The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #884 - Joey Diaz

00:00:00.000 She would take her shoes off, throw them to the audience. 0.70

00:00:04.000 And then she'd put the YouTube videos, black and white.

00:00:08.000 She'd take her gold chains, throw them, rip her shirt off. 0.99

00:00:11.000 I need to see this.

00:00:13.000 Young Jamie, bring up La Lupe.

00:00:15.000 La Lupe, 19... 1.00

00:00:16.000 I mean, she was a fucking crazy bitch. 1.00

00:00:20.000 My mom was friends with her all along, but... 1.00

00:00:23.000 Later on, I grew up with her son.

00:00:24.000 We were young kids up in like Spanish Harlem, and I would go up there and visit them, and she was crazy. 1.00

00:00:30.000 They even did a one-woman show.

00:00:32.000 There she is?

00:00:32.000 Watch.

00:00:33.000 La Gigiigi.

00:00:33.000 La Lupe, the queen of Latin soul.

00:00:35.000 Look at this crazy bitch. 1.00

00:00:38.000 Wow. 1.00

00:00:41.000 Is it okay to play it?

00:00:44.000 Can you hear it?

00:00:46.000 I don't know why I get kicked off of YouTube.

00:00:48.000 Somebody must own this, right?

00:00:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:00:54.000 Starts throwing her rings and shit, her shoes. 0.99

00:00:56.000 She throws it rings? 1.00

00:00:57.000 She just throws whatever's closest to her. 1.00

00:01:00.000 Look at that.

00:01:04.000 It just gets crazy.

00:01:05.000 Gets crazy.

00:01:06.000 What is it about Latinos, Latinas? 0.86

00:01:09.000 What is it about Latin people? 0.75

00:01:11.000 What is it about Spanish people that makes them so passionate and crazy and hot-blooded? 1.00

00:01:15.000 What is it?

00:01:16.000 Is it genetic?

00:01:17.000 Is it cultural?

00:01:18.000 It's gotta be genetic.

00:01:19.000 It's gotta be genetic.

00:01:20.000 You think so?

00:01:21.000 When you get ten Cubans together or ten Italians together, Greek, the volume goes up. 0.94

00:01:27.000 We're all from the same.

00:01:28.000 Something has to be.

00:01:31.000 Something.

00:01:31.000 The volume goes up automatically.

00:01:34.000 Old Sicilians, the volume goes up, man.

00:01:37.000 What is it? 1.00

00:01:38.000 And then you have the Spanish thing that is just fucking nuts. 1.00

00:01:42.000 Listen, man, right out in the open right now, I'll say it. 0.99

00:01:45.000 I'm as Cuban as can be born in Cuba.

00:01:47.000 I don't mess with Cuban women. 1.00

00:01:49.000 I don't mess with Spanish women. 1.00

00:01:50.000 I just don't.

00:01:51.000 I love them to death.

00:01:52.000 You talk to a lot of Jewish people, guys, they'll say, I love being a Jew, the whole thing. 0.52

00:01:57.000 I don't mess with Jewish women. 1.00

00:01:58.000 They just don't.

00:01:59.000 You grew up with your mom.

00:01:59.000 You know what you're gonna get.

00:02:01.000 You know what you're gonna get? 1.00

00:02:02.000 You think about your mom and whoever put up with her shit. 1.00

00:02:05.000 You know, your mom's Sicilian, old school. 1.00

00:02:07.000 You know, it's different, man.

00:02:08.000 They yell, they scream.

00:02:10.000 You don't want to put up with that.

00:02:11.000 My mom was pretty calm.

00:02:13.000 Her mom was a yell or screamer. 1.00

00:02:14.000 Yeller, screamer. 1.00

00:02:15.000 If there's a problem, sweet, the saints get called.

00:02:19.000 Ah, the saints get called.

00:02:20.000 Once the saints get called, you got a problem.

00:02:22.000 What did I do to deserve this?

00:02:25.000 But no, I can't.

00:02:27.000 It's too much.

00:02:28.000 It's just too much, man.

00:02:29.000 Too much passion.

00:02:30.000 The shoes come off.

00:02:31.000 People getting yelled at.

00:02:32.000 I don't dig it. 1.00

00:02:33.000 People throwing shit at each other. 1.00

00:02:36.000 But you get those spicy Latinas. 1.00

00:02:38.000 You know, narrowed, zeroed in, and you get them where they're fucking savages. 1.00

00:02:43.000 If you control that into sex and all that, it's fucking probably savagery. 1.00

00:02:48.000 Like I said, I've been with one Spanish girl, and I moved on. 0.99

00:02:51.000 Enough.

00:02:52.000 I got left back. 1.00

00:02:53.000 That's how good the pussy was. 1.00

00:02:54.000 I got left back. 1.00

00:02:55.000 You got left back in school?

00:02:55.000 Seventh grade, got left back.

00:02:57.000 I stopped going to karate, I stopped going to church, and I was just dry-humping her. 1.00

00:03:02.000 And feeling her tits. 1.00

00:03:03.000 Can you imagine if she gave me that monkey in the seventh grade? 1.00

00:03:05.000 I would have been fucking walking dead. 0.99

00:03:07.000 Do you remember how overwhelming it was the first time you were with a girl? 1.00

00:03:12.000 Overwhelming!

00:03:13.000 You'd never had any sort of feeling like that in your life, and now it's just overwhelming.

00:03:18.000 It's completely overwhelming.

00:03:20.000 And then you have two sets of friends.

00:03:21.000 You have the logical friends, and then you have animal friends when you're 13. So I had friends that would go, that's nice.

00:03:28.000 Where are you guys going to go to a movie? 0.99

00:03:29.000 And then you have the fucking heavy-duty animal. 0.98

00:03:31.000 What are you going to do? 0.99

00:03:34.000 You're doing the bigger motions.

00:03:35.000 Yeah, they're like, what are you going to do? 0.99

00:03:36.000 You're going to fucking grab her and make out with her right in the... 1.00

00:03:39.000 They just tell you what to do and you're lost. 1.00

00:03:41.000 You're completely fucking lost when you're 13. But how great is it to fall in love and hold hands and go to the movies and go to get a slice of pizza? 0.92

00:03:50.000 When I was 13, I lived in this place called Jamaica Plain.

00:03:54.000 It's becoming more gentrified now, but at the time it was kind of sketchy.

00:03:57.000 We had some kind of crazy neighbors with this one kid.

00:04:00.000 His name is Paulie Hudson.

00:04:01.000 He lived right next door.

00:04:02.000 Paulie Hudson was my age.

00:04:04.000 We were both like 13. But he was like 30. He was like a 30-year-old 13. He knew a lot of shit.

00:04:10.000 And I remember one time he was talking about sex. 1.00

00:04:12.000 I hadn't even come close to sex.

00:04:14.000 I don't even know if I had kissed a girl.

00:04:16.000 Like maybe.

00:04:16.000 Like a little peck or something like that at 13. Paulie Hudson probably fucked 100 girls by then.

00:04:22.000 I'm not kidding. 1.00

00:04:23.000 This kid was an animal. 1.00

00:04:24.000 And we were talking and he goes, somehow or another it got on the subject of how a penis enters the vagina, how it gets in there. 1.00

00:04:35.000 And he was telling me it goes up. 1.00

00:04:37.000 You go up in her.

00:04:38.000 And I go, you go up in her? 1.00

00:04:40.000 And he goes, you ain't never fucked a girl, have you? 0.99

00:04:43.000 I'm like, no, no, I definitely haven't. 0.99

00:04:46.000 I did want to admit it, I'm sure, but it was fucking obvious. 1.00

00:04:49.000 I didn't even know that your dick went up. 1.00

00:04:52.000 I thought it went straight in. 1.00

00:04:54.000 We all do.

00:04:54.000 I just found that out now, and I'm 53. I didn't know it went up.

00:04:59.000 I literally thought, I could never figure it out in my head, because I was like, well, I kind of know where the vagina is. 1.00

00:05:05.000 Like, how could it work going straight through?

00:05:07.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:05:08.000 But that's literally what I thought.

00:05:10.000 I thought you went straight in.

00:05:11.000 I thought it was like a belly button. 0.92

00:05:14.000 The thoughts you have about sex on a young man or a young woman, you don't know.

00:05:19.000 You can't figure out why they do that.

00:05:23.000 Yeah.

00:05:24.000 Yeah, you're so confused, because you didn't have any of those thoughts two, three years ago.

00:05:28.000 Like, you're ten, and you're just thinking about comic books, and, you know, all the stuff you think about when you're ten.

00:05:35.000 You know, what do you like to do?

00:05:35.000 You like to go fishing or something, you know, and you're just hanging out with your friends.

00:05:38.000 And then all of a sudden, you're thirteen, and your dick is hard all the time, and you're so confused. 0.98

00:05:44.000 And when you're around girls, they hug you, and you're like, whoa! 0.98

00:05:47.000 Your body's just overwhelmed, the smell of their hair, and just...

00:05:52.000 Being around them is so attractive. 0.99

00:05:55.000 You're like, holy shit, what is this? 0.99

00:05:58.000 First time you sneak up behind a girl, you're behind and you smell her hair or something, you're a mower. 1.00

00:06:04.000 You get like a fucking anxiety attack. 1.00

00:06:06.000 Like, what the fuck is this? 1.00

00:06:07.000 He's that close to you. 1.00

00:06:08.000 Or they touch you.

00:06:09.000 And then you have the pee. 0.99

00:06:10.000 Did you have somebody who broke sex down for you? 1.00

00:06:13.000 No.

00:06:13.000 Like, we had a dude in my neighbor that always wore a towel.

00:06:16.000 His name was Puerto Rican Nelson, and he lived in the back of a thing, and we'd go to him.

00:06:20.000 It started with him fixing our bicycles, and we evolved with him.

00:06:24.000 Wow.

00:06:24.000 So we went from playing baseball on the street, and he would come out.

00:06:27.000 He was a bartender at night.

00:06:29.000 He would come out and throw balls with us and whiffle ball.

00:06:32.000 And that's the guy you go up to and you go, hey man, can we talk to you tonight?

00:06:35.000 Because first he introduced us to weed.

00:06:38.000 Right?

00:06:38.000 He was like, you guys smoke weed?

00:06:40.000 And we're like, nah, we didn't have anything.

00:06:41.000 And he sold us like seven joints for $5.

00:06:43.000 So he became our dealer.

00:06:45.000 And then the next level was girls.

00:06:47.000 So we asked him, what do we do about girls? 1.00

00:06:50.000 And he would yell at us, you guys never fucked. 1.00

00:06:53.000 What kind of little fags are you? 1.00

00:06:55.000 He would just fucking say a bunch of shit. 1.00

00:06:58.000 And then it got to the point where we'd have clinics at his house. 1.00

00:07:02.000 And we go, can we come over tonight?

00:07:03.000 Yeah, it better be quick.

00:07:04.000 What time?

00:07:05.000 7.30.

00:07:05.000 We come over and we go, Nelson, we have to take this girl out.

00:07:08.000 What do we do?

00:07:09.000 And he'd break it down.

00:07:10.000 Take it to the movies.

00:07:11.000 You pay.

00:07:12.000 But then you want it more, you know?

00:07:14.000 Nelson, what do we do? 0.82

00:07:16.000 And he's like, all right, I'll teach you about sex.

00:07:18.000 Come around to my window tonight about 8 o'clock. 1.00

00:07:20.000 I'm going to fuck my girlfriend. 1.00

00:07:21.000 I'll let you listen. 1.00

00:07:23.000 Like shit like that. 1.00

00:07:24.000 Creepy shit. 1.00

00:07:25.000 And we actually went over there and ate and listened. 1.00

00:07:29.000 Like, shit like that. 1.00

00:07:30.000 And we would ask him about cum. 1.00

00:07:31.000 Like, what's cum doing? 0.99

00:07:32.000 He would tell us it pregnates the girl. 0.99

00:07:34.000 He was like, in the 70s, there wasn't no sex education at schools, dog. 1.00

00:07:38.000 So you had to get it where the fuck you got it. 1.00

00:07:40.000 Right. 0.99

00:07:41.000 So you didn't have that in Boston?

00:07:43.000 Absolutely.

00:07:45.000 I didn't have any uncles like that or friends like that.

00:07:48.000 Paulie Hudson?

00:07:49.000 No, he made me nervous.

00:07:51.000 I tried to avoid him.

00:07:52.000 He was too street for me.

00:07:54.000 It was too real.

00:07:54.000 He was too street for me, that kid.

00:07:56.000 There was a couple kids like that that were too street for me.

00:07:58.000 I was like, oh, that's when I really realized that I needed to learn how to fight when I moved to Jamaica Plain because I was just super nervous.

00:08:06.000 These guys would pick on me, and I had no idea what to do.

00:08:08.000 Like, if anything went down, I had no idea.

00:08:10.000 Like, my stepdad was never into violence.

00:08:13.000 Nobody ever explained to me how to even punch or hold your hands up correctly.

00:08:17.000 It's like, oh, I gotta learn something.

00:08:19.000 So that's when I started getting into karate, and I was into movies before that, and I'd taken, like, a kung fu class or something like that once when I was, like, Maybe eight years old when I lived in San Francisco, but there really no martial arts to speak of. 0.99

00:08:31.000 In this neighborhood, I was like, fuck, these kids are scaring the shit out of me. 0.98

00:08:35.000 Now, when was this? 1.00

00:08:36.000 Jamaica Plain.

00:08:37.000 In New York?

00:08:38.000 No, this is Boston.

00:08:39.000 This is a suburb of Boston.

00:08:40.000 Not a suburb, really.

00:08:41.000 It was like a...

00:08:42.000 It's an inner...

00:08:43.000 I mean, it's a city area, but it's just...

00:08:45.000 At the time, it was at least just kind of a poor neighborhood.

00:08:49.000 But apparently now they have some nice bars and restaurants and, you know...

00:08:53.000 Housing prices are so expensive.

00:08:54.000 Someone takes a chance on the outskirts, and they start pushing those bad neighborhoods away.

00:08:58.000 They start building up in them, and they become gentrified.

00:09:00.000 You can get a nice house in a nice neighborhood for, you know, a good deal.

00:09:05.000 So a lot of people, you know, that's the giant problem with New York right now.

00:09:08.000 People just keep talking about it in Brooklyn.

00:09:10.000 Brooklyn's just being bought.

00:09:12.000 Really, it's so expensive to live in Manhattan.

00:09:14.000 Have you ever tried to look at, like, real estate?

00:09:16.000 Have you ever, like, fantasized, maybe I'll move to New York for a couple years, like Ari Shafir?

00:09:20.000 You ever thought about doing something like that?

00:09:23.000 I have.

00:09:24.000 I thought about it and I looked at, like, housing prices.

00:09:26.000 You're like, what are you talking about?

00:09:28.000 That's not five million dollars.

00:09:29.000 That's an apartment.

00:09:30.000 How is that five million dollars?

00:09:32.000 Do you have a yard?

00:09:33.000 Is there something I'm missing? 1.00

00:09:35.000 Like, how the fuck? 1.00

00:09:36.000 What the fuck is this? 1.00

00:09:37.000 It's apartments. 1.00

00:09:38.000 It's an apartment. 1.00

00:09:39.000 But they're stupid expensive. 0.99

00:09:42.000 Like, regular rent. 1.00

00:09:43.000 People, they were talking about their regular rent.

00:09:46.000 They were talking like $3,500.

00:09:47.000 I was like, what?

00:09:49.000 Like a regular comic.

00:09:50.000 Not someone who's doing great.

00:09:52.000 Not like a Jim Norton or someone like that.

00:09:53.000 Just a regular comic.

00:09:55.000 He's got a one-bedroom apartment. 1.00

00:09:56.000 I was like, holy shit! 1.00

00:09:58.000 How the fuck do you pay that? 1.00

00:10:01.000 That's heavy. 1.00

00:10:02.000 It's a heavy tariff, brother.

00:10:04.000 It's heavy to live in that city.

00:10:05.000 For me to afford to live in New York, I gotta live down the shore.

00:10:10.000 Would you do that?

00:10:11.000 Do you think you'd go down the shore, or do you think you'd go to Long Island?

00:10:13.000 I would go down the shore, because I'm familiar with it.

00:10:16.000 Right.

00:10:16.000 I would go, like, Route 17, Marlboro, around there.

00:10:20.000 And they got Chinese restaurants.

00:10:22.000 They got old-school Italian places.

00:10:24.000 I know?

00:10:24.000 I've seen them.

00:10:25.000 I've seen them.

00:10:26.000 Doesn't Artie Lang keep a place down there?

00:10:28.000 Doesn't he have, like, a beach house?

00:10:29.000 Yeah, I think he's got one there in Hoboken, yeah.

00:10:31.000 Is it in Hoboken?

00:10:32.000 He has a house.

00:10:33.000 He has a condo, an apartment in Hoboken.

00:10:35.000 Right.

00:10:35.000 I think he's got a place down the shore.

00:10:37.000 And then he has a place down the shore.

00:10:38.000 Yeah.

00:10:39.000 I still do a lot of Bob Gonzo gigs down there.

00:10:42.000 Absolutely.

00:10:43.000 And this is right down the shore.

00:10:45.000 This is a little away from where everybody goes.

00:10:47.000 Right.

00:10:47.000 This is up from Tom's River and Seaside and Belmar and Manisquan.

00:10:51.000 This is Marlboro.

00:10:52.000 It still takes you off the 34, 35. You still got to drive a little bit.

00:10:57.000 To see the ocean and shit. 0.96

00:10:58.000 I just had a friend that lived there. 0.97

00:11:00.000 And I liked the neighborhood.

00:11:02.000 I liked how the neighborhood was.

00:11:03.000 They had an old school Italian delis.

00:11:07.000 You walk in, stinky cheese.

00:11:09.000 I love those places. 0.84

00:11:11.000 Salami, blood salami, all that stuff. 1.00

00:11:13.000 A fucking tongue hanging upside down. 1.00

00:11:15.000 Wet moots with water, you know. 1.00

00:11:18.000 Let me ask you this.

00:11:19.000 Frankie Edgar's gotta be the king of Tom's River. 1.00

00:11:22.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:11:22.000 He's the king, right? 1.00

00:11:23.000 The king.

00:11:24.000 King.

00:11:25.000 That's his place.

00:11:26.000 He made me say Tom's River on a pay-per-view once.

00:11:29.000 Really?

00:11:30.000 Yeah.

00:11:32.000 It's like after he won, say Tom's River.

00:11:35.000 I was like, Tom's River? 1.00

00:11:36.000 Shit. 1.00

00:11:37.000 Tom's River's next to Seaside. 1.00

00:11:39.000 Is it?

00:11:39.000 Yeah, like close to Seaside, Lavalette, if I remember correctly.

00:11:43.000 Because every time I'd be in Seaside, I was in Tom's River.

00:11:47.000 Right, right, right.

00:11:47.000 I used to go to Tom's River.

00:11:48.000 What you do is you go down there and you put on some nets.

00:11:51.000 You put those nets.

00:11:53.000 Like the kids I used to go down there, we stopped by Tom's River.

00:11:55.000 There was a spot.

00:12:08.000 That's the thing, right?

00:12:10.000 The sauce with crabs.

00:12:11.000 You don't really get that out here.

00:12:12.000 No, it's very tough to make.

00:12:14.000 Like, I don't know how to make it.

00:12:15.000 I just saw them do it. 1.00

00:12:16.000 I would never fucking try because I wouldn't trust But they would just take the crabs and put them in a fucking hole. 0.99

00:12:23.000 They would boil the crabs in the tomato sauce. 0.99

00:12:25.000 Remember that?

00:12:25.000 The tomato sauce.

00:12:26.000 And they're like, Mr. Shell Breaks, I don't fucking know how they get the flavor, the meat. 0.99

00:12:31.000 I'm trying to remember if they pulled the meat out or if they left the claws in sometimes. 0.98

00:12:35.000 It seems like sometimes they just left the claws and everything in, right?

00:12:40.000 And you'd have to get it out afterwards.

00:12:41.000 You'd have to suck it out afterwards. 1.00

00:12:42.000 Suck it out, break this shit. 1.00

00:12:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:45.000 You don't see that.

00:12:46.000 It's pretty rare with, like, a red sauce.

00:12:48.000 You'll see it a little bit in a nice, fancy Italian restaurant.

00:12:51.000 As a special of the day.

00:12:52.000 Yeah.

00:12:52.000 Somebody comes in with those crabs.

00:12:54.000 Oh, we got some nice crabs for you. 0.99

00:12:55.000 There was a place that was a real good place that was in West L.A. It was real good, especially when it opened up.

00:13:01.000 It was called Il Grano.

00:13:03.000 And I think it just went under, unfortunately.

00:13:05.000 But this guy, the chef was an artist, man.

00:13:08.000 And he made this squid ink pasta with a crab sauce, like a light tomato-y crab sauce, where it was...

00:13:18.000 I don't know which kind of crab it was.

00:13:20.000 Anyway, Dungeness, that's what it was.

00:13:22.000 Jesus Christ, it was spectacular.

00:13:24.000 It was like this black ink pasta that was cooked just perfect so you chew into it.

00:13:30.000 It's not mushy.

00:13:31.000 It doesn't just dissolve.

00:13:33.000 It's got a little pop to it as you bite into it.

00:13:35.000 And the crab, oh, with the sauce.

00:13:38.000 It was one of my favorite dishes of all time.

00:13:40.000 Now, what's the crab we get in Jersey?

00:13:42.000 I'm getting excited.

00:13:43.000 I think it's Dungeness, isn't it?

00:13:44.000 Is it Dungeness?

00:13:45.000 I don't know.

00:13:46.000 Blue crabs in Maryland, right?

00:13:47.000 Isn't that? 0.99

00:13:48.000 I don't know shit about crabs. 1.00

00:13:49.000 I should probably shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:13:51.000 Because whenever I go to, like, Texas, I get Dungeness crab with the salad. 0.99

00:13:55.000 And is Florida the place where they have those king crabs or Alaska? 0.96

00:14:00.000 But then there's that other big one.

00:14:01.000 Is it a rock crab?

00:14:03.000 Rock crab.

00:14:04.000 The ones with the big-ass, fat claws? 0.87

00:14:07.000 What are those?

00:14:08.000 Stone crabs.

00:14:10.000 That's down in Florida, right?

00:14:11.000 That's in Florida and Texas, I think.

00:14:13.000 I'm not sure.

00:14:14.000 That's a get drunk sort of move. 1.00

00:14:17.000 You eat those things, and you drink a shitload of beers, and your uncle gets drunk and says, stupid shit, and you wind up getting out of there. 1.00

00:14:25.000 But it's crazy, because as a child, I could eat lobster. 1.00

00:14:28.000 I could eat any fish, fucking squid, ink. 0.98

00:14:33.000 The one I could not eat was crab growing up. 1.00

00:14:36.000 Why not?

00:14:36.000 I'd get sick right off the bat.

00:14:37.000 I don't know why.

00:14:38.000 Somebody said it had something.

00:14:40.000 That crab has something that will make you sick. 0.70

00:14:43.000 I didn't start eating crab until maybe 15 years ago.

00:14:47.000 I couldn't eat a crab.

00:14:48.000 I liked the sauce.

00:14:49.000 I could take the sauce, but I had a skin.

00:14:52.000 Iodine!

00:14:53.000 Iodine.

00:14:54.000 Iodine.

00:14:54.000 Somebody said that's what it is.

00:14:55.000 It's heavy in iodine.

00:14:57.000 I don't know if it's true. 0.97

00:14:58.000 I don't fucking know what's in food or not. 0.97

00:15:00.000 But for years, I couldn't eat it. 0.99

00:15:02.000 I started eating crab again Tuesday nights at Miyagi when we used to do comedy there, and they used to lip-sync in there and shit. 0.85

00:15:10.000 One day I had one of those stone crab rolls, and I didn't get sick, so I started eating it again. 0.93

00:15:14.000 Wow.

00:15:15.000 But for years, I'd get sick off crab every time.

00:15:17.000 Anything else could go down.

00:15:20.000 Crabs, clams, whatever. 0.99

00:15:22.000 I just went to Boston, and I went to Legal Seafoods, and I got those big fucking clams every day. 0.98

00:15:28.000 I'd inhale 12 of them. 0.99

00:15:30.000 Jesus.

00:15:31.000 A little horseradish, a little... 0.99

00:15:32.000 Oh, my God, those things are fucking delicious. 1.00

00:15:34.000 Because you got the steamers with the tails and shit. 1.00

00:15:37.000 You don't like those? 0.99

00:15:38.000 I love those.

00:15:40.000 You're making a face like you didn't like them.

00:15:42.000 The steamer's rough when you're eating that tail.

00:15:44.000 Dipping in butter?

00:15:45.000 Dip those in butter. 0.99

00:15:46.000 That was the first day, and then I said, I'm going to switch it up to those big fucking clams. 0.99

00:15:51.000 Cherry necks, right? 0.99

00:15:52.000 Cherry necks.

00:15:53.000 Those are good.

00:15:53.000 Those are very good.

00:15:54.000 I think I prefer them over oysters.

00:15:56.000 Really?

00:15:57.000 The cherry necks?

00:15:58.000 Yeah.

00:15:58.000 I never had more snap to them.

00:16:00.000 Oysters don't work for me either. 1.00

00:16:02.000 The clams have more snap when you're eating them raw.

00:16:06.000 It's interesting because we never thought about that as that being sashimi.

00:16:09.000 You know, you're just getting clams or you're getting oysters.

00:16:12.000 But it's raw fish.

00:16:13.000 It's raw seafood.

00:16:16.000 It really is.

00:16:17.000 How is that any different than getting raw scallops at a sushi place?

00:16:21.000 It's kind of the same.

00:16:23.000 That is a weird thing.

00:16:24.000 We cook almost everything.

00:16:27.000 We cook fish, but there's spots where you can go where they don't cook it. 0.98

00:16:30.000 It's fucking delicious. 0.99

00:16:32.000 It's very good. 1.00

00:16:32.000 They just give it to you raw. 1.00

00:16:34.000 You go to Alaska ever?

00:16:35.000 Yeah, I've been to Alaska.

00:16:37.000 You get the halibut up there?

00:16:39.000 I haven't done that where it's fresh and you get raw.

00:16:43.000 Two different worlds, man.

00:16:45.000 Halibut sushi is really good.

00:16:46.000 I would imagine if you got it like right off the fish, it would be amazing.

00:16:49.000 Amazing.

00:16:50.000 Yeah, it's weird that we have these sort of rules like as far as like food preparation and it just changed with sushi.

00:16:59.000 Like think of this country up until sushi.

00:17:01.000 Like no one was serving raw fish anywhere until what?

00:17:04.000 I mean, what year did sushi come out?

00:17:06.000 The 80s or something?

00:17:07.000 70s.

00:17:08.000 I remember Japanese restaurants in New York City.

00:17:11.000 I don't remember sushi.

00:17:12.000 But sushi's a thing.

00:17:14.000 I didn't try sushi till Seattle, like 95. Really?

00:17:17.000 I stayed away from it, yeah. 0.99

00:17:18.000 But once I was in, I was fucking all in. 0.91

00:17:21.000 I definitely remember sushi when I was a kid. 0.98

00:17:24.000 I remember it from when I was like 18, 19 years old.

00:17:27.000 I remember that.

00:17:29.000 So it had to be before then.

00:17:32.000 So maybe it was like the 70s.

00:17:34.000 If you think about it, culinarily speaking, if you could do that, that's a long-ass time.

00:17:42.000 No sushi a long-ass time in this country all those years with no sushi And then all of a sudden sushi now you've been to Japan yeah, and as a sushi different in Japan I don't really know I couldn't say that honestly because I went to a couple places I didn't go to a lot of places,

00:17:58.000 you know, we're only there for the UFC so it's pretty in and out but The sushi that we found there was like You know, you're in a Japanese restaurant.

00:18:08.000 It has a totally different feel.

00:18:10.000 Because you're in Japan. 0.96

00:18:12.000 I mean, you're in Japan.

00:18:13.000 The people can barely speak English if they speak English at all.

00:18:17.000 The menus are all in both Japanese and English, which is pretty cool.

00:18:22.000 It's one of the cool things about traveling.

00:18:24.000 A lot of people speak English.

00:18:25.000 So there's a lot of places you can go where you can at least sort of get by.

00:18:30.000 They speak enough English so you can get by.

00:18:33.000 And that's the case.

00:18:41.000 It's a weird thing, man, with Japan. 0.98

00:18:44.000 It's a totally different world.

00:18:46.000 When you go to Japan, their culture is so interesting.

00:18:49.000 The way they choose to behave collectively is so interesting.

00:18:53.000 They're super polite.

00:18:54.000 They have giant crowds of people on the streets, and there's no issues.

00:18:58.000 Everybody walks by each other with no problems.

00:19:01.000 It seems like, even though it's an accelerated culture... 0.99

00:19:06.000 Obviously, they get a lot of shit done. 0.97

00:19:07.000 They make a lot of things. 0.98

00:19:08.000 They have giant businesses.

00:19:10.000 And it's a small place.

00:19:11.000 If you look at how tiny it is, how many people are stacked in there.

00:19:14.000 But they're super polite.

00:19:15.000 Really, I mean, it's amazing how little crime, how much order you have.

00:19:20.000 And then every now and then, you have these dudes who've come from other countries and decided, like, oh, this is an easy pickings place.

00:19:31.000 We were there, we ran into, we were walking to a restaurant, and we ran into these African dudes trying to get you to go into these massage places.

00:19:39.000 And they're like super aggressive about it.

00:19:42.000 And you're like, whoa, this is interesting.

00:19:44.000 So you have all these polite Japanese guys, and then these really like slick, streetwise dudes have moved into spots.

00:19:52.000 And you could see them sort of work in these places, but they're in Tokyo.

00:19:57.000 Which is, you know, overall, just really, really polite.

00:20:01.000 It's interesting.

00:20:02.000 It's really interesting.

00:20:03.000 Apparently, I didn't experience it, but apparently they have a really, especially the older folks, do not like white people.

00:20:09.000 They just are not really into Americans being around. 0.92

00:20:12.000 We bombed them.

00:20:13.000 Oh yeah, I know.

00:20:15.000 I mean, you think they're going to forgive us that quick?

00:20:17.000 We don't think about that.

00:20:19.000 In our generation, we don't think about that.

00:20:21.000 That's why I don't eat Vietnam food for a long time.

00:20:24.000 I'm like, we just fought them.

00:20:25.000 They want to poison us. 1.00

00:20:26.000 You want to go down and eat Vietnamese fucking egg rolls? 1.00

00:20:29.000 They just fucking poison us. 1.00

00:20:30.000 I would poison you. 1.00

00:20:31.000 You know? 1.00

00:20:34.000 Yeah.

00:20:34.000 It's funny how the menus, like, what we think Chinese...

00:20:38.000 That's why I asked you, because what we think Chinese food is here is completely different over there, because it gets Americanized, and the same thing goes for sushi.

00:20:45.000 Bob Sapp told me that when we were shooting along his yard.

00:20:48.000 He said the sushi was more a little primitive over there. 1.00

00:20:51.000 Like, they'll come up with a fucking octopus, you know, like shit like that. 1.00

00:20:54.000 Well, there's a lot of places that'll do that. 1.00

00:20:56.000 Jamie, I need a cup.

00:20:57.000 Okay.

00:20:59.000 You want that one?

00:21:00.000 No, no, no.

00:21:01.000 I'll use this one.

00:21:02.000 When, you know, I was watching something on food, and they were talking about a place in Japan where you go get some type...

00:21:08.000 It's a place where they only serve food that has...

00:21:11.000 It's an aphrodisiac.

00:21:13.000 Only? 0.99

00:21:13.000 Like, it's bull's balls and something's eyeballs or something. 0.99

00:21:17.000 So you go in there... 0.94

00:21:19.000 To get tuned up for a date.

00:21:21.000 Like when you go to El Paso, Texas, okay?

00:21:25.000 If you go towards the end of El Paso, Texas and get Mexican soup, like Yucatan fish soup, there's a couple heads in there with the eyeballs looking right at you. 0.76

00:21:34.000 You wouldn't find that here in California. 0.99

00:21:36.000 They'd have a fucking heart attack. 0.99

00:21:37.000 But once you get more of those towards the country itself, they start showing their culture. 1.00

00:21:43.000 Like, we don't know nothing about bulls' balls.

00:21:45.000 It's something to do with bulls and how they put it in a soup or something that's a special of the day, and the women can eat it also. 0.77

00:21:52.000 But it just becomes something different.

00:21:54.000 That's why I was asking you about the food.

00:21:57.000 Well, the one place that we went to, we went to at least two sushi places, but one place we went to was supposedly a great place.

00:22:05.000 I think Bourdain might have recommended it to me.

00:22:09.000 Name drop.

00:22:09.000 But when we went in there, it was just, you know, same stuff that you get here.

00:22:15.000 Really fresh, really, you know, it was right out of the ocean, I'm sure.

00:22:19.000 But that's the same thing here.

00:22:21.000 We share the ocean.

00:22:23.000 A lot of the same fish.

00:22:24.000 But the Japanese fish people, Japanese sushi places only buy from Japanese fishing guys.

00:22:31.000 They keep it.

00:22:32.000 Like, my buddy sold fish back east, and I used to say to him, you don't sell to the Japanese people? 1.00

00:22:35.000 Nope.

00:22:37.000 It's well known at that market where the mafia ran.

00:22:39.000 Oh, really?

00:22:40.000 When you go there in the mornings, you see the Italians, you see the white, the Irish, and the Japanese people because they have different types of fish and what they do with it, I think.

00:22:48.000 I'm sure they have that poison blowfish, right?

00:22:51.000 But they tell you not to eat sushi when?

00:22:53.000 On Mondays and some other day because the fish is old.

00:22:57.000 Oh, really?

00:22:57.000 So they always say the fish order comes Tuesday or something, and Thursday, that's when you get sushi.

00:23:02.000 Don't eat sushi.

00:23:03.000 I don't know.

00:23:03.000 It's sent one day.

00:23:04.000 How long can you keep sushi before it's, like, terrible?

00:23:08.000 If you had to guess.

00:23:09.000 If you buy a big piece of tuna, how long before you have to serve that?

00:23:13.000 I can't imagine it would be very long.

00:23:15.000 Very long, no.

00:23:16.000 Like a few days at the most.

00:23:18.000 I don't trust fish and I don't trust pork a lot of times.

00:23:20.000 You've got to be careful with those two. 0.99

00:23:22.000 Those two, just a little slight in the cooking and you're fucking on the hospital track. 0.80

00:23:26.000 Domestic pork isn't so much anymore, but it used to be for sure. 0.74

00:23:29.000 Freezing fish for 24 hours, allowing it to thaw in the refrigerator, reduce harmful bacteria, making the fish safer.

00:23:35.000 Oh, I see.

00:23:35.000 That's interesting.

00:23:38.000 Oh, this is interesting.

00:23:40.000 Fish for making homemade sushi should be purchased from a seamonger, not a local grocery store.

00:23:47.000 That's interesting.

00:23:48.000 What's a seamonger?

00:23:49.000 A seamonger is a dude who goes and buys it straight off of the boats.

00:23:53.000 And he only has it that day.

00:23:56.000 There's a guy I used to train with in Revere who was a seamonger.

00:23:59.000 He would come and take Taekwondo in my class.

00:24:03.000 And this dude had a truck, and he would drive his truck to the boats and negotiate a price and buy fish and then deliver that fish to restaurants.

00:24:11.000 That was his thing.

00:24:13.000 It's really interesting, man, because we talked about it, and he was telling me what a grind it was.

00:24:20.000 Like, how much work is involved and what he does.

00:24:22.000 I mean, he just works.

00:24:23.000 He was getting up early, early in the morning.

00:24:26.000 Three in the morning, you put an answer.

00:24:27.000 What'd you tell him?

00:24:28.000 You go to, like, 20 restaurants, and you go, listen, I have salmon, I got calamari, and I got yellowtail.

00:24:34.000 Yeah.

00:24:34.000 Right?

00:24:35.000 That's my fucking shit. 1.00

00:24:36.000 Yeah, you pull up in a truck. 1.00

00:24:37.000 Let's say you're a calamari restaurant.

00:24:40.000 Right.

00:24:40.000 And you sell...

00:24:41.000 25 pounds a day of, you know, fry like my, where I grew up, Rudy's.

00:24:45.000 Rudy's is basically a calamar restaurant.

00:24:48.000 People go in, that's the appetizer.

00:24:50.000 They buy 50 pounds a day.

00:24:51.000 They probably got three different guys they go through.

00:24:55.000 Wow.

00:24:55.000 And Chris was one of them.

00:24:57.000 You know, he was Italian, they were Italian, know how to cook it.

00:25:00.000 So he would go over to, he had a great job for years, man.

00:25:04.000 You know what happened?

00:25:05.000 He got smart.

00:25:06.000 And that's what happened.

00:25:07.000 He got smart.

00:25:08.000 When he kept it simple, his was very easy.

00:25:11.000 He went to restaurants.

00:25:12.000 He said, this is what I have really good.

00:25:14.000 And he gave him a card with a phone number.

00:25:17.000 He got up at 3 in the morning.

00:25:19.000 He pressed the machine.

00:25:20.000 And this is Joe from Rogan's.

00:25:22.000 Let me get 25 pounds of calamari and 10 pounds of yellowtail.

00:25:26.000 So all he had to do now is add up.

00:25:29.000 So he would get your 10 pounds of squid, his 20 pounds, his 30, and say, I need 100 pounds of squid.

00:25:35.000 He would go down there and there's people that actually cut a deal for that.

00:25:38.000 You know what?

00:25:39.000 I want this a pound.

00:25:41.000 Take 100 pounds.

00:25:42.000 I'll give it to you for this.

00:25:43.000 His money changed every day.

00:25:46.000 His money changed every day.

00:25:48.000 So once he'd go to the boat, buy it, and then he'd deliver it all, and that was it.

00:25:51.000 No overhead, no real insurance, no freezers, no nothing.

00:25:56.000 Anything he had left over, that's what he went and took home to his family to cook. 0.91

00:26:01.000 What happened was he went partners with a guy, got a freezer, they stocked up on the fucking food, they stocked up on the fish, New York had a power outage. 0.95

00:26:09.000 He lost 60 grand, that was the end of everything. 0.97

00:26:13.000 He lost 60, the partner lost like 80, because they went out and got Gavones and spent all this money on wholesale.

00:26:19.000 You and I both know that's a daily thing.

00:26:21.000 Yeah.

00:26:22.000 That's a daily thing.

00:26:23.000 You've been making a living for 10 years on a daily.

00:26:25.000 Now you want to think about the future and buy a bunch of fish?

00:26:28.000 And that's the night that, like, a week later, the power went out when he moved into his warehouse.

00:26:32.000 Jesus Christ.

00:26:32.000 They had to go in the middle of the night and fish, ice things.

00:26:35.000 You got to take stuff out and ice them.

00:26:37.000 Jesus Christ.

00:26:39.000 Yeah, they didn't have such good insulation back then either.

00:26:42.000 How long is the power out for?

00:26:44.000 Like 12 hours that time in New York.

00:26:46.000 This is like 10 years ago.

00:26:48.000 You know, they have coolers now that keep things like they keep ice for seven days outside.

00:26:55.000 Have you seen these coolers?

00:26:56.000 No.

00:26:57.000 They're crazy.

00:26:58.000 There's a bunch of different really high-end coolers, and most of it was started, at least to my knowledge, by this company called Yeti.

00:27:06.000 And Yeti coolers, they make these outdoor coolers that people use when they go camping or something like that, and they're real thick. 0.99

00:27:13.000 And you put ice in those fucking things. 0.99

00:27:15.000 You close the lid, open that lid in seven days, there's going to be ice in there. 1.00

00:27:20.000 It's crazy.

00:27:21.000 The insulation properties of these things are nuts.

00:27:24.000 They have a seal.

00:27:25.000 You pull down these rubber straps to seal it in.

00:27:28.000 They're not cheap. 0.99

00:27:29.000 They're fucking heavy as shit, too. 1.00

00:27:31.000 They're really heavy. 1.00

00:27:32.000 Most coolers are really light.

00:27:34.000 These things are not light. 0.99

00:27:35.000 You want your ice to fucking save for seven days. 0.99

00:27:37.000 They're crazy, though. 0.99

00:27:38.000 It's crazy what they can do.

00:27:40.000 They somehow or another figured out some insulation method that retains cold for a long time. 1.00

00:27:47.000 But they didn't have that shit in the 70s. 0.99

00:27:50.000 Imagine the ice house in Pasadena. 1.00

00:27:52.000 It used to be an ice house. 0.99

00:27:54.000 It used to be a place where they would deliver ice and you would go and get a chunk of that shit for your ice box. 0.98

00:28:00.000 You would have an ice box in your refrigerator and that's where you keep your milk and whatever you're going to eat that day. 0.99

00:28:05.000 But you went to the market every day.

00:28:06.000 For ice?

00:28:07.000 Yeah.

00:28:08.000 You went to the market for ice.

00:28:09.000 Maybe ice every few days.

00:28:11.000 But you went to the market every day for food.

00:28:13.000 You didn't just have...

00:28:17.000 Like a refrigerator you open up, pull out packages of meat, packages of chicken.

00:28:22.000 Nobody did that.

00:28:23.000 This is really rare.

00:28:25.000 When there was no refrigeration, think about that.

00:28:28.000 That's not that long ago.

00:28:30.000 For most of human history, there's been no refrigeration.

00:28:33.000 That's why people used to go to war for salt, Joey.

00:28:37.000 They used to go to war for salt.

00:28:39.000 Because salt was how you could keep your food fresh.

00:28:42.000 You'd have to take a piece of meat and cover it with salt.

00:28:46.000 Cover it completely.

00:28:47.000 And that would keep bacteria from growing on it.

00:28:51.000 That's how they took care of their meat. 0.99

00:28:53.000 That's like they would salt their fish when they would go to sea.

00:28:57.000 Salt would be so valuable.

00:28:59.000 It's like there were salt wars in the world. 0.99

00:29:03.000 For fucking salt, which is worth nothing now. 1.00

00:29:05.000 Just crazy. 1.00

00:29:06.000 Like, if you went all in on salt back then, you're like, dude, people are going to war for this shit. 1.00

00:29:10.000 And then today, you went to a fucking diner, and they have little packets. 1.00

00:29:14.000 You could just take them. 0.99

00:29:15.000 Like, you could take them, go to In-N-Out Burger.

00:29:16.000 There's a whole box?

00:29:17.000 How much can I take?

00:29:18.000 You could take as many as you want.

00:29:19.000 You could take as much salt as you want? 1.00

00:29:21.000 What are you, fucking crazy? 1.00

00:29:22.000 You'd call your Viking friends, they're giving salt away at the burger place! 1.00

00:29:27.000 You would just come in there and steal all the salt.

00:29:29.000 Salt back then, you'd kill people for salt.

00:29:33.000 Because that's how people, like, it would allow you to keep food longer, which is insane.

00:29:39.000 Like, that was like, imagine going to war for refrigerators.

00:29:42.000 You know, if, like, Japan had the refrigerators and we didn't, and there was a war to try to get refrigerators because it's the only way you keep your food longer.

00:29:51.000 That's literally what people were doing.

00:29:53.000 They were going to war for salt.

00:29:54.000 When you watch the honeymooners, they drain their refrigerator.

00:29:58.000 Now I figured out why.

00:29:59.000 Yeah, it was an ice cube.

00:30:00.000 She would pick the thing up and drain it in the honeymooners, and that's why. 1.00

00:30:03.000 They probably put an ice cube in there, they close it.

00:30:06.000 Yeah.

00:30:06.000 That's how they do it.

00:30:07.000 Well, the honeymooners, though, was electrical, so they probably did have refrigerators, but a lot of those things would freeze up.

00:30:12.000 The ice boxes, you'd have to defrost them.

00:30:15.000 Do you remember that?

00:30:16.000 Yes. 0.99

00:30:17.000 They would fucking... 1.00

00:30:19.000 They would freeze. 1.00

00:30:19.000 Your freezer would literally be like... 1.00

00:30:21.000 The inside of it would be like... 1.00

00:30:23.000 Like a fucking ice cave. 1.00

00:30:25.000 Yeah, like a Yeti's ice cave in a monster movie. 1.00

00:30:28.000 And now you have freezer-less freezers.

00:30:31.000 They call them something.

00:30:32.000 Your freezers don't...

00:30:33.000 Iceless freezers or something.

00:30:35.000 You don't have to defrost them. 0.99

00:30:37.000 But we used to chip at them with a fucking screwdriver. 0.99

00:30:39.000 Yeah, you had to go in there and fucking hit with the hammer. 0.99

00:30:41.000 Yeah, you remember that? 0.99

00:30:41.000 You know when I was a kid, I used to use my air conditioner year-round. 0.99

00:30:45.000 Like my mom used to go, are you fucking crazy? 0.98

00:30:48.000 I'd put the air conditioner in my room year round and it would get a brick of ice on it. 1.00

00:30:54.000 I'd have to...

00:30:54.000 Wow.

00:30:56.000 That's what happens when you put it on the winter.

00:30:57.000 I guess the inside would freeze. 0.98

00:30:59.000 I'd have to fucking turn it off and let it come down a little bit. 0.99

00:31:02.000 The inside would fucking freeze. 0.99

00:31:05.000 Remember those old school heaters that would make noise when they were starting up, like clink, clink, clink, clink? 0.98

00:31:11.000 Those radiator heaters?

00:31:13.000 You would hear them, they'd go tap, [... 0.99

00:31:17.000 It was this hot fucking chunk of metal in your house. 0.97

00:31:21.000 And if you leaned on it, it would sear your skin like a George Foreman grill. 1.00

00:31:26.000 And that's how you kept your fucking house warm. 1.00

00:31:28.000 Remember those goddamn things? 1.00

00:31:31.000 Those are ridiculous. 1.00

00:31:32.000 Those metal things? 0.99

00:31:33.000 Yes! 1.00

00:31:33.000 You ever pick one of those motherfuckers up? 1.00

00:31:35.000 Giant fucking heavy things! 1.00

00:31:37.000 Those radiators, man. 1.00

00:31:39.000 Those water heaters.

00:31:41.000 Hot water would go through them and they would heat up.

00:31:43.000 And that's what you use to keep your house warm. 0.95

00:31:46.000 Those things were ridiculous. 0.97

00:31:48.000 And you put a box over them. 1.00

00:31:49.000 And even if you sat on the box by mistake, you'd fucking burn. 0.99

00:31:53.000 Yeah, and the only thing warm in your fucking house at all would be like within 15 feet of that thing. 0.97

00:31:57.000 And they always put them under the window. 0.98

00:32:00.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:32:01.000 They would put the heater under the fucking window. 0.99

00:32:03.000 Like, I never figured that out. 0.99

00:32:04.000 So you'd stand there and get burnt, but there was like a draft or some shit. 0.98

00:32:08.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:32:08.000 They didn't have anywhere else to put it. 0.98

00:32:10.000 You couldn't put it in the middle of the room. 0.99

00:32:11.000 I forgot all about those metal fucking things. 0.99

00:32:13.000 You know, you get like a house, like the last house I had in Studio City had no fucking heat. 0.99

00:32:18.000 What? 0.99

00:32:18.000 When they built it, it had no fucking heat. 0.99

00:32:21.000 Because they didn't think people in California needed heat? 0.99

00:32:23.000 No.

00:32:23.000 Those Burbank houses, those old houses, they didn't have heat.

00:32:26.000 Or they put a little box, like you're only going to use it.

00:32:28.000 Let me tell you something.

00:32:29.000 When you come out of the shower, you need heat, Jack. 1.00

00:32:31.000 I don't give a fuck who you are. 1.00

00:32:33.000 When you come out of that shower and you turn that water off, you need heat. 0.99

00:32:37.000 That's a trick they do in Topanga Canyon.

00:32:39.000 There's a lot of houses in Topanga Canyon that don't have air conditioning.

00:32:42.000 Like, you don't need it.

00:32:43.000 Maybe you need it one or two days a year. 1.00

00:32:45.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:32:46.000 I don't live off that breeze. 1.00

00:32:48.000 People in Venice will invite you over. 1.00

00:32:51.000 Meanwhile, you're fucking melting there. 1.00

00:32:53.000 Sweat's coming out of you. 0.99

00:32:54.000 And they're like, we don't have air.

00:32:56.000 We leave the windows open. 1.00

00:32:57.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:32:59.000 You should have told me this on the invite. 1.00

00:33:01.000 I wouldn't have came.

00:33:02.000 We have no air. 1.00

00:33:03.000 We live by the fucking... 1.00

00:33:05.000 I want air. 1.00

00:33:06.000 I gotta have something.

00:33:07.000 You gotta hit me with something.

00:33:08.000 Some people like to have like a thin sheen of perspiration on them all the time.

00:33:12.000 No, man.

00:33:13.000 Shiny.

00:33:13.000 You gotta have a little bit of air, something to just...

00:33:15.000 Something.

00:33:16.000 I don't want my hands to freeze or nothing.

00:33:18.000 I know what you mean, man.

00:33:19.000 I agree with you 100%. 1.00

00:33:20.000 You know, that shit works in Colorado. 1.00

00:33:22.000 Like, when I live in Colorado, you do leave your window open one inch, and your house will fucking freeze to death in the winter. 1.00

00:33:29.000 Just one inch. 1.00

00:33:30.000 That shit don't happen here. 1.00

00:33:31.000 That never happened here. 0.99

00:33:33.000 I'm always fucking warm here, and these people who say, well, the breeze dries you, don't fucking do nothing for me. 0.93

00:33:40.000 Well, it's nice sometimes, but if it's 98 degrees in Balibu... 1.00

00:33:44.000 No, you got dick! 1.00

00:33:45.000 Yeah, you're fucked. 1.00

00:33:46.000 You got dick! 1.00

00:33:46.000 And that happens. 1.00

00:33:47.000 That happens.

00:33:48.000 I mean, it only happens a couple days a year, but it happens.

00:33:50.000 But it happens the day you invite me over to the house to watch the fights or something. 1.00

00:33:54.000 And that's the day I go fucking ape shit. 0.99

00:33:56.000 It just seems like, why would you have such a big, nice house and not have air conditioning? 0.99

00:34:00.000 Like, I've seen people's houses, they're like, this is a nice house, man.

00:34:03.000 You got a great house.

00:34:04.000 But you don't have air conditioning.

00:34:07.000 Is it a money thing?

00:34:09.000 Is it an environment thing? 1.00

00:34:10.000 No, they want to be different and break my balls. 0.99

00:34:11.000 They want to be different. 0.99

00:34:12.000 That's what they want to do.

00:34:13.000 They want to be different.

00:34:14.000 Oh my god, we don't live off air.

00:34:16.000 And then they start making excuses for air.

00:34:18.000 Well, the something factor in there raises your character. 0.99

00:34:22.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.98

00:34:23.000 I just want to be comfortable a little bit. 1.00

00:34:25.000 Is air conditioning bad for you?

00:34:27.000 I've never heard air conditioning is bad for you.

00:34:29.000 Well, these people will find something bad for it.

00:34:32.000 There's certain people that find something bad for it.

00:34:35.000 I can't get a tattoo, Joe, because I can't see needles.

00:34:39.000 But I'll tell you that off the bat.

00:34:41.000 There's people that'll say they hate tattoos.

00:34:44.000 Why do you hate?

00:34:44.000 I just hate tattoos.

00:34:45.000 No, you don't hate tattoos. 1.00

00:34:46.000 You can't see fucking blood. 0.99

00:34:47.000 See, you can't get a tattoo. 1.00

00:34:49.000 That's why you hate them. 1.00

00:34:50.000 I just hate fucking needles. 1.00

00:34:51.000 When I went to the doctor yesterday, she goes to me, all right, so I'm going to give you this steroid. 1.00

00:34:56.000 I'm going to give you this for your ears.

00:34:58.000 She goes, I'm going to give you a shot.

00:34:59.000 And then she goes, no, I'm not.

00:35:02.000 And she goes, I remember the surgery. 1.00

00:35:04.000 You're a fucking nightmare with needles and shit. 1.00

00:35:07.000 When it comes to all that, they couldn't find the vein, the surgery. 1.00

00:35:10.000 That's a fucking nightmare. 0.99

00:35:12.000 Three plugs, it drove me. 1.00

00:35:13.000 I was ready to go home.

00:35:14.000 Listen, if you don't find the vein this time, we go home.

00:35:16.000 Really?

00:35:17.000 Yeah, I'm done. 1.00

00:35:18.000 You poked me three fucking times every time I faint. 0.99

00:35:21.000 Let's do the wrist. 1.00

00:35:21.000 Look at these fucking veins in here. 1.00

00:35:23.000 Finally, she found the vein in my hand. 1.00

00:35:25.000 Look at that.

00:35:26.000 There's veins right there. 1.00

00:35:28.000 I hate all that shit. 1.00

00:35:29.000 Needles, blood. 1.00

00:35:30.000 As soon as I walk into the doctor, he checks my blood pressure.

00:35:33.000 Before I walk into a doctor, I could be 130 over 80. I walk into a doctor's office, it shoots up to 190 over fucking 130. Yeah, we always look at people who do drugs intravenously like, that's next level. 0.98

00:35:48.000 That's next level.

00:35:49.000 You're shooting it up like you're...

00:35:51.000 You're opening your vein with a piece of metal?

00:35:54.000 And you're injecting some liquid in there?

00:35:57.000 Ooh.

00:35:58.000 That's deep.

00:36:00.000 Like you just threw all protocol out the window.

00:36:04.000 That's why if you ever hear about someone who's like, ah, he does coke.

00:36:08.000 When someone says, this guy does a lot of coke, I put him in this category.

00:36:11.000 Someone goes, that guy smokes a lot of weed.

00:36:13.000 Put him in that category.

00:36:15.000 Someone goes, he shoots heroin. 1.00

00:36:16.000 I go, oh, this motherfucker goes over here. 1.00

00:36:19.000 This is a different category. 1.00

00:36:21.000 Let's slow something down.

00:36:22.000 You know how much pain I had in my heart the first time I had to put something in my nose?

00:36:26.000 How much?

00:36:27.000 It's not a good feeling.

00:36:29.000 It's not a good feeling. 0.99

00:36:30.000 I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. 0.99

00:36:32.000 I think about it now. 1.00

00:36:33.000 It's horrible.

00:36:34.000 You just made a big leap.

00:36:36.000 To being a guy who does coke.

00:36:38.000 The first time I put something in my nose, it wasn't coke.

00:36:40.000 What was it?

00:36:41.000 It was angel dust.

00:36:42.000 It was THC crystal.

00:36:43.000 Jesus Christ.

00:36:44.000 You know, they called it THC crystal.

00:36:47.000 THC? Crystal.

00:36:47.000 That's what they called it.

00:36:48.000 But they didn't call it THC like pot crystal.

00:36:50.000 No, what you did in those days was there was a thing that you took a bunch of stems.

00:36:55.000 You took a pound of stems.

00:36:57.000 You got a pound of weed, you took those stems, you put them in a little bit of water, and you boil it.

00:37:02.000 The powder that goes to the end of the thing, they would scrape that up, mix it with some cutter, and then you could snort that.

00:37:10.000 That was the beginning.

00:37:11.000 So that was okay.

00:37:13.000 Okay, some TAC crystal.

00:37:14.000 So what does that do for you?

00:37:16.000 What does it feel like?

00:37:16.000 Does it feel like edibles?

00:37:17.000 Feels like you smoke, yeah.

00:37:18.000 Feels like an edible. 1.00

00:37:19.000 But they got hip, and they started putting angel dust and gorilla tranquilizers, you know, fucking donkey fucking pills. 1.00

00:37:28.000 And next thing you know, I mean, I had a great time doing that shit. 1.00

00:37:32.000 I'm not going to lie to you. 1.00

00:37:33.000 I loved doing that crystal shit. 0.99

00:37:34.000 Yeah? 1.00

00:37:35.000 Loved it.

00:37:36.000 So this is the snorting.

00:37:37.000 I never heard about that.

00:37:38.000 Snorting or smoking.

00:37:39.000 Snorting or smoking.

00:37:41.000 Essentially edible cannabis.

00:37:43.000 But it wasn't no edible cannabis.

00:37:45.000 It's totally different.

00:37:46.000 It was Gorilla Biscuits.

00:37:48.000 All right?

00:37:49.000 So you had two choices.

00:37:50.000 You could either go down to like a place and buy.

00:37:52.000 But for $10, you got three lines.

00:37:55.000 When you're 16 and 15, each line is $3.

00:37:59.000 Each line, we're high for 12 hours.

00:38:02.000 Wow. 1.00

00:38:02.000 Fucking gone. 1.00

00:38:03.000 12 hours? 1.00

00:38:04.000 Gone.

00:38:05.000 Eight hours of heavy-duty, like, you're lost.

00:38:08.000 Well, it's hard to tell now because your tolerance is so high.

00:38:11.000 But if you had to compare it to, like, an edible, it's like a 200 milligram?

00:38:14.000 Gone.

00:38:15.000 Gone compared to an edible.

00:38:16.000 500 milligrams.

00:38:17.000 Gone.

00:38:18.000 Gone.

00:38:18.000 No, no, no.

00:38:19.000 Not even choose.

00:38:20.000 It's just a different area. 0.99

00:38:21.000 It's like taking something that you actually go to a different fucking realm. 0.69

00:38:26.000 It's not like doing an edible, like I've done some edibles and I've gone to different realms, don't get me wrong. 0.95

00:38:31.000 But first couple times you do THC, like one time I went, I graduated high school.

00:38:36.000 This is the tail end of my crystal career.

00:38:39.000 I wasn't even doing it at the time.

00:38:41.000 Yeah, because I did crystal tea from, I was probably 15, maybe 14 and a half to up to the point my mother died.

00:38:49.000 Then cocaine took over. 1.00

00:38:52.000 Then cocaine just said, fuck all that shit. 1.00

00:38:54.000 There was no more acid. 1.00

00:38:55.000 Cocaine came in that heavy in 1980. So before 1980, you were doing the pills and you were doing the fucking THC crystals and all that shit. 0.99

00:39:06.000 But after the cocaine just swamped it. 0.99

00:39:08.000 So in 82, I graduated.

00:39:10.000 I was working the city for this bookie.

00:39:13.000 And I went over one day, and they go, listen, we're not going to do the horses today.

00:39:17.000 My dad can't come if you want to hang out for the afternoon. 0.98

00:39:20.000 So I said, fuck it, I'll just take the day off. 0.99

00:39:22.000 And I'll never forget this. 1.00

00:39:23.000 I went walking, and I saw some girl.

00:39:25.000 And I was walking into one of those spots to get reefer.

00:39:29.000 I was going to get weed.

00:39:30.000 My day was over, let me get weed, and I don't have to come back tonight from Jersey.

00:39:34.000 And some black girl came up to me. 1.00

00:39:36.000 It had to be 10 in the morning.

00:39:37.000 And she goes, you want to split a tray? 0.99

00:39:40.000 I said, sure.

00:39:41.000 A tray was a $3 bag of angel dust.

00:39:45.000 So you opened it up, and it was just a little line, and you took it and sprinkled it on your joint.

00:39:50.000 They sold it right there at the reefer spot.

00:39:53.000 Whoa.

00:39:54.000 And you would roll it and smoke it, and I smoked that with her at 10. At 8 o'clock at night, I remember taking a bus over from being with her and going, I'm still fucked up. 0.98

00:40:04.000 Like, now I can talk.

00:40:07.000 But you know, at the end of the day, because we smoked it, and then we just sat there and talked all day.

00:40:12.000 And three hours in, she told me she was pregnant.

00:40:15.000 Whoa.

00:40:16.000 And that's when I go pregnant, and she opened up her jacket, and I could see her belly. 0.97

00:40:19.000 Whoa.

00:40:20.000 I didn't know before that.

00:40:21.000 I never forgot that.

00:40:22.000 Oh, no.

00:40:22.000 I never forgot that.

00:40:24.000 But I remember going over the fucking bridge and going to a bar and going, if I'm still fucked up at 9 o'clock at night, what are her and that baby like? 1.00

00:40:37.000 That's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:40:39.000 That is fucking crazy. 1.00

00:40:42.000 Wow. 1.00

00:40:43.000 We just went to a park and sat there and talked and read the daily news and the fucked up weather. 0.97

00:40:50.000 I don't know if we went to eat. 0.93

00:40:51.000 I don't remember what we did.

00:40:52.000 We didn't have sex.

00:40:53.000 Nothing like that happened.

00:40:54.000 We just hung out all day. 1.00

00:40:55.000 We were that fucked up. 1.00

00:40:56.000 That's the crazy thing about being born. 1.00

00:40:59.000 You can't pick your parents. 1.00

00:41:01.000 That kid just got a shit roll of the dice. 1.00

00:41:06.000 Mom's doing angel dust. 1.00

00:41:09.000 Damn. 0.99

00:41:10.000 Anybody that gets, like, loses their perspective, that's a real perspective enhancer right there. 0.99

00:41:18.000 That idea.

00:41:19.000 That poor kid.

00:41:21.000 And that poor girl. 1.00

00:41:22.000 That she's so fucked up. 1.00

00:41:24.000 Whatever happened to her led her to become that kind of person and takes angel dust while she's pregnant. 1.00

00:41:30.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:41:32.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:41:33.000 So weird.

00:41:36.000 Like, we know things are bad for us, but the feeling it gives you feels so good, you won't want to do bad things to yourself.

00:41:45.000 It's this little trick.

00:41:46.000 It's like this bad thing to you that's piggybacked on a good time.

00:41:52.000 It's like, it gives you a good time.

00:41:53.000 It's like, I'll give you a good time if you let me poison you.

00:41:56.000 How much of a good time?

00:41:57.000 Oh, you're going to remember a lot of fun times. 0.98

00:42:00.000 I'm going to poison you, though. 0.95

00:42:02.000 Okay? 0.99

00:42:03.000 You're like, okay, okay, okay.

00:42:04.000 I mean, I'll get off it eventually.

00:42:06.000 Oh, yeah!

00:42:07.000 You'll get off of it for sure.

00:42:09.000 I'm going to give you a good time.

00:42:10.000 And it just latches ahold of you and poisons you when you let it.

00:42:14.000 But how many poisons are there, Joe, from McDonald's to steroids?

00:42:17.000 Yep. 1.00

00:42:18.000 I mean, how many fucking... 0.99

00:42:20.000 Booze? 1.00

00:42:20.000 You want me to tell you what the worst poison I've ever done is? 1.00

00:42:22.000 Yeah.

00:42:23.000 The worst.

00:42:24.000 Right now.

00:42:24.000 Cigarettes.

00:42:25.000 Really?

00:42:26.000 When I shot that special, I was smoking reefer outside, and I didn't want to smell like reefer when I went in.

00:42:31.000 There was a cop.

00:42:32.000 And I took a cigarette from somebody, like a light, and I just took two hits off it.

00:42:37.000 I felt it the next day.

00:42:40.000 Really?

00:42:40.000 Like, I'm like, this is hard.

00:42:42.000 When you don't smoke for a long time... 1.00

00:42:44.000 And then you smoke, you're like, oh shit. 1.00

00:42:47.000 Because I tell you what, Joe. 1.00

00:42:48.000 I live on the deep end from time to time.

00:42:51.000 I'll have a Dewa's and ginger ale on a flight somewhere.

00:42:55.000 You know? 0.96

00:42:56.000 An alcohol drink doesn't fucking run with me for 12 hours, bro. 0.98

00:43:01.000 I don't drink alcohol like everybody else. 0.93

00:43:02.000 You've never been a big drinker.

00:43:03.000 No, but I like it.

00:43:04.000 I like the taste of Dewars and ginger ale. 0.99

00:43:06.000 I like an Irish cream on the rocks, whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

00:43:10.000 You know, I came in before, I was early, and I was looking through your whiskey thing, that Jack Daniels of Sinatra. 0.99

00:43:16.000 That smells fucking tremendous. 0.97

00:43:17.000 Wanna do a drink? 1.00

00:43:18.000 Not in a million fucking years! 0.99

00:43:20.000 A drink affects me completely different than it affects anybody. 0.99

00:43:23.000 I drink one of those, I can't drive home.

00:43:25.000 I gotta sleep in here.

00:43:26.000 Really?

00:43:27.000 I can't.

00:43:27.000 I cannot drink and drive.

00:43:29.000 It's against always. 0.98

00:43:31.000 I always fucked me up like they're watching me.

00:43:33.000 Maybe that's why you don't like booze. 0.92

00:43:34.000 It's like it has a stronger effect on you, maybe.

00:43:36.000 No, I don't like booze because I grew up in a bar and saw the difference.

00:43:39.000 You know, you and I have a common knowledge that I talked about the other day.

00:43:43.000 I'm at a point in my life I can't take drunk people.

00:43:46.000 But I'm going to be honest with you.

00:43:47.000 I couldn't take drunk people when I was 20. I was just drunk and doing drugs, so I understood them.

00:43:52.000 Now, when somebody comes up to me drunk, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 0.99

00:43:56.000 It's a hard time when you're sober and they're drunk and they're insistent on talking. 0.97

00:44:01.000 Because you're in two different frequencies and their frequency is very awkward to you.

00:44:05.000 And they don't realize that they're being awkward because they're drunk.

00:44:08.000 You know, it's part of the problem.

00:44:10.000 So some people are great drunks.

00:44:12.000 Some people, you know, they'll have a few drinks and you never notice a thing.

00:44:15.000 They're just happy, having fun.

00:44:17.000 Brian Callen's a good example of that.

00:44:19.000 You ever see Brian Callen drunk?

00:44:20.000 No.

00:44:20.000 Even when he's drunk.

00:44:21.000 He's just Brian Callen drunk.

00:44:23.000 You know, he's just having fun. 0.99

00:44:25.000 He's being silly. 0.96

00:44:28.000 He maintains his character. 0.99

00:44:30.000 Some people don't.

00:44:32.000 And there's certain people that they get drunk and you have to talk to them.

00:44:36.000 If you're sober and they're drunk, it's like, wow, this is getting nowhere.

00:44:40.000 It's brutal.

00:44:41.000 Yeah, they just don't get it.

00:44:44.000 They don't understand that they're drunk.

00:44:45.000 That's the big problem with being drunk is you know you're drunk, but you don't really know how you sound to sober people. 0.51

00:44:54.000 There's just no way, no way you totally know how goofy you look.

00:45:00.000 If everybody's drunk, you're fine. 1.00

00:45:02.000 But if like one person's sober, you're like, oh, this is so stupid. 1.00

00:45:06.000 Yeah, but I realized how fucking shitty I felt the next day. 0.99

00:45:10.000 Half a cigarette, like three pups, I threw it away. 0.99

00:45:14.000 Like the next day I could feel it in my body, I could still taste it. 0.99

00:45:18.000 But while you're doing it, you have no fucking idea. 1.00

00:45:21.000 While you're doing all that shit, how bad is coke for you? 1.00

00:45:24.000 It's your central nervous system. 1.00

00:45:26.000 While you're doing it, you don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:45:28.000 Heroin, Jesus Christ, it gets to your bones. 0.99

00:45:31.000 Yeah, I remember you saying that.

00:45:33.000 That was a great way that you described it.

00:45:35.000 You're like, Joe Rogan, it's in your bones.

00:45:38.000 When you talk to an addict and say to him, how come you can't get off?

00:45:42.000 They'll say to you, man, there's a pain, the withdrawal from heroin, even the Oxycontin and those pills, that's synthetic heroin.

00:45:49.000 They get to your bones, bro.

00:45:51.000 Your bones start to hurt.

00:45:52.000 You know, I've spoken to different people.

00:45:54.000 I never went through that with any drug, but I've spoken to people off of heroin.

00:46:00.000 They kick heroin.

00:46:01.000 It's a horror show. 1.00

00:46:02.000 It's a fucking week-long horror show of puking and the other convulsions. 1.00

00:46:08.000 That's what you eat. 1.00

00:46:10.000 And that...

00:46:11.000 I can't...

00:46:12.000 I didn't do...

00:46:13.000 I did heroin, but I snorted. 0.99

00:46:15.000 The first time I fucking put that powder in my nose, it fucked with me for a while. 0.99

00:46:21.000 But I just put it in the back... 0.99

00:46:22.000 You just put it in the back file.

00:46:24.000 And then doing coke was another complete horror show for me because I didn't mind doing drugs.

00:46:30.000 I just never wanted to do coke.

00:46:32.000 When I did coke, that was it. 0.97

00:46:34.000 It's like the first time I missed a fucking credit, but the first time I could make a credit card payment when I got divorced, it ruined me because it was against my principal who I was. 1.00

00:46:43.000 You always pay your fucking debts, you know? 0.99

00:46:47.000 So if you're doing coke, you feel in yourself like, wow, I'm letting myself down. 1.00

00:46:52.000 Yeah, once you put something up your fucking nose, you smacked yourself in the face at that point. 1.00

00:46:57.000 Never mind shooting something in your vein. 1.00

00:47:00.000 That is a complete... 0.76

00:47:02.000 Yeah, that's the next level, right?

00:47:03.000 That's, you know, I had a friend for years that was hooked on it.

00:47:06.000 I'd come into his house on Monday mornings.

00:47:09.000 There'd be blood splatters on the walls from him missing the vein.

00:47:14.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:47:16.000 He would buy a hundred dollars worth of heroin and eight ball of coke.

00:47:19.000 He was doing a Belushi all weekend.

00:47:21.000 Oh my god.

00:47:22.000 He would Belushi it all weekend.

00:47:24.000 That's speedball, right?

00:47:25.000 That's like the coke and the heroin together and it creates some sort of a weird effect. 0.99

00:47:32.000 It creates fucking a tornado in your brain. 1.00

00:47:36.000 You just pass the fuck out. 1.00

00:47:38.000 You know, this guy would be clean from Monday. 0.99

00:47:41.000 He was brilliant from Monday to Friday.

00:47:43.000 He could keep it together.

00:47:45.000 I think Thursday night he would break down and do a little, like, a little sniff just to keep them together during the week.

00:47:52.000 But once Friday came, you wouldn't see him till Monday morning.

00:47:56.000 And during the week, you would massage his veins.

00:48:00.000 I gotta massage him. 0.99

00:48:01.000 I gotta get him going for the weekend and shit. 1.00

00:48:03.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:48:05.000 Oh my God.

00:48:07.000 And then he would switch.

00:48:08.000 Like, how can you go from your arm to your toe?

00:48:11.000 I guess you have to.

00:48:12.000 Like, I can't find a vein, Joe.

00:48:13.000 Hold on. 1.00

00:48:13.000 Let me take my shoe off and fucking shoot my toe. 1.00

00:48:16.000 It's just the first guy I ever had friends with that did steroids. 0.99

00:48:21.000 That was one of the most interesting nights of my life.

00:48:23.000 We were doing coke.

00:48:25.000 In the middle of everything, he just took off his shirt and started doing push-ups.

00:48:29.000 And then he got up and he goes, look at me.

00:48:31.000 What's different?

00:48:31.000 I go, what are you lifting?

00:48:32.000 And he goes, no, I started doing steroids.

00:48:34.000 And he started breaking it down to me.

00:48:36.000 He was getting an addiction to steroids.

00:48:39.000 Because he was going there every week and just shooting.

00:48:42.000 Then he just went off a cycle.

00:48:44.000 Then he just stopped breaking it up.

00:48:46.000 He just was on a cycle year-round.

00:48:48.000 Wow. 1.00

00:48:49.000 But he was addicted to the needle going in his ass, and then he would shoot it with vitamin B. And he would tell me he could taste the vitamin B in his mouth and shit. 1.00

00:48:58.000 Are you fucking... 1.00

00:48:58.000 When you shoot coke, you can taste it in your mouth. 1.00

00:49:01.000 Are you fucking... 1.00

00:49:03.000 So, bam, you shoot it. 1.00

00:49:05.000 Now, shooting coke, how much different is that supposed to be than snorting it? 0.77

00:49:10.000 I have no idea.

00:49:11.000 But what about the people that do?

00:49:12.000 I mean, it must be something crazy, right?

00:49:14.000 Birds of a feather flock together.

00:49:16.000 I snorted.

00:49:16.000 I hung out with snorters.

00:49:18.000 Once they talked about needles, that's when I go home.

00:49:20.000 Once I see a needle, I go home. 0.99

00:49:21.000 I don't sit in a room where there's a fucking needle because I can't sit still. 0.99

00:49:25.000 Once I see that syringe, you don't want me around. 0.99

00:49:28.000 I don't want to be there.

00:49:30.000 I went to CVS a month ago, and they had syringes there. 0.97

00:49:33.000 They give you free syringes and I almost fucking died. 0.94

00:49:36.000 I don't like them empty. 0.98

00:49:37.000 I don't like them full.

00:49:38.000 I don't like to see them...

00:49:39.000 Those people that carry the fixes with them, they call them a fix.

00:49:44.000 Oh, like a kit?

00:49:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:49:45.000 And they have the spoon and the syringe and the fucking... 0.99

00:49:47.000 The lighter and the needle and their gear, right? 0.99

00:49:50.000 Isn't that what they call it?

00:49:51.000 The gear.

00:49:52.000 I would ask him, like, so when you go over there, how do you shoot it?

00:49:55.000 And he goes, we all stand around.

00:49:57.000 And we all passed the needle. 0.99

00:49:59.000 This is 82 when you could pass a needle from one guy to the other and shoot D-ball and fucking Decker and these guys would shoot. 0.99

00:50:10.000 One needle to another. 0.99

00:50:12.000 Then filling it with vitamin B and shooting it.

00:50:15.000 They would go, why are we gonna, you know, because I guess, I don't know how the needle works.

00:50:18.000 If you keep shooting, it gets dull.

00:50:20.000 Yeah, it gets dull.

00:50:21.000 So they would just take one needle and pass it with the nine guys.

00:50:24.000 Jamming into each other.

00:50:25.000 Just jamming into each other. 1.00

00:50:26.000 The first thing you got was Hepatitis C. That's the first thing you got from that shit. 1.00

00:50:31.000 That's just a... 1.00

00:50:31.000 Now, you get Hepatitis C if you jam a needle into you that's been jammed into someone with Hepatitis C, right? 1.00

00:50:37.000 I think so.

00:50:38.000 But you get it from sexual transmission also, correct?

00:50:40.000 Right.

00:50:41.000 Have you ever thought about that?

00:50:42.000 Like, I've thought about that before.

00:50:45.000 Like, herpes or, you know, anything.

00:50:48.000 Uh...

00:50:50.000 Warts.

00:50:51.000 There had to be an original case.

00:50:54.000 Like, there had to be one person that developed this.

00:50:58.000 Like, how does that develop?

00:50:59.000 I've always been curious. 0.98

00:51:00.000 Like, how the fuck does something like a herpes develop? 0.91

00:51:03.000 At one point in time, no one has herpes. 0.99

00:51:05.000 You had syphilis.

00:51:06.000 And you blow a guy with, like, Spanish syphilis, and it becomes the herp. 0.99

00:51:10.000 They get together and collide.

00:51:12.000 Yeah, that's what happens.

00:51:13.000 They get worse and worse.

00:51:15.000 You know, like right now, supposedly, all these diseases, they disappear for a while, then they make a comeback.

00:51:21.000 Yeah.

00:51:21.000 Something was popular last year again.

00:51:23.000 Measles.

00:51:24.000 Was it?

00:51:25.000 No, no, no, sexually.

00:51:26.000 Oh.

00:51:26.000 Something came back last year that was popular 10 years ago.

00:51:30.000 It came back.

00:51:30.000 I don't know which one it was.

00:51:32.000 Gonorrhea or something like that.

00:51:33.000 Like, I got something.

00:51:35.000 Like, I've always had something.

00:51:36.000 You've got something right now?

00:51:37.000 Yeah, I've had it for years.

00:51:39.000 Because at night I get itchy. 0.99

00:51:40.000 I don't know what the fuck it is. 1.00

00:51:41.000 As soon as I lay down in bed, I get itchy as a motherfucker. 1.00

00:51:45.000 Imagine if you have a long-running colony of crabs that just camped out in your sack. 0.99

00:51:49.000 No, but when I took a blood test years ago, they were like, did you have something?

00:51:53.000 I had something.

00:51:54.000 And I go, I don't know.

00:52:02.000 And they go, you must have had something because you got the tail end.

00:52:04.000 I had something like when I first moved to LA, I had something.

00:52:07.000 All those years in the road, you're gonna get something.

00:52:09.000 Now, if you don't take antibiotics, if you get something like syphilis is what killed Al Capone, right?

00:52:16.000 Like what happens if like other ones, like gonorrhea, does gonorrhea kill you?

00:52:20.000 I don't know.

00:52:20.000 Or do you just get better?

00:52:21.000 I don't know.

00:52:21.000 If you had to guess.

00:52:23.000 I think eventually something's gotta happen to you.

00:52:26.000 Can gonorrhea be fatal and can you recover with no medication, Jamie?

00:52:32.000 If you just do the Wim Hof method.

00:52:34.000 What's a Wim Hof?

00:52:36.000 Breathing.

00:52:37.000 Just...

00:52:37.000 Just try to power through the gonorrhea.

00:52:47.000 I don't know.

00:52:48.000 Syphilis kills you.

00:52:49.000 I'm pretty sure syphilis kills everybody that gets it.

00:52:51.000 What's VD? Venereal disease.

00:52:54.000 But that covers everything.

00:52:55.000 Well, it's weird because venereal doesn't sound like sex.

00:52:59.000 But that's what VD is. 0.90

00:53:00.000 You know, VD is a sexual transmitted disease. 0.61

00:53:03.000 When you think about someone having VD. When I was about 17, my friend fucked his sister's best friend, and he got something. 1.00

00:53:09.000 He got VD. He got VD, and we went there the next day, and there was a chick with, like, fucking, like, a Phantom of the Opera mark on her face. 1.00

00:53:18.000 Dog, it was fucking crazy. 0.99

00:53:20.000 What was the mark on her face? 0.99

00:53:22.000 Like, she had, like, syphilis or something that started here.

00:53:26.000 Like, she had a cut in her lip. 1.00

00:53:27.000 And she sucked a fucked up dick or something. 1.00

00:53:30.000 And it ran. 1.00

00:53:31.000 I'll never forget this.

00:53:32.000 It's not even funny.

00:53:33.000 It was really sad because I didn't know what she had.

00:53:35.000 I just went there with my friend.

00:53:36.000 My friend goes, you got to go in there with me, dog.

00:53:38.000 I'm scared to walk in there.

00:53:40.000 I said, let's go.

00:53:40.000 What's the big deal?

00:53:41.000 They're going to give you pills, whatever.

00:53:43.000 I didn't know.

00:53:43.000 I wasn't sexually active at that age like he was.

00:53:46.000 And we went in there while I was waiting for him, dog.

00:53:48.000 This chick came in, did paperwork, and she turned around, and she had gotten something that started here. 1.00

00:53:54.000 Like, you know, she had like a cut, or what's that when you have chapped lips or something?

00:53:59.000 And all this was like half purple and red. 0.99

00:54:02.000 She sucked something bad. 1.00

00:54:04.000 And after that, I was like, whew, I gotta be careful out there. 0.99

00:54:07.000 It's a jungle.

00:54:09.000 That was the thing when we were kids.

00:54:10.000 Like, someone has VD. Ah, she's got VD. Be careful, he's got VD. You know, someone having VD was like, whoa, you hear?

00:54:18.000 Do you hear?

00:54:18.000 Betty got VD. Ooh, that fucking girl got VD. Then it became STDs.

00:54:25.000 There's a girl on Facebook that's friends with me from high school that her pussy wouldn't get wet. 1.00

00:54:29.000 So they used to call her the Dry Hump, Fairview, New Jersey. 1.00

00:54:32.000 They used to call her Fairview, New Jersey, the Dry Hump. 0.97

00:54:38.000 That was so awful. 1.00

00:54:47.000 That's so fucked up. 1.00

00:54:50.000 People are so fucked up. 1.00

00:54:53.000 People are so fucked up. 1.00

00:54:54.000 This girl was banging. 1.00

00:54:55.000 This girl was fucking banging though. 1.00

00:54:58.000 So you'd have to, like, bring Vaseline or something? 1.00

00:55:00.000 Yeah, she was from Wayne, New Jersey, and she was banging. 1.00

00:55:02.000 She moved to North Bergen, like, and she was a sophomore. 0.98

00:55:05.000 And she was dating a few guys and shit. 0.94

00:55:07.000 And things happened. 0.95

00:55:08.000 Like, I was friends with her.

00:55:08.000 I knew she didn't like me.

00:55:10.000 Like, she just didn't like me for some reason.

00:55:12.000 I didn't think the world of her either. 0.99

00:55:14.000 And one night in 84, I'm at a bar, and this bitch comes in, I mean, banging. 1.00

00:55:20.000 Banging. 1.00

00:55:21.000 Banging.

00:55:21.000 They also said she had some type of VD, so they called her Laurie Jack.

00:55:25.000 You know, like, she's got the Jack.

00:55:28.000 No, what is that?

00:55:28.000 DC sang a song.

00:55:30.000 She's got the Jack.

00:55:32.000 Jack.

00:55:33.000 So they used to call her name and Jack.

00:55:35.000 Like, that was her name.

00:55:36.000 Like, they just tormented this girl. 0.99

00:55:38.000 And she dated, like, a Rocky, like a rock guy that had, like, long hair and shit. 0.99

00:55:42.000 A rocker. 0.99

00:55:43.000 And one that I saw.

00:55:44.000 A Rocky?

00:55:45.000 And she was banging Joe Rogan, right?

00:55:48.000 Yeah.

00:55:48.000 Banging.

00:55:49.000 And I go, you live in North Bergen?

00:55:50.000 She's like, yeah, I didn't go to college.

00:55:52.000 I'm a nanny.

00:55:54.000 I'm a nanny, and she told me the guy's name.

00:55:56.000 And I knew that guy.

00:55:57.000 That guy had a massage parlor years earlier.

00:55:59.000 The guy that she was being a nanny for. 1.00

00:56:01.000 And I go, if she's his nanny, he's just fucking her. 1.00

00:56:04.000 Something's got to be wrong. 1.00

00:56:06.000 She looked so good in that miniskirt.

00:56:07.000 She disappeared like 130. And finally at like 3 I'm sitting and I'm like, what am I going to do tonight?

00:56:13.000 And I had like a bag of coke. 1.00

00:56:15.000 I go, fuck it. 1.00

00:56:15.000 I'm going to go get her. 1.00

00:56:18.000 So I went to, this is how crazy I was.

00:56:20.000 I went to the dude's house, who she told me.

00:56:22.000 I knocked on the door.

00:56:23.000 It was 3.15 in the morning.

00:56:25.000 And he's like, Coco, what are you doing here?

00:56:27.000 I go, I gotta talk to Laurie.

00:56:30.000 There's something missing.

00:56:31.000 He goes, hold on, Laurie?

00:56:32.000 And she came down and she comes outside.

00:56:34.000 He's got a robe on, she's got a robe on.

00:56:37.000 And I look her straight in the face. 0.97

00:56:38.000 I go, listen, I got like two eight balls in my pocket. 0.95

00:56:41.000 Get dressed. 1.00

00:56:42.000 Let's get the fuck out of here. 0.98

00:56:43.000 And she's like, I can't. 0.99

00:56:44.000 I go, you have to.

00:56:46.000 And we argued there for like 10 minutes. 1.00

00:56:48.000 I'm like, I want to suck your pussy. 1.00

00:56:49.000 I want to do dirty things to you. 1.00

00:56:51.000 I don't give a fuck about the VD or the Jack or the dry hump. 1.00

00:56:54.000 I'm on fire. 0.99

00:56:55.000 And she's like, well, give me 10 minutes.

00:56:57.000 How am I going to sneak out of here?

00:56:59.000 I don't know.

00:57:00.000 So I waited outside for her.

00:57:01.000 She's like, I'll put Lou in bed and I'll run out. 0.99

00:57:04.000 About 15 minutes later, I see her running out with her purse with like a bank deposit bag. 1.00

00:57:09.000 She's like, fuck him. 1.00

00:57:10.000 I can't take him anymore. 1.00

00:57:12.000 Fuck him. 1.00

00:57:12.000 We were on foot. 1.00

00:57:13.000 It's 4 in the morning.

00:57:15.000 I'm on Tunley Avenue in North Bergen. 0.63

00:57:17.000 There's a bunch of those dirty hotels.

00:57:19.000 So I'm like, oh, I got a score here.

00:57:21.000 I got coke.

00:57:21.000 She's got money.

00:57:23.000 I'm going to fuck her. 1.00

00:57:24.000 I'm excited. 1.00

00:57:25.000 We go back to a hotel.

00:57:27.000 We finally registered.

00:57:28.000 It's like $30. 0.99

00:57:29.000 They asked us if we wanted the jacuzzi in the room and shit. 0.99

00:57:32.000 It was one of those dirty hotels on Tunley as you're going to New York City. 1.00

00:57:36.000 We went in there, we walk in, and she goes, rule number one, you are not gonna fuck me. 1.00

00:57:40.000 It's five in the morning, there goes my fucking, there goes this night. 1.00

00:57:44.000 And all of a sudden she looks at me, she goes, well, if you could guess the color of my panties, I'll fuck you. 1.00

00:57:50.000 And I'm like, okay, red. 1.00

00:57:52.000 And she goes, they're green, but good enough. 1.00

00:57:56.000 We started snorting coke, eating ass. 1.00

00:57:59.000 I mean, it was filthy. 0.99

00:58:00.000 I woke up at 5 in the afternoon, and Doug Flutie was throwing that quarterback, that touchdown.

00:58:06.000 In 1984, 83, Doug Flutie.

00:58:09.000 I was waking up.

00:58:10.000 She was naked, ripped apart.

00:58:12.000 I'm waking up, and Doug Flutie's throwing the touchdown. 0.99

00:58:15.000 I got dressed and got the fuck out of it and never saw her again. 0.75

00:58:18.000 Never said to her. 0.97

00:58:18.000 I even robbed the money. 0.97

00:58:20.000 I took everything.

00:58:21.000 She pops up on Facebook about two years ago and I'm like, Laurie, how are you? 1.00

00:58:26.000 She's like, fuck you, you fat faggot and all this shit. 1.00

00:58:29.000 She's like, you left me there that night, but we had a good time. 1.00

00:58:32.000 Fuck yeah, we had a good time. 1.00

00:58:34.000 And I hit her back and go, what color are your panties? 1.00

00:58:37.000 And she goes, what's that supposed to mean? 1.00

00:58:39.000 Fucking tremendous. 0.99

00:58:41.000 I knew she gave me something. 0.99

00:58:42.000 She had something. 0.99

00:58:44.000 But I didn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:58:45.000 It was 84. Rock Hudson was dying. 0.99

00:58:47.000 I didn't use a condom.

00:58:48.000 I knew the consequences. 1.00

00:58:50.000 I'm like, fuck it! 1.00

00:58:51.000 So I knew I was going to get something. 1.00

00:58:53.000 And I probably did.

00:58:54.000 I got crabs after that.

00:58:56.000 Over the holidays.

00:58:58.000 I was 84. I got crabs in the 84-85 season.

00:59:02.000 I got crabs.

00:59:03.000 I found out at a bathroom in Port Authority. 1.00

00:59:06.000 I went to Port Authority to take a shit. 0.99

00:59:08.000 And I pulled my pants down. 0.99

00:59:09.000 And I'm sitting there reading a paper.

00:59:12.000 And I see a crab.

00:59:13.000 Like I saw something jump. 1.00

00:59:14.000 And I'm like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:59:16.000 And I had never heard it. 0.99

00:59:18.000 I had never heard it.

00:59:19.000 Nothing.

00:59:19.000 I went home and took my underwear off and got like a magnifying glass.

00:59:23.000 It was over.

00:59:23.000 It was all over me.

00:59:25.000 They were all over the couch.

00:59:27.000 I had to bring a bomb into the room. 1.00

00:59:29.000 Like one of those fucking bug bombs and leave for 12 hours. 1.00

00:59:32.000 Did you really? 1.00

00:59:33.000 Oh, I grabbed up the whole fucking thing. 0.99

00:59:37.000 It was crabbed up for like a month, dog. 0.99

00:59:40.000 Oh my God.

00:59:41.000 Lady next door knocked on my thing. 1.00

00:59:42.000 I was living in Tetherfly, New Jersey.

00:59:44.000 Lady next door knocked, do you have a bug problem? 1.00

00:59:46.000 I'm like, no.

00:59:47.000 I don't know what happened. 0.98

00:59:49.000 Ever since you moved in here, there's been crabs and shit. 0.99

00:59:52.000 Oh no. 0.99

00:59:53.000 My dog had fleas when I was in high school.

00:59:55.000 And you ever have a dog with fleas because the fleas get in the carpet?

00:59:59.000 They had like a flea collar that you'd put on your dog, but it barely worked.

01:00:04.000 And then they had these flea drops that you put on them. 0.99

01:00:08.000 The dogs would fucking hate it. 0.93

01:00:09.000 He would squirt it on their fur, like at various spots, like right behind the neck, and then like in the middle of the back, and then the lower back. 1.00

01:00:15.000 And the dog would go fucking crazy and roll around the ground, try to get that shit off him. 0.99

01:00:20.000 But if you didn't do it, your dog's gonna get fleas, and we had carpet. 1.00

01:00:25.000 So that means you have fleas.

01:00:26.000 So when you're walking, in my bedroom, I'd be walking in my carpet and I'd see a flea jump onto my leg. 1.00

01:00:33.000 I'd be like, fuck. 1.00

01:00:35.000 And once you have it, you just have it. 0.99

01:00:37.000 I mean, there was some carpet stuff that I used to have to shake down. 0.96

01:00:42.000 So I'd shake down all this poison shit all over my carpet and then you have to vacuum it up. 0.98

01:00:48.000 But there was always one or two that survived, one or two gangster fleas that figured out how to fucking stay away from the powder and then figure their way right back onto your leg. 0.99

01:00:56.000 And it was hard to get it off the dogs, too, because then they would just go hang out with other dogs. 0.94

01:01:00.000 They'd get it again.

01:01:02.000 Even if you cleaned them up and killed all the fleas, they got them again.

01:01:05.000 You could see the eggs, like you'd be cleaning them, like you'd wash your dog.

01:01:10.000 At the base of their hair, you'd find these little eggs. 0.99

01:01:13.000 Yeah, it's fucking scary. 1.00

01:01:15.000 Fucking gross little parasites. 1.00

01:01:15.000 That's what was going on in your carpeting. 1.00

01:01:17.000 They would just drop and shit all over your carpeting. 0.99

01:01:19.000 Yep. 0.99

01:01:20.000 Yeah, that's a giant issue if you have dogs.

01:01:23.000 I had a dog once that had distemper.

01:01:25.000 Caught distemper from another dog.

01:01:27.000 It was so sad.

01:01:28.000 He was a puppy, and he would go into convulsions.

01:01:32.000 He would have, like, seizures.

01:01:33.000 He was just a little puppy.

01:01:35.000 It was so sad.

01:01:37.000 We had to wind up putting him down.

01:01:40.000 And we put him down, man.

01:01:42.000 My veterinarian.

01:01:44.000 This is how good a guy this guy was.

01:01:45.000 He was crying.

01:01:46.000 He cried afterwards.

01:01:48.000 You know, about how hard it is.

01:01:49.000 I mean, the guy just loved dogs.

01:01:51.000 Loved cats.

01:01:53.000 He was just so upset.

01:01:56.000 So upset.

01:01:58.000 It was really crazy, man.

01:02:00.000 It was a weird moment that I'll never forget.

01:02:04.000 He wound up dying in a car accident.

01:02:06.000 Drunk driver.

01:02:07.000 Yeah, drunk driver hit him.

01:02:10.000 I'll never forget that.

01:02:11.000 I was like, wow, that guy got killed by a drunk driver?

01:02:14.000 That guy?

01:02:14.000 He didn't make any sense.

01:02:17.000 He was such a nice guy.

01:02:19.000 But boy, did he hate marriage.

01:02:24.000 I was young.

01:02:26.000 I was like 26 when I first met him.

01:02:29.000 He'd be like, you married?

01:02:30.000 I'd go, no.

01:02:31.000 He'd go, don't get married.

01:02:32.000 I'd be like, okay.

01:02:33.000 Just explain to me marriage. 0.99

01:02:35.000 Guys who have been through hardcore divorces, Man, they have a fucking way. 0.97

01:02:40.000 They have a way of grabbing you and putting that urgency in you. 0.98

01:02:44.000 Listen to me.

01:02:45.000 Don't fucking do it. 1.00

01:02:46.000 Okay. 0.99

01:02:47.000 Okay, I won't do it.

01:02:48.000 I won't do it.

01:02:51.000 There's nothing as bad as a divorce.

01:02:54.000 I would say death is probably worse.

01:02:56.000 Some people, divorce is great. 0.99

01:02:58.000 You know what the problem with a lot of fucking people is, especially a lot of dudes with money, is when you get married, Your wife has money too now. 0.99

01:03:09.000 Like, before you got married, you were the guy with money. 0.99

01:03:12.000 So you had a bunch of money.

01:03:14.000 She's like, wow, I like this guy.

01:03:15.000 He's got money.

01:03:16.000 And then, when you get married, guess what?

01:03:19.000 Now she's got money too. 0.99

01:03:20.000 Now she gets to recognize you for you.

01:03:24.000 So you're not as cool anymore.

01:03:26.000 Because you're not just a guy with money. 1.00

01:03:27.000 She's got money too, bitch. 1.00

01:03:29.000 It's her fucking money now. 1.00

01:03:30.000 And she's like, God damn it, I'm going to take my share and get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:03:33.000 Like, all of a sudden, she's got your money. 0.99

01:03:35.000 Like, what happened?

01:03:36.000 What happened is like...

01:03:38.000 There's a bunch of things that happen when people get married, right?

01:03:40.000 There's love, there's devotion, there's commitment, there's a beautiful bond that you guys share.

01:03:46.000 But let's not get confused.

01:03:48.000 Under the exact same rules, with the exact same words, I do, I do, there's a lot of scamming going on.

01:03:56.000 There's a lot of people getting robbed.

01:03:58.000 There's a lot of legal extortion.

01:04:01.000 There's a lot of legal stealing. 1.00

01:04:03.000 There's a lot of really hot women who have no business fucking some old dude. 1.00

01:04:08.000 There's a lot of really hot women that are like fucking some guy who's 70 years old and they talk this dummy into marrying them with no prenuptial. 1.00

01:04:16.000 They suck his dick for a couple years and drop the kablooey on him. 1.00

01:04:21.000 And take a chunk, just take a giant chunk of millions and millions of dollars. 1.00

01:04:27.000 That happens too.

01:04:29.000 I'm not saying it shouldn't happen, and I'm not saying it's not an interesting deal, you know, that some people make, you know, like the guy who married Anna Nicole Smith.

01:04:37.000 Remember I used to have that bit about that guy?

01:04:38.000 That was the same kind of thing.

01:04:40.000 It was like, nothing wrong with it.

01:04:41.000 Everybody knows what it is.

01:04:43.000 But You can't, like, that's not the same.

01:04:47.000 Like, all marriages are not the same.

01:04:49.000 So people that were upset about, like, gay marriage, there's gay people that legitimately love each other and they want to get married. 0.99

01:04:55.000 You should be upset at this other shit. 1.00

01:04:57.000 You should be upset that you could go to Vegas, high on coke, go through a drive-thru, and get married. 1.00

01:05:02.000 You can do that.

01:05:03.000 They're not drug testing you. 0.99

01:05:05.000 They take you to those drive-thru Elvis fucking wedding chapels in Vegas. 0.99

01:05:10.000 You think they see if you're drunk? 1.00

01:05:11.000 They don't give a fuck if you're drunk. 0.99

01:05:13.000 You mean maybe you can get it annulled tomorrow if you are? 0.99

01:05:16.000 I mean maybe, I don't know. 0.99

01:05:18.000 They don't give a shit. 0.99

01:05:19.000 That's marriage too. 0.99

01:05:21.000 It's a bunch of different things. 1.00

01:05:22.000 It's a goddamn contract. 1.00

01:05:23.000 You know? 1.00

01:05:24.000 Marriage is bad for somebody when they lose something.

01:05:27.000 That's what it basically is.

01:05:28.000 They lose a house.

01:05:29.000 They lose money.

01:05:30.000 If you marry somebody and all of a sudden you go, hey, I don't want to be married no more.

01:05:33.000 Me neither.

01:05:34.000 See you tomorrow.

01:05:35.000 Who's keeping the house? 1.00

01:05:36.000 It's your fucking house. 1.00

01:05:37.000 Bye. 1.00

01:05:37.000 Okay. 1.00

01:05:38.000 That's great.

01:05:39.000 Nobody, nobody would get angry.

01:05:40.000 Nobody would get angry.

01:05:41.000 It's when you lose something.

01:05:42.000 Right.

01:05:43.000 You know, or somebody cheated on you or whatever.

01:05:45.000 I had no money when I got divorced.

01:05:47.000 It wasn't even that alone.

01:05:49.000 So you're like, yay!

01:05:50.000 Yay. 1.00

01:05:50.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:05:51.000 When I could do comedy now and the whole thing? 1.00

01:05:53.000 Yeah.

01:05:53.000 But there was a kid involved.

01:05:54.000 Right. 0.99

01:05:55.000 And there's always fucking something. 1.00

01:05:56.000 See, that's when marriage sucks. 1.00

01:05:58.000 I also told myself that for years. 0.99

01:06:01.000 And it wasn't the marriage that sucked.

01:06:03.000 Sometimes we don't put enough into the marriage.

01:06:05.000 You know, I didn't know what marriage was when I first got married. 1.00

01:06:08.000 I'll tell you what, I know what marriage is now, motherfucker. 0.99

01:06:11.000 I know what marriage is now, and that's why it works. 0.99

01:06:14.000 I know you have to put time in.

01:06:16.000 When I first got married, you do the laundry, you cook, and I give you a check. 1.00

01:06:19.000 And we fuck. 1.00

01:06:22.000 I fuck you when I want. 1.00

01:06:23.000 That's not marriage. 1.00

01:06:24.000 When you're 25, you think that's marriage.

01:06:26.000 You know, you think that's marriage.

01:06:28.000 That's what I thought.

01:06:29.000 I'll go out and work. 0.94

01:06:30.000 I didn't think you had to pay attention or go to a date night or fucking have to put time into them or, you know, I can't do a spot tonight because I'm going to the movies with my wife. 0.98

01:06:38.000 You know, you have to put that time in if you want it to fucking work. 0.93

01:06:41.000 Yeah, you gotta have an actual relationship.

01:06:44.000 That's where it gets tricky.

01:06:46.000 It's hard, you know, it's hard to find someone that you enjoy talking to, you know, that you enjoy being with.

01:06:52.000 Not just doing stuff with, but just sitting alone and talking.

01:06:56.000 It's hard.

01:06:57.000 It's hard to find people that are on the same wavelength as you.

01:07:00.000 It's hard to find people that want to talk about the things you want to talk about or want to, you know, want to see things through your perspective and that you want to see things through their perspective.

01:07:09.000 That you want to have these open, kind of honest conversations.

01:07:12.000 It's not easy to find someone like that.

01:07:15.000 These poor people that we all know that are on dating apps, especially smart women. 1.00

01:07:21.000 I know a lot of smart women that cannot find a fucking man to save their life. 1.00

01:07:25.000 And you look at it and you're like, I don't get it. 1.00

01:07:27.000 Smart, ambitious, powerful woman, hot, can't find a man. 1.00

01:07:33.000 It's hard out there.

01:07:35.000 It's hard. 0.93

01:07:36.000 To find somebody that you sync with, that you can talk to, I think it's way easier for a dude to find a cool chick than it is for a girl to find a guy who's got his shit together. 0.81

01:07:48.000 Maybe I'm just guessing. 0.92

01:07:52.000 But I think it's probably harder. 0.99

01:07:54.000 There's a lot of single women out there that are fucking good-looking, having jobs and shit. 1.00

01:07:59.000 But we also know them like that, too. 1.00

01:08:02.000 It runs two ways, Joe.

01:08:03.000 We didn't get that close to them that we didn't see what their...

01:08:10.000 Idiosyncrasies works, even with us. 0.95

01:08:12.000 There's a bunch of women that look at you and go, oh, I'd love to be with them, and then they get with you, and they're like, this guy flies out of town every fucking weekend. 1.00

01:08:17.000 I can't be, you know what I'm saying? 0.95

01:08:18.000 Like, little things that they don't understand.

01:08:20.000 Am I coming?

01:08:21.000 No!

01:08:21.000 Have you ever had guys that you're friends with who, like, back up off the comedy because they get a new girlfriend, and the new girlfriend's like, I don't want you going out.

01:08:29.000 You know, I don't want you...

01:08:29.000 You're doing sets every night.

01:08:31.000 You don't have to do them every night.

01:08:32.000 Like, but I do if I want to get better.

01:08:34.000 Like, that's, like, you know how, like...

01:08:36.000 Baseball player has to go to the field and practice.

01:08:39.000 Yeah, I have to go on stage.

01:08:40.000 It's the same thing.

01:08:41.000 You don't think about it that way because you don't do it, but you gotta understand it's the same thing. 0.99

01:08:45.000 Well, when I dated the stripper, the crazy bitch, she didn't understand that. 1.00

01:08:50.000 She was awesome, by the way. 1.00

01:08:51.000 No, she wasn't awesome. 0.99

01:08:52.000 She was retarded. 1.00

01:08:53.000 You and her together were one of my favorite couples of all time. 1.00

01:08:56.000 She's retarded as shit. 1.00

01:08:56.000 She's still retarded. 1.00

01:08:57.000 I loved it.

01:08:58.000 She posted a picture of her boyfriend now.

01:09:00.000 He's got cockeyed. 1.00

01:09:01.000 I mean, she's a fucking nut. 1.00

01:09:03.000 She's a fucking nut. 1.00

01:09:04.000 It was one of the reasons why I fell in love with you. 1.00

01:09:06.000 She's a millionaire now. 1.00

01:09:07.000 You know she's a fucking gazillionaire. 1.00

01:09:08.000 Yeah, you told me. 1.00

01:09:09.000 And she dates these fucking dudes. 1.00

01:09:10.000 Where'd she get all the money again? 1.00

01:09:12.000 All right, first, when we broke up, she went to Florida, and she ended up marrying this old Hindu guy. 0.90

01:09:18.000 There you go.

01:09:19.000 Like, he was 76. They lasted three months.

01:09:22.000 He died.

01:09:24.000 Like, what was I saying?

01:09:25.000 Left her his money.

01:09:26.000 There you go.

01:09:27.000 She took the money and invested in gyms. 0.62

01:09:31.000 Curves? 1.00

01:09:32.000 Bought one, bought two, bought three, bought four, became like a fucking... 1.00

01:09:36.000 A mogul. 0.99

01:09:37.000 And then sold them all when they were still hot.

01:09:39.000 Wow.

01:09:41.000 And they went out of business.

01:09:42.000 Curves went out of business? 0.98

01:09:43.000 I think something.

01:09:44.000 Something.

01:09:45.000 I don't know.

01:09:45.000 They're not as popular as they were anymore.

01:09:47.000 Well, the whole idea was like, don't work out that hard.

01:09:50.000 Like, you can keep your curves.

01:09:51.000 Just, come on then.

01:09:52.000 Oh, I thought it was a place just for women. 1.00

01:09:54.000 No, no one's ambitious.

01:09:54.000 I thought it was just for women.

01:09:56.000 I didn't know what it was.

01:09:56.000 Just kidding.

01:09:57.000 Oh, okay.

01:09:58.000 But yeah, it is just a place for women. 1.00

01:09:59.000 But, you know, you hear it like curves.

01:10:01.000 You think of it as, you know, when you say embrace your curves, yeah, definitely.

01:10:06.000 Sure.

01:10:07.000 What are you saying, though?

01:10:08.000 What are you really saying?

01:10:09.000 Are you saying embrace your curves?

01:10:10.000 Are you saying, you know, don't work out that hard?

01:10:13.000 What are you saying?

01:10:14.000 Don't bother getting fit?

01:10:15.000 What are you saying?

01:10:16.000 I don't know what you're saying.

01:10:18.000 You can't go there.

01:10:18.000 You can't work out there.

01:10:19.000 No.

01:10:20.000 But you can never have a men-only gym.

01:10:23.000 No?

01:10:25.000 If you had a men-only gym...

01:10:26.000 It would be empty.

01:10:27.000 Well, it wouldn't even matter.

01:10:29.000 Like, women would protest. 1.00

01:10:31.000 Half of these fucking humps go to the gym to see girls anyway. 1.00

01:10:34.000 Most of them. 1.00

01:10:35.000 Most of them do, so that's why it would be empty.

01:10:37.000 There's a lot of guys who go to the gym and they don't even get motivated unless girls are working out there.

01:10:42.000 They wanna look at them.

01:10:43.000 Look at them while they work out.

01:10:44.000 Their yoga pants.

01:10:45.000 It's very primal.

01:10:47.000 You know, you're like naked, but covered up with like cloth, like paint.

01:10:51.000 It's like paint cloth.

01:10:52.000 That little monkey sweating, right?

01:10:54.000 Yeah, it's right there.

01:10:55.000 You're feeling like Trump? 1.00

01:10:57.000 I'll grab that fucking monster. 1.00

01:11:00.000 I was with my friend Cameron Haynes. 1.00

01:11:02.000 In Boston, we were working out at this gym, and there was this girl that was, you know those hardcore gym girls? 1.00

01:11:08.000 Those hardcore gym girls who just, I follow a couple of them on Instagram, and they do squats, and fucking, they're doing like, a perfect example is that guy, Kieran, who was here, Kieran Fitzgibbons, his wife's name is Jack Jessica.

01:11:23.000 She's like a CrossFit champion, and she's just ridiculously fit. 1.00

01:11:28.000 Just ridiculously fit.

01:11:29.000 But those kind of like gym girls. 1.00

01:11:32.000 Don't they scare the fuck out of you? 0.98

01:11:34.000 A little bit? 0.99

01:11:35.000 A little crazy?

01:11:36.000 I don't say nothing to them.

01:11:38.000 I just walk right past them. 0.99

01:11:40.000 There's a girl at the Y that does deadlifts, the whole fucking thing. 1.00

01:11:43.000 She's brutal. 1.00

01:11:44.000 She's fucking brutal. 1.00

01:11:46.000 Me and Cam Haynes were looking at her and Cam was like, I want to be built like her. 0.99

01:11:50.000 Because I wish I had her built.

01:11:52.000 She was jacked. 1.00

01:11:54.000 This lady was just doing squats and shit. 1.00

01:11:56.000 Fucking powder on her hands and shit. 1.00

01:11:59.000 Big ass neck. 1.00

01:12:03.000 Deadlifts. 1.00

01:12:04.000 Some women just embrace that. 1.00

01:12:06.000 They love it.

01:12:07.000 Now, if they were told they can't go to a gym because it's an all-male powerlifting gym, but the problem is, like, a girl goes to a gym and hits on guys is really not that big of a deal.

01:12:17.000 But if a guy goes to an all-girl gym and starts hitting on the girls, that becomes gross.

01:12:23.000 It becomes, like, harassment.

01:12:25.000 Like, you can't work out.

01:12:27.000 It's just a different feeling.

01:12:29.000 It's a different feeling for them to hit on us than it is for us to hit on them.

01:12:33.000 It's not the same kind of danger.

01:12:36.000 A guy hitting on a girl, there's a certain element of danger involved in that. 0.99

01:12:41.000 If some crazy girl comes to the gym and she's like, yeah, I'll fucking give you a deadlift. 1.00

01:12:47.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:12:48.000 You wouldn't feel threatened. 0.99

01:12:51.000 You'd be like, get out of here, crazy. 0.82

01:12:54.000 They'll lose you?

01:12:55.000 But, like, if you go to Crunch, like, say you go to those Hollywood gyms with Vian and all those, you see that the girls get ready an hour before they go to the gym. 0.99

01:13:05.000 Makeup, the hat with the tail coming out, the fucking color coordinator. 0.99

01:13:10.000 I mean, they go to those gyms to get picked up. 0.99

01:13:12.000 And the guys that go there, They go for action, too.

01:13:15.000 When you go to the Y, it slows down a little bit.

01:13:18.000 There's still a couple women that go in there, they get a stab, and I see them all the time. 1.00

01:13:21.000 They go in there with the little towels and the yoga pants, and they're mingling with the trainers and shit. 0.98

01:13:27.000 But then you go to other gyms, and that's not even happening. 0.98

01:13:30.000 It's just certain gyms call for that, man.

01:13:32.000 Yeah.

01:13:33.000 You also recognize what a person's got going on physically.

01:13:39.000 You see some girl doing one of them.

01:13:40.000 Those things, you got that butt bomb machine. 1.00

01:13:43.000 Yeah.

01:13:46.000 You know that one? 0.99

01:13:48.000 Like, they're sending out pheromones and shit. 0.97

01:13:51.000 And they're showing you their shape, you know? 0.99

01:13:54.000 They got yoga pants on or shorts.

01:13:57.000 Shorts are risky.

01:13:58.000 Especially when you're doing them kind of kicking maneuvers.

01:14:00.000 If there's any sort of opening there and some things get pushed to the side. 0.98

01:14:05.000 Come fucking flying out of the bottom of there. 0.97

01:14:08.000 You gotta be careful. 1.00

01:14:10.000 It's a dangerous move.

01:14:11.000 But you're seeing them exert.

01:14:13.000 You're seeing them work hard.

01:14:15.000 You're seeing them show their vitality.

01:14:17.000 You know?

01:14:18.000 When they're lifting their...

01:14:19.000 And there's always like some dude helping them.

01:14:23.000 Come on, one more, one more, one more.

01:14:27.000 But she's not just doing that for him, she's doing that for other guys too.

01:14:31.000 She's like putting out that scent, accelerating the game.

01:14:36.000 The whole competition just ramps up a couple of notches while she's doing squats. 1.00

01:14:41.000 Ass out, ridiculous. 0.99

01:14:44.000 Squats. 1.00

01:14:45.000 Deep.

01:14:48.000 Clink.

01:14:49.000 High fives the guys, walks around, makes eye contact with the audience.

01:14:55.000 See who's checking her out hard.

01:14:57.000 There was a girl at the Y. When I first started going to one in Hollywood.

01:15:02.000 Spanish girl.

01:15:04.000 Torture. 0.90

01:15:05.000 Torture. 0.95

01:15:05.000 She wouldn't shave her armpits. 0.95

01:15:07.000 Whoa.

01:15:08.000 And the sweat would drip from her armpit.

01:15:10.000 And here's where it gets better.

01:15:12.000 She would always wear gray sweatpants and she wouldn't wear underwear.

01:15:15.000 So you could see the sweat from her monkey. 1.00

01:15:19.000 Come right through the fucking, so she'd be walking up to you and you'd see the fucking wet thing. 1.00

01:15:24.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:15:25.000 Right in her camel toes. 1.00

01:15:26.000 She didn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:15:27.000 She was hot and fucked, too. 1.00

01:15:30.000 She was young. 1.00

01:15:31.000 You know, I'm an old man.

01:15:32.000 I wouldn't talk to her, but I'd see her in there talking to the different guys. 0.99

01:15:35.000 But she'd be benching and she'd open up her thighs and that little swamp would just be fucking drenched with sweat. 1.00

01:15:42.000 It was tremendous. 0.99

01:15:44.000 I would look at it and shake my fucking, this girl's, you know, Hollywood, man. 1.00

01:15:48.000 That's what happened. 1.00

01:15:49.000 Listen, I went to Hollywood yesterday morning.

01:15:51.000 I had to be there at lunchtime.

01:15:52.000 And I'm driving, I'm in a light, and I see a black dude that weighed, he was six feet, weighed 120 pounds.

01:15:59.000 That skinny.

01:16:00.000 With a Clint Eastwood hat on from Fistful of Dollars and the poncho from Clint Eastwood.

01:16:06.000 And he was standing next to a big fat white dude with a beard like Jesus with sandals in the Jesus tank.

01:16:12.000 And I said to myself, dog, I'm in Hollywood. 0.53

01:16:14.000 This is it.

01:16:15.000 This is it.

01:16:16.000 This is what I'm going to see, you know?

01:16:18.000 You see that at the comedy store almost any night.

01:16:20.000 Almost any night, you see that one dude who dresses like Jesus?

01:16:22.000 No explanation.

01:16:23.000 One time he came by and he wasn't dressed like Jesus, I was disappointed.

01:16:27.000 I've seen that guy a hundred times, at least, dressed like Jesus.

01:16:31.000 And then one time I saw him, he wasn't dressed like Jesus. 0.99

01:16:33.000 I was like, what the fuck are you doing here, man? 0.99

01:16:35.000 Like, once you commit to that outfit, right? 0.99

01:16:38.000 Have you ever seen him without the Jesus outfit?

01:16:39.000 Yeah, I think once.

01:16:41.000 Once, yeah. 0.99

01:16:43.000 He said he walks in there like Jesus, too, with his head down, like, pulling it from the back, and he's fucking... 0.98

01:16:48.000 That's interesting. 0.97

01:16:49.000 I mean, he found something.

01:16:51.000 He found his niche.

01:16:52.000 I guess.

01:16:53.000 There used to be a dude, you remember the guy who used to walk up and down the street with a cross on his back?

01:16:59.000 No.

01:17:00.000 Yeah, there was a dude who used to walk down the street with a cross, and sometimes people would carry the cross, and sometimes he would strap it on his back.

01:17:08.000 But he would walk down with a bunch of disciples, and they all had Bibles, and they would start yelling out, Different quotes from the Bible.

01:17:18.000 And they would tell them to people in the front patio.

01:17:21.000 This was back before the front patio had a bar.

01:17:23.000 Remember, the front patio was basically wasted space until the new administration came along.

01:17:28.000 When did they open up the bar at the front patio?

01:17:31.000 I don't know how many years ago.

01:17:32.000 It was before I came back.

01:17:34.000 Now it's a vibrant little bar.

01:17:36.000 It was always something.

01:17:37.000 Remember, Cory had it.

01:17:38.000 Princess Cory had it.

01:17:40.000 But she opened it just so she could drink.

01:17:43.000 That's it.

01:17:43.000 I mean, she used to open it.

01:17:45.000 She would walk away.

01:17:46.000 People would be like, where's the bartender?

01:17:48.000 You know, it was never really, they would break even every night.

01:17:51.000 It would sell like nine beers or something. 0.99

01:17:53.000 Now it's a fucking bar, like you said. 0.99

01:17:55.000 Do you know they used to do shows there? 1.00

01:17:57.000 Where?

01:17:58.000 On that back patio.

01:17:59.000 They had a stand-up show there.

01:18:01.000 They would set up a mic out there.

01:18:03.000 When?

01:18:03.000 They did it a couple of years ago, apparently.

01:18:05.000 But the neighbors complained.

01:18:07.000 Before we came back, they would have, like, on open mic night, they would have a spill-out show where they would have an open mic night out there on the patio.

01:18:15.000 But apparently, people were just yelling out, or something.

01:18:19.000 You know, I mean, they're yelling. 0.99

01:18:21.000 That's such a heavy fucking... 0.98

01:18:23.000 You know, I was watching Almost Famous the other day. 0.99

01:18:26.000 You ever watch Almost Famous?

01:18:27.000 Yeah, I love that movie.

01:18:28.000 Almost Famous was on, whatever, and I was watching, and they got to the part when they were at the hotel next door.

01:18:34.000 And actually, you see them crossing the street in the store.

01:18:38.000 The lights are blinking at the store.

01:18:40.000 It's supposed to be 1969. What are you going to do at the store?

01:18:43.000 Fucking put a board over it? 0.99

01:18:45.000 Right. 0.99

01:18:45.000 But that was the hotel. 0.99

01:18:46.000 Like, that was a hot hotel.

01:18:48.000 When the store went from Ciro's to the store, was it closed down for a while?

01:18:53.000 I'm not sure.

01:18:55.000 Because the store was open in the 70s, right?

01:18:59.000 I want to say 74?

01:19:01.000 Something like that.

01:19:02.000 Is that right?

01:19:02.000 72, 74. 72?

01:19:05.000 72. But Ciro's was in the Bugsy Siegel days, which was what?

01:19:11.000 Wasn't that like the 1930s or something?

01:19:14.000 No.

01:19:15.000 20s?

01:19:16.000 When was the Bugsy Siegel?

01:19:17.000 Maybe the 50s?

01:19:19.000 Yeah, must be, right?

01:19:20.000 Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.

01:19:21.000 Cuba.

01:19:21.000 Right.

01:19:22.000 Vegas.

01:19:23.000 It was, Ciro's was closed in 1957, and then it was a rock club, rock and roll club in the 1960s.

01:19:29.000 Wow, what was that called?

01:19:33.000 It's the best spot in Hollywood.

01:19:35.000 It doesn't say what it was called.

01:19:37.000 We were talking one day and you said that there must be like a beam that shoots down to put all those people together at the Comedy Store. 0.51

01:19:47.000 Well, if you look at that fucking Almost Famous, I mean, everybody stay at that hotel next door.

01:19:51.000 That was the spot where you just checked in when you weren't on tour. 0.98

01:19:54.000 Yeah.

01:19:54.000 We're not on tour this week.

01:19:55.000 What do you want to do? 0.98

01:19:55.000 Let's go to the Riot House and get fucked up for a week and a half, you know? 0.98

01:19:59.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:20:00.000 It's amazing how those two spots are next to each other.

01:20:02.000 Like, they're so legendary and they're next to each other. 0.98

01:20:05.000 I'd like to get some sort of fucking Native American medicine man to walk around that place and tell me what kind of spirits he senses. 0.98

01:20:14.000 200 years of comedy, man. 0.98

01:20:17.000 200 years of comedy of murders, the Bugsy Siegel days, like how many people were whacked in that spot, the rock days, how many people probably OD'd at a rock club in the 1960s and 70s before it became the store,

01:20:32.000 how much craziness went on there. 0.94

01:20:34.000 Can you believe February 19th, on my birthday, I'll be at the store 20 fucking years. 0.99

01:20:39.000 Wow. 0.99

01:20:41.000 That's crazy.

01:20:42.000 20 years that place was in my life.

01:20:44.000 Like, usually you hang out at a bar at your neighborhood, you go for, like, four years, then you graduate, you're done. 0.97

01:20:49.000 You know those bars that, oh, let's go down to Bugsy's or whatever the fuck. 0.98

01:20:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:20:52.000 I've been going to the store for 20 years. 0.99

01:20:56.000 Second time I got on stage, somebody came up to me and said, has Mitzi Shaw seen you yet?

01:21:01.000 Like, I was always destined for the score.

01:21:03.000 Like, I knew it.

01:21:04.000 I knew it.

01:21:05.000 Like, I just knew it.

01:21:06.000 And then the more I got into comedy over the years, people would say to me, has Mitzi seen you yet?

01:21:11.000 You know, she likes characters or whatever. 0.92

01:21:13.000 But it's so weird, I've been there for 20 fucking years. 0.97

01:21:17.000 We were talking the other day about how she used to call you Fat Baby. 0.98

01:21:20.000 Yeah.

01:21:20.000 That was your name on the lineup.

01:21:22.000 Fat Baby.

01:21:24.000 Oh, it's my fat baby. 0.97

01:21:27.000 And she would stick her finger in my stomach and go to let the air out. 1.00

01:21:33.000 That's how cool Mr. Show was. 0.98

01:21:35.000 Oh, it's my fat baby. 1.00

01:21:36.000 Sit over here next to me, fat baby. 1.00

01:21:38.000 Let me see your stomach. 1.00

01:21:39.000 Let me rub it.

01:21:40.000 And then she would put the pin in it. 1.00

01:21:43.000 20 fucking years. 0.99

01:21:44.000 I went home the other night and I had to scratch my head a few times. 1.00

01:21:47.000 Like 20 years. 1.00

01:21:49.000 I've been doing this comedy shit for 25 fucking years. 0.99

01:21:52.000 First time I got on stage, did I fucking think I'd be here 25 years later than I think of stardom? 1.00

01:21:58.000 I didn't think of anything. 0.89

01:21:59.000 I just thought that finally I'm going to be able to do something with my life.

01:22:02.000 That's all I wanted to do, just something with my life.

01:22:05.000 I was talking to my buddy, ever since I shot the special, I've been thinking about 1993 a lot.

01:22:13.000 Where I was in 1993. I was living in New York City.

01:22:17.000 Why 93?

01:22:18.000 Because that's when I made my transition.

01:22:21.000 I did comedy for two years the way I went to jujitsu for two years.

01:22:24.000 It was very erratic.

01:22:26.000 I would go twice one week, one week I wouldn't go, then I'd go three times one week, and then I wouldn't go for two weeks.

01:22:32.000 It was very erratic.

01:22:33.000 I didn't know how to really get my hands on it.

01:22:37.000 But in 1993, I went to the city.

01:22:39.000 I was just...

01:22:40.000 I was broken from the divorce.

01:22:42.000 I had nothing going on.

01:22:43.000 I was broke.

01:22:44.000 And I went home and lived with a friend of mine and just went around the city and did comedy.

01:22:48.000 And I had no comprehension on what I was doing.

01:22:52.000 And then one night I walked into the old Triple Inn. 0.88

01:22:55.000 It used to be like an open mic that started at 11 and went till 2 or something in the city at 3 o'clock.

01:23:01.000 And I went in there one night about...

01:23:03.000 I had just finished driving a limo.

01:23:06.000 And I dropped the guy off in Manhattan, and I go, let me go get a spot over there.

01:23:11.000 And I went over there, and they said, there's no spots tonight, because Leguizamo was on stage.

01:23:15.000 And he was working one of those one-man shows. 0.99

01:23:17.000 This place was a fucking dive. 0.99

01:23:20.000 Like, every time I'd walk in there, I'd think about my comedy career. 0.99

01:23:22.000 Like, I got to figure something out, because I'm not going to keep doing this.

01:23:25.000 This place smelled like cigarette smoke.

01:23:27.000 There were seven people in the audience.

01:23:29.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:23:29.000 When you're first starting to do comedy, you're waiting for the lights.

01:23:34.000 For CBS to be there and shit. 0.96

01:23:36.000 CBS ain't gonna be here. 0.98

01:23:38.000 Why do I keep coming back here?

01:23:40.000 And finally one night I went and I saw Leguizamo and then I go, I get it.

01:23:47.000 I get it.

01:23:47.000 I thought it was too special.

01:23:48.000 I'd have to do that, you know?

01:23:52.000 Sorry, I ate fish. 1.00

01:23:53.000 I'm one of those fucking things. 1.00

01:23:55.000 What do you got? 1.00

01:23:56.000 Like a piece of bone?

01:23:59.000 Yeah, something that's tickling my throat.

01:24:00.000 You got a fish bone in your shirt?

01:24:01.000 You're gonna make me cough.

01:24:02.000 Sorry about that.

01:24:03.000 You okay?

01:24:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:05.000 Leguizamo was on stage.

01:24:06.000 It was a dive.

01:24:08.000 And it really...

01:24:09.000 I didn't know.

01:24:10.000 I didn't know anything about comedy.

01:24:11.000 I had read the Judy Carter book. 0.99

01:24:14.000 I had read a couple books by that fucking writer, that one that wrote for Lucia Ball. 0.97

01:24:18.000 Did you read Belzer's book? 0.99

01:24:20.000 Who?

01:24:20.000 Richard Belzer.

01:24:21.000 No.

01:24:22.000 He had a book on stand-up comedy.

01:24:24.000 I read the book by Lenny Bruce. 0.99

01:24:26.000 Ladies and gentlemen, when he lived at the Chelsea Hotel and he fucking did heroin at night with jazz musicians. 0.97

01:24:32.000 Oh yeah, that's a great book. 0.98

01:24:33.000 That put me over the top.

01:24:34.000 But I thought stand-up was something that you became...

01:24:36.000 I didn't know you had to work on it.

01:24:38.000 That's what I'm trying to say to you.

01:24:39.000 I thought that when people went up on stage to shoot a special, like Joe Rogan's here, tell them we got cameras.

01:24:44.000 Really?

01:24:45.000 Alright, tell them to go on stage.

01:24:47.000 I thought when you shot a special, you just went up and talked for 30 minutes.

01:24:50.000 I didn't know there was any preparation.

01:24:51.000 I didn't really have anything to go by.

01:24:56.000 I went in there and I understand the process now.

01:24:59.000 I think three months, not even, like a month later I was back in Colorado.

01:25:02.000 And I was determined to get on stage every night.

01:25:05.000 This is what I was gonna do.

01:25:06.000 This is what I'm going for.

01:25:08.000 This is how I'm gonna do it, you know?

01:25:10.000 These are the clubs I'm gonna work. 0.99

01:25:12.000 I had no, no idea what the fuck was. 0.98

01:25:15.000 I would just go on stage loosely. 0.98

01:25:17.000 I would write whatever I could and just go on stage loosely.

01:25:21.000 I never knew that you built from that.

01:25:22.000 I didn't know all these things.

01:25:25.000 So I keep thinking about 93. I lived in a fucking room with my buddy who did heroin. 0.99

01:25:30.000 I had one white shirt. 0.99

01:25:32.000 I would sell cars on 11th Avenue down there, you know, New York City.

01:25:36.000 I had one white shirt, and I would wear the same shirt every day.

01:25:40.000 I would have to come home, jump in the shower, and I would wash my shirt in the shower. 0.98

01:25:44.000 And I would hang it up, and then I would iron it every fucking day. 0.97

01:25:48.000 I was just a struggling open-miker. 0.98

01:25:50.000 I was driving a limo some days.

01:25:52.000 Some days I would sell cars.

01:25:54.000 Some days I would pass out packages for AT&T and get $400 a week.

01:25:59.000 I was just putting it together, man.

01:26:02.000 And it just seemed so interesting.

01:26:06.000 I had no illusions of grandeur, bro.

01:26:09.000 I just wanted to do something with my life.

01:26:11.000 I wasn't I just wanted to do something, you know, so this is why I keep thinking about how fucking 23 years later I shot a special and Just it just goes back to what you did You know I had one I would have to I wouldn't have to be at work till 10 some days,

01:26:30.000 but I would take the 6 a.m.

01:26:31.000 Bus Because if I took the 6 a.m.

01:26:33.000 Bus my friend with the steroids his father was a bus driver He'd let me ride to the city for free So I would take the 6 a.m.

01:26:41.000 bus so I could save those $3. 0.98

01:26:42.000 That's how fucking poor I was. 0.99

01:26:45.000 And then to get home, I would fucking go into service. 0.99

01:26:48.000 When I would sell cars, I would go into the service at 9 o'clock and I would steal change from people's cars. 0.99

01:26:53.000 That's how I got home. 0.99

01:26:55.000 I would bring just enough money for lunch between rent, child support, clothes, reefer, cocaine, and the fucking... 0.99

01:27:03.000 I wasn't even doing a lot of coke then. 0.94

01:27:05.000 If my buddies had it, I would have to do it because I was just trying to do comedy, you know?

01:27:09.000 And you think about in the beginning what you really went through, you know, how you delivered papers, right?

01:27:15.000 You delivered papers or whatever.

01:27:18.000 And to see you now, it's such a big difference, but I never saw this.

01:27:21.000 I never saw the...

01:27:22.000 The tail end of this.

01:27:24.000 I just wanted to do something.

01:27:25.000 Yeah, when you see someone that's already doing comedy clubs and headlining places and you're just starting out, it doesn't seem that far away.

01:27:33.000 It's like, oh, all I need to do is just get an act together and I can do what he's doing.

01:27:37.000 How come I can't do it?

01:27:38.000 And you think you can.

01:27:39.000 And then it takes years.

01:27:41.000 Like somebody tried to tell me once that it took 10 years for you to become a real headliner.

01:27:45.000 I'm like, that's crazy.

01:27:46.000 That's crazy.

01:27:47.000 I was headlining in two years.

01:27:48.000 Get out of here.

01:27:49.000 But it really does.

01:27:50.000 It really does.

01:27:51.000 Because something happens ten years in, you know, or maybe you're smarter than me.

01:27:56.000 Maybe it would only take you a couple.

01:27:58.000 But for me, it was like ten years in. 0.99

01:28:00.000 I get a better understanding of what the fuck I'm doing. 0.96

01:28:02.000 Like, oh, I kind of get it now. 0.99

01:28:04.000 I kind of get it now.

01:28:05.000 But you still don't see it the way you would see it if it wasn't you.

01:28:08.000 If you know as much as you know about stand-up and you could watch yourself...

01:28:13.000 Not be you you would be able to fix a lot of things with your act But a lot of the things with your act like you kind of shield yourself Because you're just trying to get it to work. 0.98

01:28:23.000 You're just trying to put it together, you know and a lot of times you're not even aware of How the joke is coming off to other people because you're doing it yourself You're too caught up in the idea of delivering it to understand what it's like to receive it And it takes a long fucking time to figure out. 0.99

01:28:40.000 And still to this day, I fuck it up. 0.96

01:28:43.000 Especially when I'm working on new bits.

01:28:46.000 Because you've got to take these weird chances with new bits.

01:28:48.000 You've got to start premises maybe that you don't know where they're going and let it under pressure of stage sometimes come out.

01:28:57.000 Especially when you're working out at the store and trying to come up with new stuff.

01:29:01.000 Under the pressure of being on stage, you can sort of like every now and then pop an idea through.

01:29:06.000 Every now and then a new tagline comes through that makes you laugh and a new moment comes through.

01:29:11.000 And if you don't invest in those moments of doing those bits on stage, you never fucking know. 0.98

01:29:16.000 And if you don't take those chances, if you just keep doing the same shit over and over again, you don't take those chances. 0.98

01:29:21.000 You don't know whether or not you could go down those roads. 0.99

01:29:24.000 Dog, I didn't become a headliner until 18 years.

01:29:27.000 That's when I felt comfortable headlining.

01:29:29.000 That's crazy.

01:29:29.000 I had 40 minutes of six years, 45 minutes.

01:29:32.000 I love when guys look at you and go, well, I got an hour. 0.99

01:29:35.000 The big difference of being a fucking headliner, my friend, okay? 0.98

01:29:39.000 This weekend, there's a great fight on the card. 0.98

01:29:41.000 It's Pettis, whatever big Pettis against Anthony Pettis versus Max Holloway. 0.97

01:29:47.000 Right, so you look at Max Holloway, he's nine in a row, fucking hits hard, heart of a line, crazy. 0.94

01:29:53.000 Pettis has something called experience. 0.97

01:29:56.000 He's been in there with Benson Henderson. 0.99

01:29:58.000 He's been in there with some big fucking names. 0.99

01:30:00.000 He's been in championship fights when the lights matter and shit like that. 0.99

01:30:04.000 That's called experience. 0.98

01:30:06.000 That experience is so fucking crucial. 0.98

01:30:09.000 That experience is so crucial. 0.97

01:30:11.000 At the store, I am very proud to be a store comic because of all those years of doing those late spites.

01:30:17.000 So are you.

01:30:18.000 I get myself out of any situation.

01:30:20.000 I get myself out of any situation.

01:30:23.000 When you're a plumber, when you're a roofer, okay?

01:30:27.000 Every day the job is the same. 1.00

01:30:28.000 You're gonna fucking roof. 0.98

01:30:29.000 Why you're paying me 25 instead of 15 is because I know how to get around the problems. 1.00

01:30:35.000 When you come to me and go, The fucking pipe there. 0.99

01:30:39.000 I gotta flash it and stop. 1.00

01:30:40.000 This is a piece of cake.

01:30:42.000 I'll just build a box around it.

01:30:43.000 You follow me?

01:30:44.000 It's the same thing with comedy.

01:30:46.000 I knew I could do an hour, but I always felt like that Penzoil commercial.

01:30:51.000 You can either pay me now, or you can pay me later. 1.00

01:30:54.000 I love those motherfuckers that come out here and go, bitch, I was a headliner four years. 1.00

01:30:59.000 I'm a regular at the store. 1.00

01:31:01.000 You know what?

01:31:02.000 They're gonna get it at the store one night.

01:31:05.000 They're gonna get it.

01:31:06.000 They're gonna have to follow somebody who they're not ready for, and because they've only been doing comedy six years, it's gonna hurt them a little more than it would hurt me and you.

01:31:16.000 Dog, I know there's a 50-50 shot.

01:31:19.000 Every day I write jokes, I prepare them, and I know I'm gonna go up there.

01:31:22.000 And do the best I can, but sometimes that don't pan out the way, you know?

01:31:26.000 And sometimes there's a girl in there before you that's having a great night.

01:31:30.000 Every other night she's bombed.

01:31:32.000 Tonight, she blows up that place. 1.00

01:31:35.000 And you gotta go up there and figure a way around it. 0.96

01:31:38.000 That's when the experience fucks you up. 0.66

01:31:40.000 That's when I could... 0.93

01:31:41.000 You could blow up that room, and I'll tell you what, I may not be able to follow you, but I would get a few laughs where 10 years ago I wasn't getting anything.

01:31:49.000 Because I was caught up in the lights, and let's keep it going for Joe one more time.

01:31:53.000 Isn't he funny? 0.69

01:31:54.000 And now you're dead.

01:31:55.000 You were worried.

01:31:56.000 But if you go up there and just run with that energy, it's experience in my world. 0.96

01:32:01.000 You know, I didn't make any big decisions until I got fucking... 0.67

01:32:04.000 I could feel the difference on stage. 0.89

01:32:06.000 Now, 25 years, you could do anything.

01:32:08.000 You're John Jack Machado.

01:32:09.000 You ever see John Jack roll?

01:32:10.000 He talks to you.

01:32:12.000 Yeah.

01:32:12.000 He talks to Joe and rolls with me.

01:32:15.000 Hey, answer the phone.

01:32:16.000 Go whatever.

01:32:17.000 He doesn't even know.

01:32:19.000 Because he's been doing it for 20 years.

01:32:20.000 I just saw a guy, a Marcelo Garcia guy did a seminar.

01:32:26.000 And he goes, for years, I just put myself in the half guard.

01:32:30.000 He goes, I can feel anything you're going to do.

01:32:32.000 He goes, even when you're going to pop that leg over to get away, he goes, I'll just catch you with this leg and put you. 0.72

01:32:37.000 Now I got your neck. 1.00

01:32:38.000 It's amazing.

01:32:39.000 I go, how'd you get that good? 0.99

01:32:40.000 He goes, I put myself in half guard every fucking day for 10 years. 0.98

01:32:45.000 I know exactly what reaction you're going to do. 0.99

01:32:47.000 It's called experience, Chuck.

01:32:49.000 I never had the hard times I've had at the comedy store.

01:32:54.000 When you're dying at a club and it's a feature, headliner, MC club, you have momentum to pick yourself back up.

01:33:02.000 So if I go over there and die for 10 minutes, I could get onto something and gradually work them back.

01:33:09.000 At the store, you don't have that grace. 0.99

01:33:11.000 You have 15 fucking minutes. 1.00

01:33:12.000 And once you die at the store for seven minutes, it's like the fucking Roman Coliseum. 1.00

01:33:17.000 You're running with that. 0.99

01:33:18.000 There ain't no gum back from the store.

01:33:20.000 The store, I've never had a medium set at the store. 1.00

01:33:23.000 I either do great or I fucking die. 0.99

01:33:25.000 I die most of the time. 0.98

01:33:27.000 But, you know what I'm saying to you?

01:33:29.000 I mean, the store, there's no coming back.

01:33:31.000 You don't have 20 minutes to work yourself out of this situation.

01:33:34.000 They also know there's a bunch of people coming next.

01:33:36.000 Who's next?

01:33:37.000 Who's next?

01:33:38.000 Who's next?

01:33:38.000 What else we gotta see?

01:33:40.000 You know, sometimes you'll see someone that's just...

01:33:43.000 On a normal night, maybe their ideas would work, but tonight it's not going to work because there's just been too many different people on before them, and then it's just they've seen too much.

01:33:54.000 That's one of those things where those late-night spots are so important.

01:33:57.000 I wonder if that exists in music, too.

01:33:59.000 I wonder if in music it helps the performers if they get occasionally a real small crowd.

01:34:04.000 They have to sing for a crowd of 15, 20 people.

01:34:08.000 I wonder if that lets you get in your own head better.

01:34:12.000 But we're to the point in our lives, especially those first six years at the Comedy Store, 1245, you've got to assume there's going to be 17 people in the audience.

01:34:22.000 If you're lucky.

01:34:23.000 If you're lucky. 0.99

01:34:23.000 And you have to say something that they haven't heard if they sat there all fucking night. 0.99

01:34:28.000 They've heard everything. 0.99

01:34:29.000 They've heard everything topical.

01:34:31.000 And it would force you to go out of your realm.

01:34:33.000 I love it.

01:34:34.000 You know, when we shot, we were talking about specials, shooting specials.

01:34:38.000 When I shot the first show, I died because I was too worried about my material.

01:34:43.000 I really bought into Jerry Seinfeld. 0.94

01:34:45.000 Then I remembered what the fuck I am, the second show, and now you get it back. 0.97

01:34:50.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:34:51.000 There's so many different focuses. 0.99

01:34:53.000 25 years, you shoot a special, and you're still fucking up? 0.99

01:34:56.000 Come on, Joe. 0.99

01:34:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:34:57.000 Hey, dawg, this is why I love this, because I learn something new every fucking day. 0.95

01:35:02.000 Well, as long as you have new subjects to talk about, you're going to have new ideas, so you're going to have new bits, so you're going to have work to do. 0.97

01:35:10.000 They're not going to be done.

01:35:12.000 They're not done right away.

01:35:13.000 You've got to go over them.

01:35:14.000 You've got to listen to recordings.

01:35:16.000 There's a lot going on.

01:35:18.000 It's weird in that if you go to see the Rolling Stones, you want to hear brown sugar.

01:35:23.000 You want to hear sympathy for the devil. 1.00

01:35:25.000 If I go to see you, I want to hear some new shit. 0.99

01:35:28.000 You know, it's just the way it is for our business. 0.99

01:35:30.000 But it's also so exciting, you know? 0.99

01:35:35.000 I mean, it's such a fun fucking thing to do. 0.94

01:35:37.000 Well, there's two trains of thought to this that are really interesting. 0.96

01:35:42.000 Because I did something this year that I knew I couldn't pull off.

01:35:46.000 Like, there's no way.

01:35:47.000 What?

01:35:47.000 For me, I can only shoot a special every 18 months.

01:35:50.000 Like, my next special.

01:35:51.000 There's no way.

01:35:52.000 Once I looked at the product from the special, I knew that those jokes could have still had six more months of working on them.

01:35:59.000 You follow me?

01:36:00.000 That's the problem we have, too. 0.99

01:36:02.000 There's a joke I close with that I've been doing now for two years just because people say, hey, I came to see you didn't do that fucking joke. 0.97

01:36:08.000 And I've noticed how good that joke has become. 0.94

01:36:11.000 And every two weeks, I had a tag for that joke, even though it's still fucking old when I do it. 0.61

01:36:16.000 This is exactly what Tom Papa said on Monday. 0.60

01:36:19.000 Exact same thing.

01:36:20.000 It bothers me to no end.

01:36:22.000 You know, I put a CD out a couple years ago, and I liked the bit I did, but that bit was not finished.

01:36:28.000 I didn't know at the time.

01:36:29.000 Right.

01:36:30.000 I didn't know at the time.

01:36:31.000 It's ready. 0.99

01:36:32.000 Fuck no, I've added 10 minutes to that bit in the last fucking year. 0.99

01:36:35.000 Just because I liked it so much, there's something in there. 1.00

01:36:38.000 What the fuck did I do? 0.98

01:36:39.000 I just let it go. 0.99

01:36:40.000 So there's a train of thought there, and I didn't know this.

01:36:43.000 Listen, when I come to see you every year, I want you to have 30 new minutes of material.

01:36:47.000 Something had to happen in your life.

01:36:49.000 But what you're telling me is, you can make that joke better, run it by me.

01:36:52.000 Let's see what else you added to it.

01:36:54.000 Let's see what else you added to it.

01:36:57.000 And that's what I'm going to continue to do now.

01:36:59.000 Those jokes that I had from the special, guess what?

01:37:01.000 I'll put them away now.

01:37:02.000 But I'll bring them back in a year, and I'll add different tags.

01:37:06.000 And even if every time you do a long set, just bring one bit back out of six and do it, they're going to strengthen.

01:37:13.000 And one day you're going to be able to do three hours. 0.95

01:37:16.000 I don't fucking know. 0.95

01:37:17.000 But I'm just saying it's nice. 0.89

01:37:19.000 Those bits are never done.

01:37:21.000 That's a mistake I made on the first two albums.

01:37:23.000 Those bits are never done.

01:37:24.000 But they're done sometimes, right?

01:37:26.000 Sometimes you get to them when you're like, I don't even want to do this anymore.

01:37:28.000 Oh, no.

01:37:29.000 When you're done, you're done.

01:37:30.000 That's why I didn't call for spots this week, no.

01:37:32.000 I'm done.

01:37:32.000 I went to Portland last week.

01:37:34.000 I'm done.

01:37:35.000 I'm done.

01:37:35.000 You just decided to take some time off.

01:37:37.000 Recharge.

01:37:38.000 You need to recharge.

01:37:39.000 You need to rewrite.

01:37:40.000 You need to do a couple things.

01:37:42.000 You need to get...

01:37:43.000 Sometimes when you do too much comedy in a row, you go to stuff.

01:37:48.000 I want to deprogram myself.

01:37:52.000 Before the special, I didn't want to keep saying I'm coming on the feet.

01:37:54.000 I didn't want to keep doing a jute.

01:37:57.000 So I'd stop deprogramming yourself.

01:37:59.000 You've got to break those bad habits.

01:38:01.000 You've got to break that habit.

01:38:02.000 The only way to break that habit is to forget about it.

01:38:04.000 At least when it comes to comedy.

01:38:06.000 I want to forget about it.

01:38:07.000 And I won't do it no more. 0.97

01:38:10.000 I had a lot of promotion shit this week. 0.99

01:38:12.000 I had a ton of shit. 1.00

01:38:14.000 It's Christmas. 1.00

01:38:15.000 I gotta take it to the zoo at night for the fucking lights. 0.99

01:38:18.000 So I said, this is a great week to do it. 0.98

01:38:20.000 But I've learned a lot, man, from shooting this that no special's ever done.

01:38:25.000 That's why we want to hear.

01:38:26.000 If you go see the Stones, you might be disappointed sometimes.

01:38:30.000 Because sometimes the Stones will play a song It don't sound like what you were used to listening to it. 0.55

01:38:35.000 Because over the years, they added this fucking whole thing on the road to it, which you'll never hear because you didn't go. 0.71

01:38:43.000 Yeah, you definitely can hear that sometimes. 0.96

01:38:45.000 People do live versions of something.

01:38:46.000 They put a whole new twist to it.

01:38:48.000 Like that band Honey Honey, they do that all the time.

01:38:51.000 They'll do a song and it's like it's a different version of a song that I've heard on their CD. I think going to see live bands is good for us, too.

01:39:00.000 Excellent for us.

01:39:01.000 Yeah.

01:39:01.000 First of all, let's be honest.

01:39:03.000 You know, when you're there, I was watching something.

01:39:05.000 What was that?

01:39:06.000 Oh! 0.60

01:39:06.000 I was watching a video of Johnny Cash's. 0.60

01:39:10.000 Okay, and I had to ask myself this question. 0.94

01:39:12.000 I go, Joe Dears, as a comedian, you're gonna fucking tell me that a little bit of Johnny Cash isn't in me. 0.93

01:39:20.000 That's how I wanted it. 0.97

01:39:21.000 I wanted Johnny Cash. 0.93

01:39:24.000 I want a little bit of the Allman Brothers, that dirty.

01:39:27.000 I want you to know this could get dirty quick.

01:39:29.000 Yeah.

01:39:30.000 This could be quick. 1.00

01:39:31.000 This could be zero to a hundred quick in this motherfucker. 0.99

01:39:34.000 I want a little Leonard Skinner than my comedy. 1.00

01:39:37.000 That singer, the way he looks at you and shit. 0.99

01:39:40.000 It's just a Saturday night. 1.00

01:39:42.000 Splish.

01:39:43.000 My comedy has Julius Erving in it.

01:39:47.000 My comedy has Richard Pryor.

01:39:49.000 You've got Lenny Bruce in it. 0.99

01:39:51.000 Any band, I like the fucking thunder of Led Zeppelin. 0.98

01:39:55.000 That thunder, have you watched Led Zeppelin from the garden? 1.00

01:39:58.000 There's no fucking lights or explosions or midgets running around. 1.00

01:40:03.000 It's just four dirty white motherfuckers laying it on you. 1.00

01:40:06.000 I like the fucking Led Zeppelin effect in my stand-up. 1.00

01:40:10.000 It all mixes in there, but Johnny Cash is definitely in my stand-up. 0.99

01:40:14.000 For sure.

01:40:14.000 Definitely!

01:40:15.000 That shit, definitely! 1.00

01:40:17.000 Everything you've ever seen that's made you feel good gets in there. 1.00

01:40:21.000 Absolutely. 0.73

01:40:21.000 Abso-fucking-lutely. 0.73

01:40:22.000 Everything. 0.95

01:40:23.000 Movies, everything.

01:40:25.000 How much do you know about Roddy Dangerfield?

01:40:29.000 Half and half.

01:40:30.000 We're trying to figure out when, what, there's a bunch of different stories of the no respect, like when he changed it to no respect. 0.95

01:40:36.000 Someone was telling me it was from a fucking movie, that a movie came out, and then after that movie he started saying no respect. 0.95

01:40:43.000 I don't care, no respect, no respect at all. 0.98

01:40:46.000 That guy was awesome.

01:40:48.000 I'm so glad I got to meet him.

01:40:50.000 I got to meet him.

01:40:52.000 Apparently he was still doing coke.

01:40:54.000 He was like seven years old.

01:40:56.000 He was hanging out with this 40 year old hot broad. 0.95

01:41:01.000 Having a great time. 1.00

01:41:03.000 Bitch, I got a call to go to a fucking audition one day. 1.00

01:41:06.000 And I go, what am I reading for? 1.00

01:41:08.000 And they go, you're reading for the new Rodney movie.

01:41:12.000 I go down to the sunset right by the tequila hut there before we hit the comedy store.

01:41:17.000 There's that little tequila at that light there.

01:41:20.000 50 feet in.

01:41:21.000 I went in there and I walked in the room.

01:41:23.000 And who's in the room but Rodney Dangerfield, though? 0.99

01:41:25.000 This is the motherfucker I waited a year for to see Easy Money. 1.00

01:41:30.000 Because in my world, Easy Money is fucking tremendous. 1.00

01:41:33.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:41:34.000 I went to the... 1.00

01:41:34.000 I don't drink. 1.00

01:41:36.000 You just said it yourself.

01:41:37.000 Joey don't drink. 0.98

01:41:38.000 I took an eight pack of Budweiser nips to see fucking easy money, okay? 0.89

01:41:43.000 What's a Budweiser nip? 0.98

01:41:44.000 The smaller ones?

01:41:45.000 The eight ounce ones.

01:41:46.000 I was cracking the things and flicking it.

01:41:48.000 I was having a good time at Rodney, okay?

01:41:50.000 I walk into this room and here's Rodney Dangerfield.

01:41:53.000 I'm gonna read for Rodney Dangerfield.

01:41:55.000 I get the things.

01:41:57.000 How are you?

01:41:58.000 Good to see you.

01:41:58.000 You know, whatever.

01:41:59.000 I didn't overly, oh, it's you the reason why I'm here. 0.99

01:42:02.000 I didn't say none of that shit. 0.99

01:42:03.000 I just read, bro. 0.99

01:42:04.000 And he goes, listen, I really like your read.

01:42:07.000 The role you read for is already cast.

01:42:10.000 But do me a favor, just show up.

01:42:13.000 Did you know that, Joe?

01:42:14.000 So he goes, just show up.

01:42:16.000 He called the house.

01:42:18.000 My wife answered she was dating me.

01:42:20.000 She goes, you know, Rodney called here before.

01:42:22.000 I go, what did he say?

01:42:22.000 She goes, to go to Hollywood Studios tomorrow at 8 in the morning.

01:42:27.000 I go, did I get the role?

01:42:28.000 He didn't say.

01:42:29.000 I called my agent.

01:42:30.000 My agent goes, nah, he's going to find something for you.

01:42:34.000 Just show up.

01:42:35.000 That's how much he dug me.

01:42:37.000 Seven days I worked on this movie, Doug.

01:42:40.000 Wow.

01:42:41.000 It's the worst movie of all time.

01:42:43.000 Only Comedy Central airs it once a year like at four in the morning.

01:42:46.000 It's called Back by Midnight.

01:42:48.000 I play JoJo.

01:42:50.000 Back by Midnight?

01:42:51.000 And we're all in prison.

01:42:54.000 Yeah.

01:43:18.000 Come on in.

01:43:19.000 And he'd sign, and he'd go, all right, see you tomorrow night. 0.99

01:43:22.000 And that was my job for seven fucking days, bro. 0.99

01:43:26.000 He was old. 1.00

01:43:27.000 He couldn't remember his lines.

01:43:29.000 They had to read him the lines off camera, and then he would say the lines over again.

01:43:34.000 But for me, it meant the world, man. 0.99

01:43:36.000 That's Rodney fucking Dangerfield, man. 0.98

01:43:38.000 That's huge. 0.99

01:43:40.000 Yeah, he's...

01:43:40.000 I mean, when you think about all-time influential figures, with his Rodney Dangerfield specials, he introduced the world to some of the greatest of all time.

01:43:49.000 Greatest.

01:43:50.000 Greatest.

01:43:51.000 And not a lot of people would ever do something like that.

01:43:54.000 Yeah.

01:43:54.000 A lot of comedians would never do...

01:43:56.000 Have you ever heard some of the backstories to that?

01:43:59.000 To the HBO specials?

01:44:00.000 Yeah.

01:44:00.000 No, to the Rodney things, like how he got into it with...

01:44:05.000 He got into it with, uh, what's his name?

01:44:07.000 Because Dice wears leather jackets.

01:44:09.000 Barry Sobel.

01:44:10.000 Right.

01:44:11.000 You know, he stuck up for comics.

01:44:12.000 Right. 0.99

01:44:13.000 Like, I hate working at clubs where it's a comedy, a comic-owned club, and they treat you like a, like, Dick, you ain't some fucking dude from Missouri. 0.99

01:44:21.000 Right. 0.99

01:44:22.000 You're a comic.

01:44:22.000 How can you treat me like this?

01:44:24.000 Like, he really fought for comics, you know?

01:44:26.000 And there was one story where Barry Sobel wanted to wear a leather jacket.

01:44:30.000 And he kept arguing with him, and he goes, Dog, you know Dice wears the leather. 0.99

01:44:34.000 Knock it the fuck off. 0.99

01:44:35.000 Go get a sweater. 0.99

01:44:39.000 That would suck, though, if you're Barry Sova and you wear a leather jacket all the time.

01:44:43.000 I think he ended up wearing the leather in the special.

01:44:45.000 I don't know if you remember.

01:44:46.000 He did.

01:44:47.000 Didn't he have, like, a members-only jacket made out of leather?

01:44:49.000 Something, something.

01:44:52.000 Just amazing when you're around those people. 0.94

01:44:55.000 When I was around Rodney that week, it was just fucking great. 0.91

01:44:57.000 He told Paul Rodriguez, kept on doing impersonation of him. 0.97

01:45:01.000 He goes, go ahead, do another impersonation.

01:45:03.000 I'm going to fire you and replace you with George Lopez. 1.00

01:45:06.000 He would say shit the rest of the week. 1.00

01:45:08.000 Dick. 1.00

01:45:10.000 Rodney wasn't fucking around. 1.00

01:45:12.000 He was still smoking dope. 0.99

01:45:14.000 He was still smoking dope all day.

01:45:16.000 Walk around the set with a joint in his hand.

01:45:18.000 You gotta love it.

01:45:19.000 Wow.

01:45:21.000 Did you ever see when he was going on stage with a bathrobe on?

01:45:24.000 No.

01:45:26.000 He did a lot of shows where he was naked with a bathrobe on. 1.00

01:45:30.000 When he'd go on stage with fucking slippers, he would slide up to the stage, just fucking walk up to the microphone and do his entire hour with a fucking bathrobe on with nothing underneath. 0.99

01:45:43.000 I was working as a security guard at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts. 1.00

01:45:47.000 Great Woods is like the concert place.

01:45:49.000 There's an outside amphitheater and, you know, there's a covering of some...

01:45:54.000 Part of the area is covered and the back area is exposed.

01:45:56.000 It's the lawn.

01:45:57.000 And Rodney played there. 1.00

01:45:58.000 You know, it's a big fucking place. 1.00

01:46:00.000 Like Bon Jovi played there. 1.00

01:46:01.000 I saw Bill Cosby there.

01:46:03.000 I saw Kinnison there.

01:46:05.000 And Rodney...

01:46:07.000 I didn't see... 1.00

01:46:08.000 Fucking man, Bill Cosby's there. 1.00

01:46:09.000 I wasn't paying attention to him. 1.00

01:46:11.000 He was there and I didn't watch.

01:46:13.000 I saw him there, he was there, I barely paid attention.

01:46:17.000 I just wasn't into...

01:46:19.000 I thought of him as a clean comedian.

01:46:22.000 I was 19, you know?

01:46:24.000 I was too crazy. 1.00

01:46:25.000 But Rodney was in the back, and one of the guys who works for us goes, dude, he goes, Rodney's back there, his dick and his balls are hanging out of his fucking back room, he doesn't give a shit. 1.00

01:46:35.000 They don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:46:36.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:46:37.000 I go, he's got no pants on. 1.00

01:46:38.000 He's got nothing on.

01:46:39.000 And I saw him walking around with the bathrobe.

01:46:42.000 I remember looking down this hall towards the back area where the backstage is.

01:46:47.000 And I'm seeing Roddy Dangerfield's green room and he's walking around with his bathrobe. 0.98

01:46:51.000 I'm like, that is fucking amazing. 0.96

01:46:55.000 He would go on stage. 0.99

01:46:56.000 I remember him going on stage.

01:46:58.000 I remember him killing too.

01:46:59.000 They loved him.

01:47:01.000 Yeah.

01:47:01.000 We loved him.

01:47:02.000 You know, he was an old man. 1.00

01:47:03.000 I didn't give a fuck. 0.99

01:47:05.000 Not to interrupt you, the other day I saw a thing on, somebody posted this. 0.99

01:47:09.000 It was Frank Sinatra on The Tonight Show and Don Rickles came on.

01:47:13.000 Oh yeah?

01:47:14.000 Did he torture him?

01:47:15.000 Todd Rickles is amazing.

01:47:18.000 What year is it from?

01:47:20.000 First off, Sinatra's so badass. 0.99

01:47:23.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:47:24.000 Tremendous. 0.99

01:47:25.000 Listen, man.

01:47:26.000 The dude, I watched those two things on HBO about him and I fell in love with him.

01:47:32.000 I don't care about all his behavior problems.

01:47:34.000 I watched it. 1.00

01:47:35.000 It meant that's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:47:38.000 What behavior problems did he have? 1.00

01:47:41.000 I don't know, like... 1.00

01:47:42.000 He just fucking didn't put up with this Gentile shit. 1.00

01:47:45.000 Look at him. 1.00

01:47:45.000 Watch this. 1.00

01:47:46.000 Watch this, Joe Rogan.

01:47:47.000 Crank this up.

01:47:47.000 Yeah, crank this up.

01:47:49.000 Look at him with his boots on and shit. 0.99

01:47:51.000 He got boots. 1.00

01:47:52.000 Look at him.

01:47:58.000 Can they hear the audio?

01:48:00.000 No.

01:48:00.000 No, the people can't?

01:48:01.000 Oh.

01:48:02.000 Give them a little audio.

01:48:05.000 Why can't they?

01:48:07.000 This will definitely get pulled from YouTube.

01:48:10.000 Alright, folks.

01:48:10.000 Unfortunately, you're gonna have to...

01:48:12.000 If you're watching this on YouTube, you'll have to listen to the audio version of it.

01:48:16.000 It's called...

01:48:17.000 What's the name of it?

01:48:19.000 Frank Sinatra is surprised by Don Rickles at Johnny Carson's show.

01:48:23.000 Watch this, Joe Rodin.

01:48:24.000 How old do you think Johnny was here?

01:48:27.000 Watch this, Joe.

01:48:29.000 Both of them gotta be 60. Watch this motherfucker, though. 1.00

01:48:33.000 Don Rickles. 1.00

01:48:33.000 Watch this. 1.00

01:48:34.000 Look at that face.

01:48:37.000 This is the best.

01:48:38.000 Jiroga, Jiroga, Jiroga, what? 0.59

01:48:40.000 He's an animal.

01:48:42.000 He walks in.

01:48:45.000 When he takes his hand away.

01:48:47.000 He drops down on his knees like he's kissing the king's hand.

01:48:50.000 How old is Sinatra then?

01:48:52.000 60?

01:48:52.000 I don't know.

01:48:53.000 Maybe 60. He's got the wig.

01:48:55.000 It's a light wig.

01:48:56.000 He never went too crazy with the wig.

01:49:00.000 He never went full Burt Reynolds.

01:49:05.000 There's no one hearing this, unfortunately.

01:49:07.000 They can't hear this on YouTube right now.

01:49:12.000 What's that?

01:49:15.000 Yeah, but the people on YouTube that are watching and will watch in the future can't hear it, right?

01:49:19.000 Let's just not do that.

01:49:20.000 It makes for a goofy thing.

01:49:23.000 But when they're at home, tell them to watch it.

01:49:25.000 These guys...

01:49:26.000 He's touring still, you know.

01:49:27.000 Yeah, he's 90s.

01:49:28.000 Don Rickles is down at the Canyon Club.

01:49:30.000 When?

01:49:31.000 Soon.

01:49:33.000 He's down at the Canyon Club with, what's his face, Regis.

01:49:36.000 Let's go.

01:49:37.000 Yeah, find out when that is.

01:49:38.000 Regis, the guy from TV? Yes.

01:49:41.000 Regis and Don Rickles are touring together.

01:49:43.000 They have a little act. 1.00

01:49:44.000 Fuck yeah, I'm going to that shit! 1.00

01:49:47.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

01:49:47.000 Find out when that is. 1.00

01:49:48.000 God, I hope it doesn't pass already. 1.00

01:49:51.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:49:52.000 Did it pass already? 0.99

01:49:53.000 They have a billboard on the 101. If you're coming back from Thousand Oaks, you can see it on the 101 that shows all the different people there.

01:50:00.000 Ted Nugent's there once a year, every year around July.

01:50:03.000 Yeah, all the time.

01:50:07.000 She's good friends with him.

01:50:08.000 It's not the best place to do stand-up, because they make people stand in the back. 0.85

01:50:12.000 People get seated in the front, and they stand in the back.

01:50:15.000 A lot of people show up, though.

01:50:16.000 A lot of people were there for you last time.

01:50:17.000 A lot!

01:50:19.000 It already happened.

01:50:20.000 But that was the problem.

01:50:20.000 It already happened.

01:50:21.000 Yeah, November 18th. 1.00

01:50:22.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:50:24.000 But there was a lot of people there, but I had a deal with them. 1.00

01:50:27.000 I said, I only want to sell tickets to the people that get to sit down.

01:50:31.000 I go, as soon as you run out of seated tickets, I go, stop selling tickets.

01:50:35.000 And the guy kept filling the place.

01:50:37.000 I go, what are you doing?

01:50:37.000 He goes, well, people are still buying tickets.

01:50:39.000 I go, well, stop selling them.

01:50:40.000 Like, you have a deal.

01:50:41.000 Like, the contract is you're not supposed to have people standing up.

01:50:44.000 Like, I was going to get less money so that people could have a seat, because it would be better.

01:50:49.000 It's better.

01:50:49.000 It's a lot better.

01:50:50.000 And he's like, yeah, but we're still selling tickets.

01:50:52.000 I'm like, alright, we're done. 0.99

01:50:53.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 0.99

01:50:54.000 Like, you know what the contract is, dude. 1.00

01:50:56.000 Like, they just decided to smoosh everybody in there.

01:50:59.000 It's just not as fun to stand around and watch comedy.

01:51:02.000 I realized that when I went to see Doug once.

01:51:03.000 Doug was doing a lot of those bar shows, standing room shows. 0.99

01:51:07.000 And I went there, and as much as I love Doug, and it was like concrete, some place in Hollywood, we were standing there, my fucking, your legs start hurting. 0.99

01:51:15.000 Like, this is not fun. 0.99

01:51:16.000 I don't want to just stand here.

01:51:18.000 I want to sit down.

01:51:19.000 Like, you don't enjoy it as much if you're not sitting down.

01:51:22.000 And you start talking.

01:51:23.000 Yes.

01:51:24.000 And the conscience just goes away from the stand, and by the 40 minute mark, it's like a light talk.

01:51:29.000 Yep.

01:51:29.000 In the room.

01:51:30.000 Always.

01:51:30.000 And you can't blame them.

01:51:31.000 You could be throwing heat, but it happened a couple weeks ago at this thing.

01:51:35.000 I got there and they had 200 people standing up. 0.99

01:51:38.000 I'm going to argue with the fucking guy now. 0.99

01:51:40.000 There's nothing you can do. 1.00

01:51:41.000 I didn't even think about it.

01:51:42.000 And I could feel it on stage.

01:51:44.000 And you can work through it a little bit, but you feel it.

01:51:46.000 They're standing, man.

01:51:47.000 Remember when we used to do the House of Blues in Vegas?

01:51:50.000 Yep.

01:51:51.000 That whole back area was filled with people standing and talking.

01:51:54.000 And the two bars, a bar to the left and a bar to the right.

01:51:57.000 Chaos.

01:51:58.000 Chaos.

01:52:00.000 Just not a good place to do stand-up.

01:52:02.000 It's not the environment, but whatever.

01:52:06.000 Business is business. 0.99

01:52:07.000 They'll fucking sell them tickets. 1.00

01:52:09.000 They'll put them in the bathroom if they want to listen to it. 1.00

01:52:11.000 Yeah.

01:52:11.000 I wouldn't do that either.

01:52:13.000 I don't like it.

01:52:13.000 And a lot of those music shows, too, you gotta stand.

01:52:15.000 I remember years later, I'm like, no wonder I got people throwing punches and shit at Aerosmith one time, because I've been fucking standing, man. 0.94

01:52:23.000 Yeah, you get tired of it after a while. 0.98

01:52:24.000 At least you can dance around, you'll be okay. 0.99

01:52:27.000 Now at music shows, you sit down, and then you stand up, too, or you're on your feet the whole fucking... 0.98

01:52:31.000 I don't even know. 0.98

01:52:32.000 I don't know.

01:52:33.000 I've never been to those things. 0.99

01:52:35.000 Those music shows are just an excuse for people to get fucking hammered, go see a bunch of bands, wander around the desert, or wherever the fuck they are. 0.98

01:52:42.000 I'm not talking about those. 0.99

01:52:44.000 Coachella?

01:52:45.000 Yeah, no, no, no. 1.00

01:52:45.000 Just dust bowls and picking fucking dust out of your teeth and eyes. 1.00

01:52:50.000 And you gotta camp for three days. 1.00

01:52:53.000 I think Ari camped. 1.00

01:52:54.000 Didn't Ari do that? 1.00

01:52:56.000 He went to Coachella and camped.

01:52:57.000 Now, which one is Coachella?

01:52:59.000 The ones in California.

01:53:01.000 And then there's South by Southwest, which is in Austin.

01:53:04.000 There's a bunch of these little music festivals now.

01:53:07.000 I guess it's fun if you go to them.

01:53:09.000 I mean, it's got to be fun.

01:53:10.000 No, it's got to be fun.

01:53:11.000 You get to see a bunch of different people.

01:53:13.000 You're outside a few days.

01:53:14.000 You also have to be into it.

01:53:16.000 But when people want to invite you to those stand-up ones, do you ever go to stand-up festivals?

01:53:21.000 Do you do those?

01:53:22.000 I just did one.

01:53:22.000 What'd you do?

01:53:23.000 The Houston one?

01:53:24.000 How was that?

01:53:25.000 Great.

01:53:25.000 Was it?

01:53:26.000 It's a fairly new one, right?

01:53:27.000 Yeah.

01:53:28.000 How long have they been doing this one?

01:53:29.000 I think two or three years.

01:53:31.000 Man, Houston used to be a hub.

01:53:33.000 It used to be a hub.

01:53:36.000 Someone could figure out how to open up that old laugh stop in River Oaks.

01:53:39.000 And it's still there.

01:53:40.000 It's still there.

01:53:41.000 That's insane.

01:53:42.000 Empty.

01:53:42.000 That's insane.

01:53:43.000 It's still there, somebody said. 1.00

01:53:44.000 God damn it. 0.99

01:53:45.000 I don't know if they filled it in yet. 0.99

01:53:46.000 Someone should tell that Helium guy. 1.00

01:53:47.000 That motherfucker would go down there and scoop it up. 1.00

01:53:51.000 That was one of the best rooms ever. 1.00

01:53:53.000 Ever.

01:53:54.000 And just nothing's there now?

01:53:55.000 I don't think so.

01:53:56.000 I think that one club had it for a while.

01:53:59.000 One club was renting it out, and then...

01:54:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:54:03.000 I don't know what the fuck happened. 0.99

01:54:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:54:06.000 Didn't John Wessling have something to do with it for a while?

01:54:09.000 One of those guys.

01:54:10.000 One of those guys?

01:54:11.000 But those guys aren't even around no more.

01:54:13.000 It's a whole new regime.

01:54:15.000 Wow.

01:54:16.000 Those young guys are there running that festival.

01:54:18.000 It was a great festival.

01:54:19.000 They had some great names.

01:54:20.000 They had Tony Hinchcliffe.

01:54:22.000 I mean, we had a great time.

01:54:23.000 Do they have a scene?

01:54:25.000 Is it like they're a Houston scene now?

01:54:27.000 Yeah, but they're all younger.

01:54:28.000 It's all a lot younger.

01:54:30.000 Like, you see the new...

01:54:31.000 I'll tell you where I went.

01:54:33.000 That's the Houston of 99. Want me to tell you where it is now?

01:54:38.000 Portland, Oregon.

01:54:39.000 Really?

01:54:40.000 Portland, Oregon is the new big, I mean, comedy is at a whole, it's huge right now.

01:54:47.000 Comedy is huge right now.

01:54:48.000 You know, all these cities have one marquee room, two little underground rooms.

01:54:54.000 Those 200 ground rooms are selling out too.

01:54:56.000 Laugh Factory Chicago sells out.

01:54:58.000 Brian Morton, every Saturday with Feature X. Comedy's at an all-time high.

01:55:05.000 But Portland is at an all-time fucking high. 0.96

01:55:08.000 This is the fourth year in a row I've been there. 0.98

01:55:10.000 One or two with you before that.

01:55:12.000 It just keeps getting better and better.

01:55:15.000 And you hear who's like that.

01:55:17.000 I was there Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

01:55:20.000 Amy was there. 0.99

01:55:21.000 She sold that somewhere on fucking 12,000 seats. 1.00

01:55:24.000 I don't know what she did on Thursday night. 0.99

01:55:26.000 That just proves to you.

01:55:27.000 It's out.

01:55:28.000 It's out and about.

01:55:29.000 When you were in Columbus a few months ago, Hannibal Buress and Delia were in town.

01:55:33.000 I mean, this is every week, and all three shows were selling, you know, 2,000 seats.

01:55:38.000 Comedy is at an all-time high, but Portland is the Houston of 2,000.

01:55:43.000 You could see it.

01:55:45.000 You can see when people talk to you afterward, they come and they talk to you about comedy.

01:55:50.000 Like, I'm coming here to see Segura.

01:55:52.000 I'm coming here to see this guy.

01:55:53.000 I'm coming here to see that guy. 1.00

01:55:54.000 They're coming for fucking comedy, man. 1.00

01:55:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:58.000 They're a smart place. 1.00

01:56:00.000 Portland's a smart place and they appreciate art.

01:56:03.000 Same with Seattle.

01:56:05.000 Seattle's a very smart place.

01:56:06.000 Seattle's a notch above LA in a lot of ways.

01:56:10.000 Like when it comes to like, it's a smaller community.

01:56:14.000 The people are a little slicker.

01:56:16.000 They're just, they're not showbiz affected.

01:56:18.000 You know, they're more themselves.

01:56:19.000 I shouldn't say slicker.

01:56:21.000 I should say just smoother.

01:56:22.000 You know what I mean?

01:56:23.000 They're like more themselves.

01:56:24.000 Like, you know, they're not as affected.

01:56:27.000 Overall, it would be a great place if they developed a big scene.

01:56:30.000 I know they got the Comedy Underground there, and that other place is fantastic.

01:56:34.000 The Paula.

01:56:34.000 That's amazing.

01:56:35.000 And they've got some rooms.

01:56:37.000 They have a pool hall connected to it.

01:56:39.000 Really?

01:56:39.000 Yeah.

01:56:39.000 And they've got some other rooms, satellites around.

01:56:42.000 But I mean, that's everywhere now, from Indianapolis to everywhere.

01:56:46.000 Got some satellite rooms going on.

01:56:48.000 Comedy's big, man.

01:56:49.000 Yeah.

01:56:50.000 Comedy's getting big.

01:56:51.000 I mean, Helium does a secret show. 0.86

01:56:54.000 What's a secret show?

01:56:55.000 They don't know who the headliner is.

01:56:56.000 Really?

01:56:57.000 And they sell out. 1.00

01:56:58.000 No shit. 1.00

01:56:59.000 No, no. 1.00

01:57:00.000 Philadelphia and Portland, Oregon.

01:57:02.000 Wednesday night.

01:57:03.000 You ever want to do it, just call the guy and go, I want a secret show.

01:57:06.000 I want to work out in front of a real...

01:57:07.000 Wow.

01:57:08.000 They don't know.

01:57:08.000 So you're going to get Joe Rogan peeping?

01:57:10.000 You're going to get peeping or not?

01:57:11.000 Wow.

01:57:12.000 Sell out!

01:57:13.000 We don't even know who the headliner is.

01:57:15.000 And they know.

01:57:16.000 They trust that club.

01:57:17.000 Yeah.

01:57:18.000 We just know it's going to be one of the guys who's here during the week.

01:57:20.000 Ari did it. 0.99

01:57:21.000 In Philly, sold out.

01:57:22.000 That's interesting.

01:57:23.000 Very.

01:57:24.000 That's a great concept.

01:57:25.000 That's a great idea.

01:57:26.000 You don't know who the headliner is.

01:57:27.000 That's a great idea.

01:57:28.000 It's going to be one of these 20 cats.

01:57:29.000 You don't know who it's going to be.

01:57:31.000 Yeah.

01:57:31.000 Strap a pair on.

01:57:32.000 Just pay for the show.

01:57:35.000 Yeah.

01:57:36.000 That's the opposite of Red Band's secret show.

01:57:38.000 He has a secret show and it put 30 people on the poster. 0.99

01:57:41.000 Like, what's the secret, bitch? 1.00

01:57:43.000 I'm looking at all the fucking people. 1.00

01:57:45.000 Plus surprise guests. 1.00

01:57:46.000 Oh, okay.

01:57:47.000 That's your secret.

01:57:48.000 Yeah.

01:57:49.000 The secret with him is, you don't know.

01:57:51.000 You don't know who the emcee is.

01:57:52.000 That's a real secret.

01:57:53.000 The feature or the headline.

01:57:54.000 Nobody knows.

01:57:55.000 He just comes up on stage Wednesday night.

01:57:58.000 Wow.

01:57:59.000 That's when you have a real reputation.

01:58:01.000 That's when you're telling me that you're just a fan of comedy.

01:58:05.000 You know what? 0.99

01:58:05.000 I just want to fucking laugh. 0.99

01:58:06.000 That's what you're telling me. 0.99

01:58:07.000 You know what?

01:58:07.000 I don't really like him.

01:58:08.000 I like him.

01:58:09.000 I don't really like him.

01:58:10.000 It's also a real good example of the reputation of the club.

01:58:15.000 They trust the club so much, the club has so many headliners connected to it, like real top-level headliners, that they know that you're in touch with these people all the time, and you'll put the right kind of person in there.

01:58:25.000 And they do it every week?

01:58:26.000 Once a month.

01:58:27.000 Once a month.

01:58:28.000 That's a great idea.

01:58:30.000 Yeah, Portland, Seattle, all those Pacific Northwest people.

01:58:35.000 It's a different vibe up there, you know?

01:58:38.000 That whole Pacific Northwest vibe is a different vibe.

01:58:42.000 I only seen the sun for two hours in three days.

01:58:46.000 The summertime, though, they're out.

01:58:48.000 They're out.

01:58:49.000 See, in the summer, it's tough to sell a ticket up there because those motherfuckers got to go camping. 1.00

01:58:54.000 They're out. 0.99

01:58:55.000 They're out doing music. 1.00

01:58:56.000 They've been living like fucking Jack Nicholson in The Shining for fucking six months. 1.00

01:59:01.000 It rains every goddamn day. 1.00

01:59:03.000 I remember Joe saying to me, what did you think about Seattle? 0.99

01:59:06.000 Seattle was great.

01:59:07.000 Seattle was great, like Colorado's great, until you see rain for three weeks in a row.

01:59:12.000 Colorado doesn't have that problem, though.

01:59:14.000 One time it did.

01:59:15.000 Really? 0.98

01:59:16.000 In 83, fucking Paul Harvey was in the middle of November yelling, we don't know what's gonna happen in Colorado this year. 0.99

01:59:22.000 Paul Harvey, the weather guy? 0.98

01:59:23.000 Yeah, no, the radio guy.

01:59:25.000 He was just talking about the Alps in Colorado, and all these mountains in Colorado are empty. 0.99

01:59:30.000 Will there be a snow season, bitch? 1.00

01:59:33.000 It started snowing on the 20th, and it went straight to December 20, like 3rd. 0.99

01:59:38.000 Whoa.

01:59:39.000 You know what 20 days in a row of snow is, bro?

01:59:41.000 No, you have no idea.

01:59:43.000 Think of leaving for work on a bus, it's snowing.

01:59:46.000 Getting out at 6, it's snowing.

01:59:48.000 Going home, it's snowing.

01:59:50.000 Going to bed, you wake up, it's still snowing.

01:59:52.000 Jesus.

01:59:52.000 Two days is cool.

01:59:54.000 20 days.

01:59:56.000 20 days of snowing.

01:59:58.000 I was shoveling the snow too for a while.

02:00:01.000 So I'd have to get up in there.

02:00:02.000 I was getting 10, 12 bucks an hour to shovel. 0.99

02:00:04.000 I didn't give a fuck. 0.99

02:00:04.000 How deep did it get? 0.99

02:00:06.000 8 inches, 12 inches a day.

02:00:08.000 You know how fast the snow comes down in Colorado, dog?

02:00:10.000 So 8 feet?

02:00:12.000 They probably, yeah.

02:00:13.000 It's like you either pay me now or pay me later. 0.92

02:00:16.000 I don't know what the base is for the fucking bottom of the hill, but they got the snow they needed that year. 0.97

02:00:22.000 Wow. 0.98

02:00:22.000 Because they man-make the snow on the bottom. 0.98

02:00:25.000 Right?

02:00:26.000 That helps out.

02:00:27.000 They man-make the snow on the bottom, I think.

02:00:30.000 Okay.

02:00:30.000 Whatever that fake snow.

02:00:32.000 Well, it's real snow.

02:00:33.000 They just make it with the machine.

02:00:34.000 They just make it with the machine.

02:00:35.000 Then on top, fills in those gaps.

02:00:37.000 But the bottom gives it more of a base.

02:00:40.000 That's what it's called, a base.

02:00:41.000 So they'll tell you, we got a 63-inch base.

02:00:44.000 We'll have a 200-inch base. 1.00

02:00:45.000 That means you could jump off a fucking helicopter. 1.00

02:00:48.000 And nothing's going to happen to you in that base. 1.00

02:00:50.000 200 inches, you're just going to land in powder. 0.99

02:00:55.000 Wyoming, getting a helicopter and just jumping off the helicopter with skis and just landing on that fucking thing without your knee blowing the fuck up. 0.99

02:01:04.000 Yeah, I saw a guy who did that on a video. 0.99

02:01:06.000 He jumped like 250 feet.

02:01:08.000 And what happened? 1.00

02:01:09.000 Fuckin' landed in the powder. 0.99

02:01:10.000 And nothing happened to him? 1.00

02:01:12.000 No, nothing.

02:01:13.000 It was fine. 0.99

02:01:13.000 Fresh, virgin fuckin' powder. 0.99

02:01:16.000 You gotta take a big chance, though. 0.77

02:01:18.000 You gotta know exactly what's under that spot. 0.95

02:01:20.000 When you're a man landing, that's a fuckin' ice shirt. 0.96

02:01:22.000 What do you call him? 0.99

02:01:23.000 Oh, my God.

02:01:24.000 Oh, stalagmite. 1.00

02:01:25.000 Big icicle goes up your asshole. 1.00

02:01:29.000 Or hit a rock on the way down, pink. 1.00

02:01:32.000 Yeah, no, I like bad weather, but not three weeks in a fucking... 0.99

02:01:36.000 And in Seattle, I saw it. 0.96

02:01:38.000 I lived there in 95, 96. I think it's parts of November, dog.

02:01:41.000 It just rains for three weeks.

02:01:43.000 Are you worried about global warming in L.A.? Oh, yeah.

02:01:46.000 I can't sleep at night. 1.00

02:01:47.000 What do I give a fuck? 1.00

02:01:49.000 Global warming. 1.00

02:01:50.000 It's fucking 44 degrees this morning. 0.99

02:01:53.000 I can't... 0.99

02:01:53.000 Is it cold? 0.99

02:01:54.000 Yeah, it's cold in L.A. this morning.

02:01:56.000 44, but then it goes up...

02:01:58.000 You know, they talk a lot about global warming.

02:02:01.000 Let me get that half a joint, Doug, over there. 1.00

02:02:03.000 Because this shit fucking turned out on me. 1.00

02:02:05.000 Give me one of those fucking boxes. 1.00

02:02:07.000 Give me a freshie. 1.00

02:02:08.000 Give me a fresh one, yeah.

02:02:10.000 There you go.

02:02:15.000 Doug, your buddy's got... 0.99

02:02:16.000 Yeah, he's a fucking strong. 1.00

02:02:18.000 Oh, he's an animal. 1.00

02:02:19.000 He's a fucking animal. 1.00

02:02:20.000 He's not playing games. 1.00

02:02:21.000 So what were you talking about yesterday?

02:02:24.000 So it's legal now.

02:02:25.000 100%.

02:02:25.000 I could call him up right now.

02:02:27.000 Oh, yeah, it's legal.

02:02:28.000 Yeah, I don't know where he's allowed to deliver it to.

02:02:30.000 I think he has to deliver it to somewhere that's nowhere near a church or a school or something like that.

02:02:35.000 He's got the stars of death, too. 0.98

02:02:37.000 The stars of death and the high times picking the number three fucking edible. 0.93

02:02:42.000 Dude, I never even need a full point of the star of death. 0.93

02:02:45.000 I don't even need a full point.

02:02:46.000 I leave a little bit.

02:02:48.000 I take a bite, but I make sure I leave a little bit of the point.

02:02:52.000 Listen to me, there's these new things called cushies.

02:02:54.000 200 milligrams.

02:02:56.000 You open it up, it smells like transmission fluid. 0.99

02:03:00.000 It's like when you fucking finger somebody, but you smell deep in the monkey. 1.00

02:03:04.000 It smells like gunpowder in the pussy. 1.00

02:03:06.000 Same thing with this fucking edible. 1.00

02:03:08.000 It smells like transmission fluid in this fucking motherfucker. 1.00

02:03:12.000 Dog, you get so fucked up. 1.00

02:03:15.000 I love that shit. 1.00

02:03:16.000 I just pass out now. 1.00

02:03:18.000 When I was in Colorado, I got some gumdrops.

02:03:21.000 Some pot gumdrops.

02:03:23.000 God, they were so good. 1.00

02:03:25.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:03:26.000 I don't know how many milligrams they had, but each one felt like somewhere around 20. You know, you eat a couple of those. 0.99

02:03:33.000 They give you a bag that's supposed to be 100 milligrams, you know, for how many is in there, 5 in there or 10 in there, whatever it is.

02:03:40.000 But it's got a kick.

02:03:43.000 It's hard to tell if they're right.

02:03:45.000 Because I had one, and I was like, yeah, this feels like about 10 milligrams.

02:03:48.000 And then another one that was like, whoa! 1.00

02:03:51.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:03:53.000 Like, I don't buy that they're that consistent. 0.99

02:03:55.000 I don't think they're doing such a good job of stirring.

02:03:58.000 You know? 0.98

02:03:58.000 The stars last week, I was fucking drooling. 0.98

02:04:01.000 I called the guy and go, Anarchy, what the fuck, bro? 0.99

02:04:05.000 What was in these stars this week? 0.99

02:04:07.000 And he goes, well, sometimes you got a bat that's stronger than the other.

02:04:10.000 It's like quaaludes.

02:04:10.000 When I was a kid with quaaludes, because people make them in their basement.

02:04:14.000 So, like we talked about, sometimes the table is like this.

02:04:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:04:18.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:04:19.000 All this shit goes to the bottom and you're fucked. 1.00

02:04:21.000 Yeah, and if you get a bag of gummies, you're not necessarily getting them from the same plant. 1.00

02:04:28.000 You know, I mean, one gummy might be from one batch and another gummy might be from another batch.

02:04:33.000 Like, they might not, I mean, they're all getting piled up together and scooped and put into a bag.

02:04:38.000 You easily could have one live one in there.

02:04:40.000 Dog, I ate an old edible about a month ago.

02:04:42.000 I found it on the back of my drawer. 0.96

02:04:44.000 That thing fucked me up for 12 hours. 0.93

02:04:46.000 That's like an expired Vicodin. 0.82

02:04:48.000 You ever take an expired Vicodin?

02:04:49.000 You won't have pain for a week in your mouth.

02:04:51.000 I don't care how many root canals they give you. 0.92

02:04:54.000 Bro, I found an expired Vicodin in my pants.

02:04:57.000 My wife had washed.

02:04:58.000 Did I tell you about that?

02:04:59.000 No.

02:04:59.000 I had a Vicodin from the surgery.

02:05:01.000 She washed it? 1.00

02:05:02.000 I popped that motherfucker. 1.00

02:05:03.000 Even after it was washed? 1.00

02:05:04.000 With detergent?

02:05:06.000 Stronger than ever, dog.

02:05:10.000 I just found it.

02:05:11.000 I found it.

02:05:12.000 I wasn't even on the Vikings.

02:05:14.000 I took one out with me in case I had tooth pain or nose pain and I never wore those pants again.

02:05:18.000 I go to Portland.

02:05:20.000 I go on the pants and there they are.

02:05:21.000 She washed it. 1.00

02:05:22.000 Right before I went on stage, I popped off that motherfucker. 1.00

02:05:27.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

02:05:28.000 I don't need to know what it is anymore. 0.99

02:05:30.000 I've been through everything. 0.99

02:05:32.000 One fucking pill ain't gonna do nothing to you. 1.00

02:05:35.000 How strong was it? 1.00

02:05:36.000 Oh my god, I took a half on stage and I blacked out for like the first 30 minutes.

02:05:41.000 I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel room to eat the other half.

02:05:45.000 I had radio the next day. 0.95

02:05:47.000 Oh my god, I blacked the fuck out. 0.98

02:05:49.000 I didn't know what came out of my mouth. 0.99

02:05:51.000 When you were on radio, did you start swearing?

02:05:53.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:05:54.000 I'm headed to Portland, Thursday night.

02:05:56.000 I'm in Portland.

02:05:57.000 I'm getting dressed.

02:05:59.000 When I was pulling pants out, I go, boy, these pants are darker than my usual jeans.

02:06:03.000 I never wore them.

02:06:05.000 I didn't wear them.

02:06:06.000 Last time I wore them was probably when I had the surgery, and that's why I found the pill in there.

02:06:10.000 They were clean.

02:06:12.000 I went in and the detergent had worn the numbers down.

02:06:15.000 So it could have been anything. 0.99

02:06:17.000 I said, let me not be an asshole and eat the whole thing. 1.00

02:06:20.000 People give me crazy shit all the time. 1.00

02:06:22.000 Let me break this. 1.00

02:06:23.000 Maybe somebody gave it to me, and I washed over it.

02:06:25.000 I knew it was like a Vicodin or a cousin to the Vicodin.

02:06:28.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:06:28.000 It had to be a cousin or a brother-in-law.

02:06:31.000 Son to the Vicodin.

02:06:33.000 I popped it.

02:06:33.000 I took a half.

02:06:34.000 I went to Portland.

02:06:35.000 I walked up those stairs. 0.99

02:06:36.000 And when I sat down on top of the thing, I was like, I'm fucked up. 0.99

02:06:40.000 I smoked dogs. 0.99

02:06:41.000 Did I tell you?

02:06:42.000 I set the fire alarm off in Portland, hit the club on Friday night.

02:06:45.000 Smoking in the dressing room? 1.00

02:06:47.000 And the fucking fire department had to come because the whole club blacks out. 1.00

02:06:51.000 All the lights go out in the power. 1.00

02:06:53.000 Had to go on stage and fucking... 0.99

02:06:56.000 Felicia went up with me. 0.99

02:06:58.000 Felicia's like, do you want me to go up there and judge you out?

02:06:59.000 I go, yeah.

02:07:00.000 That's how much of a comedy store chick she is. 1.00

02:07:03.000 Like somebody else would have said, well, let's wait till they put the mic on.

02:07:06.000 She's a comedy store. 1.00

02:07:08.000 She looked at me and said, do you want me to still go up there? 1.00

02:07:10.000 I go, fuck yeah. 0.99

02:07:11.000 And when she got up there, the mic turned on. 1.00

02:07:13.000 Oh, that's perfect.

02:07:15.000 Perfect.

02:07:15.000 But that just goes to show you the confidence of the comedy store.

02:07:18.000 Did you tell them that you did that?

02:07:20.000 Did you set it off?

02:07:21.000 No.

02:07:22.000 The MC was on stage, and all of a sudden you hear...

02:07:24.000 And the lights are blinking.

02:07:29.000 But when you went up there, you didn't say that was me smoking pot?

02:07:32.000 Oh, yeah.

02:07:32.000 Once I got up there, I go, I only took two hits.

02:07:34.000 I told them the truth. 1.00

02:07:35.000 I just took two fucking hits. 1.00

02:07:37.000 Wow, that's a pretty fucking sensitive fire alarm. 1.00

02:07:40.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:07:40.000 It was right over me. 0.98

02:07:41.000 Oh.

02:07:42.000 It was right there.

02:07:43.000 I looked at it afterwards.

02:07:44.000 So the next night they put a little helmet on it.

02:07:46.000 Did they?

02:07:46.000 They covered it?

02:07:47.000 Oh fuck yeah. 1.00

02:07:48.000 They put a little helmet on that motherfucker. 1.00

02:07:49.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

02:07:51.000 So it's just drastic.

02:07:52.000 It's just a drastic system, right?

02:07:55.000 Shut the power off and everything?

02:07:57.000 How about I keep the lights on?

02:07:59.000 What do you think? 1.00

02:08:00.000 I want to start a goddamn stampede. 0.99

02:08:01.000 The fire department came, looked at the manager, and he goes, somebody's smoking in the green room? 0.99

02:08:05.000 He goes, yeah.

02:08:06.000 He goes, all right, we'll set it up.

02:08:07.000 And that was it.

02:08:07.000 They didn't give me a ticket or nothing, thank God.

02:08:09.000 That's nice.

02:08:10.000 Yeah, a lot of people probably think they can, you know?

02:08:14.000 Like, especially if you're at any sort of a rock venue, like those rock theaters and stuff like that.

02:08:20.000 How many people have smoked?

02:08:21.000 They've probably been smoking in those things forever.

02:08:23.000 Forever. 1.00

02:08:24.000 Don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:08:25.000 It's probably standard. 1.00

02:08:29.000 Portland is an interesting place, isn't it?

02:08:31.000 People who live there say it's getting kind of weird, because then you're getting a bunch of people that want to live in Portland moving there instead of Portland people.

02:08:38.000 People are like, yeah, I think Portland's kind of my kind of city.

02:08:41.000 Cameron lives in Eugene, right?

02:08:42.000 Yeah.

02:08:43.000 Somewhere in Oregon, right?

02:08:44.000 Yeah.

02:08:44.000 Because one of his neighbors came to the show.

02:08:46.000 Oh, really?

02:08:46.000 Yeah, they came to the show.

02:08:48.000 He lives in Eugene, which is like a smaller college town.

02:08:50.000 Have you been there?

02:08:51.000 Yeah.

02:08:51.000 To visit them?

02:08:52.000 You like it?

02:08:53.000 Eugene's great.

02:08:54.000 It's nice.

02:08:54.000 I like it.

02:08:55.000 They have a good Chinese restaurant there, Kowloon's.

02:08:57.000 Oh, really?

02:08:58.000 Kowloon's is in Eugene and Roseburg.

02:09:00.000 And Roseburg is the one where... 0.99

02:09:02.000 That's the fucked up one. 0.99

02:09:04.000 That's the one where they have a strip club, but the waitress is everything. 1.00

02:09:08.000 She's the stripper, the DJ, the doorman. 1.00

02:09:12.000 You gotta see this fucking beauty. 1.00

02:09:14.000 But Oregon is fucking fun, man. 1.00

02:09:17.000 That's a great drive, too. 0.99

02:09:18.000 I wonder what Kowloon means.

02:09:20.000 I don't know what it means in Chinese.

02:09:22.000 There's a bunch of different restaurants.

02:09:23.000 There was the Kowloon Saugus, Massachusetts.

02:09:26.000 Remember that?

02:09:26.000 The Chinese restaurant?

02:09:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:09:28.000 Kowloon.

02:09:28.000 It was Nick's Comedy Stop at the Kowloon.

02:09:32.000 I wonder what that means.

02:09:35.000 I think it was the city.

02:09:36.000 A city?

02:09:37.000 Yeah.

02:09:37.000 Oh, okay.

02:09:38.000 Like New York?

02:09:39.000 It's like saying Hollywood?

02:09:41.000 Is it like saying the Hollywood restaurant, the Hollywood grill, the Hollywood diner?

02:09:46.000 That's a funny thing, right?

02:09:47.000 That word Hollywood.

02:09:48.000 People like to use that word.

02:09:50.000 It's the northern part of Hong Kong. 1.00

02:09:52.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

02:09:53.000 There you go. 1.00

02:09:55.000 So maybe it's like a style of cooking or something.

02:09:59.000 But yeah, that was the Kowloon and Saugus.

02:10:01.000 Great place.

02:10:03.000 Great comedy club.

02:10:05.000 How far is Saugus from the city?

02:10:07.000 I don't remember.

02:10:09.000 Couldn't have been too long.

02:10:10.000 Were there a couple of Calloons, and it was run by Lenny's brother?

02:10:14.000 No, that was Giggles.

02:10:16.000 Lenny's brother, Mike Clark, ran a place called Giggles.

02:10:20.000 And that guy, Mike Clark, gave me more...

02:10:25.000 Headlining gigs like when I was struggling than probably anybody.

02:10:28.000 He always had great rooms.

02:10:30.000 Always had like a restaurant here or a dive there or a bar there and always got you good money.

02:10:37.000 It was cool.

02:10:38.000 It was fun too because you'd travel around all these weird spots and do comedy.

02:10:42.000 Sometimes people would hire comedians and it wouldn't work out.

02:10:45.000 They would try it for one show and you'd be on that one show and then they never had comedy again.

02:10:50.000 A bunch of dirty comedians from Boston come up and We're in some weird fish restaurant in New Hampshire and they just don't like it.

02:10:59.000 How many of those did we do? 0.93

02:11:01.000 Thousands.

02:11:02.000 Had to.

02:11:04.000 I used to do comedy in a place where there was a live parrot behind John's stage.

02:11:08.000 Two, three feet.

02:11:09.000 He would just go... 0.99

02:11:10.000 He would eat the seeds and fucking flick them up in the air. 0.98

02:11:14.000 There's so many things that you've done that you... 0.99

02:11:17.000 When we're talking about comedy, you have this grand delusion of comedy when you get into it.

02:11:21.000 And you get to this place, it's not a stage, there's no green room, you know. 1.00

02:11:26.000 Guy talks to you like you're shit. 0.99

02:11:28.000 And you're like, why do I do this? 1.00

02:11:29.000 You know, I'm up till 12 and...

02:11:31.000 I gotta go to work at 6. The beginning is so fucking tough, but it's not. 0.77

02:11:37.000 Yeah. 0.80

02:11:38.000 It's not really, you know.

02:11:40.000 It also doesn't seem that hard when you look at it from the outside.

02:11:44.000 The first time you look at it, you're like, that's not that hard.

02:11:46.000 It's just people talking.

02:11:48.000 Like, I'll figure that out.

02:11:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:54.000 Until you bomb 800 fucking times. 1.00

02:11:57.000 But that's part of it. 1.00

02:11:59.000 Like, now sometimes I get happy when I bomb because I get it out of the way.

02:12:02.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:12:02.000 At least it's not a fucking surprise anymore. 0.97

02:12:07.000 Yeah, that's the best motivator to, like, tighten up your game. 0.99

02:12:13.000 The best motivator is a shitty set.

02:12:16.000 It's nothing like one offset.

02:12:18.000 It just feels...

02:12:19.000 You just want to get back and tighten things down.

02:12:23.000 It's interesting to people that go to the store on a regular basis, too, because they get to see all the development.

02:12:29.000 They'll see a bit one time, and then they'll come back and see maybe six months later.

02:12:33.000 And they'll see it again, but now it's got all these extra things going on.

02:12:37.000 It's alive.

02:12:38.000 It's connected to others.

02:12:39.000 You get into it better.

02:12:40.000 You're smoother in your delivery. 1.00

02:12:43.000 So much fucking fun. 0.99

02:12:45.000 The CISO thing you shot in Chicago, in Rosemont, Illinois, right? 0.99

02:12:49.000 You shot it pretty recently.

02:12:51.000 October 15th.

02:12:52.000 That's real recent.

02:12:53.000 And it comes out tomorrow.

02:12:57.000 How fired up are you?

02:13:00.000 I'm happy it's over. 0.99

02:13:02.000 It was a lot of fucking work, man. 0.99

02:13:03.000 Was it? 1.00

02:13:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:13:04.000 It was fun, though.

02:13:05.000 It was really fun, you know?

02:13:06.000 It was the first time I ever taped myself.

02:13:09.000 I can't stand looking at myself, and I can't stand listening to myself.

02:13:13.000 And I don't know which one is worse, you know?

02:13:15.000 I never said none to nobody, but I saw Johnny Depp on Letterman.

02:13:20.000 And Letterman was like, so how the dailies look? 0.97

02:13:22.000 And he's like, bitch, I don't look at them. 1.00

02:13:23.000 And Letterman's like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

02:13:25.000 He goes, I don't look at shit. 1.00

02:13:27.000 I don't go to the premiere of my movies. 1.00

02:13:28.000 I don't look at myself.

02:13:30.000 And he goes, why not?

02:13:30.000 I hate looking.

02:13:31.000 And I felt a lot better.

02:13:33.000 But this was the first time.

02:13:34.000 So he said he hated looking at himself?

02:13:35.000 Yeah.

02:13:36.000 I don't like it.

02:13:37.000 You know what I'm going to tell you?

02:13:38.000 I got here January...

02:13:41.000 29th, and like two weeks later was Super Bowl, and I got talked into going to one of these goofy actor parties.

02:13:47.000 I didn't know I was at the store.

02:13:48.000 I was at the store, and some goofy guy came up to me.

02:13:50.000 He goes, you want to go to the Super Bowl party? 0.99

02:13:52.000 And I went there, and I'll never forget this, as long as I fucking live, man. 1.00

02:13:56.000 In the middle of the fucking Super Bowl. 0.99

02:13:59.000 Like, you know, when it ends the first quarter, then you have the show in the middle, and Michael Jackson would sing or whoever. 0.99

02:14:05.000 Right.

02:14:05.000 In front of 60 people.

02:14:09.000 A person put a demo reel in.

02:14:12.000 I will never forget that my whole life.

02:14:15.000 Like, it was not supposed to be in there.

02:14:18.000 Like, some guy came in and go, is it halftime yet?

02:14:21.000 Hold on, I'm gonna put my demo reel in. 0.99

02:14:23.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:14:24.000 Do you follow him saying anything? 0.99

02:14:25.000 And they pop that demo reel in.

02:14:27.000 For 15 minutes you watch student films. 0.99

02:14:30.000 And fucking college films, and I think he had like one spot that was TV. And I'll never forget how embarrassing, like I felt embarrassed for the guy. 0.99

02:14:40.000 Like, let's watch my demo reel. 0.97

02:14:42.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

02:14:43.000 To a room full of other actors? 1.00

02:14:45.000 60. Oh, my God.

02:14:47.000 Comedians, stand-up comics, you know, so-called men. 0.82

02:14:50.000 I don't know.

02:14:50.000 I would have just been here for two weeks.

02:14:53.000 So I don't like looking at none of this shit. 0.99

02:14:55.000 This was the first time I actually went home and fucking taped sets. 1.00

02:15:01.000 Like, I didn't know how to do nothing on this fucking phone. 1.00

02:15:03.000 And I went home and taped fucking sets and had to listen to them and write notes. 0.99

02:15:07.000 And I realized the process. 1.00

02:15:11.000 There was shit I was letting go at night. 0.99

02:15:13.000 Like, you come up to me and go, that's a good bit. 0.99

02:15:16.000 But you didn't tell me about the two things before that I said.

02:15:19.000 Sometimes after a set, it's really hard to remember what you said that was funny.

02:15:23.000 I don't know why that is.

02:15:24.000 But you remember one or two lines.

02:15:25.000 But you didn't remember those two fluctuations you said in your voice.

02:15:30.000 Those are the things I never worked on before.

02:15:32.000 That line that you threw away, that was the setup to that joke, and you didn't even know you set it up with that.

02:15:38.000 That's what this taught me. 1.00

02:15:39.000 This special taught me that type of shit. 1.00

02:15:41.000 I had to listen to every fucking set, man. 1.00

02:15:45.000 And you know what? 1.00

02:15:46.000 It's funny how you prepare jokes and you think what's gonna work, and then when you listen, the shit that you thought was gonna work doesn't really work as well. 0.95

02:15:56.000 It's little things that you didn't think was gonna work that really worked. 0.91

02:15:59.000 It's so weird when you listen to your material at night.

02:16:02.000 It was a whole complete different education for me.

02:16:04.000 It was rough for me to do.

02:16:06.000 It was really tough for me to do because I didn't like listening to myself at night.

02:16:10.000 I would do it on planes.

02:16:12.000 Mmm, when you can't go anywhere. 0.94

02:16:13.000 Yeah, when I'm trapped, I get really fucking high. 0.92

02:16:16.000 I pull one of these pads out and just go on a train, on a plane. 0.93

02:16:20.000 I'm sorry.

02:16:21.000 In fact, you know what happened to me?

02:16:22.000 I pulled out my third CD on a plane.

02:16:24.000 I had to shut it off. 0.99

02:16:25.000 It was the worst thing I ever heard in my fucking life. 0.99

02:16:28.000 My third CD is probably the worst thing I've ever heard in all my life. 0.99

02:16:31.000 I can't believe I even released it.

02:16:33.000 But that's when I learned. 0.99

02:16:35.000 That there's a lot of jokes sometimes that even if you think, even because there's seven minutes, you're like, enough with this shit. 0.99

02:16:41.000 There's still three more, four more minutes in that thing. 0.99

02:16:43.000 We're not beating.

02:16:44.000 And you taught me that.

02:16:45.000 You were the one that said you like to keep finding tags for stuff.

02:16:50.000 You know, sometimes you just get tired. 1.00

02:16:52.000 You just go, fuck it. 1.00

02:16:52.000 I got four of them on there. 1.00

02:16:54.000 I'm going to move on.

02:16:57.000 So that's what I found out.

02:16:59.000 That's what shocked me about this.

02:17:01.000 It was the first time I had really done this type of...

02:17:04.000 Exclusive work, bro. 0.99

02:17:06.000 CISO's putting out some good shit. 0.99

02:17:08.000 You, Doug, who else are they doing? 1.00

02:17:11.000 Brian Callen.

02:17:12.000 Brian Callen.

02:17:12.000 In fact, I'm calling radio tomorrow and Brian's on.

02:17:17.000 He's in Florida.

02:17:17.000 Is this Brian's last one?

02:17:18.000 Did they buy his last one or are they doing a new one with him?

02:17:20.000 I'm not sure.

02:17:21.000 I know either it got released last week.

02:17:23.000 I'm not sure, my brother.

02:17:25.000 Or a reissue or something.

02:17:28.000 CISO is owned by NBC, is that what it is?

02:17:30.000 Yes.

02:17:30.000 That's interesting they're doing that.

02:17:32.000 Look, it's great when someone's doing...

02:17:33.000 I mean, the more people doing something like that, the better.

02:17:37.000 Like I said, man, right now comedy used to be 8 to 12, 8 to 2. Now it's 9 to 5 because people are on their desks with earbuds on.

02:17:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:17:48.000 They could stream your fucking special at work. 1.00

02:17:50.000 There's so much going on with streaming and the whole fucking deal. 0.99

02:17:54.000 Well, most of the people that listen to this are working right now. 0.98

02:17:57.000 They're working right now.

02:17:58.000 Probably.

02:17:58.000 I would imagine if you're doing something that you don't have to be listening to somebody, you could listen to this while you're doing your work.

02:18:05.000 9 to 5 now has so many... 0.99

02:18:07.000 Goddamn, I gotta stop coughing. 1.00

02:18:09.000 What the fuck's going on? 1.00

02:18:10.000 9 to 5 has so many amazing... 0.99

02:18:13.000 TV used to be from 8 to 11. Yeah, pretty much.

02:18:19.000 Working people only watch television from 8 to 11. That's changed now.

02:18:24.000 I go to work now at 9 and put earbuds on, and I can't get into Game of Thrones or Westward, but I can listen to a podcast.

02:18:33.000 How many people do you think get to listen to stuff while they work?

02:18:37.000 A lot.

02:18:38.000 A lot.

02:18:39.000 What percentage?

02:18:40.000 IT, I don't know about that.

02:18:41.000 Like IT, a lot of tech people.

02:18:42.000 Yeah.

02:18:43.000 A lot of tech people.

02:18:44.000 When I talk to my niece sometimes in Jersey, she tells me, I listen to you in the office, and she's in marketing, you know.

02:18:50.000 Yeah.

02:18:51.000 They put these in and make notes and type up proposals and listen to podcasts.

02:18:55.000 It's a whole game out there.

02:18:57.000 It's not 8 to 11 no more.

02:18:58.000 Right.

02:18:59.000 That thing is dead now.

02:19:01.000 Yeah, 8 to 11 is Netflix.

02:19:03.000 HBO. There's a whole new realm now.

02:19:06.000 You know, now I can go to work and listen from 9 to 12 and from 1 to 5 and I can watch from 12 to 1 at my desk.

02:19:12.000 I can watch Game of Thrones on Netflix.

02:19:15.000 I can watch. 1.00

02:19:16.000 It's a different fucking world out there. 0.99

02:19:18.000 Do you use Netflix and do you use Apple TV? Do you ever use that? 0.99

02:19:22.000 No, that's what we're getting because the speakers on my...

02:19:24.000 It's fantastic.

02:19:25.000 I don't know what my wife is saying.

02:19:26.000 I don't understand none of that stuff.

02:19:27.000 She does all the IT stuff at the It's just crazy that you can see, you know what I mean, 99 or whatever the hell it is, percentage of the movies, just by, they're right there.

02:19:37.000 Like, I don't know what percentage.

02:19:38.000 I shouldn't say 99. Let's take a guess.

02:19:41.000 It's probably not even 10%.

02:19:43.000 What percent of all movies are on iTunes?

02:19:46.000 Because independent movies probably aren't.

02:19:49.000 Maybe some independent movies?

02:19:50.000 So are all movies on iTunes?

02:19:52.000 A lot of them?

02:19:52.000 I don't think all of them.

02:19:53.000 Because the other day I noticed that they just recently added an American Werewolf in London.

02:19:59.000 And I was like, oh wow, how weird.

02:20:01.000 Or was it The Wolfman?

02:20:03.000 One of those.

02:20:04.000 Now, are we talking about Netflix?

02:20:08.000 This is Apple TV. And they recently added some other movies that were pretty old movies.

02:20:14.000 They just added them.

02:20:16.000 So I think they're still buying movies and putting them on...

02:20:19.000 I mean, I don't know how they're doing it.

02:20:21.000 Licensing them, whatever they're doing.

02:20:22.000 Making some sort of a deal. 0.99

02:20:24.000 But they got a lot of fucking movies, is my point. 0.99

02:20:26.000 The crazy thing is, you just... 0.99

02:20:28.000 Press it, and it starts playing.

02:20:30.000 Like, when we were kids, just the idea of going to the store...

02:20:33.000 Remember how Blockbuster would have those giant shelves filled with one kind of movie?

02:20:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:20:38.000 Like, one movie would come out, and that movie would just fill a shelf.

02:20:43.000 And, like, say if it was like Transformers or Alien or something like that, there would be, you know, three, four levels of them, and you would get there, and there'd only be a couple left, and you'd get lucky.

02:20:55.000 Oh, God, we got the last copy of Alien.

02:20:57.000 The last above the law.

02:20:58.000 Yeah.

02:20:59.000 Bring it back.

02:21:00.000 That's the first time I went in there.

02:21:02.000 It was the night I was running from the cops after I kidnapped Vela.

02:21:06.000 I went to Blockbuster and I rented Above the Law.

02:21:08.000 All these people kept telling me, you gotta watch this guy Steven Seagal.

02:21:11.000 I'm like, I don't want to do it.

02:21:12.000 I watched Above the Law and Lethal Weapon.

02:21:16.000 I had never seen Lethal Weapon before.

02:21:19.000 That's a good movie.

02:21:20.000 For the time.

02:21:21.000 If I watched it today, I'd probably get angry.

02:21:23.000 I watched the triangle scene at the end and I got mad.

02:21:27.000 Mel Gibson uses a triangle.

02:21:29.000 He doesn't even close it.

02:21:30.000 On the Chinese guy with the two sponges? 0.96

02:21:33.000 No, wasn't it...

02:21:36.000 Yeah, lethal weapon.

02:21:37.000 Was it the Chinese guy that he does the triangle on? 0.96

02:21:40.000 He's hanging and the guy's hitting him with the sponges.

02:21:43.000 Oh yeah, that's right, that's right.

02:21:45.000 And also he triangles him.

02:21:47.000 No.

02:21:48.000 And then he triangles a guy out in the grass.

02:21:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.93

02:21:51.000 Gary Fucknut.

02:21:53.000 With the guy who got in a motorcycle accident. 0.55

02:21:55.000 Busey.

02:21:56.000 Gary Busey.

02:21:58.000 Busey.

02:21:58.000 Yeah, it was Gary Busey, right?

02:22:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:22:01.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:22:02.000 Yeah, it's a shitty triangle choke, dude. 0.97

02:22:04.000 He doesn't cinch it up. 0.92

02:22:08.000 And this is like, when the cops were there, they kind of let them go after it, right?

02:22:12.000 Because this was like, these guys so crazy, the cops let them fight.

02:22:15.000 Let them go, yeah.

02:22:16.000 Even though it sticks.

02:22:18.000 Mel Gibson was shredded, son. 1.00

02:22:20.000 That's a motherfucking kaboodoo tonfa and shit. 1.00

02:22:23.000 Look at him. 1.00

02:22:26.000 Yeah, Mel Gibson, if people forget, was a fucking action star. 1.00

02:22:29.000 He was a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:22:31.000 Boom! 1.00

02:22:32.000 He gets slammed on a cop car. 0.99

02:22:34.000 This is so ridiculous. 1.00

02:22:35.000 Like that this could ever happen where cops would let some bad guy duke it out with the cop because they knew the cop was such a badass that he's eventually going to kick this dude's ass. 1.00

02:22:46.000 Dog, dog. 1.00

02:22:46.000 30 years ago this shit was happening. 1.00

02:22:48.000 You think so? 1.00

02:22:49.000 They let dudes do like this? 0.97

02:22:50.000 I had a friend who called out a cop one night.

02:22:52.000 And they fought in front of three other cops.

02:22:55.000 Whoa. 1.00

02:22:55.000 He just said, you wouldn't do this shit without your tough friends. 1.00

02:22:58.000 Take off the fucking badge and the gun, bitch. 1.00

02:23:00.000 Why are we doing this? 1.00

02:23:01.000 Take it off.

02:23:01.000 You're not going to do it.

02:23:02.000 And the guy goes, yes, I am.

02:23:03.000 Guy looked like Phil Simms.

02:23:05.000 We were like in high school.

02:23:07.000 We were maybe a year in high school.

02:23:10.000 When Phil Simms, a beat cop, fought one of my friends on the street.

02:23:14.000 Two other cops there and like six of us there.

02:23:16.000 Who won? 0.99

02:23:18.000 My friend fucked him up. 0.98

02:23:19.000 Really? 0.99

02:23:20.000 My friend fucked him up. 0.99

02:23:22.000 That's how crazy it was. 0.98

02:23:23.000 Why are we doing this?

02:23:24.000 You don't like me, I don't like you.

02:23:26.000 Forget the arrest, and let's throw down right here. 1.00

02:23:28.000 You a tough guy, motherfucker. 1.00

02:23:29.000 Put off the gun. 1.00

02:23:30.000 So after he beat his ass, what did the cop do? 1.00

02:23:32.000 They fucking shook hands, and they never fucked with each other again. 1.00

02:23:36.000 Wow. 1.00

02:23:37.000 I mean, he didn't throw them around, but he punched them in the fucking mouth a few times in front of his buddies. 1.00

02:23:45.000 Oh, that's weird. 0.99

02:23:46.000 And one time, when I got out of fucking jail in Boulder, I got out of the halfway house, and I got into a fight with a guy that cut me off, and he ended up spitting at the car. 0.91

02:23:57.000 And something happened, bro. 0.98

02:23:59.000 I slipped, and that guy had me.

02:24:00.000 He was beating the fuck out of me, but then he slipped in the snow.

02:24:03.000 So when the cops got there, I was on top of them. 0.92

02:24:06.000 They pulled us off.

02:24:07.000 I was going back to prison.

02:24:08.000 I thought they were going to violate me.

02:24:10.000 I told the cop what happened.

02:24:11.000 He told the cop what happened, but he was giving the cop a bad attitude.

02:24:15.000 I won right there. 1.00

02:24:17.000 He was telling the cop, what the fuck do you care? 0.99

02:24:19.000 And the guy goes, hey. 0.99

02:24:20.000 All of a sudden they talked and they put us back.

02:24:22.000 I just told the cop the truth.

02:24:23.000 I just got out of the halfway house.

02:24:25.000 I can't get violated for this.

02:24:26.000 Go talk to this guy.

02:24:28.000 And then they came back and they go, we're not going to press charges, but shake hands.

02:24:32.000 And the guy goes, I'm not going to shake his hand.

02:24:34.000 And the cop looks at me, he looks at him, he goes, you know what? 0.94

02:24:37.000 When we got here, you weren't doing too fucking good. 0.94

02:24:39.000 Okay? 0.99

02:24:40.000 Don't make me put him on fucking top of you again. 1.00

02:24:43.000 You weren't doing too fucking good. 1.00

02:24:45.000 Shake his fucking hand. 1.00

02:24:47.000 And the guy shook my hand. 1.00

02:24:48.000 That was the end of that.

02:24:49.000 Yeah, we got it.

02:24:49.000 You weren't doing too good.

02:24:53.000 Cops letting people fight is strange.

02:24:55.000 Remember there was that thing that was going on in the California prisons where they're having these crazy fights, these underground fights, and the guards were setting things up, the gladiator fights.

02:25:06.000 Remember that?

02:25:07.000 There was a big article about it.

02:25:09.000 I don't know if we could ask.

02:25:10.000 Gladiator days. 1.00

02:25:11.000 Next time you see Mike Tyson, you should ask him if all that shit is true. 1.00

02:25:14.000 See what he says to you. 0.99

02:25:16.000 That they based that movie with Fucko on him.

02:25:21.000 That was the story.

02:25:21.000 That somebody, they actually let the warden leave town for Christmas and one of the guys got in touch with a promoter and they brought somebody from boxing in to see Mike Tyson.

02:25:33.000 Come on. 0.99

02:25:34.000 That's where they got the fucking idea for that movie. 0.99

02:25:36.000 Let me go. 1.00

02:25:36.000 Come on. 1.00

02:25:37.000 Undisputed?

02:25:37.000 Excuse me.

02:25:38.000 Go ahead.

02:25:38.000 Go ahead, Pete.

02:25:40.000 Undisputed is based on a real story?

02:25:44.000 They brought a guy into prison.

02:25:47.000 Come on.

02:25:47.000 Do you know how much that would be worth?

02:25:50.000 When prison guards force inmates to fight.

02:25:53.000 That was the...

02:25:54.000 What are you Googling now?

02:25:58.000 Undisputed movie real.

02:26:00.000 Is it based on a real story?

02:26:02.000 Wow.

02:26:03.000 Movie similarities to real life Tyson's saga undisputed.

02:26:07.000 But where is the fight?

02:26:09.000 He didn't have a fight in jail.

02:26:12.000 If Mike Tyson had a fight in jail, they would have filmed that, huh?

02:26:19.000 And Mike Tyson would be talking about it.

02:26:21.000 Mike Tyson has that whole story, you know, or his whole live show where he talks about his entire life.

02:26:28.000 I mean, if Mike Tyson had that in his life, he would be telling people about it.

02:26:33.000 Don't you think?

02:26:35.000 I mean, I can't imagine that he would ever have a fight in jail and not tell anybody about it.

02:26:41.000 I think what was about it...

02:26:43.000 What are you looking up, Jamie?

02:26:45.000 It's a center forum.

02:26:45.000 Someone was asking the same question as a boxing forum.

02:26:48.000 Yeah.

02:26:48.000 Maybe someone's got a link somewhere.

02:26:50.000 People are silly. 0.95

02:26:51.000 There's no links. 0.99

02:26:53.000 You would have heard of it.

02:26:54.000 We've known.

02:26:55.000 If there was a video of Tyson fighting in jail...

02:26:57.000 Come on.

02:26:59.000 For sure you're going to tape it, or are you just going to let it happen and trust your memory?

02:27:03.000 You're going to bring in Riddick Bowe or someone like that, and you're going to have Tyson fight him in jail? 0.99

02:27:07.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

02:27:08.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

02:27:10.000 When was he in jail? 0.91

02:27:10.000 Early, mid-90s? 0.91

02:27:11.000 I don't remember the exact day.

02:27:13.000 What year do you think Tyson was in jail?

02:27:17.000 Tyson went to jail...

02:27:19.000 2000?

02:27:21.000 2001, around there?

02:27:23.000 No, that was the more recent one, right?

02:27:27.000 I'm talking about the tape in Chicago, in Illinois.

02:27:29.000 I think it was the late 90s, because he was out and fighting Holyfield while I was living in Encino, which I think was 96. I think.

02:27:45.000 When did he go?

02:27:46.000 In?

02:27:47.000 He got arrested in 92?

02:27:48.000 There's a article from 92 that says he got a six-year prison term.

02:27:50.000 Yeah, that was when it was.

02:27:52.000 That's when it was.

02:27:53.000 How long was Tyson in jail for?

02:27:56.000 I don't know. 0.99

02:27:58.000 He still maintains, out of all the shit he says, that that never happened. 0.99

02:28:03.000 It was a setup. 1.00

02:28:03.000 Yeah, it was a setup. 1.00

02:28:04.000 Which is really crazy.

02:28:06.000 Then you find out that that same woman had set somebody else up. 1.00

02:28:10.000 She had lied about another one, another alleged rape.

02:28:15.000 Allegedly lied.

02:28:16.000 I don't know the specifics.

02:28:18.000 But that was in her past.

02:28:19.000 Like, whoa.

02:28:21.000 He was released, uh, went in March.

02:28:23.000 March 26th, 92, he was sentenced.

02:28:26.000 He was released March 95. Whoa, so he did three years.

02:28:29.000 Three years, yeah.

02:28:30.000 Three years in jail.

02:28:31.000 When did he retire?

02:28:32.000 How long has he been retired for now?

02:28:34.000 He retired right after, well, he had a couple of fights, but I think it was the Kevin Ferguson fight.

02:28:40.000 Was that the one where he retired?

02:28:42.000 What was his last fight?

02:28:45.000 2005. 2005, Tyson stunned the boxing world by quitting before the start of the seventh round against Kevin McBride.

02:28:52.000 Kevin McBride.

02:28:53.000 Okay.

02:28:56.000 That's who it was.

02:28:57.000 And, you know, the Lennox Lewis fight was a bad beating, too.

02:29:01.000 That was before that.

02:29:02.000 That was one where you knew, like, ooh, he's just not the same guy anymore.

02:29:07.000 You know?

02:29:08.000 You go back and watch the guy that destroyed Larry Holmes.

02:29:11.000 It was a scary guy.

02:29:13.000 Then, you know, he knew as much as anybody knew.

02:29:16.000 He can only go so long in that business.

02:29:19.000 It's just a shelf life.

02:29:21.000 Nobody gets out.

02:29:23.000 You know?

02:29:25.000 It's a fun time for boxing right now.

02:29:27.000 Are you paying attention to boxing? 0.97

02:29:29.000 I barely have time for what I got on my fucking plate and I gotta open up boxing too. 0.98

02:29:34.000 You know Bernard Hopkins is fighting? 0.99

02:29:36.000 No.

02:29:37.000 Yep.

02:29:38.000 50?

02:29:39.000 51. 51. He's fighting December 17th.

02:29:44.000 Where?

02:29:44.000 In LA. He's fighting at the Forum.

02:29:48.000 Yeah.

02:29:50.000 Who's he fighting?

02:29:51.000 Some young, tough, light heavyweight white dude with knockout power. 0.52

02:29:57.000 We'll see.

02:29:58.000 Barnard is so hard to hit.

02:29:59.000 He's so clever.

02:30:00.000 I don't think he'd be fighting if he wasn't still capable to.

02:30:05.000 Look at him, like, right here.

02:30:06.000 Come on, man.

02:30:07.000 51 years old. 0.99

02:30:09.000 And he looks fucking great. 0.98

02:30:10.000 Like, look at this. 0.99

02:30:12.000 Look at these combinations, man.

02:30:15.000 I mean... 0.99

02:30:20.000 I mean, everything looks smooth as fuck, man. 0.99

02:30:24.000 That's the real Bernard Hopkins. 0.99

02:30:25.000 When you're looking at him boxing here, you're not saying, oh, this is a 51-year-old Bernard Hopkins.

02:30:30.000 You're saying, that's Bernard Hopkins.

02:30:34.000 You know, Joe, 51, your reactions, your vision, there's a lot of other factors.

02:30:41.000 Oh, for sure there's a lot of other factors, but this is amazing.

02:30:45.000 Oh, it's amazing.

02:30:46.000 It's amazing that you could even consider that this guy at 51 years old should be allowed to fight professionally.

02:30:53.000 He definitely should be.

02:30:53.000 Well, he was also very smart.

02:30:55.000 You point out a lot of stuff to me.

02:30:57.000 He was always very smart.

02:30:58.000 He never really got hit a lot.

02:31:00.000 He didn't get in any big, big, big, big brawls with people.

02:31:04.000 You know, I mean this guy always stayed pretty clean.

02:31:07.000 It's not like he's Jiffy Jeff.

02:31:10.000 Yeah, he would make fights ugly.

02:31:12.000 He would clinch a lot, frustrate a lot of guys, but he also could crack.

02:31:17.000 And he just was a really good boxer.

02:31:20.000 The big coming out party for him was Felix Trinidad.

02:31:23.000 Right.

02:31:24.000 When he fought Felix Trinidad and just boxed his face off, everybody just saw, like, wow.

02:31:29.000 We thought Felix Trinidad was this young, hungry lion.

02:31:32.000 He was taking on the older veteran who was probably on his way down...

02:31:37.000 Bernard Hopkins wasn't on his way down.

02:31:39.000 He was just coming into his own stride then.

02:31:43.000 But he's always been so disciplined, man.

02:31:45.000 So smart with his diet.

02:31:47.000 So smart with how he takes care of his body.

02:31:49.000 Never allows himself to get out of shape.

02:31:51.000 So he's never, like, working back into shape.

02:31:53.000 And always fights intelligent and defensively.

02:31:56.000 He's always in the right position.

02:31:58.000 That's why it might work for him.

02:31:59.000 That's why at 51 it might work for him.

02:32:02.000 Very well could.

02:32:03.000 He's working out with John David Jackson, who is a two-division world champ, I believe.

02:32:08.000 I think he was at least one-division champ.

02:32:11.000 But John David Jackson, a lot of people forgot about, was a really high-level boxer in like the 90s.

02:32:17.000 This guy here?

02:32:18.000 Yep.

02:32:19.000 Yeah, John David Jackson.

02:32:20.000 He looks familiar.

02:32:21.000 He works with Sergey Kovalev.

02:32:24.000 Him and Sergey Kovalev work together.

02:32:27.000 So that was another guy that he trains.

02:32:30.000 He's like one of the most respected up-and-coming trainers, particularly because he achieved a world championship level when he was boxing.

02:32:38.000 He was a really high-level guy.

02:32:39.000 He used to work out with Terry Claibon.

02:32:42.000 You know Terry Claibon?

02:32:43.000 He used to run the Hollywood boxing gym.

02:32:45.000 What's really going on?

02:32:46.000 That guy.

02:32:47.000 I love that dude.

02:32:48.000 Where is he now?

02:32:49.000 He's in some gym in Hollywood.

02:32:51.000 I've got to stop by and say hi to him.

02:32:53.000 I saw Justin Fortune yesterday.

02:32:55.000 How's that guy doing? 1.00

02:32:57.000 Cancer could suck his dick, dog. 1.00

02:33:00.000 What happened? 1.00

02:33:01.000 He had cancer for a while, but I touched him yesterday. 0.99

02:33:04.000 Damn. 1.00

02:33:05.000 I think he beat the fuck out of it, dog. 1.00

02:33:08.000 Beat the fuck out of cancer? 0.99

02:33:09.000 I was thinking about last night when I drove around. 0.99

02:33:11.000 I was really in shock when I hugged him.

02:33:14.000 He's solid.

02:33:16.000 A bull.

02:33:18.000 I mean, you could tell he lost 20 pounds.

02:33:21.000 He was doing chemo.

02:33:22.000 I didn't ask him, but bro.

02:33:25.000 What kind of cancer was it?

02:33:27.000 Like something, a thyroid or something like that.

02:33:31.000 But man, when I hugged him yesterday, I was like, this guy got cancer. 0.99

02:33:36.000 Goddamn. 0.99

02:33:38.000 Goddamn. 0.99

02:33:39.000 Well, you know, they're way better at taking care of cancer now than they've ever been before. 0.99

02:33:43.000 Oh my God, it was like hitting the wall.

02:33:45.000 Like when I hugged him.

02:33:46.000 I hadn't seen him in a year.

02:33:48.000 I could never...

02:33:48.000 I don't go to Hollywood that much.

02:33:50.000 So yesterday I was driving and he's always training Pacquiao.

02:33:53.000 He's in the Philippines.

02:33:54.000 When I call at 6, I'm up.

02:33:56.000 I'll try to call.

02:33:57.000 I even said to him, I go, I call.

02:33:59.000 So when he's training Pacquiao, how do him and Freddie Roach work stuff out?

02:34:03.000 They go down there.

02:34:04.000 So what is the difference between what he does and what Freddie does?

02:34:07.000 I think he just does strength and fitness.

02:34:10.000 Oh, okay.

02:34:10.000 Okay, and Freddie does the mitts and everything else.

02:34:13.000 Justin was one of the first guys where his gym, I ever saw, he had like an altitude box.

02:34:18.000 Yes.

02:34:19.000 I was like, what? 0.99

02:34:20.000 Like you go in the box and it simulates high altitude and you fucking go crazy and work out in there. 0.98

02:34:27.000 Yes. 0.97

02:34:27.000 That's high level. 0.97

02:34:29.000 I mean, he had like a vacuum attached to it or something like that that was sucking air out of there.

02:34:33.000 So it was like a very low oxygen state.

02:34:35.000 Something crazy, yeah.

02:34:36.000 It used to be in the corner.

02:34:38.000 They moved it.

02:34:39.000 I didn't see it yesterday. 0.98

02:34:40.000 But, man, when I hugged him yesterday, I was like, holy fuck, this guy's still solid. 1.00

02:34:47.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:34:48.000 I'm really interested in seeing Bernard Hopkins fight this weekend. 0.99

02:34:51.000 I'm really interested.

02:34:52.000 No, next weekend.

02:34:53.000 Next weekend.

02:34:53.000 Really interested.

02:34:54.000 Are you in town?

02:34:55.000 No.

02:34:56.000 I'm gonna have to watch it on the road.

02:34:58.000 Where are you, the 17th?

02:35:00.000 Going somewhere, Joe Diaz.

02:35:02.000 Are you doing comedy?

02:35:03.000 Uh, no.

02:35:03.000 Okay.

02:35:04.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:35:06.000 I ain't gonna bother you. 1.00

02:35:07.000 I ain't asking you creepy questions, cocksucker. 1.00

02:35:09.000 I just thought you were doing comedy somewhere. 0.99

02:35:11.000 I didn't know you were going on the 17th.

02:35:12.000 No.

02:35:13.000 My next gig, I'm booked past our gig on New Year's, December 31st.

02:35:18.000 I don't have anything booked until Portland.

02:35:20.000 Nope. 0.99

02:35:20.000 Just working on new shit. 0.99

02:35:21.000 Now, what about in Toronto Friday? 0.99

02:35:24.000 You have no show?

02:35:25.000 Oh, yeah.

02:35:25.000 Yeah, we do.

02:35:26.000 Okay.

02:35:26.000 Yeah.

02:35:26.000 It's me, Russell Peters, and Big Jay Oakerson.

02:35:29.000 God damn! 1.00

02:35:32.000 That's fucking... 1.00

02:35:32.000 That's like one of those festivals. 1.00

02:35:35.000 Yeah, we sold out Massey Hall in like an hour.

02:35:38.000 It was pretty quick.

02:35:40.000 It was pretty quick.

02:35:41.000 What's Massey Hall's seat?

02:35:43.000 3,000?

02:35:44.000 2,800?

02:35:45.000 Something like that?

02:35:45.000 You doing two shows?

02:35:46.000 No.

02:35:47.000 Just one?

02:35:47.000 Just one.

02:35:47.000 Just one and have some fun.

02:35:49.000 It was, you know, Russell did the podcast.

02:35:51.000 We were just joking around.

02:35:52.000 We're like, we should do a show together.

02:35:54.000 I'm like, let's book something, man.

02:35:55.000 And I'm like, I'm going to do Massey Hall.

02:35:57.000 You want to do it with me? 0.99

02:35:57.000 He's like, fuck yeah, I'll do it. 0.99

02:35:58.000 And then, boom, it was in. 0.99

02:36:00.000 And then I talked to Big J. Actually, maybe I talked to Big J first.

02:36:04.000 I asked Big J first.

02:36:05.000 Yeah, I asked Big J first because he told me he was going to be in town for the fights.

02:36:08.000 He wanted to get tickets for the fights. 0.99

02:36:09.000 I go, fuck yeah. 0.99

02:36:10.000 I'm like, what are you doing Friday night? 0.99

02:36:12.000 And he wasn't doing anything.

02:36:13.000 I'm like, come on, man.

02:36:13.000 Let's work.

02:36:14.000 Let's have some fun.

02:36:15.000 That place is awesome.

02:36:17.000 Is it really nice?

02:36:18.000 Oh, yeah.

02:36:18.000 The Beatles played there, man.

02:36:20.000 That place has an energy. 1.00

02:36:23.000 3,000 seats for the fucking Beatles? 1.00

02:36:25.000 Well, hey man, they did whatever the fuck they wanted. 1.00

02:36:28.000 The Beatles could do whatever they wanted. 0.99

02:36:30.000 They could play 3,000 seats.

02:36:32.000 They could have played arenas.

02:36:33.000 I think they probably did everything.

02:36:36.000 I got a boogie at three.

02:36:38.000 I got to tell you something. 0.99

02:36:39.000 Let's wrap this shit up. 0.99

02:36:40.000 No, I want you to wrap this up. 0.99

02:36:42.000 When I heard this story, I was like, I don't want to hear this, and I'm not going to watch it.

02:36:47.000 Listen. 0.99

02:36:49.000 You could call me a bunch of names and shit, and I probably won't say nothing to you. 1.00

02:36:53.000 Don't fuck with me when it comes to music, and don't argue with me about restaurants. 1.00

02:36:58.000 That's what gets under my fucking core, okay? 1.00

02:37:02.000 I hate it. 1.00

02:37:02.000 So when I hate a band, I don't like a fucking band. 1.00

02:37:05.000 When I was growing up in Jersey, I got a call in there to go see Twisted Sister. 0.99

02:37:10.000 And I'm like, that's the band with the makeup.

02:37:12.000 Listen, I don't like makeup, all right? 0.99

02:37:14.000 I went with this Italian dude that had no fucking... 1.00

02:37:17.000 He had no tolerance either for bad music. 0.99

02:37:20.000 Me and him are perfect because we walked out of movies together.

02:37:23.000 We're perfect for each other.

02:37:25.000 We walked in.

02:37:26.000 I'll never forget this. 0.98

02:37:26.000 A guy came out and goes, We're Twisted fucking Sister, man. 0.98

02:37:29.000 And we looked at each other and we ran out of it. 0.98

02:37:32.000 Never again did I think of Twisted Sister.

02:37:35.000 Dog, watch the documentary.

02:37:37.000 On Twisted Sister?

02:37:38.000 They were selling 9,000 tickets, no, 14,000 tickets a week and nobody would sign them as a band.

02:37:48.000 I mean, that god-awful.

02:37:50.000 God-awful, that music.

02:37:52.000 Look at this.

02:37:54.000 God-awful.

02:37:55.000 But they became huge and famous.

02:37:57.000 Huge!

02:37:58.000 Nobody would sign them. 1.00

02:38:00.000 The fucking assistants would come up to the president of the label and go, dog, Twister's sister. 1.00

02:38:04.000 And he goes, the next person who talks to me about Twister's sister, I will fucking fire you. 1.00

02:38:09.000 I do not like him. 0.99

02:38:11.000 These guys sold so many, but it was an art. 0.99

02:38:15.000 Like, for you to understand this, you had to understand, like, they're gonna talk about all this shit you did when you did comedy. 0.98

02:38:21.000 Do you know that Dee Snider guy is jacked? 1.00

02:38:24.000 Jacked. 0.97

02:38:25.000 Jacked. 0.56

02:38:26.000 Jacked.

02:38:26.000 And somebody picked a fight with him somewhere or something like that?

02:38:30.000 Either someone picked a fight with him or there was a guy who looked exactly like Dee Snider who beat the fuck out of some dude. 0.90

02:38:36.000 I forget which one.

02:38:38.000 It's one of those. 0.98

02:38:40.000 It's either I got fooled and they revealed that it was a guy who looked just like him that kicked some dude's ass, but there was... 0.98

02:38:48.000 Is this him? 0.99

02:38:49.000 Is this him or no? 0.99

02:38:50.000 See, this guy sucker punches him, and he beats the fuck out of this dude. 0.99

02:38:57.000 Look at him. 0.99

02:38:57.000 He slams him down on the ground. 0.99

02:38:59.000 He body slammed him. 0.99

02:39:01.000 Beats the shit out of him. 0.98

02:39:02.000 Is that Dee Snider? 0.99

02:39:03.000 It doesn't say if it's him, but it comes up when you Google him.

02:39:06.000 Like when you Google Dee Snider fight.

02:39:08.000 Dude, if it is Dee Snider, Hespect.

02:39:12.000 Respect. 0.93

02:39:13.000 He beat the fuck out of that dude. 1.00

02:39:14.000 That dude sucker punched him, he body slammed him, kicked the shit out of him. 1.00

02:39:18.000 The guy was still talking shit, so he walked up on him again. 1.00

02:39:22.000 I mean, this guy had sucker punched him. 1.00

02:39:24.000 He beat the shit out of him. 0.98

02:39:26.000 If that is him. 0.97

02:39:27.000 It's not that I don't like Dee Snider.

02:39:29.000 I don't like that.

02:39:29.000 I mean, I just didn't like the music.

02:39:31.000 But after I watched his documentary, Joe, I fucking... 0.87

02:39:34.000 Like, I still don't like the music that much. 0.97

02:39:36.000 I like I'm Gonna Rock.

02:39:37.000 What is it?

02:39:38.000 We're gonna rock!

02:39:39.000 I wanna rock!

02:39:40.000 And even that right there is great.

02:39:42.000 Right there, that's tremendous.

02:39:44.000 That's the opening line of death. 0.98

02:39:47.000 But it was pretty fucking interesting. 0.98

02:39:49.000 They were doing like Long Island Wednesday, Jersey, 3,000 seats on Thursday, another 3,000 seats on Friday in the metropolitan area, and then 5,000 on Saturday. 0.95

02:40:04.000 And no one would sign him?

02:40:05.000 Nobody.

02:40:06.000 That's incredible.

02:40:07.000 And every time they were going to get signed, something else happened.

02:40:10.000 Like one guy came and was going to sign him.

02:40:12.000 He got on the plane and died of a heart attack.

02:40:14.000 The other time, they were going to play The Garden or something.

02:40:17.000 They sold out something.

02:40:19.000 Don't quote me on this.

02:40:20.000 They sold out something big in Manhattan.

02:40:23.000 5,000 seats. 1.00

02:40:25.000 Every A&R guy was going to come and the drummer got a fucking infection. 0.98

02:40:42.000 I liked him when I was a kid. 0.97

02:40:44.000 I liked a bunch of their songs.

02:40:45.000 I'm sure I bought one of their records.

02:40:47.000 That guy's a radio host now, isn't he?

02:40:50.000 I know he was.

02:40:51.000 I know I called into his radio station once.

02:40:53.000 Dee Snider? 0.97

02:40:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:40:54.000 Was he cool?

02:40:55.000 Yeah, he was really cool.

02:40:56.000 It was crazy.

02:40:57.000 It was crazy just to talk to Dee Snider.

02:40:59.000 I'm like, I'm talking to him.

02:41:00.000 I don't remember.

02:41:02.000 I called him to a radio show one time.

02:41:05.000 I'm sure I called him.

02:41:05.000 I'm talking to this guy, and after 10 minutes, I realize this is the guy that sang, Our Love's in Jeopardy.

02:41:11.000 Oh.

02:41:12.000 Baby.

02:41:13.000 And he had something else, too. 1.00

02:41:15.000 What the fuck was his name? 0.99

02:41:16.000 Do you remember Aldo Nova? 1.00

02:41:19.000 Life is just a fantasy.

02:41:20.000 Put the video on.

02:41:21.000 We'll end with the video.

02:41:22.000 Can we end with the video, please?

02:41:24.000 I don't know.

02:41:25.000 I don't know.

02:41:28.000 Do you remember the video?

02:41:30.000 Yes, I do.

02:41:31.000 Do you remember the beginning of it?

02:41:32.000 Want to play a little bit of it?

02:41:33.000 But we can't play any of the music for the people at home.

02:41:35.000 We'll just watch it for us.

02:41:37.000 Yeah, after the beginning of that video.

02:41:39.000 Aldo Nova.

02:41:39.000 Life is just a fantasy.

02:41:41.000 That was just a fantasy.

02:41:43.000 You know when this video premiered?

02:41:44.000 New Year's Eve of 1982 or 3. Give me some volume, young Jamie.

02:41:50.000 Look at this.

02:41:52.000 Wow.

02:41:53.000 This is 83?

02:41:55.000 Whoa.

02:41:57.000 That's one of the crazy things about really good video.

02:42:00.000 Like this is, you know, you see these people.

02:42:02.000 This is a time capsule.

02:42:04.000 This is people from the 80s.

02:42:06.000 You know, they talk about how...

02:42:08.000 Music isn't selling anymore.

02:42:10.000 Maybe because they don't do these goofy things.

02:42:13.000 Look at this.

02:42:14.000 Well, it's because the only way to get music back then was you gotta buy it.

02:42:19.000 It's not the case anymore.

02:42:20.000 It's pretty easy to get music now.

02:42:22.000 Now it's about making it convenient to people. 0.97

02:42:24.000 There's Aldo, motherfucking Nova with a leopard leisure suit on. 1.00

02:42:29.000 Bitch, what? 1.00

02:42:30.000 Look at him, handsome motherfucker. 1.00

02:42:33.000 He hopped out. 1.00

02:42:34.000 He didn't even say hi to anybody with his leopard.

02:42:36.000 He didn't even acknowledge the fact, yeah, I got a leopard skin leotard.

02:42:40.000 What?

02:42:41.000 You know he's still around?

02:42:42.000 Aldo Nova is?

02:42:43.000 He's just a songwriter now.

02:42:44.000 Oh.

02:42:45.000 Man, well, you can't take this away from him. 1.00

02:42:48.000 Watch this shit. 0.99

02:42:49.000 They're breaking down this door to get into this warehouse, and Aldo Nova takes his guitar out. 1.00

02:42:55.000 It gets better.

02:42:56.000 Dude, everybody stand back. 0.98

02:42:59.000 He's going to shoot the wall with his guitar. 0.56

02:43:01.000 Look at the laser. 0.91

02:43:03.000 Cuts through the door with his guitar laser.

02:43:07.000 Here it comes, baby.

02:43:11.000 Don't fast forward through that part either.

02:43:13.000 Suffer.

02:43:15.000 Suffer to get to this.

02:43:16.000 Suffer to get to the song.

02:43:20.000 You don't remember this, do you, Jamie? 0.97

02:43:22.000 Because you spent too much time on black Twitter.

02:43:24.000 Okay? 0.78

02:43:26.000 Wearing your Yeezys.

02:43:29.000 Look at them, dude.

02:43:33.000 Look at him go up there.

02:43:35.000 Here it goes.

02:43:35.000 You don't even know this song, do you?

02:43:37.000 Here we go, baby.

02:43:41.000 Jamie's look.

02:43:41.000 The look on Jamie's face.

02:43:43.000 Put the camera on you.

02:43:44.000 Can you put the camera on you?

02:43:45.000 Look at your face.

02:43:46.000 That's a legitimate reaction to hearing Aldo Nova in 2016 for the first time.

02:43:53.000 Come on, bro.

02:43:53.000 Look at that.

02:43:54.000 He's got a scarf on.

02:43:55.000 It's a leather scarf, like a snakeskin leather.

02:43:59.000 He doesn't really have a scarf, does he?

02:44:01.000 No.

02:44:07.000 Look at that outfit. 1.00

02:44:08.000 The leopard print.

02:44:11.000 It's beautiful.

02:44:12.000 This song is hypnotic.

02:44:14.000 Tell me it's not bringing you in.

02:44:16.000 Bringing you back.

02:44:17.000 What were you, like five when this came out?

02:44:19.000 You weren't even born, were you?

02:44:21.000 83. Yes, I was born in the beginning of 83. You were born in 83?

02:44:25.000 So this is your baby, your baby then.

02:44:28.000 When Jamie was born, this is probably planned.

02:44:32.000 In the hospital room.

02:44:34.000 It was a hit.

02:44:36.000 Hey Joe, and also tell them if they go to Cecil and they're pressing Joey, they get two months for free.

02:44:42.000 Oh, okay.

02:44:42.000 So they get the special for free.

02:44:44.000 Okay, so the special is free.

02:44:46.000 It's free.

02:44:46.000 Tomorrow, Cecil, Joey, and you're done for free for two months.

02:44:51.000 Put Joey in.

02:44:51.000 That's the code.

02:44:52.000 Joey for two months free.

02:44:53.000 Two months free.

02:44:54.000 Get on it, folks. 1.00

02:44:55.000 Let's blow this shit up. 1.00

02:44:56.000 I'll put it up on Twitter and Instagram. 1.00

02:44:58.000 And all that.

02:44:59.000 Here, I'm going to get a picture of you right now. 0.98

02:45:01.000 And, uh, Joey motherfucking Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. 0.98

02:45:05.000 Holla! 1.00

02:45:06.000 Bam! 0.98

02:45:09.000 Aldo Nova in the background.

02:45:10.000 That's it, folks. 1.00

02:45:11.000 I love you, motherfuckers. 1.00

02:45:12.000 We love you. 1.00

02:45:12.000 See ya. 1.00

02:45:13.000 Bye.

02:45:13.000 Happy New Year.

02:45:15.000 Happy Hanukkah.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 07, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #884 - Joey Diaz

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript