The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #888 - Ron White

00:00:00.000 Sound effects.

00:00:02.000 Or was that you?

00:00:04.000 That was me.

00:00:04.000 Okay, all right.

00:00:05.000 I thought you paid for that.

00:00:08.000 We're live.

00:00:09.000 Ron White.

00:00:10.000 Hey, Joe.

00:00:10.000 You look like you're ready to take notes.

00:00:12.000 I signed this, you know, you shoved some paperwork at me when I don't have my glasses.

00:00:16.000 I don't even know what it says.

00:00:17.000 You have glasses on.

00:00:18.000 I do.

00:00:19.000 I do.

00:00:20.000 Oh, yeah, I do.

00:00:24.000 Yeah, and I'm not sure, but I think I've just agreed to, you know, whatever.

00:00:28.000 Trust me, we wouldn't do anything terrible to you.

00:00:30.000 No, you're my friend.

00:00:31.000 I love you.

00:00:32.000 I love you, too.

00:00:33.000 We have a mutual admiration society that we don't let anybody else in.

00:00:37.000 It's been so nice. 1.00

00:00:38.000 People want in, but fuck them. 1.00

00:00:39.000 Fuck them. 1.00

00:00:40.000 It's been so nice having you around a store, man, I gotta tell you. 1.00

00:00:42.000 It's really fun.

00:00:44.000 Yeah, it's great having you around, too, man.

00:00:45.000 It's our little home base up there. 0.99

00:00:47.000 It's a fucking hoot. 0.99

00:00:48.000 It is, right? 0.99

00:00:49.000 It's like you work on everything there and then venture forth.

00:00:53.000 Right.

00:00:54.000 Yeah.

00:00:54.000 It's a spot.

00:00:55.000 Yeah.

00:00:56.000 You know, I've just got this big quandary now whether to even do another special or what it would do for me.

00:01:01.000 And, you know, Netflix is offering me money, but they're not offering me, you know, huge money.

00:01:07.000 They're offering me regular money.

00:01:09.000 You're trying to figure out if you want to?

00:01:11.000 Yeah, you know, it takes me, I'm not like some comics, you know, some comics can spit out an hour a year, and I don't, you know.

00:01:19.000 It takes me three years to write a new record, you know, but it's good, you know, but it takes me forever to do it.

00:01:25.000 I'm just not that prolific, I guess, anymore.

00:01:27.000 That's the big debate with comedians like how much time should you wait and Tom Papa and I were just talking about it and I've talked about it with Burr and with Louis CK and a bunch of different guys and Louis is doing like one a year for a while but he stopped doing that and I think he kind of agrees now that when you do one a year it's almost like it's a special full of like adolescent premises.

00:01:48.000 Yeah.

00:01:50.000 Yeah, and I've always found that my stuff ripens well, you know, on the vine, if I leave it there, if I pick it too early.

00:01:56.000 You know, I used to do a bit that was on my last album, and the punchline's not even on the album.

00:02:02.000 The punchline I wrote later, which was, it's about my wife buying me a bicycle thinking I might ride it for, you know, health reasons, and it's for sale.

00:02:10.000 And if you're looking for a bicycle, it's a great deal.

00:02:12.000 It's got 750 yards on it.

00:02:14.000 It was a demo when I bought it.

00:02:15.000 It had 350 yards already on it, but I put the other 400 yards on it myself.

00:02:19.000 That was the whole joke.

00:02:20.000 Now, here's the punchline.

00:02:22.000 And if you'd like to buy the bicycle, just go to my house in Beverly Hills, and it's 400 yards from there.

00:02:29.000 So I didn't even have the punchline.

00:02:30.000 I don't even know what I thought was funny about the other part, but when I went back and listened to it, I'm like...

00:02:34.000 I could start doing that bit again, because they still don't know how it ends, if I wanted to.

00:02:38.000 Mitch Hedberg did that.

00:02:40.000 He had a bit on his album, and he goes, this is a bit from my old album.

00:02:43.000 And he does the bit, he goes, this is the part I left out.

00:02:46.000 Oh, really?

00:02:47.000 And this is the new punchline.

00:02:48.000 Yeah.

00:02:49.000 That's hilarious.

00:02:50.000 Yeah.

00:02:51.000 Yeah, it's a funny thing, you know, development of material.

00:02:54.000 Like, you're the only one who really knows when it's done.

00:02:57.000 And sometimes you'll have something.

00:02:59.000 I've had bits that I didn't put on specials that I was doing.

00:03:02.000 I was like, this thing is not ready.

00:03:04.000 And then maybe two specials later, I'll stick it in somewhere.

00:03:07.000 Right.

00:03:08.000 Yeah, so I don't know, you know, that Netflix wants an hour.

00:03:11.000 I really think Netflix specials should be 30 minutes.

00:03:14.000 I really do.

00:03:15.000 Because I would do a 30-minute special and not burn an hour of material on it.

00:03:21.000 And, you know, I go back.

00:03:23.000 I watched yours the other day, which was great.

00:03:25.000 And I watched, oh, the Ali Wong's special.

00:03:33.000 And it was just long, you know?

00:03:35.000 It's just long.

00:03:36.000 An hour's a long time for a special.

00:03:40.000 And as much as I was impressed by Ally, and I still am impressed by Ally, but I've been impressed with what I see in the club.

00:03:48.000 When I go back and watch her special, I see what kind of confidence that brought her.

00:03:54.000 That success of that thing, it made her a better comic.

00:03:56.000 Now she really has a great, I mean, an even better presence on stage and works even slower and more commanding. 1.00

00:04:04.000 But that's what I learned from watching it.

00:04:07.000 That kind of success makes you better.

00:04:09.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:04:11.000 For her, she's sort of emerging right now.

00:04:13.000 She's one of those people that people start to talk about.

00:04:15.000 She's very, very funny.

00:04:17.000 She's really cool, too.

00:04:18.000 Really nice person.

00:04:19.000 But she's nasty and funny on stage. 1.00

00:04:22.000 Right. 1.00

00:04:23.000 Fucking vicious. 1.00

00:04:24.000 And I don't know her because now she's got a kid. 1.00

00:04:26.000 So as soon as she gets off stage, she's out of there. 1.00

00:04:28.000 So I talked to her on stage a couple of times when she was bringing me up.

00:04:32.000 Yeah, she's very friendly.

00:04:34.000 Yeah.

00:04:35.000 I don't know, man.

00:04:36.000 I'd like an hour.

00:04:37.000 I'd like a good hour special.

00:04:39.000 You know, maybe you just don't want to...

00:04:40.000 I'm cheap.

00:04:41.000 You just don't want to do it.

00:04:42.000 I'm cheap.

00:04:42.000 I don't want to do the work, man.

00:04:44.000 It's so daunting to put a...

00:04:46.000 I mean, my last special was an hour and 20 minutes.

00:04:49.000 And that's how long it was.

00:04:52.000 And when I sold it, I'm like, I don't want to go edit it.

00:04:55.000 You know, it works like that.

00:04:56.000 You can have the whole thing.

00:04:57.000 And then I'm standing there naked.

00:04:59.000 You know, I could have gotten away with 48 minutes.

00:05:03.000 You know, because it was on television.

00:05:05.000 And nobody saw it on TV because it was on CMT. Nobody watches fucking CMT. So nobody's even heard the last album and I don't do it. 0.99

00:05:12.000 Isn't country music television, isn't that real popular?

00:05:16.000 Do they call it country music television anymore or they just call it CMT? But it started out as...

00:05:21.000 Yeah, I think it still stands for country music television. 0.97

00:05:23.000 But they're trying to do a bunch of other shit now, too, right? 0.69

00:05:25.000 They try to do, you know, they did a... 0.94

00:05:27.000 I had a special with them once a year, and I would do...

00:05:31.000 Then I would just have to come up with 15 minutes, which was doable, you know, that I could actually put on TV. Most of it I shouldn't even have put on TV, but that was great.

00:05:43.000 It was the salute to the troops thing and raise money and awareness for good stuff, and then they quit doing it.

00:05:48.000 And somehow bought my special.

00:05:51.000 And so I just, you know, if I do a bit from it, you know, it kills like nobody's heard it.

00:05:58.000 So I really don't think anybody really heard it.

00:06:00.000 It only sold 12 copies of those people, you know.

00:06:03.000 Yeah, they know it.

00:06:03.000 12?

00:06:03.000 No.

00:06:04.000 I have no idea how many.

00:06:05.000 We were talking about that before the show about, like, buying things.

00:06:09.000 Like, nobody buys...

00:06:10.000 Comedy albums anymore.

00:06:11.000 They just don't make any money.

00:06:13.000 Like none.

00:06:13.000 Right.

00:06:14.000 Yeah, and you know what?

00:06:16.000 And I just started watching stuff on Netflix the other day because I just wanted to watch some of the specials of some of the people I knew up there to see what they were doing, you know, what they were working on. 0.99

00:06:26.000 And now why would you buy a fucking record? 0.89

00:06:28.000 You can just flip it over to Netflix and watch it, you know? 1.00

00:06:31.000 Well, I like listening to shit in my car. 0.96

00:06:33.000 I like when people release things on iTunes. 0.98

00:06:35.000 Yeah, my best comedy album story, and I don't mean this to be mean or anything else, but I was watching the record sales because my records were selling.

00:06:50.000 And then Dane Cook comes in, and he just blows by me.

00:06:54.000 And I'm like, who's this guy?

00:06:55.000 Because I'm not an L.A. guy.

00:06:57.000 I'm a road guy. 0.98

00:06:58.000 You know, we don't know what's going on out here, nor do we give a shit. 0.97

00:07:02.000 But I thought, well, so I was at a bookstore, and I saw it. 0.98

00:07:05.000 And I thought, well, I'm going to buy it and see what it's like.

00:07:09.000 So literally, I'll listen to it on the way home.

00:07:11.000 When I got home, I pulled it out and threw it in the trash.

00:07:14.000 Not to be mean, but just because I don't keep things I don't use.

00:07:18.000 And I knew I wouldn't listen to it again, and I wasn't going to give it to somebody else to listen to, and so I don't need it anymore.

00:07:25.000 We've run our thing.

00:07:26.000 And not to say anything bad about Dane, because plenty of bad things have been said, but...

00:07:33.000 But I just, that was so unintuit that I'm like, if that's what they're doing out there, then they're getting away with murder because those aren't punchlines, I'm sorry to tell you.

00:07:42.000 Well, that was a weird time.

00:07:44.000 He locked into some weird thing where he sort of appealed to young girls.

00:07:49.000 Like he did comedy design for young girls.

00:07:53.000 No, no, that's not you.

00:07:55.000 It's not me either.

00:07:56.000 It's not a lot of us.

00:07:56.000 Yeah.

00:07:58.000 Well, he had that fascinating stage presence, too, and just really walk on stage and take command of anything.

00:08:05.000 I don't know if he can still do it, but at one time I'd watch him, and I'm like, you'll like him or not, if you're a comic, you could probably learn something from watching him.

00:08:13.000 It was a young comic.

00:08:14.000 Just walk up there and start doing it.

00:08:16.000 Stare him down.

00:08:17.000 Don't be timid.

00:08:18.000 And he was a great stage present, but the content, I was like, why?

00:08:24.000 What?

00:08:25.000 I don't get it.

00:08:25.000 What?

00:08:26.000 I don't get it.

00:08:27.000 Why don't we...

00:08:28.000 But...

00:08:29.000 And now I guess it's turned around on him.

00:08:31.000 I mean, it's not...

00:08:32.000 I don't know.

00:08:33.000 I don't know.

00:08:33.000 Well, it turned around on him when that whole Louis C.K. plagiarism thing came out and there was a lot of shit going on.

00:08:40.000 Right. 0.99

00:08:41.000 Was he supposed to have stole something from Louis?

00:08:43.000 Oh, yeah.

00:08:44.000 Like a lot of things.

00:08:45.000 Yeah.

00:08:46.000 Before Louis was famous?

00:08:48.000 Yep.

00:08:48.000 Oh.

00:08:49.000 Yeah.

00:08:49.000 Well, that's when it's easy.

00:08:50.000 Yeah.

00:08:51.000 Yeah, Louis was...

00:08:52.000 Get them while they're young.

00:08:53.000 Well, Louis wasn't young.

00:08:55.000 Louis was older than him.

00:08:56.000 But Louis, he made it first.

00:08:58.000 He broke through first.

00:09:00.000 Right.

00:09:01.000 And then it became a giant controversy.

00:09:03.000 Like, Louis even addressed it on his television show.

00:09:05.000 Like, he had Dane on as a guest on a show.

00:09:09.000 I heard about that.

00:09:09.000 Yeah, and they kind of went over it.

00:09:11.000 It was very weird.

00:09:12.000 Like, Louis, he's so nice.

00:09:14.000 Like, the way he handled it was so nice.

00:09:16.000 Like, he wasn't mean about it at all.

00:09:18.000 Right.

00:09:19.000 He's not like you and Mencia.

00:09:21.000 Well, that was a different story.

00:09:23.000 That was just the best thing ever. 1.00

00:09:24.000 You had every comic in the country just cheering your fucking name, man. 0.99

00:09:28.000 Go get him, Joe. 1.00

00:09:30.000 And you're such a badass.

00:09:31.000 What's he going to do? 0.89

00:09:32.000 Slap you? 0.84

00:09:33.000 You know, you can either listen to it or he can beat you up or whatever you want.

00:09:39.000 What are you going to do?

00:09:40.000 That was the worst I've ever seen, though.

00:09:41.000 I've seen plagiarists before. 1.00

00:09:43.000 I've seen guys get away with stealing people's shit. 0.99

00:09:45.000 I've never seen someone that blatant. 1.00

00:09:47.000 He was a bully about it. 1.00

00:09:49.000 He would do your shit. 1.00

00:09:50.000 He would go on in front of you and do your shit. 1.00

00:09:52.000 He would bring you up at the store and do your closing bit before he brought you up. 1.00

00:09:57.000 Man.

00:09:58.000 Yeah, I think it's one of those things like a serial killer wants to get caught, you know?

00:10:02.000 You think that's what it is?

00:10:03.000 Yeah, I do.

00:10:04.000 I really do.

00:10:05.000 I really do.

00:10:06.000 Well, you know, the only thing that matters to me really is, I mean, or the thing I'm most proud of is that I'm respected by my peers. 0.94

00:10:15.000 That I didn't get here in some fucking cheap way. 0.96

00:10:17.000 I did my fucking 30 years in 9 million clubs and 12,000 shows. 0.98

00:10:22.000 And if I didn't have that, I don't know if I'd be able to show my face around here. 0.98

00:10:27.000 No, you wouldn't.

00:10:28.000 That's all there is, I think.

00:10:30.000 I think for people like us, it's probably the most important thing because there's so few of us.

00:10:35.000 I mean, is there a thousand working comedians?

00:10:37.000 Is there even a thousand?

00:10:38.000 I mean, there might not even be a thousand.

00:10:40.000 Yeah, it's a tiny, tiny subculture.

00:10:44.000 And out of that subculture, Maybe 300 of them I want to see, you know? 0.91

00:10:44.000 Tiny. 0.91

00:10:49.000 Yeah.

00:10:50.000 Maybe.

00:10:51.000 Maybe.

00:10:52.000 Right?

00:10:52.000 So you're one of 300 people out of 300 million.

00:10:56.000 That's a tiny amount. 0.99

00:10:58.000 Fuck yeah, Ron White. 1.00

00:10:59.000 Look at you. 1.00

00:11:00.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:11:00.000 I'm getting buff. 1.00

00:11:02.000 I'm getting buff just sitting here.

00:11:03.000 You got fired up right there.

00:11:05.000 I wish we brought you tequila, man.

00:11:05.000 I sure did.

00:11:08.000 I'm glad I really if I would have I'd have sat here and drank it with you and then I'd have been oh now I had to get that Range Rover back to back to LA. That's what Uber's for.

00:11:18.000 You got some good goddamn tequila. 0.99

00:11:20.000 I love the fact that you sell your own tequila. 0.99

00:11:23.000 Well, you know what?

00:11:24.000 We wouldn't have done it, but the Riveskish family that makes it wouldn't sell it here. 1.00

00:11:27.000 And so we just pestered them because we couldn't buy it until my brother-in-law did.

00:11:33.000 And he pestered them for four years, and they finally said, okay, you can bring it over there.

00:11:38.000 They only sell it in Mexico?

00:11:39.000 They only sell it in Mexico.

00:11:42.000 In Mexico, they sell it for three times what I sell it for here.

00:11:45.000 And they only sell it in the resort cities, people coming off those boats, and, you know, it's the best tequila that most liquor stores will ever touch.

00:11:55.000 And so it's called the Gift of God over there.

00:12:00.000 I don't even know how to say it.

00:12:02.000 Spanish?

00:12:03.000 Yeah, she's Mexican, so she could tell you, though.

00:12:05.000 Does she speak fluent?

00:12:07.000 Does she get mad at you and speak in Spanish? 0.92

00:12:07.000 Oh, yeah. 0.92

00:12:10.000 No, but what she does do is she's a voiceover artist as well as a singer, so she can do any accent there is. 0.99

00:12:17.000 And she has different wigs for different accents, and she lets me fuck them all. 1.00

00:12:21.000 Oh, nice. 1.00

00:12:22.000 Yeah, it's fucking great, man. 0.97

00:12:23.000 That's fantastic. 0.95

00:12:24.000 I can't ask for them specifically.

00:12:26.000 They just show up.

00:12:27.000 Oh, what an interesting little situation.

00:12:30.000 Yeah, one of them is named Donna, and she's a bank teller from Denton, Texas. 0.98

00:12:37.000 And, you know, she's sloppy, man. 1.00

00:12:40.000 Just sloppy blowjobs, and it's different. 1.00

00:12:43.000 Donna is? 0.99

00:12:43.000 Yeah, Donna is. 0.99

00:12:44.000 Donna's off the charts.

00:12:45.000 Is she your favorite?

00:12:46.000 There's a little French girl.

00:12:48.000 There's a little girl from Japan.

00:12:53.000 I like them all, you know.

00:12:54.000 I like to mix them up. 0.98

00:12:57.000 Don't ever want to say that Donna gives a better blowjob than Margo, because it's technically not true, but she's still like, oh, really? 0.98

00:13:03.000 I'm like, oh, come on. 0.99

00:13:04.000 It's you?

00:13:05.000 Yeah, it's you, honey.

00:13:06.000 How could you get upset at you?

00:13:08.000 She's getting jealous of herself.

00:13:09.000 Right. 0.98

00:13:10.000 That's ridiculous. 0.94

00:13:11.000 But it can happen. 1.00

00:13:12.000 Why, just because she spits on your dick? 1.00

00:13:13.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:13:14.000 Yeah.

00:13:15.000 Oh, can you say that on a podcast?

00:13:16.000 Yeah, you definitely can.

00:13:16.000 Okay, good.

00:13:17.000 For sure.

00:13:18.000 Yeah, some people are into that. 0.99

00:13:19.000 The spitting on the dick thing. 0.99

00:13:21.000 It's just like, whoa, we are getting dirty for sure. 0.99

00:13:23.000 Puh.

00:13:24.000 It's just, you know, people that can't afford lube.

00:13:24.000 Yeah.

00:13:27.000 When do you think that started, the spitting on the dick? 0.99

00:13:29.000 Because I don't think they did that in the 80s. 0.99

00:13:30.000 You don't think so?

00:13:31.000 I don't think so.

00:13:32.000 I never saw it.

00:13:33.000 You know, it's just, I think you porn brought it around, brought it into the light.

00:13:38.000 Yeah.

00:13:39.000 Yeah.

00:13:39.000 When you see variety instantaneously, like you don't have to venture forth into the weird sections.

00:13:44.000 You know, like if you're in a video store back in the old days, you had to go through those beads.

00:13:48.000 He and I remember those.

00:13:49.000 It was either saloon doors or beads.

00:13:52.000 We had to go into the section of the video store that had the porn and you always felt so full of shame when you were wandering through there.

00:13:58.000 It was horrible.

00:14:00.000 It was like, oh man, nobody does this but me.

00:14:02.000 But now you know.

00:14:04.000 But at least back then, no one had a phone with a camera.

00:14:06.000 So you couldn't take a video. 0.99

00:14:08.000 Look, I'm watching Ron White go to the fucking dirty section. 1.00

00:14:10.000 Is that a lump in his pants? 1.00

00:14:12.000 Is that gay porn you look at? 1.00

00:14:14.000 He's looking at the gag stuff. 1.00

00:14:16.000 He likes people to gag.

00:14:17.000 I do.

00:14:18.000 But that's the thing now.

00:14:19.000 It's like you can go to any one of those websites and have the porn on it, and you can just keep scrolling.

00:14:25.000 Like, oh, check this out.

00:14:26.000 And you get it instantaneously, and it's free.

00:14:28.000 Right.

00:14:28.000 But that's what I like about YouPorn, is that...

00:14:33.000 Is I don't have to worry about seeing something I don't want to see. 0.83

00:14:36.000 You know, I'm such a raging heterosexual.

00:14:39.000 And I tried one time. 1.00

00:14:40.000 I was in a hotel room, they had gay porn. 1.00

00:14:42.000 I'm like, I'm going to watch some gay porn. 1.00

00:14:43.000 See if it does anything with click. 1.00

00:14:45.000 Nothing. 0.94

00:14:46.000 Not a damn thing.

00:14:47.000 I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:14:50.000 This is fucking horrible. 0.99

00:14:52.000 And I guess I'm, you know, fucking some people are just straight. 1.00

00:14:54.000 Well, women like dick. 1.00

00:14:56.000 So, I mean, it makes sense that some men like dick. 1.00

00:14:59.000 I get it. 0.99

00:15:01.000 I do too, but I didn't get it.

00:15:03.000 It just doesn't, you know. 0.99

00:15:05.000 That fucking story that you're telling on stage now, the story that you told about the prostitute situation? 1.00

00:15:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:15:12.000 The one you encouraged me to do.

00:15:16.000 It's so funny.

00:15:17.000 We were crying.

00:15:17.000 You had to tell that.

00:15:18.000 I'll tell you our listeners.

00:15:21.000 Now they're our listeners.

00:15:22.000 It's everybody.

00:15:23.000 The Joe and Ron show.

00:15:24.000 Thank you.

00:15:25.000 I'll be here every Thursday at 1.30.

00:15:28.000 But it was true. 0.98

00:15:30.000 I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old to a girl, a prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, who was overweight and her teeth had no general direction or color, but she was well within my budget. 0.91

00:15:47.000 But I got stationed at Pearl, and I found out after a while, once you've been on this one part of Oahu, Hotel Street, these really cute girls would jump in your car and blow you for $5. 1.00

00:15:57.000 And it's like the best deal I've ever even fucking heard of.

00:15:59.000 I mean, I was like there twice a day, you know? 0.94

00:16:03.000 And I was there for eight months, and six months ago I was watching this documentary on transvestites, and they started talking about the transvestite scene on Hotel Street on Oahu.

00:16:14.000 I've been there for 55 years.

00:16:15.000 I'm like... 1.00

00:16:17.000 I let 150 dudes suck my dick. 1.00

00:16:21.000 What's the record? 1.00

00:16:24.000 What's the record before you find out?

00:16:28.000 I wonder what the record is.

00:16:30.000 I don't know, but God, I have to be close.

00:16:33.000 I've dodged that bullet, but I've come close.

00:16:35.000 I think I've dodged that bullet.

00:16:37.000 Yeah.

00:16:37.000 If I hadn't dodged the bullet, kudos to whoever pretended to be a girl.

00:16:42.000 Apparently, a tongue is a tongue and a tooth is a tooth because you can't tell man mouth from woman mouth. 1.00

00:16:47.000 Now, if it would have been a hand job, I'd have been going, hey, you're a plumber, dude. 1.00

00:16:50.000 Get that hand off my cock. 1.00

00:16:52.000 Thick gorilla hands. 1.00

00:16:53.000 Yeah, Jesus.

00:16:54.000 What do you think I am? 1.00

00:16:56.000 Yeah, and I would imagine that somebody who has a dick probably knows how to work it. 1.00

00:17:00.000 I guess. 0.99

00:17:01.000 I tell you what, these girls had made quick work of me twice a day, 45 seconds. 1.00

00:17:05.000 I was in my little Datsun B-210 heading back to the ship.

00:17:10.000 Do you say girls with air quotes? 0.92

00:17:12.000 With air quotes?

00:17:13.000 Girls? 0.96

00:17:14.000 Yeah.

00:17:14.000 Well, I still don't like to think of them as dudes, you know?

00:17:16.000 In my mind, I don't let myself go, but they're still hot little girls.

00:17:20.000 Not little girls. 0.99

00:17:21.000 These were fully developed men with tits. 1.00

00:17:25.000 They had tits? 1.00

00:17:26.000 They did. 0.99

00:17:27.000 And I was always wondering, well, let me play with their pose, you know?

00:17:31.000 They let you get some titty, but you start going down there where the junk is, and they were like swatting your hand away.

00:17:37.000 I'm like...

00:17:39.000 Now, that should have been a bit of a flag.

00:17:42.000 I don't know.

00:17:43.000 Yeah.

00:17:43.000 Well, now you know.

00:17:45.000 It's one of those things.

00:17:46.000 Yeah, right.

00:17:47.000 So, you were in the Navy?

00:17:48.000 Is that what you were doing?

00:17:49.000 I was.

00:17:49.000 Yeah?

00:17:50.000 How long?

00:17:51.000 I wasn't in real long.

00:17:54.000 They...

00:17:55.000 You know, I just wasn't cut out for it.

00:17:58.000 I had the wrong mouth for it.

00:18:01.000 I stayed in trouble.

00:18:03.000 I didn't, you know, I just did a lot of drugs and, you know, I just, I was horrible out.

00:18:08.000 And they discharged me.

00:18:09.000 It was an honorable discharge under medical conditions from the Naval Drug Rehabilitation Center in Miramar, California.

00:18:15.000 Oh, wow.

00:18:16.000 So what did you have to get rehabilitated for?

00:18:20.000 Well, I had actually never seen drugs until I got to the Naval Drug Rehabilitation Center in Miramar, California.

00:18:25.000 I mean, everybody had drugs.

00:18:27.000 You know, I was positive for heroin on a Westpac, but so were eight other people on the ship.

00:18:32.000 And then when we ate a ton of acid, you know, it was 75, and I was 18 years old, and I was off the hook wild.

00:18:43.000 And, you know...

00:18:48.000 Actually, in my hearing to get me out, the commander of our base called me a hole in our national line of defense.

00:18:58.000 I'm like, God, that's horrible.

00:19:02.000 What's worse than that, I wonder?

00:19:04.000 Nothing.

00:19:05.000 That seems a little exaggerating.

00:19:06.000 Yeah, like when we're playing Red Rover, you know?

00:19:10.000 Relax.

00:19:12.000 The hole in our national defense.

00:19:14.000 We weren't even at war in 75, right?

00:19:15.000 Wasn't that the tail end of the Vietnam War?

00:19:19.000 Did you join or did you get drafted?

00:19:19.000 Wow.

00:19:21.000 No, there was no draft.

00:19:22.000 My father drafted me.

00:19:23.000 I got kicked out of high school and they weren't going to put me back in this time.

00:19:28.000 And so I was 17. I kind of had my life mapped out because I worked...

00:19:33.000 Washing dishes at this huge restaurant called Lynchburg Crossing in close to Pasadena, Texas and right on the channel.

00:19:42.000 Gigantic place.

00:19:43.000 Unbelievable and served family-style all kinds of seafood and chicken and stuff.

00:19:48.000 It was really popular.

00:19:49.000 But they didn't have, they didn't go hire people to wash dishes.

00:19:53.000 They would go bail these drunks out of jail and they had bunkhouses in the back and the dishwashers would sleep back there. 1.00

00:20:00.000 They'd drink all the half drinks that came back and Crash there.

00:20:04.000 So I really, at 17 years old, I was thinking, well, I could, when I'm 17, I could join the Merchant Marines at 17, which was wrong.

00:20:15.000 And then I worked there until I retired, and then I'd go wash dishes until I'd die in that place.

00:20:21.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:20:21.000 Fuck out. 1.00

00:20:22.000 Like the old drunk that used to roll his joints. 1.00

00:20:24.000 We couldn't roll joints very good, and this guy could.

00:20:26.000 We came in there one day just dead as he could be.

00:20:29.000 Isn't it funny when...

00:20:30.000 He was dead?

00:20:30.000 Dead.

00:20:31.000 Oh, of?

00:20:33.000 Cirrhosis.

00:20:33.000 I mean, these guys were bad.

00:20:36.000 I mean, bad booze hounds.

00:20:38.000 But, you know, pretty good dishwashers.

00:20:40.000 Isn't it funny when you look back on your life, getting kicked out of high school, all the trouble you were in, getting kicked out of the Navy...

00:20:47.000 Getting blown by a bunch of dudes accidentally.

00:20:48.000 It's all the recipes of being a great comic, but nobody ever looks at it that way.

00:20:52.000 Right, yeah.

00:20:53.000 You don't have some of that stuff in there.

00:20:55.000 What are you going to write about? 0.80

00:20:57.000 It's almost like you have to come up to everybody who's a fuck-up and go, look, I know you're not fitting in here, but there's a place where you do. 0.97

00:21:04.000 Right. 0.99

00:21:05.000 There's a place where you do it. 0.99

00:21:06.000 There's a fucking whole clan of us. 0.99

00:21:08.000 You just got to figure out how to do it. 1.00

00:21:10.000 I'm telling you, Joe, the first time I walked on stage, literally I went to myself, I'm a fuck-up. 1.00

00:21:16.000 I'm a fucking comedian. 1.00

00:21:18.000 Why didn't somebody tell me? 1.00

00:21:20.000 I could have avoided a bunch of that other stuff and just started...

00:21:23.000 I was 29 when I figured it out.

00:21:25.000 I was 21. Same feeling.

00:21:27.000 Right after I did it, I was like, this is it.

00:21:29.000 I found it.

00:21:30.000 This is it.

00:21:30.000 This is the one that works.

00:21:32.000 Yeah.

00:21:32.000 I mean, I wasn't good.

00:21:33.000 I knew I wasn't good.

00:21:34.000 I knew I was like, there's a lot of work to be done.

00:21:37.000 But I'm like, this could be my job.

00:21:38.000 I could do this.

00:21:39.000 Oh, I didn't think I'd ever do it professionally or anything like that.

00:21:41.000 I just knew I was a comic.

00:21:43.000 You know, I knew I was a comedian.

00:21:44.000 And, uh... 0.99

00:21:45.000 But I never ever saw all this fame and fortune shit coming. 0.97

00:21:49.000 I mean, I never really sat around asking the universe for it. 0.98

00:21:53.000 I never thought it would happen.

00:21:54.000 Even though I watched it happen to Foxworthy, you know, he's the biggest selling comic of all time by a lot.

00:22:00.000 He sold more records than Pryor and Cosby combined.

00:22:03.000 And he blew up standing right next to me, but I never gave it one second of thought that it would happen to me.

00:22:09.000 Well, when the Blue Collar Tour kicked off and then it took off for you, how old were you?

00:22:16.000 Let's see, probably 45 or so, 45 or 46. So you're just working as a comic up until 45 and then boom!

00:22:24.000 16 years, clubs, 50 weeks a year, doing nine shows a week, which is how you get good at this.

00:22:31.000 That's the best way to do it, not here, out there, working on different crowds. 0.84

00:22:38.000 And then Jeff, you know, signed me up for this thing, and the first time I heard the idea, I told him, that's retarded. 1.00

00:22:45.000 That's how smart I am.

00:22:48.000 And the whole clincher to my career is Warner Brothers decided to make a movie out of that thing.

00:22:56.000 And I didn't even see that.

00:22:59.000 I mean, I had a, yeah, Warner Brothers is going to make a movie out of it, and Kathleen Madigan's falling out of her chair. 1.00

00:23:04.000 They're going, what?

00:23:05.000 I'm like, yeah, that's what they said.

00:23:07.000 But I had no idea what that meant.

00:23:09.000 You know, I don't know. 0.99

00:23:10.000 I'm an idiot from Northwest Texas, so I'm like, it sounds good. 0.99

00:23:14.000 But then it, you know, for some reason, it just tested. 0.99

00:23:19.000 It was really well-liked across the board.

00:23:23.000 And it was one of the biggest-selling comedy albums of all time, or DVDs, four million copies.

00:23:29.000 Well, it was giant.

00:23:30.000 I remember when it came out.

00:23:32.000 It was just one of those things like, whoa, nobody ever did that before.

00:23:34.000 Nobody ever put together a bunch of killers and then did a movie.

00:23:38.000 Well, actually, the Kings of Comedy did. 0.95

00:23:41.000 Yeah, we totally ripped off the black man again, you know. 1.00

00:23:41.000 They did it first? 1.00

00:23:46.000 Goddammit, Ron White. 0.97

00:23:47.000 But, you know, it was just a blue-collar shot at it.

00:23:52.000 Not necessarily, you know, redneck, but, you know, just people that work for a living. 0.80

00:23:56.000 They like who likes us, you know.

00:23:59.000 But the catalyst from that made Dan Whitney ridiculously famous and made me famous and did a lot for Bill.

00:24:10.000 But Jeff was already, you know, Jeff, so...

00:24:12.000 Do you call Dan Whitney, Dan Whitney, or do you call him Larry the Cable Guy?

00:24:16.000 Do you ever call him up, hey Larry? 0.99

00:24:18.000 You say, who the fuck is this? 0.99

00:24:19.000 No, I don't call him Larry. 1.00

00:24:21.000 Did you know him forever as Dan?

00:24:21.000 I don't.

00:24:23.000 Yeah.

00:24:24.000 Yeah, but you know what?

00:24:25.000 I never knew, I never saw the act that it wasn't all Larry the Cable Guy.

00:24:28.000 And I know it used to be.

00:24:30.000 And one of the funniest things I ever saw was that there used to be this tape in the South County Funny Bone in St. Louis in the condo where they live, a shitty little apartment they put us in.

00:24:42.000 And it was called Bovine Women from Somewhere. 1.00

00:24:45.000 It was about huge fat girls. 1.00

00:24:48.000 And it was a copy.

00:24:51.000 It had been around for a while, the condo.

00:24:53.000 So we'd play it for people as a joke when they came over.

00:24:56.000 And he had a VHS camera.

00:24:59.000 And because that was a copy, he edited himself into the movie. 0.95

00:25:03.000 And it was fucking outrageously funny. 0.98

00:25:08.000 So was it a porn? 1.00

00:25:09.000 A fat woman porn? 1.00

00:25:10.000 Yeah, and so somebody would be fucking her from behind, and then he'd turn the camera around and his Dan just worked out, this could be you, Marty, the manager of the club. 1.00

00:25:19.000 But it was very, very funny. 0.98

00:25:21.000 Made me laugh.

00:25:22.000 Somebody stole it after that.

00:25:23.000 Nobody wanted to steal it before it was edited, but somebody took it after that.

00:25:27.000 Yeah, that was back when you need to edit things.

00:25:29.000 You used to have two VCRs.

00:25:31.000 Right.

00:25:32.000 You used to have a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and go back and forth and back and forth.

00:25:35.000 Yeah, but those VHS cameras at the end, you know, because I had one too...

00:25:40.000 I used to tape nearly everything I did.

00:25:45.000 If it didn't have a tab broken off of it, you could just record right over whatever little part of it you wanted to.

00:25:52.000 That's right, the tab!

00:25:54.000 Yeah, if it had a tab, you couldn't do it.

00:25:55.000 So that's what you did for your wedding video.

00:25:58.000 I forgot about that tab.

00:25:59.000 Like, if you took the tab off, then nobody could record on it.

00:26:02.000 Right.

00:26:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:26:03.000 But if it was still there, and this one was still there, so he just punched himself right into it.

00:26:08.000 The first scene is this big old 500-pounder.

00:26:12.000 She's opening a refrigerator door, so the reveal is the light of the refrigerator through her thighs, and they're gigantic, and it's a cutaway to him drinking a glass of milk going...

00:26:22.000 Real slapsticky stuff, but if you didn't see it coming, it was a big laugh.

00:26:30.000 I saw a video of him doing stand-up as Dan Whitney, and I was like, wow, this is so weird.

00:26:35.000 Yeah.

00:26:36.000 So he had, you know, his shirt tucked in his pants, he had like a polo shirt on.

00:26:40.000 Right.

00:26:41.000 The whole deal.

00:26:41.000 Yeah, it was really smart, I mean, what he did, and, you know, at one time Larry was just a character that he did in the act, and then eventually Larry took over.

00:26:52.000 That's like the Diceman. 0.92

00:26:53.000 Yeah.

00:26:54.000 Same thing.

00:26:55.000 That was a character that he did in his show?

00:26:57.000 Yeah, he was Andrew Silverstein.

00:26:58.000 He would go on stage as Andrew Silverstein, and he had a bunch of impressions that he would do.

00:27:02.000 He would do an impression of Travolta, he would do an Al Pacino impression, and then at the end of his act, he would do the Dice Man.

00:27:10.000 And the Dice Man was essentially a version, his take on Jerry Lewis and the Nutty Professor. 0.80

00:27:17.000 Remember when Jerry Lewis and the Nutty Professor, he was like this nerdy guy, and he drinks some fucking potion, and all of a sudden becomes this really cool guy?

00:27:23.000 Like, that was what Andrew did. 0.86

00:27:25.000 He had just become this Dice Man character, and he put the leather jacket on, and oh! 0.99

00:27:31.000 And then the rhymes and all that shit. 0.99

00:27:33.000 Right. 0.99

00:27:34.000 And...

00:27:35.000 His act was so unique because he was the first guy where you could repeat the punchlines back and everybody liked it, almost like a song.

00:27:42.000 Right.

00:27:43.000 Like if someone's singing a song, you like to sing along.

00:27:46.000 Yeah.

00:27:47.000 But for comedy, that was never the case.

00:27:49.000 It doesn't work because there's no such thing as a hit joke.

00:27:52.000 Right.

00:27:52.000 There's a popular bit, but there's no such thing as a hit joke.

00:27:56.000 You never want to hear it again.

00:27:56.000 Once you know the joke, you know the joke.

00:27:58.000 Yeah.

00:27:59.000 Well, my fans, you know, they bitch at me because I won't do anything that's old, and they want to hear me do Tater Salad, and they want to hear me do some of that stuff, but there are long bits.

00:28:09.000 There are long stories.

00:28:10.000 They already know them.

00:28:11.000 So if I start one, I did it in Madison Square Garden last time I was there.

00:28:15.000 I opened with it.

00:28:16.000 And I hadn't done it in 12 years.

00:28:16.000 Oh, really?

00:28:17.000 I had to go back and listen to it 10 times because it's a complicated piece of comedy.

00:28:21.000 It doesn't sound like it, but it is.

00:28:23.000 You know, it still pays rhythm and timing all the way through this eight-minute-long joke.

00:28:28.000 Or story.

00:28:29.000 And so I did it, and when I started it, you'd have thought I was one of the Beatles.

00:28:35.000 They just went absolutely nuts.

00:28:36.000 But then I got to drag them through an eight-minute-long piece they already know.

00:28:40.000 So now they're not, you know, it's not the response I used to get that I loved to get from it.

00:28:44.000 So if I don't get what I want, then you don't get what you want.

00:28:49.000 But it was fun to do that one time, but I just won't go back and, you know.

00:28:53.000 Yeah, like Gaffigan is a prisoner to Hot Pockets.

00:28:57.000 He's a prisoner.

00:28:57.000 Well, that's a good prison to be in.

00:28:59.000 That's a great prison to be in.

00:29:00.000 It's a funny guy, but he has to do that bit.

00:29:02.000 Well, Foxworthy has to do the You Might Be a Rednecks, but he's also got 10,000 of them. 0.52

00:29:07.000 Yeah, that's fine, though.

00:29:08.000 He's got so many virgins of it.

00:29:08.000 That's different.

00:29:10.000 And he only does five or six at the end of the show.

00:29:12.000 I mean, that's been for years that he hasn't hardly done any of that, and that's what he was always known for, which was just a great idea for a bit that now has calendars.

00:29:23.000 True.

00:29:24.000 Just crazy, crazy the money he made off that.

00:29:26.000 Oh, that was a genius bit.

00:29:28.000 He just nailed it.

00:29:29.000 He figured out this perfect formula.

00:29:32.000 Yeah, he's a funny guy, man.

00:29:34.000 Jeff Foxboy does not get the credit he deserves. 0.98

00:29:36.000 No, he's probably the most prolific writer that I know, and I also just owe him fucking everything. 0.97

00:29:36.000 No. 0.97

00:29:45.000 He seems like a really nice guy, too.

00:29:47.000 He is a sweetheart of a man.

00:29:48.000 Humble.

00:29:50.000 Takes his kids to school every day, goes to church, has a mission project that he works on.

00:29:56.000 Very, very straight.

00:29:57.000 He was a little wilder when he was in the clubs, you know, but that's the way he was raised.

00:30:01.000 That's kind of what he went back to.

00:30:03.000 Where does he live?

00:30:04.000 In Georgia, in Atlanta.

00:30:06.000 Wow.

00:30:07.000 In a house the size of a college.

00:30:10.000 I'm sure. 1.00

00:30:12.000 I'm not talking about this University of Phoenix shit either. 0.99

00:30:14.000 I'm talking about Duke. 0.99

00:30:17.000 Yeah, that's...

00:30:18.000 You kind of have to buy one of those when you get that rich.

00:30:21.000 Well, you know, he's just the real deal, you know.

00:30:27.000 But you're right.

00:30:28.000 People kind of rat on me.

00:30:29.000 If I hear any other comics...

00:30:31.000 You know, sometimes they'll rag on the blue-collar tour.

00:30:34.000 You know, a lot of people didn't like Dan.

00:30:37.000 But it was all comics, and I've never performed for comics once in my life.

00:30:40.000 And I tell other comics, here's the worst thing you can do.

00:30:43.000 Perform for those comics in the back, because that's not whoever's going to come to see you or pay money.

00:30:48.000 Don't perform for them.

00:30:49.000 Perform for those people in the seats.

00:30:51.000 And so, you know, and whatever it was is whatever it was, and he just got popular. 0.99

00:30:55.000 And if it wouldn't have been for that huge popularity, nobody would have given a shit. 0.98

00:30:59.000 Well, that's that thing that happens when something becomes really popular, is that people decide to shit on it, even though it doesn't make... 0.99

00:31:04.000 Like, there's nothing wrong with Larry the Cable Guy's act. 0.95

00:31:07.000 It's a funny act.

00:31:08.000 He's a funny guy.

00:31:09.000 And he's a pace, rhythm, and timing comic, and he's really good at it. 0.73

00:31:12.000 He's very good at it, but I remember when he was huge, and he still is, but I mean, when it was all happening, when it was first happening, and he was doing fucking football arenas, all these... 0.70

00:31:22.000 Like, David Cross wrote some fucking open letter to Larry the Cable Guy, and I'm like, what are you doing? 0.84

00:31:27.000 Like, this doesn't make any sense. 0.98

00:31:28.000 Like, what is he doing wrong?

00:31:30.000 Like, I don't understand.

00:31:31.000 What are you trying to say? 0.88

00:31:32.000 That this character, this ridiculous, over-the-top character that he's doing isn't funny? 0.97

00:31:36.000 He's saying it's racist? 0.97

00:31:37.000 What are you saying?

00:31:38.000 There were a few people that really took issue with it, and it's just comedy.

00:31:41.000 If you don't like it, listen to something else.

00:31:43.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:31:43.000 That's the end, you know, the long and the short of it.

00:31:46.000 You know, it's not exactly my cup of tea, but I know how good he is, still.

00:31:53.000 You know, and...

00:31:56.000 I would go out of my way to see Jeff, and I probably wouldn't go out of my way to see him just to see him, but that, his style is not exactly my cup of tea, but that doesn't matter.

00:32:07.000 I can still see how good he is at it, and saw what he did and the impact that he had.

00:32:12.000 And then also, the addition, he wasn't one of the original guys.

00:32:16.000 There was another guy, and then Jeff got rid of him.

00:32:21.000 Who was the other guy?

00:32:23.000 You don't remember?

00:32:24.000 Nah, I can remember.

00:32:26.000 You don't want to say it?

00:32:27.000 No, I totally would say, but he was a guy from...

00:32:29.000 I just have a shitty memory.

00:32:31.000 Sometimes I can remember his name, and sometimes I can't remember his name.

00:32:35.000 He's the last Beatle. 0.98

00:32:36.000 He's that lost Beatle, that one guy that gets kicked out of the Beatles and fucking, to this day, beats his head against the wall. 0.87

00:32:41.000 I don't know what he does now, but he was a good comic, but he was on some kind of medication that made him just get in Jeff's face and talk to him nonstop, and Jeff doesn't like that. 0.98

00:32:52.000 And Jeff's like, hey, I'm taking a piss, dude.

00:32:55.000 Can you give me a minute?

00:32:56.000 Oh, no.

00:32:57.000 Like an Adderall type thing or something?

00:32:58.000 Yeah, I guess so.

00:32:59.000 But he was just...

00:33:00.000 And then he would...

00:33:01.000 You know, we're doing these big shows.

00:33:03.000 They're like, well, I put $12 on a cab and nobody's paid me back.

00:33:07.000 And... 0.99

00:33:08.000 You guys doing fucking arenas? 1.00

00:33:11.000 You're right. 1.00

00:33:12.000 You're pitching about $12?

00:33:13.000 Well, that's the wrong guy.

00:33:15.000 Right.

00:33:15.000 So, and then Dan came in and just shook things up, you know, and really, you know...

00:33:21.000 Like it, don't like it, doesn't matter.

00:33:23.000 He destroyed every night.

00:33:25.000 What's Bill Ingvall up to these days?

00:33:28.000 Yeah, I saw him, we auditioned for the same part in the movie.

00:33:32.000 Not too long ago, so I saw him at this audition, and it was for, I don't remember the name of the movie, but it was a huge cast, really big people in it, but the role sucked, and I mean, the role was just nothing, and then I got sideways with the people doing the interview,

00:33:48.000 because they said it was a reading, so I didn't memorize the script, you know, and I came in, but I wear these tinted yellow glasses a lot of the time, and she said, can you take off the glasses?

00:33:59.000 They're too modern for this I'm like, well, if you want me to read it, the glasses are not for show.

00:34:06.000 They just happen to be yellow.

00:34:08.000 So whoever's watching it, have them close their eyes and imagine me with shitty glasses on if that's okay, but I'm not going to take them off.

00:34:17.000 And then she goes, well, I guess if you get this role, you'll cancel your live schedule. 0.72

00:34:22.000 I said, no, I won't.

00:34:24.000 No, I won't.

00:34:25.000 I was clear with him.

00:34:26.000 I said, if I'm going to do it, you've got to do it around my schedule.

00:34:28.000 I'm not canceling any days for it.

00:34:30.000 And I'm like, oh, now I'm in a fight at the casting office.

00:34:32.000 You know, that's probably not going to get this.

00:34:34.000 I didn't want it anyway.

00:34:35.000 I'd just come off of roadies.

00:34:37.000 And that was kind of disappointing. 0.99

00:34:39.000 It's a fucking weird business, man. 0.97

00:34:41.000 And the interaction that you have with the casting director is very strange. 0.99

00:34:44.000 I've had some good ones, really nice conversations, sweet people.

00:34:47.000 Oh, me too.

00:34:48.000 Gail Levine is who cast me for roadies, and she's wonderful.

00:34:52.000 Yeah.

00:34:53.000 There's a lot of them that are wonderful, but there's a lot of them that are not.

00:34:56.000 These two chicks were snobs. 1.00

00:34:58.000 I mean, they really were...

00:34:58.000 Yeah.

00:35:01.000 You know, they were really talking to me like I had not accomplished a single thing in my life, and maybe if this happened, you know, I'd be able to call myself a man or something.

00:35:10.000 I mean...

00:35:11.000 Well, that's their role.

00:35:13.000 I mean, that's their position.

00:35:14.000 Their position is... 0.85

00:35:15.000 That's one of the reasons why actors are so fucking crazy, is because you walk into this room, and your life depends on whether or not this person puts a check next to your name, whether they give you the green light. 1.00

00:35:24.000 And so you go in there, and you have to memorize some bullshit that you don't really care about, Most of the time, some nonsense sitcom or some fucking stupid role in a movie. 1.00

00:35:34.000 It's half charming them, half doing this. 1.00

00:35:38.000 I tell Brian Callen to this day that they've fucking ruined him. 0.98

00:35:41.000 I go, it ruined him. 0.99

00:35:42.000 You don't know how to disagree with people.

00:35:45.000 I'm like, Brian Callen will go into it and he charms everyone in the building because he's so good at auditions. 0.99

00:35:49.000 I'm like, they fucking ruined you. 0.95

00:35:51.000 You don't know how to figure out that this person is not for you. 0.99

00:35:55.000 Well, you know, now I just turned 60 on Sunday, and now if I had to, if I signed up for a TV show, I'd be signed on until I was 66 or 67. And my dad died at 51, and so that seems like an awful long time.

00:36:15.000 I mean, if it happened to be someone I really liked, you know, like if If Jay McGraw was producing it, I would probably do it just so I could hang out with him.

00:36:25.000 But I would have to really, really like somebody that I was going to be hanging with that time because I couldn't just do it. 0.98

00:36:32.000 Who would have ever guessed that Dr. Phil's kid is such a cool motherfucker? 0.99

00:36:35.000 I know. 0.99

00:36:37.000 We have a mutual friend, Jay McGraw, who's a buddy of bars, both of ours. 0.97

00:36:43.000 He's the fucking coolest guy. 0.89

00:36:44.000 Yeah, he is. 0.97

00:36:45.000 He's something else.

00:36:46.000 And so is his dad.

00:36:47.000 I'm sure he is. 0.88

00:36:48.000 His dad is a hoot. 0.83

00:36:50.000 I'm sure he is, but who would have ever guessed it?

00:36:51.000 Yeah, nobody.

00:36:52.000 Either way, I'm friends with both of them.

00:36:55.000 But Jay is just solid.

00:36:58.000 I mean...

00:37:01.000 I tell you some things he's done for me and start crying.

00:37:04.000 Aw, don't cry.

00:37:06.000 I cry so easy. 1.00

00:37:07.000 I'm such a bitch. 1.00

00:37:08.000 Don't do it. 1.00

00:37:08.000 Me too. 1.00

00:37:09.000 I don't cry for sad things, though.

00:37:12.000 I'm weird.

00:37:13.000 Like, sad things I can sort of deal with some weird way. 1.00

00:37:17.000 But when things are epic, like epic moments, I'm like, holy shit, don't cry, bitch. 1.00

00:37:22.000 Keep it together. 1.00

00:37:24.000 Woo! 0.99

00:37:25.000 Like Nadia Comaneetz doing those little backflips on the bar. 1.00

00:37:29.000 I would have cried like a bitch. 1.00

00:37:30.000 Excellence chokes me up. 0.99

00:37:33.000 But, you know, my friend died last weekend, and that kind of stuff I'm okay with.

00:37:39.000 I mean, I don't get real emotional about that kind of stuff unless I've known you for 50 years.

00:37:50.000 But Jay is just a great guy.

00:37:53.000 You know, he's an unbelievably solid dude when he doesn't have to be.

00:37:56.000 He just brought me back three boxes of killer cigars from Cuba, so how can you not like that guy?

00:38:01.000 Oh yeah, he just went to Cuba.

00:38:02.000 You can bring those back now.

00:38:04.000 Yeah, I think he was on his plane or something.

00:38:08.000 Yes, yeah, you can kind of do it.

00:38:10.000 You can kind of bring them back, sort of.

00:38:12.000 You can get like a few of them.

00:38:14.000 Well, the thing is that you can get $200 worth, but the people at customs have no idea how expensive they are.

00:38:20.000 Right.

00:38:21.000 So you can just say this was $185 worth, and they go, oh, that's expensive.

00:38:26.000 But it's really $1,500 worth of cigars.

00:38:28.000 Yeah, I mean, if you pay them in American money, it probably is $150 worth, right?

00:38:33.000 Like, it's probably a pretty good bargain.

00:38:35.000 Actually, they probably know what they're worth.

00:38:37.000 No, they're really not.

00:38:38.000 Well, I don't know.

00:38:39.000 I didn't ask him because he gave them to me, but did you get a deal on them?

00:38:44.000 How often do you smoke cigars?

00:38:46.000 You know, every day.

00:38:48.000 I smoke one.

00:38:49.000 I smoke a lot of the way up there.

00:38:50.000 Every day.

00:38:50.000 I saw you walked in with one.

00:38:51.000 I was like, God damn it, Ron White, you're a fucking caricature. 1.00

00:38:53.000 Look at you. 1.00

00:38:54.000 What do you got there?

00:38:55.000 Oh, that's one of those he gave me, these Bolivars.

00:38:57.000 Oh, those are good.

00:38:58.000 That's a strong one.

00:38:59.000 Yeah, it is.

00:38:59.000 And it was that big when I started, so I just smoked some of it and cut it off.

00:39:04.000 That's a strong cigar.

00:39:05.000 I like Bolivars.

00:39:06.000 I'm going to crank that back up if they're still airing my tire whenever I get out of here.

00:39:13.000 Yeah, bolivars, and well, it's something about that soil.

00:39:16.000 There's this one area of Cuba where they grow most of their tobacco, and it's like some, it's not even that big of a place.

00:39:23.000 It's not like that many acres.

00:39:25.000 Right.

00:39:26.000 Just this unbelievable soil.

00:39:28.000 Like, is it that much different?

00:39:31.000 Like, are you like a connoisseur?

00:39:32.000 Are you like a sommelier of cigars?

00:39:34.000 Sort of.

00:39:35.000 Yeah?

00:39:38.000 You know, the thing is, the smart guy was Zeno Davidoff of Davidoff Cigars, because he saw it all coming.

00:39:46.000 And so before it all happened, he moved his rollers and his factory and everything over to the Dominican Republic.

00:39:54.000 So, whenever they came in and took the land from those people that started these iconic brands, and they just kicked them out of the country with nothing.

00:40:04.000 Well, they all had seed, so they could grow the same tobacco if they stayed in the same kind of region, the same parallel, like Dominican Republic or even over to Ecuador.

00:40:14.000 It was still perfect conditions for growing these plants, but what they didn't have was rollers.

00:40:20.000 And these hand-made cigars are rolled by experts.

00:40:24.000 I mean, these people in Cuba, they spend their whole lives.

00:40:27.000 It's a good job.

00:40:28.000 They have these huge rolling rooms, and these people just roll these perfect cigars, and somebody sits in the front of the room and reads them books.

00:40:36.000 Really?

00:40:37.000 Yeah.

00:40:38.000 Read some books?

00:40:39.000 Yeah, they read...

00:40:40.000 Like a book on tape, but someone's doing...

00:40:41.000 Yeah, somebody's actually up there.

00:40:43.000 The reader, they come in and shifts and read to them.

00:40:46.000 And they sit there and listen to the stories and roll cigars. 1.00

00:40:46.000 No shit. 1.00

00:40:49.000 That's fucking fascinating. 1.00

00:40:50.000 I have a book at home that's all photographs of the Cuban cigar business and the Cuban people rolling the cigars, and it's fucking amazing. 0.99

00:40:58.000 They're smoking a fat cigar while they're rolling cigars, you know, and the whole thing is just... 0.90

00:41:03.000 It's got such a...

00:41:08.000 Yeah, you know, I used to smoke a couple of them a day, and I always smoke on stage.

00:41:08.000 Yeah.

00:41:16.000 But actually now, I'm such a dinosaur, they're really starting to crack down on the cigar.

00:41:21.000 So I'll just light it, and I'll take it out there and put it in an ashtray and let it go out and do the show.

00:41:25.000 What, because the theaters won't let you smoke in the theater?

00:41:28.000 Yeah, and they used to give me some wiggle room, you know?

00:41:28.000 Yeah.

00:41:31.000 But now, like in Canada, they started saying, well, here's what we do.

00:41:34.000 We don't know what we're going to fine you, but we're going to hold all of your money until we decide.

00:41:38.000 What?

00:41:39.000 If you smoke on this stage.

00:41:40.000 They told you that before you went up?

00:41:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:41:42.000 What a fucking buzzkill. 1.00

00:41:43.000 Yeah, right. 1.00

00:41:44.000 Jesus Christ.

00:41:45.000 Well, I'm glad they didn't tell me after. 1.00

00:41:47.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 0.99

00:41:48.000 But some places, Massey Hall in Toronto, you know, that's fucking Charlie Chaplin was on that stage. 0.99

00:41:53.000 I just did that place. 0.93

00:41:54.000 Oh, did it?

00:41:54.000 It's going to be great.

00:41:55.000 Oh, it's the best.

00:41:56.000 I love Toronto.

00:41:57.000 Toronto's incredible.

00:41:58.000 I just did it two weeks ago with Russell Peters.

00:42:00.000 Me, Russell, and Big Jay Oakerson.

00:42:02.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

00:42:03.000 What a fucking show! 1.00

00:42:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:05.000 I don't even know if I've seen Jay.

00:42:06.000 I've met him.

00:42:07.000 He's a funny dude.

00:42:08.000 And I've heard him on radio, right?

00:42:09.000 He's got a radio show.

00:42:10.000 Yeah, he's got a podcast, Legion of Skanks.

00:42:13.000 Yeah.

00:42:13.000 One of the greatest names for a podcast ever.

00:42:16.000 He's a funny dude.

00:42:18.000 He's a good dude, too.

00:42:19.000 And again, another one, like a real comic.

00:42:21.000 You know one when you meet one.

00:42:23.000 Yeah, sure.

00:42:24.000 You know, like if I ran into him anywhere, like a life vest in the middle of the ocean.

00:42:29.000 If I ran into him in Dubai, I'd be like, there's one of us.

00:42:33.000 Okay, all right.

00:42:34.000 I could go with you to the halfway there, but not to Dubai.

00:42:38.000 You want to go to Dubai?

00:42:38.000 No, no.

00:42:39.000 You want to do shows there?

00:42:41.000 No, you know what?

00:42:42.000 I'm not sure that I wouldn't...

00:42:42.000 Somebody...

00:42:43.000 So many people talk about this huge, huge money that they're offering guys to go out to Dubai and India.

00:42:49.000 They got crazy rules, though, in Dubai.

00:42:52.000 They do?

00:42:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:42:53.000 Yeah, Dubai has crazy religious rules.

00:42:56.000 Like, if you in any way insult royal families or in any way...

00:42:59.000 Who was it, Jamie, that talked about that?

00:43:01.000 Was it...

00:43:02.000 I think it was Hal Sparks was telling us that he did a gig in Dubai and someone, after he got off stage, told him that he was going to be arrested for something that he said because he referred to one of the royal family as like,

00:43:17.000 sir, rather than your highness?

00:43:20.000 Like, something as simple as that.

00:43:22.000 Yeah, I probably better not go. 1.00

00:43:24.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:43:25.000 I can't do it. 1.00

00:43:26.000 I just can't.

00:43:27.000 I won't do colleges.

00:43:28.000 I won't do anything weird.

00:43:29.000 I don't either.

00:43:30.000 You know, I hear a Seinfeld bitching about the political correctness of college students these days. 1.00

00:43:30.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:43:35.000 I'm like, why don't you go perform for people your own age? 1.00

00:43:38.000 Maybe that's the problem.

00:43:39.000 Maybe that's it.

00:43:40.000 You ever think about that?

00:43:42.000 Well, they're not your people.

00:43:44.000 And they're super sensitive, and they're finally disconnected from their parents. 0.98

00:43:48.000 They're looking to call bullshit on everybody.

00:43:50.000 That's one thing about college kids, is they're looking to be right, and they're looking to establish what you can and can't say, and they're looking to control people, because they're just free for the first time ever themselves. 0.95

00:44:02.000 I probably would have done the same thing.

00:44:05.000 Yeah, if I hadn't gotten kicked out of high school and joined the Navy, I probably...

00:44:09.000 I just...

00:44:10.000 I can't do, like, regular school work.

00:44:13.000 I can't do that kind of stuff.

00:44:14.000 I've never owned a notebook.

00:44:16.000 This isn't mine.

00:44:17.000 This is yours.

00:44:18.000 You can have it.

00:44:18.000 It's for you.

00:44:19.000 It's a gift.

00:44:19.000 Merry Christmas.

00:44:20.000 It's very nice.

00:44:20.000 Merry Christmas.

00:44:21.000 Merry Christmas.

00:44:23.000 So you don't write down on notebooks?

00:44:24.000 You just come up with stuff on stage?

00:44:26.000 Or you come up with stuff?

00:44:27.000 If you have an idea, will you write it on your phone or something?

00:44:30.000 No.

00:44:31.000 No?

00:44:32.000 My attention deficit disorder is so bad that if I pick up a piece of paper, I'm done.

00:44:32.000 No.

00:44:39.000 Then I'll start thinking about the piece of paper, and then I'm off to this fucking egg land. 0.99

00:44:45.000 So it just doesn't work. 0.98

00:44:48.000 I've forgotten so much stuff I know that I could have done on stage.

00:44:52.000 But once it gets to the stage, I record it.

00:44:56.000 And I should record these short sets, but I don't.

00:45:01.000 But I record all the big sets.

00:45:03.000 You don't record the comedy store sets?

00:45:05.000 No.

00:45:06.000 You can do it on your phone, you know.

00:45:07.000 Yeah, well, you know, that's another thing.

00:45:10.000 I don't know a lot about that.

00:45:11.000 Yeah, but look.

00:45:12.000 See this? 0.97

00:45:12.000 It's so fucking easy. 0.97

00:45:13.000 See this little thing right here? 0.97

00:45:15.000 This is voice recordings.

00:45:16.000 Look at that.

00:45:17.000 These are all my sets for the last, I don't know, six months.

00:45:21.000 I just keep going.

00:45:22.000 And I make notes.

00:45:24.000 I make notes for each one of them.

00:45:25.000 Did you have to?

00:45:26.000 No, you have it.

00:45:27.000 You have it on your phone.

00:45:28.000 It's an application that comes with, it's called Voice Memos.

00:45:31.000 It comes with the phone.

00:45:33.000 So you have an iPhone.

00:45:34.000 It's in there.

00:45:34.000 I'll show you afterwards.

00:45:35.000 I love you.

00:45:36.000 But it's so easy.

00:45:37.000 It's so easy, Ron. 0.99

00:45:37.000 You just take that sucker, you press record as you're walking up this stage. 0.99

00:45:40.000 I sit it on the stool right by me. 0.98

00:45:43.000 It records my whole set. 0.99

00:45:44.000 Because there's many, many times that I have a new punchline, or I'll have a thought in the middle of a bit, and what the fuck is that? 0.51

00:45:52.000 And I'll go off on something just free, and I'll say afterwards, thank God I recorded that, because I've got to go listen to that. 0.57

00:46:00.000 Because for me, the store in particular is the best place for that.

00:46:03.000 Yeah.

00:46:04.000 And the Ice House.

00:46:05.000 You ever do the Ice House?

00:46:06.000 No. 1.00

00:46:07.000 Fuck, you've got to go there. 1.00

00:46:08.000 I have done it before, but I should get over there. 1.00

00:46:10.000 Do they have an open mic or something?

00:46:12.000 No. 0.99

00:46:13.000 Well, they have a bunch of shit there, but we do shows there on Wednesdays all the time. 0.99

00:46:17.000 I'm there like January, I think January 4th or something like that. 0.99

00:46:22.000 Is that it?

00:46:23.000 January 4th? 0.98

00:46:23.000 You want to do it with us, it's always sold out, and it's the fucking best room in the world. 0.98

00:46:29.000 That room, the Ice House room, is set up. 0.97

00:46:32.000 It's the best setup on Earth. 1.00

00:46:33.000 You will fucking murder that place. 0.99

00:46:34.000 I've done sets there a long time ago, and... 0.99

00:46:39.000 And I know I loved it.

00:46:40.000 And everybody says it's the best room there is.

00:46:42.000 It's the oldest comedy club in the world.

00:46:44.000 The oldest comedy club in the world.

00:46:44.000 It is?

00:46:45.000 It started in 1961, I believe.

00:46:48.000 1961 or 1962, something like that.

00:46:51.000 Yeah, it's the oldest concurrent working comedy club on earth.

00:46:55.000 And it used to literally be an ice house before they had freezers.

00:46:59.000 People used to buy ice from the ice house. 0.98

00:47:01.000 That's how fucking old that place is.

00:47:05.000 Yeah, on the 4th, I'll come out there if you guys got room for me. 1.00

00:47:09.000 Fuck yeah, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00

00:47:10.000 Anytime you want to do a show, do it. 1.00

00:47:10.000 Yeah, there you go. 1.00

00:47:11.000 I got room for you.

00:47:12.000 All right.

00:47:13.000 Let's have some fun.

00:47:14.000 Bring some of that tequila.

00:47:16.000 Yeah, I got the tequila.

00:47:18.000 I'll Uber out there with a bottle of that extra Añejo.

00:47:21.000 Now we're talking.

00:47:22.000 Yeah, so you guys look that up.

00:47:24.000 Number Juan, J-U-A-N tequila.

00:47:26.000 That's what I've got to hawk.

00:47:27.000 Yeah, okay. 1.00

00:47:28.000 We're going to buy a case of that shit. 1.00

00:47:30.000 Bring it in here. 1.00

00:47:31.000 Set it up.

00:47:33.000 Don't they have it at the Comedy Store now?

00:47:36.000 I always have a bottle back there, but our distribution is just now getting fixed in California, so I'm sure that they'll pick it up as soon as these guys get all hooked up.

00:47:47.000 They just got their tequila the other day.

00:47:49.000 Well, it's a dark tequila, too.

00:47:51.000 Do you have more than one kind?

00:47:52.000 Yeah, I have a Blanco that comes straight out of the faucet, and then a Reposado, which is aged for nine months.

00:48:03.000 In two different barrels and then blended at the end.

00:48:06.000 Half of it's a French oak wine barrel, half of it's a bourbon barrel, retired.

00:48:11.000 And then nine months and then blended together.

00:48:13.000 Whoa.

00:48:15.000 That's deep.

00:48:15.000 And that's what my brother-in-law, that's all he drinks is that one.

00:48:18.000 And I drink the other one because I come kind of from a Scotch background, so it's a little heavier.

00:48:23.000 Yeah, it's got like a dark sort of smoky kind of...

00:48:26.000 It's dangerous.

00:48:27.000 Dangerous?

00:48:27.000 It's a dangerous bottle to have just sitting near you with no protection or, you know, just with a couple people.

00:48:34.000 Because once you start drinking it, it offers no resistance at all.

00:48:38.000 You can just sit there and polish off a bottle.

00:48:40.000 I feel like we shouldn't be having a podcast without having like a little drink.

00:48:44.000 I feel like we should have a little drink.

00:48:44.000 Okay.

00:48:45.000 Get some Jack Daniels on the rocks.

00:48:48.000 Let's do it.

00:48:49.000 Just a little drink with Ron White.

00:48:49.000 Just a little drink.

00:48:51.000 Come on.

00:48:52.000 Come on.

00:48:53.000 Yeah, it's a good tequila.

00:48:54.000 I'm happy you're doing that as well. 0.99

00:48:57.000 It's nice to see comedians branch out and do different shit. 0.70

00:49:01.000 Well, I'd like to see some of the different stuff I do ever make money, but we have a lot of fun with the tequila, and somebody will come by and buy it one day. 0.92

00:49:09.000 We win everything with it.

00:49:10.000 How's that not making money?

00:49:12.000 That tequila's not making money?

00:49:13.000 No, uh-uh.

00:49:15.000 It made money the third year.

00:49:15.000 Well, it did.

00:49:18.000 The third year, we made $17,000.

00:49:23.000 That's the whole year.

00:49:25.000 How is that possible?

00:49:27.000 Well, because it's just kind of expensive to get into.

00:49:31.000 I mean, we're shoestringing it.

00:49:34.000 I'm not putting my nut in there.

00:49:38.000 I put money in it.

00:49:40.000 Not too much.

00:49:41.000 Not too much.

00:49:42.000 And so we're just kind of a really slow growth until somebody comes along.

00:49:47.000 And then if somebody wants it worse than we do, they'll have it.

00:49:51.000 So for you, is this sort of like a goof, just to get into it for fun?

00:49:55.000 No, well, a couple things.

00:49:57.000 I'd really like to see my brother-in-law, yeah, I'd really like to see it work for him, and he owns more of it than I do.

00:50:03.000 He's a comic, right?

00:50:04.000 Yeah, Alex Romundo.

00:50:05.000 I don't know Alex very well.

00:50:06.000 He's one of my best friends, and he literally, when I started doing stand-up, September 17th, 1986 is when I met him, and I was nervous.

00:50:16.000 I was going to do four minutes.

00:50:18.000 First time open mic and went straight to the bar and ordered a beer and a shot of tequila and he handed me the beer and the shot of tequila.

00:50:23.000 So he was the bartender in the club I started at.

00:50:26.000 Where was that?

00:50:27.000 In Arlington, Texas.

00:50:29.000 What's it called?

00:50:29.000 Funny Bone Comedy Club.

00:50:32.000 I think it's something else now.

00:50:35.000 But that's where that was my home.

00:50:36.000 What's Arlington near?

00:50:38.000 Dallas-Fort Worth.

00:50:39.000 Oh, okay.

00:50:40.000 That's where Texas Stadium is and the ballpark.

00:50:45.000 Where's that funny bone?

00:50:46.000 Not funny bone, improv.

00:50:47.000 They don't have an improv in Arlington, do they?

00:50:49.000 No, they have an improv up in Irvine, Irving or something.

00:50:54.000 Up in North Dallas, there's one.

00:50:56.000 But isn't there two?

00:50:57.000 Yeah.

00:50:57.000 All right.

00:50:58.000 There used to be two.

00:50:58.000 What is this?

00:50:59.000 There used to be one right down on Central Expressway, but I don't know if there is any more.

00:51:04.000 This is the Sinatra Select.

00:51:07.000 Frankie, baby.

00:51:08.000 Where did we get this?

00:51:08.000 Somebody sent it to us, right?

00:51:09.000 Did Jack Daniels send it to us?

00:51:11.000 Yeah.

00:51:12.000 Jack Daniels sent this to us.

00:51:13.000 They found out we drink Jack Daniels on the show, so they sent us this Sinatra Select.

00:51:17.000 Oh, yeah, baby.

00:51:19.000 It smells like toupees.

00:51:24.000 Good lord.

00:51:25.000 Cheers, sir.

00:51:26.000 Joe Rogan.

00:51:27.000 Cheers, buddy.

00:51:32.000 Jack Daniels to me means fun times and bad decisions.

00:51:35.000 Almost everything that I've ever done that I should have went, probably should have done that.

00:51:39.000 Right. 1.00

00:51:40.000 A lot of it's connected to that shit. 1.00

00:51:42.000 There's just so much fuck it in Jack Daniels. 1.00

00:51:45.000 That's their slogan. 1.00

00:51:46.000 Jack Daniels, fuck it. 1.00

00:51:47.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:51:48.000 Just, wow! 1.00

00:51:49.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:51:51.000 It's like almost every time I go on stage, I have a shot. 1.00

00:51:54.000 A shot of that.

00:51:55.000 A shot of this?

00:51:56.000 Yeah.

00:51:57.000 Not the Sinatra stuff, but it kind of tastes the same to me.

00:52:00.000 It doesn't really taste like Jack Daniels.

00:52:02.000 That's really pretty good.

00:52:04.000 I'm not much of a bourbon guy, but that's pretty tasty stuff.

00:52:10.000 Finally, weed's legal, Ron White.

00:52:11.000 I know.

00:52:12.000 You happy about that?

00:52:14.000 Well, I've been treating it like it was legal for about 50 years.

00:52:17.000 Me too.

00:52:18.000 I don't know if it's going to have that much difference.

00:52:22.000 You know, they had medical marijuana here anyway, and I was actually using medical marijuana to get off of regular marijuana.

00:52:30.000 How did you do that? 0.99

00:52:31.000 That worked like a fucking charm. 1.00

00:52:32.000 It's almost like Jesus came from heaven and healed me of this regular marijuana problem that's been haunting me since I was 13 years old. 0.99

00:52:40.000 Oh.

00:52:41.000 And now that they've legalized recreational marijuana, I'm going to use that to wean myself from medical marijuana.

00:52:47.000 That's nice.

00:52:47.000 And I've got a plan.

00:52:49.000 That's beautiful.

00:52:50.000 That's like methadone.

00:52:52.000 You know what?

00:52:53.000 It took so long to get here, you know, to even this little seven.

00:53:02.000 We have seven states now that are...

00:53:04.000 I think there's more.

00:53:05.000 How many states, Jamie?

00:53:06.000 Legal.

00:53:07.000 Nine now?

00:53:08.000 Recreational.

00:53:10.000 Seven?

00:53:10.000 Seven's recreational, but then a bunch of...

00:53:13.000 You know, in Vegas, they're going to have recreational, but now that they have medical, if you have a card from anywhere, you can go in the Vegas dispensaries.

00:53:24.000 Well, what's fucked up is there's so many people that are in jail for life in Vegas from the 70s.

00:53:30.000 Right. 0.98

00:53:31.000 For life.

00:53:32.000 For, like, getting caught with, like, a dime bag.

00:53:34.000 Vegas used to be the worst place in the world when it came to pot. 0.98

00:53:37.000 I don't know why.

00:53:38.000 I guess... 0.97

00:53:40.000 It was ridiculous. 0.97

00:53:41.000 This is what it was. 0.97

00:53:43.000 They got legalized prostitution, legalized gambling, open carry handguns, liquor available 24 hours a day on the street.

00:53:50.000 You can actually walk out on the strip at 5 o'clock in the morning, crack open a beer, and bet on the camel toe races, but don't you dare lie to joint because there's children here.

00:54:01.000 Is that the reason why?

00:54:02.000 There's children.

00:54:03.000 I think they were just trying to discourage people from getting high because it probably cut in on the profits.

00:54:08.000 Wouldn't you assume that, like, the last thing I want to do when I get high is gamble.

00:54:12.000 I just look at buildings and I go, look how much money this building costs.

00:54:15.000 Where are they getting their money?

00:54:16.000 They must be getting their money from people like me.

00:54:18.000 People like me that don't know how to gamble. 1.00

00:54:20.000 Shit, what kind of weed are we smoking here? 1.00

00:54:24.000 That's how I always feel. 1.00

00:54:26.000 Like, I never have the urge to gamble when I'm high, ever.

00:54:31.000 But if I was drunk and I walked into a casino, I'd be like, let's see what happens!

00:54:36.000 Absolutely.

00:54:37.000 Come on! 0.61

00:54:38.000 Absolutely.

00:54:38.000 But I'm not much of a...

00:54:39.000 Are you a gambler?

00:54:40.000 You good?

00:54:40.000 I'm good.

00:54:41.000 There we go.

00:54:42.000 I'm not much of a gambler.

00:54:43.000 You know what?

00:54:44.000 I played a lot of cards when I first started working in Vegas, and then I got hit a couple of times, and...

00:54:53.000 Literally, I mean, if you're going to bet $300 a hand, you better have a half million bucks sitting there, or you'll get beat.

00:55:00.000 Because it just accelerates so high off of a $300 bet.

00:55:07.000 And so if you're not ready to really bet it, you should just not bet it.

00:55:11.000 If you can't stay there until it all cycles back through, in case you start on the wrong side of it, then...

00:55:21.000 Now I'll go.

00:55:22.000 My mother, my mother's 81. She likes to get hammered and gamble. 1.00

00:55:25.000 She does.

00:55:26.000 She's always in Vegas.

00:55:28.000 I was there two weeks ago and I looked over on the side of the stage and my mother was there.

00:55:31.000 I had no idea she was coming all the way from Cocoa, Florida. 0.96

00:55:33.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:55:35.000 And she was just over there waving. 1.00

00:55:37.000 That's awesome.

00:55:38.000 And she gets hammered and gambles. 1.00

00:55:39.000 Yeah, she plays blackjack, Texas Hold'em. 0.75

00:55:42.000 And she was one of those people, her and her mother, you know, Jen, you'd think that Jen can't be skill, all skill. 0.92

00:55:49.000 But any time I played my mother in Jen, she takes one card and lays them down.

00:55:53.000 I'm like, well, how can you do that?

00:55:55.000 You can't be good and just draw all those cards.

00:55:58.000 What are you doing?

00:55:59.000 And my grandmother was worse than her. 1.00

00:56:00.000 So she plays serious poker, but not with serious money.

00:56:06.000 More than she used to.

00:56:08.000 And then my son loves to play Texas Hold'em, so if he comes out to Vegas, then I'll go play with him.

00:56:14.000 I have a bunch of friends that gamble really high, and I don't have that gene.

00:56:17.000 I'm missing it. 0.71

00:56:18.000 That's a good one not to have, you know, because you can really feel stupid the next day when you're going, I could have gotten, well, one of them, you know, at least a late-day Ford Escort, you know, or several Escorts. 0.60

00:56:36.000 I'm like, I could have gotten something out of this.

00:56:38.000 Instead, I got absolutely nothing except free booze.

00:56:42.000 My friend Dana White has lost as much as a million dollars in a night.

00:56:45.000 Good lord.

00:56:46.000 Yeah, but he won.

00:56:47.000 Did he say he won seven?

00:56:48.000 I think he said he won seven one night.

00:56:50.000 Yeah, I don't get it.

00:56:51.000 He's got it, though.

00:56:52.000 Whatever it is, he's got it.

00:56:53.000 Way better.

00:56:54.000 But you know what?

00:56:55.000 That's also one of the big things with people that have been punched a lot.

00:57:01.000 He was a boxer for a long time, and a lot of MMA fighters, a lot of people that have experienced a lot of head trauma, they like to gamble.

00:57:09.000 There's a weird correlation there.

00:57:11.000 They don't know why.

00:57:11.000 I wonder if John Daly ever got hit in the head.

00:57:15.000 I'm sure somebody punched that guy.

00:57:17.000 For sure, right?

00:57:17.000 Yeah.

00:57:18.000 Who didn't punch that guy?

00:57:19.000 He's a big dude, but still, somebody probably punched him.

00:57:22.000 He's a...

00:57:23.000 Yeah, probably so.

00:57:24.000 But boy, he just has a gambling problem.

00:57:26.000 He's funny because he was sober for five years and he's a buddy of mine.

00:57:29.000 I mean, I'm not saying he's a buddy of mine.

00:57:30.000 Whenever the Masters comes to Augusta...

00:57:36.000 He's always there and he sells merch.

00:57:38.000 And it's genius because he's the only person, number one, he's the most famous golfer in the city at that time, is John Daly, more famous than anybody playing in that tournament.

00:57:48.000 And then he's accessible.

00:57:49.000 He likes people.

00:57:50.000 And so he'll go out there and sell $250,000, $300,000 worth of merch out of this huge You know, he's got this big Prevost tour thing and a big old trailer and set up.

00:58:01.000 Wow.

00:58:02.000 His own store at the Hooters right next to the golf tournament.

00:58:07.000 That's genius.

00:58:08.000 During that time, yeah.

00:58:10.000 And, you know, it's all his brands.

00:58:13.000 And, you know, he just makes a killing doing it.

00:58:16.000 And it is brilliant.

00:58:18.000 But I parked my...

00:58:20.000 Tour bus right next to his.

00:58:23.000 So that's the time I see him, you know, is whenever he's doing...

00:58:26.000 Now he's on the senior tour, so I don't even know...

00:58:29.000 I don't follow golf, but I follow that guy.

00:58:31.000 You know what I mean?

00:58:32.000 He's a fun dude. 0.99

00:58:34.000 He gets crazy, does a lot of wild, nutty shit, likes to get hammered. 0.98

00:58:38.000 I like the fact that there's a guy like that out there. 1.00

00:58:42.000 That can do it.

00:58:44.000 He might not be the best golfer in the world anymore, but he's still a very good golfer, and he's still this character.

00:58:51.000 It's part of the thing.

00:58:52.000 It's not just who wins the golf tournament.

00:58:54.000 I want to see John Daly play.

00:58:56.000 I want to see him talk. 0.54

00:58:57.000 I want to see him get crazy.

00:58:59.000 Yeah, so, well, he gets crazy, you know, he got sober for a few years, and then he called me the other day, and I was like, oh, that started again.

00:59:10.000 He was just baked. 0.99

00:59:11.000 And then the last time I was at, last year at Augusta, we got really trashed, and he was doing a podcast or some kind of radio show out of the Hooters, and besides that, he's got a radio show, or did for a while, and And he's just drunk as shit, 0.99

00:59:29.000 just trashing the PGA Tour. 0.99

00:59:31.000 Oh, God.

00:59:32.000 And I'm like, you know, you really golf on exemptions.

00:59:36.000 But I didn't say anything to him.

00:59:38.000 But, I mean, he's just either over-the-top sober or over-the-top drunk.

00:59:43.000 He can't be...

00:59:44.000 And he's also just dead honest.

00:59:50.000 Will not lie to you to make you feel better.

00:59:52.000 Will not lie to you to make you feel bad.

00:59:54.000 He just won't lie.

00:59:55.000 He talks about how he feels and, you know, he's just one of those guys that you know.

01:00:00.000 And that's why he's so popular.

01:00:02.000 That's why the people love him.

01:00:04.000 We could all use more of that.

01:00:06.000 All of us, right?

01:00:07.000 I don't know, man.

01:00:08.000 I think I could use less.

01:00:11.000 I think I'm going to start lying more in 2017. Just stay drunk and keep lying.

01:00:19.000 Yeah, there you go. 0.93

01:00:20.000 Stay drunk and keep lying.

01:00:20.000 That should be a t-shirt.

01:00:22.000 That's a great one.

01:00:24.000 Yeah, I know what you mean. 0.99

01:00:26.000 At a certain point in time, you go, how much fucking sand is left in this goddamn hourglass? 0.99

01:00:29.000 What are we doing with it? 0.99

01:00:30.000 Right.

01:00:31.000 You know?

01:00:31.000 Yeah, right.

01:00:32.000 We're on a continued path of improvement and spiritual enlightenment, or do we eventually go, hey, guys, there's a cliff coming up.

01:00:38.000 Let's just have a drink. 0.99

01:00:40.000 There's a fucking cliff. 1.00

01:00:41.000 There's a cliff right over there. 1.00

01:00:42.000 We're both looking at it.

01:00:43.000 That's what Margo and I are saying is that we're already dead.

01:00:48.000 That's how fast it goes.

01:00:49.000 We're already dead.

01:00:50.000 So while we got this last couple of minutes here, let's have some fun.

01:00:55.000 Let's not forget.

01:00:56.000 I buried some really close friends right next to each other about a year and a half ago.

01:01:02.000 And that broke my heart.

01:01:03.000 I didn't want to do stand-up anymore.

01:01:06.000 Just horrible stuff.

01:01:07.000 And then my buddy that died this weekend, I saw him three days before at a party, and he was fine.

01:01:14.000 He was laughing.

01:01:15.000 He's fit as he can be.

01:01:16.000 He plays hockey.

01:01:17.000 He's 69 years old, but he was just really, really...

01:01:21.000 He ate a hamburger without the bun while I was sitting there with him, and I was like, well, I bet he regrets that. 1.00

01:01:28.000 And I was looking back and thought, fuck, I should've eaten that fucking bun. 1.00

01:01:31.000 And then, boom, dead in three days. 1.00

01:01:36.000 What's that actor guy that just died recently?

01:01:39.000 Alan Thicke.

01:01:39.000 That's who it is.

01:01:40.000 That's who it is?

01:01:41.000 Yeah.

01:01:41.000 Alan Thicke was on Fear Factor.

01:01:43.000 He was a sweetheart.

01:01:44.000 Oh, he's a- Such a charming guy.

01:01:47.000 He's the most charming human being.

01:01:48.000 And I don't, you know, when I met him, I'm really good friends with John Paul DeGioia, who owns Patron and Paul Mitchell, and he is just a biker.

01:02:00.000 That made billions of dollars.

01:02:02.000 Just a brilliant man.

01:02:06.000 So he has these men's knights that are kind of a league of extraordinary rich dudes.

01:02:15.000 But every once in a while an entertainer sneaks in there like me and Alan.

01:02:19.000 So the first one I went there, I recognized Al, of course, because he was a hugely famous television star when I was watching television even.

01:02:28.000 But what attracted me was just him as a man, you know, just his charisma.

01:02:34.000 He's just one of those guys that can, you know, just a man's man, you know.

01:02:41.000 Yeah, you just want to hang around him.

01:02:43.000 I was really shocked.

01:02:44.000 I was really shocked at how nice and friendly he was.

01:02:49.000 He lost.

01:02:51.000 He had to do some physical things.

01:02:52.000 He had to climb on something on the side of a building or something like that.

01:02:55.000 He wound up losing.

01:02:56.000 Took it like a champ.

01:02:59.000 Smiling the whole way.

01:02:59.000 He was playing full contact hockey with fake knees.

01:03:05.000 Jesus Christ.

01:03:06.000 Christ!

01:03:07.000 He got his knees done?

01:03:08.000 Yeah, and he's still playing hockey.

01:03:11.000 They told him not to.

01:03:13.000 But he's like, what am I going to do?

01:03:15.000 So it works pretty good.

01:03:17.000 But he was playing hockey with his son when he died.

01:03:20.000 And his son told me this, and it was really funny. 1.00

01:03:24.000 He goes, while he was on the fucking stretcher, putting him in the ambulance, he goes, sorry guys, I'm an asshole! 1.00

01:03:33.000 Just for stopping the game. 1.00

01:03:36.000 And then he was dead 15 minutes later.

01:03:38.000 But he got a laugh on the way out the door.

01:03:43.000 And people were saying, man, what a tragic thing.

01:03:45.000 He died quick.

01:03:46.000 And I've had two friends die slow.

01:03:48.000 You don't want any part of that.

01:03:50.000 So quick, that's when we all agree with that.

01:03:52.000 Quick.

01:03:53.000 We want to go quick.

01:03:57.000 And that's what he did.

01:03:58.000 And when his son was with him, when he took his last breath, I think that's a good thing.

01:04:01.000 And I think his son will think it is, too, when he looks back on it, if he doesn't already.

01:04:05.000 You know, a real touchy subject, right?

01:04:08.000 People dying.

01:04:09.000 It's real touchy.

01:04:10.000 And it's also real touchy, like, what we think is going to happen after that.

01:04:16.000 Right.

01:04:16.000 You know?

01:04:16.000 There's people that are, like, real sensitive about what they think is going to happen.

01:04:22.000 And whether it's nothing.

01:04:23.000 A lot of people are, like, convinced it's nothing. 0.99

01:04:26.000 And I'll say it to you with such fucking conviction. 0.99

01:04:29.000 Listen, when you die, it's nothing. 1.00

01:04:31.000 It goes dark.

01:04:32.000 I know for a fact that's not true.

01:04:34.000 Because I lived in a haunted house.

01:04:38.000 If there's a haunted house, then somebody, there is an afterlife.

01:04:42.000 Because there was definitely a haunted house.

01:04:44.000 Where'd you live?

01:04:45.000 It was a lake house outside of Austin on Lake LBJ in Kingsland, Texas.

01:04:49.000 And we had to sign documents at closing saying that it had been told to us that it was a haunted house.

01:04:55.000 You have to do that in Texas.

01:04:56.000 Yeah.

01:04:58.000 And they'd had two mediums, and I'm an extra large.

01:05:02.000 But two different mediums came in and said the same exact thing.

01:05:05.000 The ghost's name is Whitey Sour. 0.56

01:05:07.000 Oh, my God.

01:05:08.000 And he was the barber for the town, and they couldn't tell why he was still there, but he was obviously there.

01:05:16.000 He could take...

01:05:18.000 And he would do these things in front of people.

01:05:20.000 You could take a pot of water right out of the tap, put it on the stove, stove turned off, and just sit there and wait.

01:05:28.000 And it'd start to vibrate.

01:05:30.000 And then it'd vibrate to where the waves came in from the center to the middle and then bounce up in the middle.

01:05:36.000 And then you could get a hold of it, because you're obviously stronger than the ghost, you could settle it back down and let go of it, and he would do it again.

01:05:48.000 And I know that, I mean, I happen to just know that, to be a fact, that I lived in a haunted house. 0.99

01:05:55.000 How many people do you think have actually lived in a haunted house, and how many people are just fucking crazy? 0.99

01:06:01.000 Because that's the problem. 0.99

01:06:02.000 If you really did live in a haunted house, and I believe you did, You know that some people who have told similar stories are just fucking crazy, and that might be the problem. 0.80

01:06:10.000 The problem is trying to differentiate between real, unusual experiences, which may or not be possible, that can happen to anybody. 0.99

01:06:17.000 Just because it hasn't happened to you, or it hasn't happened to me, I'm walking through life assuming that it's bullshit. 0.98

01:06:22.000 But if it did happen right in front of you, you'll go, holy shit, how am I going to describe what this is? 0.98

01:06:28.000 How many people are pretending things like that are happening now? 0.80

01:06:31.000 I don't know, you know, but it's just something that I've always been able to say after I've lived there, that I know for a fact that something happens afterwards.

01:06:40.000 And I had a talk with Whitey. 1.00

01:06:43.000 I bought the house and was still making payments to his daughter.

01:06:46.000 And whenever we first moved there, my girlfriend at the time, her uncles helped move her stuff down there and they had a We're good to go.

01:07:15.000 Listen, I'm going to make a deal with you.

01:07:18.000 I love it that you're here.

01:07:19.000 It's fine with me.

01:07:22.000 We have one of his chairs that we wouldn't let anybody sit in.

01:07:25.000 It was his chair.

01:07:28.000 I said, I'm going to tell you something right now. 1.00

01:07:30.000 You fuck with my little boy, I'm going to hit your daughter in the mouth. 1.00

01:07:34.000 Because I saw her every month when I made the payment, so if he was going to jack with my little kid, I was going to fucking punch some teeth in. 1.00

01:07:41.000 You're going to punch his daughter? 1.00

01:07:43.000 Not really. 0.97

01:07:44.000 Not really.

01:07:45.000 But it's a good threat to a ghost.

01:07:46.000 You threaten a ghost.

01:07:47.000 That's so gangster.

01:07:48.000 Yeah.

01:07:49.000 You know what?

01:07:50.000 And he never, never, ever saw any activity in that room again.

01:07:54.000 My grandparents had a house where a guy died in the house, and they always claimed that they saw him.

01:07:59.000 He was like a guy who rented a room in their attic. 0.98

01:08:03.000 And he died and my grandmother always would swear that she could like hear him walking around up there and he'd be there You know if there is we know that all this is like most people hear ghost stories They go get the fuck out of here.

01:08:16.000 It's because so many ghost shows I mean how many times can you watch a person go into a basement with a one of those night vision Screens on and look at nothing and go.

01:08:25.000 What did you hear that?

01:08:26.000 Oh my god Oh, they'll have entire television shows dedicated to one thing and like an egg will move an inch over a year or something.

01:08:26.000 What was that?

01:08:34.000 I think it would be super arrogant to assume that it's not possible that ghosts are real.

01:08:38.000 That you just haven't experienced them yet.

01:08:41.000 Most people haven't experienced them.

01:08:43.000 All sorts of types of life, right?

01:08:45.000 There's people that are born with birth defects that make them tiny, and other people are born with gigantism, and death is, and life itself is not like this perfect mathematical science. 0.91

01:08:55.000 It's filled with all sorts of mistakes and errors and weird shit.

01:08:59.000 If there's a transition between this stage of life and the next stage of life, would we assume that it would be perfect? 0.98

01:09:05.000 No.

01:09:06.000 If there is a spirit or some sort of a soul in people, we would assume that that transition sometimes misses.

01:09:12.000 Sometimes you get caught in the howling in between the worlds, and you just ricochet back and forth off of both places.

01:09:19.000 Well, you can't unsmoke that joint, can you?

01:09:22.000 I can't.

01:09:22.000 Not anymore.

01:09:23.000 Not anymore.

01:09:24.000 I'll tell you something.

01:09:24.000 Hey, you know what?

01:09:25.000 It's kind of an interesting story.

01:09:27.000 My uncle, who was a preacher, a Southern Baptist preacher, a brilliant man, has three doctorates, psychology, philosophy, theology.

01:09:37.000 Wow.

01:09:37.000 And fun, fun, fun, fun guy to talk to.

01:09:40.000 And was at one time the president of the Southern Baptist Convention.

01:09:45.000 Dr. Charles Pollard is his name.

01:09:47.000 And, uh, which is a very, very powerful position to have in the South, uh, to be the president of that convention.

01:09:53.000 Uh, and, uh, so I was talking to him.

01:09:56.000 He, this is, that was a long time ago and, and, uh, they have a lot of disagreements.

01:10:01.000 He kind of had a nervous breakdown and he showed up at My grandmother's birthday party and he had a riding a Harley with no shirt on.

01:10:11.000 And then he went down and he taught the gospel according to Charlie for a while.

01:10:16.000 But this is what he said.

01:10:19.000 Because we were just talking about this exact thing.

01:10:22.000 He goes, well, Ron, here's what I believe.

01:10:27.000 I believe that when we die, we're going to be surprised.

01:10:33.000 That's all he's got.

01:10:35.000 That's all he's got.

01:10:35.000 After all these books, all these things, years of the time, you know, that's all he's got.

01:10:41.000 No fucking clue. 0.97

01:10:42.000 You know, when I was young, I was real dismissive of religion because I was real religious at one point. 0.99

01:10:47.000 When I was like real young, I went to Catholic school.

01:10:50.000 And it was a good experience because it was a bad experience.

01:10:54.000 So I realized these mean, flawed people that are teaching what they think is supposedly God's word.

01:11:00.000 And I became a very anti-religious person for a long time.

01:11:05.000 Where I thought of religion as being like an ideology that controls your brain.

01:11:09.000 But as I've gotten older, one of the things that I've been thinking more and more is that although the Bible's definitely been altered by a bunch of different people, there's a difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and even the translations of the Old Testament, they were trying to say something. 0.95

01:11:25.000 They wrote this fucking thing down and passed it down more than anything else.

01:11:30.000 Like, the Bible's almost like the story of life. 0.99

01:11:33.000 Because if you go that far back, There's no other stories. 0.99

01:11:37.000 You go far back as the Old Testament, there's no other fucking stories. 0.98

01:11:41.000 There are no books. 0.97

01:11:43.000 You have to go to other cultures that had similar stories.

01:11:47.000 Right.

01:11:47.000 And they're all the same thing, like the Epic of Gilgamesh.

01:11:50.000 So similar to Noah and the Ark.

01:11:52.000 There's all these...

01:11:53.000 Right.

01:11:54.000 All these similarities.

01:11:56.000 They were trying to tell us about something.

01:11:58.000 Right.

01:11:59.000 And most of it was be a good person, you know?

01:12:02.000 I mean, that was Christ's message.

01:12:04.000 I grew up watching my uncle preach, and so when I was a kid, I loved church.

01:12:11.000 I mean, I loved it, loved it.

01:12:12.000 I loved to go watch him preach.

01:12:13.000 I'd go watch him preach on Sunday, Sunday night, and go watch him preach on Wednesday.

01:12:17.000 And charismatic, funny, and just a...

01:12:23.000 And he comes from nowhere. 1.00

01:12:25.000 His mother was a hooker. 1.00

01:12:26.000 Wow. 1.00

01:12:28.000 But all a self-made man.

01:12:30.000 So I loved it. 1.00

01:12:32.000 And then we moved and I went to a regular Baptist church and I was like, this fucking sucks, man. 1.00

01:12:37.000 Get me out of this motherfucker now. 1.00

01:12:40.000 Where's the youth group fun? 0.99

01:12:42.000 You know, we used to have these youth groups that were more fun than I had anywhere else. 0.90

01:12:45.000 We went on a choir tour where we had to raise money for it, selling pens or whatever the fuck it was. 0.97

01:12:51.000 And then we all piled on a shitty bus and took off singing in churches. 0.98

01:12:56.000 And And it was, you know, it was freedom. 0.94

01:12:59.000 It was total freedom because I could buy, I could eat whatever I wanted.

01:13:03.000 I had $3.50 at 13 years old, 12, 13 years old, 11 maybe, to spend in any restaurant I wanted.

01:13:12.000 I could get whatever I wanted.

01:13:13.000 So every meal, chili and french fries.

01:13:15.000 That's all I want, baby. 0.99

01:13:17.000 You just go bring me the chili and the fucking french fries and pile them up right here. 0.99

01:13:22.000 But... 0.99

01:13:24.000 But once I found out that there are these really great orators and there are some really...

01:13:31.000 Terrible ones.

01:13:32.000 Horrible.

01:13:33.000 Well, it's like comics.

01:13:34.000 It's like people who write books or it's actors, all of the above.

01:13:38.000 There's always a bunch of that.

01:13:39.000 He made no bones about it, too, that if somebody was coming in to look at him to preach at a bigger place...

01:13:46.000 He would pull stuff out of his repertoire, you know, because he's got a killer 45 on something particular that he murders with.

01:13:55.000 And he didn't make any bones about that to me.

01:13:57.000 He goes, yeah, they're coming in to watch me, so I'm going to do my life story or whatever, which is great, you know.

01:14:05.000 Well, like you were talking about with your material, that it takes like three years to really ripen.

01:14:05.000 But...

01:14:10.000 I'm sure that's the same thing. 0.99

01:14:11.000 He had to come up with a new show every fucking Sunday. 0.96

01:14:13.000 And then you couldn't do the same thing Sunday night or the same thing Wednesday night because you had people like me at every show. 0.98

01:14:19.000 It's a lot of jazz, right?

01:14:20.000 A lot of improvisation.

01:14:22.000 A lot of recalling facts.

01:14:22.000 Yeah.

01:14:25.000 It's kind of like Dr. Phil is, because Dr. Phil does three of those shows a day with no script.

01:14:34.000 Has no idea what he's saying walking into it.

01:14:37.000 No idea what's going to happen when he walks into it.

01:14:40.000 And I'm going to tell you right now, nobody else could do it.

01:14:44.000 You could do it. 1.00

01:14:45.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:14:46.000 How dare you. 1.00

01:14:47.000 I could not do it.

01:14:48.000 I couldn't do it.

01:14:49.000 You know how many days a week, a month, I'm actually interesting?

01:14:52.000 I'm like four. 0.99

01:14:53.000 And the rest of them, I'm getting a fucking... 1.00

01:14:55.000 You're gonna make me cry. 0.99

01:14:56.000 I'm getting a dial tone the rest of the time.

01:14:59.000 You're gonna make me cry.

01:14:59.000 I'm getting a dial tone, I'm telling you.

01:15:02.000 But Doc, I mean, just three hour long shows a day with no script.

01:15:07.000 You could do that all day long.

01:15:08.000 I couldn't do it once. 1.00

01:15:08.000 Fuck no, I couldn't. 1.00

01:15:09.000 Yes, you could do it just like this. 1.00

01:15:11.000 Like you're doing it right now.

01:15:12.000 There's no reason why we can't get a direct run away.

01:15:15.000 You haven't noticed you're carrying this conversation?

01:15:17.000 I'm not! 0.99

01:15:18.000 There's no fucking way I am! 0.99

01:15:19.000 That's the weed. 1.00

01:15:20.000 The weed's fucking with you. 0.99

01:15:22.000 You've been telling some amazing stories. 1.00

01:15:23.000 How dare you?

01:15:25.000 Ron White, you can do it.

01:15:27.000 There's no reason why.

01:15:28.000 Somebody figured out that Dr. Phil can do it.

01:15:31.000 He can do it.

01:15:32.000 He's doing it.

01:15:32.000 He did it.

01:15:33.000 He's currently doing it.

01:15:34.000 Somebody figured out that he can improvise about health and all that.

01:15:36.000 You could do what you're doing right now all day.

01:15:40.000 Every day, whenever you want to do it.

01:15:42.000 Yeah, but you don't need any help.

01:15:43.000 What are you talking about? 0.99

01:15:45.000 I need a fucking shitload of help. 0.99

01:15:46.000 Well, I know, but you're going to still make it home either way, you know. 0.99

01:15:50.000 But these are conversations, Ron. 0.98

01:15:52.000 There has to be banter, and in banter, you're fucking hilarious. 0.99

01:15:56.000 Like, how dare you? 0.99

01:15:57.000 You know what?

01:15:58.000 I got offered a radio job one time, and it was probably for twice what I was making as a stand-up comic, and it was with Eddie Fingers in Cincinnati.

01:16:11.000 And that was really, it was $125,000.

01:16:15.000 And I'm like, that's a lot.

01:16:17.000 That's a bunch of cash to me at the time.

01:16:20.000 You start thinking about getting a boat.

01:16:22.000 I might just buy a boat.

01:16:22.000 Right.

01:16:24.000 Boat, you know, mistress. 0.94

01:16:26.000 I got a new car.

01:16:27.000 Ooh, mistress. 0.97

01:16:28.000 That's the thing about money is that you think that the rich people have twice as much money as you, but they don't.

01:16:34.000 They have a thousand times more money than you.

01:16:37.000 The really rich people?

01:16:38.000 Yeah, so 125. But anyway, but what I realized was that they saw me come in once a year and murder on their radio show.

01:16:48.000 But...

01:16:50.000 Getting that out of me every day?

01:16:52.000 There's no way.

01:16:53.000 You got five days a week?

01:16:54.000 This is where we differ.

01:16:55.000 We have a problem here. 0.98

01:16:56.000 Because I fucking hang out with you all the time now at the comedy store. 0.98

01:16:59.000 How many times have we drank together? 0.99

01:17:01.000 A dozen?

01:17:02.000 At least.

01:17:03.000 Maybe two dozen? 0.99

01:17:04.000 Every fucking time it's been this. 0.99

01:17:06.000 It's been awesome. 0.99

01:17:08.000 Oh, well, but, you know...

01:17:10.000 I'm just saying don't count on it. 0.99

01:17:12.000 I'm fucking counting on it. 0.98

01:17:14.000 How would you possibly count on you not being you? 0.99

01:17:17.000 I don't know.

01:17:18.000 That doesn't make any sense at all.

01:17:19.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:17:20.000 What happened to that joint?

01:17:21.000 Oh, we got another one, man. 1.00

01:17:22.000 Fuck that one. 1.00

01:17:23.000 That one's gone. 1.00

01:17:24.000 I like how Ron White thinks.

01:17:27.000 This is important.

01:17:28.000 We're already struggling with reality.

01:17:31.000 Ron White thinks, notice you're the one carrying the conversation.

01:17:35.000 He's telling like 10 epic stories. 0.99

01:17:39.000 God damn it, Ron White. 0.99

01:17:44.000 Why is it that something... 0.99

01:17:46.000 I don't want to make you embarrassed.

01:17:48.000 But why is it something that all the great comics have?

01:17:51.000 Where there's this, like, ridiculous humility in a lot of ways.

01:17:57.000 You know?

01:17:59.000 I had a conversation with Dave Chappelle once.

01:18:01.000 Dave Chappelle and I were talking. 0.99

01:18:03.000 We went to this fucking Hollywood party. 0.99

01:18:07.000 That was like deep up in the hills. 1.00

01:18:08.000 It was Naomi Campbell's birthday party.

01:18:11.000 It was a 50-foot tall naked photo of Naomi Campbell.

01:18:15.000 We had to go to a place, and we had to park. 0.99

01:18:18.000 And then from where we parked, we had to get in a bus that took us to this fucking house. 1.00

01:18:21.000 This house was ridiculous. 0.99

01:18:24.000 And I get up there with Dave, and I was like... 0.84

01:18:27.000 It was so weird.

01:18:29.000 It was like, Demi Moore was there, and Ledney Kravitz was there, and all these famous people were there.

01:18:33.000 I saw like a ton of famous people.

01:18:34.000 And I'm like, dude, this is so weird.

01:18:36.000 There's like this gathering of famous people.

01:18:38.000 This is so strange.

01:18:39.000 He goes, yeah, man, I would never be one of those.

01:18:42.000 I don't want to be one of those.

01:18:43.000 I go, what are you talking about? 1.00

01:18:45.000 You're the most famous person in this fucking room. 1.00

01:18:47.000 And he looked at me like, what? 1.00

01:18:49.000 And I go, dude, you're the most...

01:18:50.000 We're both...

01:18:53.000 I mean, we're beyond high.

01:18:55.000 We're beyond high.

01:18:57.000 And we're hanging out at this famous party.

01:18:59.000 I go, dude, you're the most famous person here.

01:19:00.000 He goes, Joe, stop lying to me, man.

01:19:04.000 I'm like, there's no doubt you're the most famous person here.

01:19:07.000 I was playing Denver, and he was working out stuff at the Comedy Works in Denver, which is one of the best comedy clubs in the country, too.

01:19:16.000 Oh, one of the best.

01:19:17.000 It's right up there at the Ice House.

01:19:18.000 He was in there all week doing sets, and so he called.

01:19:25.000 And I paid to see him in Santa Barbara like a year and a half ago.

01:19:31.000 Wow.

01:19:31.000 We were walking down the street, and it was for sale, and we walked up.

01:19:35.000 You just didn't even know he was there?

01:19:36.000 No.

01:19:36.000 Oh, wow.

01:19:37.000 Me and my wife walked in, sat down, and just howled.

01:19:42.000 I mean, kind of like you in a way, he'll walk out on some pretty thin limbs and just jump on them.

01:19:54.000 And has a punchline to back it up with.

01:19:56.000 And I was real, real impressed.

01:19:58.000 And then he called me when I was in Denver and said, would you come out and do a set?

01:20:02.000 Because I was coming in a day early in front of me. 0.97

01:20:07.000 And I'm like, oh, fuck yeah, I'd love to. 0.95

01:20:10.000 But anyway, after a set here one night, I hear it like we're at the comedy store. 0.97

01:20:17.000 I was leaving, and I was walking up to my car, and he's got a bunch of people in a big old huge SUV. And he goes, Ron White, you're coming with us.

01:20:25.000 I said, no, I gotta go home.

01:20:26.000 No, you don't.

01:20:27.000 No, you don't.

01:20:28.000 No, you don't.

01:20:28.000 You're coming with us.

01:20:29.000 You have to come with us.

01:20:30.000 You are coming with us tonight.

01:20:32.000 Get in this car.

01:20:33.000 And I'm like, okay.

01:20:34.000 So we went to some club.

01:20:37.000 Couldn't tell you where it was.

01:20:38.000 I mean, you know, not that far, downtown somewhere, but really no door, no name, you know, just to get through it. 0.93

01:20:45.000 And what we did is we went out and we saw how much fun it was to be Dave fucking Chappelle.

01:20:51.000 You know, I go to the comedy store because I'm famous when I'm there. 0.87

01:20:56.000 You know, I'm not famous everywhere.

01:20:58.000 He's famous everywhere.

01:21:00.000 And he's also, you know, fun about it.

01:21:04.000 Yeah.

01:21:04.000 You know, some people, I mean, he'll go engage every table and talk to them.

01:21:08.000 I mean, he's not, you know, come here, come here.

01:21:12.000 Oh, get away, get away, get away. 1.00

01:21:13.000 No, he's a great guy.

01:21:14.000 He's a weirdly great guy.

01:21:17.000 He always has been, too.

01:21:18.000 I think I met Dave when he was like 18 or something.

01:21:21.000 He was always like, just a super nice guy.

01:21:24.000 Just always been very genuine, you know, and in the amazing pressure that you face and being, like in a lot of ways, the voice of a comedic generation.

01:21:35.000 When he was doing Chappelle's show, it was sort of the defining show of that generation.

01:21:41.000 There's really no parallel.

01:21:43.000 He does like, what, two seasons?

01:21:45.000 Did he do two seasons?

01:21:46.000 Two seasons.

01:21:47.000 And then he had a $50 million contract and he showed up in Africa or something.

01:21:51.000 I don't know exactly what happened.

01:21:52.000 And had some of the best sketches ever.

01:21:55.000 That one, the blind guy who didn't know that he was black and he was a white supremacist. 1.00

01:22:00.000 Holy shit! 1.00

01:22:02.000 I mean, he was in the KKK and he didn't know that he was black because he was blind. 1.00

01:22:06.000 It is one of the funniest bits the fucking universe has ever seen. 0.95

01:22:10.000 And he did it for two years, and it sort of, when they tried to change his show, and he just walked away. 0.93

01:22:10.000 Right. 0.93

01:22:17.000 That's sort of like...

01:22:19.000 You know what?

01:22:19.000 I don't know that anybody tried to change his show.

01:22:22.000 I know they did.

01:22:23.000 You do?

01:22:24.000 Okay.

01:22:25.000 But what I... You know, that...

01:22:28.000 He couldn't go into stand-up because they wouldn't leave him alone.

01:22:31.000 You know, he couldn't start going...

01:22:33.000 Because right then, he was ripe to play every major...

01:22:36.000 Whatever he wanted to sell, he could sell it.

01:22:39.000 Still can't.

01:22:41.000 But they would... 1.00

01:22:42.000 Rick James, bitch! 1.00

01:22:43.000 They would just scream at him the whole time. 1.00

01:22:45.000 And I can only imagine how frustrating that would be.

01:22:49.000 But I... That happened for a little while, yeah.

01:22:52.000 I saw that.

01:22:53.000 But now, it's security heavy.

01:22:55.000 I mean, if you want to get thrown out of his show, there's a good chance you will.

01:22:58.000 Yeah.

01:22:59.000 Because there's a bunch of big guys walking around, and then they try to stay pretty low.

01:23:03.000 But if you think it's going to be about you and Chappelle exchanging pleasantries, you're wrong.

01:23:10.000 You're going to be shut up and then thrown out.

01:23:13.000 But, and I get it. 0.74

01:23:15.000 I'll have somebody thrown out of one of my shows in two seconds. 1.00

01:23:19.000 Sometimes you just have to. 1.00

01:23:20.000 I saw Chris D'Elia's Instagram the other day, and there was some couple that was leaving, and apparently they were just really rude to him during his show, and they were yelling out, you're a loser and all this shit. 1.00

01:23:31.000 And he... 1.00

01:23:33.000 You know, Chris is so silly. 1.00

01:23:36.000 Chris is so silly. 1.00

01:23:37.000 He's on stage. 1.00

01:23:38.000 He's like, bye, you fucking idiots! 1.00

01:23:40.000 And he's laughing about it. 1.00

01:23:42.000 He's like, one more thing, one more thing. 1.00

01:23:44.000 Bye, you fucking idiots! 1.00

01:23:45.000 And the whole crowd starts cheering. 1.00

01:23:48.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.96

01:23:49.000 But this couple, apparently, they just wouldn't stop heckling him. 1.00

01:23:52.000 They wouldn't stop calling him a loser. 0.99

01:23:54.000 Imagine paying to go see somebody and then calling him a loser. 1.00

01:23:57.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:23:59.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:24:01.000 Like, what happened? 1.00

01:24:02.000 What happened?

01:24:03.000 Who needs a hug?

01:24:04.000 Who needs a hug first? 0.96

01:24:06.000 I got a pretty zero tolerance policy.

01:24:09.000 I mean, because I'm not going to banter with you at all. 0.96

01:24:12.000 I'm going to ask you to shut up. 0.86

01:24:14.000 And if you don't do that, then I'm going to tell you this.

01:24:17.000 Things have been set in motion that I cannot stop because you didn't listen to what I said last time.

01:24:22.000 And I can't because if I do that, somebody's already walking over and they're going to get thrown out. 0.95

01:24:26.000 Well, I'm like talking about some fucking Mortal Kombat. 0.99

01:24:29.000 Goddamn. 1.00

01:24:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:24:31.000 Well, some people...

01:24:32.000 You know, there's a lot of different kinds of people, folks.

01:24:35.000 Some of them just don't get it.

01:24:38.000 They're just too frustrating to interact with.

01:24:41.000 They just want to make it about them and scream out, interrupt a show for whatever reason.

01:24:46.000 And it's not their fault, maybe.

01:24:48.000 It's the way they were raised. 1.00

01:24:49.000 Maybe it's the fucking genetics they were handed. 1.00

01:24:51.000 They don't go to the theater a lot. 1.00

01:24:52.000 There's a lot of things.

01:24:53.000 They might be drunk. 0.99

01:24:54.000 They might be fucked up. 0.99

01:24:55.000 They might have anxiety. 1.00

01:24:56.000 Who knows?

01:24:57.000 Yeah, I think sometimes they think it helps.

01:25:00.000 You know, to give the comedian something to do.

01:25:04.000 I think they think it helps.

01:25:05.000 I don't think they're trying to stump the comic most of the time.

01:25:09.000 Because me, or you, handling a heckler is like playing ping pong with a chicken. 0.99

01:25:19.000 It's so fucking easy. 0.88

01:25:21.000 But I just don't want to do it. 0.93

01:25:23.000 I don't want to spend any time doing it.

01:25:25.000 I want to spend all my time entertaining these other bunch of people.

01:25:27.000 I agree.

01:25:28.000 But occasionally, I will open to the fact that there's a weird exchange between a comedian and an audience.

01:25:36.000 It's a weird exchange. 0.99

01:25:36.000 And occasionally, people say shit that's fucking funny. 0.99

01:25:41.000 It is unfortunate. 0.99

01:25:42.000 I should be more like that than I'm not.

01:25:45.000 I'm not. 0.98

01:25:46.000 I'm so fucking humorless. 0.97

01:25:50.000 Because I bounce laughs off a laugh, so that's what I do. 0.99

01:25:54.000 I dribble.

01:25:55.000 I'm going to pace, rhythm, timing, boom, boom, boom.

01:25:57.000 So I'm going to start you here, I'm going to dribble you to here, and then I'm going to be slamming you. 1.00

01:26:02.000 But if you stop me... 1.00

01:26:04.000 Then I gotta go, okay, fuck. 1.00

01:26:07.000 You're right. 1.00

01:26:08.000 And I'm gonna start dribbling down here.

01:26:09.000 But I'll get there quick.

01:26:10.000 But I mean, it always makes me mad.

01:26:14.000 And it shouldn't make me mad.

01:26:16.000 That shouldn't be the reaction, but it does.

01:26:18.000 It makes me mad because I have what I want.

01:26:22.000 Right. 0.99

01:26:22.000 And you're fucking it up. 0.99

01:26:25.000 That definitely does happen. 0.98

01:26:27.000 That happens too. 0.99

01:26:31.000 I just think every now and then someone says some funny shit. 0.99

01:26:35.000 You're right. 0.99

01:26:36.000 I should.

01:26:36.000 I mean, I should.

01:26:37.000 Lighten the fuck up. 1.00

01:26:38.000 I'm a fucking comedian. 1.00

01:26:39.000 I had this one joke. 1.00

01:26:40.000 It was this one time, one of the best heckles ever.

01:26:42.000 It was in New Jersey.

01:26:43.000 I was doing a theater in Jersey.

01:26:45.000 And I had this one joke about Kim Kardashian meeting the aliens.

01:26:50.000 And I'm like, well, who do you think is the most famous woman in the world?

01:26:53.000 And this guy goes, your mother.

01:26:56.000 And it was the way he said it.

01:26:57.000 It was like the perfect timing.

01:26:59.000 Or maybe he might have said your mom.

01:27:01.000 Your mom.

01:27:01.000 I think he said your mom.

01:27:02.000 I was like, this is fucking hilarious. 1.00

01:27:04.000 Your mom. 1.00

01:27:05.000 Anytime you could say your mom.

01:27:06.000 Was it your mom?

01:27:07.000 That's funny.

01:27:08.000 I mean, that's 80% of the banter that Ari, Shafir, and I have with each other. 1.00

01:27:13.000 Was it your mom that sucked all those dicks? 1.00

01:27:14.000 No? 1.00

01:27:15.000 Okay.

01:27:18.000 The guy never heckled again.

01:27:20.000 It was the one heckle in one show.

01:27:22.000 It was like perfect.

01:27:23.000 He went in like a ninja. 0.56

01:27:24.000 He dropped a nuclear bomb. 0.97

01:27:26.000 Your mom. 0.94

01:27:26.000 Boom. 0.94

01:27:27.000 And it got a laugh.

01:27:28.000 It got a laugh.

01:27:30.000 Now, did you tell him that don't try it again?

01:27:33.000 No, I admitted it was really funny. 0.98

01:27:35.000 Whenever you can say that, that's fucking funny. 0.82

01:27:37.000 I wonder why I can't do that. 0.98

01:27:38.000 But I sure can't.

01:27:40.000 It just pisses me off.

01:27:42.000 Sometimes.

01:27:43.000 I agree.

01:27:44.000 I'm not a heckler supporter.

01:27:47.000 I think you are.

01:27:48.000 I'm not.

01:27:49.000 I'm just saying what a live show is really is some weird interaction, right?

01:27:55.000 And I think people like to know that you're right there.

01:27:58.000 Well, when I'd been doing stand-up for six years and I was headlining Comedy Club, I prayed to God somebody would heckle me because I couldn't get to 45 minutes without it.

01:28:07.000 So, you know, I needed about four or five minutes of jabber and asking Hayseeds where they're from, which is pure third-grade comedy. 1.00

01:28:19.000 And I'm clearly a fourth-grader.

01:28:23.000 Yeah.

01:28:26.000 How long is it before someone does a hologram show where you go to a theater and the holograms are so good that it looks like it's really Ron White?

01:28:35.000 It's already there.

01:28:36.000 But you're on the other side of the planet.

01:28:38.000 Right.

01:28:39.000 It's already there.

01:28:40.000 You think so?

01:28:40.000 Yeah.

01:28:41.000 It's on Rodeo Drive.

01:28:45.000 There's a company over there on Rodeo Drive that are doing the most amazing...

01:28:51.000 The thing is, it still needs to evolve.

01:28:53.000 Right.

01:28:53.000 You know, it's like these...

01:28:57.000 Well, anyway, it still needs to evolve.

01:28:58.000 Did you see when they did it on CNN? When they used it for the elections one year?

01:29:03.000 They had, like, Wolf Blitzer in the hologram.

01:29:05.000 Do you remember that, Jamie?

01:29:06.000 What was that about?

01:29:07.000 They tried that, like, one time.

01:29:09.000 And they're like, this is freaking people the fuck out.

01:29:11.000 Like, what are we, Star Wars?

01:29:13.000 Is he gonna beam up now? 0.98

01:29:15.000 What the fuck is Wolf Blitzer doing in a hologram? 1.00

01:29:18.000 Can't you just put a camera on him wherever the fuck he is? 1.00

01:29:20.000 Why do you have to show me a hologram? 1.00

01:29:22.000 Like, what's going on here?

01:29:23.000 People just...

01:29:25.000 Right?

01:29:26.000 Well, but now they just can't do it for as long as they want to.

01:29:30.000 Right.

01:29:31.000 So without it just costing a gillion dollars. 1.00

01:29:34.000 But eventually, you can do it on your fucking phone. 1.00

01:29:37.000 Wow. 1.00

01:29:37.000 You can project an image of something you're thinking right there in front of you. 1.00

01:29:41.000 Look at this woman. 1.00

01:29:41.000 She's glowing. 1.00

01:29:42.000 She's like, help me, Obi-Wan.

01:29:44.000 You're my only hope. 1.00

01:29:45.000 This is my pussy. 1.00

01:29:47.000 CNN's Jessica Yellen via hologram from Chicago. 1.00

01:29:50.000 It's a really fucking cool-looking hologram, but she's got a weird... 0.86

01:29:53.000 Oh, I didn't even know we were watching something about holograms. 0.96

01:29:57.000 I thought you were talking to me.

01:29:59.000 You're watching television.

01:30:00.000 Look at it.

01:30:00.000 It's right there.

01:30:01.000 That's that woman. 1.00

01:30:02.000 That was when they did it on CNN, where they had her as a... 1.00

01:30:05.000 This was during the McCain-Obama.

01:30:08.000 Oh, wow.

01:30:09.000 And she's a hologram. 0.80

01:30:11.000 They did this on CNN. She's glowing.

01:30:13.000 This is so freaky.

01:30:15.000 This is so sci-fi.

01:30:18.000 I think America was like, no.

01:30:20.000 No more of this.

01:30:21.000 You know what else it is?

01:30:22.000 It's really bad radio.

01:30:24.000 Because nobody can see it.

01:30:27.000 Yeah, but there's a lot of people watching on YouTube, too.

01:30:29.000 We'll tell them.

01:30:30.000 Okay.

01:30:31.000 This is also on YouTube.

01:30:32.000 Wait, what are we going to tell them?

01:30:33.000 CNN's Jessica Yellen via hologram.

01:30:36.000 Just Google that and you can watch this video.

01:30:38.000 CNN hologram first is a video we're watching.

01:30:41.000 And you can play that.

01:30:42.000 Record it and play it while you're listening to Joe and I's banter.

01:30:46.000 Just tell me what you're seeing.

01:30:48.000 Cut it. 0.63

01:30:49.000 Does this freak you out when you see this person with this blue glow around them? 1.00

01:30:53.000 Like there's some fucking alien. 0.99

01:30:54.000 What are they preparing us for? 1.00

01:30:55.000 It looks like money to me.

01:30:57.000 I don't want to go straight Alex Jones here, but...

01:31:00.000 I would say, that looks crazy.

01:31:03.000 How long before people start doing stand-up like that?

01:31:06.000 Where the audience will heckle, but it won't work because you're not really there. 0.98

01:31:10.000 So it'll only work if everybody shuts the fuck up. 0.95

01:31:12.000 You just keep on moving. 0.99

01:31:14.000 Just blow on a thread.

01:31:15.000 Sometimes I feel like that.

01:31:17.000 Well, what they'll do is they'll film you doing a set somewhere in front of a crowd with this hologram thing projecting it.

01:31:23.000 So you'll do a live show, but the live show is only going to be for the people right in front of you.

01:31:28.000 Instead of a DVD, it'll be something that maybe I could be in your living room at some point for a limited amount of dates.

01:31:40.000 No, I still can if you have a lot of money.

01:31:44.000 But eventually, I'm just saying, where does it stop?

01:31:48.000 If you can do that right there, then eventually you'll be able to do it on a small scale.

01:31:57.000 I brought my drone.

01:32:01.000 There's a drone now that'll follow you and take pictures of you.

01:32:04.000 Have you seen that?

01:32:05.000 It floats above you and films pictures of you.

01:32:09.000 So you can film stuff.

01:32:10.000 I have one.

01:32:11.000 You have one of those?

01:32:12.000 What do you do with it?

01:32:14.000 Well, lately, now that I live at the Montage in Beverly Hills, I fly it down Beverly Drive and just take footage of it and turn it around, snapshots.

01:32:30.000 But the thing is, I used to live off a canyon, right?

01:32:33.000 So if it crashed...

01:32:35.000 It was just going to go into the canyon. 0.99

01:32:36.000 Now it goes into some kid's head if it fucking falls out of the sky, right? 0.98

01:32:41.000 How often does it fall? 0.99

01:32:42.000 Never.

01:32:43.000 But I still can't keep from thinking about it every once in a while. 0.88

01:32:47.000 It is fucking weird that you could just have a robot that flies around. 0.80

01:32:51.000 You can go right over to the Beverly Wilshire and just park it right in any window you want. 1.00

01:32:56.000 And if those curtains are open and you want to watch those people fuck... 1.00

01:33:00.000 They're going to get pissed when they see that goddamn drone, but they don't know who's flying it. 1.00

01:33:08.000 What are we doing? 1.00

01:33:10.000 And it goes 80 miles an hour.

01:33:12.000 What are you saying, Jamie?

01:33:13.000 It's going to fall out of the sky here in a second.

01:33:14.000 It's going to fall out of the sky?

01:33:16.000 Yes, it's one of the new GoPro drones a couple weeks ago. 0.99

01:33:18.000 Oh shit. 0.96

01:33:19.000 They were over a baseball field and it took a nosedive. 1.00

01:33:23.000 Didn't hit anybody.

01:33:25.000 But that's just luck.

01:33:26.000 But it didn't fall on Beverly Drive either during Christmas season.

01:33:30.000 Oh my god, that's crazy. 0.99

01:33:32.000 What the fuck just happened? 0.99

01:33:32.000 So that thing just fell out of the sky. 0.99

01:33:34.000 Did you see the one where the guy... 0.99

01:33:36.000 That looks like bullshit to me. 0.99

01:33:39.000 That happened, I'm pretty sure. 1.00

01:33:40.000 This looks like bullshit though. 1.00

01:33:41.000 This pose looks like bullshit. 1.00

01:33:43.000 Maybe I'm just too quick to call bullshit. 1.00

01:33:45.000 Maybe, yeah. 0.86

01:33:46.000 But did you see that one where there was a guy that was on the skiing slopes, and he was in some sort of Olympic competition or something, and the drone fell behind him?

01:33:55.000 Like right behind him.

01:33:56.000 He barely missed him.

01:33:57.000 But it was a big drone.

01:33:58.000 Big drone, yeah.

01:33:59.000 Yeah, with like a movie camera on it or something.

01:34:01.000 Yeah, here it is.

01:34:02.000 So this guy's skiing.

01:34:04.000 What is this competition, Jamie?

01:34:06.000 The Olympics or something. 1.00

01:34:07.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:34:07.000 And look at that. 1.00

01:34:08.000 Oh, and he never saw it.

01:34:09.000 He never saw it.

01:34:10.000 But it fell right behind him.

01:34:11.000 Like, this is crazy.

01:34:12.000 Oh, it would have killed him. 1.00

01:34:14.000 It probably would have fucked him up, man. 1.00

01:34:16.000 Look at this. 0.95

01:34:17.000 With this thing, and you've seen it in high speed.

01:34:20.000 First of all, look at that.

01:34:21.000 Watch.

01:34:22.000 Boom.

01:34:23.000 Right behind him.

01:34:24.000 And it looks like, it's hard to tell with perspective, but it looks like just a few feet.

01:34:28.000 It looks like it busted into about a billion pieces. 0.98

01:34:31.000 That would have fucking hurt like hell if that hit him. 0.97

01:34:36.000 Yeah, you can't do that. 0.99

01:34:38.000 I'm going to quit flying it over Beverly Drive.

01:34:42.000 I can tell in my gut when I'm doing something if I shouldn't be doing it.

01:34:47.000 I really do have a little signal inside of me that goes, Ron.

01:34:53.000 And I rarely listen to it.

01:34:54.000 I rarely do.

01:34:57.000 But I think I probably ought to quit flying the drone up and down Rodeo Drive when I can't even see it.

01:35:02.000 Yeah, definitely don't have that robot monster flying in the sky dropping on people's heads like that thing. 1.00

01:35:08.000 I took it to the place where Sturgis is.

01:35:14.000 The bike thing?

01:35:15.000 Yeah.

01:35:15.000 Where is it?

01:35:18.000 Anyway, there's a little town up there, a little casino town where Deadwood is.

01:35:26.000 I think it is Deadwood.

01:35:27.000 How do I not know where Sturgis is?

01:35:29.000 Where is it?

01:35:29.000 It's in Idaho, right?

01:35:31.000 South Dakota?

01:35:32.000 South Dakota, right. 0.99

01:35:33.000 People in Idaho go, we're not fucking South Dakota, bro. 0.99

01:35:36.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:35:37.000 So it's like, that's that big motorcycle thing, right? 0.99

01:35:41.000 Where everybody gets together and they just fucking ride. 0.98

01:35:43.000 I mean, it's a million things. 0.99

01:35:45.000 I mean, a million people.

01:35:46.000 This is it.

01:35:47.000 That is insane.

01:35:48.000 See how beautiful this little charming little street's been like this, except for the pavement, since 1785. Holy shit. 1.00

01:35:55.000 And it's always been intact because it's always been a town that always made money and doing something. 0.99

01:36:01.000 So a big gold town, but so it's all intact. 0.97

01:36:04.000 So this is all going uphill where he's going right now.

01:36:08.000 And it keeps going uphill for a ways.

01:36:11.000 And then back up to the left...

01:36:15.000 Way up a hill is the hotel where I'm at.

01:36:18.000 So I'm going to take my drone and I want to go down that strip and shoot that street, you know, just from one end to the other.

01:36:27.000 And I had a spare battery in my pocket, and so I took it out front and I took it off from there and I just kind of walked it over like I was flying a kite.

01:36:36.000 And I get up there and...

01:36:38.000 And I send it down the street.

01:36:40.000 I just fly it down there just for a practice run.

01:36:42.000 And it's, you know, almost a mile.

01:36:45.000 And then fly it back up.

01:36:49.000 And then I fly it back down there again, and while it's flying, this really good-looking girl goes, oh, you're the one with the drone scaring everybody. 1.00

01:36:58.000 And I said, the kids love it.

01:37:03.000 But then I look back around, and it wasn't there.

01:37:07.000 The drone was gone.

01:37:11.000 And then I started running down that hill.

01:37:16.000 I mean, just kind of walking fast going, where is it?

01:37:19.000 And then I'd send it up, you know, because you can hit an up button and it'll go straight up until you can see it.

01:37:25.000 And that wouldn't happen.

01:37:26.000 I was walking down.

01:37:27.000 And then I looked.

01:37:28.000 And once the battery gets so low, it just takes over itself and takes us back to where you started from.

01:37:35.000 It was taken back to the home base.

01:37:40.000 Which is right in front of that really busy hotel.

01:37:43.000 It's going to come in.

01:37:44.000 My little drone's going to come dropping in.

01:37:46.000 So I got to just huff it.

01:37:49.000 And I'm a downhill guy.

01:37:50.000 I am not an uphill guy.

01:37:52.000 And I see the drone flying over my head towards the hotel.

01:37:55.000 I can't stop it.

01:37:56.000 I'm totally out of control.

01:37:57.000 And I'm just...

01:37:58.000 I can't.

01:38:03.000 I mean, I can't stop.

01:38:04.000 I got to get there. 1.00

01:38:05.000 I got to beat the fucking thing to the fucking hotel. 1.00

01:38:09.000 And I don't. 1.00

01:38:10.000 But it doesn't matter, because it comes down to about an inch or an hour.

01:38:14.000 It just comes in really slow and just lands.

01:38:17.000 So I'm bent over, holding a chair, just...

01:38:20.000 I mean, this is as out of breath as I've ever been in my life.

01:38:28.000 And this guy goes, is there any way I can get a picture of me while I'm dying?

01:38:34.000 Is that what you...

01:38:38.000 So are there drones that can navigate around trees and things?

01:38:42.000 These won't hit a wall.

01:38:45.000 Like they'll come near it and then they'll just stop?

01:38:47.000 Yeah, if you have that, you know.

01:38:50.000 What are we doing?

01:38:51.000 What are you doing, Ron White?

01:38:52.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:38:53.000 Why the fuck are we allowing these flying robots to be everywhere? 0.99

01:38:57.000 Well, it was a big case in Texas. 0.99

01:38:59.000 My son was telling me about it where this guy flew his drone into another guy's yard and he shot it with a shotgun.

01:39:05.000 Jesus Christ.

01:39:06.000 And he's like, well, you're filming my family.

01:39:09.000 And so now it's, you know, who's the fault?

01:39:13.000 He doesn't own that airspace.

01:39:15.000 I mean, it seems like you'd own a foot or two of it, right?

01:39:18.000 Of your own airspace?

01:39:20.000 Well, it's a totally new dilemma.

01:39:21.000 And it's one more piece of technology that brings us, like, weirdly more connected, some sort of strange, almost forced way.

01:39:29.000 Like, now, we thought the only way to get around was essentially by being on foot, so you could put up a fence.

01:39:35.000 But now, if you can fly in 3D space, well, where am I allowed to go?

01:39:40.000 Where am I not allowed to go?

01:39:42.000 Are you allowed to fly over anybody's house?

01:39:44.000 How does that work?

01:39:45.000 And as technology gets closer and closer and closer and closer to whatever the fuck the singularity is, we're going to probably physically be able to do that.

01:39:55.000 Right now, we can't physically fly around.

01:39:58.000 It's too difficult to...

01:39:59.000 Have some sort of a jetpack-type situation.

01:40:02.000 Yeah, listen, those empty promises rang hollow years ago, the jetpacks. 1.00

01:40:09.000 They did, but as technology improves, there's a possibility within our lifetime of some sort of propulsion system that works on some sort of a vest that you would wear.

01:40:20.000 Next hundred years, all you got to do to see what's going to happen in the next hundred years is look at the last hundred years and that kind of momentum is going to continue straight on until this looks like antique.

01:40:35.000 Why did they ever do it this way?

01:40:37.000 A hundred percent. 1.00

01:40:38.000 Everything we're doing is stupid. 1.00

01:40:39.000 Everything. 1.00

01:40:40.000 So Ron got in a car and drove And they did what?

01:40:48.000 They met?

01:40:48.000 You know, I don't know what it's going to be, but...

01:40:51.000 Yeah, man.

01:40:52.000 These are like the strangest times ever.

01:40:55.000 I really feel like every day feels so strange.

01:40:59.000 Like, the fact that Donald Trump is really the president.

01:41:03.000 Like, that feels so strange.

01:41:06.000 Yeah.

01:41:07.000 You know, I didn't vote for the president-elect, but I did get my tax estimates two days ago, and when I looked at it, I was like, go Trump!

01:41:19.000 Now, I don't mean to say that I agree with anything he's ever said in his life, but...

01:41:23.000 But, you know, I don't know how these really rich guys are getting away with paying 3%, and I'm paying 34% tax on this money.

01:41:34.000 And, you know, well, he did get elected, so...

01:41:39.000 I am going to get the benefits of those tax breaks.

01:41:42.000 I wouldn't trade my country for it, but I'll take them.

01:41:45.000 It's just fascinating because he's the first truly famous, like super famous guy who ran for president and won.

01:41:53.000 No, Reagan. 0.97

01:41:53.000 I don't think Reagan can fuck with Trump in the super famous department. 0.97

01:41:57.000 Oh, come on. 0.99

01:41:57.000 Reagan was a movie star, dude. 0.99

01:41:59.000 I know, but I mean...

01:41:59.000 There was a movie star back when they had three televisions.

01:42:03.000 I was six or whatever I was.

01:42:09.000 I don't remember how old I was.

01:42:10.000 I don't remember how old I was either.

01:42:12.000 But I remember I was pretty high.

01:42:13.000 I'm not good with numbers.

01:42:13.000 I definitely wasn't voting age during the administration.

01:42:17.000 But do you really think Reagan was as big a star as Trump is?

01:42:22.000 That Apprentice, Celebrity Apprentice show?

01:42:24.000 That was a big hit.

01:42:25.000 Worldwide, no.

01:42:27.000 Worldwide, no.

01:42:28.000 But U.S. wise, yes.

01:42:30.000 Absolutely.

01:42:31.000 Every bit is famous.

01:42:32.000 And so was Schwarzenegger.

01:42:35.000 Schwarzenegger for sure.

01:42:36.000 If Schwarzenegger ran for president, if he was allowed to, he's not allowed to because he's born in Austria, he'd win. 0.99

01:42:42.000 He'd fucking win. 0.98

01:42:44.000 I think he'd win. 0.99

01:42:45.000 I think if Trump can win, for sure Schwarzenegger can win.

01:42:48.000 And I think he taught us something very important that I think changed the lives of a lot of people.

01:42:54.000 You can't unfuck the babysitter.

01:42:57.000 Can't do it. 1.00

01:42:57.000 You can't un-fuck the babysitter. 1.00

01:42:59.000 You can't take that back. 1.00

01:43:00.000 Yeah, you can't.

01:43:01.000 It is what it is. 1.00

01:43:02.000 So don't fuck the babysitter. 1.00

01:43:03.000 It is what it is. 1.00

01:43:04.000 Look what can happen.

01:43:05.000 But people still love him.

01:43:06.000 They know what he is.

01:43:07.000 He's, you know...

01:43:09.000 That's why I'm...

01:43:10.000 He smokes cigars at this place where I smoke cigars sometimes, and that's why I'm walking out of a building.

01:43:16.000 I said, hey, governor.

01:43:17.000 He didn't say anything.

01:43:19.000 But wouldn't you still call him governor?

01:43:21.000 I would call him whatever he wants, sir.

01:43:23.000 I met him once.

01:43:25.000 I think I probably called him brother.

01:43:26.000 Brother.

01:43:27.000 Because they call everybody brother.

01:43:28.000 Right.

01:43:29.000 But he was super cool.

01:43:31.000 I met him at the UFC. I was like, I'm shaking his hand.

01:43:34.000 I'm like, goddamn, shaking hands with Arnold motherfucking Schwarzenegger. 0.99

01:43:38.000 It's one of those weird ones. 1.00

01:43:39.000 Yeah.

01:43:39.000 Certain people you meet and you go, whoa.

01:43:41.000 Certain people you meet and you're like, hey man, what's up?

01:43:43.000 Nice to meet you.

01:43:44.000 And other people you meet and you're like, I can't fucking believe I'm meeting Sylvester Stallone.

01:43:48.000 It's just weird, you know? 0.56

01:43:50.000 Right.

01:43:52.000 It's true.

01:43:53.000 You know, like that Jack Nicklaus guy.

01:43:55.000 Or Jack Nicholson, rather.

01:43:56.000 Either one.

01:43:56.000 One of them's dead, right?

01:43:57.000 The golfer died, didn't he?

01:43:59.000 Nicholas, yeah.

01:43:59.000 He died?

01:44:00.000 Jack Nicholson, yeah.

01:44:01.000 No, he didn't.

01:44:02.000 Jack Nicholson's alive.

01:44:03.000 Arnold Palmer died.

01:44:04.000 Oh, that's right.

01:44:05.000 Jack's fine.

01:44:06.000 Sorry, Jack.

01:44:06.000 I'm sorry.

01:44:07.000 I'm so sorry.

01:44:08.000 Everybody.

01:44:08.000 If you're listening.

01:44:09.000 Everybody involved.

01:44:09.000 If you're listening.

01:44:10.000 Jack Nicholson, though, the actor.

01:44:12.000 Like, if you met him.

01:44:12.000 And he's alive, too.

01:44:13.000 He is alive, too.

01:44:14.000 All these people are alive, Joe.

01:44:15.000 Yes.

01:44:16.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:44:17.000 I knew somebody died.

01:44:19.000 Couldn't figure out which golfer.

01:44:21.000 Yeah, Arnold Palmer.

01:44:23.000 But that's one, if you meet Jack Nicholson, you're going to freak out a little bit.

01:44:30.000 You have to.

01:44:32.000 Yeah, he played through our group at Bel Air one time when I was playing golf with Doc, and him and Joe Pesci played through our group.

01:44:39.000 What was that like?

01:44:41.000 You know what?

01:44:41.000 They just played through our group.

01:44:44.000 It was a par three that I played the course a lot with Doc, and But they turned around.

01:44:52.000 They both gave you the movie star look.

01:44:55.000 It wasn't much, but it was definitely two really, really, really cool, famous people.

01:45:06.000 It's not often I spazz out.

01:45:10.000 About meeting somebody, but I was like the grand marshal at Talladega, and Margo sang the national anthem, so we were like the king and queen of the Talladega Speedway that weekend.

01:45:26.000 They were filming.

01:45:28.000 Talladega Nights was about to come out, and Farrell was there.

01:45:32.000 And we went to this dinner.

01:45:35.000 It was by all these famous chefs, supposed to be really nice, and he was in line.

01:45:40.000 And I just started walking towards him like a zombie.

01:45:44.000 I had nothing to say.

01:45:46.000 I had no plan.

01:45:48.000 And then I just stopped myself and went, Ron, would you go sit down?

01:45:52.000 Jesus Christ.

01:45:54.000 But I'm such a huge fan.

01:45:58.000 I know some other famous people, but Farrell, that's a big deal.

01:46:08.000 Every time I'm around him, and I've been around him several times, is Dan Aykroyd. 0.99

01:46:13.000 And every time I'm around Dan, I say something completely fucking stupid because I'm just a gigantic... 0.98

01:46:21.000 I mean, I couldn't even tell you how big an Aykroyd fan I am. 1.00

01:46:25.000 He's one of the fucking blues brothers. 0.98

01:46:28.000 Well, he's Dan Aykroyd. 1.00

01:46:30.000 Come on.

01:46:31.000 But that was when I was stopped.

01:46:34.000 We were stopping parties to play this stuff.

01:46:39.000 Stopping parties?

01:46:40.000 Yeah, there would be a party going on Saturday night.

01:46:44.000 They would stop it and turn on Saturday Night Live and watch...

01:46:50.000 Belushi and Ackroyd and Bill Murray.

01:46:54.000 Anyway, it was amazing.

01:46:56.000 But every time I'm around him, I always say something.

01:47:00.000 I know what you mean. 0.98

01:47:02.000 It's just like the most unimpressive I could possibly fucking be. 0.98

01:47:07.000 It's too uncomfortable. 0.98

01:47:09.000 Yeah.

01:47:11.000 I'm a comic.

01:47:12.000 He's like, yeah, you told me that last time. 1.00

01:47:14.000 I'm like, okay, fuck! 1.00

01:47:16.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:47:17.000 Oh, come on, Lord. 1.00

01:47:18.000 Give me something. 0.99

01:47:19.000 There's this fucking interview that they did recently with Jerry Lewis. 0.99

01:47:22.000 It is hilarious. 0.99

01:47:24.000 Have you seen it, Jamie?

01:47:25.000 Apparently, they annoyed the fuck out of him, right?

01:47:27.000 Like, Jerry Lewis is in his 90s.

01:47:30.000 And they were interviewing a bunch of people that are in their 90s that still work.

01:47:34.000 And they interviewed Jerry Lewis.

01:47:36.000 And I guess... 0.99

01:47:37.000 They had annoyed him so bad in bringing in a bunch of assistants and lights and cameras and shit. 0.69

01:47:43.000 So Jerry Lewis gave them one word answers. 0.64

01:47:46.000 Yes.

01:47:47.000 No.

01:47:48.000 It didn't. 1.00

01:47:49.000 So he did this interview with these fucking people. 1.00

01:47:52.000 And the guy starts weirding out. 1.00

01:47:54.000 We'll play a little bit over here.

01:47:56.000 It's on, what is it, Hollywood Reporter?

01:47:58.000 Is that who's doing it?

01:47:59.000 Is it going to come in through my headphones?

01:48:01.000 Yeah, you'll hear it through your headphones. 0.97

01:48:03.000 It's fucking hilarious, man. 0.98

01:48:06.000 Seven painfully awkward minutes with Jerry Lewis. 0.98

01:48:09.000 People who are still working in their 90s.

01:48:11.000 Have you ever thought about retiring?

01:48:13.000 Why?

01:48:16.000 Was there never a moment that you thought it might be time to retire?

01:48:22.000 Why?

01:48:24.000 You come from a generation a little older, and I think of Bob Hope, George Byrne, Sinatra. 1.00

01:48:32.000 Oh, fuck you, they're dead people! 1.00

01:48:35.000 He ain't dead, look! 1.00

01:48:37.000 Do you see similarities with them?

01:48:39.000 None.

01:48:40.000 None?

01:48:41.000 What do you think drives people like you and them to want to keep working?

01:48:48.000 Because we do it well.

01:48:51.000 And how about...

01:48:55.000 What's different about performing now for you than say 20 years ago?

01:49:00.000 How is it different for you?

01:49:02.000 It isn't.

01:49:04.000 Not at all?

01:49:05.000 Not at all.

01:49:06.000 I kind of see his point.

01:49:07.000 I see both of their points.

01:49:08.000 I see nobody's point but Jerry's point. 0.99

01:49:12.000 This guy's asking ridiculously stupid questions to one of the most famous comedians, certainly the best comedic actor, one of the best comedic actors that ever lived. 0.99

01:49:24.000 And he's asking him, why aren't you more like your dead friends? 1.00

01:49:29.000 Oh, well. 0.99

01:49:30.000 Because I'm not fucking dead! 0.98

01:49:34.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:49:36.000 I think.

01:49:37.000 I think with a guy like that, if you're going to have a conversation with him, it's going to have to be in a podcast form.

01:49:44.000 It's going to have to be with someone who really respects him. 0.97

01:49:48.000 Someone who's going to have a conversation at this point in his life, after all the movies and all the stuff that guy's done, he probably doesn't want to deal with any bullshit anymore. 1.00

01:49:59.000 It seems like, to him, it was like, this is stupid. 1.00

01:50:02.000 What the fuck am I doing? 1.00

01:50:03.000 Why am I doing this? 0.99

01:50:04.000 This feels uninspired.

01:50:07.000 You know what I did the other day? 0.99

01:50:09.000 This was the worst fucking decision I ever made. 0.99

01:50:12.000 Not the worst, but a really bad one. 0.99

01:50:15.000 My mom's in town, and we're staying at the Montage because the house got destroyed.

01:50:21.000 And I'm like, Mom, what do you want to do?

01:50:25.000 She goes, Well, I've never been to the La Brea Tar Pits.

01:50:29.000 And I'm like, well, that's kind of like a puddle of mud.

01:50:33.000 Well, I'd like to go on one of those tour buses.

01:50:38.000 And I'm like, alright.

01:50:40.000 Well, I'll take you on one of those tour buses.

01:50:42.000 I'll take you.

01:50:46.000 So, we go on the TMZ bus.

01:50:49.000 Because I saw the TMZ, the big double-decker things, but that's not their bus.

01:50:53.000 They advertise for TMZ on the side of those buses, but their buses are little buses.

01:50:59.000 And they have like big bunch of television screens and they just blast!

01:51:05.000 All this footage of the...

01:51:07.000 I mean, everywhere you go, what happened there, every time Paris Hilton was on their show, you're so... 0.97

01:51:13.000 Real fucking loud. 0.96

01:51:15.000 Really, really, really annoying. 0.98

01:51:17.000 And I was like, Mama.

01:51:20.000 I mean, because we thought we were going to be really passive, you know, like, and that's where Jerry Lewis lived for 45 years, and right there is where there's George Carlin, the house, you know.

01:51:31.000 But no, it was in your face, loud.

01:51:33.000 It was like you were...

01:51:37.000 Forced to watch an episode of TMZ. And somebody tied you to a fucking chair and wouldn't let you go. 1.00

01:51:44.000 And just turned it the fuck up. 1.00

01:51:48.000 That's how fucking annoying it was. 0.99

01:51:50.000 And just horrible, horrible, horrible. 0.98

01:51:52.000 And so at one point in the tour they said, we'll be passing the Montage Hotel.

01:51:57.000 And I'm like, let's get off, Mom.

01:51:59.000 Yeah, let's get out of here.

01:52:01.000 So we scooted off.

01:52:02.000 But it was nightmarish. 0.98

01:52:04.000 And I like those guys at TMZ, and they're friends of mine, but God, would you please fucking turn it down, my mother? 0.98

01:52:11.000 I brought my mother. 0.97

01:52:13.000 I brought my mom.

01:52:15.000 I feel bad for the guy that was asking the questions to Jerry Lewis, too.

01:52:18.000 Because he probably thought he was going to have a nice, friendly conversation with a legend, probably totally intimidated.

01:52:24.000 He's in Jerry Lewis' house, having a conversation with him, and it's going to that one-word answer place.

01:52:31.000 No.

01:52:32.000 Why?

01:52:33.000 When he starts doing that, it's like, you're in verbal combat.

01:52:37.000 But listen to what the questions were.

01:52:39.000 Terrible questions.

01:52:40.000 Terrible questions.

01:52:40.000 The guy's 90 years old.

01:52:41.000 He's talking about, why aren't you more like dead?

01:52:44.000 I agree.

01:52:45.000 How do you answer that question?

01:52:48.000 It was a poorly designed conversation.

01:52:51.000 Horrible!

01:52:51.000 Horribly designed conversation.

01:52:53.000 And it was obviously, that's how Jerry Lewis felt, and you could tell the guy who was asking the question was kind of, you know, he was treading on water, trying to figure out how to get the fuck through this while he's talking to this living legend. 0.97

01:53:05.000 And he didn't figure it out. 0.79

01:53:05.000 No, he didn't. 0.79

01:53:06.000 He didn't figure it out.

01:53:07.000 No, he should have...

01:53:08.000 He probably meant well.

01:53:09.000 Yeah.

01:53:09.000 He probably meant well and just ran into everything.

01:53:13.000 Yeah.

01:53:15.000 Unpreparedness.

01:53:16.000 Unpreparedness, yeah.

01:53:18.000 That's a weird gig, too.

01:53:19.000 The ability to ad-lib and ask questions to some living legend like Jerry Lewis and just not realize while you're doing it that your narrative that you set up in your head is probably disrespectful to him because you're comparing him to all these dead people and why he's still working.

01:53:33.000 You're essentially saying why he's still alive.

01:53:35.000 How do you not catch that?

01:53:36.000 Yeah.

01:53:37.000 How do you not catch that? 1.00

01:53:39.000 It's gotta be fucking... 0.99

01:53:41.000 You know, you almost have to wonder why he decided to do it. 0.99

01:53:45.000 I guess it's just the Hollywood Reporter, right?

01:53:47.000 It's a big deal.

01:53:49.000 Yeah.

01:53:50.000 I don't know.

01:53:51.000 I don't know.

01:53:52.000 I mean, you know, I don't know that maybe...

01:53:54.000 Does he still sell tickets?

01:53:55.000 I don't know that he works.

01:53:56.000 I think he does.

01:53:57.000 I think that's what the guy was talking about.

01:53:58.000 See if Jerry Lewis still has stand-up shows.

01:54:00.000 I think he had just got done. 1.00

01:54:02.000 Fuck, I'd pay. 1.00

01:54:03.000 I'd pay, too. 1.00

01:54:04.000 I'd go see that. 1.00

01:54:05.000 Fuck, yeah. 0.99

01:54:07.000 That's, you know, Bill Burr and I had talked about going to see Bill Cosby before the scandal broke. 1.00

01:54:14.000 Like, and we had talked about going, and either one of us flaked.

01:54:18.000 I don't remember what happened, but Bill wound up going when he was somewhere in California.

01:54:21.000 We were going to make a separate trip to Vegas just to see Bill Cosby. 0.98

01:54:25.000 And Burr said he was fucking amazing. 0.99

01:54:27.000 Said he was fucking amazing. 0.98

01:54:28.000 And then the scandal broke afterwards, and, like, the touring stopped, and, like, it just became a totally different thing. 0.98

01:54:35.000 We have that VIP company.

01:54:38.000 We do other people's VIP stuff besides mine.

01:54:42.000 We do other people's.

01:54:43.000 We had just signed Cosby and that stuff breaks.

01:54:46.000 He would have been the perfect client for it because he's looking for trim anyway after the show, so he's going to want to hang and sell it.

01:54:54.000 It would have been great.

01:54:55.000 It probably would have been our best client.

01:54:58.000 He still sold a lot of tickets after that.

01:55:01.000 Look at this.

01:55:02.000 An Evening with Jerry Lewis.

01:55:03.000 Saturday, November 12, 2016. So, real recent.

01:55:07.000 Yeah, that was the last show I could find listed.

01:55:09.000 Wow, that's a really recent show.

01:55:10.000 Where was it?

01:55:12.000 Where was that?

01:55:12.000 St. Louis International Film Festival.

01:55:15.000 Wow.

01:55:15.000 So that was just probably him talking about...

01:55:17.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:55:18.000 Which still would be fascinating.

01:55:20.000 Yeah, that would be fascinating.

01:55:21.000 But I'm pretty sure he does stand-up.

01:55:23.000 I'm pretty sure Jerry Lewis still does some sort of a stand-up show.

01:55:27.000 I think he had a show that said, like, at the South Point in Vegas.

01:55:30.000 Yeah?

01:55:31.000 But they didn't have any recent shows listed or anything.

01:55:33.000 Oh, when was, like, the last show?

01:55:35.000 There was an article from September, so he might have had some shows at the end of the last year.

01:55:38.000 Pretty recent.

01:55:39.000 But, yeah.

01:55:39.000 So within the last year, he's still working.

01:55:45.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

01:55:46.000 Crazy, yeah.

01:55:47.000 I mean, if you go back and watch like the Nutty Professor, like we were talking about how that influenced Dice, you know, if you go back and watch that and just realize there had been nothing before this, you know, like there was Charlie Chapman and there was a few movies.

01:56:03.000 Chaplin.

01:56:04.000 Chaplin. 1.00

01:56:06.000 Oh my God, I'm an idiot. 1.00

01:56:07.000 Don't listen to me, I'll stop now. 1.00

01:56:09.000 But Three Stooges, you know, there was some fucking great shit. 1.00

01:56:15.000 But, god damn, man. 1.00

01:56:18.000 Those guys were like real pioneers. 0.99

01:56:21.000 How many decades had movie comedy been around back when Jerry Lewis was doing those movies?

01:56:27.000 Well, you know, you can look at...

01:56:30.000 Here's the thing.

01:56:32.000 Some comics...

01:56:35.000 We build bridges and most comics walk across those bridges after they've already been built substantially and it's set in stone.

01:56:43.000 So Lewis, you know, certainly built a bridge that Jim Carrey walked across in ballerina shoes and he knows it.

01:56:53.000 Because that extraordinary comedic talent that comes out of those two people, you're so identifiable.

01:57:05.000 I think that Pat Paulson built a bridge that Stephen Wright walked across.

01:57:11.000 Now, that doesn't mean Stephen didn't do it better, but he didn't invent it.

01:57:17.000 But don't you think all of us are, in essence, in a way, some sort of a group thing?

01:57:25.000 Yeah.

01:57:26.000 Absolutely.

01:57:27.000 Yeah.

01:57:27.000 Absolutely.

01:57:28.000 We're all kind of influenced by each other's standards.

01:57:31.000 And what you appreciate, like as a comic who's been doing it for as many years as you have, you know, I'm just two years after you.

01:57:38.000 It was, when did I start?

01:57:40.000 August 27th, 1988. So that's about two years after you.

01:57:44.000 Yeah.

01:57:46.000 Which means we basically started the same day.

01:57:49.000 Yeah, pretty much.

01:57:50.000 I started literally a week apart from Greg Fitzsimmons.

01:57:54.000 Do you know Greg?

01:57:55.000 Yeah.

01:57:56.000 I don't know him well, but we work together somewhere and he's very funny.

01:58:01.000 He's hilarious.

01:58:02.000 He's a smart dude.

01:58:04.000 I tell you what, I tell people all the time, man, if you like stand-up comedy, go to the comedy store and make a vacation around it and go sit in there because people are going to come in and that room rattles.

01:58:15.000 Rattles.

01:58:16.000 And you better be prepared to do something or you're not going to follow some of these guys.

01:58:24.000 It's really, really strong, and it's fun. 0.96

01:58:27.000 That's what makes it so much fucking fun. 1.00

01:58:29.000 It's a pirate ship filled with murderers. 1.00

01:58:31.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:58:32.000 It really is right now.

01:58:33.000 It's killing everybody.

01:58:36.000 Just slaughter fests. 0.51

01:58:37.000 You're going on after savages.

01:58:39.000 It's just like, oh, Jesus Christ.

01:58:41.000 But everybody's riding the wave of everybody else, and it's an unbelievably supportive place.

01:58:46.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:58:46.000 If you stop and think about how much camaraderie and friendship there is between the comedians, you would think if you get all these national comedians that tour all over the place, you put them together, oh, well, ego battles, it's going to be weird.

01:58:57.000 It's the total opposite.

01:58:58.000 That place is a love fest.

01:59:00.000 Everybody's hugging everybody and high-fiving and having drinks. 1.00

01:59:04.000 I go on, I do my time, but I try to hit them as hard as I can, right in the fucking mouth. 1.00

01:59:15.000 Because that's what I like to do, is hit them right in the fucking mouth. 1.00

01:59:19.000 And I guarantee you, somebody just got through hitting them in the mouth, so they're still wiping blood off their face when it's my turn to hit them in the mouth, but I'll hit them in the mouth anyway. 1.00

01:59:30.000 But the crowds that you get a hold of are so alive. 0.72

01:59:35.000 I mean, there's life. 1.00

01:59:37.000 It's like a swordfish on the end of a fucking line. 0.99

01:59:40.000 It just vibrates, you know? 1.00

01:59:42.000 Joey Diaz was slaughtering so hard the other night in the OR that I felt like I was having a religious experience.

01:59:50.000 I was in the back room of the OR, and Joey Diaz was slaughtering.

01:59:54.000 His face was beet red.

01:59:56.000 He was screaming out.

01:59:58.000 And I was running out of air.

02:00:01.000 I was laughing so hard.

02:00:02.000 And I remember thinking, like, this is a special time.

02:00:06.000 This is a special place. 0.88

02:00:08.000 This is a rare, rare little jewel in the universe of all the different performing arts at this one place that just sort of fucking cranked down the focus. 0.93

02:00:18.000 Yeah.

02:00:19.000 I mean, the other night, Chappelle...

02:00:20.000 Would Chris Rock bring up Chappelle?

02:00:23.000 Or Chappelle brought up Chris Rock?

02:00:24.000 Rock brought up Chappelle.

02:00:25.000 How?

02:00:25.000 What?

02:00:26.000 Neither one of them were even on the schedule.

02:00:28.000 Chris Rock pops in and brings up Dave Chappelle.

02:00:32.000 That's why I tell people, come to the comedy store.

02:00:34.000 You don't know what you're going to see for your $15.

02:00:37.000 Crazy spot, dude.

02:00:38.000 But you're not going to see...

02:00:39.000 If you were going to pay those guys to put a show on for you that you just saw tonight, it's $17,000 a ticket.

02:00:45.000 Or whatever it is.

02:00:47.000 It's expensive.

02:00:48.000 It's also a really honestly critical place, too. 0.61

02:00:52.000 If your new stuff sucks, they'll let you know. 0.56

02:00:55.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

02:00:56.000 I don't laugh at anything.

02:00:58.000 When I first started here, I really had a great little burst of material that I really like, and it's all the front end of my show now, and it's about 20 minutes long that I want from the front end of the show.

02:01:12.000 That's what I'm doing now on the front end of my live show.

02:01:16.000 And so it's... 0.98

02:01:19.000 But now, you know, it seems like I'm just playing around with the order of that stuff to see where it works the best and just how to just fucking really slap them in the face with it.

02:01:30.000 Because eventually, over time, your act will get into a place where it does drift into the spot it needs to be in.

02:01:38.000 But I don't have that kind of time, so I need to look at it. 0.99

02:01:41.000 And do it different ways and see where it needs to be to just slap the fuck out of them. 0.99

02:01:48.000 Which is my only goal is to slap the fuck out of them. 0.99

02:01:53.000 And when I can't do that anymore, I'll keep doing it for a couple more years. 1.00

02:01:59.000 You slap the fuck out of them. 1.00

02:02:00.000 I enjoy watching you slap the fuck out of them. 1.00

02:02:03.000 I enjoy watching you slap the fuck out of them. 1.00

02:02:06.000 I feel inspired. 0.99

02:02:08.000 You're going to just waltz on behind Rogan.

02:02:11.000 You know how big a fan I am of yours.

02:02:16.000 I know exactly who you are.

02:02:18.000 Not exactly who you are, not as much as I do now.

02:02:22.000 But I saw you do stand-up in Atlanta one time as a feature act a long time ago. 0.82

02:02:29.000 And you just really fucking tore this crowd up.

02:02:31.000 And I was like, ah, this guy's really good. 0.93

02:02:34.000 And so then, you know, I don't, unlike you, I don't hang out there and watch comics, you know, but sometimes you're right in front of me or right after me, and I just got, you know, just huge respect.

02:02:48.000 I mean, it's so much fun to watch.

02:02:50.000 You do physical things I couldn't even do, much less get the words out while you're doing them, you know.

02:02:55.000 But it's just great writing, and, you know, that's cool.

02:03:00.000 That's cool.

02:03:01.000 Well, thanks, man.

02:03:02.000 I feel the same way about you, and I would say that whether or not you just said something nice to me.

02:03:06.000 But, you know, I'm honored to be friends with you. 0.94

02:03:09.000 Like, no bullshit. 0.75

02:03:10.000 As a comic, to me, that's an honor, you know? 0.97

02:03:15.000 Well, since I'm now one of the godfathers...

02:03:18.000 You're the godfather.

02:03:20.000 If you wanted to run for president of the Comedy Store, you just got here and you'd win. 1.00

02:03:26.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

02:03:27.000 Right? 1.00

02:03:29.000 I'd be disrespectful if I went up against you.

02:03:31.000 I'll be your vice president.

02:03:32.000 No, you'd win.

02:03:33.000 You'd win.

02:03:34.000 Oh, no, no.

02:03:35.000 You're the statesman.

02:03:36.000 You're the statesman.

02:03:37.000 Clearly the voice of reason.

02:03:38.000 Actually, whenever Jay McGraw first met you, he was asking me, he goes, do you know Joe Rogan?

02:03:44.000 I go, yeah.

02:03:45.000 He goes, what do you think about him?

02:03:46.000 I'm like, he's a great guy.

02:03:47.000 He's a great comedian.

02:03:48.000 That's what people don't know.

02:03:49.000 I mean, a lot of people don't know.

02:03:51.000 A lot of people do know, but a lot of people don't know that he's a great comedian.

02:03:55.000 Not a good comedian, a great comedian.

02:03:57.000 That's very nice.

02:03:57.000 I think people know enough.

02:03:59.000 They don't need to know anymore.

02:04:00.000 I'm a good...

02:04:02.000 No, you're a great comedian.

02:04:04.000 That's not what I meant.

02:04:04.000 I mean, I'm good with no one.

02:04:06.000 Okay, all right.

02:04:07.000 Well, I'm just saying.

02:04:08.000 That's fine.

02:04:09.000 But anyway, that's just what I told him.

02:04:11.000 I appreciate that.

02:04:13.000 And he said, but he doesn't talk much.

02:04:15.000 I'm like, huh.

02:04:18.000 It's like you guys were learning how to be boyfriends.

02:04:22.000 I don't make small talk, but I talk to people.

02:04:27.000 That's what I told him.

02:04:28.000 I said, you know what?

02:04:29.000 You're going to love this guy.

02:04:31.000 He's solid.

02:04:32.000 He's got a big heart.

02:04:35.000 He's what we're looking for for friends.

02:04:38.000 That's very nice.

02:04:39.000 This is a love fest.

02:04:41.000 This podcast is a big old love fest, Ron White. 0.99

02:04:44.000 Now Joe and I are Fucking FaceTiming Jay. 1.00

02:04:48.000 It's the gayest fucking three-way in the fucking world. 1.00

02:04:51.000 If we don't end up beating each other off before Christmas, I'll be shocked. 1.00

02:04:55.000 FaceTiming is another level of commitment other than texting with friends.

02:04:59.000 If you start FaceTiming friends, like, whoa.

02:05:01.000 Right.

02:05:01.000 All right, buddy.

02:05:02.000 Who's got the body they need to bury?

02:05:04.000 You're setting me up.

02:05:05.000 I won't even do that with my wife because I don't want to prove where I'm at.

02:05:08.000 You know, I don't want to.

02:05:09.000 Oh, really?

02:05:10.000 To turn around and show me the interest.

02:05:12.000 Get an Android phone.

02:05:13.000 They can't communicate with each other.

02:05:15.000 That's the move.

02:05:16.000 Get yourself an Android phone and just start Skyping from the other side of the universe.

02:05:20.000 I don't do anything wrong.

02:05:21.000 I wonder if there's some sort of a setting that you can have on...

02:05:24.000 You know that they have those goggles? 0.99

02:05:26.000 Have you seen these goddamn things now? 0.99

02:05:28.000 I've never looked through them. 0.99

02:05:30.000 What are they called again, Jamie?

02:05:31.000 Snapchat goggles, right?

02:05:33.000 Oh, I know. 1.00

02:05:33.000 So these people have these goggles where they can stream video from their fucking eyeglasses. 1.00

02:05:40.000 Anywhere they want, wherever they are. 0.99

02:05:42.000 They can stream video from eyeglasses.

02:05:44.000 To pick up where?

02:05:46.000 I could show you.

02:05:47.000 I could show what I'm seeing.

02:05:49.000 I could look over and see Jamie.

02:05:50.000 Show it to me.

02:05:51.000 How do I see it, though?

02:05:52.000 Through my phone?

02:05:53.000 People could watch it online.

02:05:54.000 They could check it out online.

02:05:56.000 This is crazy. 0.97

02:05:58.000 We're experiencing some next-level technological innovation shit that's happening. 0.97

02:06:04.000 Some new, even more invasive... 0.98

02:06:09.000 Internet sort of thing.

02:06:10.000 This is the next level.

02:06:12.000 The next level is you can literally show the whole world what you see.

02:06:16.000 So is this...

02:06:17.000 I mean, because I do Periscope when I'm really drunk on the bus.

02:06:21.000 Essentially a lot like that, but you don't have to hold on to it.

02:06:23.000 It's on your glasses.

02:06:26.000 So it's similar, and there's a live streaming idea.

02:06:29.000 There's like 30 second clips at a time, too.

02:06:30.000 That's all the shows?

02:06:32.000 Yeah, but I stay on...

02:06:34.000 You know, it's a blast.

02:06:36.000 We had this thing, because I got a friend that does my VIP stuff on the bus, and he was also at that first show that I did.

02:06:44.000 Wow. 0.99

02:06:45.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:06:46.000 And so, his name's Dave, and when we're going down the road, we're like this. 0.99

02:06:52.000 We get just baked.

02:06:54.000 You know, after the show, we travel at night, and we'll do these broadcasts, and the Big Gay Dave and Ron show, which has no content or anything.

02:07:07.000 But you know what?

02:07:08.000 I don't know that it's growing that much, Periscope.

02:07:13.000 And it's the most amazing thing that you can do a live broadcast and you can pick it up in Cairo as easy as you can pick it up in Lubbock.

02:07:20.000 I think it's pretty popular.

02:07:22.000 Isn't it pretty popular?

02:07:22.000 Is it popular?

02:07:23.000 Periscope?

02:07:23.000 I know Scott Adams.

02:07:24.000 Scott Adams had a very popular Periscope.

02:07:27.000 Twitter owns it.

02:07:28.000 They just made it.

02:07:29.000 It's built right in now to Twitter's app.

02:07:31.000 So if you hit Twitter and instead of putting up a message, there's a button that says live video and it's Periscope.

02:07:37.000 It will just open right up.

02:07:38.000 Oh, wow.

02:07:38.000 So they're trying to just figure out how to make it more available for people to be.

02:07:42.000 Whew! 0.99

02:07:43.000 And do they have a limitation on how long the clips are?

02:07:45.000 I don't believe so in there.

02:07:46.000 You can go 12 over an hour.

02:07:47.000 Yeah, right.

02:07:48.000 You can do whatever you want.

02:07:49.000 That is so crazy.

02:07:50.000 That kind of interactivity that has never existed before.

02:07:55.000 There's never existed anything.

02:07:57.000 Like, Scott Adams, like, he was doing coffee with Scott Adams, like, several times a week, right?

02:08:03.000 Wasn't he?

02:08:04.000 Yeah.

02:08:07.000 I just made that up.

02:08:08.000 I have no idea how many times he did it.

02:08:10.000 I could tell.

02:08:10.000 I know he did a bunch of them.

02:08:12.000 Seven.

02:08:12.000 How many times did he do it?

02:08:13.000 I might have just made that up.

02:08:14.000 Just the easy access to turning it on.

02:08:15.000 It's on now.

02:08:16.000 People know it's on now, where you are.

02:08:18.000 Yeah, and you just turn it on and they get a notification.

02:08:21.000 Ron White.

02:08:21.000 You're right.

02:08:21.000 They do that on Periscope.

02:08:22.000 You should have one on Periscope that says Ron White is drunk and he wants to talk.

02:08:26.000 I've got 25,000 followers on Periscope. 0.99

02:08:29.000 Damn. 0.98

02:08:30.000 I don't know if that's true or not. 0.99

02:08:31.000 I made that up.

02:08:32.000 You might get them after the end of this podcast.

02:08:34.000 We'll just tell you you have them, and everybody jump on.

02:08:38.000 Follow away.

02:08:40.000 We don't have a goodness signal, aren't we?

02:08:41.000 I was doing it for a while, but I got bored with the Periscope thing.

02:08:45.000 I'm like, Jesus Christ, am I exposed enough?

02:08:47.000 Instagram Live just started up.

02:08:48.000 I know.

02:08:49.000 They've been pushing that around.

02:08:50.000 I saw.

02:08:50.000 That's a little limited to an hour, and those videos don't last after.

02:08:54.000 Oh, that's weird.

02:08:55.000 They just disappear.

02:08:56.000 Oh, that's weird.

02:08:57.000 That's too bad.

02:08:58.000 That's kind of too bad.

02:08:59.000 In some cases. 0.99

02:09:00.000 But I would guess that the amount of fucking data that they would have to stockpile if everybody's shit saved. 1.00

02:09:06.000 Every fucking dummy out there saved the video of them flexing on the beach. 1.00

02:09:11.000 You know? 1.00

02:09:12.000 All the fucking stupid videos of some guy telling a shitty joke at a bar. 1.00

02:09:18.000 All those things just gigabyte after gigabyte after gigabyte stored on the Twitter server. 1.00

02:09:23.000 They'd be like, fuck you. 1.00

02:09:26.000 That's what happened to... 1.00

02:09:27.000 The TMZ bus ride.

02:09:29.000 Yeah, that's the problem with the future is that everybody's gonna know everything everybody does all the time.

02:09:35.000 There's kind of not gonna be as much craziness going on in the next hundred years.

02:09:40.000 In the future, I think everybody's gonna know.

02:09:42.000 I think we're about 50 years away from us becoming some crazy hive mind.

02:09:49.000 That's what I think.

02:09:50.000 I'm stoned and drunk.

02:09:51.000 How long do you think I'm gonna live? 0.99

02:09:53.000 But I'm making some fucking points. 0.99

02:09:54.000 You can live. 1.00

02:09:55.000 You gotta just eat what I'm eating.

02:09:56.000 You gotta come to yoga class with me.

02:09:58.000 You gotta eat healthy.

02:09:59.000 You live out in the country.

02:10:03.000 I'll send somebody to you.

02:10:05.000 You're a wealthy man.

02:10:07.000 This is all we have to do.

02:10:08.000 Hey, you know what?

02:10:08.000 I've been working with my yoga girl, and it's pretty basic stuff, but I'm working on it a couple days a week.

02:10:18.000 Basic stuff's all you need, man.

02:10:19.000 Basic stuff's all you need.

02:10:20.000 If you could work your way up to do a hot yoga class. 1.00

02:10:23.000 No, fuck. 1.00

02:10:23.000 You know, my wife took me to one of those. 1.00

02:10:25.000 It was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. 1.00

02:10:27.000 It's my favorite shit. 1.00

02:10:29.000 I walked out. 1.00

02:10:29.000 That's my suffer fest. 1.00

02:10:32.000 How often do you do it?

02:10:33.000 I'd never do it more than twice a week.

02:10:36.000 But I really should.

02:10:37.000 I'd practice some of it at home. 0.99

02:10:39.000 Like, I'd do some shit at home. 0.99

02:10:40.000 You have really hot room. 1.00

02:10:41.000 No, no, no, no, no. 0.99

02:10:42.000 When I do it at home, I'm just working on, like, basic exercises, stretching shit. 0.86

02:10:46.000 But never more, like, in class form than twice a week. 0.55

02:10:49.000 But when I have done it twice a week, I feel better than when I did it once a week.

02:10:53.000 Yeah.

02:10:54.000 But I always do a little bit.

02:10:56.000 Margot's done it for 25 years, and Margot is strong.

02:11:00.000 I mean, she's strong.

02:11:01.000 She had handstands, but, you know, she's big-time upper body strong. 1.00

02:11:07.000 Do you think she could choke you? 1.00

02:11:08.000 Could she get your back? 0.67

02:11:09.000 If you look at her in the dark, kind of, from behind, if she's...

02:11:16.000 Flexing her muscles.

02:11:17.000 She looks kind of like Floyd Mayweather.

02:11:19.000 Whoa.

02:11:20.000 I mean, just a...

02:11:21.000 That's not fun.

02:11:22.000 I'm kidding.

02:11:23.000 She's scary.

02:11:24.000 No, she doesn't look a thing like Floyd Mayweather.

02:11:27.000 But she's just ripped. 1.00

02:11:28.000 She got ripped back, and she's really, really, really strong.

02:11:31.000 But she's always done that, so I got to do something, man. 0.98

02:11:36.000 I can't be fucking going into my 70s without being fucking more fit. 0.96

02:11:39.000 We just got to get you on a nutrient-dense diet. 0.99

02:11:43.000 Drop a little body fat. 1.00

02:11:44.000 Yeah, what'd you bring to the fucking party? 1.00

02:11:46.000 A bottle of fucking whiskey. 1.00

02:11:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:48.000 And a joint. 1.00

02:11:49.000 But I'm going to have that, too.

02:11:50.000 You know what I had for breakfast?

02:11:51.000 I had a kale shake with MCT oil and beets.

02:11:56.000 Raw Beats?

02:11:56.000 Then I went to yoga?

02:11:57.000 You know, we have that new This new juice presser thing at the house. 1.00

02:12:04.000 Oh, those are the shit. 0.99

02:12:05.000 Yeah, we just got hooked up with it. 1.00

02:12:07.000 Oh man, if you can just get used to drinking juice, just fresh squeezed vegetable juice, if you can just get used to doing that just a few times a day, it'll drastically improve your life.

02:12:17.000 There's so much nutrients and plants that we need and we fucking escape them for days. 0.98

02:12:22.000 We just eat mashed potatoes and meat and shit for days. 0.99

02:12:25.000 I don't have any energy for a workout. 0.99

02:12:27.000 You know, I just don't.

02:12:28.000 I get there.

02:12:29.000 I'm tired.

02:12:30.000 I don't want to go.

02:12:31.000 I dread it going in.

02:12:33.000 I dread it when I get there.

02:12:35.000 I dread putting on my shoes.

02:12:37.000 I do.

02:12:37.000 And I don't know why some people are as lazy as I am.

02:12:40.000 And I know that's what it is.

02:12:42.000 And I used to be a runner.

02:12:43.000 I used to run five miles a day.

02:12:46.000 I would run like crazy, and I hurt my knee really bad.

02:12:48.000 But I just don't like to go to the gym.

02:12:50.000 I hate it.

02:12:51.000 But...

02:12:53.000 I know I have to.

02:12:54.000 I know I have to because my friends are all dying and I'm going to be 70 in 10 years.

02:12:59.000 And so I've got to...

02:13:01.000 And I know yoga is the thing because this guy that...

02:13:05.000 This Dave, Big Gay Dave... 1.00

02:13:07.000 He's a golfer, a buddy of mine, but he's also a yoga for forever.

02:13:11.000 Well, bless you, Big Gay Dave.

02:13:12.000 Bless you.

02:13:13.000 Take him where he needs to go.

02:13:16.000 Yeah, man.

02:13:17.000 Yoga, the best thing about it, too, is it will get your heart rate up.

02:13:21.000 It will be very difficult, but it's going to straighten your body out.

02:13:25.000 It's going to stretch you out.

02:13:27.000 It's going to straighten you out.

02:13:28.000 It's going to calm you down.

02:13:29.000 You're not trying to be a power lifter. 0.94

02:13:31.000 You don't want to do anything ridiculous.

02:13:32.000 You don't want to do anything that hurt your back. 0.95

02:13:34.000 What you want to do is something that's going to make you feel better. 1.00

02:13:37.000 Well, that's, you know, I had this new trainer, and I told the guy, I said, listen, man, I'm a pussy. 1.00

02:13:45.000 Your phone's going off. 1.00

02:13:46.000 Don't.

02:13:48.000 Oh, that's my wife. 1.00

02:13:49.000 You want to talk to me?

02:13:50.000 No, but play the music that rings when your phone, put it up there.

02:13:55.000 Ha, ha, [...

02:14:00.000 Powerful Ron White.

02:14:04.000 You know, he's a buddy of mine, Brian Johnson.

02:14:10.000 Really? 0.98

02:14:11.000 His hearing apparently is all fucked up from all his crazy concerts all those years. 0.90

02:14:16.000 Well, it's kind of an interesting thing because we're talking about the holiday evolution of anything. 0.75

02:14:25.000 But there was a guy in Australia who invented the in-ear monitors, which destroyed his hearing to begin with.

02:14:34.000 So he dedicated his life to finding a way to fix that.

02:14:39.000 And so he did.

02:14:40.000 But the problem is, and it does, I mean, if you watch tape of people putting these things on, people that are almost completely deaf, putting this system in their ears, every one of them starts crying.

02:14:51.000 Wow.

02:14:52.000 Every one of them.

02:14:53.000 And so he had an open letter to Brian Johnson and said, Brian, I want to come to your house in Sarasota.

02:14:58.000 I want you to put these in your ears.

02:15:00.000 But the problem is, it's not portable.

02:15:03.000 It's portable in that it's this big.

02:15:06.000 You're making like a laptop size.

02:15:09.000 Yeah, it's thicker than that.

02:15:11.000 Like a large hoagie.

02:15:12.000 Yeah, right.

02:15:16.000 But the technology's there.

02:15:18.000 I mean, it's amazing.

02:15:19.000 And he hates hearing aids, and he's a curmudgeon.

02:15:25.000 He's the sweetest guy I know.

02:15:27.000 He's a wonderful, wonderful human being.

02:15:29.000 But you know what was cool about it, man?

02:15:31.000 When Axl Rose started...

02:15:33.000 I was like, should I accept this?

02:15:36.000 No.

02:15:36.000 Should you accept Axl Rose singing ACDC? No.

02:15:39.000 I accepted it 100%. 0.97

02:15:41.000 Because I thought, look, it might not be Brian Johnson, but it's still Axl fucking Rose. 0.95

02:15:46.000 Right. 0.84

02:15:47.000 And it's kind of interesting.

02:15:49.000 Brian couldn't do it anymore.

02:15:51.000 Axl steps in.

02:15:52.000 I like it.

02:15:54.000 I like it.

02:15:54.000 I'm happy with that.

02:15:55.000 That's a freak show, but in an awesome way.

02:15:59.000 It's like, how often are you going to see this? 0.93

02:16:00.000 How often are you going to see Axl Rose singing as a lead singer for AC fucking DC? Like, wow. 0.96

02:16:06.000 Well, their ticket sales dropped by 70%. 0.99

02:16:10.000 That's a bunch of pussies in America that don't respect Guns N' Roses! 1.00

02:16:15.000 Well, that's true. 1.00

02:16:17.000 They don't.

02:16:18.000 But the thing is, that's Brian Johnson's voice.

02:16:22.000 Oh yeah, I agree.

02:16:23.000 Back in Black was the second biggest selling album of all time, behind Thriller, and 52 million copies. 0.97

02:16:29.000 That's Brian Johnson, not fucking Axl Rose. 0.95

02:16:32.000 I 100% agree. 0.99

02:16:33.000 Still a freak show vocalist.

02:16:35.000 And at some point, you know, his brother Malcolm...

02:16:38.000 Malcolm was the better guitar player anyway.

02:16:41.000 Better than Angus.

02:16:42.000 And Angus knew it. 1.00

02:16:43.000 Everybody fucking knew it. 0.99

02:16:44.000 Strong words. 0.99

02:16:45.000 Yeah, but he was the engine behind that really complicated...

02:16:48.000 It doesn't sound complicated. 0.99

02:16:49.000 Really fucking complicated rock and roll. 0.99

02:16:52.000 And that's why it was so engaging for the whole fucking planet. 0.99

02:16:56.000 But it was Brian Johnson's voice, not Bon Scott's. 0.97

02:17:01.000 You know, he was their lead singer for five years. 0.97

02:17:04.000 But Von Scott had some great fucking songs too, right? 0.99

02:17:06.000 He did. 0.99

02:17:07.000 He did.

02:17:08.000 Who were the big hits under Von Scott?

02:17:10.000 Yeah, I don't know. 0.99

02:17:11.000 God damn it. 0.98

02:17:12.000 Because I've only heard Brian sing them. 0.99

02:17:15.000 But Back in Black, which was the second biggest selling album of all time, was all Brian Johnson.

02:17:22.000 Yeah, no doubt about it. 0.95

02:17:23.000 I'm not saying he wasn't fucking incredible. 0.97

02:17:25.000 And you know what? 0.97

02:17:26.000 And I'm wrong, as I usually am.

02:17:29.000 Because why not?

02:17:30.000 And Angus still loves to play it, and why not?

02:17:34.000 It got ugly a little bit.

02:17:36.000 Well, that's not my place to talk about that. 0.99

02:17:38.000 Oh, there was some political shit? 0.99

02:17:41.000 Well, whatever. 0.99

02:17:43.000 And I also heard some reviews that he did a really good job.

02:17:48.000 Who sings these, Jamie?

02:17:50.000 These are Bon Scott songs.

02:17:51.000 Which ones?

02:17:52.000 Dirty Deeds? 0.96

02:17:52.000 Highway to Hell. 0.96

02:17:53.000 Oh my god!

02:17:54.000 Highway to Hell?!

02:17:55.000 Dirty Deeds.

02:17:56.000 Oh my God, the best ones.

02:17:57.000 Go back up to Dirty Ds.

02:17:59.000 That's Brian Johnson right there.

02:18:01.000 Right.

02:18:02.000 It is.

02:18:02.000 If you want to hear somebody sing it.

02:18:04.000 Well, he was fucking amazing. 0.98

02:18:05.000 Look, they were both amazing. 0.99

02:18:07.000 I'm not, like, picking sides.

02:18:09.000 But what if Brian Johnson just came out to the shows?

02:18:12.000 I mean, he can't...

02:18:13.000 He can't do it anymore.

02:18:14.000 Why would you do that?

02:18:15.000 Just because it would be cool to see him there.

02:18:19.000 Oh, man.

02:18:20.000 I don't know.

02:18:21.000 He's not wheeling him out.

02:18:23.000 He just can't.

02:18:24.000 Could he not hear that sound anymore?

02:18:26.000 He still races cars. 0.99

02:18:28.000 I mean, he's got a fucking car team that he races these Lolas, these guys that were in Pan Am races. 0.99

02:18:36.000 These cars are running 200 miles an hour. 0.99

02:18:38.000 He races them now.

02:18:38.000 Oh, wow.

02:18:39.000 And he travels the country.

02:18:41.000 He's got a new car show coming out that I'm going to be part of. 0.99

02:18:44.000 No shit. 0.99

02:18:45.000 He insisted on. 1.00

02:18:46.000 I mean, I think we're going to film my part in like a couple of days for the whole season.

02:18:50.000 But can they in any way restore his hearing to the point where he could start singing again?

02:18:55.000 Yes.

02:18:55.000 And he would.

02:18:56.000 And he would.

02:18:57.000 Dude, I felt like, you know, when he stepped out, I was like, this is a weird moment in our love of these epic rock stars.

02:19:07.000 Right.

02:19:10.000 Well, you know what?

02:19:11.000 The thing is, I went to see Chicago the other day with my son, and it was great. 0.99

02:19:16.000 It was fucking great. 0.98

02:19:17.000 There's three guys. 0.99

02:19:20.000 One of the singers, the one that wasn't as good, he was replaced by this Irish tenor that could just hit every single one of those notes, and it was great.

02:19:31.000 I was with my son.

02:19:32.000 We were partying.

02:19:33.000 So the only reason is it's kind of personal to me because he's a friend.

02:19:37.000 And so I know what he was going through that year, and also the death of his best friend, and then the loss of his hearing, and then the loss of his band.

02:19:46.000 And there were only a few dates left, but that's not the way he wanted to go out. 0.91

02:19:52.000 But he's Brian fucking Johnson. 1.00

02:19:53.000 He's the shit. 1.00

02:19:55.000 He's literally a treasure of a fucking guy. 1.00

02:19:58.000 He's right up there with Charlie Chapman. 1.00

02:20:00.000 Charlie Chapman, Brian Johnson.

02:20:04.000 Yeah, I mean, there's no doubt about it, man. 0.99

02:20:06.000 I mean, he's a fucking epic vocalist. 0.98

02:20:08.000 Epic, you know? 1.00

02:20:09.000 His fucking impact and his intensity got me through many a workout when I was a struggling adolescent. 0.99

02:20:15.000 It's still on my bum. 1.00

02:20:16.000 Fuck yeah, man. 0.99

02:20:18.000 I mean, that's one of the all-time hardest-hitting bands ever. 1.00

02:20:23.000 You could pull up footage, I guess you can, of Margot and Brian on stage in Jacksonville, Florida in a little club. 0.99

02:20:32.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:20:33.000 Wow. 1.00

02:20:34.000 Put Brian Johnson and Margot Ray and see if that comes up.

02:20:37.000 That's awesome. 0.99

02:20:38.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:20:39.000 Oh, good lord. 0.99

02:20:40.000 It was Margot's show, and towards the end of it, Brian was there, and I was like, you know, her band always shook me all night long.

02:20:49.000 They've been working out all week.

02:20:50.000 Do you want to go sing it?

02:20:51.000 He goes, well, I don't know if I can sing.

02:20:53.000 I have a full run.

02:20:54.000 I haven't sung it in years.

02:20:56.000 I have a full run.

02:21:00.000 Oh, there it is, right there.

02:21:02.000 That's my wife, Marco.

02:21:03.000 This is crazy.

02:21:13.000 This is so crazy.

02:21:28.000 When was this?

02:21:31.000 It's 2014. Three or four years.

02:21:32.000 Oh, it was it?

02:21:33.000 Two or three years ago.

02:21:34.000 Yeah.

02:21:35.000 Wow.

02:21:40.000 This is pretty cool.

02:21:42.000 She goes, okay, a friend of mine is going to come up and sing a song from ACDC, Brian Johnson.

02:21:53.000 And how many people are in this room?

02:21:55.000 175. That is insane!

02:21:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:21:57.000 Oh my god, that must have been the most epic shit ever. 1.00

02:22:01.000 Yep. 1.00

02:22:02.000 To be in that room. 1.00

02:22:05.000 Goddamn, man. 0.99

02:22:07.000 I saw Gary Clark Jr. in Honey Honey play in front of like 300 people. 0.99

02:22:15.000 Do you know Gary Clark Jr.?

02:22:16.000 He was in an episode of Roadies. 0.98

02:22:18.000 Goddamn, that dude's good. 1.00

02:22:19.000 I know, I know, he's sick. 1.00

02:22:21.000 Holy shit, him and Honey Honey, they played this midnight show in downtown L.A., You know what, that's the thing. 0.99

02:22:29.000 You've been waiting for your Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan. 0.99

02:22:32.000 Where's that guy coming from?

02:22:33.000 That's who it is.

02:22:34.000 It's Gary Clark.

02:22:35.000 Dude, that guy's...

02:22:36.000 He's got something crazy going on.

02:22:40.000 The way he...

02:22:41.000 He's got such a specific guitar sound.

02:22:44.000 Like, he did this riff, and while he was doing this, they...

02:22:50.000 They did a cover of the Midnight Rider.

02:22:53.000 They decided on the spot.

02:22:55.000 So Suzanne from Honey Honey didn't even know the words to the song. 0.95

02:22:59.000 So she got on her phone and downloaded the words.

02:23:02.000 So she had the words on her phone.

02:23:03.000 She's reading it off the phone. 0.99

02:23:04.000 And people got mad because they're like, this bitch keeps checking her phone while she's taking notes. 1.00

02:23:08.000 She's literally, she joked around about it. 0.99

02:23:10.000 She doesn't know the words to the song.

02:23:12.000 Because although she's a fan, She hasn't sung in years.

02:23:15.000 She doesn't know it.

02:23:15.000 She's probably never sang it live.

02:23:17.000 So she, live, for the first time ever, improvising on the spot, sings her version, unprepared, of Midnight Rider, while Gary motherfucking Clark Jr. Plays all the Dickie Betts parts. 0.92

02:23:29.000 Look at this shit. 1.00

02:23:30.000 Listen to this. 1.00

02:23:34.000 I recorded this from the front row.

02:23:40.000 Oh my God.

02:23:42.000 Dude.

02:23:46.000 I recommend getting out there and doing the Joe Rogan podcast. 0.99

02:23:50.000 Get fucked up and listen to some music. 1.00

02:23:53.000 This dude is an alien. 1.00

02:24:13.000 I feel real comfortable in saying that's the most intriguing guitarist since Hendrix.

02:24:18.000 I feel real comfortable saying that.

02:24:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:24:24.000 That's a bad motherfucker! 1.00

02:24:27.000 And to see that live in like a couple, maybe 300 people at the most in that place. 1.00

02:24:32.000 He sat down and played, you know, he came out whenever my character died.

02:24:35.000 He was one of the guys that came to the funeral and sang, and the character, I don't know, wrote, nobody watched it, so...

02:24:42.000 You were so psyched about that, man, before it came out.

02:24:46.000 I was.

02:24:47.000 I was, and it was, you know what, it was good.

02:24:49.000 It was really good.

02:24:51.000 I thought it was wonderful. 0.98

02:24:53.000 And it was, the problem was, it was, you know, a lot of people have a fucking heart on for Cameron Crowe for some reason. 0.96

02:25:01.000 Really? 0.97

02:25:01.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:25:02.000 They don't like him?

02:25:04.000 You know, they jumped on the show's back so hard, so fast.

02:25:08.000 You mean the critics did?

02:25:09.000 Yeah.

02:25:10.000 So it's a bad relationship with the critics, perhaps? 1.00

02:25:12.000 Yeah, the first word out of their mouths was just this fucking, it's the worst piece of shit. 1.00

02:25:16.000 I'm like, what? 1.00

02:25:18.000 The one, I love it.

02:25:20.000 I think it's, you know, Cameron always has a sweetness to his shows.

02:25:24.000 I mean, his movies always have a sweet edge to them.

02:25:27.000 You know, no matter what it is, whether it's, you know, Fast Times at Ridgemont High or, but the whole line of movies, Jerry Maguire, uh, uh, Almost Famous.

02:25:40.000 You know, they all had...

02:25:41.000 Those two, Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Almost Famous.

02:25:45.000 Right.

02:25:45.000 Those are epic movies, right?

02:25:47.000 Yeah.

02:25:47.000 Oh, yeah.

02:25:48.000 Absolutely.

02:25:49.000 And Jerry Maguire won best...

02:25:51.000 Somebody won something for something in Jerry Maguire.

02:25:54.000 Show me the money!

02:25:56.000 Cuba Goodies.

02:25:57.000 Cuba Goodies.

02:25:58.000 Cuba Goodies.

02:25:59.000 Yeah.

02:26:00.000 Yeah.

02:26:00.000 And so, anyway, the...

02:26:04.000 I forget what we're talking about.

02:26:05.000 Tom Cruise.

02:26:06.000 No.

02:26:07.000 No?

02:26:07.000 No.

02:26:08.000 Oh, yeah, the movie.

02:26:10.000 They just jumped on it.

02:26:12.000 They just jumped on it. 1.00

02:26:13.000 They were shitty. 1.00

02:26:14.000 Of course. 1.00

02:26:15.000 Because they could, and they're cunts, and whoever that bitch is that reviews for Variety magazine, one day she's going to feel a turd in her throat. 1.00

02:26:27.000 Whose turd will it be? 1.00

02:26:29.000 It'll be my turd. 1.00

02:26:30.000 Oh, you're going to shit right in her mouth? 1.00

02:26:31.000 I'm going to shit in her mouth. 1.00

02:26:32.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

02:26:34.000 These are strong words.

02:26:35.000 Oh, they're horrible words.

02:26:38.000 Yeah.

02:26:38.000 Okay, maybe I'll just flick some ink on her dress.

02:26:41.000 I think it's going to be way easier if you...

02:26:45.000 I think about the kind of grudges that someone can have with someone like him, like Cameron Crowe.

02:26:53.000 It's going to be way easier to avoid that stuff if you're being reviewed by everybody.

02:26:58.000 Instead of just being reviewed by a bunch of selected outlets like the Washington Post, the New York Times, the Hollywood Reporter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

02:27:05.000 Just the open-ended aspect of the internet is kind of changing that, don't you think?

02:27:10.000 I think so.

02:27:11.000 You know, I think so.

02:27:13.000 You know, they canceled it.

02:27:15.000 My character was going to die anyway.

02:27:18.000 So I was like...

02:27:20.000 But I still love the cast so much. 0.98

02:27:21.000 It was, you know, fucking Machine Gun Kelly who got a fucking huge hit on the radio or just did. 0.99

02:27:28.000 That kid's cool as fuck. 0.99

02:27:30.000 Machine Gun Kelly, do you know who it is? 0.99

02:27:32.000 I don't know that guy.

02:27:33.000 Oh, he's a...

02:27:33.000 I've heard that name.

02:27:35.000 He's a young...

02:27:35.000 Jamie just nodded at me like I'm an old man.

02:27:37.000 Yeah, he's a young, unbelievable rapper.

02:27:42.000 White guy out of Cleveland.

02:27:44.000 That's what the world needs. 0.70

02:27:45.000 More white rappers. 1.00

02:27:46.000 Fucking crazy. 1.00

02:27:46.000 Because of the age of Trump. 1.00

02:27:47.000 No, they don't need more.

02:27:49.000 But they need this one. 0.99

02:27:50.000 Because he's the real fucking deal. 0.99

02:27:52.000 I believe you. 0.99

02:27:53.000 And he's a...

02:27:54.000 He was great in the show.

02:27:56.000 Just great. 0.99

02:27:57.000 He really gave the honesty to the fucking show. 0.99

02:27:59.000 Beautiful. 1.00

02:28:00.000 Because he is a big partying rock star.

02:28:03.000 I'm writing his name down. 1.00

02:28:05.000 I'm going to buy his shit right after I get out of here. 0.99

02:28:07.000 MGK. Yeah, MGK. Nice. 1.00

02:28:10.000 Well, it's always cool to see and hear about new shit. 0.99

02:28:13.000 That's awesome. 0.99

02:28:15.000 I heard there's a documentary on Netflix called Rat.

02:28:17.000 I'm scared.

02:28:18.000 Have you seen it, Jamie?

02:28:19.000 No, but I think I told you about it a while ago.

02:28:21.000 Rat?

02:28:21.000 Rat.

02:28:21.000 Is it about rats?

02:28:23.000 Yeah, rats in New York.

02:28:24.000 Jesus Christ, Morgan Spurlock. 0.99

02:28:25.000 Why are you trying to fucking freak me out again? 0.99

02:28:27.000 I saw it. 0.98

02:28:27.000 I saw it on there and I chose not to watch it. 0.98

02:28:30.000 He freaked me out about McDonald's.

02:28:32.000 Now he's freaking me out about rats. 1.00

02:28:33.000 That goddamn Morgan Spurlock! 1.00

02:28:38.000 Rats, apparently, in New York City, there's as many rats as there are human beings. 1.00

02:28:43.000 I made that up. 0.93

02:28:44.000 20 million.

02:28:45.000 Sounds good, though, right?

02:28:46.000 I was with you.

02:28:47.000 In the days before the internet, I could get away with that.

02:28:50.000 I think it's probably pretty close, though, honestly.

02:28:52.000 There might actually be more rats.

02:28:53.000 Sure.

02:28:54.000 Because look how much space they take up.

02:28:55.000 Whoa, look at this.

02:28:56.000 Morgan Spurlock flying over New York with a drone. 0.99

02:28:59.000 That's a big rat right there.

02:29:00.000 The space of a Jack Daniels whiskey bottle is about the size of a good... 0.89

02:29:06.000 Look at the floor on this thing.

02:29:08.000 Wonderful.

02:29:08.000 It's a beautiful bottle.

02:29:11.000 It'd be awesome for a bar fight. 0.99

02:29:13.000 Some shit broke out. 0.99

02:29:14.000 Are we out of ice? 1.00

02:29:16.000 Do you care how drunk I get?

02:29:17.000 No, not at all.

02:29:18.000 I'm going to have my car towed.

02:29:21.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

02:29:22.000 How about your fucking car towed? 1.00

02:29:24.000 Don't worry about the ice. 1.00

02:29:25.000 There's plenty of ice, Mr. White.

02:29:29.000 Where are you?

02:29:31.000 People are text messaging.

02:29:32.000 My wife is.

02:29:33.000 Tell them you're on YouTube.

02:29:35.000 Out in Al Gore's interwebs floating through space.

02:29:40.000 And look, it's young Jamie with the ice.

02:29:42.000 Bam.

02:29:43.000 Young Jamie.

02:29:44.000 Camera operator.

02:29:48.000 Ice gutter. 1.00

02:29:50.000 Bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:29:51.000 Ron White, what are you doing? 1.00

02:29:52.000 Text messaging?

02:29:52.000 No, I am.

02:29:55.000 My wife is trying to find me. 1.00

02:29:57.000 I told her this was going to be about an hour, so I told her.

02:29:59.000 You've got to get her a drone, bro.

02:30:01.000 Like a little one.

02:30:02.000 Just keep it right next to you.

02:30:03.000 Right.

02:30:04.000 Have it follow me around.

02:30:05.000 Also, it's like practice for your focus. 1.00

02:30:08.000 Bust my fucking balls. 1.00

02:30:08.000 Because if you have an artificial drone flying over your head like that, at least it gives you this mental discipline. 1.00

02:30:16.000 You have to ignore the drone.

02:30:17.000 Ignore the drone.

02:30:18.000 Ignore the drone.

02:30:19.000 Okay, I'm going to bring her on.

02:30:22.000 Don't do it!

02:30:23.000 Ron White, this will be chaos!

02:30:25.000 We could wrap this up if you want.

02:30:26.000 No, no, I don't want to wrap it up, but...

02:30:29.000 Oh, she thought it was going to be an hour?

02:30:30.000 We've definitely done hour podcasts.

02:30:32.000 Only a couple.

02:30:34.000 Like, maybe three.

02:30:35.000 I don't care.

02:30:36.000 No, I'm having a blast.

02:30:37.000 I want to stay here and drink.

02:30:39.000 That's what I'm talking about, Ron White.

02:30:41.000 Until nobody cares anymore.

02:30:43.000 That's not going to happen.

02:30:44.000 That place isn't going to exist.

02:30:46.000 Send Margo a text.

02:30:49.000 I'm still at work.

02:30:52.000 Ron White is at work, ladies and gentlemen.

02:30:54.000 These cameras aren't on, though, right?

02:30:56.000 Definitely not.

02:30:57.000 Why would that be?

02:30:59.000 Are they?

02:30:59.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:31:00.000 Oh, good.

02:31:01.000 We're streaming.

02:31:02.000 We stream on YouTube.

02:31:03.000 Okay.

02:31:04.000 And record, and then it gets uploaded after the fact.

02:31:08.000 We put it on the iTunes.

02:31:09.000 So are we live to anybody right now?

02:31:12.000 Probably, like, let me guess.

02:31:14.000 10,000 people?

02:31:15.000 Oh, I guessed.

02:31:16.000 Really? 0.99

02:31:17.000 Wow, that's a fucking good guess. 1.00

02:31:20.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:31:20.000 Jesus. 1.00

02:31:21.000 I wouldn't even have had a guess.

02:31:23.000 I've never asked before.

02:31:25.000 Like, only in the big ones, like when we do Fight Companions.

02:31:27.000 What's the most it's ever been, like 30 or something?

02:31:31.000 33,000 or so.

02:31:32.000 Yeah.

02:31:33.000 33,000.

02:31:33.000 The most I can get stirred up on Periscope is about 3,200 maybe.

02:31:40.000 I don't know what I've ever got.

02:31:41.000 I haven't used it in so long.

02:31:43.000 But it's one of those things where if someone found out, like, that's one of the things that happened with that...

02:31:53.000 The Scott Adams guy.

02:31:54.000 Because people found out.

02:31:56.000 They're like, well, this really intelligent guy is also a Trump supporter.

02:31:59.000 Is he a Trump supporter?

02:32:00.000 No, he's not a Trump supporter.

02:32:01.000 He's literally not even voting.

02:32:03.000 But he's breaking down why he thinks Trump's going to win, and people are freaking the fuck out.

02:32:06.000 Like, he literally is telling you, I'm not voting.

02:32:08.000 I'm not voting for anybody, because then I'll have some sort of a player in the game.

02:32:13.000 He is a weird guy, that Scott Adams, in a good way.

02:32:17.000 Like, he's sort of defying...

02:32:19.000 He defies a lot of your...

02:32:20.000 He's a Democrat.

02:32:21.000 He's sort of a Democrat.

02:32:23.000 Democrat-ish.

02:32:25.000 Well, he's very open-minded, I would say.

02:32:27.000 But he got unfairly labeled as being like this Trump supporter.

02:32:32.000 Whereas, I don't think he was a Trump...

02:32:34.000 He most certainly was not anti-Trump.

02:32:37.000 But what he was trying to say...

02:32:42.000 Trump's program for him to say Trump's gonna win for sure, and I'm the one that knows.

02:32:47.000 And he also has the background that says he's the one that knows.

02:32:50.000 So it wasn't, you know, it was one of the several blows that Hillary took, besides being a horrible candidate, that she took that knocked it out of her hands. 0.99

02:33:03.000 You know, these two people were running against the only people that they could possibly fucking beat. 0.96

02:33:09.000 You know, if she just wouldn't have said basket of deplorables. 1.00

02:33:14.000 When she said that, I was like, Jesus titty fucking Christ, really? 0.99

02:33:19.000 There was a bunch of them. 1.00

02:33:20.000 Give them a hammer.

02:33:22.000 Anyway.

02:33:23.000 Just, you know, when people, even people that wanted to look at it as an alternative vote, like as an alternative to the potential chaos that Trump could cause, You know, and some people looked at it that way, and some people, honestly, I think, I don't know what percentage I would guess it would be, 0.97

02:33:40.000 but there's a bunch of pragmatists that got in there, and when it came time to vote, looked at that fucking ballot and said, you know what? 0.96

02:33:49.000 Let's just see what happens. 1.00

02:33:51.000 Let's just see what happens if we put this fucking crazy guy in here. 1.00

02:33:53.000 We were in England. 1.00

02:33:54.000 Why not?

02:33:55.000 At one of Margo's friends' house, and this guy who I really, really like, he goes, well...

02:34:04.000 The monkey in me would love to see Trump win.

02:34:08.000 That's me!

02:34:09.000 Yeah, right.

02:34:10.000 The monkey in me. 1.00

02:34:12.000 The fucking monkey in me. 1.00

02:34:13.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

02:34:14.000 You know, what could he really do?

02:34:16.000 But, you know, I don't know.

02:34:18.000 He could definitely do something, but what would he do good?

02:34:20.000 Yeah, right.

02:34:21.000 What would a complete shakeup of the system look like?

02:34:24.000 I don't know.

02:34:24.000 You know, and I think that there's this weird defining of things right now where everyone has to absolutely say in one way or another, either support or deny that.

02:34:33.000 They either support him or don't support him.

02:34:35.000 It gets to me to be real cultish. 1.00

02:34:37.000 It gets to me to be real, like, fucking patriot pride. 0.99

02:34:42.000 You know, yo, I'm fucking, I'm for the Dolphins no matter what. 0.99

02:34:45.000 It gets real weird. 0.99

02:34:47.000 It gets real weird. 0.51

02:34:47.000 Hey, I had a guy who wouldn't take a picture of me at a meet and greet because I was, somebody just brought up the subject, and I don't fucking bring it up at my meet and greets or my show. 0.51

02:34:55.000 I used to do one bit about it that was barely Could be conceived as anti-Trump. 0.99

02:35:04.000 Because half my fucking fans, I'm not going to lose half my fucking fan base over a goddamn presidential election. 1.00

02:35:10.000 Are you kidding me? 1.00

02:35:11.000 I'm greedy.

02:35:12.000 I'm not a Dixie chick. 1.00

02:35:14.000 People will get mad at you about shit like this, too. 0.99

02:35:16.000 Literally, he had two girls with him, and they took pictures. 0.99

02:35:22.000 He goes, you're the turn to take a picture.

02:35:23.000 He goes, if he's not going to support Trump, I'm not going to take a picture with him.

02:35:26.000 Ah!

02:35:28.000 And you know what I said?

02:35:29.000 Well, you know what? 0.99

02:35:30.000 There's a door right the fuck there. 0.99

02:35:32.000 And you can just walk the fuck out of it. 0.99

02:35:36.000 Wow.

02:35:36.000 He wants to drain the swamp.

02:35:38.000 That's all it is.

02:35:39.000 Hashtag drain the swamp.

02:35:40.000 Nobody's draining no swamp, though.

02:35:42.000 There ain't no swamp being drained down there.

02:35:45.000 Dick Cheney emerging as key Trump advisor. 1.00

02:35:48.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 1.00

02:35:50.000 Darth Vader has returned. 1.00

02:35:52.000 We're bringing Halliburton back into the son of a bitch. 0.99

02:35:58.000 He's been on ice, it turns out, for eight years. 0.99

02:36:01.000 The only Dick Cheney that we've ever seen in news reports has been this artificial Dick Cheney.

02:36:05.000 Dick Cheney has cryogenically frozen himself for eight years to get through the Obama administration and then to pop back up in the Trump administration.

02:36:14.000 It's fully renewed and invigorated.

02:36:16.000 He couldn't go three months without having open-heart surgery back when he was...

02:36:20.000 Jesus Christ, Ron White.

02:36:22.000 Jesus Christ.

02:36:24.000 There was a point in time where Dick Cheney literally did not have a pulse. 0.99

02:36:28.000 And I was like, Jesus Christ, isn't this in the fucking Bible? 0.99

02:36:31.000 I mean, really. 0.99

02:36:32.000 If you want to, you guys want to follow the Bible about the end of the world?

02:36:34.000 I don't know if it's in the Bible, but he had a machine inside his body that pumped his blood and it didn't make a pulse. 0.97

02:36:40.000 So he didn't have a fucking pulse for a long time while he's waiting for a heart transplant. 1.00

02:36:46.000 See, Cheney has heart, just fucking pop-ups! 1.00

02:36:49.000 Cheney has heart pump, but no pulse. 1.00

02:36:52.000 What?

02:36:53.000 That's gotta be a zombie. 0.71

02:36:55.000 Okay?

02:36:57.000 Are you excited or are you not?

02:36:58.000 I can't even tell. 1.00

02:36:59.000 I put my fucking fingers on your neck and I don't feel shit, you fucking vampire. 1.00

02:37:03.000 And you're still going. 1.00

02:37:05.000 You're still going?

02:37:06.000 You're still running Halliburton and you're the...

02:37:11.000 He's still in politics.

02:37:13.000 He's not fly-fishing.

02:37:15.000 You know what?

02:37:15.000 I haven't heard his name in years.

02:37:18.000 I'm like you.

02:37:19.000 I've heard his name in years.

02:37:21.000 He had a heart transplant.

02:37:22.000 I had a joke that I could never figure out how to get to work.

02:37:24.000 It was about how one Secret Service agent realized he wasn't really a Secret Service agent.

02:37:30.000 He just had the exact same blood type as Dick Cheney.

02:37:33.000 And they'd be like, how come I gotta eat tofu and you guys are eating burgers, man? 1.00

02:37:36.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:37:37.000 And they just never told him. 1.00

02:37:39.000 How come I got to run every day and you guys don't have to fucking run? 1.00

02:37:41.000 Shut up, bitch. 1.00

02:37:42.000 Get running. 1.00

02:37:43.000 And they sit behind him in the car, pacing with him, smoking cigarettes. 0.99

02:37:47.000 And then one day, Dick Cheney has a fucking heart attack and they open that dude up like a fish and just scoop out his fucking fresh heart and do some roadside service. 0.99

02:38:00.000 I can never figure out how to get to work. 0.99

02:38:01.000 I think it's very funny, but I don't know how you're going to get it to work.

02:38:04.000 It's never going to work.

02:38:05.000 It was just terrible.

02:38:05.000 It was about heart attacks and dead people and it's not funny enough.

02:38:10.000 Yeah, I got baby duck pussy lip tacos to work.

02:38:13.000 That was a...

02:38:15.000 One thing I can comfort myself in is knowing that Dick Cheney did not get any advantage as far as waiting in line for a heart.

02:38:21.000 Guarantee you, it was 100% fair and across the board...

02:38:25.000 How do you know?

02:38:26.000 Without a doubt, Dick Cheney did not have any influence whatsoever in anyone moving him to the front of the line to get a young, fresh 20-year-old basketball player's heart.

02:38:36.000 There's definitely no, no, no, no chance about it.

02:38:39.000 No?

02:38:39.000 No, absolutely not.

02:38:41.000 That the motorcycle victim, 17-year-old super stud athlete, there's no way that heart is going into Dick Cheney's heart.

02:38:48.000 No.

02:38:49.000 It's not going to.

02:38:49.000 Did it?

02:38:50.000 I would guess so.

02:38:51.000 Yeah.

02:38:52.000 So how's he doing now?

02:38:54.000 I don't know.

02:38:54.000 When did that happen?

02:38:55.000 Did he have a...

02:38:56.000 I don't know, man.

02:38:58.000 Does anybody know?

02:38:59.000 They didn't know whose heart it was?

02:39:01.000 I don't know.

02:39:02.000 He had a transplant at age 71. Jesus Christ.

02:39:06.000 It's three years ago.

02:39:07.000 Hanging on, son.

02:39:11.000 He suffered five heart attacks, undergone open heart surgery, multiple catheterizations and angioplasties, had a defibrillator implanted and a pump attached directly to his heart.

02:39:28.000 All of that before his transplant at age 71. Or some young strongman winner.

02:39:35.000 Now he's a sprinter. 0.99

02:39:37.000 They got some fucking kid from Iceland that dropped one of those mallets on his head, and they just grabbed him and just threw him on ice, sent him over to Jack. 0.99

02:39:46.000 Just keep him alive. 0.99

02:39:49.000 Jack's gonna be your surgeon.

02:39:50.000 We're gonna bring this whole thing back around.

02:39:52.000 We're gonna be fine. 0.99

02:39:54.000 Yeah, and then that fucking super hearts and Dick Cheney. 0.99

02:39:57.000 All of a sudden you see him. 0.99

02:39:59.000 Posture looks better. 0.90

02:40:01.000 Face starts to suck in a little bit, loses the jowls. 0.88

02:40:04.000 Hair's growing back. 0.96

02:40:05.000 I just don't know why a guy like that would want to still be in the business.

02:40:08.000 Like, at this stage of the game, like, is it just...

02:40:11.000 He doesn't want to...

02:40:11.000 Just the bailout money from Halliburton was like $150 million.

02:40:16.000 And that was to become vice president.

02:40:21.000 Wow!

02:40:22.000 You know, I don't know.

02:40:24.000 I have no idea. 1.00

02:40:25.000 I have no idea what drives any of those idiots. 1.00

02:40:27.000 Yeah, that's what you've got to worry. 1.00

02:40:30.000 What's the end game?

02:40:31.000 Where are you going when you're working that hard at 70?

02:40:34.000 What are you shooting for?

02:40:36.000 Are you trying to save the world?

02:40:37.000 Are you trying to tell people how it is?

02:40:39.000 What is it?

02:40:40.000 I wonder, you know?

02:40:41.000 It can't totally be I want to keep making money, right?

02:40:44.000 Can it be?

02:40:46.000 Ego.

02:40:46.000 Maybe.

02:40:47.000 Maybe while you're alive, you're just alive. 1.00

02:40:49.000 Maybe all these ideas that we have about people getting older and wiser, maybe that's all just bullshit. 0.99

02:40:54.000 Maybe you just get older. 0.96

02:40:55.000 Like a lot of people don't.

02:40:56.000 What?

02:40:57.000 They just get older. 0.99

02:40:58.000 So if they're fucking crazy when they're 30 and they want to take over the world, why do we automatically expect them to be on some path of self-regulation and improvement to the point where they become enlightened and they don't want to... 0.99

02:41:10.000 Take over the world anymore now that they're 70 and they've had 15 open-heart surgeries. 0.99

02:41:15.000 But no, it doesn't.

02:41:16.000 They're just people.

02:41:20.000 My goodness gracious, Joe Rogan.

02:41:22.000 Right?

02:41:23.000 Hey, you know what?

02:41:25.000 I think that this has been a lot of fun, and I love you to death.

02:41:33.000 I think it's been a lot of fun, and I love you to death as well.

02:41:36.000 And you know what?

02:41:38.000 I can't believe it took us this long to go do this thing. 0.99

02:41:42.000 I'm getting so fucked up that I can't respond anymore. 0.98

02:41:44.000 You're fine. 0.99

02:41:45.000 So it's always better if I just don't respond once I get this fucked up. 0.99

02:41:49.000 I completely understand your position. 0.97

02:41:51.000 But from a fan's perspective and a friend, you've been amazing and fine. 0.99

02:41:56.000 And you could skate right through this like a goddamn champion. 0.98

02:42:00.000 Like Tonya Harding before the incident. 0.99

02:42:04.000 Remember her?

02:42:05.000 The little fat thighs. 0.86

02:42:07.000 That little freak could spin around and fly through the air. 1.00

02:42:11.000 She was amazing.

02:42:12.000 That's you right now.

02:42:13.000 That's you right now.

02:42:14.000 You're like every great comic.

02:42:16.000 You have a low self-opinion of yourself.

02:42:19.000 It takes a certain amount of ego to be great.

02:42:21.000 That was easy for you to say.

02:42:22.000 I'm telling you right now.

02:42:23.000 It takes a certain amount of ego to be great, and then a certain amount of ego to move past that, where you have to understand your ego. 1.00

02:42:29.000 And you're one of those understand your ego guys, and so you squash that motherfucker every time it gets. 0.99

02:42:33.000 So you're always looking for self-deprecating moments, even in front of people that love you. 0.99

02:42:37.000 Yeah, well, maybe I do.

02:42:39.000 Maybe I do. 1.00

02:42:39.000 But it's because you're a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:42:42.000 There's no way you wouldn't be. 1.00

02:42:44.000 You wouldn't be as funny.

02:42:46.000 That's a whole part of the whole thing, man.

02:42:50.000 Getting to know you and be friends with you at the Comedy Store has been really fun, man.

02:42:54.000 I love your comedy.

02:42:55.000 I've always loved your comedy. 0.99

02:42:56.000 I love watching you work shit out. 0.93

02:42:58.000 I love hanging out with you. 0.97

02:42:59.000 It's just fun, man.

02:43:01.000 It's just fun.

02:43:01.000 And having you on here has been just nothing but a blast.

02:43:04.000 I knew it would be.

02:43:05.000 I knew it would be a hoot.

02:43:07.000 People right now are saying, no, don't stop!

02:43:10.000 No!

02:43:11.000 I still have to drive 45 minutes to get to New Hampshire!

02:43:15.000 They listen to this in New Hampshire? 1.00

02:43:17.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:43:17.000 They listen to this shit in Dubai. 1.00

02:43:19.000 In Dubai? 1.00

02:43:20.000 God damn it, we could have gotten work there if you wouldn't have been dissing them. 0.99

02:43:23.000 No, just being honest with them. 0.99

02:43:24.000 They got to straighten their game up.

02:43:26.000 Can't arrest people from saying the wrong magic word.

02:43:29.000 They do.

02:43:29.000 I don't know if they do, but...

02:43:31.000 Yeah, I just really...

02:43:33.000 You gotta get the game up.

02:43:34.000 You know, at some point...

02:43:35.000 You know, I did that getting Doug with high or whatever.

02:43:39.000 Did you do that?

02:43:39.000 How was that?

02:43:40.000 I got so fucked up, I couldn't even think. 0.99

02:43:43.000 Doug wasn't there like a flight attendant trying to bring you back into the runway. 0.99

02:43:46.000 Come on! 0.61

02:43:46.000 And I was there with Josh Blue, who smokes more weed than anybody. 0.61

02:43:51.000 Josh Blue, the comedian from Denver who won Last Comic Standing.

02:43:56.000 He has cerebral palsy, right? 0.99

02:43:58.000 Funny as fuck is what he is. 1.00

02:44:00.000 Really funny. 1.00

02:44:00.000 Very funny. 1.00

02:44:00.000 Really fucking good. 1.00

02:44:02.000 He's one of the rare people that actually uses medical marijuana. 0.98

02:44:05.000 And you can watch it. 1.00

02:44:06.000 You can watch it relaxes that fucking tension in his fucking muscular dystrophy arm or whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

02:44:11.000 Yeah, that's good to bring up. 0.99

02:44:12.000 Very important to bring up.

02:44:13.000 Because that's a clear beneficiary of actual medical marijuana, unlike you or me.

02:44:19.000 Oh, no, that's not true.

02:44:20.000 That guy's using it for medicine.

02:44:21.000 You know what?

02:44:22.000 I was taking Xanax...

02:44:25.000 To sleep?

02:44:27.000 No, to get up.

02:44:29.000 Just to get out of bed?

02:44:31.000 Yeah, for a while.

02:44:32.000 Ooh, that Xanax is a tricky one.

02:44:35.000 Yeah.

02:44:36.000 How long did you take it for?

02:44:39.000 26 years?

02:44:41.000 Jesus Christ.

02:44:41.000 No, I'm kidding.

02:44:42.000 I'm not on Xanax.

02:44:43.000 I'm going to step in as a fake pharmacological expert.

02:44:46.000 No, I'm not on Xanax.

02:44:48.000 I'm good.

02:44:49.000 I'm good. 0.97

02:44:50.000 I smoke a lot of weed, and that's good, and I drink a lot of tequila, but I'd like to thank the Jack Daniels folks for sending this over, because this is fucking delicious. 0.96

02:45:02.000 That's a... 0.99

02:45:02.000 Wow. 0.99

02:45:04.000 Hmm.

02:45:06.000 Man, I think...

02:45:08.000 I think we're all real lucky right now.

02:45:10.000 I think it's just a perspective issue.

02:45:12.000 It's really a perspective issue of understanding what a strange time this is, you know, for all of us.

02:45:18.000 Well, everybody's freaking out about Trump, freaking out about the future, and what are they going to do with Russia? 0.99

02:45:23.000 The fuck's going to—you worry about Russia? 1.00

02:45:24.000 How often in Ron White's day does Ron White worry about fucking Russia? 1.00

02:45:29.000 Well, you know, we're already dead. 0.99

02:45:32.000 So, I mean, in my opinion, I don't worry about Russia.

02:45:38.000 I really don't even think about Russia.

02:45:39.000 But I also don't think about any of it.

02:45:42.000 I mean, not in details, I don't.

02:45:45.000 You know, I was a presidential candidate.

02:45:47.000 My paperwork was completely filled out.

02:45:49.000 I was a candidate for the president of the United States this year.

02:45:53.000 How dare you?

02:45:54.000 Who put you in?

02:45:55.000 I did.

02:45:56.000 You put yourself in?

02:45:57.000 Yeah.

02:45:58.000 Now, are you a part of the Bilderberg group, or are you a supporter of any sort of the Illuminati, anything that's going on that's ruling the world, Ron White?

02:46:06.000 No.

02:46:06.000 You were just going to run for president as a normal dude?

02:46:09.000 How come I didn't hear about this until right now?

02:46:12.000 I don't know.

02:46:12.000 Research?

02:46:13.000 How the fuck am I supposed to know you ran for president? 0.99

02:46:16.000 Well, look, pull up Ron White for president. 0.99

02:46:19.000 I would have had you in.

02:46:20.000 Who'd have tried to rig the election?

02:46:22.000 Are you willing to do it again in four years?

02:46:23.000 No.

02:46:24.000 You know what scared me was that I didn't realize anybody was taking this seriously.

02:46:29.000 Oh my god.

02:46:31.000 Ron White for president. 1.00

02:46:33.000 Vote smart because you can't fix stupid. 1.00

02:46:39.000 So that's me at my house in the Beverly Hills side of the paperwork. 1.00

02:46:44.000 Oh my god, that is so hilarious.

02:46:46.000 I've actually never made that face before, so I don't know where they got that image, but it's certainly not me.

02:46:53.000 How weird, man.

02:46:55.000 And so, what happened?

02:46:57.000 People took it seriously?

02:46:59.000 Help support injured service members, war on the drugs that matter.

02:47:04.000 I had this war on meth thing that I felt like, because I have the same, I have a comics perspective of the American people.

02:47:18.000 Which means for the last 30 years of my life, I've done nothing but travel back and forth across this country, upside, downside, one left to right, right to left.

02:47:29.000 And I've made these people laugh.

02:47:31.000 I've drank with them in bars.

02:47:33.000 I've had dinner in their homes.

02:47:35.000 I've cried with them when their kids died.

02:47:36.000 And, you know, I know them.

02:47:39.000 Donald Trump doesn't know them.

02:47:40.000 Nobody else up there knows.

02:47:41.000 I know them.

02:47:42.000 You know them.

02:47:43.000 I know who they are.

02:47:44.000 I know exactly who they are, and I know what bothers them. 1.00

02:47:47.000 And one of the things that bothers them is the fucking meth is just killing everybody. 0.99

02:47:54.000 And nobody ever brought that up in this election, that meth. 1.00

02:48:00.000 The meth, even the meth made here, not even the meth from Mexico, the meth made here in America. 0.99

02:48:08.000 It kills more people than ISIS ever will in this country unless something fucking... 0.98

02:48:13.000 I mean, you know, this is going on right now. 0.99

02:48:15.000 100 people a day, dead, dead, dead.

02:48:17.000 100 people a day?

02:48:18.000 100 people a day, dead over either the byproducts of doing meth over a period of time.

02:48:25.000 100 people a day.

02:48:26.000 Easy.

02:48:27.000 How many people a day die from skateboarding?

02:48:30.000 Google that.

02:48:32.000 I'd say half a person a day.

02:48:35.000 You think?

02:48:35.000 Yeah.

02:48:36.000 What do you think is the most dangerous sport that people die from a day?

02:48:40.000 A hundred people a day die from meth?

02:48:41.000 If I'd have been elected president, here's my plan.

02:48:47.000 The most dangerous sport would have been run a meth lab. 1.00

02:48:52.000 That would have been the most dangerous fucking sport. 1.00

02:48:54.000 That would have been it. 0.99

02:48:56.000 Because I would put U.S. troops on the ground, and I would put a bounty of $20,000. 1.00

02:49:02.000 If you can show me an operating meth lab, we'll go in there, boots on the ground, we'll give you eight seconds to give up your meth babies, and then we're going to kill everybody in the fucking place. 1.00

02:49:12.000 And we're going to blow the place up. 1.00

02:49:13.000 You would kill the dude from Breaking Bad? 0.99

02:49:15.000 The teacher? 0.93

02:49:16.000 No, I don't think that's real.

02:49:17.000 But if it was real?

02:49:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:49:20.000 Fuck, yeah. 1.00

02:49:20.000 You know what? 1.00

02:49:21.000 Because he's killing people, and he knows he's doing it. 0.97

02:49:24.000 He knows he's doing it. 0.98

02:49:25.000 He's doing it just for profit.

02:49:27.000 He's a profiteer.

02:49:28.000 Could you just enjoy a little meth, like a wine tasting?

02:49:32.000 No.

02:49:32.000 Just a little?

02:49:33.000 Just a good discipline?

02:49:35.000 I could, but still.

02:49:36.000 I would like to see if Navy SEALs did meth.

02:49:38.000 If you could take guys with a tremendous amount of discipline.

02:49:41.000 If you got Tim Kennedy to do meth one time, I guarantee he's not going to become a meth junkie.

02:49:46.000 Or crack.

02:49:47.000 Crack cocaine is even more addictive.

02:49:49.000 Is it?

02:49:51.000 But meth, you know, you watch the deterioration of somebody on meth over a 10-year period of time.

02:49:55.000 It could be a most beautiful woman in the world, all the way down to skank in 10 years, completely toothless. 1.00

02:50:02.000 It's horrible for you. 0.99

02:50:04.000 Yeah, man, we're going deep, deep down the world of neither one of us know what the fuck we're talking about. 0.99

02:50:09.000 No, no. 0.99

02:50:11.000 No, we're not.

02:50:14.000 Absolutely we're not.

02:50:15.000 I told you, man.

02:50:16.000 I feel like a Navy SEAL can smoke some meth. 0.99

02:50:19.000 I told you a while ago, I'm too fucked up to keep doing the show, and you're the one that kept going. 0.99

02:50:22.000 We're fine. 0.99

02:50:23.000 Everything's fine.

02:50:24.000 We're just in a civil debate about whether or not a Navy SEAL can smoke a little meth and just put it down and walk away. 0.99

02:50:31.000 Because he's not a bitch. 0.99

02:50:33.000 Okay? 0.99

02:50:34.000 No.

02:50:35.000 Right?

02:50:35.000 It grabs your DNA, doesn't it?

02:50:37.000 I don't think so.

02:50:37.000 Who knows?

02:50:37.000 I think a Navy SEAL... I don't think a Navy SEAL would do it in the first place.

02:50:41.000 That's the whole key.

02:50:41.000 But if they did, for like an Army investigation.

02:50:44.000 Yeah, I know.

02:50:44.000 The Army had to find out.

02:50:46.000 Is it...

02:50:46.000 What is it?

02:50:46.000 Is it willpower?

02:50:47.000 Is it physical?

02:50:49.000 Like, what's the deal? 1.00

02:50:50.000 It'd be sucking a dick for a sandwich in the... 1.00

02:50:52.000 No, I'm not kidding. 1.00

02:50:54.000 They don't want sandwiches.

02:50:54.000 They want meth.

02:50:57.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:50:59.000 If they have meth, the sandwich has no importance.

02:51:02.000 It seems like for a lot of people that's the case.

02:51:05.000 But the question is, how even are we?

02:51:08.000 All of us.

02:51:10.000 Why do some people have cat allergies?

02:51:12.000 Why do some people have peanut allergies? 1.00

02:51:14.000 What the fuck's going on? 1.00

02:51:15.000 How many people that smoke meth just smoke it and they go, ugh? 1.00

02:51:18.000 How many people smoke meth and bing!

02:51:20.000 It's a high note, right?

02:51:22.000 Like we did with me and you.

02:51:24.000 I don't think we know, right?

02:51:25.000 Right.

02:51:25.000 Because some people smoke pot and they go, well, I'll never do that again.

02:51:28.000 Right, right, right.

02:51:28.000 But I didn't say that.

02:51:29.000 You didn't say that.

02:51:30.000 No.

02:51:31.000 I don't like things that make me vibrate.

02:51:34.000 And I like to nap.

02:51:38.000 Responsible methamphetamine use and community.

02:51:42.000 I use meth on occasion.

02:51:44.000 I'm not one of those crazies.

02:51:46.000 Oh my god.

02:51:48.000 Says he takes a little puff before work.

02:51:51.000 Oh my god.

02:51:52.000 I don't know if this is real, but I mean, there are people apparently that agree with him and there's a whole community discussion about this.

02:51:57.000 Of course they do.

02:51:57.000 Bunch of meth heads.

02:51:58.000 Meth heads are all getting together, chewing each other's fingers off, saying everything's fine. 1.00

02:52:02.000 And you know who's pitching in?

02:52:03.000 The dentists. 1.00

02:52:04.000 The fucking dentists are fucking going, yeah, yeah, do a little meth. 1.00

02:52:07.000 Just do a little meth. 1.00

02:52:08.000 We're going to make you a metal teeth set. 0.87

02:52:10.000 Like that dude from the James Bond movie.

02:52:13.000 Arr!

02:52:14.000 Jaws, remember that guy?

02:52:16.000 Metal teeth.

02:52:17.000 For a while, rappers were going with the metal teeth.

02:52:20.000 Jamie, has that let up?

02:52:21.000 No.

02:52:22.000 Interesting.

02:52:23.000 It's your grill.

02:52:24.000 Yeah, the grills are still in full force?

02:52:26.000 Definitely, for sure.

02:52:26.000 Interesting.

02:52:27.000 Ron White, have you ever considered getting a grill, like maybe perhaps something with platinum and diamonds?

02:52:31.000 No.

02:52:31.000 Something?

02:52:32.000 No?

02:52:33.000 Nothing?

02:52:33.000 No.

02:52:34.000 Like Little Wayne-esque, perhaps?

02:52:37.000 That's when Cameron decided to make my character bald.

02:52:41.000 I don't know if you ever saw it or not, but it was pretty funny.

02:52:43.000 You'd laugh at it.

02:52:44.000 Did you see my character?

02:52:46.000 I didn't see that show once.

02:52:48.000 If I had known that in any way I could have helped and kept it on the air, I would have watched every episode.

02:52:54.000 How do they find out who's watching?

02:52:58.000 How do they find out? 0.94

02:52:59.000 I feel like a dick for not watching your show now. 0.99

02:53:02.000 I think I probably wanted to get around to it, but there's a lot of shit. 0.99

02:53:06.000 I haven't seen that... 0.99

02:53:07.000 Who's the black superhero? 0.86

02:53:11.000 Luke Cage.

02:53:12.000 I want to see that show.

02:53:13.000 I keep hearing awesome things about it.

02:53:16.000 Now I'm in trouble, because I said the black superhero, even though he's exactly that. 1.00

02:53:21.000 What other ones?

02:53:22.000 Netflix has a couple.

02:53:22.000 They have Daredevil.

02:53:23.000 They have Luke Cage.

02:53:25.000 What else do they have?

02:53:26.000 The Punisher, I think.

02:53:26.000 Oh, they have The Punisher.

02:53:27.000 That's right.

02:53:28.000 I'm hearing good things about that, too.

02:53:30.000 But more about Luke Cage than anything.

02:53:32.000 I heard a lot of people...

02:53:33.000 Somebody has a bit about Luke Cage.

02:53:35.000 Jerron Horton.

02:53:36.000 Jerron Horton has a really funny bit about Luke Cage.

02:53:39.000 Jerron Horton, who opened up for me in Denver at the Comedy Works.

02:53:43.000 Yeah?

02:53:43.000 Is he from Denver?

02:53:44.000 No, he's from here.

02:53:45.000 He's from LA. You brought an opener all the way from...

02:53:49.000 Funny, man.

02:53:49.000 I always bring openers.

02:53:50.000 You don't bring openers?

02:53:52.000 What are you doing?

02:53:53.000 Texting people?

02:53:54.000 Whoa, what's happening there?

02:53:56.000 That's my character.

02:53:57.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:53:59.000 What did they do to you?

02:53:59.000 How rude.

02:54:00.000 I'm bald. 1.00

02:54:01.000 They made you look like shit. 1.00

02:54:03.000 I like the glasses, though. 1.00

02:54:05.000 And the t-shirt. 0.99

02:54:06.000 Well, those are the glasses that they didn't like at the fucking audition. 0.99

02:54:09.000 Those glasses are awesome. 1.00

02:54:10.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:54:11.000 That's funny, man. 1.00

02:54:14.000 So you enjoyed doing that show, though?

02:54:16.000 Yeah.

02:54:17.000 Yeah, it was a blast.

02:54:19.000 The dialogue was a blast to do.

02:54:22.000 You'd like it.

02:54:23.000 Watch episode eight.

02:54:25.000 Is it available on Netflix or you gotta go to a Showtime app?

02:54:28.000 I know I have Showtime.

02:54:29.000 Do they do it on demand?

02:54:30.000 Is it on demand?

02:54:32.000 I don't know.

02:54:32.000 I saw it was on a...

02:54:33.000 I think it was a Delta flight.

02:54:36.000 I think right now those providers, all these different people, are trying to figure out how to get that straight so you can watch pretty much.

02:54:43.000 I mean, how many years, you think, if you're realistic, how many years are we away from everything that everyone makes being able to be watched online real close?

02:54:52.000 It's just got to be some universal currency thing, some universal one-click like Amazon, something along those lines where you can get things on the spot right after they come out.

02:55:02.000 Because, you know, that's going to massively increase how many people watch a show or any show.

02:55:07.000 Because some people just don't want to pay for that Showtime package.

02:55:09.000 Maybe they're broke.

02:55:10.000 Maybe they have one chance.

02:55:12.000 Like, what do you want?

02:55:13.000 Oh, let's get HBO. You know?

02:55:14.000 Or maybe they're really cheap and they're like, I'm going to go with Cinemax.

02:55:18.000 I'll get Cinemax only.

02:55:19.000 What does that cost?

02:55:20.000 50 bucks.

02:55:21.000 I don't know.

02:55:22.000 I don't know what it costs.

02:55:23.000 I have no idea.

02:55:23.000 Cinemax is awesome.

02:55:24.000 That's not my point.

02:55:25.000 My point is that if you have it online...

02:55:28.000 If it's easy to get to, you get this open river. 0.99

02:55:31.000 It's like the blockades you put up where it makes it hard for people to buy shit. 0.99

02:55:35.000 That's what fucks everything up. 0.99

02:55:37.000 Like, oh, you want me to sign up?

02:55:38.000 Oh, I don't want to sign up.

02:55:39.000 I got to put my email address?

02:55:41.000 Oh, here comes the spam. 0.96

02:55:42.000 If there was just some one easy way that you could put that fucking thing online, just one simple way where everybody could just give you, like, a buck or whatever it is for an episode. 0.98

02:55:53.000 Just real easy. 0.96

02:55:54.000 Let me watch the episode real quick.

02:55:56.000 You know? 0.98

02:55:57.000 It'd be goddamn everywhere. 0.98

02:55:59.000 It'd be everywhere. 0.99

02:56:00.000 Everywhere!

02:56:02.000 Everywhere.

02:56:03.000 It's just too, right now, it's too complicated.

02:56:06.000 Right now they're trying to figure out the various portals for people to be able to profit off these things.

02:56:12.000 How do we start this?

02:56:13.000 I can't wait.

02:56:14.000 I can't wait to figure it out.

02:56:16.000 Because I don't profit off of the internet at all.

02:56:18.000 At all?

02:56:19.000 You definitely do.

02:56:21.000 Because people on the internet love you, so they come to see you.

02:56:23.000 Well, yeah, in that way they do.

02:56:25.000 You know, I do that.

02:56:26.000 Yeah, that's a big part of it, right?

02:56:29.000 Gotta get the Ron White show started.

02:56:32.000 Jamie, this is important.

02:56:35.000 Needs to be done, right?

02:56:36.000 No.

02:56:37.000 No?

02:56:37.000 What do you mean, a podcast?

02:56:39.000 You should do something like once a month.

02:56:41.000 No.

02:56:41.000 Where you commit to once a month.

02:56:43.000 Just once a month, it's not that much time for an hour.

02:56:46.000 Ron White answers questions.

02:56:48.000 Alright, I'll do that.

02:56:51.000 Look what we did.

02:56:53.000 Look what we did.

02:56:54.000 Boom.

02:56:54.000 Look what we've created here.

02:56:55.000 Alright.

02:56:57.000 You don't have to.

02:56:57.000 Did I put you on the spot?

02:56:58.000 No.

02:56:59.000 I feel bad now.

02:57:00.000 No, you know, everybody's been honored to do it.

02:57:03.000 But once a month, nobody said that.

02:57:04.000 Once a month's the way to do it.

02:57:05.000 Nobody said that.

02:57:06.000 Everybody else is like, 17 days a week. 1.00

02:57:08.000 I'm like, I don't have 17 days a week to fucking do this shit. 0.99

02:57:11.000 That's what I was going to tell you earlier. 0.99

02:57:13.000 I would never encourage any changing of any of what you do.

02:57:18.000 Because then you wouldn't be Ron White. 0.98

02:57:20.000 But if Ron White decides at one point in time that he wants to change whatever behavior, if Ron White decides that he wants to start drinking carrot and ginger and garlic juice every morning and going to the fucking CrossFit gym... 0.98

02:57:33.000 I'm drinking Jack Daniels with you. 0.99

02:57:35.000 You're Mr. Mixed Message.

02:57:38.000 I am definitely a mixed message.

02:57:40.000 You are.

02:57:40.000 I am 100%.

02:57:41.000 And I'm guilty as charged.

02:57:44.000 Just trying to squeeze as much life out of this thing as we can, Ron White.

02:57:49.000 I know.

02:57:49.000 Squeeze.

02:57:51.000 I know, but I'm not sure that helps.

02:57:53.000 I don't think so either.

02:57:54.000 The expression is little old man.

02:57:57.000 Not big old man.

02:57:59.000 It's little old man.

02:58:00.000 You never hear anybody say big old man.

02:58:03.000 It's poor little old man.

02:58:04.000 Tiny, little, tiny, little old, tiny man.

02:58:06.000 Look, he's got the cane.

02:58:08.000 What?

02:58:09.000 He's 104. That is the great grave pulling him towards it.

02:58:14.000 How fucked up is that? 0.99

02:58:15.000 That it's ultimately what is actually happening to your body as you get older. 0.99

02:58:19.000 You have a stick to fight off the slow pull of gravity.

02:58:24.000 That's tenacious.

02:58:25.000 That's just sucking you into its grave.

02:58:28.000 The undeniable constant pull that you could... 1.00

02:58:31.000 It used to kick your ass when you were a baby. 1.00

02:58:35.000 And you'd just fall over and kick your ass all the time, and then you got a little stronger, and then it got to where you could fucking run, and then it got to where you could jump, and you were like kicking gravity's ass for a few years. 1.00

02:58:48.000 But gravity never stopped. 0.99

02:58:51.000 Gravity never fucking stopped. 1.00

02:58:53.000 Gravity kept on fucking tugging on your goddamn ass. 1.00

02:58:56.000 Gravity's like Nick Diaz in his prime. 1.00

02:58:58.000 Sucking you down to the fucking earth. 1.00

02:59:00.000 Nick Diaz in his prime would land a lot of like 50% punches. 1.00

02:59:03.000 He would just kind of like punch at your face until you got hurt.

02:59:06.000 And then he would start digging hard.

02:59:08.000 Boom, boom, boom.

02:59:09.000 That's kind of like gravity.

02:59:11.000 Gravity is just slowly chipping away at your meniscus and your discs.

02:59:14.000 Right, they have no idea.

02:59:16.000 You have no idea.

02:59:17.000 Your posture, your hips.

02:59:18.000 Oh, why do your feet hurt? 1.00

02:59:20.000 Gravity, bitch. 1.00

02:59:21.000 Right, ankles sucking into your fucking metatarsals. 1.00

02:59:25.000 Into the lava from which you came, Ron White! 1.00

02:59:30.000 Motherfucker! 1.00

02:59:35.000 Thunder! 1.00

02:59:41.000 Thunder!

02:59:42.000 Thunder!

02:59:48.000 And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of this podcast.

02:59:51.000 Ron White is available for children's parties.

02:59:54.000 He plays clubs and colleges all across the country.

02:59:58.000 You can catch him!

03:00:01.000 All throughout the land!

03:00:04.000 Ron underscore White on Twitter.

03:00:06.000 Ron White official on Instagram.

03:00:07.000 Is that correct, sir?

03:00:08.000 That is, uh...

03:00:09.000 Yeah.

03:00:10.000 I don't even know about the Instagram stuff. 1.00

03:00:12.000 You're one of the baddest motherfuckers alive, Ron White. 1.00

03:00:14.000 I hope you appreciate that. 1.00

03:00:15.000 J. Joe Rogan, you are one of the greatest motherfuckers alive. 0.99

03:00:18.000 Thanks for having me on the show. 0.99

03:00:19.000 Please, my honor.

03:00:19.000 I know it'd be a blast.

03:00:21.000 It's fun that we hang out together so much. 1.00

03:00:24.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

03:00:24.000 And we just really talked about this last week. 0.99

03:00:26.000 Yeah.

03:00:27.000 And, uh...

03:00:28.000 But it was a lot of fun.

03:00:29.000 This was a good time, man.

03:00:30.000 Thank you so much.

03:00:31.000 Alright, we'll be back tomorrow with Brian Redband.

03:00:34.000 Who's not near is interesting.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 22, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #888 - Ron White

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Transcript