The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #836 - Hannibal Buress

00:00:02.000 Hannibal Montana, is that it?

00:00:04.000 Hannibal Montanival experience.

00:00:06.000 The Hannibal Montanival experience.

00:00:08.000 Can you get sued for that?

00:00:09.000 Or it's parody, right?

00:00:11.000 It's Hannibal Montanival.

00:00:13.000 There's bowls at the end of it.

00:00:15.000 What is a Montanival?

00:00:17.000 Montanival rhymes with Hannibal.

00:00:22.000 What is Hannah Montana?

00:00:24.000 We'll see.

00:00:24.000 It's the show with that cute girl.

00:00:27.000 Yeah, it's on Disney.

00:00:28.000 The Cyrus girl, right?

00:00:29.000 I hope they sue me.

00:00:31.000 The tour could use the bump.

00:00:32.000 Yeah, they can't win.

00:00:34.000 They can't win.

00:00:36.000 Right?

00:00:36.000 It's parody.

00:00:37.000 It's not.

00:00:38.000 Yeah.

00:00:39.000 And it's not a mock.

00:00:41.000 It's just because I think it's just a goofy thing.

00:00:42.000 It's not mocking anything.

00:00:43.000 I'm not using any imagery.

00:00:45.000 I just think those are just funny words to me.

00:00:47.000 Even if you were, you know?

00:00:49.000 Yeah.

00:00:49.000 I think you're okay.

00:00:51.000 Whatever happened to that chick? 1.00

00:00:52.000 She was going crazy for a while.

00:00:54.000 She, uh... 0.98

00:00:54.000 Remember? 0.98

00:00:55.000 She was grinding on people on TV. She's on the new season of The Voice right now that just started last night. 1.00

00:00:59.000 Oh.

00:01:00.000 Yeah.

00:01:00.000 Is she one of the judges or something?

00:01:02.000 Hmm.

00:01:03.000 She's a talented girl.

00:01:04.000 You ever heard her sing?

00:01:05.000 She's super talented. 0.67

00:01:06.000 She sang that song Jolene, like that Dolly Parton song?

00:01:09.000 Yeah.

00:01:09.000 I was like, wow.

00:01:10.000 If she just sang shit like this, she'd be goddamn gigantic. 0.99

00:01:15.000 She's a good actress, too. 1.00

00:01:16.000 What are you trying to say?

00:01:17.000 Really?

00:01:18.000 Yeah.

00:01:19.000 I think she's a solid actress. 0.86

00:01:20.000 What have you seen her in?

00:01:21.000 Her stuff, when she's been on Saturday Night Live.

00:01:24.000 Oh, okay.

00:01:25.000 I thought you actually watched Hannah Montana.

00:01:27.000 I actually did watch a little Hannah Montana back in 08. I remember watching a couple episodes.

00:01:33.000 I'm like, this is alright.

00:01:36.000 Also, I used to be a DatFan fan, too.

00:01:39.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:01:41.000 You used to be a DatFan fan.

00:01:43.000 Dat Fan took too much heat, man. 0.71

00:01:45.000 He did.

00:01:46.000 God, man.

00:01:47.000 I remember when Dat Fan was on Last Comic Standing, because it was season one, and I was one of the judges.

00:01:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:01:53.000 And he fucking killed. 1.00

00:01:54.000 Right. 1.00

00:01:54.000 And it didn't seem like there was anything wrong with what he was doing to me. 1.00

00:01:58.000 Yeah.

00:01:58.000 But a lot of people got mad at him.

00:02:00.000 Just for being...

00:02:01.000 I don't know.

00:02:02.000 It was like they just thought he was too much of a big show.

00:02:09.000 You know, he was too loud.

00:02:10.000 Yeah.

00:02:10.000 I don't know what it was that they got upset with him.

00:02:13.000 People like what they like.

00:02:15.000 People get angry.

00:02:15.000 People get angry at weird stuff.

00:02:17.000 I know!

00:02:18.000 People just get specifically angry.

00:02:21.000 Myself included, but I don't share that for the internet. 0.86

00:02:25.000 Just angry amongst my friends and we talk shit, but I don't like to show that. 0.99

00:02:30.000 Right, like you get mad if your friend likes a movie that sucked. 0.99

00:02:33.000 Yeah, we'll just, yeah.

00:02:34.000 My friend didn't, what was the movie with the moving shots?

00:02:42.000 It was Zach Galifianakis is in it.

00:02:44.000 The play.

00:02:45.000 Birdman.

00:02:46.000 Birdman?

00:02:46.000 Oh, Zach Galifianakis was in Birdman?

00:02:49.000 He's like the stage director.

00:02:49.000 Oh, that's right.

00:02:50.000 Of course.

00:02:51.000 Man, my friend Tony, we were in Denver.

00:02:54.000 Tony Trim, my DJ, he had one of them weed patches.

00:02:58.000 We were in Denver for like four days.

00:03:00.000 He had a weed patch that you could put on.

00:03:02.000 He got it from the dispensary.

00:03:04.000 And then he got high.

00:03:06.000 And then we started to talk about Birdman.

00:03:08.000 And I was like, yeah, I kind of like Birdman. 0.98

00:03:10.000 And he went on a 10-minute rant, like, fuck Birdman, the movie's pretentious, and he's just like, man, I like Birdman, but I don't know if I like it as much as you hate it. 0.98

00:03:19.000 He went on forever. 0.99

00:03:20.000 I couldn't believe it.

00:03:21.000 He's kind of got a point.

00:03:22.000 It's kind of pretentious, but I mean, don't you want that sometimes?

00:03:25.000 Like, someone to take a chance to make something that's just bizarre.

00:03:28.000 It was a bizarre-ass movie.

00:03:30.000 Like, that was a chance-taking movie. 0.94

00:03:32.000 Right?

00:03:33.000 Yeah.

00:03:33.000 I enjoyed it.

00:03:35.000 I've never seen somebody be so passionate about them.

00:03:38.000 You ever be around your friend like, I didn't know you were capable of such hate.

00:03:41.000 People get like that, man.

00:03:43.000 They get like that with music.

00:03:45.000 Yeah.

00:03:45.000 You know, you can talk to some people about certain bands you're just not supposed to like.

00:03:50.000 Like, when I was a kid, I used to have to hide the fact that I loved KISS. Yeah.

00:03:54.000 Because, like, when I was in, like, seventh grade, KISS was not cool.

00:03:58.000 Yeah.

00:03:59.000 It was not a cool thing.

00:04:00.000 The young kids, they all wanted to know about ACDC and Led Zeppelin.

00:04:05.000 So when you were in seventh grade, where was KISS in their trajectory?

00:04:12.000 Here's what happened with KISS. KISS had this gigantic, loyal following that came to all their concerts.

00:04:18.000 They sold out gigantic arenas all over the world, but they couldn't get any radio play.

00:04:24.000 It was real weird.

00:04:25.000 They only had a couple of big hits.

00:04:27.000 They had like Beth.

00:04:28.000 Beth was a big hit. 0.99

00:04:30.000 Detroit Rock City, Rock and Roll All Night.

00:04:32.000 Those were big.

00:04:33.000 And Party Every Day.

00:04:34.000 That's still a big one.

00:04:35.000 But there wasn't a lot of radio play.

00:04:38.000 There was a lot of bands that had way more radio play.

00:04:41.000 But for whatever reason, they never lost their popularity amongst their hardcore fans because they put on a great show.

00:04:47.000 I went to see them twice when they made their comeback tour with Kevin James.

00:04:51.000 Kevin James was opening for Kiss?

00:04:52.000 No, no, no.

00:04:53.000 We were friends.

00:04:54.000 We went to watch it.

00:04:55.000 What a combination that would be.

00:05:02.000 Doing some stand-up in front of Kiss.

00:05:06.000 Have you ever done stand-up in front of a band?

00:05:08.000 Lots of times, yeah.

00:05:09.000 Do you really?

00:05:10.000 Yeah.

00:05:10.000 Do you like it?

00:05:11.000 Sometimes.

00:05:12.000 Sometimes it can go well.

00:05:13.000 You have to be set up correctly, though.

00:05:14.000 And I've learned what to ask for to make the show go right.

00:05:19.000 What do you ask for?

00:05:20.000 You just ask for somebody from the band to introduce you either on stage or off mic. 0.96

00:05:24.000 And so you establish in front of the crowd as a friend of theirs and not just some asshole that the video you booked. 0.97

00:05:30.000 Right, right. 0.95

00:05:30.000 Where the band says, we booked this guy. 0.95

00:05:33.000 This is our guy.

00:05:34.000 Please welcome Hannibal Buress.

00:05:36.000 I learned that.

00:05:37.000 When I opened for this band, it's cool, super nice guys.

00:05:40.000 They saw me at Zany's in Chicago, a Chicago band, a jam band, Humphrey McGee.

00:05:44.000 That's a huge fan base.

00:05:45.000 They tour all the time.

00:05:46.000 They asked me to do this gig in DeKalb, outside of Chicago.

00:05:50.000 I was excited to do it.

00:05:51.000 It was a couple hundred bucks or something.

00:05:53.000 Different gig, opening for a band.

00:05:55.000 It's cool.

00:05:56.000 And it's packed.

00:05:57.000 It's theater.

00:05:58.000 It's packed.

00:05:59.000 And then they tell me, you know, it's getting ready to go on.

00:06:03.000 And the lights drop.

00:06:06.000 And the crowd goes crazy.

00:06:09.000 And I'm like, that is not for me at all.

00:06:13.000 And so then I just walk out cold, like, hello, I'm him, and start trying to do comedy, and people were just like, where's Umphreys McGee's?

00:06:22.000 Where's Umphreys?

00:06:23.000 And they just didn't know.

00:06:24.000 We didn't know.

00:06:26.000 Just, you know, every crowd isn't ready for comedy, and you have to settle.

00:06:29.000 People have to be expecting it or be settled.

00:06:31.000 Or it's a fight, and I wasn't prepped to fight at that moment just to fight him down.

00:06:38.000 I did all right, but that's it.

00:06:40.000 I mean, I do shows where I have...

00:06:43.000 Rappers are bands open for me also, and sometimes the crowd, some people in the crowd are into it, some people aren't, but it's music that I enjoy, so I try to just mix it up sometimes and have a bit of a variety show versus just straight stand-up.

00:06:55.000 Why not?

00:06:55.000 If that's what you want to do, definitely you should do it.

00:06:58.000 I've opened for a few bands back in the day, but I'd never do it again.

00:07:01.000 Some of the experiences were just horrific.

00:07:03.000 I opened for Bon Jovi once in a theater in the round.

00:07:08.000 It was this thing for VH1. It was in the round, and I was on stage with a bunch of musical instruments.

00:07:13.000 There was a drum kit there.

00:07:15.000 I had to move around.

00:07:16.000 I couldn't do anything physical.

00:07:17.000 There was a microphone set up.

00:07:20.000 And then after I did my set, I was supposed to bring Girls towards the front of the stage. 1.00

00:07:25.000 They wanted to pick out attractive girls in the audience. 1.00

00:07:27.000 To go backstage?

00:07:28.000 No, no, no.

00:07:29.000 Be around the stage.

00:07:30.000 Okay.

00:07:30.000 So when they're filming it.

00:07:31.000 Oh, okay.

00:07:32.000 They're the ones who are really close to the camera screaming.

00:07:34.000 Yeah.

00:07:34.000 There's Bon Jovi and them go off.

00:07:36.000 I'm a dirt bag for backstage, right?

00:07:38.000 They turned you into the Wrangler.

00:07:40.000 They turned me into the Wrangler.

00:07:41.000 You can open, but you got to also grab some girls. 1.00

00:07:44.000 Here's the deal, bro.

00:07:46.000 We're road dogs.

00:07:47.000 No, they wanted a bunch of...

00:07:49.000 Because they were filming it for VH1, I think it was at the time.

00:07:52.000 But I was like, I can't keep doing these.

00:07:55.000 They just don't go well 50% of the time.

00:07:58.000 Yeah, I mean, I've done some...

00:08:00.000 You know who Chance the Rapper is?

00:08:01.000 He's a rapper out of Chicago.

00:08:04.000 I've done some stuff with him, and sometimes it'll go well, and then there's one in Chicago.

00:08:08.000 And I'm from Chicago, so I'm thinking, this is going to be great.

00:08:11.000 This is my city, too.

00:08:12.000 Dude, it was just...

00:08:14.000 It was because I made fun of...

00:08:15.000 You know, Chicagoans that live in the city will...

00:08:19.000 Sometimes you'll meet somebody and you're like, where are you from?

00:08:22.000 And they'll say, Chicago.

00:08:23.000 What part of Chicago?

00:08:24.000 They'll be like, Schaumburg.

00:08:25.000 Like, that's not Chicago.

00:08:26.000 Right.

00:08:27.000 Like, this is suburban.

00:08:28.000 That's what that improv is.

00:08:29.000 That's 40 minutes outside of Chicago.

00:08:31.000 Right.

00:08:31.000 It's a suburban kind of city, sort of...

00:08:34.000 It's like Thousand Oaks.

00:08:35.000 Yeah, that type of thing.

00:08:36.000 And so I talked about that.

00:08:37.000 I did that on stage.

00:08:39.000 It was...

00:08:40.000 The venue was in the city.

00:08:42.000 And then I talked about that on stage, but most of that crowd was like white kids from the suburbs, and then it just turned from there, and it just got restless, and then some dude just yelled out for no reason.

00:08:54.000 He was just like, Kevin Hart!

00:08:56.000 I was like, what does that mean?

00:08:57.000 Wow. 0.99

00:08:59.000 That's hilarious, but that's some psychology shit, right? 0.98

00:09:02.000 He's going to point to the most successful comic ever and compare you. 0.98

00:09:06.000 I mean, Kevin Hart is, if he's not the most successful, he's like top two, right?

00:09:11.000 I mean, who are the arguments?

00:09:13.000 There's three arguments, right?

00:09:14.000 It's like Dice Clay, Dane Cook, and Kevin Hart.

00:09:16.000 And as far as sustaining it, Yeah.

00:09:18.000 His run has been pretty crazy.

00:09:21.000 Insane.

00:09:21.000 He has his own shoe, so I think it's him.

00:09:23.000 He's got a motivational shoe.

00:09:25.000 He's got a motivational shoe.

00:09:26.000 Motivational quotes all over it.

00:09:27.000 And his shoe, actually, Kevin Hart's shoe looks better than a lot of athletes' shoes.

00:09:33.000 Definitely.

00:09:33.000 He's a smart dude.

00:09:34.000 He's a smart dude.

00:09:35.000 He's a savvy dude.

00:09:36.000 Worked hard.

00:09:37.000 Nice dude.

00:09:38.000 But that's funny that he thinks that yelling that out is going to hurt your feelings.

00:09:43.000 It was just more weird.

00:09:44.000 It is weird.

00:09:45.000 It is weird, but that's a jab, you know?

00:09:50.000 It's interesting that people do that. 1.00

00:09:52.000 You point to almost as if someone's success, even though it's astronomical, crazy success, even to a really successful guy like you, It'll fuck with you. 1.00

00:10:06.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:10:07.000 Yeah.

00:10:08.000 I mean, you do really well. 0.93

00:10:09.000 I know you're not walking around going, man, I wish my life was fucking better right now. 0.91

00:10:13.000 No, you're great. 0.93

00:10:14.000 Everything's awesome in your world. 0.96

00:10:16.000 Everything's smooth as fuck, but someone can yell out, Kevin Hart. 0.97

00:10:20.000 Like, yeah. 0.94

00:10:21.000 No, people, it's a weird space to be in, because now, you have that, well, two, it's a different way.

00:10:29.000 You got your fans, and then you also have... 0.98

00:10:31.000 People that just know who you are and might not fuck with you at all. 0.99

00:10:35.000 They just know. 0.99

00:10:36.000 And so I went into this Mexican restaurant in Chicago last week.

00:10:43.000 And I go straight to the bathroom in the back.

00:10:48.000 It's a great spot in Chicago, by the way.

00:10:50.000 Check it out.

00:10:50.000 Allende.

00:10:51.000 Lincoln and Fullerton.

00:10:52.000 And go to the back. 0.80

00:10:56.000 And I come back out. 0.98

00:10:57.000 He's tall, too tall, black women. 1.00

00:11:00.000 And one of them, like, I'm right next to her.

00:11:02.000 She gestures towards me like, yeah, he's famous or something.

00:11:05.000 Like, real dismissive.

00:11:06.000 I didn't say anything to her.

00:11:08.000 I was just being it.

00:11:09.000 Yeah, he's famous or something.

00:11:10.000 Then she says to me, yeah, my friends tried to get me to come hang out with you at Mad River.

00:11:14.000 It's a bar in Chicago.

00:11:15.000 We had to try to get you to come and hang out, but we didn't want to.

00:11:19.000 I'm like, alright, why are you...

00:11:20.000 But we didn't want to.

00:11:21.000 Yeah, something like that.

00:11:22.000 I'm like, what are you...

00:11:23.000 What is happening right now?

00:11:24.000 What are you...

00:11:24.000 And so I look at her body and she's in great shape.

00:11:27.000 6'2", short, short song.

00:11:29.000 She got a volleyball body. 1.00

00:11:30.000 So I say, you play volleyball?

00:11:32.000 She said, yeah, we play at DePaul.

00:11:35.000 So if they order their food sit-down, I order my food sit-down.

00:11:39.000 And then I go on my phone and I Google DePaul Women's Volleyball and look at last year and look at the roster and I look over there and I say, Hey Ashley, 0.95

00:11:55.000 what the fuck happened last season? 0.87

00:11:58.000 They had a bad season last year. 0.99

00:12:03.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:12:05.000 And then her friend pipes up, hey, we had a lot of good individual accomplishments.

00:12:09.000 We set some individual records last year.

00:12:11.000 And I was like, so you guys had bad team chemistry, huh? 0.87

00:12:16.000 But, yeah, it was just, I felt the need to dig back, because I was just grabbing some fucking tacos, and she just made me feel weird just by being there. 0.94

00:12:24.000 Well, she felt like she could get a free shot at you, because you're famous. 0.96

00:12:28.000 Yeah.

00:12:29.000 Or she just does that to people all the time. 1.00

00:12:31.000 Maybe she does. 0.87

00:12:32.000 Maybe she just had a, I don't know, maybe I was intimidated. 1.00

00:12:34.000 She was tall and beautiful as fuck. 1.00

00:12:35.000 Oh, she's a big, beautiful girl. 1.00

00:12:36.000 She's a big, beautiful girl, but with like a voice.

00:12:40.000 Maybe a tone like mine.

00:12:42.000 Maybe I couldn't handle my own tone.

00:12:44.000 She sounds like you?

00:12:45.000 Not like me, but she had kind of a... 1.00

00:12:47.000 Not depth, but just sarcastic.

00:12:49.000 Yeah.

00:12:50.000 Oh, tone that way.

00:12:52.000 Yeah.

00:12:53.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:12:54.000 No, she was being rude. 1.00

00:12:56.000 She's maybe just a big, rude, giant bitch who wants a dude to take that challenge. 1.00

00:13:01.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:13:02.000 If you're a girl that's that big and athletic, you could probably fuck up a lot of dudes. 1.00

00:13:07.000 That's a big girl. 0.98

00:13:08.000 She probably has to test dudes all the time. 1.00

00:13:12.000 Maybe that was her way of hitting on me. 1.00

00:13:14.000 Maybe she was negging me and I fucking took it the wrong way. 0.97

00:13:17.000 Yeah, maybe if you just took it like an ace, you just rolled with it like a Shaolin monk. 0.96

00:13:21.000 Yeah.

00:13:22.000 Well, I did neck back! 0.51

00:13:24.000 You did, but that's actually pretty funny.

00:13:26.000 The way you did it's pretty funny.

00:13:28.000 I think everything worked out great.

00:13:31.000 I mean, I know where to find it if I want to find it.

00:13:34.000 I don't know why I always want to wonder what someone's motivation is, but I always do.

00:13:37.000 I do too.

00:13:39.000 I don't know.

00:13:40.000 You never know.

00:13:41.000 It's almost like, why do I bother? 0.78

00:13:42.000 Why can't I just get the fuck away from this?

00:13:43.000 Why do I have to find out what someone's motivation is? 0.71

00:13:46.000 Yeah, I'll end up in conversations where I should just probably leave, but I'm just that curious about what's going on. 1.00

00:13:53.000 Who the fuck are you? 1.00

00:13:55.000 What's up with you? 1.00

00:13:58.000 Why don't you do that?

00:14:00.000 And also, I have to win.

00:14:03.000 I have to win.

00:14:04.000 Well, it's a game that you're really good at. 1.00

00:14:07.000 It's a shit-talking game. 1.00

00:14:08.000 Do you get upset when someone starts shit-talking with you? 1.00

00:14:11.000 Like, wait a minute, you're a goddamn amateur here. 1.00

00:14:13.000 Shit-talking with a professional comedian? 1.00

00:14:15.000 How often have you done this? 1.00

00:14:18.000 How good are you at this for real?

00:14:20.000 It's fun though.

00:14:21.000 It is fun.

00:14:22.000 It's all fun and games.

00:14:24.000 Someone's soul gets crushed.

00:14:26.000 You know what happened in Vegas?

00:14:28.000 It was this girl that I... Not really known that well, but she's beautiful.

00:14:34.000 And she hit me up out of nowhere.

00:14:36.000 Hey, I miss you.

00:14:37.000 We never messed around or anything.

00:14:39.000 She misses you.

00:14:40.000 She misses you.

00:14:41.000 And so I was in Boston at the moment.

00:14:46.000 I think...

00:14:47.000 I don't know, I was just in a sort of a, not a bad mood, but a weird mood.

00:14:52.000 Impulsive.

00:14:53.000 And she just hit me up out of nowhere.

00:14:54.000 I was like...

00:14:55.000 Let's go to Vegas for the UFC fights. 1.00

00:14:57.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:14:58.000 Fly her out. 1.00

00:14:59.000 We get to the airport around the same time.

00:15:02.000 Go out.

00:15:03.000 Go to Calvin Harris' plan.

00:15:05.000 Go there.

00:15:06.000 And we get back to the room.

00:15:09.000 And she's kind of, like, cold towards me.

00:15:11.000 Like, almost buddy.

00:15:13.000 I'm like...

00:15:14.000 I mean, we never really hung out, but it's still, like...

00:15:18.000 You're flowing to Vegas.

00:15:19.000 It's a vibe and it's a little bit of a subtext to that.

00:15:25.000 It's Vegas also.

00:15:26.000 And so she kind of just go to sleep on me. 0.99

00:15:30.000 I'm like, we in a fucking Vegas? 1.00

00:15:32.000 What the fuck is going on? 1.00

00:15:33.000 What's happening? 1.00

00:15:34.000 You thought you missed...

00:15:35.000 And so...

00:15:37.000 End up in the morning, go for it again.

00:15:42.000 But she's kind of broke.

00:15:44.000 It's like, I'm like, does this chick even like me at all?

00:15:46.000 It's like, I go down on her.

00:15:48.000 She's completely quiet.

00:15:50.000 But it's like moving her body positively.

00:15:52.000 But not saying a word?

00:15:54.000 But not saying a word to the point where I'm like, I gotta check and see if this is okay.

00:15:56.000 I pop my head up.

00:15:57.000 I'm like, hey, we good?

00:15:59.000 Just because I had to do a consent check.

00:16:03.000 That's hilarious.

00:16:05.000 Man.

00:16:06.000 That's a good move, though.

00:16:08.000 Yeah, dude.

00:16:09.000 Man, I had to check, man.

00:16:11.000 I was like, hey, are we good?

00:16:12.000 You good?

00:16:13.000 She's like, we good.

00:16:13.000 I was like, back at it.

00:16:18.000 But she didn't make a noise. 0.99

00:16:20.000 You know how weird pussy-eating sounds with no moaning or yeps or yes? 1.00

00:16:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:26.000 With nothing, though?

00:16:27.000 It was weird, but I could tell she...

00:16:30.000 I've been thinking about nothing else for days. 1.00

00:16:32.000 It's just moaning, just no moaning, just acapella pussy eating. 1.00

00:16:38.000 But I could feel her body, like she's moving her body around. 0.99

00:16:42.000 I could tell she came a couple times because the air came out.

00:16:47.000 Whoa.

00:16:48.000 I don't think that's how it works.

00:16:49.000 I think it is.

00:16:51.000 Because at one point, yeah.

00:16:53.000 I felt some air come out.

00:16:54.000 But it didn't make a noise.

00:16:56.000 I don't think we're ever going to really know if they're coming or not. 0.95

00:17:00.000 I think there could be a lot of fuckery going on. 0.99

00:17:03.000 A lot of fake orgasms. 0.99

00:17:05.000 We don't know. 0.98

00:17:05.000 A lot of times girls just fake cum so that you could stop. 0.98

00:17:09.000 Really? 0.76

00:17:10.000 I don't know.

00:17:11.000 I'm guessing.

00:17:11.000 It must have happened.

00:17:13.000 But I'm just saying I don't think air coming out constitutes orgasm.

00:17:18.000 Seems like it should.

00:17:21.000 There should be like a little turkey tester that goes off. 0.96

00:17:23.000 Maybe she likes me.

00:17:24.000 Whatever.

00:17:25.000 We end up hooking up and go out to lunch and then I realize there's no...

00:17:29.000 No compatibility?

00:17:31.000 No compatibility at all.

00:17:32.000 This chick doesn't even like me. 1.00

00:17:34.000 She doesn't even mow when you eat her pussy. 1.00

00:17:35.000 That's all you need to know. 1.00

00:17:37.000 That's all you need to know.

00:17:38.000 She just lays there. 0.99

00:17:41.000 Doesn't like me at all, or is just bad at showing it, doesn't, can't even fake, just wants to be at the fights and shit. 0.64

00:17:49.000 So, we get back to the room, getting ready, it's like three-ish, so getting ready, I'm like, I'm gonna see the whole thing, go see the prelims.

00:17:58.000 And, uh...

00:18:00.000 But I'm trying to get it in again.

00:18:02.000 Let's hook up again.

00:18:03.000 I understand.

00:18:04.000 You have to tell me.

00:18:05.000 And then she says, I don't hook up on the first night.

00:18:08.000 I'm like, we already did it already.

00:18:11.000 What are you talking about?

00:18:12.000 She's like, yeah, that's my rule. 0.99

00:18:13.000 I don't do it on the...

00:18:14.000 I was like, what are you talking about?

00:18:16.000 She's like, that's me and my roommates.

00:18:18.000 That's our house rule.

00:18:19.000 Our house rule. 1.00

00:18:20.000 Bunch of cock-blocking bitches all getting together. 1.00

00:18:23.000 You fly out on the first... 1.00

00:18:25.000 What are you talking about?

00:18:26.000 We already did it, and it's not your house.

00:18:28.000 It's a...

00:18:30.000 And so I'm like, what is, I don't wanna, who does that?

00:18:33.000 That's weird.

00:18:34.000 And so I kinda, I step out of the room, make a phone call, talk to my friends to consult me. 1.00

00:18:39.000 What the fuck do I do with this shit? 1.00

00:18:41.000 Just leave all your shit in the room and buy new shit. 1.00

00:18:44.000 That's what you do. 1.00

00:18:45.000 You just go.

00:18:46.000 You just, you have your phone in your hand.

00:18:47.000 Do you have a computer back in the room?

00:18:49.000 I do.

00:18:50.000 Okay, so you go back in, you don't wanna leave the computer.

00:18:52.000 You go grab your computer, you go, I'll be right back.

00:18:54.000 And then you never come back.

00:18:56.000 That's what, I came back in.

00:18:57.000 I came back in the room.

00:19:00.000 I came back in the room, I said...

00:19:01.000 Buy new clothes.

00:19:04.000 No, I'm gonna take somebody...

00:19:08.000 I'd walk in the fight with a computer that would have been great.

00:19:11.000 I would do it.

00:19:12.000 I say I'm gonna take somebody else to the fight. 1.00

00:19:14.000 Oh shit! 0.99

00:19:16.000 I have my assistant get you a separate hotel room and I'll buy you a single ticket to the fight if you want. 1.00

00:19:23.000 I don't feel like you're feeling me and it would be a disservice to both of us in wasting each other's time.

00:19:30.000 But you have another hotel room, I'll get you a ticket to the fight if you want.

00:19:33.000 That's a gentleman's move.

00:19:34.000 I like that.

00:19:34.000 That's better than what I was gonna do.

00:19:37.000 You should have run out the door with a computer.

00:19:39.000 It felt weird to do it and it felt weird to build up to doing it but I had a great night man.

00:19:45.000 I hung out with another friend in Vegas and she's a much better person.

00:19:50.000 Beautiful.

00:19:50.000 Yeah.

00:19:51.000 It's weird, though.

00:19:53.000 Well, that's a good move.

00:19:54.000 But that's my fault for that.

00:19:55.000 Well, you took a chance.

00:19:55.000 I never even had a real conversation with her, and I flew this woman out.

00:19:58.000 That's how beautiful she was.

00:20:00.000 What?

00:20:00.000 You took a chance.

00:20:01.000 This is what life's all about.

00:20:02.000 Yeah, you could meet someone like that on the first night.

00:20:04.000 They could be the best person you ever met in your life.

00:20:07.000 You'd fall in love forever.

00:20:08.000 Right, Jamie?

00:20:09.000 It's true.

00:20:10.000 I mean, you definitely can.

00:20:11.000 I support you on both decisions.

00:20:14.000 I support you on your impulsiveness and just flying out a beautiful woman. 1.00

00:20:17.000 I support you on continuing to eat her pussy and asking for consent in the middle of it. 1.00

00:20:21.000 I support you on that. 1.00

00:20:23.000 And I definitely support you getting her another room and doing it classy and getting her a ticket to the fight.

00:20:28.000 She didn't want the ticket, but that's fine.

00:20:29.000 Good, yeah.

00:20:30.000 Even better.

00:20:32.000 I support you 100%. 1.00

00:20:33.000 That's a fucking... 1.00

00:20:34.000 You got an A +, sir. 1.00

00:20:35.000 If I was your teacher, if I was your professor... 0.99

00:20:39.000 In How To Be A Man, I give you a fucking A+. Thank you. 0.99

00:20:42.000 That's what you're supposed to do.

00:20:43.000 I'm getting better.

00:20:43.000 I'm growing up.

00:20:44.000 Successful comedian with resources?

00:20:46.000 Fly that young lady out. 1.00

00:20:47.000 Yeah.

00:20:48.000 She might be the girl of your dreams.

00:20:49.000 Yeah.

00:20:49.000 Might be able to settle down.

00:20:50.000 Next time.

00:20:51.000 Settle down.

00:20:52.000 Relax.

00:20:53.000 Trying to, man.

00:20:54.000 It's hard.

00:20:54.000 Trying to, growing up.

00:20:55.000 It's hard.

00:20:56.000 I bought a building.

00:20:57.000 I bought some real estate.

00:20:58.000 You bought some real estate?

00:20:59.000 I bought an apartment building in Chicago. 1.00

00:21:01.000 Oh shit, a whole building? 1.00

00:21:02.000 A whole building. 1.00

00:21:03.000 A three unit apartment building.

00:21:04.000 Do you live in it or just bought it?

00:21:05.000 Don't live in it.

00:21:06.000 It's tenants now, but I want an Airbnb.

00:21:08.000 Wow.

00:21:09.000 That's interesting, man. 0.99

00:21:10.000 What if you start a fucking Hannibal Buress hotel? 0.98

00:21:13.000 I was thinking, that's what, that's like a five, ten year, not five, maybe ten years down. 0.98

00:21:18.000 I would have to either get other people in with funding and stuff, but I looked at this one place.

00:21:26.000 This is one building in Chicago, but it's a lot of money and it would have to be an all cash buy and I can't do it.

00:21:32.000 So I'm trying to get other people to partner up.

00:21:35.000 Man, the hotel business sounds interesting.

00:21:38.000 Like you developed a cool...

00:21:40.000 Because it's kind of entertaining in a way.

00:21:42.000 Like you're entertaining those people.

00:21:44.000 Isn't that off...

00:21:45.000 I mean, I'm traveling all the time.

00:21:46.000 I'm in hotels, so I kind of know what I like in a hotel.

00:21:50.000 But you know what I mean?

00:21:50.000 Like the experience of going to a hotel is in a lot of ways like an entertaining experience.

00:21:54.000 Definitely.

00:21:55.000 The lounge, the colors, what you have in the lobby.

00:21:57.000 Yeah.

00:21:59.000 The stuff in the rooms, you know. 0.95

00:22:01.000 In a lot of ways, like even the other way, like there's a Motel 6 in Ketchikan, Alaska that I stayed at, and it's fucking great. 0.51

00:22:09.000 Or Hotel 6, like it's a Hotel 6. Yeah. 0.62

00:22:12.000 But because it's so ridiculous, because it's in this like really remote place, there's something cool about that.

00:22:18.000 You know, there's something cool about just the standardness of it all. 0.99

00:22:21.000 The wood panels on the door, you know, like that kind of shit. 0.96

00:22:24.000 I don't even know if they have wood panels, but you know what I mean, like that standard Motel 6 type look. 0.99

00:22:29.000 Right. 0.98

00:22:29.000 Even in a place like that, if you went to a place like Ketchikan, Alaska, and there was a Four Seasons, with some sort of fireplace that has broken glass in it, one of those weird ones, you'd be like, what the fuck is this? 0.98

00:22:45.000 It wouldn't make any sense. 0.66

00:22:46.000 But the Hannibal Buress Hotel.

00:22:49.000 I see a lot of red velour.

00:22:51.000 I see a lot like this room.

00:22:53.000 I see red velour.

00:22:54.000 I see gold lace.

00:22:56.000 I see like a beautiful design to the place.

00:22:58.000 I hear good music.

00:22:59.000 Good music.

00:23:00.000 Food smells good.

00:23:01.000 Food is good.

00:23:02.000 24 hour food.

00:23:04.000 24 hour food.

00:23:05.000 Reasonable mini bar prices.

00:23:07.000 I like it. 0.99

00:23:08.000 I need to make a profit but I'm not gonna fuck you over. 0.99

00:23:10.000 How many people? 1.00

00:23:11.000 What are we talking about in this hotel?

00:23:13.000 How big?

00:23:13.000 Little, right?

00:23:14.000 Like a boutique?

00:23:14.000 A little one for the first one.

00:23:16.000 Something like 20 to 30 rooms.

00:23:18.000 Something like that.

00:23:18.000 That's beautiful.

00:23:19.000 That's like a fucking party. 1.00

00:23:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:21.000 20 rooms is like a party.

00:23:23.000 We all gathered up all of our friends that we knew, and we all brought girlfriends or wives, and there's 20 of us. 0.99

00:23:30.000 We could fill a goddamn 20-room hotel. 0.99

00:23:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:34.000 Easy.

00:23:35.000 Definitely, man.

00:23:36.000 That's a good move.

00:23:37.000 I want to...

00:23:40.000 Do entertainment for fun like seven years from now and not for money anymore.

00:23:45.000 Yeah.

00:23:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:23:47.000 Where it's not necessary to go on the road or do a TV show or do a movie.

00:23:54.000 I would really love to do that.

00:23:57.000 Well then I'm torn.

00:23:58.000 Because I want your hotel to be successful, but I want you to keep doing comedy. 1.00

00:24:02.000 I don't want you to turn into a lazy bitch. 1.00

00:24:05.000 Not a lazy bitch, but I'll be doing stuff with my real estate. 1.00

00:24:08.000 My goal, I want to get another building this year. 1.00

00:24:12.000 Damn, you're a magnate. 0.98

00:24:13.000 And get two multifamily properties a year for the next five years. 1.00

00:24:19.000 And then run for president.

00:24:21.000 No, no.

00:24:24.000 Because that only pays $400,000 a year.

00:24:26.000 But it's the speaking fees, man.

00:24:29.000 Speaking fees, yeah.

00:24:30.000 That's where you make all your money.

00:24:31.000 You do your eight years, and when you get out, you make a billion dollars.

00:24:35.000 How much do you think Obama's going to make?

00:24:38.000 Let me tell you something.

00:24:39.000 A couple million.

00:24:40.000 You know who should be rooting and crossing his fingers that Trump wins?

00:24:44.000 It's Obama. 0.96

00:24:46.000 Because if Trump wins, Obama will make so much fucking money talking about democracy and giving speeches about what it's like to be a president and what it's like to run the greatest nation in the world. 0.97

00:24:59.000 He's gonna be fine either way, but he could literally double his money if Trump wins. 0.97

00:25:04.000 Here's a theory a lot of people have said, I don't think he wants to win.

00:25:08.000 Do you think he wants to win with the moves he's been pulling?

00:25:11.000 I don't know, man.

00:25:12.000 He said he has one office, one campaign office in Florida that has four employees.

00:25:17.000 Good, perfect.

00:25:18.000 Just win.

00:25:21.000 Hashtag tiger blood. 1.00

00:25:23.000 He's not, I mean, beyond the idiotic shit he's saying, he's not really running an efficient Campaign. 1.00

00:25:31.000 It's entirely possible that he doesn't really want to win. 0.99

00:25:35.000 If you think about it, it's entirely possible that he thought it would be like, remember when Howard Stern ran for governor of New York?

00:25:42.000 Was that 90s?

00:25:43.000 Yeah, something like that, wasn't it, Jamie?

00:25:46.000 I think it was somewhere in there, but I don't think Howard Stern really wanted to be the governor.

00:25:52.000 I just think he wanted to have some fun.

00:25:54.000 And that might have been what happened with Donald Trump.

00:25:58.000 He might have been just thinking he was going to make a splash.

00:26:01.000 Have some fun.

00:26:03.000 Now he's in too deep?

00:26:05.000 Yeah, and he was still doing his TV show back then, remember?

00:26:08.000 Like, he was still the Celebrity Apprentice guy, or whatever it is.

00:26:11.000 Not a Celebrity Apprentice.

00:26:12.000 Is that the name of the show? 1.00

00:26:14.000 Why does it sound so stupid? 1.00

00:26:15.000 It was just The Apprentice, then it was the Celebrity Apprentice. 1.00

00:26:19.000 So, NBC fired him from that show.

00:26:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:22.000 Because he was saying a bunch of shit about Mexicans. 1.00

00:26:24.000 And when they fired him from the show, that's when he ramped it up. 1.00

00:26:27.000 And when he ramped it up, that's when he got more and more popular.

00:26:30.000 And that's when he won the Republican nomination. 0.99

00:26:32.000 Part of it is because NBC canceled his fucking show. 0.99

00:26:36.000 That's what happened. 1.00

00:26:37.000 NBC made Trump.

00:26:38.000 This is what we got to blame.

00:26:39.000 We got NBC and we got Caitlyn Jenner.

00:26:42.000 Because there's a part of America that when Caitlyn Jenner won the Woman of the Year after being a woman for six months, and when ESPN did that giant piece on her, and they're fucking flying over her house with a helicopter, and the drapes are blowing in the breeze, and she's hiding in the shadows, and you're like, 0.99

00:26:57.000 what the fuck? 1.00

00:26:58.000 There's a part of America that was like, fuck this. 1.00

00:27:02.000 Enough! 1.00

00:27:03.000 We gotta put our foot down! 1.00

00:27:05.000 We gotta put our fucking foot down now! 1.00

00:27:08.000 And then Trump came along, I'm an asshole! 1.00

00:27:11.000 And they were like, I'm an asshole too! 1.00

00:27:13.000 Stand up! 1.00

00:27:14.000 Stand proud!

00:27:15.000 People got upset. 1.00

00:27:16.000 I think there's like an ebb and flow to shit. 1.00

00:27:19.000 I think when things go too left wing, too progressive, too transgenders in the bathroom, all that crazy shit, when that goes down, there's a part of America that's just not ready yet. 1.00

00:27:28.000 And they go, fuck that! 1.00

00:27:29.000 And that's where you get Trump. 1.00

00:27:31.000 That's a solid theory.

00:27:33.000 Solid, right? 1.00

00:27:34.000 I'm more fascinated when I watch the people in the crowd just really agreeing with the bullshit he said. 1.00

00:27:43.000 Like when he said the stuff, black people, what do you got to lose? 1.00

00:27:48.000 You had no jobs. 0.98

00:27:50.000 Everybody's in poverty.

00:27:51.000 And there's people in the back like, yeah.

00:27:52.000 He said that?

00:27:53.000 Yeah.

00:27:54.000 There's a speech?

00:27:55.000 There's a speech.

00:27:55.000 Oh, please play that.

00:27:57.000 He's appealing to black voters. 0.88

00:28:01.000 There's no jobs. 0.97

00:28:02.000 You're living in poverty.

00:28:03.000 The schools are bad.

00:28:04.000 It's 58% unemployment with your youth.

00:28:07.000 I mean, what do you got to lose?

00:28:09.000 That's a pretty good impression.

00:28:10.000 It's not bad.

00:28:11.000 I know exactly who you're doing.

00:28:13.000 Wow, we were watching earlier when you said that Obama founded ISIS. We were watching that earlier.

00:28:18.000 We're like, this is like a pro wrestling show. 1.00

00:28:20.000 Like, he's saying some crazy shit. 1.00

00:28:22.000 Just close for it. 1.00

00:28:23.000 But he's saying some...

00:28:24.000 Here, play it so we can hear it, Jamie.

00:28:28.000 Trump asking for the vote of every single African American.

00:28:35.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:28:46.000 I hope he's high as fuck right now. 1.00

00:28:54.000 And he's making a documentary. 1.00

00:28:57.000 Shadow from the hat covering his dumb eyes. 1.00

00:29:00.000 Chris Bell's filming all this series secretly. 1.00

00:29:03.000 Look at him.

00:29:04.000 They're all screaming, cheering. 0.97

00:29:06.000 There's a black woman back there. 1.00

00:29:07.000 I say it again. 0.98

00:29:08.000 What do you have to lose?

00:29:09.000 Look, what do you have to lose?

00:29:10.000 You're living in poverty.

00:29:12.000 Your schools are no good.

00:29:14.000 You have no jobs.

00:29:16.000 58% of your youth is unemployed.

00:29:21.000 What the hell do you have to lose?

00:29:25.000 Wow, this is amazing.

00:29:27.000 We're watching a movie.

00:29:28.000 It's a Coen Brothers movie.

00:29:30.000 And at the end of four years, I guarantee you, That I will get over 95% of the African-American vote.

00:29:40.000 I promise you.

00:29:41.000 He's a...

00:29:42.000 I promise you. 0.99

00:29:44.000 Even just saying that, who gives a shit if you... 0.99

00:29:48.000 What? 0.99

00:29:49.000 What percentage?

00:29:49.000 How do you know that?

00:29:50.000 He doesn't have a plan.

00:29:52.000 He's just talking.

00:29:53.000 It's fascinating.

00:29:54.000 But the crowd is what...

00:29:55.000 Yeah, it's fascinating.

00:29:56.000 If he was doing that for 30 people, I'd be like, okay, I get it, but...

00:30:02.000 I have some pretty significant theories.

00:30:04.000 I think that people are way too soft.

00:30:06.000 I think it's way too easy to stay alive.

00:30:08.000 And I think we've never ever had that in human history.

00:30:11.000 And I think that we're over breeding because of it at a ridiculous rate. 1.00

00:30:15.000 And I think there's a bunch of people out there that have no business fucking and or having kids. 0.99

00:30:20.000 Well, you just turned very serious. 1.00

00:30:22.000 I'm fucking serious. 0.98

00:30:23.000 I think it's not their fault. 0.97

00:30:26.000 It's no one's fault.

00:30:27.000 It's just the cycle that we're in.

00:30:30.000 We're in a cycle of safety.

00:30:32.000 We're in a cycle of safety.

00:30:34.000 We're in a cycle of recreational outrage.

00:30:36.000 People are getting outrage at things that don't make any sense.

00:30:39.000 The reason why? 0.98

00:30:39.000 There's no life-threatening fucking situations that are constantly at your door. 0.98

00:30:43.000 There's no wolves. 1.00

00:30:44.000 There's no fucking... 0.99

00:30:45.000 Nothing's going wrong. 0.99

00:30:47.000 So we're going after words. 0.77

00:30:49.000 You can't say retard anymore. 0.97

00:30:50.000 You know, don't say tranny. 1.00

00:30:53.000 We're getting outraged about shit that doesn't make any sense. 0.99

00:30:57.000 Well, that's more of a product of... 0.98

00:31:04.000 I think that's just a product of the internet, people being able to react to something and people being able to gather together on something and then start A petition.

00:31:16.000 Yeah, those are bad examples.

00:31:18.000 Retarded is not a bad example because that doesn't mean a disease.

00:31:22.000 It just means someone who's slow to get things.

00:31:25.000 We shouldn't automatically imply that you're picking on someone with a mental illness. 1.00

00:31:30.000 And in fact, when people initially had Down syndrome, when the birth certificates would come, it would call them a mongoloid idiot. 0.99

00:31:37.000 That would be what would be listed on the actual birth certificate. 0.99

00:31:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:42.000 Mongoloid idiot. 1.00

00:31:43.000 Mongoloid idiot. 1.00

00:31:43.000 Very straightforward. 1.00

00:31:44.000 It's very straightforward and very bizarre.

00:31:46.000 Hard times.

00:31:48.000 These are hard times we're talking about.

00:31:50.000 It's good.

00:31:50.000 Look, everything is good.

00:31:52.000 It's better to be alive right now.

00:31:53.000 It's as good as it gets.

00:31:54.000 This is a beautiful time.

00:31:56.000 But we're going to get things like that. 0.96

00:31:58.000 We're going to get things like that Trump thing because it's so fucking easy to stay alive. 0.79

00:32:01.000 It is easy to be alive. 1.00

00:32:02.000 Easy as fuck. 0.99

00:32:03.000 It's fun for it to be easy to be alive. 1.00

00:32:05.000 Exactly.

00:32:06.000 I was at my friend's house.

00:32:07.000 We just got to balance back.

00:32:08.000 Yeah.

00:32:09.000 He was playing PS4, and he was playing baseball on a PS4, which I think is horrible.

00:32:19.000 Is it horrible?

00:32:20.000 Why is it horrible?

00:32:21.000 Baseball, video games, I'm not into it.

00:32:22.000 Give me football, give me basketball, give me fighting, give me a fighting game, give me something shooting, but baseball...

00:32:28.000 It's not good?

00:32:29.000 ...on a video game.

00:32:30.000 Not to me.

00:32:30.000 Obviously, everybody likes what they like, but I'm over there as a guest.

00:32:36.000 He doesn't even have a second controller.

00:32:40.000 So I went on my phone, went on Postmates, Target, The PS4 controller, the UFC 2 game, it was there in 20 minutes to my friend's house.

00:32:53.000 What?

00:32:54.000 I don't even own a PS4, I just wanted to play something different.

00:32:56.000 They can do that? 0.99

00:32:57.000 They came through with the UFC game and the controller and we hooked that shit up. 0.99

00:33:02.000 In 20 minutes? 0.99

00:33:03.000 And we were playing UFC. How the hell do they do that?

00:33:06.000 It's just basically a delivery.

00:33:09.000 It's not Target, it's Postmates.

00:33:12.000 Where it's a person and they are driving around and they waiting for orders.

00:33:15.000 Wow.

00:33:16.000 Yeah.

00:33:17.000 So I'll take that over at Wolves. 1.00

00:33:19.000 Fuck yeah! 0.99

00:33:20.000 No, I'm not saying that it's bad. 1.00

00:33:22.000 I think this is the best time to be alive ever, for sure.

00:33:25.000 But there's guys like you, and there's guys like a lot of my other friends, that I'm just happy to know and happy to be around.

00:33:32.000 And then there's a bunch of people out there, unfortunately, and for them, they've been exposed to some bad ideas.

00:33:38.000 Yeah. 0.54

00:33:38.000 And they don't have the best genetics, and they're living in somewhere that sucks, and they get to vote too. 0.54

00:33:44.000 Right.

00:33:45.000 I do see, when I do, I love reading comments on articles just to see, is that real?

00:33:54.000 Is that a real human being that thinks that?

00:33:58.000 I'm fascinated all the time where it hurts me and it makes me happy at the same time.

00:34:03.000 I can't believe...

00:34:05.000 That I live on the same earth as that type of person that thinks that for real.

00:34:09.000 Or a person that really thinks that Trump will be president or a person that has these views about that.

00:34:14.000 Well, Trump could be president, right?

00:34:16.000 I mean, it's halfway there.

00:34:17.000 He's the Republican nominee.

00:34:19.000 He is.

00:34:19.000 He's gotten super far.

00:34:20.000 I don't think it's going to happen from here.

00:34:23.000 But the fact that he's gotten as close is crazy.

00:34:25.000 It's crazy.

00:34:26.000 But I think those people that you're talking about, that you can't believe they think that way... 0.99

00:34:30.000 They're a product of whatever the fuck happened to them in their world. 0.98

00:34:33.000 Like, there's pockets of the world that are all a mess right now. 0.94

00:34:37.000 And if you were born in that pocket or I was born in that pocket in the same sort of circumstances, that's one of the things that it's hard to recognize as a person. 1.00

00:34:45.000 You see someone's an asshole, you just go, that's a fucking asshole. 1.00

00:34:47.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:34:48.000 But in a way, we kind of look at those people and go, damn, they just got fucked. 1.00

00:34:54.000 They got born into a group of dummies with a bunch of violent tendencies and crime and bullshit and nonsense, and this is all they've ever known, and they're just trying to get by. 1.00

00:35:03.000 And, you know, a guy like Trump comes along, like, yes, finally! 0.99

00:35:10.000 And if it wasn't Trump, it could be a number of motivational speakers all throughout the country that might have nefarious intentions.

00:35:19.000 Anybody who's really super charismatic now, it's kind of open game. 0.98

00:35:23.000 When a guy like Trump can come along and talk as much crazy shit as he has, In some ways, I'm not opposed to him winning. 1.00

00:35:32.000 Because in some ways, I'm like, look, he is the best guy to fuck this system in the ass. 1.00

00:35:38.000 And we know this system sucks. 1.00

00:35:40.000 It's almost like this guy's a suicide bomber. 1.00

00:35:43.000 Trump's like this wild dude with a vest and a sweaty face, and he's just running into that cafe. 0.76

00:35:49.000 Yeah.

00:35:52.000 Boom! 0.99

00:35:53.000 Well, yeah, the two-party system is flawed.

00:35:55.000 Anyways.

00:35:56.000 I'm gonna put that on a meme.

00:36:00.000 It should be more than two people able to run.

00:36:03.000 For sure.

00:36:04.000 It should be a lot.

00:36:06.000 Do you know Tom Rhodes?

00:36:07.000 Yeah.

00:36:08.000 He was on Duncan Trussell's podcast the other day, and he was talking about the way it's set up in Holland.

00:36:14.000 It's like 10 or something.

00:36:15.000 Yeah, something.

00:36:16.000 Jamie, see if you can find out how many candidates they have, how many parties, rather, they have in Holland.

00:36:21.000 But it's many, many, many.

00:36:22.000 And they're all, like, it's real reasonable, like, how they're placed.

00:36:26.000 Yeah.

00:36:27.000 Yeah.

00:36:27.000 And I'm sure there's like a lot of us, me included, that we're upset because there's some things on one side that I agree with, some things on another side that I agree with, and some things that aren't being represented at all.

00:36:39.000 Like the idea that these two people, whatever opinions they discuss are the only opinions that we should all be talking about, that's crazy.

00:36:45.000 It's crazy.

00:36:46.000 There should be more.

00:36:48.000 Why can't they collaborate, but not Trump?

00:36:51.000 Jesus, look at how many they have in Holland. 1.00

00:36:53.000 This is crazy.

00:36:54.000 How many do they have, Jamie?

00:36:57.000 Eleven, but there's seventeen.

00:36:59.000 Six of them didn't vote in the 2012 election, so they might be brand new.

00:37:03.000 I'm not sure.

00:37:03.000 But they have eleven different parties?

00:37:05.000 That voted in the last, yeah.

00:37:06.000 They all had candidates.

00:37:07.000 Wow!

00:37:08.000 See, that's right.

00:37:10.000 That's how it should be done.

00:37:11.000 We're getting hoodwinked by a group of people that are just controlling this ancient system.

00:37:17.000 And it's not a good system, and they know it's not a good system, but the only way you could ever stop this system is you have to have people with pure hearts and minds that are willing to admit the system sucks.

00:37:28.000 So they're going to lose whatever position of influence that they have and step back and be judged by the merit of their own ideas again.

00:37:35.000 Instead of being a senator or a congressman or a president, they just say, look, this system sucks. 0.98

00:37:40.000 You think it sucks? 1.00

00:37:41.000 I think it sucks. 0.99

00:37:42.000 Let's get together the best legal scholars and people that understand human nature and let's conduct and compose a system that works. 0.97

00:37:51.000 And let's really run the government like it's one of us and that we're all in this together. 0.99

00:37:56.000 These old fucks don't realize that. 1.00

00:37:58.000 They just cling to power till they're in the grave. 1.00

00:38:01.000 They just hang on to it like it's a rope hanging over the abyss.

00:38:04.000 They know they're gonna drop into it.

00:38:06.000 They don't want to let go.

00:38:08.000 We need to control these independents! 1.00

00:38:11.000 Reduce the number of percentages they have to be...

00:38:14.000 It's just the way it's gonna be, man.

00:38:17.000 I'm fascinated by the just level of...

00:38:21.000 Obviously, we have egos to want to do what we do, but to want to run...

00:38:26.000 A country?

00:38:27.000 Just a level?

00:38:28.000 Dude, if you can't take jokes and you can't play basketball and you're not really good at fighting, you find a way to be special.

00:38:35.000 To want to run it.

00:38:37.000 This is a different...

00:38:37.000 It's a weird impulse.

00:38:39.000 It's a different type of pressure.

00:38:42.000 Here's the weirdest thing about that impulse.

00:38:45.000 When you see someone out there in the world, when you see someone that you admire, whether it's an athlete or a brilliant scholar or whoever the fuck it is, you see someone, a musician, you see someone you really admire, that person has accomplished something amazing.

00:39:01.000 Right.

00:39:04.000 Is get people to like him.

00:39:06.000 Right.

00:39:07.000 That's it.

00:39:08.000 Like, Obama really didn't have a whole lot of experience in the world, like creating things or making things.

00:39:16.000 It went from being, what, a lawyer to a senator, right?

00:39:19.000 Lawyer, yeah, then community activist.

00:39:21.000 Yeah.

00:39:22.000 And then, yeah, state senator, then a senator.

00:39:25.000 I mean...

00:39:26.000 And he got in, I think, I don't know if it was state senator or senator, but he got in because, uh...

00:39:31.000 He moved up because a dude had a sex scandal in Illinois.

00:39:35.000 Oh, that's right.

00:39:36.000 That's right.

00:39:37.000 Who was that dude?

00:39:38.000 That's your state.

00:39:39.000 I forget.

00:39:39.000 I forget who it was.

00:39:42.000 But it's not like, pick a person.

00:39:46.000 Like, you know, some great person in history that's done something amazing.

00:39:51.000 And you look at them and you're like, wow, I would love it if that great person of wisdom and accomplishment, if that person would step up and be president.

00:39:59.000 That doesn't necessarily have to be the case in America.

00:40:03.000 All you have to do is just be liked.

00:40:04.000 Right.

00:40:05.000 That's kind of crazy.

00:40:07.000 It is.

00:40:08.000 It is.

00:40:11.000 I don't even know.

00:40:12.000 I mean, both Hillary and Trump are 70 or 69. Yeah, they're too old.

00:40:20.000 Why are you doing that?

00:40:21.000 Why are you doing that?

00:40:22.000 Old people can dream, but don't dream so big. 1.00

00:40:24.000 Dude, you're 30 and you're thinking about retiring.

00:40:26.000 I'm Yeah, 33. You're already buying hotels and thinking about an exit strategy.

00:40:32.000 Yeah, I'm thinking about 100% because I like this.

00:40:35.000 I enjoy this, but I mean, I see how I can go.

00:40:39.000 I just see how I look at how other people have handled their moment and how other people have handled their finances, and I don't want any part of that.

00:40:49.000 So I'm making every step, everything I do, Every day is about being super stable seven years from now and comfortable and to have enough passive income where I don't have to worry about that.

00:41:02.000 That's very smart, man.

00:41:03.000 It's very smart.

00:41:04.000 And you're doing it, like, in a real proactive way.

00:41:06.000 Not a whole lot of people look at it that way.

00:41:08.000 Everybody else just sort of, like, rides it out, you know?

00:41:13.000 Or...

00:41:13.000 Well, it's a weird mindset, right?

00:41:15.000 It's like the investment mindset is so different than the creative mindset.

00:41:17.000 Yeah.

00:41:18.000 It's just...

00:41:20.000 Just look, I mean, it's just, you know, not just spending smart and just, I research a lot now and just, you know, shift my internet time from the bullshit to just looking at properties and just...

00:41:32.000 That's smart.

00:41:33.000 Trying to do something else, man, and just, I just don't, I don't want to end up on no special.

00:41:39.000 He spent in 2014 and now he's done it now.

00:41:45.000 Real Hollywood stories.

00:41:47.000 Hannibal Buress. 0.78

00:41:48.000 I don't want to be on some goofy ass show that I don't want to be doing eight years from now where you're like, oh, he definitely needed the money.

00:41:56.000 I don't want to do anything that I don't want to do. 0.51

00:41:57.000 Isn't that a funny conversation, man?

00:41:59.000 That's a funny conversation because we all know what it's like.

00:42:02.000 Have you ever been on a bad show?

00:42:03.000 On a bad show?

00:42:05.000 Like a bad TV? Not on, no.

00:42:08.000 Not really.

00:42:08.000 I haven't done that much, that many different TV shows.

00:42:11.000 There's a bunch of dudes out there right now working in lumberyards, driving trucks, taking meth, trying to stay awake, listening to us right now, going, you fucking bitches are complaining about being on a shitty TV show. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Where do I sign up, bro? 1.00

00:42:23.000 Where the fuck do I sign up to get out of this job? 0.97

00:42:26.000 And you're right, folks. 0.98

00:42:28.000 You're right.

00:42:28.000 You gotta humor us.

00:42:30.000 Yeah.

00:42:30.000 You gotta humor us.

00:42:31.000 Because I've been on a bad show, and I was on a show that was worse than a bad show.

00:42:36.000 It was a good show.

00:42:37.000 It turned into a bad show.

00:42:39.000 I was on the show called Hardball, and it started out, these guys who wrote it, they wrote for The Simpsons, they wrote for Married With Children, Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran, really smart guys.

00:42:47.000 Yeah.

00:42:47.000 And they wrote this hilarious pilot.

00:42:51.000 We did it.

00:42:51.000 Jim Brewer was in the pilot, and I was in the pilot, and a bunch of other people that wound up doing a bunch of different movies and shit.

00:42:57.000 And it was a funny pilot, and then the network got a hold of it, and they just fucked the shit out of it. 0.91

00:43:09.000 For a season? 0.94

00:43:22.000 No, only like six episodes.

00:43:23.000 Six episodes?

00:43:24.000 The first one was the pilot, which was really funny.

00:43:26.000 And then it just was like all of a sudden I was over here doing something that was terrible.

00:43:30.000 And you're better off doing nothing than doing something you hate.

00:43:34.000 Yeah.

00:43:34.000 That doesn't make any sense because you make money and ultimately it's worth doing.

00:43:37.000 And ultimately for me it was definitely worth something because I learned from the experience.

00:43:41.000 Right.

00:43:42.000 You can't just do a TV show.

00:43:43.000 Right.

00:43:44.000 You got to be sure.

00:43:45.000 And even if you're sure, like the pilot was really funny, I was pretty sure that that would be okay.

00:43:50.000 It doesn't matter because a bunch of other factors can fall into place.

00:43:53.000 Yeah.

00:43:54.000 I just remembered I did do a bad show.

00:43:56.000 It was my TV show last year.

00:44:01.000 What happened with that?

00:44:02.000 I think...

00:44:04.000 I mean, we had our moments, but it just...

00:44:06.000 We might need some more booze to get the truth out of you. 1.00

00:44:08.000 No, I told you.

00:44:09.000 Can I get out here with some ice?

00:44:13.000 I think it just...

00:44:14.000 It had its moments, but we didn't...

00:44:18.000 They came with an idea.

00:44:20.000 They came to me.

00:44:21.000 And the producer and Comedy Central came.

00:44:23.000 Basically, this is the show.

00:44:25.000 This is the idea.

00:44:26.000 Hannibal doing sketches, man, on the street stuff.

00:44:28.000 Just figuring out the answers to these questions.

00:44:32.000 But it's just...

00:44:34.000 I guess we didn't really focus it and focus the point of view.

00:44:40.000 And it was kind of all over the place.

00:44:42.000 And we had our funny moments and did a couple good sketches.

00:44:45.000 But it just...

00:44:46.000 By the end of it, it didn't feel...

00:44:48.000 I wasn't excited anymore.

00:44:50.000 Those last two episodes were... 0.99

00:44:53.000 You know, when we do it in front of a live audience, it really was just about finishing that shit, man. 1.00

00:44:58.000 Wow, I hate to hear that, man. 1.00

00:45:00.000 Yeah, it's...

00:45:01.000 But I'm happy I did it and I had that moment where, you know, for...

00:45:06.000 What was that?

00:45:06.000 Two months last year?

00:45:08.000 I had my own TV show.

00:45:09.000 Not a lot of people get to say that.

00:45:12.000 But, yeah, it's just, you know...

00:45:15.000 And you learned a lot.

00:45:16.000 I learned a lot.

00:45:17.000 It was fun.

00:45:18.000 Got to work with some cool people.

00:45:20.000 But yeah, it just wasn't, as far as what I wanted my first, you know, kind of headlining project to be, it wasn't that.

00:45:30.000 Beautiful.

00:45:31.000 Jameson and Whiskey and Ice just brought up.

00:45:35.000 Now, what were you trying to do and what went wrong?

00:45:40.000 What am I, an interviewer now?

00:45:41.000 Listen to that.

00:45:42.000 Give me the glass, bro.

00:45:43.000 Give me some ice.

00:45:44.000 I sounded like Matt Lauer.

00:45:46.000 What are you trying to do?

00:45:48.000 I just went into interview mode as I got some ice.

00:45:51.000 You know, I think I kind of went into it not, you know, not really knowing...

00:45:57.000 I mean, I learned later on how to run things better and how to give people direction on what I needed a little bit better, but I don't think we came in with a focus.

00:46:08.000 Because I was thinking with a TV show, not that we would completely...

00:46:19.000 We never did a true pilot episode.

00:46:23.000 Cheers.

00:46:24.000 We never did a true pilot episode.

00:46:26.000 Our pilot episode was...

00:46:29.000 Our premiere episode, and I look at some of my choices.

00:46:33.000 I chose this weird-ass closing bit on there.

00:46:37.000 Oh, why did I pick that as a bit?

00:46:39.000 I didn't write it, but I liked it.

00:46:41.000 Sometimes you like stuff in the writer's room.

00:46:44.000 That is hilarious. 1.00

00:46:45.000 And then you execute that shit, and you're like... 1.00

00:46:48.000 What were we doing? 1.00

00:46:49.000 Can I ask you a question?

00:46:50.000 Sure.

00:46:51.000 Okay.

00:46:51.000 Outside of a television show, if you were just sitting around and someone said, Hannibal, I want you to just be your creative self, would you ever gravitate towards writing sketches?

00:47:01.000 Would I gravitate towards writing?

00:47:03.000 Yeah.

00:47:05.000 On your own?

00:47:06.000 On my own?

00:47:07.000 No, but it's sometimes where I come up with something that definitely works better visually than stand-up.

00:47:16.000 Oh, I try to tell a stand-up bit, but it'll work better visually or animated or as a sketch, yeah.

00:47:24.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:47:25.000 I agree.

00:47:25.000 There's some subjects that I've had to abandon.

00:47:28.000 I thought they were hilarious, but they just didn't...

00:47:32.000 They were a better idea for a play than they would be for a stand-up comedy.

00:47:38.000 But when we're coming up...

00:47:41.000 Everybody wanted to be on Saturday Night Live because Eddie Murphy was on there.

00:47:44.000 Everybody wanted to be on sketch comedy shows because that would lead to these big careers like Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider and all these people that became these huge movie stars, right?

00:47:56.000 So we all gravitated towards acting, and then there were sitcoms where Roseanne made all this money, and then Seinfeld made all this money. 0.68

00:48:04.000 He's like, oh shit, I gotta get a sitcom.

00:48:06.000 But when I was on that bad sitcom, halfway in, I was like, this is not what I wanted to do. 1.00

00:48:11.000 I fucked up. 0.98

00:48:12.000 I listened to the... 1.00

00:48:12.000 I wanted to do stand-up. 1.00

00:48:14.000 That's what I wanted to do.

00:48:15.000 Now with a guy like you, what I want to hear is you talk about everything. 0.99

00:48:20.000 I want to hear you doing prepared shit if that's what you want to do. 1.00

00:48:25.000 What I would want to hear from you, if I was a producer and I was a network and I was Comedy Central, I would say Hannibal, listen, fuck all these executives. 1.00

00:48:32.000 Fuck all these producers. 1.00

00:48:34.000 What do you think is funny? 1.00

00:48:35.000 What do you want to do?

00:48:37.000 I don't want a bunch of people filtering the Hannibal vision.

00:48:41.000 When Doug Stanhope and I did The Man Show, which was a giant mistake, one of the big problems with that show was...

00:48:49.000 If Doug and I had a fucked up idea, by the time it would get to the- it would be all watered down by the time it would ever get to the television.

00:48:56.000 There's no way you could just have some- the only way to do that is like the internet. 0.82

00:49:00.000 The internet is the only way where you could just- like if someone was smart, they would come along and they would say, listen, if I was Comedy Central, I would say Hannibal. 0.78

00:49:09.000 It's just like- And we're just going to give you a production team and just come up with whatever the fuck you want to come up with.

00:49:17.000 I want you to take six months. 0.98

00:49:18.000 Just think about what you want to do.

00:49:20.000 Because I know it's going to be funny.

00:49:22.000 I think you're hilarious.

00:49:23.000 I'll take six months. 0.99

00:49:24.000 Come up with whatever the fuck you want to do. 1.00

00:49:27.000 Let's put this shit online. 1.00

00:49:29.000 Let's do this. 1.00

00:49:30.000 Come on! 0.61

00:49:32.000 And then if they wanted to make a television show out of that, I mean, that's what happened with Ari Shafir's show.

00:49:36.000 Yeah.

00:49:36.000 Yeah, they were doing it as the online thing.

00:49:39.000 Yeah.

00:49:39.000 And honestly, the online's better.

00:49:42.000 It's better to get on the online.

00:49:43.000 No.

00:49:44.000 If you go on the online, it's there always.

00:49:47.000 It's there any minute of any day.

00:49:48.000 If it's just the TV version of it, I mean, once it goes online, then it becomes equal to the online version.

00:49:54.000 Right.

00:49:54.000 But there's no, like, loss in not having the TV version.

00:49:58.000 Because, like, if someone watches Comedy Central during a show when Ari's on, like, what is Ari's ratings?

00:50:03.000 What does he get, like, a million dollars an episode?

00:50:05.000 Or a million people an episode?

00:50:07.000 A million dollars an episode?

00:50:08.000 He'd be very happy.

00:50:09.000 He'd be crazy.

00:50:10.000 But if he got a million people an episode, like, you could easily, if you had a crazy viral video, like some of Joey Diaz's videos, they probably have close to a million, right?

00:50:20.000 How many of Joey's things on This Is Not Happening have more than a million?

00:50:25.000 Find out what Joey Diaz's stories on This Is Not Happening have.

00:50:28.000 I guarantee you they have a million.

00:50:30.000 Yeah, because people, I mean, it's just, people can watch it on their phone, they can watch whatever, they share it on their- And they hear it and they tell your friends.

00:50:35.000 Yeah.

00:50:36.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:50:37.000 So if you did that, and you had a show like that, it was just you, if you really want to do a show, just you doing whatever the fuck you think is funny, I'd watch it. 0.94

00:50:52.000 I'm going to figure it out. 0.98

00:50:53.000 I'm sure I DVR'd the shit out of that show. 0.85

00:50:55.000 I'm going to figure it out.

00:50:56.000 I've been kind of...

00:50:57.000 What do we got here?

00:50:58.000 It's us.

00:50:59.000 Oh, look.

00:51:00.000 What is this?

00:51:00.000 This is not happening.

00:51:01.000 Joey Diaz.

00:51:02.000 1,129,487 views.

00:51:06.000 That's what I'm talking about.

00:51:07.000 Yeah.

00:51:08.000 I mean, that's real numbers, man.

00:51:11.000 I mean, that's the same kind of numbers you get if you have a TV show. 1.00

00:51:15.000 It's the same shit. 1.00

00:51:17.000 Definitely. 1.00

00:51:18.000 It's real close, man.

00:51:20.000 We're like maybe a year or two away from the idea of being on a television show being no different than the idea of being on a YouTube show.

00:51:31.000 I mean, a lot of these...

00:51:33.000 I'm doing some Celebrities React show on Thursday.

00:51:40.000 Where they, like, our viewership is four times the average TV show.

00:51:45.000 Like, that's in the email.

00:51:47.000 They talk about their numbers.

00:51:49.000 Like, yeah, it's two times the normal this, four times that.

00:51:53.000 And they have a crazy subscriber list on YouTube, millions of subscribers.

00:51:59.000 YouTube, where is that?

00:52:00.000 For a lot of things.

00:52:01.000 It's just a matter of time.

00:52:03.000 I mean, that's how Comedy Central now...

00:52:06.000 Judges the success of the show, not just on air, the initial air, they judge it based on the Facebook shares, the YouTube stuff, the Snapchat thing, and all of that.

00:52:20.000 It's a combined formula that they use to judge the success of the show.

00:52:26.000 It's smart.

00:52:27.000 I mean, that's really the way to think about it because they have to be honest.

00:52:30.000 There's a giant percentage of the people that are going to watch their show on YouTube or any other...

00:52:35.000 I mean, I don't know how many people watch ComedyCentral.com.

00:52:38.000 Do you know?

00:52:40.000 I would imagine it's not nearly as much as YouTube.

00:52:42.000 But what's amazing about YouTube is there's only one YouTube.

00:52:47.000 Yeah.

00:52:47.000 How is there not a million YouTubes?

00:52:51.000 How is there not a million of these weird websites where you can just upload video anytime you want and watch the craziest shit all day long? 0.97

00:52:59.000 I mean, there's LiveLeak, right? 0.96

00:53:01.000 There's...

00:53:02.000 What are the other ones?

00:53:03.000 There's a lot of weird ones that are based on different countries.

00:53:05.000 But they're not popular.

00:53:06.000 Not, yeah.

00:53:07.000 There's one popular one.

00:53:09.000 If you say I saw...

00:53:10.000 Google bought YouTube.

00:53:13.000 Skynet.

00:53:14.000 Hmm.

00:53:16.000 135 million bucks is all they paid too.

00:53:18.000 That's it?

00:53:19.000 For YouTube?

00:53:19.000 Yeah.

00:53:20.000 When did they buy it?

00:53:22.000 2004 or 5 I think.

00:53:24.000 How much is Kanye's entire sneaker line worth?

00:53:27.000 If he sold every sneaker, is that a hundred million?

00:53:31.000 It's worth pretty close to that probably.

00:53:33.000 That's probably pretty close.

00:53:34.000 That's amazing.

00:53:35.000 That's how much they paid for that.

00:53:37.000 For YouTube. 0.93

00:53:38.000 YouTube is a monster.

00:53:40.000 Yeah.

00:53:40.000 It's somehow or another in this world of the internet Where there's probably like, what, how many hundreds of millions of websites?

00:53:50.000 I take that.

00:53:51.000 I had to correct that.

00:53:52.000 1.65 billion in stock. 1.00

00:53:53.000 Oh, you son of a bitch. 1.00

00:53:56.000 Wrong comma. 1.00

00:53:57.000 Wrong comma.

00:53:58.000 Wrong comma.

00:53:58.000 Jesus, Jamie.

00:53:59.000 Meanwhile, here's some perspective.

00:54:01.000 The UFC sold for 4 billion. 0.99

00:54:04.000 It's more valuable to kick people in the dick and the head and elbow them in the face than it is to create YouTube. 0.99

00:54:13.000 I looked something up on it the other day. 1.00

00:54:15.000 I think that's why the numbers were stuck in my head.

00:54:17.000 At least from what I read, it costs something like $6.7 billion to run YouTube right now.

00:54:23.000 Every year?

00:54:24.000 A year.

00:54:24.000 And the revenue they're getting, maybe just from ads, is less than $5 billion.

00:54:28.000 So they're taking a loss on it.

00:54:29.000 What?

00:54:31.000 They're doing the future bet, kind of.

00:54:32.000 It won't be that for four or five more years.

00:54:34.000 It's just how it has been.

00:54:35.000 Oh, so that's why there's only one YouTube. 0.97

00:54:38.000 It's fucking tough to be YouTube. 0.97

00:54:40.000 It's expensive. 0.99

00:54:41.000 That makes sense.

00:54:43.000 It's amazing, though.

00:54:44.000 I mean, if you want to talk about an incredible...

00:54:48.000 Example of success like YouTube is the only video upstream place that everybody or upload place that everybody recognizes Instantly yeah in the sea of the internet Yes, sir.

00:55:00.000 That's incredible.

00:55:01.000 It's top-notch man They do do some good you do do you do ads with them?

00:55:06.000 No, no, I mean they put up ads, but I don't have anything to do with it.

00:55:09.000 Yeah We do just ads on this show.

00:55:12.000 And then we upload...

00:55:14.000 The difference between the YouTube version of this show and the podcast version...

00:55:18.000 The podcast version has...

00:55:20.000 They has...

00:55:23.000 Ads that we read, you know, like from a promo email thing.

00:55:28.000 And then the YouTube one has no ads.

00:55:31.000 It just goes up and then whatever ads, YouTube ads, they add into it.

00:55:34.000 Okay.

00:55:36.000 As for Onnit, I took some of the Onnit.

00:55:38.000 How you feeling?

00:55:39.000 I think I'm feeling, I don't know.

00:55:41.000 Maybe the whiskey is canceling it out.

00:55:44.000 Or maybe I'm just normal.

00:55:45.000 Nah, I'm feeling a little drunk.

00:55:47.000 I'm good.

00:55:48.000 Yeah, it's not going to help the drunk too much.

00:55:51.000 Maybe it'll help you formulate sentences.

00:55:53.000 Meanwhile, the word formulate came out very clumsily.

00:55:58.000 Formulate.

00:56:00.000 You ever been to Israel?

00:56:02.000 No.

00:56:02.000 Have you?

00:56:03.000 No.

00:56:04.000 I got offered a gig in Israel.

00:56:06.000 Don't go.

00:56:07.000 In June.

00:56:08.000 Why not?

00:56:08.000 I'm reactionary.

00:56:09.000 I don't know.

00:56:10.000 You should go.

00:56:11.000 I took it.

00:56:12.000 You took it.

00:56:13.000 I took the gig.

00:56:15.000 When is it for?

00:56:16.000 It was supposed to be in June.

00:56:17.000 Supposed to be.

00:56:19.000 Spoiler alert.

00:56:22.000 I unearthed the lead.

00:56:24.000 But still an interesting story.

00:56:27.000 So I took this gig in Israel, in Tel Aviv.

00:56:31.000 Only because my ex-girlfriend... 1.00

00:56:34.000 Is Israeli?

00:56:35.000 Is Israeli.

00:56:36.000 Oh my god.

00:56:37.000 And so I'm thinking... 1.00

00:56:37.000 Did she ever fuck you with a machine gun in your mouth? 1.00

00:56:40.000 No. 1.00

00:56:41.000 She's not real.

00:56:41.000 What the...

00:56:42.000 And so...

00:56:46.000 She's Israeli.

00:56:47.000 And I'm thinking, hey, maybe she wanna come on this trip with me.

00:56:52.000 Right.

00:56:52.000 You know what I mean?

00:56:52.000 So I'll take this.

00:56:53.000 I'll take this gig over here.

00:56:56.000 And...

00:56:57.000 And then I took the gig.

00:56:59.000 Turns out she was mad because she was like, you didn't go to Tel Aviv with me when we were together.

00:57:06.000 So now I got this gig in Tel Aviv that's not even routed with anything else.

00:57:11.000 And then I started getting these tweets when people, you know, why are you going to Tel Aviv?

00:57:17.000 Do you know what they're doing to the Palestinian people? 1.00

00:57:20.000 You are supporting genocide. 0.67

00:57:21.000 And I'm like, I was just trying to get back on my ex-girlfriend.

00:57:26.000 And he's like, you are supporting hate?

00:57:30.000 You're supporting this Zionist? 0.99

00:57:31.000 I'm like, I didn't know.

00:57:33.000 I just heard it was dope beaches.

00:57:36.000 Ha ha ha!

00:57:39.000 And so I was getting all these, and they were like, why would you do this?

00:57:43.000 Join these other artists that are boycotting Israel.

00:57:47.000 Is that common?

00:57:49.000 I think it was like Talib.

00:57:51.000 I think it was a bunch of other people that won't tour.

00:57:54.000 Vanilla Ice.

00:57:55.000 Vanilla Ice.

00:57:57.000 Craig Zappa.

00:57:59.000 Craig Mack.

00:58:00.000 Yeah, Craig Mack.

00:58:01.000 Ellen DeGeneres.

00:58:03.000 G-Depp.

00:58:05.000 Lil Wayne.

00:58:07.000 A lot of people.

00:58:08.000 Bette Midler won't go over there. 0.99

00:58:09.000 Oh my god.

00:58:10.000 But yeah, so it was just funny getting all of these angry political tweets. 1.00

00:58:15.000 Okay, that is fucked up. 0.99

00:58:16.000 What's going on over there? 0.99

00:58:17.000 But that's not...

00:58:18.000 Can I be sympathetic and also maybe do this gig?

00:58:21.000 I ended up canceling the gig, but not because of the tweets and the anger.

00:58:26.000 It was just because I booked a movie that conflicted with it.

00:58:30.000 The movie was more important than the motherland.

00:58:31.000 But let me ask you this.

00:58:32.000 Honestly, if the girl was going to go with you, and you knew you were going to get your freak on, would you have taken the gig over the movie, or would you have broken her heart and not taken her back to the motherland?

00:58:43.000 I would have taken her back another time.

00:58:44.000 Another time.

00:58:45.000 Good move.

00:58:46.000 A gentleman.

00:58:46.000 See?

00:58:47.000 Not, it's over, bitch. 1.00

00:58:48.000 Sorry. 1.00

00:58:48.000 You missed it. 1.00

00:58:49.000 I'm on Fast and the Furious 56. If I was a girl, I'd be so pissed if a dude broke my crazy trip to Israel for Fast and the Furious 56. To do three lines in it?

00:59:04.000 Fuck you and fuck Vin Diesel. 1.00

00:59:05.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:59:08.000 You get run over by a charger. 1.00

00:59:12.000 And...

00:59:14.000 That's a good move, though.

00:59:15.000 Take her another time. 0.79

00:59:16.000 Yeah, I mean, we'll see.

00:59:17.000 But did you guys communicate afterwards?

00:59:18.000 Did you settle down the issue that you never took her to Israel while you guys were together?

00:59:23.000 I don't think we settled.

00:59:24.000 I don't think that.

00:59:24.000 Some issues you can't settle down and you just work on what you can work on.

00:59:30.000 Again, let me bring this up.

00:59:31.000 Recreational outrage.

00:59:33.000 And let me pose a scenario, okay?

00:59:35.000 Okay.

00:59:35.000 Here's a scenario.

00:59:36.000 You two are living in a cave, okay?

00:59:39.000 And a bear just ate her sister.

00:59:41.000 And you guys saw it.

00:59:43.000 And you escaped, and you fought off the bear's friends with a spear, and you made it to the top of the cave.

00:59:49.000 Wait, the bear's friends are other bears?

00:59:51.000 We're living 500,000 years ago, Hannibal.

00:59:53.000 Okay.

00:59:54.000 And the bear's friends are other bears?

00:59:56.000 Other bears.

00:59:56.000 Why don't you just say other bears instead of the bear's friends?

00:59:59.000 I don't know.

00:59:59.000 Because I'm making it up as I go along.

01:00:00.000 Because it made it sound like, when you said the bear's friends, it made it sound like it could be like a giraffe or like some other animals.

01:00:05.000 That's a good point.

01:00:06.000 It's other bears.

01:00:06.000 I don't think bears are friends with anything they can eat.

01:00:09.000 But yeah.

01:00:09.000 But I just assumed.

01:00:10.000 Bear's friends, it's other bears.

01:00:12.000 It's another.

01:00:12.000 I'm so sorry.

01:00:13.000 You make a really good point.

01:00:14.000 So.

01:00:16.000 Managing to save this girl from being predated upon by these monsters, these giant monsters.

01:00:24.000 You fight them off.

01:00:25.000 And you get her up to a top cave.

01:00:26.000 You carry her over your shoulders.

01:00:28.000 You lay her down on the skins.

01:00:30.000 We both are unscathed.

01:00:32.000 Yes, unscathed.

01:00:33.000 But her sister's dead. 1.00

01:00:34.000 And you lay her down on the skins of a bear that you've also killed yourself with a fucking spear. 1.00

01:00:40.000 In a separate situation. 1.00

01:00:41.000 In a separate situation.

01:00:41.000 So this is all clean and everything.

01:00:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:43.000 She's not going to complain about you not taking her to the motherland, to Israel, when you guys were dating.

01:00:51.000 She's not going to give a fuck. 0.99

01:00:52.000 Because the stakes are much higher. 0.99

01:00:55.000 You're a hero.

01:00:57.000 You've saved her physical entity.

01:00:59.000 You've saved her soul from passing on to the next generation of doubt. 0.98

01:01:04.000 This beyond land where no one knows what the fuck is really going on. 0.96

01:01:09.000 You get glimpses if you take mushrooms. 0.98

01:01:11.000 You stick your head and you pop it back.

01:01:13.000 And you're never really quite sure whether or not what you saw.

01:01:16.000 Whatever you saw was real.

01:01:18.000 Right. 1.00

01:01:18.000 Then you'd fuck her on that fucking rug. 1.00

01:01:22.000 But meanwhile... 1.00

01:01:23.000 I don't think I'd fuck... 1.00

01:01:23.000 She's mad. 1.00

01:01:24.000 Because her sister just died.

01:01:26.000 Yeah, you would. 1.00

01:01:27.000 You'd fuck her. 1.00

01:01:27.000 You'd be happy. 1.00

01:01:28.000 She'd be happy for saving her life.

01:01:30.000 Yeah.

01:01:31.000 Maybe not her sister.

01:01:32.000 How about her cousin?

01:01:33.000 How about her cousin who was kind of cunty? 0.99

01:01:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:35.000 Her cousin who was fat and big and she had giant ankles and she hated her her whole life because she had shitty genetics. 1.00

01:01:41.000 She's got pink hair. 1.00

01:01:44.000 She likes to bully small boys. 0.98

01:01:45.000 How about that girl? 0.99

01:01:47.000 Maybe.

01:01:48.000 I mean, you know, you'd have to ask her.

01:01:50.000 Can you imagine if that was the case in the cave people community? 0.95

01:01:54.000 There was this one girl who was like a cock blocker. 1.00

01:01:56.000 She had rules. 1.00

01:01:57.000 She's like, I can't fuck you because my friends tell... 1.00

01:02:01.000 We all have a rule. 1.00

01:02:02.000 When we go back to a room, we just can't do it. 1.00

01:02:07.000 You can't fuck a guy. 1.00

01:02:08.000 Not on the first date. 1.00

01:02:09.000 Not on the first date.

01:02:10.000 Only after he's built at least seven fires for you.

01:02:15.000 Yeah.

01:02:15.000 So sad.

01:02:16.000 So sad people not being able to be themselves because they met so many people along the way that weren't themselves and they're like, God damn it, I can't show you yet. 0.82

01:02:23.000 Yeah.

01:02:23.000 I can't take off my kabuki mask and show you the soul of the eternal self.

01:02:28.000 Yeah.

01:02:29.000 Yeah.

01:02:30.000 I don't know.

01:02:32.000 I do.

01:02:33.000 Sometimes I, uh, this, uh, there was this waitress I was staying at the Vidara restaurant. 0.74

01:02:43.000 This is a good story, I can tell.

01:02:45.000 And she was beautiful.

01:02:48.000 And I was hanging out with my friend in Vegas.

01:02:52.000 She's cool where, you know, I can...

01:02:56.000 Openly talk about other women with her.

01:02:59.000 She was like, yeah, she's beautiful.

01:03:01.000 And this waitress, she was so...

01:03:03.000 AKA lesbian. 1.00

01:03:06.000 I don't know if that's the word.

01:03:09.000 But this waitress was so beautiful. 1.00

01:03:12.000 You ever meet a waitress... 0.95

01:03:13.000 I feel like she'd be playing like the Superfly soundtrack.

01:03:19.000 You ever meet a waitress where you say, you shouldn't be a waitress.

01:03:24.000 It wasn't about her looks.

01:03:26.000 She just had a sort of composure to her, just kind of restrained.

01:03:32.000 She was beautiful, but still just super... 1.00

01:03:34.000 She doesn't know yet that people will look at you weird if you're a waitress. 0.96

01:03:39.000 That's what it is.

01:03:40.000 She's a young person who doesn't understand.

01:03:42.000 And if she's lucky, she meets a guy like Hannibal Buress, who doesn't judge her for the fact that she's a waitress.

01:03:48.000 When she brought me to Bill, I wanted to say...

01:03:52.000 I want to say, what are your dreams and how can I help with them?

01:03:58.000 Did you say it?

01:03:59.000 No, I didn't say that.

01:04:00.000 You know why you didn't say it?

01:04:01.000 Because we don't hang out enough.

01:04:03.000 If I was right next to you, I'd be like, dude, listen to me. 1.00

01:04:05.000 Let this shit go. 1.00

01:04:06.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:04:08.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:04:10.000 Do you miss her? 1.00

01:04:12.000 I don't miss her, no.

01:04:14.000 Do you know where she is?

01:04:15.000 I know she's in Vegas.

01:04:18.000 How long ago was this?

01:04:19.000 This was yesterday.

01:04:21.000 You should go back.

01:04:22.000 This was yesterday in Vegas.

01:04:24.000 Our work here is done.

01:04:25.000 You should fly back.

01:04:27.000 But you know why I didn't?

01:04:29.000 She knew who I was.

01:04:32.000 I didn't want her having to sit with my weird energy.

01:04:37.000 She had to work her shift after my weird intense energy on her, so I didn't want to leave that stink on her for the rest of the day.

01:04:44.000 Also, that might be me overestimating my effect on people.

01:04:48.000 Mmm.

01:04:48.000 But you know what I mean?

01:04:49.000 That's very honest of you.

01:04:51.000 Yeah.

01:04:51.000 Cause she don't need that.

01:04:53.000 Right.

01:04:54.000 That's really honest.

01:04:55.000 Again, kudos.

01:04:56.000 A plus.

01:04:57.000 A plus for handling that weirdness.

01:04:59.000 Yeah, what do you do?

01:05:00.000 I mean, maybe she wasn't into you at all.

01:05:02.000 She might not have been into me. 0.58

01:05:02.000 She just thought she was really funny. 0.58

01:05:04.000 Yeah, which is the case most of the time.

01:05:06.000 A lot of the time.

01:05:06.000 A lot of the time, women are just fans.

01:05:08.000 They don't want nothing else besides that.

01:05:10.000 And that's a fine too, right?

01:05:12.000 I get sometimes girls up in a DM on Instagram and they'll say, hey, you want to meet up, have a drink?

01:05:21.000 And I'll just, depending on my mood, I'll say, you trying to get the pipe?

01:05:29.000 Just to see what the tone is, you know?

01:05:33.000 Because that's a reference to J.R. Smith for Basketball Play.

01:05:41.000 Some girl posted up his DMs.

01:05:47.000 So I'll say that sometimes.

01:05:50.000 Oh, he's a man amongst men.

01:05:52.000 How about him for president?

01:05:54.000 Run, sir.

01:05:55.000 Run.

01:05:56.000 But I'll just say that sometimes, because also I don't want...

01:05:58.000 It's funny.

01:05:59.000 I think that's...

01:06:00.000 Also, I think it's whack for a girl to just come in my DM. Yeah, that's... 1.00

01:06:05.000 Oh my God, that's brilliant.

01:06:07.000 So I stole that from him.

01:06:08.000 Oh, really?

01:06:08.000 Oh, really what?

01:06:09.000 You trying to get the pipe? 1.00

01:06:11.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:06:12.000 And that girl blew him up. 1.00

01:06:13.000 I'm going to your game tonight.

01:06:15.000 Dope.

01:06:16.000 Smiley face, I'm a ho.

01:06:17.000 Look, how weird is it?

01:06:18.000 You can see him, but her face is blurred out.

01:06:22.000 We should all be able to, like, see both parties.

01:06:25.000 If you want to put this up, you can't hide the darkness.

01:06:30.000 We should be able to know who you are, too.

01:06:32.000 That's a weird thing to do.

01:06:35.000 I like to set the tone sometimes.

01:06:38.000 I like that word, too.

01:06:40.000 Also, girls will hit me regular style and just say, hey, you want to grab drinks? 1.00

01:06:46.000 What?

01:06:46.000 You just hit me up the same way you talk to your friend?

01:06:49.000 Hey, you want to grab drinks?

01:06:50.000 Oh, there she is.

01:06:51.000 Say something better to me.

01:06:53.000 I'm a famous comedian.

01:06:55.000 Say something clever.

01:06:56.000 Do something. 1.00

01:06:57.000 Send a pic of your pussy or your titties or something. 1.00

01:06:59.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:07:00.000 Don't just say, you want to grab drinks.

01:07:02.000 This is not a normal situation.

01:07:05.000 If it was normal, you wouldn't be hitting me like this.

01:07:07.000 So say something better.

01:07:08.000 I see your point, but...

01:07:11.000 Let's think about their point.

01:07:14.000 I know what their point is.

01:07:15.000 They want to play casual.

01:07:16.000 They want to play cool.

01:07:16.000 They want to keep some innuendo and keep it subtle.

01:07:19.000 And I get that. 0.99

01:07:20.000 And sometimes I play along with that shit too and say, sure, let's grab a drink. 0.99

01:07:24.000 Let's grab a drink. 0.99

01:07:25.000 And I'll go through it with it and then everything goes down how I want it to go down.

01:07:28.000 But sometimes...

01:07:30.000 I just want to hear you say it.

01:07:31.000 I want to see you say it.

01:07:32.000 Right.

01:07:33.000 I hear what you're saying.

01:07:34.000 You're saying that you have sexual attraction to them. 0.99

01:07:38.000 And you want to be sure, if this shit goes any further, that this isn't just some weird celebrity thing. 0.99

01:07:44.000 Which it ends up being. 1.00

01:07:45.000 Because sometimes they're like, no, I don't want to fuck. 0.98

01:07:47.000 I just want to hang out with one of the funniest guys around. 0.99

01:07:50.000 Well, you know what?

01:07:50.000 I'm only in this town for a night.

01:07:52.000 I don't want to have...

01:07:54.000 Drinks with a fan, just casual platonic-ass drinks.

01:07:58.000 I think you should value my time more than that.

01:08:01.000 Or, here's the other possible point of view.

01:08:05.000 They don't understand why they're even attracted to you.

01:08:08.000 They just know they are.

01:08:10.000 They know that there's some funny going on.

01:08:12.000 They know that you're hilarious. 0.99

01:08:15.000 They know that you're smart as fuck. 0.99

01:08:17.000 They're drawn to you. 1.00

01:08:18.000 They're confused.

01:08:20.000 They can't believe they're in contact with a celebrity.

01:08:23.000 I have to accept the DM. I know, but they're in contact with you.

01:08:27.000 They're in contact.

01:08:29.000 It's weird. 0.99

01:08:29.000 But see, a lot of times, and it's something that I've accepted, that sometimes they just want to hang out for the fucking brag. 0.99

01:08:36.000 This one chick... 1.00

01:08:37.000 I think...

01:08:40.000 Yo, in Athens, Georgia, I use Date Naps sometimes.

01:08:45.000 And I use Bumble.

01:08:47.000 Bumble, what is your profile so we can get you laid? 0.94

01:08:50.000 It's just, I deleted it actually recently.

01:08:52.000 Oh girls, settle down girls. 1.00

01:08:54.000 I deleted it because I was like, this is too much, there's too much going on here.

01:08:58.000 So this chick in Athens. 0.99

01:09:00.000 Athens, Georgia.

01:09:01.000 Athens, Georgia.

01:09:02.000 Come through the room.

01:09:03.000 I think that's where Forrest Griffin's from.

01:09:06.000 She come through the room about... 0.81

01:09:07.000 I never met her.

01:09:11.000 She come through the hotel, like four.

01:09:14.000 We go over to the hotel bar, grab a beer, come right to the room.

01:09:18.000 It's kind of stiff and awkward, but she's kind of there for it.

01:09:23.000 End up having it. 0.93

01:09:24.000 We have sex. 0.89

01:09:27.000 It's pretty quick. 0.95

01:09:30.000 She's about to leave the room. 0.86

01:09:32.000 I'm like, alright, see you later.

01:09:34.000 I got a towel around my waist.

01:09:36.000 She's like, uh, can we take a picture real quick?

01:09:39.000 I'm like, no!

01:09:42.000 Wow. 1.00

01:09:42.000 You're not getting a fucking post-sex selfie with me? 1.00

01:09:46.000 Post-groovy sex selfie? 1.00

01:09:48.000 What world do you live in? 1.00

01:09:50.000 You just fucking take this story with you and get out of here. 1.00

01:09:52.000 I'm not getting a selfie. 0.99

01:09:55.000 But I make bad decisions all the time.

01:09:58.000 I feel like we should have a commercial break.

01:10:04.000 I don't know how to do one yet.

01:10:06.000 We can't splice in commercials.

01:10:10.000 You know, I think it's hard being a groupie just like it's hard being Hannibal Buress.

01:10:17.000 It's hard.

01:10:18.000 It's hard being a person.

01:10:20.000 Sorry to be in person.

01:10:22.000 Navigating these waters.

01:10:23.000 It's weird waters for everybody.

01:10:26.000 And I get the energy is bad.

01:10:28.000 Not bad, but just this.

01:10:29.000 You know what's weird, man?

01:10:31.000 Here's what's weird.

01:10:32.000 People don't even know why they're attracted to certain people.

01:10:35.000 They don't understand it.

01:10:36.000 You know, and they try to quantify it.

01:10:39.000 I think there's some people that are attracted to people in weird ways and they almost want to test the waters.

01:10:45.000 I want to meet you, Hannibal.

01:10:46.000 I don't think it's attractive.

01:10:49.000 I think it's straight up.

01:10:51.000 Sometimes it's attractive and then sometimes it's just straight up.

01:10:54.000 Your personal television.

01:10:56.000 Your personal stage.

01:10:57.000 It could be that.

01:10:58.000 But a lot of them are really young.

01:11:00.000 If a person's 24 years old, how much do they really understand completely about their motivations?

01:11:08.000 Right.

01:11:08.000 Or when someone's 22. What you're doing a lot of times is almost like on instinct.

01:11:14.000 And then you're sort of self-correcting as you go along.

01:11:18.000 You know?

01:11:18.000 Yeah.

01:11:22.000 Does that make any sense?

01:11:24.000 Mm-hmm.

01:11:25.000 You just do- I mean, I still occasionally make decisions.

01:11:31.000 What the- Yeah, of course.

01:11:33.000 Why did I let that person in my apartment?

01:11:36.000 Plus, you drink.

01:11:37.000 I should've gotten the hotel room instead drinking.

01:11:39.000 Drinking. 0.98

01:11:40.000 Goddammit, we're drunk right now. 0.99

01:11:42.000 I'm gonna say I'm drunk yet.

01:11:43.000 Yeah.

01:11:44.000 We're buzz.

01:11:45.000 Buzz.

01:11:45.000 These are big-ass drinks I poured.

01:11:47.000 Yeah.

01:11:47.000 This is really not smart.

01:11:49.000 Put this on the internet.

01:11:51.000 Yeah, we're about to- We're about to get memed up, man.

01:11:55.000 Meamed up and clipped up.

01:11:57.000 They're gonna clip it up.

01:11:58.000 We can handle this together.

01:11:59.000 They're gonna say...

01:12:00.000 We're gonna be pilot and co-pilot. 0.72

01:12:02.000 Misogynist comedian Hannibal Buress. 0.78

01:12:05.000 You know what you are, dude? 0.94

01:12:07.000 You're unfiltered.

01:12:08.000 And everybody wants to be unfiltered, but nobody wants unfiltered.

01:12:12.000 Yeah.

01:12:12.000 It's not nobody wants unfiltered...

01:12:14.000 But there's a lot of people that don't want unfiltered and they want you to think that nobody wants unfiltered.

01:12:19.000 Yeah.

01:12:19.000 Like, you're not saying anything that I wouldn't expect you to say if we were alone and the microphones were off.

01:12:25.000 Right.

01:12:25.000 If you and I were hanging out at the comedy store, we'd have the same conversation and I'd be laughing the exact same way.

01:12:30.000 Actually, we wouldn't because there'd be a bunch of other comedians ear hustling.

01:12:35.000 You don't trust them, but you'll tell it online.

01:12:38.000 Well, you know what it is?

01:12:40.000 It does seem, even though obviously it's way more people listening and watching, but it's more about the visual of other people.

01:12:48.000 You know when you're having a conversation with somebody, but you feel other people that's not part of the conversation looking.

01:12:55.000 Well, that feels more unnatural to me than doing this.

01:12:59.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:13:00.000 I agree a thousand percent.

01:13:02.000 Yeah.

01:13:02.000 And it probably doesn't make any sense.

01:13:04.000 It doesn't make any sense at all.

01:13:05.000 It doesn't make any sense at all.

01:13:07.000 That's why it's like, I think it's not their fault.

01:13:12.000 If someone's hanging around us, there's been situations like that before.

01:13:17.000 Where someone is like weaseled into a conversation between me or you or me it was me and Diaz and some other dude the other night and this guy came up to us and just Sandwiches way into a conversation in the kitchen.

01:13:28.000 Yeah, I'm like, how'd you get back here?

01:13:30.000 Like why come on man like but part of me Part of me thinks like if I was that guy, how would I do it right?

01:13:39.000 What do you do if you walk up? 0.92

01:13:42.000 You know, you're at the comedy store, you're supposed to go left to take a leak, and you go right, and you're into the kitchen, and Joey Diaz is talking to Ari Shafir and Hannibal, and you guys are all hanging out, and hilarious fucking stories are being told, 0.93

01:13:58.000 and you just want to stand there and stare. 0.88

01:14:02.000 Yeah, you would want to listen to it.

01:14:04.000 I would do it right now.

01:14:05.000 I would do it right now. 0.99

01:14:06.000 If those guys hated me, if for some reason those guys wouldn't be my friends anymore, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck I did, but damn, I gotta find a hole in this vent so I could listen in on them talk. 0.97

01:14:15.000 Dude, and one of the weirdest interactions I had with a fan, which I have a lot, because I go out a lot and go drinking, and so I'm super exposed all the time. 0.97

01:14:30.000 But I was in Chattanooga last year.

01:14:34.000 We played at this venue.

01:14:37.000 And we go out afterwards.

01:14:39.000 Me, Al Jackson, my boy Marcus, a couple girls we met, and we go to this bar.

01:14:48.000 Nice bar.

01:14:50.000 Not that many people there.

01:14:51.000 Maybe 12, 15 people in the whole bar.

01:14:53.000 It's big.

01:14:53.000 It's pool tables over on this side.

01:14:55.000 Bar is here.

01:14:57.000 They had these wings.

01:14:58.000 They had these smoked wings that I was eating.

01:15:01.000 Maybe the best wings I've had.

01:15:03.000 Ever?

01:15:03.000 Top five.

01:15:04.000 Ever? 0.66

01:15:05.000 I'm crushing them.

01:15:06.000 It was a spiritual experience.

01:15:08.000 What's so good about them?

01:15:09.000 They just were well-made.

01:15:10.000 They were grilled.

01:15:11.000 They were cooked well.

01:15:13.000 I wish I remember the name of this, but the wings were so good.

01:15:16.000 Grilled.

01:15:17.000 I'm just killing these wings. 0.87

01:15:18.000 Marinated? 0.99

01:15:18.000 In the zone. 0.99

01:15:20.000 Maybe marinated.

01:15:20.000 They had good sauce.

01:15:21.000 Hot?

01:15:22.000 You like spicy?

01:15:23.000 I do like spicy.

01:15:24.000 Me too.

01:15:24.000 But I'm destroying these wings.

01:15:27.000 I'm in the zone.

01:15:31.000 If it was NBA Jam, I was on fire.

01:15:34.000 I was like...

01:15:35.000 And then this dude comes up, man.

01:15:37.000 Hey, I was at the show.

01:15:39.000 Can I take a picture with you?

01:15:39.000 I said, yeah, man.

01:15:41.000 I'm eating wings.

01:15:42.000 I'm eating right now.

01:15:43.000 Give me a few minutes.

01:15:44.000 I'm happy to take a picture.

01:15:45.000 He's like, come on, man.

01:15:46.000 Let me take a picture.

01:15:47.000 I was at the show.

01:15:48.000 Man, I'm eating right now.

01:15:49.000 Let me just finish eating.

01:15:51.000 And he said, would you rather me take a wing or take a picture? 0.99

01:15:54.000 And I said, I'd rather you get the fuck out of my face right now. 1.00

01:15:59.000 I told you. 0.99

01:16:00.000 It wasn't a crowded bar.

01:16:04.000 It wasn't like a meet and greet.

01:16:06.000 I told him I was happy to take a picture with him afterwards.

01:16:08.000 Just let me finish. 1.00

01:16:09.000 I had sauce all over my hands and shit. 0.99

01:16:11.000 It's very reasonable. 0.99

01:16:13.000 Give me a few minutes. 0.98

01:16:14.000 He acts cool and reasonable about it and shit, but literally I know he's stewing a bunch about it. 0.97

01:16:23.000 So on the other side of the bar is another bigger space where the bathroom is. 0.97

01:16:28.000 So I go to the bathroom and I step out.

01:16:33.000 Coincidentally, who's at the bathroom?

01:16:35.000 Oh no.

01:16:36.000 He don't say nothing.

01:16:37.000 I walk past him, and then it's a long space before you get to the entrance to the bar again.

01:16:43.000 And I get there.

01:16:44.000 He's standing by the bathroom door.

01:16:46.000 He yells, Thought you were cool, Hannibal.

01:16:48.000 Thought you were cool. 1.00

01:16:49.000 You act like an asshole. 1.00

01:16:51.000 I paid $25 for your show. 1.00

01:16:54.000 You acting like you're Dave Chappelle or some shit. 1.00

01:16:57.000 Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart. 0.99

01:16:59.000 And how many days span between stories?

01:17:02.000 They're far apart from each other, but it's a go-to when people want to try to diss you and try to bring up a bigger comedian.

01:17:08.000 If I was Dave, I'd be pissed right now.

01:17:09.000 You think you're Dave. 1.00

01:17:11.000 How come the old story is me, motherfucker? 1.00

01:17:13.000 Right, right. 0.99

01:17:14.000 Basically...

01:17:14.000 He said, hey, if Dave Chappelle was mean to me when I kept bothering him while he was eating, I'd get it.

01:17:21.000 But you, you have to give me your time.

01:17:23.000 You think you're Dave Chappelle? 1.00

01:17:24.000 I was like, fuck you. 1.00

01:17:26.000 You paid for a show. 1.00

01:17:27.000 You didn't pay for a fucking meet and greet. 1.00

01:17:30.000 I told you I'd take the fucking picture with you after I was done eating and you kept pressing me. 1.00

01:17:36.000 And so he bitched about the $25 or whatever. 0.99

01:17:39.000 Nah, I'm like sitting, stewing, man. 1.00

01:17:42.000 I'm at the bar like this motherfucker. 0.99

01:17:43.000 I told him I'd take a picture with this bar and even crowd it. 1.00

01:17:46.000 It would have been easier to take a picture with it if he just fucking relaxed. 0.99

01:17:49.000 And then I fucking take... 0.99

01:17:53.000 $25 out of my pocket. 0.99

01:17:55.000 I ball it up.

01:17:56.000 He's over at the pool table.

01:17:57.000 I woke up, and I throw it at him.

01:17:59.000 Like, take your money back if that's what you wanted. 0.97

01:18:02.000 And then he throws it back at me, and I ball it up, hit him in the face with it. 0.92

01:18:06.000 Oh my goodness.

01:18:07.000 And then they were ready to fight.

01:18:08.000 And I was ready to fight the dude, but then his friend...

01:18:10.000 If I was there while this was all going on, I'd be like, where's the exit?

01:18:14.000 Okay, who's wearing clothes where I can't tell if they have a gun?

01:18:19.000 And then his friend... 1.00

01:18:20.000 Fuck this going on? 1.00

01:18:21.000 Then his friend... 1.00

01:18:21.000 I was ready to punch dude, actually. 1.00

01:18:23.000 And then his friend pulled out a camera phone, like, oh, your publicist's gonna love this.

01:18:26.000 And I'm like, I guess we're not fighting it.

01:18:29.000 Wow, you were ready to fight.

01:18:30.000 I was ready to fight.

01:18:31.000 It wasn't about the 25 bucks.

01:18:33.000 It was about...

01:18:33.000 It's about the words?

01:18:34.000 About the just talking shit and just acting like I wasn't... 0.99

01:18:37.000 I was being totally chill and saying, hey, I will. 0.99

01:18:41.000 Let me finish eating. 1.00

01:18:43.000 Fucking wipe my hands. 0.99

01:18:44.000 I'm happy to take a picture with you. 0.99

01:18:46.000 And he kept pressing me, and then he popped off afterwards after I thought we settled it.

01:18:50.000 Yeah.

01:18:51.000 I know what you mean, man.

01:18:53.000 From someone who's been interrupted while you're eating, it is annoying.

01:18:57.000 But I've always tried to figure out, like, okay, what is...

01:19:02.000 What's the difference between how weird it is for me to be eating for someone to come up to me than it is for them?

01:19:07.000 I've gotten better at that too over time where I put myself in the spot and I'm nice and I remember what it is to them for them to ask for that.

01:19:18.000 Yeah, listen man, I got a man crush on Anthony Bourdain and every time I hang around with him I feel goofy.

01:19:24.000 This is just a fact.

01:19:25.000 I just like him.

01:19:27.000 I like the way he thinks. 1.00

01:19:28.000 I like his balls. 0.99

01:19:30.000 The guy takes up jiu-jitsu when he's 58 years old. 0.98

01:19:33.000 I think in certain situations, you have to understand the way you feel around someone is affected by your respect for them, and sometimes it gets weird.

01:19:46.000 If a dude comes up to you and is like, Hey Hannibal, think I got a picture?

01:19:50.000 And you're like, I'm eating right now, man.

01:19:52.000 Relax. 0.99

01:19:53.000 And they don't even know what the fuck they're saying. 1.00

01:19:56.000 If I'm a Hannibal fan and I walk up and you got a mouth full of wings, I'm like, just real quick, let's take this picture, I got the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:20:04.000 I can't believe I took this chance. 0.73

01:20:06.000 But I was like, I told him, yeah.

01:20:08.000 But I get that side of it, and that's why I wish I didn't.

01:20:12.000 React like that, and I wish I kept it chill, which I do more often now, but it's just, I don't know.

01:20:20.000 What you just said is beautiful.

01:20:22.000 I do more often now, so you're thinking about it.

01:20:26.000 I'm aware of it when people come up to me and I just remember what it is that it...

01:20:34.000 It's a privilege that they, you know, support my work and try to just give them that moment. 0.98

01:20:42.000 But even still, sometimes motherfuckers are genuinely rude, and sometimes people can be entitled, and sometimes people don't care if you're talking to three women. 0.98

01:20:57.000 They will. 0.99

01:20:58.000 That's true. 1.00

01:20:58.000 They will bust that shit up. 1.00

01:21:00.000 You're right. 1.00

01:21:01.000 I mean, it's one of the things about life.

01:21:04.000 You never know who you're gonna run into. 0.86

01:21:06.000 You can run into someone that's just goofy.

01:21:08.000 Yeah, but it's an interesting lens, man.

01:21:15.000 It's an interesting lens, not just for you, but also for me to look through what you're talking about, but for other people, too, as well.

01:21:26.000 You know, I think we're all doing this weird thing, man.

01:21:29.000 We're all just surviving in this strange life that's temporary.

01:21:33.000 If we're lucky, we get a hundred years.

01:21:38.000 If you're lucky, but the last few years.

01:21:41.000 That's super lucky.

01:21:42.000 Super lucky.

01:21:43.000 For the last few years, you're just hanging on.

01:21:47.000 Yeah.

01:21:47.000 Just hanging on, just waiting to get weary enough so you let go and slip into the abyss.

01:21:55.000 Yeah.

01:21:55.000 I try to keep the perspective, especially in this business.

01:21:59.000 This is...

01:22:00.000 This is a limited moment.

01:22:03.000 This is a limited time.

01:22:04.000 But it's not.

01:22:05.000 It's not.

01:22:06.000 I hate when people like you say that.

01:22:07.000 What?

01:22:08.000 I think I was talking about this last time, too. 0.99

01:22:10.000 You're funny as fuck, dude. 0.98

01:22:11.000 You're not going anywhere. 1.00

01:22:13.000 I hate when someone who's fucking... 1.00

01:22:14.000 You know who pisses me off? 1.00

01:22:15.000 Jim Norton, if you listen to me, you cunt. 1.00

01:22:17.000 Stop telling me. 1.00

01:22:19.000 Stop telling me you're worried about the future.

01:22:21.000 Stop it. 0.99

01:22:22.000 You're fucking awesome. 0.98

01:22:23.000 I hate when awesome people don't know they're awesome. 0.97

01:22:27.000 You know? 1.00

01:22:27.000 Relax, bitch. 1.00

01:22:28.000 But even... 1.00

01:22:29.000 Jim Norton, you're fucking amazing. 0.99

01:22:31.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

01:22:32.000 You don't have a goddamn thing to worry about. 0.95

01:22:35.000 There's gonna be people going to see Jim Norton for the end of time. 0.99

01:22:38.000 And I'm one of them.

01:22:39.000 I feel the same way about you.

01:22:42.000 I don't know.

01:22:43.000 I mean, I just...

01:22:44.000 I think seven years.

01:22:47.000 Seven more years.

01:22:48.000 Hotels.

01:22:49.000 Got hotels on the brain.

01:22:50.000 Seven more years.

01:22:52.000 Stocks.

01:22:54.000 You know what?

01:22:54.000 You do stocks at all?

01:22:55.000 Stocks.

01:22:56.000 A little bit? 1.00

01:22:57.000 I do really intelligent Jewish gentlemen who handle your money because you're too fucking stupid to do it. 1.00

01:23:06.000 That's what I do. 1.00

01:23:10.000 Big fan of the Jews.

01:23:11.000 They had put a lot of my money in mutual funds.

01:23:19.000 I looked at what a mutual fund is with other people buying stocks.

01:23:22.000 I don't like that.

01:23:24.000 I cash out my mutual funds and I want to pick my own stocks.

01:23:28.000 Well, if you're really into owning hotels and picking stocks, I understand.

01:23:33.000 Me?

01:23:34.000 I'm not into that.

01:23:36.000 You know what company I like?

01:23:39.000 It's this company called Catapult Sports.

01:23:45.000 They do wearable GPS technology.

01:23:50.000 The Golden State Warriors use them.

01:23:53.000 Some other pro teams use them.

01:23:54.000 Like what are you wearing?

01:23:55.000 Like a vest or something?

01:23:56.000 It's like for practice, in different training, they track athletes' performance.

01:24:02.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:24:03.000 How crazy is that?

01:24:05.000 They're tracking people from a satellite, how fast they're moving?

01:24:09.000 I mean, I can't get into the super specifics of it.

01:24:13.000 Mark Cuban invested in them in 2014. I found them on accident when I was looking up some pharmaceutical company called Catalyst, and for some reason my brain put Catapult.

01:24:27.000 Then I found this company, started looking it up.

01:24:29.000 You found them by accident?

01:24:30.000 I found them on accident, started looking it up, and I... I invested in them kind of heavily.

01:24:36.000 That's a very good move.

01:24:38.000 Dude, you want to be my manager?

01:24:45.000 That is a really...

01:24:46.000 You got super, super fortunate.

01:24:49.000 That's like a crazy typo.

01:24:52.000 But yeah, it was recent.

01:24:54.000 It was about two months ago.

01:24:56.000 And anytime I call my stock guy, I keep upping my position in him.

01:25:00.000 And I'll call him and say, hey, give me $25,000 more on Catapult.

01:25:05.000 And then he'll be like, hey, well, let's...

01:25:07.000 Give me a call real quick.

01:25:09.000 You can't just text him.

01:25:11.000 He just wants to talk me through it.

01:25:13.000 You got a lot in Catapult already.

01:25:17.000 You sure you want to do Catapult?

01:25:19.000 What about that other stock I told you about?

01:25:22.000 That stock is doing way better now.

01:25:25.000 I like Catapult, man.

01:25:27.000 Dude, you just blew Catapult the fuck up.

01:25:30.000 I like what you just did.

01:25:33.000 I think it's a solid...

01:25:34.000 I mean, but I wouldn't...

01:25:36.000 I've told friends about it.

01:25:38.000 They like it, too.

01:25:39.000 It's still early in the company.

01:25:42.000 And they got offices in the States, too.

01:25:45.000 They're based in Australia, and I think... 0.99

01:25:47.000 If I don't know what the fuck it is, explain it to me. 0.98

01:25:49.000 What does it mean? 0.97

01:25:51.000 Wearable GPS technology. 0.93

01:25:54.000 Now, if I'm an idiot, and I'm hearing that, I'm like, okay, so you're using a satellite to track the movement of people on Earth? 0.88

01:26:01.000 They're tracking the performance. 0.99

01:26:02.000 Like, heart rate, workload, steps.

01:26:07.000 It's all done through, like, what, an ankle bracelet?

01:26:10.000 Like, what do you put on them?

01:26:12.000 I think that chest.

01:26:13.000 How do you know what the exertion is?

01:26:16.000 Is it a vest?

01:26:18.000 Oh, it's a vest.

01:26:19.000 Is it?

01:26:20.000 Okay.

01:26:21.000 Oh, this guy.

01:26:24.000 Oh, that's what you were showing me earlier?

01:26:27.000 Oh, that's different.

01:26:28.000 Okay, that makes sense.

01:26:29.000 This dude just got like a chest harness, which I'm sure could measure, I don't know, like energy?

01:26:37.000 What would it measure?

01:26:38.000 If it's...

01:26:40.000 How does something on your chest measure what you're doing with your legs?

01:26:43.000 Like, how do those iPhone apps measure your strides and how many steps you take in miles?

01:26:49.000 They can do it off of, like, it's not easy math, but they can tell how far, like, if you're six foot, they know how long, like, the bounce.

01:26:56.000 Oh, you enter your height.

01:26:58.000 Whatever it's called, the little cyclometer.

01:27:00.000 Oh, interesting.

01:27:01.000 I'm not thinking of the right word.

01:27:03.000 So it's not necessarily tracking you through GPS? This one might be.

01:27:08.000 I don't know.

01:27:09.000 This one is, right?

01:27:09.000 Isn't that the premise behind this one?

01:27:12.000 Do you know how they do it in the UFC when they're tracking how many feet they're running around the octagon?

01:27:16.000 Dude, that's a good question. 0.98

01:27:17.000 They don't have a GPS shit on them. 0.98

01:27:19.000 They're probably following them with a tracer. 0.99

01:27:21.000 Maybe a dude, it's his job to follow each person.

01:27:26.000 I mean, I would do that.

01:27:27.000 But you know what, man?

01:27:28.000 That statistic is interesting.

01:27:31.000 I support the chasing of the data.

01:27:33.000 I try to figure out how much someone will lose.

01:27:35.000 But it's not that important.

01:27:37.000 It's not that important.

01:27:38.000 It's weird.

01:27:40.000 It's getting super specific.

01:27:42.000 Because it doesn't necessarily...

01:27:44.000 It's a statistic.

01:27:47.000 It's interesting.

01:27:47.000 You shouldn't dwell on it.

01:27:49.000 So these dudes that are playing soccer, they monitor all that too? 0.98

01:27:54.000 How much each team runs and all that shit? 0.98

01:27:57.000 In football, they just recently, over the last couple of years, stopped hitting in practice. 0.99

01:28:00.000 Not because they found out about concussions and whatnot, but it's also added technology.

01:28:05.000 When I was at Cowboys training camp last week, there was a guy telling me they brought in 8K cameras for when Tony Romo was hurt so he could sit in a truck in the back of practice and watch real-time Football practice with a headset on, like VR stuff.

01:28:18.000 Oh, wow.

01:28:19.000 And so he could see the real speed.

01:28:21.000 You could see everything that was going on.

01:28:22.000 Yeah, that's insane.

01:28:23.000 And still give advice on what was going on.

01:28:24.000 He was hurt for the last eight weeks or whatever the year.

01:28:27.000 And they don't have it all the time because it's really expensive to run right now still, but...

01:28:32.000 They still had 360 cameras running around following the players.

01:28:37.000 Lots of crazy stuff.

01:28:38.000 Shout out to the dude from the Dallas Cowboys.

01:28:41.000 What's his name?

01:28:42.000 Charles that drives the Hall of Fame truck.

01:28:43.000 He hooked it up.

01:28:44.000 He gave me a card to give it to Jamie.

01:28:46.000 He's like, I know Jamie's a football fan.

01:28:48.000 Let's make it happen.

01:28:49.000 Gridiron.

01:28:51.000 They're doing that for the UFC too.

01:28:53.000 They're just trying different things out.

01:28:55.000 360 video.

01:28:55.000 There's new technology.

01:28:56.000 Dude, there's going to be virtual reality where you're going to be able to be Nick Diaz as he fights against Conor McGregor.

01:29:04.000 You're going to be able to look through each fighter's eyes.

01:29:07.000 They're going to figure out a way to do it.

01:29:09.000 Can you imagine?

01:29:10.000 Just a little chip.

01:29:12.000 What chip you got, Jamie?

01:29:13.000 I got the S18. Oh man, you should have waited for the 19. I know, I know, but I'm pretty happy with the 18. I mean, it doesn't take as much battery life.

01:29:22.000 I got 360 degree capability.

01:29:24.000 It's just low resolution.

01:29:26.000 It's good.

01:29:26.000 We're good.

01:29:27.000 That video game is pretty intense.

01:29:29.000 The new UFC game on PSA. And I know it sounded like I'm plugging, but it...

01:29:34.000 No, it was cool.

01:29:35.000 We were yelling.

01:29:36.000 Me and my friend were like, ah!

01:29:39.000 It was that intense because it's parts where you're almost about to knock the guy out.

01:29:43.000 It's a good game.

01:29:44.000 It's a very good game.

01:29:46.000 I had fun.

01:29:47.000 I can attest to it because I had to do the commentary for that game.

01:29:52.000 When you hear that EA Sports game, that's not commentary from actual fights.

01:29:56.000 That's commentary of just me doing pretend and Goldberg doing pretend.

01:30:00.000 Dude, we did a... 0.94

01:30:03.000 Fuckload of hours. 0.66

01:30:04.000 Yeah, I mean it was hours and hours and hours and hours and it was over a long and I'm not complaining I'm just saying you have to say so much stuff and there's me man. 0.97

01:30:14.000 They even scanned me and they put me in the game.

01:30:18.000 Yeah, I'm in the game you have to have a secret unlockable I gotta have a code like the Konami code.

01:30:24.000 Oh I did this so I can get out of doing more commentary.

01:30:30.000 Because there was so much to do. 0.98

01:30:32.000 Damn, I wish I looked that good. 0.98

01:30:33.000 There was so much to do. 0.99

01:30:35.000 Oh, that's dope. 0.94

01:30:36.000 It was a constant grind.

01:30:39.000 But I put my full effort into it.

01:30:43.000 I really wanted it to be good.

01:30:45.000 I was thinking if I was a kid and I was playing this game, I would want it to sound like a guy really got head kicked.

01:30:51.000 Dude, it's...

01:30:52.000 It's intense, man.

01:30:54.000 I hear it is, man.

01:30:55.000 It was fun. 0.96

01:30:57.000 You don't want to see me get beat the fuck up. 0.90

01:30:59.000 Just Jamie. 1.00

01:31:01.000 Jamie's showing a video of me about to get my ass kicked by Nick Diaz. 1.00

01:31:05.000 Oh, you get destroyed really fast? 0.99

01:31:06.000 I would imagine if the game's realistic.

01:31:09.000 Pull it up. 0.99

01:31:10.000 I would imagine I get fucked up. 0.99

01:31:11.000 The people want to see it! 0.99

01:31:13.000 Wait, but they might have you since you're a secret character.

01:31:16.000 They might have you... 1.00

01:31:16.000 I got some bullshit skills. 1.00

01:31:18.000 They might have you juiced up. 1.00

01:31:20.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

01:31:21.000 I got some bullshit skills. 1.00

01:31:22.000 Let's hear my... 0.99

01:31:23.000 Because, you know, I'm super casual fan, so my commentary...

01:31:26.000 No, Rogan with the leg kicks.

01:31:27.000 I've never heard this before.

01:31:29.000 Oh, is it?

01:31:30.000 Oh, Rogan with the leg kicks. 0.71

01:31:31.000 Rogan got kicked in the face. 0.68

01:31:33.000 Oh, oh, Rogan with the kicks.

01:31:35.000 Diaz is backing up.

01:31:36.000 Rogan missed.

01:31:38.000 Uh-oh, Rogan kicked in the chest.

01:31:40.000 Tattoos accurate. 1.00

01:31:41.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:31:43.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:31:45.000 Uh-oh. 1.00

01:31:48.000 Oh! 0.60

01:31:53.000 Uh-oh.

01:31:54.000 Rogan's not caring about the height disadvantage.

01:31:56.000 Uh-oh.

01:31:57.000 Uh-oh.

01:31:58.000 Uh-oh.

01:31:58.000 Rogan's in danger.

01:32:00.000 Uh-oh.

01:32:01.000 Let's see what Rogan's ground game is like.

01:32:04.000 Not good. 0.86

01:32:05.000 Diaz is about to punch Rogan in the face. 0.62

01:32:08.000 Uh-oh. 1.00

01:32:09.000 Dog shit off my back. 1.00

01:32:10.000 Will Rogan be able to pull off a submission from this position? 1.00

01:32:12.000 Uh-oh.

01:32:14.000 Rogan with the turnaround!

01:32:16.000 It's called a sweep.

01:32:18.000 Full mount.

01:32:19.000 Full mount.

01:32:20.000 I let him up.

01:32:21.000 Wow.

01:32:21.000 Rogan with the good kick.

01:32:23.000 Rogan, back up.

01:32:25.000 Uh-oh.

01:32:27.000 Ooh! 0.96

01:32:28.000 This should be illegal.

01:32:29.000 Oh, dang! 0.94

01:32:31.000 Rogan, reeling back in tight. 0.98

01:32:31.000 Should be illegal to watch two people fake fight when you know one dude would beat the fuck out of me. 0.98

01:32:38.000 No, I said me.

01:32:40.000 So as to not leave any...

01:32:42.000 any confusion.

01:32:44.000 Oh! 1.00

01:32:44.000 This is so stupid. 1.00

01:32:45.000 Oh! 1.00

01:32:46.000 Oh, he's about to finish him!

01:32:48.000 Oh, jeez. 1.00

01:32:49.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

01:32:49.000 Stop it! 1.00

01:32:50.000 He's out. 1.00

01:32:51.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

01:32:52.000 Ew, wait. 1.00

01:32:53.000 Why did they let me punch him in the head when he was unconscious?

01:32:56.000 Why don't they stop the fight quicker than that? 0.93

01:32:59.000 The fake me, rather.

01:33:00.000 And the fake him.

01:33:02.000 How'd that feel?

01:33:02.000 It was weird.

01:33:03.000 It felt weird.

01:33:04.000 You know what bothered me the most?

01:33:05.000 The last two punches.

01:33:07.000 Because he wasn't...

01:33:08.000 He was already unconscious.

01:33:10.000 The fake him, obviously.

01:33:11.000 That was a good kick.

01:33:12.000 Oh. 0.99

01:33:12.000 Do you know how hard Nick Diaz would fuck me up? 0.99

01:33:15.000 Like, this is an embarrassment to humanity. 1.00

01:33:18.000 This is allowed to be a visual image of me beating Nick Diaz's ass. 0.99

01:33:23.000 I've dunked on LeBron James before, dude. 1.00

01:33:25.000 Enjoy that shit, man. 1.00

01:33:28.000 That's what, it's an escape. 1.00

01:33:30.000 This is what I want to see.

01:33:31.000 I want to see Nick Diaz versus Conor McGregor.

01:33:34.000 That's what I want to see.

01:33:35.000 I want to see that more than I want to see anything in life.

01:33:37.000 I wish I had something to say about that.

01:33:39.000 I want to see more than I want to see the Aurora Borealis, more than I want to go to the Keck Observatory in Hawaii and revisit the Milky Way, more than I want to see any of those things, I want to see Nick Diaz versus Conor McGregor.

01:33:53.000 Yeah.

01:33:53.000 Nick Diaz.

01:33:54.000 Conor McGregor had a cool, his little walk around the ring as he got in.

01:33:58.000 It was awesome.

01:33:58.000 He was awesome.

01:33:59.000 He's a bad motherfucker, dude. 1.00

01:34:01.000 The way he walked around when he got in the ring, I didn't think he was going to get punched in the face as much as he did. 1.00

01:34:07.000 I mean, he still won.

01:34:08.000 But that was a cocky entrance. 1.00

01:34:09.000 I was like, oh, he about to first-round knockout this motherfucker the way he just came in here. 0.99

01:34:13.000 Well, I mean, what he's trying to do is just, like, shake it off, put an air out there. 0.99

01:34:17.000 But at the end of the day, he's fighting Nick Diaz.

01:34:19.000 No one's getting no first-round knockouts.

01:34:21.000 This is going to be a crazy war.

01:34:22.000 He knew it.

01:34:23.000 He had to be conservative in that fight.

01:34:26.000 The energy was so crazy.

01:34:28.000 Oh my god, it was insane.

01:34:30.000 Like nothing ever, right?

01:34:33.000 I'm so glad I went to see it live.

01:34:35.000 Oh man.

01:34:36.000 Me too.

01:34:37.000 As I said, I'm a casual fan.

01:34:41.000 There's a couple times where Conor knocked him to the ground.

01:34:47.000 Conor doesn't want to do ground game with him at all.

01:34:49.000 Because he would knock him to the ground, and he would tell him to come up.

01:34:53.000 Where I would think, normally for my lack of MMA knowledge, I would think once you knock somebody to the ground, you try to go in...

01:35:01.000 With those hammer fists or whatever.

01:35:03.000 You could.

01:35:04.000 You could.

01:35:04.000 However, if you do that with a guy like Nate Diaz, he might not be hurt at all.

01:35:09.000 Right.

01:35:09.000 Especially when you consider the fact that Connor threw a bunch of really powerful left leg kicks, and he had fucked up Nate's right leg.

01:35:18.000 Because of the fact they're both southpaw, what happens is that back leg becomes the front leg.

01:35:24.000 So the right leg is in front, right?

01:35:25.000 And he's just getting chewed up with this left power leg kick right from the beginning, like over and over and over and over again.

01:35:32.000 When you get hit with a bunch of really powerful leg kicks like that, it makes it super difficult for you to move.

01:35:38.000 And then Conor just fought a smooth, smart game plan.

01:35:43.000 He engaged from the outside, where his speed was an advantage, and did some damage, but didn't unload himself like he did in the first fight.

01:35:54.000 In the first fight he did that too, but then he unloaded himself.

01:35:58.000 And Nate survived, and when he survived, Conor's gas tank was empty.

01:36:01.000 So this time, Conor was way more conservative.

01:36:03.000 Yeah, I would say he would run away a little.

01:36:05.000 But he would run back to...

01:36:07.000 He would run away.

01:36:07.000 No, you could say it.

01:36:08.000 He would run away.

01:36:09.000 He ran away.

01:36:10.000 But when he was on the cage, when he'd get close to the cage, he would run it and make it more into the center.

01:36:15.000 Man, it's okay.

01:36:16.000 You know, people are mad that he ran away.

01:36:18.000 How can you win when you move away?

01:36:20.000 Because sometimes you take a break.

01:36:22.000 Sometimes you take a break.

01:36:23.000 He knows there's three moments in the round.

01:36:27.000 I mean, I don't know when it was.

01:36:29.000 There was a couple moments in time where he totally turned away from him.

01:36:32.000 But then he engaged.

01:36:35.000 Yeah, it wasn't like he was running the whole thing.

01:36:37.000 When he found himself in a compromising position, he would get out of it.

01:36:42.000 It's interesting.

01:36:44.000 It's an interesting thing to do. 0.99

01:36:45.000 You guys trying to kick your ass, you're like, I'm gonna go over here for a minute. 0.99

01:36:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:36:50.000 It's something funny about it, you know?

01:36:52.000 It seems like a good move.

01:36:53.000 It's the right move.

01:36:54.000 When you don't feel like you can fight right now, what do you want to do? 1.00

01:36:58.000 Stand in there like a man and take it on the chin, pussy. 1.00

01:37:02.000 Come on, pussy. 1.00

01:37:04.000 Get in there. 1.00

01:37:05.000 If you don't feel like you can breathe, maybe you should move away and breathe. 0.77

01:37:10.000 Otherwise, some dude could punch you in the body and you can go down.

01:37:13.000 It's not a smart move to stand in there if you feel tired.

01:37:17.000 How many fights do you think happened amongst the audience?

01:37:22.000 Audience members?

01:37:23.000 Way less than you would think.

01:37:25.000 I saw this girl, she was fighting her boyfriend or something. 0.61

01:37:30.000 I don't even know if it was her boyfriend, but she was choking him and she was going crazy. 0.99

01:37:34.000 And she had walked away and she came back to him.

01:37:37.000 And then she was blonde and sort of looked lightly like Ronda Rousey. 0.99

01:37:42.000 I posted it on Snapchat, like, Ronda Rousey out here trippin'.

01:37:50.000 And then some MMA Twitter posted, apparently Ronda Rousey is at that.

01:37:55.000 I'm like, no!

01:37:57.000 Ronda Rousey wouldn't be running crazy. 0.99

01:38:00.000 Because it's a video of, you don't really see the face, but you see security chasing some blonde woman. 1.00

01:38:05.000 That is so stupid. 1.00

01:38:07.000 Apparently Hannibal spotted Ronda Rousey. 1.00

01:38:09.000 Apparently he's the only one that spotted that.

01:38:11.000 Nobody else took.

01:38:13.000 That's hilarious.

01:38:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:14.000 That is so stupid. 1.00

01:38:16.000 I had a good time, man. 1.00

01:38:18.000 Meanwhile, she's like one of the last women that you would ever want to fight at a gas station. 1.00

01:38:23.000 You know?

01:38:24.000 Like Ronda Rousey. 1.00

01:38:26.000 She would throw you in your fucking head. 1.00

01:38:28.000 On the concrete. 1.00

01:38:30.000 It's terrifying to have women like that out there. 1.00

01:38:33.000 They could just beat your ass, Hannibal. 1.00

01:38:34.000 I don't like it. 1.00

01:38:36.000 Whenever I'm at the UFC and somebody gets kicked in the face, I just think about how disappointed I'd be if I got kicked in the face.

01:38:47.000 What did I do in my life?

01:38:49.000 Why is somebody kicking me in the face?

01:38:52.000 You've never been kicked in the face?

01:38:54.000 Never just been kicked in the face.

01:38:57.000 Especially, like, that's why I'm glad I didn't fight that guy, and I'm glad I don't, you know, put myself in a situation where I gotta fight a stranger, because you never know.

01:39:06.000 I'm just, if I was to be fighting, I'm trying to throw hands poorly.

01:39:12.000 But if somebody just kicked me in the face, I'm like, oh, I didn't know you were going to do that. 0.98

01:39:17.000 This Donald Cerrone combination, god damn, that's beautiful. 0.99

01:39:21.000 Left, right, left, high kick. 0.99

01:39:23.000 Boom.

01:39:24.000 Yeah, and he just turned his back. 1.00

01:39:25.000 That is Matrix shit. 1.00

01:39:26.000 Donald Cerrone lives in the fucking Matrix. 1.00

01:39:29.000 Right now, at 170. He's coming on the podcast next week, Jamie. 0.99

01:39:33.000 He's here on next Tuesday. 0.96

01:39:34.000 I'm gonna fucking convince him, live on the internet, don't drop down from 170. And 170's a fucking wizard. 0.99

01:39:42.000 Who the hell's stopping Rick's story like this? 1.00

01:39:44.000 Oh, man. 1.00

01:39:45.000 Donald Cerrone's a fucking wizard. 1.00

01:39:47.000 He's a wizard at 170. It felt... 1.00

01:39:52.000 It felt kind of barbaric or archaic, but when you have money on somebody and they're beating the shit out of somebody else and you're winning, it's a different type of emotion. 0.98

01:40:07.000 When Cerrone started fucking that dude up, I stood up like... 0.98

01:40:12.000 You were in there with him. 0.99

01:40:14.000 I was in there with him for a fucking couple thousand dollars. 0.99

01:40:18.000 Hell yeah, I was with him. 0.96

01:40:22.000 I appreciate your loyalty, first of all, to both Onnit and Donald Cerrone. 0.61

01:40:28.000 Dope.

01:40:29.000 And then Johnson.

01:40:31.000 I bet on Johnson right before the fight started.

01:40:35.000 I was like, I'll bet on him.

01:40:36.000 What were the odds?

01:40:37.000 He was minus 250. That's pretty reasonable, considering how hard he hits.

01:40:42.000 And he won it so fast, so I bet on him.

01:40:45.000 Somebody told me, I have to research it.

01:40:47.000 Please do.

01:40:48.000 Was that the fastest knockout in the history of the light heavyweight division?

01:40:53.000 It was...

01:40:54.000 13 seconds or something?

01:40:55.000 Took me longer to place my bet.

01:40:57.000 Dude, he hit so hard.

01:40:59.000 Dude, that happened so fast.

01:41:00.000 I was like, what?

01:41:01.000 He hit so hard.

01:41:02.000 It happened so quick.

01:41:04.000 When Glover started pressuring him, like when I score a fight, or rather commentate a fight, when I watch something like that, I'm like, okay, what can Glover do and what can Rumble do?

01:41:15.000 We know Rumble has awesome stand-up skills.

01:41:17.000 We know he had a college wrestling background.

01:41:19.000 We know he's really powerful.

01:41:21.000 And he's probably the hardest hitter ever.

01:41:22.000 So what can Glover do?

01:41:24.000 He's really technical.

01:41:25.000 He can survive a storm.

01:41:27.000 Maybe he could take him down.

01:41:30.000 Maybe he can get him into deep water.

01:41:31.000 So he starts out super aggressive bobbing and weaving Tyson style.

01:41:35.000 And one haymaker.

01:41:38.000 One haymaker uppercut.

01:41:42.000 Ryan Jimmo.

01:41:43.000 Wow, seven seconds. 1.00

01:41:44.000 God damn, Ryan Jimmo. 1.00

01:41:46.000 Rest in peace, Ryan Jimmo. 1.00

01:41:48.000 He just died recently.

01:41:49.000 Run over by a car in Canada.

01:41:52.000 James Irvin, the Sandman.

01:41:54.000 Eight seconds.

01:41:55.000 Who did he fight?

01:41:57.000 And then Johnson.

01:41:59.000 Rumble Johnson. 0.99

01:42:01.000 To gamble on that and have it happen that fast, that's like fucking craps almost. 0.97

01:42:09.000 They should put like a 30 second over under on some of Rumble's fights. 0.98

01:42:13.000 Literally a 30 second.

01:42:15.000 Because he's so scary right now.

01:42:18.000 He's so scary.

01:42:20.000 He hits guys in a totally different way.

01:42:22.000 It's like he knows something that nobody knows about how to hit people.

01:42:27.000 Because this dude, what was that guy's record that he fought?

01:42:29.000 25 and 4?

01:42:30.000 Oh, Houston Alexander.

01:42:31.000 8 seconds.

01:42:32.000 That's right.

01:42:33.000 What was the guy at Johnson Falls' record?

01:42:35.000 Was it 25 and 4?

01:42:36.000 Like, he was an elite...

01:42:38.000 Oh, Glover is beyond elite.

01:42:41.000 Glover's fought for the title.

01:42:43.000 He had a five-round fight with John Jones, went to the distance.

01:42:47.000 Yeah, he's one of the best fighters in the world.

01:42:51.000 Glover is excellent.

01:42:52.000 And that's crazy that he got in 13 seconds.

01:42:56.000 You know what it is, man?

01:42:57.000 The human frame...

01:43:00.000 The skull, the brain, the neck can only take so much.

01:43:06.000 It just can only take so much.

01:43:08.000 And most people can't hit that bell.

01:43:11.000 You know that bell when you go to the carnival and you slam down on that bell and the little thing goes up and ding!

01:43:18.000 Most people can't make that thing ding in this world.

01:43:23.000 But Rumble Johnson, he can make that thing ding every time with his opening barrage.

01:43:29.000 With his first, you know, name the number.

01:43:33.000 200 punches and kicks, whatever it is. 0.99

01:43:35.000 He can knock you the fuck out. 0.98

01:43:37.000 The question with a guy like that is, if he gets past that 200 number and the opponent is still there... 0.99

01:43:44.000 Can he make it through it?

01:43:45.000 And that's what happened in the Cormier fight.

01:43:47.000 It's like Rumble hit Cormier with everything but the kitchen sink. 0.98

01:43:51.000 But Cormier is so fucking tough. 0.97

01:43:54.000 He's so tough from being a world-class Olympic wrestler, from a guy who competed all over the world. 0.98

01:44:01.000 He's just got this level of toughness that you can't recreate.

01:44:06.000 And he takes a big bomb but figures out how to scramble and survive.

01:44:10.000 Yeah.

01:44:10.000 And so he makes it into...

01:44:12.000 What round did Cormier submit Rumble?

01:44:18.000 See, the thing about a guy like Rumble, though, is you could submit him once, but once he figures out what you did, and he remembers how much it sucked when you did that to him, can you do it again?

01:44:30.000 And if you can't do it again, what if he can figure out how to keep it standing?

01:44:36.000 Yeah.

01:44:36.000 What if he could figure out how to keep hitting you with those barrages of heavy bones coming flying at you with perfect technique?

01:44:46.000 He hits so fucking hard, man. 0.99

01:44:49.000 What? 0.99

01:44:50.000 Third round?

01:44:52.000 Well, Cormier took him into deep water, man.

01:44:55.000 What is... 1.00

01:44:56.000 Cormier's such a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:44:58.000 Like, where does that come from? 1.00

01:45:01.000 You know how some people just...

01:45:04.000 Naturally fast? 1.00

01:45:05.000 Are you just naturally able to hit hard as fuck, or do you punch walls sometimes? 1.00

01:45:14.000 You can definitely get better. 0.99

01:45:16.000 You can get better, but it's also a natural sort of force?

01:45:19.000 This is the reality of it, totally objectively.

01:45:25.000 Everybody has a ceiling.

01:45:26.000 You can't pass that ceiling.

01:45:28.000 You see certain people that have certain frames, like maybe they have really narrow shoulders and really small hands and a really small waist.

01:45:37.000 They can't generate the same kind of power that a guy like Rumble Johnson can.

01:45:42.000 Or there's a lot of other guys.

01:45:44.000 A guy like Rampage Jackson can.

01:45:46.000 Or a guy like George St. Pierre can.

01:45:48.000 There's certain like physiques.

01:45:50.000 You know, Elir Latifi, you ever see that guy fight?

01:45:53.000 No. 0.99

01:45:53.000 Pull this motherfucker up. 0.99

01:45:54.000 I think he's fighting Ryan Bader. 1.00

01:45:56.000 I say motherfucker with all due respect, sir. 1.00

01:45:59.000 He's just... 1.00

01:46:01.000 Tank of a wrestler!

01:46:02.000 Yeah.

01:46:02.000 And you look at that guy's frame, and he just bombs on dudes, knocks them unconscious, but you look at his frame when he's throwing punches, and you just go, okay, there's levels of athletes, right?

01:46:13.000 There's levels of wrestlers, there's levels of strikers, and when you see certain dudes, the way they can move their body.

01:46:20.000 Like, you ever watch Cirque du Soleil?

01:46:22.000 Yeah.

01:46:23.000 You've seen it live?

01:46:23.000 Seen it live seven times.

01:46:25.000 Crazy, right?

01:46:25.000 Yeah, it's the craziest.

01:46:26.000 It's amazing. 0.99

01:46:27.000 You feel like, how the fuck do they do that with their body? 0.99

01:46:29.000 Right. 0.99

01:46:29.000 You immediately start feeling inadequate with your body. 0.99

01:46:33.000 No, not me.

01:46:34.000 That's how I feel.

01:46:35.000 I just get inspired by the choreography and I say, I need to step my show up.

01:46:39.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:46:40.000 See, me? 0.93

01:46:41.000 I'm retarded. 0.84

01:46:42.000 I think I want to figure out how to do a handstand with one hand while holding a check above me with one hand.

01:46:46.000 So this is, okay.

01:46:47.000 It's a tank.

01:46:49.000 Yeah.

01:46:50.000 So he's a light heavyweight or heavyweight?

01:46:51.000 Light heavyweight.

01:46:52.000 205. Okay.

01:46:53.000 So the point being that a gentleman like this...

01:46:55.000 Oh, only 13 pounds less than me!

01:46:57.000 I'm a light heavyweight!

01:46:59.000 Me and him.

01:47:00.000 He weighs 205 for about 13 minutes.

01:47:03.000 And then he probably goes back up to whatever it is before he starts his cut. 1.00

01:47:08.000 But my point being, look at the size of that motherfucker! 1.00

01:47:11.000 I mean, Jesus Christ, look at that dude! 1.00

01:47:14.000 He's a tank!

01:47:16.000 There's limitations of the human frame, and that guy has a different bone structure than Doogie Howser.

01:47:23.000 There's just no denying it.

01:47:26.000 That's a bad example, but there's a lot of guys that are his size that just don't have the kind of advantages that he has bone structure-wise.

01:47:36.000 Physically, what he can do.

01:47:37.000 There's a certain amount of horsepower.

01:47:39.000 That certain guys have.

01:47:40.000 And you watch them fight.

01:47:41.000 Look at that guy. 1.00

01:47:42.000 It's a fucking tank of a man. 1.00

01:47:44.000 Brock Lesnar. 1.00

01:47:45.000 Perfect example.

01:47:46.000 Guy takes off.

01:47:47.000 How many years did he take off?

01:47:48.000 Like five years at least?

01:47:49.000 Six years at least?

01:47:50.000 He fights Mark Hunt.

01:47:52.000 Roids or no roids? 0.98

01:47:53.000 Whatever the fuck he tested positive for, or anti-estrogen blockers, or whatever he tested. 0.96

01:47:58.000 Forget about all that. 0.99

01:47:59.000 The fact that this guy was able to fight Mark fucking Hunt after five or six years of no fighting, just doing pro wrestling, and then win. 0.97

01:48:08.000 That's insane. 0.97

01:48:09.000 You know, I had a bet in on Mark Hunt, and you had told me, and I didn't know, I told you I'm a casual fan. 1.00

01:48:17.000 I took Mark Hunt, but I didn't know anything about him, and then he walks out, and I'm like, oh shit, this motherfucker is built, he's built like me! 0.99

01:48:29.000 So I had a cash bet in, so I did not go on in my book, my online book, this is before the fight started, I'm trying to bet on Brock Lesnar real quick. 0.99

01:48:38.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:48:39.000 They had already taken the bet down and I was like, oh man, I didn't bet on this guy that's built like me.

01:48:43.000 Brock Lesnar is about to work him out.

01:48:46.000 See, here's the thing though.

01:48:47.000 That's not necessarily true.

01:48:49.000 I know it's not necessarily true, but that was my instinct at the time.

01:48:52.000 Like, oh no.

01:48:53.000 What Brock Lesnar did in taking that amount of time off and then beating a guy like Mark Hunt, that's so extraordinary. 0.99

01:49:01.000 And he's probably never going to get the credit that he deserves because of the fact that one, he was a pro wrestler, and then two, he tested positive for this anti-estrogen blocker, whatever the fuck he took. 0.97

01:49:13.000 I don't know what happened. 0.98

01:49:14.000 Who knows?

01:49:15.000 It could have easily been some performance-enhancing formula that he bought from GNC, or it could have been something more insidious. 0.99

01:49:22.000 Whatever the fuck it was. 0.97

01:49:23.000 The fact that this guy was able to beat Mark Hunt after all that time off just shows you what an amazing athlete he really is. 0.99

01:49:31.000 There's no way in hell that certain guys are going to catch up to that guy.

01:49:36.000 If that guy just keeps working out...

01:49:39.000 Like, there's guys that, like...

01:49:41.000 If they just keep working out, and they stay healthy, and they stay fit, and they get into the cage healthy and fit with no injuries, which is like the primary...

01:49:50.000 Just like you. 1.00

01:49:52.000 There's certain guys that you're like, you're in a world of shit. 1.00

01:49:57.000 If you get a guy like Brock Lesnar into the ring with you and he's not hurt and he's in great shape and he has no injuries, you're in a world of shit. 1.00

01:50:06.000 You're standing in front of a Goliath of a man. 0.98

01:50:09.000 A guy who has to struggle to diet down 265 pounds.

01:50:14.000 Yeah.

01:50:14.000 That's not fair.

01:50:16.000 What about CM Punk?

01:50:17.000 Is he good or is he making his debut?

01:50:19.000 He's making his UFC debut.

01:50:21.000 But I have to respect that he did a lot of things the right way.

01:50:25.000 He went to Duke Rufus' camp in Minneapolis.

01:50:29.000 Milwaukee, rather.

01:50:30.000 Excuse me.

01:50:31.000 Did he go to Albuquerque?

01:50:32.000 There's a lot of stuff in Albuquerque.

01:50:33.000 Yeah, there's a lot.

01:50:34.000 No, no.

01:50:34.000 He went to Milwaukee because that's where Duke is.

01:50:38.000 What he did was he went to one of the best gyms in the world.

01:50:41.000 Rufus Sport.

01:50:43.000 Dick...

01:50:45.000 His brother is Rick Rufus, who was like a world champion kickboxer that used to be on PKA karate.

01:50:51.000 And then there's Duke Rufus.

01:50:53.000 Duke Rufus is a world champion Muay Thai fighter, and he's produced like a ton of world-class fighters like Anthony Pettis, Sergio Pettis.

01:51:00.000 Tyron Woodley does his striking down there.

01:51:02.000 He's the new UFC welterweight champion.

01:51:04.000 So Duke Rufus is just like a really high-level camp.

01:51:07.000 And that's where CM Punk chose to move his camp.

01:51:10.000 And he lived there for like two years.

01:51:12.000 And all he's been doing is training.

01:51:14.000 He signed with the UFC, and he just said, I'm going to do this the right way.

01:51:17.000 And he went through a full, like, a long period of training, learning skills, and working under the tutelage of, like, one of the best guys in the world. 0.90

01:51:27.000 Who the fuck knows what's going to happen? 0.89

01:51:29.000 We really don't know. 0.98

01:51:30.000 I mean, I have no idea what this guy can do.

01:51:32.000 I've seen him hit some pads.

01:51:34.000 I've seen some slow-motion, weird, blurry videos of him sparring.

01:51:38.000 I don't know.

01:51:39.000 I mean, they might be trying to shield it for promotional purposes.

01:51:43.000 I mean, he might have gotten really good.

01:51:45.000 He might be like...

01:51:46.000 I mean, if the guy's willing to do that, that's an extraordinary amount of discipline that it takes to move to a place, change your life, live there for two years, just nothing but train. 0.98

01:51:55.000 I mean, who the fuck knows? 0.99

01:51:57.000 But that's the big statement is who the fuck knows. 0.99

01:52:00.000 So if you go to watch him fight, it's like you're tuning in for essentially like a spectacle. 0.99

01:52:05.000 And it might be great.

01:52:07.000 We have to see.

01:52:09.000 He doesn't even know.

01:52:10.000 We don't know.

01:52:11.000 He's never fought.

01:52:12.000 We don't know.

01:52:13.000 No one knows. 0.97

01:52:13.000 No one knows what the fuck's going to happen. 0.97

01:52:15.000 I haven't fought with the people there either. 0.95

01:52:16.000 That's a different thing too.

01:52:18.000 Dude, there's a big difference.

01:52:19.000 There's a big difference between training and reality.

01:52:22.000 And, you know, and maybe he excels.

01:52:24.000 There's people who excel at reality, where they look lackluster in training, and then they rise to the occasion of the event.

01:52:32.000 Yeah.

01:52:33.000 And then there's other people that are exact opposite.

01:52:35.000 Where they practice well and then...

01:52:38.000 Yeah, the anxiety of performance is real, right?

01:52:41.000 Yeah, I mean, it was a point during the D.S. McGregor fight where the crowd started chanting.

01:52:51.000 They were in a clinch or something, and the crowd was like, D.S., D.S., D.S. And I was just like, what is he thinking right now?

01:53:00.000 Like, what does that feel like?

01:53:03.000 This dude is in the clinch.

01:53:04.000 It's a huge fight.

01:53:06.000 The headliners.

01:53:07.000 Right.

01:53:07.000 Blood streaming down his face.

01:53:10.000 Let me get my pants off. 1.00

01:53:12.000 What does he feel like? 1.00

01:53:14.000 With the crowd chanting, what is that gladiator shit like? 0.99

01:53:21.000 Does it help? 1.00

01:53:22.000 Is it distracting?

01:53:24.000 Does it hype you up? 1.00

01:53:25.000 I'm going to whoop his ass. 1.00

01:53:26.000 They chanting. 1.00

01:53:28.000 It's a real good question.

01:53:32.000 It's something I'll never know.

01:53:34.000 Hopefully.

01:53:35.000 And you'll find out on my podcast next week that I'm starting.

01:53:38.000 I'll be interviewing Nate Diaz and...

01:53:43.000 Man, it's a good question.

01:53:45.000 He's the only one that can answer it.

01:53:47.000 Or him or anyone else has experienced that.

01:53:49.000 Right.

01:53:49.000 Because you're talking about, you know, at this new T-Mobile.

01:53:52.000 How many people is it seat?

01:53:55.000 I think the T-Mobile is like 22,000 or something.

01:53:58.000 Oh, really?

01:53:58.000 Is that many?

01:53:59.000 It's a big-ass place.

01:54:00.000 It's way bigger than the MGM. I don't know about how much.

01:54:04.000 At least a few thousand.

01:54:05.000 What is it, Jamie?

01:54:07.000 Does it say?

01:54:09.000 Yeah, people are chanting your name, but it's not like basketball, because you've been punching the face a lot, so you're in a little bit of pain.

01:54:16.000 You might be hurting.

01:54:17.000 You're kind of tired, you know?

01:54:19.000 It's not just you just drop to three or something and you're just jogging.

01:54:24.000 You're in the clint, so it's cool, but I'm still kind of uncomfortable right now.

01:54:30.000 Maybe it fires you up.

01:54:31.000 How many?

01:54:31.000 20?

01:54:32.000 It says $20,000 for boxing and MMA. Oh, wow.

01:54:35.000 That's so many. 1.00

01:54:36.000 That's a lot of fucking people. 0.99

01:54:38.000 So that's approximately $5,000 more than the MGM. Isn't the MGM about $15,000? 1.00

01:54:46.000 Somewhere around there, I think.

01:54:48.000 Is that why they moved them there?

01:54:49.000 Because there's more people, or is this a different deal?

01:54:50.000 I don't know.

01:54:51.000 I just think they could sell this out, too.

01:54:54.000 $16,800.

01:54:55.000 16. Oh, Jesus.

01:54:56.000 The MGM is that big?

01:54:57.000 Yeah, it's a little bigger.

01:54:58.000 Wow.

01:54:59.000 Oh.

01:54:59.000 So is it Mandalay Bay that's 15?

01:55:02.000 Is that what it is?

01:55:02.000 Or is that 14?

01:55:04.000 What am I asking? 1.00

01:55:05.000 What am I, a fucking census taker? 1.00

01:55:07.000 Stop answering my questions. 1.00

01:55:09.000 You're a goddamn booking agent. 1.00

01:55:10.000 What does it hold? 1.00

01:55:11.000 12,000. 1.00

01:55:12.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:55:12.000 Mandalay Bay is only 12,000. 0.99

01:55:15.000 Interesting.

01:55:16.000 So I guess the reason why they moved is just the UFC could sell out those places now, especially for this fight. 0.98

01:55:22.000 This fight was goddamn bananas. 0.96

01:55:25.000 That was amazing. 0.99

01:55:26.000 You could have stuck a lightbulb in your mouth and it would have started glowing, right?

01:55:31.000 There was electricity in the air.

01:55:33.000 It was going through our fingertips.

01:55:34.000 It was crazy, man.

01:55:36.000 It was a good time.

01:55:37.000 That's why I decided to keep working for the UFC, is moments like that.

01:55:41.000 The Nate Diaz-Conor McGregor fight, the first one, was in the Misha Tate-Holly Holm fight.

01:55:47.000 Misha choked Holly Holm unconscious in the fifth round. 0.99

01:55:50.000 It was fucking chaos. 0.99

01:55:51.000 I remember thinking, how could I stop doing this? 0.99

01:55:54.000 I can't believe I even got this job in the first place. 0.99

01:55:56.000 I get to watch this crazy shit and talk about it from... 0.99

01:56:00.000 So when they bought it... 1.00

01:56:03.000 I wasn't sure.

01:56:04.000 I just was thinking I was doing too many things.

01:56:06.000 And then I decided, well, instead of just being crazy, I want to just do less.

01:56:10.000 I'm just going to do less.

01:56:12.000 And in doing less, it just made a big difference.

01:56:14.000 Vape pen use after you have to...

01:56:17.000 Aw, man.

01:56:18.000 He just got punched in the face a bunch. 1.00

01:56:20.000 Let him fucking use a vape. 1.00

01:56:22.000 Come on, folks. 1.00

01:56:22.000 Relax. 1.00

01:56:23.000 Let him use a vape. 0.99

01:56:24.000 You should let him use it immediately after.

01:56:27.000 Just let's be scientific about this.

01:56:29.000 We all want everybody to be on the same page.

01:56:32.000 We don't want people cheating. 0.99

01:56:33.000 You know if this guy, you watched him fight five fucking rounds. 0.98

01:56:36.000 There's no more contests coming up. 0.99

01:56:38.000 Let him do something that's medically proven to reduce inflammation.

01:56:41.000 It's not even marijuana.

01:56:43.000 It's CBD oil.

01:56:44.000 Also, those punches are probably way worse for him than CBD oil.

01:56:49.000 Oh my god.

01:56:50.000 CBD oil is good for you.

01:56:52.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:56:53.000 Especially when you have inflammation.

01:56:55.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:56:55.000 It should be Nate Diaz got punched in the face before he used CBD oil.

01:57:00.000 That's a really good point, man. 0.99

01:57:02.000 That is a really good point, because for someone to be that hypocritical, that you let a guy get punched in the head for 25 fucking minutes, but you won't let him smoke a vape pen, because what, you think he's cheating? 0.99

01:57:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:12.000 He's cheating death. 1.00

01:57:13.000 That's what he's doing.

01:57:14.000 Same thing with football.

01:57:15.000 He's going to stay alive.

01:57:15.000 Same thing with football.

01:57:16.000 He was smoking marijuana.

01:57:18.000 Football is way worse for you than weed is worse for you.

01:57:23.000 And probably football is worse for you than cocaine.

01:57:27.000 High impact football.

01:57:28.000 Yeah.

01:57:29.000 Football is probably worse for you than most stuff.

01:57:32.000 Drinking out of ponds. 1.00

01:57:37.000 Football's fucking dangerous. 1.00

01:57:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:39.000 It's super dangerous, man. 1.00

01:57:41.000 But they just try to maintain a good image about it.

01:57:45.000 Just don't smoke weed.

01:57:46.000 Don't smoke weed.

01:57:47.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

01:57:48.000 But you might get hella concussions, but don't smoke weed because that don't look good because we got to sell this butt light and shit. 0.99

01:57:54.000 I love the word hella, but I'm too old to use it. 0.99

01:57:56.000 I just turned 49. That's the cutoff.

01:57:59.000 Just do it, man.

01:58:00.000 You can say hella.

01:58:03.000 You can say hella!

01:58:04.000 You were just encouraging me to tell that girl, to ask her what her dreams were?

01:58:09.000 Hannibal's a good friend.

01:58:10.000 You know, you pump him up, he pumps you up.

01:58:12.000 Yeah!

01:58:13.000 You tell me, ask the girl what her dreams...

01:58:15.000 I really wanted to ask her so bad, man.

01:58:17.000 She had that vibe, man.

01:58:19.000 And I see a lot of bad ones.

01:58:21.000 Her vibe was crazy.

01:58:23.000 And it might not...

01:58:24.000 You know, I wish I took the shot.

01:58:26.000 I would have helped her with whatever her dreams, if I could.

01:58:30.000 What do you want to do?

01:58:32.000 I know somebody like that.

01:58:34.000 And you can find somebody.

01:58:36.000 If you don't know somebody, you can find somebody.

01:58:38.000 It wouldn't be hard to find somebody.

01:58:41.000 You know what I did?

01:58:42.000 I did think about...

01:58:43.000 I saw what her name was on the receipt on Google.

01:58:47.000 Her name and the restaurant name and see if she got a LinkedIn page. 1.00

01:58:53.000 Damn, you went deep. 0.99

01:58:55.000 LinkedIn? 1.00

01:58:56.000 How many waitresses have a LinkedIn page? 1.00

01:58:58.000 That's like super rare.

01:59:00.000 But she, hey, she seems like a waitress with way bigger ambitions. 1.00

01:59:04.000 She seems like she should be in LA or New York, actually, more than Vegas.

01:59:09.000 Yeah, it's going to be hard because you're going to have to take a gamble at whether or not she's still working there, whether or not you know what day her shifts are on.

01:59:17.000 Saturday, Sunday.

01:59:19.000 Okay.

01:59:19.000 I was there two nights.

01:59:21.000 I was there two afternoons.

01:59:22.000 This podcast is getting really stalkerish.

01:59:24.000 But we ain't saying no place.

01:59:25.000 We ain't saying no...

01:59:28.000 Not Starkowitz, but I did enjoy her energy.

01:59:31.000 I'm just kidding, man.

01:59:32.000 I would help her.

01:59:33.000 I say go back.

01:59:34.000 I would help her in a platonic way.

01:59:36.000 Go back in a zen way.

01:59:38.000 In a zen way?

01:59:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:59:39.000 Like, completely empty.

01:59:40.000 The energy.

01:59:40.000 Go back and experience, like, sitting in her section.

01:59:44.000 Mm-hmm.

01:59:44.000 And, you know, just saying hi.

01:59:47.000 Yeah.

01:59:47.000 Seeing what's up.

01:59:48.000 But don't be, like, crazy about it.

01:59:51.000 I won't be crazy about it.

01:59:52.000 Just say, hey, uh...

01:59:55.000 I need to have a...

01:59:56.000 I've been to Vegas a bunch recently with no shows in Vegas.

02:00:00.000 Have you been?

02:00:02.000 I've been to the past two UFC things and then sometimes just another trip just to kick it.

02:00:08.000 It's a fun place.

02:00:10.000 It's a strange place.

02:00:12.000 I was just in this area outside of Reno.

02:00:16.000 We were about five hours outside of Reno.

02:00:19.000 We were camping and doing this hunting show.

02:00:22.000 And it's all in the mountains and the desert above Nevada.

02:00:28.000 It's somewhere in the area of where they do that whole Burning Man thing.

02:00:32.000 Okay.

02:00:33.000 Dude, it was amazing.

02:00:35.000 Who all was it?

02:00:36.000 It's me and a bunch of, there's camera people in the sky, Steve Rinella, who hosts the show The Meteor.

02:00:42.000 We struck out, but we were out there in these mountains above Nevada.

02:00:47.000 Dude, there's a whole other world out there.

02:00:51.000 It doesn't even look real.

02:00:53.000 It doesn't look real.

02:00:56.000 You go to this place, there's no people. 0.99

02:00:57.000 There's these giant fucking mountains. 0.99

02:01:00.000 We were at 9,000 feet. 0.99

02:01:02.000 There's other ones that go up to 11,000 feet. 1.00

02:01:05.000 And you're looking at these things like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:01:07.000 This is Nevada? 1.00

02:01:09.000 This is Nevada?

02:01:11.000 That's a picture from my Instagram.

02:01:15.000 That's Nevada, dude.

02:01:17.000 That's the Nevada desert.

02:01:18.000 That's what's called the high desert.

02:01:22.000 Like I said, about five hours outside of Reno.

02:01:25.000 It was amazing.

02:01:26.000 Oh, this is where you were?

02:01:27.000 This is the hunting trip?

02:01:29.000 No.

02:01:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:01:30.000 Yeah, I was there for a week.

02:01:33.000 That looks crazy.

02:01:35.000 I think I appreciate how that looks and I appreciate how that feels, but I think I'm such a city dude.

02:01:44.000 When I get to that, this is beautiful.

02:01:46.000 This is cool.

02:01:47.000 Let's have a couple drinks and check this out.

02:01:50.000 Alright.

02:01:51.000 Five hours we good.

02:01:52.000 Let's go back to the lights.

02:01:53.000 I understand.

02:01:55.000 I understand your position.

02:01:57.000 I appreciate that beauty.

02:01:58.000 I like the views.

02:01:59.000 However.

02:02:00.000 But I get antsy.

02:02:01.000 But you zen out.

02:02:03.000 I could get antsy too.

02:02:05.000 I think what I'm trying to do, one of the things I'm trying to do by going to these places and disconnecting for a few days, is find out what I really think about things.

02:02:14.000 Where it's just me and my thoughts and interacting with my friends.

02:02:19.000 There's one of the good things about doing this show, it's called Meteor.

02:02:22.000 This guy, Steve Rinella, who's the host of it, is like a really smart, really nice guy, really interesting guy.

02:02:28.000 And, you know, I like hanging out with him and all of his crew and his friends for like all these days.

02:02:32.000 It's really fun.

02:02:33.000 So in doing that and having it being really fun, you get to relax.

02:02:37.000 Yeah.

02:02:37.000 And you get to just like sit back and hang out with these like fun, cool guys and just relax.

02:02:41.000 And this is your world now.

02:02:43.000 This is your tribe.

02:02:44.000 Right.

02:02:44.000 You know, and he told me that before.

02:02:46.000 That's sort of how he views it.

02:02:48.000 That it's his tribe and like a cool group of friends.

02:02:52.000 Yeah.

02:02:52.000 I understand it now.

02:02:54.000 I think that disconnecting for a while, every now and then, just take a few days off.

02:03:00.000 You don't even have to go anywhere.

02:03:01.000 But it's probably a good idea to, on purpose, take a few days off of anything coming in.

02:03:09.000 And just let's see how you feel about things.

02:03:11.000 Even if I'm out and about...

02:03:13.000 At bars or something and my phone dies and I'm not charging it, I find myself having...

02:03:20.000 I realize I'm a really strange person when I talk to people, when you have to really talk to people for a while and it's not...

02:03:27.000 Because now, pretty much, a lot of times if you're talking to somebody is...

02:03:32.000 You talk about it, and then it's like...

02:03:35.000 Yes, exactly!

02:03:36.000 Let me check my phone!

02:03:38.000 And so it's a break from the connection where you...

02:03:43.000 But if you really... 0.99

02:03:45.000 I mean, on a date or something, I don't go into my shit. 0.99

02:03:49.000 Dude, that's a really important point. 0.99

02:03:51.000 But... 0.99

02:03:52.000 Yeah, if my shit's dead and I'm just out for two hours, if I'm having long conversations and then I start realizing, oh shit, I'm getting kind of weird and intense with this person. 0.99

02:04:03.000 I start asking, because I, you know, normally... 0.99

02:04:08.000 I will, if I'm talking to somebody, I'll do the bullshit, regular questions that we do.

02:04:15.000 Where did you go to college? 0.96

02:04:16.000 You live here?

02:04:17.000 Where did you move from?

02:04:20.000 How long you been doing that?

02:04:22.000 And then, I mean, at some point, if you want to, you got to get beyond that conversationally, hopefully.

02:04:32.000 We're talking roofies, right?

02:04:35.000 We're on the same page?

02:04:36.000 What?

02:04:37.000 Yeah, I roofie a girl than me. 0.98

02:04:39.000 What are your fears?

02:04:40.000 Just roofie with imagination.

02:04:42.000 What are your fears?

02:04:44.000 Have you ever been hypnotized?

02:04:45.000 No.

02:04:46.000 It can be done.

02:04:47.000 Yeah?

02:04:48.000 Yeah.

02:04:48.000 I believe in it.

02:04:49.000 I believe it too.

02:04:50.000 I believe in it.

02:04:51.000 Respect to all the hypnotists out there on the road. 0.99

02:04:54.000 Killing it. 1.00

02:04:55.000 Having people on stage doing goofy ass shit. 1.00

02:04:57.000 Have you ever seen a comedy hypnotist? 1.00

02:04:59.000 Yeah.

02:04:59.000 Have you ever seen it live?

02:05:00.000 Yeah.

02:05:00.000 It's crazy, right?

02:05:01.000 Like you don't believe it's real.

02:05:02.000 There's a couple used to come to my college, yeah.

02:05:03.000 Yeah, you don't believe it's real, and then you realize, oh, it is real.

02:05:06.000 It really does work.

02:05:07.000 It works. 1.00

02:05:07.000 Nobody would just do that goofy-ass shit. 1.00

02:05:09.000 No, it works. 1.00

02:05:10.000 Just to do it?

02:05:10.000 It works in some weird way.

02:05:12.000 I don't understand it.

02:05:13.000 But I got hypnotized.

02:05:14.000 This guy, Vinny Shorman, he's like a mental coach.

02:05:17.000 He hypnotized me.

02:05:18.000 To do what?

02:05:18.000 Very interesting.

02:05:19.000 What was your goal?

02:05:20.000 Just wanted to see if there was anything that was holding back the way I was thinking.

02:05:25.000 Am I thinking in the most efficient and logical way?

02:05:30.000 Am I doing the most with my time?

02:05:33.000 Do I have any hiccups that I'm not paying attention to in the way I'm approaching life?

02:05:38.000 So I wanted to talk to him about that.

02:05:40.000 So I wanted to see what hypnotism really is, because I've been talking about something that I essentially don't have any real understanding of.

02:05:47.000 Right.

02:05:47.000 I just say, oh, I saw people get hypnotized at a Frank Santos comedy show, and I saw that.

02:05:53.000 How did you find him?

02:05:54.000 You know what I mean?

02:05:55.000 I found this dude.

02:05:56.000 He does hypnotism and mental coaching for MMA fighters.

02:06:00.000 Okay.

02:06:01.000 So it was interesting, man.

02:06:02.000 It was weird.

02:06:03.000 It was like...

02:06:04.000 When you get hypnotized...

02:06:05.000 How long is this session?

02:06:06.000 It's about an hour and a half, I think.

02:06:08.000 About an hour and a half.

02:06:09.000 When you get hypnotized, you are aware that this person is talking to you.

02:06:13.000 It's not like you're in some space world.

02:06:16.000 But the world that you're living in with your eyes closed in this state is a very different world.

02:06:22.000 It's like if this person can command your attention, your focus for a certain amount of time, it lets all this other stuff sort of pass by.

02:06:30.000 And when the person does it with no judgment, just trying to understand the way you're feeling and thinking, you allow yourself to slip in to this strange state of mind.

02:06:40.000 Yeah.

02:06:40.000 And that's what it is.

02:06:41.000 It's really weird.

02:06:42.000 Like, it'll wake up immediately.

02:06:43.000 Like, if you heard, like, an alarm going off, like, meh, meh, you jump up.

02:06:47.000 You break out of it.

02:06:47.000 Yeah.

02:06:48.000 It's not like you're drugged.

02:06:51.000 I think there's a bunch of different states of consciousness leading from the dream world, which we all voluntarily go into every night when we go to sleep.

02:06:59.000 We go to sleep, we conk out, and we have dreams.

02:07:02.000 We remember them all the time. 0.99

02:07:06.000 You have some wacky fucking idea that came into your head that didn't make any sense. 0.96

02:07:11.000 And I think there's states of consciousness from being totally awake, fearing for your life because you're in the middle of an earthquake, to being like drifting in and out of dreams. 0.99

02:07:21.000 Yeah.

02:07:22.000 You know?

02:07:22.000 Where you're not sure you're there, or you're not there, and you're like, was that real?

02:07:26.000 What the fuck happened? 0.95

02:07:27.000 You know, you're sitting in your car, maybe at a road stop, you got a six-hour drive, you're like, let me just pull over for an hour, and you're drifting in and out, you're not sure if you're asleep. 1.00

02:07:37.000 Sometimes I'll close my eyes and just start seeing weird-ass colors and shapes and shit.

02:07:43.000 Not even high, but I'll just close my eyes and then... 0.94

02:07:47.000 Like now, it's nothing.

02:07:49.000 But certain times, it'll just be weird shapes and just different.

02:07:55.000 It just looks pretty cool.

02:07:56.000 Well, your brain can make all kinds of funky chemicals, man.

02:08:00.000 And they don't necessarily exactly know why.

02:08:04.000 It's not like there's a bunch of different things that you can do to make your brain produce certain chemicals.

02:08:09.000 In a row, as far as maybe you can skip rope for 20 minutes and do 50 deep breathing exercises and you'll get into a psychedelic state.

02:08:20.000 No one's exactly sure what the fuck it is that allows people to get to certain states and whether or not the way your brain works is the same as my brain.

02:08:30.000 Definitely. 0.96

02:08:30.000 It doesn't make any sense. 0.96

02:08:31.000 Why would it be?

02:08:32.000 We all know.

02:08:33.000 I hear people sing. 0.99

02:08:35.000 I can't fucking sing at all. 0.99

02:08:37.000 I hear people sing, and I hear a beautiful voice. 0.99

02:08:40.000 We were walking by some people the other night in Vegas when we were on our way to go eat after the fights, and there was this guy and this girl, they were singing.

02:08:49.000 They must have been a part of some team or something like that.

02:08:51.000 They must have been some entertainers, because they were way too good. 0.99

02:08:54.000 And they were singing, and they were singing with each other, and they were singing with each other in harmony in this hallway, and everybody was like, holy shit! 0.99

02:09:01.000 Because they just had a sound. 0.98

02:09:03.000 They made this thing.

02:09:04.000 Exactly.

02:09:05.000 That appealed to everybody.

02:09:07.000 That's not my wheelhouse.

02:09:09.000 Yeah.

02:09:10.000 But my brain is super sensitive to when sounds are off and different.

02:09:20.000 Sometimes if you go to a karaoke spot, somebody doing karaoke, and if they pick the rock songs and the pop songs will sort of be the exact beats.

02:09:32.000 The hip hop songs, the beats will have this, it's a different version of it, or it just, and it drives me crazy.

02:09:43.000 It's certain things with music, like little shifts, In music that drive me crazy.

02:09:51.000 I hate when songs are...

02:09:54.000 I don't like when there's acoustic versions of gangster rap songs that drives me crazy sonically.

02:10:05.000 It's certain just musical things that just piss me.

02:10:11.000 It's just...

02:10:12.000 It's just like...

02:10:16.000 That type of thing where I'm like, I have to leave here.

02:10:20.000 Yesterday, my Uber driver from the airport, he was playing his own mixtape.

02:10:28.000 He didn't say he was playing his own mixtape, but I could feel that he was playing his own mixtape because he played the same music for 40 minutes.

02:10:34.000 The rapper's name began with K. His name began with K on the Uber, and it was bad.

02:10:42.000 It was really bad.

02:10:43.000 The beats was alright, but he was bad.

02:10:45.000 He had no charisma on the mic.

02:10:47.000 And it was just...

02:10:49.000 And so now I'm sitting here, and I just decided, I'm going to take this.

02:10:55.000 I'm going to just take it.

02:10:56.000 I'm going to just take how angry this is making me, because I don't want to give him the conversation, because he wants me to say, who's this?

02:11:06.000 That's me.

02:11:07.000 Right.

02:11:07.000 Man, you're really talented.

02:11:10.000 How long have you been rapping?

02:11:11.000 Let's pretend.

02:11:12.000 Let's pretend.

02:11:12.000 Me and him.

02:11:14.000 How long have you been rapping, man?

02:11:16.000 I've just been doing it, you know, just a few years, man, trying to get it going.

02:11:21.000 So do you play this in the car all the time and just listen to yourself all the time?

02:11:26.000 Yeah, all the time, man.

02:11:29.000 Just, you know, especially my favorite is when it's 40-minute rides with somebody that just got through traveling for a while.

02:11:35.000 Yeah, dude. 1.00

02:11:36.000 How loud are you playing this shit? 1.00

02:11:38.000 I play it, man. 1.00

02:11:39.000 I play it pretty loud.

02:11:40.000 You know what the loudest is?

02:11:41.000 No, it's your car, man.

02:11:43.000 It's just a little bit less loud than that.

02:11:44.000 That's how I play it.

02:11:45.000 I feel you, dude.

02:11:46.000 It's your car.

02:11:46.000 Yeah, man.

02:11:47.000 Fuck them, right? 1.00

02:11:48.000 You know, it was one song. 1.00

02:11:51.000 The hook was...

02:11:52.000 Oh, don't do it.

02:11:54.000 He's going to know you're talking about him.

02:11:57.000 Whatever.

02:11:58.000 Is it All Black BMW? All Black BMW was the hook? 0.88

02:12:02.000 All Black BMW. That was the word in the hook.

02:12:05.000 It's not the melody necessarily because I didn't use any melody.

02:12:08.000 But we were in the All Black BMW. Oh, interesting.

02:12:13.000 No Uber bars in there.

02:12:14.000 Maybe if he changes cars.

02:12:15.000 No lyrics.

02:12:16.000 No lyrics about...

02:12:17.000 But it was just...

02:12:18.000 I was just sitting there like, what?

02:12:20.000 Also, I get that it's L.A., And I get that people are looking for opportunity and trying to make it.

02:12:30.000 How about you play me what you think your best one or two songs is?

02:12:37.000 Oh, wait a minute.

02:12:38.000 You're gonna say one or two?

02:12:39.000 One or two!

02:12:40.000 You're gonna be involved in a serious conversation.

02:12:43.000 This is a song that I made right after my grandmoms died. 0.99

02:12:46.000 It's like, you know, I was hanging out and I was like, fuck this life. 0.99

02:12:50.000 So I wrote this song. 0.99

02:12:52.000 Not me asking.

02:12:53.000 I don't want the backstop, but I feel like that should be...

02:12:56.000 Two songs.

02:12:58.000 If that was me, that would be my perspective on a 40-minute ride.

02:13:04.000 Let me ask you this.

02:13:05.000 What if a guy plays you these two songs and they're awesome? 0.99

02:13:09.000 And you're like, holy shit. 0.99

02:13:11.000 This is really good. 0.99

02:13:12.000 Yeah.

02:13:13.000 Then what do I do?

02:13:14.000 Yeah.

02:13:16.000 I maybe say...

02:13:17.000 In the car?

02:13:19.000 Am I tweeted out? 0.99

02:13:20.000 Like, this dude motherfucking Uber driver has some dope-ass music. 0.99

02:13:23.000 A-plus again. 0.99

02:13:25.000 And try to push that.

02:13:27.000 If it's amazing and I genuinely feel it.

02:13:30.000 And if it's something I want to hear again.

02:13:31.000 Because that's the hallmark of a great song for me.

02:13:35.000 I gotta keep listening to this over and over.

02:13:37.000 Frank Ocean just dropped...

02:13:40.000 He dropped his new album finally.

02:13:42.000 There's a song, Solo, on there.

02:13:45.000 And it's just a simple organ playing.

02:13:49.000 He's singing and sort of sing-rapping.

02:13:52.000 And it's a bunch of good songs when I have them, but I'll listen to a song 15 times in a row.

02:14:00.000 Isn't that interesting?

02:14:01.000 Yeah.

02:14:02.000 There's not a lot of things like that.

02:14:03.000 Movies definitely aren't like that.

02:14:06.000 Comedy definitely isn't like that.

02:14:08.000 But there's something about songs where...

02:14:09.000 Some stuff with comedy, though.

02:14:11.000 Some stuff with comedy, with me, certain timing moves that people do.

02:14:16.000 Certain bits, I will rewind a moment.

02:14:19.000 My ex-girlfriend, she tolerated it, but she probably hated it. 0.99

02:14:23.000 It'll be certain things, like a quick, a weird thing in a show, and I would just bring that shit back. 1.00

02:14:30.000 I would rewind that shit ten times. 0.99

02:14:35.000 Well, that's what Dice Clay's career was kind of built on, is that people wanted to hear the same things over and over again. 1.00

02:14:39.000 What's in the bow, bitch? 1.00

02:14:41.000 Oh! 1.00

02:14:42.000 The whole audience would be screaming it.

02:14:45.000 It was like one of the first times where it was affirmed, right? 0.99

02:14:48.000 But this type of shit I'll rewind is not... 0.99

02:14:50.000 I'll rewind a facial expression. 0.99

02:14:54.000 Like a cut to, and somebody make a weird... 0.99

02:14:58.000 And if it's right, if it's well directed, I remember that type of shit. 0.98

02:15:02.000 Just a weird line. 0.97

02:15:04.000 It was stuff off of Maria Bamford's show, Lady Dynamite.

02:15:09.000 Moments off of that.

02:15:10.000 It was this moment where they broke the fourth wall with Patton Oswalt talking to her about doing stand-up on the show.

02:15:18.000 He was playing a character, then he broke.

02:15:20.000 And then that moment was so crazy. 0.99

02:15:23.000 Shit like that where I was just... 0.99

02:15:25.000 It's certain lines. 1.00

02:15:26.000 Bojack Horseman has a bunch of shit where I'll just... 0.99

02:15:30.000 I'll watch the same moment 15, 20 times just because I just think that little part. 1.00

02:15:37.000 It's funny.

02:15:37.000 And the same with rap songs.

02:15:38.000 There's certain rap songs where there'll be this 20-second, 30-second piece where the dude is just rapping his ass off.

02:15:47.000 And I'll just...

02:15:49.000 I'll listen to that for...

02:15:51.000 Ten minutes straight, just like that part.

02:15:54.000 I still like the whole song, but it's a part of it.

02:15:57.000 The drop on Father Stretch My Hands by Kanye West.

02:16:04.000 The build-up to that, he sampled this gospel song with the same title, Father Stretch My Hands, and then it's the sample by Future, where you're like, well, if young Metro don't trust you, and it drops in.

02:16:16.000 That's what I walk in.

02:16:17.000 It's a crazy...

02:16:20.000 And I'll just listen to that.

02:16:21.000 If I'm driving around, I'll just listen to that first part five times.

02:16:25.000 It's just certain.

02:16:26.000 I don't know.

02:16:28.000 Is that like a sign of small autism?

02:16:31.000 No, it's a normal thing.

02:16:32.000 Hunter Thompson used to do that when he used to write.

02:16:34.000 He used to listen to the same song, like Candle in the Wind.

02:16:37.000 He used to listen to Elton John, Candle in the Wind.

02:16:39.000 There's a video of him doing that.

02:16:41.000 He's sitting in front of the typewriter, and he's just writing, and the same song's playing over and over again on a loop.

02:16:46.000 I've tried it before, too.

02:16:47.000 I flew from New York to LA, writing the entire way, listening to Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. 0.99

02:16:53.000 Came up with a lot of good shit? 0.99

02:16:54.000 Well, I was like in a groove, you know? 0.99

02:16:56.000 I don't remember what I came up with, but I remember feeling like, because this song, I knew what the lyrics were, it almost became like a sort of hypnosis.

02:17:03.000 Yeah, when you get in that zone?

02:17:05.000 Five hours of the same lyrics, over and over and over and over again.

02:17:08.000 The whole five hours, right?

02:17:08.000 The whole five hours.

02:17:09.000 I just listened to Crazy Train and I typed.

02:17:12.000 Had some coffee, took a leak, which I gotta do right now.

02:17:14.000 Bad!

02:17:15.000 This is my second podcast in a row. 0.68

02:17:17.000 I want to keep going with you, but I got to piss so bad.

02:17:19.000 That's understandable.

02:17:20.000 Ask some questions to Hannibal.

02:17:21.000 I'll be right back.

02:17:22.000 I'm just gonna freestyle rap.

02:17:23.000 Hey, you know what it is?

02:17:25.000 No, I'm just kidding.

02:17:26.000 Nobody wants that.

02:17:27.000 Am I here live now by myself?

02:17:29.000 I can do anything I want! 1.00

02:17:30.000 Holy shit! 1.00

02:17:32.000 You see how my voice changed when he leave? 1.00

02:17:35.000 When he leave, it becomes the real me.

02:17:38.000 We're here live on the Joe Rogan Experience.

02:17:40.000 You know what it is.

02:17:41.000 We got Bottle Water.

02:17:42.000 We got Jameson. 1.00

02:17:43.000 We got a goddamn clock. 1.00

02:17:44.000 We got an old Tupac figurine. 1.00

02:17:46.000 We got a Biggie figurine and that lady. 1.00

02:17:48.000 And we...

02:17:50.000 Yeah.

02:17:51.000 I'm going on tour, everybody.

02:17:53.000 On the Hannibal, Montanable experience.

02:17:56.000 I'm coming towards your city.

02:17:59.000 Unless your city is Oklahoma City.

02:18:03.000 It's not on there.

02:18:04.000 But I'll come there.

02:18:05.000 I was there.

02:18:06.000 I've been there before.

02:18:08.000 This has been good.

02:18:09.000 How long have we been talking?

02:18:10.000 We've been talking a long ass time.

02:18:12.000 Two hours deep. 0.94

02:18:13.000 Two hours deep.

02:18:14.000 So, check me out on tour today.

02:18:17.000 Hannibal, Montanibal experience.

02:18:20.000 Come through.

02:18:21.000 Because if you don't come through, it's going to be embarrassing for me and my family.

02:18:27.000 Also, I bought a building and the mortgage is crazy.

02:18:33.000 I'm kidding.

02:18:34.000 I bought it cash.

02:18:35.000 Don't worry about me.

02:18:37.000 So, yeah, check me out on tour.

02:18:39.000 I hope you're having a good time.

02:18:42.000 This is weird, man.

02:18:44.000 Because it feels live.

02:18:46.000 I feel...

02:18:48.000 So connected but disconnected right now.

02:18:51.000 Because these cameras are live.

02:18:53.000 Joe's back.

02:18:54.000 Joe, I think I... Oh, it got weird, man.

02:18:58.000 Jamie gets weird.

02:18:59.000 He'll get weird.

02:18:59.000 He didn't get weird.

02:19:00.000 Jamie was very...

02:19:01.000 Did you get weird?

02:19:01.000 I got weird.

02:19:03.000 My voice changed.

02:19:04.000 He's so bad.

02:19:04.000 Two podcasts is just no bueno.

02:19:07.000 My voice changed.

02:19:09.000 I just got live.

02:19:10.000 I don't believe you.

02:19:11.000 No, it totally changed.

02:19:13.000 Did you go top 40 DJ? No, that time I was like, what's up, y'all?

02:19:15.000 It's Hannibal.

02:19:16.000 You know what it is?

02:19:17.000 It was weird, man.

02:19:18.000 My whole personality changed just because you left. 1.00

02:19:21.000 I was like, oh, shit. 1.00

02:19:22.000 Part of me takes that as a compliment that you're so comfortable. 0.99

02:19:25.000 You can be yourself when you're here.

02:19:27.000 Yeah.

02:19:27.000 It was more, I don't even know.

02:19:31.000 I understand.

02:19:32.000 Yeah, I just got hyped up.

02:19:34.000 I didn't say anything of substance either.

02:19:38.000 Welcome to 300 of my 800 podcasts.

02:19:43.000 800 is a lot.

02:19:45.000 What is this one?

02:19:47.000 This is 836. I could have given some good advice.

02:19:51.000 I could have just, you know, talked about my mistakes.

02:19:54.000 Instead, I just plugged tour dates.

02:19:56.000 That's a good move.

02:19:57.000 That's the right move.

02:19:58.000 Plug tour dates.

02:19:59.000 People need to see you anyway.

02:20:00.000 And it's Hannibal Montanable.

02:20:04.000 The Hannibal Montanable Experience.

02:20:06.000 And if they just Google Hannibal Montanable?

02:20:09.000 Go on my Twitter, go on Facebook.

02:20:12.000 It's a lot of cities.

02:20:13.000 Do you use this new Instagram thing where you can take a video of your day?

02:20:16.000 All the stories?

02:20:18.000 I gotta get a young person around me all the time.

02:20:22.000 I can do it, but I don't want to do that.

02:20:25.000 I get the value of doing that.

02:20:27.000 I understand.

02:20:28.000 But I don't want to.

02:20:28.000 It's the same.

02:20:29.000 For the same reason, different thing, that I didn't get Pokemon Go.

02:20:36.000 Oh, yeah.

02:20:36.000 Good move.

02:20:37.000 Because it sounds fun.

02:20:38.000 And a friend of mine, she had it on her phone, and I messed up.

02:20:42.000 I was like, this is fun, but I don't want to.

02:20:45.000 Be on my phone that much.

02:20:46.000 So I just gotta have some internet savvy 25 year old around me all the time.

02:20:53.000 Mr. Burr. 0.99

02:20:54.000 How big should your tits be? 1.00

02:20:57.000 Oh shit! 1.00

02:20:58.000 I just said internet savvy 25 year old. 1.00

02:21:04.000 What if she was so hot? 0.96

02:21:05.000 And you're like, we can work this out.

02:21:07.000 So hot. 0.99

02:21:08.000 Little ridiculous cartoon tiny waist. 1.00

02:21:11.000 And ass like a fucking box of chocolates. 1.00

02:21:14.000 And them heart-shaped Valentine's Day box of chocolates. 1.00

02:21:17.000 What kind of an ass is that? 1.00

02:21:19.000 Jesus Christ! 1.00

02:21:20.000 Not fair.

02:21:21.000 You're describing someone.

02:21:23.000 Unfair.

02:21:23.000 And she's cool.

02:21:25.000 She's like Hannibal. 1.00

02:21:26.000 I don't give a fuck, baby. 1.00

02:21:28.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:21:30.000 I'm not here for a long time. 0.99

02:21:31.000 I'm here for a good time.

02:21:32.000 And you're like, let's do this.

02:21:34.000 What are you talking about?

02:21:35.000 You're talking about my employee.

02:21:36.000 Long time, good time.

02:21:40.000 No, you gotta keep it.

02:21:43.000 Plutonic.

02:21:45.000 Plutonic.

02:21:45.000 You gotta keep it all...

02:21:46.000 Work-oriented.

02:21:47.000 Some work-oriented.

02:21:49.000 It's tense, though, sometimes.

02:21:50.000 Professional.

02:21:51.000 Yeah.

02:21:52.000 Well, it's weird.

02:21:53.000 See, the idea of people working alongside each other, day in, day out, men and women all grouped together in these boxes is entirely unnatural.

02:22:01.000 When people would be around each other in the wild, they would do it because they liked each other.

02:22:06.000 You're obsessed with the wild.

02:22:08.000 I am.

02:22:08.000 Completely.

02:22:09.000 Back in this day that I never lived in.

02:22:11.000 Yeah.

02:22:12.000 My obsession is in the genetic propensity that we have inherited from these people.

02:22:17.000 And I think that in the wild, men and women never grouped up together if they didn't like each other.

02:22:22.000 Right.

02:22:23.000 But in work, they do.

02:22:24.000 And it creates this weird tension where men are trying to prove themselves and women are trying to prove themselves.

02:22:29.000 There was no Groupon back then.

02:22:31.000 Exactly.

02:22:31.000 It's all about group.

02:22:32.000 Yeah.

02:22:32.000 It's Groupon now, man.

02:22:34.000 And you didn't get lucky back then.

02:22:38.000 Like back then, you just decided you're gonna hang out with certain people, and the other ones you killed.

02:22:43.000 Yeah.

02:22:43.000 Right?

02:22:44.000 Yeah, back then, yeah, it was no waiting it out.

02:22:46.000 No, it was no waiting it out.

02:22:47.000 You know how many times I just waited it out late night and just hung out at the bar and then something got popping?

02:22:52.000 It was none of that.

02:22:53.000 It was just either she liked you because you were just strong and you brought food and killed it, or she didn't like you at all. 0.99

02:23:00.000 You developed the first catapult to figure out how to launch a fucking rock towards the enemy. 0.98

02:23:05.000 Or you were a small dude that she didn't pay attention to, and then out of nowhere, out of an act of jealousy and stepping up, you killed the big dude. 0.99

02:23:16.000 And then she was like...

02:23:17.000 He is small, but I guess he's the alpha now.

02:23:20.000 Climbed on top of his neck and took out a conch shell.

02:23:24.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:23:26.000 Now you just find something you're good at. 0.99

02:23:27.000 Over the cliffs, the people in the fucking boats, they lit their torches up. 0.99

02:23:31.000 You find something you're good at, and you work hard, and you get women from there. 1.00

02:23:35.000 There's trickshot pool players that get hella pussy. 1.00

02:23:38.000 Damn, that should be another meme. 1.00

02:23:41.000 There's trickshot pool players that get hella pussy. 1.00

02:23:48.000 There's a world for everybody, man. 1.00

02:23:50.000 Oh, there is, for sure.

02:23:51.000 Well, there was always, like, pool player groupies that would, uh, girls who were really good at pool, that would date dudes that were really good at pool.

02:24:00.000 Yeah?

02:24:00.000 Yeah, hook up with dudes that were really good at pool.

02:24:03.000 It's like anything else.

02:24:04.000 They think it would translate?

02:24:06.000 No, it's not even that, man. 1.00

02:24:07.000 If he could put the ball in that hole, then he could put his balls in, wait, I don't want his balls in here. 1.00

02:24:12.000 Shit, ball talk by Hannibal. 1.00

02:24:15.000 That's what my podcast is going to be called. 0.99

02:24:18.000 Ball Talk by Hannah Ball.

02:24:20.000 I like it.

02:24:21.000 I am starting a podcast soon.

02:24:22.000 Are you?

02:24:23.000 For real?

02:24:23.000 Yeah.

02:24:24.000 Can I be on it?

02:24:25.000 Of course.

02:24:25.000 It's going to be a road podcast and we'll see if it continues.

02:24:29.000 Let's do a gig together.

02:24:30.000 Let's do a gig together. 1.00

02:24:31.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:24:32.000 I need the help on this tour. 1.00

02:24:34.000 Let's do a gig together.

02:24:36.000 Tell me when, man.

02:24:37.000 Let's find one.

02:24:38.000 I'll hop in.

02:24:39.000 Let's start with Kalamazoo, Michigan. 1.00

02:24:41.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:24:42.000 Listen, man, I would be very happy to do a gig with you. 0.99

02:24:45.000 That would be fun, man.

02:24:46.000 We have a lot of good times.

02:24:48.000 You know, man, it's a...

02:24:51.000 One of the crazy things about the Comedy Store is that we all get to hang out together where we never would really work together that much in real life.

02:24:59.000 Like, if you go on the road, you take a dude with you to open.

02:25:01.000 Everywhere we go, we take people with us to open or we have a local guy that we know we have come on.

02:25:06.000 We never get to be all together.

02:25:08.000 You can go to the Comedy Store any night.

02:25:10.000 It'd be like you and Diaz and Burr and Ari.

02:25:14.000 There's no place like that, man.

02:25:16.000 It's fun, man.

02:25:17.000 I love watching Rose Battle at Comedy Store. 1.00

02:25:20.000 It's the greatest thing ever.

02:25:21.000 I love, it's just the energy in that room. 0.96

02:25:24.000 Little ass belly room, hunting some people. 1.00

02:25:27.000 It's packed in there. 0.99

02:25:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:28.000 They gotta keep it in that fucking room too. 1.00

02:25:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:30.000 Fight it off. 1.00

02:25:32.000 Just fight it off.

02:25:33.000 No matter what they say about that main room.

02:25:34.000 Don't go in there.

02:25:35.000 That's not the place.

02:25:37.000 It's not the place for it.

02:25:38.000 I mean, I went to the TV tape in Montreal.

02:25:42.000 Oh, you got some feelings about it.

02:25:44.000 How'd you feel about it?

02:25:45.000 How'd you feel about it?

02:25:46.000 I felt good about it.

02:25:47.000 You liked it?

02:25:48.000 I mean, I'm also...

02:25:52.000 Biased in a different...

02:25:53.000 Because I've seen it...

02:25:54.000 I think my first time there was maybe two years ago.

02:25:57.000 Right.

02:25:58.000 Close to that in the belly room.

02:26:01.000 So...

02:26:01.000 And I've seen, even within the belly room, different things they've done to the show in that.

02:26:08.000 Just different things with the DJ, with the wave, with the racist over there, and tweaks that they've made in their...

02:26:19.000 To make the show work.

02:26:21.000 And so to see something that you've been to a bunch of times in this small space and then see it, you know, be in the same spot watching it live, it's cool to see something like that.

02:26:34.000 To see that type of progression, it felt amazing, man.

02:26:39.000 I changed my mind.

02:26:39.000 I like it better now.

02:26:41.000 I think they should do Madison Square fucking Garden! 0.96

02:26:44.000 But yeah, the space always has to be right in this... 0.98

02:26:50.000 It's different.

02:26:52.000 That was like a motivational speech for expanding your theater size.

02:26:55.000 It was really strong.

02:26:56.000 It was cool to see that.

02:27:01.000 I've seen that with comedians or friends of mine.

02:27:11.000 We're good to go.

02:27:28.000 To see it go from a live show and go there a bunch and enjoy it as a live show and then, you know, have it be live on Comedy Central.

02:27:36.000 That was something cool.

02:27:38.000 I enjoyed watching that and I was really happy for them.

02:27:41.000 Yeah, no, I completely agree, all jokes aside. 0.98

02:27:45.000 I mean, I think what they've managed to do by getting that show on the air is pretty monumental because this is a goddamn brutal show, right? 0.97

02:27:52.000 Yeah.

02:27:52.000 Do they have a webpage?

02:27:54.000 Pull up the Comedy Central website.

02:27:56.000 Do they have a webpage for that show?

02:27:59.000 Are they going to do a bunch of them?

02:28:01.000 I think they're going to do it again.

02:28:03.000 It's cc.com slash roast battle.

02:28:04.000 Can we see it?

02:28:05.000 Yeah.

02:28:05.000 Can I see what the page looks like?

02:28:08.000 Who's the champion?

02:28:08.000 Mike Lawrence.

02:28:10.000 You know Mike?

02:28:11.000 Yeah, I've known him from the store.

02:28:12.000 I've seen him around.

02:28:13.000 He's great.

02:28:13.000 He's super funny.

02:28:15.000 Great writer.

02:28:16.000 I think they have all four episodes up for free.

02:28:18.000 You don't even have to have...

02:28:19.000 Scroll down a little bit?

02:28:20.000 Go in and have the...

02:28:22.000 They had a bracket.

02:28:23.000 Yeah.

02:28:24.000 Now, how many different hosts are they going to have? 0.99

02:28:26.000 What are they going to do for...

02:28:27.000 The host is always is Jeff Ross and Brian Moses.

02:28:35.000 Who is awesome, by the way.

02:28:36.000 Brian Moses.

02:28:37.000 I'm so happy for that dude.

02:28:39.000 He's such a good dude. 0.93

02:28:40.000 So they're not gonna fuck with it. 0.91

02:28:41.000 So it's gonna basically be in the same state that it's always been in. 0.98

02:28:45.000 Except for the racists.

02:28:47.000 They can't have the racists.

02:28:49.000 See, here's my only feeling.

02:28:51.000 This is my only feeling.

02:28:52.000 I don't have a problem with them doing it.

02:28:53.000 I don't have a problem with anything.

02:28:54.000 But I wouldn't suggest them filming those shows. 0.98

02:28:58.000 I would suggest them doing those shows and filming the fucking Belly Room shows. 1.00

02:29:04.000 There's a world in that room that when someone's killing, like when Earl Skagel came out for that roast battle thing and just destroyed. 0.98

02:29:13.000 Remember that night he came out with a fur coat on?

02:29:15.000 Did you see that on Comedy Central?

02:29:17.000 Dude, they filmed it.

02:29:18.000 And it was magic.

02:29:20.000 Because there's 90 people in there.

02:29:21.000 And they're smushed like sardines.

02:29:23.000 It's packed.

02:29:24.000 It's a vibe in there.

02:29:26.000 Everything has to be in line when you're killing.

02:29:28.000 There's a frequency you have to hit.

02:29:31.000 And Earl was just on that frequency.

02:29:33.000 And when you see someone do something like that in a small room, you realize that's the value of the small room.

02:29:39.000 When a small room...

02:29:40.000 Here's that.

02:29:41.000 Yeah.

02:29:42.000 This is a video of those guys. 0.97

02:29:44.000 But when you're in a small room like that and you just let it all hang out, there's a weird fucking energy to that. 0.90

02:29:53.000 There's a weird connection to that. 0.94

02:29:56.000 It's different than anything else.

02:29:57.000 And it's way different than a big place.

02:29:59.000 Like a big place is nice, it's beautiful to be there, it's cool to be a part of like, 10,000 people came to see Rose Battle, yay! 0.95

02:30:06.000 But the best show is that 90 seat belly room or 80 seat, whatever the fuck it is, fire codes. 0.84

02:30:13.000 One of the best jokes I ever heard there. 0.95

02:30:16.000 I wish I could remember this comedian's name.

02:30:21.000 You ever hear a joke that's new that sounds like it's from the 50s or 60s?

02:30:29.000 Just in structure and brevity?

02:30:32.000 Right.

02:30:33.000 This guy, he says to this girl, he says, She's in an on and off relationship with her boyfriend.

02:30:42.000 It's on when he sees her body, off when he sees her face. 1.00

02:30:48.000 Oh shit. 1.00

02:30:52.000 Did you? 1.00

02:30:53.000 It sounded like you heard it before, but you didn't.

02:30:57.000 I haven't heard it before.

02:30:58.000 No, I never heard it before. 0.99

02:31:00.000 But it sounds like some old shit your uncle would say, but we never... 1.00

02:31:06.000 That was a fucking... 1.00

02:31:07.000 I mean, I've heard many great jokes there, but that one just stuck in my ear. 0.99

02:31:12.000 They just found the 8th ever Tyrannosaurus Rex skull in Montana.

02:31:16.000 That's right up there with that. 1.00

02:31:17.000 It's like people find shit sometimes. 0.99

02:31:19.000 They're like, why has no one found this skull? 1.00

02:31:21.000 They just didn't.

02:31:22.000 Okay?

02:31:22.000 No one saw that combination of words.

02:31:25.000 It's perfect.

02:31:26.000 Meanwhile, there's some dude right now in the Midwest screaming. 1.00

02:31:29.000 That's my bit, bitch. 1.00

02:31:30.000 That's my bit. 1.00

02:31:30.000 That's my fucking bit. 1.00

02:31:32.000 Going crazy. 0.99

02:31:33.000 Somebody might have come up with that and we don't even know.

02:31:35.000 We just never heard it.

02:31:36.000 It might be an open-miker.

02:31:38.000 They might have come up with it three solid weeks ago.

02:31:40.000 Yeah.

02:31:40.000 They might have put it on YouTube.

02:31:42.000 We might be fucked. 1.00

02:31:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:31:45.000 These days, man.

02:31:46.000 I saw a bunch of Ryan Lochte jokes.

02:31:49.000 Yeah.

02:31:49.000 What's that dude's name?

02:31:50.000 They're like the same joke over and over and over again.

02:31:53.000 On Twitter?

02:31:54.000 About him getting robbed.

02:31:55.000 Yeah.

02:31:56.000 And him lying?

02:31:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.90

02:31:58.000 Like, now would be a good time to rob him.

02:32:00.000 Like, I saw that, like, for, like... 1.00

02:32:01.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:32:02.000 Everybody would think that. 1.00

02:32:04.000 Did anybody do jokes about getting his sponsorships, endorsement deals?

02:32:08.000 That seemed like an easy joke.

02:32:08.000 They all get dropped?

02:32:09.000 They all get dropped?

02:32:10.000 They dropped a bunch of them today.

02:32:11.000 And so part of me was like...

02:32:13.000 He went for a body hair removal one.

02:32:16.000 Wait a minute.

02:32:17.000 Hmm.

02:32:18.000 Okay.

02:32:19.000 So they're looking for people.

02:32:20.000 So shout out to Speedo. 0.99

02:32:23.000 Speedo, first of all, Speedo, hey, everybody that wants to wear your shit isn't in great shape. 0.99

02:32:29.000 So how about you look at me, Hannibal Buress. 0.99

02:32:32.000 That's a good point.

02:32:33.000 Successful Samsung representative.

02:32:36.000 Also got some other stuff coming up.

02:32:38.000 That's right, a lot of things in the works.

02:32:39.000 Charming Pitchman.

02:32:40.000 Irons in the fire.

02:32:41.000 I have a horrible lifestyle, horrible health, but great skin.

02:32:47.000 I look great on camera, good smile.

02:32:49.000 Speedos.

02:32:49.000 People like me.

02:32:50.000 I look people in the eyes when I talk to them, I shake their hands, and I always look in the eyes when I do shots.

02:32:55.000 Two words, neon, orange.

02:32:57.000 Speedos.

02:32:58.000 Who else did Ryan Lochte lose?

02:33:00.000 Anybody else did Ryan Lochte lose?

02:33:02.000 Also, first of all...

02:33:03.000 I've been to Brazil, never had a problem.

02:33:05.000 First of all...

02:33:06.000 He shouldn't have lied about that.

02:33:08.000 It seemed like something he didn't need to lie about.

02:33:10.000 Duh. 1.00

02:33:11.000 Also, fuck swimmers being celebrated like that. 1.00

02:33:16.000 I like it that they're celebrated. 1.00

02:33:18.000 No.

02:33:18.000 Because I wish walkers would be celebrated.

02:33:20.000 I wish we could figure out what is walking and who can walk the fastest.

02:33:23.000 Yeah.

02:33:24.000 Who's the fastest walker? 0.60

02:33:25.000 Let's celebrate it all.

02:33:27.000 Stay alive.

02:33:28.000 Swimming.

02:33:29.000 We could have a Holder Breather Olympics where people hold their breath the longest.

02:33:32.000 Let's do that too.

02:33:34.000 I like it.

02:33:35.000 Swimming, it's too many strokes.

02:33:37.000 Let's throw rocks.

02:33:38.000 It's too many strokes.

02:33:39.000 The furthest rock throw.

02:33:40.000 The strokes, I respect this, whatever this is, the regular.

02:33:46.000 I respect this.

02:33:47.000 What is the regular?

02:33:47.000 I don't even know what it's called.

02:33:48.000 The regular, but when you get into this, the freestyle, when you get into this, I can't fuck with this. 0.97

02:33:53.000 Okay, for the people that are just listening, regular is you're throwing your arms over the head like you see in the pool. 1.00

02:33:58.000 But when you're doing your shoulders with the goofy shit and swimming like that, the fly stroke, the breast stroke, get out of here with your fucking breast stroke. 1.00

02:34:06.000 Nobody cares. 1.00

02:34:08.000 Michael Phelps got 22 gold medals. 0.99

02:34:11.000 Yeah, but a bunch of them were for swimming like a goofy asshole that nobody swims like. 1.00

02:34:16.000 Get out of here. 1.00

02:34:17.000 He's not the greatest Olympian.

02:34:18.000 He swims in water. 0.99

02:34:20.000 Damn, that's a good point. 1.00

02:34:21.000 Fuck that. 1.00

02:34:22.000 Here's what's a good point. 1.00

02:34:23.000 Someone shit themselves? 0.99

02:34:24.000 How many times you gotta swim away from danger? 0.98

02:34:26.000 One of the walkers. 0.99

02:34:27.000 One of the walkers shit themselves? 0.98

02:34:28.000 How often do you have to swim away from danger? 0.97

02:34:31.000 You might save a couple lives.

02:34:32.000 Usain Bolt, he gonna save some lives.

02:34:35.000 He can run fast.

02:34:35.000 Oh, I ran in there.

02:34:36.000 I got out.

02:34:37.000 Or somebody's attacking him.

02:34:39.000 I'm out of here.

02:34:39.000 Usain Bolt.

02:34:40.000 But you're usually not around water like that to get away from danger.

02:34:45.000 Swimming.

02:34:47.000 Here's the point.

02:34:48.000 There's too many strokes.

02:34:49.000 Why limit the way you move?

02:34:51.000 Like, if you're gonna swim, like, why do you have to swim in a very specific way?

02:34:55.000 If this breaststroke thing was so fucking good, wouldn't it be the fastest way to do this? 0.69

02:35:00.000 Yeah! 0.95

02:35:00.000 Let's pretend. 0.95

02:35:02.000 Let's pretend this is the only shitty way we know how to swim. 1.00

02:35:05.000 Let's just fucking throw our arms in front of ourselves like we're parting the curtains, like those beads at the porno section of the video store before there were DVRs and DVDs and YOU PORN! Those days! 1.00

02:35:19.000 If they're gonna have the fucking breaststroke, if they're gonna have this stroke, if they're gonna have this, then why not just have a fucking Olympic competition where you just run, but you high-kneeing the whole time? 0.99

02:35:30.000 That's a very good point. 0.99

02:35:31.000 High-kneeing.

02:35:31.000 Let's have backwards running.

02:35:32.000 If you got the backstroke, why is there no backwards running in the Olympics? 0.86

02:35:36.000 From now on, we should call that move the porn section.

02:35:40.000 That is you parting the beads that are hanging. 0.91

02:35:43.000 I bet when they fucking, when video games went under, or excuse me, videos, video rentals went under, I bet the bead industry dropped substantially. 0.96

02:35:53.000 I bet a big part of their profits was beading off the porn sections. 0.98

02:35:57.000 I'm dating myself here.

02:35:58.000 But you guys don't even understand.

02:36:00.000 You guys are both youngins. 0.96

02:36:01.000 When I was a boy, when I was a boy, You could rent videos, and you could rent porn videos. 0.97

02:36:08.000 I gotta go to the bathroom.

02:36:09.000 Can you yell drunkenly for me for one minute?

02:36:12.000 Drunkenly?

02:36:13.000 Oh, got it.

02:36:14.000 When I was a kid, Hannibal Buress can't handle his bladder, I guess.

02:36:22.000 I hung in there, folks.

02:36:24.000 I did my best. 0.99

02:36:25.000 But Louis Theroux, doing that podcast with him for three hours, and then I had some water like an asshole in between. 0.99

02:36:32.000 Couldn't hang in there, folks. 0.94

02:36:33.000 I'm so sorry.

02:36:36.000 What were we just talking about, Jamie?

02:36:37.000 Were you paying attention?

02:36:39.000 What?

02:36:40.000 What? 0.87

02:36:42.000 Oh, goddammit, Jamie.

02:36:43.000 Olympics?

02:36:45.000 Swimming?

02:36:46.000 Well, limiting your movements. 0.96

02:36:47.000 This is ridiculous.

02:36:49.000 Like, the idea that someone's gonna say, okay, you can swim, but you can't swim at your best. 0.96

02:36:54.000 Swim in some goofy way that's not efficient.

02:36:56.000 Go ahead, try that.

02:36:58.000 Because if somebody could just do breaststroke only versus a freestyle swimmer, they would never win, right?

02:37:04.000 No way, right?

02:37:05.000 Why most Olympic events are events that we're looking at anyway, I'm confused at. 1.00

02:37:10.000 Well, I'm a super big fan of curling, so I'm going to tell you to fuck off right now. 0.99

02:37:15.000 You ever watch that? 1.00

02:37:18.000 Hannibal, you ever see curling?

02:37:19.000 Ten years ago and everyone else got excited about it.

02:37:21.000 Winter Olympic sport?

02:37:23.000 I was in, I think it was Newfoundland?

02:37:25.000 Newfoundland?

02:37:27.000 Newfoundland?

02:37:27.000 For a gig?

02:37:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:37:29.000 Great time.

02:37:30.000 Nice people.

02:37:31.000 When?

02:37:31.000 Long time ago.

02:37:32.000 Yeah, no.

02:37:33.000 Yeah, you don't play Newfoundland again.

02:37:34.000 I'll go back.

02:37:35.000 I would go back.

02:37:35.000 Nah, you don't play Newfoundland recently.

02:37:37.000 I would totally do it.

02:37:38.000 Oh, why haven't you done it then? 0.99

02:37:39.000 I like to do weird shit. 0.93

02:37:40.000 It's there. 0.99

02:37:41.000 It's been there.

02:37:42.000 There's only a certain amount of days.

02:37:43.000 You haven't asked your agent to go to Newfoundland.

02:37:44.000 The years are filled up very quickly with metropolis areas.

02:37:47.000 Well, haven't you been an ambassador for UFC Newfoundland?

02:37:50.000 Point being, I tried erroneously to make fun of curling while I was in Newfoundland.

02:37:56.000 They boo you off the stage?

02:37:58.000 The hallways of the place we were at had all these photos of people curling. 0.98

02:38:01.000 So the dude with the broom and the dude with the fucking hockey, the giant steroided out hockey puck, they're sliding across the ground. 0.98

02:38:08.000 It's so goofy. 0.98

02:38:10.000 So you try to run it, meaning that...

02:38:11.000 I tried joking around about it.

02:38:13.000 They were not with it?

02:38:14.000 Oh, come on. 0.87

02:38:17.000 They loved it.

02:38:18.000 They loved their curling.

02:38:19.000 Sort of?

02:38:20.000 Yeah.

02:38:21.000 I don't understand it, but I guess I don't have to.

02:38:25.000 You don't have to.

02:38:26.000 They like it.

02:38:27.000 They like it.

02:38:27.000 Also, it's Newfoundland.

02:38:29.000 And...

02:38:30.000 We should go to Newfoundland.

02:38:31.000 After a while, you watch it for like an hour or so, you kind of get compelled. 0.99

02:38:35.000 Like, who the fuck's gonna win this thing? 0.99

02:38:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:38:37.000 Stupid. 1.00

02:38:38.000 Let's book a gig in Newfoundland. 1.00

02:38:39.000 So is baseball.

02:38:39.000 Let's do it.

02:38:40.000 Let's do Newfoundland.

02:38:41.000 Okay, I'm in. 0.99

02:38:43.000 But you know you're black, right? 0.98

02:38:45.000 Listen, man. 0.99

02:38:46.000 Just kidding.

02:38:47.000 It's Canada.

02:38:50.000 Are they the nicest people on the earth or is it like Swedish people? 1.00

02:38:53.000 Have you ever been to Sweden?

02:38:54.000 They're not the nicest people on earth.

02:38:55.000 I think it's like the same way sometimes it's southern hospitality and then sometimes it's southern passive aggressiveness and they just talk horribly behind your back.

02:39:06.000 Right.

02:39:06.000 And that's like, well, I was talking about this with somebody recently.

02:39:11.000 Try to imagine the fact that 1865, when slavery was abolished, was less than 200 years ago.

02:39:19.000 Try to imagine what 200 years is, because it's only two lifetimes.

02:39:23.000 Two people being alive from birth to death.

02:39:25.000 That's 200 years.

02:39:27.000 Two very healthy people.

02:39:29.000 Yeah, very healthy, very lucky people.

02:39:31.000 So they're stuck in this swamp.

02:39:34.000 Probably not slaves.

02:39:35.000 Right, exactly.

02:39:36.000 Slaves aren't living to be hundreds of conditions, aren't that? 0.92

02:39:40.000 Exactly.

02:39:41.000 You don't have access to the...

02:39:42.000 To anything.

02:39:43.000 To none of the gluten-free or the...

02:39:46.000 You don't have the...

02:39:47.000 GMO. The slaves aren't getting the fresh, fresh juice, so let's cut it to maybe 60, 70 years for slaves.

02:39:57.000 Yeah.

02:39:57.000 If you're super lucky.

02:40:00.000 And that is only a short amount of time ago.

02:40:03.000 And no one understands that today.

02:40:07.000 We can intellectualize it.

02:40:10.000 We can think about it.

02:40:11.000 We can put it into our heads and try to figure it out.

02:40:13.000 But no one can figure that out today. 1.00

02:40:15.000 And there's a lot of those areas of the country that are just poisoned by those old stupid ideas. 1.00

02:40:19.000 They're just stuck in there, man. 1.00

02:40:21.000 Yeah.

02:40:22.000 In areas of the world. 1.00

02:40:24.000 There's a lot of weird areas of the world that is poisoned by old, stupid ideas. 1.00

02:40:29.000 I, uh... 1.00

02:40:31.000 I think we should do Newfoundland. 1.00

02:40:33.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:40:33.000 Yes! 1.00

02:40:34.000 I think we should shake on me and Joe Rogan, Newfoundland gig.

02:40:39.000 Let's do another one somewhere else, like Saskatchewan.

02:40:41.000 Saskatchewan?

02:40:42.000 Wanna do Saskatchewan in January?

02:40:44.000 Wanna get crazy?

02:40:46.000 I met some Canadian, when I was in Minneapolis, and they were like, I think they might have been from Saskatchewan, and they were like, you need to come, because it was some tourism convention or something.

02:40:57.000 You need to come to Saskatchewan.

02:40:59.000 Did you do Edmonton?

02:41:00.000 I think I'm either doing Edmonton or Calgary on this tour.

02:41:04.000 Dude, the River Cree in Edmonton, the casino, that is fantastic.

02:41:08.000 That is fun, man. 1.00

02:41:09.000 That's a fun fucking place. 0.99

02:41:11.000 I like Edmonton, man. 1.00

02:41:13.000 They're good fucking people. 1.00

02:41:14.000 They're just stuck. 1.00

02:41:15.000 It's some weird spot that's like really cold for like four months of the year.

02:41:20.000 But it's all the oil money, right?

02:41:22.000 It's the oil money.

02:41:23.000 So you got these people who sometimes know they just come out of high school and make six figures.

02:41:31.000 Yeah.

02:41:32.000 Well, they're Canadian, too.

02:41:34.000 There's something about Canadians.

02:41:35.000 Like, their culture does not support this, like, the world domination idea that the United States sort of has ingrained in us.

02:41:44.000 Like, we're the police of the world, for good or for bad, right?

02:41:47.000 It's a lot of people think that way.

02:41:48.000 Mostly bad.

02:41:49.000 Yeah, right.

02:41:50.000 But the Canadians don't have this.

02:41:52.000 It's just Canada's trying to create a good life for themselves.

02:41:55.000 Yeah, they're just people.

02:41:56.000 And there's a real value in that.

02:41:59.000 But there's also like this idea that the only way Canada would exist is if the United States is below it.

02:42:04.000 Right. 1.00

02:42:05.000 Protecting it because we're such a fucking gangster country. 1.00

02:42:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:42:09.000 Right?

02:42:09.000 So that's the idea that I think makes total sense if you're looking at it objectively.

02:42:14.000 But goddamn it makes for some nice folks. 0.94

02:42:16.000 Because Canada, they're like, I think, maybe my all-time favorite people anywhere. 0.98

02:42:21.000 I think they're the nicest people everywhere.

02:42:22.000 I like doing shows.

02:42:23.000 I was drawing numbers in Canada at good spots, in 300, 400 seat spots.

02:42:33.000 Easily before I was doing it over here.

02:42:36.000 That makes sense.

02:42:37.000 I remember doing shows in Vancouver in 2011 and Toronto.

02:42:43.000 Played the horseshoe in 2011 and then coming through first time just with light credits and then getting there. 0.99

02:42:52.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:42:53.000 They coming to fuck with me here. 1.00

02:42:55.000 I couldn't... 1.00

02:42:57.000 You know when you first start doing the road and you start hitting some spots and you're like, what the fuck? 0.96

02:43:01.000 I got people here? 0.82

02:43:03.000 And that's what Canada was when I started getting offers.

02:43:07.000 I was thinking, what is...

02:43:09.000 It wasn't big money, but it was just to have that.

02:43:13.000 It was Vancouver.

02:43:15.000 I forget the promoter's name, but I played maybe the Rickshaw or something in Horseshoe Tavern in Toronto five years ago.

02:43:25.000 And just being shocked that there was that many people there.

02:43:28.000 It was psyched.

02:43:30.000 It happened earlier over there, man.

02:43:34.000 You know what you got to do in Toronto next time you're there?

02:43:36.000 You got to do the weed shop.

02:43:38.000 Oh, they have a show there, right? 0.98

02:43:41.000 They have a front room where they sell bongs and rolling papers and shit. 0.98

02:43:46.000 And then you go in the back room. 0.97

02:43:47.000 And the back room doesn't have any air.

02:43:50.000 It's all just pot smoke.

02:43:51.000 You're breathing in pot smoke.

02:43:53.000 There's no air.

02:43:53.000 There's no air left.

02:43:54.000 The candles, there's candles on the table.

02:43:57.000 They're all running on pot smoke and promises. 0.99

02:44:00.000 There's no fucking air in that room, man. 1.00

02:44:02.000 It's all just pot smoke. 1.00

02:44:03.000 And you get high before you go on stage, and then you go on stage, and then it's preposterous. 1.00

02:44:08.000 Everybody is in a goddamn coma. 0.99

02:44:10.000 It is the strangest comedy show you've ever done. 0.99

02:44:12.000 Nobody wants that from me.

02:44:14.000 This is what you need.

02:44:14.000 Do your regular show first, and then head over to that place around 12.30 a.m.

02:44:21.000 You know what I'm into?

02:44:22.000 Because I do...

02:44:23.000 I like THC capsules.

02:44:28.000 Me too.

02:44:30.000 Because I get so weird and in my head sometimes where I can't, unless I'm a little drunk or a little on something else, I'm not able to enjoy myself high a lot, especially if I'm in a situation where I'm recognizable.

02:44:48.000 If I'm high on weed and people recognize me, I get weirded the fuck out.

02:44:55.000 That's understandable.

02:44:56.000 It blows my mind.

02:44:57.000 I'm like, what am I doing?

02:44:58.000 What is life?

02:44:59.000 What did I choose?

02:45:00.000 What's going on?

02:45:01.000 What are these people?

02:45:02.000 Why are they talking to me?

02:45:03.000 Why did I do this?

02:45:05.000 I just get, if I'm high, I just can't.

02:45:12.000 Handle it, dude.

02:45:13.000 We need to hang out more.

02:45:14.000 For sure.

02:45:15.000 Definitely.

02:45:16.000 But the THC capsules...

02:45:18.000 I'm gonna hold your hand, figuratively.

02:45:22.000 THC capsules, I took...

02:45:24.000 I went to this dispensary.

02:45:28.000 Shout out to Native Roots in Denver.

02:45:31.000 And I'm smooth on that.

02:45:34.000 Also, I think maybe the way I smoke, I shouldn't be out and about. 0.99

02:45:39.000 My smoking, it should be just chilling, watching some shit, playing some video games. 0.97

02:45:46.000 But my weed smoking, if I can't create a situation where nobody can talk to me, then that's how I need to be high. 0.99

02:45:57.000 Or the capsules.

02:45:58.000 The capsules, I can talk to.

02:46:00.000 A capsule smooths me out.

02:46:02.000 And I started taking those. 0.99

02:46:04.000 This shit is great, and I feel good, and I feel... 1.00

02:46:08.000 I can do stand-up on them. 1.00

02:46:10.000 I can't smoke weed and do stand-up, but I can take a capsule and be high and do stand-up.

02:46:14.000 Hmm.

02:46:17.000 Do you know the difference between eating it and smoking it?

02:46:21.000 Slightly, but I'm ready for this explanation.

02:46:24.000 There's a chemical difference.

02:46:25.000 It's like, you smoke it, it's THC. You eat it, the compound of the marijuana is processed by your liver.

02:46:31.000 It produces something called 11-hydroxymetabolite.

02:46:34.000 Okay.

02:46:35.000 It's way more psychoactive.

02:46:36.000 It's like four to five times more psychoactive than THC. So you're talking about the capsules?

02:46:40.000 No, I'm talking about any time you eat it.

02:46:42.000 Eat it?

02:46:42.000 I don't like edibles either.

02:46:44.000 But if you're taking a capsule, you're eating it.

02:46:45.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:46:47.000 It doesn't matter.

02:46:48.000 It's like if it goes through your digestive tract and it's processed by your liver.

02:46:52.000 It takes a little bit about an hour or so, depending upon the dosage and how strong it is.

02:46:58.000 Whether you have a full stomach, I guess, probably has something to do with it.

02:47:02.000 But when it's processed by your liver, it produces this weird psychedelic drug.

02:47:08.000 It's very different than just regular pop.

02:47:10.000 Well, I don't know.

02:47:11.000 For some reason, the capsules, I feel way smoother on them than just smoking somebody's joint.

02:47:17.000 Do you know how many milligrams are in those capsules?

02:47:19.000 I think it's 10. Oh, that's good.

02:47:23.000 That's a really reasonable dose.

02:47:24.000 And that's the good news about marijuana, like medical marijuana going nationwide, is that you can take a reasonable dose, like 10 milligrams, and it's therapeutic for your body.

02:47:34.000 It feels good.

02:47:35.000 You relax.

02:47:36.000 Nobody gets hurt.

02:47:37.000 Also, you have somebody explaining to you?

02:47:40.000 I mean, I wish I bought way more in Denver.

02:47:44.000 And also, if you can just mail me, I'll send you money.

02:47:47.000 Dude, we'll hook you up.

02:47:48.000 Relax.

02:47:49.000 Don't say any more.

02:47:50.000 You're going to get catfished by a cop.

02:47:53.000 Catfish by a cop?

02:47:53.000 Yeah, they're gonna...

02:47:54.000 Hey, dude, bro. 1.00

02:47:55.000 I've always wanted to fucking hate you. 1.00

02:47:56.000 You're gonna be fake cops, bro. 1.00

02:47:58.000 You're gonna get deep in your posse. 1.00

02:47:59.000 I'd be like, this dude is a fucking weirdo anyways. 1.00

02:48:01.000 It's gonna be a girl. 1.00

02:48:03.000 It's just tiny waist. 0.72

02:48:04.000 Waist like my wrist.

02:48:05.000 Yeah, they don't like to do stuff with people. 0.99

02:48:06.000 Ass like an explosion. 1.00

02:48:08.000 They're not giving people. 0.99

02:48:08.000 They're not thoughtful. 0.99

02:48:09.000 They just want to fuck. 1.00

02:48:10.000 They're not thoughtful. 1.00

02:48:11.000 Maybe.

02:48:12.000 Maybe.

02:48:13.000 That's a good point.

02:48:15.000 That's a good point.

02:48:15.000 It's hard.

02:48:17.000 Usually, thoughtful women aren't classically... 1.00

02:48:23.000 Beautiful.

02:48:24.000 Wow, I can't believe you said that.

02:48:26.000 No, no, no, no.

02:48:27.000 That really hurts.

02:48:28.000 Not a one online.

02:48:31.000 Thinking about my mom right now.

02:48:33.000 Online, as far as somebody's gonna reach out to you, the motto is not gonna reach out to you. 0.99

02:48:40.000 Hey, what do you need and shit? 0.98

02:48:43.000 Do you need something? 1.00

02:48:44.000 A model chick will reach out and say, hey, you want to hang out? 1.00

02:48:48.000 But nobody's going to reach out.

02:48:49.000 A model chick is not reaching out like, hey, I got this for you. 1.00

02:48:52.000 One thumb in the asshole, two fingers in the pussy, gripping like a fucking bowling ball. 1.00

02:48:56.000 No, they're not going to do that. 1.00

02:48:57.000 Yeah, they're not going to say, hey, you need this.

02:49:00.000 They want to hang out.

02:49:02.000 They're not going to say, hey, you need restaurant recommendations.

02:49:05.000 That's a good point.

02:49:06.000 You know, they used to all the attention anyway, so they just say, yeah.

02:49:11.000 That's a good point.

02:49:13.000 Yeah, they just, they want to test the waters.

02:49:15.000 And Hannibal Buress ain't playing games, ladies. 1.00

02:49:17.000 Okay?

02:49:17.000 Unless you're ready to go to DEFCON 4. You ready?

02:49:23.000 I got high standards.

02:49:26.000 Me too.

02:49:27.000 What?

02:49:32.000 I think I want kids, man.

02:49:33.000 Do you?

02:49:34.000 At what age?

02:49:35.000 When you have your third or fourth hotel?

02:49:38.000 I think I want kids in three years.

02:49:40.000 In three years?

02:49:41.000 Two, three years.

02:49:41.000 That's a good move.

02:49:42.000 I saw this pregnant woman on the L train in New York.

02:49:48.000 But she was one of those where she didn't... 1.00

02:49:53.000 She just looked like...

02:49:55.000 Her stomach was bigger.

02:49:56.000 Nothing else.

02:49:58.000 Perfect makeup.

02:49:59.000 Just dressed nice in a nice dress.

02:50:03.000 She didn't have a wedding ring on.

02:50:04.000 I wanted to...

02:50:05.000 I just wanted to ask her if everything was okay.

02:50:09.000 If she was with the dude.

02:50:12.000 She was so beautiful.

02:50:13.000 I kept looking at her.

02:50:14.000 I know she felt me looking at her.

02:50:15.000 I probably weirded her out.

02:50:17.000 She was so beautiful.

02:50:18.000 I started picturing myself.

02:50:22.000 Arguing with the real father five years from now.

02:50:26.000 I started picturing myself on the train.

02:50:33.000 I started picturing myself five years from now, yelling at this dude outside the house in Jersey.

02:50:40.000 Hey, dude, you had your chance. 0.92

02:50:43.000 Yeah, you're just a sperm donor.

02:50:46.000 You're looking at her beautiful face.

02:50:48.000 I'm the real dad.

02:50:50.000 You're calculating the potential for future joy, being with that person with perfect bone structure.

02:50:56.000 You're willing to take a chance and put your whole life into a quagmire.

02:50:58.000 I was just there and just like, oh my god.

02:51:02.000 Look it.

02:51:03.000 Are you okay?

02:51:04.000 Huh?

02:51:05.000 Hey baby, are you okay?

02:51:06.000 That's what I was saying.

02:51:06.000 Are you okay?

02:51:07.000 What would you say?

02:51:08.000 I'm her.

02:51:08.000 Here, go ahead.

02:51:10.000 I'm looking down.

02:51:11.000 I'm just shaking my head.

02:51:12.000 Every now and then I just go like this with my hands.

02:51:14.000 You on the train?

02:51:15.000 Yeah, I'm on the train.

02:51:17.000 I look good though, dude.

02:51:18.000 I know I look good.

02:51:19.000 See, this is the thing.

02:51:20.000 I wouldn't just...

02:51:21.000 I wouldn't even...

02:51:24.000 Go ahead, say something to me.

02:51:25.000 On the train, if I don't have anything organic...

02:51:29.000 Like, I wish something crazy happened.

02:51:32.000 Yo, dude, I'm not asking for real life.

02:51:33.000 This isn't law and order.

02:51:34.000 I know.

02:51:35.000 This is like, come on.

02:51:36.000 Alright, okay.

02:51:37.000 I'm the girl.

02:51:37.000 Ready, girl.

02:51:41.000 Sorry, I just accidentally put my face in your pussy. 1.00

02:51:49.000 Oh, whose baby is that in there? 1.00

02:51:51.000 Is he in the baby's life?

02:51:53.000 Do you picture a long life in him?

02:51:55.000 Hi, I'm financially stable.

02:51:56.000 Not quite emotionally, but I'm getting there.

02:51:59.000 And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, this podcast is a wrap.

02:52:04.000 Hannibal, Montanibal tour.

02:52:07.000 Go to HannibalBurris on Twitter, HannibalBurris.com.

02:52:11.000 HannibalBirds.com.

02:52:12.000 Yeah, check me out on tour.

02:52:13.000 Hannibal Montana Bowl Experience.

02:52:16.000 Come through.

02:52:17.000 Check me out.

02:52:17.000 I'll be on the road.

02:52:18.000 And we're going to do a gig together in Newfoundland. 0.99

02:52:20.000 We're going to make this shit happen. 1.00

02:52:21.000 We're going to make this shit happen. 1.00

02:52:23.000 All right, folks. 0.99

02:52:24.000 Thank you so much.

02:52:25.000 Thank you so much.

02:52:25.000 That was a lot of fun, man.

02:52:27.000 That was a lot of fun.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 22, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #836 - Hannibal Buress

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript