The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #598 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

00:00:00.000 Your problem with Brian's fucking microphone, listen to that goddamn fan. 1.00

00:00:04.000 God, that fan sucks. 1.00

00:00:07.000 Yeah, until you, when you turn your mic up and down, you're gonna have to do that when you talk, because that microphone's dogshit. 1.00

00:00:13.000 Just be careful of your drink there. 0.98

00:00:20.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:22.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:00:29.000 You're right.

00:00:29.000 That thing's loud as heck out over here.

00:00:31.000 Yeah.

00:00:32.000 Yeah.

00:00:32.000 Are we live?

00:00:33.000 Okay, yeah, that thing's loud as fuck. 0.99

00:00:34.000 We have a problem here, folks. 0.99

00:00:36.000 It's not a major problem.

00:00:37.000 We have this new TriCaster set up.

00:00:39.000 HD Joe Diaz. 1.00

00:00:41.000 Oh, shit. 0.95

00:00:41.000 We're in HD now, but unfortunately the TriCaster has fans on it. 0.95

00:00:44.000 It's super noisy where Brian's microphone is positioned.

00:00:49.000 Maybe I could just sit over there until we fix this.

00:00:51.000 Sit over there, yeah.

00:00:52.000 Sit over there and we'll throw a camera on you and let Jamie run it. 1.00

00:00:55.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:00:56.000 Yeah, come on over here, bitch. 1.00

00:00:57.000 Be one of us. 1.00

00:00:57.000 Let's do it, baby. 1.00

00:00:58.000 Come over to the big boy's table.

00:01:01.000 We got this TriCaster set up, and it's pretty sweet.

00:01:04.000 It's because a lot of people watch this on their televisions.

00:01:06.000 You know, you take, like, Chromecast, or you just use an HDMI cable.

00:01:11.000 There's a bunch of different ways you could do it.

00:01:14.000 Or you could use that Apple thing where you throw it to Apple TV and you could watch it on Apple TV. What is that called?

00:01:19.000 What's that called?

00:01:19.000 Apple TV AirPlay.

00:01:21.000 AirPlay, yeah.

00:01:22.000 So anything that's on your computer, you can watch on TV. You just shoot it to that, and if you're using the Air...

00:01:28.000 That's how it works, right?

00:01:29.000 Yeah.

00:01:30.000 You can do it from your iPad or your iPhone or anything like that. 0.77

00:01:33.000 Yeah, it's pretty fucking sweet.

00:01:35.000 So, we're moving into 2015, Joe Diaz. 0.98

00:01:38.000 That's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:01:39.000 We're taking shit to the next level. 1.00

00:01:40.000 My wife canceled cable. 1.00

00:01:41.000 Did she really?

00:01:42.000 Yeah, she kept some package.

00:01:43.000 She said, that's it.

00:01:44.000 We live on Netflix.

00:01:45.000 I love it.

00:01:46.000 Well, I gotta tell you.

00:01:47.000 I love it, too.

00:01:47.000 I love it.

00:01:48.000 I ain't gonna lie to you.

00:01:48.000 I love it.

00:01:49.000 When I come home at night from comedy, Netflix, and I unwind, and I can watch whatever the fuck I want. 0.96

00:01:55.000 Yeah. 0.53

00:01:56.000 A buddy of mine worked for sci-fi for 20 years, and he said, I got it once.

00:01:59.000 He goes, I would watch how my children would watch TV. Mm-hmm.

00:02:02.000 And I knew that they were onto something.

00:02:04.000 They watch kids.

00:02:04.000 Yeah.

00:02:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:02:06.000 And I kept going to sci-fi and telling them, and they were like, fuck, you know what you're talking about. 0.99

00:02:09.000 He quit. 1.00

00:02:10.000 And he started his own YouTube channel, horror show, and he's fucking killing them. 0.99

00:02:13.000 But it's funny how even my daughter goes nuts when a commercial comes on. 0.99

00:02:19.000 When she's watching Bubble Guppies and a commercial comes on, She's two, and she looks at me like, because she's not used to it.

00:02:26.000 On Netflix, when I put on Dora or whatever, or The Grinch That Stole Christmas or whatever.

00:02:31.000 There's no commercials. 0.99

00:02:33.000 So for her, it's fucking... 0.99

00:02:34.000 So I watched her the other day, and I'm like, look at this. 1.00

00:02:37.000 Even a fucking two-year-old tells you that commercials suck ass. 1.00

00:02:41.000 Yeah, they're not fun. 1.00

00:02:42.000 It's unnecessary, and it ruins the vibe of the show.

00:02:46.000 I watched The Walking Dead almost entirely on Netflix, or on Apple TV, rather.

00:02:49.000 But I decided to record it on my DVR one night, and I tried watching it on regular TV. Oh, it's fucking awful. 0.99

00:03:00.000 I watched it. 0.99

00:03:01.000 I watched it live without recording it.

00:03:01.000 Oh, that's what it was.

00:03:04.000 Because you can't watch it on Apple TV until the next day.

00:03:07.000 So it came out on Sunday, so I watched it live. 0.98

00:03:08.000 So we just paused it and walked away for 20 minutes and came back so we could fast forward through all the bullshit. 0.99

00:03:13.000 But it's like every fucking 15 minutes, they have this big break. 0.99

00:03:18.000 And the show stops and... 1.00

00:03:20.000 It's a dumb way to intrude on television. 0.88

00:03:24.000 It's like, for whatever reason, they started doing it like that, and they stuck with it. 0.94

00:03:27.000 And some guys do it like that with podcasts.

00:03:30.000 Like, I love Adam Carolla, but Adam Carolla does commercials like a radio show.

00:03:34.000 He does them all the time.

00:03:35.000 He does them every 15 minutes.

00:03:36.000 You know, he's got, like, breaks, like hard breaks, just like a radio show.

00:03:41.000 You know, I guess that's the world he came from, so he decided to just do it that way.

00:03:45.000 Well, these new marketing agencies, They contact you now?

00:03:50.000 They're trying to ruin you.

00:03:52.000 They dangle big money at you, but they want you to read 18 times a show.

00:03:57.000 You can't do that.

00:03:59.000 It becomes what we went to get away from.

00:04:01.000 Yeah.

00:04:02.000 So, no.

00:04:02.000 You know?

00:04:03.000 I don't interrupt.

00:04:05.000 I won't interrupt.

00:04:06.000 I do it afterwards.

00:04:06.000 I do it before.

00:04:08.000 I'll put shit on Twitter. 0.98

00:04:09.000 If I think it's a good product and I enjoy it, I'll do it, but I'll do it with no contract. 0.99

00:04:13.000 Like, if I tweet something, like, if you see me tweet something about NatureBox, it's because I like it.

00:04:18.000 Like, I got these sriracha cashews. 1.00

00:04:20.000 They're the shit. 1.00

00:04:20.000 I love them. 1.00

00:04:21.000 I love them.

00:04:21.000 So I tweet it.

00:04:22.000 Like, there's no agreement.

00:04:24.000 There's no, like, you have to tweet this five times a week.

00:04:26.000 There's none of that. 0.99

00:04:27.000 No, I don't want to tweet shit. 0.98

00:04:27.000 So I don't interrupt any podcast, and I don't, because I don't want that. 0.98

00:04:31.000 When I'm listening to stuff, I like stuff to go all the way through to the end.

00:04:34.000 And I'd be more inclined to support something that supported that than I would be to inclined to support something that's that same old system. 0.99

00:04:42.000 That system sucks, man. 0.98

00:04:43.000 Every 15-minute system. 1.00

00:04:45.000 You don't do it. 1.00

00:04:46.000 You don't have commercials on any of your fucking podcasts. 0.99

00:04:47.000 I don't do any commercials, yeah. 0.99

00:04:48.000 None at all.

00:04:49.000 You need to make some money. 0.93

00:04:49.000 That's silly. 0.93

00:04:51.000 Well, I usually just say, hey, go to, if you want to help out, just go to Shop Squad, and then that just takes care of everything in one little swoop.

00:04:58.000 Are we rocking a split screen now?

00:05:00.000 Old school, like the old days?

00:05:02.000 We're going old, but we're going new again. 1.00

00:05:02.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:05:05.000 I'm sorry, what's in between Apple TV and Netflix? 0.99

00:05:09.000 Well, Netflix is incorporated in Apple TV, so if you have an Apple TV, there's Netflix in there.

00:05:14.000 You just gotta sign up for an account.

00:05:16.000 But you said that Apple comes out the next day.

00:05:18.000 Netflix...

00:05:19.000 Yeah.

00:05:19.000 No, Netflix doesn't have...

00:05:20.000 I don't think they have The Walking Dead.

00:05:22.000 If they do, it's probably like the earlier seasons.

00:05:24.000 With Apple, you buy the whole season.

00:05:26.000 Like, you rent a season.

00:05:27.000 And you can watch, like, all the episodes at once.

00:05:28.000 Which is legit!

00:05:30.000 If you haven't done...

00:05:31.000 Do you watch Walking Dead? 1.00

00:05:32.000 No, I'm scared of that shit. 1.00

00:05:34.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:05:35.000 You know, when I was a kid, I went to the One. 1.00

00:05:37.000 We would get high and go to Dawn of the Dead and those type of movies, you know? 1.00

00:05:43.000 And that was George Romero was the fucking crazy fuck when I was a kid. 1.00

00:05:47.000 That's the guy that made all those movies. 1.00

00:05:49.000 Yeah, Night of the Living Dead.

00:05:50.000 And I still remember that one thing with the black guys yelling, Mama, Mama, and he stands next to the helicopter. 1.00

00:05:56.000 And the helicopter just cuts the top of his fucking head off. 1.00

00:05:59.000 Oh, God. 1.00

00:06:00.000 Like, I just never.

00:06:01.000 And I, you know, I don't know. 0.99

00:06:02.000 It's not for me, people walking around like zombies and shit. 0.99

00:06:05.000 I have fucking nightmares and stuff, so I don't watch nothing. 0.99

00:06:08.000 American Horror Story is probably one of the scariest motherfucking shows I've turned down and lasted for like 13 or 14 minutes. 0.99

00:06:15.000 Is it really? 1.00

00:06:16.000 That lady's fucking scary, dawg. 1.00

00:06:18.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:06:19.000 What is her name again?

00:06:20.000 She used to be good-looking. 1.00

00:06:21.000 Hot as fuck. 1.00

00:06:22.000 Yeah, hot as fuck when we were young. 1.00

00:06:23.000 What is her name? 0.99

00:06:24.000 Goddamn, it's not fake. 0.99

00:06:25.000 Angelica Houston? 0.99

00:06:26.000 Something like that.

00:06:27.000 Not Angelica Houston, the other one. 1.00

00:06:29.000 She was in The Mailman Always Rings Twice, The Postman Always Rings Twice. 0.96

00:06:33.000 Goddamn, she was hot back then. 1.00

00:06:34.000 What is her name, man? 0.95

00:06:36.000 Jessica Lange?

00:06:37.000 Jessica Lange.

00:06:37.000 Yes, that's who it is.

00:06:38.000 You know, she was Faye Ray in the King Kong remake. 0.92

00:06:42.000 The Dino DeLorientis.

00:06:44.000 Is that his name?

00:06:45.000 King Kong remake with Rick Baker, which is like...

00:06:48.000 That was like the second King Kong.

00:06:50.000 It was like the old school King Kong. 1.00

00:06:52.000 It's a stop motion claymation that looked like shit. 0.99

00:06:54.000 But then Rick Baker did a version of King Kong that was super sophisticated for the time. 0.99

00:07:00.000 And she was...

00:07:01.000 Jessica Lange was the Faye Ray.

00:07:03.000 She was on his phone. 0.99

00:07:05.000 Girl, when Jack Nicholson put her on the table and fucked in that movie, it was tremendous. 1.00

00:07:09.000 Look at her. 1.00

00:07:10.000 She looked great.

00:07:10.000 Yeah, she was smoldering.

00:07:12.000 But you know what, man? 0.98

00:07:13.000 She, as an actress, like, or an actor, I guess you say, doesn't need to be gender specific, she fucking holds her own right now. 1.00

00:07:21.000 She is as good as anybody, man. 0.98

00:07:23.000 She's so creepy on that show. 1.00

00:07:26.000 She's so, like, powerfully creepy, you know?

00:07:29.000 Like, there's just a realism to the crazy that she projects. 0.99

00:07:34.000 It scares the shit out of me, man. 0.99

00:07:36.000 And the black chick is on there, too. 1.00

00:07:38.000 The one that played Tina Turner with...

00:07:41.000 Is she?

00:07:42.000 She's in the new season?

00:07:44.000 I haven't watched the new seasons.

00:07:45.000 She's in a couple of seasons.

00:07:45.000 The fat chick from that cut off Jack Kahn's legs, James Kahn's leg and...

00:07:50.000 Kathy Bates is in it? 1.00

00:07:51.000 Oh my God, she's a motherfucker. 1.00

00:07:51.000 Kathy Bates is... 1.00

00:07:53.000 It's a fucking scary-ass fucking show. 1.00

00:07:55.000 My wife watches. 1.00

00:07:56.000 I walk back and I'm like, fuck you, I keep walking. 1.00

00:07:58.000 Do you have to watch the older seasons to be caught up, or is it a new season, a totally new story? 1.00

00:08:04.000 I don't know how it fucking works, man. 0.98

00:08:06.000 You just tune in and freak out and then get out of the room? 0.99

00:08:09.000 I sit down for like eight minutes.

00:08:10.000 I watch Jessica Lange.

00:08:11.000 I watch the black chick. 1.00

00:08:13.000 And I get the fuck out of there. 1.00

00:08:15.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

00:08:16.000 I can't deal with that shit at all. 1.00

00:08:18.000 I watched Angel Heart. 1.00

00:08:19.000 I couldn't sleep for fucking... 0.99

00:08:21.000 Angel Heart was on a couple weeks ago. 0.99

00:08:23.000 And I stayed up and watched it. 0.99

00:08:24.000 Fucking scared the shit out of me. 0.97

00:08:26.000 It's really well written, because they set up the first episodes. 0.98

00:08:29.000 I don't want to give any spoilers, but a family moves into this house, and Jessica Lange is, like, the neighbor, or she comes by, and she comes by, like, unannounced. 0.99

00:08:37.000 It's real creepy how she does it, and, you know, you know she's fucking nuts, and so the guy's there with his wife and his children, and you're like, oh, fuck. 0.99

00:08:45.000 Like, this is gonna end terrible. 1.00

00:08:47.000 It, like, draws you in, like, right away.

00:08:49.000 You get nervous, and you feel freaked out, like, right away.

00:08:53.000 Do you have Hulu, Joey?

00:08:54.000 Did you ever get Hulu?

00:08:55.000 I think so.

00:08:56.000 Yeah, I got Hulu.

00:08:57.000 I quit my cable also, and Hulu is actually one of the best ones because you can do shows usually the day after or at the same day.

00:09:06.000 Like South Park's a good one on there if you like South Park.

00:09:08.000 What networks do they have?

00:09:10.000 What networks do they have?

00:09:10.000 They have a lot of Fox ones.

00:09:12.000 They have...

00:09:13.000 Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

00:09:14.000 Yeah, they have a lot of NBC, like Saturday Night Live and stuff like that.

00:09:18.000 It's a nice blend of all the main networks and also...

00:09:22.000 They also have movies on there, so it's a nice little change from...

00:09:25.000 Also, Amazon Prime is another thing.

00:09:27.000 If you have Amazon Prime...

00:09:28.000 You get access to all of Amazon Prime's stuff also, and they have their own shows, and you can also rent movies through them, which is nice.

00:09:35.000 Yeah, it's all the options that are available today.

00:09:35.000 Wow.

00:09:38.000 You're not the first person to tell me either.

00:09:40.000 I have several friends that have cancered the cable.

00:09:42.000 People said, I don't want to do a buck and a half no more.

00:09:44.000 I'm not doing it. 0.80

00:09:45.000 Yeah, it seems ridiculous.

00:09:46.000 I'm not doing it.

00:09:47.000 Netflix is seven bucks a month. 0.80

00:09:49.000 That's ridiculous.

00:09:49.000 I mean, it's $7.

00:09:51.000 Yeah.

00:09:51.000 Like, that's so insane.

00:09:53.000 And the other one's $8.99.

00:09:55.000 Yeah.

00:09:55.000 So for $20, you got everything.

00:09:57.000 And I think CBS just announced that they have something for, like, $5, and you just get all of this CBS, which is silly because you can get it for free already, but I guess the convenience of downloading whatever you want.

00:10:06.000 HBO's going, right?

00:10:07.000 Yeah, HBO's going. 1.00

00:10:08.000 So if you just want to watch Game of Thrones, fuck them. 1.00

00:10:10.000 Yeah, yeah, you just go HBO online, right? 1.00

00:10:13.000 It's pretty much becoming of a cart, which is something that I've always wanted in a cable company, being able to pick and choose which channels you want. 0.90

00:10:20.000 Cable companies are screwed.

00:10:21.000 Yeah, and when you develop a show, like if you, when I was doing that sci-fi show, you film the show, you edit it, and once it's edited, then it has to wait for, you know, whatever night it's on, Tuesday night at 8 o'clock, whatever it is, and then You wait for it to go on, and then the show broadcasts live, 0.99

00:10:36.000 Tuesday night at 8, and they sandwich in a bunch of shit that you don't want to see. 0.99

00:10:40.000 So in between that, you're watching Prilosec commercials and fucking Toyota commercials and all this shit that you don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:10:47.000 You're just being... 1.00

00:10:48.000 They're literally fucking with your experience. 0.99

00:10:50.000 Just, come on, buy me! 0.99

00:10:52.000 Come on, buy this!

00:10:53.000 Hey, what about this?

00:10:54.000 I feel better!

00:10:55.000 Look at my wife! 1.00

00:10:56.000 Look at my car!

00:10:57.000 Da-da [...]-da!

00:10:59.000 Next one.

00:11:00.000 You could buy us, too.

00:11:00.000 What about us?

00:11:02.000 What about us?

00:11:02.000 Do you have insurance?

00:11:03.000 Is your insurance run by a lizard? 1.00

00:11:05.000 And they have all this fucking goofy shit, and it ruins your experience. 1.00

00:11:10.000 They don't have to do that anymore. 1.00

00:11:11.000 What are they going to do for commercials?

00:11:14.000 Product placements, I think, mostly.

00:11:16.000 That's even grosser.

00:11:16.000 And I think that's the reason why we're paying a monthly subscription fee.

00:11:20.000 If you're, like, holding up a fucking soda, like, I know why he killed her. 0.99

00:11:25.000 It's done right, though. 0.99

00:11:27.000 South Park is a good example of them doing it right, where they actually I think have sponsors, but they just trash the sponsor the whole time.

00:11:34.000 Really? 0.99

00:11:35.000 Out of nowhere, just one episode, they'll be doing, like, Dr. Pepper, but yet they just talk mad shit on Dr. Pepper the whole time. 0.99

00:11:42.000 You could talk shit on Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Pepper's basically invincible. 0.99

00:11:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:11:47.000 Like, as long as you're talking about Dr. Pepper, unless it's killing anybody, it's not killing anybody. 0.96

00:11:51.000 But if you want to talk shit about the way Dr. Pepper tastes, you ain't affecting anybody. 0.98

00:11:55.000 You know, I noticed that one night I was watching Diane Sawyer, the day that fucko... 1.00

00:12:00.000 Said something. 0.96

00:12:00.000 Who's the guy that said, oh, Rush Limbaugh? 0.96

00:12:03.000 What did he say?

00:12:04.000 He took pills 20 years ago.

00:12:07.000 But then a couple years ago on his radio show, he said something.

00:12:10.000 I'm sitting there watching Diane Sawyer, and she pops up on the screen, and all of a sudden they pop up the sponsors that left them. 0.97

00:12:19.000 Those sponsors were like, fuck Rush Limbaugh, we just hit the jackpot. 0.97

00:12:23.000 That's what they don't really realize. 0.99

00:12:25.000 If they sponsor Joey Diaz's radio show, and he says, fuck whoever, whatever genre group, and they get rid of him, Diane Sawyer's gonna come up and go, did you hear what happened to Joey Diaz today? 0.88

00:12:36.000 And also they show American Airlines, Delta. 0.97

00:12:39.000 Delta's going, we didn't lose. 0.97

00:12:40.000 We fucking 630, Diane Sawyer. 0.99

00:12:42.000 That's as good as it fucking gets. 0.99

00:12:44.000 That's it. 0.99

00:12:46.000 So either way, you don't lose because they mention you.

00:12:46.000 They didn't lose.

00:12:49.000 Nobody loses. 0.99

00:12:50.000 They don't really fucking lose. 0.88

00:12:51.000 Did you see what happened with his perfect example? 0.96

00:12:54.000 I'm not trashing Adam Carolla.

00:12:56.000 Like I said, I love Adam.

00:12:57.000 But Adam had this chick, Alison Rosen, who was on her show, and he just decided he wanted to try something different, which is his prerogative.

00:13:05.000 But here's what happened. 0.99

00:13:06.000 Her show, It was shot through the fucking ratings. 0.99

00:13:09.000 It was number one out of all podcasts on iTunes. 0.99

00:13:12.000 And you know why?

00:13:14.000 Because people responded.

00:13:15.000 Because she's really nice.

00:13:17.000 Like, Alison Rosen is really nice and really smart.

00:13:20.000 And she's a good podcaster.

00:13:22.000 So, like, I think, and I even sent her an email.

00:13:24.000 I said, you're gonna be fantastic on your own.

00:13:26.000 Like, you don't need anybody.

00:13:27.000 Like, it's probably better for her to be completely independent because I think her show could be really profitable. 1.00

00:13:33.000 It could be really good.

00:13:34.000 When you're that smart and that opinionated, you should have your own show.

00:13:37.000 I mean, she's really good.

00:13:38.000 People always liked her.

00:13:39.000 Yeah, she's great.

00:13:40.000 People have loved her.

00:13:41.000 She's great.

00:13:42.000 And she had her own show for a long time.

00:13:44.000 No, she still has it.

00:13:46.000 Alison Rosen is your best friend, or your new best friend.

00:13:48.000 She's really good.

00:13:48.000 So when she got fired...

00:13:49.000 Her show just shot up. 1.00

00:13:51.000 Shot through the fucking ratings. 1.00

00:13:52.000 Shot up through the fucking roof. 1.00

00:13:53.000 And I think that just shows you that, like, if it gets out there, if there's controversy, like, oh, Alison got fired. 1.00

00:14:01.000 Poor Alison. 1.00

00:14:02.000 Poor Alison! 0.99

00:14:03.000 What are you, crazy? 0.97

00:14:04.000 She's number one now. 1.00

00:14:05.000 She shot past all of us. 1.00

00:14:05.000 She's number one. 1.00

00:14:07.000 Because there were so many online stories about it.

00:14:10.000 And, you know...

00:14:11.000 Because the timing was really bad for her.

00:14:13.000 Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:15.000 Her dog just died.

00:14:16.000 Her dog died, and she was out of town, and it was done by email.

00:14:19.000 There was a lot going on with it. 0.99

00:14:21.000 But hey, man, the guy should be able to do whatever the fuck he wants to do with his show. 0.96

00:14:25.000 But the bottom line is, she showed that she was really good on the show, and then the controversy of him firing her was huge. 0.96

00:14:34.000 It was way better than him giving her some... 0.99

00:14:39.000 If he announced Alison Rosen being vice president of controversy at Adam Carolla Enterprises, nobody would give a fuck. 0.99

00:14:46.000 But her getting fired for it. 0.99

00:14:48.000 If you got on the radio and you were like, Castro! 1.00

00:14:54.000 Fuck all these cocksuckers! 1.00

00:14:55.000 Suck my dick! 1.00

00:14:56.000 And then, you know, Nature Box pulled out and everybody got crazy. 1.00

00:14:59.000 We are no longer sponsoring the Joey...

00:15:00.000 And it was a big...

00:15:01.000 Oh, all over these websites.

00:15:03.000 Nature Box pulls out of the Joey Diaz podcast.

00:15:05.000 You would get hundreds of thousands more downloads that week.

00:15:08.000 Offers.

00:15:08.000 Hundreds of thousands!

00:15:09.000 What's his name?

00:15:09.000 Look at...

00:15:11.000 Two and a half, man.

00:15:12.000 Charlie Sheen. 0.98

00:15:13.000 He got fired, drugs, hookers, blow. 1.00

00:15:15.000 Fuck, FX is right there with an envelope. 1.00

00:15:17.000 Not only did they have an envelope, they gave him the stupidest deal anyone's ever given anybody ever. 1.00

00:15:22.000 He made all the episodes. 0.96

00:15:25.000 They did a hundred-episode deal, and they make them over a really short period of time.

00:15:28.000 So they're just churning out scripts.

00:15:32.000 Like, you...

00:15:32.000 I don't have to tell you.

00:15:34.000 It takes time to write something good.

00:15:36.000 Sometimes it doesn't.

00:15:37.000 Sometimes you have the best idea.

00:15:39.000 Like, you'll hear about Quentin Tarantino.

00:15:40.000 He did blow. 0.88

00:15:41.000 He ran up to his apartment real quick, and he just spent the next six hours writing a script to, you know, Pulp Fiction 2 or some shit. 0.95

00:15:48.000 Occasionally, that does happen.

00:15:49.000 Like, um...

00:15:51.000 Hunter Thompson wrote most of his, the book he wrote about Hell's Angels, he wrote most of it coked up, like in one night.

00:16:01.000 Like most of it, like he finished up the book, like in one night, just rattled out.

00:16:05.000 It is possible, but most of the time, you gotta spend time, you gotta do revisions, so they're not doing any of that. 0.93

00:16:12.000 They're just fucking slamming them out there.

00:16:14.000 And if it went past X amount of episodes, I forget what the deal was, they had to film all 90, so he got this huge deal. 0.99

00:16:20.000 So he made like $900 million or something stupid, or $90 million. 0.91

00:16:25.000 Just some ungodly sum of money from that deal. 0.99

00:16:28.000 Something with a nine in it.

00:16:30.000 Jamie would know.

00:16:31.000 I bet Jamie knows the exact number.

00:16:32.000 I bet he's got a tattoo.

00:16:33.000 Well, he was talking about it all morning today.

00:16:39.000 I love Gossip Jamie.

00:16:40.000 The whole idea makes me laugh.

00:16:42.000 The controversy for anything is almost worth doing. 0.99

00:16:47.000 That's why people stir up shit on purpose. 0.96

00:16:51.000 Anybody that's in the reality show business, all they're doing is just controversy, controversy, controversy. 0.99

00:16:59.000 Can we get some controversy?

00:17:00.000 If we have controversy, we've got a show.

00:17:02.000 Controversy!

00:17:03.000 Ta-ta-ta-ta! 0.88

00:17:05.000 I mean, that's all they're trying to sell.

00:17:06.000 That's all they're trying to sell.

00:17:08.000 But you can see right through it.

00:17:09.000 You can!

00:17:10.000 I can.

00:17:11.000 Let's see a reality show. 1.00

00:17:12.000 This is bullshit. 1.00

00:17:13.000 This is the white chick who caught the black husband with a transvestite and took him back. 1.00

00:17:18.000 And the show's on E! And she's like, what do I do with such a tough... 0.98

00:17:22.000 He was with a fucking transvestite. 1.00

00:17:24.000 You get rid of that fucking freak. 1.00

00:17:26.000 And now she took him back again, and now they're on season eight, and... 1.00

00:17:30.000 You know, who even cares about that fucking broad? 1.00

00:17:32.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:17:33.000 People care if they put him on the cover of a magazine. 0.99

00:17:36.000 Like, if you're on the cover of a magazine, and that's what you sell, like those reality star-type people.

00:17:40.000 It just has to be, they're on the cover, and then something happens.

00:17:44.000 She dumped him for this guy.

00:17:46.000 There's a more handsome guy. 1.00

00:17:47.000 Shit, now he's in the dumps. 1.00

00:17:49.000 That's all you need to do. 1.00

00:17:51.000 And then people go, well, what happens next?

00:17:53.000 What happens to him?

00:17:54.000 What happens to her? 0.98

00:17:55.000 Will they be reunited?

00:17:56.000 Will she forgive him?

00:17:57.000 Will he forgive her?

00:17:59.000 They got me hooked. 1.00

00:18:00.000 I mean, you don't even know what Kim Kardashian's fucking voice sounds like. 1.00

00:18:04.000 Do you understand that? 0.99

00:18:05.000 Like, you would not be able to tell that.

00:18:07.000 If Kim Kardashian was doing a commercial for Delta, you wouldn't be like, oh, that's Kim Kardashian.

00:18:11.000 But if, like, say, um, what's her name, uh, from Friends, uh, no, the other one.

00:18:18.000 Phoebe Cates.

00:18:19.000 What's her?

00:18:20.000 No, not Phoebe Cates.

00:18:21.000 Lisa Kudrow.

00:18:22.000 Lisa Kudrow.

00:18:22.000 Thank you.

00:18:24.000 Gossip Jamie.

00:18:25.000 You hear how funny it is when he turns the mic on?

00:18:27.000 Turn it on for a second just so everybody can hear the fan. 1.00

00:18:29.000 That is so stupid. 1.00

00:18:31.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:18:32.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

00:18:33.000 We're working it out, folks. 1.00

00:18:34.000 We're working it out.

00:18:35.000 The video looks beautiful, though.

00:18:37.000 What is her name again?

00:18:39.000 Courtney Cox.

00:18:40.000 Lisa Kudrow. 1.00

00:18:42.000 This fucking guy's got the big tip of his fingers. 1.00

00:18:44.000 She's very talented. 1.00

00:18:45.000 Have you ever seen Courtney Cox's show?

00:18:46.000 No, I have not. 1.00

00:18:47.000 With the fucking plastic surgery. 1.00

00:18:48.000 Oh, I've seen her. 1.00

00:18:49.000 And they put friends before it some nights on, like, TNT. Just to fuck with her? 1.00

00:18:54.000 Well, sometimes they have that. 1.00

00:18:56.000 Yeah, they have her on TNT and something on TBS. They have friends on TBS. Oh, no.

00:19:02.000 And Kuga Tyler, you're in a hotel room after doing a show, and you go, and there they are, and you're like, oh, my God! 0.99

00:19:07.000 What the fuck happened? 1.00

00:19:09.000 That fucking plastic surgery those chicks do, it doesn't make them look better. 1.00

00:19:13.000 It just makes them look different. 1.00

00:19:15.000 When you start shooting shit into your face to freeze it up and puff your cheeks up to hide wrinkles, it does not make you look better. 0.99

00:19:21.000 It just makes you look different. 0.99

00:19:23.000 And there's the uncanny valley.

00:19:25.000 You know what the uncanny valley is?

00:19:27.000 This is a term they use for video games, where, with CGI, they're really close to being able to completely replicate what a person normally looks like.

00:19:36.000 Don't pull up her face. 1.00

00:19:37.000 Don't be rude, you son of a bitch. 1.00

00:19:37.000 No, no, no, I'm not. 1.00

00:19:39.000 This motherfucker. 0.99

00:19:41.000 Uncanny valley, like, There's some videos that you can see now that NVIDIA has created, where they are so close to it looking... 0.99

00:19:53.000 What is this?

00:19:53.000 What are you showing?

00:19:55.000 It shows you all the different stuff.

00:19:57.000 They're not seeing it, but this is for us.

00:19:59.000 It's all the different versions of the Uncanny Valley.

00:20:01.000 I'll pop it up so they can see it.

00:20:02.000 Okay, well, let me just explain the term.

00:20:04.000 Don't pull this up.

00:20:06.000 The term that they use in... 0.81

00:20:08.000 You're confusing the shit out of me. 0.99

00:20:09.000 Yeah, I have no idea what the fuck's going on here. 0.98

00:20:10.000 This has nothing to do with that. 0.98

00:20:12.000 That's a different uncanny valley.

00:20:13.000 The uncanny valley that we're talking about is the difference between CGI, like high-level CGI, and a person.

00:20:19.000 Like, it's so close, but there's something creepy about it.

00:20:22.000 And that's what they call the uncanny valley.

00:20:24.000 There's this valley that they can't quite cross.

00:20:27.000 The dead eye.

00:20:27.000 Like, did you see...

00:20:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:29.000 Well, did you see the latest NVIDIA shit? 0.99

00:20:32.000 Have you seen that? 0.99

00:20:33.000 I'm pretty sure we could show that.

00:20:35.000 Show NVIDIA's latest technology for CGI. Oh, the guy's face.

00:20:39.000 Yeah, the guy's face.

00:20:40.000 We saw it in person, me and Todd Messereau from my TV show.

00:20:45.000 We went to see it in person in Northern California.

00:20:47.000 That's it.

00:20:48.000 That's the guy. 0.99

00:20:49.000 It's fucking incredible, man. 0.98

00:20:50.000 But it still hasn't bridged that uncanny valley. 0.98

00:20:54.000 We could show this on the podcast.

00:20:55.000 Yeah.

00:20:56.000 This is all NVIDIA's technology, and they have pores, they have sweat, but what they can't do is tongues. 0.69

00:21:04.000 So when the guy's talking, they can't quite do tongues. 0.58

00:21:07.000 And the teeth look a little fucking weird. 0.99

00:21:10.000 His eyes look dead. 0.99

00:21:11.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:12.000 But goddamn, that's pretty close. 0.99

00:21:14.000 That's getting real close. 0.99

00:21:14.000 It is. 0.99

00:21:17.000 But there's still something about it where you're like, man, I don't know.

00:21:21.000 They got skin down, but they don't have edge down. 0.92

00:21:24.000 Like, the edge detection around the forehead, you can see it's a little weird.

00:21:27.000 Yeah, like a green screen, right?

00:21:29.000 Yeah, it's like the difference between the...

00:21:32.000 Well, it's also...

00:21:33.000 Why is everything in the background blurry, you know?

00:21:37.000 Well, I guess that's just a sample, but still it's...

00:21:39.000 But you're pretending, what, this is an old-school camera?

00:21:41.000 Is that what you're doing? 0.99

00:21:42.000 Like, why is that shit all blurry like that? 1.00

00:21:45.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99

00:21:47.000 And his head's floating. 0.99

00:21:49.000 But that's, like, real close.

00:21:54.000 But they still can't do that yet.

00:21:56.000 I don't know why we were bringing up the Uncanny Valley. 1.00

00:21:59.000 Because the fucking people with plastic surgery. 1.00

00:22:01.000 That's right. 1.00

00:22:02.000 Because they got that uncanny fucking valley. 1.00

00:22:04.000 They all look the same. 1.00

00:22:04.000 That's what it is. 1.00

00:22:05.000 And they're all starting to look creepier and creepier.

00:22:07.000 And they're not all going to be happy until they all look like Walking Dead or something like that.

00:22:11.000 They're all going to be hanging out together.

00:22:13.000 Oh, yours looks great.

00:22:14.000 Did you get it done? 0.99

00:22:15.000 No, you don't look fucking great. 1.00

00:22:17.000 You look like a fucking something. 1.00

00:22:19.000 You look monstrous. 1.00

00:22:20.000 They start looking monstrous.

00:22:23.000 It's unfortunate.

00:22:24.000 And it looks, you know, it looks crazy. 0.99

00:22:27.000 Like you're a crazy person. 0.97

00:22:28.000 Like you're doing, you know, it's not like some tribal thing where you're doing like some tribal scarring on your face. 0.99

00:22:34.000 The women from Mob Wives.

00:22:37.000 Have you ever seen those women? 0.95

00:22:38.000 No.

00:22:39.000 The big one, Big Ang, I just saw her last night when I was scrolling.

00:22:42.000 Yeah? 1.00

00:22:42.000 Oh my god, they just, she's shooting shit like Jail Sonnen. 1.00

00:22:47.000 She's just shooting shit constantly. 1.00

00:22:50.000 All those women, those East Coast women, the fake tits, the fat taking off their body, the tightening the legs, the ass implants, you can put implants in your ass. 1.00

00:23:01.000 By the way, dog, I've been torturing this hooker for about a month. 1.00

00:23:04.000 What hooker? 1.00

00:23:05.000 Bobby Slayton style, just torturing her. 1.00

00:23:09.000 Torturing her.

00:23:09.000 Who?

00:23:10.000 I went to 7-Eleven one night on Magnolia there, and I come out, and there's a black girl in the Jeep that is banging. 1.00

00:23:16.000 And she comes out, she goes, are you a stand-up?

00:23:19.000 She goes, I'd really like to get into stand-up.

00:23:19.000 I'm like, yeah.

00:23:22.000 I'd like to talk more about it.

00:23:23.000 I go, there's an open mic at the Ha Ha.

00:23:26.000 Good on this. 0.99

00:23:26.000 She goes, I've been down there, but the guy's rude to me and all this shit. 0.99

00:23:31.000 So I go down there like three weeks later and I see you. 0.95

00:23:34.000 And I'm like, hey man, you been trying this?

00:23:36.000 She goes, no, I'm still taking notes.

00:23:37.000 I mean, this chick is gorgeous. 1.00

00:23:39.000 She goes, I'm still taking notes, but you can tell there's something not right, you know, and there's something not right.

00:23:44.000 So she's like, you know, I just need somebody to take me under their wing and do it to me and all this stuff.

00:23:48.000 Can I give you digits?

00:23:49.000 And I'll give you a call.

00:23:51.000 And then she started with the calls, you know, how are you?

00:23:54.000 I'm like, I'm fine.

00:23:55.000 She goes, when can we, I can't, you know, I can't teach you comedy.

00:23:58.000 You gotta go out there and do it, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:24:01.000 And then finally I would go, well, go here.

00:24:03.000 You know, go over there.

00:24:04.000 Go to fly.

00:24:04.000 I don't know where else to go.

00:24:05.000 And I wouldn't talk to her for weeks at a time and she'd call me like, where are you going?

00:24:08.000 I'm going to the comedy store.

00:24:10.000 Can you talk to them for me? 1.00

00:24:11.000 I can't get you up at the fucking comedy store. 0.99

00:24:13.000 And then one day she started talking about how Jeep blew up and she needs $1,000. 0.99

00:24:18.000 You know, right there, I just started giggling.

00:24:19.000 Like, I just knew.

00:24:20.000 Now, once they do that, you're intrigued.

00:24:23.000 Right.

00:24:24.000 To see where it goes.

00:24:25.000 Now you want to talk to them.

00:24:26.000 Because she's trying to play you. 1.00

00:24:26.000 Right. 1.00

00:24:27.000 Right.

00:24:28.000 So then finally I got the call one night.

00:24:30.000 She's like, are you going to be home in the next 10 minutes?

00:24:32.000 I'm busy right now.

00:24:32.000 Can I call you back?

00:24:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:34.000 And I know she's got to be, like, a stripper or something, you know, because she disappears. 1.00

00:24:39.000 Like, she'll call me, like, at eight and go, are you doing comedy tonight?

00:24:42.000 Yeah.

00:24:42.000 I'm doing the spot 11. All right, I'm gonna come see you.

00:24:45.000 And then I'll never see you.

00:24:46.000 And then she'll call me, like, a week later and go, she always disappears if it's after, like, 10. So she does something.

00:24:52.000 Right.

00:24:53.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:24:53.000 So finally, she called me one night, and I just, I'm like, I don't even want to talk to this.

00:24:58.000 I can't even have fun with her.

00:24:59.000 Right.

00:25:00.000 Because she's trying to lie to me. 1.00

00:25:02.000 At least if she would just tell me she was a hooker, I would torment her. 1.00

00:25:05.000 So finally, the clouds parted. 0.99

00:25:05.000 Right. 0.99

00:25:07.000 And she's like, you know, I really need this thousand dollars.

00:25:10.000 I really need $2,700.

00:25:12.000 I could take $1,000 to help me out, so you need $2,700.

00:25:16.000 But I could take $1,000.

00:25:16.000 You could take $1,000.

00:25:18.000 But I could take $1,000 to help me out.

00:25:20.000 Like, you're like, well, I don't know.

00:25:22.000 Yeah, because she's a DJ. Supposedly she's a DJ. She DJs, too. 1.00

00:25:27.000 That's why I don't see her late night, because I'm a DJ, you know.

00:25:30.000 Okay.

00:25:31.000 What do you DJ? Oh, I just do independent parties.

00:25:33.000 What do you make?

00:25:33.000 Really?

00:25:35.000 $500 a night. 0.99

00:25:35.000 Then what the fuck you need $1,000 for? 0.99

00:25:37.000 Well... 1.00

00:25:38.000 You know, they want $3,000 for my Jeep and shit. 1.00

00:25:41.000 So I finally said, this fucking bitch is crazy. 1.00

00:25:43.000 I'm not going to give her any money. 1.00

00:25:44.000 So the other night, I pull up at 7-Eleven. 0.99

00:25:47.000 I'm not going to give her no fucking money, Joe. 0.98

00:25:49.000 I pull up at 7-Eleven, I see her at the counter, and I'm sitting with Lee. 1.00

00:25:49.000 You're crazy. 1.00

00:25:53.000 And she comes out, and she's like, how come you won't return my calls no more? 1.00

00:25:56.000 What's wrong with you?

00:25:58.000 I go, listen, I've just been busy, you know.

00:26:00.000 I'm doing comedy over the valley, down over the hill.

00:26:02.000 You're never around.

00:26:04.000 I can't help you.

00:26:05.000 She's like, you really got to help me with that money.

00:26:06.000 Me and Leah Howland, because I told Leah about it.

00:26:09.000 Me and Leah Howland.

00:26:11.000 She hasn't seen you in a week, and she's running after you. 0.99

00:26:13.000 You really got to help me with that money.

00:26:13.000 Weeks, yeah.

00:26:14.000 Yeah, you really got to help me with that paper.

00:26:16.000 So I said, all right, let me drop Leah home, and I'll call you.

00:26:19.000 So I called, and I go, listen, how much do you need?

00:26:22.000 She goes, $1,000.

00:26:23.000 I go, listen, I'm not just going to give you $1,000.

00:26:26.000 She goes, then what do you want to do? 1.00

00:26:28.000 I go, well, if I give you a thousand bucks, I'm going to put it in every orifice in your fucking body. 1.00

00:26:33.000 And there was, like, silence, you know? 1.00

00:26:35.000 I'm not going to fuck this chick, you know? 1.00

00:26:36.000 I know, I know. 1.00

00:26:37.000 You're just playing.

00:26:38.000 I'm just pushing it.

00:26:39.000 I hate when women try to play you. 1.00

00:26:40.000 Like, just tell me you want to suck dick, and I'll give you the genome. 1.00

00:26:44.000 And she still refuses. 1.00

00:26:46.000 She's like, I don't know what you're talking about. 1.00

00:26:47.000 I go, listen, if I give you the thousand, I'm going to stick it in your fucking ass. 1.00

00:26:50.000 I mean, this ain't no game. 1.00

00:26:52.000 And she's like, okay.

00:26:54.000 She said okay?

00:26:55.000 She broke.

00:26:56.000 She goes, where are we gonna go? 1.00

00:26:58.000 I'll take her to a hotel, wherever the fuck, you know. 0.99

00:27:00.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 0.99

00:27:02.000 And I go, meet me on the corner by the gym now. 1.00

00:27:05.000 That bitch is still waiting. 1.00

00:27:09.000 She's been calling me since Thursday night, every hour at the hour. 1.00

00:27:13.000 Where you at, boo?

00:27:15.000 Where you at, boo?

00:27:15.000 I need that money.

00:27:17.000 You gotta help me with that paper.

00:27:18.000 I'll go half seats with somebody if you wanna go half seats.

00:27:21.000 Nothing bothers me more.

00:27:22.000 I want the bottom half, though.

00:27:24.000 Nothing bothers me more. 0.97

00:27:25.000 I gotta tell you something, Brian, she's fucking amazing. 0.98

00:27:28.000 Yeah? 0.99

00:27:29.000 7-Eleven corner of what?

00:27:30.000 She said she's from Jersey.

00:27:31.000 Yeah, we'll talk.

00:27:32.000 Magnolia and...

00:27:37.000 Dude, you're giving out her spot. 0.98

00:27:38.000 Come on, Joey.

00:27:39.000 You're blowing up her spot.

00:27:41.000 She needs $1,000. 1.00

00:27:42.000 Someone's gonna go down there and go, you know, Joey Diaz been talking shit about you. 1.00

00:27:45.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:27:46.000 She needs $1,000. 1.00

00:27:47.000 I ain't gonna give it to her. 0.55

00:27:48.000 Someone's gonna find her and put a camera in her face. 1.00

00:27:50.000 Listen to me. 1.00

00:27:51.000 There's a black chick for months that's a fucking 10 with a blonde wig. 1.00

00:27:57.000 That I've seen her walk in that studio. 1.00

00:27:59.000 In fact, she hangs out outside of Gelson's and waits for old Jewish red, old men. 0.98

00:28:04.000 I've seen her.

00:28:04.000 Really?

00:28:05.000 I've parked there.

00:28:06.000 My wife has gone to Gelson's.

00:28:08.000 I waited outside with the baby and seen her.

00:28:10.000 With a blonde wig.

00:28:11.000 I've been in that coffee shop, and she walks by, and everybody looks at her.

00:28:15.000 She's young.

00:28:17.000 She's young, because she came into the coffee shop once, and she started asking us questions about where this at, like, playing us, you know, like, just in case somebody said, you look good.

00:28:25.000 Well, I ain't busy right now.

00:28:26.000 What are you doing?

00:28:27.000 You can tell she's a woman.

00:28:28.000 They get away with it.

00:28:29.000 Oh, yeah.

00:28:30.000 She's a professional.

00:28:31.000 A young girl.

00:28:32.000 Does it right.

00:28:33.000 She doesn't wear the heels.

00:28:35.000 She has the backpack.

00:28:36.000 You know, she's the real deal. 1.00

00:28:38.000 I've seen her up and down that fucking thing for months. 1.00

00:28:41.000 So this girl... 1.00

00:28:42.000 If you do it right, they, you know, they get away with it.

00:28:45.000 With the backpack and no sexy clothing.

00:28:47.000 You don't want a blonde wig. 0.94

00:28:48.000 Black and blonde wig always makes me think transgender. 0.98

00:28:52.000 Black and blonde? 0.98

00:28:53.000 Yeah, black... 1.00

00:28:53.000 What, red- red-headed wig? 1.00

00:28:55.000 They're good?

00:28:56.000 That's the Brian test.

00:28:56.000 Yeah.

00:28:57.000 Yeah.

00:28:57.000 Her hair is bright orange.

00:28:59.000 Let's fuck. 1.00

00:28:59.000 The blonde wig is weird. 1.00

00:29:01.000 Blonde wig is weird? 0.98

00:29:02.000 On a black lady. 0.99

00:29:03.000 Oh, okay. 0.66

00:29:04.000 It just looks kind of like...

00:29:06.000 Disguise-y.

00:29:06.000 It's odd.

00:29:07.000 Well, it's, you know, you should be able to wear whatever the fuck you want to wear, but when I see, like, a Chinese chick with blonde hair, an Asian chick with blonde hair, or a black chick with blonde hair, I'm like, you look good with black hair. 0.95

00:29:18.000 You don't have to do that. 0.98

00:29:19.000 Right.

00:29:20.000 But what difference does it make?

00:29:21.000 Eve looks good with blonde hair. 1.00

00:29:23.000 Eve, the chick from that TV show, The Rapper.

00:29:23.000 Who's Eve?

00:29:27.000 What TV show is that?

00:29:28.000 I don't know.

00:29:28.000 Eve?

00:29:29.000 Jamie, you know what it is.

00:29:30.000 What's the name of it?

00:29:31.000 It's Eve from like the 90s, early 2000s.

00:29:33.000 She's tall.

00:29:34.000 She's in barbershop. 1.00

00:29:36.000 She has blonde hair. 1.00

00:29:38.000 Not this fucking guy. 1.00

00:29:39.000 That looks like the old manager from the comedy store. 1.00

00:29:44.000 Eve is fucking right there. 1.00

00:29:47.000 But she looks good. 1.00

00:29:48.000 She's big, Joe Rogan.

00:29:49.000 That's a big mama. 1.00

00:29:52.000 That's a pretty girl. 0.99

00:29:53.000 Yeah, she's good looking. 1.00

00:29:54.000 I like her.

00:29:55.000 Look at her, yeah. 0.81

00:29:56.000 She's in barbershop. 1.00

00:29:57.000 But I think she wears a blonde wig. 1.00

00:30:00.000 That's her hair, bleached blonde, it looks like. 0.92

00:30:02.000 That's nice.

00:30:03.000 No, she's banging, guys, and she's tall. 1.00

00:30:05.000 Well, so many black chicks wear weaves, you know, which is really strange. 1.00

00:30:09.000 Like, they wear hair, like, kind of sewn into their hair.

00:30:13.000 Have you ever smelled it?

00:30:15.000 It smells funny.

00:30:16.000 Yeah, it's got oils and stuff.

00:30:18.000 Funny, like, Carrot Top, or funny, like, Louis C.K.? Funny, like, gasoline and fucking odors. 0.99

00:30:25.000 Like, she'll fucking explode if I have a joint next to her ear. 1.00

00:30:30.000 Ha ha ha ha ha! 0.99

00:30:33.000 I gotta think there'd be some fermenting going on, right?

00:30:36.000 And it's hard.

00:30:37.000 It's not...

00:30:37.000 Like, I... Never mind.

00:30:39.000 I can't say that story.

00:30:40.000 But you feel the weave when you run your fingers through it? 0.96

00:30:42.000 Yeah, you can't really.

00:30:43.000 It feels like plastic.

00:30:44.000 There's a whole bunch of different kinds.

00:30:45.000 Like, Tiffany Haddish had one that was, like, plastic, where it felt like...

00:30:48.000 It looked like the predator's hair.

00:30:50.000 And have you seen Tiffany Haddish's hair lately?

00:30:53.000 Now she just has this humongous, like, 70s fro.

00:30:56.000 Nice! 0.94

00:30:56.000 And every time she's in a picture with somebody, it looks like she's, like, in between two ferns. 0.94

00:31:00.000 It's great.

00:31:02.000 Yeah, we know this documentary, Jamie. 1.00

00:31:03.000 Shut all this shit off. 0.99

00:31:05.000 So weaves is like what the blonde girl had. 1.00

00:31:09.000 Yes.

00:31:09.000 That's a weave.

00:31:11.000 I'm talking about what black girls had. 1.00

00:31:12.000 Yeah, that's a weave, too.

00:31:14.000 It's a hair weave.

00:31:14.000 I was confused.

00:31:15.000 We can get a weave.

00:31:16.000 Yeah, guys can get weaves. 0.98

00:31:17.000 Yeah, they just sew your hair onto other hair. 0.80

00:31:19.000 Like Nicholas Cage in all his movies. 0.99

00:31:21.000 He gets a fucking weave and everything. 0.99

00:31:23.000 Well, they also have these wigs that have what, it's like a lace front, so it looks like your skin, like they glue it to your head, and it looks like the hair is coming right out of your skin until you get right up in there, and you're like, What the fuck's going on there? 0.99

00:31:38.000 Yeah, they don't have that downright either.

00:31:41.000 There's that show, Undercover Boss.

00:31:42.000 I don't know if you ever see that, where they take a CEO of Boston Market, and then he gets thrown in as a regular employee at one of their stores.

00:31:51.000 And it's cool because he catches all the things wrong with his store and people don't know. 0.95

00:31:55.000 But they always give him, like, the dumbest, like, fake mustache. 0.99

00:31:58.000 And it looks so fake. 0.98

00:31:59.000 And, like, all the employees have to be like, all right, what is this?

00:32:02.000 Like, there's something going on here.

00:32:02.000 Undercover Boss?

00:32:03.000 The employees are probably all in on it.

00:32:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:05.000 It's probably all horseshit. 0.99

00:32:07.000 So much of those shows, they're faking, like, what? 0.99

00:32:10.000 I'm in trouble?

00:32:11.000 Like, so many of them are set up in advance, and especially ones that make people look bad, because you've got to think, like, how much are they going to pay this person to ruin their life?

00:32:11.000 What?

00:32:19.000 What are they going to give you, $1,500?

00:32:21.000 Like, what scale on one of those shows?

00:32:23.000 They're going to ruin your life, and you agree to this.

00:32:25.000 They can't just film you and put you on television.

00:32:27.000 Like, you have to sign a waiver.

00:32:29.000 Yeah, well, they say how they do that is they say it's a different reality show.

00:32:33.000 It's like, this is a reality show about a guy that's, he's a waiter at this table, and we're giving him the opportunity to own his own restaurant.

00:32:39.000 So it's like another game show that's not Undercover Boss.

00:32:42.000 That's how they sign the papers.

00:32:44.000 Oh, so it's deception.

00:32:45.000 Yes, deception.

00:32:46.000 That seems like they can get sued.

00:32:48.000 Well, it's deception by its own company that they work for, so I think it's kind of...

00:32:53.000 There's, like, that loophole. 0.99

00:32:54.000 What the fuck? 0.98

00:32:55.000 Once you cash the check, they ain't no going back. 1.00

00:32:58.000 This poor kid's gonna make him 10 bucks an hour.

00:33:00.000 You give him a check for 600 a day.

00:33:02.000 Once you cash that check, they ain't no going back, Jack.

00:33:05.000 You know, that's...

00:33:08.000 There's a lot of those shows now, too.

00:33:10.000 It's amazing how easy it is to make one of those shows.

00:33:12.000 There's still hidden camera shows.

00:33:13.000 Did you know that?

00:33:14.000 My friends still executive produce hidden cameras.

00:33:18.000 Well, Howie Mandel has that show, right?

00:33:20.000 He has a show where he does hidden camera things, where you make money, the more you get people to do.

00:33:25.000 Like, you gotta tell your wife you're leaving her for a man. 0.96

00:33:28.000 And, you know, like, and you get, like, 500 bucks for that.

00:33:30.000 You get more for more things you do.

00:33:32.000 It's like...

00:33:33.000 I did that show for CBS years ago, like six years ago.

00:33:37.000 It was called Game Show in My Head. 0.99

00:33:39.000 And we would put this little earpiece in these people, and then they would go out and we would make them do shit on camera. 0.99

00:33:46.000 We had this guy... 0.95

00:33:48.000 We put him in the middle of Hollywood and gave him a suit and put some news cameras, like it was a news camera show, and had these people come over and you had to tell people that you were there to talk to someone who was a witness for a UFO. And they took off and you got to ask these other people,

00:34:12.000 would you pretend it was you?

00:34:13.000 Would you pretend that you saw this UFO? And you gotta get them to admit that they were taken aboard the aircraft and that they were probed.

00:34:22.000 That they did some medical examinations on them.

00:34:24.000 And they got people to do it.

00:34:25.000 Yeah.

00:34:26.000 That's how I knew that all that... 0.99

00:34:27.000 That was like a huge eye-opener for me about how full of shit people are when it comes to UFOs. 0.99

00:34:32.000 Everybody's talking about it. 0.99

00:34:33.000 Yeah, it came down the field and it wasn't from Earth.

00:34:36.000 I've seen a lot of airplanes on TV. It didn't look nothing like that.

00:34:40.000 And it was spinning around in a circle and there was no doors.

00:34:43.000 And I saw these little... 1.00

00:34:44.000 Those people are full of shit. 1.00

00:34:46.000 There's a giant percentage of those people. 1.00

00:34:48.000 You put a camera in front of their face, and they just start talking.

00:34:51.000 And we didn't have no problem. 0.99

00:34:53.000 We got like seven people to just, right away, to just start making shit up, right off the top of their head. 0.99

00:34:58.000 All of them did it. 0.99

00:34:59.000 No one said no. 0.97

00:35:01.000 It was ridiculous. 1.00

00:35:02.000 And we all, everyone that did that show with me, we all left it and we were like, what the fuck, man? 1.00

00:35:07.000 Like, everybody just lied. 0.98

00:35:09.000 Like, at least I expected a few people to be like, what?

00:35:12.000 You want me to make up a story about being taken aboard a UFO? Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:35:15.000 That's the reality show. 0.99

00:35:16.000 Yeah.

00:35:17.000 Just to play Martians. 0.96

00:35:19.000 Get, like, a fake rocket ship and just go to places like at one in the morning, like, landing. 0.99

00:35:24.000 We're here, bitches! 1.00

00:35:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:26.000 See all these motherfuckers that wanted to see Martians all these fucking years run down that street like it's King fucking Kong. 1.00

00:35:32.000 They would start shooting, yeah, like that. 1.00

00:35:34.000 Yeah, in today's world, they would start shooting.

00:35:36.000 Too many people have guns. 1.00

00:35:37.000 Yeah, in today's world, people would shoot one of those fucking... 1.00

00:35:39.000 How about in the fucking 90s? 1.00

00:35:41.000 They would have shot UFOs. 1.00

00:35:43.000 They would shoot UFOs.

00:35:44.000 Any time someone's had a gun, They're willing to shoot, like, a UFO if it lands.

00:35:50.000 Like, the odds of... 0.99

00:35:51.000 If you get 1,000 people with guns, and a UFO lands in front of them, 500 people are pulling that fucking trigger. 0.99

00:35:56.000 Now, let me ask you this. 0.98

00:35:57.000 You're an intelligent guy.

00:35:58.000 When you have a UFO landing, and you have 10 people that concur, they saw the same thing, or they saw something, what is that? 0.99

00:36:06.000 When I go from door to fucking door and pay people, I mean, what the fuck? 0.99

00:36:09.000 It could be a bunch of things. 0.99

00:36:12.000 The thing is, it could be from another planet.

00:36:14.000 It could be.

00:36:15.000 If it's possible for us to put a rover on Mars, it's possible for them to send a ship from another galaxy.

00:36:21.000 Of course it's possible.

00:36:22.000 Not only that, we assume that these aliens, that everybody keeps seeing these gray aliens with the big black eyes, we assume that they're living beings.

00:36:30.000 They could easily be robots.

00:36:32.000 If we're this close to To crossing that uncanny valley and making some sort of an artificial computer generated image. 0.58

00:36:39.000 If the technology continues to accelerate to the point where you can actually get a ship to go through a fucking wormhole, the real impeding factor, I would think, would be biological life.

00:36:51.000 Like, why send something living when you can make something artificial? 0.58

00:36:54.000 They're so close to being able to make artificial life.

00:36:56.000 And when I say so close, within 100 years?

00:36:59.000 I mean, I don't think anybody disputes that.

00:37:01.000 They'll have some form of artificial life within 100 years.

00:37:03.000 A robot with skin that looks like us?

00:37:05.000 Now go in the future.

00:37:07.000 The Earth is for...

00:37:07.000 Let's...

00:37:09.000 Something billion years old, but we're not the oldest planet.

00:37:12.000 We're not in the oldest galaxy.

00:37:15.000 Like, not even close.

00:37:16.000 Like, the universe is 14 billion years old, supposedly.

00:37:20.000 So that means an extra 10 billion years for things to form and possibly grow.

00:37:25.000 Even at one billion years, even a million years. 0.94

00:37:28.000 Who the fuck knows what we could do in a million years? 0.96

00:37:30.000 So if these UFOs show up and these little aliens are inside of it, they're probably robots. 0.99

00:37:34.000 I would assume that unless they figure out some incredible way to bypass space and time and to fold space and create a wormhole and punch through like they did in Event Horizon and all these physics documentaries where they talk about the possibility of using wormholes, it's all crazy theoretical shit.

00:37:52.000 But until they figure out how to do that and send, like, monkeys back and forth for a few years, they're not...

00:37:57.000 I mean, why wouldn't they just send robots?

00:37:58.000 Just like we're sending a robot to Mars.

00:38:00.000 I mean, it looks like a toaster and it's got wheels and it's rolling around, but it's a robot.

00:38:04.000 If we sent a robot that looked like Tracy Lords and it was walking around on Mars, I mean, that would be what it looked like.

00:38:10.000 You know, it just so happens that we sent one that looks like a toaster.

00:38:14.000 But it doesn't. 0.97

00:38:15.000 A thousand years from now, we could send whatever the fuck we want. 0.91

00:38:17.000 We could send Bob Costas to the moon. 0.99

00:38:19.000 You know, Bob Costas, robot Bob Costas would be reporting from the surface and the fucking moon. 0.98

00:38:24.000 You know, I've never been a big Martian guy. 0.98

00:38:26.000 And I always... 0.99

00:38:27.000 And I always thought that fucking... 0.98

00:38:30.000 You know, you always think that the high population of areas are Area 51 and maybe in the south. 0.99

00:38:35.000 Right.

00:38:36.000 You know, you just write it off.

00:38:37.000 But it isn't.

00:38:38.000 The high populations of Martian sightings and UFOs is where I grew up.

00:38:43.000 It's northern New Jersey. 0.97

00:38:44.000 I fucking couldn't believe it. 0.99

00:38:46.000 Well, you know why? 0.99

00:38:47.000 This is the conspiracy theory.

00:38:49.000 Do you know the conspiracy theory?

00:38:50.000 Why?

00:38:50.000 That's where Bell Laboratories are.

00:38:52.000 In Jersey?

00:38:53.000 Yes.

00:38:54.000 The big conspiracy.

00:38:55.000 This is the big conspiracy.

00:38:57.000 This goes back way back.

00:38:58.000 There was a company on the internet, I don't know if you remember it, called the American Computer Company.

00:39:03.000 And they had this website.

00:39:04.000 They made computers.

00:39:05.000 It was back in the day where you'd call up or you would fill out, like, specs.

00:39:09.000 Like, you know, hey, I want a 300 Celeron processor and this and that.

00:39:13.000 And they would put together a computer for you.

00:39:14.000 But they also had this website page that was dedicated to conspiracies about the creation of the The, was it the transistor?

00:39:25.000 The stereo.

00:39:27.000 Bell Laboratories invented the stereo.

00:39:29.000 Yeah, there was certain aspects of sound and electronics that were invented in Bell Laboratories.

00:39:36.000 And this website supposedly pulls, this is the big conspiracy, pulls the cover We're good to go.

00:39:53.000 We're good to go.

00:40:10.000 We're good to go.

00:40:17.000 We're good to go.

00:40:19.000 We're good to go.

00:40:22.000 We're good to go.

00:40:23.000 We're good to go.

00:40:27.000 We're good to go. 0.98

00:40:27.000 So you got to think, you know, there's the Cold War days and the Russians and there's all this, the technological races to try to get to the moon and all that other shit. 0.98

00:40:35.000 I mean, we were racing with the Russians virtually everything.

00:40:38.000 Nuclear power, nuclear weapons, space travel.

00:40:42.000 And so this Bell Labs apparently played a very vital role in, you know, United States strategic technology advancement, like, for whatever it was. 0.92

00:40:51.000 But this American computer company was convinced that all this shit came from UFOs, from the crash saucer in Roswell, and they back-engineered it. 0.95

00:41:01.000 There's a lot of people that believe that. 0.99

00:41:02.000 Northern New Jersey is like the capital, if you look at fucking sightings. 0.99

00:41:06.000 It's not Roswell. 0.99

00:41:08.000 It's Northern New Jersey. 0.99

00:41:10.000 That's fucking Karlstadt all the way to fucking, like, Bergen County. 0.99

00:41:14.000 Well, it could also be the air quality in New Jersey is so fucking bad that people are just delirious all the time. 0.99

00:41:20.000 They're living in those swamp towns. 0.99

00:41:22.000 But there's one story that came in North Bergen, and this is the part of town where it's fucking uppity. 0.99

00:41:30.000 And they interviewed all these people. 0.97

00:41:32.000 And I stayed up one night and looked at it.

00:41:33.000 There's a tape on YouTube.

00:41:35.000 There's a video on YouTube. 0.99

00:41:36.000 They show where the thing landed on the baseball diamond and all this shit. 0.98

00:41:40.000 But then they went to all those business owners. 0.98

00:41:42.000 And whenever you see...

00:41:44.000 Last night I was watching something.

00:41:45.000 They showed a view of New York.

00:41:46.000 There's a circular building.

00:41:48.000 That's the building that complained the most.

00:41:50.000 That they saw the lights, people landing, taking samples of dirt out. 0.99

00:41:54.000 I mean, it could have been anybody fucking with them. 0.97

00:41:56.000 But not all these people in conjunction. 0.99

00:42:08.000 Maybe all those broads were just seeing stars. 1.00

00:42:15.000 He mocks his own line.

00:42:17.000 Meanwhile, you thought about that before you said it. 1.00

00:42:19.000 You're like, this is the shit. 0.99

00:42:21.000 Well, you kept on saying that they saw lights and they were talking about jerseys, so whatever. 1.00

00:42:25.000 You know what I think?

00:42:26.000 That's terrible.

00:42:27.000 Don't even explain it.

00:42:28.000 I know.

00:42:29.000 It doesn't work.

00:42:30.000 You know what I think, too?

00:42:32.000 The CIA came out with this report recently about how many of the UFO sightings that people saw was actually experimental aircraft that they were working on.

00:42:41.000 And that was real recent.

00:42:44.000 Like, they admitted this kind of stuff.

00:42:45.000 But then you also have, like, remote control drones.

00:42:49.000 I mean, they've had that kind of technology, like radio control technology.

00:42:53.000 They've had that for a long time.

00:42:55.000 And they've been able to do things not, like, quite to the level that they can do them now, but they've been able to do things.

00:43:01.000 Like, they used to have drone airliners.

00:43:03.000 They could send an airliner with no people on it.

00:43:05.000 They were going to use that.

00:43:06.000 That was part of Operation Northwoods.

00:43:08.000 They were going to blow it up.

00:43:10.000 They can't land them.

00:43:11.000 They couldn't land them in, like, 1962. But they could launch them.

00:43:14.000 So what they were gonna do is they were gonna have this plane take off, and they were gonna say all these people were in it, and they were gonna blow it up in the sky.

00:43:21.000 And they were gonna blame it on Cuba.

00:43:23.000 And that was gonna be what led us to go to war with Cuba.

00:43:26.000 Because that was when, like, the Russians were trying to put military bases there, and they were gonna have missiles pointed at the U.S. from right over there. 0.93

00:43:33.000 That was the Bay of Pigs and all that shit. 0.95

00:43:35.000 Like, it got real hot and heavy. 0.99

00:43:37.000 There was this, like, real showdown between the United States and Russia.

00:43:41.000 Over Cuba and over them having missiles in Cuba.

00:43:44.000 And one of the things that we're going to do, they're going to arm Cuban friendlies.

00:43:47.000 They're going to give, like, people that they had good relationships with, they're going to give them arms and have them attack Guantanamo Bay, because we have a military base in Cuba.

00:43:55.000 And this blowing up this airliner was a big part of their thing. 0.98

00:43:59.000 Like, everyone's going to make up a bunch of fake people, and they're all missing, and have actors play their parents crying on TV, all that kind of shit. 0.91

00:44:06.000 But they had the capability in 1962 to shoot a plane up. 0.99

00:44:11.000 They couldn't land it, like I said, but they could definitely fly that fucking thing. 0.99

00:44:15.000 It's pretty crazy. 0.99

00:44:16.000 So you gotta think, how many, like, remote-controlled, like, saucers did they have?

00:44:21.000 How many remote-controlled...

00:44:22.000 I mean, some of the drones that they have now, they look completely alien.

00:44:26.000 Well, this is early 70s.

00:44:27.000 This is when the Martians landed in Hudson County Park.

00:44:27.000 Yeah.

00:44:30.000 Or mid-70s when they landed, so...

00:44:33.000 But since then, it's... 0.98

00:44:35.000 There's a ton of fucking spots, and people spotting those things in northern New Jersey. 0.88

00:44:40.000 Yeah, CIA admits most UFO sightings in the 1950s and the 60s were our planes. 0.98

00:44:50.000 Yeah, they have all these crazy jets apparently they're working on.

00:44:53.000 It was confirming in a report that the U-2 spy planes and test flights over the U.S. coincided with a lot of the UFO sightings. 0.99

00:45:03.000 Yeah, I mean, think about that fucking... 0.98

00:45:05.000 Have you ever seen one of those stealth bombers in real life? 1.00

00:45:07.000 You ever seen one flying overhead?

00:45:09.000 No.

00:45:10.000 Dude, it looks like you're in a science fiction movie. 0.99

00:45:12.000 It's like some War of the Worlds, Star Trek type shit. 0.98

00:45:16.000 We were in Palmdale and we were doing Fear Factor and we saw several of them because Fear Factor started post 9-11. 0.97

00:45:23.000 So it was like right after 9-11.

00:45:25.000 It was actually one of the things that people were saying. 1.00

00:45:27.000 One of the dumbass fucking reporter questions that I got when I was doing press for Fear Factor. 0.99

00:45:33.000 This lady goes, don't you think that it's in poor taste to have a show that concentrates on fear Right after 9-11. 1.00

00:45:40.000 Wow. 1.00

00:45:41.000 You fucking idiot. 1.00

00:45:42.000 They're gonna jump off a bridge with a bungee cord and eat an eyeball. 1.00

00:45:46.000 Like, yeah. 0.83

00:45:47.000 It's like the terrorists won.

00:45:49.000 You're right.

00:45:49.000 The terrorists won.

00:45:53.000 But my point being that when those things flew by, we were out there in Palmdale, and those things flew by because it was a lot of military activity.

00:46:00.000 It was right when the war was about to start.

00:46:02.000 They looked like they were from another planet, man.

00:46:05.000 I know they weren't.

00:46:06.000 I know where they were going.

00:46:07.000 They were going to Edwards Air Force Base.

00:46:09.000 It's right out there.

00:46:10.000 When you see them, you're like, oh, my God, those are aliens.

00:46:10.000 Didn't matter.

00:46:13.000 It feels like they're aliens. 1.00

00:46:15.000 You see that black fucking thing? 1.00

00:46:18.000 The sound, I bet. 1.00

00:46:19.000 Dude, they're fast as shit. 0.97

00:46:21.000 And they look, they don't look like any plane you've ever seen before. 0.98

00:46:24.000 They look like spaceships.

00:46:25.000 It looks like a scene in Star Wars where you have some sort of a starport and then, you know, in the background all these planes are landing and taking off into space.

00:46:33.000 That's what we all thought we would be seeing by now anyway, right?

00:46:37.000 We would all...

00:46:37.000 If you were a kid and you said, hey, Joey, what do you think it's gonna be like in 2015?

00:46:41.000 You'd be like, oh, fucking space travel, for sure, right? 0.95

00:46:44.000 Everybody thought we'd have bases on the moon by now. 0.99

00:46:47.000 Everybody thought we'd be flying around in jets.

00:46:50.000 Everybody would be going all over the place.

00:46:52.000 Hover cars, back to the future.

00:46:53.000 This was the year that 2015 was back to the future, too, when he comes in and there's all the cars flying around.

00:46:58.000 We had hoverboards.

00:46:59.000 Yeah.

00:47:00.000 No flying cars. 0.99

00:47:01.000 The flying cars they do have will fucking kill you. 0.98

00:47:05.000 Actually, there's one that's supposed to be pretty good. 0.97

00:47:08.000 There's a couple different guys who've made flying cars, but one of them has, like, these folding wings, and you drive around like this, and then when you take off, the thing goes clink, clink, and the wings come down, and you fly.

00:47:20.000 Like, so you're driving around with the wings up, and you can drive around town like a normal, you know, as good as, like, a Prius or something, and then when you want to, you lower the wings down. 0.93

00:47:30.000 Say, fuck, 405 got traffic. 0.99

00:47:31.000 Pick this motherfucker up right here. 1.00

00:47:33.000 I would need a large parachute on that fucking thing. 1.00

00:47:36.000 There's going to be drunk drivers in the sky now. 1.00

00:47:36.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:47:40.000 Everyone's houses will have, like, a car in it at one point. 0.99

00:47:43.000 I think once they figure out, like, Google Drive, you know, like Google's driving cars, and they figure out how to keep cars in their lanes and have them avoid each other, like, no matter what, they can't collide.

00:47:54.000 Once that technology becomes, like, standard, then I think you might be able to have some sort of a flying vehicle.

00:48:00.000 But until they do, you're gonna have people...

00:48:03.000 Like, you ever watch people in, like, little private planes just fly around? 0.98

00:48:06.000 They just fucking fly around. 0.97

00:48:09.000 I went with Phil Hartman. 0.99

00:48:10.000 He took me up to look at real estate, and we got in one of his...

00:48:14.000 He had a little single-engine plane, and we took this plane up into the sky, and we just flew...

00:48:18.000 He went wherever he wanted to.

00:48:20.000 Like, I'll show you where Malibu is.

00:48:23.000 He doesn't have to call somebody and say, hey, I'm gonna fly over by Malibu.

00:48:26.000 Is that cool?

00:48:27.000 No, he just does it.

00:48:28.000 And they hit each other sometimes.

00:48:30.000 All the time.

00:48:30.000 One just crashed on Van Nuys the other day.

00:48:32.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:48:33.000 Yeah.

00:48:36.000 The only reason why more don't is because there are not more people flying.

00:48:40.000 You know? 1.00

00:48:41.000 Did you watch people fucking spin out like retards in this rain? 1.00

00:48:45.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:48:46.000 You saw them?

00:48:47.000 So many people, yeah.

00:48:48.000 I saw so many people crash in the rain.

00:48:50.000 They just forgot how to drive in the rain.

00:48:52.000 Yeah, I got some good videos.

00:48:53.000 I have that dashboard camera now, so everywhere I go, it records HD video, and every night during the rainstorm, just pull out, save it to computer.

00:49:01.000 There's just tons of clips of people, like, running red lights, almost hitting other cars.

00:49:05.000 They don't know how to stop.

00:49:06.000 They don't know how to slow down.

00:49:08.000 It's amazing.

00:49:09.000 California, we get rain maybe ten times a year on a crazy year.

00:49:14.000 People don't believe that, but that is real, right?

00:49:16.000 I mean, last year, did we get rain three times last year?

00:49:19.000 Was it even three times?

00:49:20.000 Probably wasn't, right?

00:49:22.000 They say we need 11 trillion gallons of water to even out what we've lost in this three-year drought.

00:49:28.000 We're still in a bad drought, right?

00:49:29.000 Like, none of that rain did anything, right?

00:49:32.000 I mean, it's better than no rain, but we need 11 trillion gallons.

00:49:36.000 Up north, they're taking the water out of the ground. 0.99

00:49:40.000 Recycling it and using it again on all the vegetation that's up north, you know, Bakersfield, all those little towns that have, that live off cherries or whatever the fuck they live off, strawberries and shit. 0.52

00:49:53.000 Yeah, like the agricultural towns, right? 0.70

00:49:55.000 I just watched it up 60 Minutes a couple weeks ago was on. 0.98

00:49:57.000 New company, they're busy till fucking 2020. Are they making wells? 0.99

00:50:02.000 Is that what they're doing?

00:50:03.000 No. 0.99

00:50:03.000 They come up and pull the fucking water from all the deepest parts of the earth and they recycle it and use it again. 0.99

00:50:11.000 It's not a well? 1.00

00:50:12.000 No.

00:50:12.000 They go deep.

00:50:14.000 Look it up.

00:50:14.000 It was just on 60 Minutes maybe three weeks ago.

00:50:16.000 Really interesting shit. 0.98

00:50:18.000 I'm amazed that no one's figured out a way to take salt out of water. 1.00

00:50:22.000 They do.

00:50:23.000 They have.

00:50:24.000 But it's not commercially effective.

00:50:27.000 Sewer water.

00:50:28.000 They have the new one with sewer water and they have the people drinking it. 1.00

00:50:31.000 Right from the fucking sewer. 1.00

00:50:33.000 And people drinking water that look like this, dog. 1.00

00:50:36.000 Right from the sewer. 1.00

00:50:37.000 Already with shit. 1.00

00:50:38.000 Yeah, Bill Gates had... 1.00

00:50:39.000 Syringes. 1.00

00:50:41.000 Condoms, pills, fucking old sneakers, and you're there drinking it like a fucking mojito. 1.00

00:50:47.000 And you pay for it. 1.00

00:50:48.000 And you pay for it, but it's a new machine, and it's tremendous.

00:50:52.000 Do you think in the future we're gonna have our own water?

00:50:56.000 Like, the water's gonna be so, you know, bad that we have our own, like, I don't know, 20 gallons supply of water that we can use to cook, wash ourselves, then we pee it out, Clean it, but it's our personal water.

00:51:09.000 You have to keep your own water.

00:51:11.000 That's totally possible.

00:51:12.000 It actually might not be the worst idea.

00:51:15.000 I would be happier drinking my piss water than someone else's piss water.

00:51:19.000 You could hack it. 0.94

00:51:21.000 Would you use your girlfriend's water?

00:51:23.000 You and your loved one would switch waters?

00:51:27.000 Here's the deal. 1.00

00:51:28.000 All of your water came out of someone's dick. 1.00

00:51:30.000 Dinosaur balls. 1.00

00:51:30.000 How about that? 1.00

00:51:31.000 If you think about it, some animal most likely pissed away some water and it evaporated, came down as rain.

00:51:38.000 It can kill water.

00:51:39.000 Yeah, I think the amount of water we have is finite.

00:51:44.000 Even though we're like, oh, we're running out of water, I think the water's going somewhere.

00:51:49.000 I mean, it's still in Earth.

00:51:50.000 It's like, you might not be able to get to it.

00:51:52.000 It might be pouring in Seattle, or it might be...

00:51:54.000 But it's all just water.

00:51:57.000 Like, somehow or another, it gets reused, it evaporates, it comes down again.

00:52:01.000 It's all kind of contained in this crazy ball.

00:52:04.000 And they say that a lot of the water that we drink, you know, it's very likely some of it passed through an animal's body.

00:52:11.000 And was pissed out and was filtered down through, like, a stream.

00:52:15.000 Like, have you ever, like, seen a creek where you have, like, crystal clear spring water that's coming down from a glacier? 0.95

00:52:22.000 Like, that is a woolly mammoth dick pissed out some of this water, and that water, like, seeped into the earth or gets sucked up in moisture. 0.99

00:52:30.000 It's very possible that a lot of this stuff actually came from animals' dicks. 0.94

00:52:35.000 So if we get to a point where we're so good at recycling water that you know when you're getting water, even though it was poopy water or piss water or whatever, there's nothing in there but water.

00:52:44.000 It's absolutely clear, pure water.

00:52:47.000 And spirits.

00:52:48.000 And spirits? 0.93

00:52:49.000 The spirits of your farts?

00:52:50.000 It collects the spirits of the past.

00:52:51.000 You can't get the spirits.

00:52:53.000 Like, imagine if they drained the Hudson River.

00:52:56.000 And use that water.

00:52:57.000 How many bodies are in that water?

00:52:59.000 How many people went over the bridge and threw a bag of blowover? 0.97

00:53:02.000 Or a hooker's finger, or a hooker, or condoms in that river? 1.00

00:53:07.000 They're gonna fucking, eventually, they're gonna clean it out with that machine. 1.00

00:53:11.000 They got a bunch of little machines. 0.98

00:53:12.000 It purifies it, the whole thing, man.

00:53:14.000 Don't they already do that with a lot of water?

00:53:16.000 They take sewage treatment, and they treat the water, and then they put it right back into the supply?

00:53:21.000 That's what they do right now.

00:53:22.000 That's, you know, our waters, or that drainage, the LA River or whatever, that all gets clean and put back into the faucets.

00:53:30.000 Do you guys even drink faucet water anymore, though?

00:53:33.000 I was thinking about this the other day.

00:53:34.000 I won't touch my water.

00:53:34.000 Right, but don't you cook with it?

00:53:36.000 That's an issue.

00:53:38.000 We all cook with faucet water.

00:53:40.000 Yeah, but I don't use my kitchen.

00:53:42.000 I just eat out.

00:53:43.000 Right.

00:53:44.000 But yeah, I guess I do cook with it.

00:53:45.000 What if you make tea or coffee?

00:53:47.000 No, I have arrowheads.

00:53:51.000 People like to be bohemian and use that city water.

00:53:54.000 I was watching some news show the other day, I forget what town I'm in, but it was showing, I think it was San Francisco, they were showing all these different blocks where you couldn't drink the water right now.

00:54:04.000 Like, there was this whole area where they're saying, don't drink the water if you live on these streets.

00:54:07.000 Like, what?

00:54:08.000 What are you saying?

00:54:08.000 Like, I have to just be on Twitter or I have to be paying attention to the news to know this?

00:54:13.000 What if I'm a guy that just likes to read newspapers and sit at home for a few days and I'm drinking the water?

00:54:18.000 Are you knocking on my door?

00:54:19.000 Are you telling people?

00:54:20.000 Are you assuming they have Facebook? 1.00

00:54:22.000 You're just gonna make them drink this fucking shit water? 1.00

00:54:25.000 They should have stormtroopers knock on everybody's door. 1.00

00:54:27.000 Don't drink the water!

00:54:29.000 But they don't.

00:54:30.000 I have hard water.

00:54:31.000 What's that?

00:54:32.000 Because, like, if I wash my car, my car will be white when it dries.

00:54:35.000 Minerals.

00:54:35.000 Yes.

00:54:36.000 Is that really bad for you or really good?

00:54:37.000 Seems like it would be good for you.

00:54:39.000 I think some trace minerals are good for you, but I don't know if, like, that quantity of minerals is good for you.

00:54:44.000 Like, hard water.

00:54:46.000 It's really hard water.

00:54:47.000 But they say that that's one of the things that is bad for people when you have distilled water.

00:54:50.000 As you drink distilled water, it doesn't have any minerals in it.

00:54:53.000 Like, you can actually kind of fuck your body up if you only drink distilled water.

00:54:57.000 Like, distilled water is something that wrestlers take a lot of times before they cut weight, because when you drink it, it flushes all your system out, it flushes all the minerals in your... 0.97

00:55:06.000 But a lot of people are saying, like, I don't think Dolce fucks with that stuff.

00:55:09.000 I think a lot of guys are saying, like, that is not good for you. 0.50

00:55:11.000 Like, you need those.

00:55:12.000 Like, those elements of the water, the minerals, it might make it easier to dehydrate yourself that way, but it's not good. 0.98

00:55:21.000 Like, I think all that shit in water is actually probably good for you. 0.97

00:55:25.000 I'm laughing because my old coke dealer used to drink distilled water. 1.00

00:55:28.000 Really? 1.00

00:55:29.000 He's all fucked up now. 0.99

00:55:31.000 Potential health impacts of hard water. 0.96

00:55:34.000 This is a PubMed study.

00:55:34.000 Here it goes.

00:55:37.000 So it says, in the past five decades or so, evidence has been accumulating about an environmental factor which appears to be influencing mortality, in particular, cardiovascular mortality, and this is the hardness of the drink in water. 0.99

00:55:48.000 Oh, shit. 0.55

00:56:07.000 Which is weird because magnesium and calcium are things that people take as supplements. 1.00

00:56:13.000 There's such a fucking balance to being a person. 0.99

00:56:16.000 If you drink a pound of salt, you're dead. 1.00

00:56:19.000 That's fucked. 1.00

00:56:22.000 In addition, the acidity of the water influences the reabsorption of calcium and magnesium in the renal tube. 0.99

00:56:29.000 Tubule.

00:56:29.000 I don't know what that is, but it's not good.

00:56:38.000 Wow, that's crazy, man.

00:56:54.000 That's terrible. 1.00

00:56:55.000 Hard water's fucking terrible for you. 1.00

00:56:57.000 Yeah, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:56:58.000 That's weird, man. 1.00

00:56:59.000 Shit. 1.00

00:57:00.000 Well, the only thing I use it for is really just taking a shower. 1.00

00:57:04.000 So hopefully that doesn't...

00:57:05.000 But is that bad for you?

00:57:06.000 Because I know that, like, you absorb magnesium through your skin.

00:57:10.000 It's one of the benefits, actually, of, like, flotation tanks.

00:57:14.000 They absorb magnesium through your skin.

00:57:17.000 Hmm.

00:57:18.000 Yeah, but maybe they need to do studies on that.

00:57:21.000 Maybe it's not good to absorb too much magnesium through your skin.

00:57:24.000 I know you're taking magnesium, though, is like, especially for men, very beneficial.

00:57:30.000 There's correlations between magnesium and testosterone and zinc, zinc and testosterone as well.

00:57:38.000 This is weird.

00:57:38.000 Oh, so it's a ratio of magnesium and calcium in the water.

00:57:42.000 It's a crucial factor indicating the hardness. 0.99

00:57:44.000 So I guess it's just like when shit gets really wacky. 0.88

00:57:47.000 There's concentrations of dissolved calcium and magnesium in soft and hard water. 0.99

00:57:51.000 You're dealing with like hard numbers, I guess.

00:57:55.000 Yeah.

00:57:57.000 It's weird because, like, minerals are really good for you.

00:57:59.000 It's important.

00:58:00.000 Like, if you don't have minerals, that's where osteoporosis comes from, you lack of calcium, your body starts drawing calcium out of your bones.

00:58:06.000 Like, one of the best ways to prevent it, you take calcium.

00:58:09.000 But they also say that a lot of our farmlands, like the vegetables that we're getting and the plants that we eat, a lot of them are nutrient deficient because a lot of the farmlands, they've been growing shit on them for so long, they kind of sucked all the good stuff out of the ground. 0.91

00:58:26.000 It's dead dirt. 0.92

00:58:27.000 Like the cigars in Cuba, they say.

00:58:29.000 They're not that good no more.

00:58:30.000 Really?

00:58:31.000 That's what some of the old-time Cubans said. 0.99

00:58:33.000 The fucking ground has been, you know, how many fucking leaflets can you get out of there since 1940? 0.99

00:58:39.000 They have to do a really good job of protecting the dirt. 0.99

00:58:42.000 You got to use mulch, you know, you got to use compost, you got to like replenish manure.

00:58:49.000 Yeah, and also compost is big too.

00:58:52.000 Replenishing the nutrients.

00:58:53.000 Like, that's the thing about dirt is it's...

00:58:56.000 You look at soil, you think of it as dirt, but it's alive. 1.00

00:59:00.000 There's all sorts of shit in there. 0.99

00:59:02.000 There's not just minerals, there's organisms and worms and bugs. 1.00

00:59:06.000 You need worms.

00:59:07.000 Worms are great.

00:59:08.000 People add worms to their garden.

00:59:09.000 You want them all living in there.

00:59:10.000 You know, you want all that salt. 1.00

00:59:12.000 You want worm shit. 1.00

00:59:12.000 You want worms to shit. 1.00

00:59:13.000 You want them to eat the dirt and shit. 1.00

00:59:15.000 It makes it all nice, easy to grow in. 1.00

00:59:18.000 Like those mushrooms I ate in Vegas with Ari and those guys. 1.00

00:59:21.000 Those fucking things were good, Jack. 0.99

00:59:23.000 Joey was up till five o'clock in the morning. 1.00

00:59:25.000 You never see Joey up till five in the morning.

00:59:27.000 I didn't sleep.

00:59:27.000 You didn't sleep?

00:59:28.000 I went right to the airport. 0.99

00:59:29.000 Got the fuck out of that seven-something. 0.99

00:59:31.000 Didn't sleep till like two that afternoon. 0.98

00:59:32.000 Good visuals.

00:59:34.000 Those days are over.

00:59:42.000 I just giggled. 0.75

00:59:43.000 I just giggled my ass off.

00:59:45.000 It was tremendous.

00:59:46.000 What is Vegas like on mushrooms?

00:59:48.000 Like, what is the experience of the craziness of Vegas?

00:59:50.000 I didn't really...

00:59:51.000 We went and did the show.

00:59:52.000 Right. 1.00

00:59:52.000 I walk off stage and I had a fucking handful. 1.00

00:59:54.000 I ate them and that was my Vegas. 0.99

00:59:56.000 Yeah, but then we went out and we had some dinner. 0.99

00:59:57.000 Yeah, but we didn't really walk and talk to fucking crazy people. 0.99

01:00:01.000 Right. 1.00

01:00:02.000 You know, I mean, Duncan had that fucking meth guy. 0.99

01:00:05.000 After the show that was telling him about, you know, the coming of fucking Satan and all that stuff. 0.99

01:00:09.000 Duncan was giving him his email address. 0.98

01:00:12.000 Hey, contact me, man!

01:00:15.000 That's the, you know, the mushrooms, when you go out in public, any of those drugs, it becomes something else.

01:00:21.000 It really enhances, you know, there's a couple different mushrooms you could take.

01:00:26.000 I mean, for trips, you know, you could take the mushroom at home and become very, uh, whatever that word is, into yourself from writing.

01:00:34.000 Or you can take mushrooms and leave and go for a fucking complete different odyssey. 0.70

01:00:39.000 That's an odyssey. 0.98

01:00:40.000 When you go out with like four friends, and you're each fucked up, and you have to be tight with those four friends. 0.90

01:00:45.000 So I don't have to look at you. 0.94

01:00:47.000 We don't have to communicate.

01:00:48.000 All I have to do is look at you. 1.00

01:00:49.000 And I can send you the fucking mushroom telepathically. 1.00

01:00:53.000 We know. 0.99

01:00:54.000 We'll lose each other in a bar, and every couple of hours, we'll just look at each other.

01:00:58.000 And next, we'll know.

01:01:00.000 You know what's going on by that look.

01:01:02.000 Like, and your own body will tell you.

01:01:04.000 Like, you'll be drinking, giggling, all of a sudden, something.

01:01:06.000 Where's Joe?

01:01:07.000 And you'll look at that same time, and we'll look at each other and go, And you go back.

01:01:12.000 That's the fun of it.

01:01:13.000 It's that certain connection with your friends.

01:01:15.000 With me, I didn't grow up on mushrooms.

01:01:18.000 I was more of a micro dot acid guy growing up. 0.99

01:01:21.000 All those type of hallucinogenics, which were basically fucking poison. 0.95

01:01:25.000 But I had the same experience as my friends. 0.99

01:01:28.000 We'd go into large venues, concerts.

01:01:30.000 We all didn't sit together, but we'd always find each other.

01:01:34.000 Duncan told me he took that kind of acid that has formaldehyde and a blotter acid on paper.

01:01:40.000 He said he's been taking pure stuff for a while, and he took this stuff, and he was like, it's so disgusting.

01:01:47.000 He was like, it hurt my bones.

01:01:49.000 Strychnine.

01:01:50.000 Strychnine, the rat poison.

01:01:51.000 Yeah, that's been around, you know.

01:01:53.000 Why does it have strychnine?

01:01:55.000 Well, that's all part of the process. 0.99

01:01:56.000 Like, when you smoke crack, there's fucking turpentine in there. 0.99

01:02:00.000 You know? 0.99

01:02:00.000 But acid's supposed to be just LSD. Stick to the paper, supposedly. 0.99

01:02:03.000 We were told it was to stick it to the paper.

01:02:06.000 It really is trichnine?

01:02:07.000 Is that a Snopes thing?

01:02:08.000 It might have been a Snopes thing. 0.92

01:02:10.000 I do know that when I used to have it in my vials and, like, sell it, and I'd just be like, you got a sugar cube, and I'd just drop a little drop on the sugar cube.

01:02:18.000 That never had the back Or the bone problems, you know, with the liquid acid.

01:02:22.000 And the micro dots didn't either, because those were like those little black ones that pretty much just had a bubble of acid.

01:02:28.000 Right, a bubble of acid.

01:02:29.000 The liquid always worked for me.

01:02:31.000 The liquid in the sugar cube or in the eye, right in the eyeball.

01:02:34.000 I never did the eye. 0.98

01:02:35.000 That would fuck me up. 0.97

01:02:37.000 I was very fortunate. 0.95

01:02:39.000 I got to meet these guys when I was growing up.

01:02:42.000 They were hallucinogenic experts.

01:02:44.000 You know, that's what they did. 1.00

01:02:45.000 They made that shit on the weekends. 1.00

01:02:47.000 All week long. 1.00

01:02:48.000 And they pumped it out to college kids, but they pumped out, you know, grocers.

01:02:53.000 They would sell you 144 hits, you know.

01:02:57.000 And that's all they did. 0.99

01:02:58.000 And they made 10,000 fucking hits of everything a week. 0.97

01:03:01.000 And every time you went up there on Saturday, they had something different. 0.98

01:03:05.000 Anti-drug educators frequently tell their students that some variant of the theme of inevitable strychnine poisoning through LSD use.

01:03:05.000 Yes, okay.

01:03:13.000 For example, that strychnine is commonly sold as a cheaper substitute for LSD by unscrupulous drug dealers, that strychnine is a byproduct of LSD synthesis, that the body produces strychnine as a result of LSD metabolism, or that strychnine is used as a preservative Yeah.

01:03:40.000 Yeah.

01:03:41.000 Yeah.

01:03:55.000 Oh, there we go.

01:03:56.000 They used to always also say that the old, which always seemed fake, like, ooh, so much strychnine on that, that it collects in your back, and if you ever get in a car accident and hit that part in your back, you're going to trip forever.

01:04:06.000 Yeah, I've heard that.

01:04:08.000 I've heard that. 1.00

01:04:09.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

01:04:11.000 Yeah, man, LSD stores in your fingernails, and you note how your fingernails constantly grow. 1.00

01:04:16.000 That means you'll constantly be tripping.

01:04:18.000 It's amazing.

01:04:19.000 Yeah.

01:04:20.000 And then my voice.

01:04:21.000 I hate that guy.

01:04:22.000 I met him. 0.99

01:04:23.000 I met that guy last night.

01:04:25.000 It was one of them.

01:04:27.000 Same guy.

01:04:28.000 I'm doing a documentary.

01:04:29.000 I'd love to have you involved to raise consciousness and expand consciousness sort of in an overall sense of consciousness.

01:04:37.000 It's basically like the vibe I'm on right now is I don't even care about money.

01:04:42.000 I'm just all about spreading peace and consciousness.

01:04:47.000 It's so funny, those guys that you meet, that follow you, that are fans of you, but the other day, there was a few of them, and we would play this game where one would come up to us and start talking.

01:04:58.000 You don't want to give up the ghost.

01:04:59.000 No, but Christina Piszczycki was there, and he starts talking to me and Christina.

01:05:05.000 Christina said something to him, and the next thing she knows, she looks over, and I'm gone, you know, because I'm just kind of like, Hot potato, you pass off the crazy person, too.

01:05:13.000 It's one thing I'm not enjoying about being at the Comedy Store is how many people are pitching me ideas.

01:05:17.000 You can't just hang out there.

01:05:19.000 Four guys pitched me ideas last night.

01:05:22.000 Came up to me, hey man, I came here to talk to you about this project I'm doing.

01:05:25.000 One guy was the history of the fart joke.

01:05:28.000 I'm not joking.

01:05:29.000 He's doing a documentary on the history of the fart joke.

01:05:32.000 And I'm like, yeah.

01:05:34.000 I have no time for anything.

01:05:34.000 And this is true.

01:05:36.000 I have no time for other stuff.

01:05:37.000 I have exactly the amount of time for the stuff that I'm doing right now.

01:05:40.000 And anybody that comes up to me, hey, can you do this?

01:05:43.000 Can you do my podcast?

01:05:44.000 I literally don't have the time.

01:05:45.000 It's not available.

01:05:46.000 So I can't do it.

01:05:47.000 And so the guy goes, well, can I go through proper channels?

01:05:51.000 What?

01:05:53.000 I just said no.

01:05:53.000 What does that mean?

01:05:55.000 Like, I don't want to do a history of the fart joke documentary.

01:05:58.000 There's no proper channel.

01:06:00.000 Like, good luck.

01:06:00.000 Maybe it'll be great.

01:06:01.000 I mean, look, who knew that a documentary on corn would be great?

01:06:05.000 You could have an awesome documentary on the history of the fart joke.

01:06:07.000 I just don't have the time.

01:06:09.000 Was he like, whatever, dude.

01:06:11.000 He just blows a fart on you and then walks away?

01:06:14.000 Well, here's a joke. 0.63

01:06:15.000 You pull my finger.

01:06:19.000 It was a good guy.

01:06:20.000 He wasn't a bad guy.

01:06:21.000 He was really cool about it in comparison to how many other different people have come by with ridiculous ideas where they weren't cool about it.

01:06:29.000 I had to tell a guy last night, I'm like, dude, you've got to stop pitching me.

01:06:32.000 I'm not pitching you.

01:06:33.000 I go, yes, you are.

01:06:34.000 I go, I'm trying to have this conversation with Ari.

01:06:35.000 You've sandwiched yourself in between us and you're telling me about this movie you're doing or this thing you're doing.

01:06:40.000 I can't do it.

01:06:41.000 Stop.

01:06:42.000 You can't hang out there.

01:06:43.000 I don't get those.

01:06:44.000 I get none of the business propositions.

01:06:46.000 Oh.

01:06:47.000 You need to move to Denver with Rogan and open up a weed store and when people come, you pick them up at the airport and do a tour of the city and donate half your money to the charity.

01:06:59.000 What?

01:06:59.000 And I told the guy, listen, I live in L.A. You do know that.

01:07:03.000 I live in LA. I can't help you.

01:07:07.000 Well, that means you really don't want to spread. 0.99

01:07:09.000 Listen, I really don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:07:11.000 Who does? 1.00

01:07:12.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:07:13.000 I really don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:07:14.000 I really don't. 1.00

01:07:15.000 You want to smoke dope?

01:07:16.000 Smoke dope.

01:07:17.000 You don't want to smoke dope.

01:07:18.000 I'm not taking you around. 1.00

01:07:21.000 Get the fuck out of here! 1.00

01:07:22.000 I never believed in none of that shit anyway. 1.00

01:07:25.000 I never bought High Times in my life. 0.99

01:07:26.000 I just smoke dope.

01:07:27.000 I don't look at buds.

01:07:29.000 I don't have pictures of buds.

01:07:30.000 You don't see me with no t-shirt with weed on my shirt. 0.99

01:07:33.000 I just smoke motherfucking dope. 0.99

01:07:35.000 Okay? 1.00

01:07:36.000 I don't know nothing else.

01:07:37.000 I don't know nothing.

01:07:38.000 I don't know about consciousness. 0.99

01:07:39.000 I don't know about fucking, you know, the Lord. 0.99

01:07:43.000 I don't know nothing. 1.00

01:07:44.000 Roll it up or shut your fucking mouth. 1.00

01:07:46.000 That's it. 1.00

01:07:46.000 It's that fucking easy. 1.00

01:07:48.000 I don't want to hear about nothing. 1.00

01:07:49.000 Nobody gets that shit. 0.99

01:07:51.000 You go to a town now, you get 19 people wanting to do a podcast. 1.00

01:07:54.000 I don't have the fucking time. 0.98

01:07:55.000 And they want you to jump in that car. 1.00

01:07:57.000 I don't even fucking know you. 1.00

01:07:58.000 I don't even fucking know you. 1.00

01:07:59.000 I'll take you. 0.99

01:08:00.000 It's 20 minutes away. 1.00

01:08:01.000 20 minutes in your fucking world. 1.00

01:08:03.000 That's 40 minutes in my fucking world. 1.00

01:08:05.000 When I go to a town, I don't want to do dick. 1.00

01:08:08.000 Once I get on that plan to go to anywhere the fuck I go, I don't want to do dick. 1.00

01:08:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:12.000 I want to do the radio that they have for me, and that's it. 1.00

01:08:15.000 I've already done my podcast for the week.

01:08:17.000 I've done everything. 0.99

01:08:18.000 I go in and fucking get a computer. 0.99

01:08:20.000 I got that little, what's that new thing? 0.99

01:08:21.000 The substance. 0.99

01:08:22.000 I don't even know what the fuck it is. 0.99

01:08:23.000 Surface. 0.99

01:08:24.000 Surface.

01:08:25.000 Yeah.

01:08:25.000 You got that?

01:08:25.000 Tremendous.

01:08:26.000 You got one of those?

01:08:27.000 Little windows?

01:08:27.000 Yeah.

01:08:28.000 Perfect for me.

01:08:28.000 Yeah.

