The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #667 - Kurt Metzger

00:00:02.000 We are here live with Kurt Metzger, the president of the Donald Trump Fan Club.

00:00:06.000 And he's going to let us know about the campaign hopeful and exactly what's going to happen with Mr. Trump once he becomes president.

00:00:13.000 Kurt?

00:00:15.000 I'm all for a Trump president.

00:00:16.000 Would he say it's going to be the biggest economic turnaround?

00:00:20.000 He made some big promises.

00:00:22.000 He got fired from NBC, man.

00:00:23.000 Did you hear about that?

00:00:24.000 He's suing!

00:00:25.000 I'm gonna sue!

00:00:26.000 Wait, Donald Trump?

00:00:26.000 He got fired, yeah.

00:00:28.000 Oh, for his...

00:00:28.000 Oh, his firing show.

00:00:30.000 Yes, he got fired from the fire show.

00:00:32.000 Oh, an ironic end for him.

00:00:34.000 It is.

00:00:35.000 He says he's gonna sue, though.

00:00:37.000 He'll have the last laugh.

00:00:38.000 Why is he suing them?

00:00:39.000 Like, what are they firing him for?

00:00:41.000 Well, he made a bunch of disparaging comments about Mexicans, about people crossing the border, and it was, you know...

00:00:47.000 He just was talking.

00:00:48.000 He was talking like a rich guy with no sense whatsoever that he could be held accountable.

00:00:56.000 I love that.

00:00:56.000 Yeah.

00:00:57.000 I love that blather where you just can't lie and hide it.

00:01:02.000 You've got to let it out.

00:01:03.000 But I never blame the corporation that has to fire whoever for a thing.

00:01:08.000 That's what I expect them to do.

00:01:10.000 It's a business.

00:01:11.000 You know what I mean?

00:01:11.000 I would never put that on them if I got fired from something.

00:01:15.000 To sue them after that seems fucking a little crazy.

00:01:18.000 I think he just sues anybody who gets in his way. 1.00

00:01:20.000 He's a fucking steamroller. 1.00

00:01:21.000 A steamroller of lawsuits. 1.00

00:01:23.000 Does he win, though?

00:01:24.000 I don't know.

00:01:25.000 He has a rock-solid contract, is what TMZ said.

00:01:28.000 So that's why he's doing it.

00:01:31.000 And it's the beauty pageant.

00:01:32.000 So they fired him from that, and then Mexico said that they won't put a woman in his beauty pageant.

00:01:40.000 It's over.

00:01:41.000 What is it?

00:01:41.000 Miss Universe?

00:01:42.000 Is that?

00:01:42.000 Miss Universe.

00:01:44.000 So, it's a rough week for a fucking multi-billionaire. 1.00

00:01:48.000 They have Donald Trump pinatas. 0.99

00:01:50.000 Our pinatas are going crazy, though, in Mexico.

00:01:53.000 Everyone's beating these Donald Trump pinatas.

00:01:55.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:01:56.000 Yeah, they get mad, man.

00:01:57.000 I don't, you know, that's not like, I guess because I'm on the East Coast, it's not like a thing.

00:02:01.000 Like, I don't have any strong feelings about immigration.

00:02:04.000 Like, so I never know how to, like...

00:02:06.000 Yeah, that's interesting, right?

00:02:08.000 And she wants to talk about her book, Adios America, right?

00:02:11.000 About, like, the illegals are coming.

00:02:12.000 And I'm like, I don't really have any... 0.99

00:02:14.000 I'm like, well, I don't give a shit if they come. 0.97

00:02:16.000 Like, why can't we go after their employers? 0.99

00:02:19.000 Yeah, why can't you?

00:02:20.000 Why can't...

00:02:20.000 Okay, Jay.

00:02:21.000 Why can't you?

00:02:24.000 The thing about Mexico and California is that Mexico you can just drive to.

00:02:29.000 And a lot of people over here are from Mexico.

00:02:31.000 You had a good point.

00:02:33.000 There really isn't a place like that on the East Coast, except for Cuba.

00:02:37.000 Cuba's got the Miami thing.

00:02:40.000 Miami and Cuba are right next door to each other.

00:02:42.000 There's a lot of Cubans.

00:02:43.000 Did you have friends or like, I have one of my best friends from college, this dude from Peru was telling me how Cuba's a utopia.

00:02:50.000 That was his term.

00:02:52.000 It is if you like 1950s cars.

00:02:54.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:02:55.000 Nobody's on an inner tube floating to Cuba that I've ever heard of.

00:02:59.000 That's just why I don't buy...

00:03:01.000 Well, they have some good things.

00:03:04.000 They seem to be really nice people.

00:03:07.000 They have a great sense of community and family.

00:03:08.000 Have you ever been there?

00:03:09.000 No.

00:03:10.000 But I wish I could tell you why I may go.

00:03:14.000 But I'll tell you off air.

00:03:16.000 Sorry, folks.

00:03:17.000 It's a secret.

00:03:19.000 But what you see down there for real is like these incredibly restored old 1950s American cars.

00:03:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:03:26.000 Because that was the last time they were getting cars.

00:03:28.000 Oh, right, yeah.

00:03:29.000 Look at all these cars.

00:03:30.000 This is Cuba.

00:03:31.000 Oh, I can finally film my 50s.

00:03:35.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't know how they're doing this, you know, what they do with the bodies or how they make sure that these bodies stay restored, if they're remanufacturing them.

00:03:46.000 I don't know how they're doing that.

00:03:48.000 Like some old cars, they take like some old cars and then people will make new body parts for those old cars.

00:03:54.000 The cars are made of people, Joe, did you know?

00:03:55.000 What?

00:03:56.000 But look at this.

00:03:57.000 This is Cube.

00:03:58.000 I mean, there's a few new cars in there, one on the left-hand side, but there's a lot of this, man.

00:04:02.000 That's cool.

00:04:03.000 That is cool.

00:04:03.000 It's weird, right?

00:04:04.000 And you said you're going for sex tourism? 1.00

00:04:05.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

00:04:07.000 Jesus, Kurt Metzger! 1.00

00:04:09.000 I don't know how long... 0.97

00:04:12.000 That looks fucking kind of cool, actually. 0.58

00:04:15.000 How long have they been using these old cars? 0.93

00:04:18.000 Like, that is older than the embargo, right?

00:04:20.000 The embargo happened in the 60s.

00:04:22.000 They really built them back then, you know?

00:04:25.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:04:26.000 So, like, these are really old cars, though.

00:04:28.000 Like, that up on top, I think that's a 57 or a 56 Chevy.

00:04:32.000 That blue one to the middle.

00:04:34.000 Yeah.

00:04:35.000 I'm pretty sure that's a 50s.

00:04:37.000 Like a late 50s car.

00:04:38.000 Look at that taxi.

00:04:39.000 It looks like the Mork& Mini chair.

00:04:41.000 That's a real taxi.

00:04:42.000 The egg.

00:04:43.000 Yeah.

00:04:44.000 The Nano Nano egg.

00:04:46.000 1952 Oldsmobile.

00:04:47.000 Wow.

00:04:48.000 So, there are a few, like, see, there's fairly modern cars in the background.

00:04:51.000 It's a modern truck.

00:04:52.000 But I guess you see a lot of these old cars.

00:04:55.000 It's kind of wild, man.

00:04:58.000 It's like a time machine, you know, if you go back there.

00:05:03.000 Dick Tracy.

00:05:04.000 Oh, that's cool, that one.

00:05:05.000 Well, they're all cool, but driving them is like driving a living room. 0.99

00:05:09.000 They're retarded. 1.00

00:05:10.000 They're just the dumbest fucking... 1.00

00:05:12.000 They're the dumbest shape ever for, like, getting around. 1.00

00:05:15.000 I think that fucking Fiat's a stupid shape. 1.00

00:05:18.000 You know that commercial? 1.00

00:05:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:19.000 They always run of, like, women want to fuck it? 1.00

00:05:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:22.000 It's the dumbest... 1.00

00:05:24.000 It's shaped like DeRose. 1.00

00:05:25.000 They have weird commercials. 1.00

00:05:27.000 Commercials almost always involve fucking. 0.98

00:05:29.000 Remember the one time there was a kid in the backseat, and all the bras and all the girls getting changed in the front seat, and all the bras and everything are flying on him, and he's just sitting there, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:05:37.000 Yeah, you know, I fucking hate those commercials. 0.81

00:05:40.000 For the same reason you'd read, like, a feminist blog hating that commercial, or for a different, like, I hate it too, but... 1.00

00:05:46.000 I think they hate it for a reason different than my reason.

00:05:49.000 Right.

00:05:49.000 Like, I'm insulted by it.

00:05:50.000 They hate it because it's objectifying women. 1.00

00:05:54.000 All women are just there to be sexual, play things, and throw their bra on your face while they're driving. 1.00

00:06:00.000 Yeah, I know the difference. 1.00

00:06:02.000 Everybody really believes that that really changes you so much, like the little extraneous shit that you look at. 0.96

00:06:09.000 Changes your perceptions. 0.99

00:06:10.000 It bothers me because I resent the idea that I would just, oh, tits, okay, I'll buy a Fiat. 0.98

00:06:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:06:15.000 Oh, tits? 0.99

00:06:16.000 Like, that's annoying to me that someone would think I was that dumb. 1.00

00:06:19.000 But, uh, I don't understand the objective. 0.88

00:06:22.000 You know what's the worst objectification? 0.98

00:06:24.000 Those fucking, uh, like, top ten worst beach body lists. 1.00

00:06:28.000 You ever seen that shit? 1.00

00:06:28.000 Yes. 1.00

00:06:29.000 That ain't for men. 0.99

00:06:30.000 Who's reading that? 0.99

00:06:31.000 That's what my girlfriend, like, which girl has the shittiest body? 1.00

00:06:34.000 I would never even look at a list like that. 0.51

00:06:36.000 Yeah.

00:06:37.000 How is me, like, the burger commercials, like, nicer, you know?

00:06:41.000 Unless there's someone on there that you used to think was hot, then you might check out, see how far the slide has gone.

00:06:47.000 Like, ooh, you might look.

00:06:48.000 You might look in a train wreck way.

00:06:50.000 But yeah, those things are for women. 1.00

00:06:52.000 Yeah, but it's not some women it doesn't mean to fight like it's like if you're creating characters for fiction And the idea that you can't create a cunt, you know, you can't make a slut You can't make a girl who's all fucked up in the head. 1.00

00:07:05.000 Well, they exist in life Okay, and if you're making fiction your fiction doesn't necessarily have to represent anything other than what's in your head What's the wacky story you're trying to get out? 0.95

00:07:15.000 You don't have any obligation to use a certain amount of Asians.

00:07:18.000 You don't have any obligation to use a certain amount of white people or black people.

00:07:21.000 Your obligation is to make something cool up.

00:07:24.000 Make it up.

00:07:25.000 Pull it out of your head.

00:07:26.000 Well, look, people don't worry about entertainment like that.

00:07:29.000 When I was religious, that was our... 0.99

00:07:31.000 When I was Jehovah's Witness, dude, like every fucking thing I watched, like Smurfs was off limits for some fucking bullshit reason, right? 0.99

00:07:39.000 They wouldn't let you watch the Smurfs? 0.98

00:07:41.000 Yeah, I mean, so what, really?

00:07:42.000 But there's, I don't know, there's some demonic thing with that. 0.97

00:07:45.000 And it's all this fucking, and then I remember the Simpsons, somebody came in and gave a talk. 0.99

00:07:49.000 Brother Tucker, his name was. 0.99

00:07:50.000 He was like the traveling overseer was his title.

00:07:53.000 All right?

00:07:54.000 And he would come and like give talks in the congregation.

00:07:56.000 I was in meetings like three nights a week. 0.99

00:07:58.000 So he gave this whole fucking talk about all this shit that would like, how E.T. was bad. 1.00

00:08:04.000 E.T.? Yeah, because he healed the boy.

00:08:06.000 And like, yeah, who do we know is the only person who can heal?

00:08:09.000 Yeah.

00:08:10.000 Like, I might start believing E.T. is the real Jesus.

00:08:13.000 That's the fear.

00:08:14.000 And then the Simpsons had rebellion against authority and disrespect of your elders.

00:08:21.000 So I could hear the mothers, I'm not letting my kid watch it.

00:08:25.000 I could hear them chattering after that. 1.00

00:08:27.000 That's what this shit is now. 0.99

00:08:28.000 It's like, what's the representation? 0.99

00:08:30.000 It's not propaganda. 0.99

00:08:32.000 Some shit's just candy, you know? 0.99

00:08:34.000 So we were talking about this before the podcast. 0.99

00:08:36.000 Do you think that some, like, overtly upset PC people, that what they're doing is almost like a form of, like, protecting the Lord?

00:08:47.000 Almost like a form of fighting against blasphemy.

00:08:50.000 Yeah, I remember those people from my church.

00:08:52.000 I remember all of them that were like, oh, well, you something.

00:08:56.000 So they're just doing that same behavior.

00:08:58.000 I believe that 100%.

00:09:00.000 I think you're right.

00:09:01.000 You don't notice the exact same thing?

00:09:02.000 Yeah.

00:09:03.000 Listen, I don't even mind them.

00:09:04.000 As long as you're not trying to get me fired, you can say whatever.

00:09:09.000 I'm not against criticism.

00:09:11.000 That's fine.

00:09:12.000 Do I have to be fired?

00:09:13.000 Can we not do that part of it?

00:09:15.000 Well, that is where you find out exactly what kind of people they are.

00:09:20.000 What exactly are they trying to accomplish?

00:09:22.000 Are they trying to engage in discourse with a reasonable person?

00:09:25.000 You're a reasonable guy.

00:09:26.000 You'll have conversations with people.

00:09:28.000 But that's the thing.

00:09:28.000 They want you instantly labeled as an unreasonable person who's not to be debated.

00:09:33.000 Well, you shouldn't even have to bring it up.

00:09:35.000 You should just know what the right thing is to do.

00:09:37.000 Remember the anti-Seinfeld?

00:09:39.000 Mm-hmm.

00:09:40.000 Like, you know, Seinfeld...

00:09:41.000 By the way, Chris Rock said the same thing, right?

00:09:43.000 Yeah, of course.

00:09:43.000 About colleges are too busy.

00:09:44.000 But he's allowed to.

00:09:46.000 Yeah, there was not.

00:09:47.000 So then Seinfeld comes out and it's like, well, he's irrelevant and an old man or something. 0.96

00:09:52.000 Which, by the way, that's like saying someone's fat. 0.56

00:09:55.000 Yeah.

00:09:55.000 I don't see the difference there.

00:09:57.000 It's an ad hominem.

00:09:57.000 Right.

00:09:58.000 I mean, it's diffusing his argument.

00:10:00.000 And what he's saying is, you know, what Jerry Seinfeld was saying was that colleges are too PC. You know, call you on everything.

00:10:06.000 Well, the thing with his daughter, they don't even know what the fuck these words mean and what constitutes that. 0.98

00:10:11.000 Right. 0.98

00:10:11.000 And that's exactly right! 0.98

00:10:13.000 I don't think that PC ruins comedy.

00:10:16.000 Like, people who are funny are still funny.

00:10:17.000 It kinda fucks up audiences, right?

00:10:20.000 So, we both...

00:10:21.000 I have the same goal as one of these PC people. 0.98

00:10:23.000 Like, I think people should be more sensitive to each other and all that shit, right? 0.59

00:10:27.000 But their system's not going to create that. 0.99

00:10:30.000 It's just going to create fucking people that shut down at buzzwords. 0.98

00:10:33.000 So that's not helping. 0.99

00:10:34.000 It's not accomplishing anything.

00:10:36.000 It's also a game.

00:10:37.000 There's a total that's being run.

00:10:40.000 On one side, people are trying to catch you for things they can catch you with.

00:10:44.000 It's just like what happens with cops.

00:10:46.000 When you start giving cops the ability to start writing out tickets, and you give them the ability to play this game, and this game is to try to get the bad guy.

00:10:55.000 You're involved in a game.

00:10:57.000 Well, you're in a game with them, too.

00:10:59.000 And their game is to get offended. 0.99

00:11:00.000 Let me find some shit to get offended at. 0.99

00:11:02.000 And then they find it. 0.99

00:11:03.000 I got one! 1.00

00:11:04.000 I fucking got one! 1.00

00:11:05.000 And they get that one. 1.00

00:11:07.000 They want to parade that one out.

00:11:08.000 They want to publicly shame them. 1.00

00:11:10.000 Like that fucking lady on Game of Thrones. 1.00

00:11:12.000 Shame! 1.00

00:11:14.000 Shame.

00:11:15.000 That's what they're doing.

00:11:16.000 It's like talking to bill collectors, dude.

00:11:18.000 They're like, what?

00:11:19.000 Please don't swear, sir.

00:11:21.000 Yeah.

00:11:23.000 Oh, I can't help you if you're... 0.99

00:11:24.000 I think I said, like, scumbag about... 0.99

00:11:28.000 It's unbelievable. 0.99

00:11:29.000 Please watch your language, sir.

00:11:30.000 It's like that.

00:11:31.000 That's just an easy out. 0.72

00:11:32.000 Yeah, that's a gross app.

00:11:34.000 I like it.

00:11:34.000 I could be reasoned with, so if somebody has an argument that talks me out of it, I'm not entrenched, you understand?

00:11:40.000 So just, if you're going to educate me, do it.

00:11:42.000 I'll listen to you.

00:11:43.000 You were involved in something like that.

00:11:45.000 What was going on where someone was trying to fire you for something?

00:11:49.000 Yeah, there's this, what do you call it?

00:11:52.000 Remember Sam Morrell?

00:11:54.000 It was the Great Rape Joke War of 2012. There's the Great Rape Joke War?

00:11:59.000 Remember that whole fucking thing? 0.99

00:12:01.000 Daniel Tosh thing? 0.99

00:12:02.000 Yeah, so Sam Morrell used to have a joke. 0.99

00:12:06.000 He was having sex with this woman. 1.00

00:12:08.000 Oh, he was having sex with this black woman. 1.00

00:12:09.000 It was making him really uncomfortable. 1.00

00:12:10.000 She kept using the N-word.

00:12:12.000 And he goes, you know, no!

00:12:14.000 Right?

00:12:14.000 So, somebody wrote a whole article about that.

00:12:17.000 So the joke's like, whatever, a throwaway joke, but there was a whole thing about how fucking terrible he is.

00:12:22.000 So I did a thing with him where we said the person that wrote this article is not a real person, okay? 0.81

00:12:29.000 And she was something we invented to make some points about free speech. 1.00

00:12:32.000 And I had a couple people on Facebook say, like, oh, the jig is up.

00:12:36.000 And so it spread pretty quick that she's not real, okay? 0.98

00:12:40.000 And she got fucking furious from that. 0.88

00:12:42.000 So she went through my whole Facebook and, uh... 0.97

00:12:46.000 By the way, like, don't go on my Facebook.

00:12:48.000 I can't say that enough to people.

00:12:49.000 Like, I don't need you and it's not good. 0.99

00:12:51.000 And she went through every post she could find to just cut and paste shit. 0.99

00:12:57.000 Out of context. 0.99

00:12:58.000 Jokes.

00:12:59.000 Clearly jokes.

00:12:59.000 And made a collage out of it, which was pretty awesome, actually.

00:13:03.000 Like, it looked pretty cool.

00:13:04.000 And had this thing to get me fired.

00:13:06.000 But I wasn't going to get fired, but I had to have, like... 0.99

00:13:09.000 I'd have a call from my producer and shit. 0.94

00:13:12.000 I never even equated my job with any of this. 0.97

00:13:14.000 You know what I mean?

00:13:15.000 That was like, well, I'm dumb, because I didn't realize that would spill over into my day job.

00:13:21.000 Well, the fact that she's got the kind of time to do that to someone who criticizes her or makes a little mock website. 1.00

00:13:27.000 Well, she has a mental illness that she had to be committed for, which I didn't know.

00:13:33.000 I wouldn't even have made a joke like that.

00:13:34.000 That probably is a beautiful mind for her. 1.00

00:13:38.000 When I did that, if I knew she had that, I wouldn't have done that.

00:13:41.000 Right.

00:13:42.000 She had something wrong with her. 0.99

00:13:43.000 So people with that disorder, borderline personality disorder, they take shit way harder than like... 0.99

00:13:48.000 Regular folks. 0.99

00:13:49.000 Yeah.

00:13:50.000 So you did it in response for this guy getting raked over the coast for an obvious joke.

00:13:55.000 I was actually jealous that he was getting attention. 1.00

00:13:57.000 That's how stupid I am. 0.99

00:13:59.000 I was like, I haven't been offensive, where's my thing? 1.00

00:14:02.000 So then I got my wish.

00:14:03.000 So you took it to the next level.

00:14:04.000 So what was the most heinous infraction that you were guilty of for doing that? 0.91

00:14:13.000 What were the terms they used, shitlord? 0.92

00:14:17.000 No, but you know what? 0.84

00:14:18.000 It's called the disturbing online trail of Kurt Metzger.

00:14:21.000 That's what it really is.

00:14:23.000 That was the name of the article.

00:14:24.000 The online trail.

00:14:25.000 It's a real smear job, dude.

00:14:27.000 I was shocked how smeary it was.

00:14:31.000 Where I'm like, wow, you really managed it.

00:14:33.000 But it's still kind of funny.

00:14:35.000 They still didn't, even in the effort to make it bad, but it's the most unfair. 1.00

00:14:41.000 I can't even believe the amount of Like, bullshit. 0.99

00:14:45.000 So it's pretty easy for someone to do it. 0.99

00:14:46.000 And I think still to this day, I'll get random, like, people are angry at me to this day from that.

00:14:52.000 That's hilarious.

00:14:53.000 Yeah, so it's like, it can affect you something. 1.00

00:14:55.000 I know it's affected me somehow, this bullshit fucking article. 1.00

00:14:59.000 Only in good ways. 1.00

00:15:01.000 Anybody that gets offended by that, you didn't want them in the first place.

00:15:04.000 Anybody that can't see, you can't read through that and go, wait, what's going on here?

00:15:08.000 What is the whole story?

00:15:09.000 Oh, they are mocking you, and they said you weren't a real person, like you were a parody account.

00:15:16.000 And then you're angry.

00:15:17.000 I don't know why that's so...

00:15:18.000 Well, because people were putting up fake accounts of her all over the place, which I didn't tell anyone to do that. 0.99

00:15:23.000 And by the way, I repeatedly, my fucking stupid fans, I can't ask them enough not to get involved. 0.99

00:15:31.000 You can't ask them to not get involved because it's not your say. 1.00

00:15:35.000 They want to get involved because it's fun for them. 0.99

00:15:37.000 I don't need that in my fucking... 1.00

00:15:38.000 But it's not you. 1.00

00:15:39.000 It's them.

00:15:40.000 Fine.

00:15:41.000 I wash my hands of you doing anything.

00:15:43.000 You may, but she invites that because what she's doing is online.

00:15:47.000 This is a totally open arena.

00:15:49.000 So for you to say to your friends, don't give her a hard time.

00:15:53.000 Why is there a comment section?

00:15:54.000 Why is there a comment section?

00:15:56.000 If you're writing nonsense, why did you leave a comment section?

00:15:59.000 Oh, you're going to heavily edit the comment section and chop out all relevant criticisms?

00:16:02.000 Well, because you know what?

00:16:03.000 I don't want to...

00:16:04.000 Like, I would have...

00:16:05.000 She's like somebody I would have had on my show if it hadn't gone to that.

00:16:08.000 You know what I mean?

00:16:08.000 Like, I don't want to alienate the people.

00:16:10.000 I want to get whoever I can to come on my goddamn podcast. 0.97

00:16:14.000 Because I'm not into, like... 0.98

00:16:15.000 I'm not trying to, like...

00:16:16.000 What's it called, by the way?

00:16:17.000 Race Wars.

00:16:18.000 It's me and Sherrod Small.

00:16:19.000 And we're going to Sirius pretty soon for four weeks for, like, a trial.

00:16:22.000 But it'll still be a podcast.

00:16:24.000 But, yeah, we have...

00:16:26.000 I'll have, like...

00:16:27.000 I2 is the whole deal?

00:16:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:16:29.000 It's...

00:16:29.000 Website?

00:16:30.000 Yeah, well, SoundCloud and iTunes, you can get it on.

00:16:33.000 Okay.

00:16:33.000 And the last one we had, Ann Coulter, the managing editor at Jezebel.

00:16:39.000 Jesus Christ.

00:16:40.000 This girl, Carolyn Castiglia, who's a comic.

00:16:43.000 Do you hate life?

00:16:44.000 It was great.

00:16:45.000 It was one of the best episodes. 0.99

00:16:47.000 And I had a fucking slam poetry contest. 0.99

00:16:49.000 Really? 1.00

00:16:50.000 A slam poetry contest? 0.99

00:16:52.000 You didn't see the fucking YouTube video of Rape Joke, the slam poetry finals? 0.99

00:16:58.000 No, I missed it. 0.99

00:16:59.000 Oh, it was brutal, dude.

00:17:00.000 What is it?

00:17:01.000 It's these two girls doing a, like, each one says the next line kind of slam poem. 1.00

00:17:05.000 Uh-huh.

00:17:06.000 Like, that they rehearsed.

00:17:07.000 They're like, knock, knock, who's there?

00:17:09.000 Rape Joke! 1.00

00:17:10.000 Ha ha ha!

00:17:11.000 Wait a minute.

00:17:12.000 What is this?

00:17:13.000 Is it a pair? 1.00

00:17:13.000 Your rape joke's not fucking funny. 1.00

00:17:15.000 The crowd goes nuts. 1.00

00:17:16.000 No, it's a real thing.

00:17:18.000 If you go on Upworthy, that's what they love, is like slam poetry.

00:17:22.000 Right.

00:17:23.000 It's a slam poem.

00:17:24.000 What is Upworthy?

00:17:25.000 You've never been on that?

00:17:26.000 No.

00:17:26.000 Seriously?

00:17:27.000 It's a...

00:17:28.000 Like things you're supposed to...

00:17:29.000 It seems familiar.

00:17:31.000 Dude.

00:17:31.000 What is it?

00:17:32.000 Is it like Dig?

00:17:32.000 It's like, uh...

00:17:33.000 Here's like an up-worthy title.

00:17:35.000 Like, this video of elephants getting married will blow your mind.

00:17:38.000 And then you see like a little short clip.

00:17:40.000 Or else it's like, this little transgendered girl explains it all. 0.95

00:17:45.000 What she said...

00:17:46.000 You blew me away.

00:17:47.000 You know, like, those are all the headlines and you're not blown away. 1.00

00:17:50.000 It's the shit on Facebook where, yeah, I hate that crap, where it says something like, you won't believe what happens next when this dog comes home from war. 1.00

00:17:56.000 No, no, no, no, you don't understand, Brian. 1.00

00:17:58.000 It's like super lefty, what he's saying.

00:18:01.000 But this is, look, it reads like my old religious Jehovah's Witness literature.

00:18:05.000 But here's why they're wrong.

00:18:07.000 That's what we would have.

00:18:07.000 You know, celebrate diversity, don't squash it.

00:18:09.000 Here's why the president is wrong.

00:18:11.000 Like those kind of questions, right?

00:18:13.000 Or those kind of titles.

00:18:13.000 That's a little more thoughtful than the titles, I would think.

00:18:16.000 But there's like, you know, Kirk Metzger is evil and a problem for America.

00:18:21.000 Here's what's wrong with his comedy.

00:18:23.000 That's too specific.

00:18:24.000 No, they're misleading.

00:18:26.000 It's always like, get ready to have your mind blown.

00:18:28.000 Let's read some of their titles.

00:18:29.000 Pull that back. 0.93

00:18:31.000 Yeah, it's like all the...

00:18:32.000 Hey, bring it up! 1.00

00:18:33.000 I looked at one today where it was somebody...

00:18:36.000 Can you scroll up to the top of the page?

00:18:37.000 There's probably a lot of parody sites of it, too, by now.

00:18:41.000 Okay, how seven things that have nothing to do with rape perfectly illustrate the concept of consent.

00:18:46.000 Watch, it's not going to perfectly illustrate.

00:18:48.000 But how crazy is that, that the first thing they go to is rape?

00:18:51.000 There's a little bit of rape obsession going on. 0.99

00:18:54.000 I know it's an awful, heinous crime, but goddamn it comes up a lot. 0.99

00:18:59.000 Yeah, I don't think awareness has to be raised more about it, but I don't know. 0.98

00:19:05.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with raising awareness, but it seems to me there's a massive focus on it.

00:19:10.000 Well, you're not going to...

00:19:11.000 Look, law enforcement has to do their job.

00:19:14.000 You know all those rape kits they have backed up? 0.99

00:19:16.000 That's fucking a big problem with convicts. 0.99

00:19:18.000 Rape kits backed up? 1.00

00:19:19.000 Yeah, like they haven't checked them.

00:19:22.000 But the things you see now is this idea that just a little education is going to stop this.

00:19:27.000 And you can educate men not to rape, but you're not a rapist.

00:19:31.000 That's what they do.

00:19:32.000 You're not going to educate them out of that.

00:19:34.000 So that's why law enforcement is supposed to take care of that.

00:19:39.000 You don't have to tell me not to rape.

00:19:40.000 I get it. 0.87

00:19:41.000 That's a bad thing to do.

00:19:42.000 I think, for sure, there's something about society's attitudes towards it that would make it more...

00:19:48.000 Look at this.

00:19:49.000 Instead of teaching women how to avoid rape, let's raise boys specifically not to rape. 0.56

00:19:52.000 Hey, good luck with that!

00:19:55.000 People that do that are like that. 0.82

00:19:57.000 Pedophiles are like that. 0.94

00:19:58.000 They just come out. 0.89

00:19:59.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:20:00.000 Well, I definitely think that growing up in a certain household, if your household is fucked up, and your dad is just a piece of shit towards women, and you see that, you grow up with that, but you're not going to change that with a cartoon. 0.99

00:20:12.000 You're just not. 0.99

00:20:13.000 There's nothing that's going to change that, but you've got to lock them up.

00:20:15.000 There's nothing you can do but lock them up.

00:20:17.000 Well, the only way to do it that makes any sense at all would be to somehow or another...

00:20:22.000 Raise better kids.

00:20:24.000 You'd have to figure out how to engineer that.

00:20:27.000 And that is not a small task by any stretch of the imagination.

00:20:30.000 Maybe we can breathe that out.

00:20:32.000 But I'm saying in the meantime, while we're working on that, which absolutely should happen, also watch your back until that problem is taken care of.

00:20:41.000 Like, I shouldn't have to chain my bike up either, but that, you know, it could get stolen if I don't.

00:20:46.000 This is seven things that have nothing to do with rape.

00:20:49.000 Perfectly illustrate the concept of consent.

00:20:51.000 It says, want to watch Pulp Fiction?

00:20:53.000 Sure.

00:20:53.000 The guy says, sure.

00:20:54.000 Half hour later, eh, I'm not really liking this.

00:20:56.000 Let's do something else.

00:20:57.000 And the guy puts his hand on him and says, no, you said you'd watch the movie, so you're staying until it's done. 1.00

00:21:04.000 So he's gonna fuck that guy, basically. 1.00

00:21:06.000 No, it's like he's raping him by forcing him to watch a movie. 1.00

00:21:11.000 Any guy that cares about whether or not you watch a movie is gonna fuck you. 1.00

00:21:15.000 He's just waiting for the drugs to take hold. 1.00

00:21:17.000 That's double rape. 1.00

00:21:18.000 He's kind of double raping you. 1.00

00:21:19.000 He's movie raping you and real raping you. 1.00

00:21:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:21:24.000 He's a rape, rape, rapist. 1.00

00:21:27.000 These are all terrible. 1.00

00:21:28.000 Thank you for letting me borrow your car.

00:21:30.000 No problem.

00:21:31.000 The next week.

00:21:31.000 What are you doing?

00:21:32.000 Borrowing your car.

00:21:33.000 You said I could. 0.97

00:21:34.000 If anybody fucks you for a week, that guy deserves a trophy, first of all. 1.00

00:21:38.000 That's a terrible analogy. 0.99

00:21:39.000 You can't take my car whenever you want it. 1.00

00:21:42.000 That's bullshit. 0.98

00:21:43.000 You said I could have it once, so I should be able to have it all the time. 1.00

00:21:47.000 Her car pussy! 1.00

00:21:48.000 I get it. 1.00

00:21:48.000 Yeah, it's car pussy, and for a week. 1.00

00:21:50.000 The dude's fucking her for a week. 1.00

00:21:52.000 That's what they're trying to get you to think. 1.00

00:21:54.000 This guy's so virile.

00:21:55.000 I can't even read these.

00:21:56.000 I know.

00:21:57.000 They're not even entertaining enough, but...

00:21:59.000 They're hurting my brain.

00:22:01.000 It's just such odd.

00:22:02.000 Who is this message for?

00:22:03.000 Exactly.

00:22:03.000 Who is the message for?

00:22:05.000 You know, it's duh.

00:22:06.000 It's all duh.

00:22:07.000 It's duh.

00:22:07.000 Don't rape.

00:22:08.000 Duh. 0.99

00:22:08.000 Don't be racist. 0.99

00:22:09.000 No, remember No More, the fucking Law& Order commercial? 1.00

00:22:12.000 All the cast of Law& Order SVU. Right. 0.99

00:22:15.000 You know, No More Sexual Assault, which is a good cause, right?

00:22:18.000 They're gonna stop it.

00:22:19.000 Yeah, we're all for that.

00:22:20.000 They're gonna do it.

00:22:21.000 Like, I'm not one of these guys that's for it, okay?

00:22:24.000 So then their slogan is no more, which if there's one thing a rapist understands, it's the word no, so good work with that.

00:22:31.000 And then they act like they can't even speak.

00:22:34.000 Did you ever see that?

00:22:34.000 It's all the actors from SVU, and they just go like, and it cuts to the next one, and he's like, no, no, and they cut to Mariska Hargitay.

00:22:44.000 She goes, can we stop?

00:22:45.000 Can we just stop?

00:22:47.000 And it says, sexual assault is hard to talk about.

00:22:51.000 Is it really?

00:22:52.000 Cast of Law& Order?

00:22:53.000 SVU? They're on a rape show for 16 years. 0.99

00:22:57.000 They can't bring it up now.

00:22:58.000 Their whole show's rape and murder. 1.00

00:22:59.000 It's just the hammiest fucking shit. 1.00

00:23:02.000 Yeah, they make money off of rape and murder on that show. 1.00

00:23:04.000 That's all that show's about. 0.99

00:23:05.000 That's porn for old people. 1.00

00:23:07.000 That's who watches that shit. 1.00

00:23:08.000 Old people don't fuck. 1.00

00:23:09.000 They get all titillated by murder shows. 1.00

00:23:11.000 Who's gonna see that and just go, damn, I was gonna go raping. 1.00

00:23:15.000 I know, right? 1.00

00:23:16.000 Shit. 1.00

00:23:17.000 Alright, Dan Florek. 1.00

00:23:20.000 You got me, you fuck. 1.00

00:23:22.000 Yeah, that didn't help one person, I bet. 1.00

00:23:23.000 Not one single person.

00:23:25.000 Of course not.

00:23:26.000 None of that works.

00:23:27.000 You can't just tell people to not do things.

00:23:30.000 Well, you know, there should be an environment, here's the thing you work on, if somebody got raped, that they feel like they can report it.

00:23:36.000 Like, that's what should make Yes.

00:23:38.000 That's the, whatever the attitude is to work on is, the whole key is everybody's got to report it when it happens, which some people don't want.

00:23:45.000 Yeah, but do...

00:23:46.000 Oh, go ahead, what are you saying?

00:23:47.000 No, go ahead, go ahead.

00:23:48.000 Well, remember, Killstein was on.

00:23:50.000 This is the thing that drove me nuts when I wanted to come on the show was when he said, rape's worse than murder.

00:23:54.000 So that's not really helping a victim to tell them they're better off dead than...

00:23:58.000 That's not really very kind, Jamie.

00:24:00.000 Do you understand?

00:24:01.000 No.

00:24:01.000 So that's how people don't report their rape because they'd want to be known as someone that something worse than murder happened to, right?

00:24:09.000 You know, no one ever stopped any sort of crime because of a slogan.

00:24:13.000 Give a hoot, don't pollute, maybe. 0.98

00:24:15.000 You know, maybe.

00:24:16.000 Maybe only you could fight for as far as.

00:24:18.000 You know, maybe you stopped some people with one of those cartoons.

00:24:21.000 Yeah, I think that could work.

00:24:22.000 But don't rape. 1.00

00:24:24.000 Hey, pedophiles! 1.00

00:24:24.000 Don't be an ape and please don't rape. 1.00

00:24:26.000 Cut it out, pedos. 1.00

00:24:27.000 Yeah. 0.87

00:24:28.000 Cut the... 1.00

00:24:28.000 Stop fucking kids. 1.00

00:24:30.000 Period. 1.00

00:24:31.000 Hands off the boys.

00:24:32.000 Let's call it what it is. 1.00

00:24:34.000 Stop fucking kids. 1.00

00:24:36.000 They should have like a... 1.00

00:24:37.000 We should make like really forceful ads. 1.00

00:24:40.000 Hey, it's not cool to fuck kids. 1.00

00:24:42.000 That would be a great ad. 1.00

00:24:43.000 Just three words. 1.00

00:24:45.000 Stop fucking kids. 1.00

00:24:47.000 That's the whole ad. 1.00

00:24:48.000 I don't care if it's controversial or not.

00:24:50.000 You gotta stop.

00:24:50.000 Yeah, just stop.

00:24:52.000 I know you get a rise out of it.

00:24:54.000 You need a hobby. 1.00

00:24:57.000 You can't continue to fuck kids. 1.00

00:24:58.000 No more it was only one or two a year, you know? 1.00

00:25:01.000 No more.

00:25:03.000 Imagine if you could find a kid that could keep his mouth shut.

00:25:06.000 What a gem.

00:25:07.000 Oh, God.

00:25:08.000 Jesus.

00:25:09.000 Found one.

00:25:10.000 Yeah, no more of that. 0.99

00:25:13.000 If you're a pedophile, it's got to be, the life of a pedophile is going to be the most heinous prison to find your mind trapped in. 0.93

00:25:20.000 You know, do you think that's an orientation, being a pedophile? 0.97

00:25:23.000 I literally have zero idea.

00:25:26.000 What I imagine is that, like, some people have schizophrenia, and some people, you know, they develop all sorts of weird mental disorders and multiple personality disorders.

00:25:37.000 The human brain doesn't always work right. 1.00

00:25:39.000 I heard schizophrenia is kind of just a catch-all for a bunch of shit. 1.00

00:25:42.000 I didn't realize how much Scientology bashes the shit out of psychiatry. 1.00

00:25:51.000 Psychiatry's got a lot of bullshit. 1.00

00:25:52.000 I didn't realize compared to medicine where it's not like they can't really diagnose shit for real. 1.00

00:25:57.000 It's a lot of guesswork. 0.97

00:25:59.000 Did you know that?

00:26:00.000 Well, I know it in talking to people that have taken antidepressants. 1.00

00:26:05.000 That's the dick. 1.00

00:26:06.000 That's the robot dick. 1.00

00:26:07.000 Oh yeah, sorry. 1.00

00:26:08.000 It's alright if I hit my glass dick in here. 0.99

00:26:12.000 But Neil Brennan was on the other day, and he was talking about... 0.99

00:26:14.000 This is one thing that a lot of people may not know, and I didn't know until I started talking to people that take them.

00:26:20.000 Folks who take SSRIs, they don't know why these things help people.

00:26:24.000 They really don't know.

00:26:25.000 Yeah, I know.

00:26:25.000 And they don't know which one's going to work on you, and they give you a bunch of different ones.

00:26:28.000 You try this one out, this doesn't work.

00:26:30.000 Give me another one.

00:26:30.000 They give you another one.

00:26:31.000 Ooh, I think we got it.

00:26:32.000 And you've got to figure out what the dosage is.

00:26:35.000 It's a weird science.

00:26:36.000 Does this sound right to you?

00:26:37.000 I read this.

00:26:38.000 I don't remember where I read this. 0.59

00:26:39.000 So it could be just horseshit, but you know people are supposed to get suicidal on those? 0.85

00:26:43.000 Yes, on some of them. 0.85

00:26:44.000 Yeah, because some of them, this could be wrong, but it sounded interesting to me.

00:26:50.000 It kills anxiety, some of them, you know?

00:26:52.000 You have a certain amount of anxiety naturally about ending your life that's just naturally there to keep you from doing that.

00:26:59.000 Right.

00:26:59.000 And with some of these drugs, they even you out so much that you don't feel that fear.

00:27:03.000 So if you really thought out your suicide pretty well...

00:27:06.000 Now you no longer have the fear of committing it because you're calm.

00:27:10.000 So you're like, oh yeah, it's no big deal. 0.98

00:27:12.000 I'll just kill myself. 0.58

00:27:13.000 Well, that was the argument for school shooters and things along those lines. 0.98

00:27:16.000 I used to believe that, too.

00:27:18.000 But then I found out when people said, like, they're not all...

00:27:22.000 Some were on Xanax.

00:27:23.000 It's not all the same drug, and that's, like, the very catch-all, you know, easy answer.

00:27:28.000 Yeah.

00:27:28.000 What I was going to say is that they don't feel anything.

00:27:32.000 It doesn't bother them.

00:27:35.000 I had a friend who was on Zoloft, and the way she described it was, she's like, nothing bothered me.

00:27:40.000 Like, nothing.

00:27:41.000 My car could burst into flames.

00:27:44.000 Whatever.

00:27:45.000 Yeah, that's creepy. 0.99

00:27:46.000 So if you had a desire to kill someone for some reason, it wouldn't fuck with you the same way it would if you weren't on something. 0.97

00:27:53.000 So the idea is, so you get someone who's probably wired wrong anyway, right? 0.99

00:27:57.000 For whatever reason, trauma, abuse, genetics, whatever the fucking reason is that someone could become like that Colorado school shooting guy. 0.99

00:28:05.000 But you put someone like that on certain medications, and the way it interacts with your fucked up brain is it allows you to do heinous shit and not feel anything about it. 1.00

00:28:16.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

00:28:17.000 I don't know either.

00:28:18.000 I mean, I guess it depends how much of that is just in you.

00:28:21.000 Because I thought they calmed you down, too.

00:28:23.000 For some people, but they have a different effect on different...

00:28:26.000 It's like those medicines that they give people for ADHD. Right.

00:28:30.000 If you took it, you'd be like...

00:28:32.000 I know, that's what happens when I do take it.

00:28:34.000 Yeah, but if you give them to kids who have ADHD, apparently it calms them down in some strange way.

00:28:40.000 They like crash or something. 0.98

00:28:41.000 I don't fucking get it. 1.00

00:28:42.000 You know, it's just fucking meth, man. 1.00

00:28:44.000 Wow, that's a little different, but... 1.00

00:28:46.000 Slightly.

00:28:47.000 I love that we give kids Hitler pills now. 0.92

00:28:50.000 By the way, did you see that thing about his Hitler the junkie? 0.95

00:28:55.000 On History Channel.

00:28:56.000 It was all about his Dr. Feelgood.

00:28:58.000 Oh, he had a Dr. Feelgood.

00:28:59.000 They didn't even know back then.

00:29:00.000 People were taking meth.

00:29:01.000 They thought it was like a vitamin.

00:29:03.000 Yeah, he would get his Vita shot of meth.

00:29:08.000 He probably had a lot of energy.

00:29:10.000 It makes sense, if you think about it.

00:29:12.000 They used to give that to the fighter pilots, apparently.

00:29:14.000 Yeah, the Germans came up with it.

00:29:16.000 Well, the kamikazes take it. 1.00

00:29:18.000 They used to get dudes to fly their plane into ships and blow up. 0.86

00:29:22.000 Turn them into human torpedoes. 0.95

00:29:25.000 Apparently they were using crystal methadry.

00:29:27.000 That's amazing they could be that like sure that they're guys like a god-emperor to do that, you know? 0.95

00:29:33.000 That bomb really fucking turned that idea around. 1.00

00:29:35.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:29:37.000 They're like, ooh. 1.00

00:29:39.000 Yeah.

00:29:39.000 That guy's not god.

00:29:41.000 Yeah, there is no god. 1.00

00:29:43.000 Yeah, that's a fucking... 1.00

00:29:44.000 When that hits, boom. 1.00

00:29:46.000 When you see the entire city evaporate?

00:29:48.000 How about the one guy who escaped from Hiroshima and then went to Nagasaki and they dropped it on Nagasaki too? 0.99

00:29:55.000 Oh yeah, that's the fucking craziest... 0.97

00:29:56.000 He made it out of both of them. 0.98

00:29:59.000 I mean, can you imagine after that, you're like, you're never gonna believe what happened.

00:30:04.000 Could you imagine what it must have been like to see both of those cities get nailed?

00:30:09.000 What's the argument that maybe they didn't need to drop two?

00:30:12.000 Like they could have maybe just dropped the one?

00:30:14.000 They definitely could have dropped one.

00:30:15.000 The actual argument, I think, we were talking about it yesterday, is that they might not need to drop anything.

00:30:20.000 Like the Japanese might have already been trying to surrender.

00:30:22.000 Oh, is that right?

00:30:23.000 Not yet.

00:30:25.000 Oh, is that right?

00:30:26.000 Got a thing we gotta do first.

00:30:29.000 I don't know if that's true.

00:30:30.000 You know, like, also I've heard that we knew that the Japanese were going to attack Pearl Harbor and we kind of let it happen. 0.99

00:30:36.000 I've heard that too.

00:30:38.000 It's just always the same incompetence, dude.

00:30:40.000 It's like...

00:30:41.000 Could be. 1.00

00:30:42.000 I fucking... 1.00

00:30:43.000 Or the Illuminati, Kurt. 1.00

00:30:44.000 Ugh, I get in those fucking arguments all the time. 1.00

00:30:47.000 Goddamn Illuminati. 1.00

00:30:48.000 They're looking out right now. 1.00

00:30:50.000 I would do anything. 0.83

00:30:51.000 You're a puppet of them. 1.00

00:30:52.000 Dude, if they want me to draw triangles on shit, I'm fucking so into it. 1.00

00:30:56.000 Fame-based from the Illuminati. 1.00

00:30:58.000 I'd be happy to serve.

00:31:00.000 So they tried to get you fired from this show, and it didn't work. 0.97

00:31:04.000 Well, because I'm nobody, so if she maybe picked a famous dude, she could have made something happen, but she picked somebody nobody fucking has heard of. 0.90

00:31:12.000 Do you think that's what they're doing? 0.95

00:31:14.000 They're just trying to get traction? 1.00

00:31:15.000 Just to barnacle onto somebody else's shit. 1.00

00:31:17.000 Right. 1.00

00:31:18.000 There's a lot of that, right?

00:31:19.000 Yeah, that's been going on forever.

00:31:21.000 But you get away with it because it's a good cause. 0.99

00:31:23.000 You get away with shitty behavior and shitty interaction skills. 0.83

00:31:27.000 If someone's like, I'm geared towards, like, a lot of people are like, alright, well, what's going to be the liberal or conservative position? 0.95

00:31:33.000 And I identify as that, so I'm just going to go with that.

00:31:36.000 I don't really have even time to think about it, you know?

00:31:38.000 Which I probably don't.

00:31:39.000 And you just go with the liberal, like, that's just what it is.

00:31:41.000 It's just knee-jerk, whatever.

00:31:44.000 Well, I think it's really interesting comparing it to religion, comparing the mindset, cult mindset, religious mindset.

00:31:50.000 These are things that have to be true, right? 0.98

00:31:52.000 They just have specific things that are suddenly a gospel that must be true, and you must ignore all the fucking evidence. 0.98

00:32:00.000 That's what I used to do to not believe in evolution. 0.98

00:32:02.000 Right. 0.98

00:32:02.000 I would ignore the shit that's not, because there's no way what I believe can't be true. 0.98

00:32:06.000 I'm familiar with that. 0.99

00:32:07.000 Like this Rolling Stone article that came out where they were deceived.

00:32:12.000 By this woman who claimed to have been gang raped by a... 0.69

00:32:16.000 Oh, right.

00:32:16.000 Well, she set out to find how horrific...

00:32:18.000 By the way, that's a real problem that didn't get served too well by...

00:32:23.000 By someone making a fake story.

00:32:24.000 Making up the most outlandish story that I've ever heard.

00:32:27.000 Yeah.

00:32:28.000 And...

00:32:29.000 But that's the thing.

00:32:30.000 She set out to find, because she knew it to be true.

00:32:34.000 But you know what?

00:32:34.000 I don't get how...

00:32:35.000 I was watching Vice.

00:32:36.000 Did you see the Vice thing about it?

00:32:37.000 About Columbia?

00:32:39.000 They're talking about campus rape.

00:32:40.000 Like, how come the school gets to deal with it at all?

00:32:45.000 The only answer I heard was because convictions are hard to get in a court of law.

00:32:50.000 And that might be the only way to, I guess, convict a rapist.

00:32:55.000 But so what?

00:32:55.000 He gets expelled?

00:32:57.000 If someone raped you, that's a good enough punishment?

00:32:59.000 They just get expelled from school?

00:33:00.000 So is that really what happens?

00:33:01.000 Like they don't bring it to a criminal court?

00:33:03.000 If somebody knows, tell me.

00:33:05.000 Because I have no idea to this day why all these institutions, church or whatever, why is there anything where they handle it in-house?

00:33:11.000 I thought we all knew by now.

00:33:14.000 Molestations are handled outside.

00:33:16.000 Right?

00:33:16.000 Like, that just makes more sense.

00:33:17.000 That's interesting, because I always knew that they were accusing people, and they were expelling people, and they were judging people, whether or not it was based on all the evidence, or whether or not they were correct in their assuming that this person was guilty. 0.65

00:33:33.000 Like, this guy in the University of Virginia, he kind of got really fucked over this.

00:33:37.000 Now he's suing. 0.97

00:33:38.000 Right.

00:33:39.000 Yeah, but that's okay.

00:33:40.000 Let's say he was guilty.

00:33:41.000 That's justice?

00:33:42.000 He got expelled for rape? 1.00

00:33:44.000 That's your fucking sentence? 1.00

00:33:45.000 Like, how are you satisfied with that? 1.00

00:33:47.000 Yeah, how could they be satisfied with that?

00:33:48.000 Well, now he won't have a really good...

00:33:50.000 He'll have to go to another different school.

00:33:52.000 Like, what have you done to stop rape with that?

00:33:55.000 Expelling people?

00:33:56.000 Well, this is...

00:33:58.000 What I'm talking about is...

00:33:59.000 I'm getting my stories confused.

00:34:01.000 I'm talking about the kid who...

00:34:02.000 The kid who's suing is the kid who the girl is walking on the mattress. 0.65

00:34:05.000 You're talking about Mattress Girl.

00:34:06.000 Yeah.

00:34:07.000 He's suing.

00:34:07.000 He's suing for misandry.

00:34:09.000 Yeah.

00:34:10.000 That was...

00:34:10.000 I got confused.

00:34:11.000 The other story doesn't really have a real man that was accused of anything, right?

00:34:17.000 No, the Roy Stone one you're talking about?

00:34:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:34:19.000 Okay, I have no fucking footnotes. 0.99

00:34:22.000 Sorry for any of this. 0.97

00:34:23.000 But what I read was this girl was part of this anti-rape group and she had a crush on one of the guys.

00:34:30.000 I think?

00:34:58.000 Monica?

00:34:58.000 No.

00:34:59.000 Jan?

00:35:00.000 Yeah, she did a Jan Brady. 0.99

00:35:02.000 Monica's the older one, right? 0.96

00:35:03.000 Yeah, her fake boyfriend. 0.99

00:35:05.000 So then she comes and says, George Glass raped me, and all that shit, and it was to get attention from this guy. 0.99

00:35:11.000 She's like a weird chick, and she just got into it. 0.99

00:35:13.000 And so because they're inclined to automatically believe, they just are like, I don't know, but it was bothering them.

00:35:19.000 And the chick that wrote it... 1.00

00:35:21.000 It was bothering them.

00:35:21.000 Yes.

00:35:22.000 And this is an anti-rape group.

00:35:23.000 They were like, I don't know if Jackie's, like, telling the truth.

00:35:26.000 Oh, God.

00:35:27.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:35:28.000 But, listen, you gotta look it up, so...

00:35:30.000 I promise you I didn't dream it.

00:35:32.000 Oh, God.

00:35:34.000 Yeah, but there's just more to it.

00:35:35.000 I just don't want any cut and dry.

00:35:37.000 If somebody says they got raped, the answer is, well, take it very seriously. 0.79

00:35:41.000 It's not believe or don't believe.

00:35:43.000 It's like, well, let's really investigate this because that's an important thing to get to the bottom of.

00:35:47.000 And there's got to be really strong punishment for someone who uses false rape accusations.

00:35:53.000 I mean, are there in place?

00:35:56.000 What kind of punishment do they do? 0.66

00:35:58.000 Then the issue is, let's say you had to say you didn't get...

00:36:04.000 You know the numbers for women who lie about rape that are used usually by feminist websites where they're only like 2% or something of women? 1.00

00:36:13.000 That's a really bad number because that's counting women who have gone to the police and recanted their accusation.

00:36:19.000 So you don't know if those women were being pressured to do that. 1.00

00:36:22.000 It's not an accurate measure.

00:36:24.000 A liar is not going to go do that and say, I was lying about it. 0.99

00:36:28.000 So you're fucking real victims and also more liars are getting away with that system. 1.00

00:36:34.000 Let's just look at what that is. 1.00

00:36:36.000 That's 2 out of 100. 2% is 2 out of 100. That's not good odds.

00:36:44.000 Nobody knows is the real answer.

00:36:46.000 I'm just saying if you had a law to make it a really stiff penalty for women to lie about rape, I always watch it with that because I don't want someone, let's say a woman got pressured into saying she lied, to get swept up under a law like that.

00:36:59.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:36:59.000 Right.

00:36:59.000 That's why I'm against a death penalty because I don't want one guy who didn't do it to get fucked up.

00:37:03.000 Well, what I'm trying to say is under their numbers, if you have 20 guys and each one of those guys has had sex with five women, two of them have been falsely accused of rape. 0.99

00:37:13.000 That's crazy! 0.51

00:37:14.000 I'm not good at math, but I believe you.

00:37:16.000 That is crazy.

00:37:16.000 I'm not terrible at math, too.

00:37:18.000 Someone's probably out there screaming. 1.00

00:37:19.000 That's not how the numbers work, you fuck! 1.00

00:37:21.000 But it is how the numbers work, because we're talking about 100 people. 1.00

00:37:24.000 If there's 100 dudes, or 100 sexual cases, they're talking about 2%.

00:37:32.000 2% of these rape cases are falsely accused.

00:37:36.000 2%.

00:37:36.000 Well, listen man, I don't know...

00:37:38.000 You'd have to actually have a hundred rapes. 1.00

00:37:40.000 So I'm really not doing it right. 0.70

00:37:42.000 Because, like, you'd have to have a hundred rapes. 1.00

00:37:45.000 It's not like a hundred people had a 2% of sexual encounters.

00:37:50.000 Wow, how good is this weed I'm smoking?

00:37:51.000 It's very suspicious to calculate that much, Joe.

00:37:55.000 This is what's wrong with my idea.

00:37:56.000 But even then, okay, let's say if there is a hundred cases that are brought in front of the cops, right? 0.99

00:38:02.000 And out of a hundred of them, two of them are totally bullshit. 0.99

00:38:05.000 That's a lot. 0.99

00:38:06.000 Because they probably get how many a year?

00:38:08.000 So how many a year are you dealing with where people are being falsely accused and locked in a cage?

00:38:12.000 Is it as big of a deal as rape?

00:38:15.000 Of course not.

00:38:16.000 Of course not.

00:38:17.000 Is it way worse?

00:38:18.000 What, getting falsely accused?

00:38:19.000 There's probably way more actual rapes than false accused rapes.

00:38:24.000 Probably way more, right?

00:38:25.000 So rape is a way bigger issue than falsely accused rape.

00:38:29.000 But it doesn't mean that falsely accusing someone of rape is okay.

00:38:32.000 It's not like that.

00:38:33.000 Yeah, who says that? 0.99

00:38:33.000 That's a real fucking problem. 0.99

00:38:35.000 Well, they try to underplay it. 1.00

00:38:36.000 They try to make it out like it's not a big deal.

00:38:38.000 The people that are really trying to stop rape should be most concerned with making sure that false rape accusations are punished.

00:38:44.000 Because I make sure that you really highlight exactly what the actual problem is.

00:38:48.000 The real problem.

00:38:50.000 Wait, would you say be most concerned with that?

00:38:52.000 I think be most concerned with the law enforcement of it.

00:38:55.000 You know?

00:38:56.000 But let me ask you this, because I always, you know, one in four, that statistic seems very high, right?

00:39:02.000 One in four?

00:39:03.000 College-age women are raped, supposedly. 0.95

00:39:05.000 Is that what they say? 0.51

00:39:07.000 Well, listen, let me ask you, because in my personal life, I know a lot of people of both sexes who got sexually assaulted somehow.

00:39:14.000 Like, a lot, dude.

00:39:15.000 Right. 0.99

00:39:15.000 And, you know, part of that could be because I just hung out around drug people a lot, you know, that's how you meet people that got fucking sexually assaulted. 0.99

00:39:23.000 Right. 0.97

00:39:23.000 Or, it could be that the people that aren't in the bad circle like that are just lying about it and pretending that didn't happen to them. 0.97

00:39:30.000 So I don't know, like, maybe it is that high.

00:39:32.000 It's just there's no way to really tell.

00:39:34.000 Well, it all depends on what you consider sexual assault, and they sometimes try to make it as broad as possible. 0.99

00:39:41.000 Like, one of the, there's two really nutty, robot dick? 0.99

00:39:43.000 There's two really nutty things that they've tried to do recently. 0.99

00:39:48.000 One of them was, in New Jersey, they were trying to pass some law that made it, where if there was any deception involved that led to someone having sex with you, then it's rape. 0.67

00:39:57.000 I can't say I'm a big-time producer anymore to get laid? 0.92

00:40:00.000 Oh my god.

00:40:01.000 I can't tell women I'm a foot doctor anymore. 1.00

00:40:04.000 You'd be a rapist. 1.00

00:40:05.000 You'd become a rapist. 1.00

00:40:07.000 If that's the reason why the person had sex with you, under false pretext. 1.00

00:40:10.000 Well, if the lie was, I don't have AIDS, then I'd get it. 1.00

00:40:14.000 But other than that...

00:40:18.000 You know what it is, man? 0.99

00:40:19.000 It's like everybody makes sex such a fucking big deal. 0.99

00:40:22.000 That's a real part of the problem. 0.98

00:40:24.000 Is that sex, what everybody wants, the idea of pleasure between people, and part of it is because we don't wear any clothes.

00:40:30.000 Because we wear clothes, rather.

00:40:31.000 We cover everything up, and then the idea of like, getting at it.

00:40:34.000 Oh, it's underneath there.

00:40:36.000 Oh, I'm gonna get some.

00:40:37.000 And we make it out to be such a big deal, and it becomes like this overwhelming thing that like...

00:40:45.000 Sort of like infects people's consciousness. 0.95

00:40:48.000 We're fascinated by all aspects of it, whether it's rape, or whether it's abstinence, or whether it's monogamy, or whether it's being a whore. 0.99

00:41:00.000 It's like, blah! 1.00

00:41:01.000 We're just obsessed, obsessed with sex.

00:41:04.000 Yeah, well listen, right?

00:41:05.000 This is how my girlfriend put it, that reaps just like a very primal form of dominance. 1.00

00:41:10.000 Whoa.

00:41:10.000 And that's what a...

00:41:11.000 What a gal. 1.00

00:41:12.000 Yeah.

00:41:12.000 Yeah, she's smart, but that's what it is.

00:41:14.000 Like, my dog, my poor fucking dog got like... 1.00

00:41:16.000 That's an animal fucking thing that's in mammals, man. 1.00

00:41:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:41:21.000 It really is. 1.00

00:41:22.000 It certainly is.

00:41:23.000 But the only way I think you're ever going to stop it, the only way that really truly makes sense is you've got to figure out how to engineer better human beings.

00:41:31.000 Yeah, obviously.

00:41:31.000 It's the only way.

00:41:32.000 It's the only way. 0.99

00:41:32.000 But how the fuck do you do that? 0.99

00:41:34.000 How can you stop someone from having a kid? 0.99

00:41:35.000 It's kind of getting like...

00:41:37.000 Hopefully.

00:41:38.000 I don't think if people survive that it won't kind of get more civilized.

00:41:43.000 I think so too.

00:41:44.000 As long as everything keeps going. 0.98

00:41:46.000 Assuming it's not a fucking, you know, Mad Max thing. 0.98

00:41:49.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

00:41:50.000 Yeah, the preppers win.

00:41:52.000 Dude, I was in South Dakota.

00:41:54.000 This guy, I was doing this place in South Dakota, the something beach club.

00:41:57.000 It was actually a good show.

00:41:59.000 But the dude that booked me, or like the manager of the club, he drove us to Mount Rushmore.

00:42:04.000 And we were talking, and he was telling me that he's building a bunker.

00:42:08.000 And I was like, dude, don't you already live in a bunker called this South Dakota, right?

00:42:13.000 And it's for Jesus reasons, not Red Dawn reasons.

00:42:17.000 Jesus reasons.

00:42:18.000 So he thinks the second coming?

00:42:20.000 I mean, he's a real nice guy, too. 1.00

00:42:22.000 But I used to believe all that shit. 0.99

00:42:25.000 Not the second comic, but the end times and Armageddon. 0.99

00:42:29.000 And there's nowhere does it say you're going to be able to have a bunker and fucking, like, bunker your way out of it. 0.88

00:42:36.000 Well, you're going to use the Information that God has provided you to make sure that your family would be the only ones that survive much like Noah did see the internet is like the voice of God really tells you about the Impending return of Jesus kills kills everybody. 0.99

00:42:50.000 I'm surprised God wanted me to masturbate that much You know it's fucked if you if the second coming is coming that means Jesus gonna take you he's gonna take you up to heaven He thinks he won't be taken maybe and he thinks like he'll have to he's that bad that he'll probably have to hang out and go to heaven later and He's gonna have to just fuck these people that he's got imprisoned in his bunker. 0.99

00:43:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:11.000 Duncan Trussell met one of those dudes.

00:43:13.000 He went and visited this bomb shelter bunker thing under a mountain somewhere.

00:43:18.000 He drove deep into it.

00:43:20.000 We did this sci-fi show where he drove deep.

00:43:22.000 They have RVs down in there.

00:43:23.000 They have air supplies.

00:43:25.000 Not like the band. 0.99

00:43:26.000 Well, if you believe the fucking Bible, by the way, it says not even the mountains will hide any people. 0.99

00:43:32.000 So don't bother with your bunker. 1.00

00:43:34.000 Just read your fucking... 1.00

00:43:35.000 But that guy was a prepper. 1.00

00:43:36.000 He wasn't a Jesus banger.

00:43:38.000 Ah, well, that's smarter.

00:43:39.000 You grew up...

00:43:40.000 Jehovah's Witnesses, are they the ones that are not allowed to use doctors?

00:43:44.000 No, that's Christian sciences.

00:43:47.000 I'm not even sure what extent they're like that either, but that's not Jehovah's Witnesses, no.

00:43:51.000 So what is Jehovah's Witnesses, the ones that knock on everybody's doors? 1.00

00:43:54.000 Yeah.

00:43:54.000 Right?

00:43:55.000 And what was that religion like?

00:43:56.000 Probably the main doorknocker. 1.00

00:43:58.000 It was just fucking, uh... 0.98

00:43:59.000 You grew up in it? 0.99

00:44:00.000 It's a religion where you have to, like, do it.

00:44:02.000 So it's not like being... 0.99

00:44:04.000 Like, I would always envy Catholics, because you don't have to fucking do it. 1.00

00:44:07.000 Right, right. 0.99

00:44:08.000 They had, like, a cool, like...

00:44:10.000 Like, I had to, like, be in it.

00:44:12.000 You know?

00:44:12.000 All the time.

00:44:13.000 Yeah!

00:44:14.000 That's your primary goal, is to be ready for the end. 1.00

00:44:17.000 Most people that call themselves Catholic fucking never go to church. 0.99

00:44:20.000 Probably a big percentage. 1.00

00:44:21.000 They didn't kick out Michael Corleone, right?

00:44:23.000 Ever? 0.99

00:44:24.000 Like you're a murderer. 0.97

00:44:25.000 You have to leave.

00:44:26.000 Jesus forgives you.

00:44:27.000 You just gotta go to confession.

00:44:29.000 Talk about all those people that you killed.

00:44:31.000 It's a good system.

00:44:32.000 I give a hand job once in a while for that.

00:44:34.000 Did your parents grow up in it?

00:44:37.000 No.

00:44:37.000 My mom converted from Catholic when she was a teenager.

00:44:40.000 And my dad, my grandfather converted his family, my dad's family to him.

00:44:44.000 My dad was like 12. Wow.

00:44:46.000 Your grandfather.

00:44:47.000 So the grandfather took the father and the whole family, including your dad when he was already 12 years old, and said, come on, you're coming with me.

00:44:54.000 I'm joining a cult.

00:44:55.000 Yeah.

00:44:55.000 Well, my dad grew up really...

00:44:57.000 My grandfather built planes for World War II. Wow.

00:45:00.000 He was a fucking smart dude, so he was an engineer. 0.97

00:45:03.000 But he never went to college, and he was very anti-war, I guess, or something at the end of the war, and he was like, Jehovah's Witnesses don't get involved in politics or a war. 0.99

00:45:13.000 By the way, you cannot be a Christian and fight a war. 0.88

00:45:15.000 I don't know why people think you can, but you can't.

00:45:17.000 It's pretty clear about it. 0.97

00:45:19.000 People really believe God gives a fuck about their country, and it's so, like, in plain English, well... 0.98

00:45:25.000 I mean, it's an Aramaic book. 0.98

00:45:27.000 But it's like, it's a very clear teaching that he doesn't approve of any of the countries.

00:45:32.000 He's going to ruin all of them.

00:45:33.000 You just have to obey them until the end comes.

00:45:36.000 That's the extent of your obligation.

00:45:38.000 But you can't fight, like drop a bomb on another Christian for America. 0.99

00:45:42.000 How could that fucking go over? 0.99

00:45:45.000 Yeah, and if America was dropping bombs like Hiroshima and Nagasaki, they had to have a couple of Christians down there. 0.99

00:45:51.000 Of course they did.

00:45:52.000 Had to.

00:45:52.000 You think God forgives you for that?

00:45:54.000 Like, more than, uh, because you saved whatever? 0.99

00:45:56.000 Like, you didn't give a shit about your country. 0.99

00:45:58.000 So how did you bail on it? 0.99

00:46:01.000 I started reading... 1.00

00:46:02.000 Well, first of all, I was like an asshole. 0.99

00:46:04.000 I was just like, didn't want to do it. 0.99

00:46:06.000 You know?

00:46:07.000 I had that in me of like...

00:46:08.000 What kind of school did you go to?

00:46:10.000 I went to regular school.

00:46:10.000 I wasn't like homeschooled.

00:46:12.000 Some people do that in it.

00:46:13.000 Right.

00:46:13.000 But, you know...

00:46:14.000 So you didn't go to any cultural religious school? 0.99

00:46:15.000 I went to my prom and shit, you know? 0.99

00:46:17.000 Okay. 0.98

00:46:17.000 So it wasn't that super restrictive for me. 0.98

00:46:20.000 So it depends who your parents were.

00:46:21.000 Was it you going to school and talking to other kids that sort of led you off the path of God?

00:46:26.000 No, more, it was, uh, I went to college. 1.00

00:46:29.000 Oh, pussy. 1.00

00:46:30.000 I went to R.S. Yeah. 1.00

00:46:32.000 But the seeds, I'd already been reading, like, kind of skeptic shit on my lunch breaks at the Wiz. 0.95

00:46:39.000 I would buy these magazines at Barnes& Noble that were called skeptic. 0.94

00:46:43.000 So that was, like, a little foundation of it. 0.98

00:46:45.000 And then pussy later, when I got to college. 0.99

00:46:48.000 Wow. 1.00

00:46:48.000 I got pussied right out of that. 1.00

00:46:49.000 So, both things are good. 1.00

00:46:51.000 The reading was good, and then the pussy was good. 1.00

00:46:53.000 What is it like being like 1920 going, what the fuck did I think? 1.00

00:46:58.000 Oh, I felt really guilty, dude. 0.89

00:47:00.000 That's one of the reasons why you're probably good friends with Ari.

00:47:03.000 Yeah, I got along with him immediately.

00:47:05.000 You guys have the exact same story.

00:47:07.000 Yeah, I was technically a minister and he was supposed to be like a rabbi, right?

00:47:13.000 Dude, Ari lived in one of those crazy religious houses in Israel for a long time. 1.00

00:47:18.000 How many years?

00:47:19.000 I don't remember.

00:47:20.000 He talks, I don't always listen.

00:47:23.000 I just don't remember.

00:47:25.000 He definitely mumbles a lot.

00:47:28.000 It's hard to catch everything.

00:47:29.000 You gotta go, wait, what?

00:47:30.000 You lived in a what?

00:47:31.000 Say that again, clute!

00:47:33.000 What is that word?

00:47:35.000 But, you know, he was studying the Torah like 10 hours a day, like all day.

00:47:38.000 They would study the Torah.

00:47:40.000 And he was full gung-ho.

00:47:42.000 And then, you know, by the time...

00:47:43.000 When I met him, it was only like a few years after this, which is really crazy.

00:47:46.000 And I look back and think about it.

00:47:48.000 Like, he was not...

00:47:49.000 When he was first coming around to the Comedy Store, he was not that far removed from living in this crazy religious commune in Israel. 1.00

00:47:57.000 And by the way, you know, I'll tell you, nine-tenths of the problems, especially with this rape shit... 0.99

00:48:01.000 A lot of this horrible stuff about how victims get treated is straight out of the good book. 0.99

00:48:06.000 I mean, that's like a huge...

00:48:07.000 Do you remember the story of Dinah? 0.99

00:48:09.000 Did you ever study Bible shit when you were younger? 0.99

00:48:11.000 I only studied it in first grade. 0.99

00:48:13.000 First grade was the only year that I went to Catholic school.

00:48:15.000 And then second grade, I went to San Francisco.

00:48:20.000 So it was first grade and then second grade was like super hippies and gay people living next door. 0.86

00:48:27.000 Like I went from one extreme to a total difference.

00:48:29.000 Sodom and Gomorrah, right?

00:48:30.000 So I don't remember any of the biblical stories unless I looked them up as an adult.

00:48:34.000 I had my book of Bible stories.

00:48:36.000 Which I look back at, and the lessons are hilarious that we're in there.

00:48:40.000 So, like, Abraham's daughter, Dinah, or maybe Dina, I don't know how to pronounce these names.

00:48:44.000 Right.

00:48:45.000 But, uh, she was, uh, she made friends with, like, worldly girls, you know, from the city that weren't her same religion, right?

00:48:52.000 And she'd go hang out in the city.

00:48:53.000 And then this guy, Shechem, saw her and forced her to lie down with him. 0.98

00:48:57.000 Like, you know, she got raped. 0.86

00:48:59.000 But who knows? 0.97

00:48:59.000 He might have held her hand. 0.97

00:49:00.000 It's like ancient fucking, you know, Bronze Age Jew shit. 1.00

00:49:03.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:49:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:04.000 He might have held her hand.

00:49:05.000 So then he falls.

00:49:06.000 It might have been a microaggression.

00:49:08.000 He falls in love with her after he raves her and goes to Abraham and says, let me marry her, you know, which will preserve her honor.

00:49:15.000 Abraham's like, okay, fine, but your whole household has to get circumcised first, and then you can marry her. 1.00

00:49:21.000 He goes, fine, we'll all get our dicks snipped. 1.00

00:49:23.000 Okay, so while they are recovering from getting their dicks snipped, Dina's brothers are enraged by this. 0.99

00:49:31.000 Like, what is their sister? 1.00

00:49:32.000 A whore? 1.00

00:49:32.000 And they go and kill everyone in Shechem's household, like his whole family, while they're laid up from their dicks getting cut. 1.00

00:49:38.000 And then Abraham's like, what did you just do to us? 0.99

00:49:41.000 Now people are going to hate us.

00:49:44.000 It's like one of those things about how Jews are going to be in trouble now because of something you did.

00:49:47.000 And he goes, now people will be hated wherever we go because of this thing you have done.

00:49:52.000 So the lesson that you get from it in my book of Bible stories is like, all of this happened because Dina chose poor associates.

00:50:03.000 That's the lesson of the story. 1.00

00:50:04.000 This dumb bitch should stay home. 1.00

00:50:06.000 So that's getting torn out of the fucking Bible. 1.00

00:50:09.000 And so, listen, that's why I always hear like patriarchy. 1.00

00:50:12.000 I'm against that shit, too. 1.00

00:50:14.000 Like that ancient Bible-y patriarchy shit, I'm not for that. 1.00

00:50:17.000 I'm kind of like, would be 90% with a lot of this shit if they didn't have such a thought crimes unit. 1.00

00:50:23.000 Exactly. 0.97

00:50:24.000 That's the thing about this whole social justice warrior movement, is that in looking for people that have...

00:50:31.000 That have been guilty of these transgressions, they've missed a lot of allies.

00:50:36.000 They've missed people that are on their side, like you, like me, like a lot of people. 0.99

00:50:39.000 And they're trying to make assholes out of people. 0.99

00:50:42.000 And they're doing it. 1.00

00:50:43.000 The vast majority of the people that are involved in this really aggressive social justice warrior shit, they're fucking depressed, man. 1.00

00:50:50.000 They're really depressed people. 1.00

00:50:51.000 You'll go through their timeline. 1.00

00:50:53.000 It's almost without fail when I read some really ridiculous, over-the-top, hyper-aggressive social justice warrior shit. 1.00

00:50:59.000 I'll go to their fucking Twitter profile and I'll find some depressed shit. 1.00

00:51:04.000 I'll find some tweets about depression. 1.00

00:51:06.000 I'll find some tweets about how everything sucks today. 0.83

00:51:11.000 I see what's going on. 0.88

00:51:13.000 You're lashing out at the world through a legitimate cause.

00:51:17.000 Well, don't take your personal thing, right?

00:51:20.000 Exactly.

00:51:20.000 And say, like, I'm every woman.

00:51:22.000 No, you're not.

00:51:22.000 But see, if you can find enough of those people and you get together, then you feel like you're alright.

00:51:27.000 Because you're around a bunch of other fuckheads. 0.99

00:51:29.000 You don't even need that many. 1.00

00:51:30.000 You don't need that many.

00:51:31.000 That Catholic guy, what's his name?

00:51:32.000 Michael Donahue?

00:51:33.000 Mm-hmm.

00:51:34.000 It's just him and, like, his cousin or something.

00:51:36.000 Right.

00:51:36.000 Our league.

00:51:37.000 Our league.

00:51:39.000 Like, it doesn't take that much.

00:51:41.000 But it used to be, remember, it was church crazies that would write these letters.

00:51:44.000 Yeah.

00:51:44.000 Like, please take something off the air.

00:51:46.000 And now, it's fucking, uh, it's like young college kids. 0.99

00:51:50.000 That's insane. 1.00

00:51:51.000 Well, yeah, they literally just taken the exact same position that that fucking Michael, whatever the fuck his name, guy is. 0.99

00:51:58.000 I've heard that guy talk on Opie and Anthony before, the Catholic League guy. 0.99

00:52:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:52:02.000 I've heard that guy talk on Opie and Anthony and defend Catholicism.

00:52:05.000 It's like, what are you talking about?

00:52:08.000 You're mad at someone making fun of Catholicism?

00:52:11.000 It's one of the most easily made fun of religions of all time.

00:52:14.000 Dude, I asked him this on that show.

00:52:16.000 I'm like, because I was a Christian.

00:52:17.000 I'm like, you know, you're supposed to rejoice when you are persecuted, right?

00:52:22.000 That's what Christ said.

00:52:23.000 They're going to persecute you like they did me, so rejoice.

00:52:27.000 So you're supposed to be happy about it because it means you're doing the right thing.

00:52:31.000 And you're not supposed to go, how dare you?

00:52:33.000 You're a Christian.

00:52:34.000 Christians turn the other cheek. 1.00

00:52:36.000 You don't fucking... 1.00

00:52:37.000 So what did he say to that? 1.00

00:52:38.000 He just kind of ignored it.

00:52:39.000 I don't think it's about that for him.

00:52:41.000 It's about publicity.

00:52:42.000 Yeah, it's publicity and being part of a club. 0.99

00:52:45.000 It's just all football team shit everybody does. 0.99

00:52:47.000 And endorsements. 0.99

00:52:48.000 I mean, because they really get paid a lot of money by other Catholics who want to support Catholicism. 1.00

00:52:52.000 I have a friend who's a Catholic and he's got a lot of money and he's fucking crazy as shit. 1.00

00:52:55.000 And he has a priest come over his house. 1.00

00:52:57.000 When he buys a new house, a priest comes over and does like a fucking... 1.00

00:53:00.000 A whole seance and shit or something. 0.99

00:53:02.000 I mean, they have some sort of a thing they do. 0.99

00:53:05.000 I don't know what the fuck they call it. 0.99

00:53:06.000 It's voodoo. 1.00

00:53:07.000 It's all voodoo. 0.99

00:53:07.000 No, I'm real Catholic. 0.99

00:53:08.000 He gives 10% of his money to church.

00:53:10.000 The whole thing's a disaster.

00:53:11.000 Oh, he tithes.

00:53:12.000 Yeah, and they have him involved in all sorts of church projects, and they're just sucking money out of this dude. 1.00

00:53:17.000 It's a goddamn cult. 1.00

00:53:19.000 It's 100% cult. 1.00

00:53:20.000 Well, here's how I judge them.

00:53:21.000 All religions is how much does it cost, okay? 0.99

00:53:24.000 Yeah.

00:53:25.000 And then does God do his own killing or do I have to do his killing?

00:53:29.000 Yeah.

00:53:30.000 And then my personal thing is if I have to stay in it more for my mom or my dad.

00:53:34.000 Like my religion, my mom was the reason I had to stay for a while more than my dad.

00:53:38.000 But if I was from like a harsher place, it would be like your father's honor.

00:53:43.000 You can't leave because that's like a more primitive...

00:53:46.000 That's how you know it's kind of primitive.

00:53:48.000 But if it doesn't cost that much, then fine.

00:53:50.000 And if there's no violence, once you take the violence part out of it, like nationalism or whatever, it's a lot less threatening.

00:53:59.000 It's more voluntary.

00:54:01.000 Now, the kind of shitty thing is that they will stop talking to you if you leave, right?

00:54:05.000 So you have to face being shunned or something.

00:54:08.000 I was disfellowshipped, right?

00:54:09.000 So that means a lot of my former friends can't talk to me.

00:54:12.000 Or they would be in trouble for talking to an apostate.

00:54:15.000 You were fellowshiped?

00:54:17.000 Disfellowshipped. 1.00

00:54:18.000 Disfellowshipped. 1.00

00:54:19.000 Yeah, it's like disconnection in Scientology.

00:54:22.000 Wow.

00:54:23.000 Except it's not as harsh as, you know, like I still speak to my mom, like it's not like...

00:54:28.000 Is she mad at you?

00:54:30.000 No, not now.

00:54:32.000 She was mad initially. 0.98

00:54:33.000 Does she ever listen to reason that it might be horseshit? 1.00

00:54:35.000 Yeah, but I don't want to fucking talk her out of her shit. 1.00

00:54:38.000 Really? 1.00

00:54:39.000 First of all, that judge has taken up a lot of slack of hanging out with my mom and listening to her shit. 1.00

00:54:45.000 Okay? 1.00

00:54:45.000 God bless that. 1.00

00:54:47.000 I don't want to lose that.

00:54:48.000 I got to pick up.

00:54:49.000 How was the soup I sent?

00:54:51.000 I don't want to have those calls.

00:54:52.000 Oh, Christ.

00:54:53.000 I'm going to send you some $2 bills. 1.00

00:54:57.000 Like weirdo mom shit. 0.99

00:54:59.000 She called me up to tell me she's at a hotel and was going to send me and my girlfriend, they had these jelly beans in a bowl. 1.00

00:55:05.000 She's like, what's your address? 0.99

00:55:06.000 I'm going to send you some jelly beans from this fucking bowl in the hotel lobby. 1.00

00:55:11.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

00:55:12.000 Yeah.

00:55:13.000 That's hilarious.

00:55:14.000 So you bailed.

00:55:15.000 You can't talk to them anymore.

00:55:17.000 And what was the process?

00:55:19.000 Did you have to fill out paperwork?

00:55:21.000 Or did you say, oh, yo.

00:55:21.000 I just stopped going.

00:55:22.000 But I think my mom wanted me to write a letter.

00:55:24.000 I'm like, I don't owe an explanation.

00:55:26.000 A letter?

00:55:26.000 Like a letter to the church?

00:55:27.000 A resignation.

00:55:28.000 Wow.

00:55:29.000 I'm like, I don't owe that. 1.00

00:55:30.000 I put in my time of being bored at that fucking church. 0.99

00:55:33.000 I don't owe them a letter. 0.99

00:55:34.000 Don't notice I'm gone.

00:55:36.000 How old were you when you wrapped it up?

00:55:38.000 19. Wow.

00:55:40.000 Oh, no, wait, maybe I was 20. That's a good time, though.

00:55:44.000 That 19, 20 time, just becoming a man.

00:55:46.000 Basically becoming a man.

00:55:47.000 Like you're on the door.

00:55:49.000 You're at the door.

00:55:50.000 21, you're like officially a man.

00:55:51.000 I was kind of declawed, you know, before I had to go live in the world.

00:55:54.000 Yeah.

00:55:55.000 That's, you know, they teach you to not be worldly.

00:55:58.000 That's what you're learning to be.

00:55:59.000 And how so?

00:56:01.000 Like you be as babes unto the world. 0.96

00:56:03.000 Like Paul said, you have to be, you know, like when you see people that just came out of a cult, there's a certain kind of innocence to them. 0.99

00:56:10.000 So when I came out, it was always like these kind of real slutty girls that would fuck me, like real experienced girls. 1.00

00:56:16.000 And that was my appeal to them, was kind of my fucking foster kid, you know. 1.00

00:56:20.000 That makes sense. 0.99

00:56:21.000 Yeah.

00:56:21.000 I was with a lot of either a stripper or some kind of sex worker where we were foster kids together.

00:56:28.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:56:30.000 Like you took care of each other.

00:56:31.000 Yeah, they would treat me like not a John. 0.99

00:56:34.000 They'd treat me like the weird James Woods from Casino that for some reason they could never get away from this loser. 0.98

00:56:42.000 Oh, that's right. 0.99

00:56:43.000 Yeah, I didn't make any money for the whole fucking... 0.97

00:56:45.000 I just had girlfriends that I had to just live off of. 0.97

00:56:49.000 It was not good.

00:56:50.000 So this is when you first got out of the church?

00:56:52.000 When I first got to New Orleans.

00:56:54.000 When did you start doing stand-up?

00:56:55.000 In college.

00:56:56.000 So you went from the church to living in New York with strippers?

00:56:59.000 No, first I was in Philly.

00:57:00.000 Okay.

00:57:01.000 No, well, my girlfriend at the time in college.

00:57:04.000 Okay.

00:57:04.000 But she's a stripper.

00:57:05.000 I met her.

00:57:06.000 And then she became like a comic. 0.99

00:57:09.000 But I was with her for maybe like six years.

00:57:12.000 Right.

00:57:12.000 But we were engaged.

00:57:13.000 But I didn't have a job.

00:57:14.000 And I refused to get a job the whole time.

00:57:17.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

00:57:17.000 I was just a piece of shit, dude. 1.00

00:57:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:57:19.000 Wow. 1.00

00:57:19.000 Because I'm like, I'm a comic. 1.00

00:57:21.000 Whoa.

00:57:21.000 You just said you were a comic, that's it?

00:57:23.000 Yeah.

00:57:23.000 How many years had you been doing it then?

00:57:26.000 Not enough to do any of that.

00:57:28.000 A year?

00:57:28.000 Two years?

00:57:29.000 No, maybe like three or four years.

00:57:31.000 Three or four, but you just weren't making any money yet.

00:57:33.000 And then I ended up with this girl who was older than me and made kind of good money. 0.97

00:57:37.000 And she liked it better when I didn't have money. 0.98

00:57:40.000 When I started to get more shit, that put a strain because she got really upset. 0.99

00:57:44.000 Because then you became threatening. 0.99

00:57:44.000 Yeah, she didn't want me to be out of that kind of control zone. 0.99

00:57:48.000 Yeah, I dated a girl once and we broke up and she dated this guy and she was very specific about why she was with him.

00:57:56.000 And I go, why?

00:57:57.000 And she goes, she's never gonna fucking break up with me. 0.97

00:58:00.000 And I was like, really? 0.97

00:58:01.000 She goes, yeah.

00:58:02.000 I mean, he's great and all.

00:58:03.000 I like him.

00:58:04.000 But I'm better looking than he is.

00:58:06.000 She was really adamant about it.

00:58:09.000 I was like, wow. 0.99

00:58:09.000 So fucking weird, man. 0.99

00:58:10.000 I was like, you engineered the control position in your relationship. 0.99

00:58:14.000 You're tired of not being in control in relationships.

00:58:17.000 Tired of men leaving you or what have you.

00:58:19.000 And you're like, this is it. 1.00

00:58:20.000 But she would get drunk and want to fuck all her ex-boyfriends. 1.00

00:58:23.000 She was just a maniac. 1.00

00:58:24.000 Which is always how that goes.

00:58:26.000 One thing about my girlfriend now, I really... 0.99

00:58:30.000 It kind of upped my fucking who I am a little bit because now I would never be in another bullshit like psycho relationship like I'm just not gonna settle for that right I'll be fucking alone. 0.98

00:58:40.000 I don't give a shit right like so that kind of taught me to Because I met somebody that like I really got along with that I thought was like You know like I don't know just got me so I was like oh I don't have to be in these things anymore right because I have so low self-esteem that I'm like well this person wants to fuck me in and Stay with me. 0.99

00:58:58.000 I should stay with them. 0.99

00:59:00.000 It becomes one of those things where sometimes you don't even know who you are if you're in a bad relationship because the way you're reacting to this person is part of who you are. 1.00

00:59:07.000 No, it makes you a different fucking person. 1.00

00:59:08.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:59:09.000 Yeah, if you're in a good relationship and you realize, like, oh, wow, these are possible.

00:59:13.000 But until you get in one, like, some people go through their entire life birth to death without hitting gold. 1.00

00:59:18.000 They chip away at that fucking mind. 1.00

00:59:19.000 Are you digging into another Chibachu? 1.00

00:59:21.000 Part of it.

00:59:22.000 You're a bold man.

00:59:23.000 Well, I only had a quarter before.

00:59:23.000 You're a very, very bold man.

00:59:26.000 That's pretty good.

00:59:27.000 Now, uh, do you feel sad when you go back home?

00:59:30.000 Home to where?

00:59:31.000 My mom's house?

00:59:34.000 No, back home to New York, where you don't have to, uh, you can't get your weed that easy.

00:59:38.000 Oh my god, dude.

00:59:39.000 Ari Shaffir tells me it's a nightmare.

00:59:41.000 Thank god Ari sometimes has something. 1.00

00:59:44.000 I wish I could get shit like this there. 0.99

00:59:47.000 Yeah, I have to, like, hide like an animal to smoke weed. 0.99

00:59:51.000 Yeah, you do have to hide like an animal, right?

00:59:53.000 Dude, in Seattle, I was smoking in front of a cop. 0.99

00:59:56.000 Like this ridiculous glass, like a wizard pipe. 0.97

01:00:00.000 It was a good day, officer. 0.86

01:00:01.000 It was so relaxing.

01:00:03.000 It was a pipe you would never bring outside.

01:00:05.000 I wonder when that's going to be the entire country.

01:00:08.000 Because like in New Orleans, apparently, you could just drink on the street.

01:00:11.000 We had a driver in New Orleans.

01:00:12.000 He was telling me once he was outside of New Orleans, he was doing something.

01:00:15.000 And he was talking to the cop, and the cop was asking him a question, and he had a beer in his hand.

01:00:19.000 And he was just talking to the cop, and he didn't realize the cop was talking to him because he had a beer in his hand.

01:00:24.000 So he finishes the beer, and then he cracks open a second one. 1.00

01:00:27.000 The cop goes, are you fucking retarded? 1.00

01:00:29.000 And the cop goes, where are you from? 1.00

01:00:31.000 And he goes, New Orleans.

01:00:33.000 And he's like, oh, okay. 1.00

01:00:35.000 Listen, dude, you can't do that shit in other places. 1.00

01:00:38.000 This is the only place where you can do that. 1.00

01:00:39.000 What else happened to this definitely white man?

01:00:45.000 Nothing.

01:00:45.000 Not even a slap on the wrist.

01:00:47.000 They told him to put his beer back in the bag.

01:00:50.000 And the timely officer asked him to cool it a little bit.

01:00:53.000 But you get used to that. 1.00

01:00:55.000 And, you know, if you did what you did in Seattle, in some parts of the country, they would fuck you over, man. 1.00

01:01:01.000 They would put you in a cage. 1.00

01:01:02.000 If you were in parts of Georgia, they'll fuck you over. 1.00

01:01:04.000 I know, they're not cool about it in Georgia. 0.96

01:01:06.000 Is there any places that have open container laws?

01:01:09.000 Because I remember growing up, people were like, oh, you're allowed to drink if you're not driving.

01:01:13.000 You could have it in the back seat.

01:01:15.000 And then I went to another place and did that and got in trouble for having an open container.

01:01:21.000 And they're like, no, you can't do that.

01:01:22.000 Yeah, well, it used to be okay everywhere.

01:01:25.000 People used to literally have a beer in their lap when they drove around.

01:01:28.000 And so many people were crashed into each other. 0.99

01:01:30.000 They go, okay, you can't have a fucking open container. 0.85

01:01:32.000 I love how long that took to fix that too, to put it together. 1.00

01:01:35.000 That was normal shit, man. 0.99

01:01:36.000 What do you mean I can't drink while I'm driving? 1.00

01:01:39.000 Literally, that was normal shit a long time ago. 0.98

01:01:42.000 In the 70s, right? 0.99

01:01:43.000 That changed in the 70s.

01:01:44.000 I don't know when they started incorporating drunk driving laws, and I don't know.

01:01:47.000 Because a bunch of people got killed, and they didn't really have a strong...

01:01:50.000 No, I'm not saying I don't know why.

01:01:51.000 I said I don't know when.

01:01:53.000 Oh, when.

01:01:53.000 And I wonder what they did.

01:01:55.000 At first, I guess, it was just testing your movement.

01:01:58.000 And then they figured out breathalyzers, and then they moved on from there. 1.00

01:02:02.000 Damn. 0.99

01:02:03.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:02:04.000 I can't stand fucking drunks. 1.00

01:02:06.000 It's so annoying to deal with, like... 1.00

01:02:08.000 Because I don't really drink that much, dude.

01:02:10.000 I'm more of just like a Ponham. 0.94

01:02:11.000 Yeah, drunk is the worst. 0.99

01:02:13.000 I mean, potheads can absolutely be annoying, but they're not as violent and intrusive and retarded. 1.00

01:02:20.000 Well, intrusive, that's the big one, the standing real close to you. 0.98

01:02:24.000 Oh, God.

01:02:25.000 When you're out somewhere and a drunk person just interrupts a conversation, just gets in your face and starts talking at you, and you're like, oh, God. 1.00

01:02:33.000 And if you try to avoid them, you're the asshole. 1.00

01:02:36.000 Yeah, I'm telling you, that's my least favorite thing. 1.00

01:02:38.000 It's the worst drug.

01:02:39.000 It's one of the worst drugs, but it's fun if you can manage it, if you can handle it correctly.

01:02:43.000 I mean, get an eight ball at least and even out like a gentleman.

01:02:47.000 Like a gentleman.

01:02:48.000 Get an eight ball and even out like a gentleman.

01:02:49.000 If you're gonna get that drunk, at least, you know, can...

01:02:53.000 Even out like a gentleman.

01:02:55.000 Pull yourself up by your bootstraps with a...

01:02:57.000 I had a buddy who used to do a lot of coke, and he was to always drink 40s after he did coke.

01:03:02.000 Like, he would smoke it, and then he would, like, his heart would be like...

01:03:06.000 I used to have to take him to the liquor store and he'd buy like Old English. 0.94

01:03:09.000 You remember those bags of, you get a fucking 40 ounce of Old English. 0.64

01:03:13.000 You ever try that stuff? 0.98

01:03:14.000 Yeah.

01:03:15.000 It's unbelievably strong.

01:03:17.000 Yeah.

01:03:17.000 Like, I don't know.

01:03:18.000 They call it malt liquor because it's not really beer, right?

01:03:22.000 Is that the idea?

01:03:23.000 I don't know.

01:03:23.000 Is that what it is?

01:03:24.000 I think it is beer, but I think it's just made different.

01:03:26.000 It's made stronger.

01:03:28.000 Stronger.

01:03:29.000 What do you think the alcohol by volume is, unlike malt liquor?

01:03:32.000 What is a Budweiser?

01:03:36.000 I have no idea.

01:03:39.000 Well, it's different in America than it is in Canada.

01:03:42.000 In Canada, it's like 9%.

01:03:43.000 I think in the U.S., it's like 7%.

01:03:45.000 But what percentage is malt liquor?

01:03:49.000 Did you hear what happens when you ask Siri what zero divided by zero is?

01:03:54.000 No.

01:03:55.000 Siri, what's zero divided by zero?

01:03:59.000 Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends.

01:04:03.000 How many cookies does each person get?

01:04:05.000 See, it doesn't make sense.

01:04:08.000 And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies.

01:04:10.000 And you are sad that you have no friends.

01:04:13.000 That's real? 1.00

01:04:14.000 Siri's a cunt. 1.00

01:04:17.000 Siri's such a mean bitch. 1.00

01:04:19.000 The term includes any alcoholic beverage with 5% or more alcohol by volume made with malted barley. 1.00

01:04:27.000 So, it's just another way of saying beer, I guess.

01:04:29.000 Yeah, I used to drink Mad Dog 2020, I think it's called, and then that was my drink.

01:04:34.000 Yeah, I had Mad Dog 2020, that and Old English.

01:04:37.000 We were drinking those.

01:04:39.000 I watched, you ever see that movie Superfly?

01:04:42.000 Oh yeah, back in the day.

01:04:43.000 Me and my friend John, when we were just starting out as comics, we got hammered on Old English and Mad Dog 2020 and those 40-ounce liquors and watched Superfly.

01:04:54.000 I remember being shocked at how strong it was.

01:04:58.000 I don't know how much Old English has.

01:05:01.000 Let's find out.

01:05:02.000 How much would you think Old English has?

01:05:06.000 Let's go with 8%.

01:05:09.000 8%.

01:05:10.000 Yeah, I bet it's around that.

01:05:12.000 What proof is that?

01:05:14.000 What is it?

01:05:16.000 That's it?

01:05:17.000 Steel Reserve.

01:05:19.000 Mickey's.

01:05:20.000 I used to drink Mickey's a lot. 1.00

01:05:23.000 Still, Steel Reserve is the motherfucker. 1.00

01:05:24.000 That's 8%. 1.00

01:05:25.000 What else? 0.99

01:05:29.000 What else is fucked up? 0.99

01:05:30.000 St. Ides. 0.99

01:05:31.000 That's 820. Natty Daddy.

01:05:34.000 Have you had that Bud Light lime margarita?

01:05:37.000 No, what's that?

01:05:39.000 It's pretty good.

01:05:40.000 King Cobra is only six, huh?

01:05:42.000 Sounds like heartburn to me.

01:05:43.000 I would have thought King Cobra would be off the charts.

01:05:46.000 What is King Cobra?

01:05:48.000 King Cobra's a malt liquor.

01:05:50.000 It's a premium.

01:05:51.000 Six.

01:05:52.000 Oh, yeah.

01:05:53.000 I would have thought it'd be more, too.

01:05:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:05:55.000 I would have thought it would have fucked you up. 0.99

01:05:57.000 Is that just because the advertising was done with that black guy from Star Wars? 0.98

01:06:01.000 Remember that?

01:06:01.000 Billy Dee Williams.

01:06:02.000 Yeah, Billy Dee Williams.

01:06:03.000 Was he King Cobra?

01:06:04.000 Was it Cole 45?

01:06:04.000 No, he was Cole 45. Oh, he was Cole 45. How much does Cole 45 have?

01:06:10.000 Cole 45, gravity lager.

01:06:12.000 Five, six...

01:06:14.000 What is 10?

01:06:15.000 Evil Eye is 10. Jesus Christ.

01:06:17.000 And Camp Black Ice.

01:06:19.000 Camo Black Ice.

01:06:20.000 Oh, Camo.

01:06:21.000 I thought it said camp. 1.00

01:06:23.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

01:06:24.000 12? 1.00

01:06:25.000 Wow.

01:06:26.000 Stack high-gravity lager is 12. Oh my god.

01:06:29.000 We should get some of that and have a drunk cast. 1.00

01:06:33.000 We need to get some of that.

01:06:35.000 Stack high-gravity lager.

01:06:38.000 Jamie, you need to go to Compton and find out where they're selling that, because they don't sell that in white neighborhoods. 0.88

01:06:43.000 You need to go do some research for the show.

01:06:46.000 It's very important. 0.99

01:06:48.000 Robot dick. 0.99

01:06:49.000 I know. 1.00

01:06:49.000 I can't help it. 1.00

01:06:50.000 Do you smoke cigarettes also?

01:06:52.000 No.

01:06:52.000 You gave up?

01:06:53.000 Yeah, I just used to.

01:06:54.000 What nicotine level is that?

01:06:57.000 Six.

01:06:57.000 Six?

01:06:58.000 Yeah.

01:06:59.000 That's better.

01:06:59.000 That is six.

01:07:00.000 I don't wake up.

01:07:00.000 You know, you have a unique perspective coming from a really crazy religious background like that as a comic.

01:07:06.000 Because you kind of see where the pitfalls of thinking lie because you were indoctrinated in them from a young age.

01:07:12.000 I have a strong reaction to them.

01:07:16.000 Something really bugs me if I encounter it again.

01:07:18.000 Well, that's one of the things that you and I share this opinion of a lot of what's going on, what people would like to call social justice warriors, that it is really kind of a religious thing.

01:07:30.000 It's a very similar thing.

01:07:32.000 It's not an even, objective approach that a lot of people are taking this thing.

01:07:36.000 It's this gang mentality, pile-on ideology.

01:07:39.000 Well, there's some things I have to take Take on faith with it, that I'm not just going to take on faith, okay?

01:07:43.000 And that's really just the bottom line.

01:07:47.000 Yeah, taking things on faith.

01:07:49.000 Across the board is bad.

01:07:50.000 I don't mind if it's a little more challenged to get my jokes over.

01:07:54.000 That just makes me better.

01:07:55.000 So I don't have a problem with that at all.

01:07:57.000 I like trying to get around that.

01:07:59.000 I think that makes it funnier.

01:08:00.000 But don't then make it like I can't work if I fuck up in the cause of trying to do that, right?

01:08:06.000 Right. 0.66

01:08:07.000 Well, I think that a gangster movie is a legitimate art form.

01:08:10.000 The Soprano Everyone knows it's a legitimate art form.

01:08:13.000 Well, guess what?

01:08:14.000 Someone doing obviously tongue-in-cheek misogynist material is a legitimate art form as well.

01:08:20.000 You can't say that Dice Clay is not a legitimate artist.

01:08:23.000 Wasn't it the thing that people just didn't know it was a character? 0.72

01:08:28.000 You think a lot of that shit against him was people didn't realize he was doing a character? 0.95

01:08:32.000 Of course they realized it. 0.99

01:08:33.000 They were just looking to be upset.

01:08:35.000 Because I was a kid when he was out, and I remember not knowing that that was a character.

01:08:39.000 Well, you were a kid, though.

01:08:41.000 Right. 0.99

01:08:41.000 If you're old enough to pay taxes, you should know Dice Clay's fucking around. 0.99

01:08:44.000 I think people are dumb. 1.00

01:08:46.000 Big fat fucking ass! 1.00

01:08:49.000 I think he's a great artist. 1.00

01:08:51.000 Well, that was because that thing with Nora Dunn, where she was like, you know, I think she's about to be off the show, so she did that stunt of not coming on, and the rest of the cast was mad at her, like, so what are we, the woman haters, because we did the show with Dice?

01:09:03.000 Oh, that's right.

01:09:04.000 That's one of the things that fucked him up. 0.98

01:09:06.000 Whatever.

01:09:07.000 That movie's great, Ford Fairlane.

01:09:08.000 I love that movie.

01:09:09.000 What fucked him up was there was no internet back then.

01:09:12.000 That's what fucked him up.

01:09:14.000 When you get banned from MTV like he did, you have no recourse. 0.89

01:09:18.000 There's nothing to do.

01:09:19.000 Oh, you're right. 0.99

01:09:19.000 He could have been on the fucking internet. 0.99

01:09:21.000 Well, they can blackball you. 1.00

01:09:22.000 They could back then.

01:09:23.000 They can't really blackball you anymore. 0.61

01:09:25.000 Because you go, all right, I'm starting the Dice Clay Podcast!

01:09:29.000 Oh! 0.60

01:09:30.000 Over here with the mic! 0.92

01:09:32.000 I like that he has an album of him bombing.

01:09:35.000 Oh, it's one of the best albums. 0.99

01:09:37.000 And it's Rick Rubin fucking produced it. 1.00

01:09:39.000 That's a great fucking album. 1.00

01:09:40.000 And he called it The Day the Laughter Die. 1.00

01:09:41.000 Yeah.

01:09:42.000 It's a very interesting thing that I have never...

01:09:45.000 What other comic has that?

01:09:46.000 It's a two-disc set.

01:09:48.000 It's just two discs.

01:09:49.000 Never heard that.

01:09:50.000 It's great.

01:09:50.000 It's awful, though.

01:09:51.000 He's bombing.

01:09:52.000 This guy gets up in the middle of his set, and he goes, You're about as funny as a glass of milk.

01:09:57.000 Ha! 0.89

01:09:59.000 Guys, because he wasn't announced and he showed up at Dangerfields, which is, you know, one of the dingiest little clubs in New York City.

01:10:07.000 It looks like where Count Jocula was buried.

01:10:10.000 That club doesn't make any sense, because it's named after one of the all-time great stand-up comedians, and it's always filled with hacks, and it's empty most of the time.

01:10:18.000 But there was a few great comics that worked there, like Otto and George.

01:10:22.000 I did sets there with Otto and George during the prom season, when they would rotate the people in one after the other after the other.

01:10:29.000 So there was always a few comics, but there was also a few that were hanging around there that didn't work anywhere else.

01:10:35.000 It was like the Comedy Store in the 90s, when the Comedy Store had these You're right.

01:10:40.000 Yeah, I remember that.

01:10:41.000 I remember like the very last of them.

01:10:44.000 Remember Nancy? 0.99

01:10:46.000 Fuck, she was a host there. 1.00

01:10:48.000 She was nice. 1.00

01:10:49.000 She had a bow tongue. 1.00

01:10:50.000 Very nice. 0.81

01:10:50.000 What the hell was her name? 0.81

01:10:51.000 It was Nancy something.

01:10:52.000 I know she was like a holdover from the old debt of that crew.

01:10:56.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:10:57.000 She told me how to get like health insurance if you couldn't, didn't, you know.

01:11:01.000 Oh, wow.

01:11:02.000 Did you ever meet Bobby?

01:11:04.000 Was Bobby gone by the time you got there?

01:11:06.000 Who's he?

01:11:07.000 Bobby was the big Scottish guy that was a doorman?

01:11:09.000 No, Chario was there.

01:11:11.000 Oh, okay.

01:11:11.000 By the way, there's no, like, you know, the comedy clubs that have, like, hot waitresses.

01:11:15.000 It was just all old men, like a fucking steakhouse. 1.00

01:11:18.000 With tuxedos. 1.00

01:11:19.000 Like, steakhouse tuxedos on.

01:11:20.000 Yeah.

01:11:21.000 Yeah. 0.76

01:11:21.000 And that's how Bobby was and Bobby was his giant power lifter and he used to have a he'd have to have like some ridiculous Seen, you know, they would have to like tailor his shit because he was a mountain of a man He was only about 5'8", but he was probably about 230 pounds. 0.76

01:11:35.000 He was fucking enormous Just big dick fucking tank of a guy and he would literally grab people by their neck and pick them up Like lift them up and carry them out. 0.99

01:11:46.000 I saw him do it He just grabbed this guy carried about he was funnier than any of the comedians Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:11:51.000 He was hilarious. 0.99

01:11:52.000 And he was, right before you go on stage, he goes, I guess you're gonna go try to trick him with that bag of shite act of yours. 1.00

01:11:59.000 And like, you would kill. 1.00

01:12:01.000 And he goes, look at that. 1.00

01:12:02.000 You tricked another group of assholes. 1.00

01:12:05.000 But he was funny when he was saying it. 1.00

01:12:07.000 Right, right. 0.99

01:12:07.000 He was fucking with you, but he was funny. 0.99

01:12:09.000 And he knew who was good and who was bad. 1.00

01:12:11.000 Yeah.

01:12:11.000 And he wasn't shy on letting you know.

01:12:14.000 He was a funny dude, man.

01:12:16.000 Worked that club for a long-ass time.

01:12:18.000 Do you go there and do you do spots still?

01:12:20.000 I had, uh, you know, I was like mad and was like vowed I would never go back there.

01:12:24.000 Why?

01:12:24.000 And I think they even forgot I told them never call me because they've just called me like, are you around for once?

01:12:28.000 Like, that's how much it didn't matter, my little stand.

01:12:31.000 What was the standover?

01:12:32.000 I can't remember, dude. 0.98

01:12:34.000 There's some shit where, fuck, I don't remember, but I was like furious about it. 0.98

01:12:38.000 I can't remember. 0.99

01:12:40.000 That's a club that should be revived.

01:12:42.000 If it's still around, God, you gotta make sure that place doesn't go under.

01:12:45.000 That's a magic room.

01:12:47.000 The way that room is set up and built.

01:12:49.000 Yeah, I used to like playing there, and it was good to get a half-hour spot somewhere, you know?

01:12:53.000 It's a great room.

01:12:54.000 It's a great room.

01:12:55.000 It's just, it was always just managed in a very bizarre way.

01:12:59.000 Yeah.

01:13:00.000 I do, uh...

01:13:01.000 But it's so iconic.

01:13:03.000 I guess I mostly like the stand and like cellar.

01:13:05.000 That's supposed to be amazing.

01:13:06.000 Stan's great.

01:13:07.000 I hear a lot of great things about that place. 0.99

01:13:08.000 Yeah, I fucking love it. 0.97

01:13:09.000 And then the cellar and then stand up New York. 0.99

01:13:11.000 I'm mad a lot.

01:13:12.000 You know, Dangerfields was where they did an actual Dangerfield special from that place.

01:13:16.000 I think it was the one with Kinison.

01:13:18.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00

01:13:19.000 God damn, what a club. 1.00

01:13:21.000 That's funny. 1.00

01:13:22.000 That was like one of the early specials that was in a comedy club.

01:13:25.000 You know, instead of a big giant theater.

01:13:26.000 And it's one of the best ones, too.

01:13:28.000 Yeah, that's a classic one, dude. 1.00

01:13:30.000 Fuck, yeah. 1.00

01:13:30.000 That's a real classic one. 1.00

01:13:32.000 Did you ever get a chance to see Rodney Dangerfield perform?

01:13:35.000 Never, dude.

01:13:35.000 He was dead by the time I got there.

01:13:37.000 Have you seen any of the old-time greats?

01:13:39.000 Have you ever seen any of them?

01:13:40.000 I mean, I've watched Rodney doing his stand-up.

01:13:42.000 You mean in person, right?

01:13:43.000 Did you see Carlin at all?

01:13:44.000 Yeah.

01:13:45.000 Never in person.

01:13:48.000 I fucking missed Rickles, too, last time I was in Montreal. 0.96

01:13:51.000 I wanted to go see Rickles. 0.98

01:13:52.000 Oh, he's still performing, huh?

01:13:54.000 Yeah, I asked to be on too many shows.

01:13:56.000 I'm never doing that again.

01:13:57.000 Montreal? 0.99

01:13:58.000 Yeah, because I want to go see some other shit. 0.98

01:14:00.000 I keep thinking I want to do spots, you know, and then I just have too many and it's not as fun. 0.97

01:14:04.000 Well, if you have a lot in a nice place like Montreal, you're not going to get to explore the city, too.

01:14:09.000 That's a whole other world, that city.

01:14:11.000 I like it there, man.

01:14:13.000 The summer is great.

01:14:13.000 I love it there.

01:14:14.000 It's a whole other world though.

01:14:16.000 I mean, that is a French-speaking international city that's just above Maine. 0.98

01:14:21.000 It doesn't make any goddamn sense. 1.00

01:14:24.000 Because Maine is like desolate, wasteland, fucking trees, dudes with coonskin hats, looking at you from behind a fucking bush. 1.00

01:14:34.000 Where are you from? 1.00

01:14:36.000 You're not from around here, y'all.

01:14:38.000 Everybody in Stephen King books, you know, that's all based on Maine.

01:14:42.000 Yeah, they've inspired more horror stories with their faces than any other people. 0.97

01:14:47.000 I've never been in a place where you make fun of the state and people go more fucking angry. 0.94

01:14:53.000 Oh, do they get mad? 0.98

01:14:54.000 They get furious. 0.96

01:14:55.000 They call them maniacs. 0.53

01:14:58.000 Dude, strongest weed I ever had I got in Maine from some hick. 0.53

01:15:01.000 What? 0.99

01:15:02.000 I take that as a goddamn challenge. 0.99

01:15:04.000 Dude, and if I could ever find him again, it was like a dense fucking bud that almost smelled like a car freshener. 0.99

01:15:11.000 It wasn't like a delicious weed smell. 0.99

01:15:13.000 Really? 0.99

01:15:14.000 And it was so fucking strong. 0.98

01:15:15.000 And we were not prepared for how strong it was at all. 0.98

01:15:18.000 I'd like to smoke it again because I have a different palate now, but we were all like...

01:15:25.000 Out of our minds from this weed. 0.61

01:15:26.000 Well, couldn't you think that if you were a dude living in some in the middle of nowhere town in a place like Maine, you could be like some crazy hacker guy who makes his own computers and designs his own drones and shit like that? 0.94

01:15:38.000 You could see some mad scientist dude living by himself like that out there, right? 0.71

01:15:42.000 Yeah, why?

01:15:43.000 Right.

01:15:43.000 Well, couldn't you see a mad botanist too?

01:15:46.000 Yeah.

01:15:46.000 I could totally see that as well.

01:15:48.000 I could totally see some crazy fuck that's out there. 0.99

01:15:49.000 I got the impression it was some wild ass, you know, he planted it in the woods with traps around it kind of weed, you know? 1.00

01:15:56.000 That's how they do. 0.61

01:15:57.000 They go out in the woods and make their little stet grows and booby trap them.

01:16:01.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

01:16:03.000 But it also makes sense that someone in this day and age, how long ago was it you got this weed? 0.99

01:16:07.000 Shit, a while ago. 0.99

01:16:08.000 Over ten years ago at least. 0.99

01:16:10.000 Well, since 1994, they've had medical marijuana in California, I think, in 1994. So from then on, it's been pretty commensurate.

01:16:19.000 I mean, I don't think it's gotten much stronger.

01:16:21.000 I had some weed in the late 90s. 0.99

01:16:23.000 I've had weed that's just as strong as the shit you're getting today. 0.96

01:16:26.000 So if some guy got it to him, you know, 2005, somebody got it to him, all the way up in Maine, he just starts growing it, that's totally feasible. 0.99

01:16:33.000 Yeah.

01:16:35.000 Well, maybe just sprayed it with, like, bug spray or something.

01:16:39.000 I don't think so.

01:16:40.000 Just pissed on it.

01:16:40.000 He eats a lot of vitamins.

01:16:42.000 Get vitamin piss.

01:16:43.000 I need my Vita shot today.

01:16:47.000 My point was, that's a very loosely populated state.

01:16:51.000 And there's a couple cool cities, like Bangor's a cool city, and Portland's a cool city.

01:16:55.000 But you go north of that, and there's virtually nothing.

01:16:59.000 There's just really, really small towns of people barely eking by. 0.99

01:17:03.000 And north of that is this incredible fucking city. 1.00

01:17:07.000 It's nuts. 1.00

01:17:08.000 Just keep going.

01:17:09.000 After you get past the wildlings and you get to the fence.

01:17:14.000 You gotta climb the fence.

01:17:15.000 It's so weird that you guys are talking about Portland.

01:17:18.000 I'm actually planning all these places right now.

01:17:21.000 You're probably talking about Portland, Oregon.

01:17:22.000 I'm talking about Portland, Maine.

01:17:23.000 No, Portland, Maine.

01:17:24.000 You're gonna go to Portland, Maine?

01:17:25.000 Portland, Maine, Somerville, Massachusetts.

01:17:27.000 Oh, Somerville, yeah. 0.94

01:17:29.000 Summer!

01:17:29.000 Rhode Island.

01:17:31.000 Somerville.

01:17:31.000 What are we doing in Rhode Island?

01:17:32.000 Estonia.

01:17:33.000 You doing the Comic Connection?

01:17:34.000 That's a great spot.

01:17:35.000 I used to do that.

01:17:36.000 It's a bank vault.

01:17:39.000 If it's the same location.

01:17:40.000 It used to be literally a bank vault.

01:17:42.000 The green room for a comedian was the vault.

01:17:45.000 The place was a bank.

01:17:46.000 Wow.

01:17:47.000 But it was terrible.

01:17:48.000 The one thing about it that was terrible was that you had these giant ceilings.

01:17:52.000 Because it was like a bank.

01:17:53.000 Oh, right.

01:17:54.000 But you were on stage in a bank.

01:17:57.000 I mean, it used to be a bank.

01:17:57.000 And it was like a bank parking lot.

01:17:59.000 I got the worst food poisoning of my life in that place.

01:18:02.000 Like in the year two, not even, 99 or something like that.

01:18:06.000 I don't even know what year it was.

01:18:07.000 What'd you eat that poisoned you?

01:18:09.000 A pizza.

01:18:10.000 Ugh.

01:18:11.000 You know when you eat sushi and you get poisoning?

01:18:13.000 It's usually not the fish because they have to freeze the fish first.

01:18:16.000 It's usually the rice.

01:18:17.000 That rice is a...

01:18:19.000 It's people's hands.

01:18:20.000 Yeah.

01:18:21.000 They say that about a salad.

01:18:23.000 That salad is one of the worst things that people get food poisoning from.

01:18:25.000 Imagine that.

01:18:26.000 Yeah.

01:18:26.000 Trying to be all healthy.

01:18:27.000 Like, I don't want to eat your toxic meat.

01:18:29.000 I'll sit here and eat my microbe-infested lettuce.

01:18:34.000 But Montreal, if you go, it's counterintuitive.

01:18:38.000 Because if you were headed north and you went all through New York and into Massachusetts and you got up to Maine, you'd be like, okay, we've got to turn around.

01:18:45.000 There's nothing up here.

01:18:46.000 There's nothing up here.

01:18:47.000 But if you just kept going, you'd be like, whoa, this is better than Boston.

01:18:52.000 This is a magical city.

01:18:53.000 This is beautiful.

01:18:54.000 There are different languages.

01:18:56.000 This is crazy.

01:18:57.000 Not better than Boston.

01:18:58.000 But it's similar.

01:19:01.000 Yeah.

01:19:01.000 I love it there.

01:19:02.000 No, Montreal's a shit. 1.00

01:19:03.000 Toronto's a shit, too. 1.00

01:19:05.000 You have a good time in Toronto, too. 1.00

01:19:07.000 Yeah.

01:19:07.000 It's like a big city, but they're nice.

01:19:09.000 Weird.

01:19:10.000 The crowds are good, I think.

01:19:12.000 See, Canadian kind of PC people are different, because you know what it is?

01:19:16.000 They'll hear you out.

01:19:18.000 All my jokes are overly wordy, too, so you gotta, like, hear me out before you get mad or it's not gonna work.

01:19:23.000 But they're Canadian, so their attention span is just, like, longer. 1.00

01:19:26.000 And when I fuck up here, it's because somebody was half-listening and just heard a word and didn't know what I was saying. 0.99

01:19:32.000 Outrage attack! 0.99

01:19:33.000 Dude, a girl dumped a drink on me at the cellar. 1.00

01:19:36.000 Why?

01:19:37.000 It's on my hour.

01:19:39.000 I don't know.

01:19:39.000 White Precious is a joke about gay marriage.

01:19:42.000 On the hour? 0.51

01:19:42.000 No, no, no. 0.51

01:19:43.000 But it's on my hour, if you listen to my hour.

01:19:45.000 But she goes... 0.94

01:19:47.000 At the beginning of the thing, I asked if there were for a gay marriage.

01:19:50.000 And I go, because I'm against it.

01:19:51.000 That's why I brought it up.

01:19:52.000 And this is the first line.

01:19:54.000 But if you listen to the joke, it's clearly a pro gay marriage joke. 0.80

01:19:57.000 But she just ran up, grabbed some other guy's drink. 1.00

01:19:59.000 It wasn't her drink.

01:20:00.000 She picked up a dude's drink in front of her and doused me with it. 1.00

01:20:03.000 And then they're starting to pull her out.

01:20:05.000 I'm like, whoa, why?

01:20:06.000 Why did you do that?

01:20:07.000 And she's like, you're against gay marriage?

01:20:11.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:20:12.000 First of all, the joke was pro that, and then also...

01:20:15.000 What was the joke?

01:20:16.000 It's about why we can't have it here, because, you know, we have a constitution God gave us, and like, you know, we lose his protection.

01:20:25.000 Like, he watches your holes, you know?

01:20:27.000 Like a diamond loop.

01:20:30.000 Let's see what they're up to.

01:20:33.000 Oh, look at that.

01:20:34.000 No more protection for you.

01:20:36.000 So, what did she say?

01:20:38.000 Because I'm against gay marriage. 1.00

01:20:40.000 Right, but did you explain to her that you were going, this is a satire?

01:20:43.000 No, the bouncers threw her out. 1.00

01:20:45.000 I was trying to make her stay, actually, so I could.

01:20:47.000 It was so, like, shocking that it happened, I wasn't, like, mad.

01:20:50.000 But that's exactly what we're talking about.

01:20:53.000 We're talking about people that have a black or a white.

01:20:56.000 There's a, you know, there's a...

01:20:58.000 Yeah, I'm not proud of you for that.

01:20:59.000 That's why we all supposedly hated George W., for his moral certitude.

01:21:03.000 Exactly.

01:21:03.000 So I don't want to hear yours.

01:21:05.000 Yeah, especially not in satire.

01:21:07.000 Especially not when you're going to see a comedy show.

01:21:09.000 I'm above the law is how I, my attitude towards comedy. 0.91

01:21:12.000 Whatever the fucking social norm is, I'm above that. 0.90

01:21:15.000 That's why I took this job. 0.99

01:21:17.000 I took this job to not do what you do. 0.99

01:21:19.000 I don't work at your fucking office, so I don't have to clean it up. 0.99

01:21:23.000 Like we're at the office. 0.99

01:21:24.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:21:25.000 But people think that that's the way you're supposed to think and talk all the time because they're forced into it.

01:21:29.000 Because they all think they can do it.

01:21:29.000 They all think they're comics too.

01:21:31.000 Jon Stewart said that.

01:21:32.000 That like, you know, people playing music, that's magical to people.

01:21:35.000 And painting, that's magic.

01:21:36.000 But everyone thinks they're a comedian.

01:21:38.000 They all think they are.

01:21:40.000 So that's why they feel qualified to tell you.

01:21:42.000 Well, because they talk.

01:21:43.000 They don't see it as being much different.

01:21:45.000 You're talking, and they're talking.

01:21:47.000 People used to say about Stern, they'd be like, oh, I can do our Sterns. 1.00

01:21:51.000 You just gotta talk about pussy. 1.00

01:21:52.000 You know, like that attitude? 1.00

01:21:53.000 That's what they think it is.

01:21:55.000 So when they talk about mean jokes, they're not thinking of someone crafting something clever. 0.98

01:22:00.000 They're thinking of, oh, you're a lesbian. 0.99

01:22:02.000 Like, in their head, that's the same as a joke.

01:22:04.000 We don't even agree on what jokes are, but to even have that argument about that.

01:22:08.000 Well, it seems easier than it really is.

01:22:10.000 It seems like you're just a guy who's talking.

01:22:11.000 The thing about...

01:22:13.000 It does, right?

01:22:14.000 It does.

01:22:14.000 That's what I thought.

01:22:15.000 I thought it was real fucking easy before I did it. 0.88

01:22:17.000 I thought that, too, even about podcasting. 0.79

01:22:21.000 Yeah, I thought that.

01:22:22.000 Podcasting also made me really understand and appreciate conversations.

01:22:26.000 Yeah.

01:22:26.000 Because conversations are like a little dance between...

01:22:29.000 Robot Dick.

01:22:30.000 You hear that sound?

01:22:30.000 Yeah.

01:22:32.000 Conversations are a little dance between people.

01:22:35.000 There's a give and a ten.

01:22:36.000 There's an art to do.

01:22:37.000 People don't always sync up that good with it.

01:22:39.000 Sometimes people are...

01:22:40.000 It's awkward with some folks.

01:22:43.000 It's an art form, though.

01:22:45.000 Dude, I didn't realize how radio...

01:22:47.000 Like, it's the same as, like, comedy when I start to have to be on people's radio shows and I realize there's, like, a thing to it.

01:22:53.000 Like, what I just always assumed. 1.00

01:22:56.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:22:56.000 There's definitely a thing to being entertaining when you're having a long-form conversation. 1.00

01:23:00.000 You know, the people that think it would be easy to keep a conversation going have never done it.

01:23:05.000 Dude, what's the comedian's name?

01:23:06.000 I'm so high.

01:23:07.000 What's the comedian's name that just passed away from the last Boy Scout?

01:23:10.000 He was on my show twice.

01:23:11.000 Last Boy Scout?

01:23:12.000 Yeah, he's from Punchline.

01:23:15.000 The guy going, out of your rug.

01:23:19.000 I have no idea who you're talking about.

01:23:21.000 A comedian just passed away?

01:23:22.000 Yeah, he's my friend.

01:23:23.000 I'm doing so high.

01:23:24.000 I'm blanking.

01:23:24.000 He came on the show twice.

01:23:27.000 Fucking... 1.00

01:23:28.000 What did he do? 1.00

01:23:28.000 He's like in everything in the 80s. 1.00

01:23:30.000 He's in all these 80s movies.

01:23:31.000 Not Rick Dookerman.

01:23:32.000 No, he's kind of swarthy.

01:23:35.000 Swarthy.

01:23:35.000 Hold on, I'm going to look him up right now.

01:23:37.000 You know who it is, Jamie?

01:23:38.000 Yeah, Taylor.

01:23:39.000 Taylor Negron. 1.00

01:23:39.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:23:40.000 These are strong. 1.00

01:23:41.000 That guy, so he came on my podcast twice. 0.98

01:23:43.000 That guy was so fucking good. 0.80

01:23:46.000 Like, that's all where I know him from, coming on there. 0.96

01:23:48.000 He would just wait for his part to jump in, and then he had something funny and interesting to say.

01:23:52.000 And he'd jump out.

01:23:54.000 And it was just amazing.

01:23:55.000 Like, he would just dance in, and it was never in somebody's way, and it was always worth, like, paying attention to.

01:24:00.000 Like, I thought he was, like, really killer.

01:24:02.000 He was a good dude, too.

01:24:03.000 I used to always run into him at the improv.

01:24:05.000 Very, very nice guy.

01:24:06.000 Very fun guy.

01:24:06.000 Yeah, he was one of the coolest guys.

01:24:08.000 I only met him, like, briefly, but, like, I really liked him, and I really wanted him to come back.

01:24:12.000 I had no idea he had cancer or anything.

01:24:15.000 Hmm.

01:24:16.000 Hoo! 1.00

01:24:19.000 Somehow or another, it's better than suicide. 0.92

01:24:22.000 You know, that's the bummer when a guy like Robin Williams, Richard Jenny, somehow or another, that to me is like, God damn it, somebody didn't get to those dudes in time, you know? 0.96

01:24:30.000 Well, it's got to be some kind of mental illness, right? 0.91

01:24:32.000 Because you're supposed to be wired not to do that.

01:24:34.000 Oh yeah, 100%.

01:24:35.000 Depression.

01:24:36.000 I hate saying wired, by the way.

01:24:37.000 Everybody says wired.

01:24:38.000 Where's my wires?

01:24:39.000 Like the internet is tubes. 1.00

01:24:40.000 It's the same level of stupid. 1.00

01:24:43.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

01:24:44.000 The way we're wired.

01:24:45.000 It's not tubes?

01:24:46.000 What is it?

01:24:47.000 There are tubes.

01:24:47.000 I mean, there's something that goes across the ocean, which is new to me.

01:24:50.000 Tubes and tunnels.

01:24:51.000 Fiber optic tubes. 0.98

01:24:53.000 I didn't know they had to lay lines across the entire fucking actual ocean. 0.98

01:24:56.000 I was like, wait a minute. 0.97

01:24:56.000 I thought we were Wi-Fi by now. 0.97

01:24:58.000 That's ridiculous.

01:25:00.000 But that's how we connect to the other parts of the world. 0.86

01:25:03.000 They have a tube.

01:25:04.000 Right.

01:25:05.000 It's a wire.

01:25:05.000 It is a series of tubes.

01:25:07.000 Essentially. 0.99

01:25:08.000 But if you ask the average person who uses the internet to put up Instagram pics of their ass, how exactly is this getting to Sweden? 0.98

01:25:15.000 Because someone in Sweden right now is downloading your Instagram feed. 0.99

01:25:18.000 Someone is looking at your butt pictures while you're doing squats on the other side of Africa. 0.95

01:25:24.000 Is that like a Snapchat thing, putting your butt up like that? 0.93

01:25:26.000 I thought Snapchat's fat to get you to dig up and then it goes away after a few minutes.

01:25:30.000 Well, Snapchat does, but Instagram, there's girls that have literally millions and millions of followers, and they're just girls in yoga pants. 1.00

01:25:37.000 And all they do all day is like squat.

01:25:40.000 That's my new porn search, dude. 1.00

01:25:41.000 Take pictures of their ass. 1.00

01:25:42.000 That was the new porn search I've been using, yoga pants. 1.00

01:25:44.000 That's the porn search?

01:25:46.000 That's the term?

01:25:46.000 That's my new one and my dead soul of having to find something to amuse me.

01:25:50.000 Ha ha ha. 0.99

01:25:51.000 What will make my dick do anything? 1.00

01:25:53.000 New shit to jack off to. 1.00

01:25:54.000 Yoga pants. 1.00

01:25:55.000 There's something about a girl who's really spiritual that still wants to fuck. 1.00

01:25:58.000 Guys get very excited. 1.00

01:26:00.000 Plus, it's tight, so it kind of compresses the ass. 0.99

01:26:03.000 Well, the pants could be really... 0.99

01:26:03.000 They always rip the pants open. 0.99

01:26:05.000 Ooh, crazy.

01:26:05.000 Like, violent.

01:26:06.000 It's a little bit.

01:26:08.000 Consent?

01:26:08.000 I think so.

01:26:09.000 May I rip your pants open, or does this disgust? 1.00

01:26:12.000 I think it's important, because I'm not jerking off to rape. 1.00

01:26:15.000 I mean, she doesn't turn her face away from it. 0.99

01:26:17.000 She dives right into it. 1.00

01:26:19.000 I don't think that's consent.

01:26:19.000 I don't think you understand consent.

01:26:21.000 You're a part of the problem.

01:26:22.000 90% of communication is non-verbal, is how I feel about it.

01:26:26.000 Yeah, you are cisgendered, right?

01:26:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:28.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:26:29.000 Dude, fuck yeah, Sam. 1.00

01:26:31.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:26:32.000 You're cisgendered. 1.00

01:26:33.000 So you're therefore privileged.

01:26:34.000 Do you not apologize for your very existence?

01:26:36.000 Well, that's like the original sin now, right?

01:26:39.000 Yes. 1.00

01:26:39.000 That's your new fucking sin. 1.00

01:26:42.000 Well, amongst a very small percentage of the people. 0.99

01:26:44.000 Isn't that crazy to go that full circle to, like, trying to get away from the circumstances of your birth, and now it's fully that now?

01:26:51.000 Like, first we judge you by what your category is before you say anything.

01:26:55.000 Yes.

01:26:55.000 So now two different things.

01:26:57.000 It's different if he says it than you said it.

01:27:00.000 Well, it's like that video that you were listening to that Jamie was doing, where you, on the Opie and Anthony show, that was telling you about it, where it's like, that's what you guys are like, mocking that very thing.

01:27:10.000 Right, right, right.

01:27:12.000 His videos are the best, dude. 0.99

01:27:15.000 God, the amazing tone as if he's like patiently talking to a fucking waterhead child. 0.99

01:27:21.000 Explaining to you how you should react. 0.99

01:27:24.000 Okay, guys!

01:27:25.000 That's the entire sense of humor they have, too.

01:27:27.000 It's like, you know, someone raising one eyebrow over their glasses at you.

01:27:32.000 Really?

01:27:33.000 That's their little like, like a polite, like a disdain or a...

01:27:38.000 I don't know how to describe it.

01:27:38.000 That's like nerd.

01:27:39.000 A contemptuous nerd is the new kind of sense of humor.

01:27:43.000 But there's a big audience for that.

01:27:45.000 Yeah, for like eye-rolling.

01:27:46.000 Yeah.

01:27:47.000 That's like just professional eye-rolling.

01:27:49.000 You ever heard Patton Oswalt?

01:27:51.000 Patton Oswalt has some great joke about an altercation that happens in a Starbucks in Los Feliz where he says you could barely hear the Nora Jones song from the sound of the eye-rolling.

01:28:08.000 That's such a great describe!

01:28:09.000 It's a great description of reality.

01:28:13.000 That's so funny. 0.98

01:28:14.000 That is so fucking funny. 0.97

01:28:16.000 But it's like that attitude, man. 0.99

01:28:18.000 It's like, you know, it's all duh.

01:28:20.000 This is duh.

01:28:21.000 Are you talking to five-year-olds?

01:28:23.000 Because you should need to have a kid.

01:28:25.000 Have a kid and teach a kid about life.

01:28:27.000 They think they are, dude.

01:28:29.000 But that's what we were talking about.

01:28:31.000 And also, I don't know how they're confusing the role of comedy.

01:28:35.000 Like comedy, I guess it can be a tool for whatever.

01:28:39.000 It can be that.

01:28:40.000 It's not what it is.

01:28:41.000 You're not Batman with this.

01:28:44.000 You're the Joker.

01:28:46.000 Batman is serious.

01:28:47.000 You're a comedian.

01:28:49.000 You're not trying to do good. 1.00

01:28:50.000 You're trying to show Batman not to take shit so seriously. 0.98

01:28:53.000 Or if you are trying to, you should have a real point. 0.99

01:28:56.000 Like, hey, here's something I found out about that you need to know. 1.00

01:28:59.000 If you mix this drug with that drug, it will fucking kill you, my friend's dead. 0.99

01:29:03.000 Or you could take your points and put them in joke form, which is what your actual job is. 1.00

01:29:09.000 You're not supposed to just come and go, my sister's anti-gay and I think that's wrong.

01:29:14.000 Great job, Jamie. 1.00

01:29:15.000 You fucking really... 0.99

01:29:16.000 Does he do that, though? 1.00

01:29:17.000 He did that on fucking Conan. 0.98

01:29:20.000 What is something he was on? 0.99

01:29:21.000 It's just like not a joke. 0.99

01:29:22.000 It's just him fucking preaching. 0.99

01:29:24.000 Didn't he retire though? 1.00

01:29:25.000 He's done, right?

01:29:26.000 He's done with Cassandra?

01:29:27.000 I heard he retired.

01:29:28.000 Really?

01:29:29.000 Somebody tweeted.

01:29:30.000 It might just be temporary.

01:29:32.000 What's he gonna do for money then?

01:29:33.000 It's the same radio.

01:29:35.000 But did he try to get you fired?

01:29:37.000 No, but he like threw in his own like, yeah, something, but it was mainly that one girl whose name I don't mention.

01:29:44.000 Good for you.

01:29:45.000 Good for you.

01:29:46.000 But uh...

01:29:47.000 I don't know, man.

01:29:49.000 I just hate comics turning on each other like that over jokes. 0.95

01:29:53.000 It's like the idea that you're pretending you don't know that a guy's fucking around and that that's an art. 0.93

01:29:58.000 There's an art form to go in to see a guy who's saying things you absolutely know he doesn't really believe. 0.92

01:30:04.000 Well, look, I've had that fight already with fucking, you know, and the bottom line is everything's propaganda. 0.52

01:30:13.000 I remember this whole mindset, dude. 0.98

01:30:15.000 Everything is like...

01:30:16.000 From church.

01:30:16.000 Yeah, I know the mindset.

01:30:18.000 Like, what kind of world are you working for with these jokes, Joe?

01:30:22.000 I mean, think about that, you know?

01:30:24.000 Like, we weren't supposed to stumble... 0.99

01:30:26.000 I was talking about on Maren's show, the fucking... 1.00

01:30:28.000 Like, you couldn't stumble your brother out of Christianity. 0.99

01:30:31.000 That was like a big no-no in my church.

01:30:33.000 So...

01:30:34.000 Stumble your brother? 0.99

01:30:35.000 Yeah, like, let's say you had some doubts about something that you heard in, like, doctrine, and you said it to Brother Rogan, and Brother Rogan was like, yeah, that sounds like bullshit. 0.99

01:30:43.000 I'm leaving this church. 1.00

01:30:44.000 You stumbled him out of the faith with your shit. 1.00

01:30:47.000 You were supposed to humbly just assume that whatever it is will get worked out and not really make a stink about it, even if you didn't agree with something. 1.00

01:30:54.000 You go like, well, they know what's for the best.

01:30:57.000 That's actively you're supposed to do that, okay?

01:30:59.000 So these people are the same thing.

01:31:01.000 By you making some crass joke about something that's serious, that people don't take seriously enough, you're contributing.

01:31:07.000 You understand? 0.99

01:31:08.000 The same way hip-hop is making young black men because of the hip-hop are fucking... 1.00

01:31:14.000 It's the same fucking argument. 1.00

01:31:16.000 Or how Dungeons& Dragons is encouraging the suicide. 1.00

01:31:19.000 It's an old argument.

01:31:21.000 Does anybody really say that?

01:31:22.000 What?

01:31:23.000 The Dungeons and Dragons.

01:31:24.000 Don't you remember that in the 80s? 1.00

01:31:26.000 Dungeons and Dragons leads to suicide, demonism, and fucking... 0.99

01:31:29.000 There's always a thing that you gotta blame. 0.99

01:31:31.000 I'm telling you, jokes, one way or another, are never gonna affect anything for anything.

01:31:37.000 Like, don't worry about the jokes.

01:31:38.000 You know the people who think Bush got elected because of SNL's portrayal of Bush versus their portrayal of gore?

01:31:45.000 I've heard people, oh, what's his name, who was on, Horatio Sanz said it.

01:31:49.000 He thought the election got affected by Will Ferrell doing Bush.

01:31:53.000 You know how condescending that is?

01:31:55.000 I think he's funny, too, like, I'm not against him, but that's the most, that's how they think. 1.00

01:31:59.000 They're so condescending, they imagine people were swayed by Saturday Night Live, and people are so stupid that they need their gentle fucking lefty hands. 1.00

01:32:08.000 Do you understand? 1.00

01:32:09.000 Yeah, but hold on a second, because you're talking to me from a guy who used to be a fucking Jehovah's Witness, so So you're talking about an entire religion that believes unbelievably retarded nonsense. 1.00

01:32:19.000 Well, it's the Bible. 0.98

01:32:20.000 But you're surprised that a portrayal by someone of a president could influence people that watch television?

01:32:27.000 I don't think anyone switched their vote because they saw jokes about...

01:32:31.000 I think it's very possible that there's a tipping point.

01:32:34.000 I don't think they're responsible.

01:32:36.000 I don't think the person's responsible. 1.00

01:32:37.000 Look, people are retarded, dude. 1.00

01:32:38.000 I don't think you could sway someone who was... 1.00

01:32:42.000 People who voted for Bush were into that ideology.

01:32:48.000 It's the same as these lefties. 1.00

01:32:49.000 You wouldn't joke them out of believing in the shit they believe. 1.00

01:32:52.000 The dumbest outliers, it's possible. 1.00

01:32:55.000 I think if you could talk someone into being a Scientologist, you could talk someone into voting for anybody. 1.00

01:32:59.000 Here's what I'll say to that. 1.00

01:33:00.000 If you're that fucking stupid, you probably didn't make it out to vote. 1.00

01:33:04.000 I'd be willing to bet you didn't make it out to vote. 1.00

01:33:06.000 But the problem is, stupid people are often very motivated. 1.00

01:33:09.000 That's what you see with the Westboro Baptist Church. 1.00

01:33:11.000 They're crazy. 1.00

01:33:12.000 They're not stupid. 1.00

01:33:13.000 They're crazy. 1.00

01:33:13.000 Oh, they're dumb. 1.00

01:33:14.000 That Fred Phelps guy was dumb. 1.00

01:33:16.000 He was a lawyer. 1.00

01:33:16.000 He was a civil rights attorney. 1.00

01:33:18.000 Yeah, but he was still an idiot. 1.00

01:33:19.000 He was socially retarded. 1.00

01:33:20.000 Yeah, but that's not the same as stupid. 1.00

01:33:23.000 That's a different kind of... 1.00

01:33:24.000 That's like an almost willful, I don't have to be stupid, but I am. 1.00

01:33:27.000 Well, he's smart enough to memorize all the shit that you needed to learn to become a lawyer. 1.00

01:33:32.000 I love them, too. 0.99

01:33:34.000 First of all, he was a civil rights lawyer.

01:33:36.000 He fought for the right, and he got major breakthroughs for black people.

01:33:40.000 I look it up, he did something really nice.

01:33:43.000 Dude, the best part of this is, yeah, it's weird they concentrate on this one rule, but they're just saying what's in the Bible.

01:33:48.000 That's my favorite part.

01:33:50.000 Because all these people out there think, no, you can moderate. 1.00

01:33:53.000 You always see that moderate shit. 0.99

01:33:55.000 So I have news for you. 0.99

01:33:56.000 If you're a moderate, that means you're not in it.

01:33:58.000 Right. 1.00

01:33:59.000 You're full of shit, okay? 1.00

01:34:00.000 The people that are really doing it are the extreme ones. 1.00

01:34:04.000 It's not a part-time thing.

01:34:06.000 So that's why I don't do it anymore, because I'm not going to half-ass do it.

01:34:10.000 So I like those people that, because literally the Bible says only a few people are going to survive.

01:34:15.000 That's why America's not Christian. 1.00

01:34:16.000 If America, we were all Christian, we wouldn't be Christian. 0.99

01:34:20.000 Automatically, it's built in.

01:34:21.000 Only a small few find the cramped and narrow road leading to eternal life.

01:34:26.000 And the road leading to destruction is massive, and that's where most of the people go.

01:34:29.000 So they think they're those few that are on the cramped road, much like a virgin butthole should be. 1.00

01:34:35.000 So really the idea of a Christian nation is impossible. 0.85

01:34:38.000 Yeah!

01:34:39.000 I don't know what Bible people are reading.

01:34:41.000 Your cave Jew dum-dum book, do you not look at it? 1.00

01:34:43.000 That's the same people that tattoo Bible verses on your body. 0.76

01:34:47.000 Like, dude, you gotta read the whole book. 1.00

01:34:49.000 Oh, dude, I watched some fucking... 0.98

01:34:50.000 It says not to do that. 0.99

01:34:51.000 Yeah.

01:34:51.000 I watched some redneck go...

01:34:53.000 Well, we're not under that law anymore.

01:34:55.000 I watched some redneck on something go, uh, yeah, I was... 1.00

01:34:58.000 I'm Christian, so I was raised to fight what I believe in. 1.00

01:35:03.000 I mean, it's the exact opposite of being Christian, you fucking dickhead. 1.00

01:35:07.000 Well, people pick and choose. 1.00

01:35:09.000 They pick and choose what kind of Bible stuff they like.

01:35:11.000 Yeah, they do, don't they?

01:35:12.000 Yeah, they certainly do.

01:35:13.000 They love to.

01:35:13.000 It's like divorce.

01:35:14.000 You're supposed to stone the woman if you get a divorce, you know, if the woman leaves you or whatever. 1.00

01:35:18.000 No, no, that's for adultery. 1.00

01:35:21.000 There's a lot of terrible fucking shit in there. 1.00

01:35:23.000 But listen, a lot of it, you can absolutely justify with it was for the time, was somewhat progressive. 1.00

01:35:29.000 Yeah.

01:35:29.000 Right?

01:35:30.000 Yeah.

01:35:31.000 When you talk about, okay, you can own slaves. 0.96

01:35:32.000 Like, well, it wasn't the kind of slavery we had.

01:35:35.000 And at the time, they were nicer about slavery.

01:35:37.000 Like, okay, that's fine, but you're telling me that this book's exceptional.

01:35:42.000 So why aren't they in the future? 0.99

01:35:44.000 Like, if the one true God invented this shit, it should be like, oh, way ahead of its time. 0.99

01:35:50.000 We're like, we're the ones that don't have slaves, because we have the one true God. 0.99

01:35:53.000 Why isn't it like that?

01:35:54.000 Because I'm supposed to have them judging.

01:35:57.000 I'm supposed to, before I just do anything, imagine one of them, like one of the prophets is alive watching me.

01:36:03.000 What if Moses were here?

01:36:04.000 What would he think of what I'm doing?

01:36:06.000 I'm supposed to do that as a Christian. 1.00

01:36:08.000 But I'm not supposed to judge Moses for his shitty shit, right? 1.00

01:36:13.000 Moses was a killer. 1.00

01:36:14.000 I never killed anybody, Moses, and also I don't have slaves, so you could save your judgment on my fucking, you know? 0.99

01:36:21.000 Well, just a few hundred years ago, if you go back and read some of the stuff, like Lincoln. 0.95

01:36:26.000 We read this passage by Lincoln the other day on the podcast.

01:36:30.000 Oh, I love those passages. 0.93

01:36:32.000 They're crazy racist.

01:36:33.000 I want them in the Hall of Presidents at Disneyland. 0.99

01:36:35.000 I want Lincoln to be like, I am not advocating equality for the Negroes. 1.00

01:36:40.000 Well, I'll just say, not wanting them to, they shouldn't be allowed to vote, they shouldn't be allowed to hold office, or be able to intermarry with whites. 1.00

01:36:47.000 This was all him in a debate.

01:36:49.000 Yeah, but that's his compromising to try to make.

01:36:53.000 It's like his Obamacare.

01:36:56.000 It's not a perfect solution, but we had to do something. 1.00

01:36:59.000 That's what that shit is. 0.99

01:37:00.000 Yeah, probably. 1.00

01:37:01.000 I guess back then, as we're saying, that was probably super radical progressive for the time.

01:37:06.000 I was fighting with Gavin on, you know Gavin, right?

01:37:09.000 Gavin McGinnis?

01:37:09.000 I know who he is.

01:37:10.000 I don't know him.

01:37:11.000 So we're on Twitter talking about slavery. 1.00

01:37:12.000 I love his fucking... 1.00

01:37:13.000 Oh yeah, I saw you guys going back and forth. 1.00

01:37:15.000 Slavery's not that bad.

01:37:16.000 Or that the Civil War's not about slavery.

01:37:18.000 There would be no Civil War if there had been no slavery.

01:37:20.000 They wouldn't have gone to war over cotton tariffs.

01:37:22.000 They could have worked that out. 1.00

01:37:24.000 Black dick on the loose was, trust me, a big fucking factor. 1.00

01:37:28.000 And if you took it out, no war, absolutely. 1.00

01:37:30.000 So black dick on the loose, you feel? 1.00

01:37:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:37:32.000 Of course! 1.00

01:37:33.000 You think you're gonna free all these slaves we've been beaten, and they're gonna be just like us, and they're gonna be fucking our kids? 0.99

01:37:39.000 Well, don't you think that the biggest fear was that they would lose the economic impact of having slaves? 0.99

01:37:45.000 Well, absolutely!

01:37:46.000 That was what they were fighting for, right?

01:37:48.000 That's your rich man's motive for fighting.

01:37:51.000 The poor man's motive is... 0.99

01:37:52.000 It's like, uh-oh, now the blacks are coming for mine. 1.00

01:37:56.000 That's my one thing I have more... 1.00

01:37:57.000 It's a very simple fucking thing. 0.98

01:37:59.000 But they always gotta soft sell it like, no, there was more to the... 0.99

01:38:03.000 Like, let's say there's no slavery. 0.98

01:38:04.000 The Confederacy still sucked. 1.00

01:38:06.000 You're still fucking traitors. 1.00

01:38:07.000 It's not like if you fucking... 1.00

01:38:09.000 How are they traitors? 1.00

01:38:10.000 Trying to split up the union over some bullshit. 1.00

01:38:13.000 Right, but why should they give in to the fucking whims of the North? 1.00

01:38:16.000 The North are their fucking cities. 1.00

01:38:18.000 That's what essentially was going on, too. 1.00

01:38:19.000 That was a big part of what was happening back then.

01:38:21.000 There was two different lifestyles.

01:38:23.000 The North, which was about, like, cities.

01:38:25.000 Right.

01:38:25.000 And then there was the South that was like agriculture.

01:38:27.000 Right.

01:38:28.000 And when they were saying, like, you know, oh, it's about economics, well...

01:38:31.000 Yeah, you have a bunch of people that are working for free, and they would like to be paid, and you want to keep paying them nothing.

01:38:37.000 Did you know, Rogan, that would have just ended on its own?

01:38:39.000 Yeah, eventually.

01:38:40.000 You know, people would give up having free labor. 0.67

01:38:42.000 Who said that about Brazil?

01:38:44.000 Who said that about Brazil, that Brazil did it without killing $600? 1.00

01:38:47.000 This fucking guy. 1.00

01:38:48.000 I go, listen, was Hiroshima necessary? 1.00

01:38:51.000 Then the Civil War was necessary, okay? 0.94

01:38:53.000 If you're going to justify dropping the atom bomb, which I do, then yeah, 600. If I'm a slave, if I'm ever a slave, by all means, kill half a million Southerners until I'm free. 0.99

01:39:03.000 By all means. 1.00

01:39:04.000 I'm willing to sacrifice them for me to not be a slave. 0.99

01:39:07.000 So this guy, it's like, it's all this shit that's easy for you to say if you're not a slave. 1.00

01:39:13.000 That's the bottom fucking line. 1.00

01:39:14.000 And they just won't put themselves in those shoes ever. 1.00

01:39:17.000 It's gotta be like the ultimate, shut up black people. 1.00

01:39:20.000 That's the whole fucking point of that flag. 1.00

01:39:22.000 We don't care if it bothers you. 0.99

01:39:24.000 You'll never get that from us.

01:39:26.000 Yeah, it's a weird pride thing.

01:39:28.000 It's like, what exactly are you proud of?

01:39:30.000 You lost a war where you were trying to separate from the people that didn't want slavery?

01:39:35.000 Is it you're proud of the spot where you were born, which you had no control over?

01:39:39.000 Yeah.

01:39:40.000 Well, dude, I don't even understand flags.

01:39:42.000 You know, I couldn't salute the flag when I was growing up.

01:39:45.000 You couldn't?

01:39:45.000 No.

01:39:46.000 You weren't allowed to?

01:39:46.000 We're neutral in all politics, if you're a Jehovah's Witness.

01:39:49.000 You don't get involved in politics.

01:39:50.000 So you don't vote at all?

01:39:51.000 No.

01:39:52.000 Wow. 0.99

01:39:53.000 Yeah, I don't give a shit what Satan's system of things does. 0.99

01:39:55.000 It's going to be all wiped out. 0.99

01:39:57.000 Oh, I see.

01:39:58.000 But anyway, so I never got attached to a flag like that.

01:40:01.000 Like, I never understood.

01:40:02.000 Like, I've never felt that feeling of, like, a flag.

01:40:06.000 Even though now I'm, like, I'm way into America, but I couldn't ever, like, just be into a flag.

01:40:12.000 There's something so gross about that.

01:40:14.000 Well, it is kind of gross, and it's gross just by way of all definitions that are, like, confining. 0.99

01:40:19.000 Like, if you confine yourself, like, now I'm American, this fucking Mexican's trying to come over here to our land. 1.00

01:40:24.000 Imagine if you were saying, hey, man, I'm from California, and those fuckers from Nevada trying to come over to California, we're going to kill them. 1.00

01:40:31.000 No, you go over to Nevada, and there's just other Americans. 1.00

01:40:34.000 You're like, hey, how you doing? 0.99

01:40:35.000 But if you go right instead of left, all of a sudden you're in a place where people look exactly the fucking same! 0.98

01:40:41.000 Yeah, it's not good for you. 0.99

01:40:42.000 You can go into a ton of Mexicans in Nevada.

01:40:44.000 And they're like, hey, what's up, brother?

01:40:45.000 What are you doing, man?

01:40:46.000 What's going on?

01:40:46.000 Everything's cool.

01:40:47.000 Everything's normal.

01:40:47.000 You talk to them like, they're your friends.

01:40:49.000 They're fellow Americans.

01:40:51.000 Go right, and then they're the, what, the enemy?

01:40:54.000 What are they?

01:40:54.000 Are they an ally?

01:40:55.000 They can't come over here?

01:40:56.000 Well, people don't seem to realize that Whatever immigrants it is, it's not like if they learn English, but if their kids learn English or something. 0.98

01:41:05.000 You know what I mean?

01:41:06.000 Well, do you have Ann Coulteron?

01:41:08.000 Yeah, but she, you know, I was surprised because she fest, because I go, my whole thing is, can you just go to wherever who is hiring illegals and go, let's see everyone's paperwork. 0.85

01:41:16.000 Right.

01:41:17.000 And then penalize the company for doing that.

01:41:19.000 And then problem solved.

01:41:20.000 There's no more jobs for them.

01:41:21.000 And she's like, yeah, no, the corporations are one of the biggest promoters of it.

01:41:26.000 So, Bill Maher made a good point.

01:41:28.000 He's like, you should have called the book that.

01:41:30.000 You know, how corporations are fucking it up because people are just going to dismiss your points now because you just blamed it on the...

01:41:36.000 Why blame the... 0.56

01:41:36.000 Why would I not come here and try to get a job if I needed one? 0.56

01:41:39.000 Why would I not?

01:41:40.000 That's just a radical hot-button topic, though.

01:41:42.000 Blaming it on immigrants. 0.99

01:41:43.000 Like, people love doing that because it's a good thing to get people on your side.

01:41:46.000 There's, like, a few key components.

01:41:48.000 You're not going to touch my guns. 1.00

01:41:50.000 You know, fucking immigration is ruining this country. 1.00

01:41:52.000 It's a fine country. 1.00

01:41:53.000 We've got to worry about the...

01:41:54.000 We've got porous borders.

01:41:55.000 It's such an eternal argument, man.

01:41:57.000 It sounds so Bill the Butcher when they're throwing potatoes at Irish people coming off the boat, you know?

01:42:02.000 It sounds just like that. 1.00

01:42:03.000 Like, you just sound like the same shit. 1.00

01:42:04.000 People all want the same shit. 1.00

01:42:06.000 They want to have, like, the fucking middle class home and all that. 1.00

01:42:09.000 And you can see it. 1.00

01:42:10.000 Every fucking race that comes here that gets to that level, they kind of just live like TV sitcom people. 1.00

01:42:17.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:42:18.000 Exactly.

01:42:19.000 That's what most people... 0.97

01:42:19.000 There's only a few of them where they try to fucking set themselves apart. 0.97

01:42:22.000 And they're mostly white cuckoo religions. 0.99

01:42:24.000 Mm-hmm.

01:42:25.000 Yeah.

01:42:28.000 It's real hard when you try to see... 1.00

01:42:31.000 Robot dick again. 1.00

01:42:33.000 That thing's distracting as fuck. 1.00

01:42:35.000 I like how you lean back. 1.00

01:42:37.000 Don't you still hear it though in your ears?

01:42:39.000 You must know.

01:42:40.000 Oh, it's soothing me.

01:42:42.000 Did you ever try the gum?

01:42:43.000 I don't like the gum.

01:42:44.000 I just like getting bigger, darker objects to put into my mouth. 1.00

01:42:48.000 Dude, they gave us one that was so stupid. 1.00

01:42:50.000 Do we still have that stupid thing around here, Jamie? 1.00

01:42:52.000 It's in the back. 1.00

01:42:52.000 Leave it back there. 1.00

01:42:54.000 They gave me a...

01:42:54.000 You've seen that one.

01:42:55.000 Yeah, it looks like a lightsaber. 0.99

01:42:56.000 It looks retarded. 0.99

01:42:57.000 It literally looks like a weapon. 0.95

01:43:00.000 I know, they construct them themselves like lightsabers.

01:43:02.000 Yeah.

01:43:03.000 It was huge.

01:43:04.000 It was huge.

01:43:05.000 You had to refill it, though.

01:43:07.000 Every, like...

01:43:07.000 Ten hits or something.

01:43:09.000 Yeah.

01:43:10.000 You do that, you squirt into the cotton and everything?

01:43:13.000 What are you doing there?

01:43:14.000 I don't use cotton.

01:43:14.000 It's a mess every time I do it.

01:43:16.000 I need some tissue. 0.99

01:43:17.000 I have an eyedropper as shit. 0.99

01:43:18.000 Now the battery ran out, so I got a spare battery in his car. 1.00

01:43:21.000 Oh my god, you're a junkie!

01:43:23.000 Yeah, but it's not like killing me how cigarettes were killing me. 0.99

01:43:26.000 I mean, cigarettes were killing me, man.

01:43:27.000 I could feel it.

01:43:28.000 It was horrible.

01:43:29.000 You could feel it like eating away at your health?

01:43:31.000 Oh, yeah.

01:43:32.000 So I don't feel like that no more.

01:43:33.000 Brian, how long have you been off now?

01:43:35.000 I think three weeks?

01:43:38.000 I'm proud of you, dude.

01:43:39.000 That's really strong.

01:43:40.000 That's very strong.

01:43:41.000 I'm glad you made it that far, man.

01:43:43.000 Just keep going.

01:43:44.000 You think you're free now?

01:43:45.000 Yeah, I'm just bored.

01:43:47.000 Yeah, but do you think you're free where you'll stop smoking from now on?

01:43:50.000 Yeah, seems like it.

01:43:51.000 I really hope so, dude.

01:43:52.000 I used to- I really worried about you.

01:43:53.000 I was like, I'm gonna get the call one day from that guy, and he's gonna say I have cancer.

01:43:57.000 And I'm like, I can't even tell you. 0.97

01:43:59.000 I tried to get you to quit for ten fucking years. 0.96

01:44:01.000 Yeah, I was up to two packs also. 0.99

01:44:04.000 I know.

01:44:05.000 It's that store, dude. 1.00

01:44:06.000 It's the goddamn store. 1.00

01:44:08.000 Everybody smokes there. 1.00

01:44:09.000 And they're all just- No, comedy.

01:44:11.000 When I started comedy is when I started smoking.

01:44:13.000 Yeah.

01:44:13.000 The improv is not as bad.

01:44:17.000 The laugh factor is not bad at all because there's nowhere to smoke.

01:44:20.000 Right.

01:44:20.000 The fact that the comedy store has a patio you can smoke at.

01:44:23.000 So you're sitting there and people are just blowing smoke in your face non-stop.

01:44:27.000 That's an interesting thing I've never thought about with the laugh factor.

01:44:29.000 The factor doesn't have anything.

01:44:31.000 They don't have a place where you can go like that.

01:44:33.000 Improv kind of has like that parking lot type.

01:44:36.000 The parking lot is great.

01:44:37.000 I'm out there all the time.

01:44:38.000 Are you at the improv tonight?

01:44:39.000 No, no.

01:44:40.000 I'm off until Thursday.

01:44:41.000 I'm doing the store Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

01:44:44.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

01:44:45.000 Wish you around, you motherfucker. 1.00

01:44:46.000 I know. 1.00

01:44:47.000 I want to see you do some stand-up in town.

01:44:48.000 I haven't seen you since Montreal when we were at that little tiny club, the Comedy Works.

01:44:53.000 Jimbo's.

01:44:53.000 He's an ex-Joe of His Witness, too, the owner.

01:44:55.000 Is he really?

01:44:55.000 Yeah.

01:44:56.000 I sensed him like the Highlander.

01:44:59.000 That's hilarious!

01:45:00.000 But he's out of business now.

01:45:02.000 That club's gone.

01:45:02.000 When did it go under?

01:45:03.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:45:04.000 It sucks.

01:45:04.000 I used to love going to hang out there.

01:45:06.000 Man.

01:45:07.000 I know, dude.

01:45:08.000 That was a great club.

01:45:09.000 Oh, you get a lot of listeners, right?

01:45:11.000 Because I'm at Stress Factory in New Brunswick on July 23rd through 25th.

01:45:16.000 Excellent.

01:45:17.000 If you're out there, come see me at the Stress Factory.

01:45:19.000 Beautiful.

01:45:20.000 Do that.

01:45:20.000 Yeah, he's hilarious.

01:45:21.000 If you haven't seen Kurt Metzger, plug your ears so I can talk nice about you.

01:45:25.000 Very, very funny guy.

01:45:27.000 That's why I really wanted to see you while you were in town.

01:45:29.000 Yeah, man, I've been wanting to come on for a while. 1.00

01:45:31.000 Fucker! 1.00

01:45:32.000 How often are you around here? 1.00

01:45:34.000 It depends what work I have.

01:45:36.000 I had a press junket to do.

01:45:38.000 And your podcast is on iTunes?

01:45:40.000 People can get it on everything?

01:45:42.000 SoundCloud, iTunes, yeah.

01:45:43.000 It's called Race Wars with Kurt and Sherrod.

01:45:45.000 I'm going to subscribe right now.

01:45:46.000 I heard great things about it, though.

01:45:47.000 I heard it's really funny.

01:45:48.000 The last episode came out as one of our better ones.

01:45:50.000 Beautiful.

01:45:51.000 But, you know, sometimes it's a people talking over each other's show.

01:45:54.000 That happens.

01:45:55.000 That's why it's not as easy as it looks.

01:45:57.000 I agree with you.

01:45:58.000 You know what I saw the other day?

01:45:59.000 Somebody put up a video of Deadmau5, Eddie Bravo, Russell Peters, me and you doing a podcast.

01:46:07.000 Remember that podcast that we did?

01:46:08.000 Yeah.

01:46:09.000 All the talking over each other.

01:46:10.000 We were all hammered. 0.99

01:46:11.000 Ridiculous. 0.98

01:46:11.000 It was so bad. 0.98

01:46:12.000 It's so hard to listen to. 1.00

01:46:13.000 It's so bad to fucking, yeah. 0.99

01:46:15.000 So hard to listen to. 0.99

01:46:16.000 Yeah, that happens a lot with the Ice House Chronicles.

01:46:18.000 Yeah.

01:46:19.000 That's one of the most annoying things.

01:46:20.000 Well, we've had as many like seven or eight people on a mic there before.

01:46:24.000 Yeah.

01:46:24.000 Did you see the Paris Hilton prank video?

01:46:27.000 No.

01:46:28.000 I gotta go, though.

01:46:29.000 I have to go.

01:46:30.000 Unfortunately, I have to leave early.

01:46:31.000 Well, check it out.

01:46:31.000 Paris Hilton, this Egyptian guy pranked her where they're in an airplane and they made the airplane like nosedive and stuff like that.

01:46:38.000 And now she's like, I fly all the time and now I'm scared to be on a plane.

01:46:42.000 You know?

01:46:43.000 She's going to sue. 0.79

01:46:44.000 Well, she's allowed to sue, I guess.

01:46:49.000 Unfortunately, I have to end this thing early.

01:46:51.000 I got an obligation.

01:46:53.000 But Kurt Metzger, thank you very much for coming on.

01:46:56.000 We're going to be on Sirius, too.

01:46:57.000 When can I come on?

01:46:58.000 How do we do it?

01:46:59.000 We Skype?

01:47:00.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:47:01.000 Anytime you want to do that, we can.

01:47:03.000 Do you ever do it out here?

01:47:05.000 Do you do it live out here ever?

01:47:06.000 I want to do a tour with him.

01:47:09.000 You should do it, man.

01:47:10.000 Listen, Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky, Duncan Trussell, they're doing that thing on tour all across the country.

01:47:16.000 They do their podcasts on tour.

01:47:18.000 Duncan loves it.

01:47:19.000 He said he loves it as much as he loves doing stand-up.

01:47:21.000 Well, I did a couple of live ones that were pretty fun, man.

01:47:24.000 I've done Diaz's live.

01:47:25.000 I've done Kill Tony, Brian's live.

01:47:28.000 That's a lot of fun to do.

01:47:29.000 Kill Tony's hilarious.

01:47:30.000 Have you done that one?

01:47:31.000 I did that last night.

01:47:32.000 Oh, that's right.

01:47:32.000 Yeah, that one was fun, man.

01:47:34.000 That was really fun. 1.00

01:47:34.000 We're out of here, you fucks. 1.00

01:47:36.000 We'll see you soon. 0.99

01:47:37.000 That's it for the week.

01:47:38.000 Be back on Monday. 0.99

01:47:40.000 Lots of great shit next week. 0.99

01:47:42.000 See ya. 0.99

01:47:42.000 Bye. 0.99

01:47:44.000 Thanks, man.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 01, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #667 - Kurt Metzger

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Summary

Transcript