The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #793 - Whitney Cummings

00:00:00.000 I don't know, I never cashed the checks.

00:00:02.000 So, how'd you get into comedy?

00:00:03.000 We're live.

00:00:05.000 We are live.

00:00:06.000 Real answer, bad childhood.

00:00:08.000 Oh, that's everybody's real answer. 0.94

00:00:09.000 If you didn't get into that for that reason, you'd probably have a shitty act.

00:00:12.000 Yeah, that is so true.

00:00:14.000 Because unless you weren't seen as a child or heard as a child and have this insatiable need to be seen and heard and understood.

00:00:22.000 It's definitely a deficit.

00:00:23.000 You can't be funny. 1.00

00:00:24.000 Dude, what the fuck were you doing in Vietnam? 0.99

00:00:26.000 Because this is one of the reasons I didn't want to talk to you about this before that. 0.99

00:00:29.000 I didn't want to see you before this.

00:00:30.000 I just wanted to get you in.

00:00:32.000 And I'm glad we didn't talk about it before.

00:00:34.000 But I went to your Instagram page and I saw these pictures of you working with these children that have cleft palates.

00:00:40.000 And I saw all these photos of you in Vietnam.

00:00:42.000 So tell me what are you doing?

00:00:43.000 Yeah, so there's this charity called Operation Smile.

00:00:47.000 And I usually work in animal charities because people, I think, are usually the problem.

00:00:53.000 And helping people just seems to make more proliferate.

00:00:57.000 And in terms of charity stuff, I think that just why I started wanting to get more involved is, if I'm going to be perfectly honest, I started not liking the person that I was.

00:01:08.000 I started realizing I was the person who was like...

00:01:11.000 God, traffic is like crazy today.

00:01:14.000 And like, oh my God, Starbucks is out of soy milk? 1.00

00:01:17.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:01:18.000 Like, I was just like, whoa. 1.00

00:01:21.000 What made you feel like you were going to a place that you didn't like or becoming a person you didn't like?

00:01:27.000 I think it's like, you know, doing like working with animals and like, you know, going to sort of parts of town that I wouldn't normally go to, to rescue animals and dogs.

00:01:37.000 You start going like, oh, there's a real world outside this Truman show that we live in of the fake sets and the fake this and the fake people and the fake, you know, makeup and the fake clothes and everything.

00:01:49.000 I was just like, oh, like that.

00:01:52.000 I live in a funhouse.

00:01:55.000 You know, sometimes when you're in this business.

00:01:56.000 I mean, stand-up keeps me, you know, a real person.

00:02:00.000 Is it TV shows that get you?

00:02:02.000 I think it's TV shows.

00:02:02.000 I think it's writing fake scripts about fake people and fake lots and fake houses and, you know, fake edit bays.

00:02:08.000 And I just was, like, really concerned about, you know, and knowing you know way more than I do, but...

00:02:16.000 What I do know about neurology is that our brains acclimate to whatever environment we're in.

00:02:21.000 And I was like, if I'm in this environment all the time, my brain is just going to start acclimating accordingly.

00:02:27.000 I find it in little ways.

00:02:29.000 If I have a small purse, I only need a small purse. 0.99

00:02:33.000 If I wear a big purse, all of a sudden I've filled it up with shit. 0.98

00:02:37.000 It's like you kind of acclimate to what you have. 0.99

00:02:39.000 And so I was like, yeah, I don't like the things that come out of my mouth.

00:02:43.000 I don't like my inner monologue. 0.98

00:02:44.000 I don't like the fact that I get annoyed when my Uber's not on fucking time. 0.98

00:02:52.000 So I kind of wanted to get some perspective and really get out there and not just give money for my own selfish guilt shit. 0.98

00:02:59.000 Like, oh, I'm just going to give money. 0.62

00:03:01.000 And so I went to Vietnam for two weeks and did this...

00:03:06.000 I went to Tokyo for a couple days before then, which was actually really interesting.

00:03:11.000 I went and got to watch the surgeries.

00:03:15.000 It was also cool because, I don't know if you ever went through this, but I think I got sick of myself.

00:03:24.000 Like I just kind of was like, I'm sick of my voice.

00:03:26.000 I'm sick of my making jokes.

00:03:28.000 I'm sick of being funny.

00:03:30.000 I'm sick of like, and there's something about being around people that don't speak English that kind of strips you of your like persona.

00:03:39.000 You know, of your, all the things that you just, because some, I mean, I just, I don't want to go through life like a sleepwalking zombie who's just like doing a bad impression of myself every day.

00:03:49.000 Right.

00:03:50.000 Because it's so easy to do.

00:03:51.000 And I find, I felt like life was a little bit groundhog day.

00:03:54.000 But get up, work out, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, bits, bits, bits, you know.

00:03:59.000 Insecure, insecure, you know.

00:04:01.000 And I got a little bit sick of that rhythm.

00:04:03.000 And I was like, there's got to be something more.

00:04:06.000 Deeper.

00:04:07.000 And, you know, we're seekers and I was like thinking about my next special and the next thing I'm going to write.

00:04:11.000 And I was like, I don't want to just...

00:04:12.000 And I felt like my brain was...

00:04:14.000 It had this...

00:04:15.000 There was like patterns and rhythms that I was like, I keep going to the same place for, you know, creatively.

00:04:22.000 And I was like, I want to go to a different place entirely.

00:04:23.000 So I got to like... 0.99

00:04:24.000 Challenge my brain and throw some new shit at it. 0.99

00:04:27.000 And being around people that don't speak English is really... 0.99

00:04:30.000 And first of all, have no idea who you are, which is another experience when you're used to people knowing who you are and having expectations of you and thinking you're going to be funny or...

00:04:41.000 You know, when you're known, all of a sudden you have the power, whether you want it or not, in a room.

00:04:46.000 You know, you walk into a room and you have the power.

00:04:48.000 Whether you're interested in having it or not, you just do, right?

00:04:51.000 Joe Rogan walks in, everyone's like, oh, Joe Rogan, see everyone be cool and everyone's trying to impress you.

00:04:55.000 Everybody changes, right?

00:04:56.000 So you never get to see people's authentic self because you inherently affect people.

00:05:11.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:05:13.000 So you never know how people really are because your presence actually affects them.

00:05:17.000 But if they've never heard of you, which in Vietnam, no one ever heard of me.

00:05:21.000 Not a lot of fans over there.

00:05:22.000 And so you're just like... 0.98

00:05:25.000 You know, you can't rely on any of that shit that we've become used to relying on. 0.97

00:05:30.000 And talking to people that don't speak English, all of a sudden you're like, oh, I can't use all my go-to strategies, charm, manipulation, jokes. 1.00

00:05:40.000 Like, no one cares.

00:05:42.000 And so it was really pretty cool.

00:05:45.000 Vietnam in general, we'll talk about.

00:05:46.000 I'm sure you have your thoughts on Asia.

00:05:49.000 Mine, I think, are...

00:05:50.000 Kind of probably going to be polarizing and get me in trouble. 0.99

00:05:53.000 I think it's a fucking mess over there. 0.98

00:05:57.000 But there's also I think that when, you know, I mean, you have kids, you have more of a Insight into what's real and what's not. 0.98

00:06:06.000 I also noticed that when both of my parents had strokes, which was awful obviously, but I liked the person I became after it happened.

00:06:15.000 I was like, all of a sudden when something tragic happens to you, things become clear, your priorities become clear.

00:06:20.000 If someone asks you to go to lunch that you don't want to hang out with, you say no.

00:06:24.000 You're not like, sure, I guess I'll...

00:06:26.000 Like, you're just...

00:06:26.000 Everything becomes very black and white.

00:06:29.000 Do I want to do this?

00:06:29.000 Do I not?

00:06:29.000 Is this an effective use of my time?

00:06:31.000 Is this not?

00:06:32.000 So I was like, oh, if I just expose myself to a little bit more...

00:06:37.000 Not tragedy, but maybe, you know, and stop hanging out with a bunch of people with fake problems and hang out and surround myself with real problems, then maybe I'll stop thinking I have a bunch of problems I don't really have.

00:06:48.000 I always love talking to you because you're probably one of the most ruthlessly introspective people I know.

00:06:53.000 Really?

00:06:54.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:06:55.000 You don't think you are?

00:06:57.000 You're pretty brutally introspective.

00:07:00.000 I just...

00:07:01.000 Thank you.

00:07:02.000 I just am...

00:07:03.000 I don't want to be a zombie.

00:07:05.000 I don't...

00:07:06.000 Most people are just sleepwalking through life.

00:07:08.000 And that does not interest me.

00:07:11.000 Have you had very many psychedelic experiences?

00:07:13.000 You know what?

00:07:14.000 I haven't.

00:07:15.000 And I was going to do ayahuasca last year, but I had been on antidepressants.

00:07:19.000 And yeah, and I only went on them.

00:07:21.000 It's such a bummer.

00:07:22.000 And I actually want to talk about this in my next special because they were given to me because I was having trouble sleeping.

00:07:30.000 I had insomnia, which I recently learned about how insomnia sort of came about, and it's actually really important. 0.97

00:07:36.000 And I wish that there were doctors out there who studied shit like that. 0.96

00:07:39.000 Like, insomnia, usually people are insomniacs. 0.99

00:07:41.000 Fucking thousands of years ago, people in the tribes, My tribal life, before street lights and alarm systems, there were people who were responsible for staying up while everybody else slept. 0.72

00:07:51.000 They were called the night watchers, basically. 0.98

00:07:54.000 And night watchers would breed with night watchers.

00:07:57.000 And essentially...

00:07:58.000 So you're a night watcher?

00:07:59.000 I could be!

00:08:01.000 That could be my...

00:08:02.000 Because you know there's some people who are like, I just can't fall asleep until 3 in the morning.

00:08:05.000 You know who never says that?

00:08:06.000 Who?

00:08:06.000 Farmers.

00:08:08.000 People who actually fucking work. 0.99

00:08:10.000 That's so true. 1.00

00:08:11.000 Dudes who dig holes all day, they sleep like babies.

00:08:13.000 Everybody, I know, the most unemployed people, they're like, I cannot sleep. 0.99

00:08:16.000 It's like, yeah, because you haven't done one fucking thing. 1.00

00:08:18.000 You don't do shit. 1.00

00:08:18.000 Yeah, fucking go work out, bitch. 1.00

00:08:20.000 That's so true. 1.00

00:08:20.000 Yeah, you have three kids. 1.00

00:08:21.000 I feel like my insomnia is going to go, or something.

00:08:24.000 I feel like as soon as I have kids or something, my insomnia will.

00:08:27.000 It'll probably still stay there.

00:08:28.000 Really?

00:08:29.000 Yeah.

00:08:29.000 Oh, I guess I'll be a mother, so I'll never sleep again.

00:08:31.000 That's an issue.

00:08:32.000 But it's also, it's a mental loop thing.

00:08:57.000 Yeah.

00:08:59.000 And you're on the phone at the same time.

00:09:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:02.000 We'll do that.

00:09:03.000 We'll definitely do that.

00:09:04.000 You've almost got too many points of focus where I imagine that your brain getting down to a neutral point, it probably has a very difficult time.

00:09:13.000 Yeah, and I've also done a couple things, you know, but also our brains are not designed to see the amount of light that we see.

00:09:19.000 Like, the screens in our phone, like, our brain produces cortisol when they see it.

00:09:24.000 It's like, wake up.

00:09:25.000 Our brain, like, thinks our phone is the sun, basically.

00:09:28.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:09:28.000 Like, wake up.

00:09:29.000 Have you seen the new feature on iPhones where it turns it down at 10 p.m.?

00:09:32.000 You can set it?

00:09:33.000 No, but mine is now in black and white. 0.99

00:09:36.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:09:37.000 This bitch is going back to Technicolor. 1.00

00:09:40.000 She's going back to the 50s. 1.00

00:09:42.000 Hey, I'm tired.

00:09:42.000 You turn your phone black and white.

00:09:44.000 I'm a fucking typewriter. 1.00

00:09:45.000 What if someone sends you a picture? 0.99

00:09:47.000 Then it's, you know, it's going to be very artsy.

00:09:49.000 How did you?

00:09:49.000 Give me that.

00:09:50.000 Let me see your phone.

00:09:51.000 I turned it black and white because...

00:09:51.000 How did you do that?

00:09:52.000 I didn't even know that was a setting.

00:09:53.000 Yeah, it's a setting.

00:09:54.000 Look at those folks.

00:09:54.000 Yeah.

00:09:55.000 It's because the colors in your phone trigger a bunch of chemicals to be released in your brain that actually activate you.

00:10:03.000 This is so ironic.

00:10:04.000 You have a flower as your backdrop. 0.99

00:10:06.000 A flower that you can't see what the fuck it looks like. 0.99

00:10:09.000 It's basically a George O'Keefe. 0.99

00:10:12.000 Ansel Adams. 0.99

00:10:13.000 Is that the vagina lady? 1.00

00:10:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:10:15.000 That's an octopus vagina, actually, that flower. 1.00

00:10:19.000 But yeah, I'm super into... 0.97

00:10:22.000 Like, you know, just if you understand how the brain works, you can usually hack it a little bit.

00:10:27.000 So it's like when you look at your phone.

00:10:28.000 So my phone, I actually, I used to be so addicted to it.

00:10:30.000 Now I just have no interest in it.

00:10:31.000 Because it's black and white?

00:10:32.000 Yeah, it's just like, it's not giving me the dopamine and the chemicals that, you know.

00:10:36.000 Really?

00:10:36.000 Yeah, colors do.

00:10:38.000 What?

00:10:38.000 Yeah, color.

00:10:39.000 So turning your phone black and white makes it less attractive to you?

00:10:42.000 Yes, less addictive.

00:10:43.000 Whoa.

00:10:44.000 Yes, because I'm like, phone, phone, and a lot of it is just the colors.

00:10:47.000 It's just like, oh, cortisol, adrenaline, red produces adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine, and then I'm just like, now I'm just like, ugh, it's so...

00:10:53.000 So what is the setting?

00:10:54.000 How do you change it to black and white?

00:10:55.000 Okay, you go to, I'll tell you.

00:10:57.000 Hold on.

00:10:58.000 I'll never do it, by the way.

00:10:59.000 Why not try it?

00:11:00.000 Try it for a day.

00:11:01.000 Because I'll have a little thing called discipline.

00:11:03.000 This is what I like to do.

00:11:04.000 I don't.

00:11:05.000 See that phone?

00:11:06.000 This is what I do.

00:11:06.000 I go like that, I shut it off, and then I do that.

00:11:10.000 Can't do it. 1.00

00:11:10.000 And then I walk away from that fucker. 1.00

00:11:11.000 No, can't do it. 1.00

00:11:12.000 Listen, it's not easy, and I've learned how to do it.

00:11:15.000 I've learned how to do it.

00:11:16.000 So, but...

00:11:17.000 I have rules.

00:11:18.000 That might not be your, what gives you dopamine.

00:11:21.000 Oh, no, it is.

00:11:22.000 No, look, I could sit down there. 1.00

00:11:23.000 I get up in the morning and take a shit, and I'll look at that thing for fucking three hours. 0.99

00:11:26.000 And what are you looking at, though? 1.00

00:11:27.000 My legs are going numb. 0.91

00:11:28.000 Just nonsense. 0.55

00:11:29.000 My legs are going numb. 0.89

00:11:30.000 It's nonsense.

00:11:32.000 I'm reading articles that I don't need to read. 1.00

00:11:34.000 I'm fucking looking at nonsense. 0.99

00:11:37.000 I can do it. 0.99

00:11:39.000 But what I do now is if I do it, I look at the important stuff.

00:11:43.000 I go over, do I have any work emails that are pertinent?

00:11:46.000 I'll check my work email.

00:11:47.000 Nothing to deal with.

00:11:49.000 Do I have any text messages that I need to deal with?

00:11:52.000 Nothing to deal with.

00:11:53.000 Shut it off, put it away, walk away.

00:11:56.000 You and I, though, might have a different idea of what I need to deal with and what I don't.

00:12:00.000 I sometimes get sucked into stuff that's completely unnecessary and frivolous.

00:12:05.000 But that's also an addiction. 0.97

00:12:06.000 And I'm texting about a fucking baby shower that I'm not even going to, and I'm just like, what am I doing? 0.98

00:12:10.000 I'm difficult to get a hold of. 0.97

00:12:12.000 Yeah, but you're very self-contained.

00:12:14.000 I'm a little more, and I'm in recovery, we've talked about it, for codependence.

00:12:17.000 So I sometimes struggle with the perceived discomfort of others.

00:12:21.000 So I feel like I need to take care of people's feelings sometimes.

00:12:23.000 Well, you're a caretaker in a lot of ways.

00:12:26.000 That's why you love dogs.

00:12:28.000 Babies.

00:12:28.000 Dogs and dogs.

00:12:29.000 Only the voiceless.

00:12:30.000 Only people that can't help themselves.

00:12:36.000 I understand.

00:12:36.000 If you can help yourself and you didn't, that's not my problem.

00:12:39.000 I've learned over the years that I only have a certain amount of, not just time, but a certain amount of focus.

00:12:46.000 And that the less focus I give to things that I'm not really interested in, the more focus I'll have for things that I am interested in.

00:12:53.000 It's like a real issue with my manager. 0.91

00:12:55.000 Because I just fucking vanish for days. 0.98

00:12:57.000 I don't answer phone calls. 0.99

00:12:58.000 You have to.

00:12:59.000 She'll call Jamie.

00:13:00.000 No, I just got...

00:13:01.000 Same thing.

00:13:02.000 I had the same thing just happen with a manager who hadn't heard from me because I went to Vietnam and I got back and I was just like, I recently learned that when someone calls or texts, you don't have to respond.

00:13:11.000 Like, I think we get in this obligatory sort of thing if we have to respond to everything.

00:13:16.000 And it was actually interesting going to Japan because that culture is so...

00:13:22.000 I'm using this word probably inappropriately, but for lack of a better word, codependent.

00:13:28.000 It's so like having to take care of everybody's feelings.

00:13:31.000 I was talking to this guy on a plane.

00:13:32.000 There's so much respect for other people's feelings and status.

00:13:36.000 I went on the plane on the way over.

00:13:38.000 I sat next to this super interesting guy who creates tools for animators.

00:13:44.000 I know, like the stuff that makes cartoons.

00:13:47.000 I don't even have the vernacular to explain it.

00:13:51.000 But he said it's really hard to do focus groups in Japan.

00:13:53.000 You know, focus groups is when you go around and say, is this working?

00:13:55.000 Is this not working?

00:13:56.000 Because no one will respond until an elder responds and everyone just agrees with the elder.

00:14:03.000 You're not allowed to disagree with someone older than you.

00:14:06.000 There was an article about a lot of the, I think it was a couple of Malaysian airline flights that went down.

00:14:13.000 They say it was pilot error because the co-pilot was afraid to disagree with the pilot.

00:14:17.000 Oh, my. 0.96

00:14:18.000 The pilot was wrong, but because of the inherent respect for your elders thing, he couldn't say, like, dude, we're going to crash if you fucking do that. 0.94

00:14:26.000 And the plane went down. 0.72

00:14:29.000 So it's so interesting.

00:14:31.000 And I came back and I was like, oh, God, at least I'm not.

00:14:33.000 And I mean...

00:14:35.000 I think I was a little bit saddened by this culture of shame over there.

00:14:43.000 We have it in different ways, but if you disgrace your family, you just jump off a building.

00:14:51.000 So many people were jumping in front of trains.

00:14:56.000 That the only way they could get them to stop jumping in front of trains when they shamed their family was saying, if people jump in front of trains, we're gonna bill your family for the cleanup.

00:15:07.000 So that got them to stop, because they were like, oh, I don't want my family to have to get this bill, because that will disgrace them even more.

00:15:14.000 So they had to use their shame against them as a way to get them to stop committing suicide.

00:15:20.000 I mean, in China, Apple had to put nets around the building.

00:15:24.000 Yeah.

00:15:25.000 That's how many people were jumping off it. 1.00

00:15:26.000 Well, that's a real issue in and unto itself, because Apple's paying these people, and they're living in this building, and they're paying them dog shit. 0.99

00:15:35.000 I mean, they don't have... 0.98

00:15:38.000 These factories over in China because it's an awesome place to build phones.

00:15:43.000 They have these factories over there because they could pay people virtually nothing and have them work all day.

00:15:48.000 China, I've been to China before.

00:15:50.000 Just in general, and I don't want to come from a judgy place because we obviously have our problems in the States, but it was just a really...

00:15:59.000 I feel like when I went over there, everyone was like, God, you're just going to love it.

00:16:03.000 Everyone's like, India's amazing.

00:16:05.000 It's like...

00:16:06.000 It's really poor, and people die of, like, dysentery.

00:16:11.000 Yeah, malaria.

00:16:12.000 Yeah, and there's, you know, baby girls have their heads smashed on rocks because of the dowry system. 1.00

00:16:21.000 I mean, it's like, there's, you know, I feel like there's this...

00:16:24.000 Yeah.

00:16:25.000 There's a documentary on, I guess, iTunes.

00:16:27.000 It's about infanticide in China and India because of the dowry system. 0.99

00:16:33.000 So basically to have a child is a fortune.

00:16:35.000 I'm sorry, to have a female because you have to pay someone to marry her. 1.00

00:16:39.000 She can't work at your dad's family. 1.00

00:16:40.000 And she's basically just like a financial drain. 1.00

00:16:43.000 Which is just terrifying.

00:16:45.000 So that goes on in China still.

00:16:47.000 What terrifies me is that that's probably an ancient way of thinking and behaving.

00:16:54.000 So like we look at today and we look at this world that we live in today and obviously we have a lot of issues with equality and we have a lot of issues with racism.

00:17:03.000 We have a lot of issues with homophobia.

00:17:05.000 But whatever issues we have are nothing.

00:17:08.000 Compared to the echoes of our past.

00:17:10.000 And when you look at something like that...

00:17:12.000 And when, you know, there are hate crimes, that's an individual person against an individual person.

00:17:18.000 That's not like a socially accepted thing.

00:17:21.000 It's not like the Nazis.

00:17:22.000 I'm not endorsing hate crimes, but if, you know, someone beats up a gay guy, most people think it was bad that he did that, and they go to jail. 0.97

00:17:32.000 But it's one person who's fucked up, not an entire country that's like, yeah, that was a good idea. 0.94

00:17:37.000 Yeah, it's like the last echoes. 0.97

00:17:40.000 It's like the last reverberations.

00:17:42.000 And not that our way is better.

00:17:43.000 I'm not saying you guys have to become America, but it was just a little bit like, oh, this is like...

00:17:48.000 Well, I like the fact that they're not America. 0.94

00:17:50.000 I like that there's all these different cultures because I think it's fascinating that there's different parts of the world where people have figured out a different way to behave and they follow this different pattern.

00:17:58.000 They've carved this groove.

00:17:59.000 Yeah.

00:17:59.000 And all the young people follow into this groove, give or take.

00:18:03.000 And I think that's amazing.

00:18:05.000 I mean, when you look at different parts of the world and you experience their culture or you look at how they're behaving and how they dress and how they speak and how they live their lives and their traditions, it is absolutely fascinating, these patterns of repeatable behavior, repeating patterns that exist all over the world and that they're so different.

00:18:22.000 They're different in Thailand than they are in Germany. 0.81

00:18:25.000 Totally.

00:18:25.000 Fascinating.

00:18:26.000 Different parts of the world are associated with having more humor or less humor or more discipline or more artistic freedom.

00:18:34.000 It's weird.

00:18:37.000 I always forget how young of a country we are.

00:18:41.000 We are a minute old.

00:18:43.000 Yeah.

00:19:06.000 Yeah, it's definitely beautiful, but I see poverty and air that no one can breathe.

00:19:11.000 Everyone's wearing masks because they can't inhale.

00:19:14.000 There's no emissions regulations.

00:19:16.000 I was like, oh, right, white trust fund kids are like, Vietnam's beautiful.

00:19:21.000 And they say that because they can come back to Korea.

00:19:23.000 You know, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, or whatever.

00:19:26.000 That's the thing, that white people love talking about brown people being amazing.

00:19:29.000 It's like, look, I don't... 0.81

00:19:31.000 Like, you're not a better person because you think Vietnam's amazing. 0.88

00:19:35.000 It's amazing.

00:19:36.000 Like, just admit that it's...

00:19:37.000 We need to... 0.93

00:19:38.000 I mean, I know we fucked it up. 0.91

00:19:41.000 A lot of it's our fault of what we did in the 70s, but it was like... 0.83

00:19:44.000 It was...

00:19:46.000 It gave me a lot of anxiety, you know, because it was like, I mean, it was just like the hospitals.

00:19:49.000 I mean, we were in a hospital and, you know, we needed four of this machine that puts babies to sleep.

00:19:55.000 Pediatric anesthesia is very different than regular anesthesia.

00:19:59.000 And it's essentially bringing people to the brink of death and then bringing them back.

00:20:03.000 It's like incredibly fascinating job.

00:20:07.000 And they had one of the machines that they needed.

00:20:11.000 The pediatric anesthesiologist was like, we need four.

00:20:13.000 And they're like, we don't have them.

00:20:35.000 What causes that?

00:20:40.000 Malnutrition.

00:20:40.000 In the womb?

00:20:42.000 Yep.

00:20:42.000 Exposure to genetics.

00:20:44.000 Exposure to pollution.

00:20:46.000 I'm sure all that napalm we dropped in the 70s didn't really help.

00:20:51.000 But yeah.

00:20:52.000 And in America, it still happens, but it's handled right away.

00:20:55.000 It's handled.

00:20:56.000 It comes out three months later.

00:20:57.000 It's fixed.

00:20:58.000 No big deal.

00:20:59.000 Over there, sometimes it's never fixed.

00:21:00.000 I mean, you see adults.

00:21:01.000 You see men that are 50 come in with giant...

00:21:06.000 We're good to go.

00:21:20.000 A lot of more religious countries think you're the devil or you can't get a job, you're completely sequestered, you're thrown out of your family.

00:21:30.000 And I think, and this is going to sound super corny, but I guess for me I connected so much to, maybe it's because we're comedians, I was like, look, It's one thing to grow up in a third world country.

00:21:45.000 It's another thing to deal with poverty.

00:21:46.000 But if you can't smile, like the basic, the only real medicine we have, you know, everybody has universal medicine of like laughing and smiling.

00:21:56.000 It's how we connect to people. 0.99

00:21:57.000 I mean, that's fucked. 0.99

00:22:00.000 Like that was frustrating. 0.99

00:22:01.000 And it's so easy to fix.

00:22:03.000 That's the other thing that's like frustrating is it takes like 30 minutes.

00:22:06.000 Look at Joaquin Phoenix.

00:22:07.000 Look at Joaquin Phoenix.

00:22:10.000 Isn't it weird?

00:22:12.000 Yeah, he has a cleft lip, I think.

00:22:13.000 But it's weird that he, Stacey Keech, isn't it weird that Joaquin Phoenix got it?

00:22:17.000 I mean, he's like a white guy living in America.

00:22:19.000 Yeah, it can be genetic. 1.00

00:22:20.000 I mean, yeah, but also America has its history with fucked up shit, you know? 0.99

00:22:25.000 You know, we're by no means squeaky clean. 1.00

00:22:28.000 I mean, we're exposed to a lot of fucked up shit here, too. 0.99

00:22:30.000 But we are the best, right? 0.99

00:22:31.000 We are the best, yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:22:33.000 America, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:22:34.000 Murica. 1.00

00:22:35.000 Murica?

00:22:35.000 Murica.

00:22:37.000 You'll like this.

00:22:39.000 Oh, we talked about this last time.

00:22:41.000 Just sort of like how we essentially always had to drink alcohol before we had potable water.

00:22:45.000 I mean, people were just, you know, drinking.

00:22:47.000 Well, that's why people drank wine out of those flasks they carried around.

00:22:50.000 Totally.

00:22:50.000 To keep from getting traveler's disease from water.

00:22:52.000 That's what they would call it.

00:22:53.000 Yeah, so it's completely. 1.00

00:22:56.000 I wonder why people were such assholes. 1.00

00:22:58.000 They were just hammered. 1.00

00:22:58.000 Everyone was hammered. 1.00

00:22:59.000 All the time.

00:23:01.000 I mean, actually, when you think about it, it's a miracle that someone, I mean, Ford built a car.

00:23:09.000 Like, it's like, if you were sober, you got to be like Rockefeller.

00:23:12.000 Yeah.

00:23:13.000 Like, I feel like the couple people who were sober just basically became like the biggest.

00:23:17.000 Sober people who drank coffee.

00:23:18.000 That's it.

00:23:18.000 They just took over the world.

00:23:19.000 That's it.

00:23:20.000 Literally took over the world. 0.98

00:23:21.000 Because, I mean, everybody was shitfaced. 0.94

00:23:24.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:23:25.000 But yeah, so it's crazy.

00:23:26.000 I mean, have you ever seen a surgery?

00:23:28.000 You would love it.

00:23:29.000 I've never been in the room.

00:23:31.000 I've had a bunch of surgeries, but I've never been in the room.

00:23:35.000 I've had...

00:23:37.000 One, two, three, two, three, four.

00:23:39.000 What are they?

00:23:40.000 Joints?

00:23:41.000 Yeah, mostly joints.

00:23:42.000 Mostly joints.

00:23:43.000 My nose reconstructed.

00:23:45.000 I have had my knees done.

00:23:47.000 Thank you.

00:23:47.000 Well, it was internal more than external.

00:23:49.000 Okay, like I would never know. 0.99

00:23:50.000 External is still fucked up. 0.99

00:23:52.000 It's all broken up in here. 0.96

00:23:53.000 It's like there's all these sharp edges underneath the skin that would break open pretty easy.

00:23:57.000 Is it cartilage just on the end and then bone up here?

00:24:00.000 Yeah, this is all cartilage.

00:24:01.000 This stuff is all pretty much intact, but it's the inside of my nose that was all smashed, and so it was all closed off.

00:24:07.000 I didn't have any breathing out of my nose.

00:24:09.000 Oh, no.

00:24:09.000 Until I was like 39. And you're like, this is how people live?

00:24:14.000 Oh, my God.

00:24:16.000 My whole life I couldn't breathe out of my nose. 0.99

00:24:17.000 No bullshit. 0.98

00:24:18.000 I fell on a flight of stairs when I was five. 0.96

00:24:20.000 And I broke my nose pretty bad when I was five.

00:24:22.000 A cement flight of stairs.

00:24:23.000 I smashed my nose.

00:24:24.000 We're going to get you an operation smile.

00:24:26.000 Yeah.

00:24:26.000 Well, it wasn't, you know, just...

00:24:29.000 My parents were just like, he's alive.

00:24:31.000 Leave him alone.

00:24:32.000 There was no doctor trips.

00:24:34.000 I broke my arm.

00:24:35.000 My mother didn't even believe me.

00:24:36.000 I had to lift it up.

00:24:36.000 It was like up and down.

00:24:38.000 It was so broken.

00:24:39.000 She's like, stop breakdancing.

00:24:42.000 Back then, it was just a different world.

00:24:45.000 People were basically like monkeys. 0.93

00:24:48.000 My parents were like monkeys. 0.83

00:24:50.000 They were like monkey people. 1.00

00:24:51.000 They didn't have the internet.

00:24:53.000 They understand things now.

00:24:55.000 Yeah, but I think there's a little bit of a pendulum swing to the other way.

00:24:59.000 Right.

00:24:59.000 Helicopter parents.

00:25:00.000 Yeah.

00:25:01.000 I was reading this thing about how this designer who's making more dangerous jungle gyms for kids because they've gotten too safe.

00:25:09.000 My daughter broke her arm in a jungle gym.

00:25:12.000 Yeah, you should call this person then.

00:25:14.000 They're not safe.

00:25:15.000 Yeah.

00:25:16.000 Like, jungle gyms are just not safe. 1.00

00:25:18.000 Or something more challenging or something.

00:25:19.000 Like, I don't remember, like, it was something about...

00:25:21.000 The real problem with jungle gyms is you need to understand what your capabilities are, and the only way to find that out is to fall.

00:25:30.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:25:30.000 And if you're falling on these metal bars, you could fucking die. 0.99

00:25:33.000 Yes. 1.00

00:25:34.000 Like, kids that break their arm easily could break their neck.

00:25:36.000 I can't believe...

00:25:38.000 Kids don't die all the time.

00:25:39.000 Oh, they do.

00:25:40.000 No, they do.

00:25:41.000 Kids die all the time. 1.00

00:25:43.000 When you have kids, you sort of pay attention to that kind of shit, and you realize, like, oh, kids fall on their head and die. 1.00

00:25:49.000 Like, it happens all the time. 0.99

00:25:50.000 You're not paying attention, and kids get...

00:25:52.000 They don't understand boundaries and limitations.

00:25:54.000 How do you, though, as a parent...

00:25:57.000 Because I'm obsessed with this, because I'm already, like, I'm not close to having a child.

00:26:02.000 I froze my eggs.

00:26:04.000 So if anyone wants to send some sperm, Jamie...

00:26:07.000 Now that I'm learning about your...

00:26:09.000 That's why I'm asking, where are you from?

00:26:10.000 Okay, where are you from?

00:26:11.000 Slovenia?

00:26:12.000 India?

00:26:12.000 I'm really just trying to ascertain everyone's DNA and how strong it is.

00:26:19.000 But is that...

00:26:22.000 I just read a book called The Continuum Concept, which is like a parenting thing about babies.

00:26:27.000 They can be held by anyone.

00:26:29.000 It doesn't have to be their mom necessarily, but babies should always just be being held.

00:26:34.000 Men and women kind of weren't supposed to live together. 0.99

00:26:37.000 We're supposed to kind of fuck, and then you go off, and then all the women live together and help raise all the kids. 1.00

00:26:44.000 So there was something interesting in that because in the first three years, a child's ability to believe in their own faculties, essentially, to trust other people and to feel like they are heard and seen depends on how much eye contact and physical touch they get. 0.98

00:27:02.000 Yeah, because basically touching is going like, I see you, you're here.

00:27:06.000 And the less touch and eye contact they get, the more invisible they feel and the more dangerous they feel the world is for them.

00:27:12.000 Yeah, and there's this great, you'll love this, John Bowlby's theory of attachment, like when babies crawl, it's the same as...

00:27:19.000 Venobo Apes is they'll crawl a foot and then they'll look back and see if dad's still looking at me.

00:27:24.000 He is.

00:27:25.000 I'm going to crawl another foot.

00:27:26.000 He's still there, right?

00:27:28.000 Babies turn around and check in.

00:27:29.000 And then if on the fourth foot I turn around and dad is looking at his phone, I go, that's as far as I can go.

00:27:54.000 I see it.

00:27:57.000 On the playground.

00:27:58.000 Yeah.

00:27:58.000 It's crazy.

00:27:59.000 It's amazing how many people just don't pay attention to anything but their phone.

00:28:04.000 I mean, I see it constantly.

00:28:05.000 And I see it when people are by themselves.

00:28:06.000 I see it when people are with their families.

00:28:08.000 I see it when people are with their friends.

00:28:10.000 How many times have you gone to a restaurant and you see a table full of people and everyone's on their phone?

00:28:13.000 And no one's talking to the people right in front of them.

00:28:16.000 Have you done, like, colleges recently?

00:28:19.000 I stopped.

00:28:21.000 Eat smart.

00:28:23.000 I stopped more than a decade ago.

00:28:24.000 Wow.

00:28:25.000 I stopped, I think I did, University of Miami was the last one I did.

00:28:28.000 I did it with Joey Diaz.

00:28:30.000 That's chaos.

00:28:31.000 We had a good time.

00:28:32.000 Do you remember the Coconut Grove improv?

00:28:35.000 Yes.

00:28:36.000 You know, it closed.

00:28:37.000 Yeah, thank God.

00:28:37.000 They closed because there were so many fights breaking out.

00:28:39.000 It was so bad.

00:28:40.000 I literally told them that I would never work here again. 1.00

00:28:43.000 I go, you people are so dumb. 1.00

00:28:44.000 I'll never work here again. 1.00

00:28:45.000 And they were laughing.

00:28:46.000 I go, you're laughing.

00:28:47.000 I go, I'm serious. 1.00

00:28:48.000 This is the dumbest fucking audience in the country. 1.00

00:28:50.000 I watched a guy do cocaine. 1.00

00:28:53.000 I was opening for like...

00:28:55.000 Was it Steve Byrne or Craig Shoemaker?

00:28:57.000 Someone I was opening for 10 years ago and someone was doing cocaine on the table while I was on stage.

00:29:03.000 Oh, I believe it.

00:29:05.000 What happened with that place is they started giving away free tickets. 1.00

00:29:08.000 And when you give away free tickets, you fuck yourself. 1.00

00:29:11.000 Always. 1.00

00:29:12.000 Those are bad.

00:29:13.000 When you paper the room, you get terrible audiences.

00:29:16.000 For a while, I was trying to give free tickets to people who couldn't afford them.

00:29:22.000 So I'd always say my comps, like I have 10 comps in like the middle of nowhere.

00:29:25.000 This actually happened in La Jolla.

00:29:26.000 And I would tweet out like, hey, so if you can't afford to come to the show, send me an email, tell me why and I'll get you tickets.

00:29:31.000 And I would check it myself.

00:29:32.000 You know, Whitney, some email.

00:29:35.000 And one time this guy emails me, just a testament to exactly, you know, give an inch, take a mile.

00:29:40.000 And he emails me and gives me this long story.

00:29:43.000 He's a, you know, a vet.

00:29:44.000 You know, he's in a wheelchair.

00:29:46.000 He can't drive down.

00:29:47.000 He's going to have to get a cab and he can't afford to come.

00:29:49.000 And, you know, the health insurance, the vet health insurance is a joke and all this whole thing.

00:29:54.000 And I was like, such a no brainer.

00:29:55.000 I was like, yep, you got it.

00:29:56.000 Two tickets.

00:29:57.000 Can't wait.

00:29:58.000 And literally he started the email with like, This probably isn't even you, so Whitney's assistant, like, you know, no problem, and I'm such a big fan, and da-da-da.

00:30:06.000 I write back, two tickets, all set.

00:30:08.000 I don't hear back from him at all.

00:30:11.000 I'm not checking again.

00:30:12.000 Right before the show, I'm looking through my emails.

00:30:15.000 It's 7.45, the show's at 8. I get an email back from him.

00:30:18.000 Hey, babe.

00:30:21.000 Hey, babe.

00:30:22.000 I'm running a little late.

00:30:25.000 I'm running a little late, and where do I park?

00:30:28.000 Oh my god.

00:30:29.000 It went from total awe and respect and adulation, you're probably not even going to check this, and I'm sure this will never happen, to I became his assistant.

00:30:40.000 It's a microcosm of a relationship. 0.99

00:30:42.000 He was courting you, and then he got you, and then he didn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:30:44.000 After he fucked you, he stopped calling you? 1.00

00:30:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:48.000 Literally.

00:30:49.000 And then I was like, oh, okay, do you need me to come out and meet you?

00:30:51.000 And the dynamic totally switched.

00:30:54.000 It's like as soon as you give someone something for free, they stop...

00:30:58.000 Respecting it.

00:30:59.000 Well, it's hard when you're communicating with someone just through email because you have to sort of ascertain, is this person crazy?

00:31:07.000 Is this person super neat?

00:31:09.000 Is this person completely delusional?

00:31:11.000 Is this email going to be received as a friend?

00:31:15.000 In the way that I intended.

00:31:16.000 Is this going to be like...

00:31:18.000 Hey, nice to talk to you.

00:31:19.000 Glad you liked the show.

00:31:20.000 Appreciate it.

00:31:21.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:31:23.000 You do that.

00:31:23.000 That's interesting.

00:31:24.000 Well, hey, nice talking to you.

00:31:25.000 Is it going to be just like, oh, I had a cool conversation with a guy?

00:31:28.000 Or is it going to be, open up the door to a wacky person?

00:31:32.000 Now the wacky person has Whitney Cummings email.

00:31:34.000 Oh, he still emails all the time.

00:31:36.000 Hey, let me know next time you're in town.

00:31:38.000 I mean, it's like, and he behaves as if I'm doing him a favor.

00:31:42.000 I also had a great heckler, a guy that I got front row seats and paid for everything, started heckling me.

00:31:51.000 It's always the people you comp tickets for.

00:31:53.000 This was at La Jolla.

00:31:54.000 La Jolla is always, you know, it's very...

00:31:57.000 Sketchville.

00:31:57.000 It's such sketch-filled.

00:31:58.000 There's no fucking... 1.00

00:31:59.000 All the security guards are open-mikers who are like 21. Bless their hearts. 1.00

00:32:05.000 They're stoned out of their fucking minds. 1.00

00:32:07.000 I mean, it's just so unsafe. 1.00

00:32:10.000 And there's a lot of tension down there.

00:32:12.000 I don't know if it's because there's the navies down there or there's a lot of military.

00:32:15.000 Is that it?

00:32:16.000 There's a lot of money.

00:32:17.000 There's a lot of entitlement.

00:32:18.000 It's a beautiful area.

00:32:19.000 But for some reason, La Jolla is always...

00:32:23.000 I don't know.

00:32:23.000 There's always a fight.

00:32:24.000 There's always a fucking girl who's like, fuck you! 1.00

00:32:26.000 Like, a couple breaks up. 1.00

00:32:28.000 I'm like, what the fuck is happening? 0.97

00:32:31.000 I always have to kick people out of there. 0.98

00:32:33.000 And so this guy's in the front row, and Kevin Christie is opening for me.

00:32:36.000 And Kevin's very incisive.

00:32:38.000 Like, he's very...

00:32:38.000 Like, he's this comic, you know him.

00:32:40.000 He's, like, kind of quiet, and doesn't speak a lot.

00:32:43.000 But when he does, it's just exactly...

00:32:45.000 It's just the truth.

00:32:46.000 Like, he's just so real like that.

00:32:48.000 And he said something once, because he was on the road with me for a while, and, like... 0.53

00:32:51.000 35-40 minutes into all my sets at the time a guy would just snap and start yelling at me and he's like I think what happens is like they're like loving it funny funny female comedian funny it's funny but like 40 minutes in you just become their wife or the girl that wouldn't fuck them or their mother or something and they just see you it's like all of a sudden you just become a woman who's yelling at them and they're not allowed to talk back One guy just will snap.

00:33:18.000 It always happens. 0.99

00:33:20.000 And I had one guy storm the stage at me once and be like, who the fuck do you think you are? 1.00

00:33:24.000 What? 0.99

00:33:25.000 And it didn't feel like it was about me at all.

00:33:27.000 It felt like a very old wound.

00:33:31.000 You're like doing the soul.

00:33:33.000 I am.

00:33:33.000 The soul?

00:33:36.000 It's dark, sad, because I could tell right away this has nothing to do with me.

00:33:40.000 Do you remember what you were talking about?

00:33:42.000 Well, I'll tell you.

00:33:43.000 I do remember what this one guy in the front row that I comped was.

00:33:47.000 He's sitting in the front.

00:33:49.000 And I did this joke.

00:33:52.000 This was my first special.

00:33:53.000 I was getting ready for my first special.

00:33:54.000 I did this joke about how every guy somewhere in his house or apartment or whatever has a jar of coins.

00:34:01.000 Or like a bowl of coins, you know, where you guys put your change.

00:34:04.000 It's like a change jar bowl.

00:34:06.000 Right.

00:34:06.000 You're rich.

00:34:07.000 You probably just have a, you know, fucking... 1.00

00:34:08.000 I throw change away. 1.00

00:34:11.000 That's amazing.

00:34:12.000 I don't need that stuff. 0.97

00:34:13.000 I think it's trash. 0.96

00:34:14.000 No, I don't. 0.99

00:34:14.000 I give it to my kids. 0.99

00:34:16.000 Right in the trash.

00:34:17.000 They throw it away.

00:34:17.000 That's right.

00:34:24.000 I don't even like $1 bills.

00:34:26.000 My kids...

00:34:28.000 That's amazing.

00:34:29.000 So, do you remember?

00:34:31.000 I mean, there was a point in your life where I'm sure you had one.

00:34:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:33.000 No, I rolled pennies up to make dinner.

00:34:36.000 Yeah, guys have like, you know, they're change jar.

00:34:39.000 And so I said it and it was like, whatever.

00:34:41.000 And then the guy went from like laughing, laughing. 1.00

00:34:43.000 And then as soon as I said that joke, he just looked at me and he went, that's so we can pay for your shit! 1.00

00:34:50.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:34:50.000 I was like, uh-oh. 1.00

00:34:53.000 And from then on out, it was just like everything I said. 1.00

00:34:55.000 He'd be like, well, that's because fucking you did it. 1.00

00:34:57.000 And that's because if you didn't fucking spend so much money. 1.00

00:34:59.000 So he's heckling. 0.99

00:35:00.000 He's literally, he's in the front row, alone.

00:35:03.000 Alone by himself?

00:35:04.000 Alone by himself.

00:35:04.000 Oh, that's not good.

00:35:06.000 And you know that moment where someone's heckling and you're like, if only I can hear them, I'll keep going.

00:35:10.000 But if the audience can hear them, I have to do something.

00:35:12.000 So I finally had to go.

00:35:14.000 But at the La Jolla Comedy Store, there's like a window into the street.

00:35:17.000 So he went outside and just stood in the window and stared at me for the rest of the performance.

00:35:23.000 And I just remember he was just standing there.

00:35:26.000 And it was like, you know, so I think comedy can really trigger people sometimes.

00:35:32.000 It's you're drinking, you're out, you have someone...

00:35:35.000 You're talking about a guy that's willing to go to a comedy show by himself, though, and sit in the front row.

00:35:39.000 Already a red flag.

00:35:40.000 You should just kick that person out right away.

00:35:42.000 This is a guy that emailed you, so you got- This is a different guy.

00:35:44.000 Oh, yes, yes, yes.

00:35:45.000 He emailed and, yeah, good point.

00:35:47.000 So you have a connection with- He's probably thinking he's going to be in love with you.

00:35:51.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:35:51.000 He's going to straighten you out.

00:35:52.000 So you're a little too mouthy.

00:35:54.000 You're a little too talkative.

00:35:55.000 You have too many opinions.

00:35:56.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:35:56.000 And he's like, yeah, I'll fucking- I know why. 0.98

00:35:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:59.000 I'll just yell back at her. 0.99

00:36:00.000 Yeah.

00:36:02.000 Straighten her out. 0.97

00:36:02.000 Girls love that. 0.97

00:36:03.000 Yeah, well, you know, there are people that think that people need to be put in check and that people like it.

00:36:10.000 There's a comedian- I'll tell you the story now, but I'm not going to tell you who it is.

00:36:16.000 Okay.

00:36:17.000 Can I guess?

00:36:18.000 Yes.

00:36:18.000 Okay.

00:36:19.000 But if you get it right, I'm not going to tell you until after.

00:36:21.000 If I get it right, just go...

00:36:23.000 Don't, because now I'm probably going to do that anyway.

00:36:31.000 There is this thing, I think, that exactly what you're talking about...

00:36:34.000 Jane Cook! 1.00

00:36:34.000 Yes! 1.00

00:36:35.000 You got it!

00:36:37.000 Jane Cook! 1.00

00:36:39.000 I do think there is this thing, the same way women sometimes meet a man and they're like, I can fix him, when he's probably not broken and is happy and fine.

00:36:48.000 Or like, I'll whip him.

00:36:49.000 I hear my friends say it all the time.

00:36:51.000 And I'm like, no, no, he's fine.

00:36:53.000 He's happy.

00:36:54.000 You don't need to fix him.

00:36:55.000 He doesn't think he's broken.

00:36:56.000 And I think sometimes guys with me are like, I'll tame her.

00:37:00.000 Like, I'll break her.

00:37:01.000 You know, like, I'll...

00:37:04.000 And there was this comedian who sent me a message on, I guess it was when I was on Facebook, or it wasn't MySpace, it was one of those, who I would always see around.

00:37:14.000 And I'm pretty elusive.

00:37:15.000 Like, you and I, we haven't got to hang at the comedy store that much, but I'm in and I'm out.

00:37:20.000 Less so now.

00:37:22.000 I would hang now because cool people are there now.

00:37:24.000 But when you were gone, it was kind of...

00:37:27.000 It's toxic in there and intense and not fun.

00:37:30.000 Now it's a little more fun.

00:37:31.000 And so I would just get in, do my set, and leave.

00:37:34.000 Because I was trying to do a couple sets a night.

00:37:37.000 I would just be like, hey, what's up?

00:37:39.000 And we wouldn't flirt, but it would just be like, hey.

00:37:41.000 And the kind of person who wants to give you tags.

00:37:45.000 Oh, they're always bad.

00:37:47.000 They're like, you know what you should say there?

00:37:48.000 And it's like, uh... 0.66

00:37:50.000 And I get this message that was like rage, like a rage, rage email that was like, you know, you don't know what your, like, you know, the basic gist of it, I don't remember how it started, but it ended in like, you don't know what makes you cum. 0.77

00:38:08.000 I can show you. 0.62

00:38:10.000 What?

00:38:10.000 I know, like, it was like, I was like, I obviously accidentally...

00:38:15.000 Did they actually say that? 0.95

00:38:16.000 You don't know what makes you cum?

00:38:17.000 I'm sure I still have the screen grab of it. 0.94

00:38:19.000 How do you know?

00:38:20.000 I sent it to everyone. 1.00

00:38:21.000 I'd be like, bitch, how do you know what makes me cum? 0.99

00:38:22.000 Yeah, I don't, like, it was just, but it was like this... 1.00

00:38:27.000 It was like an alpha reaction, I think, or something.

00:38:30.000 Like, I just need to shame you or something.

00:38:34.000 I don't know what it was.

00:38:34.000 Ooh.

00:38:35.000 Yeah.

00:38:35.000 But that's not alpha.

00:38:36.000 Like, what is that?

00:38:37.000 What would it take for you to say that to a girl? 1.00

00:38:40.000 Well, that's a crazy person. 0.99

00:38:41.000 Okay. 0.80

00:38:41.000 Usually it's self-obsessed, like delusional, obsessive. 0.80

00:38:45.000 Clinical, delusional narcissism or something.

00:38:46.000 That's true. 0.91

00:38:47.000 Yeah, completely narcissistic. 0.74

00:38:48.000 Just to reach out like that to you.

00:38:50.000 You know what that is?

00:38:51.000 You are an accoutrement or you're a piece of wardrobe in his life.

00:38:59.000 Interesting.

00:39:00.000 And you don't want him to try you on.

00:39:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:39:04.000 Interesting.

00:39:05.000 Like, he's upset.

00:39:06.000 Like, you're in my life, and it's not, why aren't you doing what I want you to do in my life?

00:39:10.000 My life!

00:39:11.000 That's clinical narcissism, is that everyone is an extension of you, and if you're not doing what I wrote, you're acting out.

00:39:17.000 Yeah.

00:39:18.000 That's interesting.

00:39:19.000 Well, there's a lot of people that feel like that.

00:39:21.000 I mean, that's the classic example of why comedians don't like to work with other good comedians.

00:39:26.000 Interesting.

00:39:26.000 Because they don't want anybody else doing well.

00:39:28.000 Yeah.

00:39:30.000 It's got to be all about them. 0.98

00:39:32.000 How many bad comedians do we know that take the fucking worst people on the road with them? 0.99

00:39:37.000 The worst! 0.99

00:39:40.000 It's so bad that you go, okay, do you hate your audience?

00:39:44.000 I bring the people I think are the funniest because my audience is paying money.

00:39:50.000 And...

00:39:50.000 And you want to laugh, too.

00:39:51.000 Yes!

00:39:52.000 You want to have fun.

00:39:52.000 I have to watch them, too.

00:39:53.000 Yes, exactly.

00:39:54.000 It doesn't benefit me to have less talented people around me.

00:39:57.000 I actually do the opposite to a fault.

00:39:59.000 I feel like I try to hire people who are more talented than me in every area of my life so that it makes me look better.

00:40:03.000 Well, that's, again, you're weirdly introspective in that way.

00:40:07.000 But there's a lot of people that get into comedy because of all the scars of their childhood, like we were talking about.

00:40:13.000 And they don't heal those things.

00:40:16.000 Instead, they just find workarounds.

00:40:18.000 Yeah.

00:40:18.000 They find a way where they can sort of express themselves.

00:40:22.000 It's almost like, see, I told you!

00:40:24.000 I showed the world!

00:40:25.000 They never come to a neutral point.

00:40:27.000 They never get over their childhood where they go, okay, well, what am I doing?

00:40:30.000 Is there a benefit to what I'm doing here?

00:40:32.000 Should I just stop if I'm healthy now?

00:40:34.000 Should I just stop what I'm doing?

00:40:35.000 Or should I use what I'm doing and just enjoy it and have a good time and then realize that I probably got here because of an unhealthy obsession or because of a bad childhood or whatever, but now that I'm kind of moving past that, maybe I could use this position to just have some fun. 0.99

00:40:55.000 Exactly what you're saying like you just made it so clear to me what I was not being clear about in the beginning of like the You know if you bring unfunny people on the road you're really funny Comparatively and so all of a sudden you've created this little world for yourself where you become this king of the idiots Yes,

00:41:12.000 but if you were to step outside that world You're all of a sudden at the bottom of the food chain like you create a world where at the top of the food chain Which is like why it was important to me to Go to other countries, be around people that have no idea who I am, that I don't pay, that don't think I'm funny,

00:41:28.000 that can't even understand what I'm saying.

00:41:30.000 It's just very humbling.

00:41:31.000 And then you're like, oh, who am I without all this stuff?

00:41:34.000 You know, without achievements and money and car or a car, whatever it is, you know, because I'm afraid that I might do that by accident.

00:41:44.000 Yeah.

00:41:45.000 Because if you have people around you who are paid, who are afraid to say no to you, that's how you stop getting funny.

00:41:52.000 Everyone around you is like, ah!

00:41:53.000 I saw Chris Rock at the store once, I'm sure you have this, where he was working on, I don't know, not the Oscars or something.

00:42:00.000 And he got on stage and he said something that was just like, hey, sorry I'm late.

00:42:04.000 My car was, I couldn't find a spot for it.

00:42:07.000 And everyone was like, ha ha ha ha!

00:42:08.000 And he was like, that wasn't funny.

00:42:10.000 Please don't laugh unless I say something funny.

00:42:15.000 Please, please treat me like I'm normal.

00:42:17.000 Yeah, he was like, that's how comics stop being funny.

00:42:20.000 It's because people enable that.

00:42:22.000 When you get so big, like you, it's like, you know, people stop.

00:42:26.000 I mean, your audience, I'm sure, is really...

00:42:29.000 Well, we can all be guilty of it.

00:42:31.000 What you're talking about is navigating all these landmines that success can set up for you, which are better landmines than failure, but still landmines. 0.89

00:42:42.000 And the landmines of fame are particularly intoxicating because when someone has a bunch of fans that say, oh my god, Mike Fuckface is here. 0.60

00:42:52.000 Yay! 0.99

00:42:53.000 Oh my god, it's Mike!

00:42:54.000 And they go run up to you.

00:42:55.000 I can't believe you're so amazing!

00:42:57.000 Thank you.

00:42:58.000 Thank you very much.

00:42:59.000 Do you want to take a picture with me?

00:43:00.000 I'm cool with that.

00:43:01.000 It becomes this thing where you get accustomed to that. 0.99

00:43:06.000 It gets so myopic and you forget that there's six billion people that don't have any fucking idea who you are. 0.99

00:43:12.000 And if Mike Fuckface is around Tony McDickface, and Tony McDickface is more famous, like Tony McDickface has a movie out now, then Mike Fuckface gets really mad. 0.99

00:43:22.000 Like, Tony McDickface is stealing my shine. 0.98

00:43:24.000 Yes, you're exactly right.

00:43:25.000 Have you ever seen those guys before?

00:43:27.000 Both represented by Barry Katz.

00:43:30.000 I think they just left Barry.

00:43:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they're doing his podcast.

00:43:34.000 They just went to three yards.

00:43:36.000 But it is that sort of thing.

00:43:39.000 No, I literally found myself, because it's also, if you do achieve anything, it doesn't matter because you're just comparing yourself to someone with more achievements.

00:43:46.000 So I'm recreating this feeling of failure at every level of success and recreating this unhappiness at every level where I have no real problems.

00:43:57.000 You know?

00:43:58.000 It's like, yeah, I have... 1.00

00:44:00.000 They're bullshit problems. 1.00

00:44:01.000 Yeah, they're fake problems. 1.00

00:44:02.000 It's like, you know, it's like, yeah, my parents are sick.

00:44:04.000 Yeah, I have a lot of, you know, real things.

00:44:06.000 But it's also, it's like, you know, I can pay the bill to get them.

00:44:11.000 Like, I literally am going through this thing where it's like, nursing homes and care for older people. 0.99

00:44:17.000 And I'm like, how the fuck? 1.00

00:44:17.000 Fuck do people pay for this? 1.00

00:44:19.000 I have to go on tour to pay for it. 1.00

00:44:21.000 I mean, I have to, you know, thank God I get to do that for a living and I'm doing casinos and shit, but it's a fortune. 0.92

00:44:26.000 And I'm like, oh, and my dad is, you know, is a vet. 1.00

00:44:29.000 And I looked at the vet facilities and I was just like, are you fucked? 0.99

00:44:32.000 This is where vets go? 1.00

00:44:34.000 The guys that fucking lost their limbs for our country? 0.99

00:44:37.000 Like, this is where you're putting them? 1.00

00:44:38.000 I mean, vets are dying in these fucking facilities. 0.99

00:44:41.000 We had to do these, we did these benefits, these events called Fight for the Troops, and we did these for the Intrepid Center for Excellence. 1.00

00:44:51.000 Uh-huh.

00:44:51.000 Which is an establishment that they've...

00:44:55.000 These facilities, they're creating these state-of-the-art facilities to deal with people with traumatic brain injuries.

00:45:01.000 And so they showed us all these guys and it's unbelievably heartbreaking.

00:45:06.000 You see these people with their wives and their children and their families and they're trying to rehabilitate them and they're going through all these steps.

00:45:13.000 But what was more disheartening than anything was to realize that all this stuff is privately funded because the United States government just...

00:45:21.000 They don't allocate enough money to treatment of these troops when they get home.

00:45:25.000 They just don't.

00:45:26.000 So we have to raise all this money for these people.

00:45:29.000 So while we're doing this, they wanted us to talk about it at the beginning of it. 0.86

00:45:33.000 And I have to measure myself because it's on television and what I want to say is this is fucking crazy that we have to do a fight to raise... 0.96

00:45:43.000 We're going to give people brain damage so that we can raise money for brain damage. 0.95

00:45:48.000 You'll raise the money for all the weapons.

00:45:49.000 Right.

00:45:50.000 That they really seem to find money for, but not for the humans that use the weapons.

00:45:54.000 But these guys, it's so ironic in a lot of ways because these people are fighting.

00:45:58.000 And if they're fighting, a bunch of people got knocked out in the show.

00:46:01.000 So they got some brain damage.

00:46:04.000 Obviously they're competing.

00:46:06.000 It's their decision.

00:46:07.000 They're going for glory.

00:46:09.000 They're trying to make it as a fighter.

00:46:11.000 But the end result is they're getting pounded on so that we can make money.

00:46:18.000 It's crazy.

00:46:19.000 So they could help people who have brain damage. 1.00

00:46:21.000 That is the most Chinese finger trap of a fucking concept. 0.99

00:46:27.000 You know, it's like the amount of brain damage you get from MMA is so minuscule compared to an IED. Yeah. 1.00

00:46:33.000 It's also, why the fuck do we not set money aside for this? 0.97

00:46:38.000 Find out what every congressman gets. 0.98

00:46:42.000 Find out what every senator gets. 1.00

00:46:44.000 Chop a chunk of that shit out and send it to the Intrepid Center. 0.99

00:46:48.000 I mean, there's got to be a way that there's got to be some fucking red tape and bureaucracy that you can cut and you could send some of that money to help take care of these people that you're forcing to go overseas and fight these battles. 0.99

00:47:27.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.93

00:47:31.000 That's what we're dealing with.

00:47:34.000 I mean, it's just it's it's too crazy.

00:47:37.000 And yeah, and then I'm like, oh, God, where's my soy milk?

00:47:41.000 I'm amazed it's only 22 a day.

00:47:43.000 I thought it was.

00:47:44.000 Yeah, I know.

00:47:44.000 I thought it was one every like seven minutes or something.

00:47:46.000 But that's an average.

00:47:47.000 Maybe it is some days.

00:47:48.000 I don't know.

00:47:48.000 I don't like throwing statistics around unless I know I'm talking about people that have served.

00:47:52.000 I just know too many.

00:47:53.000 I know too much of it.

00:47:55.000 I've talked to too many guys and I've talked to too many people that, you know, the reality of it is so bleak.

00:48:01.000 And also, from the little I know about it, and then the drone guys is a real nightmare because there's all this, you know, normally when you are in combat and you come back, you do a, is it called a neutralization period?

00:48:15.000 Like you go to Germany for like five days and they chill you out before you go back to your family and kids after you've just been in combat.

00:48:23.000 But these drone guys, not only is the technology so advanced that they're seeing all these women and children, they're not in the fog of war, right?

00:48:29.000 They don't just see, like, threat, threat, threat.

00:48:31.000 Because when you are getting shot at, a kid might as well be a guy with a gun.

00:48:36.000 So these guys are seeing these people getting shot super close up.

00:48:41.000 They're seeing their own guys get shot.

00:48:44.000 They're seeing it, and then they go upstairs to their wife and kids, and there's just no...

00:48:53.000 Really?

00:49:01.000 Yeah.

00:49:16.000 Well, from what I've talked to with guys that were in the SEALs or Rangers, special operatives guys, is that those guys have way less issues.

00:49:27.000 SEALs and Rangers.

00:49:28.000 Okay.

00:49:29.000 Because first of all, mentally, they're going to be the most durable.

00:49:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:49:33.000 It's never the strongest guys.

00:49:35.000 It's always the most.

00:49:36.000 Yeah.

00:49:37.000 Yeah.

00:49:37.000 Well, those guys, they're mentally more durable.

00:49:40.000 They have a better understanding.

00:49:41.000 They have way deeper and more intense camaraderie than the average person does.

00:49:47.000 And then on top of that, they're proactive.

00:49:50.000 They're the ones who are hunting down bad guys.

00:49:52.000 They're not waiting for people to attack them.

00:49:54.000 They're going after them.

00:49:55.000 So it's a totally different kind of thing. 0.95

00:49:57.000 If they plot a mission and they're going to go fuck somebody up, they're hunting. 0.89

00:50:03.000 We're not being hunted. 0.97

00:50:05.000 And when you're being hunted, you wake up and you're hearing things.

00:50:07.000 That's where the stress comes from.

00:50:10.000 Dude, I wanted to send you this book.

00:50:12.000 You probably already read it.

00:50:13.000 It's called Sapiens, I think.

00:50:16.000 And it's essentially, it's about anxiety.

00:50:20.000 Is that the book you texted me the other day?

00:50:21.000 No, that was a different one.

00:50:22.000 I realized I had been texting you too many books.

00:50:24.000 That's all right.

00:50:25.000 Keep it coming.

00:50:28.000 Kindles can fill up. 0.99

00:50:30.000 Yeah, as I say, most girls send naked photos, nude pics. 1.00

00:50:33.000 I send science books. 1.00

00:50:34.000 It's like, no wonder I'm fucking alone. 0.88

00:50:37.000 And it's about anxiety. 0.94

00:50:39.000 And everyone's like, I have anxiety, I have anxiety.

00:50:41.000 And it's like, anxiety is actually...

00:50:42.000 It talks about sort of the origin of it.

00:50:44.000 And it's two-pronged.

00:50:46.000 One is...

00:50:47.000 Because I had a lot of shame about anxiety, too.

00:50:49.000 Shame about anxiety?

00:50:51.000 Shame about it.

00:50:51.000 Like, why am I anxious?

00:50:53.000 It's like, we're actually supposed to be anxious, you know, just by the laws of survival of the fittest.

00:50:57.000 The fittest were the ones that were anxious. 0.91

00:50:59.000 You know, thousands of years ago, the anxious hypervigilant people were the ones that were like, oh, there's a fucking tiger, we should move. 0.95

00:51:04.000 And the ones that didn't have anxiety just got eaten alive, right? 0.92

00:51:07.000 Well, then you're definitely one of the watchers.

00:51:08.000 Yeah, I think I'm definitely...

00:51:10.000 You got anxiety.

00:51:10.000 I think I'm a washer.

00:51:11.000 You can't sleep.

00:51:12.000 I know.

00:51:12.000 You're up at night.

00:51:13.000 That's why we've got weed.

00:51:14.000 And you're also a stand-up comedian, so you live a nightlife.

00:51:18.000 Yeah, I have adrenaline.

00:51:20.000 People who grew up in hectic homes who produced adrenaline young usually have an adrenaline addiction.

00:51:26.000 Oh, I definitely have that.

00:51:27.000 Yeah, because your body's producing so much adrenaline.

00:51:30.000 I have a huge problem with that.

00:51:31.000 You must.

00:51:31.000 Oh, huge.

00:51:32.000 Also, to your point just now, I never thought, of course I hadn't thought about it, I'm not smart enough to, but I have never known that humans are not designed to be at the top of the food chain.

00:51:43.000 We're only at the top of the food chain because we have weapons.

00:51:46.000 And the reason we have weapons is because we have really large brains.

00:51:49.000 Which was actually not helpful at all.

00:51:51.000 It's really inefficient and uneconomical for energy because I guess our brains burn like 25 or 30% of our calories or something.

00:51:57.000 So chimpanzees and apes had smaller brains.

00:52:00.000 They were able to climb trees and avoid threats.

00:52:02.000 Like a big brain is like a disaster, except that we invented tools.

00:52:07.000 So we sort of, not based on merit, we superficially, once we invented tools, jumped to the top of the food chain, but we don't deserve to be there because without weapons, A lot of species would kill us.

00:52:18.000 Yeah, but we can figure out weapons, so of course we deserve to be there.

00:52:21.000 Totally, but as soon as the weapons are gone, we're vulnerable.

00:52:25.000 We're vulnerable to animals.

00:52:26.000 Yes, because we're not truly at the top of the food chain.

00:52:30.000 We only are at the top of the food chain if we have a weapon.

00:52:32.000 Yeah, but we have weapons, so we're at the top of the food chain.

00:52:35.000 That's like a turtle without a shell is vulnerable.

00:52:37.000 But the second you drop your weapon, you're in the middle of the food chain. 1.00

00:52:40.000 Don't drop it, bitch. 1.00

00:52:43.000 I'm not as agile as you. 1.00

00:52:44.000 You keep the fucking weapon. 1.00

00:52:46.000 That's how you stay alive. 1.00

00:52:47.000 That's like 101. But that's the anxiety.

00:52:49.000 Hold the fucking weapon. 1.00

00:52:50.000 Don't drop it. 1.00

00:52:51.000 And keep your shit together. 1.00

00:52:52.000 Yeah, and keep on fucking high alert. 1.00

00:52:54.000 Because the second, if your back is to a lion and the weapon's pointing this way, you're still going to die. 0.99

00:52:59.000 Yes.

00:52:59.000 The lions are problematic even if you have a weapon.

00:53:03.000 Yeah, they eat bullets for fucking breakfast. 0.99

00:53:05.000 There's a balance of animal sizes. 1.00

00:53:08.000 The second you run out of bullets, it's over.

00:53:10.000 Well, you know, when you think about what made a human a human, it's really fascinating.

00:53:16.000 Because it becomes like, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

00:53:19.000 Like, what were we like when we were Australopithecus? 0.99

00:53:22.000 You know, they have these depictions of us and what we looked like all hairy and with fucking sloped foreheads and shit. 0.96

00:53:28.000 We were pretty close to people, but not really people. 0.98

00:53:31.000 And when you really look at the fossil record, what they understand at least, we're only talking about this kind of person, like you and I, for a couple hundred thousand years.

00:53:41.000 That's so recent.

00:53:43.000 So recent.

00:53:44.000 It's so weird.

00:53:45.000 I have an extra bone in my foot.

00:53:47.000 What?

00:53:48.000 What's your foot doing?

00:53:50.000 My feet are webbed.

00:53:51.000 Is that a turn-off for all those foot fetishes? 1.00

00:53:54.000 Keep your socks on.

00:53:55.000 You know what's so funny?

00:53:56.000 I'm wearing flip-flops today.

00:53:57.000 It's a real power move.

00:54:00.000 Do you really have webbed feet?

00:54:01.000 No, I don't.

00:54:02.000 I'm joking.

00:54:03.000 I want to see.

00:54:03.000 I've never seen that before.

00:54:04.000 But there are these foot fetishes.

00:54:06.000 Hi, guys.

00:54:07.000 There's foot fetishes out there.

00:54:09.000 And if you Google me, I think Whitney Cummings' feet is the second or third one.

00:54:17.000 That's for most people in the public eye.

00:54:19.000 Feet is always two.

00:54:21.000 Google Charlize Theron.

00:54:23.000 Don't do it.

00:54:24.000 And just see what they come up, you know?

00:54:26.000 Right.

00:54:27.000 So I'm really afraid that if I admit this, although I'm going to lose my foot fetish demo, but I had this pain in my foot and I think we're probably a little bit similar, you much more so, but I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.

00:54:40.000 I didn't go to doctors growing up.

00:54:42.000 It's just like, suck it up.

00:54:43.000 That's what I caught on fire.

00:54:44.000 I went to school.

00:54:45.000 That's basically how my family was.

00:54:47.000 You just suck it up and you man up.

00:54:50.000 So I had this pain in my foot, or my big toe and then my third toe, once every two weeks, real bad.

00:54:59.000 And it would be just a stabbing, awful pain, but I just was like, oh, that's my foot.

00:55:03.000 Like once every two weeks, my foot has like a spasm and it lasts for like, I don't know, like two minutes and then I get through it.

00:55:08.000 And I was in a writer's room one day and my feet were up on the table and then I was like, had the pain came and I was like, and I'm like screaming.

00:55:17.000 And two minutes later, I'm like, anyway, so act three, what should we? 0.96

00:55:20.000 And everyone was like, what the fuck was that? 0.90

00:55:22.000 I was like, oh, I have this thing. 0.99

00:55:23.000 I have this foot spasm that happens once every two weeks.

00:55:26.000 It's just like my foot.

00:55:27.000 And everyone was like, no, that's not a thing.

00:55:29.000 That's not a...

00:55:30.000 You have to go to a podiatrist.

00:55:32.000 First time I've ever went to a podiatrist.

00:55:34.000 And he gave me an extra.

00:55:34.000 And he's like, oh, you have an extra foot.

00:55:36.000 I'm sorry.

00:55:36.000 You have an extra foot.

00:55:37.000 You have an extra bone in your foot between your second and third toe.

00:55:40.000 And he's like, it's basically just remnants of being a Neanderthal. 0.75

00:55:46.000 Really?

00:55:46.000 Yes.

00:55:47.000 Now, is it, uh, it's not bone spurs, like a broken foot?

00:55:51.000 No, it's literally just like an extra, you can't really see it.

00:55:54.000 It's just like an extra bone, like right here.

00:55:58.000 Whoa.

00:55:58.000 Like one dink.

00:56:00.000 Hmm.

00:56:00.000 You know, because we used to have more bones in our feet.

00:56:03.000 And you're just like, that's fucking real. 0.96

00:56:05.000 Like, it was not that long ago. 0.98

00:56:08.000 Why would we have extra bones, though?

00:56:10.000 What purpose would they?

00:56:11.000 It's something about the, uh, uh, I'll find out for you.

00:56:16.000 It's something about the webbing or something.

00:56:19.000 My friend Steve Rinella went to Bolivia and he stayed with Chumani, the tribe. 1.00

00:56:25.000 It's a tribe in Bolivia.

00:56:27.000 And they don't wear shoes and they live in the rainforest.

00:56:30.000 And their feet are splayed out.

00:56:34.000 It's interesting.

00:56:34.000 Our feet are like this.

00:56:36.000 And is that genetic or is it worn from running?

00:56:38.000 Oh, it's worn.

00:56:39.000 Worn from running all the time.

00:56:40.000 So, well, it's just walking constantly barefoot.

00:56:42.000 But, like, our feet are like this, where their feet are spread.

00:56:45.000 Like, their toes are spread out. 0.99

00:56:47.000 And women's in America are, like, all fucking mushed, fucking all shrimp. 1.00

00:56:51.000 So many girls I see in their feet, their toes are taking left and right turns. 1.00

00:56:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:56:55.000 They're just trying to run away from each other.

00:56:57.000 Jammed into these fucking shoes that don't shape. 1.00

00:57:00.000 They're not shaped like a foot. 1.00

00:57:01.000 Cocktail shrimp. 1.00

00:57:02.000 Whose fucking feet are shaped like that? 1.00

00:57:04.000 Asian bound geisha. 1.00

00:57:05.000 Not even.

00:57:06.000 That's, like, they have to do it, right?

00:57:07.000 It's crazy.

00:57:08.000 But these Chumani people, Rinello was there, and he was walking through the woods with these people, and he was like, this is incredible, because they've never had shoes. 1.00

00:57:17.000 They don't have any shoes.

00:57:18.000 And if you give them shoes, they try them on. 0.99

00:57:19.000 They're like, what the fuck is this? 0.99

00:57:20.000 This is crazy, yeah. 1.00

00:57:21.000 And they throw it aside.

00:57:22.000 And they have these thick shoes.

00:57:23.000 Thick soles of their feet.

00:57:25.000 Sure.

00:57:25.000 From just constantly...

00:57:27.000 But again, that's exactly like you keep saying, my goal, we acclimate to where we are, so I want to have the thick, thick soul in my personality.

00:57:37.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:38.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:38.000 I want to be that person.

00:57:40.000 I don't want to be the one who is like...

00:57:43.000 Can fall apart constantly.

00:57:44.000 Yes.

00:57:44.000 Anxiety.

00:57:45.000 Yes.

00:57:46.000 I don't want to be this like...

00:57:47.000 Oh my god, do you have stevia? 0.99

00:57:50.000 I started realizing I had all these fucking needs that I didn't need. 0.99

00:57:54.000 Don't you think those are patterns that we see around us constantly? 0.99

00:57:58.000 Yeah, because it's so socially enforced.

00:58:00.000 It's so like coconut milk, soy milk, $6 latte, and it becomes normal after a while. 0.98

00:58:05.000 And I was like, this is not fucking normal. 0.92

00:58:06.000 It's also comforting to behave in these patterns that we've already seen before. 0.98

00:58:10.000 It makes you feel like you're a normal person.

00:58:12.000 And it makes us feel like because we're designed to be part of a tribe and to fit in.

00:58:15.000 And standing out produces stress because it means we're less safe.

00:58:21.000 And I was like, I do not want to... 1.00

00:58:22.000 Because you drive around and you're like, this fucking asshole, this asshole. 1.00

00:58:25.000 And you're like, I'm one of those assholes. 1.00

00:58:27.000 I've got to remove myself from the situation and go watch kids have surgery. 1.00

00:58:31.000 You know a lot of these asshole things like the fucking rogue rage and all that jazz? 1.00

00:58:35.000 A lot of that goes away when you're in a small town. 1.00

00:58:38.000 Tell me.

00:58:39.000 Yeah.

00:58:40.000 That's interesting.

00:58:41.000 In Boulder, one of the things that I found, and I was only in Boulder for a few months, but one of the things that I found when I was there was people drive way more polite.

00:58:48.000 They're way nicer.

00:58:50.000 They let people in and they don't cut people off as much. 1.00

00:58:53.000 Because they're fucking stoned. 1.00

00:58:54.000 No, no. 1.00

00:58:55.000 That too.

00:58:56.000 Everyone.

00:58:56.000 For sure, that too.

00:58:58.000 But there's less of them.

00:58:59.000 There's only 100,000 people in the town.

00:59:01.000 Oh, sure.

00:59:02.000 So when you have a small community, first of all, there's less diffusion of responsibility because you and that person are probably going to see each other again.

00:59:10.000 Got it.

00:59:11.000 So if I give someone the finger on the highway on the 405, what are the odds I'm going to meet that dude again?

00:59:15.000 Zero.

00:59:16.000 Probably zero.

00:59:17.000 Interesting.

00:59:17.000 There's less accountability.

00:59:18.000 It's like we can be more anonymous.

00:59:20.000 More accountability, yeah.

00:59:22.000 You have more responsibility as a community.

00:59:25.000 Like if you see someone pulled over the side of the road, you have more desire to pull over and help them.

00:59:29.000 It's like tribal. 0.73

00:59:30.000 I mean, that's really like a tribe mentality. 0.98

00:59:33.000 Like there was these people that were pushing their car the other day and they were on the side of the road and I was thinking, fuck, should I get out of the car and help them push the car? 0.98

00:59:41.000 And I think I watched them do it. 0.96

00:59:43.000 I'm like, yeah, they're okay.

00:59:43.000 They got it.

00:59:44.000 It's up on the hill.

00:59:45.000 It's up on the curb.

00:59:47.000 They're going to be okay.

00:59:48.000 But I was thinking, if this was a small town, for sure I'd pull over.

00:59:52.000 And I was thinking that at that moment, because of the time that I spent living in Boulder, I was amazed at how polite people were.

01:00:01.000 And also, the less people in the town, like when I was in this town in the mountains, they would wave when you would go by.

01:00:08.000 People would lift their hand up when you would drive by.

01:00:10.000 Yeah, you're like...

01:00:10.000 You'd pass each other and everybody...

01:00:12.000 And I got used to doing it and we all did it.

01:00:13.000 You know, as you were driving this way and that person was driving that way, you lift your hand up and you wave to them because there's not that many of you.

01:00:19.000 See, in LA, I think there's so fucking many people that we lose the idea of value of our fellow humans because our fellow humans become a burden.

01:00:29.000 Dogfight. 0.98

01:00:30.000 Yeah.

01:00:30.000 Become a burden.

01:00:31.000 There's too many of us.

01:00:32.000 And so there's a lot of benefit in that.

01:00:34.000 For people like you and I, it's great because there's so many clubs we can work at.

01:00:38.000 There's so much variety as far as restaurants we can eat at or places we can go and so much culture to see.

01:00:44.000 But also, you're dealing with this massive volume of people and it's hard to keep your perspective.

01:00:50.000 It's hard to keep your perspective just with the sheer numbers.

01:00:52.000 And I think in a lot of ways it mirrors what we're talking about, even with celebrity or with fame or with wealth, that it's hard to keep perspective.

01:01:01.000 People need adversity, difficult situations.

01:01:05.000 We need things in order to keep our perspective.

01:01:08.000 You know what's interesting?

01:01:10.000 Have you been to Tokyo?

01:01:11.000 Yes.

01:01:12.000 So Tokyo is, like, hectic.

01:01:15.000 I mean, it's not as much of a car culture, but there's a weird—I wonder what part of its cultural and whether cars play it, because it's really—everything is Times Square.

01:01:25.000 Tokyo is, like, a big Times Square. 1.00

01:01:26.000 But there's, like, this concept of space, and it's not like— When I go to New York, it's like, fuck you, fuck you, excuse me, you know? 1.00

01:01:32.000 And it's like you're just like in a rat race. 1.00

01:01:33.000 Whereas in Tokyo, there was this weird harmonic sort of, it's almost like choreographed.

01:01:40.000 There's less of a like, I don't know what that, less aggression.

01:01:43.000 More respect.

01:01:44.000 Yeah.

01:01:44.000 Yeah, maybe it is that cultural thing we were talking about earlier, but it's less of like, maybe it's because we live in a capitalist society where it's all like we're competing with everybody.

01:01:53.000 Well, they compete too, but they compete in a very different way than we do.

01:01:56.000 They have a lot of honor and behavior patterns that they're expected to follow.

01:02:03.000 It's a very different world, but I was amazed how polite people were in Tokyo.

01:02:07.000 I was just...

01:02:09.000 I mean, I accidentally was rude because when a cab picks you up, you're not allowed to open the door.

01:02:15.000 The door opens and it's considered rude if you open the door yourself or close it.

01:02:19.000 The cab driver gets up and opens it and closes it for you.

01:02:22.000 Really?

01:02:22.000 Yeah.

01:02:22.000 Like, it's rude to do something for yourself.

01:02:25.000 Huh.

01:02:26.000 And it's weird because it makes you feel like you're going to be robbed because everyone's like, how are you?

01:02:31.000 Can I help you? 0.98

01:02:31.000 It's like the service is like, you know, as you said, it's all about honor and dignity and taking pride in your work, which I'm all about fucking shortcuts. 0.98

01:02:38.000 It's like, how do I... Well, they're all about doing something the most difficult way. 0.85

01:02:45.000 Painstaking.

01:02:46.000 Yeah, painstaking.

01:02:47.000 Like samurai swords.

01:02:49.000 Have you ever seen an actual samurai sword?

01:02:51.000 No.

01:02:52.000 Of course.

01:02:53.000 Joe's got one in his pocket, guys.

01:02:57.000 Jesus!

01:02:58.000 This is from the 1500s.

01:03:00.000 Okay.

01:03:01.000 This is a real samurai sword from the 1500s, like legitimately.

01:03:04.000 And if you look at that blade, that blade was made by some guy who took steel, pounded it, folded it over, pounded it again, folded it over, pounded it again.

01:03:16.000 It takes forever.

01:03:18.000 And you can see if you look at the actual...

01:03:20.000 There's no assembly line.

01:03:21.000 No.

01:03:22.000 Well, that's so much more humanizing.

01:03:24.000 It's like, if there's just an assembly line that's making these, you know, as a human, you just feel like a robot.

01:03:30.000 You feel like you are robbed of your individuality.

01:03:32.000 You know, this is like, you can take pride in your work.

01:03:35.000 But they did it different than anybody.

01:03:37.000 They did it different than anybody who was making swords.

01:03:40.000 I mean, they had sword making and sword fighting.

01:03:43.000 These were heavy.

01:03:43.000 You've got to get your core on point for this.

01:03:46.000 That's the real deal.

01:03:47.000 And is this to actually kill people or is this to samurai fight?

01:03:50.000 That probably killed people. 0.90

01:03:52.000 What do you think it feels like to stab someone?

01:03:54.000 I bet it's not easy.

01:03:56.000 Easy in what way?

01:03:56.000 Like, I mean, you're way stronger than me.

01:03:59.000 Well, it depends on where you stab them. 0.89

01:04:00.000 Give me a... 0.94

01:04:01.000 That's a good...

01:04:01.000 So if you're...

01:04:02.000 In the stomach?

01:04:03.000 It's probably pretty easy. 0.89

01:04:04.000 If you need to create a replica of what it would be like to stab someone, would it be like a watermelon?

01:04:10.000 No, you'd get like a deer.

01:04:12.000 Oh, yeah.

01:04:13.000 Get like an animal.

01:04:14.000 Okay, that's obvious.

01:04:15.000 But like ribs, does ribs stop it?

01:04:19.000 Ribs can if you're weak, you know, but it depends on how heavy the blade is.

01:04:24.000 Like, does anyone ever try to stab someone and it's like, the ribs just stop the whole thing from happening?

01:04:28.000 For sure.

01:04:28.000 I guess that's what ribs are for, to protect your...

01:04:30.000 Yeah.

01:04:30.000 I mean a weak person who stabs you in the wrong spot with a small knife is probably not going to get it in.

01:04:37.000 But somebody who stabs you with that fucking thing, the odds of that not going through your ribs, pretty small. 0.99

01:04:44.000 If you're a strong person, most likely you're going to penetrate their entire body. 0.99

01:04:48.000 But it's also mirrored in archery, like in bow hunting.

01:04:52.000 That's like one of the most important aspects of bow hunting is to have a heavy arrow, That has a sharp blade with a powerful bow, so it goes through bone.

01:05:00.000 So it goes through the ribs.

01:05:02.000 If it doesn't go through the ribs, if it stops at the ribs, then you just have a wounded animal.

01:05:06.000 Where are you on bone marrow?

01:05:07.000 I eat bone marrow.

01:05:09.000 Me too.

01:05:09.000 I love it.

01:05:09.000 It's my new thing.

01:05:10.000 It's good stuff.

01:05:10.000 My nails, my hair, it's like, in that same book, it talks about how bone marrow, human brain growth, exponentially went up when humans started eating the bone marrow of animals.

01:05:23.000 Because they couldn't hunt their own animals.

01:05:24.000 They had to eat the leftover bone trash.

01:05:26.000 Right. 0.75

01:05:26.000 Right? 0.75

01:05:27.000 But that's actually where all the vitamins and the good shit is. 0.96

01:05:29.000 Well, there's so many questions and so many theories about what caused the doubling of the human brain size over a period of two million years. 0.93

01:05:35.000 It's really a fascinating subject because they just don't know.

01:05:39.000 There's all this speculation.

01:05:42.000 Some think that it was the ability to throw, the throwing arm.

01:05:46.000 Oh, yeah.

01:05:47.000 Because it's one of the most unique aspects of a person.

01:05:49.000 There's no other animal that can take a rock.

01:05:52.000 And throw it with accuracy like a person can.

01:05:55.000 So like ground nesting birds, things along those lines.

01:05:58.000 Is that a hand-eye coordination thing?

01:06:00.000 Yes.

01:06:00.000 Like a chimpanzee can throw something, but it doesn't mean it's going to hit the target.

01:06:03.000 Exactly.

01:06:03.000 Interesting.

01:06:03.000 Well, it doesn't have the synapses.

01:06:05.000 It doesn't have the connections in its mind that allow it to be like really accurate at distance.

01:06:10.000 Right.

01:06:10.000 Like a person, like think about like a pitcher who could throw a fastball.

01:06:14.000 How many feet is it to the plate?

01:06:16.000 62, something like that.

01:06:17.000 62 feet?

01:06:18.000 I think that's right.

01:06:19.000 Also, we were evolved to see underwater, right?

01:06:22.000 Like fish, first started.

01:06:24.000 So we're actually, our vision is, I wonder...

01:06:28.000 Find that out, Jamie.

01:06:29.000 I know nothing about that theory, so please.

01:06:31.000 Have you ever read the aquatic ape theory?

01:06:33.000 Nope.

01:06:33.000 The aquatic ape theory is really bizarre.

01:06:35.000 I love that.

01:06:37.000 It's very controversial, but the idea is that human beings come out of the womb with so much body fat, and we're so different than chimpanzees in that regard.

01:06:44.000 Like, a chimpanzee baby is like a chimpanzee adult.

01:06:47.000 It's just little.

01:06:48.000 Well, most...

01:06:49.000 Yes! 0.77

01:06:49.000 Yeah, but a human baby is filled with fat. 0.77

01:06:51.000 We're super fat.

01:06:52.000 Most species are born ready to go.

01:06:55.000 Right.

01:06:55.000 Ours are born completely helpless.

01:06:57.000 Not just helpless, but fat.

01:06:58.000 Yeah.

01:06:58.000 Like covered in fat.

01:06:59.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:07:00.000 And the idea is that we were in water and that we developed and we possibly evolved around water to the point where babies, like if you throw a chimpanzee baby in the water, they fucking drown.

01:07:13.000 They just, they breathe water and they drown.

01:07:15.000 You throw a human baby in the water, they instinctively hold their breath. 1.00

01:07:18.000 Yeah.

01:07:19.000 Because they're basically fish until they're born.

01:07:20.000 Like the Nirvana cover with the baby in the water.

01:07:24.000 The dollar bill.

01:07:24.000 My kids learned how to swim when they were babies.

01:07:27.000 That's awesome.

01:07:28.000 We taught them when they were really little.

01:07:30.000 We got them instruction.

01:07:31.000 But one of the things you realize, it's a very natural thing to hold your breath.

01:07:37.000 Yeah, it's instinctive.

01:07:38.000 Yeah, it's totally instinctive.

01:07:40.000 And so the aquatic ape theory theorizes that at one point in our evolution, we were primarily water bound, and that maybe we went into the water to get away from predators, or that maybe we figured out a way to develop in the water as lower hominids.

01:07:55.000 So no other animal holds their breath?

01:07:58.000 I don't know about no other animal, but I know that other primates don't. 1.00

01:08:01.000 Other primates just fucking drown like dummies. 0.99

01:08:04.000 Well, and if we were webbed at some point, is that for swimming? 0.99

01:08:07.000 Didn't we have webbed feet at some point?

01:08:09.000 I don't know if that's true, because chimps don't.

01:08:10.000 I don't know if that's true.

01:08:11.000 We might have.

01:08:12.000 I mean, we certainly...

01:08:13.000 Don't some people every now and then have webbed feet?

01:08:16.000 Yeah.

01:08:16.000 But that could be just an aberration, like cleft palate.

01:08:19.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:08:20.000 You know, I mean, I don't know why we would have a web.

01:08:23.000 I mean, maybe it makes sense.

01:08:25.000 Were we ducks at some point?

01:08:25.000 Here's a controversial theory.

01:08:27.000 It would kind of help you swim, right?

01:08:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:28.000 But then it would get in the way if you wanted to, like, do shit. 1.00

01:08:32.000 It would be a problem. 0.99

01:08:34.000 Well, yeah, but, I mean, they weren't texting.

01:08:37.000 Yeah.

01:08:38.000 We get in the way from your Instagramming.

01:08:40.000 Well, a lot of things that you would do.

01:08:42.000 Like what?

01:08:43.000 Climb trees?

01:08:44.000 Yeah, that would get in the way of that.

01:08:45.000 Oh yeah, like...

01:08:46.000 Scooping?

01:08:46.000 Yeah.

01:08:48.000 Making tools, I think it maybe would get in the way.

01:08:51.000 Makes your fingers less agile.

01:08:52.000 Well, yeah, that's the thing about us.

01:08:54.000 Webbed feet, but not webbed hands would be helpful.

01:08:55.000 Yeah, webbed feet would help.

01:08:57.000 Because our toes can't do anything.

01:08:58.000 Our toes are useless.

01:08:59.000 It would be great for swimming.

01:09:00.000 Yeah.

01:09:00.000 Like a flipper.

01:09:01.000 Yeah.

01:09:01.000 But there's something about our fingers, too.

01:09:03.000 If you think about the dexterity and the control that we have over our hands...

01:09:08.000 It's so unusual in comparison to any other animal.

01:09:11.000 And our fingers, when our fingers get all wet and wrinkly, there was this interesting study about how fingers, after being in water for two hours, could pick up more marbles than dry hands,

01:09:28.000 which kind of means that we must have needed to be in the water a lot.

01:09:33.000 Does that what it means?

01:09:34.000 Or is it just a side effect of just your fingers getting wrinkly?

01:09:37.000 Yeah, but why would they get wrinkly if it wasn't useful for something?

01:09:41.000 Or is that just...

01:09:41.000 I don't know.

01:09:43.000 Why do people get cancer?

01:09:45.000 Don't get me started on that.

01:09:47.000 Don't open that one hole.

01:09:48.000 Is there a benefit to that?

01:09:51.000 I don't know.

01:09:51.000 How many things are a benefit?

01:09:53.000 Well, we're kind of not designed to live past 30, right?

01:09:57.000 Well, we definitely didn't live past 30 a long time ago very often, but I don't know.

01:10:03.000 Does that scare you?

01:10:04.000 What?

01:10:04.000 This?

01:10:05.000 No, I like it. 1.00

01:10:05.000 I just, I'm so, I'm such a klutzy, like, I'm afraid I'm just like, and just like, slice his fucking head just in half. 1.00

01:10:13.000 Scientists think they have the answer why the skin on human fingers and toes shrivels up like an old prude when we soak in the bath. 0.98

01:10:17.000 Laboratory tests confirmed the theory that wrinkly fingers improve our grip on wet or submerged objects, working to channel away the water like a rain treads in car tires.

01:10:28.000 You know why it makes sense?

01:10:30.000 Because the rest of your skin doesn't do that.

01:10:32.000 Like if your elbows, your forearm got all wrinkly.

01:10:35.000 That's true.

01:10:35.000 So evolutionary neurobiologist and his colleagues suggest that wrinkling being an active process must have an evolutionary function.

01:10:43.000 The team also showed the pattern of wrinkling appeared to be optimized for providing a drainage network that improved grip.

01:10:49.000 Makes sense. 0.99

01:10:50.000 So maybe we were trying to get fished or some shit. 0.98

01:10:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:10:53.000 Rocks.

01:10:53.000 Well, you know, it totally makes sense.

01:10:56.000 That doesn't happen when you sweat, does it?

01:10:59.000 No. 1.00

01:10:59.000 Unless you crossfit fuckers sweating 15 hours a day. 1.00

01:11:04.000 What's your take on crossfit? 1.00

01:11:04.000 I'm sure you've talked about it a lot. 1.00

01:11:06.000 I think activity is good, right?

01:11:09.000 I think exercise is good.

01:11:11.000 And I think, you know, those people, a lot of them are very fit.

01:11:15.000 But I think that, like a lot of things, when you take...

01:11:24.000 I think?

01:11:37.000 He doesn't believe is a sport in and to itself.

01:11:40.000 He thinks it's good at getting you strong for other sports.

01:11:43.000 Now when you turn into a sport, like who can do the most clean in presses?

01:11:47.000 Who can do the most, you know, whatever, deadlifts in an hour?

01:11:52.000 He doesn't think that that's healthy.

01:11:54.000 Because, and this is, he's far more qualified than I am to answer this, so I'm using his rationale.

01:12:00.000 He thinks that powerlifting and bodybuilding movement, or powerlifting and weightlifting movements, like deadlifts or like cleans and presses, you shouldn't do them for like sets of 30 and 40 and 50 and having these competitions to see who can do the most.

01:12:16.000 He's like, it's just not beneficial.

01:12:18.000 It's not, he's of the school of thought that you should like strength, Lifting exercises or strength producing exercises should be done with low repetitions and, you know, you should take breaks in between them and it's about building the physical strength of your body.

01:12:35.000 It's not about performing them in a contest.

01:12:37.000 Now the CrossFit people, I think if I could speak for them, I think they think of it as a healthy lifestyle and that this competition is It makes them work harder, and they all work out together.

01:12:49.000 And I definitely see their point.

01:12:51.000 And if you follow CrossFit people, and it's one of the things about CrossFit people that they say, like, if someone's a CrossFit and they're a vegan, what do they talk about first?

01:13:01.000 Because, have you ever seen that?

01:13:03.000 Because...

01:13:04.000 It's like a meme.

01:13:05.000 I think it was on like a...

01:13:06.000 That is amazing.

01:13:07.000 It was like a chalkboard that was in front of a coffee shop.

01:13:11.000 Yeah.

01:13:12.000 Well, it's one of those things when you get excited about it.

01:13:14.000 Like vegans, the most proselytizing vegans when you talk to them.

01:13:17.000 Like one of the things I've found, because a lot of vegans get really upset with me because I eat meat. 0.99

01:13:21.000 But one of the things that I've found with a lot of them is that I'll go to their Instagram page after they shit on me and I say, I just found a bacon fucking sandwich that's four months old. 0.96

01:13:29.000 So it means, how long have you been a vegan? 0.99

01:13:31.000 I've been a vegan for three months.

01:13:32.000 Totally.

01:13:33.000 And these three months, it's opened my eyes up.

01:13:34.000 I found my favorite person online the other day.

01:13:37.000 He's a vegan who believes the earth is flat.

01:13:40.000 He's a flat earth vegan.

01:13:41.000 Retweet him.

01:13:42.000 Oh yeah. 0.99

01:13:43.000 The flat earth people, there is a lot of people out there that believe the fucking earth is flat. 0.97

01:13:49.000 They believe that it's all a hoax and that NASA's a hoax and that satellites aren't real. 0.97

01:13:54.000 Okay.

01:13:54.000 And that there's airplanes that are flying high, and that's where we're getting, like, direct TV from.

01:13:58.000 And then it's all a giant, vast conspiracy.

01:14:01.000 And here's my favorite part.

01:14:02.000 Gravity's not real, and that the Earth exists.

01:14:05.000 The reason why we're staying put is because of electromagnetism.

01:14:10.000 I mean, I don't even know how to respond to this.

01:14:15.000 That's what this is for.

01:14:17.000 Just beheadings.

01:14:19.000 Think of how many astronomers.

01:14:21.000 And these are the people having kids.

01:14:23.000 These people are just procreating all day with other people.

01:14:27.000 But they think all these people are in on it.

01:14:28.000 And they think that if you look at the horizon, like there's videos, there's like a video that shows like the 200 reasons why they can prove that the earth is flat. 1.00

01:14:36.000 And it's so fucking stupid, it hurts my feelings. 0.98

01:14:39.000 It really, it makes me, so maybe it's my night watch or fight or flight thing, but like when I hear that I just feel like I'm in danger. 1.00

01:14:47.000 Well you are a little. 1.00

01:14:48.000 Like it's just like stupid people make me feel unsafe. 1.00

01:14:52.000 Well, what it is, is there's a lot of religions out there. 1.00

01:14:56.000 That's true. 0.97

01:14:57.000 Religion actually serves, I understand the neurological purpose it serves, but, you know, don't be ignorant.

01:15:05.000 What I was going to say is there's religions, I mean, the word religion. 0.94

01:15:10.000 Let's ditch it.

01:15:12.000 What's the mental pathway that one follows when they adhere to an ideology?

01:15:19.000 And I think we're all guilty of it to a certain extent.

01:15:21.000 And I think there needs to be something in place that's like, don't kill people.

01:15:26.000 Yes.

01:15:26.000 Guilt and shame used to keep societies controlled and have a sense of order, right?

01:15:31.000 For sure. 0.98

01:15:31.000 Before guns and before prisons and before shit was organized, it was like, God's gonna get ya. 0.98

01:15:37.000 They had to, you know, come up with something to keep people from raping each other and murdering everyone. 0.99

01:15:42.000 Right.

01:15:43.000 And at least stopping it and don't do it again.

01:15:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:46.000 Like, you know, let's nip this shit in the bud. 1.00

01:15:49.000 Yes. 1.00

01:15:49.000 And then someone saw a business opportunity and was like, oh, I can charge for this. 1.00

01:15:53.000 Well, yeah.

01:15:54.000 I mean...

01:15:55.000 Look, there's countless examples of people creating these behavior patterns that other folks are forced to follow.

01:16:03.000 And these ideologies, you see the way people think.

01:16:08.000 And I think, to a certain extent, there's a lot of what people call the regressive left.

01:16:14.000 Like when people get mad at a white guy for wearing dreadlocks and they say this is cultural appropriation, you're taking black people's culture.

01:16:21.000 Like that sort of same thing is akin to religious people that want to force women to dress a certain way or want to force gay people to act a certain way.

01:16:32.000 There's parts of certain ideologies that literally exist because someone is trying to exert control over other people and they think they can because it's a rule.

01:16:43.000 Right, right, right. 1.00

01:16:45.000 It's a bad example that I used about the dreadlocks because it's so fucking stupid. 1.00

01:16:49.000 First of all, Vikings wore dreadlocks. 1.00

01:16:51.000 The Greeks had dreadlocks. 1.00

01:16:52.000 It's a white thing, too. 0.68

01:16:53.000 It's a dirty hair thing. 0.99

01:16:55.000 It's a skank thing. 1.00

01:16:57.000 We only had dreadlocks until the 1600s. 0.99

01:16:59.000 It's so stupid, but it's a new way that people can get upset at certain groups. 0.97

01:17:05.000 And the left, especially a lot of people get upset at that term, the regressive left, but it's a good term. 1.00

01:17:11.000 And the reason why it's a good term is because, first of all, they're attacking white gay men now for having privileges. 1.00

01:17:19.000 I've read this whole article about white gay privilege as opposed to black men and people of color who are gay, who don't get to experience the same freedom that white gay people do that live in white neighborhoods and have, you know, adopt white babies. 0.79

01:17:34.000 It's easier for them. 0.76

01:17:35.000 I mean, it's attacking this constant.

01:17:39.000 But we love I think it was you we were texting about this like people love being outraged.

01:17:43.000 Yes.

01:17:43.000 And I don't know if...

01:17:44.000 Recreational outrage.

01:17:45.000 Love it.

01:17:46.000 They love complaining.

01:17:46.000 And I think it is a form of bonding and I think it is how people connect to each other and like, you know, organize and stuff.

01:17:51.000 People love being offended.

01:17:53.000 They love being insulted.

01:17:55.000 They love...

01:17:56.000 They love racism.

01:17:57.000 Yes.

01:17:57.000 Because then they get to complain about it and be...

01:17:59.000 They get to take the more They get to be sanctimonious, and they get to be, you know, right, and it's just like...

01:18:04.000 I think that sort of thinking, I don't want to call it religion, because I think it's a pattern, and patterns in these ideologies, I think it's problematic when you label it, like, this is because of God, this is...

01:18:15.000 But it's these patterns that people force their mind into. 0.98

01:18:17.000 Well, some people force themselves into these patterns where everything is a fucking conspiracy. 0.95

01:18:23.000 And this is how you get to this, like, delusional state of mind that would allow you to think that the earth is flat. 0.99

01:18:30.000 Or that, you know, the government's run by reptilians.

01:18:34.000 But to me, intelligence is kind of someone being able to go, I think this is how it is.

01:18:40.000 Or not.

01:18:41.000 Yeah, or not.

01:18:41.000 Or not.

01:18:42.000 Not being married to your idea. 0.97

01:18:43.000 Just like, I could totally be fucking wrong.

01:18:45.000 Like, you know, I think it's just like, what is this? 0.63

01:18:50.000 All my self-esteem and identity is linked to this lie.

01:18:55.000 It's like, how sad and lonely is that person that they need to attach to some idea that...

01:19:01.000 It's just so odd to me.

01:19:03.000 I mean, I think comedians, our brains are a little...

01:19:04.000 We can go through our set and say...

01:19:09.000 Argue a point, argue against our own point, go back on...

01:19:12.000 And then someone heckles and is like, well, that's a good point.

01:19:14.000 I mean, I feel very lucky that we have brains that are able to see everybody's side.

01:19:19.000 And that's kind of what we do for a living.

01:19:22.000 But it's very shocking to me.

01:19:23.000 It seems so suffocating and isolating and weird to just be stuck on one thing.

01:19:31.000 Sure.

01:19:31.000 And it's easy to be.

01:19:33.000 It's so common.

01:19:34.000 It's obviously easy to be because it's so common.

01:19:37.000 That someone's belief system is their home, you know?

01:19:38.000 And if you think something and someone proves you wrong, you will be angry and you will defend that original idea as if it's a part of you that someone's trying to steal.

01:19:45.000 It's like, yes, why are you insulting me?

01:19:47.000 Try to take from me.

01:19:48.000 Yes, it does.

01:19:50.000 People react to it like it's stealing.

01:19:52.000 That's so interesting.

01:19:52.000 That's when you can see right away that there's an issue because people take it very personally if you don't share their belief.

01:19:59.000 The smartest people are the ones that detach from their belief systems, the fastest, like doctors and scientists.

01:20:04.000 Like, mirror neurons, it was all about mirror neurons, like a couple years ago, right?

01:20:08.000 And then they recently just debunked that theory, and scientists had to be like, whoops, we were wrong, you know?

01:20:13.000 Or that's what science is all about.

01:20:15.000 A friend of mine who's a doctor, I was like, because he's always like, oh, and then I'm at my practice.

01:20:17.000 And I was like, do you guys feel like it's weird that you call it practice?

01:20:20.000 You know, do you want to call it- Shouldn't you be good at it already?

01:20:23.000 Like, nailed it, or the game times?

01:20:25.000 Like, I'm at my game time, championship game!

01:20:28.000 And he's like, no, it's called practice because medicine is doing the best we can with what we know.

01:20:33.000 There's a lot of stuff we don't know.

01:20:34.000 Right.

01:20:35.000 You know? 0.99

01:20:35.000 And in 10 years, we're going to be looking back and we're like, I can't believe we fucking did that. 0.99

01:20:38.000 That was dangerous. 0.97

01:20:39.000 Oh, unquestionably.

01:20:40.000 You know?

01:20:40.000 That's like what medicine and science is.

01:20:43.000 Like, you're wrong. 0.99

01:20:43.000 Every five years, there's a new fucking piece of information. 0.99

01:20:46.000 Did you see the latest, this thing that I tweeted yesterday, that they've given approval to people to use stem cells to try to regenerate dead people's brains? 0.98

01:20:54.000 Love it.

01:20:55.000 What?

01:20:56.000 Excuse me? 1.00

01:20:57.000 Is this a fucking horror movie? 0.99

01:20:59.000 I mean, that's what everybody was like tweeting. 1.00

01:21:01.000 Just zombies.

01:21:01.000 This is how we make zombies.

01:21:03.000 Wait, so is it to bring people back to life or put their old brain into a new person's body?

01:21:07.000 No, I think, well, there's that too.

01:21:09.000 But they want to find out.

01:21:11.000 Here it is.

01:21:12.000 Biotech company granted ethical permission to attempt to use stem cells to reactivate the brains of the dead.

01:21:17.000 To, like, catch their killer?

01:21:19.000 Oh, no, I don't think so.

01:21:20.000 That would be crazy.

01:21:22.000 It's like, hey, who killed you?

01:21:23.000 All right, go back to sleep.

01:21:24.000 I want to know what the conversation was because they've been granted ethical permission by an institutional review board.

01:21:31.000 I didn't know there was an institutional review board.

01:21:33.000 That's not a real company.

01:21:35.000 Yeah.

01:21:35.000 In the U.S. and in India, to use 20...

01:21:38.000 Yeah, in India, they're going to take the brains of the babies they smash against the rocks. 1.00

01:21:41.000 I think they need to inject stem cells into a lot of alive people in America. 0.99

01:21:44.000 Just trying to fucking revive them. 0.98

01:21:45.000 Yeah, it's just there's a lot of... 0.99

01:21:47.000 People.

01:21:47.000 Grow them.

01:21:48.000 Dumb people. 1.00

01:21:49.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:21:50.000 Yeah.

01:21:50.000 Use 20 brain-dead patients for what is sure to be...

01:21:53.000 Oh, okay.

01:21:53.000 Oh, so they're not buried.

01:21:55.000 They're like in comas or comatose or something?

01:21:58.000 But look what they're calling it.

01:21:59.000 The re-anima project. 1.00

01:22:01.000 Oh, fucking Christ. 1.00

01:22:03.000 It sounds like enema. 1.00

01:22:04.000 What are you doing, Jamie?

01:22:05.000 The website.

01:22:05.000 This is it?

01:22:06.000 Yeah.

01:22:06.000 Oh, God.

01:22:07.000 A second chance at life.

01:22:09.000 Oh, my God.

01:22:10.000 It's Magnolia.

01:22:12.000 This is a horror movie. 0.99

01:22:12.000 It's also, by the way, the worst thing about this is it's a shitty website. 0.99

01:22:16.000 It's terrible. 0.99

01:22:16.000 I'm not going to... 0.99

01:22:17.000 Geocities.

01:22:17.000 I know.

01:22:18.000 If I had to do this on, like, a family member, I'd be like...

01:22:20.000 Someone needs to get on Squarespace.

01:22:21.000 I don't know.

01:22:23.000 Totally.

01:22:24.000 I'd be like, guys, this is like Comedy Central.

01:22:26.000 Proven scientific concept.

01:22:27.000 This is insane.

01:22:28.000 Exploring the potential of cutting-edge biomedical technology for human neuroregeneration and...

01:22:34.000 How much?

01:22:35.000 How much?

01:22:35.000 How much does it cost?

01:22:37.000 Neuroreanimation.

01:22:38.000 Neuroreanimation. 1.00

01:22:39.000 When you see Re-Animator, I think of that fucking movie. 1.00

01:22:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:42.000 The Re-Animator movie where they brought the monsters, they brought the people back to life and they were monsters. 0.99

01:22:47.000 Remember that movie?

01:22:48.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:22:48.000 Re-Animator.

01:22:49.000 It's like some mad scientist movie from the 80s.

01:22:53.000 Hold on.

01:22:54.000 Is it a private thing?

01:22:55.000 Like if I'm like, I want to reanimate.

01:22:57.000 I want to invest.

01:22:57.000 Yeah.

01:22:58.000 Totally.

01:22:59.000 I know that's all you're doing right now.

01:23:01.000 I feel like you probably have some fighter friends who could use this.

01:23:03.000 Oh, I know some.

01:23:04.000 Yeah.

01:23:04.000 We both do.

01:23:05.000 I have a couple in my phone. 1.00

01:23:06.000 Yeah, we can fucking inject some shit in there and fix some stuff. 1.00

01:23:09.000 Brian Callen. 1.00

01:23:09.000 Well, Brian has never even been hit. 1.00

01:23:11.000 He doesn't even have any real excuses.

01:23:12.000 I'm sure his wife's hit him a couple times.

01:23:14.000 I'm sure.

01:23:15.000 Well, he likes to box lately.

01:23:18.000 Brian's into boxing.

01:23:19.000 Boxing is way worse for you, isn't it?

01:23:21.000 Well, it's all bad for you. 1.00

01:23:23.000 Fucking soccer gives you brain damage. 1.00

01:23:25.000 Your head's not supposed to get jostled around too much. 1.00

01:23:28.000 It goes every direction except...

01:23:31.000 Yeah.

01:23:32.000 Right.

01:23:32.000 Except down.

01:23:33.000 Well, I have a buddy of mine who's a professor who's 49 or 50 and he kickboxes.

01:23:38.000 He spars.

01:23:39.000 And I'm like, but you know, you understand this.

01:23:42.000 Yeah.

01:23:42.000 Like, you're into this.

01:23:43.000 Yeah.

01:23:44.000 You know, he's a history professor.

01:23:45.000 Yeah.

01:23:46.000 I'm like, you understand that this is dangerous for your brain, but you get so much enjoyment out of the thrill of being primal.

01:23:52.000 Yeah.

01:23:52.000 And actually being in there sparring.

01:23:54.000 Let me ask you a question.

01:23:56.000 We didn't talk about this last time.

01:23:58.000 That Calcio Storico thing in Italy.

01:24:02.000 Yes.

01:24:03.000 A bare knuckle football with bare knuckle boxing.

01:24:05.000 Insane.

01:24:06.000 Insane.

01:24:06.000 I didn't even know about that until you sent it to me.

01:24:08.000 That's right.

01:24:08.000 I was trying to make that documentary.

01:24:09.000 Yes.

01:24:10.000 And Pete Berg, I think, ended up making it anyway, but we were just broken up.

01:24:14.000 I'm like, why am I making a documentary with my ex-boyfriend?

01:24:17.000 This is really self-abusive.

01:24:19.000 But it's apparently the month that it happens, violence in the area goes down.

01:24:25.000 Of course.

01:24:26.000 Yeah.

01:24:26.000 So there's something interesting about these guys who want to go spar.

01:24:29.000 Maybe they're sexually harassing less women at work. 0.71

01:24:32.000 Maybe they're having less bar fights.

01:24:35.000 This is Calcio Storco.

01:24:36.000 So it was invented in the 1600s to entertain kings.

01:24:39.000 It was stopped because so many people were dying.

01:24:41.000 And then in, I want to say, 1916, they brought it back.

01:24:44.000 They keep it low profile because so many people get concussions and sick.

01:24:48.000 So they're just group kickboxing.

01:24:50.000 It's like I think 20 on 20. The only rule is no two on one.

01:24:54.000 These are grown men.

01:24:55.000 These are not young like athletes.

01:24:58.000 They're not professional athletes. 0.96

01:24:59.000 They're butchers. 0.98

01:25:00.000 They're lawyers.

01:25:01.000 They're whatever.

01:25:01.000 They just exchange partners.

01:25:02.000 Like guys just moved and a new guy moved in.

01:25:04.000 They just touched hands.

01:25:06.000 Like one guy was duking it out with a guy and for some reason they changed.

01:25:09.000 This is bare knuckle.

01:25:10.000 Yeah.

01:25:11.000 It's also by region.

01:25:13.000 So it's like neighborhoods against neighborhoods.

01:25:16.000 So a lot of it's like fathers against sons, brothers against brothers.

01:25:18.000 They changed teammates.

01:25:20.000 Like two guys were fighting and then another guy steps in and takes the place. 1.00

01:25:25.000 First of all, these guys have dog shit skills. 1.00

01:25:29.000 And another guy just stepped in. 1.00

01:25:31.000 These are professional athletes.

01:25:32.000 These are literally guys that have other jobs. 0.99

01:25:35.000 Once a year, they just agree to fucking just fight each other. 1.00

01:25:39.000 To suck at fighting. 1.00

01:25:39.000 It gets pretty brutal. 1.00

01:25:40.000 Which one is this?

01:25:41.000 What number of minute are you in?

01:25:44.000 Do you have a ball, too?

01:25:45.000 What's with the ball?

01:25:46.000 Here's what you should see.

01:25:46.000 The goal is to get the ball into the other side, but when you...

01:25:52.000 Dog shit skills is so funny. 0.99

01:25:54.000 I'm still laughing at that. 1.00

01:25:55.000 When the person scores, they get hit so hard that no one wants to score.

01:26:02.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:26:03.000 Everyone's like, no, you do it, you do it.

01:26:05.000 Because as soon as you score, people just pummel you.

01:26:08.000 And then you see these guys in the corners with stretchers.

01:26:11.000 They just carry people off the field the entire time.

01:26:13.000 So this guy's holding this guy down.

01:26:14.000 So you could grapple too?

01:26:16.000 Yes.

01:26:16.000 The only rule, you can bite, you can kick in the ball.

01:26:19.000 You can bite? 0.77

01:26:20.000 You can do anything.

01:26:20.000 You can bite?

01:26:21.000 The only thing you can't do is two on one.

01:26:23.000 That's the only rule.

01:26:25.000 You can bite? 0.77

01:26:26.000 The only rule is no two on one. 1.00

01:26:28.000 You can kick in the balls? 0.99

01:26:29.000 I'm sure. 0.99

01:26:30.000 I mean, maybe that's like a gentleman's...

01:26:32.000 See, like, these two guys are the only two guys that are humping.

01:26:34.000 Look at these two guys. 0.98

01:26:35.000 This guy's got this guy's back, and there's a lot of people fucking lollygagging and strolling around. 0.98

01:26:40.000 A lot of cherry pickers. 0.98

01:26:41.000 I'd be pissed. 1.00

01:26:43.000 I'd be like, you fucking pussies, get in here. 1.00

01:26:45.000 Well, because I think they get out there, and they're like, what the fuck am I doing? 1.00

01:26:46.000 I have a family. 0.99

01:26:47.000 Listen, let's knock these guys out one at a time. 1.00

01:26:49.000 What the fuck are we doing here? 0.99

01:26:51.000 Oh, look at that guy. 1.00

01:26:52.000 Oh, someone got smacked.

01:26:54.000 Yeah.

01:26:54.000 So he goes down.

01:26:55.000 So he's got the ball.

01:26:57.000 He went down, then another guy took his place instantly.

01:26:59.000 This guy's just sort of avoiding the whole thing. 1.00

01:27:02.000 Yeah, this bald guy looks gay as fuck. 1.00

01:27:05.000 See, this guy gets knocked down. 1.00

01:27:07.000 But look, as soon as he gets knocked down, another guy steps in and fights the guy that he was fighting before he got knocked down. 1.00

01:27:14.000 Oh, what a bizarre, stupid sport. 1.00

01:27:16.000 So then it turns into just a melee of madness. 1.00

01:27:19.000 And it's actually interesting to watch the clusters happen, like the energy going into one place. 0.89

01:27:25.000 Whoa, only one black guy?

01:27:26.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00

01:27:27.000 That's why it's so fucking clumsy. 0.98

01:27:28.000 That's why it's so boring! 0.99

01:27:35.000 That's why nobody watches it.

01:27:36.000 And these are regular guys.

01:27:38.000 They're not professional athletes.

01:27:39.000 These are not professional athletes.

01:27:40.000 They train for it.

01:27:41.000 It's almost like a...

01:27:42.000 What's that thing?

01:27:43.000 The Ironman?

01:27:44.000 It's like a voluntary thing that they do.

01:27:46.000 It's tradition.

01:27:47.000 You do it if your dad did it.

01:27:49.000 Oh, God.

01:27:49.000 Yeah.

01:27:50.000 So stupid. 1.00

01:27:51.000 It's so ridiculous. 1.00

01:27:54.000 But there's a lot of tradition in it and see everyone wears like Joker uniforms or what is that? 0.98

01:28:00.000 These two guys that are humping.

01:28:01.000 This still is bothering me.

01:28:03.000 This guy's got this guy's back but he's not doing anything.

01:28:06.000 By the way, you should go out there one year and do the commentary.

01:28:10.000 I'd be so angry. 0.78

01:28:12.000 You're like, where are all the black people? 0.99

01:28:13.000 I'd be so angry. 1.00

01:28:13.000 This guy's fucking gay. 1.00

01:28:14.000 I see two more black guys. 1.00

01:28:16.000 I'm getting happy now.

01:28:17.000 They just took him off the bench.

01:28:18.000 Three.

01:28:18.000 There's another.

01:28:19.000 He might be just a Sicilian.

01:28:20.000 This guy's annoying. 1.00

01:28:21.000 You've got dog shit skills. 1.00

01:28:23.000 Well, it just seems like a few of these guys are okay. 1.00

01:28:26.000 So this is the team pulling people off.

01:28:26.000 They've got a little bit going on.

01:28:28.000 See the yellow guys in yellow? 0.99

01:28:30.000 That's when people get fucked up. 0.99

01:28:31.000 Yeah, they just get taken off the field. 0.99

01:28:33.000 Yeah.

01:28:33.000 And then they have to play, I think it's two 20-minute quarters, and then...

01:28:37.000 The winners have to play again the next day, three days in a row.

01:28:42.000 The championship is four days later, and the winning team, their prize is a cow.

01:28:49.000 They get a cow? 1.00

01:28:50.000 They get a cow.

01:28:51.000 A cow?

01:28:51.000 You don't get money, you don't get endorsement.

01:28:53.000 The thing I like about it, that attracted me to it, there's no endorsement deals, nothing's being promoted, it's just people that want to fucking fight each other. 0.82

01:29:03.000 What I don't understand is, where's the leg kicks? 0.87

01:29:05.000 Do you guys not understand about leg kicks?

01:29:07.000 They're Italian.

01:29:08.000 Yeah, but there's a few kicks being thrown, but no one's throwing any leg kicks.

01:29:12.000 They're standing right in front of each other, but there's no takedowns.

01:29:15.000 There's no takedown attempts. 0.66

01:29:16.000 It's just shitty boxing with the occasional kick.

01:29:20.000 It's basically just like a giant street fight. 0.91

01:29:23.000 Right, but these guys have a little bit of skill.

01:29:25.000 Like, I'm looking at the way these, a lot of the, like, see, here's a takedown.

01:29:28.000 Look at this.

01:29:28.000 But nothing happens.

01:29:29.000 So you can take a guy down.

01:29:31.000 But look at the way these guys are, like, standing in front of each other.

01:29:33.000 Like, juking.

01:29:34.000 I think they probably get out there and, like, are like, wait, what am I doing?

01:29:37.000 Let's just, like, pace around and see if we can just get through this 40 minutes without.

01:29:42.000 It's so weird because they just exchange partners.

01:29:44.000 They move back and forth.

01:29:45.000 Like, they square off and then they decide, I don't want to fight you.

01:29:49.000 I'm going to fight your friend.

01:29:50.000 Well, it's so interesting because think about it.

01:29:51.000 It's like these are not trained guys, but it's like if you put 20 people fighting, there's no pressure to do it right away.

01:29:57.000 It's like when do you decide it's time to take you down?

01:30:01.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:30:02.000 This is really weird.

01:30:04.000 Okay, is this guy about to score? 0.87

01:30:05.000 Is the guy with the balls going to go through? 0.87

01:30:06.000 He's got to get through, yeah. 1.00

01:30:07.000 And then they're just talking shit. 1.00

01:30:09.000 I like that. 1.00

01:30:09.000 Oh my gosh. 1.00

01:30:10.000 See, look at that kick.

01:30:12.000 Does no one know how to kick?

01:30:14.000 No.

01:30:15.000 I think most people, unless they're in Thailand, probably don't.

01:30:18.000 Pfft! 0.63

01:30:20.000 I went and saw those fights in Thailand.

01:30:23.000 I can't watch this. 0.99

01:30:23.000 Shut this up. 0.99

01:30:23.000 This is horrible. 0.99

01:30:24.000 I can't watch.

01:30:24.000 I had to watch those.

01:30:25.000 But the point is- I'm a purist.

01:30:27.000 There's less violence, so maybe your friend who is getting brain damage at his gym who has no business- Brian Cowan?

01:30:34.000 Oh, well, Brian, if Brian didn't get boxed, I would be terrified at the things he was doing in this city.

01:30:41.000 I think he needs to be in a gym getting punched in the face a couple hours a day. 0.50

01:30:44.000 It's good.

01:30:44.000 So I think the people at CrossFit, no, I mean, I'm not negative about CrossFit, but the kind of people who have to get that energy out, I worry where that energy would go if they weren't getting it out in competing or fighting or boxing or whatever.

01:30:56.000 That's valid.

01:30:57.000 I think people feel better for sure when they have that sort of a release.

01:31:00.000 And I think there's a cathartic release in any sort of like severe exertion.

01:31:06.000 But I think you can get the same cathartic release from yoga.

01:31:08.000 I really do.

01:31:09.000 I really do.

01:31:10.000 I mean, it's not as viscerally exciting.

01:31:12.000 And for a man, it's not as satisfying. 0.54

01:31:14.000 Well, it's not as much adrenaline.

01:31:15.000 It doesn't give you the confidence.

01:31:17.000 Like, jujitsu is my favorite because jujitsu, you can go full blast.

01:31:21.000 And you get injured for sure, but it's not the same kind of injuries that you get usually from, like, kickboxing and stuff.

01:31:27.000 Like, kickboxing, sparring, to me, is the most problematic because I've seen how hard some people can kick.

01:31:33.000 And I just know that if you zig when you should have zagged and someone decides to kick you hard and that... 0.99

01:31:38.000 Fucking chin bounces off your head. 1.00

01:31:40.000 No. 1.00

01:31:40.000 I just know what can be done. 1.00

01:31:42.000 I've seen too much.

01:31:43.000 So like when I see that, I'm like, you are, you're BMS, BMX jumping with no helmet.

01:31:48.000 Okay?

01:31:49.000 Hopefully you're going to land.

01:31:50.000 Well, it's the thing with the jungle gym.

01:31:51.000 It's just, it's not about if, it's about when.

01:31:53.000 Yeah.

01:31:54.000 Well, especially kickboxing.

01:31:55.000 Kickboxing to me is, like, I feel like even boxing is more, as long as you're sparring with people who you know are not going to hit you hard, at least you've got a little bit more control of this situation.

01:32:06.000 Yeah.

01:32:06.000 I mean, I don't know.

01:32:07.000 It really was profound to me when you said that you have to fall to know...

01:32:13.000 Not your limitations, but you don't know how far...

01:32:15.000 The ramifications.

01:32:16.000 You have to understand.

01:32:17.000 When I broke my shoulder, it changed my life.

01:32:21.000 It was actually something that needed to happen because I pushed myself way too hard.

01:32:25.000 I had no respect for my body.

01:32:28.000 I just routinely abused it in so many ways.

01:32:31.000 The people I surrounded myself with, the things I ate, the way that I lived, I didn't sleep, and it was like I needed to be proven the fragility of my body.

01:32:40.000 Yeah, vulnerability.

01:32:41.000 Yeah, totally.

01:32:42.000 And being able to go, you know what?

01:32:44.000 No, I don't think so.

01:32:44.000 I think I'm going to try to think more than two hours ahead right now and not do that dangerous thing.

01:32:50.000 Well, think about your body as if there's this long-term thing.

01:32:54.000 And people have given me a hard time about that, too.

01:32:56.000 Especially lifting weights. 1.00

01:32:58.000 I'm going to wonder why your body's so fucked up. 0.99

01:33:00.000 Because I'll put a video on Instagram of me working out with my trainer. 0.99

01:33:03.000 But the only way you can keep your body from getting...

01:33:07.000 And this sounds so counterintuitive.

01:33:08.000 The only way...

01:33:10.000 That you can prevent certain injuries is by making your body strong.

01:33:14.000 Of course.

01:33:14.000 The only way you can make your body strong is you got to lift heavy things.

01:33:17.000 I'm also...

01:33:18.000 Do you have any interest in hypermobility?

01:33:23.000 Yes.

01:33:24.000 So I was hypermobile, which I didn't know, which means I lift things, everything from a weight to a coffee cup with my joints, not my muscles.

01:33:31.000 Oh, no, I didn't know the term wrong.

01:33:34.000 No, maybe I am too. 0.99

01:33:36.000 So Western European trash, which is I am, basically just like alcoholics with joint problems. 0.99

01:33:41.000 A lot of Western European genetics means you're hypermobile. 0.99

01:33:45.000 So you're picking things up, putting a lot of strain on your joints instead of using your whole body?

01:33:51.000 Yes, joints.

01:33:51.000 So when I pick something up, it's my knees and my hips and my lower back instead of my thigh muscles and my glutes.

01:33:58.000 Well, that's one of the best things about kettlebell training, in my opinion, is that they're so awkward that it forces you to understand how to use your body as a unit.

01:34:05.000 There's a lot of people that do bodybuilding-type workouts and the isolation exercises, although they make your muscles bigger, they don't allow your body to synchronize and use itself as one individual unit.

01:34:18.000 Interesting.

01:34:18.000 And that's how you get non-collision injuries.

01:34:20.000 Like when you hear about people who are 50 and they're like, I sneezed and threw my back out. 1.00

01:34:24.000 That's because they've been putting like, you know, pressure on their joints instead of their muscles for the longest time. 0.98

01:34:29.000 And I didn't have an ass. 0.99

01:34:30.000 Like I never used my glutes just walking around and walking upstairs and picking things up and whatever. 0.99

01:34:36.000 And then I had to, like, relearn how to, like, walk and shit. 0.98

01:34:40.000 I had to go to this, like, fucking Pilates thing. 0.99

01:34:43.000 What? 0.99

01:34:43.000 How old were you? 0.99

01:34:44.000 It was so fucking boring. 0.96

01:34:45.000 This was, like, three years ago. 1.00

01:34:47.000 It was a fucking nightmare. 0.99

01:34:50.000 Somebody's talking to you. 1.00

01:34:51.000 Whitney, you don't know how to walk.

01:34:53.000 You need to relearn how to walk.

01:34:56.000 And you're like sitting in bed, you can't sleep. 1.00

01:34:57.000 Fuck, I need to learn how to walk. 1.00

01:34:58.000 I'm gonna do a documentary on how to walk. 1.00

01:35:00.000 I'm gonna write a book on how to walk.

01:35:01.000 I'm gonna learn how to walk. 0.84

01:35:02.000 I'm gonna get fucking awesome at learning how to walk. 0.90

01:35:05.000 I'm gonna teach people how to walk. 0.71

01:35:06.000 That's what I'm gonna do.

01:35:07.000 I'm gonna go to China and I'm gonna teach kids how to walk. 1.00

01:35:08.000 Shut up! 1.00

01:35:10.000 By the way, that's my schedule for tomorrow. 1.00

01:35:12.000 That's how you do.

01:35:13.000 Thanks for reminding me.

01:35:14.000 I mean, you're one of those people, like, when you call me, I'm going to say, I'm doing a documentary on violence.

01:35:17.000 Well, when someone tells you you don't know how to walk, it's very alarming. 1.00

01:35:19.000 Well, that's fucking horse shit. 1.00

01:35:20.000 You walked over to them and they lied to you. 1.00

01:35:22.000 I know.

01:35:25.000 You don't know what it's like to be a woman. 1.00

01:35:26.000 We believe lies.

01:35:28.000 I don't know what it is.

01:35:29.000 Guys believe lies, too. 1.00

01:35:31.000 We're all full of shit. 1.00

01:35:33.000 Yeah, the world's flat. 1.00

01:35:34.000 Your dick is huge. 1.00

01:35:35.000 There's a lot of lies going around. 1.00

01:35:36.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:35:37.000 But someone telling you you don't know how to walk.

01:35:38.000 Well, you know what?

01:35:38.000 I know my favorite.

01:35:39.000 I was in a writer's room once, and I was thinking of this story where these characters were going to have sex, but then they didn't.

01:35:46.000 And I was like, oh, I have an idea.

01:35:47.000 What if the guy is allergic to spermicide?

01:35:50.000 And everyone was like, huh?

01:35:51.000 And I was like, you know how some guys are allergic to spermicide, so they can't use condoms?

01:35:55.000 And everybody looked at you like, what?

01:35:57.000 And I was like, yeah, it's like half of the guys I've dated can't use condoms.

01:36:02.000 I was like, they can't use condoms because they're so allergic to it.

01:36:05.000 Oh, that's so hilarious. 1.00

01:36:05.000 They were like, you are the dumbest. 1.00

01:36:09.000 I was literally like, as I was saying it, I was like, oh wow. 1.00

01:36:13.000 Well, I believe that some women are allergic to spermicide. 1.00

01:36:17.000 Not only that, but I've heard that some women are actually allergic to different partner sperm. 1.00

01:36:23.000 Interesting!

01:36:23.000 Yeah, I think that's true.

01:36:25.000 Please Google that, Jamie.

01:36:26.000 I'm allergic to sperm fertilizing my eggs.

01:36:28.000 Well, what about the frozen eggs?

01:36:30.000 Do you feel like a connection to them?

01:36:31.000 They're in a cooler somewhere. 0.98

01:36:33.000 Now, my frozen eggs are fucking living an amazing life in Hermosa Beach. 0.99

01:36:38.000 They have a great view. 0.99

01:36:39.000 And a vault.

01:36:40.000 How do they keep them cold?

01:36:41.000 I guess it's cryo-freeze.

01:36:44.000 I should probably just keep them down.

01:36:45.000 What if the power goes out?

01:36:46.000 I think about that all the time.

01:36:48.000 If the grid goes down.

01:36:49.000 Is that one of those things in the middle of the night?

01:36:50.000 I love that.

01:36:50.000 No, they explain to me the generators and all this stuff.

01:36:53.000 All I ever think about is when I'm in hospital is what if the fucking power goes out. 0.95

01:36:56.000 How old are you now? 0.99

01:36:57.000 33. And how many eggs did you store away?

01:36:59.000 18. Your eggs are still good.

01:37:01.000 Yeah, they're really good.

01:37:02.000 You're good for like another six years.

01:37:03.000 I am so good. 0.56

01:37:05.000 A semen allergy ruined my marriage. 1.00

01:37:07.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:37:08.000 14 months after we were married, I was diagnosed with human seminal plasma hypersensitivity, an allergy to semen. 1.00

01:37:15.000 Oh my god.

01:37:17.000 I met Simon at a girlfriend's wedding.

01:37:19.000 Name changed to predict identity.

01:37:21.000 The faithful date changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined.

01:37:24.000 So I wonder if she's like allergic to some dude's loads.

01:37:28.000 And not everyone's loads? 1.00

01:37:30.000 Is the allergy happening in her vagina? 1.00

01:37:33.000 That's a good question. 1.00

01:37:33.000 Or in her eyes? 1.00

01:37:34.000 That's a good question. 0.98

01:37:35.000 Just the fact that someone's allergic to cum is strange.

01:37:38.000 Yeah, but I just am curious where. 0.94

01:37:39.000 Like, is her throat good itchy?

01:37:40.000 Well, I wonder what allergies guys have. 1.00

01:37:43.000 Are some guys allergic to eating pussy? 0.99

01:37:45.000 Okay, sperm allergy, sometimes semen allergy, seminal plasma, hypersensitivity is a rare allergic reaction to proteins found in a man's semen. 1.00

01:37:52.000 Mostly affects women. 0.91

01:37:53.000 Burging sensation in the vaginal area. 0.57

01:37:55.000 Oh, that's not good.

01:37:57.000 Pain, itching, and a burning sensation of vaginal area. 0.99

01:38:00.000 Oh, that's awful.

01:38:01.000 Yeah, that sounds not good.

01:38:02.000 Oh, that's a bummer.

01:38:03.000 Mostly affects women. 0.91

01:38:04.000 Why?

01:38:04.000 Because mostly women catch loads, yo.

01:38:06.000 I wonder, yo!

01:38:08.000 Am I right?

01:38:09.000 Let me ask you something.

01:38:10.000 Well, I'm always like, what's the evolutionary purpose of something?

01:38:12.000 I mean, there's got to be an evolutionary purpose to every allergy.

01:38:15.000 Is it?

01:38:15.000 Or is it just to, like, eliminate people?

01:38:17.000 Well, that's what I'm saying. 0.96

01:38:18.000 Maybe evolution doesn't want this woman to procreate. 1.00

01:38:21.000 Maybe she has shit genetics. 1.00

01:38:22.000 But evolution doesn't really work that way. 1.00

01:38:23.000 It's random mutations and adaptations to environmental changes.

01:38:28.000 Yeah, but what if this...

01:38:30.000 Yeah, hold on.

01:38:33.000 They don't prove beneficial.

01:38:35.000 But like, so for example, right?

01:38:36.000 So pheromones, if your pheromones smell good, that means we should procreate, right?

01:38:40.000 If they smell bad, it means we're probably related somehow.

01:38:42.000 That's when... 1.00

01:38:44.000 So, to have a vagina flare up when sperm goes in it, is that nature's way of being like, this woman has garbage genetics? 1.00

01:38:52.000 Maybe that dude has weak loads. 1.00

01:38:54.000 Maybe if a man has some, like, fucking stout loads, he would get in there and your vagina would be like, I'll take this. 1.00

01:39:00.000 This is good. 1.00

01:39:01.000 Hey, girl. 0.99

01:39:02.000 Yeah, maybe it's just bad loads.

01:39:05.000 That's your area.

01:39:07.000 I don't know.

01:39:07.000 I'm gonna not chime in.

01:39:08.000 Who was it that was on the podcast?

01:39:09.000 Was it Chris Ryan that was explaining about stout loads?

01:39:15.000 That's gonna be my new podcast.

01:39:16.000 Forward by Brian Callen.

01:39:17.000 We're just gonna talk about loads for three hours, twice a week.

01:39:20.000 Yeah.

01:39:21.000 I'm really interested in loads.

01:39:23.000 Yeah, we should be. 0.96

01:39:24.000 I have to do my first sex scene. 0.99

01:39:27.000 An actual sex scene? 1.00

01:39:28.000 An actual sex scene. 0.99

01:39:29.000 Next week, yeah.

01:39:30.000 Uh-oh. 1.00

01:39:31.000 And literally, there's so much time and energy has gone into where does his dick go? 1.00

01:39:35.000 Where does everything go? 0.99

01:39:38.000 Is it for a TV show or a movie?

01:39:40.000 Yeah, it's for a show.

01:39:41.000 Okay, so it's going to be a lot of people on the set.

01:39:43.000 Yeah, I mean, they'll probably minimize unnecessary people that day. 0.99

01:39:48.000 I had a dude who I was friends with who did a sex scene with a girl, and they're making out, and she goes, if you want, you can go ahead and fuck me. 1.00

01:39:56.000 And he was like, nope. 1.00

01:39:59.000 It was like, the moment you said that, the type of girl that says, you can fuck me in a B-movie. 1.00

01:40:05.000 It wasn't even a B-movie, you know? 1.00

01:40:07.000 It was like some no-name nonsense production, and they were making out, and she just said, you can go ahead and fuck me. 0.99

01:40:13.000 He likes him to say no more. 1.00

01:40:15.000 That's more of a turn-on to him. 1.00

01:40:17.000 You can't fuck me, please. 1.00

01:40:19.000 Well, I bet he's probably terrified of not being able to get it up in front of all those people as well. 1.00

01:40:24.000 Well, yeah, that's... 0.85

01:40:25.000 I mean, we were kind of trying to figure it out because we're like, okay, there's going to be an erection. 0.56

01:40:30.000 Do we just keep...

01:40:31.000 Might not be. 0.80

01:40:31.000 You say there's going to be, but there might not be an erection. 0.80

01:40:34.000 If there's not one... 0.98

01:40:35.000 You'll be super upset.

01:40:36.000 I will cry.

01:40:38.000 I will be crying so hysterically that he will get one because guys are into that.

01:40:42.000 They're into crying?

01:40:43.000 Yeah.

01:40:44.000 I did an episode with Chris about this one time. 0.84

01:40:48.000 I was crying and the guy I was crying to got an erection and I was like, red flag! 0.99

01:40:54.000 You like weak with sad women. 1.00

01:40:57.000 Well, there are some people that have a hard time with someone who is not insecure if they're insecure. 0.99

01:41:04.000 So if they're insecure and the woman is confident, they panic and then they could have a problem getting an erection.

01:41:10.000 But if the woman all of a sudden needs comforting and she's insecure, then they assume this position of power. 0.57

01:41:17.000 Oh yeah, interesting.

01:41:18.000 So I should be really insecure.

01:41:20.000 I will be anyway.

01:41:22.000 Well, I don't know.

01:41:23.000 I was thinking about this the other day. 0.98

01:41:26.000 There's two voices that are just absolute bullshit that just don't work, but we know them as archetypes. 0.99

01:41:35.000 And one of them is like the spooky voice. 0.99

01:41:38.000 No one's scared of the spooky voice.

01:41:41.000 And then the sexy girl.

01:41:44.000 Call 1-800. 1.00

01:41:46.000 Suck my... 1.00

01:41:47.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:41:48.000 Like that fucking voice. 1.00

01:41:50.000 Please guys don't ever suck on anyone's pussy. 1.00

01:41:52.000 Suck it. 1.00

01:41:52.000 I like it. 1.00

01:41:53.000 Everyone's different.

01:41:54.000 But you know what I'm saying?

01:41:56.000 It's like, you know, hey boys, what are you doing alone right now?

01:42:00.000 That doesn't work on anybody.

01:42:02.000 I think that's so men can do it. 0.99

01:42:05.000 So that men can pretend to be women. 0.85

01:42:07.000 I mean, like, I don't know any women who are like, hey.

01:42:09.000 But you know what I mean?

01:42:10.000 Have you ever seen those commercials?

01:42:11.000 Those late night, you know, like, phone call commercials?

01:42:13.000 I think it's this, but the kind of men who call late night commercials at 2 a.m.

01:42:18.000 are not guys like you.

01:42:19.000 They're guys who probably are more susceptible, who are beta males, who need someone even more beta than them.

01:42:24.000 So maybe that's why they have to be like, call 921. But it's the naughty girl voice. 0.98

01:42:30.000 Do you want to call Ashley Madison?

01:42:33.000 Come on.

01:42:34.000 Yeah, it's like, why are you whispering?

01:42:36.000 Don't you want to be naughty?

01:42:37.000 Well, maybe it's because they know that the wife's in the next room. 0.87

01:42:39.000 You're a bad boy. 1.00

01:42:41.000 Ew, that's so fucking creepy. 1.00

01:42:44.000 You are bad. 1.00

01:42:45.000 Yeah.

01:42:45.000 It's so scary.

01:42:46.000 I know.

01:42:47.000 Well, I sound like Fran Drescher. 1.00

01:42:48.000 I'm like, hey, just call fucking 999, suck my pussy already. 1.00

01:42:51.000 Guys, that's not sexy. 1.00

01:42:54.000 999, suck my pussy. 1.00

01:42:55.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

01:42:56.000 Why haven't you called me? 1.00

01:42:58.000 There's like other archetypes, right?

01:42:59.000 Like the strip club DJ voice, the top 40 DJ voice.

01:43:03.000 Those are archetypes.

01:43:04.000 Casey Kasem.

01:43:04.000 The politician voice.

01:43:05.000 That's an archetype.

01:43:06.000 Yeah.

01:43:06.000 The annoying wife voice.

01:43:09.000 Yes.

01:43:09.000 Voice?

01:43:10.000 Sure.

01:43:10.000 I find myself, and I've stopped doing this because I realize I'm exacerbating the problem.

01:43:14.000 I get very triggered and annoyed by stereotypes. 0.96

01:43:17.000 Like, the stereotype that guys are dumb really annoys me. 1.00

01:43:20.000 Most guys are dumb, though. 1.00

01:43:21.000 I don't think guys are dumb. 1.00

01:43:22.000 Most people are dumb. 1.00

01:43:24.000 Most people are dumb. 1.00

01:43:25.000 I just mean in terms of, why didn't you remember my friend Audrey's name? 1.00

01:43:28.000 You've met her three times.

01:43:29.000 Guys are only designed to remember things if there's some kind of threat attached to it.

01:43:42.000 You break down everything to some primitive tribe that is worried about an invasion. 0.98

01:43:47.000 Always.

01:43:48.000 Don't you think that people find things memorable because they're interesting and they're fascinating?

01:43:53.000 Yes, but- That are totally unthreatening.

01:43:55.000 But is Audrey interesting or fascinating to you?

01:43:57.000 I don't know, Audrey, so maybe she is. 0.99

01:43:59.000 Maybe she's cool as fuck. 0.97

01:44:00.000 Yeah, maybe Dr. Audrey PhD, but I just mean like some benign friend of your girl or whatever. 0.98

01:44:08.000 And then, because it's also, that's something that I love about Like, if you're fixing something, I want you to only be focusing on that.

01:44:16.000 Guys don't multitask in the same way, you know?

01:44:19.000 I just think that calling guys dumb, it's just as glorifying, like, a neurotic, multitasking, you know, overworked or glorification of busy type that's the new thing. 0.76

01:44:29.000 Guys that are just, like, simple, you know, I just... 0.85

01:44:31.000 People are so varied though.

01:44:33.000 I'm really more hesitant to generalize the older I get.

01:44:37.000 Yeah, me too. 1.00

01:44:38.000 Women are crazy, men are stupid. 1.00

01:44:41.000 That thing is just to me so general. 1.00

01:44:45.000 It's generalization that I think is really not helpful.

01:44:49.000 Yeah.

01:44:50.000 At all.

01:44:50.000 And annoying.

01:44:51.000 Well, it makes people comfort.

01:44:54.000 It gives them comfort.

01:44:55.000 It makes you feel safe.

01:44:55.000 To sort of classify people.

01:44:57.000 Totally.

01:44:57.000 Like, you don't have to, like, look at it.

01:44:59.000 Oh, what happened with Debbie? 1.00

01:45:00.000 She's a crazy bitch. 1.00

01:45:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:01.000 You know, it's like, it's easy to say she's a crazy bitch instead of say, well, I was raised kind of fucked up and I really don't have intimacy. 1.00

01:45:07.000 Yes, and I get triggered by women like her and she wasn't heard as a child. 0.99

01:45:11.000 And plus I'm insecure and she's a little stronger than I like.

01:45:13.000 I was molested and it's just, it's, yeah.

01:45:14.000 I like to be the dominant one.

01:45:15.000 She's smarter than me and it doesn't work out.

01:45:17.000 No one has time for that.

01:45:17.000 Yeah, that's too much work.

01:45:18.000 But wait, why did we get on that topic?

01:45:20.000 I don't know.

01:45:21.000 Oh, the beta males.

01:45:22.000 Loads.

01:45:23.000 Hot loads.

01:45:24.000 Coming in hot loads.

01:45:25.000 No, it's something about the beta males.

01:45:27.000 Oh, and the archetypes.

01:45:29.000 Yeah.

01:45:30.000 Oh, this is it.

01:45:31.000 I found in my stand-up, I'd be like, and then my boyfriend was like, what are you doing?

01:45:34.000 And I'm like, guys don't sound like that.

01:45:36.000 What am I doing?

01:45:38.000 But it's funny.

01:45:41.000 You know what?

01:45:42.000 Point taken?

01:45:42.000 Never mind.

01:45:43.000 I'm going back to it.

01:45:44.000 Sometimes I'll put a girl on my act and I'll be like, Oh my god! 0.99

01:45:48.000 Is that what you bought?

01:45:50.000 Oh my god!

01:45:52.000 Is that what you think I'm here for?

01:45:55.000 I know that girl exists somewhere, but I don't know anybody like that.

01:46:01.000 It's Whitney!

01:46:03.000 I don't know!

01:46:05.000 I just feel like we're a primal species under attack.

01:46:09.000 I don't know how to walk!

01:46:12.000 I don't.

01:46:14.000 I'm walking wrong.

01:46:15.000 I pick things up with my joints.

01:46:18.000 You guys, one day I'm going to sneeze and my back's just going to break in half.

01:46:23.000 I found an extra bone in my forearm. 0.99

01:46:26.000 Oh my god, I'm allergic to that semen. 0.94

01:46:28.000 Get it away from me. 1.00

01:46:30.000 Ew, disgusting. 0.72

01:46:32.000 Get it away from my frozen eggs.

01:46:36.000 Or please freeze them with my eggs. 0.94

01:46:38.000 I need sperm. 1.00

01:46:39.000 Yeah, freeze it alongside, just in case you can combine it. 0.99

01:46:41.000 Is that all you need, is cum and eggs?

01:46:43.000 Ideally, you want to freeze an embryo, which means the sperm fertilized. 1.00

01:46:48.000 I say, hey, Joe, can I have some of your sperm?

01:46:50.000 Fertilize my egg, then put it in the freezer, and then put it back in my body. 0.99

01:46:52.000 That seems so creepy zombie to me.

01:46:55.000 It's total science fiction.

01:46:56.000 The embryo gets frozen, and then you could turn that into life.

01:47:01.000 It's a healthy choice dinner.

01:47:03.000 An embryo will eventually become a human being.

01:47:08.000 That little embryo is already fertilized.

01:47:11.000 It's the egg that's fertilized.

01:47:12.000 You can freeze that, but you can't freeze a 13-year-old.

01:47:16.000 Nope.

01:47:17.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:47:18.000 No.

01:47:18.000 Like, there's a cutoff period.

01:47:20.000 I'm sure we could at some point, just not yet.

01:47:22.000 I think we could.

01:47:23.000 Yeah.

01:47:23.000 I think it's gonna happen.

01:47:24.000 I think it's gonna happen.

01:47:24.000 I think these fucking re-animate guys, these assholes that are shooting stem cells into dumb people's heads, those fuckers, they're gonna fix it all.

01:47:33.000 I know, I'm like, I know a lot of alive people who need that, but, um, yeah, that is, uh, I mean, I imagine it's because it doesn't have a brain and blood. 1.00

01:47:40.000 It doesn't have to be warm.

01:47:42.000 Like, embryos don't have to be warm.

01:47:43.000 Humans, I guess, have to get a certain body temperature. 0.99

01:47:46.000 I mean, that's like some Austin Powers shit. 0.98

01:47:48.000 But even a cell, to me, I mean, if it was an individual cell, like if the egg had been fertilized and it created one cell, the idea that you could freeze that fucking cell before it divides and becomes a full-on human being, the idea that you could freeze that one cell and then regenerate it, that's crazy. 0.97

01:48:06.000 Honestly, I don't know how people do like it's so I guess that's why I tried to read so much shit because I'm like I don't understand how I can't even understand what these people are doing and I'm not even doing it. 0.93

01:48:15.000 Well, it's so standard today, too. 0.98

01:48:17.000 I mean, which is so really fascinating because if you brought this concept to someone 200 years ago or even a hundred years ago, they think you're out of your fucking mind. 0.99

01:48:25.000 Yeah, but it's it sounds fucking crazy. 0.98

01:48:27.000 It does. 1.00

01:48:28.000 I just had it done and he's like I'm sucking him out of your fucking ovary. 1.00

01:48:31.000 I'm like, okay. 1.00

01:48:32.000 Do you remember John and Kate plus eight?

01:48:33.000 Of course.

01:48:34.000 Yeah.

01:48:34.000 Remember that crazy lady?

01:48:36.000 They shot those chemicals inside of her body to make her more fertile, and she gave birth to six kids. 0.99

01:48:43.000 Yeah.

01:48:44.000 Yes.

01:48:46.000 Octomom.

01:48:46.000 Yeah.

01:48:47.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:48:48.000 Octomom. 1.00

01:48:48.000 I forgot about Octomom. 1.00

01:48:49.000 You have to have a lot of money.

01:48:50.000 I think the only reason I remember that is because people on Twitter say I look like her.

01:48:55.000 What?

01:48:55.000 When they're just being mean.

01:48:57.000 Rude.

01:48:57.000 I know.

01:49:00.000 I've never felt like more of a science project.

01:49:04.000 It's like the human body is kind of a miracle.

01:49:06.000 But when he's...

01:49:07.000 This sort of intersection between technology and life or Mother Nature is so weird.

01:49:13.000 It's like he's in there and he's like...

01:49:15.000 I like how you're doing this.

01:49:17.000 It's like you went this with the sole, and now you're going in here.

01:49:22.000 It's not a very sexy or romantic process.

01:49:24.000 It's very clinical and sort of rough.

01:49:27.000 My ovaries are on a high-def television.

01:49:31.000 For those two things to be in this intersect is just so weird.

01:49:35.000 You're just looking at all your follicles.

01:49:37.000 I was convinced for the first Yeah.

01:49:52.000 Yeah.

01:49:53.000 Yeah.

01:50:02.000 I'm too obtuse, obviously.

01:50:03.000 Well, everybody is, I think.

01:50:05.000 He's pointing out my follicles.

01:50:06.000 He's like, this one's a different size. 0.99

01:50:08.000 I'm like, how the fuck do you know that? 0.98

01:50:09.000 It looks like a haunted house to me. 0.99

01:50:11.000 I can't understand anything.

01:50:12.000 It looks like paranormal activity. 0.99

01:50:14.000 I mean, it looks like a fucking nightmare. 0.98

01:50:16.000 And then I go, and then I'm sure enough, I looked like I was four or five months pregnant. 0.99

01:50:21.000 And I'm doing these shots every day, and I'm like, this is so fucking crazy. 0.80

01:50:27.000 So it makes your stomach stick out more? 0.96

01:50:28.000 Yes, because I had 18 big swollen eggs.

01:50:31.000 Whoa.

01:50:32.000 They're huge.

01:50:33.000 Yeah, I have a picture of it somewhere.

01:50:35.000 I'll send it to you and I look like five months pregnant and it's just like, you know, it's usually cause for alarm.

01:50:40.000 So to spend money to look like that. 0.88

01:50:42.000 And then, yeah, and then you go in and they suck them all out.

01:50:45.000 Now, what made you decide to do that versus, like, one day have a kid?

01:50:50.000 I am going to one day have a kid.

01:50:52.000 What he said to me was this.

01:50:54.000 He was like, look.

01:50:55.000 Look.

01:50:55.000 Because I was like, I know my next year and a half, two years is going to be a little bit hectic, and I'm probably not going to get it.

01:51:00.000 He was like, this might not be for your first or second kid.

01:51:02.000 It could be for your fourth.

01:51:04.000 Like, when you're 44, and you're like, you know, I'm going to have one more.

01:51:07.000 Or, like, I'm going to have a surrogate.

01:51:09.000 You know?

01:51:09.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:51:10.000 Yeah.

01:51:10.000 It's literally just like an insurance policy.

01:51:12.000 How about just adopt?

01:51:14.000 Adopting, it depends.

01:51:15.000 So adopting is kind of a nightmare.

01:51:17.000 A lot of my friends have been going through it.

01:51:19.000 You sign up for it and you're waiting for the baby to be born and the mother might change their mind.

01:51:24.000 So the mother has, I think, two days to decide whether she wants to keep the baby or not after she gives birth.

01:51:29.000 And that's, of course, when her brain is bathed in oxytocin after having it.

01:51:32.000 And a lot of couples go down a nine-month journey and don't get a kid.

01:51:35.000 But if you do it from a different country, it's a little different.

01:51:38.000 I have a couple gay friends that hired a surrogate.

01:51:41.000 Is it a surrogate?

01:51:42.000 What is it?

01:51:42.000 Yeah, surrogate.

01:51:43.000 Even for gay people? 0.81

01:51:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:51:45.000 I guess they use their own cum. 0.98

01:51:46.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:51:46.000 It's just a cooler surrogate. 0.99

01:51:48.000 They both shot it into a turkey baster and mixed it all together.

01:51:50.000 It had to have been one or the other.

01:51:51.000 I don't think...

01:51:52.000 They shook it up.

01:51:53.000 I don't think they knew.

01:51:55.000 I don't know.

01:51:55.000 I'm guessing.

01:51:56.000 But anyway, they paid this woman for like a year. 1.00

01:51:59.000 It's like $150,000.

01:52:00.000 They paid her for a year and then when the baby was born, she decided to keep it.

01:52:03.000 No!

01:52:04.000 That's their lawyer's fault.

01:52:05.000 There must have been something.

01:52:07.000 She decided to keep it.

01:52:08.000 I don't think you could force a woman to... 0.99

01:52:10.000 You might be able to force her to give the money back or some of the money back or you could sue for the money back.

01:52:14.000 But I don't think that you could take the baby away.

01:52:17.000 That's insane.

01:52:18.000 In California, the mother has, I think, all the rights. 0.97

01:52:21.000 Yeah.

01:52:21.000 I think...

01:52:23.000 Once the baby comes out of her body, she's probably like, listen, that's my fucking baby. 1.00

01:52:27.000 I'm going to make this work. 1.00

01:52:29.000 Yeah.

01:52:29.000 I mean, it's really a total chemical bonding thing.

01:52:33.000 Well, also, there might have been some severe desperation in her life that made her take this position as being a surrogate mother in the first place.

01:52:40.000 And the money that they gave her might have alleviated a lot of the problems that were causing her to be so desperate that she wanted to have a surrogate baby.

01:52:48.000 That's very interesting.

01:52:50.000 It was dark. 1.00

01:52:50.000 For them, it was really heartbreaking, but it was also like, wow, this is her fucking baby. 1.00

01:52:57.000 I mean, she grew it in her body, like biologically. 0.99

01:52:59.000 I also have friends with surrogates, and it's very stressful because you want to micromanage what they're eating, if they're sleeping.

01:53:07.000 But something that was helpful that I learned was that if a baby's not getting the nutrients it needs, it will take it from its mother's bones.

01:53:14.000 So if your surrogate is eating McDonald's, your kid's going to be fine. 0.99

01:53:19.000 The carrier is the one that's going to suffer. 0.99

01:53:22.000 Little parasites. 0.98

01:53:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:23.000 Just sucking fucking calcium out of your bones. 1.00

01:53:26.000 Babies, totally, they suck brain cells from the mother, too. 1.00

01:53:29.000 Oh, yeah, for sure. 1.00

01:53:30.000 I mean, they're fucking vampires. 1.00

01:53:31.000 Women get so dumb when they're pregnant. 1.00

01:53:32.000 I think they lose like 10% of their... 1.00

01:53:36.000 No, they're just tired all the time, I think is what it is, honestly. 0.99

01:53:38.000 It's fucking exhausting. 0.97

01:53:39.000 They're duplicating. 0.99

01:53:40.000 I mean, it's like it's a metamorphosis. 1.00

01:53:42.000 It's like a fucking... 0.99

01:53:43.000 It's a lot of work. 1.00

01:53:44.000 What a nightmare.

01:53:45.000 Yeah.

01:53:45.000 It's just crazy that that's the process.

01:53:46.000 Taking all their energy.

01:53:48.000 Well, it's the ultimate biological trick.

01:53:50.000 Barbaric. 1.00

01:53:50.000 The thing that we look forward to the most, the thing that sells cars and fucking TV shows, long legs and sex and, hey, buddy. 1.00

01:53:58.000 Hey. 1.00

01:53:58.000 And what is it really? 1.00

01:53:59.000 It's about coming in someone and making a person in their body.

01:54:02.000 Yep.

01:54:02.000 I mean, it's really like this ultimate biological trick of replication.

01:54:07.000 Have you ever heard of this book called, it's a stupid name, but Cupid's Poisoned Arrow? 0.99

01:54:12.000 It's about what orgasms do to your brain? 1.00

01:54:14.000 No.

01:54:15.000 And the whole sort of theory is to not have an orgasm unless you're going to actually procreate because of the chemicals that are released.

01:54:22.000 I don't know.

01:54:23.000 Who wrote that book? 0.61

01:54:24.000 What kind of monster wrote that book? 1.00

01:54:25.000 What kind of fucking, yeah, sex addicts? 1.00

01:54:26.000 First of all, no, that's the best way to clear your mind, is to shoot a load. 1.00

01:54:29.000 I know, but it's something about- Guys jerk off, and your thought process is so much clearer. 0.99

01:54:35.000 There's so many times that I've told my friends, like, you know, I don't know what to do, man. 0.99

01:54:40.000 She's pressured me.

01:54:41.000 Jerk off first, then think about it. 1.00

01:54:43.000 Just go jerk off, and then tell me after you jerked off if you want to deal with all this emotional bullshit that's being thrown at you. 1.00

01:54:50.000 Hold on. 1.00

01:54:51.000 I'll send this to you.

01:54:53.000 I remember reading it, and while I was reading it, I was like, yeah, this makes a lot of sense.

01:54:56.000 I mean, I don't want to live like that, but it makes a lot of sense.

01:54:58.000 Well, it's something about how if you want to stay in love with someone long term, because if you have too many orgasms, you produce dopamine, and then after—because essentially we're designed to procreate, like you said— And then the female starts producing oxytocin, but the male starts being less interested and the brain is like, 0.93

01:55:15.000 okay, now you have to go procreate with someone else because our brain doesn't know that there's six billion people on the planet and we don't need to fucking procreate with a lot of different moms. 1.00

01:55:24.000 So it's something about if you want to be in a relationship for a long time.

01:55:28.000 So it's like a tantric type thing?

01:55:30.000 Kind of.

01:55:31.000 You know what?

01:55:31.000 I'll send it to you.

01:55:32.000 It's basically about... 0.95

01:55:33.000 I stopped reading after like four pages because I was like, I'm never going to fucking... 0.91

01:55:36.000 It's about keeping oxytocin, the bonding chemical, alive with couples. 0.97

01:55:42.000 Oh, that's crazy.

01:55:43.000 They're trying to hack couples. 0.78

01:55:45.000 Yes, they are. 0.99

01:55:45.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99

01:55:46.000 How about just find someone that you actually like? 0.96

01:55:49.000 That's too easy.

01:55:50.000 It's possible.

01:55:50.000 It's kind of in LA. Is that possible?

01:55:52.000 Of course.

01:55:53.000 It can be done everywhere.

01:55:54.000 Who do you think I should date?

01:55:56.000 Who do I think you should date?

01:55:57.000 I don't know.

01:55:58.000 We'll find you somebody.

01:55:59.000 We need to find you somebody.

01:56:00.000 I'm dating somebody, but...

01:56:02.000 It's not working out, obviously.

01:56:03.000 I don't know.

01:56:03.000 I'm just curious.

01:56:04.000 That dude's at home going, shit! 1.00

01:56:06.000 Who do you think I should date? 1.00

01:56:08.000 I thought we were dating, bitch! 1.00

01:56:09.000 No, I'm curious. 1.00

01:56:11.000 I'm just curious.

01:56:12.000 I'm curious.

01:56:14.000 You always have interesting opinions.

01:56:16.000 I think the person I'm dating is a good idea, but I'm just curious.

01:56:19.000 You're a lot.

01:56:22.000 So I think, and I mean that in the best way possible, but you're very smart and you're very ambitious and you're interested in a lot of different things and you have to have someone who's similar in some ways.

01:56:36.000 Or is that a nightmare?

01:56:38.000 No, I honestly believe that in order for someone like you, because I think you're an outlier in a lot of ways. 0.99

01:56:45.000 I'm a liar, that's for sure. 0.93

01:56:47.000 No. 0.98

01:56:48.000 That outlying aspect of your personality.

01:56:53.000 Someone has to be an outlier in some way of their own in order for them to appreciate you. 1.00

01:56:59.000 Because otherwise they're just going to think, I can't keep up with this crazy bitch. 1.00

01:57:02.000 This is just too much. 1.00

01:57:03.000 She doesn't sleep.

01:57:04.000 She gets up in the middle of the night and starts writing books and learning how to walk again.

01:57:08.000 You know what I mean?

01:57:09.000 I'm like the grandpa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory getting out of bed.

01:57:13.000 Well, there's a lot of benefits to your type of behavior.

01:57:16.000 Obviously, that's why you're so successful.

01:57:18.000 There's a lot of benefits to the way you think.

01:57:19.000 But the negative, the side aspect of it, where I would say it's going to be problematic is someone has to, like for companionship, someone has to be able to keep up with you or understand you or accept you.

01:57:35.000 And the way you think and the way you approach life is extremely different.

01:57:43.000 It's not the way most people do it, and not the way most women do it, for sure. 1.00

01:57:48.000 And if men are used to this certain type of patterns that some women follow, and then you have this pattern, they're going to be like, I just want to grow with complaints about Starbucks. 0.99

01:58:01.000 I can go back to that.

01:58:02.000 Very good.

01:58:03.000 I understand.

01:58:04.000 They run out of soy.

01:58:05.000 What?

01:58:07.000 Almond milk or coconut milk?

01:58:09.000 Camel milk?

01:58:10.000 What are we doing?

01:58:11.000 Goat's milk?

01:58:11.000 I think, you know, when...

01:58:13.000 I hate saying stupid shit that people repeat, but I think this repeated thing is... 1.00

01:58:19.000 When you're ready, you'll find someone. 1.00

01:58:22.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:58:23.000 Because I... And I think there's like...

01:58:26.000 I think a relationship really doesn't work unless you yourself are ready for a relationship, too.

01:58:35.000 That's a really good point.

01:58:36.000 And you have to be someone that someone would want to be in a relationship with.

01:58:39.000 I say that all the time.

01:58:40.000 I'm like, how about stop focusing on the other person when I want to date me?

01:58:43.000 Right.

01:58:44.000 Once I get in a place where I would want to date me or marry me...

01:58:47.000 Yeah.

01:58:48.000 And people think they're gonna find someone, a person's gonna calm them down, and then they're gonna be someone that's worth dating.

01:58:53.000 Yeah.

01:58:54.000 That's oftentimes...

01:58:55.000 Calm yourself down.

01:58:55.000 Right.

01:58:56.000 Solve your own problems, and then, yeah, totally. 0.95

01:58:58.000 Yeah, so they put on a fucking song and dance for the first couple weeks of the relationship until, like, a buddy of mine had this girl that he was dating for a while, and then his car broke down, And he needed her to help him. 0.95

01:59:12.000 Like his tire blew out. 0.99

01:59:14.000 And I forgot the whole story.

01:59:15.000 But she helped him in some sort of a way.

01:59:17.000 Like she came and got him or something like that.

01:59:19.000 And then she stayed over the house. 0.99

01:59:21.000 And then the next day she texted him like five fucking times in a row. 1.00

01:59:24.000 And he didn't text her back. 0.99

01:59:26.000 And then she... 1.00

01:59:27.000 Left this crazy message about now she's going to need therapy and she has trust issues. 1.00

01:59:31.000 And so he was like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:59:33.000 He was working all day. 1.00

01:59:35.000 He was like, I was working all day. 0.99

01:59:36.000 I had one day where I tried to put my phone aside and concentrate on my work and you're just blowing up my fucking phone and I didn't text you back and now you need therapy. 0.99

01:59:45.000 Like... 0.99

01:59:45.000 There's certain people that you enter into any sort of an intimate relationship with them, and you're taking on the burden of all this psychological fucking... 0.99

01:59:55.000 Which is, I think, exactly why all this self-aware shit, maybe it comes off super masturbatory and narcissistic, but I was like, I am done being crazy. 0.99

02:00:03.000 Like, it's... 0.99

02:00:05.000 It's not... 0.87

02:00:05.000 But you're still crazy by saying I'm done being crazy. 0.87

02:00:09.000 That's a sign of being crazy. 0.98

02:00:11.000 But here's the thing.

02:00:12.000 I don't...

02:00:12.000 It's cute in your 20s.

02:00:13.000 It's not cute in your 30s to text a guy five times in a row.

02:00:16.000 That's not cute.

02:00:17.000 That's a lack of awareness.

02:00:18.000 I do not...

02:00:19.000 Exactly. 1.00

02:00:20.000 So I want to be able to go, oh, this is my shit. 0.99

02:00:21.000 This has nothing to do with him. 1.00

02:00:22.000 Like, I have abandonment terror and da-da and, like, solve my own problems.

02:00:25.000 Abandonment terror?

02:00:26.000 I've never heard...

02:00:27.000 It's called abandonment terror.

02:00:27.000 I've never heard that expression before.

02:00:28.000 I had infant maternal disruption, so I have abandonment terror, which means I didn't...

02:00:33.000 Hit the brakes. 0.98

02:00:34.000 I feel like we're always in here, and as soon as we start winding down, I throw out some shit like that. 0.99

02:00:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:39.000 Like, sperm allergy, infant maternal disruption, fuck. 1.00

02:00:42.000 You can't walk? 1.00

02:00:43.000 Yeah.

02:00:44.000 What's going on with your foot?

02:00:45.000 All right, nice talking to you.

02:00:46.000 I can't walk. 0.99

02:00:47.000 I'm going to crawl out of here and get my fucking Tesla. 0.99

02:00:50.000 Get on my Segway and get out of here. 0.99

02:00:53.000 No, when you didn't get enough eye contact as a kid, basically, you have infant maternal disruption.

02:00:58.000 Like, you weren't able to get the connection.

02:01:00.000 So when...

02:01:01.000 When you don't get a text back or whatever, it starts triggering really old abandonment terror.

02:01:07.000 Oh, wow.

02:01:08.000 Abandonment terror?

02:01:08.000 That girl is broken.

02:01:10.000 Something happened from the ages of one to three that now is manifesting in five text messages. 1.00

02:01:15.000 But you have to control your own shit. 0.99

02:01:17.000 You've got to clean up your own yard. 1.00

02:01:18.000 You've got to fix it.

02:01:19.000 That's why I'm in 12-step programs.

02:01:21.000 I do EMDR. I'm on all sorts of shit. 1.00

02:01:24.000 I'm not going to be a puppet of what happened to me when I was three for the rest of my life. 0.99

02:01:29.000 I'm not going to punish the guys I date for.

02:01:31.000 It's not your fault.

02:01:32.000 But even talking about his punishment...

02:01:35.000 Well, I don't.

02:01:37.000 I know that we're not even dating and me talking about it.

02:01:40.000 But it's not punishment to me.

02:01:42.000 So in program, we don't go to the problem for the solution.

02:01:45.000 So it's like, if the problem is you're not texting me back, I'm not going to go to you and say, hey, text me back.

02:01:50.000 I'm going to go figure out the solution and then take the solution to the relationship.

02:01:55.000 Yeah, well, I'm a big believer in the path of least resistance when it comes to relationships.

02:02:00.000 And if someone doesn't want to text you back, you probably shouldn't be hanging out with them.

02:02:04.000 It's pretty simple.

02:02:04.000 To chase after people.

02:02:06.000 I don't chase.

02:02:07.000 It's an instinct.

02:02:08.000 People have it.

02:02:09.000 Like, God, why didn't they call me back? 1.00

02:02:10.000 How come you didn't text me back, you fuck? 1.00

02:02:12.000 I guess we're not texting back now. 1.00

02:02:15.000 Yeah, a lot of us seek people whose approval we don't have or whose attention we don't have because we didn't get it.

02:02:21.000 Well, I think text messages and even voicemail messages, in a way, are weird.

02:02:26.000 In that, like, you send somebody something, and then you wait for them to respond, and you hold, and you're like, all right, come on.

02:02:32.000 What do we got here?

02:02:33.000 It's like, send a raven! 0.99

02:02:35.000 You know, you gotta fucking scroll attached to this bird. 0.99

02:02:37.000 Well, it's also worse now, because it's like, if I text you and you don't text me back, and then I see that you posted on Instagram, there's this whole new fucking thing. 0.99

02:02:45.000 Which did happen the other day, Joe. 0.95

02:02:47.000 It didn't?

02:02:48.000 No, I'm joking.

02:02:49.000 Definitely not. 0.93

02:02:49.000 But I mean, there's this new thing of how I can see all the other things you're doing on your phone instantly, so I'm now all of a sudden like, well, you fucking responded to these tweets, you know, from fucking Rhonda, but you didn't text me back. 0.93

02:03:06.000 It turns into that shit. 1.00

02:03:07.000 Fucking Rhonda. 1.00

02:03:08.000 Yeah, so... 1.00

02:03:10.000 I'm not going to start a beef with her.

02:03:12.000 I love her very much.

02:03:13.000 Which Rhonda are you talking about?

02:03:14.000 Oh, because you have the Dr. Rhonda! 0.99

02:03:16.000 And then you have Rhonda Rousey.

02:03:17.000 Oh, I was doing Rhonda Rousey.

02:03:19.000 I thought you were just making people's names up.

02:03:20.000 Oh, no, no.

02:03:21.000 I was just trying to think of someone who you might tweet with.

02:03:23.000 Right, I get it.

02:03:24.000 Or tweet about or something.

02:03:26.000 All of the above.

02:03:26.000 But yeah, so now I think with all of these other things, it makes it harder to just solely focus on the purity of did he text me back or not.

02:03:35.000 It's like he didn't text me back, but he did all these other things on his phone.

02:03:38.000 Human beings enter into relationships, even friendships.

02:03:42.000 When I say relationship, I don't mean sexual.

02:03:44.000 Just like any time when you're relating to other people.

02:03:47.000 The person that you're hanging around with, they change how you are.

02:03:52.000 You are who you are.

02:03:54.000 You have this base.

02:03:55.000 And then you might be lighter around certain people.

02:03:59.000 Totally.

02:04:00.000 There's like a chemical reaction that you have to people's personalities.

02:04:03.000 I instantly, when I see a comic, I stop trying to be funny.

02:04:07.000 It's the best thing.

02:04:09.000 I'm not like, don't ever make jokes, but as soon as I'm in a comic, I'm like, I don't have to try to make you laugh.

02:04:14.000 Oh, okay.

02:04:15.000 So you feel like when you're around people that aren't comics, you're almost obligated because they know you're funny?

02:04:20.000 Yeah, it's like your thing about it.

02:04:21.000 It's just different reactions.

02:04:22.000 Certain people trigger different things.

02:04:24.000 Is that maybe your own expectations of what you think people want from you?

02:04:28.000 Could be.

02:04:29.000 Or it's like the performance or the show or the costume I put on to avoid intimacy or to having to really connect to somebody.

02:04:35.000 Do you think that like with every day and every hour and every time you obsess and all these things and all these different paths that you go down, like every day gets a little better?

02:04:44.000 Yes.

02:04:44.000 Every day you get a little better at it.

02:04:46.000 Get a little better at life.

02:04:47.000 Yes.

02:04:48.000 Yes. 0.83

02:04:48.000 And if I haven't, I'm like, you know, but it depends on also what comes up because it's like, you know, sometimes you're like, I'm fucking nailing it. 0.83

02:04:55.000 And then a trigger comes along that you're like, I didn't even know that was a trigger.

02:04:58.000 That was weird.

02:04:59.000 You know, or like a totally new...

02:05:02.000 The stimulus dynamic comes along.

02:05:04.000 Instagram is invented.

02:05:05.000 I'm nailing it with guys.

02:05:07.000 They don't have to text me back.

02:05:08.000 I feel great. 1.00

02:05:08.000 And then they put them like, oh shit! 1.00

02:05:10.000 Now Instagram was fucking invented and now I have to see what they're doing. 1.00

02:05:14.000 So it's like our environments are changing so fast. 0.97

02:05:19.000 It's hard for our emotional and mental progress to keep up with all these new curveballs. 1.00

02:05:26.000 Unless you turn your phone black and white and shut that bitch off. 1.00

02:05:29.000 I like how you have a cover on your phone too. 1.00

02:05:31.000 How do you like me now?

02:05:31.000 I have to put a chastity belt on my phone.

02:05:36.000 When I drive, I have to put it in the backseat because I will text and drive.

02:05:40.000 In the backseat?

02:05:41.000 I put it in the backseat because I don't trust myself.

02:05:44.000 I'll just be driving and I'll look down and all of a sudden I'm on my phone. 0.99

02:05:47.000 I'm like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:05:48.000 This is so dangerous. 1.00

02:05:50.000 You go unconscious.

02:05:51.000 Yeah.

02:05:52.000 Yeah.

02:05:52.000 And I rear-ended somebody, like, and it wasn't, like, email.

02:05:55.000 I literally just looked down at my phone.

02:05:56.000 I was, like, pulling up to a stop sign.

02:05:58.000 And I thought I was stopped.

02:06:00.000 And, you know, they say that texting is now worse than drunk driving.

02:06:06.000 More people die from texting and driving now than drunk driving.

02:06:08.000 What?

02:06:08.000 And I don't even think it's...

02:06:10.000 Is that real?

02:06:10.000 Yeah.

02:06:11.000 I just think it's not going to happen to me. 0.86

02:06:12.000 I don't know what magical fucking addict thinking I'm doing, but I literally will just look down at my phone and I rear-ended this guy and I was like, I'm so sorry. 0.91

02:06:19.000 Totally my fault. 0.98

02:06:21.000 And I was like, that's going to be my rock bottom.

02:06:22.000 It wasn't bad at all.

02:06:23.000 It was like a little ding.

02:06:24.000 And I was like, hey, that needed to happen.

02:06:26.000 But don't you think that your ideas of what is going to happen are based on what's already happened and nothing's happened yet?

02:06:31.000 So you assume, well, I'm in the car, I'm driving.

02:06:34.000 Nothing happens when I'm driving.

02:06:35.000 I'm safe.

02:06:35.000 I live in the valley.

02:06:36.000 Yeah.

02:06:36.000 What's the...

02:06:37.000 What am I going to die in a car accident? 0.98

02:06:39.000 I mean, that's not the story I wrote for myself, but no one gives a fuck about that. 0.97

02:06:43.000 No one has that script. 0.93

02:06:44.000 Everyone isn't running around trying to make sure I stay alive.

02:06:49.000 And that brings it all back to you going to Vietnam and you experiencing another possibility that you or I, we're both really lucky they were born in America.

02:06:58.000 Yeah.

02:06:59.000 We're born white, wealthy people in America.

02:07:03.000 I mean, not born it.

02:07:04.000 I wasn't born it, yeah.

02:07:05.000 I wasn't either.

02:07:06.000 But we're lucky. 0.99

02:07:07.000 We're lucky as fuck. 0.99

02:07:08.000 Like, this situation wasn't possible if you live in Vietnam. 0.98

02:07:11.000 Literally, I feel like what I realized is like, you know, because when everyone's like, I'm tired.

02:07:17.000 Like, everyone's like, there's just, like, people love being sick, too.

02:07:21.000 They love it. 0.99

02:07:22.000 They fucking love it. 0.99

02:07:22.000 I don't feel good. 0.99

02:07:23.000 I have a headache.

02:07:24.000 I have this, I have a thyroid thing.

02:07:27.000 They brag about having sicknesses.

02:07:30.000 They're just distractions though, right?

02:07:31.000 I have Lyme disease or whatever.

02:07:33.000 Lyme disease is real.

02:07:34.000 If you really have Lyme disease, I'm so sorry.

02:07:36.000 Tim Ferriss, so sorry.

02:07:38.000 Tim Ferriss has Lyme disease?

02:07:39.000 He had it.

02:07:40.000 Yeah.

02:07:41.000 It was like, I think, really bad.

02:07:42.000 Oh.

02:07:43.000 But like, I mean, everyone's like, I'm tired.

02:07:45.000 I think I have Lyme disease.

02:07:45.000 I'm like, no, people really have Lyme disease.

02:07:47.000 Or people are like, I'm allergic to gluten.

02:07:49.000 I'm like, do you have celiac disease?

02:07:50.000 Or do you just need to be sick because it gets you attention?

02:07:53.000 And then you go to a place where people are actually sick and actually have problems.

02:08:00.000 And it just really changes your perspective.

02:08:04.000 Did you ever see that Louis C.K. bit about being white?

02:08:07.000 Probably, but it makes me think of the one, because I was thinking, this isn't a bit I do, obviously, but I just remember after being in Vietnam, I was like, we should just walk around all the time and be like, that's awesome!

02:08:17.000 This is so cool!

02:08:18.000 I love it!

02:08:18.000 This is awesome!

02:08:19.000 Look at this!

02:08:20.000 It should just constantly be like, oh my god, there's water in this bottle!

02:08:24.000 Louis has this amazing bit where he's like, you could go back to any time in history and it would be amazing.

02:08:31.000 Ah!

02:08:32.000 He's like, that's the thing about being white. 0.89

02:08:33.000 He's like, being white is great. 0.99

02:08:35.000 He goes, you go back 200 years ago, you don't have to worry about being a slave.

02:08:40.000 Well, white people, Irish people didn't have it so good for a while. 0.69

02:08:43.000 Well, there's definitely some...

02:08:44.000 I mean, it's a joke, obviously.

02:08:46.000 Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

02:08:47.000 Take that, Louie.

02:08:48.000 What about the Irish people?

02:08:50.000 Found a little debunking your bit.

02:08:52.000 But he also had that thing about everything's amazing and all we do is complain about the flying and people are like, my flight was 45 minutes late.

02:08:59.000 I went on this hunting trip in Prince of Wales Island, which is in Alaska, and it's unbelievably rainy.

02:09:06.000 I mean, we were just drenched.

02:09:07.000 For six days.

02:09:09.000 And I just thought in my head for some reason that you'd be dry when you get in the tent.

02:09:13.000 I'd be like, well, once you get in the tent, you'll be dry.

02:09:15.000 But you never really get dry because the air is wet and there's mist everywhere.

02:09:19.000 So everything's wet.

02:09:20.000 Your sleeping bag's soaking wet.

02:09:21.000 The only thing that saves you and keeps you warm is the fact that you're wearing wool.

02:09:24.000 Oh, yeah.

02:09:25.000 Because wool retains body heat even when it's wet, unlike cotton and a lot of synthetic fabrics don't do it very well either.

02:09:32.000 Oh, interesting.

02:09:33.000 But wool is amazing.

02:09:34.000 It's an animal, right?

02:09:35.000 Yes.

02:09:35.000 An animal's hair.

02:09:36.000 Exactly.

02:09:37.000 So when you have wool socks on, even if your feet are wet, you're still warm.

02:09:40.000 No, I didn't know that. 1.00

02:09:40.000 Yeah, wool is the shit. 1.00

02:09:42.000 The shit. 1.00

02:09:42.000 Tweet that. 1.00

02:09:43.000 It is so important for people that are in the outdoors, like wool undergarments.

02:09:47.000 Sheep would be dead, probably.

02:09:48.000 I think wolves get them more than the cold.

02:09:53.000 But I mean, oh, good point.

02:09:54.000 Okay, got it.

02:09:54.000 Sorry.

02:09:55.000 I was like, I thought you meant wolf hair.

02:09:56.000 I was like, wolves have wool?

02:09:58.000 Their hair is wool?

02:10:00.000 Sorry.

02:10:01.000 My point was that, so six days in this soaked environment, just every day just being completely wet.

02:10:08.000 Everything's wet.

02:10:08.000 Everything you do is wet.

02:10:09.000 Your face is wet.

02:10:10.000 It's like a sheen that you could feel it on you.

02:10:12.000 It's like you're just wet and cold.

02:10:14.000 Yeah.

02:10:14.000 And I came back and it was sunny and it was 80 and I was like, this is amazing.

02:10:19.000 And I was driving around in LA and I'm like, I love it here. 0.60

02:10:23.000 And I called my friend Steve, same guy, Steve Rinell, and I called him up and I go, dude, I am so fucking happy.

02:10:29.000 I've never been this happy.

02:10:30.000 But it's because I was miserable for those days.

02:10:33.000 Yes, it's so important to have adversity.

02:10:35.000 I appreciate it, yes.

02:10:36.000 I was in Vietnam, like I said, they wear masks. 0.99

02:10:39.000 I went for a run with this motherfucker who, back to your point about flat feet, he's like the marathon guy who's like, you're supposed to run barefooted. 0.99

02:10:46.000 So he's barefoot run guy. 0.99

02:10:48.000 And this was the first non-barefoot run he's done because it was in Vietnam and there's just like, you shouldn't have Yeah, just nightmares.

02:10:55.000 Just dead animals.

02:10:57.000 Just dysentery.

02:10:58.000 Just babies.

02:10:59.000 By the way, also just kids everywhere.

02:11:01.000 I'm like, do you have a parent?

02:11:03.000 Like, I mean, there's just like three-year-old toddlers just running businesses.

02:11:09.000 Excuse me.

02:11:10.000 Do you work here?

02:11:12.000 I'll send you some of the photos.

02:11:14.000 You'll see a kid just in a store alone and you're like, what is happening? 0.97

02:11:17.000 It's so fucking dangerous. 0.94

02:11:18.000 And everyone's in masks. 0.98

02:11:21.000 They can't breathe the oxygen there.

02:11:24.000 And we went for a run and I came back and I felt like I had smoked four packs of cigarettes.

02:11:27.000 And I came back to LA and even just doing that was like a little mini miracle.

02:11:33.000 Did you ever see that?

02:11:34.000 There's a story that was written about Mark Zuckerberg, who was in China, and he went for a run during one of the worst days, one of the worst pollution days, and he's out there jogging around, and you look at the air behind him, it's like you're jogging into an exhaust pipe.

02:11:51.000 And he just doesn't see...

02:11:52.000 Maybe he wanted to experience it because, you know, just to know...

02:11:57.000 I mean, he's an interesting guy.

02:11:59.000 He's obviously a very thoughtful guy.

02:12:02.000 And I think that maybe he wanted to experience it just to know what those people deal with.

02:12:05.000 When you have that much money, you're like, I can pay for it. 0.98

02:12:07.000 Whatever happens to me, we can fucking new lungs. 0.99

02:12:10.000 I'll just get some fucking stem cells shot in my lungs for the regeneration people. 1.00

02:12:13.000 Yeah, totally in my fucking re-anime my lungs. 0.99

02:12:16.000 But yeah, I mean, and that's... 0.98

02:12:17.000 I think that I also, like, once you see that kind of pollution, it's like, you know, because there's so many charities and there's so many fucking problems, you can't try to solve all of them or be, you know, such a small...

02:12:27.000 But I was like, oh, this is the first time that I was like...

02:12:30.000 I need to like only buy, you know, there's like carbon neutral companies and companies that, you know, put less emissions out and stuff.

02:12:37.000 And you're like, yeah, I should start voting with things I buy.

02:12:40.000 And, you know, it's the first time I got this app that tells you what companies don't emit as much pollution, you know, stuff like that.

02:12:47.000 And I'm like, I never really thought about that before until I was breathing in like viscous toxic air.

02:12:51.000 Well, it's interesting because just being a human being just by...

02:12:57.000 The nature of our existence.

02:12:59.000 We consume constantly.

02:13:01.000 And we're constantly using things that are detrimental to the environment.

02:13:05.000 And people will concentrate on certain things.

02:13:07.000 Like, hey, I ride my bike everywhere, so my carbon footprint is less. 1.00

02:13:11.000 Yeah, but you're still using plastic, motherfucker. 1.00

02:13:13.000 That shit goes into garbage. 1.00

02:13:15.000 Totally. 1.00

02:13:17.000 Waste refilling.

02:13:19.000 What are those called?

02:13:20.000 Yeah.

02:13:21.000 Landfills.

02:13:21.000 They go into landfills.

02:13:22.000 They wind up getting into the ocean.

02:13:24.000 All the stuff that we do has an effect.

02:13:27.000 All of it.

02:13:28.000 100%. 0.98

02:13:28.000 This idea that you're immune because you ride your bike everywhere or because you have an electric car, that one drives me fucking crazy. 0.98

02:13:34.000 No. 0.99

02:13:35.000 Because, by the way, those electric cars, those fucking minerals that are in those cars, yeah. 0.98

02:13:39.000 The batteries apparently cause they're not recyclable, right? 0.99

02:13:41.000 Right.

02:13:42.000 Well, not only that, they're conflict minerals.

02:13:44.000 A lot of the batteries, they're getting the minerals from places that are like...

02:13:47.000 There's a real issue with where they're getting these minerals to make these batteries.

02:13:54.000 That's one of the big things about Afghanistan.

02:13:56.000 One of the big things about Afghanistan, they found trillions of dollars worth of lithium in the mountains.

02:14:01.000 And they believe it's one of the reasons why we're there in the first place.

02:14:05.000 Really?

02:14:06.000 There's all sorts of natural resources that the Soviets wanted out of Afghanistan.

02:14:11.000 The natural gas pipeline, it's one of the main reasons why they believe that some of the neocons were very interested in protecting and invading Afghanistan.

02:14:21.000 It's not just the poppy business, which is huge. 0.99

02:14:24.000 Look, it's a giant fucking business. 0.97

02:14:27.000 And the idea that, well, we wouldn't have anything to do with that because it's not illegal, or because it's illegal, well, that's not true. 0.99

02:14:33.000 Because if you look at what happened in Vietnam, Vietnam, a big part of the reason why people were in Vietnam, why some people supported being in Vietnam, It's because they were profiting off controlling the heroin trade. 0.80

02:14:44.000 That's a fact.

02:14:45.000 There was a fucking trillion dollars made during the Vietnam War from heroin sales and where it was made and why and who got the money and where the corruption took place and where the money was being handed out. 0.97

02:14:57.000 That's all open to speculation and research and maybe someone will eventually have it all figured out one day. 0.99

02:15:02.000 But the reality is there was a massive amount of fucking heroin that was being moved. 0.99

02:15:07.000 Whoa! 0.99

02:15:08.000 Jesus Christ.

02:15:08.000 I'm getting crazy.

02:15:09.000 I know.

02:15:10.000 He's so into this heroin thing.

02:15:11.000 But nothing happened.

02:15:12.000 I got lucky.

02:15:15.000 Dude.

02:15:16.000 I also like that your coffee is so made of coconut oil and butter that it's white.

02:15:20.000 It barely moves.

02:15:21.000 Your coffee is like lava.

02:15:25.000 It's thick.

02:15:27.000 It's thick like my stout loads. 0.98

02:15:30.000 My point being that these batteries that they're making these fucking car batteries out of, it's like Oh, 0.99

02:15:53.000 wow. 0.99

02:15:53.000 The idea that we're not is crazy. 0.99

02:15:55.000 The idea that that's not a part of the equation is utter, complete nonsense. 0.76

02:16:00.000 Craziness. 0.94

02:16:00.000 And I think that the amount of minerals that are in these fucking car batteries is something we really need to look at, because I was reading this whole piece about conflict minerals and how non-green electric cars actually are. 0.94

02:16:14.000 If you stop and look at it, like, yeah, as far as, like, our environment, yes. 0.93

02:16:17.000 For sure.

02:16:18.000 They definitely pollute our environment less.

02:16:21.000 But if we look at the actual repercussions of creating these things, like how are these minerals being sourced?

02:16:28.000 How are they making these batteries?

02:16:30.000 What's the adverse effects of creating these batteries?

02:16:33.000 It's not clean and free.

02:16:35.000 So people run around saying, I drive my electric car and I only eat organic and so I'm free of any...

02:16:44.000 No, you're free of guilt. 1.00

02:16:45.000 Bullshit. 1.00

02:16:45.000 You're free of your own fake guilt. 1.00

02:16:48.000 Your own bullshit. 1.00

02:16:49.000 But it's just being a fucking human. 1.00

02:16:50.000 Being a human. 1.00

02:16:52.000 You're using things we're consuming.

02:16:54.000 Yeah, we should all consume less.

02:16:55.000 Most certainly.

02:16:56.000 But, like, even people who only eat vegetables and grains. 0.99

02:17:00.000 Goddamn, large-scale grain operations destroy... 0.98

02:17:03.000 Massive amounts of wildlife habitat, displaced animals, those grain combines are completely indiscriminate. 1.00

02:17:10.000 They chew up rodents, and fucking deer fawns, and ground-nesting birds, and forget about insects. 0.98

02:17:16.000 Don't even get me started on the bees! 1.00

02:17:18.000 Bugs! 0.88

02:17:19.000 Just bugs alone!

02:17:21.000 Do we have a hierarchy of what we will and won't allow being killed?

02:17:26.000 We have these ideas.

02:17:27.000 Well, like, animals exhibit fear and emotions and react to our environment, so we shouldn't kill them.

02:17:34.000 But bees are like an insect, like a mosquito.

02:17:38.000 Well, that's a different thing because that's life, but it's not our kind of life.

02:17:41.000 No, but there's no animals without bees. 0.62

02:17:43.000 It's like bees are the source of everything.

02:17:46.000 But like mosquitoes.

02:17:47.000 Mosquitoes are a funny one. 1.00

02:17:48.000 Mosquitoes just carry diseases. 0.99

02:17:49.000 Or ants.

02:17:51.000 Mosquitoes make sure the population stays low.

02:17:54.000 But arguably, insects are probably one of the best sources of protein that we could ever get.

02:18:00.000 Yeah, why is that stalled?

02:18:02.000 I felt like there was an insect protein movement happening and it just sort of went away.

02:18:06.000 Well, I think it's a perception issue.

02:18:08.000 Of course.

02:18:08.000 Because I think a lot of people have the idea that eating grass...

02:18:10.000 When I was in Mexico recently, they served crickets.

02:18:14.000 Like the hotel we were at, they have these like, they look like they're stir-fried crickets.

02:18:19.000 And they left them in our hotel room.

02:18:20.000 It was like a snack.

02:18:21.000 It was covered with saran wrap.

02:18:23.000 Nobody ate it but me.

02:18:24.000 Of course, I ate it. 1.00

02:18:26.000 A fucking fear factor guy. 1.00

02:18:27.000 It was a prank. 1.00

02:18:28.000 I've seen more people eat. 1.00

02:18:30.000 Yeah, you've seen all that shit. 1.00

02:18:32.000 But they all ate them, like, regularly there. 1.00

02:18:33.000 They were eating these, like...

02:18:34.000 Well, because it's like, we'll eat snails, we'll eat frog legs.

02:18:37.000 It's like, there is a very weird line.

02:18:39.000 Very weird.

02:18:39.000 And our line is different than, like, the Yulin Dog Festival line.

02:18:43.000 Don't.

02:18:43.000 We can't.

02:18:44.000 Yeah, exactly, right?

02:18:45.000 We can't talk about that.

02:18:46.000 It's fascinating.

02:18:46.000 But, yeah, but when I was in, yeah, in Vietnam, the stuff that there was, like, jellyfish and squid, it was a lot of, I guess, what's available in that region is probably...

02:18:55.000 100%.

02:18:56.000 But yeah, there was so much more, like the idea of eating a jellyfish, we're like, ugh.

02:19:01.000 To them, they're just sucking jellyfish.

02:19:03.000 I know.

02:19:04.000 Well, bugs to me are really a fascinating thing because one of the things that we found out when we were doing Fear Factor is that allergies, like if you have an allergy to certain shellfish, you also have an allergy to roaches.

02:19:15.000 Huh.

02:19:15.000 Yeah.

02:19:16.000 So we found that out at the hardware.

02:19:18.000 Oops.

02:19:20.000 Lawsuit.

02:19:22.000 But bugs are an excellent source of protein, and people don't have the same emotional attachment to a bug.

02:19:28.000 But we have a visceral negative repulsion to them.

02:19:33.000 Right, but if it's ground up.

02:19:34.000 The idea of eating something.

02:19:35.000 But if it's ground up in some sort of a protein powder, like cricket protein is real.

02:19:38.000 You ever have a cricket bar?

02:19:40.000 Cricket protein bars are good.

02:19:41.000 Oh, here we go.

02:19:42.000 Look at this.

02:19:42.000 Exo.

02:19:43.000 Crickets.

02:19:43.000 The future of protein.

02:19:45.000 Soy, dairy, grain, and gluten-free.

02:19:47.000 Paleo and environmentally friendly.

02:19:48.000 Yeah.

02:19:49.000 You eat these. 1.00

02:19:49.000 I'll eat the shit out of some crickets. 1.00

02:19:51.000 Do they taste like anything? 0.99

02:19:52.000 Crickets don't taste bad.

02:19:53.000 It just tastes like soy protein or something? 1.00

02:19:55.000 It's not like you're eating lobster, but it's not like you're eating shit. 0.99

02:20:03.000 We're good to do that. 0.99

02:20:05.000 Cricket bars. 1.00

02:20:06.000 It's not like you're eating lobster, but it's not like you're eating shit. 0.98

02:20:11.000 Because the ultimate debate, there's a lot of people that are really strict vegetarians and they're into eating vegan because they want... 0.93

02:20:19.000 To leave the least amount of footprint possible.

02:20:21.000 I totally understand all those.

02:20:22.000 But I wonder how they feel about crickets.

02:20:24.000 I wonder how they feel about bugs.

02:20:26.000 I think it's just like a perception issue.

02:20:28.000 Yes.

02:20:28.000 Well, it is and it isn't.

02:20:31.000 We perceive dogs to be cute and cuddly.

02:20:34.000 We perceive crickets to be gross and dirty.

02:20:37.000 Yes. 0.97

02:20:39.000 Cows are gross and dirty. 0.98

02:20:40.000 They're still alive. 0.67

02:20:42.000 Would you be willing to eat a bug?

02:20:45.000 If you're not willing to eat a deer, would you be willing to eat a bug?

02:20:50.000 A live bug?

02:20:52.000 No, dead bug.

02:20:52.000 Dead bug.

02:20:54.000 Maybe someone who's vegetarian and they do it for ethical reasons or they have a concern.

02:20:58.000 Here's the thing about bugs.

02:21:00.000 They don't have a lot of meat, so I feel like I'm eating just little skeleton.

02:21:04.000 You are eating a lot of skeleton.

02:21:05.000 I feel like I'm eating a skeleton and not like a meat that I can sort of disassociate from their head.

02:21:10.000 It's far away from their head. 0.99

02:21:11.000 But that skeleton, when you grind that shit up, it's actually pretty high in protein. 1.00

02:21:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:21:14.000 No, it's bone. 0.99

02:21:15.000 I mean, yeah, but there's something just kind of...

02:21:22.000 Sorry to bring this back to the way we're designed.

02:21:24.000 I think that we're designed to squirm at bugs.

02:21:27.000 Because everyone squirms at bugs because I think they carry diseases.

02:21:30.000 They poison more than diseases.

02:21:33.000 So we've evolved to go to bugs, which has probably saved a lot of our lives.

02:21:37.000 You know that we're not running around eating them since they're...

02:21:40.000 Other than Lyme disease and malaria.

02:21:42.000 Malaria is a giant one, of course.

02:21:43.000 What else do mosquitoes carry? 0.72

02:21:46.000 What other diseases do bugs have? 0.84

02:21:47.000 Well, a lot of people are allergic to bees, wasps, stuff like that.

02:21:51.000 There's spiders, black widow spiders.

02:21:54.000 Sure, those are poisons.

02:21:55.000 Oh yeah, sorry.

02:21:56.000 But like diseases.

02:21:58.000 Lyme disease is a big one.

02:21:59.000 Malaria is the biggest. 0.85

02:22:01.000 Malaria has killed a fuckload of people. 0.99

02:22:03.000 Yeah. 0.65

02:22:03.000 I have a buddy who's got malaria right now for the second time. 0.65

02:22:06.000 What about like Zika and shit? 0.99

02:22:06.000 Not Zika. 0.99

02:22:07.000 What was the one before that?

02:22:08.000 Zika. 0.64

02:22:08.000 Yeah. 0.64

02:22:09.000 Zika? 0.99

02:22:09.000 Z-I-K? How do you say it? 0.99

02:22:10.000 Do you say Zika or Zika?

02:22:12.000 Whatever it is.

02:22:13.000 I watch, you know, I saw it on Fox News.

02:22:15.000 I have a friend who wouldn't go to Mexico because of it.

02:22:18.000 They were scared.

02:22:19.000 What's the other one that was before that?

02:22:20.000 Not anthrax.

02:22:21.000 It was just happening.

02:22:22.000 Ebola.

02:22:22.000 What was that?

02:22:23.000 That's from spit. 0.70

02:22:25.000 Is it?

02:22:25.000 I thought so.

02:22:26.000 From monkeys. 1.00

02:22:26.000 Somebody fucked a monkey, right? 1.00

02:22:27.000 That's right. 1.00

02:22:28.000 It's always monkeys.

02:22:29.000 Oh, here's the diseases that come from bugs.

02:22:32.000 Ooh, boy, there's a lot.

02:22:33.000 Yeah, it's not...

02:22:35.000 Chagas. 0.81

02:22:35.000 Oh, yeah, of course, like foot and mouth disease, or what's... 0.81

02:22:37.000 Look at this one.

02:22:40.000 Chagas disease, and look at the vector.

02:22:42.000 Various assassin bugs.

02:22:44.000 Fever, lung, heart, or mucus membrane symptoms. 0.98

02:22:48.000 What the fuck's an assassin bug? 0.98

02:22:51.000 Have you ever heard of an assassin bug? 1.00

02:22:53.000 And can I eat one?

02:22:54.000 Well, look at this.

02:22:56.000 Mild symptoms, then chronic heart or brain inflammation. 1.00

02:22:59.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:23:01.000 It starts out mild. 1.00

02:23:02.000 Assassin bug, relative of the ninja bug.

02:23:04.000 Whoa. 0.59

02:23:05.000 Plague, flea.

02:23:07.000 It's subfamily of triatomine.

02:23:12.000 Ticks. 1.00

02:23:12.000 Oh, ticks are fucking assholes. 1.00

02:23:14.000 Yeah, they're assholes. 1.00

02:23:15.000 Ticks do not give a shit. 1.00

02:23:17.000 Well, they're the biggest... 1.00

02:23:19.000 Biggest argument for decreasing deer population.

02:23:22.000 Yeah.

02:23:23.000 And also reintroduction of predators in the summer areas.

02:23:26.000 Some people are talking about bringing in coyotes and wolves into certain areas.

02:23:30.000 Well, there was at Saved Yellowstone, the reintroduction of wolves, right?

02:23:34.000 No, it didn't really.

02:23:35.000 That's a very controversial subject.

02:23:38.000 Well, it said it changed the shape of the river, right?

02:23:39.000 Yeah, listen, that guy that said that, that guy who made those amazing videos, the wolves changed the course of videos.

02:23:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:23:45.000 That guy, George Montebeault, I think his name is.

02:23:48.000 I forget how to say his last name. 1.00

02:23:50.000 He's fucking crazy. 1.00

02:23:51.000 Really? 1.00

02:23:51.000 Yeah, well, in a good way. 1.00

02:23:53.000 This is like when I found out that the Coney guy was like a pedophile. 0.88

02:23:57.000 Oh, Coney 2012? 0.99

02:23:57.000 That crazy guy that was jerking off the street? 0.99

02:23:58.000 You're breaking my whole heart here. 0.85

02:24:00.000 That guy, he was super depressed and was like suicidal, I guess, and was in his midlife and was like wondering what's the purpose of life and got fascinated by the concept of rewilding.

02:24:13.000 So he got fascinated by this reintroduction of predators, keystone predators, into areas like Yellowstone, which they definitely have their purpose, and they're definitely important to the health of the environment.

02:24:25.000 They kill the weaker of the thing.

02:24:28.000 The problem with things like wolves is they can get overpopulated as well, and someone needs to manage them, and that's where things get weird.

02:24:36.000 So wildlife biologists have established these guidelines.

02:24:38.000 And who manage it?

02:24:39.000 Wildlife biologists.

02:24:40.000 But for humans, though, who killed wolves?

02:24:43.000 Chaos.

02:24:44.000 Chaos.

02:24:44.000 Bugs, maybe.

02:24:45.000 Well, first of all, there was a lot of different animals here.

02:24:48.000 We're talking about, like, 10,000 years prior, there was all these different kinds of animals, like the short-faced bear.

02:24:55.000 A short-nosed or short-faced bear.

02:24:57.000 There was an enormous bear.

02:24:58.000 There was a steppe lion that existed in America like a long time ago that was way bigger than the African lion. 0.99

02:25:05.000 There was all these birds and fucking crazy predators, terror birds. 0.98

02:25:09.000 So when you go back... 0.99

02:25:11.000 Thousands and thousands of years, even millions.

02:25:16.000 There's a bunch of different kinds of wolves.

02:25:18.000 Some wolves, like the gray wolves, they left North America and migrated across the Bering Strait.

02:25:24.000 Then the red wolves and some of the other wolves stayed.

02:25:27.000 That's why those wolves, those are the ones that interbreed with coyotes.

02:25:31.000 A coyote is actually a wolf.

02:25:33.000 A coyote is a kind of wolf.

02:25:34.000 A coyote is what's called, they used to call them prairie wolves.

02:25:37.000 Okay.

02:25:38.000 There's a guy named Dan Flores who has this amazing paper that he wrote called Bison Ecology and Bison Diplomacy.

02:25:49.000 And really groundbreaking paper on bisons and livestock and wild animals, rather, that live in North America or lived in North America.

02:25:59.000 But he wrote this new book on coyotes.

02:26:02.000 Coyotes and just what the plains used to be like.

02:26:05.000 This George guy, this Montabayat guy, however you say his name is, the Wolves Change River guys.

02:26:11.000 He wants to reintroduce megafauna to Europe, like lions, because he's saying that at one point in time lions and hyenas used to live in Europe and that we could use these large segments of unused land and let these animals loose and reintroduce them to this area. 1.00

02:26:27.000 He's out of his fucking mind. 0.99

02:26:28.000 That sounds like a horrible idea. 1.00

02:26:30.000 Well, it's engineering.

02:26:32.000 So he doesn't want to just take an animal that was extirpated because of human intervention.

02:26:38.000 Wolves were taken out of the...

02:26:40.000 Wolves were poisoned.

02:26:41.000 This is what they used to do.

02:26:42.000 They used to take a carcass, they would shoot a buffalo, and while the animal was still barely alive, They would inject strychnine into its arteries.

02:26:52.000 That way the poison would get through all of the meat.

02:26:55.000 Then they would take a wolf that they shot and they would rub its scent all over this carcass so that the wolves knew that other wolves had been there so it was safe.

02:27:05.000 Oh, yeah.

02:27:05.000 And they knew it was dead.

02:27:06.000 It was a dead carcass, so they would eat it. 1.00

02:27:09.000 And they would kill them.

02:27:09.000 And they almost extinguished wolves.

02:27:12.000 Almost, like, came really close to extinguishing wolves in North America.

02:27:16.000 They couldn't do that with a coyote, though. 0.99

02:27:18.000 Coyotes are too fucking smart. 0.99

02:27:19.000 They're too clever. 1.00

02:27:20.000 They're so fucking clever. 0.99

02:27:21.000 Well, it's because of wolves. 0.99

02:27:23.000 It's because the gray wolves, when they returned to North America, they were killing coyotes.

02:27:28.000 So the red wolves were interbreeding with coyotes, but the gray wolves were killing them.

02:27:32.000 So the coyotes learned to adapt to the gray wolves.

02:27:35.000 So they learned to move to the furthest areas.

02:27:38.000 They also, when you hear coyotes yell, they're doing a roll call.

02:27:42.000 They're trying to find who's there.

02:27:42.000 And when they find out that someone's missing, it triggers the females to have larger litters.

02:27:49.000 What?

02:27:49.000 I want to send you this podcast.

02:27:52.000 Fascinating.

02:27:53.000 This podcast with Dan Flores. 1.00

02:27:55.000 It's going to blow your fucking mind. 1.00

02:27:56.000 I had coyotes burrowing in my yard. 1.00

02:27:58.000 And I have dogs.

02:28:00.000 Burrowing?

02:28:00.000 They had dens.

02:28:02.000 They made dens in the back of my yard. 0.59

02:28:03.000 Because I have land and then I have this part up top that I don't really go up that much. 0.99

02:28:07.000 And my dog used to just come back with fucking like... 0.99

02:28:10.000 Half-bleed. 0.99

02:28:11.000 I was like, what is going on up there?

02:28:12.000 They got attacked by coyotes?

02:28:13.000 I think what she did, I think that she's a...

02:28:16.000 I have two now.

02:28:17.000 One's even bigger, but one's a pit bull.

02:28:18.000 I think what she did was she would chase one, and then it would go under the... 0.98

02:28:22.000 Because you realize they're vampires.

02:28:23.000 They can fly.

02:28:24.000 I mean, they can clear...

02:28:26.000 Do you realize to get a coyote fence in your yard, it has to go three feet into the ground and seven feet tall.

02:28:30.000 They can jump six feet.

02:28:32.000 I've seen it.

02:28:33.000 Coyote stole my chicken, and I watched him jump over the fence with a chicken in his mouth.

02:28:37.000 Do you realize that Coyote stole a baby in, I think, Arizona off of a porch? 1.00

02:28:40.000 I mean, they're fucking barbarians. 1.00

02:28:43.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:28:43.000 And my two encounters, one time they were drinking out of my pool, and I came outside, and I literally opened the door, and they just looked at me like, what? 0.99

02:28:51.000 Whoa.

02:28:51.000 I had to chase them, okay?

02:28:53.000 And I saw one jump over my fence.

02:28:55.000 It was like, I mean, it's gotta be five, six feet tall.

02:28:58.000 I mean, it's tall.

02:28:58.000 They just go boing!

02:28:59.000 And I literally, it's a cartoon fucking Wile E. Coyote. 0.99

02:29:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:29:02.000 And then I was like, oh god, I gotta call animal control. 0.99

02:29:04.000 I'm gonna have this fucking dead, broken coyote on the other side. 0.99

02:29:06.000 And I go on the other side, it's just gone. 0.99

02:29:07.000 It just flew off.

02:29:09.000 And, oh, they were explaining to me, I was like, well, look, if there's a coyote, I'm going to hear them, you know, killing my dog, I'll be able to hear it.

02:29:15.000 You know, I'll just leave the door.

02:29:16.000 But he goes, oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.

02:29:18.000 Coyotes work.

02:29:18.000 Coyotes are so cunning.

02:29:20.000 The way that they kill a larger animal is they befriend it first.

02:29:24.000 So it'll play with your dog for 45 minutes and then the other five will descend around it.

02:29:29.000 So it ingratiates. 1.00

02:29:30.000 It knows I need to ingratiate myself with you first and then kill you. 1.00

02:29:34.000 And they tire them out. 0.99

02:29:36.000 So this happens a lot in Runyon Canyon.

02:29:39.000 People's dogs, they'll just see them chasing a coyote and then the coyotes will just run and run and run until the dog is tired and then everyone will descend. 0.99

02:29:45.000 And they're hungry and they're desperate and they do not give a fuck. 0.98

02:29:49.000 A friend of mine up Doheny was walking his dog, like a small dog, and saw a coyote face to face and picked up his dog and had to flex on it to get it to run away. 0.99

02:30:00.000 Started walking again back to his house.

02:30:01.000 He's like 20 feet from his house.

02:30:03.000 He turned around.

02:30:03.000 The coyote had come back with four other coyotes.

02:30:06.000 Jesus Christ.

02:30:07.000 Like, they are just fearless.

02:30:09.000 And they live amongst us. 1.00

02:30:11.000 They're these creepy little fucking monsters that live amongst us. 1.00

02:30:13.000 I mean, I have, like, compassion for them. 1.00

02:30:15.000 If it's between my dog and a coyote, I'll, you know, kill a coyote with my, like, hands.

02:30:20.000 But it's really sad when you're like, yeah, dude, I'm so sorry. 1.00

02:30:23.000 This was your fucking house. 0.99

02:30:25.000 But it's not. 1.00

02:30:26.000 It's never been.

02:30:27.000 Really?

02:30:27.000 No one owns it.

02:30:28.000 It's just constant domination.

02:30:30.000 The rats didn't own it.

02:30:31.000 They were killing rats.

02:30:31.000 It's the rat's house.

02:30:32.000 The coyotes are killing the rats.

02:30:34.000 They're stealing the rat's house.

02:30:34.000 Someone recently was trying to convince me that rats are really smart.

02:30:37.000 Rats are pretty smart, but coyotes eat them. 0.99

02:30:38.000 If we didn't have coyotes, we would have way more rats. 0.97

02:30:42.000 We would have a huge rodent problem all throughout Los Angeles.

02:30:45.000 I have rats in my pool all the time.

02:30:46.000 There's a balance.

02:30:47.000 There's a balance that has to be achieved, and that's why wolves are really important.

02:30:51.000 The people that think that we should re-extripate wolves and wipe them out, definitely not.

02:30:55.000 Yeah.

02:30:56.000 If you look at some of the things that have happened...

02:30:58.000 Do wolves kill coyotes? 0.95

02:30:59.000 Yes.

02:31:00.000 Gray wolves do.

02:31:01.000 Gray wolves.

02:31:01.000 Gray wolves don't interbreed with coyotes, but red wolves do.

02:31:05.000 So gray wolves kill coyotes.

02:31:06.000 So where they've reintroduced wolves, that's another interesting thing about Yellowstone.

02:31:10.000 They reintroduced the wolves to Yellowstone.

02:31:12.000 They dropped the coyote population down 50% because the gray wolves were killing the coyotes.

02:31:17.000 But because when you kill coyotes and do the roll call thing, the females have larger litters. 0.99

02:31:21.000 They rebounded and now are more coyotes in Yellowstone than were before they reintroduced the wolves. 0.99

02:31:28.000 They're so fucking adaptive. 0.96

02:31:31.000 They're amazing. 0.97

02:31:32.000 Well, I mean, I also just love that dogs were wolves once.

02:31:35.000 And coyotes.

02:31:37.000 Coyotes can still breed with dogs just like wolves can.

02:31:40.000 Yeah, it's just survival of the friendliest.

02:31:41.000 They realize like, oh, and then so wolves evolved to be dogs and then realized to protect us they could survive.

02:31:48.000 And now they protect us against wolves.

02:31:50.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:31:51.000 How the fuck did that ever happen, too? 0.97

02:31:53.000 There was a Neil deGrasse Tyson did in his Cosmos. 0.98

02:31:56.000 He did that thing about it that was kind of short. 0.98

02:31:58.000 Sort of, but I mean, you're still like, God damn it. 0.97

02:32:01.000 How did it become a poodle? 1.00

02:32:02.000 How the fuck did the wolf become a poodle? 0.99

02:32:04.000 Why does it have an afro? 1.00

02:32:06.000 It was like a genetic mutation that we really latched onto.

02:32:09.000 Well, I think it's also the cutest ones are the ones that survived.

02:32:12.000 Of course.

02:32:12.000 Floppy ears.

02:32:14.000 Yeah, cute, sweet, and the ugly ones are the ones that got weeded out.

02:32:18.000 Yeah.

02:32:18.000 But the balance that this George Montabiot, I think that's how you say his name, like his take on Wolves' journey, like the people love that video because he's English and he's got a beautiful voice and it's a fascinating story and it's interesting.

02:32:34.000 He speeds it up and puts...

02:32:35.000 Well, there's a lot of truth to what he's saying.

02:32:37.000 It's important to have keystone predators because they keep the populations of these game animals, like wild undulates, they keep them healthy because they control them.

02:32:47.000 But when wolves get too populated, they get crazy and they do what they call surplus killing.

02:32:54.000 They killed 19 elk recently in Wyoming and they didn't eat any of them.

02:32:58.000 They just went on this butchering run and just killed.

02:33:00.000 If they come over the top of a hill and they see a herd of elk, have you ever seen a herd of elk?

02:33:05.000 They're amazing.

02:33:06.000 Sometimes they're huge.

02:33:07.000 Sometimes a herd of elk could be 100, 200 strong, and it's amazing.

02:33:11.000 You'll come over a hill.

02:33:12.000 I've only seen maybe 30 of them together, but it's quite a sight.

02:33:17.000 It's amazing.

02:33:18.000 You're like, wow.

02:33:18.000 In Colorado, I saw 30 of them together.

02:33:21.000 And we came over the top of this hill, and we were like, whoa, whoa.

02:33:26.000 And there's this herd of wild, you know, 500 to 1,000 pound forest cows that are wandering.

02:33:34.000 Look, there's a good...

02:33:36.000 I saw a moose in Jackson Hole, and I was like...

02:33:39.000 That's rare, because those are all bulls.

02:33:41.000 Yeah, I was going to say, there's females around. 1.00

02:33:44.000 You saw wolves?

02:33:45.000 I saw moose.

02:33:47.000 Oh, moose. 0.80

02:33:47.000 And the guy that was... 0.80

02:33:49.000 We were doing a little thing on the...

02:33:50.000 It's called the Snake River?

02:33:52.000 I don't know, Jackson Hole?

02:33:53.000 He was explaining how moose kill bears.

02:33:56.000 Or kick them. 1.00

02:33:57.000 It's so fucked up. 1.00

02:33:59.000 I think he said there was a video somewhere of it. 1.00

02:34:02.000 I'm too terrified to look at it.

02:34:03.000 That they wait because they obviously can't fight the thing.

02:34:07.000 They wait till the bear is running up on them and they just wait, wait, wait at the last minute.

02:34:12.000 Just basically knock their head off their bodies.

02:34:14.000 15% of all wolves that die get killed by moose. 0.94

02:34:17.000 That's amazing.

02:34:19.000 Yeah, 15%.

02:34:19.000 That's the mortality rate of wolves.

02:34:22.000 That's fucking crazy. 1.00

02:34:24.000 Yeah, moose don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:34:26.000 They don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:34:26.000 I also didn't realize how big and... 1.00

02:34:28.000 I mean, they're just like tanks.

02:34:30.000 Yeah.

02:34:30.000 Oh my god.

02:34:31.000 And they're fast.

02:34:32.000 Yeah.

02:34:33.000 Oh, they're huge.

02:34:33.000 Yeah, you're just like, what is that?

02:34:35.000 The first time I saw one, we were hunting them in BC and we saw this female and it was like that scene in Jurassic Park when Jeff Goldblum sees the dinosaur for the first time.

02:34:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:34:43.000 We were like maybe like five or six hundred yards away from them and we opened up the window and looked outside and went, Fuck! 0.99

02:34:50.000 They were huge. 0.99

02:34:51.000 They were just wandering through this field.

02:34:53.000 And they're living in a dark, dark place where we found one that had been killed, a calf that had been killed by wolves.

02:34:59.000 And it had been killed hours earlier.

02:35:01.000 It was fairly fresh.

02:35:02.000 And it was a crazy scene.

02:35:04.000 I put it up on Instagram.

02:35:05.000 And it's such a strange scene because there's this carcass, but there's hair everywhere.

02:35:11.000 Yeah.

02:35:11.000 Like everywhere, they just tear it apart.

02:35:12.000 In movies, they never show the hair.

02:35:15.000 See if you can find it, Jamie.

02:35:16.000 It's like probably a year old.

02:35:18.000 It's an old Instagram picture.

02:35:20.000 But the picture was – when we got there because we saw these crows circling.

02:35:27.000 It was all crows.

02:35:28.000 And they were squawking.

02:35:29.000 And we walked up on it.

02:35:31.000 And we found this thing just devastated.

02:35:33.000 But it's – So eerie to think that there's these wild roaming... 1.00

02:35:37.000 Canadian wolves are just wild as fuck. 1.00

02:35:39.000 They've never been extirpated. 1.00

02:35:40.000 These are the same wolves that they brought into Yellowstone were actually Canadian wolves.

02:35:45.000 The gray North American, United States gray wolves were actually smaller than the ones they brought from Canada.

02:35:51.000 Because mammals, when mammals come from colder climates, they have larger bodies.

02:35:56.000 That's why moose...

02:35:57.000 From our fat...

02:35:58.000 Again, this is a bear. 0.90

02:36:02.000 Gangster. 1.00

02:36:03.000 Gangster as fuck. 1.00

02:36:04.000 There's barbed wire on the fence. 1.00

02:36:06.000 This thing climbed at 12 foot high.

02:36:07.000 They don't know how it did it.

02:36:08.000 Climbed a 12 foot high fence. 1.00

02:36:10.000 Can you imagine being that fucking koala bear? 1.00

02:36:12.000 Oh, God. 1.00

02:36:13.000 Just seeing that thing like, huh?

02:36:15.000 I thought I was in the zoo. 0.97

02:36:17.000 I thought I was fucking safe. 1.00

02:36:18.000 That thing should be in the fucking zoo. 1.00

02:36:20.000 Like, why is that thing out running around? 1.00

02:36:22.000 How did that get out?

02:36:22.000 Like, so it got out.

02:36:23.000 No. 1.00

02:36:24.000 Fuck that. 1.00

02:36:24.000 It didn't get out. 1.00

02:36:25.000 It got in.

02:36:26.000 I mean, it lives.

02:36:28.000 It's an L.A. celebrity even before becoming a lead suspect in koala killing.

02:36:32.000 Just a month or so ago.

02:36:33.000 Someone told me it got poisoned.

02:36:35.000 No, it's pretty recently.

02:36:36.000 Just scroll back.

02:36:37.000 You just missed it.

02:36:37.000 Does it have a collar on?

02:36:39.000 Yeah, March.

02:36:39.000 Because they're tracking it, right?

02:36:41.000 Yeah.

02:36:41.000 Oh yeah, it's got a collar.

02:36:42.000 Yeah, they are tracking it.

02:36:44.000 His name is P22. Maybe this was a different one?

02:36:47.000 You say you gave him a name like he's a fucking prisoner. 0.99

02:36:48.000 How about give him a name? 0.99

02:36:49.000 Can we call him Fred?

02:36:50.000 Before I... Oh, God.

02:36:53.000 Don't show it to me.

02:36:53.000 They discovered one of their oldest koalas was missing.

02:36:55.000 Oh, stop! 0.95

02:36:57.000 You're sad that the mountain lion killed the koala bear? 1.00

02:36:59.000 Koala bears, they're not even from the same fucking continent. 1.00

02:37:02.000 Koala bears are a bunch of rapists, though. 1.00

02:37:04.000 Yeah, but what a fucking... 1.00

02:37:06.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

02:37:07.000 This koala's never seen a fucking mountain lion in its life, probably. 0.99

02:37:11.000 Oh, no, definitely not. 1.00

02:37:12.000 And it's like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:37:13.000 Well, you probably saw that one a few times. 1.00

02:37:14.000 That was like some Game of Thrones shit. 0.99

02:37:16.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

02:37:17.000 But before the fake poisoning of it, maybe I'm conflating it with something else.

02:37:22.000 Well, there's probably other ones that have been eaten poison or something.

02:37:24.000 There's a lot of them. 0.99

02:37:24.000 Because they were saying, stop putting poison out on your lawn because fucking, you know... 0.99

02:37:29.000 You're going to kill monsters? 1.00

02:37:30.000 Yeah, you're going to kill these awesome... 1.00

02:37:33.000 Broken murderers. 0.99

02:37:35.000 Okay, so a friend of mine was hiking in Griffith Park, and her dog came back covered in innards, like deer innards.

02:37:42.000 I mean, literally had entrails wrapped around its nose.

02:37:48.000 And the mountain lion had killed deer, and the dog rolled around in it.

02:37:53.000 Why does a dog roll around in a dead animal?

02:37:56.000 They always do that.

02:37:57.000 They'll find a dead squirrel and they'll roll.

02:37:59.000 My dogs would do that. 0.70

02:37:59.000 Is it to get the scent on it? 0.70

02:38:01.000 I'm not really sure.

02:38:02.000 Because it actually makes me think it would make another animal want to attack you if you smell like blood and deer innards.

02:38:08.000 I think they know you're not dead.

02:38:10.000 But I do know my dog...

02:38:13.000 Look at him.

02:38:13.000 I'm just going to pretend like I'm a dead body.

02:38:15.000 It's awesome.

02:38:16.000 It's the same outline.

02:38:16.000 It got poisoned but it didn't die.

02:38:18.000 Oh! 0.60

02:38:19.000 Okay, so I'm not a total...

02:38:20.000 A poster cat for California's rat poison problem.

02:38:23.000 Well, you know, there's two options.

02:38:25.000 You poison the rats or you invite more coyotes to live near your house.

02:38:29.000 You know, they say when they eat dogs...

02:38:30.000 It's a real catch-22.

02:38:32.000 It's also in the Dan Flores podcast.

02:38:33.000 He talks about how when they eat dogs, they're not really eating dogs because they want to eat them for like a meal as much as they want to eliminate predators. 0.99

02:38:42.000 Like competing predators, especially cats, because most of what they eat, like coyotes eat a lot of bugs, they eat a lot of grasshoppers, they eat a lot of rats, they eat a lot of rodents, rabbits, but the cats compete with them, because cats are a Fucking murderers. 0.98

02:38:59.000 I know, but they... 0.99

02:39:00.000 I posted this shit about how many cats... 0.99

02:39:02.000 Did you see that off my Instagram page? 1.00

02:39:03.000 This article that I posted about how many fucking birds and mammals cats kill in the U.S. alone every year. 0.99

02:39:10.000 Just cat, like... 0.99

02:39:10.000 Just house cats? 0.99

02:39:11.000 Little cats?

02:39:11.000 House cats.

02:39:12.000 Yeah.

02:39:13.000 Billions.

02:39:15.000 Billions.

02:39:16.000 In the B. Look at this.

02:39:17.000 Responsible for the deaths of 1.4 to 3.7 billion birds and 6.9 to 20.7 billion mammals every year in the United States.

02:39:27.000 What kind of mammals?

02:39:28.000 Squirrels?

02:39:28.000 Rodents.

02:39:29.000 Squirrels.

02:39:29.000 Whatever.

02:39:31.000 When I was a kid, I had this cat, and he killed a squirrel, and he was walking.

02:39:37.000 We lived across the street from this park, and this cat killed this squirrel and had it in between his...

02:39:43.000 He bit it on its neck and had its body underneath his body, so he's walking with it like this.

02:39:50.000 Oh, like Weekend at Bernie's?

02:39:51.000 Like dragging it.

02:39:53.000 But he's holding on to it and like...

02:39:55.000 Having to walk around the...

02:39:57.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:39:57.000 Yeah, we called it Kitty.

02:39:59.000 Like, my cat was named Kitty.

02:40:00.000 Like, that was his name.

02:40:02.000 Like, I had a name for him.

02:40:03.000 I named him like Conan the Barbarian in the comic books.

02:40:06.000 Had like a lion that he has...

02:40:08.000 Or he had a jaguar as a pet.

02:40:10.000 I forget what his name was.

02:40:11.000 I named it that. 1.00

02:40:12.000 My parents were like, shut the fuck up. 0.99

02:40:14.000 So no one in my house called it that but me. 0.99

02:40:17.000 So his name was Kitty.

02:40:18.000 But Kitty was like, I had a big black cat.

02:40:20.000 Cats are sociopaths. 0.99

02:40:21.000 He was a murderer. 0.99

02:40:22.000 Did you ever see when Tippi Hedren came out? 1.00

02:40:26.000 Because remember she raised lions and Melanie Griffin grew up with lions and shit in the house? 0.99

02:40:30.000 Oh yeah, I heard about that. 0.99

02:40:31.000 Google Tippi Hedren, lions. 1.00

02:40:33.000 Yeah, what the fuck? 0.99

02:40:34.000 And she recently came out and was like, that was a horrible idea. 1.00

02:40:37.000 That was a mistake.

02:40:38.000 Duh.

02:40:38.000 That was super dangerous.

02:40:40.000 Like, one of them, I think, cut...

02:40:41.000 Melanie Griffin had to have surgery on it because one of them pawed her. 1.00

02:40:44.000 Like, yeah, so she grew up with these things in her house.

02:40:47.000 That's Melanie Griffin.

02:40:48.000 Nope, that's Tippi Hedren, her mom. 1.00

02:40:50.000 What kind of crazy bitch has a fucking pet lion? 1.00

02:40:53.000 No, she had tons of them. 1.00

02:40:55.000 Here, keep going and you'll see more and more.

02:40:58.000 So how do they do that and not get killed? 1.00

02:41:00.000 These motherfuckers... 1.00

02:41:01.000 Well, you have to raise them from infancy. 1.00

02:41:03.000 Look at their...

02:41:04.000 I mean, they have...

02:41:04.000 They're a tiger.

02:41:05.000 Well, because they're part of a pack or like a pride, I guess it would be.

02:41:08.000 But what if they just decide to play with you or just get mad at you and swap you?

02:41:12.000 At any moment.

02:41:13.000 Look.

02:41:14.000 Look at him, pawing on the kid's head.

02:41:16.000 They could, and they did, so they tried to make a movie out of it, and one of the cameramen got his face ripped off, and they were like, never mind.

02:41:23.000 This is the anxiety just watching this. 0.83

02:41:25.000 I know, because you know that they're sociopathic.

02:41:27.000 Well, they're not sociopathic, they're just natural.

02:41:30.000 Look, they have all of these reward mechanisms that are built into their DNA. They feel good when they chase after things and kill them. 0.78

02:41:39.000 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 0.97

02:41:39.000 They need to hunt. 0.97

02:41:40.000 That's part of the problem with zoos, is that these things, it's like extracting a guy's cum, you know, through a straw. 0.99

02:41:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:41:49.000 You know, like, oh, I know you need to get rid of your cum, so we're going to take it through your straw, but you're still horny. 1.00

02:41:53.000 Does that make sense? 0.99

02:41:54.000 Yes, it's part of the hunting.

02:41:57.000 I'm with you.

02:41:57.000 I'm actually with you on that.

02:41:59.000 This is crazy.

02:41:59.000 It's crazy.

02:42:00.000 It's fucking crazy. 1.00

02:42:01.000 And she came out recently and was like, never mind. 0.99

02:42:04.000 I really don't endorse doing that.

02:42:05.000 How did she get rid of the lions when they got older? 0.99

02:42:08.000 She still has them.

02:42:09.000 You know what?

02:42:09.000 I was trying to organize going to her, because she has a sanctuary.

02:42:14.000 And she tries to raise money to save lions.

02:42:16.000 I mean, because you know now, like in Africa, there's more animals in captivity than there are in the wild.

02:42:19.000 Like, it's such a problem.

02:42:21.000 Well, yes, but.

02:42:23.000 But.

02:42:23.000 That captivity, we're talking about high fence operations that are sometimes 100,000 plus acres.

02:42:29.000 Yeah.

02:42:29.000 Many, many, many square miles.

02:42:30.000 So you look at the actual range that a lion would inhabit, and oftentimes it's much smaller than what we're calling captivity.

02:42:38.000 So I don't say captivity as like a pejorative way.

02:42:41.000 It's like they're not safe.

02:42:42.000 Well, they're fenced in. 0.99

02:42:44.000 See, one of the fucking crazy Catch-22s about Africa is that... 1.00

02:42:49.000 Do you know Louis Theroux? 0.99

02:42:50.000 Oh, yeah!

02:42:51.000 I've listened to him on your show.

02:42:53.000 Did you watch his documentary on African hunting? 0.98

02:42:56.000 It's fucking crazy, but many of the animals that people hunt in Africa... 0.98

02:43:02.000 We're very close to extinction just a few decades ago. 0.99

02:43:06.000 When they put value on them and they set up these hunting camps, now they're in abundance.

02:43:11.000 They're in higher populations than ever before, but they're in higher populations because people go over there to hunt them.

02:43:17.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:43:17.000 So they have these places where you go and it's kind of fucked up. 0.98

02:43:20.000 Like there's a waterhole. 0.87

02:43:21.000 You sit in front of a waterhole.

02:43:22.000 They have a blind.

02:43:22.000 You hide in the blind.

02:43:23.000 Animal comes out and you shoot it.

02:43:26.000 Is that hunting?

02:43:27.000 It's all trapped in a...

02:43:27.000 Well...

02:43:28.000 I mean, it is and it isn't.

02:43:30.000 Is it?

02:43:30.000 I mean...

02:43:31.000 It is and it isn't.

02:43:31.000 It's certainly not like...

02:43:33.000 That's target practice.

02:43:34.000 It's more that than anything else.

02:43:36.000 So is it better to go and get a steak from an animal that lived in captivity, or is it better to shoot an animal as it goes to get water?

02:43:47.000 Well, it's not as good as going to the woods. 1.00

02:43:49.000 Like, you go into the woods, you go shoot a wild elk, that elk might not even know what a fucking person is and hopefully doesn't even see you coming and you shoot it and kill it. 0.99

02:43:58.000 That's like the ultimate goal is to instantaneously end this wild existence that if you didn't kill it, it would be killed by bears or wolves or something else. 1.00

02:44:08.000 That's the idea.

02:44:09.000 Or they freeze to death or they kill each other. 0.81

02:44:11.000 There's a lot of killing each other.

02:44:13.000 These antlers, they're not like for digging for fruit. 0.92

02:44:17.000 No, no, no. 1.00

02:44:18.000 They stab each other with those fucking things. 1.00

02:44:19.000 That's why they have them. 1.00

02:44:20.000 They're not for handing each other grapes.

02:44:21.000 I mean, that's why they have them.

02:44:22.000 You see this deer?

02:44:23.000 That's why he has it. 0.75

02:44:24.000 To kill other deer. 1.00

02:44:25.000 So he can get all the pussy. 1.00

02:44:26.000 That's literally what it's there for. 1.00

02:44:28.000 It's a knife that grows out of your head.

02:44:30.000 So it's not that.

02:44:31.000 But what's crazy is...

02:44:34.000 These animals were worth nothing and they were being slaughtered by poachers. 1.00

02:44:38.000 And then you go, well, these poachers, man, that's fucked up. 1.00

02:44:41.000 Yes, but... 1.00

02:44:42.000 They're really fucking poor. 1.00

02:44:44.000 They're really poor. 1.00

02:44:45.000 So what do you do about that? 0.98

02:44:46.000 Because you have these people that are living over there that they have to risk their lives to try to poach these animals for meat, for food, and then there's the fucking, the horrible trade, like rhino horns and things along those lines. 0.90

02:44:57.000 But it's also, it's like, you can't just say, I mean, it's like, you know, saying to a drug addict, stop doing heroin. 0.94

02:45:02.000 It's like, we have to replace it with something.

02:45:03.000 Either narcotics are anonymous or another drug or something. 0.96

02:45:06.000 It's like, you can't say stop poaching without, like, okay, there's no other way to fucking make money. 0.70

02:45:10.000 Right, exactly. 0.86

02:45:10.000 The poverty is insane. 0.86

02:45:12.000 I have had friends that have gone over to Africa, and one of the things that they say is, like my friend Justin Wren, he goes to the Congo, he stays there for months at a time, and he's building wells over there.

02:45:24.000 He's an amazing guy.

02:45:24.000 He's the guy who just got malaria for the second time.

02:45:27.000 It's like, you don't even understand what poverty is until you see how these people live, these poor people.

02:45:32.000 So, I don't blame them for poaching.

02:45:35.000 I mean, if it's between selling a rhino horn and feeding your child...

02:45:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:45:43.000 It's like, fuck, man. 1.00

02:45:43.000 And they're not online looking at the statistics about animals. 1.00

02:45:46.000 No.

02:45:47.000 They're literally, it's just kill or be killed. 0.99

02:45:49.000 They're barely making it. 0.98

02:45:51.000 They're barely making it.

02:45:52.000 I mean, I'm 100% against killing rhinos for their horns.

02:45:56.000 Make no mistake about it. 0.96

02:45:57.000 I think it's horrible and it's disgusting.

02:45:58.000 But these people that we're calling poachers, you add that pejorative, you give them that label, and you take away what they really are.

02:46:07.000 If they could sell drugs, they'd be doing that. 0.98

02:46:08.000 They're poor people.

02:46:10.000 They're desperate poor people.

02:46:11.000 And they're not making that much money.

02:46:13.000 The people who actually kill the rhino, they're not making much money. 0.93

02:46:16.000 They're making a few hundred dollars or whatever the fuck they can get. 0.97

02:46:19.000 They're selling it to someone else, and that other person is making a fuckload of money. 0.99

02:46:23.000 And it's all gross. 0.97

02:46:24.000 It's all gross and it's all scary. 0.99

02:46:26.000 But the Louis Theroux documentary does the best job of highlighting how fucked it is over there. 0.99

02:46:32.000 And it's one of the things that the guy who runs the camp says to him. 0.98

02:46:35.000 Because Louis is like constantly pastoring him, badgering him.

02:46:38.000 Why are you doing...

02:46:40.000 He's like giving him all these questions.

02:46:42.000 And finally the guy snaps. 1.00

02:46:43.000 And he's like, Avrica is fucked. 1.00

02:46:46.000 You don't understand. 1.00

02:46:47.000 Avrica is fucked. 1.00

02:46:49.000 He goes, if these fucking animals are not worth something, they'd be gone. 1.00

02:46:53.000 Do you understand this? 1.00

02:46:54.000 Oh, wow.

02:46:56.000 And it's like this really crazy...

02:46:58.000 Moment where you realize the problem is not as simple as why do people want to go over there and hunt?

02:47:04.000 The problem is this breakdown of what we call civilization in this area where you have people that are impossibly poor and they're surrounded by animals and the only value around them is those animals.

02:47:18.000 It's so crazy.

02:47:19.000 It's so crazy. 1.00

02:47:20.000 So fucking crazy. 1.00

02:47:22.000 So it's either you're involved in the tourism business that has people coming to look at these animals or you just have to fucking kill them for what they have. 1.00

02:47:29.000 Right, and by the way, the tourism industry is not as fucking profitable as the honey industry. 0.99

02:47:33.000 No, no, no. 0.90

02:47:33.000 It's just not. 0.90

02:47:34.000 Because if you want to go over there and kill a lion, it costs you $50,000. 0.97

02:47:38.000 And what's really fucked up is these lions now in Zimbabwe where that Cecil the lion was killed, they're killing 200 of them. 0.99

02:47:46.000 They're just going to poach them, not poach them, just going to assassinate them. 0.99

02:47:49.000 Because they have too many. 0.87

02:47:50.000 And now the lions are destroying all the undulate population.

02:47:52.000 They had a balance that they had created through hunting.

02:47:55.000 So are lions down there like coyotes or like here? 1.00

02:48:00.000 Well, they're fucking lions. 0.99

02:48:01.000 I mean, look, they're amazing. 1.00

02:48:03.000 Lions are incredible.

02:48:05.000 I saw that thing you posted of the lion. 1.00

02:48:07.000 Look at my fucking phone. 1.00

02:48:08.000 Fucking jumping off that thing. 1.00

02:48:11.000 But look at this. 0.99

02:48:13.000 This is my phone.

02:48:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:48:15.000 I got a fucking lion on my phone. 0.99

02:48:16.000 You have to go to Tippi Hedren's. 0.99

02:48:18.000 I'm fascinated by them.

02:48:20.000 I don't think anybody should shoot lions.

02:48:22.000 I don't want to shoot a lion.

02:48:23.000 I don't think it's cool.

02:48:25.000 But they're a car with teeth.

02:48:27.000 They're terrifying.

02:48:28.000 Yeah.

02:48:28.000 There was a beautiful article that was written by this woman who lived in Zimbabwe right after the Cecil the Lion thing.

02:48:37.000 And it said, in Zimbabwe, we don't cry for lions.

02:48:40.000 And it was explaining how they terrorized her village, how they killed her loved ones, and how people were, when they would go out into the bush, there would be a very real concern that they would be killed by a lion.

02:48:50.000 And it's not that the lion is bad. 0.99

02:48:52.000 It's just that that's what lions fucking do. 1.00

02:48:55.000 That's what they fucking do. 1.00

02:48:56.000 And you can't have too many of them. 0.99

02:48:58.000 You can't.

02:48:59.000 You can't have too many of them.

02:49:00.000 And the only way to control their population is human beings.

02:49:03.000 And so...

02:49:04.000 Well, and it's also, yes, and that thing back to, like, we are not the top of the food chain.

02:49:07.000 We're just not.

02:49:08.000 We're not.

02:49:09.000 Very simple.

02:49:10.000 But we are.

02:49:11.000 But we are.

02:49:11.000 With a weapon, we are.

02:49:13.000 With a caveat.

02:49:13.000 Yeah, with a huge caveat.

02:49:15.000 With it, you have to be able to, first of all, know how to shoot a fight. 0.98

02:49:18.000 Like me and that machete or fucking samurai sword, I'm not the top of the food chain. 0.99

02:49:23.000 I don't know how to fucking use most of the weapons out there. 0.99

02:49:26.000 If you had a drunk person who couldn't walk that good, you'd fuck them up with that. 0.99

02:49:31.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

02:49:31.000 It's all depending on what's the level of the threat. 0.99

02:49:34.000 If a lion, since I have no ability to even understand how anxious it would make me to be in a room with a lion, a lion is probably faster than me picking up a gun and shooting it.

02:49:43.000 Oh, yeah.

02:49:44.000 I'm dead by the time I pick it up.

02:49:45.000 Well, you would have to, first of all, not just know how to shoot a gun.

02:49:49.000 You would have to have experience shooting a gun under pressure to manage your anxiety. 0.94

02:49:53.000 And to shoot it. 0.84

02:49:54.000 I went to a shooting range and I was like, kink! 1.00

02:49:56.000 Like, I could not even...

02:49:58.000 How does that go?

02:49:59.000 I was like, kink! 0.99

02:50:00.000 Like, it was ridiculous. 0.98

02:50:02.000 That's the best sound effect. 0.99

02:50:03.000 Kink!

02:50:08.000 I was so bad. 0.93

02:50:10.000 I was like shooting guns is really hard.

02:50:12.000 You have to be strong and you have to focus.

02:50:15.000 It's a skill.

02:50:16.000 You have to learn how to do it.

02:50:17.000 Totally.

02:50:17.000 So it's like most of us don't have that skill.

02:50:19.000 But even that skill, you're shooting at a piece of paper that's not going to move and it's not going to attack you.

02:50:25.000 This is a thing that wants to kill me.

02:50:27.000 Exactly. 0.97

02:50:27.000 And that knows how to get around my gun. 0.97

02:50:29.000 But I'm going to go to an intermediate place. 0.98

02:50:31.000 Go from the piece of paper that's not going to attack you and try to shoot a wild pig that you're going to eat.

02:50:39.000 It's nerve-wracking.

02:50:41.000 It's like there's what they call trigger panic or target panic where they're about to shoot and they can't keep their gun steady.

02:50:50.000 It's even more difficult with bow and arrow.

02:50:52.000 You can't.

02:50:53.000 Keep it steady.

02:50:54.000 It's insane.

02:50:56.000 You just want to get it over with. 1.00

02:50:58.000 You just want to shoot it. 0.99

02:50:59.000 What was that noise? 0.99

02:51:04.000 The two of us together.

02:51:06.000 We're going to start to eat my lions. 0.76

02:51:09.000 But there's this panic where you just want to get it over with.

02:51:13.000 You're so overwhelmed.

02:51:14.000 You can't breathe.

02:51:15.000 And you just want to pull the trigger.

02:51:16.000 And most people miss.

02:51:17.000 Like the vast majority of people that bow hunt miss or rifle hunt miss.

02:51:21.000 It's a matter of controlling anxiety.

02:51:24.000 And I'm sure that exists in combat.

02:51:26.000 In the Navy SEALs, one of their training is, you know, they put a bag over their head and take it off and disorient them so that they can quickly focus their eyes.

02:51:33.000 Because when something's moving around, it's just like, it's a muscle to be able to...

02:51:38.000 Well, just dealing with adversity, dealing with anxiety, dealing with the moment is here now.

02:51:44.000 You've been training, you've been preparing, ready, go!

02:51:47.000 Pressure's on.

02:51:48.000 You see that with fighting all the time.

02:51:50.000 There's guys that look amazing in the gym and they get to a fight and they can't perform.

02:51:54.000 Well, you can't really simulate that experience, right?

02:51:57.000 There's no way in practice to really simulate it.

02:51:59.000 Even in practice when you go live, like you have simulated fights.

02:52:05.000 Is that why Mayweather would have an audience and shoot his practices? 1.00

02:52:10.000 And talk a lot of shit. 1.00

02:52:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:52:11.000 Talking shit puts a lot of pressure on you too. 1.00

02:52:13.000 That's a big thing. 1.00

02:52:14.000 Wow.

02:52:15.000 Like guys do that.

02:52:16.000 Bowhunters do that. 1.00

02:52:16.000 They talk shit to each other while they practice. 1.00

02:52:33.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

02:52:37.000 Your heart is fucking pounding. 0.99

02:52:38.000 You can't get any air in. 0.99

02:52:40.000 You freak out. 0.99

02:52:40.000 So it's nothing like that for someone to talk shit, but at least it's better than you being calm. 0.99

02:52:45.000 But it's helping give you anxiety, and poker players do that. 0.99

02:52:49.000 Oh, do they? 0.99

02:52:49.000 Yeah, they fuck with each other and try to throw each other off. 0.99

02:52:53.000 I guess it's probably not the same thing, but it's more to distract them and get in their heads. 0.99

02:52:57.000 Pool players, they call it sharking.

02:52:59.000 That's what a real...

02:53:00.000 A shark is not like, you know, people think, oh, he's a pool shark.

02:53:04.000 That's not what it means in the world of pool players.

02:53:06.000 Someone who's really good at pool, you would say someone who hides it, they're a hustler.

02:53:10.000 Someone who doesn't hide it, they're a player.

02:53:12.000 But what a shark is, is actually a dishonorable thing. 0.98

02:53:15.000 A shark is someone who fucks with you while you're shooting. 0.94

02:53:18.000 Tries to get you to miss. 0.96

02:53:20.000 Like, they might do things on purpose, like drop their cue as you're shooting.

02:53:23.000 Or they might...

02:53:25.000 They might make a noise, try to distract you.

02:53:27.000 That's what's called sharking. 0.97

02:53:30.000 Just to try to psych them out.

02:53:31.000 Is that legal?

02:53:32.000 I don't even know.

02:53:33.000 You can't control someone's vibes.

02:53:35.000 You can have rules where you agree or not agree, but some people just do it.

02:53:39.000 Comics try to do that sometimes, I feel like.

02:53:41.000 Right before you go on, they're like, weird crowd.

02:53:44.000 Well, you're talking about Dove Davidoff and Marc Maron.

02:53:45.000 Well, yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ.

02:53:47.000 That's it.

02:53:48.000 Or that, or the worst is when they're like, great crowd.

02:53:51.000 So if you go on and do well, it's not because you were good, it's just the crowd was good.

02:53:56.000 Well, sometimes it's a good warning, though. 0.99

02:53:58.000 Like, Delia came offstage at the Improv the other night, and he was getting offstage, and I was walking in the room, and he came up, he gave me a hug, and he goes, dude, worst fucking crowd ever. 0.97

02:54:05.000 I'm like, really? 1.00

02:54:06.000 And I was like, maybe for you, bitch. 1.00

02:54:08.000 Yes! 1.00

02:54:08.000 And I went up there, and they were fucking terrible! 1.00

02:54:11.000 That's so weird! 0.99

02:54:13.000 When crowds are weird, it's such a testament to our groupthink. 0.97

02:54:16.000 For a whole crowd to unify as shitty, it's just... 0.88

02:54:20.000 Well, it was really warm in the room, first of all, which is always bad. 0.98

02:54:23.000 Hot, yeah, never good.

02:54:23.000 Yeah, it's like something about hot that makes me like, ugh.

02:54:26.000 What night of the week was it?

02:54:27.000 Wednesday night.

02:54:28.000 Wednesday night's weird too because it's late.

02:54:30.000 You've got to go to work.

02:54:32.000 It's that comedy show.

02:54:34.000 I went on at midnight.

02:54:35.000 No!

02:54:36.000 No!

02:54:38.000 I won't go on past 10 o'clock.

02:54:40.000 I will not go on past 10 o'clock.

02:54:42.000 It's good for you though.

02:54:44.000 I can't.

02:54:45.000 I cannot do it.

02:54:47.000 No.

02:54:47.000 I know.

02:54:48.000 It's just I know what this is.

02:54:49.000 Everyone's tired.

02:54:50.000 They want to go home.

02:54:50.000 They're looking at their check.

02:54:51.000 I'm just like, ugh.

02:54:52.000 They're good.

02:54:53.000 I think those experiences are good in the beginning.

02:54:55.000 I know, but I did that for eight years.

02:54:57.000 Yeah, I agree with you.

02:54:58.000 Like bar shows.

02:54:59.000 Yeah, like I paid the...

02:55:01.000 I mean, no, I used to do stand-up at Lucky Strike on Highland, and I'd have to time my jokes knowing a bowling ball was about to hit some pins.

02:55:09.000 Yeah.

02:55:09.000 I'd be like, and anyway, so then he called me, and then I never called him back.

02:55:13.000 Like, you had to time your jokes.

02:55:15.000 I did a road gig once at a restaurant in Massachusetts where the intercom that the restaurant used to call people's tables was the same system as the microphone that I used on stage.

02:55:27.000 So I'd be in the middle of talking about something.

02:55:29.000 Johnson, party of two, your table's ready. 0.98

02:55:33.000 Fucking great. 0.98

02:55:34.000 It was the only time they ever did comedy there. 0.98

02:55:36.000 I was the only one.

02:55:37.000 It was like a one-person show, too.

02:55:39.000 I just went up there and was like, this is neat.

02:55:40.000 There used to be...

02:55:40.000 Do you remember Miyagi's on Sunset?

02:55:42.000 Oh, yeah.

02:55:43.000 Oh, yeah.

02:55:44.000 You literally do...

02:55:44.000 It's a sushi restaurant.

02:55:45.000 It's not there anymore.

02:55:46.000 You would do...

02:55:47.000 There was like a stage...

02:55:48.000 It's like a pink taco now, is that what it is?

02:55:50.000 Exactly.

02:55:50.000 Yeah.

02:55:51.000 And there was a stage and then there was a bridge with like a creek.

02:55:55.000 Yes. 0.90

02:55:56.000 There was literally a fucking fountain between you and a bridge and like a koi garden, like a little Chinese garden, and then a bunch of people and then they always had MTV jams on television. 0.98

02:56:09.000 There were televisions on every wall and people were just watching MTV jams and then you were just yelling. 0.97

02:56:15.000 I remember one time Duncan Trussell got on there and we couldn't even, we didn't even know people could hear us and I was like, I don't think anyone could even, like, did we, are we bombing or can they just hear us?

02:56:25.000 And then Duncan also got on stage and started basically yelling the most offensive things imaginable, and nobody responded, and we realized, like, oh, they just can't hear us. 0.84

02:56:32.000 Oh, that's so ridiculous. 0.87

02:56:33.000 Like, he was just, like, yelling. 0.98

02:56:34.000 He was, like, just, like, yelling, and everyone just kept eating their sushi.

02:56:37.000 What's crazy is Miyagi's is across the street from what used to be Dublin's, which was, like, an amazing room.

02:56:42.000 Yeah, which was the spot.

02:56:42.000 I wasn't, I didn't ever...

02:56:43.000 That was an amazing room.

02:56:44.000 I remember that was, like, the...

02:56:47.000 Hashtag Dane Cook.

02:56:48.000 Yeah, I missed my thing already.

02:56:50.000 I have to get my hair back to brown.

02:56:54.000 Why?

02:56:55.000 Because it's... 0.97

02:56:56.000 For your sex scene? 0.95

02:56:57.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.96

02:56:58.000 Is that what it is?

02:56:59.000 I don't want to distract anyone.

02:57:00.000 I don't want to become a sex symbol.

02:57:02.000 I don't need that stress.

02:57:04.000 You don't need that pressure?

02:57:05.000 No, I have to go back to Brunette. 0.92

02:57:07.000 Why?

02:57:08.000 Just because I'm working on something and they just don't want it to look blonde, I guess. 1.00

02:57:12.000 Fuck them! 1.00

02:57:12.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00

02:57:14.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:57:15.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:57:15.000 But this is... 1.00

02:57:15.000 I'm not a blonde. 1.00

02:57:17.000 That's not my brand.

02:57:18.000 Why did you do it in the first place?

02:57:19.000 Brand.

02:57:19.000 I did it...

02:57:21.000 This is going to sound weirdly narcissistic.

02:57:24.000 I... And for some reason went through a little spurt where I was getting recognized a lot.

02:57:29.000 And I was touring.

02:57:30.000 And I was like, let me just dye my hair and see what happens.

02:57:32.000 And nobody had any idea who I was.

02:57:34.000 As soon as you went blonde. 0.96

02:57:35.000 As soon as I went blonde.

02:57:36.000 That's interesting.

02:57:37.000 I was just completely invisible.

02:57:39.000 So you have a love-hate relationship with being recognized.

02:57:42.000 I don't not like it.

02:57:43.000 It was literally more like...

02:57:44.000 Let's see.

02:57:46.000 What?

02:57:46.000 Like a lit-see thing?

02:57:47.000 Yeah, it was like a...

02:57:49.000 It doesn't annoy me.

02:57:50.000 It doesn't bother me.

02:57:51.000 I'm super grateful.

02:57:51.000 I see people that come up to me in airports as like my boss.

02:57:54.000 Like, they're the ones that...

02:57:55.000 Don't say that. 0.99

02:57:56.000 The fucking guy who sent you the email is going to show up again. 1.00

02:57:59.000 I know, fuck. 1.00

02:57:59.000 That's right. 1.00

02:57:59.000 That dynamic. 1.00

02:58:00.000 The guy waiting outside the window.

02:58:01.000 Probably he's going to hear about this.

02:58:02.000 The people who I'm sure...

02:58:03.000 No, I think he's...

02:58:04.000 She remembers me!

02:58:05.000 He's an Amy Schumer fan.

02:58:07.000 Ah!

02:58:08.000 For sure.

02:58:09.000 He's done.

02:58:10.000 He thinks I sold out years ago when I did a sitcom.

02:58:14.000 Oh, you did.

02:58:16.000 Sold out.

02:58:17.000 I was just stressing out.

02:58:18.000 It was causing me anxiety because I never feel like I'm able to give people what they need.

02:58:23.000 I was like, I don't know, I'm going to airports.

02:58:24.000 I was dating somebody and I was getting recognized when we were on dates.

02:58:28.000 It would just make things weird.

02:58:29.000 I was like, why don't I just try this?

02:58:31.000 I'm not working on it.

02:58:32.000 Let me just change it up.

02:58:35.000 That's it. 0.98

02:58:36.000 And nobody fucking recognizes me. 0.97

02:58:37.000 And then I'm like, hey, excuse me. 0.98

02:58:38.000 I don't know if you know me.

02:58:40.000 Like, I'm totally having this other reaction.

02:58:42.000 I have HBO specials.

02:58:42.000 I know.

02:58:42.000 I'm like, hi, guys.

02:58:43.000 I don't know if you do have HBO Go.

02:58:45.000 I just...

02:58:46.000 So then it was interesting what happened when nobody recognized me and then I felt invisible.

02:58:51.000 And I was like, oh, this doesn't feel good either.

02:58:53.000 You know, it makes you realize when you get accustomed to stuff. 0.91

02:58:56.000 And I was like, God, how much attention do I fucking need? 0.96

02:58:58.000 It's so embarrassing. 0.99

02:59:00.000 And on that note...

02:59:01.000 On that note...

02:59:02.000 Glunk. 0.99

02:59:03.000 Glunk. 0.99

02:59:05.000 I'm gonna go cry in my lithium battery car.

02:59:08.000 This was a lot of fun.

02:59:10.000 You're the best.

02:59:11.000 No, you're the best.

02:59:12.000 I always have the best time with you.

02:59:14.000 Always a great time.

02:59:15.000 We just did three hours.

02:59:16.000 I'm always so flattered when you want me to have me around you.

02:59:18.000 Anytime, my friend.

02:59:19.000 It's always a good time.

02:59:20.000 You're the best. 1.00

02:59:21.000 Alright, fuckers. 0.99

02:59:22.000 We'll be back tomorrow with UFC bantamweight champion Misha Tate. 0.99

02:59:26.000 Gleek.

02:59:27.000 Holla.

02:59:27.000 See ya.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 04, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #793 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript