The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #515 - Ari Shaffir

00:00:00.000 One.

00:00:01.000 Oh boy. 0.99

00:00:06.000 Hey everybody, what the fuck's going on? 0.97

00:00:08.000 Hey, I've been away a while, but I missed you guys. 0.93

00:00:11.000 How long have you been away?

00:00:12.000 Four days or something.

00:00:14.000 We took a week off.

00:00:16.000 I was out of town.

00:00:18.000 This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

00:00:22.000 There's probably about five or six websites out there dedicated to various parts of Ari's body that have been made during the construction of this very podcast.

00:00:32.000 It's that easy to make websites.

00:00:33.000 Squarespace allows you to make your own website with just simple web tools.

00:00:39.000 Drag and drop interface.

00:00:40.000 Very easy to do.

00:00:41.000 It's nothing complex. 0.97

00:00:43.000 It's nothing that the average dimwit that knows a little bit about computers like myself can do. 0.94

00:00:48.000 It's just they've figured it out. 0.96

00:00:50.000 They've figured out how to streamline it, narrow it down.

00:00:52.000 Yeah, it's pretty easy.

00:00:52.000 Just drag and drop.

00:00:53.000 Everything's drag and drop.

00:00:54.000 It says where to put stuff.

00:00:55.000 Yeah.

00:00:56.000 And you can make websites that look really good.

00:00:59.000 It used to be very difficult.

00:01:00.000 Want to make a portfolio?

00:01:00.000 It lets you.

00:01:00.000 Yeah.

00:01:01.000 Want to make a different looking portfolio?

00:01:02.000 How about this?

00:01:03.000 Online store.

00:01:04.000 Set up an online store.

00:01:05.000 Super easy.

00:01:06.000 Beautiful designs for you to start with.

00:01:07.000 Use your own images.

00:01:08.000 Your wife can sell her handbags. 1.00

00:01:10.000 Or she can sell pictures of your dick. 1.00

00:01:12.000 Imagine that. 1.00

00:01:13.000 You guys made a living selling pictures of your dick. 1.00

00:01:15.000 Wow. 1.00

00:01:16.000 Your wife just takes pictures of your dick and sells them. 1.00

00:01:18.000 Just a little bit of mouth. 1.00

00:01:19.000 His dick's not bad, but I'm an excellent photographer. 1.00

00:01:21.000 If it was real easy to buy shit online, if everything was like Amazon One Click, you know, and I landed here like five cents to see your dick, you know. 1.00

00:01:29.000 You'd get some for people. 1.00

00:01:30.000 Yeah, people would. 1.00

00:01:30.000 People would say, I want to see Ari's dick. 1.00

00:01:32.000 There's a few people that would, right? 1.00

00:01:35.000 Yeah.

00:01:36.000 Like, think about how much, like, let's get weird, Ellen DeGeneres. 1.00

00:01:39.000 If Ellen DeGeneres took pictures of her butthole and you needed, it cost you five cents to see it. 1.00

00:01:45.000 How many fucking people would pay if it was really easy to pay? 1.00

00:01:47.000 I would definitely pay that for her vagina. 1.00

00:01:50.000 I think it's going to come to that. 0.99

00:01:51.000 If I didn't have to open my e-wallet.

00:01:53.000 Yeah, if it was super easy to do.

00:01:55.000 Give her a change back from a dollar. 0.93

00:01:58.000 If it was just a word interface.

00:01:59.000 Like, do you want to pay five cents to see Ellen's?

00:02:02.000 Yeah, I'll see.

00:02:03.000 I'll do it.

00:02:03.000 How much?

00:02:04.000 Five cents?

00:02:04.000 And the computer knows.

00:02:05.000 And I'll have a bag too for ten.

00:02:07.000 Yeah.

00:02:07.000 And you're allowed to not even take like a breathalyzer test for anything under a certain amount of money.

00:02:13.000 Yeah.

00:02:13.000 After a certain amount of money, it should be like the responsibility of the manufacturer of the cell phone to make some sort of a breathalyzer thing.

00:02:20.000 Because otherwise it's too fucking easy to just buy shit if you're really hammered and you buy something fucked up. 0.99

00:02:23.000 Yeah, you would buy everything. 1.00

00:02:25.000 Yeah, it's rude.

00:02:26.000 You can't have that.

00:02:26.000 People have been calling that for a long time, breathalyzer for your phone, for your computer.

00:02:30.000 It's a good move for text messages.

00:02:32.000 Anything that you send after 2 o'clock in the morning is most likely a mistake.

00:02:36.000 Most likely.

00:02:36.000 Yeah.

00:02:37.000 When I get too high late at night, I buy so much things.

00:02:39.000 Of course.

00:02:40.000 Everything's so beautiful.

00:02:41.000 Beautiful.

00:02:42.000 Beautiful and awesome.

00:02:43.000 And you can make a website about those things. 1.00

00:02:44.000 Start your own business, you fuck! 1.00

00:02:46.000 Resell your shitty purchases. 1.00

00:02:47.000 Go to squarespace.com. 0.98

00:02:49.000 You can make a logo creator.

00:02:50.000 You can create a sleek and simple logo.

00:02:53.000 I just made one for Ari.

00:02:55.000 While we were doing that?

00:02:56.000 Big juicy hog.

00:02:57.000 Ari Shafir, big juicy hog. 0.97

00:02:58.000 And it's a picture of a chicken.

00:02:59.000 It makes zero sense.

00:03:00.000 And it's perfect.

00:03:02.000 Yeah.

00:03:02.000 And for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase, go to squarespace.com and enter in the code word JOE. Yeah, they're all different.

00:03:11.000 It's a t-shirt.

00:03:12.000 Oh, that's it.

00:03:13.000 What is it the t-shirt's name?

00:03:15.000 Big Juicy Hog.

00:03:16.000 Big Juicy Hog.

00:03:16.000 Is it H-A-W-G? Yeah, of course.

00:03:19.000 That's the way to say it.

00:03:20.000 It sounds more delicious that way.

00:03:21.000 The Brewster on top of it.

00:03:22.000 It sounds more slurpy. 0.96

00:03:25.000 These dudes online have been getting mad at all these gay innuendos and jokes. 1.00

00:03:29.000 All this fucking homophobic shit and all this fucking... 1.00

00:03:32.000 Listen, I like dick jokes. 1.00

00:03:35.000 I think they're funny. 1.00

00:03:36.000 If you get weirded out, that's your own shit, son. 1.00

00:03:40.000 Alright? 1.00

00:03:40.000 Don't panic. 1.00

00:03:41.000 Dick jokes are funny. 0.99

00:03:42.000 Go to squarespace.com, make your own dick joke website, use the code word Joe. 0.97

00:03:48.000 One cool thing about it, code word Joe, is that you can actually build the site and then not pay for it yet, and then decide, like, alright, I'm going to get this thing.

00:03:56.000 Yeah, that is a good word.

00:03:57.000 That is a good idea, rather.

00:03:59.000 They're so confident in the ability to make a website so easily that they let you try it out, register and try it out without entering your credit card information.

00:04:07.000 So at the end of that, if you're like, your website's whack, son!

00:04:10.000 You can just bail.

00:04:11.000 You can just bail.

00:04:13.000 And you'll have learned about that service.

00:04:15.000 Anyway, go to squarespace.com, use the code word Joe, and save 10% off.

00:04:18.000 And more importantly to me, I met the Squarespace people.

00:04:21.000 And they're very nice.

00:04:22.000 They're cool.

00:04:22.000 What did you meet in New York?

00:04:23.000 I met them in New York.

00:04:23.000 Very nice guys.

00:04:24.000 I went over to their offices.

00:04:25.000 Super friendly.

00:04:26.000 Everybody, they came to the show, they're really friendly and nice and fun.

00:04:29.000 They're working at an internet company, man.

00:04:31.000 Yeah.

00:04:32.000 Those are the cool people.

00:04:33.000 Those are the cool people.

00:04:33.000 That's why I have faith in the future.

00:04:35.000 People always say, oh, you're so faithful, you're always looking at the bright side of things, man.

00:04:38.000 We're going down the toilet.

00:04:40.000 I have faith in the future because I think that technology and the technology creators are the ones that are dictating what's taking place.

00:04:48.000 Everyone is scrambling to deal with the technology and the technology innovators.

00:04:52.000 Yeah.

00:04:52.000 Before.

00:04:53.000 Before.

00:04:53.000 Well, instead of actual products, solid items, instead of solid items and things that you weigh and put on a scale, instead you're dealing with things like a Google.

00:05:02.000 I mean, there's a solid item.

00:05:04.000 Somewhere, you know, there's hard drives that keep all the information on, and obviously there's offices, but the reality is that Google's not a real product that you can pick up and have in your hand. 0.98

00:05:14.000 You can have a Google phone, but what the fuck is Google? 0.92

00:05:16.000 Well, the number one thing in that company is nothing. 0.99

00:05:20.000 It's an air.

00:05:20.000 It's an idea.

00:05:22.000 So this idea has picked up all these hard drives and set up all these web browsers and set up all these different Google Chrome and Google operating system.

00:05:31.000 Based on nothing.

00:05:32.000 But what is it really?

00:05:33.000 It's just ideas.

00:05:34.000 An idea is what Google is.

00:05:37.000 And they're a really ethical and responsible company, which is fascinating.

00:05:41.000 Because one of the most powerful, one of the most, is also very progressive.

00:05:45.000 They're super progressive.

00:05:46.000 I have a friend who works at Google, and there's a guy who works in the office who's a guy outside the office, but in the office he likes to be referred to as a woman, and he dresses up as a woman.

00:05:55.000 So he goes to the office, he dresses up like a man. 0.53

00:05:59.000 Dresses up like a woman? 1.00

00:06:00.000 He's a man until he gets to the office.

00:06:02.000 Then he goes to the office.

00:06:03.000 Just at work?

00:06:04.000 Yep.

00:06:05.000 Yep.

00:06:06.000 Like Clinger?

00:06:07.000 Nope.

00:06:08.000 He's not trying to get a thing from the government.

00:06:10.000 It's just what he does.

00:06:11.000 And Google's like, okay.

00:06:13.000 As long as you're nice.

00:06:15.000 As long as you do your work.

00:06:16.000 Yeah, what do we care?

00:06:17.000 What do we care?

00:06:17.000 That's perfect!

00:06:19.000 See, that didn't exist.

00:06:20.000 Wow.

00:06:21.000 In older...

00:06:22.000 Why does he wear a regular boy suit to work?

00:06:26.000 That's a very good question, but a better question is, why can you identify someone's sex by the clothing they wear? 0.97

00:06:33.000 That seems like the most ridiculous thing ever. 0.79

00:06:35.000 We push people into certain ways of being. 0.92

00:06:36.000 I used to, when I was religious and worked at some law firm for the summer, and then the next year I lost my religion in that summer, and then I worked there again. 0.99

00:06:44.000 Like a goddamn REM song. 0.93

00:06:45.000 Yeah, and I didn't want to explain to them, so I would just take my yarmulke off as soon as I left work. 0.99

00:06:49.000 I would put it on to work, and then take it off as soon as I left.

00:06:54.000 Yeah, man.

00:06:55.000 I have faith.

00:06:56.000 I have faith because of that. 0.99

00:06:58.000 Because these smart motherfuckers are the ones that are the most innovative, the ones that are the most on the cutting edge about what's changing the world. 0.99

00:07:06.000 Like Google searches are changing the goddamn world, right? 0.99

00:07:08.000 Panned in China. 0.98

00:07:09.000 Can't get on Google.

00:07:12.000 Google's a crazy thing.

00:07:13.000 Yeah.

00:07:13.000 The ability to just get all the questions.

00:07:16.000 I mean, not always write a lot of contrary information, but just the sheer bulk of the information.

00:07:22.000 And then sources.

00:07:23.000 Oh, this is a Stanford University study.

00:07:25.000 And you go, okay, you know.

00:07:27.000 Right.

00:07:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:07:28.000 Oh, yeah.

00:07:28.000 You start reading things like, oh, this guy's a professor of astronomy from Cambridge.

00:07:33.000 Oh, yeah, your ability to get knowledge.

00:07:35.000 Yeah, you go, okay, well, this guy's super legit.

00:07:37.000 He's a professor of astronomy at Cambridge.

00:07:39.000 Right.

00:07:40.000 It's like, we didn't have that.

00:07:43.000 All you had was a microfiche for newspapers.

00:07:45.000 And all these dudes that are involved in these companies.

00:07:47.000 In my opinion, it seems to be they're moving.

00:07:50.000 I mean, there's still corporations.

00:07:52.000 There's always going to be weirdness when money is involved.

00:07:54.000 But it seems like the ethic of the internet, the ethic of these electronic corporations is one of social responsibility.

00:08:01.000 One that didn't really exist before.

00:08:04.000 I wonder.

00:08:04.000 I'm trying to think if there's any bad of those companies.

00:08:07.000 Not that I can think of.

00:08:09.000 Like Tesla, they're supposed to be really cool.

00:08:11.000 Elon Musk has got a reputation of being this really fascinating, innovative guy.

00:08:15.000 Starbucks is cool. 0.99

00:08:16.000 Starbucks is cool as fuck. 0.99

00:08:17.000 I love having good coffee on the corner. 0.99

00:08:18.000 They pay for people's health insurance.

00:08:21.000 They offer to put you through Phoenix Online College.

00:08:24.000 Really?

00:08:24.000 Check out their new sodas.

00:08:25.000 Yeah, 24, 25. We'll pay for it if you want.

00:08:28.000 That's beautiful. 1.00

00:08:29.000 I think that shit is possible, man. 1.00

00:08:31.000 I think people can build an ethical company, you know? 1.00

00:08:34.000 I really do. 0.98

00:08:34.000 I just think that for so long, people are so goddamn ruthless. 0.98

00:08:37.000 So people say, oh, you know, you're always fucking so optimistic. 0.99

00:08:39.000 Ben and Jerry, they've been doing it for years. 0.97

00:08:41.000 Yeah.

00:08:41.000 Ben and Jerry have been doing it, like, way back before it was interesting.

00:08:44.000 Yeah.

00:08:45.000 Like, we're just going to do it because it's the right thing.

00:08:47.000 Well, they're from Vermont, dude.

00:08:49.000 Yeah.

00:08:49.000 Vermont is...

00:08:50.000 Have you ever been up there?

00:08:51.000 Burlington, Vermont?

00:08:51.000 Yeah.

00:08:52.000 Yeah, once.

00:08:52.000 My parents tried to send me to a special camp there.

00:08:54.000 It's a fucking beautiful, beautiful town. 0.99

00:08:57.000 God, Vermont is awesome. 1.00

00:08:58.000 They have higher ground.

00:08:59.000 I want to go to that higher ground place.

00:09:01.000 What's higher ground?

00:09:02.000 Like a small rock theater.

00:09:04.000 Ooh.

00:09:04.000 That part is cool.

00:09:05.000 Maybe I'll work that.

00:09:07.000 Because I definitely worked something in Burlington.

00:09:09.000 Really?

00:09:09.000 A long time ago.

00:09:10.000 Yeah, I guess we're doing a podcast. 0.97

00:09:12.000 Let's just fucking go with it. 0.97

00:09:14.000 I did something in Burlington. 0.98

00:09:17.000 I mean, clearly, we're done with commercials.

00:09:20.000 We haven't done Nature's Box yet.

00:09:22.000 Yeah, Nature Box. 1.00

00:09:23.000 Go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:09:24.000 Give me some yummy treats. 1.00

00:09:26.000 Do you really want to stop?

00:09:27.000 Because I was going to say, I actually made a Squarespace store.

00:09:30.000 I'm working on one right now. 0.62

00:09:31.000 And it was so fucking easy.

00:09:33.000 You just put a picture in of what you want to sell. 0.97

00:09:36.000 Put how many there is, like quantity there is.

00:09:38.000 You sign up for this thing that's like PayPal.

00:09:40.000 And then if somebody buys it from you...

00:09:43.000 In two days, it automatically goes to your bank account, the money, and it sends you like a little shipping thing, where to ship it to.

00:09:50.000 Wow.

00:09:51.000 That's incredible.

00:09:52.000 I was so blown away how easy a store was because I knew blog kind of websites and stuff.

00:09:58.000 I knew it couldn't be that hard because I used WordPress.

00:10:01.000 Right.

00:10:01.000 But this store thing, I was so amazed at how easy it was, how much control you had.

00:10:06.000 And Squarespace, you can make a store in less than five minutes.

00:10:11.000 It is really that crazy.

00:10:13.000 That's so weird.

00:10:13.000 Isn't that weird?

00:10:14.000 Is it like a PayPal store?

00:10:16.000 Did you use PayPal?

00:10:16.000 It uses another company that's just like PayPal.

00:10:20.000 And PayPal, you could just use a credit card, too.

00:10:22.000 You don't have to have a PayPal.

00:10:23.000 Right.

00:10:24.000 So if someone has PayPal, that's crazy.

00:10:25.000 It's just pretty much a credit card processor that charges, I think, like, $0.35 per transaction.

00:10:31.000 And that's actually cheaper than what PayPal does, because I believe PayPal actually uses a percent of how much money.

00:10:38.000 So if you have $100, PayPal takes like $11.

00:10:42.000 It's like 11%.

00:10:43.000 Where this actual company, whatever, I forget, it's like Spark or something, actually only just charges you 35 cents because all it is is a credit card transaction fee.

00:10:52.000 Right.

00:10:53.000 So we're just moving numbers around in the ether.

00:10:55.000 So we don't care how big your transaction is.

00:10:56.000 It's the same process for them.

00:10:57.000 What a scam.

00:10:58.000 To make money by moving numbers on computers. 1.00

00:11:02.000 Fucking Ticketmaster always does that garbage. 1.00

00:11:04.000 Dude, Ticketmaster hits car. 1.00

00:11:04.000 Processing fee. 1.00

00:11:05.000 Why is it on...

00:11:06.000 We bought four tickets all at once.

00:11:07.000 Why the four processing fees?

00:11:09.000 What's a processing fee?

00:11:10.000 The computer's doing it.

00:11:11.000 Yeah.

00:11:11.000 What are you talking about?

00:11:12.000 I didn't call the hotline.

00:11:13.000 Well, that's what the big argument with that band in Seattle was about.

00:11:18.000 Pearl Jam.

00:11:19.000 Pearl Jam.

00:11:19.000 Remember Pearl Jam?

00:11:20.000 They rallied against Ticketmaster.

00:11:22.000 And I talked to someone over there and they were like, no, it's the venues that they want their percentage.

00:11:26.000 They take it too.

00:11:27.000 It's like, well, then why don't you put it as a venue cost so we know who to blame?

00:11:30.000 Look at that face you're making. 0.99

00:11:31.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:11:32.000 I hate when I see that. 0.93

00:11:33.000 I've seen your shows and people are like, your tickets were $35.

00:11:35.000 I paid $66.

00:11:37.000 And you're like, what?

00:11:38.000 Yeah.

00:11:39.000 Yeah, it's weird, but that's how it is. 0.90

00:11:41.000 You know, I would love to rally against shit like that, but I don't have that kind of time, so I just gotta keep pressing forward. 0.79

00:11:49.000 You know, I think Louis for a while was doing some weird shit where he's making people pay in cash, and they had to buy it the day of the show, and they had to pay in cash. 0.98

00:11:58.000 Sure. 0.86

00:11:58.000 He did that at the Comedy Store. 0.86

00:11:59.000 I know that.

00:12:00.000 The idea was to stop scalpers, too, because there's always a scalping problem.

00:12:04.000 That always happens if you're going to sell out of place.

00:12:06.000 Like a Ticketmaster, someone who buys it from Ticketmaster, some company.

00:12:13.000 We realized this was a long time ago.

00:12:15.000 Robin Williams played, and it was sold out.

00:12:17.000 I was like, why didn't we get...

00:12:19.000 People were offering to pay $150, $200 for tickets.

00:12:21.000 I'm like, what?

00:12:22.000 We had access to them.

00:12:23.000 We never scalped at the store.

00:12:25.000 Somebody must have, right?

00:12:27.000 Somebody must have gotten people.

00:12:28.000 Chewy had to scalp a little bit.

00:12:30.000 I did it this year.

00:12:31.000 Did you just get some scalping in?

00:12:32.000 No, I bought Louie tickets for you, for someone else, and then you couldn't go, the other person couldn't go.

00:12:37.000 So you scalped them?

00:12:38.000 I told the doorman, I was like, hey, you can sell them.

00:12:40.000 Get whatever you want.

00:12:41.000 Give me the 40 back and then take the rest.

00:12:43.000 Ooh.

00:12:44.000 He doubled it.

00:12:45.000 Ooh.

00:12:45.000 Yeah.

00:12:47.000 People can't get in, like, what do you want?

00:12:48.000 What do you want?

00:12:49.000 Let's do this.

00:12:50.000 Especially in LA, right?

00:12:51.000 In LA, people are like, come on, this restaurant's gotta have two seats somewhere.

00:12:54.000 I'm important.

00:12:56.000 Stop pulling out that paper, son!

00:12:58.000 Pulling out that sweet paper!

00:13:01.000 Alright, let's keep going with the commercial.

00:13:04.000 Nature Box. 1.00

00:13:06.000 Nature Box, don't go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:13:08.000 When I said that before, I was treating you like a buddy. 1.00

00:13:11.000 I just got my first Nature Box today, man.

00:13:13.000 I was really, really happy.

00:13:14.000 They just sent me two packages of Sriracha cashews.

00:13:18.000 Sriracha cashews?

00:13:19.000 Oh my goodness.

00:13:20.000 I forgot to bring them in, man.

00:13:21.000 I went home and I forgot to bring them in.

00:13:22.000 They're so good.

00:13:23.000 You would die.

00:13:24.000 You would want them delivered to your house every day.

00:13:25.000 They're the best snack I've ever had.

00:13:27.000 These Sriracha cashews, nope, that's not true.

00:13:30.000 I got some elk jerky from Amazon.com.

00:13:32.000 I know you can buy some elk jerky. 0.86

00:13:34.000 That's pretty goddamn good, too. 0.68

00:13:35.000 But shiraj cashews, as far as being an option where nothing had to die that's an animal or a mammal... 0.96

00:13:43.000 You eat nuts.

00:13:43.000 That's way better for you than chips.

00:13:45.000 Than elk jerky?

00:13:45.000 No, than chips.

00:13:46.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:47.000 Nuts are way better. 1.00

00:13:48.000 Even if they're salted and roasted and stuff, still, it's got to be more easy to process, right?

00:13:54.000 Exactly.

00:13:54.000 Well, what's more easy to process about everything that NatureBox has is that they have no trans fats.

00:13:59.000 Trans fats, your body has a process issue with those.

00:14:02.000 High fructose corn syrup.

00:14:04.000 That's why so many Holocaust survivors are living such a long life.

00:14:06.000 Because no high fructose corn syrup?

00:14:08.000 No trans fats for a while.

00:14:10.000 That's what it is?

00:14:11.000 Yeah, now they're living to a hundred and something.

00:14:13.000 That's amazing.

00:14:13.000 Imagine if that's true.

00:14:15.000 Can't be that.

00:14:16.000 No.

00:14:16.000 Imagine if it was killing people that quickly.

00:14:19.000 Do rabbis really bless those foods, the Jew food? 1.00

00:14:23.000 What do you mean bless them?

00:14:23.000 It's called kosher.

00:14:24.000 Don't say Jew food.

00:14:25.000 No, they look over it and make sure people like you aren't doing anything to it.

00:14:29.000 According to Eliza Schlesinger, you're not supposed to say Jew.

00:14:32.000 You're supposed to say Jewish. 0.99

00:14:33.000 And if you say someone's a Jew, then it's like an insult.

00:14:36.000 Really?

00:14:36.000 No, no.

00:14:37.000 I've heard that before.

00:14:38.000 It's the first time I've actually heard a girl say that.

00:14:39.000 According to Eliza Schlesinger, people would get upset if you called someone a Jew.

00:14:47.000 It's all tone.

00:14:48.000 Zero high fructose corn syrup too.

00:14:52.000 Nothing artificial.

00:14:54.000 Free shipping anywhere in the U.S. If you have an office vending machine and the best thing that you can eat in there is peanuts.

00:15:01.000 You know those fucking machines? 0.99

00:15:03.000 Where it's just candy bar, chips, peanuts. 1.00

00:15:06.000 I guess peanuts.

00:15:07.000 Put some NatureBox in your desk.

00:15:09.000 I heard the owners of NatureBox are Jews.

00:15:11.000 What?!

00:15:13.000 Ari's allowed to say that. 0.97

00:15:14.000 You know why?

00:15:15.000 Why?

00:15:15.000 Jew privilege.

00:15:16.000 Well, somebody told me they blessed all the animals.

00:15:19.000 And I was like, that's kind of cool if there's just like this old Jewish guy that came over there and just like, all right, guys.

00:15:23.000 They look over the killing and they make sure it's all killed right.

00:15:27.000 In theory, I think that kosher was a great idea at first. 1.00

00:15:29.000 They set some ground rules like don't eat pigs. 1.00

00:15:32.000 They're dirty fuckers. 1.00

00:15:33.000 People were probably getting sick like crazy. 1.00

00:15:35.000 They didn't know how to cook animals. 0.99

00:15:36.000 Yeah.

00:15:37.000 If you cook a pig the same way you cook a deer, you're going to have real problems. 0.88

00:15:41.000 Pigs are omnivores.

00:15:43.000 They eat a lot of animals, and so they get trichinosis.

00:15:46.000 You've got to cook that out of them? 0.99

00:15:47.000 You've got to cook the shit out of it. 1.00

00:15:48.000 You're going to eat that parasite, too. 1.00

00:15:50.000 When you eat a pig... 0.98

00:15:51.000 They didn't know that back then?

00:15:52.000 People got sick?

00:15:53.000 No, they didn't know that. 1.00

00:15:53.000 How do they know where to get fucking... 1.00

00:15:55.000 Try mushrooms and get sap from a tree, but they didn't know, why do we keep getting sick every time we eat this pig? 1.00

00:16:00.000 Well, they just thought the pig was disgusting. 0.96

00:16:02.000 They thought if you eat pig, you're going to get sick and you're going to die. 0.63

00:16:05.000 It makes sense, because that is true.

00:16:07.000 I mean, back then, you had a real issue.

00:16:09.000 And most pigs, whether they were wild or domestic, apparently they're the exact same thing.

00:16:15.000 They're the same animal.

00:16:16.000 They just look different. 1.00

00:16:18.000 But they can fuck with each other. 1.00

00:16:19.000 They can interbreed. 0.99

00:16:20.000 That was a rule we weren't allowed to accept when they said, why is stuff not kosher?

00:16:24.000 Because it's the tapeworm stuff.

00:16:27.000 The answer was always, because God said.

00:16:29.000 That's a good answer.

00:16:30.000 You're not supposed to know why. 1.00

00:16:32.000 Yeah, you don't need to know, bitch. 1.00

00:16:33.000 God said. 1.00

00:16:34.000 God said, stay away from the fucking pigs. 1.00

00:16:37.000 But, you know, now that we know, it's silly. 1.00

00:16:40.000 Because bacon is awesome, and nobody dies from bacon.

00:16:42.000 I had some bacon today.

00:16:43.000 Oh, it's so good.

00:16:44.000 I mean, you could buy from, you could die from, like...

00:16:46.000 Hey, NatureBox, how about some bacon-flavored stuff?

00:16:48.000 You can't do that.

00:16:48.000 There's no beef jerky in here.

00:16:50.000 They don't have beef jerky?

00:16:51.000 No, but I'll tell you what they do have.

00:16:52.000 Bacon jerky's gluten-free.

00:16:53.000 They have those South Pacific plantains. 0.99

00:16:55.000 Goddamn, those are good. 0.99

00:16:56.000 Woo! 0.99

00:16:57.000 And that Big Island pineapple.

00:16:59.000 Oh, yummy, yum, yum, yum.

00:17:01.000 But I keep going to those Sriracha cashews.

00:17:03.000 It's funny how Nature's Box doesn't have anything bacon-related, now that I think about it.

00:17:06.000 They need some bacon to ward off the juice.

00:17:11.000 Or some pickles.

00:17:11.000 Why don't they have pickles?

00:17:13.000 Pickles would be a good one.

00:17:14.000 Well, pickles are tricky, man.

00:17:16.000 Grillo's Pickles, by the way, has the greatest pickles in the history of the free world.

00:17:19.000 They don't need to make pickles when Grillo's Pickles is out.

00:17:21.000 What show do they show up at?

00:17:23.000 They were just giving them out.

00:17:24.000 That was our show in Boston.

00:17:25.000 In Boston.

00:17:26.000 Yeah, the dude from Grillo's Pickles. 0.99

00:17:27.000 Cool as fuck. 0.99

00:17:28.000 Grillo's Pickles. 1.00

00:17:29.000 I am not bullshitting you.

00:17:30.000 The best pickles I've ever had in my life.

00:17:32.000 People are like, what's the big deal with pickles? 1.00

00:17:33.000 Bitch, listen to me. 1.00

00:17:35.000 Just buy yourself one container of those hot, spicy... 1.00

00:17:39.000 Spicy garlic.

00:17:40.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:17:40.000 Oh my god, they're so fucking good. 0.97

00:17:42.000 That Big Island pineapple is oh so delicious. 0.97

00:17:46.000 Love that snack.

00:17:47.000 Nothing.

00:17:48.000 Simple, dried pineapple.

00:17:49.000 So good.

00:17:50.000 And what's cool about Nature's Box is that, you know, you get this once a month, and you could add any other...

00:17:55.000 A snack for only $3 extra.

00:17:58.000 So you can just load up your box.

00:17:59.000 Like, I loaded up mine with like 12 different...

00:18:00.000 Right, but don't go to naturesbox.com.

00:18:02.000 Naturebox.

00:18:03.000 Because if you go to Nature's Box, it's a chick named Nature. 0.94

00:18:06.000 And that box is disgusting. 0.99

00:18:09.000 Yeah, it's all about her butt problem. 1.00

00:18:12.000 She's got one of those... 0.99

00:18:13.000 How long are you doing ads on each of these people?

00:18:15.000 This is done.

00:18:15.000 You ever save them for like...

00:18:16.000 Well, you know what, man?

00:18:17.000 This is not really an ad.

00:18:19.000 I mean, this is sort of a podcast ad.

00:18:21.000 Yeah.

00:18:21.000 Anyway, naturebox.com.

00:18:23.000 Slash Rogan. 1.00

00:18:24.000 Suck it! 1.00

00:18:24.000 That's enough. 1.00

00:18:25.000 We don't need to do Onnit today.

00:18:26.000 We'll do it later.

00:18:27.000 Onnit.com.

00:18:28.000 Use the code word Rogan.

00:18:29.000 Shazam! 0.80

00:18:30.000 Boom! 0.99

00:18:30.000 I move like a ghost. 0.99

00:18:33.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

00:18:35.000 Train by day.

00:18:36.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night.

00:18:38.000 All day. 1.00

00:18:40.000 Damn, we said a lot of cool shit before this podcast ever started. 1.00

00:18:44.000 We have a Nick Diaz calling into our Punch Drunk sports podcast. 1.00

00:18:47.000 Oh, really?

00:18:48.000 He's going to call in?

00:18:50.000 Allegedly, allegedly.

00:18:51.000 Yeah, he calls in all the time.

00:18:52.000 So, did you do Punch Drunk when you were on the road, when you were in China?

00:18:55.000 Yeah, I loved doing it from other places.

00:18:57.000 I did it from the Slopes and Veil ones. 1.00

00:18:59.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:19:00.000 Did you have a guest, or did you do it by yourself? 1.00

00:19:02.000 Punch Drunk?

00:19:03.000 No, no, no.

00:19:04.000 Like, you called in?

00:19:05.000 Yeah, Skyped in.

00:19:06.000 Okay, so you did it from, like, remote locations?

00:19:09.000 Yeah.

00:19:09.000 From the slopes in Vail.

00:19:11.000 I pulled over into some woods until my phone went off because it was too cold.

00:19:14.000 That's hilarious!

00:19:15.000 It's always been like, where are you?

00:19:17.000 I did it from the shower once. 0.99

00:19:18.000 We came back from break and I was just like, and Tebow's like, are you fucking showering? 0.97

00:19:23.000 What is the audio like when you're Skyping into a podcast like that? 0.98

00:19:27.000 Pretty good as long as I'm on Wi-Fi.

00:19:29.000 So you could, but have you ever tried to do it on 4G? Yeah, I did a walk around the city a lot.

00:19:33.000 What is it?

00:19:33.000 4G LTE? Yeah.

00:19:34.000 And it works?

00:19:35.000 Yeah, but sometimes it goes like, especially in New York, it comes in and out.

00:19:38.000 That seems like that would be a really cool way to do a podcast.

00:19:41.000 Walking around.

00:19:42.000 Yeah, TBL, TBL, TBL, TBL. Sounds like this, kind of.

00:19:45.000 It's very room echo-y, though.

00:19:47.000 Yeah.

00:19:48.000 The good part of what you could do, though, is you could record it separately on an MP3 player.

00:19:53.000 And then send them the audio later and they could cut it in so it sounds fine.

00:19:56.000 Oh, I see.

00:19:57.000 So have two recordings going simultaneously and they would have to sync them up?

00:20:00.000 Right.

00:20:00.000 The live one would be the only one that kind of stops.

00:20:02.000 That seems like a project that we would give to you and it would take at least a year.

00:20:06.000 You would find all sorts of reasons why that's not going to happen.

00:20:12.000 But I'm so happy you're video editing again.

00:20:15.000 That video of us shooting hard drives.

00:20:18.000 We decided to shoot hard drives.

00:20:19.000 Yeah, my old hard drives.

00:20:24.000 That's funny.

00:20:25.000 More for fun than anything.

00:20:26.000 But I always wanted to know what happens when a bullet hits a hard drive.

00:20:30.000 So I set up some hard drives and loaded up my hunting rifle.

00:20:33.000 Really?

00:20:34.000 Yeah, it's a serious rifle.

00:20:35.000 It's a 7mm Remington Ultramag.

00:20:38.000 Did it just go through it?

00:20:39.000 Oh yeah.

00:20:40.000 It went through it sideways too.

00:20:43.000 It's so accurate you could hit it width wise.

00:20:46.000 So you're shooting at something that's 100 yards away and you have about an inch Wow.

00:20:51.000 Maybe a little more, inch and a half or something like that.

00:20:54.000 You can get it through that way.

00:20:55.000 You can see this is us shooting at the hard drive.

00:20:59.000 As long as you stay put.

00:21:01.000 It's all just about staying put and not freaking out.

00:21:04.000 Freaking out?

00:21:05.000 Yeah, when you pull the trigger, don't flinch.

00:21:07.000 It's really hard not to flinch.

00:21:09.000 Oh, really?

00:21:10.000 Yeah, you've got a rifle, man. 1.00

00:21:11.000 That's a fucking rifle. 1.00

00:21:13.000 Breathe out. 1.00

00:21:13.000 Yeah, I mean, that thing, that has a muzzle brake on it, which is this thing around the tip of the rifle barrel that distributes the energy better. 1.00

00:21:24.000 Makes a louder noise though.

00:21:26.000 So it doesn't, it's a hundred yards. 0.90

00:21:28.000 So it doesn't, it doesn't kick as much, which is really important because the kick is what scares the shit out of you.

00:21:36.000 That's what you're scared of so you clinch up before it happens.

00:21:39.000 Yeah.

00:21:40.000 Tense up.

00:21:40.000 How do we get to talking about this?

00:21:42.000 Hard drive destruction.

00:21:43.000 We were on a secretous route.

00:21:45.000 Oh, your video.

00:21:46.000 I'm glad you're doing videos again.

00:21:48.000 Yeah, man.

00:21:49.000 It's so cool to see you doing videos again.

00:21:51.000 Somebody put up a thread of some of your old videos.

00:21:53.000 Dude, you're so talented at that.

00:21:55.000 It's like you have such a gift for video editing. 0.97

00:21:58.000 I quickly learned, though, how to, how, using, like, editing HD nowadays, how much fucking computer you need, though, to make it even worth not killing yourself trying to do. 0.64

00:22:08.000 Yeah, as far as rendering, right?

00:22:10.000 Well, I don't just edit videos like that.

00:22:12.000 The videos I do, there's, like, at least that It had like at least 12 layers of audio going on at the same time.

00:22:18.000 Is there some sort of super dope setup that we can get that would convince you to start making videos again?

00:22:22.000 Well, I mean, this one was fun to do, but, you know, I don't know.

00:22:27.000 Dude, you could make the best.

00:22:28.000 You were making amazing videos a long time ago.

00:22:30.000 That super black video we did.

00:22:31.000 That submission video for some show on comment section that will never happen.

00:22:35.000 Yeah, it has like a million views.

00:22:37.000 Oh, really?

00:22:37.000 It has a lot.

00:22:38.000 I looked at it the other day, and I was like...

00:22:40.000 Wow, I've got that many?

00:22:41.000 No, you've got some real talent, dude.

00:22:42.000 You've got real talent as far as how you choose scenes and edit things and music and effects into them.

00:22:48.000 You're really good.

00:22:49.000 It's like you don't just take a video and cut it together and edit it.

00:22:52.000 You add something to it.

00:22:53.000 You add a lot to it.

00:22:54.000 You made some awesome videos when we were working together doing those.

00:22:57.000 Those are really good.

00:22:58.000 David Taylor says that.

00:22:59.000 He's like, you're the first guy to figure out length on the internet.

00:23:01.000 With that Mencia clip. 0.99

00:23:03.000 They were like, how do you make a 10 minute long clip that people will actually watch?

00:23:07.000 There's no way.

00:23:08.000 It hasn't been done yet.

00:23:08.000 Make it like a show.

00:23:10.000 Make it like a little show.

00:23:11.000 You have a timeline going on.

00:23:12.000 It goes back in time and forward in time.

00:23:16.000 Nowadays it is getting easier, the actual programs.

00:23:19.000 The new Final Cut Pro is cool because it can sync up...

00:23:22.000 Automatically where you used to have to just try to line up two sounds and stuff like that.

00:23:26.000 It'll just go to sync?

00:23:26.000 Yeah, go to sync.

00:23:27.000 Wow.

00:23:28.000 Yeah, of course that should be a thing.

00:23:30.000 Let's get some bad mamma jamma computers and do this, man. 1.00

00:23:34.000 What are you doing?

00:23:34.000 I mean, it would be fun to see how much unstressful it is.

00:23:38.000 Dude, we'll get you some Adderall.

00:23:39.000 We'll get you whatever you need.

00:23:41.000 Allegedly, this is a comedy show.

00:23:44.000 Do not take us to a cage. 0.99

00:23:46.000 Adderall that motherfucker up. 1.00

00:23:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:23:47.000 I was talking to a dude today who recently quit Adderall. 0.99

00:23:50.000 Really?

00:23:51.000 Yeah, we were having a conversation.

00:23:52.000 Wow, he ran out?

00:23:53.000 No, he was cool.

00:23:54.000 He ran out.

00:23:55.000 Very cool guy.

00:23:55.000 No, I think he felt like...

00:23:57.000 I think a lot of people that do the Adderall feel like there's a crash at the end of the day.

00:24:03.000 Oh, you've got to have a It's either the fast acting ones or the time release ones.

00:24:07.000 Yeah.

00:24:07.000 So there's no crash that way.

00:24:08.000 Is that like they slowly weed you off of it?

00:24:10.000 Yeah, they come down so it's not like boom and drop off the cliff.

00:24:12.000 But he was loving the Adderall when he was on.

00:24:14.000 Tell I gotta get back going.

00:24:15.000 He was telling me how productive.

00:24:17.000 Really? 0.99

00:24:18.000 Yeah, you get shit done. 0.98

00:24:19.000 Was he self-medicating that one? 0.99

00:24:20.000 I do not believe so, but I didn't ask.

00:24:22.000 I believe he was talking about a doctor.

00:24:26.000 It works so much differently.

00:24:28.000 When you need it or when you don't.

00:24:29.000 It does the opposite thing to you.

00:24:31.000 Yeah, if you need it, allegedly.

00:24:33.000 I don't understand ADD, because I have it, hardcore.

00:24:37.000 I don't understand it.

00:24:38.000 But I think if you have it and then you take it, it calms you.

00:24:42.000 It centers you.

00:24:43.000 Is that true, though?

00:24:44.000 I don't know.

00:24:45.000 That's what I heard.

00:24:45.000 I don't know.

00:24:46.000 I have no idea. 0.99

00:24:48.000 It's so hard to tell what the fuck is going on. 0.98

00:24:50.000 It's like, you ever... 0.99

00:24:52.000 See someone drink, and then they just lose their marbles.

00:24:55.000 They just, for whatever reason, they just lose their marbles.

00:24:57.000 They're drunks. 0.99

00:24:57.000 Their brain just shuts off. 0.99

00:24:58.000 They're not there anymore.

00:24:59.000 They make terrible decisions. 0.99

00:25:01.000 You're like, how many fucking drinks have you had? 1.00

00:25:02.000 He's only had like three drinks. 1.00

00:25:03.000 And they just go away.

00:25:04.000 They just go away.

00:25:05.000 Yeah.

00:25:05.000 I can't get that.

00:25:06.000 You don't get that.

00:25:07.000 I don't get that.

00:25:08.000 No, I just barf.

00:25:09.000 Right.

00:25:09.000 I don't pass out.

00:25:10.000 But I mean, do you get that guy?

00:25:12.000 Oh, understand it?

00:25:13.000 Yeah.

00:25:13.000 Do you try to get it?

00:25:16.000 Because obviously something's happening to him.

00:25:18.000 I think there's a very direct, there's a distinctly different physiological effect of alcohol on his body as opposed to your body.

00:25:26.000 Yeah.

00:25:26.000 You and I have gotten drunk a bunch of times together.

00:25:28.000 You just are, you should fear drunk.

00:25:29.000 Yeah.

00:25:30.000 You know, there's nothing crazy at all.

00:25:32.000 You're you.

00:25:32.000 You're exactly the same guy, but you'll laugh a little bit more.

00:25:35.000 Right, right. 0.99

00:25:35.000 You'll be a little bit more ridiculous, like all of us when we're drunk. 0.99

00:25:38.000 You get looser. 0.99

00:25:39.000 But there are certain folks that they go away.

00:25:42.000 And then this other guy's there.

00:25:43.000 I love that.

00:25:44.000 It's one of my favorite things to say.

00:25:45.000 They're not making memories right now.

00:25:47.000 This is all just unrecorded. 0.98

00:25:49.000 That's what's really fucked up. 0.95

00:25:50.000 It's like they're in a dream. 0.96

00:25:53.000 There's people that have a real issue like that.

00:25:55.000 That was always the sign of alcoholism.

00:25:57.000 If you black out, that means you're an alcoholic.

00:25:59.000 People are like, what do you mean?

00:26:00.000 I blacked out like a hundred times.

00:26:01.000 Like, yeah, you're an alcoholic.

00:26:04.000 But there is something to say.

00:26:06.000 I've been freaking myself out.

00:26:07.000 I like to drink, but it seems like every night I come home like, I don't remember the last hour at all.

00:26:13.000 But then I'm thinking, wait, I only had three drinks last night.

00:26:16.000 I think there's also a lot to do with how much you smoke weed with alcohol.

00:26:20.000 Together, make them both jump off.

00:26:22.000 Yeah, because I... No, no, no.

00:26:24.000 Dude, it's like that's in both...

00:26:25.000 Like, jump-started.

00:26:27.000 Like, right now, today, I've only smoked weed, and I really don't remember what I did last...

00:26:31.000 Like, two hours ago.

00:26:32.000 I'm just trying to remember...

00:26:33.000 Well, you didn't get much sleep last night either, right?

00:26:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:26:35.000 Yeah, that's what it is for me.

00:26:36.000 It happens a lot, though, where, like, I come home, and I'm like, well, I don't remember much last night, but...

00:26:41.000 I smoked like 14 joints.

00:26:43.000 Smoking 14 joints is probably a bad idea, but what's a good idea for you is definitely to take a break off the boozing.

00:26:50.000 Oh yeah, that's this week.

00:26:51.000 Because you're healthy.

00:26:52.000 I mean look, what you did with your life as far as like have fun over the last few years, go party, you know, just be at the comedy clubs all the time.

00:27:01.000 Great, fun thing that so few people get to do.

00:27:04.000 There's nothing wrong with doing it.

00:27:06.000 It's like, do you do it and manage how much damage you do to yourself in the process?

00:27:11.000 At a certain point in time, I just feel that most folks can't keep drinking.

00:27:17.000 Most folks, they get to a certain point in time. 0.99

00:27:19.000 There's always stories about some guy who's 100 years old, smoked cigarettes, but that guy, the reason why you hear those stories is that's unusual as fuck. 0.94

00:27:29.000 Most people, when they get to be 50, 60, when they're smokers, they start having real problems. 0.98

00:27:37.000 Extreme problems.

00:27:39.000 Strokes, cancer. 0.99

00:27:40.000 He drank every day until he died.

00:27:42.000 I'm like, how often did you hang out with your grandfather? 0.97

00:27:45.000 He's over there jerking off and eating tobacco. 0.86

00:27:49.000 I don't know how much of it is true. 0.96

00:27:52.000 I know there's always a guy that lives to be 100 and a guy that smokes all the time and he's fine until the day he died.

00:27:58.000 Yeah, whatever.

00:27:59.000 I know people that I've seen their body deteriorate.

00:28:03.000 I've seen their face start to shrivel in.

00:28:07.000 From cigarettes?

00:28:08.000 Yeah.

00:28:09.000 You know that weird thing you do when a guy's a chain smoker and you start to see their face starts to shrivel in?

00:28:14.000 It's hardened.

00:28:14.000 It's like it's pulling into itself.

00:28:17.000 Also the sun of the other.

00:28:19.000 They look gray.

00:28:20.000 They gotta go outside all the time.

00:28:22.000 That leather face.

00:28:23.000 That beach face.

00:28:24.000 Because you gotta be outside smoking.

00:28:26.000 But just, I know several people have died because of cigarettes.

00:28:30.000 Several.

00:28:31.000 The first was a guy that I knew, well, I guess I don't have any relatives that died from it, but I knew a guy who was at the pool hall he used to hang out with.

00:28:41.000 He died slow, man.

00:28:42.000 Cancer?

00:28:42.000 Yeah, he died slow.

00:28:44.000 That James died quick.

00:28:45.000 I knew three guys there.

00:28:45.000 I knew three guys there that died from cigarettes, that smoked cigarettes every day.

00:28:49.000 He changed smoke, then they got cancer and died.

00:28:51.000 Does anyone in your family smoke?

00:28:52.000 No, not anymore.

00:28:54.000 But my sister smoked for a little while.

00:28:55.000 My mom smoked for a little while.

00:28:57.000 Well, then you're probably good to go.

00:28:58.000 You could probably smoke for a good 20 years if you wanted to.

00:29:00.000 I'm not into it.

00:29:01.000 Thanks, though.

00:29:03.000 No, just 20 years.

00:29:04.000 Just try it.

00:29:04.000 It's probably okay.

00:29:06.000 Probably like, I mean, Ari, you have to admit, you used to enjoy smoking.

00:29:09.000 Oh, I loved it.

00:29:09.000 Are you kidding me?

00:29:11.000 In China, I was thinking, like, I got the urge back.

00:29:13.000 Ooh, because everybody smokes over there, right?

00:29:15.000 Everybody smokes.

00:29:16.000 Maybe it's the pollution, so I was already feeling it a little too.

00:29:19.000 Did you get close? 1.00

00:29:21.000 Just saying, fuck it? 1.00

00:29:22.000 No, I was looking at people with their cigarettes going... 1.00

00:29:25.000 Do you think that you could smoke for like a week and then not get hooked again?

00:29:29.000 No.

00:29:30.000 I think two cigarettes I'm fully hooked.

00:29:33.000 Oh my goodness.

00:29:34.000 One is still, I could still be like, that was disgusting.

00:29:36.000 But you know what?

00:29:36.000 It might be disgusting, but then it starts going away through your body.

00:29:40.000 And then the next day, you'll be like, yeah, I need one.

00:29:42.000 I really wish I understood addiction.

00:29:45.000 I had a guy on here, Dr. Carl Hart, who explained addictions to me.

00:29:50.000 When you're talking to a guy who's super smart and knows a lot about the human body and the mechanisms of addiction, and he's explaining to me, I'm hearing the words he's saying, and I get what he's trying to explain to me, but I totally don't understand the mechanisms of how these addictions work.

00:30:04.000 I don't understand it.

00:30:05.000 But the way he was saying it was that it's more mental than anything.

00:30:09.000 It's more people just, it's in their mind.

00:30:11.000 The actual physical addiction, he said, is not that big of a deal.

00:30:13.000 Yeah, like the people who eat their couches and stuff.

00:30:16.000 People who eat their couches?

00:30:17.000 Yeah, you know those weird addictions.

00:30:18.000 People who eat their couches?

00:30:19.000 Eat the couch cushion out a little bit at a time.

00:30:21.000 Oh, Jesus, I haven't seen that.

00:30:22.000 I saw a chick who was eating tape. 1.00

00:30:24.000 Yeah, stuff like that.

00:30:25.000 She was addicted to eating tape.

00:30:26.000 She would pull the plastic tape, break it off, put it in her mouth and start chewing it.

00:30:29.000 But there's nothing chemical to that.

00:30:32.000 That's just mental. 0.99

00:30:33.000 That's crazy person. 0.98

00:30:34.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:30:35.000 That's just 100% crazy person.

00:30:36.000 But that's also an addiction.

00:30:39.000 Yeah.

00:30:39.000 That's what's weird about being a person.

00:30:42.000 I'm addicted to it.

00:30:44.000 Yeah, there's like addictions that are just compulsive.

00:30:49.000 They're a habit.

00:30:50.000 For whatever reason, you just feel the need to do it.

00:30:53.000 Yeah.

00:30:54.000 And a cigarette apparently is one of those.

00:30:56.000 Food's a big one.

00:30:57.000 For some folks, it's the drive-thru. 0.99

00:30:59.000 That rush that you get when you're not supposed to go to that drive-thru, but you, fuck it, let's do this, and it's like you get an addiction to that feeling. 0.98

00:31:05.000 It's like they're skydiving. 0.99

00:31:06.000 Yeah.

00:31:06.000 They're stopping at Arby's.

00:31:07.000 Well, dude, I've had that feeling.

00:31:09.000 You've had that feeling too, especially when you're drunk.

00:31:12.000 Right?

00:31:12.000 It does feel good to know you're going to get food.

00:31:14.000 Yeah, you're going to get some delicious, delicious...

00:31:16.000 Remember when we used to walk to Carney's right down the street from the store? 1.00

00:31:19.000 That's some of the worst shit you could ever eat in your life. 1.00

00:31:22.000 Yeah, it was so good. 1.00

00:31:23.000 So good.

00:31:24.000 I had it like last year again.

00:31:26.000 Yeah, you should never eat it. 0.99

00:31:28.000 Every time I eat it, I was like, what the fuck did I just do to my body? 0.97

00:31:32.000 There's no food pyramid where that's on. 0.99

00:31:33.000 Yeah, you get chili fries on top of a chili dog.

00:31:36.000 That's totally an addiction.

00:31:37.000 That place is an addictive place.

00:31:39.000 Those kind of places are addictive and great.

00:31:41.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:31:42.000 I'm glad they exist.

00:31:43.000 I would go there tomorrow.

00:31:45.000 I would go there tomorrow.

00:31:47.000 But there's a certain addiction to that.

00:31:52.000 This is very peripheral because you're not doing it all day, every day like you can with cigarettes.

00:31:56.000 So I would imagine just the ritual aspect of the tradition, of the habit, would be way bigger because you're doing it all day.

00:32:03.000 Something to do with your hands, too.

00:32:05.000 Yeah, you're doing this all day?

00:32:07.000 Dice had to chew on cigarettes for years.

00:32:09.000 Oh! 0.60

00:32:10.000 Remember that?

00:32:10.000 Chewing on cigarettes!

00:32:12.000 Oh! 0.60

00:32:13.000 Chewing for the same six minutes it would have taken to smoke it, and then throws it out and starts a new one.

00:32:17.000 That's smart of him, but then he started smoking again.

00:32:19.000 Then he started smoking again.

00:32:20.000 But then one time I saw him on stage, he threw one out and started a new one, and he goes, What are you doing, Dice?

00:32:26.000 What are you doing?

00:32:28.000 Toothpicks are $3.99 for $100!

00:32:33.000 That's so nice that he would worry about how much money he's spending.

00:32:37.000 I'm giving these jerk-offs!

00:32:39.000 Yeah, he's got to get a special brand cigarette that he wasn't even smoking for like five years. 0.88

00:32:43.000 There is something very calming about it, though.

00:32:45.000 Like, when you're stressed or if you...

00:32:48.000 Do you want a cinnamon stick?

00:32:49.000 Oh, yeah, no, no.

00:32:50.000 A cigarette?

00:32:50.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:32:52.000 There's a real effect.

00:32:53.000 But here's what's crazy.

00:32:54.000 That real effect is just that you're addicted to cigarettes.

00:32:57.000 No, nicotine's calming also.

00:32:59.000 But it's not, though.

00:33:00.000 It's a stimulant.

00:33:01.000 Nicotine is more of a stimulant, I'm pretty sure.

00:33:03.000 I don't think it has a calming effect.

00:33:05.000 It's also, it calms you because you're like, oh, now I don't need a cigarette anymore.

00:33:07.000 Well, let's Google that because we live in 2014 and I might be totally wrong.

00:33:12.000 But the way it was explained to me and the way Dr. Hart describes it is that what's going on is you have this buildup and this need to get it in your body.

00:33:22.000 Then when you get it in your body, you calm yourself.

00:33:24.000 So that when you're in a situation where you're very stressed out, you absolutely have extraneous external stress, but you also have the stress of the fact that you need a cigarette.

00:33:34.000 Maybe it also seems like the same feeling as when you get a cigarette.

00:33:36.000 So when you do actually get stressed, it's like, oh, this reminds me of the time.

00:33:40.000 I should have cigarettes.

00:33:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:33:42.000 And again, I think what we talked about earlier, that the daily ritual aspect of a cigarette must be incredibly strong because you do it so often, especially if you have a drink.

00:33:53.000 How many people tell you they only smoke when they drink?

00:33:55.000 Yeah, a lot of people.

00:33:56.000 Right?

00:33:56.000 What is that?

00:33:57.000 You know you're doing something bad.

00:33:58.000 It's the same thing as eating their carnies. 1.00

00:34:00.000 You know you're doing something bad and you're like, fuck it. 1.00

00:34:03.000 It's a ritual. 1.00

00:34:03.000 When I get drunk, I like to do that. 1.00

00:34:05.000 It's like the flavor of coffee and cigarettes together is like the best two ingredients that make the best pie ever.

00:34:12.000 Yeah, nicotine is a stimulant.

00:34:15.000 It was good.

00:34:16.000 This is the actual explanation of what nicotine is.

00:34:21.000 Nicotine is a potent, boy, here we go, sympathomimectic.

00:34:29.000 That's my middle name.

00:34:31.000 Parasympathomimectic alkaloid found in the nightshade family of plants and is a stimulant drug.

00:34:36.000 Nightshade?

00:34:37.000 Mm-hmm.

00:34:37.000 That sounds cool.

00:34:39.000 That's why people like to smoke cigarettes after they fuck. 1.00

00:34:41.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:34:43.000 It's a nicotinic acetylcholine receptor and agonist. 1.00

00:34:50.000 It's made from the roots and accumulates in the leaves of plants, which is obviously a tobacco plant.

00:34:57.000 I think some other plants have nicotinic.

00:34:59.000 There were a lot of words in there I didn't know.

00:35:00.000 Yeah.

00:35:01.000 I think you can get nicotine from, I want to say guarana.

00:35:04.000 It might be something differently.

00:35:07.000 You ever have that acai?

00:35:10.000 That's what that is.

00:35:11.000 That's guarana berries.

00:35:13.000 Yeah.

00:35:14.000 Acai.

00:35:15.000 I'm pretty sure.

00:35:16.000 Is acai guarana?

00:35:17.000 It's spelled like something different, right?

00:35:19.000 How's it spelled?

00:35:20.000 I can never spell it.

00:35:22.000 A-C-A-I. Is Nigeria going to play Germany?

00:35:24.000 A-C-A-I. That's it. 1.00

00:35:26.000 Is Nigeria going to play Germany?

00:35:27.000 Yeah.

00:35:27.000 There's a black guy on the Nigerian team.

00:35:29.000 I mean, on the German team.

00:35:33.000 Why?

00:35:34.000 What's so funny?

00:35:36.000 I just wondered.

00:35:38.000 This acai stuff is so delicious.

00:35:42.000 But apparently when you get it in Brazil, you get the pure form of it.

00:35:46.000 And a lot of times what we get has a lot of sugar in it.

00:35:50.000 I wonder who's got the best acai.

00:35:53.000 So I'm wrong.

00:35:54.000 It's not that other fruit.

00:35:55.000 What did I say it was?

00:35:56.000 What did I think it was?

00:35:57.000 Uh...

00:35:58.000 Guarana?

00:35:59.000 Guarana.

00:36:00.000 I think Guarana is a totally different thing.

00:36:02.000 Oh, yeah, I know.

00:36:03.000 But Guarana is some sort of a stimulant.

00:36:07.000 Guarana is like caffeine. 1.00

00:36:10.000 You ever have that shit, that soda, that Brazilian soda? 1.00

00:36:12.000 Uh-uh. 1.00

00:36:13.000 At Fogo de Chão, you never have that green Guarana soda?

00:36:15.000 Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

00:36:16.000 Uh-uh.

00:36:16.000 Oh, son, you're missing out.

00:36:18.000 If you're going to go to Fogo de Chão and have the full Brazilian experience, you've got to get one of those Guarana sodas.

00:36:24.000 I'm going to go back to Brazil.

00:36:25.000 Oh, so good.

00:36:26.000 I wouldn't go there.

00:36:27.000 Or Fogo.

00:36:29.000 Yeah, Fogo.

00:36:30.000 They have real Fogos. 1.00

00:36:32.000 They have the original Fogos in Rio. 1.00

00:36:34.000 Chicken hearts.

00:36:35.000 Yeah, they have chicken hearts and organs. 0.98

00:36:37.000 They love to eat like that, man.

00:36:39.000 Those people love to eat like that.

00:36:41.000 Guarana has caffeine.

00:36:43.000 Yes, it does.

00:36:44.000 Caffeine?

00:36:45.000 Yeah.

00:36:46.000 So that stuff has caffeine in it.

00:36:47.000 That's what I was getting confused with.

00:36:49.000 So guarana, I'm pretty sure is a totally different thing.

00:36:52.000 Acai, yeah, it doesn't even look like it.

00:36:54.000 Acai is those berries.

00:36:56.000 Anyway, the important thing is keep smoking because it simulates you.

00:36:59.000 Listen to these guys. 1.00

00:37:01.000 They're fucking with you, man. 1.00

00:37:02.000 Don't do it. 1.00

00:37:03.000 It was so good.

00:37:03.000 I wonder how many people, as we talked about cigarettes and how bad they were, got the urge and lit up.

00:37:07.000 I'm sure they did.

00:37:08.000 They're smoking right now.

00:37:09.000 At least some.

00:37:10.000 Cursing us.

00:37:11.000 You know what I wish?

00:37:11.000 I wish I'd never smoked my whole life and on my 40th birthday I would start smoking.

00:37:16.000 Because who cares?

00:37:17.000 By the time you turn 80, who cares if you get cancer? 1.00

00:37:20.000 Oh my god, you're so retarded. 1.00

00:37:21.000 Why would it be then? 1.00

00:37:22.000 Why wouldn't it be when you're 43?

00:37:24.000 Sure.

00:37:25.000 I wonder about you sometimes. 1.00

00:37:28.000 Maybe that fucking computer sitting in front of the computer editing just cooked you. 1.00

00:37:31.000 You ever think of that? 1.00

00:37:32.000 That's what I'm saying, Joe. 1.00

00:37:33.000 That shit's not good for you. 1.00

00:37:34.000 You're a different man now. 1.00

00:37:36.000 Maybe you could do it from a distance with a remote control or something.

00:37:38.000 No, because you get addicted to things and you start looking at things and overplaying stuff over and over.

00:37:45.000 Oh, when you're video editing me?

00:37:46.000 Yeah, when you play something over like three hours in a row.

00:37:49.000 That makes it so crazy, right?

00:37:51.000 But that's a sign of being really in love with what you're doing.

00:37:54.000 You're just really connected.

00:37:55.000 You're obsessed with your work.

00:37:57.000 Come on, man.

00:37:57.000 You know that when you release those really good ones and you got awesome response online from people.

00:38:03.000 It's just work.

00:38:04.000 Universally, on that message board, people talk about how great your video editing skills were.

00:38:08.000 Did your eyes burn at the end of that?

00:38:09.000 I read about it.

00:38:09.000 At the end of those nights where you're like, ah.

00:38:11.000 For sure.

00:38:11.000 Yeah.

00:38:12.000 They actually say that is what's happening.

00:38:14.000 It's cooking your tear ducts.

00:38:15.000 Wow, really?

00:38:16.000 There's something about it, like it dries out your tear ducts.

00:38:18.000 It's really bad for you.

00:38:19.000 I still cry.

00:38:21.000 Well, I got a pair of glasses, and they're yellow.

00:38:24.000 They're supposed to cut down on the glare.

00:38:26.000 It's less intrusive.

00:38:29.000 It's like shooting glasses.

00:38:30.000 They look just like the type of glasses you wear on the range.

00:38:32.000 Because looking through yellow, it's supposed to be like... 1.00

00:38:34.000 Remember they have those stupid fucking commercials for those cheap-ass sunglasses? 1.00

00:38:38.000 HD glasses. 1.00

00:38:39.000 They're the best sunglasses.

00:38:40.000 They would go to the beach and be like, what do you think of these?

00:38:43.000 Everything's so much clearer!

00:38:45.000 Wow!

00:38:46.000 Yeah.

00:38:46.000 Me and Segura wear those.

00:38:48.000 Segura wears them?

00:38:49.000 Yeah, me and Tom.

00:38:50.000 Really?

00:38:50.000 Yeah.

00:38:51.000 Well, those are the ones that you're supposed to look at when you look at your computer.

00:38:54.000 They're really nice.

00:38:55.000 HD vision!

00:38:57.000 It wraps around my normal spectacles!

00:39:00.000 Yeah, you got the side ones too.

00:39:02.000 There's a little window on the side.

00:39:03.000 Listen, Ari, you got nothing to say to that guy.

00:39:06.000 Look at him.

00:39:06.000 What are you and him going to talk about?

00:39:08.000 You're on a bus next to each other for five hours.

00:39:10.000 So, what do you do for a living?

00:39:13.000 I'm just a comic.

00:39:14.000 Where'd you get those glasses?

00:39:16.000 Oh, these are my HD wraparounds I've seen on TV. What?

00:39:19.000 Oh, really?

00:39:20.000 You saw them on TV and you ordered them from TV? They allow me to see you in a totally different light.

00:39:24.000 Like what?

00:39:25.000 I've never met a Jew.

00:39:26.000 You can see the horns.

00:39:27.000 What is it like being a Jew?

00:39:30.000 Rawr.

00:39:31.000 What is it like?

00:39:31.000 It's my favorite question.

00:39:32.000 My favorite stupid question to ask somebody. 1.00

00:39:34.000 What is it like to whatever? 1.00

00:39:35.000 What do you mean? 0.98

00:39:36.000 What's it like to be fucking funny? 0.99

00:39:38.000 Seven. 0.99

00:39:40.000 It's like eight.

00:39:41.000 Yeah.

00:39:43.000 What's it like to have those beautiful wraparound yellow sunglasses?

00:39:46.000 It's like not having them, but it's way better than that. 0.98

00:39:50.000 Yeah, people say some weird shit to people sometimes. 0.89

00:39:52.000 What's it like? 0.98

00:39:54.000 Yeah, it must be nice.

00:39:55.000 What's it like?

00:39:57.000 What's it like drinking a Coca-Cola?

00:39:59.000 What's it like to have him for a brother?

00:40:00.000 I don't know.

00:40:01.000 For what?

00:40:02.000 For a brother?

00:40:02.000 Him for a brother.

00:40:04.000 What's it like?

00:40:05.000 I don't know.

00:40:05.000 What's it like to have him for a brother?

00:40:06.000 Yeah.

00:40:07.000 What's it like to have her for a mom?

00:40:08.000 Huh? 1.00

00:40:09.000 Fuck, bro. 1.00

00:40:10.000 I guess the experience is... 1.00

00:40:14.000 Yeah.

00:40:15.000 People say douchey things, like, on the sneak tip. 0.99

00:40:18.000 They can say douchey shit like that where you're not supposed to get mad at them, but you're allowed to anyway. 1.00

00:40:22.000 It's like, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:40:23.000 What kind of question is that? 0.99

00:40:24.000 It's going nowhere.

00:40:25.000 You're wasting everyone's time.

00:40:26.000 What's it like to have her for a mom? 1.00

00:40:28.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:40:28.000 What kind of question are you asking me, bitch? 1.00

00:40:30.000 Like, that's some weird person, right? 1.00

00:40:32.000 That's a person who's not nice.

00:40:34.000 Yeah.

00:40:34.000 They're being douchey with you.

00:40:35.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:40:36.000 Fuck them right back. 1.00

00:40:36.000 Fuck them right back, son. 1.00

00:40:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:40:39.000 Take that shit. 1.00

00:40:40.000 Joe, did you follow that story about that kidnapping of the kid that they found in the basement? 1.00

00:40:44.000 Yeah!

00:40:45.000 What the hell was that about?

00:40:46.000 That's so suspect.

00:40:48.000 Which kid?

00:40:48.000 It's very suspect, right?

00:40:50.000 Yeah.

00:40:50.000 What happened?

00:40:51.000 Nancy Grace interviewed the guy, the father, too, I guess, last night.

00:40:55.000 I didn't watch it, but I heard it was...

00:40:57.000 You're trying to tell me that you didn't look in the basement for your son and he was in there for 11 days?

00:41:06.000 Is that what you're trying to tell me, sir?

00:41:10.000 And wasn't he like, I just thought my son was dead.

00:41:12.000 Huh?

00:41:13.000 He was just trapped in there?

00:41:14.000 He was hiding.

00:41:15.000 Oh.

00:41:16.000 Apparently.

00:41:17.000 The official story.

00:41:18.000 He died?

00:41:19.000 No.

00:41:19.000 No, he's alive.

00:41:20.000 They went looking for him for like 11 days.

00:41:22.000 The kid was in the basement the whole time hiding. 1.00

00:41:24.000 Hiding behind some shit. 1.00

00:41:26.000 In a self-built dungeon? 1.00

00:41:26.000 He decided to make himself like a little house back there. 1.00

00:41:29.000 Oh, wow.

00:41:30.000 So whatever.

00:41:30.000 He had food and clothes.

00:41:32.000 Yeah.

00:41:33.000 Obviously, there's something wrong.

00:41:35.000 You know?

00:41:35.000 I mean, that doesn't seem like a normal kid wants to be around their parents.

00:41:39.000 Right.

00:41:39.000 You know?

00:41:40.000 Kids don't usually want to hide.

00:41:42.000 It must be much more than it.

00:41:44.000 For 11 days.

00:41:45.000 Oh, you're saying the dad must have done something.

00:41:46.000 No way some kid hides for 11 days.

00:41:48.000 Something's wrong.

00:41:49.000 Whatever it is, whoever did something, it seems like something's wrong.

00:41:52.000 How many people are out there like that, that we don't know about?

00:41:55.000 Like what?

00:41:55.000 What percentage of the population is in some terrible place like that, where they're trying to hide from their parents or they're trying to hide from someone in their family or someone they're close to?

00:42:04.000 What percentage?

00:42:05.000 It is Detroit, Michigan.

00:42:07.000 The kid's 11. He might just have a girlfriend.

00:42:09.000 He's fucking in a basement somewhere. 1.00

00:42:10.000 That's true. 1.00

00:42:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:11.000 He'd be banging in the basement.

00:42:12.000 I don't think so, though.

00:42:13.000 Because they said they found him solo back there.

00:42:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:42:17.000 Maybe he decided to go on an epic masturbation. 0.98

00:42:19.000 What was he like when they found him? 0.96

00:42:21.000 I don't know.

00:42:21.000 He had food.

00:42:22.000 Yeah.

00:42:23.000 He had food down there.

00:42:24.000 He was hiding.

00:42:25.000 But there was blood that was found, like on rags and stuff.

00:42:27.000 There's a lot of weird questions about this whole thing.

00:42:29.000 Oh, boy.

00:42:30.000 I didn't hear about that part.

00:42:31.000 There might be period blood, though.

00:42:32.000 It could be, right?

00:42:33.000 But do girls get their period now at 11? 0.99

00:42:35.000 In Detroit they do.

00:42:36.000 They do.

00:42:37.000 I heard Detroit's becoming a cool city again.

00:42:39.000 Is that because of the metal? 1.00

00:42:40.000 Whoever said that, tell them to go fuck themselves. 1.00

00:42:41.000 All these artists are moving in there and it's like changing up. 1.00

00:42:44.000 Listen, I hope that happens.

00:42:46.000 But we were just there a little while ago.

00:42:49.000 There's houses there that are $500.

00:42:52.000 We're going to be kicking ourselves in 20 years.

00:42:55.000 You could have gotten a house for $10 and you didn't do it?

00:42:58.000 Why didn't you buy $100 at $10? 0.99

00:43:00.000 All due respect to Kid Rock and Eminem, I'm not moving to fucking Detroit. 0.97

00:43:04.000 I'm not buying property there. 0.99

00:43:06.000 It went bad.

00:43:07.000 I hope it goes back, but it went bad.

00:43:10.000 What are they going to do?

00:43:11.000 Suddenly build new plants there?

00:43:12.000 Well, listen, the folks that are there, I definitely think there's an artist community there.

00:43:17.000 We met a lot of cool people that live there, no doubt about it.

00:43:20.000 But I'm saying, if you were trying to invest in something that you think you're stealing money, it's going to take a lot of work to bring Detroit back. 0.97

00:43:30.000 People are cool as fuck, though, man. 0.96

00:43:31.000 I enjoyed hanging out there. 0.98

00:43:33.000 People were super nice.

00:43:34.000 But I felt bad.

00:43:35.000 We were on this river.

00:43:38.000 Um, where, uh, these people were fishing and I was like, this water is not clean.

00:43:42.000 This is dirty water.

00:43:43.000 And they were like, yeah, it is.

00:43:45.000 And it was like, it's one of the most, the area around Zug Island is one of the most polluted areas in the country.

00:43:50.000 Wow.

00:43:50.000 And these people were fishing in it.

00:43:51.000 And I was like, man, I mean, how, I don't know if they're testing these fish.

00:43:55.000 I don't know if people are just eating them. 0.99

00:43:56.000 There were Chinese people fishing in those fucking dirty, and I was like, what are you doing? 1.00

00:44:00.000 Even the residents were like, what are you doing? 1.00

00:44:02.000 They need food, man.

00:44:04.000 That's what it is.

00:44:05.000 You might have a fish that's not so good, but at least you're not hungry.

00:44:09.000 You cook it up good. 1.00

00:44:11.000 Shit, if you're smoking cigarettes already, you know, what difference does it make if you eat a fucking metallic fish? 1.00

00:44:18.000 Some fish loaded up with polluted heavy metal pollutions. 1.00

00:44:22.000 Apparently they checked a fish that they caught outside of Fukushima.

00:44:26.000 Yeah.

00:44:27.000 And it was fine.

