The Joe Rogan Experience - June 18, 2014


Joe Rogan Experience #513 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

Topics
NatureBox Ting cell phones nootropics cordyceps mushrooms making a movie networking Ian Edwards worms in dog poop horse steroids kettlebell training kettlebell workout farmer's walk hip escape comedy camden crime Camden Naropa University religion and social activities Marlon Brando drug laws in China Afghanistan heroin production sugar corn syrup influence organic pot candies getting high Cap City comedy club C2O coconut water
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Joey "CoCo" Diaz
Mentioned
Joey Dears Joey Diaz Tom Cruise Joe Rogan Podcast George Foreman Joe Frazier Ted Bundy Muhammad Ali Boulder Jamie Kilstein Nicole Kidman James Brown Ting John Michael Vincent Stanley Kubrick Marlon Brando Andy Payton Believed Christopher Walken Ian Edwards Dom Herrera and 130 more
Joe Rogan Experience #511 - Enson Inoue Joe Rogan Experience #514 - Duke Roufus

Episode Stats


Length

3 hours

Words per minute

204.63

Word count

36,881

Sentence count

4,814

Harmful content

Misogyny

147

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,845

sentences flagged

Hate speech

119

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

On this episode of the Joe Rogan Podcast, we talk about the new snack delivery service, NatureBox, and the new cell phone company, Sprint, and how they re redefining what it means to be a cell phone service provider in the 21st century. We also talk about how much the iPhone 5 is really worth and why it s better than the iPhone 4s. Also, we discuss the new iPhone 5s and how much it s really worth to own a phone and how you should pay for it the same way you would an old fashioned cell phone. And we talk a little bit about what it s like to live in a post 9/11 world and how we should all be paying our fair share of taxes on our cell phones. Enjoy! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. This episode was produced and edited by Matt Knost. The opinions stated here are our own, not those of our companies, unless otherwise stated. We do not own the rights to any music used in this episode. All credit given to artists, websites, etc. by their respective record labels. If you have a song you'd like us to use, we'd like to use it on the next episode, we're working on it. Thank you for the music we mentioned in the episode, if you're looking for a song, we'll make sure to give us a shoutout in the next time we make a song we cover it in a song that you're listening to us on the show. -- we'll be giving us a review on our next episode of our next week's episode, it's coming out next week, and we'll get a shout out to you in a review of the song we're making it out to us in a future episode. Thank you! -- Thank you so much for all the folks who sent in their music, we really appreciate it! -- -- and we really do appreciate all the love and support we got back from you, it really means a lot of the work you've done so much of it, it means so much to us, we appreciate it. -- we really really appreciate the love, love, and appreciate the support we've gotten back from all of you. -- thank you, thank you back and appreciate all of the support, love you, back and appreciation, back to you, bye.

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:02.000 Hello, freak bitches. 1.00
00:00:05.000 Welcome back once again. 1.00
00:00:07.000 Matt Flavors here, and he's got his fucking reading glasses on, so you know shit is about to get very serious. 0.99
00:00:15.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Podcast is brought to you by NatureBox. 0.99
00:00:20.000 NatureBox, one of my favorite new sponsors. 0.99
00:00:23.000 They make some goddamn delicious shit and send it directly to you for free. 0.99
00:00:28.000 If you're one of those people that works in an office and you get annoyed at the fact that You don't have good, healthy snacks to eat that's delicious that you don't feel guilty about eating. 1.00
00:00:37.000 And, you know, the vending machine's filled with crap. 0.99
00:00:40.000 And it's hard to fucking go to the store and buy shit and think, okay, these are my snacks for work. 1.00
00:00:46.000 Way easier to have NatureBox deliver it. 0.99
00:00:49.000 And NatureBox can deliver stuff that is...
00:00:51.000 With zero trans fats, zero high fructose corn syrup, nothing artificial, no artificial sweeteners. 0.96
00:00:57.000 They have really healthy options, and then they have shit like pretzels, which are very yummy. 0.98
00:01:02.000 Very yummy. 0.98
00:01:03.000 Very yummy.
00:01:04.000 Apricot figs.
00:01:04.000 Oh yeah, good stuff.
00:01:05.000 Cocoa, almonds.
00:01:07.000 Have you had that Big Apple Pineapple? 1.00
00:01:09.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:01:09.000 Yeah, the black and white granola's delicious. 1.00
00:01:12.000 They've got endless stuff on there that you and the nutritionist approved. 0.99
00:01:16.000 It's fucking delicious. 0.98
00:01:17.000 Did you get the sriracha cashews? 0.99
00:01:19.000 Yes, I did.
00:01:19.000 Those are the best.
00:01:20.000 Did you get the spicy pistachios?
00:01:22.000 Yes. 0.99
00:01:25.000 You get stoned sometimes, you're hungry, you're looking for something, that's the perfect fucking snack, people. 0.95
00:01:31.000 Yeah, this is one, you know, NatureBox can set you up too if you have very specific dietary requirements like low sugar or gluten-free. 1.00
00:01:39.000 Really, really delicious shit. 0.96
00:01:40.000 Free shipping anywhere in the U.S., NatureBox is busting the vending machine's monopoly on your midday hunger. 1.00
00:01:46.000 That's their fucking line, not mine. 0.98
00:01:47.000 See the difference? 0.99
00:01:49.000 Try NatureBox right now and get 50% off your first box by going to naturebox.com slash rogan.
00:01:55.000 So for 50% off, naturebox.com slash rogan.
00:02:00.000 Enjoy, you freaks, because we do. 1.00
00:02:03.000 NatureBox is, in fact, the shit. 0.98
00:02:05.000 It's really cool because any kind of the snacks they tell you right there, like soy-free, dairy-free, they tell you it's really well put on their website. 0.99
00:02:13.000 And when you get it sent to your house, you don't even realize how easy that is.
00:02:17.000 That's just like five things you just throw in your cupboard and then you have snacks the whole week instead of going to McDonald's or something like that on the way home. 0.99
00:02:25.000 And good shit. 0.99
00:02:26.000 It's not like you could find this stuff at the grocery store. 1.00
00:02:27.000 Where the fuck are you going to find Sriracha cashews? 0.98
00:02:29.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:02:30.000 Like, they have some excellent recipes that they've concocted, so I salute them.
00:02:34.000 We're also brought to you by Ting, another podcast sponsor that I really enjoy.
00:02:38.000 Ting is a podcast sponsor that what they decided to do was make their own cell phone company, rent time on Sprint, but do it their way.
00:02:47.000 Do it their way with no early termination fees, no contracts.
00:02:51.000 Just sell people's service on Sprint so you know you've got an excellent network and give them, for a choice, the best mobile phones available through Android and iPhone.
00:03:01.000 Leave the iPhone 5 on there.
00:03:03.000 And instead of like the way you do it at most places, if you go to one of the bigger name cell phone companies, what you're doing is you're sort of like leasing a phone. 0.99
00:03:13.000 Like if the phone costs 200 bucks, iPhone doesn't cost 200 bucks, bitch. 1.00
00:03:17.000 An iPhone costs 600 bucks, but you pay 200 bucks and then over the course of the years of your contract, you pay off the rest. 0.98
00:03:24.000 They don't do it that way, Tink.
00:03:25.000 If it says $200, it's because it's $200.
00:03:28.000 That's it.
00:03:28.000 We're done here.
00:03:29.000 You give them $200, they give you a phone, that's a wrap.
00:03:32.000 Like, you see that iPhone 5 that they had?
00:03:34.000 $260?
00:03:34.000 That's what it actually costs.
00:03:36.000 And then that shit is yours. 1.00
00:03:37.000 And if you want to leave, you leave. 1.00
00:03:38.000 You want to come back?
00:03:39.000 Come on back. 0.99
00:03:40.000 Nobody gives a fuck. 0.89
00:03:41.000 What they're trying to do is sell you an excellent cell phone service at a reasonable price with reasonable rules. 0.94
00:03:47.000 And they also have it set up so you only pay for the minutes that you use.
00:03:50.000 If you use one minute a month, that's what you pay for.
00:03:52.000 If you use 100 minutes a month, that's what you pay for.
00:03:56.000 That's what's going to happen in the future. 0.93
00:03:57.000 Because all these fucking goofy rules where it's like, you go over 120 minutes and you got this fee because you got an overage fee and all that nonsense. 0.95
00:04:07.000 Can you imagine? 0.98
00:04:07.000 If one of the big-name guys did that, they would ruin everybody. 0.98
00:04:11.000 Because they're like, oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
00:04:13.000 Let's go to this other big-name place.
00:04:15.000 I think in the future, that's the only way they're going to do it.
00:04:17.000 I really do.
00:04:18.000 I think Ting is way ahead of the curve.
00:04:19.000 They're also ahead of the curve.
00:04:21.000 They had, on their two-year anniversary, they just, for no reason, just decided to slash all their prices.
00:04:25.000 They're like, we got better deals, so we're going to give better deals to you guys.
00:04:28.000 All their prices on data.
00:04:29.000 If you're a heavy user, a heavy internet user especially, the data prices on Ting are fantastic.
00:04:35.000 Ninety-eight percent of people would save money with Ting.
00:04:38.000 Ninety-eight percent.
00:04:39.000 That's real numbers, I think.
00:04:40.000 Go to their website.
00:04:41.000 They apparently have some statistics.
00:04:43.000 Twenty-one dollars is the average monthly bill per device for Ting customers.
00:04:46.000 I know you pay more than twenty-one bucks.
00:04:48.000 Go to rogan.ting.com and save an additional twenty-five bucks off of any of those new delicious Android devices.
00:04:54.000 That's rogan.ting.com.
00:04:56.000 We are also brought to you last and foremost by Onnit.
00:05:00.000 O-N-N-I-T. A human optimization website.
00:05:04.000 What we sell on it is all things that we have found to improve you, improve your mind, improve your endurance, improve your mood.
00:05:11.000 If we find things that prove to be good, if we look at the research and it makes sense, we post all that research along with references.
00:05:19.000 All the stuff that we sell, whether it's...
00:05:21.000 The controversial things like alpha brain and shroom tech and new mood.
00:05:25.000 What you're dealing with alpha brain and new mood, you're dealing with these things called nootropics.
00:05:29.000 What nootropics are is vitamins and nutrients that have been shown to have a positive impact on cognitive function.
00:05:36.000 It's very controversial stuff.
00:05:37.000 If you, you know, you Google online... 0.91
00:05:39.000 You can find people that say that vitamins aren't necessary and they're bullshit and they don't do anything for you.
00:05:44.000 Nutrients, all you need is what you get from your food. 0.99
00:05:46.000 Do you know how much fucking weird grasses and moss you would have to eat to get some of the nutrients that's in something like AlphaBrain? 0.96
00:05:53.000 You're not going to get it from your food, man. 0.99
00:05:56.000 Like, is it better to have a healthy diet than just to eat a shitty diet and take supplements? 0.98
00:06:01.000 Abso-fucking-lutely. 0.95
00:06:03.000 Healthy diet is number one. 0.90
00:06:05.000 It's the most important thing.
00:06:06.000 But for optimization, for optimization meaning making your body and your brain function at its very peak, at its best, when you feel the smoothest, the longest, the most often, you can do that with supplementation better than you can without supplementation.
00:06:20.000 This is from anecdotal evidence, my personal evidence, like my personal experience rather, and it's also from research.
00:06:26.000 All the research available at Onnit.com, including our own double-blind placebo studies that we did on AlphaBrain.
00:06:32.000 We did one, showed positive results.
00:06:34.000 We're doing a much larger one now. 0.94
00:06:36.000 What we're trying to do on it is just sell you the shit that we find that works as far as strength and fitness equipment, the strength and conditioning equipment we sell like kettlebells and battle ropes and weight vests, steel maces. 0.91
00:06:49.000 All these different things are great for functional strength. 0.98
00:06:52.000 No bullshits, no gimmicks, no fat loss nonsense.
00:06:55.000 If we find it, it's got to work before we sell it.
00:06:58.000 And we look into it very, very thoroughly.
00:07:01.000 We also have a 100% money back guarantee on any of the supplements.
00:07:06.000 90 days, 30 pills.
00:07:08.000 The first bottle of 30 pills, 100% money back guarantee.
00:07:10.000 You don't even have to return the product. 0.99
00:07:11.000 We're trying to sell you the best shit we can find. 0.92
00:07:14.000 Go to O-N-N-I-T, use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. 1.00
00:07:20.000 Alright, you fucks. 0.99
00:07:22.000 Mad Flavor, a.k.a. 1.00
00:07:23.000 Joe Diaz.
00:07:23.000 And they also have to stay on a program where they mail you the stuff every month automatically to your house.
00:07:28.000 Yes.
00:07:29.000 On the 1st.
00:07:30.000 Tremendous.
00:07:30.000 You can't beat that and you get 20% off.
00:07:32.000 Enter Rogan, whatever in the box, and get the motherfucking 20% off. 0.96
00:07:36.000 They deliver it to your house. 0.96
00:07:38.000 You can put it on program.
00:07:39.000 You get your alpha brain, your shroom tech.
00:07:40.000 You can rotate it, because I talked to Mr. Rios.
00:07:43.000 You can rotate the stock.
00:07:44.000 We're in.
00:07:45.000 So whatever you need, they'll send it to you the first of the month. 0.99
00:07:48.000 You have to sit there and go back on the fucking computer. 0.99
00:07:50.000 Try it for 90 days. 1.00
00:07:51.000 Yeah, the Get On It program has been very successful.
00:07:53.000 Tremendous.
00:07:54.000 Go there, get your freak on.
00:07:56.000 Joey Diaz is here.
00:07:58.000 Come on.
00:08:02.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.
00:08:04.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night!
00:08:07.000 All day!
00:08:10.000 Boom, Sherlock, lock, boom. 1.00
00:08:12.000 Joey motherfucking Diaz. 0.99
00:08:14.000 What's up, my brother? 0.99
00:08:15.000 You're violating state law.
00:08:16.000 You got an electronic cigarette in the house.
00:08:17.000 What am I going to do?
00:08:18.000 I have a question for you while we're on it because I always have questions for you and I forget to talk to you.
00:08:23.000 About a month ago, somebody posted the mushrooms, the quadriceps mushrooms.
00:08:27.000 Cordyceps, yeah.
00:08:28.000 Cordyceps that are in Shroom Tech and they had like what this mushroom looks like in 10 years and how it gets fungi and this is what it does to inside your system. 1.00
00:08:36.000 That's all bullshit. 0.99
00:08:38.000 It does inside your system. 1.00
00:08:39.000 Like inside your body, what it does is lose the shit. 1.00
00:08:42.000 Look, there's a lot of mushrooms people eat on a daily basis. 1.00
00:08:44.000 Like fungus is a normal part of people's diets.
00:08:47.000 You know, when you eat shiitake mushrooms, you're eating a fungus.
00:08:51.000 You're eating something that's a fungus.
00:08:53.000 You know, your whole body's filled with little growing organisms.
00:08:56.000 But no, cordyceps and mushrooms are not going to grow inside your body.
00:08:59.000 Make roots. 1.00
00:09:00.000 Create fucking plants that come out of your nose. 1.00
00:09:02.000 It's one of those ads on Facebook they show. 1.00
00:09:04.000 Like, if you eat cordyceps mushrooms, this is what happens to your system.
00:09:06.000 Well, there's a bunch of different kinds of cordyceps mushrooms, too.
00:09:09.000 There's two different types in Shroom Tech Sport.
00:09:14.000 Two different types of cordyceps mushrooms.
00:09:15.000 Now, when you do the Shroom Tech Sport, it's not that you get hyped.
00:09:19.000 I don't get hyped.
00:09:20.000 No.
00:09:20.000 I just feel it at the end.
00:09:22.000 Like, when I'm like, I look at the clock and I go, usually I leave at this time.
00:09:25.000 I'm like, I got one more in there.
00:09:27.000 Yeah, you get an extra round or two.
00:09:28.000 I got one more in me.
00:09:29.000 I got another one in me.
00:09:31.000 You know what it came from?
00:09:32.000 It came from these high-altitude herders.
00:09:34.000 They were, like, moving cattle around, and they found that when these animals would eat these certain mushrooms, they'd be noticeably more lively.
00:09:43.000 So they realize it's probably something to do with oxygen production.
00:09:46.000 I guess if you go to certain places in the world, it makes sense that there's certain foods that would be good that grow in that to help you deal with certain aspects of the environment that's challenging, like high-altitude.
00:09:58.000 You know what it's like.
00:09:59.000 You go to Denver.
00:10:01.000 You go up the flight of stairs and you're like, woo!
00:10:04.000 Whenever they have a UFC card in Denver, I'm always like, alright, here we go.
00:10:08.000 They had Ben Rothwell and Mark Hunt, two dudes not exactly known to be triathletes, go to a fight in Denver.
00:10:15.000 And it was a crazy fight, man.
00:10:17.000 It was just a ridiculous, crazy fight where both guys almost died. 0.95
00:10:20.000 They both almost had heart attacks.
00:10:22.000 You're fighting at 5,500 feet above sea level. 1.00
00:10:25.000 You weigh 265 fucking pounds. 0.99
00:10:28.000 How long before? 1.00
00:10:29.000 It says six weeks to acclimate.
00:10:32.000 That's what they say, but I don't think for fun.
00:10:34.000 I talked to a guy who lived there who was a triathlete, and he told me that he moved there for his training.
00:10:39.000 Right, that's what they did.
00:10:39.000 Yeah, like a lot of those endurance athletes moved there.
00:10:42.000 He was in Boulder.
00:10:43.000 And he told me it takes three years.
00:10:46.000 Three full years before your body is like, right how you are right now, if you're in Burbank, boom!
00:10:51.000 Right now, Joey Diaz, you would have to, to get to be this level of comfort with your breathing environment and with the oxygen level in the air, it would take you approximately three years to get 100%.
00:11:00.000 But you get pretty close.
00:11:02.000 Within the first five weeks.
00:11:03.000 When those fighters go to Denver, how long?
00:11:05.000 Do they go two weeks, maybe, and train a little bit?
00:11:07.000 There's a lot of debate on that.
00:11:09.000 What they're thinking now is that what you should do is not train at altitude.
00:11:13.000 What they think now is that you should train at sea level, but then sleep at altitude.
00:11:17.000 So if that's the case, you don't have to go anywhere.
00:11:19.000 B.J. Penn had one of those tents that he would set up in his house, and when he would go to bed at night, he would sleep in this oxygen tent.
00:11:26.000 And it simulated being at high altitude.
00:11:30.000 So that's what guys are using now.
00:11:32.000 They're using these tents. 0.99
00:11:33.000 It was funny, because BJ set it up, and he goes, it was really funny as he was setting it up, he goes, when I gotta sleep in a tent, someone's getting their ass kicked. 0.99
00:11:42.000 He's setting up this fucking plastic tent in his living room, you know? 0.99
00:11:46.000 It's wild. 0.99
00:11:48.000 I was just in Utah, in Salt Lake City, and that also has elevation.
00:11:52.000 Yeah.
00:11:53.000 You don't remember.
00:11:54.000 You just go out and do something.
00:11:55.000 There's BJ sleeping in a tent.
00:11:57.000 Back it up so Joey can see it.
00:11:59.000 Is that Pat Cummins?
00:11:59.000 No, I got it.
00:12:00.000 I got it.
00:12:00.000 Anthony Gonzalez.
00:12:02.000 Who is he?
00:12:03.000 I don't know.
00:12:04.000 He's just a football player.
00:12:05.000 Oh, yeah.
00:12:06.000 A lot of guys do this now. 1.00
00:12:07.000 They sleep in these fucking tents. 1.00
00:12:08.000 I know when they play football in Denver, that's murder. 1.00
00:12:11.000 When people come in and visit, they got a flight on Monday and they get to practice the whole week.
00:12:15.000 The NFL does, you know, and colleges do because you got to do something just to acclimate. 0.99
00:12:20.000 You've got to ramp up for that shit. 0.93
00:12:22.000 You should ramp up your training and your cardio beforehand anyway just to deal with the fact that you're going to... 0.99
00:12:28.000 Some guys don't have to do anything.
00:12:29.000 They're just in such good shape.
00:12:30.000 They get up to Denver.
00:12:31.000 They deal with it a little bit.
00:12:33.000 They feel it a little bit.
00:12:33.000 But they're in such good shape they can just push forward.
00:12:35.000 And that's amazing when you walk around the city of Boulder, per se.
00:12:38.000 And you walk around.
00:12:39.000 You're there for six weeks.
00:12:40.000 And you get acclimated and everything or whatever they say.
00:12:43.000 And you start getting used to it.
00:12:44.000 And then you go skiing.
00:12:46.000 And that's what you really find.
00:12:48.000 Because...
00:12:48.000 There's a level on the mountains that it's just brutal.
00:12:52.000 It's just fucking brutal. 0.96
00:12:53.000 Yeah, like 11,000 feet when you get up there. 0.99
00:12:55.000 And here's the fucking crazy thing. 0.98
00:12:56.000 A lot of people decide to eat up there. 0.99
00:12:58.000 And that's when you're in trouble.
00:12:59.000 Really?
00:13:00.000 Your body can't handle. 1.00
00:13:02.000 No shit. 1.00
00:13:03.000 A little while up there. 1.00
00:13:05.000 I'm talking up there.
00:13:06.000 11,000 feet.
00:13:06.000 You could ski down it.
00:13:07.000 That's fine.
00:13:08.000 We ski, and then we get to the bottom, and we go up, and you get your momentum, and you ski, and you get...
00:13:12.000 It's when people stop up there, and they hang out for an hour, and they eat.
00:13:15.000 They got altitude sickness, high altitude.
00:13:17.000 You know there's a high altitude sickness? 1.00
00:13:19.000 It's a motherfucker. 0.99
00:13:19.000 It's like being seasick. 0.99
00:13:21.000 Really?
00:13:21.000 It's like being seasick.
00:13:22.000 You just want to lay down.
00:13:23.000 It makes sense, man.
00:13:24.000 Yeah.
00:13:25.000 Because living at 8,500 feet, when you go up a flight of stairs, anytime you go up a flight of stairs, you got to go...
00:13:33.000 I never go up a flight of stairs and take a big deep breath, but in Boulder, you take a big deep breath.
00:13:39.000 And you can imagine that if you go higher than that, go like 11,000, like 8,000 to 5,000 is a big difference. 0.99
00:13:46.000 So I've got to imagine 11 is like some next level shit. 1.00
00:13:49.000 Next level shit. 1.00
00:13:50.000 And it's crazy because when you're up there for a while, you're tired. 1.00
00:13:53.000 You don't have to do anything.
00:13:54.000 Just talk to people up there.
00:13:56.000 It just puts your body through something.
00:13:58.000 Because the first time I moved to Colorado, I didn't go to Boulder.
00:14:02.000 I went to Aspen.
00:14:04.000 And all I felt like doing was sleeping.
00:14:06.000 When I was 18, I don't even sleep now at 50. At 18, I didn't fucking sleep. 0.99
00:14:10.000 Who slept? 0.99
00:14:11.000 And man, for like three weeks, all I could do was fucking sleep. 0.98
00:14:14.000 I couldn't take it no more. 0.99
00:14:15.000 Wow.
00:14:16.000 It was just that heavy.
00:14:17.000 I passed out up there smoking pot the first time, too.
00:14:20.000 I took a big old bong hit. 1.00
00:14:21.000 Next thing you know, they're picking me up off the fucking floor. 0.99
00:14:24.000 First day in Aspen, on a Sunday afternoon, I went to some people's house over... 0.99
00:14:29.000 It was Galena Street.
00:14:30.000 They had an apartment.
00:14:31.000 I went up there, blah, blah, blah.
00:14:32.000 Want to do a bong?
00:14:33.000 Yeah, I'm a tough guy.
00:14:35.000 Boom! 0.99
00:14:36.000 Bam! 1.00
00:14:36.000 Bump in the head, ice cubes in your head. 1.00
00:14:40.000 Fucking tremendous. 1.00
00:14:41.000 We had to catch a Fear Factor executive in New York. 1.00
00:14:45.000 We had to catch her because she passed out on the street. 1.00
00:14:47.000 Stepped outside of a bar.
00:14:48.000 This is after September 11th.
00:14:50.000 It was the coolest time to be in New York, man. 0.97
00:14:52.000 Everybody was so goddamn friendly. 0.92
00:14:53.000 It was like less than a year since the attacks. 0.98
00:14:56.000 We're filming.
00:14:56.000 Maybe a year.
00:14:57.000 I don't know.
00:14:58.000 I want to say it's 2002 somewhere.
00:15:00.000 And so we're standing outside this bar and I go, who wants some of this? 0.99
00:15:04.000 Come on, pussies. 1.00
00:15:05.000 Who wants some of this? 1.00
00:15:06.000 I pulled out a joint.
00:15:07.000 And they got crazy.
00:15:08.000 They go, come on.
00:15:09.000 We'll do it.
00:15:09.000 We'll do it with you.
00:15:10.000 I'm like, oh my goodness. 1.00
00:15:11.000 You guys are fucked. 1.00
00:15:12.000 Like, they don't have any idea. 1.00
00:15:13.000 Like, non-smokers have no idea.
00:15:15.000 I mean, they might have smoked weed a little bit in college. 1.00
00:15:17.000 You don't know what the fuck you're getting into. 1.00
00:15:18.000 You have no idea how crazy this weed is. 1.00
00:15:21.000 Oh my goodness.
00:15:22.000 So she took one hit, and she's standing there.
00:15:24.000 And then you see her eyes, like, slowly start to roll back.
00:15:27.000 And I see her body give in.
00:15:29.000 And we just rushed in and caught her.
00:15:30.000 We're like, whoa.
00:15:31.000 And then we called the ambulance.
00:15:33.000 No, you didn't.
00:15:34.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:15:35.000 Didn't know what was going on.
00:15:36.000 She had had a few health issues too, so we were a little worried.
00:15:39.000 Like something might be going on other than the weed, you know?
00:15:41.000 So we called her.
00:15:43.000 Called an ambulance for her.
00:15:45.000 But it's weird watching someone black out from weed.
00:15:48.000 I told that story about that one person in college that she took one hit of a joint or a bong or whatever it was.
00:15:55.000 She stood up and just started running as fast as she could into the bathroom and trips over the bathtub and smashes her head into the wall. 1.00
00:16:02.000 And she had no idea why.
00:16:04.000 She said her body just took over and she didn't know it. 0.55
00:16:07.000 She blacked out and she just started running.
00:16:09.000 That should be the commercial.
00:16:10.000 Weed.
00:16:11.000 It's not for everybody.
00:16:12.000 It's not.
00:16:14.000 Not anymore.
00:16:15.000 Nothing's for everybody.
00:16:16.000 Not anymore. 1.00
00:16:17.000 Nothing's for everybody, including, you know, fucking cats. 0.99
00:16:21.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:16:21.000 You know? 0.99
00:16:22.000 I know a lady who's allergic to chickens. 1.00
00:16:24.000 She's like, I love chickens, but I'm allergic to them. 1.00
00:16:26.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00
00:16:27.000 You're allergic to chickens? 1.00
00:16:29.000 How are you allergic to chickens?
00:16:31.000 How does that even happen?
00:16:32.000 You can't even pick up a chicken? 1.00
00:16:34.000 When I was a kid, I was allergic to dogs like a motherfucker. 1.00
00:16:37.000 I mean, doctor. 0.99
00:16:39.000 I had to go to a doctor if I had contact with a dog.
00:16:41.000 But you're not like that now.
00:16:42.000 Over the years, I just kept playing with them.
00:16:44.000 I couldn't live like that.
00:16:45.000 I couldn't live like that no more.
00:16:46.000 That's interesting.
00:16:47.000 It was a horrible way to live.
00:16:48.000 If I went to somebody's house as a child and they had a collie or something, and when you're a kid, somebody got a collie, you're like, ah! 0.97
00:16:55.000 I couldn't fucking touch this collie, you know? 0.85
00:16:57.000 When you're a kid and somebody got a collie, that's it. 1.00
00:17:00.000 That's Lassie, motherfucker. 1.00
00:17:02.000 That's as good as it gets. 1.00
00:17:03.000 And my godmother had a collie, and my mom would go, you can't go in the house. 1.00
00:17:06.000 I gotta fucking go in the house. 0.98
00:17:08.000 I gotta see him. 1.00
00:17:08.000 They called him Lassie, and I would hug them and an hour later my eyes would be like fuck and I got punched in the face. 1.00
00:17:14.000 Both of them. 1.00
00:17:15.000 Wow.
00:17:16.000 And they'd make me wash my hands. 1.00
00:17:17.000 After an hour they'd go to the hospital, they'd put some whatever in the eye and then they'd tell me not to fuck with the dogs. 0.99
00:17:21.000 After eight times I said, bro, dogs were my fucking thorn in my side when I was a kid. 0.99
00:17:27.000 If I'm getting bit, I got bit in the face. 0.99
00:17:29.000 I got bit in the leg.
00:17:30.000 I kept getting bit.
00:17:32.000 Wow.
00:17:32.000 Stoberman Pinches kept biting me.
00:17:34.000 German Shepherds kept biting me.
00:17:35.000 Well, dogs don't bite kids because kids will grab their face. 1.00
00:17:37.000 No, I never harassed them with my fear.
00:17:39.000 I had such a fear of them.
00:17:41.000 And then one time in Spanish Harlem, a guy used to walk past me every day in the summer, and he had two dogs, and he would say, don't say hello to my dogs.
00:17:50.000 You know, don't talk to my dogs.
00:17:52.000 We'd go, okay, because I was trying to work over the fear.
00:17:54.000 I knew that somebody said, you got to play with them.
00:17:56.000 If not, they're going to keep biting you.
00:17:58.000 And bro, after a summer one day, I didn't say hello to the dogs. 1.00
00:18:01.000 Like, the dogs were broke by, and the female came back and bit me in the fucking leg. 1.00
00:18:04.000 Because you should have said hello. 1.00
00:18:06.000 You told me not to fucking talk to them! 0.99
00:18:08.000 So this is that time. 0.99
00:18:09.000 Like, I haven't been scared of dogs at all.
00:18:12.000 At all.
00:18:12.000 Well, there's some people that have bad dogs, though.
00:18:14.000 There's some people that just have bad dogs. 0.99
00:18:16.000 They didn't take care of their dog, they raised a shitty dog, and their dog's dangerous. 0.99
00:18:20.000 That's a fact. 0.99
00:18:22.000 Listen, man, dogs just, you know, they don't know. 0.99
00:18:25.000 They don't fucking know. 0.99
00:18:26.000 They don't fucking know. 1.00
00:18:28.000 You know, you can't... 1.00
00:18:28.000 Every day we hear about a dog attack or some shit. 1.00
00:18:31.000 You don't fucking know. 0.99
00:18:32.000 Well, it's weird. 0.99
00:18:32.000 We're living with animals. 0.99
00:18:34.000 We've got this weird animal that we allow to live with us, and, you know, it protects you, which means, what protects you means, it protects you from other people.
00:18:42.000 I mean, when was the last time you heard about a dog protecting someone from an animal?
00:18:45.000 It's pretty rare, right?
00:18:47.000 They're protecting you from other people.
00:18:49.000 And so you got a dog that's trained to bite people, which is very strange.
00:18:52.000 Animals that you have around you that are essentially like trained weapons, trained to go after people.
00:18:58.000 Like when people have those attack shepherds.
00:19:00.000 Remember when George Foreman?
00:19:01.000 When George Foreman fought Muhammad Ali, he brought his German shepherd to Zaire. 0.99
00:19:05.000 And it was this big deal because the black people that lived there, the actual Africans that lived there, fucking hated German shepherds. 0.99
00:19:13.000 Because German Shepherds are the dogs that the cops had. 0.99
00:19:15.000 The cops had.
00:19:16.000 So they saw George Foreman as like the enemy. 1.00
00:19:19.000 And Muhammad Ali played on that like a motherfucker. 1.00
00:19:22.000 He played on that like a motherfucker and realized that George had fucked up by bringing this German Shepherd with him to Africa. 1.00
00:19:28.000 And that's where the Ali, Bumbaye, Ali, Bumbaye. 1.00
00:19:32.000 A lot of that had to do with George Foreman walking around.
00:19:34.000 Now who else did Ali fight in Africa?
00:19:36.000 Just him.
00:19:37.000 Yeah, in the Philippines, he fought Joe Frazier.
00:19:39.000 Joe Frazier, the thrill in Manila.
00:19:41.000 Yep, the thrill in Manila.
00:19:43.000 That's the place where he pointed the gun on him from the bottom. 0.98
00:19:45.000 Joe Frazier was on his balcony and shit getting sun and Muhammad Ali said, Joe Frazier! 0.99
00:19:49.000 And he pointed like a stardust pistol at him. 0.99
00:19:52.000 Did he really?
00:19:52.000 Yeah, it's crazy.
00:19:53.000 You know, Muhammad Ali was crazy in a funny way.
00:19:55.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.97
00:19:56.000 Like he was crazy in a funny way.
00:19:58.000 Well, Zaire was, you know that video I showed you, James Brown?
00:20:01.000 Uh-huh.
00:20:02.000 The first time I came on your podcast?
00:20:03.000 Dun-dun-dun-dun.
00:20:04.000 That's where the video was taken because it was George Foreman against Muhammad Ali.
00:20:09.000 Don King said, wait a second, I ain't stealing enough. 0.99
00:20:12.000 On this fight, I might as well get a musical performance, get a bunch of motherfuckers out here, steal from them too, and I just rob a bunch of black people all at once, right? 1.00
00:20:21.000 So he robbed, he got the Spinners, he got James Brown, he got all these black bands to go to fucking Zaire and perform as a music festival, Celia Cruz, he got the Fonny All-Stars, he got just all these black bands. 0.99
00:20:39.000 And what happened? 0.99
00:20:39.000 He probably just stiffed them and shit. 0.99
00:20:43.000 Probably just stiffed him, too. 0.99
00:20:44.000 He's like, I didn't make enough money.
00:20:46.000 They were going to cancel that fight.
00:20:47.000 Something was wrong with that fight.
00:20:49.000 I don't know.
00:20:50.000 If you look it up, something happened.
00:20:51.000 It was going to get pushed back.
00:20:52.000 Oh, really?
00:20:53.000 But he had the music already set up.
00:20:55.000 It's very interesting that they made a movie about it called Soul Power.
00:21:00.000 And that's Zai.
00:21:01.000 Who's the guy that sings Lovely Day?
00:21:03.000 Lovely Day.
00:21:04.000 Bill Withers.
00:21:05.000 I don't remember.
00:21:07.000 Yeah, Bill Withers is in that movie. 0.99
00:21:09.000 Fucking tremendous. 0.97
00:21:11.000 They made a documentary about that fight, too, right? 0.99
00:21:13.000 Yes.
00:21:13.000 When We Were Kings.
00:21:14.000 Did you ever see that?
00:21:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:16.000 I watched it.
00:21:16.000 I watched pieces of it.
00:21:18.000 I never watched the whole thing.
00:21:19.000 Good?
00:21:19.000 Not bad.
00:21:20.000 As much as you could watch those, but there's a great picture of Muhammad Ali.
00:21:24.000 We're good to go.
00:21:47.000 That was one of Don King's first fights.
00:21:49.000 Was it really?
00:21:50.000 Yeah.
00:21:50.000 It's apparently one of his first ventures, according to Wikipedia, as a professional boxing promoter.
00:21:55.000 And he managed to get Ali and Foreman to sign separate contracts saying they would fight for him if he could get a $5 million purse.
00:22:02.000 And then he took that and then he went to this other company.
00:22:05.000 He had to go to an outside country for the event because he didn't have the money.
00:22:09.000 So Zaire's president, ready for this name?
00:22:13.000 Mobutu Sese Siko.
00:22:17.000 We're good to go. 0.99
00:22:37.000 What a fucking fight that was, too. 0.99
00:22:38.000 That was a great fight. 1.00
00:22:39.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
00:22:39.000 What a fucking fight that was. 1.00
00:22:41.000 That was one of Muhammad Ali's greatest performances ever because nobody thought he was going to win. 0.99
00:22:46.000 Nobody.
00:22:46.000 Nobody.
00:22:47.000 People don't understand what George Foreman was.
00:22:49.000 71 or 72, brother?
00:22:50.000 74. Wow.
00:22:52.000 People don't realize what a motherfucker George Foreman was back then. 1.00
00:22:55.000 He was a motherfucker. 1.00
00:22:57.000 He hit hard. 1.00
00:22:58.000 He hit hard, and he was like a silent Ali. 0.95
00:23:00.000 He didn't do a lot of talking, but he was just thugged to the max.
00:23:05.000 He was so dangerous.
00:23:07.000 When he fought Joe Frazier and picked him up with a punch, he hit Joe Frazier so hard he went up into the air.
00:23:12.000 He was just a different thing.
00:23:14.000 You know, Joe Frazier was no walk in the park either. 0.99
00:23:16.000 Fuck no, he wasn't. 0.99
00:23:17.000 Those are three dudes. 1.00
00:23:19.000 Those are some scary fucking heavyweights. 1.00
00:23:21.000 I think Joe Frazier's a really scary guy with that fucking left hook of his. 1.00
00:23:25.000 It hits you like a fucking bomb, one of that hook he had. 1.00
00:23:29.000 It was like a moving hook. 1.00
00:23:30.000 Yeah, he was tremendous.
00:23:32.000 It's hard to do that, like, to just come up like that, ba-ba-ba-bam! 0.94
00:23:36.000 He would throw his whole body into that hook.
00:23:37.000 His whole body.
00:23:37.000 I never see it.
00:23:38.000 Just fucking... 0.99
00:23:40.000 That hook that he knocked Muhammad Ali down with? 1.00
00:23:42.000 Oh, what a picture-perfect punch.
00:23:45.000 He would just swing into that thing.
00:23:47.000 Even if he knew it was coming.
00:23:49.000 Yeah.
00:23:49.000 Even if he knew.
00:23:50.000 Once you saw him ducking like that, once you saw him taking that little step, that little crotch, whatever that's called. 0.93
00:23:55.000 He would do that shell, too, that Philly shell.
00:23:57.000 Where he put like one hand up, one hand down, and bobbing and weaving and coming in, whipping shots. 1.00
00:24:03.000 Joe Frazier was a motherfucker. 1.00
00:24:04.000 How sad was him? 1.00
00:24:05.000 We used to go to Philly.
00:24:06.000 We used to drive past his gym on the way in from the airport, that neighbor.
00:24:09.000 And he lived in his gym before he died.
00:24:10.000 Yeah.
00:24:11.000 Yeah, he went broke in the end.
00:24:13.000 Look, the amount of money that these guys make, for the time, look, they're talking about $5 million purses for Ali and Foreman. 0.98
00:24:19.000 If you had $5 million back then, that is a lot of goddamn money. 0.96
00:24:22.000 But guess what? 0.99
00:24:23.000 You live like you got $5 million. 0.99
00:24:25.000 So you're buying fucking Cadillacs and paying for this and paying for that and meals here and jets there. 0.98
00:24:32.000 Next thing you know, $5 million doesn't even make it to the 80s. 0.99
00:24:35.000 And you know the brothers are showing up at the door. 1.00
00:24:37.000 My long lost motherfucking cousin and shit. 1.00
00:24:40.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:24:40.000 Listen, man, we got a venture. 1.00
00:24:42.000 And this motherfucker can't go wrong. 1.00
00:24:45.000 Barbershops in white neighborhoods. 1.00
00:24:46.000 First year, you're going to make 30% of your investment.
00:24:49.000 Second year, 60% of your investment.
00:24:52.000 And they just hit you with some crazy speech.
00:24:55.000 How many of those you ever had to deal with?
00:24:57.000 Three.
00:24:59.000 Oh, you get them all the time.
00:25:00.000 I had to deal with one recently.
00:25:02.000 Movies.
00:25:03.000 TV shows.
00:25:04.000 You get them constantly.
00:25:05.000 Just ear beatings.
00:25:06.000 And you sit there and you're like, why did I even come here?
00:25:08.000 Listen, man, I'm not a movie producer.
00:25:10.000 All you have to do is give us a check and we'll do the rest.
00:25:14.000 You don't have to do anything.
00:25:15.000 You don't have to worry about it.
00:25:16.000 Yes, I do.
00:25:16.000 I have to worry about it.
00:25:18.000 No, no, no, you don't have to worry about it.
00:25:19.000 No, no, I do have to worry about it.
00:25:20.000 If I give you money, I'm going to worry about it. 0.98
00:25:22.000 Get out of here with your crazy idea.
00:25:23.000 There's a reason why they have banks, okay? 0.65
00:25:25.000 Go to the bank. 1.00
00:25:26.000 If you have a really good idea and you have credit, go to the fucking bank. 1.00
00:25:29.000 If you don't have credit, I gotta assume somewhere along the line you've already made some poor fucking choices. 0.99
00:25:33.000 I don't want to be involved in that. 0.97
00:25:36.000 Everybody has this idea that they're going to figure out how to circumvent this time-honored system of Hollywood, and then we're going to get to Joe Diaz.
00:25:44.000 If I can get to Joe Diaz, I know Joe Diaz has been killing it on the road.
00:25:48.000 If he can give me just $2,000, and I can start this film, you know, Quentin Tarantino does his...
00:25:53.000 Kevin Smith made Clerks.
00:25:56.000 And they just think that all they need is a couple grand from Joey Diaz.
00:26:00.000 Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey.
00:26:01.000 You can't go wrong.
00:26:02.000 Okay?
00:26:03.000 Nobody makes movies like me.
00:26:04.000 Okay, Joey?
00:26:05.000 They just don't want me in.
00:26:06.000 They don't want me in, Joey.
00:26:08.000 They don't want me in, Joey Diaz.
00:26:10.000 They want to keep me on the outside.
00:26:12.000 No, you get them for your time.
00:26:13.000 It's not even that you get them for money.
00:26:14.000 It's you get them for your time.
00:26:16.000 Yeah.
00:26:16.000 Look at you, what you're living through.
00:26:17.000 You're busy.
00:26:18.000 Yeah.
00:26:18.000 You're swamped.
00:26:19.000 There's no more.
00:26:20.000 There's no more.
00:26:21.000 I keep telling people that and they get mad at me.
00:26:22.000 No, they don't understand.
00:26:23.000 When you have children, there's no schedule.
00:26:25.000 I can't count on my schedule, bro. 0.99
00:26:27.000 At 1020, she wouldn't get off my fucking lap watching one, two, three videos on YouTube. 1.00
00:26:32.000 At 1030, I went to pick her up. 0.99
00:26:35.000 Like, let's go.
00:26:35.000 What?
00:26:36.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:26:37.000 What were you fucking talking about? 0.99
00:26:38.000 I'll be back in a couple hours. 1.00
00:26:40.000 They don't know what the fuck that means. 0.99
00:26:41.000 No, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking. 1.00
00:26:41.000 You don't have no fucking idea what it is. 1.00
00:26:44.000 And I went to go into the room at 9.30 to get out of there. 0.99
00:26:47.000 I was going to get out of there early. 1.00
00:26:49.000 That little bitch opened the gate up. 1.00
00:26:52.000 I heard those stomping, and right there, there's no argument. 1.00
00:26:55.000 She just puts her hands up.
00:26:56.000 Got to pick her up. 0.95
00:26:57.000 Got to put YouTube on.
00:26:58.000 I got to sit there with her.
00:26:59.000 One, two, three, four, five.
00:27:02.000 You know, and then she, again, daddy, okay. 1.00
00:27:04.000 Well, the problem with people asking you to do things, too, is that you got to do this shit for yourself, okay? 0.97
00:27:09.000 The way to do it is not to go through other people and ask people to pick you up and help you. 0.97
00:27:15.000 That's not how it works.
00:27:16.000 It doesn't work that way. 0.79
00:27:18.000 Everybody thinks they're gonna figure out some fucking shortcut because they know you or they know this guy or that guy.
00:27:24.000 There's no shortcuts in creating something. 1.00
00:27:27.000 Just figure it out, bitch. 1.00
00:27:28.000 I love stand-up because there's one part of me that doesn't need anybody. 1.00
00:27:34.000 I need a notebook right here.
00:27:35.000 This is my tools for stand-up.
00:27:38.000 And a person. 0.99
00:27:38.000 I'll go to Bob's fucking coffee house on North Hollywood and do three minutes. 0.99
00:27:43.000 You know me. 1.00
00:27:44.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99
00:27:45.000 We talked about having a band, that somebody came on here and said that it was the toughest thing in the world for a band to stay together. 0.99
00:27:52.000 You got four people personalities, you know.
00:27:55.000 You get these people that come to you now, and I was breaking it down for you on the plane, and they'll say, hey, Joe, how you doing?
00:27:59.000 My name is this.
00:28:00.000 Read my script.
00:28:01.000 Do you like it?
00:28:02.000 Yeah.
00:28:02.000 We're going to get $8 million.
00:28:03.000 And then you go, okay, when you get it, call me.
00:28:05.000 I really like this script.
00:28:06.000 Something you're interested in.
00:28:07.000 Whatever.
00:28:07.000 Three days.
00:28:08.000 All of a sudden you do get a call in a year later and they say, hey, we're making a movie.
00:28:12.000 But guess what?
00:28:13.000 We didn't get $2 million.
00:28:14.000 We got $200,000.
00:28:16.000 So instead of you getting $10,000 a week, you're going to get $100,000 a day.
00:28:20.000 And it's going to be a hit.
00:28:21.000 We're going to make it happen. 0.91
00:28:22.000 Nine out of ten, they run out of money for marketing and editing and the whole fucking thing, so your movie ends up in YouTube. 0.98
00:28:28.000 They don't have a legit schedule, so you have to work Saturdays and fucking Sundays. 0.97
00:28:33.000 Those people that are involved in those low-rent movies, too. 1.00
00:28:35.000 They're a fucking nightmare. 1.00
00:28:37.000 And it's their dream. 1.00
00:28:38.000 And I get it.
00:28:39.000 It's your dream. 1.00
00:28:40.000 But don't include me in this fucking thing. 0.99
00:28:42.000 Because you want me to do everything cheap, on my end, all the hours. 1.00
00:28:46.000 And it's your fucking dream. 0.99
00:28:48.000 If it's that much of your dream, do me a favor. 1.00
00:28:50.000 Forget the 200 Gs.
00:28:51.000 Go get another 300 Gs. 1.00
00:28:52.000 And make this fucking work. 0.99
00:28:54.000 Well, not only that, you can find other actors out there that will do it for cheap. 0.99
00:28:57.000 There's people out there that just want to act, sort of like a comic will go to an open mic night.
00:29:01.000 There's certain actors that just want to do something to put it on a reel.
00:29:04.000 Go find them.
00:29:05.000 There's a lot of talented people out there that are not working. 0.99
00:29:07.000 As far as acting goes, there's a lot of fucking people that can do it. 0.98
00:29:11.000 There's a lot of talented people. 0.99
00:29:14.000 I just have a problem with people asking you to help them do it.
00:29:18.000 I get it from comics all the time, too, just looking for a break.
00:29:21.000 What are you talking about?
00:29:22.000 You're not going to get a break from another comic.
00:29:25.000 The way you get breaks is by going on stage and being funny.
00:29:27.000 Go to an open mic night, be funny. 0.98
00:29:29.000 The club will say, hey, Joey Diaz, you're fucking funny. 0.93
00:29:31.000 We would like you to come here more often. 0.98
00:29:33.000 The audience really enjoyed you.
00:29:34.000 Next thing you know, some manager says, you know what, Joey Diaz?
00:29:37.000 You're really funny.
00:29:38.000 We would like to think about taking you on as a client.
00:29:41.000 And that's how it works.
00:29:42.000 A comic coming along is not going to make you funny.
00:29:44.000 And then the people that do that, they always have a distorted perception of how good they are already.
00:29:50.000 You know, those kids that are asking for a break, the kids that want you to help them, hey man, I just need a break, if I could do a guest set for you, it would really help them. 0.94
00:29:56.000 Like, that's not, you don't go to the Doug Stanhope show and ask for a fucking guest, although Doug will probably put you up. 0.80
00:30:07.000 Doug will push a plug and open micro on his first time on stage. 0.96
00:30:11.000 He'll do that in front of a crowd in Norway or something.
00:30:13.000 But that's Stan Hope.
00:30:14.000 You know...
00:30:15.000 It's not normal.
00:30:17.000 You have to do...
00:30:18.000 It's amazing what people...
00:30:20.000 We weren't like that, thank God.
00:30:23.000 We knew that this took work.
00:30:26.000 We knew that this wasn't going to happen in one night.
00:30:29.000 I was old enough already when I started, I was long in the tooth already, that I knew this was just not going to, you know, you just didn't walk on stage and things happen.
00:30:36.000 And people come here and they're called desperados, where they just do, they'll come up to you for a guest set, and you've got to ask them, what is this going to do for you? 0.91
00:30:44.000 How is this going to fucking change your life? 0.85
00:30:45.000 It's like I've never been too much of a hanger-outer. 0.99
00:30:48.000 I don't believe in that. 1.00
00:30:49.000 I never believe in that shit. 0.99
00:30:51.000 You know, I believe in doing a spot. 1.00
00:30:53.000 If I go to the comedy stores, I'm doing a fucking spot. 0.94
00:30:55.000 If I don't go to the improv, my name isn't on that list. 0.98
00:30:59.000 To hang out.
00:31:00.000 There's no...
00:31:00.000 For me, there's no...
00:31:01.000 No!
00:31:02.000 No!
00:31:02.000 No!
00:31:03.000 Because if you come up to Joe Rogan, Red Band, or Jamie and go, Hi, Jamie.
00:31:07.000 My name is Joey Dears. 0.99
00:31:08.000 I'm a fucking comic. 0.98
00:31:09.000 I'm a funny comic. 0.99
00:31:11.000 Jamie's going to say, Are you going up tonight?
00:31:13.000 Because we all want to watch you.
00:31:14.000 I love to laugh.
00:31:15.000 Right.
00:31:15.000 You're funny.
00:31:16.000 Let's go.
00:31:17.000 No, I'm just here hanging out. 0.99
00:31:18.000 You ain't that fucking funny. 0.99
00:31:20.000 If you're not on the list, you ain't that fucking funny. 0.99
00:31:22.000 Or they don't know about you yet. 0.97
00:31:24.000 There's a possibility.
00:31:25.000 No, no, no.
00:31:25.000 There's certain people that go to the improv...
00:31:28.000 That's it.
00:31:29.000 And they'll tell you, dog, you gotta network.
00:31:30.000 What network?
00:31:31.000 You network on stage.
00:31:32.000 I network on stage.
00:31:33.000 When they laugh and I walk off, that's networking.
00:31:36.000 Well, not only that, when you're a comic, you're sort of like a fruit or a vegetable in that you're growing and then one day you're gonna be ripe.
00:31:43.000 And when you're gonna be ripe, everyone's gonna know about it.
00:31:45.000 People find out about you.
00:31:47.000 People found out about everybody.
00:31:49.000 They found out about you.
00:31:50.000 They found out about Hinchcliffe.
00:31:51.000 They found out about everybody.
00:31:52.000 You hear about Duncan.
00:31:53.000 Do you hear what's happening in China right now?
00:31:55.000 What's happening in China?
00:31:56.000 Ari's packing them in.
00:31:57.000 Oh yeah.
00:31:58.000 Every night.
00:31:59.000 And he goes, I can't believe it.
00:32:00.000 There's white people and UFC fans.
00:32:02.000 In China! 0.91
00:32:04.000 They're coming from Macau.
00:32:05.000 Yeah.
00:32:06.000 Okay, they're not big rooms.
00:32:07.000 They're 120-seater, 100-seaters.
00:32:09.000 It's like coffee shops.
00:32:10.000 Right.
00:32:11.000 But we're on the internet. 1.00
00:32:12.000 This shit is worldwide. 1.00
00:32:13.000 This is worldwide. 1.00
00:32:14.000 Yeah, this is worldwide.
00:32:15.000 He can't believe it. 0.99
00:32:16.000 That there's fucking people walking around here going, we came to see you from Macau. 0.99
00:32:20.000 I can't believe it took people so long to figure it out. 1.00
00:32:22.000 Ari's a fucking genius. 1.00
00:32:23.000 He's a great comic. 1.00
00:32:24.000 It's just amazing that people have misled.
00:32:28.000 They think there's shortcuts.
00:32:29.000 When we got here, what was the shortcut?
00:32:31.000 If you get on The Tonight Show?
00:32:33.000 Right.
00:32:34.000 That's it.
00:32:35.000 How many people have gone to Tonight Show and have great success?
00:32:37.000 No one cares.
00:32:38.000 Oh, now it doesn't.
00:32:40.000 No, but back in the day, it meant something big.
00:32:43.000 Stephen Wright days?
00:32:44.000 Yeah.
00:32:44.000 You get on Letterman.
00:32:45.000 That's it, man. 1.00
00:32:46.000 You're a fucking... 1.00
00:32:46.000 Roseanne Barr. 1.00
00:32:47.000 Yep.
00:32:48.000 Who you had on the show recently.
00:32:49.000 Went on.
00:32:50.000 You know who's a perfect example of a guy who paid his dues?
00:32:53.000 Who's just out there silently murdering? 0.99
00:32:55.000 Ian motherfucking Edwards. 1.00
00:32:57.000 Ian motherfucking Edwards. 1.00
00:32:59.000 People don't know. 0.98
00:33:00.000 Ian Edwards is one of the best comics in the country.
00:33:04.000 One of the very best.
00:33:06.000 Not like top 30. He's like top 20. Maybe even top 15. He's a murderer, dude.
00:33:13.000 He killed me the other night at the improv. 1.00
00:33:15.000 Killed me. 0.79
00:33:17.000 He's very subtle. 0.91
00:33:18.000 Subtle and perfect.
00:33:20.000 The jokes are perfect.
00:33:21.000 The perfect structure.
00:33:23.000 It's like he's got a perfect inflection.
00:33:26.000 Something.
00:33:26.000 He's slick and loose and relaxed on stage.
00:33:30.000 Sometimes I'm like, where's he going with this?
00:33:31.000 And he comes back with a left hook and just blasts me, dog, like Joe Frazier. 1.00
00:33:35.000 He's a killer, dude. 0.99
00:33:36.000 I like his voice because his voice kills me. 1.00
00:33:39.000 That's what I like about him.
00:33:40.000 His strength is how smooth he is.
00:33:42.000 He's got a new...
00:33:44.000 CD. Yeah, it's on...
00:33:45.000 CD, DVD. It's on Conan O'Brien's record label.
00:33:48.000 It's the first one.
00:33:49.000 It's called 100% Half-Assed.
00:33:50.000 It's really funny, man. 0.99
00:33:52.000 He's fucking really good right now. 0.90
00:33:53.000 I've known Ian since the 90s, dude. 0.98
00:33:56.000 I knew Ian in the early...
00:33:58.000 I think I knew him in 1990. So think about that.
00:34:01.000 24 years.
00:34:02.000 Yeah, I've known that dude for 20...
00:34:04.000 At least 23. I know I knew him when I lived in New York.
00:34:08.000 And that was like...
00:34:09.000 I think I moved to New York in 91...
00:34:12.000 So I knew him from then.
00:34:13.000 What a sweet guy.
00:34:14.000 Great guy.
00:34:15.000 Always been a great guy.
00:34:16.000 Always been a great guy.
00:34:18.000 I like it. 0.98
00:34:18.000 Can't say enough good shit about that dude. 0.98
00:34:21.000 And he's a vegan. 1.00
00:34:22.000 I don't even give a fuck. 1.00
00:34:23.000 He is? 1.00
00:34:24.000 Yeah, he's a vegetarian.
00:34:26.000 At the very least a vegetarian.
00:34:28.000 Dude's awesome. 0.99
00:34:29.000 So I got a shit in a cup on Friday. 0.99
00:34:31.000 So they sent me three of these. 0.99
00:34:33.000 I opened up the envelope the other day.
00:34:35.000 I swear to God.
00:34:35.000 What a segue, by the way.
00:34:36.000 I've done that. 1.00
00:34:37.000 Shit in a cup? 1.00
00:34:38.000 Yeah, three different little kind of test tubes. 1.00
00:34:40.000 You have to put pieces of poop in three different ones.
00:34:42.000 What's that for? 0.79
00:34:43.000 It's disgusting. 1.00
00:34:45.000 Why would I want to shit and mail it to somebody? 1.00
00:34:48.000 That's disgusting. 1.00
00:34:49.000 What are they testing you for?
00:34:50.000 Because they tested me for tapeworms from Bad Sushi.
00:34:53.000 No, everything.
00:34:53.000 I'm going in for the 50, and then the 4th, I've got to drink a potion for a day and vegetal.
00:34:59.000 Water, water, water, water.
00:35:00.000 Then Monday at 6 a.m., I go to Wilshire to see the Sinai.
00:35:04.000 They give me anesthesiologists. 1.00
00:35:05.000 They put a camera up my asshole. 1.00
00:35:07.000 They make sure there's nothing in there. 1.00
00:35:08.000 They pull it out.
00:35:09.000 And then you have to fart once.
00:35:11.000 Once you fart, you're good to go.
00:35:13.000 They let you go.
00:35:14.000 Have you ever had a dog that had worms?
00:35:17.000 Yes.
00:35:18.000 Have you ever seen it in their poop?
00:35:19.000 Yes. 0.84
00:35:19.000 The white thing's moving around? 0.84
00:35:20.000 It's awful.
00:35:21.000 It's the weirdest thing ever, man.
00:35:22.000 I had a dog. 0.99
00:35:22.000 She had worms, and when she'd poop, you would see it cut out of her ass. 0.99
00:35:28.000 On the edge of her little booty hole, there'd be little worms twisting and tweaking around, and they'd fall off. 1.00
00:35:34.000 It was disgusting. 0.95
00:35:35.000 She had to get some anti-worm medication and kill everything that was inside of her.
00:35:40.000 Yeah, I thought my current dog had it. 1.00
00:35:41.000 Because every time she shits, she wipes her ass. 1.00
00:35:44.000 After she shits, she just rubs her butt on the grass and then takes off. 1.00
00:35:47.000 And I'm like, oh, that means she has worms. 1.00
00:35:49.000 Sometimes it's just an itchy butt. 0.96
00:35:51.000 Yeah, she just doesn't. 0.98
00:35:52.000 Doesn't your butt itch sometimes? 1.00
00:35:54.000 Once a dog figures out they can rub their ass on the carpet, that's got to be pretty goddamn dynamic. 0.99
00:35:58.000 They get those toes up in the air. 0.99
00:36:00.000 You know that move?
00:36:00.000 Like they're doing yoga.
00:36:02.000 And then they start fucking scooting that butt along with the little toesies up. 1.00
00:36:06.000 Does your cat just non-stop puke all the time? 1.00
00:36:09.000 My cat is taken to this new habit of shitting in weird rooms in the house. 0.93
00:36:12.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:36:13.000 It's disgusting. 0.97
00:36:14.000 She's old. 0.97
00:36:15.000 Yeah.
00:36:15.000 She's old.
00:36:16.000 The cat is 18 years old.
00:36:17.000 She's really old. 0.56
00:36:18.000 They get dementia, too.
00:36:19.000 She doesn't know what's going on.
00:36:20.000 Yeah, they get dementia.
00:36:21.000 She mouths in the middle of the night.
00:36:22.000 In the middle of the night, she doesn't know where she is.
00:36:24.000 She just goes, meh! 1.00
00:36:24.000 Meow! 1.00
00:36:25.000 Meow!
00:36:27.000 And then you come out and you think she's dying.
00:36:29.000 You're like, why?
00:36:29.000 And she's like, meow!
00:36:30.000 And you're like, hey, fuckhead, don't be waking me up. 1.00
00:36:33.000 You're waking me up like you're screaming and yelling in the middle of the night. 1.00
00:36:35.000 You still love her?
00:36:35.000 You took her Instagram with her.
00:36:37.000 Yeah, she's a sweet cat. 1.00
00:36:37.000 That's sweet sometimes. 1.00
00:36:38.000 She's a sweet cat.
00:36:38.000 She's very needy, man.
00:36:40.000 Very needy.
00:36:41.000 If I want to get some work done, I'll sit down in my office.
00:36:44.000 Sometimes I have to put her out in the hallway because she'll just keep hopping in my lap. 1.00
00:36:46.000 I'm like, listen, bitch, I got to work. 1.00
00:36:48.000 But she looks at you like you're free massages. 1.00
00:36:52.000 She doesn't like anybody else in my house either because she doesn't like my little kids. 0.99
00:36:57.000 And she remembers my stepdaughter as a little kid too.
00:36:59.000 So she's no little kids. 0.99
00:37:01.000 She's like, get the fuck out. 1.00
00:37:02.000 Everybody out. 0.97
00:37:04.000 Out.
00:37:05.000 Everybody out.
00:37:06.000 She doesn't want to have nothing to do with kids. 1.00
00:37:08.000 So she just runs away from everybody in the house but me. 1.00
00:37:11.000 So when I'm not home, the bitch just hides. 1.00
00:37:14.000 She just hides. 1.00
00:37:15.000 She's like, where is this bitch? 1.00
00:37:16.000 Like, if I'm on the road for like five days, she's like, what the fuck is going on here? 1.00
00:37:20.000 Where is this asshole? 1.00
00:37:21.000 So as soon as I come home, it's meow, meow, meow. 1.00
00:37:25.000 Follow me around in circles.
00:37:25.000 She loves you.
00:37:26.000 I have a blackie that I love.
00:37:28.000 I can't. 1.00
00:37:28.000 What are you going to fuck it? 1.00
00:37:29.000 I've had her since she was a baby. 1.00
00:37:30.000 She was a little tiny kitten.
00:37:32.000 I got her from my sister. 0.94
00:37:33.000 My sister had a cat, and the cat got fucked by some wildcat. 0.99
00:37:36.000 They lived in the outside of Boston, like suburbs. 0.96
00:37:41.000 You call it the suburbs, but it's pretty rural. 0.99
00:37:43.000 They had coyotes and shit, and they had raccoons who would tear apart their trash, and they had wildcats, a lot of wildcats. 0.99
00:37:50.000 Feral cats were pretty common. 0.99
00:37:52.000 But they were people's pets.
00:37:53.000 You know, they were wild, but they weren't, you know, they weren't like dangerous wild cats, like farm cats.
00:37:59.000 They were just people who let their cats out. 0.99
00:38:01.000 The cats would go run around fucking. 1.00
00:38:03.000 So it was old school. 1.00
00:38:04.000 The cat gave birth in the middle of the kitchen. 0.94
00:38:06.000 They put it in a box, shit out some kittens, and she had all these kittens. 1.00
00:38:10.000 I took one of them. 0.95
00:38:13.000 And that's Spaz. 0.84
00:38:14.000 Here she is, 18 years later.
00:38:16.000 She's fine.
00:38:18.000 I think Mrs. Rogan probably wanted her dead a while ago. 1.00
00:38:22.000 Shitting in various spots of the house, but that cat ain't going nowhere. 0.97
00:38:24.000 Mine's doing that also. 0.89
00:38:26.000 That cat's like Mitzi Shore. 1.00
00:38:27.000 That cat ain't dying, dog.
00:38:30.000 She came to the comedy store the other day.
00:38:31.000 Mitzi did? 0.60
00:38:32.000 Or my cat?
00:38:33.000 Your cat.
00:38:34.000 Meow, meow, meow.
00:38:36.000 I guess she just came in.
00:38:37.000 She stayed in the car, but she was... 0.90
00:38:40.000 I was alive and seemed like she was good enough to get in a car and stuff.
00:38:44.000 Did you see her?
00:38:45.000 I didn't see her, but my friend Jost did.
00:38:46.000 For young comics, if you find out that she's going to be there, just go there to stare at her.
00:38:51.000 Yeah.
00:38:52.000 Go there to stare at one of the most important figures in the history of comedy.
00:38:54.000 Draw her.
00:38:55.000 Just go look at her. 0.99
00:38:56.000 Just so you can say, I saw Mitzi Shore in real life.
00:38:59.000 You should do that.
00:39:01.000 Because she ain't going to be here forever.
00:39:03.000 That lady's one of the most important figures ever in comedy. 1.00
00:39:07.000 If it wasn't for her...
00:39:08.000 I would have never, without a doubt, never been the same comedian.
00:39:12.000 I wouldn't be in this table.
00:39:13.000 I would have been gone by now.
00:39:15.000 I would have never been the same.
00:39:16.000 That lady, she threw me into the fire. 1.00
00:39:20.000 Trial by fire.
00:39:21.000 Every time there's anybody good at the comedy store, Martin Lawrence, when he's in his prime doing movies, guess who's going on after Martin Lawrence?
00:39:28.000 Right here, kid. 0.96
00:39:29.000 Going up there to eat a fat plate of dicks and learn how to do stand-up. 0.98
00:39:33.000 Put me behind Paul Mooney for a year time. 0.99
00:39:36.000 At midnight to really torment my life.
00:39:38.000 I did a lot of posts.
00:39:39.000 And Dom Herrera and AJ Jamal. 0.99
00:39:41.000 I give you all three his fucking props for destroying my fucking, breaking me down every night. 0.99
00:39:47.000 That's how I got back up by doing blow. 1.00
00:39:49.000 I would leave there depressed and have to do a fucking rock just to get back. 0.98
00:39:53.000 All right, I got another hope. 0.99
00:39:54.000 I got tomorrow night.
00:39:55.000 I look at who am I following?
00:39:57.000 Even if it wasn't AJ, whoever was in front of AJ would cancel and AJ would be in front. 0.99
00:40:01.000 It was a fucking nightmare, guys. 0.97
00:40:04.000 AJ Jamal was squeaky clean. 1.00
00:40:08.000 Squeaky clean. 1.00
00:40:09.000 God damn! 1.00
00:40:11.000 Hilarious. 1.00
00:40:12.000 Hilarious.
00:40:13.000 Beautiful timing.
00:40:14.000 It was hard to go on after him.
00:40:15.000 Oh, it was like driving to jiu-jitsu.
00:40:17.000 You're going to die. 1.00
00:40:18.000 Why am I even doing this shit? 1.00
00:40:19.000 Why the fuck am I going here? 1.00
00:40:21.000 I'm just going to be on bottom and stuck all fucking day. 1.00
00:40:23.000 I'm not going to do dick. 0.99
00:40:25.000 By the way, I've got to ask you a question. 1.00
00:40:28.000 I know you don't watch it, but you gotta watch this shit because it's gonna affect you. 0.99
00:40:32.000 I watched that, uh, Real Sports with Buffer. 0.99
00:40:35.000 Bruce Buffer and his brother?
00:40:36.000 Yeah, the thing and the brother.
00:40:37.000 But did you see the story before that?
00:40:38.000 No.
00:40:39.000 You didn't see it about the horses?
00:40:40.000 No.
00:40:40.000 How they're juicing.
00:40:41.000 If you think Vandalay and Chael would juice to the fucking nines. 0.99
00:40:45.000 You know how many horses died at Aqueduct Race Trail alone in January this year? 0.99
00:40:49.000 Just from steroids?
00:40:50.000 26. Wow.
00:40:52.000 Well, that's what all those, like Equipoys, remember Equipoys, bodybuilders would take?
00:40:56.000 That is a horse steroid.
00:40:58.000 Equa is like equine.
00:41:00.000 It's about horses.
00:41:01.000 I remember people doing this.
00:41:01.000 You're right.
00:41:02.000 I didn't know that.
00:41:03.000 Dudes and horse steroids.
00:41:04.000 My brother, look it up.
00:41:05.000 They're beyond aquatics.
00:41:08.000 They're giving them Deca de Roblin for Germans.
00:41:11.000 Really?
00:41:12.000 Yeah, bro.
00:41:12.000 26 horses in one month.
00:41:14.000 Four weeks divided by 26. That's a lot.
00:41:17.000 And then, I'm watching this, and I had to go to the track.
00:41:20.000 I had to go to Santa Anita that Saturday for a kids thing.
00:41:23.000 They paint your face in the middle, and they put the kids on horses.
00:41:26.000 I was looking forward to them.
00:41:27.000 I'm like, you know what?
00:41:27.000 I ain't going.
00:41:28.000 I told my wife, I'm boycotting that shit on Saturday. 1.00
00:41:31.000 She goes, Joey, you got to go. 1.00
00:41:33.000 You already made commitments to kids.
00:41:35.000 I went up there.
00:41:36.000 Third race. 1.00
00:41:36.000 Fucking horse died. 1.00
00:41:38.000 Fucking horse died on the track and shit. 1.00
00:41:41.000 Heart attack? 1.00
00:41:42.000 Did it fall down?
00:41:43.000 Bro, they're dying on the track.
00:41:45.000 They're just juicing them.
00:41:47.000 To the gills.
00:41:48.000 To the gills, bro.
00:41:49.000 Speaking of juice to the gills, pull up that video that I put on my Twitter page yesterday about the strongman guy breaking his back.
00:41:56.000 Did you see that?
00:41:57.000 He didn't break his back.
00:41:58.000 Apparently he's okay.
00:41:59.000 Apparently he's okay.
00:42:01.000 His body failed in the middle of lifting what they call an atlas stone.
00:42:05.000 An atlas stone is like a globe.
00:42:08.000 Like a giant globe.
00:42:09.000 But it's a rock.
00:42:10.000 And it weighs like 300 plus pounds.
00:42:12.000 And this guy's hoisting this rock up onto these pedestals.
00:42:16.000 And he's in the middle of hoisting this rock up on the pedestal.
00:42:18.000 And I guess he blacked out from the strain.
00:42:21.000 I guess he was straining so hard that it was like he was getting choked.
00:42:24.000 Because he didn't have any oxygen in his brain.
00:42:25.000 He's just... 1.00
00:42:29.000 He falls down and this fucking huge boulder lands on him. 0.99
00:42:33.000 Look at this dude. 1.00
00:42:33.000 Check this out. 1.00
00:42:36.000 Look at the size of this fucking boulder. 0.99
00:42:38.000 He's hoisting it up. 0.99
00:42:39.000 He's trying to get it up there. 1.00
00:42:51.000 Call fucking 911 right now. 0.99
00:42:54.000 Why is that funny? 1.00
00:42:55.000 Why are you laughing at that?
00:42:56.000 Because I won't watch the video, but I was watching Joey Diaz.
00:43:01.000 And Joey Diaz goes like this.
00:43:07.000 We should have been on Joey the whole time.
00:43:09.000 Oh my god.
00:43:10.000 The guy's okay.
00:43:12.000 The guy's okay.
00:43:13.000 Everybody thought that he broke his back and that was the title of the video.
00:43:17.000 But apparently what happened was he just blacked out and really had nothing but cuts and bruises.
00:43:24.000 Even went on to finish the event.
00:43:26.000 Which is crazy, you know? 0.99
00:43:28.000 I don't know how the fuck the guy did it. 0.99
00:43:30.000 A 300-plus, whatever-the-fuck-it-is pound huge thing landed on his body. 1.00
00:43:36.000 I don't know how the hell you survived that. 0.99
00:43:38.000 Can I ask you some steroid questions?
00:43:39.000 Sure.
00:43:39.000 Is DECA still relevant?
00:43:41.000 Do people still do all these steroids I talk about from the 80s, like Anavar and Winstrow?
00:43:45.000 I'm sure.
00:43:46.000 If you're in bodybuilder circles, you know, it's not for MMA fighters.
00:43:49.000 What MMA fighters get popped for, more than anything...
00:43:54.000 It's testosterone.
00:43:55.000 Just because you can get regular testosterone now so easy.
00:43:58.000 There's so many people that are getting testosterone replacement therapy prescriptions.
00:44:03.000 It's gone up a hundred and something percent in the last three years.
00:44:07.000 Probably more. 1.00
00:44:09.000 Chiropractors are fucking making a killer. 1.00
00:44:12.000 Chiropractors? 1.00
00:44:12.000 They're the ones who do it the most. 1.00
00:44:14.000 They, what, prescribe testosterone?
00:44:16.000 What they do is they get a doctor in-house.
00:44:18.000 Uh-huh.
00:44:19.000 You get some slug like a medical marijuana doctor. 0.54
00:44:21.000 He's retired. 0.82
00:44:22.000 Slug. 0.99
00:44:22.000 His wife hit the lottery. 0.99
00:44:24.000 Yeah.
00:44:25.000 You ever go to a medical marijuana doctor?
00:44:26.000 They're all over 60. They got one fitting gray, one of the banana peel.
00:44:29.000 They don't give a fuck. 0.99
00:44:30.000 They've already been sued 80 times. 1.00
00:44:32.000 What do they give a fuck? 1.00
00:44:33.000 You're not going to get sued for this shit. 1.00
00:44:34.000 Like that one guy that gives us the weed prescriptions? 1.00
00:44:36.000 That has that place in Hollywood.
00:44:39.000 But he's the best.
00:44:40.000 He's the best. 1.00
00:44:40.000 He's the one that shows up with you and fights the court and tells them to suck his dick. 1.00
00:44:43.000 Not only that, he went to jail. 1.00
00:44:45.000 Yeah, he went to jail.
00:44:45.000 That guy lost his practice and went to jail in the 90s.
00:44:47.000 He was one of the first adopters.
00:44:49.000 But, you know, what we talking about?
00:44:52.000 Oh, the chiropractic.
00:44:57.000 I didn't smoke, but I did eat a half a cookie.
00:45:01.000 I hear you, man.
00:45:02.000 Don't get me wrong.
00:45:03.000 I did eat a little half a cookie.
00:45:04.000 Nothing wrong with it.
00:45:05.000 I'm a fan.
00:45:06.000 So, what you do is you partner up with a doctor.
00:45:11.000 You put her in the office. 0.67
00:45:13.000 You go upstairs.
00:45:14.000 You draw blood.
00:45:15.000 You come downstairs a week later.
00:45:17.000 You're low on testosterone.
00:45:19.000 Yeah, you need a real doctor to do that because you need to get all your... 0.99
00:45:21.000 If you're going to fuck around like that, you've got to get all your levels measured, your thyroid level measured, your IGF. No, no. 0.99
00:45:28.000 I mean, they're real doctors, Joe.
00:45:29.000 But do they know what they're doing?
00:45:31.000 Yeah, they do all the paperwork and you go upstairs with the test and then they read it to you.
00:45:35.000 They prescribe the blockers.
00:45:37.000 They prescribe everything all at once.
00:45:39.000 It's just you're working very closely with the chiropractor.
00:45:42.000 And the chiropractor is not some guy who walks around with sandals. 0.99
00:45:45.000 This guy is 6'6", 292 pounds, fucking 90%. 0.99
00:45:51.000 Yeah, if I show you this chiropractor, you're going to go, oh yeah. 1.00
00:45:54.000 Oh yeah, that's the man, that motherfucker. 1.00
00:45:57.000 You know. 1.00
00:45:59.000 Chiropractors, that's a very controversial science, if you want to call it a science, practice. 0.96
00:46:05.000 Some people believe it wholeheartedly, some people think it's total horseshit.
00:46:08.000 Have you sat with them for a while? 0.99
00:46:09.000 They'll sell it to you.
00:46:10.000 I got a good chiropractor.
00:46:11.000 I have a good friend that's a chiropractor.
00:46:13.000 But he has a bunch of things in his office that I also like.
00:46:15.000 He has a really good massage therapist.
00:46:18.000 He works on stretching with people.
00:46:21.000 He's big on posture.
00:46:23.000 A lot of things that I know about posture come from him.
00:46:25.000 He explains it in some no bullshit terms.
00:46:29.000 And he also explains your whole... 0.90
00:46:33.000 When people stand, this is what's wrong with slumping.
00:46:35.000 I always thought slumping just looked sloppy.
00:46:37.000 He goes, no, it's putting undue pressure on certain areas of your spine.
00:46:41.000 Your spine, when you sit up straight and you stand up straight, your spine supports itself in a straight line.
00:46:47.000 But any time you move head forward, you're putting all this pressure at an uneven point, like in the middle of your back.
00:46:53.000 Essentially, we're supposed to be like dogs.
00:46:54.000 We're supposed to be walking on all fours.
00:46:56.000 There's a reason why most chimps walk on all fours and they don't have back aches.
00:47:01.000 It's a better way of moving.
00:47:02.000 When human beings start standing up, Apparently the flaws in the design of the back began to surface.
00:47:08.000 We're not done yet.
00:47:10.000 Eventually the body as it stands right now with the back issues that most people have from picking things up, most likely the body is going to evolve over the course of the next million years or so.
00:47:20.000 There will probably be a much stronger version of a back in the future.
00:47:23.000 Now, the kettlebell training has helped your back?
00:47:25.000 Oh yeah, for sure.
00:47:27.000 Because it says, it basically says about people's backs, when you start kettlebell training, your back becomes, they use this word, resilient.
00:47:34.000 Yeah.
00:47:34.000 Well, you get muscle.
00:47:36.000 Look, if you feel someone's back, if you go and feel the actual back muscles themselves, if you have more, stronger back muscles supporting your spine, it just makes sense.
00:47:47.000 If you practice proper posture, And you have more muscle and stronger muscle supporting the core of your body.
00:47:53.000 Then you can resist movement, unexpected movement, like, say, like, in jiu-jitsu class or something like that, if, like, you get yanked to the side, back and forth.
00:48:01.000 The stronger your core is, the more you're protected from that. 0.99
00:48:04.000 You know, like, if you roll with a guy who's got a really strong core, like judo guys, specifically, you can't move those fuckers around, man. 0.99
00:48:10.000 Their core is so goddamn strong. 0.99
00:48:12.000 So if you're trying to, like, Lean against their core, compress their core to like either flip them over or to sweep them. 0.99
00:48:18.000 Their core is so goddamn strong. 0.99
00:48:20.000 It's like their pillar, what connects their body together is just, you can't get through that fucking thing. 0.99
00:48:26.000 Wrestlers, same thing, especially Greco-Roman guys. 0.99
00:48:28.000 Their upper body and their core are so fucking strong from throwing bodies around all the time. 0.78
00:48:33.000 And that's sort of what kettlebells mimic. 0.98
00:48:36.000 Throwing things.
00:48:37.000 Picking things up.
00:48:38.000 Hoisting things with momentum.
00:48:40.000 All that stuff that all builds core.
00:48:43.000 That all builds what everybody likes to call core. 0.98
00:48:45.000 But people do sit-ups and leg lifts and shit. 0.99
00:48:47.000 Get the fuck out of here with that. 1.00
00:48:49.000 You don't need that. 0.99
00:48:50.000 You need heavy kettlebells. 0.99
00:48:53.000 Swing those motherfuckers and press them and do windmills. 1.00
00:48:57.000 That's where you get strong core. 0.99
00:48:58.000 If I want to keep my weight low, do I increase the weight, dog, or increase the reps?
00:49:02.000 Work.
00:49:03.000 Increase the work.
00:49:04.000 Stay with the 45 you gave me.
00:49:06.000 Listen, you can do 45 pounds for an hour or you can do 55 pounds for 40 minutes.
00:49:11.000 It's all in how much you put in versus how much you get out.
00:49:14.000 As far as for health benefits...
00:49:17.000 When you go heavy, the problem is you risk injuries. 0.54
00:49:20.000 When you go like 55 pounds, 70 pounds, 90 pounds, that gets a little squirrely because you're hoisting a lot of goddamn weight and you're carrying it in all these fibers and tissues, you're straining.
00:49:31.000 When you're doing like 55 pounds or 45 pounds, not that much weight so you can get in a lot of reps and you get exhausted.
00:49:38.000 Okay, that's what I do.
00:49:39.000 I get to the point where at the end my form sucks. 0.96
00:49:42.000 Once my form starts to suck, I tap out. 0.83
00:49:44.000 That's at 14...
00:49:47.000 I try to do 10 sets of swings infinitively, you know, times 12. Sometimes I'll do 9 and I'll rest a minute.
00:49:55.000 I'm on a minute timer.
00:49:56.000 Then I do another 14, 16. Then I rest a minute, another 12, 15. I go with my body.
00:50:04.000 Once I do 10 of those 45s, I do the single ones, and I do 15 of those.
00:50:12.000 Like seven in one hand, I switch it to eight in the other, and vice versa.
00:50:16.000 Still with a minute.
00:50:17.000 By the time I get to the 14th one, I can feel my form starting to fade.
00:50:21.000 That's when it's over.
00:50:21.000 I pick up the 235. And I walk around the block like I can't take it no more.
00:50:25.000 Like a pharma workout?
00:50:26.000 That's a good move.
00:50:26.000 Just with my posture.
00:50:27.000 That's it.
00:50:28.000 That's a great workout.
00:50:29.000 Listen, I read extensively.
00:50:31.000 I hang out with you.
00:50:32.000 I have a friend who has a coach, and he goes, the thing about kettlebells is for a guy that's 50, the less is the better, but go with your body.
00:50:40.000 Go with what it tells you.
00:50:41.000 So they started a program at his place now, five days a week, kettlebells, 20 minutes a day.
00:50:46.000 You're guaranteed 10 pounds in one month.
00:50:50.000 Really?
00:50:50.000 I just haven't been able to do it on the road Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
00:50:54.000 But I'm home the next three weeks and I'm going to work on it.
00:50:57.000 I'm going to go in there.
00:50:58.000 You can either go at night or in the morning.
00:51:00.000 20 minutes.
00:51:01.000 It's great work.
00:51:02.000 It's great work for your body.
00:51:04.000 When you do it, it combines...
00:51:07.000 All the benefits that you get from lifting weights with all the benefits that you get from doing cardio.
00:51:11.000 You can get it all together in one move. 1.00
00:51:13.000 It's just you're forcing your body to do shit. 0.99
00:51:15.000 And if you do, you know, the workout that you're talking about right there, that's a good workout. 0.99
00:51:20.000 That's a good workout.
00:51:20.000 It's a very good workout.
00:51:21.000 And then I like how you're ending with the farmer's walks.
00:51:23.000 I open up with the farmer's walk.
00:51:25.000 That's a good way to warm up, too.
00:51:26.000 And I end with the farmer's walk infinitively.
00:51:28.000 I walk, I put them down, I rest a minute, pick them up, and just walk as much as I can.
00:51:33.000 Sometimes I make it to...
00:51:35.000 Burbank Boulevard.
00:51:36.000 Oh, really?
00:51:37.000 Yeah.
00:51:38.000 Why not?
00:51:38.000 It's 10 o'clock at night.
00:51:39.000 I'm not doing nothing.
00:51:40.000 Why not?
00:51:40.000 If somebody comes to mug you, ba-bang!
00:51:42.000 And I like doing them.
00:51:43.000 Bro, in the mornings, I park my car in front of my house, go in my trunk.
00:51:47.000 I got the kettlebells in my trunk.
00:51:49.000 I got two boxing gloves.
00:51:50.000 I got shin guards.
00:51:51.000 I got a yoga mat.
00:51:52.000 That's awesome. 0.98
00:51:53.000 Because sometimes I'll go to fucking North Hollywood Park. 0.98
00:51:56.000 That's where I think I killed my meniscus, was at North Hollywood, because I'd walk that thing and then do the kettlebells. 0.98
00:52:04.000 And they got that one hot corner over there that's always 150 degrees.
00:52:08.000 I don't know what it is about Hollywood Park that's beautiful.
00:52:11.000 The walk is beautiful, but there's a dip where the sun, even at night, it shines.
00:52:17.000 Even at night, the sun shines there. 0.95
00:52:19.000 And it is fucking 140 in that corner. 0.97
00:52:22.000 But yeah, I carry. 0.98
00:52:23.000 I like to do the kettlebells outside.
00:52:25.000 When I do them inside, I get anxiety.
00:52:27.000 I get hot.
00:52:28.000 I can't breathe.
00:52:29.000 I do them outside under the sun.
00:52:30.000 I blast them out like from 9, 15 to 10 o'clock.
00:52:33.000 I'm done for the day, dog. 1.00
00:52:34.000 My body's burning shit all day. 0.99
00:52:36.000 You know what I just got for my kettlebell? 0.99
00:52:38.000 What?
00:52:38.000 A bowling ball carry-on bag for an airplane.
00:52:41.000 Because you can carry 50 pounds.
00:52:43.000 You take 50 pounds with you and check it. 1.00
00:52:45.000 So they check this fucking cannonball. 1.00
00:52:47.000 I throw it in there. 1.00
00:52:49.000 The TSA's going to shit their pants. 1.00
00:52:51.000 They try to pick up this little bag. 0.97
00:52:53.000 It's that big.
00:52:54.000 It weighs 50 pounds. 0.99
00:52:55.000 That's a great fucking idea, man. 0.99
00:52:57.000 Yeah, check it. 0.99
00:52:57.000 You just check it. 0.99
00:52:58.000 They get mad at you, but whatever.
00:53:00.000 Sorry.
00:53:00.000 I'll bring a 35. I don't need a 55. I'll bring a 35. Yeah, a 35 is good.
00:53:04.000 Look at that Keith Weber kettlebell cardio workout that they sell it on.
00:53:09.000 35 pounds.
00:53:10.000 You do it.
00:53:10.000 It's a tremendous workout.
00:53:12.000 You just keep going.
00:53:13.000 He just keeps going.
00:53:14.000 Just over and over again.
00:53:15.000 In the beginning, the first couple minutes, it's kind of easy. 1.00
00:53:18.000 But then you get five minutes in, six minutes in, you're like, oh, shit. 1.00
00:53:21.000 You realize you got to do this for 40 fucking minutes? 1.00
00:53:24.000 Holy shit. 1.00
00:53:26.000 Things you think would be easy, like a clean press with 35 pounds, it's nothing, right? 1.00
00:53:30.000 Not when you're exhausted.
00:53:32.000 When you're exhausted, when you keep going, your legs are on fire, the next day you'll barely be able to touch your toes.
00:53:38.000 So you can travel with one of those, throw that video on, and have a great workout.
00:53:43.000 But for most people...
00:53:44.000 The most important thing is just building up slow.
00:53:48.000 Don't try to get it all... 0.96
00:53:49.000 Like, I haven't worked out in five years, so today I'm fucking running the mountain. 0.94
00:53:53.000 I'm going to do... 0.99
00:53:54.000 No!
00:53:54.000 No!
00:53:55.000 Go light.
00:53:56.000 Do a little bit of work today, but be consistent.
00:53:58.000 That's the key.
00:53:59.000 Be consistent.
00:54:00.000 Like, a little bit of work one day, relax, rest, a little bit more workout the next day, relax, rest, chart your progress, and then what you said.
00:54:09.000 Listen to your body.
00:54:10.000 Look, I could finally do a technical get-up.
00:54:12.000 A Turkish getup? 0.99
00:54:13.000 No, a technical getup in jiu-jitsu.
00:54:15.000 I could finally do it after a year of practicing in hotel rooms.
00:54:18.000 Five a day, I would do it on my right side.
00:54:20.000 You know I'm a nut, though. 0.99
00:54:21.000 You do know I'm retarded. 0.99
00:54:23.000 People know that. 1.00
00:54:24.000 I'm a little stupid. 1.00
00:54:25.000 I'm geeky. 1.00
00:54:26.000 I don't like being bad at something.
00:54:30.000 And since we got the comedy work ethic, I know that you could turn anything in life into something if you just keep showing up.
00:54:38.000 Yeah.
00:54:39.000 If you just, you know, like for me, jujitsu has been, I suck, Joe, but I can finally do the whole gym hip escape. 0.99
00:54:46.000 That fucking, I'm a black belt of hip escapes. 0.98
00:54:49.000 To me, today, that's what I do. 1.00
00:54:51.000 I'm a hip escape expert.
00:54:52.000 That's what I work on, you know?
00:54:54.000 Yeah.
00:54:55.000 Hippos games are huge. 1.00
00:54:56.000 Bro, fuck. 1.00
00:54:57.000 And when you learn how to do it for six months, I didn't know what I was doing. 1.00
00:55:00.000 And then Salami taught me sometimes.
00:55:02.000 Alders taught me a different. 0.97
00:55:03.000 And I put it all together on my shoulder. 0.99
00:55:05.000 And now at least I can pick up my ass and push it all the way back. 0.98
00:55:08.000 For me, those are the little things, you know. 0.98
00:55:10.000 I wish I was better.
00:55:11.000 But I know if I keep going to jiu-jitsu twice a week.
00:55:14.000 Which is what my body can handle.
00:55:16.000 Eventually, I'll get somebody on the bar.
00:55:18.000 Eventually, because I got funny with comedy. 0.85
00:55:20.000 I was no fucking Slip Magoo in the beginning. 0.93
00:55:24.000 Slip Magoo or whatever. 0.98
00:55:25.000 I just kept showing up, dog. 0.99
00:55:27.000 You just got to keep showing the fuck up. 0.99
00:55:29.000 That's half a life. 0.99
00:55:30.000 That's half a life. 0.99
00:55:31.000 And who gives a fuck how long... 0.99
00:55:32.000 I'm not looking for a black belt. 0.98
00:55:34.000 I'm not even looking to go to beat nobody up.
00:55:36.000 I'm just looking to go to learn how to do a Turkish get-up.
00:55:38.000 I could do with 10 pounds, a Turkish get-up. 1.00
00:55:41.000 I'm up to this point where I put my arm down, I put my knee up, and I just go up to my elbow and I go down.
00:55:46.000 I do 10 of those, bro.
00:55:47.000 Bop!
00:55:48.000 Bop!
00:55:48.000 I don't even go, but I've been doing it for eight months, kettlebells.
00:55:51.000 Ten pounds, Turkish getup, bitch, but I'm still doing it. 1.00
00:55:55.000 Right. 1.00
00:55:55.000 What would happen if I would have took 35 pounds? 1.00
00:55:57.000 You know me, dog.
00:55:59.000 I wouldn't be here right now. 1.00
00:56:00.000 My shoulder would be in my fucking earlobe. 0.99
00:56:03.000 But at least I know this going in because of comedy. 0.99
00:56:06.000 Because of the lesson I got from comedy.
00:56:08.000 That it don't matter, dog.
00:56:09.000 Just keep showing up.
00:56:10.000 Yeah, but nobody laughs.
00:56:12.000 Dog.
00:56:13.000 Keep showing up.
00:56:14.000 Some people, you tell them, stay home.
00:56:16.000 Some people should stay home.
00:56:17.000 You know what, man?
00:56:18.000 For some people, it's like me.
00:56:20.000 When we did comedy, there was eight people who had a chance.
00:56:24.000 There was another six who were funny, but they had day jobs because they were married or had children.
00:56:30.000 Then you had two people who did it as a hobby that every once in a great while they drove to a gig.
00:56:36.000 And then you got three people that just had mental health issues.
00:56:40.000 Yeah.
00:56:41.000 They showed up every week, and they were nice enough, but you knew there was something wrong there.
00:56:46.000 And for them, it was the way this is for me with jujitsu.
00:56:50.000 For them, they're not looking to be on NBC. All they want to do is one time in their life, make somebody laugh.
00:56:56.000 How special is that?
00:56:57.000 It's huge.
00:56:58.000 And they go down there, and you miss those guys.
00:57:00.000 I miss those guys from my scenes in Seattle, even here.
00:57:03.000 In LA, there's people that you see them, and they're a pleasure to talk to because they don't want an agent.
00:57:09.000 They don't want to be on movies.
00:57:12.000 They're just having fun.
00:57:13.000 They work at Universal City in the daytime as the Hulk.
00:57:18.000 There's very few of those who would appreciate that.
00:57:20.000 And I respect that!
00:57:20.000 I respect that, man!
00:57:22.000 But there's very few of those.
00:57:24.000 Most of those guys have dreams that just never manifested themselves.
00:57:27.000 But a lot of them...
00:57:29.000 Never materialized.
00:57:29.000 I met a lot of guys that, bro, they were proud of their job.
00:57:32.000 They just thought somewhere in their life that they could be a stand-up and they just didn't want to die without trying it.
00:57:38.000 Right.
00:57:39.000 And then they did it, and they become addicted.
00:57:41.000 How many people go to jiu-jitsu?
00:57:42.000 It becomes addicting.
00:57:43.000 Yeah, stand-up definitely becomes addicting.
00:57:44.000 Stand-up becomes addicting.
00:57:46.000 It becomes addicting, bro.
00:57:47.000 And it's like addicts, where you see those guys that are scrambling outside, they can't wait to get on stage.
00:57:51.000 And, like, even guys who are bad, they'll see a guy who's up there killing, like you, be up there killing, like, man, he's supposed to only be doing 15 minutes. 1.00
00:57:58.000 Motherfuckers are 20 minutes. 1.00
00:57:59.000 Like, what do you care? 1.00
00:58:01.000 What are you going to do?
00:58:01.000 You're going to go up after Joey Diaz?
00:58:03.000 What are you going to do?
00:58:04.000 You're an open-miker and you're upset.
00:58:06.000 They think somehow or another, I'm on the non-paid regular list. 1.00
00:58:09.000 Bitch, you're not getting up until 2 in the morning. 1.00
00:58:10.000 You know how it works. 1.00
00:58:11.000 This is what you do.
00:58:13.000 I was a non-paid regular.
00:58:14.000 You get up after everybody else.
00:58:16.000 That's what you do.
00:58:16.000 If there's anybody left.
00:58:17.000 How fucking crazy is that? 0.98
00:58:18.000 People should know this. 0.99
00:58:20.000 You were on a TV show. 0.99
00:58:22.000 And you were a non-pay regular, which by law, if you're on a TV show, you're allowed to go in there and bump bitches. 1.00
00:58:28.000 Give them the bell, you know what I'm saying? 0.98
00:58:29.000 Well, not only that, I showed up every night.
00:58:31.000 Every night.
00:58:32.000 I was there every night.
00:58:32.000 That was the biggest lesson I learned about this whole thing from you.
00:58:35.000 It was news radio.
00:58:36.000 On Fridays, you got there at 11 in the morning. 1.00
00:58:38.000 Wardrobe, stupidity, laughter, food, and then at 8 o'clock you shoot. 1.00
00:58:43.000 You'd be strolling in there at fucking 11.30, bro. 1.00
00:58:46.000 I respect you for that. 0.98
00:58:47.000 To this day, that meant more to me.
00:58:49.000 And you didn't need it.
00:58:50.000 It was $15. 0.99
00:58:51.000 It's not like you had 19 kids and you needed the 15 fucking dollars. 0.99
00:58:55.000 I'll tell you the truth. 0.99
00:58:56.000 Being passed as a paid regular at the Comedy Store meant more to me than getting on a TV show.
00:59:01.000 Me too. 0.99
00:59:02.000 When I was on a TV show, when I was on news radio, one of the things I love about you coming to visit me is like, finally, there's another motherfucker that doesn't belong here. 0.98
00:59:10.000 Because I was I was always wandering around like one day they're gonna tell me to get the fuck off TV But until now somehow or another I'm on TV. So Joey would show up. 0.98
00:59:17.000 I'd be like Come here, man.
00:59:19.000 Hey, come here.
00:59:20.000 Let me show you what this is.
00:59:21.000 This is where they keep the food Wander around the set Joey would show up at the set and Joey be sitting they had an executives VIP suite and the VIP suite they had shrimp cock Oh
00:59:55.000 my god.
00:59:58.000 You're like, is that your friend?
00:59:59.000 Can I ask you something? 0.99
01:00:00.000 Has there ever been a week that you caught yourself after a couple days and you've gone, fuck, why am I in such a bad mood? 0.98
01:00:06.000 And you're like, I gotta get on stage. 0.99
01:00:09.000 Well, definitely.
01:00:10.000 I do it all the time, guys. 0.93
01:00:13.000 Like, I fucking go frantic. 0.92
01:00:15.000 Like, for two nights I go, I'm gonna stay in and write. 0.98
01:00:17.000 I'm gonna be George Carlin.
01:00:19.000 He needs to go out. 0.99
01:00:20.000 By fucking Thursday, I'm salivating. 1.00
01:00:23.000 By Thursday morning, I wake up with that fucking... 1.00
01:00:26.000 And also I'm on the Flappers website. 0.99
01:00:28.000 I'm on the Ice House website.
01:00:30.000 I'm looking for a spot, you know?
01:00:31.000 Right.
01:00:31.000 I don't call in no way.
01:00:32.000 I'm just looking, you know? 1.00
01:00:33.000 Well, it's a fucking, it's definitely an addiction. 1.00
01:00:36.000 Definitely, definitely. 1.00
01:00:37.000 It's a positive addiction.
01:00:38.000 Yes, definitely.
01:00:39.000 And the more addicted you, like right now, I'm super addicted.
01:00:42.000 Sure, you got big things going on.
01:00:44.000 You got that thing in August.
01:00:45.000 Yeah, I got my special that I'm going to record in August.
01:00:48.000 Tickets still haven't been on sale for it yet, but it's going to be at the Comedy Works in Denver.
01:00:52.000 And I'm doing it in the little club, the downtown club.
01:00:56.000 That's ferocious. 0.60
01:00:57.000 It's like a den of thieves.
01:00:59.000 I'm so geared up for this. 0.99
01:01:00.000 I can't fucking wait. 0.97
01:01:01.000 But you're back to day one, which I understand. 0.98
01:01:03.000 You're writing again.
01:01:04.000 You're looking at little words now.
01:01:06.000 And that gets you fired up all over again.
01:01:08.000 That really does.
01:01:09.000 Well, I'm just, right now, I've never been more excited about stand-up than right now.
01:01:12.000 I'm so into it.
01:01:14.000 About all the other things that I do.
01:01:15.000 I love working for the UFC. I love it.
01:01:18.000 I love doing podcasts. 0.99
01:01:19.000 But stand-up right now is my motherfucker. 0.98
01:01:21.000 I'm just enjoying it so much. 0.99
01:01:23.000 I'm enjoying watching it.
01:01:24.000 I'm enjoying doing it.
01:01:25.000 I'm enjoying writing it.
01:01:26.000 I'm excited about it.
01:01:28.000 It's fun.
01:01:29.000 It's a fun time, you know?
01:01:30.000 And the Ice House, man, the Ice House has helped me a lot.
01:01:34.000 Having that place where we perform there on a regular basis, having such a cool staff and everybody's...
01:01:39.000 And Bob, the owner, just being such a good guy.
01:01:41.000 It's got such a good vibe.
01:01:43.000 And these shows that we've been...
01:01:44.000 We've got a show there tonight. 0.88
01:01:46.000 These shows that we do there, they're so fucking fun. 0.54
01:01:49.000 Tonight's Ian Edwards, Brian Callen, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Tripoli, me. 0.99
01:01:53.000 We're going to murder that thing. 0.99
01:01:55.000 That place is a special, like... 0.99
01:01:58.000 Like a magnet for fun.
01:02:00.000 There's a lot of fun times. 1.00
01:02:01.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
01:02:02.000 It's good times up there. 1.00
01:02:04.000 It's everything that the Comedy Store used to be, but positive.
01:02:07.000 There's no negativity there.
01:02:09.000 There's no darkness that hovers over the place.
01:02:12.000 It's not the same, but we're at different times in our life.
01:02:15.000 And what was good about the Comedy Store when I was 25 is not good about the Comedy Store now.
01:02:20.000 I don't want that nonsense in my life anymore. 0.80
01:02:23.000 But what's good about the Ice House is all the good things, like an old comedy club with a lot of history, but none of the pretentiousness, none of the bullshit, not stuck on sunsets or dickwads come over from the Sky Bar, all that. 0.98
01:02:36.000 All the element that you get in Hollywood, that extra dickwad fucking actor element, you don't get that in Pasadena. 0.95
01:02:46.000 Pasadena's just all positive. 0.99
01:02:47.000 Let me tell you something, man.
01:02:48.000 I'm doing the Ice House next weekend.
01:02:51.000 With Dom Herrera.
01:02:52.000 And I just called him.
01:02:54.000 This is the truth, guys.
01:02:55.000 We were talking the other day on the phone, and I had the computer open.
01:02:59.000 And something, I go, let me see if he's got a recent set to see what he's doing.
01:03:03.000 With Dom Herrera?
01:03:04.000 Yeah.
01:03:04.000 Always writing.
01:03:05.000 And dog, I put the set on from Rodney.
01:03:08.000 And I gotta be honest with you, I had tears going down my eyes.
01:03:11.000 I was so proud of myself. 0.99
01:03:12.000 It was so, like, I remember watching that fucking special and just getting anxiety from going, Jesus, I'll never be that fucking good. 0.99
01:03:22.000 Like... 0.99
01:03:23.000 My God.
01:03:24.000 Not as a comic, but even as a human being. 0.98
01:03:26.000 Like, here I am in a halfway house watching this fucking tape of him and Bill Hicks and Dice and God knows who else is on that. 0.98
01:03:36.000 Lenny Clark. 0.98
01:03:37.000 You know, I loved Lenny Clark from the beginning.
01:03:39.000 Lenny Clark's awesome.
01:03:40.000 And I'm like, I'll never be this good to be.
01:03:42.000 And here I am next weekend. 0.99
01:03:44.000 I'm at the fucking ice house with Don Barrera. 0.99
01:03:46.000 Co-headlining. 1.00
01:03:47.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99
01:03:48.000 I mean, are you fucking serious? 0.99
01:03:50.000 That means more than any movie, because I remember that dream. 0.97
01:03:53.000 A couple weeks ago, I'm in Austin, Texas, at the bar having a salad.
01:03:57.000 And who comes up and gives me a hug?
01:03:59.000 Joe Torre.
01:04:00.000 Listen, man.
01:04:01.000 Joe Torre used to have a routine on Def Jam. 0.99
01:04:05.000 Where he used to talk about, yeah, I got a brother that's one of them saved the whale motherfuckers. 0.99
01:04:09.000 Not me. 1.00
01:04:10.000 I love killing a motherfucker. 1.00
01:04:11.000 I just bought a gun. 1.00
01:04:12.000 I can't wait to use it. 0.99
01:04:13.000 In fact, I go to the ATM every night with a tuxedo on and shit. 1.00
01:04:19.000 Do you know how many times I fucking watched that stupidity, that fucking BET All-Stars and Dom Herrera's, I sat there for hours going, what a shame. 1.00
01:04:30.000 I'll never be in that, not in this lifetime. 1.00
01:04:35.000 I have to come back as a decent human being and You reborn as a decent human being.
01:04:42.000 You're a very decent human being. 0.99
01:04:44.000 No, not at that time when I'd be watching that shit. 0.99
01:04:47.000 I'd go, okay, so maybe if I do this for 20 years, I might be a little funny, but I'll never be as Joe Torre. 0.99
01:04:53.000 And every time I see Joe Torre, I tell him the same thing. 0.98
01:04:56.000 I'm going to get a motherfucking tuxedo. 1.00
01:04:58.000 I'm going to go down to the ATM at midnight and shit. 0.99
01:05:01.000 It's just very weird at times what's going on right now. 0.99
01:05:05.000 Do you see people?
01:05:05.000 Well, it's awesome.
01:05:06.000 It's awesome.
01:05:07.000 It's awesome to see the culmination of years and years of work.
01:05:10.000 For me, it's beautiful because I got to see you really early on.
01:05:13.000 I mean, I got to see you.
01:05:14.000 You had only been doing comedy like a couple of years when I first met you.
01:05:16.000 Six years.
01:05:17.000 It was a mess.
01:05:18.000 You were six years in when I met you?
01:05:20.000 Yeah, probably.
01:05:20.000 I started in 91, 92. But when you came to the Comedy Store, that's when you got real serious, right?
01:05:26.000 Mitzi Shaw touches you.
01:05:29.000 You got no choice.
01:05:30.000 You did Denver and Seattle.
01:05:33.000 Those are the two spots.
01:05:34.000 Seattle was where the lights got turned on.
01:05:38.000 And Denver, I was just going up.
01:05:40.000 It's like jujitsu now.
01:05:41.000 I just go there. 1.00
01:05:42.000 Fucking around. 1.00
01:05:43.000 And if he lets me grab his collar, I grab his collar. 1.00
01:05:45.000 If he takes me down, so be it.
01:05:47.000 If I get him down, wow.
01:05:48.000 Right.
01:05:49.000 You know, oh my God.
01:05:49.000 Now what do I do?
01:05:50.000 You know what I'm saying?
01:05:51.000 Right, right, right.
01:05:52.000 That's what comedy was for me in Denver.
01:05:54.000 But then I started doing time.
01:05:56.000 I started doing like 24 minutes.
01:05:58.000 And then this opportunity came up in Seattle, so I went to Seattle.
01:06:01.000 And Seattle was where there was an open mic.
01:06:04.000 There was 18 comics on open mic on Mondays and Tuesdays.
01:06:08.000 There was another open mic after that open mic and another open mic after that open mic.
01:06:13.000 And then Tuesday, there was another open mic.
01:06:15.000 And these were all decent places.
01:06:17.000 In Denver, I had a guy in the head with a microphone in Denver one time because he was flicking bottle caps at the comics.
01:06:23.000 Me and Dave Testro.
01:06:25.000 If I still see Dave Testro today, he'll go, what's happening, killer? 0.99
01:06:29.000 Because I fucking hit this guy in the head with the microphone batteries went everywhere. 1.00
01:06:33.000 You know me, dog. 1.00
01:06:34.000 I told him, if you flick one fucking thing up here, I'm going to break this microphone over your fucking head. 1.00
01:06:38.000 What did he do with his buddy? 1.00
01:06:40.000 Click.
01:06:41.000 Bang! 1.00
01:06:41.000 God, bing! 1.00
01:06:43.000 They gave me 25-buck gift certificate on how to get the fuck out of it, and I took my steak to go.
01:06:47.000 I'm going to forget that.
01:06:48.000 In Denver, you had no comedy on Mondays.
01:06:51.000 I had the Australian Bar in Boulder, which does not exist there anymore.
01:06:56.000 On Tuesdays, I had Wendy, three minutes.
01:07:00.000 You got twice a month, three minutes at the Comedy Works in those days.
01:07:04.000 Wednesdays, you had Club 52. Thursdays, you had El Torito.
01:07:09.000 By John Elway's up there.
01:07:11.000 By John Elway's in Englewood, Colorado.
01:07:15.000 Cherry Hill!
01:07:16.000 All the way up there.
01:07:18.000 El Torito.
01:07:18.000 As soon as you got off to I-70, and on Friday and Saturday you were an open mic, you had Dick.
01:07:23.000 You know how many fucking places I had in Seattle on a Friday night? 0.98
01:07:27.000 You know how many places you had on a Wednesday night? 0.99
01:07:28.000 You had Tacoma.
01:07:30.000 You had Seattle.
01:07:31.000 You had Everett.
01:07:32.000 You had Bellingham on Sundays.
01:07:33.000 What place had more comics?
01:07:38.000 I think Seattle.
01:07:39.000 Seattle, you know, just the core.
01:07:41.000 It was me, Brody, Josh Wolf, Aisha Taylor went through there.
01:07:46.000 You know, I knew a lot.
01:07:47.000 Well, they were in San Francisco.
01:07:48.000 So I knew a lot of those people at the festivals and at the comedy competition.
01:07:54.000 And Denver had, you know, Steve McGrew, Todd Jordan.
01:07:57.000 They had some hitters, too. 0.98
01:07:58.000 But the open mic scene wasn't that strong.
01:08:00.000 It was very...
01:08:01.000 In Denver or Seattle?
01:08:02.000 Denver.
01:08:03.000 But there was one guy, his name was Andy Payton. 1.00
01:08:05.000 He was a fucking deadhead, tremendous guy. 1.00
01:08:07.000 He's a mayor of a town. 1.00
01:08:08.000 He ran for politics.
01:08:09.000 He was a genius.
01:08:10.000 He went to all these bars.
01:08:12.000 And he got a night at each bar.
01:08:14.000 They paid him a little bit.
01:08:15.000 Every night you got a little bit.
01:08:16.000 20 bucks, 10 bucks, 30 bucks.
01:08:19.000 But at least you got to go on stage.
01:08:21.000 Andy Payton also sold advertising and put on a newspaper.
01:08:26.000 I give a lot of credit to my career, to Andy, to you, and to Mitzi Short, but Andy Payton Believed in me the way Dick Doherty believed in you. 0.99
01:08:35.000 Because he didn't give a fuck that I was dirty. 1.00
01:08:37.000 But that motherfucker threw me. 1.00
01:08:39.000 Bro, on Sundays he goes, I'll give you 50 bucks. 1.00
01:08:41.000 But you gotta follow a line dancing class. 1.00
01:08:43.000 In Colorado, Jack, achy breaky heart, bitch. 1.00
01:08:47.000 And I'd be the first comic up after achy breaky heart. 1.00
01:08:50.000 You wanna talk about hate?
01:08:51.000 You wanna talk about no laughter?
01:08:53.000 But he'd give me 50 bucks on Sunday.
01:08:55.000 And in those days, on Sundays at 7, I used to drop my daughter off.
01:08:59.000 And as soon as I slammed the door, I'd just go into tears.
01:09:02.000 And I'd get on the 70 and I'd smoke a joint. 0.97
01:09:05.000 By the time I'd get to the gig, I'd be brand fucking new. 0.99
01:09:07.000 And I'd go on that stage just to die. 0.99
01:09:10.000 It was like a day of dying.
01:09:11.000 It was like five hours with my daughter. 0.99
01:09:13.000 Then I took their abuse and then I would go to this bar in fucking Arvada. 0.98
01:09:19.000 You've never even been to Arvada. 0.99
01:09:20.000 I've been to Arvada.
01:09:21.000 Oh, you see the sign?
01:09:22.000 That's where Dwayne Ludwig is from.
01:09:23.000 Okay, Arvada. 0.99
01:09:27.000 And I'd have to do this fucking country bar on Sunday nights. 0.99
01:09:31.000 Andy Payton was a genius, bro. 0.99
01:09:32.000 He had two of those weeks.
01:09:34.000 So he would call you and go, you got the whole week.
01:09:36.000 Monday.
01:09:37.000 And I'm talking Monday through Sunday.
01:09:39.000 40, 30. There weren't two-hour drives.
01:09:42.000 There were just dump bars in Denver.
01:09:44.000 Way before the stadium went up. 1.00
01:09:47.000 This is when that shit was a shithole down there. 1.00
01:09:49.000 Really? 1.00
01:09:50.000 And the comedy works told him, you're not allowed in here because you're on competition.
01:09:54.000 Right.
01:09:55.000 So he said, really? 1.00
01:09:56.000 I'm going to teach you motherfuckers a lesson. 1.00
01:09:58.000 He spanked them for about a year and a half, dog. 1.00
01:10:00.000 But then he moved.
01:10:02.000 He went to one of those small towns, and he became the mayor.
01:10:06.000 He became a mayor?
01:10:08.000 A mayor.
01:10:08.000 Now he's on Facebook, and I think I went back and forth with him at one time.
01:10:11.000 I thanked him.
01:10:13.000 He says he still does comedy once a month in his town.
01:10:17.000 He went to like a town.
01:10:18.000 Imagine the mayors doing stand-up in your town.
01:10:21.000 Can you be a mayor for a long time?
01:10:23.000 Is there term limits on being a mayor? 0.99
01:10:25.000 No, because the mayor from North Bergen, Mayor Sacco, has been there fucking at least fucking 10 years, 12 years. 0.99
01:10:32.000 Let's see. 0.99
01:10:32.000 Term limits on mayor. 0.99
01:10:36.000 There's no term limits on Supreme Court justices, right?
01:10:39.000 Something that people don't like.
01:10:43.000 It's different in places.
01:10:44.000 In Ohio and Cincinnati, the term limit is two successive four-year terms.
01:10:49.000 It's different in different places, apparently.
01:10:53.000 Huh. 1.00
01:10:56.000 That's got to be a thankless fucking job. 1.00
01:10:58.000 Being the mayor of a town. 0.99
01:10:59.000 Trying to keep everybody in order.
01:11:01.000 There's crime in this town, mayor!
01:11:04.000 What do you want me to do? 1.00
01:11:05.000 What the fuck are we going to do? 0.99
01:11:06.000 I'm going to stop the crime? 1.00
01:11:07.000 I'm going to stop people from stealing shit? 1.00
01:11:08.000 Do what the mayor did in my town in Jersey. 1.00
01:11:10.000 Put cameras up around the city. 0.99
01:11:12.000 That's semi-communism why I fucking come from, dawg. 0.99
01:11:15.000 Cameras on you. 0.99
01:11:16.000 In the city?
01:11:17.000 On the street?
01:11:17.000 Well, you know Camden.
01:11:18.000 You know, Camden doesn't have police officers anymore.
01:11:21.000 Camden is so broke, there's just rampant crime police officers.
01:11:24.000 So you know what they did?
01:11:24.000 They just put cameras up everywhere.
01:11:27.000 Everywhere. 1.00
01:11:27.000 It's some Robocop shit. 1.00
01:11:29.000 They're like living in the future. 1.00
01:11:30.000 I got a secret for you motherfuckers. 1.00
01:11:32.000 I knew Camden was the real deal in 1978. I couldn't believe what I had saw. 1.00
01:11:38.000 What'd you say?
01:11:39.000 I saw anarchy.
01:11:42.000 I've been robbed one time on the street in a drug deal.
01:11:45.000 One time in my life did I get robbed on the street in a drug deal.
01:11:49.000 I was in Camden, New Jersey. 0.99
01:11:52.000 They don't fuck around in Camden, bro. 0.99
01:11:54.000 Pensauken, Camden, that's a complete different world. 1.00
01:11:58.000 I got robbed for a pound of coke, a pound of weed.
01:12:00.000 I had to go answer the people that gave me money, investors.
01:12:03.000 I had to go pay these people back and sell weed.
01:12:06.000 I had to do what I had to do. 1.00
01:12:07.000 I fucked up, but they robbed me, man. 1.00
01:12:09.000 They set me to fuck up. 1.00
01:12:11.000 Camden is the poorest city in the country, and it has the highest rate of murder in the country. 1.00
01:12:17.000 No shit. 1.00
01:12:18.000 They got no cops on the street. 1.00
01:12:19.000 It's animals. 1.00
01:12:20.000 Camden, motherfucking New Jersey. 1.00
01:12:21.000 Camden, New Jersey. 0.99
01:12:22.000 We played them one year in basketball, and Dennis Still, I'll never forget, there's a coach in our high school that's in a wheelchair.
01:12:30.000 He got paralyzed. 1.00
01:12:31.000 Dennis still went up to him and spit in his fucking face, dog, in high school. 1.00
01:12:35.000 When you spit in a handicapped dude's face, you ain't fucking around. 1.00
01:12:40.000 You want to hear a crazy crime statistic? 0.99
01:12:42.000 Camden, New Jersey has a crime rate of 78% per 1,000 residents.
01:12:48.000 So for every 1,000 residents, 78% of them are going to experience crime.
01:12:52.000 Wow.
01:12:54.000 78%.
01:12:56.000 That's like, how much crime do you experience in Burbank?
01:12:58.000 0%? 1.00
01:12:59.000 He got robbed by Dracula, this fucking guy. 1.00
01:13:03.000 Yeah, but he was probably really loud and outside. 1.00
01:13:07.000 Who mugged you a midget with a water pistol? 1.00
01:13:09.000 A black wizard. 1.00
01:13:10.000 A black wizard.
01:13:12.000 It's incredible.
01:13:13.000 I knew Camden.
01:13:15.000 I had never seen anything like that.
01:13:16.000 Then I had a buddy. 0.99
01:13:17.000 A basketball player buddy that was from Pensauken, and I went down to visit his family once, and I left there with my fucking jaw dropped. 0.96
01:13:24.000 And I knew not to go back down there. 0.99
01:13:26.000 I read all these canon statistics now, and I'm like, no shit. 0.99
01:13:30.000 That place was the edge of hell 30 fucking years ago. 0.99
01:13:33.000 I can't imagine what it is now. 0.97
01:13:34.000 Yeah, Matt Taibbi wrote an article about it.
01:13:37.000 I'm tweeting it right now.
01:13:38.000 He wrote an article about Camden saying, it's called Apocalypse New Jersey, a dispatch from America's most desperate town.
01:13:45.000 No jobs, no hope, and surveillance cameras everywhere.
01:13:48.000 The strange, sad story of Camden.
01:13:52.000 What's the population?
01:13:53.000 That's a good question.
01:13:54.000 What if it's like 14 people? 1.00
01:13:56.000 No, there's a lot of fucking people there. 0.99
01:13:58.000 What surrounds Camden, brother? 1.00
01:13:59.000 Take a look for your Uncle Joey. 1.00
01:14:00.000 There's a lot of shit around New Jersey. 1.00
01:14:03.000 It's near Atlantic City, isn't it? 1.00
01:14:04.000 Right, right, right, right.
01:14:06.000 I thought it was near Philadelphia, too.
01:14:09.000 Probably.
01:14:10.000 Yeah, it's across the Delaware River from Philly.
01:14:13.000 There's 77,000 people. 0.99
01:14:17.000 If you don't want to get fucked up, don't go to Camden, Jack. 1.00
01:14:20.000 Don't buy weed. 0.99
01:14:21.000 Don't do nothing.
01:14:22.000 I got tricked.
01:14:26.000 There used to be this gas station in North Bergen, where I'm from, called Putnam, and when I became, after my mom died, I had an inside guy there and I'd rob him once a month, like a fake robbery, you know what I'm saying?
01:14:35.000 We'd go hit him in the head, he'd go down, we'd take a thousand, and all he wanted was an eight ball.
01:14:39.000 He was a little half on the retardo side. 1.00
01:14:41.000 A fake robbery?
01:14:42.000 Oh, tremendous.
01:14:43.000 I worked at Putnam Fuel.
01:14:44.000 Everybody from that high school worked at Putnam Fuel.
01:14:47.000 And you robbed them to death until they fired you.
01:14:49.000 Ernie was always the shift manager.
01:14:51.000 Ernie had kids. 0.99
01:14:52.000 He went to the fucked up building. 1.00
01:14:53.000 I love cocaine, man. 1.00
01:14:55.000 Me and my wife loved it.
01:14:56.000 His wife was like 400 pounds. 1.00
01:14:58.000 She didn't work. 1.00
01:14:59.000 You know, he had to bring home fucking Almond Joys, that type of shit. 1.00
01:15:02.000 He worked at a gas station. 1.00
01:15:04.000 They lived in a terrible apartment, but they were cocaine heads.
01:15:06.000 And I was 16. I had worked there, and he's telling me, I need an eight ball.
01:15:10.000 And I go, Ernie, how can we do this?
01:15:12.000 How can we make this happen?
01:15:13.000 And one day he's like, you can fake rob me.
01:15:15.000 All right.
01:15:16.000 What's a good plan to rob you?
01:15:18.000 He's like, dog, you know how many times I fake robbed Ernie?
01:15:21.000 How many?
01:15:21.000 About six times.
01:15:23.000 In fact, there's a kid in Florida that has a story that I showed up at his house one night with a diagram, because you had to rob him the same way.
01:15:29.000 You had to go around the building.
01:15:31.000 There was cameras in the front in those days.
01:15:32.000 So you had to go around the back.
01:15:34.000 Ring the bell when he come out.
01:15:35.000 He had to attack.
01:15:36.000 I couldn't be the same guy all the time that robbed him.
01:15:39.000 But you were going to be fine.
01:15:40.000 You weren't going to get arrested.
01:15:42.000 Just take the walk of me.
01:15:43.000 Trust me.
01:15:44.000 And he always, till now, whenever he goes to the comedy show, he goes, I remember Coco coming home one day with a diagram.
01:15:48.000 We're going to rob a gas station like a football player.
01:15:51.000 He goes, it was brilliant. 1.00
01:15:52.000 I'd rob Ernie once a fuck at every six weeks, dog. 1.00
01:15:55.000 Wow. 1.00
01:15:56.000 And we had to hit him. 1.00
01:15:57.000 You got to kick him in the stomach and shit and like smack him so he would bleed. 1.00
01:16:01.000 And the cops would say, Ernie, nobody gets robbed like this. 1.00
01:16:04.000 What do you want me to tell you? 1.00
01:16:06.000 They know I'm a fucking idiot. 1.00
01:16:07.000 Bro, we would rob him once every six weeks. 1.00
01:16:09.000 And finally it ended.
01:16:10.000 I didn't bring him the eight ball.
01:16:13.000 When I just did his eight ball, he got pissed off at me and that was it.
01:16:17.000 Being around shady people like that, growing up around shady people, gives you such a different flavor to life.
01:16:23.000 There's an extra element.
01:16:26.000 At the time, it's probably a little dangerous, but when you look back on it and laugh, We used to work at this gas station.
01:16:32.000 I worked at a gas station for a little while.
01:16:34.000 And there was this old guy that used to come in the gas station.
01:16:36.000 This old dude who had one of those classic bald guys.
01:16:39.000 He was bald up top with the hair on the side.
01:16:41.000 You see a guy like that, you think he's a normal guy.
01:16:44.000 No. 0.99
01:16:45.000 This guy used to drive this souped-up Buick, and he was a total pervert. 1.00
01:16:48.000 And all he could do was talk about pussy. 1.00
01:16:50.000 This old man talking about pussy. 1.00
01:16:52.000 Like, gray hair on the sides of his head, just talking about fingering chicks. 1.00
01:16:56.000 Like, he was a madman. 0.99
01:16:57.000 But being around that guy made me realize that, like, I see a dude, like an old dude who's bald with the fucking hair on the side, and I say, well, that's probably a nice gentleman. 1.00
01:17:06.000 Like, no. 1.00
01:17:07.000 It's an old pervert driving a hot rod Buick fingering chicks. 1.00
01:17:12.000 You realize you're around people like that. 1.00
01:17:14.000 You know that there's something else.
01:17:16.000 Like, there's possibilities.
01:17:18.000 There's a lot of different kinds of people in life.
01:17:20.000 And sometimes just because someone looks like someone that you've sort of already met before, like, oh, yeah, I know that type.
01:17:26.000 No, you don't.
01:17:26.000 You have no idea.
01:17:27.000 Look at Ted Bundy.
01:17:28.000 That was how Ted Bundy got all those girls.
01:17:30.000 He looked like a normal, handsome guy. 0.99
01:17:32.000 He didn't look like some Ed Gain fucking psychopath with, you know, creepy little beady eyes, weird strange man with strange yellow teeth. 0.99
01:17:40.000 I can't wait to catch you up and turn you into a lamp. 0.99
01:17:43.000 No, he looked like a guy that you'd want to date.
01:17:45.000 Remember when Mark Harmon played him?
01:17:47.000 Yeah.
01:17:47.000 That was a good one.
01:17:48.000 He escaped from the jail and fucking asked me through a window. 0.99
01:17:51.000 For a while, I thought I was crazy, dog, because I lived everywhere where Ted Bundy lived. 0.99
01:17:55.000 For a while, I thought I was crazy.
01:17:57.000 I lived in Snowmass Village. 0.94
01:17:59.000 He killed the chick.
01:18:00.000 He kidnapped her from the Willowbrook Hotel, whatever, in Snowmass Village.
01:18:04.000 And then we lived in Seattle.
01:18:06.000 That's where he did most of his damage.
01:18:08.000 That was Seattle?
01:18:09.000 Didn't he do something in Florida?
01:18:10.000 Florida was at the end, the dormitory.
01:18:12.000 Oh, that was the end?
01:18:13.000 I think.
01:18:14.000 Look it up.
01:18:14.000 Something.
01:18:15.000 For a long time, I'm like, maybe I'm fucking crazy, dog. 0.99
01:18:17.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:18:18.000 I keep living everywhere. 0.99
01:18:19.000 I mean, yeah, he escaped from the Aspen fucking jail. 0.99
01:18:24.000 Ted Bundy. 0.99
01:18:25.000 That was a scary one.
01:18:27.000 He used to pick up girls and take them for rides in his car, and they realized there was no doorknob on their side.
01:18:33.000 They would go to reach for the door to open it.
01:18:35.000 There's no doorknob.
01:18:37.000 He had the doorknobs removed on the side of his car.
01:18:41.000 2002 film, Ted Bundy.
01:18:43.000 If you look at him, he's a handsome guy.
01:18:45.000 Normal-looking dude.
01:18:47.000 Is he still alive?
01:18:48.000 No, they launched him.
01:18:50.000 Did they kill him?
01:18:51.000 Yeah, he was in Aspen.
01:18:52.000 Remember, they launched him, and...
01:18:54.000 They celebrated his death in all the towns where he killed people. 0.99
01:18:57.000 They had happy hours, they had drinks to Bundy and shit. 1.00
01:19:00.000 Yeah, January 24th, 1989, they killed him. 0.99
01:19:05.000 He was age 42 at the Florida State Prison.
01:19:07.000 Did he represent himself?
01:19:08.000 He was an attorney, by law.
01:19:09.000 I don't know.
01:19:10.000 I think he didn't take the test or something. 1.00
01:19:14.000 He did a lot of crazy shit, man. 1.00
01:19:15.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
01:19:16.000 He killed a lot of girls, man. 1.00
01:19:43.000 Man.
01:19:45.000 They first got him in 1975 for aggravated kidnapping and attempted criminal assault.
01:19:52.000 And then he became a suspect in a progressively longer list of unsolved homicides in multiple states. 0.99
01:19:58.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:20:00.000 Colorado and Florida. 1.00
01:20:02.000 God damn. 1.00
01:20:03.000 Florida finally launched them, correct? 1.00
01:20:05.000 Yep. 1.00
01:20:06.000 Florida kills people. 0.98
01:20:07.000 And that's where he killed the dormitory. 0.97
01:20:08.000 That's where he got the girls in the dormitory. 0.65
01:20:10.000 University of Florida, right?
01:20:11.000 Gainesville?
01:20:11.000 Wasn't it in Gainesville or something like that?
01:20:13.000 Yeah, there's a lot of those fucking guys out there, man. 1.00
01:20:17.000 It's like, what turns a guy like Ted Bundy into someone who would do that shit? 1.00
01:20:22.000 Damn, have you seen his morgue pics? 1.00
01:20:24.000 Ugh. 1.00
01:20:25.000 Morgue pics?
01:20:26.000 Yeah, when he got executed, I guess.
01:20:27.000 They have pics of it?
01:20:28.000 Yeah.
01:20:29.000 It's like there's a color one, there's a black and white one. 0.99
01:20:33.000 The problem with morgue pics is who the fuck knows if that's real. 0.99
01:20:36.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:20:37.000 Yeah, who knows?
01:20:39.000 Yeah, he didn't look good.
01:20:42.000 Shaved his head, too.
01:20:43.000 Yeah.
01:20:44.000 Top of his head looks like it blew up or something.
01:20:46.000 That's what they do when they're cooking you. 0.94
01:20:47.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:20:48.000 Scary shit, man. 1.00
01:20:50.000 It's just scary shit that someone could be like that. 1.00
01:20:54.000 That motherfucker killed cats when he was six. 1.00
01:20:56.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:20:57.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:20:58.000 Killed dogs and shit. 1.00
01:21:00.000 Tortured. 1.00
01:21:00.000 Michael, victim and shit. 1.00
01:21:02.000 He's bludgeoning women in their fucking sleep and raping corpses. 1.00
01:21:06.000 What the fuck happens to people, bro? 1.00
01:21:09.000 Yeah, that is the question. 1.00
01:21:10.000 What the fuck happens to people? 1.00
01:21:11.000 What is it about people that a switch can go off and then boom, all of a sudden you're Dylan Klebold in Colorado shooting up your school. 1.00
01:21:21.000 What is it?
01:21:21.000 What combination of chemicals and behavior and life, what combinations of curveballs and shitty genetics and all sorts of different things cause someone to be that way?
01:21:32.000 His beetle was on display in a museum recently and they found...
01:21:39.000 In it, they found a bunch of items that were in it.
01:21:41.000 One was a crowbar, garbage bags, an ice pick, a flashlight, torn strips of sheeting, a knit ski mask, handcuffs, and a strange mask made from pantyhose. 0.99
01:21:54.000 What the fuck? 0.99
01:21:56.000 And in Florida. 1.00
01:21:58.000 As if living in Florida wasn't bad enough.
01:22:00.000 You gotta deal with that guy running around.
01:22:03.000 Imagine if Ted Bundy was alive today.
01:22:05.000 That would be 90% of Nancy Grace's show. 1.00
01:22:10.000 Ted Bundy in Florida. 0.99
01:22:14.000 Florida's a wild fucking place to do stand-up too. 1.00
01:22:16.000 That's one of the wildest spots. 0.99
01:22:18.000 I was thinking that the other day like that.
01:22:19.000 That Hollywood improv, the improv in Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood, Florida. 1.00
01:22:23.000 That fucking improv is one of the wildest clubs in the goddamn country. 0.99
01:22:27.000 That's Brian Count's favorite place to perform. 1.00
01:22:29.000 He's like, they're off the chain.
01:22:30.000 They're off the chain. 0.97
01:22:31.000 They're animals.
01:22:32.000 I was just there a couple months ago.
01:22:34.000 Were you?
01:22:34.000 Who'd you do it with?
01:22:35.000 Who'd you do it with?
01:22:36.000 I'm myself.
01:22:37.000 Did you bring anybody with you?
01:22:38.000 No, no.
01:22:38.000 They were like, no, you have to pay like $800 for a hotel to bring a feature.
01:22:42.000 What?
01:22:42.000 To the casino.
01:22:43.000 Because they put you in the casino.
01:22:45.000 They don't give you a second hotel room?
01:22:46.000 No.
01:22:46.000 You've got to make them give you a second hotel room.
01:22:47.000 I know.
01:22:48.000 They have a hotel room.
01:22:49.000 I thought it was in a casino.
01:22:50.000 It was going to be boring.
01:22:51.000 It wasn't that bad.
01:22:52.000 It was pretty good, as a matter of fact.
01:22:54.000 I had a good time.
01:22:55.000 Yeah, it's a fun day.
01:22:56.000 I had a great time.
01:22:56.000 I really did have a good time.
01:22:57.000 If you're living around there, that Hard Rock, that's a decent casino.
01:23:00.000 Yeah, no, no, it was great.
01:23:01.000 It's not like those places where they used to do King of the Cage at, back in the band days.
01:23:06.000 Yeah, no.
01:23:06.000 Did you ever go to one of those with me?
01:23:07.000 No.
01:23:09.000 Eddie Bravo and I went to a bunch of them.
01:23:10.000 Eddie used to work for the King of the Cage.
01:23:12.000 He was the commentator.
01:23:15.000 So we would travel sometimes to these... 0.99
01:23:17.000 These gigs were in the middle of fucking... 0.98
01:23:19.000 I mean, nowhere! 0.99
01:23:21.000 These weird Native American casinos were the only places where you could do it because they had sovereignty over their own land. 0.99
01:23:27.000 So even though MMA was banned in California at the time, they could still put on fights at these casinos.
01:23:32.000 And that's when people started to wake up.
01:23:34.000 Because they're like, why are we making this illegal? 0.98
01:23:36.000 You know how much fucking money these people are making? 0.97
01:23:37.000 Because you would go to the middle of nowhere. 0.99
01:23:39.000 I mean, hours and hours drive.
01:23:41.000 And there would be thousands of people there for an event.
01:23:44.000 All people we knew, you know, people we knew from jiu-jitsu, guys we trained with, guys we knew that were like the tap-out guys in the early days.
01:23:51.000 And we would go there and they would have these outdoor arenas.
01:23:55.000 Like these outdoor, like, seeded state.
01:23:58.000 Most of the time, no cover over it.
01:24:00.000 If it rained, the fights kept going.
01:24:01.000 They made a whole DVD called Wet and Wild, where they let it rain. 0.99
01:24:05.000 It was fucking pouring out. 0.92
01:24:07.000 And in the middle of these crazy torrential downpours, dudes were fighting. 0.98
01:24:12.000 It's not a bad idea. 1.00
01:24:13.000 It's the dumbest idea of all time. 1.00
01:24:14.000 Come on. 1.00
01:24:15.000 You see two guys blasted out in the rain.
01:24:17.000 But you had no traction at all.
01:24:19.000 You would throw a punch. 1.00
01:24:20.000 You would fucking go flying. 0.99
01:24:21.000 Because they had one of those old school vinyl floors. 0.99
01:24:25.000 If it was a canvas floor, it would still be slippery.
01:24:27.000 But it would be less slippery. 0.99
01:24:29.000 But this shit wasn't canvas. 1.00
01:24:31.000 This shit was like vinyl. 1.00
01:24:33.000 So it was like a swimming pool. 1.00
01:24:34.000 It was like slip and slide.
01:24:35.000 It really was like trying to have a kickboxing match on slip and slide.
01:24:39.000 Dudes would be falling, their knees get blown out, falling on top of each other.
01:24:44.000 It was one of the sloppiest MMA cards ever.
01:24:47.000 But, kind of fun because it's a piece of history.
01:24:50.000 I don't think they should ever do it again, but it's good that it exists.
01:24:58.000 I think this is probably a pulldown from YouTube if we put a video on our...
01:25:04.000 But it's funny.
01:25:06.000 If you ever go to Boulder again, Doug, make sure you go to Naropa Institute.
01:25:10.000 Naropa Institute?
01:25:11.000 What is that?
01:25:11.000 That's a cool mother...
01:25:12.000 What is it?
01:25:12.000 And I miss that place.
01:25:14.000 It's a Buddhist college.
01:25:16.000 Really?
01:25:17.000 I went there on a Monday.
01:25:18.000 I used to go to... 0.99
01:25:19.000 When I was fucked up in the head, right? 0.98
01:25:20.000 I thought... 0.99
01:25:21.000 I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.
01:25:23.000 I was confused.
01:25:24.000 After prison, I didn't know.
01:25:26.000 And I would go there on Mondays and walk and meditate.
01:25:27.000 I learned how to meditate there.
01:25:29.000 I went to a seminar.
01:25:30.000 I seen Allen Ginsberg there.
01:25:33.000 It's all vegetarians. 0.99
01:25:34.000 I went to a massage therapist there.
01:25:36.000 It was tremendous. 0.53
01:25:37.000 The only time I ever allowed myself, she stunk so bad. 1.00
01:25:41.000 But the massages were so good, but I could smell her fucking armpits and the hummus on there. 1.00
01:25:45.000 It was fucking horrid. 0.99
01:25:47.000 But they were the nicest fucking people in the world, and they always have a course that you'll look at and go, huh. 0.99
01:25:54.000 A class they're teaching? 0.97
01:25:56.000 Like, you know what, man?
01:25:57.000 I was young.
01:25:58.000 I was maybe 30. I didn't know.
01:25:59.000 Right before comedy, I was frustrated.
01:26:01.000 I was married.
01:26:02.000 I didn't know.
01:26:02.000 And I would go there.
01:26:04.000 And I remember taking, like, a humanitarian course or something, you know, and just...
01:26:09.000 But it was so... 0.99
01:26:10.000 I think now it would be more interesting to me, because now I've gained more knowledge, and I know who the fuck I am. 0.99
01:26:15.000 Right. 0.77
01:26:16.000 So if you ever go there again, I never mention it to you.
01:26:18.000 My friend owns the cafeteria, and it's a vegetarian cafeteria, but every once in a while, he's a Spanish dude. 0.99
01:26:24.000 He whips up some badass shit, Lenny. 0.99
01:26:26.000 Yeah? 1.00
01:26:46.000 You go to the garden.
01:26:47.000 If you want to see a good fight, you go to the garden. 0.99
01:26:49.000 If you want to see a smart, keen, badass motherfucker drop knowledge, go to Naropa. 0.99
01:26:55.000 Really? 0.99
01:26:55.000 Go to Boulder! 0.99
01:26:56.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:26:57.000 Boulder's got some fucking... 1.00
01:26:58.000 You know, we met... 1.00
01:27:00.000 Look, bro, they have elite martial artists.
01:27:02.000 They have elite MMA guys in Boulder.
01:27:04.000 They got a float tank business.
01:27:05.000 They have a float tank.
01:27:05.000 They have everything in Boulder.
01:27:07.000 I mean, that's an astronaut school.
01:27:09.000 So there's people who have...
01:27:11.000 It's amazing the quality of people I met in Boulder that I judged that I was, like, blown away by.
01:27:19.000 No, it's a great town.
01:27:20.000 It's one of the best towns in the country. 1.00
01:27:21.000 Just because, you know, when you meet a physicist and he meets a guy like me, he looks down on me in Boulder, those motherfuckers talk to you. 0.99
01:27:27.000 And then they tell you about... 1.00
01:27:29.000 I've stabbed a motherfucker one time. 1.00
01:27:31.000 You're like, what? 1.00
01:27:32.000 You went to Yale. 1.00
01:27:33.000 You got a fucking master's from Harvard. 1.00
01:27:36.000 Yeah, you know, one time some guy, you know, because they're fucking so extreme. 1.00
01:27:41.000 Just because they're geniuses in that level doesn't mean they're nerds, bro. 0.98
01:27:46.000 Especially if they move to Boulder, they might be hunters. 0.99
01:27:50.000 I know a guy that was a fucking brilliant dude, but he was like a racist. 0.99
01:27:53.000 He was a racist? 1.00
01:27:54.000 He was like a KKK racist. 0.99
01:27:56.000 Really? 0.97
01:27:57.000 Because he was that eccentric, Joe.
01:27:59.000 You posted something the other day. 0.98
01:28:01.000 Six geniuses who were perverts. 0.96
01:28:03.000 Yeah. 0.86
01:28:04.000 Bro, when you become that deep, I would go to the Rope and listen.
01:28:08.000 The Ginsberg is one of the guys I remember.
01:28:12.000 I probably went to four seminars there to listen to people speak.
01:28:16.000 Everybody had samples on.
01:28:17.000 Everybody was vegan. 0.97
01:28:18.000 But I grasped a lot of fucking different things, man, that helped me. 1.00
01:28:23.000 I remember going there one time and going, maybe the Catholic religion is bullshit. 1.00
01:28:27.000 The way this motherfucker was dropping it. 1.00
01:28:29.000 They weren't asking you to donate. 1.00
01:28:31.000 They weren't asking you to join.
01:28:32.000 They didn't want you to be rich in gear.
01:28:34.000 I knew the Dalai Lama was going there.
01:28:36.000 Dalai Lama's always swinging in Boulder.
01:28:39.000 Well, he used to.
01:28:40.000 Somebody from that tribe goes to that Naropa.
01:28:43.000 Very interesting, bro.
01:28:45.000 Oh, and I always forgot to ask you, in your travels, did anybody ever approach you and say, I'm somebody from Naropa?
01:28:51.000 No, so it's a Buddhist university?
01:28:53.000 It's like, look at that.
01:28:54.000 Buddhist college? 0.80
01:28:55.000 How do you spell it?
01:28:56.000 N-A-R-O-P-A. Very fucking cool. 1.00
01:29:00.000 N-A-R-O-P-A. And even then, I had like the mind of a fucking thief. 1.00
01:29:05.000 Naropa University. 1.00
01:29:06.000 And they were getting through to me. 1.00
01:29:08.000 I was like, wow, these fucking people are cool as shit. 1.00
01:29:12.000 Because you make judgment. 1.00
01:29:14.000 You're like, oh, just because this guy went to Harvard or whatever, he's not going to be interested in smoking a joint. 1.00
01:29:20.000 Oh, this motherfucker's got a pound in his suitcase under the microscope. 0.99
01:29:24.000 You know, like he grew it or something. 1.00
01:29:26.000 You're like, wow.
01:29:28.000 Yeah, I went to an ashram when I was in Boulder.
01:29:32.000 They were there, an ashram in the mountains, like a Buddhist ashram.
01:29:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:29:35.000 He would just meditate up there in the mountains.
01:29:39.000 And kill bugs.
01:29:40.000 You know, Buddhists are not supposed to kill bugs. 0.63
01:29:42.000 This lady had bug spray. 1.00
01:29:44.000 I go, what are you doing?
01:29:45.000 And she goes, we have an ant problem.
01:29:47.000 I go, wait a minute.
01:29:48.000 You know, you're a Buddhist. 1.00
01:29:49.000 You're not supposed to be spraying fucking bugs. 1.00
01:29:51.000 Like, that's like convenient. 1.00
01:29:53.000 That's very convenient of you that you're spraying ant medication or ant poison out.
01:29:57.000 You're not supposed to do that.
01:29:58.000 What did she say?
01:29:59.000 She goes, yeah, well, it's very unfortunate, but we really have, you know, cleanliness issues. 0.99
01:30:06.000 And I go, listen, you're not supposed to kill fucking ants. 0.98
01:30:09.000 Like, that's half the... 0.99
01:30:10.000 Like, how about vegans that have cats? 1.00
01:30:13.000 Guess what, fuckface? 1.00
01:30:15.000 You're not a vegan. 1.00
01:30:16.000 If you have a cat and you're a vegan and you're feeding your cat cat food, you're feeding your cat murdered animals.
01:30:22.000 You are buying murdered animals.
01:30:24.000 You yourself are responsible for the death of animals.
01:30:28.000 Period.
01:30:30.000 Fact. 1.00
01:30:30.000 Jamie Kilstein, all you fucking people that are vegans and post photos of your cats, those cats are murderers. 1.00
01:30:36.000 That's the only thing cats do. 1.00
01:30:38.000 If you have a cat and you try to feed your cat vegan cat food, they fucking go blind. 0.99
01:30:42.000 They start shitting themselves, start walking into walls. 1.00
01:30:45.000 They don't get enough protein.
01:30:46.000 You can't feed them vegan cat food.
01:30:48.000 Yeah, they can't exist.
01:30:51.000 You go to forums, like vegan cat forums, it's hilarious.
01:30:55.000 Because post after post you see people saying, well, I've finally given in and I had to start feeding my cat regular cat food. 0.93
01:31:02.000 Of course you did, he's a little murderer. 0.99
01:31:04.000 Your cats are murderers. 0.96
01:31:06.000 You're a person who believes that animals shouldn't die but you're contributing to those animals dying so that you feed your animal that kills animals. 0.98
01:31:14.000 Do you understand how crazy this all is? 0.96
01:31:17.000 That highlights the whole hypocrisy of the idea of not taking life. 0.94
01:31:22.000 You take life. 0.73
01:31:23.000 Everybody takes life.
01:31:24.000 Like takes life.
01:31:26.000 Life takes life, whether you like it or not, unfortunately.
01:31:29.000 And it doesn't mean that you can't be a really good person and have a cat and only contribute to a certain amount of cat murder because, look at these cats eating you.
01:31:38.000 You're next. 0.99
01:31:40.000 Dirty monsters. 1.00
01:31:41.000 Bred down, but still dirty monsters at heart. 0.98
01:31:44.000 You know, the idea behind it is hilarious. 0.64
01:31:47.000 And I don't mean to single out... 0.99
01:31:49.000 The reason why I did it is because so many vegans that I've run into who are these self-righteous fuckers will take pictures with their cats. 1.00
01:31:57.000 Like, look at you. 0.99
01:31:59.000 That's not being a vegan. 0.91
01:32:00.000 You're buying, you're spending money to get animals killed.
01:32:04.000 That's a fact.
01:32:05.000 Unless you're out there, like, unless you just let your cat forage for itself, then you just live with a murderer. 0.99
01:32:10.000 You know, you're a vegan who lives with a murderer. 0.60
01:32:12.000 But if you're a vegan and you go out there buying cat food, guess what, dude? 0.98
01:32:15.000 You ain't a vegan. 1.00
01:32:17.000 This is gonna be a bit, I hope so, because I'm dying to laugh in your fucking face right now. 1.00
01:32:22.000 You are hysterical right now. 0.99
01:32:24.000 Because I actually, this and the vegans is getting deep with you lately.
01:32:28.000 It makes me angry. 1.00
01:32:29.000 We're going to war with these motherfuckers. 1.00
01:32:31.000 We're going to war. 1.00
01:32:31.000 Let's go to war. 1.00
01:32:31.000 We're going to war like Tony Montana when he tells my lover we're going to war. 1.00
01:32:35.000 He's like, what?
01:32:36.000 We're going to war against self-righteousness.
01:32:38.000 That's what it is.
01:32:40.000 You know, listen.
01:32:41.000 They miss the big picture.
01:32:42.000 Look, man, when you worked at Fear Factor, I'm sure there were some really cool people. 0.99
01:32:47.000 And then there were some real fucking douchebags. 0.98
01:32:50.000 When we went to Boulder, let me tell you something, man, there were some lovely people in Boulder. 1.00
01:32:55.000 Brilliant.
01:32:57.000 Brilliant. 0.99
01:32:58.000 And then again, there's the people who are, there's people out there, 60% of these people that pick a fucking hobby or whatever the fuck they call it, it's a hobby, bro. 0.99
01:33:07.000 It's a social activity anymore. 0.99
01:33:09.000 Religions have become a social activity.
01:33:11.000 You understand me?
01:33:12.000 Nobody becomes, you know, somebody does something that's because they really believe in it.
01:33:17.000 They really want to do it.
01:33:18.000 Not anymore, dawg.
01:33:20.000 Not anymore, dog.
01:33:22.000 People join something just to be a part of something.
01:33:24.000 It's a social whatever.
01:33:26.000 That's a lot of it. 1.00
01:33:27.000 I see it every fucking day. 0.99
01:33:30.000 Social brownie points. 1.00
01:33:31.000 I see it every day.
01:33:32.000 Yeah, to take the high ground.
01:33:33.000 I'm bored.
01:33:34.000 I'm lonely.
01:33:34.000 What am I going to do?
01:33:35.000 I got three windows. 0.99
01:33:36.000 I might be gay. 0.99
01:33:37.000 I might save cats. 0.98
01:33:39.000 You know, I was in Hollywood one day and I'm eating and there was a guy behind me and he was gay and I'm like, this guy cannot be this gay, Jimmy. 0.80
01:33:47.000 Jamie, this guy cannot be this gay. 1.00
01:33:48.000 Why can he not be that gay? 0.97
01:33:49.000 Because nobody is that gay. 1.00
01:33:50.000 But there are people.
01:33:51.000 Not that gay! 1.00
01:33:53.000 This guy was that gay! 0.99
01:33:55.000 Like, too gay! 1.00
01:33:56.000 Like, oh my god! 0.99
01:33:57.000 The whole thing, the cologne, the scarf around the neck.
01:34:00.000 You know those guys that overdo it?
01:34:02.000 The guy I kidnapped.
01:34:03.000 Not Vela.
01:34:04.000 But the guy I kidnapped, my partner that was going to kidnap me?
01:34:07.000 Yes. 1.00
01:34:07.000 I should stab myself every day for having him as my partner. 1.00
01:34:10.000 He had everything a guy needed to be a guy. 1.00
01:34:13.000 He had a pit bull.
01:34:14.000 He had a black car with tinted windows and a loud stereo.
01:34:17.000 He had a motorcycle.
01:34:18.000 He had a tattoo.
01:34:20.000 He hung out at strip clubs.
01:34:21.000 He was that guy.
01:34:23.000 He was the common guy.
01:34:24.000 Who's your connection?
01:34:25.000 I can't tell you that right now. 1.00
01:34:26.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00
01:34:27.000 He was that guy. 1.00
01:34:31.000 It's the same thing in life now.
01:34:33.000 I see it every day.
01:34:34.000 People, they're hobbyists, bro.
01:34:36.000 They're hobbyists. 0.99
01:34:37.000 This is a hobbyist thing until the next mindfuck comes up. 0.97
01:34:40.000 You know, they dive into something. 0.96
01:34:42.000 It's a yoga club.
01:34:43.000 They go there.
01:34:44.000 It's socially, man.
01:34:46.000 It's socially.
01:34:47.000 God forbid you don't walk in the street anymore.
01:34:50.000 Remember when we were kids?
01:34:51.000 When you ever go to a prom...
01:34:52.000 What do you call those parties in college?
01:34:55.000 Keg party? 0.97
01:34:56.000 Yeah.
01:34:56.000 Frat party?
01:34:57.000 Whatever.
01:34:57.000 You go to a keg party.
01:34:59.000 How do they salute you people?
01:35:01.000 It's an American thing. 1.00
01:35:04.000 With the fucking Budweiser. 1.00
01:35:05.000 With the label. 1.00
01:35:07.000 Because God forbid you can't see a label and they shake your hand.
01:35:10.000 It's like a thing.
01:35:11.000 Go and walk the streets in the morning.
01:35:12.000 So they're holding up a label to let you know they're in a certain group.
01:35:16.000 I'm drinking a Pabst Blue River.
01:35:18.000 Look, I've got it out there.
01:35:20.000 I'm very ironic.
01:35:21.000 Okay, but now it's turned into Starbucks.
01:35:23.000 God forbid a human being doesn't have a Starbucks cup in their hand by 8 o'clock in this society.
01:35:30.000 God forbid if you work in an office and six people every day walk in with a mocha, soy, almond... 1.00
01:35:37.000 You know, gluten-free, sperm-free fucking double latte. 0.99
01:35:42.000 God forbid the guy who walks in with a 7-Eleven cup of coffee. 1.00
01:35:46.000 Right.
01:35:47.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
01:35:48.000 He's a loser. 1.00
01:35:49.000 What do you pour? 1.00
01:35:50.000 We all have to fucking have that Starbucks cup. 0.99
01:35:53.000 You know, is Starbucks that fucking great, really? 0.99
01:35:56.000 Well, you know what Starbucks is these days? 0.97
01:35:58.000 I mean, nothing wrong with coffee, but what a lot of people are buying is like a super sweet shake. 0.93
01:36:03.000 You're buying a super sweet shake that has caffeine and whipped cream in it and fucking all those venti things that people buy, those blended things, ice blended, vanilla, soy. 0.92
01:36:15.000 It's a shake. 0.99
01:36:16.000 It's a shake with drugs in it.
01:36:18.000 No offense, dog.
01:36:18.000 I'm from Jersey.
01:36:19.000 Give me that motherfucker black. 1.00
01:36:21.000 Because where I come from, black is beautiful. 1.00
01:36:23.000 I came to New Jersey. 0.81
01:36:25.000 Don't touch that!
01:36:26.000 When you go to Jersey in the mornings, you drove a limo.
01:36:29.000 You know what it's like?
01:36:30.000 Can you imagine going to your diner in Boston and going, you know what, let me get some soy milk. 1.00
01:36:34.000 They would throw that fucking black coffee at you. 1.00
01:36:37.000 For 2,000 years, America drank a fucking, from a cup that looked like a bowling ball, like a helmet that they put in Mars. 1.00
01:36:44.000 Yeah, like a fish tank. 0.99
01:36:46.000 And you got it with, what did you used to do?
01:36:48.000 Regular.
01:36:48.000 What was your regular coffee when we were growing up?
01:36:50.000 Cream and sugar. 0.99
01:36:51.000 A little bit of cream, a little bit of sugar, light, whatever the fuck. 0.99
01:36:55.000 That's it. 0.99
01:36:55.000 If you go to Dunkin' Donuts, you'll ask for a regular coffee. 0.99
01:36:57.000 They give it to you with cream and sugar.
01:36:59.000 Come on.
01:36:59.000 Yeah.
01:37:00.000 Today still?
01:37:00.000 Yeah, for sure.
01:37:01.000 Yeah.
01:37:02.000 Ask for, like, there's places where you can go to this day. 0.98
01:37:04.000 Fucking tremendous. 0.99
01:37:05.000 Have a regular coffee. 0.99
01:37:06.000 They'll pour the cream in for you, pour a couple dashes of sugar.
01:37:09.000 For 36,000 years, Americans ate a butter roll. 0.99
01:37:12.000 Every motherfucker in the East Coast ate a butter roll. 0.99
01:37:14.000 That's it. 1.00
01:37:15.000 Fuck the egg, fuck the gluten, fuck the protein. 1.00
01:37:18.000 Bagels with butter. 1.00
01:37:19.000 Bagels with butter. 0.98
01:37:20.000 That was every fucking corner in New York City would have, like, they would sell those wrapped up rolls with butter, already buttered, or wrapped up bagels, already buttered. 0.99
01:37:30.000 Fucking amazing. 0.99
01:37:31.000 Yeah, I just needed some calories. 0.99
01:37:33.000 No, but now it's like, if you don't have a Starbucks fucking coffee, so that lady you met in Boulder... 1.00
01:37:38.000 Because let me tell you one thing about Boulder, I believe. 0.98
01:37:41.000 Boulder specializes in one thing.
01:37:44.000 They specialize, if you're serious about your health and your life...
01:37:48.000 The value of your life.
01:37:50.000 People who value their lives.
01:37:51.000 Like somebody lives in a big city, and one day he has a heart attack at 33, and he's a stockbroker. 0.99
01:37:57.000 And yeah, he's got $30 million in the bank, but he's fucking 33. Those guys, when they go, it's over. 0.99
01:38:03.000 And they move to Bull, and they open up a bookstore on Pearl Street.
01:38:07.000 You don't know. 0.99
01:38:08.000 You walk by there and go, how does this fucking make a living? 0.97
01:38:12.000 It's people who want to enhance their lives. 1.00
01:38:14.000 Well, people realize that you don't have to be around this many goddamn people. 0.98
01:38:17.000 I did Kevin and Bean yesterday, so I was up at 5.50. 0.98
01:38:21.000 I was in my car by 6 a.m., driving on the highway.
01:38:24.000 Packed!
01:38:27.000 Packed.
01:38:27.000 Packed.
01:38:28.000 Fucking 30 miles an hour going down the 101. It's 6 o'clock in the morning. 0.99
01:38:32.000 It's madness.
01:38:33.000 God forbid you get there at 7.30 or 8. It's death.
01:38:37.000 It's hot death for a dozen miles. 1.00
01:38:39.000 And there's too many motherfuckers, man. 1.00
01:38:41.000 It's not good for you. 1.00
01:38:42.000 It's not good for you.
01:38:43.000 If you have to live here, I totally understand, but you and I don't.
01:38:46.000 We don't have to live here.
01:38:47.000 We're on the road all the time. 0.99
01:38:48.000 I'm going to start Skyping shit in. 1.00
01:38:49.000 I'm going to put Jamie in a goddamn fish tank, and I'm going to start Skyping from the middle of nowhere. 1.00
01:38:53.000 I'm going to figure out how to do that. 0.99
01:38:55.000 Ari Shaffir does that. 1.00
01:38:56.000 When he does that Punch Drunk podcast, he's in New York, and they're over here.
01:38:59.000 He Skypes. 0.98
01:39:00.000 He's in a little corner, a little fucking square. 0.99
01:39:03.000 It's amazing how when I get on a plane, when I travel, I get to 6 a.m. 0.99
01:39:09.000 Because, let me tell you something, bro.
01:39:12.000 And you're going to look at me and say, no way.
01:39:13.000 There's a huge difference on the 405 from 10 to 6 and 10 after 6. It's miraculous.
01:39:20.000 Oh, yeah.
01:39:20.000 It's something you've never seen.
01:39:22.000 And I'll do it with you.
01:39:23.000 I'll go there five days with the camera and go, you ready?
01:39:25.000 That's 10 to 6. You see it moving?
01:39:27.000 Yeah.
01:39:28.000 Watch 10 after 6. Glink.
01:39:29.000 Glink.
01:39:30.000 Clank.
01:39:30.000 Look at that HOV lane.
01:39:32.000 Look at that motherfucker. 1.00
01:39:33.000 Stuck. 1.00
01:39:34.000 Yep.
01:39:35.000 Stuck.
01:39:35.000 HOV. Nine motherfuckers in a car.
01:39:38.000 Stuck. 1.00
01:39:39.000 No, man. 1.00
01:39:39.000 I get in that fucking car at 445. You know it takes me 20 minutes to get the fucking 405 at 4 in the morning, 5 in the morning? 1.00
01:39:46.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99
01:39:47.000 25 minutes.
01:39:48.000 It's beautiful.
01:39:49.000 It's beautiful.
01:39:50.000 Four in the morning.
01:39:51.000 It's beautiful.
01:39:51.000 Unbelievable.
01:39:52.000 I get to the fucking airport. 0.99
01:39:53.000 I park in the 3 right by the elevator. 1.00
01:39:55.000 I'm in and out of there. 0.99
01:39:56.000 You know what I do sometimes if I got a wild hair up my ass? 0.98
01:39:58.000 I'll take my car up into the mountains. 0.97
01:40:01.000 Like, you ever go up Angeles Crest Highway?
01:40:03.000 I don't know what that is.
01:40:04.000 Angeles Crest Highway off the 210?
01:40:06.000 If you go off the 210, and driving from this studio towards Pasadena, if you went up through the 118 to the 210, there's an area called the Angel's Crest Highway, and you take it up into the mountains, just a two-lane road. 0.90
01:40:21.000 If you go up there at like 5 o'clock in the morning, 6 o'clock in the morning, it's fucking dead empty.
01:40:25.000 And right when the sun starts to come up, just drive.
01:40:27.000 Just drive up there. 0.99
01:40:28.000 Just drive up there and see the mountains and the hills and there's not a fucking soul in sight. 0.98
01:40:33.000 When you could do that, when you can get on the highway and you see like one car a mile up and... 0.98
01:40:37.000 One car like a mile back, and that's it. 1.00
01:40:40.000 Just you three motherfuckers. 1.00
01:40:41.000 And one guy going this way, one guy... 1.00
01:40:42.000 It's like relaxing.
01:40:44.000 It gives you a feeling of peace. 1.00
01:40:46.000 Because you're so constantly concentrating on all these motherfuckers. 1.00
01:40:49.000 This guy next to you is in a truck, and this guy next to you is kind of weaving in and out of lanes, and this motherfucker in front of you is going too slow, and it's like so much shit to think about. 1.00
01:40:57.000 When you can just get on a highway and there's nobody, it's a peaceful feeling. 0.99
01:41:01.000 You just go for it.
01:41:02.000 You forget.
01:41:03.000 Driving is nice.
01:41:05.000 Remember when you were a little kid, you first got your driver's license?
01:41:07.000 And you're like, woo-hoo!
01:41:09.000 Not little kid, but, you know, 18, whatever.
01:41:11.000 You first get to, remember, imagine four-year-olds were driving.
01:41:15.000 Like, driving is fun.
01:41:17.000 Like, my six-year-old, she's learning how to ride a bike.
01:41:19.000 So I'm teaching her how to ride a bike without training wheels.
01:41:21.000 So we're moving around, showing her how to do tight turns and stuff.
01:41:23.000 And she's having the time of her life. 0.99
01:41:25.000 And I'm thinking, if I had to drive a bike in this little fucking ass driveway, I would be so bored. 1.00
01:41:30.000 But to a six-year-old, it's like, woohoo! 1.00
01:41:32.000 It's so fun.
01:41:34.000 That's what it's like when you first start driving a car.
01:41:36.000 It's fun.
01:41:37.000 And you forget, like, driving a car just is a pleasure.
01:41:40.000 If you have a car that works right, and you're out on a nice road, and there's no one there.
01:41:45.000 And the music's on it.
01:41:46.000 Oh, yeah.
01:41:47.000 A little stone.
01:41:47.000 Jesus.
01:41:48.000 Googly moogly.
01:41:49.000 A beautiful view?
01:41:51.000 A beautiful view to look out at?
01:41:52.000 That's the thing that really gets me about Colorado, more than anything, is the sheer beauty of the landscape.
01:41:58.000 Boulder, like, how about Evergreen?
01:42:00.000 When you're driving from Evergreen down into Denver, people don't know about Evergreen.
01:42:04.000 Evergreen is a half an hour outside of Denver.
01:42:06.000 When you make that turn and you see those green trees like that, just thousands of them in.
01:42:11.000 You might as well be on that Mountain Men TV show. 0.99
01:42:13.000 You might as well be one of those fucking dudes that makes their own wood. 1.00
01:42:17.000 You're up there in the middle of the fucking mountain, 30 minutes from Denver. 1.00
01:42:22.000 Beautiful. 0.99
01:42:23.000 I remember the last time I had peace of mind was when I was shooting The Longest Yard, and I was off on Saturdays and Sundays, and they opted.
01:42:31.000 They said, you can either go home or stay.
01:42:32.000 I would stay in the hotel.
01:42:34.000 The hotel would be empty.
01:42:36.000 There'd be a couple of us that would stay down there.
01:42:39.000 And I would get the rental car, dog, and I would get on that road, and I'd go to Taos.
01:42:45.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:42:45.000 I'd drive to all those places.
01:42:47.000 I'd stop.
01:42:47.000 I'd get a green chili burrito.
01:42:48.000 That's all hippies, right?
01:42:49.000 Taos is hippies? 1.00
01:42:50.000 All hippies, and I'd turn the fucking car around three, four hours. 1.00
01:42:52.000 No traffic. 1.00
01:42:54.000 No traffic.
01:42:55.000 I'd just get on whatever road.
01:42:56.000 I don't know what it was now.
01:42:58.000 You ever do that drive from San Diego to Vegas? 1.00
01:43:02.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
01:43:03.000 That's a nice drive. 1.00
01:43:04.000 That's a beautiful drive.
01:43:05.000 That's not a bad drive.
01:43:05.000 When you go through those weird desert areas...
01:43:08.000 And you get to see those...
01:43:09.000 I went to the Air Force Base.
01:43:11.000 I forget which base it is down there, where the Blue Angels are.
01:43:13.000 I did a...
01:43:14.000 I forget the name of it.
01:43:16.000 But I had to drive down to San Diego, and then from San Diego, I had to go across, like, quite a while to get to this Air Force Base where they took me on a flight with the Blue Angels.
01:43:27.000 And you're driving through these desert areas with these beautiful rock formations and shit.
01:43:32.000 It's gorgeous out there. 0.99
01:43:33.000 As long as you have A.C., it's fucking gorgeous. 0.99
01:43:36.000 Like, seeing the cool rock structures and shit, it's a pleasure, you know? 0.99
01:43:40.000 People forget. 0.99
01:43:41.000 We live here in L.A., and we associate driving with being a pain in the ass. 0.99
01:43:46.000 How sad is that? 0.99
01:43:47.000 Sad. 1.00
01:43:48.000 It's like it's fucking like you wake up in the morning, your feet touch, and you're like, fuck! 1.00
01:43:52.000 I gotta go to Hollywood at 2.30. 1.00
01:43:54.000 God damn it! 1.00
01:43:55.000 God fucking damn it! 1.00
01:43:57.000 And you start looking, and then you put on Channel 5, and they're telling you the 101. There's an accident on the way here, bro. 1.00
01:44:04.000 I left my house at fucking 10.20. 0.98
01:44:06.000 I should have been here early. 0.99
01:44:08.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:44:09.000 A fucking car flipped on the other side. 1.00
01:44:12.000 As I was driving, the people hanging by their fucking seatbelts. 1.00
01:44:17.000 I mean, it was that far left when I was in my far left. 1.00
01:44:19.000 Wow.
01:44:20.000 So I got to see it. 1.00
01:44:21.000 And three motherfuckers out with their fucking cameras with TMZ. Of course. 1.00
01:44:25.000 Jesus Christ, Joe Rogan.
01:44:28.000 That's justifiable homicide where I come from.
01:44:31.000 Justifiable homicide? 1.00
01:44:32.000 Just to shoot them right there. 1.00
01:44:33.000 Pull over. 1.00
01:44:33.000 What is wrong with you? 1.00
01:44:34.000 Somebody's yelling for their life, and you have your fucking camera on, you miserable motherfucker. 1.00
01:44:40.000 And there was people getting out of their cars, helping them. 1.00
01:44:43.000 I mean, it was bumper to bumper. 0.99
01:44:44.000 I don't know how the fucking ambulance is going to get in. 0.99
01:44:47.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:44:48.000 Well, that's sometimes people have to help. 1.00
01:44:50.000 Welcome to the fucking world of cameras, my friend. 0.99
01:44:52.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:44:54.000 Somebody's yelling for their life, and you've got a fucking camera on, for the love of Christ. 1.00
01:44:58.000 What kind of goddamn human being are you? 1.00
01:45:01.000 Just to extend your hand for the person to see your hand. 1.00
01:45:04.000 You know what's fucked up, though?
01:45:05.000 You talk to them, and they're nice guys.
01:45:07.000 Those TMZ camera guys, a lot of those guys are very nice guys.
01:45:10.000 I don't even know if it was a TMZ guy. 0.99
01:45:12.000 There was two people with cell phones, and a guy had a little fucking camera. 0.97
01:45:16.000 I was like, Well, some people are just filming because they're there. 0.98
01:45:19.000 I mean, some people, if they have something on them that can record, they have to record things.
01:45:23.000 Oh my God, I can't believe this.
01:45:24.000 Let me get this on video.
01:45:25.000 But a lot of these guys are just guys who have a job. 1.00
01:45:29.000 The real problem is that people want to read that shit. 1.00
01:45:33.000 That's the real problem, including us. 1.00
01:45:35.000 It's compelling. 0.96
01:45:36.000 You find out about some crazy story, some nutty shit happened, TMZ has a video of it.
01:45:40.000 You don't go to it, ever? 0.91
01:45:42.000 No TMZ? I used to watch it two, three years ago, so it's six o'clock.
01:45:47.000 Now I just watch the news.
01:45:48.000 If there's something, something fucking completely crazy happens, you're gonna, you know, people are gonna want to see it.
01:45:54.000 They're gonna want to see a video.
01:45:55.000 I think I went to some, when Snoop, when whatever got knocked out, I was curious.
01:46:00.000 Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:46:02.000 Because the valet guy knocked him out.
01:46:05.000 The record producer, you know.
01:46:08.000 Not Puff Daddy, but the guy from the West Coast rap.
01:46:11.000 I know who you're talking about.
01:46:11.000 We always talk about him.
01:46:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:46:13.000 Suge Knight.
01:46:13.000 Suge Knight.
01:46:14.000 Sorry about that.
01:46:14.000 Yeah.
01:46:15.000 A barber knocked him out, right?
01:46:16.000 Some dude owned a barbershop in LA. But he was a valet, right?
01:46:19.000 I don't think so.
01:46:20.000 Something.
01:46:21.000 I think it was out of valet.
01:46:21.000 Tiny guy or something.
01:46:22.000 Yeah.
01:46:23.000 Oh, out of valet.
01:46:23.000 Okay.
01:46:24.000 I don't remember exactly what happened.
01:46:26.000 But, yeah.
01:46:27.000 Yeah, we live in a weird world.
01:46:29.000 See those videos all the time.
01:46:31.000 Every day there's new ones.
01:46:32.000 Every day there's some new thing. 1.00
01:46:34.000 Jamie watches all that shit. 1.00
01:46:36.000 Every time I come in here, this motherfucker's got some new Beyonce story for me. 1.00
01:46:39.000 I always find out late. 0.99
01:46:40.000 I found out about the T.I. Mayweather fight.
01:46:44.000 Oh, the Mayweather fight.
01:46:45.000 I never saw that, but everybody says the video's online.
01:46:48.000 You know, T.I. went on Opie and Anthony after that.
01:46:49.000 It was fucking hilarious. 0.97
01:46:51.000 He's really funny. 0.98
01:46:52.000 He's like a real relaxed dude.
01:46:53.000 He's a fun dude.
01:46:54.000 What happened?
01:46:56.000 I don't know.
01:46:57.000 I don't even know if the video or the appearance on Opie and Anthony was after that fight.
01:47:04.000 I was just in my car and they were talking.
01:47:07.000 And, you know, you look at the series, it shows you who the guest is, and it said T.I. He was fun.
01:47:12.000 He was a fun guy, man.
01:47:13.000 He looked like he was having a good time with them.
01:47:14.000 I watched it.
01:47:15.000 Didn't he get busted with guns?
01:47:16.000 Yes.
01:47:17.000 Okay, he looks like a fun guy.
01:47:19.000 He did a movie. 0.96
01:47:20.000 He did American Fucking Gangster. 0.98
01:47:22.000 He was in American Gangster? 0.98
01:47:23.000 Yeah, he's the baseball player.
01:47:24.000 The Denzel Washington movie?
01:47:25.000 Yeah, he's the one that was the baseball player that he got on the trial with the Yankees and didn't show up.
01:47:30.000 Then Denzel goes up to him and goes, how come he didn't show up?
01:47:32.000 He goes, what am I going to play baseball for?
01:47:34.000 I want to be like you.
01:47:35.000 Oh, that's funny.
01:47:36.000 Did you see the ads for the new James Brown movie?
01:47:39.000 No.
01:47:40.000 They got a James Brown movie.
01:47:41.000 Who's playing James Brown?
01:47:42.000 I don't know.
01:47:43.000 Some dude I don't know.
01:47:44.000 Here, let's pull it up.
01:47:46.000 Brown movie.
01:47:47.000 I went to see the Tom Cruise movie last night.
01:47:50.000 The Edge of Tomorrow. 0.99
01:47:51.000 It's fucking great. 0.99
01:47:52.000 That movie is great. 0.99
01:47:54.000 It's really good, man.
01:47:56.000 It's called Get On Up.
01:47:57.000 Get up.
01:47:58.000 Get on up.
01:48:00.000 Dude's name is Chadwick Boseman.
01:48:04.000 Hmm.
01:48:05.000 I don't know who that is.
01:48:06.000 Do you know who that is?
01:48:07.000 Chadwick Boseman.
01:48:09.000 Okay.
01:48:10.000 Handsome fella. 1.00
01:48:10.000 He's been in a bunch of shit. 1.00
01:48:12.000 He's been... 1.00
01:48:12.000 He was on All My Children. 1.00
01:48:14.000 Ha ha! 0.86
01:48:15.000 No way.
01:48:16.000 It says 1970. Must be a different guy.
01:48:18.000 When does James Brown, the movie, come out?
01:48:20.000 Chadwick Boseman.
01:48:21.000 It came out...
01:48:22.000 It can't be out.
01:48:23.000 It says All My Children, 1970. It's gotta be a different Chadwick Boseman, you dummies. 0.91
01:48:29.000 That doesn't make any sense.
01:48:31.000 The guy, he's not that old.
01:48:33.000 Maybe he was a kid on the show, though.
01:48:34.000 No, he's not even...
01:48:35.000 That would mean he would have to be, what, 40-something years old?
01:48:38.000 No way.
01:48:39.000 So the movie came out already?
01:48:43.000 No, no, no, no.
01:48:44.000 It's not out yet.
01:48:46.000 It's the ads for it right now.
01:48:49.000 He was in that movie 42. He played Jackie Robinson.
01:48:51.000 Oh, that dude's badass.
01:48:52.000 Okay, yeah, yeah.
01:48:53.000 That was a good movie, you know.
01:48:54.000 I heard it was really good.
01:48:55.000 Yeah, he was good.
01:48:56.000 That kid was good.
01:48:57.000 He was very good.
01:48:57.000 You know who was good in that movie?
01:48:59.000 You know who was fucking badass in that movie, dawg? 1.00
01:49:02.000 Harrison fucking Ford. 1.00
01:49:04.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:49:05.000 Damn! 1.00
01:49:05.000 He was in disguise. 1.00
01:49:07.000 Harrison Ford.
01:49:07.000 He dropped it on him.
01:49:08.000 I mean, he says some shit that you're like... 1.00
01:49:11.000 Look at fucking Harrison Ford selling it. 1.00
01:49:14.000 Isn't it interesting this dude's playing two famous dead black dudes? 1.00
01:49:18.000 What do you want to do?
01:49:19.000 He's their go-to guy.
01:49:21.000 Hey, dog, you need insurance. 1.00
01:49:22.000 Sag Insurance is a motherfucker. 1.00
01:49:23.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
01:49:24.000 You got to do what you gots to do sometimes.
01:49:27.000 Get up! 1.00
01:49:29.000 That fucking Tom Cruise movie is good, man. 1.00
01:49:32.000 I'm telling you, it was one of the most original science fiction movies I've ever seen. 0.99
01:49:35.000 I had low expectations. 0.99
01:49:37.000 I went into it, I thought it was going to be some shoot-em-up where Tom Cruise does the standard shit in every one of them. 0.99
01:49:43.000 Standard, you know, like calm, cool, collected... 0.99
01:49:46.000 You know, facing the adversity.
01:49:47.000 No.
01:49:47.000 It was a complex character that he had to play, and the movie was very complex.
01:49:52.000 There was a lot going on.
01:49:53.000 It was like about time travel.
01:49:55.000 It was part of the movie.
01:49:57.000 It was an alien movie, an alien invasion movie about time travel.
01:50:00.000 I can't tell you any more.
01:50:01.000 I'll give you a spoiler alert. 0.99
01:50:02.000 But it's a fucking good movie, man. 1.00
01:50:05.000 It was a good fucking movie. 0.99
01:50:06.000 Like, I'd give it a 9 out of 10. It was a really good movie. 0.99
01:50:10.000 Like, one of the most original science fiction movies I've ever seen.
01:50:12.000 You see it in 3D? No.
01:50:14.000 No, I just saw it regular.
01:50:15.000 I'm not wearing glasses.
01:50:16.000 Hey, dog, you ever see the movie King of New York?
01:50:18.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:50:19.000 Fuck yeah, man. 1.00
01:50:20.000 It's a great movie. 1.00
01:50:21.000 About a year ago, Constantine Rain, this dude on Twitter, told me, and I'm like, fuck that movie. 1.00
01:50:25.000 It's overrated as fuck. 1.00
01:50:27.000 It was on the other night. 1.00
01:50:29.000 Holy shit, Joe Rogan. 0.99
01:50:30.000 But to me, he didn't do it. 0.99
01:50:32.000 I mean, Christopher Walken's always Christopher Walken, right? 1.00
01:50:35.000 Lawrence Fishburne stole that motherfucker. 1.00
01:50:37.000 Lawrence Fishburne stole that motherfucker! 1.00
01:50:40.000 Listen, I come to the conclusion that he's the best black actor now. 1.00
01:50:44.000 And I'll prove it to you.
01:50:45.000 You know, when he beats the chick in the movie, Tina Turner, he plays a different type of black dude.
01:50:52.000 Don't make me say it. 0.94
01:50:53.000 And then in whatever, he plays a completely different type of black dude.
01:50:59.000 But the opening of that movie, he goes to King Tito's house to buy the coke with Steve Buscemi. 0.99
01:51:05.000 And Steve Buscemi's, what do you call that shit? 0.99
01:51:08.000 Weighing out the coke, making sure it's good. 1.00
01:51:10.000 And fucking Lawrence Fishburne is torturing this drug dealer. 0.99
01:51:14.000 Yo, you play ball? 1.00
01:51:16.000 Not by looking at you.
01:51:17.000 You got a coke?
01:51:18.000 And he keeps torturing him, torturing him. 1.00
01:51:20.000 And then finally the guy, you got the fucking drugs, you fucking black guy, I don't do business. 1.00
01:51:26.000 And he gives him the thing, and the guy's about to open up the briefcase to check the money, and he fucking slams and he goes, Where's my motherfucking coach? 1.00
01:51:34.000 Right? 0.99
01:51:35.000 Which is classic.
01:51:36.000 And he finally opens it up and it's all tampons. 0.99
01:51:39.000 And he goes, what the fuck is this? 1.00
01:51:41.000 To plug your motherfucking holes. 1.00
01:51:42.000 And he shoots them and the black guy comes through. 1.00
01:51:45.000 Room service! 0.99
01:51:46.000 And they start shooting people. 1.00
01:51:47.000 That's the best opening to any fucking movie I've seen. 0.99
01:51:50.000 I forgot all about that movie. 1.00
01:51:51.000 I sat there going, what the fuck is this? 0.99
01:51:54.000 Tremendous. 1.00
01:51:55.000 Yeah.
01:51:56.000 Tremendous.
01:51:56.000 I recommend it if you haven't seen in a long time.
01:51:58.000 Christopher Walken.
01:52:00.000 You know who's in that movie, dawg?
01:52:02.000 The black dude from Lost.
01:52:05.000 He's the kid on the elevator that goes to mug Christopher Walken.
01:52:08.000 And Christopher Walken throws him like $10,000 and goes, come see me, I'll give you a job.
01:52:12.000 They look at the money, they take off.
01:52:14.000 That's the little black dude from Lost that was also...
01:52:16.000 He's in a thousand things.
01:52:18.000 He was a young kid.
01:52:19.000 Really?
01:52:20.000 Like a young kid, like, you know, 20, 18. No shit. 1.00
01:52:23.000 It's amazing when you see these old movies and you're like, wow, look who the fuck that is playing one scene, like in The Thief. 1.00
01:52:31.000 Man Hunter, that dude that was CSI for 18 years. 0.98
01:52:35.000 That dude was on, the dude from Lost was on, he was on the fucking, the prison movie, Oz. 0.94
01:52:42.000 He was in Oz, too. 0.96
01:52:43.000 Oz, too, yeah.
01:52:44.000 The guy in the wheelchair.
01:52:45.000 Yeah, yeah, that dude's been around. 1.00
01:52:46.000 You look at these guys and go, what the fuck? 0.98
01:52:49.000 Yeah, how about Lawrence Fishburne? 1.00
01:52:50.000 He was in fucking Apocalypse Now. 1.00
01:52:52.000 Dog, I talked to him one day in front of a fucking weed store. 1.00
01:52:56.000 No shit. 1.00
01:52:56.000 And he was talking to me about how he was 14 and he had to bring his mother down there because they shot down in the Philippines. 1.00
01:53:03.000 They were there for a year, bro.
01:53:04.000 Wow.
01:53:05.000 He was a kid.
01:53:06.000 On that boat, he was 14 years old, 15 years old. 1.00
01:53:09.000 He was a fucking child. 1.00
01:53:10.000 Yeah, he was really young. 1.00
01:53:11.000 And that movie took a long time to film.
01:53:13.000 Two years.
01:53:15.000 That's when the studios were just...
01:53:17.000 And Marlon Brando was on that one.
01:53:19.000 So Marlon Brando... 1.00
01:53:20.000 This is what this motherfucker did. 1.00
01:53:22.000 They met with him. 1.00
01:53:23.000 They're like, Marlon, we love you.
01:53:24.000 But get it together.
01:53:26.000 You're getting a little heavy. 1.00
01:53:27.000 You're playing a fucking major. 0.99
01:53:30.000 You're playing a guy who parachutes out of planes. 1.00
01:53:33.000 Please.
01:53:34.000 Work out.
01:53:35.000 How much a trainer caught?
01:53:36.000 Give him a check for a trainer.
01:53:37.000 What do you want?
01:53:38.000 $10,000?
01:53:38.000 Give him $20,000.
01:53:39.000 Get the best trainer, lose the weight.
01:53:41.000 Marlon took the check.
01:53:42.000 Absolutely. 1.00
01:53:43.000 Dog, post time, that motherfucker showed up 20 pounds overweight than what he was at the meeting. 1.00
01:53:48.000 They were furious. 0.99
01:53:49.000 That's why all the scenes are dark.
01:53:51.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:53:51.000 That's why they only show his head and shit. 1.00
01:53:53.000 Holding his head. 1.00
01:53:54.000 They never showed his body in that movie.
01:53:56.000 That's why. 1.00
01:53:57.000 Because they were like, dog, what the fuck? 0.99
01:53:59.000 We gave you money for a trainer. 1.00
01:54:01.000 Dog, I spent the money at Spago's.
01:54:03.000 You know what I'm saying?
01:54:04.000 Didn't he have an island at one point in time?
01:54:06.000 Didn't he have his own island? 1.00
01:54:08.000 If you're into this shit, because I'm into stupidity, okay? 1.00
01:54:12.000 Me and Joe Rogan chased Coburn on Sunset Boulevard. 1.00
01:54:16.000 I'm into those old actors.
01:54:18.000 They represented something different.
01:54:20.000 And Marlon Brando represented something completely different in my eyes.
01:54:24.000 This kid was from Nebraska. 1.00
01:54:27.000 This kid was from fucking Nebraska. 1.00
01:54:29.000 You know, everybody's stuck on James Dean. 1.00
01:54:31.000 Focus on fucking Brandon. 1.00
01:54:32.000 This guy came out here and just fucked people up, and they hated him. 1.00
01:54:37.000 They hated him. 1.00
01:54:40.000 You know, he wrote a hilarious fucking letter to Charlie Sheen when he couldn't make his birthday party. 0.99
01:54:46.000 He wrote, Dear Charlie, I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. 0.99
01:54:51.000 I'm holed up in bed and taking everything...
01:54:55.000 From sled dog urine to Powerade...
01:54:58.000 Powerade?
01:55:00.000 I don't know. 0.84
01:55:00.000 Eastern Indian vulva. 0.84
01:55:03.000 Maybe won't work tomorrow if I feel the same. 0.94
01:55:08.000 That's what he sent him when he was thinking about not going to his party.
01:55:12.000 That's hilarious.
01:55:13.000 But the dude was out there.
01:55:13.000 They didn't want him for The Godfather.
01:55:15.000 You know how hard they had to push for him for The Godfather? 0.97
01:55:17.000 Oh, he's crazy. 1.00
01:55:18.000 He didn't give a fuck. 1.00
01:55:18.000 He didn't give a fuck. 1.00
01:55:19.000 And then he showed up. 1.00
01:55:20.000 They didn't know who the fuck he was. 1.00
01:55:21.000 He put the cotton in his mouth and shit, and he just blew him out of the water. 1.00
01:55:25.000 Then they gave him rain. 1.00
01:55:26.000 No, before that, they gave him...
01:55:27.000 What's that movie he did where he cost the studio $80,000? 0.99
01:55:31.000 He was directing whatever the fuck about the boat, dog. 0.99
01:55:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99
01:55:35.000 And they went down there and they realized, they get down there like, where's Marlon Brando? 0.99
01:55:40.000 He's in the hut, fucking six fucking Hawaiian chicks. 1.00
01:55:42.000 That's where he married the chick. 1.00
01:55:44.000 He was a crazy motherfucker. 1.00
01:55:45.000 He was a crazy motherfucker. 1.00
01:55:47.000 Then he came back, dog, and he just, then he sent an Indian to the fucking Oscars. 1.00
01:55:53.000 To protest the fucking American Indian movies. 1.00
01:55:57.000 Who does this shit? 1.00
01:55:58.000 And at the end of his life, didn't he live? 1.00
01:56:01.000 I mean, he lived on an island or something, right?
01:56:03.000 Didn't he do something like that?
01:56:04.000 I think he lived in Studio City.
01:56:05.000 Westwood.
01:56:06.000 Yeah, he lived around here at the end.
01:56:07.000 Was he?
01:56:08.000 Yeah, he lived around here at the end.
01:56:09.000 The island, he lost the island.
01:56:11.000 He lost the island?
01:56:12.000 But there was also a tragic side.
01:56:14.000 He lost his kids.
01:56:16.000 It was very sad that whole thing would happen.
01:56:19.000 Well, you can't imagine a guy like that would be really good at taking care of kids.
01:56:22.000 You know what?
01:56:22.000 He was really badass, and I didn't realize it, because I didn't...
01:56:26.000 Listen, I have to watch it, because my wife watches The Man of Steel.
01:56:31.000 Oh, that movie, yeah?
01:56:32.000 That movie, but...
01:56:33.000 I love Cameron Crowe, but...
01:56:36.000 Not good.
01:56:37.000 Marlon Brando cemented that role so strong. 0.99
01:56:41.000 That speech he tells him before he puts him in the fucking thing, bro. 0.99
01:56:44.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:56:45.000 He had to be Superman.
01:56:47.000 If your father tells you the speech, if your father looks at you and tells you that speech, you gotta be Superman.
01:56:53.000 That's it. 1.00
01:56:54.000 You're like, Dad, you just blew my fucking mind. 1.00
01:56:57.000 It was amazing. 1.00
01:56:58.000 He had a lease of an island in 1966. He got a 99-year lease.
01:57:03.000 The island of, I don't know how to say this, but it's T-E-T-I-A-R-O-A. Tetearo by the Tahiti government, making him its sole owner.
01:57:16.000 35 miles from the main island of Tahiti.
01:57:18.000 It's a group of 13 islets, small islands, measuring about 27 square miles and surrounded by a lagoon. 0.99
01:57:25.000 Fucking dude lived up there on an eco-resort. 0.99
01:57:29.000 Wow. 1.00
01:57:30.000 Crazy, man. 0.96
01:57:32.000 Strange, strange dude, man. 0.99
01:57:34.000 Look, you know, there's a rumor he used to charge to read the script.
01:57:39.000 He used to charge you to read your script.
01:57:41.000 No, no, no.
01:57:42.000 Like if you or a studio said, hi, Marlon, we have a script for you.
01:57:45.000 Okay.
01:57:47.000 50 G's. 0.98
01:57:49.000 He would bang you at every level. 0.99
01:57:51.000 That makes sense, though, if you're Marlon fucking Brando. 0.99
01:57:53.000 He would bang you at every level. 0.99
01:57:54.000 25 to read the script.
01:57:55.000 Oh, you want me to come off the island for a meeting?
01:57:59.000 I'm going to have Herbie call you right on that one. 0.99
01:58:03.000 Well, that's when you're a bad motherfucker, when they're willing to fly into an island to talk to you. 0.99
01:58:07.000 And if you wanted to fly him off... 0.99
01:58:09.000 It would even cost you like triple.
01:58:11.000 To fly him off the island?
01:58:12.000 Yeah, like, oh no, we want you to come to Hollywood.
01:58:16.000 I don't know about that one. 0.62
01:58:18.000 Show up with his crazy hat on.
01:58:20.000 What do we have here for this script?
01:58:21.000 600 pounds, 400 pounds.
01:58:24.000 Apparently he would sign up to do movies too, hadn't read it at all, and would make them put up these big placards with all the lines that he had to say, like right behind him, and he would just free ball it on the set.
01:58:34.000 I don't...
01:58:35.000 I think that the Americans...
01:58:38.000 I think people itself sometimes take acting too sacredly, you know? 0.97
01:58:44.000 But if, like in The Godfather, the scene where he's at the table and he's talking about if something should happen to my son and he gets up, that's when they said he was reading off the guy's lapels and shit. 0.55
01:58:55.000 But look at him. 0.90
01:58:57.000 See if you see him reading.
01:58:59.000 Yeah.
01:58:59.000 At the end, maybe.
01:59:01.000 Not in 1972 when he was dropping the Godfather.
01:59:04.000 The Godfather's been on HBO this month.
01:59:05.000 Mm-hmm.
01:59:06.000 8.30 in the morning.
01:59:07.000 You know me.
01:59:07.000 I get up at 6, I'm watching the news all of a sudden, The Godfather, I gotta catch 10 minutes of it.
01:59:12.000 Last night I watched the scene when he told, what's his name, he was out.
01:59:17.000 He was brilliant, bro.
01:59:19.000 He told the constantly area, the white dude.
01:59:22.000 Right.
01:59:23.000 He tells him, he goes, we're going to Vegas.
01:59:25.000 He just got out of the hospital and he goes, And he smacks him.
01:59:29.000 He goes, no offense, let Michael.
01:59:31.000 I'm gonna do this.
01:59:32.000 And he goes, but I can help you.
01:59:33.000 And Michael goes, you're out.
01:59:35.000 And he gets up and leaves.
01:59:36.000 He's beautiful, bro.
01:59:38.000 He's beautiful. 0.99
01:59:39.000 So no matter if he was reading cards and shit, you know, we forget. 0.99
01:59:43.000 You forget, bro. 1.00
01:59:44.000 You forget because we're subjected to such bad fucking movies. 0.99
01:59:49.000 But I watched that movie again the other day, and I've been watching pieces. 0.99
01:59:52.000 I don't have the time to sit and watch three hours, but it's been on HBO. And I watched the scene where he comes down, and he tells Duval, cars are coming to my house.
02:00:02.000 Robert Duvall's another one who's great.
02:00:03.000 He tells him, you know, tell your Don, whatever he seems to know.
02:00:06.000 And he goes, but I was about to, but you had to have a drink.
02:00:10.000 Takes the drink out of his hand and drinks it.
02:00:12.000 He goes, no, you had your drink.
02:00:13.000 I get goosebumps.
02:00:14.000 I've seen that scene a hundred times.
02:00:18.000 I still get goosebumps, bro.
02:00:19.000 When he looks at Sonny, and he throws that curtain down on that table, and he tells that dude, look how they massacred my son. 0.99
02:00:26.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99
02:00:28.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 1.00
02:00:29.000 Yeah, go ahead. 0.99
02:00:30.000 Get the guy from England Gangs of New York. 1.00
02:00:32.000 He'll take that guy and break him in fucking half by his neck like a chicken. 1.00
02:00:36.000 You understand me? 1.00
02:00:37.000 At that time, that dude was dropping it on you.
02:00:40.000 With cue cards, with whatever.
02:00:42.000 Didn't matter.
02:00:43.000 It didn't matter. 0.99
02:00:44.000 He knew who the fuck he was on the way in there. 0.99
02:00:46.000 You know what's interesting, man? 0.99
02:00:47.000 They did Last Tango in Paris.
02:00:49.000 That's what's interesting. 1.00
02:00:50.000 They did a fucking porno after that. 1.00
02:00:52.000 And they really hated it. 1.00
02:00:53.000 What?
02:00:54.000 Last Tango in Paris.
02:00:55.000 Look at the poster for that. 0.63
02:00:56.000 It was a porno? 0.94
02:00:56.000 Yeah. 0.94
02:00:57.000 It was a porno? 0.85
02:00:59.000 Why do you say it was a porno? 0.98
02:01:00.000 It was as close to porn as could be.
02:01:02.000 Was it really?
02:01:02.000 Look at the poster for it.
02:01:04.000 I'm looking at it.
02:01:05.000 It was like nine and a half weeks kind of porn.
02:01:08.000 Yeah, it's him and some broad... 0.93
02:01:10.000 Making out in this thing.
02:01:11.000 Italian-American, Franco-Italian romantic erotic drama.
02:01:15.000 Wow.
02:01:15.000 I never saw that.
02:01:16.000 Yeah, he's crazy in that, too. 1.00
02:01:17.000 He puts light bulbs in a pussy, Italian white wine and shit, balsamic vinaigrette and shit. 1.00
02:01:22.000 Light bulbs in a pussy! 1.00
02:01:24.000 The original battery. 1.00
02:01:27.000 A recent American widower who begins an anonymous sexual relationship with a young, betrothed Parisian woman.
02:01:35.000 Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider.
02:01:39.000 Who's Maria Schneider? 0.76
02:01:41.000 Whoa.
02:01:43.000 Still alive.
02:01:44.000 Live and kicking.
02:01:46.000 Nope.
02:01:47.000 Died.
02:01:48.000 58, 2011. In Paris.
02:01:51.000 Died in Paris.
02:01:53.000 58's not that old.
02:01:54.000 Wow.
02:01:57.000 You know, it's interesting, I was going to say that some movies, like The Godfather holds up perfect.
02:02:03.000 The Godfather could be in the movies today.
02:02:05.000 It would seem a little unusual because of the way it's sort of filmed and framed and the music in it and everything like that.
02:02:11.000 It would stand out as being unusual, but it would totally hold up. 0.97
02:02:17.000 But other movies from that era, big movies that you really enjoyed from that era, dog shit. 0.99
02:02:22.000 The French Connection, you want to shoot yourself. 0.99
02:02:24.000 Is it really bad? 0.95
02:02:25.000 Yeah.
02:02:25.000 Except for the bar when he shakes everybody down.
02:02:27.000 Popeye Doyle is here. 1.00
02:02:28.000 What the fuck is this? 0.99
02:02:29.000 And he makes the milkshake. 1.00
02:02:31.000 Yeah.
02:02:31.000 That's all really good.
02:02:32.000 But everything else, the mechanic, drags.
02:02:34.000 Any Charles Bronson movie, you want to shoot yourself down.
02:02:36.000 Really?
02:02:37.000 It's brutal.
02:02:38.000 Really?
02:02:38.000 Even hard times holds up.
02:02:41.000 The mechanic?
02:02:43.000 That's slow.
02:02:44.000 Dude, I should try to watch The Godfather.
02:02:46.000 I've never watched any of them.
02:02:47.000 It's slow.
02:02:49.000 Slow.
02:02:50.000 The mechanic, you gotta have balls of steel.
02:02:52.000 Your wife, no.
02:02:53.000 She's the... 1.00
02:02:53.000 Don't look at Jan Michael Vincent and die for about 20 minutes. 1.00
02:02:58.000 He's an example of a guy who fell apart.
02:03:01.000 Nobody...
02:03:01.000 America doesn't know the beauty of a man.
02:03:04.000 Because remember, if Jan Michael Vincent would have kept it together, Richard Gere would have still been jumping down with fucking... 1.00
02:03:09.000 Hindus in fucking Baghdad, wherever the fuck he was. 1.00
02:03:12.000 He's a Buddhist, Richard Gere, big time. 1.00
02:03:14.000 There would have been no Richard Gere because he was blonde, dog. 1.00
02:03:16.000 He was about to kill it. 0.98
02:03:17.000 He killed it with the world's greatest athlete.
02:03:20.000 Remember when we were kids?
02:03:21.000 Disney? 1.00
02:03:21.000 He picked up the fucking weights and his arms stayed there and shit. 1.00
02:03:24.000 He was that. 1.00
02:03:25.000 He played a movie called Defiance where he's a longshoreman on the west side with Paulie Walnuts and the Sopranos, Danny Aiello, And they attack a fucking gang, like a Mexican-Puerto Rican gang. 0.98
02:03:42.000 That movie was on HBO for a while. 0.99
02:03:45.000 But that movie, The Mechanic, is slow as fuck. 0.99
02:03:48.000 Then they go to Italy. 1.00
02:03:49.000 That's slow as fuck, too, when they go to Italy. 0.99
02:03:52.000 He was born in Denver, Colorado, and he's still alive. 0.99
02:03:55.000 Jan Michael Vinson is still alive.
02:03:56.000 That's amazing.
02:03:57.000 69 years old. 1.00
02:03:59.000 And with no fucking kidneys or liver. 1.00
02:04:01.000 That motherfucker's just... 1.00
02:04:02.000 Isn't that crazy though? 1.00
02:04:03.000 Last Tango in Paris, chick, dead as fuck. 1.00
02:04:06.000 John Michael Vincent, pickled, drunk as shit. 1.00
02:04:09.000 Low teeth. 1.00
02:04:10.000 Still kicking.
02:04:12.000 Yeah, man. 1.00
02:04:13.000 He's fucking, apparently he's got some issues too. 1.00
02:04:18.000 He left Hollywood 12 years ago for a life on the Mississippi Delta. 1.00
02:04:23.000 That's where he lives now.
02:04:25.000 God, it's gotta be a weird ride, man. 0.99
02:04:27.000 Not everybody's cut out for that kind of movie star Tom Cruise type shit. 1.00
02:04:30.000 As crazy as that Tom Cruise motherfucker is, keeps it together pretty goddamn good. 0.99
02:04:35.000 I mean, I'm sure if you talk to one of his ex-wives, they would say, ooh, they would tell you some horror story about people in fucking crazy outfits, you know, telling them about Xenu up on the planet Pluton or some shit that's controlling Tom's vibrations, 1.00
02:04:51.000 forcing him to recite the doctrine of Scientology.
02:04:54.000 But if you look at, like, what he's done and the fact that he's still alive and kicking, from, go back to, like, what was that first movie, uh, Just take those old records off the show.
02:05:04.000 What movie was that?
02:05:05.000 Risky Business.
02:05:06.000 Go from Risky Business to today, in 2014, Tom Cruise is still knocking it out of the park as a movie star.
02:05:15.000 Do you know why, John Rogan?
02:05:16.000 Scientology.
02:05:18.000 Because besides Scientology, he's as well prepared as you are.
02:05:22.000 He's on top of his game. 0.99
02:05:24.000 You know that you can't be fucking around and getting 20 million a movie fucking around. 0.99
02:05:28.000 He's on top of his game. 1.00
02:05:30.000 You know what, bro, he's got some movies that you watch him and go, yeah, this sucks.
02:05:34.000 But, dog, yeah, he went from risky business, and all of a sudden he rocked against Jack Nicholson in that movie, with the Marine movie. 0.99
02:05:41.000 What's the name of that fucking movie? 0.99
02:05:43.000 Oh yeah, A Few Good Men. 1.00
02:05:44.000 You know, whatever.
02:05:45.000 He rocked in that. 0.99
02:05:46.000 And then he rocked this fucking Jerry Maguire. 0.99
02:05:49.000 I mean, he hit it out of the fucking park as an agent. 1.00
02:05:51.000 But dog, when you watch that fucking movie where he plays the hitman with Jamie Foxx. 1.00
02:05:57.000 Oh yeah. 1.00
02:05:57.000 And he goes into the Japanese bar in Koreatown. 1.00
02:06:01.000 And he starts shooting motherfuckers. 1.00
02:06:02.000 Look at his legs when he's shooting. 1.00
02:06:05.000 That's military-style shooting.
02:06:07.000 You just don't make that up if you're a Scientologist.
02:06:10.000 So that means for three weeks before that, he went and worked somewhere.
02:06:12.000 He was beautiful in that movie.
02:06:14.000 He was beautiful in that scene.
02:06:16.000 Out of all the guys who've ever done those movies, he's the most consistent. 0.97
02:06:20.000 Like, he does his own stunts, his own race car driving stunts, all that shit. 0.94
02:06:24.000 And you know what? 0.97
02:06:25.000 I'm sorry to tell you.
02:06:26.000 He's a tiny dude.
02:06:28.000 Ricky Cruz played his double in...
02:06:30.000 The movie where he sang, that was horrendously bad.
02:06:33.000 He sang in a movie?
02:06:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:06:35.000 Oh, the Sunset Strip movie played a rock star.
02:06:38.000 Oh, Alec Baldwin and all those people.
02:06:40.000 What was that movie?
02:06:41.000 Rock of Ages.
02:06:42.000 Rock of Ages. 1.00
02:06:43.000 I heard that was a hunk of shit. 1.00
02:06:44.000 Oh, they said it was the kiss of death. 1.00
02:06:46.000 Ricky Cruz played his double?
02:06:48.000 His standard.
02:06:51.000 But I heard it's an exaggeration that it's not that tiny.
02:06:55.000 What?
02:06:55.000 I heard that they actually build sets where it's bigger so he can stand on whoever he's with.
02:07:00.000 Well, they did that with him and Brad Pitt.
02:07:02.000 When him and Brad Pitt did Interview with the Vampire, Brad Pitt talked about how they would walk, and Tom Cruise would walk next to him on, like, a ramp.
02:07:08.000 So, like, Brad Pitt would walk here, and Tom Cruise would walk next to him on a ramp.
02:07:12.000 Because he had to be the same height as him.
02:07:15.000 I bet they do that for a lot of movies, though.
02:07:17.000 Because they have these, you know, leads that he, like the actresses, they can't have the actress be taller than him, so... 0.66
02:07:23.000 That's weird.
02:07:25.000 Well, it's weird that that hasn't hampered him in any way.
02:07:30.000 He's still one of the main movie stars.
02:07:33.000 He rocks the house.
02:07:34.000 Rocks the house.
02:07:34.000 He rocks the house in this...
02:07:35.000 I'm telling you, Joey, go see this goddamn movie. 1.00
02:07:37.000 I'm a Tom Cruise guy. 1.00
02:07:38.000 You don't have to sell me...
02:07:39.000 But there's some people...
02:07:40.000 Leonardo DiCaprio?
02:07:42.000 You're gonna sell me on that.
02:07:43.000 That's another guy to give a big envelope to. 1.00
02:07:45.000 He's crazy. 0.99
02:07:46.000 Right. 1.00
02:07:46.000 He's crazy. 1.00
02:07:47.000 He does it. 1.00
02:07:47.000 He does it. 1.00
02:07:48.000 That big envelope... 1.00
02:07:49.000 Yeah, he's gonna do dog shits, bro. 1.00
02:07:51.000 Right. 1.00
02:07:51.000 You can't control that. 1.00
02:07:52.000 CAA calls him.
02:07:53.000 Guess what we have?
02:07:55.000 A movie about a bar.
02:07:56.000 You're gonna be great.
02:07:57.000 Next thing you know, he's tap dancing. 1.00
02:07:59.000 I'm sure while they give him envelopes it's okay after he goes to the fucking screen. 0.99
02:08:03.000 5'7". 0.98
02:08:04.000 See, he's 5'7", and Ving Rims is actually 6'0", but this is an example where they're trying to make him look...
02:08:10.000 I don't think he's 5'7".
02:08:11.000 I think that's a lie.
02:08:12.000 I think that's one of those Napoleon things.
02:08:14.000 You know, everybody talks about Napoleon being short.
02:08:17.000 You know Napoleon was like above average height for the time?
02:08:20.000 He wasn't short. 0.99
02:08:20.000 It was England fucking with him. 0.99
02:08:22.000 They would do all these jokes about Napoleon being short. 0.99
02:08:24.000 He was 5'6". 1.00
02:08:25.000 Back then people were tiny as shit. 0.98
02:08:27.000 So like 5'6 back then was like a normal sized dude. 0.97
02:08:32.000 Is this the same website you keep pulling up, CollegeHumor?
02:08:34.000 I don't know if they substantiated that.
02:08:36.000 All the other websites also said 5'7".
02:08:38.000 Really?
02:08:39.000 Yeah.
02:08:40.000 5'7".
02:08:40.000 Here's one with Tom Cruise.
02:08:42.000 Yep, 5'7".
02:08:43.000 Cameron Diaz.
02:08:44.000 He's 5'7".
02:08:45.000 See how they're making him...
02:08:46.000 They're constantly always making him taller, even though these people are way taller than him.
02:08:51.000 Oh, so he's standing on something here.
02:08:53.000 Yeah, like little buckets and stuff.
02:08:55.000 Yeah, it says, wouldn't it be funny if he's actually six feet tall, but this is just a giant troll that everybody's saying he's 5'7".
02:09:01.000 He's 5'7", 5'7".
02:09:02.000 Yeah.
02:09:03.000 Oh, he's walking next to people.
02:09:05.000 Well, Katie Holmes was giant. 0.99
02:09:06.000 They would go out in public.
02:09:08.000 Katie Holmes was legitimately like 5'10", right? 1.00
02:09:11.000 Wasn't she?
02:09:11.000 No, I think she's kind of a young girl.
02:09:14.000 What?
02:09:15.000 Oh, she is. 0.88
02:09:16.000 She's 5'9".
02:09:17.000 Yeah.
02:09:19.000 But so was Nicole Kidman.
02:09:20.000 Nicole Kidman was big too.
02:09:21.000 What's going on there? 1.00
02:09:22.000 He's got some shit in his shoes. 1.00
02:09:25.000 Well, there's dudes who wear stuff in their shoes. 1.00
02:09:28.000 Mimi Rogers is big too, right? 0.98
02:09:30.000 Yeah, Mimi Rogers is big. 1.00
02:09:30.000 He was married to Mimi Rogers. 1.00
02:09:31.000 He slung some dick, though. 1.00
02:09:33.000 Maybe he didn't. 1.00
02:09:35.000 Whatever he did, he figured out how to get all these girls to marry him.
02:09:40.000 You know what?
02:09:41.000 We'll never get the full story because Scientology is so secretive and inclusive and so culty.
02:09:48.000 But what a fascinating story that would be.
02:09:51.000 The rumors are all true.
02:09:53.000 If he really is a closeted gay guy that has arranged marriages and they go on for 10 years and the women get all this money and he needs them because this is the image that he's trying to... 0.77
02:10:05.000 To portray. 0.90
02:10:05.000 That's a fascinating story. 0.90
02:10:06.000 Listen, let me explain something to you, because I was thinking about this.
02:10:08.000 Look at what happened with Donald Sterling. 0.95
02:10:11.000 How many meetings could you go to and say to yourself, I can make a fucking killing if I could get my phone to tape a meeting of, you know, seeing like a Scientology party, what it really is. 0.98
02:10:23.000 Right. 1.00
02:10:23.000 It's like Travolta and fucking Tom Cruise jumping on bikinis on and some guys whipping them and shit. 1.00
02:10:30.000 Somebody would sell that for $100 million. 1.00
02:10:32.000 That's $100 million.
02:10:33.000 Well, you know, you're seeing that now with certain guys, like this Bryan Singer guy that directs the X-Men.
02:10:38.000 This is the guy that is in trouble because one of his ex-boyfriends is claiming that he was sexually exploited and they passed him around.
02:10:44.000 Have you paid attention to this?
02:10:46.000 No, no. 1.00
02:10:46.000 Holy shit. 1.00
02:10:47.000 They have fucking parties. 1.00
02:10:49.000 Let me tell you something. 1.00
02:10:50.000 No hate. 1.00
02:10:50.000 Gay motherfuckers know how to party. 1.00
02:10:52.000 They know how to party. 1.00
02:10:53.000 They know how to party. 1.00
02:10:54.000 These guys have this fucking... 1.00
02:10:56.000 There's photos. 0.99
02:10:57.000 Pull up some photos of Bryan Singer's parties.
02:10:58.000 He has parties where he has red lights in the swimming pool and they're filled with twinks.
02:11:04.000 It's a twink soup.
02:11:05.000 And everyone is dancing around the pool.
02:11:08.000 The pool is flooded by guys with no shirts on. 0.99
02:11:11.000 And they're all touching each other and having a great fucking time. 1.00
02:11:14.000 And if you're gay, that's got to be the way. 1.00
02:11:16.000 Look at this. 1.00
02:11:17.000 That's the way to fucking party. 1.00
02:11:18.000 Why not? 1.00
02:11:19.000 What is everybody angry at?
02:11:21.000 What's twinks?
02:11:22.000 Twinks. 0.77
02:11:22.000 Twinks are like little skinny gay guys that look, you know, kind of like boyish. 0.77
02:11:26.000 Hankscliff. 0.88
02:11:27.000 That's a type.
02:11:27.000 Yeah, super twink.
02:11:28.000 Hankscliff is a super twink.
02:11:30.000 But like, look at this.
02:11:31.000 What is wrong with this?
02:11:32.000 This looks like a super positive scene to me.
02:11:35.000 I don't have any problem with anything I see here.
02:11:37.000 I see a bunch of guys doing what they want to do.
02:11:40.000 They're pants off.
02:11:41.000 They're hanging around in a pool. 1.00
02:11:42.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99
02:11:43.000 Why is the water brown, though? 1.00
02:11:45.000 What the fuck is that? 0.98
02:11:46.000 It's blood water. 1.00
02:11:47.000 It's from all that ass sex. 1.00
02:11:48.000 No. 1.00
02:11:49.000 No, come on, guys.
02:11:51.000 Don't do that.
02:11:51.000 There's a light in the pool.
02:11:52.000 No.
02:11:53.000 There's lights.
02:11:53.000 You see in the corner.
02:11:54.000 You see the red light.
02:11:55.000 It's obvious.
02:11:56.000 There's lights.
02:11:56.000 Or it's white.
02:11:57.000 There's red light bulbs.
02:11:58.000 Listen, guy.
02:11:59.000 Bryan Singer, he's been around for a while.
02:12:01.000 Yeah.
02:12:01.000 What kind of movies have he directed before?
02:12:04.000 He directed a lot of movies.
02:12:05.000 Like what?
02:12:06.000 Like X-Men.
02:12:07.000 He did a lot of X-Men movies.
02:12:08.000 But that was like two years ago, right?
02:12:09.000 No, I think he's done quite a few of them, right?
02:12:11.000 Hasn't he? 1.00
02:12:12.000 He's done a bunch of shit. 1.00
02:12:13.000 Let's do it. 1.00
02:12:13.000 Bryan Singer, let's pull it up. 1.00
02:12:14.000 Yeah, isn't there like that one guy that was suing because he was like the guy that got passed around by all the guys?
02:12:21.000 Yeah, but you know what, man?
02:12:22.000 Here's the deal.
02:12:24.000 If you show up for one of those things and you got passed around, you're like, what the hell?
02:12:27.000 I gotta get out of here.
02:12:28.000 This is a bad situation.
02:12:29.000 If you keep showing up and you keep getting passed around and then you want to write a book about it, you could have left.
02:12:35.000 You know what time it is. 1.00
02:12:37.000 You got a co-star part and you got fucked in the ass 82 times. 1.00
02:12:40.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:12:41.000 That's it.
02:12:41.000 Listen, and I can see that happening in Hollywood.
02:12:44.000 It happens to women all the time, guys. 1.00
02:12:46.000 They go to these fucking parties. 1.00
02:12:47.000 I don't know what type of parties there are. 1.00
02:12:49.000 Next thing you know, they're in the Hollywood Hills. 0.99
02:12:50.000 They're doing fucking roofies. 1.00
02:12:52.000 They're doing blow. 1.00
02:12:53.000 And there's eight fucking young guys. 1.00
02:12:55.000 Fuck. 1.00
02:12:55.000 And it happens. 1.00
02:12:56.000 Have I been to one?
02:12:57.000 No.
02:12:57.000 It happens.
02:12:58.000 It has to happen with little young guys that are confused here.
02:13:02.000 They come from a small town. 0.99
02:13:03.000 They're gay. 0.99
02:13:04.000 They go to an audition. 0.64
02:13:06.000 Brian Singer contacts him.
02:13:07.000 I want to talk to you personally.
02:13:09.000 You know, let's do lunch. 1.00
02:13:10.000 Next thing you know, you're at a fucking pool. 1.00
02:13:13.000 And let's go. 1.00
02:13:14.000 Let's go upstairs.
02:13:15.000 Probably can't even believe it.
02:13:16.000 You know, you watch that movie with Tom Cruise.
02:13:18.000 One of the darkest movies he made.
02:13:20.000 Which movie with Tom Cruise? 0.99
02:13:21.000 That's a fucking great movie, bro. 0.99
02:13:22.000 Which movie? 1.00
02:13:23.000 The one with all the masks?
02:13:24.000 Yes.
02:13:25.000 That's why I shut.
02:13:26.000 That's always on late night on IFC. Why are you saying Bryan Singer?
02:13:30.000 Because I compare that situation to something like that.
02:13:33.000 Oh, Stanley Kubrick, yeah. 0.99
02:13:34.000 Not Stanley Kubrick, but that situation where a bunch of old guys, they're fucking gazillionaires. 1.00
02:13:39.000 Oh, I see, I see. 0.95
02:13:39.000 And once a month, they go to a house. 0.95
02:13:41.000 Red Band tells me to call the phone and say, Red Devil...
02:13:44.000 And he sends you to a house in the hills.
02:13:46.000 A car picks you up.
02:13:47.000 You don't even know where you're going. 0.99
02:13:48.000 How fucking creepy. 0.99
02:13:50.000 And they take you to a house and there's a fucking hundred tens. 1.00
02:13:54.000 Walking around with masks on. 0.99
02:13:56.000 Naked.
02:13:57.000 Naked. 1.00
02:13:58.000 And you're doing the sacrilegious shit with drums with a robe on. 1.00
02:14:01.000 Which means you're going to fuck somebody in the ass until they die. 1.00
02:14:05.000 Remember? 1.00
02:14:05.000 Tom Cruise was fucking a chick and she was on coke. 1.00
02:14:07.000 And she took her in. 1.00
02:14:08.000 The doctor was Sidney Pollack. 0.99
02:14:10.000 Nobody fucking remembers it. 0.98
02:14:11.000 I don't remember that movie at all. 1.00
02:14:13.000 That's a fucking dark movie. 0.99
02:14:14.000 Is it a good movie? 1.00
02:14:15.000 Bro, what happens is Nicole Kidman fucks with him. 0.99
02:14:18.000 Let me tell you something. 1.00
02:14:19.000 I never thought Nicole Kidman was shit until I watched that movie. 1.00
02:14:22.000 Nicole Kidman eats him up and spits him alive, like, with this accent. 0.99
02:14:26.000 She starts to tell him about, there once was a time when I went to this thing with this army guy.
02:14:33.000 And he, he, he, you were a man.
02:14:35.000 Like, he starts telling me he wasn't a man, but that she went And this guy, that Navy guy. 0.98
02:14:41.000 So he got so mad, he started getting in the cab and he kept seeing spots of this fucking guy just ramming Nicole Kidman. 0.98
02:14:48.000 Black and white footage in your head of this guy with a Navy hat just blasting. 1.00
02:14:52.000 And finally he goes to get a hooker. 0.76
02:14:55.000 She's missing or something. 0.95
02:14:56.000 So he goes into an Arabian, this dude, to get a... 0.99
02:14:59.000 Because he goes to see his buddy who's at the piano play.
02:15:01.000 And the guy goes, no, no, no, I got a gig I can't tell you about.
02:15:05.000 And he tells him about the gig.
02:15:06.000 He goes, you got to wear a cape and a top hat. 0.99
02:15:09.000 So this dude has to go to a fucking costume store at midnight, wakes up the guy. 0.98
02:15:13.000 But when he wakes up the guy to rent the costume, they hear something. 1.00
02:15:18.000 And they go in the room, and the guy, the costume guy, has a daughter who's 15, and she's getting fucked by two Japanese guys with wigs and mascara on and pink shit on their faces. 1.00
02:15:28.000 This is darker than fuck! 1.00
02:15:30.000 And Tom Cruise walks in the middle of this, and all of a sudden he's like, what the fuck's going on? 1.00
02:15:34.000 And he takes a cab to this place. 0.97
02:15:36.000 He gives the cab 200 bucks. 0.94
02:15:37.000 And he walks in and he sees all these naked women. 0.96
02:15:40.000 He tells them the code word. 1.00
02:15:41.000 I mean, it's fucking dark. 0.98
02:15:43.000 He goes in there and Sidney Pollack. 0.99
02:15:45.000 Then the next day he goes looking for the piano guy and the piano guy's missing.
02:15:50.000 Gone.
02:15:51.000 Because they go up to Tom Cruise during the thing and they go, we know who you are.
02:15:55.000 We advise you to get the hell out of here.
02:15:57.000 The next day the piano player is gone.
02:15:59.000 Done.
02:16:00.000 Finito.
02:16:01.000 He goes back to the costume store to return the stuff.
02:16:04.000 One thing leads to another.
02:16:05.000 Guy goes, oh no, you're missing the bow tie.
02:16:07.000 And all of a sudden... 0.99
02:16:09.000 After all the yelling and screaming when she caught the fucking guy with the Japanese guys, the girl comes walking out of the back with the two Japanese guys with business suits on. 1.00
02:16:18.000 So he thinks he's in a fucking... 1.00
02:16:19.000 It's an awesome mindfuck if you could sit it out. 1.00
02:16:23.000 Stanley Kubrick was a bad motherfucker. 1.00
02:16:24.000 Was a bad motherfucker. 1.00
02:16:25.000 That movie took like three years to release. 1.00
02:16:27.000 There was something kinky about that movie.
02:16:29.000 Kubrick was dying. 0.99
02:16:30.000 But Nicole Kidman wears a pair of regular panties with a wife beater on with those little titties, dog. 1.00
02:16:38.000 What I mean, when little titties turn you on, when those two little beamers are up, and she's calling him like a fucking faggot to his face, she's like, you're a fucking faggot. 1.00
02:16:46.000 I dream of this Navy guy fucking taking me down and breathing on my neck. 1.00
02:16:50.000 I can smell his breath. 1.00
02:16:51.000 And he's like breaking inside.
02:16:53.000 He goes, really? 1.00
02:16:53.000 Well, I'm going to go out and sling some dick. 1.00
02:16:55.000 He's a doctor in the movie. 0.99
02:16:57.000 There she is right there. 0.99
02:16:59.000 Look at her. 1.00
02:17:00.000 Little titties that say, get up and fucking come on these little fucking milk duds. 1.00
02:17:05.000 Look at her. 1.00
02:17:06.000 With that fucking hair bugged up, you pull her behind the fucking hair, and you drag her into the other. 1.00
02:17:11.000 Look at that. 1.00
02:17:11.000 Look at that little red fucking Australian little monkey. 1.00
02:17:14.000 It smells like an alligator. 1.00
02:17:16.000 Look at that fucking savage between her legs. 1.00
02:17:19.000 Look at that. 1.00
02:17:19.000 Look at those little bony hips. 1.00
02:17:21.000 You know how good they fuck? 1.00
02:17:22.000 We're sucking that fucking monster, and those hips are popping up. 1.00
02:17:26.000 Forget about it. 1.00
02:17:26.000 What do you think you're dealing with? 1.00
02:17:27.000 It's Wednesday, 11 o'clock.
02:17:29.000 That chick is banging. 1.00
02:17:30.000 I need to get that on my iPad tonight.
02:17:33.000 Eyes wide shut.
02:17:34.000 Yeah, that's one of those movies I probably need to rewatch because I remember I didn't like it the first time.
02:17:38.000 I think there was a lot of stuff in it.
02:17:40.000 I don't think I ever watched it.
02:17:41.000 But every woman in that scene, and then he does blow with the chick, or she does blow. 1.00
02:17:47.000 And Stanley, that motherfucker's crazy. 1.00
02:17:49.000 Sidney Pollack, you know, he's like, she's dead or some shit or whatever. 1.00
02:17:53.000 I'm a doctor. 0.99
02:17:54.000 What's wrong with you?
02:17:55.000 You're losing it.
02:17:55.000 It didn't get a good review.
02:17:57.000 No, no, because it was Stanley.
02:17:59.000 You know, it was dark, dog.
02:18:00.000 Yeah.
02:18:00.000 What are Stanley's other movies?
02:18:03.000 Real quick.
02:18:04.000 2001, A Space Odyssey.
02:18:06.000 Space Odyssey, but he's got another one that's crazy.
02:18:08.000 Cockwork Orange, he's got a... 0.99
02:18:09.000 Yeah, they're all fucking dark movies. 0.99
02:18:12.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:18:12.000 But what's another Stanley, like an army movie? 0.98
02:18:14.000 Doesn't he have a dark... 0.92
02:18:15.000 Oh, yeah, Full Metal Jacket. 1.00
02:18:16.000 That's his shit. 1.00
02:18:17.000 Okay? 1.00
02:18:18.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:18:18.000 That's fucking dark army shit. 1.00
02:18:20.000 Brilliant. 1.00
02:18:20.000 What is in that thing? 1.00
02:18:21.000 That's a brilliant movie.
02:18:23.000 Of Jelly Donut.
02:18:24.000 Yeah.
02:18:24.000 Colbert Pyle, you know.
02:18:25.000 That's the best army movie ever.
02:18:28.000 Full Metal Jacket?
02:18:29.000 Is there a better army movie?
02:18:30.000 Apocalypse Now is up there too.
02:18:31.000 It's up there.
02:18:32.000 It's up there.
02:18:33.000 But I think Full Metal Jacket's better.
02:18:35.000 I think it might be better.
02:18:36.000 It's right up there.
02:18:37.000 Platoon?
02:18:38.000 That's up there too.
02:18:38.000 That's up there too.
02:18:40.000 Saving Private Ryan's up there too.
02:18:42.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:18:42.000 That opening scene, man, when they fucking hit that beach, that is as real as a fucking war scene gets. 0.99
02:18:48.000 My heart was beating up a fucking storm, man. 0.99
02:18:51.000 And that fucking, you know, movie isn't bad when I watch it. 1.00
02:18:54.000 What's the one with Down, whatever? 0.99
02:18:57.000 Black Hawk Down?
02:18:57.000 Yeah.
02:18:58.000 Never saw it.
02:18:58.000 It's a great movie.
02:18:59.000 You've never seen Black Hawk Down?
02:19:01.000 Nope.
02:19:01.000 To me, it's not a...
02:19:02.000 Listen, bro. 0.97
02:19:03.000 To me, that fucking opening scene with Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now, when he's narrating it, and he's like, I'm waiting for a minute. 0.98
02:19:11.000 I went to see that movie on Double Barrel Sunshine Acid with John Crowley, Didi Quintero, and Kurt DiLorenzo. 0.98
02:19:19.000 And we were out there waiting to go in, and there was a Carvel next to the place.
02:19:23.000 I'll never forget this, Joe Rogan.
02:19:24.000 I was tripping my balls off, and there was a Carvel next to this movie theater.
02:19:29.000 It was the second, it was the midnight showing in Apocalypse Now. 0.82
02:19:33.000 It had just come out on Friday.
02:19:35.000 It was a midnight movie.
02:19:36.000 We were in high school.
02:19:37.000 It's midnight on Double Barrel Sunshine Acid. 0.93
02:19:40.000 Burn it! 1.00
02:19:41.000 Burn it when your eyes are burning! 1.00
02:19:43.000 You're seeing shit, and we're waiting online. 1.00
02:19:46.000 There's an ice cream cone that's tipped over. 0.99
02:19:48.000 Somebody went to the movie theater and tipped it over, and it had ants on it.
02:19:51.000 And my friend John Crowley picked it up and started eating. 0.99
02:19:54.000 I thought I was going to fucking die. 0.99
02:19:55.000 And then we went in for the midnight show at 16 years old, whatever the fuck I was, and watched Apocalypse Now on acid. 1.00
02:20:02.000 I thought I was going to fucking die, dog. 1.00
02:20:03.000 That scene where they start shooting arrows at him. 1.00
02:20:05.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:20:06.000 Out of the fucking wilderness. 1.00
02:20:07.000 That's another movie that don't sleep on that. 0.99
02:20:09.000 And forget the Redux.
02:20:11.000 I like the Redux when they show him in France and eat with the people.
02:20:14.000 That's okay. 0.99
02:20:15.000 But it takes you away from the fucking path. 0.99
02:20:18.000 I like what they released because it's straight. 0.96
02:20:21.000 The Redux is good for a little while.
02:20:23.000 The bodies, the French guy, they all have dinner at that table. 0.99
02:20:27.000 But I really like the fucking original. 0.97
02:20:29.000 People like the redux because it's just got some added scenes. 0.98
02:20:31.000 It gives you a little extra something.
02:20:33.000 It's three and a half hours.
02:20:34.000 Sometimes a little extra something is not what you need.
02:20:36.000 No, it's not what you need. 0.99
02:20:37.000 They cut that movie a certain fucking way. 0.98
02:20:40.000 The movie was creepy, bro. 1.00
02:20:42.000 It was creepy.
02:20:42.000 There was parts of that movie where you feel creeped the fuck out.
02:20:46.000 You know what else I saw a couple weeks ago that you haven't seen Joe Rogan?
02:20:48.000 Midnight Express. 1.00
02:20:49.000 Great fucking movie. 1.00
02:20:50.000 When he bites that motherfucker's tongue out and shit, and he's standing there, and he's covered in fucking blood. 1.00
02:20:56.000 Oh, fucking tremendous. 1.00
02:20:58.000 That was the first time I ever saw a movie where a guy got arrested in another country, and I was like, oh, don't get arrested in another country, especially for drugs. 0.99
02:21:06.000 Oh, my God.
02:21:07.000 When they took his clothes on and he had the envelope stuck to his body, the lumen thing, you feel it.
02:21:12.000 Your heart's beating because the director, and he's got his hands up, and he's got the guns all around him.
02:21:19.000 And they take him in. 1.00
02:21:20.000 Somebody fucked him. 1.00
02:21:22.000 He became gay in there. 1.00
02:21:23.000 He became gay in there. 1.00
02:21:25.000 And then that's when the guy kept fucking with him. 1.00
02:21:27.000 And the guy hung his friend's cat. 1.00
02:21:29.000 And once he woke up and seen the cat hanging, the guy went nuts. 0.99
02:21:33.000 He goes, you charge this for fucked up tea. 0.99
02:21:35.000 You don't sell his hash. 0.99
02:21:36.000 And he just starts beating.
02:21:37.000 That's one of the greatest beatings of all time.
02:21:39.000 Remember, he's kicking him.
02:21:40.000 The guy's under the sink crawling.
02:21:42.000 He's bleeding.
02:21:43.000 He's begging for his life. 1.00
02:21:44.000 And he's just fucking losing. 1.00
02:21:46.000 He's been in this fucking foreign country. 1.00
02:21:48.000 He's been lied to the game 80 years. 1.00
02:21:50.000 You're dying and I'm dying too.
02:21:51.000 And he's kicking him. 0.97
02:21:52.000 He's kicking him.
02:21:53.000 He's kicking him.
02:21:53.000 And finally the guy crawls out.
02:21:55.000 He's got like one eye left. 0.99
02:21:56.000 And he fucking grabs him. 1.00
02:21:57.000 And he fucking, because he's a rat, he fucking mugs him. 1.00
02:22:00.000 And he takes his fucking tongue and he bites it out. 1.00
02:22:03.000 And they show the scene with his fucking tongue in his mouth. 1.00
02:22:06.000 The guy fucking falls. 1.00
02:22:07.000 And that guy died. 1.00
02:22:09.000 Did he die of AIDS in real life?
02:22:10.000 The guy that played him.
02:22:11.000 Yeah.
02:22:11.000 The guy is brilliant.
02:22:13.000 He just sits there.
02:22:14.000 And you can see the rage.
02:22:15.000 You can feel it, bro. 1.00
02:22:16.000 I would go crazy if I was in fucking wherever jail they had you, and now you don't understand the language. 1.00
02:22:22.000 Some guy's selling you watered-down fucking pee. 1.00
02:22:25.000 He rats on you, and now he killed your friend's cat. 1.00
02:22:27.000 Bro, he throws a beat on that guy. 1.00
02:22:29.000 He hits him with the pots, the pans, and by the time he comes out from the other side, he's missing an eye, and he fucking grabs him and just bites his fucking tongue off of being a rat. 1.00
02:22:38.000 Good googly moogly. 1.00
02:22:39.000 I was in the fucking 8th or 7th grade, bro. 0.99
02:22:43.000 That's the movies I watched. 1.00
02:22:44.000 I don't know, fucking X-Men. 0.99
02:22:45.000 What are you talking about? 1.00
02:22:46.000 That's a great fucking movie. 1.00
02:22:47.000 That was a great fucking movie. 1.00
02:22:48.000 That was a movie, too, that taught a lot of kids not to fucking smuggle drugs in the country. 1.00
02:22:52.000 Shit. 1.00
02:22:52.000 Because there's a lot of people that watch that locked up abroad, and they're like, well, the guy's on TV now. 1.00
02:22:57.000 I guess he got away with it.
02:22:57.000 Everything's fine.
02:22:58.000 Most people that got locked up abroad didn't go so well.
02:23:02.000 You ever watch that show? 0.99
02:23:04.000 Terrifying fucking show. 1.00
02:23:05.000 I don't even go there. 1.00
02:23:06.000 You don't watch that show?
02:23:07.000 No, no.
02:23:07.000 I don't even want to go there mentally.
02:23:08.000 No.
02:23:10.000 Listen, I don't need volumes that bad.
02:23:12.000 I've got to cross the border to Mexico and try to bring them over. 1.00
02:23:14.000 Once that happens, you're gone, bro.
02:23:16.000 Well, Mexico's not nearly as bad.
02:23:18.000 Crossing from Mexico into America, that's nothing like getting arrested in Turkey.
02:23:22.000 That petrifies me.
02:23:22.000 You want my fears?
02:23:23.000 I don't even want to leave the country with drugs.
02:23:25.000 While I do drugs, I don't want to leave this country because I need them.
02:23:28.000 I don't want to get caught somewhere buying them.
02:23:29.000 Because I need them. 0.99
02:23:30.000 Sure, you want to smoke a joint in fucking Africa, right? 1.00
02:23:33.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:23:33.000 And who knows what the laws are there? 0.99
02:23:35.000 What's the laws for weed in China?
02:23:37.000 Not good.
02:23:37.000 Yeah, they'll lock you up.
02:23:39.000 They'll give you 80 fucking years. 0.99
02:23:40.000 What is Ari doing over there? 1.00
02:23:41.000 I don't know.
02:23:42.000 Staying clean?
02:23:42.000 Jesus.
02:23:43.000 I wonder what Ari's doing for weed. 1.00
02:23:45.000 Yes, he's definitely staying clean.
02:23:47.000 Yes, he's staying clean. 0.99
02:23:48.000 General Mao, or whatever the fuck his name is, chairman. 0.99
02:23:51.000 What do they give you for weed over there? 1.00
02:23:53.000 Like, what type of shit they give you for weed in China? 0.99
02:23:55.000 What, as far as, like, sentence? 1.00
02:23:57.000 Yeah.
02:23:58.000 Not good.
02:23:58.000 It's very bad.
02:23:59.000 Come on.
02:24:00.000 Yeah, weed in China is very bad.
02:24:01.000 Weed in North Korea is legal. 0.99
02:24:03.000 Isn't that weird?
02:24:05.000 That's weird.
02:24:06.000 No.
02:24:06.000 Are drugs bad in China?
02:24:08.000 They have cocaine problems.
02:24:09.000 Listen, the mob stole the idea from the people in China, so I know they're selling coke or something. 0.99
02:24:17.000 Not everybody's going to jail for 80 years in China.
02:24:20.000 Let me pee real quick.
02:24:21.000 Drug laws in China.
02:24:22.000 Let's look it up.
02:24:22.000 Illegal drug trade in China.
02:24:25.000 It's pretty simple.
02:24:28.000 China has one-fifth of the world's population and a large and expanding economy, while opium has played an important role in the country's history since the beginning, oh, since before the First and Second Opium Wars, the 19th century.
02:24:44.000 China's large landmass, close proximity to the Golden Triangle, and numerous coastal cities with large and modern port facilities make it An attractive transit center for drug trafficking.
02:24:59.000 Hmm. 0.99
02:24:59.000 What is the fucking opium war? 0.99
02:25:00.000 You ever hear of opium wars? 0.99
02:25:01.000 Sounds awesome.
02:25:02.000 Let's go.
02:25:02.000 Sounds like a good movie.
02:25:04.000 The first opium war.
02:25:05.000 Okay, let's find out about the opium war. 0.98
02:25:07.000 Damn, it was in the 1800s. 0.96
02:25:09.000 It was fought between Great Britain and China over their conflicting viewpoints on diplomatic relations trade and the administration of justice for foreign nationals. 0.97
02:25:20.000 Prior to the conflict, Chinese officials wished to end the spread of opium We're good to go.
02:25:43.000 Objected to the seizure and used its military power to enforce violent redress.
02:25:48.000 So there's two of them.
02:25:50.000 One of them was in the 1800s there, and another one was in 1856 to 1860. There's two different opium wars.
02:26:01.000 Wow.
02:26:02.000 How much time do they give you?
02:26:03.000 They give you a lot of time?
02:26:04.000 Yeah, let's see.
02:26:06.000 Drug seizures, treaties and conventions, drug laws, agencies.
02:26:13.000 Okay, let's see.
02:26:15.000 Drug law enforcement.
02:26:19.000 Yeah, it's not good.
02:26:21.000 Don't do drugs in China.
02:26:22.000 That's all I have to say.
02:26:24.000 Remember the Mickey Rourke movie? 0.99
02:26:26.000 That's another fucking underappreciated movie. 0.99
02:26:28.000 Year of the Dragon? 0.99
02:26:29.000 Tremendous.
02:26:30.000 1985, dawg. 1.00
02:26:31.000 That was a great fucking movie. 1.00
02:26:32.000 Fuck you who your uncle. 1.00
02:26:33.000 We want me money. 1.00
02:26:34.000 Because what the story was about, basically, was that the Chinese said, you know what, bro? 1.00
02:26:39.000 How long are you motherfuckers going to be fucking us in the ass? 1.00
02:26:43.000 They can't catch us. 1.00
02:26:44.000 They never have.
02:26:45.000 You never read about the DA busting the Chinese smuggling heroin.
02:26:48.000 Yeah, why is that?
02:26:49.000 They're that brilliant.
02:26:50.000 They've been doing it since the beginning of time.
02:26:52.000 Are they still doing it in Chinatown?
02:26:54.000 I don't know.
02:26:55.000 I don't live there no more.
02:26:56.000 I heard it's in Newark now.
02:26:57.000 But I know when I was growing up, the Chinese gave it to the black power guys. 1.00
02:27:01.000 The Chinese supplied the Jews. 0.86
02:27:03.000 The Chinese supplied all the major outlets. 1.00
02:27:06.000 They raped them. 1.00
02:27:07.000 They didn't give them their cut. 0.99
02:27:08.000 They paid them a percentage wholesale, and then they went out and cut it 18 times.
02:27:12.000 And on a $30,000 investment, you made a half a million dollars, bro.
02:27:16.000 Wasn't that a part of that movie with Denzel Washington where his friend was...
02:27:23.000 American Gangster.
02:27:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:27:24.000 That's what it was.
02:27:25.000 Wasn't a part of it was going to China?
02:27:26.000 Well, he was bringing it in from Vietnam with dead bodies.
02:27:29.000 Bringing it in from Vietnam, but it was...
02:27:30.000 Yeah, with Jay Gordon Liddy. 1.00
02:27:32.000 All those motherfuckers went on it. 1.00
02:27:35.000 All those motherfuckers. 1.00
02:27:36.000 What do you think they were doing? 1.00
02:27:37.000 What do you think?
02:27:37.000 Everybody want to go to make tours of Vietnam?
02:27:39.000 They were over there fucking bringing in heroin and body bags, bro. 0.99
02:27:43.000 The government knew that. 1.00
02:27:44.000 That was the CIA and all those heavy duties, right?
02:27:47.000 That's what he got in trouble. 0.99
02:27:48.000 Well, he got in trouble for Watergate, but it's known that he was over there sending his back and shit, wasn't he? 0.99
02:27:54.000 Well, there was so much money. 0.90
02:27:55.000 When you have so much money, the amount of money in heroin in the Vietnam, especially back then, there was no Wikipedia, no Edward Snowden, no Julian Assange. 0.99
02:28:03.000 You could hide shit pretty fucking easy. 0.96
02:28:05.000 And there was so much money to be made in heroin, why wouldn't the government make it? 1.00
02:28:08.000 I think their idea was like, look, we'd be crazy.
02:28:11.000 Someone's going to make this money, and if they make the money, they're going to control the resources that they get from that money.
02:28:17.000 They're going to be able to have influence and power and do things to people with that money. 0.98
02:28:21.000 Fucking, we'll just do it. 0.98
02:28:21.000 We'll do it the right way. 0.98
02:28:22.000 And they just...
02:28:24.000 Just started selling heroin.
02:28:25.000 Just started doing it.
02:28:26.000 I mean, that was one of the main reasons why we had a hard time getting out of Vietnam.
02:28:30.000 The amount of money that was being generated.
02:28:32.000 Is that the truth?
02:28:33.000 Oh, yeah.
02:28:33.000 Vietnam and heroin is very well documented.
02:28:35.000 The Vietnam trade in heroin is a fascinating story.
02:28:38.000 Because it's essentially repeating itself in Afghanistan.
02:28:41.000 Everybody buries their head in the sand.
02:28:43.000 Nobody wants to admit it.
02:28:44.000 But the Afghanistan poppy...
02:28:46.000 The amount of heroin grown in Afghanistan is a huge percentage of the world's heroin.
02:28:53.000 Not just a little bit of Afghanistan money, the world's...
02:28:57.000 Okay, let's look it up.
02:28:58.000 What do you guess?
02:28:59.000 Percentage of heroin, percentage of world heroin grown in Afghanistan.
02:29:04.000 Take a guess.
02:29:04.000 What would you think it is?
02:29:06.000 70%.
02:29:06.000 Okay, percentage of world's heroin in Afghanistan.
02:29:10.000 I'm going to say 90. Let's see.
02:29:15.000 Ten. 1.00
02:29:16.000 Shut up, dude. 1.00
02:29:18.000 Okay, let's find it. 1.00
02:29:20.000 Opium production in Afghanistan.
02:29:22.000 Wikipedia.
02:29:28.000 Amounts to export value of $4 billion.
02:29:31.000 Wow. 0.98
02:29:32.000 Holy shit. 1.00
02:29:33.000 That's wholesale, correct? 0.99
02:29:35.000 Well, I don't think you tax it.
02:29:36.000 Well, that's wholesale selling it to me for an ounce or a pound for whatever and me cutting it and me...
02:29:44.000 If it's $4 billion wholesale, that they're the wholesalers.
02:29:47.000 They grow it, they process it, and I come over and pick it up.
02:29:51.000 Yeah.
02:29:53.000 I don't know.
02:29:54.000 I don't know how they work it.
02:29:56.000 It's just amazing.
02:29:57.000 Okay. 0.99
02:29:57.000 That's fucking amazing. 0.99
02:29:59.000 Hmm. 0.99
02:30:01.000 Well, one thing is a fact.
02:30:03.000 I'm having a hard time finding the numbers, but one thing is a fact that it's gone up.
02:30:07.000 They're all saying that it hits record highs despite billions of dollars spent to combat heroin trade.
02:30:15.000 Afghanistan opium production hits record highs.
02:30:18.000 This is a 2013 The United States spent $7 billion to combat opium production.
02:30:25.000 So they're stealing from both sides.
02:30:28.000 They spent $7 billion and it went up.
02:30:30.000 It rose 36%.
02:30:32.000 Wow.
02:30:33.000 Oh my god.
02:30:35.000 That's hilarious.
02:30:38.000 60,000 U.S. forces left Afghanistan down from a peak of $100,000.
02:30:43.000 So what they're saying is essentially no matter what they do, the heroin production keeps going up.
02:30:47.000 Hmm, how weird.
02:30:48.000 It's hysterical.
02:30:49.000 Who's the actor that just died tragically?
02:30:51.000 Which one?
02:30:52.000 The guy in New York?
02:30:53.000 Paul Walker?
02:30:54.000 No, no, no.
02:30:55.000 From heroin.
02:30:56.000 Philip Seymour Hoffman.
02:30:57.000 Oh, from heroin.
02:30:57.000 After Philip Seymour Hoffman, they went and they said, boy, heroin's going to go down this city.
02:31:02.000 Some fucking crazy commissioner. 0.99
02:31:04.000 And he went and put a cop and they got the guy that sold the bags of heroin. 1.00
02:31:08.000 And then probably he rolled on somebody. 0.99
02:31:10.000 And once he rolled on somebody, that fucking cop got transferred to Ethiopia. 0.99
02:31:15.000 And that guy got fucking thrown, and that's it. 1.00
02:31:17.000 They can't go. 0.99
02:31:18.000 You know, it's so fucking big, the heroin trade. 0.99
02:31:21.000 And one part of it, somebody normal who doesn't, would say, yeah, we're going to fucking combat it. 0.99
02:31:27.000 Really? 0.98
02:31:29.000 Really? 1.00
02:31:29.000 Fucking heroin prices have gone down. 1.00
02:31:31.000 90% of the world's opium. 0.99
02:31:33.000 Yeah, 90. 90%.
02:31:35.000 In 2000, it was 70. Heroin is down to, like, you could buy $7 bags of heroin, bro.
02:31:43.000 $7. 0.99
02:31:43.000 I could borrow $7 every fucking day, guys. 0.99
02:31:47.000 $7. 1.00
02:31:48.000 That's nuts.
02:31:50.000 But how crazy is it that one spot, 90% of the world's supply, the world is 7 billion people.
02:31:57.000 How many people do heroin in the world?
02:31:59.000 The numbers have to be crazy.
02:32:00.000 When you add in all these other countries, not just America, add in Mexico, add in Canada, add in everywhere, the whole world.
02:32:07.000 Mexico has their own heroin, correct?
02:32:08.000 They process their own heroin?
02:32:10.000 I don't believe so.
02:32:10.000 They get the poppy from there and they process it in Mexico.
02:32:13.000 Because Mexican heroin is that black tar.
02:32:15.000 It's thick. 1.00
02:32:16.000 You've got to shoot it. 1.00
02:32:18.000 The shit that you buy in New York, they have this white stuff, you can snort it. 1.00
02:32:22.000 Oh, really? 1.00
02:32:23.000 And they tell you it's for suburban kids that don't like needles.
02:32:26.000 Oh, so they're snorting it. 0.98
02:32:28.000 Listen, bro, the heroin in New York isn't sold to Spanish people and Puerto Ricans in the Bronx and black people. 0.96
02:32:35.000 That's what the New York trade is wrong. 1.00
02:32:37.000 The heroin that's sold in New York is the fucking 20-year-old yuppies that do a blast. 1.00
02:32:43.000 They don't shoot it. 1.00
02:32:44.000 They snort it.
02:32:45.000 That's where the big heroin is sold. 0.99
02:32:47.000 Yeah, you still got the old geezers that are fucking shooting it. 1.00
02:32:50.000 We don't see more Hoffman shooting it. 0.98
02:32:53.000 Yeah, have you tried the snorting version?
02:32:56.000 What do you feel?
02:32:58.000 How do you feel?
02:32:59.000 I've never shot it.
02:33:01.000 I snorted it.
02:33:02.000 And the first time it was...
02:33:04.000 I got sick.
02:33:06.000 I got really pukey and I got sick.
02:33:09.000 But after I puked, I felt better.
02:33:11.000 And I got really high.
02:33:13.000 The first time I did it was like a pass out type mode.
02:33:15.000 Like I was thinking about stuff.
02:33:18.000 Like I was thinking about...
02:33:19.000 He was playing music and I was thinking about stuff.
02:33:23.000 The second time I did it, I was locked up.
02:33:25.000 You did it in jail?
02:33:26.000 In jail, in prison.
02:33:27.000 That time I did it. 0.99
02:33:28.000 Did it come off a dude's butt? 0.99
02:33:30.000 No, no, no. 0.99
02:33:30.000 How did it get in there? 0.99
02:33:32.000 Visitation day.
02:33:32.000 Oh.
02:33:33.000 You swap spit.
02:33:34.000 It was in my mouth, hidden in a balloon, and I swap spit with you.
02:33:38.000 Whoa.
02:33:38.000 Not me.
02:33:39.000 I didn't smuggle it.
02:33:40.000 A dude or a girl? 0.92
02:33:40.000 A girl. 0.92
02:33:41.000 A girl.
02:33:41.000 A wife comes in and swap spit with you.
02:33:43.000 It's not worth it.
02:33:44.000 And then what that one was was black tar heroin.
02:33:48.000 And what the guy did was he cooked it and he poured it in my nose with the syringe, but nothing happened.
02:33:52.000 Nothing happened.
02:33:53.000 Didn't work.
02:33:54.000 They're saying that 40% more poppies are grown in Mexico than marijuana now.
02:34:00.000 They're growing more heroin, 40% more than marijuana.
02:34:03.000 The problem with the heroin, the marijuana, is that it's legal here, essentially.
02:34:08.000 Essentially legal in California.
02:34:09.000 California's right next door. 1.00
02:34:10.000 Listen, Mexicans are nice people, but they can't compete with what the fuck is going on in Northern California. 1.00
02:34:15.000 They're very nice people. 0.99
02:34:16.000 Or Southern California.
02:34:17.000 You can't compete anywhere.
02:34:19.000 And that brown weed, there's still people in parts of the country that smoke that brown weed. 0.97
02:34:22.000 That goes to Connecticut.
02:34:23.000 That goes to Boston.
02:34:25.000 That goes to Minneapolis.
02:34:26.000 A lot of brown weed.
02:34:27.000 There's still a little traffic left in that brown weed. 0.99
02:34:30.000 But for the most part, it don't take no fucking genius to know, listen, them fucking young kids in Northern California, they're about to fucking blow up the world what they're doing up there. 0.98
02:34:39.000 Even Amsterdam's like, we can't compete no more. 0.99
02:34:42.000 Amsterdam's gone.
02:34:43.000 People go, hey, you ever go to Amsterdam? 0.96
02:34:45.000 Why the fuck would I go to Amsterdam when I can go to Denver? 0.98
02:34:48.000 Gone. 0.99
02:34:49.000 Gone.
02:34:49.000 It's all over, gentlemen.
02:34:50.000 Don't believe the hype.
02:34:52.000 And they're closing all the stores.
02:34:54.000 My store is done at the end of the month.
02:34:56.000 The store next to it is the end of the month.
02:34:57.000 What do you mean?
02:34:59.000 Divine Wellness went down.
02:35:00.000 All my favorite spots are gone.
02:35:01.000 Why?
02:35:02.000 They just shut them down.
02:35:03.000 Now they went after landlords again.
02:35:06.000 Why would they do that?
02:35:07.000 Why would they do that?
02:35:08.000 They gotta pass it just to get it legal like it is in Denver.
02:35:12.000 Denver's making so much money, hand over fist.
02:35:14.000 They did a CNBC show about it.
02:35:16.000 It's incredible.
02:35:17.000 There was a guy who was a weed pen company, says in two years his company's gonna be worth a billion dollars. 1.00
02:35:22.000 For fucking weed pens! 1.00
02:35:24.000 Vape pens! 1.00
02:35:25.000 People buying vape pens with no vape to put in it.
02:35:28.000 Just to have them in Connecticut, New York.
02:35:32.000 Well, you can have them legally.
02:35:33.000 You get waxed down and stuff like that.
02:35:35.000 You get waxed.
02:35:35.000 And you can grind the weed up.
02:35:37.000 There's a lot of them that you just grind the weed up and you pack them.
02:35:39.000 But you've got to pack them.
02:35:40.000 Every time.
02:35:41.000 Yeah, like every two or three hits, you've got to pack them. 0.98
02:35:43.000 Those are silly. 0.87
02:35:44.000 But they have them. 0.95
02:35:45.000 I'd like to see what would happen if they take the legal marijuana thing to Michigan and try to see, you know, throw it in Detroit. 0.60
02:35:52.000 Detroit, yeah.
02:35:52.000 It's a good move.
02:35:53.000 But people will get high and then realize, why the fuck are we staying in Detroit? 0.98
02:35:56.000 Listen, the first two months, people are going to be getting robbed on the way out. 0.98
02:36:03.000 Yes.
02:36:03.000 That's the problem you're going to have in Detroit.
02:36:04.000 They're going to have to hire too much security because...
02:36:07.000 You know, you just hear people park their car and walk over.
02:36:10.000 And I see it in Hollywood.
02:36:12.000 There were stories in Hollywood where people were robbing people outside of weed stores, you know?
02:36:16.000 Now these weed stores that are getting closed down, they're getting closed down by the DEA? Like, who's closing them down?
02:36:20.000 The city.
02:36:21.000 The city's closing them down.
02:36:21.000 The city's going after the landlords and going, we're going to fine you every day.
02:36:24.000 So the place I go, you got to hire an attorney.
02:36:28.000 So for every day he stays open, he's got to pay an attorney to keep him open.
02:36:32.000 And they just told me yesterday that at the end of June, they're done.
02:36:35.000 Wow.
02:36:35.000 But there's still so many stores.
02:36:37.000 So what are the rules where stores are allowed to be open and not open?
02:36:40.000 I have no idea.
02:36:41.000 Is it like proximity to schools?
02:36:43.000 Yeah.
02:36:43.000 I know that Divine Wellness went down.
02:36:47.000 They were the edible kings. 1.00
02:36:49.000 Divine Wellness, in my eyes, they always had something to kill a motherfucker. 1.00
02:36:53.000 They had the capsules. 1.00
02:36:54.000 They had Auntie Dolores. 1.00
02:36:55.000 They had all the best shit. 1.00
02:36:57.000 And they told me they were moving to Canoga Park. 1.00
02:37:00.000 And this new company came in because, well, they were moving because they were 500 feet from a church.
02:37:05.000 There's a church right on Lancashire.
02:37:07.000 So Divine Wellness is moving to Canoga Park? 1.00
02:37:09.000 They moved to Canoga Park, and then some other motherfucking gangsters came in and said, Fuck it! 1.00
02:37:14.000 You're going to have to shut us down! 1.00
02:37:15.000 And I guess the landlord went in there and said, So then they shut down and reopened for like two days.
02:37:21.000 And I went there one day and they were locked.
02:37:23.000 So that one's shutting down.
02:37:25.000 Delivery services are the future.
02:37:27.000 I mean, look at San Diego.
02:37:28.000 It happened in San Diego.
02:37:30.000 It's all delivery.
02:37:30.000 It's tricky, though.
02:37:31.000 Guys get set up and robbed.
02:37:32.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:37:33.000 It's tricky.
02:37:33.000 See, what I'm doing right now is I'm not smoking no more.
02:37:36.000 It doesn't really matter.
02:37:37.000 I do the tubes in the morning.
02:37:39.000 What's a tube?
02:37:40.000 You know, the vapor tubes.
02:37:41.000 I get the Girl Scout cookies and the vapor pen.
02:37:44.000 And then by one o'clock I pop unedible. 0.99
02:37:47.000 You know, so I could buy a box of fucking Goomies. 1.00
02:37:50.000 I could have Goomies or Milo send me a box. 0.99
02:37:53.000 You know, that's the thing though.
02:37:54.000 They'll mail direct them. 0.99
02:37:55.000 As long as you send them a copy of your fucking license, they'll mail it to me. 0.99
02:37:59.000 She knows me, you know. 1.00
02:38:00.000 She knows I'm legit.
02:38:02.000 Yeah, I'm a big fan of the edibles anyway.
02:38:04.000 Me too.
02:38:04.000 It's a better high.
02:38:05.000 It's a better high.
02:38:05.000 I've been getting so much.
02:38:07.000 I sleep better.
02:38:09.000 I put this different water in my sleep apnea machine, and now the edibles let me sleep a lot better.
02:38:14.000 It's very nice.
02:38:15.000 And if you wanted to stay constantly medicated, you could be very functional with a small dose of marijuana every day.
02:38:20.000 Small dose of marijuana.
02:38:21.000 Small edible dose.
02:38:22.000 I popped mine about 11. I fucked up last week. 0.99
02:38:23.000 I got high before acupuncture. 1.00
02:38:25.000 That's fucking brutal. 0.99
02:38:27.000 That would be great. 1.00
02:38:28.000 No, she even said something to me.
02:38:30.000 Getting high before yoga.
02:38:31.000 Do that.
02:38:32.000 Getting high before yoga is tremendous.
02:38:32.000 You want to really appreciate weed?
02:38:33.000 Get high before yoga.
02:38:34.000 Because you get high from yoga anyway, and if you get high and then do the yoga, it releases some crazy chemicals. 0.99
02:38:40.000 When you do fucking... 0.98
02:38:41.000 When you get high, you go to even beginner yoga, where I was going... 1.00
02:38:45.000 45 minutes passes before you even know.
02:38:47.000 You have like this, not a hallucinogenic trip, you have a body trip.
02:38:51.000 You start focusing on your knee and you can actually feel the blood going into your knee when you're high with the stretches.
02:38:58.000 Yoga is really cool.
02:38:59.000 That's what they say, to do the hot yoga with weed. 1.00
02:39:02.000 Right.
02:39:02.000 And it really kicks it up.
02:39:03.000 I've never done the hot yoga.
02:39:05.000 I don't know.
02:39:05.000 It's great.
02:39:06.000 I have a heart attack.
02:39:06.000 No, you just bring water.
02:39:08.000 Bring cold water.
02:39:08.000 But the good thing about the hot yoga is it really warms you up for stretching.
02:39:12.000 Because when you're cold, it's very difficult to stretch.
02:39:14.000 That's why doing anything like real strenuous early in the morning is tricky.
02:39:18.000 You've got to really make sure you warm up.
02:39:20.000 When I lift weights in the morning, a lot of times I do.
02:39:22.000 I start my day by lifting weights.
02:39:23.000 I take 20 minutes to warm up.
02:39:26.000 20 whole minutes of light kettlebell cleans, like swings and cleans, like light body weight squats, stretching, touching my toes, moving around, getting all the blood flowing.
02:39:37.000 Because you've got to think, for eight hours or whatever you sleep for, you're just sitting there while everything's just lying flat.
02:39:42.000 I mean, your blood's pumping and everything like that, but there's no movement.
02:39:45.000 So everything's kind of stiff and weird.
02:39:48.000 That's why when you wake up, your back hurts and If you go to bed for like two seconds and you lay down, your back doesn't hurt.
02:39:54.000 But when you go to bed for eight hours, you wake up and you're like, stiff.
02:39:58.000 It takes you a few minutes.
02:39:59.000 And then whatever that stiffness is, it's gone in half an hour or so, right?
02:40:02.000 It's gone in a little while. 0.93
02:40:04.000 You've got to warm the fuck up if you lift in the morning. 0.73
02:40:07.000 A lot of guys get hurt from that.
02:40:08.000 It's one of the main sources of injuries is early morning workouts.
02:40:12.000 You know, I have friends that have 7 a.m.
02:40:15.000 jiu-jitsu, and that sounds really cool, and 9 a.m.
02:40:17.000 jiu-jitsu, like fundamentals, that sounds cool, but not for me.
02:40:21.000 It's okay as long as you warm up.
02:40:23.000 I like 11, 30, 11. I'm doing other things.
02:40:26.000 I've walked around.
02:40:27.000 I think 9 o'clock in my body, but I'm having a heart attack.
02:40:29.000 I'm really scared. 0.87
02:40:30.000 Well, I have a big difference between, like, if I have a kickboxing workout at, like, 10 in the morning or a kickboxing workout at 7 at night, goddamn 7 at night, I'm on fire. 0.96
02:40:38.000 I'm on fire. 0.89
02:40:39.000 Way better.
02:40:39.000 Really?
02:40:40.000 I'm opposite.
02:40:40.000 Really?
02:40:41.000 Yeah, I like my shit over 11 o'clock. 1.00
02:40:43.000 11 to 1, I'm done. 1.00
02:40:45.000 8 o'clock for me to do jiu-jitsu is fucking brutal. 0.98
02:40:49.000 I'm out of air. 0.98
02:40:51.000 You know, even if I eat dinner at 4. Like, if I know I gotta go, like, Friday at 7, I go to beginner jiu-jitsu.
02:40:57.000 I eat at four.
02:40:58.000 So there's no misunderstandings.
02:40:59.000 It's a quick hour.
02:41:01.000 There's no calisthenics.
02:41:02.000 We practice the technique. 0.99
02:41:04.000 We roll for eight minutes and we're the fuck out of there. 0.99
02:41:06.000 That's it. 0.98
02:41:07.000 What do you eat before you work out?
02:41:09.000 Nothing.
02:41:10.000 I don't take nothing.
02:41:11.000 If I'm going to do a long jiu-jitsu, I'll take two shroom techs. 0.99
02:41:16.000 But I don't do the shroom techs every time.
02:41:20.000 I like to space it out.
02:41:21.000 I can tell the difference when I take a baby aspirin than when I take shroom tech. 0.99
02:41:26.000 I see a big fucking difference. 0.97
02:41:27.000 So if I'm going to do something long, then I'll do the shroom tech. 0.98
02:41:31.000 If I'm going to do something like kettlebells, like just a short kettlebell workout, 10 sets of swings, maybe 3 sets of cleans, and a farmer's walk, I just do a baby aspirin.
02:41:41.000 And immediately a protein shake with glutamine and then one at night.
02:41:45.000 Each shake is 300 calories.
02:41:46.000 I make them with water, right?
02:41:47.000 The M4s, right? 1.00
02:41:49.000 You should get a little bit of sugar in there, too.
02:41:52.000 A little bit of natural sugar in your diet after a workout.
02:41:55.000 Yeah, replenish your glycogen, your glucose.
02:41:59.000 You eat some fruit.
02:42:01.000 Fruit is a good way to do it.
02:42:01.000 I do a lot of fruit.
02:42:02.000 Yeah, fruit juices with protein powder is a good way to do it after a workout.
02:42:06.000 But that's when you want to replenish, like within 30 minutes.
02:42:09.000 But I like fruit before I work out.
02:42:12.000 My favorite thing to eat before I work out is either oranges or pineapples because there's a lot of fiber in them.
02:42:16.000 And I feel like I've eaten like three or four oranges and then have a good workout an hour later.
02:42:20.000 There's no effects, like no cramping, no weirdness.
02:42:23.000 Easy to digest.
02:42:24.000 You know, pineapples the same way.
02:42:26.000 I eat like a nice bowl of pineapple like an hour or so before I work out.
02:42:29.000 It never bothers me at all.
02:42:30.000 But you have the fiber from the plant matter and you have plenty of fuel, you know, plenty of sugar in your body, but natural sugar, you know.
02:42:39.000 Sugar kills me, Joe Rogan.
02:42:41.000 But natural sugar, you see, when people have sugar, if you have sugar from a candy bar or something like that, that is the most unnatural form of sugar that human beings have ever created.
02:42:49.000 We've figured out how to isolate sugar, take it away from its natural plants, natural fruits and vegetables, and then process it and make it this weird thing that you could just add to stuff.
02:42:59.000 White powder.
02:43:00.000 You know, that white powder doesn't exist in the wild. 0.99
02:43:03.000 And the effect that it has on your body, your body's like, how are you getting so much sugar in this fucking thing? 0.98
02:43:08.000 Like, if you have a drink, you ever look at, like, If you have just one of those energy drinks or post-workout drinks, hydration drinks, look at the fucking labels of those things. 0.99
02:43:20.000 Look at a fruit punch. 0.99
02:43:21.000 I don't even drink fucking Red Bull. 0.99
02:43:23.000 You've never seen me drink a Red Bull. 0.99
02:43:25.000 No, you'll have an espresso every now and then after a meal.
02:43:28.000 Yeah, I like espresso.
02:43:29.000 I like espresso after a meal, too.
02:43:30.000 I don't like Red Bull.
02:43:31.000 I don't like energy drinks.
02:43:32.000 I have enough energy drinks.
02:43:33.000 But it's the sugar, man. 1.00
02:43:34.000 The sugar's a motherfucker. 1.00
02:43:35.000 I don't have like 75 grams of sugar and shit, and you're like... 1.00
02:43:39.000 That'll kill you. 1.00
02:43:40.000 That's terrible for you. 0.99
02:43:41.000 You know, I can't even taste a regular Coke anymore.
02:43:44.000 It is horrific.
02:43:46.000 Syrup.
02:43:47.000 Done.
02:43:47.000 Done.
02:43:48.000 Yeah, shit's syrup. 1.00
02:43:49.000 Done. 1.00
02:43:50.000 You ever have that Mexican Coke, though?
02:43:52.000 It's a little better.
02:43:53.000 Yeah, a little better, but it's been fun.
02:43:54.000 There's a burrito place in Hollywood that sells those Mexican Cokes.
02:43:56.000 You get them everywhere now.
02:43:58.000 Yeah, the bottles.
02:43:59.000 Tastes better.
02:44:00.000 It tastes better.
02:44:01.000 Still not good for you. 1.00
02:44:03.000 Yeah, I drank enough soda for three fucking bodies, bro. 1.00
02:44:06.000 There's a great documentary called King Corn. 0.99
02:44:08.000 It talks about the effect of corn on your body and how much corn they have, how much of an influence corn has.
02:44:16.000 Because corn syrup is used in so many different products.
02:44:19.000 It's a fascinating thing.
02:44:21.000 We've got to get back to eating natural foods.
02:44:23.000 Human beings have gotten way off track. 0.97
02:44:26.000 We've made some pretty yummy shit with corn syrup and sugars and things along those lines, but... 0.97
02:44:31.000 If people want to be healthy, you've got to get back to eating normal, healthy foods. 0.98
02:44:34.000 There's just no way around it.
02:44:36.000 You've got to eat salads.
02:44:37.000 You've got to eat fruits.
02:44:39.000 And for most folks, eating meat is probably a pretty good idea.
02:44:42.000 Eat some healthy meats.
02:44:44.000 But the amount of power and the amount of influence that lobbyists and these giant companies that push corn syrup and put corn syrup in everything, the amount of income that they make from it, the profit generated from corn syrup is crazy.
02:45:00.000 Corn syrup is in like 90% of our snack foods.
02:45:04.000 If you look around...
02:45:05.000 I just made that number up completely out of thin air, by the way. 0.98
02:45:07.000 But if you look up all the different snacks and different things that have corn syrup, it's fucking staggering. 0.92
02:45:13.000 It's off the charts. 1.00
02:45:14.000 That's some terrible toxic shit, and it's everywhere. 1.00
02:45:18.000 But it tastes great. 1.00
02:45:20.000 They trick you, Joe Diaz.
02:45:22.000 They do trick you.
02:45:23.000 There's a dude who's making...
02:45:24.000 I should say his name.
02:45:26.000 He's making all-organic pot candies now.
02:45:30.000 He came by here the other day.
02:45:33.000 He's got a company called...
02:45:35.000 What's it called, like, Jambo?
02:45:37.000 Yeah, Jambo. 1.00
02:45:38.000 Organic Jambo. 0.98
02:45:40.000 I gotta get you one of them. 0.99
02:45:41.000 They're fucking fantastic. 0.99
02:45:42.000 What's in them? 0.99
02:45:43.000 It's honey.
02:45:44.000 He deals them with honey, all-organic ingredients, no high-fructose corn syrup.
02:45:48.000 No artificial sugars, no artificial sweeteners, no artificial flavors.
02:45:52.000 He's like the first guy to do these organic pot candies.
02:45:56.000 And they're great.
02:45:57.000 They're great.
02:45:58.000 Not too strong either.
02:45:59.000 They don't kill you.
02:45:59.000 They're like half of a Chibichu, you know, where you don't get too nutty.
02:46:04.000 You'll probably take four of them. 0.99
02:46:05.000 How fucking crazy is Chibichu? 1.00
02:46:06.000 They're in so high demand, they're a month behind on production or some shit. 1.00
02:46:10.000 Wow. 0.98
02:46:11.000 They're making cash, son.
02:46:12.000 Cash, dog. 1.00
02:46:13.000 Those little fucking ailment ones. 1.00
02:46:15.000 The CBDs? 1.00
02:46:17.000 The CBDs. 1.00
02:46:19.000 But their fucking little devil things really light you up. 1.00
02:46:23.000 Like, they're really scary. 1.00
02:46:24.000 I gotta tell you the truth.
02:46:25.000 People who have injuries, if you have an injury, take like a chibichu, a half a chibichu, and then stretch out.
02:46:30.000 You'd be amazed at how good you feel.
02:46:32.000 You feel your muscles lengthening and loosening up.
02:46:35.000 You feel things popping.
02:46:36.000 Listen, if you eat a half a decade, you go to bed, you wake up feeling loose.
02:46:40.000 And the hash cookies, they don't have them no more.
02:46:43.000 People aren't making them no more.
02:46:44.000 There was one company who had them in Hollywood.
02:46:46.000 It was 20 bucks for two tiny cookies.
02:46:50.000 But every time I ate those things, dog, then you realize that it was Bruce Lee who was eating hash.
02:46:55.000 For years he ate hash. 1.00
02:46:57.000 Because for the stiffness in your joints and shit. 0.99
02:47:01.000 I'm telling you, when you eat hash and you eat reefer, it's two different worlds. 0.99
02:47:04.000 Bruce Lee had some serious injuries.
02:47:06.000 He had a serious back injury at one point in time, too.
02:47:08.000 Yeah, but he ate weed for injuries.
02:47:11.000 He ate weed specifically for the injuries.
02:47:13.000 Well, for medical marijuana, it's one of the number one things that people use it for.
02:47:16.000 What's the thing, though?
02:47:17.000 Instead of eating lettuce...
02:47:18.000 CBDs?
02:47:19.000 Yeah, but the other one. 0.52
02:47:19.000 What's the other one? 0.52
02:47:20.000 When you work out, you eat lettuce to take the acidity out of your muscles.
02:47:24.000 That's what it says.
02:47:25.000 The THC, when you smoke it, whatever you ingest or whatever, it takes the whatever out of your muscles after you work.
02:47:32.000 Lactic acid?
02:47:33.000 Lactic acid inflammation.
02:47:35.000 Really?
02:47:35.000 Yeah, I read that.
02:47:35.000 That might be a lot of bro science, unfortunately.
02:47:37.000 It might be a lot of that.
02:47:39.000 What's bro science? 0.59
02:47:40.000 It's what Brian Callen does.
02:47:42.000 Brian Cowan lays some science on you and you know he's not really a scientist.
02:47:45.000 I do it all the time. 1.00
02:47:46.000 Bro science is when you start reciting shit that you heard online. 0.99
02:47:50.000 Bro, the fucking, the thing with THC, it does, is it pulls the lactic acid and then you Google it and it doesn't do any such thing. 0.99
02:48:00.000 That's bro science. 1.00
02:48:03.000 What is that, a blue e-cig?
02:48:04.000 A blue e-cig. 1.00
02:48:05.000 Fuck Stephen Dorff. 1.00
02:48:06.000 You should do that goddamn commercial with Joey Diaz. 1.00
02:48:08.000 You know what we do. 1.00
02:48:09.000 You smoke that thing, but you're done completely with cigarettes for a long time. 0.92
02:48:13.000 You don't worry about relapsing back to cigarettes by sucking on that?
02:48:16.000 No? 0.99
02:48:17.000 Can you put that down?
02:48:19.000 How long you can go without one of those?
02:48:21.000 Three or four days.
02:48:22.000 No problem?
02:48:22.000 You've done that before?
02:48:23.000 I do because I'm talking to you.
02:48:24.000 I'm loose.
02:48:25.000 But isn't that weird?
02:48:26.000 I want to be loose.
02:48:26.000 I can't smoke weed in here.
02:48:28.000 I don't want to really drink coffee.
02:48:29.000 I want to do something.
02:48:30.000 Dog, listen.
02:48:30.000 I've always wanted to do something.
02:48:32.000 I don't want to seem like a cop in the fucking room. 0.99
02:48:34.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99
02:48:35.000 I don't drink.
02:48:36.000 How creepy is that?
02:48:37.000 I'll tell you why I like to always take at least one fruity drink at the ice house.
02:48:41.000 I can't do that no more.
02:48:42.000 The ice house is great.
02:48:43.000 The bartenders are great.
02:48:45.000 The waitresses are great.
02:48:47.000 Managers are great. 1.00
02:48:48.000 You go to the ice house, I can go for a drink at the fucking ice house when I'm up there. 0.99
02:48:52.000 The other day I was craving a beer for three days. 0.99
02:48:54.000 I walked around craving a Budweiser.
02:48:56.000 Cold.
02:48:57.000 I crave cold Heineken's.
02:48:59.000 Do you have one?
02:49:00.000 Do you have one every now and then?
02:49:01.000 You don't like to drink?
02:49:02.000 I forget.
02:49:03.000 I forget to stop and get a beer.
02:49:05.000 Listen, I will never, ever drink and drive.
02:49:09.000 Like, you want to see me flip out?
02:49:10.000 Let me have a drink and be forced to drive.
02:49:13.000 Because I know I can't keep it together in front of a cop.
02:49:16.000 And I know that I could never...
02:49:18.000 I'd have to cop to it. 1.00
02:49:19.000 Like, how stupid am I? I drink and drive. 1.00
02:49:22.000 Like, I'm totally against all that shit. 1.00
02:49:24.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
02:49:25.000 I'll get stoned and fucking do 90 down to 101. To the gills. 0.99
02:49:30.000 Because I can handle it, but I can't handle alcohol.
02:49:33.000 Well, people think that being drunk and being high and driving a car are the same thing.
02:49:38.000 That's ignorance.
02:49:39.000 It's not true at all.
02:49:41.000 You can smoke pot and do jujitsu with no problem whatsoever.
02:49:44.000 No problem.
02:49:45.000 Smoke pot and you're very coordinated.
02:49:47.000 Smoke pot and something drops, you catch it.
02:49:49.000 Like, your reflexes, everything, they're all there.
02:49:51.000 Unless you're not used to it.
02:49:53.000 If you're not used to it, all you're thinking of...
02:49:55.000 I remember when I first started getting high, Joey started making fun of me.
02:49:58.000 Because we...
02:49:59.000 I forget what we did.
02:50:01.000 Oh, I remember. 0.99
02:50:02.000 We went to the fucking Sunday brunch at the House of Blues. 0.99
02:50:07.000 Remember they had that gospel brunch? 1.00
02:50:09.000 Yes.
02:50:09.000 Remember that gospel brunch?
02:50:10.000 Yes, that's how we all went over.
02:50:11.000 Yeah, we all went over there and we were toasted to the gills.
02:50:15.000 It was like one of the first weekends I ever got high. 0.99
02:50:17.000 And Joey Diaz was like, look at this fucking rookie. 0.99
02:50:20.000 I was going, I can't believe how high I am right now. 1.00
02:50:22.000 This is ridiculous. 0.90
02:50:23.000 I have to sit here. 0.95
02:50:25.000 I wasn't used to it.
02:50:26.000 I didn't know how to deal with it.
02:50:28.000 But if I was the same high right now, I'd be fine.
02:50:31.000 Because I know what that is.
02:50:33.000 It's what you're doing is when you're too high and you're paranoid and you're frozen.
02:50:38.000 You're frozen.
02:50:39.000 Because you don't know what it is.
02:50:40.000 You don't know what comes next.
02:50:43.000 Is this going to get worse?
02:50:44.000 Am I going to get more crazy?
02:50:46.000 Oh my god, how long is this going to last?
02:50:49.000 But when you're used to being high, you're like, I'm just high, dude.
02:50:52.000 Relax.
02:50:53.000 Everything's fine.
02:50:54.000 You know what it is.
02:50:55.000 You know the worst it gets.
02:50:56.000 You know the best it gets.
02:50:58.000 You've felt the full range of the effects.
02:51:02.000 But you were laughing at me.
02:51:03.000 I'll never forget. 1.00
02:51:04.000 You're like, look at this fucking rookie. 1.00
02:51:06.000 You get so fucking hungry when you first get high. 1.00
02:51:10.000 When you first get high, you get so enjoyably hungry. 0.99
02:51:15.000 Enjoyably. 0.99
02:51:15.000 Like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is fucking filet mignon in your mouth. 0.99
02:51:22.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:51:22.000 And you eat it with a bag of chips. 1.00
02:51:26.000 It heightens your senses, right?
02:51:27.000 Yeah, it heightens your senses.
02:51:29.000 It's so...
02:51:29.000 You don't even breathe.
02:51:30.000 You're just chewing.
02:51:32.000 Like, I remember giggling.
02:51:33.000 Like, I love to giggle, bro. 0.97
02:51:35.000 A couple weeks ago, I ate a cookie and I was sitting there so fucking stoned at 8 o'clock at night. 0.92
02:51:41.000 And I kept thinking to myself, this is the same cookie Casey Kasem ate. 0.92
02:51:44.000 It was the week that he...
02:51:46.000 It was the week that he was missing.
02:51:49.000 That he went missing.
02:51:50.000 He died recently.
02:51:51.000 I felt so bad. 0.99
02:51:52.000 I grew up on fucking Casey Kasem. 0.98
02:51:53.000 But then there was traffic. 0.99
02:51:55.000 I was watching the news that night.
02:51:56.000 There was traffic on the 405. And I'm like, oh my God.
02:51:59.000 There's traffic on the 405. And then all of a sudden they said that the cause of the traffic was that the President of Israel was on the 405. So they had to lock half of it down.
02:52:08.000 And all I kept thinking about was, the President of Israel knows about these cookies.
02:52:13.000 He knows.
02:52:14.000 It's the cookie Casey Kasemate.
02:52:16.000 And he's coming to L.A. to get these cookies.
02:52:19.000 That's how I... I wasn't.
02:52:20.000 I kept giggling at the thought of my thoughts.
02:52:23.000 That's hilarious.
02:52:24.000 And I was happy.
02:52:25.000 And I love that.
02:52:26.000 I love still giggling.
02:52:28.000 That's what I miss the most about being stoned to the gills, going to a diner and laughing at the waitress.
02:52:33.000 Just giggling.
02:52:34.000 How you doing, boy?
02:52:35.000 You can't control yourself. 1.00
02:52:37.000 I miss all that shit. 1.00
02:52:39.000 The simple pleasures of weed. 1.00
02:52:41.000 The simple pleasures.
02:52:42.000 That's what I look for.
02:52:43.000 The simple pleasures of weed.
02:52:45.000 Look, how many times have we been on the road when we've been in the middle of nowhere, we're in some town, and it's all of us.
02:52:52.000 You know, it's like you, me, Red Band, Ari, and we'll get blasted.
02:52:57.000 And then we'll go somewhere and have a giggle fest.
02:52:59.000 Like, especially when it's all of us, you know, when we have a good group of like two or three of us and we go somewhere on the road and you get really high in some town, it's like we're all in on it together, you know?
02:53:10.000 We're like, eee, sitting in Starbucks or eating lunch somewhere, eee, eee.
02:53:14.000 Where Joey Diaz, we're all stoned, and we're trying to get the GPS working, and then Joey Diaz has meltdown.
02:53:20.000 Well, that was when Joey used to have, when you were at your heaviest, you used to have food meltdowns when you would land.
02:53:26.000 You'd have to eat right away.
02:53:27.000 No, I'd get anxiety.
02:53:28.000 I was getting anxiety.
02:53:29.000 But it wasn't that.
02:53:31.000 Remember when in Austin, you were yelling because you were trying to find someplace to eat?
02:53:34.000 No, no, no.
02:53:35.000 It wasn't the sugar. 0.99
02:53:36.000 It was, I just wanted to get to my room and fucking figure out how I was going to do blow, bro. 0.98
02:53:41.000 Was that what it was? 0.99
02:53:42.000 But you were eating.
02:53:43.000 We went to some place.
02:53:44.000 I wasn't doing blow in the daytime.
02:53:46.000 I didn't have time to ride around. 0.99
02:53:48.000 Listen, when I get off the fucking plane, I got this time. 0.99
02:53:51.000 You ain't got this time with me. 0.99
02:53:53.000 How would you set that up?
02:53:54.000 Did you have like a network?
02:53:56.000 Yeah, people know.
02:53:57.000 As soon as you get the time, just talk about it on stage.
02:53:59.000 But I mean, like, say if you were going to fly into Austin.
02:54:01.000 Like, say if you needed Coke.
02:54:03.000 Did you already know people that you'd get Coke from?
02:54:05.000 Somebody would email me.
02:54:06.000 When you would land?
02:54:07.000 Really?
02:54:07.000 I go, bro, you're coming.
02:54:08.000 We're going to come see you.
02:54:09.000 And that was code for we're bringing it.
02:54:11.000 Ah.
02:54:12.000 So I knew.
02:54:13.000 But I didn't know at that time in Austin.
02:54:15.000 I just, still to this day, I have flight anxiety.
02:54:18.000 When I get off a plane, I got time to dilly-dally.
02:54:21.000 I don't want to walk.
02:54:22.000 I don't want to talk.
02:54:23.000 I want to get to the room.
02:54:25.000 Let me go upstairs. 1.00
02:54:25.000 Let me take a shit. 1.00
02:54:27.000 Let me check in. 1.00
02:54:28.000 Let me relax, and then we'll do whatever the fuck you want to do. 1.00
02:54:31.000 Forget the fucking GPS. We should have got a car with a driver to get us to the hotel. 0.99
02:54:36.000 I ain't got time to land at 4 o'clock to fucking go into traffic with GPS. Till this day, I dread landing at LAX after 12. On a Sunday, I won't do it. 0.95
02:54:48.000 I'm going back to Austin.
02:54:50.000 I'm actually doing the comedy club this time because I'm preparing for my comedy special.
02:54:56.000 So I'm doing Cap City for the first time in years. 0.98
02:54:58.000 I haven't done Cap City in fucking years. 0.98
02:55:00.000 You know how happy those people are going to be? 0.99
02:55:01.000 The 15th and the 16th.
02:55:02.000 I can't wait.
02:55:03.000 August?
02:55:04.000 Yeah, how happy am I going to be?
02:55:06.000 I can't wait.
02:55:07.000 I love that place.
02:55:07.000 And I love doing the theater there.
02:55:10.000 Last time I did Austin City Lemus.
02:55:12.000 No, she said it to me when I was there this time. 0.96
02:55:13.000 Yeah, I'm fucking pumped. 0.95
02:55:15.000 I like mixing it up, man. 0.97
02:55:17.000 That is a great, old, real comedy club.
02:55:21.000 I really enjoy myself there.
02:55:23.000 I live in Houston, and now the last four times I've been there, I love them.
02:55:28.000 There's no better town.
02:55:29.000 I love the staff.
02:55:29.000 There's no better town.
02:55:30.000 I like Margie.
02:55:31.000 I like the Doubletree.
02:55:32.000 I like that.
02:55:33.000 Now they put you in a new hotel. 1.00
02:55:35.000 That's fucking funkier and shit. 1.00
02:55:36.000 No more Doubletree? 1.00
02:55:37.000 No, you're downtown and shit. 1.00
02:55:39.000 They rebuilt downtown. 1.00
02:55:40.000 You're somewhere else.
02:55:41.000 And it was really interesting.
02:55:43.000 But the Doubletree was across from Papadoes. 0.99
02:55:46.000 Papacito's or Papadoes?
02:55:47.000 Papadoes.
02:55:48.000 And Papacito's was around the corner.
02:55:49.000 Yeah, right up the street, right? 1.00
02:55:51.000 Up the fucking street. 0.99
02:55:51.000 You could walk to both of them. 0.99
02:55:53.000 Fuddruckers? 0.67
02:55:54.000 Fuddruckers, yeah, that's right. 1.00
02:55:56.000 Fuddruckers. 0.99
02:55:57.000 Apparently, you gotta... 1.00
02:55:58.000 We don't, but you gotta fuck with this. 1.00
02:56:01.000 There's some barbecue joints in Austin right now that are so off the charts. 1.00
02:56:05.000 Ari said there was a line for an hour and a half.
02:56:08.000 For three hours.
02:56:08.000 Three hours.
02:56:08.000 I ain't waiting for three hours.
02:56:10.000 My mom left Cuba.
02:56:12.000 Listen.
02:56:12.000 I ain't waiting on a line.
02:56:13.000 Yeah, you can pay a guy $9 an hour to wait on a line for you.
02:56:16.000 That's what you do.
02:56:16.000 I'll give him $20.
02:56:17.000 I know that, but guess what?
02:56:19.000 What?
02:56:20.000 I don't think nobody should stand on the line for three hours for food. 0.91
02:56:24.000 I think they should stand on the line, and I think when you get to the front of the line, text me, and I'll fucking show up, and I'll give you $100. 0.93
02:56:29.000 No, no, no. 0.97
02:56:30.000 They drive it to you, Joe.
02:56:31.000 They drive it.
02:56:31.000 Oh, drive it.
02:56:32.000 That's not good, because then by the time it gets to you, it's not hot anymore. 0.99
02:56:34.000 Plus, the motherfucker had his fingers in my brisket. 0.99
02:56:36.000 Yeah, you don't want that. 0.99
02:56:37.000 You want to get it right when the guy pulls it off of the meat, like, boom, puts it on a plate.
02:56:41.000 You want to be there while that all goes down.
02:56:43.000 Anthony Bourdain waited in the line, just like everybody else.
02:56:46.000 I forget the name of the place.
02:56:47.000 I want to say Franklin's or something like that.
02:56:49.000 Franklin's, and they have the...
02:56:50.000 Yeah, we're almost out of time here.
02:56:52.000 I love you, man. 1.00
02:56:53.000 I love you too, you motherfucker. 1.00
02:56:54.000 You're the best. 1.00
02:56:55.000 I gotta take a water on the way out.
02:56:57.000 Take whatever you want.
02:56:58.000 Take one of those C2O coconut waters.
02:57:00.000 I love you, brother.
02:57:01.000 C2O started sponsoring fighters.
02:57:02.000 I was watching RFA the other day.
02:57:04.000 Some dude has C2O coconut water on his shorts.
02:57:07.000 So, salute to you, C2O. Thanks, C2O. Thank you, C2O. They're awesome.
02:57:12.000 It's delicious coconut water, too.
02:57:14.000 If you don't like coconut water, try C2O because it's all with Thai coconuts. 0.91
02:57:18.000 Thai coconuts is a short plant.
02:57:20.000 It's like the Tom Cruise of coconuts.
02:57:22.000 It's only five feet tall, and they're super delicious.
02:57:25.000 It's like a sweet sort of...
02:57:26.000 It almost feels like they add sugar, but they don't.
02:57:28.000 It's just how it tastes. 1.00
02:57:30.000 They even have some with the pulp if you like that chewy shit. 1.00
02:57:33.000 I like it. 0.99
02:57:34.000 It's not bad.
02:57:35.000 I like without pulp the best, but I don't pass on the pulp ones.
02:57:39.000 I used C2L in a lot of mixed drinks.
02:57:41.000 It's great for a mixer.
02:57:42.000 Yeah, I would imagine, right?
02:57:44.000 I would imagine it tastes really good.
02:57:45.000 And you dehydrate at the same time.
02:57:47.000 You hydrate.
02:57:48.000 Yeah, so I got a couple clubs coming up.
02:57:49.000 In July, I'm doing Wise Guys in Salt Lake. 1.00
02:57:52.000 Oh, shit! 0.99
02:57:53.000 18th and the 19th. 1.00
02:57:54.000 Oh, shit! 0.99
02:57:55.000 Almost sold out already. 1.00
02:57:57.000 Then I'm doing San Jose Performing Arts Theater on...
02:58:00.000 The 26th.
02:58:01.000 26th.
02:58:02.000 Want to do that?
02:58:02.000 I can't.
02:58:03.000 I'm in Reno. 1.00
02:58:03.000 Oh shit, Reno. 1.00
02:58:05.000 Buckle up. 1.00
02:58:06.000 What are you doing in Reno?
02:58:06.000 Some club.
02:58:07.000 I don't know the name of it yet.
02:58:08.000 I'm doing American Comedy Company in San Diego, too.
02:58:10.000 The 8th and the 9th. 0.96
02:58:11.000 I'm not fucking around, Joey. 0.97
02:58:13.000 I'm not fucking around, Joey. 0.99
02:58:14.000 I'm doing the first with you. 0.99
02:58:16.000 Yes, the first.
02:58:17.000 Ace Theater, downtown LA. That is August 1st.
02:58:21.000 Me, Joey Diaz, and Duncan Trussell. 1.00
02:58:24.000 Suck it! 1.00
02:58:25.000 And then August, we haven't finalized it, but it will be in Denver, Colorado. 0.98
02:58:30.000 It will be at the Comedy Works.
02:58:32.000 And that's where I'm going to be doing my next Comedy Central special. 0.79
02:58:36.000 And I'm fucking very excited about this. 0.98
02:58:40.000 It's my favorite all-time shit that I'm putting together. 0.99
02:58:42.000 I can't wait. 0.99
02:58:43.000 I'm real geared up right now. 0.93
02:58:45.000 I'm enjoying the shit out of it. 0.99
02:58:46.000 If you want to go see the funniest motherfucker on earth, you go see Joey. 1.00
02:58:49.000 Motherfucking Diaz. 1.00
02:58:50.000 Joey Diaz. 1.00
02:58:51.000 You can get him at...
02:58:52.000 Dom Herrera.
02:58:54.000 Next Friday and Saturday at the Ice House.
02:58:55.000 If you're local, July 10th through the 12th at the San Jose Improv.
02:58:59.000 I'm up there for the Gracie Nationals, the Regionals.
02:59:02.000 I'll be, and then that next week, I'm at the South Point Casino, and then the 25th and the 26th, I think I'm in Reno. 0.99
02:59:10.000 It doesn't get any better, you fuckheads. 0.99
02:59:13.000 We'll get it together. 1.00
02:59:14.000 Brian, we got anything going on?
02:59:16.000 What do we got going on?
02:59:16.000 We got Kill Tony this Friday with Joe Rogan and Dom Herrera.
02:59:20.000 Oh, shit! 1.00
02:59:21.000 At the Ice House. 1.00
02:59:22.000 Yeah, at the Ice House this time.
02:59:23.000 10 o'clock, Ice House.
02:59:24.000 If you're a comic, come at 9 o'clock, sign up.
02:59:30.000 Good lord!
02:59:40.000 That's from the jungle, bro.
02:59:41.000 Be careful.
02:59:42.000 You might summon spirits.
02:59:43.000 That's real.
02:59:44.000 That's a real rattle.
02:59:45.000 That's real. 0.92
02:59:48.000 Okay, we gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.94
02:59:50.000 Thanks to NatureBox. 0.75
02:59:52.000 Thanks to NatureBox.com.
02:59:54.000 Go to NatureBox.com slash Rogan and save 50% off your first box.
02:59:59.000 Thanks also to Ting.
03:00:01.000 Go to Rogan.Ting.com.
03:00:02.000 Save $25 off your first device.
03:00:04.000 Tonight, Ice House, Ian Edwards, Brian Callen, Sam Tripoli, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me. 0.99
03:00:11.000 You fucks. 0.99
03:00:12.000 We love you and you. 1.00
03:00:14.000 Love yourself.