01:08:30.000 Nobody bothers me. 0.99

01:08:31.000 I go to my room, I watch all this shit that I can't watch at home because there's a baby around and a wife asking you questions about the hemisphere when you're in the middle of writing fucking something, you know? 1.00

01:08:40.000 But you can't say no to the kid because they don't get what the fuck. 1.00

01:08:43.000 They don't get a joke. 0.99

01:08:44.000 They don't get nothing. 1.00

01:08:45.000 You got to stop what the fuck you're doing. 1.00

01:08:47.000 She runs into the computer room and jumps on my lap. 1.00

01:08:50.000 That's the end of the computer. 0.98

01:08:51.000 It's YouTube and I got to watch fucking something about the window or what's raining or something about animals. 0.95

01:08:57.000 And I love it. 0.98

01:08:59.000 But that's just how it goes. 0.99

01:09:00.000 So when I go to a town, it's to fucking sit down and write a few jokes and fucking focus on the act for tonight and tomorrow night. 0.99

01:09:07.000 I don't want to fucking drive 40 minutes that you tell me. 0.99

01:09:10.000 Then they want to stop and introduce you to their uncle, who's a fan of the Longest Yard. 1.00

01:09:13.000 I don't give a fuck, all right? 0.99

01:09:15.000 Let's go. 0.99

01:09:16.000 On the way.

01:09:17.000 I don't want to do nothing.

01:09:18.000 On the way, yeah.

01:09:18.000 Well, I guess you just don't care about spreading the message.

01:09:21.000 The message is suck my dick. 1.00

01:09:23.000 That's the fucking message, huh? 1.00

01:09:24.000 Yeah, what about the cause, man? 1.00

01:09:25.000 Is it all just about sucking your dick? 1.00

01:09:27.000 Yes! 1.00

01:09:28.000 At the end of the fucking week, yes it is. 1.00

01:09:30.000 I don't even want a blowjob. 1.00

01:09:32.000 What? 1.00

01:09:32.000 I don't even want a blowjob. 1.00

01:09:33.000 I just want to smoke dope and be fucking left alone. 1.00

01:09:35.000 I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 0.99

01:09:37.000 They do, they have been coming out to the Comedy Store full force. 0.99

01:09:40.000 Full force?

01:09:41.000 There's swarms of them.

01:09:43.000 Every show I've done in the past three weeks, I've been hit up for something.

01:09:46.000 They don't bother me.

01:09:48.000 They just, you know, I love talking to those people.

01:09:50.000 I don't mind talking to people.

01:09:51.000 That's not the problem. 0.99

01:09:52.000 It's the people that are pitching shit. 0.99

01:09:54.000 Just regular folks who want to come by and say, what's up? 0.99

01:09:57.000 That's cool.

01:09:58.000 That's fun.

01:09:58.000 You have great conversations with some of those people.

01:10:01.000 It's the people that, like, interrupt other conversations, just sandwich themselves in, and, gay, I've got to talk to you about this movie. 0.98

01:10:07.000 We're about to jump off.

01:10:08.000 Seth Rogen's involved.

01:10:09.000 It's very big.

01:10:10.000 It's going to be huge.

01:10:11.000 I've got a lot of Bobcat Goldthwait. 1.00

01:10:13.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:10:13.000 We're in negotiation. 1.00

01:10:15.000 I had a guy show up with a camera.

01:10:15.000 Please.

01:10:16.000 A camera?

01:10:18.000 Like a film camera?

01:10:20.000 Kissed me, took a picture, cool, and then goes, do you mind saying something about my...

01:10:26.000 TV show, my web series.

01:10:29.000 And I'm like, I've never watched it.

01:10:31.000 I don't even know what you thought.

01:10:31.000 It doesn't matter.

01:10:32.000 It just...

01:10:33.000 And all of a sudden, he's like... 0.98

01:10:34.000 And they fucking jumped the thing. 0.99

01:10:36.000 They were in that car on the side going down a hill at the store. 0.99

01:10:40.000 Like, they went up the hotel ramp and turned around.

01:10:42.000 They were waiting for me outside.

01:10:43.000 And they just jumped out with a camera.

01:10:45.000 And the kid was like, hold on one second.

01:10:46.000 Jesus. 0.99

01:10:47.000 And the kid fucking jumped and came when the kid had a camera. 1.00

01:10:51.000 You didn't even say yes. 0.99

01:10:52.000 I didn't even say yes.

01:10:52.000 He just, and I was like, God, I don't know.

01:10:54.000 How can you want me to say something about your web series? 0.99

01:10:58.000 I don't know what the fuck it is. 0.99

01:10:59.000 No. 1.00

01:11:00.000 No.

01:11:00.000 Yeah.

01:11:00.000 All the weed people also, that's another one.

01:11:03.000 People just like, I got this joint company, you know, you take some joints and it's like shitty weed with oil on it. 0.78

01:11:09.000 Well, by the way. 0.85

01:11:10.000 Well, that's another problem. 1.00

01:11:12.000 Yeah, people trying to give you your shit to smoke. 1.00

01:11:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:14.000 I have no idea what kind of monkey business you're doing in that joint. 1.00

01:11:17.000 Does this have cocaine in it?

01:11:17.000 Did you just give me...

01:11:19.000 Like, now I'm gonna get pulled over and I have some heroin-laced joint?

01:11:23.000 Yeah, who knows?

01:11:24.000 Well, the other day, some guy gave me one of those tubes.

01:11:27.000 Yeah, sometimes.

01:11:28.000 And I buy those tubes sometimes when I'm in a rush by my house.

01:11:31.000 They have the tubes with the joint in it and they have a little bit of ash.

01:11:33.000 And they're not bad. 0.97

01:11:34.000 They're like 12 bucks, you smoke them, they're not fucking bad. 0.89

01:11:37.000 So I thought it was the same thing. 0.97

01:11:39.000 Well, I fucking took it and I go, Lee, you want to get high on the way back from the store? 0.99

01:11:42.000 We got fucking blasted. 0.99

01:11:44.000 We had to stop at 7-Eleven and get water and shit. 1.00

01:11:50.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.99

01:11:52.000 And I drive Lee to the car and I go home and I'm like, I'm saving this fucking tube. 0.99

01:11:57.000 And the next day I go to the weed store and I give it to the guy and I go, I want fucking ten of those. 0.98

01:12:02.000 And he looked at me and he goes, I don't have these. 0.93

01:12:04.000 I gave it to the girl.

01:12:05.000 That's my friend.

01:12:06.000 She went in the back.

01:12:08.000 And they go, we can't sell these.

01:12:09.000 These have wax in them.

01:12:11.000 Yeah, that's what it is. 0.96

01:12:12.000 No wonder I was so fucking whacked out. 0.96

01:12:15.000 I thought it was Doe. 0.98

01:12:16.000 He goes, no, you have to look.

01:12:17.000 CVW? Yeah.

01:12:18.000 And the kid went to give you two of them the other night.

01:12:21.000 Yeah.

01:12:21.000 That night I was standing next to you.

01:12:22.000 I told him I couldn't take him.

01:12:23.000 Like, I don't know you, dude.

01:12:25.000 Sorry.

01:12:26.000 You know?

01:12:26.000 Come on, man.

01:12:27.000 Like, listen, I don't know you.

01:12:30.000 You could be a cop.

01:12:31.000 And the girl gave you the muffin. 0.99

01:12:32.000 Yeah, that was really ridiculous. 0.98

01:12:35.000 She gave me a cake, a bunt cake for my daughter. 0.99

01:12:38.000 And I'm like, look, I'm not giving my daughter a cake from someone I don't even know.

01:12:41.000 So I don't want to be rude to you, but thank you very much, but I don't want the cake.

01:12:44.000 I don't eat that stuff, and I'm not going to give it to my kids.

01:12:47.000 She's like, why not?

01:12:49.000 And I was like, I don't know you.

01:12:50.000 Like, I'm not gonna just accept a cake from you to give to my kid.

01:12:55.000 You know, I mean, this is...

01:12:56.000 That's weird.

01:12:57.000 It's weird already.

01:12:57.000 That's weird.

01:12:58.000 You know, if you gave me a cake to give to my kid, well, I know you.

01:13:02.000 We're friends.

01:13:04.000 I don't want them eating that much sugar.

01:13:07.000 I mean, I give them dessert every now and again, but that's not even the point.

01:13:10.000 The point is, like, why would I do that?

01:13:12.000 Why would I give some food to my kid from some strange lady that the first thing she says is, I have a cake for your daughter. 1.00

01:13:19.000 Like, not, hello, not, how's your night going, not, what are you guys up to?

01:13:25.000 Hey, that was a really funny show, Joey.

01:13:28.000 You know, where are you at next?

01:13:30.000 Are you going on the road?

01:13:32.000 No, it's like right away, I've got a cake for your daughter. 1.00

01:13:34.000 I'm like, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:13:35.000 What kind of crazy shit is that? 1.00

01:13:37.000 I don't think people understand how creepy that actually sounds, because they're probably from a small town where it's like, you know, they're bringing apple pie over to strangers, like, I'm your neighbor, you know, and shit like that. 0.99

01:13:47.000 In the middle of talking to someone last night, this guy comes over, interrupts, and the first words are in his mouth, hey man, can you do me a favor?

01:13:53.000 And he's got his camera out, and he wants me to make a video for him.

01:13:56.000 No, no, no, I can't do you a favor.

01:13:58.000 You don't even care that we're talking.

01:14:00.000 Like, it doesn't even bother you.

01:14:01.000 You're not, excuse me, can I ask you a question real quick?

01:14:04.000 Are you guys free right now?

01:14:06.000 Can I ask you something?

01:14:07.000 Like, right away...

01:14:09.000 Can you do me a favor?

01:14:10.000 I'm gonna make a video.

01:14:11.000 I want you to be in it.

01:14:12.000 Like, get out of here! 0.64

01:14:13.000 No!

01:14:14.000 Like, that place needs a green room.

01:14:16.000 It does have one.

01:14:17.000 Yeah, but nobody uses it.

01:14:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:19.000 Yeah.

01:14:19.000 They're...

01:14:20.000 You use it in the main room.

01:14:21.000 But in the main room the other night, a guy came in.

01:14:23.000 A guy weaseled in.

01:14:24.000 He was already in the back.

01:14:26.000 Me and Russell were talking about it the other night. 0.96

01:14:28.000 It's ridiculous.

01:14:28.000 I like talking to people, but there's a line that I wouldn't even cross with somebody.

01:14:33.000 I'd love to go up to somebody.

01:14:34.000 Me and Redman, we're eating breakfast in Atlanta.

01:14:37.000 We saw Tommy Heinsohn from the South.

01:14:39.000 Excuse me, you Mr. Heinsohn?

01:14:40.000 Yeah, it's an honor to meet you.

01:14:42.000 I didn't even bother him. 0.99

01:14:42.000 I don't even want a fucking picture. 0.99

01:14:44.000 Stop with your fucking pictures! 1.00

01:14:46.000 Stop with the fucking pictures! 1.00

01:14:48.000 What the picture gotta fucking do for you? 1.00

01:14:49.000 What are you gonna do with the fucking picture? 1.00

01:14:51.000 I'm going to bother this fucking guy at breakfast. 1.00

01:14:54.000 Mr. Heinz, I was a fan. 1.00

01:14:55.000 He was from Union City.

01:14:57.000 I was from North Bergen.

01:14:58.000 Your second cousin's with the Holloway.

01:14:59.000 Yeah, thank you for your time.

01:15:01.000 And he left.

01:15:01.000 I didn't stop.

01:15:02.000 I'm not going to stop him and get a fucking hug. 1.00

01:15:04.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:15:05.000 I really don't. 0.99

01:15:06.000 I've never given a fuck. 0.98

01:15:07.000 I've seen people a lot, and it's like, all right, whatever. 1.00

01:15:09.000 I'm going to go bother this fucking person. 1.00

01:15:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:11.000 You know, I just, I don't mind talking to people.

01:15:14.000 I love talking to people.

01:15:15.000 That's why I became a comic.

01:15:16.000 I love it.

01:15:17.000 But there's a line that I... You know, when I go out at night, I go out to do stand-up.

01:15:21.000 Nothing else. 0.99

01:15:21.000 I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 0.99

01:15:23.000 What do you think I did on the way to the show? 1.00

01:15:25.000 Do you think...

01:15:25.000 I smoked 15 joints.

01:15:27.000 On the way down Lower Canyon, I already got high. 1.00

01:15:30.000 And I already ate a fucking pot cookie. 1.00

01:15:30.000 You know? 1.00

01:15:32.000 I'm where I need to be.

01:15:33.000 You know, if I wanna smoke, and there's times I smoke with people, but there's other times that I'm already baked, and I gotta get back on Laurel Canyon. 0.99

01:15:40.000 What if I get pulled over and I got your shitty weed on my fucking breath? 0.99

01:15:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:43.000 And I gotta do 90 days, because you wanna hit me with that fucking pink, purple, fucking fake weed you got and shit. 1.00

01:15:48.000 Forget it. 1.00

01:15:49.000 You know?

01:15:50.000 It's just...

01:15:51.000 I enjoy it.

01:15:52.000 I just...

01:15:53.000 I don't want to get pitched.

01:15:54.000 I know where you're coming from.

01:15:55.000 I don't want to...

01:15:56.000 I like talking to people.

01:15:58.000 It's the weird people before you go on stage, too.

01:16:00.000 Well, sometimes people at the comedy store, like, literally, they'll be introducing you.

01:16:00.000 That's the only time.

01:16:04.000 And people say, hey, man, can I get a picture?

01:16:06.000 Like, you don't hear that guy, like, bringing me up on stage right now?

01:16:09.000 Like, you don't...

01:16:10.000 They don't care.

01:16:10.000 They just want to get that thing on their Facebook.

01:16:12.000 And that's a real fucking problem with the access to cameras. 0.97

01:16:16.000 People want to use them even if it doesn't make any sense. 0.98

01:16:18.000 People weren't bringing cameras out in like 2000 when we would go on the road.

01:16:22.000 People weren't bringing that many cameras with them.

01:16:24.000 We didn't take that many pictures of people.

01:16:25.000 Most of the time when you talk to people off the show, you said hi to them.

01:16:28.000 Took a few pictures with folks.

01:16:29.000 But not everybody had a camera. 0.99

01:16:32.000 Now every fucking person you meet every day has a camera. 0.97

01:16:37.000 That's a mind-blowing change between two decades ago. 0.99

01:16:41.000 Yeah, can you imagine, like, 20 years ago, everyone just having camcorders, walking around the street? 0.90

01:16:45.000 Ridiculous.

01:16:46.000 And the worst part is that you don't know when people are recording. 0.97

01:16:50.000 So, like, that people are sitting there texting, but they're just recording you.

01:16:54.000 Oh, yeah.

01:16:55.000 I was out with my girlfriend the other day, and it was one of those guys just sitting there staring.

01:16:59.000 Like, oh, I know this guy.

01:17:00.000 I know this guy.

01:17:01.000 And he's just sitting there with his camera just up.

01:17:03.000 Like, he's looking.

01:17:04.000 And I know he was just sitting there recording or doing something. 0.99

01:17:07.000 Yeah, people are fucking weird. 0.99

01:17:08.000 Weird. 0.99

01:17:09.000 It's a weird time.

01:17:11.000 People have lost their etiquette.

01:17:14.000 And because this is such a new world, there's no etiquette as far as cameras and sticking them in people's faces or asking for photos.

01:17:22.000 How many times do you get asked while you're eating?

01:17:24.000 Mouthful of food.

01:17:25.000 Hey, man, can I get a picture? 1.00

01:17:26.000 Who the fuck would ever come up to you in the middle of eating? 0.97

01:17:30.000 In the middle of, hey, man, can I talk to you about something? 0.99

01:17:33.000 No, this is not the time to talk to people.

01:17:35.000 These are people who are eating food.

01:17:37.000 They're having a meal.

01:17:38.000 Not only that, they're sitting at a table looking at each other.

01:17:42.000 It's one of the most enjoyable things we do as friends.

01:17:45.000 Sit around and have a meal together.

01:17:47.000 That's like that expression, breaking bread.

01:17:49.000 You break bread with people.

01:17:50.000 And what are you saying, I can't do it in public or I'm going to be interrupted every five seconds by somebody who wants to take a photograph?

01:17:56.000 Of course not.

01:17:57.000 Most people realize that and they don't interrupt you while you're eating. 0.99

01:18:00.000 But some people do not give a fuck. 0.99

01:18:02.000 You could be eating with a baby on your lap, mouthful of food, answering the phone, and they'd tap you. 1.00

01:18:07.000 Hey, man, can I get a picture?

01:18:08.000 Can I get a picture?

01:18:09.000 Hey, man, can I get a picture?

01:18:10.000 Hey, excuse me, can I get a picture?

01:18:12.000 I hate to be that guy, but can I get a picture?

01:18:14.000 You hate to be that guy, but you're being that guy.

01:18:17.000 I bought a new car, and I didn't know the, not this Subaru, the one before it.

01:18:21.000 I didn't know the particulars of it, Joe.

01:18:24.000 I bought it off the lot.

01:18:25.000 I was in a rush.

01:18:27.000 I left the indoor light on. 0.99

01:18:29.000 My car was dead on Cahuenga in fucking Hollywood at rush hour. 0.96

01:18:34.000 Do you know that the guy that came over to say, do you need help, in the process, goes, hey, man, can I pitch you the... 0.97

01:18:41.000 I swear to my mother's grave, that was the worst thing ever.

01:18:48.000 When I'm on Cowenga, the car won't start. 1.00

01:18:50.000 I have fucking groceries. 0.99

01:18:52.000 The key, the fucking phone was in the car or something, and my car won't start. 1.00

01:18:58.000 I got to put them down, pop the trunk, and wait for somebody with a fucking... 0.99

01:18:58.000 I got these groceries. 0.99

01:19:02.000 This motherfucker pulls over. 1.00

01:19:04.000 I go, you got jumper cables? 1.00

01:19:06.000 He goes, no, I don't, but I got to ask you something.

01:19:08.000 Can I drop off a script to your agent? 0.99

01:19:10.000 And I looked at him like, no, you're fucking not. 0.98

01:19:14.000 It was like a Jersey boy thing where he wanted me to dance. 0.99

01:19:17.000 I couldn't fucking... 0.98

01:19:18.000 And he had met me one time. 0.99

01:19:19.000 He's just happy to see me on the street and pulled over in the middle of my fucking... 0.99

01:19:24.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

01:19:25.000 And came up to me and he goes, hey man, do you think...

01:19:27.000 You couldn't go anywhere.

01:19:28.000 You were trapped. 1.00

01:19:29.000 And I looked at him and I go, you got to get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:19:32.000 Like, you're not fucking serious right now. 0.99

01:19:34.000 You have to go to the proper fucking channels. 0.99

01:19:37.000 I take pictures with everybody. 1.00

01:19:40.000 Everybody.

01:19:41.000 I do theaters.

01:19:42.000 And after this show, I don't charge anybody.

01:19:45.000 I stay for hours.

01:19:47.000 I'll take hundreds of pictures.

01:19:49.000 There's lines.

01:19:50.000 We have videos of it, of all these theaters where there's lines around spiral staircases.

01:19:54.000 And I'll wait till everybody's done before I go get something to eat.

01:19:57.000 I do it all the time.

01:19:59.000 It's not like I don't want to meet people.

01:20:00.000 I want to meet everybody and be friendly.

01:20:02.000 But there's a certain line that people cross that just shows they're socially goofy. 0.96

01:20:06.000 They're just klutzy and clumsy.

01:20:08.000 And those are the exact type of people that are always trying to pitch you something. 0.99

01:20:11.000 Who the fuck have you ever pitched anything to? 0.99

01:20:14.000 Who the fuck have you ever pitched anything to? 0.99

01:20:17.000 I've never pitched anybody an idea. 0.99

01:20:19.000 I've never come up to someone and said, hey man, if there's this project, if we had a name attached to it like you, I really think you could jump off.

01:20:25.000 I don't even know you.

01:20:26.000 You're supposed to have an agent.

01:20:27.000 There's a whole system of things that are in place for a reason.

01:20:30.000 You have a script.

01:20:31.000 The script is good.

01:20:32.000 The script gets read by reviewers.

01:20:33.000 The reviewers take it.

01:20:34.000 The agency represents it.

01:20:35.000 They bring it out.

01:20:36.000 They contact other people.

01:20:37.000 They say, hey, we've got this script.

01:20:39.000 We think that this could be a really good script.

01:20:41.000 Do you have any actors that would be interested in doing this?

01:20:43.000 And then they contact the agents and the actors.

01:20:44.000 You have meetings. 1.00

01:20:45.000 That's how shit gets done. 0.99

01:20:46.000 You don't just show up When Joey Diaz's car is broken down, it's like, hey, I'm trying to break into the business. 0.99

01:20:51.000 Like, well, you're doing it wrong.

01:20:53.000 It's like coming up to me and saying, hey, man, can I open for you?

01:20:55.000 Absolutely not.

01:20:56.000 I don't know you.

01:20:57.000 You want to come with me on the road?

01:20:58.000 What a great idea. 1.00

01:20:59.000 A guy I don't know, flying around with me, being fucking weird, and who knows how bad you suck. 1.00

01:21:05.000 You know, you could be terrible. 0.99

01:21:06.000 I've had people that told me they've never gone on stage before, but they know that they would be fucking awesome, and if they could just go up during my show, it would be the right kind of show to go up for, because we have the same sensibilities. 0.93

01:21:18.000 Oh, what a great idea.

01:21:19.000 You should do no open mic nights. 0.99

01:21:21.000 You should just go directly to a bunch of people that paid to see me and I'll just let you on stage and you do whatever the fuck you want to do and I don't even know you. 0.97

01:21:28.000 Like, who asks that? 0.85

01:21:29.000 Who says, hey, man, I'm the best basically baseball player of all time, and just, like, Dodgers should just let me play one day and just get out there and show what I can do?

01:21:37.000 Do you want to audition?

01:21:38.000 No, man.

01:21:38.000 Just let me hit the ball, bro.

01:21:40.000 I'll fucking hit a home run, I guarantee. 1.00

01:21:42.000 There's people out there that are that goofy. 1.00

01:21:44.000 There's a lot of them, man. 0.95

01:21:45.000 And this town is like a magnet for them.

01:21:48.000 Because some of them get on TV. Some of them get on a reality show and they're so retarded that they're compelling and that you listen to them. 0.92

01:21:56.000 I mean, how many fucking... 0.99

01:21:57.000 Look at Windy City Heat. 1.00

01:21:59.000 How about that fucking movie? 1.00

01:22:00.000 That's exactly what we're talking about. 1.00

01:22:02.000 Windy City Heat is a diary of a madman. 1.00

01:22:05.000 I mean, it's a fucking biography. 0.99

01:22:07.000 Don Barris, Jimmy Kimmel put together, took this guy who was out of his fucking mind, and they had this guy convinced that he was a movie star, and that he was something special, and he was a celebrity, and they hosed him the entire way. 0.98

01:22:20.000 I mean, the guy wasn't in on it at all. 0.99

01:22:23.000 And that fucking guy's still around, man. 0.99

01:22:24.000 And he still thinks he gets people coming to his shows. 1.00

01:22:28.000 He's a real headliner. 1.00

01:22:30.000 I mean, you have to hear the shit that comes out of his mouth. 1.00

01:22:32.000 He's hilarious. 1.00

01:22:33.000 It's kind of fucked up, man. 0.98

01:22:35.000 Because they've essentially taken advantage. 1.00

01:22:37.000 There's Bobcat Goldthwait, that sick fuck. 1.00

01:22:39.000 Look at that look on his face. 1.00

01:22:40.000 He loves it.

01:22:41.000 And Don Barris is the master of dealing with retards. 1.00

01:22:44.000 Don Barris has a PhD in nuts.

01:22:46.000 He knows how to deal with it.

01:22:48.000 Who's the guy with the wig? 0.98

01:22:50.000 That's the guy that fucks with Scary Perry all the time. 1.00

01:22:55.000 Ridiculous. 1.00

01:22:56.000 That's one of the big three. 0.98

01:22:57.000 But like those type of people are the people that you get at the Comedy Store.

01:23:01.000 I don't mind the picture taken.

01:23:03.000 At all.

01:23:03.000 That's under my skin.

01:23:03.000 I'll tell you what.

01:23:05.000 So you've taken 300 pictures.

01:23:08.000 I've given out hugs.

01:23:10.000 I've smoked pot.

01:23:11.000 I've taken hits off six pipes.

01:23:15.000 I go inside.

01:23:17.000 I hug the staff.

01:23:19.000 I get paid as I'm walking out the door. 1.00

01:23:23.000 There's four fucking people in an alley. 0.99

01:23:25.000 Can we take a picture? 1.00

01:23:26.000 Where the fuck were you? 1.00

01:23:29.000 Where the fuck were you before? 1.00

01:23:31.000 Like once I'm done, I'm done. 1.00

01:23:34.000 I'm done.

01:23:35.000 That's it.

01:23:36.000 Once it's over, it's over for me.

01:23:37.000 You guys know it.

01:23:39.000 Once it's over, you got a minute to make up your mind because I'm going.

01:23:43.000 It's over.

01:23:43.000 There's no more nothing.

01:23:45.000 And those are the only ones that I go, I don't get this. 0.99

01:23:48.000 That we've been here for two hours and you've been standing there like a fucking bump on a wall. 0.99

01:23:52.000 They get nervous. 0.99

01:23:53.000 They want to be with you at the end. 0.96

01:23:54.000 And now at the end, as I'm about to go in, I gotta stop what the fuck I'm doing momentum-wise. 0.99

01:24:00.000 And fucking... 0.99

01:24:01.000 Like, my head wasn't in there no more. 0.99

01:24:02.000 That's it. 0.99

01:24:03.000 I'm done with the fucking pictures. 0.99

01:24:05.000 I'm done talking. 1.00

01:24:05.000 I just did two shows. 1.00

01:24:07.000 We just talked to 500 people for fucking... 0.99

01:24:10.000 I've been here since 7 fucking 30. That's the only part of the fucking thing that doesn't... 0.99

01:24:16.000 On Sunday nights, one of the purposes that I stay in on Sunday nights is to answer emails. 0.98

01:24:22.000 I answer anywhere from 80 to 125 emails every Sunday.

01:24:26.000 I do it because I don't have what everybody else has.

01:24:29.000 That's my little edge.

01:24:31.000 People come to the show and they go, I hate your material, but you answered my email.

01:24:36.000 I hate your material, but you answered my email.

01:24:38.000 I don't think you're funny, but you answered my email.

01:24:40.000 People say that to you?

01:24:41.000 And I emailed six out of comics.

01:24:42.000 They didn't answer me. 0.99

01:24:43.000 Well, people are shitty like that. 0.99

01:24:44.000 That's rude. 1.00

01:24:45.000 Yeah.

01:24:46.000 They'll come to your show.

01:24:48.000 They'll buy you a shirt just because you answered an email.

01:24:51.000 You know, that's how far I go. 0.99

01:24:53.000 I go the whole fucking way with these people. 0.98

01:24:55.000 But when I say that's it, that's it. 0.99

01:24:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:24:58.000 Like, I get hit, obviously, for ten fucking podcasts a week. 0.99

01:25:02.000 I don't even know who these people are. 0.99

01:25:04.000 I don't even know who they are.

01:25:05.000 I have no idea.

01:25:06.000 They're calling me.

01:25:07.000 And they get angry, Joe.

01:25:09.000 That's what burns me up.

01:25:11.000 That they don't understand what we go through here.

01:25:13.000 That, you know, if I get in a car, it's 45 minutes to go somewhere.

01:25:16.000 That's time.

01:25:17.000 Yeah.

01:25:18.000 That's an hour and a half.

01:25:20.000 Then I have a baby.

01:25:21.000 I got a podcast.

01:25:21.000 I got no babysitter.

01:25:22.000 I try to work out.

01:25:24.000 You know, not to mention whoever wants to talk to me legitimately about something.

01:25:28.000 Then I got a wife.

01:25:29.000 And then we got to do stand-up.

01:25:30.000 Oh! 0.60

01:25:30.000 Then there's a thing that you have to do called writing. 0.60

01:25:33.000 When the fuck do you want me to... 0.83

01:25:35.000 You know, these people that call you up and go, can you do my podcast? 0.99

01:25:38.000 Yeah, we do 5 o'clock by the airport.

01:25:40.000 Listen, you're with no dating.

01:25:42.000 You're in no danger.

01:25:43.000 That's not happening at all.

01:25:44.000 Five o'clock by the airport. 0.99

01:25:46.000 Four o'clock in the afternoon, you're not getting me out for a fucking podcast. 0.99

01:25:50.000 It's either early or late at night. 0.99

01:25:52.000 Take your pick.

01:25:53.000 I can't do it.

01:25:54.000 Four o'clock, I can't do it, guy.

01:25:56.000 The Culver City, that's an hour each way. 0.99

01:25:58.000 You just kill me. 1.00

01:25:59.000 If you're lucky. 1.00

01:26:00.000 That's three hours for your fucking podcast out of my time. 0.98

01:26:02.000 If you do Culver City, you literally have to do 11 in the morning so that you're out by 2 at the latest and then you get on the road. 0.99

01:26:08.000 Because even 2, you're pushing.

01:26:09.000 You're 2. It used to be 3 in this town.

01:26:11.000 Now it's 2. 2.15, you're fucking kaputs. 1.00

01:26:14.000 I drove at 5 once from Venice, and I said, let's see what it's like. 0.99

01:26:19.000 Let's just see what it's like to be on the 405 at 5 o'clock.

01:26:21.000 It was insane.

01:26:22.000 It's insane.

01:26:23.000 It really is insane.

01:26:24.000 And I feel so bad for those people that have to do that every day.

01:26:27.000 My Mexican does that every single day.

01:26:29.000 You're Mexican. 0.77

01:26:30.000 Your girlfriend, you mean?

01:26:31.000 Jesus Christ, dude. 0.96

01:26:32.000 Don't call you a Mexican.

01:26:34.000 Adam Huck is my boy, but he tapes that podcast by the airport.

01:26:37.000 Oh, it's crazy.

01:26:38.000 Oh, that's where the Fox studio is?

01:26:40.000 Yeah.

01:26:40.000 They do it in the same place where Brendan and Cal does his.

01:26:42.000 I think so.

01:26:43.000 I'm not going to Fox at 5 o'clock, bro. 1.00

01:26:45.000 Yeah, you can suck it. 1.00

01:26:46.000 You can suck my dick. 1.00

01:26:46.000 I'm not going to Fox studios at 5 o'clock. 1.00

01:26:49.000 That's what we did fighting the kid over here.

01:26:51.000 I was like, you know, I'll do your podcast, but we'll do it over here.

01:26:54.000 Like, come on, guys. 0.97

01:26:55.000 That's retarded. 1.00

01:26:56.000 That's too far away. 0.95

01:26:56.000 It takes over an hour and 45 minutes every single day, and it's only 23 miles. 0.95

01:27:02.000 Oh my god.

01:27:03.000 From where to where?

01:27:04.000 From Venice to Burbank.

01:27:06.000 Does she do it back and forth it takes that much? 1.00

01:27:08.000 No, that's just one way home.

01:27:10.000 One way is an hour and 45 minutes?

01:27:12.000 Oh, good lord.

01:27:12.000 Home.

01:27:13.000 She gets off at 5 and she gets home about 6.30, 7. Oh my god.

01:27:19.000 That is fucking insane. 0.98

01:27:22.000 On the way there, it's only an hour. 0.99

01:27:24.000 So three hours on a bad day, she's in the car.

01:27:28.000 Yeah, she's pretty much going to Vegas every day. 0.98

01:27:29.000 That's insane.

01:27:31.000 You'd be messed up, pedal to the metal.

01:27:34.000 I made it back from Vegas once in three hours.

01:27:37.000 But I shouldn't have.

01:27:40.000 I used to make it from San Diego in an hour 35. Yeah, that's nice when that happens.

01:27:45.000 Not a lot of people could make my records 120. That's when the drug dealer was closing at 1. When that drug dealer was closing at 1, Doug, I used to get off the stage at the Comedy Store in La Jolla.

01:27:56.000 I would headline. 0.99

01:27:57.000 I didn't give a fuck. 0.98

01:27:58.000 How much time do you want me to do? 0.99

01:28:00.000 Oh, we want you to do 45 to an hour.

01:28:02.000 Listen, whatever 1140 is, that's what I'm doing.

01:28:06.000 So all these guest sets and all these people you're putting up, at 1140, I get off the stage and I walk right to the car.

01:28:13.000 The car's already filled up with gas.

01:28:15.000 There's no need to stop.

01:28:17.000 It's pointed to the fire from La Jolla.

01:28:19.000 So what were they trying to do?

01:28:20.000 Sandwich a bunch of people on in before you?

01:28:21.000 Yeah, like they would just tell me, oh, you have to stay till 12. No, I'm not.

01:28:24.000 An hour 20. My drug dealer closes at 1. I gotta hit Los Feliz by fucking 5 to 1. This situation ain't gonna work.

01:28:33.000 I would do 70, 75 from the La Jolla Comedy Store to Immigration. 0.99

01:28:41.000 There's a certain thing that some clubs would like to do where they want to put on their good local guys in front of a guy like you.

01:28:48.000 Because they know a guy like you is going to have a good audience.

01:28:50.000 So a bunch of local guys are like, Joey Diaz, do you want a show?

01:28:54.000 Can I get on that show?

01:28:55.000 Can I get on that show? 1.00

01:28:56.000 You know who used to do that shit all the time? 0.99

01:28:58.000 It's Tom Sawyer in San Francisco. 0.99

01:29:00.000 Remember we used to let Tom book the gig?

01:29:02.000 And then somewhere along, they're like, yo, dude, done.

01:29:05.000 There's no more of this.

01:29:06.000 No more.

01:29:06.000 Because he was like, you know, I really want to be able to put this show together.

01:29:09.000 I'm like, why would you want to put the show together when it doesn't cost you anymore if I bring my friends and I know they're hilarious?

01:29:14.000 Like, listen, just trust me.

01:29:16.000 I've got some great local talent.

01:29:17.000 And he's put on this just nightmare of an opening show. 1.00

01:29:21.000 And be like, oh, fucking Christ. 0.99

01:29:23.000 Two, three guys in a row that you're like, what am I listening to? 1.00

01:29:26.000 Oh, God. 0.98

01:29:28.000 And then you'd bring, you know, I'd bring you, or I'd bring Duncan, or I'd bring Ari, and we'd have a fucking amazing show. 0.97

01:29:35.000 But they went, well, Joey Diaz upsets people. 0.92

01:29:38.000 Like, I don't know if that's the kind of act we want in our club. 0.94

01:29:43.000 Nobody hated anyone that fucking much. 0.74

01:29:46.000 Nobody. 0.98

01:29:46.000 He was the worst? 0.98

01:29:47.000 Oh, and I used to go there just to irritate him. 1.00

01:29:50.000 I knew he was gay. 1.00

01:29:51.000 I knew he was dying to suck your dick. 1.00

01:29:54.000 If there was a guy that was dying to suck your dick, it was that guy. 1.00

01:29:59.000 He had a girlfriend. 1.00

01:30:00.000 He's not gay. 1.00

01:30:01.000 He was a flamer from the fucking jump. 1.00

01:30:04.000 The day he showed up with the two-seater to pick you up to do radio, that Ari came up and Ari goes, Joey Diaz, you might be right. 0.99

01:30:11.000 That guy's...

01:30:12.000 He's got a small car.

01:30:14.000 No, he went out and rented a two-seater so he could have you.

01:30:14.000 It doesn't mean he's gay.

01:30:17.000 He was trying to get you.

01:30:18.000 He was in the Cosby U. He likes comedy.

01:30:20.000 No, he didn't like comedy.

01:30:21.000 That's why the guy ran the club well.

01:30:22.000 Where is he today?

01:30:23.000 I don't know.

01:30:23.000 I don't like comedy.

01:30:24.000 He got out.

01:30:25.000 When somebody likes comedy, they stick with it. 0.99

01:30:26.000 That dude was a dick to a lot of people. 0.97

01:30:29.000 And when that guy got fired, a lot of people were happy, bro. 1.00

01:30:33.000 He fucked over a lot of people. 0.98

01:30:35.000 I don't know about all that. 0.99

01:30:36.000 I like that guy.

01:30:37.000 Still like him.

01:30:38.000 He told like two or three people how he hated when you brought me out. 1.00

01:30:44.000 He fucking hated because he knew he couldn't suck your dick. 1.00

01:30:48.000 He knew he was dying to suck your Johnson. 1.00

01:30:51.000 That guy was a pole smoker from the word go. 1.00

01:30:56.000 It's amazing how many guys on the road.

01:30:59.000 Look at all the guys when we were touring that said things. 0.98

01:31:04.000 At the end, they never fucking mattered. 0.97

01:31:07.000 When I see a comedy club owner now and he comes and talks to me, I look right fucking through. 0.99

01:31:12.000 And I don't give a fuck if they're listening to the show. 1.00

01:31:14.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:31:15.000 You're a fucking pimp in heat, is what you are. 1.00

01:31:18.000 I just look at you because... 1.00

01:31:19.000 A freak without warning? 1.00

01:31:20.000 With an appetite for cunts. 1.00

01:31:22.000 Makes him a fucking puke. 1.00

01:31:24.000 You know, from Mark Babbitt. 1.00

01:31:26.000 I have to go in and listen to... 1.00

01:31:27.000 Shut the fuck up, Mark Babbitt. 1.00

01:31:29.000 That's your cocaine buddy. 1.00

01:31:30.000 All those douchebags. 0.99

01:31:32.000 All those douchebags were the same. 0.94

01:31:34.000 That made believe there was something so important. 0.90

01:31:37.000 And at the end of the week, we outlasted them. 1.00

01:31:40.000 We outlasted those fucking pukes. 0.99

01:31:41.000 But those people were important, too, because, look, when Mark Babbitt was around... 1.00

01:31:45.000 I hate to be defending Mark Babbitt.

01:31:47.000 Mark Babbitt was a great guy.

01:31:48.000 He was a great guy.

01:31:49.000 But the importance that Houston...

01:31:50.000 Look at Houston County went kaput after that.

01:31:52.000 It did go kaput, but that's what I'm saying. 1.00

01:31:54.000 He broke those motherfuckers. 1.00

01:31:55.000 No, but he kept it alive. 1.00

01:31:57.000 He was like the Jim Jones of comedy down there.

01:32:00.000 He was giving out blow and, you know, recruiting young kids. 0.99

01:32:04.000 Somebody busted him putting that out for young kids and shit. 0.97

01:32:07.000 You know, it was such a... 0.98

01:32:08.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

01:32:09.000 Young kids. 0.99

01:32:10.000 You know, like fucking how creepy was the guy from Tempe. 0.99

01:32:13.000 As much as I liked him. 1.00

01:32:14.000 Oh, poor bastard. 1.00

01:32:15.000 You know, when he, I would listen to the man, like his whole vocabulary was, he couldn't wait to say spade. 1.00

01:32:21.000 He loved saying the word, the spades?

01:32:24.000 No, like David Spade.

01:32:25.000 Oh, spade, David Spade.

01:32:26.000 You know, David Spade.

01:32:28.000 Was from Phoenix, remember?

01:32:29.000 A card conversation?

01:32:30.000 He couldn't wait to...

01:32:31.000 You're not going to believe who's here for the Super Bowl.

01:32:34.000 Spain and Fallon. 1.00

01:32:35.000 They're not coming to your stupid fucking club in Arizona, okay? 1.00

01:32:38.000 They're not coming to your dumb fucking comedy club in Tempe that year. 1.00

01:32:43.000 Like that. 1.00

01:32:44.000 You know, get them on Letterman.

01:32:44.000 All those comedy...

01:32:46.000 You're friends with the guy that said that all women weren't funny.

01:32:50.000 Once he got fired, your Letterman juice got lost.

01:32:52.000 That's the only reason why he would go to New York and go to Letterman.

01:32:55.000 It's amazing the self-importance they had on themselves.

01:32:58.000 And at the end of the day, they were worth nothing. 1.00

01:33:00.000 And what they don't know about comics is that 90% of comics are fucking whores. 1.00

01:33:05.000 They have zero loyalty. 1.00

01:33:06.000 So once those motherfuckers are gone, they're gone. 1.00

01:33:09.000 Like, they try to call people and say, hey, how you doing? 1.00

01:33:11.000 And comics just hang up on them.

01:33:13.000 We have nothing to get from you no more.

01:33:15.000 We have nothing in common with you.

01:33:17.000 I've spoken to 20 club owners that are gone, that have said that.

01:33:20.000 Jesus, I tried to call Titus.

01:33:22.000 He never returned my call.

01:33:23.000 You got nothing for him!

01:33:25.000 Well, I'm putting together this one night.

01:33:27.000 Yeah, from Pete to him to Mark Babbitt to the guy in Phoenix calling me.

01:33:34.000 I've reached out to 20 comics.

01:33:35.000 Not one of them will help me.

01:33:36.000 You don't have a club no more, guy. 0.99

01:33:38.000 I'm the only moron that calls you back because I feel bad for you. 0.99

01:33:41.000 Because you were very good to me. 1.00

01:33:43.000 You know, Sarah and I was the biggest cunt ever. 1.00

01:33:46.000 Who's that? 1.00

01:33:47.000 A Chinese chick that worked for the improvs. 0.99

01:33:50.000 Guys, you don't know what the word cunt was when you talk to Sarah Knotts. 0.96

01:33:54.000 She was an Asian chick that booked Cleveland and Buffalo in the 90s. 1.00

01:33:58.000 And she would abuse you. 0.99

01:34:01.000 She would abuse you. 1.00

01:34:02.000 Like, if I ever see her now, you better call it domestic violence, because I will smack her in the mouth. 1.00

01:34:08.000 Whoa, that's threatening. 0.99

01:34:09.000 You don't have a lot of threatening people on the internet.

01:34:11.000 This is terrorism. 1.00

01:34:11.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:34:12.000 This is against the patriots. 1.00

01:34:14.000 She would book Miami, Buffalo, and Cleveland. 0.99

01:34:16.000 What she used to do to comics was fucking rude, bro. 0.96

01:34:19.000 The statements you hear are the opinions of Joey Diaz and Joey Diaz alone. 0.99

01:34:21.000 That's my opinion in my fucking heart, my nutsack. 0.97

01:34:25.000 You know, these people actually picked up this thing like they were important, and they were no more important than talent. 0.99

01:34:30.000 Well, I got to tell you, though, the co-argument, the counter-argument to that is that Mark Babbitt, I think, as crazy as he was, was responsible for creating a scene, like a creative scene.

01:34:41.000 No, I agree with you. 0.95

01:34:43.000 They had a goddamn open mic night at that Laugh Stop that was packed. 0.99

01:34:46.000 Remember? 0.99

01:34:47.000 It would start at, like, 8 o'clock.

01:34:48.000 It would go till 2 o'clock in the morning.

01:34:50.000 And next door, they would be doing another show.

01:34:52.000 So they'd have a show in the main room, which was a perfectly shaped, perfectly sized room.

01:34:56.000 That Laugh Stop in River Oaks is one of the greatest clubs of all time.

01:34:59.000 All time.

01:35:00.000 And that fucking maniac ran it. 1.00

01:35:01.000 And yeah, apparently there was some inconsistencies with the books, and there was all sorts of issues according to the owners. 1.00

01:35:09.000 Yeah, there was a lot of shit going on. 0.99

01:35:09.000 With the blow. 0.99

01:35:10.000 The boys were missing on the back of milk cartons and shit. 1.00

01:35:12.000 What the hell? 1.00

01:35:13.000 That he had in the basement.

01:35:14.000 That I have no knowledge of.

01:35:15.000 But it was a fun club to work.

01:35:17.000 Here's the thing that pisses me off.

01:35:19.000 I had...

01:35:19.000 He broke my ball.

01:35:21.000 Mark Babbitt was one of the...

01:35:22.000 Let me just tell you the Mark Babbitt story.

01:35:23.000 Mark Babbitt went to Freddy Soto and said, I'm looking for feature acts.

01:35:27.000 So Freddy came up to me at the comedy store, and then he goes, Mark Babbitt's looking for a feature.

01:35:32.000 I send him a tape.

01:35:33.000 I refuse to send the tape. 0.99

01:35:35.000 Especially if I'm at the motherfucking comedy store. 0.99

01:35:37.000 Okay? 1.00

01:35:38.000 I'm not sending you no fucking tape. 0.99

01:35:40.000 I'm at Missy Shaw's comedy store. 0.99

01:35:40.000 Why is that? 0.99

01:35:42.000 You want a tape?

01:35:43.000 You take a ride up here.

01:35:44.000 You want?

01:35:45.000 I'll send you a copy of the 1045 spot I get.

01:35:47.000 I ain't sending you no tape.

01:35:49.000 I just refuse.

01:35:50.000 I never send normally a tape.

01:35:51.000 I refuse.

01:35:51.000 Especially people from L.A. that would call me.

01:35:53.000 We're putting together a TV show.

01:35:55.000 We need a tape.

01:35:56.000 1115 at the Comedy Store.

01:35:58.000 Really? 0.98

01:35:59.000 Yeah, I don't fucking send tapes. 0.98

01:36:00.000 Mark Babbitt, I sent him a blank tape. 0.98

01:36:04.000 Hilarious.

01:36:04.000 Okay?

01:36:05.000 I sent that jerk off, finally, because the manager I had, Ken Phillips, kept calling me saying, that guy from Houston keeps calling you. 0.99

01:36:11.000 He wants you to send him a blank tape. 1.00

01:36:13.000 I fucking didn't send him a tape for a year. 0.99

01:36:15.000 Finally, one day, I went to fucking Ralph's, bought a tape, put an envelope and sent. 0.99

01:36:18.000 Put Joey Diaz saying there was none on the tape. 1.00

01:36:20.000 You know that motherfucker called me a week later? 0.98

01:36:22.000 And say he loved my tape and he hired me as a feature actor to open for Bobby Slayton. 1.00

01:36:26.000 So fuck all you motherfuckers. 1.00

01:36:28.000 That whole tape thing is a power move. 1.00

01:36:30.000 When you go to a comedy club and you go to his office to get paid, he's got a TV and he's got a thousand tapes on him with dust on him. 1.00

01:36:36.000 He don't watch those fucking tapes. 1.00

01:36:37.000 That's his fucking power move, okay? 1.00

01:36:39.000 Send me a tape. 1.00

01:36:40.000 I sent him the fucking tape. 0.99

01:36:42.000 So the first time he booked me, he asked, I called him, he goes, I don't have a feature spot for you, but I have an MC spot, I'm gonna pay you 300 bucks. 1.00

01:36:50.000 Bitch, the plane ticket's 280. At that time it was 220 or something. 0.89

01:36:54.000 So I took the week, but I was always looking for a better week.

01:36:58.000 And I got a guy in Toronto to pay me like 800 for a feature week. 0.94

01:37:03.000 Bollywood, whatever the fuck it was called up there.

01:37:05.000 So I did two weeks. 0.99

01:37:06.000 So I called Babbitt like a man.

01:37:07.000 I told him the truth.

01:37:08.000 I go, Babbitt, I got a week up in Toronto.

01:37:11.000 I got two weeks for 800. Fuck you and your $300 Super Bowl week with David Teller. 1.00

01:37:15.000 Whatever the fuck you're trying to pimp me off with, you know? 1.00

01:37:17.000 Right. 1.00

01:37:18.000 And he goes, okay.

01:37:19.000 And about a month later, I heard he's never going to hire you again. 0.99

01:37:22.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:37:22.000 You can't. 1.00

01:37:23.000 He told me, oh, he told people I wasn't going to work again and all this shit. 0.99

01:37:26.000 And I fucking called him up, bro. 0.99

01:37:28.000 I fucking called him up. 0.99

01:37:30.000 And I said, so that's what you're doing? 1.00

01:37:31.000 You mean to tell me that you're not going to fuck? 1.00

01:37:32.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:37:33.000 He called me back a week later and gave me two gigs opening up for Paul Rodriguez in Bakersfield. 1.00

01:37:38.000 And then it says that we were cool.

01:37:39.000 But I sent him a blank tape.

01:37:41.000 That's so funny.

01:37:42.000 I can't believe you sent him a blank tape.

01:37:44.000 Yeah, and then he called me.

01:37:44.000 I loved it.

01:37:46.000 It was amazing. 1.00

01:37:47.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:37:48.000 Joey Diaz and I did a free show there once, and he lost his fucking mind. 1.00

01:37:52.000 That we decided... 0.99

01:37:53.000 I came down, it was when my first CD, I recorded a CD in Houston.

01:37:58.000 Look who called me, Pete from Houston.

01:37:59.000 That's hilarious. 0.97

01:38:00.000 How fucking cool is that? 0.97

01:38:01.000 He must be listening. 0.98

01:38:02.000 I don't know.

01:38:03.000 Maybe somebody called him.

01:38:04.000 I bet that's because Pete was the owner's son, and they found out some discrepancies.

01:38:04.000 Yeah, I bet.

01:38:11.000 Babbitt came in the middle of the night and left with everything.

01:38:14.000 See, Babbitt was...

01:38:15.000 Uh, doing the Carlos Mencia concerts with the Laugh Stop's money, and then he would put the check back in on Monday morning, so nobody knew. 0.99

01:38:23.000 This is an old fucking trick, bro. 0.92

01:38:25.000 When I was a kid, I knew a guy that worked at a bank that would give you cash, 30 grand on a Friday. 0.99

01:38:30.000 You better have that cash back by Monday at 9 a.m., or some people are gonna come knock you the fuck out. 0.96

01:38:35.000 But he did it at a bank, bro. 0.61

01:38:36.000 So he'd take the money out, and then you'd give him, like, $35,000?

01:38:39.000 $40,000.

01:38:40.000 In the kilo days, he'd give you $30,000 for a kilo, but you'd better be back here Monday with my $45,000.

01:38:45.000 So he'd pull it out of the bank for him? 0.99

01:38:47.000 Pull it right out of the fucking bank. 1.00

01:38:48.000 Cash! 1.00

01:38:49.000 And give it right back to you.

01:38:50.000 You gave it right back to him on Monday.

01:38:50.000 That's so risky.

01:38:52.000 I was friends with that guy for years.

01:38:54.000 I met him my sophomore year.

01:38:56.000 I was mailing something.

01:38:57.000 Something fell out.

01:38:58.000 I was working on a lumberyard, and an envelope fell down.

01:39:00.000 And when I went to pick it up, I heard the envelope go...

01:39:04.000 I didn't say nothing.

01:39:05.000 I put it in my pocket.

01:39:05.000 I ripped it.

01:39:06.000 And then I went home and there was two credit cards and two checks.

01:39:09.000 One for like 20 and one for like 18. And I was going to use the credit cards.

01:39:13.000 I was a young kid.

01:39:14.000 My mom had just died. 0.99

01:39:15.000 I didn't know what the fuck to do. 1.00

01:39:17.000 And I went to a buddy of mine who I knew his brother was a little fucked up. 1.00

01:39:20.000 He knew those people. 0.98

01:39:21.000 And I said, dog, I got these two checks.

01:39:23.000 One for 18, one for 20. He wrote his brother's number.

01:39:26.000 He goes, call my brother.

01:39:27.000 He'll take care of it for you.

01:39:46.000 Don't you think, though, like, we think about, like, how many guys that benefited from having Babbitt run that club?

01:39:54.000 Oh, it was a great club.

01:39:56.000 It was a great club while he was running.

01:39:57.000 I'm just saying that...

01:39:59.000 I'm not talking about the job they did.

01:40:01.000 I was talking how most people ran around thinking they were the end-all, be-all.

01:40:06.000 Like, there's a lot of club owners that they get to a point that they get so cocky, they're like, oh, I'm calling Hollywood.

01:40:11.000 You'll never work again.

01:40:13.000 And people really trip.

01:40:14.000 You know, when I first started in this business as a guy that's the Holly, the drummer from Buddy Holly, He books in Texas. 0.98

01:40:21.000 And he's a real cuntbag.

01:40:23.000 What he does is he calls you and he goes, I'm gonna pay you $2.50 a night from Tuesday to Saturday. 0.97

01:40:28.000 And then once the gig week comes up, we only have Saturday left. 0.98

01:40:33.000 Well, I can't drive from Boston to fucking New Orleans for fucking Saturday night. 0.99

01:40:38.000 No! 0.99

01:40:39.000 You know, I'm not doing it.

01:40:41.000 So I was working with the guy.

01:40:42.000 I had a great relationship with the guy.

01:40:44.000 I moved to Seattle, and he gave me this week in New Mexico, and I wanted to go down.

01:40:48.000 They had great clubs in New Mexico at the time. 0.99

01:40:50.000 Sure enough, the motherfucker calls me. 0.99

01:40:51.000 He goes, there's only one night. 1.00

01:40:52.000 It's Saturday night.

01:40:53.000 I go, dog, I'm living in Seattle now.

01:40:55.000 I could have gone down there for the other money, but I can't go for one night. 1.00

01:40:58.000 This motherfucker told me, if you fucking cancel on me, you'll never work on improv. 1.00

01:41:03.000 You'll never work for nobody. 1.00

01:41:05.000 I waited till the night of the gig. 1.00

01:41:09.000 And I called this motherfucker. 1.00

01:41:10.000 At a quarter of eight, he kept calling me. 1.00

01:41:12.000 On the pager, where are you?

01:41:14.000 And I kept calling back, I'm 30 miles out.

01:41:17.000 I'm 10 miles out. 1.00

01:41:19.000 At about a quarter of eight, I called this motherfucker. 1.00

01:41:21.000 I said, don't you ever threaten me again. 1.00

01:41:22.000 It looks like your mother's headlining that motherfucker. 1.00

01:41:25.000 And I just hung up the fucking phone, dog. 1.00

01:41:28.000 Don't you ever threaten me again, you dumb motherfucker. 1.00

01:41:31.000 Your mother's head lying in the closet. 1.00

01:41:33.000 So then, a couple years later, I go to Houston and tell them, oh, Doug, there's some guy, he's looking for somebody to go to Mississippi tomorrow night for like 300 bucks.

01:41:42.000 And I go, I'll do it.

01:41:43.000 And they told me the guy, oh, that's the guy I beat.

01:41:45.000 And they go, he forgot, call him by now.

01:41:47.000 He forgot.

01:41:49.000 What did he say?

01:41:51.000 Your name sounds familiar.

01:41:54.000 I go, listen, I'm the headliner.

01:41:56.000 I'm at the store.

01:41:56.000 I've done movies.

01:41:57.000 Just give me the gig for three bills.

01:41:58.000 He goes, oh, your name sounds familiar.

01:42:00.000 Call me tomorrow.

01:42:01.000 The next day, he called me.

01:42:02.000 He goes, I remember you.

01:42:03.000 You're the guy that called me at 10 to 8. Told me to tell my mother the headline.

01:42:09.000 Did you still do the gig? 1.00

01:42:10.000 Fuck, no. 1.00

01:42:11.000 He wouldn't give it to me. 1.00

01:42:12.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:42:14.000 That's the shit that bothered me. 1.00

01:42:16.000 That's my thing. 1.00

01:42:17.000 That we're young. 1.00

01:42:18.000 We're stupid, we're naive, and we believe, and those people take advantage of us. 1.00

01:42:21.000 It's like anybody else taking advantage of you. 1.00

01:42:23.000 Babbitt was a great guy, but the reason why the Houston comedy scene is the way it is because Babbitt fucked with those kids' heads. 1.00

01:42:29.000 At some point, he had them like, bitches, don't look at me. 1.00

01:42:32.000 Don't make eye contact. 1.00

01:42:33.000 Look at the motherfucking floor. 0.99

01:42:35.000 Look at the kid that bombed at the comedy store. 0.99

01:42:37.000 He never did comedy again.

01:42:38.000 Babbitt had him telling me, you were going to be bigger than Carlos.

01:42:41.000 You're going to be bigger than this guy.

01:42:42.000 You're going to be bigger than this.

01:42:43.000 You're the next Bill Hicks.

01:42:44.000 You know?

01:42:45.000 Well, he did have bad taste.

01:42:46.000 Right.

01:42:47.000 He had some bad.

01:42:48.000 Like, he would tell you a guy, I want this guy to open for you.

01:42:51.000 And you would go, what are you talking about? 1.00

01:42:53.000 Like, are you fucking crazy? 1.00

01:42:54.000 I'm not going to have people pay to hear that guy talk. 1.00

01:42:57.000 Like, he would have guys that were...

01:42:59.000 They had nothing.

01:43:00.000 There was nothing there.

01:43:01.000 This one guy who would just memorize these, like, fake rants.

01:43:05.000 It was, like, this long... 0.91

01:43:07.000 He would, like, have these big, deep breaths in between the rants and just rant this thing out, like, with all these, like, stats and numbers, and he'd say all this shit, and it was because he had memorized it all that it was so impressive. 0.92

01:43:19.000 But there was no funny in it. 0.94

01:43:21.000 There was no comedy in it.

01:43:22.000 It was, like, a trick.

01:43:23.000 It was, like, he memorized all this stuff with this crazy brand, and all of a sudden...

01:43:26.000 And then everybody go, oh, that was great.

01:43:28.000 He did that thing.

01:43:29.000 And that was his whole act, was these rants.

01:43:32.000 But they weren't like a... 0.88

01:43:33.000 It wasn't like a rant where he had a point, like a Bill Burr rant, where it's a rant, but there's all these jokes in it, pointing shit out, and you're laughing.

01:43:43.000 No, there was nothing until the end, and in the end you would clap.

01:43:46.000 He was one of the beginnings of alternative comedy. 0.99

01:43:49.000 Like, people go see him, oh my God, that's such a brilliant, you know, because when Jesus Jones wrote that song, you're like, Jesus, what the fuck are you talking about?

01:43:57.000 And look, he faded away and he cracked and became a bartender or something.

01:44:01.000 And that's what, you know, a couple, my breakthrough in my life really came when I did analyze that and I met that director. 0.99

01:44:10.000 When I met that dude that was that they told him to go fuck himself on Saturday Night Live. 0.99

01:44:14.000 What dude is that? 1.00

01:44:15.000 Harold Ramis.

01:44:16.000 Harold Ramis.

01:44:16.000 He really changed my life.

01:44:18.000 Really?

01:44:19.000 That two hour...

01:44:19.000 I had a great talk with him about comedy.

01:44:22.000 And he goes, I watched your tape.

01:44:23.000 Why don't you go to Montreal?

01:44:25.000 Wait a minute, you had a tape?

01:44:26.000 I had a stand-up tape at the time.

01:44:28.000 You gave a tape to him? 1.00

01:44:29.000 Fuck you, that's Harold Ramis. 1.00

01:44:30.000 He gets his tape. 1.00

01:44:31.000 That's Harold Ramis.

01:44:32.000 I put together a...

01:44:34.000 At that time, I went to...

01:44:36.000 I went to see this lady... 0.99

01:44:37.000 I gotta know the rules.

01:44:38.000 No, no, I went to see this lady... 0.99

01:44:55.000 And she really took a liking to me.

01:44:58.000 So she would tell me, send me everything you got.

01:45:01.000 I want to push you for this movie.

01:45:03.000 But I need for you to send me what you got.

01:45:05.000 So I only had at that time, I only had the mesos. 0.94

01:45:08.000 I had that gay mafia thing. 1.00

01:45:10.000 That's all I had. 0.77

01:45:11.000 So I put stand-up on it.

01:45:12.000 I had a really good set somewhere and sent it to her.

01:45:15.000 And I remember Harold Ramis pulling me over and he goes, you're natural. 0.99

01:45:18.000 These pricks I see in Montreal, I ain't got dick on you. 1.00

01:45:21.000 I mean, this guy said shit. 1.00

01:45:22.000 This is Harold fucking Ramis. 1.00

01:45:24.000 And he's the one that looked me in the eye and he goes, don't take shit from these pussies either. 1.00

01:45:29.000 Because they're all a bunch of pussies. 1.00

01:45:30.000 Al Ramos said that? 1.00

01:45:31.000 He was like...

01:45:31.000 Oh, my God!

01:45:32.000 Don't take shit from these pussies. 1.00

01:45:33.000 Don't take shit from none of these pussies. 1.00

01:45:35.000 Because once you take it, it's like... 1.00

01:45:37.000 Clemenza told Michael, they should have stopped Hitler in Munich. 1.00

01:45:41.000 Once you take this shit... 1.00

01:45:43.000 And I remember I shot that movie in, like, September. 1.00

01:45:47.000 And that October, that December, Pete, from the goodness of his heart, used to headline me in Houston.

01:45:55.000 The first guy to ever headline me was Pete Houston.

01:45:57.000 That's why he still calls me.

01:45:58.000 And I give him the respect as a man.

01:46:00.000 I still call him and thank him.

01:46:02.000 Nobody else would even feature me.

01:46:03.000 He was headlining me. 1.00

01:46:04.000 He's like, you're a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:46:05.000 He saw me with Pablo in Houston. 1.00

01:46:07.000 And he's like, I'm going to headline you.

01:46:08.000 So he would headline me in Christmas for two weeks.

01:46:11.000 I didn't pay me, Joe, before anybody paid me.

01:46:13.000 And I went down there and did blow and went crazy.

01:46:15.000 But that wasn't the point.

01:46:18.000 Pete took care of me.

01:46:19.000 That wasn't the point.

01:46:20.000 I didn't blow.

01:46:21.000 I went crazy.

01:46:22.000 Oh, I used to go crazy.

01:46:23.000 Not for nothing.

01:46:24.000 I just watched my episode of Coke Case after two weeks in Houston.

01:46:27.000 I was like 400 pounds. 0.99

01:46:29.000 My neck was swollen from the sodium and the fucking inositol and cloline and the cocaine. 0.99

01:46:35.000 My neck was swollen. 0.99

01:46:37.000 I would go to Houston and just eat that barbecue every day and do blow every night and drink shots of Jägermeister.

01:46:42.000 You know, what happens to you?

01:46:43.000 It is awesome.

01:46:46.000 That sounds great.

01:46:46.000 Coke is fun.

01:46:49.000 Burritos from Houston. 1.00

01:46:50.000 We'll put some fucking pounds on you. 1.00

01:46:51.000 I remember coming back one day and I got a call from a guy at the improv. 0.99

01:46:57.000 And this guy, this pretty cool guy to an extent.

01:47:00.000 He goes, hey man, you know, this is a true story, Joe.

01:47:02.000 This is like January 6th of 2003. And I had just done analyze that.

01:47:08.000 And this is the first time I was in a test when Harold Ramis said to me. 1.00

01:47:12.000 He goes, don't take shit from none of these comedy guys and tell them all to go fuck themselves. 1.00

01:47:16.000 You're a funny guy. 1.00

01:47:17.000 Don't ever look back.

01:47:18.000 Go! 0.95

01:47:19.000 And I got a call from one of the heads of the improv, and he goes, hey man, we just got a call.

01:47:25.000 We have a club in Houston, but you're working the other club.

01:47:29.000 And I said, yeah, that's when they were trying to make people not work.

01:47:32.000 This is early on.

01:47:34.000 This is 2003, before anything.

01:47:37.000 I was driving on Melrose, and he goes, you know, it's not right that you do that.

01:47:40.000 We've always taken care of you.

01:47:42.000 And I go, and I snapped, Joe.

01:47:44.000 And I go, taking care of me where? 0.99

01:47:45.000 In Miami for $6.50 a fucking week? 0.99

01:47:47.000 I do 13 shows, and I outsell the fucking headliner because I'm Cuban? 1.00

01:47:51.000 How the fuck do you take care of me? 1.00

01:47:52.000 When do you take care of me? 1.00

01:47:53.000 I go, look at your fucking schedule right now for the next six months. 0.99

01:47:56.000 Go look at Irvine. 0.99

01:47:57.000 Am I in Irvine?

01:47:58.000 Am I in Ontario? 0.99

01:47:59.000 Am I in fucking Brea? 0.99

01:48:01.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:48:02.000 You give it to all your boys. 1.00

01:48:03.000 Don't say you fucking take care of me. 1.00

01:48:05.000 And he goes, well, you don't understand. 1.00

01:48:07.000 All you have to do is ask. 0.99

01:48:08.000 Well, I'm fucking asking. 0.99

01:48:09.000 Open your book. 0.99

01:48:09.000 Right now. 0.99

01:48:10.000 Oh, I can't.

01:48:11.000 I have to.

01:48:11.000 No, right now.

01:48:12.000 Open your fucking book. 1.00

01:48:13.000 And they're like, no. 1.00

01:48:14.000 And I go, listen, the conversation's fucking over. 0.98

01:48:16.000 Well, that's anti-competitive practice. 0.99

01:48:18.000 And I go, the competition, I go, the conversation's over.

01:48:21.000 And he goes, no, it's not, because you just won't work any of our improvs.

01:48:24.000 And I go, say that again to me.

01:48:26.000 I go, say that again. 1.00

01:48:27.000 I'm gonna go down and I'm gonna bang your head off that fucking desk. 1.00

01:48:29.000 Joe Rogan, just like that. 1.00

01:48:31.000 I was in one of those cocaine morning moves.

01:48:34.000 He caught me at like 10, 15. A bad time to catch me in those cocaine days because I was probably broke and thinking of where am I gonna get my next fix from.

01:48:42.000 And you're calling me, threatening me at 10 and 15 in the morning, telling me I can't work Houston when you don't do dick for me. 0.98

01:48:48.000 And I said, say another word. 0.99

01:48:49.000 I'm three blocks from your office. 1.00

01:48:52.000 I'm gonna go there, I'm gonna bang your head off your... 1.00

01:48:54.000 No, I said, you're gonna say something, I'm gonna say something, you're gonna say something, I'm gonna say something, that I'm three blocks from your office, I'm gonna go there, I'm gonna bang your head off your fucking desk. 0.99

01:49:03.000 And dog, I heard a hang-up, and I went home, and I didn't call nobody, I thought I was done at the improv. 0.99

01:49:08.000 And do you know that two days later, I got a motherfucking call with three weeks from The Improv. 0.95

01:49:13.000 It's a feature spot in Southern California. 1.00

01:49:15.000 So sometimes you got to put your foot down with these creepy motherfuckers, dawg, because they get a pow up to... 0.99

01:49:21.000 In L.A., nothing happens to you till they see you on television. 1.00

01:49:25.000 They treat you like shit. 1.00

01:49:27.000 Once they see you in a commercial, because now they know. 1.00

01:49:31.000 You may not be that motherfucker, but you might become that motherfucker. 1.00

01:49:31.000 You know what? 1.00

01:49:35.000 So they don't give you everything. 0.99

01:49:37.000 They still break your balls. 0.99

01:49:38.000 But they don't... 0.99

01:49:39.000 Now they know that you're real. 1.00

01:49:41.000 This motherfucker could strike. 1.00

01:49:43.000 That's the most important thing with me, that every year I keep throwing jabs at them. 1.00

01:49:47.000 So they can talk all the shit they want, but I'm still alive, motherfucker. 1.00

01:49:50.000 You follow me? 1.00

01:49:51.000 So they can say all the shit they want... 1.00

01:49:53.000 Yeah, but I'm still here. 1.00

01:49:54.000 What the fuck have you done? 0.99

01:49:55.000 When a company has too many rooms like that, and they want too big of a piece of the pie, and then they want you to stop doing the other rooms that are in town that you've had a relationship forever, whether it's Atlanta or Denver. 1.00

01:50:05.000 Denver, they had a big issue in Denver, where, you know, When you go there, Wendy will tell you the whole fucking story about it.

01:50:11.000 She had this meeting with people that were going to open up another club in town, and they wanted to tell her they were going to either go into business with her, allow her to buy in, or they're basically going to run her out of town. 0.93

01:50:23.000 She's like, oh yeah, good luck with that. 0.98

01:50:24.000 What are you guys going to do for open mic nights?

01:50:26.000 It's one of the things she asked them.

01:50:27.000 And they said, we're not going to have an open mic night.

01:50:28.000 She goes, okay, so let me get this straight.

01:50:31.000 It's like if you sold widgets, why wouldn't you make widgets?

01:50:35.000 You gotta get your widgets from somewhere else?

01:50:36.000 Like, why don't you make your own widgets?

01:50:38.000 Like, you're not gonna develop any widgets?

01:50:39.000 And they're like...

01:50:41.000 They're not thinking in terms of, like, long term.

01:50:45.000 Especially, like, someone like Wendy's the best case example.

01:50:48.000 Wendy, in my opinion, is the reason why there's a Denver comedy scene. 1.00

01:50:52.000 Like, her supporting those two clubs, the Comedy Works, which are two of the best clubs in the country, she's the reason why there's a scene in Denver.

01:50:58.000 But she's the best-case scenario.

01:51:00.000 She's a cool person.

01:51:01.000 She loves comedy.

01:51:02.000 She's fun to be around.

01:51:03.000 She does it right. 1.00

01:51:04.000 But then you got, like, a Babbitt that you gotta deal with his shit, or you got a Tom that you gotta deal with his shit. 1.00

01:51:09.000 Well, I didn't have to deal with it, but you had to deal with it. 1.00

01:51:10.000 You know? 1.00

01:51:11.000 And these people, they're responsible for the fucking scene. 0.99

01:51:14.000 They're a big part of the scene. 1.00

01:51:15.000 Babbitt was responsible for the scene.

01:51:17.000 It's obvious.

01:51:18.000 Once he left, the scene went away.

01:51:20.000 He was a key cog in that wheel, you know?

01:51:23.000 And when you got a person like Wendy or a person like Babbitt that's like a big player in the whole scene, like, they're so important.

01:51:31.000 Because otherwise, all you have is L.A. and New York, and Chicago barely has a scene.

01:51:35.000 What's the Chicago scene like?

01:51:36.000 Chicago's ripping and rocking.

01:51:38.000 Is it ripping and rocking now? 1.00

01:51:39.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:51:39.000 Where? 1.00

01:51:40.000 Which club?

01:51:41.000 You got Zany's, which is... 0.99

01:51:43.000 Downtown's a great club.

01:51:44.000 Do they have an open mic tonight?

01:51:45.000 I don't know, but the Laugh Factory is doing great. 0.98

01:51:48.000 Brian Morton, my buddy, is fucking kicking ass over there as the manager. 0.93

01:51:51.000 They have an open... 0.99

01:51:52.000 Are they developing local talent, though?

01:51:54.000 He is...

01:51:54.000 Dog, he sells out on Friday and Saturday with no headliners.

01:51:58.000 That's how good Brian Morton's going after it.

01:52:00.000 Brian Morton walked into that laugh factory and said, I want to be a county manager.

01:52:03.000 And Jay Masada said, well, buddy, who's your favorite comedian? 0.97

01:52:07.000 He said, Joey Diaz and Irie motherfucking Shafir. 0.96

01:52:10.000 He said the guy turned pale. 1.00

01:52:11.000 He hired him, and the dude's over there ripping that fucking place apart. 0.98

01:52:15.000 So who, does he have local guys? 0.99

01:52:17.000 Local guys.

01:52:18.000 Oh, so he's got a local scene.

01:52:19.000 But Zaney's is great.

01:52:20.000 That one in Richmond or the other one, Zaney's has three of them.

01:52:24.000 Yeah, there's, um, what's the one that's just outside?

01:52:27.000 The airport is tremendous.

01:52:29.000 That's tremendous.

01:52:30.000 I've done the other one that's just outside.

01:52:31.000 What is it?

01:52:31.000 What is that?

01:52:32.000 It's a great club.

01:52:33.000 Oh, I would shoot a special there.

01:52:35.000 I went off.

01:52:36.000 So who's doing the open mic nights, though?

01:52:38.000 There's a couple clubs now.

01:52:40.000 There's a couple.

01:52:41.000 There's one other club in Chicago.

01:52:43.000 The Laugh Factory is doing a lot of open mics.

01:52:45.000 This is a comedy you've seen in a lot of places now.

01:52:47.000 You'd be surprised.

01:52:48.000 You know Mike Epps bought a club in Miami?

01:52:50.000 He did?

01:52:52.000 Miami, huh?

01:52:53.000 Yeah.

01:52:53.000 Does he live down there?

01:52:54.000 I don't know.

01:52:55.000 I don't know the particulars.

01:52:56.000 I just heard that.

01:52:57.000 But there's a lot of comedy going on.

01:52:58.000 Do you think you would ever want to own a club?

01:53:02.000 Yes. 0.99

01:53:02.000 It seems like it would be a huge fucking headache. 0.99

01:53:05.000 It would be a huge headache depending on how you did it. 0.98

01:53:09.000 I think that the clubs they're opening now are huge headaches because, A, there's a couple of weeks, a couple of years ago, I was in the mood for Dairy Queen. 0.97

01:53:19.000 I go, Terry, there's no fucking Dairy Queen. 0.52

01:53:21.000 We gotta go all the way to Northridge. 1.00

01:53:22.000 What if the Northridge had the Dairy Queen tasted like dick? 1.00

01:53:25.000 The reason why is because these had these fucking people that never grew up on Dairy Queen. 1.00

01:53:32.000 They bought it as an investment. 0.99

01:53:34.000 They mixed it with Orange Julius, and they don't know nothing.

01:53:36.000 They're from another country, and they went to somebody, and they thought that was the best thing. 0.99

01:53:41.000 When I go to the Dairy Queen in Tennessee, that motherfucker's owned it for 41 years. 0.99

01:53:46.000 When you go in there, you can tell he knows his ice cream. 0.99

01:53:49.000 Same thing with some of these comedy clubs now.

01:53:52.000 For some people, they're investments and they come and go.

01:53:54.000 It's the people who really love comedy.

01:53:56.000 And I will tell you one thing.

01:53:58.000 Wendy was there when I walked into that club in 1991. January 18th, June 18th, 1991, when I walked into that comedy club, Wendy was there.

01:54:07.000 I'm gonna tell you something else.

01:54:08.000 Wendy was doing things at that club. 1.00

01:54:11.000 24 years ago that nobody else was doing. 1.00

01:54:14.000 She was putting motherfuckers in like Bobby Collins on a Tuesday. 1.00

01:54:18.000 And Wednesday. 0.99

01:54:19.000 Nobody was doing that.

01:54:20.000 Then having a different headliner come in Wednesday and Thursday.

01:54:23.000 Then have a different headliner come in Friday and Saturday.

01:54:25.000 Don't tell me because I was there.

01:54:28.000 Wendy is really good at what she does. 0.99

01:54:30.000 Wendy is one of the top three comedy people in this country. 1.00

01:54:34.000 Wendy can make a call and shut your fucking lights out if she really wants to. 1.00

01:54:39.000 Wendy deals with everybody. 1.00

01:54:41.000 Everybody likes Wendy.

01:54:42.000 Wendy loves comedy. 1.00

01:54:44.000 When Wendy dreams at night, she dreams of an orgy, but there's a comedy guy on TV doing stand-up while she's getting fucked. 1.00

01:54:52.000 Okay? 1.00

01:54:53.000 That's Wendy.

01:54:54.000 Wendy knows comedy.

01:54:56.000 I respect Wendy.

01:54:58.000 I never had a problem with Wendy.

01:55:00.000 Wendy asked me to leave, and I wasn't mad at her.

01:55:02.000 It was business.

01:55:02.000 It wasn't my comedy.

01:55:04.000 It wasn't that she hated me.

01:55:05.000 It was something that happened.

01:55:07.000 She's a real...

01:55:08.000 I never used Wendy.

01:55:10.000 I'm talking about 50% of these people.

01:55:14.000 That they actually become the end-all, be-all in comedy, and we're scared of them. 1.00

01:55:19.000 And they fuck with us. 1.00

01:55:20.000 They fuck with you, Joe. 1.00

01:55:22.000 They fuck with you on a lot of levels. 1.00

01:55:23.000 But do you imagine what it would be like to fucking deal with comedians? 1.00

01:55:27.000 I mean, they developed this... 0.99

01:55:29.000 It's like, if you deal...

01:55:30.000 Like, if you're a woman, okay? 0.97

01:55:31.000 And you're walking down the street, and everywhere you go, men are fucking cat-calling you and yelling shit at you and freaking you out, and you run into a guy in an elevator, you're automatically gonna be like, what? 0.98

01:55:41.000 You know, you're automatically gonna be like, Jesus Christ, another guy? 0.99

01:55:45.000 Like, I'm tired of getting hit on by guys. 1.00

01:55:47.000 If you're a fucking owner of a comedy club, and you're dealing with wacko comedians all day long, constantly, think about all the people that we know that are fucking crazy. 1.00

01:55:56.000 Crazy, crazy. 1.00

01:55:57.000 All the people that we've dealt with over the years at the store.

01:56:00.000 I, I, I... All the Barry Diamonds.

01:56:03.000 We're the craziest bunch in the world, but there's a certain way to deal with it. 0.99

01:56:06.000 There used to be a guy in San Francisco at the punchline that you'd hatch or whatever his fucking name. 1.00

01:56:11.000 It was another cunt. 1.00

01:56:12.000 That you'd go up there and there was no list. 1.00

01:56:15.000 He'd point at you to tell you he was next. 0.78

01:56:17.000 And you had to sit there like an ugly girl at the prom and hope that he would put you up. 0.94

01:56:21.000 And after there was 50 people at the end of the night, he'd go, all right, everybody gone.

01:56:24.000 See you next week.

01:56:25.000 It was like on the waterfront when those people went and they would get called on.

01:56:29.000 Union jobs, right.

01:56:30.000 In the morning.

01:56:30.000 You're working today.

01:56:31.000 You're working.

01:56:32.000 The rest of you go home.

01:56:32.000 You're working.

01:56:33.000 He did it in a way to make you feel bad.

01:56:36.000 Todd Sawyer did the same thing to people at Cubs.

01:56:39.000 They used to do an open mic on Mondays.

01:56:40.000 I heard people used to call them.

01:56:42.000 Club owners would go, I'm sending Joe Rogan up there to do it.

01:56:44.000 Okay.

01:56:45.000 Then he'd come up and think, I don't have a spot for you. 0.99

01:56:46.000 Bitch, I came all the way up to San Francisco on a Monday. 0.99

01:56:49.000 Those are the douchey things. 1.00

01:56:49.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:56:51.000 How about Jamie makes people wait in front of the Laugh Factory?

01:56:54.000 He makes them sign up in the morning and wait all day in the sun.

01:56:59.000 In LA. It's a hundred fucking degrees outside and there's a line around the side of the building of people waiting to go on stage for three minutes. 0.96

01:57:07.000 And that's actually waiting in line to go next week. 0.98

01:57:10.000 You have to wait in that whole entire line just to sign up for next week's show where you have to wait in line again.

01:57:17.000 It didn't used to be like that.

01:57:18.000 It used to be the week of.

01:57:20.000 Okay, I knew you were.

01:57:21.000 You go someplace and they sign you up and you come back and I say, listen, you get as many minutes as people you bring.

01:57:27.000 You're earning your keep.

01:57:28.000 That's one thing. 1.00

01:57:29.000 I'd rather know where I stand than get fucked with. 0.99

01:57:31.000 That's the leg I'm talking about. 0.99

01:57:33.000 Really?

01:57:33.000 You need a tape of me.

01:57:35.000 You just saw him at the store. 1.00

01:57:36.000 What the fuck do you need? 1.00

01:57:39.000 If I'm good enough for Mitzi Shaw, why do you want a tape? 1.00

01:57:42.000 Who the fuck are you in your fucking shit town to want a tape from me? 1.00

01:57:47.000 I'm at the fucking major league of fucking comedy, the comedy store. 1.00

01:57:52.000 You call me and you want a tape? 1.00

01:57:53.000 Go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:57:55.000 I'm not sending you a fucking tape. 1.00

01:57:58.000 It's against my fucking will. 0.99

01:58:00.000 It's like these people now with movies and TV. Joey, they want you to do a co-star, but they want you to send the reel. 0.98

01:58:07.000 No, don't send shit. 0.99

01:58:08.000 Joey, but they... 1.00

01:58:09.000 No, it's a co-star.

01:58:10.000 They could offer it to me.

01:58:12.000 And if they don't, fine.

01:58:13.000 I'll do my podcast and I'll live another week.

01:58:16.000 That's the mind. 1.00

01:58:17.000 And eventually they'll go, this motherfucker isn't gonna. 1.00

01:58:20.000 We might as well give it to him. 1.00

01:58:21.000 I'm not doing it for that. 0.98

01:58:22.000 You want me to fucking be a guest star or reoccur? 0.98

01:58:24.000 You want to give me a series regular? 1.00

01:58:25.000 I'll give you a fucking tape and I'll fucking come down and talk to you. 0.99

01:58:28.000 But for a co-star, we've been doing this. 0.99

01:58:30.000 Look at the IMDB. What fucking tape? 0.99

01:58:33.000 Who the fuck are you? 1.00

01:58:34.000 Who the fuck are you to decide? 1.00

01:58:36.000 Let me see your fucking tape. 1.00

01:58:38.000 Let me see your fucking tape. 1.00

01:58:41.000 I ain't sending, you know, fucking tape. 1.00

01:58:42.000 Even then, I had my fucking pride. 1.00

01:58:45.000 Even then, I wouldn't send the fucking tape to him. 1.00

01:58:48.000 I refused. 0.99

01:58:49.000 I finally sent him the blank tape.

01:58:50.000 He gave me that answer, and I never had respect for none of them again.

01:58:54.000 Because I found that it was a power play.

01:58:56.000 It was like, you're on my court.

01:58:58.000 You know, you want to give me some respect.

01:59:00.000 What respect?

01:59:00.000 What do you do?

01:59:01.000 You're a pimp. 1.00

01:59:02.000 You take 20% of what people come to the fucking door. 1.00

01:59:04.000 What the fuck do you do? 1.00

01:59:05.000 What have you done? 1.00

01:59:06.000 You can't even play the fucking ukulele. 1.00

01:59:07.000 What the fuck do you do? 1.00

01:59:10.000 You can't even play the fucking ukulele. 1.00

01:59:12.000 What the fuck have you done? 1.00

01:59:13.000 That's my... 1.00

01:59:14.000 That's where I'm coming from.

01:59:15.000 I didn't want to insult club owners of Babbitt.

01:59:18.000 They did great jobs. 1.00

01:59:19.000 It was the shit they pulled. 1.00

01:59:21.000 That I didn't fucking like. 1.00

01:59:22.000 I used to bring Joey on the road with me, like, way back in the day. 0.96

01:59:24.000 We started going on the road together, what, in, like, the late 90s?

01:59:26.000 Yeah.

01:59:27.000 We started going on the road together, and I would bring him to clubs, and they would go, you know, I just don't think your friend is a good fit for this club.

01:59:33.000 I mean, it's, you know, I'm like, what are you, do you not hear the people laughing?

01:59:38.000 I go, they're all laughing.

01:59:39.000 You hear all those people laughing.

01:59:40.000 Yeah, it's just not our kind of comedy.

01:59:41.000 I go, what kind of comedy is that?

01:59:43.000 I go, you don't like funny comedy?

01:59:44.000 Like, you know, I've had guys tell me that he makes me look bad.

01:59:47.000 This is, like, way back in the day.

01:59:49.000 It's before people knew who he was.

01:59:50.000 And they were like, you know, let's just say we just don't think he's that good and it's just not what we want for our club.

01:59:55.000 And I'd be like, I'd open the door, listen to that.

01:59:57.000 You hear everybody laughing?

01:59:58.000 What's that?

01:59:59.000 You know, they'd have these ideas, especially in the 90s.

02:00:02.000 They had ideas of, like, what comedy was.

02:00:05.000 And there was a lot of pressure to be clean.

02:00:08.000 There was a lot more push now before the Internet.

02:00:12.000 Once the internet came along, slowly but surely, it sort of expanded everybody's idea of what's acceptable. 0.95

02:00:17.000 Like, even things on television are so, like, look at the fucking scene in The Walking Dead. 0.97

02:00:21.000 I don't want to tell you, spoiler alert, where they hit the people over the head with the baths and they cut their throats. 0.99

02:00:25.000 That was on fucking cable television. 0.98

02:00:27.000 It's not on HBO. I mean, and they showed it in the most graphic way possible. 0.99

02:00:31.000 I don't think people would have accepted that before the internet had come along.

02:00:35.000 I don't think people accept that.

02:00:37.000 But now, like, our ideas of what you can say and what you can't say, they're all so different.

02:00:42.000 And you can get famous from the internet.

02:00:45.000 And because Joey's become famous from the internet, you know, I get to say, like, see? 0.99

02:00:50.000 I fucking told you. 0.99

02:00:51.000 I told you. 1.00

02:00:52.000 You were wrong.

02:00:53.000 You had this idea that everybody had to fit in your cookie cutter world. 1.00

02:00:57.000 And they thought that I was like a sick fuck for thinking that you were funny. 0.99

02:01:00.000 I'm like, I'm not the only one. 0.99

02:01:02.000 Like, you're not hearing the rest of the crowd, but until someone comes along and puts you on a television show or puts you in a movie, then they don't want to take that chance.

02:01:10.000 They don't want to take the chance on this wild man.

02:01:12.000 You know, it was you, it was Ari.

02:01:14.000 Duncan was the only one that nobody ever complained about.

02:01:16.000 Nobody ever complained about me taking Duncan somewhere.

02:01:18.000 You know, because he's a good joke writer, but he's also not...

02:01:22.000 Well, he is now.

02:01:23.000 He's gotten much more offensive.

02:01:24.000 Like, lately, over the last, like, three years.

02:01:27.000 That's a new joke he's got again. 0.99

02:01:28.000 I don't want to spoiler alert it, but he's got some great fucking jokes. 0.97

02:01:32.000 But it was this idea that comedy couldn't... 0.98

02:01:36.000 It couldn't be, like, what goes on at the store.

02:01:38.000 It had to be, like, what they saw on MTV. It had to be what they saw on Comedy Central.

02:01:44.000 You know, it had to be censorship.

02:01:45.000 Listen, Joe, they saw...

02:01:50.000 Oh, yeah.

02:01:56.000 Oh, yeah.

02:02:03.000 Well, Lisa's a really good marketer. 0.97

02:02:05.000 You don't know what they're gonna go for.

02:02:07.000 What comes out of my mouth...

02:02:09.000 I've seen people say worse than me, and they love them.

02:02:12.000 And they love them.

02:02:13.000 You know, I remember going for a showcase for two and a half men before the show even started.

02:02:18.000 Do you know that?

02:02:18.000 They were looking for comedians, for sidekicks at the Laugh Factory ten years ago.

02:02:23.000 We all went on a Monday night, and the thing about me was they really liked me, but he's a little too dirty for our show.

02:02:28.000 I never watched the show until about five years ago.

02:02:30.000 One day I was in a hotel and I put it on.

02:02:32.000 The whole show was about sex. 0.99

02:02:34.000 It was all about Charlie Sheen being a pervert. 1.00

02:02:36.000 Being a pervert. 0.96

02:02:37.000 So, what was your point that night? 0.99

02:02:40.000 Embarrassing me to tell me I was dirty and I wasn't for your thing?

02:02:43.000 I always found that you got picked on a little. 0.54

02:02:48.000 As an example, as a comedy and magic club, I remember he thought you were too dirty, but then Ari was allowed to go on and Ari was a million times dirty. 0.99

02:02:56.000 He was a gentleman because he told me to my face.

02:02:58.000 That guy from the Comedy Magic Club, I give him the utmost respect because he told me on a Saturday night after I went there and bombed, he pulled me aside and he goes, Joey, I think this is the last time you came down here. 0.96

02:03:08.000 You know what the fuck up with him is?

02:03:11.000 And I'm not mad at that guy. 0.98

02:03:13.000 He's got that Jay Leno crowd.

02:03:14.000 And he told me to my face and that's all I want.

02:03:14.000 Right.

02:03:17.000 Doug, Doug, Joe Rogan, and I know that you... 0.99

02:03:19.000 I've been fucked with a little bit, and that's why I am as defensive as I am. 0.98

02:03:24.000 I don't have time for these people, and I didn't have time for them. 0.98

02:03:26.000 Once I made up my mind that I was working hard and that I was doing the right thing, I didn't let people influence me.

02:03:32.000 I didn't want to go to Montreal no more.

02:03:33.000 They can't...

02:03:34.000 They don't hold on.

02:03:35.000 Since 2004, I haven't wanted to do nothing.

02:03:37.000 I don't want to do nothing they're a part of.

02:03:39.000 I don't bother nobody.

02:03:39.000 You don't see me.

02:03:40.000 I'm in my own circle.

02:03:42.000 I go to the store.

02:03:42.000 Nobody sees me.

02:03:43.000 I'm not a part of the...

02:03:44.000 I don't want to.

02:03:45.000 They don't want me, and I don't want to include. 0.97

02:03:47.000 But I'm going to keep doing what the fuck I do, and I'm just going to keep getting funnier. 0.97

02:03:51.000 And I'm going to keep getting funnier. 0.99

02:03:52.000 I'm going to get a hold of this.

02:03:53.000 And you're going to be... 0.99

02:03:54.000 Where the fuck are you going to be? 0.99

02:03:55.000 You're gonna keep saying you don't like my style of comedy? 0.99

02:03:57.000 How bad are you gonna look?

02:03:59.000 That's been my life since day one, dog. 0.98

02:04:01.000 I've always been trying to prove somebody fucking off of something. 0.97

02:04:06.000 No, they don't like me. 0.97

02:04:06.000 I can't be trusted. 0.97

02:04:07.000 Well, I'm still fucking here 15 years later, and there's been no problems, and nobody's missing a fucking head. 0.99

02:04:12.000 So for you people who couldn't trust me, you're wrong, too. 0.99

02:04:15.000 If I wanted to rob you, I would have robbed you a long fucking time ago. 0.99

02:04:19.000 It would be my pleasure to rob somebody who would talk shit about me. 1.00

02:04:22.000 That's how I roll. 1.00

02:04:24.000 Is your nose stuffed up or is there something wrong with your microphone?

02:04:26.000 Your nose is not working at all, is it?

02:04:29.000 Do you want to blow it?

02:04:31.000 I did, I went before, but it's just...

02:04:32.000 Do you want some tissue paper or something?

02:04:33.000 Yeah, I can excuse myself.

02:04:35.000 I'm sorry, guys.

02:04:36.000 I just thought there was something wrong with your microphone.

02:04:37.000 I was hearing that weird crackling noise.

02:04:39.000 I thought it was staticking out or something like that.

02:04:42.000 I see what they do to people.

02:04:43.000 I see what they've done to people.

02:04:44.000 And I can sit here and cry.

02:04:46.000 Some amount of energy is, you know, it's good to recognize it and to see what it is.

02:04:50.000 But, you know, some amount of energy, when you start talking about it too much, it becomes a waste of time.

02:04:54.000 And now, the best line Eddie Griffin ever said was when he went to see Amistad, he saw white people walking out covering their faces.

02:05:03.000 I love seeing people that didn't like me ten years ago.

02:05:07.000 I smile at him, and I wave my fingers.

02:05:10.000 Well, do you remember that one time, let's not mention any names, but there was this one agent that would tell me that you weren't talented.

02:05:16.000 And then one day, you and I were in first class, and he walked past us, the coach.

02:05:21.000 And Joey was laughing at him. 1.00

02:05:23.000 Look at this fucking mama. 1.00

02:05:24.000 Get back there where you belong. 1.00

02:05:26.000 You know, it's hilarious. 1.00

02:05:28.000 Filthy animals.

02:05:28.000 I think these guys get a little God complex, and they're not God, because they don't know the work and the effort we put into it.

02:05:35.000 It hurt my feelings, and a lot of it hurt my feelings.

02:05:37.000 Well, you win, Joey.

02:05:38.000 But it was the best thing they ever did, because it's like...

02:05:42.000 Yeah, they made it hard for me, and now they're not around.

02:05:42.000 They made it hard for you.

02:05:45.000 There's so many people who are not around anymore, who I thought would be around forever, including a lot of comics. 0.99

02:05:51.000 Who came to the store fucking barreling through the store, Montreal, deals, this and that, and they fucking disappeared. 0.87

02:06:00.000 And then there's guys like me and Ari. 0.99

02:06:02.000 Let me tell you something.

02:06:02.000 I'm gonna tell you something to your face right now.

02:06:04.000 You too, red man.

02:06:06.000 What Ari did in front of me in Vegas is some of the best material I've heard in the last two years.

02:06:10.000 I'm going to tell you that right now. 0.94

02:06:11.000 The biggie small stuff, and the thing about shit in China, guys, best material I've heard the last two years. 1.00

02:06:17.000 And for you motherfuckers that had your complaints about it, I remember somebody coming out, a club owner telling me, remember one of his first big jokes is texting and shitting, playing video games? 1.00

02:06:27.000 I'll never forget that owner saying that was the worst bit he ever heard in his life, and me going, another fucking moron that doesn't know anything about what we're doing. 1.00

02:06:36.000 Well, it was the same thing. 0.98

02:06:37.000 It was like, there was no TV credits, and I would bring you guys to open, and they would just decide that you weren't ready or you weren't good or that I was picking the wrong horse.

02:06:45.000 And, you know, they would tell me that.

02:06:46.000 They would tell me that, like, these guys, they're not that talented. 1.00

02:06:49.000 I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. 0.99

02:06:51.000 Like, I know what funny is. 1.00

02:06:53.000 I've been around funny for a long time.

02:06:54.000 If I was a talent scout, I mean, my record for picking guys to open for me that are funny, that turn out to be big headliners, it's undisputed.

02:07:02.000 Undisputed?

02:07:03.000 Every one of them.

02:07:04.000 Everybody became a big headliner.

02:07:05.000 You know, all of them.

02:07:06.000 It's like, comics know what's good.

02:07:09.000 And you're not going to be good every night.

02:07:10.000 There's not going to be good every joke. 0.99

02:07:12.000 Every time you try new shit, you run the risk of it not working. 0.99

02:07:15.000 But the guys who try new shit are the guys who are good. 0.99

02:07:18.000 And the guys, you know, sometimes the sets go bad. 0.99

02:07:21.000 Sometimes things go awry.

02:07:22.000 But that's because you're taking chances.

02:07:25.000 It's this cookie-cutter, bland, non-offensive stuff.

02:07:30.000 That's not exciting to me. 0.99

02:07:31.000 What's exciting to me is people that do wild shit and take chances. 0.99

02:07:35.000 But when you don't have credits, man, they automatically assume... 0.99

02:07:38.000 Look, I experienced that.

02:07:40.000 The difference between...

02:07:41.000 In my experience, it happened for me really quickly.

02:07:44.000 But the difference between how people reacted to me before I was on TV and how they reacted after I was on television, like the gigs that I could get, places that I could work, I had the same act.

02:07:56.000 But all of a sudden, just one or two TV credits, and all of a sudden they let me in.

02:08:00.000 All those early TV credits that I got, like Caroline's Comedy Hour and MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour, as soon as I got that, I was in.

02:08:08.000 It's just like they needed a pass.

02:08:10.000 They needed to be able to say, oh, this guy's approved by a higher power.

02:08:14.000 You know, whether it's MTV or whatever it is.

02:08:16.000 And then you're on a sitcom.

02:08:18.000 Like, you could work anywhere.

02:08:19.000 When I was a kid and I watched Pryor, you know?

02:08:22.000 Jamie Vernon.

02:08:22.000 Can't hold his bladder.

02:08:23.000 And I used to watch Pryor, whatever.

02:08:25.000 Ken is in it.

02:08:26.000 Brian Redband. 0.98

02:08:26.000 Gonna pee on him. 0.98

02:08:27.000 I always thought that was the best time for comedy in our lives. 0.74

02:08:31.000 But I gotta tell you something right now. 0.99

02:08:33.000 In the last 100 years, and I'm not talking this out of my ass, you could go home and think about what the fuck I'm telling you. 0.98

02:08:40.000 Right now is the best time that comedy has ever been. 0.99

02:08:43.000 Oh, yeah.

02:08:45.000 Yeah, they gave us greats.

02:08:47.000 They gave us Gleason.

02:08:48.000 They gave us this guy.

02:08:49.000 They gave us that guy.

02:08:50.000 And how good really were they, you know? 1.00

02:08:53.000 Now, today, what we have is we have what you fucking idiots buy into, the shit that they shoved down your throat. 1.00

02:09:00.000 But guess what's also happened? 1.00

02:09:02.000 The underground has become mainstream because of the internet. 0.99

02:09:06.000 So the shit that they were pushing at you 20 years ago, the shit they're pushing at you at these fucking comedy channels anymore, it's not the end-all be-all now. 1.00

02:09:14.000 You motherfuckers are figuring it out for yourselves that they've been shoving shit down our fucking throats. 1.00

02:09:19.000 Well, you know, what I know is there was this period of time for more than ten years where they were focusing on what they thought, what the agents and the managers thought was clever or inside comedy. 1.00

02:09:32.000 Like comedy that the comedians thought was appropriate.

02:09:35.000 Or that like certain groups thought was appropriate.

02:09:38.000 Like you got that alternative movement and they were trying to push that hard.

02:09:42.000 Like this was the hip guy to be attached to.

02:09:45.000 This was the hip guy. 1.00

02:09:47.000 How many of those guys did we want just fucking die? 1.00

02:09:51.000 Die. 1.00

02:09:52.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:09:53.000 Die. 1.00

02:09:54.000 And they walked around like they were doing something different.

02:09:56.000 Yeah, like what they were doing, even though it wasn't funny, it was better.

02:10:00.000 It was better. 1.00

02:10:01.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:10:01.000 Because somehow or another, you were, you were, because you talked about getting your dick sucked or doing coke, like, oh, he's, ugh. 1.00

02:10:08.000 Who wants to hear that? 1.00

02:10:10.000 It's funny.

02:10:11.000 That's what you're missing.

02:10:12.000 You're missing, like...

02:10:13.000 And that's one of the things that freed us with podcasts, because you don't have to constantly, like, express yourself in a way where people have this, uh...

02:10:24.000 You know, this idea of you on stage.

02:10:27.000 You don't have to present who you are.

02:10:28.000 Everybody already knows you.

02:10:30.000 They know who you are.

02:10:31.000 So when you're talking about something on stage, this is what I think is funny about this.

02:10:35.000 You don't have to, like, what is his philosophy?

02:10:37.000 How does he feel about the New World Order?

02:10:39.000 What is his thoughts on chemtrails?

02:10:41.000 How does he feel about, is he equal rights?

02:10:43.000 Is he pro-choice?

02:10:44.000 You don't have to say any of that.

02:10:45.000 Like, you don't have to establish yourself as a left-wing guy or a right-wing guy.

02:10:50.000 But that was, like, a big part of comedy for a while.

02:10:52.000 It was, like, people would do stuff that would establish themselves.

02:10:55.000 Like, guys would say things that weren't funny at all.

02:10:58.000 But, like, you know, if you want to... 1.00

02:11:00.000 Like, Bill Hicks had a fucking bit about if you want, you know, if you want people to not have abortions, you fucking raise those kids. 1.00

02:11:10.000 You fucking raise those kids. 1.00

02:11:11.000 Yeah, okay. 1.00

02:11:12.000 Where's the joke?

02:11:13.000 There was no joke in it.

02:11:14.000 Because back then, if you had an important point, you wanted to sandwich that point in between jokes.

02:11:20.000 Because in people, a lot of times to this day, people get upset at that comedy.

02:11:23.000 And rightly so.

02:11:24.000 And they say it's preachy.

02:11:25.000 You're using your time on stage to preach instead of to be funny.

02:11:30.000 And you can do both.

02:11:31.000 And if you're not doing both, you're taking a shortcut.

02:11:35.000 Because you have an advantage.

02:11:37.000 You're on stage.

02:11:38.000 If you're on stage and you start talking about something, you have a point of view about Republicans or Democrats, and it's not funny.

02:11:43.000 It's just your opinion.

02:11:44.000 If I'm in the audience, I'm like, I disagree.

02:11:47.000 You know, I think this.

02:11:48.000 My opinion, it differs.

02:11:49.000 I don't want to hear your opinion.

02:11:50.000 How come I can't talk about my opinion?

02:11:52.000 But if you go on stage with your opinion and you make me laugh, Well, that's different.

02:11:57.000 Because then, like, you've planted an idea in my head that I might not ordinarily accept ever.

02:12:02.000 But you've made me laugh with it.

02:12:04.000 You know? 1.00

02:12:05.000 And, like, Ari says fucked up shit all the time that I don't agree with. 1.00

02:12:08.000 But it's hilarious. 0.99

02:12:10.000 Because he's not necessarily even saying it because he agrees with it.

02:12:13.000 He's saying it because it's a funnier thing to say.

02:12:16.000 You do that, too.

02:12:16.000 You know?

02:12:17.000 You say shit on stage, I know you don't really mean. 1.00

02:12:19.000 But it's fucking funny. 1.00

02:12:22.000 And I talk about it. 0.98

02:12:23.000 I talked about it in my last special.

02:12:24.000 It's a very important point that we do. 0.98

02:12:26.000 We say shit we don't really mean because it's funnier. 0.98

02:12:29.000 That's what comedy is. 0.98

02:12:31.000 And for the longest time, there was this idea that comedy had to adhere to, like, Certain rules in order for it to be highbrow or certain rules for it to be considered alternative or sophisticated or, you know,

02:12:46.000 this is progressive stand-up comedy.

02:12:49.000 But you're missing the funny part.

02:12:51.000 It's missing a lot of that.

02:12:52.000 To become this other thing, to fit into this ideology, to be accepted, you're missing a lot of the funny.

02:12:59.000 It's not in there.

02:13:00.000 There's certain things you don't talk about.

02:13:02.000 You won't talk about sex.

02:13:04.000 You don't ever talk about sex?

02:13:05.000 Like, you're on stage, you don't talk about sex. 0.99

02:13:07.000 That seems ridiculous to me. 0.97

02:13:09.000 Like, that seems outrageous. 0.80

02:13:11.000 And someone says, like, oh, how could this guy be good?

02:13:14.000 He's doing jokes about...

02:13:15.000 I've heard people say that. 0.99

02:13:16.000 Like, you're telling me this guy's doing jokes about jerking off. 0.99

02:13:18.000 Like, yeah, that's really challenging. 0.98

02:13:20.000 I'm not asking him to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

02:13:23.000 I'm asking him to tell jokes that are funny, that make me laugh.

02:13:26.000 I want good stuff, you know?

02:13:28.000 And it doesn't matter what it's about. 0.95

02:13:29.000 If it's funny, it's fucking funny. 0.96

02:13:32.000 And those people had this idea. 0.95

02:13:34.000 And for the longest time, they pushed that idea.

02:13:37.000 But now the floodgates are broken.

02:13:39.000 Now they're like, ah! 0.99

02:13:40.000 Fucking the Brody Stevens are running through. 0.99

02:13:42.000 I mean, everybody's running through. 1.00

02:13:44.000 And Brody could be mainstream.

02:13:45.000 Brody's like squeaky clean.

02:13:47.000 But it's like nobody could figure out what to do with Brody.

02:13:49.000 And then all of a sudden, people realize, like, we got to put him on TV in some way. 0.99

02:13:54.000 Like, he's fucking goddamn hilarious. 0.96

02:13:56.000 Like, how can we figure out a way to get that guy on TV? And you're the same thing. 0.99

02:14:00.000 And Ari's the same thing.

02:14:01.000 It's like, The internet has allowed people to see what you really are.

02:14:06.000 You know, it allowed people to see the internet.

02:14:08.000 And all they had to do was, like, see the numbers of the podcast that get downloaded, and then they go, well, I guess we gotta get on board here.

02:14:13.000 And then they all just get on board.

02:14:15.000 It's 2015, and a lot of these comedy clubs don't even know about what a podcast is.

02:14:20.000 Yeah.

02:14:21.000 It's amazing.

02:14:22.000 And I'm like, this is your realm of business, and you have no idea how to...

02:14:36.000 They'll know within a year or two.

02:14:38.000 Within a year or two, everyone will know.

02:14:39.000 And it'll be the most important thing that they invest in.

02:14:42.000 Every comedy club, if you have a local scene, every comedy club should have a podcast.

02:14:47.000 You should have your own podcast.

02:14:48.000 How hard is that?

02:14:49.000 You got a guy coming in for a week, you tell him, hey, come down.

02:14:52.000 You're going to do this radio station.

02:14:53.000 You're going to do that radio station.

02:14:55.000 You're going to do our podcast for an hour.

02:14:56.000 We'll put our podcast up that day.

02:14:58.000 Everybody is addicted to the podcast.

02:14:59.000 They know who the guys are that are going to be on that week.

02:15:02.000 Hey, Nick DiPaolo's in town.

02:15:03.000 He's going to be doing the blah, blah, blah club podcast, you know? 0.99

02:15:06.000 The fucking Ice House Chronicles podcast or the fucking Flappers finale podcast. 1.00

02:15:13.000 Whatever the fuck, you know, name it up, the Comedy Store Countdown, you know, whatever the hell. 1.00

02:15:17.000 Every club should have its own shit. 0.99

02:15:19.000 So, like, you have the guy who's, you know, maybe not the store, because it's not like a headline club for the weekend, but any club that's like Zany's in Nashville, they should have an hour podcast. 0.98

02:15:29.000 They release every week with the headliner.

02:15:31.000 How hard would that be?

02:15:32.000 You know?

02:15:33.000 Have a local guy host it. 1.00

02:15:35.000 Have them understand that the idea is to just shoot the shit with the... 0.99

02:15:38.000 You know, if you had a good local guy, you could do it. 0.99

02:15:40.000 And you'd do it under the name of the comedy club.

02:15:42.000 Or maybe even switch hosts out.

02:15:44.000 Like, maybe you have the middle guy in the headliner every week do a podcast together.

02:15:48.000 You would get a lot of people addicted, first of all, addicted to that podcast and excited about going to the club that week.

02:15:54.000 That weekend.

02:15:55.000 Yeah, I mean, how hard is that to do?

02:15:56.000 Makes sense.

02:15:57.000 You know who's been doing that for a while is Atlanta, haven't they?

02:16:00.000 Because I remember interviewing you a long time ago.

02:16:03.000 Jamie, yeah. 1.00

02:16:04.000 Fuck, yeah, that was... 1.00

02:16:05.000 Jesus, that was like when we first started doing podcasts. 1.00

02:16:10.000 Even longer than that, maybe.

02:16:11.000 Did he have a podcast before we did?

02:16:13.000 Yeah, I remember him interviewing you in the office.

02:16:17.000 And this was like when you threw me up on stage the first time back from my break, which was like...

02:16:25.000 I'm gonna say six years ago or so.

02:16:26.000 You're right.

02:16:27.000 It was probably before we even started ours.

02:16:29.000 Yeah.

02:16:30.000 Yeah, he had a good sense of it.

02:16:30.000 Yeah.

02:16:32.000 Well, that's a good club, too, that fosters local talent.

02:16:35.000 There's a lot of local guys that come out of Atlanta that they're actually moving the punchline.

02:16:39.000 You hear that?

02:16:40.000 They're losing their location.

02:16:41.000 Oh, no.

02:16:42.000 Yeah, they're moving to another spot.

02:16:43.000 They apparently always had an issue with parking there and apparently just got too much.

02:16:47.000 Atlanta opened up an improv.

02:16:48.000 In that green room.

02:16:49.000 An improv opened up in Atlanta.

02:16:49.000 Did they?

02:16:51.000 Brian Callum did it.

02:16:52.000 Oh, did he?

02:16:53.000 They have that Laughing Skull, too. 0.99

02:16:54.000 It's a great fucking spot. 0.99

02:16:56.000 Laughing Skull's a great spot. 1.00

02:16:58.000 Yeah.

02:16:58.000 And I'm gonna tell you something else about Wendy and her defense.

02:17:01.000 In 1994, Wendy hired two headliners to help the open micers develop.

02:17:07.000 Do you know that?

02:17:08.000 Hired them, like, to help them write their material?

02:17:10.000 Hired them, so you would meet at six at the Comedy Works, she'd buy, she'd cater it, get, like, tacos, and you sat around, and you wrote material with the headliner, and then you went and did the open mic, and the headliner graded you.

02:17:21.000 Wow.

02:17:22.000 A lot of clubs, 1994, Matt Woods was the guy who gave me the talk, who told me, get your life together, don't come back here, you're funny, but you're wasting your time.

02:17:31.000 Right.

02:17:31.000 That's how I got that.

02:17:32.000 She used to pay Matt Woods.

02:17:34.000 Wow.

02:17:35.000 And she paid a couple other guys, man. 0.97

02:17:37.000 So that's how much she had foresight.

02:17:40.000 Like, she really believes in developing.

02:17:42.000 They give you three minutes once a month at the Comedy Works.

02:17:47.000 That's what it used to be.

02:17:49.000 Then you had to work around town.

02:17:50.000 You had to do McKelvey's, Wits End, you had to do those open mics, you know?

02:17:54.000 But Wendy always did try to homegrown her own comics. 0.99

02:17:58.000 You know, all those holidays, she puts locals, you know?

02:18:01.000 Any time she could sneak locals in there, you know, her lineup is killers.

02:18:05.000 A lot of people used to bring their own people because they didn't like working there.

02:18:09.000 Because she'd have Rick Kearns, you know, Todd Jordan, Steve McGrew, and some guy had to come in and follow her.

02:18:14.000 It was hard for them.

02:18:15.000 Really?

02:18:16.000 So the guys would bring in their own acts because the local guys were too strong?

02:18:20.000 She always had help.

02:18:22.000 So it's like the Comedy Store.

02:18:24.000 So what if I call the Comedy Store and say, all right, I'm coming in for the weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

02:18:29.000 I'm working it, but there's no feature or emcee.

02:18:32.000 It's the Comedy Store lineup.

02:18:34.000 So I'll go in and it's you, Maren, and Sebastian, and I'm going up the headline.

02:18:38.000 I don't want to follow that mess.

02:18:41.000 That's work, Jack.

02:18:42.000 So a lot of people started bringing their own.

02:18:44.000 Wendy's very smart.

02:18:46.000 Wendy had a club in Tampa. 0.97

02:18:47.000 When the Comedy Forks first, when I first got involved with the Comedy Forks, they had Tampa and Fort Collins.

02:18:53.000 Really?

02:18:54.000 And Wendy used to send me up to Fort Collins.

02:18:55.000 Tampa, Florida?

02:18:56.000 Tampa, Florida.

02:18:57.000 And Fort Collins.

02:18:58.000 I used to go to Fort Collins.

02:18:59.000 When I first started, Wendy sent me to Fort Collins every Tuesday, every Monday or something, Wednesday.

02:19:03.000 They did an open mic.

02:19:05.000 Four comics did...

02:19:07.000 Five minutes, and then they started the regular show.

02:19:10.000 And then they closed Fort Collins, they closed Tampa, and they kept Denver, because Denver was her bread and butter.

02:19:17.000 Wasn't she gonna open in Chicago at one point in time, too?

02:19:19.000 Yes, yes.

02:19:20.000 But Wendy's very smart, man.

02:19:22.000 Wendy knows that you're not gonna do the job, nobody's gonna do the job you're doing unless they love comedy as much as you do.

02:19:28.000 Right.

02:19:29.000 Wendy's very hands-on.

02:19:31.000 Yeah, and get somebody to run your club. 0.68

02:19:33.000 That loves...

02:19:34.000 You know, you've been to a club.

02:19:36.000 When you walk in, you're like...

02:19:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:19:38.000 These people don't know what the fuck they're doing. 0.99

02:19:40.000 This guy was at an Olive Garden for eight years, pushing spaghetti. 0.99

02:19:44.000 Now he's doing comedy. 0.99

02:19:46.000 It doesn't fucking translate. 0.99

02:19:47.000 The Chicago Improv. 0.98

02:19:49.000 Remember the guy was watching us?

02:19:50.000 We couldn't smoke dope.

02:19:52.000 We couldn't bring people up on stage.

02:19:54.000 Remember we came out to...

02:19:56.000 We had some craziness going on once, and they were freaking out.

02:20:00.000 They were like, he's got people on stage with him.

02:20:02.000 Yeah, we can't have it.

02:20:03.000 Nobody in the green room.

02:20:04.000 We came out to Bob Marley, Exodus.

02:20:06.000 Oh, I don't know, we have this dentist music.

02:20:09.000 We're going to a con. 0.99

02:20:10.000 We're like, no, this is dumb. 1.00

02:20:12.000 Yeah, they were trying to do some goofy shit. 1.00

02:20:15.000 You know what's funny? 0.99

02:20:16.000 There's two things that happened.

02:20:18.000 There was, like, two shifts in bringing you guys on the road with me.

02:20:21.000 The first one was, like, people didn't want you guys because you were too dirty.

02:20:25.000 But the second one was, why are you bringing these guys?

02:20:27.000 They're too good.

02:20:28.000 There's, like, there was a shift somewhere, like, in the 2000s.

02:20:32.000 Where, you know, I tell people, you know, Joey Diaz comes on the road with me, like, they're like, you have Joey Diaz open for you on purpose? 0.99

02:20:37.000 Like, why the fuck would you do that?

02:20:39.000 But it's what you were talking about with this Denver thing, like, people don't want to follow people that are strong, like, funny acts, but doesn't that make it fun for everybody? 0.98

02:20:48.000 It makes it fun for everybody.

02:20:49.000 Why is that a bad thing?

02:20:52.000 It should be the opposite attitude.

02:20:56.000 If you've worked on your comedy, and your comedy is good, you should be excited that the whole show is really good.

02:21:01.000 And you just ride that wave.

02:21:03.000 Especially if you are friends with the guys who are on the show with you.

02:21:07.000 If you love them.

02:21:08.000 You want them to have fun.

02:21:09.000 You want everybody to laugh at them because you love them.

02:21:12.000 Like we did this show we just did in Vegas. 0.99

02:21:15.000 That fucking show was amazing. 0.99

02:21:16.000 That was a fun show. 1.00

02:21:17.000 It was Ari, Duncan, Joey, me. 0.98

02:21:20.000 And the Mirage, that fucking Terry Fedor showroom is so good. 0.98

02:21:25.000 They set it up for that ventriloquist dude. 0.99

02:21:28.000 So the voice has to be perfect.

02:21:30.000 You have to be able to hear his voice.

02:21:32.000 So the speaker system is amazing.

02:21:35.000 I was in the back of the room.

02:21:36.000 I could hear everything, like crystal clear.

02:21:39.000 When you were on stage, I was in the back of the room, not this time, but one of the other times we did it, you hear everything you say crystal clear.

02:21:44.000 It's perfect.

02:21:45.000 It's an amazing room. 0.93

02:21:46.000 But just to emphasize that, you know, a lot of comics listen to these shows, these podcasts, and they walked around like I did, fucking scared, you know?

02:21:56.000 And then one day I got it. 1.00

02:21:57.000 I'm like, fuck these bitches. 1.00

02:21:59.000 This is my motherfucking playing field. 1.00

02:22:01.000 And if they don't like it, they're gonna go down. 0.99

02:22:04.000 And my life changed.

02:22:05.000 My comedy changed.

02:22:06.000 My outlook changed.

02:22:08.000 You know, I let them scare me the same way I let people scare me about life, you know, when I was young. 1.00

02:22:12.000 And then went there and said, fuck you, motherfuckers. 1.00

02:22:15.000 And it's the same thing. 1.00

02:22:16.000 And I'm happy I did that with comedy.

02:22:18.000 I would have been running scared.

02:22:19.000 You know, there's club owners that'll come up to you and go, hey, next time there's a club owner that I worked for years ago that'll come up to you and go, hey, man, you should put something on that joke.

02:22:27.000 And then after you got off the second show, he's like, you didn't add my tag. 1.00

02:22:32.000 Bitch, I don't fucking know you. 1.00

02:22:34.000 Who said that to you? 1.00

02:22:35.000 There's some fucking jerkhole that's still around. 1.00

02:22:37.000 I don't want to, you know. 1.00

02:22:38.000 He would come up to me and say, oh, this tag would sound better. 0.99

02:22:42.000 Get the, you know, get the fuck out of my head. 0.81

02:22:44.000 Then on the way home, he'd tell me again, you got to really use my tag. 1.00

02:22:47.000 I'm told one day I said, Doug, when was the last time you were on fucking stage? 0.99

02:22:51.000 I'm not going to use your fucking tag. 1.00

02:22:53.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

02:22:54.000 Then after that, he would hire me and wouldn't talk to me the whole weekend. 1.00

02:22:57.000 Get the fuck out of my face, all right? 0.99

02:22:59.000 I don't fucking use your tag, guy. 0.99

02:23:01.000 You know, we work hard at what we do, but you gotta respect that. 0.98

02:23:04.000 It's like a plumber or an electrician coming to my house and me telling them how to fucking do his job. 0.99

02:23:09.000 What the fuck am I? You booked me, now you gonna tell me how the fuck to do it? 1.00

02:23:13.000 Get the fuck out of my face! 0.99

02:23:15.000 Well, a lot of them used to be comics. 0.99

02:23:16.000 There was a lot of guys who got involved in comedy.

02:23:18.000 Those are the worst!

02:23:18.000 Oh, those are the worst!

02:23:20.000 Those are the worst!

02:23:20.000 Barry Cass was a comic.

02:23:22.000 Did you know Barry Cass was a comic?

02:23:23.000 Early on?

02:23:24.000 Yeah, he was a comic. 1.00

02:23:25.000 But he became a good fucking manager. 0.99

02:23:27.000 You know, these guys... 1.00

02:23:28.000 How high are you right now?

02:23:30.000 These guys...

02:23:32.000 Well, the proof is in the pudding.

02:23:33.000 He had Dane, he had a lot of good people.

02:23:34.000 Had is a good word. 0.95

02:23:36.000 That's my point.

02:23:37.000 But still, he had them, and he developed them, and they did something while he had them.

02:23:41.000 There's people who are comedy club, who are comedians, that one day go, oh, wait a second.

02:23:47.000 I'm going to figure out how to make money on these jerk-offs.

02:23:49.000 Then they become comedy club owners.

02:23:51.000 There's a couple of them with local clubs around here that tell you what to say.

02:23:54.000 You can't work clean.

02:23:55.000 You can't work clean?

02:23:57.000 No, you can't work dirty.

02:23:58.000 Oh, you can't work dirty.

02:23:59.000 Then they don't want to pay you.

02:24:00.000 Oh, come do radio. 0.95

02:24:00.000 We're not going to give you a hotel. 0.95

02:24:02.000 What are you talking about?

02:24:04.000 You're a comic.

02:24:05.000 So when I work for a comic, I let them know right off the bat, listen, before this goes any further, you're a comic.

02:24:10.000 So I'm not going to have to tell you how to act correctly.

02:24:14.000 What's that mean?

02:24:15.000 That there's a TV in the green room, that everything's copacetic?

02:24:19.000 Because you're a comic.

02:24:21.000 And that's when I just don't.

02:24:23.000 Well, every time, any time...

02:24:24.000 I don't understand what you're saying.

02:24:26.000 There's a comic, there's a TV in the green room. 0.99

02:24:27.000 If you're a fucking comic, there better not be no misunderstandings, because you're a comic and you know the business. 0.99

02:24:32.000 Right. 1.00

02:24:33.000 You know how we act and you know how it works.

02:24:35.000 I don't want to hear no misunderstandings about checks or how the green room should be or there should be sodas in the green room. 1.00

02:24:40.000 You're a fucking comic. 1.00

02:24:42.000 If you're a comic and I go to your green room that's the size of a closet, you're not a fucking, you're a scumbag just trying to make money on fucking comics. 1.00

02:24:49.000 If a comic opens up a room, I want that room to be that much better because you're a comic. 0.99

02:24:55.000 If a comic opens a room.

02:24:57.000 Opens a room.

02:24:57.000 Well, how many comics open a room?

02:24:59.000 A lot of them.

02:25:00.000 Brad Garrett.

02:25:01.000 A lot of Vegas, you know. 1.00

02:25:02.000 Brad Garrett's club is supposed to be the shit, man. 1.00

02:25:04.000 Yeah, and Brad Garrett was the shit. 1.00

02:25:06.000 That's a big difference. 1.00

02:25:07.000 He wasn't a bad stand-up.

02:25:08.000 I'm talking about guys that were bad stand-ups.

02:25:11.000 And then one day go, I'm gonna become a stand-up. 0.99

02:25:13.000 Then they try to tell you shit when you get there. 0.99

02:25:15.000 You're like, do me a favor, bro. 0.99

02:25:17.000 This is not what you're doing.

02:25:18.000 You headline, 4th of July and Christmas.

02:25:20.000 Come back then.

02:25:21.000 Tonight, Uncle Joey's here. 1.00

02:25:22.000 Get the fuck out of my face. 1.00

02:25:24.000 If we were gonna buy a club, it would be the Ice House. 1.00

02:25:27.000 The Ice House would be the comfort club to buy.

02:25:29.000 Flappers?

02:25:30.000 Really?

02:25:30.000 Flappers is a beautiful club.

02:25:32.000 Well, it's hard to fucking get people to go to a club. 0.98

02:25:35.000 Think about everybody that goes to the store, everybody that goes to the improv. 0.99

02:25:39.000 There's only so many guys.

02:25:41.000 There's so many clubs that we can work out here.

02:25:43.000 When I was preparing for the last Comedy Central special, I was doing the Ha Ha on Tuesday nights.

02:25:48.000 I was doing the improv.

02:25:49.000 I was doing Irvine occasionally.

02:25:50.000 I was doing all these different clubs.

02:25:53.000 Ice house, hopping all over the place.

02:25:55.000 Like, there's a lot of clubs here.

02:25:58.000 This is like, as far as like a hotbed of places to work, this is one of the best spots in the country.

02:26:03.000 Have you been in the new ice house yet?

02:26:05.000 What are you talking about?

02:26:06.000 The new ice house?

02:26:07.000 I mean, new ha-ha.

02:26:09.000 There's a new ha-ha? 0.96

02:26:09.000 Oh, the one across the street? 0.96

02:26:11.000 Supposedly they just had a cold open on January 1st, and I heard it's beautiful.

02:26:16.000 Four months ago they were doing shows there.

02:26:18.000 No, they...

02:26:19.000 They had a show there, they just didn't have...

02:26:24.000 It wasn't quite a show.

02:26:25.000 It was like an invitation-only party that was not catered with alcohol.

02:26:28.000 Have you seen it?

02:26:29.000 I haven't seen it, but I heard it's like the Ice House.

02:26:31.000 I heard it's like the Ice House main room station.

02:26:33.000 It's bigger, though.

02:26:34.000 Yeah, it's like the Ice House only sits like 100-something.

02:26:37.000 This is like 200-something.

02:26:38.000 Yeah, but still small, you know?

02:26:40.000 Still, like, maybe a little bit bigger than the OR, you know, but not as big as the main room.

02:26:43.000 I did the main room the other night, and then I did the OR afterwards.

02:26:46.000 The OR is such a better room.

02:26:47.000 It's such a better room.

02:26:48.000 OR. It's the best.

02:26:49.000 It's such a better room.

02:26:50.000 That's the way you're supposed to do comedy.

02:26:51.000 Jammed in there, stacked on top of each other, low ceiling. 1.00

02:26:54.000 It's the most fun.

02:26:55.000 And the closest thing to the OR is the San Francisco punchline. 1.00

02:26:58.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:26:59.000 Closest thing to the OR. They just tried to offer me to do the cobs again. 1.00

02:27:03.000 I said, no, even Ari.

02:27:04.000 No, no, no.

02:27:05.000 Cubs is a great club, but the punchline is so intimate, I don't care about the money.

02:27:10.000 I just want to have a great time. 1.00

02:27:12.000 I don't fucking give a fuck. 1.00

02:27:13.000 Just let me go up there and go crazy. 1.00

02:27:14.000 What do I give a fuck about? 0.99

02:27:15.000 Yeah, it's worth paying or getting paid less to do that club. 0.99

02:27:19.000 Yeah, there's just some rooms to that.

02:27:21.000 If I opened up a club, I think they're opening up a club with too many moving parts now.

02:27:25.000 I think they're getting ahead of themselves. 1.00

02:27:26.000 And it's like I always say, you put all these smart guys together and they do the dumbest thing in the fucking world. 0.99

02:27:31.000 You know, I still love this. 0.99

02:27:33.000 That's what I do.

02:27:34.000 I want to do comedy right there in front of that wall.

02:27:36.000 If there's anything else on there, you're wasting my time.

02:27:40.000 You want to serve food?

02:27:41.000 Go serve it on your own time. 1.00

02:27:43.000 Just give these motherfuckers stiff fucking drinks. 1.00

02:27:46.000 Stiff drinks. 1.00

02:27:47.000 Let them get fucked up and sit there. 1.00

02:27:50.000 Okay? 1.00

02:27:51.000 You know, really?

02:27:52.000 How about 600 seats?

02:27:54.000 When do you get 600 people in here?

02:27:56.000 Really?

02:27:56.000 Kevin Hart's gonna play here?

02:27:57.000 Not in your fucking dreams, you dumb fuck. 1.00

02:28:00.000 Well, they wind up papering a lot of the room. 1.00

02:28:01.000 Yeah, and it's a waste. 0.94

02:28:03.000 You need 250, 200, two and a quarter for a great room, brick, a tremendous sound system, sell hot dogs next door or do something special, but after the show, so you don't have to fuck with the waitstaff, and let them go in there and sling drinks, bro. 0.65

02:28:17.000 Two shows, you know, and get the...

02:28:19.000 That's what I would do as a comic.

02:28:20.000 The green one would be paradise.

02:28:22.000 You know, there's things that you do.

02:28:24.000 These people now are opening up clubs thinking that 600 people are gonna show up.

02:28:29.000 You know, last night I saw something interesting. 0.99

02:28:30.000 Again, I was in the room last night, and I came out, my wife was watching the fucking Emmys, whatever the fuck was on last night. 1.00

02:28:49.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:28:55.000 After the Tim Allen rush, okay?

02:28:58.000 After the Tim Allen and Roseanne rush, something happened.

02:29:00.000 The network said, we gotta get a bunch of comics.

02:29:02.000 That's it.

02:29:02.000 That's the idea.

02:29:03.000 So they gave Greg Gerardo a show.

02:29:05.000 They gave Tom Rhodes a show on NBC. Brett Butler.

02:29:08.000 Brett Butler a show on ABC. And they gave that poor Margaret Cho. 0.98

02:29:11.000 And then they insulted her.

02:29:12.000 They told her not to be chinky. 1.00

02:29:14.000 They were saying all this shit to her. 1.00

02:29:16.000 You know, be more Chinese. 1.00

02:29:18.000 They just insulted her insides.

02:29:19.000 Then they canceled everybody.

02:29:21.000 And you know what? 1.00

02:29:23.000 Half of these fucking punks today would fucking crawl under the tree. 1.00

02:29:27.000 I'm looking at Margaret Cho last time going, I bet Margaret Cho's happy that she didn't fucking quit or bail out or got hooked on drugs. 1.00

02:29:33.000 Margaret Cho said, fuck you motherfuckers. 1.00

02:29:36.000 I'm just gonna get stronger as a comic. 1.00

02:29:38.000 She built up a huge following on the road.

02:29:40.000 Whether they're gay or not, they spend And she sells out. 1.00

02:29:45.000 That bitch is tatted from her head to her fucking toe with fuck you in Korean letters to all these fucking Gentiles. 1.00

02:29:52.000 And 20 years later, that chick was killing it last night on stage with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, the two hottest comedy chicks in the fucking world. 1.00

02:30:00.000 How you like me now, bitch? 1.00

02:30:02.000 What'd they put that fucking chick through 20 years ago? 1.00

02:30:05.000 They embarrassed her. 1.00

02:30:06.000 They made her feel like shit. 1.00

02:30:07.000 They told her to lose weight. 1.00

02:30:09.000 Do you remember the shit that she came out with years later and they told her she was never gonna work again? 0.99

02:30:14.000 You're doomed for going against the network. 0.99

02:30:16.000 How'd she go against the network?

02:30:17.000 She told them what they were telling her.

02:30:19.000 They'd lose weight. 0.98

02:30:20.000 There's no fat Asians. 1.00

02:30:22.000 Oh my God! 1.00

02:30:23.000 The shit they were saying to Margaret Cho that she came out and said later. 1.00

02:30:27.000 Last night, if I was Margaret Cho, I would have took this Cuban disgusting dick out with that fucking foreskin on it and said, here you go, America. 1.00

02:30:36.000 Yum-yums for a week. 1.00

02:30:38.000 This ain't a fucking malfunction of a wardrobe. 0.99

02:30:40.000 This is just to tell you that you can't stop comedians, bro. 0.98

02:30:43.000 We just get better. 1.00

02:30:45.000 Don't you know that, you dumb motherfucking club owners and you TV dumb fucking cunts? 1.00

02:30:51.000 We just get... 1.00

02:30:52.000 While you're giggling and onto your next mindfuck, we're taking that joke and breaking it down and getting on stage and getting better. 1.00

02:30:59.000 These fucking people, David Tell, nobody goes to see David Tell. 0.99

02:31:02.000 He's funniest as he's ever been. 1.00

02:31:04.000 Because that's all we do, unless we're fucking cunts and go away. 0.99

02:31:08.000 But we don't go away. 1.00

02:31:09.000 We don't go away. 1.00

02:31:10.000 We're worse than fucking roaches. 1.00

02:31:12.000 You know how proud I was last night for Margaret Cho? 1.00

02:31:15.000 Do you have any fucking idea dressed up there with a hat on and white fucking thing on her face, dog? 1.00

02:31:20.000 That 20 years later, she probably thought she was done. 1.00

02:31:23.000 What do you think when they cancel your show after three seasons? 0.99

02:31:26.000 What the fuck do you think? 0.99

02:31:27.000 You're done. 1.00

02:31:30.000 I didn't quit.

02:31:31.000 And that's what these comedy club owners, and that's what all these guys that have an opinion on comics always remember. 1.00

02:31:36.000 You fucking go away, you worthless fucking faggots. 1.00

02:31:39.000 You go away. 1.00

02:31:41.000 You go away.

02:31:42.000 We keep going. 1.00

02:31:43.000 How long did Burns do comedy with to with a fucking cigar in his mouth? 1.00

02:31:47.000 These motherfuckers don't know nothing about nothing. 1.00

02:31:51.000 They don't know nothing about nothing. 1.00

02:31:53.000 That's why now every morning I wake up and I go, somebody's sucking my dick today. 0.99

02:31:57.000 Someone, one of these TV guys is gonna hear my name. 1.00

02:31:59.000 Last week they had to drive by the Melrose Improv and see my name there all week and go, that fucking coke, that fat motherfucker did it. 1.00

02:32:07.000 I didn't do anything. 1.00

02:32:08.000 I just stayed here.

02:32:09.000 Well, you kept working.

02:32:10.000 I kept working.

02:32:11.000 I didn't give up.

02:32:12.000 But everybody doesn't keep working, right?

02:32:13.000 Some people get tired. 0.99

02:32:14.000 I never gave a fuck about none of those cunts with their threats that you're not gonna... 1.00

02:32:18.000 I don't give a fuck, dog. 1.00

02:32:20.000 I'm gonna get stronger. 1.00

02:32:21.000 Once I got off the blow, now they really gotta suck my asshole. 1.00

02:32:25.000 Now it's two live crew. 1.00

02:32:27.000 Now they gotta suck my dick in your asshole, too. 1.00

02:32:30.000 Right? 1.00

02:32:32.000 Blow your nose. 0.98

02:32:33.000 Blow your nose, you're killing me. 0.72

02:32:35.000 The crackling. 0.97

02:32:36.000 I don't know how you can breathe like that.

02:32:39.000 It reminds me of your old nose, or before you had your operation.

02:32:39.000 I know.

02:32:42.000 My old nose?

02:32:42.000 Really?

02:32:43.000 Yeah.

02:32:45.000 Before it was carved out.

02:32:46.000 I was very nasally.

02:32:47.000 Just throw it on the ground there.

02:32:48.000 No, there's a garbage can. 0.98

02:32:52.000 Yeah, my old nose was useless. 0.99

02:32:56.000 Joey, maybe you should get your nose carved out. 0.96

02:32:58.000 Have you had it?

02:32:59.000 Does your septum work?

02:33:01.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:33:01.000 I don't know what the fuck. 1.00

02:33:02.000 Can you usually breathe out of your nose? 0.99

02:33:04.000 Once I get out, I gotta bring spray with me to jiu-jitsu.

02:33:07.000 You gotta bring what?

02:33:08.000 Spray with the jiu-jitsu.

02:33:09.000 Really?

02:33:10.000 Always?

02:33:10.000 Since I go into a closed guard, I gotta tap out and go spray my nose.

02:33:14.000 Really?

02:33:15.000 Something about leverage with me or something.

02:33:17.000 Then once I clean it out, it's good.

02:33:19.000 Ever since I had an ear infection a couple years ago, I went swimming, I had an ear infection, then I went in and I flew. 0.99

02:33:27.000 And I got fucked up and I went to the doctor and he stuck a fucking probe in my nose. 0.99

02:33:31.000 My nose has been all fucked up. 1.00

02:33:33.000 And they sent me their sprays, but their sprays suck. 1.00

02:33:35.000 I live on fucking Afrin. 1.00

02:33:37.000 You get addicted to that stuff, too. 1.00

02:33:39.000 The real issue with those sprays is the inside of your nose gets addicted to that spray and won't open up unless you have it.

02:33:46.000 It's very common.

02:33:48.000 People get... 1.00

02:33:49.000 And when your body's responding and wants that shit, it swells up. 1.00

02:33:53.000 It makes it worse. 1.00

02:33:54.000 It's terrible.

02:33:55.000 Does your nose ever rage?

02:33:56.000 Rage out?

02:33:57.000 What's that, man?

02:33:58.000 Rage against the dying of the light. 0.99

02:34:00.000 Oh, it's not that kind of steroid, silly. 0.98

02:34:02.000 Well, they gave me... 0.91

02:34:03.000 I have steroids at the house, and I'm supposed to spray two times in there.

02:34:07.000 Addicted to nose spray.

02:34:08.000 It's a shame.

02:34:10.000 What?

02:34:10.000 I'm writing addicted to nose spray here, and yeah, nasal spray addiction, is it real?

02:34:14.000 Mayo Clinic.

02:34:15.000 Does cocaine clean it right out, though?

02:34:15.000 Yep.

02:34:18.000 Like, if you do a bump, will that, we'd be able to breathe immediately?

02:34:21.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

02:34:22.000 Cocaine's the best fucking nose. 0.99

02:34:23.000 The spray they gave me now, the doctor gave me the prescription, if I hit my nose two times, for like five minutes, I go into confusion. 0.99

02:34:33.000 Because it feels like that.

02:34:35.000 It has that thing to it.

02:34:37.000 What they're saying is it's not a true addiction because a true addiction, what happens is like you get sick if you don't have it.

02:34:46.000 True addiction is a compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance known to be physically, psychologically, or socially harmful.

02:34:56.000 What the nasal spray happens is you put that stuff in and after a few days of using it, your nose may become less responsive to the effects of the medication.

02:35:04.000 As a result, you need to use more and more of the medication to control congestion or your congestion may worsen if you stop using the medication.

02:35:11.000 That happens to people.

02:35:13.000 Apparently that happens to people with Xanax too.

02:35:15.000 They say there's some sort of a rubber band effect of Xanax.

02:35:19.000 Xanax calms your anxiety, but when you start getting off of it, your anxiety heightens and worsens to a place where it probably wouldn't even be if you weren't on it in the first place.

02:35:30.000 I think that's what happens with these sprays, too.

02:35:33.000 They get you coming and going, Joey Diaz. 0.99

02:35:35.000 They get you coming and going, these fucks. 1.00

02:35:38.000 Spraying shit up your nose. 1.00

02:35:40.000 If you get your nose carved out, though, you know, if you ever want to go and do it, my guy retired. 1.00

02:35:44.000 My guy, Feinberg and Encino, he was the best. 0.87

02:35:48.000 He had, like, he was so fucking, he was so patient and meticulous when you would talk to him and take notes with him. 0.96

02:35:55.000 But he would talk about what people did wrong and what people did right and here's the common errors and here's where they fuck up. 0.99

02:36:01.000 He had been doing it for fucking years. 0.97

02:36:03.000 He was like in his 60s when he did my operation. 0.99

02:36:06.000 But he made my nose whiter.

02:36:08.000 Like if I look at photos of my nose before the operation and after, my nose was all sucked.

02:36:12.000 I just didn't talk as well.

02:36:15.000 I couldn't breathe out of my nose very well.

02:36:17.000 My voice sounded different. 0.99

02:36:18.000 And he stuck these fucking plastic things in there and cut everything out, cut the turbinates out, removed chunks of meat. 0.99

02:36:27.000 I took photos of it. 0.99

02:36:30.000 I've got a video of me blowing my nose with the water pick.

02:36:33.000 I had photos of the boogers that I would blow out, these bloody, giant hunks. 1.00

02:36:38.000 They were thumbs.

02:36:40.000 I showed it to Tom Segura once in the airport.

02:36:42.000 He almost threw up.

02:36:43.000 I go, look at that, dude.

02:36:44.000 It just came out of my nose.

02:36:46.000 Like, you ran away.

02:36:47.000 But that guy cleaned my nose out.

02:36:49.000 I have two Holland Tunnels, man.

02:36:51.000 Before that, how was your jiu-jitsu breathing?

02:36:51.000 I'm just like...

02:36:53.000 Terrible.

02:36:54.000 My cardio got 20% better.

02:36:56.000 That's what Dave had jiu-jitsu.

02:36:57.000 Regan's guy goes, I think with you, it's a deviated symptom, my friend.

02:37:02.000 Oh, I guarantee you that's an issue.

02:37:04.000 He goes, I guarantee you'll lose weight because more air goes in there.

02:37:07.000 Well, that's what Vandele Silva, when Vandele Silva had his nose fixed, he had all that facial surgery, they took a piece out of his rib and reconstructed his nose and made his nose bigger.

02:37:15.000 Like, if you look at Vandele's nose, it's way bigger than it was before, because he had a big chunk in there to open up his nose.

02:37:22.000 Like, Vandele ain't trying to look better. 0.99

02:37:23.000 He's trying to fuck you up. 0.99

02:37:25.000 When he got his nose fixed, it wasn't good. 1.00

02:37:27.000 He wanted to look cute, but his nose was completely smashed in and flattened.

02:37:31.000 It was like no cartilage at all.

02:37:33.000 It was just smashed and flattened.

02:37:35.000 And if you look at what his face looked like when he started fighting in the late 90s, as opposed to what he looked like in the early 2000s, his nose was just a pancake.

02:37:45.000 And so he had it fixed And stuck way the fuck out.

02:37:50.000 Like, way bigger than it was before. 1.00

02:37:51.000 And all just so he could breathe better and smash your fucking face. 1.00

02:37:54.000 How funny is Van de Lee Silva? 1.00

02:37:56.000 It's funny as shit, man. 0.99

02:37:57.000 Let me tell you something. 0.99

02:37:58.000 Right now, they should just call Van de Lee on Van de Lee.

02:38:01.000 Truce.

02:38:02.000 Just truce.

02:38:02.000 What, the UFC? You can't.

02:38:04.000 It's the Nevada State Athletic Commission.

02:38:06.000 What we're gonna do is this.

02:38:07.000 We don't want you to come back.

02:38:08.000 During UFC tonight, we're gonna tape you every week just doing this segment.

02:38:13.000 That's it, because now...

02:38:14.000 Just talk about stuff?

02:38:15.000 Because now he has a remark for everything that happens.

02:38:19.000 So he stuck up for Jon Jones last week.

02:38:21.000 Right.

02:38:22.000 You know, he stuck stuff for everybody, and it's always at the end.

02:38:24.000 Dana's at the end of a punching bag or the UFC, you know what I'm saying?

02:38:28.000 You know, like, Dana, what do you think of Jon Jones?

02:38:28.000 Right.

02:38:30.000 Like, they just go to Van Lee, he's like shooting Decker. 1.00

02:38:35.000 Some guy's rubbing his back and shit. 0.99

02:38:37.000 And some lady's shooting him in the arm. 1.00

02:38:38.000 And they're like, Vandley, what do you think of Jon Jones?

02:38:40.000 Hey, I give him my heart.

02:38:43.000 He had a problem.

02:38:44.000 It's the UFC! And that's it, because it always ends with the UFC. The UFC did it.

02:38:49.000 Nobody else did it, Vandley.

02:38:50.000 Very good.

02:38:52.000 Good train.

02:38:53.000 Good hard train.

02:38:54.000 Very, very...

02:38:55.000 Dana White, thank you for Dana White.

02:38:57.000 Thank you for help.

02:38:58.000 Thank you for UFC. Yeah, that guy, he fucked up, man. 0.99

02:39:02.000 You can't run from a drug test. 1.00

02:39:04.000 And then he ran from a drug test and then was talking about how the UFC doesn't pay its athletes and all this.

02:39:09.000 And then the UFC, okay, you made $9.7 million fighting for us.

02:39:13.000 Here's your record.

02:39:14.000 The UFC put his record out.

02:39:15.000 Like, here's your record.

02:39:16.000 Here's how much money we paid you.

02:39:18.000 You made $9.7 million.

02:39:19.000 I don't know what you think a lot of money is, but a lot of people think $9 million is a lot of money.

02:39:25.000 Two years or something, right?

02:39:26.000 Well, several years.

02:39:27.000 Probably five years he was fighting.

02:39:29.000 But the point is, he didn't...

02:39:31.000 Five years, he only fought six times.

02:39:33.000 That was the other thing.

02:39:34.000 Like, you're saying, we work you so hard?

02:39:36.000 You're fighting once a year, essentially.

02:39:38.000 But not only that, on top of that...

02:39:40.000 Like, Vanderlei didn't have a winning record.

02:39:42.000 Like, Vanderlei got beat by Chris Lieben.

02:39:44.000 Vanderlei got beat by Rampage Jackson knocked him out.

02:39:47.000 Like, he got beat by a lot of guys.

02:39:50.000 He's a great fighter and a fan favorite, and personally, like, my all-time favorite guy to watch, I think.

02:39:56.000 I think if I go back to, like, the Pride days, I love the Pride days for two guys especially.

02:40:00.000 Well, three.

02:40:02.000 Minotauro in his prime, four.

02:40:04.000 Cro-Cop in his prime, Fedor, for sure. 1.00

02:40:07.000 Fedor was the motherfucker. 1.00

02:40:09.000 But Vanderlei was a destroyer. 1.00

02:40:11.000 He was a destroyer. 0.97

02:40:14.000 He was so aggressive and psychotic and... 1.00

02:40:16.000 You would watch a Vanderlei fight, you always knew you were going to see some fucking crazy shit. 1.00

02:40:22.000 That's when they had stomps and soccer kicks, and he's stomping dudes in the head, holding onto the rope, stomping Tamora in the face when he's down. 0.99

02:40:30.000 I mean, Vanderlei was amazing, man.

02:40:32.000 His fights were awesome to watch.

02:40:35.000 But you, you know, that hard, hard career and then comes over to the UFC and now he's got, like, really strict drug testing and all this other shit. 0.99

02:40:43.000 And so when he took off from that drug test, man, I mean, that was just a colossal fuck-up. 0.97

02:40:48.000 You're better off testing positive.

02:40:50.000 If you test positive, they ban you for nine months.

02:40:54.000 That's it.

02:40:54.000 They fine you.

02:40:56.000 They ban you for nine months.

02:40:57.000 They tell you you can't fight that guy and, you know, you have to go through a suspension.

02:41:00.000 But when you take off...

02:41:02.000 They had to send a message.

02:41:03.000 They're like, this is for life.

02:41:05.000 You can never fight again.

02:41:07.000 I personally think that's too much, but the fear of it and the fact that he's going to be out for who knows how many years while he fights it, and if he wins, a lot of people think he will win in court.

02:41:17.000 The Nevada State Athletic Commission doesn't have the jurisdiction to test him against his will in between contests because he wasn't licensed for them.

02:41:29.000 We're good to go.

02:41:35.000 We're good to go.

02:41:47.000 We're good to go.

02:41:49.000 We're good to go.

02:41:50.000 We're good to go.

02:41:52.000 And if you fail, well, you have to be punished.

02:41:55.000 It's that simple.

02:41:56.000 Otherwise, you're not playing by the rules.

02:41:58.000 If you're not playing by the rules, you can't fight for us.

02:42:00.000 You can't just run away.

02:42:02.000 I don't agree with the suspension.

02:42:04.000 I think a lifetime suspension is ridiculous, especially since...

02:42:08.000 Look, Vanderlei's not gonna become a composer.

02:42:11.000 I mean, you're taking away the guy's livelihood.

02:42:13.000 I mean, he can teach and he can train guys, I guess, but Vanderlei still has fight in him.

02:42:19.000 He had some good fights lined up.

02:42:19.000 He still wants to fight.

02:42:21.000 That Chael Sonnen fight would have made him a fuckload of money.

02:42:24.000 That Chael Sonnen fight, I don't know what they were gonna pay him for that, but how much that fight would be worth, especially if he could beat Chael Sonnen and do it in Brazil.

02:42:32.000 That would be gigantic.

02:42:44.000 We're good to go.

02:42:53.000 We're good to go.

02:42:55.000 We're good to go.

02:42:56.000 Are we seeing what's going to happen on the show?

02:42:58.000 And you're making us look like thug. 1.00

02:42:59.000 You're starting a fight in the middle of a fucking television broadcast. 1.00

02:43:04.000 Talk all the shit you want, but be there when the actual fight goes down. 1.00

02:43:07.000 So both the guys tested positive for shit. 1.00

02:43:10.000 It wasn't just, I mean, Vanderlei might not have tested positive, but essentially did. 1.00

02:43:14.000 And Shale Sonnen, he was positive for everything.

02:43:17.000 Everything that existed.

02:43:19.000 Everything other than testosterone he was on.

02:43:20.000 He was on all these different testosterone boosters and EPO. It's the Lance Armstrong shit that make more oxygen in your blood. 1.00

02:43:28.000 You know, they have to clean up the sport. 0.99

02:43:30.000 It's unfortunate that Vanderlei has to go out like that because the guy was, you know...

02:43:33.000 So he can't fight even in Atlantic City, like, in the backyard?

02:43:37.000 Nowhere.

02:43:37.000 He can't fight anywhere.

02:43:38.000 Not only can he not fight anywhere, Bellator was going to hire him to do promotional shit for them.

02:43:44.000 And the UFC's like, you're under contract with us. 0.73

02:43:47.000 Like, not only can you not work...

02:43:49.000 We won't let you work for us fighting, but we won't let you work for the competition in any sort of a promotional way. 0.99

02:43:57.000 But that was also because Vanderlei talked a lot of shit. 0.99

02:44:00.000 He was talking a lot of shit about the UFC. Who the fuck knows, man? 1.00

02:44:06.000 I hope he... 1.00

02:44:06.000 It's sad. 1.00

02:44:07.000 I hope it all gets cleared up.

02:44:08.000 I mean, I think the guy should've got suspended for a while, but I don't know what the number is.

02:44:12.000 I ran from a drug test once.

02:44:14.000 Did you?

02:44:14.000 The feds came right to my house.

02:44:16.000 I wouldn't open the fucking door. 0.99

02:44:17.000 I wasn't even hot. 1.00

02:44:18.000 I was high. 1.00

02:44:20.000 Fuck being hot. 1.00

02:44:21.000 Fuck last night or two nights ago. 1.00

02:44:22.000 I was fucking high. 1.00

02:44:24.000 On weed or on coke? 1.00

02:44:25.000 Everything.

02:44:27.000 I sent my wife somewhere. 0.99

02:44:29.000 Where the fuck did I go? 0.99

02:44:30.000 My friends came out. 1.00

02:44:31.000 I was on probation.

02:44:33.000 And I did something. 0.97

02:44:34.000 I told my wife, me and my buddies were going to Aspen, so she left that afternoon to her parents or something with the baby, and I fucking stayed at the house. 0.99

02:44:42.000 Blasting. 0.97

02:44:43.000 And they called me, they go, when are you leaving? 0.99

02:44:45.000 I go, I'm already at the fucking, you know, I'm going, right now the car's coming, we're leaving. 0.96

02:44:49.000 And they go, okay, we thought you said 5 o'clock. 0.98

02:44:52.000 No, no, no, 1 o'clock.

02:44:53.000 I gotta go.

02:44:53.000 I'm leaving right now.

02:44:54.000 And I hung up. 1.00

02:44:55.000 About 10 minutes later, the guy knocked on the fucking door. 0.99

02:44:57.000 We were talking in the kitchen. 0.99

02:44:59.000 We had to hide.

02:45:00.000 I had to go upstairs.

02:45:01.000 They kept knocking.

02:45:02.000 I think I could hear somebody in there.

02:45:05.000 I can't hear nothing.

02:45:06.000 Are they allowed to...

02:45:07.000 They're not allowed to break in.

02:45:09.000 They can't break in for a drug test.

02:45:10.000 They just come to your house.

02:45:12.000 But if he would have knocked and I said, I'm not giving him a drug test, he would have came back with a sheriff.

02:45:17.000 Oh, right, right, right.

02:45:18.000 They call the sheriff. 1.00

02:45:22.000 I would open the fucking door, Doug. 1.00

02:45:25.000 You know what's the most fucked up is drug tests for companies where they test you for weed and you're not even like, it's not even like while you're on the job. 1.00

02:45:33.000 Like UPS, something along those lines. 0.98

02:45:36.000 Like they'll test you to make sure you're not doing drugs while you work for them.

02:45:40.000 As if someone can tell you what to do with your time.

02:45:43.000 Like when you leave.

02:45:45.000 You could start drinking Monday at 5 o'clock.

02:45:48.000 You could ask everybody at work, hey, you guys want to go do drugs?

02:45:51.000 Let's go down to the bar and do liquid drugs.

02:45:54.000 And everybody's like, yeah, we're going to go meet Joey for a couple of liquid drugs.

02:45:58.000 And everybody's fine with that because it's all alcohol.

02:46:01.000 It's all legal.

02:46:02.000 But if you said, hey, you guys want to smoke some joints after this is over? 1.00

02:46:06.000 Everybody would be like, what the fuck? 1.00

02:46:07.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

02:46:08.000 You're gonna get fired from UPS. They're gonna drug test you. 1.00

02:46:10.000 You're fucked. 1.00

02:46:11.000 And they will. 1.00

02:46:12.000 They could.

02:46:13.000 They could hit you with a random drug test.

02:46:15.000 And they could fire you. 1.00

02:46:16.000 And you could get drunk as fuck from 5 p.m. 1.00

02:46:20.000 to 10 p.m. 1.00

02:46:22.000 Sunday night, crash, wake up, head pounding, driving to work, hungover as fuck, drinking Pedialyte and Gatorade and water, and you're fine. 0.98

02:46:32.000 Nobody can say a word. 0.99

02:46:33.000 They'll drug test you, you'll pass a flying collar.

02:46:35.000 As long as you're not actively drunk on the job, you're fine. 1.00

02:46:39.000 That's some goofy shit. 1.00

02:46:41.000 A kid hit me up from Boulder. 1.00

02:46:43.000 He went to get a job at Fisher Hunter. 1.00

02:46:45.000 They take your fucking hair now, Jack. 1.00

02:46:47.000 God of the piss. 1.00

02:46:48.000 Take your hair! 1.00

02:46:50.000 That should be illegal!

02:46:52.000 That's an invasion of privacy.

02:46:54.000 Vegas, too.

02:46:54.000 At those casinos?

02:46:55.000 Hair.

02:46:56.000 Come on.

02:46:57.000 Give us the hair.

02:46:57.000 So you can't smoke weed?

02:46:59.000 Can't do nothing, dawg.

02:47:00.000 What if you have a medical prescription? 0.99

02:47:02.000 There's a lot of places that don't even give a fuck. 0.99

02:47:04.000 Ask Nick Diaz. 1.00

02:47:05.000 Ask Nick Diaz if they give a fuck about a medical prescription. 0.99

02:47:08.000 They don't give a fuck about nothing. 0.99

02:47:09.000 I was thinking the same thing. 0.99

02:47:11.000 I was thinking about, let's say a guy that's in a California prison.

02:47:16.000 Not getting the right medication for whatever his thing is.

02:47:19.000 Eventually that's going to happen.

02:47:21.000 Some guy in prison is going to raise his hand and get an attorney.

02:47:25.000 I don't know what he's going to win, but you lose your rights when you're a felon.

02:47:29.000 You lose your rights to what?

02:47:31.000 You lose your rights.

02:47:32.000 But I don't think you lose your rights to proper medical attention.

02:47:36.000 So if you get diagnosed with ADHD or something like that, the doctor says cannabis is the best medication.

02:47:42.000 What do you think?

02:47:42.000 And it's a state law.

02:47:43.000 It's a state law.

02:47:45.000 This is federal.

02:47:45.000 The federal law is the real issue.

02:47:53.000 We're almost out of time, so I've got to ask you about this because this just came out.

02:47:56.000 The whole Jon Jones thing, you know, knowing your past and your past experiences with coke, what did you think about that when it all went down?

02:48:06.000 I had heard rumors.

02:48:07.000 I'm not going to lie to you.

02:48:08.000 I just didn't say nothing to you because I didn't want you, you know, drilling me.

02:48:12.000 That night we were in Vegas and we ate the mushrooms and we came back and John Jones was at the dinner table.

02:48:17.000 I told Dara when John Jones got up, there's rumors he's doing blow from here in L.A. Two people told me.

02:48:26.000 And you know me, I don't care.

02:48:28.000 I never repeated it.

02:48:29.000 I'm not that type of person.

02:48:30.000 I just...

02:48:32.000 But it didn't surprise me.

02:48:33.000 I'm not mad enough.

02:48:35.000 It breaks my heart.

02:48:37.000 People are sitting there that don't do blow and are wondering how can a champion risk his family and everything.

02:48:43.000 Cocaine has no nothing.

02:48:45.000 I had a baby inside the room with my wife in there. 1.00

02:48:48.000 I'm on federal probation and I'm snorting blow outside.

02:48:51.000 I'm hiding the beers in the snow.

02:48:53.000 I would let the dog out.

02:48:54.000 That's what I would do.

02:49:07.000 That's hilarious.

02:49:13.000 Knowing they were going to throw me in jail if I piss tested.

02:49:16.000 Knowing I would drink vinegar.

02:49:17.000 I told this story out here before. 0.98

02:49:19.000 What I went through that year in the halfway house drinking vinegar and putting pool cleaner on my dick and, you know, cranberry juice and vinegar and Gatorade and just letting it go. 0.95

02:49:29.000 When you're addicted like that, nothing means anything. 0.81

02:49:33.000 Here's a question.

02:49:34.000 Here's a question.

02:49:35.000 Is it possible that a guy could just enjoy a little coke every now and then?

02:49:38.000 Yeah.

02:49:39.000 You say yes.

02:49:41.000 But you don't have an addiction thing.

02:49:43.000 You've done coke before.

02:49:44.000 You've never been addicted.

02:49:45.000 But he's found himself in dark places.

02:49:46.000 If not, he'd do it every night.

02:49:48.000 He knows how scary it is.

02:49:49.000 If not, he'd do it every night.

02:49:51.000 Yeah, I can see where for certain people...

02:49:53.000 Once you get scared with it?

02:49:54.000 Yeah.

02:49:55.000 That you respect it.

02:49:56.000 But don't you get scared with alcohol, too? 0.99

02:49:58.000 Like, if you get really drunk and fucked up, I've been really drunk and fucked up before, but I was like, wow, you could die from this, you know? 0.99

02:50:04.000 I've thrown up in garbage cans. 0.98

02:50:06.000 I mean, I've been hammered before, where I think, I wonder, like, isn't that just as destructive as cocaine?

02:50:13.000 No, because you're not spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars every night on alcohol, usually.

02:50:18.000 You know, if you usually drink a bottle of Jack and you puke, where cocaine, you could be up till 10 in the morning still buying it.

02:50:25.000 You know, from the night before.

02:50:26.000 Oh, because you keep going.

02:50:27.000 You keep on going.

02:50:28.000 Because it's energy.

02:50:29.000 It's pretty much just like, hey, I'm awake.

02:50:31.000 I feel great. 0.99

02:50:32.000 I want to get shit done. 0.99

02:50:33.000 So that's the issue, is that you keep going. 0.99

02:50:33.000 I want to... 0.99

02:50:35.000 Yeah.

02:50:36.000 So, like, a guy like Jon Jones, who has a lot of money, like, the money's not an issue for him, but the keeping going is an issue. 0.99

02:50:42.000 Keeping going and bitches, man, because bitches love cooking. 1.00

02:50:46.000 Where was he going? 0.99

02:50:48.000 I feel very bad for Greg Jackson in this camp because somebody had a note out there. 0.99

02:50:53.000 Yeah, well, people probably knew, you know, but they also knew he's the baddest motherfucker in fighting right now. 0.99

02:50:59.000 Nobody just goes, buys a package and does it by themselves. 0.99

02:51:02.000 He's got to be doing it with somebody.

02:51:04.000 My heart goes out to him.

02:51:06.000 But do you think he could be fine with it?

02:51:07.000 I mean, Brian, do you think he could be fine with it?

02:51:09.000 Do you think that if you're a disciplined guy, you know, because you haven't had the problem that maybe Joey's had, you know, you've never been, like, full-on addicted, like, for long periods of time.

02:51:19.000 So do you think that a guy like him, who's an athlete, who's a strong-minded dude, is very disciplined?

02:51:19.000 No, no.

02:51:24.000 I mean, Jon Jones, when he's training, like, when he trained for this fight, for Daniel Cormier, he was fucking disciplined. 1.00

02:51:29.000 The word on the street, the word from Albuquerque was, this fucking guy is training hard, twice a day, doing everything he can to beat this motherfucker. 0.99

02:51:36.000 Well, he got popped December 4th, so obviously he wasn't training that hard. 1.00

02:51:39.000 He got popped four weeks before the fight.

02:51:42.000 That's true, that's a good point.

02:51:42.000 So he wasn't training that hard.

02:51:44.000 He was still doing the cocaine, which is...

02:51:46.000 Mind-boggling to a guy like me, but I understand it because I was addicted.

02:51:53.000 It just depends how much he does.

02:51:54.000 I know people that just do it once a month.

02:51:56.000 I had a friend that was a tremendous athlete.

02:51:58.000 And one night in front of me, he whipped out a package and I almost died. 1.00

02:52:02.000 And I go, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

02:52:04.000 And he goes, at the beginning of the night, I always do two bumps so I can drink with the rest of these assholes. 1.00

02:52:08.000 And I throw it away or I give it away. 0.99

02:52:10.000 He could do two bumps and drink like it was no tomorrow for two or three hours.

02:52:15.000 Pee and then go home.

02:52:18.000 It's different.

02:52:19.000 Everybody has a different way of partying, a different way of doing coke.

02:52:23.000 Some people could do a little coke.

02:52:25.000 Yeah.

02:52:26.000 But everything starts off easy in the drug world.

02:52:28.000 Everything's a party.

02:52:30.000 I'm happy they caught him now.

02:52:32.000 I don't know what level of the addiction he was up to.

02:52:34.000 Maybe he just done it the first time.

02:52:36.000 None of us know until he tells the truth. 0.92

02:52:38.000 And it's also a thing of John is so fucking good that maybe while he's doing it and he's still winning, he's still beating guys, he's so good he can do coke four weeks out. 0.98

02:52:49.000 He could have done coke three days before, dawg. 0.97

02:52:52.000 Lawrence Taylor was fucking, you know, Friday night in New Jersey, you're playing Sunday? 0.99

02:52:57.000 Really? 0.99

02:52:57.000 What do you think Lawrence Taylor went home and drank Gatorade? 0.99

02:53:00.000 Well, how bad does it fuck you up if he did do it on Friday night? 0.99

02:53:03.000 It fucks you up, baby. 0.99

02:53:04.000 Listen, it fucks up your heart, your breathing. 0.99

02:53:07.000 It fucks up a lot of things. 0.99

02:53:08.000 But once you get back in there, you're fucking back in there. 0.98

02:53:10.000 I know as a comedian, if I did it two nights in a row, it affected me as a comic. 0.99

02:53:15.000 I couldn't really control my words.

02:53:18.000 I could control a lot of things, and I'm very good with a lot of things in my system, with THC and edibles.

02:53:23.000 Once I did coke two days, you could tell as a con.

02:53:25.000 You're talking about raging two days all night long, all morning long now.

02:53:29.000 A gram and a half till four in the morning.

02:53:31.000 I was, you know, I could do two grams in the night till four in the morning and go back to sleep.

02:53:36.000 I'm talking, and no drinking.

02:53:38.000 I knew on Thursday that might...

02:53:41.000 I knew that my stand-up was falling apart.

02:53:43.000 With fighting, it's something different.

02:53:45.000 You want to be crazy.

02:53:46.000 But then again, when I sold sports information, I always did better with a hangover.

02:53:51.000 I was unconscious.

02:53:51.000 Really?

02:53:52.000 I worked off technique.

02:53:55.000 I worked off technique.

02:53:56.000 I worked off technique.

02:53:58.000 I was unconscious.

02:53:59.000 Everything had to be...

02:54:00.000 So you didn't overthink things?

02:54:01.000 I didn't overthink things.

02:54:02.000 I closed them.

02:54:02.000 I stuck to the pitch.

02:54:03.000 I took those beats.

02:54:05.000 So maybe when you're unconscious, you're more...

02:54:08.000 I'm not saying that this poor kid did it before he fought.

02:54:10.000 I can't see it.

02:54:12.000 Listen, right here in the room with men, 24 years I've been doing stand-up.

02:54:16.000 I did cocaine and went on stage one time.

02:54:18.000 March 17, 1992 was my second year doing comedy.

02:54:22.000 I thought I could do coke like Richard Pryor and talk.

02:54:24.000 It doesn't work.

02:54:25.000 So did Michael Richards.

02:54:26.000 Yeah, it doesn't work that way.

02:54:27.000 It doesn't work that way.

02:54:28.000 You do coke and go on stage. 0.79

02:54:30.000 You might kill one time. 0.98

02:54:32.000 Ask Kenison if he killed at the end. 0.93

02:54:33.000 It was a nightmare.

02:54:34.000 You have no emotion.

02:54:36.000 You have no emotion.

02:54:37.000 The cocaine cuts to your heart and the material.

02:54:39.000 So all you are is...

02:54:40.000 Red man, give me your jokes.

02:54:42.000 Right, I see what you're saying.

02:54:43.000 Your timing's off.

02:54:46.000 When I say a joke, my leg goes on the...

02:54:49.000 I've seen guys that are croaked up on stage, too, and they are very robotic.

02:54:54.000 It's over.

02:54:54.000 Robotic.

02:54:55.000 You're working off technique.

02:54:56.000 And with stand-up, you can't work off technique.

02:54:59.000 With jujitsu and me punching, yeah, you know, I can grab that arm and underhook.

02:55:04.000 With stand-up, there's no technique.

02:55:05.000 The technique is my emotion.

02:55:07.000 The technique is my pain.

02:55:09.000 I have to fuel that.

02:55:10.000 I have to fuel that energy.

02:55:12.000 Once I have the bridges broken, once I do blow, Once I do blow my brother, the bridge breaks.

02:55:19.000 There's no disconnect.

02:55:20.000 I can still yell the jokes at you.

02:55:22.000 Hey, what do you get with the chicken crusts?

02:55:24.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:55:25.000 But there's nothing there.

02:55:27.000 So, I don't see it.

02:55:29.000 I just hope he gets better.

02:55:30.000 You know?

02:55:31.000 I hope that it was just something he was doing every couple weeks just to burn some energy. 1.00

02:55:39.000 It's amazing that he could party like that and still kick everybody's ass. 0.99

02:55:41.000 But we don't know what he did. 0.99

02:55:43.000 We don't know how he partied.

02:55:44.000 Well, we know he was doing coke four weeks out.

02:55:47.000 Yeah, but he could have just been with a girl that had, like, a couple lines.

02:55:49.000 Yeah, we could have done a blast. 1.00

02:55:51.000 Listen, you're with a girl, she got a tremendous piece of pussy, a fucking diamond thing studded in her belly button, her ass don't smell like flowers. 1.00

02:56:00.000 Maybe you didn't do coke. 1.00

02:56:00.000 You know what? 1.00

02:56:01.000 Maybe she put a coke rock in her pussy. 1.00

02:56:03.000 You licked it. 1.00

02:56:04.000 Mmm.

02:56:05.000 You know, maybe you touched it. 1.00

02:56:06.000 There's so many fucking things. 0.99

02:56:07.000 But if I came to you and said, Joe Rogan, I didn't do blow. 1.00

02:56:10.000 I'd just put it on the girl's belly button. 1.00

02:56:12.000 Right.

02:56:13.000 Joey, Jesus, I've known you 20 years.

02:56:15.000 You're gonna come at me with that one?

02:56:18.000 Well, it was only metabolites that you tested for, so somewhere between two and four days before that.

02:56:23.000 Well, it was a great test because usually the cocaine's gone in 72 hours.

02:56:28.000 This test got you until about eight or nine days.

02:56:30.000 All right, we're running out of time, Joey.

02:56:32.000 I love you.

02:56:32.000 No worries, bro.

02:56:32.000 We did our three.

02:56:33.000 When can people see you again?

02:56:35.000 Buffalo, helium, next week. 0.99

02:56:37.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:56:37.000 And then the funny bone in Columbus, Super Bowl weekend. 0.99

02:56:40.000 All of it at joeydiaz.com?

02:56:42.000 All of it at joeydiaz.net.

02:56:43.000 Dot net.

02:56:44.000 Joeydiaz.net.

02:56:45.000 Love you, too, man.

02:56:46.000 January 30th, I'm at the Mirage with Ian Edwards and Tony Hinchcliffe.

02:56:53.000 That's January 30th in Vegas, Mirage.

02:56:56.000 Everything else is sold out.

02:56:58.000 Boston this weekend, next weekend rather, next Saturday night, sold out at that Laugh Comedy.

02:57:03.000 I'll be back.

02:57:03.000 I'm going to come back in the spring probably and I'll do the Wilbert Theater for a couple nights.

02:57:07.000 I'm sorry everything sold out so quick and it was only two shows and people didn't get a chance to get tickets, but I'll be back.

02:57:13.000 I didn't forget where I came from.

02:57:15.000 I will be back. 0.99

02:57:17.000 And Helium in Portland, that shit's all sold out too. 0.98

02:57:21.000 So, sorry. 0.99

02:57:22.000 Naughty Show Wednesday, Jeff.

02:57:23.000 Yeah, Naughty Show Wednesday.

02:57:24.000 We're going to be at the Comedy Store.

02:57:27.000 9pm in the main room. 0.67

02:57:29.000 And it's a fuckload of talent.

02:57:31.000 Jim Jeffries is on the show.

02:57:32.000 Brian's on the show.

02:57:34.000 Tripoli's on the show.

02:57:35.000 Ari Shaffir's on the show.

02:57:36.000 Morgan Murphy. 0.99

02:57:37.000 Morgan Murphy's fucking hilarious. 0.99

02:57:39.000 Ronnie Rotten. 0.99

02:57:40.000 Yeah, okay, beautiful.

02:57:41.000 We'll be there.

02:57:42.000 So we'll see you, Fox, very soon.

02:57:44.000 All right, much love.

02:57:45.000 See you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 12, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #598 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

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