00:44:28.000 And it was one of the fish...

00:44:29.000 This is a science guy who debunks a lot of the myths about, you know, climate change and disasters and all sorts of like...

00:44:38.000 He's very, very strict, very concise with his, whether it's politically correct or not.

00:44:47.000 He's very scientific about his explanations for these things.

00:44:50.000 And he was explaining that this is a fish that is indigenous to this area.

00:44:54.000 It doesn't migrate.

00:44:55.000 So it's a fish that's been sucking in that water, filled with radiation.

00:44:59.000 It's only like a mile off the coast.

00:45:01.000 I think it was less than a mile.

00:45:02.000 And you can eat it.

00:45:04.000 He's like, these fish are fine.

00:45:06.000 You don't have to worry about the fish that's in the ocean.

00:45:07.000 Have they caught fish that weren't like that?

00:45:09.000 They have caught fish that have an elevated amount of radiation in it.

00:45:13.000 And this is what's been really fascinating about Fukushima. 0.99

00:45:16.000 Obviously, I'm a fucking idiot, so when you're listening to me, anything that I say that might sound tricky, Google it. 0.96

00:45:22.000 What's fascinating about this is that it's opened me up to paying attention to how many different things have radiation. 1.00

00:45:30.000 There was an article the other day that said Grand Central Station has more radiation naturally occurring because of all that stone, all that marble that they have inside of there.

00:45:40.000 Marble gives off a certain amount of natural radiation.

00:45:43.000 It radiates.

00:45:44.000 And there's more radiation inside that giant train station than is allowable at a nuclear power plant for workers.

00:45:52.000 Really?

00:45:53.000 Yes.

00:45:54.000 Wow.

00:45:55.000 But it's natural radiation.

00:45:57.000 So that's better for you?

00:45:58.000 I don't know.

00:45:59.000 I don't understand that.

00:46:00.000 Natural cholesterol. 0.99

00:46:00.000 That's where shit gets weird. 0.99

00:46:01.000 But when you're on a plane, you're taking mega doses. 0.99

00:46:04.000 We had Ensign Inoue, who lives in Japan.

00:46:06.000 Yeah.

00:46:07.000 And Ensign, he does a lot of relief work for people up in Fukushima, trying to help people and spread the word about how bad the situation is and how many displaced people are up there.

00:46:16.000 He said that he brought his Geiger counter with him.

00:46:19.000 He brought in a plane.

00:46:20.000 He said, when you're in a plane, it's like the same as when you're in Fukushima. 0.99

00:46:25.000 It's fucking terrible! 0.97

00:46:27.000 My dad said that you could actually... 1.00

00:46:28.000 Hang out there for a couple hours and you'll be fine.

00:46:31.000 So if you find a fish that's like a mile off shore, that fish is probably not just hanging out at that exact location for, you know, the whole time.

00:46:38.000 It probably just swam there, got caught.

00:46:40.000 So it's probably safe enough to eat this fish.

00:46:43.000 No, but that fish wasn't a migratory fish.

00:46:45.000 That was one of the reasons why it was significant.

00:46:48.000 I guess, yeah. 1.00

00:46:49.000 I think it's hard to put in our stupid little heads how big the fucking ocean is. 1.00

00:46:53.000 It's pretty big. 1.00

00:46:54.000 Yeah, it's hard.

00:46:55.000 It's so big.

00:46:56.000 It's bigger than the continent.

00:46:59.000 If you look at what the Pacific Ocean looks like and you look at the continent in North America, we're like this little tiny thing in there.

00:47:05.000 We don't show the whole thing on the map because there's not enough room to show the whole thing on the map.

00:47:10.000 Oh, really?

00:47:11.000 I mean, sort of.

00:47:13.000 I mean, look, you don't really get it.

00:47:15.000 You don't get it.

00:47:15.000 There's no way you get it.

00:47:17.000 The only way you get it is when you fly in Australia and you look out the window.

00:47:19.000 Just go out there and find it. 0.94

00:47:21.000 It's so fucking far! 0.97

00:47:23.000 It's so fucking far! 0.94

00:47:25.000 There's so much water! 0.94

00:47:26.000 You can't see an end to the left, you can't see an end to the right, you can't see an end ahead, and you can't see an end behind you.

00:47:33.000 Everywhere you look is just water.

00:47:34.000 Life of pie. 0.99

00:47:36.000 Yeah, and you better have a fucking good one of them... 0.99

00:47:39.000 Yeah, that's the stuff we were going to get back to. 0.98

00:47:41.000 Exactly.

00:47:42.000 There was a part in Life of the Pie, I just watched it in 3D the other day, but there was a part in it where the tiger made this crazy face right before he was about to pee on the main character, and it was so trippy.

00:47:54.000 It made me wonder why they threw it in there.

00:47:57.000 Like, it was very unrealistic.

00:47:58.000 And you were saying that you thought the movie kind of felt unrealistic, the tiger.

00:48:02.000 Well, it was completely unrealistic as far as the dynamic of the relationship between the guy and the tiger.

00:48:07.000 The fact that they fought over food.

00:48:09.000 The fact that he beat the tiger back and he was on a boat.

00:48:12.000 I mean, that...

00:48:13.000 I can go so far if he had superpowers.

00:48:15.000 If he was Wolverine or something like that, he could survive.

00:48:18.000 But the end explained that.

00:48:19.000 You understood the end, how he explained all that.

00:48:21.000 Yeah.

00:48:21.000 It didn't really happen.

00:48:22.000 No, he's hallucinating.

00:48:23.000 But during the movie, I'm like, this is just pissing me off.

00:48:26.000 Right, because it's too much. 0.99

00:48:27.000 When he was trying to get up that ladder and he wouldn't let him in the boat, man, that was some deep shit right there. 1.00

00:48:33.000 It was deep shit. 1.00

00:48:34.000 But the problem is, that's... 1.00

00:48:37.000 You know, my only problem with it is the unreal...

00:48:39.000 I mean, I shouldn't have a problem with it if it's just a dream.

00:48:41.000 Right. 0.98

00:48:41.000 But the unrealistic movement of the cat drove me fucking crazy. 0.98

00:48:45.000 Because without that, the whole movie does not exist. 0.66

00:48:47.000 It doesn't work.

00:48:48.000 Oh, right.

00:48:48.000 It's just a special effects movie.

00:48:49.000 Yeah, because if you...

00:48:50.000 Like that Judge Dredd where they all use a slow-mo.

00:48:53.000 Did you see that one?

00:48:53.000 Yes.

00:48:54.000 Yeah, like, this is, wow, this is a commercial for that camera.

00:48:57.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

00:48:58.000 Hey, did you like Godzilla?

00:48:59.000 I'm gonna guess yes.

00:49:00.000 Only the end.

00:49:01.000 I love the end.

00:49:03.000 What was the end? 0.92

00:49:03.000 When he killed that monster. 0.92

00:49:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:49:06.000 Shh.

00:49:06.000 Spoiler alert.

00:49:07.000 No, you can spoil it.

00:49:08.000 I just went like this, and I'm holding tight in your headphones.

00:49:11.000 Don't be spoil alert. 1.00

00:49:12.000 You get a limited amount of time, and then it's like, go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:49:16.000 With ample opportunity. 1.00

00:49:18.000 You can say somebody who's a Super Bowl winner the next day.

00:49:21.000 I can give away Star Wars. 0.99

00:49:23.000 At some point, it's a shitty movie. 0.97

00:49:25.000 You have a year to watch it. 0.99

00:49:27.000 It wasn't that shitty. 1.00

00:49:29.000 It was just dumb. 0.99

00:49:30.000 People are hating on it so much. 0.99

00:49:33.000 It's like the hipster thing they do. 1.00

00:49:34.000 It was just so dumb. 0.99

00:49:35.000 Even Breaking Bad was unpleasant in it. 1.00

00:49:38.000 It didn't do anything good.

00:49:40.000 Why is this storyline in there?

00:49:42.000 I almost said what happens to him.

00:49:44.000 Say it all.

00:49:45.000 It has problems.

00:49:46.000 No, don't do that.

00:49:47.000 Listen, it was a decent special effects movie.

00:49:51.000 That's it.

00:49:52.000 Godzilla was most certainly, no spoilers, no spoilers, most certainly the best Godzilla of all time, without a doubt.

00:49:58.000 You didn't mind the part where he got knocked out and buried under that building, and then all of a sudden he was up and fighting again, and then the next scene he was back to buried under that building?

00:50:09.000 Nobody likes guys getting knocked out with pistols in the movie and then getting up and then duking their way out of a bar.

00:50:15.000 Nobody likes that more than me.

00:50:16.000 Those are my favorite scenes.

00:50:18.000 They're so unrealistic.

00:50:19.000 I'm saying not getting up, being buried under a building, suddenly fighting the second Mothra guy, and then back to buried under the building as if he never had gotten out of it. 0.96

00:50:27.000 Yeah, ridiculous. 0.53

00:50:28.000 Yeah, just terrible editing. 0.81

00:50:30.000 That really happened?

00:50:31.000 Yeah.

00:50:31.000 He got out.

00:50:31.000 I was like, wait, what's happening?

00:50:33.000 There was no consistency.

00:50:35.000 Yeah, they just edited it wrong.

00:50:36.000 How about the dude?

00:50:37.000 Yeah, horrible.

00:50:38.000 The dude had the worst luck of all time, but yet the best luck.

00:50:42.000 Yeah, it was all fine.

00:50:43.000 The main character, all these terrible things keep happening, and yet he just stays alive.

00:50:49.000 But Godzilla looked awesome.

00:50:51.000 What I loved about Godzilla was the face.

00:50:54.000 It was incredible.

00:50:55.000 I was going to ask you, Tony said that he hated it because the face was really round and he looked very Japanese and cutesy.

00:51:02.000 Cutesy? 1.00

00:51:02.000 No way. 1.00

00:51:03.000 Tony's an evil man. 0.96

00:51:04.000 I think that was Tony who said that. 0.95

00:51:05.000 I'm pretty sure he's the one that said that. 0.96

00:51:07.000 He looks Japanese and evil. 1.00

00:51:09.000 Tony Hinchcliffe?

00:51:10.000 Yeah, cutesy. 0.99

00:51:10.000 Cutesy. 0.99

00:51:11.000 I will go with cutesy. 1.00

00:51:13.000 Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe.

00:51:16.000 I don't know why he was thinking about it looking cutesy.

00:51:18.000 I thought Godzilla looked awesome.

00:51:19.000 He looked pretty cool.

00:51:20.000 I had no problem with the look.

00:51:21.000 I like the other monster too.

00:51:23.000 The movie felt like a bunch of Hollywood people made it.

00:51:27.000 Well, like in an afternoon.

00:51:28.000 Yeah. 0.94

00:51:29.000 Well, it just felt like when you have an idea that's that high concept, you can run into cut-the-shit moments. 0.98

00:51:36.000 You can run into a bunch of cut-the-shit moments. 0.61

00:51:38.000 And there was just too many of them. 0.99

00:51:40.000 Way too many.

00:51:40.000 Yeah.

00:51:41.000 I mean, you could get away with doing a movie like 28 Days Later.

00:51:44.000 Obviously, they're completely different types of movies, but there was no cut-the-shit moments in that movie. 0.99

00:51:49.000 That movie was hard, fucking core. 0.99

00:51:51.000 There was one. 1.00

00:51:51.000 Dragged you into it. 1.00

00:51:52.000 Really?

00:51:53.000 Yeah.

00:51:53.000 What was one?

00:51:54.000 Yeah.

00:51:54.000 When he's in the...

00:51:55.000 Spoiler alert!

00:51:56.000 Oh, come on! 0.99

00:51:56.000 It's been a fucking decade and a half! 0.99

00:51:58.000 I think probably more. 0.99

00:52:00.000 What was the spoiler?

00:52:01.000 So he goes to that compound with all the army people.

00:52:05.000 They turn, because I like it.

00:52:07.000 Realistic.

00:52:07.000 That's what humans would do.

00:52:08.000 Right.

00:52:09.000 That's, you know...

00:52:11.000 Not Bukowski.

00:52:12.000 Whatever.

00:52:13.000 Somebody's view of the world.

00:52:14.000 Nietzsche?

00:52:15.000 No, who's that director?

00:52:17.000 Kubrick.

00:52:18.000 Kubrick.

00:52:19.000 Yeah.

00:52:19.000 He would always, like, humans will just devolve into animals.

00:52:22.000 That's pretty much true.

00:52:22.000 Take away society.

00:52:23.000 So, that's fine.

00:52:24.000 But then he, like, releases, like, one zombie into the, they were keeping.

00:52:28.000 But he's, like, suddenly an expert with weapons.

00:52:31.000 The whole movie is, like, trying to figure out what's happening.

00:52:34.000 I love that.

00:52:34.000 They have no clue.

00:52:35.000 He's never going to try to find a cure.

00:52:37.000 He's not that special.

00:52:38.000 And then suddenly he's just got...

00:52:40.000 He's really awesome with a machine gun out of nowhere.

00:52:42.000 Mo, how long had he been hanging out with those resistors?

00:52:45.000 It was too fast.

00:52:47.000 Too fast.

00:52:47.000 It was the only moment.

00:52:49.000 Everything else was great. 1.00

00:52:50.000 What if he had a background in the military or some shit? 0.99

00:52:52.000 Yeah, that's right then. 0.99

00:52:53.000 Yeah.

00:52:53.000 And you could explain that.

00:52:54.000 Okay, that makes sense.

00:52:55.000 That's very cliche though.

00:52:56.000 The lone guy who's had a background in the military, he's a loner. 1.00

00:53:00.000 Fucking Walking Dead does the same shit. 1.00

00:53:01.000 Carl, he's been using a gun. 1.00

00:53:03.000 He's fucking six. 1.00

00:53:04.000 He can shoot somebody over his father's shoulder at like eight yards. 1.00

00:53:07.000 He's older now. 0.97

00:53:08.000 Carl's been shooting a lot of zombies. 1.00

00:53:10.000 You get good at shit like that. 0.99

00:53:11.000 Kids are good at video games. 1.00

00:53:12.000 Everyone in that world is awesome at guns.

00:53:14.000 I feel bad for Carl because he has zero chance of getting laid. 1.00

00:53:17.000 There's no pussy for Carl. 1.00

00:53:18.000 Poor Carl. 1.00

00:53:19.000 He's already wandering around shooting fucking zombies. 1.00

00:53:22.000 There's no pussy. 1.00

00:53:23.000 He's like some older chicks that might eventually take him. 1.00

00:53:26.000 Would you cut...

00:53:28.000 I'm going to change the question.

00:53:30.000 How long till you would...

00:53:32.000 Once you heard about cutting off the arms of zombies and like...

00:53:35.000 Can I run around with you? 1.00

00:53:36.000 No, fuck one. 1.00

00:53:37.000 Fuck one? 1.00

00:53:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:53:38.000 I would worry that... 1.00

00:53:40.000 Look, dude, I wouldn't fuck someone with AIDS. Imagine fucking someone with a zombie. 1.00

00:53:43.000 It seems like people with AIDS live a lot longer than zombies. 1.00

00:53:46.000 People with AIDS look way better than zombies. 1.00

00:53:49.000 They just need some fucking medication. 1.00

00:53:51.000 There's modern drugs, okay? 1.00

00:53:53.000 But I wouldn't do that.

00:53:54.000 Would you?

00:53:55.000 What? 1.00

00:53:56.000 Fuck a guy who had AIDS. No. 1.00

00:53:59.000 What about a girl that is?

00:54:01.000 Of course not.

00:54:03.000 Okay, no, of course not. 1.00

00:54:04.000 So why would you fuck a zombie? 1.00

00:54:05.000 Because there's nobody else to fuck. 1.00

00:54:07.000 We have other people to fuck. 1.00

00:54:09.000 But dude, you wouldn't. 1.00

00:54:10.000 But if there was no one else to fuck? 1.00

00:54:10.000 Hold a zombie down and jerk off on its back. 1.00

00:54:13.000 What if there was no one else? 0.99

00:54:14.000 Oh, yeah, maybe. 1.00

00:54:16.000 Just fondle his butt. 1.00

00:54:18.000 But you'd have a problem. 1.00

00:54:19.000 Caress the butt. 0.96

00:54:20.000 You'd have a problem. 1.00

00:54:20.000 You'd still feel like a rapist. 1.00

00:54:22.000 Imagine holding some girl zombie down and she's screaming and gnashing. 1.00

00:54:26.000 And you're trying to fuck her. 1.00

00:54:28.000 You'd feel terrible. 1.00

00:54:28.000 What if it started screaming a different way? 1.00

00:54:30.000 You'd feel the... 1.00

00:54:31.000 What if you fucked them and they came back to life? 1.00

00:54:37.000 Thank you. 1.00

00:54:37.000 I couldn't tell you, but that was a secret. 1.00

00:54:40.000 You had to fuck me. 1.00

00:54:41.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

00:54:42.000 I found a cure that none of you are going to believe.

00:54:44.000 Like a prince.

00:54:46.000 A prince and a frog.

00:54:47.000 I'm telling you.

00:54:47.000 The girl had to kiss the frog, right?

00:54:49.000 The guy's got to fuck the zombie. 1.00

00:54:50.000 And boom, she comes back to life. 1.00

00:54:52.000 But you cut my fucking arms off, asshole. 1.00

00:54:54.000 I'm so sorry. 1.00

00:54:55.000 I didn't know.

00:54:55.000 I thought you were never coming back.

00:54:57.000 That's a great idea for a movie and everyone just starts fucking zombies and then you have to fuck the little ones too. 1.00

00:55:03.000 Sometimes they bite you while you're doing it. 1.00

00:55:04.000 Fuck, now I've got to turn. 1.00

00:55:05.000 It would be called Rape the Undead. 1.00

00:55:10.000 Rape the Undead? 0.94

00:55:11.000 Yeah, all through the movie would be Death Metal. 0.99

00:55:15.000 Just guys kicking doors down, holding zombies down, white pale asses bobbing up and down, male and female zombies. 1.00

00:55:24.000 Just an interracial, intergender orgy of fucking dead people. 1.00

00:55:29.000 As they get healthy again, they have to start fucking whatever zombies are left. 1.00

00:55:32.000 Go back to the compound, dude's got a fucking oil drum filled with Viagra. 1.00

00:55:36.000 I gotta fight the fight! 1.00

00:55:39.000 For the future. 1.00

00:55:41.000 Imagine it's like between fucking and biting. 1.00

00:55:44.000 Like it's a race. 1.00

00:55:45.000 Between the fuckers and the biters. 1.00

00:55:46.000 Because the biters would fuck you back a little bit. 1.00

00:55:48.000 They'd bite you back and the fuckers would fuck. 1.00

00:55:50.000 It'd be like the game of Othello. 1.00

00:55:55.000 It totally would be. 1.00

00:55:57.000 Could you imagine if the only way that you could get them to come back is to fuck them? 1.00

00:56:01.000 You'd have to fuck everybody. 1.00

00:56:03.000 You'd even have to fuck your enemies. 1.00

00:56:05.000 Because you wouldn't want them being zombies and eating your family. 1.00

00:56:08.000 You have to fuck them. 1.00

00:56:09.000 Come up with a boner to fuck your landlord. 1.00

00:56:13.000 That annoying lady who lives down the block. 1.00

00:56:15.000 The fucking yappy poodle. 1.00

00:56:16.000 That bitch turned into a zombie. 1.00

00:56:17.000 You gotta fuck her. 1.00

00:56:18.000 One zombie's making it really hard for you. 1.00

00:56:20.000 Like, I got this one. 1.00

00:56:23.000 Everybody would be rushing to yoga mat places to try to fuck all the yoga zombies. 1.00

00:56:30.000 Oh yeah, whoever got locked in the yoga, whatever happened there. 0.99

00:56:34.000 If you could get to a yoga mat, most likely you're going to have some hot chicks in there. 1.00

00:56:39.000 These in-shaped zombies.

00:56:40.000 And that might kind of be a freak thing.

00:56:43.000 Or the farts have stayed in there for too long.

00:56:45.000 What if the zombie just completely gave in to you? 1.00

00:56:47.000 What if the zombie started backing up on your dick? 1.00

00:56:49.000 It was a female yoga zombie. 1.00

00:56:52.000 She started backing up on your dick. 1.00

00:56:53.000 She was really into it. 1.00

00:56:55.000 You're like, holy shit. 0.99

00:56:56.000 But she still reaches back, claws at you, so you've got to hold her wrists. 0.99

00:56:59.000 But she's backing into you. 0.92

00:57:01.000 Yeah, would you go to yoga first?

00:57:03.000 Yes, that's the first place I'd go.

00:57:05.000 If I was on a mission to save the world, I'd go Korean barbecue. 1.00

00:57:08.000 Korean barbecue. 1.00

00:57:10.000 Yeah, but you see, it's a race between if you could fuck them before they can bite you or their friends bite you. 1.00

00:57:19.000 So you can't go into places like a fucking Korean barbecue solo. 1.00

00:57:23.000 Plus, if they bite you, they might eat you. 0.99

00:57:25.000 If you don't come back at all.

00:57:26.000 They might eat you.

00:57:27.000 That's a good point. 1.00

00:57:27.000 They might kill you. 1.00

00:57:28.000 You only turn into one of them if they bite you a little. 0.93

00:57:31.000 If they bite you a little, yeah.

00:57:32.000 Get a little blood on you.

00:57:33.000 I come fast, so I won't be worried.

00:57:35.000 How fast?

00:57:35.000 Because I'd be making an army real quick.

00:57:38.000 I think you need to fill them up.

00:57:40.000 I think every time you come inside of them, they get a little less zombie.

00:57:43.000 Oh.

00:57:44.000 Jesus.

00:57:45.000 More human.

00:57:47.000 You've got to hold them down for weeks.

00:57:49.000 Chain them up in your basement. 1.00

00:57:50.000 Just bang them. 1.00

00:57:52.000 But then the problem would be you'd both get addicted to having sex in that way. 1.00

00:57:55.000 Once you become a normal person... 0.86

00:57:56.000 Yeah, how long till you get hard every time you hear...

00:57:58.000 You would start just...

00:58:00.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:58:02.000 Maybe you just automatically hear that.

00:58:04.000 You hold a chick's hands behind her back. 1.00

00:58:05.000 She's like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:58:06.000 I don't like this, Ari. 1.00

00:58:08.000 Cut this shit. 1.00

00:58:09.000 Sorry. 1.00

00:58:10.000 I thought we were playing rape zombie. 0.82

00:58:15.000 What would be gross is they would all come back to life, but half of them would be missing chunks of their neck.

00:58:19.000 They heal up!

00:58:22.000 So they heal up!

00:58:24.000 Everything's fine.

00:58:25.000 So she's got no lips. 1.00

00:58:27.000 She's a sweet girl.

00:58:28.000 She draws pictures of the things she wants.

00:58:33.000 I like walking down.

00:58:34.000 If you hold them to that hand too much, it just evaporates.

00:58:36.000 Their hand breaks off in your hand.

00:58:38.000 But now they're a regular person.

00:58:39.000 They start crying and looking at their stubs.

00:58:42.000 Why is it that's a thing that people are constantly worried about?

00:58:45.000 They're constantly worried about the zombie apocalypse.

00:58:47.000 That's like a reoccurring theme in movies. 1.00

00:58:50.000 Fucking Bible. 1.00

00:58:51.000 Is that what it is? 1.00

00:58:52.000 No, I don't know.

00:58:53.000 There's no such thing as zombies in the Bible.

00:58:54.000 But do you think it's because people worry that...

00:58:57.000 It's so loosely put together.

00:58:59.000 Society is so loosely put together.

00:59:01.000 They could easily become that. 1.00

00:59:01.000 They could easily just fuck up. 1.00

00:59:02.000 Something can go wrong. 0.99

00:59:03.000 What would make it go wrong? 1.00

00:59:04.000 Some fucking disease that gives us rabies or something. 1.00

00:59:08.000 You think of things like that? 1.00

00:59:09.000 Like, oh, don't go near that squirrel.

00:59:10.000 He's got rabies. 1.00

00:59:11.000 When 12 Monkeys came out, I was like, that shit's real, man. 1.00

00:59:13.000 That shit's real. 1.00

00:59:14.000 They have toxins that can get with everybody. 1.00

00:59:17.000 That was a terrifying movie.

00:59:19.000 There's a lot of those movies.

00:59:20.000 How many of those apocalyptic movies are there?

00:59:23.000 Tons. 0.98

00:59:24.000 Fuckload of them, man. 0.99

00:59:25.000 28 days later, 28 weeks. 0.99

00:59:27.000 What was the rage one?

00:59:28.000 That was 28 days later.

00:59:29.000 Yes.

00:59:30.000 There was something that they, a chimp disease, right? 1.00

00:59:33.000 They manufactured it and then it got into people.

00:59:36.000 It got out. 0.99

00:59:36.000 Goddamn, that was a good zombie movie. 0.99

00:59:37.000 They were fast as fuck. 1.00

00:59:39.000 Like, oh wow, it's way worse if they're really fast. 1.00

00:59:42.000 Way better. 0.99

00:59:43.000 I don't know how the fuck they went back to slow zombies after that. 1.00

00:59:45.000 28 days later would be 10 times more epic if those motherfuckers were fast. 1.00

00:59:50.000 Like that rage. 1.00

00:59:51.000 Could you imagine? 1.00

00:59:52.000 If those motherfuckers were fast, that movie would be, that show would be so different. 1.00

00:59:56.000 They're all adrenaline, just running after you as fast as possible. 1.00

00:59:58.000 I don't know if you could do it.

00:59:59.000 I mean, maybe one of the elements in being able to construct these stories that take place over long periods of time is that the zombies can't be the biggest threat.

01:00:08.000 Because if they're not the biggest threat, then people sort of become the biggest threat.

01:00:11.000 Right.

01:00:12.000 Because that show is a show about, the zombies are sort of periphery at this point.

01:00:16.000 Like, what the show's really all about is people, like, turning on people.

01:00:20.000 What, what, what?

01:00:20.000 Walking Dead?

01:00:21.000 Yeah.

01:00:21.000 Oh, right, right, right.

01:00:22.000 That's what it's all about.

01:00:23.000 Yeah, zombies are like, yeah, it's just like a speed bump.

01:00:25.000 This should be nothing.

01:00:26.000 It should be nothing.

01:00:27.000 I used to go crazy when I watched that show and they were all at the prison and they were all outside. 0.98

01:00:32.000 I'm like, why aren't you killing them? 0.69

01:00:34.000 And then one day it became a problem. 0.99

01:00:36.000 They're right there.

01:00:37.000 They're pressed up against the cage.

01:00:39.000 Occasionally you'd see them kill them, but there were days on end where they're out there planting tomatoes.

01:00:43.000 I thought about that.

01:00:43.000 Because they're right outside the fence, you mean?

01:00:46.000 Yeah.

01:00:46.000 There's millions of them.

01:00:48.000 Just fucking kill them every day. 1.00

01:00:49.000 That's what you do today, dude. 1.00

01:00:50.000 That's what you do today. 0.98

01:00:52.000 Just catch them on fire. 0.95

01:00:53.000 You know, just pour hot lava on them. 0.93

01:00:55.000 That's too hard. 0.93

01:00:56.000 Why would you do that when you're just stabbing the head? 0.97

01:00:58.000 You're stabbing the head. 0.69

01:00:58.000 It takes five seconds. 0.69

01:00:59.000 That's your workout for today.

01:01:01.000 Yeah, that's your workout.

01:01:01.000 Well, if there were so many, you could just mow them all down in big portions of gas and stuff.

01:01:05.000 See, that's what you're thinking.

01:01:06.000 You're taking the lazy way out. 1.00

01:01:07.000 You don't want a goddamn exercise. 1.00

01:01:09.000 I'm thinking like one of those minors axes. 1.00

01:01:11.000 One of those pickaxes. 0.96

01:01:12.000 And you're just doing like kettlebell exercises.

01:01:15.000 Just smashing... 0.61

01:01:16.000 These zombie things in the head, yeah.

01:01:19.000 In a switch, you've got to do a lot of lefties because you don't want to imbalance your back.

01:01:22.000 Do you think you could do that, even if it was a zombie?

01:01:24.000 Because I think I'd be like, eee!

01:01:25.000 What are you talking about?

01:01:26.000 I could do that right now.

01:01:28.000 If it was a crew of zombies, I wouldn't need any preparation.

01:01:31.000 There are zombies up against a fence. 0.99

01:01:33.000 It wouldn't even take me five seconds to stab the first zombie in the head. 0.99

01:01:36.000 If you gave me a nice big sword type thing, and there were zombies, and I had to stab them, I would immediately start stabbing zombies. 0.99

01:01:42.000 Yeah, but you would see the human elements of them. 0.96

01:01:45.000 Like a little necklace.

01:01:46.000 You're like, oh, that necklace.

01:01:48.000 Nope, right in the brain.

01:01:49.000 Nope.

01:01:50.000 That's not a little kid. 0.91

01:01:51.000 That's a monster. 1.00

01:01:53.000 Off with his head. 0.99

01:01:54.000 Yeah.

01:01:55.000 They always have that when somebody sees their kid.

01:01:57.000 No problem.

01:01:57.000 Yeah, whatever.

01:01:58.000 Not me. 0.80

01:02:00.000 Stabby, stabby.

01:02:00.000 I know how to get over things.

01:02:02.000 That's stabbing through the face.

01:02:04.000 I don't help you get over it. 1.00

01:02:06.000 I'm so fucked up. 1.00

01:02:07.000 That was the most fucked up part of that show where guys had to kill their wives and shit and kill their family members and kill their daughters. 1.00

01:02:13.000 That's tough. 1.00

01:02:13.000 The one guy that kept his daughter locked up and thought she was sick. 1.00

01:02:16.000 He kept talking to her all the time.

01:02:18.000 That's dark.

01:02:19.000 That is dark, dark, dark.

01:02:21.000 It would be that example of it.

01:02:22.000 It would be that example.

01:02:24.000 That very specific scenario would definitely take place with a lot of people.

01:02:28.000 It would be too hard for them to take...

01:02:31.000 And also they would also hope that one day there'd be a cure.

01:02:34.000 Yeah, so we could save them.

01:02:36.000 But they're carrying this threat around all the time.

01:02:38.000 I wonder if you could have the same show with that 28 Days Later style.

01:02:42.000 No.

01:02:44.000 Oh, just people surviving like that?

01:02:45.000 The zombies much faster.

01:02:46.000 So much faster.

01:02:47.000 But would the stories be the same?

01:02:49.000 Because it seems like the zombies would be a way bigger threat.

01:02:52.000 Yeah, they're on you at any time, and then it's over.

01:02:55.000 Yeah, they were a way bigger threat.

01:02:57.000 So you couldn't have as many relationships with people that go bad.

01:03:01.000 You wouldn't really get to that.

01:03:02.000 You'd just be scrambling for survival.

01:03:05.000 And these things would be... 0.99

01:03:06.000 I'm fucking chasing after you full clip with crazy bloodshot eyes. 0.99

01:03:11.000 You remember that? 0.99

01:03:12.000 I was 28 weeks later...

01:03:13.000 It was pretty good, too.

01:03:14.000 Yeah, it was pretty good. 0.92

01:03:15.000 It wasn't as good, but it's pretty goddamn good. 0.93

01:03:17.000 Pretty goddamn good. 0.89

01:03:18.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:03:18.000 That's a realistic monster scenario, not like Godzilla. 0.97

01:03:22.000 Oh, there's something that's on the ocean.

01:03:24.000 It's been there the whole time waiting. 0.99

01:03:25.000 Oh, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:03:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:27.000 We tried to kill it during World War II. They were trying to kill it.

01:03:30.000 That's with the nuclear bomb.

01:03:31.000 They weren't tests.

01:03:32.000 They were trying to kill something. 1.00

01:03:33.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:03:34.000 It was so badly acted. 1.00

01:03:36.000 I've seen the tests, you dummy. 0.92

01:03:37.000 You can watch the animated GIF online.

01:03:39.000 Those tests that they did in the South Pacific, they weren't shooting Godzilla.

01:03:43.000 You can't rewrite history.

01:03:44.000 Shitbox movie.

01:03:45.000 They did that in the X-Men too.

01:03:47.000 What?

01:03:47.000 They said that Kennedy was a mutant.

01:03:50.000 Bitch! 1.00

01:03:50.000 Stop. 1.00

01:03:51.000 How do you think one man got shot three times by one bullet?

01:03:54.000 He was trying to curve the bullet away. 1.00

01:03:56.000 Bitch! 1.00

01:03:57.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:03:58.000 Stop.

01:03:58.000 You guys, I can't believe you left that in the script.

01:04:02.000 That's one of the...

01:04:03.000 Someone should have been in the room. 0.97

01:04:04.000 You need to take it to a board of people who will watch this and tell you what's ridiculous. 0.91

01:04:08.000 Yeah, just normal people. 0.97

01:04:09.000 We're all sitting around smoking a joint.

01:04:11.000 Why would he do that?

01:04:12.000 Why would he do that?

01:04:12.000 We should offer that as a service.

01:04:15.000 The Death Squad movie reviews.

01:04:17.000 We'll sit down, watch a movie together, and then give them feedback. 1.00

01:04:20.000 Why the fuck will we listen to you, assholes? 1.00

01:04:24.000 We'll give you honest feedback. 1.00

01:04:26.000 We'll cuss in our feedback, probably. 1.00

01:04:29.000 We'll be like, that was fucking stupid. 1.00

01:04:31.000 That guy would never do that. 1.00

01:04:33.000 You know what they would need?

01:04:34.000 They would need something where you would agree to not talk about it.

01:04:37.000 If it was really bad.

01:04:39.000 They would need that.

01:04:40.000 That's how you know a movie's going to suck when there's no critic reviews because they don't put it before the critics.

01:04:44.000 They're like, you guys are going to pan it and they'll know it.

01:04:47.000 When you see no ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, avoid that movie.

01:04:50.000 The day before. 1.00

01:04:51.000 They know it's a piece of shit. 1.00

01:04:52.000 Not even those people are deluded enough to think people will like this. 1.00

01:04:55.000 There's also weird movies that they don't release for years.

01:04:59.000 They sit on the shelf and they're like, do you remember Antonio Banderas, The 13th Warrior?

01:05:05.000 Do you remember that?

01:05:06.000 Mm-mm.

01:05:07.000 It was originally called, like, The Eater of the Dead.

01:05:09.000 It was a, um... 0.98

01:05:11.000 God, who was the fuckin'... 0.97

01:05:12.000 What happened to Antonio Banderas? 0.99

01:05:14.000 He's just chillin', man.

01:05:15.000 He got a lot of money.

01:05:16.000 Just enjoying himself in cartoons? 1.00

01:05:17.000 Eating pineapples and drinking margaritas and shit. 1.00

01:05:20.000 Eaters of the Dead. 1.00

01:05:22.000 The 13th Warrior.

01:05:24.000 6.6.

01:05:26.000 Yeah, it was one of those movies that took a long time to come out.

01:05:31.000 It was a Michael Crichton book.

01:05:33.000 Oh, wow.

01:05:34.000 Yeah.

01:05:36.000 God, I think I read it.

01:05:38.000 Either I read it or I started to read it.

01:05:40.000 I think I started to read it, but I never actually read it.

01:05:42.000 But it's from a long time ago.

01:05:44.000 The book is from 1976. Really?

01:05:46.000 Yeah, the book is, like, way more involved, though, and much more, like...

01:05:50.000 Oh, you think?

01:05:50.000 Much creepier.

01:05:52.000 Books always get it better.

01:05:54.000 Well, they do better than this Antonio Banderas movie.

01:05:58.000 It was way over budget, apparently.

01:06:00.000 Oh, yeah?

01:06:01.000 Yeah.

01:06:02.000 How do you go over budget?

01:06:03.000 They'd only made $62 million.

01:06:05.000 This is how much money they lost.

01:06:07.000 It made $62 million, but the budget was more than $100 million.

01:06:11.000 Wow.

01:06:12.000 Oh, Chihuahua. 1.00

01:06:13.000 You know what looks stupid is that I Frankenstein movie. 1.00

01:06:16.000 Oh my god, who said you could make that? 1.00

01:06:19.000 Who said you could make that?

01:06:20.000 Who said you could make that?

01:06:22.000 Could you imagine if you sit down with the guys who wanted to make that and go, wait a minute, wait a minute, what?

01:06:25.000 You're having a sexy Frankenstein? 0.99

01:06:26.000 Did you just tell me you're having a sexy Frankenstein?

01:06:29.000 Joe, I could have sworn tomatoes.

01:06:31.000 I could have sworn I walked in this office and you told me you wanted me to invest movie in a sexy Frankenstein.

01:06:37.000 I did not say that.

01:06:39.000 Listen, listen, listen, listen.

01:06:40.000 This is what we got. 1.00

01:06:41.000 We got fucking vampires, okay? 1.00

01:06:43.000 The vampires are sexy. 1.00

01:06:44.000 Women are going for that. 1.00

01:06:45.000 They are going to go.

01:06:46.000 What's the difference between a vampire and Frankenstein?

01:06:48.000 Frankenstein is actually alive now.

01:06:50.000 They were both dead, okay?

01:06:51.000 Frankenstein is alive.

01:06:52.000 So, a sexy Frankenstein.

01:06:54.000 And who can pull it off?

01:06:55.000 I'll tell you.

01:06:56.000 What's his name?

01:06:56.000 Aaron Eckhart?

01:06:57.000 Yeah.

01:06:58.000 What's it?

01:06:58.000 Aaron Eckhart?

01:06:59.000 Aaron Eckhart.

01:06:59.000 That's who can pull it off.

01:07:01.000 That is our sexy Frankenstein. 0.98

01:07:02.000 This is what we've been missing, Ari. 1.00

01:07:04.000 This is our fucking Twilight. 0.99

01:07:06.000 So wait, he's not going to be a big zombie anymore? 1.00

01:07:09.000 He's not going to be a big wolf?

01:07:10.000 No, no, no.

01:07:10.000 He's beautiful.

01:07:11.000 He's delicious.

01:07:11.000 He talks well.

01:07:12.000 He looks like a guy who's been in a rough street fight.

01:07:15.000 Maybe that should be a different monster.

01:07:17.000 It's clearly not Frankenstein.

01:07:18.000 Hey, easy.

01:07:19.000 Dracula wasn't even allowed to go in the sun, but the Edward guy just sparkled.

01:07:23.000 You can change the rules.

01:07:25.000 It's part of fiction.

01:07:26.000 Why was that?

01:07:27.000 Seattle's Overcast?

01:07:28.000 Is that how they got rid of that?

01:07:30.000 I don't know.

01:07:30.000 I think they said Seattle's overcast.

01:07:32.000 Don't put the vault.

01:07:33.000 Yeah, that's what it was.

01:07:33.000 That's why he went up there.

01:07:34.000 They went to Pacific Northwest.

01:07:35.000 That's why they moved up there.

01:07:37.000 The sun never comes out.

01:07:38.000 But when it does come out, they glisten.

01:07:40.000 Oh, really? 1.00

01:07:41.000 Yeah, they don't die like a real fucking vampire. 1.00

01:07:43.000 They change the rules. 1.00

01:07:44.000 Oh. 1.00

01:07:45.000 That's why it's bullshit. 1.00

01:07:47.000 That's why. 0.99

01:07:47.000 Can you pull up without us getting pulled off of YouTube? 0.99

01:07:50.000 I don't know if it's possible.

01:07:51.000 See if you can pull up a video of Frankenstein with no volume.

01:07:55.000 Don't put any volume on it.

01:07:56.000 And let's just mock how it looks.

01:07:58.000 It won't matter.

01:07:59.000 Jamie, they'll still pull it?

01:08:00.000 Alright. 1.00

01:08:01.000 Fuck it then. 1.00

01:08:02.000 Don't do it. 1.00

01:08:03.000 Look at it for yourself.

01:08:04.000 You know what we need to do?

01:08:04.000 We need to set it up on that thing so we can watch it without it being...

01:08:08.000 4kspecial.com TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:10.000 We'll do that from now on.

01:08:12.000 There's no copyright in China.

01:08:13.000 Is this new Frankenstein movie the same story? 0.97

01:08:16.000 Does he play a dumb guy, but he's sexy? 0.98

01:08:19.000 He's fighting these winged creatures. 1.00

01:08:20.000 Yeah, he's making shit up. 1.00

01:08:21.000 They're making shit up. 1.00

01:08:22.000 I thought he was like, oh, fire. 1.00

01:08:24.000 No.

01:08:25.000 He sparkles when he goes outside. 1.00

01:08:27.000 It's bullshit. 1.00

01:08:28.000 It's all bullshit. 1.00

01:08:29.000 I hate that spot. 1.00

01:08:31.000 And he's smoldering. 0.99

01:08:32.000 Meanwhile, how the fuck is that guy still in class? 0.99

01:08:36.000 Can you imagine you're a thousand years old, you keep going to class because you don't want to make anybody suspicious? 0.99

01:08:41.000 Oh, when did Columbus discover?

01:08:43.000 Oh yeah!

01:08:44.000 I was alive back then.

01:08:45.000 14, yeah, that's right.

01:08:47.000 He was actually like the Spanish flu that killed him, which was I think in the 1900s.

01:08:51.000 Killed who?

01:08:52.000 Edward.

01:08:53.000 Oh, really?

01:08:53.000 From Twilight.

01:08:54.000 And so he died.

01:08:55.000 He died?

01:08:55.000 Spanish flu.

01:08:56.000 Big Spanish flu. 0.87

01:08:57.000 And that killed the vampire?

01:08:58.000 The vampire.

01:08:59.000 He got vampired right around the same time.

01:09:01.000 That's how he stayed alive forever.

01:09:02.000 Oh, oh, oh.

01:09:03.000 Same time.

01:09:04.000 Back in the Spanish flu days. 0.99

01:09:06.000 Oh, okay.

01:09:07.000 So he's only been around for like 100 years or so.

01:09:09.000 He's old enough to know that he shouldn't be in high school anymore.

01:09:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:11.000 Fucking idiot. 1.00

01:09:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:13.000 Trying to pretend.

01:09:14.000 It's like the idea is that he died when he was in high school.

01:09:16.000 So we keep him in high school forever.

01:09:18.000 You can do better.

01:09:18.000 No, why?

01:09:19.000 How about you just grow a beard?

01:09:20.000 How about just say, oh, actually, I'm older than I look.

01:09:23.000 Yeah, just say I look young for my age.

01:09:25.000 Hey, don't...

01:09:26.000 That was something that I read today online where it was showing how many Asian women could be like almost 50 and they look like they're 20 years old. 1.00

01:09:35.000 Is that really true?

01:09:37.000 You just got back from China.

01:09:39.000 Oh, they look 50. Oh, they look younger, not 20. But they look super young.

01:09:43.000 50 looks like 30?

01:09:44.000 I'd say that.

01:09:45.000 Wow.

01:09:46.000 Yeah, they stay in shape.

01:09:47.000 Low-sugar diets.

01:09:49.000 Low-sugar diets and they stay in shape.

01:09:50.000 Yeah, they walk around a lot.

01:09:52.000 At least in the few cities I went to.

01:09:55.000 Hmm.

01:09:55.000 I know a couple girls that are like 45. And I mean, they look pretty sexy.

01:10:00.000 Yeah, Asian girls keep it for a while. 1.00

01:10:02.000 Yeah.

01:10:03.000 Why is that, you think?

01:10:04.000 I don't know.

01:10:05.000 I think it's just better genetics that way.

01:10:07.000 More alien DNA? Just that type of DNA. That's my theory.

01:10:11.000 No, it's just the type that stays young longer.

01:10:13.000 Jews have the kind that makes you smarter. 1.00

01:10:14.000 Okay. 0.98

01:10:15.000 Asians have the kind that makes you look... 1.00

01:10:16.000 How did... 0.98

01:10:17.000 Black don't crack.

01:10:18.000 Without... 0.99

01:10:19.000 At risk of sounding really racist.

01:10:21.000 Yeah.

01:10:22.000 Although I'm not.

01:10:23.000 Start recording now. 0.94

01:10:25.000 If you look at all the different races, and obviously there's some sort of biological explanation for this, but how the fuck did so many Asian people have such similar features? 0.99

01:10:37.000 How the fuck did so many African people have such similar features? 1.00

01:10:40.000 How did they start? 0.98

01:10:41.000 Yeah, I mean, it's amazing.

01:10:42.000 It's amazing when you look around at how many Chinese people have black hair and And similar skin tone.

01:10:48.000 How many black people have that hair and similar skin tone?

01:10:53.000 I mean, it's amazing.

01:10:55.000 Yeah, those whites have a variety.

01:10:57.000 Well, people who are of mixed race.

01:10:59.000 Like my family, a lot of it comes from Sicily.

01:11:03.000 And you remember that scene from True Romance?

01:11:06.000 You're an eggplant.

01:11:06.000 The Moors.

01:11:08.000 But I think the Moors were Sephardic people.

01:11:10.000 I'm not sure.

01:11:11.000 It's like Morocco. 0.94

01:11:12.000 It's like breeds of dogs.

01:11:13.000 All Shih Tzus look like Shih Tzus. 1.00

01:11:16.000 All white people look like mutts. 1.00

01:11:17.000 Right. 0.99

01:11:17.000 Now here's what's weird. 0.99

01:11:18.000 Because breeds of dogs were engineered.

01:11:21.000 That's why it's crazy.

01:11:22.000 Breeds of dogs originally were all wolves.

01:11:24.000 All dogs were at one point in time who knows how many thousands of years ago.

01:11:28.000 They have no idea when people started domesticating dogs.

01:11:31.000 But they assumed that it was right around the time civilization was invented.

01:11:34.000 Oh really?

01:11:35.000 And that's when breeds became a thing?

01:11:36.000 Yeah, it's like 10,000 years of breeding.

01:11:39.000 That's what you're looking at when you look at a shih tzu, when you look at a husky, when you look at a wolf.

01:11:43.000 It's the same animal.

01:11:44.000 Wow.

01:11:45.000 It started off the same animal.

01:11:48.000 Like, what?

01:11:48.000 Dog.

01:11:49.000 That's it.

01:11:50.000 They all come from wolves, which is the weirdest thing.

01:11:53.000 An English bulldog.

01:11:54.000 He domesticated a wolf who was like, let's get the two coolest wolves.

01:11:57.000 Well, they had an episode about it on the Cosmos.

01:11:59.000 It was really fascinating.

01:12:01.000 The Cosmos show?

01:12:02.000 Have you watched that?

01:12:03.000 No, I've heard it's great. 0.99

01:12:04.000 God damn, it's good. 0.99

01:12:05.000 It's so good. 1.00

01:12:05.000 And it pisses off religious people. 1.00

01:12:07.000 Oh my goodness.

01:12:08.000 They're like, well, we want the whatever theory explained, too.

01:12:13.000 Intelligent design.

01:12:14.000 Yeah, and he goes, why would I include that?

01:12:15.000 There's no scientific basis for it.

01:12:16.000 What are you talking about?

01:12:18.000 We're talking about science.

01:12:19.000 I love him.

01:12:20.000 Yeah, he's awesome. 0.99

01:12:21.000 He's awesome as fuck. 0.98

01:12:22.000 I'm not talking about that. 0.98

01:12:22.000 What happened was, apparently... 0.98

01:12:25.000 According to the cosmos, is that some wolves got friendlier with people because the people would feed them.

01:12:30.000 And then they kept coming around, the people would feed them, they developed a relationship, and then those wolves would chase off the other wolves.

01:12:34.000 And then they only bred with the wolves that were friendly.

01:12:38.000 Nice wolves.

01:12:39.000 Yeah, those wolves eventually became dogs over who knows how many thousands of years.

01:12:45.000 Selective breeding, bringing certain dogs, wolves that behaved in certain ways together.

01:12:50.000 I mean, I don't know how many generations it took to do it.

01:12:52.000 Yeah, me neither.

01:12:53.000 But yeah, that's what humans are.

01:12:54.000 That's what humans are.

01:12:56.000 That's what we're like. 0.95

01:12:57.000 Did you have to tell you my new theory about why black people are late? 1.00

01:13:00.000 Yeah! 0.97

01:13:01.000 So, you've heard about black people's time and how they're just late. 1.00

01:13:04.000 I have no idea what you're talking about.

01:13:05.000 That's a racial stereotype.

01:13:06.000 I've never even heard it.

01:13:07.000 If you haven't heard, now you heard.

01:13:09.000 I never say anything bad about black people.

01:13:11.000 It's like Don Barris says, there's only one race.

01:13:13.000 The human race.

01:13:14.000 Aw, you sweet.

01:13:15.000 Um...

01:13:17.000 Because when you were slaves, time didn't matter at all.

01:13:22.000 What about Jamaicans? 0.66

01:13:23.000 They're on time.

01:13:26.000 Jamaicans are slaves too, aren't they? 0.90

01:13:28.000 I think they were slaves.

01:13:29.000 Yeah.

01:13:30.000 It's a poor example.

01:13:31.000 Any black people over here? 0.71

01:13:31.000 What about Africans? 0.71

01:13:32.000 Actual Africans? 0.95

01:13:33.000 Yeah.

01:13:34.000 Hard-working people.

01:13:35.000 Some of the hardest working people you'll ever hire are African Africans. 0.97

01:13:38.000 Those are the drug dealers in Beijing and Hong Kong.

01:13:42.000 Are you ratting them out on the podcast?

01:13:44.000 Just like that? 0.99

01:13:45.000 Well, the black people. 0.98

01:13:46.000 You're ratting them out? 0.99

01:13:47.000 I guess so.

01:13:48.000 How dare you?

01:13:48.000 As a race.

01:13:49.000 Dude, you shouldn't do that because I bet the Chinese authorities had no idea.

01:13:52.000 They know.

01:13:55.000 I bet it was a complete mystery.

01:13:57.000 Cracked by Ari Shafir on the Joe Rogan podcast.

01:14:01.000 Yeah.

01:14:02.000 He explained.

01:14:03.000 Imagine if they got angry and they started going after you.

01:14:06.000 This is something that you would think about if you ate way too much pot.

01:14:09.000 Yeah.

01:14:10.000 If you ate way too much pot, you're like, why did I give up the fact that they were drug dealers? 1.00

01:14:14.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:14:15.000 I'm such an idiot. 1.00

01:14:17.000 Oh my God. 1.00

01:14:18.000 What was I thinking?

01:14:19.000 Oh my God.

01:14:20.000 I ratted out all the drug dealers. 0.96

01:14:23.000 You! 0.99

01:14:23.000 That guy from the podcast! 0.99

01:14:25.000 I saw your podcast!

01:14:27.000 You think it's for...

01:14:27.000 You want drugs from me?

01:14:30.000 Yes, I'd love some. 1.00

01:14:32.000 Imagine that shit, dude. 1.00

01:14:33.000 You'd be tripping. 1.00

01:14:33.000 Now you get none. 1.00

01:14:35.000 No, they would kill you. 1.00

01:14:37.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:14:37.000 Serve you. 0.99

01:14:38.000 That's worse than not selling you.

01:14:40.000 How many weeks were you over there?

01:14:42.000 Two and a half.

01:14:43.000 And you were in China.

01:14:45.000 You were in Singapore.

01:14:47.000 No.

01:14:47.000 No?

01:14:47.000 I'm just making shit up.

01:14:49.000 Vietnam. 0.99

01:14:49.000 Did you go to Africa? 0.99

01:14:50.000 Shanghai.

01:14:51.000 South America.

01:14:52.000 Shanghai and a few cities around there.

01:14:53.000 Beijing.

01:14:54.000 And then Hong Kong.

01:14:56.000 So what was the biggest city out of those?

01:14:58.000 Shanghai.

01:14:59.000 Shanghai's huge, right?

01:14:59.000 24 million.

01:15:00.000 Oh my god.

01:15:02.000 It's like a New York 24 million, right?

01:15:04.000 Yeah.

01:15:05.000 Manhattan has nine.

01:15:06.000 But I mean, like, New York's stuffed in there.

01:15:08.000 Oh, yeah, it's stuffed in.

01:15:09.000 It's like an enormous stuffed in there.

01:15:10.000 Stuffed in.

01:15:10.000 There's a few places with, like, one-story things, but not much.

01:15:13.000 Everything's just tall buildings.

01:15:14.000 Because LA's 20 million people, but the good news is they're flat out.

01:15:19.000 Yeah.

01:15:19.000 The flattened out, I think, alleviates a little bit of pressure.

01:15:22.000 Shanghai was completely flat.

01:15:23.000 So, but it's low, like, single-story?

01:15:26.000 Like, buildings, tall buildings and stuff?

01:15:27.000 Oh, all short buildings.

01:15:29.000 No, I'm saying actually the ground is flat.

01:15:31.000 So you can bike around real easily and walk around.

01:15:33.000 That's not what I meant.

01:15:33.000 I meant that they stack on top of each other.

01:15:36.000 Yeah, no, they have high rises there. 0.65

01:15:38.000 See, that's the difference between New York and LA. New York doesn't really have those.

01:15:41.000 Yeah, completely safe.

01:15:42.000 Or excuse me, LA doesn't really have those.

01:15:43.000 100% safe.

01:15:44.000 No one's doing anything to anybody.

01:15:46.000 LA has those apartments on Wilshire. 0.96

01:15:49.000 A few.

01:15:49.000 It's like Century City.

01:15:50.000 Yeah.

01:15:51.000 They don't really have it.

01:15:52.000 Fairly big.

01:15:53.000 Like 16 floors.

01:15:55.000 Yeah.

01:15:55.000 Did they like Americans?

01:15:57.000 Or did you feel like they...

01:16:00.000 Didn't care that you were there.

01:16:02.000 Well, the shows I played to were for expats.

01:16:05.000 It was like 15-20% Americans.

01:16:07.000 So the rest of it was Chinese? 0.80

01:16:09.000 No, the rest was English, Australians. 0.99

01:16:11.000 Wow.

01:16:13.000 And they're cool.

01:16:14.000 I mean, they're a little bit conservative because they don't have any plumbers that are over there.

01:16:17.000 They have people that work for the embassy or people that work for banks.

01:16:22.000 So the people are a little more conservative and smarter.

01:16:24.000 But they're adventurous people.

01:16:26.000 People that go work in Shanghai or in Hong Kong instead of where they're from.

01:16:31.000 You guys are the cool people that want to do stuff.

01:16:33.000 That's a good way of looking at it.

01:16:35.000 I mean, it was.

01:16:36.000 They were all cool.

01:16:37.000 Or running from the law in other countries.

01:16:40.000 But those are often the good people as well.

01:16:43.000 Yeah.

01:16:44.000 That's crazy.

01:16:45.000 So who set this up?

01:16:46.000 Well, you don't have to tell me the person's name, but so you had your agent set this up?

01:16:49.000 Yeah, I think Rhodes talked to my agent at an airport, and he tells him he goes on those things, and he got me and Schubert.

01:16:54.000 Schubert went, too, a different time.

01:16:56.000 Wow.

01:16:57.000 Yeah, so it was just these scenes.

01:16:58.000 They start their own scene, and then they'll bring out a guy to do their four rooms, and then they'll team up with another guy in another scene.

01:17:05.000 Wow, and these guys fly from America.

01:17:08.000 No.

01:17:08.000 There is, and this is the coolest part.

01:17:10.000 There are brand new comedy scenes starting from scratch.

01:17:14.000 In China?

01:17:15.000 In China.

01:17:16.000 Whoa.

01:17:16.000 Both in Chinese now and English speaking.

01:17:20.000 Whoa.

01:17:21.000 And the people that are already there, they're working for banks, they're working as teachers, and then they see a show and somebody goes, hey, guess what everybody, there's going to be an open mic next Thursday because they found some bar that will allow it.

01:17:31.000 Wow.

01:17:32.000 And then somebody tries, so these people there are like, Longest is like three years.

01:17:36.000 That's amazing.

01:17:37.000 Yeah, it's all starting from scratch.

01:17:38.000 There's no rules.

01:17:39.000 There's no like, this is the way it is.

01:17:41.000 You have to wait until these guys move on.

01:17:43.000 There's nowhere to learn from either other than YouTube.

01:17:46.000 That's so cool.

01:17:47.000 That's great.

01:17:47.000 Yeah.

01:17:48.000 That's amazing.

01:17:48.000 From scratch.

01:17:49.000 It was really exciting.

01:17:50.000 What if they take over?

01:17:51.000 Imagine if China takes over and becomes the number one comedy community in the world. 0.76

01:17:56.000 That'd be hilarious.

01:17:56.000 But China has this style of comedy that's like this thousand-year-old Abbott and Costello with cadence changes.

01:18:03.000 Yeah.

01:18:04.000 So the new guys that speak both are trying to do regular style comedy?

01:18:09.000 Right.

01:18:09.000 And people are like, wait, I don't understand.

01:18:10.000 What are you doing?

01:18:11.000 Oh, so it's a cadence issue.

01:18:13.000 Yeah, it's way different than they're used to.

01:18:15.000 I saw a guy, there's a video about a guy from Canada who moved to China and became a comedian.

01:18:22.000 He was a comedian in America, but he learned Chinese.

01:18:25.000 Really?

01:18:26.000 Yeah, learned Chinese, speaks, you know, which one, Mandarin, I don't know which one.

01:18:29.000 Yeah, those people have done that.

01:18:31.000 Des Bishop did it for the last year, took a bunch of Mandarin classes.

01:18:34.000 Really?

01:18:35.000 Who's this Des Bishop?

01:18:36.000 He's big in Ireland, but he's from New York originally.

01:18:39.000 Wow.

01:18:40.000 Wow.

01:18:41.000 I think he did a show.

01:18:43.000 That's a ballsy move.

01:18:44.000 It's a ballsy move.

01:18:45.000 He lived in Beijing for a year.

01:18:47.000 Now he's in his second year. 0.99

01:18:48.000 Can you imagine going from not speaking Chinese to speaking Chinese for a fucking living in front of Chinese people? 0.99

01:18:54.000 It's such a foreign language. 0.98

01:18:56.000 Making fun of the alphabet and why certain symbols look like certain things.

01:19:02.000 Yeah.

01:19:03.000 And how difficult is it to learn how to talk in that language?

01:19:08.000 He said you can't translate your bits.

01:19:10.000 You've got to write new bits for it.

01:19:11.000 Because the references are so off that it just won't.

01:19:14.000 Wow.

01:19:15.000 And it was.

01:19:16.000 A lot of it, something really big in Chinese culture is losing face.

01:19:21.000 Like, way bigger than you would think.

01:19:23.000 Being embarrassed, you mean?

01:19:24.000 Yeah.

01:19:24.000 But, like, losing faces, like, say, I'm trying to pay for a meal, and you're like, no, I got it.

01:19:28.000 I'm like, no, no, I got it.

01:19:29.000 You're like, no, no, I can pay.

01:19:30.000 I'm like, I'd be like, hey, man, you gotta let me do this here.

01:19:33.000 Right.

01:19:33.000 I put my card out.

01:19:34.000 Like, you gotta let me do this.

01:19:35.000 You can't embarrass me in front of these people.

01:19:37.000 Oh, I see.

01:19:38.000 It's more than just, like, slight embarrassment.

01:19:40.000 That's another reason why there's less crime, is because people are like, what am I getting caught? 0.99

01:19:43.000 Fucking shoplifting? 0.99

01:19:45.000 Oh, that's cool. 1.00

01:19:45.000 You know how embarrassed I'll be? 1.00

01:19:48.000 So they go out of the way to not be that person.

01:19:50.000 So is there statistically less crime than America?

01:19:53.000 It's so safe.

01:19:53.000 Shanghai.

01:19:55.000 They say women can walk 3.30 in the morning drunk and no one's touching them. 0.97

01:19:58.000 Wow.

01:19:59.000 The only violence is acts of rebellion against this country.

01:20:02.000 Whoa.

01:20:03.000 Against that country, I mean. 0.99

01:20:04.000 Yeah, where people take out machetes and fucking hack up a Mahjong game. 0.99

01:20:07.000 Ooh. 0.97

01:20:08.000 Which they show on the subways, by the way.

01:20:10.000 They show Mahjong games on the subways?

01:20:12.000 No. 1.00

01:20:12.000 They show Mahjong games getting hacked by these fucking Uyghurs. 1.00

01:20:15.000 What do you mean? 1.00

01:20:16.000 In South China.

01:20:18.000 These Uyghurs are rebelling. 1.00

01:20:20.000 They're the 7% minority, ethnically.

01:20:22.000 What are they?

01:20:23.000 What's a Uyghur? 1.00

01:20:24.000 I don't know.

01:20:25.000 It's a different ethnic group.

01:20:26.000 I'm not fully sure.

01:20:27.000 I think W-I-E-G-E-R? But it might be W-E-G-E-R. You can put ethnic W-E and it'll probably come up. 0.89

01:20:37.000 Comes up a gun.

01:20:38.000 Yeah, they look a little different.

01:20:39.000 They have different food.

01:20:40.000 And they're 7%.

01:20:42.000 And in some cities, like 1%.

01:20:44.000 But they don't, I don't know, they don't like, they want to break off or something.

01:20:47.000 So they're the ones who got the big stabbings that were going on.

01:20:51.000 And there were these videos of this mahjong playing game going on.

01:20:53.000 And this guy just lifts up his shirt, pulls out an axe, a little hand axe, and just starts axing this guy.

01:20:59.000 And then the other guy, who's also watching, he's like, oh, it's on? 0.98

01:21:02.000 And he just picks up his shirt and starts fucking axing these people. 0.95

01:21:06.000 Yeah, and then everyone, like, this mayhem, somebody, like, is what, they try to tackle him. 0.99

01:21:11.000 He comes back, tries to ax this girl a few more times. 0.97

01:21:13.000 Then they chase him down.

01:21:16.000 Uyghur. 1.00

01:21:17.000 The way it's spelled.

01:21:18.000 It's a very unusual spelling.

01:21:19.000 It's spelled U-Y-G-H-U-R. Wow.

01:21:23.000 I would not have guessed that.

01:21:25.000 Say that again. 0.71

01:21:26.000 U-Y-G-H-U-R. Wow. 1.00

01:21:31.000 It's also spelled in another instance U-I-G-H-U-R. So U-Y or U-I. And they're Chinese Muslims. 1.00

01:21:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:41.000 They're always starting to trouble, the Muslims. 1.00

01:21:43.000 Always with the violence. 1.00

01:21:44.000 Damn. 0.99

01:21:45.000 Yeah, but they show this on the subway and it's with the kids there. 0.99

01:21:48.000 It's like, Jesus, they really...

01:21:49.000 I mean, they blur it right as the hacking goes on.

01:21:52.000 Oh, God.

01:21:52.000 It goes into the head and stuff.

01:21:53.000 Oh, my God.

01:21:54.000 So you can see that when you're on the train?

01:21:57.000 Yeah, they show everybody.

01:21:58.000 Now they have complete control over the media, of all the media.

01:22:00.000 So the government has complete control.

01:22:02.000 Yeah, and it's not hidden.

01:22:03.000 What does that feel like?

01:22:04.000 What does that feel like?

01:22:05.000 Well, they kind of don't know that they're getting the real story.

01:22:08.000 So they say it's the Uyghurs, but you know how there's rumors like, I don't know what Al-Qaeda is and what the other one is?

01:22:14.000 It's like they say that, but who knows what that really is?

01:22:17.000 Right.

01:22:17.000 What's the other group?

01:22:18.000 Al-Qaeda and...

01:22:19.000 Taliban.

01:22:19.000 Yeah, and like...

01:22:20.000 But there, they just like, we really don't know.

01:22:23.000 Hmm.

01:22:26.000 But, you know, it's different than here, and it's the same as here.

01:22:28.000 It's like they were going to put chips in all the computers so that you couldn't go on sites that China didn't allow.

01:22:33.000 You can't go to Google, but you can go on a VPN and just go through a different server and get all the stuff.

01:22:39.000 You know, Google's very concerned about China.

01:22:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:22:42.000 They're concerned also. 1.00

01:22:43.000 Other companies are concerned about China because China will just copy shit. 1.00

01:22:46.000 Oh, absolutely. 1.00

01:22:47.000 Like, they have fake Apple stores that are just totally fake.

01:22:49.000 Fake Apple stores?

01:22:50.000 My friend, Turner Sparks, who's helping running the scene in Shanghai, So he's bringing Mr. Softy to China.

01:22:56.000 He got like a licensing agreement.

01:22:58.000 The ice cream?

01:22:59.000 Yeah.

01:22:59.000 He's bringing these Mr. Softy trucks out there.

01:23:01.000 And they're starting to do good.

01:23:03.000 And then someone else will just paint up another van exactly like Mr. Softy.

01:23:07.000 The same exact colors.

01:23:08.000 Serve the same things.

01:23:10.000 And just park it right in front of his Mr. Softy van.

01:23:13.000 Wow.

01:23:13.000 It just looks like he put two vans there together at the same time.

01:23:15.000 Wow.

01:23:16.000 And the government doesn't do anything.

01:23:17.000 It's like, what did they do?

01:23:18.000 You had a good idea?

01:23:18.000 Now they're doing it.

01:23:20.000 That's amazing.

01:23:21.000 Yeah.

01:23:23.000 That's amazing.

01:23:23.000 Yeah.

01:23:24.000 It's hard.

01:23:25.000 You don't even think in terms of copyright laws.

01:23:27.000 Yeah, they don't think in terms of litigation either, right?

01:23:29.000 It's just a totally different kind of culture as far as our constant suing of each other back and forth.

01:23:34.000 I don't know about that.

01:23:35.000 I don't know.

01:23:35.000 I'm not sure.

01:23:36.000 Maybe.

01:23:37.000 Hmm.

01:23:37.000 I wonder.

01:23:39.000 It's interesting when you see that, though.

01:23:40.000 I mean, it's got to be really fascinating for you to come from our American culture and be immersed in their culture for three weeks.

01:23:46.000 I've never done that before.

01:23:47.000 It was cool.

01:23:48.000 I've been to Brazil for a few days, but a lot of Brazilians speak English.

01:23:52.000 After like seven, eight, nine days, though, it started to become normalized a little bit.

01:23:55.000 Really?

01:23:56.000 I could really observe stuff.

01:23:57.000 Plus, I got a little lonely, so I could make friends easier once you need to.

01:24:00.000 Right.

01:24:01.000 How long did you stay in the same place?

01:24:04.000 Shanghai was the first night and we went to like suburbs of Shanghai for a few days and then back to Shanghai for two days.

01:24:10.000 They have a proper club called Kung Fu Comedy which is like...

01:24:12.000 Listen, you proper.

01:24:13.000 Saying proper like an Englishman.

01:24:15.000 But I mean, yeah.

01:24:16.000 It's like it works out as a club.

01:24:17.000 There's one room that looks like the belly room and it's just like, oh, this is a cool place.

01:24:21.000 Wow.

01:24:22.000 Other places where bars where they try to set it up, you know.

01:24:25.000 That's cool, man.

01:24:26.000 But it's all these expats who need something English-speaking. 1.00

01:24:28.000 It's kind of like the USO tours, you'd ever hear about that, where they're always really thankful.

01:24:32.000 It's like that.

01:24:33.000 No hecklers.

01:24:34.000 They're just so happy that there's English-speaking comedy.

01:24:37.000 And how many of those people knew you from online?

01:24:40.000 Zero.

01:24:40.000 No, no, no, not zero.

01:24:42.000 Like, a couple.

01:24:43.000 So most people are just there because they're checking out new comics that come into town every week.

01:24:47.000 Yeah, and some guy's like, man, I'm a big fan of yours.

01:24:48.000 Like, oh, thanks.

01:24:49.000 He goes, yeah, I checked out those videos on the website that they showed.

01:24:52.000 I was like, oh, that means you saw who was playing, and then you watched the video.

01:24:55.000 You're not a big fan.

01:24:56.000 That's okay.

01:24:57.000 You became a big fan super recently.

01:24:59.000 Yeah.

01:24:59.000 It wasn't like excited.

01:25:01.000 There were some podcast listeners, a few here or there, that one show in Shanghai had like seven or eight.

01:25:08.000 Wow.

01:25:09.000 So Shanghai is just developing a reputation, like these scenes are developing a reputation for bringing funny people around, so folks just come out to see who the new guy is.

01:25:17.000 Yeah, and it's like once a month they can bring in an out-of-towner.

01:25:20.000 Wow.

01:25:20.000 And the scene starts, but you can only do the room like twice with any joke before they're like, yeah, we've all seen it, man.

01:25:25.000 Oh, wow.

01:25:26.000 Because you're drawing from a city of 50,000 tops.

01:25:28.000 Wow.

01:25:29.000 In a city of 24 million, there's 50,000 English speakers.

01:25:32.000 So do they write a lot there?

01:25:33.000 They have to.

01:25:34.000 But you know, the open mic days, that's how you did it anyway.

01:25:36.000 Yeah.

01:25:36.000 You'd write a lot.

01:25:37.000 Every week, you'd be like, oh, they're performing in front of the same guys.

01:25:39.000 Gotta come up with a new joke. 0.99

01:25:40.000 That's the worst when it's almost all comics in the room and just a couple audience members, but the comics have all seen your shit before. 0.99

01:25:47.000 You can't even do the tagline. 0.98

01:25:48.000 We're not going with you for seven minutes for your one new bit.

01:25:50.000 Yeah, your barely new tagline.

01:25:52.000 It's just a better version of an old tagline.

01:25:54.000 Yeah, you can't do it.

01:25:55.000 You see my new tagline?

01:25:56.000 It's not really, it's just better.

01:25:59.000 It's not that new.

01:26:01.000 I've seen your act a hundred times.

01:26:03.000 Just riffing up there.

01:26:04.000 That's the worst though when there's no one in the audience that's beaten down and tired and you know there's more comics in the audience than the audience is.

01:26:13.000 So Shanghai's just emerging.

01:26:16.000 And they have a city outside, like a 40 minute bullet train outside there called Suzhou that had this real small town feel.

01:26:23.000 10 million people.

01:26:24.000 Oh my god.

01:26:25.000 A small town feel?

01:26:26.000 Everything closed early.

01:26:28.000 That's insane.

01:26:29.000 10 million people and everything closed early.

01:26:30.000 So is it like Chicago sized?

01:26:33.000 10 million.

01:26:34.000 That's bigger than Manhattan.

01:26:35.000 Shanghai.

01:26:35.000 I mean Suzhou.

01:26:36.000 Suzhou.

01:26:37.000 When they say Manhattan, do they just mean only the island?

01:26:40.000 Yeah, we're not talking about the actual full city.

01:26:42.000 Do they ever actually say that, or do they say New York City?

01:26:44.000 The Triboroughs or something?

01:26:46.000 Is that?

01:26:46.000 I don't know.

01:26:47.000 Right.

01:26:47.000 I don't know what New York City means.

01:26:49.000 The Five Boroughs.

01:26:50.000 Yeah.

01:26:50.000 It's not Triborough.

01:26:51.000 It's Five Boroughs, right?

01:26:53.000 It's Long Island, Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, Manhattan.

01:26:58.000 There's a Triborough Bridge.

01:26:59.000 Is that it?

01:27:00.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:27:00.000 Is that how you say it?

01:27:02.000 I don't know what the fuck they want. 0.99

01:27:04.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:27:04.000 But I never know if they're just talking about only the island of Manhattan or the surrounding boroughs. 0.99

01:27:10.000 Oh, right.

01:27:10.000 Or Greater New York.

01:27:11.000 Like when someone says New York City, the Bronx is New York City.

01:27:14.000 Yeah.

01:27:14.000 Van Nuys is part of LA. Yeah.

01:27:16.000 Right?

01:27:17.000 Yeah.

01:27:17.000 It shouldn't have to be in like just there.

01:27:19.000 Yeah.

01:27:19.000 Sort of.

01:27:20.000 It's sort of the same kind of thing.

01:27:21.000 But if you picture just Manhattan, this is bigger than that.

01:27:24.000 Whoa.

01:27:24.000 That's also a lot of people.

01:27:26.000 I remember the first time I came to Manhattan.

01:27:27.000 I was driving from Boston.

01:27:29.000 I think I'd been there once before for a karate tournament, but I was like 16, and I didn't really remember it that much, and somebody else was driving.

01:27:38.000 It was like one of those experiences.

01:27:40.000 I was really young.

01:27:41.000 So I was there for comedy, and the first time I drove, I drove up the West Side Highway.

01:27:47.000 That was the first time I ever saw the skyline.

01:27:49.000 It was just pretty dramatic on the West Side Highway.

01:27:51.000 He looked like the Death Star.

01:27:52.000 I was like, this is the craziest thing I've ever...

01:27:54.000 I was so intimidated.

01:27:55.000 It's pretty big.

01:27:56.000 So intimidated.

01:27:57.000 It's pretty overwhelming.

01:27:58.000 I was like, I can't believe how big this city is.

01:28:00.000 It's insane.

01:28:02.000 When I got back after three weeks, I was like, oh yeah. 1.00

01:28:04.000 I was like, fuck. 1.00

01:28:06.000 It's immense. 1.00

01:28:07.000 All those buildings.

01:28:08.000 It's immense.

01:28:09.000 It's just insanity.

01:28:10.000 Did you feel that when you were in China?

01:28:12.000 Yeah.

01:28:13.000 Which places?

01:28:14.000 In Suzhou too.

01:28:15.000 They needed a financial district.

01:28:17.000 And so they had these rice paddies right across the field.

01:28:20.000 20 years ago, all rice paddies.

01:28:21.000 And they were like, let's make a financial district.

01:28:23.000 And now there's 50 skyscrapers.

01:28:25.000 Whoa.

01:28:26.000 They just do it.

01:28:26.000 They just filled them in?

01:28:27.000 They don't have to vote.

01:28:28.000 They don't have to do referendums.

01:28:29.000 They don't have to wait until it's an election year to show they're doing anything.

01:28:32.000 Did you go into any of those cities that were crazy polluted?

01:28:35.000 Shanghai.

01:28:35.000 How bad?

01:28:36.000 It's bad.

01:28:38.000 It's bad.

01:28:38.000 Now, I wasn't there one of the awful days where Des Bishop, the Irish guy in Beijing, is not as bad as Shanghai, but still real bad.

01:28:44.000 He says, I mean, everywhere wears masks.

01:28:47.000 Tons of people wear masks.

01:28:48.000 Not everyone.

01:28:49.000 40% of the people wear masks.

01:28:50.000 Whoa.

01:28:51.000 They see what they, everyone has an app on their phone for pollution.

01:28:54.000 And so I was in the unhealthy range pretty much while I was there.

01:28:57.000 But if it gets worse than that, he goes, you wake up in the morning and it felt like you smoked all night.

01:29:00.000 So the app recognizes the air or tells you what the forecast?

01:29:03.000 Tells you what the air quality is.

01:29:05.000 So then they won't bike to work if it's real bad.

01:29:07.000 They'll take a bus. 1.00

01:29:08.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:29:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:10.000 So you have these tissue papers they give you that everyone has at all times.

01:29:14.000 To wipe their hands down?

01:29:16.000 Yeah, because after SARS, everyone started wearing...

01:29:18.000 People are concerned with spreading it to others, too.

01:29:20.000 So there's no spitting allowed anymore.

01:29:23.000 Do you know that there's a spread of MERS that's going on now?

01:29:25.000 Oh yeah, they have signs up for that at every train station.

01:29:28.000 They're like, do not bring anything else in. 1.00

01:29:30.000 Don't bring your fucking chickens in. 1.00

01:29:32.000 Yep. 1.00

01:29:33.000 Livestock.

01:29:34.000 Yeah.

01:29:35.000 And people kiss their livestock sometimes.

01:29:38.000 Really?

01:29:39.000 Dudes kiss their camels. 0.97

01:29:40.000 Trying to get guys to stop kissing their camels.

01:29:43.000 Guys, people are dying. 1.00

01:29:44.000 Fuck your superstition. 1.00

01:29:45.000 Don't be kissing your camel anymore, okay? 1.00

01:29:47.000 And then riding on a train.

01:29:50.000 Superstitious. 0.99

01:29:51.000 I mean, how long does it take for some of the more ridiculous... 0.85

01:29:58.000 The original origins for it were pretty smart. 0.98

01:30:02.000 Pretty smart to not eat pigs if all these people are dying and getting sick.

01:30:06.000 How long does it take before those just totally go away?

01:30:09.000 How long before we have no superstitions?

01:30:11.000 A hundred years?

01:30:12.000 I don't know.

01:30:12.000 New ones will come in.

01:30:13.000 Do you think so?

01:30:14.000 Throwing the salt over the shoulder, when did that come?

01:30:16.000 That's not, not everybody does. 1.00

01:30:17.000 Some asshole. 1.00

01:30:18.000 That's some asshole. 1.00

01:30:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:21.000 When do you think that ends?

01:30:23.000 500 years from now?

01:30:24.000 Hopefully it'll be done by then.

01:30:25.000 God, hopefully.

01:30:27.000 It's got to happen, right?

01:30:28.000 It seems like we're moving that way.

01:30:30.000 But it's natural to feel, like every time, I would do that growing up, I'd be like, I just believed in sudden superstitions that I thought of.

01:30:36.000 Yeah, I did that too.

01:30:37.000 Yeah, we all did it.

01:30:38.000 It was like a thing.

01:30:39.000 Remember, do you ever do one of those things where if I step on this crack, my whole family might die?

01:30:44.000 Yeah.

01:30:44.000 My mom's back broke.

01:30:46.000 Yeah.

01:30:46.000 Or you try to avoid cracks for whatever reason, but then you really keep going.

01:30:50.000 It's like, why?

01:30:50.000 What are you doing?

01:30:51.000 Well, when you're confused about the nature of reality, you think it's very mystical.

01:30:55.000 Maybe this is how you control it.

01:30:56.000 Like, no.

01:30:56.000 That's not how you control it.

01:30:57.000 Well, I've always wondered if the real origins for superstitions like that in children are that children have a more honest awareness of the nature of reality itself, is that it's malleable, and the things you can alter The way things go, but you think about it in stupid ways, 0.97

01:31:13.000 like stepping on a crack. 0.95

01:31:14.000 Right.

01:31:14.000 But it might be the way you act or think or behave, and you feel that, you sense it, but you can't sort of communicate it correctly.

01:31:21.000 Can't process the thoughts.

01:31:22.000 Can't process it, can't put it into context, so instead you worry about stepping on cracks and breaking people's backs.

01:31:28.000 You feel the sense that you have some sort of a weird ability to affect and change your destiny based on decisions that you make.

01:31:37.000 Yeah.

01:31:38.000 When the cat goes across the street in front of you, do you still get at least plus one?

01:31:42.000 Yeah, you think about it.

01:31:43.000 Ladder?

01:31:44.000 Ladder? 0.93

01:31:44.000 When I see a ladder, I'll usually move around it the other way instead of like, what the fuck does this matter? 0.93

01:31:48.000 Well, here's a perfect example of that. 0.99

01:31:51.000 I was kind of superstitious when I was a kid, but I've always loved cats, and I've always had cats, and I've always had black cats, so I never give a fuck about black cats. 0.99

01:31:59.000 So when a black cat would go across the street, I would never think, oh my god, I'm fucked. 1.00

01:32:02.000 I'd be like, fuck you. 1.00

01:32:04.000 That's a cat. 1.00

01:32:04.000 It's just a cat, man. 1.00

01:32:05.000 Give that cat a little bowl of tuna fish and pet it. 1.00

01:32:08.000 Be purring. 0.75

01:32:09.000 It's just a cat.

01:32:10.000 A lot of straight cats in Beijing.

01:32:12.000 Bad luck. 1.00

01:32:12.000 He's a fucking animal. 1.00

01:32:13.000 He's having a good time. 1.00

01:32:14.000 Sitting alone.

01:32:14.000 Southern white guy made that...

01:32:17.000 Probably about the black cat. 1.00

01:32:18.000 It's probably some racist shit. 1.00

01:32:20.000 I think it's just a fear thing. 1.00

01:32:22.000 I think people are afraid.

01:32:24.000 Yeah, it's witches. 0.78

01:32:24.000 It represents witches, right? 0.78

01:32:25.000 Black cats. 0.99

01:32:27.000 It's cursed.

01:32:28.000 We're scared of what we can't see.

01:32:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:32:31.000 Some fucking glowing eyes running across the road in front of your car? 1.00

01:32:34.000 Because it's about a car, right? 1.00

01:32:36.000 Isn't it?

01:32:37.000 What?

01:32:38.000 No.

01:32:38.000 Black cat crosses your path.

01:32:39.000 You're on a bicycle.

01:32:40.000 What do you want?

01:32:41.000 No.

01:32:41.000 Walking.

01:32:41.000 You're just walking.

01:32:42.000 Anytime they're walking in front of you.

01:32:43.000 That too?

01:32:43.000 Yeah.

01:32:44.000 I was thinking of his cars.

01:32:45.000 There's an old Disney thing with a superstitious guy.

01:32:47.000 He has one of those umbrella canes.

01:32:49.000 That's right.

01:32:49.000 And he moves the cat backwards so it won't.

01:32:51.000 So even walking.

01:32:52.000 Do you think that's when it was created?

01:32:54.000 Yeah, I think it was created then for walking days.

01:32:56.000 Maybe horses would freak out and they'd see a cat run across them and people fell.

01:32:58.000 Very possibly.

01:32:59.000 And it bled into the shadows so it just saw something moving. 1.00

01:33:02.000 And people fell and got fucked up. 0.99

01:33:04.000 You figured it out. 1.00

01:33:04.000 Fact. 1.00

01:33:05.000 Could be it. 0.99

01:33:06.000 Or you could shit your pants and fall on your rake. 0.99

01:33:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:10.000 And you fucking die because you don't know what staph infection is back then. 1.00

01:33:14.000 That's another way to die. 1.00

01:33:16.000 Dude.

01:33:16.000 What?

01:33:17.000 I saw a guy first day.

01:33:19.000 Whenever someone says dude, you got to give him the floor.

01:33:22.000 He had this leg that had purple from like just below the knee all the way.

01:33:26.000 And this guy was taking me around.

01:33:28.000 I was like, don't look.

01:33:28.000 And I started to not look.

01:33:29.000 I'm like, how am I not going to look?

01:33:30.000 I'm just starting here.

01:33:32.000 It was a purple ring about that big.

01:33:35.000 And inside the purple ring was like a yellow ring.

01:33:38.000 And then inside that was like a little bone.

01:33:40.000 Oh my god.

01:33:42.000 So he's just eating him up.

01:33:43.000 Yeah.

01:33:44.000 I mean, their homeless are legit.

01:33:49.000 Whoa.

01:33:50.000 Yeah.

01:33:50.000 They don't have to say anything.

01:33:51.000 They just let their fucking... 1.00

01:33:52.000 They show it. 1.00

01:33:53.000 They don't tell it.

01:33:54.000 Oh my god.

01:33:55.000 Yeah.

01:33:57.000 But they don't have much homeless.

01:33:58.000 That was the only guy I ever saw in Shanghai that was homeless.

01:34:01.000 He's got a legit excuse.

01:34:02.000 Yeah.

01:34:04.000 The leg is wasting away.

01:34:05.000 What are you doing?

01:34:06.000 He ain't going to make it.

01:34:07.000 He's probably already dead.

01:34:07.000 Did you have a newfound appreciation for America when you re-landed?

01:34:11.000 And are you ready to say a Pledge of Allegiance right now?

01:34:14.000 I'll tell you what, man.

01:34:15.000 There were some things where I felt a lot more free.

01:34:18.000 In China?

01:34:19.000 You can buy a beer and walk down the street and drink it like a man. 0.99

01:34:21.000 You can do that in New Orleans.

01:34:22.000 Go to New Orleans.

01:34:23.000 You can be a man in New Orleans.

01:34:24.000 Vegas.

01:34:25.000 Not really in Vegas.

01:34:26.000 You can smoke a joint, too.

01:34:26.000 I think outside.

01:34:27.000 Don't they stop you outside?

01:34:28.000 No, you can walk around in Vegas.

01:34:31.000 Vegas, come on! 1.00

01:34:32.000 It's 40 minutes away from fucking Burbank. 0.99

01:34:34.000 This place is nice, but it's not a safe. 0.98

01:34:36.000 It's not a safe.

01:34:37.000 Smoke a joint, they don't know what weed smells like.

01:34:39.000 The cops have no reference point.

01:34:40.000 What are you talking about?

01:34:42.000 They have no reference point.

01:34:42.000 They don't know what it smells like.

01:34:43.000 Now I just solved the whole puzzle.

01:34:46.000 They don't know what it even smells like. 1.00

01:34:47.000 The country's confused as fuck. 0.99

01:34:48.000 Did you imagine they've kept weed from the whole country? 1.00

01:34:51.000 There's so little of it.

01:34:52.000 Whoa, that's amazing.

01:34:53.000 What would happen if weed spread through that country like wildfire?

01:34:56.000 You can get it.

01:34:57.000 People have it.

01:34:57.000 Yeah, but what would happen if weed spread through that country like wildfire?

01:35:01.000 If Ari Shafir became a weed evangelist for China?

01:35:04.000 And got it going.

01:35:05.000 But not there.

01:35:06.000 Don't go there.

01:35:07.000 Do it all through email.

01:35:08.000 Oh yeah, yeah, exactly.

01:35:09.000 Petition. 0.99

01:35:10.000 They'll fucking get you, dude. 0.99

01:35:11.000 They'll get you. 1.00

01:35:12.000 Don't test them. 0.99

01:35:15.000 They're going to fight tooth and nail to keep their silly cultures. 1.00

01:35:17.000 Keep kissing their camels and shit. 1.00

01:35:19.000 They'll throw you in a hole for like ever. 1.00

01:35:21.000 Kissing their fucking camels, man. 1.00

01:35:23.000 Their kids shit in the streets. 1.00

01:35:25.000 Murs. 1.00

01:35:26.000 Their kids shit in the streets? 1.00

01:35:27.000 Their pants are cut down the middle, so that allows them to. 1.00

01:35:30.000 Oh my god, no way.

01:35:30.000 Yeah, they have these loose shorts, like skorts.

01:35:33.000 No way. 0.99

01:35:34.000 And then if they're squatting, you can just see their little dicks. 1.00

01:35:36.000 And they train their kids. 0.99

01:35:38.000 I saw one of them in a market.

01:35:39.000 She was motioning to them.

01:35:41.000 You can tell what motions are, you know?

01:35:43.000 Things are universal.

01:35:43.000 And the kid kept looking back confused.

01:35:45.000 He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, do it.

01:35:46.000 And he pulled his pants down.

01:35:47.000 She goes, yeah! 0.99

01:35:49.000 And then he just pissed in the street.

01:35:50.000 He said, finally!

01:35:51.000 Wow. 0.99

01:35:52.000 Did you see anybody shit in the street? 0.99

01:35:54.000 No. 1.00

01:35:54.000 You only saw him piss. 1.00

01:35:55.000 It had to smell like shit. 1.00

01:35:56.000 But they had to cut all the way to the back. 1.00

01:35:58.000 They're just allowed to shit. 1.00

01:36:00.000 That stink? 1.00

01:36:01.000 Yeah.

01:36:01.000 The bathroom smells so bad.

01:36:04.000 The bathroom smells so bad from pollution.

01:36:06.000 I think it's just from polluted water.

01:36:08.000 Just polluted water makes it smell bad?

01:36:09.000 And also, they don't...

01:36:10.000 They don't what?

01:36:12.000 You can't even say it.

01:36:14.000 No, look at him.

01:36:14.000 He just died thinking about it.

01:36:16.000 They have a lot of toilets, but there's just no toilet.

01:36:18.000 It's just a hole?

01:36:19.000 It's just a porcelain hole.

01:36:21.000 It's a shy one.

01:36:22.000 Yeah.

01:36:22.000 And you have to squat?

01:36:23.000 You have to squat.

01:36:24.000 Supposedly, that's better for your bowels. 1.00

01:36:26.000 Supposedly.

01:36:28.000 That face!

01:36:31.000 That face!

01:36:34.000 Supposedly.

01:36:35.000 I was in the Forbidden City.

01:36:36.000 I was walking around there.

01:36:37.000 The Emperor's Palace.

01:36:39.000 Yeah.

01:36:39.000 And I got bad diarrhea.

01:36:41.000 It was bad.

01:36:42.000 Like, sweating. 1.00

01:36:43.000 Like, I gotta fuck. 1.00

01:36:44.000 And then there's a picture toilet. 1.00

01:36:46.000 You go in there. 1.00

01:36:48.000 And you fucking run. 1.00

01:36:49.000 As soon as you cross the threshold of the bathroom, it smells horrible. 0.99

01:36:52.000 And you open up the first stall door, and your mind can't even register at first.

01:36:56.000 Like, this must be under construction.

01:36:58.000 Oh, no.

01:36:59.000 Because there's no toilet here, so that's the only explanation.

01:37:01.000 Oh, my God.

01:37:02.000 And then you go to the next one, and you're like, what? 1.00

01:37:04.000 Oh, fuck. 0.99

01:37:04.000 Is there paper? 0.99

01:37:06.000 No.

01:37:07.000 There's no paper.

01:37:08.000 What?

01:37:09.000 You watch with your hand?

01:37:10.000 Well, first I just said, I'm not doing this.

01:37:12.000 I walked away.

01:37:13.000 Oh my God.

01:37:14.000 I took like two steps out of the bathroom and I was like, oh yeah, diarrhea.

01:37:17.000 What do you mean I'm not doing it?

01:37:18.000 Of course I'm doing it. 0.99

01:37:20.000 So you went back in and washed your butt? 0.99

01:37:22.000 Is that what you have to do? 0.99

01:37:22.000 No. 0.99

01:37:23.000 So this guy who owned the bar, the club was in Shanghai, gave me this tissue packet.

01:37:28.000 And he goes, you'll need it.

01:37:29.000 I thought it was for pollution.

01:37:31.000 And he goes, you'll need this.

01:37:33.000 And I just had it.

01:37:34.000 Yeah.

01:37:35.000 And then it was like, oh, yeah. 0.99

01:37:37.000 You got to pull your pants all the way down, squat over it, but also try not to shit into your pants. 0.99

01:37:45.000 You can't go over the balls of your feet. 0.99

01:37:46.000 Oh, no.

01:37:48.000 There's probably a better way.

01:37:50.000 What do you do with explosive diarrhea, though?

01:37:52.000 It seems like you're going to miss. 0.95

01:37:53.000 Blast it into that hole. 1.00

01:37:54.000 You're going to hover over that hole.

01:37:56.000 You're like half a foot over the hole.

01:37:58.000 Is that good for your quads?

01:37:59.000 It's good for your core.

01:38:03.000 I would feel like that would really work your core a lot.

01:38:07.000 And there's no air conditioning.

01:38:08.000 It's so hot.

01:38:09.000 That would work your resolve.

01:38:11.000 Yeah, that's why the H's are thin.

01:38:12.000 Maybe it's not the low-sugar diet. 1.00

01:38:13.000 Does the shit hit your foot? 1.00

01:38:15.000 Hit your ankles though? 1.00

01:38:16.000 No. 0.95

01:38:16.000 Because I have explosive diarrhea. 0.95

01:38:18.000 It feels like I'm just going to hit my feet.

01:38:19.000 Picture this.

01:38:20.000 I'm down.

01:38:21.000 Okay.

01:38:22.000 Ari's squatting right now. 0.99

01:38:24.000 So like your ass is right... 1.00

01:38:26.000 Over the hole. 1.00

01:38:27.000 Yeah.

01:38:27.000 Filling the hole essentially.

01:38:28.000 Your feet, if you're moved far enough away...

01:38:30.000 What do you do if you have bad knees?

01:38:32.000 Ow! 1.00

01:38:32.000 You do after that. 1.00

01:38:33.000 Everyone has it after that.

01:38:35.000 But I sit like that all the time.

01:38:37.000 That's how Asians just squat, eat all the time. 1.00

01:38:39.000 I do that sometimes.

01:38:40.000 Really?

01:38:41.000 I'll sit out in my yard like that.

01:38:42.000 Yeah, sure.

01:38:43.000 Once in a while.

01:38:43.000 It's good for your back.

01:38:44.000 This just happened last week in China in one of those toilets.

01:38:48.000 Somebody dropped their brand new phone in the toilet, and so the husband went to go in there and grab it, but he passed out because of the fumes, and then the woman tried to grab the guy out.

01:38:57.000 She passed out? 0.89

01:38:58.000 She passed out.

01:38:59.000 Two people died, three injured.

01:39:01.000 That's like that scene in Stand By Me where they're all barfing.

01:39:04.000 Oh my god.

01:39:07.000 We have it so good in America.

01:39:09.000 Dick Cheney's right.

01:39:11.000 They have those shitters on the train when it's moving around and stuff. 0.78

01:39:15.000 They have those shitters. 0.99

01:39:16.000 Dick Cheney's right.

01:39:18.000 I opened up my tissue packet.

01:39:20.000 What?

01:39:20.000 What did he say?

01:39:21.000 Right.

01:39:21.000 We're the best.

01:39:24.000 It sounds like at first I was kind of jealous, but now I don't want to.

01:39:27.000 You would never even go there.

01:39:28.000 They have someplace where there's real toilets. 1.00

01:39:30.000 Like in the hotels, it was fine.

01:39:31.000 In the bars, it's fine.

01:39:32.000 But like in a lot of places, you just don't know.

01:39:34.000 It's going to be one of those.

01:39:36.000 And then it's like six or seven tissues in there.

01:39:38.000 So suddenly you got a budget. 0.99

01:39:40.000 Prostitutes? 1.00

01:39:40.000 Hot chicks? 1.00

01:39:41.000 How was that part of it?

01:39:42.000 Did you see any of it? 0.98

01:39:43.000 There were prostitutes in... 1.00

01:39:43.000 I went to the area in Hong Kong. 1.00

01:39:45.000 I didn't get any.

01:39:46.000 Right.

01:39:46.000 But I went to the area in Hong Kong.

01:39:48.000 They grab at you.

01:39:48.000 Really?

01:39:49.000 Yeah.

01:39:49.000 They watch your business.

01:39:51.000 Now, a couple of them were hot.

01:39:52.000 A lot of them were just like older Chinese ladies that look weathered. 1.00

01:39:56.000 Oof.

01:39:57.000 Yeah.

01:39:57.000 Oof.

01:39:58.000 Here's something interesting.

01:39:59.000 Hong Kong...

01:40:00.000 They don't call it China.

01:40:02.000 You gotta use your visa to go between them. 0.86

01:40:04.000 Really?

01:40:04.000 Even though it's been given back.

01:40:05.000 It hasn't been fully given back yet.

01:40:06.000 It used to be English.

01:40:07.000 Yeah.

01:40:08.000 For a hundred years.

01:40:09.000 How did they give it back?

01:40:10.000 How did they let that happen?

01:40:12.000 How did what?

01:40:12.000 They gave it back.

01:40:13.000 They said that we'd get it for 150 years.

01:40:14.000 Imagine if Puerto Ricans asked for Puerto Rico back. 1.00

01:40:16.000 We'd be like, no.

01:40:17.000 No way.

01:40:18.000 But that was always the deal.

01:40:19.000 We want Hawaii back.

01:40:21.000 They've wanted Hawaii back forever.

01:40:22.000 Yeah.

01:40:22.000 No.

01:40:22.000 You're not getting that back.

01:40:23.000 We want to take Alaska.

01:40:25.000 No.

01:40:26.000 Alaska should be its own country.

01:40:28.000 But at this point, if Britain was like, no, you don't get it back, China's like, you really want to do this? 0.95

01:40:33.000 Yeah.

01:40:33.000 Because if you want to go, we'll go.

01:40:35.000 We'll go.

01:40:35.000 We'll go in a crazy way.

01:40:36.000 We signed a contract.

01:40:37.000 We'll abide by that.

01:40:38.000 But it's time.

01:40:39.000 We're not going to lose faith.

01:40:40.000 But all the Hong Kong people, they look at the mainlanders. 0.97

01:40:43.000 Mainlanders are like an insult. 1.00

01:40:44.000 They look at them as like the garbage people. 1.00

01:40:47.000 Really? 0.99

01:40:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:40:47.000 They all shit in malls. 0.99

01:40:49.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:40:50.000 And they carry fucking raw turkeys in their bags when they go. 1.00

01:40:53.000 All the meres, that's all them. 1.00

01:40:55.000 Whoa.

01:40:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:40:56.000 They view them as like real underlings.

01:40:59.000 Yeah.

01:41:00.000 Wow.

01:41:00.000 Yeah, I was told that it was racist against other Chinese.

01:41:02.000 But I was like, no way.

01:41:03.000 How can it be?

01:41:04.000 I was like, wow, you're right.

01:41:06.000 Deeply.

01:41:07.000 Deeply.

01:41:07.000 Whoa.

01:41:08.000 Like the north, but think of like the south, but way worse than that.

01:41:10.000 Whoa.

01:41:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:41:12.000 But I'll tell you what, if someone shit in a mall, it was a mainlander. 0.99

01:41:17.000 Whoa. 0.99

01:41:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:41:18.000 It doesn't mean they're all like that, but that's...

01:41:21.000 That thinking comes from there.

01:41:22.000 Well, it seems like their reality is just far more sparse, right?

01:41:26.000 There's far, far fewer resources.

01:41:29.000 There's too many people.

01:41:30.000 I don't know about that.

01:41:31.000 Well, what is it that's causing them to behave in such a...

01:41:34.000 Well, they had a lot of revolution in the last, like, not that many years.

01:41:37.000 Like, the old people, they walk around. 1.00

01:41:38.000 Like, you know that walk where they put your hand behind your back and clasp it and just, like, stroll?

01:41:42.000 Yeah.

01:41:43.000 They're like, none of my friends are getting shot in the face, you know, at a firing squad.

01:41:48.000 Like, they've lived through some, like, bad times.

01:41:50.000 So they're calm.

01:41:50.000 Yeah.

01:41:51.000 Yeah, they're like, we're safe.

01:41:53.000 Or they're baiting you with a Kimura. 0.83

01:41:55.000 Trying to bait you.

01:41:55.000 Trying to get you to go into it.

01:41:56.000 Yeah, if you go to that Kimura, a lot of guys have good defense.

01:41:59.000 And they know that.

01:42:00.000 Set up that far side arm bar if you don't control the body.

01:42:03.000 They'll just trip you, get you to the ground.

01:42:05.000 Yeah.

01:42:05.000 I don't know what that is.

01:42:07.000 I don't know what it is.

01:42:08.000 Hong Kong's pretty built up too.

01:42:09.000 Hmm.

01:42:10.000 That's fascinating.

01:42:11.000 They're all bankers.

01:42:12.000 It's the English influence.

01:42:13.000 So the English influence, was it...

01:42:16.000 They drive on the other side of the street.

01:42:17.000 They drive like English. 0.76

01:42:18.000 And China drives like us?

01:42:20.000 Yeah, except...

01:42:21.000 They don't drive like us.

01:42:22.000 They're pedestrians.

01:42:23.000 I mean, it's like, if you're crossing a street like this, and you know they're making a right turn, if they see a hole big enough for their car, they're taking it.

01:42:31.000 Those mopeds are shooting in and out through traffic, through like pedestrians.

01:42:34.000 How many people get hit?

01:42:35.000 They said tons all the time.

01:42:36.000 I didn't see any, but they say tons. 1.00

01:42:39.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:42:40.000 Did you walk across that shit? 1.00

01:42:42.000 Oh, all the time. 1.00

01:42:42.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:42:43.000 And you have to just keep walking and know, you see me, you're gonna move.

01:42:47.000 Or you see my angle.

01:42:48.000 You want to, like, stop and throw it off.

01:42:50.000 So you gotta, like, give them timing.

01:42:52.000 Yeah, you just gotta go at the same pace.

01:42:53.000 You don't just trust them and not hit.

01:42:54.000 You gotta trust their timing.

01:42:55.000 Yeah, they're like, they see where you are.

01:42:56.000 I see where you're not gonna be in, like, two seconds.

01:42:58.000 I'll go where you are now.

01:42:59.000 Don't stop walking in the middle of the street.

01:43:01.000 Do they text in characters while they're driving like that?

01:43:04.000 Could you imagine?

01:43:05.000 Their texting must be so much more complicated than ours.

01:43:07.000 They're drawing little pictures.

01:43:08.000 They do text in characters.

01:43:09.000 Oh, my God.

01:43:10.000 So they text in characters and they drive like that.

01:43:12.000 And they all, at night, especially the cab drivers, To save battery, they'll turn off their lights.

01:43:17.000 They'll drive without their lights.

01:43:21.000 Oh my god.

01:43:23.000 They drive without their lights.

01:43:24.000 And all but the darkest, cloudiest nights.

01:43:26.000 Oh my god, that's the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.

01:43:29.000 Like it's in the city, you can pretty much see.

01:43:30.000 And you're just walking across the street and you have to hope that they can see you well enough to time you.

01:43:36.000 They have such bad ideas about it.

01:43:37.000 They'll turn off their motor at red lights because they think that saves gas.

01:43:40.000 Oh, God.

01:43:41.000 Well, it does.

01:43:42.000 Not to turn it on over and over again.

01:43:44.000 No, it doesn't.

01:43:45.000 On a Prius?

01:43:46.000 No, it's a new feature on a lot of cars.

01:43:48.000 What?

01:43:48.000 They shut off at stoplights.

01:43:50.000 Really?

01:43:51.000 Porsches have it. 0.79

01:43:52.000 And doesn't that take the most gases to start up again?

01:43:55.000 No.

01:43:55.000 It's like an instant start up again.

01:43:57.000 The engine goes into some sort of sustained hibernation or some shit, but it essentially shuts the engine off. 0.53

01:44:05.000 It's an option, though. 0.59

01:44:05.000 You can turn it off or on. 0.59

01:44:07.000 And it's how they beat emission standards.

01:44:10.000 Wow.

01:44:11.000 So over time, maybe for every five minutes we're worse, but over ten minutes we're better.

01:44:17.000 If you read those things where it says what's the miles per gallon that a car gets, that's only driving a really sane, calm person.

01:44:26.000 It doesn't take any risks.

01:44:28.000 You're driving like super slow.

01:44:30.000 You're observing the speed limit.

01:44:32.000 You slowly accelerate up to whatever speed you want to go to.

01:44:38.000 Look at that.

01:44:39.000 Look at that.

01:44:39.000 That's how they cross the street.

01:44:41.000 That is fucking insane. 0.99

01:44:43.000 That's how you just have to cross the street. 1.00

01:44:45.000 That is fucking insane. 0.99

01:44:47.000 He's on a crosswalk. 1.00

01:44:48.000 Oh my god, that is fucking insane. 0.99

01:44:50.000 They're just like, man, those are just white paint on a road. 0.99

01:44:52.000 That's got nothing to do with me. 1.00

01:44:53.000 That is fucking insane. 0.99

01:44:56.000 It's hard to watch. 1.00

01:44:57.000 I get anxiety.

01:44:59.000 So many of those mopeds, too. 1.00

01:45:00.000 I rode one of those fucking drunk late at night. 1.00

01:45:03.000 If those hit you, that would suck hard, too. 1.00

01:45:05.000 Yeah, they hit. 0.90

01:45:07.000 They're solid.

01:45:08.000 Did you come close at all?

01:45:09.000 Did anybody come close to hitting you?

01:45:10.000 No, I mean, I didn't skim one at all, but I could feel the breeze go by.

01:45:14.000 Oh, my God.

01:45:16.000 Definitely. 1.00

01:45:17.000 Damn. 0.99

01:45:18.000 What was your favorite place? 0.99

01:45:21.000 I don't know.

01:45:24.000 Hong Kong was a lot of fun.

01:45:24.000 Shanghai was a lot of fun, too.

01:45:27.000 Is Hong Kong better air?

01:45:29.000 Oh yeah, it's cleaner, definitely.

01:45:30.000 We went on a junk boat in Hong Kong the day before I left, the day before the last day, and just jumped off into the bay and stuff. 0.59

01:45:38.000 It was fucking awesome.

01:45:39.000 So it was essentially just different, but both cool? 0.89

01:45:42.000 Yeah, both cool. 0.99

01:45:43.000 Fucking swam. 0.99

01:45:44.000 It's a perfect mix of beer, Thai food, a little bit of acid, and just fucking jellyfish came up at some point. 1.00

01:45:50.000 And you went in the ocean? 0.98

01:45:51.000 Yeah.

01:45:52.000 Wow.

01:45:52.000 High food, beer, and acid.

01:45:54.000 Yeah.

01:45:54.000 And jellyfish.

01:45:55.000 Yeah, the jellyfish came in and it got a little more dangerous, but we just kept jumping in. 1.00

01:45:59.000 And if jellyfish get you, you're fucked? 0.99

01:46:01.000 You're just in a lot of pain for two days. 1.00

01:46:03.000 Two days?

01:46:03.000 And you'll be scarred even.

01:46:05.000 My ex had it on her neck and it was just this huge burn.

01:46:08.000 Really?

01:46:08.000 Well, they teach them how to get it out.

01:46:10.000 You gotta take a credit card and scrape it out.

01:46:12.000 It's the hottest pot loads.

01:46:13.000 Yeah, it's the hottest pot loads.

01:46:14.000 They said it was gonna last like six months.

01:46:15.000 That's what loads do.

01:46:16.000 They burn you for about six months.

01:46:18.000 They mark you up.

01:46:20.000 Nobody else can get you.

01:46:21.000 They don't swim real fast, though.

01:46:22.000 Loads?

01:46:23.000 No.

01:46:23.000 Loads go fast.

01:46:24.000 Mine go fast, bro.

01:46:25.000 Mine are like sprinters.

01:46:26.000 You don't know.

01:46:27.000 You don't know my jigs. 0.97

01:46:29.000 There's one in Australia that kills people on a regular basis. 0.89

01:46:31.000 Oh, really? 0.99

01:46:32.000 Yeah, it kills people.

01:46:33.000 They have these emergency stations that they have set up on the beach where they have these giant jugs of vinegar.

01:46:41.000 Just in case.

01:46:42.000 Yeah, you pour it on, like, maybe they let go.

01:46:44.000 It's disinfectant or something?

01:46:45.000 I don't know.

01:46:45.000 I think, I should probably Google that.

01:46:48.000 There's one comic, Sean got stung the year before.

01:46:51.000 Yeah, in Australia?

01:46:51.000 And they said they had to pee in a cup and then pour it over it.

01:46:53.000 Yeah.

01:46:54.000 Yeah, but then they said they found out later that's not the way to, that's actually not a thing. 1.00

01:46:58.000 Yeah, Australia has a lot of shit. 1.00

01:47:00.000 No, this isn't China. 1.00

01:47:00.000 Really? 1.00

01:47:01.000 Yeah.

01:47:02.000 How far away is China from Australia?

01:47:05.000 It's not that far.

01:47:07.000 It's not as far as we are from Australia, I don't think.

01:47:09.000 From Sydney.

01:47:09.000 I think they're closer to Sydney than we are.

01:47:13.000 Really?

01:47:13.000 Yeah, they're south, but like straight down south.

01:47:16.000 There's a ton of Asians in Australia.

01:47:18.000 There's a box jellyfish. 0.99

01:47:20.000 It's no bigger than your fingernail and it can kill you.

01:47:22.000 That's hard to spot.

01:47:23.000 Yeah.

01:47:24.000 Even when you haven't bitten your nails lately.

01:47:27.000 No bigger than your fingernail and it can kill you. 0.81

01:47:31.000 I gotta pee real bad. 0.99

01:47:32.000 Go pee.

01:47:33.000 I'm freaking out about a box jellyfish. 1.00

01:47:35.000 Size of a fucking matchstick. 1.00

01:47:38.000 Look at that shit. 1.00

01:47:40.000 Brian, pull that shit up. 1.00

01:47:41.000 Box jellyfish. 1.00

01:47:42.000 Just pull up. 0.73

01:47:43.000 Box jellyfish no bigger than your fingernail can kill you.

01:47:47.000 In the blink of an eye, by the way. 1.00

01:47:49.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:47:51.000 Just when I was starting to relax. 1.00

01:47:53.000 Where's this live?

01:47:54.000 Is it really rare?

01:47:55.000 Australia, man.

01:47:57.000 Wow, look at that. 1.00

01:47:58.000 Look at that shit. 1.00

01:48:00.000 That's how big that is. 1.00

01:48:02.000 Size of a goddamn fingernail and it can kill you in seconds. 1.00

01:48:06.000 That is not cool. 1.00

01:48:09.000 Upon further research, this itty-bitty jelly...

01:48:12.000 It's so cute that it might kill you.

01:48:14.000 No, really.

01:48:15.000 And not from the sheer adorableness of it, but from its insanely poisonous sting.

01:48:20.000 The species box jellyfish was described as recently as 2007. Wow.

01:48:26.000 So they didn't know about it?

01:48:28.000 The species of box jellyfish was described as recently as 2007. After a 44-year-old American tourist, of course, by the name of Robert King, was swimming in Australia waters and encounter...

01:48:42.000 This minute box jellyfish.

01:48:44.000 He was stung and died soon after.

01:48:47.000 That's where the name of Common Kingslayer comes from.

01:48:51.000 After Robert King.

01:48:53.000 That's the guy's name.

01:48:54.000 Wow. 0.99

01:48:55.000 They called this fucking jellyfish a kingslayer because it killed this guy named Robert King. 1.00

01:49:02.000 They didn't know about this jellyfish until 2007. So this guy got stung. 1.00

01:49:08.000 He died from a tiny jellyfish they didn't even know about.

01:49:11.000 They came to spot it?

01:49:12.000 It's the size of your fingernails.

01:49:13.000 Look at the images of it.

01:49:14.000 Brian, pull up some of the images.

01:49:15.000 There's some of them where they have one in a little tiny test tube.

01:49:19.000 Where in Australia?

01:49:20.000 All over Australia, especially Sydney.

01:49:22.000 And he just died?

01:49:23.000 I don't know where it is, man. 0.99

01:49:23.000 I'm just making shit up. 0.99

01:49:24.000 Oh. 0.95

01:49:25.000 But it's in Australia somewhere.

01:49:26.000 Especially Sydney, because that's where someone might be.

01:49:30.000 Look at the size of that.

01:49:31.000 You see how tiny it is?

01:49:32.000 Wow.

01:49:33.000 That thing can kill you. 1.00

01:49:33.000 And it didn't kill a guy until 2007, and so they decided to call it the Common Kingslayer. 1.00

01:49:39.000 That's what it's called now.

01:49:41.000 That's pretty wild, because it killed that guy named Robert King.

01:49:44.000 It didn't kill anyone until then?

01:49:45.000 Nope.

01:49:46.000 They didn't even know about it.

01:49:47.000 They never knew about it.

01:49:49.000 This is from a box jellyfish. 1.00

01:49:53.000 Motherfucker! 1.00

01:49:53.000 That's a lot of stings. 1.00

01:49:55.000 Oh my god!

01:49:57.000 They said this one girl, it wrapped around. 0.90

01:49:59.000 It didn't just sting you once.

01:50:00.000 It wrapped around and held on.

01:50:01.000 And then all the things, all the barbs are going into you.

01:50:04.000 Well, this is a type of box jellyfish.

01:50:06.000 They've known about box jellyfishes for a while.

01:50:09.000 But this type of box jellyfish, the common kingslayer, was discovered as recently, first described as recently as 2007. Wow.

01:50:18.000 So they didn't know about it until this guy got fucked up by it. 0.99

01:50:20.000 Oh, is it on him? 0.99

01:50:22.000 Yeah, Steve went to this beach where there's just tons of jellyfish and he just started putting them on his head.

01:50:28.000 What?

01:50:28.000 Yeah, it's a great video.

01:50:29.000 Check it out.

01:50:30.000 How does he know which ones they are? 1.00

01:50:32.000 That fucking guy. 1.00

01:50:34.000 That wild man guy. 1.00

01:50:35.000 They would tell him all the time.

01:50:37.000 What was his name?

01:50:38.000 The old man?

01:50:39.000 Manny. 0.94

01:50:39.000 Manny, yeah. 0.94

01:50:41.000 Manny was cool.

01:50:42.000 Did Steve-O actually put like a poisonous jellyfish on him?

01:50:44.000 Oh, he got stung from it, yeah, absolutely.

01:50:46.000 But not like that guy that got stung by the box jellyfish.

01:50:49.000 Not the box jellyfish, not poison jellyfish.

01:50:51.000 They took chances in that show.

01:50:53.000 That is so weird, man.

01:50:55.000 It's so weird that these things exist that can kill you so easily.

01:50:58.000 Oh.

01:51:01.000 That's so weird.

01:51:03.000 It's just weird that these things exist that have venom in them.

01:51:07.000 You know?

01:51:08.000 Yeah.

01:51:09.000 There's no anti-venom for box jellyfish.

01:51:12.000 For these box jellyfish, little tiny ones.

01:51:14.000 There's none.

01:51:15.000 Only symptoms can be treated, which can last from hours to weeks.

01:51:21.000 Weeks of symptoms.

01:51:23.000 If you live. 1.00

01:51:24.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:51:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:29.000 You're going to be researching jellyfish for the next month.

01:51:32.000 This is crazy.

01:51:33.000 This is really funny.

01:51:34.000 Part of this is what it does to you.

01:51:36.000 This is really interesting.

01:51:37.000 The severe symptoms don't breathe their ugly heads until about 5 to 120 minutes.

01:51:42.000 30 minutes on average.

01:51:52.000 Wow.

01:51:56.000 Wow.

01:51:58.000 Wow. 1.00

01:52:11.000 Well, it sounds like with all that other shit, of course you would think that you're dying. 1.00

01:52:13.000 Yeah, it does. 1.00

01:52:14.000 It does sound like that.

01:52:15.000 How is that even like an additional symptom?

01:52:17.000 Is it a separate thing?

01:52:18.000 It's not.

01:52:19.000 You're dying, man. 0.98

01:52:20.000 You're getting jacked. 1.00

01:52:21.000 Think about all that shit. 1.00

01:52:22.000 Severe pain, excruciating muscle cramps, severe pain in back and kidneys, burning sensation of skin and face, headaches, nausea. 1.00

01:52:30.000 You're dying.

01:52:31.000 Yeah. 0.94

01:52:31.000 Vomiting. 0.94

01:52:32.000 You're fucking dying. 1.00

01:52:33.000 Who wouldn't? 1.00

01:52:34.000 You'd have to be the cockiest motherfucker ever to be like, yeah, we'll walk this off. 1.00

01:52:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:39.000 Bro, these fucking box jellyfish ain't killing me, dude. 1.00

01:52:42.000 This is like a cold. 1.00

01:52:44.000 My grandfather swam here every day.

01:52:46.000 He didn't get no box jellyfish thing.

01:52:49.000 This is incredible. 0.94

01:52:51.000 It's scary as fuck that nature creates these little things like that. 0.99

01:52:54.000 They can just jack you. 1.00

01:52:57.000 Just jack you.

01:52:57.000 And probably some goldfish can eat it fine, not get in trouble at all.

01:53:00.000 Probably feeds off of it, right? 0.99

01:53:01.000 It's probably some shitty bird that comes down. 0.90

01:53:03.000 We did see a fish eating at one of them, and it was trying to get out of there, so we'd have to dive. 0.93

01:53:08.000 A jellyfish?

01:53:09.000 Yeah.

01:53:09.000 So fish do eat jellyfish.

01:53:10.000 Yeah.

01:53:11.000 I mean, it has to be what they created.

01:53:12.000 I mean, they must have created this toxin to avoid predation.

01:53:15.000 That's a good question.

01:53:16.000 Soul.

01:53:17.000 They serve jellyfish.

01:53:19.000 They serve jellyfish in some of the restaurants.

01:53:21.000 They serve it?

01:53:21.000 You eat it?

01:53:21.000 Yeah, I didn't get any.

01:53:22.000 I was getting other stuff.

01:53:23.000 Can we play the Steve-O video or would that get us yanked from YouTube?

01:53:26.000 Probably get yanked from YouTube.

01:53:27.000 Steve-O wouldn't do that to us.

01:53:29.000 Who owns the Steve-O footage though?

01:53:31.000 Steve-O does.

01:53:31.000 He'll be happy if he shows up.

01:53:32.000 Yeah?

01:53:33.000 Okay.

01:53:33.000 Let's show it then.

01:53:34.000 I want to see him get fucked up. 0.99

01:53:35.000 Did you ever see the video of Steve-O when he's up in a tree and lions come up to him? 1.00

01:53:41.000 Swiping and barely missing his butt?

01:53:42.000 No, they swat his hat. 0.98

01:53:44.000 They took his hat.

01:53:45.000 He had like one of those Mexican farm worker hats, you know, those straw hats those dudes like to wear, and he's up in this tree, and this lion runs up to him in the tree.

01:53:54.000 Just runs up the tree, he's checking him out, a female lion, and she like bites his hat. 1.00

01:53:59.000 She doesn't bite him, she bites his hat, and he's like stuck up there in the tree.

01:54:03.000 It is the most terrifying thing anybody that I've ever met has ever done.

01:54:07.000 God.

01:54:08.000 Was that the guy who died, his buddy from that show, Wild Boys?

01:54:11.000 Steve O's alive.

01:54:11.000 No, the other guy in Wild Boys.

01:54:14.000 That's what killed him.

01:54:15.000 No, the guy who died in a car crash was one of the guys from the other show.

01:54:21.000 Yeah, it wasn't from Wild Boys.

01:54:24.000 He died speeding, drunk, in a Porsche.

01:54:27.000 Yeah, that's a lame word. 1.00

01:54:28.000 Not from all that other crazy shit. 0.99

01:54:29.000 Not from all the other crazy stuff, but the chances. 0.99

01:54:32.000 I mean, they just, those guys just every day would risk their lives. 0.97

01:54:36.000 I mean, that was, Johnny Knoxville was a goddamn movie star, and he's putting a bandana over his eyes and letting a bull throw him through the air. 0.98

01:54:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:43.000 That is the nuttiest fucking shit. 1.00

01:54:45.000 So you talk about the best comedies, you're like, oh, what are there any good comedies? 1.00

01:54:48.000 You may have mentioned three or four. 0.98

01:54:49.000 All three of those jackasses were fucking awesome. 0.99

01:54:52.000 Tremendous. 0.99

01:54:52.000 Awesome. 0.99

01:54:53.000 Just laughs every 10 seconds.

01:54:55.000 Did you see the new one with the old man?

01:54:56.000 No.

01:54:57.000 What is it called?

01:54:58.000 Bad Grandpa.

01:54:58.000 Bad Grandpa?

01:54:59.000 Goddamn, that's funny. 0.99

01:55:00.000 There's the unedited version. 0.86

01:55:02.000 If you haven't seen it yet, it's like the 2.0 or whatever version.

01:55:05.000 Check it out.

01:55:06.000 It's even more worse.

01:55:07.000 I couldn't even imagine it could be better.

01:55:09.000 That movie was really funny.

01:55:11.000 Like, there's some really, really funny scenes in that movie.

01:55:14.000 The grandpa stuff they did in Jackass was awesome.

01:55:16.000 He's awesome.

01:55:17.000 Johnny Knoxville is so good.

01:55:18.000 He was riding that rocket and that thing went off and blew a hole through the metal rocket right by his head.

01:55:22.000 He's like, whoa, that was so close.

01:55:24.000 I would have been gone.

01:55:25.000 Yeah.

01:55:26.000 Could you imagine if that's how he died?

01:55:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:28.000 Rocket to the fucking head. 1.00

01:55:29.000 Johnny Knoxville filming a stunt and everyone would be like, oh, yeah, of course. 1.00

01:55:33.000 Why hasn't that happened before?

01:55:35.000 What is it about dudes who want that feeling, that rush of getting right up to the edge?

01:55:40.000 Because those guys get right up to the edge.

01:55:42.000 But Steve-O backed off a lot, right?

01:55:46.000 Got off the drugs.

01:55:47.000 He's completely sober, which is awesome.

01:55:51.000 I talked to him like six months ago.

01:55:54.000 I saw him in San Diego and he had a sex addiction.

01:55:56.000 That he was trying to get off of.

01:55:59.000 Why are you throwing him under the bus?

01:56:01.000 No, because I think he talks about it.

01:56:03.000 Maybe.

01:56:04.000 But then this last time I saw him, just a month ago, I went down again to see him, and he had a guy that came with him to make sure he didn't make his sex addictions.

01:56:13.000 That's hilarious.

01:56:13.000 That guy's a joke.

01:56:14.000 Listen to me, Steve-O. I'm going to tell you something right now.

01:56:18.000 A guy like you is supposed to have a sex addiction. 1.00

01:56:20.000 I've cock-blocked for the best. 1.00

01:56:21.000 Because if you, the amount of, that's his job. 0.99

01:56:24.000 I'm a cock blocker. 0.99

01:56:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:56:25.000 That's what I do. 0.99

01:56:26.000 My name is Johnny.

01:56:27.000 Johnny Runtanzi. 0.55

01:56:29.000 Cock blocker. 1.00

01:56:30.000 You got a sex addiction? 1.00

01:56:31.000 Don't worry. 0.99

01:56:32.000 I'm gonna go a three-pronged effort.

01:56:33.000 I'm gonna mention your daughter in front of them.

01:56:37.000 I'm going to talk about your treatment and leave it blank.

01:56:40.000 The treatment's a big one. 1.00

01:56:41.000 And then I'm going to fuck her. 1.00

01:56:46.000 A guy like that, like he probably, I mean, he's a famous dude. 1.00

01:56:50.000 Steve O's a famous dude.

01:56:50.000 So I bet some really hot chicks launched themselves in his direction.

01:56:54.000 He's pretty goddamn famous. 0.99

01:56:55.000 And he's famous for being a wild man. 1.00

01:56:57.000 So really crazy bitches are probably attracted to him like a magnet to metal shavings. 1.00

01:57:01.000 Like... 1.00

01:57:03.000 They start moving across the desk at him.

01:57:05.000 It's probably normal, right? 0.86

01:57:06.000 So, for a guy like that, the amount of love and sex he must be getting, or thrown in his direction, offered to him, must be pretty stunning.

01:57:14.000 Must be high.

01:57:14.000 Yeah, and he's probably, you know, he looks in the mirror, he knows what he looks like.

01:57:18.000 This doesn't even make sense.

01:57:19.000 I may as well catch him while I can.

01:57:20.000 This is insane.

01:57:20.000 I have to take myself up on this opportunity.

01:57:23.000 Who else would?

01:57:24.000 Why wouldn't you?

01:57:25.000 No one else gets that shot.

01:57:27.000 No one, I mean, only one guy gets to be Steve-O. Yeah.

01:57:30.000 You know, I said that to you once.

01:57:31.000 I remember that because it struck with me, too, as I said it.

01:57:34.000 We were talking about comedy.

01:57:35.000 We were talking about creating, like, when someone's a fan of yours.

01:57:38.000 The craziest thing is, like, if someone's an Ari Shafir fan, you're the only one that could give them Ari Shafir.

01:57:43.000 If they become an Ari Shafir fan, you're the only one who's doing Ari Shafir comedy.

01:57:47.000 That's it.

01:57:48.000 You're responsible. 1.00

01:57:49.000 You're responsible for that shit. 1.00

01:57:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:52.000 So, I'm sure he feels the same way.

01:57:54.000 Yeah, probably.

01:57:56.000 Wow.

01:57:57.000 There's only one Stevo, bro.

01:57:59.000 Let me cash in.

01:58:00.000 Cash in!

01:58:00.000 This girl's an ultimate fan of Stevo's.

01:58:02.000 Why would he not have sex with her? 1.00

01:58:04.000 Sex addiction nonsense. 0.99

01:58:05.000 Do you mean he has sex a lot and it's awesome? 0.99

01:58:07.000 Because that's what you're saying. 0.89

01:58:08.000 Make Stevo alone.

01:58:10.000 Some Christian person going, you shouldn't do that so much.

01:58:13.000 But of course there are sex addictions.

01:58:15.000 Of course.

01:58:15.000 But there's everything addictions, right?

01:58:17.000 I mean, there's addictions to fucking washing your hands. 0.94

01:58:20.000 If it's like he can't carry on with his day, so he can't get anything done, then it's like, I guess that's an addiction. 0.98

01:58:24.000 But isn't it parallel to what we were talking about earlier about the cigarettes that it becomes like a force of habit?

01:58:29.000 Right.

01:58:29.000 It becomes a part of your life.

01:58:31.000 It becomes like a well-worn trail in your mind. 0.87

01:58:35.000 But I like sex a lot.

01:58:36.000 But then if I've got work to do, if there's something I have to do, I'm like, I can't.

01:58:39.000 I've got to take care of this.

01:58:40.000 Well, you're not sick.

01:58:41.000 You don't have the sickness.

01:58:45.000 Some people like to call it no will.

01:58:48.000 Some people like to call it no discipline.

01:58:51.000 Not me.

01:58:51.000 I prefer illness.

01:58:53.000 Disease.

01:58:54.000 I want to take it completely out of your control.

01:58:56.000 Did we crash?

01:58:57.000 Yeah.

01:58:58.000 Oh, so we're off Ustream right now?

01:59:00.000 No, no, no, no.

01:59:01.000 I mean the YouTube crashed.

01:59:02.000 Oh, YouTube.

01:59:02.000 This computer crashed over here.

01:59:03.000 But we're still on Ustream?

01:59:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:59:05.000 Oh, I got a YouTube video to show you, by the way, that you could probably play.

01:59:09.000 I guess the sex addiction thing, when it becomes a problem, is when you start spending money and we start being sloppy and having sex with no condoms with people in the streets.

01:59:16.000 Or when you're doing things you don't want to do.

01:59:19.000 Or you really like doing that and it's way better than not doing that.

01:59:22.000 Yeah.

01:59:23.000 It's one of the things that I don't buy. 0.99

01:59:25.000 I think it's when you look at yourself later and go, fuck, I don't want to do that. 0.98

01:59:28.000 Why can't I stop doing that? 0.99

01:59:29.000 And that's everything. 0.99

01:59:30.000 That's beating off, that's using Q-tips, that's fucking biting your fingernails. 0.99

01:59:34.000 People get weird. 0.99

01:59:36.000 We're weird.

01:59:37.000 I saw this guy, somebody was talking about losing a bunch of weight, some comic at a barbecue, and this other fatter comic, he was talking about eating natural chips and stuff instead of processed stuff.

01:59:47.000 And the fatter guy's like, man, Lewis, you've got to show me how to lose weight as he's eating the chips.

01:59:51.000 He goes, I just told you!

01:59:52.000 Just don't eat those things that you put in your mouth.

01:59:55.000 Yo, you gotta rewire my brain and make it awesome.

01:59:57.000 Yeah, I gotta do it all the way for me. 1.00

01:59:59.000 I'm tired of having this lazy ass bitch ass brain. 1.00

02:00:03.000 That's a problem, man. 1.00

02:00:04.000 If people don't get their brains rewired in some way, shape, or form, if you're a lazy fuck, it's very difficult to wake up one day and go, I'm not going to be a lazy fuck. 1.00

02:00:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:13.000 It's hard.

02:00:14.000 Yeah, if you don't get early going, I have lazy tendencies.

02:00:17.000 Yeah, we all do.

02:00:18.000 And it's one of the reasons why I'm not lazy at all.

02:00:21.000 Because I'm terrified.

02:00:21.000 Push against it.

02:00:22.000 I don't like it.

02:00:23.000 I don't like that part of me.

02:00:24.000 That's why I don't have cable.

02:00:25.000 I know I could watch TV all day.

02:00:27.000 Good move.

02:00:28.000 I'm never getting rid of mine.

02:00:30.000 Really?

02:00:30.000 I like coming home.

02:00:31.000 I'm going right to internet.

02:00:32.000 I like, if I work, especially if I do a show, the show goes well, everything's great, I listen to set on the way home, I know the new bits I'm working on, I don't have a responsibility as far as writing, and I don't like to write too late at night.

02:00:43.000 And then you watch cable when you get home.

02:00:45.000 Yeah, I write late at night, but only if I am home.

02:00:48.000 I don't go out and then come back and write, because I feel like I'm tired.

02:00:52.000 So I like to relax.

02:00:53.000 Yeah, sure.

02:00:53.000 Sit in front of TV. I'll download TV. I just won't have cable so I can have it all the time.

02:00:58.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

02:00:59.000 I'll still watch the shows I watch.

02:01:00.000 Yeah, you could get everything now on Apple TV, Hulu, Netflix.

02:01:03.000 Yeah, but then when it's done, you don't automatically, like, oh, this next show's started.

02:01:06.000 I guess I'm watching this now, too.

02:01:07.000 Can you get Cosmos?

02:01:09.000 Yeah.

02:01:09.000 Can you get, like, all the regular shows?

02:01:10.000 Yeah, Cosmos on Netflix.

02:01:11.000 The good rule of thumb is you can get anything that's ever been made.

02:01:14.000 Really?

02:01:15.000 So if it's in that group...

02:01:16.000 You can pretty much get it.

02:01:17.000 So you don't need a TV anymore that's hooked up to cable.

02:01:20.000 You just need a good internet connection.

02:01:21.000 Yeah, and a news server.

02:01:22.000 The only bad thing that you'll run into is live local TV, which you can now find.

02:01:28.000 Sports is a problem.

02:01:29.000 Go to a bar and see that.

02:01:30.000 That's the way to be seen. 1.00

02:01:31.000 FirstRowSports.eu is fucking garbage. 1.00

02:01:33.000 It skips constantly and cuts out. 1.00

02:01:35.000 Today in Pasadena, a young man came home to find another man sleeping in his bed. 0.99

02:01:41.000 That fucking type of talk, that news type guy. 0.99

02:01:44.000 What is that? 1.00

02:01:45.000 They have to die. 1.00

02:01:46.000 Not die, as in physically, but die off. 1.00

02:01:49.000 That business. 1.00

02:01:50.000 That fucking news business. 0.99

02:01:52.000 Now with Chromecast, though, and Apple TV, you can just stream from your phone, like NBC.com, so you can watch the local news streamed to your Apple TV anyway, so it doesn't even matter. 0.99

02:02:04.000 Is there any bigger dinosaur in our culture than the local news show?

02:02:08.000 Is there any bigger dinosaur than the 5 o'clock news?

02:02:11.000 Today, President Obama met with Egypt. 1.00

02:02:14.000 You're not going to say shit. 0.99

02:02:15.000 You're not going to say anything. 1.00

02:02:16.000 You're not going to say shit. 1.00

02:02:17.000 We all know. 1.00

02:02:17.000 No, we don't all know. 1.00

02:02:18.000 You're in with the government. 1.00

02:02:20.000 You're not going to say shit. 0.99

02:02:21.000 On top of that, you've got three minutes. 1.00

02:02:23.000 You've got three minutes.

02:02:24.000 You've got to bounce around to five different things.

02:02:26.000 You know what somebody pointed out that was so scary about the government?

02:02:28.000 You know how Bush was like, I can't let you show the caskets coming back?

02:02:32.000 Yeah.

02:02:33.000 And then Obama's like, okay, guys, we're going to stop that.

02:02:35.000 You're allowed to show them.

02:02:36.000 And now they just don't show them.

02:02:39.000 Out of just fear.

02:02:41.000 So the news just doesn't show them.

02:02:42.000 They just don't on their own.

02:02:44.000 So whatever was told to them is like... 0.99

02:02:46.000 What do you think about all the shit that's going on in Iraq? 0.99

02:02:49.000 Do you know what's happening in Iraq? 1.00

02:02:51.000 Yeah.

02:02:51.000 Jihadists are taking over Iraq again.

02:02:52.000 Yeah, as soon as we left.

02:02:54.000 How crazy is that?

02:02:55.000 It was a vacuum that we made.

02:02:58.000 It's not our fights, man.

02:02:59.000 I know it's not our fights, but what a disaster.

02:03:01.000 What a disaster.

02:03:02.000 We did nothing to help them.

02:03:03.000 What could you do?

02:03:04.000 Just stay there forever? 1.00

02:03:06.000 We're running shit now. 0.99

02:03:07.000 No, and that's not what you want to be. 1.00

02:03:08.000 Then you're an occupying force.

02:03:09.000 That's the move.

02:03:11.000 Dick Cheney's right.

02:03:13.000 It's obviously the move.

02:03:14.000 You can't let the jihadists take it.

02:03:16.000 You want a jihadist state run by jihadists? 0.60

02:03:18.000 What about the children?

02:03:19.000 I'll tell you one thing.

02:03:21.000 Please do.

02:03:22.000 So they had this thing they were going to do in China.

02:03:23.000 They were going to put chips in one of the computers so that you couldn't go on VPNs.

02:03:26.000 So you couldn't go on the stuff they didn't allow.

02:03:29.000 And the people got really mad about it. 0.99

02:03:31.000 They were like, it's fucking ridiculous. 0.99

02:03:33.000 They didn't uprise, but they were all upset. 0.99

02:03:37.000 And the government was like, alright, alright, alright, we won't do it.

02:03:40.000 Whoa, they were worried.

02:03:41.000 Yeah.

02:03:41.000 Whereas here, that's just something we were going to do and not tell anyone.

02:03:46.000 Yeah.

02:03:46.000 Until Snowden told us.

02:03:48.000 But that's just something we were...

02:03:49.000 They at least ran it by their people.

02:03:50.000 We were just going to do it in secrecy.

02:03:53.000 Force the companies to do exactly that.

02:03:55.000 Isn't that interesting when that happens?

02:03:56.000 Yeah.

02:03:57.000 Did you see that thing that...

02:03:58.000 So when you talk about, like, ultimate freedoms, it's like, eh, I don't know.

02:04:02.000 I don't know which one's worse.

02:04:04.000 Joe, you want to get really freaked out?

02:04:05.000 I just found this out by PDC. You know, you remember PD. If you go into your security on your...

02:04:11.000 Your privacy on your phone...

02:04:12.000 Yeah.

02:04:13.000 And then you go down to location services.

02:04:16.000 You click on location services.

02:04:18.000 Then you go all the way down to system services.

02:04:24.000 And then you go down to frequent locations.

02:04:26.000 Then it'll just say, like, it'll show your history.

02:04:29.000 And let's just say, we'll click on Los Angeles, nine locations recorded, and it's just showing locations that I've been in the last nine days, the exact address I've been in.

02:04:40.000 Like where you're driving around.

02:04:42.000 Suzo, Jiangsu, one location.

02:04:43.000 No, locations that I've hung out at, like I went to.

02:04:45.000 Shanghai, New York, four locations.

02:04:47.000 Is it places where you stopped and made a call?

02:04:49.000 No, where I stopped and it just shows that I wasn't driving anymore, like I hung out.

02:04:53.000 It shows exact dots on a map of New York.

02:04:55.000 That's crazy.

02:04:56.000 It's like the exact map, the exact addresses of places I've been.

02:05:01.000 How do people not know about this?

02:05:03.000 I'm just finding out about it on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast.

02:05:06.000 Can you shut that off?

02:05:06.000 Can you shut it off?

02:05:07.000 You can turn it off.

02:05:08.000 And now what Apple is saying that you use it for is that it will automatically become smart.

02:05:15.000 Your maps are smart.

02:05:17.000 Maps are smart.

02:05:18.000 Not if you're running from the law.

02:05:20.000 Yeah, right.

02:05:21.000 And that's why if you use different things like Google Home versus your trip to...

02:05:28.000 Pasadena Ice House right now is 20 minutes.

02:05:30.000 I'm like, why are you telling me this?

02:05:31.000 Have you seen that? 0.99

02:05:33.000 It's done shit like that. 0.99

02:05:34.000 It's the same thing. 0.97

02:05:35.000 It's just to improve maps and And things like that.

02:05:37.000 So that's why you can turn it off.

02:05:39.000 Unless the government gets a hold of it and finds out the warehouse where you're storing the drugs.

02:05:44.000 Right.

02:05:45.000 Right?

02:05:45.000 Isn't that crazy, Ari?

02:05:46.000 Where you're storing the drugs.

02:05:47.000 Oh, yeah, exactly.

02:05:48.000 Well, if you're going to the drug house, don't bring your phone.

02:05:50.000 Don't bring your phone.

02:05:51.000 Exactly.

02:05:51.000 Get a burner phone from 7-Eleven.

02:05:53.000 Well, he stopped here four times.

02:05:54.000 Let's go check that out.

02:05:55.000 Get one of them flip phones from Ting.

02:05:56.000 God, that's a good point.

02:05:57.000 Here's all those jellyfish.

02:05:58.000 Check out how many are on the beach right here.

02:06:01.000 This is Steve-O. Sombrero!

02:06:05.000 I hope I never did that.

02:06:07.000 Look at all those jellyfish.

02:06:09.000 He's got to put a sombrero.

02:06:10.000 It dangers my business, and business is good.

02:06:14.000 It dangers my business, and business is good.

02:06:17.000 He has so many jellyfish.

02:06:23.000 He's going to throw the jellyfish on his head.

02:06:36.000 Do you think that just feels weird or hurts?

02:06:38.000 I don't know because if it's...

02:06:38.000 It's hurting.

02:06:39.000 I think it probably just feels...

02:06:41.000 It looks like it just feels weird.

02:06:42.000 I don't know.

02:06:43.000 Oh my god, look at the size of that thing.

02:06:49.000 Oh, he hit him with the tentacles. 1.00

02:06:50.000 Oh, damn. 1.00

02:06:51.000 Oh, he's in pain. 1.00

02:06:52.000 Yeah.

02:06:54.000 Oh yeah, he's probably cut.

02:06:57.000 He's got it. 0.99

02:06:58.000 He's so crazy. 0.99

02:07:01.000 He's putting on his back. 0.97

02:07:04.000 And then he's in agony, screaming and running.

02:07:07.000 Oh my god.

02:07:11.000 Hands him back around fire.

02:07:13.000 Oh my god, he's just running around in agony.

02:07:16.000 What does it say afterwards?

02:07:18.000 Nothing sucks on my channel, so subscribe here. 0.97

02:07:22.000 And if you haven't seen my incredible paparazzi prank I filmed with Okay, you can kill that. 0.99

02:07:28.000 Jesus Christ, you just lost me, pal. 0.98

02:07:30.000 I loved you and then I hated you all in one video.

02:07:33.000 YouTube Stevo.

02:07:34.000 Wow. 0.99

02:07:35.000 What a crazy guy. 0.99

02:07:37.000 Well, he's a better man than I. Yeah. 0.98

02:07:41.000 It's not happening.

02:07:42.000 He's just always willing to go for it.

02:07:43.000 The grossness and the snort of wasabi. 1.00

02:07:46.000 Yeah, fuck all that, man. 1.00

02:07:47.000 This guy crazy. 1.00

02:07:49.000 I just can't imagine. 0.90

02:07:51.000 I can't imagine someone would actually want to do that. 0.98

02:07:53.000 That seems like a fucking terrible idea. 0.97

02:07:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:07:56.000 But we watched it, so he wins. 0.99

02:07:58.000 Right?

02:07:59.000 He wins.

02:08:00.000 That's what his objective has achieved.

02:08:02.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:08:03.000 It was cool.

02:08:03.000 It was worth watching.

02:08:04.000 By the way, my Storyteller show is recording September 9th and 8th. 0.99

02:08:07.000 Oh, shit. 0.98

02:08:08.000 I started working on that story. 1.00

02:08:10.000 Yeah?

02:08:10.000 Yeah.

02:08:10.000 Nice.

02:08:12.000 I got that bitch tightened up now. 1.00

02:08:14.000 Cool. 0.99

02:08:14.000 So far it's you, Diaz, Big J, Kreischer's in. 0.99

02:08:18.000 Nice.

02:08:18.000 TJ Miller's in.

02:08:19.000 They're trying to get Joan Rivers to do it. 1.00

02:08:21.000 Oh, snap. 0.99

02:08:22.000 Yeah.

02:08:22.000 That'd be fun.

02:08:23.000 That'd be very cool.

02:08:25.000 Yeah.

02:08:25.000 That's interesting.

02:08:27.000 Yeah.

02:08:27.000 Going after a few cool people too.

02:08:29.000 Yeah.

02:08:30.000 So, doing your show, man, that was really fun.

02:08:34.000 Yeah?

02:08:34.000 You liked it?

02:08:34.000 Yeah.

02:08:35.000 Loved it.

02:08:35.000 I loved the setup that it was in Cheetahs, which is like a dingy strip club in LA. Yeah, you get this vibe just going into it.

02:08:41.000 That's what we did in Montreal the first time.

02:08:42.000 We're doing it again this year, actually, in Montreal. 0.93

02:08:44.000 But it's upstairs in this tranny strip club. 0.99

02:08:46.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:08:46.000 So you walk up the stairs, you just feel like darker. 0.96

02:08:48.000 And then no matter what's said, it's like, go for it.

02:08:51.000 I've already been anesthetized against this. 0.99

02:08:53.000 You're in a tranny strip club. 1.00

02:08:54.000 You're not allowed to say tranny anymore, by the way. 1.00

02:08:55.000 Yeah, it's transgender. 0.97

02:08:56.000 What? 0.81

02:08:56.000 Yep. 0.81

02:08:57.000 Yep. 1.00

02:08:57.000 It's like saying fag. 1.00

02:08:59.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

02:08:59.000 Oh, really? 1.00

02:09:00.000 Yep.

02:09:01.000 But you can still call cabbies.

02:09:03.000 Cabbies?

02:09:04.000 Cab drivers?

02:09:04.000 They're going to get upset now, too.

02:09:05.000 No, they're okay for now.

02:09:06.000 So we've got to use it up while we can.

02:09:08.000 In the future, it'll be one of those things where it's like, you know, like Tom Sawyer, they don't say...

02:09:13.000 You can't say Jew in the future.

02:09:16.000 The word nigger, they took it out of Tom Sawyer. 0.85

02:09:17.000 They took it out of Huckleberry Finn. 0.76

02:09:19.000 I was just thinking about that.

02:09:20.000 That's the problem with people going, well, that's certainly certain lines.

02:09:23.000 That you shouldn't, people shouldn't listen to it.

02:09:25.000 I'm like, no, you just shouldn't listen to it.

02:09:26.000 Just turn it off.

02:09:27.000 Otherwise, you're like the exact same people that took out, that edited Huck Finn.

02:09:31.000 Yeah.

02:09:31.000 And said, no, you can't have that book in there.

02:09:33.000 You can't edit that.

02:09:34.000 I'm not saying you can't write what you write, but I'm allowed to go to the school board and try to get them to take it out of the libraries.

02:09:39.000 That's what you're doing when you contact the network and say, we want this band.

02:09:42.000 Yeah, you have to reflect the time in an accurate way because it's not about... 0.98

02:09:47.000 You're pretending that people haven't evolved socially since the 1920s or whenever the fuck they made... 0.97

02:09:52.000 Was it 18-something that he made? 0.98

02:09:53.000 Time and a place.

02:09:54.000 Yeah.

02:09:55.000 That's part of being a human being is understanding that there's a constant series of...

02:10:01.000 Changes and people grow.

02:10:03.000 Cultures evolve. 1.00

02:10:04.000 We're seeing it in front of our own fucking eyes because of the internet. 1.00

02:10:07.000 We're seeing blowback. 1.00

02:10:08.000 We're seeing people get super sensitive about shit they shouldn't get so sensitive about. 0.98

02:10:12.000 Other folks embrace it just because they want to be in and out of a fight and pick a side and look for the fat acceptance movement. 0.98

02:10:20.000 Fat acceptance.

02:10:21.000 No, I'll fight that. 1.00

02:10:22.000 No, you're going to die. 0.99

02:10:24.000 I'm not going to accept that. 1.00

02:10:25.000 You're going to die early. 1.00

02:10:26.000 It is disgusting, and you smell. 1.00

02:10:28.000 Dude, you're so out of line. 1.00

02:10:30.000 No, fuck that. 1.00

02:10:31.000 What about fat acceptance? 1.00

02:10:31.000 That's one of those where you're like, well, stop it. 1.00

02:10:33.000 Stop being like that.

02:10:34.000 What about what?

02:10:34.000 Fat acceptance.

02:10:35.000 No, I do not accept it.

02:10:38.000 No!

02:10:39.000 No!

02:10:39.000 You're so angry.

02:10:40.000 It's not even in a My Day thing. 0.98

02:10:41.000 It's gross, and you're going to die. 0.51

02:10:44.000 It's clearly unhealthy. 0.98

02:10:45.000 Stop being gross.

02:10:46.000 But isn't that another thing? 0.80

02:10:48.000 Just like a sex addiction or a gambling addiction, it's a food addiction.

02:10:52.000 I don't care what anybody says about- It fringes in the eyes of others.

02:10:56.000 It does a little bit sometimes.

02:10:57.000 On a plane, it does.

02:10:58.000 But what anybody says about the causes of it, for sure, some people have a faster metabolism.

02:11:06.000 For sure, some people can get away with eating anything.

02:11:08.000 We all know dudes who can just eat anything and they never get fat.

02:11:11.000 I'm close to one of those.

02:11:12.000 Yeah.

02:11:12.000 But we also know that if they staple your stomach, what are they doing?

02:11:17.000 They're making your stomach smaller.

02:11:18.000 That means you're taking less food.

02:11:19.000 That's it.

02:11:20.000 So it's a willpower thing.

02:11:22.000 If you start taking less, you'll need less to fill up. 1.00

02:11:24.000 This motherfucker did it. 1.00

02:11:25.000 He lost 80 pounds. 1.00

02:11:27.000 Brian?

02:11:28.000 Yeah.

02:11:28.000 Brian lost 80 pounds.

02:11:30.000 And I gained back most of it.

02:11:30.000 But he lost 80 pounds.

02:11:33.000 Same thing with Joey Diaz.

02:11:34.000 Joey Diaz lost 80 pounds.

02:11:36.000 Yeah.

02:11:37.000 He gained back...

02:11:40.000 67. Somewhere in...

02:11:41.000 I don't know.

02:11:42.000 But the idea is that if you could just get it off and keep it off.

02:11:47.000 Some guys have gotten it off and kept it off.

02:11:49.000 Yeah.

02:11:49.000 I mean, I guess there is such a thing as an addiction, but I think it's way more people just going like, well, I'm in that group.

02:11:55.000 Like, no, you ain't.

02:11:56.000 You just stop going to the diner at 345. It's also they get addicted to having certain types of foods in their body, like sugars.

02:12:04.000 There's a lot of people...

02:12:05.000 Yeah, you get used to it.

02:12:07.000 If I have enough days in a row of lots of candy, which is every day, and then if I go a day without it by 6pm, I start getting low blood sugar.

02:12:16.000 Yeah, you've got to stop eating candy.

02:12:18.000 Yeah, I'm trying to get off it.

02:12:20.000 I was doing a lot less of that in China.

02:12:23.000 You don't take caffeine in.

02:12:24.000 No, no caffeine.

02:12:25.000 It's hilarious.

02:12:26.000 Yeah.

02:12:26.000 Constantly eating sugar.

02:12:27.000 I can see the negative effect on me.

02:12:28.000 But caffeine has benefits.

02:12:30.000 Antioxidant effects, cognitive benefits.

02:12:33.000 I drink a lot of tea.

02:12:34.000 That's good.

02:12:35.000 Yeah.

02:12:35.000 That's probably better.

02:12:36.000 You get some caffeine from the tea, but they say that herbal tea is like drinking a very mild vegetable soup.

02:12:43.000 Really?

02:12:43.000 Yeah.

02:12:44.000 I see that.

02:12:44.000 There's some certain type of vegetable nutrients that you can get.

02:12:48.000 Not a lot of it.

02:12:49.000 Very watered down.

02:12:50.000 But it's actually not bad for you.

02:12:51.000 A lot of teas are actually quite good for you.

02:12:54.000 Yeah.

02:12:54.000 I see even the caffeine teas.

02:12:55.000 Really, the caffeine stays in the leaf, so it's not really coming off it into your stuff.

02:12:59.000 I never got jacked from tea.

02:13:01.000 I never drank tea, and I was like, whoa!

02:13:04.000 Once I started losing my voice, I just did a little research.

02:13:06.000 Like, what makes you lose your voice?

02:13:07.000 And one of them was caffeine.

02:13:10.000 I was like, I'm done.

02:13:11.000 I've never heard that.

02:13:13.000 I've never heard caffeine makes you lose your voice.

02:13:14.000 Anything dehydrates you in some way.

02:13:16.000 It's caffeine.

02:13:16.000 They definitely said alcohol.

02:13:17.000 They said smoking, but I'm like, look, I'll make do where I can.

02:13:20.000 Dave Foley used to drink pots of coffee.

02:13:24.000 Really?

02:13:25.000 Pots.

02:13:26.000 He said he pretty much ran that show, top to bottom.

02:13:29.000 Dave Foley didn't pretty much run the show.

02:13:32.000 Paul Sims definitely ran the show.

02:13:34.000 He was the guy who produced it and created it.

02:13:35.000 But Dave Foley was what I would call a secret producer, an uncredited producer.

02:13:40.000 He just took control of it.

02:13:41.000 Well, he was just really good at creating sketches because of Kids in the Hall.

02:13:45.000 Oh, so good.

02:13:45.000 Really good at creating...

02:13:46.000 Oh, I saw them live somewhere.

02:13:47.000 Oh, yeah, you tell me.

02:13:49.000 He was really good at creating moments.

02:13:51.000 And so Dave would see a scene, and the reason why he was able to do that was that Paul...

02:13:58.000 Like, he saw that that was a benefit.

02:14:00.000 They had super healthy egos about that stuff.

02:14:03.000 Like, they would let us...

02:14:04.000 We could ad-lib all the time.

02:14:06.000 Especially for the first four years.

02:14:07.000 We did a lot of ad-libbing.

02:14:08.000 And Dave Foley was a big part of that.

02:14:11.000 Like, restructuring entire scenes.

02:14:13.000 The first four years of the meeting before?

02:14:14.000 Before Phil died.

02:14:15.000 Yeah.

02:14:16.000 Yeah.

02:14:16.000 But Dave, you know, he just had a great sense of it.

02:14:20.000 And it was just a really open sort of an environment where they allowed, like Andy Dick, you know, they allowed him to be him.

02:14:28.000 They allowed him to open up and expand.

02:14:30.000 He got set him loose.

02:14:31.000 Yeah, expand the character. 0.92

02:14:32.000 He would have these moments, and he would add a bunch of things to the moment to make them more ridiculous and preposterous.

02:14:38.000 And we would add things to each other.

02:14:40.000 I would occasionally write for Vicki Lewis.

02:14:43.000 I could see how she would make something really funny.

02:14:45.000 And so we would do it for each other.

02:14:48.000 She might suggest something to me, and she would see your character from an outside point of view.

02:14:54.000 I'd say something like that.

02:14:55.000 Yeah.

02:14:55.000 Oh, yeah, that would work.

02:14:56.000 Well, it was a weird environment.

02:14:59.000 Camaraderie, huh?

02:14:59.000 Yeah, it was a great camaraderie.

02:15:01.000 It was a great cast.

02:15:02.000 It was a really good show, man.

02:15:03.000 And Sims, a great show.

02:15:05.000 There was, like, straight actors, too. 0.98

02:15:08.000 Like Steven Rue, who's fucking hilarious.

02:15:11.000 But he essentially would just take the lines and go into his character and then, you know, like, create that Jimmy James character. 0.55

02:15:17.000 I was talking about the other day how great he was in, like, Office Space.

02:15:19.000 And, like, you forget about him.

02:15:21.000 Dude's great on everything. 0.99

02:15:22.000 He's a fucking great guy, too. 0.99

02:15:24.000 And he goes serious, too, a lot. 0.99

02:15:26.000 He gave a million dollars to some charity.

02:15:28.000 You're like, how good did he do in his career?

02:15:29.000 He gave a million dollars to some charity.

02:15:30.000 Did he really?

02:15:31.000 Yeah.

02:15:31.000 Wow.

02:15:32.000 That's what Renazisi said.

02:15:34.000 Renazisi might have made that up.

02:15:35.000 Yeah, it might have been $20.

02:15:37.000 I could see him doing that, though.

02:15:39.000 He's such a nice guy.

02:15:40.000 If he really had a lot of money laying around, he might do it.

02:15:43.000 Something he cared about?

02:15:44.000 He's a very interesting, real artist.

02:15:47.000 That's how I describe Stephen Root when it comes to being an actor.

02:15:49.000 He's a real artist.

02:15:50.000 Some of them are into it like that.

02:15:53.000 He's legit.

02:15:54.000 Plus, you couldn't say anything bad about the guy as a person.

02:15:57.000 He's a very, very nice person.

02:15:59.000 Always a very nice person.

02:16:00.000 But the most impressive actor was Maura Tierney.

02:16:04.000 Why?

02:16:04.000 Because I didn't even know she was acting sometimes.

02:16:06.000 Like, we'd be doing a scene together. 0.99

02:16:07.000 Like, sometimes we'd fuck off in the middle of scenes. 0.98

02:16:09.000 People would joke around. 0.98

02:16:10.000 And she'd get back into the scene, and she was so good.

02:16:13.000 Like, you couldn't tell that she was acting sometimes, if that makes any sense.

02:16:16.000 Yeah.

02:16:17.000 Like, her ability to act...

02:16:19.000 You know, I never even took acting classes.

02:16:22.000 I took a couple lessons, some private lessons that Disney made me take with this really crazy lady who was trying to get me to leverage her to be my mom in a sitcom. 0.99

02:16:32.000 They created a sitcom.

02:16:33.000 Oh, really? 0.87

02:16:33.000 Oh, she was so crazy. 0.87

02:16:34.000 I did it because they made me do it.

02:16:36.000 I took these acting classes.

02:16:37.000 She tried to get you to put her in it? 0.98

02:16:39.000 Yeah, it was humiliating too.

02:16:40.000 It was such an uncomfortable scenario.

02:16:45.000 They hired her to do it, but she was really weird with me.

02:16:49.000 She wanted in. 0.99

02:16:49.000 Well, she said weird shit to me too. 0.99

02:16:51.000 She's like, I'm worried you're going to go over there and you're going to fail. 1.00

02:16:53.000 Oh, that's what I put in my head. 1.00

02:16:55.000 Yeah, but I'm not good at that shit. 0.99

02:16:57.000 You know, because people played head games with me all throughout my childhood in fights. 0.99

02:17:01.000 Like, that would be at the weigh-ins. 0.99

02:17:04.000 People would say weird head game shit to you when you were weighing in. 0.99

02:17:06.000 Like, what's it going to be like when I knock you out? 0.99

02:17:08.000 Oh, that's not going to happen, so don't worry about it.

02:17:10.000 Have a nice night.

02:17:12.000 I'll see you in a few minutes, okay? 1.00

02:17:13.000 And I'm going to kick you in your fucking face. 1.00

02:17:14.000 Dudes would say shit like that to each other. 1.00

02:17:16.000 So when you knew that you were going to have a fucking kickboxing match and then you're talking shit to somebody at the weigh-ins, the difference between that and some lady who's an acting coach trying to tell me that she thinks I'm going to go over there, I'm worried you're going to go over there and you're going to fail. 1.00

02:17:30.000 I'm like, well, you don't need to worry about that. 1.00

02:17:32.000 And don't talk to me like this.

02:17:33.000 This is some gross, passive-aggressive, like, why are you worried that I'm going to fail?

02:17:37.000 Because I got something that you never got? 1.00

02:17:39.000 Like, shut up. 1.00

02:17:40.000 This is a stupid way of talking to people. 1.00

02:17:42.000 You don't ever say, I'm worried you're going to go over there and fail. 1.00

02:17:44.000 Yeah, what is that?

02:17:45.000 I'm not the best actor in the world.

02:17:47.000 I've never been.

02:17:48.000 But I know how to do it.

02:17:50.000 It's not that hard.

02:17:51.000 When you're acting sitcom style, you pretend that it's really happening.

02:17:55.000 So when I'm doing that, I'm like...

02:17:57.000 I know what I'm doing here. 0.99

02:17:58.000 I was never watching you on news radio going, Jesus, man, fucking do the line again. 0.99

02:18:03.000 It's not that hard. 0.99

02:18:04.000 Yeah.

02:18:04.000 But it was also good writing is the most important thing because news radio had- It's hard when it's really shitty writing.

02:18:10.000 It had perfect writing at many times.

02:18:13.000 It was like the best written shows, by far, the best written thing that I was ever a part of.

02:18:18.000 But I was on a bad show before that.

02:18:20.000 This Fox show was terrible.

02:18:22.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:18:22.000 Yeah, the baseball show was diggity-diggity dog shit! 1.00

02:18:25.000 It was so bad! 1.00

02:18:27.000 And so that's way harder to do.

02:18:29.000 When you do a show like NewsRadio, it's easy to be good.

02:18:31.000 Yeah.

02:18:31.000 Because the writing's so good.

02:18:32.000 Yeah, so you get into it more.

02:18:33.000 The idea's good.

02:18:34.000 They let you say, like, I'm going to change these lines a little bit.

02:18:38.000 This sounds more like I'd say...

02:18:40.000 If you let someone be involved...

02:18:42.000 I think this is where Paul Sims was a genius.

02:18:44.000 Not just in the fact that he's a really good writer, but he also recognized that if you let someone...

02:18:48.000 We're good to go.

02:19:04.000 He's one of those guys, man.

02:19:06.000 He's been on the podcast before talking about the problems that he's had in divorce and alimony and child support and stuff like that.

02:19:13.000 He's one of those guys that, when I think about the fact that he might have been derailed in a lot of ways because of this horrible relationship that he...

02:19:34.000 Second worst relationship on that show.

02:19:36.000 The second worst.

02:19:38.000 Yeah, he had the second worst.

02:19:39.000 Phil had the worst.

02:19:41.000 That was the other thing you get used to.

02:19:42.000 You get used to seeing all these people interact with other people of their ilk, and that's where I developed my no headshots policy.

02:19:48.000 It's very important.

02:19:50.000 You always tell us about that.

02:19:52.000 Seeing actors interacting with other actors, and they're both crazy, and they're both trying to work it out.

02:19:57.000 It was just too much chaos.

02:19:59.000 Too much chaos there with famous people trying to hang out with other wanting-to-be-famous people or other famous people.

02:20:05.000 It's very weird, huh?

02:20:07.000 There's also the weird dynamic if only one of you is successful.

02:20:10.000 And you're both in the same business.

02:20:12.000 Not good, dude.

02:20:12.000 Not good.

02:20:14.000 I've had friends that were successful, but they dated unsuccessful actresses, and the unsuccessful actresses would always try to get them to mention them to a casting director.

02:20:23.000 Did you talk about me? 0.92

02:20:25.000 Because that movie, he's casting that movie, and I am fucking perfect for that part. 0.84

02:20:28.000 He doesn't know that I'm perfect for that part, but you have to tell him. 1.00

02:20:31.000 I've seen that shit. 1.00

02:20:32.000 Is it? 1.00

02:20:33.000 No, because you're not.

02:20:34.000 Yeah.

02:20:34.000 Or the other way, it's even crazier when it's a chick and the chick's making mad money and on TV in front of the camera.

02:20:39.000 And then she's like, do something with your life.

02:20:41.000 It's that Weasley dude that's behind her sweaty, holding her hands.

02:20:44.000 And what do you do, Tom?

02:20:46.000 I'm a producer of sorts.

02:20:47.000 Well, I'm working on the script right now.

02:20:50.000 It's kind of a romantic comedy involving my wife and another man.

02:20:55.000 You know, that's all I got.

02:20:56.000 Yeah.

02:20:57.000 Yeah.

02:20:58.000 The dominant female.

02:21:00.000 The dominant female star with the beta male.

02:21:03.000 The beta male behind her.

02:21:05.000 Hanging in there, clinging.

02:21:06.000 People tell you it's normal.

02:21:07.000 It's totally normal.

02:21:08.000 It's totally normal. 0.99

02:21:10.000 Bitch, that ain't normal. 1.00

02:21:12.000 Yeah, it's not normal. 1.00

02:21:13.000 You need to get some enlightenment.

02:21:17.000 Sorry.

02:21:18.000 People, like, the yin and the yang of relationships.

02:21:20.000 Very difficult.

02:21:21.000 I've seen so many, like, cool relationships that at some point became...

02:21:26.000 Death.

02:21:27.000 No, they just, the girl turns and they go, what are you doing?

02:21:30.000 I mean, you gotta get a better job.

02:21:31.000 You gotta do it.

02:21:32.000 It's like, why?

02:21:33.000 Because you're getting a better job?

02:21:35.000 Yeah.

02:21:36.000 Wow, but it gets in the way.

02:21:38.000 That's their breeding. 0.67

02:21:40.000 Well, it's also you hanging around with comics.

02:21:41.000 Yeah, and it's like, yeah, I'm gonna struggle for a while.

02:21:44.000 Well, there's a lot of comics that they get married and the girl wants to have a baby, and she worries, how are you going to be able to feed the baby?

02:21:50.000 I don't know. 0.98

02:21:51.000 Why'd you get involved with a fucking broke comic? 0.98

02:21:53.000 What'd you think he was going to do? 0.99

02:21:54.000 Suddenly be a banker?

02:21:55.000 Okay, Ari, you can't help who you fall in love with.

02:21:59.000 You can't help who you fall in love with, and I fell in love with you, okay? 0.99

02:22:03.000 I'm fucking sorry. 0.95

02:22:03.000 I wish it didn't happen, but it did. 0.95

02:22:05.000 It's a spell.

02:22:07.000 It's a magic spell.

02:22:09.000 Well, what I fell in love with you was your love for abortion, and now things are changing.

02:22:13.000 Oh my goodness.

02:22:14.000 How dare you?

02:22:15.000 That's the perfect thing to say right there.

02:22:18.000 How dare the perfect thing to say?

02:22:19.000 Yeah, if you talk to someone and you're dating them and you know this is never going anywhere, and they're like thoroughly opposed to abortion, you're like, eeks.

02:22:27.000 Yeah.

02:22:28.000 This could end ugly.

02:22:29.000 Yeah.

02:22:30.000 This could end the worst way. 0.99

02:22:31.000 Because unfortunately, Patrice had a fucking great joke about that. 1.00

02:22:36.000 What? 0.97

02:22:36.000 Patrice had a great joke about people getting mad that you don't want to have the same kind of relationship they have. 0.97

02:22:43.000 He was a prophet.

02:22:48.000 And, you know, you want to be the president of General Motors.

02:22:51.000 Well, the president of General Motors, that job's not available. 1.00

02:22:54.000 But the job is available that I come over to your house at 2 o'clock in the morning, drink your last Snapple, and you suck my dick. 1.00

02:23:01.000 That job's available. 1.00

02:23:02.000 Like, that position's available.

02:23:03.000 That's the only position that's available.

02:23:05.000 Take it or leave it.

02:23:06.000 So you tell me whether you want this position.

02:23:07.000 Like, don't, like, if that's the kind of relationship.

02:23:13.000 He goes, that's the kind of relationship we have.

02:23:16.000 You know, you can't get mad at me that I don't want to make it something different.

02:23:20.000 Yeah.

02:23:20.000 This is what I have open for you.

02:23:22.000 I call this girl in some city that I'd hooked up with here or there.

02:23:24.000 I met her in Bray at one of your shows, actually.

02:23:26.000 Yeah, real cool.

02:23:30.000 And we've done it on and on for a few years.

02:23:33.000 Oh, yeah.

02:23:34.000 And then I found her in some city.

02:23:35.000 She was living there now.

02:23:36.000 And she was like, actually, I got a boyfriend now.

02:23:38.000 I was like, you want to hang out?

02:23:40.000 Because, you know, I'll hang out sometimes.

02:23:41.000 And she goes, you don't have to.

02:23:43.000 I mean, honestly, our relationship is only ever like that one thing.

02:23:46.000 And I was like, yeah, you're right.

02:23:48.000 It was.

02:23:49.000 Wow.

02:23:49.000 So best of luck to you.

02:23:50.000 So you offered to just hang out and be like a nice guy?

02:23:52.000 No. 0.99

02:23:52.000 First I offered to hang out and then also sex. 0.99

02:23:55.000 But I don't spell that out.

02:23:56.000 I was also born in that city.

02:23:57.000 Oh, I see.

02:23:58.000 So you felt like if you got close to her and you were hanging out together, sex would probably happen.

02:24:03.000 Sure, it would.

02:24:03.000 But I was also lonely in that city.

02:24:05.000 I was like, hey, there's some new movie out this week.

02:24:07.000 You want to go see it?

02:24:08.000 And then, yeah, you don't have to say, obviously. 1.00

02:24:10.000 We're going to fuck later. 1.00

02:24:11.000 Look at their music playing, bro. 1.00

02:24:12.000 What's the music sound like?

02:24:13.000 Like a Cat Stevens song.

02:24:15.000 Oh, nice.

02:24:16.000 Cats in the crater in the sea.

02:24:18.000 Sing about my dad?

02:24:19.000 Little boy blue and a man blue.

02:24:24.000 That was the hold music they played when Homer lost his child and couldn't find Bart.

02:24:28.000 So it was like missing persons and they start playing that for the hold music.

02:24:30.000 Oh God.

02:24:30.000 He starts crying.

02:24:32.000 Wow.

02:24:33.000 That's rough.

02:24:35.000 Yeah.

02:24:36.000 I read something.

02:24:38.000 It was like advice to men.

02:24:39.000 It was like all these different.

02:24:40.000 And one of them was one of the pieces of advice, never go back with an ex.

02:24:44.000 Why?

02:24:44.000 She doesn't really want you anymore.

02:24:46.000 Yeah, there's a reason it didn't work out.

02:24:48.000 She doesn't really want you anymore. 0.97

02:24:48.000 I'm like, God, that's so generalizing. 0.97

02:24:50.000 Because how many times have you gotten back with an ex and had the best sex in the history of the fucking universe? 0.99

02:24:57.000 We don't see each other for a long fucking time. 0.99

02:24:59.000 It should just be like, be careful with your heart with an ex. 0.99

02:25:01.000 Your heart. 1.00

02:25:02.000 Who the fuck are you? 1.00

02:25:03.000 What have you done with Ari? 1.00

02:25:05.000 Jesus Christ, what is this?

02:25:07.000 You blew it, mister! 1.00

02:25:08.000 You're like fucking Clayface from Batman. 1.00

02:25:10.000 You're pretending to be Ari. 1.00

02:25:12.000 East Coast now with his emotions. 1.00

02:25:14.000 I'll get rain on you, you bitch, and you'll turn back into Clayface. 1.00

02:25:17.000 I fall in love every once in a while. 1.00

02:25:19.000 God, who the fuck are you? 1.00

02:25:20.000 What have you done with Ari? 1.00

02:25:22.000 Jesus Christ.

02:25:24.000 Are you in love right now, Ari?

02:25:25.000 No.

02:25:25.000 Tell me about your soul.

02:25:29.000 It's pretty right now.

02:25:30.000 Yeah, so what were you about to say when I'm so rudely interrupted?

02:25:33.000 I don't even know.

02:25:34.000 Something about your feelings. 1.00

02:25:35.000 You're stupid. 1.00

02:25:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:36.000 Oh, I was like, just be careful. 1.00

02:25:37.000 Yeah, if you get back with it.

02:25:38.000 Careful with your heart.

02:25:39.000 They're going to hurt you again.

02:25:40.000 Is that what you said? 0.91

02:25:40.000 If it's about sex, yeah. 0.91

02:25:41.000 Said careful with your heart?

02:25:42.000 Yeah.

02:25:43.000 Jesus Christ.

02:25:44.000 You should write songs.

02:25:45.000 You should write songs.

02:25:46.000 I don't know how to rhyme.

02:25:47.000 Otherwise I'd do it.

02:25:48.000 I would love to see you like swaying back and forth in front of a microphone.

02:25:51.000 Do that cricket dance?

02:25:52.000 Yeah, singing like a real serious song.

02:25:54.000 What's that song?

02:25:55.000 Hey there, Delilah. 1.00

02:25:56.000 Yeah.

02:25:57.000 Are you singing like a real serious song?

02:25:59.000 Like maybe like Counting Crows style?

02:26:02.000 Yeah.

02:26:03.000 You know, be careful with your hearts.

02:26:08.000 Yeah, emote.

02:26:09.000 Really emote with it.

02:26:10.000 No, man.

02:26:11.000 Some of the best times ever.

02:26:13.000 Some of the lyrics will be real quiet-y, like...

02:26:15.000 It's bad advice, right?

02:26:23.000 You know what?

02:26:24.000 It's like...

02:26:25.000 It's like saying...

02:26:28.000 There's no weirdness. 1.00

02:26:29.000 If you hang out with an ex, you're definitely fucking. 0.99

02:26:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:26:32.000 And it's probably going to be really fun.

02:26:33.000 Oh, yeah.

02:26:34.000 Freeing.

02:26:34.000 Yeah.

02:26:35.000 Be freeing.

02:26:35.000 Yeah.

02:26:36.000 Because you'll know what it is.

02:26:37.000 Yeah.

02:26:38.000 I mean, the idea that she's...

02:26:40.000 I mean, come on, man.

02:26:41.000 Oh, I miss you.

02:26:42.000 You can't generalize. 0.99

02:26:43.000 I haven't fucked you like this for a while. 0.99

02:26:44.000 Sometimes it works. 0.98

02:26:45.000 Sometimes you apologize for how it went bad.

02:26:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:26:49.000 Sometimes you fuck like wild animals. 1.00

02:26:51.000 Whew. 1.00

02:26:51.000 And then, about five hours into it, they said something that reminds you of how fucking annoying they were. 1.00

02:26:57.000 And you're like, oh my god, what am I doing? 0.88

02:26:59.000 Jill Sobily used to have a song about, if you want to prove my lack of heterosexuality, listen to Jill Sobily.

02:27:08.000 But she used to have a song about forgetting a guy's smile. 0.88

02:27:11.000 And they're like, oh yeah, that's such a great smile.

02:27:13.000 And then forgetting why she broke up with him. 0.99

02:27:14.000 And I was like, oh yeah, you tried to fuck all my friends. 0.99

02:27:17.000 That's right, I remember that part now. 0.99

02:27:19.000 But that smile will win you over again. 0.97

02:27:21.000 It's very difficult, if a girl has a nice ass, to remember all the mean things. 1.00

02:27:25.000 A girl has a great ass, and she's DTF. You're hanging out. 1.00

02:27:31.000 You're both single.

02:27:32.000 You got a couple cocktails in you.

02:27:34.000 You just happen to be in the same town.

02:27:36.000 She just touches your skin. 1.00

02:27:38.000 It's around here. 1.00

02:27:39.000 Little kissy, kissy, kissing your dick is like a goddamn crowbar. 1.00

02:27:43.000 Oh, look who's back. 1.00

02:27:44.000 Look who's back, my little boner. 1.00

02:27:46.000 Yeah, ready to fuck. 1.00

02:27:49.000 Sometimes you get a girl that can just talk to you. 1.00

02:27:51.000 And you're like, oh, there it is.

02:27:53.000 Yeah, there's certain girls that are sexier. 1.00

02:27:54.000 And I'm sure there's certain guys that are sexier, too.

02:27:57.000 I'm sure it's girls. 1.00

02:27:58.000 There's a lot of shit you and I both do that it's really fucking annoying and is a real vagina dryer. 1.00

02:28:04.000 A real fucking close the show, right? 1.00

02:28:07.000 Every guy. 0.98

02:28:08.000 For every girl that thinks what you do is hot... 0.97

02:28:12.000 First time I opened for you, I saw a girl, hot, walking across the whole, like, Faneuil Hall. 0.73

02:28:17.000 I see her crossing the hallway. 0.94

02:28:18.000 The show's over.

02:28:19.000 She's crossing from the bathrooms back there all the way. 0.99

02:28:21.000 And I'm looking at her the hallway.

02:28:22.000 And then she gets up to me.

02:28:24.000 You are wicked funny!

02:28:25.000 I almost pissed myself!

02:28:27.000 And I was like...

02:28:27.000 There it goes.

02:28:30.000 That's designed that way.

02:28:32.000 To keep them...

02:28:33.000 Yeah, nature designs it that way.

02:28:36.000 To keep them alone.

02:28:37.000 Well, to keep you from wanting to do that.

02:28:39.000 Keep you from breeding.

02:28:40.000 It's like a yellow snake.

02:28:40.000 It's like you've been enlightened.

02:28:42.000 You've escaped.

02:28:43.000 You've escaped from that East Coast area.

02:28:45.000 Speaking of enlightened, Shroomfest is here August 9th, 10th, and 11th. 0.99

02:28:48.000 Oh, shit. 0.80

02:28:49.000 Allegedly, everybody who participates participates online simultaneously. 0.99

02:28:53.000 Allegedly.

02:28:54.000 Just do mushrooms August 9th, 10th, and 11th.

02:28:56.000 Like portabella.

02:28:58.000 If you want to know how to find them, or what they're all about, I wrote a primer online you can go to.

02:29:04.000 It pretty much answers every question you've ever had about mushrooms.

02:29:07.000 If you just Google Ari Shaffir Shroomfest Primer.

02:29:09.000 Are you worried about advertising shroom press that you might be targeted by the feds?

02:29:13.000 As what?

02:29:14.000 As a shroom supporter?

02:29:16.000 No, man.

02:29:17.000 I live free.

02:29:18.000 Wow, you do live free.

02:29:20.000 Sometimes if I don't see any reason for these rules at all, I'm like, nah, we're not going to act on that. 0.99

02:29:26.000 It's the dumbest set of rules ever. 0.98

02:29:27.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:29:28.000 The fact that you go to CVS and buy a gallon of whiskey and drink yourself to death in the parking lot.

02:29:32.000 Easily.

02:29:32.000 No one can stop you.

02:29:33.000 Yeah.

02:29:34.000 The fact that that's possible.

02:29:35.000 I'm not facilitating any mushroom. 1.00

02:29:37.000 Sons of bitches. 1.00

02:29:38.000 I'm not buying it for people. 1.00

02:29:38.000 I'm just fucking... 1.00

02:29:39.000 Yeah, you're right. 0.98

02:29:40.000 Tell me, everybody. 0.99

02:29:41.000 Fucking, you should do it. 0.99

02:29:42.000 We should all do it. 1.00

02:29:43.000 Yeah.

02:29:43.000 That's how laws change anyway.

02:29:44.000 You know who shouldn't do it?

02:29:45.000 Who?

02:29:46.000 Dick Cheney.

02:29:47.000 No, he definitely should.

02:29:48.000 People under 23. And even if they do it, whatever. 0.95

02:29:53.000 That seems old.

02:29:54.000 Yeah.

02:29:56.000 I'd go younger than that.

02:29:57.000 It depends on their upbringing.

02:29:59.000 I'd say 21. Alright, 21's not bad.

02:30:01.000 I don't know.

02:30:01.000 I had some cool friends in high school that did it that always scared me.

02:30:04.000 If we're going to allow people to drink at 21, how can you not allow them to take mushrooms too?

02:30:08.000 I'd say, realistically, 16 and a half.

02:30:12.000 That's not bad.

02:30:13.000 If you have community centers where you could give these kids a dose that you know is super safe...

02:30:21.000 Even if they don't, they'll be fine.

02:30:23.000 What if the only way to get mushrooms...

02:30:25.000 I'm not saying the kids should do mushrooms, don't get me wrong.

02:30:27.000 Let's go to your counselor or something?

02:30:28.000 Joe Rogan says kids should do mushrooms.

02:30:30.000 I'm not saying they should do mushrooms, but if a 16-year-old wanted to do mushrooms...

02:30:35.000 And they just got them on their own and took them.

02:30:37.000 That could be dangerous.

02:30:37.000 And you don't know how much to take.

02:30:38.000 Absolutely.

02:30:39.000 You don't know how strong it is.

02:30:40.000 You don't know how much to take.

02:30:41.000 Don't get behind the wheel with this. 0.99

02:30:42.000 It's going to really fuck you up. 0.99

02:30:43.000 And here's the reality. 0.99

02:30:44.000 16-year-old kids will do it.

02:30:46.000 They did it when I was in high school. 0.99

02:30:47.000 There was always kids that did mushrooms and fucking listened to the wall. 0.98

02:30:51.000 You know what Vancouver's got? 0.99

02:30:51.000 I know. 0.99

02:30:52.000 In Hastings, in the fucking heroin area, they have safe shoot-up places. 0.99

02:30:56.000 That's smart. 1.00

02:30:57.000 Where you can go tell them what I'm taking.

02:30:58.000 So if you overdose, they can whatever, help you.

02:31:02.000 As best they can.

02:31:03.000 Instead of hiding it, they're going to do it.

02:31:05.000 Why are we not helping them?

02:31:06.000 So people are going to do mushrooms.

02:31:08.000 Absolutely.

02:31:08.000 You should be able to talk to your guidance counselor in high school about it.

02:31:12.000 Yeah, it's smart.

02:31:13.000 Yeah.

02:31:14.000 It's smart to regulate...

02:31:15.000 How much do you take?

02:31:16.000 No, you don't need an ounce.

02:31:17.000 Absolutely.

02:31:17.000 You need half an eighth.

02:31:18.000 Jesus Christ.

02:31:19.000 You're not taking an ounce.

02:31:20.000 You're going to take a stem. 1.00

02:31:21.000 You're crazy. 1.00

02:31:22.000 We're going to see if you freak out. 1.00

02:31:24.000 And then you're going to come back tomorrow.

02:31:25.000 We're going to talk to you about how psilocybin affects the brain.

02:31:27.000 Take a cab.

02:31:28.000 Next time, we'll take more.

02:31:29.000 Here's all the benefits of psilocybin.

02:31:30.000 Here's what they've shown.

02:31:31.000 John Hopkins University showed that people who took...

02:31:33.000 Yeah, you started that study.

02:31:34.000 Fascinating.

02:31:35.000 That's what...

02:31:35.000 If they had like...

02:31:37.000 Certain drugs that were not just legal but respected.

02:31:40.000 Like, that's the real problem with things like psychedelic drugs.

02:31:43.000 They can't make grants to research them.

02:31:44.000 Exactly.

02:31:45.000 Well, they can now.

02:31:46.000 They can now more than ever before.

02:31:47.000 They can get the rights to, and Strassman did all those studies on DMT, and then new ones on DMT. They got new ones going on right now.

02:31:54.000 I gotta do DMT eventually.

02:31:55.000 Mm-hmm.

02:31:56.000 You do, indeed.

02:31:58.000 Yes, indeedy.

02:31:59.000 But only if it's legal under the God's law.

02:32:02.000 Somebody gave me some in Winnipeg, but he freaked me out.

02:32:04.000 He was like, hey, here's what DMC says.

02:32:07.000 I was like, oh, really?

02:32:08.000 Wow.

02:32:08.000 I was like, maybe if I get the right...

02:32:09.000 And then he goes, but if you don't do it, don't give it to anyone.

02:32:12.000 Just throw it out.

02:32:12.000 I'm like, I'm out.

02:32:14.000 No way.

02:32:15.000 Jesus Christ.

02:32:16.000 The warning like that.

02:32:17.000 Don't give it to anybody.

02:32:18.000 Yeah, what does that mean?

02:32:19.000 What's in this? 1.00

02:32:20.000 Yeah, you fucking crazy asshole. 1.00

02:32:22.000 No way. 1.00

02:32:23.000 Mixed in some roofies.

02:32:24.000 He's got your phone.

02:32:25.000 He knows exactly where you are at all times. 0.99

02:32:27.000 He's got your phone's location addresses hooked up to his laptop, and he's phoning you around in a fucking bulletproof van. 0.97

02:32:34.000 Solid rubber tires like the Punisher. 0.98

02:32:36.000 Yeah.

02:32:37.000 I'm going to throw you back there. 1.00

02:32:39.000 Take you for a fuck ride. 1.00

02:32:41.000 You think you're funny, huh? 1.00

02:32:42.000 Amazing racist? 0.86

02:32:43.000 My mother's half Mexican! 1.00

02:32:45.000 Beat you. 1.00

02:32:46.000 Fucks your face while you're out cold. 1.00

02:32:48.000 Not good, dude. 1.00

02:32:49.000 Don't do it.

02:32:50.000 You're very smart.

02:32:51.000 They told me they had mushrooms in Hong Kong.

02:32:53.000 I found some people that were podcast listeners.

02:32:55.000 These musicians were out there.

02:32:56.000 And he said something because I made a joke about mushrooms.

02:32:58.000 And he goes, uh...

02:33:00.000 And he's like, oh yeah, you know, I get him out here.

02:33:01.000 I heard from the Joe Rogan Experience podcast.

02:33:03.000 Whoa.

02:33:04.000 And I was like, where do you get them out here?

02:33:05.000 He goes, they're in the woods, man. 0.99

02:33:06.000 Hong Kong has woods and it's humid as shit. 0.99

02:33:08.000 Like, how do you know what to pick? 0.99

02:33:10.000 He goes, I did a lot of research.

02:33:12.000 Yeah, you gotta know.

02:33:12.000 Cross-reference it with pictures.

02:33:15.000 McKenna talked about all the different varieties that look like psilocybin mushrooms but are super toxic.

02:33:19.000 Super poisons?

02:33:20.000 Yeah, those are like the red ones.

02:33:21.000 I'm like, I don't know, man.

02:33:22.000 That seems like a get-out warning from the plant.

02:33:24.000 Some of them, yeah, like the Amanita muscaria.

02:33:27.000 Yeah, it's like, I'm not taking any answers.

02:33:29.000 Drug dealer or nothing on that.

02:33:30.000 You know what the other problem with that Amanita muscaria one is?

02:33:32.000 What?

02:33:33.000 Never talked to a single person who had a real trip with them.

02:33:35.000 You had people taking them?

02:33:37.000 Take them and nothing happens.

02:33:38.000 It's not really a mushroom, right?

02:33:39.000 It's different than a regular mushroom.

02:33:41.000 Well, it's not psilocybin.

02:33:42.000 Right, that's what it is.

02:33:43.000 That's what it is.

02:33:44.000 It's some other...

02:33:45.000 Different psychoactive. 0.96

02:33:46.000 Yeah, and they think that the mushrooms that you're getting now, when you get an Amanita muscaria, for folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about, Google Amanita muscaria mushroom and religion.

02:33:58.000 Google religion, because it's connected to a lot of religions. 0.88

02:34:01.000 It's connected to Santa Claus.

02:34:02.000 It's supposed to be the original Santa Claus.

02:34:04.000 Just Google it and figure it out.

02:34:05.000 It's fascinating, but we've talked about it too much on the podcast to go on.

02:34:08.000 But it's apparently different than psilocybin.

02:34:11.000 It's another different type of...

02:34:14.000 But I've never heard a single person who's done it who got off on it, who had a real psychedelic experience.

02:34:20.000 I did it with Doug.

02:34:21.000 Doug and I did it on the day of the Iraq War.

02:34:25.000 Me and Doug and Jan Irvin.

02:34:27.000 Jan cooked it up and we drank this tea, but McKenna was saying that those mushrooms may be different genetically and seasonally and also in the area.

02:34:43.000 If you get cherries out of season, then it's sweet.

02:34:45.000 Yeah.

02:34:46.000 And apparently you got to catch them in the right area.

02:34:49.000 You got to get them from the right branch of this mushroom tree that's grown or whatever it is.

02:34:56.000 Mexican food in New York.

02:34:58.000 Exactly.

02:34:59.000 Something along those lines. 1.00

02:35:00.000 But the ones that we're getting today are just bullshit. 0.99

02:35:02.000 But apparently in some parts of the world, some people know how to do it right. 0.99

02:35:05.000 They're probably the ones who cultivate them on purpose since they're letting them grow.

02:35:08.000 But it's not like psilocybin. 0.99

02:35:09.000 Like psilocybin mushrooms get you off no matter where the fuck you are. 0.92

02:35:13.000 No matter who takes them, psilocybin mushrooms produce psilocybin. 0.99

02:35:16.000 That's what they are.

02:35:17.000 You know, there's stropharia cubensis.

02:35:19.000 There's a bunch of different types of these, similars. 0.99

02:35:21.000 But all of them that have psilocybin knock you into fucking Jupiter. 0.84

02:35:26.000 That doesn't work that way with the Amanita Muscaria. 0.62

02:35:28.000 So a lot of people are confused about the original use of the Amanita Muscaria.

02:35:31.000 There's all this speculation about it being attached to Christianity and all these ancient religions.

02:35:38.000 If you look at all these old cards and things from the 1800s, Santa Claus on Christmas cards.

02:35:45.000 They all had the Amanita muscari attached to it.

02:35:47.000 That mushroom was like a big part of Christian folklore and culture.

02:35:51.000 Super Mario Brothers, too.

02:35:51.000 I don't know how that got in there.

02:35:52.000 They didn't know.

02:35:53.000 No one knew.

02:35:54.000 So they just thought, like, I'll put this weird-looking mushroom in?

02:35:56.000 No one really...

02:35:57.000 It was mainstream for a small period of time in the 1970s.

02:36:01.000 Wow.

02:36:01.000 But the Catholic Church bought off the rights to the John Marco Allegro books.

02:36:04.000 Really?

02:36:05.000 Yeah.

02:36:05.000 Well, one of them's still available.

02:36:07.000 You're the worst. 1.00

02:36:07.000 You're the worst, Catholics. 1.00

02:36:09.000 The new pope's a good guy, though. 0.98

02:36:10.000 Seems like a nice guy.

02:36:12.000 Yeah, I guess.

02:36:13.000 Yeah.

02:36:18.000 This John Marco Allegro guy wrote a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross.

02:36:21.000 And the reason why it was significant is he was one of the scholars that was...

02:36:24.000 That said that's what helped start Christianity?

02:36:26.000 Yeah.

02:36:27.000 Oh, and they're like, no! 1.00

02:36:29.000 Yeah, they were like, fuck this. 0.99

02:36:30.000 So they bought up the rights. 1.00

02:36:31.000 It connected the mushrooms to Jesus and a bunch of other shit. 0.60

02:36:34.000 They bought up the rights to it, but they didn't buy up the rights to the other one, the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Christian Myth, which is even more inflammatory in its title. 0.99

02:36:41.000 Sort of like to go, hey, you can't silence me, dickheads.

02:36:43.000 I'll just write another one, and I'll write it with another company. 0.98

02:36:46.000 That's right, you can write another book.

02:36:47.000 That one you can still buy.

02:36:47.000 The Sacred Mushroom of the Cross, you have to buy, you have to get it.

02:36:51.000 Oh, actually, Jan Irving just republished it.

02:36:53.000 You can probably almost automatically illegally download it.

02:36:54.000 No, Jan Irvin started publishing it again.

02:36:57.000 Yeah, he started publishing it again a few years ago.

02:37:00.000 Before that, I have a couple copies of it, but they're all really old.

02:37:04.000 I got them from a used bookstore.

02:37:05.000 And Christianity doesn't want people knowing of that.

02:37:08.000 They didn't back then. 0.99

02:37:09.000 That's for fuck sure. 0.98

02:37:10.000 It was at Simpsons where Homer had a crayon up his nose and it went through his brain and made him super smart. 0.98

02:37:14.000 And he came up with a proof that there's no such thing as God.

02:37:18.000 And he gave it to his next door neighbor, Smithers.

02:37:20.000 Smithers?

02:37:21.000 Yeah.

02:37:21.000 No, not Smithers.

02:37:22.000 What is his name?

02:37:22.000 No.

02:37:23.000 Who's Smithers?

02:37:24.000 No, what?

02:37:25.000 Mr. Burns.

02:37:25.000 Flanders.

02:37:26.000 Flanders.

02:37:26.000 Thank you.

02:37:27.000 Flanders, there you go.

02:37:28.000 Yeah, he goes, well, that can't be true.

02:37:30.000 And he's like, oh, that, yeah, that, oh, wow.

02:37:33.000 And he goes, well, we can't let this get out.

02:37:34.000 He burns it immediately.

02:37:36.000 Wow.

02:37:37.000 It's like, well, we can't let there be a proof for no God. 0.99

02:37:40.000 Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they would do. 0.99

02:37:43.000 Like, what if they found today? 0.98

02:37:45.000 Like, what if they found incontrovertible evidence?

02:37:48.000 If the Catholic Church found incontrovertible evidence that Christianity was designed by aliens to keep people in line until they landed?

02:37:57.000 They have to bury it.

02:37:58.000 I'll give you an analogy.

02:38:00.000 Yeah, what if they found, like, one of those, like, Obi-Wan, help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope.

02:38:05.000 They hit some thing.

02:38:06.000 I'm about to start crocheting it.

02:38:07.000 Hulligan shows up and explains how humans were created.

02:38:10.000 L. Ron Hubbard.

02:38:11.000 Shows an alien.

02:38:11.000 Wearing old clothes.

02:38:12.000 Banging a monkey.

02:38:13.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:38:15.000 Shooting a load into a monkey. 0.90

02:38:17.000 Shaking it up in a test tube. 0.91

02:38:19.000 Point.

02:38:19.000 A human being pops out.

02:38:21.000 I think they keep going because for the same reason Philip Morris kept going when they found out.

02:38:26.000 Yeah.

02:38:26.000 They're like, well, we got a good business going now.

02:38:28.000 Yeah.

02:38:28.000 Well, I'm not giving up my house in Tahiti.

02:38:29.000 So it's based on nothing.

02:38:30.000 Who cares?

02:38:30.000 I have a castle in Tahiti.

02:38:32.000 So what?

02:38:32.000 People smoke cigarettes.

02:38:33.000 They're going to smoke anyway.

02:38:34.000 Yeah.

02:38:35.000 We tell them it's bad.

02:38:36.000 Look, people need to worship something.

02:38:38.000 They worship cigarettes.

02:38:42.000 I gotta pee again. 1.00

02:38:43.000 Go pee, you silly bitch. 1.00

02:38:45.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:38:46.000 How dare you?

02:38:47.000 How dare you?

02:38:48.000 I got another story for you about Shanghai.

02:38:51.000 Well, you have such an interesting...

02:38:52.000 Go ahead and pee.

02:38:53.000 Ari, for folks who don't know, has such an interesting take on religion and religious, fundamentalist religion ideas, because he lived in a crazy religious community in, not a kibbutz, 0.99

02:39:09.000 but one of those things, in Israel.

02:39:12.000 And studied the Talmud for like 12 hours a day, every day, and had all these super specific rules.

02:39:18.000 And then went from there to become, within a couple years, he was a dirty comedian, which is amazing.

02:39:25.000 And like the exact opposite. 0.68

02:39:26.000 Like not only was he just a dirty comic, but he was doing like, you know, like that.

02:39:30.000 Those videos that he was doing that was very, you know, jokingly racist and stuff. 0.69

02:39:35.000 He went from, like, the opposite end immediately.

02:39:38.000 Well, he went very inflammatory, shock humor, stuff that he thinks is funny.

02:39:42.000 Yeah.

02:39:43.000 But we're talking about you, dude.

02:39:44.000 How weird it is.

02:39:45.000 You're, like, one of the only dudes that I know that went from being, like, in a very strict religious upbringing, like, about as strict as you can get, to becoming an open-minded, dirty comedian who starts a mushroom festival.

02:39:57.000 Yeah.

02:39:57.000 That's probably the only one.

02:39:58.000 Who the fuck else is there? 0.99

02:39:59.000 You're in a class by yourself, pal. 0.99

02:40:02.000 There were a few others that were religious that got out.

02:40:05.000 Metzger, Pete Holmes.

02:40:06.000 Yeah, there's definitely a few that got out.

02:40:08.000 But not as far out as you got.

02:40:10.000 They all kind of linger around the edge.

02:40:11.000 They dance.

02:40:12.000 Metzger's pretty out. 0.68

02:40:13.000 Metzger hates religion.

02:40:14.000 Kurt Metzger?

02:40:15.000 Yeah.

02:40:15.000 What was he?

02:40:16.000 He was Jehovah's Witness.

02:40:18.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:40:19.000 Yeah.

02:40:20.000 Oh my goodness.

02:40:20.000 He was real deep in the brother so-and-so, brother Joe, brother Brian.

02:40:24.000 That's unfortunate.

02:40:25.000 Yeah.

02:40:25.000 But now he's viewed it the same way.

02:40:27.000 He brings up these...

02:40:28.000 And he breaks them down, too.

02:40:29.000 He says this thing.

02:40:30.000 There's no justification in the Bible for killing someone at war.

02:40:35.000 War has nothing to do...

02:40:36.000 There's no nations in the Bible.

02:40:38.000 You're not allowed to...

02:40:38.000 Just because America's attacking Iraq, you're not allowed to go in and kill an Iraqi.

02:40:42.000 Yeah.

02:40:42.000 But still do not kill.

02:40:43.000 That's a good point.

02:40:45.000 There's no way around it.

02:40:46.000 Yeah.

02:40:46.000 There's no way around it.

02:40:47.000 Yeah.

02:40:47.000 And he talks about stuff like...

02:40:49.000 Baking up in kosher, then it always comes back to something. 0.89

02:40:52.000 Why was that in the Bible?

02:40:53.000 Because it's made up!

02:40:55.000 You're like, why is there an explanation?

02:40:56.000 Because it's clearly made up!

02:40:59.000 Well, it has to be made up.

02:41:00.000 Everything's made up.

02:41:01.000 We know that...

02:41:02.000 Look, if it's not like...

02:41:05.000 Could you imagine if you're dealing with a religion that the people that all practice that religion are clearly elevated?

02:41:12.000 They're clearly in some incredible place where they never lie, and they're only altruistic in their motives, and they're super kind, they're super honest, and they live universally.

02:41:24.000 There's no variation.

02:41:26.000 Universally by this intense moral code and this...

02:41:32.000 Projecting of love and understanding everywhere.

02:41:33.000 So much so that you felt it when you were near them.

02:41:36.000 Like, wow, that guy's clearly a Catholic priest.

02:41:38.000 You know what I mean?

02:41:39.000 Like, if that was a thing.

02:41:40.000 If it was a thing where these people would never lie, they would never cover up child rape, then you might listen to them.

02:41:47.000 Then you might say, okay, well maybe these guys really did find the Word of God.

02:41:52.000 And if the word of God made a lot of sense, if it doesn't make sense to people, well, you know, God works in mysterious ways.

02:41:58.000 Or retards wrote a book, and you're asking me to follow a book that retards wrote. 1.00

02:42:02.000 They used to sell, if you donated enough, they would sell you these tickets.

02:42:06.000 I forget what they're called, but these tickets into heaven.

02:42:07.000 Oh, yeah.

02:42:08.000 And they started selling to rich people.

02:42:09.000 And that, I mean, the priests, the popes, they would do that.

02:42:12.000 That's not even close to the worst thing they've done.

02:42:15.000 No.

02:42:16.000 No, not even close.

02:42:17.000 Not even close.

02:42:18.000 Well, how about the last pope himself?

02:42:19.000 The last pope, the last guy, is really, he's guilty of crimes against humans, crimes against nature.

02:42:26.000 What do you mean? 0.86

02:42:27.000 He was one of the guys that diverted priest pedophiles.

02:42:30.000 He diverted them to new places.

02:42:31.000 So they could do it again.

02:42:32.000 They did it again.

02:42:33.000 And it's like, this is your head.

02:42:35.000 That means the head of your organization is going to do that, and you're still going to be in that organization? 1.00

02:42:38.000 One of them raped a hundred deaf kids. 1.00

02:42:41.000 Oh, man. 1.00

02:42:43.000 Wrap your head around that.

02:42:44.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

02:42:44.000 So the priest was directly responsible for moving a guy who raped like a hundred deaf kids. 0.99

02:42:52.000 The official numbers, like, speculation between 30 and 100. I mean, this has been going on for 1,500 years.

02:42:58.000 Oh, yeah.

02:42:59.000 Probably since the beginning of the times where they made them be celibate. 1.00

02:43:04.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:43:04.000 It's probably when they started fucking kids. 1.00

02:43:07.000 It's probably when they started covering it up. 1.00

02:43:11.000 I mean, it's amazing that you have one religion.

02:43:14.000 And this is a religion that I come from, by the way.

02:43:16.000 One sect of the religion.

02:43:17.000 One sect of this.

02:43:18.000 It's not even Christianity. 0.95

02:43:18.000 It's specifically this. 0.95

02:43:20.000 I think of Catholicism as its own religion, but I guess you're right.

02:43:23.000 Protestants don't do this.

02:43:24.000 But Catholics don't think of themselves as Christians.

02:43:26.000 You talk to a Catholic, it's very rare that a Catholic considers themselves a Christian.

02:43:30.000 They consider themselves a Catholic.

02:43:31.000 Yeah, and Egyptians don't consider themselves Arab.

02:43:34.000 But get over yourself.

02:43:35.000 They're in Africa, though.

02:43:36.000 Yeah, they're whatever.

02:43:37.000 Arab. 1.00

02:43:37.000 Shut up. 1.00

02:43:39.000 That's not Arabia. 1.00

02:43:41.000 Who are you? 1.00

02:43:43.000 Ooh, this guy's an asshole. 1.00

02:43:45.000 But Catholics, the one religion that's explicitly connected to raping children. 1.00

02:43:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:43:52.000 There's no other one.

02:43:52.000 It's in their newsletter.

02:43:53.000 Look, there's people in all sects of life that do terrible things.

02:43:57.000 It's not people.

02:43:57.000 It's systematic.

02:43:59.000 Systematic.

02:43:59.000 Systemic over the years.

02:44:01.000 Been covered up and made to continue.

02:44:03.000 Yeah.

02:44:04.000 Instead of going, oh, who cares what you are?

02:44:06.000 You've done this.

02:44:07.000 We're going to report you to the police.

02:44:09.000 And try to get you to stop doing it.

02:44:10.000 It should be the responsibility as a Catholic Church.

02:44:12.000 Not even cover it up and make sure it never happens again.

02:44:16.000 This guy should go to jail as a warning to other priests.

02:44:19.000 He was accused of crimes against humanity by victims of sex abuse.

02:44:23.000 Victims' complaints to the International Criminal Court accuses Pope Benedict and three others of failing to prevent abusers.

02:44:32.000 Agreed.

02:44:33.000 And hiding them and moving them. 0.98

02:44:34.000 Yeah, he's a criminal. 0.83

02:44:35.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:44:53.000 It's one of the two.

02:44:54.000 You're trying to protect your business.

02:44:56.000 Yeah.

02:44:56.000 This will be bad news for it.

02:44:57.000 Let's cover it up.

02:44:58.000 There's no other options, right?

02:44:59.000 Those are the only two options.

02:45:00.000 So why is that guy wandering around?

02:45:03.000 Why isn't that guy locked in a cage?

02:45:05.000 Remember those people in China that the baby powder formula?

02:45:08.000 Baby formula powder that like 20 kids died from this baby powder?

02:45:13.000 Yeah.

02:45:14.000 And they found out what the CEOs of that company were doing was putting this enzyme in that would make it test higher for purities.

02:45:20.000 But this enzyme, they just added on their own It also had toxins in it and it killed 20 people.

02:45:25.000 They just murdered those people. 1.00

02:45:26.000 The Chinese government said, we're going to kill you all now. 0.99

02:45:28.000 How about what happened with GM? With these fucking cars? 1.00

02:45:31.000 Yeah, they just cover it up. 1.00

02:45:33.000 Sam Tripoli was on the podcast and he was talking about it in sort of vague terms.

02:45:36.000 He didn't know the whole story.

02:45:37.000 And I believe him.

02:45:38.000 I didn't believe him.

02:45:38.000 Like, you had that wrong.

02:45:40.000 They don't do that, dude.

02:45:41.000 I was convinced.

02:45:42.000 And then you looked it up.

02:45:43.000 And I looked it up.

02:45:44.000 It would have saved them a dollar a car.

02:45:46.000 What?

02:45:47.000 A dollar a car.

02:45:48.000 And they're willing to risk someone else's life over a dollar a car.

02:45:50.000 It would cost them a dollar a car.

02:45:52.000 So it would save them a dollar per car to let this happen.

02:45:56.000 I'm telling you, man.

02:45:57.000 It's like you think you're better than that, but it's like organizations, when they go unchecked, they'll just become that.

02:46:02.000 They'll just become that horrible thing.

02:46:05.000 You need repercussions.

02:46:06.000 What kind of car do you drive, Ari?

02:46:08.000 No, no.

02:46:09.000 Don't tell people.

02:46:10.000 No, no.

02:46:10.000 It was a Honda for a long time.

02:46:12.000 You're free now, right?

02:46:14.000 Free of that now. 1.00

02:46:14.000 Are you Ubering around and shit? 1.00

02:46:15.000 Uber and some. 1.00

02:46:16.000 Bar and Renazisi's car today.

02:46:18.000 Bar and Renazisi's car.

02:46:18.000 That's a good friend.

02:46:19.000 Let's see.

02:46:20.000 Bar and Renazisi's car.

02:46:21.000 He's got a second one here for his wife.

02:46:23.000 His wife's not here.

02:46:24.000 You've been lifting?

02:46:26.000 Let me see.

02:46:27.000 Uber's great.

02:46:28.000 Uber.

02:46:29.000 Uber's great.

02:46:29.000 Uber, to me, is a perfect example of why the free market exists.

02:46:34.000 Where it's like, cabs are assholes. 1.00

02:46:36.000 They don't pick up black people. 1.00

02:46:37.000 They fucking yell at you and demand that you pay fucking cash instead of credit card, even though that's not the rules. 1.00

02:46:43.000 They just smell. 1.00

02:46:44.000 And then you're like, well, guess what?

02:46:45.000 A new organization pops up from that.

02:46:48.000 Those guys have downtime in between gigs sometimes.

02:46:52.000 Limo drivers.

02:46:53.000 That's why Uber works so well.

02:46:54.000 And then there's UberX, which uses Priuses.

02:46:57.000 They take people around in Priuses.

02:46:58.000 UberX is the best.

02:46:59.000 UberX is just comedians.

02:47:01.000 You have to have a job to do that?

02:47:03.000 How do you work for UberX?

02:47:05.000 You just pretty much turn on the app.

02:47:07.000 If you've signed up, whenever you're ready, go ready to work.

02:47:10.000 Here's what I asked them once.

02:47:11.000 Do you have to get checked out?

02:47:12.000 Do they register?

02:47:13.000 Do they know who you are?

02:47:14.000 I don't know.

02:47:15.000 I know they're not paying people's insurance.

02:47:17.000 I know they're not paying their driver's insurance.

02:47:18.000 If a driver crashes, it's on that driver.

02:47:20.000 They have to get special insurance.

02:47:22.000 I think they've gone through some checks, but I don't think they're that crazy checks.

02:47:26.000 I had talked about how I thought that somebody was going to get murdered and kidnapped.

02:47:31.000 Here's the check.

02:47:32.000 Here's the check.

02:47:32.000 It's the rating system.

02:47:34.000 Yeah.

02:47:35.000 If you get bad ratings, if you drive all over, people won't take you.

02:47:39.000 Yeah, I got a guy in New York who asked me to give him a rating.

02:47:41.000 He asked me to rate him on a very nice guy.

02:47:43.000 So you could help me if you did that. 0.96

02:47:44.000 Yeah, but if you murder and kill somebody, you just take their phone and give yourself five stars. 0.94

02:47:49.000 That's a great point. 0.96

02:47:50.000 That's a great point.

02:47:52.000 Then he just never does a rating.

02:47:54.000 Someone's going to fight for their life on a password-protected phone.

02:47:56.000 That'll be your demise.

02:47:58.000 It's weird, though.

02:47:58.000 You would know who they are.

02:47:59.000 You would know who they are.

02:48:00.000 They'd come to pick you up.

02:48:01.000 Only if you have an iPhone that's new.

02:48:03.000 Yeah, but...

02:48:03.000 No, they would know in the system they came to pick you up.

02:48:05.000 You don't kill the other ones.

02:48:06.000 What about the Android users?

02:48:07.000 No, they have the thumbprints now.

02:48:10.000 Thumbprints don't work on the Android phones.

02:48:12.000 They don't really start the phone up that good. 0.96

02:48:14.000 There's one on the fucking big silver one. 0.95

02:48:18.000 Moto X. No, not the Moto X. What's the other one? 0.95

02:48:21.000 HTC One Mega or whatever it is.

02:48:24.000 They have a fingerprint thing in the back.

02:48:26.000 Thinking of getting off my data plan.

02:48:27.000 Oh, look at you. 1.00

02:48:28.000 You're a gangster. 0.99

02:48:28.000 Just like no data plan. 0.99

02:48:30.000 They do Galaxy S5 too.

02:48:32.000 Why would you do that?

02:48:33.000 It's addiction.

02:48:34.000 Oh, you're addicted.

02:48:35.000 Too much time spent checking social media and emails.

02:48:37.000 But I'm like, I can get to that later.

02:48:39.000 Well, I'll tell you what.

02:48:39.000 I was on vacation for a few days.

02:48:41.000 Felt good, right?

02:48:42.000 Did you get off it?

02:48:43.000 Occasionally I got on Twitter to send out messages.

02:48:45.000 You know, like something funny.

02:48:46.000 I saw a picture.

02:48:47.000 I saw a deer walking around.

02:48:49.000 Took a picture of this guy walking around. 0.96

02:48:51.000 Because the deer gave zero fucks. 0.94

02:48:53.000 Just walking towards me. 0.77

02:48:55.000 And so I took a picture of him.

02:48:57.000 Because I was just amazed that this deer was so used to being around people.

02:48:59.000 He was just walking around.

02:49:00.000 But other than that, I didn't really go online.

02:49:03.000 Didn't really read too much.

02:49:04.000 Just chilled.

02:49:05.000 Relaxed.

02:49:05.000 Great feeling.

02:49:06.000 Great.

02:49:06.000 Shut your phone off.

02:49:07.000 Don't check my email during the day.

02:49:08.000 Look at people a little bit.

02:49:09.000 Hang out with people.

02:49:10.000 Yeah.

02:49:10.000 I see it on elevators.

02:49:11.000 As soon as the elevator...

02:49:12.000 Everyone takes it off.

02:49:13.000 And like, no one's even...

02:49:14.000 Not that we need to make friends all the time.

02:49:16.000 But keep your eyes up.

02:49:17.000 Just like...

02:49:17.000 Both are good.

02:49:19.000 It's good to have a phone.

02:49:19.000 Because it's good to be able to get information quickly.

02:49:22.000 I want to go to a movie.

02:49:22.000 Let's find out what's playing.

02:49:23.000 But you have to have discipline with that.

02:49:25.000 Yeah, and if I don't, then it's like, I don't know if, you know, I'll tell other people, look it up on your phone.

02:49:30.000 Do you think technology in doing that, like if you look at that trend, the trend of being constantly connected to your phone, being afraid to leave your phone behind, do you think that technology, if you sort of extrapolate, like where is that going, that didn't exist before?

02:49:42.000 Do you think that technology is drawing us in to become completely committed to machines?

02:49:48.000 Yeah, Borg-ish. 0.96

02:49:50.000 Dude, Duncan just got back from this virtual reality conference, and he fucking called me up, tripping out. 0.97

02:49:57.000 Tripping out. 0.99

02:49:59.000 Tripped me out.

02:50:00.000 On LSD. No, no, no.

02:50:01.000 He was completely sober.

02:50:04.000 I was in front of the improv, and we're talking on the phone. 0.98

02:50:06.000 He goes, dude, you're not gonna fucking believe this, man.

02:50:09.000 He goes, this is bigger than the invention of the camera. 0.96

02:50:12.000 This is bigger than the invention of the internet.

02:50:15.000 He goes, you go into a room, and there's a man in the room playing piano.

02:50:18.000 You have these virtual reality goggles on.

02:50:20.000 You put them on and he goes, and it's almost indistinguishable.

02:50:24.000 He goes, you're watching a movie.

02:50:26.000 He goes, it's HD and it's a film and it's playing out in front of you in three dimensions.

02:50:30.000 The way they make this film is they put cameras all over a person's body and then they film as this guy's walking around.

02:50:37.000 So as you move this headset that you're wearing, it picks up all the appropriate angles from all the different cameras and it's seamless.

02:50:45.000 He said the first one, if you got that Oculus Rift, the first one, Yeah, I played that at his place.

02:50:50.000 Very pixelated, but still fascinating, right?

02:50:52.000 Made you nauseous.

02:50:53.000 That's gone.

02:50:53.000 He said, that's gone.

02:50:54.000 Gotten way better, right?

02:50:55.000 But the nauseous is still there.

02:50:56.000 He said, I'm sure.

02:50:59.000 But like a new prescription on my glasses that you get nauseous for like half a day. 1.00

02:51:02.000 Those people are called pussies! 1.00

02:51:04.000 The fucking, the change is here. 1.00

02:51:06.000 But Duncan was freaking the fuck out. 1.00

02:51:08.000 It didn't give me nausea. 0.79

02:51:10.000 It kind of, I could see where it would happen.

02:51:12.000 Doug Benson had made him sick.

02:51:13.000 I think it was, I don't know.

02:51:15.000 Do you get sick when you read in a car?

02:51:16.000 Yeah, I do.

02:51:17.000 I get really sick when I read in a car.

02:51:19.000 I've gotten like where I've rolled down the window, I'm like, I'm not going to make it.

02:51:22.000 You have to breathe out fresh air. 0.97

02:51:23.000 Well, I'm like, I am gonna fucking, I can't swallow quick enough. 0.80

02:51:26.000 Especially if it's a curvy road. 0.97

02:51:28.000 Because you don't know where the turns are coming, so it's like, it goes against where you know where it's going.

02:51:32.000 For me, it's just reading.

02:51:33.000 It's just, it does not even, it has to be curvy.

02:51:36.000 If I'm reading in a car, if I try to read a book or a newspaper in a car, I get sick.

02:51:41.000 But nothing, that's the only time.

02:51:43.000 Wow.

02:51:44.000 Get on a bus or train easier.

02:51:45.000 I got sick flying in an FAA-18 when I flew with the Blue Angels.

02:51:49.000 I tried super hard, but I got sick at the end.

02:51:51.000 You barfed.

02:51:52.000 Did a little puking.

02:51:54.000 What's the term, I got sick, to mean barf?

02:51:57.000 Yeah, I know, right?

02:51:58.000 I didn't ever hear it like that, and then I heard it in books that way.

02:52:01.000 How about the term, I got my eye on you?

02:52:04.000 I had my eye on her.

02:52:06.000 Like, she had her eye on you.

02:52:08.000 Dude, she's got her eye on you.

02:52:10.000 You know?

02:52:11.000 Like if a girl's got the hots for you, hey Ari, she's got her eye on you. 1.00

02:52:14.000 She's looking at you. 1.00

02:52:15.000 But what is that fucking, some ancient fucking medieval shit? 1.00

02:52:18.000 Throw your eyes. 1.00

02:52:19.000 She has her eye on you.

02:52:20.000 Eye of Newt is part of a spell.

02:52:22.000 Back when people talked really weird, you know?

02:52:24.000 Yeah.

02:52:25.000 I think that the only thing that's lacking in cell phones and stuff is the, it hasn't gotten caught up by the etiquette yet.

02:52:32.000 So people are now starting to be like, hey, it's dinner.

02:52:34.000 Put your phone away.

02:52:35.000 That is nice when people do that. 0.99

02:52:36.000 And people are also starting to really get into retro shit. 0.99

02:52:39.000 Think about that. 0.99

02:52:40.000 People are really into record players now.

02:52:43.000 And a lot of people are into old cars.

02:52:45.000 Three more minutes.

02:52:46.000 We're going to turn into a pumpkin in three minutes.

02:52:48.000 Oh, I've got to tell you this thing. 1.00

02:52:49.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:52:50.000 Tell it quick. 1.00

02:52:50.000 So in Shanghai, they have these noodles. 1.00

02:52:52.000 Street noodles.

02:52:53.000 They also have street meat, which is delicious.

02:52:55.000 There's expose, which I did not eat any street noodles.

02:52:57.000 This is the way they got their oil to cook the noodles.

02:53:00.000 They would.

02:53:00.000 Brian, I sent you the link.

02:53:01.000 Do you think you have another podcast in you right now?

02:53:03.000 Do you have another like hour and a half or so?

02:53:05.000 Hour maybe.

02:53:07.000 Let's do another one.

02:53:08.000 Okay. 1.00

02:53:08.000 We'll just end this bitch. 1.00

02:53:08.000 We'll do another one for an hour. 1.00

02:53:10.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:53:10.000 I got nowhere to go. 1.00

02:53:11.000 Okay.

02:53:12.000 My kids are asleep.

02:53:14.000 This episode of the podcast was brought to you by Squarespace.

02:53:18.000 Go to squarespace.com and use the code word Joe.

02:53:22.000 Is that it?

02:53:22.000 Did I say it right?

02:53:24.000 Is that it?

02:53:25.000 I think so.

02:53:27.000 Yeah, they all have different ones.

02:53:29.000 10% off.

02:53:30.000 Free trial and 10% off.

02:53:32.000 Thanks also to NatureBox.

02:53:33.000 Go to NatureBox.com forward slash Rogan and save 50% off your first box.

02:53:38.000 Awesome food too.

02:53:40.000 I really love it a lot.

02:53:41.000 NatureBox.com forward slash Rogan.

02:53:44.000 All right.

02:53:44.000 And go to Onnit.com.

02:53:46.000 O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:53:50.000 We'll be back tomorrow with the guy from...

02:53:53.000 Oh, this is going to be really interesting for you, Brian.

02:53:56.000 You're going to love this.

02:53:57.000 The guy from Unbox Therapy.

02:54:00.000 Unboxed.

02:54:01.000 Yeah, he's got a great YouTube channel.

02:54:03.000 And it's all about technology. 1.00

02:54:04.000 It's all about new shit. 0.99

02:54:06.000 So going in line with what we're talking about. 1.00

02:54:08.000 We'll find out about Oculus Rifts and all kinds of other shit! 0.98

02:54:10.000 And we have a show tomorrow night. 1.00

02:54:11.000 Oh shit, we got a show tomorrow night at the Ice House. 0.99

02:54:14.000 Dom Irera and Joey Diaz are in the big room. 0.99

02:54:17.000 And then there's another show that we're doing in the little room.

02:54:20.000 And maybe we'll get people back and forth from over there too if they want to do extra sets.

02:54:23.000 Greg Fitzsimmons, Sarah Tiana, Tony Hinchcliffe, and myself and you.

02:54:27.000 And what about Christina P? Jesus Christ! 0.97

02:54:29.000 She had to jump out.

02:54:30.000 She's on some new thing.

02:54:31.000 Fitzsimmons, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sarah Tiana, you and me. 1.00

02:54:34.000 God damn it, son! 1.00

02:54:35.000 What a great fucking show! 1.00

02:54:37.000 Alright, Ari Shafir on Twitter. 1.00

02:54:38.000 A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. If you're listening to only this part of the podcast, you're allowed to do that. 0.90

02:54:44.000 But we're going to continue in about two seconds.

02:54:46.000 Goodbye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 27, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #515 - Ari Shaffir

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