The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #624 - Tom Segura

00:00:15.000 So, I got that book in the mail.

00:00:17.000 You got it?

00:00:18.000 I got that book.

00:00:19.000 The Real Man.

00:00:19.000 Have you been getting better?

00:00:21.000 I've been working on my real man skills.

00:00:24.000 Tommy Bunz, this is Tom Segura, ladies and gentlemen, aka Tommy Bunz from Your Mom's House podcast and many other things.

00:00:30.000 But he introduced me to a great man, a man who wrote a book that every man should read.

00:00:36.000 What is his name again?

00:00:37.000 Julian Ray?

00:00:38.000 You nailed it.

00:00:39.000 Julian Ray.

00:00:40.000 And he wrote a book called The Real Man, which might be the worst book that anybody ever wrote.

00:00:46.000 You know, it's epic on a lot of levels.

00:00:49.000 Do you know what I was thinking about after you left?

00:00:51.000 What?

00:00:51.000 Is that, like every dude, it really is his...

00:00:56.000 It's his game for getting laid, was making that book.

00:00:59.000 He's the guy that goes like... 1.00

00:01:02.000 Ignore these guys that are they're whistling at you and saying things about the way I respect you But you know I mean like it's that play to get laid and writing that book is just his play To get pussy is what I'm saying, right? 0.99

00:01:16.000 It's his play to separate himself from the pack by showing his wisdom Exactly and showing and being like I'm not a pig right like these other guys everyone else We're over it. 0.99

00:01:27.000 What is that connected to TriCaster thing?

00:01:29.000 So we're at Tommy's house.

00:01:31.000 You see those yellow tabs?

00:01:32.000 If you don't see this live, what he has is this thing, this book where he has these yellow tabs at virtually everything interesting in the book.

00:01:42.000 So they're overflowing with yellow tabs.

00:01:45.000 And Tommy just goes to them and just laughing as he's going to each tab, just like that.

00:01:50.000 Every time you go to the table, look at your face.

00:01:52.000 You're so happy.

00:01:54.000 I... I started doing that because I saw Oprah do it with books when she had guests.

00:02:00.000 She was like, let me read you a passage from your book.

00:02:01.000 And so I was like, I've got to start marking my favorite passages from this book.

00:02:05.000 With post-it notes, that's a very clever way of doing it.

00:02:07.000 There are three separate chapters in this book that address just smelling good.

00:02:15.000 He has a chapter called Smell.

00:02:17.000 He has a chapter called Body Odor.

00:02:20.000 And a chapter called Sanitation.

00:02:23.000 Why? 0.93

00:02:23.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.93

00:02:24.000 It's crazy. 0.98

00:02:25.000 It's all basically don't smell bad.

00:02:28.000 Oh, that is so funny.

00:02:29.000 Yeah.

00:02:30.000 And that dude gave me that book in person, you know?

00:02:32.000 Yeah, he ran up to you in Hong Kong, right?

00:02:35.000 Yep.

00:02:35.000 That's hilarious.

00:02:36.000 And then we found his dating profile online.

00:02:40.000 Did you get that, too?

00:02:41.000 No.

00:02:43.000 What?

00:02:44.000 Yeah, he has a dating profile?

00:02:46.000 We don't need to mock this gentleman anymore than we already have.

00:02:48.000 It's already heavy.

00:02:49.000 It feels cruel.

00:02:49.000 And I read it in full on my podcast, his dating profile.

00:02:53.000 He's been mocked.

00:02:54.000 Plenty. 1.00

00:02:56.000 He's probably like, every time he hears about it, he's like, that one fucking book. 1.00

00:02:59.000 Yep. 1.00

00:02:59.000 If I just didn't go up to him and gave him that one fucking book. 1.00

00:03:03.000 That one guy. 1.00

00:03:03.000 That one asshole. 1.00

00:03:04.000 Yeah, he says he dabbles in stand-up, too. 1.00

00:03:06.000 I bet he's hilarious.

00:03:08.000 Mm-hmm.

00:03:10.000 He should be on the Ding Dong Show.

00:03:11.000 Yeah, no.

00:03:12.000 He would crush it there.

00:03:14.000 Yeah, he would crush the Ding Dong Show.

00:03:15.000 There's a lot of weird dudes out there, man.

00:03:17.000 There is.

00:03:18.000 And you know what?

00:03:19.000 That's the thing.

00:03:20.000 I actually was like...

00:03:21.000 You know, he...

00:03:23.000 I really think that every dude's personality to a degree is developed as their play to get laid.

00:03:30.000 You know what I mean?

00:03:31.000 Everyone takes their angle.

00:03:33.000 Some are more genuine than others, but I think he really got into this because he thought, this will be the way that I do it.

00:03:38.000 This is my way to get girls. 1.00

00:03:40.000 By writing a book, telling everybody how to be.

00:03:43.000 I think so.

00:03:44.000 I think in his mind, it'll show these other ladies that like... 1.00

00:03:51.000 I'm so respectful of women that you should give me a chance. 0.85

00:03:56.000 That's how I see it.

00:03:57.000 So respectful that I'm published.

00:03:59.000 Yeah.

00:03:59.000 Is there like misspellings in this book and everything?

00:04:02.000 Because I'm looking at all the reviews, which are all your fans, I can tell, but it looks like he spelled breath wrong, or what's the breath thing?

00:04:09.000 Well, is there an E at the end?

00:04:12.000 It's B-U-R-E-T-H. Your breathe should be delicious and refreshing. 0.98

00:04:17.000 Bad breathe.

00:04:17.000 Yeah, I mean, there's nine word chapters, so...

00:04:20.000 Oh.

00:04:24.000 Not paragraphs.

00:04:25.000 Yeah, chapters.

00:04:26.000 Wow.

00:04:27.000 Yeah.

00:04:28.000 Yeah, poor guy.

00:04:30.000 Well, you know what, man?

00:04:31.000 Maybe he enjoys it.

00:04:33.000 Everybody's got a different frequency. 0.99

00:04:34.000 Maybe to him, he's like, I don't know what the fuck these guys are talking about. 0.99

00:04:36.000 I nailed it. 0.98

00:04:37.000 I go over that book with a fine-tooth comb, I don't find any flaws.

00:04:40.000 Matter of fact, I think it might be the greatest piece of literature ever created.

00:04:43.000 Yeah, and then, you know, people started, I think you said it, and then I got a bunch of emails from people being like, we have to make this a New York Times bestseller.

00:04:54.000 I bought it immediately.

00:04:55.000 Amazon one-clicked it while I was on your show. 0.99

00:04:57.000 You know he's been getting emails like notifying him of either reviews or sales where he's like, this shit's finally taken off. 0.98

00:05:06.000 I've been waiting for this to take off, and it just picked up this week. 0.96

00:05:10.000 I've told you that story about Joey Diaz hiding behind the curtains of the Comedy Store while this woman was on stage.

00:05:15.000 This woman used to bomb every week. 1.00

00:05:17.000 She was an open-miker.

00:05:18.000 But she was one of those open-mikers that was always there. 1.00

00:05:21.000 She was always there.

00:05:22.000 She was there on a Friday night, Saturday night.

00:05:24.000 I think they kicked her out of the store. 1.00

00:05:25.000 I don't think she's allowed to go to the store anymore. 0.98

00:05:27.000 She was crazy. 0.69

00:05:28.000 Anyway, she's on stage and doing her usual jokes.

00:05:31.000 But Joey Diaz had snuck behind the stage and he was back behind the curtain.

00:05:35.000 He drops his pants.

00:05:36.000 And every time she says a punchline, he opens the curtains and people see his belly, his ball bag, his chest.

00:05:43.000 And then he closes the curtains, and it's like, it was the ultimate punchline machine.

00:05:50.000 And she crushed, dude.

00:05:52.000 She crushed.

00:05:53.000 She was strutting on stage with confidence.

00:05:56.000 She was like, all of a sudden, people get it.

00:05:58.000 They finally get me.

00:06:00.000 That's so great!

00:06:02.000 It's so great.

00:06:03.000 Did she find out right away or no?

00:06:06.000 She never found out.

00:06:07.000 To this day, I don't say her name when I talk about it because I don't want people to know.

00:06:11.000 Maybe I said it once.

00:06:12.000 But most of the time, I don't say her name.

00:06:16.000 And you know, though, that when she tells people about Stamps, she's like, should have been there, man.

00:06:20.000 June 7th, 2003. Well, I was there the next time she got on stage, or one of the next times she got on stage.

00:06:27.000 And she's like, God, this audience sucks! 0.97

00:06:30.000 She's like, all of a sudden, it was like the audience's fault. 0.99

00:06:33.000 That's so funny.

00:06:34.000 There's such a funny thing about, like, some of the...

00:06:37.000 I remember, like, some open micers, their unwavering, like, dedication... 0.98

00:06:44.000 To sticking to, and I'm saying not like somebody who's developing, like who's horrific, and they're just like, nope, every fucking time.

00:06:53.000 How long have you been to it? 0.94

00:06:54.000 19 years.

00:06:54.000 And you're like, Jesus Christ.

00:06:56.000 Well, you know what it becomes, man?

00:06:57.000 It becomes like their culture.

00:06:58.000 Like that's their hangout.

00:07:00.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:07:01.000 That is like amateur bowling night.

00:07:04.000 Like should you only bowl if you're going to be a professional bowler?

00:07:07.000 Right. 0.99

00:07:07.000 You know, I mean, to someone who's like a serious bowler and they watch some fuckheads like you and I go there and gutterball it and... 0.99

00:07:14.000 You guys are taking up lanes, man! 0.99

00:07:16.000 Rolling in as hard as you can.

00:07:17.000 Yeah, totally.

00:07:18.000 That's what I do.

00:07:19.000 That's what I do, too. 0.98

00:07:20.000 I'm fucking terrible at bowling, but... 1.00

00:07:21.000 I'm gonna shot put this shit down there. 1.00

00:07:23.000 Think about it, man. 1.00

00:07:24.000 We don't respect that at all out of comedians.

00:07:27.000 Right. 1.00

00:07:27.000 Like, if you're a terrible bowler and you go to the bowling alley, the other bowler's like, look at this fucking loser. 1.00

00:07:32.000 But if you're a terrible comedian, a lot of people will look down upon you. 1.00

00:07:37.000 Definitely.

00:07:39.000 Just great judgment.

00:07:40.000 Yeah. 0.89

00:07:41.000 Disgust.

00:07:42.000 Yeah.

00:07:44.000 Yeah.

00:07:44.000 What if that happens?

00:07:45.000 I think that happens with bowlers?

00:07:48.000 I think so. 1.00

00:07:48.000 This gutter ball rolling bitch. 1.00

00:07:50.000 I think it's probably like, you know, some comedians would ignore somebody really bad. 1.00

00:07:56.000 They'd just be like, yeah.

00:07:57.000 Well, sometimes you can't.

00:07:58.000 You gotta ignore them because then they'll just corner you.

00:08:01.000 True.

00:08:01.000 They'll corner you and they'll ask you what the secret is.

00:08:03.000 You gotta tell them where the leprechaun lives.

00:08:05.000 Yeah.

00:08:06.000 How often do you get asked where the secret is?

00:08:08.000 I bet it's quite a bit, right?

00:08:09.000 Not really.

00:08:10.000 No?

00:08:11.000 No.

00:08:11.000 The secret?

00:08:12.000 No.

00:08:12.000 No?

00:08:13.000 Like not even like emails?

00:08:14.000 Dude, I'm starting out.

00:08:16.000 Yeah, I get those occasionally.

00:08:18.000 But my email is not very obvious.

00:08:20.000 And the other thing is that even if I do get those, If I don't know, I can't tell you anything.

00:08:29.000 So what am I going to do?

00:08:30.000 There's very few things you could tell someone who's just starting out or someone who's not doing well.

00:08:36.000 Very few things you could tell them.

00:08:37.000 Especially without knowing them.

00:08:39.000 I used to say a lot more and now I got it down to a sentence.

00:08:42.000 I mean, I'm honest with it.

00:08:44.000 I'm just like, write a lot, get on stage a lot.

00:08:46.000 What else am I going to tell you?

00:08:47.000 Write a lot, get on stage a lot.

00:08:49.000 Not only that, there's some people that even if they write a lot and get on stage a lot, for whatever reason, they're never going to figure it out. 0.94

00:08:54.000 No matter what it is, whether it's being a musician or being good at fucking bowling.

00:09:00.000 There's people that I played pool with back when I played pool. 0.95

00:09:02.000 I played pool for years.

00:09:03.000 There's people that never got any better than they were the first time I met them.

00:09:06.000 That is crazy.

00:09:07.000 I mean, and I know it's not, I'm not saying it about just those people, but that is kind of a fascinating thing, where, like, you don't- They never get better.

00:09:14.000 You have no progression.

00:09:15.000 There's a lot of people like that in martial arts.

00:09:17.000 Really?

00:09:18.000 There's a lot of people like that, yeah.

00:09:19.000 Yeah, there's a lot of people that would hit this, like, really low-level proficiency, where they certainly got better than the first day.

00:09:27.000 Right.

00:09:27.000 They weren't like they were in the first day, but they only got to, like, a certain level.

00:09:31.000 And then they just stopped.

00:09:32.000 They stopped figuring out.

00:09:33.000 I don't think it's an athletic talent thing.

00:09:35.000 I think it's like a focus thing or a desire thing.

00:09:39.000 That's something you realize as you get older is that some people do not have the ability to hone in and like zone, focus on something really hard.

00:09:49.000 Some people have an unbelievable, like the best athletes have this amazing ability to focus on their goal, on their training, on what they're doing.

00:09:59.000 And then, you know, artists too, like they focus on their music, on their writing.

00:10:03.000 And I've noticed that there's just people, friends in life who, they can't focus on anything.

00:10:09.000 Like they can't make their job that they might like or not like.

00:10:16.000 A big part of like they're you know wanting to get they want to get they want to progress But they don't know how to focus on getting better at it.

00:10:22.000 Mm-hmm.

00:10:22.000 They're like I wish I was further along But you're there they're just so scrambled all the time That's a really common thing with comedians and they pretend that they're not scrambled, right?

00:10:32.000 They always want to tell you how organized they are now.

00:10:34.000 Yeah, no.

00:10:35.000 Yeah, man. 0.99

00:10:35.000 I got notes now and everything look at this book They do the same goddamn material every goddamn week for years on end. 0.99

00:10:43.000 I got a guy a fucking guest spot At a club. 0.99

00:10:46.000 And I shouldn't have. 0.99

00:10:48.000 And I was working the club and I had worked with him before. 0.99

00:10:53.000 And this lady was like, oh shit. 1.00

00:10:55.000 Well, she goes, so he's good? 1.00

00:10:58.000 And I'm like, yeah, watch him.

00:10:59.000 And so he does this set on the first show.

00:11:03.000 It was like a Saturday night.

00:11:04.000 He does a guest spot.

00:11:05.000 And it doesn't go well. 0.98

00:11:07.000 And he was like, fuck, you know, what I'm going to do is on the second, because there's a second show, he's like, I'll do a whole other set. 0.99

00:11:13.000 And I was like, all right. 0.99

00:11:15.000 And I go, well, just watch him on the second show.

00:11:17.000 He's going to do a completely different set.

00:11:18.000 Because he, you know, he was like, that was this material.

00:11:20.000 I'll do all this other material.

00:11:21.000 I go, okay.

00:11:22.000 And he just went up there and did the exact same set as the first show.

00:11:26.000 And I was like, you spent ten minutes explaining to me how you were going to do all different material.

00:11:33.000 And he was like, yeah, I don't know.

00:11:34.000 I don't know what happened.

00:11:36.000 He panicked, that's what happened.

00:11:38.000 Yeah, he panicked, yeah.

00:11:39.000 He panicked.

00:11:39.000 He didn't feel comfortable enough to do it.

00:11:42.000 Well, sometimes when you're doing stand-up, especially When you're new, there's this mindset where you're so worried about the response that you're almost anticipating it while you're telling the joke, which distracts from your focus of the joke, which makes the joke bad.

00:11:59.000 And you get super nervous and then you go into this weird shell.

00:12:03.000 And that's when guys start busting out really familiar material just to try to get back on track or to get on track.

00:12:09.000 That's true.

00:12:09.000 Yeah.

00:12:10.000 So that's probably what he did.

00:12:11.000 Yeah, yeah, you're right.

00:12:12.000 And then he couldn't, I think he probably, he probably started with one joke from the first set, and then when that didn't, like, make him feel comfortable, he goes, I'll just keep doing the first set.

00:12:21.000 He never felt comfortable enough to switch it up.

00:12:24.000 Well, you know what guest sets, the problem with those things are, too?

00:12:26.000 A lot of them are by dudes who don't work that much.

00:12:29.000 So when they go up, it's a big deal. 0.87

00:12:31.000 And they fucking panic because it's a sold-out room, like on a Friday night or something like that. 0.97

00:12:36.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.98

00:12:37.000 I stopped giving those out a long time ago.

00:12:40.000 It's just too many disasters.

00:12:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:41.000 I saw some goddamn disastrous guest sets. 0.99

00:12:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:46.000 Friends, you know, you light them up like, yeah, I'm starting to do stand-up again.

00:12:49.000 Really?

00:12:50.000 How long have you been doing it?

00:12:51.000 Well, I went up last week, went well.

00:12:53.000 Yeah, like, all right, go ahead.

00:12:55.000 I'll tell you this, this is something that totally changed, and it's because of, like, just practice at anything changes how you do, you know, how you do anything.

00:13:05.000 And, you know, when I first started out, all my sets were 7 minutes and then 10 minutes and 15 minutes, you know, and so on.

00:13:12.000 And there was a point where, like, I could do, like, just crazy good, solid work. 0.60

00:13:18.000 10-minute sets and then now for the last couple years the majority of the time I'm on stage It's like an hour like that's what I you know you go up there you do an hour Now when I do a 10-minute set I'm like like what the fuck am I gonna do in 10 minutes? 0.97

00:13:34.000 You panic!

00:13:35.000 Yeah, I really like start to like figure like what should I and then you're like what should I take out of the hour to do here or how do I introduce a new 10 minutes?

00:13:43.000 It's a whole different thing for me now That's why it's really hard for people to do TV shows, like Letterman or something like that.

00:13:48.000 You're doing five minutes?

00:13:50.000 I've done it twice.

00:13:51.000 I've done, not Letterman, but I've done Conan and I've done The Late Late Show.

00:13:54.000 And, uh, absolutely. 0.98

00:13:56.000 It's like, and then, and both of them, there's a guy behind the camera who's circling his, like, will you wrap this shit up? 0.96

00:14:03.000 You're at five minutes and eight seconds. 0.96

00:14:05.000 Like, that's long, you know?

00:14:06.000 So he's like this, and you're just like, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore.

00:14:09.000 Yeah, you gotta ignore that guy. 0.99

00:14:10.000 That guy's distracting as fuck. 0.97

00:14:12.000 Yeah, he's just trying to get that, you know, do his job, but yeah, that's hard to do. 0.99

00:14:16.000 There's a lot of those just trying to do my job people that are annoying. 0.98

00:14:19.000 When Ari was filming his special, there was some fucking dude that was working the camera. 1.00

00:14:23.000 He was talking like this, like in the back of the comedy store, which is about- As he's shooting? 0.99

00:14:28.000 Ten foot deep, you know? 0.99

00:14:29.000 How big is the fucking comedy store? 1.00

00:14:31.000 It's a small place. 1.00

00:14:32.000 And this guy, the cameras are moving back and forth.

00:14:35.000 They decided to have cameras on dollies, like they way overproduced it.

00:14:38.000 They needed to just set some cameras up in the corners, set them up, get a static shot.

00:14:42.000 You don't have to keep moving around the room.

00:14:44.000 Like, just stop.

00:14:46.000 But they did it anyway, right?

00:14:47.000 So they did it, and this guy was, like, directing things.

00:14:50.000 So he's in the back.

00:14:51.000 Yeah, Lenny, zoom in left, zoom in left.

00:14:54.000 I mean, and I'm not kidding. 0.99

00:14:55.000 People were like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:14:57.000 Like, we had to turn around. 0.99

00:14:58.000 And I had to talk to people.

00:15:00.000 I go, what is this?

00:15:00.000 Why is this guy so loud?

00:15:02.000 And they're like, he's been doing it.

00:15:03.000 We try to tell them, like, the people that work the door.

00:15:05.000 We tried to tell him to tone it down, but he didn't want to tone it down.

00:15:08.000 Because you've got to talk to these people that have the cameras.

00:15:11.000 They have to hear him clearly over the laughter.

00:15:13.000 So he's talking like this.

00:15:14.000 It's so distracting.

00:15:16.000 And that's a guy I can already tell that the more people that would tell him the quiet down, he's like, you want to do my job?

00:15:23.000 You want to do this?

00:15:24.000 I don't know if he was like that at all.

00:15:25.000 I didn't talk to him.

00:15:27.000 You tell Lenny where to zoom in then. 1.00

00:15:30.000 They don't need to move on dollies and shit. 1.00

00:15:32.000 Everybody wants to over-fucking-produce these things. 0.99

00:15:35.000 Put a camera in the center, bang! 0.95

00:15:37.000 Put a camera on the side, bang!

00:15:39.000 Put a camera on the side, bang!

00:15:40.000 Don't usually use the cameras on the side unless there's something weird going on.

00:15:44.000 Focus on that camera in the center.

00:15:45.000 All you need for a special is a wide, a medium, and a tight shot.

00:15:48.000 That's really all you need. 0.98

00:15:49.000 They want to add all kinds of crafty shit to it. 0.98

00:15:51.000 They didn't even let the Comedy Store be the Comedy Store. 0.99

00:15:53.000 When I got there, there was all these crazy lights on the side of the stage.

00:15:56.000 It was weird.

00:15:58.000 They changed the lighting.

00:15:59.000 I was like, you guys doctored it up.

00:16:03.000 If you're going to be at the Comedy Store, don't you think you should look like the Comedy Store maybe?

00:16:06.000 I think that was the point of being there. 0.98

00:16:08.000 Why is the Comedy Store all these fucking landing lights next to it? 0.97

00:16:11.000 Why is the room red? 0.98

00:16:13.000 I do like the trend.

00:16:15.000 I think it's become a trend now to go back to clubs for specials.

00:16:20.000 I like it a lot.

00:16:20.000 I love doing mine in a club.

00:16:22.000 This is my favorite special.

00:16:24.000 That's the best club, dude.

00:16:26.000 That club is amazing.

00:16:27.000 You picked the best club.

00:16:27.000 There's like four of the best clubs, but that's one of them.

00:16:30.000 That's one of them.

00:16:31.000 Helium in Portland is one of the best clubs.

00:16:33.000 Helium in Philly, that's one of the best clubs.

00:16:36.000 I agree.

00:16:37.000 Acme in Minneapolis.

00:16:38.000 I never did that.

00:16:39.000 You never did Acme?

00:16:40.000 No, I went there once. 0.94

00:16:41.000 It's ridiculous. 0.59

00:16:42.000 I went there once when Arge Barker was performing. 0.96

00:16:45.000 Really?

00:16:45.000 Yeah.

00:16:46.000 You'll lose your mind.

00:16:47.000 It looked amazing.

00:16:48.000 It's just like those clubs, just like Comedy Works downtown.

00:16:52.000 Go Bananas, Cincinnati is a fun one.

00:16:53.000 That's a good one.

00:16:54.000 What else?

00:16:54.000 What other good ones are there?

00:16:56.000 Let me think.

00:16:57.000 Oh, Dangerfields in New York City?

00:16:59.000 You ever do that?

00:17:00.000 Never did that.

00:17:01.000 Ooh, that's a good one.

00:17:02.000 That's an evil club. 1.00

00:17:04.000 There's some fucking satanic shit going on in that place. 1.00

00:17:06.000 Really? 1.00

00:17:06.000 Yeah, you know, I mean, it might just be literally, it might just be like when something stays around too long. 1.00

00:17:13.000 Yeah, sure.

00:17:13.000 It just soaks up weird vibes.

00:17:16.000 The Comedy Store definitely has weird vibes in it.

00:17:18.000 There's a weird vibe to that place.

00:17:20.000 And Dangerfields has a weird vibe, too.

00:17:22.000 Although Dangerfields, for the longest time, didn't have the best comedians.

00:17:27.000 I don't know how it is now, but when I was there, there were some real good ones.

00:17:31.000 There was the occasional good one, but there was a lot of really bad comics that literally didn't work anywhere else.

00:17:36.000 That's in the city?

00:17:37.000 Yeah.

00:17:38.000 Yeah, it's on the east side somewhere.

00:17:40.000 I don't remember where it is.

00:17:41.000 But I did that place a lot.

00:17:43.000 And that's another one.

00:17:43.000 They filmed Rodney Dangerfield's comedy special there.

00:17:47.000 His HBO comedy special with Kinnison.

00:17:49.000 Dangerfield at Dangerfield's?

00:17:50.000 Yeah.

00:17:50.000 Wow.

00:17:51.000 Yeah, they filmed it with Kinnison and I think Dice.

00:17:53.000 I think Dice and Kinnison were on the same one.

00:17:55.000 That's where they shot that?

00:17:56.000 I didn't know that.

00:17:56.000 I've seen that one.

00:17:57.000 Yeah, was it Dice and Kinnison?

00:17:59.000 No.

00:17:59.000 No, Dice was with Bill Hicks, right?

00:18:01.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

00:18:03.000 Pretty sure Dice was with Bill Hicks.

00:18:05.000 Kinnison was on a different one.

00:18:06.000 But either way, they filmed the Kinnison one there at Dangerfields, and it's just perfect. 0.98

00:18:11.000 Yeah.

00:18:11.000 It's just a small stage and a small room, and everybody's shoved in there tight, and it's all dark.

00:18:16.000 There's mysterious handjobs going on throughout the room.

00:18:18.000 It's a dark place.

00:18:20.000 A lot of mysterious ones.

00:18:21.000 Yeah, it's a weird place, man.

00:18:23.000 There's that.

00:18:24.000 There's a few.

00:18:25.000 There's a few, like, let me think of some other ones that are really good. 0.95

00:18:28.000 Comedy Magic Club, pretty goddamn good. 0.70

00:18:30.000 It's a great club. 0.97

00:18:32.000 And the Ice House is the best room of all time. 1.00

00:18:34.000 Ice House is stupid good, man. 0.99

00:18:36.000 It's number one. 1.00

00:18:37.000 That's number one. 1.00

00:18:38.000 That fucking main room. 0.99

00:18:39.000 And people, like, even more people in L.A., comics, I'm saying, You know, everyone complains about how far... 0.98

00:18:47.000 Like, it's not that...

00:18:47.000 You should be going there all the time.

00:18:49.000 It's amazing. 1.00

00:18:50.000 It's 20 minutes away, you weak bitch. 1.00

00:18:52.000 Just drive over there, man. 1.00

00:18:54.000 It's the best setup in the country.

00:18:56.000 And the staff, they're the nicest people on earth.

00:18:59.000 It's the coolest, yeah.

00:18:59.000 They're so nice.

00:19:00.000 Everyone is just all hugs and laughs, and they're all sexually harassing each other. 0.85

00:19:04.000 It's hilarious.

00:19:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:06.000 They're hilarious.

00:19:06.000 How a staff should be.

00:19:07.000 The girls are mocking the dude's penises, like, openly. 0.99

00:19:10.000 I came out of the green room, and they were, like, mocking each other. 0.99

00:19:13.000 I was like, this is hilarious.

00:19:14.000 But they're laughing.

00:19:15.000 When people, like, work at comedy clubs, too, a lot of times, they have, like, the whole, like, PR thing or HR, human resources, never really comes into play.

00:19:24.000 No. 0.73

00:19:24.000 You're used to hearing about people gagging on cocks, you know, like, over and over again. 0.73

00:19:28.000 How could you get a film?

00:19:29.000 Yeah.

00:19:30.000 Yeah.

00:19:31.000 So he works here on the weekend.

00:19:33.000 You were watching like five shows.

00:19:35.000 Fisting jokes and everything.

00:19:36.000 What are you going to complain?

00:19:38.000 And so everybody's always, they're more like, what's the word you would use?

00:19:43.000 Loose with their dialogue? 0.95

00:19:45.000 I can imagine a staff person at a club like that, and then they go over to Applebee's and people are probably like, yo, what is up with you and all your cum jokes? 1.00

00:19:56.000 We're trying to serve the fucking Jack Daniels steak and shrimp. 1.00

00:19:59.000 Fucking tone it down. 1.00

00:20:00.000 Some of my favorite people work at comedy clubs. 0.99

00:20:03.000 Yeah, they're great, man.

00:20:04.000 It's a special breed.

00:20:05.000 That's another thing that we need to realize as comedians, a very important thing that I try to tell as many young guys as possible.

00:20:12.000 Everybody always wants to think that there's some sort of an adversarial relationship between you and the comedy club, especially in the beginning.

00:20:18.000 Guys like, oh, they're not paying me enough money, or they don't give me good weekends, or this and that and that and this.

00:20:25.000 There's always gonna be person-to-person conflicts, but here's what's important. 0.99

00:20:29.000 If comedy clubs weren't around, we'd be fucked. 0.93

00:20:32.000 So we need people to run comedy clubs. 0.98

00:20:34.000 And guess who's not gonna run comedy clubs?

00:20:36.000 Yeah.

00:20:37.000 Yeah.

00:20:37.000 Us.

00:20:38.000 Right.

00:20:38.000 Okay?

00:20:38.000 We need those fucking people.

00:20:40.000 We need those, yeah. 1.00

00:20:40.000 They're very important. 1.00

00:20:41.000 And they're not us.

00:20:42.000 They're different. 0.99

00:20:43.000 So imagine being a non-comedian working with a bunch of fucking nutty comedians all the time with all their crazy problems and their addictions and their excuses and showing up late. 1.00

00:20:53.000 Divas and shit. 1.00

00:20:54.000 Doing heroin on stage, you know? 1.00

00:20:56.000 Whatever the fuck they do. 0.99

00:20:57.000 Where my shoes at? 1.00

00:20:59.000 Craziness!

00:21:00.000 We've all seen people's riders, you know, where they have a fresh pair of shoes backstage for them.

00:21:05.000 I've seen riders where dudes had a fresh pair of sneakers. 1.00

00:21:07.000 Can you imagine if you had to deal with this shit? 1.00

00:21:09.000 I gotta give this guy fucking sneakers! 1.00

00:21:11.000 He's gonna have his size 11 Jordans in the box right there, waiting before he goes on stage. 1.00

00:21:15.000 He slips them on right before he goes up.

00:21:17.000 That's his ritual. 1.00

00:21:18.000 Green M&Ms, you fuck! 1.00

00:21:19.000 Only green! 1.00

00:21:21.000 Asians, you know, they're always doing something. 1.00

00:21:23.000 It's always the Asians, right? 1.00

00:21:24.000 I was going to say Pakistani, but I guess that's Asia.

00:21:27.000 That is Asia, that's true. 1.00

00:21:29.000 I did a club where they had a PlayStation, and I was like, that's the shit. 0.99

00:21:35.000 Thanks, dude. 1.00

00:21:36.000 And they're like, we got it for fucking asshole. 1.00

00:21:39.000 Who made us buy one so he would do his shows. 1.00

00:21:42.000 So enjoy. 1.00

00:21:43.000 Let it go out and buy a fucking PlayStation. 0.99

00:21:45.000 Yeah, see man, if you were a regular person just trying to run a little business, maybe it'll be a fun business. 1.00

00:21:50.000 I'm in the restaurant bar business.

00:21:52.000 Maybe I'd like to run a comedy club.

00:21:54.000 Yeah, it'd be fun, right?

00:21:54.000 And then Joey Diaz is calling you from Vegas.

00:21:57.000 Listen, dog, you gotta wire this money.

00:21:59.000 You gotta wire this money. 1.00

00:22:00.000 We got no show, cocksucker. 1.00

00:22:03.000 Joey and his crazy days. 1.00

00:22:05.000 Oh, man.

00:22:05.000 I mean, anybody.

00:22:06.000 I mean, think of the comedy nightmare stories that we've heard about comedians doing stupid shit to a club or to a club owner. 1.00

00:22:13.000 Dude, I remember... 1.00

00:22:14.000 Yeah, I know.

00:22:15.000 I remember I did a club years ago.

00:22:17.000 I get to the condo.

00:22:18.000 I'm like, how's the condo looking?

00:22:19.000 And they're like, well...

00:22:22.000 The guy that just left, he shaved his pubes in the sink, and I'm like, dude, I wish you would not have told me that.

00:22:28.000 And then, you know, so-and-so left a piece of salmon under the bed, so the whole place would smell like fish. 1.00

00:22:33.000 Oh, fucker. 1.00

00:22:34.000 Brendan Walsh. 1.00

00:22:37.000 People do shit like that, man. 1.00

00:22:40.000 And here's the other thing they do. 1.00

00:22:41.000 When people get out of the clubs, there's this thing that they do when they go to theaters.

00:22:45.000 They almost despise clubs then.

00:22:47.000 I would never go back and work the club.

00:22:48.000 I work the theater.

00:22:49.000 They have this weird image thing.

00:22:51.000 Yeah.

00:22:52.000 What's that?

00:22:53.000 Why would you be ashamed of clubs?

00:22:55.000 That's all ego. 1.00

00:22:56.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

00:22:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:58.000 And the whole thing is for 90%, maybe more, if you do make the leap, From clubs and theaters, you're still going to go back to clubs.

00:23:08.000 Almost everyone's draw dips again.

00:23:10.000 Well, Louis C.K. has one coming out that he did at the Comedy Store.

00:23:13.000 And that's one of the things that he talked about.

00:23:15.000 He's like, you know, because he does arenas now.

00:23:17.000 I mean, he does like Madison Square Garden.

00:23:18.000 Huge.

00:23:19.000 It's like 14,000 people, right?

00:23:21.000 So he does that.

00:23:21.000 He does theaters.

00:23:22.000 Yeah.

00:23:23.000 Anywhere between like a thousand and, you know, whatever.

00:23:26.000 Yeah.

00:23:27.000 And then he also does the clubs, which is everything we would consider like, I think clubs like, Everything below 500. Even like that place in Phoenix, that's kind of like a comedy club slash theater.

00:23:38.000 Which is a great room, by the way.

00:23:40.000 That's my favorite.

00:23:41.000 I think that's my favorite big room in the country.

00:23:44.000 I like that one a lot. 0.95

00:23:45.000 It's pretty goddamn good. 0.94

00:23:46.000 San Jose, that can't even be considered a comedy club, can it? 0.95

00:23:50.000 It's a theater.

00:23:51.000 It's an old theater.

00:23:53.000 It's over four, so you could technically be like it's a club, but it doesn't have the layout of a club.

00:23:59.000 It looks actually like a beautiful, historic theater.

00:24:02.000 Yeah, that place is amazing.

00:24:03.000 That's a beautiful theater.

00:24:04.000 I just did West Palm.

00:24:05.000 I did it one night there last week.

00:24:07.000 That place is giant.

00:24:09.000 Giant! 0.88

00:24:09.000 700 people. 0.88

00:24:10.000 They have TVs halfway through, so halfway through, if you're too far away, you can just look at a TV, like a UFC. And I did Irvine last month.

00:24:18.000 I did a night there.

00:24:19.000 That's a giant one.

00:24:20.000 I'm doing that in June.

00:24:21.000 I'm doing a weekend there in June.

00:24:22.000 That place is enormous, man.

00:24:24.000 But that is probably the best run comedy club.

00:24:28.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:29.000 That's got home base.

00:24:30.000 Yeah, they know there should be.

00:24:32.000 You know what else, too?

00:24:33.000 There's a lot of comedy fans out there because they've cultivated that over years and years.

00:24:37.000 And it's hard for them to get out of town. 0.99

00:24:39.000 Getting out of town sucks a fat dick if you live in Irvine. 1.00

00:24:42.000 Irvine's fucking far. 1.00

00:24:44.000 That might as well be San Diego. 0.99

00:24:47.000 It might as well be.

00:24:48.000 The difference between getting to Irvine and San Diego is just leaving the house a little earlier.

00:24:52.000 Sure.

00:24:52.000 It's far, yeah.

00:24:53.000 If you leave the house at 3 and try to get to Irvine, it's like leaving the house at 2 and trying to get to San Diego.

00:24:59.000 It is.

00:25:00.000 You get there at the same time.

00:25:01.000 Yeah.

00:25:01.000 I mean, you really will.

00:25:02.000 It's hours.

00:25:03.000 Oh my God, it's death.

00:25:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:25:05.000 But if you miss that traffic, it's crazy.

00:25:07.000 If you miss it, you're just like, I'm here an hour and a half early.

00:25:10.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:25:10.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:25:11.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:25:11.000 You can miss it, but I don't know what that time is. 1.00

00:25:13.000 There's like an 11 o'clock to 1 o'clock window of opportunity. 0.61

00:25:16.000 When I was emceeing, and I had an Irvine weekend, I would leave at like fucking 1 in the afternoon. 0.72

00:25:22.000 Just get down there early. 0.80

00:25:23.000 Yeah, just hang out.

00:25:24.000 Hey, why not, man?

00:25:25.000 Do some work, you know, get your notebook out, go over some jokes.

00:25:28.000 Better than freaking out in traffic at 5.45, stop dead, going, how long is this going to last?

00:25:33.000 What if this is another hour? 0.99

00:25:34.000 It's a fucking seven o'clock show. 0.98

00:25:35.000 I only missed my set one time in my whole entire career, and it was emceeing Ontario years ago when it rained. 0.99

00:25:43.000 So it rained.

00:25:44.000 So, you know, everything gets backed up a little bit.

00:25:47.000 Like, traffic gets worse.

00:25:48.000 And I left L.A., Hollywood at like, it was like an 8 o'clock show, and I left at like 6 to go to Ontario.

00:25:58.000 I got, when I ran in, the feature was like, alright, thanks everybody. 0.99

00:26:02.000 I was like, shit. 0.98

00:26:03.000 Missed my set completely. 1.00

00:26:05.000 Whoa.

00:26:05.000 Just, you know, I mean, this town teaches you to leave way earlier than you should.

00:26:11.000 What is it going to be like in 10 years?

00:26:13.000 When there's even more people?

00:26:14.000 Yeah, they're going to keep going.

00:26:16.000 Unless there's some sort of a natural disaster, LA's going to continue to grow.

00:26:20.000 Unless there's one of them, the rock earthquakes, like this movie he's got coming out.

00:26:25.000 Oh yeah, San Andreas, right? 0.99

00:26:26.000 It'll take some shit like that. 0.99

00:26:27.000 And then everybody's just going to overrun Colorado. 0.99

00:26:30.000 Then everybody's just going to move to Colorado.

00:26:32.000 People have like...

00:26:34.000 You know, they propose that nothing would be better for Earth than a significant wipeout of a certain percentage of the population, right?

00:26:43.000 Like, for everything.

00:26:44.000 That's very short-sighted on Earth's point.

00:26:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:26:46.000 Because I would say, Earth, listen, we're the only ones, out of all the shit that you got growing, the only ones that might be able to figure out how to divert a fucking asteroid. 0.99

00:26:54.000 So, watch your mouth, bitch. 1.00

00:26:56.000 Yeah, talk some shit. 1.00

00:26:56.000 You want us out there fucking and making computers. 1.00

00:27:00.000 Yeah, we throw some shit in the ocean. 1.00

00:27:02.000 We'll figure that out in a couple generations. 0.99

00:27:05.000 But what we're doing is we're paying attention to the fact there's rocks above you.

00:27:09.000 Yeah.

00:27:10.000 Bitch. 1.00

00:27:11.000 Earth. 1.00

00:27:12.000 You're a fucking whining bitch. 1.00

00:27:13.000 Human beings. 1.00

00:27:14.000 Worried about a natural disaster would be the best thing to happen to Earth.

00:27:17.000 Yeah, how much of a natural disaster? 1.00

00:27:20.000 Fuck, Ed. 1.00

00:27:20.000 Because you got hit by, you forgot about this, you got hit by a planet once. 1.00

00:27:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:25.000 The Earth got hit by a goddamn planet at one point in time. 0.99

00:27:27.000 How long ago? 1.00

00:27:29.000 Before your time.

00:27:30.000 Like 100 years ago?

00:27:31.000 1890?

00:27:32.000 72. Before slavery was abolished.

00:27:35.000 God was trying to wipe out slavery with Earth, with another planet.

00:27:39.000 I think it was like a billion years into Earth's life cycle.

00:27:45.000 Yeah.

00:27:46.000 That was a while back.

00:27:50.000 Imagine, though, if you saw a planet in the sky and was slowly coming towards us, and astronomers are like, we've got a rogue planet.

00:27:57.000 There's a rogue planet headed our way.

00:28:00.000 Yeah.

00:28:01.000 And we have two years to do with this.

00:28:03.000 Oh, by the way, we lied about going to the moon.

00:28:05.000 We've never actually really landed anywhere other than Earth.

00:28:08.000 Sorry.

00:28:09.000 And then as the planet gets closer, people are like, where's it going to hit?

00:28:12.000 They keep changing where they think it's going to hit, and then it lands, and then they're like, it's going to be North Korea.

00:28:19.000 Everyone's like, all right.

00:28:19.000 It's going to hit so hard that even if you do leave now in a spaceship, the aftershocks of the impact will blow your spaceship apart in space.

00:28:29.000 So it's pointless to leave just every day.

00:28:32.000 Ah! 1.00

00:28:32.000 Ah, murder, chaos, machetes, gunfire, fucking. 1.00

00:28:36.000 Billionaires would all still be gone, though. 1.00

00:28:38.000 Dance parties. 0.99

00:28:39.000 They would still be in their rockets, like, fuck it, I'm gonna do it anyways. 0.99

00:28:41.000 Do you think they would try? 1.00

00:28:42.000 I think so, yeah.

00:28:43.000 I think we could reinforce the outside and beat the shockwaves.

00:28:46.000 I've done my own calculations, Roger.

00:28:49.000 Absolutely.

00:28:49.000 Maybe one guy just...

00:28:50.000 Thinks it'd be cute to get that guy up in space.

00:28:53.000 Paul Allen would be up there.

00:28:54.000 You think so?

00:28:55.000 Yeah.

00:28:55.000 Watching from above.

00:28:57.000 You guys are fucked. 1.00

00:28:58.000 I can see it coming. 1.00

00:28:59.000 You don't want to be that guy, though, man.

00:29:00.000 You don't want to be alone in space with a billion dollars.

00:29:03.000 No! 0.99

00:29:04.000 That sounds so fucking... 0.99

00:29:05.000 That's so depressing to think about. 1.00

00:29:07.000 I would way rather die.

00:29:09.000 Yeah. 0.63

00:29:09.000 Way rather. 0.63

00:29:10.000 With the rest of us? 1.00

00:29:11.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:29:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:12.000 Yeah, I don't want to live in space in some tiny community that... 1.00

00:29:16.000 You know, I was trying to suck water out of rocks on Mars.

00:29:19.000 No, no, that sounds horrible. 1.00

00:29:20.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:29:22.000 You know how long people have worked to turn Earth into what you can enjoy right now? 1.00

00:29:29.000 Yeah.

00:29:29.000 This has been a long process to get to 2015. And you're just going to bypass all that and shoot yourself off into space like an asshole?

00:29:38.000 Somebody would. 1.00

00:29:39.000 You know they would.

00:29:40.000 Somebody would.

00:29:42.000 Yeah.

00:29:43.000 We would have to be thousands of years more advanced than we are now, to the point where we could change the atmosphere of a planet.

00:29:50.000 We could land on Mars and do something.

00:29:54.000 There's a term, a scientific term.

00:29:56.000 For when they reintroduce oxygen to an atmosphere of a planet.

00:30:00.000 I forget what it is, but they've developed machines that they could theoretically...

00:30:06.000 Oh, photogenesis.

00:30:08.000 No, that's...

00:30:09.000 No, I know. 1.00

00:30:10.000 I'm just an asshole. 1.00

00:30:12.000 I think it's just when you're good looking. 1.00

00:30:16.000 But whatever that term is, they eventually want to do that to Mars.

00:30:22.000 They eventually want to fly there, set up these gigantic gas-making machines, and somehow or another make oxygen.

00:30:30.000 It is cool.

00:30:31.000 Like, you know that, you know, we can't even wrap our heads around how amazing it'll be.

00:30:36.000 Like, how, you know, in thousands of years, like, we can't wrap our heads around what life is going to be.

00:30:43.000 But we do have the benefit of looking back and seeing, like, how much better our lives are than every generation before.

00:30:50.000 I'm talking about just quality of life.

00:30:51.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:52.000 Like, how hard life used to be.

00:30:53.000 It's just, it's so, you know, and you look at lifespans, you know, people living to their 30s was an average lifespan a long time.

00:31:01.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:02.000 You got married and you had your kid at 13 and that was standard.

00:31:05.000 And then everybody got a cold and they're like, well, he's dead.

00:31:08.000 He died.

00:31:09.000 It was cold.

00:31:10.000 That's what happens.

00:31:11.000 You get cold and you die.

00:31:13.000 It was horrific.

00:31:14.000 And not only that, what we're talking about was 100 years ago.

00:31:17.000 Yeah.

00:31:18.000 That's what's really bananas.

00:31:19.000 Dude, you know what I always think about?

00:31:20.000 Air conditioning. 0.98

00:31:22.000 Like how fucking normal that is to us how you're like it's a hundred out and you walk in you're like everything's fine now like It's not just fine you watch TV in your underwear picking your balls Meanwhile you could not bad food on your driveway. 0.91

00:31:36.000 Yeah, you literally cook food in your driveway And then of course the reality there's some people who don't have that obviously still who are like you're like Jesus imagine right now if I didn't have that like how in in the worst hot day how horrific The quality of life becomes. 0.94

00:31:52.000 Like Phoenix.

00:31:53.000 Like Phoenix in the summer.

00:31:54.000 It's brutal.

00:31:55.000 Vegas, Phoenix.

00:31:57.000 Vegas in the summer.

00:31:57.000 It's insane.

00:31:58.000 It's insane.

00:31:59.000 Yeah.

00:31:59.000 It's hard to imagine that anybody can endure those temperatures.

00:32:03.000 I remember doing gigs in Vegas, July, August, where you're at one casino, whatever, the Bellagio, and you're like, I'm going to walk to the next one.

00:32:14.000 Just the next one.

00:32:16.000 You forget how the size, the magnet, you know, of just the buildings.

00:32:21.000 Yeah.

00:32:21.000 And that next one is, I don't know, a quarter mile or something, maybe a little more than that.

00:32:26.000 That's not far to go.

00:32:29.000 But when it's 124 outside and you're just walking down and you get there, you're like, I'm going to check into this hotel.

00:32:35.000 Like, I'm not even going to go back to my old hotel. 0.98

00:32:38.000 It is a fucking brutal outside. 0.99

00:32:40.000 It's insane. 1.00

00:32:40.000 It's like a hair dryer blowing your face all day. 1.00

00:32:44.000 And there's homeless people there.

00:32:45.000 Like, they live in that.

00:32:46.000 Do you think you adapt?

00:32:48.000 I think you do adapt to a certain degree, because human beings were just so resilient, and you just, you do adapt to things.

00:32:53.000 But I think there's also people you're like, you know that they die and well I know that Eskimos or you supposed to call them Inuits they their hands have adapted to deal with the cold like they don't get numb hands like we would if we went up there really their circulation is different their skins different and I also know that like my friend Steve Ranella was just in Bolivia and He has a podcast the meat-eater podcast.

00:33:16.000 He's talking about this trip to Bolivia is pretty fascinating and One of the things that we're talking about is how it was really hot down there.

00:33:22.000 Everybody was sweaty.

00:33:23.000 Except the natives.

00:33:25.000 The native Chumani, who... 0.96

00:33:27.000 I think that's how you say their name.

00:33:28.000 They didn't sweat.

00:33:30.000 Like, to them, it wasn't...

00:33:32.000 It wasn't that hot.

00:33:33.000 That's unbelievable.

00:33:33.000 They were used to it.

00:33:34.000 Everybody else is drenched with sweat.

00:33:36.000 These guys are barely drinking water.

00:33:38.000 They drink a little sip of water every now and then.

00:33:39.000 But you look at them, they're not glistening with sweat like everybody else.

00:33:43.000 It's amazing how quick the adapt and the change happens, too.

00:33:47.000 I remember for the first 13, 14 years of my life, I lived in cities that had cold winters.

00:33:54.000 Cincinnati, Milwaukee, Minneapolis.

00:33:57.000 And we moved.

00:33:58.000 from Milwaukee to Florida in November and in November sometimes in Florida it'll get all the way down to the 50s like in South Florida right so I go to school the first few days and kids have sweatshirts and jackets on and I'm in a t-shirt and shorts we just moved from Milwaukee where it's like three that day right so people look to me and they're like are you out of your fucking mind like what are you doing why are you doing this and I'm like This is the best day I've had in months.

00:34:28.000 This is really warm.

00:34:30.000 And then, you know, but the thing is, the next year, the next year, you change.

00:34:36.000 You adapt to the new temperature.

00:34:38.000 And then I was cold in 50. Then I'm wearing jackets.

00:34:41.000 Yeah, it changes.

00:34:42.000 It changes really fast.

00:34:43.000 I walked into a Starbucks the other day and these ladies were complaining about the rain. 1.00

00:34:47.000 It's been raining so much lately.

00:34:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:34:51.000 I'm like, you fucking crows. 1.00

00:34:52.000 Yes. 1.00

00:34:53.000 You dumb crows. 1.00

00:34:55.000 We're in a horrible drought. 1.00

00:34:56.000 They're just making noise.

00:34:59.000 Water!

00:35:01.000 The life-giving water!

00:35:03.000 Coming from the sky!

00:35:06.000 What's it gonna do?

00:35:07.000 Water the crops?

00:35:09.000 Feed the animals?

00:35:10.000 Yeah, we don't need it.

00:35:11.000 You're right.

00:35:12.000 It was hilarious.

00:35:13.000 Let's shut it down.

00:35:14.000 Just people will find something to complain about.

00:35:16.000 But it's just, it's adorable when you see it.

00:35:17.000 Because it's like, this is, ah, this is so cliche.

00:35:20.000 Like, people are complaining at a good thing.

00:35:23.000 I know.

00:35:24.000 That's been happening quite often.

00:35:25.000 Like, eh, I wish I wasn't making so much money.

00:35:27.000 God, I'm always making all this money.

00:35:29.000 I got all these accounts. 0.88

00:35:30.000 Eh, what's with all this sex? 1.00

00:35:32.000 And feeling good and getting my dick sick. 1.00

00:35:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:35.000 That's a real great complaint to have.

00:35:37.000 People are weird, man.

00:35:38.000 They're weird.

00:35:39.000 They'll complain about everything. 0.99

00:35:40.000 I think people just look to complain about shit so a lot of times they don't have to look inward. 0.99

00:35:45.000 There's a lot of complaining going on. 0.99

00:35:46.000 It's just like externally venting your internal frustrations.

00:35:51.000 I think that's most of the time.

00:35:53.000 Sometimes I catch myself doing it.

00:35:55.000 But sometimes it's funny.

00:35:56.000 Sometimes it's funny.

00:35:57.000 That's the problem. 0.99

00:35:58.000 Sometimes when Diaz complains about shit, Diaz complained about dressing. 1.00

00:36:04.000 Different flavors of dressing. 1.00

00:36:06.000 And just start laughing.

00:36:08.000 He's mocked me for everything I've ever done.

00:36:11.000 It's always something. 1.00

00:36:12.000 You got your fucking fanny pack over there, Captain? 1.00

00:36:15.000 There'll always be something, you know? 1.00

00:36:17.000 I remember when Eddie Bravo had this fucking wrist bracelet on. 0.99

00:36:21.000 It was like one of those leather bracelets. 0.99

00:36:23.000 You know, those rock and roll type, the snap. 0.99

00:36:26.000 And Joey walks over and goes, what are you, waiting for a fucking falcon to land on your arm? 0.99

00:36:33.000 A falcon! 1.00

00:36:34.000 He gave me shit just for talking to people one time. 0.99

00:36:37.000 Because we were traveling together, and it was like the third person that had come up and been like, hey, are you guys doing shows? 1.00

00:36:45.000 And he goes, will you stop fucking talking to people? 0.99

00:36:49.000 What did I do? 1.00

00:36:50.000 He's like, I'm trying to get in the fucking car, get to the hotel, I want to take a nap, play with my balls, stop fucking talking to people. 1.00

00:36:56.000 I'm like, alright, alright, sorry! 1.00

00:36:57.000 But he was so fired up that I was like, hey man, I'm like, That I responded to somebody who wanted to talk.

00:37:02.000 That's hilarious.

00:37:03.000 That's hilarious. 0.94

00:37:03.000 He gets in those moods, if he doesn't eat, it's ridiculous. 0.94

00:37:06.000 Like, especially right when we land at the airport, him and like, He has to get to his hotel as soon as possible.

00:37:11.000 Like, Joe would just be punching in, like, an address in the GPS. He's like, just drive!

00:37:15.000 Coxie, you know, it's just...

00:37:16.000 Yeah, he gets mad at you.

00:37:19.000 He got mad at me for what I ate, too.

00:37:21.000 Like, um...

00:37:21.000 Because I didn't eat enough.

00:37:24.000 Like, I just happened to, like, that time, and we landed...

00:37:27.000 Trying to be healthy?

00:37:28.000 Yeah, I ate a salad. 1.00

00:37:28.000 He was like, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:37:30.000 He had, like, four plates of wings. 1.00

00:37:33.000 You got a half a dressing?

00:37:33.000 You got a half a dressing!

00:37:35.000 You got a fucking half a Momo. 1.00

00:37:37.000 Yeah, he was a fantastic. 1.00

00:37:39.000 Yeah, he's quite a character, man.

00:37:41.000 Getting mad at you for what you eat.

00:37:43.000 Yeah, so funny.

00:37:45.000 Getting mad at you for what you wear.

00:37:48.000 But that's different.

00:37:49.000 It's like humorous.

00:37:50.000 That's humorous.

00:37:51.000 Just whining.

00:37:52.000 Yeah, sometimes I complain and you realize it's funny.

00:37:57.000 Sometimes in the middle of complaining, I'll just be like, I'm complaining as a distraction.

00:38:02.000 I don't want to focus on something to do with me.

00:38:04.000 It's weary.

00:38:07.000 It's wearisome.

00:38:08.000 It's tiresome when someone does it.

00:38:10.000 It's like, oh god. 1.00

00:38:11.000 If someone's really negative and not in that funny way, but in just a genuine, like, everything sucks, everyone's out to get me, that shit, you can't be around. 1.00

00:38:21.000 It's not healthy to be around. 1.00

00:38:23.000 There's a lot of people like that.

00:38:24.000 They get stuck in that rut.

00:38:25.000 I had an ex-girlfriend like that. 0.99

00:38:27.000 Oh my god.

00:38:28.000 It was brutal, man.

00:38:29.000 It's like a disease.

00:38:31.000 She would complain about everything.

00:38:32.000 I mean, everything from food to the restaurant to the people sitting next to the table to this to that to that to this.

00:38:41.000 It's just like a constant deluge of just negativity.

00:38:45.000 Whereas you could be around the same person, the same situation, and they just notice all the cool shit about things and, you know, have a different, balanced perspective, give a little energy to the conversation, be someone that's, you know, sensitive to how other people are perceiving you and what kind of vibe you're giving off.

00:39:01.000 Have you ever been around the extreme opposite, though, where it's usually a girl that's just super positive and can never see any negativity? 0.98

00:39:08.000 That shit's almost as annoying. 0.99

00:39:11.000 Well, delusional is not good, right? 1.00

00:39:15.000 Right.

00:39:16.000 Delusional is not good.

00:39:17.000 There's delusional.

00:39:18.000 There's a lot.

00:39:18.000 I'm just saying it's about girls, about people.

00:39:20.000 Yeah, it's like...

00:39:22.000 Positive perspective's nice, but yeah, not seeing the negative.

00:39:25.000 Like, well, you know, I think what he's doing now is just trying to establish himself. 0.98

00:39:31.000 Like, no, he's a crook. 0.72

00:39:32.000 No, he's stealing people's cars. 0.99

00:39:34.000 Like, no, he's a con man.

00:39:35.000 Well, it's not as easy for him, probably, as it was for you.

00:39:40.000 So maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt.

00:39:42.000 That's also a certain level of just being naive.

00:39:44.000 Like, really naive people.

00:39:45.000 Yeah, naive is a better word.

00:39:46.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:39:47.000 Clueless, naive, delusional.

00:39:49.000 The girl I know that does that carries around crystals in her purse. 1.00

00:39:52.000 So it's like one of those things.

00:39:55.000 When you smell patchouli on a girl, do you immediately go, oh Christ.

00:39:58.000 I smell a human being, period.

00:40:00.000 I'm just like, dude, let's not hang out.

00:40:03.000 It doesn't smell that bad.

00:40:05.000 I don't like it.

00:40:05.000 If it was exotic, if it was exotic, it wouldn't smell that bad.

00:40:08.000 The real problem with patchouli is the people who wear patchouli.

00:40:11.000 That's the real problem.

00:40:12.000 That's true.

00:40:13.000 Because, you know, like there's smells that you'll associate with certain things.

00:40:17.000 Yeah.

00:40:18.000 Like there was a smell of citrus and they got these mice and what they did was they zapped these mice's feet and every time they zapped their feet, they would Spray this citrus smell in the air.

00:40:31.000 And so these mice would associate this citrus smell with getting zapped. 0.99

00:40:36.000 So I think when you smell patchouli, that shit, you just think, annoying hippie, here we go. 1.00

00:40:43.000 Yeah, yeah, it's true. 1.00

00:40:43.000 Here we go. 1.00

00:40:44.000 It's a first thought. 0.97

00:40:45.000 Here we go, annoying lazy person. 0.62

00:40:47.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.95

00:40:47.000 Here we go. 0.95

00:40:48.000 You smell and you're like, you're a bad person, I don't like you. 0.62

00:40:50.000 It's all share.

00:40:51.000 Well, you know, basically like share crops.

00:40:53.000 How about that?

00:40:54.000 I'll give you my poetry and you can give me some food. 0.67

00:40:56.000 It's also a gross smell. 0.89

00:40:58.000 Let's be honest, it smells just disgusting.

00:40:59.000 I don't really like it yet.

00:41:01.000 Honestly, I couldn't even picture it right now.

00:41:03.000 It smells like black licorice mixed with dirty feet.

00:41:08.000 If it was a really pretty girl, it probably wouldn't bother you. 0.91

00:41:11.000 If you were really into her, would you put that patchouli on?

00:41:13.000 It's not true.

00:41:14.000 I think you'd be like...

00:41:15.000 Maybe you're just picky.

00:41:17.000 That smell is nasty.

00:41:18.000 That's like worse than B.O. Do you like that?

00:41:20.000 Oh, no, it's not.

00:41:21.000 That's illogical.

00:41:23.000 B.O. is disgusting. 0.98

00:41:24.000 Especially B.O. on a woman. 0.99

00:41:25.000 Oh, Christ. 1.00

00:41:26.000 When I'm fucking guys, I don't mind a little B.O. You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:41:30.000 But girls, that's where it is. 0.99

00:41:34.000 It's such a violent smell, though.

00:41:36.000 B.O.? No, no, no.

00:41:37.000 Patchouli?

00:41:37.000 It's such a violent smell.

00:41:38.000 You have to smell my B.O. My B.O. is way more violent than Patchouli.

00:41:41.000 It's like old lady and roses and perfume.

00:41:44.000 They walk by and you're almost like, I got a headache now from that smell.

00:41:47.000 Well, that's strong Patchouli.

00:41:48.000 I like a mild Patchouli.

00:41:51.000 There's B.O. that's, I mean, you know, everyone knows their own, but you ever get in a cab and you're like, Jesus Christ.

00:41:58.000 Yes!

00:41:59.000 Yes.

00:41:59.000 Whoa, man!

00:42:00.000 I remember I worked in a real estate office in Boston, like, right after college, and there were these guys, because Boston has, like, just nothing but apartments and nothing but rentals, all day.

00:42:10.000 I thought you were going to say, nothing but BO. It does.

00:42:13.000 It has nothing but BO, too.

00:42:14.000 Everyone has BO. There were these three guys, these guys would come in, and when they came in, everyone was like, whoa, as they walked in the door, like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:42:22.000 And these three guys... 0.98

00:42:24.000 As soon as they left, we would take the Febreze, the whole thing. 0.90

00:42:28.000 To let everybody know that you knew.

00:42:30.000 But then, what happened was they needed to check out apartments, so whoever lost The bet in the office at the time would have to take them in their car, because you know they were going to be in your car, you have to get it detailed.

00:42:42.000 Oh my god. 0.98

00:42:43.000 So people would be like, no fucking way! 0.99

00:42:45.000 You would try, you'd do whatever you could to not get these dudes, or any guys like them, in your car. 1.00

00:42:52.000 It's almost always dudes that smell like that fucking, that strong. 0.99

00:42:56.000 I had a kid in school. 1.00

00:42:58.000 And when I lived in Florida, it was like the first stinky kid that I remember.

00:43:03.000 He turned out to be a real nice kid.

00:43:05.000 He was a sad case.

00:43:07.000 He had been burned in a fire when he was young.

00:43:09.000 Jesus.

00:43:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:10.000 Not totally, but one of his ears was pretty fucked up. 1.00

00:43:13.000 And he was like really insecure about it. 0.98

00:43:16.000 And we actually got in some sort of a physical altercation.

00:43:20.000 And I don't remember what the thing was.

00:43:22.000 But I remember we had to go to the teacher's office.

00:43:26.000 And...

00:43:27.000 I remember it wasn't super violent.

00:43:29.000 We didn't beat each other up.

00:43:30.000 Maybe pull each other's clothes or something like that.

00:43:33.000 Because we were like 11. And when we went to the teacher's office, or the principal's office, we had to sit down and talk about it.

00:43:40.000 The principal asked us both what had happened, and neither one of us was really mad, but when we decided, like, can you guys shake hands and be friends?

00:43:48.000 He was, like, so eager to shake hands and be friends. 0.99

00:43:52.000 I realized, like, oh, this poor fucking guy, man. 0.99

00:43:54.000 He smells bad, and he's got a burnt ear, and he probably just didn't have any friends. 1.00

00:43:58.000 Like, the reason why he was douchey...

00:44:00.000 It was probably just he wanted some sort of attention.

00:44:02.000 I remember thinking that at the time.

00:44:04.000 At that age.

00:44:05.000 Like, his overwhelming...

00:44:07.000 I didn't think he was going to sucker punch me. 1.00

00:44:09.000 I didn't think I was going to say, yeah, let's be friends until we get outside, bitch. 1.00

00:44:13.000 There wasn't any of that. 0.98

00:44:14.000 It was like, he really wanted to be friends.

00:44:16.000 And so I remember we shook hands.

00:44:18.000 We gave a shake hands hug thing.

00:44:20.000 And we were cool with each other from then on out. 1.00

00:44:22.000 But that poor bastard stunk. 1.00

00:44:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:44:24.000 I don't know if his parents didn't take care of him, or if he was scared to bathe, or, you know, maybe...

00:44:28.000 It's amazing the way smells stick in your memory forever.

00:44:32.000 They do.

00:44:33.000 Like, you remember, like, how good something smelled somewhere, or something, you know, you smell it again, you're like, oh, that takes me back to exactly this point. 1.00

00:44:40.000 You remember it, and then a smelly motherfucker. 1.00

00:44:43.000 I can smell those dudes in Boston right now. 1.00

00:44:46.000 I want to get out of here.

00:44:47.000 I want to leave.

00:44:48.000 Yeah.

00:44:48.000 For cats or pets, you stop smelling cats in litter boxes.

00:44:53.000 I just put down my cat that I talked about last time I was on the show, and for my first time in 17 years, I get to have a house that has no litter box.

00:45:00.000 And I don't even know what that's like.

00:45:02.000 Well, you're lazy, too.

00:45:03.000 I don't think you clean your litter box every day.

00:45:05.000 No, no, I do it every day.

00:45:07.000 Oh, yeah, it's like, oh, once a week, just throw it away.

00:45:09.000 Oh, no!

00:45:09.000 Buy a new litter box.

00:45:10.000 Oh my god.

00:45:11.000 See, that's the problem. 1.00

00:45:12.000 You have to do that every day, otherwise you're breathing shit fumes. 1.00

00:45:14.000 Did you hire a maid? 1.00

00:45:15.000 Piss fumes.

00:45:16.000 I've had a maid. 0.95

00:45:17.000 Right now I don't have a maid.

00:45:18.000 You've got to get a maid. 1.00

00:45:19.000 Why don't you do one of those topless maids? 1.00

00:45:21.000 I did that.

00:45:22.000 I tried that.

00:45:22.000 I told you that.

00:45:23.000 You did try that?

00:45:23.000 Yeah.

00:45:24.000 How'd it go?

00:45:24.000 It's not good.

00:45:25.000 It's really bad.

00:45:27.000 It was like an older woman and her daughter, I think.

00:45:30.000 What?

00:45:31.000 You can't choose who you get to do the topless maids? 1.00

00:45:33.000 Well, I don't know.

00:45:34.000 There's a few different companies, but the one I did, there's a van parked down my street, so I just called it.

00:45:38.000 And are you just gawking?

00:45:40.000 Why don't you do that again?

00:45:40.000 You're the guy who, like, you rub maps, massage powers.

00:45:43.000 Right.

00:45:44.000 Why wouldn't you, like, at least do a fine Yelp review?

00:45:46.000 It said 99 bucks, so I wasn't really thinking into it.

00:45:49.000 And, like, I didn't think, like, oh, wait, I have to watch them clean.

00:45:52.000 Because when a maid's in, I'm, like, one of the guys that hides because I'm so ashamed. 0.99

00:45:56.000 Right.

00:45:56.000 But then, like, you just kind of stand there in the kitchen going, yep, she's topless.

00:46:00.000 What? 1.00

00:46:00.000 This is stupid. 1.00

00:46:01.000 What am I doing this to? 1.00

00:46:02.000 Is she really cleaning?

00:46:03.000 Or are they doing a bad job?

00:46:05.000 No, they're just regular maids that are getting an extra 20 bucks to take their top off, I think. 1.00

00:46:10.000 Because these are these are people that are like they seem like they were related and they seem like just normal maids.

00:46:15.000 It was very very uncomfortable.

00:46:17.000 I kind of like it.

00:46:19.000 I felt very bad.

00:46:20.000 Why?

00:46:21.000 Because it was like sad.

00:46:23.000 This was an older woman like 50 and maybe her daughter that was maybe 19. Are you sure it was her daughter?

00:46:30.000 It seemed like a mom and daughter.

00:46:32.000 Really? 0.99

00:46:32.000 It was really fucked up. 0.99

00:46:33.000 That's rough. 1.00

00:46:35.000 Well, you know, you got to think if you know someone that's really fucked up and they have a kid, that kid's going to grow up with a fucked up parent. 0.99

00:46:41.000 Like if someone's like really crazy or, you know, if someone is a topless maid for a living, they don't think there's anything wrong with it. 0.99

00:46:47.000 And then, you know, your daughter hits 18. She's like, mom, I want to join the topless maid business. 1.00

00:46:51.000 You're like, hey, it's good enough for me.

00:46:53.000 Why isn't it good enough for you?

00:46:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:46:54.000 The mom was a little overweight, but she had humongous Mexican tits, and when she took her bra off, it had the most horrific stretch or marks from her bra, just digging into her. 0.99

00:47:08.000 Did you talk to her when she took her tits out? 1.00

00:47:11.000 No, I just sat there and they both just put it in a bucket. 1.00

00:47:14.000 They just put their clothes.

00:47:15.000 We didn't listen.

00:47:17.000 They didn't talk or anything.

00:47:19.000 They didn't say, like, hello?

00:47:20.000 I think they said hello when we came in, but they were, like, not any English.

00:47:24.000 You didn't go, like, in.

00:47:25.000 I was just, like, the kitchen living room.

00:47:27.000 I only had them clean the kitchen living room and the bathroom. 0.99

00:47:29.000 I didn't even let them go. 1.00

00:47:30.000 You should have said you have huge Mexican tits or something like that. 1.00

00:47:33.000 They speak English, right? 1.00

00:47:37.000 Barely.

00:47:37.000 I remember they asked where the vacuum cleaner was, and it was very like, vacuum cleaner.

00:47:43.000 Have you looked under your huge Mexican tits? 1.00

00:47:45.000 I would always wonder, like, what is that life like? 1.00

00:47:48.000 I would have to ask them questions.

00:47:49.000 I would give them extra money just to be able to ask them questions.

00:47:52.000 I'll say I'll pay you for a whole extra hour if you sit down for another five minutes.

00:47:56.000 How was the daughter?

00:47:58.000 Attractive?

00:47:58.000 The daughter wasn't bad, but she was a little chubbier also.

00:48:01.000 They were both a little chubby, but the mom's boobs were weird. 1.00

00:48:05.000 She had the huge hangy ones, and she was cleaning the kitchen. 0.92

00:48:10.000 I would just kind of walk in and be like, oh, what's going on in here? 0.98

00:48:13.000 And her dirty boobs touching the oven while she's cleaning it. 1.00

00:48:18.000 You have made it sound very sad. 0.99

00:48:20.000 It's nothing exciting.

00:48:21.000 It was horrible.

00:48:22.000 I do not recommend it.

00:48:23.000 I just would want to talk to them and find out what that's like.

00:48:26.000 Do guys try to attack you?

00:48:28.000 That seems like a dangerous gig.

00:48:30.000 I think that's why they do it, though, because they weren't very appealing, and it was sad that I think it was a one-time thing.

00:48:36.000 I would rather pay...

00:48:38.000 What, it was a one-time for them?

00:48:39.000 I think once you get it, you're not going to have them come back ever again.

00:48:42.000 You know what I mean?

00:48:43.000 It's almost a joke, almost.

00:48:44.000 You mean a one-time thing for you, but not a one-time thing for them.

00:48:48.000 I would rather do for 20 extra bucks, get a regular maid, but I could be bottomless and they would not get mad at me. 0.99

00:48:55.000 I would just sit in there with normal maids and just have no pants on. 1.00

00:48:58.000 That'd be better, right?

00:49:03.000 I think that's illegal.

00:49:04.000 Unless you make an agreement.

00:49:06.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:49:06.000 The agreement is I don't have to wear pants.

00:49:09.000 Well, I'm sure someone can do that.

00:49:10.000 I'm sure that's a great...

00:49:12.000 Well, you'd have to want to have your pants off with them, too.

00:49:15.000 So they'd have to be like...

00:49:16.000 They're somewhat attractive.

00:49:17.000 Right, you're allowed to stroke and just follow them around, but they can't call the police.

00:49:22.000 Okay, that's rude.

00:49:23.000 Because then you would get in the way in your little narrow hallway and accidentally come on them.

00:49:27.000 I know how you work.

00:49:27.000 And clean it up!

00:49:28.000 In this city, you could definitely work out your fantasy.

00:49:31.000 Yeah, that's a minor request. 1.00

00:49:34.000 You could work out some pretty crazy shit in this town. 0.99

00:49:36.000 Yeah, definitely. 0.99

00:49:37.000 Have you heard about this movie, The Jinx?

00:49:39.000 This show on HBO? I'm all caught up, man.

00:49:42.000 Really?

00:49:42.000 Yeah.

00:49:43.000 Do you know they reopened that guy's case because of that show?

00:49:47.000 Tell everybody that doesn't know what the show's all about.

00:49:50.000 Well, there's a gentleman named Robert Durst who is part of the Durst family, which is...

00:49:58.000 He was an heir.

00:49:59.000 The Durst family is one of the biggest...

00:50:12.000 I think?

00:50:22.000 And disappeared.

00:50:24.000 Nobody has, even up to this day, no one's been able to find her.

00:50:28.000 He was never formally charged.

00:50:30.000 People thought he had something to do with it.

00:50:32.000 And no trace.

00:50:34.000 He gave a lot of different accounts to the police, to investigators, of what happened the last time he saw her, the last time he spoke to her.

00:50:41.000 So all these kind of things that don't match up that make it sound pretty suspicious.

00:50:47.000 So when the case didn't progress anymore, a few years later, his best friend at the time was a woman named Susan Berman, and she was set to talk to investigators when they reopened the case, this time in the,

00:51:03.000 I would say, I think we're talking like into the 90s now?

00:51:07.000 So, a lot of time had passed, and the investigators wanted to talk to Susan Berman, who had been Durst's best friend, and whom there was a long line, a track record of him giving her money over the years.

00:51:19.000 And, you know, from his account, it's like, it's a good friend of mine, I just always gave her money, but she collected substantial money from him.

00:51:27.000 Well, the day before an investigator was flying out from New York to see her, she was murdered in her house in Benedict Canyon.

00:51:36.000 So it was kind of the second person involved or close to Robert Durst who died.

00:51:43.000 How much money did he give her? 0.93

00:51:44.000 Well, they found that in one of her journals, she kept track of loans or gifts people had given her money, and recently he had given her 50 grand.

00:51:57.000 You know so and the way that they piece it together they think that over the years she's collected much more than that so it was she's you know was his friend who was always kind of struggling and he was always giving her money so you know from his from his side of the story I'm rich.

00:52:16.000 I give my friend money. 1.00

00:52:18.000 From people that are more suspicious of it, it's here's money to never open your fucking mouth. 1.00

00:52:24.000 So he allegedly gets her whacked. 1.00

00:52:28.000 That's one of the things.

00:52:29.000 Now, she has a pretty interesting story because her father was a big-time mafia guy.

00:52:35.000 Her dad was real close with Bugsy Siegel and was in the heyday of Vegas being run by the mob.

00:52:43.000 Her dad was one of the major players.

00:52:46.000 So people who say it's not Durst related will say that it's related to a book she wrote where she kind of laid out a bunch of stuff about the mob and like her dad's role in things and all these people.

00:52:56.000 So they say, you know, oh, it's very much in line with a mob hit.

00:53:01.000 Wow.

00:53:02.000 There's that.

00:53:03.000 And then, a few years after that, well, right when they knew that they were going to reopen this investigation, he wanted to go into hiding.

00:53:16.000 So he moved to Galveston, Texas, and he started living as a mute woman. 1.00

00:53:22.000 So he wore a wig, and he wore a dress, and he started renting an apartment in cash.

00:53:27.000 He paid like a year up front, and he knew he couldn't mask his voice, so he pretended to be a mute woman, so he would only write down things.

00:53:34.000 And he eventually developed a friendship with the guy across the hallway from him named Morris Black, who was just like this old curmudgeon-y guy.

00:53:44.000 Basically, fast forward, in the Galveston Bay, a fisherman finds a floating bag, and it has an arm, and then a leg, and then basically the police come, and they find chopped up body,

00:54:00.000 and they find an ID, and they're able to get fingerprints, and it's Morris Black.

00:54:04.000 So, it's the guy that was...

00:54:08.000 Across the hall.

00:54:09.000 So they go to his apartment and they see across the hall is this woman who's living there, who's not there at the time.

00:54:16.000 And, you know, they find that, like, there's blood on the floor, kind of, you know, all the telltales of that, like, something happened here.

00:54:27.000 And what ended up happening was that he was charged with murder, he posted bail, and then he went on the run, and he actually got caught shoplifting a sandwich after he had jumped bail,

00:54:43.000 and in his car they found $38,000 in cash, and he had $500 in his pocket.

00:54:49.000 Like, he just shoplifted for the, you know, they didn't want to pay for the sandwich.

00:54:54.000 That's how he got caught after he jumped bail.

00:54:57.000 Then he gets charged with murder.

00:55:01.000 He doesn't deny murdering the guy, says it was self-defense, but he also chopped the guy's body up, like cut off his arms, cut off his legs, cut off his head, put them in bags, threw them in the bay.

00:55:12.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:55:14.000 Not guilty.

00:55:15.000 Jury decides, not guilty.

00:55:17.000 So, you know...

00:55:20.000 So he admits to killing a person and chopping them up.

00:55:24.000 And not guilty.

00:55:26.000 And, you know, there's a lot of people that swear that he, you know...

00:55:31.000 He's killed three people.

00:55:32.000 He's killed three people, yeah. 0.55

00:55:33.000 It kind of makes sense if he's killed one.

00:55:36.000 They caught him red-handed, killing one. 0.92

00:55:38.000 And cutting up the body. 1.00

00:55:39.000 Yeah, that's deep shit. 1.00

00:55:40.000 That's something you do on your third body. 1.00

00:55:43.000 Right.

00:55:43.000 First two bodies, you light on fire.

00:55:45.000 So they opened up this case?

00:55:46.000 Are they going back to it?

00:55:48.000 That's the thing.

00:55:49.000 In this country, there's no statute of limitations on murder.

00:55:54.000 I think this show went into so much detail about...

00:55:58.000 Oh, so Susan Berman was 2000. What a nutty motherfucker. 1.00

00:56:02.000 You know what's the craziest part? 1.00

00:56:04.000 In the interviews on the show, on the Jinx, his eyes look...

00:56:09.000 Black. 0.93

00:56:09.000 They look like a demon. 0.93

00:56:11.000 They look like demon eyes.

00:56:13.000 Specifically, the entire time he's being interviewed.

00:56:15.000 And they cut back to the guy who...

00:56:18.000 Because they made a movie about the Galveston story.

00:56:20.000 I think Ryan Gosling starred.

00:56:22.000 It was a pretty good movie.

00:56:24.000 That guy who directed that film made this documentary.

00:56:27.000 And they're in this hotel in the back and forth. 0.99

00:56:29.000 Every time they cut to his eyes, you're like, that looks like a fucking... 0.99

00:56:33.000 What's it called? 1.00

00:56:35.000 Drag Me to Hell?

00:56:36.000 It's like Slytherin, the Harry Potter snake guy.

00:56:40.000 You're like, Jesus Christ, is there no eye color?

00:56:42.000 It's pitch black.

00:56:44.000 What's the Ryan Gosling movie?

00:56:46.000 I don't know.

00:56:47.000 I don't remember the name.

00:56:48.000 It's a good movie that takes you through...

00:56:53.000 The story pretty well and actually Durst liked the film so much That's why he agreed to do this series with this guy all good things all good things Yeah, he liked so much that he agreed to do and in that movie does he chop the guy up I can't remember if he does it in the in the Gosling movie,

00:57:11.000 but Yeah, that's Gosling.

00:57:14.000 Yeah Gosling playing him.

00:57:15.000 Yeah, well, but um I think he probably would because, you know, he really did that.

00:57:21.000 He admits to doing that. 1.00

00:57:22.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:57:23.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:57:24.000 He's a nut. 0.99

00:57:25.000 There's a detective on the jinx that says it best. 0.99

00:57:28.000 He goes, I don't think that Robert Durst is, like, somebody who takes pleasure in killing.

00:57:33.000 I don't think he's, like, a bloodthirsty guy. 0.95

00:57:36.000 But I think if you corner him and you make him feel threatened about something, he'll kill you.

00:57:43.000 And I was like, I think that's probably...

00:57:46.000 Accurate.

00:57:46.000 It's also, when you think about this guy, he's, how old is he now, like 70?

00:57:51.000 Older.

00:57:52.000 He's got to be late 70s.

00:57:54.000 Late 70s?

00:57:54.000 Early 80s, yeah, I think so.

00:57:55.000 So think about this guy.

00:57:57.000 He grew up in, you know, what does that mean?

00:58:01.000 He was born in the 40s?

00:58:03.000 Yeah, he has to be, do you have his age?

00:58:06.000 It's got to be.

00:58:08.000 So let's just say the 40s.

00:58:10.000 Yeah, he was born in 43. Yeah, okay.

00:58:13.000 There you go.

00:58:14.000 So he's born in the 40s.

00:58:15.000 So he grows up, you know, when he's seven, it's 1950. You could basically do anything back then.

00:58:21.000 True. 0.99

00:58:21.000 There was no fucking fingerprints. 0.99

00:58:23.000 There's no DNA. And if you're rich? 1.00

00:58:25.000 Nothing.

00:58:25.000 When did they figure out fingerprints?

00:58:27.000 Find that out.

00:58:28.000 One of those fingerprints to solve crimes.

00:58:30.000 I'm guessing the turn of the century.

00:58:32.000 I'm guessing 1900s.

00:58:33.000 I might be wrong about 1940. I'll say 1876. For fingerprints?

00:58:38.000 Either way.

00:58:39.000 1892. 1892. Ba-bam.

00:58:42.000 Either way, I think that those people that grew up then, they had a different sense of what you'd get away with.

00:58:51.000 I think so, too.

00:58:52.000 That and money.

00:58:53.000 Yeah.

00:58:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:58:54.000 And money.

00:58:55.000 Money, especially if you're talking...

00:58:57.000 I mean, we even...

00:58:58.000 Everybody says now, you know, somebody with money can do what they want and get away.

00:59:01.000 But back in the day, that is truly reality.

00:59:05.000 If you're coming from a lot of money and you destroy something, if you ruin somebody's life, you kill somebody, they're like, well, you know, you have a lot of money. 1.00

00:59:13.000 So, yeah, we're going to pay for this shit. 1.00

00:59:15.000 Stop peeling off them shekels. 1.00

00:59:17.000 Yeah.

00:59:17.000 And when he was doing this...

00:59:19.000 Like, when he was living in Galveston, he had that apartment.

00:59:22.000 He was still rich, right? 0.99

00:59:23.000 Rich as fuck, just, you know, not showing it. 1.00

00:59:27.000 He could still access money. 1.00

00:59:28.000 I mean, when he got arrested...

00:59:31.000 He called his wife, because he's married now and remarried someone who was living in New York, and this is Galveston, Texas, and they're like, bail is set at $250,000, which is, you know, that's what you've got to pay.

00:59:45.000 And he's like, cool.

00:59:46.000 And he called, and he's like, I need $250,000.

00:59:48.000 So why does he live in an apartment?

00:59:50.000 Because he wanted to be off the grid.

00:59:52.000 He wanted nobody to notice him because he knew that investigation had just fired up again.

01:00:00.000 Which, you know, that's not normally how innocent people act.

01:00:03.000 Yeah, especially living as a woman in Galveston, Texas.

01:00:06.000 A mute woman in Texas, yeah. 0.67

01:00:08.000 Why don't you just go to another country?

01:00:10.000 It's a good question.

01:00:11.000 Yeah, no, he still had access to some money because paid that in full, that's $250 gone when he jumped bail.

01:00:17.000 And then he hired a team of lawyers.

01:00:21.000 They were like, this is the best defense lawyer in Texas, criminal defense lawyer, and so is this guy.

01:00:28.000 And he was like, cool, both.

01:00:30.000 Whoa.

01:00:30.000 Paid them each 600 grand to defend him on this case.

01:00:34.000 And they got him off.

01:00:35.000 They got him off.

01:00:36.000 Jesus.

01:00:37.000 I wonder what the...

01:00:37.000 What could they have said that makes it okay to chop somebody up and throw them in the ocean?

01:00:43.000 You know, a body takes up a lot of space in your house.

01:00:47.000 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a mute woman we're talking about. 1.00

01:00:51.000 Okay, this man, he didn't know my client could defend himself.

01:00:54.000 He thought he was attacking a mute woman.

01:00:56.000 Imagine if that was your mama. 1.00

01:00:58.000 Imagine if that was your grandmama. 1.00

01:00:59.000 And this bloodthirsty fucking savage of Jewish descent. 1.00

01:01:04.000 Say some shit like that. 1.00

01:01:07.000 Tries to fuck your grandma, your mute grandma, can't even cry out for help. 1.00

01:01:11.000 Any y'all in the jury Jewish? 1.00

01:01:13.000 Yeah, I didn't think so. 0.99

01:01:14.000 Any y'all in the jury have a grandma that you love dearly and you don't want some hooligan fucking her and some strange Galveston apartment? 1.00

01:01:23.000 If you ain't a Jew, you must have quit. 1.00

01:01:25.000 Thank y'all. 0.96

01:01:26.000 You ain't a Jew, you must have quit. 1.00

01:01:31.000 Yeah, it's pretty intense.

01:01:32.000 What would the argument be?

01:01:35.000 They'd have to say the guy was trying to kill him.

01:01:36.000 Yeah, they show it.

01:01:38.000 I'm trying to remember.

01:01:40.000 They show it in the documentary?

01:01:41.000 Yeah, there's a lot of footage from the trial.

01:01:43.000 Wow.

01:01:44.000 I need to hear it.

01:01:45.000 I need to hear what, like, what the hell could they- Episode four has all that stuff.

01:01:48.000 What's great is when they read Not Guilty, they have the camera on him and he's like, keeps turning, he's like, not, they say not guilty, right? 0.99

01:01:54.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:01:55.000 And he's like, you sure? 1.00

01:01:56.000 And they're like, yeah, yeah, not guilty. 1.00

01:01:57.000 He's like, oh, shit, shit, thank God. 1.00

01:01:58.000 God, that must feel amazing. 1.00

01:02:00.000 Yeah, that's gotta be- You're about to go to jail after you chopped a dude up.

01:02:03.000 Yeah.

01:02:04.000 Like, what are the odds?

01:02:05.000 How can I get off this?

01:02:06.000 How great would it be if they say not guilty?

01:02:08.000 He goes, that's three.

01:02:09.000 That's three. 0.99

01:02:11.000 He walks out and fucking gang-sides the cameras on the way out. 0.99

01:02:15.000 Have you seen the Suge Knight footage? 0.99

01:02:17.000 No, I haven't.

01:02:19.000 I wanted to see it, but I was on a plane yesterday.

01:02:21.000 Yes!

01:02:21.000 We can't show it on the air because it's very, very, very disturbing.

01:02:25.000 If you want to see it yourself, they have footage of Suge Knight running over those guys.

01:02:30.000 It's an accident, right?

01:02:31.000 Oh, no.

01:02:33.000 You need to see it.

01:02:34.000 There's no accident involved in this.

01:02:36.000 This is not an accident.

01:02:38.000 Is there a live leak version?

01:02:40.000 Accidentally got captured on security cam.

01:02:43.000 No.

01:02:44.000 Yeah, so here's Suge Knight.

01:02:45.000 He pulls up.

01:02:46.000 Apparently they were filming the NWA film.

01:02:51.000 Yeah.

01:02:52.000 So this dude shows up.

01:02:53.000 But it looks like there's some kind of something going on here.

01:02:56.000 Yeah.

01:02:56.000 And the guy had a gun.

01:02:57.000 Yeah.

01:02:58.000 Look, I'm sure some people were threatening him.

01:03:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:03:01.000 I'm sure there was some shit going on. 0.98

01:03:02.000 But note what actually happens. 0.99

01:03:06.000 Like, this part is not a goddamn accident. 0.96

01:03:09.000 Look at that. 0.99

01:03:10.000 Bam.

01:03:10.000 Now watch this.

01:03:14.000 This is hard to watch.

01:03:18.000 That guy's dead.

01:03:20.000 The first guy lived, the second guy's dead.

01:03:22.000 The first guy lived?

01:03:22.000 Yeah.

01:03:23.000 Jesus Christ.

01:03:24.000 Yeah, that's why they blurred out the second guy, all the blurred spots, because that guy just got murdered.

01:03:30.000 Wow.

01:03:32.000 Yeah, he's moving them around.

01:03:34.000 That's good.

01:03:34.000 And then this guy takes a gun off him.

01:03:36.000 Picks his possible gun and sticks it in his back.

01:03:39.000 Yeah, most likely it was a gun.

01:03:41.000 Yeah.

01:03:42.000 Jesus.

01:03:43.000 I mean, he might have pulled a gun out on Suge Knight and Suge Knight drove over him.

01:03:47.000 I mean, that's what it looks like to me.

01:03:49.000 I mean, look.

01:03:50.000 Somebody ran up here.

01:03:50.000 This guy ran up to him.

01:03:51.000 Hey, you, you son of a gun. 0.99

01:03:54.000 There's like some movement. 0.99

01:03:55.000 Like he was grabbing each other or something. 1.00

01:03:59.000 Fucking A, man. 1.00

01:04:00.000 That's unbelievable. 1.00

01:04:00.000 That's hard to watch. 1.00

01:04:02.000 So you think Suge definitely did it to murder, not just freak out, like, get me the fuck out of here, and he just gunned him? 0.88

01:04:07.000 Well, it could be that, too. 0.98

01:04:08.000 But look at this.

01:04:09.000 Watch this.

01:04:09.000 Bam!

01:04:10.000 And he didn't try to go around that dude.

01:04:12.000 He went over him and ran that guy over.

01:04:16.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:04:17.000 That guy was getting run over, which is what most of us would do if someone pointed a gun at us.

01:04:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:04:23.000 Did you see what TMZ released today?

01:04:25.000 Footage from like four years ago when he was with Cat Williams and he did the exact same thing where he just went through a crowd of people in his SUV. They just put it on, it's on the front page of TMZ today.

01:04:38.000 So did he hurt anybody during that one?

01:04:40.000 Let me check it because I didn't actually watch the video yet.

01:04:43.000 I just saw it.

01:04:44.000 They need a documentary on him. 1.00

01:04:46.000 That guy's been through a lot of shit. 0.99

01:04:49.000 That dude, Jesus. 1.00

01:04:50.000 He just got shot earlier this year too. 0.88

01:04:52.000 He's like a real live gangster.

01:04:53.000 Yeah.

01:04:54.000 Living amongst us. 1.00

01:04:55.000 Bad shit happens, though, wherever he is. 1.00

01:04:58.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:04:58.000 You don't want to be around. 1.00

01:04:59.000 Every time he's at the Comedy Store, I legit get scared.

01:05:02.000 Like, I'm...

01:05:03.000 Because he used to come there a lot.

01:05:05.000 He attracts, you know...

01:05:08.000 That guy has a legacy of wrongdoing and just bad people around him.

01:05:14.000 Like, if you're in a room with him, something bad's gonna happen, I believe.

01:05:17.000 It's kind of amazing that he, up until this point, was still out in the street, you know?

01:05:20.000 Yeah, and he's served, you know, a significant time before.

01:05:23.000 Like, he's...

01:05:24.000 Yeah.

01:05:25.000 Well, this last thing, when he got shot, apparently really fucked him up pretty bad. 0.90

01:05:30.000 He just striked one person last time. 0.98

01:05:33.000 Struck.

01:05:33.000 And he doesn't say anything about if the person died or anything.

01:05:37.000 Jesus Christ.

01:05:39.000 Yeah. 0.60

01:05:40.000 He's a bad dude.

01:05:41.000 Yeah.

01:05:41.000 It's weird when you find out about those guys that are still out there.

01:05:45.000 And you go, really?

01:05:46.000 In 2015, this really obvious bad guy still running around out there?

01:05:49.000 Yeah, he's like a villain, right?

01:05:50.000 He's like a movie villain.

01:05:51.000 Like, imagine if John Gotti was alive and out there running around in Little Italy, mocking people the way he did back before they arrested him.

01:05:58.000 It's pretty crazy.

01:05:59.000 That was a weird one.

01:06:00.000 That's like a movie.

01:06:01.000 Well, the John Gotti one was a lot like a movie.

01:06:04.000 Yeah.

01:06:05.000 Because here was a guy...

01:06:06.000 And the parades in the streets from the neighborhood. 0.99

01:06:08.000 Fireworks and all that kind of crazy shit. 0.98

01:06:10.000 And everybody loved the neighborhood because everybody was safe. 0.99

01:06:13.000 You know, while this guy was the Don.

01:06:15.000 Yeah.

01:06:16.000 He would walk around in these super expensive suits and laugh.

01:06:19.000 And always look confident as hell. 1.00

01:06:20.000 Big, thick fucking neck. 1.00

01:06:22.000 Why are you trying to fuck with me? 1.00

01:06:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:23.000 It was always like... 1.00

01:06:24.000 They're just bugging a guy for no reason.

01:06:27.000 His favorite quote of mine is that after it was all said and done, he said, all I ever wanted was a good sandwich.

01:06:34.000 That's what he said?

01:06:36.000 That's what this was all about.

01:06:36.000 This could have been resolved so much easier if we just went to a deli.

01:06:39.000 Hey, just give me a sandwich.

01:06:43.000 Salami.

01:06:44.000 Well, Putin is kind of that guy, but way bigger.

01:06:46.000 Way bigger scale.

01:06:48.000 He's kind of that guy in Russia.

01:06:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:52.000 I mean, he just killed his fucking adversary. 1.00

01:06:54.000 Or somebody killed his adversary. 1.00

01:06:56.000 Some guy who's the leader of the whatever other party, the reform party.

01:07:01.000 Of course.

01:07:01.000 And you know, like, there's no, you know, they arrested people.

01:07:05.000 One of the guys blew himself up.

01:07:07.000 Blew himself up.

01:07:08.000 Yeah, that's the guy's apartment.

01:07:09.000 He blew himself up.

01:07:10.000 And there's never going to be a real investigation in Russia today.

01:07:15.000 You know it's connected to him.

01:07:18.000 Like, the order came down.

01:07:19.000 You think so?

01:07:20.000 I don't think they'll put it together.

01:07:20.000 No.

01:07:21.000 Not because they're not capable.

01:07:23.000 It's just that more people would end up getting, you know, shot. 0.97

01:07:26.000 You definitely think it was Putin's idea to kill that guy. 0.98

01:07:29.000 It's his idea. 0.88

01:07:31.000 There's not going to be a recording of him saying it, but you know his camp is like, for sure.

01:07:36.000 I'm reserving judgment, but it certainly looks that way.

01:07:38.000 What's really fascinating to me...

01:07:40.000 One of the things that's really fascinating to me is that this is only one thing that they do that's insane.

01:07:47.000 Yeah.

01:07:47.000 But there's other things they do that's insane with super, super rich people, where they accuse them of a crime, they go in, they take their businesses, they take all their money, and they put them in jail.

01:07:56.000 And they did this to this really rich, wealthy Russian oligarch, and they had them in jail for a long time, man.

01:08:01.000 And they recently released him.

01:08:02.000 I think he was in jail for more than eight years, if I remember correctly.

01:08:05.000 But I remember this story getting out.

01:08:08.000 This is the most insane story I've ever heard in my life.

01:08:11.000 This guy was some wealthy oil guy, was worth billions of US dollars, and they just came in and took this guy's business, put him in jail, And they've done it several times.

01:08:22.000 It's not a one-time thing they do. 0.52

01:08:24.000 They just go in there, whatever the dispute is, they just decide that you're an enemy of the state or you're treason, whatever crime they doctor up, slap your ass in jail, take all of your money, and they just leave you in jail for a long time. 0.98

01:08:40.000 It's horrific. 0.99

01:08:41.000 It's insane.

01:08:42.000 Yeah, and imagine, too, like, if you're just a regular citizen, like, you can't...

01:08:45.000 How scary that is to live there and you think, like, well, you know, start talking about it.

01:08:50.000 Like, make us think about it.

01:08:52.000 It's like, no, you really don't.

01:08:53.000 Like, then you also get thrown in jail or worse.

01:08:57.000 You can't even speak up about it.

01:08:59.000 Yeah, we don't really...

01:09:01.000 We don't comprehend that that feeling there must be to completely live in fear Yes, and it's not that the this is without a doubt.

01:09:10.000 There's some organizations in this country They don't even have to name them that have done horrific shit to to US citizens They've done the people have been murdered things have happened for sure, right?

01:09:19.000 Yeah, I'll agree that but it's nowhere near the scale it is right now Yeah in Russia like whatever corruption you might think there is an American I would agree with you. 0.97

01:09:27.000 There's a lot of corruption and But nothing compared to what's going on in Russia. 0.96

01:09:31.000 Russia's nuts, man. 0.97

01:09:32.000 That reminds me, like, I mean, I had a lot of Cuban friends when I lived in South Florida. 0.72

01:09:38.000 Like, all their stories of their parents were like that.

01:09:42.000 That, like, you know, Castro just, like, we had this successful, whatever, these stores.

01:09:48.000 And he just took our stores. 1.00

01:09:51.000 Took our shit. 1.00

01:09:53.000 And was like, it's not yours anymore. 1.00

01:09:55.000 Yeah, what the fuck, man? 0.99

01:09:57.000 Well, that's what happens when you've got a guy who's essentially like a king. 1.00

01:10:01.000 Yeah.

01:10:02.000 I mean, he's an emperor.

01:10:03.000 I mean, he's like an emperor of Russia.

01:10:04.000 That's really what he's like, right?

01:10:06.000 Yeah.

01:10:06.000 Yeah, it's terrifying.

01:10:08.000 What is that guy's life like?

01:10:10.000 What do you think a reality show following Putin around for a day would be like? 1.00

01:10:14.000 Imagine if he just decided to allow cameras to follow him around for a year and just show how he actually runs shit. 0.99

01:10:22.000 If he gets so crazy that he's like, look, I'll just show you all of it. 0.99

01:10:26.000 You want to see what we do? 1.00

01:10:28.000 Yeah, this guy is talking a lot of shit about me, so we're going to kill him. 1.00

01:10:32.000 And then they send some guys out and they gun some dude down and everybody goes, okay, who's going to do something about this? 1.00

01:10:38.000 Nobody?

01:10:38.000 Nobody, yeah.

01:10:39.000 Are we going to do something about this?

01:10:40.000 Like, what would the United States do?

01:10:41.000 We thoroughly...

01:10:44.000 What would they say?

01:10:45.000 What would they say?

01:10:46.000 We thoroughly disagree with Mr. Putin's decision to murder his biggest critic.

01:10:51.000 What would we say? 1.00

01:10:52.000 Yeah, it would be a complete bullshit statement. 1.00

01:10:55.000 Of course. 0.99

01:10:56.000 We wouldn't do anything.

01:10:56.000 Of course not.

01:10:57.000 And if we did do something, then they would start talking shit about, well, what about your drones, bitch? 1.00

01:11:01.000 What happened today was a terrible tragedy. 0.99

01:11:04.000 And we respect anyone's right to express themselves and say what they say and critique whomever they want to critique.

01:11:12.000 And the...

01:11:13.000 The solution is not dumping their body in rivers.

01:11:16.000 Thank you.

01:11:16.000 Chopping them up and then dumping their body in rivers.

01:11:19.000 Yeah, it's insane, man.

01:11:20.000 I think a lot of his actions, too, it's all based in fear, too, you know? 0.93

01:11:24.000 A lot of tough guy things, people think that, like, that guy's just this violent, crazy guy.

01:11:29.000 They're all just scared.

01:11:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:30.000 Well, he was ahead of the Russian version of the CIA. KGB. Yeah.

01:11:35.000 And he's still looking pretty good at 62 years old.

01:11:38.000 He looks like the guy that you would think of when you think of, like, a dangerous leader of a foreign country like Russia. 0.66

01:11:45.000 Yeah.

01:11:45.000 A dangerous, like, hawk-like, you know, military guy.

01:11:48.000 Especially shirtless on horseback?

01:11:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:11:50.000 That's the way to fucking roll. 0.99

01:11:51.000 Well, that was one of the things that... 1.00

01:11:52.000 What the fuck is his name? 0.99

01:11:57.000 The dude from The Bourne Identity. 1.00

01:11:59.000 Handsome bastard. 0.99

01:12:00.000 Matt Damon? 1.00

01:12:01.000 Matt Damon.

01:12:01.000 That's what Matt Damon had said about Sarah Palin that was hilarious.

01:12:05.000 When he was talking about Sarah Palin and her witty charm, getting to—folksy charm, I think the term he used—getting to become vice president with a guy as old as—what the fuck is his name? 0.99

01:12:19.000 McCain? 0.99

01:12:19.000 John McCain. 0.99

01:12:20.000 John McCain was in his 70s already, right?

01:12:23.000 When he was running for president, or at least close to it?

01:12:25.000 Like, if he dies, and then she could possibly be across the table from Putin.

01:12:29.000 Yeah.

01:12:30.000 They were talking about Sarah Palin and Putin sitting down.

01:12:33.000 Well, Vlad, I got to tell you, what you're doing to America is just wrong.

01:12:38.000 In America, she's not going to stand for it. 1.00

01:12:40.000 I'll tell you right now.

01:12:41.000 Atlanta Free, Home of the Braves. 1.00

01:12:43.000 He would probably just rape her right there on TV. Just punch her in the face and everybody scatters out of the room. 1.00

01:12:50.000 Zero respect for her. 1.00

01:12:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:51.000 Oh, my God.

01:12:51.000 It could be World War III. Yeah.

01:12:54.000 I like that their culture, like, he never smiles, you know? 1.00

01:12:56.000 That's considered, like, goofy and weak. 0.88

01:12:58.000 Yeah. 0.73

01:12:58.000 To smile out of the Eastern Bloc. 0.73

01:13:00.000 Well, he never gives you, like, a...

01:13:01.000 Yeah, no.

01:13:02.000 Not like Obama.

01:13:03.000 Obama, like, has a wide-open, laughy smile.

01:13:06.000 Like, he's a jolly fellow.

01:13:08.000 Yeah, yeah, for sure. 0.60

01:13:09.000 Yeah, that's considered goofy.

01:13:10.000 I wonder what they think about America.

01:13:11.000 I wonder what, like, the KGB-type fellows that are running Russia right now... 1.00

01:13:16.000 Silly, weak, um... 0.99

01:13:20.000 Guys smile too much... 0.99

01:13:23.000 Yeah, but do you wonder, like, I wonder what they think about the way their government works.

01:13:28.000 I wonder if there's, like, is there a select group of people that all this money is getting evenly distributed to so that everybody, like, keeps their mouth shut?

01:13:35.000 Or how many people are wanting to kill that guy?

01:13:37.000 Are we going to have to deal with the guy who kills him someday? 0.93

01:13:40.000 You know?

01:13:41.000 There's people that are all in, for sure.

01:13:43.000 And I think there's a lot of people that are just begging for things to change.

01:13:48.000 Did you see that HBO documentary recently on gay people in Russia?

01:13:53.000 No.

01:13:53.000 That was tremendous.

01:13:55.000 That was really a documentary.

01:13:57.000 They've written laws recently to ban it and there's these groups of guys that are just out hunting gays and they like to bait them.

01:14:09.000 So they put ads online and a guy poses.

01:14:14.000 Like, I want to meet you.

01:14:15.000 And then when the guy shows up, there's like 15 people and they hold him down and they throw piss on him.

01:14:22.000 And they put him on camera and just mock him.

01:14:27.000 It's terrible.

01:14:27.000 And then they upload it.

01:14:29.000 And everybody watches it in the country.

01:14:31.000 And a lot of times that guy who they're mocking would be a guy in the closet and will lose his job.

01:14:38.000 Family, they just humiliate them.

01:14:40.000 It's brutal.

01:14:41.000 It was brutal.

01:14:42.000 What do you think that is?

01:14:43.000 What is this, all of a sudden, especially, what is this new attention on gay people?

01:14:48.000 I think it's because there's been a lot of progress with gay rights, especially in the last 10 years.

01:14:55.000 So when something like that's coming more to the forefront, you go like, dude, this can't...

01:15:00.000 The people that don't want it, the super homophobic people...

01:15:04.000 Are going to act the way that they're acting.

01:15:06.000 They're so scared that this is going to be the norm and that we're going to treat them like human beings maybe even here that they're like, no.

01:15:16.000 So they start these organizations like a Better Family Today group.

01:15:23.000 It's like, we can't let these people be teachers and just live in our apartment buildings.

01:15:29.000 They're pariahs. 1.00

01:15:30.000 Yeah, so they, you know, they associate, it's all the old shit, like, all gay people are pedophiles, like, all that shit. 1.00

01:15:36.000 So, but that is, like, thriving and huge in Russia. 1.00

01:15:40.000 Not just thriving, but they're making laws against it.

01:15:42.000 Yeah, man, they're making laws. 0.66

01:15:44.000 Actively.

01:15:44.000 Like, imagine if someone, like, tried to actively make laws against gay people today in the United States.

01:15:49.000 There would be a huge uproar throughout the country.

01:15:51.000 What kind of uproar is there in Russia?

01:15:53.000 I think it's one of those things where it's really rare to speak up against that.

01:16:00.000 I think more people are probably in fear of saying something than doing what they know is the right thing to do.

01:16:08.000 That's the thing, too.

01:16:09.000 You have to empathize a lot with the person who is in that situation, who's not siding with that.

01:16:17.000 But lives in that kind of culture where you're like, are you going to speak up like when you know what the response is going to be?

01:16:25.000 You want to say yes, and you want to be like, yeah, of course, but it's a scary thing in an environment like that to speak up and be like, no, I'm going to say something.

01:16:36.000 Wasn't that what Pussy Riot went to jail for as well? 1.00

01:16:39.000 I think one of the things they went to jail for was protesting against the treatment of gays in Russia.

01:16:43.000 I think so.

01:16:44.000 Yeah.

01:16:44.000 That's one of the things where they were inside of a church.

01:16:48.000 Yeah, they did it in a church.

01:16:50.000 But one of the things they did, they were inside a church.

01:16:52.000 Yeah.

01:16:53.000 There was another one they did.

01:16:53.000 They got beaten by belts.

01:16:55.000 Did you ever see that one?

01:16:56.000 No.

01:16:57.000 There's footage of that?

01:16:58.000 Mm-hmm.

01:16:59.000 Oh, that's fine.

01:16:59.000 These soldiers show up, security people, whatever they were, and they're literally beating these girls with belts, like a whip thing.

01:17:07.000 Dude.

01:17:07.000 Yeah.

01:17:08.000 They just beat the fuck out of them.

01:17:10.000 Yeah, and it was when they were protesting. 0.94

01:17:12.000 Here, I'll pull it up.

01:17:13.000 Pussy Riot protest.

01:17:16.000 They were in the... 0.89

01:17:16.000 A couple of them were in the new season of House of Cards. 0.89

01:17:19.000 Really?

01:17:19.000 Yeah, they have a scene with the guy who's basically playing Putin on the show.

01:17:24.000 Yeah?

01:17:24.000 It's pretty...

01:17:25.000 That show's phenomenal.

01:17:26.000 Yeah, I need to watch that place.

01:17:28.000 Or watch that show, rather.

01:17:29.000 I still haven't...

01:17:29.000 You definitely have to start from the beginning.

01:17:31.000 That's one thing, for sure.

01:17:33.000 I had to give up on Homeland last night.

01:17:35.000 No good?

01:17:35.000 The new season, the beginning of it, is just bumming me out.

01:17:39.000 The thing about House of Cards is you've got to give it a few.

01:17:43.000 But once you get started, you're roped in.

01:17:47.000 Yeah, this is when they get beaten.

01:17:49.000 What?

01:17:50.000 Yeah, look, they put on these masks, I guess, and they do this thing.

01:17:57.000 They're dancing, and they come over and they get maced.

01:18:00.000 See? 0.99

01:18:01.000 The cops come over and mace them, and then they beat the shit out of them. 0.98

01:18:05.000 Look at this. 0.95

01:18:06.000 Look at these belt things.

01:18:07.000 They're whipping them. 1.00

01:18:08.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:18:10.000 They just start fucking them up. 1.00

01:18:12.000 He's whipping a cameraman, too. 0.99

01:18:14.000 Yep, everybody.

01:18:15.000 He's whipping everybody. 1.00

01:18:16.000 They're kicking everybody's ass. 1.00

01:18:17.000 And they're doing it while they're being filmed. 1.00

01:18:19.000 They don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:18:21.000 You know? 0.99

01:18:22.000 Imagine if this was happening in America. 1.00

01:18:23.000 They're kicking her and shit. 1.00

01:18:24.000 They kicked her when she's down, man. 1.00

01:18:26.000 These are security people.

01:18:27.000 This is like...

01:18:28.000 They're not even... 0.98

01:18:30.000 Hiding the fact that they're thugs. 1.00

01:18:33.000 This is like total thug shit. 1.00

01:18:35.000 They're kicking people and they're down, whipping them. 1.00

01:18:37.000 It's not like... 0.99

01:18:38.000 Security guards in America or police in America, if they did shit like that, they would get reprimanded. 0.99

01:18:43.000 They would be like, hey, your violence is inappropriate violence. 0.99

01:18:46.000 But if they sprayed them, they're allowed to spray them. 0.99

01:18:50.000 You can hit them with a tear gas in the face.

01:18:52.000 You can do a few things as far as restrain them. 1.00

01:18:54.000 But you can't kick them and whip them like that.

01:18:57.000 It's pretty intense, man. 0.99

01:18:58.000 I saw footage older, but still modern day, of Russian cops do not fuck around. 0.99

01:19:05.000 And I mean, not for even just shit like this, standard crime stuff, like if you're actually going after a guy who's, whatever, selling drugs or something that they would normally send. 0.98

01:19:17.000 These cops would jump over a picnic table and kick a guy in the jaw to bring him down. 0.99

01:19:23.000 They don't fuck around. 1.00

01:19:24.000 I saw footage of one guy pulled over. 1.00

01:19:29.000 He was pulled over by the cops.

01:19:30.000 And the cop, like, knocked on the window.

01:19:32.000 And the guy gestured.

01:19:34.000 And then he took a baton and just smashed the whole window open.

01:19:37.000 Wow.

01:19:37.000 Drugged the guy out of the car.

01:19:38.000 Yeah.

01:19:38.000 I don't think in Moscow you talk back to cops.

01:19:42.000 I don't think that happens at all there.

01:19:45.000 It's not playing around.

01:19:47.000 Meanwhile, they live on the same planet as us.

01:19:49.000 Right.

01:19:50.000 They've been around longer than us.

01:19:52.000 Way longer than us. 0.99

01:19:53.000 I mean, what the fuck is going on in Russia? 0.99

01:19:56.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:19:57.000 That's a war-torn place. 1.00

01:19:59.000 A lot of shit going on, right? 1.00

01:20:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:20:01.000 Do you know what's going on in the Crimea stuff? 1.00

01:20:03.000 Do you understand that?

01:20:04.000 I mean, I remember that...

01:20:06.000 I mean, I don't want to give a bad account of it, but, like, this was...

01:20:11.000 Territory that Russia, you know, claimed a long time ago or what was theirs? 0.98

01:20:16.000 And then they just straight up snagged that shit back from, what is it, Ukraine, right? 0.98

01:20:21.000 And huge dispute over it, obviously, but Putin and Russia's like, no. 1.00

01:20:27.000 See, that's where it's fucked up. 0.92

01:20:28.000 The Soviet Union, they all used to be in the same group. 0.98

01:20:30.000 All together, yeah.

01:20:31.000 They used to all be together.

01:20:32.000 They were all one team.

01:20:33.000 And now they're like going to war with each other.

01:20:35.000 That's like if, like, we got rid of Texas.

01:20:37.000 We're like, you know, you guys can just be your own thing.

01:20:39.000 Yeah.

01:20:39.000 Oh, but we want the Rio Grande.

01:20:42.000 No, that's ours. 1.00

01:20:44.000 Give us that shit back. 1.00

01:20:45.000 We want to take it back. 1.00

01:20:46.000 We want Texas back.

01:20:48.000 We should change our mind.

01:20:49.000 Unchecked, I think Putin would start taking all kinds of places back.

01:20:53.000 Do you think he would go to war?

01:20:55.000 Would he go to war with the United States? 0.67

01:20:58.000 I think even the craziest person...

01:21:04.000 You always have the nuclear threat in the back of your mind, and do you want all-out war?

01:21:09.000 I don't know. 0.97

01:21:09.000 In this day and age, it's kind of hard to imagine, you know, but if he was just like, we're gonna take, I don't know, fucking, we're gonna... 0.97

01:21:17.000 Russia. 0.99

01:21:18.000 Yeah, if Russia's gonna be like, we're going into Chechnya, you're gonna fuck them up again, like they have, and take the Republic of Georgia and all that shit back. 1.00

01:21:25.000 What if they say, we got a bad deal with Alaska, we want that shit back. 1.00

01:21:29.000 Yeah, that's when it gets crazy. 1.00

01:21:31.000 If they find out how much oil is in Alaska and they just decide. 0.90

01:21:33.000 I mean, isn't there some shit going on in Antarctica where they're like claiming spots of land for oil? 0.90

01:21:39.000 I don't know about that. 0.98

01:21:39.000 Claiming that it's Russia. 0.98

01:21:41.000 Really?

01:21:41.000 For sure, yeah.

01:21:42.000 Because it started to, you know, the snow caps are starting to melt.

01:21:46.000 So there's areas that are going to be open to travel with boats that aren't open right now.

01:21:51.000 So they're starting to claim these areas. 0.99

01:21:53.000 It's like old school, you know, colonial type shit. 0.99

01:21:57.000 More war is inevitable. 1.00

01:21:58.000 You know it's going to happen.

01:21:59.000 What do you mean inevitable?

01:22:01.000 It's going on right now.

01:22:02.000 But I mean like...

01:22:04.000 Whatever declines now, it's not like that would be the end of wars.

01:22:07.000 It's just gonna...

01:22:08.000 Yeah.

01:22:08.000 It's an endless cycle.

01:22:10.000 It just seems like it is.

01:22:11.000 Yeah.

01:22:11.000 This current design of human being that we're using.

01:22:15.000 Yeah.

01:22:15.000 And the fact that, you know, war results in profit, like the money is made, that's why...

01:22:20.000 There's so much money involved in war.

01:22:22.000 Yeah.

01:22:22.000 You see these, like, just the companies, you know, that make money.

01:22:30.000 Designing a ship or a rocket that the U.S. government likes.

01:22:35.000 They're like, this is great, we love this plane.

01:22:38.000 Billions.

01:22:39.000 Billions of dollars for you.

01:22:40.000 Billions to you. 1.00

01:22:42.000 Make more awesome shit. 1.00

01:22:43.000 Make it go around the world in one second. 1.00

01:22:45.000 Can you do that?

01:22:45.000 Make a gun that does what?

01:22:47.000 You see that thing they have the laser they're shooting that can disable a car?

01:22:51.000 No. 0.95

01:22:52.000 Yeah, they're shooting lasers through the hood of a truck and just fucking barbecues the engine. 0.98

01:22:56.000 Really? 0.99

01:22:57.000 Oh, it's nuts.

01:22:57.000 Like, it melts through the hood of a car.

01:22:59.000 I mean, I don't know how far it lasts, what the distance they're using these things, but they aimed at it.

01:23:04.000 They did a test demonstration of it and shot through an engine block.

01:23:08.000 You got that, Jamie? 1.00

01:23:09.000 Look at this shit. 1.00

01:23:11.000 What? 1.00

01:23:13.000 Fired from a mile away.

01:23:14.000 Lockheed Martin, see?

01:23:16.000 Dude, it's from a mile away.

01:23:18.000 Did you see the boat one?

01:23:19.000 Where it's to get off pirates and stuff, and they shoot a boat, and it catches the boat on fire when it's going to shore.

01:23:26.000 Imagine what Lockheed is going to get for that, like, when they go, well, you see what it does.

01:23:31.000 Yeah, they can shoot through an engine block a mile away.

01:23:34.000 This is insane.

01:23:35.000 We love your laser.

01:23:36.000 Here's $19 billion. 0.99

01:23:38.000 Fucking A, man. 0.99

01:23:40.000 How weird is that? 0.99

01:23:41.000 Yeah, it's incredible.

01:23:42.000 Highest power ever documented by a laser weapon of its type.

01:23:47.000 New York Stock Exchange info first.

01:23:51.000 Isn't that funny?

01:23:52.000 Yeah.

01:23:53.000 Isn't that funny?

01:23:53.000 Yeah.

01:23:54.000 That's what it is.

01:23:55.000 Lockheed Market, NYSE, you know, colon, LMT. It shows you.

01:24:01.000 That's the first fucking thing it shows you. 1.00

01:24:04.000 That's amazing. 1.00

01:24:05.000 That's amazing.

01:24:07.000 And I want to buy some laser stock.

01:24:08.000 That is LockheedMartin.com's...

01:24:10.000 Right.

01:24:12.000 But that's a press release from that.

01:24:13.000 The one when they did the boat?

01:24:15.000 Yeah.

01:24:15.000 Yeah, I've seen the boat.

01:24:16.000 Yeah, they can do some crazy shit now. 0.84

01:24:17.000 And they're going to set those things up in space. 0.95

01:24:19.000 So they'll just be in space.

01:24:21.000 Star Wars.

01:24:22.000 Floating above us. 1.00

01:24:23.000 They'll just laser beam your fucking house into the ground. 1.00

01:24:28.000 Unbelievable. 1.00

01:24:29.000 Terrifying.

01:24:29.000 With drones now and with laser beams in the future, I just kind of wonder.

01:24:35.000 Got to wonder if we're going to be able to keep it together.

01:24:37.000 Yeah.

01:24:37.000 It's kind of amazing.

01:24:38.000 No one's dropped a nuke since the 40s.

01:24:40.000 I think it's amazing all the time.

01:24:42.000 And that entire administration's goals, like the entire thing that their number one goal a lot of times, is just to keep Other governments from getting one.

01:24:56.000 That's the number one on the list for dozens of governments.

01:25:02.000 It's like, just keep Iran from developing one. 0.95

01:25:05.000 Just keep that from happening.

01:25:07.000 But meanwhile, Pakistan has them. 1.00

01:25:09.000 Yeah, India.

01:25:09.000 India has them.

01:25:10.000 And they're neighbors.

01:25:12.000 They're porting at each other and they're neighbors.

01:25:14.000 They're porting nukes at each other.

01:25:16.000 It's terrifying.

01:25:17.000 Who smells better?

01:25:18.000 Whoa.

01:25:21.000 Pakistan.

01:25:22.000 Really?

01:25:23.000 I don't know.

01:25:24.000 India is more famous for their food, right?

01:25:27.000 Indian food is way more popular.

01:25:28.000 More curry-like. 0.95

01:25:31.000 Probably similar.

01:25:32.000 I have a Pakistani friend who said the food's very similar.

01:25:35.000 It's a trick question.

01:25:37.000 Is it? 1.00

01:25:37.000 They all stink like shit. 1.00

01:25:38.000 How dare you? 1.00

01:25:39.000 You don't even go over there.

01:25:40.000 You don't even know this. 1.00

01:25:41.000 You're talking shit. 1.00

01:25:43.000 You know, yesterday, I sat next to Serena Williams on my flight. 1.00

01:25:47.000 Yeah, I saw that on your Instagram.

01:25:49.000 I keep meeting awesome black people on planes.

01:25:52.000 It's out of control.

01:25:53.000 What other awesome black people have you met on planes?

01:25:55.000 Bruce Bruce.

01:25:57.000 Mike Tyson.

01:25:59.000 Wow, that's right.

01:25:59.000 You met Mike Tyson on that plane.

01:26:01.000 Serena, the number one... 0.53

01:26:02.000 Mike Tyson became your buddy, right?

01:26:04.000 Well, I mean...

01:26:05.000 Do you text each other every now and again?

01:26:06.000 Nah, not really.

01:26:07.000 Shoot a text his way?

01:26:09.000 No. 0.81

01:26:10.000 Still thinking about him?

01:26:11.000 I tell him he's in my thoughts.

01:26:13.000 Oh! 0.60

01:26:14.000 You're in my thoughts and prayers.

01:26:17.000 So Serena Williams was cool?

01:26:18.000 Dude, the coolest!

01:26:19.000 And that's...

01:26:21.000 Arguably, you know, one of the most dominant, if not most dominant, female athlete of this generation.

01:26:27.000 One of them, for sure.

01:26:28.000 She's unbelievable.

01:26:29.000 Is she the best?

01:26:29.000 Is she the number one?

01:26:30.000 Number one, yeah.

01:26:31.000 Who's number two?

01:26:31.000 Any white chicks?

01:26:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:33.000 In that mix?

01:26:33.000 There's a bunch of...

01:26:35.000 Europeans?

01:26:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:26:36.000 It's all Europeans, right?

01:26:37.000 Ruskies and Europeans are always in there. 1.00

01:26:40.000 So she is...

01:26:41.000 That's interesting.

01:26:41.000 She's so dominant, man.

01:26:42.000 How many American female tennis players are there that are really famous? 1.00

01:26:47.000 Well, if we're talking about over the course of history, there's been...

01:26:50.000 Like right now.

01:26:50.000 Right now?

01:26:51.000 I really wouldn't know.

01:26:53.000 I don't know.

01:26:53.000 Right.

01:26:54.000 But this is what my point was. 1.00

01:26:55.000 But Serena Williams is famous as fuck. 1.00

01:26:58.000 But she's famous as fuck because she's such a winner. 1.00

01:27:02.000 Right. 1.00

01:27:03.000 Like, she is dominant. 0.96

01:27:04.000 Right.

01:27:04.000 And, you know, a lot of female tennis players...

01:27:07.000 Their decline, they peak early age-wise.

01:27:12.000 The female dominance in tennis sometimes happens teens and early 20s. 1.00

01:27:18.000 She's 33, number one in the world still, and still winning titles.

01:27:22.000 She ran from a drug test.

01:27:24.000 No.

01:27:25.000 Yeah, she hid herself.

01:27:27.000 It's either her or her sister.

01:27:28.000 Venus?

01:27:29.000 Yeah, let me find out.

01:27:31.000 She ran into her safe room.

01:27:33.000 She said she thought someone was breaking into the house.

01:27:35.000 And it was the drug test people?

01:27:36.000 Yeah.

01:27:37.000 That's hilarious.

01:27:39.000 Let me find out who it was.

01:27:41.000 Yeah.

01:27:44.000 It was Serena?

01:27:45.000 Yeah.

01:27:45.000 Yeah, it was her.

01:27:46.000 That's hilarious.

01:27:47.000 You know what, man?

01:27:48.000 I think it's one of those things.

01:27:49.000 Serena Williams locks herself in a panic room and drug test mix-up. 0.78

01:27:53.000 Whoopsies.

01:27:53.000 Wow.

01:27:54.000 I thought you were a murderer. 0.96

01:27:55.000 You were just a lab technician.

01:27:58.000 That's hilarious.

01:28:00.000 She probably knew she had like another six hours before she pissed clean. 1.00

01:28:04.000 She got in there and started drinking vinegar and water. 1.00

01:28:08.000 That's hilarious, man.

01:28:09.000 Hiding in the safe room.

01:28:10.000 Yeah.

01:28:11.000 Yeah, that is hilarious.

01:28:14.000 She's an impressive athlete, man.

01:28:16.000 She's an impressive athlete. 0.95

01:28:17.000 I think it's one of those sports, much like track and field, that virtually everybody's doing something.

01:28:23.000 In tennis?

01:28:24.000 I didn't know about it in tennis, really.

01:28:25.000 I really didn't.

01:28:26.000 I think every competitive sport that's worth millions of dollars.

01:28:29.000 Yeah.

01:28:29.000 There's so much money on the line.

01:28:31.000 I think that's when they start looking at it.

01:28:32.000 They start looking at it like, look, we have two options here.

01:28:35.000 Either we do it and we test positive and we get fined or something goes wrong and we get shamed.

01:28:41.000 Or we do it smart, and nobody ever finds out, and you make more money.

01:28:45.000 Yeah.

01:28:45.000 Did you watch that Armstrong documentary?

01:28:48.000 Yes.

01:28:48.000 The one on Netflix?

01:28:50.000 Yes, yes, yes.

01:28:51.000 I remember being on this show a few years ago before, you know, he admitted and all that stuff, and talking badly about him and getting a lot of messages from people.

01:29:05.000 That hated you. 1.00

01:29:05.000 That were really, they were like, he's never failed a test, you fucking idiot. 1.00

01:29:08.000 They don't email me anymore. 1.00

01:29:10.000 That's what they always say, too, when you ask them if they've ever done anything.

01:29:13.000 They go, I've never failed a test.

01:29:14.000 That was his big thing.

01:29:15.000 Yeah.

01:29:16.000 Everybody says that.

01:29:17.000 They always say that.

01:29:17.000 I've never failed a test.

01:29:18.000 Yeah.

01:29:19.000 Like, uh, that's not what I asked you.

01:29:21.000 Yeah.

01:29:21.000 Did you ever take anything that enhances your performance?

01:29:24.000 And I said, I've never failed a test.

01:29:29.000 Yeah.

01:29:30.000 It's so rampant now.

01:29:31.000 You're right.

01:29:31.000 In all sports.

01:29:32.000 Immune to questioning.

01:29:33.000 Yes.

01:29:34.000 It's rampant.

01:29:35.000 Yeah.

01:29:36.000 And in football, it's crazy.

01:29:39.000 Yeah.

01:29:39.000 Without question.

01:29:40.000 I just think it's a part of the sport of track and field.

01:29:43.000 I think it's a part of the sport of cycling.

01:29:46.000 It at least appears to be a part of the sport of MMA. There's a guy who's running the California Athletic Commission right now.

01:29:53.000 His name's Andy Foster.

01:29:54.000 He's a very smart dude.

01:29:55.000 And he's doing a really smart thing.

01:29:56.000 One of the things he's doing...

01:29:58.000 First of all, he's got a long history in martial arts.

01:30:02.000 He's actually fought himself.

01:30:04.000 He's competed.

01:30:04.000 He's been a martial artist for a long stretch of his life.

01:30:07.000 So he's really aware of the culture.

01:30:10.000 He understands it.

01:30:11.000 And he decided...

01:30:13.000 After this last UFC, to blood and piss test everybody.

01:30:17.000 Instead of just doing the people that are in the main card.

01:30:20.000 Instead of doing the blood tests on a select few in championship bouts.

01:30:24.000 Because they're very expensive.

01:30:26.000 They cost as much as $40,000 for each blood test.

01:30:30.000 What?

01:30:30.000 Yeah.

01:30:31.000 So I don't know what the California State Athletic Commission did when they financed that.

01:30:36.000 I don't know how much they paid for it.

01:30:37.000 And he didn't want to talk about it.

01:30:38.000 But what he did say...

01:30:40.000 Was they were going to do comprehensive blood screenings of everyone that competed.

01:30:45.000 And he goes, if there's anyone that's hiding something, we're going to find it.

01:30:47.000 And if you're hiding something that you wouldn't detect with urine, we're going to find it with blood.

01:30:53.000 Wow.

01:30:53.000 And so most people didn't expect these tests, so we'll see what happens.

01:30:57.000 Wow.

01:30:57.000 But, I mean, there's been so many people that have been caught in the UFC over the past few months and other MMA organizations that It's pretty hard to deny that it's an issue.

01:31:06.000 How much of an issue is it is the big question.

01:31:09.000 That's true, yeah.

01:31:10.000 Yeah, and the testing will get more complex and more advanced, and then so will the next performance-enhancing drug.

01:31:20.000 They just keep getting better at designing them, and then they have to get better at detecting them.

01:31:24.000 But that cycle will never end.

01:31:25.000 No.

01:31:26.000 Never end.

01:31:26.000 Not while there's competitors who want to win, and there's lots of money on the line.

01:31:31.000 It'll never end.

01:31:32.000 Yeah, I think they're just going to keep figuring out new ways to manipulate the system.

01:31:36.000 Yeah.

01:31:37.000 New bath salts.

01:31:38.000 Yeah.

01:31:39.000 Creams that you rub in.

01:31:40.000 Yeah.

01:31:41.000 You know they make weed bath salt now?

01:31:42.000 No.

01:31:43.000 Oh, yes, they do. 1.00

01:31:44.000 And I don't mean bath salts like that smoky shit that makes me, you know, makes you crazy. 1.00

01:31:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:49.000 I mean bath salts like you put in a bath. 1.00

01:31:51.000 Yeah, I saw you.

01:31:52.000 You said you've been taking them a lot?

01:31:53.000 You've been doing those a lot?

01:31:54.000 I've been doing just regular Epsom salts.

01:31:56.000 Yeah, Epsom salts.

01:31:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:57.000 And, you know, I have a tank, the isolation tank.

01:31:59.000 It's all Epsom salt, too, but it doesn't get hot.

01:32:02.000 So you do the really hot one?

01:32:03.000 Yeah, the baths, I get hot.

01:32:05.000 And you feel much better after them?

01:32:06.000 Oh my god, it feels like everything is so loose and relaxed. 0.99

01:32:10.000 Epsom salts are some old school shit, dude. 0.99

01:32:12.000 They figured that out a long time ago. 1.00

01:32:13.000 And you do the cryo thing, too, right?

01:32:15.000 Mm-hmm.

01:32:15.000 All those things are good, dude.

01:32:17.000 Be proactive with your health, Tommy Bunz.

01:32:20.000 Proactive with your health.

01:32:21.000 I got a trainer, man.

01:32:22.000 I look forward to it.

01:32:23.000 You got a trainer that loves Jesus.

01:32:24.000 That's true.

01:32:25.000 Are you allowed to talk about him?

01:32:26.000 Yeah, sure.

01:32:27.000 In great depth.

01:32:28.000 I don't think he listens to the show.

01:32:29.000 If he does.

01:32:31.000 About to find out.

01:32:31.000 About to have my last session.

01:32:33.000 He needs to know some shit. 0.99

01:32:34.000 I got another guy for you. 1.00

01:32:35.000 Don't worry about it.

01:32:36.000 Okay, cool.

01:32:37.000 So tell me what he does to you?

01:32:40.000 I hired a trainer, working out.

01:32:43.000 He's a good trainer.

01:32:44.000 Knows his stuff.

01:32:45.000 I'll say that.

01:32:46.000 Works me out really hard.

01:32:47.000 I've really enjoyed it.

01:32:48.000 I've been progressing.

01:32:49.000 It's been good.

01:32:50.000 Losing weight, getting strong.

01:32:51.000 All that's good.

01:32:53.000 But then, like, he'll just drop some Jesus Christ stuff on me sometimes.

01:32:59.000 I'm out of there.

01:33:00.000 Yeah, well, you know what I started to think about?

01:33:03.000 I was like, I'd worked with different trainers, you know, over the course of my life.

01:33:06.000 I feel like they all...

01:33:07.000 A lot of trainers have, like, a weird...

01:33:10.000 They always have, like, kind of something about their personality, you know?

01:33:13.000 Yes.

01:33:14.000 Some of them will, like...

01:33:15.000 You ask them one thing, and they'll give you their philosophy on, you know, their life philosophy, and you're like, yeah, I just, are we doing another set?

01:33:22.000 Like, you just kind of like, you know what I mean?

01:33:24.000 Like, some of them will download about their love life.

01:33:26.000 Like, they have quirks, and him, it'll just be like in the middle of working out, and then he'll be like, uh, you can stop there.

01:33:32.000 Or when I went in, I was like, I had a respiratory thing.

01:33:35.000 And I go, hey, today, can we just do, like, heavy, but kind of not keep heart rate up really high so I'm not breathing, because my lungs are bothering me.

01:33:44.000 And he was like, absolutely.

01:33:46.000 Then we start working out, and I'm just running all over.

01:33:48.000 He's having me do box jumps, and I'm just like, thanks for ignoring me.

01:33:53.000 And he goes, you know, I remember you said that, but then you've been fine, and he won't let me push you too hard.

01:33:59.000 And I was like, what?

01:34:01.000 And he goes, if I was pushing you too hard, Jesus will go like, hey, hey, hey, take it easy on him.

01:34:06.000 Jesus Christ, you've got to get out of there.

01:34:08.000 What are you talking about?

01:34:09.000 Oh.

01:34:11.000 Alright, so next set?

01:34:12.000 Like, should we just go to the next thing then?

01:34:14.000 See, the thing I've learned about people is that when you ask questions at those moments is when they'll really take it to the next level.

01:34:24.000 So I'm very aware that by engaging that part of the conversation will lead to more of it.

01:34:32.000 So what I do normally is when it comes up, I just all go like, I'll nod and be like, yeah.

01:34:37.000 Alright, I'm going to do this next one, and I'll just move on.

01:34:40.000 Because that's how that part of the conversation dies, and then it shifts to something else.

01:34:45.000 Like, I was leaving on, I went on a little mini tour last week, and right before I left, I was with him, and we had just finished the work, and I was like, yeah, you know, I just hope I don't fall off too much on this week off.

01:34:59.000 I was basically baiting for motivation and some type of game plan.

01:35:04.000 Like, try to do cardio Thursday and maybe do this and that Friday, that kind of thing.

01:35:10.000 Right.

01:35:10.000 And so I was like, yeah, I just hope my progress doesn't die down.

01:35:14.000 He goes, well, we always try to do stuff on our own, but the thing is, if you ask Jesus for help, he'll give it to you.

01:35:22.000 And I was just like, I just want to know how many reps I should do on Friday.

01:35:29.000 Can you write me up a program?

01:35:31.000 Yeah, and so...

01:35:32.000 You can put all that Jesus stuff in there, too.

01:35:33.000 Just highlight that part.

01:35:35.000 And I go, yeah.

01:35:37.000 And he goes, you know, we don't do anything on our own.

01:35:39.000 He's there helping us, and he loves when we ask for help.

01:35:41.000 Black eye or white eye?

01:35:42.000 White eye.

01:35:43.000 And I go, all right, man.

01:35:45.000 Ex-junkie or what?

01:35:48.000 Yeah.

01:35:49.000 Yeah.

01:35:49.000 Hmm.

01:35:50.000 I guessed. 0.90

01:35:51.000 Crazy.

01:35:52.000 So what's the background? 0.89

01:35:53.000 Well, he's not an ex-junkie.

01:35:55.000 He's just an ex-adrenaline guy, like everything.

01:35:58.000 Adrenaline junkie?

01:35:59.000 Like everything.

01:36:00.000 But no, but I think drugs, alcohol, everything.

01:36:03.000 Yeah.

01:36:04.000 Yeah.

01:36:04.000 Good.

01:36:05.000 Nice guy, too.

01:36:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:07.000 I met a bunch of them that are nice guys.

01:36:08.000 Yeah, they're a nice guy.

01:36:09.000 And you can't deny the effectiveness of that, like, of using, like, religion in your life for a lot of people.

01:36:16.000 Yes.

01:36:17.000 It does work if you believe in it.

01:36:18.000 I think that it probably, you know, my whole thing is that I think it probably does, really does work and do something for him.

01:36:28.000 It does something for a lot of people.

01:36:29.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:36:30.000 It doesn't mean it's real, but it's like a placebo.

01:36:33.000 Should it be okay to sell someone a sugar pill and tell them that it cures cancer?

01:36:38.000 No, but what if you do that and it cures their cancer?

01:36:40.000 Right.

01:36:41.000 Right.

01:36:41.000 Well, that's what religion is for a lot of folks.

01:36:45.000 There's a lot of people that if you tell them that the Lord is watching over them, that everything's going to be amazing, they have now that covered.

01:36:52.000 Sure.

01:36:53.000 Okay.

01:36:53.000 As long as I pay my homage to the Lord, pay my respects to the Lord, I do my praying, I make sure I'm covered.

01:36:59.000 God's going to make sure everything's cool.

01:37:01.000 Yeah.

01:37:01.000 And that alone will give you a certain amount of relaxation, a certain amount of...

01:37:05.000 A big part of why it doesn't, like, really freak me out is that my mother's pretty much exactly like that.

01:37:11.000 Oh, okay.

01:37:11.000 So, you know, like...

01:37:12.000 You're around it.

01:37:14.000 Yeah, she's dialed it back to me.

01:37:17.000 Because she's like, you're 35 and you're still not doing it.

01:37:20.000 But I grew up with rosaries everywhere, crosses everywhere.

01:37:25.000 If we take a 10-minute car ride, she's like, let's play the rosary. 0.67

01:37:29.000 Play the rosary?

01:37:30.000 I'm sorry, pray the rosary.

01:37:31.000 Oh, pray the rosary.

01:37:33.000 On a 10-minute car ride.

01:37:34.000 What do you do during these 10-minute car rides?

01:37:36.000 What do you have to do?

01:37:38.000 You know, Our Father and then 10 Hail Marys and then another Our Father and then 10 Hail Marys.

01:37:43.000 You do 50 Hail Marys because there's a 10 or 15 minute car ride.

01:37:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:37:47.000 Pray before meals, pray, you know, that kind of stuff.

01:37:50.000 And then she's like, if I tell her like, you know, hey, this is great.

01:37:54.000 I just sold out this show in Atlanta.

01:37:59.000 It was great.

01:38:00.000 And she's like, did you thank God?

01:38:01.000 I'm like, I was about to.

01:38:04.000 I called you first.

01:38:06.000 Did I ever tell you this story about how...

01:38:09.000 She's sweet, though.

01:38:09.000 There was this girl in college that I thought was into me, but she was really just trying to get me to go to one of these Christian retreats.

01:38:15.000 No!

01:38:17.000 Oh, I was such an adult.

01:38:19.000 This really hot Puerto Rican girl who wore glasses. 0.77

01:38:22.000 She was really sexy. 0.84

01:38:25.000 And I was so...

01:38:26.000 I had no idea what was going on.

01:38:28.000 I thought, like, this girl wants me to join her and her friends and party.

01:38:32.000 So we're all hanging out.

01:38:34.000 Um...

01:38:34.000 We're in class, and she was constantly trying to get me to go to these things, and I couldn't do it.

01:38:38.000 Because back then, a lot of times I was fighting in tournaments.

01:38:41.000 So I was talking to her, and no subject of religion, no topics were brought.

01:38:50.000 It was just normal life stuff.

01:38:51.000 Religion never even... 0.99

01:38:53.000 It was never, hey, come out to these parties, we're going to have a Christian get-together.

01:38:58.000 It was just normal talk, and then one day...

01:39:01.000 We were at a cafeteria during lunch and I came in and I sat down and I said, did you guys hear that there was a plane crash landed at the airport?

01:39:10.000 And they're like, oh no, what happened?

01:39:12.000 Was anyone hurt?

01:39:12.000 I go, no, no, the front landing gear didn't go down.

01:39:16.000 It had a skid, but everybody's fine.

01:39:18.000 And so they all go, praise God.

01:39:20.000 Oh, praise God.

01:39:21.000 I went, huh!

01:39:23.000 All of them?

01:39:24.000 Oh, no. 1.00

01:39:26.000 And then I just started like, oh, you idiot. 1.00

01:39:28.000 You thought she thought you were hot. 1.00

01:39:30.000 She's just trying to suck you into the cult. 1.00

01:39:32.000 And so I go, praise God? 0.74

01:39:35.000 You think God had something to do with that?

01:39:37.000 If God was around, why wouldn't he make the landing gear come back out?

01:39:41.000 Like, why would he just make everybody be okay?

01:39:43.000 Because the landing gear didn't work.

01:39:45.000 Wouldn't he fix the landing gear so everybody didn't die?

01:39:48.000 He likes mechanical things.

01:39:49.000 He does stuff.

01:39:50.000 And I forget what the response was, but they were very upset with me.

01:39:54.000 Yeah.

01:39:54.000 And we got into this religious conversation.

01:39:57.000 So I'm like, so you guys are, like, super religious?

01:39:59.000 And, like, I had to know, like, what was going on.

01:40:01.000 So I go, so what are these parties?

01:40:02.000 What do you guys do?

01:40:02.000 Well, we get together and we talk about the Lord and we like to bring other people...

01:40:06.000 And to the Lord, so they understand how we feel about the Lord.

01:40:09.000 Because a lot of people, they just don't have exposure to the Lord. 0.98

01:40:11.000 And I was like, oh, damn it! 0.99

01:40:13.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:40:13.000 Meanwhile, she was hot. 0.99

01:40:14.000 I think she was dirty when she was younger. 0.99

01:40:16.000 Right. 0.69

01:40:17.000 And she was trying to make up for it.

01:40:17.000 Make up for the dirtiest.

01:40:18.000 Because she just smelled like sex. 0.99

01:40:20.000 And I mean, I don't mean like, stagib. 0.99

01:40:22.000 Yeah.

01:40:22.000 I mean, like, she was like, sexy.

01:40:24.000 Yeah.

01:40:24.000 God.

01:40:26.000 And she was like the little coyote that they would put out that's in heat and tricks dogs into going out into the woods and the other coyotes jump them and eat them. 0.95

01:40:33.000 That's what she was.

01:40:34.000 Really?

01:40:34.000 Yeah.

01:40:35.000 Glasses, sexy, recruiting dudes.

01:40:37.000 That works.

01:40:38.000 And it was like down the Cape.

01:40:40.000 So it was like a significant trip.

01:40:42.000 You had to go and stay with them and hang out for the weekend.

01:40:45.000 And I was like, what are you guys going to do?

01:40:47.000 Oh, we have this party.

01:40:48.000 It's going to be really amazing.

01:40:49.000 A lot of our friends come down.

01:40:51.000 I sat next to a girl on a flight who had a book about St. Peter, and I was like, oh, we started talking about the book, and then we started talking about Christ, and I started asking her more questions, and she goes, yeah, you know, I just came to this kind of conclusion that it was difficult,

01:41:10.000 but if you don't accept Christ, Christ, you know, you'll definitely go to hell.

01:41:15.000 And I go, well, one of my first thoughts, if you were to say that, would be like, what about all the Jews and Muslims in the world? 0.99

01:41:26.000 And she goes, they're going to hell. 0.98

01:41:27.000 And I was like, Jesus!

01:41:30.000 That's really intense.

01:41:32.000 I go, you think they all will go to hell?

01:41:34.000 She goes, unfortunately, unless they accept Christ, they will. 1.00

01:41:38.000 What a fucking crazy reality to have in your head. 1.00

01:41:41.000 Wow. 1.00

01:41:41.000 That's the reality that you walk around with everywhere you go. 1.00

01:41:44.000 Like, excuse me, you must listen to me.

01:41:46.000 You must listen to me.

01:41:48.000 Yeah.

01:41:49.000 Maybe you know me.

01:41:50.000 My name is Kirk Cameron, and I'm here to tell you that if you don't listen to me and listen to the Lord... 1.00

01:41:56.000 Go to hell. 1.00

01:41:57.000 You gotta fry. 1.00

01:41:58.000 There's no air conditioning, and it's fucking hot. 0.99

01:42:00.000 There's gonna be demons. 1.00

01:42:02.000 They stick forks up your asshole. 1.00

01:42:05.000 You're gonna go to hell. 1.00

01:42:06.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:42:06.000 When you take it there, it's like, alright, let's be done with this. 0.99

01:42:09.000 Have you ever seen that there's an ancient Italian painting?

01:42:12.000 It's on the roof of some cathedral and it's all like the rooftop painting represents like heaven and all the way down to hell and the outskirts like the bottom layer represents hell and there's actual demons and people that are down there getting tortured by demons.

01:42:32.000 In the painting? 0.99

01:42:33.000 Yes and the demons are shoving like pitchforks up people's asses. 1.00

01:42:39.000 No. 0.99

01:42:39.000 Jamie will find it. 0.99

01:42:41.000 Look at this.

01:42:43.000 Sistine Chapel.

01:42:44.000 Sistine Chapel.

01:42:45.000 That's the Sistine Chapel?

01:42:47.000 Dude, those are demons.

01:42:48.000 And it's just one of them.

01:42:50.000 I mean, they exist.

01:42:52.000 These kind of images exist on several different paintings.

01:42:56.000 Look. 1.00

01:42:57.000 Fucking demons in hell. 1.00

01:42:59.000 They're getting dragged. 1.00

01:43:02.000 Whoa. 0.99

01:43:02.000 I don't even know if that's the only one, because I don't see the pitchfork up the ass one. 0.99

01:43:07.000 There's another one. 0.80

01:43:08.000 Check to see if we can find some other ones.

01:43:09.000 But look at that demon, man. 1.00

01:43:11.000 Creepy fucker. 1.00

01:43:11.000 How come there's no rule where that happens, then you go, okay, okay, okay, I accept. 1.00

01:43:16.000 I'm with you now.

01:43:17.000 Nope, too late. 1.00

01:43:18.000 God damn it. 0.99

01:43:18.000 I mean, sorry. 0.99

01:43:20.000 Well, it's because it was written by morons. 1.00

01:43:22.000 Like, it doesn't make any sense. 1.00

01:43:24.000 It does make no sense.

01:43:25.000 Why would God only tell those people?

01:43:27.000 How about tell us, too?

01:43:28.000 If God came down and told us how to live, we would all be like, okay!

01:43:33.000 Okay, you're right there, now we know.

01:43:34.000 Oh, we have to be told by our grandparents?

01:43:36.000 It's called having faith!

01:43:38.000 That's what you always get.

01:43:41.000 Oh, by the way, another awesome black person.

01:43:45.000 George Michaels is not black.

01:43:46.000 I know.

01:43:47.000 Okay.

01:43:47.000 But when I got off the plane yesterday, Deion Sanders was right there.

01:43:50.000 Really?

01:43:50.000 If he hadn't been on the phone, standing next to whom I believe was his daughter, I would have totally...

01:43:56.000 I did throw out like a, what's up, Prime?

01:43:57.000 Oh, no.

01:43:59.000 And he was in the middle of a conversation on his phone, so I knew, like, you know, don't, like, like, hey, man.

01:44:06.000 But he was, like, talking to somebody.

01:44:08.000 I go, sup, Prime?

01:44:08.000 I stuck out my hand for people.

01:44:09.000 He's like, yeah, so he's like, all right, man.

01:44:12.000 That's cool.

01:44:12.000 He kept talking.

01:44:13.000 That's cool.

01:44:14.000 That's cool.

01:44:15.000 That's good.

01:44:16.000 As long as it's not a line of people trying to take selfies with them.

01:44:18.000 No, no, no, no.

01:44:19.000 You started a little selfie rumble.

01:44:21.000 I wouldn't do that to Neon Dionne.

01:44:23.000 That's beautiful.

01:44:25.000 This thing that you do on your podcast, which is a hilarious podcast to do.

01:44:29.000 I really enjoyed that.

01:44:30.000 Oh, we had the best time with you.

01:44:32.000 We had a great time.

01:44:33.000 It was fun.

01:44:33.000 It's called Your Mom's House.

01:44:34.000 And you guys, you do it.

01:44:36.000 You have live shows, which I still have to see because I keep hearing amazing things about them.

01:44:41.000 I get a lot of Twitter messages from people that have seen your live shows.

01:44:45.000 It's so fun.

01:44:45.000 We're doing it this Sunday in San Francisco at Cobb's.

01:44:48.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:44:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:44:50.000 You guys have a bunch of games that you play.

01:44:53.000 Yeah.

01:44:53.000 You play segments.

01:44:54.000 One of them was Black or Tom. 0.81

01:44:56.000 Yeah, Tom or Black. 0.73

01:44:57.000 Tom or Black, where you imitate black people and then you have actual recordings of black people talking. 0.89

01:45:04.000 Yes.

01:45:05.000 Did anybody ever call you racist for that?

01:45:07.000 Sure.

01:45:12.000 What's the argument?

01:45:13.000 What do they say? 0.51

01:45:14.000 Do they say black people don't really talk like that? 0.85

01:45:16.000 Or some black people don't really talk like that? 0.74

01:45:18.000 No, to be honest with you, it's very minimal.

01:45:21.000 Not a lot of people say that.

01:45:23.000 I think people really know intent.

01:45:28.000 I think people really gauge it.

01:45:29.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:45:30.000 Are you online?

01:45:31.000 Do you read Twitter?

01:45:33.000 Well, no, I'm saying like, as far as like a listener of our show, I don't think that they go, you're being super racist.

01:45:40.000 I think that they, like to me, for doing the game and doing like a black voice.

01:45:45.000 But it's not the listeners of your show that you have to worry about. 0.95

01:45:48.000 It's people who find out about your show who are not listeners and then think it's cute to write a salon.com article about everything that's wrong with podcasting, your mom's house, racist, homophobic, you know, fart worshiping. 0.74

01:46:00.000 Yeah.

01:46:01.000 I mean, on my special, my special has...

01:46:05.000 I don't do the game, but I basically have a bit that's kind of in line with that.

01:46:09.000 Right. 0.96

01:46:10.000 Talk about shouting black at black people and trying to trick them. 1.00

01:46:13.000 Right. 0.99

01:46:14.000 And how I did it to Big Daddy Kane one time.

01:46:16.000 Right.

01:46:16.000 So, like, I have a bit about that.

01:46:18.000 And, of course, like, if you go and you read some of the reviews, people are like, this was super racist.

01:46:23.000 This guy did that. 0.99

01:46:23.000 I think they're silly. 0.99

01:46:24.000 I think they're nonsense. 0.99

01:46:25.000 Right.

01:46:26.000 I think most people get that, like, you know, that bit...

01:46:30.000 It came out of, like, it's really out of, like, love.

01:46:34.000 It's out of, like, total, from my point of view, like, adoration of Black... 1.00

01:46:41.000 Big Daddy Kane.

01:46:42.000 Big Daddy Kane and Black pop culture. 0.78

01:46:43.000 Absolutely.

01:46:44.000 That's true.

01:46:45.000 You're a big rap fan.

01:46:46.000 Yeah, I think people pick up on that.

01:46:48.000 I think they do.

01:46:49.000 Well, anybody who knows you knows you're not a racist. 0.99

01:46:51.000 Anybody who listens to your podcast knows that you love to be silly. 0.99

01:46:54.000 Of course. 1.00

01:46:55.000 It's a very silly show. 1.00

01:46:56.000 You and your wife are both ridiculously silly in your show. 1.00

01:46:59.000 Out of all the comic couples that I know, you guys are without a doubt the best, but also the best together. 0.99

01:47:05.000 You're not just funny people that happen to be married to each other.

01:47:09.000 You guys work off each other really well.

01:47:11.000 We have a really good chemistry.

01:47:13.000 Yeah.

01:47:13.000 You guys are hilarious.

01:47:14.000 It's so fun. 0.94

01:47:15.000 But that black or Tom or Tom or black thing, that's one of those things where like, are we pretending that there aren't black people that talk like that? 0.74

01:47:22.000 What are these videos that we're watching? 0.94

01:47:24.000 You watch Pimps Up, Hoes Down. 1.00

01:47:25.000 Who are these people?

01:47:26.000 Are they actors?

01:47:27.000 Is this a role?

01:47:28.000 Is this preposterous?

01:47:29.000 It's insane. 0.98

01:47:31.000 It's one of those things, too, where it's like, the person that does that goes, Black people don't talk like that, right? 0.99

01:47:36.000 They'd be like, you're making a mockery, black people don't talk like that. 1.00

01:47:38.000 And I go, well, my response would be like, well, you're right that all black people don't talk like that. 1.00

01:47:43.000 But, you know, some black people somewhere do, like, what's up, playboy? 0.97

01:47:49.000 I'm gonna holler at you later. 0.97

01:47:51.000 There's a guy who talks like that, for sure.

01:47:54.000 But it's cute that you're not allowed to do it because of the color of your skin.

01:47:58.000 Right.

01:47:58.000 Because of where your parents were born or whatever.

01:48:01.000 But a black guy could do the exact same voice the exact same way. 0.80

01:48:05.000 All white guys are like, hey. 0.71

01:48:08.000 Richard Pryor started that off.

01:48:10.000 And then how many black comics did that after that?

01:48:13.000 They did it bad.

01:48:14.000 Because Pryor was much more subtle.

01:48:16.000 My mom, she's a great old gal. 0.99

01:48:18.000 Right, right, right.

01:48:19.000 I mean, nobody had really done that back then when he was doing it, you know? 0.99

01:48:22.000 Yeah, I did a bit about the first 48, where I break down the show, and how there's some really aggressive black guys on that show yelling crazy shit, and I do an impression of it. 1.00

01:48:36.000 Dude, the biggest response of positive, flipping out, holy shit reaction was always in crowds where there was a lot of black people. 1.00

01:48:47.000 Yeah, because they're not offended by it. 0.99

01:48:48.000 They're not offended by it.

01:48:49.000 They know it's true.

01:48:50.000 Yeah.

01:48:50.000 And also, if someone's secure, they're not going to worry, like, what are you saying, we're all like that?

01:48:56.000 What kind of crazy person says you're all like that? 0.58

01:48:58.000 Of course. 1.00

01:48:59.000 You know, everything else, you saw all this other material, you laughed at all this other, you saw all this other insight, and you think, oh, but it's all just a trick to get you to laugh at some racist shit, because I'm a racist. 0.96

01:49:09.000 Yeah, and I think that black people who really flipped out and loved that bit were doing it because they were like, yeah, they've seen the first 48, and they know exactly what I'm highlighting. 0.97

01:49:20.000 They know what I'm making fun of. 0.94

01:49:22.000 If you were black, you could do it with no problem. 0.99

01:49:24.000 Absolutely. 0.97

01:49:25.000 But if you're white, you can do white voices.

01:49:27.000 No one ever gets mad at you doing a redneck voice. 0.70

01:49:32.000 100%.

01:49:32.000 But black people could do the redneck voice too.

01:49:34.000 Right. 0.81

01:49:35.000 That's the difference.

01:49:36.000 That is true.

01:49:36.000 They can mock rednecks all day long.

01:49:38.000 No one says a peep.

01:49:39.000 No one cares.

01:49:40.000 No one cares, yeah.

01:49:41.000 Anybody can mock rednecks. 0.99

01:49:42.000 Rednecks mock themselves. 1.00

01:49:44.000 Yeah.

01:49:45.000 Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a redneck. 0.82

01:49:47.000 If your mama and your daddy live in the...

01:49:50.000 Yeah, of course, yeah.

01:49:51.000 You might be a redneck. 0.79

01:49:52.000 You know, that's mocking rednecks. 1.00

01:49:53.000 Nobody cares.

01:49:54.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:49:55.000 Because he's white. 0.82

01:49:56.000 If your uncle's trousers are in the yard... 0.99

01:49:58.000 But if he was black, still nobody would care. 1.00

01:50:02.000 True. 0.99

01:50:02.000 Like, black people, they have full license to make fun of white people and white culture. 0.99

01:50:06.000 Yeah, sure. 0.97

01:50:08.000 I think we all kind of accept that, right?

01:50:09.000 I mean, like, that's...

01:50:11.000 There's no argument against it, and part of it is because you know the kind of the ladder, the socioeconomic ladder.

01:50:20.000 So it's like, if you're a white male, you're automatically perceived as you have it the best.

01:50:26.000 Right.

01:50:26.000 So like, you making, you have to be, it's about what you're making fun of.

01:50:31.000 You can make fun of the other races, or you can make a joke involving race, but like, what's your angle on it? 1.00

01:50:38.000 If you're just like, you know, fucking, these people are just dumb. 1.00

01:50:41.000 Like, that's going to be a racist thing to say. 1.00

01:50:43.000 But if you're making a point, like there's some joke, something you're specifying, then I think you can accept the joke, you know?

01:50:51.000 Also, when it comes to, like, super progressive or liberal people, there's always this mindset you're supposed to punch up.

01:50:56.000 So the minorities punching up at the white people would always be the correct thing. 1.00

01:51:00.000 Right.

01:51:01.000 It's always allowed.

01:51:02.000 Yes, yes.

01:51:03.000 A famous person.

01:51:05.000 Like, anyone can mock a famous person, but the famous person mocks a regular person. 1.00

01:51:09.000 Like, what if Kim Kardashian just went to some girl's Instagram page and started shitting on her and making YouTube videos about her feet and like, look how ugly you are, bitch. 1.00

01:51:17.000 Look at your ugly baby. 1.00

01:51:18.000 People would freak the fuck out. 1.00

01:51:19.000 But if you read the stuff that women write to her, they use their own Facebook profile. 1.00

01:51:24.000 They feel totally free to do this.

01:51:26.000 They're not worried at all.

01:51:27.000 Ruthless.

01:51:27.000 Oh my god!

01:51:28.000 Just go to the mentions.

01:51:29.000 The mentions under a Kim Kardashian tweet.

01:51:32.000 Any tweet.

01:51:33.000 It's brutal.

01:51:34.000 The Instagram.

01:51:35.000 There was an Instagram of her with her daughter, but she had cropped her daughter's face out.

01:51:39.000 It was just her holding her daughter. 1.00

01:51:41.000 And the fucking hate. 1.00

01:51:42.000 The people that just hated on her. 1.00

01:51:44.000 LOL, thank you for giving me another reason to hate your fucking retarded stupid ass. 1.00

01:51:49.000 Like, just saying evil shit. 1.00

01:51:51.000 Why'd you crop your daughter out, you fucking skanky bitch? 1.00

01:51:53.000 And all this crazy shit. 1.00

01:51:55.000 It would be great, by the way, if she started making videos, making fun of people. 0.99

01:51:59.000 Just find someone, focus on one of those girls who said that one thing, and just open up on her.

01:52:05.000 Page is about it, yeah.

01:52:06.000 Just open up on her.

01:52:06.000 Start a Facebook page?

01:52:07.000 Yeah.

01:52:08.000 And we pull up into her mansion in her Bentley and go, come on inside, I want to show you one of my favorite people on the internet.

01:52:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:14.000 And go to this girl and start fucking shitting on her. 1.00

01:52:16.000 It'd be hilarious. 1.00

01:52:16.000 People would go crazy. 1.00

01:52:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:18.000 People that would never defend her in a million years would go crazy if she attacks Yeah, she's just like, Amanda 811, I'm going to make a special video just about you, you stupid bitch. 1.00

01:52:29.000 And then just slayed her. 1.00

01:52:31.000 Oh my god, public support. 0.99

01:52:32.000 But she's supposed to eat it. 0.54

01:52:34.000 She's supposed to eat it and say nothing because she's famous. 0.83

01:52:37.000 And she's thought to be privileged.

01:52:39.000 Do you respond?

01:52:40.000 Do you have any reaction anymore to hatred?

01:52:43.000 Oh, it's not worth it most of the time.

01:52:45.000 I just block them.

01:52:46.000 Just block them?

01:52:47.000 Ignore them or block them depending on how egregious it is.

01:52:50.000 It was just...

01:52:50.000 Super, like sometimes you go to someone's Twitter page and it's like all they've been doing for the last year is hating on you.

01:52:56.000 And you don't even know it until now.

01:52:58.000 I almost feel like, I have this feeling where like, part of me goes, you know, I think they want the block.

01:53:05.000 So they can say they can, I got blocked.

01:53:07.000 So I just, I go, just no response is the best.

01:53:11.000 Like you don't even exist.

01:53:12.000 Yeah, but then they'll interact with you again.

01:53:15.000 Like you could...

01:53:15.000 I get it, but if you don't respond at all, it's just a one-way interaction.

01:53:18.000 That's what it is most of the time.

01:53:20.000 I mean, I definitely don't respond.

01:53:22.000 If I do respond, someone might think something incorrectly.

01:53:26.000 They might be upset at me for something that's like, maybe they got wrong.

01:53:29.000 Maybe I'll respond if I feel like I'm going to get there. 0.92

01:53:32.000 But if they're shitty and insulting, why would I bother? 0.62

01:53:34.000 You choose who you communicate with. 0.95

01:53:36.000 I'm not shitty and insulting to you.

01:53:38.000 If you come out of the gate, like me personally, even if I say something that you disagree with, If you just start insulting me like right off the bat, well, we're not communicating because I don't even know you.

01:53:48.000 You might have a point. 0.99

01:53:49.000 I might listen to that point if you weren't a cunt. 1.00

01:53:52.000 But if you just come right at me with that, why bother? 1.00

01:53:55.000 There's plenty of people in this world.

01:53:56.000 It's game over.

01:53:57.000 There's a lot of people.

01:53:58.000 There's no need to like...

01:53:59.000 There's great criticism that you can get from people that are thinking, thoughtful people.

01:54:04.000 It helps you form opinions.

01:54:06.000 There's a lot of smart people that you don't know.

01:54:08.000 You haven't met them.

01:54:08.000 They have a different point of view.

01:54:09.000 It's great.

01:54:10.000 It's one of the beautiful things about the internet. 0.99

01:54:12.000 But the cunts, just don't bother. 1.00

01:54:14.000 There's not enough time. 0.99

01:54:15.000 There's not enough time.

01:54:16.000 I agree.

01:54:16.000 You just can't.

01:54:17.000 But that's something you learn.

01:54:18.000 You learn from...

01:54:20.000 I had this guy John Wayne Parr on.

01:54:22.000 The other day, he's a multiple-time world Muay Thai champion, like a super tough guy. 0.99

01:54:26.000 You would think, this is the kind of guy who doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

01:54:29.000 He's like texting me. 1.00

01:54:30.000 He's like, God, all these fucking assholes on Twitter and YouTube. 1.00

01:54:33.000 Like, it's funny. 1.00

01:54:34.000 Just people being mean, talking shit about him. 1.00

01:54:37.000 Well, somebody like that probably does, like, as a comedian, you're used to rejection more, especially with the way that social media developed, you know, like, YouTube and Netflix, there's a forum for people to go, like, you suck. 0.99

01:54:53.000 So after a while, when you see those, they don't affect you as much.

01:54:59.000 You build up a bit of a tolerance to it. 1.00

01:55:02.000 But I bet somebody that comes on your show that maybe is accomplished and well-known, but maybe doesn't have a big social media presence, when they first get those, you're the fucking dumbest person ever, tweet or text, they're like, what the fuck? 0.95

01:55:14.000 You know, the biggest one was, well, he was a pretty big, John is a big one, because first of all, John Wayne Park, although he's a multiple-time world Muay Thai champion, he's a really sweet guy. 0.96

01:55:24.000 Sure.

01:55:24.000 Like, super nice, and he would never be like that.

01:55:27.000 He would never, like, think of, like, insulting someone like that. 0.99

01:55:29.000 So when someone does it to him, he's like, fuck, what's going on? 1.00

01:55:32.000 Fuck, where's this coming from? 1.00

01:55:33.000 But they don't get that experience, that weird public eye experience that you get when you hit them with 1.5 million Twitter followers. 1.00

01:55:43.000 You tweet something like that, and they feel that wave of people, and a certain amount of them are just going to be shitheads. 0.98

01:55:50.000 For sure. 0.99

01:55:50.000 If you have 100,000 people view a tweet, which is very possible when you've got 1.5 million Twitter followers, 100,000 people looking at a tweet, man, you're going to get a few hundred complete fuckheads. 0.99

01:56:01.000 You're just gonna. 0.97

01:56:02.000 It's just like you pull a net, you're going to get a certain type of fish.

01:56:05.000 If you drag a net across a mile of ocean, you're going to get a cross-section of all the fish that are in the ocean. 0.99

01:56:11.000 You're going to get assholes. 0.99

01:56:15.000 True. 1.00

01:56:16.000 But just don't interact with them.

01:56:18.000 There's no point.

01:56:19.000 And if you're that person, if your person is just lashing out at someone like that and insulting, unless it's funny.

01:56:25.000 Some people are pretty funny.

01:56:26.000 If they're funny, they get a pass.

01:56:28.000 If you're funny, you get a pass.

01:56:29.000 If you're doing it to be funny.

01:56:30.000 If you're just raging, you always know that it's never about what they're screaming about.

01:56:36.000 There's something else going on in that person's life to put that kind of energy into just spewing venom at people, you know?

01:56:43.000 Well, it's ineffective, first of all.

01:56:45.000 It might be effective.

01:56:46.000 You might think it's effective. 1.00

01:56:47.000 You see someone on the top of a pedestal, like Kim Kardashian, like that fucking bitch in her Gucci underwear. 1.00

01:56:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:56:52.000 And you want to attack her. 1.00

01:56:54.000 But she's still her.

01:56:55.000 Yeah.

01:56:55.000 She's still her.

01:56:56.000 You're still you.

01:56:57.000 And all that energy you spent hating on someone who doesn't even know you're alive could have been spent on improving your own life.

01:57:02.000 Right.

01:57:02.000 And you don't feel better.

01:57:04.000 You never feel better.

01:57:05.000 You don't.

01:57:05.000 Could feel better if it was funny, though.

01:57:06.000 If it was funny. 1.00

01:57:08.000 But if you're just like, if I hate you, bitch, you stupid cunt, all that stuff is like... 1.00

01:57:12.000 Well, it's just people that don't understand what's going on. 1.00

01:57:15.000 And one day, all that shit is going to come out. 0.99

01:57:18.000 Like, there's going to come a point in time where you're not going to be able to do that. 0.99

01:57:21.000 It's not going to be as easy as just, like, attacking someone anonymously.

01:57:25.000 You're going to be exposed for, like, the stuff that you write or who you are, what your presence is, you know? 0.55

01:57:32.000 The weird thing is like kids today, they're also going to be responsible for things, you know, like maybe if a kid today is 21 and they got some crazy Instagram page and they're going fucking buck wild. 0.79

01:57:42.000 And then one day they're 27, 28 and they have a respectable job and they've got their shit together and they've moved on with their life. 0.99

01:57:48.000 But there's some fucking internet, man. 0.99

01:57:50.000 These Instagram pictures are still out. 0.99

01:57:52.000 It happens now.

01:57:53.000 Why do you have underwear on your head, man?

01:57:54.000 Yeah.

01:57:54.000 You're going to be the CEO of this company.

01:57:56.000 You've got a picture.

01:57:57.000 You're drunk.

01:57:57.000 You have underwear over your head.

01:57:59.000 Is your friend blowing you, or is he pretending to blow you? 0.97

01:58:01.000 He's pretending to blow you.

01:58:02.000 The photos are less of an issue for people than the comments. 1.00

01:58:06.000 Like, if you write some shit... 1.00

01:58:07.000 Oh, if you write mean shit? 1.00

01:58:08.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:58:08.000 There's been cops that, like, have a, you know... 1.00

01:58:12.000 They have their online alias and then somebody finds out and they're like, look what this guy's been commenting on things.

01:58:16.000 And then that's it.

01:58:17.000 You're done.

01:58:18.000 Did you see the guy who has zero criminal record and he's facing a potential life imprisonment for flashing gang signs?

01:58:27.000 On social media.

01:58:29.000 Pull that up, Jamie.

01:58:30.000 No.

01:58:30.000 Yeah.

01:58:31.000 It is fucking bizarre. 0.98

01:58:34.000 Like, 2015 in America, there is a guy with no criminal record. 0.99

01:58:39.000 Nothing.

01:58:40.000 He hasn't done anything.

01:58:41.000 They arrest him for throwing gang signs up.

01:58:44.000 What?

01:58:44.000 Because they say that he's affiliated with some gang.

01:58:47.000 I feel like...

01:58:50.000 Look at this.

01:58:51.000 San Diego man with no criminal record faces life in prison for flashing gang signs on Facebook.

01:58:58.000 How old is this gentleman, first of all?

01:59:00.000 Let's look at that right there.

01:59:06.000 Harvey and the rapper.

01:59:07.000 His name is Aaron Harvey.

01:59:09.000 And 14 other men, including rapper Tiny Do, were charged under an obscure California law, accusing them of conspiring with gang members who shot nine people in 2013 to early 2014. What the fuck? 0.99

01:59:23.000 Find out how old that gentleman is. 1.00

01:59:25.000 I mean, you're hanging out with your friends, and they're throwing gang signs.

01:59:28.000 You don't want to get beat up.

01:59:29.000 You might throw a gang sign up, too, for Facebook. 0.99

01:59:32.000 That's completely ridiculous, man. 0.89

01:59:33.000 What is the video down there? 0.98

01:59:35.000 What does that say?

01:59:38.000 Let's hear what he says.

01:59:40.000 A real-life experience on how police stops happen in my community.

01:59:46.000 Me and my family have been living in the Southeast community.

01:59:56.000 I've had multiple jobs, no criminal record, but the police continuously stop us.

02:00:03.000 And it's not specifically on driving.

02:00:06.000 I understand you guys have the numbers on driving.

02:00:08.000 The majority of stops happen when people are either in front of their parents' house or friends' house or while walking.

02:00:14.000 So I believe I've been stopped just off the top of my head since I was 14, I'm 26 now, over 50-something times.

02:00:21.000 That's crazy.

02:00:22.000 Again, I do not have a criminal record.

02:00:23.000 I believe only one citation was ever given.

02:00:26.000 He said I did turn on my blinker within 100 feet of turning.

02:00:34.000 One of these stops was in front of my grandmother's house.

02:00:38.000 Police officer drives by, he waves, I wave back.

02:00:41.000 Not doing anything.

02:00:42.000 I'm on my property.

02:00:44.000 He pulls up.

02:00:45.000 Immediately, I'm put in handcuffs.

02:00:47.000 I don't know why.

02:00:48.000 I'm asking why.

02:00:49.000 You know why.

02:00:50.000 Why are you guys on my property?

02:00:51.000 He tells me.

02:00:53.000 If the mailman can come on your property without permission, so can we.

02:00:57.000 They go on my wallet.

02:00:58.000 They find that I'm a trained emergency medical technician.

02:01:02.000 The sergeant tells me, oh, wow.

02:01:05.000 No.

02:01:07.000 You're working too close to us.

02:01:11.000 We're going to have to do something about this.

02:01:13.000 Immediately, I moved to the state of Las Vegas.

02:01:15.000 I'm in fear.

02:01:17.000 And our community is living in fear of the police because of these things.

02:01:20.000 And because of these numerous stops of no crimes being committed, just mere stops of being in front of my grandmother's house, my parents' house, or just hanging out, the police are falsely documented as a gang member.

02:01:34.000 And because I'm documented as a gang member through the San Diego Police Department, Now I'm liable or eligible of this Proposition 21, Penal Code 182.5.

02:01:47.000 And right now I'm facing life in prison with no knowledge of these crimes being committed or anything.

02:01:55.000 So I believe the problem is the profile.

02:02:00.000 And when you're pulled over while driving, the police will say, well, why am I being pulled over?

02:02:06.000 Well, I'll tell you in a minute.

02:02:08.000 But get out the car.

02:02:10.000 Well, there you go.

02:02:11.000 I think I believe him.

02:02:13.000 And I think you need to use his voice for Tom or Black.

02:02:17.000 I think this would be a good one for you.

02:02:19.000 Wow.

02:02:20.000 Did you see... 0.93

02:02:21.000 There goes all my black jokes now. 0.94

02:02:23.000 Thanks for depressing us.

02:02:25.000 Did you see the Department of Justice report on Ferguson?

02:02:29.000 What is that?

02:02:30.000 Oh, dude, you gotta see this.

02:02:32.000 Really?

02:02:32.000 Pull it up.

02:02:33.000 After the Michael Brown shooting and there was no indictment of police officer Darren Wilson, the Attorney General went down and said, we're going to investigate what happened.

02:02:44.000 It's going to take a little while.

02:02:45.000 So they have a Department of Justice investigate it, and they found just so much racism in that department.

02:02:52.000 The stats are alarming.

02:02:55.000 It's like 67% of the population is black, but...

02:03:00.000 Arrests 88% of the time are black and the comparison to the white stats it's it's it's Statistically, it's one of the most damning reports you'll ever see does it take into account white people just being awesome it doesn't but I like Smiles it takes into how awesome our smiles are but then like But there's less contrast with our teeth, 0.67

02:03:21.000 so they're not as dramatic.

02:03:22.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:03:23.000 We don't get enough credit for our smiles and our eyes.

02:03:28.000 Dude, like, how often black people were arrested there?

02:03:33.000 Hold on, look at this.

02:03:34.000 Its report detailed how Ferguson operated a vertically integrated system from street cop to court clerk to judge to city administrator to city council to raise revenue for the city budget through increased ticketing and fining.

02:03:47.000 Whoa.

02:03:47.000 But, dude, the stats are the craziest.

02:03:51.000 Like, all the fucking arrests, or black people were at such a disproportionate disadvantage as far as how often they were arrested when they were not doing anything and no contraband. 1.00

02:04:07.000 Walking down the street, like that guy said, versus a white person. 1.00

02:04:12.000 It's not even comparable.

02:04:14.000 Really?

02:04:14.000 How often force was used, like 10 to 1, black to white.

02:04:19.000 It's crazy stats.

02:04:21.000 Jesus. 0.97

02:04:21.000 Every time a dog has bitten a person in Ferguson since the report was put together, 100% black. 0.97

02:04:31.000 It's just so blatant. 0.98

02:04:33.000 To be fair, the whole town is pretty much black, though.

02:04:37.000 Well, I think they said it was 67%, right?

02:04:40.000 Well, there's a good New York Post report on it where they pretty much went through it and pretty much said, that's why this is this.

02:04:48.000 It's not as racist as you think.

02:04:50.000 Well, you know what?

02:04:50.000 Quit crying then.

02:04:54.000 I mean, I'm sure it is, but...

02:04:57.000 Well, we've talked about this 100 times before.

02:04:59.000 If you're in a bad neighborhood, you grew up in a bad neighborhood, you have families that have been involved in crime...

02:05:05.000 It's a system that you're stuck in.

02:05:08.000 Whether it's some sort of grand conspiracy, which some people claim, or just some inescapable sort of momentous thing, where you got momentum on your side, or against you, rather.

02:05:20.000 You know, momentum of your family, your neighborhood, the kids you grew up with, all these people involved in crime.

02:05:26.000 That momentum is very, very difficult to break.

02:05:30.000 It's very difficult to get a fresh start. 0.98

02:05:32.000 So thinking that anyone who grows up in those environments should have to behave exactly the same way without any consideration for how they've been developed and grown up In comparison to a guy like Tommy Buns who had it light walking around in Florida with fucking shorts on. 0.98

02:05:49.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

02:05:50.000 Sandals, too.

02:05:51.000 Did you?

02:05:52.000 Sometimes.

02:05:52.000 Let those feet fly.

02:05:53.000 Do you want to hear some of these stats?

02:05:55.000 Sure.

02:05:55.000 They're pretty crazy.

02:05:56.000 All right. 0.99

02:05:56.000 Despite making up 67% of the population, African Americans accounted for 85% of traffic stops, 90% of citations. 0.99

02:06:04.000 So that goes back to the money thing.

02:06:06.000 And 93% of Ferguson Police Department arrests from 2012 to 2014. 93?

02:06:13.000 They probably have to occasionally arrest a white person just for a goof. 0.50

02:06:17.000 Of African Americans, 2.07 times more likely to be searched during a vehicular stop, but are 26% less likely to have counterbind found on them.

02:06:27.000 Look at this.

02:06:28.000 The statistics don't prove racism because blacks don't commit traffic offenses at the same rate as other population groups. 0.98

02:06:36.000 It's pretty insane. 0.99

02:06:37.000 What they're trying to say, that's a really nice way of saying black people cause more crime. 1.00

02:06:41.000 That's what they're saying. 0.99

02:06:42.000 What they're saying, it doesn't prove racism because black people just cause more crime. 1.00

02:06:46.000 That's what they're saying. 0.99

02:06:47.000 Blacks are 31% more likely than whites to be pulled over for a traffic stop. 0.93

02:06:53.000 Nationwide. 0.99

02:06:54.000 Nationwide.

02:06:55.000 That's pretty incredible. 0.70

02:06:56.000 So Ferguson being a black majority town, if its blacks are pulled over at the same rate as blacks nationally, they'd account for 87.5% of traffic stops. 0.57

02:07:03.000 So it's racist even by that standard. 0.69

02:07:06.000 This one's pretty amazing.

02:07:08.000 African Americans account for 95% of manner of walking charges. 1.00

02:07:13.000 Manner of walking?

02:07:15.000 Hold on.

02:07:16.000 There's a manner of walking charge?

02:07:19.000 94% of all fail-to-comply charges, 92% of resisting arrest, 92% of peace disturbance, and 89% of failure to obey.

02:07:30.000 What about pimp strutting?

02:07:31.000 99.9%.

02:07:33.000 Is that really a law?

02:07:34.000 You're not allowed to walk a certain way?

02:07:35.000 Manner of walking.

02:07:36.000 Manner of walking?

02:07:37.000 What does that mean?

02:07:37.000 I think that falls into that jaywalking stuff, like all that stuff.

02:07:40.000 Boy, come on, manner of walking.

02:07:42.000 You're calling something manner of walking?

02:07:44.000 I don't like the way you lean to the left. 0.97

02:07:46.000 How about you be a little more fucking specific? 0.97

02:07:49.000 Manner of walking charges? 0.99

02:07:50.000 That's pretty crazy.

02:07:52.000 Jamie, Google manner of walking charges.

02:07:54.000 Tell us what manner of walking charges entail. 0.99

02:07:58.000 Even jaywalking is fucking goofy. 0.97

02:08:00.000 It's not real. 0.99

02:08:02.000 They bag people in Hollywood for jaywalking all the time.

02:08:04.000 I've seen it.

02:08:05.000 People across Sunset, they're trying to keep people from dying. 0.99

02:08:09.000 All these texting assholes out here, they're already going up on sidewalks. 0.99

02:08:11.000 They are, yeah. 1.00

02:08:13.000 You know what they could do?

02:08:14.000 They could just send Suge around and make sure people don't jaywalk. 0.93

02:08:17.000 I don't think he's around right now.

02:08:18.000 I think he's busy in jail.

02:08:19.000 He's pretty busy. 0.99

02:08:21.000 After that video, he's pretty fucked though, right? 0.99

02:08:24.000 Wouldn't you assume? 1.00

02:08:24.000 Yeah, that's pretty bad. 1.00

02:08:25.000 But maybe not, if they could prove that guy had a gun.

02:08:29.000 Yeah, it'd be funny if they pull one of the gas pedals.

02:08:33.000 There's a thing.

02:08:34.000 I don't think you're saying that.

02:08:35.000 No, I know.

02:08:36.000 He said he really didn't know he was running a lot.

02:08:37.000 He said he was in fear of his life, right?

02:08:39.000 Yeah, he might have been.

02:08:41.000 Yeah, I don't know, man.

02:08:42.000 I think that's probably going to...

02:08:44.000 Now, if Robert Durst had been driving that truck...

02:08:47.000 That'd be something else. 0.95

02:09:08.000 How about black people? 0.92

02:09:09.000 Okay, they're not blacks. 0.94

02:09:11.000 They're black people.

02:09:12.000 African Americans accounted for 95% of manner of walking along roadway charges from 2011 to 2013. 95%.

02:09:21.000 Wow.

02:09:23.000 And that's nationwide?

02:09:24.000 No, this is Ferguson.

02:09:26.000 We called it walking black. 0.97

02:09:28.000 Walking black.

02:09:29.000 You would leave out of your house to go to the store and you might not make it back. 0.98

02:09:33.000 Wow. 1.00

02:09:34.000 What a fucked up place. 1.00

02:09:36.000 They stalk you and stop you, he said. 1.00

02:09:38.000 They will say, hey, what's your name?

02:09:40.000 Got any warrants?

02:09:41.000 Why are you strolling through the neighborhood?

02:09:43.000 Come here.

02:09:44.000 You look suspicious. 1.00

02:09:45.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

02:09:46.000 See, that is just crazy. 1.00

02:09:49.000 And that they actually somehow or another, that fuels the system.

02:09:53.000 And that by fining people and arresting people and all that, it somehow or another fuels the system.

02:09:58.000 I mean, that's really a style of slavery.

02:10:01.000 Well, yeah, these stats, I mean, I think they probably have to feel...

02:10:03.000 Black people in Ferguson probably feel really validated after all the marching and then people being like...

02:10:10.000 Because, you know, people were like, come on! 0.99

02:10:12.000 This is ridiculous. 0.97

02:10:13.000 We're just whining. 0.98

02:10:14.000 This is not whining.

02:10:15.000 No.

02:10:15.000 94% of all failure-to-comply charges were filed against blacks.

02:10:20.000 The whole thing of walking down the road and people pull up and start asking questions like that. 1.00

02:10:25.000 Unless you're doing something wrong, leave me the fuck alone. 0.98

02:10:28.000 Of course. 0.99

02:10:28.000 That's what America's all about. 0.99

02:10:29.000 Well, that's the thing is that we do get left alone.

02:10:31.000 Yeah, we do get left alone, and that's what it should be.

02:10:34.000 Right.

02:10:35.000 That happened to me the other day, though.

02:10:36.000 Look at you.

02:10:37.000 I was on my own property. 0.99

02:10:38.000 You got that thug kind of look at you. 0.97

02:10:39.000 Look at you, dude.

02:10:40.000 What happened?

02:10:41.000 Are you sagging?

02:10:42.000 Police just came up.

02:10:44.000 I was getting out of my car.

02:10:45.000 Really?

02:10:46.000 And the cop's like, what are you doing, man?

02:10:48.000 I'm like, going into my house.

02:10:50.000 I had my book bag.

02:10:51.000 And he goes, let me see your ID. I'm like, why are you at my house right now?

02:10:55.000 And he made me show him his license and stuff.

02:10:59.000 And he's just like, you just look weird, man.

02:11:01.000 You have a book bag.

02:11:02.000 You're going into your house.

02:11:03.000 You're not two in the morning. 0.98

02:11:05.000 Why is that so fucking bizarre? 0.98

02:11:05.000 And I filmed the whole thing. 0.98

02:11:07.000 I just took out my phone and just go, why are you making it?

02:11:10.000 This is like months ago.

02:11:11.000 Did you read it?

02:11:12.000 No, it's at home.

02:11:13.000 I can find it for you.

02:11:14.000 I just don't want to start a fight with...

02:11:17.000 Glendale Burton.

02:11:18.000 I asked Ari, and I have to ask you, is it okay if I upload the video of you two arguing about American Sniper?

02:11:23.000 Yeah, of course.

02:11:24.000 Of course.

02:11:25.000 I just don't want to be rude.

02:11:27.000 Oh, no, that's nice of you.

02:11:28.000 Yeah, no.

02:11:28.000 Good for you, but not good for Ari.

02:11:30.000 America is going to be very upset at his lack of patriotism and his hate for the hero.

02:11:34.000 Look, let's just put it this way, guys.

02:11:37.000 Here's the truth.

02:11:39.000 Shroomfest has side effects.

02:11:44.000 And good ol' Ari.

02:11:46.000 I'll do my impression of Ari. 1.00

02:11:47.000 It's a fucking terrible movie! 1.00

02:11:49.000 This is a fake baby! 1.00

02:11:51.000 They go, you know, he says, they're going to war.

02:11:54.000 And they're like, oh, let's go to war.

02:11:56.000 My favorite...

02:11:57.000 That's entirely safe!

02:11:59.000 They go, let's go to war. 0.95

02:12:00.000 I'll play it, man.

02:12:00.000 What are you talking about?

02:12:01.000 And then he goes, yeah, Bradley Cooper did a good impression of the guy. 1.00

02:12:08.000 I'm like, well, that's the fucking gig, asshole. 0.99

02:12:11.000 Like, if you're an actor, it's like, can you do a good impression? 1.00

02:12:13.000 Like, he's like...

02:12:15.000 The fact that they didn't show him getting shot was actually a good choice.

02:12:21.000 Two hour and 17 minute movie, and then at the end, they're like, he was killed that day in writing? 1.00

02:12:25.000 Listen, you communist fuck... 1.00

02:12:29.000 They show four tours of duty. 1.00

02:12:31.000 They show his whole 40-minute training thing for no reason.

02:12:35.000 He's training for 40 minutes in the movie.

02:12:37.000 What do you mean for no reason?

02:12:37.000 Training?

02:12:38.000 Because you're seeing how hard it is to become a SEAL. You mean no reason?

02:12:42.000 That's a different story.

02:12:43.000 It's a different story.

02:12:44.000 It's his story.

02:12:45.000 It's a character study.

02:12:46.000 He didn't feel it at all.

02:12:48.000 There was not a moment where I was lost in it.

02:12:50.000 I was like, wow, you're really feeling tough being back home now.

02:12:52.000 All contrived.

02:12:53.000 You see him breaking down.

02:12:55.000 He has PTSD. Hey!

02:12:57.000 But Paul, he was defending me.

02:12:58.000 Is that true, son?

02:12:59.000 Yeah, because you have a black eye, obviously.

02:13:02.000 That's beautiful.

02:13:06.000 Of course.

02:13:07.000 Please.

02:13:08.000 It was so fun to be there, dude.

02:13:10.000 That was a fun night.

02:13:11.000 I really enjoyed it.

02:13:12.000 I think that night, yeah, that night, by the way, that was you?

02:13:18.000 Miss Pat.

02:13:19.000 Miss Pat was hanging, but she was hanging, which was cool.

02:13:22.000 But on stage, Joey Burr Ari and myself.

02:13:25.000 That was one of the most fun lineups I've ever been a part of. 1.00

02:13:28.000 That shit was murderous. 1.00

02:13:29.000 That was pretty crazy. 1.00

02:13:30.000 That was murderous.

02:13:30.000 That place was worn to the ground by the time the people left out of there, they were like wiping their forehead.

02:13:36.000 And people were doing like fucking 25 minute sets or longer. 0.97

02:13:38.000 Yeah, everybody did 25 minutes. 0.99

02:13:39.000 It was pretty crazy.

02:13:40.000 It was a long show.

02:13:41.000 It was chaos, man.

02:13:42.000 They're beautiful.

02:13:44.000 The place is the best.

02:13:45.000 And we're on Ari's show.

02:13:46.000 This Thursday night.

02:13:47.000 This Thursday.

02:13:48.000 You and I are on the same episode.

02:13:49.000 Yay! 0.99

02:13:50.000 And Crisella Alonzo, we each tell a story on Ari Shafir's This Is Not Happening.

02:13:56.000 12.30 a.m.

02:13:58.000 Thursday night.

02:13:59.000 Don't look for it Wednesday at 12.30 a.m. 1.00

02:14:03.000 Don't be an asshole. 1.00

02:14:03.000 You know what I'm talking about. 1.00

02:14:04.000 You're up on Thursday.

02:14:05.000 You stay up.

02:14:06.000 Figure out clocks.

02:14:06.000 It becomes 12.30 Yeah, it's technically Friday.

02:14:10.000 You should shut the fuck up and understand how America works. 0.99

02:14:13.000 It's 1230 a.m. 1.00

02:14:15.000 I'm awake, bitch. 0.99

02:14:16.000 It's 4 o'clock in the morning. 0.99

02:14:16.000 It's not 4 o'clock in the morning the next day. 0.99

02:14:19.000 4 o'clock in the morning, Saturday night.

02:14:20.000 You know why it's Saturday night?

02:14:21.000 Because I'm still out.

02:14:22.000 I'm out, man.

02:14:23.000 Okay?

02:14:23.000 I'm out.

02:14:24.000 This is fucking Saturday night. 0.99

02:14:25.000 This is midday for me, buddy. 0.99

02:14:26.000 Yeah, that's Thursday night.

02:14:28.000 I don't know if I'll...

02:14:29.000 I haven't seen it, so I'm excited to see whether I did that taping for this episode the day...

02:14:38.000 I got back from Hong Kong for like the night so I am on like I fell asleep in the green room there sitting up and somebody was like hey man and I stood up and I started to like I was so jet-lagged crazy but I still had a blast it was you know those crowds are amazing yeah and his new special which is not as new special that's his last special airs this Friday night too that's What's that one called?

02:15:05.000 That's called Passive Aggressive.

02:15:07.000 Passive Aggressive.

02:15:07.000 Passive Aggressive airs Friday.

02:15:09.000 You could still get his other special, which is fucking awesome, which is called Paid Regular, which you could get that one on Comedy Central Direct.

02:15:17.000 It airs occasionally. 0.63

02:15:19.000 You know, they replay those things sometimes. 1.00

02:15:21.000 So check your local listings, you fucks. 0.99

02:15:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:15:24.000 Fuck faces. 1.00

02:15:25.000 Cunts. 1.00

02:15:27.000 Ari's ballin', out of control. 1.00

02:15:29.000 I had him on yesterday.

02:15:30.000 He's so confident now, it's hilarious.

02:15:32.000 It's great, huh?

02:15:32.000 Yeah, he's a different guy.

02:15:34.000 It's so weird.

02:15:34.000 I was going up that hill where Pink Dot is, and he has that billboard that's right of it.

02:15:39.000 But, like, I was in traffic, and I'm just, like, looking up, and suddenly you see just Ari's eyes poke up from the hill when you're driving up that hill.

02:15:46.000 Mm-hmm.

02:15:47.000 You just see Ari's face on sunset. 0.94

02:15:50.000 It's crazy.

02:15:50.000 So he's super confident now, huh?

02:15:52.000 He's balling out of control. 1.00

02:15:53.000 Yeah, he was on the podcast yesterday shitting on Howard Stern, telling him and Clint Eastwood to go suck their old old man dicks. 1.00

02:15:59.000 Suck each other off. 1.00

02:16:00.000 Howard just did it again. 0.99

02:16:02.000 He just bashed his podcast almost every episode now.

02:16:05.000 Does he?

02:16:06.000 He's like, I had a podcast when I was six years old!

02:16:08.000 And I was like, yeah, it's called You Had a Tape Recorder. 0.97

02:16:10.000 Howard, chill the fuck out. 0.89

02:16:11.000 Well, Brian's upset, too. 0.95

02:16:13.000 Wow.

02:16:13.000 I don't have any problem with him saying that, because it doesn't make any sense, and I feel like he's baiting people to talk about them.

02:16:19.000 This was his genius play that people didn't know how he dominated radio, was that when he was introduced to a market, the first thing he did was shit on the number one local show. 0.99

02:16:30.000 Like, he would shit on that show. 0.99

02:16:32.000 And then the people that listened to that show would find out. 1.00

02:16:35.000 They would end up checking out his show.

02:16:37.000 He baits people this way.

02:16:40.000 I think almost everything he does is...

02:16:42.000 What's that?

02:16:42.000 Do you think this, though, is that?

02:16:43.000 Or do you think this is just him and an old man being out of touch?

02:16:45.000 I think you could say that part of it... 1.00

02:16:47.000 I think part of it maybe genuinely is like, that's stupid. 0.99

02:16:50.000 The other part is he knows that podcasts are getting big. 0.98

02:16:52.000 Make fun of podcasts.

02:16:54.000 Make them come listen to the show.

02:16:55.000 It's not like... 1.00

02:16:56.000 The guy's a brilliant fucking guy. 0.99

02:16:58.000 Exactly! 1.00

02:16:58.000 That's what I've been saying. 1.00

02:16:59.000 Give me some knuckles, dog. 1.00

02:17:00.000 I bet I'll like fucking American Sniper when I see it, too. 1.00

02:17:02.000 Ew. 1.00

02:17:03.000 For sure.

02:17:04.000 You're not going to like that movie.

02:17:05.000 No?

02:17:06.000 Why?

02:17:06.000 I haven't seen it, but everyone tells me it's like the shittiest movie ever.

02:17:09.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

02:17:11.000 Not everyone. 0.99

02:17:11.000 I've talked to quite a few people that liked it. 0.99

02:17:13.000 It's not the shittiest movie ever.

02:17:15.000 I don't understand.

02:17:16.000 We should go see it.

02:17:17.000 Have you seen it?

02:17:17.000 I will see it.

02:17:18.000 We'll go see it together.

02:17:18.000 We'll see it together.

02:17:19.000 We'll see it together and we'll make a report.

02:17:21.000 Okay, it's, you know, I can see...

02:17:22.000 We'll see it together before, and we'll do a podcast at night.

02:17:24.000 We'll see it during the day, and we'll come in here.

02:17:26.000 I definitely can see, you know, people saying, I like this movie.

02:17:28.000 For any movie, right?

02:17:29.000 I like that movie.

02:17:30.000 I don't like that movie.

02:17:31.000 Sure. 1.00

02:17:31.000 Like, that it's a piece of shit? 1.00

02:17:33.000 Not a fucking chance. 1.00

02:17:34.000 If you think it's a piece of shit, you're fucking retarded. 1.00

02:17:37.000 Like, that's... 1.00

02:17:38.000 Something is wrong with you. 1.00

02:17:40.000 If you go, that's a piece of shit garbage movie. 1.00

02:17:42.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

02:17:43.000 It's a quality film. 0.98

02:17:45.000 I didn't see it.

02:17:48.000 Sniper is a quality film.

02:17:49.000 I can see you not liking different things about it.

02:17:51.000 You can be like, I'm against war, I'm against military, all that stuff, absolutely. 0.98

02:17:57.000 And you can even say, I don't like it, but to be like, that's a piece of garbage movie? 1.00

02:18:01.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

02:18:02.000 What do you think was better, that or Lone Survivor? 0.87

02:18:03.000 I didn't see either one of them.

02:18:06.000 I think Lone Survivor was pretty fucking fantastically done as far as the battles.

02:18:14.000 Yeah.

02:18:15.000 Which is basically the whole film.

02:18:18.000 It's a really good movie.

02:18:19.000 And that surprised the shit out of me. 0.95

02:18:20.000 I saw it at home. 0.85

02:18:22.000 The billboard never did anything.

02:18:24.000 I was like, I don't want to see this. 0.99

02:18:25.000 I thought Lone Survivor was one of those fucking Rambo movies. 0.98

02:18:30.000 I thought Lone Survivor won against everybody. 1.00

02:18:33.000 Bullshit. 1.00

02:18:34.000 Just some fiction. 1.00

02:18:34.000 That's what I thought. 1.00

02:18:35.000 I didn't look into it, and it came on when I just started, and I was like, it's fucking midnight, I'll watch this. 0.94

02:18:40.000 It's really good.

02:18:41.000 It's going to be real hard for someone to make a fictional movie that really resonates about war, other than like a Hurt Locker type movie.

02:18:50.000 Right.

02:18:50.000 Where you show like some weird aberration, like this dude who wants to keep going back.

02:18:55.000 Yeah.

02:18:56.000 And uncork bombs.

02:18:57.000 I mean, my argument with Art, which you'll see, we argue too about how Cooper did, as far as portraying the role.

02:19:03.000 I think he did a great job.

02:19:05.000 I mean, I thought there's a lot of layers to his performance, and you see somebody suffer from PTSD in the film as effectively as you could show it.

02:19:13.000 I thought he did a great job.

02:19:15.000 Did you like Zero Dark Thirty?

02:19:17.000 Yeah, I liked that. 0.99

02:19:18.000 I liked it, but what I didn't like is the bullshit. 0.96

02:19:20.000 I didn't like the fact that they had created this woman who was the architect of this thing, and then I found out that she didn't exist. 1.00

02:19:27.000 I went, what?

02:19:28.000 What?

02:19:28.000 I thought that she did exist.

02:19:29.000 That's not what I heard.

02:19:30.000 Really?

02:19:31.000 Yeah.

02:19:31.000 That the woman that was locked onto the messenger?

02:19:35.000 No, I heard that that was a plot piece.

02:19:38.000 Pull that up, Jamie.

02:19:39.000 Make sure I'm correct.

02:19:41.000 Because I'm getting it from a ranting army ranger.

02:19:45.000 Who had a few beers in him.

02:19:46.000 Oh, really?

02:19:47.000 Yeah.

02:19:48.000 It's funny. 0.99

02:19:49.000 He was explaining to me what was bullshit about it, how it was bullshit that they would never listen to her. 1.00

02:19:53.000 Like, this whole thing is ridiculous. 1.00

02:19:55.000 Like, the way they portrayed everybody was ridiculous. 0.95

02:19:57.000 Then there's the story, which is very different.

02:19:59.000 The story that the guy wrote That was there, the guy who apparently was there on the raid who wrote, which differs from other people's versions of the event.

02:20:09.000 Yeah.

02:20:10.000 It makes you wonder, man. 0.96

02:20:11.000 I wonder how much of these guys, you know, because the Chris Kyle thing had come under fire from a lot of people because he apparently lied about a lot of shit in his book. 0.99

02:20:18.000 He made up some shit, for sure. 0.99

02:20:19.000 He made up a lot of shit in his book. 1.00

02:20:20.000 And you got to wonder how much these guys are involved in this insanely risky endeavor, right? 1.00

02:20:27.000 You're a fucking special ops soldier. 1.00

02:20:29.000 You're out there doing nutty shit in the middle of the night with night vision, shooting people, fucking high, high, high risk. 1.00

02:20:35.000 And, you know, when they realize, like, this is not going to pay off financially. 1.00

02:20:39.000 The only way to do it is just fucking let's juice this story up. 0.82

02:20:43.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:20:43.000 Let's add some stuff to this. 0.98

02:20:44.000 Let's throw some controversial shit in there that's going to guarantee that people are going to talk about it. 0.98

02:20:48.000 True. 0.99

02:20:49.000 You know?

02:20:49.000 Yeah, I mean, and like, you know, I've read the articles about things that he claimed, and I don't know if there's any- Oh, so it's a real woman?

02:20:57.000 Yeah.

02:20:57.000 So it is a real woman.

02:20:58.000 That's what I thought. 0.90

02:20:59.000 So he was talking crazy.

02:21:00.000 Okay, let's find out what wasn't true about Zero Dark Thirty.

02:21:05.000 What was incorrect about Zero Dark Thirty? 0.99

02:21:07.000 Because that's a big thing about me lately, is these fucking movies that are on real life, and they make shit up. 1.00

02:21:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:21:20.000 Because of that Foxcatcher movie, which was about this guy Mark Schultz who fought in the UFC and all sorts of bullshit in that movie.

02:21:29.000 He made a Twitter post about it yesterday asking people if they were interested in him giving a detailed account of all the inaccuracies of the movie.

02:21:38.000 He said, if people are interested in it, let me know and I'll do that.

02:21:40.000 And so people started responding to him and I retweeted it because I want to know.

02:21:43.000 Because I know a bunch of them.

02:21:45.000 Just based on who he was at the time.

02:21:47.000 Like that he was already a world champion.

02:21:49.000 That he was already one of the best wrestlers on the planet.

02:21:51.000 That he was...

02:21:53.000 The UFC wasn't even around when they had him watching the UFC in 1987. Didn't exist.

02:21:58.000 All this weird gay shit between him and that DuPont. 1.00

02:22:00.000 Not real. 1.00

02:22:01.000 No one says that. 0.98

02:22:02.000 Like, they made a bunch of shit up to try to move the story along, and it's about a guy who's really lost. 0.98

02:22:06.000 They do this to every movie, though. 0.98

02:22:08.000 Every movie that's based on a real story, there's added characters, added moments to dramatize, added stuff to pique your interest and make the story more interesting.

02:22:21.000 They should almost, at the end of films, put up a slate that just shows you everything.

02:22:27.000 Like, here are the scenes that we completely made up.

02:22:30.000 You know what I mean?

02:22:30.000 So you would walk away going, oh, okay.

02:22:33.000 Yeah.

02:22:34.000 Well, apparently there's a lot of people... 1.00

02:22:37.000 Um, that think that Zero Dark Thirty has, there's a lot of shit in it that's bullshit. 1.00

02:22:42.000 Well, yeah. 0.99

02:22:42.000 There's a whole, uh, I'm looking at several articles about the factual errors or the things that is made up about Zero Dark Thirty. 0.99

02:22:52.000 Apparently, I mean, and obviously this guy's not going to come clean about what's accurate or not, but, um, He was a CIA director at the time.

02:22:58.000 He's played by Gandolfini in Zero Dark Thirty.

02:23:04.000 I can't remember his name.

02:23:05.000 Whatever.

02:23:06.000 But he said that, because I think Gandolfini curses in the movie as him, when he's playing the part of this guy, and he goes, that's the only accurate part of that movie. 1.00

02:23:18.000 But I say fuck a lot. 0.93

02:23:20.000 Yeah, well they don't, they're not really that interested in making things accurate. 0.99

02:23:25.000 They're interested in making things accurate enough.

02:23:26.000 Compelling movie.

02:23:27.000 Yeah.

02:23:27.000 Accurate enough and then good.

02:23:29.000 And that's where these, that's why I think it's like to dramatize a true story, you have a massive obligation.

02:23:34.000 You have a massive obligation to make it interesting, but also to make it factual.

02:23:37.000 Yeah.

02:23:38.000 Because it's a true story.

02:23:38.000 A lot of people find out about certain things and they hear about them from a movie.

02:23:43.000 Yeah.

02:23:43.000 You expect like, oh, it's based on a true story.

02:23:45.000 You know, that really, this guy really did this.

02:23:47.000 And then you find out, nope, never did that.

02:23:49.000 Like the Ruben Carter hurricane movie.

02:23:51.000 You know that movie?

02:23:52.000 Yes.

02:23:52.000 Denzel.

02:23:53.000 Oprah Winfrey had the guy on the show and wow, we let him loose and it's, you know, the guy was in jail and it was all wrong.

02:23:59.000 It was against him and he could have been the champion of the world.

02:24:02.000 And then there's a cop in the movie that's always trying to get him.

02:24:05.000 That cop wasn't even real.

02:24:06.000 The cop didn't exist.

02:24:07.000 Like this one cop that's been trying to get him his whole life.

02:24:11.000 So you made a story about a real guy and his real story.

02:24:13.000 But then you added this character in there to sort of move everything along the way you think it should in a good guy, bad guy movie.

02:24:19.000 But I see, you know, in my limited experience with this, like I have a script thing that I'm working on. 0.98

02:24:26.000 Oh shit, Tommy Bunz. 0.98

02:24:27.000 When I get the notes, screenwriting. 0.99

02:24:29.000 Yeah, when you get notes from, like, producers or network people, you're like...

02:24:34.000 It's always stuff like, add something like this.

02:24:36.000 Put that...

02:24:37.000 This character should have more of somebody that challenges them this way.

02:24:41.000 And so you see...

02:24:42.000 Like, I see how you go, but isn't the meat of this...

02:24:45.000 Like, doesn't this work enough as a story?

02:24:47.000 And it's like, yeah, but...

02:24:49.000 This is how we make stories.

02:24:51.000 This is how movies and shows are made.

02:24:53.000 So add all these elements to it.

02:24:54.000 You've got to have autonomy if you're going to have your own creation.

02:24:57.000 Because that's the problem with movies and TV shows.

02:24:59.000 They cost a lot of money to make.

02:25:01.000 So when a lot of people are putting their money up, they want results and they want it to be their way.

02:25:05.000 And they want to get their little greasy fingers all over everything. 1.00

02:25:07.000 Which is why you have to listen to their...

02:25:11.000 Yeah.

02:25:11.000 Otherwise, you'd be like...

02:25:12.000 Imagine if that was the case with stand-up.

02:25:16.000 Imagine if you became an entity as a stand-up comedian.

02:25:20.000 Like, hey, Tom, we really like what you're doing out there, so we want to be in business with you.

02:25:23.000 So what we're going to do is we're going to put up the money for all your travel, all your hotel, we're going to give you a salary, and...

02:25:30.000 We're going to be a part of Tom Segura Enterprises, and we're going to have meetings every week, and what are we working on this week?

02:25:34.000 Well, here's a script that Bobby and the writers have come up.

02:25:37.000 You know, you can alter this if you like, Tom, as long as, of course, we approve it at the end before you go on stage.

02:25:41.000 And you get to this, like, what?

02:25:43.000 What have I done?

02:25:44.000 We're so spoiled! 0.70

02:25:46.000 That's why it's the last and best thing that you can never give up if you're doing it.

02:25:50.000 Yeah, you can't give it up.

02:25:51.000 We're so spoiled.

02:25:53.000 You really get to do whatever you want.

02:25:54.000 And even more so now because you have podcasts.

02:25:57.000 I've seen how the podcast has changed your whole thing, man.

02:26:01.000 You guys sell out everywhere now.

02:26:03.000 You have a real following.

02:26:04.000 Dude, I just did a tour of one-nighters.

02:26:08.000 Almost every one was sold out.

02:26:09.000 I mean, from Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which was unbelievable.

02:26:14.000 This place, Hub City Comedy.

02:26:17.000 Lafayette the next night, and then I did Punchline in Atlanta, Jacksonville, West Palm Beach.

02:26:22.000 Bam! 0.98

02:26:23.000 Bam! 0.98

02:26:24.000 And it's all podcast fans.

02:26:26.000 Podcast and Netflix, the two of them together.

02:26:28.000 Isn't that nuts?

02:26:28.000 It's amazing, yeah.

02:26:30.000 Yeah, and this is all internet stuff.

02:26:32.000 All of it's internet.

02:26:32.000 My whole thing is internet.

02:26:33.000 Isn't that amazing?

02:26:34.000 Yeah.

02:26:35.000 It's amazing.

02:26:36.000 This is a weird time for that.

02:26:38.000 Yeah.

02:26:39.000 It's pretty cool, man.

02:26:40.000 It's so cool.

02:26:41.000 Yeah. 0.75

02:26:41.000 Because, like, all the shit that you have to deal with if you're creating a script and it has to get passed by all these producers and executives, none of that exists, but yet all this success exists. 0.75

02:26:50.000 Mm-hmm. 0.97

02:26:50.000 All these people love what you're doing. 0.97

02:26:51.000 Like, what fucking studio executive would sign off on Black or Tom? 0.99

02:26:58.000 I don't think... 1.00

02:27:00.000 None.

02:27:00.000 Zero.

02:27:01.000 You couldn't have people in the room with you.

02:27:03.000 They would be, like, shaking their head, looking at each other.

02:27:04.000 I'll talk.

02:27:06.000 And they would go, Tom, so, hey, um, went well, went well.

02:27:11.000 Black time or black. 0.98

02:27:13.000 For what you get out of it, I don't think it's your best work.

02:27:17.000 For what you get out of it, I just think it's not worth what you give up.

02:27:22.000 I'm going to show you some tweets.

02:27:24.000 Look at the guy with the egg next to his name. 0.81

02:27:28.000 His name is ZeroDark30 and he thinks you're a racist.

02:27:31.000 We should stop.

02:27:32.000 I was on a morning news show.

02:27:35.000 It was like good morning whatever things.

02:27:37.000 And I had on, like, a black jacket and a black and gray, I think, either L.A. hat.

02:27:43.000 I think it was an L.A. hat.

02:27:44.000 It was black and gray.

02:27:45.000 And he was like, big Dodger fan?

02:27:47.000 And I go, no, I hate baseball.

02:27:49.000 And he was like, ah, okay. 0.75

02:27:51.000 And I go, I just wear hats for the colors, like black guys, you know, just to match. 1.00

02:27:56.000 And he was like, hey, like...

02:27:58.000 Immediately was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

02:27:59.000 On the air?

02:28:00.000 On the air, yeah.

02:28:01.000 I go, you know, it's just like for, I just wear it for the style, like just for the colors, like black guys. 1.00

02:28:05.000 And he's like, okay, so this weekend you're going to be at the, like, and he, like, I was like, wow, like he flipped out.

02:28:10.000 Didn't want to lose his job.

02:28:11.000 Yeah, immediately.

02:28:12.000 And again, he's a news, I'm the comedian, I can say whatever I want, but that for him was like super risky.

02:28:17.000 Can you imagine if he said that? 0.84

02:28:18.000 Hey, I just wear hats like black guys. 1.00

02:28:19.000 People would want his head. 0.98

02:28:21.000 Yeah, of course.

02:28:21.000 You can't, you can't do that if you're a newscaster guy.

02:28:24.000 They will have you fucking remember. 0.97

02:28:26.000 And he thought afterwards, he was like, you're kind of unpredictable, huh? 0.99

02:28:30.000 I was like, it's not really that crazy. 1.00

02:28:33.000 In that world, though, you're a little bitch. 1.00

02:28:35.000 You have to be a company bitch in that world. 1.00

02:28:37.000 You can't have opinions about anything. 0.99

02:28:39.000 Everything has to be broad.

02:28:41.000 Well, we certainly support our heroes.

02:28:43.000 We'll be right back.

02:28:44.000 It has to be.

02:28:45.000 There can't be any weirdness.

02:28:49.000 A little earlier today, we had a guest on.

02:28:51.000 He made a comment, and we'd just like everybody to know that...

02:28:53.000 That does not reflect K-Sun 4 News.

02:28:57.000 Anyone can wear hats of any color.

02:28:59.000 Thank you.

02:29:00.000 I don't even know where he was going with that.

02:29:02.000 I didn't understand it either.

02:29:04.000 Anyway, moving on.

02:29:05.000 Some people are just not that talented.

02:29:07.000 They have to resort to shock value.

02:29:08.000 Shock.

02:29:10.000 Carrot Top is also going to be...

02:29:12.000 There's always going to be people like that, man.

02:29:14.000 Unbelievable.

02:29:15.000 There's no getting around that.

02:29:16.000 There's always going to be...

02:29:17.000 Those jobs are like...

02:29:19.000 If you're going to be the guy on the local news, you almost have to have zero flavor.

02:29:23.000 Yeah.

02:29:24.000 You can't have any flavor.

02:29:25.000 Flavor's bad.

02:29:26.000 Flavor's dangerous.

02:29:27.000 Gets people sued.

02:29:28.000 That's with morning radio DJs, too.

02:29:30.000 Right?

02:29:31.000 Those guys are dying off.

02:29:33.000 There's not a whole lot of those guys left. 0.99

02:29:34.000 That's what's the most funny thing about Howard saying that podcasting is for losers. 0.86

02:29:38.000 Try getting a radio job.

02:29:40.000 What's just started happening now, and I knew this was going to happen, and it's finally happening, is that they are now finally, clubs are going, there's no more radio.

02:29:51.000 They're saying, you go, so we're doing press tomorrow morning, and they're like, we don't do that anymore.

02:29:56.000 And it'll be like, it's not that like, oh, you're completely sold out, we don't need to do any press.

02:30:00.000 They're just like, it's a waste of time.

02:30:02.000 They finally realized, I'm not saying all radio is a waste of time, but they realize in certain markets, with certain shows, they're like, we're not going to pay anymore for things, there's no point in bringing you there, it doesn't turn into anything, you don't have to do it.

02:30:16.000 Well, there was one radio station where I did way back in the day when I used to have to do those morning shows where they talked about how they had a deal with this radio station where they would buy ads.

02:30:26.000 And because they would buy ads, the DJs would, it was like a bribe to get the comics to come in and do the morning show.

02:30:33.000 So the comics would come in and do the morning show, tell them when they were there, and they would buy ads for the radio show during the day.

02:30:38.000 Wow.

02:30:38.000 And I was like, well, you have to buy ads, huh?

02:30:40.000 Yeah, you can't get anybody in unless you buy ads.

02:30:42.000 I'm like, wow, it's that blatant?

02:30:44.000 Yeah.

02:30:44.000 It's that blatant.

02:30:45.000 Yeah, it's great now.

02:30:47.000 There's been markets now where I go to, and there's radio set up, and I'll be like, I don't want to do it.

02:30:53.000 And they go, okay, and you know what?

02:30:55.000 Turnouts, great.

02:30:58.000 The problem with the radio is just getting up.

02:31:01.000 Breaks your whole brain.

02:31:03.000 Getting up and you always roll the dice.

02:31:04.000 There's some great guys doing radio, but then there's also shows where you're like, dude, this is a waste.

02:31:08.000 Why are we doing this? 0.99

02:31:09.000 This sucks. 0.99

02:31:09.000 That could get bad. 0.99

02:31:10.000 That's worse than getting up for me, I think, is when you get there and they're like, what do you want me to ask you?

02:31:15.000 I'm like, whatever he wants.

02:31:17.000 Eliza Schlesinger had some crazy incident happen recently.

02:31:20.000 Oh, I think I heard about that.

02:31:21.000 Yeah, I'll let her tell it next time she was here.

02:31:24.000 But she cracked a joke and she didn't realize that this dude's mom was dead.

02:31:30.000 But the dude kind of opened the door to begin with.

02:31:34.000 I don't remember the exact way the joke went, but it was a classic example. 0.84

02:31:39.000 It was a classic example.

02:31:40.000 I could call her and have her talk about it on the air.

02:31:42.000 Let me see if she'll do that. 1.00

02:31:45.000 Let's see if she even answers. 0.97

02:31:48.000 Give it a shot.

02:31:49.000 I've never done this before. 1.00

02:31:50.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:31:51.000 But it's just highlighting how those people can be a huge pain in the ass. 1.00

02:31:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:31:57.000 Let's see.

02:31:58.000 You gonna patch it in through the speakerphone?

02:32:00.000 Yeah, this is how I do it.

02:32:01.000 It's high-tech.

02:32:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:32:03.000 It's high-tech as fuck. 1.00

02:32:09.000 What is that? 1.00

02:32:10.000 That sounds like...

02:32:11.000 Oh.

02:32:12.000 What? 0.96

02:32:13.000 What the heck? 0.96

02:32:14.000 That's the government. 0.98

02:32:15.000 That's the government cutting out. 1.00

02:32:17.000 Joe Rogan, stop talking shit about 0.30. 0.99

02:32:19.000 NSA doesn't need this. 0.99

02:32:21.000 Yeah, what is that?

02:32:22.000 A little weird...

02:32:22.000 You have reached the...

02:32:24.000 Yeah.

02:32:28.000 That would be a problem.

02:32:29.000 Oh, man.

02:32:30.000 Yeah.

02:32:30.000 She starts getting text.

02:32:31.000 That is... 0.99

02:32:32.000 Asshole face. 1.00

02:32:33.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:32:35.000 I feel like the goal of doing stand-up long enough and the biggest mark of success is being like, oh, I don't have to do radio? 1.00

02:32:46.000 That's the dream.

02:32:47.000 I know, but some places the dream was to do radio.

02:32:50.000 Some places it was.

02:32:51.000 To get on the Bob and Tom show.

02:32:52.000 Sure, yeah. 0.99

02:32:53.000 You know, Bob and Tom, they fucking said no to Joey Diaz. 0.98

02:32:56.000 Why? 0.98

02:32:56.000 He was supposed to go there and someone saw something on YouTube that he did, or most likely everything on YouTube. 0.98

02:33:02.000 Yeah.

02:33:03.000 Anything he's ever said.

02:33:04.000 Anything he's ever said ever about everything.

02:33:06.000 I have conversations with that guy.

02:33:07.000 And they pulled him off.

02:33:08.000 They pulled him off the show.

02:33:09.000 What?

02:33:09.000 Yeah, he sold out every show.

02:33:11.000 I tweeted the shit out of it. 1.00

02:33:12.000 He sold out every fucking show. 1.00

02:33:13.000 And then Bob and Tom got hit with a deluge of insults. 1.00

02:33:17.000 You guys are old. 1.00

02:33:18.000 You're fucking idiots. 1.00

02:33:19.000 You're losers. 1.00

02:33:20.000 He's the funniest guy on earth. 1.00

02:33:22.000 You pulled him because of a YouTube video. 1.00

02:33:23.000 He's not the YouTube video, you stupid fucks. 1.00

02:33:26.000 Wow. 1.00

02:33:26.000 I don't know what happened, whose decision it was to do that. 1.00

02:33:30.000 Those guys are really good guys, too.

02:33:32.000 I've done their show before.

02:33:33.000 Super nice guys.

02:33:35.000 I don't know whose decision it was to not have Joey on. 0.99

02:33:37.000 It's just so dumb. 1.00

02:33:38.000 That's stupid. 1.00

02:33:39.000 He's a professional. 1.00

02:33:40.000 He doesn't swear on the air. 1.00

02:33:41.000 He's not going to do anything stupid. 1.00

02:33:43.000 No. 1.00

02:33:43.000 Come on, Indiana. 1.00

02:33:44.000 He might bring in some treats for people to try.

02:33:47.000 He might doze you.

02:33:49.000 He might doze you.

02:33:52.000 It might dose ya. 0.58

02:33:53.000 You eat your breakfast burrito yet?

02:33:55.000 Try this.

02:33:55.000 Where are you headed to this weekend?

02:33:57.000 Let's see.

02:33:58.000 Tomorrow I'm doing the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club.

02:34:01.000 Oh! 0.60

02:34:01.000 So I'm doing that Wednesday night. 0.60

02:34:03.000 And then...

02:34:04.000 How is that?

02:34:05.000 That's in Ventura, California?

02:34:06.000 Yeah, I haven't done it.

02:34:07.000 That's not that far away.

02:34:07.000 I'm excited to do it, yeah.

02:34:08.000 I heard that's good.

02:34:09.000 I think it's going to be fun.

02:34:11.000 Sunday I do just the podcast live, and then next week Virginia Beach Funny Bone.

02:34:16.000 And today I added a bunch.

02:34:18.000 I'm doing some big...

02:34:19.000 Venues coming up, and I added them.

02:34:20.000 I got Park West in Chicago, Neptune Theater in Seattle.

02:34:24.000 All of it available at TomSeguro.com.

02:34:26.000 Yeah, very excited. 1.00

02:34:28.000 All right, fuckers. 1.00

02:34:29.000 Let's wrap this bitch up. 1.00

02:34:30.000 I gotta get out of here. 0.99

02:34:31.000 I got things to do.

02:34:32.000 Oh, Brian, you got a show tomorrow night at the Comedy Store, right?

02:34:35.000 Yes, Burt Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, a bunch of us.

02:34:38.000 Bam, bam, bam.

02:34:39.000 Ice House tomorrow night is sold the fuck out. 1.00

02:34:42.000 And that shit's going to be off the chain as well. 0.99

02:34:45.000 Majestic Theater in Dallas, Friday night, almost sold out. 1.00

02:34:48.000 Very few tickets left.

02:34:50.000 Tony Hinchcliffe, Ian Edwards, and me.

02:34:53.000 Alright, we'll see you guys next week.

02:34:55.000 Much love.

02:34:56.000 Enjoy your weekend.

02:34:56.000 Big kiss for all you.

02:34:58.000 That was a blast.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 10, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #624 - Tom Segura

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript