The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #710 - Gavin McInnes

00:00:00.000 Hello friends this episode of the podcast I've been drinking caveman coffee.

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00:06:00.000 Onit is a big part of my life and a big part of my day when I do things.

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00:08:02.000 All right, my guest today is a very entertaining man, a very smart guy.

00:08:08.000 He's all over the place, but he's quite a character.

00:08:12.000 And he was one of the original founders of Vice back before it was even Vice with Shane Smith.

00:08:19.000 And we get into that a little bit, but we had a very bizarre but very entertaining talk.

00:08:23.000 So I hope you enjoy it.

00:08:24.000 Please welcome Gavin McInnes.

00:08:27.000 Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

00:08:29.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

00:08:32.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

00:08:37.000 Boom, Gavin McGinnis, you are live, sir, from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which I understand you invented.

00:08:43.000 Yes, I did.

00:08:44.000 Congratulations.

00:08:45.000 Thank you very much.

00:08:46.000 Well, you see all the hipsters walking around just like you, do you feel proud? 0.55

00:08:49.000 Sort of.

00:08:50.000 You like the daddy?

00:08:52.000 Yeah, I'm the godfather of hipsterdom.

00:08:53.000 I don't feel...

00:08:58.000 Like, there's ways you can get followers where you, you know, don't piss anyone off.

00:09:03.000 And I probably could have a big following with these super far-right dudes, the cockservative guys. 0.94

00:09:09.000 Cuckservative?

00:09:10.000 They call you a cuck if you race mix and stuff.

00:09:10.000 Yeah.

00:09:14.000 Oh, look at that, Jamie.

00:09:15.000 That's you.

00:09:16.000 You this time.

00:09:17.000 That's a first.

00:09:18.000 But I ostracized them for being a race mixer. 1.00

00:09:20.000 And then I could probably get gamer followers, but I think it's gay to play video games. 1.00

00:09:25.000 Oh, like the Gamergate?

00:09:26.000 People.

00:09:26.000 Yeah.

00:09:27.000 It's gay, like homosexual? 1.00

00:09:27.000 So I lost those. 1.00

00:09:29.000 It's pretty cool.

00:09:29.000 No, gay in the grade school sense.

00:09:31.000 That's meaningful.

00:09:34.000 Why is it lame to play video games?

00:09:35.000 Video games are fun.

00:09:36.000 You're pretending you're Batman and 40 years old.

00:09:39.000 You could be 80 years old and still pretend you're Batman.

00:09:42.000 Yeah, that's fun.

00:09:43.000 Remember when we were kids?

00:09:44.000 We're probably the same age.

00:09:46.000 I'm 45.

00:09:46.000 How old are you?

00:09:47.000 I'm 48.

00:09:48.000 So you'd see those guys playing Star Wars with 10-year-olds when they were like 13, and you felt bad for those guys.

00:09:56.000 That's true.

00:09:57.000 And now those guys, the average video game player is 31.

00:10:00.000 But why is it okay to play chess and it's not okay to play like a real online strategy game?

00:10:04.000 I've been thinking about that a lot actually this week.

00:10:07.000 Really?

00:10:08.000 Yeah.

00:10:09.000 And I think it's because when you play a silly game like poker or chess, there's some social interacting going on.

00:10:18.000 Like you'll go, you fucker.

00:10:19.000 Right.

00:10:20.000 Like you're in the room and you're talking to the guy and you develop a relationship.

00:10:23.000 And then, you know, later on, you guys are at a bar or something and it's like, you fuck me, just like you did two months ago with that checkmate move or something. 0.56

00:10:32.000 Right.

00:10:33.000 So it's improving your relationship with the people around you.

00:10:36.000 Hmm.

00:10:37.000 That's interesting.

00:10:38.000 I never really considered that.

00:10:39.000 But video games, you're shooting monsters.

00:10:41.000 It's into the void.

00:10:43.000 It's ephemera.

00:10:44.000 You're blowing away time like dust.

00:10:47.000 Well, they found that video games actually do improve cognitive function in some sort of a strange way and even can improve your vision.

00:10:55.000 Great.

00:10:55.000 Sure.

00:10:56.000 It's kind of crazy because, you know, your vision, you're darting around the screen, especially like first-person shooters.

00:11:01.000 You know, you're looking for things that are trying to kill you.

00:11:04.000 Yeah, it's like those cab drivers in London have that overdeveloped part of their brain that does directions.

00:11:08.000 Really?

00:11:09.000 Yeah, they can physically see that part of the brain is sort of engorged, the directions part of the brain.

00:11:15.000 Whoa, so if they do like an fMRI on them or something like that?

00:11:18.000 Yeah, it's like someone who does CAT scans could probably identify a London cab driver.

00:11:23.000 Whoa, that's crazy.

00:11:25.000 So that's good.

00:11:26.000 You're working out a muscle, but...

00:11:31.000 You know, because these fucking Uber drivers, they look like, it's just, it looks like a normal Camry or something like that, right?

00:11:37.000 And there's a cab driver, and the cab driver is pulling up these people that are waiting for something.

00:11:41.000 And I don't know what the deal was, whether the people had called an Uber or called a cab and an Uber.

00:11:47.000 You know, sometimes people will do that.

00:11:48.000 People are assholes.

00:11:49.000 You know, they'll call both and see, let's see who shows up first.

00:11:52.000 And the Uber guy was in front, and the cab driver is honking on his hormones screaming at them.

00:11:58.000 And the Uber driver, you could always tell the Uber driver because they always have an iPhone and one of those little iPhone holders so they could type in the address and just go.

00:12:06.000 It's always like sitting right there.

00:12:08.000 And, you know, I'm like, am I about to see some shit go down?

00:12:11.000 Because I was right next to it.

00:12:12.000 I was like, this guy's going to get out and kick this guy's ass or something's going to happen.

00:12:16.000 Nothing better than seeing a live fight.

00:12:18.000 I've seen a lot of them.

00:12:19.000 Couples, too.

00:12:20.000 Male and female couples having fight.

00:12:22.000 If you go to New Orleans during Mardi Gras and she's wasted and you're just like, I'm going to pull up a chair and grab some popcorn. 1.00

00:12:30.000 But I love riffing with people and I fucking hate cab drivers because they're from another country and they don't know how to riff. 0.98

00:12:38.000 Like the guy that brought me here, I'm like, what's going on with the traffic going the other way?

00:12:42.000 And he goes, what, this year going that way?

00:12:45.000 Yes, dude.

00:12:46.000 What do you think I mean?

00:12:47.000 We're not in traffic.

00:12:48.000 There's traffic right there.

00:12:50.000 And he's like, oh, maybe they are going someplace, maybe.

00:12:54.000 Yeah, I know they're going.

00:12:56.000 I'm trying to get into, like, are they shopping?

00:12:59.000 So you want the small talk.

00:13:00.000 I want the small talk.

00:13:01.000 See, I don't want the small talk.

00:13:02.000 So when I get the small talk, I'm like, I have to pull my earphones out.

00:13:05.000 What?

00:13:06.000 What are we?

00:13:07.000 Oh, yeah, I guess they're going to talk.

00:13:08.000 Well, you've given up because you've been abused by immigrants for so long. 1.00

00:13:11.000 I want to riff with barmaids. 1.00

00:13:13.000 I want to riff with drivers.

00:13:14.000 I want to riff with the woman I'm ordering my coffee from. 1.00

00:13:16.000 And I just see these immigrants doing these jobs, and I go, these are teens jobs. 0.98

00:13:22.000 Where are the teens?

00:13:24.000 Oh, like driving cars are teens jobs?

00:13:26.000 Really?

00:13:26.000 Yes.

00:13:27.000 Well, I actually, you know, I drove Lemos for a bit when I was in my 20s, my early 20s.

00:13:34.000 What's the matter, Jamie?

00:13:37.000 Let me elaborate a little bit here.

00:13:40.000 In 2015, with unemployed teens everywhere and unemployed college students, they should be driving cabs.

00:13:46.000 Now, traditionally, I like the idea of Archie Bunker with the stubby cigar and the tweed hat saying that he saw a prostitute die right on this corner as we drive.

00:13:56.000 That's ideal.

00:13:57.000 But I'm saying, as far as fixing the system now, I want teens doing immigrant jobs. 1.00

00:14:01.000 See, I don't want teens driving.

00:14:03.000 Definitely.

00:14:04.000 In the day?

00:14:04.000 Yeah, no.

00:14:05.000 No.

00:14:06.000 I didn't like the way I drove when I was a teenager.

00:14:08.000 I don't want anybody like me driving me.

00:14:11.000 And I don't mind immigrants as long as I can ask them where they're from. 1.00

00:14:15.000 And you're going to learn some weird shit about people.

00:14:17.000 Oh, I asked the guy here, I go, he's just massacring the English language. 1.00

00:14:22.000 I'm watching someone just murder it.

00:14:24.000 Is Izplace company?

00:14:27.000 And I go, no, you mean, is the place we're going to a company?

00:14:31.000 Yes, I's place company.

00:14:33.000 And there's no interest in learning the language.

00:14:35.000 And I go, how long you been here for?

00:14:36.000 And he goes, six year.

00:14:37.000 I'm like, six year.

00:14:38.000 If I was in Armenia for six years, I would be an Armenian poet.

00:14:41.000 Yeah, but he could just go to Glendale and fit right in.

00:14:44.000 Exactly.

00:14:45.000 I almost asked that.

00:14:46.000 I almost said, why?

00:14:48.000 You only hang out with Armenians, right? 1.00

00:14:49.000 Like, no one assimilates anymore.

00:14:51.000 I like Armenians because they're the last unabashedly masculine ethnicity in this country. 1.00

00:14:59.000 Well, Mexicans are machismo. 1.00

00:15:02.000 Yeah, that's true too.

00:15:03.000 But they've integrated more into the American culture, especially in Southern California.

00:15:09.000 Armenians, they walk around with gold chains and wife beaters on. 1.00

00:15:12.000 Yeah, those string vests.

00:15:15.000 I have a friend who's Armenian and his name is Armin, which is hilarious.

00:15:18.000 And he was talking about this girl that talked shit to him.

00:15:23.000 And he's like, and you know what?

00:15:25.000 This fucking bitch was Armenian. 1.00

00:15:26.000 Like, you don't know any better?

00:15:29.000 Like, they have special rules.

00:15:31.000 There was this Armenian dude I knew a long time ago.

00:15:33.000 He was an enforcer for a loan shark.

00:15:36.000 And he's in jail now for double homicide.

00:15:39.000 But he gave me the best tip about picking up chicks. 0.96

00:15:42.000 He goes, when, sorry, I'm burping a lot because I'm drinking beer.

00:15:47.000 When you're with woman, right? 0.99

00:15:52.000 You say yes to everything.

00:15:54.000 If she's late, you say, no problem.

00:15:56.000 If she don't show up for date, you say, no problem.

00:15:59.000 Don't worry about it.

00:16:00.000 You pay for everything.

00:16:02.000 You say it's okay.

00:16:03.000 If she's rude to you, even if she hit you, you say, oops, you know, you just let it go.

00:16:08.000 Yes, yes, yes.

00:16:09.000 Then the second she say, I love you, you turn that bitch around and you fuck her in the ass and you punish her for all the bullshit she put you through. 1.00

00:16:19.000 Whoa.

00:16:20.000 And it's true. 0.56

00:16:21.000 I think that guy's doing it wrong.

00:16:23.000 Well, he is in jail.

00:16:26.000 It didn't work.

00:16:28.000 Prison, actually.

00:16:29.000 Oh, it's the real jail.

00:16:31.000 Not just jail jail.

00:16:32.000 What did he do?

00:16:34.000 He murdered two people at once.

00:16:35.000 Double homicide.

00:16:36.000 Yeah, that'll put you away.

00:16:38.000 People frown upon that.

00:16:38.000 Yeah.

00:16:40.000 Well, we've noticed a pattern over time since Cave Days where when we allow that, it gets worse.

00:16:47.000 It gets worse and worse and worse.

00:16:49.000 That's one of the most amazing things about human history, how frequently people were just killing each other up until really recently.

00:16:55.000 Yeah.

00:16:56.000 Like I was at a place recently, last week actually, that they didn't have cable, they didn't have internet, but they had a stack of DVDs.

00:17:06.000 And so we said, all right, what we got here?

00:17:08.000 And we watched Gangs of New York.

00:17:10.000 Right.

00:17:11.000 And, you know, that opening scene with Liam Neeson's crew versus Daniel Day-Lewis' crew battling with fucking machetes and axes and shit.

00:17:18.000 Like, that's not that long ago.

00:17:21.000 And that movie was hyperbolic, but there was like a claw lady who had the claws. 1.00

00:17:26.000 Bill the Butcher was a guy.

00:17:28.000 Yeah.

00:17:28.000 He did.

00:17:29.000 He was a butcher.

00:17:30.000 He did have a fucking glass eye.

00:17:31.000 Yeah, and he probably did kill a gang of fucking people.

00:17:34.000 Yeah.

00:17:35.000 Well, you look at life expectancy and you go, people died really young back then.

00:17:38.000 But no, I think those stats are skewed by the number of people who died, childbirth, five, 10 years old, 20 in a fight.

00:17:47.000 There's plenty of guys that lived till 75.

00:17:49.000 Yeah.

00:17:50.000 But so many people died young that it fucks the stats.

00:17:54.000 And you think everyone died at 30.

00:17:56.000 Yeah, stats are interesting like that, right?

00:17:58.000 Like you got to go, oh, how is that possible?

00:18:00.000 And then you look, oh, I see.

00:18:02.000 It's because so many people were murdered.

00:18:05.000 Well, I was noticing the other day.

00:18:05.000 Oh, okay.

00:18:06.000 You look at old photos, like you got that old mug shot.

00:18:09.000 Who's that, Rosa Parks? 1.00

00:18:10.000 Yeah.

00:18:11.000 You're the first guy to guess that correctly.

00:18:12.000 Oh, really?

00:18:13.000 By the way.

00:18:13.000 Yeah.

00:18:14.000 And they're all cross-eyed in them. 0.92

00:18:16.000 And she's not.

00:18:17.000 But I realize, oh, you were in a fucking all-out brawl.

00:18:22.000 And your retina got separated from your eye.

00:18:25.000 And then it was just, oh, well, I'm cross-eyed now.

00:18:27.000 From now on.

00:18:28.000 I lost one eye.

00:18:29.000 This right eye doesn't work, but that's fine.

00:18:31.000 Yeah, they didn't fix anything back then.

00:18:34.000 I put this on Instagram yesterday.

00:18:34.000 I have a buddy.

00:18:36.000 It has a fucking nasty picture.

00:18:38.000 My buddy got a staph infection, and it became MRSA.

00:18:42.000 Do you know that medication-resistant staph infection?

00:18:45.000 Oh, oh, it's disgusting.

00:18:48.000 I knew if a guy had that so bad.

00:18:50.000 Oh my God, that's fucking gross.

00:18:52.000 How deep is that hole?

00:18:54.000 Well, they had to open him up.

00:18:55.000 The big scar up the knee was because the infection was so bad.

00:18:59.000 They had to cut him open like a fish, and they had to disinfect the area and drain the area.

00:19:05.000 But it all came about because his knee was swollen.

00:19:08.000 So he had to get his knee drained.

00:19:10.000 And he got his knee drained, and he caught MRSA.

00:19:12.000 At the hospital?

00:19:13.000 He doesn't know.

00:19:14.000 You don't know where you catch it.

00:19:15.000 And a lot of guys get it from jiu-jitsu.

00:19:18.000 Because jiu-jitsu, there's a lot of scratches and a lot of abrasions.

00:19:22.000 They actually have specific soap that they've developed just to keep your skin flora, your outside skin flora.

00:19:29.000 You were just talking before the show About how jiu-jitsu ruined your back.

00:19:32.000 Well, it definitely hurts stuff.

00:19:33.000 Let's stop the jiu-jitsu.

00:19:36.000 It's lose-lose.

00:19:37.000 What's the win?

00:19:38.000 You learn how to choke people.

00:19:39.000 It's very fun.

00:19:40.000 It's like the most advanced version of chess.

00:19:42.000 Huh.

00:19:43.000 Everyone says that about every sport.

00:19:44.000 Yeah, they do.

00:19:45.000 I know.

00:19:46.000 It's like everybody calls chess.

00:19:47.000 Boxing is chess.

00:19:48.000 It's like people say, well, that's our version of the word nigger.

00:19:54.000 They always like to do that.

00:19:55.000 It's that expression.

00:19:57.000 Gay people like to say that with the word faggot. 1.00

00:19:59.000 Or I've heard that with tranny. 0.99

00:20:01.000 Yeah, I heard that with long hair. 0.90

00:20:03.000 These dudes who, we did an article about invice a long time ago, but guys who are super serious about long hair and getting through that awkward phase, they call it when it's like here, and someone goes, get a haircut, and they go, that's our version of nigger. 0.98

00:20:16.000 That's like our version of being dragged behind a truck.

00:20:19.000 And I go.

00:20:19.000 Oh, my God.

00:20:20.000 Casper, Texas.

00:20:21.000 Being dragged behind a truck is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you.

00:20:26.000 Haircuts don't feel like anything.

00:20:29.000 Somebody really said that?

00:20:30.000 Yeah.

00:20:31.000 They should be beaten.

00:20:32.000 That person should be thrown to a maximum security penitentiary.

00:20:32.000 Yeah.

00:20:35.000 That's a good doors.

00:20:37.000 Just have them get their ass kicked and stuff. 0.98

00:20:38.000 Don't drag them behind a truck till they die.

00:20:40.000 Drag them behind a truck for 15 feet because that probably kills you.

00:20:45.000 It might kill you.

00:20:46.000 It won't kill you, but it hurts like 15 feet.

00:20:47.000 It could have hit your head.

00:20:49.000 Depends on how you protect your head.

00:20:51.000 Because you might hurt your elbow and then lift your elbow up and then you face plant and then it's over.

00:20:55.000 Right.

00:20:56.000 Because how strong are you mentally to let your elbows just grind down to nothing?

00:21:01.000 Because once that 15 feet starts, you don't really know when it's going to end.

00:21:06.000 I mean, they might say they're going to take you for 15 feet, but you have to have faith that they don't just go, yeah, stop that fucking gas.

00:21:15.000 I think it might be worse than drowning.

00:21:15.000 Oh, my God.

00:21:17.000 You meant 15 miles.

00:21:19.000 Yeah, it's worse than drowning.

00:21:20.000 Worse than being buried alive, too?

00:21:22.000 Yeah.

00:21:23.000 Well, buried alive, I don't think, would be as painful.

00:21:26.000 It'd be horrific and terrifying.

00:21:29.000 Drowning, they say, is actually fairly peaceful once you just give it up.

00:21:33.000 It's like there's the struggle and then you give it up.

00:21:35.000 How would they know?

00:21:36.000 Burned the only people that are drowned.

00:21:37.000 Burned alive.

00:21:38.000 Maybe they can test the stress levels on the cadaver or something.

00:21:42.000 I don't know why you'd die.

00:21:43.000 Did you do that?

00:21:44.000 Let's go.

00:21:45.000 Burned alive top.

00:21:47.000 Dragbine and Chuck 2.

00:21:49.000 Drowning 3.

00:21:51.000 In Canada, we say buried.

00:21:53.000 Buried alive 4.

00:21:54.000 I say buried.

00:21:55.000 Yeah.

00:21:55.000 Oh, you do?

00:21:57.000 What do people say?

00:21:57.000 Buried.

00:21:59.000 How do you pronounce the space place N-A-S-H?

00:22:02.000 Buried.

00:22:04.000 NASA?

00:22:04.000 NASA.

00:22:05.000 How do you say it?

00:22:06.000 NASA.

00:22:07.000 Like the Bahamas?

00:22:09.000 Well, it's two A's.

00:22:10.000 Why is your second A different than your first day?

00:22:13.000 NASA.

00:22:14.000 That's true.

00:22:14.000 It's not N-A-S-E-H.

00:22:18.000 NASA.

00:22:22.000 NASA.

00:22:22.000 But what do some people say?

00:22:24.000 Americans say NASA?

00:22:26.000 NASA.

00:22:26.000 Canadians say NASA.

00:22:28.000 But why would you say NASA?

00:22:29.000 There's no W. You're right. 0.93

00:22:32.000 That's stupid.

00:22:33.000 You're right.

00:22:34.000 Wow, I'm learning a lot today.

00:22:37.000 We fixed it.

00:22:40.000 It's weird.

00:22:42.000 Black people love acronyms like FAME stands for, you know, forget anything, me, everyone.

00:22:51.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:52.000 Well, I think it's a sign of lateness when you get into the word rather than go look it up and they'll be like, library, where they keep the lies.

00:23:02.000 No, that's different.

00:23:03.000 And you're like, why don't you move past just the fucking word library and get into like publishing or what gets published and what doesn't. 0.57

00:23:12.000 I don't need you to take apart the syllables things.

00:23:14.000 My favorite is fear, false evidence appearing real.

00:23:19.000 No, no, no, no.

00:23:20.000 You should be fucking scared.

00:23:21.000 There's some shit that'll kill you.

00:23:22.000 I'll tell you, that is the biggest, way worse than racism and anything else, the biggest albatross on black America's neck is this vision, this assumption that the world's out to get you.

00:23:35.000 And there's no sense in trying.

00:23:36.000 You can go to law school.

00:23:37.000 You can graduate alma cum laude or whatever it's called.

00:23:41.000 You won't get a law job because you're black. 1.00

00:23:43.000 So they go, well, fuck you, world.

00:23:45.000 Like when the Ferguson riots were cops are killing us, we're fighting back.

00:23:50.000 And you go, cops aren't killing you.

00:23:52.000 Stop assuming.

00:23:54.000 Well, they killed that one guy.

00:23:56.000 Yeah, sort of.

00:23:57.000 But the Ferguson one was the worst example.

00:24:00.000 It's weird how examples get picked up and then people run with like the worst one.

00:24:06.000 It's like, like Ferguson was, that was a bad guy.

00:24:09.000 That was a guy that had just committed a robbery just before, had punched the cop, was in a fist fight with the cop and got shot at close range.

00:24:18.000 Like he shot, and then shot him, and then people like, hands up, don't shoot.

00:24:24.000 Like that became the narrative.

00:24:25.000 Like, boy, I don't know if there's a lot of evidence that that hands-up thing happened at all.

00:24:30.000 That guy seems like a thug.

00:24:31.000 I can get you black guys shot by cops. 1.00

00:24:34.000 I can get you black guys killed by racists.

00:24:36.000 I can get you black guys who stuck with their families and had kids and got fucked over and are in jail for no reason. 0.96

00:24:43.000 Let's do those guys right now.

00:24:44.000 He's not sexy enough.

00:24:45.000 Yeah, but like, here's a sexy one that I understand didn't take off as much, like the Tamir Rice kid.

00:24:50.000 The 12-year-old kid.

00:24:52.000 That guy saw that kid for two fucking seconds and shot him and killed him.

00:24:56.000 That's the guy who had a BB gun?

00:24:57.000 Yeah, he had an airsoft gun.

00:24:59.000 And the guy who shot him had poor evaluations on his ability to handle stress, had a breakdown during one of his training exercises.

00:25:10.000 They said he was terrible at communicating to the point where they didn't think that he would be able to fix it.

00:25:15.000 They didn't think they'd be able to make him a good cop.

00:25:17.000 He resigned from that police force, was picked up by this police force, goes on to fucking kill this kid.

00:25:22.000 Then, on top of that, they have private people investigate it, or whatever groups they have investigated, and they decide that what he did seemed normal.

00:25:32.000 Like, that was the most recent finding, that what he did seemed like he was.

00:25:36.000 Wasn't there a bunch of kids shooting people with BB guns in that area and doing robberies with BB guns?

00:25:41.000 It was an epidemic in that area.

00:25:43.000 It may be possible, but either way, you don't fucking shoot a 12-year-old kid within two seconds of seeing him.

00:25:43.000 I do not know that.

00:25:49.000 I mean, if he's got a BB gun, you just don't, you don't do that.

00:25:53.000 But to me, that one is like, oh my God, you're dealing with a 12-year-old boy who's playing with a gun, a toy gun.

00:25:59.000 I don't know whether or not There was an epidemic.

00:26:01.000 This is the first time I'm hearing that, but that makes a little more sense.

00:26:05.000 But that seems to me like a way better one to highlight.

00:26:08.000 That's a serious one.

00:26:10.000 Well, the elephant in the room with all this stuff is black failure, white guilt. 0.99

00:26:13.000 And we need to explain why blacks are in prison. 1.00

00:26:16.000 We need to explain why blacks are doing badly. 1.00

00:26:18.000 And to say, oh, cops are fucking horrible racist pigs.

00:26:23.000 And America's racist explains away the failure.

00:26:27.000 And then there's no culpability.

00:26:29.000 And you go, oh, that's why they're doing bad.

00:26:32.000 It's our fault.

00:26:33.000 And then you can get on with your day.

00:26:35.000 But no, you're in jail because you'd committed a crime.

00:26:40.000 Right, but the problem is like when crime is all around you, you grow up in this environment that's the same as it was 30, 40 years ago.

00:26:47.000 I had this guy, Michael Wood, who's a Baltimore cop on the show.

00:26:51.000 And when he was a cop, he was talking about this area where they used to arrest people.

00:26:57.000 This is the area where the drugs were.

00:26:59.000 This area had a lot of violent crime in this place.

00:27:02.000 And they found this mandate from 1970 something, right?

00:27:06.000 70 something.

00:27:08.000 And when they found it, it was the exact same areas with the exact same crime.

00:27:13.000 Like they were going over the police reports from the 70s.

00:27:17.000 And they're like, Jesus Christ, are we fucking spinning our wheels or what?

00:27:20.000 Like this is the exact same areas, the exact same kind of crime.

00:27:23.000 Like it's never going to change.

00:27:25.000 It's just a swarm of bullshit in this one area.

00:27:28.000 These kids grow up in this.

00:27:30.000 It becomes their environment.

00:27:32.000 They become institutionalized.

00:27:34.000 Like it becomes their reality.

00:27:36.000 And then they're stuck.

00:27:37.000 And it's so hard to get out of that.

00:27:40.000 It's so hard for me to empathize with that.

00:27:42.000 I mean, I look at Greenpoint, which is a really poor Polish neighborhood, and it's crime-free. 1.00

00:27:47.000 There's drunks all over the street passed out, but it's crime-free.

00:27:50.000 You look at any poor Eastern European neighborhood, like Brighton Beach in Brooklyn.

00:27:55.000 And I think of my dad.

00:27:56.000 My dad grew up so poor that his toes make me dry heave because he had his brothers hand-me-down shoes and they were too small.

00:28:04.000 And if you wear shoes too small, after an hour, you're like, I'm going to kill myself.

00:28:09.000 But his whole life was shoes that were too small.

00:28:11.000 It looks like Chinese footbinding.

00:28:13.000 And he fought every day of his life.

00:28:15.000 You know, slept with his brothers, whom he fought every day.

00:28:18.000 And he got scholarships because he was smart.

00:28:20.000 But in Glasgow, being a student is like the worst thing it can be.

00:28:25.000 So if you have a private school blazer, that's like wearing a Klansman uniform in Harlem. 0.54

00:28:30.000 So they go, you fucking shouldn't.

00:28:32.000 And then they would fight.

00:28:34.000 So his nose, he looks like a boxer.

00:28:35.000 He looks kind of like KRS-1.

00:28:37.000 His nose is totally flat.

00:28:38.000 He's got huge elephant, like inner tire lips.

00:28:42.000 I don't know why I said elephant.

00:28:44.000 Big elephant lips. 0.68

00:28:46.000 And he made tons of money and brought us to Canada, raised a middle-class family from poverty, and he never complained about it once.

00:28:55.000 And he would have a million reasons to say, that's why I fucked up and that's why I'm in jail.

00:29:00.000 But don't you think that this is an environment, like you're talking about, a guy who lived in a certain area and moved to another area, like had the courage and had the ambition to get out of that area.

00:29:00.000 He did go to jail.

00:29:14.000 And it became a thing with Europeans.

00:29:16.000 I mean, the United States was essentially founded by Europeans who weren't happy with Europe.

00:29:20.000 So these ambitious people that created this new environment and these new places and these new immigrants who all got together and they created these communities.

00:29:29.000 Like my grandparents lived in Newark, and that was an Italian community that all came over here.

00:29:35.000 They all came over from the boat from Italy.

00:29:38.000 And my grandfather on the other side came over from Ireland.

00:29:41.000 But this is like a group of people that were very ambitious and wanted to do better.

00:29:46.000 So they came to America. 0.99

00:29:47.000 Whereas you're dealing in the African-American community with people who are slaves. 0.99

00:29:51.000 You don't use that word, do you?

00:29:53.000 African-American?

00:29:54.000 Why don't we say black? 0.99

00:29:55.000 Yes, okay.

00:29:56.000 So black community, you're dealing with people whose ancestors were slaves, and then they are released and they live in these environments.

00:30:04.000 Then you have, in places like Baltimore, institutionalized racism where you're really not even allowed to sell.

00:30:09.000 But they did.

00:30:10.000 They had places where you weren't allowed to sell homes to black people.

00:30:15.000 You want to talk about what the Irish stuff went through?

00:30:17.000 You want to talk about an echo of that?

00:30:18.000 There's an echo of that that lasts long.

00:30:20.000 I don't know.

00:30:21.000 I think you're in 2015.

00:30:23.000 Your lot in life is who you are.

00:30:25.000 And I was actually thinking about you.

00:30:26.000 I was beating off the other day thinking about you.

00:30:29.000 No, but I was thinking about you.

00:30:30.000 Socks on or off?

00:30:32.000 I had to take my socks off because I had to jizz in them. 0.91

00:30:35.000 But I used to, growing up punk rock, you laugh at Hollywood and you laugh at celebrity and you go, they're all fucking phony losers.

00:30:43.000 But in my old age, I'm starting to think, maybe these people are talented.

00:30:47.000 And you were on that show.

00:30:48.000 What was it, Radio Days?

00:30:49.000 News Radio.

00:30:49.000 News Radio, right?

00:30:51.000 Look at all the other people on that show.

00:30:53.000 I think you get 11 million listeners.

00:30:56.000 Is that right?

00:30:56.000 It's probably a little more than that now.

00:30:58.000 A really insane episode of Hannity, which is the most successful show on the most successful network, I think gets 4 million.

00:31:05.000 11 million is fucking insane.

00:31:08.000 I think Anderson Cooper gets 100,000 viewers.

00:31:12.000 So I'm starting to think maybe Joe Rogan is just very talented.

00:31:16.000 Like Jennifer Aniston, she was on that show with Friends, right?

00:31:20.000 Courtney Cox had her Cougar Town thing.

00:31:24.000 Normally I would roll my eyes at this, but I honestly was thinking about this yesterday.

00:31:28.000 I thought, wait a minute, she went from Friends to Hollywood.

00:31:31.000 Maybe she's just a really good actress. 1.00

00:31:33.000 Maybe she's just really good at her job.

00:31:35.000 And if you dropped her out of a plane in Costa Rica, maybe within a few days she'd have like a coconut stand. 0.97

00:31:41.000 And, you know, maybe she was genetically predisposed to be successful. 0.99

00:31:45.000 Well, I don't necessarily think it's genetically predisposed, but she certainly worked at it. 0.96

00:31:49.000 Yeah, but they all did.

00:31:50.000 Everyone on Friends worked at it.

00:31:51.000 I don't think they did.

00:31:52.000 I mean, Matt LeBlanc's got a show now on Showtime, right?

00:31:56.000 He has some show that no one else is.

00:31:57.000 Yeah, like Joey, where he plays himself.

00:31:59.000 No, it's some new show.

00:32:00.000 It's like he let his hair grow gray, and I don't know what the fuck he's doing.

00:32:05.000 But the other people on the show, they made a shitload of money, and that kills ambition, right?

00:32:11.000 And they kind of stopped.

00:32:12.000 But she was the only one that really developed a film career.

00:32:15.000 And obviously she works hard, but that's the case with almost all those shows. 1.00

00:32:18.000 It's like one person goes on to do everything.

00:32:21.000 And what I'm saying is maybe that person was very talented.

00:32:24.000 Like Phil Hartman was on news radio.

00:32:27.000 Incredibly talented guy.

00:32:27.000 Yeah.

00:32:29.000 He would be rich and famous if his fucking wife didn't blow his head off. 1.00

00:32:33.000 Yeah, no doubt.

00:32:34.000 Unquestionably.

00:32:35.000 Or the guy that was on the show from Kids in the Hall.

00:32:38.000 Dave Foley.

00:32:39.000 Maybe he's not talented.

00:32:40.000 No, he's very talented.

00:32:41.000 But Dave, he went through a fucking horrible divorce and is still going to be.

00:32:46.000 Everyone did.

00:32:47.000 Half the country's divorced.

00:32:49.000 This is what happened.

00:32:50.000 I'll explain to you.

00:32:52.000 He was married while he was on news radio, and he was making more money than ever in his life.

00:32:59.000 What, like 30 grand an episode?

00:33:01.000 Probably, maybe more than that.

00:33:02.000 I think I was probably making that.

00:33:03.000 So he's probably making more than me.

00:33:05.000 50.

00:33:06.000 Yeah, something like that.

00:33:07.000 And when they broke up and got divorced, the judge ordered him to pay a certain amount of child support, not alimony, a certain amount of alimony, but the child support was based upon the amount of money that he was making at the time.

00:33:22.000 And he had to argue that that was unreasonable.

00:33:25.000 And the judge literally said to him, your ability to pay has no relation to your obligation to pay.

00:33:33.000 And he's like, what the fuck does that mean?

00:33:35.000 Like, you have an obligation to pay.

00:33:38.000 I don't care what your ability to pay is.

00:33:40.000 This is what the obligation is.

00:33:41.000 That's probably true if you remove the amount.

00:33:44.000 If you have a kid, you're obligated to pay.

00:33:47.000 Yeah, well, you're looking at, you know, he's making several hundred thousand dollars a month, and then all of a sudden he has to pay half of that, and he can't.

00:33:55.000 So he was, like, within a very short order, it was half a million dollars in debt to this woman who is, in his words, a raging cunt. 0.96

00:34:02.000 She was always a crazy person. 0.99

00:34:04.000 She's just in his eyes.

00:34:06.000 I know, but again, I'm lacking empathy.

00:34:09.000 And I'm Dante Nero.

00:34:10.000 Do you know who he is?

00:34:12.000 Beige Phillips?

00:34:13.000 Yes.

00:34:14.000 His shit is, and I agree with him, if your marriage failed, you fucked up.

00:34:19.000 With a few exceptions.

00:34:20.000 Like Jim Goad's wife is fucking insane. 1.00

00:34:23.000 But if your marriage failed, then your boat sank and you're the captain of the ship.

00:34:29.000 And why did you have kids?

00:34:31.000 Like Louis C.K., he's bragging about his divorce and how awesome it was.

00:34:36.000 And I've talked to friends.

00:34:38.000 I know all his friends.

00:34:39.000 I don't know him.

00:34:39.000 But they're always like, well, she was a nut and she was a rich artist type and she wasn't livable withable.

00:34:46.000 And I go, why'd you come in her then?

00:34:49.000 Why'd you come in a crazy bitch? 1.00

00:34:50.000 So even if you accept it, people change.

00:34:52.000 It's your fault.

00:34:53.000 People move.

00:34:54.000 No, that's what I'm saying.

00:34:57.000 You control their change.

00:34:59.000 If you're a real man, you control her.

00:35:02.000 But you can't.

00:35:03.000 And the kids.

00:35:04.000 People change.

00:35:05.000 Men change, women change. 0.98

00:35:06.000 You can't control together.

00:35:08.000 But you don't always.

00:35:09.000 You have to change yourself.

00:35:10.000 Sometimes you just want your job there.

00:35:12.000 That's like saying you have a corporation and your employees, you know, you say, oh, well, my employees changed.

00:35:17.000 No, this is how we're running the company.

00:35:19.000 You guys have to show up nine to five and we're going to do it this way.

00:35:22.000 We're making grapple grummits.

00:35:23.000 Well, sometimes things, even though they're successful, they fail over time.

00:35:27.000 Like Pontiac.

00:35:28.000 The GTO is an awesome car.

00:35:30.000 So is a Transam.

00:35:31.000 None of them exist anymore.

00:35:32.000 Pontiac doesn't think that.

00:35:33.000 They should have adapted.

00:35:34.000 Or not.

00:35:35.000 They should have made shitty or just cough drums. 1.00

00:35:37.000 They did a good job.

00:35:37.000 Look at it.

00:35:38.000 Look at Doc Martin's GTO's work of art.

00:35:41.000 Let's get out of here.

00:35:41.000 Doc Martin's were punk skinhead shoes.

00:35:44.000 Then they were 90s grunge shoes.

00:35:46.000 Now they're lesbian footwear. 1.00

00:35:47.000 And then they went, let's be lesbian footwear. 1.00

00:35:49.000 We got to adapt.

00:35:50.000 Let's become flu vogs.

00:35:51.000 Right.

00:35:52.000 Well, certainly you can adapt, but you might be happier.

00:35:55.000 You might be happier breaking up, giving her money, and then finding young girls that you can have sex with, like Louis C.K. is doing.

00:36:02.000 I'm against it.

00:36:02.000 Why?

00:36:04.000 That's not the way it goes.

00:36:08.000 And it's bad for the kids.

00:36:09.000 Okay, that I agree with you.

00:36:11.000 And what's worse, you need to have...

00:36:11.000 That I agree with you.

00:36:14.000 You have to have kids.

00:36:16.000 So you don't have kids, right?

00:36:17.000 I have three.

00:36:18.000 Oh, that's awesome.

00:36:19.000 Are you married?

00:36:20.000 Oh, great.

00:36:22.000 The three kids you have are with her?

00:36:24.000 Yeah.

00:36:24.000 Well, that's fucking, I'm glad.

00:36:25.000 I can relax.

00:36:26.000 Because every time I talk about divorce and kids, especially with people in the comedy world, I'm talking to someone who's divorced and never had kids.

00:36:33.000 Well, it's very common.

00:36:34.000 But I am married specifically because I have kids.

00:36:37.000 And they'll see, I mean, I've always said, don't get married, don't get married.

00:36:39.000 Marriage is a contract with the state, which I agree with up until when I had kids, I was like, look, bringing a life into the world to me is way more of a commitment than a legal contract that you can get out of with a lawyer.

00:36:52.000 Right.

00:36:52.000 So like that, that contract, the contract with the child was so much bigger and so much more involving.

00:36:59.000 And I had so much more commitment to raising kids.

00:37:02.000 I was like, okay, let's do it.

00:37:04.000 Like, if you want to, like, and if I get divorced somewhere down the line.

00:37:08.000 Then you fucked up.

00:37:09.000 Well, maybe not.

00:37:10.000 You know, maybe it's just people want to move on.

00:37:12.000 No, not while throwing the towel.

00:37:14.000 What I'm saying is not while the kids are young.

00:37:16.000 I mean, I'll do everything I can to not because I just think for kids, it, well, I say that, but goddamn it, I know a lot of goddamn interesting people that became interesting.

00:37:27.000 I'm not going to use this as an excuse because I'm actually happily married, but people that became interesting because they went through childhood breakups and they moved around a lot.

00:37:37.000 I mean, Mike Tyson's a good fighter because his childhood was hell.

00:37:37.000 Sort of.

00:37:40.000 Didn't he want everyone to have a shitty childhood so they become good friends?

00:37:43.000 No.

00:37:44.000 No, I mean, it's not necessarily a good fighter, but I mean, like, interesting people.

00:37:47.000 Like, every interesting person that I know overcame adversity.

00:37:50.000 They went through some crazy shit.

00:37:51.000 That's a great point.

00:37:52.000 That's a great point.

00:37:53.000 That's a hard thing.

00:37:54.000 You have children?

00:37:54.000 Yeah, I got three.

00:37:55.000 So when you're, you know, I'm sure you take care of your kids, but do you think of it like, man, I'm sort of sheltering these children from the very things that made me interesting?

00:38:04.000 A lot of my friends that have kids, we kind of go through that dilemma.

00:38:07.000 Yeah, but I got plans for that.

00:38:09.000 I mean, I want to send them to boarding school.

00:38:12.000 Yeah.

00:38:12.000 For real?

00:38:13.000 Yeah.

00:38:13.000 Boarding camp.

00:38:14.000 Boarding school.

00:38:15.000 Really?

00:38:15.000 Like, send them away to go to school?

00:38:17.000 Every top producer at Fox News went to boarding school.

00:38:19.000 Okay, well, then don't send your kids to boarding school.

00:38:21.000 There you go.

00:38:22.000 You got that nailed.

00:38:23.000 I keep thinking you're right-wing, but you're not right-wing.

00:38:25.000 I'm in some ways.

00:38:26.000 Okay.

00:38:26.000 In some way.

00:38:28.000 I'm an outlier.

00:38:29.000 I'm a middle of the road.

00:38:31.000 I'm in the NRA, but I support gay rights and, you know, and a million other things, pro-choice, million other things that people would associate with left-wing.

00:38:40.000 I'm obviously pro-marijuana.

00:38:42.000 Right.

00:38:43.000 Well, you're normal, basically.

00:38:45.000 I just don't believe in right or left.

00:38:47.000 I think most of it is bullshit.

00:38:48.000 And these ideologies that you have to rigidly apply, you know, and you originally adhere to the right or the left, and you, you know, you automatically...

00:39:00.000 He was talking about Democrats.

00:39:01.000 He's like, well, we got to win the Senate because if we win the Senate, I go, we.

00:39:05.000 What is this we shit?

00:39:06.000 What is this we?

00:39:07.000 Are you on a team?

00:39:08.000 Are you on a team?

00:39:09.000 Because you're talking we.

00:39:11.000 Like, are you, he goes, well, as a lifelong Democrat, I'm like, you're a lifelong Democrat.

00:39:15.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

00:39:17.000 It's like the Dallas Cowboys.

00:39:19.000 I just want people to be left alone.

00:39:20.000 I want in politics, there's two groups.

00:39:23.000 It's people who want to be left the fuck alone and people who won't leave them the fuck alone.

00:39:27.000 And I tend to go right on most things because the right, as of today, seems to want smaller government than the left.

00:39:34.000 But that's not always true.

00:39:35.000 Like George W. Bush spent way more than Clinton.

00:39:39.000 I don't know if I believe that.

00:39:40.000 I think they just go where the money is.

00:39:42.000 I think they go where the money is and they go where the influence is.

00:39:44.000 You know, we were talking before the show about this thing that I'm doing with Anthony Bourdain, where we're going to an episode of his show that we're going hunting for birds, and we're going to talk about public land versus private land.

00:39:58.000 And Steve Rinella, who's the host of the show, Meat Eater, who's on the podcast earlier this week, had a really good point about politics.

00:40:06.000 He's like, he said, I'm a political eunuch, was his words.

00:40:09.000 He goes, because you got the left, which is trying to take away gun rights.

00:40:13.000 So I can't support that.

00:40:14.000 Then you got the right who supports your gun rights, but they're taking away private land.

00:40:18.000 They're taking away, or public land that is used for hunting.

00:40:21.000 They're selling it away to corporations.

00:40:24.000 And so he goes, like, I'm kind of fucked.

00:40:26.000 He goes, because on both hands, because he's a professional hunter.

00:40:29.000 So on both sides, he's like, I can't adhere to either one of these.

00:40:32.000 The right is selling land away to corporations?

00:40:36.000 What I think is doing is there are many in the Republican administration and many on that side that are supporting the rights of corporations to either sell away or take away some public land that is right now used.

00:40:51.000 You know, there's public national parks and public areas.

00:40:54.000 When they find these resource-rich areas that they can exploit and make a lot of money, then they'll sell contracts to these corporations.

00:41:02.000 I mean, this is what's going on in Alaska when they're talking about drilling and stuff.

00:41:06.000 But maybe if you give it time, the free market will make nature better.

00:41:12.000 I mean, we saw that in Zimbabwe.

00:41:14.000 Mugabe was starving the fucking wildlife to death, and then he started selling off the land.

00:41:20.000 They realized that it is in their best interest to have lions and fucking zebras and giraffes running around.

00:41:26.000 So wildlife started coming back.

00:41:28.000 And that Cecil the Lion dude was a result of the free market getting involved in hunting.

00:41:35.000 But that's a very extreme example of an insanely poor area.

00:41:39.000 And on top of that, one of the best versions of that, there's a Louis Theroux documentary on these African hunting camps.

00:41:45.000 And I hunt, so I have these conversations with people all the time.

00:41:49.000 The way they did it in Africa, most of the animals that are hunted on a regular basis now were on the verge of extinction. 0.97

00:41:56.000 All these different elands and different bucks and different kinds of deer and antelope, they're fucking dying off like crazy.

00:42:05.000 But now they have them in these private hunting camps.

00:42:07.000 So they have thousands of them.

00:42:09.000 And they're thriving.

00:42:10.000 But they're thriving so that people can go over there and kill them.

00:42:13.000 Like it's this crazy catch-22.

00:42:15.000 No, you can't.

00:42:16.000 You can't do it.

00:42:17.000 It's like the guy who found a Greenpeace, who's now kind of anti-Greenpeace, goes, if you want more forests, buy more wood.

00:42:25.000 Because you incentivize trees.

00:42:29.000 Right, but in order to get a real good hardwood tree that's 100 feet tall, it has to grow for hundreds of years.

00:42:36.000 And if you chop all those fuckers down, you're not going to have any.

00:42:39.000 Not only that, you change the environment in which these trees grow.

00:42:42.000 All the birds, the songbirds disappear.

00:42:44.000 Their nesting areas go away.

00:42:46.000 The environment completely changes.

00:42:48.000 Like, there's a lot of issues.

00:42:50.000 You can't just say, like, go in there and chop it.

00:42:53.000 In North America, there's more trees now than there ever was before.

00:42:57.000 And that's more trees than there was before.

00:42:59.000 More trees now.

00:43:00.000 No, a lot of them are small.

00:43:01.000 Time is skinny.

00:43:02.000 But that's because we like trees.

00:43:05.000 We need trees.

00:43:06.000 Well, because we sell them.

00:43:07.000 I look at like Ducks Unlimited, right?

00:43:09.000 Isn't that run by hunters?

00:43:10.000 Yes.

00:43:11.000 So they are doing more for marshlands than the government ever could.

00:43:14.000 That's true.

00:43:15.000 Yeah, that is true.

00:43:16.000 But that's because they want those lands.

00:43:19.000 Those are public lands, though.

00:43:20.000 Like the lands that they're preserving, these habitats are public.

00:43:24.000 So what are these corporations doing with this land?

00:43:27.000 Well, look, fracking.

00:43:28.000 Fracking's a huge issue. 1.00

00:43:29.000 Fracking's awesome.

00:43:30.000 Yeah.

00:43:30.000 Well, is it?

00:43:31.000 Yeah.

00:43:31.000 It's not awesome if you live downwater from it and you're waiting for it.

00:43:34.000 It doesn't pollute water.

00:43:35.000 There's a possibility it could pollute water.

00:43:37.000 It definitely pollutes water. 1.00

00:43:38.000 No, it does not.

00:43:39.000 But there's definitely wells that have been polluted by fracking.

00:43:42.000 Maybe one.

00:43:43.000 Oh, come on, man.

00:43:44.000 That's not true.

00:43:46.000 That's not true.

00:43:46.000 How many movies was a light your tap water on fire?

00:43:53.000 That water was always flammable.

00:43:56.000 It's naturally occurring methane in the water.

00:43:58.000 There's Burning Springs, New York.

00:44:00.000 I think it's methane.

00:44:01.000 Methane.

00:44:02.000 Nassau.

00:44:04.000 They use centrifugal force.

00:44:08.000 That water was always flammable.

00:44:09.000 That's why people frack there because there's methane in the water. 1.00

00:44:13.000 Well, I don't know if that's the case.

00:44:15.000 It's the case.

00:44:16.000 It can be that that's the case.

00:44:18.000 It also can be.

00:44:18.000 It's risky, just like an air conditioner falling on your head is risky.

00:44:22.000 Everything has inherent risk.

00:44:23.000 And where I am in the Catskills, my place upstate, there's tons of perfect land for fracking.

00:44:30.000 And these people, all the hippies, all the weekenders, the Sidiots, as they're called. 0.88

00:44:35.000 I'm one of them.

00:44:35.000 The Sidiots?

00:44:36.000 Yeah.

00:44:37.000 They banned it.

00:44:38.000 Mark Ruffalo is one of the big guys up where I am.

00:44:40.000 Oh, the Hulk?

00:44:41.000 The Hulk banned it.

00:44:42.000 And these kids in my neighborhood up there are in Afghanistan.

00:44:48.000 So they're going there, risking their lives to get what I call unethical oil, oil from people who stone women to death, because we've considered natural gas some sort of, and fucking 80% of your natural gas is already fracked.

00:45:02.000 All of Ohio, Texas, that's all fracking.

00:45:04.000 Well, it's certainly changed the price of gas.

00:45:07.000 Gas has dropped dramatically since they started doing that.

00:45:09.000 Frack it up.

00:45:10.000 But I don't know.

00:45:11.000 Frack it up.

00:45:12.000 I'm scared of them polluting wells, and I'm scared of them ruining water supplies and the underground water supplies.

00:45:19.000 Okay, this is a lot of ideas and LA in general.

00:45:23.000 Me and L.A. in general.

00:45:24.000 I'm a part of L.A. in general.

00:45:25.000 That's a pattern I've noticed here.

00:45:27.000 Okay.

00:45:28.000 Where you go, like I heard You with Greg Fitzsimmons, and you were talking about teachers.

00:45:33.000 And you're like, the children are our future.

00:45:35.000 They don't get paid enough.

00:45:37.000 And it's Mark Marin says that too.

00:45:37.000 Right.

00:45:38.000 I got in a fight with him, and he never aired my What the Fuck podcast.

00:45:42.000 What?

00:45:42.000 Really?

00:45:43.000 Why?

00:45:44.000 Well, here's my theory: he claimed it was because I came out as a transphobe, and what our interview is now incomplete, and it would be weird to release it without us discussing trans.

00:45:55.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:45:56.000 You came out post-interview as a transphobe?

00:46:00.000 Why is having an opinion on something, whether it's a negative or positive opinion, why is that a phobia?

00:46:00.000 Yes.

00:46:06.000 And that was my point.

00:46:06.000 Exactly.

00:46:08.000 I said, your dad cutting his cock off, you're scared.

00:46:11.000 That's scared.

00:46:12.000 Like, that would be scary.

00:46:13.000 You wouldn't be like, good morning, I guess, mom.

00:46:16.000 You would be freaked the fuck out.

00:46:18.000 And that's a phobia.

00:46:19.000 So we're all transphobic.

00:46:20.000 So I said, transphobia is perfectly natural. 1.00

00:46:24.000 Well, I think I have shit for this, too.

00:46:28.000 You're talking about the MMA.

00:46:29.000 Yeah, but it's only because this guy was a guy for 30 years, became a woman for literally 24 months, started beating the fuck out of women.

00:46:37.000 And if you watch the fights, you're not talking about even a skillful person.

00:46:40.000 It's just like it's someone who's just got a completely different frame.

00:46:44.000 I mean, the way he's throwing these girls around.

00:46:47.000 But that's...

00:46:52.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:46:54.000 If you want to woman. 1.00

00:46:55.000 Well, I do, obviously I support it.

00:46:57.000 But here's a big misnomer with this whole live and let live thing.

00:47:02.000 Like, Anthony Camillo always says, hey, you want to get married?

00:47:05.000 You want to be gay? 1.00

00:47:06.000 Go.

00:47:06.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:47:08.000 Fuck you.

00:47:09.000 Now that we've legalized gay marriage, people are getting fined. 1.00

00:47:13.000 Like a couple in upstate New York got fined $13,000 for not having a gay marriage in their living room.

00:47:19.000 What?

00:47:20.000 I don't understand what that means.

00:47:21.000 Well, they usually host marriages.

00:47:23.000 So they said, no, we don't want to do this here because it's our living room.

00:47:26.000 So I'm a live and let live dude.

00:47:29.000 And now that gay marriage is a thing, people are being forced to go against their religious beliefs. 0.81

00:47:34.000 So it looks like gay marriage is let everyone be, but it's actually fucking with Christians. 0.98

00:47:40.000 Well, that's a very rare case, isn't it?

00:47:42.000 Isn't that a pretty rare case where someone's having these marriages in their living room? 0.85

00:47:46.000 Totally.

00:47:47.000 Yeah, I don't think you should.

00:47:48.000 You want to talk rare.

00:47:48.000 I don't know.

00:47:50.000 Gays wanting to get married is rare.

00:47:52.000 They don't want to get married.

00:47:52.000 How rare is it?

00:47:54.000 No.

00:47:54.000 One on my block.

00:47:55.000 My neighbors are getting married, these two fags upstate. 1.00

00:47:58.000 And they use that word.

00:48:02.000 Majoritive term.

00:48:03.000 They go, yeah, I just proposed.

00:48:06.000 And I'm like, oh, great.

00:48:08.000 And then one of our mutual friends goes, isn't this exciting?

00:48:11.000 And I go, no.

00:48:12.000 They have eightsoms. 0.93

00:48:15.000 Eightsoms.

00:48:15.000 Eightsoms?

00:48:16.000 Like I've bragged before, I've had a bunch of threesomes. 0.98

00:48:19.000 In the hetero world, that's hot shit.

00:48:21.000 But to them, I'm a fag.

00:48:23.000 Because you've only had threesomes?

00:48:25.000 We have eightsms all the time.

00:48:26.000 And I'm like, I can't even picture, like, where do your legs go?

00:48:29.000 Yeah, where's the eightsms?

00:48:31.000 How much cum?

00:48:32.000 Your hair must look like mine, but with cum. 0.90

00:48:36.000 Like, you must have towels.

00:48:37.000 Maybe they're doing it tantric.

00:48:38.000 They're just holding it in.

00:48:39.000 Sucking toes, I mean, even a foursome is kind of... 1.00

00:48:44.000 It's hard to maneuver.

00:48:44.000 Yes.

00:48:46.000 You feel like you're walking around with a clipboard.

00:48:47.000 It's overrated.

00:48:48.000 Are you okay?

00:48:49.000 How are we doing over here?

00:48:50.000 It's missing the critical aspect that makes sex great is when you're really into someone and they're really into you.

00:48:57.000 Like, that's the perfect example.

00:48:58.000 When you can't get that, prostitution is a nice second. 1.00

00:49:01.000 But when you get when two people are really into each other, like you're sharing a moment together, and then there's this other person, and what about me?

00:49:08.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:49:08.000 Oh, yeah.

00:49:09.000 I'm singing.

00:49:09.000 I guess I'm on a ship.

00:49:11.000 What should I do over here?

00:49:12.000 It's like even a trip.

00:49:14.000 Even if you go on a trip with three people, it's kind of weird.

00:49:16.000 It can be, but it could be awesome.

00:49:18.000 It depends on how they gel.

00:49:19.000 I mean, I've had friends that their wife is a freak, and they have threesomes, or their girlfriend's a freak, and they have threesomes, and they go out and hunt for girls, and they do it on purpose, and they enjoy it.

00:49:30.000 That must be fun.

00:49:31.000 And believe me, if my wife brought a chick home, I would not be kicking her out of bed for eating crackers. 1.00

00:49:36.000 I've never experienced that.

00:49:40.000 When I was courting her, she goes, I might be a lesbian, so don't be surprised if I bring chicks home. 1.00

00:49:44.000 Oh, I was like, oh, one of those deals.

00:49:47.000 And we're 10 years in.

00:49:49.000 Where are the chicks?

00:49:50.000 Where are the fucking threesomes? 1.00

00:49:51.000 Yeah, that's a crock of shit.

00:49:53.000 But the reason you have threesomes, and I, guys, if you're listening, never turn it down, struggle, work hard.

00:50:00.000 They're really hard to set up.

00:50:03.000 Sounds like a pop-town.

00:50:04.000 Yeah, like I would say I've probably had about four or five, and a good two-thirds of them, I was like a tour manager.

00:50:11.000 Like, when are you in town?

00:50:12.000 Okay.

00:50:12.000 Right.

00:50:13.000 Setting it up.

00:50:13.000 Well, maybe at 8.30.

00:50:14.000 One of them I had to fake.

00:50:16.000 Look, you go to the bar and you pretend that I know you from high school and you go, oh, my God.

00:50:20.000 And then we'll go upstairs to your hotel.

00:50:21.000 Oh, you had to fake it.

00:50:23.000 Yeah.

00:50:23.000 Interesting.

00:50:23.000 So you got to do those, though, because you beat off about them in your 60s.

00:50:28.000 Oh, I see.

00:50:29.000 So you're filming it with your eyeballs, taking it all in, but the actual act itself is kind of annoying.

00:50:36.000 It can be.

00:50:37.000 And that's why I was saying to the gays, they don't, they're never going to have kids. 1.00

00:50:40.000 They're fucking my age.

00:50:42.000 You have eight SIMs.

00:50:43.000 You take kids and monogamy out of marriage.

00:50:45.000 What's left?

00:50:47.000 I think they want to be able to visit each other when they're in the hospital.

00:50:51.000 Yeah, that old thing.

00:50:52.000 That's like with abortion where they go, what if your dad rapes you? 0.68

00:50:56.000 Can you get an abortion then? 1.00

00:50:57.000 And you go, you mean all one times that happened?

00:51:01.000 Why are we dictating policy based on this crazy scenario?

00:51:04.000 Yeah, I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want.

00:51:09.000 Yeah, you shouldn't have to have lesbians married in your living room. 1.00

00:51:12.000 But if you're gay, you should be able to get married, right? 1.00

00:51:14.000 I don't think you should have to go to a place.

00:51:17.000 Totally.

00:51:18.000 But a place has to be.

00:51:19.000 My shit is they're bullshitting.

00:51:21.000 What do you mean?

00:51:21.000 They don't want to get married.

00:51:22.000 It's just a thing to fuck with us.

00:51:24.000 Don't you think some of them do?

00:51:26.000 Three.

00:51:27.000 Ah.

00:51:27.000 And they're lesbians.

00:51:28.000 This is like your fracking number.

00:51:29.000 One well.

00:51:31.000 You don't really have real statistics.

00:51:33.000 But, you know, gays are 1% of the population.

00:51:35.000 Say half of them are less.

00:51:36.000 Is it really 1%?

00:51:37.000 It's 1%.

00:51:38.000 So it's 1 out of 100 is gay.

00:51:39.000 Yeah.

00:51:39.000 Like, think of your classrooms.

00:51:41.000 How many are lying, though?

00:51:42.000 How many are gay and they just never commit? 0.97

00:51:45.000 So maybe it's 2 out of 100.

00:51:47.000 We all know one click.

00:51:48.000 No, if you're gay, you're gay. 0.96

00:51:49.000 Like, suck a dick. 0.95

00:51:50.000 Yeah, but we all know one clause of this guy, right?

00:51:53.000 He's a fag. 1.00

00:51:55.000 But this whole thing, like, oh, we, like, the far-right religious guy is going, we need to get our kids away from gayness or they're going to go gay. 0.89

00:52:02.000 Suck a million dicks. 1.00

00:52:04.000 Margaret Cho says this.

00:52:05.000 She goes, if you think gay is something you can learn, then I got some bad news for you.

00:52:09.000 You're gay. 1.00

00:52:10.000 I could suck one dick right now. 1.00

00:52:12.000 You ready?

00:52:12.000 I'll suck a dick right now.

00:52:13.000 Okay, here we go.

00:52:16.000 There's a gun to my head.

00:52:19.000 I'm sorry.

00:52:20.000 You're still not gay. 0.99

00:52:20.000 You just sucked a dick. 0.99

00:52:21.000 Right.

00:52:22.000 Now, here's my 999th cock.

00:52:25.000 This guy's, I've been a hostage for two months.

00:52:30.000 I think you'd get way better at it.

00:52:32.000 I think you'd be more efficient because you'd realize if you're more efficient and you pretended you were into it, it would go by quicker.

00:52:37.000 Maybe, yeah.

00:52:38.000 It's like when your wife faces you come quicker. 0.99

00:52:44.000 I think that's what's happening.

00:52:45.000 I don't give a shit if my wife comes. 1.00

00:52:47.000 How dare you?

00:52:48.000 So, but you know, if she's turned on, you get more excited, right?

00:52:51.000 That's the idea.

00:52:52.000 Yeah, baby.

00:52:54.000 You know, people talk about women who are bad in bed. 1.00

00:52:56.000 That's like a painter saying that a canvas is bad.

00:53:00.000 She's just your canvas.

00:53:02.000 You have to maneuver.

00:53:03.000 And that's another reason why women are bad in bed, male and female. 1.00

00:53:09.000 Women can't be bad in bed. 1.00

00:53:11.000 Girls are awkward. 1.00

00:53:11.000 That's not true. 1.00

00:53:13.000 They grind on you weird.

00:53:14.000 They fucking.

00:53:15.000 Then you slap her and you say, don't do that.

00:53:17.000 You fucking go.

00:53:18.000 Turn over.

00:53:19.000 We are talking real here.

00:53:20.000 So, like this Mark Maron thing.

00:53:22.000 Tell me what happened.

00:53:23.000 Okay, so we were in...

00:53:24.000 We did the podcast, and he's got that L.A. fucking thing where...

00:53:31.000 Yeah.

00:53:31.000 Where it's like, I'm not going to look it up.

00:53:34.000 I'm just going to go by my emotions.

00:53:36.000 Woman politics, basically. 1.00

00:53:37.000 Jesse Ventura is like this too.

00:53:44.000 So what you're saying is people in other countries aren't as good as people in America.

00:53:49.000 I say something about Mexico and he goes, I go to Mexico.

00:53:51.000 It's great.

00:53:52.000 Navy SEAL.

00:53:53.000 I live in Mexico.

00:53:54.000 And I go, Jesse, that's cool.

00:53:55.000 That's your experience.

00:53:56.000 That's anecdotal evidence.

00:53:57.000 I'm talking about millions of people.

00:53:59.000 I met a black guy who had a Nobel Peace Prize in physics.

00:54:03.000 Okay.

00:54:04.000 So black people are awesome at physics.

00:54:07.000 So he was doing this L.A. thing.

00:54:07.000 Anyway.

00:54:08.000 And he was saying...

00:54:09.000 What was the L.A. thing?

00:54:10.000 Well, the problem with education is...

00:54:16.000 I think it's a more prestigious position.

00:54:18.000 They get paid $60 an hour.

00:54:20.000 Who does?

00:54:21.000 New Jersey teachers.

00:54:22.000 Okay, one state?

00:54:24.000 No.

00:54:24.000 California, they get paid shit.

00:54:26.000 They probably go down to, let's say, $40 an hour.

00:54:29.000 Per hour worked.

00:54:30.000 Per hour worked.

00:54:32.000 Can you imagine having your summers off?

00:54:33.000 That'd be nice.

00:54:34.000 I would die of boredom.

00:54:35.000 But I don't know if that's true.

00:54:36.000 So while they're in school, they're getting $60 an hour.

00:54:40.000 Per hour worked, yeah.

00:54:41.000 So how many hours do they work a day?

00:54:43.000 Jack shit.

00:54:44.000 Oh, but we have to do lesson plans.

00:54:46.000 No, you fucking don't.

00:54:47.000 You've been teaching that same class for three years.

00:54:49.000 But they still have to do lesson plans, don't they?

00:54:51.000 They're just in autopilot.

00:54:52.000 It's karaoke at this point.

00:54:53.000 So what are you saying?

00:54:54.000 They should get some sort of an alternative to them.

00:54:55.000 I'm saying they privatize it, and it should be possible to fire them.

00:54:59.000 And that's what I said to Marin.

00:55:00.000 He goes, he goes, I agree with that.

00:55:02.000 He said that whole systemic thing.

00:55:03.000 I fucking hate that word.

00:55:05.000 It's systemic, and there's not just one thing that can nail it.

00:55:08.000 And I go, yeah, there is.

00:55:10.000 It's called getting fired.

00:55:12.000 And in Harlem, they have charter schools now, and teachers can be fired.

00:55:18.000 They are fucking thriving.

00:55:20.000 Blacks in Harlem are getting educated, and it's kicking ass. 1.00

00:55:24.000 And the left is floundering because they hate, they like blacks as their little pet victims.

00:55:29.000 And when the free market helps them, they go, wait, don't help my victims.

00:55:33.000 That's mine.

00:55:34.000 And I saw the New York Times headline.

00:55:35.000 It said, though charter schools thrive in Harlem, it's not a fix-all.

00:55:40.000 And the article was basically saying, not all black kids can go to charter schools in Harlem, so they're not that great.

00:55:45.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:55:46.000 Open up more charter schools.

00:55:47.000 Yeah, let's have more of them.

00:55:49.000 So I said to Mayor and I go, there is one thing.

00:55:51.000 It's called getting them fired.

00:55:52.000 And then it got weird after that, and he was just reading my Wikipedia page and talking about shit. 0.61

00:55:57.000 Oh, what was he?

00:55:58.000 Like trying to find things that you do wrong?

00:55:59.000 No, it was just he didn't want to be there.

00:56:01.000 So he was like, what do I ask this guy about?

00:56:03.000 He didn't want to be there.

00:56:04.000 So he had shut down after that?

00:56:06.000 That was it?

00:56:07.000 So what do you think was the trigger?

00:56:07.000 Yes.

00:56:09.000 Just the fact that you weren't willing to.

00:56:11.000 I think I nailed him on education and he didn't like it.

00:56:14.000 He probably thought, we're not releasing this.

00:56:16.000 And then he went through Wikipedia, like, hey, I saw that you did this.

00:56:20.000 That's a power trip.

00:56:21.000 That's a power trip.

00:56:23.000 Well, that's doing that, not releasing it.

00:56:25.000 Like, I have conversations where I don't agree with people all the time.

00:56:28.000 And I'm going to do it.

00:56:29.000 It's good radio.

00:56:30.000 Well, I don't mind disagreeing with somebody.

00:56:33.000 You know what?

00:56:34.000 This is funny, man.

00:56:35.000 The comments, like people say, like, oh, you and that fucking guy fought like cats and dogs.

00:56:39.000 No, no, we just didn't agree on things.

00:56:41.000 Right.

00:56:41.000 I shake their hand afterwards.

00:56:44.000 One guy, one guy in the history of that Brian Dunning guy was probably the one guy because he was so fucking dead in his head.

00:56:51.000 His brain was so rotten.

00:56:53.000 He just couldn't grasp simple concepts.

00:56:57.000 I don't believe in disagreements.

00:56:59.000 I think that one guy has more information than the other guy.

00:57:02.000 And I would just want to get there to the right answer.

00:57:06.000 Well, I also want to see how you got to your answer.

00:57:08.000 And there sometimes is not a right answer or a wrong answer.

00:57:11.000 It's just this is how you look at it.

00:57:13.000 And even though if I, and I play devil's advocate sometimes too much, because I want to see what your arguments are to the contrary.

00:57:21.000 I want to see what the thought process is.

00:57:24.000 Every time I've had a fight with someone, and we leave and we're not agreeing, they're wrong.

00:57:32.000 And the one, they have less information.

00:57:34.000 And it's happened to me once.

00:57:36.000 David Cross and I, we were doing Coke and we argued for eight hours about.

00:57:40.000 Did you just out David Cross as a Coke user?

00:57:43.000 He did Coke in the White House.

00:57:44.000 I think he outed.

00:57:45.000 Did he really?

00:57:46.000 Yeah.

00:57:46.000 That explains a lot.

00:57:47.000 That explains his letter to the cable guy.

00:57:49.000 Open letter to Larry the Cable Guy.

00:57:51.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:57:51.000 From the desk of the camera.

00:57:53.000 I don't think he does Coke anymore.

00:57:54.000 He's old and married.

00:57:55.000 But this was a long time ago.

00:57:56.000 And I was talking about free lunch programs, and I go, it's fucking stupid.

00:58:01.000 Lunch is a ham sandwich.

00:58:03.000 I did the math, and it's like a buck 80.

00:58:06.000 I go, bums get 10 bucks a day to do vodka.

00:58:09.000 You can't, you had a kid and you can't scrape together $1.80 for a ham sandwich?

00:58:13.000 Because the liquid is just the water fountain.

00:58:15.000 Yeah, but it's not the kid's fault.

00:58:17.000 I understand, but the state can't be supplying people with $1.80 sandwich.

00:58:22.000 If the state can't supply kids with a little bit of food, $1.80 worth of food, you use the argument in the opposite way, too.

00:58:28.000 If the state can't come up with $1.80 for a kid for a sandwich, then the state's fucked up.

00:58:32.000 No, I'm saying it's as crazy as the state going, we're going to come in and brush your teeth.

00:58:38.000 Like, we have to give you some basic things that you're expected to do.

00:58:41.000 That's like helping kids go poo-poo. 0.99

00:58:43.000 $1.80, the mom, you have to go to the house. 0.68

00:58:46.000 it doesn't cost money to brush your teeth, it doesn't cost money to wash your hands.

00:58:49.000 It costs money to feed a kid.

00:58:51.000 But where do we draw the line?

00:58:52.000 But that's where you draw the line with kids.

00:58:54.000 They can't fucking support themselves.

00:58:55.000 They're little kids.

00:58:56.000 They don't have jobs.

00:58:57.000 So if a kid is hungry, and it all costs $1.80 to make a huge fight.

00:59:00.000 This is a hungry fight I had with them.

00:59:02.000 It's not a bad fight.

00:59:03.000 Because I just, I feel like, look, I was a kid.

00:59:06.000 I was poor.

00:59:06.000 We were on welfare and we drank powdered milk and the whole deal.

00:59:09.000 And, you know, I was hungry.

00:59:12.000 I remember being hungry.

00:59:13.000 Well, that didn't fucking rare in 2015 a kid being hungry.

00:59:17.000 The state can't be saying.

00:59:17.000 This is in the second.

00:59:19.000 And I know the way it works in school.

00:59:21.000 Even my own kids, they go, do you want lunch or do you want the school lunch today?

00:59:24.000 It just became a thing that was expected.

00:59:26.000 And the state has to go at some point.

00:59:28.000 All right, we got to draw the line here.

00:59:30.000 No kids are like, have hunger pains because they're mommy.

00:59:33.000 You have to be a fucking crackhead.

00:59:35.000 There's a lot of people who are crackheads that have kids.

00:59:35.000 Well, there's a lot of people who are.

00:59:37.000 Okay, well, then that's a bigger fish to fry.

00:59:40.000 Now we have to deal with kids having kids. 0.72

00:59:42.000 There's a lot of people that are irresponsible that have children.

00:59:45.000 I think if you're going to have a state school or a state-sponsored school, a state's going to pay for everything.

00:59:50.000 Think about all the shit that's so good.

00:59:51.000 What does that kid have for dinner that night?

00:59:53.000 I don't know.

00:59:54.000 Nothing.

00:59:54.000 But while you're in school, while the kid's in school, you're irresponsible for that kid for whatever seven, eight hours, whatever it is, a kid goes to school.

01:00:01.000 This mother is so useless, she can't scrape together a ham sandwich. 1.00

01:00:06.000 And now we let the kid go at 320.

01:00:09.000 Our services has to take this kid away.

01:00:10.000 You could argue that.

01:00:11.000 This woman is not competent. 1.00

01:00:14.000 She can't fuck. 1.00

01:00:15.000 We have to take that kid away.

01:00:17.000 I guess that's what I was saying.

01:00:18.000 If your kid, if you can't supply a ham sandwich to your kid, I have to take your kid away.

01:00:23.000 Well, at a certain level, you've got to figure out like when is someone completely incompetent, right?

01:00:27.000 There's a scale.

01:00:28.000 It's not.

01:00:28.000 $1.80 a day for lunch is incompetent.

01:00:31.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with supplying kids with food at school for free.

01:00:36.000 And I think that if you look at what needs society should cover, like what should society cover?

01:00:43.000 Should they cover the police?

01:00:45.000 Should the police be private?

01:00:46.000 Should they cover the fire department?

01:00:48.000 Should that be private?

01:00:48.000 I mean, there's a bunch of arguments for what your taxes should and should not pay for.

01:00:52.000 I don't think it's unreasonable.

01:00:53.000 I'm not sure if I can say that.

01:00:54.000 80% of public schools, public schools, I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you should provide the kids with food.

01:00:59.000 No, it's not unreasonable to say you should provide kids who shit their pants with underwear.

01:01:03.000 But if a kid is shitting his pants, we have an issue here.

01:01:06.000 So if a mother can't afford lunch, sorry, that kid's out. 1.00

01:01:09.000 Anyway, okay.

01:01:10.000 Dr. Dr. David.

01:01:12.000 But that was the only time that David and I, we both had 100% of the facts.

01:01:17.000 And after eight hours and probably a gram of Coke, we were like, let's agree to disagree.

01:01:24.000 That's the only time you ever agreed.

01:01:25.000 Only time in my life, everyone had all the facts, and we still disagreed at the end.

01:01:29.000 Otherwise, disagreements are someone who doesn't understand what was happening.

01:01:34.000 And Mark Maron was just saying, oh, they need, there's not one thing, it's systemic.

01:01:39.000 And it was, you know, he personifies this sort of fake beta male comedian with the cardigan and the, oh, I'm such a mess.

01:01:47.000 I'm so fucked up.

01:01:48.000 And these guys fuck 20-year-old girls while complaining and scratching their heads and going, I'm a mess.

01:01:54.000 And I realized, like, this year, we have this narrative of the jock with the Letterman shirt, right?

01:02:01.000 The UVA frat boy, date raping chicks.

01:02:05.000 I'm going through my own Rolodex, and I see those guys cleaning up a drunk chick's barf, and I see the beta male comedians fucking chicks, fucking passed out chicks.

01:02:19.000 What beta male comedians are fucking passed out chicks? 1.00

01:02:22.000 All of them.

01:02:24.000 And you know what comedians do?

01:02:26.000 You're doing like a gonzo journalist thing here.

01:02:28.000 You're like half serious, half reality, partially fiction.

01:02:32.000 And it makes your arguments very difficult to do.

01:02:35.000 Go through your own history and think of every time you know of a guy who fucked a passed out chick. 0.81

01:02:40.000 I don't know anybody.

01:02:41.000 He's not a job.

01:02:41.000 He's not a passed out chick.

01:02:42.000 He's like, he runs a, he does an indie fucking show.

01:02:47.000 If I know a guy who fucked a passed out chick, he didn't tell me about it. 1.00

01:02:50.000 I don't know anybody that fucked a passed out chick. 1.00

01:02:52.000 Well, it's usually contentious.

01:02:54.000 Like the guy I'm thinking of, she was sort of like, I don't remember fucking him, and I'm never speaking to him again, but it was kind of wishy-washy. 0.64

01:03:02.000 And he's not a, like, I know these super handsome dudes, these two guys.

01:03:07.000 One of them used to be a male model, and this chick invited them over, and she got two wasted. 1.00

01:03:12.000 I think she wanted to get gangbanged. 1.00

01:03:14.000 And she fucking drank a bunch of vodka. 1.00

01:03:16.000 She was showing them her pussy. 1.00

01:03:18.000 At this point of the story, by the way, I was mad at him for not fucking her.

01:03:21.000 But then she started projectile vomiting because she overdid it, right? 1.00

01:03:25.000 And I've heard this story a few times, especially with threesims. 1.00

01:03:27.000 Girls get nervous and they overdrink. 1.00

01:03:29.000 And what did these disgusting frat boy jocks do?

01:03:33.000 They washed her sheets.

01:03:35.000 They put the towels in the fucking washing machine. 0.98

01:03:39.000 And they made sure she was okay and then they went home.

01:03:42.000 These beta male guys, like the kind of guys who are on the nerdist, these guys who everyone thinks is cool, I see those guys fucking her, skull fucking her, or beating off in front of them.

01:03:53.000 And Tom Shaloux said this to me once.

01:03:55.000 He goes, jerking off in front of a woman is obviously pretty rare, but it's not that rare in the comedy world.

01:04:02.000 Well, I do know a few comics who have done some inappropriate jerking off. 0.87

01:04:07.000 Yeah.

01:04:08.000 They're mentally ill narcissists for the most part, and they wear this wolf and sheep's clothing of I'm a beta male, I'm a loser, I'm a nut, and they just use it to fuck chicks over and dump broads, and they're the jocks.

01:04:21.000 They're the date raping jocks that everyone's scared of.

01:04:23.000 Well, you're talking about like very specific guys that are famous and wealthy and also are playing that role of being the failure.

01:04:32.000 Yeah, I'm talking about young comedians too.

01:04:34.000 Like Jay Moore, there's two types of comedians.

01:04:36.000 There's Jay Moore with the dress shirt and the blazer.

01:04:39.000 That is that generation.

01:04:40.000 I don't know those guys.

01:04:41.000 They seem like pretty good guys.

01:04:42.000 Then there's the American apparel sweatshirt dudes, like the millennial up to maybe 35.

01:04:48.000 Those are the guys I'm talking about.

01:04:49.000 Okay, aren't you doing exactly the same thing as someone saying that black guys are great at science because one guy knows a guy who did something?

01:04:56.000 I mean, you're a theory, first of all.

01:04:59.000 This theory sucks.

01:05:00.000 I'm basing it on a lot of guys.

01:05:02.000 What guys?

01:05:03.000 Well, you don't have to name names, but I don't know anybody who's doing what you're saying.

01:05:08.000 I don't know anybody who's skull fucking passed out girls other than Bill Cosby.

01:05:12.000 Okay, how many young comedians do you know who date a girl at, say, 26, right?

01:05:18.000 A lot.

01:05:18.000 Then they dump her at 29.

01:05:21.000 Her ovaries are dried up.

01:05:22.000 29?

01:05:24.000 Yeah.

01:05:25.000 I don't think they dry out that young.

01:05:27.000 No, you can have kids.

01:05:27.000 Yeah, they do.

01:05:28.000 Here's your ovaries. 1.00

01:05:29.000 For the most part, right?

01:05:31.000 This is your brain on drugs.

01:05:32.000 At 30, the hourglass turns upside down, and the sand is draining from 30 to 35.

01:05:38.000 There's no sand in ovaries.

01:05:39.000 At 35, you're fucked.

01:05:40.000 Does the pelican bring your babies as well?

01:05:42.000 It's an analogy, Joe.

01:05:45.000 The fertility is draining from 30 to 35.

01:05:48.000 My wife had our first kid at 36 or something. 0.92

01:05:53.000 They go through a door that said geriatric mothers.

01:05:56.000 Oh, it's over.

01:05:57.000 Well, there's anecdotal evidence.

01:05:59.000 They die young in Canada.

01:06:00.000 No, no, I've lived in New York since I was 99.

01:06:03.000 No, of course there's exceptions.

01:06:05.000 My mother had my brother at 41.

01:06:07.000 But generally, throughout...

01:06:11.000 We joke about his weak sperm, but I mean, we say he's bred with old ovaries, but I realize my youngest son was born much with a mom much older than my mom.

01:06:20.000 So we don't do that joke anymore.

01:06:22.000 But even with my youngest son, I was watching him like a hawk at the beginning, worried about autism.

01:06:28.000 So anyway, if you date a chick at 26 and you dump her at 30, it's going to take her a couple years to get over it, right?

01:06:34.000 To the point where she's ready to have kids.

01:06:36.000 What?

01:06:36.000 No.

01:06:37.000 I mean, get over it, like, find a new guy and marry him and be ready for kids.

01:06:37.000 No.

01:06:43.000 Who knows, man?

01:06:44.000 I know a girl who, well, whatever. 0.95

01:06:46.000 Anecdotal evidence.

01:06:48.000 Go ahead.

01:06:48.000 If you kill a woman's ovaries like that, you are Hitler.

01:06:52.000 You're not killing everybody's ovaries.

01:06:54.000 Yeah, you are.

01:06:54.000 You've taken her best years ago.

01:06:56.000 There should be some stigma around that.

01:06:58.000 That's Hitler. 0.93

01:06:58.000 Because she would have had kids. 0.93

01:07:01.000 Those kids would have had kids. 0.99

01:07:02.000 So if you dated yourself, getting to know her during a very specific time in her life.

01:07:06.000 And she's at 130, you have killed a million people.

01:07:08.000 You have committed a war crime. 0.91

01:07:10.000 You're Hitler.

01:07:11.000 It's very hard to take your argument seriously.

01:07:13.000 You're a funny guy.

01:07:14.000 Which part is bullshit?

01:07:15.000 All that.

01:07:16.000 You're Hitler.

01:07:17.000 You killed her ovaries.

01:07:19.000 All the above.

01:07:20.000 You arguably have denied the world millions of people.

01:07:24.000 No, no, you haven't.

01:07:25.000 Because a woman can't give birth to millions of people. 1.00

01:07:27.000 That's fucking bad.

01:07:28.000 No, but her grandkids can.

01:07:29.000 And those grandkids, grandkids.

01:07:30.000 Why did you sleep?

01:07:31.000 You could be out making seven billion.

01:07:34.000 Look at Attila the Hun.

01:07:35.000 I think he's responsible for like 3 million people.

01:07:39.000 Oh, like physically?

01:07:41.000 Yeah.

01:07:41.000 No.

01:07:42.000 No, yes.

01:07:42.000 No, he didn't fuck 3 million girls.

01:07:44.000 No, he fucked a bunch of girls. 1.00

01:07:45.000 He probably fucked.

01:07:45.000 You don't have a thousand chicks.

01:07:46.000 You don't have enough time to come.

01:07:48.000 I'm talking about kids and grandkids and grandparents.

01:07:50.000 You're talking bullshit.

01:07:51.000 That's what you're doing.

01:07:51.000 No, I'm not.

01:07:52.000 We're both talking bullshit.

01:07:53.000 Look up.

01:07:53.000 No, we're not.

01:07:54.000 Come on.

01:07:54.000 I'm not going to be a bad person.

01:07:55.000 Are you a nerd?

01:07:55.000 Look up how many children came from Attila the Hunt?

01:08:00.000 Quite a few, not as many as Genghis Khan.

01:08:01.000 Genghis Khan is responsible for some like one out of 500 dudes in Asia or some crazy number.

01:08:06.000 Okay, so that's what I'm saying.

01:08:08.000 You're also murdered sexual. 0.50

01:08:09.000 When you take up a woman's fertile years, you've done the opposite of a year. 0.99

01:08:13.000 But you're not taking up her years.

01:08:15.000 Her years are going on.

01:08:16.000 They're going on.

01:08:17.000 You happen to be a matter of time.

01:08:18.000 But she's now fertile after that. 0.99

01:08:19.000 That's happened.

01:08:20.000 32 happens.

01:08:22.000 She's around her during the time where she's 26 to 29.

01:08:22.000 It's very hard to have kids.

01:08:26.000 It doesn't mean you're responsible for her any more than she's responsible for.

01:08:30.000 You should be conscious.

01:08:32.000 Both she and you should be conscious of this is our prime time.

01:08:35.000 It's like football players.

01:08:36.000 I think women are. 1.00

01:08:37.000 That's why they get like super serious during those times.

01:08:40.000 Amongst my sort of media hipster kind of entertainment people, that whole concept is gone.

01:08:46.000 And one generation ago, it was, you know, you got to get her while she's young and this is her big year and blah, blah, blah.

01:08:52.000 There was some value on those formative ovary years.

01:08:56.000 Today it's nothing.

01:08:57.000 And these women, they get dumped at 30, and then they... 1.00

01:09:01.000 A lot of them get dumped.

01:09:02.000 Every woman I know in New York got dumped at 30. 1.00

01:09:04.000 Wow.

01:09:04.000 All right.

01:09:05.000 That's super anecdotal.

01:09:07.000 But I think a lot of my friends, when they talk about women, they talk if they date girls that are like up to 25, 26, they're more like they don't care.

01:09:15.000 They're having fun.

01:09:16.000 They're doing their thing with their career and they're doing their thing, going on dates and stuff.

01:09:20.000 But they always say that when they get to be around 30, 31, 32, they're like, where's this going?

01:09:25.000 That's late.

01:09:25.000 Where's this heading?

01:09:26.000 They should be saying that at 27 is all I'm saying.

01:09:28.000 In your world.

01:09:29.000 No.

01:09:30.000 In a doctor's world.

01:09:32.000 In a doctor.

01:09:32.000 The doctor's world.

01:09:33.000 I had some chick, a friend of mine, 39, her physician said, ooh, 35, getting kind of late.

01:09:42.000 And she said it to me like, can you believe that, sexist pig? 1.00

01:09:45.000 And I go, he's a nerd.

01:09:47.000 He has Asperger's.

01:09:48.000 He doesn't have, he's not sexist.

01:09:49.000 He's telling you about your fucking vagina. 1.00

01:09:52.000 Why is that a sexist pig to say you're dying?

01:09:54.000 Because today, if you're 35.

01:09:56.000 That's what I'm trying to say.

01:09:57.000 Today, in 2015, to speak normal biological facts, I call them hate facts, is sexist.

01:10:03.000 It's sexist to say that it's hard to have kids after 30 and nearly impossible after 35.

01:10:08.000 Well, I don't know what this has to do with comedians that are fake beta males, skullflows. 0.98

01:10:12.000 Because these comedians don't recognize that.

01:10:14.000 Well, they don't have to.

01:10:15.000 You're not responsible for that any more than they're responsible for recognizing that you're a 45-year-old guy who's going through some midlife crisis, some existential angst.

01:10:25.000 This goes back to what I was saying about no one's responsible for the relationship.

01:10:29.000 And if you a lot of these guys will fuck over this girl and sort of imply that he's going to put a ring on it.

01:10:35.000 And then 29, 30.

01:10:37.000 I mean, New York has a very disproportionate number of people.

01:10:40.000 It's anecdotal, though.

01:10:41.000 You're saying a lot of these guys fuck over a girl.

01:10:43.000 Like, relationships don't work out.

01:10:45.000 A lot of times people pretend to be one thing when you first start dating them.

01:10:48.000 Like you were saying your wife was saying, you know, I might be a lesbian.

01:10:50.000 And then as you get deep in you, oh, that was just like a shiny little spinner and behind it was a hook.

01:10:55.000 You know, that's how you catch trout.

01:10:57.000 Too true.

01:10:58.000 So you can play it on both sides.

01:11:01.000 And they're full of shit to themselves.

01:11:01.000 People are full of shit.

01:11:03.000 People pretend to themselves that they are this one type of person because that person appears to be more attractive.

01:11:09.000 So when you're talking about these hipster guys that are pretending to be these beta males that are super sensitive and male feminists, in their mind, they have convinced themselves that they are this thing because this thing would be more attractive to the type of women they're trying to attract.

01:11:23.000 So they're just as confused.

01:11:25.000 They're not like this fucking mastermind.

01:11:25.000 I agree.

01:11:27.000 They're not a false self-centered.

01:11:28.000 But they're not this mastermind that's trying to engineer this false narrative.

01:11:32.000 That's just as bad.

01:11:33.000 That's negligence.

01:11:34.000 They're just young.

01:11:35.000 They're living their life.

01:11:36.000 They're trying to figure yourself out.

01:11:37.000 They're 35.

01:11:38.000 They're fucking a 26-year-old.

01:11:39.000 35 over 36.

01:11:40.000 Then they dry up her ovaries and they dump her. 1.00

01:11:42.000 Oh, okay.

01:11:43.000 Look, I'm talking about too many different things at once here.

01:11:45.000 Okay, you're right.

01:11:46.000 I want to establish.

01:11:47.000 I want to establish that women from 25 to 30 should start getting serious and they have a certain currency because they're ovaries. 0.84

01:11:47.000 And I'm not blaming you. 0.84

01:11:55.000 Or not.

01:11:55.000 Two.

01:11:55.000 And there's a diagram here where they overlap.

01:11:57.000 What if they don't want kids? 0.62

01:11:58.000 Fucking 95% of the population wants kids. 1.00

01:12:01.000 I don't know about that.

01:12:02.000 The women who don't want kids. 1.00

01:12:04.000 A lot of girls who don't want kids. 1.00

01:12:06.000 They are extinct.

01:12:07.000 We've been over a quarter of a million years.

01:12:10.000 They just develop this need to want kids.

01:12:12.000 Yeah, the kid is a substitute.

01:12:14.000 That dog is a substitute.

01:12:15.000 And they call themselves mommy.

01:12:17.000 But when you get on the 405 at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and you can't fucking move because there's no room because all the cars have blocked up all the road, you go, maybe we need more girls with little dogs. 1.00

01:12:26.000 Maybe we need more gay guys who want to get married. 0.99

01:12:29.000 Yeah.

01:12:30.000 Well, maybe these people who aren't having kids is self-selection.

01:12:35.000 And, you know, we're not going to have annoying feminists. 1.00

01:12:38.000 My kid isn't going to have to deal with them.

01:12:40.000 Why is that?

01:12:41.000 Because they're going to die off?

01:12:42.000 Yeah, they're dying off right now.

01:12:43.000 I wonder.

01:12:44.000 Jezebel won't be around in one generation.

01:12:47.000 A lot of those women have had kids. 1.00

01:12:49.000 They don't have kids?

01:12:51.000 No one at Jezebel has kids.

01:12:53.000 Maybe one or two.

01:12:54.000 It's like fracking well.

01:12:56.000 No, really.

01:12:57.000 And I actually know, I used to be friends with the chick at Jezebel, and she told me that.

01:13:01.000 That's not true.

01:13:01.000 Really?

01:13:02.000 Who?

01:13:02.000 Yeah.

01:13:02.000 Which one?

01:13:03.000 Tracy Egan.

01:13:04.000 Okay.

01:13:05.000 She's a writer? 1.00

01:13:06.000 Yeah, she's at ViceNail. 0.99

01:13:08.000 She told me that I'm spilling the beans here, but I don't care.

01:13:12.000 She told me that the managing editor, who looks kind of like Jimi Hendrix, but it's a woman, she would cry herself to sleep at night because she waited too long and her ovaries dried up. 1.00

01:13:23.000 And I feel like screaming at her, your whole agenda is telling women that they're men and they don't need kids and they'll be fine without kids. 1.00

01:13:31.000 And you don't even believe that fucking shit.

01:13:33.000 But is that their agenda?

01:13:34.000 Because I don't think it is.

01:13:35.000 I think their agenda is saying that women could be empowered and women can not have to live under the predetermined directives that men have set forth for them and they can do their own shit.

01:13:47.000 That was the beginning of the impetus.

01:13:49.000 The pendulum is swinging so far and now it's if you do that, you're a sellout and a loser and you're a fucking stepford wife. 0.98

01:13:57.000 What?

01:13:57.000 So if you have a relationship and you have a family and you're not afraid of the- Modern feminism vilifies the Midwestern housewife.

01:14:04.000 Come.

01:14:04.000 Our wives are losers according to Jezebel.

01:14:07.000 Really?

01:14:08.000 I've never heard that.

01:14:08.000 I've never seen that written down.

01:14:09.000 So you're celebrating.

01:14:10.000 But you can tell when you read the articles, it's like, she's badass. 0.98

01:14:14.000 She's kick-ass. 1.00

01:14:15.000 Well, they're celebrating empowered women.

01:14:18.000 They're celebrating.

01:14:19.000 Do you believe that?

01:14:20.000 I think in some ways that's what they want.

01:14:22.000 They want to celebrate empowered women.

01:14:24.000 Kick-ass 2 is a movie that sums up modern feminism, and it is women are men. 1.00

01:14:31.000 Women kick ass. 1.00

01:14:32.000 Women are marines. 1.00

01:14:34.000 Like, modern feminism is, why aren't there more female superheroes? 1.00

01:14:37.000 I don't know, because it's not a feminine thing to fly to a bank robber and punch him in the face. 1.00

01:14:43.000 And I actually have a theory about this.

01:14:47.000 I've never heard anybody saying that they want more female superheroes. 0.99

01:14:50.000 Oh, that's a big thing.

01:14:51.000 Is it?

01:14:52.000 Well, why don't, how come the women feminists, what? 1.00

01:14:54.000 The women feminists.

01:14:56.000 They're real feminists. 1.00

01:14:57.000 I mean, if there are real feminists, it's only women feminists. 1.00

01:15:00.000 Men feminists are just that they are. 1.00

01:15:01.000 Feminism should be extinct. 1.00

01:15:04.000 You got it.

01:15:05.000 You got all the same rights.

01:15:06.000 We're done.

01:15:07.000 Humanists is really what we should all be.

01:15:09.000 I don't think they have the same rights.

01:15:10.000 You think they have exactly the same rights?

01:15:11.000 What rights do they have?

01:15:12.000 What rights do men have that women don't have? 0.99

01:15:15.000 Well, it's not a matter of rights.

01:15:16.000 It's a matter of rights for sure.

01:15:18.000 Like as far as legal.

01:15:19.000 Give me any metric.

01:15:20.000 And all men are worse off.

01:15:22.000 Rights as far as like, but as far as the way they're appreciated in cultures and society, certainly not worldwide.

01:15:28.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:15:29.000 No, I'm only talking about North America or the West.

01:15:32.000 Right.

01:15:32.000 Fucking Middle East.

01:15:34.000 All feminists should move to the Middle East and get to work. 1.00

01:15:36.000 Why don't feminists embrace Ronda Rousey? 1.00

01:15:38.000 She seems like the ultimate feminist. 1.00

01:15:40.000 She's like a feminist from a movie. 1.00

01:15:42.000 They don't embrace her?

01:15:44.000 No.

01:15:44.000 Because that's my beef with feminism is that they're too Ronda Rousey.

01:15:48.000 Well, she's hot and she kicks ass. 1.00

01:15:51.000 Like she's not a hot. 0.93

01:15:52.000 Yeah, but that's not a good trait.

01:15:53.000 Like Tomb Raider, when I see Lara Kraft, I don't get a boner. 1.00

01:15:59.000 I get a boner when a woman is feminism. 1.00

01:16:01.000 Like Southern bells make me hard.

01:16:03.000 When some woman does a backflip and shoots a monster in the face, I go, oh, some dyke has short shorts on and knows how to do backflips. 1.00

01:16:11.000 And I think nerds like it because they want to see action and they want to see pretty girls.

01:16:15.000 So to save time, they make a Tomb Raider.

01:16:18.000 Right.

01:16:19.000 So it's like, what's that thing where you take a turkey and you cook a duck in it?

01:16:23.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:16:24.000 Turducken. 1.00

01:16:25.000 I was watching the movie Support Your Local Sheriff.

01:16:29.000 Do you know that movie?

01:16:30.000 Support Your Local Sheriff?

01:16:30.000 No.

01:16:31.000 It's like, what's his name from James Cann?

01:16:37.000 No.

01:16:38.000 James Kahn?

01:16:39.000 No.

01:16:39.000 Support your local sheriff.

01:16:40.000 Okay.

01:16:41.000 The guy who was in Hawaii 5-0 forever.

01:16:43.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:16:45.000 The guy nerd-oh.

01:16:45.000 Who the fuck was it?

01:16:49.000 Nerd's not an insult.

01:16:50.000 Jeremy's not a nerd.

01:16:53.000 He can't look up.

01:16:54.000 He's a nerd in the sense that I'm a nerd.

01:16:56.000 All right, what is this?

01:16:58.000 So anyway, in the movie, there it is.

01:17:00.000 And who's the main guy?

01:17:01.000 What's his name again?

01:17:02.000 Kirk Kennedy?

01:17:03.000 No, James Garner.

01:17:05.000 James Carner.

01:17:05.000 So anyway, in the movie, there's this scene where they're in a courtroom and they're having some trial and this woman comes out and she's got on like a, you know, that's Wild West dress and the fucking hair up and the little blouse.

01:17:19.000 It's quite attractive.

01:17:20.000 Anyway, she gets up in the court and she goes, here, you listen to me and you listen well, partner.

01:17:25.000 I've had enough of this and I want you.

01:17:27.000 And they go, order in the court.

01:17:29.000 She goes, no, I will not sit down.

01:17:29.000 Sit her down.

01:17:31.000 I demand that you listen to me.

01:17:33.000 And I'm watching it.

01:17:34.000 I just had this fucking epiphany wash over me.

01:17:36.000 I realized men invented this bitch. 1.00

01:17:39.000 Like, men invented Jezebel feminism, Lara Kraft, this whole thing, because she's not being feminine. 0.99

01:17:46.000 Like that movie was cast by a dude.

01:17:48.000 That movie was written by a dude.

01:17:50.000 They're making her get up there. 1.00

01:17:52.000 And I think the suffragette movement, the whole like women should vote, was guys going, why don't you fucking say that you should vote?

01:17:59.000 And the ladies go, What I was making a lasagna now, get up there. 1.00

01:18:02.000 Say, I need to vote, I'm a lady.

01:18:05.000 And they go, Okay, I'm a lady.

01:18:07.000 Well, you know, there is a biological reality for women who have to take care of themselves. 1.00

01:18:11.000 Women who work actually develop more testosterone. 0.98

01:18:13.000 Women who are in the workforce and have to compete, yeah, they actually develop more testosterone and they become more aggressive because of that testosterone. 1.00

01:18:22.000 And I think that when women are forced into that sort of a position, like is it is it a coincidence? 0.99

01:18:29.000 Not saying that all feminists are unattractive, but a lot of like really vocal ones are unattractive. 1.00

01:18:35.000 And so therefore they're forced to take care of themselves.

01:18:38.000 They're forced to be on their own.

01:18:39.000 So they're forced to compete in the workforce.

01:18:41.000 And you have to, in order to survive, you have to become more aggressive.

01:18:45.000 And so in becoming more aggressive and then in standing up for themselves and their own gender, they become like an antagonist or they become rather an opponent of the men that they're competing with.

01:18:57.000 They don't belong there.

01:18:58.000 They don't belong in a workforce.

01:18:59.000 In the work environment?

01:19:00.000 Well, that's what it is.

01:19:00.000 For the most part, there's five exceptions.

01:19:03.000 Say if you're a worker in Maggie Thatcher, you know, there's tons of alpha females who fucking rock. 1.00

01:19:08.000 Oprah.

01:19:09.000 She's great.

01:19:10.000 But my experience has been when the woman contributes to the workforce, I'm going to say 80% of the time it's just... 1.00

01:19:20.000 And like...

01:19:24.000 Okay, I'll give it a rubbing the forehead and going.

01:19:26.000 Let's ride this out until we can get back to creating stuff.

01:19:30.000 Like, for example, when I ran an ad agency, we were doing a commercial for Converse.

01:19:35.000 And the bit was this guy's standing over here.

01:19:39.000 And then this guy walks over and he says hi.

01:19:42.000 And then he leaves, and he's a hunk, and she's a girl. 0.91

01:19:44.000 And then later she talks to her friends and goes, oh my God, he talked to me, blah, blah, blah.

01:19:47.000 So, okay, got it.

01:19:48.000 We'll do that.

01:19:49.000 And then the woman goes, and then she comes up to her friends and she's like, did you believe what happened?

01:19:54.000 Her friends are like, I can't believe it.

01:19:55.000 And I go, wait a minute, these are people?

01:19:58.000 And she goes, yeah.

01:20:00.000 And I go, but I thought these were the people of this world.

01:20:02.000 And she goes, well, who cares?

01:20:04.000 And then she also said that.

01:20:04.000 It's just.

01:20:08.000 You're doing some weird things with your hands here for the people that are just listening to this.

01:20:11.000 You're walking your fingers along the table and I don't even know what the fuck you're doing.

01:20:14.000 And I'm in the room with you.

01:20:15.000 I'm getting drunk, actually.

01:20:16.000 But I said to her, this is the world.

01:20:20.000 Okay, the people with the people with the fingers.

01:20:22.000 You can't just flip it and make some people fingers and sometimes fingers are legs.

01:20:27.000 I didn't know this was going to be take it in audio-wise.

01:20:30.000 Let me give you a better example.

01:20:32.000 My brother.

01:20:33.000 90%.

01:20:34.000 My brother designs video games.

01:20:36.000 And he said, when we do a thing with men, they'll go, okay, it's a squirrel.

01:20:41.000 He's on a skateboard, an app, right?

01:20:44.000 And he gets a bunch of nuts, and then you win a prize.

01:20:47.000 Got it.

01:20:47.000 And here, we made it.

01:20:48.000 Okay, looks good.

01:20:49.000 But he goes, well, if I do something like that for a female client, they'll go, we had a thought. 0.95

01:20:55.000 What about changing the color scheme from sort of autumn to more of a summary thing?

01:20:59.000 And he'll go, okay, well, that's not a button.

01:21:01.000 I'll have to go back and change all the code.

01:21:04.000 So it's essentially making a whole new video game from scratch.

01:21:07.000 Okay, fine.

01:21:08.000 And then he'll go, but we'll have to bill you the same amount again.

01:21:13.000 And then he goes, they kind of get indignant.

01:21:15.000 Like they go, well, fine.

01:21:17.000 Like, you're not going to question me.

01:21:19.000 What?

01:21:19.000 Because I'm a woman.

01:21:20.000 I'm going to have a problem with that.

01:21:21.000 And then they go, okay, so my brother will have to redo the video game in a different color.

01:21:26.000 Whereas men would go, oh, it's a whole other thing. 0.91

01:21:29.000 All right, fuck it.

01:21:30.000 Yeah, let's not do that.

01:21:31.000 Some men, right?

01:21:33.000 Again, this is anecdotal.

01:21:34.000 I'm talking about my personal experience, but so much, like just the other day, this woman, I have a meeting on Wednesday, and this woman set it up, and I've talked to this other woman and this other woman.

01:21:42.000 I know this is sexist, but I go, well, I have a thing at two.

01:21:46.000 And she goes, okay, I'll just move it.

01:21:47.000 And I go, no, no, no, no.

01:21:48.000 This is an important meeting.

01:21:49.000 I don't want these women to think I'm a flake, so don't change it.

01:21:55.000 That makes me look like I'm hard to work with.

01:21:57.000 And she goes, oh, okay.

01:21:59.000 I was going to move it around.

01:22:00.000 I go, this meeting is huge.

01:22:02.000 Don't be fucking with the times.

01:22:05.000 And I'm just like, why am I dealing with these chicks when I could be dealing with a dude who would just go, okay, well, the meeting's only going to be an hour, so I think you'll make it fine.

01:22:12.000 Okay, handshake.

01:22:14.000 Well, don't you think there's some women that can handle that? 1.00

01:22:17.000 It sounds like it's an incompetent person.

01:22:19.000 You could run into incompetent dude, too.

01:22:21.000 Speaking generally, about millions.

01:22:25.000 Women are good at micromanagement. 1.00

01:22:28.000 They're good at line producing, for example.

01:22:31.000 They're great at that.

01:22:32.000 As far as big decisions and handshake deals, men tend to be much better at it.

01:22:38.000 And my entire career has been almost exclusively women.

01:22:44.000 Why is that?

01:22:45.000 Because I'm selling shit.

01:22:46.000 So when I ran the magazine, the marketing people, marketing people tend to be women. 1.00

01:22:50.000 The ones buying the ads, they're women. 1.00

01:22:52.000 Advertising, the ones who aren't bequeathing the budgets, the ones who come to the set, women, women, women. 0.93

01:22:58.000 Bequeath is a great word.

01:23:02.000 I don't know how we got from beta comedian, skull fucking passed out girls to this, but I'm trying.

01:23:08.000 Women and men are different.

01:23:10.000 That's the big picture.

01:23:12.000 And feminism is something that's created by men as a false narrative. 1.00

01:23:16.000 Women have bought it hook, line, and sinker, where they really should be at home protecting those very, very valuable three years from 26 to 29 before their ovaries turn to sand or something like that. 1.00

01:23:27.000 It's funny that you're being sarcastic because I'm listening to you going, yes.

01:23:33.000 Well done.

01:23:34.000 That is exactly what I'm saying.

01:23:35.000 And I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong with you and Mark Maron that you became transphobic.

01:23:39.000 Were you transphobic after the interview?

01:23:40.000 No, I wrote an article called Transphobia is Perfectly Natural, and it's a shit hit the fan.

01:23:46.000 I read that and I also saw the video that you put up about these people regretting their transition.

01:23:53.000 Right.

01:23:55.000 There's definitely, there can be that, right?

01:23:57.000 That goes back to what we were saying about gay marriage.

01:23:59.000 On the surface, it's just leave them be.

01:24:02.000 They want to get married.

01:24:02.000 And I go, no, actually, people are getting fined for not having gay marriage in their living room.

01:24:07.000 So it's not as simple as just leave them be.

01:24:09.000 You're actually antagonizing Christians. 0.86

01:24:11.000 That's just one.

01:24:11.000 Yeah, but no, no, no.

01:24:13.000 You were talking about the outliers.

01:24:14.000 The ones that you're going to be able to do is you have to bake the wedding cake.

01:24:17.000 You know that whole story about the pizza and the wedding cake.

01:24:20.000 They sought out someone who would say no.

01:24:22.000 Everything was fake.

01:24:23.000 That's my whole beef.

01:24:23.000 Right.

01:24:24.000 But that was fake.

01:24:27.000 That was a story.

01:24:28.000 But they were trying to create a story.

01:24:30.000 We want the right to go camping.

01:24:31.000 And you go, okay, but I've never seen you camp before, but they don't not have the right to go camping.

01:24:37.000 No, but you're like, camp, blacks, camping, rights, camp. 0.96

01:24:40.000 And you go, okay, no one's suing black people for camping.

01:24:43.000 Like, this is a non-black camping ground. 1.00

01:24:45.000 Right, but if I heard about a campground getting sued, oh, wait a minute.

01:24:48.000 Okay, but if a campground did kick black people out, it would be fucking fucked up.

01:24:53.000 My point is with gay marriages, they don't really want to get married. 1.00

01:24:58.000 But they do.

01:24:59.000 I have a gay couple who lives down the street from me.

01:25:01.000 They're good friends of mine.

01:25:02.000 The thing with trans. 1.00

01:25:02.000 You didn't have a kid. 1.00

01:25:03.000 With the trans was when you normalize it and say it's perfectly healthy, right? 1.00

01:25:09.000 Then your eight-year-old son, who's gay, by the way, says, I'm a woman.

01:25:15.000 You go, we're going to just ride this out.

01:25:17.000 And when you become 18, you're going to move to the West Village and wear red leather short shorts and suck a bunch of dicks and realize, oh, I'm a fag. 0.94

01:25:23.000 I'm not a woman.

01:25:25.000 But now that we've normalized trans, what these moms are doing, because they love having a trans kid, it's like a status symbol now.

01:25:31.000 Moms love having a trans kid? 1.00

01:25:31.000 What? 1.00

01:25:33.000 Yeah.

01:25:34.000 You want to talk about outliers?

01:25:36.000 Like, that's the real outlier, not even the people getting sued for marriage.

01:25:39.000 The moms are a super trans. 1.00

01:25:40.000 It's a status symbol now, yeah.

01:25:42.000 What?

01:25:43.000 Where are you hanging out?

01:25:45.000 Anyway, so these trans moms are giving their kids hormones, right, to delay puberty. 1.00

01:25:45.000 Look it up. 1.00

01:25:53.000 I did see a video of a really young kid that was getting their first hormone dose.

01:25:59.000 And I was like, wow.

01:25:59.000 Yes.

01:26:00.000 Now that kid was getting into fucking because he's a chick, but what I'm talking about is slightly different.

01:26:06.000 They're giving them hormone blockers so puberty won't be disturbing.

01:26:10.000 So you won't have pubes and your dick won't get bigger or whatever happens.

01:26:13.000 Yeah, so kids are getting hormone blockers because we've accepted this as fact that trans is normal.

01:26:19.000 And then we're also normalizing the operation and their suicide rate is brutal.

01:26:24.000 Now, I'm not denying there are a few dudes who are happier with a cunt, like Zoe Tur. 1.00

01:26:33.000 I've talked to him a few times.

01:26:34.000 He's got a cunt. 1.00

01:26:37.000 He used to be a helicopter news guy.

01:26:39.000 He's the guy who saw OJ and the Bronco.

01:26:43.000 He shot that.

01:26:44.000 And she created a vagina, and she seems to be happier about it. 1.00

01:26:49.000 But she's pretty conservative and doesn't think that operation should be normalized because it's fucking weird. 1.00

01:26:54.000 You know what's adorable is that Caitlin Jenner doesn't believe in gay marriage. 0.99

01:26:58.000 Yeah.

01:26:59.000 Well, that's common with trans. 1.00

01:27:01.000 They tend to be conservative.

01:27:03.000 Really?

01:27:04.000 Because I think they have this vent of women that is very traditional. 0.68

01:27:08.000 Like Caitlin Jenner didn't turn into a bulldyke and didn't wear a sweatshirt with a nose ring. 1.00

01:27:12.000 She turned into like a 1950s lady. 1.00

01:27:15.000 So she has this very traditional woman. 0.99

01:27:15.000 Right. 0.99

01:27:17.000 With a very rigid back.

01:27:19.000 Like it doesn't move very well.

01:27:19.000 Yeah.

01:27:21.000 Not very pliable.

01:27:22.000 Cut your cock off, by the way, Bruce.

01:27:24.000 No, he's going to keep it.

01:27:25.000 Well, then he's a poser.

01:27:27.000 He is a poser.

01:27:28.000 But doesn't Bailey J still have his dick? 0.97

01:27:31.000 Her dick? 1.00

01:27:32.000 Can you say her dick? 1.00

01:27:33.000 How can you say her dick? 0.58

01:27:34.000 See, that's the problem with this mess.

01:27:37.000 They come with these new terms.

01:27:39.000 Hi, Bailey.

01:27:40.000 It is a mess.

01:27:40.000 Bailey won't speak to me anymore because I call him he.

01:27:44.000 Really?

01:27:45.000 And I'm like, so you're a woman? 0.92

01:27:46.000 And he goes, well, I'm not a woman, but I'm not a he. 0.99

01:27:49.000 I'm like, fuck it.

01:27:50.000 Oh, wow.

01:27:51.000 Did I take a night course to talk to you fucking people?

01:27:54.000 Have you seen Harvard's new rules?

01:27:56.000 Yes.

01:27:57.000 Z and thigh and Z?

01:28:00.000 What the fuck?

01:28:01.000 New person.

01:28:01.000 I'm telling you a story, and I'm like, so Z walks into the bar, slams the dude's face, and you're like, was it a chick or a dude?

01:28:08.000 Like, I want to know the race.

01:28:10.000 I want to know how tall.

01:28:11.000 And here, right?

01:28:12.000 H-E-R-H-E-E-R, right?

01:28:15.000 Isn't that one of them?

01:28:16.000 There's like a bunch of them.

01:28:17.000 X-E. 0.81

01:28:18.000 There's like, they're just making shit up.

01:28:20.000 See, this is the key to political correctness.

01:28:22.000 It's not about justice.

01:28:24.000 It's about me telling you how to speak.

01:28:27.000 It's about the upper classes telling the lower classes, oh, you don't say black anymore.

01:28:33.000 You say person of color.

01:28:34.000 It's also about calling people out.

01:28:36.000 It's calling people out on their transgressions, calling people out on using the wrong gender pronoun, calling people out on being insensitive.

01:28:43.000 It's like looking for green lights so they could say that you're wrong.

01:28:47.000 It's looking for the moral high ground.

01:28:49.000 That's a real issue with it because it's a game.

01:28:51.000 It's a social brownie point collecting game.

01:28:54.000 Like you want to be the most progressive person and you want to be the person that is the most aggressive about calling out other people.

01:29:01.000 It used to be the progressive just like open-minded.

01:29:05.000 Progressive was like about being like sensitive and loving and trying to be accepting of all people.

01:29:12.000 Now it's become about finding people who aren't progressive and calling them out and outing them and shitting on their life.

01:29:19.000 I think it's people that just get a green light to be a cunt. 1.00

01:29:21.000 And one of the cunts, yeah, the best green light is finding people that you think have violated someone else's civil liberties or civil rights or, you know, sensitivities, and you just aggressively go after them. 0.63

01:29:36.000 Look at how they act when an old person like a Warvet says Negro. 1.00

01:29:36.000 Fascinating. 1.00

01:29:40.000 They have this sort of giggling like, Negro, that's so old. 1.00

01:29:44.000 That's like four names ago.

01:29:46.000 They're not up to date with the names we've been telling them.

01:29:48.000 And they go Negro, then it's black, then it's African American, now it's person of color. 0.99

01:29:52.000 How do you have United Negro College Fund still?

01:29:54.000 How do you have NAACP still?

01:29:56.000 How do you have Re Russia Association for?

01:29:59.000 They go, like I was on Fox once and this woman said that Hillary said colored person.

01:30:06.000 And what Hillary actually said was person of color. 0.97

01:30:08.000 And she was mortified in the green room going, oh my God, I said colored person. 1.00

01:30:12.000 I meant to say that Hillary said person of color.

01:30:14.000 Well, that's what I'm saying.

01:30:15.000 I'm like, why don't you apologize to him right now?

01:30:17.000 There's some black guy, sound guy over there.

01:30:18.000 I'm like, go apologize to him.

01:30:20.000 Maybe he'll forgive you.

01:30:21.000 Well, isn't it hilarious, though?

01:30:22.000 Think about what you just said.

01:30:23.000 I mean, if you didn't know this language and if you didn't know human beings, how ridiculous is it that it's okay to say a person of color, but it is not okay to say a colored person?

01:30:33.000 That is the same thing that this is all bullshit.

01:30:38.000 And I agree with you.

01:30:39.000 Then, like at my boxing gym, all the black dudes and the Puerto Ricans and the Hispanics are really good.

01:30:44.000 They're riffing.

01:30:46.000 They're all riffing.

01:30:47.000 People get brain damage.

01:30:48.000 They're all riffing on each other's ethnicity.

01:30:51.000 Like, well, yeah, you're Puerto Rican.

01:30:52.000 What would you know?

01:30:53.000 You fucking go back on welfare.

01:30:54.000 It's a fun way to riff.

01:30:56.000 And it was the way it was a generation ago with the Archie Bunkers on the dock.

01:31:00.000 Look at this fucking Polack. 1.00

01:31:01.000 And I believe that we were closer when we could make jokes like that and relax and be like, oh, it was on island time.

01:31:08.000 Look at the black guy. 1.00

01:31:10.000 And That's what I love about New York.

01:31:11.000 I disagree.

01:31:12.000 I disagree about that because I don't think we're not, I think we are closer now than we've ever been before.

01:31:16.000 But I think these issues that we're dealing with, these are like transitionary issues.

01:31:22.000 And I think that as people become more and more aware of each other, those will start to erode and be outed as being preposterous.

01:31:29.000 And I think these kind of conversations where we're mocking this, like national, like the colored people or a person of color, these conversations are important. 1.00

01:31:36.000 And I think ultimately people will come to their senses or at least come to their senses.

01:31:40.000 No, but I disagree that I think like I'm scared of women at work. 0.97

01:31:44.000 You're scared of women, period. 1.00

01:31:45.000 I don't riff at work.

01:31:46.000 They turn to sand.

01:31:49.000 The sand was an analogy to describe ovaries being fucking with you the way you fuck with people and you can't take it.

01:31:49.000 They hate sick.

01:31:55.000 How do you think?

01:31:56.000 I want to be clear.

01:31:57.000 I understand.

01:31:58.000 I've got it the whole way.

01:31:59.000 Black women at work.

01:32:00.000 Okay, we had some black women at work and I was scared of them because I thought this could be a large woman. 1.00

01:32:05.000 It's a uniwoman.

01:32:06.000 It's a double whammy.

01:32:07.000 Yes.

01:32:07.000 And the black women, right, at work, they don't like that they're a pariah.

01:32:12.000 You know, you're in the lunchroom riffing and going, look, Fag, you like hot dogs because they're cocks. 1.00

01:32:17.000 And then a black woman walks in and they go, hi, Shaniqua, how are you?

01:32:22.000 And everyone is walking on black woman eggshells, and that's not fun. 1.00

01:32:26.000 And I don't think the black women like it either. 1.00

01:32:28.000 So everyone was having fun until I walked into the lunchroom.

01:32:31.000 It's hard for me to get into this because the black women that I know are all black comedians. 1.00

01:32:35.000 Right.

01:32:35.000 Black women comedians, or the black women that I know from work, rather, I should say.

01:32:39.000 That's so, they're fun.

01:32:41.000 So it's like Tiffany Harris.

01:32:42.000 Well, when I say we were better off when you could riff, I'm talking about Middle America. 1.00

01:32:46.000 I'm talking about Archie Bunker.

01:32:47.000 I'm talking about cubicles and the lunchroom and the water cooler.

01:32:52.000 And I believe that all this political correctness has just made white people say, I'm getting away from them.

01:32:58.000 They're not worth the trouble.

01:33:00.000 They could ruin my career if I say the wrong joke.

01:33:02.000 Well, that is a real issue.

01:33:04.000 I mean, if you're dealing with super, super fucking sensitive people and you have them in the workforce, if you have a company.

01:33:13.000 Sorry for doing that over and over again.

01:33:15.000 Who was that woman that sued a famous tech woman who sued some company and they said she was really hard to work with and she lost.

01:33:25.000 She lost a lawsuit because she said it was about sexual discrimination.

01:33:29.000 All women? 0.96

01:33:30.000 No, but every company.

01:33:30.000 She's a famous woman.

01:33:31.000 She went on to work for Google or Reddit, rather.

01:33:34.000 She went on to work for Reddit.

01:33:35.000 Or the Asian woman? 0.87

01:33:36.000 Yes.

01:33:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:33:37.000 Didn't she own Reddit or something? 0.66

01:33:41.000 She didn't run Reddit, but she was one of the CEOs of Reddit.

01:33:43.000 Right, right, right.

01:33:45.000 I guess that is run Reddit, right?

01:33:46.000 But she sued for Ellen Powell. 1.00

01:33:51.000 Right?

01:33:51.000 That's her name?

01:33:52.000 I think she's a black husband.

01:33:54.000 And they're wanted for all kinds of fraud.

01:33:54.000 Okay, good for her.

01:33:56.000 I think she learned the hustle from the black husband, and he said, oh, just bitch about race. 1.00

01:34:01.000 And it's tons of.

01:34:02.000 I don't think she was bitching about race. 0.54

01:34:03.000 I think she was bitching about sexual discrimination. 1.00

01:34:06.000 But, you know, they were trying to say that she's not a good person.

01:34:09.000 She was not a good person.

01:34:10.000 And that was like the whole argument behind having someone like that is inherently dangerous.

01:34:16.000 Like if you have, not her in specific, but having someone who's like looking for those green lights.

01:34:23.000 Like we were talking about like with progressive people, looking to find something, some made-up transgression that they can call you out on.

01:34:32.000 A lot of the time, sorry if I'm interrupting you, but a lot of the time these women in the workforce subliminally recognize they shouldn't be there and they need to generate income. 1.00

01:34:41.000 So they come up with some sort of grievance and it's the grievance industry.

01:34:45.000 And I was watching TV in the hotel with my wife this morning.

01:34:50.000 We don't get to watch TV because we have kids and I don't like the TV being on at home.

01:34:53.000 So I'm just fucking binging on reality shows and hot rod shows and everything.

01:34:58.000 And she got bored and went to see her friends.

01:35:01.000 And I thought, the reason she's bored with all this reality show, like I was watching food factories. 0.99

01:35:06.000 When I watch food factories and they're showing how you make jam, I can imagine, oh, I see what they did there.

01:35:12.000 And I can imagine driving the truck that harvests the berries.

01:35:15.000 And I can imagine inventing the machine.

01:35:18.000 Oh, the screen's probably the best way to get out all the twigs and shit. 1.00

01:35:18.000 And I can see the screen. 1.00

01:35:21.000 And I'm watching like, my guys do my shit.

01:35:25.000 And I see that when I look at a building, I'm like, oh, you had I-beams there, and you built a strong foundation, obviously.

01:35:29.000 It's 80 floors high.

01:35:31.000 And I think women don't see the world the way we do. 1.00

01:35:34.000 And it's the same with kids.

01:35:35.000 Like, I'll take my kids to the park, and I'm playing with them, and I'm chasing my son around, and as a monster.

01:35:41.000 But a lot of the times after maybe 20 minutes in, I go, this is getting fucking tedious.

01:35:46.000 I'm sick of being a monster.

01:35:48.000 But my wife has unlimited patience when it comes to being with the kids. 1.00

01:35:52.000 So generally, overall, I'm not, obviously there's exceptions, but I think men are better at creating societies and women are better at nurturing.

01:36:02.000 And I just keep seeing these stereotypes of people.

01:36:04.000 So what about these angry women, you know, angry feminists? 1.00

01:36:08.000 You don't want them raising kids, right?

01:36:10.000 You don't want fucked up kids being raised by these angry women. 1.00

01:36:12.000 Yes, you're talking about a handful of cunts, but what's happening is these women like my wife, instead of meeting me and having three kids, they're going, I guess I should be in the workforce because men are women and women are men. 1.00

01:36:25.000 So she goes into the workforce.

01:36:27.000 She comes up with some stupid converse idea and everyone is just sitting pinching the bridge of their nose going, yeah, that's not going to work.

01:36:35.000 We can't use Rolling Stones music in a commercial.

01:36:37.000 It'd be like $3 million.

01:36:41.000 You know what I mean?

01:36:45.000 So what are you saying?

01:36:46.000 That women should totally rely on men? 1.00

01:36:49.000 That's another thing.

01:36:50.000 Relying on men, look, you fucking made three human beings come out of your consciousness.

01:36:55.000 But what if they didn't?

01:36:56.000 What if they didn't?

01:36:57.000 They have to find a man in order to get by?

01:37:00.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

01:37:01.000 Well, first of all, I would never say women aren't allowed in the workforce. 0.99

01:37:04.000 I'm talking about this huge contingent of women who have forced themselves into the workforce and don't like it. 1.00

01:37:11.000 And especially even moms with kids. 0.92

01:37:13.000 I keep seeing my friends who have working moms getting messages, texts.

01:37:18.000 I've even seen emails where they go, I'm fucking miserable.

01:37:22.000 I hate it.

01:37:22.000 Like Nina Simone.

01:37:23.000 I saw this Nina Simone documentary, and they talked about how late, well, the implication was she was lazy, but how miserable she was with her career. 1.00

01:37:30.000 And I'm watching, going, no, she's depressed because she's on tour in Europe and she's not with her fucking kids. 0.98

01:37:36.000 It's unnatural.

01:37:37.000 Well, in that sense, yeah, if you do have children and you're not with them and you're touring somewhere, especially if you're a woman, that should be really depressing. 1.00

01:37:44.000 It's depressing for men too, though.

01:37:46.000 It's depressing for me if I go on the road for a weekend and I don't have my kids.

01:37:50.000 I get bummed out.

01:37:51.000 First two days are pretty good.

01:37:54.000 Third day you start missing them.

01:37:56.000 Fourth day sucks.

01:37:57.000 With women, it's like my wife, we've been gone for 24 hours. 1.00

01:38:00.000 My wife won't let me say things my son says because it'll remind her.

01:38:04.000 It's like a tap of water.

01:38:06.000 Like he says, put down me.

01:38:08.000 If I said put down me right now to her, she'd be mad.

01:38:10.000 I understand what you're saying.

01:38:10.000 Right.

01:38:13.000 I don't.

01:38:15.000 It's real hard when you get into these generalizations like this because women, if they don't enter the workforce, then what do they do? 0.99

01:38:22.000 They wait around for some guy to pay the bills.

01:38:24.000 And the problem with the idea of saying that working moms, I agree that a lot of women wish they didn't have to work so they could take care of their kids, but then they're looked in disparaging ways by, and talked about disparaging ways by men who are like, well, you don't even contribute to the household.

01:38:40.000 Well, those guys are fucking assholes and fuck them.

01:38:43.000 And I don't understand this whole, I need to work.

01:38:45.000 I can't afford it.

01:38:47.000 When I was a kid, we were middle class.

01:38:48.000 And if you had that, my childhood today, you would be below the poverty line.

01:38:53.000 Like we had one car.

01:38:54.000 My mom would get the groceries on Wednesday after my dad got home.

01:38:57.000 We didn't go on vacation much.

01:38:58.000 We didn't have babysitters.

01:39:00.000 I didn't have a car.

01:39:02.000 And it was a perfectly happy life.

01:39:04.000 But there's this, I need to get in the workforce.

01:39:07.000 You need to get in the workforce to pay for the nanny.

01:39:09.000 You bought yourself into a higher tax bracket.

01:39:12.000 You need a car to commute from work.

01:39:14.000 I think it's a zero-sum game.

01:39:16.000 You probably bring seven grand a year to the family.

01:39:19.000 But where you live in Williamsburg, isn't that like super expensive?

01:39:23.000 It's fucking insane.

01:39:24.000 Like, how much does an apartment cost?

01:39:26.000 In the past few months, I ran the numbers, I've been spending $780 a day.

01:39:32.000 We blew $50,000 since March.

01:39:35.000 On what?

01:39:36.000 There's no culprit.

01:39:38.000 Like, booze?

01:39:38.000 I'm an alcoholic.

01:39:40.000 That's $40 a day.

01:39:41.000 The babysitters and Andy.

01:39:43.000 Yeah.

01:39:43.000 $40 a day?

01:39:44.000 Definitely.

01:39:45.000 Yep.

01:39:45.000 How many days did you try to take off?

01:39:47.000 I quit booze for Lent.

01:39:49.000 I didn't have drinks on Thursday.

01:39:50.000 Are you Catholic?

01:39:52.000 I just became Catholic.

01:39:53.000 I would grow up an atheist.

01:39:54.000 How old are you?

01:39:54.000 45.

01:39:55.000 What the fuck's wrong with you?

01:39:56.000 Why are you becoming Catholic now?

01:39:57.000 I had kids.

01:39:59.000 I realized that there's something else going on.

01:40:01.000 That's why I want everyone to have a lot of people who have to do it.

01:40:02.000 There's something else going on.

01:40:03.000 What?

01:40:03.000 A cult of child kid fuckers?

01:40:06.000 What's going on?

01:40:07.000 I was raised Catholic.

01:40:08.000 Oh, really?

01:40:08.000 Yeah, I abandoned that shit when I was a kid.

01:40:10.000 Those child fuckers are called gays. 0.99

01:40:13.000 Yeah, they're called priests, too.

01:40:15.000 And they're running the Catholic Church, by the way.

01:40:17.000 Okay.

01:40:18.000 You know about that, right?

01:40:19.000 That kid fuckers run the Catholic Church? 0.96

01:40:21.000 Yeah.

01:40:22.000 I think there is a problem in the Catholic Church with pedophilia.

01:40:25.000 And it comes from gays. 1.00

01:40:28.000 A giant problem.

01:40:29.000 Right.

01:40:29.000 A massive problem.

01:40:30.000 It literally is a cult of kid fuckers.

01:40:33.000 If NASCAR had as many drivers, fucking kids, it would have been closed down in the 60s.

01:40:38.000 Yeah.

01:40:39.000 Well, the whole Middle East should be shut down. 1.00

01:40:41.000 Yeah, but you're joining in on this.

01:40:42.000 Why are you joining in?

01:40:43.000 Why are you giving them money?

01:40:44.000 When they pass the tray around, do you throw 20 bucks in there thinking, I hope this goes to kid fuckers? 1.00

01:40:50.000 No.

01:40:50.000 But to be totally frank, I realized that there is a God, and Catholicism was the nearest thing to grab.

01:40:58.000 I mean, I could have been aiming.

01:40:59.000 There is a God.

01:41:01.000 How did you realize this?

01:41:04.000 Well, first of all, I think that religion should be a little more private.

01:41:08.000 Like, my wife, I don't know what her religion is.

01:41:10.000 Well, it's very convenient when people want to talk about religion and say religion should be private because then they don't have to defend ridiculous ideas.

01:41:17.000 Because religion is a ridiculous idea.

01:41:19.000 I'll bite.

01:41:20.000 I'll bite.

01:41:20.000 Ancient, ridiculous idea that makes no sense to me.

01:41:23.000 No one ever, like my wife's American Indian, right? 0.92

01:41:25.000 No one ever.

01:41:26.000 It's a lot of Americans, sir.

01:41:27.000 You mean indigenous.

01:41:29.000 She's an Indian.

01:41:30.000 Feather not die.

01:41:31.000 And I don't know what her fucking religion is.

01:41:33.000 She never talks about it.

01:41:34.000 If someone dies, they do fucking shrooms and sit in a teepee for three days.

01:41:38.000 That's my kind of religion.

01:41:39.000 She doesn't talk about it.

01:41:40.000 And no one ever criticizes it.

01:41:41.000 Like, with Indians, you can't go in a teepee if you're menstruating, right? 1.00

01:41:45.000 No one ever talks about that.

01:41:46.000 It's because they don't want the bears to come in and kill everybody else.

01:41:49.000 They don't have to justify their spirituality.

01:41:52.000 But for some reason, Christianity is like on the chopping block every day.

01:41:56.000 What about this on page three?

01:41:58.000 I don't understand it.

01:41:59.000 Why do we have to defend it?

01:42:00.000 Because there's a book.

01:42:01.000 You just said it yourself.

01:42:02.000 You don't know what they believe in.

01:42:05.000 The Torah doesn't get this kind of interrogation.

01:42:07.000 The Quran doesn't get this kind of interrogation.

01:42:09.000 The Torah is not filled with things that you would say are magic.

01:42:14.000 What is magic in the Torah?

01:42:15.000 What's magic?

01:42:17.000 Torah is just the Jew Bible. 1.00

01:42:19.000 But they don't believe that Jesus walked on water or came back from the dead or healed sick.

01:42:25.000 I'm not that well versed with the Torah, but I assume as a religious tract, it's full of whimsical, superhero-y-sounding stuff.

01:42:33.000 Well, you have to be able to defend that.

01:42:34.000 Isn't Moses in the Torah?

01:42:35.000 That was magic.

01:42:36.000 He split the sea.

01:42:37.000 Well, I don't know if the parting of the sea was in the Torah.

01:42:42.000 Yes, it's the first five books.

01:42:42.000 Is it?

01:42:44.000 Yeah, well, the thing about Moses.

01:42:47.000 You know, it's fascinating because it kind of brings it all full circle.

01:42:50.000 Mainstream Jerusalem scholars now believe that Moses was on drugs.

01:42:54.000 They believe that Moses was taking psychedelic drugs, and that's what the whole burning bush was.

01:42:59.000 The burning bush represents the acacia bush, which is a very common plant in that area, and it's rich with DMT.

01:43:07.000 So they think that the burning bush was them smoking DMT.

01:43:10.000 Wow.

01:43:11.000 Which is the most potent psychedelic drug known to man.

01:43:14.000 And it also gives you all of these experiences where you feel like you're in contact with some sort of a higher power.

01:43:20.000 So they think that that's what was going on.

01:43:22.000 My use of hallucinics also helped get me here in my teenage years.

01:43:29.000 But why did you join the Catholic Church?

01:43:32.000 It was the nearest one.

01:43:34.000 I liked the Knights of Columbus.

01:43:35.000 I joined the Knights of Columbus.

01:43:36.000 I'm a third-degree knight.

01:43:39.000 But what made me really believe in a deity, and I don't know why I'm telling this, but I was coming home once and my kid was in her crib, my first kid, and I was looking at her heel and, you know, a little baby's heel.

01:43:55.000 And I'm like, that thing fucking works.

01:43:57.000 There's a bone there.

01:43:58.000 There's the tissue.

01:43:59.000 It's got padded tissue below the bone.

01:44:02.000 And I'd always suspected there was a God deep down.

01:44:06.000 And then I just, it sort of washed over me and I went, Oh, I get it now.

01:44:12.000 The Big Bang was some sort of omnipotent force that created the first domino, and that domino fell, and everything followed after that.

01:44:21.000 So the Dodo Bird, it's not like God went and killed the Dodo Bird.

01:44:25.000 He set up this almost like that movie where the dude drinks the drink and turns into sand and goes into the waterfall.

01:44:34.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:44:37.000 Fuck, the prequel to Alien.

01:44:39.000 Yes.

01:44:40.000 What the hell is that?

01:44:41.000 Prometheus.

01:44:42.000 Almost like the beginning of Prometheus.

01:44:44.000 That massive, incredibly complex domino was set off, boom, with the big bang, and that made my daughters heal.

01:44:51.000 Wow, that's convenient thinking.

01:44:54.000 It seems like a guy who calls out bullshit all the time, but then just buys into that.

01:45:00.000 It's not about evolution.

01:45:01.000 It's not about random mutations.

01:45:02.000 Evolution is God.

01:45:03.000 Successful.

01:45:04.000 Evolution is God.

01:45:05.000 Well, when you say God, though, do you mean like a guy who created everything like a specific individual?

01:45:12.000 That's our shitty little teeny brains trying to wrap our minds around this incredible thing.

01:45:16.000 Here, I'll prove to you.

01:45:17.000 Don't you think that Catholicism represents our shitty little brains that create these ridiculous things? 1.00

01:45:17.000 God exists. 1.00

01:45:22.000 Our pathetic attempt to grasp the infinite.

01:45:26.000 Right, but why join into that?

01:45:27.000 Like, why become a part of it?

01:45:28.000 Because I'm in awe of life.

01:45:29.000 Like, if I go to Latin Mass and I'm in this unbelievable church, I don't understand what they're saying.

01:45:34.000 They're speaking Latin.

01:45:35.000 And that's kind of it's just recognizing the miracle that is birth, and I'm just so thankful that I'm here and the infinitesimally small odds that I was created.

01:45:45.000 And I'm just sort of saying, wow, thanks.

01:45:49.000 Do you do the same thing with science?

01:45:50.000 Do you go to like the Hayden Planetarium and do the same thing when you study constellations?

01:45:55.000 Sure.

01:45:55.000 I do.

01:45:56.000 You think I think the Earth is flat?

01:45:58.000 No, I don't.

01:45:59.000 Catholicism is also pretty pro-science.

01:46:02.000 What?

01:46:02.000 Catholicism is Galileo.

01:46:04.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

01:46:06.000 All Galileo... 0.99

01:46:14.000 They never really denied that the universe revolves on the sun.

01:46:17.000 This is not true at all.

01:46:19.000 They fucking put him under house arrest because he was insisting that the earth was not the center of the universe.

01:46:24.000 Right, but he wouldn't shut up about it.

01:46:25.000 And they eventually said that.

01:46:26.000 Because he was right.

01:46:27.000 Yes.

01:46:28.000 He was right.

01:46:29.000 You want to defend the Catholic Church in fucking 1502.

01:46:32.000 Well, don't even defend them today.

01:46:34.000 How about Ratzinger?

01:46:34.000 How about the fact that they own the fucking biggest gay bath?

01:46:37.000 They own a building that houses the biggest gay bathhouse in Europe. 0.87

01:46:41.000 So you would be okay if I was a member of a different Christian religion?

01:46:44.000 I think all religions are ridiculous. 1.00

01:46:45.000 I think ideologies are ridiculous.

01:46:48.000 You're against deity.

01:46:49.000 I am against predetermined patterns of behavior that you subscribe to that are thousands of years old, that were written by people who were extremely ignorant to the facts that we know now as to how the universe was formed and how biological life has evolved and all of the work that science has done.

01:47:08.000 That doesn't mean I don't believe in God.

01:47:10.000 It doesn't mean I don't believe in the possibility of there being some grand order to this.

01:47:16.000 But the idea that the Catholic Church, the guy who dressed like a wizard and sits on a fucking golden throne and you have to call him father, that that's the guy?

01:47:24.000 That this is the thing?

01:47:25.000 That's us trying to represent it.

01:47:26.000 That's us trying to...

01:47:29.000 I mean, this is really, really ancient shit that didn't make any sense back then.

01:47:34.000 And it's all they had.

01:47:36.000 But now that we do have science, and we do have so much more knowledge than the people who were writing this shit down in Qumran and fucking animal skins and leaving them in clay pots for people to go over and decipher.

01:47:48.000 It's ridiculous to know it's not.

01:47:51.000 We were talking about that enforcer who did a double homicide.

01:47:54.000 And you said, the enforcer at the beginning of the show who did a double homicide.

01:47:57.000 And you said, we've learned over time, it's been a pattern here with murder.

01:48:00.000 We don't like it.

01:48:01.000 The Bible was an amalgamation of all these stories where we went, here's some things we've learned.

01:48:08.000 Killing people sucks.

01:48:09.000 Don't do that.

01:48:11.000 And it's lasted for 3,000 years.

01:48:12.000 That's longer than catching.

01:48:14.000 Don't wear two different types of cloth.

01:48:15.000 That's really bad.

01:48:16.000 Yes, it's not perfect.

01:48:17.000 There is some weird shit in there.

01:48:19.000 There's a lot of weird shit in there.

01:48:21.000 Guys come back from the dead and they heal.

01:48:23.000 Okay.

01:48:24.000 Do you believe that a good definition of infinity is if you had monkeys on a typewriter forever, they would eventually print out the completed works of Shakespeare?

01:48:33.000 I think that that definition of infinity is a very strange one.

01:48:38.000 Because the idea that you would have these monkeys randomly typing on a typewriter and they would come up with the exact...

01:48:47.000 There's no evidence that it's possible that a monkey just slamming their fingers onto a keyboard would type out words in perfect grammar with periods and commas and question marks.

01:48:58.000 Could it possibly be possible?

01:49:00.000 How about a computer that is just randomly hitting, randomly printing out keys or infinity?

01:49:06.000 Would it not eventually, in a trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion years, happen to have printed out the complete works of Shakespeare?

01:49:14.000 It could be possible, but I've seen no evidence that it's ever been able to be replicated even in a simple sentence.

01:49:20.000 There's never some evidence.

01:49:21.000 It's infinity.

01:49:23.000 But we're talking about something that's never been replicated even on the tiniest scale.

01:49:30.000 Yeah, it has been replicated on the tiniest scale.

01:49:32.000 It's called hacking.

01:49:33.000 You keep trying the password, and eventually the computer, after 3,000 tries, cracks your password.

01:49:39.000 Yeah, but they work on complicated algorithms that were created by people.

01:49:48.000 But it's not random.

01:49:49.000 They're testing it.

01:49:50.000 Like when you were talking about a monkey typing on a keyboard, the monkey doesn't understand language.

01:49:55.000 So monkeys using semicolons in the proper form, using like three periods in a row and then a space, but doing it over and over again to form the complete works of Shakespeare.

01:50:05.000 Like, I guess I get it.

01:50:07.000 I guess I get it.

01:50:08.000 Okay.

01:50:08.000 But I don't buy it.

01:50:09.000 Let's start with that.

01:50:10.000 So you get it.

01:50:11.000 So we are next to an infinite universe.

01:50:15.000 That's monkeys on a typewriter.

01:50:17.000 That means at some point, there's got to be an Earth or a planet like Earth.

01:50:25.000 Right?

01:50:26.000 More than that, even.

01:50:28.000 Okay, good.

01:50:29.000 Right?

01:50:29.000 Then you go, wait a minute, if I'm doing infinite possibilities here, there's going to be an Earth where this is happening.

01:50:36.000 Not only that, what infinite means is the universe is so big that every single thing that has ever happened on Earth in the exact same order has happened an infinite number of times throughout the cosmos.

01:50:36.000 Joe Rogan.

01:50:49.000 That's because you're talking about infinity, but you're talking about something that literally has no boundaries.

01:50:53.000 So if there is one, the possibility of there being an infinite number of those things exists.

01:50:58.000 You sound like a nice to me.

01:51:00.000 My next step was going to be there's Joe Rogan interviewing a guy who looks exactly like Joe Rogan, but my name is Gavin McInnes, but I'm looking like you.

01:51:07.000 That's happening.

01:51:08.000 And then you go, wait a minute, why does it have to be 2015 in October?

01:51:12.000 Maybe it's 1936, and you're talking to me on an old timey bullhorn.

01:51:16.000 So why?

01:51:16.000 Right.

01:51:16.000 And then you go, wait a minute.

01:51:19.000 That is mathematically true.

01:51:21.000 I know for a fact, mathematically, that Joe Rogan is interviewing me with an old timey bullhorn in 1936 Earth.

01:51:28.000 Way the fuck out there.

01:51:28.000 Right.

01:51:29.000 And I look exactly like you.

01:51:32.000 I know that to be mathematically true.

01:51:33.000 And you have three cocks, two equals four, and I have three cocks. 1.00

01:51:36.000 But I also know that that isn't true.

01:51:38.000 I know that that's not happening.

01:51:40.000 Well, you don't know that.

01:51:41.000 Joe Rogan's not interviewing me in 1936.

01:51:45.000 How can you say that?

01:51:46.000 The fact that those two things are simultaneously true, one and the other, is proof there's a God.

01:51:52.000 Wait, what do you mean?

01:51:54.000 I don't understand what you just said.

01:51:55.000 Don't shake your head like that, you fuck.

01:51:58.000 You didn't say a goddamn thing.

01:51:59.000 How do you say you know that it's not true?

01:52:01.000 Two and two is four, and I know deep down two and two is not for.

01:52:05.000 I know, and you know.

01:52:07.000 You sound like a religious person right now.

01:52:08.000 There is no.

01:52:09.000 I'll give you that.

01:52:09.000 You sound like a guy who should go to church.

01:52:10.000 Oh, you sound crazier.

01:52:12.000 You're saying there's a planet where it's 1936 Earth.

01:52:15.000 You're interviewing me on a bullhorn.

01:52:17.000 No.

01:52:17.000 And I look like you.

01:52:18.000 I'm saying all possibilities in an infinite universe could possibly be happening right now.

01:52:23.000 All possibilities.

01:52:24.000 Meaning if Earth exists and if we do have cloth in the form of curtains and cameras that work with L C D crystals and a little tiny statue of Biggie Small, that that's possible everywhere.

01:52:37.000 If it exists here and the universe is infinite, it means you're dealing with hundreds of billions of galaxies with hundreds of billions of stars.

01:52:45.000 It is happening.

01:52:46.000 If I flip a coin, if I flip a coin 10 times, it's probably going to be a pretty even distribution of heads and tails.

01:52:52.000 If I flip a coin for three months, there's going to be one of those crazy on Thursday, there's a time I had heads 60 times in a row.

01:53:01.000 Maybe.

01:53:02.000 Now, when you go to the infinite universe, every possibility has to have happened.

01:53:07.000 Right, but yes, we know it didn't happen.

01:53:10.000 We don't know it didn't happen.

01:53:11.000 How can you say that?

01:53:12.000 There's no Joe Rogan Gavin.

01:53:14.000 There's very little Joe Rogan Gavin.

01:53:16.000 We have very little evidence about other planets at all.

01:53:16.000 Stop, that's nonsense.

01:53:19.000 The evidence that we have, we've collected all this data about planets.

01:53:22.000 We're looking at the gases that they admit in their atmosphere.

01:53:25.000 We're looking at the wobble that the stars around them have.

01:53:29.000 We could see that there's something that's circling the stars, so we know that the light changes.

01:53:33.000 We don't have a view into those planets.

01:53:36.000 We have a view into the planets in our solar system in a very limited way.

01:53:39.000 I mean, we're just now getting to Pluto.

01:53:43.000 We're learning how fucking weird Pluto is.

01:53:45.000 We haven't gone at all into the Kuiper belt. 0.97

01:53:47.000 We don't know anything about the galactic shelf outside of our solar system.

01:53:51.000 There's all sorts of shit out there.

01:53:52.000 They think there might be a brown dwarf star that we can't even see that's way, way, way outside of Pluto.

01:53:58.000 We're trying to figure out why there's certain things out there, why the Kuiper belt is filled with all these objects, why there's a drop-off, what massive body there might be deep into our solar system.

01:54:09.000 And then you go into other solar systems and other galaxies.

01:54:12.000 It's a fucking, they've barely scratched the surface.

01:54:15.000 For you to say that you know there's not a Gavin out there who looks like me with three dicks sitting in front of a 1930s microphone, it absolutely could be true. 1.00

01:54:22.000 And it could be true, it could be billions of light years away where we'll never be able to see it.

01:54:27.000 Not only that, that's a great argument against atheism.

01:54:30.000 You're sitting there saying there's no God.

01:54:32.000 That's just as crazy.

01:54:33.000 At the very least, I've reduced you to as crazy as me.

01:54:36.000 It's nothing, nothing has to do with religion there.

01:54:39.000 Nothing.

01:54:39.000 Nothing has to do with God there.

01:54:41.000 Nothing.

01:54:41.000 It's a magical omnipotent force.

01:54:43.000 Or science.

01:54:44.000 Or the fact.

01:54:45.000 Or science.

01:54:46.000 What's the scientific explanation for the Big Bang?

01:54:48.000 What started all this mess?

01:54:49.000 No one knows that.

01:54:50.000 That's a good one.

01:54:51.000 It's a big miracle.

01:54:52.000 What did the Bible say?

01:54:53.000 There shall be light.

01:54:54.000 Well, Terrence McKenna said, if science grants, they ask for one miracle.

01:55:00.000 They say, grant us one miracle and we'll explain the rest of the universe.

01:55:03.000 But that's just because it's a lack of information.

01:55:06.000 They don't know whether or not the Big Bang is even true.

01:55:08.000 There's a lot of scientists that believe that it could be possible that the universe exists in a constant state of expansion and compression, the same way the tides work, the same way there's cycles of breathing in and breathing out, that the universe will expand into some infinite direction, then come back into some infinitely small place.

01:55:25.000 This is why I believe in God.

01:55:27.000 That's why you believe in a cult of child fuckers that give you bread that's supposed to be the flesh of God. 0.83

01:55:34.000 Drink my blood.

01:55:35.000 Here it's wine.

01:55:36.000 Religion is a sad human attempt to act out what you just described. 1.00

01:55:42.000 Religion is a sad human attempt to act out what you described. 1.00

01:55:44.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:55:45.000 No, the traditions are a...

01:55:49.000 A human attempt.

01:55:50.000 A meager, a humble attempt to grasp what you were just talking about.

01:55:54.000 I think it's rigid ideology.

01:55:56.000 I think it's rigid ideology.

01:55:58.000 They try to control behavior and they want your mind.

01:56:00.000 Maybe people shouldn't go to church until they're 30.

01:56:03.000 Because when I go there, I just see all these nice old ladies saying, God bless you. 1.00

01:56:07.000 Well, that's right.

01:56:08.000 And I look in a big building, like Jason Jones.

01:56:10.000 You know Jason Jones from The Daily Show?

01:56:12.000 No.

01:56:13.000 Samantha B's husband? 0.72

01:56:15.000 I don't know her either.

01:56:16.000 Okay, so he was saying, I wish there was a religion I could join that wasn't religious.

01:56:20.000 And I think Bob Odenkirk's kids go to a fucking Jewish school where the rabbis are atheists. 1.00

01:56:26.000 So that thing exists.

01:56:27.000 But after we agreed on that, that that would be a cool thing, because that was back when I was an atheist, I go, Jason, I went to this thing.

01:56:35.000 It's called church.

01:56:36.000 Like, they don't talk about gays and dinosaurs.

01:56:39.000 They just say, God bless you.

01:56:42.000 And you're in there going, thanks that I'm here.

01:56:45.000 Gays and dinosaurs and abortion don't come up.

01:56:48.000 You just sit there going, Jesus Christ, what a miracle we're here.

01:56:53.000 I'm so thankful.

01:56:54.000 I'm so thankful to have you.

01:56:55.000 Well, that sounds all positive.

01:56:56.000 That sounds all positive.

01:56:57.000 But the idea of like subscribing to this ideology and doing it because you want to somehow or another put order to something that doesn't have order.

01:57:07.000 I don't want to put order.

01:57:08.000 No, I am in awe of the chaos.

01:57:11.000 It's like an awe room.

01:57:12.000 Okay.

01:57:13.000 And that's Native American religions, too.

01:57:15.000 They sit there and they give thanks to the North, they give thanks to the South, thanks to the East, thanks to the West.

01:57:20.000 All religions are the same. 0.70

01:57:21.000 Well, I think for Muslim religions, because they have such a severe problem with inbreeding that they've gone backwards in time. 1.00

01:57:29.000 He just did it again, huh?

01:57:30.000 I see what he did.

01:57:32.000 I see what you did.

01:57:34.000 No, look at Iran in 1965 and look at Iran now.

01:57:37.000 They've gone backwards in time.

01:57:40.000 Well, a lot of that has to do with war.

01:57:42.000 A lot of that has to do with all sorts of fucked up shit that's going on the middle of the year.

01:57:46.000 Marrying your first cousin is what it has to do with relying on them for oil. 1.00

01:57:52.000 There's a lot of shit going on.

01:57:54.000 Relying on them for oil.

01:57:55.000 Showing them how to mine oil and then paying them tons of money.

01:57:58.000 Well, that's also created these oligarchs, created these monarchs, these people that have insane amounts of power and wealth and control these areas.

01:58:05.000 Let's frack then if you hate it over there so much.

01:58:08.000 I just don't want to ruin our earth.

01:58:11.000 I don't want to ruin the natural resources of our planet, of our country.

01:58:15.000 I don't necessarily think that I don't think there's anything good about giving these people insane amounts of money or that there's anything good about relying on them.

01:58:24.000 I think also we're dependent upon fossil fuels so much that we've innovated in this one direction in such an extreme way.

01:58:32.000 I find people like Elon Musk pretty fucking fascinating because he's trying to figure out some way to do it in a different way.

01:58:38.000 Yeah, but every time we find out a way, the left goes, no, I don't like that.

01:58:42.000 I feel like they just want to bitch. 1.00

01:58:43.000 Oh, the left.

01:58:44.000 Like, we get a pipe from Canada down here.

01:58:47.000 Yes.

01:58:48.000 We get a pipe that goes from Canada down here.

01:58:50.000 How's that?

01:58:51.000 No, it would kill a bunch of owls.

01:58:53.000 Okay.

01:58:53.000 How about we frack here?

01:58:55.000 No, no, no.

01:58:55.000 Okay, so you want us to continue dealing with these fucking inbreds?

01:58:59.000 Well, we have done some really stupid things in the past that have ruined environments.

01:59:04.000 That's the same, what's Chernobyl.

01:59:06.000 That's what's going on in Fukushima.

01:59:08.000 Chernobyl.

01:59:09.000 There's a lot of different areas of this country that we could point to.

01:59:12.000 All the, what was it, Love Canal?

01:59:14.000 What was that fucking one area, the poison?

01:59:17.000 Three Mile Island?

01:59:17.000 No, no, no, no.

01:59:18.000 There was another.

01:59:19.000 There's been quite a few of them.

01:59:20.000 Sure.

01:59:21.000 And the all the nuclear tests that they've done.

01:59:25.000 I love that one animated GIF.

01:59:27.000 We see all the nuclear tests throughout history and all the ones they've been just lighting up in Nevada.

01:59:33.000 No.

01:59:33.000 Have you ever seen that?

01:59:34.000 Oh, it's amazing.

01:59:35.000 It shows you nuclear tests throughout history.

01:59:38.000 And, you know, you see like the first ones in the 40s, like boom, like, whoa, boom.

01:59:43.000 And then somewhere around like 1950s, 1960s, they go crazy.

01:59:49.000 And in Nevada, they just over and over and over again, racking off thousands of nuclear explosions.

01:59:56.000 And that's how John Wayne died.

01:59:59.000 That's how the Hulk was created.

02:00:01.000 I don't think that's true.

02:00:02.000 The Hulk was gamma rays.

02:00:04.000 It was a different thing.

02:00:05.000 But it was in Nevada at a test site, was it not?

02:00:07.000 Well, I think it was an experiment with gamma radiation that went wrong.

02:00:11.000 Look at this.

02:00:12.000 This is the thing.

02:00:13.000 This is an animated GIF file, and if you look, it shows the dates.

02:00:18.000 And then around 1940-something, 1949.

02:00:21.000 No, this is, we're coming in late because why don't we see these, Jamie?

02:00:26.000 There's one.

02:00:27.000 So this is late.

02:00:27.000 Boom.

02:00:28.000 You started it late.

02:00:29.000 Time lapse of every nuclear explosion.

02:00:31.000 So we're in the 1950s now.

02:00:33.000 The United States ones have already gone off.

02:00:35.000 What's the matter with this?

02:00:36.000 If you look at the time up in the testing nuclear explosions, well, what's the matter with it?

02:00:42.000 Well, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

02:00:46.000 Well, they're blowing up shit in the ocean.

02:00:48.000 They're blowing up shit.

02:00:49.000 But there's a lot of those areas that are just extremely toxic now.

02:00:53.000 Like Chernobyl.

02:00:54.000 Chernobyl is a fucking mess now.

02:00:55.000 Fukushima is because they're communist.

02:00:58.000 But we have to use nuclear weapons.

02:01:01.000 It ended World War II.

02:01:03.000 The Chinese, you know what the Chinese, the Japanese, you know what they were doing? 0.95

02:01:06.000 You got to read this book, The Rape of Nan Kui.

02:01:10.000 Unbroken.

02:01:11.000 You know the Angelina Jolie movie?

02:01:13.000 No.

02:01:13.000 She ruined it.

02:01:14.000 This guy, Louis Zamparini.

02:01:17.000 Yeah.

02:01:17.000 She ruined it?

02:01:18.000 What have been the books?

02:01:19.000 What about the people that wrote it?

02:01:20.000 No, the book is awesome.

02:01:20.000 What about the book?

02:01:21.000 The movie blows.

02:01:23.000 Right, but did she write the script?

02:01:24.000 Oh, it was her baby.

02:01:26.000 Oh, it was hers?

02:01:27.000 She created it? 0.89

02:01:28.000 She did the movie of the book.

02:01:28.000 Yeah.

02:01:30.000 I'm going to get back to Mark Maron eventually.

02:01:32.000 I hate a lot of famous people.

02:01:32.000 Okay.

02:01:37.000 But he said when he was a POW in World War II, the reason I brought up Angeline Jolie is because I was going to say, if you hear, if you're interested in Unbroken, please don't be discouraged by the shitty movie.

02:01:48.000 It's a fucking unbelievable book where this POW was stranded on a fucking raft for 35 days.

02:01:54.000 He beat up sharks.

02:01:55.000 He got in fist fights with sharks.

02:01:57.000 Anyway, in the book, when he's a Japanese POW, he saw Japanese women and children being trained to fight, and this wash of doom came over him because he goes, oh my God, after we kill all their men, they're still going to fucking fight.

02:02:13.000 How are we ever going to end this war?

02:02:15.000 They're going to go right down to the women and children. 1.00

02:02:17.000 Four-year-olds.

02:02:17.000 We're going to be fighting four-year-olds before this war is over?

02:02:20.000 And then, kaboom, kaboom, lit the whole island on fire, horrible bombs. 1.00

02:02:25.000 I'm not a pro-nuclear guy, ended the war. 0.84

02:02:28.000 But isn't there a lot of evidence they were already willing to surrender and that we didn't want to pay any attention to their wars?

02:02:34.000 Training women and children is not surrendering.

02:02:35.000 Yeah, but that's just survival.

02:02:37.000 I mean, anecdotal evidence of training women and children doesn't mean that the country wasn't willing to give up.

02:02:42.000 They were starving.

02:02:43.000 I mean, there was embargoes.

02:02:44.000 They were in a real bad place.

02:02:46.000 There was evidence that Japan was willing to surrender.

02:02:48.000 Yeah.

02:02:48.000 And then we just fucking bombed them anyway?

02:02:50.000 Yeah, we bombed them because we wanted to make a point and we wanted to test out our shit.

02:02:53.000 Really?

02:02:54.000 Well, I'll have to look into that.

02:02:55.000 Yeah, there's arguments on both sides, obviously, because you're talking about something that took place 70 fucking years ago.

02:03:00.000 It's a long-ass time.

02:03:02.000 But I think there's arguments that can be made that they didn't have to do that.

02:03:06.000 Can I get a bucket to piss in?

02:03:08.000 There's a bathroom right out there. 0.99

02:03:08.000 Yeah, well, you can go piss. 0.99

02:03:11.000 Don't worry about it, man.

02:03:12.000 Don't worry about it.

02:03:12.000 We'll pause this bitch.

02:03:15.000 All right.

02:03:16.000 He's a fascinating guy, isn't he?

02:03:20.000 It's cute because he's fucking around, but then he's not fucking around.

02:03:27.000 It's sort of like a low-rent gonzo journalism thing he's doing.

02:03:31.000 But he's sort of he has real opinions, and then he fucks around when you challenge those real opinions and says really brash things that he doesn't really believe.

02:03:45.000 Yeah, it's very Fox Newsish, right?

02:03:48.000 I don't think it's Fox Newsish, but I find it fascinating that all these right-wing guys, they have to be religious.

02:03:54.000 It's a part of the protocol.

02:03:55.000 You have to align yourself with people that will blindly support you or will take you in if you like you have to be religious.

02:04:05.000 Like Stephen Crowder, religious. 0.59

02:04:07.000 Milo Yiannopoulos, religious.

02:04:10.000 All those guys they have in common that they represent the right.

02:04:14.000 And I don't necessarily even buy it.

02:04:17.000 I don't think they're really subscribing to it.

02:04:20.000 I think you have to align yourself with people that will blindly support you.

02:04:26.000 And that's like one of the best ways to do it.

02:04:28.000 That's how Reagan got in office. 0.51

02:04:31.000 Aligned himself with the fucking religious people. 0.76

02:04:31.000 Right? 0.76

02:04:34.000 That's how he got in there.

02:04:35.000 But I don't know.

02:04:37.000 All Canadians think that America is run by Christians.

02:04:40.000 And then I moved here and I saw a bunch of atheists. 0.99

02:04:44.000 What, run in the country?

02:04:45.000 Well, they have to say they're Christian. 0.50

02:04:46.000 You have to say Christian. 0.98

02:04:47.000 Professor Obama doesn't believe in God.

02:04:49.000 He's a Christian.

02:04:49.000 How do you know?

02:04:50.000 I can tell.

02:04:51.000 How can you tell?

02:04:51.000 Look at his eyes?

02:04:52.000 The black? 0.93

02:04:53.000 I can smell it.

02:04:53.000 In fact, they...

02:04:54.000 *sniff*

02:04:56.000 You think he's gay?

02:04:56.000 Yeah.

02:05:00.000 I have heard that rumor.

02:05:02.000 It doesn't really wash.

02:05:04.000 But I do believe a lot of conspiracy shit.

02:05:06.000 I don't think his birth certificate is real.

02:05:06.000 Like what?

02:05:08.000 Really?

02:05:09.000 I think only one of his daughters is his birth daughter.

02:05:12.000 I never heard that one.

02:05:12.000 What?

02:05:12.000 Yeah.

02:05:14.000 You got to talk to Charles.

02:05:15.000 Have you ever had Charles Johnson on the show?

02:05:16.000 Yes.

02:05:17.000 He is.

02:05:18.000 He's a silly boy.

02:05:19.000 No, he's a great guy.

02:05:21.000 He's a nerd beyond nerd.

02:05:22.000 He's a robot.

02:05:23.000 He's such a nerd.

02:05:24.000 Right.

02:05:25.000 And his research is fucking amazing.

02:05:27.000 Well, he definitely does a lot of reading, goes after people.

02:05:31.000 He says some preposterous shit.

02:05:34.000 Like what?

02:05:34.000 The thing about taking out D-Ray Mackin.

02:05:34.000 What?

02:05:38.000 He didn't mean shoot him.

02:05:39.000 It doesn't matter the way you say it.

02:05:41.000 Like saying it like that.

02:05:42.000 When you say something like that, how much would it cost for someone to take him out?

02:05:46.000 You have to be really specific when you say something like that, where you're talking about a marginalized figure who's maybe people would say a civil rights activist.

02:05:57.000 He should have said take down.

02:05:58.000 Take down even is weird.

02:06:00.000 How about look up dirt on him?

02:06:02.000 Be real specific as to what you're looking for.

02:06:06.000 This is nitpicking.

02:06:07.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:06:08.000 I got some gossip.

02:06:09.000 You want some gossip?

02:06:10.000 Sure.

02:06:11.000 So I do a show on Anthony Camilla's network.

02:06:15.000 Right.

02:06:15.000 And I was going to be on Race Wars with Sherrod Small and Kurt Metzger.

02:06:20.000 Now, I hate Opie for what he did to Anthony.

02:06:24.000 Well, what did Opie do?

02:06:25.000 Nothing.

02:06:26.000 You mean that he didn't support him?

02:06:28.000 Yeah.

02:06:29.000 Well, they should have left together.

02:06:31.000 Their contract was.

02:06:32.000 Or at least put up a bit of a fight.

02:06:34.000 Or at least call the guy.

02:06:35.000 Yeah.

02:06:36.000 Well, I think Sirius probably offered him a lot of money.

02:06:38.000 Right.

02:06:38.000 And he has a wife and kids and the internet thing was not.

02:06:42.000 Sirius offered me a ton of money.

02:06:45.000 And I got wife and kids.

02:06:46.000 You know what you do?

02:06:47.000 You do exactly what the Jeremy Clarkson people at Top Gear did.

02:06:50.000 You just step back.

02:06:52.000 When Jeremy Clarkson got in that fight with the producer at Top Gear and they fired him.

02:06:55.000 Punched the guy after a 12-hour shift, lost his temper.

02:06:58.000 James Manny and Robert, what the fuck is it?

02:07:01.000 What was the other guy's name?

02:07:04.000 Whatever.

02:07:05.000 They stepped back and they went, okay, this show's over.

02:07:09.000 We're not doing this anymore.

02:07:10.000 We're not doing it without him.

02:07:11.000 And they decided that they recast Top Gear, and those guys are now doing their own show with the Amazon network.

02:07:18.000 That's fucking awesome.

02:07:19.000 It's great.

02:07:20.000 I wouldn't even ask that of OP.

02:07:22.000 I would just say, at least try.

02:07:24.000 I had these friends who, you know, we're always trying to get pilots made and trying to get shows on the air.

02:07:29.000 And this guy did like a funny news show, and they liked the concept of the show.

02:07:33.000 They didn't like him as a host.

02:07:35.000 And they go, well, how about you as the host?

02:07:37.000 And we were all friends.

02:07:38.000 And he goes, they want me as the host, and it's his show.

02:07:41.000 What should I do?

02:07:42.000 I don't know what to do.

02:07:43.000 I go, fucking call him and present the situation.

02:07:48.000 Yeah.

02:07:48.000 And go, this is the deal.

02:07:49.000 They're not going to hire you.

02:07:50.000 You don't talk?

02:07:51.000 They fucking didn't talk at all.

02:07:52.000 I don't think they've spoken since.

02:07:53.000 What?

02:07:54.000 So when Anthony got fired, that was the last they spoke.

02:07:56.000 Yep.

02:07:57.000 What?

02:07:57.000 He just thought, fuck you.

02:07:58.000 You fucked up.

02:07:59.000 I don't need this shit.

02:08:00.000 That's what he did.

02:08:02.000 Yeah.

02:08:03.000 Finally.

02:08:04.000 Yeah, I think he was looking forward to an end.

02:08:08.000 There's some fights on YouTube where there's one show where he was chewing grapes, I think, and he wasn't paying attention.

02:08:17.000 Anthony wasn't listening or Opie was chewing grapes.

02:08:19.000 I can't remember what the details were, but Opie loses his temper and he goes, this isn't going to last forever.

02:08:24.000 We're going to, we've got maybe another year or so, but we're done.

02:08:27.000 Yeah, I heard that one.

02:08:28.000 Yeah.

02:08:30.000 And I'm even fine with that.

02:08:31.000 But just call the dude and go, I'm done.

02:08:34.000 You know, we live in this shitty society where people don't fucking talk to each other anymore.

02:08:39.000 Even my anarcho-punk friends, Crass, Penny Rimbo, the guy who started Crass, he goes, Conflict, we're getting all kinds of royalties from our songs.

02:08:49.000 And fuck them.

02:08:50.000 We're never speaking to them again.

02:08:51.000 And I go, did you call Colin from Conflict?

02:08:54.000 And he goes, no, I just, I mean, that's what I heard.

02:08:57.000 And I give him a call.

02:08:58.000 It turns out they had a Crass cover on one of their live albums.

02:09:02.000 And technically, they should have been giving the royalties from that song to that.

02:09:05.000 Why didn't you fucking call him?

02:09:06.000 Anyway.

02:09:08.000 That's a very specific instance.

02:09:10.000 I know.

02:09:10.000 So Race Wars.

02:09:11.000 So Race Wars, I was going to be on it.

02:09:13.000 I am going to be on it on Wednesday to discuss exactly this.

02:09:15.000 But I get this text from Kurt.

02:09:19.000 He's going to be so pissed I'm bringing this up again.

02:09:22.000 But it said, hey, man, do you have some OP shit going on?

02:09:25.000 And I, on Anthony's show a long time ago, I don't feel strongly about OP at all, really.

02:09:30.000 I'm actually very new to Opie and Anthony.

02:09:32.000 And I said, I just noticed as a new listener, every time there's a fun riff going with Jim and Ant that's funny because they're funny guys, Opie would come in like a chick and just go, yeah, well, you shower and I'll show her, right, guys?

02:09:45.000 And you just hear the vibe go, brrrr.

02:09:48.000 And it would ruin the fun.

02:09:50.000 And I called him a torpid sloth, meaning a slow sloth.

02:09:54.000 Even slower.

02:09:55.000 Torpid.

02:09:56.000 Lugub.

02:09:56.000 Lubrious.

02:09:56.000 I've never even heard that word.

02:09:58.000 It's a great word.

02:09:58.000 Thank you.

02:09:59.000 I'll add that to the vernacular.

02:10:00.000 Torpid and lugubrious are great ways to say it.

02:10:02.000 Lugubrious.

02:10:03.000 What does lugubrious mean?

02:10:04.000 Same thing.

02:10:05.000 Slow.

02:10:06.000 Why not just say slow sloth?

02:10:06.000 Yeah.

02:10:08.000 That sounds like a bad thing.

02:10:09.000 I love the English language and I want to expand it.

02:10:11.000 That's why I hate immigrants so much. 1.00

02:10:14.000 They massacre it every day.

02:10:16.000 So that's a beef I have with opi, I guess.

02:10:20.000 Right.

02:10:21.000 And by the way, as far as beef, I'm sure both of us personally feel like one molecule of contempt.

02:10:28.000 Okay.

02:10:28.000 But if you ask me about him, that's my opinion.

02:10:30.000 It's like my opinion on Macy Gray.

02:10:33.000 Not my cup of tea.

02:10:34.000 The singer?

02:10:35.000 Yeah.

02:10:37.000 But I don't have a beef with Macy Gray. 1.00

02:10:38.000 I just think she sucks.

02:10:39.000 I don't even know her song.

02:10:40.000 That big giant black woman, she's just... 1.00

02:10:43.000 Yeah.

02:10:44.000 Yeah.

02:10:45.000 Choke? 0.99

02:10:46.000 Say goodbye and I choke.

02:10:47.000 Say goodbye and I choke.

02:10:47.000 Oh, oh.

02:10:50.000 I think she abandoned her kids, actually, for her career, yeah. 0.78

02:10:50.000 Oh, yeah. 0.78

02:10:54.000 Are you just making that up?

02:10:55.000 No, maybe the nerd could look it up.

02:10:57.000 The nerd.

02:10:58.000 How dare you?

02:11:01.000 Maybe the super cool guy who gets Lady Lot can look it up. 1.00

02:11:05.000 So anyway, Kurt goes, do you have some weird beef with Opie?

02:11:08.000 I think we got to cancel you.

02:11:10.000 What?

02:11:11.000 Yeah.

02:11:11.000 And so I...

02:11:15.000 You have a beef with Opie?

02:11:16.000 Why would he do that?

02:11:19.000 To save his job.

02:11:20.000 To save his show.

02:11:22.000 And then Sherrod.

02:11:22.000 I don't understand.

02:11:23.000 Sherrod calls.

02:11:24.000 How is it saving his job?

02:11:26.000 Because it's on OP Radio.

02:11:27.000 Race Wars is on OP Radio.

02:11:28.000 Oh.

02:11:30.000 So then Sherrod calls.

02:11:31.000 That's why you should be on a fucking network right there.

02:11:34.000 Because I have people on here that are enemies with people who are my friends, and I'm friends with both of them, and they have fucking beef with each other.

02:11:42.000 Like Damarrera and Dice Clay, they fucking hate each other.

02:11:42.000 I'm like, eh.

02:11:45.000 They're both friends of mine.

02:11:47.000 That's good radio.

02:11:49.000 I don't take sides unless there's something, like if he's just arguing, like, this guy sounds dumb, or that guy's, there has to be some reason.

02:11:58.000 Like, you have to have done, this has to be some transgression that I can't accept.

02:12:02.000 You know, where I say, I have to put my foot down.

02:12:04.000 But it's just, ah, this guy sounds like a chick. 0.75

02:12:06.000 Well, the exception is if this guy threatened your wife and kids or something.

02:12:10.000 Something.

02:12:10.000 It's a felony.

02:12:11.000 I mean, that's a fun crime.

02:12:12.000 Or you're a rat or you steal jokes or there's got to be a reason.

02:12:17.000 But even stealing jokes.

02:12:18.000 Actually, one of my favorite things on the internet is you confronting Carlos Mancia.

02:12:23.000 That's what you do.

02:12:24.000 You fucking go to the guy and go, this joke, this joke, this joke, this joke.

02:12:28.000 Well, with that guy, it kind of had to be done.

02:12:30.000 But when you have people like that, that's a reason to not have him on.

02:12:34.000 Like, that makes sense.

02:12:35.000 Like, this is a real reason.

02:12:36.000 Sure, but even Carlos Mancia, I would imagine today, him on this show, that would be fucking off.

02:12:41.000 What happened to him?

02:12:42.000 Exactly.

02:12:42.000 Did he vanish up there?

02:12:43.000 He's so dumb.

02:12:44.000 If you had him on, you would just be like, oh, this is just fluff.

02:12:48.000 Tell him to get him out of here.

02:12:49.000 Then he leaves.

02:12:50.000 Like, there's a, what's his name?

02:12:52.000 Then you have to deal with him.

02:12:54.000 This dude who was on Opian Anthony once who lies.

02:12:57.000 Who lies?

02:12:58.000 Max Tucker.

02:12:58.000 Tucker.

02:13:00.000 And he was talking about some threesome that he filmed with a beta tape.

02:13:04.000 And they're like, where's the tape then if you filmed it?

02:13:06.000 Right.

02:13:06.000 And he didn't know because he was lying.

02:13:09.000 And then they just go, get the fuck out of here.

02:13:10.000 And he leaves.

02:13:10.000 And it's a fucking great clip.

02:13:12.000 And then they tore up his book.

02:13:13.000 Yes, yes, yes.

02:13:14.000 But anyway, she goes, yeah.

02:13:17.000 And then Sherrod, who's sort of the alpha male of that show, goes, he goes, every time I do an imitation of him, he says it's slavey, so I won't do it, bro.

02:13:28.000 Slavey?

02:13:28.000 Yeah, I go, I'm Canadian.

02:13:29.000 We don't do slavery shit.

02:13:31.000 He goes, nigga, Obi didn't cancel you, nigga. 1.00

02:13:35.000 Give.

02:13:36.000 I canceled you.

02:13:38.000 And he goes, I want to be more informed.

02:13:38.000 And I go, why?

02:13:41.000 And I go, then text me and go, did you threaten his kids and wife?

02:13:46.000 And then I would text no.

02:13:47.000 And then you go, you're.

02:13:48.000 Was that an accusation?

02:13:49.000 No, but I'm saying that's a reason to cancel.

02:13:52.000 So find out if it's the big one.

02:13:54.000 And then if it's not, say, let's have it on the air.

02:13:55.000 And the same thing happened with Jim Norton on Opie and Anthony back when it was Opie and Anthony.

02:14:01.000 He was doing a show with Vice, and I was scheduled to be on, and he bumped it.

02:14:06.000 And I called him.

02:14:08.000 Now, Jim, Sherrod, and Kurt, I love, by the way.

02:14:11.000 I'm sorry I'm fucking talking shit.

02:14:13.000 Awesome dudes, but this is just a thing that I think someone did wrong.

02:14:16.000 I mean, it's like you jaywalking.

02:14:18.000 I'd say Joe Morgan shouldn't have jaywalked.

02:14:20.000 So Jim goes, no, I wanted to be informed before I had you on.

02:14:23.000 And we fought for an hour and a half about this.

02:14:26.000 And I couldn't get anywhere in the air.

02:14:29.000 It was like that David Cross thing about free lunches.

02:14:31.000 I couldn't move forward.

02:14:32.000 It was just, and I go, how can you fucking believe that?

02:14:35.000 Informed?

02:14:36.000 You always have a dossier on every guest and you understand every facet of their lives?

02:14:36.000 What?

02:14:41.000 You didn't want me on because you had a vice show and you didn't want to jeopardize it.

02:14:44.000 And he goes, no, I didn't want you bringing up some beef with someone at vice that I didn't know about.

02:14:49.000 And I'm like, well, then have it out on the air.

02:14:51.000 Well, not only that, how about just do a little research?

02:14:53.000 I mean, how long does it take to find out?

02:14:55.000 Two seconds.

02:14:56.000 I had a guy on my show who believes the Earth is flat.

02:14:59.000 I had a guy that's been fucking sending me YouTube clips.

02:15:02.000 He's angry and they made a hate video about me because I deny that the Earth is flat and he finds inconsistencies with the space station photographs.

02:15:11.000 Hilarious.

02:15:12.000 Puddle theory, I think it's called.

02:15:13.000 It's adorable.

02:15:14.000 Now, I clearly wasn't informed on puddle theory when I had the guy on.

02:15:18.000 Clearly.

02:15:18.000 I didn't go, well, actually, the Antarctica has been explored in 1936, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

02:15:24.000 I was like, so what's this?

02:15:25.000 The Earth is flat?

02:15:26.000 And then we discussed the flat Earth.

02:15:27.000 And what did the guy say?

02:15:29.000 Can I watch that?

02:15:31.000 What's the episode?

02:15:32.000 It's the David Webb, Down the Rabbit Hole, Deep Down the Rabbit Hole guy.

02:15:37.000 He has a podcast on Stand Up New York.

02:15:38.000 Oh, there's a rabbit hole.

02:15:39.000 Yeah.

02:15:40.000 And the rabbit hole is the Earth is flat.

02:15:42.000 He's one of many people who believe this.

02:15:44.000 It actually made him believe in God because he thought the great creator made this series of puddles.

02:15:44.000 Yeah.

02:15:50.000 Wow.

02:15:50.000 There's a series of sorts of people.

02:15:51.000 You and me walk together and talk about 1930s microphones and dudes with three dicks.

02:15:56.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

02:15:58.000 So what is the beef with Vice?

02:16:00.000 You guys started together.

02:16:01.000 Shane Smith's a good friend of mine, but we never...

02:16:05.000 Yeah, I like that guy.

02:16:06.000 How dare you?

02:16:06.000 Okay.

02:16:07.000 Okay.

02:16:08.000 I like him.

02:16:09.000 I like him.

02:16:10.000 He's, I mean, I grew up with him.

02:16:12.000 I love him.

02:16:12.000 How about that?

02:16:13.000 I hug him when I see him.

02:16:14.000 Really?

02:16:14.000 He's a sweetie.

02:16:14.000 Wow.

02:16:15.000 I think that he's not a friend of mine.

02:16:20.000 But you grew up together?

02:16:21.000 Yeah.

02:16:21.000 When did it go wrong?

02:16:23.000 06.

02:16:24.000 What happened?

02:16:26.000 I think it was, I mean, I legally can't talk about it because I sold my shares, so I did a non-disclosure, non-disparagement thing.

02:16:33.000 Get paid?

02:16:33.000 I got fucking incredibly paid.

02:16:35.000 I've made great money since then, too.

02:16:37.000 But I just keep hearing things about him and I go, Really?

02:16:41.000 People believe that?

02:16:42.000 Like, I got this story recently.

02:16:45.000 Oh, yeah, when I was in the Bosnian war as a war reporter, writing about Tito, and I thought a lot of these war journalists are lazy.

02:16:54.000 And I'm like, dude, you weren't even there.

02:16:56.000 And war reporters, producers died reporting on that war.

02:17:01.000 And you're talking about them like they're human garbage, the audacity.

02:17:05.000 And no one ever looks it up.

02:17:06.000 Charles C. Johnson is one of the few guys who looks it up and goes, you weren't fucking there.

02:17:10.000 You never worked for AP.

02:17:12.000 I don't know anything about that, so I can't comment.

02:17:15.000 Well, when I hired him as a salesman after we started the magazine, I never thought I'd be talking about him as a journalist because he never seemed to have any kind of interest in it whatsoever.

02:17:24.000 Well, his videos of him going to all these different places are fucking extraordinary.

02:17:28.000 You've got to admit that.

02:17:29.000 Never seen him.

02:17:29.000 Really?

02:17:30.000 Yeah.

02:17:30.000 You should watch them and then maybe comment.

02:17:32.000 Okay, yeah.

02:17:33.000 And as far as he goes, I can't say anything about him post-08 because I've never seen anything he's done or my problem is everything that I've seen is post-09.

02:17:43.000 Okay.

02:17:43.000 Everything I saw was post-me starting this podcast.

02:17:46.000 So we're not contradicting each other here.

02:17:48.000 Yeah.

02:17:49.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:17:50.000 I don't know what he said before or what he's saying now, but I said this.

02:17:54.000 This is how I sum up most splits.

02:17:56.000 Like I was talking to Jill Abramson from the New York Times.

02:17:59.000 You know her?

02:17:59.000 She was the executive advisor.

02:18:00.000 I know her name, sure.

02:18:02.000 She was ousted.

02:18:03.000 How dare they?

02:18:04.000 I go, it comes down to beers, right?

02:18:07.000 Like, you weren't going out for beers with Pinch, Arthur Sulzberger, the head of the New York Times.

02:18:12.000 And she goes, yeah, basically.

02:18:14.000 I mean, that's what all these splits come down to is we stopped liking each other.

02:18:17.000 We didn't go out for beers anymore.

02:18:18.000 Opi and Anthony.

02:18:19.000 Yeah.

02:18:19.000 We weren't going out for splits anymore.

02:18:20.000 We don't have any more friends.

02:18:21.000 That's what's so great about the Japanese.

02:18:22.000 They insist on beers.

02:18:24.000 And when you have beers with someone that you work with, you and the super hot hunk, you establish that you're both human beings and that though you disagree, I hate when BLTs aren't toasted too. 0.58

02:18:35.000 And it just, it's like a reboot of the humanity of people.

02:18:39.000 And I had a wife and kids, you know, they didn't, and we stopped hanging out.

02:18:44.000 And then any excuse was a reason to split.

02:18:49.000 So you agree to disagree?

02:18:52.000 On what?

02:18:52.000 On that.

02:18:54.000 No, it was a horrible divorce.

02:18:56.000 It was lawyers and tons of horrible shit.

02:18:58.000 But I'm saying that was the impetus.

02:19:00.000 It's that simple.

02:19:01.000 It's not like there's some sort of big secret, like I fucked his girlfriend.

02:19:05.000 Do you wish that you were still involved in that?

02:19:07.000 Because you started it and now you see it grow and it's on HBO and it's this huge fucking thing online.

02:19:13.000 It's massive.

02:19:14.000 The only way I could, I always ran 100% of the content.

02:19:18.000 I was the boss of that and they did sales.

02:19:20.000 So how did it happen that Shane became the boss?

02:19:24.000 Well, as we grew bigger, we were doing mergers and I think, you know, your salesman has power because he's bringing in the money.

02:19:30.000 So that salesman can start exercising that power if he wants.

02:19:35.000 And so, you know, when he said, fuck you, all of a sudden it had this big influence.

02:19:40.000 And when I said, fuck you back, it became lawyer things.

02:19:43.000 But for me to still be there, I would have to be subservient to my previous employees, in a sense, like my salesman, my Herb Tarlick.

02:19:51.000 It would be Johnny Fever asking Herb Tarlick if he could play a song.

02:19:54.000 There's some reference that I'm struggling to keep up with.

02:19:57.000 I kind of remember Johnny Fever, but Herb was the guy.

02:20:00.000 He was a sales guy.

02:20:01.000 Herb Tarlick and Les Nessman have taken over WKRP.

02:20:01.000 Yeah, okay, I remember that.

02:20:04.000 And you're saying to Johnny Fever, would he like to come back to WKRP?

02:20:08.000 Are you Johnny Fever?

02:20:09.000 Yeah.

02:20:10.000 Who else am I going to be?

02:20:11.000 Bailey?

02:20:12.000 Maybe the chick. 1.00

02:20:13.000 Was it?

02:20:14.000 Lonnie Anderson?

02:20:15.000 Yeah.

02:20:16.000 Lonnie and Bailey.

02:20:18.000 I was the chick.

02:20:19.000 I was the secretary of Vice.

02:20:21.000 But Vice is a totally different animal now, right?

02:20:23.000 I mean, massive multimedia conglomerate.

02:20:28.000 I don't know anything about it.

02:20:30.000 That's got to be so weird.

02:20:31.000 It's a house of cards.

02:20:33.000 Did you name it?

02:20:34.000 I don't know.

02:20:35.000 Yeah, we were called Voice of Montreal.

02:20:37.000 Sarouche named it.

02:20:38.000 Les Nessman named it.

02:20:40.000 And it was a tax scam that these black Haitians were running. 1.00

02:20:45.000 And they just kept us as a golden goose, pretended it was this multicultural paper, and they got their money. 0.67

02:20:50.000 And then we realized, I think after I hired Shane, that they don't want us to generate income because they just need us to be this tiny little bubble that they get paid to promote.

02:21:02.000 You know, there's all this money in Canada to promote multiculturalism and all this shit.

02:21:06.000 So we were a multicultural paper, but we wrote about skateboarding and punk bands.

02:21:10.000 The people paying the money.

02:21:11.000 Yeah, never read the, it was a newsprint tablet.

02:21:14.000 And so how did it become what it is now?

02:21:16.000 So we left, and to avoid litigation, I said, let's just change the name to Vice from Voice.

02:21:21.000 Right.

02:21:22.000 And then we made up this lie where we said the village voice in New York threatened to sue us.

02:21:28.000 So we had to change the name to survive.

02:21:30.000 And Canadians fucking salivate over any David and Goliath story involving America.

02:21:37.000 So it was in everything.

02:21:38.000 It was in all the magazines, all the papers, coast to coast.

02:21:42.000 America's bullying Canada again.

02:21:44.000 And no one looked it up.

02:21:45.000 And after you left, so this is 2006, that's when it took off.

02:21:49.000 You had to be like, what the fuck?

02:21:50.000 I left in 08.

02:21:52.000 Oh, you left in 08.

02:21:53.000 Things started getting rocky in 06.

02:21:54.000 Well, yeah, if the salesman takes over a company, it's going to become more profitable.

02:21:58.000 I mean, my sort of thing.

02:21:59.000 Well, not just more profitable, but bigger.

02:22:01.000 I mean, not just profitable, but the reach.

02:22:04.000 Like, what it's going to accomplish.

02:22:06.000 Your ex-wife is sucking off, a dude. 1.00

02:22:08.000 Like, she's getting funny.

02:22:09.000 She's doing a really good job.

02:22:11.000 That's what I'm trying to get to.

02:22:12.000 In that Woody Allen movie in Husbands and Wives, when they go, I saw your ex-wife. 0.76

02:22:16.000 She was with Liam Neeson.

02:22:17.000 She looked great.

02:22:18.000 Is that when you found Jesus?

02:22:21.000 Let me see.

02:22:22.000 No, I found Jesus in 05.

02:22:25.000 Oh.

02:22:26.000 Any coincidence that that's when shit started to go bad 12 months later?

02:22:30.000 No.

02:22:31.000 I mean, I've never been very public about my religion and my deism.

02:22:36.000 I don't even know how it came up in this podcast.

02:22:38.000 I honestly get uncomfortable when it comes up because I feel like we're talking about my foreskin or something.

02:22:43.000 I'd actually feel like you're talking about my foreskin, yeah.

02:22:45.000 That's what I was saying.

02:22:46.000 I feel like you'd talk about your foreskin. 0.68

02:22:47.000 It's like talking about my wife's asshole.

02:22:49.000 Talking about religion is like talking about my wife's asshole. 0.94

02:22:51.000 Interesting.

02:22:52.000 Yeah.

02:22:53.000 So, but now when you see vice on HBO, do you have to flip the channels or do you watch it?

02:22:59.000 I've never watched it.

02:23:00.000 It doesn't come up.

02:23:01.000 I think it has come up once in a while when I'm scrolling and I just keep scrolling.

02:23:06.000 Do you have a feeling?

02:23:07.000 Like seeing a photo of an old girl? 0.99

02:23:09.000 Disdain.

02:23:10.000 I don't like those guys.

02:23:12.000 So, you know, it's like an X-band.

02:23:14.000 Right, right, right, right.

02:23:15.000 I don't enjoy it.

02:23:16.000 I'm not enjoying this, actually.

02:23:17.000 You're not enjoying this show?

02:23:18.000 Well, no, no, the show is great, but this topic.

02:23:20.000 Okay, we don't have to talk about this.

02:23:21.000 I love Anthony.

02:23:22.000 Anthony's fucking awesome.

02:23:24.000 I think he's a national treasurer.

02:23:25.000 He's such a freak.

02:23:26.000 Great guy, but you know what he has in common with David is 50-year-olds are kind of done.

02:23:32.000 Like, they have their shit that they like.

02:23:34.000 They say David?

02:23:35.000 David Cross.

02:23:36.000 Oh, okay.

02:23:37.000 They have their shit they like, and they're not looking for buddies.

02:23:40.000 And they don't want noogies, and they don't want a wedgie. 1.00

02:23:45.000 I'm a buddy guy.

02:23:46.000 I think you farted and you didn't say safety.

02:23:49.000 I said slut. 0.96

02:23:50.000 I get to slap you.

02:23:52.000 So with Anthony, I'm like, all right, we're part of the network.

02:23:54.000 We're buddies now.

02:23:55.000 Fucking Canadians. 1.00

02:23:57.000 Let's be buddies.

02:23:57.000 And he's like, no, I'm an old dude.

02:23:59.000 I like watching Fox and playing with my cat.

02:24:01.000 So he doesn't like to do anything.

02:24:03.000 He's not as, I don't know.

02:24:07.000 I thought we would become best friends after I joined the network.

02:24:09.000 You were hoping.

02:24:09.000 Yeah.

02:24:10.000 That's what you wanted to join for?

02:24:11.000 You wanted a bestie?

02:24:12.000 Yes.

02:24:13.000 And I did Adam Carolla's show.

02:24:15.000 Same thing.

02:24:15.000 After I was like, all right, so we're getting wiener dogs or what's the deal here?

02:24:18.000 And he's just like, bye, and he walks out of the room.

02:24:20.000 And I'm like, wait a minute.

02:24:21.000 You don't ever get to be bestie.

02:24:22.000 No one gets to be besties with Adam.

02:24:24.000 I know.

02:24:25.000 Adam's got his own little groove going on.

02:24:27.000 He doesn't want to hang.

02:24:28.000 Well, he has 50 different projects going on simultaneously all the time.

02:24:33.000 You know, that guy has TV shows.

02:24:35.000 He's got fucking, who knows how many goddamn podcasts he runs simultaneously.

02:24:39.000 He's always racing cars.

02:24:40.000 He doesn't have any time.

02:24:41.000 No, but 50-year-olds have established that.

02:24:44.000 50 year olds get to a point where they go, "I wanted to have 50 shows and a racing car, I'm good." And they're like, can someone get him out of here?

02:24:55.000 So you really need to make friends at the church.

02:24:59.000 Isn't that part of what's good about church?

02:25:02.000 Every time I've been to church, the people around me are losers.

02:25:05.000 That's weird.

02:25:06.000 I wonder if they think the same way.

02:25:07.000 Old ladies, incredibly obese, hideous people. 1.00

02:25:10.000 Why?

02:25:10.000 Because they're desperate and they're looking for somebody.

02:25:14.000 I mean, that's the reason most comedians are liberal because liberals don't have rules.

02:25:14.000 It's like liberals.

02:25:19.000 They're like, I'll take anything.

02:25:20.000 So all artists, artists are liberal.

02:25:23.000 They don't have rules.

02:25:23.000 What do you mean?

02:25:25.000 Well, think of how liberals and conservatives see painting.

02:25:29.000 Conservatives go, can you draw a hand?

02:25:31.000 Does it look realistic?

02:25:32.000 Liberals are like, put a tampon in a teacup, you get an A-plus.

02:25:36.000 So creative people tend to be left because the left will take you.

02:25:40.000 Robert Maplethorpe.

02:25:41.000 Yeah.

02:25:43.000 So that's hilarious.

02:25:46.000 Well, it confused me for a long time because I thought, why are so many comedians liberal?

02:25:50.000 They're analytical people by nature.

02:25:53.000 They investigate shit, yet they're all pro-Bernie Sanders.

02:25:57.000 He wants to take your money away.

02:25:58.000 Didn't you look up how much money rich people have and what the debt is?

02:26:01.000 I think they're trying to find an alternative to what they think is a broken system, and they don't really investigate it deeply enough to realize that what Bernie Sanders is saying, like financially, doesn't seem to be possible.

02:26:13.000 Like, I don't think I've seen anybody say that the numbers jive.

02:26:18.000 Yeah, but they don't look up the numbers.

02:26:19.000 And like, someone was saying to me about you, they go, he's like a smart, dumb guy.

02:26:24.000 And I go, no, he's a curious guy.

02:26:26.000 And that's what interesting people are.

02:26:28.000 They're curious.

02:26:29.000 And most comedians are curious people.

02:26:32.000 Well, if you're curious, you'll look it up.

02:26:34.000 Does that piss you off?

02:26:36.000 It's weird.

02:26:37.000 Well, maybe it means we talk about elaborate subjects in a blue-collar way.

02:26:37.000 It doesn't make sense.

02:26:42.000 Okay.

02:26:43.000 But I don't get how people can be comedians, which means curious, and not have looked shit up.

02:26:53.000 You could drain Warren Buffett and Bill Gates and all those guys' bank account.

02:26:56.000 It doesn't take a pube out of $18 trillion.

02:26:59.000 How have you not Googled that, you fuckheads?

02:27:02.000 Well, not only does it not take a pube.

02:27:04.000 I think if you tax every single person in this country that makes a million dollars, if you tax them 100%, you don't even come close.

02:27:16.000 Right.

02:27:17.000 Yeah, every single person.

02:27:18.000 Like, you would take all of their money that they make.

02:27:21.000 It doesn't come close.

02:27:22.000 This is why I don't like arguing with liberals, and I prefer focusing on my disagreements with people on the right, because at least they've done their fucking homework.

02:27:30.000 Well, I just say I don't like rigid ideologies.

02:27:33.000 Like I said, I don't like the idea of a liberal or a conservative.

02:27:36.000 I think people lock themselves into these ideas, and then, this is as, like I said about my friend who is a Democrat, like, we've got to win.

02:27:43.000 If we win the Senate, like, what are you saying?

02:27:46.000 Like, what's this we?

02:27:48.000 You are in, you know, you're rooting for the Raiders.

02:27:51.000 You know, it really is what it is.

02:27:51.000 Right.

02:27:53.000 But if you say to a conservative, we're a nation of immigrants or something like that, some sort of cliche thing.

02:27:59.000 They've already heard it so many times.

02:28:00.000 They go, actually, we're a nation of citizens.

02:28:04.000 And the borders were open in 65.

02:28:06.000 Well, listen to what you just said.

02:28:07.000 If you say that to a liberal, it's this.

02:28:09.000 If you say that to a conservative, they do this.

02:28:11.000 That's not my experience.

02:28:12.000 With the left, they say things like, well, like you and Greg, you go, teachers don't make enough.

02:28:18.000 You hadn't looked up how much teachers make.

02:28:20.000 They don't make enough.

02:28:20.000 It's still not enough money.

02:28:22.000 60 bucks an hour isn't enough money?

02:28:23.000 I think we agree that it should be private because I think that when you have things private and you can make people fired and you give contracts to companies that are competitive, you get a better product.

02:28:34.000 Because I think capitalism does work in a lot of ways.

02:28:36.000 Charter schools are great.

02:28:37.000 And charter school teachers make less than public school teachers.

02:28:41.000 And they're kicking ass.

02:28:42.000 And they get fucking three months off a year.

02:28:45.000 They go home at 320.

02:28:47.000 You know how bored you'd be if you worked that little?

02:28:50.000 I would be, I would, look, if I got off work at 320, that would mean I'd have to go there at 7.

02:28:55.000 I'd be fucking tired.

02:28:57.000 And I would be looking for a nap.

02:28:59.000 Easiest job in the world.

02:29:00.000 But my point is that I find with the left, when I bring up shit, they have never looked it up.

02:29:04.000 Like you say to them, how many legals are in the country?

02:29:06.000 They have no idea.

02:29:07.000 You say, education needs more funding.

02:29:09.000 How much does each student get as far as how much we spend and what goes to them?

02:29:13.000 The answer is about 12 grand, about 1,000 bucks a month.

02:29:15.000 They never have any idea.

02:29:16.000 They always say, it's not enough, whatever it is.

02:29:19.000 Or with immigration, I go, how many immigrants can we take in?

02:29:21.000 And they go, more than we have now.

02:29:23.000 And you go, there's 30 million.

02:29:24.000 What's a good number?

02:29:25.000 100 million?

02:29:26.000 And they go, more.

02:29:27.000 And I'm like, you fucking hate math.

02:29:31.000 That's why you're a liberal.

02:29:33.000 You just like the idea.

02:29:34.000 You're basically a woman. 1.00

02:29:35.000 You like, I'm not saying you, I mean liberals in general.

02:29:37.000 They just like the sentimentality, like, this, we're immigrants.

02:29:41.000 By nice to Mexicans.

02:29:42.000 Am I a liberal?

02:29:43.000 No, I don't think so.

02:29:45.000 What am I?

02:29:46.000 I think you're mostly a libertarian.

02:29:48.000 Yeah, I would probably say that.

02:29:50.000 I'm a libertarian for everything but open borders.

02:29:53.000 I don't understand why they want open borders.

02:29:55.000 Well, because we feel like the people in the other countries got a shitty deal.

02:30:00.000 They got a bad roll of the dice, and they're stuck in this really roll the dice.

02:30:04.000 Evolution is a roll of the dice?

02:30:06.000 Evolution for Mexico? 0.97

02:30:08.000 Mexico sucks because of Mexicans. 1.00

02:30:11.000 What have they contributed to society in the past 100 years?

02:30:14.000 Goritos?

02:30:15.000 That's what Vincente Fox said when he was challenged.

02:30:19.000 They said he said, give us a Mexican innovation from the past 100 years.

02:30:22.000 And he goes, the taco.

02:30:24.000 Delicious food.

02:30:25.000 He's got a point.

02:30:26.000 Yes, it is.

02:30:27.000 about sombreros.

02:30:27.000 I've noticed in California when I bring up Mexicans, people get uncomfortable I like food.

02:30:33.000 I love Mexicans.

02:30:34.000 And the Mexicans we have, by the way, are the funny ones.

02:30:38.000 Northern Mexico, you know, different regions have their different things.

02:30:41.000 Like in Britain, the Scots are known as funny.

02:30:43.000 For some reason, northerners are always funnier.

02:30:45.000 Maybe it's colder.

02:30:46.000 Yeah, they have to have a sense of humor because it's fucking freezing.

02:30:49.000 Yeah.

02:30:49.000 So we get the best as far as cool guys to hang out with.

02:30:53.000 And I love, my movie, How to Be a Man, did incredibly well with Hispanics.

02:30:57.000 More than Hispanic. 0.97

02:30:58.000 What movie is this?

02:30:58.000 What is it?

02:30:59.000 I'm not even aware of this.

02:31:00.000 Oh, I did a movie called How to Be a Man.

02:31:01.000 What was it?

02:31:02.000 It was a comedy about a guy who's dying.

02:31:04.000 A fiction?

02:31:05.000 And he's recording videos for his unborn son.

02:31:05.000 Yes.

02:31:08.000 So after he dies, the kid can watch the videos and learn from that, which we stole from a Michael Keaton movie, which we mentioned in the film several times.

02:31:18.000 And I just assumed it would do well with hipsters.

02:31:20.000 Then we got the demo back, and it was like all Hispanics because they're the only ones into how to be a man. 1.00

02:31:24.000 Most millennials think it's a bad thing to be a man.

02:31:29.000 But anyway, so I love Mexicans.

02:31:31.000 Right.

02:31:32.000 We just don't want them coming over here.

02:31:34.000 The way we have immigration work now is a fucking disgusting thing. 1.00

02:31:37.000 Isn't that funny you say that?

02:31:38.000 Because you're an immigrant. 0.99

02:31:39.000 Yeah, I took 10 years, 10,000 bucks, brought a heapload of jobs, and I got punished for it.

02:31:46.000 How'd you get punished?

02:31:48.000 I was charged 10 grand.

02:31:49.000 It took me 10 years.

02:31:50.000 But that doesn't seem like punishment.

02:31:51.000 That seems like my fucking citizenship.

02:31:54.000 I'm another $650 away and a bullshit test about what color is the flag.

02:31:58.000 Why do you want to be an American citizen?

02:32:00.000 You don't want to be a citizen of your nation?

02:32:01.000 Because right now, if I drunk drive or do something bad, it could fuck up my green card and shit like that.

02:32:07.000 Oh, so you want to be able to drunk drive?

02:32:09.000 So that's why you want an American citizenship?

02:32:11.000 That's not why, but I do thoroughly enjoy drunk driving.

02:32:15.000 Yeah.

02:32:16.000 Do you drive drunk?

02:32:17.000 No.

02:32:18.000 It's the best.

02:32:19.000 It's like playing a video game.

02:32:20.000 Oh, come on, man.

02:32:22.000 I don't mean blackout, but seven beers?

02:32:25.000 That's a fun little drive.

02:32:26.000 God damn, dude, that's really drunk.

02:32:28.000 Like, your fucking reaction time's terrible.

02:32:31.000 If something happens, you could slam right into things.

02:32:33.000 Drunk driving is a myth.

02:32:33.000 No.

02:32:35.000 Wow.

02:32:35.000 What do you mean it's a myth?

02:32:37.000 What does that mean?

02:32:38.000 I mean the world wouldn't be better if the world wouldn't change if it was made legal.

02:32:47.000 People would not.

02:32:48.000 People don't jeopardize their own safety.

02:32:51.000 You know, in America, in New York, sorry, it's illegal to drive after two beers.

02:32:56.000 You shouldn't be commanding a vehicle if you can't handle it on two beers.

02:33:00.000 And I'm on two beers right now.

02:33:01.000 Yeah, it's 08 or 09.09.

02:33:05.000 Yeah.

02:33:06.000 Well, that I think is low, but I think that's also a revenue collecting device.

02:33:10.000 Totally.

02:33:11.000 It's like recycling.

02:33:12.000 I think if you could do a test of people's coordination after two beers, you would find it's really not much different than being sober.

02:33:20.000 But seven beers, big fucking difference.

02:33:22.000 Driving is simple.

02:33:23.000 Think of how.

02:33:24.000 Driving is not simple if something goes wrong and you have to make a split-second decision and your reaction time is fucked up so a collision occurs that wouldn't have occurred if you weren't drunk.

02:33:33.000 That's where it becomes a problem.

02:33:34.000 You sound super anti-drunk driving.

02:33:36.000 Well, if the shit hits the fan.

02:33:37.000 If the shit hits the fan, you can't keep it together.

02:33:40.000 If something happens in front of you, you have to slam on your brakes.

02:33:44.000 A deer?

02:33:44.000 A person.

02:33:45.000 Someone makes a mistake.

02:33:46.000 Someone goes into your lane.

02:33:48.000 You could cause a collision because you're drunk where you would have avoided it if you were sober.

02:33:52.000 That's a fact.

02:33:53.000 People are jumping out on the highway now.

02:33:55.000 I don't understand this scenario.

02:33:56.000 Cars making a mistake.

02:33:57.000 Someone coming in, you come in your lane.

02:33:59.000 Oh, you bonked.

02:34:00.000 No, you don't bonk.

02:34:01.000 You collide and people die.

02:34:03.000 It happens all the time.

02:34:04.000 Car accidents on the highway are fucking deadly.

02:34:06.000 People happen all the time.

02:34:08.000 You can accidentally, like Caitlin Jenner did, push someone into fucking traffic and they get hit.

02:34:12.000 Texting is way more dangerous than texting.

02:34:15.000 He was spaced out.

02:34:16.000 She was texting.

02:34:17.000 He was he then.

02:34:17.000 Was he he or she then?

02:34:18.000 Why did he say, I think he already had fake tits. 1.00

02:34:20.000 But he was, or at least.

02:34:24.000 He had a sweatshirt on.

02:34:25.000 He was like a lazy face, though.

02:34:27.000 That big face, the big man face before he turned his face.

02:34:30.000 He was texting.

02:34:30.000 I can't remember where I saw him.

02:34:31.000 I don't think he was.

02:34:32.000 I don't think that's ever been proven.

02:34:33.000 I think that was part of the investigation.

02:34:36.000 It's got to be my main platform when I run for president.

02:34:38.000 But I think drunk driving is not an issue.

02:34:41.000 I thoroughly enjoy it.

02:34:43.000 Roger Avery killed somebody drunk driving.

02:34:45.000 Okay.

02:34:46.000 The guy who wrote pulp fiction with Quentin Tarantino.

02:34:48.000 There's hundreds of right now.

02:34:50.000 Think of how many cars are going opposite directions.

02:34:53.000 And we only have, what, 40,000 deaths a year?

02:34:53.000 Right?

02:34:56.000 But don't you think that people are less likely to drunk drive because they're terrified of losing their license?

02:35:01.000 They're terrified.

02:35:02.000 Yeah, so they do it less.

02:35:03.000 Yeah, so they have less fun.

02:35:04.000 That's why LA is fun.

02:35:06.000 LA is not fun.

02:35:07.000 Because people don't drink here.

02:35:08.000 I have a hard time talking to you because I don't know when you're fucking around and when you're being.

02:35:12.000 Definitely serious.

02:35:13.000 LA sucks. 0.97

02:35:14.000 I fucking hate this city with a passion.

02:35:16.000 You're doing it.

02:35:16.000 No one is fun here.

02:35:18.000 Silly.

02:35:19.000 Bars don't open at any given time, and everyone's petrified of drunk driving, so they don't even drink when they go out.

02:35:24.000 No, they do drink.

02:35:24.000 People go.

02:35:25.000 They get Ubers.

02:35:26.000 Ubers are everywhere.

02:35:27.000 Uber's recent.

02:35:28.000 Yeah, but that's what they do now.

02:35:29.000 Okay, well, I can't wait to post Uber in LA.

02:35:33.000 I'm talking about Uber.

02:35:34.000 We're going back like three years now.

02:35:36.000 I'm talking about LA since I've been coming here, which is.

02:35:39.000 Two.

02:35:39.000 It's like the Uber thing is like one and a half, maybe.

02:35:41.000 Like where really people adopted it.

02:35:43.000 Maybe LA is getting better since Uber, but the LA I know is fucking shittily dressed, squares. 1.00

02:35:50.000 Don't you?

02:35:50.000 What about you?

02:35:51.000 I'm incredibly well dressed.

02:35:51.000 You're goofy.

02:35:53.000 You think that's a good tie?

02:35:54.000 Yeah.

02:35:54.000 I'll kill you with that tie.

02:35:56.000 That's probably the problem with that tie.

02:35:59.000 You and I got an altercation.

02:36:02.000 If you die, got an altercation.

02:36:04.000 I'll kill you with that tie. 0.74

02:36:05.000 Do you know that?

02:36:06.000 It's not good for combat.

02:36:07.000 It's not a good combat.

02:36:08.000 It's terrible.

02:36:09.000 But it's a leash.

02:36:10.000 You have a leash around your neck, and I control you with that tie.

02:36:12.000 But I'm not wearing it into the cage match.

02:36:14.000 I get my hands underneath that thing, and I twist.

02:36:16.000 So you're getting defended because I'm criticizing your town.

02:36:19.000 No, I'm not.

02:36:20.000 It's not.

02:36:20.000 You can go well.

02:36:21.000 I just live here.

02:36:22.000 You must go to New York and go, holy fuck.

02:36:24.000 No, that's ridiculous.

02:36:24.000 What is this?

02:36:25.000 Disneyland fun?

02:36:26.000 I don't think it's a good idea to have that many people jammed into a place, whether it's here or there.

02:36:30.000 I don't like it.

02:36:30.000 I definitely don't have that problem here.

02:36:32.000 I like it.

02:36:33.000 Person, sidewalk, empty cup, fucking tumbleweed. 0.99

02:36:38.000 Person, fucking, abandoned carpet.

02:36:41.000 Look at palm trees.

02:36:42.000 They're not even wood.

02:36:43.000 That's not a tree.

02:36:44.000 No, it's not.

02:36:45.000 It's a plant.

02:36:45.000 It's a disgusting, hideous plant.

02:36:47.000 Why is it not a tree?

02:36:48.000 Why is it not a tree?

02:36:49.000 You can't get wood from it.

02:36:50.000 That's right.

02:36:51.000 It's got dead leaves hanging off it.

02:36:53.000 You go to like a carpet store in West Hollywood and you go, oh, this must be abandoned.

02:36:59.000 The paint is chipping off.

02:37:00.000 No one likes this place.

02:37:01.000 No, it's open.

02:37:02.000 It's actually super expensive.

02:37:03.000 Yeah, but in New York you can't get it.

02:37:04.000 You don't even park your fucking car.

02:37:06.000 They have these subway cars.

02:37:08.000 You take the subway.

02:37:10.000 I am an American and I enjoy automobiles.

02:37:13.000 Then take the carpet when you go out to the country to hunt. 0.99

02:37:15.000 You're only fucking 30 minutes from awesome forests and fucking shooting bears.

02:37:20.000 You mean over there?

02:37:22.000 Well, I shot an elk an hour and a half away from here.

02:37:22.000 Up there.

02:37:26.000 Okay.

02:37:26.000 Well, that's pretty much Earth.

02:37:28.000 Earth?

02:37:29.000 An hour and a half away from elk?

02:37:32.000 I mean, maybe not Europe, but as far as where you would want to hunt, you're usually an hour and a half away from nature.

02:37:40.000 Do you honestly not think LA sucks?

02:37:42.000 No, I don't think LA is ideal, but I think LA has a lot of great things.

02:37:46.000 I think the real problem is overpopulation.

02:37:48.000 I think whenever you have too many, you know, all the trends, San Diego, man, I worked in San Diego last night, and we drove down to San Diego.

02:37:55.000 We had to leave at 12.30, and it only took us three hours to get there, which is pretty good.

02:38:02.000 I mean, it's really a two-hour drive with an hour of traffic.

02:38:05.000 That's not bad.

02:38:06.000 But the last hour was all San Diego traffic, and I was like, wow, this is crazy different than it used to be a few years ago.

02:38:13.000 It's gotten a lot worse in the world.

02:38:14.000 San Diego fucking reeks.

02:38:17.000 I don't mean stinks literally, but figuratively reeks way worse than L.A. and a lot of bums, man. 1.00

02:38:22.000 I think skateboarding is illegal there.

02:38:25.000 That's how shitty it is.

02:38:26.000 Well, it's a very conservative city.

02:38:27.000 Yeah.

02:38:28.000 Parents love it there, and it's like they're telling me that they suck black guys' dicks on the weekends.

02:38:28.000 San Diego's family.

02:38:32.000 Like, I go, what?

02:38:33.000 It's a conservative town.

02:38:35.000 You know, it's a lot of military people, a lot of bait.

02:38:38.000 You know, it's the bases there.

02:38:40.000 Here's the best cities in the world.

02:38:41.000 Utrecht?

02:38:43.000 It's near Amsterdam.

02:38:43.000 What's that?

02:38:44.000 It's like Amsterdam without the jocks.

02:38:46.000 Oh, okay.

02:38:48.000 Barcelona.

02:38:49.000 I heard Barcelona's pretty awesome.

02:38:51.000 My friend Chris Ryan just moving back there.

02:38:54.000 Paris.

02:38:55.000 New York City.

02:38:56.000 Montreal.

02:38:58.000 So when you're in New York City, do you take cabs?

02:39:00.000 Do you do the subway everywhere?

02:39:02.000 Everyway, everywhere.

02:39:03.000 Yeah.

02:39:04.000 Now, full disclosure, you say you don't know when I'm kidding when I'm serious.

02:39:08.000 I'm kind of being pre-2015 Gav.

02:39:14.000 At 45 with three kids, New York's been there 15 years.

02:39:18.000 To be totally honest, this kills my argument, but it is wearing on me a little bit.

02:39:23.000 I appreciate your honesty.

02:39:25.000 I mean, I don't think there's a reason to have blind allegiance towards a particular spot on the ground.

02:39:30.000 I did for a long time, but I'm drinking two rats at once regularly.

02:39:34.000 Fucking saying no to, I'm done with the city, to be honest.

02:39:36.000 Did you see the video of the rat killing the pigeon?

02:39:39.000 Oh, Anthony had that on his show, yeah.

02:39:40.000 Isn't that amazing?

02:39:41.000 Unfucking.

02:39:42.000 Fucking no, they hunted.

02:39:43.000 I had no idea rats hunted.

02:39:45.000 Rats hunted this pigeon and jacked him.

02:39:48.000 I mean, it's like fit his neck.

02:39:50.000 Yeah, and chased him, like lost him for a bit, and then had to chase him and got him again.

02:39:54.000 Like, it was crazy.

02:39:56.000 Moms everywhere.

02:39:57.000 And you know what drives me nuts about New York?

02:40:00.000 Sorry, pre-2015, Gav.

02:40:03.000 These fucking kids dancing on the subway for money, and they're swinging around the poles. 0.93

02:40:09.000 Do you know about this?

02:40:10.000 No.

02:40:11.000 They fucking.

02:40:12.000 So like you get on the subway.

02:40:14.000 Get on the subway.

02:40:15.000 I'm about to do a show.

02:40:16.000 Yep.

02:40:19.000 And they get out.

02:40:19.000 And the shit they're doing isn't impressive.

02:40:22.000 They're swinging around a pole on the train and you go, that's a stripper pole, Faggot. 1.00

02:40:27.000 You're not as good as the strippers I usually see. 1.00

02:40:31.000 You're a loser.

02:40:33.000 And then they'll do shit like they'll, so they'll go upside down and slide down it slowly.

02:40:37.000 And you can see the people who just moved here going, oh my God.

02:40:39.000 And I go, go to a strip club, and you'll see way better shit than that. 0.99

02:40:42.000 And then they do this thing with their hat, where they flip it and plop it on their head like that's hard.

02:40:46.000 Right.

02:40:47.000 Like if we were drinking outside, no, a baseball hat, or they'll touch in their teeth and flip it on their head.

02:40:53.000 If we were drinking at an outside bar and you did that, I would go, oh, land on your head. 0.99

02:40:59.000 Yeah, it would be annoying.

02:41:01.000 It is annoying.

02:41:02.000 It's fucking annoying.

02:41:03.000 I didn't know that that was going on.

02:41:04.000 Yeah, it's a thing.

02:41:05.000 Most people don't know this.

02:41:07.000 You're educating a lot of folks right now.

02:41:08.000 They will kick you in the head, too.

02:41:10.000 Really?

02:41:11.000 Well, by accident, yeah.

02:41:12.000 Oh, when they're spinning around.

02:41:13.000 Old New Yorkers go, those fucking guys start near me and they fucking touch me, they're all going down. 1.00

02:41:18.000 Wow.

02:41:19.000 And it's like seven-year-old New Yorker impression.

02:41:22.000 It's an old school Irish Hell's Kitchen guy. 0.50

02:41:24.000 Hell's Kitchen, yeah.

02:41:25.000 That's the nights I'm in.

02:41:26.000 And those guys are fucking.

02:41:28.000 Because when they say shit like that, I go, yeah, but then you're in the New York Post in that little sliver that says, man in subway stabbed to death after altercation.

02:41:37.000 Well, how much violence does go on on subways?

02:41:39.000 Because you always hear about the bad incidents, but every day, millions of people are going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

02:41:45.000 It's not crime in New York.

02:41:47.000 There's a murder a day, all East New York.

02:41:50.000 All Bushwick, blood scripts.

02:41:52.000 Most of the gangs are in the state.

02:41:53.000 One a day on average.

02:41:53.000 Only one a day?

02:41:54.000 That's not that much.

02:41:55.000 A little more.

02:41:56.000 Maybe 400 a year, but yeah.

02:41:57.000 Well, West Hollywood only had one murder this whole year.

02:42:00.000 Happened at the comedy store a couple nights ago.

02:42:02.000 No way.

02:42:03.000 Yeah.

02:42:04.000 Who was it, Don Barris?

02:42:06.000 He killed.

02:42:07.000 He killed on stage.

02:42:08.000 No, there was a guy who apparently wasn't even a comic, and he was out on the patio, and someone walked up to him and shot him six times in front of everybody.

02:42:17.000 Yeah.

02:42:18.000 Maybe a brutal debt.

02:42:21.000 They think it was gang-related.

02:42:23.000 It's all speculation.

02:42:25.000 Yeah.

02:42:25.000 And they had a black comedy night, urban in quotes, urban comedy night.

02:42:30.000 And they'd had some issues with gang members there before, allegedly.

02:42:34.000 Oh, he probably made fun of a dude.

02:42:36.000 I don't think so.

02:42:36.000 He wasn't a comic.

02:42:37.000 Oh, fuck.

02:42:38.000 Yeah.

02:42:38.000 They think he just was a guy that they knew he was going to be there.

02:42:41.000 Oh, so it's just Compton culture visiting West Hollywood and us seeing what they go through every day. 0.95

02:42:48.000 Yeah.

02:42:48.000 Probably.

02:42:49.000 Something along those lines.

02:42:50.000 But I found it amazing that that was the only murder in Hollywood for a year.

02:42:55.000 Wasn't it all gays in Hollywood, West Hollywood? 0.96

02:42:58.000 That area, like below that, is very gay. 0.98

02:43:01.000 Not all gays, but a lot of straight people move to those areas because they're super safe.

02:43:05.000 Because where the gays live, it's like they take care of everything. 1.00

02:43:08.000 Well, gays are happy because they get laid a lot. 1.00

02:43:10.000 That makes a big difference.

02:43:12.000 See, that kills your argument about gays having a problem.

02:43:17.000 It's good.

02:43:19.000 I think gay marriage is a tiny contingent of bitchy gays. 1.00

02:43:23.000 Most gays don't give a fuck.

02:43:25.000 Now, what we never figured out.

02:43:28.000 What did Marin get upset with?

02:43:30.000 It was after the show.

02:43:31.000 He said the problem with education is systemic.

02:43:34.000 Right.

02:43:35.000 A word I hate more than the word batshit crazy.

02:43:37.000 You don't hate.

02:43:38.000 I hate the word bat shit.

02:43:39.000 What the fuck does that mean?

02:43:40.000 Well, bat shit is really dangerous.

02:43:42.000 Guano?

02:43:43.000 Oh, I never knew that.

02:43:44.000 Yeah, there's a funny story.

02:43:45.000 You're making me hate the word less.

02:43:47.000 There was these scientists, and there's a particular cave in Africa.

02:43:51.000 And so they had set up to make this video of these bats coming out of the cave because millions and millions of bats on a nightly basis come out of this cave.

02:44:00.000 So they set up the cameras.

02:44:03.000 What they didn't anticipate is that these bats, when they come out of the cave, they release their bowels instantly.

02:44:10.000 So they were literally covered in bat shit.

02:44:13.000 Like swarms and millions and millions of bats shitting all over them.

02:44:18.000 And they develop these hemorrhagic viruses, these horrible diseases, bleeding from their eyes.

02:44:25.000 Just horrific.

02:44:26.000 And they were dead within a week.

02:44:28.000 And they don't know what the fuck killed them.

02:44:30.000 And they had to continue to get away from it.

02:44:31.000 I don't hate that shit crazy anymore.

02:44:33.000 Thank you for that.

02:44:33.000 Yeah.

02:44:34.000 That shit is dangerous.

02:44:35.000 Yeah, go ahead.

02:44:35.000 Can I piss again?

02:44:36.000 We're going to wrap this up soon anyway.

02:44:36.000 Go ahead.

02:44:38.000 As soon as you come back.

02:44:40.000 Do a read for FanDuel or something.

02:44:41.000 No, I don't do reads during the show.

02:44:44.000 It's falling apart.

02:44:45.000 A little bit.

02:44:46.000 Falling apart with his bladder.

02:44:49.000 I'll show you now.

02:44:52.000 He's a little off on the teacher wages.

02:44:54.000 Let's see what it is.

02:44:54.000 Okay.

02:44:55.000 Of course he is.

02:44:57.000 Closer to $15 to $20 average.

02:44:59.000 This is a U.S. average.

02:45:01.000 Okay.

02:45:01.000 Oh, there you go.

02:45:03.000 Yeah.

02:45:04.000 Median hourly rate by job.

02:45:06.000 Yeah, I didn't believe that.

02:45:07.000 $60 an hour.

02:45:08.000 That seems kind of silly.

02:45:11.000 It's really interesting because he's a very smart guy.

02:45:14.000 But it's almost like he's purposely sabotaging real intellectual debate.

02:45:21.000 That's kind of why I said Fox News earlier.

02:45:22.000 It's just like they're making points to make a point and then they want to argue the point.

02:45:26.000 Well, he gets into it and then he sabotages it with humor.

02:45:29.000 Like he fucks it up.

02:45:30.000 It's almost like there's a strategic use of the word faggot. 0.99

02:45:33.000 Hey, look at the actual statistics for how much teachers get paid.

02:45:37.000 It's a lot less.

02:45:39.000 $11 for a substitute teacher, $14 for preschool, elementary school, $15 an hour.

02:45:46.000 High school, $20 an hour.

02:45:47.000 Imagine getting $20.

02:45:48.000 That's the highest rate they get, by the way.

02:45:50.000 But imagine getting $20.

02:45:52.000 I don't just fart stats out of my ass.

02:45:54.000 I've looked this up.

02:45:55.000 Well, have a seat so we can hear you on the microphone.

02:45:59.000 Okay, get a beer.

02:46:02.000 What is the source?

02:46:05.000 Payscale.com.

02:46:06.000 Keep it up there.

02:46:09.000 Where are they getting this from?

02:46:11.000 Payscale.com.

02:46:14.000 1,200 people from all over the United States.

02:46:15.000 You'll get totally different numbers.

02:46:17.000 The teachers' lobby is the most powerful union in the world.

02:46:22.000 They fund both sides on Capitol Hill.

02:46:25.000 So it's a conspiracy?

02:46:27.000 This is like black helicopters, and 9-11 was an inside job, and then teachers were really getting millions of dollars.

02:46:32.000 They act like the mafia.

02:46:34.000 Like, you will get your windows smashed when you fuck with the, what do they call it? 0.97

02:46:39.000 The NEA?

02:46:40.000 So you guys, anyway, back to the Mark Maron thing, you guys had a problem with the word systemic and bat crazy.

02:46:45.000 Sorry, bat shit crazy.

02:46:46.000 So he said there's not just one thing.

02:46:49.000 Right.

02:46:49.000 I agree with him in that sense.

02:46:51.000 I go, yes, there is just one thing.

02:46:53.000 And what is that one thing?

02:46:54.000 Make it possible to fire a fucking public school teacher. 0.98

02:46:56.000 That would help.

02:46:57.000 That would certainly help.

02:46:58.000 And that happens in Harlem with charter schools.

02:46:58.000 It helps the end.

02:47:01.000 They can get fired.

02:47:02.000 And Harlem's doing awesome with that just one little thing.

02:47:04.000 But what did he get upset about?

02:47:06.000 It was the transphobia.

02:47:07.000 Well, I'm guessing that that's why he didn't like the show.

02:47:09.000 Oh, just that?

02:47:10.000 As far as verifiable, it was in the tank, the show, and then when my transphobia controversy exploded.

02:47:17.000 Because you wrote that article.

02:47:19.000 His people, whatever, said, we're not airing this show because judging by your views on trans people, the interview is now incomplete.

02:47:31.000 Hmm.

02:47:32.000 So I guess it was like saying, we interviewed the head of the KKK about fruits and vegetables, and then found out later he's the head of the KKK.

02:47:38.000 This would look stupid to put out talking about food the whole time.

02:47:42.000 Or say I shot the president after.

02:47:43.000 You'd go, wait a minute, we talked to the guy who killed the president and we didn't mention shooting the president.

02:47:47.000 So because of the fact that your article came out after the interview, he couldn't just release the interview because it didn't discuss this very important topic.

02:47:54.000 That's his side, yes.

02:47:55.000 That seems like it's not that important a topic except to those people or if you're talking about that subject.

02:48:02.000 I don't think that the subject of transgender people is like an integral part of who you are.

02:48:07.000 Or call me.

02:48:09.000 Or have your people call me.

02:48:11.000 And I'm in LA all the time.

02:48:12.000 Yeah, do an addent.

02:48:13.000 Say, update.

02:48:14.000 Right.

02:48:15.000 Or say, hey, I didn't know you were this weird.

02:48:17.000 You don't think it's cool to cut your cock off?

02:48:20.000 Let's discuss.

02:48:22.000 But do you not think it's cool?

02:48:23.000 Do you think people should be able to do whatever they want?

02:48:26.000 Yes, but we're getting back to this gay marriage thing. 0.84

02:48:29.000 When you normalize the transgendered, we end up in a situation where kids are taking hormone blockers to prevent puberty. 1.00

02:48:36.000 We're clapping like fucking losers when a little boy, a little gay boy, gets female estrogen. 0.99

02:48:41.000 But when should it be okay?

02:48:43.000 Like with Bailey Jay.

02:48:44.000 You look at Bailey J, doesn't she look like that's like? 0.98

02:48:46.000 Bailey Jay is a mentally ill gay man. 0.93

02:48:48.000 A mentally ill gay man. 1.00

02:48:50.000 Whom I like.

02:48:51.000 Uh-huh.

02:48:52.000 Great guy.

02:48:53.000 What's mentally ill? 0.95

02:48:55.000 He doesn't think he's a man.

02:48:57.000 That's a gender dysphoria that is documented as a mental disorder.

02:49:04.000 The thing I like about him is he can cut his tits off when he realizes what's going on and be normal.

02:49:08.000 There's no old Bailey J, you realize.

02:49:10.000 There's no like, I am Bailey Jay.

02:49:12.000 I've been gardening all day or my night and shining all.

02:49:16.000 No, they don't.

02:49:17.000 What do they do?

02:49:17.000 They ice themselves.

02:49:18.000 They commit suicide.

02:49:19.000 They fucking go back, become a mess head, and they get stabbed in a bad drug deal. 0.78

02:49:25.000 Is that they remove some of our money?

02:49:27.000 Just be a fag. 1.00

02:49:28.000 It's almost like.

02:49:29.000 But they want to be a woman. 1.00

02:49:31.000 You can't be a woman. 1.00

02:49:32.000 You can't be a bat.

02:49:33.000 You can't be a giraffe.

02:49:34.000 Becoming a woman is not something you get off a shelf. 1.00

02:49:37.000 What's the matter with homosexuals? 1.00

02:49:39.000 But they don't want to be homosexual. 0.97

02:49:41.000 Like a lot of them, like Katie, he's a perfect example.

02:49:43.000 The one that we were talking about, the MMA fighter, she's now a lesbian. 1.00

02:49:47.000 She still likes women. 1.00

02:49:48.000 Like she was a man for 30 years and then became a woman who still likes women.

02:49:54.000 She is a wildly mentally disturbed gay. 1.00

02:49:59.000 Wait, straight.

02:50:00.000 Straight.

02:50:01.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:50:01.000 Yeah.

02:50:02.000 She's a fucking crazy straight dude. 1.00

02:50:03.000 He's a crazy man.

02:50:08.000 And that's a great example.

02:50:09.000 I'm glad you brought that up because you're saying, what's your problem?

02:50:11.000 Why do you hate all this shit?

02:50:12.000 And I go, obviously, I don't fucking care.

02:50:15.000 Like, if you're on a mountain and you do something to yourself, you can cut your face off.

02:50:18.000 There was just a woman in the news. 0.98

02:50:20.000 She decided she wanted to be blind.

02:50:22.000 And she had a physician put shit in her chemicals in her eyes. 1.00

02:50:24.000 She's blind. 0.98

02:50:25.000 Fucking insane.

02:50:26.000 I don't want to make that illegal, but I want to also say, let's not normalize this because someone who is kind of dumb and crazy and thinks they want to be blind, now you've made it okay.

02:50:36.000 So the MMA fight is a perfect example of the problem with this whole live and let live thing because now we have a dude with tits and a fake cunt kicking the shit out of chicks. 1.00

02:50:48.000 Well, there was a really funny time where this guy was, when Rachel Doazell came out as transracial, this guy was supporting transracial, and he was right, but he was joking. 0.92

02:50:58.000 He was trolling.

02:51:00.000 And there were so many people that were arguing back and forth on his Twitter page.

02:51:03.000 He's a comic, I guess, from England.

02:51:05.000 And, you know, he was calling it wrong skin, hashtag wrong skin.

02:51:10.000 But it was hilarious to watch these semantics arguments.

02:51:14.000 Here's one that you'll find funny.

02:51:15.000 I got in an argument with someone about the MMA thing and about the woman who was a man for 30 years that became a woman.

02:51:23.000 And she said, she was always a woman.

02:51:25.000 And I said, really?

02:51:26.000 I said, even when she was a man having sex with another woman and making a baby. 0.94

02:51:32.000 And she said, even then.

02:51:34.000 I'm like, that's adorable.

02:51:34.000 Yeah, I said that.

02:51:36.000 I said that about Caitlin Jenner.

02:51:38.000 So that means Chris Jenner was raped.

02:51:41.000 Because she thought she was having sex with a man.

02:51:44.000 Right.

02:51:44.000 Deception.

02:51:44.000 And it was a woman.

02:51:45.000 Deception.

02:51:46.000 So that's a crime, I assume.

02:51:48.000 It is in New Jersey.

02:51:49.000 Especially in the definition of rape today where if you regret it, it's rape.

02:51:52.000 And if you look at him funny after it's over, like that was bullshit.

02:51:52.000 Yes.

02:51:56.000 That's rape. 1.00

02:51:57.000 God, if regretting sex was rape, I would be doing 10 life sentences.

02:52:00.000 Well, you know the whole thing that's going on with drinking, where the man always gets accused of rape if two people are drinking together.

02:52:06.000 Right.

02:52:07.000 If the woman is drunk... 1.00

02:52:15.000 But if a woman is drunk and she has sex with a man, apparently she cannot consent.

02:52:19.000 That's another great example of what we're talking about, because in the MMA situation, you lied and said women are men, and now you have a man beating a shit.

02:52:26.000 Well, she didn't lie. 0.97

02:52:27.000 She didn't disclose the fact that she used to be a man.

02:52:31.000 That's how she looked at it.

02:52:32.000 She said it's a medical condition.

02:52:33.000 So you're talking about it.

02:52:33.000 Exactly.

02:52:34.000 So for the first day, you fucking got a chick beaten up. 1.00

02:52:36.000 And then with the drinking thing, you go, wait a minute.

02:52:39.000 So all drunk sex is rape.

02:52:41.000 Now we have, like, there was a woman who was kicked off a flight for joining the Mile High Club.

02:52:46.000 Really?

02:52:47.000 Yeah, because she was belligerent and she was fucking some dude in the bathroom and screaming, oh, oh, oh, like wasted. 1.00

02:52:53.000 My kind of girl.

02:52:54.000 And then she gets in a fight with the staff, the stewards or whatever they're called these days, the waitresses in the sky. 1.00

02:53:01.000 And she gets arrested because she was fistfighting them and screaming. 1.00

02:53:06.000 And you go, well, wait a minute.

02:53:08.000 You were raped.

02:53:09.000 You were drunk.

02:53:10.000 You were drunk.

02:53:11.000 You were drunk having sex, so you should be charging that guy.

02:53:14.000 And when you reinvent the system and change all the definitions, you have to take into account the victims here.

02:53:21.000 Like, well, they've kind of abandoned the alcohol thing outside of colleges.

02:53:26.000 Feminists were pushing that for a few years ago. 1.00

02:53:29.000 They were trying to push it nationwide, but then it became preposterous because you realize everyone's a fucking rapist because the whole country is filled with rapists because socially people drink and that's how they wind up fucking.

02:53:39.000 So the people under the influence that were having sex, it's like 80%.

02:53:43.000 It's something.

02:53:44.000 It's something nuts.

02:53:45.000 That's why we're here.

02:53:45.000 I mean, I wouldn't be alive if drunk sex was rape or illegal.

02:53:50.000 But when you do all this shit and you reboot the system, what you're actually doing is trivializing reality.

02:53:56.000 And if you say drunk sex is rape, some fucking woman who was raped at knife point by a guy in a ski mask is now your peer.

02:54:04.000 You've just trivialized that.

02:54:05.000 And when you say Rachel Dolezal is black, you've trivialized every black person's experience who grew up with real racism.

02:54:13.000 And when you say that Caitlin Jenner is a woman, you've trivialized womanhood.

02:54:18.000 Now, like this woman who gave birth and had, you know, she's a grandmother and there's a family reunion and she's the matriarch that basically built all these 60 people, she's the same as this fucking guy who put some fake tits, Bailey J. You've, that's sexist. 0.99

02:54:31.000 You've trivialized it.

02:54:33.000 Well, it's certainly a weird thing.

02:54:37.000 I don't know if you've trivialized it because I don't think it diminishes real women in any way, shape, or form.

02:54:42.000 It really does.

02:54:43.000 Not in my eyes.

02:54:44.000 Okay, I'm a woman.

02:54:45.000 We have been suffering.

02:54:47.000 We are oppressed.

02:54:48.000 We get raped.

02:54:49.000 And then some dude in a wig goes, yeah, it's fucking insane.

02:54:53.000 We are getting harassed on the street.

02:54:55.000 And she's looking at him going, uh, well, I was actually really raped.

02:54:59.000 So was I. I had drunk sex.

02:55:04.000 Well, you just shat on her whole experience with your bullshit wig. 1.00

02:55:09.000 I don't know if you do, but I see what you're saying.

02:55:12.000 I see what you're saying.

02:55:12.000 I just.

02:55:13.000 Why don't I put on Black Looks?

02:55:14.000 She's a fan of pastress and go on the Million Man March and go, yo, this shit is outrageous, man.

02:55:18.000 Well, what about the guy who's one of the guys from Black Lives Matter?

02:55:21.000 Sean King.

02:55:22.000 Sean King, who's white?

02:55:23.000 Like, I feel like I'm the same liberal kid I was when I was a punk teenager.

02:55:28.000 I don't like Rachel Dolezal and Sean King because they are racist.

02:55:28.000 Right.

02:55:33.000 Racist?

02:55:34.000 But they identify with black people.

02:55:34.000 Yes.

02:55:35.000 They are trivializing the black experience.

02:55:38.000 I don't like Islam because they're sexist.

02:55:42.000 I don't like fucking feminists because they deprive women of the joy of having babies and they trivialize what it is to be a real woman. 1.00

02:55:50.000 Their whole sort of anti-Southern Bell thing is anti-woman. 1.00

02:55:54.000 I'm still a feminist, anti-racist, fucking punk rocker.

02:56:00.000 You're a feminist? 1.00

02:56:01.000 I'm a feminist in the sense that I, as Donald Trump says, I adore women. 0.51

02:56:06.000 I like women. 1.00

02:56:07.000 I think that's the definition of a feminist, right? 1.00

02:56:10.000 A feminist is someone who attaches merit to femininity, to women. 1.00

02:56:16.000 Yeah, that's not how they use it, though.

02:56:18.000 I know.

02:56:18.000 Today it means you're a feminist if you think men are women.

02:56:21.000 You think women are badass and kick-ass. 1.00

02:56:23.000 They're in kick-ass too, and they're doing circle kicks.

02:56:25.000 You know what my favorite is?

02:56:27.000 When they say that if you are a feminist, there's no need for any other sort of equality, gender equality issue, because feminism addresses all of it. 1.00

02:56:36.000 So there's no need to have men's rights issues because once feminism is completely achieved, once female rights are equal to men's rights, then they will address all the other rights. 1.00

02:56:47.000 I actually, I talked to a feminist about that, and I said, okay, so you must hate the amount of prison rape going on with men. 0.86

02:56:55.000 And she goes, yes, we do.

02:56:57.000 And I go, I can't even conceive of feminists standing outside a prison with placards going, stop the raping of these guys. 1.00

02:57:05.000 Well, the problem is they're being raped by guys. 1.00

02:57:07.000 Like when they say that more men are being raped by them.

02:57:12.000 Well, I think a lot of when you're looking at these really unattractive women that happen just so happen to be feminists. 1.00

02:57:19.000 Again, we're not saying that all feminists are unattractive, but I have friends, and I'm sure you do too, that are just ugly dudes, and they grow to hate women because they just associate women with rejection and feeling bad.

02:57:30.000 They're just getting just constantly shit on by women, like, fuck these bitches. 1.00

02:57:34.000 And they develop that sort of mentality.

02:57:37.000 It just seems to be like a natural course of progression that some really unattractive women would be like really hostile to men too, because all their life they've been rejected and made to feel terrible by men. 0.97

02:57:49.000 Yeah, I agree.

02:57:49.000 Right.

02:57:50.000 But I don't understand why they don't try.

02:57:53.000 Try what?

02:57:54.000 Grow your hair long, wear high-heel shoes.

02:57:57.000 Maybe they don't.

02:57:58.000 Be around at last call, and I'll fuck you. 1.00

02:58:00.000 But here's the thing.

02:58:01.000 A really hot chick with purple hair and it's short and she's got a fucking banging body, I'll fuck the shit out of her. 1.00

02:58:08.000 You wouldn't even care.

02:58:09.000 You wouldn't even care.

02:58:10.000 You'd be like, you sexy bitch. 1.00

02:58:11.000 Like, we don't like short hair.

02:58:12.000 We don't like broken stocks.

02:58:14.000 I used to date this girl. 0.99

02:58:15.000 She had a shaved head.

02:58:16.000 She was hot as fuck. 1.00

02:58:17.000 When you fuck them from behind, it looks like a dude. 0.96

02:58:19.000 It does.

02:58:19.000 I don't like that.

02:58:20.000 He's a very small dude with a big ass.

02:58:20.000 That's right.

02:58:23.000 Fucking a fat 12-year-old boy.

02:58:27.000 We have, women talk about unattainable expectations from men. 1.00

02:58:32.000 That's gays and women coming up with those expectations.

02:58:35.000 We're pretty cool.

02:58:36.000 Like, grow your hair long, wear high-heel shoes.

02:58:39.000 Even if you're fat, put on some lingerie and we'll work it out. 0.99

02:58:42.000 Do you think that this is what's going on with a lot of this is that there's a lot of people that are, they have these standards that they feel like they're supposed to uphold or they're supposed to live up to.

02:58:54.000 But now they have a voice.

02:58:55.000 They have a voice because of the internet, because they find like-minded people online, and they get really active in those communities and it gives them a sense of community and a sense of purpose that they never had before.

02:59:07.000 Yeah, they don't really believe it.

02:59:07.000 Totally.

02:59:09.000 I saw some feminist girl, you know, they hold their stupid fucking signs. 1.00

02:59:12.000 I love those signs.

02:59:13.000 And the sign said, I'm sorry, my breasts aren't big enough. 1.00

02:59:16.000 And she had like pretty decent tits. 1.00

02:59:18.000 And I'm thinking, I'll fucking come on your tits. 1.00

02:59:21.000 Like, I don't care.

02:59:23.000 That is feminism right there. 1.00

02:59:27.000 I've met maybe one guy in my life who likes fake tits. 1.00

02:59:31.000 I dated a girl who had fake tits, and she sat me down. 1.00

02:59:33.000 We had a talk where she told me I had to pay more attention to her breasts because I would be like, face, neck, shoulders. 0.73

02:59:42.000 She sat you down and had a talk.

02:59:44.000 Yeah, because she's like, what did she say?

02:59:46.000 You need to pay more attention to my breasts. 1.00

02:59:48.000 Wow.

02:59:48.000 But I was like, my dad could have those.

02:59:50.000 I can't get into those.

02:59:52.000 I can feel the seam.

02:59:54.000 Yeah.

02:59:55.000 Well, the old ones especially, they're really good now.

02:59:57.000 They have some new ones now that are like, they're a solid instead of a bag of water.

03:00:03.000 Now it's like a silicon mushy thing where it feels exactly like breast tissue, allegedly.

03:00:09.000 I like your shitty tits. 1.00

03:00:12.000 You like regular natural tits? 1.00

03:00:14.000 It's like my buddy Trevor said.

03:00:15.000 He goes, when I was 20, I dated a girl with droopy tits and I hated it, but I sure wouldn't mind fucking with them right now. 1.00

03:00:21.000 Like a girl doggy style and they're hanging down like fucking bags and swinging. 0.99

03:00:25.000 I'd like that.

03:00:26.000 I couldn't look at them where I'd come.

03:00:28.000 Really?

03:00:28.000 Wow.

03:00:29.000 Yeah.

03:00:29.000 When you get older, your spectrum of attractiveness increases and you're like, oh, I'm fucking from behind.

03:00:34.000 I can sort of smell poo.

03:00:36.000 I love it.

03:00:37.000 Oh, really?

03:00:38.000 Just a faint whiff.

03:00:40.000 Yeah, don't get like a woman's ass in your face? 1.00

03:00:42.000 I like a woman who washes that ass first. 1.00

03:00:45.000 Gross.

03:00:46.000 I know too much about bacteria.

03:00:47.000 Oh, that's like a juice thing living in L.A. all this time.

03:00:51.000 Yeah, you've taken on their paranoia about drinks.

03:00:54.000 Like a sid on a shit. 0.99

03:00:55.000 I was showing you my friend's staph infection that almost killed him.

03:00:58.000 I want queefs. 1.00

03:00:59.000 I don't break for queefs. 1.00

03:01:01.000 You know, like when you fucking go and you hear that and they sort of want to stop?

03:01:04.000 I don't break for it either.

03:01:05.000 That's like I'm driving down the highway and someone goes, hey.

03:01:07.000 Okay, let me ask you this.

03:01:08.000 Do you eat pussy when they're on the period? 1.00

03:01:11.000 I used to, but as I got older, no.

03:01:14.000 I don't give a fuck.

03:01:15.000 I used to fuck chicks with Shane a lot.

03:01:18.000 How dare you?

03:01:19.000 We would accidentally touch dicks sometimes.

03:01:21.000 Like one time I was.

03:01:22.000 Was it like that operation game?

03:01:23.000 I thought I was fucking a girl in her ass and it went into her cunt and actually went into his condom. 0.97

03:01:29.000 I'm looking down at it.

03:01:29.000 Inside.

03:01:30.000 How loose is his condom?

03:01:31.000 What is it?

03:01:32.000 A fucking trash bag?

03:01:33.000 I was harder than him.

03:01:34.000 Path of least resistance.

03:01:34.000 It makes sense.

03:01:36.000 So I'm looking down at that.

03:01:38.000 You got inside his condom.

03:01:40.000 So you're using the condom.

03:01:40.000 Yep.

03:01:41.000 No one ever believes me about this.

03:01:42.000 Container so that you guys could rub dicks together. 1.00

03:01:45.000 That wasn't the plan, but I was like, I'm fucking this bitch's ass. 1.00

03:01:48.000 And I look down and I see an asshole.

03:01:51.000 And I'm like, how many assholes does this woman have? 1.00

03:01:54.000 I'm in at least one of them.

03:01:55.000 And then I reach down and I feel a condom.

03:01:58.000 How drunk were you guys?

03:01:59.000 Not drunk at all.

03:02:00.000 Well, how did you not know where you're putting your dick? 0.56

03:02:02.000 Don't you look?

03:02:03.000 What are you looking at at the moment?

03:02:04.000 You're fucking on the ass.

03:02:05.000 You're pushing and pushing and pushing, and then you sort of feel...

03:02:09.000 So you go, oh, that must have gone in the A-hole, the one that I was pushing me. 0.99

03:02:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:02:12.000 What's this girl doing the whole time? 1.00

03:02:14.000 Going, what the hell just happened?

03:02:16.000 It's like Donald Sutherland, the invasion of the body snatchers.

03:02:20.000 Yeah, well, she's got two dicks in her vagina. 1.00

03:02:22.000 She's fucking, whoa, buster. 1.00

03:02:24.000 Listen.

03:02:25.000 She was from Malta.

03:02:25.000 I hate to wrap this up on a high note like that, but we're out of time.

03:02:30.000 You don't want to hear the end of the story?

03:02:31.000 Oh, sure, please.

03:02:32.000 So anyway, I've reached down.

03:02:33.000 I go, I didn't have a condom.

03:02:34.000 I have a condom.

03:02:35.000 And then I pull out and I bust a nut on her butt. 1.00

03:02:38.000 And people go, but you touched a dick. 0.93

03:02:41.000 But when you're doing that kind of stuff, it's like two mobsters digging a hole for a body and their shovels clink.

03:02:47.000 You don't fucking care.

03:02:48.000 You're at work.

03:02:49.000 Right.

03:02:49.000 I understand.

03:02:50.000 I see.

03:02:51.000 I'm glad you wrapped that up nice and tight.

03:02:54.000 How can people see your show on the Anthony Kumiya show?

03:02:57.000 AnthonyKamiya.com.

03:02:59.000 If you're especially thorough, Anthony.com slash Gavin.

03:03:04.000 Is it available in audio form as well?

03:03:07.000 Yeah, it is.

03:03:09.000 And they also do a best of every week that's free.

03:03:12.000 And that has Legion of Skanks and Anthony Kamiya in my show.

03:03:16.000 And I do a column at Tacky Magnetic Commons.

03:03:18.000 I love Big J. Big Jay is fucking hilarious.

03:03:21.000 One time he was talking shit about me, saying Gavin says a lot of shit, but I shot him down once.

03:03:24.000 And I knew they were nearby.

03:03:26.000 So I got my car.

03:03:27.000 And he said he shot you down?

03:03:28.000 Yeah.

03:03:29.000 Like in what way?

03:03:30.000 He nailed one of my arguments he pointed out.

03:03:33.000 So you drove over there.

03:03:34.000 They're like, you son of a bitch.

03:03:36.000 And I was like, what?

03:03:37.000 I hear that all the time.

03:03:38.000 What was the thing?

03:03:39.000 And I'm sorry, I can't remember the exact thing.

03:03:41.000 He's like, you said da-da-da-da-da, and then later you said da-da-da-da-da.

03:03:46.000 And that shuts you down.

03:03:46.000 And I was like, that is actually exactly what happened.

03:03:52.000 Got back in the car and went home and nailed.

03:03:57.000 It happens.

03:03:57.000 All right.

03:03:58.000 Thank you, Gavin.

03:03:59.000 Thanks for having me.

03:03:59.000 This was fun.

03:04:00.000 Appreciate it, brother.

03:04:00.000 Thank you very much, man.

03:04:01.000 Thank you.

03:04:02.000 All right, Gavin McGinnis, ladies and gentlemen.

03:04:03.000 We'll be back.

03:04:04.000 See you soon.

03:04:05.000 Bye-bye.

03:04:05.000 Big kiss.

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03:05:22.000 Go to cavemancoffeeco.com and get yourself some of that nitro, bitch. 1.00

03:05:28.000 All right, folks, that's it for today.

03:05:30.000 We'll be back soon.

03:05:31.000 Thank you so much.

03:05:32.000 Much love.

03:05:33.000 Bye-bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - October 19, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #710 - Gavin McInnes

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript