.000 Well, for me back then, it was not even stoned.

02:42:05.000 It was hot.

02:42:05.000 It was totally straight.

02:42:06.000 Right.

02:42:07.000 It was totally straight brain.

02:42:08.000 For the first few years, I didn't even have a beer before I went on stage.

02:42:12.000 I didn't want to have that as a crutch.

02:42:14.000 I remember the first time I went on stage, I was shitting my pants.

02:42:17.000 I was like, maybe I should go get a drink, calm myself down. 1.00

02:42:19.000 And I was like, stupid, if you do that, you're going to need a drink every time you go on stage. 1.00

02:42:23.000 Just take your medicine, dummy. 1.00

02:42:24.000 I remember telling myself that, and I just went out. 0.98

02:42:27.000 21 years old, take my medicine.

02:42:29.000 Smart boy.

02:42:30.000 Luckily. 0.99

02:42:31.000 Crazy and smart at the same time. 0.99

02:42:33.000 Crazy enough to know. 0.96

02:42:35.000 It's like a really smart kid who gets a 500 horsepower car and really shouldn't be able to drive it. 1.00

02:42:40.000 Like, you gotta be careful, stupid. 1.00

02:42:42.000 You gotta know what the fuck you're doing with this thing. 1.00

02:42:44.000 You're gonna hit the gas and fly off a cliff. 1.00

02:42:47.000 Riders on the storm. 1.00

02:42:50.000 Duncan Trussell looking with the fucking beard. 1.00

02:42:52.000 Joey Diaz. 1.00

02:42:53.000 Looking sharp with the fucking... 1.00

02:42:55.000 You've abandoned the fedora. 1.00

02:42:56.000 Is this permanent?

02:42:58.000 Can I shave your head?

02:42:59.000 No!

02:43:00.000 No!

02:43:02.000 Look at this, my friend.

02:43:04.000 Tremendous.

02:43:04.000 That's what freedom looks like.

02:43:06.000 No way, man.

02:43:07.000 Oh, you say no way.

02:43:08.000 No, that looks great, but I'm in no way. 1.00

02:43:10.000 I'm never shaving my fucking head, man. 0.99

02:43:11.000 That's it. 0.99

02:43:12.000 I am happy that I made all the mistakes that I made.

02:43:15.000 All the mistakes that I made made me who I am today, and I've made them work for me.

02:43:20.000 But if I could change one thing, it would be...

02:43:23.000 Not that I would necessarily...

02:43:25.000 I like the fact that I talk about the fact that I panicked about losing my hair. 0.95

02:43:29.000 So I got hair transplants and I got a stupid scar on the back of my head. 0.90

02:43:33.000 But, logically, the one thing that makes the least amount of sense... 1.00

02:43:37.000 I should have shaved my fucking head when I was like 21. I should have said, you know what? 0.99

02:43:40.000 This ain't gonna last.

02:43:42.000 I should have just went with it.

02:43:44.000 Because this is so comfortable.

02:43:46.000 It's so easy to do.

02:43:48.000 It's so relaxing.

02:43:49.000 It's a non-factor now.

02:43:50.000 And I know it's still a factor for you, my friend.

02:43:52.000 Here's the thing, man.

02:43:53.000 Here's the real factor.

02:43:55.000 You do every single thing cult leaders do, and I figure, shaving my head, I might as well go to the airport and start handing out USBs with your podcast.

02:44:06.000 Just a little FYI, if I ever do start a cult, I'm not interested in being a leader.

02:44:12.000 No, of course not.

02:44:13.000 They never are.

02:44:13.000 You're a leader.

02:44:14.000 You can be lead.

02:44:15.000 Tell me what to do.

02:44:16.000 I'll let you go. 1.00

02:44:17.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:44:18.000 You can be the leader. 1.00

02:44:19.000 This is what they play on the documentary after the mass suicide.

02:44:25.000 Listen, behind that comet is a spaceship. 1.00

02:44:29.000 It is a spaceship, but they won't take you unless you cut your balls off. 1.00

02:44:32.000 So it's up to you. 1.00

02:44:33.000 You want to live on this earth and be in perpetual hell? 1.00

02:44:37.000 Or you want to cut your balls off, put on the Nikes, and get on this fucking spaceship? 1.00

02:44:41.000 God, Duncan! 1.00

02:44:42.000 Why not?

02:44:43.000 Take some Alphabrain before you do it.

02:44:44.000 Take six.

02:44:45.000 And do some jumping jacks, the Alpha Brain, some refill, some kettlebells, a hemp force.

02:44:52.000 When is the vanilla coming out anyway?

02:44:54.000 It's out.

02:44:55.000 I just got a new bottle of it.

02:44:57.000 It's vanilla with acai, hemp force protein powder. 0.99

02:45:00.000 It's fucking special. 0.99

02:45:02.000 Ooh, delicious. 1.00

02:45:04.000 It's so good.

02:45:05.000 We nailed it.

02:45:06.000 It took a long time.

02:45:07.000 This is not a slow process.

02:45:10.000 First of all, Aubrey is amazing.

02:45:12.000 You want to talk about a pure person, a guy with pure intentions, and a hard-working dude, and a smart guy, and deserves every good thing that's happened to him.

02:45:23.000 He's just an amazing guy.

02:45:25.000 He's a really unique individual.

02:45:27.000 You get it from his podcast, you get it from his...

02:45:30.000 He puts down these videos.

02:45:32.000 He made this one video about the psychedelic experience. 1.00

02:45:36.000 He's a smart motherfucker. 1.00

02:45:38.000 And I found no weaknesses in his fence. 1.00

02:45:41.000 You know, like poking people's fences and shit and trying to figure out where the weakness is. 0.99

02:45:45.000 He's the real deal, man. 0.99

02:45:47.000 He's a young guy, too. 1.00

02:45:48.000 It's very admirable watching someone go about trying to make a business and do it correctly and do it in this day and age with all the scrutiny of the internet and all the cunts just raining down shit rain on your head, 1.00

02:46:04.000 just opening their asshole above your head. 1.00

02:46:06.000 Blah! 1.00

02:46:08.000 It's emptying their bowels of failure upon your head at every point.

02:46:14.000 And in their defense, if you pay attention to most of human behavior, you're going to find people tend to gravitate towards the worst if they can get away with it.

02:46:26.000 They get away with what they can get away with.

02:46:28.000 But the beautiful thing about people who are true psychedelic explorers, and that's a fucking gross term, but I'm going to use it anyway even though it's been co-opted, True psychedelic explorers really are trying to do the right thing at all times, and they understand that you have this beautiful way of describing this thing about acting in a famine state,

02:46:46.000 and that it fucks people up, because they act in this famine state, and the same amount of resources are available, but you go into a panic where someone who acts in a state of community and abundance has a much different reaction from the same amount of resources, the same circumstances, completely based on the attitude.

02:47:02.000 Well, yeah.

02:47:03.000 And to get that sense of abundance, you actually have to experience that there is abundance.

02:47:10.000 That's the thing.

02:47:11.000 You can't fake it.

02:47:12.000 You need to connect with what some people call the source or whatever you want to call it.

02:47:18.000 But once you connect with that thing, you realize that you're going to be fine.

02:47:22.000 Your body isn't going to be fine. 1.00

02:47:24.000 The planet, as George Carlin says, the planet's fine, but humans are fucked. 0.99

02:47:29.000 Well, you go into that state, you realize, well, you're not permanent, but you realize there's a much, much greater thing happening than you. 0.98

02:47:36.000 And once you plug into that, it gets more difficult to get back into those ego games that are usually based on defending whatever you consider to be the most important thing in your life.

02:47:46.000 Yeah, no, I completely agree.

02:47:49.000 Yeah, I completely see where you're coming from.

02:47:53.000 Joey Diaz, you done?

02:47:55.000 You know me, Doug.

02:47:56.000 I'm just waiting here for something.

02:47:58.000 I need to see an opening.

02:47:59.000 I need to see something to feed.

02:48:01.000 You guys are talking about plans.

02:48:03.000 Riders on the storm. 1.00

02:48:05.000 Fucking Galacticos. 1.00

02:48:06.000 We're talking about North Bergen, New Jersey, 1978. Slinging dick like a fucking... 1.00

02:48:10.000 Like a banshee on a trapeze. 1.00

02:48:13.000 Red Band, what's going on? 1.00

02:48:14.000 With a dick like a carpet roll. 1.00

02:48:15.000 Why are you fucking quiet, Red Band? 1.00

02:48:16.000 You're not feeding me lines. 0.99

02:48:18.000 You're not upsetting me about...

02:48:19.000 Joey, this is not Red Band's fault.

02:48:21.000 Both you guys are too high. 1.00

02:48:22.000 You're not fucking talking to me about the fucking... 1.00

02:48:25.000 Nothing! 0.99

02:48:26.000 You don't get a chance to talk on this podcast. 0.99

02:48:30.000 I'm over here waiting for something to drop knowledge when nobody's giving me a fucking lob. 0.99

02:48:34.000 That's nonsense. 0.99

02:48:35.000 They're not even throwing me a fastball, they're just throwing me curves. 0.99

02:48:38.000 Who had the biggest dick in your high school basketball team that you showed that picture? 1.00

02:48:41.000 By the way, Joey Diaz has this live podcast he does once a month and I was on his last one and it was probably one of the funniest One of the most fun times I've ever had in my life.

02:48:54.000 You only do it once a month now?

02:48:55.000 If I'm busy, I can't do Saturdays.

02:48:58.000 I switched up the end of September into the Saturday night or Friday night.

02:49:03.000 It was great. 0.99

02:49:04.000 We had a fucking blast. 0.99

02:49:05.000 It really was a blast. 1.00

02:49:06.000 Really was a blast.

02:49:08.000 Because a lot of people work during the week.

02:49:10.000 So I've been trying to work it out, but this month I got busy.

02:49:14.000 I can only do a Wednesday.

02:49:15.000 But I'll try in November to do a Saturday night or something.

02:49:18.000 Yeah, I think they're a different dynamic.

02:49:21.000 I don't think it's the best way to do all of them, but it's fun to do some of them somewhere.

02:49:24.000 It really is to see what you draw from the audience.

02:49:27.000 And that spot is a great spot to do it.

02:49:29.000 And you get Blaze, and it's dark, and you go up there, and it's the perfect place and time to be funny.

02:49:36.000 It's like going to where they shot Gladiator. 1.00

02:49:39.000 You gotta fucking kill some motherfucker when they throw you in that stage, correct? 1.00

02:49:44.000 Coliseum! 1.00

02:49:44.000 Same thing at the Ice House in that little stage, too. 1.00

02:49:47.000 The energy is so against you. 0.96

02:49:49.000 Remember, you have people to the left of you, people to the right of you, and people in the fucking front of you, which is very rare.

02:49:55.000 You have people taking your corners away, but not that wall. 0.92

02:49:59.000 You can't bomb there.

02:50:01.000 There's no way to run.

02:50:02.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:50:03.000 Yeah.

02:50:03.000 There's no way.

02:50:04.000 It's just...

02:50:04.000 And it's perfect.

02:50:06.000 So you're up there and you're fucking... 1.00

02:50:08.000 It's like that little cheetah the other night. 1.00

02:50:10.000 That little stage was perfect.

02:50:12.000 Even though you had people behind you. 1.00

02:50:14.000 Sometimes that type of shit is good. 0.99

02:50:16.000 You're forced to be real in an intimate environment like that. 1.00

02:50:19.000 You only get five rows.

02:50:20.000 Cheetahs are just like five, six rows. 0.99

02:50:22.000 And it couldn't have been better.

02:50:25.000 That story that I told, that was the best I ever told it ever.

02:50:28.000 And part of it is because of the energy in the room.

02:50:30.000 The energy in the room.

02:50:30.000 Same thing at the Ice House.

02:50:32.000 Yeah.

02:50:33.000 Now, to do a podcast in the theater, that's not for me, I don't think.

02:50:37.000 I think it would turn it into a show host condition.

02:50:40.000 Hey, Duncan, look.

02:50:41.000 Someone sent you a tweet that says, except the inevitable.

02:50:45.000 You look beautiful.

02:50:46.000 Yeah.

02:50:47.000 You look beautiful.

02:50:48.000 It's Duncan bald.

02:50:49.000 That's really good photoshopper.

02:50:51.000 I'll retweet it, Brian.

02:50:52.000 If Duncan went to prison tomorrow, you come out in 10 years, that's what you look like.

02:50:55.000 Nobody would recognize you.

02:50:56.000 Okay, I just retweeted it.

02:50:57.000 It's Duncan, trust me.

02:50:58.000 Put it online. 0.99

02:50:59.000 Bro, you look sexy as fuck like that. 1.00

02:51:00.000 I had a fucking swastika to the forehead, and that's... 1.00

02:51:03.000 Hey! 1.00

02:51:04.000 You always have to go towards evil.

02:51:07.000 Come on, man.

02:51:08.000 What about all the Jews out there?

02:51:11.000 They were fans. 1.00

02:51:13.000 It is your bitches. 1.00

02:51:14.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:51:15.000 Talking about Manson. 1.00

02:51:16.000 Big time pimp. 1.00

02:51:18.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:51:18.000 That's sexy. 1.00

02:51:20.000 See, that doesn't look that bad.

02:51:21.000 That looks beautiful.

02:51:23.000 Come on, Duncan.

02:51:24.000 I'm telling you.

02:51:25.000 That looks better than you look right now.

02:51:27.000 But Malin Khan did not accurately depict my hydrocephalic head.

02:51:31.000 That's a nice smooth head.

02:51:33.000 I've got a warped, misshapen...

02:51:35.000 You don't even know what you're talking about. 0.99

02:51:36.000 I have a fucking smiley scar in the back of my head. 1.00

02:51:39.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

02:51:40.000 It's the ultimate test of your ego.

02:51:42.000 Your ego is trying to convince you that you look better with hair.

02:51:44.000 You do not.

02:51:45.000 You look different with hair.

02:51:46.000 I like it with hair.

02:51:47.000 Okay, that's great then.

02:51:48.000 But you don't look different.

02:51:50.000 Why is there a compulsion in all cult leaders to have people shave their head?

02:51:54.000 This is something that really drives me.

02:51:56.000 Makes you submit. 1.00

02:51:56.000 Because you can't make them shave their asshole. 1.00

02:52:01.000 Nobody else is like, you gotta shave your head. 1.00

02:52:03.000 No one I know is like, shave your head!

02:52:05.000 It'll free you!

02:52:07.000 Riders on the storm.

02:52:11.000 You can follow Duncan Trussell on Twitter. 0.99

02:52:13.000 That's D-U-N-C-A-N-T-R-U-S-S-E-L-L Duncan Trussell in the motherfucking house. 0.98

02:52:22.000 Don't bother following him on Facebook because most of those people aren't even really Duncan. 0.99

02:52:25.000 You're talking to some strange girl.

02:52:28.000 Some girl pretending to be Duncan who's in love with Duncan.

02:52:31.000 There's no imposter. 0.99

02:52:32.000 There's fucking plenty of imposter Duncans. 1.00

02:52:35.000 They're sprouting up as we speak. 1.00

02:52:36.000 How dare you lie to those people out there and not prepare them for the inevitable. 0.99

02:52:41.000 Joey motherfucking Diaz. 0.99

02:52:43.000 What? 0.99

02:52:43.000 You can't get him on Twitter as Joey Diaz. 0.99

02:52:45.000 Mad Flavor.

02:52:46.000 Because he is Mad Flavor.

02:52:47.000 Mad Flavor. 0.81

02:52:48.000 He is the only semi-white dude who's allowed to have a nom de pleur.

02:52:53.000 Is that how you say it?

02:52:54.000 That's right.

02:52:54.000 Yes.

02:52:55.000 Yeah.

02:52:55.000 Thank you.

02:52:56.000 It's a pseudonym, ladies and gentlemen.

02:52:58.000 Mad Flavor.

02:52:59.000 Mad Flavor.

02:53:01.000 Cobbs.

02:53:01.000 With the flying Jew, Ari Shafir.

02:53:02.000 One of the best shows you're going to see, period, anywhere.

02:53:05.000 You're going to have a good time.

02:53:05.000 Tell's up there this week.

02:53:06.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:53:07.000 And then we come in.

02:53:08.000 Christina and P is there Sunday.

02:53:10.000 Tommy Segura from Sunday night. 0.99

02:53:12.000 And then we come in on fucking Wednesday. 0.98

02:53:13.000 That's how we do it. 0.99

02:53:14.000 Opening up doors.

02:53:15.000 Promote.

02:53:16.000 We're ready. 1.00

02:53:16.000 We're there, cocksucker. 1.00

02:53:17.000 Bring the reefer, THC, the Santana alms. 1.00

02:53:21.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:53:22.000 We're coming in hot. 1.00

02:53:24.000 We're coming in hot.

02:53:47.000 I'm trying to get down there.

02:53:48.000 I'm trying to get down there.

02:53:51.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

02:53:59.000 No, I'm going to be at LA Podfest tonight with Mark Maron and Doug Benson doing a live show.

02:54:04.000 But October 31st, Death Squads at American Comedy Co.

02:54:08.000 for Halloween with Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Tripoli, and a lot of surprise guests.

02:54:13.000 And then November 20th, San Francisco Punchline.

02:54:19.000 San Francisco Punchline, by the way, one of the ten greatest clubs in the history of comedy.

02:54:25.000 One of the ten greatest.

02:54:26.000 San Francisco Punchline?

02:54:27.000 Love it.

02:54:28.000 It's right up there with me.

02:54:29.000 It's right up there with the Comedy Store or the Comedy Works in Denver.

02:54:33.000 Right up there with the Comedy Store in Hollywood.

02:54:36.000 Those perfectly designed clubs. 0.99

02:54:38.000 Punchline San Francisco is the fucking bee's knees, Duncan. 0.99

02:54:42.000 Peace. 0.99

02:54:43.000 Anything to add?

02:54:44.000 This is a beautiful 10th podcast or 400th podcast.

02:54:47.000 Whatever it was.

02:54:48.000 We love you.

02:54:49.000 That's it. 1.00

02:54:50.000 I fucking love these motherfuckers. 1.00

02:54:51.000 We love these people. 1.00

02:54:52.000 That moonshine was good.

02:54:53.000 Can you appreciate all this is going on?

02:54:56.000 To me it seems craziness.

02:54:59.000 It seems like it doesn't even make sense.

02:55:01.000 None of it makes sense.

02:55:01.000 There's too many people.

02:55:02.000 There's too many numbers.

02:55:03.000 It's too nutty.

02:55:04.000 I don't want to think about it.

02:55:05.000 We just did Toronto.

02:55:06.000 We did Toronto, me, Callan, and Tommy Segura. 0.97

02:55:09.000 Might have been the fucking craziest weekend we've ever had ever. 0.98

02:55:12.000 It was madness. 0.98

02:55:13.000 When Brian Callan went on stage to open up the show, I really wish I filmed it. 0.99

02:55:20.000 I fucked up and didn't film it. 0.99

02:55:21.000 They went crazy. 1.00

02:55:23.000 Ape shit. 1.00

02:55:25.000 I mean, they went fucking ape shit. 1.00

02:55:27.000 They went crazy. 1.00

02:55:28.000 And then Secure came out, they went crazy.

02:55:30.000 Wow.

02:55:30.000 Toronto was amazing.

02:55:31.000 It was amazing. 0.97

02:55:33.000 It's hard to quantify how fucking good it was. 0.97

02:55:35.000 Toronto's such a cool city. 0.96

02:55:36.000 It's about as cool as it gets.

02:55:38.000 But this thing that we're doing right now, this podcast, has changed my life.

02:55:43.000 And I know it's changed your life, and I know it's changed all of our lives. 0.99

02:55:46.000 It's some crazy shit. 0.98

02:55:47.000 I ain't mad at nobody. 1.00

02:55:48.000 But it's...

02:55:49.000 We found a hole.

02:55:50.000 We found a hole.

02:55:51.000 Pulling people through. 1.00

02:55:53.000 Come on through, fucks. 1.00

02:55:55.000 Alright, we love the shit out of you guys and we will see you next week. 0.99

02:55:59.000 We got a lot of people coming up.

02:56:01.000 I'm in negotiations right now.

02:56:03.000 Not negotiations.

02:56:04.000 Conversations with Sam Harris, Maynard Keenan, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

02:56:08.000 We've got a lot coming up.

02:56:09.000 Greg Proops is coming up.

02:56:10.000 We've got Graham Hancock is coming back.

02:56:14.000 Cool.

02:56:15.000 We should get Dr. Drew, man.

02:56:16.000 Oh, I would love to get Dr. Drew.

02:56:17.000 David Wilcox.

02:56:18.000 We've got a lot of people coming up.

02:56:20.000 A lot of interesting ones into November.

02:56:23.000 I booked a bunch of cool people in November as well.

02:56:26.000 So Dave Asprey's coming back.

02:56:28.000 We've got a lot of people coming back.

02:56:29.000 Alright.

02:56:30.000 Thank you everybody for allowing us to get to this crazy number of 400. We love the fuck out of you people.

02:56:36.000 We can't believe that this has gotten to where it is. 0.94

02:56:39.000 We never saw it coming.

02:56:40.000 Brian and I started almost 400 shows ago.

02:56:43.000 Almost four years ago.

02:56:45.000 Just hanging out in my house with a laptop.

02:56:48.000 Snowflakes.

02:56:49.000 Spinning Apple logo.

02:56:51.000 Yeah, and here we are, having a good time, together, still, growing.

02:56:54.000 And we grow from you, too. 0.99

02:56:56.000 We appreciate the fuck out of you guys. 0.99

02:56:57.000 And believe me, it's no small thing that we have a great sense of... 0.96

02:57:08.000 We owe you guys.

02:57:10.000 I mean, that's how I feel.

02:57:11.000 We have a great sense of attachment.

02:57:15.000 This is not just a one-way street. 0.96

02:57:17.000 And we want you to know that we appreciate the fuck out of you guys.

02:57:20.000 There's a massive amount of appreciation from Joey, from Ari, from Brian, from Duncan, from all of us. 0.99

02:57:25.000 We love the fuck out of you people.

02:57:27.000 From everybody. 0.92

02:57:27.000 Tate and Eddie Bravo feels the same. 0.92

02:57:29.000 We all feel the same.

02:57:30.000 And thank you to all our sponsors as well, all of them, including the one that sponsored this show, LegalZoom.

02:57:35.000 Use the code name Rogan, LegalZoom.com, and save yourself some money.

02:57:39.000 Squarespace.com, use the code word JRE to get yourself a $110 awesome bonus situation type activity.

02:57:48.000 And Onnit.com, use the code name Rogan, save 10% off any other supplements. 0.90

02:57:52.000 Alright, we love the fuck out of you guys.

02:57:54.000 Big kiss. 0.72

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 04, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #400 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz, Duncan Trussell

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript