The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #406 - Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky

00:00:03.000 Hello, freaks. 1.00

00:00:04.000 What the fuck is going on out there in freak world? 1.00

00:00:07.000 And you're like, hey man, I'm not a freak. 1.00

00:00:10.000 But you are.

00:00:12.000 You really are.

00:00:13.000 Everybody is.

00:00:14.000 It's impossible to avoid. 0.92

00:00:15.000 If you think you're not a freak, you're more likely a freak.

00:00:17.000 If you think you're a freak, you're probably normal. 0.78

00:00:20.000 That's probably the truth. 0.99

00:00:21.000 If you're like, I don't fucking fit in, man, you're probably normal. 1.00

00:00:24.000 But all you weirdos who think this makes sense, oh, fuck you. 1.00

00:00:30.000 Fuck you all. 1.00

00:00:32.000 I'm not a freak. 1.00

00:00:33.000 Yes, you are.

00:00:36.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

00:00:41.000 Listen, freaks, I know you need a website.

00:00:44.000 Everybody does. 1.00

00:00:45.000 I've been telling my fucking trainer about this shit for weeks. 1.00

00:00:47.000 Like, oh my god, I gotta do it. 1.00

00:00:48.000 Dude, Brian's done a hundred of them while we've done the commercials. 0.85

00:00:52.000 It's so fucking easy.

00:00:55.000 Squarespace lets you make a real professional-looking website and do it so easily. 0.90

00:01:03.000 And you don't even have to use your money to try it.

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00:01:09.000 What you do is you try, you sign up, you test it, you enter in your information as far as like your name and all that jazz.

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00:01:24.000 So try it out.

00:01:25.000 Create a website and then go, you know what? 0.94

00:01:27.000 This is fucking easy. 0.78

00:01:29.000 This is incredible. 0.99

00:01:30.000 Bam! 0.98

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00:01:34.000 And if you need Squarespace help, if you need help, they offer 24-7 super fast email support and live online chat support.

00:01:43.000 Yeah, you can create really easy websites.

00:01:45.000 You can use your own images.

00:01:47.000 You can create an online store in minutes.

00:01:52.000 You can easily sell music, digital downloads.

00:01:56.000 Say if you're a band.

00:01:58.000 You decide, you know what man?

00:01:59.000 Our band needs a way to sell our music online.

00:02:02.000 You can do that on Squarespace! 1.00

00:02:04.000 Why are you fucking around? 1.00

00:02:06.000 Why are you glued to your couch, you fucking lazy bitch? 1.00

00:02:10.000 Today, just for once in your goddamn life, do it. 1.00

00:02:13.000 Just get up and be the person that you could be. 1.00

00:02:17.000 Live to your fucking potential. 1.00

00:02:19.000 Go make a fucking website. 1.00

00:02:22.000 You can put together an events calendar, social media integrations. 0.99

00:02:25.000 You can, you know, connect it to Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr.

00:02:28.000 It also works on everything. 0.99

00:02:30.000 It works on Android phones, works on Windows, works on a Mac, works on different browsers, which was always the big thing when you had a fucking website. 0.99

00:02:38.000 Like some asshole has to try to break out like Netscape. 0.99

00:02:40.000 Use your shit on Netscape and it comes out of boxes that are fucking stacked on top of each other. 1.00

00:02:45.000 By the way, none of the websites created during the making of this podcast reflect reality. 1.00

00:02:50.000 Tom does not like cock. 0.90

00:02:51.000 He's a happily married man. 0.99

00:02:53.000 To a woman. 0.79

00:02:54.000 These are just jokes.

00:02:55.000 His wife is here, okay?

00:02:56.000 We have actual solid evidence that he likes women.

00:03:00.000 His beard is here. 1.00

00:03:01.000 Tom has butt sex in this house. 1.00

00:03:04.000 And that is online right now. 0.99

00:03:06.000 That's how easy it is to make a website with Squarespace.

00:03:08.000 You know what?

00:03:09.000 This is it.

00:03:09.000 I'm walking off.

00:03:10.000 Come on.

00:03:11.000 My brother!

00:03:12.000 Easy, easy with that.

00:03:14.000 Use the code word Joe and the number 10 and you will save 10%.

00:03:20.000 10 for the month of October.

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00:03:24.000 Includes monthly and annual plans.

00:03:27.000 We are very happy with Squarespace.

00:03:29.000 We like them very much and I cannot recommend them enough.

00:03:32.000 I think it's a really fantastic resource if you want to create your own website.

00:03:38.000 Go there.

00:03:38.000 Code Joe and the number 10. All one word.

00:03:41.000 Joe10.

00:03:41.000 We're also brought to you by Stamps.com.

00:03:43.000 Stamps.com Is a wonderful resource for sending things through the mail. 1.00

00:03:49.000 Oh my goodness, is it so much better than going to the goddamn post office and making someone weigh your packages and shit. 0.99

00:03:57.000 Like, let's just say you create a website with Squarespace, then you could fucking sell the shit that you make on stamps.com. 1.00

00:04:04.000 You print up your own U.S. postage. 0.99

00:04:07.000 They provide you with a digital scale.

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00:04:30.000 No, no, no!

00:04:33.000 It's a sweet scale, though.

00:04:34.000 No!

00:04:35.000 Don't you do it. 1.00

00:04:36.000 And don't try to send that shit through the mail. 1.00

00:04:38.000 Seriously. 0.99

00:04:39.000 If you do, don't use the postage service.

00:04:42.000 That's a federal crime.

00:04:44.000 Super illegal. 1.00

00:04:45.000 What you need to do is hire someone who doesn't speak English and have them walk that shit there for you. 1.00

00:04:49.000 There you go. 1.00

00:04:50.000 Preferably somebody that just arrived.

00:04:51.000 And from a really, like, safe country, like Germany.

00:04:55.000 Somewhere, like, you know, you're not going to, like, red flag a German guy walking, like, this guy's fine.

00:05:02.000 He's fine.

00:05:02.000 Blonde hair.

00:05:03.000 He's probably just out engineering or some shit. 0.85

00:05:07.000 Stamp.com, use the code word JRE to get your $110 bonus offer.

00:05:12.000 If you've ever seen any of those Death Squad kitty cat shirts that John, uh, John.

00:05:15.000 John, John the Taylor Thomas.

00:05:17.000 That Brian, Brian makes.

00:05:19.000 I don't know why I call you John.

00:05:20.000 Everyone calls me John.

00:05:21.000 That's my real name.

00:05:22.000 No, I'm reading and talking at the same time.

00:05:24.000 Those are all sent by this service.

00:05:26.000 It's so simple.

00:05:27.000 It's what Brian uses.

00:05:29.000 I've talked to quite a few people that sell things and send them through the mail on stamps.com because the postman actually comes to your house, you give them the packages, and you're diggity-diggity done. 0.99

00:05:39.000 That's what Tommy and Christine do to sell all their shit. 1.00

00:05:41.000 Absolutely. 1.00

00:05:41.000 We used Dance.com before they sponsored your mom's house. 1.00

00:05:45.000 See this?

00:05:47.000 It's good.

00:05:48.000 It really is good. 1.00

00:05:48.000 You guys sell a lot of shit through your mom's house, right? 1.00

00:05:50.000 You're big on like... 1.00

00:05:52.000 What was the one line?

00:05:54.000 The new one? 0.95

00:05:55.000 The black guy that's yelling something like that? 0.99

00:05:57.000 Bikes! 0.99

00:05:58.000 Yeah.

00:05:59.000 The new Bikes shirt. 0.90

00:06:00.000 Huge seller.

00:06:01.000 It's so cute watching them work together, too.

00:06:04.000 You go home and they have their whole little setup and they share...

00:06:10.000 We'll talk about that in a minute.

00:06:12.000 We'll talk about that in a minute because I do want to bring that up because you guys are adorable.

00:06:17.000 Anyway, that's Stamps.com.

00:06:18.000 The code word is J-R-E. Use that and get yourself your $110 bonus offer.

00:06:24.000 It's an excellent product.

00:06:26.000 Used by both Your Mom's House Podcast and DeathSquad.tv.

00:06:30.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:06:32.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. If you haven't been to Onnit in a while...

00:06:35.000 We don't just have supplements anymore.

00:06:39.000 We started calling the company a human optimization company.

00:06:44.000 This is a human optimization site. 0.79

00:06:46.000 What we have is not just supplements, but we also have videos and there's blogs up and inspirational shit that Aubrey puts up.

00:06:54.000 We're trying to sell things that we use.

00:06:56.000 I'm trying to sell the things that I use as far as strength and conditioning equipment like kettlebells and battle ropes.

00:07:01.000 All that stuff I use.

00:07:03.000 Ab wheels and chin-up bars.

00:07:05.000 All these things that promote functional strength as well as all the different healthy supplements and foods that we eat. 0.91

00:07:12.000 We're just trying to sell you the best shit possible for increasing human cognition, for recovering quicker, for keeping your body healthy, for strengthening your immune system. 0.92

00:07:21.000 All of the above. 0.98

00:07:22.000 That's onnit.com.

00:07:23.000 O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN. You will save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:07:28.000 Aren't you dirty bitches? 1.00

00:07:30.000 Tom motherfucking Segura. 1.00

00:07:32.000 And Christina, her last name should be Segura. 0.99

00:07:39.000 Boom.

00:07:40.000 Hit the music, son.

00:07:42.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:07:44.000 Train by day.

00:07:45.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

00:07:47.000 All day.

00:07:49.000 Booyah! 0.99

00:07:50.000 Booyah! 1.00

00:07:52.000 Tom, motherfucking cigar, Christina, motherfucking buzzer scream! 1.00

00:07:56.000 And December 31st, there's a big Death Squad show at the American Comedy Company in San Diego, California. 1.00

00:08:04.000 California.

00:08:05.000 And I know of at least one person who you can't even say his name that he's going to be there because he's not contractually allowed to. 0.94

00:08:12.000 But he's fucking hilarious. 0.67

00:08:13.000 So that's at least one that you know. 0.99

00:08:15.000 We can't even tell you who's on this fucking show is what we're trying to say. 1.00

00:08:18.000 It's some top secret shit. 1.00

00:08:20.000 It's Halloween. 1.00

00:08:20.000 There might be zombies. 1.00

00:08:22.000 I got my Halloween outfit also. 0.96

00:08:23.000 It's a bad ass.

00:08:25.000 What are you going to be, Bri, Bri? 0.96

00:08:26.000 A man.

00:08:27.000 My hat is a tip.

00:08:28.000 I'm sorry.

00:08:29.000 My hat is a tip.

00:08:31.000 I know what you're going to be.

00:08:32.000 I know exactly what you're going to be.

00:08:34.000 Your hat is a tip.

00:08:35.000 Can I guess? 1.00

00:08:35.000 You're a dickhead? 1.00

00:08:36.000 You're going to be a dolphin vagina. 1.00

00:08:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:08:38.000 It's a dolphin with pubic hair.

00:08:40.000 This is a mess.

00:08:42.000 And this right now.

00:08:43.000 And this path of thinking and communication.

00:08:46.000 Stop.

00:08:48.000 Oh, Brian.

00:08:49.000 What I was going to say is that you guys, when we were talking in the commercials, you guys, like, are the only comedian couple that I know where it actually works.

00:08:57.000 That's why I hate generalizations.

00:08:59.000 I hate generalizations.

00:09:01.000 They drive me nuts.

00:09:02.000 Because, you know, when someone says, well, you know, all these men are angry this, or all these women are angry that, or, you know, this is that, and that...

00:09:09.000 Well, comedians, they can never get along together.

00:09:12.000 It just doesn't work.

00:09:13.000 Two creative people, two people that think they're funny together, it's not gonna work.

00:09:17.000 It never does. 0.86

00:09:18.000 It's always like, either the girl's funnier than the guy, or the guy's funnier than the girl, and there's always this weird fucking resentment thing.

00:09:24.000 You guys are the only ones that I know that actually pull it off. 0.82

00:09:28.000 I know.

00:09:29.000 Where you're both funny.

00:09:30.000 What's up?

00:09:30.000 And you actually are like, you're really best friends.

00:09:33.000 We are.

00:09:33.000 On top of being married.

00:09:35.000 Like, you have this air of, it's very different than the air of most couples, you know?

00:09:40.000 You think so?

00:09:40.000 Much different.

00:09:41.000 Much different.

00:09:42.000 Well, I think we enjoy each other.

00:09:44.000 Legitimately.

00:09:44.000 Like, we enjoy each other's sense of humor.

00:09:46.000 Legit, yeah.

00:09:47.000 Yeah.

00:09:47.000 And I think he's super talented and amazing.

00:09:50.000 Yeah.

00:09:50.000 That's the weird thing about it.

00:09:52.000 You guys, you both actually like each other.

00:09:53.000 We do.

00:09:54.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:09:55.000 We support each other.

00:09:55.000 Trying to figure it out.

00:09:57.000 I've been trying to, I'm studying guys for years.

00:09:59.000 I'm like, there's something wrong here.

00:10:00.000 It is funny.

00:10:00.000 I didn't know what's wrong with them.

00:10:01.000 I didn't realize it.

00:10:02.000 And then I, a guy, a guy who's married to a comic, or was, I don't know anymore, because I haven't seen him in a while.

00:10:09.000 But he was like, hey man, he saw me at an audition.

00:10:12.000 He's like, You get pissed when Christina gets something and you don't get it?

00:10:16.000 That's the best.

00:10:17.000 And I go, no.

00:10:18.000 That's super healthy, yeah.

00:10:19.000 I don't.

00:10:20.000 That's super healthy.

00:10:21.000 He goes, that's my problem, man.

00:10:23.000 I get super pissed when my wife gets something. 1.00

00:10:26.000 Wow.

00:10:26.000 That's not good.

00:10:28.000 You need to go to a doctor.

00:10:29.000 Word.

00:10:30.000 But that's a natural reaction with a lot of people that have never thought about their thinking.

00:10:33.000 A lot of people's thinking just operates on momentum. 1.00

00:10:36.000 And, you know, you might say, oh, that guy's an asshole. 1.00

00:10:38.000 And they might be an asshole in all respects because of the way they behave. 1.00

00:10:42.000 But it's the paths that get you onto thinking like that that are the real problem. 1.00

00:10:46.000 Right. 1.00

00:10:46.000 It's like a lot of people when they do asshole as shit, while they're doing the asshole as shit, they're barely even aware that they're doing it. 1.00

00:10:52.000 Right. 1.00

00:10:52.000 They just... 1.00

00:10:53.000 You know, they have something wrong with them, whatever it is.

00:10:57.000 Emotionally, whatever is in balance, and it just comes out like that.

00:11:00.000 But a lot of it is just like, how do you get to that?

00:11:03.000 Like, how do you think about things?

00:11:05.000 Like, what is your choice that you make?

00:11:06.000 Like, when someone...

00:11:07.000 If you feel guilt, or you feel rather...

00:11:11.000 I'm not guilt, I was jealousy.

00:11:13.000 Right.

00:11:13.000 If you feel jealousy because your spouse got something, if you feel that, you should repel that.

00:11:20.000 You should figure out what the fuck is wrong with that and go, no, no, no. 0.56

00:11:24.000 This should be inspiring. 0.93

00:11:26.000 This should be wonderful.

00:11:27.000 This should be fantastic.

00:11:29.000 Whatever it is that's trying to flare up its ugly green head, you've got to learn how to suppress that.

00:11:34.000 Some people never do.

00:11:35.000 Or explore why the feeling is there.

00:11:37.000 Yes.

00:11:37.000 Because usually when you're jealous of something someone else is doing, it's because you want that thing and maybe you're not doing what you need to be doing.

00:11:44.000 Absolutely.

00:11:45.000 That's really what that is.

00:11:46.000 Absolutely.

00:11:46.000 There's a lot of that for sure, but I think there's a few elements.

00:11:49.000 I think there's also just a natural competitive element that a lot of people have to fight off that they don't realize this person is not your enemy just because this person is winning.

00:11:58.000 This person is not your enemy because they're ahead of you in this race.

00:12:01.000 That's just inspiration.

00:12:03.000 That's just a person.

00:12:03.000 If you decide to create a gang of enemies for everybody, you can do it.

00:12:09.000 Or you can have a gang of friends and just inspire each other. 0.97

00:12:13.000 That's totally possible as well with the same group of people if everybody gets their shit together.

00:12:18.000 Yeah, we were just talking about kind of the atmosphere that you fostered by being supportive of other comedians, and that's actually very rare.

00:12:26.000 I don't think a lot of people are secure enough to do that, and it's awesome.

00:12:31.000 What we were talking about is indicative of truly successful people try to make other people, inspire other people to be successful.

00:12:42.000 Because you're not afraid of...

00:12:46.000 Bringing people along and trying to encourage their success.

00:12:49.000 Well, a lot of people are afraid of losing their gig.

00:12:52.000 A lot of people are afraid of someone bumping them out.

00:12:54.000 But I've got a lot of gigs. 0.98

00:12:56.000 I just keep doing different shit. 0.94

00:12:57.000 And if I didn't do any of these things, I'll find something else to do. 0.99

00:13:00.000 There's a lot of shit out there to do, man. 0.99

00:13:02.000 If you get tripped up on what other people are doing, you're missing out on your own life. 1.00

00:13:07.000 You've got to look at everybody who's doing something awesome and go, fuck yeah. 0.99

00:13:11.000 That's what you've got to do. 0.99

00:13:12.000 You've got to go, that can help me. 1.00

00:13:14.000 I see this motherfucker out there humping. 0.99

00:13:15.000 When I find out about a guy who's a really hard worker, like a Daniel Tosh, Daniel Tosh is a super hard worker. 0.99

00:13:24.000 He and I had this conversation because he got accused of being a lazy writer.

00:13:30.000 During that whole heckler thing, someone called him lazy.

00:13:35.000 You know that whole heckler thing where some woman yelled out, uh, rape is never funny? 1.00

00:13:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:13:40.000 And he goes, wouldn't it be funny if five guys raped her right now? 1.00

00:13:42.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:13:42.000 Which was really funny. 0.99

00:13:44.000 Very rude.

00:13:45.000 But I described that on stage.

00:13:47.000 I'm like, that's actually the move.

00:13:49.000 That's actually what you would do.

00:13:50.000 Like, if you're a black belt in comedy... 0.97

00:13:51.000 It's the equivalent to the counter to the over-committed kimura, the far side arm bar.

00:13:56.000 Like if you're doing jujitsu and a guy tries to commit to a kimura but he doesn't have control of his body, you spin around and you take the far side arm bar.

00:14:03.000 It's a standard move if you know jujitsu.

00:14:05.000 It's the black belt move. 0.99

00:14:07.000 This is the black belt move in a comedy club. 1.00

00:14:09.000 If someone says rape is never funny, like, oh god, you sanctimonious, self-righteous fuckhead. 1.00

00:14:14.000 Is it? 1.00

00:14:14.000 I didn't know. 1.00

00:14:15.000 I thought it was hilarious.

00:14:16.000 I thought it was, yeah. 1.00

00:14:17.000 How stupid are you? 1.00

00:14:18.000 You're making a statement That's so ridiculous. 1.00

00:14:21.000 Of course it's never funny, but it's funny right there because he just made it funny. 0.98

00:14:26.000 It's not the actual rape, but the use of the word.

00:14:28.000 Sure. 0.66

00:14:29.000 Then he got accused of being lazy. 1.00

00:14:30.000 That fucking guy is the least lazy person I know. 1.00

00:14:33.000 He pumps it. 1.00

00:14:34.000 When I go to...

00:14:35.000 He doesn't go there as much anymore, but for a long time, every time I would go to Hermosa Beach, he used to live really close to the club.

00:14:43.000 He would come in...

00:14:45.000 And I'm saying like, if I did five spots in a row there, he would have fucking five pages of notes and try new jokes every single set. 0.95

00:14:54.000 Yeah, he's always working, man. 0.68

00:14:56.000 But my point was that I see a guy like that and I get totally fired up to work.

00:15:02.000 I get fired up to create, like when I see someone have a new set, like if a new guy comes in town, like Chappelle used to come to the store all the time and he would come and I'd watch them do like an hour and just, God, I want to go right.

00:15:13.000 I just immediately want to go right.

00:15:15.000 And that's a super important thing for artists.

00:15:19.000 You can really waste a lot of energy on that jealousy thing. 1.00

00:15:24.000 It's super easy to do.

00:15:26.000 And here's the thing, though.

00:15:27.000 It doesn't just waste time.

00:15:30.000 It doesn't just waste thinking.

00:15:32.000 Because it takes away... 0.99

00:15:34.000 From that time and that thinking from really good shit you could have been doing. 1.00

00:15:38.000 You could have been busting your ass writing new jokes. 0.99

00:15:41.000 You could have been thinking about how to improve yourself. 0.99

00:15:43.000 You could have been reading a book on accepting a new empowering philosophy in your life.

00:15:48.000 You could have been doing so many different things instead of tripping out about somebody else.

00:15:52.000 But you see it all the time!

00:15:55.000 It's essentially...

00:15:57.000 When people are writing these really critical blogs Oh, that one makes me bananas.

00:16:05.000 Yeah, I mean, they're essentially doing the same thing.

00:16:07.000 Yeah.

00:16:08.000 They're essentially doing the same thing.

00:16:09.000 Because nobody's writing, like, these super hypercritical blogs.

00:16:12.000 Nobody knows people are happy.

00:16:13.000 Nobody knows people are successful.

00:16:14.000 They're, like, in this weird limbo.

00:16:17.000 I shouldn't say none of them.

00:16:18.000 I said I hate generalizations, and I made one.

00:16:19.000 No, it's okay. 0.98

00:16:20.000 I'm a hypocrite. 0.97

00:16:21.000 Well, it's kind of like... 0.90

00:16:22.000 It's a little bit of that, too, exists in, like...

00:16:25.000 Disproportionate criticism.

00:16:27.000 Yeah.

00:16:27.000 But almost like to go out of your way to tag a YouTube video as how much you hate it.

00:16:34.000 You're like, it's really not about that video.

00:16:36.000 It's about other things.

00:16:38.000 Oh, sometimes it is, though.

00:16:39.000 Well, yeah.

00:16:39.000 Sometimes it's about that video.

00:16:41.000 Sometimes it is.

00:16:41.000 But sometimes it's not.

00:16:43.000 Sometimes it's not. 1.00

00:16:44.000 The sheer volume of shit that's on the internet. 1.00

00:16:48.000 Did you lose your power or sound? 1.00

00:16:51.000 Disconnect?

00:16:51.000 There we go.

00:16:52.000 The sheer volume of shit that's on the internet now. 0.99

00:16:56.000 I've been, you know, writing this bit, or been doing this bit on stage lately about the evolution of porn from when I was a child, but it's just... 0.99

00:17:06.000 It's hard for me to stop and think about a time where nothing came to you from the internet.

00:17:13.000 Right.

00:17:13.000 But I grew up in that time.

00:17:15.000 Right.

00:17:15.000 That was how I grew up.

00:17:17.000 Most of your life.

00:17:17.000 Yeah, most of my life.

00:17:19.000 And so now when I look at it, it's just become this normal part of my everyday existence.

00:17:25.000 For kids, I can't imagine growing up with it.

00:17:30.000 It's such a different world.

00:17:32.000 The amount of information they get.

00:17:34.000 Actually, let's go back to this pornography thing, because we were just talking about that.

00:17:39.000 The stuff that I saw first, from the 80s, like Ron Jeremy.

00:17:43.000 I grew up on Ron Jeremy, full bush.

00:17:45.000 It was always playful scenarios, like, there's a forklift, let's hump on it.

00:17:49.000 And now I feel like it's so aggressive.

00:17:52.000 Yeah.

00:17:53.000 And it doesn't feel consensual and fun as it did in the 70s and 80s.

00:17:57.000 Well, there's still some consensual stuff, but the problem is the aggressive stuff is really popular.

00:18:02.000 It sells really well.

00:18:03.000 It's not the most popular thing, but it's just so shocking that you focus on it.

00:18:08.000 I guess, yeah.

00:18:08.000 You find it and you go, Jesus Christ.

00:18:10.000 I watched this Sasha Gray video. 0.99

00:18:13.000 It was just like this blowjob gangbang. 0.99

00:18:15.000 And I was like, wow. 0.99

00:18:18.000 Where's a person's head at while all these different guys are just balls deep in her face? 1.00

00:18:24.000 Like throat fucking. 1.00

00:18:25.000 Throat fucking. 1.00

00:18:26.000 And she's like telling him how much his ball stinks and asking him if he ever washes his fucking balls. 1.00

00:18:31.000 Then she spits on his dick and just... 1.00

00:18:33.000 It's like, god damn. 1.00

00:18:37.000 Like, that's a totally different thing than one of those 1980s Ron Jeremy, you know, softer era porn. 0.99

00:18:46.000 It sounds like just good filmmaking right there. 0.99

00:18:48.000 Yeah, I mean, those people back then were fucking, yeah, they were having sex and everything. 0.99

00:18:52.000 It was all that. 0.99

00:18:52.000 But there's such a difference between that and, like, this thing they're doing now. 0.99

00:18:58.000 Every guy is on, like, 15 pills of Viagra. 1.00

00:19:01.000 Their dicks are crowbars. 1.00

00:19:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:03.000 I mean, their dicks never go limp, and they just stick it everywhere, and you fuck their mouth, and you fuck their mouth. 1.00

00:19:11.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying, and it felt like the Nina Hartleys back then. 1.00

00:19:15.000 Those women were like, I love sex, I'm pro-sex, and let's make these movies. 1.00

00:19:20.000 What do you think that is?

00:19:22.000 Why is it like that?

00:19:23.000 What was it like or why is it now?

00:19:26.000 Why did that become a genre?

00:19:28.000 When it didn't exist initially, why is it a genre now?

00:19:32.000 The aggression thing?

00:19:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:33.000 Because it's a part of humanity that needs to be expressed and now it is.

00:19:38.000 Like you said, there's a bit of a taboo attached maybe.

00:19:40.000 I don't know.

00:19:41.000 Yeah, I think that's probably a lot of it, right?

00:19:44.000 I did a joke about it on my Thrilled CD about 80s porn, and then a porn star heard it and wrote to me from the 80s, and she was like, yeah, when we did porn back then, it was like we were like a fam, not, you know, 0.92

00:20:00.000 incestuous, but it was like we all did it, and you were buddies with the sound guy, almost like, what's that fucking movie? 0.93

00:20:08.000 The Dirk Diggler. 0.99

00:20:09.000 Boogie Nights.

00:20:10.000 Everybody knew each other, and it was like you knew that camp real well.

00:20:14.000 And I think it was probably a lot fewer people doing it because there's no...

00:20:20.000 You released it on film at that point.

00:20:24.000 And then now it's like, hold up your handheld camera. 0.71

00:20:28.000 They shoot a fucking thousand scenes a day, and everybody knows you can put it online, and you've got to tap into a market, right? 0.70

00:20:35.000 So there's different genres, and it's all about just... 0.98

00:20:38.000 Creating as much content as possible and hitting every realm of sexuality that you can't even imagine.

00:20:44.000 There's not even porn stars anymore.

00:20:46.000 Back in the day, everyone had their porn stars, like their Jenna James and stuff.

00:20:50.000 Nowadays, there's so many girls doing it because of cam sites and stuff like that, that seems like it's just diluted the whole entire waters of... 1.00

00:20:59.000 And the tube sites have been crushing that business, from what I understand.

00:21:03.000 What's funny because that business is a legit business.

00:21:06.000 It was making billions of dollars a year.

00:21:08.000 It was totally legal.

00:21:09.000 And yet, when the economy collapsed and the internet came along and sucked porn dry.

00:21:17.000 Like, you know, literally.

00:21:18.000 Like, porn's dead.

00:21:20.000 As far as the amount of money those guys used to make producing it, they used to sell DVDs.

00:21:25.000 The DVDs would sell a lot.

00:21:27.000 And like $50 DVDs, right?

00:21:29.000 It was expensive.

00:21:30.000 Yeah, that business still exists to a certain extent, but a lot of it is evaporated.

00:21:36.000 And because it's evaporated, the business has been hit hard.

00:21:40.000 But nobody ever thinks about bailing out the porn business.

00:21:44.000 That is the last thing the government would ever do.

00:21:47.000 I mean, if you think about like you're trying to protect the economy and different businesses are, you know, critical to the economy.

00:21:54.000 Yes.

00:21:54.000 Porn might be critical to the economy.

00:21:56.000 To Americans, definitely.

00:21:57.000 Definitely.

00:21:58.000 Definitely.

00:21:59.000 But why the multiple dick thing? 0.77

00:22:00.000 Why? 0.98

00:22:03.000 I'm with it to a point.

00:22:04.000 Yeah, like the aggression.

00:22:06.000 And maybe it has something to do about...

00:22:08.000 Are we repressing aggression in society?

00:22:10.000 And is that why it's coming out?

00:22:11.000 Well, we definitely are doing that.

00:22:13.000 Especially if people don't exercise.

00:22:14.000 There you go.

00:22:15.000 We're definitely doing that.

00:22:16.000 Because we're...

00:22:17.000 We're moving towards an era where it won't be necessary anymore, where aggression won't be necessary anymore.

00:22:23.000 I really believe that.

00:22:24.000 I think that that's ultimately what's...

00:22:26.000 The reason why people are avoiding...

00:22:28.000 They're a bore of violence and why they hate, you know...

00:22:33.000 All the evil aspects of life, like war.

00:22:36.000 The reason why all that is because I think the human mind as a whole recognizes that it's operating on some really old ideas that it doesn't need to do anymore.

00:22:44.000 And eventually we're going to move towards a point where there's some sort of complete consolidation of the human race as far as our ability to communicate with each other.

00:22:53.000 I hope so.

00:22:55.000 I think we're moving towards this time of not doing all that stuff.

00:23:00.000 I think it's pretty clear.

00:23:01.000 I know.

00:23:02.000 Can I tell you, though?

00:23:03.000 I mean, have you done the Middle East?

00:23:05.000 No.

00:23:06.000 No, I'm not going over there.

00:23:07.000 I know.

00:23:07.000 See?

00:23:07.000 And that reaction is right.

00:23:09.000 Yeah.

00:23:10.000 Because I've been there like two times.

00:23:12.000 And part of me goes, I sure hope the human race gets it together and we can communicate.

00:23:17.000 And then you go, some cultures are so incompatible with our Western way of being.

00:23:22.000 Yeah.

00:23:22.000 Like, will we ever be able to?

00:23:24.000 I think the internet's going to open all that shit up. 0.98

00:23:26.000 I really do. 0.99

00:23:27.000 I think it's only a matter of time.

00:23:28.000 I think you can't hold it back for more than a generation or two.

00:23:32.000 I think eventually it's just going to overwhelm it.

00:23:35.000 Right.

00:23:35.000 The places that it's being kind of repressed now will eventually...

00:23:38.000 Yeah.

00:23:38.000 You can't stop it.

00:23:39.000 Well, you know what you're not going to be able to stop?

00:23:41.000 The death of religion.

00:23:42.000 Never.

00:23:43.000 You're not going to stop it.

00:23:44.000 That is a fundamental human need to want something bigger than yourself to fear death so much that you need that.

00:23:50.000 Yeah, I was actually saying that you're not going to stop the death of religion.

00:23:54.000 That it won't exist in the future.

00:23:56.000 Oh, right, right, right.

00:23:57.000 Right, right, right.

00:23:58.000 You don't agree with it.

00:23:58.000 You think it's always going to be...

00:24:00.000 I don't know if humans will...

00:24:01.000 The thing is that humans are fundamentally afraid of...

00:24:04.000 They're afraid of dying, right?

00:24:05.000 There's the death drive and the sex drive, as Freud said.

00:24:08.000 Yeah.

00:24:08.000 And I think that humans are so afraid of...

00:24:11.000 Of the unknown, of the part we don't know.

00:24:14.000 And then that's a great comfort.

00:24:15.000 And it's existed since we've existed.

00:24:17.000 Yeah.

00:24:18.000 It'll always exist.

00:24:19.000 God.

00:24:19.000 But I think that's just the sense of wonder and also the knowledge that we're finite.

00:24:24.000 You know, that freaks us out.

00:24:26.000 That's terrifying.

00:24:26.000 So in a sense, I agree with you in definitely the sense that people replace it.

00:24:30.000 So if it's not going to be God, then it's going to be like spirituality and yoga.

00:24:35.000 Yeah, that's what I am.

00:24:36.000 That's where I'm at.

00:24:38.000 I just feel the oneness of the universe.

00:24:40.000 Or if you've done mushrooms, you go, oh, okay.

00:24:43.000 Yes.

00:24:43.000 Okay, this might get real weird.

00:24:45.000 Yeah, because I think that New Age Oprah stuff is replacing traditional religion. 0.69

00:24:49.000 It would be all replaced by mushrooms if they were legal.

00:24:52.000 Yeah.

00:24:52.000 All those dummies would be out of business.

00:24:53.000 Deepak Chopra, out of business. 0.90

00:24:55.000 Just from Trimbley?

00:24:56.000 All of them. 1.00

00:24:57.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:24:57.000 The philosophy of the world would change. 1.00

00:24:59.000 We were talking about, I think you get a totally different perspective on religion.

00:25:05.000 Yeah.

00:25:26.000 For what, however you view that, and if you go back 2,000 years and seeing Christianity evolve.

00:25:31.000 Absolutely.

00:25:31.000 It's got to be very similar.

00:25:33.000 Absolutely, except the distribution of information is much freer.

00:25:36.000 It's much freer, yeah.

00:25:36.000 Back then it was much more secretive, and you know, when Constantine and all those bishops got together and created the New Testament, you know, they got to decide.

00:25:43.000 People got to decide what stays in, what goes out.

00:25:46.000 Yeah.

00:25:46.000 You know, they got to decide what they put in and say, it's just, come on.

00:25:50.000 But it makes you want, like, when you go, because you hear a lot of, you know, people obviously be hypercritical of Scientology, and you go, this is absurd.

00:25:58.000 You know, they criticize everything about it, and you go, well, if you go back, you know, how is your thing more valuable?

00:26:05.000 The Catholic Church was tithing people.

00:26:07.000 You're talking about angels and saints.

00:26:09.000 Right.

00:26:09.000 You know, and immaculate conception.

00:26:12.000 Well, you're like, yeah, but we've been doing that for a couple thousand years.

00:26:15.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:26:16.000 That's the only argument, is that it's way older.

00:26:18.000 There's a new scholar that claims, or a new published work by the scholar that claims that Jesus was a creation, and that the Romans made him up as a hoax.

00:26:29.000 What?

00:26:30.000 Yeah.

00:26:30.000 He's the author of a book entitled Caesar's Messiah, the Roman Conspiracy to Invent Jesus.

00:26:36.000 It asserts that Christianity did not begin as a religion but was actually a sophisticated government propaganda exercise used to pacify subjects of the Roman Empire.

00:26:46.000 His take on Jesus is not new, apparently.

00:26:49.000 In 1844, Karl Marx famously declared religion as the opiate of the masses.

00:26:54.000 History is filled with skeptics, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:26:57.000 It's based on what he described as an important, revealing parallels between a first-person account of first-century Judea, which was an ancient Roman province, now a part of Israel and Palestine, and the New Testament.

00:27:13.000 Sequence of events, locations in Jesus' ministry are more or less the same as the sequence of events and locations of the military campaign of Emperor Titus Flavius, as described by Josephus.

00:27:26.000 Atwill wrote in a blog on his website.

00:27:29.000 Isn't it cool that they were like Josephus?

00:27:32.000 That would have been your name.

00:27:33.000 That would have been my name.

00:27:34.000 Or it would be your name if you live in like Virginia.

00:27:36.000 Virginia.

00:27:37.000 This is Josephus.

00:27:39.000 Josephus makes the moonshine. 0.99

00:27:40.000 There's moonshine you can buy at the store, but that's bullshit. 0.99

00:27:43.000 Ask Tickle. 0.99

00:27:44.000 You want to get it from Josephus.

00:27:46.000 We gotta use hickory wood.

00:27:47.000 If you don't use hickory wood, you ain't making good moonshine.

00:27:51.000 I like a little peach sometimes.

00:27:53.000 A little peach wood.

00:27:54.000 A peach of hard wood.

00:27:55.000 A peach of hard wood.

00:27:56.000 Tickle and popcorn and Josephus will get you what you need.

00:27:59.000 Yo, Tickle has his own show now.

00:28:00.000 So who knows whether or not this guy's right.

00:28:02.000 But it makes sense.

00:28:04.000 It makes sense what you're saying.

00:28:06.000 When you see something like Scientology in our lifetime where you know, oh, it's L. Ron Hubbard.

00:28:11.000 That guy lived.

00:28:12.000 There's photos of him.

00:28:13.000 There he is. 0.99

00:28:14.000 And then you read the other shit that he wrote and you go, hold on a minute. 1.00

00:28:20.000 Hold on a minute. 1.00

00:28:21.000 Wait.

00:28:22.000 No way.

00:28:23.000 You mean like anyone can start one of these?

00:28:25.000 I got a Dianetics book in the mail.

00:28:27.000 I ordered it because when I first moved to California, I was, you know, watching TV late at night.

00:28:33.000 Yeah.

00:28:33.000 You know, like first time living out here and I didn't know anybody.

00:28:37.000 So I spent a lot of time watching TV and there was an ad for Dianetics. 0.98

00:28:42.000 I'm like, damn, I gotta get some Dianetics. 1.00

00:28:43.000 Improved my fucking life. 1.00

00:28:44.000 I didn't know Dianetics was Scientology. 0.99

00:28:46.000 So I buy the book, and it comes to my house, and I leaf through it a little bit.

00:28:51.000 It seems interesting ideas they have. 0.99

00:28:54.000 And these motherfuckers never stopped trying to get me to join. 1.00

00:28:59.000 Really? 1.00

00:28:59.000 They send you these things in the mail. 1.00

00:29:01.000 They would send you these things in the mail constantly, like some new thing and some new offer, and come down here and get a personality test.

00:29:07.000 They're like very diligent.

00:29:09.000 Relentless.

00:29:09.000 They're very diligent.

00:29:10.000 And someone who is just 94, someone who would buy one of those books because trying to get your shit together, those are the type of people that you would really want to target.

00:29:20.000 If you want to have a nice group of people that you can control. 0.89

00:29:24.000 No kidding.

00:29:25.000 The vulnerable when you're at your lowest, right?

00:29:27.000 I was in San Diego filming a show, and right by where we were filming, there was one of those personality tests, stress tests, and an e-meter.

00:29:37.000 And I went over there, and I took it.

00:29:40.000 The guy sat down.

00:29:41.000 It was interesting, because I got a nice read from him.

00:29:45.000 The guy was in his 50s. 0.99

00:29:46.000 He had no idea who the fuck I was. 0.99

00:29:47.000 So it was perfect. 0.99

00:29:49.000 So I sat down with the guy.

00:29:51.000 There wasn't any weirdness.

00:29:52.000 Like, hey, is Fear Factor coming back?

00:29:54.000 Yeah.

00:29:55.000 It was just some old dude.

00:29:57.000 What do you do?

00:29:58.000 And I forgot what I told him.

00:29:59.000 I don't think I told him the truth.

00:30:01.000 Or I told him a version of the truth.

00:30:04.000 So I'm holding these things.

00:30:05.000 He's asking me questions about my childhood.

00:30:08.000 Like, did you ever have a cat that died? 0.99

00:30:09.000 Like shit like that. 0.99

00:30:10.000 And I'm like, this is hilarious. 0.99

00:30:12.000 And I'm like, what happens?

00:30:13.000 These tubes are telling you what?

00:30:15.000 What are they telling you?

00:30:16.000 There's like a reading that goes through these tubes.

00:30:18.000 You're holding on to cans.

00:30:20.000 They're like coffee cans.

00:30:21.000 He's on the other end of them?

00:30:22.000 There's a wire, and it's attached to a machine.

00:30:24.000 It's supposed to read your stress.

00:30:26.000 Whoa.

00:30:28.000 Yeah, and from that, they can sort of give an assessment of, you know, when they prescribe Scientology.

00:30:33.000 Yeah, because aren't they called, like, engrams or something?

00:30:36.000 I don't understand it.

00:30:37.000 Where you're scarred from certain moments of your life, and then they go back and try to undo the scarring.

00:30:42.000 Yes.

00:30:43.000 Did he tell you what was wrong with you, though?

00:30:45.000 Yeah, what was wrong with you?

00:30:46.000 It's pretty normal, so I could use Scientology, though.

00:30:50.000 Of course.

00:30:51.000 You can always use it.

00:30:53.000 Well, you know, I think the deal with Scientology or anything where a lot of successful people are a part of it, though, like John Travolta and Tom Cruise, and Tom Cruise especially is a very ultra-successful movie star and obviously a very driven guy.

00:31:09.000 So you see him being a part of something like that and you go, oh, well this is obviously doing this guy like a lot of good.

00:31:15.000 He's super confident and he's like really positive and radiant with his smile.

00:31:20.000 And you're like, well, if it works for this guy.

00:31:22.000 He's so fired up.

00:31:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:31:24.000 I mean, if it works for him, like maybe it's not so bad because you don't see like any Mormons that are like super ultra pumped to be a fucking Mormon. 0.99

00:31:31.000 No. 1.00

00:31:32.000 They keep that shit kind of on the DL. Nobody's excited to be Mormon. 1.00

00:31:36.000 It's sketchy.

00:31:37.000 Yeah.

00:31:38.000 Or Amish. 0.94

00:31:39.000 When Fuckhead was running for president, when Romney was running for president, and it came out that not, was he just Mormon, but he was from a sect that broke away from the United States because they wanted polygamy. 0.96

00:31:49.000 So they set up a compound in Mexico. 0.97

00:31:52.000 Everybody's like, dude, that's a wrap.

00:31:54.000 Yeah, done.

00:31:55.000 You take care.

00:31:56.000 Oh, 40, and then the 47% comment too.

00:31:59.000 Oh, right, right, right.

00:31:59.000 People that are not going to vote for him anyway.

00:32:01.000 Yeah, that's awesome.

00:32:02.000 Yeah, those two things were big.

00:32:05.000 Your dad was born in Mexico.

00:32:07.000 His dad was born in Mexico.

00:32:08.000 That's why his dad could never be president.

00:32:10.000 That's why he was running for president.

00:32:11.000 He was born in America.

00:32:12.000 His dad is a Mexican, like from Mexico because of Mormonism.

00:32:17.000 Because they all moved down to Mexico. 0.98

00:32:19.000 They denounced U.S. citizenship.

00:32:21.000 Wow. 0.99

00:32:22.000 So they could fucking set up a compound where they could just... 0.99

00:32:25.000 Ball! 1.00

00:32:26.000 They just wanted eight, nine wives. 0.97

00:32:27.000 They wanted to not be locked up for it.

00:32:29.000 So un-American. 0.50

00:32:30.000 Can I tell you, I love that show.

00:32:31.000 Have you ever seen?

00:32:32.000 I don't watch it frequently.

00:32:33.000 What is this?

00:32:34.000 The Mormon show.

00:32:35.000 All the wives. 0.97

00:32:36.000 Sister wives. 0.73

00:32:37.000 Oh, the HBO show.

00:32:38.000 I don't think it's on anymore.

00:32:39.000 No.

00:32:40.000 You're talking about a reality show?

00:32:41.000 It's on like TLC, yeah.

00:32:42.000 Oh, it's a reality show.

00:32:44.000 I don't know if you've seen The Wives, but my favorite part of the show is that you know this guy was like, this is going to be awesome. 0.96

00:32:50.000 I'm going to get five hot-ass chicks. 1.00

00:32:51.000 We're going to be doing orgies. 1.00

00:32:53.000 And they're all so fat and out of shape. 0.99

00:32:56.000 Of course. 0.96

00:32:57.000 No competition. 1.00

00:32:58.000 Yeah, they're the pigs. 0.99

00:32:59.000 And it's so great because it's totally the opposite of what he wanted because they pump out kids every year. 0.99

00:33:05.000 And of course.

00:33:06.000 How do you know that's what he wanted?

00:33:08.000 I imagine.

00:33:09.000 Because you know why?

00:33:09.000 Because he gets a younger, a hotter model.

00:33:11.000 Every five years they allow him to get a 20-some model.

00:33:15.000 And then she balloons over the course of five years. 0.52

00:33:17.000 So they start pretty good looking.

00:33:19.000 Those other girls are probably poisoning her while she sleeps. 1.00

00:33:21.000 For sure.

00:33:22.000 They want to keep her fat, for sure. 1.00

00:33:24.000 Yeah, right?

00:33:24.000 I think Vice did, at least on their YouTube channel, I think they did a profile on Romney's Mexican...

00:33:35.000 Past.

00:33:36.000 Yeah.

00:33:36.000 Oh, they definitely did.

00:33:37.000 Yeah.

00:33:38.000 Because Shane Smith came on the show and told us about it.

00:33:41.000 It was pretty awesome.

00:33:42.000 What they did was awesome.

00:33:43.000 Yeah.

00:33:43.000 Well, they're badass.

00:33:44.000 Yeah, they're badass.

00:33:45.000 Vice is gangster.

00:33:46.000 They go everywhere.

00:33:47.000 They're what the journalism world has been needing for a long time.

00:33:51.000 For a long time, yeah.

00:33:52.000 They're getting a lot of heat.

00:33:53.000 They get a lot of heat from the New York Times.

00:33:55.000 They got a lot of heat from legit journalists that somehow or other didn't think that their work was up to standard. 1.00

00:34:01.000 You guys are being silly bitches. 1.00

00:34:02.000 They had introduced a lot of people to a lot of really crazy shit that maybe they wouldn't have known about, and they cover everything. 1.00

00:34:08.000 They're informing them. 0.99

00:34:09.000 The garbage patch in the middle of the Pacific to what's going on in North Korea. 0.99

00:34:12.000 I mean, they went to North Korea and fucking hung out with everybody and ate dinner. 0.99

00:34:16.000 They were traveling around in North Korea filming these things. 0.98

00:34:18.000 I remember.

00:34:19.000 It was awesome.

00:34:19.000 North Korea was awesome.

00:34:20.000 They give zero fucks. 1.00

00:34:21.000 That Shane Smith is a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:34:23.000 He goes to Africa and hangs out with the cannibals. 1.00

00:34:25.000 He's hanging out with the Liberian cannibals. 0.94

00:34:27.000 The guy's talking to him about eating babies. 0.90

00:34:29.000 How he's killed the innocent children of the enemy and eats their heart and drink their blood because it makes them invincible. 0.92

00:34:35.000 General Buck Naked.

00:34:37.000 This guy used to fight naked.

00:34:38.000 They called him General Buck Naked. 0.80

00:34:40.000 He's killed thousands of people and he got away with it because he became a Christian. 1.00

00:34:44.000 So when he became a Christian they absolved him of his crimes. 0.99

00:34:47.000 Wow.

00:34:48.000 Lucky, yeah.

00:34:49.000 Yeah, fascinating.

00:34:50.000 You need how that works, huh?

00:34:51.000 Vice was right there, man.

00:34:52.000 Right there, covered that. 1.00

00:34:54.000 Fascinating shit. 1.00

00:34:55.000 And they were in North Korea. 1.00

00:34:57.000 They did an awesome profile of North Korea before Kim Jong-il died.

00:35:01.000 Yeah.

00:35:02.000 And seeing how they got in and the reality of being in the capital city in Pyongyang and...

00:35:10.000 The way the hotel...

00:35:12.000 Everybody was basically...

00:35:14.000 You felt like they were just being watched.

00:35:15.000 They were being spied on by everybody.

00:35:17.000 They brought them the food.

00:35:21.000 You know what I mean?

00:35:22.000 To lay out the red carpet for them, but it was basically all unedible, I think he said.

00:35:26.000 It wasn't good stuff.

00:35:28.000 They took everything away.

00:35:29.000 Nobody else was eating.

00:35:31.000 There was no one else in the restaurant.

00:35:33.000 They pretended it was a restaurant, but it wasn't a restaurant.

00:35:35.000 They just set it up.

00:35:36.000 They set up where they were going to cook for them and made it look like a restaurant.

00:35:40.000 Yeah.

00:35:40.000 There was no one else there.

00:35:41.000 We just did it.

00:35:42.000 We live a good life over here.

00:35:44.000 The movie studio.

00:35:45.000 And they're like, we've done like, Kim Jong-il's directed like 800 movies and stuff.

00:35:51.000 But he consulted on 13,000.

00:35:53.000 And he was like, wow, that's a lot of movies.

00:35:54.000 He's like, yeah, he's amazing.

00:35:56.000 Consulted on 13,000 movies.

00:35:58.000 There's one Lisa Ling did ages ago.

00:36:00.000 It's on Netflix.

00:36:01.000 I watched that a while back.

00:36:03.000 And some guy escaped who worked in the guard tower.

00:36:06.000 Did you ever see this?

00:36:07.000 He got out of North Korea.

00:36:09.000 And he's like, the minute I got under a fence, the guy that he was with got trapped under the fence and died immediately, was electrocuted to death.

00:36:16.000 And he goes, the minute I knew I got out of North Korea, I knew that I had signed my family's death warrant.

00:36:21.000 Because now they go after your family.

00:36:23.000 They put them in that, what's that, their area, what is it?

00:36:26.000 Slave 14 or whatever. 0.99

00:36:28.000 Yeah, and he's like, I just, I fucked over my entire family. 0.98

00:36:31.000 How do you deal with that kind of a guilt? 0.98

00:36:33.000 I don't know.

00:36:34.000 Wow.

00:36:34.000 Yeah.

00:36:35.000 Yeah, there's the big argument.

00:36:37.000 If the United States was really trying to clean up evil in the world, that's the spot we hit.

00:36:42.000 For sure. 1.00

00:36:43.000 The problem is they're poor as fuck. 1.00

00:36:44.000 They're poor as fuck. 1.00

00:36:45.000 They were really trying to liberate... 1.00

00:36:48.000 A lot of them are brainwashed, you're right.

00:36:49.000 It's bad.

00:36:50.000 I mean, they're scared. 0.95

00:36:52.000 Well, you would have to fucking free these people, first of all, and then you would have to slowly sort of re-indoctrinate them to the idea of freedom. 0.95

00:37:00.000 They're in one of the last great dictatorships, and it's 2013. With the internet and everything, and with your neighbor to the south, who used to be connected to you, used to be your former countryman... 0.96

00:37:12.000 Or banging out cell phones and TVs and fucking massive electronics and cars and constructing things. 0.99

00:37:20.000 And all you bitches have your lights out at night because you can't keep your electricity on. 1.00

00:37:24.000 Like, if you wanted to see what works and what doesn't work as far as happiness and a good population, you need to look no further than South Korea and North Korea. 0.96

00:37:32.000 There's the difference between living in a dictatorship and living in a democracy in the same country, the same patch of land.

00:37:39.000 Yeah.

00:37:40.000 I mean, you can't control people.

00:37:42.000 They don't like it.

00:37:44.000 It doesn't work. 0.98

00:37:45.000 And it's sort of what we were talking about earlier, about, like, the ideas of being generous and helping and loving or being a fucking weirdo who's trying to control everything. 0.64

00:37:55.000 It applies to people. 0.95

00:37:56.000 It applies to governments.

00:37:57.000 It applies to everything.

00:37:58.000 Absolutely, right?

00:38:00.000 You can't build walls to keep people in and out.

00:38:02.000 Look what happened in East and West Germany.

00:38:04.000 Same goes building walls to keep Mexicans out. 1.00

00:38:06.000 It doesn't work. 0.86

00:38:07.000 Well, it does work.

00:38:08.000 That's why there's a Mexico and that's why there's a United States.

00:38:10.000 The question is, is it a good idea?

00:38:12.000 It doesn't work totally.

00:38:14.000 It doesn't work 100% of the time, but it probably works 90% of the time.

00:38:17.000 If it was wide open, there'd probably be no one in Mexico. 0.99

00:38:21.000 That shit would empty out so quick. 1.00

00:38:23.000 Do you think? 1.00

00:38:24.000 Really?

00:38:24.000 Oh my goodness.

00:38:25.000 With the quickness, son.

00:38:28.000 The United States would double in population in a week.

00:38:32.000 Well, we've got a lot of room in the Midwest, don't we?

00:38:35.000 Well, there's people that would love...

00:38:36.000 I mean, there's parts of Mexico that people love.

00:38:38.000 A lot of people who live in Mexico City, they love it.

00:38:41.000 Buck Angel lives in Mexico.

00:38:43.000 Yep, Cancun.

00:38:44.000 He loves it.

00:38:45.000 She loves it.

00:38:46.000 He loves it.

00:38:47.000 He loves it.

00:38:48.000 I think that we would...

00:38:49.000 I was trying to be politically correct.

00:38:50.000 Of course.

00:38:51.000 I know, I know.

00:38:52.000 The economy, though.

00:38:53.000 People would come here to make money.

00:38:55.000 That's why people would come.

00:38:57.000 Yeah, the economy and also the...

00:39:00.000 I see both sides of it.

00:39:03.000 I see the logic in controlling our economy and not allowing people in because it allows you to maintain at least one area and try to keep it viable.

00:39:14.000 But the idea that somebody should be locked out just because they shit out of luck and were born in some terrible impoverished town in Mexico and that they can't ever get out of there and come up to where it's awesome. 1.00

00:39:27.000 Yeah. 0.90

00:39:27.000 That seems to me like the only reason why that would exist is because we, as humans, think that the idea of managing the whole world is just too daunting a task. 0.90

00:39:37.000 So we have to block it off in little chunks, apply philosophies in those chunks, and then enforce the borders.

00:39:43.000 Because we're not ready to combine.

00:39:45.000 We're not ready to combine yet.

00:39:46.000 Because if you're ready to combine, the number one thing you've got to do is you've got to fix the poor spots.

00:39:51.000 You have to fix the poor spots.

00:39:52.000 But don't you feel like one day we'll have a universal citizenship?

00:39:55.000 It won't be about this nation versus that.

00:39:59.000 Passports will be a thing of the past.

00:40:01.000 It's possible.

00:40:02.000 Yeah, man. 0.99

00:40:03.000 We would have to get over a lot of shit, though. 0.98

00:40:04.000 And we'd have to strengthen impoverished areas. 0.99

00:40:07.000 There's got to be a lot of money in rebuilding shitty neighborhoods, just like there's a lot of money in rebuilding things they blow up in Iraq. 0.99

00:40:13.000 Yeah, I was just going to say, look at Iraq.

00:40:14.000 I don't know if it's a success or not.

00:40:16.000 We just need to get Halliburton involved in community centers.

00:40:19.000 That's a great idea.

00:40:20.000 If Halliburton got involved in community centers, just rebuild Detroit.

00:40:25.000 Oh, my God.

00:40:25.000 You just solved all our problems.

00:40:26.000 The contracts would be billions.

00:40:27.000 Yeah.

00:40:27.000 The jobs would be intense.

00:40:29.000 Absolutely.

00:40:29.000 It would be amazing.

00:40:30.000 Right now, yeah.

00:40:30.000 That would be amazing.

00:40:31.000 Flint and Detroit.

00:40:32.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:40:33.000 I mean, I don't understand why it's okay to build shit on other parts of the world that we blow up, but not build shit that just fell apart on its own over here. 0.98

00:40:41.000 I agree. 0.99

00:40:42.000 We were in Detroit for that sci-fi show.

00:40:46.000 Oh, I saw that one.

00:40:47.000 We went to Zug Island and we went around that area.

00:40:49.000 Wow.

00:40:50.000 It's depressing.

00:40:51.000 Yeah.

00:40:52.000 You can buy a house for $100.

00:40:54.000 That's so crazy.

00:40:55.000 I'm not kidding.

00:40:56.000 I know.

00:40:57.000 Yeah, I saw that because, you know, the government just gave or loaned, I don't know, which one of the two, Detroit, a lot of money.

00:41:03.000 Yeah, well, it needs it.

00:41:05.000 Yeah, and they're saying that like, I mean, this is like a little thing, but like 40% of light posts, you know, don't work in Detroit, in the greater metropolitan area.

00:41:15.000 It makes sense.

00:41:16.000 The average response time to a 911 call is 58 minutes.

00:41:21.000 Oh my god.

00:41:22.000 So that means, you know, fire, ambulance.

00:41:25.000 Oh my god. 0.98

00:41:26.000 It's a long fucking time. 1.00

00:41:27.000 That sucks. 1.00

00:41:28.000 For an average. 0.99

00:41:29.000 For an average, right.

00:41:30.000 And what's really incredible is that town was created basically on...

00:41:36.000 The business that was one of the best businesses for the United States ever, the automotive business, at one point in time, they were rocking.

00:41:45.000 My friend Justin was on the podcast, and he worked in the Ford factory for years.

00:41:50.000 My dad worked in the Chrysler factory.

00:41:52.000 Yeah, and people could make a good living.

00:41:55.000 They could support a family, and they churned out these cars.

00:41:59.000 Yeah, but then when...

00:42:00.000 Remember when they all had the bailout for the auto companies?

00:42:04.000 The big thing was...

00:42:07.000 That I think those guys overextended themselves with the offers of their benefits.

00:42:14.000 Because the whole thing was like, I think it was 20 or 30 years.

00:42:18.000 I think maybe it was 30 years.

00:42:20.000 And then you got full, incredible benefits.

00:42:25.000 And so you had essentially a lot of people that could retire at 50. Right.

00:42:32.000 Right.

00:42:33.000 And that's one of the main things of why, you know...

00:42:35.000 So that's why they were losing money because they had to pay these guys?

00:42:38.000 Well, eventually, I mean, you know, the automotive industry became more competitive, so they're not as dominant.

00:42:43.000 But then, yeah, one of the things that they said was a problem was that you have people who are essentially entitled to full benefits at 50 years old.

00:42:52.000 Yeah, Justin was also saying that there was also jobs where it required you to use two people.

00:42:56.000 There was a union contract, but they didn't really need to use two people.

00:42:59.000 So you would have, like, two-hour shifts.

00:43:01.000 Like, you would come in for two hours and do it, and then you could go leave and do whatever the fuck you want, and then another guy would come in for two hours, and you did two shifts a day.

00:43:09.000 And you each did two shifts a day. 0.97

00:43:10.000 And you got paid for a full job.

00:43:13.000 And it's just because of the greed of these auto workers, the unions, rather.

00:43:18.000 Yeah, the unions, yeah. 1.00

00:43:19.000 And then, you know, another problem was they made a bunch of shitty fucking cars. 1.00

00:43:23.000 And that's not the autoworker's problem. 1.00

00:43:25.000 That's the design problem and the engineer's problems. 0.99

00:43:28.000 But goddamn, the United States made some terrible cars in the 80s. 0.99

00:43:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:32.000 I mean, they fucked up everything. 0.89

00:43:34.000 They fucked up the Mustang. 0.96

00:43:35.000 They fucked up the Corvette. 0.98

00:43:36.000 They fucked up the Camaro. 0.95

00:43:37.000 They fucked up all the greatest cars that the United States has ever built. 0.99

00:43:41.000 They fucked them all up completely. 0.96

00:43:43.000 You mean like the designs? 1.00

00:43:44.000 They were dog shit. 1.00

00:43:46.000 Like the late 80s and the early 90s, they were dog shit. 1.00

00:43:49.000 They were the stupidest looking, ugliest fucking cars. 1.00

00:43:52.000 It's like they were trying to tank it on purpose. 1.00

00:43:55.000 You go back in time and you look at a 1969 Mustang Fastback.

00:44:01.000 Look at like a GT500 from 1969. Those cars were a masterpiece.

00:44:07.000 The lines on them, the appeal of them, just look at them just like artistically.

00:44:13.000 They had this appeal to them. 0.97

00:44:15.000 And then they tried to make cars more gas friendly because the gas prices went up, because they had the fake gas shortage where they fucked everybody. 0.98

00:44:24.000 Right. 0.95

00:44:24.000 Oh, we ran out of gas! 0.95

00:44:25.000 Psych!

00:44:26.000 Right. 1.00

00:44:28.000 Then they just, from that point on, they all just went to shit. 1.00

00:44:30.000 They couldn't have those big V8s anymore because they only got eight miles a gallon. 1.00

00:44:34.000 So instead, they started making these stupid six-cylinder Mustangs. 1.00

00:44:38.000 It just looked like dog shit. 1.00

00:44:40.000 And the big thing now is that what gave a big boost, at least to Dodge, was that they went to a throwback. 0.99

00:44:47.000 It was like, these look like the old designs.

00:44:50.000 Like the Dodge Challenger.

00:44:51.000 The Challenger's so rad.

00:44:53.000 The Challenger really looks like an old one, but the Camaro looks like a new car.

00:45:00.000 I mean, it's like...

00:45:01.000 They didn't, it's got kind of a retro hot rod kind of a look to it.

00:45:05.000 Yeah, it does, but it's still new.

00:45:07.000 Yeah.

00:45:07.000 Yeah, it looks badass.

00:45:08.000 They had a new, they have a new Trans Am.

00:45:12.000 Oh, really?

00:45:13.000 Yeah, a Camaro Trans Am.

00:45:15.000 Can you still get the Falcon or the Phoenix on there?

00:45:17.000 Not Trans Am, I mean Z28. That's so rad. 0.99

00:45:20.000 The Trans Am was the Firebird, Z28. And the Z28, the new Camaro, is faster around a racetrack than a Porsche.

00:45:27.000 Yeah.

00:45:28.000 Really?

00:45:28.000 Weren't you in the car playing the video?

00:45:30.000 Yes.

00:45:31.000 The sound of it?

00:45:32.000 Oh my god.

00:45:33.000 Is that the one that you can make the sound of?

00:45:35.000 Not as good.

00:45:36.000 I do a terrible idea.

00:45:37.000 I love your sounds.

00:45:38.000 I saw them on Vine.

00:45:39.000 Really good.

00:45:41.000 Check out Brian Callen.

00:45:43.000 For whatever reason, likes to hear me do animal noises.

00:45:45.000 I love your animal noises.

00:45:47.000 I was so impressed.

00:45:48.000 Your dog is impeccable.

00:45:50.000 The bear.

00:45:50.000 The bear is layered.

00:45:52.000 The noise is perfect.

00:45:54.000 And so is the lip quivering.

00:45:55.000 I don't know what's wrong with me.

00:45:57.000 It's really good.

00:45:58.000 I really don't know what's wrong with me.

00:46:01.000 I can only do a few impressions.

00:46:02.000 I would never say I was an impressionist because I can't do a lot of impressions.

00:46:05.000 My voice range is not that good.

00:46:07.000 But if it falls in my range, I can do it.

00:46:09.000 Alex Jones, you do it really well.

00:46:10.000 Yeah, I can do that guy.

00:46:11.000 And you can do Diaz as well.

00:46:12.000 I can do Diaz.

00:46:13.000 See, those guys are in my range.

00:46:14.000 They're shouty, loudy guys.

00:46:17.000 Yeah, very good.

00:46:19.000 I can do some people.

00:46:21.000 But you couldn't say, hey, do Justin Bieber.

00:46:25.000 Yeah.

00:46:26.000 No. 1.00

00:46:26.000 Did you see that fucking video? 1.00

00:46:28.000 This is the Z28. That's the car. 1.00

00:46:30.000 Is that Jay Leno?

00:46:31.000 Yeah, Jay Leno's a car fiend.

00:46:33.000 That's his garage in Burbank.

00:46:34.000 They took this...

00:46:35.000 That's not the Z28. They took this Z28 and they took out everything.

00:46:40.000 All the navigation, radio.

00:46:42.000 Only has one speaker to let you know that the door goes ding, ding, ding. 0.97

00:46:45.000 They took out all that shit to make it super light and put in a 500 horsepower naturally aspirated engine. 0.98

00:46:51.000 He's got denim on, denim on, Jalen. 0.99

00:46:53.000 He always has denim on.

00:46:54.000 That's how he rocks it.

00:46:55.000 He's not growing up.

00:46:56.000 He's a Toys R Us kid.

00:46:58.000 Listen to this thing.

00:47:02.000 You hear that? 0.98

00:47:05.000 That makes the guy's balls tingle. 0.79

00:47:16.000 It's Malbec Canyon Road right there. 0.98

00:47:19.000 That is a wicked car though.

00:47:21.000 As far as American cars go, that car is wicked.

00:47:26.000 How much does that cost?

00:47:28.000 It's not that much.

00:47:29.000 As far as the kind of performance, I think it's probably going to be around $60,000.

00:47:33.000 Let's find out.

00:47:34.000 New Z28. I like it black. 0.87

00:47:36.000 The bargains are the Z28 and the Corvette. 0.99

00:47:39.000 They have a new Corvette now that's fucking incredible. 0.98

00:47:42.000 Yes. 1.00

00:47:43.000 The fucking new Corvette is crazy. 1.00

00:47:45.000 Oh, it's amazing. 1.00

00:47:47.000 And the price is pretty amazing for what you get.

00:47:49.000 How much is the new Corvette?

00:47:50.000 It's like $60,000.

00:47:51.000 $68,000, I think.

00:47:53.000 The Stingray Z51? The Z28 is...

00:47:59.000 Oh, the Stingray is the new...

00:48:00.000 Yeah, the Stingray is the new Corvette.

00:48:04.000 The Stingray is incredible.

00:48:06.000 Have you seen that?

00:48:07.000 Yeah.

00:48:08.000 Go to the...

00:48:09.000 See if you pull up Matt Farah, that dude who was on the podcast, the Smoking Gun.

00:48:12.000 Here's the...

00:48:14.000 There's that.

00:48:20.000 I like the bra on the car.

00:48:22.000 They look so cool.

00:48:24.000 Wow, look at that.

00:48:24.000 Look at that.

00:48:26.000 Do you have to put a bra on it though? 1.00

00:48:28.000 No, those are done.

00:48:29.000 They don't do those anymore.

00:48:30.000 Why did they do a bra? 1.00

00:48:31.000 People have clear bras now. 1.00

00:48:32.000 There's a clear sheet that keeps the chips.

00:48:35.000 It was to avoid paint chips from rocks.

00:48:38.000 That's why people wrap their cars nowadays.

00:48:40.000 Look at this thing.

00:48:44.000 Sounds like you behind the wheel.

00:48:46.000 Yeah, buddy.

00:48:47.000 Look at the seats, man.

00:48:58.000 This is a sick car. 0.99

00:49:03.000 I just love that America's finally figured out how to make cars that don't suck a fat one. 1.00

00:49:09.000 For the longest time, they were dog shit. 1.00

00:49:11.000 I got a Ford Mustang just because I knew that Mustang didn't take money from the government. 1.00

00:49:18.000 They didn't take a bailout.

00:49:19.000 So I was thinking about getting it.

00:49:20.000 I wanted to get some sort of American hot rod, so I got a GT500. I remember that.

00:49:25.000 That's why I got it.

00:49:26.000 I got it because of the fact...

00:49:27.000 And because it's pretty badass.

00:49:31.000 They've figured out how to make fun cars again.

00:49:33.000 Was that a Shelby?

00:49:35.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:49:35.000 Yeah, those things are fucking awesome. 0.97

00:49:38.000 That rumbled, too, when you start that up. 0.97

00:49:40.000 It's very manly.

00:49:41.000 This is even more manly, though, I think, for Z28. I might have to purchase one of these motherfuckers. 1.00

00:49:47.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

00:49:49.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.97

00:49:50.000 I want to support, honestly, like, no bullshit.

00:49:53.000 I really do want to support American car companies that are making cars like this.

00:49:56.000 That's great.

00:49:57.000 Are they making them in America, though?

00:49:59.000 God, I hope so.

00:50:00.000 I hope they don't give them to no other peoples.

00:50:03.000 We have a lot of foreign... 1.00

00:50:05.000 Volkswagen just went to now in Mexico.

00:50:07.000 That doesn't seem like German to me.

00:50:09.000 Don't we have foreign, though, plants here for...

00:50:13.000 Doesn't Porsche make some Porsches in Alabama?

00:50:16.000 That's a good question.

00:50:17.000 I don't know.

00:50:18.000 BMW in South Carolina.

00:50:19.000 I know Honda does.

00:50:20.000 I bet I would imagine that other companies do as well.

00:50:23.000 Yeah, I think Porsches are in Alabama.

00:50:24.000 I wonder if that's because it's easier to build the cars over here instead of shipping them.

00:50:29.000 You know, like whatever it would cost you to ship them, you could probably make them over here with the same engineering.

00:50:34.000 Too expensive to ship.

00:50:36.000 Yeah, a lot of it is, right?

00:50:38.000 It's all automated.

00:50:39.000 That also killed a lot of jobs.

00:50:41.000 Because a lot of it is automated.

00:50:43.000 But the precision that you can get in automation is pretty goddamn amazing.

00:50:48.000 We could print out a car pretty soon. 0.85

00:50:50.000 I bet you're right. 0.97

00:50:52.000 Dude, there's no bullshit, man. 0.96

00:50:53.000 It's gonna come. 0.99

00:50:54.000 I think there's gonna come a time where going to the store and buying things, people are just gonna laugh at you. 0.99

00:50:59.000 Oh my god, you guys used to buy shit? 1.00

00:51:01.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

00:51:03.000 They're going to be able to just put, like, you're going to have a printer at home, and you're going to keep ingredients in it. 1.00

00:51:08.000 Carbon, silica, this, that, the other, different, various metals. 1.00

00:51:12.000 And then you're going to say, you know, build me a fucking TV, bitch. 1.00

00:51:15.000 And you enter in your credits for the design for the TV, and you get on your iTunes account, it charges you for the design for the TV. That's what you pay, like a design license fee. 0.99

00:51:26.000 And then you have to pay for the materials.

00:51:29.000 And then I think everything will be like way cheaper.

00:51:32.000 Except the machine. 1.00

00:51:33.000 The machine's going to be a motherfucker. 1.00

00:51:34.000 Yes. 0.99

00:51:35.000 But it'll be just like cell phones.

00:51:36.000 When cell phones first came out, no one had them.

00:51:38.000 I know.

00:51:39.000 They were super rare.

00:51:40.000 Now, you go to any place in the world, people have cell phones.

00:51:44.000 I was in Brazil, and it was in 2003, everyone had a cell phone.

00:51:49.000 Really?

00:51:50.000 People have cell phones.

00:51:51.000 They're everywhere.

00:51:52.000 And it used to be prohibitively expensive for poor people.

00:51:54.000 Do they have the backpack thing where you have to put the phone?

00:51:57.000 I remember that.

00:51:58.000 What's up, player?

00:51:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:51:59.000 Little Android phones and iPhones and shit. 0.99

00:52:01.000 Remember car phones? 0.91

00:52:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:03.000 I actually like that.

00:52:04.000 I had one.

00:52:05.000 I had one installed in my car in 89?

00:52:08.000 Those were dope.

00:52:09.000 I would like to have one of those again.

00:52:10.000 Just the clipping.

00:52:11.000 Yeah, it was nice.

00:52:12.000 Yeah.

00:52:13.000 It's nice right in the center console.

00:52:15.000 Yeah, it was...

00:52:15.000 It was a cool thing to have.

00:52:17.000 Like you would be on the phone, hello, I'm driving right now.

00:52:20.000 Yeah.

00:52:21.000 Like it was impossible.

00:52:22.000 No people's minds.

00:52:23.000 Nobody believed it.

00:52:24.000 What?

00:52:25.000 But you would have roaming charges everywhere.

00:52:27.000 Oh, is that right?

00:52:28.000 I didn't even know that happened.

00:52:30.000 Oh my God.

00:52:30.000 You were only allowed to use it.

00:52:31.000 When I had it, you were only allowed to use it in Boston itself.

00:52:35.000 And when I would go outside of Boston, I would enter into a roaming area.

00:52:39.000 And the roaming areas would be ridiculous.

00:52:41.000 Mm-hmm.

00:52:42.000 It would be like, you know, $1 a minute, $1.95 a minute or something like that.

00:52:46.000 And it was just a few hours from your house.

00:52:48.000 It's not like today, you know, it got real competitive.

00:52:52.000 And today, you could go anywhere and your phone works everywhere.

00:52:55.000 If you go internationally, you've got to pay rates that are different because they have to use their service. 0.97

00:52:58.000 But in the United States, it's essentially wherever the fuck you go, you're all right. 0.99

00:53:02.000 So crazy. 1.00

00:53:02.000 But I was in western Massachusetts. 1.00

00:53:04.000 It's two hours from my house and it was roaming.

00:53:08.000 You had a really little area.

00:53:11.000 Even in Massachusetts, you had roaming.

00:53:13.000 And it's a mobile phone.

00:53:14.000 What was that bill like? 1.00

00:53:15.000 It was stupid. 1.00

00:53:16.000 It was unbelievable. 1.00

00:53:17.000 And I had no money back then.

00:53:18.000 I was like, oh god.

00:53:19.000 Do you realize I didn't have a cell phone until I graduated from college and entered the workforce?

00:53:24.000 Just thinking about being 16 years old, waving goodbye to my dad, getting into my 87 Chevy Nova, and just taking off for the night?

00:53:33.000 And my dad not knowing where I was, when I was, I didn't have a page or nothing, and I would just, you know, come back at 2 in the morning.

00:53:39.000 You were shooting porn. 0.83

00:53:40.000 I was shooting porn. 1.00

00:53:41.000 I was doing H. I was stripping. 0.99

00:53:45.000 Can you believe that?

00:53:46.000 No, I know.

00:53:47.000 That's the thing.

00:53:48.000 Look at this.

00:53:49.000 This guy's got one.

00:53:51.000 What's up, man?

00:53:52.000 What?

00:53:53.000 Look at that. 1.00

00:53:55.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:53:59.000 I bet the battery's better than your iPhone. 1.00

00:54:01.000 Is that a fucking phone? 1.00

00:54:05.000 It's Bill Gates. 1.00

00:54:06.000 Buy a hundred shares.

00:54:09.000 The dad takes the phone.

00:54:10.000 Son, don't you do it!

00:54:12.000 That's a cock-bock video.

00:54:13.000 That's what that is. 0.90

00:54:14.000 Sophisticated cock-bocker. 0.99

00:54:16.000 Dad's a hater. 0.98

00:54:17.000 Kid's smarter than him. 1.00

00:54:18.000 He's got his big stupid phone. 1.00

00:54:19.000 The kid's on a little laptop. 1.00

00:54:21.000 Meanwhile, it's like 1918. When did they invent laptops?

00:54:26.000 Oh my god.

00:54:27.000 That kid had a laptop. 0.99

00:54:27.000 What the fuck was that thing in his lap? 0.99

00:54:29.000 I think it was one of those word processors. 0.99

00:54:31.000 Remember those?

00:54:32.000 Oh, I had those.

00:54:33.000 Hewlett Packard.

00:54:34.000 Yeah, I was trying to let you know.

00:54:35.000 Geniuses are ahead of the curve.

00:54:37.000 I've had a cell phone forever.

00:54:39.000 Like I said, I got my first one in 89. 89. That's good.

00:54:42.000 And then I couldn't afford it after a while.

00:54:45.000 So I think I probably got my next one in 93. 92 or 93. Got some big, stupid Motorola brick.

00:54:54.000 The brick. 1.00

00:54:55.000 It's called a StarTech.

00:54:56.000 Yeah.

00:54:57.000 Click.

00:54:57.000 And I had an extended battery.

00:54:59.000 The Nino Brown.

00:54:59.000 Needed that extended battery.

00:55:01.000 Mm-hmm.

00:55:01.000 No, it wasn't that big.

00:55:02.000 No?

00:55:02.000 I didn't have that one.

00:55:03.000 I know what you're talking about.

00:55:04.000 I had a girlfriend that had one of those.

00:55:05.000 The real bricks.

00:55:06.000 Yeah, the brick.

00:55:06.000 My brick was a flip brick.

00:55:08.000 Oh, wow.

00:55:09.000 Yeah, my first one flipped.

00:55:10.000 I never got the full brick. 0.99

00:55:12.000 I still see, I think the Motorola Razr, which came obviously much later, is the perfect fucking cell phone. 0.99

00:55:18.000 It really is. 0.97

00:55:19.000 Yeah, it's awesome.

00:55:21.000 It's not good enough. 0.92

00:55:22.000 It just can't fuck with today. 0.98

00:55:24.000 It doesn't have a browser. 0.95

00:55:26.000 We don't want just a phone anymore.

00:55:28.000 We want a phone that does everything.

00:55:30.000 I can do my banking on this phone.

00:55:31.000 How crazy is that?

00:55:32.000 Not just banking.

00:55:35.000 I do anything I want.

00:55:36.000 I set my DVR when I'm in another country. 0.99

00:55:39.000 I can go, oh fuck, I forgot to tape the fights. 0.99

00:55:42.000 It does it. 0.99

00:55:43.000 It just records it for me.

00:55:44.000 That's incredible.

00:55:44.000 That's madness.

00:55:45.000 Uber.

00:55:46.000 Uber.

00:55:46.000 Yeah, Uber's incredible.

00:55:47.000 Amazing. 0.98

00:55:48.000 How about just sending videos and pictures to people and shit? 1.00

00:55:51.000 And how fucking little it is. 0.99

00:55:52.000 Have you used Uber? 0.99

00:55:53.000 I know. 1.00

00:55:53.000 Look at all that bitch is. 1.00

00:55:54.000 Yeah, I use it all the time. 1.00

00:55:56.000 Really?

00:55:56.000 It's one of my favorite things ever.

00:55:57.000 It's great.

00:55:58.000 Uber.

00:55:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:59.000 Our neighbor was just telling us about that.

00:56:00.000 Yeah, we're not on that yet.

00:56:01.000 Duncan called me.

00:56:03.000 Dude, have you done this Uber?

00:56:04.000 I'm in a car right now.

00:56:05.000 I'm never driving myself again.

00:56:07.000 That's cool.

00:56:09.000 I saw Duncan the other day, and he Ubered, and he doesn't even do the UberX.

00:56:12.000 He gets the SUV one that comes up, and he just walked in there like a pimp. 0.78

00:56:16.000 It's just crazy.

00:56:18.000 In three minutes, you can have pretty much a black limo pick you up for cheap.

00:56:23.000 Yeah, I mean, the tip is built in.

00:56:26.000 I tip them extra, but the tip is built into the thing.

00:56:30.000 It's nice.

00:56:30.000 It's so easy.

00:56:31.000 You just get in, get out.

00:56:32.000 Say thanks, bye.

00:56:33.000 That's great.

00:56:33.000 And you get a limo ride.

00:56:34.000 And then don't you review them or something?

00:56:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:56:36.000 That's their incentive to be good to you?

00:56:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:56:38.000 That's awesome.

00:56:39.000 That's a nice car?

00:56:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:40.000 Yeah, we used it in Manhattan a couple times.

00:56:44.000 Got SUVs, they were nice drivers, everybody was cool.

00:56:47.000 Respectable folks.

00:56:48.000 The last Uber I went to, the guy said that he gets a lot of people that are just ballers, like, hey, I want to go to Vegas. 0.86

00:56:54.000 And so they'll Uber from LA to Vegas, but then he has to drive fucking back, you know, by himself. 0.69

00:56:59.000 Wow, that's a long haul. 0.82

00:57:00.000 Somebody the other day went to Salt Lake City, because they didn't have a car and they wanted to go home.

00:57:05.000 So he said it was like $2,500 Uber.

00:57:08.000 What?

00:57:10.000 Wow.

00:57:11.000 How much is his plane ticket though?

00:57:12.000 If you go in first class, that might be better.

00:57:14.000 Definitely better.

00:57:16.000 I've done Vegas before.

00:57:17.000 I've done Vegas in a limo before.

00:57:19.000 But it's a long drive.

00:57:21.000 It is.

00:57:21.000 It's a long drive.

00:57:23.000 I've driven it too.

00:57:24.000 It's a long drive to do in one day and then go do something. 0.99

00:57:28.000 Yes, it sucks. 0.96

00:57:29.000 You feel spent. 0.76

00:57:31.000 It's also if you get stuck in traffic there, it's heinous.

00:57:35.000 That's a road that was designed back when people were driving Model Ts. 1.00

00:57:40.000 You know, stupid two-lane shitbag road. 1.00

00:57:44.000 And it's just going through these desolate areas and broken down. 1.00

00:57:49.000 And you see just nothing but brake lights for hours.

00:57:52.000 Devastating.

00:57:53.000 And the worst, the weirdest thing is, like, there's that, the first sign of, like, the casinos that come up.

00:57:59.000 Do you know what I'm talking about?

00:57:59.000 They're, like, the crummier ones.

00:58:01.000 You're like, who's staying here, dude?

00:58:02.000 20 minutes this way. 1.00

00:58:04.000 There's cooler shit. 0.99

00:58:04.000 With a broken roller coaster up front. 0.99

00:58:06.000 Yeah.

00:58:06.000 Why are you staying here?

00:58:07.000 There's probably a great documentary in that if we wanted to make it.

00:58:11.000 Right?

00:58:12.000 Mini Vegas?

00:58:12.000 If we all wanted to just go to that place.

00:58:14.000 Yeah.

00:58:15.000 That one spot.

00:58:16.000 Let's go there.

00:58:16.000 It's like super far south.

00:58:18.000 Yeah.

00:58:18.000 Do a show there.

00:58:19.000 Yeah.

00:58:20.000 And bring, you know. 0.99

00:58:21.000 It's like roller coasters and shit though. 0.99

00:58:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:23.000 So bizarre. 1.00

00:58:24.000 Bad fucking roller coasters. 1.00

00:58:25.000 Can you imagine though? 1.00

00:58:25.000 That would actually be, look, you, me, and Diaz doing a show in a casino there in the middle of nowhere. 1.00

00:58:34.000 That might actually be fun.

00:58:36.000 So random.

00:58:36.000 We could bring people in there.

00:58:38.000 Yeah.

00:58:39.000 Nobody there would expect what's going on.

00:58:41.000 Yeah, it would be a fun hangout.

00:58:44.000 That would be a fun hangout.

00:58:45.000 Just call it, you know, disaster in the desert or something like that.

00:58:50.000 Every one of those places has the thing like, these slots pay.

00:58:53.000 That's what it says.

00:58:54.000 Loose.

00:58:54.000 We got the loose slots.

00:58:55.000 Loose slots.

00:58:56.000 We got real loose slots here. 0.72

00:58:59.000 Stanhope has been doing a tour of really shitty spots.

00:59:02.000 That's such a good idea.

00:59:03.000 Bill Burr wanted to do that, too.

00:59:04.000 He wanted to do one with me and him, go to the worst places ever.

00:59:08.000 I'm like, boy, I don't know.

00:59:10.000 It sounds novel, but wouldn't it be better to go to Houston?

00:59:15.000 Direct flights?

00:59:17.000 Wouldn't it be better to go to Chicago?

00:59:19.000 Hey, you guys got to get out of there.

00:59:21.000 I'm not coming to you.

00:59:22.000 It's only helping you if I come to you.

00:59:24.000 Right.

00:59:25.000 I'm only encouraging this bad behavior.

00:59:27.000 I'm only encouraging you to stay there.

00:59:29.000 Yeah, man.

00:59:29.000 Go.

00:59:30.000 Move to a cooler place.

00:59:32.000 There's some places I get psyched to be back, like Chicago.

00:59:35.000 I was talking to somebody about Chicago.

00:59:38.000 Oh, Burr. 0.81

00:59:38.000 We were talking about Chicago might be the most underrated place in the country. 0.81

00:59:43.000 You know, as far as doing stand-up there.

00:59:46.000 Chicago's great.

00:59:46.000 It's one of the greatest places of all time to do stand-up.

00:59:48.000 I've only done Schaumburg.

00:59:50.000 It's really the Schaumburg improv.

00:59:51.000 It's more of a suburban thing.

00:59:53.000 I do the theater, the Chicago theater, and it's in the city, and it's different.

00:59:58.000 They're on the ball. 0.99

00:59:59.000 They're some smart fucking people. 0.99

01:00:01.000 Yeah, actually, I enjoy the Midwest for stand-up. 0.99

01:00:03.000 I love Ohio.

01:00:04.000 Yeah, I love Ohio.

01:00:05.000 It's fantastic.

01:00:06.000 For some reason, the Midwest really gets it, and they're down.

01:00:08.000 Yeah, I did one of my best specials there, Talking Monkeys in Space.

01:00:11.000 I did that in a while.

01:00:12.000 I did that in Columbus at the Southern Theater where Mae West worked. 0.98

01:00:17.000 Oh, get out! 1.00

01:00:18.000 Yeah, and W.C. Fields in Mae West.

01:00:20.000 Oh, H. That's awesome.

01:00:22.000 Yeah.

01:00:22.000 That's one of the stars in the background.

01:00:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:25.000 Yeah, that looked really, really good.

01:00:26.000 Yeah, those people are like...

01:00:28.000 I always feel like people in Columbus and people in Chicago and people in Milwaukee, they're like smart people, but also they have that Midwest down-to-earth thing going on.

01:00:39.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:00:40.000 They might be in a city, but there's like a lot of people that are like real good people that are like, you know, there's like, you know, when they call that area the heartland, like the salt, there's a lot of morons that live out there, don't make no mistake about it, all right? 0.97

01:00:53.000 There's a lot of like, a lot of the really farmy places in this country are filled with retards, right? 1.00

01:01:00.000 We know that. 0.99

01:01:01.000 But they're also filled with a lot of cool fucking people. 1.00

01:01:04.000 For sure. 0.99

01:01:04.000 You know? 0.99

01:01:04.000 And just like everywhere you go, You're not going to get 100% gems. 0.99

01:01:09.000 Right.

01:01:09.000 You're just not.

01:01:11.000 Just like in L.A. There's turds in L.A. too. 0.98

01:01:13.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:01:14.000 And the ones that are turds, they throw off your perceptions. 1.00

01:01:18.000 That's right.

01:01:18.000 Like I've had people say, you know, oh man, I went to L.A., man, I went to this party.

01:01:22.000 Everybody was so fucking full of themselves. 1.00

01:01:23.000 We're all full of shit and that place sucks. 1.00

01:01:26.000 Okay, I believe you 100%. 1.00

01:01:28.000 But there's 20 million people here.

01:01:31.000 Yeah, you can't find one person.

01:01:32.000 One party, one night, one terrible clunk of humans.

01:01:37.000 Yeah.

01:01:37.000 And, you know, you just got mixed up in the wrong tribe, son.

01:01:40.000 The other one.

01:01:41.000 You could have been hanging out with us at the improv.

01:01:42.000 That's what it is, tribes.

01:01:44.000 It's all about finding your tribe in wherever you are.

01:01:46.000 Yeah, in wherever you are.

01:01:48.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:01:48.000 People also talk shit about L.A. a lot of times. 0.98

01:01:50.000 They'll be like, you're from L.A.? That place sucks. 1.00

01:01:53.000 Yeah, I hate that. 1.00

01:01:54.000 What'd you do?

01:01:55.000 I went out there for like, you know, whatever, three or four days.

01:01:58.000 Like, where'd you stay?

01:01:59.000 They're like, Hollywood and Highland.

01:02:00.000 I'm like, did you go anywhere?

01:02:01.000 They're like, no, just right there. 1.00

01:02:02.000 I'm like, so you hate fucking Hollywood Boulevard, man. 1.00

01:02:05.000 Like, what are you talking about? 1.00

01:02:06.000 We do too.

01:02:06.000 I grew up here.

01:02:07.000 I fucking hate that part. 0.99

01:02:08.000 It's not indicative of the entire city. 0.99

01:02:10.000 Yeah, I've been here since 94 and I don't go there.

01:02:12.000 No, it's for tourists.

01:02:13.000 Come on, it's horrible.

01:02:14.000 It's a bad place.

01:02:15.000 It's like saying I was, one of my friends told me he hated New York and he, uh... 1.00

01:02:21.000 He was like, it's the worst fucking city of everybody. 0.99

01:02:23.000 I'm like, really? 0.99

01:02:24.000 Where'd you stay?

01:02:24.000 Where'd you go?

01:02:25.000 He's like, I was in Spanish Harlem.

01:02:26.000 And I was like, but like, where'd you go?

01:02:28.000 He's like, no, I just stayed there.

01:02:29.000 Like, I stayed in Spanish Harlem.

01:02:30.000 I was like, that's all you saw?

01:02:31.000 And he was like, yeah.

01:02:32.000 I go, well, I mean, that's not, you can't take in the city just in Spanish Harlem.

01:02:37.000 You can't take in that city in a year.

01:02:39.000 No.

01:02:40.000 You know?

01:02:40.000 No.

01:02:40.000 What you're going to do is get a sense of like, whoa, there's a lot of motherfuckers here.

01:02:44.000 Oh, yeah, dude. 0.99

01:02:45.000 Spend two weeks in New York just going from one place to another, just trying to check off a list of the interesting places from the museums to the restaurants to going on Broadway.

01:02:55.000 Like, New York is so strange that Broadway works there, okay?

01:03:01.000 Right. 0.98

01:03:02.000 There's a fucking really good reason... 1.00

01:03:04.000 Why those stupid musicals and plays aren't everywhere. 1.00

01:03:07.000 I hate them so much. 1.00

01:03:08.000 I hate musicals. 1.00

01:03:10.000 They're so dumb. 1.00

01:03:10.000 Yeah, they're so stupid. 1.00

01:03:11.000 They're a murderous assault in your attention span. 1.00

01:03:14.000 But New York is so big and so awesome that it can actually support a whole community of people.

01:03:20.000 That pretend to like that stuff.

01:03:22.000 And make them millionaires. 0.92

01:03:24.000 Maybe they do like it. 1.00

01:03:25.000 Maybe I'm just an asshole. 1.00

01:03:26.000 Most likely I'm just an asshole. 1.00

01:03:28.000 The worst is that Andrew Lloyd Webber shit. 1.00

01:03:31.000 It's so soul crushing. 1.00

01:03:32.000 It's so fucking spirit crushing. 0.99

01:03:35.000 It'll literally be like, I'm lifting the bottle. 0.99

01:03:37.000 She's lifting the bottle.

01:03:39.000 We're walking down the street.

01:03:40.000 There's no merit to any of it. 0.99

01:03:43.000 It's fucking painful. 0.98

01:03:45.000 Brian Callen had a teacher who was a theater teacher. 0.98

01:03:51.000 And Brian always gets sucked into, because he's such a nice guy, he always gets sucked into going to these things.

01:03:56.000 They drag him to these things.

01:03:58.000 There was like, I'm doing a performance.

01:04:00.000 I would love it if you came.

01:04:02.000 Oh no!

01:04:02.000 And he's like, I gotta go, I gotta go.

01:04:04.000 So the guy was going to sing show tunes.

01:04:07.000 And so Brian calls me up.

01:04:08.000 He goes, listen to me.

01:04:09.000 Listen to me.

01:04:09.000 You must come with me.

01:04:11.000 I'm about to see my theater teacher sing show tunes.

01:04:16.000 It will be most excellent.

01:04:17.000 And by the way, he's going to be very sincere.

01:04:19.000 So we went and watched this guy sing like these sincere shows. 1.00

01:04:23.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:04:24.000 And I hope you have a drink when you really want a drink. 1.00

01:04:28.000 Like that kind of stuff.

01:04:30.000 So earnest, yeah.

01:04:30.000 That what you're talking about, they're almost like doing dialogue.

01:04:35.000 Yes, just say it.

01:04:36.000 But singing.

01:04:37.000 Yeah.

01:04:37.000 They're not even rhyming.

01:04:38.000 No.

01:04:38.000 It doesn't even make sense.

01:04:40.000 Why are we singing the song?

01:04:41.000 It's terrifying.

01:04:42.000 You guys don't get it.

01:04:43.000 That's why they're singing the song.

01:04:44.000 We must not get it.

01:04:44.000 We're going to get some angry emails.

01:04:45.000 And he was really good.

01:04:46.000 I enjoyed it.

01:04:47.000 You enjoyed it?

01:04:48.000 I enjoyed it.

01:04:49.000 I was so high.

01:04:50.000 There you go.

01:04:51.000 I was so high.

01:04:51.000 That's how you enjoyed it.

01:04:52.000 My feet were barely touching the ground.

01:04:54.000 Because all I could think about was the amount of space that's in an atom.

01:04:57.000 An atom is almost entirely made out of space.

01:05:00.000 And so I was thinking of like, while this guy was singing, I was like, why do I even feel the ground? 0.99

01:05:05.000 This is all bullshit. 1.00

01:05:06.000 That's what you were enjoying. 1.00

01:05:07.000 There's no real, this is all space.

01:05:10.000 Why does it feel hard under my feet?

01:05:11.000 And that's what I was thinking about while this guy was going.

01:05:13.000 Was that here?

01:05:14.000 I hope you have a drink.

01:05:16.000 Yeah, it was on Hollywood Boulevard someplace, I believe.

01:05:20.000 It was a nice place.

01:05:21.000 Dude, I think that Heartland area, though, not just Chicago, that whole area is underrated for stand-up.

01:05:27.000 Oh, yeah, for performing.

01:05:28.000 Quite good. 0.98

01:05:30.000 You know what's kind of fucked up? 0.97

01:05:31.000 Is that not a lot of stand-ups came out of Chicago. 0.98

01:05:34.000 Like, if you look at, like, Houston, some of the all-timers, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, you know, there's a lot of... 0.97

01:05:41.000 Great fucking comics came out of Houston. 0.83

01:05:43.000 To my two all-time favorites right there. 0.99

01:05:45.000 And so, you know, you compare Chicago to Houston, Chicago's way bigger.

01:05:50.000 Like, why doesn't Chicago have a gang of comics?

01:05:52.000 Look at New York.

01:05:53.000 The list of comedians that have come out are, it's endless.

01:05:56.000 It's pointless to even start.

01:05:57.000 Look at LA. Pointless to even start.

01:05:59.000 Look at Boston.

01:06:00.000 Smaller than Chicago by a good margin.

01:06:03.000 And the amount of great comics that came out of Boston, staggering.

01:06:06.000 Chicago, you got Larry Reeb, you know, your Uncle Lair.

01:06:10.000 Remember that guy?

01:06:11.000 No.

01:06:12.000 He's a funny guy.

01:06:13.000 He's a funny guy.

01:06:13.000 Chicago guy.

01:06:14.000 He was on one of those Roddy Dangerfield HBO specials.

01:06:18.000 But a lot of improv guys.

01:06:20.000 Sketch improv guys.

01:06:21.000 That's true.

01:06:21.000 Yeah, they all do sketch and improv.

01:06:23.000 Maybe that's what it is.

01:06:23.000 Second City.

01:06:24.000 They're like goofier. 0.98

01:06:25.000 They're not analytical and angry. 0.97

01:06:26.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:06:27.000 Stand-up is better.

01:06:28.000 They know it.

01:06:29.000 You know it.

01:06:29.000 I know it.

01:06:30.000 Why wouldn't they do that? 1.00

01:06:32.000 It's the funniest shit. 0.99

01:06:33.000 If you want to see something really funny, you go see a great stand-up. 1.00

01:06:38.000 In my opinion.

01:06:40.000 And the other area, I always have a good time going there, but I don't know that many...

01:06:45.000 Well, actually, Minneapolis.

01:06:47.000 Swartzen came out of Minneapolis.

01:06:48.000 Yes. 0.97

01:06:49.000 He's a super fucking funny guy. 0.91

01:06:50.000 Yeah, he's hilarious. 0.84

01:06:51.000 I don't know that many other people from Minneapolis.

01:06:54.000 Why do I want to say that Mitch Hedberg came out of Minneapolis?

01:06:57.000 He is from Minnesota, too.

01:06:58.000 Yes.

01:06:58.000 Good one.

01:06:59.000 Yeah, he actually recorded one of his CDs at Acme, right?

01:07:03.000 Didn't he?

01:07:03.000 I don't know if he recorded one there.

01:07:05.000 I recorded one there, and I'm doing a special there.

01:07:07.000 I love Minnesota.

01:07:08.000 Doing a special in Minneapolis.

01:07:09.000 I love Minnesota, period.

01:07:11.000 It's awesome.

01:07:11.000 It's beautiful up there.

01:07:13.000 It's cold as fuck, but it's nice. 0.99

01:07:14.000 I'm going right before it gets... 0.98

01:07:16.000 I'm going November 9th, which is basically... 0.95

01:07:18.000 Once you get into January, February, it's fucking unbelievable. 0.93

01:07:22.000 It's terrifying. 0.95

01:07:23.000 You can get free tickets to go to that special, by the way.

01:07:26.000 Yes, you can.

01:07:27.000 TomSeguro.com.

01:07:28.000 Sweet, googly moogly.

01:07:31.000 Come to my special.

01:07:32.000 I can't, but I'll tell people to go.

01:07:34.000 What day is it?

01:07:35.000 November 9th.

01:07:37.000 November 9th.

01:07:38.000 Yeah.

01:07:40.000 Yeah, son.

01:07:41.000 Yeah, I love...

01:07:42.000 I mean, I picked it because I actually literally have never had a bad time doing stand-up in Minneapolis.

01:07:47.000 Yeah.

01:07:48.000 It's that good.

01:07:49.000 Yeah, so that's...

01:07:50.000 I'm in Edmonton that night.

01:07:53.000 You're in a colder place.

01:07:54.000 You're in a colder place.

01:07:56.000 Yeah, I'm at the River Creek.

01:07:57.000 Edmonton's fun, too.

01:07:59.000 You ever go up there?

01:08:00.000 I've never been there.

01:08:01.000 I've done Winnipeg, Calgary, Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal.

01:08:05.000 I love Toronto.

01:08:06.000 Toronto's amazing.

01:08:07.000 God, that's so fun.

01:08:08.000 Yeah, we did two nights in Toronto.

01:08:10.000 We did the Sony Center, right?

01:08:13.000 Yes.

01:08:14.000 We did the Sony Center one night, and then the next night we did Second City. 0.98

01:08:17.000 It was fucking incredible. 0.97

01:08:19.000 Wonderful. 1.00

01:08:20.000 Incredible.

01:08:20.000 And the people couldn't be nicer.

01:08:22.000 The people that you run into there, it's like a weird utopian city.

01:08:26.000 Yeah, it really is.

01:08:27.000 It's very strange.

01:08:28.000 They're super nice up there.

01:08:30.000 Canada is just nicer.

01:08:33.000 I've wondered many, many times to try to figure out what it is.

01:08:37.000 Like, why are they nicer?

01:08:39.000 Well, I have a friend from Canada, my friend Shane, and he claims it's because when you have...

01:08:45.000 They kind of have more of a support system, yeah?

01:08:48.000 Like, the government does take more of your money, but maybe it's because they take care of your health, they take care of you a bit more, and he's like, we don't really have a need to be as competitive.

01:08:57.000 Yeah.

01:08:57.000 No guns.

01:08:58.000 Oh, they have plenty of guns.

01:09:00.000 They do a lot of hunting up there.

01:09:01.000 But I remember watching the news in Toronto, and it wasn't a big deal.

01:09:07.000 It was just so matter-of-fact.

01:09:08.000 There was not a lot of sensationalism added to it the way we do.

01:09:11.000 It wasn't like, be afraid, be afraid, everything's terrifying.

01:09:14.000 It was like, well, today what happened is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:09:17.000 You know what?

01:09:17.000 Also, they don't have a guilty conscience as a country.

01:09:20.000 They're not out there raping the world.

01:09:22.000 Yeah, maybe that's it.

01:09:23.000 They're a part of some of the adventures that we go on, but they're like the dude that lives in the town that gets dragged along. 0.98

01:09:29.000 They're not like the crazy asshole that organizes the hit on the other village. 0.98

01:09:32.000 That's right. 1.00

01:09:34.000 Yeah, they're just, I don't know, I think it is less, has that less, you gotta, we're number one, you gotta fucking prove that you're number one, that whole mantra. 0.86

01:09:44.000 If you stopped and thought about all the fucked up shit the United States does in all the different countries, and like how many people must be like upset at the idea of the United States as a whole, not its real citizens like you or I, who really don't have any part in any of this stuff, but somehow or another get lumped in on the same team. 0.84

01:10:01.000 And we benefit from our empire. 0.99

01:10:04.000 Yeah.

01:10:05.000 That's a problem. 1.00

01:10:06.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:10:07.000 We're on this team and we benefit from this expansion, from this conquering of other lands. 1.00

01:10:10.000 That's how they keep us invested in it.

01:10:12.000 Sure.

01:10:13.000 And that's when you hear like an Ann Coulter. 0.99

01:10:14.000 It's like, yeah, so we've got to go to fucking War for Oil. 0.97

01:10:17.000 You know, people get real squirrely when it comes to that stuff. 0.98

01:10:19.000 And I see their point. 0.79

01:10:21.000 I see their point if, you know, if I looked at the world the way they do, and I think a lot of people look at the world like there's these people in these other parts of the world, and these people are evil, and these people, you know, they hate your freedom, they hate what you stand for, their religion is based on hating you and wanting you dead.

01:10:39.000 I get that.

01:10:40.000 And all that oil, too.

01:10:42.000 There's a little bit of that there, too.

01:10:44.000 That's convenient, that those same dummies are the ones who have the oil. 0.98

01:10:47.000 Yeah.

01:10:48.000 These dangerous dummies also have the oil, so we've got to go and check.

01:10:51.000 It's a coinkydink, huh? 0.99

01:10:53.000 Isn't it funny?

01:10:55.000 And they're always like... 0.77

01:10:56.000 I mean, their religion is so unreasonable. 0.99

01:10:59.000 You're not even allowed to draw their guy. 1.00

01:11:01.000 If you draw their guy, they'll fucking kill you. 0.98

01:11:03.000 I wouldn't even say that you're not allowed to draw the guy. 1.00

01:11:05.000 That might get you killed, too. 0.99

01:11:07.000 So it's like it's all set up so that it's perfectly reasonable for us to go over there and fuck them up. 1.00

01:11:14.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:11:14.000 It's almost like... 0.99

01:11:16.000 If you wanted to play some long-term geopolitical chess, long-term geopolitical chess means you've got to ensure that you're going to have some enemies to defeat in the future.

01:11:27.000 You can't keep...

01:11:29.000 You can't destroy people and then build up a new empire from scratch.

01:11:33.000 You've got to keep some enemies active.

01:11:35.000 You've got to keep them healthy.

01:11:37.000 Because if you don't have any conflict, you're not in business anymore.

01:11:40.000 That's a good point.

01:11:41.000 So you empower these countries.

01:11:43.000 So it's like when the United States, and this sounds like total hippie, info wars, nonsense, but it's a fact.

01:11:51.000 It's been going on forever.

01:11:52.000 The United States armed Iraq.

01:11:54.000 It was a Bill Hicks joke.

01:11:55.000 We know they're heavily armed.

01:11:56.000 How do we know?

01:11:57.000 We check the receipt.

01:11:59.000 What's this one doing?

01:12:00.000 They armed Iraq. 0.97

01:12:02.000 They armed Iran. 0.91

01:12:05.000 Remember the thing with President Reagan where he got in trouble because he sold arms to Iran and then he had to testify and he said he couldn't remember?

01:12:15.000 I mean, they have been doing it this way.

01:12:18.000 We provide a lot of arms to a lot of countries.

01:12:20.000 They're chess masters.

01:12:21.000 These are war masters.

01:12:22.000 And war masters play chess.

01:12:24.000 And chess is a long-term game.

01:12:26.000 And you don't want to...

01:12:27.000 If you want to keep a fight going and you want to keep getting money and keep extracting money from the society that supports this, you don't ever, like, crush your enemies.

01:12:37.000 No.

01:12:38.000 That's why they pulled out of Iraq in the first place. 0.99

01:12:40.000 The first desert storm when we first went in there...

01:12:43.000 Yeah.

01:12:43.000 When we first went in there, they decided not to take over Iraq.

01:12:47.000 They got in, they crushed the enemy, like, with almost no resistance.

01:12:50.000 The only casualties were because of a Scud missile hit barracks and killed, like, 80 people.

01:12:56.000 But that was the only people that died.

01:12:58.000 Like, other than that, it was like a few people died, and a lot of people got sick after the fact when they found out that they were using depleted uranium and people got, like, some serious radiation sicknesses and things.

01:13:09.000 But when they got to Baghdad, they decided not to take it over.

01:13:13.000 We're like, yeah, we'll just get out of here and leave.

01:13:14.000 So they left Saddam Hussein to run the country after they crushed him. 0.98

01:13:18.000 And he basically ran it the same way he always ran it with his crazy sons. 0.99

01:13:21.000 They fed people to dogs. 0.99

01:13:23.000 They were, you know, unbelievable savages.

01:13:27.000 But I believe that in the long-term chess game, it's important to have a boogeyman.

01:13:32.000 Because if we wanted to go in and take Iraq, like, we can't really justify going to war unless something happens. 0.76

01:13:40.000 And the only way something happens is if other people have some kind of power.

01:13:45.000 So they're always going to back off a little.

01:13:48.000 They're always going to let there be just enough enemies out there.

01:13:52.000 And now that it's not even like country-based, it's like terrorism. 0.99

01:13:56.000 Like back in the Nazi days, in the World War II days, they fucked up. 0.99

01:14:00.000 They had to call them Nazis. 1.00

01:14:01.000 We had to beat the Nazis. 0.67

01:14:03.000 Now what? 1.00

01:14:04.000 Help those fucking Russians. 1.00

01:14:05.000 I don't like the way they're looking at us. 1.00

01:14:07.000 They ran out of enemies.

01:14:09.000 But with terrorism, you never run out of enemies.

01:14:12.000 It's really brilliant.

01:14:13.000 You need that for the sale.

01:14:14.000 To do the sale to the public.

01:14:16.000 To be like, you know what?

01:14:17.000 We've got to do this because here's the terrorists.

01:14:19.000 And they're everywhere.

01:14:20.000 You go, oh yeah.

01:14:20.000 We've got to do something now.

01:14:22.000 They come with a bunch of different names. 0.99

01:14:23.000 They're confusing as fuck. 0.99

01:14:24.000 They're Al-Qaeda. 1.00

01:14:25.000 They're the Taliban. 0.72

01:14:26.000 They don't wear a uniform.

01:14:27.000 Which is the difference?

01:14:28.000 Is Al-Qaeda part of the Taliban?

01:14:30.000 They start out with the Taliban and break off into a much more rebellious faction?

01:14:34.000 And I'll tell you, you have no idea how many bases we do have.

01:14:40.000 Over a hundred.

01:14:42.000 More than a hundred different countries.

01:14:45.000 We're still in Kuwait.

01:14:47.000 We're in Saudi Arabia.

01:14:50.000 They gave me a duplicate passport.

01:14:55.000 I had two passports, one of which I had to surrender after I went in and out of Saudi.

01:14:59.000 It was like a decoy passport to go into Saudi Arabia to perform and then come immediately back out.

01:15:04.000 What does that mean?

01:15:05.000 Was it illegal what you were doing?

01:15:06.000 I don't know.

01:15:07.000 Are you a criminal? 0.70

01:15:08.000 Are you a criminal on my show? 0.54

01:15:09.000 Because I pay taxes.

01:15:11.000 No!

01:15:12.000 I'm trying to drive an American car and I pay taxes.

01:15:14.000 But it was a trip.

01:15:15.000 I mean, we're not supposed to be there, right?

01:15:18.000 What is that supposed to, though?

01:15:19.000 No one's supposed to be anywhere. 0.99

01:15:20.000 No one's supposed to be controlling the fucking oil, either. 0.99

01:15:23.000 We're everywhere. 0.99

01:15:24.000 No one is supposed to be anywhere. 0.92

01:15:26.000 The whole idea is ridiculous. 0.65

01:15:27.000 And I think it's going to break down. 0.93

01:15:30.000 You just can't see it keep going.

01:15:31.000 I think it's just like everything else.

01:15:33.000 It's been slowly but surely dissolving around us.

01:15:36.000 I think as technology increases, as our access to each other increases...

01:15:43.000 It's going to be way easier to decipher what other people are saying.

01:15:46.000 The whole idea about the Tower of Babel to keep man forever divided by making a gang of different languages so they can never completely communicate with each other. 0.99

01:15:55.000 That's all slowly being broken down and it's one of the biggest impediments to peace.

01:15:59.000 It's one of the biggest impediments to cultural understanding.

01:16:02.000 I love watching shows about other countries, about how they eat and what they do.

01:16:07.000 I love Anthony Bourdain's show, especially.

01:16:09.000 Oh, me too.

01:16:10.000 I could watch anything that guy does.

01:16:12.000 Yeah, he's an awesome dude too.

01:16:14.000 And he goes over to Egypt and they eat camels.

01:16:18.000 And he was there when they slaughtered it.

01:16:20.000 They killed the camel in front of him and gutted it and slaughtered it.

01:16:24.000 You know, and they're all cooking.

01:16:25.000 They eat it with their hands.

01:16:26.000 They all, you know, it's really kind of crazy.

01:16:29.000 Like, you never shake hands with your left hand.

01:16:31.000 Right.

01:16:32.000 Because they don't use toilet paper. 1.00

01:16:33.000 They wash their assholes with their left hand. 1.00

01:16:35.000 And they eat with their right hand. 1.00

01:16:36.000 So they shake hands with their right hand. 1.00

01:16:38.000 You keep your fucking right hand clean, bitch. 1.00

01:16:40.000 Because you're going to shake my hand and I'm going to... 1.00

01:16:42.000 You better not be wiping your ass with your right hand. 1.00

01:16:44.000 It's really important. 1.00

01:16:46.000 It makes sense, though, if you think about it.

01:16:48.000 They've got it down to a science.

01:16:49.000 Yeah, because I asked this guy once, I was like, did you really use your hand?

01:16:52.000 And he's like, it's much cleaner. 1.00

01:16:53.000 And when you think about it, he's like, you Americans, you take toilet paper and then you mash the shit against your ass. 1.00

01:16:59.000 Like, you mash it against you. 1.00

01:17:00.000 It's disgusting. 1.00

01:17:00.000 So stupid. 1.00

01:17:01.000 And he's like, me, I took my hand, I used my hand, and then I washed my hand. 1.00

01:17:04.000 I'm like, do you use soap?

01:17:05.000 He's like, what's soap?

01:17:07.000 What's soap?

01:17:08.000 Soap is what makes you smell not like you. 0.96

01:17:12.000 But didn't you see them shitting off of the... 0.96

01:17:15.000 Yeah, so, yeah, I was on an oil platform in between Iran and Iraq, in the middle of nowhere in the ocean, yeah?

01:17:21.000 And it's a mile-long platform, half American marines, half Iraqi soldiers, and we're teaching the Iraqis how to guard their oil.

01:17:28.000 That's the theory.

01:17:29.000 Anyways, the Iraqi barracks, I got to tour them, not so nice. 0.98

01:17:34.000 Like, those dudes were shitting off the side of the platform, and then the fish that were eating the shit, they would fish those fish and then eat the fish. 0.99

01:17:43.000 Yeah, a lot of filth. 0.99

01:17:46.000 What about Buttfuck Thursday?

01:17:47.000 I don't know if that's just negative propaganda.

01:17:50.000 Man Love Thursday, that's what the Americans say.

01:17:53.000 Sam Tripoli claims it's 100% fact.

01:17:56.000 Yeah?

01:17:57.000 Has he seen that?

01:17:58.000 He said he knows things.

01:17:59.000 Has he done it?

01:18:00.000 He's been there.

01:18:01.000 Fight crime, bro.

01:18:03.000 Crime fighter, bro.

01:18:04.000 Crime fighter, bro. 1.00

01:18:05.000 Fucking gigging. 1.00

01:18:05.000 I'm shady. 1.00

01:18:06.000 Gigging.

01:18:07.000 I'm gigging.

01:18:08.000 Yeah, they're nasty, though. 0.97

01:18:10.000 Their mattresses were all brown and grody. 0.99

01:18:12.000 So they live like savages.

01:18:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:18:14.000 They don't give a shit like we do about hygiene. 1.00

01:18:16.000 Is it because they don't give a shit or they don't have the money? 1.00

01:18:19.000 Well, we were training them and providing them with supplies. 0.99

01:18:22.000 So, at the time, they did have access to these things.

01:18:25.000 Like, we gave them a bunch of water bottles, and we're like, dude, just put this, you know...

01:18:28.000 And it was all over.

01:18:30.000 They would throw the water bottles just all over the floor, as opposed to, like, putting them in the refrigerator that the Americans had provided.

01:18:36.000 So...

01:18:37.000 They're probably really disenchanted.

01:18:41.000 Their country got conquered.

01:18:43.000 Everyone they know got killed.

01:18:44.000 I totally agree.

01:18:45.000 And you're like, why are you telling me how to do my thing?

01:18:47.000 Do you ever think about how we would react to just one example of what we do to another country?

01:18:54.000 We could see it.

01:18:55.000 We could see it in the south and the north.

01:18:56.000 Have you ever gone to the south and people call you a Yankee?

01:18:59.000 I've had people call me Yankees before. 1.00

01:19:01.000 You're just a fucking Yankee. 1.00

01:19:04.000 Okay. 1.00

01:19:06.000 I'm worse than a Yankee dude. 1.00

01:19:07.000 I'm a foreigner.

01:19:08.000 My family came from other countries. 1.00

01:19:10.000 I wasn't here when your bullshit was going on with those people. 0.99

01:19:13.000 Wait until they see Pajitzky on the marquee. 1.00

01:19:15.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:19:15.000 Oh my God.

01:19:16.000 Oh, you some kind of new Jew. 1.00

01:19:18.000 Yeah, totally. 0.66

01:19:19.000 New kind of Jew. 0.99

01:19:20.000 But I remember this when I was on that oil platform.

01:19:22.000 They had this thing where it was like Operation Wind Hearts and Mines.

01:19:26.000 And...

01:19:27.000 This is the craziest thing ever. 1.00

01:19:29.000 Norman Rockwell just fucked the army in its mouth. 1.00

01:19:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:19:32.000 So what they would do...

01:19:34.000 Oh, you'd die. 0.98

01:19:34.000 So once a week, they had ice cream socials with the Iraqis, and they would fucking find a way to get tubs of Rocky Road ice cream airlifted onto this oil platform, and then I would be having ice cream with the Iraqis so that they would see how amazing our American Rocky Road... 0.98

01:19:52.000 Isn't everything amazing in America? 0.93

01:19:53.000 Like, don't you want this? 0.99

01:19:54.000 And they're like, yeah, this is pretty good fucking ice cream. 1.00

01:19:56.000 It's going to take back my grandmother getting her head blown off in front of me. 1.00

01:20:00.000 Right, right. 0.98

01:20:01.000 I'm defecting.

01:20:01.000 This is amazing.

01:20:02.000 It's got chocolate chunks in it.

01:20:03.000 You don't like that?

01:20:04.000 Wow.

01:20:05.000 Does it make you forget about your family?

01:20:06.000 I lost almost everyone in my family, but I think it was worth it.

01:20:09.000 Yeah.

01:20:09.000 Because this is cold and sweet.

01:20:11.000 It's like a swirl.

01:20:11.000 It's kind of delicious.

01:20:12.000 That is so hilarious.

01:20:14.000 You don't remember your nephew now, right?

01:20:15.000 Yeah.

01:20:15.000 You don't need your kids.

01:20:16.000 You've got Rocky Road.

01:20:17.000 That's so hilarious.

01:20:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:20:20.000 What a weird fucking thing it is. 1.00

01:20:23.000 What a weird fucking thing it is to just go into another country and kill everybody and then give them stuff. 1.00

01:20:28.000 And then we need to set up permanently here, guys. 0.99

01:20:31.000 After we've killed everybody, we're going to be here a while.

01:20:33.000 We don't think you can do this on your own, even though you did this on your own since like the 900s.

01:20:40.000 Right.

01:20:41.000 They have to go, okay, you're right, we won't get upset.

01:20:44.000 Well, that's the second time that someone has done that to Baghdad.

01:20:47.000 I've been listening to, for the past couple of years, Dan Carlin's Hardcore History.

01:20:53.000 I guess about a year, a year and a half.

01:20:55.000 And he has this amazing series about the Mongols.

01:20:59.000 It's called, yeah, the Mongol invasions.

01:21:01.000 I love those.

01:21:02.000 Well, Hungarians are... 1.00

01:21:03.000 Are you guys one of the Mongols? 0.81

01:21:05.000 The Mongols, yes. 0.85

01:21:05.000 Really? 0.85

01:21:05.000 The Mongols fucked all you, that's why. 0.85

01:21:07.000 The Huns, yes. 1.00

01:21:08.000 Yeah, they came in and fucked everybody. 1.00

01:21:09.000 Yes. 1.00

01:21:10.000 But he has this whole piece about them taking over Baghdad. 0.99

01:21:14.000 And you kind of understand why the Middle East is so fucked up once you hear it. 1.00

01:21:17.000 They killed everybody. 1.00

01:21:19.000 They threw all of their writing into the river.

01:21:21.000 They said the river ran black with ink and red with blood.

01:21:25.000 Killed everybody.

01:21:26.000 Like literally killed everybody. 0.98

01:21:27.000 Like they killed a million people. 0.98

01:21:29.000 Like, they would kill people, then they would come back two weeks later to see if anybody was cleaning up the bodies, and they'd kill them. 1.00

01:21:35.000 Jesus. 0.99

01:21:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:36.000 They didn't fuck around. 0.99

01:21:37.000 That's effective. 0.99

01:21:38.000 And they say that Baghdad never really recovered. 0.98

01:21:41.000 And, like, essentially, in the 1200s, 12-whatever-it-was, when Genghis Khan did all that crazy shit... 0.91

01:21:48.000 From then until now, they've never recovered. 0.94

01:21:51.000 But back then, they were the pinnacle of civilization.

01:21:53.000 They were like scholars and scientists and they were excellent keepers of records.

01:21:59.000 All that went in the river. 1.00

01:22:01.000 Bitch! 1.00

01:22:02.000 Just cut everybody's head off. 1.00

01:22:03.000 Isn't that interesting? 1.00

01:22:04.000 And that's it.

01:22:04.000 Once your intellectual history is gone, you're done for it.

01:22:07.000 It's done.

01:22:07.000 You start from scratch and everyone's dead, by the way.

01:22:10.000 This might be a hippy, dippy, dopey thought, a pot thought, but I fear that our culture is going that way because of the disappearance of the bookstore, because of the disappearance of...

01:22:22.000 Book learning, book reading, because of the nooks.

01:22:26.000 Just download that.

01:22:27.000 There's a process when you go into a bookstore and you go, I'm interested in this topic.

01:22:31.000 And you point your finger and you go, what's that?

01:22:34.000 What's that?

01:22:35.000 I feel like that experience is gone.

01:22:38.000 I feel like we're totally regressing into idiocracy and it is going that direction.

01:22:43.000 Well, we have always gone to the path of least resistance.

01:22:47.000 Every person does.

01:22:48.000 You have to fight to not do that.

01:22:50.000 And the path of least resistance is, you can just watch TV. You can just sit on the couch.

01:22:55.000 You can just go order some takeout.

01:22:58.000 Just get a pizza delivered.

01:23:00.000 The path of least resistance is not going to the bookstore, getting a book, sitting home, reading it, absorbing it.

01:23:07.000 Right.

01:23:08.000 No, it's sitting in front of a television.

01:23:10.000 Yeah.

01:23:12.000 It's just, we have so much, like, go into the supermarket to get your food.

01:23:15.000 That's another thing that's probably not good.

01:23:17.000 It's probably better if everybody grew their own food.

01:23:19.000 If we had, like, community gardens, and everybody grew their own food, and, you know, and even if you don't eat meat, all you really need is some chickens.

01:23:27.000 You know, if you have a bunch of hens, they don't, they lay eggs. 0.80

01:23:30.000 You don't have to, you're not killing a chicken.

01:23:32.000 Right.

01:23:33.000 Those eggs will never become a chicken unless a rooster's in the house.

01:23:37.000 So if the rooster's banging them, then those chickens have the potential to have a baby. 1.00

01:23:41.000 Otherwise, they're just laying eggs that are free food.

01:23:43.000 You feed them, you give them your table scraps, like vegetables and stuff.

01:23:47.000 They eat it, they love it.

01:23:48.000 You let them run around your yard and pick up your grass.

01:23:51.000 That's like a smart way to live. 1.00

01:23:52.000 The way we do it, we're not connected to our fucking food. 0.96

01:23:56.000 I think that, just like being not connected to information, not reading books anymore, not exploring and learning ideas... 0.98

01:24:03.000 That was bad for you.

01:24:04.000 But I think on the other hand, there's never been more information available to everybody on your phone, on a computer.

01:24:10.000 But I agree with you.

01:24:11.000 But it's an abridged, weird version.

01:24:13.000 There's something different about reading.

01:24:15.000 Let's say you want to know what Nietzsche said.

01:24:17.000 There's a huge difference between picking up Beyond Good and Evil and reading that bitch cover to cover and being like, Wow, there's this and that idea and making connections than going to Wikipedia and being like, Frederick Nietzsche, what did that guy say? 0.99

01:24:29.000 God is dead. 0.98

01:24:29.000 Got it. 0.98

01:24:30.000 On to the next thing.

01:24:31.000 And you quote it on a message board to seem like a genius.

01:24:33.000 Of course.

01:24:34.000 Right.

01:24:34.000 There's a huge difference.

01:24:35.000 Do you even know who said that, bro?

01:24:36.000 That's what you throw in.

01:24:38.000 You know, someone says something and you Google debunked and then you pick out a quote from that.

01:24:44.000 See, this goes back to why our relationship works.

01:24:48.000 It's because I don't let her smartness upset me.

01:24:53.000 Right, Tommy.

01:24:54.000 It's true.

01:24:54.000 I don't know.

01:24:55.000 No, I'm serious.

01:24:56.000 I think what makes it work is that, you know, you like your book and then you're reading.

01:25:01.000 And I'll actually go, you know what?

01:25:04.000 I should read a book.

01:25:05.000 I use it as inspiration.

01:25:07.000 You're a reader.

01:25:08.000 But I download my books onto my iPad.

01:25:11.000 I do too now, though.

01:25:12.000 I'm not saying that that's...

01:25:13.000 No, no.

01:25:13.000 But I'm saying it is an extension of what we're talking about.

01:25:16.000 Like, you know, you have good habits that I, you know, copy.

01:25:19.000 I go, I should read a book.

01:25:20.000 Because you're reading so many books.

01:25:21.000 And then, do you know what I learned from you?

01:25:23.000 That you should watch a football game.

01:25:24.000 That I should like football.

01:25:25.000 No. 0.88

01:25:25.000 I learned how to deal with, like, white dudes. 0.88

01:25:28.000 Because I kind of...

01:25:29.000 No, like, Tommy's really good at dealing with, like, white dude America, like, business things, and I learn from him.

01:25:36.000 Like, I watch him, how he does all that.

01:25:38.000 White dudes. 0.63

01:25:39.000 Yeah, like, the man, you know what I'm saying?

01:25:40.000 Like, business and stuff, because I'm not good at that.

01:25:43.000 You're supposed to get some Jew to do that for you. 1.00

01:25:45.000 I totally have them.

01:25:46.000 Thank you.

01:25:47.000 Yes.

01:25:48.000 A smart Jew.

01:25:49.000 I have a team of Jews.

01:25:50.000 They seem to have a good grip on how to run the show business industry.

01:25:55.000 What's that about?

01:25:56.000 I think that people, I think, first of all, I think a lot of Jews are smart.

01:26:00.000 If you look at the amount of...

01:26:00.000 Super smart.

01:26:01.000 Yeah, if you look at the amount of Nobel Prize winners in science and PhDs, a shitload of them are Jewish from Europe, European Jews. 0.99

01:26:16.000 Yes.

01:26:17.000 It's amazing how many of them.

01:26:18.000 It's amazing.

01:26:19.000 It's a staggering number.

01:26:21.000 I think it's just an excellent gene pool as far as intellectuals.

01:26:25.000 Is that why they're so persecuted historically?

01:26:28.000 It's a good culture to be born into.

01:26:30.000 Culturally, it's a supportive atmosphere.

01:26:34.000 It's the atmosphere, a lot of times, of helping, bringing people along, inspiring.

01:26:40.000 Right, but there's a seclusionary thing that they have going on a bit where they kind of exclude everybody else out of their community.

01:26:48.000 If you looked at it, I mean, I hate to be a Jew lover here, but if you looked at it...

01:26:53.000 In terms of just accomplishments and just it makes sense that they would want to keep everybody out. 0.99

01:27:01.000 If you looked at the amount of shit that they've pulled off. 0.99

01:27:03.000 Right. 1.00

01:27:04.000 Like intellectually, like the amount of things that the Jewish people have done. 1.00

01:27:07.000 I mean, it's really kind of staggering, especially compared to my moron people. 1.00

01:27:11.000 My moron people have like Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and everybody else is retarded. 1.00

01:27:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:27:17.000 You know? 1.00

01:27:18.000 A few dudes who make cars and a bunch of assholes who look like me, look like chimp people. 1.00

01:27:25.000 You know, they're a bunch of chimp people. 1.00

01:27:27.000 Good suits, man. 0.63

01:27:28.000 Good tailors.

01:27:29.000 Yeah, and my people are the southern people.

01:27:31.000 My people are not the smart ones who look like Europeans. 1.00

01:27:34.000 My people are the ape-like characters who look like they carried bricks up hills. 1.00

01:27:40.000 When I say that these Jews are so much smarter than a lot of other nationalities, it's just a fact. 0.62

01:27:48.000 It really is.

01:27:49.000 If you look at accomplishments, let's not say they're smarter, but they're exemplary for sure.

01:27:55.000 And so if they were that exemplary and that accomplished as a race, it makes sense they'd be exclusionary. 1.00

01:28:02.000 They'd want to keep all my dumb genes from fucking their daughter. 1.00

01:28:06.000 Shooting her up with some live crazy load that's gonna create some half smart half fucking ape kid. 1.00

01:28:13.000 Gonna run around and ruin things at the Jewish school and be like, bro, I'm not wearing a fucking yarmulke, alright? 1.00

01:28:18.000 That shit's stupid. 1.00

01:28:19.000 My dad says it's dumb as fuck. 1.00

01:28:22.000 Oh, you got a beanie? 1.00

01:28:23.000 God wants you to wear a beanie?

01:28:24.000 Dude, seriously?

01:28:25.000 We got this genius that just joined our tribe, guys.

01:28:28.000 God made flowers, God made beehives, and he wants you to wear a beanie. 1.00

01:28:31.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:28:33.000 It also keeps... 1.00

01:28:33.000 If you're that exclusionary, you get to keep outside competition from your businesses. 1.00

01:28:39.000 Yes.

01:28:40.000 Can I tell you what?

01:28:41.000 That is also an immigrant practice.

01:28:44.000 My father's Hungarian, and he primarily deals with other Hungarians...

01:28:48.000 Or Eastern European.

01:28:49.000 Or Eastern European.

01:28:50.000 Not other tribes. 0.92

01:28:53.000 He's very explicit.

01:28:54.000 But that's a common immigrant thing to do as well.

01:28:57.000 The Asians deal with the Asians, etc. 0.99

01:28:59.000 And somehow or another, they've made blowjobs less of a taboo. 1.00

01:29:04.000 The Jewish girls always enjoyed the blowjobs much more than the American girls. 1.00

01:29:09.000 It felt like they were doing you a massive favor. 1.00

01:29:11.000 You're right.

01:29:12.000 I think that stops once you marry them, though.

01:29:14.000 That's what I've heard.

01:29:15.000 That's a wrap. 1.00

01:29:16.000 That's the fucking bait and switch right there. 1.00

01:29:18.000 Replaced by nagging. 1.00

01:29:19.000 But they like it.

01:29:20.000 When I was in high school, that was the word.

01:29:23.000 The word was that Jewish girls give head. 1.00

01:29:24.000 They like it.

01:29:25.000 Let's do a poll.

01:29:26.000 They're always freaker in the sack, I think. 1.00

01:29:29.000 But I'm German.

01:29:30.000 I'm sorry, the Jewesses? 1.00

01:29:32.000 Jewesses. 0.98

01:29:32.000 But they also have that reputation of being naggy. 0.98

01:29:35.000 They have the reputation of not being sexual. 0.89

01:29:39.000 Prejudice against Italians.

01:29:41.000 I'm definitely prejudiced against Italians. 1.00

01:29:43.000 Yeah, are you? 1.00

01:29:44.000 I don't fuck my people. 1.00

01:29:45.000 I haven't fucked my people since the early 80s. 1.00

01:29:49.000 Really? 0.99

01:29:49.000 I learned a long time ago to keep away from my people. 0.99

01:29:52.000 Jewish girls? 1.00

01:29:53.000 Interesting. 0.99

01:29:54.000 Savages.

01:29:54.000 Chimp people.

01:29:56.000 They're chimp people. 1.00

01:29:57.000 I've only had one girl swing at me ever. 0.98

01:29:59.000 She was Italian.

01:29:59.000 Full blown.

01:30:00.000 This bitch took a wind-up. 1.00

01:30:02.000 Was she like a fucking Jersey Shore kind of bitch? 1.00

01:30:05.000 Long Island. 1.00

01:30:06.000 Bitch is crazy. 1.00

01:30:07.000 She's ready to go to war. 1.00

01:30:08.000 Yeah.

01:30:09.000 Yeah, I mean, I didn't hit her back.

01:30:10.000 I just grabbed ahold of her. 0.68

01:30:12.000 I'm like, we don't have to do this.

01:30:14.000 Let's not turn this into a slugfest.

01:30:17.000 You can't hit back, right?

01:30:18.000 No.

01:30:18.000 Oh, you can't do that.

01:30:19.000 Oh, my God.

01:30:20.000 You can't get in a slugfest with a chick? 1.00

01:30:23.000 No.

01:30:23.000 I mean, girls can with other girls, but...

01:30:26.000 Well, you know, but my point is, I've never had a white girl swing at me. 0.98

01:30:30.000 No.

01:30:31.000 Other than Italians. 1.00

01:30:32.000 Yeah.

01:30:33.000 Remember drunk Katie?

01:30:34.000 Remember her?

01:30:35.000 Yeah, Katie's awesome. 1.00

01:30:36.000 Yeah, I love Katie.

01:30:37.000 She's so funny.

01:30:38.000 I was talking to her yesterday, and she reminded me of that time where somebody in the audience, Davey was on stage.

01:30:45.000 Davey, the guy that has, you know, he walks funny.

01:30:48.000 Cerebral palsy?

01:30:49.000 Yeah.

01:30:49.000 He walks funny.

01:30:53.000 So somebody yelled out, like, you're not funny retard to him? 0.90

01:30:56.000 Jesus. 0.90

01:30:57.000 And Katie was waiting.

01:30:58.000 She was a waitress there at the time. 0.94

01:31:00.000 And she came up and goes, did you just say he was retarded? 0.68

01:31:03.000 And she goes, yeah. 0.94

01:31:03.000 And she just punched him and knocked him out. 0.94

01:31:06.000 She knocked him out?

01:31:07.000 Well, you got to throw that all through the red band filter.

01:31:10.000 Well, then she knocked him out. 0.89

01:31:12.000 Did she hurt him?

01:31:13.000 Oh, she said.

01:31:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:14.000 Oh, there you go.

01:31:15.000 She's from Boston.

01:31:16.000 She's like a Boston. 1.00

01:31:17.000 She will punch somebody, no doubt. 0.98

01:31:18.000 She's hilarious. 0.98

01:31:19.000 Mm-hmm.

01:31:19.000 We had some of the funniest times at that store talking to her and Eleanor.

01:31:25.000 Eleanor, who's now finally doing comedy. 0.88

01:31:27.000 Eleanor Kerrigan is fucking hilarious, and she's always been hilarious. 1.00

01:31:32.000 When she finally started doing comedy, I was like, wow, why didn't you do this a long time ago? 0.89

01:31:37.000 You were always hilarious.

01:31:39.000 And she's a hack detective, you know?

01:31:43.000 Like, I would say, like, everybody says this guy's funny.

01:31:45.000 Is he funny? 1.00

01:31:46.000 And she would go, if you like old, stupid premises, redone. 1.00

01:31:50.000 And then she would, like, walk off. 1.00

01:31:52.000 Like, she knew. 0.99

01:31:54.000 She knew it was bullshit and what wasn't. 0.99

01:31:56.000 She knew about dance moves. 0.99

01:31:57.000 Doing dance moves?

01:32:00.000 Tommy's word for when a joke's not really that funny, you're trying to jazz it up, give it some dance moves.

01:32:06.000 I would call it English.

01:32:07.000 Putting English on the cue ball, make it spin around for no reason.

01:32:10.000 Like when you have to really work it.

01:32:11.000 Oh, I know.

01:32:12.000 Believe me.

01:32:12.000 In the South, you have to do that a little bit.

01:32:14.000 Do you think so?

01:32:15.000 Yeah, I shuck and jive a lot harder.

01:32:18.000 I slow it down, too.

01:32:20.000 I slow it down.

01:32:20.000 Well, I've always said this.

01:32:22.000 I think it's way harder for a woman to do stand-up. 1.00

01:32:24.000 I think it's harder to get the attention on stage from men to give you the ball, you know, because guys will, hey, I'm funnier than this bitch. 1.00

01:32:33.000 Let me talk. 0.98

01:32:34.000 You can't have opinions on things.

01:32:37.000 You certainly can't have opinions on, like, religion or politics or anything controversial where you or I could pull off, you know, like, I don't agree with this guy, but shh.

01:32:47.000 But if a woman's on stage telling Jesus jokes... 1.00

01:32:51.000 Yeah, it's very volatile. 1.00

01:32:52.000 Fuck yeah, it's volatile. 0.97

01:32:53.000 But that's why it's so important, and I think that that's why it's a good thing to do it. 0.99

01:32:57.000 Well, it's important when they're funny like you.

01:33:01.000 That's when it's important.

01:33:02.000 Because when they're not funny, they should just quit because they're ruining the rest of the whole thing.

01:33:06.000 I can't say that because a lot of people start off not funny and then figure out how to get funny.

01:33:12.000 That's true.

01:33:13.000 Yeah, man.

01:33:14.000 Don't you think every guy or every girl faces their own biases socially?

01:33:18.000 When you go up on stage, the audience doesn't know who you are.

01:33:21.000 If you're a black guy, the assumption is, this guy's got to be the funniest guy on the planet. 0.95

01:33:26.000 Maybe to you, whitey. 1.00

01:33:29.000 People do, I think, generalize black dudes on stage, though.

01:33:33.000 I think they give them more props a lot of times.

01:33:35.000 Yeah, I agree with that. 0.81

01:33:36.000 To black people they don't know. 1.00

01:33:37.000 Well, I think a lot of black people throughout history have been fantastic performers.

01:33:40.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:33:41.000 If you look at the number of people, like, all-time, you know, number of black people and number of great black entertainers, especially in stand-up, is so disproportionate. 0.99

01:33:51.000 Because if you think of, like, the greatest comics of all time, you know, if you had to, like, do 100 of them, it's going to be more than 10 that are black, you know?

01:33:59.000 I mean, there's 10% of the population is black.

01:34:01.000 If you took the 100 greatest comedians, probably, like, 50 of them would be black.

01:34:05.000 Right, right. 0.79

01:34:06.000 Yeah, they're disproportionately funnier.

01:34:08.000 Yeah, I mean, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby.

01:34:13.000 You know, those are in the top five all-time greats.

01:34:17.000 And there's four of them.

01:34:18.000 They're black. 0.74

01:34:19.000 Dave Chappelle.

01:34:20.000 Five black guys.

01:34:21.000 Right there. 0.70

01:34:21.000 Bang, bang, [... 0.70

01:34:22.000 And the Jews. 0.78

01:34:23.000 Very funny.

01:34:24.000 Jews are funny. 0.82

01:34:25.000 Jews are funny!

01:34:27.000 I watched some...

01:34:29.000 Dude, see if you can pull this because it's kind of interesting.

01:34:32.000 Pull this up.

01:34:33.000 Rare footage of Woody Allen doing stand-up.

01:34:36.000 Woody Allen doing stand-up from 1965. My glasses.

01:34:41.000 He was funny.

01:34:42.000 He was.

01:34:42.000 He was young.

01:34:43.000 And he was smart. 0.93

01:34:44.000 You could tell he was perverted. 0.95

01:34:45.000 I'll tell you that right now. 1.00

01:34:46.000 That dude's a freak. 0.98

01:34:47.000 You know what? 1.00

01:34:47.000 He's always obsessed with young pussy. 1.00

01:34:50.000 That's always his theme in every movie, almost, if you watch them, it's redemption through young pussy. 1.00

01:34:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:56.000 I'm aging.

01:34:56.000 That works.

01:34:57.000 I'm nevish.

01:34:58.000 And it totally works.

01:34:59.000 You don't understand that that's real.

01:35:00.000 Is that right?

01:35:00.000 Of course it's real.

01:35:01.000 Oh, is that why my dad does it? 1.00

01:35:02.000 I think old guys get young pussy. 1.00

01:35:03.000 And they bang him and they're like, yes! 1.00

01:35:06.000 Yeah, redeeming.

01:35:07.000 Of course.

01:35:08.000 Look at this.

01:35:08.000 Watch this.

01:35:09.000 I know.

01:35:10.000 How old is it?

01:35:11.000 Did it say how old he is there, Brian?

01:35:12.000 65. Did it say how old he is?

01:35:13.000 65. He was doing philosophy jokes and shit, this guy. 0.99

01:35:18.000 Metropolitan Museum of Art, which is this fabulous museum of art. 0.97

01:35:22.000 And when I was younger, I used to hang out a lot at the museum in search of a meaningful social relationship.

01:35:32.000 I used to look for girls at the museum. 0.99

01:35:35.000 And I saw on the wall once a nude by Rubens, but a real succulent nude.

01:35:43.000 Succulent.

01:35:44.000 A naked huntress. 1.00

01:35:46.000 You've got to look at this, too.

01:35:47.000 He's so, like, animated.

01:35:49.000 I got very emotionally involved with the painting, you know.

01:35:53.000 Two guards had to restrain me.

01:35:55.000 I tried to lick some of the oil off the canvas.

01:36:01.000 I was thinking to myself, at that time, where is it that I could meet the kind of girl that would pose for that type picture?

01:36:07.000 And in my neighborhood, there's an art supply shop that deals in offbeat things.

01:36:12.000 And I run down there, and I get the name of an artist model off the wall.

01:36:16.000 And I call her up.

01:36:18.000 And I came on very strong like an artist.

01:36:20.000 I used a lot of very artistic terms like brush, I said, and easel.

01:36:25.000 I was just adorable.

01:36:27.000 And we agreed on a price, you know, and hung up.

01:36:30.000 And I got all dressed up in my smock and beret, you know, and little Harvey's Bristol cream on the hair.

01:36:39.000 I'm too much when I want to be.

01:36:41.000 And I waited there.

01:36:46.000 Now, later, there's a knock on my door, and standing there is this fabulous woman, but really sensational. 1.00

01:36:52.000 I let her in quickly, you know, and I lock the door with my police lock immediately. 0.87

01:36:58.000 He's such a creep.

01:36:59.000 Take off your clothes right away, because I don't know much about art, but I know what I like. 1.00

01:37:05.000 God the fuck. 1.00

01:37:07.000 Look at his face. 1.00

01:37:09.000 She took off everything, very professional, and posed.

01:37:12.000 And I began to shake.

01:37:15.000 That's my thing.

01:37:15.000 I shake all the time.

01:37:18.000 I'm not good in those kind of situations.

01:37:20.000 I'm perspiring audibly.

01:37:23.000 She's standing there in front of me, majestic.

01:37:26.000 I took my piece of paper and my charcoal pencil and I went up to her and I got into little trouble with her because I tried to trace her.

01:37:38.000 Living as I do in our rich neighborhood.

01:37:43.000 It's fascinating to see.

01:37:44.000 You can see his kinkiness, for sure. 1.00

01:37:46.000 Oh, for sure!

01:37:47.000 By the way, do you know how racy that was in 1965 on television?

01:37:51.000 Wow, yeah.

01:37:52.000 I think it was on television.

01:37:53.000 I mean, it's being filmed, whatever it is.

01:37:56.000 Does it say where it was from?

01:37:58.000 Does it say, like, a show or anything?

01:38:00.000 It was weird.

01:38:01.000 It was in front of a staircase. 0.97

01:38:02.000 It was a shitty set. 0.93

01:38:03.000 They didn't know about sets back then. 0.96

01:38:04.000 TV was only 10 years old.

01:38:06.000 It doesn't say.

01:38:08.000 But when you stop and knowing what you know now and you watch that video...

01:38:12.000 Yes!

01:38:12.000 Isn't that something?

01:38:14.000 What a nightmare that must have been for everybody involved.

01:38:17.000 Oh my god.

01:38:17.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:38:19.000 Craziness, huh?

01:38:20.000 You and your wife get divorced and you're now banging his daughter.

01:38:25.000 Her daughter that used to be your daughter and now it's your wife. 1.00

01:38:28.000 Adopted.

01:38:28.000 Your adopted daughter.

01:38:29.000 Your adopted daughter.

01:38:30.000 It's not, okay.

01:38:32.000 It's not healthy.

01:38:32.000 That's weird.

01:38:33.000 Who trusts you as a parental figure?

01:38:35.000 But it's so weird.

01:38:36.000 I mean, has it ever been done by a public figure like that before?

01:38:39.000 I don't know.

01:38:40.000 Roman Polanski was banged.

01:38:41.000 No, no, no, nothing like that.

01:38:42.000 But not his daughter.

01:38:43.000 But nothing like that. 1.00

01:38:44.000 Yeah, he raped a girl. 0.99

01:38:46.000 I mean, Roman Polanski did a really horrible thing. 0.99

01:38:48.000 Wait a minute.

01:38:48.000 Jerry Lee Lewis.

01:38:48.000 Jerry Lee Lewis banged his cousin.

01:38:50.000 Didn't he marry his cousin?

01:38:50.000 Yeah.

01:38:51.000 That's different, too, though.

01:38:52.000 It's different, too, though.

01:38:53.000 You're the parental figure.

01:38:54.000 Yeah, the parental figure is a way more disturbing prospect.

01:38:58.000 Yeah, man.

01:38:59.000 That's the most disturbing.

01:39:00.000 Yeah, sure.

01:39:01.000 That's the one that makes you just unforgivably disturbing.

01:39:04.000 But the hot can't help what the hot wants.

01:39:09.000 That's what people would say.

01:39:10.000 This is so gross. 0.90

01:39:11.000 And the wife, man, she seems like she's off the rails. 0.97

01:39:16.000 Is this Mia Farrow?

01:39:18.000 She seems off the rails.

01:39:19.000 She was banging Sinatra when she was like 15. Well, her son is not Woody Allen's son.

01:39:25.000 Her son is Sinatra's son.

01:39:26.000 What?

01:39:26.000 But that's like not confirmed though, right?

01:39:28.000 Oh, it's totally confirmed.

01:39:29.000 It is?

01:39:30.000 Yeah.

01:39:31.000 Pull up the picture.

01:39:32.000 Mia Farrow's son is Sinatra's son.

01:39:34.000 Wait till you see him.

01:39:35.000 All you have to do is look at him and you go, that is Sinatra.

01:39:38.000 Now how did she get hooked up with Sinatra? 1.00

01:39:41.000 He was slinging dick. 1.00

01:39:43.000 Okay. 1.00

01:39:44.000 Oh! 0.60

01:39:45.000 He's out there with the boys, Dino.

01:39:49.000 Sammy D! How much did he crush back in the day?

01:39:52.000 Oh, Frank.

01:39:53.000 Sinatra?

01:39:54.000 He would have crushed me.

01:39:55.000 Whoa, easy over here.

01:39:57.000 That's fine.

01:39:57.000 I'd be like, it's the commissioner!

01:39:59.000 Fucking do him! 0.99

01:39:59.000 You guys have a list? 0.99

01:40:00.000 Chairman of the board.

01:40:01.000 Sinatra, dead guys.

01:40:03.000 Dead guy.

01:40:03.000 Everyone dead.

01:40:04.000 Puerto Ricans, everyone dead. 1.00

01:40:06.000 Look at him. 1.00

01:40:07.000 Just shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:40:08.000 Oh, he's so handsome! 1.00

01:40:09.000 Look at him.

01:40:09.000 That is Frank Sinatra's kid.

01:40:11.000 Totes.

01:40:12.000 Period.

01:40:12.000 There's no Woody Allen in that.

01:40:13.000 Look at that sexy bastard. 0.99

01:40:15.000 He's gorgeous. 1.00

01:40:16.000 Yeah.

01:40:16.000 How they've blocked the director out of their lives.

01:40:19.000 Gee, I wonder why.

01:40:20.000 Handsome.

01:40:20.000 Seems like you just want to leave him around with your kids.

01:40:23.000 Especially once your kids became like 16, 17. An Asian. 1.00

01:40:26.000 Flowery. 0.60

01:40:28.000 I just want to touch her with my tongue. 0.86

01:40:30.000 I wanted to lick the oils off of the painting. 0.99

01:40:33.000 Yeah.

01:40:33.000 Yeah, he's, like, in that video of him doing stand-up, he's, like, so relishing in his perversions.

01:40:38.000 Yeah.

01:40:38.000 And he also seems, like, really satisfied with himself.

01:40:41.000 Very.

01:40:42.000 It's weird.

01:40:42.000 Do you know he started so young?

01:40:44.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:40:45.000 Oh, he's so cute. 0.99

01:40:46.000 That kid is Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra. 1.00

01:40:49.000 I mean, that is, there is no Woody Allen in that motherfucker at all. 0.99

01:40:52.000 No. 0.98

01:40:53.000 Woody Allen started his career, Woody Allen started doing comedy, like writing as a comedy writer.

01:40:59.000 He dropped out of college at like the age of 20. He studied philosophy.

01:41:02.000 And then he became a comedy writer.

01:41:04.000 Like dudes like him have just been grandfathered into showbiz.

01:41:07.000 Like I was watching a documentary on Johnny Carson.

01:41:09.000 Like do you realize that Carson's been on television since television was invented?

01:41:14.000 Like in the Midwest there was one TV station.

01:41:17.000 Carson was on that from the time he was like 18 years old.

01:41:20.000 And then he's like, one day I got a call from NBC. And they were like, do you want a TV show?

01:41:25.000 What's TV? Okay.

01:41:26.000 And he's been on it since the very beginning.

01:41:28.000 He was on it, rather.

01:41:29.000 He's dead now, obviously. 1.00

01:41:31.000 He was a real antisocial piece of shit at home. 1.00

01:41:34.000 Like, he totally ignored his wife and kids. 1.00

01:41:36.000 Like, he would come home and just sleep on the couch and be like, fuck off! 1.00

01:41:40.000 Did you hear it? 1.00

01:41:40.000 But he was so friendly out in the real world. 1.00

01:41:43.000 Yeah.

01:41:43.000 Like, out in front of the camera.

01:41:45.000 Do you think that maybe he just was overwhelmed by all the people that talked?

01:41:50.000 He was constantly seeing giant crowds of people and everybody, wherever he went, he was like getting interviewed and people were coming up to him and...

01:41:59.000 That and I know that he had a very disapproving mother that his mother was like, he got the Tonight Show or something and his mom was like, eh, big deal. 0.99

01:42:08.000 Like, you still suck. 0.99

01:42:09.000 You're still not funny. 1.00

01:42:10.000 So I think there was some of that always wanting mom's approval, that hamster wheel. 0.96

01:42:15.000 But that's even less reasonable then because when I see people like that, they know what it's like to have shitty parents and they don't pay attention to their own kids. 0.97

01:42:22.000 Right. 1.00

01:42:23.000 For you to perpetrate the same stupid shit that you went through because you're too dumb to figure out what fucked you up? 1.00

01:42:29.000 Isn't that what we talked about at the beginning of this show, how if you're not cognizant of what decisions you're making, if you don't know how to think, then your whole life is in shambles around you. 1.00

01:42:39.000 Did you hear about Johnny Carson's book that just came out?

01:42:42.000 And it talks about him and his ex-wife.

01:42:48.000 Yeah.

01:42:52.000 Yeah.

01:43:07.000 And had a gun in his pocket and he like...

01:43:09.000 This is all allegedly though, right?

01:43:10.000 None of this was like...

01:43:11.000 No, this is all really true.

01:43:14.000 But how do you know?

01:43:15.000 Because his friends were there and they're like Ed McMahon and stuff like that.

01:43:20.000 And so Ed McMahon and him all went to a bar later that night and just got wasted.

01:43:25.000 And then I guess Johnny Carson took a girl home that night from the bar.

01:43:29.000 I'm Johnny Carson.

01:43:30.000 Yeah, I don't know, man.

01:43:33.000 That sounds like a lot of gossipy nonsense. 0.96

01:43:35.000 May or may not have happened type shit, but the guy obviously lived in a different era. 0.97

01:43:41.000 Being famous before him, being that famous on TV, didn't exist. 0.86

01:43:45.000 And that sort of intimacy, what I was going to point out, is that that intimacy of being in front of the camera every night like that...

01:43:52.000 Decades.

01:43:52.000 It's incredibly unusual.

01:43:54.000 Yeah.

01:43:54.000 And so like everywhere he went, I guarantee you people just wanted to be around him and thought that he was a part of their family.

01:43:59.000 Sure.

01:44:00.000 Wanted to talk to him and grab him. 0.99

01:44:02.000 And he's probably like, leave me the fuck alone. 0.99

01:44:04.000 Sure. 0.99

01:44:04.000 You know, Jesus Christ. 0.99

01:44:05.000 And so that's probably when he went home.

01:44:07.000 He probably had nothing left for his wife and kids.

01:44:09.000 Yeah.

01:44:09.000 Absolutely.

01:44:10.000 And then he might have married a cunt and his kids might have been shitheads. 1.00

01:44:12.000 I mean, I don't know what the fuck happened. 1.00

01:44:14.000 Guy lost a lot of money. 0.99

01:44:15.000 Who knows?

01:44:16.000 Yeah.

01:44:16.000 Guy lost a lot.

01:44:17.000 Don't put that up, Ryan.

01:44:18.000 He had a few wives. 1.00

01:44:19.000 Guy lost a lot of fucking money. 1.00

01:44:21.000 Yes. 1.00

01:44:22.000 Big time.

01:44:22.000 Divorces will get you, right?

01:44:23.000 Nine figures, I think.

01:44:24.000 His divorce was one of the things that Eddie Murphy talked about on stage in Raw.

01:44:29.000 Remember that?

01:44:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:44:30.000 His divorce was so bad that Eddie Murphy talked about it on stage.

01:44:35.000 It's bananas.

01:44:35.000 You know?

01:44:36.000 Yeah.

01:44:37.000 Half.

01:44:37.000 He took some hits.

01:44:39.000 You know, and who knows?

01:44:41.000 Who knows what kind of a woman he married? 0.99

01:44:44.000 Who knows?

01:44:44.000 Yeah, who knows?

01:44:45.000 She might have been a sweetheart. 0.99

01:44:46.000 I don't know.

01:44:47.000 Who knows?

01:44:47.000 His sons were like, yeah, we only went on vacation once, and dad ignored us, and you're like, oh my god.

01:44:54.000 It sucks. 0.78

01:44:54.000 And here you think, oh, you must be so great. 0.78

01:44:56.000 Johnny Carson's your dad.

01:44:58.000 You know, you just think.

01:44:59.000 I don't know.

01:45:01.000 I idealize those things, you know?

01:45:03.000 One of the weirdest things must be, like, be the son of a movie star.

01:45:06.000 Yeah, right?

01:45:07.000 Especially back in those days.

01:45:08.000 Oh, yeah.

01:45:09.000 I don't know.

01:45:10.000 I saw something about Steve McQueen.

01:45:11.000 They were honoring Steve McQueen.

01:45:12.000 They had Steve McQueen's son.

01:45:14.000 Steve McQueen's son's wearing sunglasses.

01:45:16.000 They're interviewing him and he's wearing sunglasses and he's inside.

01:45:19.000 Which is always like, what are you doing? 0.99

01:45:20.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00

01:45:22.000 Unless you have a medical condition. 1.00

01:45:24.000 Why do you have sunglasses on?

01:45:25.000 It's just weird.

01:45:27.000 No matter how big a star you are, too. 0.99

01:45:29.000 Unless you're black. 1.00

01:45:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:45:31.000 Black guys can pull it off. 0.99

01:45:32.000 They can. 0.94

01:45:33.000 They just can.

01:45:34.000 I don't know why.

01:45:35.000 Purple and orange, too.

01:45:36.000 They can pull off everything, yeah.

01:45:37.000 Well, they can definitely pull off wearing sunglasses.

01:45:39.000 Yeah.

01:45:40.000 You're right.

01:45:41.000 And those suit colors.

01:45:43.000 Why can they do it?

01:45:44.000 I don't know.

01:45:44.000 I was just saying they're so strong.

01:45:46.000 They're so physically imposing.

01:45:50.000 Tommy, that's actually quite racist to say that.

01:45:53.000 Yes.

01:45:54.000 Even though it's true?

01:45:55.000 I support it 100%.

01:45:57.000 I back my thought on that. 0.99

01:45:59.000 It's also racist to imply they have big dicks. 0.99

01:46:01.000 It's also racist to imply that they like chicken and watermelon. 1.00

01:46:05.000 That's kind of fucked up because both chicken and watermelon are delicious and having a big dick is a good thing. 1.00

01:46:09.000 Awesome. 1.00

01:46:09.000 And so is being really good at sports and physically strong. 1.00

01:46:12.000 So why is it that it's a problem?

01:46:14.000 I think the people that really take issue with that are always taking issue with the fact that The implication and that what some people are getting from that is that that's the only thing that somebody black is good at or something that you can be impressed with is that they're, 0.99

01:46:30.000 you know, the great entertainer or the big dick guy or they jump fucking through the roof. 0.99

01:46:35.000 And you go, no, that's not true. 0.99

01:46:38.000 I'm not saying it's the only thing. 1.00

01:46:39.000 I'm saying that's what I enjoy the most about those black guys is that that guy can jump through the fucking roof. 1.00

01:46:45.000 That's what you enjoy the most about them. 1.00

01:46:47.000 Sure. 0.99

01:46:47.000 What am I getting out of fucking LeBron James? 0.99

01:46:50.000 How much of reality was there to what Jimmy the Greek got in trouble with saying? 0.99

01:46:58.000 Here's the thing, my argument on that.

01:47:00.000 What did he say?

01:47:01.000 Tell people what he said.

01:47:01.000 Jimmy the Greek was calling a game and he said...

01:47:06.000 I think the actual quote was, look at that little monkey go.

01:47:09.000 Oh, I remember the story.

01:47:10.000 And of course, I mean, you say it and you're like, that is unacceptable.

01:47:13.000 But there was basically people were...

01:47:15.000 Well, pull it up.

01:47:16.000 Pull it up.

01:47:16.000 Jimmy the Greek comments that got him fired.

01:47:18.000 It's on YouTube.

01:47:19.000 Yeah.

01:47:20.000 It's apparently...

01:47:21.000 Oh, he's dead.

01:47:22.000 What year did this take place?

01:47:24.000 This had to have been...

01:47:26.000 I want to say...

01:47:27.000 1988. I thought it was earlier.

01:47:28.000 I thought it was early.

01:47:29.000 Was it 88?

01:47:30.000 Yeah, 1988. An embarrassed CBS fired a contrite Jimmy the Greek...

01:47:36.000 Was asking questions about Martin Luther King's birthday and the progress blacks have made in society.

01:47:42.000 This is not what I was talking about.

01:47:43.000 Their CBS Sports commentator Jimmy the Greek Snyder gave his impressions of blacks in coaching in the National Football League.

01:47:49.000 His answers could raise as much controversy as the statements by former Dodgers executive Al Campanis last April on ABC's Nightline news program.

01:47:59.000 Pretty soon they're gonna have to equalize it for the blacks. 0.99

01:48:03.000 For the Greeks, the Jews, and for everybody.

01:48:05.000 I mean, let's make it equal for everybody.

01:48:08.000 And is it equal?

01:48:10.000 What about in sports?

01:48:11.000 Well, they've got everything.

01:48:13.000 If they take over coaching like everybody wants them to, there's not going to be anything left for the white people. 0.97

01:48:18.000 I mean, all the players are black. 0.96

01:48:20.000 I mean, the only thing that the whites control is the coaching jobs. 0.98

01:48:23.000 Now, I'm not being derogatory about it, but that's all that's left for them.

01:48:27.000 The black talent is beautiful.

01:48:29.000 It's great.

01:48:29.000 It's out there.

01:48:31.000 The only thing left for the whites is a couple coaching jobs. 0.95

01:48:34.000 Maybe we need to get more black coaches, wouldn't we? 0.99

01:48:36.000 Oh, it's all right with me.

01:48:37.000 I'm sure that they'll take over that pretty soon, too.

01:48:40.000 Wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with that.

01:48:42.000 I'm talking about his in-game comment.

01:48:44.000 Isn't there a comment?

01:48:45.000 He got fired for that?

01:48:46.000 No, no.

01:48:47.000 No, that doesn't seem right.

01:48:49.000 I think there's probably another video.

01:48:51.000 There's an in-game, he's calling a game, and there's a guy, I don't know.

01:48:57.000 That's what I thought.

01:48:58.000 Well, he was saying something about their butts being higher and their legs being longer. 0.90

01:49:04.000 Remember that?

01:49:05.000 I actually, no.

01:49:07.000 For me, I don't remember it happening.

01:49:09.000 I remember learning about it, and I thought it was the game comment that got him the most in trouble.

01:49:16.000 I mean, obviously, he could have gotten in trouble, obviously, for what he said there.

01:49:20.000 Yeah, but why would he get in trouble for what he said there?

01:49:22.000 Well, I think the implication...

01:49:27.000 No, that's Brett Musburger's commentary on him getting fired.

01:49:33.000 That's not it.

01:49:35.000 Because, well... 0.93

01:49:39.000 That's kind of attached to the idea that black guys couldn't be quarterbacks. 0.87

01:49:43.000 They could play every other position. 0.93

01:49:44.000 Wait a minute.

01:49:44.000 He didn't say that, though.

01:49:45.000 No, no, no.

01:49:46.000 I'm saying it's connected to the same point of view, which was that quarterbacks had to be smart, and then coaching is thought of as the total mental thing.

01:49:56.000 That's not what he was saying, though.

01:49:57.000 He was saying that black guys are taking over every spot. 0.63

01:50:00.000 They were saying that black guys are going to be every player, and they're eventually going to take over coaching, too. 0.97

01:50:05.000 He said they were eventually going to take over coaching, too.

01:50:07.000 He's very specific.

01:50:10.000 And if they did, there'd be nothing left for the whites to do. 0.93

01:50:12.000 Yeah.

01:50:12.000 I mean, he's being honest.

01:50:14.000 I mean, look, it's not saying that white guys can't do it, but he's saying that the majority of the people are...

01:50:19.000 Hey, guys. 0.98

01:50:21.000 The majority of the people are going to be black. 0.99

01:50:24.000 That's what he's saying. 0.99

01:50:25.000 That they're dominating.

01:50:26.000 He's right.

01:50:27.000 He is right.

01:50:27.000 So how is that controversial?

01:50:29.000 Well, I suppose they also said during the slave period, the slave owner would breed the big black.

01:50:33.000 That's not that time.

01:50:35.000 But what I'm saying is that time right there.

01:50:37.000 Nothing he said was controversial.

01:50:38.000 That was the thing that was controversial.

01:50:40.000 And that's what I was going to ask you about.

01:50:42.000 When I said...

01:50:43.000 Do you think that what he said has merit?

01:50:46.000 That they bred people to be the largest slaves?

01:50:50.000 Definitely.

01:50:50.000 They definitely did that.

01:50:51.000 Is that been proven?

01:50:53.000 I think that that definitely happened, and I think you definitely see the results of that in today's population in some way.

01:51:03.000 There's no way you can look at some of the African American, the black population... 1.00

01:51:11.000 And not actually think that there's some validity to like super breeding having taken place.

01:51:18.000 Like there's...

01:51:19.000 I think there's a disproportionate amount of...

01:51:23.000 Unbelievably athletic, huge black athletes. 1.00

01:51:28.000 You think the Asians were bred small then? 0.78

01:51:30.000 No.

01:51:31.000 But they weren't slaves over here.

01:51:33.000 It's disproportionate.

01:51:34.000 But if you look at England, and that's a population that's been bred in, [... 0.54

01:51:40.000 Yeah.

01:51:40.000 And they're very tasty.

01:51:43.000 Yeah.

01:51:43.000 Well, that's also the weather they're dealing with.

01:51:45.000 They're pasty because there's no sun.

01:51:47.000 No sun.

01:51:47.000 They've been there for thousands of years.

01:51:49.000 Yeah.

01:51:50.000 And that's a really involved situation.

01:51:52.000 Those people have been there a long-ass time.

01:51:55.000 The problem with that slavery thing, or saying that slaves created great athletes, is that white people said it before, and it was always a problem.

01:52:05.000 But then in...

01:52:06.000 In recent years, and I think the last person to say it was Michael Johnson, the last prominent black guy to say it, our former Olympic gold medalist, he was like, yeah, absolutely, that's a valid point of view to take.

01:52:19.000 Yeah.

01:52:20.000 That we have some super athletic gene in some of us.

01:52:24.000 Yeah, well, if you were going to own slaves, too, it only makes sense.

01:52:28.000 People who own dogs do that.

01:52:29.000 People who own roosters, fighting roosters, they do that, too.

01:52:34.000 They beat the best with the best.

01:52:35.000 You've been doing that forever.

01:52:36.000 You can't look at it from whether it's humanitarian or politically correct to say.

01:52:41.000 You look at it like, well, imagine you're trying to get production out of humans, and you see one that's really built and strong, and you see another, and you go, you two, you're going to make kids.

01:52:52.000 Yeah, it's empirically...

01:52:53.000 Sure.

01:52:53.000 And why wouldn't those genes then be passed on for generations?

01:52:57.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:52:57.000 I mean, it seems like it makes sense to me.

01:52:59.000 I don't have proof of it.

01:53:00.000 It's intuitive to me, too. 0.90

01:53:01.000 Slave genes myth must die.

01:53:04.000 Michael Johnson links African-American sprinters to slavery and revisits a particularly ugly pseudoscience. 0.56

01:53:13.000 But why is that so ugly?

01:53:15.000 Particularly ugly. 0.87

01:53:16.000 As a historian, I find to be stunning about what he said the claim of supremacy of black athletes in track had never seen Not ugly.

01:53:49.000 Two from Trinidad, African Americans Walter Dix and Doc Patton, and Dutch sprinter Charande Martina, who hails from Cura Curacao, rounded out the line.

01:54:00.000 Racial assumptions don't work easily, as simply noting that four years ago, all eight finalists in the quest to be the world's fastest men likely had ancestors who were slaves, because race is, well, never simple. 0.99

01:54:12.000 What the fuck is that?

01:54:13.000 But rather works as an ambionic This guy, 0.99

01:54:29.000 whoever wrote this, is an intellectual dodo.

01:54:32.000 Oh, it's a woman. 0.97

01:54:33.000 It's a woman.

01:54:34.000 That's a dodo statement.

01:54:35.000 That's a statement where you're just not being honest about something and you're trying to be massively politically correct despite of the preponderance of information.

01:54:42.000 And you don't follow sports.

01:54:43.000 If you wrote that, you don't follow.

01:54:45.000 You don't know what's going on in major sports.

01:54:47.000 Do you think it's a black woman or a white woman who wrote that?

01:54:49.000 White woman. 1.00

01:54:50.000 You think so?

01:54:50.000 I think so.

01:54:51.000 She's so afraid of political incorrectness.

01:54:54.000 Just like the white woman that gets offended for everybody else at the show. 1.00

01:54:59.000 Oh, the righteous indignation. 0.96

01:55:00.000 That was racist.

01:55:02.000 Isn't that fascinating?

01:55:03.000 How dare you say that?

01:55:04.000 They'll say that to you about whatever.

01:55:07.000 It could be a Mexican joke. 0.95

01:55:08.000 Of course.

01:55:09.000 Liberal.

01:55:10.000 They'll say that about a Mexican joke and there'll be a Mexican guy high-fiving you. 0.99

01:55:15.000 He's like, that's just true.

01:55:16.000 And she's like, that is not acceptable. 0.96

01:55:18.000 White people are the racial police for everybody else, don't you know? 1.00

01:55:21.000 Yeah, well, there's a lot of white... 1.00

01:55:23.000 I mean, white guilt is as real as fuck. 1.00

01:55:26.000 Yes. 1.00

01:55:27.000 The white guilt is so real.

01:55:29.000 Oh, totally. 0.99

01:55:30.000 And the need to get brownie points from black people is so huge. 0.99

01:55:33.000 I totally do, too.

01:55:34.000 And from other fellow progressives.

01:55:35.000 And I want to say...

01:55:37.000 You do, too?

01:55:37.000 What?

01:55:37.000 I totally...

01:55:38.000 I love black approval. 0.85

01:55:40.000 Like, when a black person... 1.00

01:55:41.000 Tom and I always talk about how good we feel when, like, a black person's like, you're really funny.

01:55:45.000 You're like, oh, my God.

01:55:46.000 Yeah, but that's not meaning that you distort reality in the form of journalism to try to...

01:55:52.000 Negative.

01:55:53.000 Like, what that woman said in that article, like, the way she's saying it, it's like, that's such a nonsense statement.

01:55:59.000 I'm not sure I even understand her immediate anything.

01:56:01.000 I don't even want to understand it.

01:56:02.000 How does it rear its ugly head, first of all? 0.99

01:56:04.000 Saying someone because of slavery is fucking awesome at athletics. 0.99

01:56:08.000 Last time I checked, being awesome at athletics is really good. 0.98

01:56:11.000 Correct, yes.

01:56:12.000 And there have been, for sure, some horrible things that have happened... 0.87

01:56:16.000 Like, for instance, my people, Sicilians, if you look at that whole movie True Romance, I mean, that was the whole scene where Christopher Walken and, uh, what the fuck is his name? 0.81

01:56:27.000 Uh, the dad. 0.99

01:56:29.000 Goddammit. 0.98

01:56:29.000 I know, the dad, he goes, your great-great-grandmother. 0.98

01:56:32.000 The guy from Easy Rider.

01:56:34.000 Yes, whose name I don't remember.

01:56:36.000 Hopkins, Dennis Hopper.

01:56:37.000 Dennis Hopper.

01:56:38.000 Dennis Hopper.

01:56:39.000 That whole eggplant discussion. 0.99

01:56:41.000 It's true, the Moors raped... 0.99

01:56:43.000 All the people. 1.00

01:56:45.000 That's why my people are savages. 0.99

01:56:46.000 That's why they have dark hair. 1.00

01:56:47.000 But I think it's people's inability to grasp reality and the brutality of shit that's actually happened. 0.99

01:56:55.000 It's because it's associated with something ugly. 1.00

01:56:58.000 Slavery was an ugly practice.

01:57:00.000 For sure.

01:57:00.000 And people are so terrified of it.

01:57:02.000 Right.

01:57:03.000 You're connecting something awesome but coming from something ugly with being a part of that ugly thing.

01:57:08.000 Right.

01:57:09.000 And accusing someone of being awesome because of that somehow or another diminishes their accomplishments. 0.60

01:57:15.000 But scientifically and statistically, when you're looking at, again, one-tenth of the population is black.

01:57:21.000 But 90% of the sprinters are black. 0.52

01:57:24.000 Maybe more.

01:57:25.000 Maybe more.

01:57:26.000 That's one where they just completely dominate.

01:57:29.000 How about football players?

01:57:31.000 Football is probably like 65-70%.

01:57:34.000 That's pretty high.

01:57:35.000 And basketball...

01:57:37.000 Basketball is probably 85 to 90%.

01:57:39.000 And boxing.

01:57:40.000 Boxing is like, there's Mexicans and there's a few Filipinos. 0.81

01:57:43.000 A couple Russians. 1.00

01:57:43.000 A couple Russians and this scattered white guy that fucking didn't have a good dad. 1.00

01:57:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:48.000 Other than that, it's a lot of black people. 1.00

01:57:51.000 I mean, it's a really dumb thing to pretend that that's not the case. 0.99

01:57:55.000 Black people in the United States have stopped playing. 0.96

01:57:58.000 There's a lot less interest in the black culture for playing baseball, but not in Latin America. 0.84

01:58:04.000 And guess what? 1.00

01:58:05.000 Fucking black Latinos. 1.00

01:58:08.000 Incredibly dominant baseball players, because that's the major sport. 1.00

01:58:12.000 Soccer.

01:58:13.000 I mean, you look at black... 1.00

01:58:15.000 A ton of black people that are Brazilian. 1.00

01:58:16.000 Pele, bitch. 1.00

01:58:17.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:58:18.000 Come on, son.

01:58:19.000 How about MMA fighters from Brazil? 0.92

01:58:21.000 There's a shitload of black MMA fighters from Brazil. 0.93

01:58:24.000 Yep. 0.55

01:58:24.000 That are excellent. 0.55

01:58:25.000 Even golf.

01:58:26.000 Yeah, there's that one...

01:58:27.000 Hello?

01:58:28.000 That one guy's pretty good.

01:58:29.000 The one guy dominates that whole thing, right?

01:58:30.000 That one guy's not doing so good anymore.

01:58:33.000 Yeah, he's not, but he's still...

01:58:34.000 He just got crushed by the media.

01:58:36.000 He still...

01:58:37.000 Yes, he did.

01:58:37.000 Racked his confidence.

01:58:38.000 Wasn't that the best?

01:58:40.000 We were just talking about...

01:58:41.000 The best?

01:58:41.000 You liked it?

01:58:42.000 How crazy that scandal was.

01:58:43.000 I did, because at the time I was a writer on Chelsea lately, so it was like...

01:58:46.000 It was a windfall.

01:58:48.000 Yeah, it was like manna from the...

01:58:49.000 Yeah, that's a...

01:58:51.000 Whatever tabloid gods. 0.98

01:58:52.000 But it was so crazy that the guy, the nerdy golf player, was pulling so much puss. 0.97

01:58:58.000 I honestly think they all are. 0.97

01:59:00.000 Yes, probably.

01:59:01.000 I think they're men.

01:59:04.000 They're rich, famous athletes.

01:59:08.000 Those guys are so baller.

01:59:10.000 The amount of money that those big-time pro golfers make, even a person that is doing well can't relate to the amount of money that Tiger Woods has made.

01:59:19.000 Tiger Woods has made a billion dollars off knocking a ball into a hole in the dirt.

01:59:24.000 I don't think anybody can ever understand the appeal of a million dollars on a bimbo. 1.00

01:59:30.000 A billion is off the charts. 1.00

01:59:33.000 A guy who makes billions, knocking ball, and just likes to sling dick... 1.00

01:59:38.000 So great. 1.00

01:59:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:59:40.000 The way I described it, I said that he looked like a really unfortunate looking but wildly successful man who was attacked by sluts. 1.00

01:59:48.000 Right. 0.94

01:59:49.000 If he...

01:59:50.000 Right. 1.00

01:59:50.000 If sluts were fleas, he would need a collar. 1.00

01:59:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:59:53.000 And I'm not slut shaming, by the way.

01:59:55.000 No, no. 0.99

01:59:55.000 No, that was very pro-sex of you, though. 0.99

01:59:57.000 They should be able to do whatever they want to do.

01:59:59.000 But just as a story...

02:00:01.000 It's a bad word, maybe. 0.99

02:00:02.000 Slut. 1.00

02:00:02.000 Take it away. 1.00

02:00:03.000 Oh.

02:00:04.000 You know what though?

02:00:05.000 Free girl?

02:00:06.000 I'm kind of opposed to gold digging though.

02:00:08.000 Opposed to it?

02:00:09.000 I don't like it.

02:00:10.000 As a woman, I want us to be better.

02:00:13.000 I'd like us to be contributors to society.

02:00:16.000 I'd like us to win Nobel Prizes and not take rich guys' money for sex.

02:00:21.000 Well, for sure there's a lot of men out there that are taking someone's money too. 0.97

02:00:25.000 There's gold diggers that are men. 0.97

02:00:27.000 I know gold diggers that are men that have wives that are rich and famous. 1.00

02:00:31.000 They don't do shit. 0.99

02:00:32.000 Not famous, rather, but rich and successful, I should say. 1.00

02:00:34.000 Yeah, it is disproportionate, but weak people are weak people everywhere you go.

02:00:39.000 There's always someone who wants someone to take care of them.

02:00:41.000 There's sons of rich men.

02:00:43.000 Are oftentimes just as bad as a gold digger.

02:00:46.000 Like having no desire to achieve or perform anything.

02:00:51.000 A delusional perception of reality.

02:00:53.000 You know, a delusional idea of what their own value is.

02:00:57.000 Because they don't really contribute.

02:00:58.000 They just were given a free ride.

02:01:00.000 So they never developed a character.

02:01:01.000 And unbelievably privileged.

02:01:03.000 Like a really nice free ride.

02:01:05.000 Where they feel very entitled to everything.

02:01:07.000 Much like when I said, you know, that you can't ever say that comics can't.

02:01:11.000 Have a successful relationship because you guys can do it.

02:01:14.000 You can never say that...

02:01:16.000 You can't say that...

02:01:18.000 There's always going to be a group of people in any gender, whether it's transgender, whether it's gay.

02:01:26.000 There's always going to be a group of people that just fail.

02:01:28.000 There's going to be a group of women that fail, a group of men that fail.

02:01:31.000 There's going to be people that just don't get their shit together, don't ever self-actualize, don't ever pursue their dreams, don't ever get involved in anything they truly love. 0.97

02:01:38.000 It's going to happen. 0.98

02:01:40.000 But there's always going to be people that do.

02:01:41.000 There always have been.

02:01:42.000 From Amelia Earhart to fill in the blank.

02:01:46.000 All throughout history.

02:01:47.000 There's always been women that have figured out a way to achieve and do things that they really truly enjoy doing. 0.99

02:01:53.000 Like our flight attendant.

02:01:54.000 Oh no!

02:01:55.000 Stop now! 0.96

02:01:57.000 Stop! 1.00

02:01:58.000 The hijacker?

02:01:59.000 I heard it.

02:02:00.000 We got hijacked for the longest time I've ever been hijacked as an adult.

02:02:07.000 Tommy and I were having a fun little conversation and we ordered a little glass of wine because we're gentlemen and we're on a business trip.

02:02:14.000 We decided to have a little wine and we're sitting there and the woman came over and she made a joke.

02:02:20.000 About the temperature of the wine.

02:02:22.000 And I made the mistake of going, um, is it like you're apologizing and it's too cold?

02:02:27.000 That's funny.

02:02:27.000 I've never heard anybody apologize that wine is too cold.

02:02:30.000 She goes, oh, well, if you remember the scene from Sideways.

02:02:32.000 See, I've never really been much into wine.

02:02:34.000 The only time I drink wine is in church.

02:02:35.000 But there's a funny thing about wine.

02:02:38.000 I knew a guy, and the guy was a wine connoisseur.

02:02:41.000 And they brought him a bottle of wine and said, should we put this in the refrigerator?

02:02:46.000 Don't you touch it and put it in the refrigerator.

02:02:48.000 Don't you put a hand on that wine and bring it in the refrigerator. 1.00

02:02:51.000 I thought it was so funny, but of course I don't drink.

02:02:53.000 The only time I drink is a drink.

02:02:54.000 And it went on and on and on.

02:03:00.000 Yes.

02:03:01.000 To the point where I was lucky because I was in the window.

02:03:03.000 So I just abandoned Tommy.

02:03:05.000 I lifted up the window and I put my face to the glass.

02:03:11.000 Then I reached into my laptop bag and I pulled out my notepad and I started writing down.

02:03:16.000 And I wrote in my notepad... 0.99

02:03:18.000 That flight attendant won't shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:03:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:03:20.000 I wrote that in my notepad. 0.99

02:03:22.000 I started writing it in front of her, too.

02:03:24.000 Did you?

02:03:25.000 Yes.

02:03:26.000 Well, first of all, when she came over, she goes, do you want something to drink?

02:03:29.000 I said, yeah.

02:03:31.000 Do you have Pinot Noir?

02:03:32.000 Which is not that crazy to say.

02:03:33.000 Sometimes they go, no, we have cab.

02:03:35.000 Stewardess. 0.99

02:03:36.000 Yeah, won't shut the fuck up. 0.99

02:03:38.000 Oh, that's crazy. 0.99

02:03:38.000 Great. 0.99

02:03:39.000 I was like, this has to be addressed.

02:03:40.000 When I said, do you have Pinot Noir?

02:03:43.000 She goes, excuse me?

02:03:45.000 And I go, Pinot Noir?

02:03:46.000 She goes, do you think you're in Lyon, France?

02:03:49.000 Yeah.

02:03:49.000 And I was like, no.

02:03:50.000 It's not even fancy.

02:03:52.000 Yeah, it's not crazy.

02:03:53.000 And she was like, we got red or white?

02:03:55.000 And I was like, alright, red.

02:03:56.000 And then when she came back, it was...

02:04:00.000 Sideways.

02:04:01.000 It was the sommelier at Macy's who, when I worked at the hospital, they brought him the wine and he said, should I chill this?

02:04:08.000 And he was like, should I chill this?

02:04:10.000 And we're talking about the most boring sentences.

02:04:14.000 Oh yeah.

02:04:15.000 These were incredibly boring sentences.

02:04:17.000 The worst.

02:04:18.000 Oh God.

02:04:19.000 When she left. 0.99

02:04:21.000 When she left, we go like, what the fuck was that? 0.97

02:04:25.000 She left, she came back, and I just looked up, she goes, did you ever see the movie Simon? 0.99

02:04:32.000 And I was like, uh-uh.

02:04:33.000 She was like, my favorite scene in that is a wine scene. 0.97

02:04:36.000 And I was like...

02:04:38.000 Alright.

02:04:38.000 And this is when I zoned out.

02:04:40.000 She was like, Bruce Willis and whatever actor.

02:04:43.000 And she was like, and they knocked over at all the wine fall. 0.99

02:04:45.000 I thought it was a great scene.

02:04:46.000 And I was like, yeah.

02:04:46.000 She wouldn't stop.

02:04:47.000 And you know what's really fascinating?

02:04:49.000 Before this happened, Tommy nailed her personality.

02:04:53.000 Because we may or may not have had before we got on that plane.

02:05:01.000 And so we were, it was just starting to kick in in mid-flight.

02:05:04.000 And he goes, you know what I think?

02:05:06.000 I think that they put her on this small plane because she can't work well with others. 0.98

02:05:11.000 Oh, right.

02:05:11.000 And that the other students don't like working with her.

02:05:14.000 So they stick her on these small planes because she doesn't want to be around anybody.

02:05:17.000 She's probably been doing this a long time.

02:05:19.000 And they know she doesn't work well with others. 1.00

02:05:21.000 And then she came over and just right away gave us the ferocious ear beating. 1.00

02:05:26.000 And I was like, she's right.

02:05:28.000 The ear beating.

02:05:28.000 Yes, it was an ear beating.

02:05:31.000 She gave us an ear beating on shutting off the phones, too.

02:05:35.000 Held up her phone.

02:05:36.000 I pressed this button.

02:05:38.000 We didn't have our phones on.

02:05:39.000 It's not like we were resisting.

02:05:40.000 We shut our phones off, but she did it for the whole thing.

02:05:43.000 This is what I want you to do.

02:05:45.000 You see this button, I want you to press this button.

02:05:48.000 Not in airplane mode, folks.

02:05:50.000 Not in airplane mode.

02:05:51.000 I want you to shut this button.

02:05:52.000 If you have an iPhone...

02:05:53.000 I want you to slide that over that says shut it off.

02:05:56.000 And I mean, she's going on and on and on. 0.80

02:05:58.000 It's taking a long ass time.

02:06:00.000 And if you wanted to read a book or if you wanted to listen to your iPod, that's not happening. 0.96

02:06:06.000 No, you're dealing with this nonsense.

02:06:08.000 You're dealing with it.

02:06:09.000 And you can't even fight against that nonsense because if you argue at all about anything, they kick you off the plane.

02:06:15.000 She's got the power. 0.90

02:06:16.000 It's over.

02:06:16.000 I had a friend get kicked off the plane because he was upset that they didn't find a seat for his son next to him.

02:06:22.000 They didn't find anybody that was willing to move.

02:06:24.000 It was an hour and a half flight from San Francisco to Seattle.

02:06:27.000 It's a quick-ass flight.

02:06:28.000 And he said, is it possible?

02:06:31.000 She was like, sir, we've tried.

02:06:33.000 There's nothing we can do.

02:06:34.000 He goes, I have a five-year-old, though.

02:06:36.000 Why did you guys sell me a ticket?

02:06:37.000 I told you who's five years old.

02:06:39.000 You can't have a five-year-old sit by himself.

02:06:41.000 He's terrified of flying in the first place.

02:06:43.000 Like, all I'm asking is someone, if you ask if someone could switch seats.

02:06:47.000 And she said, sir, I've tried.

02:06:49.000 There's nothing we can do.

02:06:50.000 Please take your seat.

02:06:51.000 And he was like, you guys are the most unfamily-friendly airline. 0.97

02:06:55.000 Like, you guys are horrible.

02:06:56.000 I can't believe you're doing this. 0.99

02:06:57.000 So that's all he says. 1.00

02:06:58.000 He goes and sits down, and the fucking captain comes up to him. 0.99

02:07:01.000 He says, sir, you're going to have to come off the same. 0.99

02:07:03.000 They say you're aggressive, and you're...

02:07:05.000 And he was like, what?

02:07:06.000 He goes, you must be joking.

02:07:08.000 He goes, all I asked is if they could find a seat for my son.

02:07:11.000 I didn't use profanity.

02:07:12.000 I didn't raise my voice.

02:07:14.000 I said, you guys are the most unfamily-friendly airline that I've ever seen.

02:07:18.000 That's all I said, because you weren't even willing to look for someone.

02:07:22.000 And they kicked him off the plane.

02:07:23.000 And he was like, I can't believe this.

02:07:25.000 He goes, I'm not aggressive.

02:07:26.000 But we saw that.

02:07:27.000 Was it you and I that saw that?

02:07:29.000 Who did we see?

02:07:30.000 Were we on a plane?

02:07:31.000 We saw two guys arguing about the bin.

02:07:35.000 I don't know.

02:07:36.000 Are you with me on that one?

02:07:37.000 I don't think.

02:07:37.000 I've seen two people kicked off planes.

02:07:39.000 Might have been Ari.

02:07:39.000 I've seen a lady get kicked off for having attitude about her whole day.

02:07:44.000 She was like, you put me later on this shit, and now I'm here, and fuck it, and she was just complaining, complaining, complaining, and she was, I think, aggressive speaking to them. 1.00

02:07:52.000 Boom. 1.00

02:07:53.000 Boot.

02:07:53.000 And I saw one who got kicked her whole family off, and she had small children.

02:08:00.000 She was breastfeeding one of them, and they were like, We're going to taxi now and you need to... 1.00

02:08:05.000 Why'd she get kicked off? 0.82

02:08:07.000 She gave the lady attitude about... 1.00

02:08:09.000 The flight attendant attitude when the flight attendant asked her...

02:08:13.000 I don't know if she asked her to stop breastfeeding while we were going to taxi. 1.00

02:08:17.000 Oh, come on. 0.87

02:08:18.000 But she told her, like, you know, why don't you just worry about the drinks while I'm breastfeeding?

02:08:23.000 And they were like, uh-uh.

02:08:25.000 And then we stopped...

02:08:26.000 And actually, that one, they had police come out to the...

02:08:29.000 They didn't even go back.

02:08:31.000 The police came out, they opened the door.

02:08:33.000 So you think they just get off on the power?

02:08:35.000 Absolutely.

02:08:36.000 I think sometimes they absolutely...

02:08:41.000 Want to protect themselves, and they have to.

02:08:44.000 You can't have somebody who's an actual threat to the flight.

02:08:48.000 But I think there's definitely a thrill in knowing that if somebody gives you kind of a little jab, kind of a little attitude, you can be like, I could fuck up your day right now pretty badly.

02:08:58.000 And I can justify it.

02:08:59.000 And we were talking about that, that this ability to hijack you is kind of the same thing.

02:09:04.000 Because in a normal scenario, you don't have to listen to this person. 0.99

02:09:08.000 You're not stuck in a chair, literally strapped in with a fucking belt. 1.00

02:09:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:13.000 You have to listen.

02:09:15.000 Right. 1.00

02:09:15.000 And they can just hover over you and just shit in your face. 1.00

02:09:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:22.000 That's right.

02:09:23.000 Pop your headphones on in your hood, in your glasses.

02:09:26.000 Yeah, but you can't do that in the middle of a conversation where you're having a conversation with another guy and then you're having a wine and then all of a sudden, boom, you're stuck.

02:09:34.000 The glasses.

02:09:35.000 I don't know if you remember, the glasses were these, they were like tasting glasses.

02:09:38.000 They were very small.

02:09:39.000 Very small.

02:09:40.000 And the first time, I had two sips and it was empty.

02:09:45.000 And she goes, do you want a refill?

02:09:46.000 And I go, yeah.

02:09:47.000 And she goes, we had a couple of drinkers up here.

02:09:49.000 I was like, it's kind of like, you know, I can see a certain person, not me personally, but I could see that comment really setting somebody off.

02:09:59.000 The outside implication of like, we got a couple of drunks.

02:10:03.000 I don't want to say any more than that.

02:10:04.000 No, no.

02:10:05.000 No need to say any more than we already said.

02:10:07.000 We already got too cruel.

02:10:08.000 Poor lady. 1.00

02:10:09.000 She's lonely.

02:10:10.000 She wants to talk to people.

02:10:11.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:10:12.000 We're a couple assholes. 1.00

02:10:13.000 That's okay. 1.00

02:10:14.000 You're an asshole. 1.00

02:10:14.000 I'm an asshole. 1.00

02:10:15.000 I feel alright about it. 1.00

02:10:16.000 But don't you think it's an inability to read social cues?

02:10:19.000 Yes.

02:10:20.000 Oh, there's no doubt.

02:10:21.000 She has no doubt.

02:10:22.000 Zero ability.

02:10:22.000 She wasn't good at it.

02:10:23.000 Or she didn't care.

02:10:24.000 She just wanted to talk.

02:10:25.000 Yeah.

02:10:25.000 Who knows?

02:10:26.000 A lot of people, by the way, are a little pilled up and they don't even know that you don't want them to talk to you.

02:10:34.000 Everything's going to be okay, folks. 0.98

02:10:36.000 There's a few of those people that are antidepressant the fuck up.

02:10:40.000 Super duper common. 0.81

02:10:41.000 If you look at the number of prescriptions sold, the number of antidepressant prescriptions that are sold in this country every year, it's...

02:10:51.000 It's staggering.

02:10:52.000 I believe it's like 30 million people.

02:10:55.000 Let's see how many people are on antidepressants.

02:10:57.000 Let's just guess.

02:10:58.000 I'm saying it's about 30 million.

02:10:59.000 Yeah, I think.

02:11:00.000 Remember that book, Prozac Nation?

02:11:02.000 Was that in the 90s?

02:11:03.000 That's when they started it.

02:11:04.000 It's exploded.

02:11:04.000 And everyone was on Prozac then.

02:11:06.000 It's exploded.

02:11:07.000 It's such a huge industry.

02:11:08.000 I know a handful of people.

02:11:09.000 I have a friend on Prozac.

02:11:11.000 Good guy, too.

02:11:12.000 Great guy.

02:11:13.000 Astounding increase in antidepressant use by Americans.

02:11:17.000 A Harvard University study.

02:11:19.000 Harvard Health Publications from Harvard Medical School.

02:11:22.000 Or you could just smoke weed, right?

02:11:24.000 People 12 and over increased by almost 400%.

02:11:29.000 Wow!

02:11:34.000 Between 1988 to 1994 and then from 2005 to 2008. That's incredible.

02:11:44.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:11:45.000 23% of all people on antidepressants are women in their 40s and 50s. 1.00

02:11:50.000 No, no, no.

02:11:51.000 Excuse me.

02:11:52.000 23% of women in their 40s and 50s are on antidepressants.

02:11:56.000 Wow.

02:11:57.000 That's one in four.

02:11:58.000 Yeah.

02:11:59.000 But that makes sense.

02:12:00.000 23%. 1.00

02:12:00.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:12:01.000 You're going through the change of life. 1.00

02:12:03.000 A higher percentage than any other group by age or sex.

02:12:06.000 Just stop and think about that.

02:12:08.000 23% of women in their 40s and 50s are on a pill that keeps them happy.

02:12:13.000 Statistically, there's a really good chance that our flight attendant is one of those people.

02:12:16.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

02:12:18.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:12:19.000 Look, I had a friend that was on it, and one of the things he said to me was that when he was on it, nothing bothered him.

02:12:24.000 He was on Zoloft, and he's like, nothing bothers me.

02:12:27.000 Nothing conveys me.

02:12:29.000 Everything's fine.

02:12:30.000 Nothing bothers me.

02:12:32.000 And those kind of people, they don't see things coming.

02:12:35.000 They're not aware that they're being weird.

02:12:38.000 I wonder what, it would be interesting, obviously it won't happen, but to hear what her version of that dialogue would be.

02:12:45.000 You know what I mean?

02:12:46.000 It's also kind of like, it was great to talk to those guys.

02:12:48.000 So much fun.

02:12:49.000 These two guys were in wine.

02:12:50.000 We had a great conversation.

02:12:51.000 They love me. 0.99

02:12:51.000 They love my fucking anecdotes about sideways. 0.99

02:12:53.000 I'll tell you, I told them the sideways story and... 0.99

02:12:56.000 Never seen two guys have a better time in a flight. 1.00

02:12:59.000 They were pretty on the end of the fucking bottle. 1.00

02:13:03.000 One of them had two drinks, the other one had about five. 0.99

02:13:06.000 Maybe a total of four ounces.

02:13:09.000 They were really little glasses.

02:13:11.000 Sipping glass.

02:13:12.000 Of wine.

02:13:14.000 Okay, we got a couple of drunks in the fourth round. 0.99

02:13:16.000 I don't know if that was what was going on, if she was on antidepressants, but I do know that she wasn't good at reading shit. 0.99

02:13:22.000 Negative, no. 0.99

02:13:23.000 You meet people like that all the time.

02:13:25.000 Yes, I'm related to a few. 0.71

02:13:27.000 So the question is, should she have to completely revamp her life, get her shit together, change her diet, start exercising, start taking care of her health, start applying different philosophies to her life at X years of age, you know, an advanced age? 1.00

02:13:42.000 Or should she just take a fucking pill? 1.00

02:13:44.000 What makes her happier? 1.00

02:13:44.000 Right. 1.00

02:13:45.000 Exactly, yes.

02:13:47.000 Life doesn't live forever.

02:13:50.000 There's definitely an easier path and seems like a little more resistance than another path. 0.99

02:13:56.000 That other path seems like a pain in the dick. 0.99

02:13:58.000 Take one of these. 0.99

02:14:01.000 Less than a third of Americans who are taking a single antidepressant, as opposed to two or more, have seen a mental health professional in the past year.

02:14:10.000 Some people are just taking the pills.

02:14:12.000 I'm fine.

02:14:13.000 That's scary, without any kind of supervision.

02:14:15.000 I'm a mental health professional.

02:14:17.000 Yes.

02:14:17.000 And as are you.

02:14:18.000 You guys provide mental health relief in the form of comedy.

02:14:21.000 That's true.

02:14:22.000 I'm a mental health professional from now on.

02:14:25.000 I feel good about it.

02:14:26.000 I've never done them, but I hear...

02:14:27.000 I think we're distributors of mental health.

02:14:29.000 For sure, yeah.

02:14:30.000 But I hear it can be helpful if you're going through some really depressing time just to kind of allow you to get some distance to get clarity on the issue.

02:14:38.000 I mean, again, I've never...

02:14:40.000 Oh, like a pill can help you?

02:14:41.000 Yeah, like let's say something really tragic like your spouse dies and you can't even go on.

02:14:47.000 I guess it helps to give you some kind of perspective.

02:14:50.000 Well, you know what's one of the best for that?

02:14:52.000 Bless you.

02:14:52.000 Yeah.

02:14:52.000 You know what's the best is ecstasy.

02:14:56.000 Yes.

02:14:56.000 MDMA is incredible for that.

02:14:58.000 For grief?

02:14:59.000 Yep.

02:14:59.000 Really?

02:14:59.000 Grief, for post-traumatic stress.

02:15:01.000 I didn't know that.

02:15:02.000 Yeah.

02:15:02.000 For people with PTSD, for people who've been victimized, for people who have had horrible things happen to them.

02:15:07.000 They say it's an almost immediate and really, like, fulfilled relief.

02:15:13.000 Like, it's not just a temporary relief.

02:15:14.000 It's a relief where you gain perspective on, like, maybe you had a terrible breakup and you take ecstasy.

02:15:21.000 And whatever reason, it allows you to see things in a different way where you forgive.

02:15:26.000 That's interesting.

02:15:27.000 I had no idea.

02:15:28.000 Yeah, it's supposed to be amazing for that. 0.99

02:15:29.000 It's supposed to be amazing for stress, too, for soldiers and shit. 0.99

02:15:33.000 Soldiers coming back from the war with PTSD. That's a huge problem. 0.99

02:15:37.000 Duncan, you know, put it in perspective first.

02:15:39.000 He goes, you think about how many people are over there that are experiencing things that no one here is seeing. 0.99

02:15:43.000 And then they're going to come here, and then they're going to try to integrate in society and get some shitty fucking job. 0.99

02:15:49.000 How? 0.99

02:15:49.000 And try to forget everything they did. 0.99

02:15:51.000 Yeah.

02:15:51.000 Try to forget all the killing.

02:15:54.000 Dude, I went to Afghanistan for two weeks, like, a couple years ago, and just in two weeks, being a spectator to a war, just being a tourist in all of it, was so...

02:16:05.000 You saw me when I came back.

02:16:06.000 I was, like, shell-shocked.

02:16:08.000 I sat on my shrink's couch, like, bawling.

02:16:10.000 You see, you know, you tour the hospitals, and you see little eight-year-old boys who fell into a fire and they're burned, or you see 20-year-old kids who stepped on IEDs and they lose their limbs or their faces are blown off.

02:16:23.000 It's terrible.

02:16:23.000 Yeah.

02:16:24.000 It's really crazy.

02:16:25.000 And I saw a fraction of it, you know what I mean?

02:16:28.000 Yeah.

02:16:28.000 So imagine if you're there doing a tour.

02:16:30.000 Yeah, you're doing it day after day.

02:16:31.000 Oh my God.

02:16:31.000 Years.

02:16:32.000 Bananas.

02:16:32.000 Yeah, I mean, you know, war tour, not like a tour of performing.

02:16:37.000 Well, that's why when that guy went over and he was suffering from PTSD and they wound up just murdering a bunch of people and killed a bunch of civilians.

02:16:47.000 And they were like, this guy had been crying for help.

02:16:49.000 This guy had been talking about his PTSD, trying to get out of the arm, and they sent him over there again.

02:16:54.000 And he just cracked.

02:16:56.000 I mean, literally reached a point where he cracked.

02:16:58.000 And you can only see so much brutality, so much before you lose your perspective.

02:17:03.000 You lose humanity.

02:17:04.000 We don't take care enough.

02:17:06.000 And I'm not excusing what he did by any stretch of the imagination.

02:17:09.000 What I'm saying is, when something like that happens, you've got to wonder, what makes a person capable of doing that?

02:17:16.000 Were they a psycho going in?

02:17:18.000 Or do you make them a psycho?

02:17:20.000 Does their experiences make them a psycho?

02:17:22.000 Does the lack of feeling make them want to do something that shocks them?

02:17:26.000 I mean, do they get to the point where they see so much killing and they've killed so many people that they're not even aware of what's real or what's not?

02:17:33.000 And how medicated are they?

02:17:35.000 Are they medicated?

02:17:36.000 Do we even know? 1.00

02:17:37.000 But that's your job, to kill people. 1.00

02:17:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:17:39.000 That's the crazy part, is they're like, you're getting a paycheck to kill people. 1.00

02:17:44.000 Yeah. 0.81

02:17:44.000 That's a hard thing to wrap your head around as a civilian. 0.81

02:17:47.000 U.S. soldiers, here we go.

02:17:48.000 Oh my life.

02:17:49.000 U.S. soldiers are dangerously over, this is in this article, Natural News, is that a real website?

02:17:57.000 U.S. soldiers dangerously over-medicated with anti-psychotic drugs.

02:18:03.000 Yeah.

02:18:04.000 So apparently there's a lot of them that they have real issues with war, and they give them Prozac.

02:18:12.000 You need somebody, you need to put people in there that, I'm saying like it's not for everybody, you know?

02:18:19.000 Yeah.

02:18:20.000 I think that you should almost, there should almost be a clause where like you can go and be like, I can't do this and they should let you.

02:18:28.000 NBC News, heavily armed and medicated. 0.91

02:18:32.000 That's on fucking Newsweek or NBC News rather. 0.99

02:18:37.000 Wow. 0.99

02:18:38.000 Yeah, those guys, I feel bad for them.

02:18:40.000 Yeah, you should get a card.

02:18:41.000 Like, you get into the military and you go, yo, this isn't for me.

02:18:44.000 Yeah, you should be able to.

02:18:46.000 Here's the deal.

02:18:47.000 It's not for anybody.

02:18:48.000 It's not for anybody, but there's some people that...

02:18:49.000 You know what it is for?

02:18:50.000 It's for psychos and people who think that it's something that it's not.

02:18:54.000 Exactly.

02:18:54.000 And then when they get over there, they realize, oh, I'm not defending my country.

02:18:57.000 I'm working for this... 0.99

02:18:58.000 It's a brutal company that doesn't give a fuck about any people. 0.98

02:19:00.000 It's comprised of people and yet it doesn't care about people. 0.99

02:19:03.000 It just cares about siphoning out money and distributing it to a few people that will never be over here killing people. 0.96

02:19:10.000 That's the weirdest thing of all.

02:19:12.000 When you look at the amount of money that gets siphoned out of war and then injected into the bank accounts of people that don't kill anybody, don't risk any life, don't risk their health for a second. 0.99

02:19:24.000 And they're living like fucking bankers. 0.99

02:19:27.000 They're living like gangsters. 1.00

02:19:29.000 If you look at the people that are making the most money out of war, I mean, it's quite shocking the amount of money that you can extract and never have to kill anybody.

02:19:40.000 That's why there will always be wars forever and ever and ever.

02:19:42.000 I don't know about that, man.

02:19:43.000 I don't know about that.

02:19:44.000 I think it's like you look at those pharmaceutical statistics and you realize that industry, that lobby is too powerful and it's too strong for it to get defeated.

02:19:57.000 That's why those pills will be around.

02:19:59.000 There will be new pills.

02:20:00.000 There will be new drugs.

02:20:01.000 War is such a profitable thing. 1.00

02:20:07.000 I mean, idealistically, obviously, you don't want there to be wars, but I think that there's too much to be gained, unfortunately.

02:20:14.000 I wonder.

02:20:15.000 America, definitely.

02:20:16.000 Definitely.

02:20:17.000 The country, definitely.

02:20:17.000 Definitely.

02:20:18.000 For sure?

02:20:19.000 Yeah.

02:20:20.000 So you think there's no way to fix it?

02:20:21.000 Well, we're so into it.

02:20:22.000 We're so enmeshed in it.

02:20:23.000 Right, but how come we can fix it?

02:20:25.000 How about if we ran the world?

02:20:26.000 If the world consisted of everybody in this room, I'm pretty sure no one's going to kill anybody. 1.00

02:20:30.000 You might get mad at Brian if he fucking takes a picture of his penis over your forehead while you're sleeping or something. 1.00

02:20:36.000 Brian would be the one that would get attacked at the first, I think. 1.00

02:20:40.000 Yeah, he'd get attacked at the first.

02:20:41.000 But I don't think we'd kill him. 0.67

02:20:42.000 No.

02:20:42.000 I wouldn't murder him, no.

02:20:44.000 I would just relegate him to some kind of job where he had no authority. 1.00

02:20:47.000 Sex slave. 1.00

02:20:48.000 If he wasn't hunting. 1.00

02:20:49.000 Sex drunker. 1.00

02:20:50.000 No hunting for Brian. 0.99

02:20:51.000 If he wasn't bringing in his food and he was eating all your food, you'd get a little annoyed.

02:20:55.000 It's like, Brian, you haven't killed one rabbit.

02:20:56.000 I tried.

02:20:57.000 I tried. 1.00

02:20:58.000 I sold my butthole. 1.00

02:21:00.000 She's partying. 1.00

02:21:00.000 I was at Olive Garden with my butthole. 1.00

02:21:02.000 Joe, I see in your future, would you start a society like a compound where everybody hunts their own food and grows their own food? 0.97

02:21:09.000 Well, then they're going to come and get you.

02:21:11.000 Nobody wants anybody to be self-sustaining inside this country.

02:21:15.000 Who's going to get the government will shut down?

02:21:16.000 Yeah, they'll Waco you. 0.94

02:21:17.000 They'll come and Waco you. 0.99

02:21:18.000 Yeah, that's so true.

02:21:19.000 I forgot about that part.

02:21:20.000 You could have a community, but they would infiltrate it.

02:21:23.000 The government would infiltrate it, and then they'd find someone who was selling mushrooms, and then they'd come in and bust it.

02:21:29.000 The idea of someone gaining a stronghold on a group of people with a different ideology, a non-supportive ideology of the thing that's running the country right now, they're not down for that.

02:21:39.000 Very true.

02:21:40.000 It's just natural.

02:21:41.000 It's natural to try to fight that off.

02:21:44.000 Oh, sidebar.

02:21:45.000 Have you seen?

02:21:46.000 Sorry, because I had a thought.

02:21:47.000 I was driving a Downey, like, ages ago.

02:21:51.000 And there was a billboard for the Marines, and it was like, Mexican traditions.

02:21:56.000 Be a good Mexican.

02:21:57.000 Be a Marine.

02:21:58.000 And you're like, whoa, this is so evil. 0.95

02:22:00.000 Hispanic, I think it said, right? 0.94

02:22:01.000 Well, you know. 0.89

02:22:05.000 Wow, that is really sneaky.

02:22:08.000 That's how you appeal to a poor young dude, right?

02:22:11.000 To live up to this ideal of manhood, of perceived...

02:22:15.000 Well, all those commercials, they all appeal to your sense of wanting to be a great, impactful person, to be an adventurer, to be, you know, something, to be a warrior.

02:22:27.000 Yeah.

02:22:27.000 Someone who's noble.

02:22:29.000 When they're that.

02:22:29.000 Stand there and slide that sword in.

02:22:31.000 Yeah, it looks great, though, to an 18-year-old boy when he'd be like, fuck yeah, I want a sword. 0.99

02:22:34.000 It's great to a 45-year-old man who's smart enough to realize why it looks great. 0.98

02:22:38.000 Yeah.

02:22:39.000 Yeah.

02:22:39.000 When you see the propaganda, though, that's so guided towards a group that's not you, is when you realize how much there's propaganda.

02:22:47.000 You don't see it as propaganda when you see it as an act.

02:22:52.000 You're like, oh, this is a thing.

02:22:53.000 But then when you...

02:22:54.000 When it's so, like, geared toward another group, you know, like that banking commercial we saw? 0.93

02:23:00.000 Oh my god, that was ridiculous!

02:23:02.000 And the girl comes home with her check, and she's, like, speaking Spanish and English, you know, and it's like, this is just so, to, like, you know, appeal to the Spanish speaking. 0.91

02:23:12.000 But it's like, it's such a, you know, she's just like...

02:23:14.000 Speak Spanish and English?

02:23:15.000 Right, like, she gets home and she's like, Mina, I got my first check! 0.97

02:23:18.000 No way.

02:23:19.000 And they're like, ay, que linda!

02:23:20.000 She's so happy!

02:23:21.000 And then she's like, look at my check!

02:23:25.000 She takes a picture.

02:23:26.000 She's taking a photo of her check! 0.95

02:23:27.000 She's like, no, I'm making a deposit!

02:23:29.000 And it's just like a Spanish-English conversation.

02:23:31.000 And they eat tacos.

02:23:33.000 Yeah, they're like making...

02:23:34.000 They go to the bank.

02:23:34.000 So they're like, just in case some white people really love Mexicans, we'll throw a few English words in here.

02:23:39.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:23:40.000 Play Kate, you fucking apes. 1.00

02:23:42.000 Totally. 1.00

02:23:43.000 Silly white people. 1.00

02:23:44.000 This is not for you. 1.00

02:23:46.000 This is really supposed to be effective to the person who's Latino, who's like, I don't trust banks, and they're like, this bank's pretty cool.

02:23:54.000 So it's just for a bank?

02:23:56.000 Yeah, it's a major bank, you know.

02:23:58.000 So why is the bank giving you money?

02:24:00.000 What?

02:24:00.000 The bank's giving you a check in the commercial?

02:24:02.000 No, the girls come home from her first, she's got her first paycheck. 1.00

02:24:05.000 Right.

02:24:06.000 And so she's just like, I got my first paycheck.

02:24:07.000 Oh, so she wants to put it in that bank.

02:24:09.000 Right.

02:24:09.000 Because it's the smart one.

02:24:11.000 Yeah.

02:24:12.000 It's the one that's going to take care of your money.

02:24:13.000 Right, man.

02:24:14.000 I say, yeah. 1.00

02:24:15.000 Come on, take care of your shit, yo. 1.00

02:24:17.000 Put your shit in the bank. 1.00

02:24:18.000 Come on, don't be sued. 1.00

02:24:19.000 You got to save your money. 1.00

02:24:20.000 Don't be a fool. 1.00

02:24:21.000 Don't be a fool. 1.00

02:24:22.000 Hey, man, what's calculus? 1.00

02:24:23.000 Yeah, you ever go to a neighborhood where all the signs are a different language?

02:24:27.000 Yeah, we lived in one.

02:24:28.000 We've lived in a couple.

02:24:30.000 Where'd you live?

02:24:31.000 K-Town. 0.90

02:24:32.000 K-Town, and then we lived in basically Little El Salvador, which is just adjacent.

02:24:36.000 You guys were in the hood for a while, huh?

02:24:38.000 MacArthur Park.

02:24:39.000 Bang, bang. 0.99

02:24:40.000 We were in a real shithole when we got married. 0.97

02:24:42.000 We were so broke when we got married. 0.97

02:24:44.000 You heard bang bangs?

02:24:45.000 Tommy, tell Jill your famous bang bang, what you were doing at the time story.

02:24:48.000 The worst bang bang one was like two in the afternoon.

02:24:53.000 I'm sitting on our living room couch, which is basically, you could just look right into MacArthur Park. 0.98

02:25:00.000 I'm sitting on the couch, pants down, jerking off to porn on my laptop, and I just hear, like, cop! 0.99

02:25:06.000 Boom! 1.00

02:25:07.000 And I just, like, fucking jump on the ground. 0.99

02:25:10.000 Like, I jump on the ground, full boner, like, am I in trouble? 0.99

02:25:14.000 Like, it's so terrifying to be in that thought process and hear that loud. 0.96

02:25:18.000 And I just, I pull my pants up, and the first thing I do, you're not home, so I call our Jose, our, whatever, he doesn't fucking listen to the show.

02:25:28.000 Jose is the building, you know, manager. 0.89

02:25:31.000 It doesn't work anymore now.

02:25:33.000 So I call him.

02:25:34.000 And he's like, what's up? 0.99

02:25:36.000 And I go, dude, what the fuck was that? 0.99

02:25:38.000 And he goes, what was what? 1.00

02:25:39.000 And I go, you didn't hear that shit? 1.00

02:25:40.000 And he goes, no. 1.00

02:25:41.000 I go, it sounded like it was on my fucking, like, back, like on my balcony. 0.98

02:25:45.000 No, I'm in the garage, man. 0.98

02:25:46.000 And I was like, all right.

02:25:48.000 And I'm like, this is unbelievable.

02:25:50.000 And then two minutes go by.

02:25:52.000 My phone rings.

02:25:53.000 And he's like, hey, yeah, man.

02:25:55.000 I just talked to somebody.

02:25:56.000 Somebody just got shot on the street out in front.

02:25:59.000 That's what you heard.

02:26:00.000 And then they shut down. 0.99

02:26:03.000 Every fucking possible entrance to our street. 0.98

02:26:06.000 And what happened was a guy went up to another guy, two in the afternoon, broad daylight, and put a.45, right? 0.99

02:26:15.000 Like, pulled it out, shot him in the chest.

02:26:17.000 Random? 0.98

02:26:18.000 It was a gang thing.

02:26:19.000 And then...

02:26:21.000 Didn't even run.

02:26:22.000 He just waited there.

02:26:24.000 Waited?

02:26:24.000 Waited for the cops.

02:26:25.000 To get arrested?

02:26:26.000 I guess, yeah. 1.00

02:26:27.000 There was a lot, a lot of gang shit in that neighborhood. 1.00

02:26:30.000 Why did they wait? 1.00

02:26:32.000 Did they want to go back to jail?

02:26:33.000 I don't know.

02:26:34.000 That part wasn't explained to me.

02:26:35.000 But the shooting was...

02:26:38.000 Like, you know, the whole thing was that he just, I think it was a marked guy.

02:26:42.000 Like, he had done something and they were like, this is a retaliation.

02:26:45.000 Ooh, living in a gang neighborhood is not cool.

02:26:47.000 No.

02:26:48.000 What was neat, though, is that LAPD installed these, like, sound devices where they'd put them up on the light post or somewhere and they could actually track exactly where the bullet was shot from within a five-mile radius.

02:27:03.000 So, like, that was kind of cool.

02:27:04.000 Five-mile radius?

02:27:06.000 Yeah, I think it's that.

02:27:07.000 That seems pretty big.

02:27:08.000 That's huge.

02:27:09.000 Well, I'm telling you.

02:27:09.000 Yeah, look it up.

02:27:10.000 I may be off on the...

02:27:11.000 Anyway, they could detect exactly where the bullet was coming from, apparently.

02:27:15.000 One of our last nights was a celebratory night where we were on the roof. 0.99

02:27:19.000 Holy shit, man. 0.99

02:27:21.000 It was a couple days after... 0.99

02:27:25.000 LAPD had...

02:27:26.000 There was a drunk guy on 6th Street who was wielding a knife, and they lit him up.

02:27:33.000 Salvadorian guy. 1.00

02:27:34.000 Yeah, they shot him like fucking... 0.99

02:27:37.000 I forget, it was like 13 or 22 times... 0.99

02:27:39.000 Like something crazy for this drunk guy with a knife.

02:27:43.000 So they, El Salvadorian neighborhood, marched towards the Rampart Division...

02:27:49.000 Police headquarters.

02:27:51.000 And it was bananas. 0.99

02:27:52.000 So we're standing on the roof of our building and no shit, there's like 20 police helicopters. 0.98

02:27:59.000 Like usually there was one or two a night, every night. 0.91

02:28:02.000 But like when you see 20, you're like, this is martial law.

02:28:05.000 Like it was, that neighborhood that night was unlike anything I've ever seen.

02:28:09.000 Yeah.

02:28:10.000 Wow.

02:28:10.000 Well, they shot him for no reason.

02:28:12.000 No, they didn't shoot him for no reason.

02:28:13.000 He had a knife, but he was drunk.

02:28:15.000 I know.

02:28:16.000 He was like...

02:28:16.000 What are you supposed to do?

02:28:18.000 Give him a book?

02:28:19.000 Give him a book.

02:28:20.000 Teach him how to act right. 1.00

02:28:21.000 Show him how to wash his ass with his hand. 1.00

02:28:24.000 No, it was... 1.00

02:28:25.000 It's crazy.

02:28:27.000 I mean, the whole thing was that it's obviously excessive force, but...

02:28:30.000 They're just happy to use their guns.

02:28:32.000 Yeah, they're excited.

02:28:32.000 There's a reason to do it.

02:28:33.000 Some asshole's got a knife. 1.00

02:28:34.000 Let's light this dude up. 1.00

02:28:35.000 Let's just light him up.

02:28:36.000 He's got a family.

02:28:37.000 Two miles.

02:28:38.000 Two miles, all right.

02:28:39.000 Two miles?

02:28:39.000 Three miles off.

02:28:40.000 Powerful Brian.

02:28:41.000 Doing some research.

02:28:42.000 Powerful.

02:28:43.000 Pretty big, man.

02:28:44.000 Yeah, that's not good.

02:28:45.000 Brian Callen was on his street and his neighbor couldn't drive his car.

02:28:49.000 Couldn't figure out why his car couldn't start.

02:28:51.000 So he got his car towed and they found a bullet in the engine block.

02:28:53.000 What?

02:28:54.000 There was a shootout on the street and a stray bullet slammed into his engine.

02:28:57.000 Jesus.

02:28:58.000 Yeah, that's when Brian was like, okie dokie, time to move.

02:29:02.000 Yeah.

02:29:02.000 And then a park where he used to take his daughter to play.

02:29:05.000 A guy shot a guy there.

02:29:06.000 Cool. 1.00

02:29:07.000 I'm like, okay, fuck Venice. 1.00

02:29:09.000 Great. 1.00

02:29:10.000 Venice is great, though. 0.98

02:29:11.000 That's what sucks about Venice. 0.80

02:29:13.000 It has all of that, but it's also great.

02:29:15.000 Cool restaurants and cool little art places.

02:29:19.000 It's a funky...

02:29:20.000 I saw a poetry slam there once.

02:29:22.000 Not that great.

02:29:23.000 I'm sorry.

02:29:24.000 It's the worst.

02:29:25.000 Have you been to the tasting kitchen there?

02:29:28.000 In Venice?

02:29:29.000 No, I don't know what that is.

02:29:30.000 A restaurant.

02:29:31.000 Oh, no, no, no, no.

02:29:32.000 I've never been there.

02:29:33.000 Wait, let's play this.

02:29:34.000 Poetry slams.

02:29:35.000 What do you like less?

02:29:38.000 Poetry slams or musicals?

02:29:40.000 Poetry slams.

02:29:41.000 Okay.

02:29:42.000 Because at least musicals, somebody likes them.

02:29:44.000 Right.

02:29:45.000 You're pretending.

02:29:46.000 You remember when they have deaf poetry jam?

02:29:48.000 Yes!

02:29:49.000 Yes!

02:29:50.000 I stand, white man, in front of you, unconquered, on top of the universe.

02:29:56.000 Is my soul eternal?

02:29:57.000 Shall I reach a point, a pinnacle, in my existence here, in your white-dominated world? 0.99

02:30:04.000 Can I, will I, do I, shall I? That shit suck, man! 1.00

02:30:09.000 That's what that should have. 1.00

02:30:10.000 There was a time with men like me who did not have access to books or knowledge, but now I thrive.

02:30:17.000 Yeah! 1.00

02:30:18.000 There should be, in Deaf Poetry Slam, there should be a black guy in the fucking rafters with a mic who just gets to, after everyone goes, your shit was whack too, man! 1.00

02:30:28.000 Like, just shits on everybody. 1.00

02:30:29.000 You know what's way worse than black guys in Deaf Poetry Jams? 1.00

02:30:32.000 White guys? 0.98

02:30:32.000 White guys in Deaf Poetry Jams. 0.98

02:30:34.000 White guys trying to be black doing that? 0.92

02:30:36.000 Yes. 0.99

02:30:37.000 Rough.

02:30:38.000 Here's the problem with those things.

02:30:40.000 The art form itself is incredibly unsatisfying.

02:30:44.000 All you're doing is saying things and you're trying to be profound.

02:30:48.000 The only time anybody ever wants to hear anything really profound like that is from someone who is an accomplished person.

02:30:55.000 Right.

02:30:57.000 Russell Simmons went up and gave a poetry slam about succeeding in business.

02:31:03.000 Right.

02:31:03.000 Then you would want to see, like, starting your own business.

02:31:06.000 You're like, well, that's fucking awesome. 0.87

02:31:07.000 Yeah, that's Russell Simmons, and it's got some poignancy to it. 1.00

02:31:10.000 But when you're some self-indulgent fucking dickwad, and you're just talking nonsense and strings. 0.99

02:31:17.000 They were just so bad, too. 1.00

02:31:19.000 Adolescent shit. 1.00

02:31:20.000 And we already told you, you're good at sports. 1.00

02:31:23.000 Just keep playing sports.

02:31:25.000 What about the white people that are doing it?

02:31:26.000 Run faster. 0.91

02:31:27.000 Here's a white guy.

02:31:30.000 It's George Watsky.

02:31:32.000 Don't be mean to George.

02:31:33.000 Poor George. 0.98

02:31:34.000 We're about to crucify him right now. 0.80

02:31:38.000 Oh Christ. 0.76

02:31:39.000 That's embarrassing.

02:31:44.000 So this is for those among us who got enough play through 12th grade to carry in an upside-down teaspoon.

02:31:52.000 For every kid with the collective romantic prowess of Steve Urkel, Richard Simmons, and Screech from Saved by the Bell, this is the anthem For those among us who got none in our formative years.

02:32:05.000 And this poem is for every high school virgin who wouldn't have had it any other way.

02:32:13.000 You don't know the possibilities of a weekend until you've cracked a four-pack of juice squeeze with your boys, bumped B.I.G.'s Big Papa, and watched an entire Star Trek The Next Generation marathon.

02:32:24.000 For me, virgin was working, and I can see why Trekkie's greedy. 0.97

02:32:28.000 Please stop this.

02:32:29.000 I know, right?

02:32:31.000 I feel for that boy.

02:32:33.000 You know what I would tell that boy?

02:32:35.000 First, there's a bunch of things you gotta tell him.

02:32:36.000 First of all, your breathing heavy has to stop.

02:32:39.000 The deliveries, yeah.

02:32:41.000 The Quentin Tarantino vibe should have stopped too.

02:32:44.000 And he's definitely not gonna get laid after this. 0.94

02:32:46.000 This thing that they do where they're in front of black people, they act black. 0.99

02:32:50.000 Yeah, there's black diction. 0.88

02:32:52.000 Change the way he talks.

02:32:52.000 Yes, yes.

02:32:53.000 Change the way he talks.

02:32:54.000 And it wasn't this.

02:32:56.000 It wasn't full bore, but it was pretty obvious.

02:32:58.000 Oprah does that, too. 0.89

02:32:59.000 She should have just thrown in a few more, you know what I'm saying. 1.00

02:33:01.000 Super funny.

02:33:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:33:04.000 That would be so great.

02:33:06.000 Then four juice boxes.

02:33:07.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:33:08.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:33:09.000 But that thing that they do when I'm going to tell you, there's a way I've got to breathe. 1.00

02:33:14.000 Then that death slam stupid fucking breathing thing in between your overly contrived delivery. 1.00

02:33:21.000 It's so contrived. 1.00

02:33:22.000 I'll find one where it's a girl talking about an ex-boyfriend. 0.82

02:33:25.000 I like those.

02:33:26.000 Pap! 0.85

02:33:26.000 Bow! 0.85

02:33:27.000 My heart is broken on the floor!

02:33:29.000 No more.

02:33:30.000 Don't put another one on.

02:33:31.000 I can't take it.

02:33:32.000 It's horrible.

02:33:32.000 I know.

02:33:33.000 It's an awful art form.

02:33:34.000 It is.

02:33:35.000 We should just stop talking about something else. 0.98

02:33:37.000 Because it's like stand-up with no punchlines delivered by a guy who sucks at stand-up. 0.97

02:33:41.000 Right. 0.94

02:33:42.000 That's what it's like.

02:33:43.000 I'm so excited for the amount of hate we will collectively receive for this age.

02:33:47.000 It's going to be brutal.

02:33:49.000 Deaf poetry slam.

02:33:50.000 Do you have any poems, Jeff?

02:33:52.000 Do you have any old poems that you wrote?

02:33:53.000 No.

02:33:54.000 How dare you rip on a deaf poetry slam? 0.99

02:33:58.000 The streets would all be cleaner.

02:34:00.000 I forget how it worked.

02:34:01.000 If I only had a gun.

02:34:03.000 I wrote something.

02:34:04.000 That's a good one.

02:34:05.000 It was really terrible.

02:34:06.000 I just think they're misguided, those people.

02:34:08.000 16 when I wrote it.

02:34:09.000 Which ones?

02:34:09.000 The people doing that, I feel like you should tell them, you know what?

02:34:12.000 You want to perform, and that's cool. 0.99

02:34:15.000 This thing that you're doing, the whole thing sucks. 0.99

02:34:18.000 So... 0.98

02:34:20.000 Just get into a different art form. 0.99

02:34:24.000 You chose the shitty thing. 0.98

02:34:26.000 You know what it's like? 0.99

02:34:27.000 It's like racing unicycles.

02:34:29.000 Right. 1.00

02:34:30.000 Unicycles are fucking stupid. 1.00

02:34:31.000 This is lame. 1.00

02:34:32.000 And racing them is even dumber. 0.98

02:34:34.000 Because they don't work right. 0.99

02:34:36.000 They're terrible.

02:34:37.000 Get on a bike. 1.00

02:34:37.000 The only reason anybody rides a unicycle is because they're a fucking attention whore. 1.00

02:34:43.000 Look at me! 1.00

02:34:44.000 The wheel's this big and there's only one of them, dude.

02:34:47.000 With a parrot on.

02:34:48.000 That guy we saw the other day?

02:34:50.000 Yeah.

02:34:50.000 The parrots.

02:34:51.000 The exotic animal guy? 0.99

02:34:52.000 Yeah, just fucking walking around. 1.00

02:34:55.000 Sweatshorts and a 6X shirt. 0.99

02:34:57.000 We talked about this guy for five minutes.

02:34:59.000 We looked at him out the window and we couldn't stop.

02:35:02.000 Because we were inside a car so we could abuse him without him hearing it.

02:35:04.000 Of course. 0.96

02:35:05.000 We just shat upon him for at least five minutes. 1.00

02:35:08.000 On his lonely stroll that you know he does just for people to go, that guy's got a fucking bird! 1.00

02:35:12.000 Snake people are like that. 1.00

02:35:14.000 Snake people do that, yeah. 0.86

02:35:15.000 How about people with ferrets?

02:35:17.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:35:17.000 My ferret's on a leash.

02:35:18.000 Yeah.

02:35:19.000 You remember that guy in Miami who had the big lizard on his shoulder?

02:35:23.000 Of course, same thing.

02:35:23.000 But now that guy was smart because he was like, oh, you like this lizard?

02:35:26.000 It's $20 to take a picture with it.

02:35:28.000 Right, of course.

02:35:29.000 That's a good racket.

02:35:30.000 $20 to take a picture with it?

02:35:31.000 Right.

02:35:32.000 He hoses... 0.98

02:35:33.000 But see, he picked South Beach. 1.00

02:35:35.000 He picked a place where there's all these tourists and they're like, This is some shit you would never see anywhere. 1.00

02:35:39.000 This is a guy. 0.99

02:35:40.000 We came from Wisconsin.

02:35:41.000 We saw a guy.

02:35:42.000 You're not going to believe this.

02:35:43.000 With a lizard on his shoulder.

02:35:45.000 Might have been the craziest thing I've ever seen.

02:35:47.000 We couldn't believe it.

02:35:48.000 You should have came with us.

02:35:49.000 He walked around like it was a dog.

02:35:51.000 He didn't care.

02:35:52.000 A lizard on your shoulder. 0.98

02:35:54.000 White people. 0.69

02:35:55.000 Walking down the street. 1.00

02:35:56.000 Silly white people. 1.00

02:36:00.000 It does the kind of white people that you would target if you wanted to start a cult, too. 1.00

02:36:04.000 Exactly. 0.96

02:36:04.000 The type of white people, bring it all back to Scientology. 0.96

02:36:06.000 Yes. 0.99

02:36:06.000 Those people, if you gave them a Dianetics book and started getting their email address and sending them some shit, send them some pamphlets. 0.99

02:36:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:36:15.000 White people. 0.69

02:36:16.000 Clearwater, Florida.

02:36:17.000 You ever go down there?

02:36:18.000 No.

02:36:18.000 That's a Scientology stronghold.

02:36:20.000 My folks used to live there.

02:36:22.000 They used to live in Clearwater.

02:36:23.000 That's headquarters.

02:36:24.000 Mm-hmm.

02:36:24.000 Yeah, that's world headquarters.

02:36:26.000 Yeah.

02:36:27.000 Yeah, that's the spot where they all decided.

02:36:29.000 It's the perfect level of intelligence, like the average.

02:36:34.000 It's way higher there of people that you can trick.

02:36:36.000 Mm. 0.95

02:36:36.000 You know, I'm sure there's very smart people in Clearwater, Florida, but there's also a lot of, like, serious dummies. 0.95

02:36:42.000 Yeah.

02:36:42.000 You can get them.

02:36:43.000 That's where the charlatans go, right? 0.61

02:36:45.000 You can get them.

02:36:46.000 It's near Tampa, which has a lot of, we talked about that, a lot of swingers.

02:36:50.000 Oh, yeah.

02:36:50.000 Oh, my God, yeah.

02:36:52.000 There was a club in Ocala that no longer exists that was run by swingers.

02:36:57.000 A lot of swingers.

02:36:58.000 Yeah.

02:36:58.000 That part of Florida.

02:36:59.000 Hey, what the hell? 1.00

02:37:00.000 Come on, want to watch my wife and me fuck? 1.00

02:37:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:37:02.000 No. 1.00

02:37:03.000 I'll pass.

02:37:04.000 I was with Ari once, and we had a guy who drove us in Nashville, and he seemed like the most straight-laced guy until the last day.

02:37:12.000 And the last day, as he's driving us to the airport, he starts talking about swinging.

02:37:17.000 He starts talking about the rules.

02:37:19.000 He goes, next time you come here, I'll take you to the swinging club.

02:37:23.000 And Ari and I were like...

02:37:25.000 What?

02:37:26.000 What are you talking about?

02:37:27.000 And so then he starts telling us about the rules that they have.

02:37:30.000 Like, well, you know, we have rules.

02:37:31.000 If I'm not comfortable about it, she doesn't go with the guy.

02:37:34.000 And, you know, if she's not comfortable about it, I don't go with the girl.

02:37:38.000 Sometimes we watch each other, but most of the time I don't like watching.

02:37:42.000 Yeah, man.

02:37:44.000 That's a lot.

02:37:45.000 Would you ever share Christina with a...

02:37:47.000 Oh, we already do.

02:37:48.000 Oh, yeah?

02:37:48.000 Cockholding?

02:37:49.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:37:50.000 Cockhold.

02:37:51.000 Cockholding.

02:37:52.000 Tom loves it.

02:37:54.000 Cockholding.

02:37:56.000 Where's that word?

02:37:57.000 Where's that originate from?

02:37:58.000 I don't know.

02:37:59.000 Shakespeare, yeah?

02:37:59.000 Is it?

02:38:00.000 I'm sure.

02:38:01.000 It sounds like an old-timey English word.

02:38:03.000 It does sound old-timey, but I don't know if it is.

02:38:04.000 I bet you like codpiece and cuckolding is Shakespeare.

02:38:09.000 Cuckold in the Wikipedia.

02:38:12.000 Okay.

02:38:12.000 Historically, it's historical.

02:38:14.000 Historically referred to a husband with an adulterous wife and still often used with this meaning.

02:38:21.000 In evolutionary biology, the term cuckold is applied to males who are unwittingly investing parental effort in offsprings that are not genetically their own.

02:38:31.000 Wow, that's deep. 0.64

02:38:32.000 So if you're a stepfather, you're a cuckold. 0.99

02:38:35.000 Since the 1990s, the term has been wildly used to refer to a sexual fetish in which the fetishist is stimulated by their committed partner choosing to have sex with someone else. 0.99

02:38:46.000 So for some men, they get their rocks off that way, but the original description of it...

02:38:54.000 I guess it could be a verb as well, right?

02:38:56.000 Cuckolding?

02:38:57.000 Sure.

02:38:58.000 Would you ever do that?

02:38:59.000 Never.

02:39:01.000 Okay, first appeared in 1250. Look at this.

02:39:04.000 1250. 1250 in a satirical and polemical poem, The Owl and the Nightingale.

02:39:10.000 Wow.

02:39:11.000 There you go.

02:39:11.000 The term was clearly regarded as an embarrassingly direct...

02:39:16.000 As embarrassingly direct as evidence in John Lydgate's The Fall of the Princess in 1440, the late 14th century, the term also appeared in Geoffrey Clawchacher's Miller's Tale.

02:39:31.000 That's interesting.

02:39:32.000 Shakespeare's poetry often referenced cuckolds.

02:39:35.000 Ding, ding, ding.

02:39:36.000 You nailed it.

02:39:36.000 Winner, winner.

02:39:37.000 You're smart, Saul.

02:39:39.000 Why are you married to him? 0.94

02:39:40.000 Thank you.

02:39:40.000 Is that how you guys get along, because you're so smart?

02:39:42.000 Give me my reward.

02:39:43.000 Is that what we get along?

02:39:45.000 You're smart. 1.00

02:39:45.000 It's her boobs. 1.00

02:39:47.000 When I speak, do you just hear like... 0.99

02:39:53.000 Like chimp squeaks, yeah. 1.00

02:39:54.000 Wow, there's other words for it.

02:39:57.000 There's cuckold in Bulgarian. 0.99

02:40:00.000 In Bulgarian, it doesn't even have English words or letters, so I don't know what the fuck. 1.00

02:40:08.000 How do you say this? 0.98

02:40:09.000 P-O-R-C-H-O-C-H-E and the number four.

02:40:14.000 You know, it's like a lowercase four.

02:40:17.000 It says, literally, one who wears horns.

02:40:24.000 One who wears horns and the act of being unfaithful is called C, the number five, A-R. Karnirpora, literally to attach horns.

02:40:39.000 Vietnamese is...

02:40:41.000 It's all horn.

02:40:46.000 It's all the word horn.

02:40:49.000 What's that?

02:40:50.000 Massage?

02:40:53.000 Which area?

02:40:54.000 You're too strong.

02:40:57.000 They have in Greek.

02:40:58.000 It's a totally different language.

02:41:00.000 It's impossible.

02:41:01.000 K, number three, backwards.

02:41:03.000 P-A-T-A, letter that doesn't exist, meaning the horned one.

02:41:09.000 Yeah.

02:41:09.000 Wow.

02:41:11.000 What is that? 1.00

02:41:12.000 What is that fucking fetish guys would want? 1.00

02:41:15.000 To be shamed, I'm assuming. 1.00

02:41:17.000 I have a friend.

02:41:17.000 To, like, shame.

02:41:18.000 Who went to a party and a man made his wife blow him. 0.84

02:41:24.000 The man watched and was giving instruction on how to blow him. 0.56

02:41:29.000 Wow.

02:41:29.000 Your friend was the one who did this?

02:41:32.000 My friend was sitting outside on a porch at a party and this woman was blowing him while the husband was sitting next to the woman giving directions. 1.00

02:41:39.000 Wow.

02:41:40.000 That's so crazy.

02:41:41.000 Yeah, I was like, whoa, dude.

02:41:44.000 That's so intense because I feel as though that might violate some trust with my...

02:41:48.000 You think?

02:41:49.000 Wait a minute.

02:41:51.000 I love you.

02:41:53.000 I don't want you to do that with me.

02:41:55.000 Well, I don't think it's just that. 1.00

02:41:56.000 I mean, it was weird for my friend, who was a single guy, to get head from some guy's wife while the guy is saying, rub his balls, rub his balls. 1.00

02:42:04.000 Oh, my life! 0.99

02:42:05.000 He's giving him direction, like, cradle his balls, cradle his balls, work the shaft, work the shaft. 0.99

02:42:10.000 Is he gonna come? 0.99

02:42:11.000 Is he gonna come? 0.82

02:42:11.000 Take it in your mouth. 0.82

02:42:12.000 Take it in your mouth. 0.95

02:42:12.000 Oh my god. 0.95

02:42:12.000 Like the whole deal. 0.95

02:42:13.000 Yeah, there's freaks, man. 0.99

02:42:14.000 Come in your mouth. 1.00

02:42:15.000 And my friend was like, oh my god, what? 0.99

02:42:17.000 He goes, it started out like ridiculous. 0.95

02:42:19.000 And he goes, but then like when the guy was like giving instruction, he goes, it just got really gay and weird. 0.97

02:42:24.000 It was all so off.

02:42:26.000 Yeah.

02:42:26.000 The guy was liking it.

02:42:28.000 Of course.

02:42:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:42:29.000 That's the whole payoff, right?

02:42:30.000 That's the payoff for him.

02:42:31.000 That's why he does it. 1.00

02:42:32.000 He likes his wife sucking a cock. 1.00

02:42:34.000 Wow. 1.00

02:42:34.000 Right in front of him. 1.00

02:42:35.000 Yeah.

02:42:36.000 Well, I guess it's like that forbidden thing.

02:42:38.000 It's like we were talking about at the beginning about porn. 1.00

02:42:41.000 The gagging and two dicks in the ass. 1.00

02:42:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:42:43.000 It's forbidden. 1.00

02:42:45.000 Right, the taboo. 1.00

02:42:46.000 You would never teach your wife how to suck a cock in front of you, would you? 1.00

02:42:50.000 Yeah, I would. 1.00

02:42:51.000 I'm going to fucking tell her she's going to suck a cock, and I'm going to tell her what to do. 1.00

02:42:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:42:55.000 I'm going to tell this bitch what to do. 1.00

02:42:56.000 You suck that cock. 1.00

02:42:56.000 Look at that. 1.00

02:42:57.000 Roll those balls. 1.00

02:42:57.000 Oh, roll those balls, dirty bitch. 1.00

02:42:59.000 I would laugh so hard at you. 1.00

02:43:00.000 Could you imagine?

02:43:01.000 I wouldn't be able to do it.

02:43:02.000 I'm like, oh yeah? 0.99

02:43:03.000 Could you just imagine what the fuck that would be like? 0.99

02:43:08.000 No. 0.99

02:43:09.000 No.

02:43:09.000 Jesus.

02:43:10.000 No!

02:43:11.000 No! 1.00

02:43:12.000 But there's people like way crazier shit. 1.00

02:43:15.000 There's a super bond between husband and wife. 1.00

02:43:16.000 I cannot. 0.95

02:43:17.000 Not with this cuckold group. 0.99

02:43:18.000 Not with the cuckolds. 0.98

02:43:19.000 Or swingers.

02:43:20.000 No.

02:43:20.000 You know, you've seen, because I'm sure you've been, like, I've had couples that are always never attractive come up to you and they're like, what's up?

02:43:28.000 Like, we're going to go out and have a good time.

02:43:30.000 Do you want to join us?

02:43:31.000 And you feel that, like, you know, that invitation from them, like...

02:43:35.000 Come out with us.

02:43:35.000 It'll be a great time.

02:43:36.000 We're going to hit this crazy club. 1.00

02:43:38.000 Check out my wife's tits. 1.00

02:43:40.000 They're putting it out there. 1.00

02:43:41.000 You can come party with us. 1.00

02:43:43.000 Weird shit. 0.99

02:43:44.000 We've been together now for almost eight years. 1.00

02:43:47.000 The thought of being naked with somebody different is so crazy to me.

02:43:51.000 You haven't seen Brian naked.

02:43:52.000 Yes, yes, yes.

02:43:55.000 You don't want that?

02:43:55.000 Imagine that.

02:43:57.000 How dare you?

02:43:59.000 Turn your back on that.

02:44:01.000 Wonderful opportunity.

02:44:02.000 Hey Joe, can I ask you a would you rather?

02:44:04.000 We came up with a new one in the car.

02:44:06.000 This one's just for you, okay?

02:44:09.000 Would you rather for an entire year, all you can eat is hot dogs from 7-Eleven and Gatorade?

02:44:18.000 That's one option.

02:44:19.000 Wait, and you can't Oh, and you cannot exercise, but you must eat hot dogs and Gatorade.

02:44:27.000 Or the other option...

02:44:28.000 No, or you can't exercise.

02:44:29.000 That's it.

02:44:30.000 Right.

02:44:30.000 So either you're not allowed to exercise, but you can eat what you want, or the other one is eating hot dogs and Gatorade, but you can still exercise.

02:44:38.000 Hmm.

02:44:39.000 That's a good question.

02:44:40.000 Thank you.

02:44:40.000 So, here's the thing you have to consider, right?

02:44:43.000 I think I would have to go with the no exercise.

02:44:45.000 No exercise and eat whatever you want.

02:44:46.000 Yeah.

02:44:47.000 Yeah.

02:44:47.000 I would eat healthy, not exercise.

02:44:49.000 But I would do things that would be like exercise. 0.99

02:44:51.000 I'd be like, well, I'm going to just work in a fucking sandbag yard now. 0.99

02:44:55.000 Oh, right. 0.99

02:44:56.000 I would say, hey, man, can I work here for four hours a week?

02:45:01.000 And then four days a week, I would come in for an hour and just work for like 10 bucks an hour throwing sandbags around.

02:45:07.000 I would just do it really gangster.

02:45:09.000 Okay, let's revise this.

02:45:11.000 What if you're just, you can't do that.

02:45:12.000 That's what I would do, though.

02:45:14.000 I would be too smart for you.

02:45:15.000 I would just take a job.

02:45:17.000 I would take a hard labor job.

02:45:18.000 You have to lay in bed.

02:45:20.000 But you could do all the exercise that you want with your hot dogs and Gatorade every day.

02:45:26.000 Every meal is hot dogs and Gatorade.

02:45:28.000 You need more.

02:45:28.000 Your body would break down.

02:45:30.000 How shitty? 0.99

02:45:31.000 Yeah, your body would break down. 0.99

02:45:32.000 You would have a real issue.

02:45:33.000 If you were just eating hot dogs and Gatorade and trying to exercise, you wouldn't have the nutrients to sustain any sort of strenuous exercise.

02:45:42.000 Can someone please make an exercise video of just hot dogs and Gatorade?

02:45:48.000 Do you know why we- You'd probably die of scurvy.

02:45:51.000 We did because one of our friends stayed at our house one time for like three days and he ate just hot dogs and catering.

02:45:57.000 Listen man, ever since I cut gluten out of my diet, I miss pasta, but they have great gluten-free pasta. 0.93

02:46:03.000 You know what I really fucking miss? 0.95

02:46:05.000 A hot dog with a bun, a steamy bun with some mustard and sauerkraut. 0.99

02:46:10.000 I miss that gummy, shitty bun. 0.98

02:46:12.000 So good. 0.96

02:46:13.000 I miss Italian bread too.

02:46:16.000 Bratwurst you can still eat.

02:46:17.000 I eat bratwurst, I just don't eat the bun.

02:46:21.000 But hot dogs, I miss that.

02:46:23.000 Explain this to me.

02:46:24.000 What is this gluten-free?

02:46:25.000 So that means what component?

02:46:27.000 I don't eat any bread.

02:46:28.000 I don't eat pasta.

02:46:29.000 I don't eat anything that has flour in it.

02:46:32.000 I've been doing it for about four months.

02:46:34.000 Maybe five months.

02:46:35.000 What I've noticed right away when I first started doing it is how...

02:46:40.000 When I have meals after meals, I'm not tired anymore.

02:46:43.000 Like, I used to get tired.

02:46:44.000 I would eat a meal and be like, oh! 0.99

02:46:47.000 I would hit that fucking lawn dart of just, like, exhaustion. 0.99

02:46:51.000 Now I can eat a giant steak and I never get there. 1.00

02:46:54.000 I never get there.

02:46:55.000 I can eat potatoes and I never get there.

02:46:57.000 There's something about gluten, about eating pasta, never did anything bad to me.

02:47:03.000 Like, I don't have celiac disease.

02:47:05.000 It was not something that made me fat.

02:47:07.000 But when I quit eating pasta and bread, I definitely lost body fat.

02:47:12.000 Like, quickly.

02:47:12.000 I noticed it on my face.

02:47:14.000 Like, my face was, like, less puffy.

02:47:15.000 My ring started to fit in my finger different.

02:47:18.000 And I weigh almost the same.

02:47:20.000 Like, I'm like...

02:47:21.000 Maybe I lost a few pounds, like three or four pounds or something like that.

02:47:25.000 But...

02:47:25.000 It seems like whatever the puffiness was, it's like my puffiness number went down.

02:47:30.000 Because I was eating pasta and bread every meal.

02:47:33.000 I love it!

02:47:34.000 Is there gluten-free bread?

02:47:36.000 Yes.

02:47:36.000 It's terrible.

02:47:37.000 It's like fucking cardboard. 0.99

02:47:38.000 Actually, Udi's has some pretty decent gluten-free bread. 0.99

02:47:41.000 But it's just simply not as good as gluten bread.

02:47:44.000 It's just not.

02:47:45.000 Because regular bread, you know how you take a regular bread and you mush it and turn it into a ball?

02:47:48.000 And that ball becomes like...

02:47:50.000 It's paste!

02:47:52.000 It's like eating gum.

02:47:53.000 And there's no nutritional value in that bread.

02:47:56.000 No.

02:47:56.000 That's the problem.

02:47:57.000 Nothing.

02:47:57.000 It's just sugar.

02:47:57.000 Doesn't it convert to sugar in your body or something?

02:48:00.000 Yeah.

02:48:00.000 It tastes awesome.

02:48:01.000 Your body doesn't want it at all.

02:48:02.000 No.

02:48:02.000 Your body doesn't like it.

02:48:03.000 Your body doesn't perform as good.

02:48:05.000 When I quit it, my endurance went up.

02:48:08.000 My body started feeling better.

02:48:11.000 My back started feeling better.

02:48:12.000 That's the advice that I got from a physical therapist.

02:48:15.000 She told me that she has great results in people with back injuries telling them to quit gluten.

02:48:20.000 That the decreased inflammation of gluten actually decreases the size of their bulging discs. 0.99

02:48:25.000 I was like, that is fucking nuts. 0.93

02:48:27.000 She's like, well, it makes sense because, like, knee injuries, like, a lot of times, like, the swelling and the inflammation of knee injuries, you can reduce that as well. 0.99

02:48:37.000 Yeah, I can see that. 1.00

02:48:38.000 Fucking gluten! 0.99

02:48:39.000 Don't they tell you just eat fruits and vegetables and meats anyways, like keep it living that way? 1.00

02:48:43.000 Yeah, you shouldn't even eat that much fruit.

02:48:45.000 You should limit the amount of fruit unless, except like after working out is good or while you're working out, in the middle of doing things where you're burning off a lot of calories, fruit's good.

02:48:54.000 But you should definitely limit the amount of juice you drink.

02:48:57.000 Because when you drink fruit juice, it's like straight sugar.

02:48:59.000 Yes, I agree.

02:49:00.000 It doesn't have fiber in it.

02:49:01.000 You know, when you eat an apple, you're getting fiber.

02:49:03.000 You eat an orange, you're getting fiber, and you're getting sweets.

02:49:05.000 That's why you should just drink Gatorade, like, all day.

02:49:07.000 Gatorade hot dogs.

02:49:09.000 Well, what would you guys do?

02:49:10.000 Would you take the no exercise?

02:49:11.000 Or would you take Gatorade and hot dogs?

02:49:13.000 I can't, because I'm very particular with eating.

02:49:16.000 I actually do watch what I eat.

02:49:17.000 I couldn't eat anything. 1.00

02:49:19.000 Because you feel like shit when you eat hot dogs and Gatorade. 1.00

02:49:22.000 You feel awful. 1.00

02:49:24.000 It's not good.

02:49:25.000 No.

02:49:26.000 And you can get by without exercising if you watch your diet properly.

02:49:31.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:49:32.000 Yeah, I can't. 1.00

02:49:33.000 I can't eat like shit. 0.99

02:49:34.000 You could definitely get away with being okay. 1.00

02:49:37.000 Yeah, not fantastic, but at least you can keep your weight down somewhat. 1.00

02:49:41.000 I just, I don't know, the older I get, the harder it is to eat like shit. 0.98

02:49:44.000 I can't even do it now. 0.99

02:49:45.000 Well, plus, I enjoy eating.

02:49:47.000 That's another part of the problem.

02:49:49.000 I like good food.

02:49:50.000 I like food that tastes good. 1.00

02:49:51.000 Hot dogs and fucking, it would drive me nuts after a while. 1.00

02:49:54.000 It would make you crazy. 1.00

02:49:56.000 Alright, this podcast is basically over.

02:49:58.000 I want you guys to subscribe to Your Mom's House.

02:50:02.000 It's on iTunes. 0.98

02:50:03.000 It's fucking hilarious. 0.73

02:50:04.000 It's Tom and Christina's podcast. 0.92

02:50:06.000 And they can find you guys online.

02:50:09.000 Do you guys have a podcast website?

02:50:12.000 Yourmomshousepodcast.com TomSeguro.com.

02:50:15.000 TomSeguro.com.

02:50:17.000 ChristinaComedy.com.

02:50:18.000 You don't know Bozitski, huh?

02:50:20.000 You don't trust people.

02:50:21.000 Negative. 1.00

02:50:22.000 You're too fucking stupid. 1.00

02:50:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:50:23.000 And upcoming dates.

02:50:24.000 You guys got any upcoming dates?

02:50:26.000 Yes.

02:50:26.000 Big one.

02:50:27.000 November 1st and 2nd, I'm running my hour in LA at Flappers in Burbank.

02:50:32.000 And you can go to my site and get it.

02:50:35.000 TomSeguro.com.

02:50:36.000 My special is November 9th in Minneapolis.

02:50:38.000 You can get free tickets.

02:50:40.000 At TomSegura.com. 0.99

02:50:41.000 Damn! 0.99

02:50:42.000 Free! 0.99

02:50:42.000 Christine and I are doing Your Mom's House live November 22nd at the Ice House and December 5th in San Diego at the American Comedy Company. 0.99

02:50:52.000 Good, googly, moogly.

02:50:54.000 I'm in San Diego this weekend at the Madhouse Comedy Club October 25th through 27th and then in Hartford at the Funny Bone November 14th through 17th.

02:51:03.000 Boom.

02:51:04.000 Sweet Jesus.

02:51:05.000 This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

02:51:08.000 Use the code JOE and the number 10. One word, JOE10. Save 10% off your first purchase on new accounts.

02:51:15.000 That's squarespace.com, the number JOE10. We're also brought to you by stamps.com for your super awesome, extra sweet deal.

02:51:23.000 Use the code word JRE and get your $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and up to $55 of free postage.

02:51:32.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

02:51:34.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and save 10% off any of the supplements.

02:51:40.000 We'll be back tomorrow with the one and only Eddie Bravo to break down this past weekend's UFC that Tommy Bunz was ringside for.

02:51:48.000 Unbelievable. 1.00

02:51:49.000 Tune in for that shit. 1.00

02:51:50.000 Those fights were incredible. 1.00

02:51:52.000 It's the greatest night of fights in the history of the world.

02:51:54.000 Incredible.

02:51:54.000 Diego Sanchez fight was...

02:51:56.000 Incredible.

02:51:57.000 Incredible.

02:51:57.000 And the main event, Dos Santos Velasquez was just...

02:52:02.000 Yeah.

02:52:02.000 Mind-blowing.

02:52:03.000 Crazy shit. 0.99

02:52:04.000 Alright, we love you guys, and we'll see you tomorrow. 1.00

02:52:05.000 Big kiss.

02:52:06.000 Ciao.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 21, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #406 - Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript