The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #605 - Barry Rothbart

00:00:07.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:17.000 Barry Rothbard, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:18.000 What's up, dude?

00:00:19.000 Oh, nothing.

00:00:21.000 I'm feeling good.

00:00:22.000 California weed.

00:00:23.000 Gotcha, right?

00:00:24.000 Yeah.

00:00:25.000 A little bit.

00:00:26.000 That Queens weed is just not the same.

00:00:28.000 No, no.

00:00:29.000 There is no weed in Queens.

00:00:31.000 Queens is...

00:00:32.000 You gotta go to the Bronx.

00:00:33.000 I used to go up to Fordham to get weed.

00:00:35.000 Queens doesn't have any? 0.97

00:00:36.000 Where are you from?

00:00:37.000 Well, I used to...

00:00:38.000 I was born in New Jersey.

00:00:39.000 Oh, okay.

00:00:40.000 I lived in Boston for most of my young adult life.

00:00:43.000 When I lived in New York, I lived in New Rochelle, which is outside of Queens.

00:00:47.000 But that's like close to where weed is.

00:00:49.000 Yeah, but I never...

00:00:50.000 I didn't smoke weed back then.

00:00:52.000 Very, very rarely.

00:00:53.000 I didn't really smoke weed until I was 30 living here.

00:00:56.000 Right.

00:00:57.000 I discovered weed and I was just like, man, movies are great.

00:01:01.000 Who knew?

00:01:02.000 Ice cream is delicious.

00:01:04.000 Who knew that movies were amazing?

00:01:05.000 Yeah, everything is better.

00:01:07.000 Everything.

00:01:08.000 I was like, oh my god, there's like...

00:01:09.000 Ben Folds is great.

00:01:11.000 You know, you're just like...

00:01:13.000 As soon as you take your first hit of weed, you're just like, oh my god, Ben Folds?

00:01:16.000 And those are the things that people don't like about people that smoke weed when they talk about it.

00:01:21.000 Like, yeah, oh my god, this movie's amazing.

00:01:25.000 Oh, look at the sunset. 1.00

00:01:26.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:01:27.000 It is, yeah. 1.00

00:01:27.000 But it is. 1.00

00:01:29.000 The sunset's incredible.

00:01:31.000 That's a weird thing with the people that don't like the effects of pot, because the effects of pot is just like...

00:01:37.000 You become calmer and, like, super appreciative of everything.

00:01:41.000 Like, you know, they'll call it, like, stoner talk.

00:01:43.000 But what it really is, like, recognizing the wonder in things that you ordinarily take for granted.

00:01:48.000 You know, I think a lot of that has to do with time dilation because things feel longer.

00:01:53.000 So I think you're able to appreciate things in the moment a little bit more.

00:01:57.000 Yeah, definitely possible.

00:01:59.000 Because a minute feels like two minutes.

00:02:01.000 Yeah.

00:02:02.000 I think there's a bunch of things going on, right?

00:02:04.000 That's the only thing.

00:02:04.000 No, that's it.

00:02:09.000 Why does life seem shorter, though?

00:02:12.000 It seems like every year goes faster.

00:02:14.000 Is that because we're so stoned?

00:02:15.000 And it's like...

00:02:16.000 It doesn't add up?

00:02:18.000 No, I think that's just a facet of recognizing how brief it really is.

00:02:22.000 As you get older and you hit 40, you go, oh Jesus, if everything goes great, I'm at the halfway point. 0.93

00:02:28.000 Like if I don't get cancer, hit by a bus, die in a car accident, like all these different variables that you start to consider and then you realize when you work all day too, you think about how quick a goddamn day goes by.

00:02:41.000 You're saying that things slow down when you get older?

00:02:44.000 No, I'm saying you're saying it slows down when you smoke weed and you appreciate everything, but yet life seems like it's going faster at the same time.

00:02:51.000 But as I've gotten older, I've actually been way more appreciative of things.

00:02:51.000 Right.

00:02:55.000 I don't know why, like in my 20s, I was just like, who cares?

00:02:58.000 Yeah.

00:02:59.000 No, I'm way more appreciative too, but I agree with you that time does seem like it's going faster.

00:03:03.000 It's February this weekend.

00:03:04.000 Oh my God.

00:03:05.000 Yeah.

00:03:06.000 It's February.

00:03:07.000 Isn't that amazing?

00:03:08.000 It was just January.

00:03:09.000 Yeah.

00:03:10.000 Well, not only that, it was just July.

00:03:12.000 It was hot.

00:03:14.000 It's like a year is not nearly as long as we used to think it was. 0.99

00:03:18.000 And I think part of that also is when you're a kid, you're in fucking school. 0.98

00:03:21.000 And those nine months of classes seem like forever. 0.99

00:03:25.000 It's an eternity.

00:03:26.000 Because you're forced to do something you don't want to do.

00:03:29.000 Once you get older and you kind of recognize what that really was, you realize how short a year actually is.

00:03:37.000 But if you ask a 21-year-old right now, is a year long?

00:03:41.000 And they're like, dude, it's totally long.

00:03:42.000 I wonder if they feel...

00:03:44.000 That's a good impression of a 21-year-old.

00:03:46.000 Well, it's a percentage of their life, too.

00:03:48.000 Dude, it's so long.

00:03:48.000 Oh, it's great.

00:03:48.000 It's super long.

00:03:49.000 That's true, that's true.

00:03:50.000 If you're 20 years old and, you know, you go through a year.

00:03:53.000 Yeah, you see things in a different perspective when you're older.

00:03:56.000 Yeah.

00:03:57.000 You know, you could look back on two years and it's just like, oh my God, like, that two years was nothing.

00:04:02.000 Yeah.

00:04:02.000 When you're a kid, you're just like, that's like a third of my life.

00:04:05.000 Two years.

00:04:07.000 We're time travelers.

00:04:08.000 Yeah.

00:04:08.000 Yeah, I mean, when you're a little kid, like, every year is a huge deal, you know?

00:04:13.000 That's why you say, like, I'm four and a half.

00:04:15.000 You know, no one says I'm 24 and a half.

00:04:17.000 That's true.

00:04:20.000 Imagine if you were dating a girl and you go, how old are you?

00:04:23.000 And she's like 24 and a half.

00:04:24.000 You're like, I gotta go. 1.00

00:04:25.000 You're fucking, you're six. 1.00

00:04:27.000 You're like, you have some genetic abnormality that makes you look like you're 24. 24 and a fourth. 1.00

00:04:34.000 Yeah, that's a weird thing about kids today, right?

00:04:36.000 With this thing that they're saying that hormones in the meat are causing them to reach puberty quicker than ever before, and that girls that are like 12 and 13 years old, they look like women.

00:04:46.000 And they're getting fur.

00:04:48.000 Have you noticed girls are getting furrier lately? 1.00

00:04:50.000 I think it's from the meat.

00:04:51.000 Is this your own subject?

00:04:52.000 So wait, hold on.

00:04:53.000 Well, have you noticed that?

00:04:54.000 No.

00:04:55.000 So there's hormones in meat that are making kids grow up quicker?

00:04:58.000 I didn't hear that.

00:04:59.000 Well, there's a bunch of factors that they believe are making kids grow We have incredibly abundant resources when it comes to food.

00:05:14.000 Crazy meat.

00:05:15.000 All hormone-filled.

00:05:15.000 Yeah.

00:05:17.000 And on top of that, antibiotics.

00:05:19.000 They're thinking antibiotics are having a weird effect on people because you're absorbing a certain amount of it from the food that you eat.

00:05:25.000 Right.

00:05:25.000 There's a lot of variables.

00:05:27.000 Well, when you look back at humans from, like... 0.98

00:05:30.000 A hundred years ago.

00:05:31.000 Why are they so much smaller?

00:05:33.000 They didn't have much food.

00:05:34.000 Is that it?

00:05:35.000 Yeah, it was hard to get food back then.

00:05:36.000 I don't even mean fat smaller, like just smaller, smaller.

00:05:38.000 That's a function of having...

00:05:40.000 Bone-wise.

00:05:41.000 Yeah, well, it's not having enough food.

00:05:43.000 You know, when you look at what people can do today, where you just go into a supermarket and you get cold meat, like that wasn't that easy back then.

00:05:43.000 Right.

00:05:51.000 There was no freezers.

00:05:51.000 Right, right.

00:05:53.000 I just saw a documentary about the Russian hockey team and they were saying how they came to America for the first time in the 70s.

00:05:58.000 Like the one that we beat in the 80s.

00:06:00.000 And they were like, you can get vegetables in the winter?

00:06:04.000 What does this mean?

00:06:06.000 Yeah, right?

00:06:06.000 How do you get fruit and vegetables when people can't grow them here?

00:06:10.000 Yeah, our shipping, the ability to get oranges from Florida to New Mexico, it's fucking incredible.

00:06:17.000 Like, that's never existed in time.

00:06:18.000 So 100 years ago, they had to eat what was near them.

00:06:21.000 Yeah.

00:06:22.000 And they had the ice house where I'm at tonight in Pasadena was an ice house.

00:06:27.000 It was a place they would take giant blocks of ice from the Great North.

00:06:31.000 They would put them on boats.

00:06:33.000 They would put them in these cargoes that were insulated.

00:06:36.000 They had these thick walls and steel and all this different stuff to try to encapsulate the cold.

00:06:41.000 And then they would bring them to Pasadena and you would go and buy ice.

00:06:45.000 And you would put it in your ice box.

00:06:47.000 So if you had milk or something like that and you didn't want it to go bad, you want it to last like two days.

00:06:52.000 No preservatives.

00:06:53.000 There's just no preservatives.

00:06:54.000 You had to just store everything.

00:06:56.000 Everything, but not only that, everything went quick.

00:06:58.000 You couldn't, you had to keep shopping.

00:07:01.000 You had to go to the grocery store like every other day.

00:07:04.000 And when are we talking?

00:07:04.000 When is this?

00:07:05.000 A hundred years ago.

00:07:06.000 A hundred years ago.

00:07:07.000 Yeah.

00:07:07.000 So the people that you're looking at, these little tiny, like Civil War people, men were like 125 pounds.

00:07:13.000 That was like the average size for a man.

00:07:15.000 It's crazy.

00:07:17.000 Everybody's always comparing what if current athletes played athletes from the 60s.

00:07:21.000 It would destroy them.

00:07:23.000 It would be such a slaughter fest.

00:07:25.000 People are bigger, faster, even without steroids.

00:07:28.000 There would be a few people that would It's always crazy when people are just like, well, what if Wilt Chamberlain went against LeBron James?

00:07:37.000 And it's like, not even a contest.

00:07:39.000 But, if Wilt Chamberlain was still a giant man, the other thing is, if Wilt Chamberlain lived today...

00:07:45.000 They didn't have the speed, they didn't have the...

00:07:46.000 The game is so quicker and different in every sport.

00:07:49.000 But, don't you think that they...

00:07:51.000 Like, Wilt Chamberlain was a super athlete.

00:07:53.000 He was a big, tall, strong dude.

00:07:54.000 So if he just got involved in the same sort of strength and conditioning programs that today's modern athletes get involved with... 0.97

00:08:00.000 Understood nutrition, recovery, all the different shit that Kobe Bryant does. 0.83

00:08:04.000 Kobe Bryant was one of the first guys to go to Germany and get that blood-spinning procedure. 0.99

00:08:09.000 I know.

00:08:09.000 He was on top of the cryogenic thing, too, before anybody.

00:08:12.000 He goes to those 250 degree below zero booths for like three minutes.

00:08:16.000 Which, why is that legal if steroids aren't?

00:08:18.000 Well, it's not as good.

00:08:20.000 That's why.

00:08:20.000 It's pretty good, but it's not just steroids.

00:08:23.000 Steroids turn you into a super person.

00:08:25.000 But what these guys can do today with all that is partially why they're so good.

00:08:31.000 And also that people imitate their atmosphere.

00:08:34.000 If you're around a bunch of Michael Jordans, it elevates the game.

00:08:39.000 It's not that the physical capabilities of the elite athletes are that much different.

00:08:43.000 I think you have to be better.

00:08:45.000 Yeah.

00:08:45.000 You look at the people who came before you and you're not going to be like, well, I'll settle for half of what they did.

00:08:50.000 You're going to be like, I've got to be better than that.

00:08:50.000 Yeah.

00:08:52.000 Could you imagine if Babe Ruth came back and tried to compete against Jose Canseco when Jose Canseco was in his juicin' prime or Mark McGuire?

00:09:03.000 First of all, I feel like Babe Ruth would be brought up on rape charges immediately.

00:09:05.000 Immediately.

00:09:06.000 He would be the Bill Cosby of baseball.

00:09:11.000 Like, that was probably just like, oh yeah, of course!

00:09:14.000 She said no! 1.00

00:09:15.000 You're on the Yankees!

00:09:17.000 Yeah.

00:09:19.000 Well, I think rape was probably like super-duper-duper common, you know, a thousand years ago.

00:09:24.000 Like, almost everybody raped.

00:09:26.000 I guarantee you, you can go back to a point of like really primitive man when it was unbelievably common.

00:09:32.000 And I think that's like one of the things that people are freaking out about today.

00:09:35.000 Like when, you know, this whole argument about rape culture and discussion about rape jokes and all this.

00:09:40.000 Just thinking like in a court, like how funny of a defense that would be.

00:09:44.000 Go back a hundred years ago, man.

00:09:46.000 It's totally normal.

00:09:48.000 So I have a slave.

00:09:51.000 Dude, do you not know how this country was founded?

00:09:54.000 You know, that's like the Second Amendment argument, you know?

00:09:57.000 This country's founded the right to bear arms.

00:09:59.000 It's also founded by people that own slaves.

00:10:02.000 Like, those people you worship were slave owners.

00:10:02.000 Right.

00:10:04.000 Yeah.

00:10:05.000 And it was founded by people who couldn't fit in in Europe.

00:10:09.000 Yeah.

00:10:09.000 You know, people who just were like, I don't, you know, I'm the weirdo here.

00:10:12.000 And people that were so fucking fed up that they got in a boat with no vegetables and they went across the ocean. 0.58

00:10:19.000 No vegetables, no energy bars, nothing. 1.00

00:10:22.000 A lot of them got sick as fuck. 0.99

00:10:23.000 People died on that trip. 1.00

00:10:25.000 I mean, that's a long trip with shitty, shitty food. 0.99

00:10:27.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:10:28.000 What did they eat back then?

00:10:29.000 Like beef, turkey and stuff?

00:10:30.000 Like, what could they preserve?

00:10:31.000 Fish.

00:10:32.000 They probably just ate fish, right?

00:10:32.000 Fish.

00:10:33.000 Did they catch fish?

00:10:35.000 Is that proven?

00:10:37.000 They would have to try to catch fish.

00:10:38.000 Why would you not?

00:10:39.000 That would be crazy.

00:10:39.000 You're in the ocean.

00:10:40.000 I would assume grain.

00:10:42.000 Probably a lot of grain.

00:10:43.000 Well, they're also always traveling, too. 0.98

00:10:45.000 When you're fishing, presumably, even if you're trolling, which means pulling behind, I would imagine the boat would be going faster than that if it's got oars and sails, those big crazy fucking sails. 0.97

00:10:59.000 How about they're going faster than you would want to troll for? 0.87

00:11:02.000 So you're not going to slow down on the off chance that you catch a fish.

00:11:05.000 What's trolling?

00:11:06.000 Trolling is like when they take a line and they pull it behind a boat with a hook and a flashy lure and the fish see it and they think it's a fish trying to swim away and they chase after it and they eat it.

00:11:17.000 It's instinctive.

00:11:18.000 They can't help themselves.

00:11:19.000 That's great.

00:11:21.000 Yeah, it's a boring way of fishing.

00:11:22.000 I just went deep sea fishing in Redondo Beach this weekend.

00:11:25.000 We just dropped a line down?

00:11:26.000 Yeah, and I had a really bad experience.

00:11:28.000 I caught a pelican, a live pelican, because I didn't drop it quick enough, and the pelicans will go for it.

00:11:34.000 Boom! 0.99

00:11:35.000 I caught like I think a 50-pound pelican like this pelican was gigantic and they had to like some dude some captain dude came out he's like I got this and he pulled the pelican out by his beak out of the water and had to like cut the hook off so he's just like living with a hook in him now.

00:11:52.000 I had the same thing happen once with a seal.

00:11:55.000 A seal stole.

00:11:57.000 A seal or a sea lion? 1.00

00:11:58.000 One of those fucking things. 1.00

00:11:59.000 I was fishing with these guys, these camera dudes from news radio. 1.00

00:12:04.000 They were big time fishermen.

00:12:05.000 They'd go out every weekend.

00:12:06.000 The show?

00:12:07.000 Yeah.

00:12:08.000 And I'm like, alright, one day I was like, come on, let's go, let's go.

00:12:11.000 So we all went out fishing. 0.99

00:12:12.000 I fucking didn't catch any fish, but I caught a fucking seal. 0.99

00:12:16.000 Did you take it? 1.00

00:12:17.000 No, we had to cut the line.

00:12:19.000 It was so awful.

00:12:20.000 Like, it's a mammal.

00:12:21.000 It's got a hook in its mouth.

00:12:23.000 It's got, like, a personality.

00:12:24.000 It's a testament to the intelligence of dolphins, because you never hear about someone accidentally catching a dolphin.

00:12:30.000 Maybe that's what they used to eat back in the day, though.

00:12:32.000 They would just get one big dolphin and feed, like, 20 people.

00:12:35.000 They might have ate dolphins or bigger fish instead of trying to catch these smaller fish.

00:12:38.000 Well, people definitely killed dolphins, but they would never...

00:12:41.000 Have you seen The Cove?

00:12:42.000 Yeah, I mean, they kill and eat dolphins, for sure.

00:12:44.000 They always have been.

00:12:45.000 But they don't catch them with hooks.

00:12:47.000 I mean, you'd have to, like, you'd have to jig them, which means, like, you'd have to pass, throw the hook over their body, and pull on it, like, catch their body.

00:12:54.000 They're not going to willingly bite a fake fish.

00:12:57.000 They're too smart.

00:12:58.000 No, but dolphins are so nice, they probably came up with, like, hey, can we help you guys?

00:13:01.000 And they're just like...

00:13:02.000 Yeah, there's definitely been some of that.

00:13:05.000 Hey, what's up, guys?

00:13:06.000 You need help?

00:13:07.000 They probably ate cuter things back in the day.

00:13:09.000 Like, you know, things that usually you're like, oh, look, a seal or like a little baby sea lion.

00:13:13.000 You know, back then that was like, no, that's like turkey dinner for like three weeks for our village or something.

00:13:19.000 Yeah, we think things are too cute now.

00:13:22.000 We gotta get over how cute things are.

00:13:24.000 Is that the first bird that you almost killed?

00:13:27.000 Have you killed a bird before?

00:13:28.000 I've never killed a bird.

00:13:30.000 Even killing a fish is weird.

00:13:32.000 I'm not from the country where I grew up killing anything.

00:13:37.000 Killing things are weird.

00:13:38.000 I feel weird killing bugs sometimes.

00:13:38.000 I don't know.

00:13:41.000 Yeah, it's a weird thing.

00:13:42.000 I just feel weird.

00:13:43.000 It's like weird to take a life, but you know, you gotta, you know, I gotta eat, right?

00:13:46.000 But it's even weirder that we have somebody else do it, like a supermarket hitman.

00:13:51.000 Oh yeah, I'm cool with that.

00:13:52.000 That's the weirdest part about it though, isn't it?

00:13:54.000 It is, and it's cool.

00:13:55.000 Well, it is cool.

00:13:56.000 Well, it's cool to be able to get, like, to just be able to go to the store and they have lamb. 0.99

00:14:02.000 You know, the fucking amount of effort you would have to go through to get a sheep and kill it and butcher it and chop up the pieces. 0.99

00:14:09.000 Raise it and then kill it? 1.00

00:14:10.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:14:11.000 You gotta be friends with it for a while? 1.00

00:14:13.000 So these people who are doing it are doing us a huge service.

00:14:17.000 But there's also a weirdness with people.

00:14:20.000 If you don't think of yourself as being a killer, even while you're wearing leather shoes, you've got a belt on that's made out of alligators. 0.91

00:14:26.000 We're wearing Nike that's made by Filipino kids with bloody fingers. 1.00

00:14:31.000 No fingernails.

00:14:33.000 Chapped lips.

00:14:34.000 We can't think about this stuff.

00:14:36.000 Dehydrated.

00:14:36.000 That's like the contract we make when we're like, we want to live in a society where we have convenience, right?

00:14:42.000 Yeah, I was listening to this Radiolab podcast about cities, and they were talking about the hectic, crazy pace of cities.

00:14:49.000 And they were saying that the pace is directly mathematically related to how many people live in the city.

00:14:55.000 The pace?

00:14:55.000 The pace.

00:14:56.000 The pace of the way you talk.

00:14:58.000 The amount of syllables per second, the amount of steps per minute that you take when you're walking, directly related to the population of the city.

00:15:08.000 It was amazing.

00:15:09.000 They broke it down as a mathematical equation with these physicists.

00:15:12.000 They thought this through and they've done all these tests where they called people, they called post offices, they called and they set up Like waypoints, like here's like the start, here's the beginning, and they measured everybody who walks through that waypoint, like an unknown waypoint.

00:15:27.000 They had no idea they were being studied.

00:15:29.000 They put a piece of string down on the ground.

00:15:31.000 They tied it to one post and another post.

00:15:33.000 So they had an arbitrary beginning start time and end time.

00:15:36.000 And these people would walk through it, and they would count in every city what is the average number.

00:15:41.000 So this guy walked, you know, 20 feet per second or whatever.

00:15:44.000 This guy walked 15. And they would figure out how many steps, and they would throw it all into a computer.

00:15:50.000 And they found out that it's directly proportional to how many people live in the area.

00:15:55.000 He's the fastest walkers, do you remember?

00:15:57.000 Well, I didn't pay attention.

00:15:59.000 I was just fascinated.

00:16:00.000 They were just reading out a bunch of numbers.

00:16:02.000 I should be skinny, though.

00:16:03.000 You know, because wouldn't LA be one of the most per-kappa people that live in the city and the most people in the per-city, right? 1.00

00:16:09.000 What do you imagine?

00:16:10.000 Well, there's a lot of people in LA, but...

00:16:10.000 I'd say LA is probably skinny.

00:16:14.000 LA is also spread out, but you shouldn't be skinny because of what you fucking eat and drink. 1.00

00:16:18.000 That's so dumb that you think that way. 1.00

00:16:20.000 I walk so much. 1.00

00:16:21.000 If you walk a mile a day, you're probably sprain your ankle.

00:16:25.000 I just don't think I'm a fast walker.

00:16:26.000 You're not a fast walker.

00:16:27.000 You have to walk a lot, I think, to actually lose weight from it.

00:16:32.000 I would assume.

00:16:33.000 Sometimes I got into biking at some point and I was like, here we go.

00:16:37.000 Here comes the exercise.

00:16:39.000 Do you know how little exercise biking is?

00:16:41.000 You have to ride like 25 miles a day to get like a really good workout.

00:16:46.000 Yeah, that's a lot of risk.

00:16:48.000 25 miles is 25 miles of possibility.

00:16:51.000 A lot of risk.

00:16:52.000 25 miles of possibility where cars can hit you.

00:16:55.000 Lions.

00:16:56.000 Cars.

00:16:57.000 Talk a lion, man.

00:16:58.000 I'm talking about real things.

00:16:59.000 Cars, yeah, yeah.

00:17:00.000 Well, mountain lions are a problem with people who dirt bike ride.

00:17:03.000 Really?

00:17:04.000 Yeah, they say it's like rolling a ball of yarn past a cat.

00:17:06.000 You know, a cat can't resist themselves.

00:17:08.000 When they see a mountain back go by, it's like they think it's trying to run from them.

00:17:13.000 I hear they're fine with people, though, like hikers and stuff.

00:17:15.000 Is that true?

00:17:16.000 No.

00:17:17.000 No.

00:17:17.000 No, they're not.

00:17:17.000 There's, like, mountain lions in Griffith.

00:17:19.000 And, like, I go hiking there.

00:17:19.000 Yeah.

00:17:21.000 Am I at risk?

00:17:21.000 Oh, for sure.

00:17:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:23.000 I mean, most likely the mountain lion's gonna stay clear of you because they've learned over the years that when you fuck with people, you usually get killed. 1.00

00:17:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:17:30.000 So they develop these instincts to stay shy of people. 0.99

00:17:33.000 But... 0.99

00:17:34.000 If the wrong mountain lion with a sprained ankle finds you, and you're there when it's hungry, and it says, fuck it, I'm not starving to death, and it just takes you down, that can happen too. 0.99

00:17:46.000 It doesn't happen that often. 0.94

00:17:47.000 The jury's kind of out on how you deal with a mountain lion attack, right?

00:17:51.000 It's not the same as a bear.

00:17:52.000 You don't play dead, right?

00:17:53.000 You fight back.

00:17:53.000 No, no, no, no.

00:17:54.000 You fight back. 1.00

00:17:55.000 You punch it in the face. 0.94

00:17:56.000 Or is that a shark? 0.93

00:17:56.000 You fight back. 0.93

00:17:57.000 Well, you do whatever you can. 0.99

00:17:59.000 If you can punch it, punch it. 0.89

00:18:00.000 You do whatever you can. 0.94

00:18:01.000 You want to make it so that it's worried about being injured by...

00:18:04.000 Yes.

00:18:04.000 Do you get big?

00:18:04.000 Okay, you get big, yell.

00:18:05.000 Yell.

00:18:06.000 Yeah, you're supposed to jump your arms up in the air, but oddly enough, you're not supposed to make eye contact with it.

00:18:12.000 Sounds like my sex life.

00:18:14.000 That's a terrible joke. 0.93

00:18:15.000 Sorry, guys.

00:18:16.000 Take off your shirt, make it into a ball, and throw it.

00:18:19.000 I pretend to be really big.

00:18:21.000 I throw my shirt.

00:18:22.000 I would do cat things, I think, because it's still a cat.

00:18:25.000 Do that with a cat that's going...

00:18:27.000 That's terrifying, man.

00:18:29.000 They're not going to let you roll a ball past them. 0.98

00:18:31.000 They don't give a fuck about that ball. 0.99

00:18:32.000 Large cats are so terrifying to me. 0.99

00:18:34.000 Mountain lions are awful.

00:18:35.000 If you get bitten by one, they're awful.

00:18:38.000 Have you gotten bitten by one?

00:18:39.000 No.

00:18:39.000 I can see that you fought a mountain lion at some point.

00:18:42.000 You can see that?

00:18:43.000 I can see that.

00:18:44.000 A guy in Cupertino, his six-year-old kid got attacked right in front of him.

00:18:48.000 They were walking on a trail.

00:18:49.000 That's where Apple is.

00:18:51.000 Mountain lion jumps out, bites a kid.

00:18:52.000 There's mountain lions, like, in Hollywood.

00:18:55.000 Yeah.

00:18:56.000 I saw a fox on the street in Hollywood.

00:18:58.000 What?

00:18:59.000 A fox just walking around.

00:19:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:19:02.000 In Los Feliz.

00:19:03.000 I'm sure it wasn't a cougar?

00:19:05.000 I don't know.

00:19:06.000 Are you talking about a real fox?

00:19:07.000 Yeah, a real fox.

00:19:09.000 Yeah, they have real foxes.

00:19:10.000 In LA? Yeah, they're very, very rare.

00:19:11.000 What do you mean, like a fake fox?

00:19:12.000 He was trying to say, like, foxy lady.

00:19:14.000 No, no.

00:19:15.000 Oh, yeah, I saw a real foxy lady. 1.00

00:19:17.000 I thought you were saying that.

00:19:18.000 I saw this thing was a fox.

00:19:20.000 I saw this real fox in Los Feliz.

00:19:22.000 No, I didn't think that foxes were in LA. Isn't that funny?

00:19:25.000 Like a fox walking around.

00:19:26.000 My friend's cat just got eaten by coyotes.

00:19:28.000 That happens all the time.

00:19:30.000 Wow.

00:19:30.000 Yeah.

00:19:31.000 Did you see there was a article showing frozen people and animals and people that have died from being frozen?

00:19:38.000 Like a lot of the homeless people just like sitting there on like a park bench frozen.

00:19:41.000 But one thing was interesting was a Jamie, they have a fox frozen in water.

00:19:47.000 It's a fox that was trying to cross this water and it just froze like mid thing.

00:19:52.000 There's an elk that was frozen standing up and the coyotes ate it while it was standing up.

00:19:57.000 So it's like just skeletons standing up in a field stuck in the snow and ice.

00:20:02.000 It's so creepy.

00:20:03.000 The homeless people.

00:20:04.000 There was one guy with his eyes wide open looking.

00:20:08.000 Look at this bottom one right there.

00:20:10.000 Why is its eye so messed up?

00:20:12.000 Because it's frozen.

00:20:13.000 It's super cold.

00:20:18.000 I'm actually, you know what, I'm cool with animals that die naturally in the wild.

00:20:22.000 They all die naturally.

00:20:23.000 Everything is, you know, it'd be unnatural if they stayed alive.

00:20:26.000 Unless this has to do with global warming, I'm fine with it.

00:20:31.000 Can we prove that this has nothing to do with global warming?

00:20:33.000 What are your thoughts on global warming?

00:20:35.000 Love it.

00:20:37.000 Huge fan.

00:20:37.000 Are you happy?

00:20:41.000 My thoughts on it. 0.98

00:20:43.000 I mean, it's hard to deny that something fucked up is happening right now, right? 0.97

00:20:43.000 You know what? 0.97

00:20:48.000 Yeah, pretty hard to deny.

00:20:49.000 Yeah, I definitely believe that we've fucked things up.

00:20:53.000 I don't know if we have.

00:20:55.000 I think we certainly have done a lot of damage as far as pollution and Particulates, but I listen to people that say that they know that we have done it and I believe them and I trust them.

00:21:08.000 You mean scientists?

00:21:09.000 Yeah, but I don't know.

00:21:10.000 You know, I have no idea. 1.00

00:21:11.000 I'm an idiot. 1.00

00:21:12.000 Why don't we believe scientists on that? 1.00

00:21:14.000 Well, I certainly do. 0.99

00:21:15.000 I mean, what I'm saying is I don't know what the fuck is going on. 0.58

00:21:19.000 I'm listening to them and they're making a lot of sense and I would always go towards the scientists, but I have no idea Like whether or not people are actually causing global warming or whether or not global warming is going to be the sky is falling moment that 2000 wasn't or that 2012 wasn't. 0.86

00:21:35.000 I don't know.

00:21:36.000 I just feel like it's so scary that we are just like, I don't want to deal with that right now.

00:21:41.000 You think so?

00:21:41.000 Yeah, I think it's like one of these things where in order to actually deal with it, we'd have to be way more scared.

00:21:47.000 Right now.

00:21:48.000 Because every time a report comes out, scientists are just like, yeah, it's going to be all over in like 20 years.

00:21:54.000 But didn't they say that about AIDS, too?

00:21:56.000 That AIDS would be over in 20 years?

00:21:57.000 Remember, we'd all be dead by 97 or something like that? 1.00

00:22:00.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:22:00.000 Did they say that? 1.00

00:22:01.000 There were some doom and gloom motherfuckers back when Magic Johnson came out with AIDS. That's when everybody fucking panicked. 1.00

00:22:07.000 Because it was like a zombie movie where the president goes on TV and tells you he's a zombie. 0.99

00:22:12.000 I'm sorry, I'm gonna become a zombie in a couple days.

00:22:13.000 Like, what?

00:22:14.000 Like, Magic Johnson?

00:22:15.000 Magic Johnson was the king.

00:22:17.000 He's a celebrity!

00:22:18.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:22:19.000 He's a fucking huge super athlete. 0.98

00:22:21.000 He's one of the best basketball players of all time. 0.99

00:22:23.000 It would be like if LeBron came out with global warming.

00:22:26.000 Like, he just was like, I have global warming.

00:22:26.000 Yeah.

00:22:28.000 Oh my god, LeBron's got global warming.

00:22:30.000 Is there any positive things about AIDS, though?

00:22:34.000 Besides weight loss and stuff like that, is there anything positive to look at it?

00:22:37.000 Because I know so many people that have AIDS now.

00:22:40.000 Well, they don't have AIDS. They have HIV. Positive?

00:22:43.000 You probably get to do a lot of interviews.

00:22:45.000 I don't know.

00:22:49.000 Well, I've seen this, there was some scientific study they did where they injected a sick person with HIV, like the HIV to combat some other disease, like it was an inert form of HIV that could infect them.

00:23:03.000 Yeah, I did hear that.

00:23:03.000 Did you hear about that?

00:23:04.000 Didn't we cure it?

00:23:05.000 Well, this is what they're trying to do now.

00:23:07.000 They're trying to, this is like some radical new form of therapy for certain diseases, like in cancer even.

00:23:13.000 They're injecting diseases into the disease so that the disease fights the cancer.

00:23:18.000 It might be the other way around.

00:23:20.000 I think cancer can defeat AIDS. Really?

00:23:23.000 It's like Freddy vs.

00:23:26.000 Jason.

00:23:26.000 It's rock, paper, scissors of diseases.

00:23:28.000 You would never think a paper would beat a rock, but it does.

00:23:31.000 That's true.

00:23:32.000 I'm not even kidding. 0.96

00:23:33.000 I think that there's something like if you inject a certain type of cancer into an AIDS cell, it just goes like, it just fucking kills the AIDS. Well, there's no AIDS cell, right? 0.71

00:23:42.000 There's T cells that are bad, and it's your immune system that's shot.

00:23:45.000 So with AIDS, it'll be really hard.

00:23:47.000 I think you're reversing it.

00:23:49.000 Yeah, it's not.

00:23:50.000 But there's like an actual, like, you could see what AIDS looks like.

00:23:50.000 Yeah.

00:23:53.000 There's like a photo of AIDS. If you want to bring something up on Google, photo of AIDS. There's a photo of the virus, right?

00:23:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:59.000 Yeah.

00:24:00.000 Can they find that and isolate it in your body?

00:24:02.000 I know that they did the HIV thing with a tumor because they could find the tumor and then just shoot something into it.

00:24:08.000 So you could possibly put HIV and herpes and have HIV instead of herpes and some people would actually probably rather have that.

00:24:15.000 Who would want that? 0.89

00:24:16.000 I don't know.

00:24:17.000 Herpes is...

00:24:17.000 Well, are those drugs you have to take, those protease inhibitors, are those really bad for your body?

00:24:23.000 For AIDS? Yeah, the HIV. Oh, yeah.

00:24:25.000 I mean, I don't know if they're as bad anymore.

00:24:27.000 I hear AIDS belly is a thing now. 1.00

00:24:29.000 You get, like, AIDS belly. 0.58

00:24:30.000 I'm not kidding. 0.98

00:24:31.000 Brian, stand up. 0.99

00:24:32.000 Is that four of cum? 0.99

00:24:34.000 This is AIDS belly. 0.99

00:24:35.000 No, no.

00:24:36.000 There were all these ads all over New York at some point that were like, are you dealing with AIDS belly? 1.00

00:24:42.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:24:43.000 There's a thing. 1.00

00:24:43.000 Swear to God. 1.00

00:24:45.000 Call in if you guys have AIDS belly. 0.97

00:24:47.000 That might be one of those things that someone created as a marketing ploy.

00:24:52.000 I'm trying to sell my ab regimen and it's not working.

00:24:55.000 Drink Gatorade. 0.88

00:24:55.000 Tell people they have AIDS belly. 0.88

00:24:57.000 Do you suffer from AIDS belly?

00:25:00.000 I thought that was a real commercial for a second.

00:25:02.000 Yeah, I... I do too.

00:25:04.000 I think it's the pills that distend your belly.

00:25:10.000 I don't know.

00:25:11.000 We know a dude who has HIV. He's fine. 1.00

00:25:13.000 Yeah.

00:25:14.000 I do too.

00:25:15.000 I've known several people that got it, and I was like, man, how much longer?

00:25:19.000 We'll talk later.

00:25:19.000 Is it the same guy?

00:25:19.000 I don't know.

00:25:19.000 Maybe.

00:25:20.000 I don't want to out somebody.

00:25:22.000 Magic Johnson.

00:25:23.000 No!

00:25:24.000 I know an actual person that I actually know.

00:25:27.000 And, you know, he's fine.

00:25:29.000 I just don't understand how we thought that it was going to kill everybody.

00:25:33.000 Well, I guess I understand.

00:25:34.000 Scientists figured out a way to cure most of the issues that come along with that disease.

00:25:40.000 So what was a death sentence?

00:25:42.000 Well, you're all, I'm assuming, and I don't know this person you know, but I'm assuming that they are of the middle class and they are, like, they're not, like, a poor, poverty-stricken person, right?

00:25:52.000 He's not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination.

00:25:54.000 No.

00:25:55.000 He's actually probably pretty poor.

00:25:57.000 It's all paid for by insurance.

00:26:00.000 I assume people still do die of AIDS, right?

00:26:04.000 That's the question.

00:26:05.000 We were actually asking this the other night.

00:26:08.000 When was the last time you heard about someone dying of AIDS? It used to be Freddie Mercury died of AIDS. Holy shit, Freddie Mercury?

00:26:15.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:26:16.000 There was always these people that were dying of AIDS. You don't hear that anymore. 1.00

00:26:20.000 Right.

00:26:21.000 Definitely not high-profile people.

00:26:22.000 I don't even know about low-profile.

00:26:25.000 We don't know, so let's just take a guess.

00:26:27.000 How many AIDS deaths per year would you...

00:26:29.000 2014. Let's say 2014. They might be adding like 2009 in it.

00:26:33.000 I would say...

00:26:36.000 $70,000.

00:26:37.000 $60,000.

00:26:38.000 This is like a really dark price is right.

00:26:40.000 Really?

00:26:40.000 That many?

00:26:41.000 Yeah.

00:26:42.000 $60,000?

00:26:43.000 I would say maybe even higher.

00:26:45.000 In the U.S.? Okay, let's say the U.S. because here's where it gets funky when they start counting Africa. 0.71

00:26:51.000 And one of the reasons why it gets funky is because if you say there's HIV... Oh, you're thinking of the world.

00:26:55.000 I thought you meant USA. USA. Let's just go with USA. Because if you go with the world, the real problem with the world is, as it's been explained to me, in Africa, they can get funding from AIDS organizations if someone has HIV. They will say, you know, this person is getting AIDS. They're testing positive for AIDS. And this is like,

00:27:14.000 there's X amount of AIDS cases.

00:27:15.000 But they might not have HIV. And they're not going to test them for it.

00:27:19.000 They might have a bunch of different diseases.

00:27:21.000 Like in Africa, you could have a whole host of different diseases that destroy your immune system. 1.00

00:27:26.000 So they might have HIV, but they also might have a bunch of other shit. 0.99

00:27:29.000 That's what I was going to say. 1.00

00:27:29.000 Like, you die of pneumonia. 1.00

00:27:31.000 Right.

00:27:31.000 When they say 30,000, when they say those numbers in Africa, what's been explained to me by legit scientists is that it's possible that you have to consider that those people don't all have HIV. It might be unrelated illnesses that's causing their immune system to get destroyed.

00:27:47.000 Some of them might have HIV, but some of them might have cancers and toxic poisoning.

00:27:53.000 Who knows?

00:27:54.000 There could be a lot of other issues.

00:27:56.000 They're just seeing people who have AIDS. They're not testing every single person that they throw into this grand number.

00:28:01.000 But that's not in the U.S. Not in the U.S. So in the U.S., yeah, that's what I was saying.

00:28:05.000 Let's go with the U.S., not worldwide. 0.87

00:28:07.000 What do you want to say?

00:28:08.000 I'm going to say 20,000.

00:28:10.000 Okay, I say 12. I say 60. How many people in the US died of AIDS in 2014?

00:28:21.000 An estimated 1.5 million people died from AIDS in 2013. 39 million people have died worldwide.

00:28:33.000 Oh my god, we're so dumb. 1.00

00:28:35.000 What's wrong with us? 1.00

00:28:36.000 An estimated 1.5 million people. 0.99

00:28:38.000 I feel so dumb right now.

00:28:39.000 This is worldwide. 0.90

00:28:40.000 Oh, worldwide.

00:28:41.000 Okay.

00:28:41.000 Africa is 90%.

00:28:43.000 But still.

00:28:44.000 1.4 in Africa.

00:28:45.000 Jesus Christ.

00:28:46.000 Sub-Saharan Africa, here it is.

00:28:47.000 Sub-Saharan Africa has the biggest burden of HIV-AIDS with almost 70% of the global total of new HIV infections.

00:28:54.000 But that's HIV. Hmm.

00:28:56.000 Death.

00:28:56.000 They're not saying AIDS. You've got to say in the U.S. AIDS-related deaths in the U.S. In 2010, HIV was the seventh leading cause of death.

00:29:07.000 Huh.

00:29:08.000 That sounds like a lot of people.

00:29:10.000 1.1 million people in the U.S. right now are living with HIV. Oh, here we go.

00:29:16.000 I was right.

00:29:18.000 The estimated deaths, 13,834.

00:29:23.000 Wow, you were closest.

00:29:25.000 Yeah, and that was in 2011. You know, that sounds like a lot, right?

00:29:31.000 That's a lot of people.

00:29:32.000 I mean, that's a lot of people.

00:29:34.000 Still a lot of people.

00:29:35.000 If it's the seventh...

00:29:37.000 Yeah, but look at something like pneumonia or even chicken pox or how many people die a year from just anything.

00:29:42.000 How many people die of alcohol?

00:29:44.000 You know, things like that.

00:29:45.000 Number one.

00:29:46.000 That's 70,000.

00:29:46.000 Oh, that's giant.

00:29:48.000 70,000 plus in America every year.

00:29:50.000 Every year.

00:29:51.000 Just directly from drinking themselves to death.

00:29:53.000 Yeah, but that's not even like car-related deaths from alcohol.

00:29:57.000 That's not domestic violence, murder.

00:29:59.000 How many from pot?

00:30:01.000 Zero.

00:30:02.000 Yeah, zero. 1.00

00:30:03.000 There's probably been some people that have done some stupid shit that's caused them to die because they were on pot. 1.00

00:30:07.000 Dabs. 1.00

00:30:08.000 If you smoked pot and then just drove off the fucking bridge because you spaced and you drowned, does pot take that hit? 1.00

00:30:18.000 Are there numbers? 0.99

00:30:19.000 I don't think there are numbers on that.

00:30:21.000 Must be.

00:30:22.000 There must be.

00:30:23.000 Because I've never heard that in all these anti-legalization arguments.

00:30:26.000 I've never heard those numbers.

00:30:28.000 Well, it's probably not nearly as prevalent because it doesn't affect your motor skills the way alcohol does.

00:30:32.000 Everybody knows across the board that if you drink, you get drunk, you're compromised.

00:30:36.000 But pot doesn't really compromise you physically.

00:30:38.000 So the numbers are going to be way different.

00:30:41.000 Alcohol is like 100%.

00:30:42.000 You pull people over and they're drunk, they're not driving as good.

00:30:45.000 It's 100%.

00:30:46.000 If you've had seven drinks and you get in the car, you just don't drive as good as you do when you're sober.

00:30:51.000 It's 100%. 0.99

00:30:52.000 But there's people that can get high as fuck and get in a car and drive excellent. 0.99

00:30:56.000 And there's no issue at all. 0.99

00:30:57.000 I was driving really poorly.

00:31:00.000 On really high.

00:31:01.000 They've actually done studies.

00:31:02.000 They've done tests on people.

00:31:04.000 No recognizable issues, except when they get too high.

00:31:08.000 But these people are probably rookies.

00:31:10.000 They're getting these rookies that don't get high, and they're getting them too high, and they're turning corners, and they panic in the mid-corner.

00:31:16.000 You know what happens when I get really high and I drive?

00:31:18.000 I forget I'm driving for a few minutes.

00:31:21.000 You're driving, and your mind is wandering to something else.

00:31:25.000 You've got the Ben Folds album on.

00:31:30.000 But yeah, that's true.

00:31:32.000 That's scary, too, because you always think, like, what was I doing for, like, the last ten minutes?

00:31:36.000 Was I even, like, awake at this time?

00:31:38.000 Too loud?

00:31:39.000 My headphones went out.

00:31:40.000 Oh, it went out?

00:31:41.000 Yeah.

00:31:42.000 You know that weird thing that people do where you're in the middle of doing something? 0.98

00:31:48.000 You go, whoa, how the fuck did I get here?

00:31:50.000 Like, how did I zone out and autopilot all the way home? 0.98

00:31:54.000 Like, took all the turns, and then you're driving up the street.

00:31:58.000 You mean drunk?

00:31:58.000 No.

00:31:59.000 Just space out, but do everything correctly.

00:31:59.000 Totally sober.

00:32:02.000 I've done that before.

00:32:03.000 I forget why I went into a certain room of my apartment a lot.

00:32:03.000 Oh, I do that.

00:32:08.000 Like, I'll just be like, I gotta go to the kitchen, and I'll be in the kitchen, and I'll be like, What did I need in the kitchen?

00:32:12.000 But you remember walking in there.

00:32:14.000 I guess.

00:32:15.000 Sometimes when I'm driving, I went like miles, and I'm like, oh, I'm already past this spot.

00:32:20.000 Yeah, and it sucks because when you come out of realizing that, you're like, am I still in it?

00:32:24.000 Am I still driving?

00:32:25.000 Like, you're still kind of trying to catch up to the now because you're thinking so much, like trying to figure out what you were doing in the past that you're not even...

00:32:35.000 I mean, in the shower all the time, I'll just shower everything and forget that I've washed anything.

00:32:41.000 I'll be like, did I wash any part of my body?

00:32:43.000 And then all of a sudden I'll be like, oh, I guess.

00:32:46.000 And then I'll just shower again.

00:32:47.000 Or you forgot that you forgot to wash the butthole and then you have to turn the shower back on and have a cold wash.

00:32:51.000 If people who don't smoke pot have these problems.

00:32:53.000 Everybody does.

00:32:54.000 Everybody does.

00:32:54.000 Well, that's one of the things they say to cure Alzheimer's or to prevent it as much as possible.

00:32:59.000 You're supposed to take different routes to work.

00:33:01.000 Supposed to drive different ways.

00:33:03.000 To prevent Alzheimer's?

00:33:04.000 Yeah, not to prevent it, but to slow down the onset if it's coming.

00:33:08.000 They say that when people go and do the same thing every day in the exact same order, there's no unusual input.

00:33:08.000 Oh, if you have it.

00:33:15.000 So your brain just recognizes it almost on a subconscious level and never has to process.

00:33:21.000 Like, I don't have to process.

00:33:22.000 I get this.

00:33:22.000 I get that.

00:33:23.000 So it becomes atrophied.

00:33:25.000 I feel creatively atrophied when I don't meet new people or I don't see a new place.

00:33:25.000 Yeah, I feel that.

00:33:31.000 If you're just seeing the same people every day, you just feel like your mind is dying.

00:33:36.000 Yeah, you get bored.

00:33:38.000 You just get locked into the same experience over and over and over again.

00:33:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:33:42.000 Driving around, I think probably moving to a new fucking place would be really smart for us, too. 0.99

00:33:48.000 I mean, that's what we all were designed for. 0.99

00:33:50.000 We're designed.

00:33:51.000 We're hunter-gatherers.

00:33:52.000 That's our DNA. I think about, too, and you tour all the time, and I travel on the road to do stand-up, and it's like, I wonder what that does to my mind, to have to get used to a city for four days and be alone.

00:34:05.000 Like, that's a weird thing.

00:34:07.000 The alone thing's weird.

00:34:07.000 It's so weird.

00:34:08.000 I go so many days where I don't talk to anyone, and the first time I talk to people is an hour of stand-up.

00:34:15.000 Yeah.

00:34:15.000 Like, that's like crazy.

00:34:17.000 Yeah.

00:34:17.000 What does that do to your brain?

00:34:18.000 It's not good.

00:34:19.000 It can't be, right?

00:34:20.000 Well, a lot of comics get depressed when they do The Road.

00:34:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:24.000 I figured out a way to stop that early.

00:34:26.000 What do you do?

00:34:26.000 Bring your friends.

00:34:28.000 I bring friends on the road with me.

00:34:28.000 I want to.

00:34:30.000 Well, you're at the point where you could get openers.

00:34:32.000 They don't let me bring openers.

00:34:33.000 I did it back then.

00:34:34.000 That's the only way I did it.

00:34:36.000 You demanded it.

00:34:37.000 Yeah, I've been doing it that way since the 90s.

00:34:38.000 It is so much more fun when they let me do it.

00:34:40.000 I just tell them.

00:34:41.000 I go, look, I'm going to bring you a great comic.

00:34:43.000 I'm going to give you a great show.

00:34:44.000 I'll pay for his airfare.

00:34:46.000 I took the hit financially to bring guys out.

00:34:49.000 It's way better.

00:34:51.000 There's a difference between making 500 extra bucks and being miserable and lonely or having 500 less bucks and hanging out with your friend.

00:34:59.000 And it's good for them, too, because it gives these guys who might be landlocked in L.A. I take them on the road, expose them to these clubs, and they kill.

00:35:07.000 Like Hinchcliffe, I took him to the comedy works in Denver, and then he got booked as a headliner after he opened for me.

00:35:13.000 So it was like, you can do that, and you can get guys in the door that way, too.

00:35:19.000 Yeah, it's great.

00:35:20.000 I love to bring people.

00:35:22.000 You've just got to force your agent into doing it for you.

00:35:25.000 Just tell them, this is the show. 1.00

00:35:26.000 It just keeps you from just needing to masturbate all day. 1.00

00:35:30.000 All day, man. 0.99

00:35:31.000 That's where you're wrong.

00:35:32.000 It doesn't keep you from doing that.

00:35:34.000 That's where you're wrong.

00:35:36.000 You're going to do it anyway.

00:35:37.000 Hey, man, I forgot something back in my room.

00:35:39.000 Guy's knocking on your door ten minutes later.

00:35:41.000 Are we still going to have lunch?

00:35:43.000 Hey, I'm still...

00:35:44.000 I can't find...

00:35:48.000 I went back to the Fleshlight the other day, and I was like, why did I leave this?

00:35:52.000 This is way better.

00:35:53.000 I've never done a Fleshlight.

00:35:56.000 Yeah, we used to have it as a sponsor.

00:35:57.000 Oh, I never.

00:35:58.000 One of our earliest sponsors.

00:35:59.000 Can I get one?

00:36:00.000 Are they expensive?

00:36:02.000 We had a box of them.

00:36:03.000 Do we still have a box from here?

00:36:04.000 Did I bring a box in?

00:36:07.000 Yeah?

00:36:08.000 See if you can find one for them.

00:36:09.000 Did you see that video where they interviewed the girl who's the model for the Fleshlight?

00:36:12.000 The model.

00:36:14.000 There's like a hundred models.

00:36:15.000 Are there?

00:36:15.000 I don't know.

00:36:16.000 Maybe they lied about that, but they said it was her vagina. 1.00

00:36:19.000 Oh, she's probably shit. 1.00

00:36:20.000 It doesn't look like a vagina in there. 1.00

00:36:21.000 It looks like some sort of an octopus thing. 0.98

00:36:23.000 I think she's like Romanian or something.

00:36:24.000 She's like, I'm so proud. 1.00

00:36:26.000 It's my vagina. 1.00

00:36:28.000 That was one of those local news pieces where they go, this is what we're going to tell you. 0.99

00:36:31.000 We're going to tell you that the fleshlight is the 10th anniversary of being modeled.

00:36:35.000 There you go.

00:36:36.000 Oh, that's the good one.

00:36:36.000 He's got one for you.

00:36:37.000 It looks like a beer can, so you can just keep it in the fridge.

00:36:40.000 Look at this.

00:36:41.000 Look at those lips.

00:36:41.000 That's a mouth one, too.

00:36:42.000 Oh, it's a mouth one? 0.90

00:36:43.000 Rubber mouth. 0.52

00:36:45.000 It looks like a can.

00:36:46.000 I literally had some sponsors or some guests that told me, I can't be on an episode where you do that.

00:36:52.000 Like Sam Harris, first time he came on.

00:36:55.000 It was like one of the stipulations.

00:36:57.000 What?

00:36:57.000 We couldn't have that as a sponsor on the episode that he was on.

00:37:00.000 Why? 0.99

00:37:01.000 Because he didn't want to be associated with a rubber vagina. 1.00

00:37:04.000 Why? 1.00

00:37:05.000 That's so crazy.

00:37:06.000 Because he's a neuroscientist and an author and a respected intellectual.

00:37:09.000 Oh, that's crazy.

00:37:10.000 Couldn't you just not do it on that episode then?

00:37:13.000 That's what I did.

00:37:14.000 That's what I did.

00:37:15.000 Do you miss them?

00:37:15.000 I miss them.

00:37:16.000 What?

00:37:17.000 You miss who?

00:37:18.000 Fleshlight.

00:37:18.000 They were so fun to talk about all the time.

00:37:20.000 No, I don't miss.

00:37:21.000 We said as much as we could have ever said.

00:37:23.000 What would you say is the biggest advantage to using a flashlight?

00:37:25.000 It doesn't feel like your hand.

00:37:27.000 It feels like...

00:37:27.000 I mean, if you put the right lotion on it, it actually feels pretty good.

00:37:30.000 It's crazy.

00:37:31.000 I haven't done it in a long time, so I was like, oh my god, this is...

00:37:36.000 It just got grossed out a little bit.

00:37:38.000 You should.

00:37:39.000 It's gross.

00:37:40.000 I just felt a little gross.

00:37:42.000 They designed some sort of a rubbery, I don't know what they actually use.

00:37:47.000 It's almost like a food-based thing.

00:37:49.000 I think it's like gelatin-based.

00:37:50.000 But it feels like human flesh.

00:37:52.000 It's way better than your hand.

00:37:54.000 Because your hand, you feel.

00:37:56.000 I know.

00:37:56.000 Your hand sends signals.

00:37:58.000 I do have times where I'm like, there needs to be more.

00:38:01.000 I need more out of this.

00:38:03.000 I don't know what I need to do differently.

00:38:05.000 That's a commitment, though. 1.00

00:38:06.000 Fuck that thing. 1.00

00:38:07.000 Because you've got to wash it afterwards. 1.00

00:38:09.000 You feel like a loser. 0.82

00:38:11.000 You've got to wash it! 1.00

00:38:13.000 You shoot a load into this fucking rubber tube. 1.00

00:38:16.000 You're like, what is wrong with me? 1.00

00:38:18.000 I just want to get to the point financially where I can just throw it out.

00:38:21.000 You can totally do that.

00:38:22.000 And just get a new one.

00:38:23.000 How much did they cost?

00:38:24.000 Well, they're like $50.

00:38:25.000 That's rich to me.

00:38:26.000 They're pretty expensive.

00:38:26.000 But when we were getting them for free, I used to do that.

00:38:29.000 I got crazy.

00:38:30.000 I'd be like, I'll just leave it on the nightstand, and then two days later, I'm like, you know what?

00:38:34.000 I'm just throwing this away. 0.98

00:38:35.000 Yeah, you don't want to watch four-day-old cum out of your fleshlight. 1.00

00:38:38.000 I'll just have my girlfriend do it. 1.00

00:38:41.000 I'll just hire a housekeeper. 1.00

00:38:42.000 No, no, no, you don't have to vacuum.

00:38:43.000 Just the flashlight.

00:38:44.000 Just clean these things.

00:38:46.000 There's a box of them.

00:38:47.000 There's like a hamper full by the bed.

00:38:49.000 There's a great video in like, I think it's like local news in China, where they see one of these in like a puddle of water and they think it's a new fish.

00:38:57.000 That they've discovered a species of fish.

00:38:57.000 Oh yeah, yeah.

00:38:59.000 Yeah, that was hilarious.

00:39:00.000 I don't believe that.

00:39:02.000 I think that's another one of those marketing things.

00:39:02.000 It's true, man.

00:39:04.000 He says it, it's true. 0.63

00:39:05.000 No, it was on the news.

00:39:07.000 That's how I found out it was on the news.

00:39:09.000 Oh, well, it was on the news.

00:39:10.000 It has to be true.

00:39:11.000 When you see it, though, it looks like a fish.

00:39:13.000 There's no way.

00:39:14.000 There's the photo of HIV. Whoa.

00:39:17.000 HIV looks like weed.

00:39:18.000 Hold on, back up.

00:39:19.000 Did you pull that up earlier?

00:39:19.000 It does.

00:39:21.000 I asked him to, yeah.

00:39:22.000 Yeah, I didn't see that.

00:39:23.000 I wasn't looking.

00:39:24.000 That's what HIV looks like.

00:39:26.000 Did you show us this, Jamie?

00:39:27.000 Yeah, they took that photo.

00:39:28.000 The one on the bottom left looks like weed.

00:39:31.000 They do, they do.

00:39:32.000 Oh my god, it looks exactly like weed.

00:39:34.000 AIDS is weed.

00:39:35.000 That's how they convince the other cells to attach it.

00:39:38.000 They're like, it's just weed, man.

00:39:39.000 It looks like the geodome that Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin were in, but it's covered by weed donuts.

00:39:46.000 Wow.

00:39:47.000 It's covered by, like, fleshlights.

00:39:48.000 Remember Biodome?

00:39:49.000 Yeah.

00:39:50.000 That's like their Biodome, but it's green.

00:39:53.000 Oh my god.

00:39:54.000 Look at the one up top.

00:39:55.000 Look at the one above that, Jamie.

00:39:57.000 Go up there.

00:39:57.000 That one with the blue strings.

00:39:59.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:40:00.000 Why is that one so different looking? 1.00

00:40:02.000 I don't know.

00:40:03.000 Smoke age.

00:40:03.000 What said that in the article, it said HIV is evolving?

00:40:06.000 What is it saying, Jamie?

00:40:08.000 That's crazy.

00:40:09.000 Click on it again.

00:40:10.000 Evolving to be less deadly.

00:40:11.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:40:12.000 That's fascinating.

00:40:13.000 Because it likes us.

00:40:13.000 Why?

00:40:15.000 He's tired of being rude. 1.00

00:40:17.000 He's tired of killing all those nice gay people. 1.00

00:40:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:40:18.000 They're becoming more PC. Well, I realize there's just less flair in the world when all those gay people start dropping like flies. 1.00

00:40:24.000 Well, to be honest, the guy that wrote this article only has one eye so maybe he read something wrong. 0.99

00:40:27.000 Yeah.

00:40:28.000 And he's a contributor.

00:40:29.000 He's not a writer.

00:40:29.000 Yeah, he's not a writer.

00:40:30.000 Oh.

00:40:31.000 Well, let's see the image.

00:40:32.000 Look at the image of that thing.

00:40:34.000 God.

00:40:35.000 It's crazy.

00:40:37.000 Organisms like that, like diseases.

00:40:38.000 This is a weird article.

00:40:39.000 So terrifying.

00:40:40.000 Because there are these thoughtless little life forms that will take over your life and, on a huge percentage of people, kill them. 0.99

00:40:50.000 You know, like, the amount of flu deaths every year?

00:40:53.000 You ever pay attention to the amount of flu deaths?

00:40:55.000 Yeah, it's a lot. 1.00

00:40:55.000 It should scare the fucking shit out of you. 1.00

00:40:57.000 I've never gotten a flu shot, though, and I've never gotten the flu. 1.00

00:40:59.000 What?

00:41:00.000 Never had the flu?

00:41:01.000 Never ever had the flu.

00:41:01.000 Never?

00:41:02.000 That's amazing.

00:41:03.000 What do you eat?

00:41:03.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:41:04.000 Are you, like, super healthy with your diet?

00:41:06.000 No.

00:41:06.000 I'm actually the opposite.

00:41:07.000 I'm very, very unhealthy in my diet.

00:41:09.000 That's amazing.

00:41:10.000 I never got the flu.

00:41:11.000 Never got a flu shot, either.

00:41:12.000 Dude, so much to bottle you.

00:41:13.000 I wonder what that is.

00:41:15.000 You have excellent genes, probably.

00:41:16.000 You have an excellent immune system.

00:41:18.000 What are you?

00:41:19.000 I'm HPV. I'm a human pussy wart. 1.00

00:41:25.000 What nationality are you? 0.99

00:41:27.000 My mom was born in Israel.

00:41:29.000 And my dad is just like...

00:41:31.000 Party stock.

00:41:32.000 ...American, weird.

00:41:32.000 Can't be that then.

00:41:34.000 Yeah, I don't know what it is.

00:41:35.000 No.

00:41:36.000 Because my parents have gotten the flu a bunch of times.

00:41:38.000 Israelis, that's some healthy stock, man. 0.98

00:41:40.000 Those are survivors. 1.00

00:41:41.000 There's some tough fucking people come out of Israel. 1.00

00:41:44.000 Tough women. 1.00

00:41:45.000 Yeah, very different than what we associate with American Jewish women. 1.00

00:41:49.000 The stereotype is what?

00:41:51.000 Kind of whiny and like, Herman, where are you?

00:41:56.000 You're going to make us late.

00:41:58.000 Very motherly.

00:41:59.000 Israeli women are just very much like, I'm right, you're wrong. 1.00

00:42:02.000 There's the commercial.

00:42:05.000 I am so not buying this at all. 1.00

00:42:08.000 Not even for a fucking supper. 0.99

00:42:10.000 If you listen to it... 1.00

00:42:11.000 The fact that this guy doesn't know that that's rubber...

00:42:13.000 They thought it was some sort of squid or something. 1.00

00:42:15.000 He's either completely retarded or this is bullshit. 1.00

00:42:18.000 And I'm going with this is bull... 1.00

00:42:19.000 Look, they're measuring it.

00:42:20.000 They're measuring it.

00:42:20.000 This is a joke.

00:42:22.000 This is a joke. 1.00

00:42:23.000 This guy's an idiot. 1.00

00:42:24.000 Look at these people. 1.00

00:42:26.000 These are like backcountry people.

00:42:28.000 Look at her.

00:42:29.000 She's on TV. Look at her. 0.96

00:42:31.000 And that's sewer grease that they have it in.

00:42:33.000 Dude, this is like their version of some parody show.

00:42:35.000 Sewer oil that they use?

00:42:36.000 Gutter oil.

00:42:37.000 Gutter oil.

00:42:38.000 That's great. 1.00

00:42:39.000 Yeah, I don't buy it for a fucking second. 0.99

00:42:42.000 It's got like warts on it? 0.99

00:42:43.000 It's hit the road. 1.00

00:42:44.000 That's not warts, that's shit. 1.00

00:42:46.000 That's been worn hard. 0.99

00:42:49.000 That's amazing that you've never had the flu.

00:42:51.000 I don't think I've ever met anybody.

00:42:52.000 I've never had it.

00:42:55.000 Yeah, I just, I really, now I can't get flu shots, I feel like.

00:42:58.000 I feel like if I get a flu shot, I'm just going to get the flu.

00:43:01.000 Well, I don't think you need to get a flu shot.

00:43:02.000 And the flu shots are tricky because they're very, like, this year was particularly ineffective.

00:43:07.000 Like, even my doctor was mocking it this year.

00:43:09.000 Because it's so strong now?

00:43:11.000 No, it's just they've failed.

00:43:13.000 It's like they make these calculations based on whatever strains are out there, and then they develop a vaccine for that strain of the flu.

00:43:20.000 But this year was completely ineffective.

00:43:22.000 It's only effective in 20% of the cases.

00:43:25.000 So a lot of people that got the flu shot still wound up getting the flu.

00:43:29.000 People I know that got the flu shot.

00:43:30.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:31.000 I mean, there's no guarantee. 0.98

00:43:32.000 But here's one thing you should fucking do, folks. 0.99

00:43:34.000 Get goddamn vaccinated. 0.99

00:43:36.000 There's a measles outbreak at Disneyland. 1.00

00:43:39.000 Because these fucking people think that you don't have to vaccinate your kids. 1.00

00:43:44.000 There's other protocols. 1.00

00:43:45.000 Maybe you might think that giving your kid 26 injections when they're born is kind of fucked up. 0.99

00:43:50.000 And there's doctors that agree with you. 0.98

00:43:52.000 But there's almost no doctors that agree that you should never get vaccinated.

00:43:57.000 What's their reason?

00:43:57.000 Why?

00:43:58.000 People don't want vaccines. 0.84

00:44:00.000 But there's certain drugs, like polio and shit like that, that's been almost completely eradicated because of vaccines. 0.83

00:44:07.000 Like, there's real science behind vaccines. 0.94

00:44:09.000 Yeah, I hear polio's making a comeback, too.

00:44:11.000 Yeah, I heard polio's coming back as well.

00:44:13.000 I heard polio's coming back.

00:44:14.000 And all this is because people don't want to vaccinate their kids.

00:44:17.000 They don't want to vaccinate.

00:44:18.000 You know?

00:44:19.000 It's so easy.

00:44:20.000 It's so quick.

00:44:21.000 And it's like...

00:44:22.000 It's so weird, man.

00:44:23.000 Oh, because of autism?

00:44:24.000 Didn't someone say you get autism from Jay McCartney?

00:44:26.000 Well, there's some people that believe that.

00:44:27.000 Yeah.

00:44:28.000 There's also some people that...

00:44:29.000 Well, here's what's crazy.

00:44:32.000 There's people that could eat certain foods that you would have no problem with and they get really sick.

00:44:37.000 Like, people that have nut allergies.

00:44:39.000 Like, my kid goes to school and they make sure you have, like, we are a no-nut school. 1.00

00:44:45.000 They have, like, you can't bring nuts in your food.

00:44:48.000 You can't bring, like, snacks that have nuts in them. 1.00

00:44:51.000 You can't do it because some kids, they'll eat those fucking things and they just die. 0.98

00:44:56.000 So some people, if you inject the same thing in a thousand people, you might have 999 people that have zero problem with it at all, but one person has a real reaction. 0.99

00:45:06.000 And the question becomes, do we change this drug that's so beneficial to all the 999 people because one person has an adverse reaction, one biological anomaly as it were?

00:45:20.000 No, you can't.

00:45:21.000 I mean, obviously you can't.

00:45:22.000 That's what doctors are running into. 0.97

00:45:24.000 And then there's also, there's a lot of suspicion of pharmacological greed. 0.96

00:45:28.000 You know, these people that are making the money, these pharmacy companies, that they're just greedy as fuck and they want, you can get by with like three injections, but they want you to get 20 because the amount of money that they'll earn is substantially more if you get 20. If you mandate that every kid has to get 20 injections. 0.97

00:45:43.000 Yeah, I mean, it's crazy to me that people are just, like, not doing it.

00:45:47.000 It's so scary, because these, you know, you could get, like, a serious disease that we've eradicated, it could get hold again, and then if enough people are not vaccinated against that disease, it could be a fucking real issue. 0.98

00:46:01.000 Diseases are fucking terrifying, man. 0.97

00:46:04.000 That's scary. 0.99

00:46:05.000 I didn't have anything about diseases.

00:46:07.000 I never was worried about them. 0.52

00:46:08.000 I got an AIDS test in 1994 and I was shitting my pants. 0.98

00:46:12.000 Shitting my pants. 0.94

00:46:13.000 I can't believe that I've gone this long without major problems. 0.99

00:46:16.000 Do you ever think about that?

00:46:18.000 Like how crazy it is that we can go this long without getting something crazy?

00:46:22.000 Yeah.

00:46:23.000 Like Ebola or some sort of weird cancer that no one's heard of.

00:46:28.000 What I was going to say is I never had a problem with it until I did this TV show and I talked to this Russian guy who worked in the biological weapons department in the Soviet Union where they had trenches filled with anthrax. 0.72

00:46:40.000 And all these people that are virus experts, we went to the What is it called? 0.68

00:46:47.000 The Center for CDC down in Galveston, Texas, where they have four-foot-thick walls, and they have all the worst hemorrhagic viruses contained in that lab where they study them and try to devise vaccines and shit for them. 0.97

00:46:59.000 Crazy spacesuits. 0.90

00:47:00.000 Every room has vacuums in the ceiling that pull all the air out of it in case anything...

00:47:05.000 I mean, I've seen the movie Outbreak.

00:47:07.000 I know. 0.99

00:47:08.000 They're not afraid of anything other than natural shit. 0.99

00:47:11.000 They're afraid of diseases. 0.99

00:47:12.000 They're afraid of diseases that just emerge on their own, out of nowhere, and their thought is, it's just a matter of time.

00:47:18.000 Like, we're running, and there's like a wave behind us that's gonna hit.

00:47:21.000 It's just gonna hit.

00:47:22.000 But see then, it's like, what should you get afraid of?

00:47:25.000 That?

00:47:25.000 You can't do anything about that.

00:47:27.000 So what?

00:47:28.000 Like, I wish, I mean, I wish I was more concerned about stuff like that.

00:47:31.000 Like, it's just so crazy that I can't even, like, what would I do?

00:47:35.000 What would I do to prevent it?

00:47:35.000 Well, because it's not happening.

00:47:37.000 Just wear a mask like a Japanese tourist? 1.00

00:47:40.000 Well, you have a good immune system, obviously, if you've never gotten the flu.

00:47:43.000 Have you ever had a high temperature?

00:47:44.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:47:45.000 Have you ever shit while having a high temperature? 0.99

00:47:47.000 I used to get a lot of stomach viruses. 0.99

00:47:49.000 I used to get a lot of those.

00:47:51.000 I don't know why.

00:47:52.000 But yeah, never the flu.

00:47:54.000 It's amazing.

00:47:54.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:47:56.000 Yeah, I'm terrified.

00:47:57.000 And now I feel like I'm jinxing it.

00:47:58.000 No, you'll be fine.

00:48:00.000 Just stay positive.

00:48:02.000 Eat oranges and stay positive.

00:48:04.000 Someone's going to want to give me the flu now.

00:48:06.000 They're going to get really mad. 0.87

00:48:07.000 It's just weird that we share this earth with these little aliens that want to kill us.

00:48:12.000 I mean, that's really what they are.

00:48:13.000 It's weird biological things you can't even see. 1.00

00:48:16.000 And we want to kill them. 1.00

00:48:17.000 It's a war. 1.00

00:48:18.000 It's a war going on, man.

00:48:19.000 It's a crazy war.

00:48:20.000 When they win, they take over your body and it decomposes.

00:48:24.000 They literally eat your body. 1.00

00:48:26.000 That's what's so fucked up about it. 1.00

00:48:27.000 Right. 0.99

00:48:27.000 When they win, it's like a bonanza. 0.99

00:48:31.000 It's a fine dance.

00:48:33.000 They take it.

00:48:34.000 Because the best way to spread is to don't kill them quick. 0.99

00:48:38.000 You've got to kill them slowly so they spit on everything and cough on everybody on the subway. 0.99

00:48:43.000 That's how you spread. 1.00

00:48:44.000 But the real motherfucker disease is they're like dudes who are like two-pump chumps. 0.99

00:48:48.000 Like, I can't wait! 1.00

00:48:50.000 They can't help themselves. 1.00

00:48:52.000 They just want to kill you quick.

00:48:54.000 There's some strains of the flu that literally aren't as deadly.

00:48:57.000 Because they kill you so quick.

00:48:59.000 They can't get as many people.

00:49:01.000 What's the craziest disease they've discovered?

00:49:03.000 Is it still anthrax?

00:49:04.000 Like, what's the craziest, meanest?

00:49:06.000 Well, hemorrhagic viruses are the scariest.

00:49:09.000 Like, they're just, you're like, in a day you're gone.

00:49:11.000 But Ebola, you could still, I know people had Ebola and they were just like, well, I got fever and then I went to the doctor and like...

00:49:18.000 If you get it quick enough.

00:49:19.000 If they catch what it is quick enough and they get you to a real hospital in America, land of the free, home of the brave.

00:49:25.000 But if you're in Africa...

00:49:26.000 Wait, where?

00:49:27.000 That's right here.

00:49:28.000 Oh, America.

00:49:28.000 Right here.

00:49:29.000 American sniper.

00:49:30.000 Sorry, sorry.

00:49:31.000 Respect. 1.00

00:49:32.000 But if you're in a thatch hut roof place in fucking Bangladesh and they tell you you have Ebola, you're going to be shitting your pants. 0.99

00:49:40.000 They're going to rummage through their Tupperware looking for medicine. 1.00

00:49:43.000 No, we got nothing.

00:49:45.000 Pop the top on these things.

00:49:47.000 Look for something they could fix you with.

00:49:49.000 Nope, nothing.

00:49:50.000 Not gonna happen.

00:49:51.000 Chickens are running around on the floor in front of you.

00:49:54.000 I've seen chickens in Little Armenia, in Hollywood, running around.

00:49:58.000 How are your chickens?

00:49:59.000 Any new chicken stories? 0.94

00:50:01.000 No, I gotta hire someone to kill the coyote.

00:50:04.000 You have chickens?

00:50:04.000 Yeah, I used to have 24. You live on a farm or something?

00:50:07.000 No, I just have a big piece of property.

00:50:09.000 I have a big chicken house.

00:50:09.000 That's great.

00:50:10.000 That's my dream, man.

00:50:11.000 It's great.

00:50:12.000 I eat fresh eggs every morning.

00:50:13.000 That's the dream.

00:50:14.000 Yeah, they're like a dark orange egg, too.

00:50:17.000 They're delicious eggs.

00:50:18.000 That is the dream, man.

00:50:19.000 I want to get a plot of land.

00:50:20.000 I want to make food on it.

00:50:22.000 Yeah.

00:50:23.000 I've been doing that over the last few years.

00:50:25.000 You're ready, man.

00:50:26.000 If things go down, if the infrastructure implodes, you're like...

00:50:29.000 You're not, though.

00:50:30.000 You could do it.

00:50:31.000 No, because then you're dealing with all these other people that aren't ready.

00:50:33.000 But then you're dealing with all these people that aren't ready.

00:50:33.000 More than I could.

00:50:36.000 So what are you going to do?

00:50:36.000 You're going to be the only guy by yourself with a shotgun and all these people are starving?

00:50:40.000 No, you're going to give them food and you're going to run dry and it's going to suck for everybody involved. 1.00

00:50:45.000 You're better off if an asteroid hits if it hits your fucking head. 0.99

00:50:48.000 You know, you don't want to be, like, in the outskirts. 1.00

00:50:50.000 You don't want to be the guy who's done. 0.98

00:50:51.000 The guy living up there, you know, in the remnants of a fucking shattered world. 0.96

00:50:55.000 I don't think I mean that apocalyptic. 0.97

00:50:57.000 I think I'm talking about, like, you know...

00:50:59.000 Power outage.

00:50:59.000 You know, what if food becomes...

00:51:01.000 I mean, food is going to be scarce at some point, right?

00:51:03.000 There's going to...

00:51:04.000 Why?

00:51:05.000 Everyone's talking about the agricultural meltdown.

00:51:07.000 Like, you know, we're not going to be able to take crops and, like...

00:51:10.000 People are going to be, like, killing each other for food, right?

00:51:10.000 I don't buy it.

00:51:12.000 I don't buy it.

00:51:13.000 I think they're just not paying as much attention to crops as they would if they had to pay more attention.

00:51:13.000 No.

00:51:18.000 It's the same thing we were talking about earlier.

00:51:20.000 I think that, you know, you don't think about it because you don't have to think about it.

00:51:24.000 But if it became a real issue and the government started putting massive amounts of resources to growing crops for all the country, they put their funds into that.

00:51:32.000 Halliburton gets behind it.

00:51:34.000 They have giant government contracts to grow crops. 0.99

00:51:36.000 You'd have fucking crops growing everywhere. 0.99

00:51:38.000 They would take a pipeline. 1.00

00:51:40.000 They could take a pipeline from Alaska, right?

00:51:42.000 They could take oil.

00:51:42.000 They'd bring it all the way down to Arkansas.

00:51:44.000 How come they can't do that with water?

00:51:45.000 Well, they can.

00:51:46.000 Of course they could.

00:51:47.000 And if they wanted to do that...

00:51:48.000 I feel like the whole water thing is like, there's gotta be a way.

00:51:52.000 There's got to be a way to desalinate, right? 0.55

00:51:54.000 Eventually.

00:51:55.000 Yeah, we talked about that a couple weeks ago. 0.98

00:51:57.000 Apparently it's stupid expensive, and it's not that efficient yet. 0.98

00:52:00.000 But one day, yeah, someone's going to figure out a way to do it in a way that makes sense. 0.99

00:52:04.000 They're going to make money off of it.

00:52:06.000 I don't think we're going to run out of food.

00:52:08.000 I think we're going to run out of space.

00:52:09.000 We're going to run out of resources, and we're going to run out of air. 0.95

00:52:12.000 We're going to fuck the air up. 0.57

00:52:14.000 That's a real issue.

00:52:16.000 You look at graphs of population, and from...

00:52:19.000 The time of Jesus, or even before the time of cavemen, there's been this steady graph.

00:52:25.000 And then all of a sudden the Industrial Revolution happens and it's like spikes.

00:52:28.000 And we have so many more people than we can handle.

00:52:32.000 There's got to be something, right?

00:52:33.000 I don't understand things, but I feel like...

00:52:36.000 I'm not speaking out of any expertise, but something's going to happen, right?

00:52:41.000 Well, there's definitely a pattern.

00:52:42.000 There's definitely a pattern of abuse and overuse and gluttony.

00:52:46.000 And, you know, pollution of the ocean, pollution of the air.

00:52:49.000 But if they figure it out...

00:52:51.000 This is a depressing podcast.

00:52:52.000 No, but it's not, because I think when people have their back up against the wall, that's when they're forced to innovate.

00:52:57.000 When they literally are forced.

00:52:58.000 Just like all these other things we've been talking about.

00:53:00.000 When you're forced to recognize the fact that we're running out of food, then the government figures out how to step in and ensure the fact that people get food.

00:53:07.000 I think there's going to come a point in time where there's no such thing as waste.

00:53:10.000 That waste is going to equal energy.

00:53:13.000 And they'll be able to...

00:53:14.000 Like right now, if you take...

00:53:16.000 There's new cars that are so good at emissions that when they're driving through a polluted area, like they were driving through Mexico City, the air that comes out of the car is actually cleaner than the air that goes in.

00:53:28.000 That's a fact.

00:53:29.000 Whoa.

00:53:30.000 Yeah, there's German cars that do that.

00:53:31.000 The Porsche 911 Turbo, in fact. 0.99

00:53:34.000 When you drive through Los Angeles, if you're driving through downtown, it's thick with fucking stinky smog. 0.98

00:53:40.000 The air coming out of the exhaust pipes is better to fucking breathe than the air that it's taking in on its intake. 0.99

00:53:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:53:48.000 That's nuts. 0.98

00:53:49.000 So, it's going to come a point in time where they can figure out how to use that shitty air. 0.95

00:53:54.000 Like, use the carbon dioxide and the carbon monoxide in the air for fuel.

00:53:59.000 They just need to figure out how to extract it.

00:54:01.000 Like, right now, what we're doing is, like, there's a two-step process.

00:54:05.000 You know, you make something, and there's, like, a waste product.

00:54:10.000 But that waste product, it's really almost an engineering issue.

00:54:14.000 It's almost like once we innovate to a point where whatever that stuff is...

00:54:18.000 Everything will be sustainable and renewable?

00:54:21.000 Yeah, like nuclear waste or gasoline.

00:54:23.000 Okay, here's a perfect example.

00:54:24.000 People that live by airplanes, anybody who lives by airports, significant amount of people suffer lung damage.

00:54:31.000 They have lung disease, asthma.

00:54:33.000 It's pretty significant.

00:54:34.000 You should never live near an airport, major airports especially. 1.00

00:54:38.000 Well, there's some shit that you're breathing in, right? 0.99

00:54:41.000 Well, why is it out there? 1.00

00:54:42.000 How do you get it?

00:54:44.000 What is that stuff?

00:54:46.000 Is it flammable?

00:54:47.000 Can it be used as fuel?

00:54:49.000 Can it be extracted from the air?

00:54:51.000 It's methane, right? 0.99

00:54:51.000 I don't know what the fuck it is. 0.99

00:54:52.000 There is methane, but that's biological. 0.99

00:54:53.000 What about the fact that there's Wi-Fi waves and cellular waves all over everywhere?

00:54:59.000 That's true, too.

00:55:00.000 There's so much stuff that we...

00:55:02.000 We create that is bad for us.

00:55:05.000 Well, that's not necessarily true.

00:55:06.000 I don't think they've ever proven that Wi-Fi is bad for you or that cellular is bad for you.

00:55:11.000 It just feels bad.

00:55:12.000 It's bad for bugs.

00:55:13.000 It's really bad for bees.

00:55:15.000 Is it?

00:55:16.000 Yeah, it's really bad for bees. 0.95

00:55:17.000 Bees, apparently, their communication system gets completely fucked up by Wi-Fi and by cellular networks. 0.92

00:55:23.000 It's like they're hearing a next-door neighbor that won't stop banging and it never goes away. 0.99

00:55:27.000 They can live, but they're like... 1.00

00:55:31.000 Everywhere around them is people, LOL, you know, fucking texting. 0.99

00:55:35.000 Yeah, they just hear everything we're saying. 0.99

00:55:37.000 They probably don't just hear it, it's sending.

00:55:39.000 They hear all the porn we're watching on the internet.

00:55:41.000 They hear, like, everything through the airwaves.

00:55:43.000 When you send a text, it's like...

00:55:45.000 Jesus.

00:55:46.000 Everywhere.

00:55:48.000 It's flying around.

00:55:50.000 You ever go somewhere that has no cell phone, no Wi-Fi?

00:55:54.000 It feels so quiet.

00:55:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:56.000 It feels amazing.

00:55:57.000 Yeah, because I've actually, only in the last year, I've made a point of being away from my phone.

00:56:02.000 Like, totally away from my phone.

00:56:04.000 Not just in the other room, but, like, if I go on a hike, I leave the phone in the car.

00:56:08.000 Because, like, we are never alone.

00:56:10.000 We're never, like, unreachable.

00:56:12.000 It's true.

00:56:13.000 Even if you're alone, you're not alone because you're like, oh, let me check out what friends are tweeting at me.

00:56:19.000 You should just turn it off, though, if you're going on a hike, because then that mountain line is going to be...

00:56:23.000 But even if I turn it off, I feel like I still have the option.

00:56:27.000 I just want to be totally away from it, and it feels great.

00:56:30.000 And then I get back and I'm like, ooh, I have like four emails.

00:56:34.000 Yeah, I know what you mean.

00:56:35.000 Isn't it funny?

00:56:36.000 We're so scared to be away from our phone.

00:56:38.000 Like, something bad's gonna happen.

00:56:39.000 Like, how often do you actually need your phone?

00:56:42.000 What's gonna happen?

00:56:42.000 No.

00:56:42.000 Is it?

00:56:43.000 So rarely do you actually need it to stay alive.

00:56:46.000 So rarely.

00:56:46.000 Right, right.

00:56:47.000 True. 0.98

00:56:47.000 But, like, if you go on a hike, you're like, Paul, I better bring the fucking phone just to get this. 0.98

00:56:51.000 Yeah, I need photos. 0.82

00:56:51.000 How many times have you hiked? 0.82

00:56:52.000 You hike a hundred times, nothing happens.

00:56:54.000 You'll be fine.

00:56:55.000 Yeah.

00:56:55.000 I've never.

00:56:56.000 I've never been attacked on a hike.

00:56:58.000 Well, when I lived in Colorado, I used to pack heat.

00:57:00.000 I used to walk carrying a gun.

00:57:02.000 With a gun?

00:57:02.000 Yeah.

00:57:03.000 That would drive me crazy.

00:57:04.000 Well, I was walking in these mountain lion-infested woods. 1.00

00:57:07.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:57:08.000 And even if they don't kill people all the time, if you were there, like the guy in Cupertino where his son got attacked by a mountain lion, If that guy had a gun, he could have shot it, not even at the animal, just shot it near the animal, and that thing would run, and you're done. 1.00

00:57:23.000 It's over.

00:57:25.000 They hear a boom! 0.99

00:57:26.000 They're like, they fucking just take off. 0.99

00:57:28.000 It freaks them out. 0.99

00:57:29.000 But how often does your kid get attacked by a mountain lion?

00:57:31.000 If you live in Cupertino, and you're that guy, and you're walking down that road, and it happens, all those numbers are not comforting.

00:57:38.000 It doesn't matter.

00:57:40.000 100% of the time, that guy's son has been attacked.

00:57:43.000 The wife is screaming, why didn't you bring your gun? 1.00

00:57:46.000 How often does it happen? 1.00

00:57:47.000 It fucking happened! 1.00

00:57:48.000 It fucking happened! 1.00

00:57:50.000 It happens, but I mean... 1.00

00:57:51.000 Billy's got a chunk taken out of his ass. 1.00

00:57:54.000 Forever. 1.00

00:57:55.000 He's gonna be that boy in the locker room they make fun of. 1.00

00:57:58.000 You know those fake asses where they take the fat from other parts of their body and they put it in the butt? 1.00

00:58:04.000 Is that real? 1.00

00:58:05.000 It started in Colombia, I believe, or Brazil.

00:58:05.000 Yeah, it's real.

00:58:08.000 Most Colombians or Brazilians, girls, have that. 1.00

00:58:12.000 No, it's not most.

00:58:12.000 That's how common it is.

00:58:13.000 It's not most.

00:58:14.000 It's pretty common.

00:58:14.000 Well, it's not most.

00:58:15.000 More than half?

00:58:16.000 Well, Google it.

00:58:16.000 It's pretty common.

00:58:18.000 It's pretty common.

00:58:18.000 You have a better computer.

00:58:19.000 Just Google it. 0.99

00:58:20.000 So they take fat out of their boobs? 1.00

00:58:24.000 Jamie, you might even be able to find this, but they take it out of their side and they put it in their butt, but lately they've been noticing that the fat doesn't take and it goes down their legs and it makes their ankles super fat.

00:58:37.000 And so people in Colombia wear these like...

00:58:40.000 Like Ugg boots type things are really popular because so many girls have had this problem. 1.00

00:58:45.000 It goes down to their ankles?

00:58:47.000 This sounds like little kid science.

00:58:47.000 Yeah.

00:58:49.000 Their butt doesn't taste it. 0.99

00:58:50.000 That's everything that he does. 0.99

00:58:51.000 Yeah. 0.92

00:58:54.000 Columbia butt fat ankles. 0.80

00:58:56.000 Little kid science, exactly. 0.93

00:58:58.000 Columbia butt locks for whatever.

00:59:02.000 So what...

00:59:03.000 I would just take...

00:59:04.000 I know that they're doing fat transplantation to the buttocks and legs for aesthetic enhancement.

00:59:10.000 If you Google anything, you'll find it.

00:59:12.000 Long-term results.

00:59:15.000 Wow.

00:59:16.000 The result of the buttock augmentation showed that there are 0.5 to 1.0 centimeter reduction at two months.

00:59:24.000 They're just talking about the efficacy.

00:59:24.000 Oh, okay.

00:59:26.000 Conclusion.

00:59:27.000 The hypothesis is that fat applied grafts are real grafts It was demonstrated.

00:59:33.000 Not only are the graphs real, but they are able to live and persist with the patients growing if the patient gained weight to the glutes area and losing circumference when losing weight.

00:59:46.000 So what they're saying is it works. 0.99

00:59:47.000 They're saying that that fat, when you transplant it to the ass, it does make your ass thicker. 1.00

00:59:52.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:59:53.000 Oh, great.

00:59:54.000 What was that? 1.00

00:59:55.000 I'm reading it, you fuck. 1.00

00:59:56.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:59:57.000 Yeah.

00:59:57.000 They're saying that it makes it...

00:59:59.000 that no damage to the graft was observed.

01:00:02.000 So they're saying that...

01:00:04.000 It works.

01:00:04.000 So it's fine.

01:00:05.000 It's like skin grafts. 1.00

01:00:07.000 But they actually can make your ass fatter. 1.00

01:00:07.000 Right. 1.00

01:00:10.000 And they can make another part of you thinner.

01:00:12.000 But it probably comes out all lumpy, no?

01:00:15.000 I mean, how do they get it all smooth and perfect?

01:00:17.000 I mean, I'm sure there's more of a process than just stuffing it in.

01:00:21.000 I would assume.

01:00:22.000 They put it in a blender or something.

01:00:24.000 They must dilute it somehow, right?

01:00:26.000 I don't know, man.

01:00:27.000 Well, they're injecting it, right?

01:00:28.000 If you ever want to have fun, too, look at botched butt enlargement surgery. 0.95

01:00:34.000 That's not fun.

01:00:35.000 Whoa, that works.

01:00:36.000 Whoa, hello. 1.00

01:00:37.000 Holy shit, that works. 0.99

01:00:40.000 That's incredible. 1.00

01:00:43.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:00:44.000 Oh my god, look at that one down there. 1.00

01:00:46.000 The naked butt with the thong. 0.99

01:00:48.000 Well, there's no proof that that's the same butt. 1.00

01:00:50.000 Well, there's a lot of bullshit with these things, for sure. 0.99

01:00:53.000 Butt augmentation in Thailand. 1.00

01:00:54.000 Yeah, that butt looks great. 1.00

01:00:55.000 Well, let's go to that page.

01:00:56.000 Let's find out what they do.

01:00:57.000 Also, one of them's more in color.

01:00:59.000 Page.

01:01:01.000 There you go.

01:01:01.000 Not image.

01:01:03.000 The...

01:01:05.000 The ones where they have implants though, that's scary. 0.97

01:01:08.000 That's where they're taking like a hunk of something, like a fucking, some sort of a, it's like a rubber thing and they're sticking it in there. 0.97

01:01:19.000 Isn't it crazy that no matter what context when I see a nice bud, I don't even see whose face it is, I'm just like instantly a little bit turned on. 0.99

01:01:27.000 Like, you just see a bigger butt. 0.92

01:01:29.000 Why? 0.99

01:01:30.000 Why is that?

01:01:31.000 Is anyone ever...

01:01:31.000 Because it's, like, better for children?

01:01:34.000 Yeah.

01:01:34.000 Especially the hips-to-waist ratio.

01:01:36.000 When you see a woman with, like, wide hips, you think, oh, she can give birth. 1.00

01:01:40.000 Immediately, like, oh, okay.

01:01:42.000 We strongly advise against surgical butt implants if your office work environment requires excessive sitting over 8 to 10 hours a day. 0.81

01:01:49.000 After surgery, the doctors will advise you not to sit directly on your reshaped butt.

01:01:54.000 For at least a few days to avoid any unneeded stress to the operated areas during your recovery. 1.00

01:02:00.000 Yeah, what the fuck, man. 0.99

01:02:01.000 So, like, Peggy and HR can't get it done. 1.00

01:02:03.000 Yeah, if you're gonna sit in front of a desk, oof.

01:02:08.000 You've seen the implants that have failed.

01:02:10.000 Now, are those implants they're talking about, Jamie?

01:02:13.000 No, this is fat transfer.

01:02:14.000 No, this is, yeah, this is an implant.

01:02:16.000 I think it's silicone, right?

01:02:30.000 I love that.

01:02:37.000 Slash cut.

01:02:39.000 That's the same thing.

01:02:40.000 That's like punch slash hit near the butt crease to give a natural look with minimal scars.

01:02:47.000 This amazing new technique leaves an unnoticeable scar near your buttocks crease. 0.99

01:02:51.000 Yeah, that's noticeable as fuck. 0.99

01:02:53.000 You see it in porn films when girls are getting dogged. 1.00

01:02:56.000 Yeah, you see this weird scar where their butt cheeks meet their taint. 0.97

01:02:59.000 I've never seen that.

01:03:00.000 The technique is very popular with Australian and American clients who save 40%.

01:03:05.000 When compared to the prices back home, but you get 100% more diseases.

01:03:10.000 The new technique is offered in Bangkok and works by carefully sawing away, no, cutting away tissue near the intersection of your butt and lower back.

01:03:21.000 I mean, you know, it feels like a decent thing to do.

01:03:24.000 This is supposedly what Kim Kardashian got.

01:03:27.000 She got the Brazilian butt lift, which is what all the Brazilian girls supposedly have. 1.00

01:03:31.000 That's why you always go, Brazilians have great ass. 1.00

01:03:33.000 I mean, that's been confirmed, right? 1.00

01:03:35.000 She has something, and so does Nicki Minaj.

01:03:36.000 She looks way different than she used to look. 0.94

01:03:38.000 Yeah, they both look crazy.

01:03:40.000 And she also doesn't look like that... 1.00

01:03:44.000 Like, she would have that muscular legs.

01:03:46.000 Like, it's not like she's... 0.99

01:03:47.000 Her legs are these thick, fucking... 1.00

01:03:49.000 Like, Serena Williams-type athlete legs. 1.00

01:03:52.000 No.

01:03:53.000 No, they're like... 1.00

01:03:53.000 She's got a big old butt, too. 1.00

01:03:54.000 Oh, jeez Louise. 0.99

01:03:56.000 Good Lord.

01:03:56.000 Jesus.

01:03:57.000 Oh, my goodness.

01:03:58.000 That's a booty. 1.00

01:03:59.000 But that's an athlete's butt. 1.00

01:04:01.000 Like, you look at Serena's body, like, Jesus, that's a fucking... 1.00

01:04:04.000 That's a performer. 0.99

01:04:06.000 You know, like, her body can move in ways... 0.99

01:04:09.000 Kim Kardashian just looks like she's wearing a diaper. 1.00

01:04:12.000 It's like this weird...

01:04:14.000 You know what I mean?

01:04:14.000 It's like this weird, like, she's got a load in her diaper.

01:04:16.000 It doesn't make sense. 0.69

01:04:17.000 It doesn't, like, make sense with her legs. 0.69

01:04:19.000 Well, there's some images of her.

01:04:21.000 Like, you see those photos.

01:04:23.000 Like, Kim Kardashian breaks the internet. 1.00

01:04:24.000 Her ass looks fantastic, like, spectacular. 1.00

01:04:27.000 But then you see her, like, there's some red carpet video of her walking around with it. 1.00

01:04:31.000 It's weird. 0.99

01:04:31.000 It's weird as fuck. 0.99

01:04:32.000 Because it doesn't match the rest of her legs. 0.99

01:04:34.000 Like, it's way better to have a smaller butt that fits your legs than it is to have these thin legs and this...

01:04:42.000 I actually have the opposite problem. 0.88

01:04:44.000 I don't have a butt. 0.99

01:04:45.000 Like, I have, like, an innie butt. 0.99

01:04:46.000 I'm serious. 0.98

01:04:48.000 I'm not...

01:04:48.000 You have an innie?

01:04:49.000 I don't have... 0.97

01:04:50.000 Yeah, I don't really have a butt. 0.97

01:04:51.000 Should I show? 0.98

01:04:51.000 I mean, it's like... 0.98

01:04:53.000 Just don't take off your underwear.

01:04:56.000 Very flat.

01:04:57.000 Well, it just looks like you don't work out.

01:04:59.000 You don't work out, right?

01:05:00.000 I do.

01:05:01.000 Do you lift weights? 1.00

01:05:02.000 With your butt? 1.00

01:05:03.000 Not with my butt. 1.00

01:05:04.000 Have a seat. 0.99

01:05:05.000 Nobody can hear you up there.

01:05:08.000 Does it, um, you don't, like, when you're, um, when you're lifting weights, do you do squats or anything with your legs?

01:05:14.000 No.

01:05:15.000 That's all it is, yeah.

01:05:16.000 But I do a lot of, like, like, curls for the girls. 0.62

01:05:19.000 Running and things like that. 0.93

01:05:21.000 Oh, well, running is really good for your legs, but it's not so good for your butt. 0.98

01:05:25.000 Like, if you watch marathon runners, they don't have, like, thick butts. 0.68

01:05:28.000 There's not a lot of, like, jumping up.

01:05:30.000 I know.

01:05:31.000 I've always had an issue with that.

01:05:32.000 There's always, like, pants don't fit right.

01:05:34.000 It always slide down.

01:05:35.000 You can fix it. 0.97

01:05:36.000 Don't get lazy and get a butt job. 0.67

01:05:38.000 Yeah, let's get butt jobs together. 1.00

01:05:40.000 Yeah.

01:05:41.000 That's the...

01:05:42.000 Boys day! 0.87

01:05:43.000 Boys day! 0.87

01:05:46.000 Imagine if that became a thing.

01:05:47.000 They would take off our little fat things here, so it would actually look better here, and then it would make our butt look together at the same time. 0.99

01:05:56.000 Or you would be so self-conscious on stage because it looks like you're wearing a fucking diaper. 1.00

01:06:01.000 Imagine, I just got a huge butt. 1.00

01:06:04.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:06:04.000 I feel like if butts on guys became big. 0.99

01:06:07.000 You tied the end of your shorts tight to your leg and just filled your shorts with shit. 1.00

01:06:13.000 That's what it looks like. 1.00

01:06:14.000 But I have no jokes about it. 0.99

01:06:15.000 It's just a huge butt. 0.98

01:06:17.000 You don't even bring it up. 1.00

01:06:19.000 I had a friend that had a huge ass and he was massively self-conscious about it because he wasn't overweight too much in his upper body. 1.00

01:06:26.000 He was very pear-shaped. 0.99

01:06:27.000 Where his upper body, his arms looked totally normal. 1.00

01:06:31.000 And then his upper body looked fairly overweight and then it got to his gut and it distended on the sides and then his ass was enormous. 0.99

01:06:39.000 His ass and legs is where he carried all of his weight. 1.00

01:06:43.000 When you get in arguments with people, they'll go, look at your fucking ass, dude. 1.00

01:06:47.000 If I looked like you, I would be grumpy too. 1.00

01:06:49.000 People would get really mean with him because of his butt. 0.99

01:06:54.000 There's certain guys who look okay fat. 1.00

01:06:57.000 There's certain guys that are like, oh, you're a fat guy. 0.99

01:06:59.000 You look great fat. 0.97

01:07:00.000 And then there's certain guys who look really, really bad fat.

01:07:02.000 And I think it's if your lower half is in shape and your upper half is not...

01:07:07.000 Jonah Hill has that.

01:07:09.000 I have that.

01:07:10.000 I used to be way fatter, and it looks weird because I have skinny legs, and then it looks like you just are this half-fat minotaur.

01:07:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:20.000 People are allowed to have a fat gut, but if you have a fairly normal gut, but an enormous fat ass and fat legs, then people are like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:07:31.000 You're weirdly proportioned, and I don't understand you, because you don't fit in my database. 1.00

01:07:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:37.000 It is weird.

01:07:38.000 Yeah.

01:07:39.000 Like, we have a database of pot bellies. 0.98

01:07:40.000 Like, you see a guy with a pot belly, you don't even blink.

01:07:43.000 Because we all have a database.

01:07:44.000 It's not like a weird thing.

01:07:45.000 But if you see a girl with a pot belly, one of three things. 1.00

01:07:49.000 Either pregnant or a fucking weird body. 1.00

01:07:51.000 When the weird body freaks you out. 1.00

01:07:54.000 Even if you have no desire to have sex with this woman, if a woman comes near you and she's got a giant Joey Diaz-sized belly, you're kind of freaked out.

01:08:03.000 But his body makes sense. 0.94

01:08:04.000 It makes sense.

01:08:05.000 His body, you look at it and you're like, oh, you're that guy.

01:08:08.000 I know that guy.

01:08:09.000 I've seen that guy.

01:08:09.000 My dad has hung out with that guy.

01:08:11.000 There's a database.

01:08:12.000 Yeah, there's a database of that guy.

01:08:14.000 But if you have a guy that has really skinny legs, super skinny legs, but like Ralphie Mae's arms...

01:08:20.000 Yeah, it's really weird. 0.99

01:08:21.000 What the fuck is going on? 0.99

01:08:23.000 I don't understand what I'm saying. 0.99

01:08:25.000 I'm too weirded out.

01:08:25.000 I gotta get out of here.

01:08:26.000 I gotta get out of here, man.

01:08:28.000 Chest night is over.

01:08:29.000 New weird bodies will freak us out.

01:08:33.000 We have a database.

01:08:35.000 We draw from it.

01:08:36.000 And when something doesn't fit in there, it's just like, oh, too weird.

01:08:39.000 Gotta go. 0.99

01:08:40.000 I turned down sex once because this girl had a square butt where it was like... 1.00

01:08:45.000 You turned down sex because of it? 1.00

01:08:47.000 Yeah, because it just freaked me out.

01:08:49.000 It freaked me out because she had no waist for one thing. 1.00

01:08:52.000 And then her butt was completely flat, almost indented. 1.00

01:08:56.000 When you saw it, you're just like, ugh! 0.97

01:08:58.000 So you were in the act, in bed.

01:09:01.000 I actually was like, alright, well, you know what?

01:09:04.000 I gotta go.

01:09:05.000 I just took off right before bed.

01:09:05.000 What?

01:09:07.000 I could never do that.

01:09:08.000 And I called her Spongebob Squarepants because it was just...

01:09:12.000 It's too gross.

01:09:12.000 You didn't call it to her face.

01:09:14.000 I just put it on her Facebook.

01:09:14.000 No, no.

01:09:15.000 You just tweeted about it.

01:09:16.000 I just put it on her Facebook.

01:09:17.000 With her full name.

01:09:18.000 I just gave out her address and geotagged it.

01:09:22.000 Geotagged it. 0.99

01:09:23.000 If you're looking for a flat ass, this is your spot. 1.00

01:09:26.000 This is your pirate map. 0.99

01:09:28.000 I don't know.

01:09:29.000 I feel like if I'm already there, I mean, it's like...

01:09:32.000 It's so great that someone's willing to be there and do it.

01:09:35.000 But isn't it weird that, like, it probably would feel just as good, like, as far as a sensation, but you wouldn't be as aroused, so it wouldn't be as good, and it's all just based on the shape of the body.

01:09:46.000 And people get angry at that, man. 0.99

01:09:48.000 They say you're shallow, and, you know, this is a really, like, surface way of thinking, and it's so immature and so stupid, but those people are all fat. 1.00

01:09:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:57.000 That's why they're saying that.

01:09:58.000 Hot chicks with great bodies, they never feel like that. 1.00

01:10:02.000 When you tell a girl, like, God, your body's amazing, they never go, oh, you just are attracted to my body being amazing.

01:10:08.000 I gotta be the devil's advocate here, and I gotta say, I've been with a lot of women. 1.00

01:10:14.000 Tell us about it.

01:10:15.000 Double-didge.

01:10:16.000 Amazing.

01:10:16.000 Double-didge women.

01:10:18.000 So intimidating.

01:10:19.000 And I've been with some very good looking and some very average and whatever.

01:10:24.000 I think I've actually been more aroused by more normal looking women than the models. 0.99

01:10:30.000 Because you're probably more comfortable.

01:10:31.000 Because I'm more comfortable.

01:10:32.000 Yeah.

01:10:33.000 I feel like I have less to prove.

01:10:35.000 It's also like there's something about a normal-looking body that is a little more attractive to me.

01:10:35.000 Right.

01:10:43.000 You have a buddy who would go to strip clubs and he would always want to talk to the girls that were overweight. 1.00

01:10:47.000 He was actually attracted to the girls.

01:10:48.000 I don't mean overweight.

01:10:50.000 Well, overweight for a strip club is not really overweight. 0.99

01:10:54.000 I mean, what kind of overweight are they going to get?

01:10:55.000 Like 20, 30 pounds overweight?

01:10:57.000 But he would go for the big girls because... 1.00

01:10:59.000 Very easy.

01:11:00.000 Like, they're probably more insecure. 0.92

01:11:01.000 But he wasn't even trying to, like, have sex with them.

01:11:04.000 He just was attracted to them.

01:11:05.000 He'd want to get dances to them because he said it would make sense that they would date him.

01:11:09.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:09.000 That's what every guy wants in a strip club.

01:11:11.000 You want the girl to like you.

01:11:14.000 Any guy who denies that is lying.

01:11:15.000 Like, you want the girl to be like, you know... 0.56

01:11:18.000 Oh my god, I want to leave with this guy.

01:11:19.000 And if she's a 10, she's like, oh, hi, sweetie.

01:11:21.000 Yeah, it's all an act.

01:11:23.000 And you're like, oh, this is gross. 0.99

01:11:24.000 I feel so fucking gross. 0.98

01:11:26.000 I want her to be in love. 0.99

01:11:27.000 Yeah.

01:11:28.000 I want her to come back, please, Barry.

01:11:30.000 Are you going to be back?

01:11:30.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:11:31.000 You want to take her out of that town. 0.93

01:11:32.000 Barry.

01:11:33.000 Barry, don't leave.

01:11:34.000 You want to take her out of Kokomo, Indiana.

01:11:36.000 I'll give you dances for free.

01:11:38.000 Yeah, oh yeah.

01:11:39.000 Just stay, Barry.

01:11:40.000 I'll stay.

01:11:41.000 Stay.

01:11:42.000 Joe Rogan?

01:11:43.000 Yeah, they don't want you to...

01:11:45.000 They don't want you to...

01:11:47.000 No guy, even though people will pay for prostitution, no guy would prefer that. 1.00

01:11:53.000 What you would prefer is someone to be attracted to you.

01:11:55.000 You wouldn't want a girl who's putting on an act where you know specifically that she doesn't want to be there. 0.93

01:12:01.000 You'd want her to be really good at it. 0.95

01:12:03.000 It's the same in porno.

01:12:04.000 You don't want a girl who you know is acting. 1.00

01:12:07.000 That's why we want things that are so real.

01:12:09.000 Unless they're so good they can trick you.

01:12:11.000 That's great.

01:12:12.000 Yeah, but you don't want to see the act.

01:12:14.000 Less than anything. 0.97

01:12:15.000 It's like a hack comic, or like a fucking magician, where you can see their hands moving, you know? 0.96

01:12:20.000 But you're getting a different girl every time, and you can play around with different races and ages. 0.93

01:12:26.000 Yeah, what I'm saying is, what would you prefer, though?

01:12:29.000 That's not what I'm saying.

01:12:31.000 Eugenics? 0.95

01:12:32.000 Well, I mean, it's like saying, do you want one car, or would you rather have keys to the dealership and just pick whatever you want?

01:12:39.000 No, it's not. 1.00

01:12:40.000 We're talking about people, you fuck. 1.00

01:12:44.000 Yeah, I don't know. 1.00

01:12:46.000 I got a prostitute when I was... 0.94

01:12:48.000 I mean, this is... 0.98

01:12:49.000 I'm going to be on Ari's show and I talk about this story when I was in Atlantic City and I got a hooker. 0.97

01:12:55.000 Ooh. 0.58

01:12:56.000 You ever see that hookers from Atlantic City show? 1.00

01:12:58.000 Was it HBO? Yeah, they used to do an HBO show.

01:12:58.000 No.

01:13:01.000 Oh, those were so depressing. 1.00

01:13:02.000 I remember trying to masturbate to those when I was a kid and like real sex would come on. 0.99

01:13:07.000 Remember real sex? 0.99

01:13:08.000 And it would be like just old people tickling each other and you're just like, what? 0.97

01:13:12.000 What?

01:13:12.000 Like, for a second they would be like, oh, this is kind of hot.

01:13:15.000 And then they would just have these, like, fat lesbians slapping each other. 1.00

01:13:19.000 And you're like, this is really weird. 0.99

01:13:21.000 Do you think that if prostitution wasn't so chastised, if prostitution was legal, then it would be like going and getting massages.

01:13:30.000 It would be so normal and it wouldn't feel dirty or bad at all.

01:13:33.000 I bet that's the case.

01:13:35.000 Yeah, if prostitution was completely legal, okay, and these places were totally above ground, it was just like going to a massage bar.

01:13:35.000 If it was legal?

01:13:42.000 If you go to a massage bar now, you go, hello, everybody greets you, they're all nice, you don't feel weird about it, you put on your robe, you go there, some stranger rubs your neck and rubs your back, you feel so much better.

01:13:52.000 And you actually have a wonderful time with them.

01:13:54.000 It's fine.

01:13:55.000 Because it's not guilty.

01:13:56.000 But if it was guilty for you to be in your underwear and have some lady dig her elbow into your back, you'd have all these weird connections with it. 0.99

01:14:03.000 And you would only be able to go to shady places to get that massage. 0.98

01:14:06.000 It would be like this weird, sort of sinful thing.

01:14:09.000 I don't think it has anything to do with the law.

01:14:11.000 I think the law has nothing to do with it.

01:14:12.000 I think it's our weirdness with sex.

01:14:14.000 I think it's...

01:14:15.000 Right, but that weirdness with sex is connected to the fact that it's illegal, unquestionably.

01:14:19.000 I don't know, because then you would say, like, oh, what if I didn't have to pay for it?

01:14:23.000 What if I told my girlfriend, oh, I'm just going to have sex with this girl I know? 0.52

01:14:27.000 That's totally unrelated, because we're talking about... 0.96

01:14:30.000 You're paying for a service.

01:14:31.000 Paying for something.

01:14:32.000 Yeah, we're talking about prostitution, though. 0.99

01:14:33.000 I know, but I think it's the stigma of the sex of it, not the law.

01:14:37.000 Because it's not really like...

01:14:39.000 No.

01:14:40.000 I don't think it's considered... 0.85

01:14:42.000 You don't feel like you're breaking the law if you get a hooker. 1.00

01:14:45.000 What if you think you're using masturbation? 1.00

01:14:47.000 You're using her to masturbate, though. 1.00

01:14:49.000 You're not having sex. 0.99

01:14:50.000 I mean, you're in and out in like seven minutes.

01:14:53.000 Explain that again.

01:14:53.000 Well, hold on a second.

01:14:54.000 You don't think it's about the law.

01:14:58.000 It would remove some of the stigma attached to it.

01:15:00.000 The stigma by who, though?

01:15:02.000 Well, by most people who think of it as being a dirty thing. 0.90

01:15:05.000 I mean, most people, they don't want their daughter to become a prostitute. 0.99

01:15:08.000 They don't want their ex-girlfriends to become prostitutes. 0.90

01:15:11.000 I mean, it's just like this thing.

01:15:13.000 You don't want someone to be paying...

01:15:14.000 Well, stripping is legal, but there's a stigma to that.

01:15:16.000 There is.

01:15:17.000 There certainly is.

01:15:17.000 There is.

01:15:18.000 But this is like, part of it has to do with sex.

01:15:20.000 I think in this country we're weirder about sex than we are about anything else.

01:15:23.000 But don't you think that part of that weirdness is to do with the law?

01:15:23.000 No question.

01:15:26.000 The fact that we legislate whether or not you can have sex with someone for free, and no one has a problem with it. 0.95

01:15:32.000 You can go have sex with anybody you want. 0.83

01:15:34.000 But for some reason or another, we can legislate whether or not you have sex with anybody you want if they give you money. 0.95

01:15:40.000 Which is crazy.

01:15:41.000 I mean, it's crazy.

01:15:43.000 Yeah.

01:15:43.000 I mean, it is crazy.

01:15:44.000 Yeah, there's a lot of crazy.

01:15:45.000 I think the fact that gambling is illegal is crazy, too. 0.99

01:15:48.000 Ridiculous. 0.99

01:15:48.000 Crazy. 0.99

01:15:49.000 I'm not saying people should go get prostitutes or should be prostitutes, but you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want to do. 1.00

01:15:57.000 Well, you know, what's crazy about it is how open we are about calling them escorts. 0.99

01:16:02.000 Like, we're just like, that's fine.

01:16:02.000 Yeah.

01:16:04.000 Well, they get busted, though.

01:16:05.000 Like, you go into the Yellow Pages, not even in Vegas, like places where it's totally, like in New York, and there's just escort service, escort service.

01:16:12.000 Like, who is really under the impression that they're not having sex?

01:16:15.000 Yeah, there's a few people that don't get it.

01:16:17.000 It's like this weird legal gray area.

01:16:19.000 Are there?

01:16:20.000 Yeah.

01:16:21.000 It's like every cop, everyone who makes the law, just like, fine.

01:16:26.000 Well, there's some weird thing where they're allowed to go out with you and have sex if they choose to. 1.00

01:16:32.000 But if it says, if it's like written down in paper, at the end of this date, I'm going to suck your dick and I'm going to rub your balls. 1.00

01:16:40.000 Which is nuts. 1.00

01:16:41.000 That's crazy. 0.99

01:16:42.000 Well, it's just stupid that you can tell a person what to do and not to do. 1.00

01:16:45.000 And the idea being is that if it's legal, everybody's going to go into prostitution or everyone's going to go get prostitutes and the marriages will crumble. 0.99

01:16:55.000 That's not true.

01:16:56.000 If you look at statistics in Australia, it's legal.

01:17:00.000 Legalized prostitution has actually led to a lower rate of divorce.

01:17:03.000 Yeah.

01:17:03.000 In Australia?

01:17:04.000 Well, it's legal in some places here.

01:17:06.000 Right?

01:17:06.000 Sort of.

01:17:07.000 One area.

01:17:08.000 In Nevada.

01:17:09.000 Yeah, it's like way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere. 0.69

01:17:09.000 Carson City? 0.69

01:17:11.000 Well, that's pretty hypocritical, right? 0.98

01:17:13.000 It's weird. 0.65

01:17:14.000 It's just weird.

01:17:15.000 Telling people what they can do and not do.

01:17:17.000 You know what?

01:17:17.000 I think a lot of it is, too, a politician would never stand behind changing that law.

01:17:20.000 Like, I think everyone thinks it's kind of crazy, but I don't think...

01:17:23.000 To get a politician to be like, I'm fighting for prostitute rights. 1.00

01:17:26.000 They all use them?

01:17:27.000 You never know. 0.98

01:17:28.000 Well, that's one of the issues with that guy in New York, the guy who was the mayor of New York or the governor of New York, and they found out that he was using prostitutes. 0.93

01:17:37.000 Spitzer? 0.97

01:17:38.000 Yeah.

01:17:39.000 Elliot Spitzer. 1.00

01:17:39.000 He was the fucking governor. 1.00

01:17:41.000 He was busting people for prostitution while he was using prostitutes. 1.00

01:17:46.000 I mean, he's a goddamn target. 0.99

01:17:49.000 But that guy, like, you know, I mean, he was the top of the heap as far as politicians in New York State, and he was using prostitutes. 1.00

01:17:57.000 Oh, yeah. 0.97

01:17:58.000 I mean, I'm sure most of them are.

01:18:00.000 He could never come out and say, look, let's get real with this.

01:18:02.000 He couldn't, yeah. 1.00

01:18:03.000 I'd like paying for pussy! 1.00

01:18:05.000 Crickets, crickets. 1.00

01:18:05.000 Who's with me? 1.00

01:18:08.000 He just comes out and tries it.

01:18:10.000 I mean, there's a place that my buddy told me about in Seattle.

01:18:15.000 Let's say Seattle.

01:18:16.000 He just went. 0.99

01:18:17.000 That is a marijuana store on one side, and on the other side, it's just a whorehouse. 1.00

01:18:22.000 And you can go in with your Visa card, get your weed, get your pussy. 1.00

01:18:27.000 God bless America. 1.00

01:18:28.000 Yeah, in and out in 45 minutes.

01:18:30.000 God bless America.

01:18:31.000 That's how it should be. 0.99

01:18:32.000 You should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. 0.97

01:18:33.000 There's a law that they're passing in some state, I forget, some backwards-ass state, where they're going to make certain tattoos and body piercings illegal. 0.98

01:18:43.000 They're going to be able to decide.

01:18:44.000 For what reason?

01:18:45.000 Exactly.

01:18:46.000 It's just A lot of things have a reason.

01:18:48.000 I once had an argument with someone over seatbelt laws, right?

01:18:51.000 Should you be allowed to wear a seatbelt if you want to or not want to, right?

01:18:56.000 Right.

01:18:56.000 But then you think if people get injured all the time, you're dealing with higher health insurance costs, you're dealing with way more flooded hospitals with car accidents and deaths.

01:19:06.000 Less dumb people, more dumb people dead. 1.00

01:19:08.000 Other people will suffer from you being dumb. 1.00

01:19:11.000 Whereas a tattoo, no one else will suffer from that. 1.00

01:19:14.000 Yeah, I don't know what the fucking logic behind it is. 0.97

01:19:16.000 I think it's just they want to change the appearance of the young folk. 0.99

01:19:19.000 They see these kids with these giant ear holes.

01:19:22.000 You know, it freaks them out, these kids these days.

01:19:22.000 That's what it is.

01:19:24.000 You just can't live and let live.

01:19:26.000 And a lot of older people especially, they don't want to live and let live. 1.00

01:19:29.000 They want everybody to be just like them. 0.99

01:19:31.000 And when these fucking goddamn kids and their spiky earrings and their crazy hair, you know, you just get upset and you want to stop face tattoos. 1.00

01:19:38.000 Like, you know, come on. 1.00

01:19:40.000 You can't.

01:19:41.000 It's not a good thing to do, but you can't.

01:19:43.000 You can't stop it, you know? 0.99

01:19:44.000 It's not good to tattoo stars all over your fucking forehead. 0.99

01:19:47.000 But if you want to do it... 1.00

01:19:49.000 That's your thing.

01:19:49.000 Go ahead, do it.

01:19:50.000 You can't stop people from doing what they want to do because it's not your right.

01:19:54.000 They might like it.

01:19:55.000 They might see the world totally legitimately differently than you do.

01:19:58.000 And they might want to look like that lizard man dude who split his tongue and tattooed his face green, had implants, he had dermal implants in his eyebrows.

01:20:06.000 I love that dude.

01:20:07.000 I met that dude.

01:20:08.000 I met him.

01:20:09.000 He was in front row in the audience in Austin, Texas at one of my shows.

01:20:13.000 And I was like, how much attention do you want, man? 1.00

01:20:14.000 You sit in front row and you look like a fucking lizard person. 1.00

01:20:17.000 Didn't he do something? 1.00

01:20:19.000 Didn't he get arrested?

01:20:20.000 Oh, that's a different guy. 0.92

01:20:22.000 There's a guy who got his eyeballs tattooed black.

01:20:25.000 Who recently got arrested for assault.

01:20:28.000 Oh, God.

01:20:29.000 Yeah, good luck convincing the jury that you're cool.

01:20:32.000 The ear thing pisses me off when girls have their ears stretched out. 1.00

01:20:36.000 It pisses you off?

01:20:37.000 Yeah, I met this girl in Vegas. 0.82

01:20:39.000 Beautiful.

01:20:40.000 But then her ears were that big open, like where she had that big plug in the middle of it. 1.00

01:20:45.000 And you know that girl in 20 years is not going to have that in her ear.

01:20:49.000 You can fix it.

01:20:50.000 Can you fix it?

01:20:50.000 You can just tie it in a knot?

01:20:52.000 They cut a section off and they pull it together and they sew it and you'll have scars in the bottom of your ear.

01:20:58.000 It's like labiaplasty on your ears.

01:21:02.000 Exactly what it's like.

01:21:03.000 Yeah, they can fix it.

01:21:05.000 I mean, it doesn't look good, but it won't look unbelievably freakish.

01:21:10.000 Yeah, you could correct most things, right?

01:21:12.000 That you can correct. 0.98

01:21:14.000 But there's a dude that I know, his shit is like this big, and he does jiu-jitsu, so he's got to tape his ears up when he does jiu-jitsu. 0.97

01:21:21.000 He takes the plug out, and then he tapes. 0.99

01:21:23.000 He puts tape on his ears.

01:21:25.000 Yeah, it's nuts.

01:21:28.000 Badass, dude.

01:21:30.000 People are weird with those things, man.

01:21:32.000 But you can't stop them from doing it.

01:21:33.000 They like it.

01:21:34.000 What do you care?

01:21:35.000 If you don't like it, don't do it to yourself.

01:21:37.000 I can't see that passing, a law that prevents it.

01:21:39.000 It's passed?

01:21:40.000 Yeah, it's passed.

01:21:42.000 Hold on.

01:21:43.000 Let me find out.

01:21:44.000 Well, you know, in Europe, there's a lot of laws.

01:21:46.000 There's laws with naming kids.

01:21:47.000 You can't name a kid anything you want.

01:21:50.000 In Nottingham, England, there's a law that makes you...

01:21:55.000 You have to practice archery for two hours every Sunday.

01:21:58.000 It's like on the books.

01:22:00.000 Every man has to practice. 0.99

01:22:02.000 It's like one of those laws that's been there since the 1600s.

01:22:05.000 Everyone's dying of arrows to the head.

01:22:07.000 Yeah, it's in Pennsylvania, apparently, that this legislation...

01:22:11.000 Yeah, there's laws in New York of dancing is illegal in certain blocks.

01:22:15.000 Did you know that?

01:22:16.000 Yeah.

01:22:16.000 Really?

01:22:17.000 There's areas where you can't dance.

01:22:19.000 From like the 1800s, some sort of crazy law.

01:22:19.000 Dance.

01:22:23.000 Footloose laws? 0.99

01:22:23.000 You can't be gay. 0.99

01:22:24.000 There's a lot of areas you can't. 1.00

01:22:25.000 It's illegal to be gay, to have gay sex. 1.00

01:22:27.000 Yeah, that's sodomy. 1.00

01:22:28.000 That's illegal. 0.95

01:22:29.000 Blowjobs are illegal in a lot of states. 1.00

01:22:33.000 Yeah, I'm trying to find this fucking legislation. 0.96

01:22:35.000 I'm looking under the wrong date because this is all in 2012. It's some new one, because I just tweeted it a few days ago. 0.96

01:22:43.000 See if you can find that shit, Jamie. 0.99

01:22:45.000 I don't know where it is, but... 1.00

01:22:47.000 The idea of anybody telling you, you know, you can't wear those pants.

01:22:51.000 You can't do that to your hair.

01:22:54.000 You can't do that to your nose.

01:22:56.000 I saw a picture of a guy who had the tip of his nose removed.

01:22:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:22:59.000 Have you seen that?

01:23:00.000 That's a new thing those extreme body modification guys are doing?

01:23:03.000 Yeah.

01:23:04.000 Have you seen it? 1.00

01:23:05.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:23:05.000 I have, yeah. 1.00

01:23:06.000 I've seen the forehead donuts.

01:23:08.000 Yeah.

01:23:09.000 People get those huge forehead things.

01:23:10.000 See, but they can get that taken off. 0.74

01:23:12.000 You just can't get your nose put back. 1.00

01:23:15.000 But then when they do that, they cut your fucking scalp open and slide that thing down your fucking head and leave that big horseshoe in the center of your face. 1.00

01:23:22.000 They must get so much puss. 1.00

01:23:22.000 That's awesome. 1.00

01:23:24.000 They probably get a lot of dick, really. 1.00

01:23:26.000 Dick with holes in it and barbs and stuff. 1.00

01:23:29.000 They got a lot of those dicks with dudes, they put those bolts in their dicks. 1.00

01:23:34.000 They have piercings all over their cocks. 1.00

01:23:37.000 My friend, he got a shitty lip job where they're supposed to pierce it underneath All lip jobs. 0.99

01:23:44.000 Shitty lip jobs, by the way. 0.98

01:23:46.000 Yeah, but any time he sneezes, it just squirts out like a fire hose out of his mouth. 0.68

01:23:50.000 Oh my god.

01:23:51.000 Oh no.

01:23:53.000 Yeah, there's like ones where they remove pieces of their cheek.

01:23:56.000 You can see in their mouth.

01:23:57.000 Yeah, they stretch it.

01:23:59.000 They put a hole in there, and they spread it more and more and more, until it becomes like, you could literally look in and see their gums and their teeth.

01:24:07.000 It's horrific.

01:24:08.000 I think people have mental illnesses, and it just manifests in different ways.

01:24:12.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:13.000 Self-mutilation. 1.00

01:24:14.000 Body dysmorphia is real shit, man. 1.00

01:24:15.000 It's like those crazy women that never think their fake breasts are big enough. 1.00

01:24:19.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:24:20.000 They get nuts.

01:24:21.000 They can't see it, and they just want them bigger and bigger and bigger.

01:24:25.000 But...

01:24:26.000 That's what they want.

01:24:27.000 Who cares? 0.99

01:24:27.000 They're probably crazy anyway. 0.99

01:24:30.000 I wouldn't want to hang out with them, but if you want to and you want to go do it, who gives a shit? 0.99

01:24:36.000 It doesn't hurt anyone else. 0.98

01:24:37.000 Yeah.

01:24:37.000 I mean, it's weird.

01:24:38.000 It's weird all the choices that people make.

01:24:41.000 People are strange, like stylistic choices.

01:24:44.000 People are very strange, but when people try to legislate against that, create laws that say anything.

01:24:52.000 They could easily make a law that says no more massage. 1.00

01:24:56.000 If someone decided to make a law that says no more massage, I would be fucking goddamn furious. 0.99

01:25:01.000 I'd be pissed. 0.99

01:25:02.000 Massages are incredible.

01:25:03.000 I've only started getting them recently and they are like out of this world.

01:25:07.000 It makes you feel so much better.

01:25:09.000 It just relaxes you, loosens all your muscles up, everything falls into place better, you feel healthier, less stressed out.

01:25:16.000 Yeah, I got a really weird one recently where they like beat me up.

01:25:19.000 They basically, like, this woman just, like, beat me. 1.00

01:25:21.000 Yeah, like a Thai massage.

01:25:23.000 And she was just standing on me.

01:25:25.000 Yeah, that's Thai massage. 1.00

01:25:26.000 She had her foot in my butt at some point. 1.00

01:25:26.000 That's awesome. 1.00

01:25:28.000 Oh, yeah.

01:25:29.000 Did she stretch you out, too?

01:25:30.000 Like, pull your legs and stuff?

01:25:31.000 Oh, yeah.

01:25:31.000 Yeah.

01:25:32.000 It was crazy.

01:25:33.000 Dude, stop bumping into that.

01:25:34.000 Ouchie loud. 0.97

01:25:36.000 Did you get the prostate massage also, though? 0.80

01:25:38.000 Have you ever had that? 0.54

01:25:39.000 No.

01:25:40.000 I've never gotten any of those happy endings.

01:25:41.000 I've never even been offered that.

01:25:43.000 That's just an actual part of massage that a lot of places offer.

01:25:43.000 That's not a happy ending.

01:25:46.000 Like they put their finger in your butt? 0.99

01:25:47.000 They just rub around the butt. 1.00

01:25:48.000 I've never heard of that. 0.97

01:25:48.000 Wait a minute, dude. 0.97

01:25:49.000 Nobody massages your prostate in a regular... 1.00

01:25:52.000 Fucking massage. 1.00

01:25:53.000 I've had massages that were not whack off massage places. 1.00

01:25:55.000 And then rub your butthole. 1.00

01:25:56.000 They would rub, they put their thumb on it and they just rub around your butthole and like the muscles around your asshole. 1.00

01:26:02.000 It's prostate massage. 1.00

01:26:03.000 That can't be real. 0.86

01:26:04.000 Prostate massage?

01:26:05.000 And with the finger in it, with a little finger in there. 1.00

01:26:07.000 No, shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:26:08.000 I swear to God. 1.00

01:26:10.000 Oh my god.

01:26:11.000 I swear to god.

01:26:12.000 I go to like...

01:26:12.000 I go to a lot.

01:26:13.000 Yeah, those are not regular massage parlors. 0.98

01:26:15.000 They're jerk-off places. 0.98

01:26:16.000 But this is a place that didn't jerk me off. 0.99

01:26:17.000 And they rub your butthole area? 1.00

01:26:20.000 Yeah, I think it's either Thai massage or Chinese massage. 1.00

01:26:23.000 Just jerk the guy off at that point. 0.98

01:26:24.000 It's pretty normal where they... 0.89

01:26:25.000 Right?

01:26:26.000 Why tease him?

01:26:27.000 Yeah, just finish him off.

01:26:29.000 Well, it's weird that we have spots where you're not supposed to touch, you know? 0.81

01:26:32.000 And for women, it's a breast. 1.00

01:26:33.000 But for men, it doesn't matter at all. 0.99

01:26:35.000 You could rub a guy's breasts, you could rub a guy's pecs, and it does absolutely nothing. 0.98

01:26:39.000 Like, no one cares. 0.99

01:26:40.000 Oh, yeah, she rubbed the hell out of it. 0.97

01:26:42.000 Yeah, a woman can have your arm and just push down on your breasts and manipulate them, and, you know, nobody freaks out. 1.00

01:26:48.000 But even that, much like a stripper, like, I wanted to feel like she liked me.

01:26:52.000 You know what I mean?

01:26:53.000 Like I wanted to feel like I was different than the other massages.

01:26:56.000 You know, like I was better at taking a massage.

01:26:56.000 Of course.

01:26:59.000 Yeah, of course.

01:27:00.000 And she did.

01:27:01.000 And I'm dating her.

01:27:02.000 And she's my wife.

01:27:03.000 She's my dream girl.

01:27:05.000 She's my one of a kind.

01:27:07.000 She stopped rubbing all those other dudes.

01:27:09.000 Yeah.

01:27:10.000 Eventually.

01:27:12.000 It just should be...

01:27:14.000 Look, people should be able to do anything they want. 0.99

01:27:17.000 If they want to suck dicks for money, they can do it as long as there's a camera in the room. 1.00

01:27:21.000 See how hypocritical that is? 1.00

01:27:22.000 If you wanted to film it and make a living by putting that on the internet and have a cam, and the guy could still come in and pay you. 0.96

01:27:28.000 He could still come in and pay you 500 bucks, you blow him on camera, and then, look, we just made porn.

01:27:33.000 Oh, okay. 0.99

01:27:33.000 You made porn. 0.99

01:27:34.000 Did you get all your tests? 0.99

01:27:35.000 Yeah.

01:27:35.000 I mean, it really is.

01:27:37.000 It's just antiquated from the time where there would be prostitute areas where they would walk around and it would be bad for business or the neighborhood.

01:27:47.000 Seedyness. 0.59

01:27:48.000 It would be seedy.

01:27:49.000 But you can't change it now.

01:27:49.000 Yeah.

01:27:51.000 There's no politician that's going to change that.

01:27:53.000 But they will still arrest people.

01:27:55.000 That's where it gets really weird.

01:27:57.000 It's like you're arresting people.

01:27:58.000 You're paying for pleasure.

01:27:58.000 Because it's arrest numbers.

01:27:59.000 Yeah.

01:28:00.000 It's like, oh...

01:28:01.000 I mean, the same thing as gambling.

01:28:03.000 My dad was a bookie.

01:28:04.000 Yeah, he was arrested several times for it.

01:28:04.000 Oh, was he?

01:28:06.000 No shit. 1.00

01:28:07.000 What, sports betting? 1.00

01:28:08.000 Sports betting, yeah.

01:28:09.000 He was involved with the Gambino crime family.

01:28:12.000 Dude, what was that like?

01:28:13.000 How weird was that?

01:28:14.000 It was weird.

01:28:15.000 I didn't know about it at all until I was older.

01:28:17.000 Wow. 1.00

01:28:18.000 And then I found out that he did all this shit. 1.00

01:28:19.000 You didn't know at all? 1.00

01:28:20.000 I didn't know at all.

01:28:21.000 No, he was like, he's got a job.

01:28:23.000 He told everyone he was an accountant for many years.

01:28:26.000 Is that your phone that's vibrating like that?

01:28:27.000 Probably.

01:28:28.000 It's just the old ball and chain. 0.99

01:28:30.000 When you were a kid, would you wonder, like, hey, where the fuck is Dad? 0.99

01:28:34.000 And he'd get arrested? 0.99

01:28:35.000 No, I would wonder why he would promise these things.

01:28:37.000 He would promise a trip to California, and then all of a sudden he'd be like, I don't have the money.

01:28:42.000 Or he'd be like, I'm in jail, and I didn't know why.

01:28:45.000 I'm in jail, and he didn't know why?

01:28:47.000 No, I didn't know why.

01:28:49.000 He wouldn't say he was in jail.

01:28:49.000 You didn't know why?

01:28:50.000 He'd just be like, I can't see you this week.

01:28:52.000 And it happened a few times.

01:28:54.000 But so he was in jail for very short stints.

01:28:56.000 He actually was an informant for the FBI for a little bit, too.

01:28:59.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:29:00.000 Yeah, he took down his whole ring. 1.00

01:29:03.000 Holy shit, dude. 0.99

01:29:04.000 He's dead now, so I can talk about it. 1.00

01:29:06.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:29:07.000 That had to be so stressful. 1.00

01:29:09.000 It was.

01:29:10.000 It was.

01:29:11.000 And he took me around with him, like, to do this.

01:29:14.000 I remember he had to put cameras in this office, and I was like, because, you know, he had shared custody, so I would have to see him on weekends.

01:29:21.000 And he would have to go on weekends and put, like, these little mini cameras with this FBI dude.

01:29:26.000 Whoa, that is crazy.

01:29:28.000 And I would meet these guys, these gambling guys, in the back of a pizzeria in Brooklyn, and they would all give me $50 bills.

01:29:34.000 How long did this go on for?

01:29:37.000 25 years.

01:29:38.000 For 25 years you were involved with your dad doing this.

01:29:42.000 Then I found out when I was a teenager and I started working for it.

01:29:45.000 And I became a bookie also.

01:29:47.000 Whoa.

01:29:48.000 In high school.

01:29:48.000 So when your dad turned States Evidence and your dad became an informant, did you know that he had turned States Evidence?

01:29:55.000 How old were you at the time?

01:29:56.000 No, I was like eight.

01:29:57.000 You were eight?

01:29:58.000 Yeah, I was really young.

01:29:59.000 So you started working for him after he became an informant.

01:30:03.000 He became an informant, took down this one ring, and then he started working for a different gambling ring.

01:30:03.000 He did.

01:30:07.000 Oh my God.

01:30:08.000 For a different booking office.

01:30:09.000 That's so crazy.

01:30:10.000 Yeah, it was really nuts.

01:30:12.000 What did he...

01:30:13.000 Did you ever ask him about it?

01:30:15.000 We talked about it all the time.

01:30:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:16.000 I was part of the business.

01:30:17.000 At some point, it started with me like I would have to dispose of evidence.

01:30:21.000 Like, they were like...

01:30:22.000 My dad was like, how do we get this kid a job?

01:30:24.000 So, you know, they would be like, just take these trash bags and throw them in different dumpsters around town.

01:30:29.000 Wow.

01:30:29.000 So I would take these trash...

01:30:30.000 And if I got caught with it, it would be so weird.

01:30:32.000 You know, these were like gambling slips.

01:30:34.000 These were evidence.

01:30:35.000 And then I graduated to like...

01:30:38.000 Did you ever get caught with them?

01:30:39.000 No.

01:30:39.000 No, no.

01:30:40.000 No, I never...

01:30:41.000 But if you did it would have been a big deal.

01:30:44.000 It would have been strange to have a 16-year-old kid going around with the evidence for this gambling ring.

01:30:49.000 So your dad gets busted.

01:30:51.000 He turns states evidence, right?

01:30:53.000 He gets these people arrested.

01:30:55.000 Apparently what happened was he was told by one of the guys, one of the FBI guys, that there's going to be a raid, but we don't have enough evidence yet.

01:31:03.000 So we won't arrest you, or we will arrest you still, but we won't prosecute you if you put up cameras and stuff.

01:31:11.000 And you get this...

01:31:13.000 You get us more evidence.

01:31:14.000 And he did.

01:31:15.000 And then the weirdest thing is they just let him go back to doing it.

01:31:18.000 Was it sanctioned?

01:31:20.000 That was the question.

01:31:21.000 When he went back, did they know he was doing it and they let him?

01:31:24.000 No.

01:31:25.000 I don't think that they just monitor you forever.

01:31:27.000 They just let you go.

01:31:28.000 That was it.

01:31:30.000 So he just went back to what he always did.

01:31:31.000 Went back to a different place.

01:31:33.000 How do you justify that?

01:31:35.000 That had to be so weird for him.

01:31:37.000 Get people arrested for doing something he is eventually going to go and do himself.

01:31:41.000 Yeah, I never, you know what, I never asked him that.

01:31:44.000 That's a weird one.

01:31:45.000 I never, he actually, the reason he got into it, to even go more in depth on it, was he embezzled, I think, two million dollars from Ricoh Cameras in the 80s.

01:31:55.000 Jesus Christ.

01:31:56.000 He was the CFO of Ricoh Cameras.

01:32:01.000 He was making, you know, in the mid-80s, he was making like $600,000, $700,000 a year, which is like now is way more.

01:32:08.000 Yeah, that's probably like a million and a half now, right?

01:32:11.000 Yeah, he was making a lot of money back then.

01:32:13.000 We would take limos to Atlantic City every weekend.

01:32:16.000 Whoa.

01:32:16.000 And then, as the story goes, he was just, for two years, I think, just embezzling money.

01:32:22.000 He was just like doing shady transactions and taking money off the top.

01:32:26.000 Wow.

01:32:26.000 And then he got caught when there was a new CEO, and he blackmailed The CEO, because he had information on the company that they didn't want coming out.

01:32:33.000 And he got out, but he could never work in the industry again, so he became a gambler.

01:32:37.000 I mean, a bookie and a gambler.

01:32:38.000 That's crazy.

01:32:40.000 So he embezzled $2 million scot-free.

01:32:45.000 Scott Frank, yeah.

01:32:46.000 Wow.

01:32:47.000 Yeah.

01:32:47.000 What a crazy, stress-filled life.

01:32:48.000 They were bringing up charges and everything, too.

01:32:50.000 Yeah.

01:32:51.000 They were starting to get charges together, and he was facing like 40, you know, life, almost life in prison. 0.99

01:32:57.000 He was the craziest fucking stress-filled life. 0.99

01:33:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:33:01.000 And then he became a gambler, and this was around the time my mom left him, it was like 86. He bet $300,000 on the Red Sox to win the World Series in 86. Oh my god.

01:33:12.000 And they were in the World Series.

01:33:13.000 Remember the Buckner?

01:33:14.000 That was the Bill Buckner.

01:33:15.000 Buckner, yeah.

01:33:15.000 Oh no.

01:33:16.000 And he lost $300,000, which was like most of their savings, and my mom left him the next day.

01:33:20.000 Oh! 0.60

01:33:22.000 Jesus Christ, man.

01:33:23.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:33:24.000 No wonder why you're a comic.

01:33:26.000 No wonder, man.

01:33:27.000 Yeah, I thought it was so cool, man.

01:33:29.000 When I got involved in it, it was like The Sopranos was on TV. It was like, my dad's a gangster.

01:33:34.000 He was this fat Jewish guy. 0.99

01:33:34.000 But he was. 0.99

01:33:35.000 He wasn't involved in any of that.

01:33:38.000 He knew guys that were strong men for the guy, really connected.

01:33:43.000 What did he die from?

01:33:44.000 Colon cancer.

01:33:46.000 It's probably a lot of it due to stress, right? 1.00

01:33:48.000 No, he treated his body like crap. 0.99

01:33:50.000 He basically didn't exist for the last 10 years of his life. 0.99

01:33:53.000 He didn't pay taxes.

01:33:54.000 He didn't have ID. He didn't have a bank account.

01:34:00.000 He had $50,000 in cash above his bed on a headboard.

01:34:04.000 Witness protection program style?

01:34:05.000 Is that what was going on?

01:34:06.000 No, he just didn't want to pay taxes.

01:34:07.000 He didn't want to pay taxes on any of his money.

01:34:10.000 So you can't, like, exist, really.

01:34:10.000 Wow.

01:34:12.000 So did he know that he was sick?

01:34:14.000 And he didn't have health insurance, so he didn't have any of that stuff, and he didn't take care of his body, and then he got sick, and it was already, like, stage four or stage five. 0.96

01:34:21.000 So he didn't know he was sick and just decided, fuck it, I'm not going to pay taxes, I'm just going to ride this out?

01:34:26.000 I mean, he didn't pay taxes, I think, for around 15 years he didn't pay taxes. 0.99

01:34:30.000 Wow.

01:34:30.000 Yeah, he didn't exist.

01:34:32.000 He didn't have a driver's license.

01:34:33.000 He faked a driver's license.

01:34:35.000 He got a fake ID. God, what a character.

01:34:39.000 But he was a great dad.

01:34:40.000 He was like a really good dad.

01:34:43.000 You should do a one-man show about your dad.

01:34:45.000 I know.

01:34:46.000 Well, that's the story on Ari's show, is I talk about my dad, too.

01:34:49.000 Wow, that's amazing.

01:34:51.000 He would take me to Atlantic City all the time, and he taught me how to sort of count cards and blackjack. 0.96

01:34:56.000 In addition to being a boogie, he was a sicko gambler. 0.95

01:34:59.000 That was his big vice. 0.93

01:35:01.000 He never did drugs, he never drank, but he would gamble.

01:35:04.000 All his money.

01:35:05.000 That's incredible, man.

01:35:06.000 Yeah.

01:35:07.000 My grandmother got arrested when I was a little kid.

01:35:08.000 She used to run numbers for the mob, and they wanted her to turn state's evidence, and she wouldn't do it, so they locked her in jail for six months. 0.85

01:35:15.000 So whenever we would go visit my grandma, she wouldn't be there.

01:35:19.000 My grandfather would be there.

01:35:19.000 Oh, your grandma's visiting Aunt Josie.

01:35:22.000 She would have some things she was doing.

01:35:24.000 Oh, she's with Aunt Marie this week. 0.55

01:35:26.000 It was some story, but meanwhile she was in some cell somewhere because she wouldn't rat on these guys.

01:35:33.000 They would do their version of the lottery.

01:35:35.000 It would be like running numbers.

01:35:38.000 Yeah, the numbers is how much people bet total, right?

01:35:42.000 Yeah.

01:35:42.000 I did a version of that when I was in high school.

01:35:44.000 There was football cards that you could sell, which was...

01:35:48.000 It's the craziest thing.

01:35:49.000 You basically have to pick out of...

01:35:51.000 I think you list like ten games that weekend, all the football games, and you have to pick five winners out of the ten.

01:36:00.000 Which feels easy, right?

01:36:02.000 But it's so difficult out of these games to pick five winners.

01:36:06.000 And you charge $5 a card, and if less than half the people win, you make money.

01:36:12.000 And I was making money doing this for all of high school.

01:36:16.000 And then in college I became a real bookie.

01:36:18.000 I would actually get clients.

01:36:19.000 That's so crazy!

01:36:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:36:21.000 I would go to these frat parties and get all these frat kids to bet through me.

01:36:24.000 Whoa.

01:36:25.000 Did you have any issues with that?

01:36:26.000 Like guys not paying or with like the school finding out?

01:36:30.000 Yeah, you have like a few issues, but then it's just they can't bet anymore and they want to bet.

01:36:34.000 These people want to bet.

01:36:36.000 You never need to strong-arm people because they just can't bet next week if they don't pay.

01:36:41.000 I've never understood that.

01:36:42.000 When you do that, do you have to have like a stash of cash that you can match up with?

01:36:48.000 Well, I had a deal worked out with my dad's gambling office where they would pay all of my losses and I would keep half my winnings.

01:36:56.000 So no matter who lost, they would pay them and I would just keep half the winning.

01:37:01.000 Now when you did that, did you have to have like a really sick knowledge of sports?

01:37:05.000 Did you have to be on top of it?

01:37:07.000 How much time does that require?

01:37:09.000 A lot.

01:37:10.000 You've got to stay on top of the odds because they're constantly changing.

01:37:13.000 And if a lot of people are betting on one side, you've got to move the point spread to favor the other side so people bet the other side.

01:37:20.000 Wow.

01:37:21.000 Yeah, it was nuts.

01:37:22.000 You could make up fun prop bets.

01:37:25.000 They have weird stuff like, will the Broncos score as much as Shaquille O'Neal?

01:37:29.000 On Sunday.

01:37:31.000 Oh, weird, crazy bets.

01:37:32.000 Like, crazy bets, yeah.

01:37:33.000 Well, those were bets that people got accused of, like, shaving on, that, like, they got informed, you know, about certain things.

01:37:39.000 Like, I'm not saying you should lose this game, but if you do this, it would behoove us.

01:37:43.000 Oh, that happens a lot.

01:37:44.000 You know, like, get to a certain number.

01:37:46.000 Like, you know, dude, you're at 32. Oh, shit. 1.00

01:37:48.000 Okay, cool, cool, cool. 1.00

01:37:49.000 And just throw some bricks.

01:37:50.000 I learned, you know, apparently, I didn't know this, that, like, my dad would fix horse races.

01:37:55.000 That was his big thing.

01:37:57.000 Was you would just basically pay a jockey to hold a horse back.

01:37:57.000 Whoa.

01:38:01.000 I knew a jockey who got arrested for that.

01:38:03.000 Yeah.

01:38:03.000 Oh, it's so common, apparently.

01:38:05.000 Yeah, there's a guy who used to run those chariots.

01:38:08.000 You know those chariots?

01:38:10.000 You ever see those?

01:38:10.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:38:11.000 Harness.

01:38:12.000 Yeah.

01:38:12.000 And he literally stood up to try to get the horse to slow down because he was winning.

01:38:18.000 And they caught him standing up like, you piece of shit. 1.00

01:38:21.000 That's what you do. 1.00

01:38:22.000 You hold them back for several races, they become a huge underdog, and then you let them loose, and they win.

01:38:27.000 It's the classic way to do it.

01:38:30.000 Well, this guy was trying to slow his horse down, and they barred him from being a jockey ever again.

01:38:36.000 And then he went and hired William Kunstler.

01:38:39.000 Kunstler!

01:38:40.000 Yeah, he kept talking about it.

01:38:41.000 I got Kunstler.

01:38:42.000 I got Kunstler on my side. 0.99

01:38:43.000 I'm going to sue these cocksuckers. 1.00

01:38:45.000 I'm not going to make any money. 0.99

01:38:46.000 George the Greek.

01:38:47.000 He was this guy.

01:38:48.000 The Greek.

01:38:49.000 He died of cancer, too.

01:38:50.000 You know, Jimmy the Greek, there's like a whole documentary about him.

01:38:53.000 Oh, sure. 0.99

01:38:53.000 Yeah, that's the guy that claimed that black people's butts were higher. 0.99

01:38:57.000 Did he? 1.00

01:38:58.000 Yeah, that's why he got arrested.

01:38:58.000 Oh, that's right.

01:38:59.000 Or that's why he got fired, rather.

01:39:01.000 Yeah, he was saying about slave owners breeding, you know, the largest bucks with the...

01:39:07.000 Yeah.

01:39:08.000 That was his whole thing.

01:39:09.000 But meanwhile, he makes them actual points.

01:39:13.000 They did do that.

01:39:14.000 They did have slaves where they guaranteed took the largest males and tried to make them with the largest females to make stronger slaves. 0.71

01:39:22.000 I mean, that has to have happened at some point in time.

01:39:27.000 And the athletics that you see from black African Americans, they're the best athletes on earth.

01:39:36.000 And when you're a white guy and your name is Jimmy the Greek, you've got to try to figure out why that is.

01:39:40.000 And you've got to be so sure about it.

01:39:43.000 You've got to be so sure.

01:39:44.000 Even though it's not scientific, for him, it's like, yeah, you know what they used to do? 0.99

01:39:48.000 They used to take the guys with the fucking biggest dicks and the best athletes, they breed them with the biggest women, and they make the biggest slaves. 1.00

01:39:55.000 Bada bing, bada boom! 1.00

01:39:56.000 But they would say crazy shit back then on TV, like Howard Cosell got in trouble. 1.00

01:40:00.000 They would smoke! 0.99

01:40:01.000 Remember when he said, look at that little monkey run? 0.99

01:40:04.000 That was like a statement that he had of, there was a football player who was like really fucking fast. 0.93

01:40:09.000 Yeah, well what becomes taboo changes all the time, right?

01:40:12.000 You ever go back recently and watch Eddie Murphy Raw?

01:40:14.000 Oh my god, yeah. 0.98

01:40:15.000 You're just like, oh my god, this is all gay. 1.00

01:40:17.000 This is all homophobic. 0.99

01:40:21.000 Weirdly angry towards gay people material. 1.00

01:40:23.000 Yeah, and everybody went along with it. 1.00

01:40:25.000 There was a way, back then, all you used to do was say, this is a fucking faggot, and everybody would go, yeah! 1.00

01:40:31.000 Oh, in my lifetime, faggot was fine. 1.00

01:40:33.000 It was fine to say. 0.99

01:40:35.000 Like, I remember when I was a kid, it was just like, it's just a fun word.

01:40:38.000 And now it's like, it's on the par of the N-word.

01:40:41.000 Yeah, you're not supposed to use it anymore.

01:40:42.000 It's too bad.

01:40:43.000 It was a great word while it lasted.

01:40:46.000 I miss it.

01:40:47.000 And even when it was not used in a gay sense, you know, you use it. 1.00

01:40:50.000 Look at this faggot pen. 1.00

01:40:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:53.000 Look at this little faggot monkey over here trying to throw bananas at me. 1.00

01:40:57.000 Get back up in your tree. 1.00

01:40:58.000 I feel like we're going to get a Jezebel article about this podcast.

01:41:02.000 Why?

01:41:02.000 We're not saying anything's wrong.

01:41:04.000 We're not like...

01:41:07.000 We're not on the side of Jimmy the Greek or on the side of people that are calling a football player a monkey.

01:41:15.000 We're just saying how weird it is. 0.96

01:41:16.000 But black people can run better.

01:41:18.000 Look, I don't know why it's racist to say they're the best athletes.

01:41:23.000 I don't know why that's racist.

01:41:24.000 It's good.

01:41:25.000 They're better.

01:41:26.000 Like, look at LeBron James.

01:41:27.000 Look at Kobe Bryant.

01:41:28.000 Look at John Jones.

01:41:30.000 Look at Anthony Rebel Johnson.

01:41:32.000 Well, there's a school of thought that it's because that's what they're, you know, in their lack of educational infrastructure, that's what they're able to do.

01:41:40.000 Maybe.

01:41:42.000 That's who their role models are.

01:41:43.000 There's also, like, bone density.

01:41:45.000 African Americans have significantly more bone density than white people.

01:41:49.000 In fact, African American women on par a lot of times have a similar bone density to white European men.

01:41:55.000 It's weird.

01:41:56.000 Yeah, there's, like, physical advantages to being African American, especially, like...

01:42:02.000 There's people from certain parts of Africa that are just unbelievably good at running.

01:42:06.000 To the point where all marathon runners and all these Olympic medalists and certain distance running came from this one area.

01:42:14.000 With white people, too.

01:42:15.000 I was in Norway, and they have huge people there.

01:42:20.000 I was just in Sweden this past weekend.

01:42:20.000 Scandinavians are huge.

01:42:23.000 A lot of Viking-looking people.

01:42:26.000 They're these huge-looking dudes.

01:42:27.000 Really square jaws.

01:42:30.000 Genetics.

01:42:31.000 Like, those were Vikings.

01:42:32.000 They literally were Vikings.

01:42:34.000 But why were Vikings bigger?

01:42:35.000 They got the spoils.

01:42:37.000 They got all the food.

01:42:38.000 They got the food.

01:42:39.000 And the toughest and the strongest stayed alive.

01:42:42.000 They live in these harsh northern climates way before they had anything other than burning wood to stay warm.

01:42:48.000 I mean, they survived like that for hundreds and hundreds of years.

01:42:52.000 And there's the strong genes of these Vikings.

01:42:55.000 But it's okay to be a Viking because then you are a conqueror. 0.68

01:43:00.000 You're like a winner.

01:43:01.000 But if you say that someone has really good genes because they're a slave, it's derogatory.

01:43:06.000 So that's where people take issue with it.

01:43:08.000 Oh, I can see why people take issue with it. 0.98

01:43:11.000 Like, if there was a bunch of people that were from Norway, if you were like some Jewini-Greek type guy and you're on TV, the thing about these guys from Sweden, fucking Norway, is they're bigger because they used to kill everybody. 0.99

01:43:21.000 They were on horses, they had big swords, they were big guys. 1.00

01:43:25.000 These faggots from Norway. 1.00

01:43:26.000 Yeah, only the fucking ones that were bigger survived. 1.00

01:43:28.000 They would breed the big males with the big females, and they would come with the best athletes. 1.00

01:43:32.000 Nobody from Norway would get mad at you.

01:43:35.000 I mean, you know, the thing is, I grew up with guys like that.

01:43:38.000 Like, all my dad's friends were like that.

01:43:40.000 My uncles were like that.

01:43:41.000 And they just would be just so casually racist at the dinner table, you know?

01:43:46.000 I mean, seriously, you know?

01:43:48.000 Yeah, it was a common thing.

01:43:49.000 Even now, like, my parents, my mom, and my grandma, you know, they'll just be like, I just don't understand why Mexicans have to be here. 1.00

01:43:55.000 You know, like, they'll say things like that.

01:43:57.000 Like, just so reasonable.

01:43:59.000 Like, just like, I just don't understand.

01:44:01.000 Why do they have to be here?

01:44:02.000 Oh, that's so funny.

01:44:04.000 There were people that grew up in a certain pattern, and that certain pattern was like, it is normal to distrust people of other ethnicities and races.

01:44:12.000 It's like, that's the pattern.

01:44:14.000 It's so normal.

01:44:14.000 It's soldered into your brain.

01:44:16.000 Yeah.

01:44:16.000 And to break that pattern...

01:44:18.000 It was all the humor.

01:44:18.000 It was all the humor of my family growing up was racial.

01:44:23.000 Can you imagine if someone tried to put on, like, Archie Bunker on a TV show today?

01:44:27.000 Yeah.

01:44:27.000 How long would that last?

01:44:29.000 How long would it last?

01:44:30.000 Before some people would implode just by Twitter and Facebook comments.

01:44:35.000 Yeah, it would be a great podcast, though.

01:44:36.000 The Archie Bunker Podcast.

01:44:38.000 Watch it!

01:44:40.000 You can't be racist like that anymore.

01:44:42.000 It just doesn't exist.

01:44:43.000 No, it's the other way.

01:44:45.000 You have to have every type of demographic in a show.

01:44:49.000 Yeah, you've got to cover everything.

01:44:51.000 You've got to cover every single base from top to bottom.

01:44:54.000 Yeah.

01:44:55.000 Yeah, I mean, we live in a time where people are just more aware of what was fucked up about the past, too.

01:45:01.000 We live in a time where people are more aware of what was really bad about, you know...

01:45:05.000 Or what's going on now.

01:45:06.000 People are really aware of that.

01:45:08.000 Like, I don't think there could be another Holocaust now. 0.99

01:45:11.000 You know, people would know about it instantly.

01:45:13.000 I wonder.

01:45:14.000 I mean, look at North Korea.

01:45:16.000 They could have something similar there.

01:45:18.000 I wonder how many people would have to die before they would act, before people...

01:45:23.000 Well, they don't have oil there.

01:45:24.000 They don't have resources there that we need.

01:45:26.000 Right?

01:45:26.000 Yeah.

01:45:27.000 But I mean, like, how far could it go?

01:45:30.000 I mean, he is essentially the last of the great dictators, right? 1.00

01:45:33.000 How far do you think he'd go with his human rights atrocities before we, as a united world, said, fuck this guy? 0.99

01:45:40.000 I mean, it's clear. 0.99

01:45:41.000 All he would have to do is go past a border.

01:45:45.000 Once he's like, I need more land, or I need more people, or I need more resources, then we're just like, no way.

01:45:51.000 It happened.

01:45:52.000 It was the Korean War, right?

01:45:54.000 Yeah.

01:45:55.000 Yeah, was that?

01:45:56.000 We're just fine. 0.99

01:45:56.000 If he's contained there, killing all these people that we don't care about, you know. 0.99

01:46:01.000 Yeah, was that one of the few times in... 0.98

01:46:05.000 History where there's like, there's a North Korea and a South Korea, and they live right next to each other, and they fucking hate each other, and they look exactly the same. 0.85

01:46:14.000 Well, it's India and Pakistan is like that, too.

01:46:17.000 Similar, but they have different religions, right?

01:46:18.000 Yeah.

01:46:19.000 Don't they?

01:46:20.000 Doesn't India and Pakistan, don't they show like Indians more Hindu, Pakistan is more Muslim? 0.83

01:46:25.000 Muslim.

01:46:25.000 Yeah, there is a religious war there, but they are so close.

01:46:29.000 There was this Vice documentary about...

01:46:31.000 I feel like Vice documentary are just fodder for hipsters to have conversations.

01:46:36.000 You see this Vice doc, man?

01:46:38.000 No, where they show the border, and there's just these troops just staring at each other.

01:46:43.000 Like Pakistan troops and India troops just looking at each other a few feet away.

01:46:48.000 Just like, don't do it, man.

01:46:49.000 And they all have bombs, both sides.

01:46:51.000 Oh, yeah, they have nukes.

01:46:52.000 Yeah, it's like us being at war with Mexico.

01:46:54.000 You know, like going down to La Jolla and you're looking across the border at tanks pointing in your direction.

01:46:59.000 We were, yeah.

01:47:00.000 This was Mexico.

01:47:01.000 Yeah, a big part of it.

01:47:03.000 Yeah, that's one of the big issues with some people in L.A. is that L.A. was stolen from the Mexicans. 1.00

01:47:11.000 You know, there was some radical UCLA professor that I remember he had these videos that he was putting out.

01:47:17.000 This is stolen!

01:47:18.000 Latino land! 0.98

01:47:20.000 And he had this crazy speech that he was giving.

01:47:22.000 Like, stolen?

01:47:23.000 What generation are we talking about here, man?

01:47:26.000 When was this stolen?

01:47:27.000 I mean, it was one in a war.

01:47:30.000 By the way, it wasn't yours to begin with.

01:47:33.000 What about the Native Americans?

01:47:36.000 Mexico is Native American plus Spanish.

01:47:39.000 That's what it is.

01:47:39.000 Spaniards came down, landed, the Incas.

01:47:42.000 They bred. 0.99

01:47:43.000 Everybody had sex. 0.98

01:47:44.000 That is a lot of what Mexico is. 0.99

01:47:46.000 That's a lot of Mexican heritage.

01:47:48.000 It has to do with people from Spain who came over to Mexico.

01:47:52.000 I mean, that's the real reality.

01:47:54.000 And when you go back before then, are we going to give everything to the Inuits? 0.98

01:48:00.000 Are we going to give everything to the people that came over from Asia, the Bering Strait?

01:48:04.000 They're the original ones.

01:48:05.000 The Native Americans are the original Mexicans, the original North Americans. 0.66

01:48:10.000 It wasn't all Mexico.

01:48:11.000 This is all people.

01:48:13.000 It's all people.

01:48:14.000 Yeah, and we destroyed them.

01:48:17.000 The only argument, though... 0.99

01:48:18.000 We annihilated these people. 1.00

01:48:20.000 We wiped them off the face of the earth. 0.99

01:48:22.000 There's a lot of that.

01:48:23.000 The other argument is that...

01:48:26.000 We don't let them come over here.

01:48:29.000 There's a clear border.

01:48:31.000 There's a clear border.

01:48:32.000 There's a lot of issues.

01:48:33.000 It's hard to just get over here.

01:48:36.000 It doesn't matter who owns it.

01:48:38.000 It's everybody's.

01:48:39.000 Not really.

01:48:41.000 You can't really come over here.

01:48:44.000 If you do, they keep an eye on you.

01:48:45.000 They don't want you to stay.

01:48:47.000 Did you hear we just busted a Russian spy ring recently?

01:48:51.000 That's still a thing?

01:48:52.000 We still have Russian spies.

01:48:54.000 Did you hear about the hot chick that they had that was a Russian spy? 1.00

01:48:57.000 Yes.

01:48:57.000 Wow.

01:48:58.000 It was a hot chick that was like chatting guys up and getting information. 1.00

01:49:02.000 Wow.

01:49:03.000 She's like a superstar back in Russia.

01:49:03.000 And now she's back.

01:49:06.000 Yeah.

01:49:06.000 We deported her.

01:49:07.000 How cool is it that Russia's a villain again? 1.00

01:49:09.000 Yeah.

01:49:10.000 I mean, it's been many years.

01:49:11.000 I think they always have been.

01:49:13.000 I think it's just...

01:49:14.000 It's not cool at all.

01:49:14.000 Yeah.

01:49:15.000 Is this really the only way that you could search things yet we have to see you search in front of those cameras now?

01:49:20.000 Hello.

01:49:21.000 That's the only way to do it?

01:49:22.000 Is that Amy Adams?

01:49:25.000 Okay, let's buy a couple more things because this is awkward.

01:49:28.000 Yeah, that's her. 0.60

01:49:29.000 That's the Russian. 0.93

01:49:30.000 Oh, man.

01:49:31.000 And she's in like the Maxim, the version of Maxim in Russia.

01:49:34.000 Look.

01:49:37.000 Being hot is more interesting than anything else that you do.

01:49:40.000 Oh, yeah.

01:49:41.000 Was she an escort? 0.83

01:49:42.000 Or how did she... 0.53

01:49:43.000 Well, she was a spy, and she worked for Russia. 0.98

01:49:47.000 Yeah, but what do spies do? 0.90

01:49:47.000 And she would, like, mate with guys, breed with them, get their sperm and their ideas and information. 0.90

01:49:56.000 She would, um... 0.91

01:49:58.000 Oh, she sent marriage proposal to Edward Snowden.

01:50:00.000 She looks like a Bond spy.

01:50:01.000 She really looks like it.

01:50:03.000 She tweeted a marriage proposal, but that was back in 2013. She might have since gone on to a thousand different dicks. 1.00

01:50:11.000 Yeah, that's the next article. 0.98

01:50:13.000 Yeah, who knows?

01:50:14.000 Who knows who she's bringing? 0.99

01:50:15.000 X-Russian Spy goes to a thousand dicks. 0.97

01:50:18.000 It's hilarious, though, that they hired a woman to go over and seduce men and get information from them. 0.98

01:50:24.000 It's cute.

01:50:24.000 Smart.

01:50:26.000 Russians, man, they will never be okay with just being... 1.00

01:50:28.000 Number two. 0.98

01:50:29.000 Number two.

01:50:30.000 Yeah, they can't.

01:50:30.000 Nobody wants to be number two.

01:50:31.000 All these guys, too, like Putin and all the guys who run the government were part of...

01:50:35.000 You know, the real USSR. They were raised in that. 1.00

01:50:39.000 That's normal to them.

01:50:39.000 Yeah.

01:50:41.000 Well, Putin is the most gangster of all the people today that's in control of a large government because he's so transparent.

01:50:48.000 Like when they arrest people and take away their businesses and throw them in the gulag.

01:50:53.000 Right.

01:50:54.000 It's awful.

01:50:54.000 He's like their Reagan.

01:50:56.000 Yeah.

01:50:59.000 We've never had anybody like Putin.

01:51:01.000 The guy got elected out, like he left, like he did his term, left, put some puppet government in his place, and then went back and started running it again.

01:51:10.000 They're very alpha culture.

01:51:12.000 I grew up with a lot of Russians.

01:51:14.000 It's really all about strongest, most, best jewelry, best dressed.

01:51:19.000 It's very alpha.

01:51:21.000 These guys are so alpha.

01:51:22.000 Well, they have to probably survive that weather.

01:51:25.000 Isn't there probably some...

01:51:27.000 Right.

01:51:27.000 You need a lot of Fila jumpsuits.

01:51:30.000 If you're living in Russia.

01:51:32.000 No, but I mean like the genetics, just the culture and the genes to survive that sort of an environment.

01:51:37.000 Unbelievably harsh climate.

01:51:39.000 So many didn't.

01:51:40.000 Scant resources under the thumb of an oppressive government.

01:51:43.000 You know, I just read a stat that directly related to Stalin, like directly related, 49 million people died.

01:51:52.000 Wow.

01:51:53.000 He killed 49 million people during his reign.

01:51:56.000 That's insane.

01:51:57.000 Yeah.

01:51:58.000 That's crazy.

01:51:58.000 I never would have thought it was that high.

01:51:59.000 Yeah, 49 million.

01:52:01.000 Wow.

01:52:01.000 Like, unnatural causes.

01:52:03.000 That's so fucked. 1.00

01:52:04.000 And he put them in camps, like concentration camps and stuff. 1.00

01:52:06.000 Isn't it funny that he doesn't get brought up the same way like Hitler does or any of these other horrible murders? 0.94

01:52:12.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:52:12.000 Because he's too scary.

01:52:13.000 He has too much power.

01:52:14.000 I think, you know, that's...

01:52:15.000 Or, I mean, uh, never mind.

01:52:17.000 Yeah, I don't know why.

01:52:18.000 I meant Russia in general.

01:52:20.000 No, we're talking about someone killing 49 million people.

01:52:23.000 He killed 49 million people.

01:52:25.000 Yeah.

01:52:27.000 That's so bizarre that that's not brought up on a regular basis.

01:52:30.000 I couldn't believe it either.

01:52:31.000 I looked at it and I was like, this can't be real.

01:52:33.000 Yeah, he basically would just send people to these Siberian gulags and they would just work to death and he would just kill them.

01:52:40.000 What's the number of people that Hitler supposedly killed?

01:52:43.000 Eight million, right?

01:52:44.000 Isn't that weird?

01:52:45.000 Yeah, it is weird.

01:52:46.000 That's very strange that he's responsible for so much more.

01:52:49.000 I mean, it was quicker.

01:52:49.000 Hitler did that very quickly.

01:52:51.000 And was going to keep going.

01:52:51.000 Yeah.

01:52:53.000 I think so.

01:52:54.000 He's just getting ramped up.

01:52:56.000 Yeah, Hitler is like a different category than any evil.

01:53:00.000 You know, there's like evil and then there's a huge jump to Hitler. 0.92

01:53:03.000 No one even approaches that.

01:53:04.000 Well, I think the really scary thing about Hitler for a lot of people wasn't just that he was evil, because there have been evil people throughout history, but that he was incredibly charismatic and we can watch it. 0.59

01:53:13.000 Right.

01:53:14.000 We can actually see it on a film for one of the first times.

01:53:17.000 If someone can go back and see video footage of Alexander the Great and go, oh, that's what was going on.

01:53:22.000 Or Napoleon.

01:53:23.000 Oh, that's what was going on.

01:53:24.000 But we can see Stalin and we don't talk about that.

01:53:27.000 Yep.

01:53:28.000 Yeah.

01:53:29.000 There's something about those speeches that Hitler gave, though, where he was out there in front of all those... 0.99

01:53:35.000 His fucking hair was going crazy and he's screaming and he's methed up. 0.99

01:53:39.000 Now that we know what he was doing. 0.99

01:53:40.000 Oh he was?

01:53:41.000 He was all methed up.

01:53:43.000 He was a great artist.

01:53:46.000 He was a painter, yeah.

01:53:48.000 Was he?

01:53:48.000 George W. Bush is a painter, too.

01:53:50.000 Have you seen the paintings he does now?

01:53:50.000 Oh, he's great.

01:53:52.000 I would love to buy one of his paintings.

01:53:53.000 Ugh. 1.00

01:53:54.000 Most bad karma you would have having those fucking things in your house? 1.00

01:53:56.000 He paints stuff that a nine-year-old would paint. 1.00

01:53:59.000 Kitty cats.

01:53:59.000 He paints like a dog.

01:53:59.000 Yeah.

01:54:01.000 He paints like a hand turkey.

01:54:02.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:54:04.000 A hand turkey.

01:54:06.000 Yeah, he paints like a kitten, and like, you know, has a little blue underneath it as the background, and then that's it. 1.00

01:54:15.000 His artwork is dog shit. 1.00

01:54:17.000 Who, Hitler? 1.00

01:54:18.000 Jesus, Brian, you gotta pay attention.

01:54:18.000 No, Bush!

01:54:20.000 You can't just sit there on your iPad.

01:54:22.000 Seriously, you can't just interject in the middle.

01:54:22.000 No.

01:54:25.000 This is twice you did that in a row where you didn't know what we were saying.

01:54:28.000 No, I know what you were saying the first time and the second time.

01:54:30.000 I was looking at Stalin and it says 40 to 60 million is what I was watching when you guys started this second story.

01:54:34.000 When?

01:54:35.000 What?

01:54:35.000 You said it was how many million did you say?

01:54:38.000 49 million?

01:54:38.000 Yeah, they were saying actually historians are saying 40 to 60 million.

01:54:42.000 So that's what I was looking at and I thought you guys were talking about it.

01:54:45.000 No, we were just talking about George Bush's artwork. 1.00

01:54:48.000 His dog shit artwork. 1.00

01:54:49.000 Wait, you're saying Hitler killed 60 million? 1.00

01:54:50.000 No.

01:54:51.000 No.

01:54:52.000 Stalin. 0.56

01:54:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:54:53.000 40 to 60. Right.

01:54:55.000 That's a huge range.

01:54:56.000 That's a jump of 20 million.

01:54:57.000 That is when you're talking about people being murdered.

01:54:59.000 That's a huge range. 1.00

01:55:00.000 Yeah, fuck. 1.00

01:55:01.000 Yeah, maybe 20 more million than we thought. 1.00

01:55:03.000 Well, that's often the case with serial killers, too.

01:55:06.000 Like, everybody's scared of, like, certain serial killers.

01:55:08.000 And then you hear about some that no one even knows about, and they killed, like, 100 people.

01:55:08.000 Yeah.

01:55:12.000 Oh, man.

01:55:12.000 It's like...

01:55:12.000 How does everybody not know?

01:55:14.000 You ever think about how many... 1.00

01:55:15.000 Look at this fucking shitty artwork. 1.00

01:55:16.000 This is George Bush's shitty artwork. 1.00

01:55:18.000 God, he draws puppies and shit. 1.00

01:55:20.000 And he wears an apron. 1.00

01:55:22.000 I know.

01:55:23.000 Who does that?

01:55:24.000 You know I'm wearing a paint with an apron on. 0.99

01:55:26.000 Could you imagine the fucking nightmares that guy must have? 0.99

01:55:29.000 I don't think he knows. 0.99

01:55:30.000 I think that guy is so simple that he is just like, whatever.

01:55:34.000 Some people told me to do things and I did them.

01:55:37.000 Might be right.

01:55:38.000 Yeah, he might be right.

01:55:39.000 That guy sleeps just fine.

01:55:41.000 What about Dick Cheney?

01:55:42.000 How does he sleep? 0.78

01:55:42.000 He sleeps with a baby in his mouth. 0.78

01:55:46.000 He sleeps chewing on a baby.

01:55:48.000 He painted Leno a painting.

01:55:50.000 He's perfect.

01:55:51.000 That's hilarious.

01:55:53.000 George Bush made a painting of Jay Leno for Jay Leno.

01:55:53.000 That's so good.

01:55:56.000 He gives you a painting.

01:55:57.000 Wow.

01:55:58.000 Who would have thought that guy was a war criminal?

01:56:00.000 Can you imagine all the time he spent making that painting?

01:56:03.000 Just imagine how creepy you would feel about George Bush just sitting there thinking of nothing but you for hours while he's painting you.

01:56:09.000 Look how proud he looks.

01:56:10.000 He's like...

01:56:11.000 I made this for you.

01:56:13.000 And Jay Leno's like, it's haunted.

01:56:15.000 I feel it.

01:56:16.000 It's got the texture of a million dead Iraqis. 0.98

01:56:21.000 I found the weapons of mass destruction. 1.00

01:56:23.000 It's this fucking painting. 1.00

01:56:25.000 It's terrible artwork, man. 1.00

01:56:27.000 It's just weird that this guy is one of the most hated figures in American politics ever, worldwide.

01:56:35.000 George W. Bush, yeah.

01:56:37.000 People connect him with the Iraq War, with the Afghanistan War, with all the poor decisions.

01:56:41.000 Yeah, he's going to go down as one of the worst ever, if not the worst.

01:56:44.000 We're still too close to it.

01:56:45.000 Well, the poor decisions that were made following 9-11 and how 9-11 happened...

01:56:50.000 You know, and all the crazy conspiracy people to think that he was in on it, or they were in on it.

01:56:55.000 Yeah, you know, all those conspiracies when they're like, it's an inside job.

01:56:58.000 It's never like Bush.

01:57:01.000 You know, it's like some rogue CIA guy.

01:57:04.000 You know, I feel like people think that like, Bush is there just like, okay, we got to knock down these towers.

01:57:09.000 Well, do you remember Vincent the Chin Gigante? 0.99

01:57:12.000 Oh, yeah.

01:57:13.000 Well, you're well immersed in the crime world because of your dad.

01:57:13.000 Yeah.

01:57:17.000 He used to walk around like a crazy person with a bathrobe on and act like he was nuts. 0.87

01:57:23.000 And that's how he got away with a lot of what he did. 0.99

01:57:26.000 Like, he wouldn't talk to anybody in his house, and he would go walk, and he would walk and talk to people, and he would act like he was nuts all the time. 0.96

01:57:32.000 Well, I think it also came out later that he was nuts. 0.99

01:57:34.000 He actually was nuts. 0.99

01:57:35.000 He had schizophrenia, yeah. 0.98

01:57:36.000 Well, I guess if you act like you're nuts long enough, eventually, maybe the, like, nature, it's like, don't hold your eyes like that, we'll stay that way, you know, maybe it's one of those things.

01:57:44.000 But that is a good, yeah, you like hide in plain sight kind of thing.

01:57:46.000 Well, maybe Bush is a really smart guy, and everybody shut the door.

01:57:50.000 Is everybody gone? 0.99

01:57:51.000 Listen, man, I knew what the fuck was going on. 0.98

01:57:54.000 How do you think? 0.99

01:57:55.000 Nobody's angry at me.

01:57:57.000 Everybody hates Dick Cheney.

01:57:57.000 Notice that?

01:57:59.000 But I believe that the powers, the real powers, not like Illuminati type stuff, but the guys like the Roves and the Karl Rove, the people who actually get presidents elected, they don't want to choose people that have a lot of independent Oh yeah,

01:58:16.000 of course.

01:58:16.000 They want to choose people that are just going to be like, okay, sure, sure.

01:58:19.000 Well, that's John F. Kennedy.

01:58:20.000 Or who want power so bad that they'll just be willing to do anything for it.

01:58:23.000 Yeah.

01:58:24.000 And John F. Kennedy, that was like the big knock on him was that he wouldn't play ball.

01:58:28.000 Is that, you know, he had this idea in his head of how he was going to do things and they shot it out of him.

01:58:34.000 And people, too, you know, they're always like, why don't they just do what they said they were going to do during the election?

01:58:39.000 I found out once that, you know, there's a full day when you are elected where they take you to the CIA. If you're elected president, they take you there and they tell you all the secrets.

01:58:49.000 Like, they tell you all the secrets that people don't know.

01:58:53.000 For a full day. 0.99

01:58:55.000 They're just like, okay, here's all the shit that the American public does not know. 0.98

01:59:00.000 And then I feel like you're like, oh, well, I can't do any of that stuff I said. 0.99

01:59:04.000 Like, there's like aliens pointing something at us.

01:59:08.000 You know, who knows what, you know? 0.98

01:59:09.000 Well, there's for sure some shit that we're doing, like, covertly that a lot of people think, we're going to close Guantanamo Bay. 0.97

01:59:15.000 Actually, no, you're not. 0.98

01:59:17.000 And here's why.

01:59:18.000 And you're like, oh, yeah, I'm not.

01:59:20.000 Yeah, of course.

01:59:21.000 Yeah, there's so much stuff. 1.00

01:59:24.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:59:24.000 And there's so many financial interests. 1.00

01:59:26.000 I've got to pee.

01:59:26.000 Is that cool?

01:59:27.000 Yeah, go ahead, dude.

01:59:27.000 Go ahead.

01:59:28.000 Yeah, we've got to wrap this thing up soon anyway.

01:59:28.000 Can I do that?

01:59:30.000 Unfortunately, I've got to get out of here.

01:59:31.000 All right, we'll just wrap it up, man.

01:59:33.000 Your episode is going to be when?

01:59:35.000 Your episode on This Is Not Happening.

01:59:37.000 The 12th.

01:59:38.000 The 12th.

01:59:39.000 February 12th.

01:59:40.000 And This Is Not Happening is on?

01:59:42.000 1230 a.m.

01:59:42.000 on Comedy Central.

01:59:43.000 In what nights?

01:59:45.000 What's the 12th?

01:59:46.000 Thursday nights?

01:59:46.000 Thursday nights at 1230. And it's our pal Ari Shafir's show and Barry Rothbart.

01:59:52.000 You can follow him on Twitter.

01:59:53.000 Dude, we've got to do another one.

01:59:55.000 Let's do a long one next time.

01:59:56.000 I have more time and you have more time. 0.98

01:59:58.000 Fucking awesome. 0.93

01:59:58.000 Love talking to you. 0.93

01:59:59.000 You're a funny dude.

02:00:00.000 Very interesting story, too.

02:00:01.000 Your life story is amazing, man.

02:00:03.000 Yeah, we get into it.

02:00:04.000 So follow him on Twitter.

02:00:05.000 Twitter?

02:00:06.000 Twitter.

02:00:07.000 Barry Rothbart.

02:00:08.000 And watch his show on February 12th.

02:00:12.000 12th.

02:00:13.000 Yes.

02:00:13.000 On Comedy Central, 12.30 on Thursday night.

02:00:16.000 This is not happening.

02:00:17.000 Alright, friends.

02:00:17.000 We'll see you next week.

02:00:18.000 Much love.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 28, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #605 - Barry Rothbart

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