The Joe Rogan Experience - January 26, 2016


Joe Rogan Experience #751 - Doug Stanhope

Topics
games/stimulation/brain exercises Practical Jokers unsolicited phone calls hoarders and addiction morphine experiences drugs and writing Fen-Fen Hedberg's jokes credit card protection money and communication evolution alcohol cult
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Doug Stanhope
Mentioned
Joey Diaz Doug Stanhope Jack Daniels Jamie Mitt Romney Douglas Amy Schumer Jesus Christ Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed Mike Young The J. Edgar Hoover Brendan Walsh David Koresh Eddie Bravo Elder Rogan Chris Rock Duncan Eddie Griffin Joseph Smith Lenny Bruce and 130 more
Joe Rogan Experience #750 - Kip Andersen, Keegan Kuhn Joe Rogan Experience #753 - Hannibal Buress

Episode Stats


Length

3 hours and 16 minutes

Words per minute

177.46

Word count

34,814

Sentence count

4,071

Harmful content

Misogyny

146

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,495

sentences flagged

Hate speech

100

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

On this episode of the podcast, the boys are joined by comedian and friend of the show, Brian Hynes. The boys talk about Ari's butthole, Asbestos, and the weirdest things Brian has ever done in his life. Also, Brian talks about how he got into comedy, and what it's like to be a professional gambler. Enjoy the episode, and don't forget to subscribe on your favorite streaming platform so you never miss an episode. You can also join the conversation by using the hashtag and on social media, and find Brian online here: Brian also has his own podcast, called which is a podcast where he talks about anything and everything. If you don't know who Brian is, then you're in for a treat. Brian is a comedian, writer, podcaster, and podcaster. He's been around for a long time and is a great friend of mine, and I think you're going to love him. We talk about a lot of random stuff. I hope you enjoy this episode, it's pretty light hearted and fun, and it's a good listen. Thank you Brian for being on the pod. XOXO, Brian - xoxo - Brian Hanes (Music: "Don't Say Don't Say That" - "A Little Late" (feat. Brian) (Jeff Perla) . (Produced by Brian H. ( ) Music: "Instrumental: "Hollywood" (Feat. (featuring Brian H.) ( ) (Solo: ) (Sonic) (Singer: "Ace ( ) and "Peechie) ( ) "Podcast: "I'm Not That" ( ) & "Fucking Good Enough ( )" ( & "PODCAST: "Breezy" (Cuz I'm Yours Truly ( )( ) ( ) - "I Don't Have a Good Idea" ( ), , "I'll Tell You What's Good" (?) (Fucking Don't Know It's Good ( ) , (Benni ( ) ) ( ( ) ( ), "I Can't Have It Better Than That ( ) . " ( ) is a song written and produced by Brian tells you what he's Working On It ( )

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 I won't take them unless I can actually sell it, but having to sell it more than once, which doesn't happen.
00:00:07.000 Well, you have Squarespace now.
00:00:09.000 I think we're live, right?
00:00:10.000 We're live?
00:00:10.000 Alright.
00:00:11.000 I like that one because it's real.
00:00:13.000 There's no disputing.
00:00:15.000 It's a really good product. 0.98
00:00:16.000 Yeah, but Chaley does my website and uses Squarespace, so he can actually tell the shit that it does. 0.89
00:00:23.000 Well, Red Band's made, like, no bullshit, like a dozen or more websites during the time in which it took to do a Squarespace commercial. 0.97
00:00:31.000 He would just slap together a bunch of pictures, call it Ari's Butthole, and put it up online in, like, 30 seconds, and I'm not bullshitting. 0.98
00:00:38.000 It's that easy. 0.98
00:00:39.000 Ari's Butthole. 1.00
00:00:40.000 Yeah, we made... 0.60
00:00:40.000 What was the one that he made? 0.60
00:00:42.000 Some gay one with Ari? 0.99
00:00:44.000 Do you remember, Jamie? 0.83
00:00:45.000 There was Burt Squirts or something?
00:00:47.000 Burt Squirts was one of them.
00:00:48.000 But there was something about Ari's legs or something? 0.74
00:00:50.000 Something sexual? 0.98
00:00:51.000 Ari Shapiro's legs. 1.00
00:00:52.000 He had his feet on the table or some shit like that. 0.99
00:00:54.000 Something like that, right?
00:00:55.000 Okay, so it probably doesn't exist anymore.
00:00:58.000 Maybe some fan picked it up in homage.
00:01:01.000 But it's a legit sponsor, right?
00:01:05.000 You can't argue with it.
00:01:06.000 Some of them, they get sketchy.
00:01:08.000 There's a couple I turned down.
00:01:11.000 Some luxurious sheets.
00:01:13.000 Oh god, yeah.
00:01:15.000 And I have no idea what it was, but I do buy nice sheets because I sleep a lot.
00:01:20.000 So they go, they're going to send you a free set of these luxurious sheets, and I go, these are $300 sheets that are shittier than the $59 ones I bought from some AAA promotion on an email spam blast.
00:01:34.000 I'm like, I'm not promoting that.
00:01:37.000 Money's not that good.
00:01:38.000 Well, we had this one called Lumosity.
00:01:40.000 Have you heard of that one?
00:01:42.000 And it's like brain games.
00:01:43.000 And they're actually kind of cool.
00:01:45.000 They're fun to play.
00:01:46.000 They're stimulating.
00:01:47.000 But games are good for you.
00:01:50.000 Like if you play chess.
00:01:51.000 Chess is good for the brain.
00:01:52.000 It's good for the brain to try to solve puzzles.
00:01:55.000 It's like an exercise.
00:01:56.000 So that's undeniable. 0.97
00:01:58.000 But I guess someone had fucked up and made some outlandish claims. 0.98
00:02:02.000 Like it helps early onset Alzheimer's disease. 1.00
00:02:05.000 Fucking memory loss. 0.99
00:02:06.000 And a lot of like, I don't know who said what, I don't know what happened, but they lost millions of dollars in court. 1.00
00:02:11.000 So they must have said some stupid shit. 1.00
00:02:13.000 They were one of our sponsors. 1.00
00:02:14.000 And while we were doing it, people were like, you know, what they're saying is...
00:02:17.000 Asbestos is one of my sponsors.
00:02:18.000 And that really went sideways.
00:02:21.000 You got in late.
00:02:22.000 You were a late adopter.
00:02:24.000 Yeah, it's not a bad product.
00:02:28.000 It's good.
00:02:28.000 They're fun.
00:02:29.000 It's fun to play.
00:02:30.000 They're stimulating little games. 1.00
00:02:31.000 But I guess they don't make you smarter or fix your fucking brain. 0.99
00:02:35.000 My problem is I would promote shit that's not my sponsor just because I liked it. 1.00
00:02:40.000 Right. 0.99
00:02:40.000 Because I had to go to break. 0.99
00:02:42.000 So I'd just make up a fucking... 0.99
00:02:43.000 Stuff you like? 0.99
00:02:45.000 Or stuff I didn't even...
00:02:46.000 I would just pick random things out of... 0.96
00:02:48.000 Alright, let's say a Bangor, Maine wedding attire and just Google some shop and then do a whole really dumb... 0.93
00:02:57.000 Hey, you're getting married on Tuesday. 0.85
00:03:00.000 Wow, where is your wife going to get a wedding dress on short notice? 1.00
00:03:05.000 And do the actual company without their knowledge or consent and just do a really bad commercial just for fun.
00:03:12.000 That's a good move.
00:03:14.000 That's a real good move.
00:03:15.000 Yeah, but the things that I actually like, I bet on betonline.ag.
00:03:20.000 That's where I do my sports betting.
00:03:23.000 But I promote them all the time.
00:03:25.000 How am I going to get a deal if I promote them for free anyway?
00:03:29.000 I keep telling you that.
00:03:30.000 That's Brian Hennigan, my filthy, uncut Scotsman manager sitting in, who tells me, don't say anything for free.
00:03:39.000 Well, Brian, that's always a good move.
00:03:42.000 Don't say nothing for free, dude.
00:03:44.000 You're often on this podcast.
00:03:47.000 Very enjoyable.
00:03:48.000 We'll listen to you guys together.
00:03:49.000 The podcast is pretty badass.
00:03:50.000 I enjoy it.
00:03:51.000 It's so loose.
00:03:52.000 It's one of my favorites because it has no beginning.
00:03:55.000 It's just the conversations in mid-stride.
00:03:58.000 Is it on? 0.99
00:03:59.000 I don't know if it's fucking on. 0.99
00:04:01.000 Is this thing moving? 0.98
00:04:02.000 Okay.
00:04:02.000 It's my open mic.
00:04:03.000 I don't have comedy there, so I do a podcast as open mic just to keep in the mode of talking in an entertainment arena.
00:04:14.000 You're cross-training.
00:04:15.000 Yes, basically.
00:04:18.000 It is, right?
00:04:19.000 I mean, kind of in a way. 0.93
00:04:21.000 It's a de facto open mic, where otherwise I'd just be watching fucking Netflix all the time, so I have to at least do something artistically, creatively. 0.99
00:04:31.000 Fuck, we haven't put out a podcast. 0.98
00:04:33.000 We need, you know, two a week we try to hit. 0.99
00:04:36.000 How many people does Bisbee have?
00:04:38.000 Just over 5,000.
00:04:40.000 Do you think that it's possible that you could sustain a small comedy club?
00:04:46.000 A small local comedy club?
00:04:48.000 We were kind of talking about this the other night at the Comedy Store.
00:04:51.000 I think if you put together a small comedy club, like 150 seats or so, you could fill that...
00:04:58.000 Even though it's a weird place and it's in the middle of nowhere, you could make it like a destination thing.
00:05:02.000 Guys like me would do it.
00:05:04.000 I would do it for sure.
00:05:05.000 The problem is...
00:05:06.000 And I make jokes about it, but the main source of income in Bisbee is permanent disability or handyman.
00:05:15.000 Really?
00:05:15.000 So no one charges.
00:05:17.000 I filmed my last special there, and the fact that I was charging money at all was reprehensible to a lot of the town.
00:05:28.000 Really?
00:05:29.000 Fortunately, it sold out with out-of-towners within under an hour.
00:05:33.000 Probably a better move that way, right?
00:05:35.000 Yeah.
00:05:35.000 Yeah, a lot of people in a small town, like, I'm a rich guy there.
00:05:40.000 Really?
00:05:41.000 Again, it's a destination at the weekend, meaning it's the same as every comedy club on the planet.
00:05:46.000 It only makes money at the weekends.
00:05:48.000 And you could do that, because you're only, like, how far from Tucson?
00:05:52.000 An hour and a half.
00:05:53.000 Yeah, see, that's not much.
00:05:54.000 Two hours from actual Tucson.
00:05:57.000 But that's a fun...
00:05:57.000 No, Joe's driving.
00:05:58.000 That's a fun trek.
00:06:00.000 Like, that would be a fun track. 0.99
00:06:01.000 You know, you fly into Tucson, fuck yeah, we're gonna go to fucking Stanhope's Comedy Club! 0.99
00:06:05.000 And then you take a drive, you rent a car, you Uber, if you're baller. 1.00
00:06:09.000 You stay at theshadydell.com?
00:06:12.000 Oh, you have a place.
00:06:13.000 Yeah.
00:06:13.000 Well, no, that's a friend of mine, that vintage trailer park.
00:06:17.000 I look for reasons to stay there.
00:06:20.000 Hey, let's fumigate the house so we have a reason to stay at the Shady Dell 1950s Airstream trailers.
00:06:25.000 Oh, like those silver Overcooled looking ones?
00:06:27.000 Yeah, but everything inside.
00:06:29.000 Old records with old record players.
00:06:31.000 Silverware and cups.
00:06:33.000 They're all 1950s.
00:06:34.000 They've got a tiki bus.
00:06:35.000 Wow.
00:06:35.000 You could just go back and...
00:06:36.000 You could roleplay.
00:06:37.000 Hennigan got married there on a... 0.58
00:06:39.000 They have a 38-foot yacht that you can stay on.
00:06:43.000 Just landlocked?
00:06:44.000 A landlocked yacht?
00:06:46.000 Dry doctor, however you say it.
00:06:48.000 Look how well that marriage went.
00:06:51.000 Hey, citizen! 0.89
00:06:54.000 I don't want to insinuate that any crime took place on this podcast, so let's change the subject rapidly. 0.95
00:07:02.000 How ridiculous is that?
00:07:05.000 That all you have to do to become a citizen is you gotta get a person in that country to sign some papers saying you guys are together. 0.69
00:07:13.000 Yeah.
00:07:13.000 Like, we'll let you in.
00:07:14.000 We'll let you in.
00:07:15.000 But you gotta be in love.
00:07:16.000 I gotta know this is real! 0.99
00:07:18.000 It's the fact that they'll fucking investigate. 0.99
00:07:20.000 Like, they don't believe it. 1.00
00:07:21.000 I would gay marry someone to get them in the country just for the 10 minutes of material. 1.00
00:07:25.000 Well, we were gonna gay marry each other on the Man Show. 0.98
00:07:29.000 Last episode of the... 0.93
00:07:30.000 Just to save each other's money.
00:07:31.000 Right before it was officially canceled, I remember I was in the Atlanta Punchline parking lot drunk, and I called Zoe Friedman.
00:07:39.000 I go, I know this show's gonna get canceled, but please, it was just when Massachusetts had legalized gay marriage. 0.80
00:07:45.000 I think it was New Hampshire.
00:07:46.000 Was it?
00:07:47.000 I feel like it was New Hampshire.
00:07:48.000 Some New England state.
00:07:48.000 It was big news, and I go, just let the last episode be me and Joe getting gay married, and then show how...
00:07:57.000 Perfect a marriage that would be.
00:07:58.000 We don't fight over the remote control.
00:08:01.000 You want to go bowling, I want to go fishing.
00:08:04.000 There's no problem.
00:08:05.000 Yeah, we explain how awesome the gay lifestyle really would be. 0.92
00:08:10.000 Other than the gay parts? 1.00
00:08:11.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:08:12.000 Other than all the butt-fucking and dick-sucking? 1.00
00:08:16.000 It seems like a great time. 1.00
00:08:18.000 Will you do that before you get married?
00:08:20.000 Yeah, I guess.
00:08:21.000 Just get it out of the way. 1.00
00:08:23.000 Every fucking sitcom with a married hetero couple is, uh, you wanna fuck? 1.00
00:08:30.000 I don't wanna fuck! 1.00
00:08:31.000 Well, what's fascinating to me is the reinvigoration of manhood that I witness in men that are in their 40s that get divorced. 1.00
00:08:40.000 Like, all of a sudden, I'm fucking alive again, you know? 0.96
00:08:46.000 Don't you notice that? 0.98
00:08:48.000 The saddest part is, it's men or women, but I notice the women who just, they had kids when they were 18, and they married some fucking dentist, and now they're pushing 40, and the kid's in college, and they get divorced, 0.98
00:09:03.000 and they're gonna go out on the town, and we're gonna have fun tonight! 0.98
00:09:07.000 And they just stand out like they're trying to dance when no one else is dancing on the dance floor.
00:09:13.000 Yeah, it's sad.
00:09:16.000 It's way different.
00:09:16.000 They go right back to when they graduated college.
00:09:21.000 But now they're 41. But isn't it?
00:09:23.000 It's fascinating because like as a human being, right?
00:09:26.000 You're supposed to be like living in the moment.
00:09:28.000 You're supposed to be enjoying the moment.
00:09:29.000 Like you are alive.
00:09:30.000 Is it just the inevitable doom of the clock ticking in the background that makes it so sad?
00:09:36.000 Is that what it is?
00:09:37.000 It's every morning for me.
00:09:40.000 I do not wake up a morning without thinking about how much time do I have left?
00:09:45.000 Yeah.
00:09:45.000 When will I die?
00:09:46.000 It stinks. 0.96
00:09:47.000 The Great Demise.
00:09:48.000 But I've been doing that since my early, mid-30s.
00:09:52.000 Wow.
00:09:52.000 Well, if you think about it, it becomes inevitable.
00:09:55.000 I mean, that becomes something that you have to dwell on.
00:09:57.000 Well, you also have everyone bashing your lifestyle.
00:10:00.000 Because there was an era, the Sam Kinison era.
00:10:04.000 Probably a bad example.
00:10:06.000 Wow!
00:10:07.000 Well, he died in a drunk driving accident, and he wasn't even drunk.
00:10:10.000 Yeah, he was sober, but where that was acceptable, and then it became unacceptable.
00:10:15.000 So I can name me and Ron White as the two comics of any tenure that still actually drink heavily and smokes cigarettes, he smokes cigars, whatever.
00:10:29.000 Dom Herrera drinks pretty heavily.
00:10:31.000 Does he?
00:10:31.000 Yeah, he's pretty open about it.
00:10:33.000 He drinks pretty much every night.
00:10:35.000 Right.
00:10:36.000 Yeah.
00:10:37.000 But he's not known for it.
00:10:39.000 Well, he doesn't bring it up a lot.
00:10:41.000 He doesn't walk out on stage with three drinks under his arm like Neil Hamburger.
00:10:46.000 Right.
00:10:47.000 But for real.
00:10:47.000 No, he'll go up there with a drink or so.
00:10:49.000 But Tom Herrera, he's such a great guy.
00:10:52.000 I just saw him last week or two weeks ago.
00:10:54.000 He's the salt of the earth, that guy.
00:10:56.000 That expression, he's no more true than that guy.
00:10:59.000 He's just so sweet.
00:11:01.000 He's such a lovable guy.
00:11:02.000 Every time I see him, I just can't wait to hug him, you know?
00:11:05.000 We were on a cruise ship.
00:11:06.000 I was just a passenger. 0.97
00:11:09.000 It was the Impractical Jokers, which I fucking love their show so much. 0.66
00:11:13.000 They put on a fan cruise, and I found it. 0.93
00:11:17.000 And I go, Bingo and I are huge.
00:11:19.000 Who was the Impractical Jokers?
00:11:21.000 Yeah, it was two weeks ago.
00:11:22.000 Who are they?
00:11:23.000 It's on TruTV, one of the worst networks out there.
00:11:27.000 Oh, that's a crazy prank show.
00:11:30.000 They're old friends and they do pranks like you would do with your buddies. 0.99
00:11:33.000 It's not like fucking Ashton Kutcher on Punk'd. 1.00
00:11:37.000 They just dare each other to do shit. 1.00
00:11:39.000 Shots fired. 1.00
00:11:41.000 The thing is, when you explain it, Doug...
00:11:42.000 There you go.
00:11:43.000 I'm the first to say it. 0.78
00:11:45.000 Ashton Kutcher, the guy you haven't heard about in eight years is a douche.
00:11:49.000 But when you explain...
00:11:50.000 Explaining the true TV in Practical Jokers is kind of...
00:11:55.000 It doesn't sound that funny, but when you see it, it's fantastic.
00:11:58.000 They're genuine, and that's what I want to say.
00:11:59.000 For the record, I met Ashton Kutcher.
00:12:01.000 He was very nice.
00:12:02.000 But the show sucked, and I love hidden camera.
00:12:05.000 He was a very nice guy.
00:12:06.000 I worked with him on that CBS hidden camera thing.
00:12:09.000 I mean, I only got to talk to him once, but he was very friendly.
00:12:11.000 He's totally normal.
00:12:12.000 This valet driver, he's a fake. 1.00
00:12:17.000 And what idiot would just hand their keys to anybody? 1.00
00:12:20.000 Well, anyone who goes to a valet would. 1.00
00:12:23.000 Just a smarmy tone.
00:12:25.000 Douche. 0.99
00:12:26.000 He's a douche. 0.98
00:12:27.000 Anyway. 0.98
00:12:28.000 Ahmed Ahmed almost got in a fist fight with Travis Barker.
00:12:34.000 Apparently, Ahmed Ahmed, they were doing this prank on Punk'd where Ahmed Ahmed was telling me the story.
00:12:41.000 He got to get like in Travis Barker's face.
00:12:44.000 Who's Travis Barker?
00:12:45.000 The guy from Blink-182, the drummer covering tattoos, right?
00:12:48.000 He's from Blink-182, right?
00:12:51.000 Really nice guy.
00:12:51.000 Really cool guy.
00:12:53.000 Amazing drummer.
00:12:54.000 And just an interesting cat all around. 0.99
00:12:56.000 But I guess he just doesn't take any shit from people. 0.98
00:12:59.000 And Ahmed Ahmed, like, is a big guy. 0.99
00:13:02.000 Like, Ahmed Ahmed's, you know, 200 plus pounds, probably six foot one or something like that.
00:13:07.000 He's a pretty big guy.
00:13:08.000 Except for the intimidating part.
00:13:11.000 He's not intimidating?
00:13:12.000 No.
00:13:12.000 You wouldn't be scared of Ahmed Ahmed if you didn't know him?
00:13:15.000 No, not if he didn't have a suicide vest on.
00:13:23.000 May I be the first to say, how dare you?
00:13:26.000 How dare you?
00:13:29.000 I stole that from you.
00:13:31.000 That's part of my regular nomenclatures.
00:13:35.000 How dare you?
00:13:36.000 That's so Joe Rogan.
00:13:38.000 It's not even mine.
00:13:39.000 I mean, that's just, it's out there.
00:13:40.000 I don't know.
00:13:41.000 Hello, nice lady. 1.00
00:13:42.000 Hi, nice lady. 1.00
00:13:43.000 I know I stole that from Brendan Walsh.
00:13:46.000 Oh, hi, nice lady. 1.00
00:13:47.000 Hey, nice lady. 1.00
00:13:48.000 I use that all the time.
00:13:50.000 Hey, nice lady's a good one. 1.00
00:13:52.000 It's like so fucking pejorative, but not. 0.97
00:13:54.000 It's like when you don't remember a name and instead of saying, hey, baby, hey, good look. 0.98
00:14:00.000 Nice lady you can get away with. 1.00
00:14:01.000 Hey, nice lady. 1.00
00:14:03.000 I actually asked him once.
00:14:05.000 I go, did I steal that from you?
00:14:07.000 You don't know.
00:14:07.000 That's a good one.
00:14:08.000 I didn't know you had to steal that from him.
00:14:09.000 Is it Brennan's?
00:14:10.000 Walsh always said it, but I don't know.
00:14:13.000 I'm assuming he said it. 0.76
00:14:15.000 Sometimes you just meet a funny guy that, like, fucking works in the kitchen, and he has great lines, and you forget where you got him from, and then all of a sudden you're like, you're all going, hey now, or, you know, hey there, or, you know, whatever this one guy does. 0.92
00:14:26.000 Please hold. 0.98
00:14:26.000 I use all the time, and I stole that from Captain Rowdy's wife. 0.98
00:14:29.000 Miss Kimmy is a comic, old comic Captain Rowdy. 1.00
00:14:33.000 And she'd answer the phone, and it'd be for Rowdy, and she'd go, please hold. 0.97
00:14:37.000 I've fucking used that ever since. 0.96
00:14:39.000 That's hilarious. 0.99
00:14:40.000 Please hold.
00:14:41.000 Eddie Bravo had these prescription pharmaceutical companies calling him up.
00:14:48.000 Apparently he had used his money, or used his number rather, on a credit card order and bought some pharmaceutical drugs.
00:14:56.000 So they would just randomly call him, like they gave out his number. 0.85
00:14:59.000 So he would just be fucking sitting around and they would call him and ask him if he wants to buy various drugs. 0.97
00:15:05.000 They sell them to you from Canada. 0.98
00:15:07.000 This was back when they could do that.
00:15:09.000 So Eddie Bravo would put the phone down.
00:15:11.000 He would walk away.
00:15:12.000 He would walk away for five minutes.
00:15:14.000 I'll be right back.
00:15:16.000 I know I got my money here, so I'm like, hold on a second.
00:15:19.000 Yeah, I'm definitely buying some stuff.
00:15:21.000 In the industry, that's called a stroker.
00:15:24.000 From the old telemarketing days.
00:15:27.000 A stroker. 0.99
00:15:28.000 Someone who would just purposely keep you on the phone and fuck with you for as long as they could. 1.00
00:15:33.000 Which is actually a good move. 0.99
00:15:34.000 Well, we were fucking defrauding people, so you can't hold it against them. 0.97
00:15:39.000 No, it's fun. 0.98
00:15:40.000 That's a smart one.
00:15:41.000 You got a smart one.
00:15:42.000 You got one that didn't fall into the hive. 0.98
00:15:43.000 I hate bounty hunters just because they're cocks. 1.00
00:15:48.000 I mean, you have a point. 0.98
00:15:50.000 A stroker has a point.
00:15:52.000 Yeah, Stroker has a point, for sure. 1.00
00:15:55.000 Random phone calls, like especially the unsolicited phone calls, fuck them. 1.00
00:15:59.000 It's all, you know, there's no rules. 0.99
00:16:00.000 I just get the fucking robots now, and what I get now, I don't know if anyone else gets this, they mimic your own phone number, so it will have my same... 0.97
00:16:10.000 Area code and prefix, and then just screw up the last four numbers a little bit. 0.99
00:16:17.000 I assume the psychology is you recognize that phone number and then answer it, and then you go, oh fuck, that's my phone number, and now you're listening to a bot call. 0.67
00:16:27.000 Do you want to extend your warranty? 0.92
00:16:29.000 You have a limited time.
00:16:32.000 How many people actually buy into those?
00:16:34.000 I mean, it has to be worthwhile, otherwise they wouldn't just keep doing it.
00:16:37.000 It's a numbers game.
00:16:38.000 It's a robot. 1.00
00:16:39.000 It's a fucking computer. 1.00
00:16:41.000 So if you could just hit a program and then go off to, you know, whatever you do selling shoes. 0.99
00:16:47.000 Well, some people are just really fucking lonely, too. 0.83
00:16:50.000 That's one thing to take into consideration. 0.95
00:16:52.000 My grandfather, before he died, my grandmother died.
00:16:56.000 It was one of those classic stories where my grandmother dies, and my grandfather dies a year later.
00:17:00.000 Just didn't want to live.
00:17:02.000 But in that year that you didn't visit, he got lonely.
00:17:05.000 I was around here, man.
00:17:07.000 But in that year, he got addicted to buying things from catalogs.
00:17:16.000 He was getting cancer.
00:17:18.000 Was he in his 40s too?
00:17:20.000 No!
00:17:21.000 I mean, just like he was buying things, they would call him up and they would offer him catalogs and stuff like that.
00:17:27.000 He would get the catalogs, he would order things from the catalogs.
00:17:30.000 And it became like a problem.
00:17:32.000 He just would get it, just like his wife was gone.
00:17:36.000 You know, his wife was there his whole life, so it's like, you don't have anybody to talk to, and I think part of you just goes insane.
00:17:43.000 Like, part of you blows a fuse.
00:17:45.000 Like, the normal input's just not there.
00:17:47.000 Like, usually it's you and the wife, you and the husband, you and the, you know, and then it's gone, and they're like, where's that thing that's part of my life?
00:17:55.000 It's like a part of you dies.
00:17:57.000 They really do just want to die.
00:17:59.000 And that's how they go. 1.00
00:18:00.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.98
00:18:01.000 How do you correlate that to shopping? 1.00
00:18:03.000 This is my beef with fucking hoarders. 1.00
00:18:06.000 Hoarders will do a montage like Intervention does. 1.00
00:18:10.000 Like, well, then her husband left for another woman and then she started... 1.00
00:18:18.000 Stocking the basement full of dollar store shit. 0.99
00:18:21.000 You don't know that the cause and effect... 1.00
00:18:25.000 There's no scientific...
00:18:27.000 It's like intervention. 1.00
00:18:28.000 Hey, tell me one bad thing that ever happened to you, and we'll do a montage about that, and that's why you're a fucking crack addict. 0.99
00:18:35.000 There's no scientific proof that's why you're a crack addict, but they try to pin it on something. 0.99
00:18:42.000 There's plenty of people who had great childhoods that are fucking crack addicts, but they need to have some reason. 0.99
00:18:49.000 It's just like chicks with fucking self-help books all over their shelf. 1.00
00:18:53.000 Well, I think it's not an either-or thing. 1.00
00:18:55.000 I think that's part of it.
00:18:56.000 Like, there's a lot of people that have drug addictions because of abuse, right?
00:19:01.000 I think we all know them.
00:19:02.000 There's a lot of people that get involved in drug addiction because they were abused as a child.
00:19:07.000 And whatever fuse blue, they're like constantly trying to put out that fire, right?
00:19:12.000 There's that. 0.97
00:19:13.000 But then there's also people that they just fucking can't do it. 0.99
00:19:17.000 They just can't drink or they can't do drugs. 0.99
00:19:19.000 They just can't. 1.00
00:19:20.000 They do it and then they get shark eyes and they're fucking gone. 0.99
00:19:24.000 They're just off to the races. 0.99
00:19:26.000 And we've all met people like that.
00:19:28.000 I know, Sean Rouse is what you're saying, but...
00:19:31.000 I'm saying Eddie Bravo.
00:19:33.000 Eddie Bravo's figured out how to pull in, though. 0.99
00:19:35.000 My point is, maybe your grandpa just likes to buy shit out of catalogs because he's bored. 0.99
00:19:41.000 Like, I'm gonna die soon. 1.00
00:19:42.000 Let me just buy some shit and jack up my credit card because I'm not gonna be around to pay this bill. 0.99
00:19:47.000 Once the family investigated, that wasn't the case. 0.99
00:19:49.000 But I can understand why you would think that.
00:19:52.000 I'm not saying your grandpa specifically, but people correlate.
00:19:57.000 Yeah, he was so old country though. 1.00
00:19:59.000 He was born in Italy.
00:20:00.000 He was as old country as you get. 0.99
00:20:02.000 Grew up on a farm.
00:20:03.000 Taught me how to break a rabbit's neck.
00:20:05.000 How you kill a rabbit.
00:20:07.000 He grew up in a place there were no catalogs.
00:20:12.000 Before I die, I better take advantage of all these newfangled ways.
00:20:16.000 It's like magic.
00:20:18.000 It was always the big thing that my grandfather worked in a factory that made a part for the atomic bomb.
00:20:24.000 Wow.
00:20:25.000 It was like one of those things that the whole family would talk about.
00:20:28.000 Grandpa worked in a factory that made a part for the A-bomb. 1.00
00:20:33.000 We're like, whoa.
00:20:35.000 Whoa. 0.99
00:20:36.000 It was like sort of a badge of pride in some sort of weird fucking way. 0.98
00:20:41.000 I don't even know if it was true. 0.99
00:20:42.000 That's why he drank, because he knew he killed all those people in Nagasaki.
00:20:46.000 He didn't even drink.
00:20:47.000 Oh.
00:20:49.000 That's a guy with no conscience.
00:20:51.000 He was a great guy.
00:20:53.000 My grandfather was one of the nicest guys of all time.
00:20:56.000 He was like, even for back then, it's a hard time, you know?
00:21:00.000 He was not a hard man at all.
00:21:02.000 He was the nicest guy.
00:21:04.000 When someone dies, people say, and he was such a sweet man and a nice man, and my dad, even to this day when I was writing this book about my mother, Oh, your father was the sweetest person ever.
00:21:17.000 He really was.
00:21:19.000 And I couldn't even say that about my mother. 1.00
00:21:21.000 She was a real cunt towards the end. 1.00
00:21:24.000 She was a fucking bitter, spiteful, needy... 1.00
00:21:27.000 At the end. 1.00
00:21:29.000 At the beginning, she was just someone who had a kid too young.
00:21:31.000 I met her like three quarters in, and she was great. 0.98
00:21:34.000 Well, that's because she was on the show. 1.00
00:21:37.000 I actually went back writing that book because my memory is shit, and I watched the episode with my mom and your mom. 0.98
00:21:44.000 It's somewhere out there on some Vimeo or some shit. 0.98
00:21:47.000 That's right. 0.99
00:21:48.000 That's right.
00:21:49.000 I forgot about that. 0.98
00:21:50.000 And there's a lot of things in the book that sound like bullshit, and I just sound like I got laid for the first time when I was nine years old. 0.99
00:22:00.000 Before you could cum and That sounds awesome. 0.98
00:22:03.000 But that's on that episode, where the episode was me and you, and we had cards. 0.88
00:22:10.000 Okay, which one of us?
00:22:11.000 We had embarrassing things from our childhood, and our mothers were on Jeopardy style. 1.00
00:22:19.000 Okay, which one of us did this?
00:22:21.000 And mine was, who lost his virginity in third grade in a church?
00:22:25.000 And bang, my mom slaps the button. 0.96
00:22:28.000 That's my boy!
00:22:29.000 That was the name of the game.
00:22:31.000 That's my boy. 0.99
00:22:32.000 And I'm like, you're verifying everything in this book that sounds like bullshit on tape. 0.88
00:22:39.000 Thank you, because... 0.82
00:22:41.000 A lot of stuff.
00:22:41.000 Do you ever have stories that you will only tell if there's someone in the room to verify because otherwise you sound like a liar?
00:22:49.000 Yeah, it sounds crazy.
00:22:50.000 Yeah, she verified five different stories that are in the book. 0.85
00:22:54.000 Well, you remember when we had your mom review porn?
00:22:57.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:22:57.000 She was fucking great at it. 0.99
00:22:59.000 She was great. 1.00
00:23:00.000 She would watch these DVDs and review them.
00:23:02.000 It was really funny.
00:23:03.000 It was humorous.
00:23:04.000 Like, it was really funny.
00:23:07.000 She was good.
00:23:09.000 She was good.
00:23:09.000 I saw her at her best.
00:23:11.000 That's when I knew your mom.
00:23:13.000 That's when she started drinking again.
00:23:14.000 It was right after the man show.
00:23:16.000 Oh no, really?
00:23:17.000 She had been like 22 years sober.
00:23:19.000 She was sneaking.
00:23:20.000 She'd be drinking cough syrup because she's a lifelong menthol smoker. 0.97
00:23:26.000 So she always had a cough.
00:23:27.000 So anytime you went to that filthy apartment, she had a little shot glass of cough syrup. 1.00
00:23:34.000 So she was kind of like weaning her way back into drinking but using the...
00:23:39.000 Codeine? 1.00
00:23:41.000 Fucking dollar store Robitussin. 0.99
00:23:43.000 I remember talking about it on my first CD. What year? 0.99
00:23:48.000 2001, probably. 1.00
00:23:51.000 See, yeah, I think back then you could get the real shit. 1.00
00:23:55.000 She wouldn't get real shit. 1.00
00:23:57.000 She was a dollar store freak. 1.00
00:23:58.000 No, but I mean like NyQuil. 1.00
00:23:59.000 Like, NyQuil would fuck you up back then. 0.99
00:24:01.000 There was a comic that used to get one of the guys who worked at Rascals in West Orange. 0.98
00:24:08.000 There was a comic who used to get one of the guys who worked there to go buy him bottles of NyQuil.
00:24:15.000 He would just drink bottles. 1.00
00:24:18.000 A fucking NyQuil. 1.00
00:24:19.000 When my brother was in the Marine Corps in Okinawa, there was a whole bunch of them. 1.00
00:24:23.000 They called themselves the Robo-Raiders.
00:24:25.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:24:26.000 Because they would drink Robitussin until they hallucinated.
00:24:29.000 Oh, my God. 0.99
00:24:33.000 I can't fucking listen to this. 0.98
00:24:38.000 The regular NyQuil, I think, had codeine in it, didn't it, Jamie? 1.00
00:24:43.000 You could get so fucked up, like in an amazing way. 0.99
00:24:49.000 Did you do it? 1.00
00:24:50.000 Yeah, I got sick once.
00:24:52.000 Well, I've had two morphine experiences.
00:24:55.000 One of them was in the hospital after I had knee surgery.
00:24:57.000 They gave me this thing that you could press, and you could press it.
00:25:00.000 Every time you press it, you get more morphine.
00:25:02.000 And I was like, oh, let's see what happens.
00:25:05.000 I'm like, I am in agony. 0.98
00:25:07.000 They drilled some shit into my knee and replaced a ligament and cut one and took out bone and screwed it together. 1.00
00:25:14.000 It's fucking agony. 0.99
00:25:15.000 So I'm just like, oh, bam, bam, bam. 0.98
00:25:18.000 And it just took me to this amazing place of bliss. 0.99
00:25:21.000 I'm like, well, no wonder why that shit's hard to get. 0.99
00:25:24.000 No wonder why it's illegal. 0.99
00:25:25.000 And then the next time, I never would take medicine, but I got a bad cold, and I just needed to sleep.
00:25:32.000 And I couldn't sleep, so I took some NyQuil.
00:25:35.000 And it was amazing.
00:25:36.000 It was the same feeling that I had when I had surgery.
00:25:39.000 It's like the NyQuil just took me to this beautiful...
00:25:42.000 Like I fell back into the most amazing down pillow just of love.
00:25:49.000 Just...
00:25:50.000 I know people that are jacked on Vicodin.
00:25:55.000 What's that?
00:25:57.000 Percocet?
00:25:57.000 It's an opiate.
00:25:59.000 Where I've taken Vicodin, it did nothing.
00:26:01.000 Even when I had one surgery in my adult life, it was an umbilical hernia, and they gave it to me as a painkiller, and I didn't feel any pain, but I didn't feel any high.
00:26:12.000 And I'm like, maybe this just doesn't hurt.
00:26:14.000 Well, I had a buddy that got into Vicodin for writing.
00:26:18.000 He would write on it.
00:26:19.000 He would take Vicodin and write music.
00:26:21.000 That was his thing.
00:26:23.000 He loved to crush up Vicodins and then he would take it and I don't know how he would do it.
00:26:28.000 He would snort it or whether he would just swallow them.
00:26:30.000 But he would say that his music would become very creative and he would do that.
00:26:35.000 I can't write on anything but fear.
00:26:41.000 Seriously, I write sober and afraid. 0.97
00:26:43.000 I'll write some shit down when I'm drunk ideas, and then sober me will have to go back and clean them up. 0.96
00:26:50.000 At best, I can remember the premise, and now I have to make this good. 0.99
00:26:58.000 There's drugs that are good for stage, cocaine, which I'm not a regular user of, but I've had shows where I'm just tired of saying this shit and do a bump before stage. 0.95
00:27:11.000 It's great for stage, but for writing, nothing other than fear and coffee. 0.88
00:27:16.000 Joey Diaz says that coke was terrible for him for the stage.
00:27:20.000 Joey said that coke would make him lock up.
00:27:22.000 It would make him feel evil and make him feel greedy.
00:27:25.000 He goes, it would take out the love.
00:27:27.000 The amount of coke Joey Diaz was probably doing is different than a small Bic cap bump that I would do like a 48 hour energy drink.
00:27:40.000 Do you remember that time we did mushrooms the day of the war?
00:27:45.000 Oh yeah. 0.98
00:27:47.000 I've never had cocaine, but I did have this fucking coca leaves tea from Jan Irvin. 0.99
00:27:53.000 He had this mate de coca tea. 0.99
00:27:56.000 It was tea that was made out of coca leaves, and you would drink it, and I just couldn't shut the fuck up. 0.76
00:28:03.000 Remember? 0.84
00:28:04.000 I was talking to you about it.
00:28:06.000 No, I've heard your podcast.
00:28:06.000 But remember you and I were having this conversation about it?
00:28:09.000 I was like, this is what coke is like?
00:28:11.000 Oh my god, this is awful. 0.99
00:28:13.000 You've always said you're terrified of trying it, because if I like it, I'll go fucking haywire. 0.79
00:28:18.000 I think I'm terrified of it because when I grew up, I saw two people that I was pretty close to completely ruin their lives. 0.79
00:28:25.000 One was a really good friend, and another one was a really good friend's cousin. 0.99
00:28:29.000 And I watched their life just go to shit! 0.99
00:28:31.000 I've seen the same thing. 1.00
00:28:33.000 I saw a couple of fat girls get thin. 1.00
00:28:36.000 Ha ha! 0.86
00:28:37.000 Do you remember when they had Fen-Fen? 0.99
00:28:40.000 Do you remember Fen-Fen? 0.78
00:28:41.000 I remember it existing.
00:28:42.000 What is it?
00:28:42.000 I knew a girl.
00:28:43.000 Diet pill.
00:28:45.000 Truck stop speed, basically, but sold under a different marketing umbrella.
00:28:50.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:28:50.000 Well, it was really fucking bad for you. 0.98
00:28:54.000 I knew a girl who got on it, and she went from being, unfortunately, like... 0.98
00:29:01.000 Plump.
00:29:02.000 She was like...
00:29:02.000 Was her name Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream?
00:29:06.000 No.
00:29:06.000 No, it was a different girl.
00:29:07.000 She was like a little plump. 1.00
00:29:08.000 Three people out there got that reference.
00:29:10.000 Good.
00:29:11.000 That was a good movie, though. 1.00
00:29:12.000 Requiem for a Dream was the shit. 0.99
00:29:14.000 I almost forgot about that movie. 1.00
00:29:16.000 Anyway, she got on the Fen-Fen.
00:29:19.000 Lost a ton of weight, looked amazing, but then started feeling really, really bad. 1.00
00:29:23.000 Like, you know, you get, like, fucking heart issues, man. 0.99
00:29:26.000 I mean, you're on, essentially, you're on speed. 1.00
00:29:28.000 You're on speed for, like, a fucking year. 1.00
00:29:31.000 And after a while, your heart's like, hey, fuckhead! 1.00
00:29:34.000 We need some oil in this engine. 1.00
00:29:36.000 We're running about 88,000 fucking RPMs. 0.99
00:29:39.000 Jesus Christ! 1.00
00:29:40.000 The fuck are we doing today? 1.00
00:29:42.000 She looked amazing though, man. 1.00
00:29:44.000 I mean, she went from being a girl who had this really pretty face that just couldn't get her body in order for whatever reason. 0.97
00:29:50.000 Her diet, drinking, you know, a lot of people just booze. 0.53
00:29:52.000 Just a story this week on Newser is where I go for my...
00:29:57.000 Yeah, me too. 1.00
00:29:58.000 Read Less No More or some dumb shit. 1.00
00:30:00.000 Some girl in Wisconsin froze to death leaving a party in a tank top and shorts at six below zero. 1.00
00:30:07.000 Oh, God. 0.99
00:30:08.000 And then security cameras caught her walking like a thousand feet and then just curled up and fucking died. 1.00
00:30:14.000 Oh, my God. 1.00
00:30:15.000 And that's the vanity.
00:30:17.000 Where a chick will just underdress to be sexy. 1.00
00:30:21.000 That's why a chick always wants your coat when she goes, I'm going to dress all sexy. 1.00
00:30:25.000 And then it's 25 degrees out.
00:30:27.000 Can I wear your coat? 1.00
00:30:28.000 No, I brought a coat because I know it's fucking cold outside, whore. 1.00
00:30:32.000 How dare you, first of all? 1.00
00:30:33.000 This girl was drunk, so that's... 1.00
00:30:35.000 You gotta think, this girl has friends, right? 0.99
00:30:38.000 How the fuck are her friends? 0.98
00:30:39.000 Like, listen, if we're all hanging out, okay, and it's fucking six below zero, and I go, where's Doug? 0.99
00:30:44.000 Where the fuck is Doug? 0.99
00:30:45.000 Where's Doug? 0.99
00:30:45.000 Have you seen Doug? 0.99
00:30:46.000 I'm thinking, you blacked out when wandering off into the fucking Arctic. 1.00
00:30:50.000 I'm gonna go outside looking for you. 1.00
00:30:51.000 I would immediately. 0.99
00:30:52.000 If we were all hammered, if I knew we were fucked up, so she's leaving a bar, and she's fucked up, and her friends don't pay attention, she just curls up on the ground and dies? 0.98
00:31:00.000 Well, there's more to her personal story, but I'm using that as an extreme example of when you see chicks waiting in line at a bar, like Chilcoo Charlie's in Alaska, and there's a line around the block at midnight in the winter, 1.00
00:31:16.000 and it's freezing, but they're all dressed up horrishly in fishnets and whatever, because they'd rather be in agony than look bad.
00:31:25.000 Yeah.
00:31:25.000 Well, there's so much power.
00:31:27.000 If you're a girl with a hot body, and you have fishnets on, and you walk into a bar and you have black leather shorts and fishnets and high heels, and you have a nice ass and great legs, you are a queen. 0.98
00:31:40.000 I'm like, you are a god. 0.99
00:31:42.000 And you know what? 1.00
00:31:42.000 If you're a fat girl that can outlast her, you're gonna get the same fucking action. 1.00
00:31:48.000 It's not the same, Doug. 1.00
00:31:50.000 It is not.
00:31:51.000 For the lady, it's the same. 1.00
00:31:53.000 The girl with the fucking spandex. 1.00
00:31:55.000 She gets all the attention. 1.00
00:31:56.000 She might get on Instagram and get fucking millions of friends. 1.00
00:31:59.000 And Squarespace starts giving her money. 0.96
00:32:01.000 Millions of real, honest friends.
00:32:03.000 Like, salt of the earth, close to me.
00:32:05.000 No, no, no.
00:32:06.000 But enough.
00:32:07.000 It fills the void.
00:32:08.000 Like, it doesn't have to be raised that void.
00:32:11.000 I don't know.
00:32:11.000 The Kardashians made it.
00:32:13.000 Ugh.
00:32:14.000 I never speak their name. 1.00
00:32:15.000 Paris Hilton started that fire and then she fucking vanished before the bomb went off. 1.00
00:32:18.000 She got out. 0.99
00:32:19.000 She didn't vanish.
00:32:20.000 She got out.
00:32:20.000 She got out of the game.
00:32:22.000 Well, it's like, oh yeah, just like old comics.
00:32:25.000 They didn't get out of the game.
00:32:26.000 They got replaced.
00:32:27.000 Yeah, but I think she actually got out of the game. 0.81
00:32:29.000 She didn't need the money.
00:32:31.000 Well, she develops a bunch of business ventures that are extremely successful.
00:32:34.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:32:35.000 She makes a fucking ungodly amount of money and decided to lay back. 1.00
00:32:39.000 Well, she realized that ego has a horrible byproduct. 1.00
00:32:45.000 Yes.
00:32:45.000 That fame comes at a price, and the price became too much.
00:32:50.000 Definitely.
00:32:51.000 She didn't need to be seen with her beaver hanging out. 0.88
00:32:54.000 It's probably Britney Spears, but they're all the same.
00:32:56.000 Didn't they all do that, though? 1.00
00:32:57.000 There was a time where girls were just showing their pussy. 1.00
00:33:00.000 It was amazing times. 1.00
00:33:01.000 Right when social media first started popping, those girls were fucking gangster about it. 1.00
00:33:08.000 They just said, listen, I'm going to put a photographer in a place where no fucking photographer would ever be. 1.00
00:33:13.000 And I'm going to pretend that that guy just accidentally took pictures of my pussy. 1.00
00:33:18.000 Because who the fuck lets a guy get on his knees looking up your dress as you get out of a Bentley? 1.00
00:33:24.000 That shit doesn't happen. 1.00
00:33:25.000 That's not what happened. 1.00
00:33:27.000 They have people, they have security teams that rival the Secret Service to make sure that doesn't happen.
00:33:34.000 Yet it happened to you in the most flattering way on the day you weren't having your period and you shaved your bush.
00:33:41.000 How amazing the luck of that photographer.
00:33:45.000 They always shave their bush.
00:33:46.000 That's where porn won. 0.91
00:33:47.000 Porn just won.
00:33:49.000 If Amy Schumer... 1.00
00:33:51.000 Shaved her pussy? 1.00
00:33:52.000 Had some kind of paparazzi shot. 1.00
00:33:58.000 This is my Amy Schumer thing.
00:34:00.000 I know you don't want to get into the stealing jokes thing, because I don't know.
00:34:03.000 I'm out of the business.
00:34:05.000 It's a good business to be out of.
00:34:06.000 But when she started doing... 0.93
00:34:10.000 I'm going to pose naked with my three rolls of fat because that's what a woman really is in Hollywood. 1.00
00:34:17.000 It won't touch a person like that. 1.00
00:34:20.000 I have a fucking grotesquely hangy ball sack. 1.00
00:34:24.000 How bad? 1.00
00:34:25.000 And I wouldn't...
00:34:27.000 It's worse than most.
00:34:29.000 Do you remember Joey's from...
00:34:31.000 I don't know if you ever saw that picture. 0.99
00:34:33.000 But he has a huge cock. 0.99
00:34:33.000 I have that picture. 0.99
00:34:34.000 He's got a huge dick and ball sack. 1.00
00:34:36.000 Yeah, but if you have a huge dick to compensate for the ball sack, then it kind of looks all proportionate. 1.00
00:34:42.000 I have a small dick with hanging balls where one hangs way lower than the other, and I would never do some kind of Annie Leibovitz fucking photo spread going, you know what? 1.00
00:34:54.000 The porn industry... 1.00
00:34:56.000 It doesn't accept people. 1.00
00:34:58.000 But this is the reality of cock and balls, and I'm just going to show it. 0.99
00:35:02.000 You know what? 1.00
00:35:03.000 No one wants to fucking see it. 0.98
00:35:05.000 It bothers me that people... 0.99
00:35:09.000 It's not Hollywood that tells you what's attractive.
00:35:13.000 I think she's funny.
00:35:15.000 I think Amy Schumer is funny.
00:35:16.000 I actually watched her comedy special and laughed out loud alone on my lonely couch, but I was laughing out loud.
00:35:24.000 She's very funny.
00:35:25.000 She's funny on podcasts.
00:35:26.000 She's really funny on radio shows.
00:35:28.000 She's very quick.
00:35:29.000 I like her a lot.
00:35:30.000 Yeah.
00:35:31.000 But it's not just her, it's people who go, you have to accept my body style.
00:35:36.000 I didn't not accept it, I just didn't buy a magazine to see it.
00:35:40.000 Yeah, well, I get where they're coming from in a way, but like everything, there's like...
00:35:48.000 There's like places that it goes where I don't agree anymore.
00:35:52.000 And that's one of those things. 0.52
00:35:53.000 If she wants to be like, hey, look at my fat. 1.00
00:35:56.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00
00:35:57.000 High five. 1.00
00:35:58.000 Why not?
00:35:59.000 A guy can do it.
00:36:00.000 Joey can do it.
00:36:00.000 Joey does it all the time.
00:36:02.000 I mean, in one of the pictures that I had for Vegas that Jamie put together, Jamie made this picture.
00:36:07.000 It's Joey from like the Joey karate days when he was like at his heaviest.
00:36:12.000 He had this giant gut.
00:36:13.000 And he's got his shirt off.
00:36:14.000 And he's like doing karate moves.
00:36:16.000 I mean...
00:36:17.000 It's because it's funny.
00:36:18.000 I mean, if I support Joey being funny there, why wouldn't I support Amy?
00:36:23.000 Melissa McCarthy.
00:36:23.000 There's a picture.
00:36:24.000 Look at that fucking picture. 1.00
00:36:26.000 Look at him. 1.00
00:36:29.000 It's an ad for the MGM Grand.
00:36:31.000 We're there on March 4th.
00:36:33.000 But he's doing it to be funny as opposed to a woman that's Hollywood overweight trying to say, well, you know what? 0.63
00:36:42.000 This can be sexy, too.
00:36:44.000 Joey's not doing that to go, this is sexy, too.
00:36:48.000 As a fellow comic, I always have to look at it from the perspective of like, all right.
00:36:55.000 What is she trying to do? 0.73
00:36:57.000 Is she trying to be funny? 1.00
00:36:59.000 Or is she trying to say, I don't give a fuck? 1.00
00:37:01.000 She's doing one of those things, right? 1.00
00:37:03.000 And either one of those things is fine.
00:37:06.000 I'll tell you what she's... 0.98
00:37:08.000 My opinion of what she's doing is what I hope you fell into that I fell into when we were at that same age where we both started getting compared to Bill Hicks and getting too much fucking... 0.95
00:37:23.000 Hicks pressure? 0.98
00:37:24.000 Yes.
00:37:24.000 And you kind of try to live up to it.
00:37:26.000 I think she's so big that she feels like she is the voice for all females, because they're telling her she is, and she's probably overcompensating on some level.
00:37:38.000 Well, she's probably overwhelmed by the G-force of fame.
00:37:42.000 I mean, the G-force of fame that she's experienced, and she experienced it really quickly.
00:37:45.000 Like, Amy was on this show...
00:37:47.000 I get a Z-force of fame, and that was enough.
00:37:49.000 Not even two years ago, right?
00:37:50.000 So, less than a year and a half ago, she was nowhere near as famous as she is now. 0.99
00:37:55.000 Yeah, she's gonna go to Africa like Chappelle just to get away from this shit in a minute. 1.00
00:38:00.000 She's going to become trans black. 1.00
00:38:02.000 Does she have... 0.98
00:38:04.000 I don't even think she's like 30. Is she 30?
00:38:07.000 32, I think.
00:38:08.000 She's 32?
00:38:09.000 She's really young, man. 1.00
00:38:10.000 Look, when I was 32, I was fucking retarded. 0.99
00:38:13.000 I'm retarded now, and I'm 48. But that's back when Yoko Hicks used to fucking... 1.00
00:38:18.000 Hey, I was Bill Hicks' best friend, and I want to do a video with you. 0.99
00:38:23.000 Oh shit, I have to live up to that. 0.98
00:38:24.000 Yeah, well, there was always that. 1.00
00:38:26.000 Like, you'd get compared to it.
00:38:28.000 Like, this ain't like Hicks.
00:38:28.000 Like, oh my god, I can't be myself.
00:38:30.000 There was like, you didn't want to have your own sense of humor.
00:38:33.000 You wanted to live up to this void that was left behind. 0.98
00:38:37.000 There was a fucking great piece. 0.97
00:38:38.000 You know Jamie from the Atlanta Punchline? 0.99
00:38:41.000 No.
00:38:42.000 Great guy.
00:38:43.000 I ran into him at the Comedy Store the other day.
00:38:45.000 I'm sure I do know him, but I have no memory.
00:38:48.000 I guarantee you know.
00:38:48.000 Did you work at Atlanta?
00:38:49.000 Did you ever do the Punchline?
00:38:50.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:38:51.000 All I remember is bad shows. 0.96
00:38:52.000 Fucking one of the all-time best comedy clubs. 0.97
00:38:54.000 It was a great club. 0.99
00:38:55.000 They just went under.
00:38:57.000 Parking issue so they're moving to a new location, but they took apart the old place and saved pieces of the stage and saved pieces of the green room and the green room had like shitty fake wood paneling and on that would actually actually be wood it might be real wood paneling but anyway on it it said so he doesn't get sued no no because I'm gonna have it here Yeah,
00:39:21.000 there's one piece.
00:39:23.000 I said, can I please have the piece that says, quit trying to be Hicks.
00:39:28.000 I took a picture of it and I put it up on the line back when there was no Instagram.
00:39:32.000 They stole that from the Austin green room.
00:39:34.000 I don't think they did. 1.00
00:39:35.000 I think this was an old fucking club. 0.99
00:39:38.000 That club had been around forever, but everybody was saying that at the time. 0.99
00:39:41.000 There was a million half-assed hicks.
00:39:44.000 That's what you could call them.
00:39:45.000 Orators.
00:39:47.000 Yeah.
00:39:47.000 Well, like right now, there's like a hundred hotels.
00:39:50.000 There's so many guys who talk like Dave.
00:39:53.000 There's so many. 1.00
00:39:54.000 There's so many fucking hotels. 0.99
00:39:56.000 You know, there was a bunch of Patrice's when Patrice was alive. 0.99
00:39:59.000 There's a few Patrice's.
00:40:00.000 Quite a few Hedberg's.
00:40:01.000 Oh, yeah, man.
00:40:02.000 Well, they've kind of branched out into their own, which is what happens, man.
00:40:06.000 It's like, in the beginning, what's awkward is that we're watching it.
00:40:11.000 But we all kind of went through, like, I had a bad Richard Jennings period, man, where I was on stage, and I realized I was, you know, it was like open mic level one year in, and I was on stage, and myself, I was like, oh my god, I'm definitely stealing the way Richard Jennings talks.
00:40:26.000 Like, I was talking just like him.
00:40:28.000 The same cadence.
00:40:29.000 I wasn't even being myself.
00:40:30.000 But I realized that, like, just because I admired him and I was scared, I was trying to figure out how to do it on my own.
00:40:35.000 So, it becomes a lot of these guys, I think that's what happens.
00:40:39.000 Like, there's guys that have been compared to Hedberg that you can't really say that anymore.
00:40:43.000 Like, you watch him now and you go, oh, he's found his own little weird thing. 0.82
00:40:46.000 Well, Hannibal Buress, when I first saw Hannibal, he was fucking brilliant. 0.62
00:40:52.000 I go, wow, he sounds like Hedberg. 0.98
00:40:54.000 And then I go, I think Hedberg stole sounding black.
00:41:00.000 A little bit, man.
00:41:01.000 A little bit.
00:41:03.000 He had one of my all-time favorite jokes about bananas.
00:41:06.000 Someone said, do you want a frozen banana?
00:41:08.000 I said, no, but I want a regular banana later, so yes.
00:41:13.000 We were going through the litany of our favorite Hedberg and Nattels. 0.97
00:41:18.000 I don't have a girlfriend, but I do have a girl that would be very upset if she heard me say that. 1.00
00:41:25.000 Ha ha ha ha!
00:41:29.000 And I knew that girl. 0.99
00:41:31.000 His jokes, a lot of them were reality-based, even though that's probably why he hated the Stephen Wright comparison, where he was saying real shit. 0.99
00:41:43.000 He really did give free bread to a duck at Subway. 0.95
00:41:48.000 These things actually happened, and he wrote it in a way that was hilarious.
00:41:52.000 You were with him, sorry, when he wrote the joke about the tennis game.
00:41:56.000 Yeah, we played tennis down there.
00:42:01.000 His first Letterman special, he did the joke and he dropped my name and I was all excited.
00:42:07.000 I played tennis with my friend Doug and I realized no matter how good I get at tennis, I'll never be as good as a wall.
00:42:16.000 He had a gang of them, man.
00:42:19.000 He was just one of those guys, man.
00:42:21.000 Just very unique.
00:42:24.000 It's very hard to compare him to someone else.
00:42:28.000 He's just his own little weird category. 0.98
00:42:31.000 Fucking Shawcroft has so much unreleased footage and she's such a... 1.00
00:42:37.000 Scared to put it out. 0.99
00:42:38.000 I don't know.
00:42:39.000 Why wouldn't she put it out?
00:42:41.000 Well, because she wants his legacy to be right. 0.99
00:42:44.000 She's a fuck-up like all the rest of my comic friends. 1.00
00:42:47.000 She doesn't get around his shit. 1.00
00:42:49.000 So was it like stuff that he was working on? 0.99
00:42:51.000 He'd film everything.
00:42:52.000 Wow.
00:42:53.000 I have this 30 minute VHS he made me from like 1993 that he shot while we were on the road doing like Montana run triple gigs and Vancouver and he just shot and edited back in VHS days.
00:43:11.000 It wasn't computer era.
00:43:12.000 He had to actually sit and fucking edit this and titled it for me and... 0.96
00:43:17.000 Autographed the two minutes. 0.98
00:43:19.000 He's like breakdancing in the winter on some barren road on a piece of cardboard in Montana. 0.99
00:43:27.000 We're making out in a kitchen in some fucking comedy club in Surrey, BC. And we kiss in front of the cooks just to disturb them. 0.99
00:43:38.000 And he pauses on it and plays, I want to know what love is.
00:43:43.000 Just... 0.99
00:43:46.000 He was doing that shit, though, in 93, and we were co-headlining a B room, so we were co-middling, basically, for no money. 0.99
00:43:57.000 I remember the night we got paid. 0.99
00:43:59.000 We were afraid we weren't going to get paid because this club was definitely going under.
00:44:04.000 You could tell.
00:44:05.000 And we had to stay in the owner's house.
00:44:08.000 And the owner didn't even live there.
00:44:10.000 And there's stacks of dirty dishes higher than the sink.
00:44:14.000 And it's just this bare mattresses we're sleeping on in the basement. 0.97
00:44:18.000 And we're like, we're going to get fucked out of our money. 0.94
00:44:21.000 And this is when... 0.99
00:44:23.000 If you don't get paid, you don't get home.
00:44:25.000 That's your gas.
00:44:27.000 That's everything.
00:44:28.000 And we finally got paid, and then they're taking us out into downtown Vancouver.
00:44:33.000 Surrey's a suburb, and the door guys that were cool are going to take us out to party. 0.90
00:44:39.000 They were telling me how hot the hookers were in Vancouver. 0.98
00:44:45.000 Streetwalkers. 0.99
00:44:45.000 But no, they were. 0.99
00:44:47.000 We're driving past all these hookers. 1.00
00:44:50.000 I go, these are really streetwalker hookers? 1.00
00:44:52.000 Like, they're fucking, for me, A-game. 1.00
00:44:55.000 For you, not so much. 0.99
00:44:58.000 And I'm like, what's the minimum?
00:45:00.000 And whatever it was, they said like 50 bucks.
00:45:03.000 And I go, alright, here's, I think I got paid like 600 bucks or something.
00:45:08.000 I go, here's the rest of my money.
00:45:09.000 I'm just taking 50 bucks so I can't get ripped off.
00:45:12.000 Drop me off next to her and pick me up in half an hour.
00:45:16.000 So they drop me off.
00:45:17.000 I go up to her and the minimum is 100 bucks.
00:45:22.000 A minimum.
00:45:23.000 Yeah.
00:45:23.000 Well, I only have 50 because they told me it was 50. Nope.
00:45:28.000 So I just sit on a bus bench next to a hooker working a sidewalk for 29 more minutes waiting for my friends to come pick me up. 0.99
00:45:36.000 You're not broke. 0.97
00:45:36.000 Why would you go to a hooker with 50? 0.97
00:45:38.000 This is 1994, Cindy. 0.97
00:45:40.000 50 bucks?
00:45:41.000 That's what the guys who dropped me off told me. 0.99
00:45:44.000 I was fucking whatever. 0.97
00:45:46.000 How old were you? 0.98
00:45:47.000 94, so...
00:45:49.000 67, yeah.
00:45:53.000 Something.
00:45:54.000 Something along those lines. 1.00
00:45:55.000 I'll think about my dick. 1.00
00:45:57.000 Dick made the worst choices in my life. 1.00
00:46:01.000 Vancouver is one of the strangest fucking places. 1.00
00:46:04.000 Because it's Canada, but it's almost like America, Canada. 1.00
00:46:11.000 It's so Seattle.
00:46:12.000 It's right there.
00:46:14.000 Portland, Seattle.
00:46:16.000 Boom.
00:46:17.000 It's right there.
00:46:17.000 It's more San Francisco in the PC. Yeah.
00:46:22.000 Yeah.
00:46:24.000 There's a lot of wild people there, too.
00:46:26.000 Vancouver's got a lot of wild people. 0.99
00:46:28.000 Well, so does San Francisco, but the ones that are cunts are very... 1.00
00:46:32.000 It's almost like if Anchorage fucks San Francisco. 0.99
00:46:36.000 It would make Vancouver, right? 0.99
00:46:39.000 I was trying to think of a good heroin city, because there's a lot of heroin up there.
00:46:43.000 But in Anchorage or in Vancouver?
00:46:45.000 No, in Vancouver.
00:46:47.000 Yeah, there's huge heroin.
00:46:48.000 The place we play, Brian's never been there.
00:46:52.000 That's why he keeps booking me back there. 1.00
00:46:55.000 It's the rickshaw, and it's in the heroin district, which might as well be wherever all the fucking Syrian refugees go now. 1.00
00:47:05.000 If you've ever seen a full street flea market... 0.99
00:47:11.000 That's homeless people, like, every single inch of the entire street across the street from that gig is homeless tents, and you think, oh, is this an open-air market? 1.00
00:47:21.000 No, that's fucking homeless junkies. 0.99
00:47:24.000 The entire sidewalk for four blocks is just wandering vagabond junkie street people. 1.00
00:47:33.000 I don't want to, uh...
00:47:34.000 Look at this.
00:47:35.000 Look at the picture. 1.00
00:47:37.000 Oh, fuck yeah! 1.00
00:47:38.000 That's nuts. 1.00
00:47:39.000 Can I just say it's a very good deal.
00:47:42.000 How so?
00:47:44.000 You get what you pay for in this world, right?
00:47:46.000 No, no, the door deal.
00:47:47.000 The door deal.
00:47:48.000 The door deal.
00:47:49.000 It's all standing.
00:47:50.000 Jesus Christ.
00:47:52.000 No, that's an actual restaurant.
00:47:54.000 So do you tell him, hey man, this place blows.
00:47:58.000 Generally I do, but sometimes I don't remember.
00:48:00.000 I explain the financial alternatives.
00:48:04.000 Financial.
00:48:05.000 Yeah, you can't let that get involved in your business.
00:48:09.000 No.
00:48:09.000 Can't let the financial alternatives get involved in your business.
00:48:13.000 Standing out in that back alley smoking and you're literally going, can I get some duct tape from my pant legs?
00:48:20.000 Because those rats are running so rampantly that you're just thinking, oh, that could run up my leg.
00:48:26.000 There's that many of them?
00:48:27.000 And raw sewage, like thick raw sewage. 0.99
00:48:30.000 I was just thinking about the poor hooker working for $50. 1.00
00:48:33.000 I keep fixating on that. 0.58
00:48:34.000 No, it was $100.
00:48:35.000 I get lied to.
00:48:36.000 That was 1994. But you thought it was $50.
00:48:37.000 There has to be a girl out there that was working for $50. 1.00
00:48:41.000 Did you ever drive through Utah and you go through a drive-through in St. George and there's this perfect platinum blonde 19-year-old working the drive-through and you go, what the fuck are you doing here? 0.99
00:48:53.000 Well, because they all look that good. 0.98
00:48:55.000 Oh.
00:48:57.000 I didn't get to Utah until I was in my 40s.
00:49:01.000 Well, you haven't lived.
00:49:05.000 You know what I do love, though, is Salt Lake City, like doing stand-up in Salt Lake City.
00:49:09.000 It's like everything has got like a little extra kick to it.
00:49:12.000 Because they don't get it.
00:49:13.000 Yeah.
00:49:14.000 I mean, they get it.
00:49:15.000 They don't get it there.
00:49:16.000 That type of entertainment, so the ones that are into it are...
00:49:20.000 Yeah.
00:49:20.000 It's like playing the Antarctic, which I really want to do.
00:49:23.000 The Antarctic.
00:49:23.000 Wow.
00:49:24.000 That space station. 1.00
00:49:26.000 The fucking... 1.00
00:49:27.000 Arctic station. 1.00
00:49:29.000 Whatever it is.
00:49:30.000 Yeah.
00:49:31.000 Yeah.
00:49:31.000 I watched a documentary on that place.
00:49:34.000 McMurdo, isn't it?
00:49:36.000 McMurdo.
00:49:37.000 I think everybody gets it now.
00:49:40.000 There's like pockets of people everywhere that get it.
00:49:42.000 So Salt Lake City, it's not just a giant Mormon stronghold.
00:49:47.000 It's also a bunch of people that just live there.
00:49:49.000 And it's beautiful.
00:49:50.000 But they have the stigma.
00:49:52.000 Oh, yeah.
00:49:53.000 So people might...
00:49:58.000 Yes, exactly.
00:49:59.000 And they're like, no, we're better now!
00:50:01.000 Well, it's a good spot because of all those things, because it's underrated, because everyone's so scared that it's a cult city. 0.99
00:50:10.000 And it is a fucking cult city, by the way. 0.99
00:50:12.000 I arrived at the airport a few months back. 1.00
00:50:17.000 Landed, as we're going down the escalator, you see these fucking people, welcome back, Elder Michael. 0.99
00:50:23.000 Like, welcome back. 0.99
00:50:24.000 They call them elders! 0.99
00:50:25.000 They're fucking 20, and they're calling them elders. 0.99
00:50:28.000 And they're coming back from convincing some people that don't even have, like, clean water. 0.99
00:50:32.000 That they need to embrace the Mormon doctrine.
00:50:37.000 That's why your water's dirty.
00:50:39.000 Joseph Smith hasn't been here.
00:50:40.000 It's so bizarre, man.
00:50:42.000 It's so bizarre.
00:50:43.000 They make them do it.
00:50:44.000 They make them go to these...
00:50:45.000 That's like part of their gig is that they have to proselytize.
00:50:48.000 They have to go to these weird places.
00:50:50.000 And missions. 0.99
00:50:51.000 Yeah, it's fucking nuts, man. 0.99
00:50:53.000 A comic friend of mine went on the Tabernacle Tour. 0.99
00:50:56.000 What's that?
00:50:58.000 Touring the Mormon Tabernacle.
00:51:00.000 And they have a tour, just like the Vatican would, and you can tour the Tabernacle.
00:51:04.000 And he just kept asking about the Mormon Meadows Massacre in, I think it was 1857. I know it was 9-11, where they murdered, the Mormons murdered all these people.
00:51:16.000 Whoa. 0.99
00:51:17.000 Yeah, it's a fucking unknown story, but Google it at home. 0.99
00:51:21.000 Mormon's Meadows Massacre. 0.98
00:51:22.000 So, yeah, but what about that Mormon's Meadows? 0.62
00:51:25.000 And they finally, someone pulled him aside.
00:51:28.000 Sir, I'd like to show you something this way. 0.99
00:51:30.000 And they showed him right out the fucking door, because he wouldn't stop with the Mormon's Meadows Massacre. 0.97
00:51:36.000 Did you know all about Mitt Romney? 0.99
00:51:38.000 Did you know the whole Mexico thing?
00:51:40.000 No.
00:51:41.000 Oh, I'm gonna tell you something so beautiful.
00:51:44.000 Mitt Romney's family.
00:51:46.000 Like, Mitt Romney's dad wanted to be president, but he couldn't be president because he was born in Mexico.
00:51:50.000 Because Mitt Romney's family fleed to Mexico when they made polygamy illegal. 1.00
00:51:57.000 When they made it illegal to marry a bunch of chicks, which is a part of their church, they went, fuck you, we're going to Mexico. 1.00
00:52:03.000 Because back in the 1800s, it didn't mean anything to live in the United States or Mexico, because everybody's on a fucking horse. 1.00
00:52:08.000 It's not like being on a horse over here is way more awesome than being on a horse over here. 1.00
00:52:12.000 It's bullshit. 0.99
00:52:12.000 You go back and forth as you will. 0.99
00:52:14.000 I'm near a running stream.
00:52:15.000 I'm better than you.
00:52:16.000 That's all that mattered.
00:52:17.000 Especially in the 1800s.
00:52:19.000 The border was nothing.
00:52:20.000 It was non-existent.
00:52:21.000 So they didn't want to adhere to the new United States laws against their religious freedom to marry 15-12 year olds.
00:52:28.000 So they decided to move to Mexico. 0.99
00:52:30.000 So his whole fucking family's from Mexico. 1.00
00:52:32.000 Mitt Romney's family, his dad's from Mexico, his mom's from Mexico, they're all a part of the Mormon cult from down there. 1.00
00:52:40.000 Or religion, as it were. 0.99
00:52:42.000 But they have fucking guns and they fight off the cartel because they get kidnapped. 1.00
00:52:46.000 There's a bunch of fucking crazy shit that goes on down there. 1.00
00:52:49.000 There's a couple of different families. 1.00
00:52:51.000 And Vice went down there and did a doc on it.
00:52:54.000 Notice how I say doc because I'm in the industry. 0.99
00:52:57.000 I like to abbreviate shit. 0.99
00:52:58.000 It makes me look cool. 0.99
00:52:59.000 Twitter trains you to abbreviate.
00:53:02.000 I know, it's terrible.
00:53:03.000 No, it's good.
00:53:03.000 They did one of their hours, one of their videos online.
00:53:06.000 I'll just say that.
00:53:07.000 Good.
00:53:07.000 And it was all about these Mormons that live in Mexico still.
00:53:12.000 They have a fucking compound. 1.00
00:53:14.000 Like an armed, Waco-style compound. 1.00
00:53:16.000 And that's where he came from.
00:53:18.000 So essentially, it's like that guy from David Koresh. 0.73
00:53:21.000 Imagine David Koresh's son, okay?
00:53:24.000 Moves to Mexico and runs for president.
00:53:27.000 That is what it's like.
00:53:29.000 It's, like, that similar. 0.93
00:53:31.000 I mean, obviously, like, David Koresh, I guess, like, shot some federal agents and shit like that, so it gets a little trickier. 0.52
00:53:37.000 This branches out into a whole bunch of... 0.99
00:53:40.000 Yeah, but these fucking people, they have guns, and they have to fight off the bad guys in Mexico. 0.99
00:53:46.000 Like, they're stuck down there. 1.00
00:53:47.000 Like, this is where they've decided to, like, white people that look like they're from fucking Utah and they're living in Mexico. 1.00
00:53:54.000 It's weird as fuck, man. 1.00
00:53:55.000 It's really weird. 0.99
00:53:57.000 It's real weird.
00:53:58.000 But if we started to compound it because our opinions are not popular. 1.00
00:54:03.000 Fuck this. 1.00
00:54:04.000 I'm gonna go to some other country or place where no one fucks with us and we're gonna have this Death Valley party for life. 1.00
00:54:13.000 Why not? 0.95
00:54:14.000 Definitely why not. 1.00
00:54:15.000 And you can't blame Mitt Romney for having fucked up parents. 1.00
00:54:18.000 He's not... 1.00
00:54:20.000 Down there fucking 12-year-olds. 1.00
00:54:22.000 He's not Warren Jeffs. 1.00
00:54:24.000 Well, you can't even blame David Koresh. 0.99
00:54:26.000 If David Koresh got into a situation where he had a bunch of people and he made them all have their wives sleep with them, like, that's fucking his con. 0.86
00:54:34.000 If you stop calling it a cult and start calling it a fan base, all of a sudden you're living the free-market American dream. 0.93
00:54:43.000 Yeah, the problem is you label it.
00:54:45.000 It's all about the nomenclature.
00:54:47.000 You gotta label it correctly.
00:54:50.000 That's what the whole Scientology thing was about, the nomenclature of whether it's a church or whether it's so...
00:54:55.000 Yeah.
00:54:55.000 That Koresh guy was, like, charismatic, and he had a lot of fans.
00:54:59.000 Right.
00:54:59.000 Yeah.
00:55:00.000 That's really what it is.
00:55:00.000 They believe him if they're having a good time?
00:55:02.000 Who's to say his comedy stinks?
00:55:04.000 Yeah, and, like, these guys, if they want to stay, a deal's a deal. 1.00
00:55:08.000 You gotta let the cult leader fuck your wife. 1.00
00:55:11.000 That's just how it goes. 1.00
00:55:13.000 And it's not like we can't do the same thing in comedy.
00:55:16.000 Hey, sorry, buddy.
00:55:17.000 She came with me after the show.
00:55:21.000 Jesus says it's okay, man.
00:55:23.000 Brenda, did you really leave with that comedian?
00:55:26.000 How terrible.
00:55:27.000 I'm leaving this cult. 1.00
00:55:30.000 It's funny that even in 2016, there's ones that we'll buy and do, and ones that were like, pfft, that one's fucking stupid. 1.00
00:55:39.000 You know? 1.00
00:55:39.000 There's like, as a culture, as a society, there's like, we get the main ones. 1.00
00:55:43.000 It's almost like political parties. 0.55
00:55:45.000 Because it's just as ridiculous to have the Democrats, or the Libertarians, or the Green Party, or... 0.99
00:55:51.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00
00:55:52.000 Just having leaders is ridiculous. 1.00
00:55:55.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous. 0.99
00:55:55.000 All of it's ridiculous. 0.99
00:55:56.000 It's all some... 1.00
00:55:58.000 Ancient hominid bullshit that we have stuck in our genetics. 1.00
00:56:01.000 We think we have to have one leader that stands over all of us and fucking wears a special suit and puts his hand up. 1.00
00:56:09.000 We all applaud. 1.00
00:56:10.000 It's retarded. 1.00
00:56:10.000 It's retarded. 1.00
00:56:11.000 It's ancient. 0.95
00:56:12.000 It's so archaic. 1.00
00:56:13.000 It's just fucking stupid. 1.00
00:56:15.000 Yeah, but if you're the first guy to not... 1.00
00:56:19.000 Then you're a dildo. 0.98
00:56:20.000 Well, someone's gonna have to figure out how to break it. 0.99
00:56:23.000 Like, they're gonna have to...
00:56:24.000 It almost is gonna take...
00:56:26.000 And you know what it's gonna take?
00:56:27.000 No one running for president.
00:56:28.000 A charismatic leader.
00:56:31.000 Unfortunately.
00:56:32.000 And there you go. 1.00
00:56:33.000 You'd have to get a charismatic leader that definitely didn't want to fuck. 0.99
00:56:37.000 Listen, absolutely, everyone follow me in not following me. 0.99
00:56:42.000 Yes, that's the move.
00:56:43.000 People don't want to fend for themselves.
00:56:46.000 I think we're gonna have to come up with, in our lifetime, people are gonna realize that there's a lot of things that are just in place that we were born with, and the people that set them up, they just did not have access to the information that they needed to form those decisions.
00:57:02.000 Like, the reason why they started off the Electoral College and all the bullshit that we have to contend with today is because it made sense in 1776. It made sense.
00:57:12.000 They were just trying to piece together this thing, but to stick with that, To stick with that today.
00:57:16.000 Every time someone says, you know what, in the Constitution it says, well, you know what, if you can make a better constitution, make it.
00:57:24.000 If you can make, if that's, you gotta progress.
00:57:27.000 I think there's a bunch of things we have to agree on if we want to call ourselves America. 0.99
00:57:31.000 Because otherwise, we become some, like, you know, we become like a fucking... 0.96
00:57:38.000 Become like the man show with you and I versus the man show with Adam and Jimmy. 0.95
00:57:42.000 You become something different with the same name. 0.99
00:57:45.000 It's like, what is this fucking thing? 0.99
00:57:47.000 This is not what I signed up for. 0.99
00:57:49.000 Everybody signed up for America, and the idea of America is supposed to be freedom of speech.
00:57:53.000 That's like a big one, right? 0.99
00:57:54.000 But how many people today are in trouble for talking about shit? 0.99
00:57:59.000 I mean, how many people today are in trouble for revealing information or talking out about things that they feel... 0.99
00:58:06.000 Ellsberg versus Snowden, or...
00:58:09.000 Yeah.
00:58:10.000 Chelsea Manning.
00:58:11.000 Sure, yeah. 1.00
00:58:12.000 Ellsberg's a fucking hero. 0.99
00:58:13.000 I like how you went with Chelsea. 0.99
00:58:15.000 Yeah.
00:58:15.000 I like how you did the correct gender.
00:58:17.000 I did.
00:58:18.000 Yes, good boy. 1.00
00:58:19.000 I had a long night full of stimulants and Viagra, and the fucking chick I thought was a short thing... 1.00
00:58:26.000 Turned out to be a dude? 1.00
00:58:27.000 No, no, no.
00:58:28.000 Bailed out, so...
00:58:30.000 Oh, you researched.
00:58:31.000 Yeah, so I was online.
00:58:32.000 No.
00:58:32.000 Just going, hey, Eros guide, is that a dude?
00:58:35.000 I can't tell if that's a dude from the picture.
00:58:37.000 I'm just going to not call. 0.99
00:58:40.000 Sometimes better than you porn is looking up hookers you could actually get and then jerking off knowing, you know what, for 800 bucks I could get her, but I'd have to wait 35 minutes. 0.99
00:58:50.000 If you really think the girl in that photo is actually going to come to your door, they should take your credit card and sell it to India. 0.99
00:58:58.000 They really should. 0.96
00:58:59.000 Whatever they do to your credit card, when you fucking call and leave that Visa card for the deposit, they got you. 0.95
00:59:06.000 I love that people actually buy credit card protection without knowing that, you know what, if you didn't sign for it, it's the credit card that's eating it, not you. 0.95
00:59:15.000 Where I went to the Bahamas once and came back and there was a charge for $7,000 plus for porcelain tile.
00:59:25.000 Yeah, that's what I do when I'm on vacation.
00:59:28.000 I buy porcelain kitchen tile.
00:59:31.000 $7,000 worth of it. 1.00
00:59:32.000 Yeah, and the fucking credit card company eats it. 1.00
00:59:35.000 Wow. 1.00
00:59:36.000 Because that's what they have to do.
00:59:38.000 That's interesting.
00:59:39.000 Did anyone steal your identity or steal your credit card?
00:59:42.000 We'll protect you against that. 1.00
00:59:44.000 No, the fucking visa will eat it. 1.00
00:59:46.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:59:47.000 Just leave that shit laying out, and then I'll say, I didn't sign for it. 1.00
00:59:52.000 I have this idea about information that money, essentially, it doesn't really mean anything anymore, right? 0.99
00:59:59.000 It's not backed by gold.
01:00:00.000 It's just all stored up on a computer somewhere.
01:00:03.000 We agree that $100 is $100.
01:00:05.000 Right.
01:00:06.000 So that's data.
01:00:07.000 It's not a theory, it's a fact.
01:00:09.000 But it's data.
01:00:10.000 It's just ones and zeros.
01:00:11.000 There's no physical thing.
01:00:13.000 Well, the thing, what's happened with technology is technology is bringing people and ideas closer together quicker.
01:00:20.000 Like, if you have an idea, you tweet it, a fucking hundred thousand people might get a hold of that idea within a couple of seconds, right?
01:00:27.000 Videos.
01:00:27.000 You put up a video, it gets crazy, it gets viral.
01:00:29.000 A million people might see it in a day or two.
01:00:31.000 The more technology improves, the quicker and easier it is to get to people.
01:00:36.000 The quicker and easier it is to communicate.
01:00:38.000 Well, money is information.
01:00:39.000 And communication is just about information.
01:00:41.000 We might come a time where the bottleneck is money.
01:00:45.000 Like, we can't have possessions in order to be this one.
01:00:49.000 In order to everyone connect together in some sort of a weird, artificial evolution-induced...
01:00:58.000 Like, connection to technology that we're inevitably gonna have.
01:01:01.000 It's coming.
01:01:02.000 It's gonna happen.
01:01:03.000 The bottleneck might be money.
01:01:05.000 I think we're gonna get to a point where the money's not real.
01:01:08.000 You said I should have been trippin' instead of drinking, because I have no idea what you said, but I nodded a lot.
01:01:15.000 I think we're gonna get to a point where there's no more money.
01:01:18.000 I think that's what's gonna happen.
01:01:21.000 We're gonna get to some weird point We're going to get to a lot of weird points that we're not going to be here for.
01:01:27.000 And the difference is you have kids, so you worry about it a little bit more than I do.
01:01:32.000 Probably.
01:01:33.000 You go, wow.
01:01:33.000 I mean, everything from a hundred years ago that you could not possibly imagine that are happening now.
01:01:41.000 Yeah.
01:01:42.000 It is happening now. 0.75
01:01:43.000 Yeah, so a lot of weird shit we can't even imagine will happen, and I just won't be here for it.
01:01:48.000 But isn't it really cool at the same time? 0.70
01:01:50.000 Yes.
01:01:51.000 It's not negative.
01:01:53.000 No, it's not.
01:01:54.000 Even the loss of money, this idea...
01:01:57.000 It's the negative people that are the problem. 0.99
01:01:59.000 We're global warming, and yeah, shit's going to go underwater, and it's not going to be the Maldives anymore, but it's going to be warmer in Wisconsin and... 0.99
01:02:07.000 You know what? 1.00
01:02:08.000 You shouldn't be fucking and having that many kids next to a coastline. 1.00
01:02:12.000 Katrina. 1.00
01:02:13.000 Oh, we're gonna rebuild New Orleans.
01:02:14.000 Oh, the water's rising and you live under the sea level. 1.00
01:02:18.000 Fuck you. 1.00
01:02:19.000 You know what? 1.00
01:02:20.000 Drown your kids, you fucking asshole. 1.00
01:02:22.000 Wow. 1.00
01:02:23.000 This is outrageous.
01:02:24.000 You're not going to get to host our event now.
01:02:26.000 We're going to have you emcee our event.
01:02:28.000 And after that, we have rescinded our offer, Mr. Stanhope.
01:02:32.000 That's great.
01:02:33.000 We cannot endorse your lifestyle.
01:02:36.000 Here's one thing.
01:02:37.000 Hey, drinkers out there, if you're going to bring your own booze and pour it into a Canada Dry Club soda bottle and you're mixing it with club soda, make sure you realize which club soda is vodka. 0.99
01:02:49.000 I just poured a whole fuckload of vodka in this, thinking it was a This shit could get real. 0.99
01:02:54.000 Oh my god. 0.99
01:02:56.000 I could say the wrong thing.
01:02:57.000 That's a lot of vodka.
01:02:58.000 That's a lot of vodka.
01:03:00.000 Oh, no, no.
01:03:00.000 A lot of it's ice.
01:03:02.000 Sorry. 1.00
01:03:03.000 You're a fucking pro. 1.00
01:03:04.000 I know. 1.00
01:03:04.000 As long as I don't try to smoke your weed. 1.00
01:03:07.000 Then things go south.
01:03:09.000 It could be worse.
01:03:09.000 He could be drinking himself sober.
01:03:12.000 It's been a long week.
01:03:14.000 What were you just talking about?
01:03:18.000 You were just saying something that was really interesting. 0.99
01:03:20.000 What the fuck did you just say just before that? 0.99
01:03:22.000 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 1.00
01:03:24.000 About worrying about the future more because I have children.
01:03:27.000 That's probably true.
01:03:28.000 But you know what?
01:03:29.000 It's not just that.
01:03:30.000 It's not even necessarily worrying.
01:03:31.000 It's about, like, if I see a pattern.
01:03:34.000 And I see some things happening.
01:03:36.000 Like, I see a bunch of things that are moving in a certain direction.
01:03:39.000 Because, just like you, I don't have a conventional job. 0.93
01:03:43.000 I'm not overwhelmed with having to do shit that other people want me to do. 0.98
01:03:47.000 So most of my day is spent thinking about shit that I want to think about. 0.97
01:03:50.000 So when I look at this whole weird pattern, I'm like, what are we doing? 0.99
01:03:54.000 Like, what is this society doing? 0.92
01:03:56.000 We're some weird fucking builder creature that's making better and better technology every year. 0.95
01:04:01.000 Because that's ultimately what we're doing. 1.00
01:04:03.000 Forget about all the shit about the Kardashians and all the shit about the Democrats and the liberals and transgender rights. 0.99
01:04:11.000 We're making better and better technology. 0.99
01:04:13.000 All that other stuff just allows us to have fun while we're doing it. 0.98
01:04:16.000 It just creates conflict and resolutions and $50 hookers and all that shit just rolls up together. 0.83
01:04:24.000 But at the end of the day, what we're doing is making better and better technology. 0.96
01:04:28.000 That's all we're doing.
01:04:29.000 That's the one constant.
01:04:30.000 If we stay alive, we innovate.
01:04:33.000 If we stay alive, we keep going. 1.00
01:04:34.000 But if innovation, if you have to keep making more shit just to make people buy more shit, isn't this shit we have enough? 0.99
01:04:44.000 Exactly. 1.00
01:04:45.000 It's true.
01:04:45.000 Yeah, it is rough.
01:04:46.000 For us, since we live a comfortable lifestyle.
01:04:49.000 There was some story today where if the 62 richest Americans gave away most of their wealth, everyone would live above the poverty line.
01:05:01.000 And you go, but then there would be a new poverty line.
01:05:04.000 So then those people, at what point do you go, well, I'm rich enough. 1.00
01:05:11.000 We get enough shit. 1.00
01:05:12.000 I live above the poverty line because Zuckerberg gave me a bunch of shit. 1.00
01:05:17.000 And now I live in a one bedroom instead of a tent or a cardboard box. 1.00
01:05:22.000 Well, then now you live in a one bedroom and you see the guy in the two bedroom and you go, fucking dick. 1.00
01:05:28.000 Exactly. 1.00
01:05:29.000 That's what's going to happen.
01:05:29.000 I'm below the poverty line again.
01:05:32.000 Yeah, you're not going to enjoy your studio apartment. 1.00
01:05:34.000 Fuck that guy with his fucking two bedroom. 1.00
01:05:36.000 You asshole. 1.00
01:05:37.000 You rich asshole. 1.00
01:05:38.000 Poverty line is a statistic just like football. 1.00
01:05:40.000 Well, there's a problem with getting shit for free. 0.99
01:05:43.000 There's always a problem with getting shit for free. 0.99
01:05:45.000 It's not a problem. 0.99
01:05:46.000 I know.
01:05:47.000 You porn I thought was going to give me a cease and desist going... 0.76
01:05:50.000 Enough! 1.00
01:05:53.000 This is like free samples at the Safeway, and you just grab the whole fucking tray and ate them all at once? 1.00
01:05:59.000 You fucking asshole. 1.00
01:06:01.000 Stop with your cocaine and your Viagra. 1.00
01:06:03.000 Well, don't they...
01:06:04.000 I don't know if this is true, but you can tell me.
01:06:07.000 Don't they, like...
01:06:09.000 Isn't there like a conflict in the porn industry where the porn people aren't getting paid for those movies and they put them up for free and so like people shouldn't be supporting like those sites like there's like a there's like a dispute and a debate almost like the Napster days when what's his face from Metallica would get really mad.
01:06:31.000 Lars, Earl Rich. 0.99
01:06:32.000 Fucking it. 1.00
01:06:33.000 People still hate that guy from that. 1.00
01:06:35.000 I do.
01:06:36.000 I always swore if I ever saw him in a show, I would have him escorted out.
01:06:40.000 And then one time, you were with me in Mill Valley, the other guy, Kurt something, Hetfield, or whatever his name is.
01:06:47.000 He was there, Mill Valley. 0.98
01:06:49.000 He was there, and I said, I always swore if that fucking Lars guy was here, and you're close enough, but I'm not gonna throw you out, and I just started giving him shit about... 0.90
01:06:56.000 I was, like, the first comic on Napster, like, they had a homepage where... 0.92
01:07:03.000 They'd feature an artist right before they shut him down.
01:07:07.000 Yeah, that's right. 1.00
01:07:08.000 And that was the first comic feature when people first started finding my shit underground and then they shut it down because of that fucking Lars cunt. 0.99
01:07:17.000 And they made their bones off of people bootlegging cassette tapes of them because they couldn't get radio play. 1.00
01:07:25.000 You're shitting on what made you, you fucking little Weasley. 1.00
01:07:29.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:07:30.000 Is he Norwegian?
01:07:31.000 What is he?
01:07:32.000 I don't know.
01:07:33.000 Danish.
01:07:34.000 Whatever it is.
01:07:34.000 There's no need to disparage an entire race of people just because of one man's actions, Douglas.
01:07:40.000 One man. 1.00
01:07:41.000 He fucked up. 1.00
01:07:42.000 He definitely didn't have good friends. 1.00
01:07:43.000 He definitely didn't have somebody who would give him some good advice. 1.00
01:07:46.000 I'd litter, too, and I'd kill the whole Indian race just for that one crying fucking guy on that commercial. 1.00
01:07:52.000 Sorry, that was a stretch. 1.00
01:07:53.000 That one didn't.
01:07:54.000 Well, whatever.
01:07:55.000 Sorry.
01:07:55.000 I don't point at every one of your jokes.
01:07:57.000 It's true.
01:07:58.000 Ladies and gentlemen, if we fail, it's not because we didn't try.
01:08:02.000 Okay?
01:08:02.000 Don't get mad.
01:08:04.000 Aren't they still mad?
01:08:05.000 There's only 444,000 hours of a Joe Rogan podcast you can fast-forward to.
01:08:12.000 How do you do this?
01:08:14.000 It's not hard.
01:08:15.000 No, but I'm saying you put out like 48 podcasts a week and then you wrestle guys and then you do MMA and then you do 85 hours of stand-up and then...
01:08:25.000 I have my own kind of crazy.
01:08:28.000 I got my own kind of crazy to deal with.
01:08:30.000 Do you sleep?
01:08:30.000 Are you one of those guys who sleeps two hours a night?
01:08:32.000 No, I sleep good.
01:08:33.000 I like to sleep solid six, seven hours a night.
01:08:35.000 I'm not saying how do you sleep at night.
01:08:37.000 I got to get eight.
01:08:39.000 What do you mean?
01:08:39.000 Am I like, do I have a problem sleeping?
01:08:41.000 No, I'm saying, do you have like, off hours?
01:08:45.000 I want to, this is my goal in life, and I've essentially achieved it.
01:08:50.000 I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
01:08:52.000 Within reason, within moral and ethical obligations, the law and all that kind of stuff. 0.98
01:08:56.000 But I don't want, if I decide I want to go to bed at 5 o'clock in the morning, I don't want to hear shit from anybody. 0.91
01:09:03.000 Like, I don't want anybody telling me you can't go to bed at 5 o'clock in the morning, you can't sleep till 2 in the afternoon. 0.97
01:09:08.000 Why not?
01:09:09.000 Tell me why not.
01:09:10.000 Why can't I wake up at noon?
01:09:12.000 Why? 1.00
01:09:12.000 Who the fuck are you? 1.00
01:09:13.000 It's just stupid. 1.00
01:09:14.000 So all my life I've wanted to get to a place where I could go to bed when I wanted to go to bed, within reason, and wake up whenever I want to wake up. 0.99
01:09:21.000 So then if I decide to get up early, because I have to see my kids at school...
01:09:27.000 I decide.
01:09:28.000 It's not because I have a boss.
01:09:29.000 It's because I want to.
01:09:30.000 Because I want to get up.
01:09:31.000 I have an obligation to be with the kids, and I enjoy it, and I want to hang out with them.
01:09:36.000 I think that if you've got a goal in life, the goal shouldn't be be as successful as you can be.
01:09:44.000 It's not a money thing. 0.98
01:09:46.000 The goal is to make it as much like what shit you would normally do. 0.99
01:09:52.000 But you're a driven guy. 0.99
01:09:54.000 My point is the opposite.
01:09:55.000 You're always driven to do something. 0.99
01:09:59.000 It's the same shit every time I talk to a tell. 1.00
01:10:03.000 Why don't you just take a vacation and just go fucking sit on a beach somewhere because he's always... 1.00
01:10:09.000 You're positive. 1.00
01:10:10.000 Attell's always negative. 0.98
01:10:11.000 I stink. 0.84
01:10:12.000 I listen to my set. 0.84
01:10:13.000 My CD's no good.
01:10:15.000 Everything stinks.
01:10:16.000 He makes me sad like that because he's so brilliant.
01:10:18.000 He's such a nice guy.
01:10:19.000 I can't imagine either of you going to a remote beach and relaxing.
01:10:25.000 Oh, I relax.
01:10:26.000 I know how to do that now.
01:10:27.000 I learned how to do that.
01:10:28.000 Give me an example.
01:10:30.000 I go on vacations.
01:10:31.000 Where?
01:10:32.000 What's the last one?
01:10:33.000 Costa Rica went like six months ago with the family.
01:10:36.000 Had a great time.
01:10:37.000 Did some zip lining. 0.99
01:10:38.000 Fucking hung out. 1.00
01:10:39.000 Fed some monkeys. 1.00
01:10:40.000 Nice.
01:10:40.000 There was this thing called...
01:10:41.000 We called it a Pikachu.
01:10:42.000 I forget what it's called.
01:10:43.000 I think it's called a...
01:10:44.000 Somethingcito.
01:10:47.000 Somethingcito.
01:10:48.000 But it looks like a little raccoon. 0.98
01:10:49.000 But they're fucking super tame because they were hanging around this resort. 0.98
01:10:52.000 And they're just used to vacationers. 0.99
01:10:54.000 So they come right up to you and we were feeding them grapes and shit. 0.98
01:10:57.000 And he got so comfortable with us. 0.99
01:10:58.000 He took a nap in front of us. 1.00
01:10:59.000 Fucking thing's lying there. 1.00
01:11:00.000 Lying down with his fucking... 1.00
01:11:01.000 Legs up in the air. 1.00
01:11:02.000 It was awesome.
01:11:04.000 Monkey screaming at you.
01:11:05.000 Screaming at you.
01:11:06.000 Coming over, trying to get food from you. 1.00
01:11:08.000 Chuck them some fucking Oreos. 1.00
01:11:09.000 They open the Oreo up and they eat the white part just like a little kid would. 1.00
01:11:13.000 Like, whoa, how many Oreos have you eaten, monkey?
01:11:17.000 So I go on vacation.
01:11:18.000 I go on a lot of them, actually, now.
01:11:20.000 Not a lot of them.
01:11:21.000 Every time you talk about coming to Bisbee, I go, you'd be so bored here. 0.99
01:11:25.000 We'd do some fun shit. 0.99
01:11:26.000 You know what we'd do? 0.99
01:11:27.000 Go get some archery tags for some javelinas and go fuck up some javelinas. 0.99
01:11:32.000 Wow. 0.99
01:11:33.000 I am against hunting.
01:11:35.000 Not against it.
01:11:36.000 I personally couldn't do it. 1.00
01:11:38.000 But a javelin, I could kill that motherfucker. 1.00
01:11:41.000 Yeah, you could do it. 1.00
01:11:41.000 They're rotten beasts. 1.00
01:11:43.000 Well, when you told me that one killed your neighbor's dog. 1.00
01:11:46.000 Yeah, killed the fucking... 1.00
01:11:47.000 Then they hang around in packs. 1.00
01:11:49.000 They're like coyotes. 1.00
01:11:50.000 They're fucking awful. 1.00
01:11:51.000 They're little demons. 1.00
01:11:53.000 They're little demons. 0.57
01:11:54.000 If they didn't exist, if they weren't real, you'd be like, whoa, these are cat-eating, dog-eating little demons.
01:11:59.000 They just don't have the courage to go after a person.
01:12:02.000 But they would if your child was out there.
01:12:04.000 They're blind.
01:12:05.000 If somebody put a baby on the side of a Toyota Tundra and just drove a few hundred miles on the road and just left that baby there for an hour and those peccaries, that's what they are.
01:12:14.000 They're peccaries. 0.97
01:12:15.000 They're not even pigs. 0.99
01:12:16.000 Javelin, everybody thinks is a pig. 0.97
01:12:18.000 A pig is a different species. 0.84
01:12:21.000 It's a different animal. 1.00
01:12:22.000 That's that fucking creepy fucker. 1.00
01:12:24.000 That's a peccary. 1.00
01:12:25.000 Peccary?
01:12:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:12:26.000 It looks a lot like a pig, but it's not.
01:12:29.000 My neighborhood is three streets and then hills to the Mexican border.
01:12:35.000 And I can tell when a pack of javelina are coming by the dogs barking. 0.99
01:12:40.000 Like, okay, dogs are barking on that block.
01:12:43.000 Now they're barking on this block.
01:12:45.000 And I go, oh, a pack of javelina is traveling that way.
01:12:48.000 That's so cool that you live in a place that has these things.
01:12:51.000 It's so interesting. 1.00
01:12:53.000 Yeah, they're like rats in fucking Vancouver behind the Rickshaw Theater. 1.00
01:12:57.000 Always be branding. 1.00
01:13:00.000 They're like little demons, man.
01:13:02.000 Like, if they didn't exist, and there was this hairy thing in a movie that would chase after people's dogs and tear them apart.
01:13:09.000 Yeah, that's where I'm the opposite of Ted Nugent. 0.98
01:13:12.000 I would kill that and use none of it. 0.87
01:13:15.000 But they're good. 1.00
01:13:15.000 You can eat them. 1.00
01:13:16.000 They're similar to a pig in a lot of ways. 1.00
01:13:19.000 Yeah, people in Louisiana eat shit they find on the road, too. 1.00
01:13:22.000 But you can. 1.00
01:13:23.000 You can eat a lot of things.
01:13:25.000 If you're in Shackleton's party, you can eat your shoe until you can find some seal blubber. 1.00
01:13:30.000 You can eat anything.
01:13:33.000 I think they taste good.
01:13:34.000 I think javelin is supposed to taste a lot. 0.98
01:13:36.000 Very pig-like.
01:13:38.000 Like wild pig, like wild boar, which tastes good. 1.00
01:13:40.000 I think you have to make it in sausages and shit, but people like it. 0.99
01:13:44.000 I brought Burger King. 0.98
01:13:46.000 You know why?
01:13:49.000 You hate Burger King.
01:13:50.000 I hate Burger King, and I told the Uber driver, I go, listen, I tweeted, I go, I'm afraid to be early because this is a weird, empty, industrial lot.
01:14:02.000 That I don't want to be sitting out in front of, cold, and waiting for you to show up.
01:14:06.000 And I don't want to be late, because you don't want to be late.
01:14:09.000 But I wanted to eat, so I told the Uber driver, we're going to be early, so we'll find some fast food, I'll tip you extra. 0.90
01:14:17.000 There's a fucking In-N-Out burger on the way up here. 0.98
01:14:19.000 Well, on the exit, there's nothing but this fucking industrial area. 1.00
01:14:24.000 This is an In-N-Out burger a mile away. 0.99
01:14:26.000 This is my Burger King. 1.00
01:14:28.000 Fuck Burger King. 1.00
01:14:29.000 Burger King only exists where nothing else is available. 1.00
01:14:35.000 So you get off that exit, there's an industrial park or Burger King.
01:14:41.000 Because if Burger King's next to anything else, you wouldn't eat anything.
01:14:45.000 Okay, if Burger King's next to McDonald's, you would go with McDonald's.
01:14:48.000 Absolutely.
01:14:48.000 You know why I agree with you?
01:14:50.000 If Burger King was next to Payless Shoes, I'd go with Shoes.
01:14:56.000 I said that I'm surprised that every time I watch Naked and Afraid, they don't stumble into a Burger King where there's no other option. 0.98
01:15:06.000 They're the fucking worst, but I had to because there's nothing else around. 0.99
01:15:11.000 McDonald's brought the fucking breakfast menu to all day, but they didn't bring the McGriddle. 1.00
01:15:17.000 They didn't bring their greatest creation. 0.99
01:15:20.000 That pancake thing with sausage and cheese, it's the greatest creation they've ever made.
01:15:25.000 You can't have it all day.
01:15:26.000 They have a limited breakfast menu, but today on Newser, McDonald's soaring because they brought breakfast all day.
01:15:35.000 And if you know my body of work, one of my biggest beefs ever is no breakfast after 11. Because as comics, we're not usually up before 11. And I like breakfast.
01:15:48.000 And it makes no sense.
01:15:51.000 I'm not going to do the bit.
01:15:52.000 The point is that McDonald's brought breakfast all day. 1.00
01:15:55.000 I love the fucking sausage burrito. 1.00
01:15:58.000 Love it. 1.00
01:15:58.000 I heard that's a good one. 1.00
01:15:59.000 And their numbers are going through the roof.
01:16:02.000 I just can't take a risk.
01:16:03.000 Because if I'm hungry, I look forward to egg McMuffins.
01:16:08.000 They're so bad that I don't want just a regular egg McMuffin.
01:16:12.000 That's what I want.
01:16:12.000 That little circular ham.
01:16:14.000 Circular for no apparent reason.
01:16:15.000 Perfectly circular ham.
01:16:17.000 Like as if... 1.00
01:16:18.000 As if that even was related to a pig's ass. 1.00
01:16:20.000 Oh no, they breed the pigs in cylinders. 1.00
01:16:23.000 They breed them in sewer tunnels.
01:16:25.000 They pack them in there and slice them thin.
01:16:29.000 I think they're actually peccaries.
01:16:31.000 Peccaries? 1.00
01:16:36.000 But anyway, I'm addicted to those fucking things. 1.00
01:16:38.000 I love Egg McMuffin. 1.00
01:16:40.000 I love them.
01:16:41.000 Like, if I'm coming home and I'm hungry, I don't feel guilty about eating eggs and English muffins.
01:16:46.000 It's pretty simple and straightforward.
01:16:48.000 A little bit of processed cheese, but whatever. 1.00
01:16:50.000 Some fucking fake ham. 1.00
01:16:51.000 Well, you also work out like a motherfucker. 1.00
01:16:53.000 I have friends in Alaska that would party so hard How are you in such... 1.00
01:17:01.000 Well, they party that hard and then go to the gym for three hours and lift really hard.
01:17:07.000 I don't do the second part.
01:17:09.000 Yeah, that's going to be a problem.
01:17:11.000 He's gonna be a problem with this crazy lifestyle. 0.99
01:17:14.000 Everyone's been saying this for fucking 20 years. 0.99
01:17:17.000 Eventually. 1.00
01:17:18.000 You always have this conversation with me where you're like, how many fucking surgeries do you have? 1.00
01:17:22.000 Yeah, when you were just talking today about the fucking thing they did to your knee and putting plates and screws and drilling shit into your knee. 0.99
01:17:29.000 Well, we're talking about morphine, right? 0.99
01:17:31.000 Well, you had to go through that to get to morphine.
01:17:34.000 I could go straight to morphine.
01:17:36.000 That was 94. And skip the bad knee.
01:17:39.000 That was an early one.
01:17:40.000 That was an early surgery.
01:17:41.000 I've had a gang of them since.
01:17:43.000 Things break, man.
01:17:45.000 They do on me, too.
01:17:46.000 I got, like, three hernias work, and I don't lift anything. 1.00
01:17:49.000 If you get them fixed, it's so easy.
01:17:52.000 Eddie Bravo got two of them fixed at the same time.
01:17:54.000 They just stick these...
01:17:55.000 They have this webbing they put underneath you.
01:17:57.000 Oh, I know.
01:17:58.000 I got the umbilical one fixed.
01:17:59.000 Did you get it fixed?
01:18:00.000 Yeah, but the other two...
01:18:01.000 I got a ventral where you're...
01:18:05.000 Abdominal, what would be your six-pack if I had one?
01:18:09.000 That splits apart.
01:18:10.000 Not a problem.
01:18:11.000 But the ventral, that's the inguinal.
01:18:15.000 That's the groin hernia.
01:18:17.000 That's the one.
01:18:19.000 One word is why I don't fix those.
01:18:23.000 Catheter. 1.00
01:18:24.000 Oh, they have to put a tube in your dick hole. 1.00
01:18:26.000 Hmm. 1.00
01:18:27.000 Which I would have done if I was coked up after being dumped, calling hookers, and I'm getting a dominatrix. 0.98
01:18:36.000 Yes, but... 0.81
01:18:38.000 What about a morphine drip?
01:18:39.000 One of those ones that I got, the little button with your thumb, click, click, click, click, click. 1.00
01:18:42.000 I'd rather have a dominatrix do it fucking solid and go, you're going to just take this fucking catheter, aren't you, you faggot boy? 1.00
01:18:49.000 See, I'm so different than you. 1.00
01:18:50.000 What I would like to do, I would like to drink a bottle of NyQuil and listen to some David Bowie.
01:18:55.000 Just get there.
01:18:57.000 Ground control to Major Tom.
01:19:00.000 Just let them do their stuff.
01:19:02.000 It doesn't even involve me.
01:19:03.000 I'm up here in space.
01:19:05.000 I'm up here in space.
01:19:06.000 I don't have time.
01:19:07.000 I don't have time to think about that catheter.
01:19:10.000 That catheter is not a part of me.
01:19:12.000 How many surgeries have you had?
01:19:14.000 Not that many, honestly.
01:19:16.000 My nose, both my knees.
01:19:19.000 Wait, your nose?
01:19:20.000 Yeah.
01:19:21.000 I had a deviated septum, and I also had a bunch of blood that had pooled up inside the walls of my nose and become calcified, like a cauliflower ear.
01:19:34.000 You ever see like a wrestler's ear?
01:19:35.000 Oh, yeah.
01:19:36.000 I had that in there too.
01:19:37.000 They had to carve out some holes, and they had to do something called trim your turbinates. 1.00
01:19:42.000 Your turbinates are like, I guess there's like these bumps inside the side of your nose, and they clean those and flatten them down.
01:19:50.000 I broke my nose when I was five.
01:19:52.000 I fell down a flight of stairs, even before martial arts, smashed my nose.
01:19:55.000 I remember crying and blood and snot, and my nose has always been crooked, even since then.
01:20:00.000 And then from that time on, I don't know how many...
01:20:03.000 Nobody ever says Rogan's gorgeous except for the nose.
01:20:06.000 But it's been broken a bunch of times.
01:20:09.000 But nothing compared to some people I know, man.
01:20:10.000 I know dudes who've had dozens of nose breaks.
01:20:13.000 I've had at least probably six or seven.
01:20:16.000 When you hear people bitching about athletes making too much money, they...
01:20:21.000 A professional athlete will have several surgeries in a season.
01:20:26.000 Could be.
01:20:27.000 Football, right?
01:20:28.000 If your dad's getting a hernia surgery, you'll fly back from college because you never know.
01:20:34.000 And these guys just have surgery.
01:20:38.000 That's the big argument for steroids. 0.99
01:20:40.000 That's the biggest argument for steroids. 0.97
01:20:42.000 Steroids rapidly improve your ability to recover.
01:20:46.000 Rapidly improve. 0.98
01:20:47.000 So if these guys get a surgery, like a, you know, Achilles tendon or some shit like that, the difference between recovery when you do steroids and recovery on the natch, fucking giant difference. 0.96
01:20:58.000 I mean, absolutely gigantic difference. 0.95
01:21:00.000 They're not taking this stuff just for performance.
01:21:03.000 They're also taking this stuff for recovery.
01:21:05.000 It's in, in my opinion, I mean, done correctly, you should allow all athletes to do that, whether it's martial artists, whether it's anybody.
01:21:13.000 The problem is, if you're talking about a knee surgery, The real problem is you can get gains from that that will be permanent.
01:21:21.000 There's a certain percentage of those gains.
01:21:24.000 Gains meaning you gain speed, explosiveness, just from taking these steroids while you're going through rehabilitation because of surgery.
01:21:32.000 So it is tricky.
01:21:33.000 It is tricky because that cheating, whether it's playing football or what have you, that cheating will be permanent.
01:21:38.000 You'll be a different person.
01:21:40.000 You literally will be more explosive.
01:21:41.000 Maybe even only fractionally so, maybe a half of 1% or something, but it's measurable. 0.58
01:21:47.000 They can measure.
01:21:48.000 The tissues, they can measure the amount of gains you keep.
01:21:52.000 There's been some studies on it, so it's tricky.
01:21:54.000 It's problematic.
01:21:55.000 How much explosiveness do you need as we near 50 years old?
01:21:59.000 It's a hobby of mine.
01:22:01.000 I enjoy it.
01:22:02.000 That's the problem.
01:22:03.000 I enjoy training.
01:22:05.000 It helps me.
01:22:06.000 For me, personally, we talked about I do too many things or I do a lot of different things.
01:22:10.000 One of the things that it seems like I have to do in order to stay...
01:22:14.000 Even is that I have to do a lot of physical activity.
01:22:18.000 If I don't do a lot of physical activity, whether it's like anything, I could go hiking, I could work out, I could do something, but if I don't push my body and drain some energy out, then I don't feel my best.
01:22:31.000 I feel uneven.
01:22:34.000 I don't feel relaxed enough.
01:22:35.000 I have to drain the battery.
01:22:37.000 So for me, to keep my sanity and perspective and clarity, I have to drain the battery.
01:22:43.000 That's why I do it.
01:22:44.000 The best way to do that...
01:22:46.000 Oh, I thought you were going to say cocktails.
01:22:50.000 That works, too.
01:22:52.000 Everybody's got their own way.
01:22:55.000 Problem is, my way is prejudiced against...
01:22:57.000 People are prejudiced against my way.
01:22:59.000 My way is the way of the meathead. 1.00
01:23:02.000 You can always find someone who's, oh, fuck, he brought whiskey. 1.00
01:23:06.000 I thought I should just bring whiskey. 1.00
01:23:09.000 We got a lot of Jack Daniels up in this bitch. 1.00
01:23:11.000 I've been drinking Jack and Coke, but what I don't like is the Coke. 0.99
01:23:15.000 Yeah, I'm not a fan of the Coke.
01:23:16.000 Drinking Coke or Red Bull or anything like that feels worse than, like, if you...
01:23:20.000 I'd rather do methamphetamine, which is the worst drug ever.
01:23:25.000 I talk myself into putting the Coke in there so I don't feel like a deviant.
01:23:29.000 Just drink it straight, Jack Daniels.
01:23:31.000 It seems like something someone is reckless.
01:23:33.000 Not if you drink it on the rocks in a proper rocks glass.
01:23:37.000 The nectar of the gods, baby.
01:23:39.000 You tinkle the glass and then you sip it.
01:23:43.000 Isn't that what Sinatra called it?
01:23:45.000 Isn't that like part of a Jack Daniels commercial?
01:23:46.000 The nectar of the gods, baby.
01:23:49.000 That was one of the last...
01:23:53.000 No, I think it was a commercial for Jack Daniels.
01:23:57.000 Was there?
01:23:58.000 Yeah.
01:23:58.000 Pretty sure it was a commercial for Jack Daniels that featured Sinatra talking about Jack Daniels, calling it the nectar of the gods.
01:24:05.000 Wow.
01:24:06.000 It was during one of his shows in Vegas.
01:24:08.000 The Sands or something?
01:24:09.000 Well, yeah, you know, they had that Rat Pack era, which is like one of the most amazing times.
01:24:14.000 Here, we'll listen to it.
01:24:16.000 Put your headphones on real quick.
01:24:18.000 Is this the one where he does it? 0.99
01:24:26.000 I can't get to this whole fucking commercial, dude. 0.99
01:24:34.000 Okay. 1.00
01:24:34.000 You gotta, you gotta fucking try these in advance, son. 1.00
01:24:38.000 How dare you? 0.99
01:24:38.000 Either way, the point is, no one was tweeting Sinatra going, don't die on us, man! 0.99
01:24:43.000 Right, they didn't know any better back then.
01:24:45.000 They didn't think you were gonna die.
01:24:46.000 First of all, they thought cigarettes would make you healthy, right?
01:24:48.000 That's back when, like, did you see the, uh, have you seen the Leonardo DiCaprio movie on, um...
01:24:54.000 Wolf of Wall Street?
01:24:55.000 No, the one...
01:24:56.000 I don't know.
01:24:57.000 The one where he played the FBI guy, J. Edgar Hoover.
01:25:02.000 The J. Edgar Hoover one, J. Edgar Hoover's mom was talking about him being sickly and how the doctor had prescribed him cigarettes.
01:25:10.000 And she'd be smoking cigarettes to become more robust.
01:25:13.000 Yeah.
01:25:14.000 Whoa.
01:25:15.000 Exactly.
01:25:16.000 Always wrong.
01:25:17.000 Don't... 0.98
01:25:18.000 Back then they were fucking wrong. 0.98
01:25:19.000 And J. Edgar Hoover sadly died when he was, what, 35? 0.99
01:25:24.000 No, he lived a full fucking life. 0.99
01:25:26.000 He did. 1.00
01:25:27.000 Dressed like a chick. 0.97
01:25:28.000 Unfortunately, but still.
01:25:29.000 Yeah.
01:25:30.000 Yeah.
01:25:31.000 So when you keep tweeting me, don't die on us, man.
01:25:35.000 I know I live an unhealthy lifestyle as far as we know, but I'm enjoying it. 0.99
01:25:42.000 So until you're a fucking doctor who's prescient better than the doctors who said J. Edgar Hoover's mother should be more robust from smoking cigarettes... 0.99
01:25:52.000 Well, you're a study, in a way. 1.00
01:25:54.000 If I was a scientist or a doctor who was trying to study people that are healthy and happy and why, I would study you because I would be like, well, here's this guy that's doing whatever the fuck he wants to do.
01:26:04.000 He's smoking, he's drinking, but he appears relatively healthy in comparison to a lot of other people that are not doing those things but are working full-time... 0.82
01:26:14.000 Solless, thankless jobs, and they're the same age. 0.94
01:26:18.000 Like, if I followed your happiness meter, like if it was a scorecard, and it was like a fucking college basketball game, and I could look at the happiness meter, you would be a dominating victory. 0.98
01:26:29.000 Over the 9 to 5. Over the normal 47-year-old guy. 0.98
01:26:33.000 I'm not saying it doesn't have its downfalls.
01:26:35.000 I wake up in sheer terror and I wake up...
01:26:38.000 Even when I'm home, I go, I gotta get the fuck out of here.
01:26:41.000 And I go right to Delta.com and see what the next flight... 0.75
01:26:44.000 And then I chill out and then I... Ease back in.
01:26:48.000 There's down times to this. 0.99
01:26:50.000 I'm not saying, oh, I'm happy all the time being a fucking drunk and a chain smoker. 0.99
01:26:54.000 But we all are freaking out. 0.99
01:26:57.000 I mean, this is like a core tenet of being a human being.
01:27:01.000 If you're paying attention, you're freaking out about your expiration date.
01:27:06.000 You're freaking out about the fact that this is a finite...
01:27:10.000 Experience.
01:27:11.000 It's gonna end.
01:27:12.000 And we don't know when and we don't know why.
01:27:14.000 And we're getting closer.
01:27:15.000 Yeah, and we're getting closer every day.
01:27:17.000 But you know what?
01:27:17.000 It could have happened when you were two.
01:27:19.000 Happens to a lot of people at two.
01:27:20.000 Could have happened in a car accident when you're five.
01:27:23.000 Could have happened to a lot of people in car accidents when they're five. 1.00
01:27:25.000 But it's guys like you that make me feel like shit about just sitting and watching Netflix for four straight days not getting up other than to piss or get a snack. 0.99
01:27:38.000 But you enjoy that time. 0.99
01:27:39.000 I do.
01:27:40.000 I wish I could just go, hey, I'm just me.
01:27:42.000 Why can't I enjoy?
01:27:44.000 Why do I have to always think I see someone who can dance?
01:27:47.000 And I go, I'll never be able to dance.
01:27:50.000 I don't excel at any of...
01:27:52.000 Rather than focusing on what I do well, I too much focus on what other people do that I can't.
01:28:01.000 That's where obsessive struggle comes into play, Doug Stanhope.
01:28:04.000 Because obsessive struggle, what I'm really into... 0.99
01:28:07.000 Is that what you call fucking groping men? 0.99
01:28:09.000 No, no, no. 1.00
01:28:10.000 That's jiu-jitsu.
01:28:11.000 But my obsessive struggle, it'll fall in everything.
01:28:15.000 Everything I do.
01:28:16.000 I'm not against groping men.
01:28:18.000 I shoot like a hundred arrows a day.
01:28:20.000 Archery, like I just shoot at targets.
01:28:22.000 I love practicing.
01:28:23.000 It's fun.
01:28:23.000 Okay, that's a great example.
01:28:25.000 If I shot a hundred arrows a day, I would be thinking, why am I not doing more with my life?
01:28:32.000 Like no matter what you do, I think I should be doing something other people that I respect are doing, but you do what you do and I just I can't get comfortable with just doing what I do no matter what it is.
01:28:45.000 I see someone else who does something I can't do and Well, I can't do that.
01:28:51.000 Maybe this will help.
01:28:51.000 This is some insight.
01:28:52.000 Here's one thing that's true. 1.00
01:28:54.000 If I have things to do and I don't do them, and I go shoot those arrows, then I feel like a fucking loser. 0.99
01:28:59.000 That's one weird thing. 1.00
01:29:00.000 Like, I can't just go fuck off. 1.00
01:29:02.000 Unless you hit a bunch of fucking bullseyes in a row. 1.00
01:29:04.000 Doesn't matter. 1.00
01:29:04.000 Still feel like a loser. 1.00
01:29:06.000 That took me until I was in my 40s to realize that I can't have anything. 0.99
01:29:12.000 The price you pay for fucking off on something, the price you pay in mental mortgage is never worth it. 0.91
01:29:18.000 It's just not worth it. 0.99
01:29:19.000 If I have shit that I have to get done, I have to get it done. 0.99
01:29:22.000 Because if I don't get it done, it's going to fucking haunt me. 0.99
01:29:25.000 What is get it done? 0.97
01:29:26.000 And what is within reason?
01:29:28.000 And that's what I had to hit my 40s before I realized there's a point of diminishing return.
01:29:33.000 What is have to?
01:29:34.000 Well, it's like...
01:29:36.000 Have to get done.
01:29:37.000 Yeah, you have to take care of your kids. 1.00
01:29:38.000 Normal shit. 1.00
01:29:38.000 But other shit, like exercise. 1.00
01:29:41.000 Because if I don't exercise, I do fucking freak out. 0.99
01:29:44.000 Because my body's just so used to it. 0.98
01:29:46.000 It's been doing it for so many years. 0.99
01:29:47.000 If I don't do some form of rigorous exercise, my body's like, come on, bitch. 1.00
01:29:52.000 What are you going to make us just sit around all day? 0.98
01:29:53.000 I understand that, but we all have different standards or perceptions of what we have to do.
01:30:00.000 Right.
01:30:01.000 Definitely.
01:30:01.000 You go, what do I really have to do?
01:30:04.000 Right. 0.99
01:30:04.000 I would consistently, obsessively make lists of shit I have to do. 0.99
01:30:10.000 And then I would find one from, you know, a year, six months ago. 0.98
01:30:16.000 That I lost and made a new list. 0.99
01:30:18.000 I didn't have to do any of that shit. 1.00
01:30:21.000 I think I have to do shit. 1.00
01:30:23.000 That's definitely true. 0.99
01:30:24.000 You definitely don't have to do anything.
01:30:26.000 You just have to survive, right?
01:30:28.000 Definitely.
01:30:29.000 But if you want to try to achieve something, like if you want to try...
01:30:34.000 If you have a Netflix special that you're going to film in six months, and you decide, I am going to piece together a perspective, and I'm going to try to get this material, and I'm going to try to take it on the road, but I'm going to need to have some life experiences.
01:30:45.000 So, I'm going to need to go to the Museum of Creationism that's in Kentucky.
01:30:50.000 I'm going to go there, I'm going to fucking sit down, I'm going to talk to the people, I'm going to gather some information. 0.98
01:30:54.000 If you have some shit that you want to do, then you have some shit that you need to do in order to accomplish the thing that you want to do. 0.99
01:31:01.000 That's real. 1.00
01:31:02.000 But it's only on your choice.
01:31:04.000 But that's when it's at its best.
01:31:05.000 And that's the beautiful thing about what you're doing, what I've been able to do.
01:31:09.000 Many people that are listening to this that are self-employed or they're artists or that are trying to do that, that's the ultimate goal, is to do what you're doing.
01:31:17.000 It's deciphering between what you have to do for you versus what...
01:31:23.000 You think you have to do for other people or to live up to the fans or to whatever.
01:31:29.000 What do I actually have to do versus what I think I'm supposed to do?
01:31:35.000 And that's what I can't get rid of.
01:31:37.000 So I always think I'm supposed to do, so I have to.
01:31:40.000 Well, here's a key.
01:31:41.000 Here's one key that I've found.
01:31:43.000 This is just my personal perspective.
01:31:45.000 Kettlebells, people.
01:31:45.000 That's what you have to do.
01:31:46.000 Kettlebells.
01:31:47.000 No, don't get an assistant. 0.82
01:31:49.000 When you get an assistant, you're just putting a band-aid on a problem.
01:31:52.000 The problem is your life's gotten too complicated for one person.
01:31:55.000 I have Brian.
01:31:56.000 That's who I am.
01:31:57.000 You guys have a partnership.
01:31:58.000 This is a completely different experience.
01:32:00.000 You have an assistant.
01:32:01.000 No, I don't have an assistant.
01:32:02.000 I don't have an assistant.
01:32:03.000 But did you?
01:32:04.000 No, never.
01:32:05.000 I won't do it.
01:32:05.000 I won't have anybody who makes phone calls for me.
01:32:10.000 Have you ever got a phone call from someone?
01:32:12.000 Hold for Bud, please.
01:32:13.000 My friend Bud would do that. 0.99
01:32:14.000 I'd call his goddamn cell phone, and the woman would go, Bud, cell phone? 1.00
01:32:19.000 I'm like, Bud! 1.00
01:32:21.000 You're not that much of a big shot, you fuck! 1.00
01:32:22.000 Answer your goddamn cell phone! 1.00
01:32:24.000 It ain't that hard! 1.00
01:32:25.000 I guarantee you Tom Cruise answers his own fucking cell phone. 0.98
01:32:28.000 There's a few people that just, they have someone who does everything for them. 0.99
01:32:31.000 And essentially they become like mommy. 0.88
01:32:34.000 And then it allows you to focus entirely on your task at hand, which is to feed this machine that you've created of employees and fucking hairdressers and all these different people that follow you that you have to carry around with you. 0.95
01:32:46.000 You become like an ecosystem. 0.97
01:32:49.000 Don't do that.
01:32:50.000 No assistance. 1.00
01:32:51.000 As soon as you need another person to figure out fucking where you're going and what you're doing and show you what your calendar is, you fucked up. 1.00
01:32:58.000 You got too crazy. 1.00
01:33:00.000 Stay low-key. 0.98
01:33:02.000 Because you're gonna absorb that assistance problems, too. 0.99
01:33:05.000 You're gonna absorb that assistance fucking pill thing. 0.99
01:33:08.000 Yeah, fucking all sorts of issues. 1.00
01:33:10.000 Taxes. 1.00
01:33:11.000 They never pay their taxes. 1.00
01:33:12.000 You're gonna take those fuckers in, man. 1.00
01:33:14.000 They're gonna be like stray dogs. 1.00
01:33:16.000 You're gonna have real problems.
01:33:17.000 Or a great friendship and, you know, a wonderful relationship.
01:33:21.000 You just gotta be lucky.
01:33:22.000 So you said that was the first thing? 0.99
01:33:24.000 Yeah, don't have any fucking assistance, man. 0.99
01:33:26.000 That's number one. 1.00
01:33:26.000 Don't do shit you don't want to do when you don't have to do it anymore. 1.00
01:33:29.000 That's another one. 0.99
01:33:30.000 A lot of times people get famous, and they get successful, and they get wealthy, and then they start thinking, I just gotta fucking keep this going.
01:33:36.000 We need to do movies, man. 0.94
01:33:37.000 We're gonna fucking do our own soundtrack. 0.95
01:33:40.000 You don't have to do any of that. 0.98
01:33:42.000 Don't do that.
01:33:43.000 Don't do that.
01:33:44.000 Go back to when you and I were 21. You started when you were like 24?
01:33:48.000 Yeah.
01:33:48.000 I was 21. 23. But essentially, we were in our early 20s.
01:33:52.000 What did we want to do? 0.96
01:33:54.000 We wanted to fucking make a living telling jokes and be the greatest thing ever. 1.00
01:33:58.000 I wanted to get pussy. 1.00
01:33:58.000 And I couldn't sing karaoke? 1.00
01:33:59.000 Yeah, get pussy, sing karaoke, and make a living... 1.00
01:34:02.000 No, I couldn't sing karaoke, but comedy was a thing I could go up and sign on a list and then try to get pussy. 1.00
01:34:08.000 Okay, so that's the embryonic stage. 0.94
01:34:09.000 But once you became a full multi-celled organism, when you became an actual guy who was trying to put together an act, what was the ultimate goal?
01:34:18.000 I just wanted to do it.
01:34:20.000 I wanted to be able to do it well.
01:34:23.000 I wanted to be...
01:34:24.000 You didn't want to have a day job.
01:34:26.000 Well, yeah.
01:34:27.000 You want to be a pro comic, right?
01:34:28.000 That was a long time.
01:34:30.000 I spent three years of just going, I can't believe I'm driving to Montana 18 hours to get free cheese cubes at a happy hour and 125 bucks.
01:34:40.000 Exactly.
01:34:41.000 I'm doing it!
01:34:42.000 Yeah.
01:34:43.000 I did a gig with this kid named Scott Papakuri on a place called Block Island. 0.99
01:34:47.000 We stayed in a fucking storage house where they stored canned goods. 0.99
01:34:52.000 They had canned stock. 1.00
01:34:53.000 It was an island you had to go to.
01:34:54.000 The people were so drunk, they were barely alive.
01:34:57.000 The audience was filming.
01:34:58.000 There was no comedy to be had.
01:35:00.000 I never even got on stage.
01:35:01.000 They canceled the show when he got on stage. 0.99
01:35:03.000 He got on stage, he told 10 minutes of jokes, he fucking cut the mic off. 0.99
01:35:06.000 It was over. 1.00
01:35:07.000 It was a disastrous, horrific fucking set. 0.99
01:35:11.000 Have you had more fun since? 1.00
01:35:13.000 Probably not.
01:35:14.000 It was a good time.
01:35:15.000 It was a good time.
01:35:16.000 He used to have another gig called the Matapoiset Inn.
01:35:18.000 It was in Mattapoisette, Massachusetts.
01:35:21.000 It was like a hotel.
01:35:25.000 And then downstairs, there was this lobby that inexplicably had one of the best comedy rooms in all of Massachusetts.
01:35:32.000 It was amazing.
01:35:34.000 Guys like Teddy Bergeron, Lenny Clark, they would headline down there.
01:35:37.000 Don Gavin, they would headline down there.
01:35:39.000 And I worked there at Gang of Times with the same dude.
01:35:41.000 So I assumed that this gig was going to be like his other gig, which was amazing.
01:35:46.000 But it was a new gig.
01:35:47.000 So we got in a boat. 1.00
01:35:48.000 We took off to some fucking stupid island in the middle of nowhere where these people are just drinking themselves to death. 1.00
01:35:55.000 Huzzah! 1.00
01:35:56.000 They were monsters. 1.00
01:35:58.000 They were just drunk, bloated monsters. 1.00
01:36:01.000 There was this woman. 0.96
01:36:02.000 She looks like Don Barris with a dress and a giant red Winston Churchill like Gin Blossom's face. 0.93
01:36:08.000 I almost got her off Eros Guide last night, but go ahead.
01:36:11.000 She's worth it.
01:36:12.000 She was just screaming at this guy who was on stage.
01:36:16.000 I'll never forget her.
01:36:18.000 I... I glorified the early days when I was in them.
01:36:24.000 Yeah, me too. 0.99
01:36:26.000 I look back at some shit and go, ah, that's probably worse. 0.99
01:36:30.000 But most of the time I go, I can't believe I'm doing this in the moment. 1.00
01:36:34.000 I was having so much fun, fucking the ugliest strippers in the world, and just happy. 0.99
01:36:43.000 But that's before people had expectations. 1.00
01:36:46.000 And as soon as I got whatever level of popular I am, there's people who expect something and like, ah, fuck. 0.99
01:36:57.000 God damn it, I have to work. 1.00
01:37:00.000 Can't just go up on stage and eat a plate of nachos and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. 1.00
01:37:06.000 They paid good money now. 1.00
01:37:08.000 The transition has come full circle.
01:37:12.000 Are you OCD? Because I just drank straight off your bottle.
01:37:16.000 My herpes is only on my dick. 1.00
01:37:18.000 That's not OCD, is it? 1.00
01:37:19.000 What is that?
01:37:20.000 That'd be germphobic.
01:37:21.000 If I was germphobic, I wouldn't be letting dudes sweat in my mouth.
01:37:26.000 Dudes have sweated in my eyeballs.
01:37:28.000 My ears.
01:37:29.000 I'm a guy sweating my ears. 0.99
01:37:31.000 I guess you couldn't be hand sanitizer guy and wrestle dudes in a fucking 69 position. 0.97
01:37:37.000 Well, not only that, but I'll do a 3,000 seat show and I'll go outside and take pictures with everybody. 0.98
01:37:43.000 I'll shake hundreds of hands.
01:37:44.000 Jesus, I remember the time you brought me to UFC in Vegas.
01:37:51.000 The only time I've seen it live.
01:37:53.000 And you walked through the crowd as they're all lined up to get in. 1.00
01:37:58.000 This monster aggro fucking... 0.99
01:38:03.000 And just everyone's just glomming. 1.00
01:38:05.000 Joe, can we get a picture? 0.99
01:38:07.000 You can't get a picture with 3,000 fucking people that are in line. 1.00
01:38:11.000 Yeah, you can't do that. 1.00
01:38:13.000 But you just walk through like your fucking Moses Parton sees. 0.99
01:38:17.000 I can't do it. 1.00
01:38:18.000 Gotta go.
01:38:19.000 Gotta go. 1.00
01:38:21.000 I have three people when I'm trying to rush out and I'm like, I'm such a fucking dick. 0.99
01:38:26.000 I try to run out the back door like Hedberg used to do. 0.98
01:38:30.000 Hedberg was legendary on a one-nighter with a hundred people, not asking for autographs because he's not famous, but he couldn't even deal with people giving him feedback.
01:38:43.000 He'd just run out the back door.
01:38:45.000 It's definitely an issue if you really are worried about that, if you're thinking about feedback, or if you're just worried about interacting with these people.
01:38:54.000 It's a weighted conversation.
01:38:56.000 They like you and you don't know them.
01:38:58.000 So it's weighted.
01:38:59.000 And the problem with weighted conversations, the big one, is that those can become intoxicating.
01:39:05.000 And you could only want to have a weighted conversation.
01:39:08.000 You only want to have conversations with people who adore you.
01:39:12.000 Those are terrible choices.
01:39:14.000 That's a reality that only exists for very few people.
01:39:19.000 It's not in our code.
01:39:20.000 We don't understand how to handle that.
01:39:22.000 Especially when it comes to you for no reasons like you're a child actor on a television show and you've never known anything else.
01:39:28.000 That's an impossible mathematical equation to ask some little kid to grow up in.
01:39:34.000 You are going to grow up and you're going to have requirements on you that no human being is going to be able to commiserate with.
01:39:40.000 No one's going to understand.
01:39:41.000 You're essentially a prince.
01:39:42.000 You're born and you're five years old.
01:39:44.000 You're on a TV show and the world screams whenever they see you on television.
01:39:48.000 It doesn't make any sense.
01:39:49.000 I didn't see the movie, but I got cut out of it.
01:39:52.000 But I saw a trailer, the Chris Rock movie.
01:39:55.000 Take five?
01:39:56.000 Take five.
01:39:57.000 And I believe in the trailer, he says, that's the problem with being a celebrity is you can only complain to other celebrities.
01:40:08.000 Well, Chris Rock is in that level.
01:40:10.000 I think that's his line in that movie.
01:40:13.000 I didn't watch it because I got cut out of it.
01:40:16.000 He's so famous, we can't be friends with him.
01:40:20.000 Do you know what I mean?
01:40:21.000 Like, we're not famous enough to be friends with Chris Rock.
01:40:24.000 I say hi to him, and I go, hey, what's up, dude?
01:40:25.000 Nice to meet you. 0.98
01:40:26.000 And I get the fuck away from him! 1.00
01:40:28.000 He's too famous. 0.99
01:40:31.000 You know, like, every time Dave Chappelle and I hang out, I can't even believe we're talking.
01:40:35.000 He was at my 30th surprise birthday party.
01:40:39.000 Really?
01:40:39.000 Which one?
01:40:40.000 Where was that?
01:40:41.000 Dave Chappelle.
01:40:41.000 Where was it?
01:40:43.000 Farfallo or something.
01:40:44.000 He's the best.
01:40:45.000 That's what I was dating.
01:40:46.000 That's before I met you, probably.
01:40:47.000 I was dating Christine Hodge.
01:40:49.000 No, we were our third.
01:40:50.000 You're 48?
01:40:51.000 You're 48?
01:40:52.000 Yeah, you're a month before me.
01:40:54.000 You're older than me.
01:40:55.000 You're an old elderly man to me. 1.00
01:40:57.000 I'm your elder.
01:40:58.000 I'm a March, you're a February.
01:41:00.000 So if I come to the airport, I expect you to be there for the sign that says, Elder Rogan.
01:41:06.000 Elder Rogan.
01:41:08.000 We'll make our own Friars Club and you're going to have to get me in.
01:41:12.000 But if we were both 30 in L.A. at the same time, then you had to be in L.A. because that was 97. Were you in LA in 97?
01:41:21.000 Farfalla, yeah.
01:41:21.000 Christine Hodge made the surprise.
01:41:24.000 That's when we met, right?
01:41:24.000 It was around then.
01:41:26.000 You were in the book when I met you because I met you when my mother was on stage at the Union.
01:41:31.000 Yes!
01:41:32.000 And someone said, Joe Rogan wants to meet you because he heard you have the same kind of comedy.
01:41:36.000 And my mother was on stage and you came in and I tried to drag you out so you wouldn't have to see...
01:41:43.000 I think Joey Diaz might have been the instigator. 0.98
01:41:47.000 I think Joey Diaz might have said, you gotta fucking meet Doug Stanhope. 0.97
01:41:50.000 He's one of us. 0.99
01:41:50.000 He's one of us. 0.99
01:41:51.000 He's a fucking soldier. 1.00
01:41:53.000 Because that was when Diaz was trying to figure out how to be Diaz. 1.00
01:41:57.000 Like, Diaz, between 96 and 98, was in his, like, hatching phase.
01:42:01.000 And then he burst out of his egg and became Joey Diaz in 99. And I'll never forget it.
01:42:07.000 Because I used to take him on the road with me, and all of a sudden I couldn't follow him.
01:42:11.000 Like around 98, I couldn't follow him. 0.99
01:42:13.000 I was like, fuck! 0.99
01:42:13.000 I wouldn't want to follow that guy. 0.99
01:42:15.000 Oh my god!
01:42:15.000 We were in West Orange, New Jersey, the same place where the guy bought for the comedian.
01:42:20.000 He bought a bunch of fucking NyQuil bottles that I was talking about earlier. 0.97
01:42:23.000 Yeah, same place. 0.99
01:42:24.000 I brought in Joey.
01:42:25.000 And this is also the same place where Joey notoriously would just...
01:42:29.000 He was a wild man.
01:42:30.000 He'd just disappear. 1.00
01:42:31.000 Shit would go wrong or right. 1.00
01:42:34.000 He'd have a fucking big bag of coke with some crazy girl and he'd be holed up and he'd never make it to a show. 1.00
01:42:39.000 So I didn't want to not use Joey anymore. 0.99
01:42:41.000 So I started bringing Ari on the road with me, other guys on the road with me as well.
01:42:46.000 So if Joey didn't show up, at least I had like one opening act.
01:42:50.000 I got booked at Uncle Funnies in Davie, Florida with Otto and George because he had such a reputation of not showing up for shows because he was a crack addict.
01:43:01.000 That they build it as a XXX show so they would co-headline us in case he went on a crack binge, I could cover the time because we're both of an ilk of XXX. Yeah, you'd fit right in there.
01:43:15.000 Well, back then, I could do... 0.99
01:43:17.000 It was just all dick jokes. 0.98
01:43:19.000 It's XXX. I'm not on you porn. 0.99
01:43:23.000 I did a bunch of Jersey Shore gigs with Otto and George.
01:43:27.000 Otto was awesome.
01:43:28.000 He was such a weird, soft-spoken, almost like a guy who...
01:43:34.000 He looked at old-school vaudevillian times.
01:43:39.000 He had this affection for those days.
01:43:42.000 We used to do these prom shows in Dangerfields.
01:43:46.000 Did you do prom shows with Otto and George?
01:43:50.000 Yeah, I did.
01:43:50.000 I did.
01:43:52.000 Do your listeners know Otto and George?
01:43:54.000 Oh, you have to.
01:43:55.000 If you're a fan of comedy, I'll go out and say this.
01:43:58.000 He's the greatest puppet act of all time, right?
01:44:02.000 Well, he's the only puppet act that a comic would appreciate.
01:44:07.000 He stunk at ventriloquism, but his jokes were so awful, and he never changed them, and he never cared.
01:44:15.000 This is my favorite. 1.00
01:44:16.000 Madonna's such a whore, her pussy has a drawstring like a laundry bag. 1.00
01:44:26.000 I watched him in Florida. 1.00
01:44:28.000 That time he showed up. 1.00
01:44:30.000 He had some fucking classes. 1.00
01:44:32.000 And I would goad him into doing it, even though there was a partial audience that was black. 1.00
01:44:40.000 Don't you hate black guys with tattoos? 0.98
01:44:42.000 You're doing a great impression, by the way. 0.99
01:44:44.000 I don't know.
01:44:45.000 That sounds just like George.
01:44:48.000 Hey, brother, look at my tattoo!
01:44:50.000 Look at my tattoo!
01:44:51.000 I can't see your tattoo! 1.00
01:44:53.000 You should have done it in Whiteout, you filthy circus ape! 1.00
01:44:58.000 I walked out of the room on that one when there were black people in the audience. 1.00
01:45:02.000 Oh, my God. 1.00
01:45:05.000 You filthy circus ape. 1.00
01:45:07.000 He had some fucking relentlessly brutal shows. 1.00
01:45:10.000 That was the puppet talking, for the record. 1.00
01:45:13.000 The puppet got stabbed. 0.51
01:45:14.000 Yeah, I heard.
01:45:15.000 At Dangerfields in New York.
01:45:17.000 Yeah, I always thought that was an urban legend, but he confirmed it.
01:45:21.000 No, he told me about it.
01:45:22.000 He told me his mouth to my ears. 1.00
01:45:25.000 He told me his fucking puppet got stabbed. 1.00
01:45:27.000 He told me one of the most fucked up I've ever been, and I only remember because there was coke involved, and then you remember. 1.00
01:45:37.000 Coke makes you remember? 0.99
01:45:38.000 Oh yeah, it makes you alert and going, I shouldn't be able to drink this much.
01:45:44.000 But it was me and Otto and George.
01:45:49.000 It was 2005 in Montreal. 0.97
01:45:52.000 And it was me and Otto and George and Dylan Moran in a fucking hotel room at the Montreal Comedy Festival. 0.99
01:45:59.000 And I thought, I'm going to die. 0.99
01:46:03.000 I'm definitely going to die.
01:46:04.000 And the other people are going to die before me. 0.72
01:46:09.000 Jesus. 1.00
01:46:11.000 Fucking Dylan Moran falling asleep with lit cigarettes, waiting for more cocktails to be brought up to the room. 1.00
01:46:18.000 I was at the fucking gas station in Hollywood right next to the Laugh Factory the other night, driving home. 1.00
01:46:24.000 I never try. 0.99
01:46:25.000 I try to never get gas.
01:46:26.000 Hang on, ladies and gentlemen.
01:46:27.000 If you're ever near the Laugh Factory and you need gas, we're going to stop and do a commercial break.
01:46:32.000 Go to the...
01:46:33.000 Sorry. 1.00
01:46:33.000 This fucking guy walks up to me and he's cracked out of his head. 1.00
01:46:37.000 There's something wrong. 1.00
01:46:38.000 Something wrong. 1.00
01:46:38.000 He's asking a bunch of weird fucking questions. 1.00
01:46:40.000 He's real speedy and fucked and he's smoking and When I went to pump gas someone had done some fucking sneaky trick where You know you press like what gauge do you want you press the button you pull the thing out they had left it already pulled back and And locked in place. 0.99
01:46:58.000 So when I pulled it out, it started spraying gasoline. 0.99
01:47:02.000 So I let it go. 0.99
01:47:02.000 I'm like, what the fuck is this? 0.99
01:47:04.000 And I undo the little thing that keeps it on, but there's gas all over the floor. 0.98
01:47:10.000 And then I start pumping gas in my car, and this guy walks up with a cigarette.
01:47:13.000 Oh, no. 0.97
01:47:14.000 And he's got a cigarette just a few fucking feet from this gas that's on the ground. 0.98
01:47:18.000 And if the guy decided to just throw the cigarette on the ground... 1.00
01:47:22.000 I mean, we are literally depending upon the choices of a fucking moron To not have my car blow up, me die. 1.00
01:47:30.000 I'm literally thinking right now, I might have to sprint out of this position. 1.00
01:47:34.000 Because have you ever seen what happens to people when they get in those...
01:47:37.000 They say that you shouldn't even have a cell phone out.
01:47:40.000 There's potential for a cell phone to have a spark.
01:47:43.000 And that spark ignites the fumes.
01:47:45.000 That fumes ignites the gas.
01:47:47.000 And people have died like that.
01:47:48.000 It's very rare.
01:47:49.000 But it's one of those, the right amount of humidity in the air, the right amount of static electricity. 0.99
01:47:54.000 Weird shit can happen. 0.99
01:47:56.000 This fucking guy's just standing there with a cigarette, and he goes, hey, this is a nice car, man. 1.00
01:48:00.000 Where'd you get it? 1.00
01:48:01.000 I go, I got it from a car store. 0.99
01:48:04.000 And then the guy in the fucking loudspeaker's going, sir, will you step away from the pumps? 0.99
01:48:10.000 You cannot be smoking a cigarette while you're standing in the pumps. 0.99
01:48:14.000 So this guy is angry now because they're suggesting that he shouldn't be near the pump.
01:48:19.000 So then he holds his hand up over where the gas is.
01:48:24.000 And it's getting real touch and go, man.
01:48:26.000 It's real touch and go. 1.00
01:48:27.000 And I'm like, I am not gonna fucking burn to death for some moron. 1.00
01:48:30.000 And I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do. 1.00
01:48:32.000 Like, what do I do?
01:48:33.000 What do I do?
01:48:33.000 Do I jump out of the way?
01:48:34.000 Or do I just charge at this guy?
01:48:36.000 Like, there's one of two things that's gonna happen. 0.99
01:48:38.000 Either I'm gonna jump out of the way, and he's gonna light this whole fucking place on fire, and I might get to the road, I might get to Laurel Canyon before the fucking gigantic explosion hits, and all these fucking houses go up in flames, and And that's how it happens. 1.00
01:48:52.000 One asshole. 1.00
01:48:53.000 One stupid fucking asshole looking at me. 1.00
01:48:57.000 I didn't finger you when you were six. 1.00
01:48:58.000 I don't have any idea what happened to you that got you to this position. 0.99
01:49:01.000 But here you are, fucked up on something, looking at me, and you're holding a cigarette over where the gasoline spilled on the ground because the guy in the fucking speaker booth has chosen to pick on you. 0.99
01:49:15.000 It got real weird, man. 1.00
01:49:17.000 Weird when you said finger you when you were six because you were obviously doing a black guy. 0.87
01:49:24.000 No, it wasn't a black guy. 0.98
01:49:25.000 Oh, well, I thought it was a black guy. 0.99
01:49:28.000 He was Latino.
01:49:28.000 And when you said finger you when you were six, I thought you meant point you out of a lineup.
01:49:34.000 That's how racist I am.
01:49:36.000 There was something wrong with this dude.
01:49:37.000 There was probably a bunch of things wrong with him.
01:49:39.000 I think there was probably drugs, and there was probably something else. 1.00
01:49:42.000 It was stupid and drugs together, but there was definitely some drugs. 1.00
01:49:46.000 Because when he was talking to me, it was just like, there was a weird, it was like a fucking scary dog. 1.00
01:49:52.000 A scary dog. 1.00
01:49:54.000 Like a dog that just wasn't like, oh, what's this fucking dog? 1.00
01:49:56.000 Get out of here! 1.00
01:49:57.000 I have irrational fears of things blowing up, including balloons.
01:50:02.000 I left at Perkins once because there was a girl doing balloon animals on a Sunday morning for kids and just stuff popping and blowing up creeps me out.
01:50:14.000 You gotta get past that.
01:50:16.000 It's just a weird fear.
01:50:18.000 You should go to one of those camps. 0.99
01:50:18.000 They just wake you up to a fucking bunch of balloons. 0.99
01:50:21.000 Blowing up the fucking gas tank. 1.00
01:50:23.000 BB guns. 1.00
01:50:23.000 E-cigarettes is a fucking sponsor. 1.00
01:50:26.000 I didn't quite turn down yet, but I told Chaley, do research, because I've read five or six stories about people having e-cigarettes blow up and shatter their entire fucking teeth and jaw out. 1.00
01:50:42.000 There's one that's, a guy got paralyzed and blew his fucking spine sideways. 0.99
01:50:47.000 Whoa! 0.99
01:50:48.000 You only have to read a couple of those stories where you go, no, no, I'll die of cancer.
01:50:54.000 Want to know one of the craziest ones I got for an ad?
01:50:56.000 They want to do an Uber for babysitters. 1.00
01:50:59.000 I'm like, bitch, are you out of your fucking mind? 1.00
01:51:02.000 You think you're going to just have like a... 1.00
01:51:04.000 You're like, oh, do you...
01:51:05.000 Someone watch my loved one.
01:51:07.000 Someone watch my child who can't even tell me what happened to him.
01:51:11.000 Come on over, strange person.
01:51:12.000 Well, I'm sure...
01:51:14.000 Oh, the Uber driver actually babysits?
01:51:15.000 No, not a real Uber.
01:51:16.000 Like an Uber 4. But yeah...
01:51:19.000 They babysit.
01:51:20.000 Really clearly, this has nothing to do with Uber.
01:51:22.000 This is like the concept that Uber uses.
01:51:25.000 I need a driver to take me somewhere right now, right?
01:51:29.000 Okay, I need a babysitter to watch my kid right now. 0.99
01:51:32.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00
01:51:33.000 I was like, you gotta be out of your mind, man. 1.00
01:51:35.000 They started describing it to me.
01:51:37.000 I go, no!
01:51:39.000 No! 1.00
01:51:40.000 I'm not gonna be a part of your shitty decision-making. 0.99
01:51:42.000 Like, even if it works out a thousand times. 0.99
01:51:45.000 How old are your kids now?
01:51:45.000 The one time where it doesn't.
01:51:46.000 Seven and five, the youngest ones.
01:51:48.000 Crazy.
01:51:49.000 It's weird. 0.57
01:51:50.000 I want to ask a question.
01:51:54.000 You're driving home from a gig, I'm assuming, at the Comedy Store, and you pull into that gas station.
01:52:00.000 I want to hear the doors in the background.
01:52:01.000 I find it's like the majesty of life.
01:52:08.000 Until that moment, you did not think your life was going to be in peril that night.
01:52:13.000 True.
01:52:14.000 You were just suddenly in that moment.
01:52:16.000 Just trying to get some gas.
01:52:17.000 Yeah.
01:52:17.000 That's the random beat of life, man.
01:52:20.000 That's what I do all the time.
01:52:22.000 I drive, it's an hour and 45 minutes from Bisbee to the airport, and every car that comes past me the other way, I wait in case they're drunk.
01:52:33.000 Are they going to swerve into me?
01:52:35.000 Douglas, that's called being intelligent.
01:52:36.000 I'm not afraid of death.
01:52:38.000 I just want to avoid it. 1.00
01:52:40.000 Well, you just don't want to die because an asshole is doing fucking trucker meth. 1.00
01:52:44.000 And he decides to start beating off all over his fucking steering wheel, and he can't hold onto the thing when he hits a possum, and his thing's all slippery like lube, and he fucking goes flying into your lane and hits your 2013 Suburban and turns you into a hamburger. 1.00
01:52:58.000 But I do that all the time until I'm drinking and then I don't give a fuck. 0.99
01:53:01.000 Exactly, but that's why drinking's beautiful. 0.98
01:53:03.000 Because what drinking does is it limits inhibitions.
01:53:05.000 It blows them away.
01:53:07.000 It takes them away.
01:53:08.000 It brings you to a place where you don't care anymore.
01:53:10.000 You're like, I can enjoy this moment. 1.00
01:53:12.000 There's some fucking magic shit in that. 0.99
01:53:15.000 The whole key to whether it's drinking, or smoking weed, or doing mushrooms, or doing nothing, or exercising, is like this harmonious balance. 1.00
01:53:24.000 There's a path.
01:53:26.000 Yes.
01:53:27.000 You tweeted this today. 1.00
01:53:28.000 It's from your book, you fucking cunt. 1.00
01:53:30.000 Is this the shit that strippers put on their Instagram page? 1.00
01:53:32.000 Alcohol cannot... 1.00
01:53:34.000 Hang on, this is from Brian's book.
01:53:37.000 Alcohol cannot cure every problem in life, but if we remove the problems that it can't cure, then the path is clear.
01:53:46.000 That's beautiful!
01:53:47.000 Thank you.
01:53:48.000 Pass that Jack Daniels.
01:53:49.000 Patrick Robertson, A Tale of Adventure, my novel.
01:53:52.000 That's a beautiful one on Amazon now.
01:53:55.000 The path is clear.
01:53:56.000 It's true.
01:53:57.000 I have a distrust for people that can't drink. 1.00
01:54:00.000 Yes.
01:54:00.000 Because I'm not saying that drinking is the end-all be-all, but it's also an option.
01:54:04.000 And as soon as it's not an option for people, there's two reasons why it's not an option.
01:54:09.000 It's either genetic, which I completely understand. 0.97
01:54:11.000 Because I know people that just fucking have that wacky gene. 0.99
01:54:14.000 They just have it. 1.00
01:54:15.000 Yeah, they turn into a Jekyll and Hyde fucking... 1.00
01:54:17.000 I've seen... 1.00
01:54:18.000 I dated a girl once. 1.00
01:54:20.000 At the fucking union, by the way. 0.99
01:54:22.000 At the union. 0.99
01:54:23.000 She was so nice.
01:54:24.000 I met her.
01:54:25.000 She was so sweet.
01:54:26.000 She was from out of town.
01:54:28.000 She didn't have anything to do with show business. 0.99
01:54:31.000 She was completely normal.
01:54:32.000 We went out one night.
01:54:33.000 We had a nice dinner together.
01:54:34.000 I'm like, wow, I think this girl's going to be my girlfriend.
01:54:37.000 I was convinced.
01:54:38.000 I was like, she's really cool.
01:54:40.000 She's friendly, and she's nice to waiters. 0.99
01:54:43.000 She's all the things that I like.
01:54:44.000 She's kind.
01:54:45.000 The next day, I go, because there's a comedy show.
01:54:49.000 I mean, maybe the next day.
01:54:50.000 The next day I see her.
01:54:51.000 Whenever I see her again. 0.99
01:54:52.000 And she's fucking hammered before I get there. 1.00
01:54:57.000 And she's shark-eyed. 0.99
01:54:58.000 She's gone.
01:54:59.000 And she breaks a glass like this.
01:55:01.000 Oh, no. 1.00
01:55:02.000 And she just starts talking shit about something. 1.00
01:55:04.000 I'm like, oh, oh, oh. 1.00
01:55:06.000 Well, what a fucking 180. Hey, can we fuck really quick and then I'm gonna drop you off? 1.00
01:55:10.000 No, there was no fucking going on. 1.00
01:55:12.000 She might as well have been a small, hairy, sweaty dude with shit smeared over him. 1.00
01:55:18.000 Like one of those fucking things that those old plaster guys do when they're wallpapering. 1.00
01:55:25.000 She might have been covered in shit. 1.00
01:55:26.000 She might as well have been a peccary. 1.00
01:55:31.000 The whole thing was there's no way I was gone like my my survival instincts were like slamming on the brakes I was like what the fuck dude you came that close this being your girlfriend She's breaking glasses and looking at you like a fucking zombie. 1.00
01:55:46.000 I'm like Jesus Christ I went from one to the other one to one to like wow what a like a friendly nice person that'll make me Like feel really good when I'm around her we're gonna have some fun together Next time, shatter! 1.00
01:56:01.000 I'm thinking of her stabbing valets in the neck with a beer bottle and falling face first, chipping her fucking teeth on the curb. 1.00
01:56:09.000 I spent three years in one of those. 1.00
01:56:11.000 I know, I swear to describe that.
01:56:13.000 I was there.
01:56:14.000 I was there for that.
01:56:17.000 But at her best, she was good.
01:56:19.000 Joel, you used two phrases.
01:56:20.000 At her best, she was beautiful.
01:56:21.000 She was an awesome person at her best.
01:56:23.000 That's the most magical thing about people.
01:56:28.000 This is why I hate when people start to shame people or attack people on Twitter and go after people.
01:56:35.000 Because you cannot be defined by moments.
01:56:38.000 You're defined by the culmination of your life's experiences and your interactions.
01:56:43.000 And as soon as you find someone who's trying to just label someone or lock someone into one particular moment...
01:56:54.000 You're finding someone who's just trying to avoid all the flaws they have in their self.
01:56:59.000 No one's perfect.
01:57:00.000 None of us are.
01:57:01.000 And the idea that you can lock a quote down and put it... 1.00
01:57:04.000 Doug Stanhope said that he thinks that fucking, you know, whatever, this guy should get AIDS because his jokes suck. 1.00
01:57:11.000 You know, like, if you... 1.00
01:57:12.000 You know what I'm saying?
01:57:13.000 I was trying to describe Chad Shank, the friend I'm staying with while I'm in town, and everything about him sounds, Chad Shank, well, he used to do this and that, bad things, and he can't leave the house because he's afraid he might hurt someone really bad or murder them.
01:57:31.000 Yeah, you were telling me the other day. 0.89
01:57:33.000 Yeah, he's the most beautiful human being in the world, but to try to explain him based on his own biography is fucking fantastic.
01:57:45.000 There's a lot of people like that, my brother.
01:57:46.000 There's a lot of people like that.
01:57:48.000 It's always going to be the case.
01:57:48.000 But he understands his own insanity and learns how to work around it.
01:57:54.000 And there's these flashes of awesomeness that come out of people like that.
01:57:59.000 You know?
01:57:59.000 There's flashes of awesomeness that come out of unconventional thinkers.
01:58:04.000 Unconventional people, or people that, for whatever reason, you know, the pressure came from a different direction and created some fucking weird kind of, like, personality diamond. 0.73
01:58:12.000 You know? 0.94
01:58:13.000 And that's Diaz.
01:58:14.000 I mean, Diaz is the epitome of some weird personality diamond.
01:58:17.000 And I'm not even just talking Joey.
01:58:19.000 Like, Nick Diaz and Nate Diaz, the MMA fighters for the UFC. Every Diaz.
01:58:22.000 There's a lot of Diaz's out here. 1.00
01:58:24.000 The fucking Diaz brothers. 1.00
01:58:25.000 The fucking Diaz brothers. 1.00
01:58:27.000 Scarface. 1.00
01:58:27.000 Fuck you. 1.00
01:58:28.000 Fuck Frank. 1.00
01:58:29.000 Fuck the Diaz brothers. 1.00
01:58:31.000 Right? 1.00
01:58:33.000 Yeah, if you just read Joey Diaz's fucking rap sheet, you go, that's not a good person. 0.98
01:58:38.000 Well, actually, his rap sheet is not that extensive. 0.99
01:58:40.000 He got away with a lot more than he got in trouble for.
01:58:44.000 The point is, if you explained all the things that Joey Diaz had done wrong, you'd never appreciate Joey Diaz.
01:58:52.000 Exactly.
01:58:52.000 Like, if people in my community, okay, I live in a nice community of white people with babies.
01:58:57.000 If people in my community, they said, well, who's, what kind of people do you associate with?
01:59:02.000 Well, one of my best friends went to jail for armed kidnapping.
01:59:06.000 There was a guy that had coke, and he wanted to get the coke from the guy, so he tied him up, and he threatened him with a machine gun.
01:59:11.000 But he's pretty awesome. 0.99
01:59:14.000 That's what it had to do with fucking Krista. 1.00
01:59:17.000 I won't say her last name, but Krista. 0.99
01:59:20.000 I'm staying at this guy's house.
01:59:23.000 She just got out of prison. 0.94
01:59:25.000 It's a girl that went to prison for two years because she had fucking a lot of weed in her car and got busted in a weird county in Illinois. 0.84
01:59:35.000 You know those documentaries where they thrive on busting people? 0.92
01:59:40.000 Sure.
01:59:40.000 Like, hey, do you mind if I bring my ex-felon friend over?
01:59:44.000 Yeah.
01:59:45.000 Is it okay?
01:59:46.000 I know I'm staying at your house.
01:59:47.000 Well, people get scared.
01:59:48.000 What are you going to do?
01:59:49.000 Your friend's going to come over.
01:59:50.000 They're going to steal my checkbook.
01:59:51.000 Douglas.
01:59:52.000 Exactly.
01:59:52.000 Can you vouch for this girl or this Joey Diaz character?
01:59:56.000 No.
01:59:56.000 Exactly.
01:59:57.000 But the thing is, at least Joey Diaz has...
01:59:59.000 Well, they both, I'm sure, have talents.
02:00:01.000 But Joey Diaz has a very marketable talent.
02:00:03.000 He goes on stage and kills, and you forgive him for everything.
02:00:06.000 When Joey Diaz goes on stage and crushes, you go, I don't care what he did. 0.68
02:00:11.000 I don't care what he did.
02:00:12.000 Come on over.
02:00:13.000 Come on over.
02:00:16.000 Come on, let's party.
02:00:18.000 I mean, that is the reason why, like, in the late 90s, I brought an extra opener.
02:00:23.000 It was only because of Joey.
02:00:25.000 It's because I just realized.
02:00:26.000 Oh, that's what started that conversation, was Joey Diaz, one time the Lakeshore Theater.
02:00:32.000 Oh, yeah.
02:00:34.000 I booked him the headline, and he just, at the last minute, hours before, he calls up the booker and says, I can't make it. 0.98
02:00:44.000 I got some shit going on.
02:00:45.000 He's like, but you're going on in a few hours. 1.00
02:00:50.000 He goes, shit happens. 0.99
02:00:52.000 I My favorite Joey Diaz story is I'm in Jersey. 1.00
02:00:57.000 I'm working at Rascals.
02:00:58.000 This is before I decided to start bringing the second opening act, and this is the reason why.
02:01:04.000 First night, he just doesn't show up.
02:01:05.000 He says he didn't know.
02:01:07.000 I didn't know.
02:01:08.000 I didn't know the guy.
02:01:09.000 I didn't talk to me.
02:01:10.000 I wasn't sure if it was real.
02:01:13.000 And then the next night, they said they had to get some local guy.
02:01:16.000 The local guy shows up.
02:01:17.000 Literally, the show starts 40 minutes late.
02:01:19.000 The whole thing's a disaster.
02:01:20.000 Local guy does well.
02:01:22.000 We salvage the show, right?
02:01:24.000 Second night, an hour before the show, I finally get Joe.
02:01:28.000 He had a pager back then.
02:01:30.000 If he lost that pager, he was a ghost.
02:01:32.000 That was two years ago.
02:01:34.000 But the second night, I get him on the phone, and he goes, I'm not gonna lie to you, dog.
02:01:40.000 I never left Vegas. 0.98
02:01:42.000 It's a fucking hour before the show, and he wasn't even in New Jersey. 0.99
02:01:48.000 That's brilliant. 0.99
02:01:49.000 And I had to make a decision.
02:01:50.000 I'm like, well, I'm definitely not going to not work with them.
02:01:53.000 So I need to get another opening act.
02:01:55.000 I need to give up some more money. 0.70
02:01:57.000 The problem with so many comics, and I'd say 90% of my friends, is they're great comics when they're there and they're on, but they're fuck-ups.
02:02:11.000 We tried to do that tour, the Unbookables, like 10 years ago or something.
02:02:16.000 Yeah, that's a problem. 0.95
02:02:18.000 But the point is, they're all funny, but they're fuck-ups. 0.95
02:02:21.000 Oh, I'm 41 years old, and how do you rent a car? 0.98
02:02:27.000 I can't help you.
02:02:28.000 This is so funny.
02:02:30.000 You can't completely hold their hand and take them to the dance.
02:02:35.000 But once they're at the dance, you can tell them where the good music is.
02:02:38.000 Unless, after the dance, they start biting people. 0.99
02:02:42.000 Yeah, see, there's all sorts of levels of fucked up, and you gotta find out, like, you and I both have a functional level of fucked up. 0.98
02:02:50.000 Like, one of the things that you and I, I think we, like, very early on, I think we both realized we're fucked up in very different ways, but we're both functional. 0.97
02:03:00.000 Functional. 0.76
02:03:01.000 And we're both nice guys.
02:03:02.000 That's one of the things when we worked in the Man Show.
02:03:05.000 We're nice guys.
02:03:05.000 A lot of people forget that's the most important part.
02:03:08.000 It's one of the most important things. 0.98
02:03:10.000 You see fucking guys that you thought, didn't you retire when I started comedy? 0.99
02:03:16.000 Well, they're still working there because they're nice guys and they're friends with the owner, even though they suck. 1.00
02:03:22.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:03:22.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:03:22.000 Nice guy actually gets you further than it should get you. 0.99
02:03:26.000 Well, it's also the...
02:03:28.000 There's that.
02:03:29.000 But it's also the right thing to do.
02:03:31.000 Because I think you and I both remember when we were scared and when we first started.
02:03:35.000 And I know that you are really good with young, up-and-coming acts.
02:03:40.000 You're the reason I found out about Brendan Walsh, who I think is hilarious, because I saw you with him in LA. And that's how I found out about him.
02:03:48.000 And that's like, to me, there's certain people, like if Joey says this guy's funny, he's funny.
02:03:53.000 You know, if Ari says someone's funny, they're funny.
02:03:56.000 If you say someone's...
02:03:56.000 If you're taking Brendan Walsh on the road with you, I'm like, well, Brendan Walsh obviously must be...
02:04:01.000 He's in.
02:04:02.000 He's in the group.
02:04:03.000 You know what I mean?
02:04:04.000 He's in the network.
02:04:06.000 But a lot of guys think because they're funny...
02:04:10.000 You taking them under their wing is all they ever have to do.
02:04:14.000 And you go, alright, you haven't written a joke in four years.
02:04:17.000 That's a problem.
02:04:18.000 I've had a few of those guys.
02:04:20.000 I had to cut them loose.
02:04:21.000 But then there's guys like Ari.
02:04:25.000 Ari is, out of all the guys I ever took on the road with me, he listened more than any of them.
02:04:30.000 You would say something to him instead of him getting upset and saying like, yeah, but I could have done this.
02:04:36.000 He would go, oh.
02:04:38.000 Oh, yeah.
02:04:39.000 He's one of the only guys.
02:04:41.000 Duncan kind of, too.
02:04:43.000 But Joey and I had a very different relationship.
02:04:45.000 My relationship with Joey has always been praise and love and friendship in both ways.
02:04:51.000 And he's just always been so funny.
02:04:53.000 Ever since he figured it out, I can't tell him what to do.
02:04:57.000 I just love him and give him hugs.
02:04:59.000 And he's kind of the same way with me.
02:05:02.000 But Ari, when I met Ari, he was a door guy at the store.
02:05:07.000 I started taking him on the road with me and giving him money to do gigs.
02:05:10.000 The first time I took him, I think the first gig he ever did with me was the Comedy Works in Denver.
02:05:16.000 And Mike Young used to go on the road with me, and I called Mike Young.
02:05:21.000 It's back like the early days.
02:05:22.000 I had a flip phone.
02:05:23.000 And I called Mike Young.
02:05:25.000 I go, because Mike Young had to cancel for a wedding or something, you know?
02:05:29.000 And I called him. 1.00
02:05:30.000 I go, Mike Young, you fucked up. 1.00
02:05:31.000 I go, listen to Ari Shafir Killing. 1.00
02:05:33.000 And then I held the phone out to the fucking audience. 1.00
02:05:36.000 I go, you fucked up, son. 1.00
02:05:40.000 And I told Ari about it and he was fucking crying. 1.00
02:05:44.000 But Mike Young was always there. 0.99
02:05:45.000 The only reason why he was there was because Joey couldn't come to Denver because he had a restraining order. 0.99
02:05:52.000 Oh yeah, Joey and his fucking Denver days. 0.98
02:05:55.000 He had a restraining order with the club. 0.99
02:05:56.000 He literally could not go in the club.
02:05:59.000 He wasn't legally allowed to go in the club.
02:06:02.000 Oh, I thought he meant the state.
02:06:04.000 No!
02:06:04.000 That was Seattle.
02:06:05.000 I couldn't take him to Seattle. 0.99
02:06:07.000 I had to bring new guys to Seattle because he had some fucking domestic violence charge. 1.00
02:06:12.000 Well, the kidnapping happened in... 0.98
02:06:14.000 Yes, but it wasn't domestic violence in Seattle. 0.80
02:06:17.000 It was like something happened.
02:06:18.000 No, it wasn't domestic violence.
02:06:20.000 It was some form of violence in Seattle that was unrelated to his machine gun kidnapping a drug dealer charge. 1.00
02:06:29.000 So I had a fucking tank. 0.99
02:06:31.000 Totally different crew. 0.99
02:06:32.000 I had a Seattle crew, which consisted of Duncan and Ari.
02:06:36.000 That's how Duncan got in the mix.
02:06:39.000 Seattle and Joey Diaz.
02:06:41.000 I love Duncan.
02:06:41.000 Duncan's the best.
02:06:42.000 Yes, he's great.
02:06:43.000 He drives a Mercedes now.
02:06:45.000 Oh.
02:06:45.000 He's got some crazy AMG dentist mobile.
02:06:47.000 I was going to say some shit, but I go, I'll ask you off the air about another thing. 0.99
02:06:53.000 Joe, have you ever had to read the riot act to any support act? 0.99
02:06:59.000 Have you ever had to discipline someone?
02:07:01.000 No.
02:07:02.000 In what way? 0.99
02:07:03.000 Don't fucking do that again in front of me. 1.00
02:07:06.000 Don't piss at a lady's daiquiri. 1.00
02:07:08.000 You've been late three nights in a row.
02:07:10.000 No.
02:07:11.000 Brian likes to find the worst thing when we're in a green room at an improv and a waitress comes back to bring us drinks pre-show.
02:07:21.000 Who's the worst comic you've ever had to work with?
02:07:24.000 That's the same thing I always ask.
02:07:25.000 Yeah, there you go.
02:07:26.000 I always ask the guy who has to drive you to the radio.
02:07:28.000 Yeah.
02:07:28.000 The guy who drives you in the morning.
02:07:30.000 I always say, who's the biggest dick? 1.00
02:07:32.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:07:33.000 Richard Jenny came up a lot.
02:07:35.000 Really?
02:07:36.000 Even though, like I said, I was a huge Richard Jenny fan.
02:07:39.000 You want to say at the same time, who comes up the first?
02:07:41.000 Who?
02:07:42.000 Eddie Griffin.
02:07:43.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
02:07:43.000 Well, he's crazy. 1.00
02:07:46.000 But again, Eddie Griffin, you go back to Eddie Griffin on, what was the fucking HBO, Def Comedy Jam. 0.99
02:07:54.000 Eddie Griffin on Def Comedy Jam, he had shorts on and crushed. 0.94
02:08:01.000 He crushed to the point where I remember watching him.
02:08:04.000 He was on HBO when I was like barely an opening act.
02:08:08.000 Maybe like some sort of a half-assed, fugazi middle act, right? 0.99
02:08:12.000 And I watched him on HBO and he fucking destroyed. 0.95
02:08:16.000 And I remember being so sad, thinking I will never be as good as this guy. 0.99
02:08:21.000 I don't have it in me.
02:08:22.000 There's nothing...
02:08:22.000 He was bouncing around on stage and he had like...
02:08:26.000 He had power and expression. 0.98
02:08:27.000 He was skinny and wirly, like some kind of fucking Jiminy Cricket character hopping on stage. 0.99
02:08:33.000 He had so much fucking performance, like talent in him. 0.99
02:08:38.000 I remember thinking, man, I will never be as funny as Eddie Griffin. 0.99
02:08:41.000 I'll never forget that. 1.00
02:08:43.000 Fuck! 1.00
02:08:44.000 I did ONA when they were ONA and Dice came in. 1.00
02:08:50.000 We're scheduled at the same time, and Dice came in and immediately lit up a cigarette, and Opie goes, uh, shit, uh, Dice is gonna smoke in the studio. 0.97
02:09:03.000 Like, I can't tell you no. 0.97
02:09:05.000 And there's no personalities like that anymore in comedy.
02:09:09.000 The Kinnisons, the Dices, there's no, I'm overwhelming, I'm a rock and roll star! 1.00
02:09:16.000 He was impossible to talk to.
02:09:18.000 He was a complete character.
02:09:21.000 I love.
02:09:22.000 I love.
02:09:23.000 But, let me tell you this.
02:09:25.000 The reason why you're not like that is because you're better than him.
02:09:30.000 Well, I know that.
02:09:34.000 But the same sensitivity to the moment that makes you become self-aware.
02:09:39.000 I'm not saying I'm good.
02:09:40.000 How dare you say you're better than Hicks?
02:09:42.000 I said it on Rogan's podcast.
02:09:44.000 I'm better than Hicks. 1.00
02:09:46.000 You motherfucker, you and Ari, I'm going to put you in a spaceship and shoot you right to the fucking sun. 1.00
02:09:51.000 I need some more hate mail, but the point is, tell me one thing. 1.00
02:09:55.000 You, guy that hasn't said anything the whole night.
02:09:58.000 That's Jamie.
02:09:58.000 Tell me one thing you know from Hicks' body of work that tells you anything personal about him.
02:10:06.000 He had opinions?
02:10:08.000 He didn't have enough time.
02:10:10.000 Did he date anyone?
02:10:11.000 Where did he live? 0.99
02:10:13.000 According to his fucking body of work, what was his day like? 1.00
02:10:17.000 What did he ever fucking do that made him a human being? 1.00
02:10:20.000 He had opinions, he could read a book and then make a dick joke in the middle of it and then make the point... 0.99
02:10:28.000 You're right. 0.99
02:10:29.000 Yeah, I'm fucking better than Hicks. 0.99
02:10:32.000 I'm not as good as most comics working today, but I'm better than fucking Hicks. 1.00
02:10:38.000 How dare you. 0.99
02:10:39.000 Well, I didn't die at 32. Well, he had a problem with cigarettes.
02:10:43.000 You apparently don't have a problem with them.
02:10:46.000 I'm way better at cigarettes than Hicks.
02:10:48.000 He was at a different age.
02:10:50.000 I don't breathe through my pancreas. 0.99
02:10:52.000 Well, if you go back, you are rude, and you're killing my heroes.
02:10:57.000 But if you go back to Lenny Bruce's day, like if you go to my house, I have Lenny Bruce posters.
02:11:03.000 I have in my, where I have a pool table in my house, and above my pool table I have Lenny Bruce at the Fillmore.
02:11:08.000 And then in my office where I write, I have this Lenny Bruce performance film poster.
02:11:12.000 It's a movie poster. 0.99
02:11:13.000 Bill Hicks fucking... 1.00
02:11:14.000 But listen, I'm never going to listen. 1.00
02:11:16.000 Bill Hicks winked at me.
02:11:19.000 In a giant poster in your house after I came out of the only time I ever did DMT. I swear to God.
02:11:27.000 I came out of this thing going, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness.
02:11:33.000 And then I saw there's a Bill Hicks.
02:11:35.000 I have a Bill Hicks where he's lighting a cigarette with the American flag.
02:11:38.000 Oh yeah.
02:11:39.000 It's in the pool room.
02:11:40.000 That's in the pool room too.
02:11:41.000 Whatever room I was in when I went, I gotta go.
02:11:44.000 That's the room where we did DMT. I worried about you that night.
02:11:48.000 I thought I lost you.
02:11:49.000 Because I got him high on DMT. We went fucking... 1.00
02:11:55.000 I think I gave him a way too big a dose. 0.99
02:11:58.000 Because he was the first guy I've ever met that foamed at the mouth.
02:12:01.000 Like, legitimately.
02:12:03.000 He had bubbles.
02:12:04.000 That's the poster I have in the pool room.
02:12:05.000 That's the one where he winked at you.
02:12:07.000 But you had bubbles coming out of the corner of your mouth.
02:12:10.000 You were moaning.
02:12:11.000 And you were going...
02:12:16.000 And I knew.
02:12:17.000 My first cognizant thought was, or memory, is saying, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness.
02:12:25.000 Yeah.
02:12:26.000 Well, that's what it'll do to you.
02:12:29.000 That wasn't the Bria improv, mate, was it?
02:12:31.000 No, no, no.
02:12:32.000 That was smoking his weed.
02:12:33.000 That was a mistake.
02:12:35.000 This was a smart move.
02:12:36.000 That was a mistake.
02:12:38.000 The DMT was a smart move.
02:12:39.000 We were doing the man show, and we came over to my place to try to write and try to storm ideas and come up with some new sketches and then deal with the hand that we had been dealt.
02:12:48.000 Because Stan Hope and I, we had this...
02:12:52.000 I don't want to name any names, but there's a bunch of people that sold us an idea that we could go in and do something chaotic.
02:13:00.000 Executives.
02:13:00.000 You don't have to name names.
02:13:01.000 They don't have names.
02:13:03.000 All they wanted to do was get us attached.
02:13:06.000 If we were attached, they knew they had some names and they could take that and they could resell it.
02:13:11.000 So that's what they did.
02:13:12.000 But then once we were working, once we were actually on the set, they had very different ideas as to what it would be versus what we had.
02:13:22.000 Our ideas were based on the conversations that we had that made us agree to do it in the first place, whereas their ideas are based on the old shows. 0.96
02:13:30.000 So there was a little manipulation, but that's just part of what the fuck happened. 0.54
02:13:34.000 So we went back to my place this one night, and I don't remember whether we decided before we got there. 0.97
02:13:41.000 It was at the end of this show, and we had to write these monologues or whatever.
02:13:46.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:13:47.000 Bullshit. 1.00
02:13:47.000 And we were already going through such stupid shit. 1.00
02:13:50.000 We had this game show called... 1.00
02:13:52.000 It was called Make Me Hard.
02:13:54.000 That's what it was supposed to be called.
02:13:56.000 That's what Doug's original name for it was.
02:13:58.000 Because it was your idea.
02:13:59.000 Make Me Laugh was a game show where you get a contestant and there's three comedians.
02:14:05.000 If you can not laugh for however many minutes...
02:14:08.000 Tell him this. 0.65
02:14:09.000 I have to piss.
02:14:10.000 Tell me. 0.53
02:14:12.000 I was waiting for you to wrap up because I have to piss.
02:14:14.000 Keep going. 0.99
02:14:15.000 Make Me Laugh was a game show where a contestant had to not laugh while three comedians fucked with them. 0.99
02:14:22.000 Okay. 0.99
02:14:22.000 So we were doing a spoof called Make Me Hard where someone tried to not get a boner during three acts and then we had a midget fellating a banana and then we had a lap dancer very hot. 0.99
02:14:37.000 Okay. 1.00
02:14:39.000 That pulls her dick out at the end. 1.00
02:14:41.000 Oh, I see. 1.00
02:14:43.000 So, and then the guy's sitting there in what we called a weenie box that measured whether or not he was getting erect.
02:14:50.000 Uh-huh.
02:14:51.000 That was controlled.
02:14:53.000 Of course.
02:14:53.000 Boop, boop, boop.
02:14:55.000 Sorry, forgive me.
02:14:56.000 Is this the concept or what happened?
02:14:59.000 The concept happened, but at the last minute, the censor said, you can't say make me hard.
02:15:08.000 Go with make me stiff.
02:15:11.000 What?
02:15:12.000 Yeah, it was like, wait. 1.00
02:15:15.000 You're going to let a transvestite pull her cock out on stage. 1.00
02:15:20.000 Yes. 1.00
02:15:21.000 But you have to just make sure you're employable enough.
02:15:26.000 I've got to make some change.
02:15:27.000 Oh, hard, that's too adult-oriented, stiff.
02:15:32.000 You can do stiff. 0.99
02:15:34.000 And at the last minute, all the fucking props people had to go make a new sign. 1.00
02:15:39.000 It's fucking ridiculous. 0.99
02:15:40.000 But we're doing a new show. 1.00
02:15:42.000 They were crying.
02:15:43.000 They were crying.
02:15:45.000 Like, no names, no names, no genders.
02:15:48.000 Crying.
02:15:49.000 Joey Diaz was gonna introduce us, okay? 1.00
02:15:52.000 Joey Diaz was gonna come out, he's gonna be naked, he has Timberlands on, and a fucking baseball hat on. 1.00
02:15:57.000 He's got a New York Mets baseball hat on, and fucking Timberlands. 0.99
02:16:01.000 He comes out, and he's like, you know, ladies and gentlemen, let's get this party started! 1.00
02:16:05.000 Welcome to the Man Show, motherfuckers! 1.00
02:16:08.000 And they're gonna beep this out. 1.00
02:16:09.000 This is what they tell Doug and I. They say, We're going to let you swear.
02:16:13.000 We'll beep it out.
02:16:14.000 We'll show nudity. 0.91
02:16:15.000 We'll blur it out.
02:16:17.000 If you guys get sued, it'll be great for the show.
02:16:20.000 You know, Doug and I got together.
02:16:22.000 We got drunk and go, what do you want?
02:16:23.000 Do you want to do this?
02:16:24.000 They want to do this.
02:16:25.000 You want to do this? 1.00
02:16:25.000 He goes, let's fucking do this. 1.00
02:16:27.000 Let's fucking do this. 1.00
02:16:28.000 Let's do... 1.00
02:16:28.000 We're going to do this. 1.00
02:16:29.000 We're going to make the crazy show.
02:16:31.000 Once we got in, it was a totally different story.
02:16:34.000 Once the paperwork had been signed, we were committed to this project.
02:16:38.000 Then there was executives.
02:16:40.000 The executives sort of had control over the executive producer, who had control over the writer.
02:16:46.000 Everybody's keeping their job.
02:16:48.000 There's a bunch of things that Doug and I just didn't anticipate.
02:16:50.000 So we got to this position where...
02:16:53.000 We were doing something that wasn't what we set out to do and we didn't feel good about it.
02:16:59.000 And then there was like a bunch of arguments.
02:17:00.000 And one of them was how the show would start.
02:17:03.000 I wanted every show to start with Joey Diaz naked running out into the audience.
02:17:07.000 And this woman was crying. 0.99
02:17:09.000 Damn, I said a gender. 1.00
02:17:11.000 This executive, they don't- Zoe Friedman! 1.00
02:17:15.000 You son of a bitch! 1.00
02:17:18.000 Damn you, Stan Hope! 1.00
02:17:20.000 I love Zoe. 1.00
02:17:21.000 Oh, she was crying.
02:17:22.000 Is this really what you think man show crying?
02:17:26.000 And I said, how about this?
02:17:28.000 I go, we'll do it both ways.
02:17:29.000 We'll do it the regular way first, and the second take, we'll do it with Joey.
02:17:33.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:17:34.000 Which was a fucking setup. 0.99
02:17:35.000 I can't believe she agreed to that. 1.00
02:17:37.000 That's so dumb. 1.00
02:17:38.000 Because the second take is always boring. 1.00
02:17:41.000 Because everybody's seen the first take.
02:17:43.000 Like, it's a setup.
02:17:44.000 But she didn't see it coming.
02:17:45.000 She was playing checkers. 1.00
02:17:46.000 The whole fucking thing was a setup. 1.00
02:17:48.000 We're doing it better. 1.00
02:17:50.000 Yes.
02:17:50.000 Yeah.
02:17:50.000 Yeah.
02:17:51.000 So, Joey comes out.
02:17:52.000 Of course, roars.
02:17:53.000 Everyone stands up.
02:17:55.000 Let's get this party started! 0.99
02:17:56.000 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Motherfucking Man Show! 0.98
02:17:59.000 Doug Stanhope and Joe Brogan! 0.98
02:18:02.000 Everybody standing up like this is the greatest opening for a show ever.
02:18:05.000 So I look at them and I go, told you!
02:18:07.000 I know it's funny! 1.00
02:18:09.000 It might not be funny to you, but you don't have a dick, alright? 1.00
02:18:11.000 You're not a man. 1.00
02:18:12.000 This whole idea of this is supposed to be a man's show.
02:18:16.000 The picture you already showed earlier. 1.00
02:18:18.000 A big fat fucking guy running through. 1.00
02:18:20.000 Giant balls like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose. 1.00
02:18:24.000 They were ridiculous. 1.00
02:18:25.000 His balls are comical in their own. 1.00
02:18:27.000 Look at him. 1.00
02:18:28.000 He does not look real. 0.99
02:18:29.000 You don't have to sell me on Joey's balls. 0.99
02:18:31.000 There he is. 0.99
02:18:31.000 That's Joey Diaz. 0.99
02:18:32.000 He's one of the greatest human beings ever walked the face of the planet.
02:18:35.000 Is that Ari in the background? 1.00
02:18:35.000 Yes, fuck yes. 1.00
02:18:36.000 That's Houston, Texas. 1.00
02:18:38.000 That place doesn't exist anymore.
02:18:40.000 That place I had a dude pounded on my door asking me for someone named Ed.
02:18:44.000 What's Ed, man?
02:18:45.000 He was looking for crack.
02:18:46.000 It was like a crack house.
02:18:47.000 What is Ed?
02:18:48.000 Yeah.
02:18:49.000 Oh, wait a minute.
02:18:50.000 Nope.
02:18:51.000 I'm going to take that back.
02:18:53.000 That's actually Austin, Texas.
02:18:55.000 That's not Houston.
02:18:56.000 That's Austin, Texas.
02:18:57.000 I knew it was Texas.
02:18:58.000 Now I'm regrouping.
02:18:59.000 That's the place that's down the street from Cap City Comedy Club.
02:19:05.000 He's the best.
02:19:06.000 That's from a blog that I wrote called Happy Pills.
02:19:08.000 Do you still write blogs?
02:19:10.000 Not much anymore.
02:19:11.000 I keep it myself.
02:19:12.000 I write them, but they become material.
02:19:14.000 What I found was that I was writing blogs, and then I was taking some of the ideas out of those blogs, and I was turning them into bits.
02:19:23.000 But the problem was, people would be upset.
02:19:25.000 They'd go, Well, then there's this look and I saw that it was in your blog.
02:19:29.000 And I'll go, okay.
02:19:30.000 Well, I have to make a decision here.
02:19:32.000 Either I keep doing the blogs and the bits are in the blogs and people don't mind, or people get annoying and they start complaining that the genesis of the bits occurred in the blogs.
02:19:42.000 It's two guys. 0.99
02:19:43.000 It was two guys that said that and it gets in your fucking head. 1.00
02:19:47.000 They don't know any better. 1.00
02:19:48.000 Everyone thinks this.
02:19:49.000 But you know better if you think it through.
02:19:51.000 But initially, two guys, I won't do two shows in a night because I'm afraid someone will stick around for the second show and go, this is a magic act. 0.99
02:20:01.000 This is bullshit. 0.98
02:20:02.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00
02:20:02.000 They will. 1.00
02:20:03.000 And that's why I don't do two shows a night.
02:20:06.000 Well, you know, I mean, you could look at it that way, you know.
02:20:09.000 I've heard it said... 0.97
02:20:11.000 Go take a piss. 0.97
02:20:11.000 No, no, I'm just standing up. 0.97
02:20:14.000 I've heard it said that maybe it's not bad if someone goes to their first show and their second show.
02:20:20.000 A few people in the audience actually makes you think...
02:20:24.000 Because those people are there, you're aware of them, you have to do it fresh.
02:20:28.000 You have to figure out a way to put a new spin on it.
02:20:30.000 You have to figure out a way to present it in a way that maybe will be exciting for you, and that way will be exciting for them as well.
02:20:38.000 So in a way where instead of just pressing play, you say, even though this is something that I've said multiple times over the course of the last X amount of months that I've been working on it, I'm going to say it in a new and inspired way because I know these two people from the first show are going to be here at the second show.
02:20:58.000 Okay.
02:20:59.000 He won't tell me if there's people that have stayed over.
02:21:03.000 Tell him! 0.99
02:21:03.000 No, because he gets all fucking... 0.99
02:21:05.000 We're on the party! 1.00
02:21:06.000 No, no, I get... 1.00
02:21:06.000 He gets all fucked up. 1.00
02:21:07.000 In my head, I'll try to do completely different material that's not even material... 1.00
02:21:13.000 I gotta care for that shit. 1.00
02:21:13.000 ...just because of two fucking people. 1.00
02:21:18.000 I've offered people their money back going, hey, I saw you in Manchester. 1.00
02:21:21.000 I'm going to come see you in Leeds tomorrow.
02:21:23.000 I'll go, I'll give you your money back right now.
02:21:25.000 Don't do that to me.
02:21:26.000 I told this dude in Manchester, if you're going to come, he said, lad, I'm coming to two shows. 1.00
02:21:31.000 I go, you got to get really fucked up. 0.98
02:21:33.000 The first show, the second show is novel. 0.99
02:21:36.000 The great thing about my audience is most of them are drunks and they don't remember.
02:21:41.000 I get emails all the time.
02:21:43.000 Hey, I hope that special is coming out because I was there, but I don't remember a thing from it.
02:21:50.000 Well, I think that potheads and alcoholics share that, the lack of memory.
02:21:56.000 This is what's beautiful about alcohol as well as beautiful about pot.
02:22:01.000 It's this desire to somehow or another embrace this moment.
02:22:05.000 And with pot, it's always the fear of getting carried away by the newfound ideas of what reality really is.
02:22:14.000 Whereas with alcohol, it's the ignorance of those ideas. 0.99
02:22:19.000 The point like, who fucking cares? 0.99
02:22:21.000 Who cares? 0.99
02:22:23.000 Are we doing shots?
02:22:24.000 Who's going to Mexico?
02:22:26.000 That's where it comes in with alcohol.
02:22:29.000 Whereas with weed, you know, you're like, I know how to get to the roof.
02:22:32.000 Let's go to the roof.
02:22:33.000 And you get on the roof, man. 0.82
02:22:35.000 It's just like, it's so weird to think that there's just a few hundred miles of this, like, fucking gas and, like, what is it, magnets or something? 0.77
02:22:42.000 Like, what's the magnetosphere? 0.96
02:22:43.000 I don't know, man.
02:22:44.000 Let me get my phone. 0.97
02:22:45.000 And you're fucking trying to figure out why the earth, it doesn't just absorb radiation from the sun. 0.97
02:22:50.000 Somehow or another it's been designed. 0.99
02:22:52.000 So there's like this seal, this like circular shit that you don't understand. 0.96
02:22:56.000 The magnetosphere and the ionosphere. 0.99
02:22:59.000 It's all fucking filtering gamma radiation. 0.83
02:23:02.000 That becomes your freakout instead of the alcoholic freakout. 0.98
02:23:07.000 Which is just a... 0.98
02:23:08.000 I'm drinking some of your Jack and then I gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.97
02:23:11.000 Where you going? 0.99
02:23:12.000 I don't know where.
02:23:13.000 You're not going anywhere. 0.99
02:23:14.000 Where the fuck are you going? 1.00
02:23:16.000 A drunk Uber? 1.00
02:23:17.000 Yeah, a drunk Uber. 1.00
02:23:21.000 Do you ever get an Uber and put your fucking headphones on? 1.00
02:23:22.000 Do you know what an ADR is? 1.00
02:23:24.000 That's where I'm going.
02:23:25.000 I don't know what it means. 0.99
02:23:26.000 Oh, that means you're going to do some Hollywood type shit with sound. 0.99
02:23:29.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 0.99
02:23:32.000 Yeah, I've been to ADR multiple times.
02:23:34.000 What does it mean?
02:23:35.000 During the Fear Factor days, it was one of the worst parts about the job. 0.98
02:23:39.000 Here's a fucking cold, hard, ugly fact about Fear Factor. 0.98
02:23:43.000 If you watch it on TV, especially on the Chiller Network, where it still plays like 12 hours a day, it does. 0.99
02:23:50.000 It's on all day long.
02:23:53.000 Not that it's a bad thing.
02:23:54.000 It's a good thing.
02:23:55.000 But if you watch it, a lot of the times when I'm talking, I'm not really there. 0.82
02:23:59.000 I'm talking in a sound booth somewhere where I had to watch the replay and maybe some shit didn't come across right because the sound was all fucked up or sound cut out or something like that. 0.98
02:24:12.000 If you ever watch Bar Rescue or any dumb shit reality show you're into, if they're not showing John Taffer saying, Well, get the hell out of my bar! 0.99
02:24:23.000 They're showing the back of his head. 0.99
02:24:25.000 He never said that.
02:24:26.000 He said it after the fact.
02:24:28.000 Is that what ADR is?
02:24:29.000 Exactly.
02:24:30.000 I just want to know what it stands for.
02:24:33.000 Especially on a reality show.
02:24:35.000 Additional dialogue recording.
02:24:37.000 Jamie's actually an audio engineer.
02:24:39.000 Automated dialogue.
02:24:40.000 Oh, there you go. 1.00
02:24:41.000 There you go, bitch. 1.00
02:24:43.000 Brian guessed closed in. 1.00
02:24:44.000 I was wrong. 1.00
02:24:45.000 Shut up! 1.00
02:24:46.000 Why is this guy always interrupting? 1.00
02:24:49.000 Why is he like Red Band always interrupting? 0.99
02:24:52.000 Where the fuck did this guy get a mellow yellow t-shirt? 0.99
02:24:54.000 How dare you? 1.00
02:24:55.000 I bought it online.
02:24:57.000 I don't even know what it was when I bought it.
02:24:58.000 Really?
02:24:59.000 I just thought it was a nice phrase.
02:25:00.000 Well, it was a song and it was a drink.
02:25:03.000 Well, I remember the Donovan song, but I didn't know it was a drink.
02:25:10.000 Yeah, it was a drink. 0.54
02:25:11.000 Like a really shitty Mountain Dew. 0.70
02:25:14.000 Like a Mountain Dew for people who couldn't find Mountain Dew. 0.98
02:25:18.000 That's like saying a lot of shitty Mountain Dew. 1.00
02:25:21.000 I'm shit-faced. 0.99
02:25:23.000 Yeah, we're hammered. 0.99
02:25:25.000 Are you too?
02:25:26.000 Yeah, definitely not.
02:25:27.000 Is that your ride, I hope?
02:25:28.000 Yeah, I'm going to get one of those.
02:25:29.000 I'm going to call one.
02:25:31.000 Call me Mountain Dew.
02:25:32.000 That was the song that Bob Dylan beat him down with.
02:25:37.000 There's a film of him parodying Donovan on stage in London.
02:25:44.000 It's inevitable.
02:25:46.000 There's continency even amongst amazing musicians.
02:25:49.000 That's a good song, that Mellow Yellow song.
02:25:52.000 How dare you, Bob Dylan. 1.00
02:25:53.000 Fuck you, Bob Dylan. 1.00
02:25:55.000 He's going nowhere. 1.00
02:25:56.000 He wrote all along the watchtower.
02:25:59.000 He did. 0.99
02:25:59.000 Goddamn, that was good. 0.99
02:26:01.000 That was one of the few songs where I appreciate it equally, whether it's Dylan or Hendrix. 0.91
02:26:07.000 Either one of them.
02:26:09.000 They got their own weird little bend on it. 0.99
02:26:14.000 You don't even give a fuck about music, do you? 0.96
02:26:16.000 Not at all. 0.99
02:26:18.000 If you talk about football, that's the same way I feel. 0.99
02:26:21.000 I don't even give a shit about football. 1.00
02:26:24.000 Worst Super Bowl fucking ever. 0.99
02:26:26.000 You have said some outrageous things during this podcast, Doug Stanhoe. 1.00
02:26:31.000 This is uncharacteristic.
02:26:33.000 Well, not the Super Bowl. 1.00
02:26:33.000 Fucking Denver against Carolina, it stinks. 1.00
02:26:37.000 Why? 1.00
02:26:38.000 Why does it stink?
02:26:39.000 No one cares about those teams.
02:26:41.000 Everyone cares about Peyton Manning.
02:26:43.000 Peyton Manning is a god.
02:26:46.000 I like Peyton Manning.
02:26:47.000 He does funny commercials.
02:26:49.000 Wait a minute, you've got the two most- He's funny!
02:26:51.000 Peyton Manning can actually do funny, and that's what I love about him.
02:26:55.000 Well, him and Tom Brady seem to be designed to make the perfect person. 0.99
02:27:00.000 If they could just get together and fuck the same girl- Tom Brady can't do funny? 1.00
02:27:02.000 And there's two sperm lassoed together, like one of those high school ropes we have to climb in the gym. 0.99
02:27:08.000 If the two sperm intersect the egg at the exact same time and create a superpower, Any time an athlete can actually pull off even a little bit of funny where you didn't expect it, it's hilarious.
02:27:20.000 George Foreman was hilarious when he was making his comeback.
02:27:24.000 They say, I won't fight a man unless he's in bed on a respirator.
02:27:30.000 I make sure they're off their respirator for at least eight days before I'll fight them.
02:27:34.000 That's a quote from George Foreman.
02:27:36.000 He was hilarious during his comeback.
02:27:38.000 He was.
02:27:39.000 So when comedy is unexpected, it's the best.
02:27:42.000 Yeah.
02:27:43.000 Well, George Foreman... 0.96
02:27:44.000 You ever been at a bar where you're saying some funny shit and they go, what do you do for a living? 0.96
02:27:48.000 After everyone at an unknown bar likes you and then you go, I'm a stand-up comedian and they go, oh. 0.96
02:27:56.000 Now they're judging everything you say.
02:28:00.000 You've had that before?
02:28:02.000 Yeah, I drink in a lot of unknown bars.
02:28:05.000 And you just start like, well, here's one of my favorite Doug stories. 1.00
02:28:09.000 One of my favorite Doug stories is with the fucking boxing match in Vegas, and you were heckling, and HOLD HIM DOWN AND FUCK HIS FACE! IT'LL DESTROY HIS CONFIDENCE! This is the prelims. 1.00
02:28:24.000 This is the prelims of this boxing match.
02:28:26.000 Listening audience, you have to understand when you go to whatever is boxing or UFC, the undercard, no one's there.
02:28:34.000 They're all out getting drinks and waiting for the thing that they don't understand to happen that's at the end.
02:28:40.000 So it's dead silent bingo hall church silence.
02:28:46.000 So you can heckle from the back row, but Joe Rogan got a second row.
02:28:52.000 So it's absolutely quiet, and we're in there heckling.
02:28:57.000 Let me take it from here. 1.00
02:28:59.000 Try fucking him in the ass! 1.00
02:29:00.000 No, no, no. 1.00
02:29:00.000 Let me take it from here because I wasn't heckling at all. 1.00
02:29:03.000 Because Douglas doesn't do marijuana.
02:29:06.000 Joseph does marijuana.
02:29:07.000 Douglas does alcohol.
02:29:09.000 Joseph does marijuana.
02:29:10.000 And Joseph's freaking out.
02:29:12.000 Because Douglas is heckling the boxing matches.
02:29:14.000 And I'm on your ticket. 0.99
02:29:15.000 And I'm fucking laughing! 0.98
02:29:16.000 You're the one who brought me in, so I'm kind of your responsibility. 0.98
02:29:20.000 Yeah.
02:29:20.000 Try making him come!
02:29:22.000 That always knocks me out like a light.
02:29:25.000 Wait till two seconds to go and say, you just got punked!
02:29:32.000 I don't remember that one.
02:29:34.000 That was what I remember.
02:29:35.000 It was like five fights in a row with no one in the arena.
02:29:39.000 The boxers could hear you.
02:29:42.000 Well, no, no, no.
02:29:44.000 He's being too humble here.
02:29:46.000 He started getting laughs.
02:29:50.000 And that became a problem.
02:29:51.000 It became a problem because- It's always a problem. 1.00
02:29:53.000 There was one of them- I don't know, I think it was hold him down and fuck his face. 1.00
02:29:58.000 That was the one that broke the waterfall. 1.00
02:30:02.000 Hold him down and fuck his ass! 1.00
02:30:04.000 It'll break his confidence! 1.00
02:30:06.000 Let me tell you something about how Doug Stanhope will heckle a boxing match. 1.00
02:30:10.000 When he starts the right way, he doesn't just dive right into the hold him down and fuck his face. 1.00
02:30:16.000 He starts with some light jams, and then he builds up, and then it gets more and more bizarre, and then it got to the hold him down and fuck his face. 1.00
02:30:25.000 But when he said hold him down and fuck his face, I remember just hearing people go, oh shit. 1.00
02:30:31.000 Well, Don King showed up at some point. 1.00
02:30:34.000 Don King showed up.
02:30:35.000 I don't remember the Don King heckle, but Don King showed up while you can still hear my heckles.
02:30:40.000 And what was the name of his movie?
02:30:44.000 Only in America.
02:30:45.000 Only in America can you...
02:30:48.000 I yelled something. 1.00
02:30:50.000 Only in America can you fuck over someone. 1.00
02:30:53.000 You had so many other signs. 1.00
02:30:54.000 But he was there and could hear every word I said.
02:30:58.000 Well, you started getting laughs.
02:30:59.000 And that's what had happened.
02:31:01.000 You started getting big laughs.
02:31:02.000 And then it became kind of a weird stand-up show. 0.99
02:31:07.000 Oh, it was so ridiculous. 0.89
02:31:09.000 Oh, it was so much fun. 0.99
02:31:10.000 He's one of the weirdest guys.
02:31:12.000 Virgil Hill, he was fighting that night, and Freddy Roach was his trainer.
02:31:18.000 Really?
02:31:18.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:31:19.000 Virgil Hill?
02:31:20.000 Freddy Roach was in the telemarketing business with me before he ever got into Parkinson's.
02:31:25.000 Or boxing, whatever.
02:31:27.000 It started out with boxing and then showed its true form when it became Parkinson's. 0.97
02:31:32.000 Him and his brother Pepper, they're both punchy as fuck, but I did telemarketing with him in the 80s in Vegas. 0.97
02:31:41.000 He's a nice guy, man. 0.98
02:31:43.000 I did an interview with him a long time ago for the UFC. It was probably like four or five years ago.
02:31:47.000 And he's such a nice guy.
02:31:50.000 Freddie Roach is so...
02:31:51.000 You know, he might be hindered by this Parkinson's disease, which he's pretty honest about, that it's trauma-related.
02:31:59.000 But he's pretty sharp underneath there, man. 0.97
02:32:02.000 He's not stupid. 0.99
02:32:03.000 Yeah, Parkinson's is one of those things. 0.99
02:32:05.000 I used to use that as an example of being drunk.
02:32:09.000 Yeah.
02:32:09.000 My motor skills are slow and I'm slurring and I'm stuttering.
02:32:13.000 My brain's working.
02:32:15.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:32:15.000 And that's what, you know, CP or fucking whatever. 0.99
02:32:19.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:32:21.000 Chris Crazy Legs Fonseca, the Denver comic.
02:32:25.000 He's got whatever it is, cerebral palsy.
02:32:27.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:32:28.000 He's also a wicked alcoholic. 0.96
02:32:33.000 That doesn't help. 0.97
02:32:34.000 And that's what being a drunk is like.
02:32:43.000 Yeah, my mind is functioning well, but the more I drink your Jack Daniels, the more my mouth goes like this.
02:32:53.000 But you also make bad choices.
02:32:55.000 There's bad choices to be made.
02:32:56.000 Cerebral palsy doesn't call hookers in the middle of the night going, I won't care in the morning.
02:33:02.000 Yeah, but could you be expected to not call hookers in the middle of the night if you have cerebral palsy?
02:33:06.000 Like, at that point, all bets are off, right?
02:33:08.000 No, I'm just saying cerebral palsy doesn't regret having cerebral palsy in the morning.
02:33:14.000 Right.
02:33:14.000 Oh, I get it.
02:33:15.000 I see what you're saying.
02:33:16.000 I was just drunk when I... Paid you $500 to not fuck me. 1.00
02:33:21.000 There's a long story behind this that I can't tell on the air. 0.99
02:33:26.000 Please hold.
02:33:28.000 Last night was a bad night, but we'll see.
02:33:31.000 Riders on the storm.
02:33:34.000 Funny, old Robbie Krieger there.
02:33:37.000 I don't know who's there.
02:33:41.000 You know, one of the things that I enjoy about you, Doug Stanhope, is that you still seem to be, at least to me, when I listen to your podcast especially, you're still trying to have fun.
02:33:54.000 You're still, no matter what weirdness comes your way, you try to break up. 0.98
02:34:00.000 Fucking chaos, road travel. 0.99
02:34:03.000 You're still trying to have fun. 1.00
02:34:06.000 Key word, trying.
02:34:08.000 You shouldn't have to try to have fun.
02:34:10.000 The same as a relationship.
02:34:12.000 You shouldn't have to try in a relationship.
02:34:15.000 People say, a relationship is really hard.
02:34:18.000 You have to really try.
02:34:20.000 Well, then no.
02:34:21.000 Do we try in our relationship? 0.99
02:34:23.000 We've been friends for fucking 15, 20 years. 0.86
02:34:26.000 I try to see you as much as possible. 0.98
02:34:29.000 That's the try.
02:34:30.000 Do you know I'm gonna have to like let's go to counseling to be friends?
02:34:36.000 No, you don't know if it's a good relationship You don't have to try when I hear people doing the counseling thing. 0.99
02:34:42.000 I'm like, oh man Fuck awful. 0.96
02:34:45.000 Well, you know As long as you don't have to keep doing it like one of the problems with counseling Is a lot of people that need counseling... 0.99
02:34:53.000 You've done it?
02:34:54.000 No.
02:34:54.000 Okay.
02:34:55.000 No.
02:34:56.000 But I have on my own.
02:34:57.000 You said it like you had.
02:34:58.000 Being like going into isolation tanks.
02:35:00.000 That's my own form of counseling.
02:35:03.000 Pot cookies or any sort of pot edible in an isolation tank is so much more intensely introspective than any other person that you don't really know.
02:35:14.000 Like, you know you.
02:35:15.000 You know you.
02:35:17.000 So if you...
02:35:18.000 If you do like some real heavy dose of edible marijuana in an isolation tank, you get to look at yourself in like a really weirdly introspective way, you know?
02:35:32.000 You know, I think that's one of the things that's so fun about alcohol, is it frees you from a lot of the nonsense that's involved in introspective thought with a finite lifespan.
02:35:43.000 You know? 0.99
02:35:44.000 How much are you going to figure out, bitch? 1.00
02:35:47.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:35:48.000 How much are you going to figure out? 0.91
02:35:49.000 You're going to die no matter what.
02:35:53.000 That's the freedom that alcohol sort of throws your way, is the freedom of realization.
02:36:02.000 That sometimes moments are critically important.
02:36:06.000 They are sometimes more important in the future.
02:36:10.000 The same way you must enjoy the theater of...
02:36:17.000 Like, smoking pot.
02:36:20.000 The way you chop up lines, you don't do coke.
02:36:23.000 The ceremony.
02:36:24.000 Yes.
02:36:25.000 Chopping up lines and then finding a straw and doing that.
02:36:29.000 I love that with alcohol.
02:36:32.000 I carry my own cocktail straws.
02:36:36.000 Because I like a short glass with a small cocktail straw.
02:36:40.000 I like the ceremony of it.
02:36:43.000 Yeah.
02:36:44.000 There's something to that. 1.00
02:36:45.000 And then I get drunk, and you go, fuck it, I'm just gonna drink off a... 1.00
02:36:48.000 Well, you know what my thoughts are on that? 1.00
02:36:50.000 Rogan's bottle of beer.
02:36:51.000 Drink it.
02:36:52.000 Drink it.
02:36:52.000 Look at the ceremony!
02:36:54.000 I have thoughts on that.
02:36:55.000 Do you ever go to the place where you grew up, and you visit, and you have this weird feeling?
02:37:02.000 I haven't been to the place where I lived when I was in high school until I was like 44, or 45, or something like that.
02:37:10.000 I went back.
02:37:12.000 And when I went back for the first time in all those years, it was really bizarre.
02:37:16.000 I was like, there's like an attachment of ideas that I have to this place.
02:37:21.000 You know?
02:37:22.000 And I think that kind of carries on.
02:37:26.000 Absolutely.
02:37:27.000 You know what I mean?
02:37:29.000 Having to write that book, memories I have...
02:37:33.000 Not shut out, I just...
02:37:35.000 They don't matter.
02:37:36.000 But I had to go back to write that book, and I... Just remembering these things that happened, I'm like, oh, that's that feeling. 0.98
02:37:47.000 When I was doing that dumb run for president and had to go back to a fucking high school to talk to people about it. 0.90
02:37:57.000 It was a short-lived, funny idea that wasn't funny at all, but walking into a high school, all that fear was... 0.98
02:38:06.000 Absolutely relevant in 2007, like I was in 1979. Right.
02:38:12.000 I'm terrified of being in a high school.
02:38:15.000 Someone's gonna beat me up.
02:38:17.000 Someone's gonna pick on me.
02:38:18.000 Was just right there at the surface.
02:38:22.000 So, yeah, there's definitely a correlation.
02:38:26.000 I remember when you were doing that run for president thing, and you realized, like, early on, there's no way you could do stand-up.
02:38:35.000 Because any money I made from stand-up would be donations to...
02:38:42.000 And then you have to...
02:38:44.000 I can't do taxes!
02:38:45.000 When I do my taxes, I just overpay on their behalf because I suck at math so bad that if you ever audited me, you'd owe me money.
02:38:56.000 Does that make sense though? 0.56
02:38:58.000 I stink at it.
02:39:00.000 But why would they be so terrified of people speaking publicly? 0.55
02:39:04.000 Because that's what it is.
02:39:05.000 What it is about your shows.
02:39:07.000 If you were a dentist and you were running for president, I would assume that you would still be able to work on people's teeth, right?
02:39:14.000 But as a public performer, if you are going to be some sort of a political figure, like you're going to have a voice on a soapbox in front of all these people with a microphone, you can't do anything else on a microphone.
02:39:27.000 Because it's kind of the same thing.
02:39:29.000 In their eyes, there's something that's really similar between someone doing a politician act and someone doing a stand-up act.
02:39:37.000 They're almost interchangeable.
02:39:39.000 They're essentially admitting that it's show business. 0.99
02:39:42.000 There's no two drink minimum at a fucking Donald Trump event. 0.99
02:39:45.000 There should be. 0.99
02:39:47.000 Should be. 0.89
02:39:47.000 It'd be fucking awesome. 0.89
02:39:48.000 Can you imagine? 0.98
02:39:49.000 I love the Trump thing.
02:39:50.000 Just wait. 0.99
02:39:51.000 It's the countdown until someone screams nigger. 0.99
02:39:55.000 Sitting in the audience, feeding them drinks. 0.99
02:39:59.000 Just waiting. 0.99
02:40:00.000 Just waiting for someone to fucking pop the N-word fuse. 0.99
02:40:04.000 Just get them drunk enough. 1.00
02:40:06.000 Get a fucking giant room full of Trump supporters drunk enough. 0.99
02:40:09.000 People say that, oh, as a comic, wouldn't it be great if Trump got elected because you'd have so much material? 1.00
02:40:16.000 No, I'd have so much entertainment.
02:40:18.000 You wouldn't need material.
02:40:20.000 You know comics who just find a News of the Weird article and just repeat it on stage?
02:40:26.000 No, the joke was already written in the News of the Weird article.
02:40:30.000 You need punchlines.
02:40:32.000 Trump would be hilarious to me.
02:40:34.000 I wouldn't use it as material because it's inherently funny like a News of the Weird article.
02:40:39.000 Does that make sense?
02:40:40.000 Yes, it does.
02:40:41.000 It is kind of, right?
02:40:42.000 But how much weirder is he than Mitt Romney? 0.99
02:40:46.000 Because if I have to choose between a guy who's, you know, just a part of some weird fucking ideology... 0.98
02:40:54.000 Yeah, weird ideology, or a guy who's just a super ambitious... 0.96
02:40:59.000 Reality star, who's also a billionaire, real estate developer.
02:41:03.000 I'm going with that guy, even if he says he's an entertainer.
02:41:06.000 Yeah, he's an entertainer.
02:41:07.000 He's doing this for entertainment for himself.
02:41:09.000 Yes, he's a meglomania.
02:41:11.000 But maybe not just. 0.99
02:41:13.000 He doesn't give a fuck about you or the country, but he's entertaining. 0.98
02:41:16.000 Maybe a little. 0.98
02:41:18.000 Maybe a little.
02:41:19.000 Remember when Barack first got elected and you thought, oh, maybe things will really change and within minutes you go, nah, nah.
02:41:28.000 Yeah, black people and white people are the same.
02:41:31.000 It's just the amount of money they have.
02:41:35.000 It was a moment where I think I kind of, for the first time in my life, understood that to be someone that gets into a position, like being the president or something like that, the idea that that one person makes all the calls for all the decisions that get made about all the functions of our government and education system and And first responders and cops and firefighters.
02:42:01.000 There's no way.
02:42:02.000 There's no way.
02:42:03.000 There's no way you can pin it on one guy.
02:42:05.000 You just can't do it.
02:42:06.000 No.
02:42:06.000 It's nuts.
02:42:08.000 Name one president that has affected your life.
02:42:13.000 That your life wouldn't have gone that way regardless.
02:42:17.000 Ronald Reagan.
02:42:17.000 Him and his wife.
02:42:18.000 What happened? 0.82
02:42:18.000 What happened to you that Ronald Reagan fucked up everything for your life specifically? 0.82
02:42:23.000 Just say no.
02:42:24.000 They're people, dude.
02:42:25.000 They said just say no.
02:42:27.000 Kim Jong-il!
02:42:28.000 Listen, I'm a fan of Narcos.
02:42:30.000 It's on Netflix.
02:42:31.000 I haven't watched it yet.
02:42:33.000 Get on it.
02:42:34.000 Immediately.
02:42:35.000 Spoiler alert.
02:42:35.000 You know why I haven't watched it yet?
02:42:37.000 Because I think that I have things I have to do.
02:42:40.000 And I don't.
02:42:41.000 So I'm putting off narcos until I have some time off from the life I have that's sedentary anyway, but I have a list.
02:42:51.000 What is it, creating a murderer?
02:42:53.000 I told you I'm too drunk to be on this podcast.
02:42:55.000 Making a murderer.
02:42:56.000 Have you gone there yet?
02:42:57.000 If you have not watched The Staircase...
02:43:02.000 Watch that, and then watch Making a Murderer, because Making a Murderer will make you very upset for about 24 hours, and then you, in hindsight, go, yeah, he probably did it.
02:43:14.000 Watch The Staircase, which is like 15 years old.
02:43:18.000 Where they give full access to the prosecution as well.
02:43:23.000 Making a murderer is completely biased.
02:43:27.000 They're trying to make you think that guy's innocent.
02:43:30.000 Then you find out behind the scenes, oh, that girl from the auto trader, he had called several times, answered the door in a bathrobe once.
02:43:40.000 She asked to not have to go there, the guy he murdered.
02:43:45.000 Right, right.
02:43:46.000 Actually, he did murder.
02:43:48.000 Sue me.
02:43:48.000 You think so?
02:43:50.000 The staircase, by the way, is available on Netflix, but only on disc.
02:43:54.000 You have to order it.
02:43:55.000 This is a big, giant spoiler alert.
02:43:58.000 Didn't Whitney Cummings say to watch that?
02:44:01.000 Was her recommend?
02:44:02.000 Staircase?
02:44:02.000 You know what?
02:44:03.000 I would fuck Whitney Cummings if I could just change her act. 1.00
02:44:12.000 You heard it here first. 1.00
02:44:14.000 Her sister is my yoga teacher.
02:44:17.000 She's very nice. 1.00
02:44:18.000 Let's not get fucking five degrees of Kevin Bacon up in this bitch. 1.00
02:44:22.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99
02:44:24.000 Whitney, that was just a callback to an earlier joke and it's not at your expense.
02:44:29.000 Riders on the storm.
02:44:31.000 Get me out of here! 1.00
02:44:32.000 I'm fucking drunk. 0.99
02:44:33.000 I gotta go home. 0.99
02:44:34.000 I booked a ticket.
02:44:35.000 I gotta leave tomorrow.
02:44:36.000 What's happening?
02:44:37.000 Nine.
02:44:37.000 Are you okay?
02:44:39.000 A.M.? No, I fucking left. 0.99
02:44:40.000 I came here. 0.99
02:44:41.000 A.M.? I didn't say which 9, but I have to leave at 9. Well, it can't be PM. That's a long time from now.
02:44:48.000 I have no sympathy if it's PM. I'm drunk as shit. 0.99
02:44:53.000 We're still okay. 1.00
02:44:54.000 We're good.
02:44:55.000 We're alright. 1.00
02:44:56.000 Hannigan, you're in charge of this fucking ship, right? 0.99
02:44:58.000 I had a question for you, Joe. 1.00
02:45:00.000 He has a question for you, Joe.
02:45:03.000 You used two phrases.
02:45:04.000 Are they your phrases, or do they come from somewhere?
02:45:06.000 Which one?
02:45:07.000 Obsessive struggle and mental mortgage.
02:45:11.000 I don't think I can claim either one of them, but obsessive struggle, I think, the first time I said it, I think, was just then.
02:45:19.000 I don't believe I've said that before.
02:45:21.000 Okay.
02:45:21.000 But the idea is...
02:45:23.000 Amy Shimmer said it.
02:45:28.000 Someone had a swing at a tee ball.
02:45:30.000 We should be careful about how we express our opinion about this Amy Schumer thing without being completely serious.
02:45:38.000 Yeah, it's another podcast.
02:45:40.000 I'm too drunk to defend my...
02:45:42.000 I don't want to jeopardize Doug's career.
02:45:48.000 You live here.
02:45:49.000 I don't live around comedy.
02:45:50.000 You have more knowledge.
02:45:52.000 I would defend Amy Schumer, but with blanks, because I don't know.
02:45:56.000 Yeah, I don't know either.
02:45:58.000 I think what's been proven is that the real egregious ones that people believe are an issue were written by other people.
02:46:07.000 Written by writers.
02:46:09.000 That's why I was gonna use Amy Schumer, who I know nothing about other than I laughed at her special. 0.99
02:46:16.000 But there were times where Bill Maher did shit where you go, that's fucking mine. 0.99
02:46:23.000 Because I'm a... 1.00
02:46:25.000 I don't think it's his fault, though. 0.97
02:46:26.000 I'm not a pedestrian fucking comic, and I would blame the writers. 0.97
02:46:29.000 Yes. 0.99
02:46:30.000 But I don't care, because I can write other shit. 0.99
02:46:33.000 Well, there was a time where they kicked writers out of the back of the comedy store, because they were writing for a sketch show. 0.98
02:46:40.000 And they were going on stage, these comics were going on stage, and coming up with these funny premises that would wind up on these television sketch shows.
02:46:49.000 It would wind up being acted out in a sketch.
02:46:51.000 And the people that were the writers of this sketch show would go to the comedy store and sit in the back room.
02:46:56.000 And they got kicked out.
02:46:58.000 Yeah, and they got kicked out because they were, you know, this was like in the 90s-ish. 0.99
02:47:03.000 You could get away with doing that kind of shit, you know? 0.96
02:47:06.000 Well, it's not, it's like, to put it all on her shoulders is where it gets weird. 1.00
02:47:11.000 It's like, who the fuck knows who's writing those sketches, you know? 0.97
02:47:16.000 Who knows who's writing those things? 0.97
02:47:17.000 The point is, if she's already said it, then it should be done. 0.93
02:47:22.000 If she said it publicly, if you're in the back of the comedy store when someone's working out some shit, I've had several people do shit that I already put out on DVD. One of them became famous because of one of Kevin Booth's word of mouth bit. 0.93
02:47:43.000 He's admitted to me that he stole that bit.
02:47:47.000 But I stopped doing that because I put it on a DVD. And he's a nice guy.
02:47:52.000 He's got some problems. 0.99
02:47:54.000 But I don't give a fuck. 0.99
02:47:55.000 I've got real problems in life. 0.99
02:47:58.000 It's just become...
02:48:00.000 It's not like saying that someone comes up with somebody else's idea they can never come up with their own.
02:48:05.000 Because you still can.
02:48:07.000 But...
02:48:09.000 You're way better off just trying to come up with all your own ideas.
02:48:13.000 If you came out with a story about euthanizing your own mother or attending that euthanization...
02:48:21.000 Like your bit.
02:48:25.000 I already put it out. 0.99
02:48:27.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99
02:48:28.000 Well, the only way someone would ever be able to get away with it is if it was their experience... 1.00
02:48:36.000 And they acknowledged that they had heard of your experience as well.
02:48:40.000 If someone became famous because of that...
02:48:46.000 Yeah, but...
02:48:47.000 And you're going... 0.98
02:48:49.000 But if some open-miker tried to do it, you're going to be fucking called out eventually. 1.00
02:48:54.000 Fuck you. 1.00
02:48:54.000 I don't care. 1.00
02:48:55.000 My life moves on.
02:48:57.000 I have real problems in my life.
02:48:59.000 But let me ask you this, because that's an intensely personal thing.
02:49:02.000 If an open-miker, say, really did have an experience where his mother wanted him to help her commit suicide, and he went through with it, and she died, and he decided to...
02:49:16.000 Do a bit about it, but acknowledging that he had seen your bit as well.
02:49:23.000 Like, not going down the same...
02:49:25.000 If he went through with it, he would not have to acknowledge me at all.
02:49:29.000 Well, I think he should.
02:49:30.000 If someone stole that blatantly from me, that's a different story.
02:49:34.000 But... 0.99
02:49:34.000 And I still wouldn't give a fuck, because I have real problems. 0.99
02:49:37.000 But to eliminate doubt. 0.98
02:49:38.000 Like, if a guy only has on stage an hour, right?
02:49:42.000 You don't want anybody in a state of confusion going...
02:49:46.000 Doug Stanhope does a joke about putting his mother to death.
02:49:49.000 You have to address that, because it's a big joke that you have.
02:49:53.000 It's a really well-respected and enjoyed joke.
02:49:58.000 So if someone was a Doug Stanhope fan, and they came to see this new dude, and this new dude really did have to help his mom kill herself, right?
02:50:07.000 And he said, well, I just have to say, before I talk about this, One of my favorite comedians, Doug Stanhope, or a guy I think is fairly mediocre, but extremely exciting.
02:50:19.000 Like, whatever description he has for you.
02:50:21.000 He should have to admit, I'm a Doug Stanhope fan, I've listened to his comedy, I think he's great, and I couldn't believe this was happening to me as well.
02:50:30.000 Like, then he's talking about his own life experience.
02:50:33.000 Like, you can't eliminate a person's life experience from their repertoire, right?
02:50:37.000 But I think, like, to make it easier for everybody listening, they should probably acknowledge.
02:50:43.000 Like, if someone did have to help their mom commit suicide, they should have to say, in some sort of a way...
02:50:50.000 They shouldn't have to, but it would be smart to say...
02:50:53.000 I've done that, where I go...
02:50:55.000 Like so-and-so said, but this happened to me. 0.99
02:50:59.000 A question would be, going back to something Joe said earlier, which was, what if that person is Chris Rock, who's so much bigger, and nobody knows who the fuck you are? 0.98
02:51:14.000 Well, then you ask Joe Rogan to step in and go, I'm sorry, Carlos, but Ari already did that. 0.98
02:51:21.000 And then you crush...
02:51:23.000 There's not a whole lot of guys that get to that spot.
02:51:26.000 His career, and I don't know if it's because you deflated his ego so much, or his confidence, or the people spoke out, but after that incident, he disappeared.
02:51:40.000 He went down to my level, where if we're doing a Wednesday...
02:51:45.000 At the Cleveland Improv, one show only, he's doing a Thursday, or vice versa.
02:51:51.000 But honestly, that is not a bad thing.
02:51:55.000 What his life is, is really good.
02:51:57.000 If he's headlining in these really nice clubs all over the country, he's not in a bad place.
02:52:04.000 What happened there was...
02:52:08.000 All judgment aside, there was like a blip in the matrix.
02:52:14.000 There was a problem with the operating system.
02:52:17.000 There was a real issue with how things were going.
02:52:21.000 And guys like all of us, anybody that was watching it was going, well, people are being... 0.98
02:52:26.000 They're being fucking victimized here. 0.97
02:52:27.000 We've got a real problem here. 0.99
02:52:29.000 It wasn't even taken from me.
02:52:31.000 He wasn't taken from you.
02:52:32.000 But it was some weird parasitic situation that had been accepted into the community because of sort of...
02:52:38.000 I don't like the term reverse racism, but there's some weird thing about choosing to like...
02:52:45.000 Pretend that some guy's Mexican just because you think there's a market for Mexicans.
02:52:49.000 And this guy goes in there and starts stealing people's bits and everybody accepts everything. 1.00
02:52:54.000 And then the artists are sitting back going, what the fuck are you doing? 0.94
02:52:58.000 You guys have found some weird vein, some weird river of revenue and attention. 0.94
02:53:04.000 And in this river of revenue and attention, you have to have a specific sort of stereotypical ethnicity.
02:53:10.000 So let's change your name. 0.99
02:53:14.000 But that's exactly where you should not give a fuck because those are not the people you want to talk to. 0.99
02:53:21.000 The whole idea that, well, oh, he only likes them. 0.99
02:53:25.000 That's why I always hate the audience instead of the artist.
02:53:29.000 If you can be a televangelist and make a lot of people clap, yeah, I'm going to hate you, but I can't hate you too much because you've got...
02:53:40.000 Just like we have.
02:53:42.000 We have a cult.
02:53:43.000 You have a cult.
02:53:44.000 I have a cult.
02:53:45.000 Our cults co-mingle. 1.00
02:53:47.000 But we're fucking leaders of a cult. 1.00
02:53:50.000 How dare you, Doug Stanhope. 1.00
02:53:52.000 Reveal the game. 1.00
02:53:53.000 You have fucking t-shirts for your cult. 1.00
02:53:56.000 Well, they're just cool t-shirts. 1.00
02:53:58.000 They're great.
02:53:59.000 This is K-Man Coffee.
02:54:00.000 This is Tate Fletcher's shirt.
02:54:03.000 Point is, people want to be led.
02:54:06.000 And you get upset when they're led poorly by some...
02:54:10.000 He's not even Mexican! 1.00
02:54:12.000 Well, they don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:54:13.000 Well, that's not the issue. 1.00
02:54:15.000 It's the audience who is always the problem.
02:54:17.000 No, people didn't feel like they could go on stage in front of him if they weren't famous, because he would do their stuff on Comedy Central.
02:54:25.000 Right.
02:54:26.000 And their stuff would no longer be their stuff. 0.59
02:54:27.000 Because if a guy's, you know, Lupe Fiasco, and he's going up fucking Thursday night at the Comedy Store...
02:54:35.000 I've been out of the loop for a while, but there's a million channels between the internet and TV and everything, so I could actually steal people's material and they would never know because...
02:54:50.000 It's such a broad spectrum.
02:54:53.000 There's not four channels like when we were kids.
02:54:57.000 And, oh, he said that on Johnny Carson last night.
02:55:00.000 You could steal material. 1.00
02:55:05.000 Fucking Fitzsimmons. 0.99
02:55:07.000 Fitzsimmons had a bit on one of his CDs that was one of my bits. 0.99
02:55:12.000 I know he didn't steal it.
02:55:13.000 And then I had one a bit.
02:55:16.000 And I called him up.
02:55:18.000 And I go, you know what, you hit one of my bits, and I'm doing more of your bits. 1.00
02:55:25.000 And he's like, I don't give a fuck. 0.99
02:55:27.000 Well, Fitzsimmons, he's a guy, if somehow or another you guys tread on the same territory, it's not by accident. 0.99
02:55:37.000 I mean, it's not on purpose.
02:55:38.000 It's definitely by accident.
02:55:39.000 It's definitely a case of parallel thinking.
02:55:41.000 But you would always know that if you know Fitzsimmons.
02:55:44.000 But I felt very comfortable in doing that bit even after I heard Fitzsimmons do it on a CD. Because I know he knows I didn't steal it.
02:55:56.000 Of course.
02:55:57.000 Yeah, I thought of this.
02:55:58.000 I know you...
02:56:01.000 Comedy used to be a very small community.
02:56:04.000 Maybe it's bigger when you live in LA. Well, it is with a guy like Fitzsimmons.
02:56:09.000 With Fitzsimmons, it's a real small community because he'll be 100% real with you.
02:56:13.000 If you've talked to him about... 0.99
02:56:15.000 No fucking Fitzsimmons. 0.99
02:56:16.000 Yeah, he's not... 1.00
02:56:17.000 It's not possible for him to be a thief.
02:56:22.000 It'd be like breathing underwater.
02:56:24.000 He's never going to be a thief.
02:56:25.000 Bill Burr, I was...
02:56:26.000 100%.
02:56:27.000 Same thing.
02:56:27.000 One of the things we filmed for the BBC, I'm like, I have this, it's just a riffing, topical thing, and I called him up, I go, did you do that?
02:56:36.000 I swear I heard this on your podcast.
02:56:39.000 And he goes, I don't remember saying that.
02:56:41.000 I go, are you sure?
02:56:42.000 Because I'm about to do this thing for the BBC, riffing on concussions or something.
02:56:49.000 And I still swear he did it, but he doesn't know.
02:56:54.000 He goes, no, I don't remember saying that.
02:56:56.000 Go ahead, do it.
02:56:56.000 But thanks.
02:56:57.000 Good heads up.
02:56:58.000 So do you think you heard it from him, or do you think you also thought of it?
02:57:01.000 No, I think I heard it from him, and I checked with him, and he swears he never said it.
02:57:07.000 How can you remember?
02:57:09.000 No one talks more than him, if you think about it, because he's the only one talking on most of his podcasts.
02:57:14.000 I know, I don't remember my podcasts after I... Either he brings his wife in, and they have a little chit-chat, or it's him by himself.
02:57:23.000 I gotta go.
02:57:27.000 Did I ruin it with my Bill Burr impression?
02:57:31.000 I thought I did a great Bill Burr and somebody goes, stop doing that.
02:57:35.000 One person tweeted, stop thinking you sound like Bill Burr.
02:57:41.000 One person.
02:57:42.000 And it got my head.
02:57:42.000 Ruins the whole party.
02:57:44.000 You fucking cocksuckers. 1.00
02:57:45.000 You fucking cocksuckers. 1.00
02:57:47.000 Burr is the most amazing podcast to me because it's just Burr. 1.00
02:57:51.000 Yeah.
02:57:51.000 It's just him.
02:57:53.000 Have you done a podcast with him before?
02:57:56.000 Yeah.
02:57:57.000 One time, and it was a terrible morning.
02:58:00.000 We just gotta wind him up.
02:58:01.000 Burr is like one of those guys, he'll like change subjects, like in the middle of talking, he'll turn another corner and take you down a road, another rant, and turn another corner, take you down another rant.
02:58:11.000 You just gotta like enjoy the ride. 0.98
02:58:12.000 He treated me like with such kit gloves, I was so fucked up wearing a leisure suit. 0.98
02:58:19.000 You insisted on me driving with the top down? 1.00
02:58:22.000 I'd just done four hours of blow with a fucking musical artist named Marilyn. 1.00
02:58:29.000 How dare you? 1.00
02:58:30.000 How dare you kiss and tell? 1.00
02:58:31.000 Sweating fucking just olive oil and... 1.00
02:58:35.000 It was a good Hollywood moment. 0.99
02:58:38.000 Burr's one of the guys that I most look forward to watching right now.
02:58:43.000 Like, if I was a stand-up comedy fan, if I'd never done stand-up before and I was like, what do I like?
02:58:49.000 I would go see Burr every chance I could.
02:58:52.000 Burr and Joey Diaz.
02:58:53.000 If you could just give me Burr and Joey Diaz at the same comedy club every weekend...
02:58:58.000 You could live in Bisbee, Arizona.
02:59:00.000 Just have Burr and Joey Diaz every weekend.
02:59:03.000 I would take Joey over Burr only because I like to see the chance of a flame-out.
02:59:12.000 It's the difference between IndyCar driving and going to Tonopah Speedway where everyone has a fucking Vega with a Cessna engine jacked up into it and they hope it'll work.
02:59:26.000 Did you ever see that video of that guy? 0.94
02:59:28.000 Is this Tony Stewart, the guy that killed that guy on the racetrack?
02:59:32.000 Yeah.
02:59:32.000 Some guy got out of his car.
02:59:34.000 Tony Stewart hit him with his car.
02:59:36.000 It's so crazy to watch.
02:59:38.000 But I remember thinking, like, that guy in NASCAR, like, that's NASCAR, that Tony Stewart guy, that guy drives on the dirt, too?
02:59:47.000 Like, he drives on the dirt in, like, a dune buggy. 0.99
02:59:49.000 And the people he drives with, they get mad, they get out of their fucking car, and you run them over? 1.00
02:59:54.000 Like, what? 1.00
02:59:55.000 What? 1.00
02:59:56.000 They get out of their fucking car. 1.00
02:59:58.000 Could you imagine if someone in NASCAR got out of their fucking car? 1.00
03:00:02.000 How fast are those guys going? 1.00
03:00:04.000 I have no idea.
03:00:05.000 200?
03:00:06.000 200 miles an hour?
03:00:06.000 Something like that, yeah.
03:00:10.000 But that's kind of the same thing, right?
03:00:12.000 Yeah.
03:00:13.000 Kind of the same thing.
03:00:14.000 But it's the idea that you'd get out and stand in the way of a car.
03:00:16.000 That was bizarre.
03:00:17.000 The guy got out and stood there.
03:00:19.000 I think because the Tony Stewart guy's car hid his car, and so he got out.
03:00:26.000 Oh, Jesus, Jamie, why'd you make us watch that?
03:00:28.000 Dude got tumbled under that car.
03:00:31.000 God, that's so awful.
03:00:33.000 A downer for the end.
03:00:34.000 Dead?
03:00:35.000 That's so awful.
03:00:36.000 Oh, yeah, he's dead.
03:00:38.000 Yeah, that guy's dead.
03:00:39.000 His whole family was upset, and they blamed it on the driver.
03:00:42.000 Really?
03:00:42.000 His family was upset because he was killed?
03:00:45.000 They blamed it on the driver.
03:00:48.000 I don't know enough about driving.
03:00:50.000 I don't know enough about driving to determine whether or not he did something wrong.
03:00:54.000 I know enough tonight.
03:00:55.000 I can drive.
03:00:56.000 I'm fine.
03:00:57.000 Yee-haw! 1.00
03:00:58.000 Ah!
03:00:59.000 I know enough about lawyers.
03:01:02.000 Right, but how does one make the distinction whether or not he's at fault?
03:01:06.000 That's a tricky distinction, right?
03:01:09.000 I mean, that guy just standing out there in the middle of the track, that's insane.
03:01:12.000 I was watching football yesterday. 0.99
03:01:15.000 Where we're watching fucking helmet-to-helmet contact. 1.00
03:01:19.000 That's assault and battery, like, intent to fuck. 1.00
03:01:23.000 That's attempted murder, basically. 0.99
03:01:25.000 You're maiming people in a way. 0.51
03:01:27.000 I mean, you're smashing people.
03:01:29.000 If I head-butted some dude at a bar, could I get a 15-yard penalty and that's it?
03:01:36.000 But, here's the question.
03:01:37.000 Can you totally 100% be responsible for head-on-head collisions if you didn't intend them to be a head-on-head collision and you're running full clip towards some guy who's trying to not have you tackle him? 0.98
03:01:50.000 Like some crazy shit happens, right? 0.84
03:01:52.000 Like you have to take that into consideration. 0.98
03:01:54.000 But if it is intentional, would it not completely go to the criminal element where you go...
03:01:59.000 Yes, if it was against the law, if it was against the rules...
03:02:02.000 That happened once in hockey. 0.96
03:02:06.000 Brashear, I think, where he got fucking whacked with a stick and the guy did time. 0.99
03:02:10.000 Horrific. 0.99
03:02:11.000 That was horrific.
03:02:12.000 See, hockey's a problem.
03:02:15.000 Here's one of the problems with hockey.
03:02:17.000 It's awesome.
03:02:18.000 That's one problem.
03:02:20.000 And one of the reasons why it's awesome is they let them fight.
03:02:22.000 Oh no, it's awesome because of HD. Now when you have 60 inches of high definition, now you can watch this fucking sport and you can love it. 0.98
03:02:32.000 Well, I love hockey too for the same reason I love music. 1.00
03:02:34.000 Because I have zero fucking talent. 0.99
03:02:36.000 I can't even skate. 1.00
03:02:37.000 If I got on skates, I'll fall flat on my ass. 1.00
03:02:39.000 I'm just retarded. 1.00
03:02:40.000 We did play basketball at a whorehouse... 0.99
03:02:46.000 Once. 0.59
03:02:46.000 Riders on the storm. 0.59
03:02:48.000 My basketball's not good.
03:02:50.000 Yeah, yeah.
03:02:51.000 Joe Rogan.
03:02:52.000 Ice skating's worse.
03:02:53.000 Joe Rogan is as talented as me at shooting horse.
03:02:59.000 I know a few things.
03:03:01.000 Hey, can I drop Dennis Hoff's name?
03:03:03.000 Because he doesn't get enough publicity on his own.
03:03:10.000 Before we get out of here, Doug Stanhope, I want to just tell you...
03:03:13.000 I'm leaving now.
03:03:13.000 You finish up.
03:03:15.000 I'm going.
03:03:15.000 I just want to tell you.
03:03:17.000 I love what you're doing.
03:03:18.000 And I love listening to your podcast.
03:03:21.000 And I love hearing about your antics down there in Bisbee.
03:03:24.000 And I wish you would just run for mayor of Bisbee. 0.97
03:03:27.000 And take over, and then we buy a comedy club, and we just fucking, you know, we get the bar, and free, because those people, they can't pay any money. 0.97
03:03:38.000 They get angry. 0.88
03:03:39.000 I have a comedy club in my house.
03:03:41.000 That's right.
03:03:42.000 That's what I hear.
03:03:43.000 It's gonna work.
03:03:45.000 It's gonna work?
03:03:46.000 It's already working, correct?
03:03:47.000 No, just for comics.
03:03:49.000 You found a special in your house, right?
03:03:50.000 Yes, and except for the lighting. 1.00
03:03:53.000 Oh, shut up. 0.99
03:03:56.000 Was it too bright? 1.00
03:03:57.000 Yeah, slightly.
03:03:59.000 You can never guess it when the walls are pitchy.
03:04:01.000 Did you guys plan this in advance?
03:04:02.000 No, no. 0.99
03:04:04.000 I had an hour's worth of shit that either I hadn't done on tape or got cut out of other specials to make it an hour. 0.99
03:04:14.000 And I go, well, we're filming here anyway. 0.99
03:04:17.000 We have a crew.
03:04:18.000 Let's film one right in the house, at the funhouse.
03:04:21.000 And we put 35 people tightly packed... 0.98
03:04:25.000 And it fucking killed, except when you see the footage, it was too brightly lit. 0.99
03:04:32.000 Yeah, but you could do the reverse of what hot chicks on the internet do. 1.00
03:04:37.000 You could use a negative filter.
03:04:39.000 So a filter that makes it look like more gloomy, like maybe like a Batman movie.
03:04:44.000 He told me he can fix it.
03:04:45.000 You should try to make it gloomy.
03:04:47.000 Don't worry, I'll be fixed.
03:04:48.000 You can do it.
03:04:49.000 The point is, the audience was great, and the audience are my friends, and they will laugh all the time, and I can film comics I like, rather than say, hey, go bananas, will you book my friend?
03:05:03.000 Right, right, right.
03:05:05.000 Hey, let's film it right here. 0.96
03:05:06.000 And my friends, I can pack my own house every fucking weekend and film DVDs. 0.86
03:05:13.000 I think you should do a show with all candlelight. 0.97
03:05:17.000 Just a small theater.
03:05:18.000 I had candlelight.
03:05:19.000 I had those fake little candles. 1.00
03:05:20.000 But someone overlit the motherfucker. 1.00
03:05:23.000 No, your house was badly wired. 1.00
03:05:25.000 Your house was badly wired.
03:05:28.000 Yes.
03:05:29.000 I wasn't engaged in that job.
03:05:32.000 Wow.
03:05:33.000 Listen, I can understand dealing with the unexpected...
03:05:39.000 I'm hard to work with.
03:05:40.000 I know what you're saying.
03:05:41.000 Electricity and weird, badly wired houses.
03:05:45.000 We've got a great partnership, though.
03:05:48.000 No, you guys are an interesting group.
03:05:49.000 You really are.
03:05:51.000 The two of you together seem to work well.
03:05:53.000 Throw me out. 0.99
03:05:54.000 Why is that not a fucking thing? 0.99
03:05:56.000 Here's two things that bother me. 0.99
03:05:59.000 Three things.
03:06:00.000 One, I can't find a pack of cigarettes. 0.99
03:06:02.000 I gave you fucking 400 cigarettes. 0.99
03:06:06.000 Jesus Christ, he's got a carton in there. 1.00
03:06:09.000 He's been fucking someone in Mexico he won't talk about, so he keeps talking. 0.99
03:06:14.000 He keeps coming back from Mexico every two weeks with duty-free. 0.99
03:06:20.000 Is this a family-friendly podcast or something?
03:06:23.000 Not anymore.
03:06:24.000 Alright. 1.00
03:06:27.000 Fuck, now I can't remember the goddamn things I wanted to... 1.00
03:06:30.000 Swapcast. 1.00
03:06:31.000 Swapcast.
03:06:32.000 I can't do it here because you do this live.
03:06:35.000 When we do podcasts... 1.00
03:06:38.000 A lot of people are drinking and they say shit. 1.00
03:06:41.000 They go, oh fuck, did I mention his name? 1.00
03:06:44.000 So we edit everything. 0.98
03:06:46.000 But if there's two comedians that both have podcasts...
03:06:51.000 Doing a podcast together.
03:06:53.000 It should be a swap cast where you both put it out.
03:06:57.000 Two birds, one stone.
03:06:58.000 Yeah, that's a good move.
03:06:59.000 Yeah.
03:07:00.000 And I've been pitching this since I've been doing it.
03:07:03.000 Well, you could take this one if you want. 0.99
03:07:05.000 Well, there's probably some cunt out going there. 1.00
03:07:07.000 Oh, Stan Hope already did it. 0.99
03:07:08.000 No, I'm saying you should steal that idea.
03:07:11.000 Well, I think that...
03:07:12.000 Can't do it with you.
03:07:14.000 Well, you definitely could do it with me.
03:07:16.000 You could definitely take...
03:07:17.000 We'll give you a copy of it.
03:07:18.000 I think that... 0.99
03:07:20.000 I think regardless of how many people are listening, whether it's 10 or a million, or 10 million, who gives a shit? 0.98
03:07:27.000 Everybody should just sort of like distribute it, you know? 0.95
03:07:30.000 The beautiful thing about podcasts is that everybody can get them for free.
03:07:34.000 And it doesn't hurt me to give you the copy of our show.
03:07:40.000 It shouldn't hurt you.
03:07:42.000 I want people to listen to your show because I listen to it. 0.99
03:07:46.000 There's plenty of fucking podcasts that I listened. 0.98
03:07:50.000 That you had the time to listen. 1.00
03:07:52.000 I know.
03:07:52.000 You do eight podcasts a day.
03:07:54.000 I figure shit out, man. 0.98
03:07:55.000 I got time. 0.99
03:07:56.000 I just don't waste it. 0.98
03:07:57.000 I get shit done. 0.98
03:07:59.000 I know. 0.99
03:07:59.000 I realized if I didn't drink, I'd have eight more hours in every day. 0.99
03:08:04.000 We have sat in the funhouse in Bisbee and looked at Joe Rogan's activity on a spreadsheet and tried to work out when it is you're sleeping.
03:08:13.000 You know, we're like, hi on a minute.
03:08:15.000 He's doing this, this, and this.
03:08:16.000 This never really happened, but it's fun.
03:08:18.000 Well, even if you did, I'm telling you, it just seems way more impressive than it is.
03:08:22.000 It's not that impressive.
03:08:24.000 Because like most days, like if Jamie and I do a podcast, we work for three hours maximum.
03:08:28.000 He works more than me.
03:08:30.000 He might work four and a half.
03:08:31.000 And we're done.
03:08:32.000 And we do that like three days a week.
03:08:34.000 And that's it.
03:08:35.000 So there's a podcast, right?
03:08:37.000 And then there's the... 0.99
03:08:39.000 The fake research that goes into finding podcast guests, which is just really just shit I'm interested in. 0.97
03:08:44.000 I never think, like, wow, I've got a... 0.94
03:08:46.000 He's good.
03:08:47.000 No.
03:08:48.000 Who's that?
03:08:49.000 Who is it?
03:08:50.000 He's, uh...
03:08:50.000 Is this a character?
03:08:51.000 Are you going to come in in a wig?
03:08:52.000 No. 1.00
03:08:52.000 In a fucking... 1.00
03:08:52.000 You're right, he's cool. 1.00
03:08:54.000 Have you had Radley Balco on yet?
03:08:57.000 He used to work for a reason, now he's Huffington Post. 0.99
03:09:01.000 He's the guy that gets, he's an investigative journalist that does all the cops that stop people and bust them and steal their shit. 0.99
03:09:11.000 What's that called? 0.98
03:09:13.000 He wrote a book last year, The Rise of the Warrior Cop.
03:09:16.000 Oh, yeah, okay.
03:09:18.000 Yeah, no, I have that book, man. 0.99
03:09:19.000 Right, he's fucking brilliant. 0.90
03:09:21.000 Yeah, I have that book. 0.98
03:09:22.000 That's one of those books that I started, and then I just got distracted.
03:09:26.000 I never finished it. 0.99
03:09:27.000 Fucking unbelievable. 0.99
03:09:29.000 It's not even their fault, man. 1.00
03:09:30.000 That'll get your dander up.
03:09:31.000 That's the same thing we were talking about earlier, and I really believe it.
03:09:34.000 Book in my office.
03:09:35.000 Now I'm motivated.
03:09:37.000 ...about how technology progresses.
03:09:39.000 And as long as people stay alive and you can feed them and there's no famine, there's no diseases, technology is going to continue to progress.
03:09:47.000 I think that, like, the same thing happens with, like...
03:09:51.000 Enforcing the law, or trying to make money, or whatever it is that people pursue. 0.92
03:09:58.000 They try to improve upon whatever results they've had the previous trimester, semester, year, quarter, whatever the fuck it is. 0.53
03:10:07.000 It's just an inherent part of being a person. 1.00
03:10:09.000 So if it's about busting people, you want to bust more fucking people. 0.99
03:10:13.000 Exactly. 1.00
03:10:14.000 It's a game.
03:10:16.000 And busting you becomes a game. 0.99
03:10:18.000 And as soon as there's a win-loss, then you're getting people that are addicted to winning in football or baseball or fucking whatever else it is. 0.99
03:10:26.000 Or dancing with the stars. 0.98
03:10:28.000 Yes.
03:10:29.000 When is dancing...
03:10:30.000 That's a competition now?
03:10:32.000 Thank God, it's finally a competition.
03:10:34.000 For years people have not been judged for their expression of movement.
03:10:38.000 And no one would watch it. 1.00
03:10:40.000 Bullshit! 1.00
03:10:40.000 No one would watch it until it became a competition. 1.00
03:10:44.000 It should be.
03:10:45.000 That's right, it was one of your pits.
03:10:46.000 Yeah.
03:10:47.000 Everything's one of our bits.
03:10:49.000 I know, the opera singing.
03:10:50.000 It all becomes a bit.
03:10:51.000 When we've been doing it this long, you realize you're just doing an old bit.
03:10:59.000 Yeah.
03:11:00.000 In a way.
03:11:02.000 It's always something you thought of before and now you're saying it different on a podcast in a conversational way and then you go...
03:11:09.000 Eh.
03:11:10.000 And even in the most original thought, there's still a rhythm to it, right?
03:11:14.000 There's still that rhythm of three that we all follow, that for some reason works, and nobody knows.
03:11:18.000 Trained into us. 0.92
03:11:19.000 Well, trained into us a little.
03:11:20.000 You'd say genetic, because you're...
03:11:21.000 There's definitely...
03:11:22.000 No, it's not.
03:11:23.000 I don't know if genetics are real.
03:11:24.000 Whatever it is.
03:11:25.000 Whatever it is.
03:11:26.000 I mean, of course, I know genetics are real.
03:11:28.000 But I don't know if, like, expressing ideas through jokes from one parent to child, I don't know if that's possible.
03:11:34.000 But people believe it is.
03:11:36.000 They believe that it's possible that memes and even racism might be passed from, and I don't mean memes like internet memes, but like ideas.
03:11:44.000 Like ideas might be able to be passed, like the reaction and contemplation and solution of an idea might be passed from parent to child, where the child almost immediately goes to the same resolution or solution that the parent did.
03:12:01.000 Almost instinctively, like they have it programmed to their genome.
03:12:04.000 But it's really controversial.
03:12:07.000 You've seen the footage of the monkeys with the salt, and yeah, that's exactly what that is.
03:12:12.000 It is, yeah, in a lot of ways.
03:12:14.000 They've done it with mice, where they've figured out a way to, they have a citrus smell, and they would spray the citrus smell, they would smell it, and they would shock their feet.
03:12:23.000 And the mice offspring, who did not experience the same experiment, still, when they would blast the citrus smell, they would have some sort of a reaction, like a stress reaction, to like something coming at them.
03:12:36.000 I jerked off to the same video last night.
03:12:39.000 But I was coked up.
03:12:44.000 Who is the original How Dare You?
03:12:45.000 It's not me.
03:12:46.000 It's definitely not me.
03:12:48.000 I don't know who I got it from.
03:12:50.000 It's been around.
03:12:53.000 It probably was, like, serious originally.
03:12:55.000 I was gonna say Stern, but...
03:12:58.000 How dare you?
03:12:59.000 How dare you?
03:13:00.000 Was it?
03:13:01.000 Well, Stern originated everything.
03:13:03.000 Hey, now.
03:13:04.000 Was that the guy from Larry Sanders?
03:13:07.000 That was Larry Sanders.
03:13:08.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 0.99
03:13:09.000 That guy was crazy.
03:13:11.000 He is awesome.
03:13:13.000 I gotta go.
03:13:14.000 I'm drunk.
03:13:15.000 It's over, Doug Stanhoe.
03:13:18.000 I have to drive really fast on the 405. Our podcast is done.
03:13:25.000 Brian Hennigan, tell the people how to follow you on the Twitter and all the Instagram.
03:13:30.000 Yes, I'm Brian Hennigan.
03:13:32.000 We are not done, Doug Stanhope.
03:13:33.000 You relax.
03:13:34.000 We're not out of time.
03:13:35.000 There is no network here.
03:13:36.000 There's no one to yell at you about stiff versus hard.
03:13:40.000 I can't hear you.
03:13:41.000 What was that?
03:13:42.000 I am Brian Hennigan.
03:13:44.000 I'm Mr. Hennigan on Twitter and Instagram.
03:13:48.000 And you have a book coming out, I understand?
03:13:49.000 I have a novel that's out just now.
03:13:51.000 It's a republication of my first novel that was published in the UK a while ago, and it got great reviews, and it was never published in the US. Beautiful.
03:14:02.000 It's fiction.
03:14:03.000 I never read fiction.
03:14:05.000 And I try to read his book, but I know him, so I'm listening to the first 30, 40 pages in his voice. 0.98
03:14:14.000 And then I got past that and it was funny as shit. 0.98
03:14:19.000 So I went to his apartment. 0.98
03:14:22.000 I was staying there when he was away.
03:14:24.000 And I just left it with the last three pages unread.
03:14:28.000 Like I read the whole book and became so disinterested.
03:14:32.000 I didn't care about the last three pages.
03:14:35.000 I left it open like that.
03:14:36.000 He didn't notice.
03:14:38.000 That's true.
03:14:39.000 That's probably a good sign.
03:14:40.000 My book, Digging Up Mother.
03:14:41.000 Oh, yeah.
03:14:42.000 Pre-order.
03:14:43.000 Joe Rogan is name-checked in on Amazon.
03:14:47.000 You can pre-order that.
03:14:50.000 And they'll be available in the UK. Douglas, my boy, will there be more visits to Los Angeles?
03:14:58.000 Unfortunately, yes. 0.99
03:15:00.000 Why don't you just try to be one of those intercontinental motherfuckers and get yourself a fat spread out here and use some of that stand-up comedy loot to make your life look more ludicrous? 1.00
03:15:10.000 Well, we're waiting for someone to move out of our fucking rent-control apartment building. 1.00
03:15:14.000 Oh, that's all well and good. 0.98
03:15:16.000 But I think in the interest of...
03:15:20.000 Oh my god, if I could have stood this whole time.
03:15:25.000 Um, uh, altruism, you know, help for, like, the young comics.
03:15:29.000 Maybe perhaps that rent-controlled apartment could be some sort of a, like, local dive, like, shack place where people can go and stay for the night.
03:15:37.000 Young comics to us are guys who've only been doing it for 15 years.
03:15:41.000 Yeah, exactly.
03:15:42.000 That's what I'm talking about.
03:15:42.000 And you can get, like, a nice place, like, where Sarah Silverman lives, where you get a view.
03:15:47.000 Got a dude who parks your car for you.
03:15:49.000 Come on, Doug Stanhope!
03:15:53.000 Alright.
03:15:54.000 Wrap it up!
03:15:55.000 We're going to wrap this up, Jamie.
03:15:56.000 Thank you, America.
03:15:58.000 We appreciate everything about you.
03:16:03.000 Bye-bye.
03:16:05.000 Kettlebells. 0.99
03:16:08.000 Sorry, I was really fucked up for the last time. 0.98