The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #902 - Live Underground from The Comedy Store

00:00:13.000 We are now live.

00:00:15.000 Jeff Ross, this is the first time we have ever done a live podcast from the Comedy Store, and it's with you, buddy.

00:00:20.000 I feel like we're in Hitler's bunker. 0.80

00:00:22.000 Do you?

00:00:23.000 I think Hitler's bunker is probably not as well lit.

00:00:27.000 Definitely didn't have the sound dampening.

00:00:28.000 That's how you know it's a real podcast studio. 1.00

00:00:30.000 They have this shit. 1.00

00:00:32.000 The sound dampening stuff. 1.00

00:00:33.000 The sound dampening stuff.

00:00:34.000 I think this is cool though.

00:00:35.000 It's in the color of the comedy store.

00:00:37.000 It's got the old sign.

00:00:38.000 Old comedy store sign in the background. 1.00

00:00:40.000 And we figured, fuck it. 1.00

00:00:42.000 We're here all the time. 1.00

00:00:44.000 Usually I'm just here hanging around after.

00:00:46.000 Why not do a podcast?

00:00:47.000 Have some fun.

00:00:48.000 I love it.

00:00:49.000 Hi everybody!

00:00:50.000 What's up?

00:00:50.000 Hey everybody!

00:00:52.000 Happy Thursday.

00:00:53.000 Happy Thursday. 1.00

00:00:54.000 So, tell me about your fucking show. 1.00

00:00:56.000 Your roast battle is on Comedy Central. 1.00

00:01:00.000 It's crazy, man.

00:01:01.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

00:01:02.000 Started out in the belly room.

00:01:03.000 You know, you came. 1.00

00:01:04.000 It's fucking great. 0.99

00:01:05.000 It's one of the reasons why I came back to the store. 0.99

00:01:08.000 When I came to see that show in the belly room, I was like, wow.

00:01:11.000 It was the day before Ari filmed this special.

00:01:13.000 And I hadn't been to the store in seven years.

00:01:15.000 I remember.

00:01:16.000 I came here.

00:01:17.000 I saw you at the improv that night.

00:01:19.000 Yeah.

00:01:20.000 I'd seen you a couple.

00:01:21.000 I'd been sitting at the improv around and I kept talking about it.

00:01:24.000 That's where I was doing sets.

00:01:25.000 And I kind of made it a personal mission to bring you back to the comedy store.

00:01:29.000 Aw, sweetie. 0.97

00:01:30.000 And Roast Battle was the bait.

00:01:32.000 Well, Roast Battle definitely helped, too, also because it was so electric.

00:01:36.000 I was like, man, there's something going on in this place.

00:01:39.000 Dude, I love doing this show so much, and the comics love doing it.

00:01:42.000 It's the only competition show where comics who aren't even on the show come to watch other comics.

00:01:47.000 Yeah.

00:01:48.000 It's insane.

00:01:49.000 It's one of the rare shows where comics come to watch other comics.

00:01:52.000 We're shooting in the old House of Blues across the street.

00:01:55.000 They're knocking it down in a couple weeks and building condos forever.

00:01:59.000 Very historic building.

00:02:00.000 That's kind of crazy.

00:02:01.000 So our producer, Joel Gallen, had the idea to go in there, pull the stage out, clean it up.

00:02:06.000 There was like all kinds of stuff living in there.

00:02:08.000 And we built our roast battle arena inside the old House of Blues for four nights.

00:02:14.000 I can't believe this is happening.

00:02:16.000 That's crazy.

00:02:17.000 It's like, you know, the early days of wrestling or fighting or something.

00:02:22.000 I can't believe they're turning into condos.

00:02:24.000 That stuff's hard to realize that that's what we're going to have across the street, but maybe it'll be good in some way. 0.99

00:02:30.000 Well, I bet a lot of comics are just going to get a fucking apartment there. 0.96

00:02:33.000 If you can afford it, that'd be amazing. 0.99

00:02:35.000 Stumble out of bed, walk across the street.

00:02:37.000 Oh, I didn't even think about that.

00:02:37.000 Yeah.

00:02:39.000 Why not live there?

00:02:40.000 Huh.

00:02:41.000 I mean, come on, man.

00:02:42.000 It'd be the greatest.

00:02:43.000 And if you have a reluctant girl, you know?

00:02:46.000 You're trying to meet a young lady, and you're like, come on back to my place. 0.94

00:02:50.000 Well, I mean, I'm getting kind of tired.

00:02:52.000 Listen, baby, it's just across the street.

00:02:54.000 Yeah, you're there.

00:02:55.000 We're already there.

00:02:55.000 Come on over.

00:02:57.000 Okay, Jeff.

00:02:58.000 I mean, you are kind of funny, and I just want you to know I'm not that kind of girl.

00:03:03.000 Well, we'll play ping pong in my rec room.

00:03:08.000 Ping pong's a good one to play.

00:03:09.000 Everyone thinks they know how to play foosball.

00:03:12.000 Right?

00:03:13.000 I don't know.

00:03:14.000 Do they?

00:03:14.000 Yeah, a lot of drunk people think they know how to play that one.

00:03:17.000 Oh, foosball.

00:03:17.000 Yeah, you know that thing.

00:03:18.000 Nobody knows how to play ping pong. 1.00

00:03:20.000 A few people do, but they're assholes. 0.99

00:03:22.000 I have two Chinese cousins and they're very good at ping pong. 1.00

00:03:25.000 China and ping pong go together for some reason.

00:03:27.000 Has anyone seen that video of Bruce Lee hitting the nunchucks? 0.97

00:03:31.000 Is that real?

00:03:32.000 No, it's not real. 1.00

00:03:33.000 Damn! 1.00

00:03:35.000 Oh, Joe Rogan, you ruined it! 1.00

00:03:37.000 Why did you think it was real? 0.99

00:03:38.000 It looks so fucking fake. 0.99

00:03:39.000 How do I know? 0.99

00:03:40.000 I could eat glasses.

00:03:41.000 Can you imagine if he was a world champion ping pong player plus this martial arts master?

00:03:46.000 I didn't even take it to fact that his ping pong was that good.

00:03:49.000 It was more like he was hitting the ball without...

00:03:51.000 Wasn't he doing it with nunchucks?

00:03:53.000 Yeah.

00:03:53.000 Yeah, I don't think.

00:03:54.000 I'm pretty sure.

00:03:55.000 I can't.

00:03:56.000 I don't even know why I answered that.

00:03:57.000 I should have told you yes.

00:03:59.000 It was true. 0.75

00:04:00.000 Totally real, bro.

00:04:01.000 Bruce Lee was a master, bro. 0.99

00:04:03.000 Damn, I just never wanted to know and I shouldn't have asked. 0.99

00:04:05.000 I was here one night where Eddie Griffin was telling a Bruce Lee story and Eddie Griffin was just drunk as fuck and he was making up some Bruce Lee story. 0.99

00:04:12.000 He's like, there was 39 people in the room when he died. 0.98

00:04:15.000 All of them attacked Bruce Lee.

00:04:17.000 18 of them died before they got him.

00:04:20.000 Wow.

00:04:21.000 I was like, what?

00:04:22.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:04:23.000 He had like an allergic reaction to a drug or something.

00:04:26.000 He had like a blood clot or something.

00:04:29.000 I don't know.

00:04:30.000 Some people think the Chinese triad had him whacked.

00:04:34.000 Oh, really?

00:04:35.000 Yeah, because you know his son Brandon died on the set of a movie where they had a fake gun, like a gun with a blank, and they shot at him, and there was something inside the gun, and it wound up killing him.

00:04:48.000 Ugh.

00:04:48.000 Yeah.

00:04:49.000 What a way to go.

00:04:50.000 Was it a stuntman who shot him or another actor?

00:04:52.000 I think it was another actor.

00:04:54.000 And from then on, now they made a new rule after that, I think. 0.99

00:04:59.000 This might be bullshit. 0.99

00:05:00.000 But I think the new rule was what I had heard, was that you can't point a gun at someone when you shoot them. 0.99

00:05:06.000 Like, instead of shooting you in the blank, if you and I were in a movie and I was going to shoot you in the blank, I'd have to do that.

00:05:11.000 It looks like from over there that I'm shooting at you, but I'm really shooting to the left of you. 0.95

00:05:15.000 Oh, fascinating.

00:05:16.000 Wow.

00:05:17.000 I guess I never realized that.

00:05:19.000 Sightline is weird.

00:05:20.000 Yeah, you remember his brother, The Crow?

00:05:21.000 Or his son, rather?

00:05:22.000 Yeah.

00:05:23.000 Isn't that movie The Crow?

00:05:23.000 It was cool, and they had to finish it without him or something?

00:05:26.000 Yeah, they had to hire some guy to pretend to be him, I think.

00:05:30.000 It's 2017. We're almost done with January, and not one major celebrity has died in any way yet.

00:05:36.000 Crazy.

00:05:37.000 Amazing how many dropped off right before the end, though.

00:05:40.000 Carrie Fisher was a bummer. 1.00

00:05:42.000 That's crazy.

00:05:43.000 Who else died?

00:05:44.000 Prince, George Michael, David Bowie.

00:05:48.000 Prince is a bad one, man. 1.00

00:05:49.000 He died from fucking pain pills. 1.00

00:05:52.000 Hey, Magoda. 1.00

00:05:54.000 We lost Fish?

00:05:55.000 A year ago.

00:05:56.000 Really?

00:05:57.000 Beginning of last year. 1.00

00:05:58.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:05:59.000 Tough one. 1.00

00:06:00.000 I didn't know about that one.

00:06:01.000 He was 175 years old.

00:06:01.000 He was at least that old.

00:06:03.000 What was that other?

00:06:04.000 Barney, um...

00:06:05.000 His SAG number was three.

00:06:07.000 Barney Miller, right?

00:06:08.000 Wasn't that a detective show?

00:06:08.000 He played Fish on Barney Miller.

00:06:11.000 And then he had Fish.

00:06:11.000 He was on his own show.

00:06:12.000 Well, he was in the Godfather movies.

00:06:14.000 That's true.

00:06:15.000 He had a spinoff, though, right?

00:06:16.000 Fish.

00:06:17.000 I love that show.

00:06:19.000 It's only on one season, but everyone remembers it.

00:06:21.000 How is that possible?

00:06:22.000 If there's a show on now for one season, you don't even know it's on.

00:06:25.000 You never heard of it.

00:06:27.000 Fish lasted one season, and everyone remembers it.

00:06:30.000 Do you think this now that, you know...

00:06:32.000 You've been on TV a bunch of times, and you've had your own show, and now you've got Rose Battle on.

00:06:37.000 Do you think there's so many shows on now, with so many networks and so many channels, and then there's streaming shit like Netflix and Hulu and CISO? It's almost like there's too much content.

00:06:50.000 I think it's just, for some reason, more narrowed.

00:06:54.000 You know?

00:06:55.000 You get your exact audience.

00:06:57.000 That's true.

00:06:58.000 Strange.

00:06:59.000 You know, like Doug Benson has something for pot smokers, and someone else has something for home improvement, and there's a channel just for cooking shows.

00:07:07.000 It's kind of like that, I guess.

00:07:09.000 Otherwise, it's hard to understand.

00:07:11.000 Well, it's hard to get people to know about your show just from TV. Right.

00:07:16.000 You need some sort of web presence and some sort of social media presence and something else.

00:07:22.000 It's like regular shows. 0.97

00:07:23.000 If you just put it on after a successful show, nobody knows what the fuck it is. 0.98

00:07:27.000 They just change the channel to something they do know. 0.94

00:07:29.000 Right.

00:07:29.000 Interesting.

00:07:30.000 There's almost too many things going on now, Jeff.

00:07:31.000 That's what's hard about launching any TV show.

00:07:34.000 And we're doing our show as a tournament, like as an event.

00:07:38.000 So by the time you even know it's on, it's over.

00:07:41.000 Yeah.

00:07:41.000 But it's so good.

00:07:43.000 It's so good, it can't lose.

00:07:45.000 That's a show when they said that they were going to turn that into a television show, I'm like, that can't miss.

00:07:50.000 It can't miss.

00:07:51.000 And, you know, especially if you could figure out a way to do them all in the belly room.

00:07:56.000 I really feel like the belly room is something special.

00:07:59.000 It really is the magic. 0.98

00:08:00.000 There's something, it's so intimate, it's so, and when you see someone get fucking crushed in the belly room, like I've heard some goddamn titanic lines up there. 0.94

00:08:09.000 What did Kim Kong did say about this girl? 0.99

00:08:13.000 Oh, she said, she's not Union, but her tits are sag. 1.00

00:08:19.000 It really is a joke writer's showcase. 1.00

00:08:21.000 It is.

00:08:22.000 We're doing it the last...

00:08:23.000 It's next weekend.

00:08:25.000 I don't know when you were posting.

00:08:26.000 We're live.

00:08:27.000 So it's...

00:08:28.000 Yeah, we're live now.

00:08:28.000 We're live now.

00:08:29.000 Hi, I forgot for a second.

00:08:30.000 Oh, hi, everybody.

00:08:31.000 So when is it...

00:08:32.000 It's 26th, 27th, 28th, and 29th January.

00:08:35.000 Four nights in a row.

00:08:37.000 And it...

00:08:37.000 Has it already...

00:08:38.000 It's a bracketed tournament.

00:08:40.000 We'll start taping tomorrow, and then the finale is live on the 29th.

00:08:43.000 Oh.

00:08:44.000 That's awesome.

00:08:44.000 Live on TV? It's fun right now because we're in the comedy store right now.

00:08:48.000 All the New York comics are staying across the street.

00:08:51.000 So they're all coming over to check out the comedy store.

00:08:54.000 And now we're shooting across the street in the old House of Blues.

00:08:57.000 So this whole little neighborhood is going to be a roast battle neighborhood for a week or so. 0.91

00:09:01.000 You hear the piano?

00:09:02.000 It's kind of great.

00:09:03.000 We're downstairs below the original room.

00:09:06.000 This is underground comedy.

00:09:08.000 This is underground.

00:09:09.000 That's what we're going to call it.

00:09:11.000 Underground at the Comedy Store.

00:09:13.000 Right?

00:09:13.000 I love that.

00:09:14.000 Perfect, because we're underground.

00:09:15.000 That's what we'll call it.

00:09:16.000 Got it.

00:09:17.000 Love that.

00:09:17.000 Live underground from the Comedy Store.

00:09:19.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:09:20.000 Because you can hear comics killing up there. 1.00

00:09:23.000 You can hear the piano music. 0.98

00:09:25.000 It's fucking awesome. 0.98

00:09:26.000 It's got a real feel to it, bro. 0.99

00:09:27.000 Dude, you shaved your eyebrows.

00:09:29.000 I ran into you in New York five months ago, and you had shaved your eyebrows.

00:09:33.000 How do I look now?

00:09:34.000 They're kind of not back yet.

00:09:37.000 I'm a strange looking guy, Rogan.

00:09:39.000 How long does it take for eyebrows to grow back?

00:09:41.000 Could be a lifetime. 0.99

00:09:43.000 That's fucking nuts. 1.00

00:09:45.000 That's so weird. 1.00

00:09:46.000 I thought eyebrows would be like a beard.

00:09:49.000 I don't really have hair on my body.

00:09:51.000 You don't?

00:09:52.000 Like your body hair?

00:09:53.000 Yeah, like my sister's never shaved her legs. 1.00

00:09:56.000 Look, Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody.

00:09:57.000 Come on in, Greg.

00:09:58.000 Come in? 1.00

00:09:59.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

00:10:00.000 Get in here, buddy. 1.00

00:10:01.000 We saved you a spot.

00:10:03.000 Isn't this cool?

00:10:04.000 Hi, Greg.

00:10:05.000 Dude, you are for here.

00:10:06.000 Is he better for here?

00:10:08.000 This one's fine?

00:10:09.000 Okay.

00:10:10.000 Beautiful.

00:10:11.000 Welcome to Hitler's bunker. 0.91

00:10:13.000 I know. 1.00

00:10:14.000 Can we fuck Ava? 1.00

00:10:15.000 No. 1.00

00:10:17.000 How was your set?

00:10:19.000 You know, it was one of those crowds where if you did new shit that you were excited about, they were with you, and as soon as you did a bit that had any dust on it, they just fucking flatlined. 0.98

00:10:30.000 So do you think that was you, or they felt it in you? 0.99

00:10:36.000 Oh, it was definitely me.

00:10:38.000 It was me because I felt like when you have new stuff, you get so excited about doing it that you come alive and you're not reciting it.

00:10:47.000 You're really saying it.

00:10:48.000 And then when you transition into shit that you've been doing for too long, you lose that freshness and they sense there's a difference between the material. 0.96

00:10:57.000 There's a moment when you're doing an old bit where you have so much shame and you try to reignite it and It's like when you see a guy yelling at his son in a parking lot. 0.96

00:11:14.000 And he doesn't even believe it.

00:11:15.000 He's just doing it because he thinks that's how a father's supposed to act.

00:11:18.000 You know what's even worse?

00:11:19.000 Is when you see someone yelling at their kid and then you look over and you make eye contact with them and they realize they shouldn't be yelling at their kid and they've lost their cool.

00:11:28.000 Plus I can imagine you looking at a guy who's yelling at his kid.

00:11:31.000 There's probably a little bit of a menacing look on your face.

00:11:33.000 I try not to be.

00:11:34.000 I try to be kind.

00:11:36.000 I don't want to be menacing to parents.

00:11:39.000 Or audiences, for that matter.

00:11:41.000 I don't yell at my kids, man. 0.98

00:11:43.000 I might raise my voice occasionally if they're doing something really fucked up, like they're being mean to each other. 0.88

00:11:48.000 But I remember people yelling at me, man. 1.00

00:11:51.000 The cortisol reaction that happens in a kid's brain and all the stress hormones that get released, there's plenty of fucking bad shit going on in the world. 0.99

00:12:02.000 They don't need their parents yelling at them, too. 0.99

00:12:04.000 Well, especially when you put it in perspective.

00:12:06.000 Like, your parent, at any given time, is possibly three or four times bigger than you.

00:12:11.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

00:12:11.000 And then when they yell at you on top of that, that's really, that's fucking intimidating. 0.98

00:12:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:17.000 You sound like a couple of pussies right now. 1.00

00:12:19.000 We have kids. 1.00

00:12:20.000 You become a pussy. 1.00

00:12:21.000 You definitely do in a certain way. 1.00

00:12:23.000 You become a pussy. 1.00

00:12:24.000 Yeah, you definitely. 1.00

00:12:26.000 The good thing about that, me not yelling, is my fucking six-year-old is not even remotely scared of me. 0.99

00:12:31.000 Not even a little. 0.99

00:12:33.000 She mocks me openly.

00:12:35.000 I go, hey, listen, you can't do that.

00:12:38.000 She sticks her tongue out at me. 1.00

00:12:40.000 She's not even a little nervous around me.

00:12:42.000 Maybe I should be a little harder.

00:12:44.000 Just leave some videotapes of you doing jiu-jitsu on somebody.

00:12:46.000 Just in a loop.

00:12:48.000 I teach her.

00:12:49.000 I teach my kids.

00:12:50.000 They take martial arts.

00:12:52.000 My six-year-old is actually a higher rank than my eight-year-old.

00:12:55.000 Oh, really?

00:12:56.000 Yeah.

00:12:57.000 I think that gives them the confidence to talk smack at you.

00:13:00.000 No.

00:13:01.000 If he hits me, I can block it.

00:13:03.000 No.

00:13:04.000 I don't think that's it.

00:13:05.000 I just think they know I'm not going to do anything. 0.97

00:13:07.000 They beat the shit out of me, though. 0.99

00:13:09.000 They're allowed to hit me because they're allowed to practice techniques on me. 0.99

00:13:12.000 I allowed them.

00:13:13.000 Full blast leg kicks.

00:13:15.000 Especially my 8-year-old. 1.00

00:13:16.000 She can fucking hit hard, man. 1.00

00:13:18.000 She'll step into a leg kick and crack! 1.00

00:13:21.000 She lets me know she's going to do it, but I let her do it so she can feel what it's like to hit a real person as hard as you want. 0.99

00:13:27.000 Yeah, you're her meat puppet. 1.00

00:13:29.000 It's interesting.

00:13:30.000 You know Jeff Ross of Black Belt and Paekwondo?

00:13:32.000 I did know that.

00:13:33.000 Wow.

00:13:35.000 What year did you become a black belt?

00:13:38.000 I was not even 11. Oh, so it's a junior black belt.

00:13:42.000 Easy, buddy.

00:13:43.000 Hey! 0.99

00:13:45.000 That's nice, though. 0.87

00:13:46.000 It's great if you fight a midget. 1.00

00:13:47.000 It was a black belt.

00:13:48.000 I had to teach adults in order to get my black belt.

00:13:51.000 Really?

00:13:52.000 You had to teach adults?

00:13:53.000 Really?

00:13:53.000 That was part of the test.

00:13:54.000 Oh.

00:13:55.000 You learn a lot when you teach.

00:13:57.000 That's true.

00:13:57.000 Your son's a black belt, right?

00:13:58.000 Yeah.

00:13:59.000 Junior black belt.

00:14:00.000 Junior black belt.

00:14:01.000 Yeah.

00:14:01.000 He did it for like eight years.

00:14:03.000 A lot of different schools have different distinctions.

00:14:05.000 Eight years of anything at that age is pretty great.

00:14:07.000 What's tough is once they get the black belt, there's not new forms to learn.

00:14:12.000 It's just perfecting what you've already learned.

00:14:14.000 There's a big drop-off because kids are so used to getting a new belt and learning new, what do they call it, katas?

00:14:21.000 Yeah, depending on what style art.

00:14:26.000 Kata is actually a Japanese word.

00:14:29.000 It depends on what martial art.

00:14:30.000 In Taekwondo, I think they called it It's different for other styles of Korean martial arts.

00:14:40.000 I have a different name for it, too.

00:14:43.000 You can go to higher degrees, though.

00:14:45.000 You can get second degree, third degree.

00:14:47.000 It takes a while.

00:14:48.000 It takes a different mentality to go to that level.

00:14:52.000 Yeah, that is a thing, man.

00:14:53.000 Once people achieve black belt, they feel like they're done.

00:14:56.000 The mountain has been climbed.

00:14:58.000 That's one thing that you don't...

00:15:00.000 Well, I guess you kind of have that in all martial arts.

00:15:03.000 But Taekwondo, you're doing a lot of light contact sparring, and because of that, I think it's not as engaging as jujitsu, because jujitsu is kind of like full blast, because you're not hitting each We're good to

00:15:33.000 go.

00:15:37.000 I usually just wait until somebody gets an erection, then we call it a day. 0.99

00:15:41.000 Do you finish them off? 0.99

00:15:42.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:15:43.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:15:43.000 Good man. 1.00

00:15:44.000 I made a joke last night on your show.

00:15:47.000 It just kind of came up, but somebody goes... 0.99

00:15:50.000 This guy goes, I'd have sex with you. 0.99

00:15:52.000 And I go, that's nice. 1.00

00:15:54.000 He goes...

00:15:58.000 He goes, but I'd be the top. 0.99

00:15:59.000 I go, of course you'd be the top because the only way anyone's fucking me is I'm flat on my face and you just tackled me. 1.00

00:16:05.000 And it's probably a three-way. 0.99

00:16:07.000 That's the only way I'm getting fucked is these two guys and I'm the bottom. 0.99

00:16:12.000 There's something there. 1.00

00:16:14.000 Could be.

00:16:16.000 What's the closest you ever came to fooling around with a guy, Jeff?

00:16:21.000 Right now?

00:16:21.000 Not close.

00:16:22.000 Not close at all?

00:16:23.000 With this conversation?

00:16:25.000 You ever got high and like, uh...

00:16:27.000 I guess I saw...

00:16:29.000 What happened?

00:16:32.000 He's rubbing his eyes.

00:16:32.000 He just cut himself off.

00:16:34.000 Yeah, he's like, I can't get into that.

00:16:37.000 You know what he's thinking now?

00:16:38.000 This is part of the problem with being a roast master.

00:16:40.000 He's thinking someone's going to use this on me in a roast.

00:16:43.000 Yeah.

00:16:44.000 Could be a roast battle. 0.97

00:16:45.000 You can't show a soft underbelly.

00:16:46.000 Do you think you'll ever wound up battling on roast battle?

00:16:49.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:51.000 Definitely.

00:16:52.000 Are you already preparing?

00:16:53.000 No, I just think about how it would work.

00:16:55.000 I look at like...

00:16:57.000 Who would be fun to battle.

00:16:59.000 I'm obviously a bit easy target for a guy who works the door here.

00:17:03.000 He's going to destroy me.

00:17:05.000 It's like, of course, how the mighty will fall.

00:17:08.000 But I still think it would be fun anyway.

00:17:10.000 What does it feel like knowing that you roasted the President of the United States?

00:17:15.000 You roasted Trump.

00:17:16.000 It is totally a weird feeling.

00:17:20.000 And I saw him a couple weeks ago.

00:17:22.000 I saw him down in Florida.

00:17:27.000 What are you doing at his golf course?

00:17:36.000 What?

00:17:37.000 I don't understand your life.

00:17:39.000 Jeff Ross's life is like nobody else's. 1.00

00:17:41.000 I follow him on fucking Instagram. 0.96

00:17:44.000 And every night he's in a different city with a different set of cool people. 1.00

00:17:48.000 Well, when you're a successful man, you don't have children.

00:17:50.000 Yeah, right.

00:17:51.000 And you're not married. 1.00

00:17:51.000 You can do whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

00:17:53.000 Jesus, what a life. 0.99

00:17:54.000 Yeah, you really do have a good life in that regard.

00:17:57.000 You're free as a bird.

00:17:58.000 It is cool. 0.99

00:17:59.000 How the fuck have you managed to not get tied down? 0.99

00:18:02.000 I'm ready to get tied down. 1.00

00:18:03.000 You're ready?

00:18:03.000 I wish I... They say that.

00:18:05.000 I wish I would meet somebody who could do that.

00:18:07.000 They say that when they're around us.

00:18:09.000 Yeah, that's not true.

00:18:10.000 That's not true.

00:18:11.000 I would like to settle down.

00:18:13.000 Really?

00:18:13.000 Yeah, I haven't met the right person.

00:18:15.000 Hmm.

00:18:16.000 How come you haven't met the right person? 1.00

00:18:18.000 Because you're in a new city every night, you fuck. 1.00

00:18:20.000 You're constantly traveling. 1.00

00:18:21.000 Maybe I'm looking the wrong way.

00:18:23.000 I came close a couple times.

00:18:25.000 Do you think you'll have a little Jeff someday?

00:18:26.000 I really hope so.

00:18:28.000 How old are you now?

00:18:29.000 50. 51. It's over.

00:18:32.000 Why?

00:18:33.000 Because your comma's bad.

00:18:38.000 You really think so?

00:18:40.000 If it tastes it, it's probably bitter.

00:18:43.000 Don't freak me out.

00:18:44.000 Don't freak me out.

00:18:45.000 You already told me that the Bruce Lee video wasn't real.

00:18:47.000 He thought the Bruce Lee video, Bruce Lee playing ping pong with nunchucks, he thought that was real.

00:18:52.000 No, you didn't.

00:18:55.000 Are you serious?

00:18:57.000 They're round.

00:18:58.000 Nunchucks are round. 0.99

00:19:01.000 And who the fuck is that good that you could time it? 0.99

00:19:05.000 You'd have to time the ping pong. 0.99

00:19:08.000 It's not like a paddle that's like a rigid thing where you can kind of hit it.

00:19:11.000 You have to time the swing of the thing.

00:19:13.000 I thought he was a badass.

00:19:15.000 Well, he was definitely a badass.

00:19:16.000 No doubt about it.

00:19:17.000 He was the original mixed martial artist. 0.99

00:19:19.000 You think my cum is bad? 0.93

00:19:21.000 It's probably not good. 0.98

00:19:22.000 It's probably not good.

00:19:23.000 You probably have to...

00:19:24.000 Get a nephew or somebody to kick in.

00:19:26.000 Come on.

00:19:27.000 Some of Greg's come.

00:19:29.000 Greg's still got a couple of good rumors in there.

00:19:31.000 This is terrible news.

00:19:32.000 At a certain age, when men have children, there's a high risk of autism.

00:19:37.000 Somebody was mocking Trump.

00:19:38.000 I think it was Rosie O'Donnell was mocking Trump's kid.

00:19:43.000 Oh, yeah.

00:19:43.000 Rosie O'Donnell did.

00:19:44.000 Yeah, which I thought was like, wow. 0.99

00:19:46.000 I know that he said some fucked up shit about her, but going after his kid like that, that shows you how much he hurt her. 0.99

00:19:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:55.000 She wrote a poem about how depressed she was when he became president.

00:19:59.000 No, he hadn't even won yet.

00:20:01.000 He made fun of her in a debate.

00:20:04.000 In one of the debates, he was talking, like someone said he talked bad about women.

00:20:09.000 He's like, well, Rosie O'Donnell.

00:20:10.000 But everybody agrees with me.

00:20:12.000 And he got a laugh.

00:20:14.000 And apparently she was just devastated.

00:20:16.000 She called his kid autistic?

00:20:17.000 Later.

00:20:18.000 It was after that.

00:20:20.000 I think she was just crushed.

00:20:22.000 She was talking about how sad she was.

00:20:24.000 She couldn't go outside.

00:20:26.000 I haven't seen his kid.

00:20:27.000 Does he look autistic? 1.00

00:20:28.000 He looks like a fucking kid. 1.00

00:20:30.000 He's a tall, good-looking kid. 1.00

00:20:32.000 He's got a bunch of kids.

00:20:33.000 He gave them Rhode Island for Christmas.

00:20:40.000 It's a comedy star!

00:20:42.000 Well, the kid's 10, and he's 70. Yeah.

00:20:45.000 Yeah, I mean...

00:20:46.000 So he was 60 when he...

00:20:48.000 Yeah, when he shot one in.

00:20:49.000 Jesus. 0.99

00:20:50.000 Because the thing is, now you just think about how much your cell phone is in your pocket, how many waves are going through your semen all the time. 0.61

00:20:58.000 Oh, you don't put it in your pocket? 0.91

00:20:59.000 I do.

00:20:59.000 You do.

00:21:01.000 Why does everybody think that radiation's bad?

00:21:03.000 Remember when we were kids?

00:21:04.000 The comic book guys got radiation.

00:21:06.000 Don't sit too close to the TV. But they became heroes.

00:21:09.000 Don't sit too close to the TV, they used to tell you.

00:21:11.000 Yeah, they were worried about that.

00:21:12.000 But I think that was for your eyes.

00:21:14.000 Right? 0.99

00:21:15.000 But like radiation in comic books, it always does good shit. 0.99

00:21:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:19.000 You know? 0.99

00:21:20.000 Hmm.

00:21:21.000 I guess you're right.

00:21:22.000 People go radiation when they're ill.

00:21:24.000 It's a healing thing now.

00:21:26.000 Not really.

00:21:27.000 They do to kill the tumor, but it kills you too.

00:21:30.000 It just kills the tumor more than it kills you.

00:21:33.000 It kills the tumor first, and it brings you to the door of death, and then you pull back.

00:21:38.000 Oof.

00:21:39.000 And start drinking wheatgrass juice and getting your life together.

00:21:41.000 That's right.

00:21:42.000 I just started some probiotics online today.

00:21:44.000 Oh, yeah?

00:21:45.000 You should eat actual live probiotics.

00:21:48.000 Oh, really?

00:21:48.000 Yeah, kimchi, yogurt, kefir is good.

00:21:51.000 All that stuff.

00:21:52.000 I'm a big proponent of probiotics.

00:21:54.000 I eat a lot of it, man.

00:21:55.000 It's huge.

00:21:56.000 Like what?

00:21:56.000 What is that?

00:21:57.000 Kimchi, well probiotics is anytime you're taking in like healthy bacteria, like whether it's in the form of yogurt, acidophilus.

00:22:06.000 Sauerkraut is actually a healthy, especially raw sauerkraut.

00:22:10.000 Oh yeah?

00:22:10.000 Actually a very good probiotic.

00:22:12.000 Really good for you.

00:22:13.000 There's a lot of like natural food stores, like Whole Foods type places that have probiotic sauerkraut.

00:22:19.000 Really good for you because it's fermented.

00:22:21.000 Anytime you're fermenting something, what's happening is this bacteria is living on the food.

00:22:31.000 When you're eating kimchi, there's bacteria living on the food, but it's healthy bacteria.

00:22:37.000 Because I fart so bad, and it's been years.

00:22:40.000 I think I caught Giardia when I was down in Florida.

00:22:43.000 Really?

00:22:43.000 You drink it out of a creek?

00:22:45.000 No, tap water in Florida, man.

00:22:46.000 You're not supposed to drink it.

00:22:47.000 It's the worst tap water in America.

00:22:49.000 What?

00:22:50.000 Because it's a sandbar. 0.99

00:22:51.000 There's no fucking fresh water down there. 0.99

00:22:53.000 Yeah, but isn't all tap water treated with chlorine? 1.00

00:22:56.000 Yeah, but there's only so much they can do with that shit down there. 1.00

00:22:59.000 Really? 1.00

00:22:59.000 Look at those people. 1.00

00:23:00.000 And so I started farting, and I went on all kinds of antibiotics, and I got rid of a bulk of it, but the farts have remained.

00:23:08.000 And so somebody told me probiotics can clear it up.

00:23:11.000 Have you ever heard that when people get poop transfusions?

00:23:15.000 No.

00:23:15.000 Yeah, they'll take poop from a healthy person.

00:23:18.000 Yes.

00:23:19.000 Yes.

00:23:19.000 It's a real thing.

00:23:20.000 Ass to ass? 0.97

00:23:21.000 Well, they don't make you go butt to butt with somebody. 1.00

00:23:24.000 I think they go in and fish it out and they shoot it up in you. 1.00

00:23:27.000 But they literally will shoot somebody else's poop up your asshole into your body. 1.00

00:23:32.000 And some people even swallow poop tablets. 1.00

00:23:35.000 Wow.

00:23:36.000 Yeah.

00:23:36.000 Never heard that.

00:23:37.000 Yeah.

00:23:38.000 Yeah.

00:23:39.000 They do to people that have really unhealthy gut biomes.

00:23:44.000 And one of the issues with a lot of people is antibiotics.

00:23:47.000 When you take antibiotics, it doesn't just kill the bad stuff.

00:23:51.000 It kills good stuff, too.

00:23:52.000 Oh, they just had the first woman who couldn't be cured by antibiotics. 1.00

00:23:55.000 Did you read about that?

00:23:56.000 No.

00:23:57.000 Yeah, she had some kind of a... 1.00

00:23:58.000 I don't know what it was.

00:24:00.000 It was some kind of a bacteria.

00:24:02.000 Like MRSA? You know, I wish I knew more about the story, but I don't know.

00:24:08.000 Maybe we can look it up on the internet.

00:24:09.000 But it was the first time that they tried every type of antibiotic, and it didn't work.

00:24:15.000 And they said that this could mark the beginning of untreatable viruses.

00:24:20.000 So bacteria or virus, I guess?

00:24:21.000 Bacteria.

00:24:22.000 Bacterias, right?

00:24:23.000 You don't treat viruses with antibiotics.

00:24:26.000 I don't think so.

00:24:28.000 Antiviral medication is a different thing, I believe.

00:24:30.000 But bacteria, as far as the stuff that you get from staph infections and stuff like that, has gotten stronger and stronger over the years.

00:24:39.000 Especially in hospitals, man. 0.96

00:24:41.000 There's a lot of people that catch MRSA from hospitals and they fucking wind up dying. 0.98

00:24:45.000 It's a big issue. 0.99

00:24:47.000 You guys are really depressing me.

00:24:48.000 I'm sorry.

00:24:49.000 Come on, man.

00:24:49.000 Do you have a light?

00:24:51.000 Yeah, I do.

00:24:53.000 So, we are in the final hours before the inauguration.

00:24:59.000 It's a crazy time.

00:25:01.000 I didn't think that I would be this...

00:25:02.000 I really thought after the election, I would wrap my head around it and I would be like, okay, this is normal.

00:25:08.000 Trump is going to be president.

00:25:09.000 I would have some sense of like, okay, I don't feel any more...

00:25:21.000 No, it's weird.

00:25:22.000 It's 100% weird.

00:25:24.000 I was watching this video that someone was playing on their Instagram page where they were there while Trump was walking into this room in D.C. and surrounded by Secret Service agents.

00:25:34.000 And all these sycophants and all these weird people around him, and this guy's yelling out, Thank you, Mr. Trump.

00:25:40.000 Thank you.

00:25:41.000 You are a godsend, sir.

00:25:43.000 You are a god.

00:25:43.000 Andrew Santino, ladies and gentlemen, come on in.

00:25:47.000 Have a seat, fella.

00:25:49.000 You're coming in right at the time Jeff Ross is handing you a joint.

00:25:53.000 Oh, thank you, Jeff.

00:25:54.000 Thank you.

00:25:55.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Santino, live Netflix special on the way.

00:25:59.000 Trump supporter, by the way.

00:26:00.000 He voted five times.

00:26:01.000 Huge, huge Trump supporter.

00:26:03.000 I voted as many times as I could.

00:26:04.000 I kept doing it.

00:26:05.000 He had a fake ID, pretended to be Mexican.

00:26:09.000 I did, actually.

00:26:10.000 Yeah, I became Andrew Santino.

00:26:14.000 So I switched it up.

00:26:15.000 Yeah, Santino.

00:26:17.000 Yeah, Santiago.

00:26:18.000 Yeah, big, big Trump supporter.

00:26:20.000 Fitz, you are, too.

00:26:21.000 Well, I'll just say right now, ladies, get your abortions before noon tomorrow. 1.00

00:26:26.000 Don't you think Trump's had a lot of girls get abortions?

00:26:29.000 I think he's going to back off of that. 0.99

00:26:30.000 Are you shitting me? 0.88

00:26:31.000 He's got a frequent fetus card. 0.99

00:26:33.000 Oh yeah, he's driven a few ladies off into the clinic. 1.00

00:26:37.000 Of course.

00:26:38.000 Absolutely.

00:26:39.000 That's his thing.

00:26:40.000 Well, they were saying that about G.W. Bush, is that there was a pretty well-documented case when he was in college, where did he go to Texas or something?

00:26:47.000 Yeah, probably.

00:26:49.000 He went to college? 0.99

00:26:50.000 He went to fucking Yale, didn't he? 1.00

00:26:53.000 No. 1.00

00:26:54.000 Yeah.

00:26:54.000 Warton School of Business, right?

00:26:56.000 No, that's Trump.

00:26:57.000 Talking about G.W. Oh, okay.

00:26:59.000 Didn't he?

00:26:59.000 Yeah.

00:27:00.000 I think he did go to Yale, didn't he?

00:27:01.000 He went to Yale, yeah.

00:27:02.000 Yeah, because he was in the Scull and Bones, right?

00:27:03.000 Yeah, G.W. All the Bushes went to Yale. 0.97

00:27:06.000 Right.

00:27:07.000 That's one of those grandfathered in things, though, right?

00:27:10.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:10.000 How about George and Barbara Bush doing double suicides?

00:27:14.000 You could have to go into the inauguration.

00:27:18.000 What are they doing?

00:27:19.000 They're both in the hospital.

00:27:20.000 Really?

00:27:21.000 Yeah, they're both dying right now.

00:27:22.000 Why don't we just stop taking our medication?

00:27:29.000 What do you think, Georgie?

00:27:30.000 Maybe we should stop taking our medical.

00:27:33.000 We won't have to go to the inauguration.

00:27:35.000 What medicine?

00:27:36.000 Who are you?

00:27:38.000 I want to go skydiving.

00:27:40.000 Why is Martha Washington in my bedroom?

00:27:42.000 Jeff, put that down. 0.71

00:27:44.000 I didn't see him for years, and then I saw him recently, and he was in a wheelchair on some interview and some video, and it made you realize, like, wow.

00:27:51.000 It's been a while since you saw him.

00:27:53.000 It's crazy to think that Carter's still alive and W is still alive.

00:27:57.000 How old's Carter?

00:27:58.000 He's old.

00:27:59.000 He was old when he was president in 76. Was he?

00:28:03.000 Yeah, he was already old.

00:28:05.000 Yeah.

00:28:06.000 He was an interesting guy, man.

00:28:08.000 Carter didn't really get a fair shake.

00:28:11.000 Go to the Presidential Library.

00:28:13.000 Carter's in Atlanta is awesome.

00:28:15.000 You should check it out.

00:28:16.000 Well, I heard some speeches that he gave before when he was running for president.

00:28:20.000 Back when Hunter S. Thompson recorded a speech that he gave at one of those Washington's.

00:28:27.000 Is it out?

00:28:27.000 No.

00:28:31.000 You want some more of this?

00:28:32.000 I'm good.

00:28:34.000 I'm good too.

00:28:36.000 Jesus.

00:28:37.000 It was in that movie, Fear and Loathing.

00:28:40.000 Not Fear and Loathing, the other one.

00:28:42.000 Gonzo, the life and works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, the documentary on him.

00:28:46.000 Really interesting, man.

00:28:47.000 Carter was a pretty intense and moral guy.

00:28:51.000 Very powerfully so.

00:28:53.000 He was a good Christian.

00:28:55.000 He was the good kind of Christian.

00:28:57.000 The good kind.

00:28:58.000 Well, because I think people can use Christianity as a way of feeling better then, or it can be a life of service.

00:29:05.000 And he was very much a life of service.

00:29:07.000 The way that my dad goes to church still, just because he just likes the people that are there more so than anything else. 0.97

00:29:14.000 He's like, I just want to go see fucking people that I've known for For 40 years. 0.98

00:29:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:29:18.000 He's like, I don't really listen ever. 0.99

00:29:20.000 I mean, like, my dad is notorious to just falling asleep every single time.

00:29:24.000 Yeah, he's just there to, like, see some friends before and after.

00:29:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:27.000 It's a fucking, it's a club. 1.00

00:29:28.000 But do you think, I mean, because here's, I go back and forth on religion because it's so easy to take, like, the, uh... 1.00

00:29:35.000 You know, the agnostic root and say that all religion is evil and all that. 0.98

00:29:39.000 But it's like so much good shit has happened because of organized religion. 1.00

00:29:43.000 I mean, look at what the Jews have done in this country with just fucking hospitals alone. 1.00

00:29:49.000 And then you got Christians that have gone to Central America, you know, nuns that have fucking saved villages. 0.99

00:29:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:29:55.000 For sure. 0.99

00:29:56.000 Yeah, there's tons of good stuff. 1.00

00:29:57.000 I think the cheap fucking route is to say that religion sucks just because that's an easy blanket to go, fuck religion, it's just caused every war, it's the worst thing. 1.00

00:30:06.000 It's like, yeah, there's a lot of fucking negatives to it. 1.00

00:30:08.000 You know, they blamed it on every war, but war is something that's caused by people. 0.97

00:30:13.000 People would have found a reason to go to war.

00:30:15.000 They go to war because they're apes. 0.53

00:30:17.000 They go to war because apes fight against apes. 0.89

00:30:20.000 It's like they're always dominating for that alpha position. 0.99

00:30:22.000 If they're blaming it on religion, it's just a convenient reason to go fuck somebody up. 0.99

00:30:27.000 They would have done it because they had diamonds or they'd do it for oil. 0.99

00:30:31.000 Yeah, that's the thing in Ireland.

00:30:32.000 They try to pretend that it's a war between the Protestants and the Catholics. 1.00

00:30:36.000 No, it's the fucking Brits trying to colonize and destroy a population of people. 1.00

00:30:41.000 That's it. 1.00

00:30:42.000 And people get tribal.

00:30:44.000 People will fight. 1.00

00:30:45.000 The fucking Raiders will fight the Eagles. 1.00

00:30:48.000 The fans will meet in the parking lot and have a fucking gang war. 1.00

00:30:53.000 That's just what people do. 0.99

00:30:55.000 For a shirt color.

00:30:56.000 That's just what people do.

00:30:57.000 Didn't they beat some guy almost to death?

00:31:01.000 Dodger Stadium.

00:31:02.000 Yeah, he put him in a coma.

00:31:04.000 Horrible, man.

00:31:04.000 San Francisco fan.

00:31:05.000 Some guy with his kid, right?

00:31:07.000 Yeah, kids.

00:31:08.000 He had his kids with him and two dudes just stopped him.

00:31:10.000 I think the kid was autistic.

00:31:13.000 Was he?

00:31:13.000 He just went for it.

00:31:14.000 I was going to say.

00:31:17.000 His instincts took over.

00:31:20.000 He was autistic, yeah.

00:31:21.000 It's just crazy how tribal people are. 1.00

00:31:23.000 And that's one of the things that you're seeing with this election, too.

00:31:26.000 Whether you're a Trump supporter or a Hillary supporter or a Bernie supporter, whatever, if you just can step back from it for a second and look at it objectively, what you're seeing is these people that are like blindly loyal to one side or the other.

00:31:40.000 And then you just see giant clumps of them that move in that direction.

00:31:44.000 And very few people who look at it and have a balanced perspective that's outside of an ideology.

00:31:51.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:52.000 Very few people are going, well, we got...

00:31:55.000 This guy who won a popularity contest, and he's the first actually popular person who won this popularity contest.

00:32:01.000 And everybody else who's been in this popularity contest has just been in this one select group.

00:32:06.000 So in that sense, it's a good thing because it's going to be a disruptive thing.

00:32:11.000 And this system is not good. 0.99

00:32:13.000 It's not good to have the same fucking families run the country over and over again. 1.00

00:32:17.000 Have the same bureaucracy, the same red tape, all the shit that people have had to deal with when it comes to politics. 0.99

00:32:22.000 It's not a perfect system. 0.97

00:32:23.000 And it's not getting improved.

00:32:25.000 And one of the reasons it doesn't get improved is because the people that run the system, they have a concerted...

00:32:31.000 There's a great benefit for them to keep the system in place.

00:32:35.000 There's plenty of jobs.

00:32:36.000 There's plenty of people doing it.

00:32:37.000 There's plenty of red tape.

00:32:38.000 There's plenty of confusion.

00:32:39.000 There's plenty of...

00:32:50.000 Mm-hmm.

00:32:58.000 Well, not only that, it's all projections by the big business to say there's even a right and a left.

00:33:06.000 They're pulling the strings on both sides.

00:33:10.000 I remember coming around the store and listening to people at the beginning of Trump's campaign.

00:33:17.000 You know, like, vehemently hating him so much.

00:33:19.000 And that kind of, like, extremism was the same for, like, Bernie support.

00:33:23.000 Like, the Bernie chaos, like, the Bernie thing was crazy. 0.99

00:33:26.000 I mean, it was like the same kind of crazy, chaotic, like, fuck anybody but Bernie. 0.99

00:33:30.000 And the Trump supporters were the same way. 1.00

00:33:32.000 It was like, fuck anybody but Donald Trump. 1.00

00:33:34.000 It was like extremes on both sides. 1.00

00:33:36.000 And it's the same thing.

00:33:37.000 At some point, you're at a level playing, right?

00:33:40.000 Zero is the same as 100. You know what I mean?

00:33:42.000 Like, if I said... 0.95

00:33:44.000 If I said to a friend of mine, how gay are you on a percentage scale zero to 100, and if a guy says 100, okay, he's gay. 0.91

00:33:52.000 And then if a guy says, second guy says, oh yeah, I'm 48, I'd be like, okay, I get that.

00:33:56.000 Yeah.

00:33:57.000 Yeah, Jeff.

00:33:59.000 Me. 1.00

00:34:00.000 But then if a guy says, I'm zero, fuck that. 1.00

00:34:03.000 It's the same as the 100 guy. 1.00

00:34:05.000 The extremism is the same.

00:34:06.000 It's just a different angle. 0.85

00:34:08.000 But there's not enough people that are 40% gay.

00:34:10.000 There's not enough people in the middle of it all.

00:34:12.000 Yeah, and a lot of people try to say, I actually really am independent.

00:34:16.000 And it's like, I wish, but then you talk to them a little bit, and they're on one side or the other.

00:34:21.000 It's very difficult because there's no truth anymore.

00:34:23.000 There's no paper.

00:34:25.000 It used to be like, if you watched CBS, NBC, ABC News, there was a journalistic integrity that they subscribed to, and both sides said, these are the facts.

00:34:36.000 There's no news outlet any longer that both sides...

00:34:40.000 Look at!

00:34:41.000 No.

00:34:41.000 That's a really important point.

00:34:43.000 I mean, it's very clear.

00:34:46.000 It's cut and dry.

00:34:47.000 How did that happen?

00:34:48.000 I don't know.

00:34:49.000 I'm curious to know when it happened.

00:34:50.000 At what time period of politics did that become?

00:34:54.000 The notion of the shift of an obvious, this is precisely who we're for, and it's clear.

00:35:00.000 I was watching CNN and Fox News back and forth after the debate.

00:35:07.000 And it was so fascinating, man.

00:35:09.000 It was like, who is telling the truth?

00:35:11.000 What is happening here?

00:35:12.000 These are two totally different stories.

00:35:14.000 And they're so clear on one side or the other.

00:35:19.000 Like Fox News...

00:35:20.000 Excuse me.

00:35:22.000 It was so clear on Trump's side.

00:35:24.000 And CNN was so clear on Hillary's side.

00:35:27.000 It was so obvious.

00:35:29.000 They switched places in one day.

00:35:30.000 They were concentrating.

00:35:31.000 CNN and Fox News, they just switched places overnight.

00:35:35.000 Well, it's crazy how one of them became...

00:35:37.000 CNN's the fear network and Fox News is the reality.

00:35:41.000 Well, what news do you follow, Jeff?

00:35:43.000 I follow it all.

00:35:44.000 I don't follow any news.

00:35:45.000 I watch...

00:35:46.000 And read a lot of news.

00:35:48.000 You have like an aggregator on your phone that pulls from different news sources?

00:35:53.000 I just tend to search up topics.

00:35:57.000 Be curious what Chris Christie's up to this week.

00:36:00.000 Or Al Franken.

00:36:01.000 Or I'll just get someone on my mind.

00:36:03.000 Sometimes I'll go to Politico and usually there's a great angle that you hadn't thought of.

00:36:07.000 Politico and Guardian are good.

00:36:09.000 For different angles.

00:36:11.000 Yeah, Guardian's good.

00:36:12.000 Yeah, because they're...

00:36:13.000 You know, they're outside.

00:36:14.000 Well, originally, I guess there's a lot of their writers are Americans now, right?

00:36:18.000 Did you see the Guardian?

00:36:20.000 Initially it was UK. Are you okay?

00:36:21.000 You want some water?

00:36:22.000 Yeah, I'm good, dude.

00:36:23.000 I don't know what's going on.

00:36:23.000 That weed's strong.

00:36:24.000 Did you see that Guardian article by Glenn Greenwald about this unsubstantiated attacks on Trump?

00:36:33.000 It was really interesting.

00:36:35.000 What, like fake news?

00:36:36.000 Yeah.

00:36:38.000 And he was talking about what Eisenhower warned about, the military industrial complex.

00:36:44.000 I was like, wow, this is a crazy, bold article.

00:36:47.000 And they predicted a Trump-like figure rising up.

00:36:49.000 Well, it's not just that.

00:36:51.000 He's talking about how the deep state is attacking Trump.

00:36:55.000 That's what he's bringing up, that the deep state is attacking him and going after him.

00:37:00.000 And that the CIA and the intelligence agencies, they're making some sort of a concerted effort.

00:37:06.000 To single him out and go after him and destroy his person.

00:37:10.000 Destroy his public persona. 0.89

00:37:15.000 And that's where all the urine thing came from. 0.93

00:37:18.000 When you get into politics, all this stuff blows up.

00:37:23.000 Those stories are crazy. 0.98

00:37:25.000 The FBI doesn't give a fuck about politics. 0.99

00:37:27.000 They care about the FBI. And if anybody crosses them the way Trump already has, they're going to try to bury him. 0.98

00:37:33.000 Yeah.

00:37:34.000 I mean, think about that.

00:37:35.000 When has there ever been a time where an unsubstantiated story about a guy who's the president-elect about peeing on beds?

00:37:43.000 When is there ever?

00:37:44.000 They've talked about that so openly.

00:37:46.000 Yeah.

00:37:47.000 It's been so open that his last press conference, he shut down the rumor by saying he's a germaphobe.

00:37:53.000 He's a germaphobe! 1.00

00:37:54.000 That's how massive of a story that is, that during one of the most important press conferences, he addressed that fucking thing. 1.00

00:38:01.000 He had to. 0.99

00:38:02.000 And it didn't stop there.

00:38:03.000 Then he went on to talk about, well, you know, everybody knows his camera's in the room. 1.00

00:38:06.000 I mean, you know, what am I, stupid? 0.99

00:38:08.000 It wasn't about, what am I, immoral? 1.00

00:38:10.000 It was, what am I, stupid? 1.00

00:38:13.000 That is so crazy. 1.00

00:38:16.000 Yeah.

00:38:17.000 And then you watch how he...

00:38:18.000 I don't think I've ever seen...

00:38:19.000 I mean, this might be me being ignorant, but I don't know if I've ever seen a president in a press conference or president-elect shut down a source like he did CNN and was like, I won't talk to you.

00:38:30.000 I don't know if I've ever seen a president single one out and then... 0.96

00:38:34.000 They probably slyly ignore certain journalists that they don't want to fucking talk to, but I've never seen one be like, I don't talk to CNN. I don't talk to that news source. 0.95

00:38:41.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:38:41.000 Well, I think that there's a protocol for who you go to first. 1.00

00:38:44.000 For years, the first question always went to that one old woman from the Associated Press.

00:38:50.000 Yeah, from the AP, yeah.

00:38:51.000 She was always the first question.

00:38:53.000 And then after that, I think there was a certain pecking order to it.

00:38:58.000 And Trump just basically said...

00:39:01.000 I'm going to choose what news and questions you guys hear from now on.

00:39:07.000 The press corps is no longer traveling with him.

00:39:10.000 It's the first time a president has not had the press corps with him at all times.

00:39:15.000 His reasoning was, he was like, what are you going to watch me eat food?

00:39:19.000 That's what he thought that they were at.

00:39:20.000 He's like, no, they're interested in what's going on.

00:39:24.000 They're interested in what this conversation you might be having with someone of some sense of importance. 0.99

00:39:29.000 But he was like, I don't want you watching me do simple shit. 1.00

00:39:32.000 But that's just part of their fucking gig. 1.00

00:39:35.000 That's what they've always done. 0.99

00:39:36.000 And then I think about that. 0.99

00:39:38.000 How much simple shit have they seen where it's so annoying? 1.00

00:39:41.000 At some point, they've got to be like, fuck, this is so boring. 1.00

00:39:44.000 Especially when they get on Air Force One and they're going to fucking Russia for 10 hours and they're just sitting around so they can do a 30-second photo op and yell questions at them and then another 10-hour flight home. 0.99

00:39:54.000 Imagine one of the guys in the group is just like, I think I'm going to go talk to him. 0.97

00:39:58.000 The other guy's like, don't do it.

00:40:00.000 Don't go in his room, dude.

00:40:02.000 It's like, what?

00:40:02.000 I think we're cool now, man.

00:40:04.000 We've had some moments, you know?

00:40:05.000 I feel like, don't be that guy. 0.99

00:40:07.000 And then the rest of the nine-hour plane flight is fucking miserable. 0.94

00:40:10.000 When he was praising Kanye West for supporting him, I remember watching that on TV and going, is this real life? 0.98

00:40:17.000 Yeah, it was a trip.

00:40:18.000 Is this real life? 0.98

00:40:19.000 Wait, I read the greatest, I wish I know the source, just because I don't want to fucking say somebody else's shit, but there was just a meme floating around on the internet that said, I bet you, eight years ago, when Obama gained presidency, there were so many fucking extremists going, 0.97

00:40:35.000 I bet you the first people he's going to talk to are rappers and Steve Harvey. 0.98

00:40:39.000 laughter And then you see Trump just drags in rappers.

00:40:46.000 I loved it. 0.99

00:40:47.000 I was like, that's so fucking true. 0.99

00:40:49.000 How many white extremists were like, he's going to talk to rappers in the White House and it's Trump that's doing it? 0.99

00:40:56.000 It's great.

00:40:57.000 It's so funny.

00:40:58.000 Who else is he talking to?

00:40:59.000 Who else is he publicly talking to?

00:41:02.000 Don King.

00:41:03.000 Don King.

00:41:05.000 Yeah, he loves Don King.

00:41:06.000 But they've had a relationship in the past.

00:41:08.000 So they go back.

00:41:10.000 So this is almost like he gets to invite his actual friends into this world.

00:41:13.000 Do you remember when Obama was in trouble?

00:41:16.000 All his friends are getting ambassadorships.

00:41:17.000 It's going to be crazy.

00:41:18.000 No, not Christy.

00:41:21.000 Christie's getting nothing.

00:41:22.000 Nothing?

00:41:22.000 I don't mean his political friends.

00:41:25.000 I mean his friends.

00:41:26.000 Yeah, his life friends.

00:41:27.000 His lawyer, his buddies.

00:41:30.000 Do you guys remember when it was a big deal that Obama was attached to that really radical professor who was one of the weathermen?

00:41:37.000 Is that what it was?

00:41:38.000 Is that what they called themselves? 0.99

00:41:39.000 And they were doing acid and having orgies and shit and robbing banks or something. 0.99

00:41:43.000 And he was a part of that in some way. 0.99

00:41:46.000 And he was a professor that Obama knew in college.

00:41:50.000 And it was always this big controversy that he knew this radical terrorist. 1.00

00:41:54.000 That Obama is like some fucking sleeper guy. 0.98

00:41:58.000 No, but he did have to distance himself from the guy because the guy did have some very pro-secession. 0.99

00:42:06.000 What do they call it? 0.94

00:42:07.000 The blacks that think you should return to Africa and whites should pay for it. 0.99

00:42:11.000 He was one of those guys. 0.99

00:42:14.000 Secessionist?

00:42:14.000 Yeah, I guess that would be.

00:42:17.000 Secessionist?

00:42:18.000 Secessionist.

00:42:19.000 Secession, right?

00:42:20.000 Secession, yeah, to secede.

00:42:21.000 So, no, he had to back off from that guy.

00:42:23.000 But it's, what about the guy who marched?

00:42:27.000 Have you guys seen his brother? 0.99

00:42:29.000 Do you know about his brother on fucking Twitter? 1.00

00:42:32.000 Obama's brother. 1.00

00:42:33.000 Do you know this account?

00:42:33.000 Have you heard about this?

00:42:34.000 No.

00:42:35.000 There's like a guy who's saying he's his brother and he's like, I don't support him, I support Trump.

00:42:41.000 You haven't seen this?

00:42:42.000 He's pretending to be his brother?

00:42:43.000 You saw this?

00:42:44.000 Yeah.

00:42:44.000 Yeah, this is...

00:42:45.000 He's a half-brother.

00:42:46.000 He's a half-brother.

00:42:47.000 That is fake news.

00:42:49.000 It probably is.

00:42:50.000 Who knows?

00:42:51.000 I saw Obama talking about fake news.

00:42:53.000 He was talking about it, too.

00:42:54.000 I think that was fake. 1.00

00:42:55.000 But Trump was fucking talking... 0.99

00:42:57.000 Trump was talking to this dude, like... 1.00

00:43:00.000 Thanks for the support.

00:43:01.000 Thanks for not supporting your half-brother.

00:43:03.000 Well, I mean, you want to talk about fake news. 0.99

00:43:05.000 How about Trump ran around for three years saying that fucking Obama wasn't born in this country? 0.99

00:43:11.000 I know. 1.00

00:43:11.000 That was crazy! 1.00

00:43:12.000 I mean, that was the beginning of fake news.

00:43:14.000 Let me see his ID. Yeah.

00:43:15.000 Let me see his birth certificate.

00:43:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:17.000 And then the irony, now Trump won't show his fucking taxes. 1.00

00:43:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:43:23.000 He won't, and because his excuse is, even after the audit's over, what do people need to see now? 0.99

00:43:28.000 Like, That's the reasoning.

00:43:30.000 What do you want to see? 0.78

00:43:32.000 If I get audited and I fucking deal with the government through the audit, what do you need to know other than we're taking care of it?

00:43:39.000 I think people want to know how much money he has borrowed from China and Russia. 0.50

00:43:43.000 Yeah.

00:43:44.000 Because that could really affect his policy decisions.

00:43:47.000 Absolutely.

00:43:49.000 I thought that that was like one of the things that you had to divulge your income.

00:43:52.000 You do.

00:43:53.000 Wasn't that a deal with Howard?

00:43:54.000 That's why Howard didn't eventually like really run for governor after a certain point because they wanted him to divulge his taxes.

00:44:00.000 That's how they found out he hasn't paid his taxes.

00:44:03.000 He doesn't pay taxes because of his major loss a long time ago.

00:44:07.000 Oh, that was that weird thing, right?

00:44:09.000 The Atlantic City Laws?

00:44:09.000 He had to make some disclosure, but it's a general summary of his income.

00:44:16.000 It would also say how much...

00:44:17.000 It's like where he has money in certain types of ways, but it's not his income taxes where you know what he spent on phone calls and security and everything. 0.99

00:44:24.000 It's just investments and shit. 0.85

00:44:26.000 It would also tell you how much he's donated to charity, which he doesn't want people to know. 0.98

00:44:29.000 Uh-uh.

00:44:30.000 I mean, he created his own charitable, what do you call it?

00:44:35.000 Charity.

00:44:35.000 Yeah, charitable fund.

00:44:37.000 Charitable charity.

00:44:38.000 Charitable charity.

00:44:39.000 And apparently he hasn't given any money to it in like two or three years.

00:44:43.000 It's just been money he solicited from people on the outside to give to his charity that then he disperses.

00:44:48.000 Yeah, that's so crazy.

00:44:50.000 But that's the whole thing.

00:44:50.000 Then do we know that that's real too?

00:44:53.000 I don't know.

00:44:54.000 I would like to think that's got to be true, but then I'm like, I don't know.

00:44:59.000 No, because they can solicit the records of his charity.

00:45:03.000 Of the non-profit.

00:45:03.000 Right, right, right.

00:45:04.000 But they can't do it for his personal and private.

00:45:07.000 That's so nuts.

00:45:08.000 Game over.

00:45:09.000 He'll be president for 20 years.

00:45:11.000 He's going to change it?

00:45:13.000 He's going to step aside, let his buddy take over like Putin did in Russia, and then eventually one of his kids or something.

00:45:19.000 This is it.

00:45:20.000 Hello.

00:45:21.000 Game over.

00:45:22.000 Get on board.

00:45:23.000 Game over.

00:45:23.000 You really think so?

00:45:25.000 Yeah.

00:45:25.000 Chris Rock was saying that on stage, or a bit wrapped around that.

00:45:30.000 It was very funny.

00:45:31.000 And I was stopping at the thing.

00:45:33.000 I was like, we're all laughing.

00:45:34.000 Yeah.

00:45:35.000 But if something like that did happen, if it wasn't Trump, if it was somebody like that, maybe it's the next guy to figure out how to do it like that.

00:45:41.000 We essentially exposed the personality contest.

00:45:47.000 You expose the flaw in it.

00:45:48.000 You're not looking for the best leader.

00:45:50.000 You're looking for the person who's got the best personality for the job.

00:45:54.000 The person who's got the best story.

00:45:56.000 It's a reality show. 1.00

00:45:57.000 Which is why he fucking won. 0.99

00:45:59.000 Scott Adams, the guy who wrote Dilbert, he's a really, really smart guy. 0.99

00:46:03.000 And he predicted Trump winning a long time ago.

00:46:05.000 And the reason why he predicted it, he said he's the most persuasive guy I've ever seen.

00:46:09.000 He's incredibly persuasive.

00:46:11.000 He just understands the art of persuasion extremely well.

00:46:14.000 And he's like, just if you looked at it mathematically, this guy has a really good chance, and he predicted he was going to be president. 1.00

00:46:21.000 And people gave him so much shit. 0.99

00:46:22.000 And he doesn't even vote. 1.00

00:46:24.000 He's a really interesting guy.

00:46:26.000 Very, very smart guy.

00:46:27.000 And he wasn't saying that Trump was going to be president because he was this big Trump supporter, and he was...

00:46:31.000 It wasn't that.

00:46:32.000 He was looking at it pragmatically.

00:46:35.000 He was like, this guy has incredible abilities of persuasion.

00:46:39.000 Well, he's broken every single rule.

00:46:43.000 Every conventional wisdom about running for president, he broke and won. 0.98

00:46:47.000 So now it's like, like you said, Jeff, who fucking knows? 0.97

00:46:50.000 Who knows? 0.94

00:46:52.000 There's nothing normal anymore.

00:46:54.000 Do you think he gets two terms easy and then...

00:46:58.000 After that, he's just going to line up people.

00:47:00.000 Then there's no more terms.

00:47:01.000 No more terms.

00:47:03.000 No more terms.

00:47:04.000 That's it.

00:47:05.000 No.

00:47:05.000 Then it's just...

00:47:06.000 There's no more voting.

00:47:07.000 You really think so?

00:47:09.000 I feel like it's going to get interesting.

00:47:12.000 I feel like he locks up his own military.

00:47:14.000 It's going to start...

00:47:16.000 He's already marginalized the press.

00:47:17.000 He's told his followers that the press is lying.

00:47:21.000 You're not arresting him.

00:47:22.000 You're not impeaching him.

00:47:23.000 He's staying in the White House for like two nights a week.

00:47:25.000 He's not moving into that place. 0.99

00:47:26.000 He's not even moving to fucking D.C. He's going to stay in New York. 0.99

00:47:30.000 He's having a satellite White House in New York City.

00:47:32.000 He wants a satellite in Manhattan.

00:47:34.000 You should have seen the video.

00:47:35.000 The way he operates, there's no way he's going to the White House and having all that around him.

00:47:39.000 No chance.

00:47:40.000 I don't think so.

00:47:41.000 You know what's so funny?

00:47:42.000 I think for a little while, to make it look good, but... 0.95

00:47:45.000 I am fucking freaking out right now. 0.99

00:47:47.000 People in New York are bullshit about the traffic around us. 0.99

00:47:51.000 But then again, he might like it there and stay. 0.98

00:47:53.000 I could see him going, you know what?

00:47:54.000 It's not so bad.

00:47:55.000 He likes it when he can rub elbows with famous people.

00:47:58.000 That's what's so funny about this inauguration weekend for him is that he couldn't get any celebrities and that's all he really cares about.

00:48:05.000 That was the most important thing.

00:48:07.000 And then he got that one young...

00:48:08.000 They offered it to that one young singer, that chick, and she said, I'll do it.

00:48:13.000 If I can sing... 1.00

00:48:15.000 Oh, what is that fucking song? 1.00

00:48:20.000 It's about slavery in America and about black people swinging from the trees. 1.00

00:48:26.000 Sweet Home Alabama? 0.98

00:48:27.000 Yes, that's the one.

00:48:28.000 That's it.

00:48:30.000 But she basically was like, I'll do it if you let me sing this song.

00:48:35.000 And of course they were like, no, absolutely not.

00:48:37.000 But she was just like, I'll come do it.

00:48:38.000 Because every artist in the world was like, I'm not singing there.

00:48:40.000 Absolutely not.

00:48:41.000 No chance, no chance, no chance.

00:48:43.000 How strange is that?

00:48:44.000 Have you ever heard anything like that?

00:48:46.000 Where there's no artist that you know about that want to go to that? 1.00

00:48:50.000 There's one country guy and he's fucking nuts. 0.98

00:48:54.000 Who's the country guy? 1.00

00:48:57.000 What was the country guy's name who sang?

00:48:59.000 Is it Hank Williams Jr.?

00:49:01.000 Leo Greenwood or whatever?

00:49:03.000 No.

00:49:04.000 No, bigger.

00:49:05.000 This guy's huge.

00:49:06.000 Toby Keith.

00:49:08.000 Toby Keith? 1.00

00:49:09.000 That guy's fucking massive. 1.00

00:49:11.000 He's massive. 1.00

00:49:12.000 I think it was tonight, actually.

00:49:14.000 Colby Teeth? 0.60

00:49:15.000 Colby Teeth! 1.00

00:49:16.000 It's Colby Keith, Lee Greenwood, and Three Doors Down were the main.

00:49:19.000 Three Doors Down.

00:49:22.000 They're every band you've never heard.

00:49:24.000 They have that one song.

00:49:26.000 They have one big star.

00:49:27.000 What is it?

00:49:29.000 Roseanne Barr is singing the national anthem.

00:49:33.000 That's a good song.

00:49:34.000 Is she really?

00:49:35.000 Yeah, but they're done.

00:49:37.000 They're done.

00:49:38.000 That's a good song.

00:49:40.000 If I go crazy, man, will you still call me Superman?

00:49:43.000 Is that it?

00:49:44.000 I don't know.

00:49:45.000 Is that it?

00:49:46.000 If I go crazy...

00:49:47.000 Yeah, it is a good song.

00:49:48.000 Are they going to sing that for him? 0.98

00:49:50.000 You know, they had a Bruce Springsteen cover band booked and they fucking cancelled. 0.95

00:49:56.000 Yeah, you didn't hear about this? 0.97

00:49:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:59.000 Sorry, Don.

00:50:03.000 We're born to run. 0.98

00:50:05.000 Well, they were going to do it, and then they got so much shit from their fans, and then they said, we're stepping down out of respect to the boss. 0.99

00:50:10.000 Is that what they said? 0.99

00:50:11.000 Did he issue a statement?

00:50:13.000 Did the boss say anything about it?

00:50:15.000 I don't think he had to.

00:50:16.000 The boss is not like Trump.

00:50:18.000 I was wondering if he publicly made a statement about the cover band playing.

00:50:23.000 No, I think Bruce's fans were very vocal with these guys. 0.91

00:50:26.000 Everybody who probably got an email about some fucking gig is like, I turned it down. 0.95

00:50:32.000 These guys were signed up. 0.98

00:50:34.000 But that is a good play.

00:50:36.000 That's a good publicity move.

00:50:38.000 Yeah, it is.

00:50:38.000 I bet you could find a comic that would do it in a heartbeat.

00:50:42.000 Who do you think would do it?

00:50:43.000 I'm sure there's a bunch of people that would do it.

00:50:45.000 Brody Stevens would do it.

00:50:46.000 I heard Marlee Maitland is going to sing.

00:50:55.000 I heard they got David Bowie.

00:51:01.000 They're going to get holograms.

00:51:03.000 Celebrities against their will.

00:51:04.000 That's what he would do.

00:51:06.000 He'd get a prince hologram.

00:51:07.000 I know this.

00:51:09.000 For the inaugural parade, Secret Service is on high alert in case Donald tries to attack somebody.

00:51:17.000 Why didn't Kanye play it?

00:51:19.000 He's at another inauguration.

00:51:23.000 He said he's not American enough or something.

00:51:26.000 What?

00:51:26.000 I'll find the quote real quick.

00:51:28.000 Even the people that are doing it are not necessarily saying they support Trump.

00:51:31.000 They're saying that they're supporting patriotism.

00:51:34.000 They need the money.

00:51:35.000 They need the money.

00:51:37.000 Toby Keith's supporting Trump.

00:51:38.000 He is.

00:51:39.000 He came up on stage with a red Dixie cup and cheered him.

00:51:43.000 Did a big cheers.

00:51:44.000 I swear to God.

00:51:46.000 Oh my God.

00:51:48.000 Jesus Christ.

00:51:49.000 He's not traditionally American enough is sort of the quote they said.

00:51:53.000 Who said that?

00:51:54.000 Trump's team that was asked, the inauguration committee, that Kanye is not American enough. 0.99

00:52:02.000 That's so ridiculous. 0.93

00:52:04.000 What does that even mean? 0.99

00:52:05.000 I don't know.

00:52:09.000 Not American enough? 0.88

00:52:10.000 Look at Kid Rock.

00:52:11.000 I'm surprised Kid Rock didn't do it.

00:52:12.000 How is Kid Rock not on the card?

00:52:14.000 I don't know what kind of show you think this is.

00:52:18.000 Anyone they can get.

00:52:20.000 Who knows?

00:52:21.000 I don't know what it is.

00:52:21.000 Did you guys see this?

00:52:22.000 Ted Nugent grabbing his dick at the Trump rally? 1.00

00:52:25.000 Oh, he was there? 1.00

00:52:26.000 Have you not seen this video? 1.00

00:52:27.000 He was grabbing his dick? 1.00

00:52:29.000 No, this was up in Michigan. 1.00

00:52:31.000 This is a great video of Ted Nugent.

00:52:33.000 If you have never seen this...

00:52:34.000 ...born and raised to be a productive American in the asset column by that spirit of real Michigan.

00:52:43.000 That spirit...

00:52:50.000 He's dressed like a fisherman in a row.

00:52:54.000 Do you have that? 1.00

00:53:03.000 He just grabbed his dick and he said, I got your blue state right here, baby. 1.00

00:53:07.000 Ted Nugent, baby. 1.00

00:53:09.000 He's very happy.

00:53:10.000 You're a big Nugent fan.

00:53:11.000 Love to.

00:53:11.000 Cat scratch fever.

00:53:12.000 Dude, Stranglehold. 1.00

00:53:14.000 Great fucking song. 1.00

00:53:15.000 I got your blue state right here. 1.00

00:53:17.000 It's amazing. 1.00

00:53:18.000 Someone Funny or Die did a thing where they kept zooming in on him grabbing his penis to accentuate the physical hold of his penis. 1.00

00:53:26.000 Oh, he actually went for it? 1.00

00:53:27.000 Yeah, no, no.

00:53:28.000 He physically grabs it.

00:53:29.000 It looks like he's holding onto a lighter.

00:53:31.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:53:32.000 And they fucking kept punching in on it to show him doing it. 0.99

00:53:35.000 When did he do that? 0.99

00:53:37.000 When did that take place?

00:53:38.000 This was at a rally in, I think it's Michigan.

00:53:41.000 Do you have it up there?

00:53:42.000 Really recently?

00:53:43.000 I'm going to see.

00:53:46.000 I just got it sent.

00:53:47.000 That happened along the campaign trail.

00:53:48.000 Yeah, it was on the campaign trail.

00:53:49.000 It was a while ago.

00:53:51.000 Yeah, it was a while ago.

00:53:52.000 I was doing a late crazy thing.

00:53:54.000 The victory tour.

00:53:55.000 How do you win the election and then go to the states you won?

00:53:57.000 Wouldn't you go to the states that you lost and see what they have to say?

00:54:01.000 Yeah, this is a different experience.

00:54:03.000 And then going after SNL's cast members, that was kind of weird.

00:54:06.000 Every week, not just once.

00:54:08.000 Well, Alec Baldwin's one thing you would ever go after, but you go, and the cast isn't funny.

00:54:12.000 I was like, oh, jeez.

00:54:13.000 23-year-old first job, now the president is saying on his Twitter that I'm not funny?

00:54:19.000 I think the beauty of it is it's just fuel for the fire.

00:54:21.000 He doesn't have to go to the cast.

00:54:22.000 How can he say?

00:54:23.000 I think SNL's benefiting from that.

00:54:25.000 I think it's fantastic.

00:54:26.000 Oh, it's great for them.

00:54:28.000 If I were him, I would tweet next week.

00:54:29.000 Now that's funny.

00:54:30.000 They got me.

00:54:31.000 He should make like he was just being tough.

00:54:34.000 Well, the thing about this country is we love it when we hate somebody and then we like them again.

00:54:38.000 Yeah.

00:54:39.000 So all he has to do is that.

00:54:41.000 All he has to do is put out some positive tweets and be conciliatory and then watch the country just sweep him up in the road.

00:54:48.000 Look at what happened to Bush after 9-11.

00:54:50.000 Yeah.

00:54:51.000 That's true.

00:54:52.000 He had the lowest favorability rating of any president in history.

00:54:56.000 And after 9-11, he shot up to like 80%.

00:54:59.000 That's right.

00:55:00.000 I remember that.

00:55:00.000 They said Trump has the lowest incoming president-elect approval rating in the history.

00:55:07.000 How do they compile that?

00:55:09.000 That's a very good question.

00:55:10.000 I've always wondered.

00:55:11.000 I was like, how do they compile?

00:55:12.000 Who are they asking?

00:55:14.000 Exactly.

00:55:14.000 I don't know.

00:55:16.000 Who's taking polls?

00:55:17.000 People that take polls.

00:55:18.000 That's what they're doing.

00:55:19.000 Well, that's like the same people that projected the election to go to Hillary. 1.00

00:55:23.000 Well, what's interesting is they were right.

00:55:24.000 Why do we trust them anymore?

00:55:25.000 No, but they were right if it was a popular vote.

00:55:27.000 They actually were right.

00:55:30.000 It's really funny.

00:55:31.000 It just shows how crazy the electoral college system is.

00:55:33.000 But he said, no, it should be a popular vote.

00:55:35.000 He goes, that's a different race, though.

00:55:38.000 He conceded that it's better to have it be the popular vote.

00:55:42.000 But he would have run a different campaign.

00:55:43.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:55:44.000 That's not the game.

00:55:45.000 He goes, the game is the electoral college vote, and that's the game we played, and we won by a landslide.

00:55:51.000 He's right.

00:55:52.000 He's right.

00:55:53.000 He played it like a game.

00:55:55.000 They played it like this thing that they've been doing over and over and over again. 0.57

00:55:58.000 They fucked up in that they rigged it for so long that their popularity contest got taken over by someone who's actually popular, like an actual famous person.

00:56:10.000 He knows how to become more popular. 0.99

00:56:14.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:56:14.000 He understands that some people know the formula of just how to do that.

00:56:18.000 He knows how to fucking do it. 1.00

00:56:20.000 And he's rich as fuck. 1.00

00:56:21.000 And he doesn't have to do what they want him to do. 1.00

00:56:24.000 It's different.

00:56:25.000 He can finance his own campaign.

00:56:28.000 He gets there. 1.00

00:56:29.000 He gets pressed by talking mad shit and getting people to talk about him. 1.00

00:56:34.000 He knows how to do it. 0.99

00:56:35.000 Here's the thing that I'm confused about.

00:56:37.000 What's the overall vision?

00:56:39.000 What is Trumpism?

00:56:42.000 If you think about democratic What's Trumpcratic?

00:56:45.000 That's a good question.

00:56:48.000 Small government.

00:56:49.000 Well, I mean, I think his truths are to make sure taxes are low for people that are earning a lot so he can...

00:56:59.000 Those people can stabilize that market that they're already in. 0.66

00:57:02.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:03.000 That people don't have to sacrifice at the top.

00:57:05.000 I think he's pretty clear about that. 0.52

00:57:06.000 He wants to lower the fuck out of business tax.

00:57:09.000 He wants that to go low.

00:57:11.000 So he's saying, zero government. 0.99

00:57:13.000 Let these people fucking govern themselves. 1.00

00:57:15.000 Let small businesses... 1.00

00:57:16.000 That's his whole campaign.

00:57:17.000 Is to keep money up top where it is. 0.99

00:57:20.000 And fucking let pockets that are pretty thick stay thick. 0.98

00:57:23.000 I think he's pretty transparent about that. 0.99

00:57:25.000 That seems to be a thing that he's...

00:57:27.000 Pretty obvious about.

00:57:28.000 I think he wants the rich to stay rich.

00:57:30.000 And he's not afraid of saying it.

00:57:32.000 And for some reason, people that are poor are like, I like it. 1.00

00:57:35.000 I like what he's going for.

00:57:37.000 It's crazy.

00:57:41.000 It's going to be very, very interesting.

00:57:43.000 I'm really curious to see how this plays out.

00:57:46.000 Oh, it's going to be interesting.

00:57:48.000 There's no doubt about that.

00:57:49.000 I mean, it's like any other time when I'm not happy about what's going on politically, I just put my head in the sand for a while and I go, I'll just check in in a few months.

00:57:57.000 But I cannot stop reading on my phone in the papers.

00:58:02.000 This is like we're living through a part of history that's probably more turbulent than any other presidential transition.

00:58:09.000 Except for Johnson and Kennedy.

00:58:12.000 This is like a big... 0.67

00:58:13.000 Metaphorical question, but because of, like, Obama lived through the age of, like, the bursting of the internet space and its involvement in politics, you know, of, like, Twitter and Instagram and all this shit. 0.76

00:58:23.000 This is bigger. 0.85

00:58:24.000 This is even bigger than that.

00:58:26.000 America's midlife breakdown right now.

00:58:28.000 This is it.

00:58:29.000 This is us bottoming out.

00:58:31.000 Halfway.

00:58:31.000 This is the halfway point.

00:58:32.000 I hope we got another 200 years.

00:58:34.000 I think Trump is president for 20 years or three days.

00:58:38.000 Or it's like something terrible happens.

00:58:41.000 But do you think...

00:58:41.000 Do you worry about something terrible?

00:58:43.000 Sorry to interrupt you.

00:58:44.000 Yeah, because I think he had a real control over his message in America.

00:58:50.000 You know, he has friends who own the tabloids.

00:58:53.000 I remember flying with him.

00:58:55.000 Never mind.

00:58:56.000 But it's like...

00:58:57.000 I remember flying with him once. 1.00

00:58:59.000 No, fuck you. 1.00

00:59:00.000 Go back. 1.00

00:59:00.000 You can't just fly past that. 1.00

00:59:03.000 Some of his best friends own tabloids.

00:59:05.000 Wow.

00:59:06.000 You know?

00:59:07.000 Yeah.

00:59:08.000 And those are his boys.

00:59:11.000 It's like the Koch family.

00:59:12.000 They had all the bad stories locked up, but now when it starts happening in Russia and stuff, he doesn't have quite the hold on it.

00:59:19.000 People can really get to him.

00:59:22.000 He's not young.

00:59:24.000 Yeah, I worry about something bad happening.

00:59:25.000 It may not end well for him.

00:59:27.000 It's really a tricky one.

00:59:29.000 Another part of me says, get behind it because you're going to be around for the rest of my life.

00:59:32.000 The Glenn Greenwald thing is an interesting angle though because Glenn Greenwald is a really respected journalist.

00:59:39.000 He's the guy who exposed WikiLeaks.

00:59:40.000 He's a guy who a lot of people go to and he's not without his criticisms.

00:59:46.000 I mean, a lot of people criticize him.

00:59:48.000 He's had this ongoing feud with Sam Harris.

00:59:51.000 But if you look at what he's talking about here, if there's any shred of truth to it, that you're seeing this old institution attack this new incoming guy and do it in a foolish way that actually kind of strengthens This disbelief that people have in the news. 0.99

01:00:10.000 If they make up some crazy story and you hear CNN talking about it and all these other people talking about it, unsubstantiated reports that involve lewd activities and golden showers, who the fuck is doing this? 0.99

01:00:22.000 Who's doing this? 0.99

01:00:23.000 What are you trying to do? 0.98

01:00:24.000 Because by doing this, especially when it looks obvious and dumb like that did, it makes his case look stronger. 0.97

01:00:31.000 It's almost like something that he would do to attack himself. 0.98

01:00:35.000 That's like how Nero burnt Rome.

01:00:38.000 You might do something like that, attack yourself so that you look vulnerable.

01:00:42.000 Do you think he did that?

01:00:43.000 No, I don't.

01:00:44.000 He's not that true, but what he's great at is a counterpuncher.

01:00:47.000 I've been living in New York City during his entire reign of popularity.

01:00:50.000 He's a great counterpuncher.

01:00:52.000 So if something happens...

01:00:54.000 Even if you perceive it as bad for him, he knows how to work that.

01:00:57.000 That's what he talked about with Kanye West.

01:00:59.000 When he was talking about Kanye.

01:01:01.000 And I saw him do that every time.

01:01:03.000 A friend would say, oh boy, this is really going to sink him.

01:01:06.000 And I'd go, watch.

01:01:08.000 But you can't run a country like that.

01:01:10.000 You can win an office, but you can't.

01:01:12.000 Who knows?

01:01:13.000 Who knows what he's going to do?

01:01:15.000 I'm just super curious.

01:01:17.000 He probably knows, but we don't know.

01:01:20.000 You know, if you're right about saying that he's never going to leave, then obviously that's going to become a problem.

01:01:26.000 But if you're not right about it, and he does manage to show some flaws in the system and expose them, Then it could be great, sure.

01:01:37.000 No one else is going to do it other than Bernie.

01:01:39.000 If Bernie won, and obviously they were conspiring to keep Bernie out, but if Bernie won, we could have seen some really weird changes in the system.

01:01:46.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:01:46.000 And overall, he would be a mood shifter.

01:01:51.000 Like, Bernie would be a guy that is like...

01:01:54.000 Like, that's kind of what a lot of people are looking for.

01:01:56.000 Someone who's not money-oriented.

01:01:58.000 Someone who's like for the people.

01:01:59.000 Someone who lives a fairly simple life for a guy like that.

01:02:02.000 Someone who's never...

01:02:02.000 Like the Pope.

01:02:03.000 When the Pope got in, you were like, oh, he cares about the poor.

01:02:05.000 Bernie was like the Pope.

01:02:07.000 They became friends, the whole thing.

01:02:08.000 Yeah, like the Pope got rid of that throne.

01:02:10.000 He went with a more...

01:02:12.000 Casual dress.

01:02:13.000 Yeah.

01:02:14.000 In a lot of ways, what Bernie would have represented, I think, is someone who's not of the same cloth as we're used to.

01:02:23.000 Someone who's concerned about equality across the board.

01:02:28.000 The system's broken.

01:02:29.000 Sorry.

01:02:30.000 No, that's it.

01:02:31.000 You're right.

01:02:31.000 The system's broken.

01:02:32.000 Instead of the guy who should or the woman who should or could have, they're fighting the wrong game all the time.

01:02:40.000 Hillary was probably a great, smart person. 1.00

01:02:42.000 Yeah.

01:02:43.000 You know, you drift into distractions and she's trying to... 1.00

01:02:47.000 But there's also the...

01:02:48.000 And then something weird happens.

01:02:50.000 Like the wiring goes haywire and the guy who's the most popular at something completely different gets in there on a freak of nature.

01:02:57.000 He also stands...

01:02:58.000 I mean, this country's gone through in 50 years...

01:03:01.000 You can't tell me it's not amusing.

01:03:03.000 Right.

01:03:03.000 It's definitely amusing.

01:03:04.000 Yeah.

01:03:05.000 There's a little part of glee in your heart where it goes, what?

01:03:10.000 The Supreme Court?

01:03:11.000 It's like seeing the whole thing.

01:03:14.000 As comedians, I think we all have something to talk about for the next four years.

01:03:20.000 It made everyone's life a lot more interesting all of a sudden.

01:03:23.000 But don't you think that there's a certain amount of intimidation about criticizing him?

01:03:27.000 Yeah.

01:03:28.000 Like, there's some real intimidation that comes from him.

01:03:31.000 He's a legitimate, powerful man.

01:03:33.000 Would you want to be on his enemies list?

01:03:34.000 No. 1.00

01:03:35.000 Fucking no. 1.00

01:03:35.000 No. 1.00

01:03:36.000 It'd be horrible.

01:03:37.000 And everybody feels like that.

01:03:38.000 And with great power comes great responsibility.

01:03:42.000 And that's one of the things that people are really terrified of with a guy like that.

01:03:46.000 Because he's got so much power and so much influence.

01:03:49.000 He didn't used to.

01:03:50.000 He was a joke in a weird way to a lot of people.

01:03:52.000 But I always knew that he could actually do things. 0.89

01:03:54.000 Like when you see him in New York, you go, all of a sudden, you're like, holy shit, there's a tower there that was not there. 0.97

01:04:01.000 People think he's willy-nilly, like shooting from the hip. 0.99

01:04:04.000 He's patient.

01:04:06.000 Builds buildings.

01:04:08.000 Yeah.

01:04:09.000 It's different.

01:04:09.000 When I grew up in New York, when he was a celebrity in New York and not the country, he was just a slumlord.

01:04:16.000 We talked about him in my family.

01:04:19.000 He was a guy who had suits against him.

01:04:21.000 He owned projects, and it was pretty well known back then that he was a slumlord. 0.75

01:04:27.000 Twitter's a hobby for him.

01:04:29.000 I think building is his occupation.

01:04:31.000 That's a really hard thing to do.

01:04:33.000 I remember the skating ring popping up and he was always talking about taking over swaths of land in New York when you were lucky to get a little apartment somewhere.

01:04:42.000 This guy was going to buy where the trains were, the subways used to be.

01:04:46.000 It's like, you were in awe of that.

01:04:48.000 You couldn't help it.

01:04:49.000 And his politics didn't emerge until much later.

01:04:52.000 He just kind of kept it cool and was just like a playboy and a personality.

01:04:58.000 Wow.

01:05:00.000 You know, it was like a kick to see him around.

01:05:02.000 He always loved a good joke.

01:05:04.000 You know, he was generous.

01:05:06.000 So, I get it.

01:05:08.000 A lot of smart, rich New Yorkers.

01:05:10.000 I'm not surprised.

01:05:12.000 Some of the smartest, most successful people I know in New York supported him.

01:05:17.000 Do you think, though, that the level of responsibility that you have when you become the president, the amount of power that you have, do you think that anybody can really manage that correctly?

01:05:29.000 It's a ridiculous position, and this is one of the things it's exposing.

01:05:33.000 This is exposing how ridiculous the position is, that you could get someone who's just this one popular person that gets into place and run this entire thing. 0.98

01:05:43.000 Like, one person running anything is crazy. 0.87

01:05:46.000 Well, are we overstating how much the president really runs?

01:05:49.000 Look what he's doing.

01:05:50.000 No, but I'm saying once you're in office, do you think president has as much power as people...

01:05:55.000 We're going to find out what kind of power he has.

01:05:58.000 Because look what he's doing.

01:05:59.000 Look what you're talking about with the press corps.

01:06:00.000 Look what you're talking about with...

01:06:02.000 You don't just get power.

01:06:03.000 You accumulate power.

01:06:05.000 He's accumulating leverage and power.

01:06:08.000 And by putting people around him that he wants.

01:06:11.000 Fascinating.

01:06:11.000 He can't operate without his family.

01:06:13.000 He's always going to have his family around.

01:06:14.000 It's like...

01:06:15.000 You don't just suddenly tell an IndyCar driver, tomorrow you're driving a NASCAR. He's been doing it a certain way.

01:06:22.000 Yeah, but his son and his daughter, or his two sons, they can't advise him on policy because they're running his companies.

01:06:32.000 They have to never have a conversation with him again about the businesses or politics.

01:06:37.000 Yeah, sure.

01:06:37.000 Come on.

01:06:38.000 Yeah, like, come on. 0.98

01:06:40.000 That sounds so ridiculous. 0.99

01:06:41.000 Yeah, there's no fucking way. 0.99

01:06:43.000 But even if that's how it is, it's still his family. 0.98

01:06:47.000 Yeah.

01:06:48.000 But you know what?

01:06:49.000 That's so weird that they won't let him talk to him about it.

01:06:52.000 He got it.

01:06:54.000 He's going to be the richest guy in history.

01:06:56.000 He's going to be a mythical figure.

01:06:59.000 Do you hear about some oligarch that got arrested and said that he thinks Putin's the richest guy in history?

01:07:04.000 Am I wrong?

01:07:04.000 No, dude.

01:07:04.000 He will become...

01:07:06.000 You're going to bet against it?

01:07:07.000 I don't think so.

01:07:08.000 He'll become bigger, larger than...

01:07:09.000 This will make him larger than life. 1.00

01:07:11.000 It'll just be like a fucking... 1.00

01:07:12.000 It will be a myth. 1.00

01:07:14.000 If there's a huge scandal...

01:07:16.000 It's not going away.

01:07:17.000 He's got a million kids and family.

01:07:19.000 I don't know.

01:07:20.000 If you think about what's come out in the last year...

01:07:22.000 Scandal makes him stronger. 0.99

01:07:24.000 Billy Bush got fucking trampled on the bus thing. 0.99

01:07:30.000 I think it just made him stronger. 0.99

01:07:32.000 Do you think if this whole story about the Russian prostitutes pissing on him got corroborated, do you think it would hurt him? 1.00

01:07:38.000 I read someone said that they thought he fucking started that shit. 1.00

01:07:42.000 I was like, that's a fucking interesting angle. 1.00

01:07:44.000 What if he was like, yeah, that's what Joe was saying. 0.98

01:07:46.000 That's what I was just saying.

01:07:48.000 How high are you?

01:07:50.000 Yeah.

01:07:51.000 Hi.

01:07:54.000 Well, I don't think that's the case, but I do think that...

01:07:57.000 But he knows how to turn that stuff around pretty quickly. 0.99

01:07:58.000 Yeah, those attacks are foolish. 0.98

01:08:00.000 So you've already proven that he's Kevlar. 1.00

01:08:04.000 He got past Grab the Pussy. 1.00

01:08:06.000 There's no video. 0.99

01:08:07.000 But then, conversely, then you can't do anything then.

01:08:11.000 So what's the legitimate thing that you can come out about him?

01:08:14.000 If you present real facts...

01:08:16.000 They get kind of pushed away.

01:08:17.000 If you present these crazy news stories, it just fuels the fire.

01:08:20.000 So what do you do then?

01:08:22.000 It's a good question.

01:08:23.000 What does the opposition do? 1.00

01:08:25.000 Because anything they come up with is either fake news to him or it's something crazy that makes people go, dude, how funny was that they pissed on that fucking bed that Obama... 0.98

01:08:32.000 I mean, then it becomes like a social bit. 0.98

01:08:34.000 The worst thing that could take place is that people decide while he's in power that he can't be in power.

01:08:42.000 People decide that there can't be a president anymore.

01:08:44.000 We've decided as a nation that we're going to abolish this and we're going to start a whole new system of government. 0.99

01:08:50.000 That is where shit could get really crazy. 0.99

01:08:53.000 That would get crazy. 0.99

01:08:53.000 That's what Susan Sarandon wants. 0.99

01:08:55.000 Does she want that? 0.98

01:08:56.000 Yeah.

01:08:56.000 Remember when he was running for president, he said, she goes, maybe Trump should win because maybe it's time we do have a revolution in the streets.

01:09:03.000 Maybe we need to change it. 0.95

01:09:05.000 It's like, yeah, that's easy to say when you're on the fifth and a five-story brownstone with guards, you know, not fucking living in the projects during a revolution. 0.70

01:09:14.000 It's harder for a rich person to say that. 0.73

01:09:16.000 A poor person has nothing to lose and would call for revolution, but when a rich person does it, I think she's got something.

01:09:22.000 Do you think they'd be coming for her first?

01:09:25.000 Probably.

01:09:26.000 When I talked to Trump, somebody said, how'd you do that?

01:09:28.000 He's like Hitler. 0.96

01:09:30.000 I go, if he's Hitler, you'll be glad I'm friends with him. 1.00

01:09:33.000 Otherwise, I'm giving up your fucking home address. 1.00

01:09:39.000 Man. 0.99

01:09:40.000 Well, it's bizarre, too, because he's actually publicly in support of Putin.

01:09:46.000 And he talks about Putin being a smart guy.

01:09:48.000 He's a businessman, so he talks with whoever he's been friends with.

01:09:51.000 That's how it works.

01:09:52.000 None of this should be taken away from him or a surprise.

01:09:56.000 He'll figure all that out.

01:09:57.000 But he can't pretend that these aren't his pals.

01:10:01.000 If you meet somebody famous once or twice and they're nice to you, that's all he's...

01:10:06.000 Plus, he's...

01:10:08.000 His stuff is deep.

01:10:09.000 He would go over there.

01:10:11.000 He would bring TV shows there.

01:10:12.000 All that stuff is – we're a client.

01:10:15.000 We're another piece of commerce in his portfolio of how he does business.

01:10:23.000 So when he picks up the phone and he knows some guy in Japan, of course he's going to mention his properties.

01:10:27.000 That's how he gets going.

01:10:30.000 That's how he gets going.

01:10:32.000 What if that works?

01:10:34.000 Really?

01:10:35.000 Well, that's what Putin did.

01:10:35.000 What if that's a better system?

01:10:37.000 Yeah, Putin used government and private ownership to amass fortunes and then get his friends' fortunes. 0.97

01:10:44.000 It's almost going to take something like this to make people realize that this is a ridiculous system. 0.81

01:10:51.000 I mean, otherwise we would never figure it out.

01:10:52.000 We'd just still look for a better and better version of the impossible person.

01:10:55.000 Maybe it's a great system.

01:10:56.000 Maybe we're all looking at it wrong.

01:10:57.000 We've tested it.

01:10:58.000 Anybody can become president.

01:11:01.000 Well, maybe it is a good system because it's got that and it's got all the checks and balances in place.

01:11:07.000 Maybe it is a good system because of all the bureaucracy.

01:11:10.000 It's like something beyond politics and what's right and wrong.

01:11:15.000 I've heard that argued before.

01:11:16.000 Dynasty is not the right thing, so it's time for...

01:11:19.000 Civilization had a great run.

01:11:22.000 What else you got? 0.99

01:11:24.000 Well, what's crazy is that it's as dark as it can fucking get. 0.98

01:11:30.000 See, here's the thing. 0.97

01:11:32.000 There are wars going on right now.

01:11:33.000 Come on.

01:11:34.000 There's wars going on right now.

01:11:35.000 And we'll always say... 1.00

01:11:37.000 How about a fucking waitress? 1.00

01:11:39.000 Down here? 1.00

01:11:40.000 Fucking wars going on. 1.00

01:11:41.000 No drink. 1.00

01:11:42.000 But there's wars going on right now.

01:11:44.000 But they're just not going on right here.

01:11:46.000 Are we just naive?

01:11:47.000 Are we naive to not understand the danger...

01:11:51.000 I think it might be coming.

01:11:53.000 You really think so?

01:11:54.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:55.000 Really?

01:11:56.000 Yeah.

01:11:56.000 What would stop it at this point?

01:12:00.000 Dude.

01:12:01.000 I don't think anything is...

01:12:03.000 Like a war with Russia?

01:12:03.000 There aren't a lot of barriers.

01:12:05.000 No.

01:12:05.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:12:06.000 What would England or France or Germany?

01:12:08.000 No.

01:12:10.000 Why would we go to war with Germany or France or England?

01:12:12.000 Anything's possible.

01:12:13.000 Leaking?

01:12:15.000 Cyber warfare?

01:12:16.000 Yeah, cyber warfare is what it's all about. 0.98

01:12:19.000 We had natural boundaries before, but now you see that they can hack into the FBI and the CIA and fucking, you know... 0.92

01:12:28.000 There's a known unknown now. 0.96

01:12:32.000 Don't presume anything.

01:12:34.000 It's true.

01:12:35.000 It's true.

01:12:36.000 Yeah.

01:12:38.000 Okay, here's the scenario.

01:12:40.000 What would be the ideal way, outside of a dictator, what would be the ideal way to run a nation?

01:12:48.000 What would be better than having this one alpha that we keep putting in place?

01:12:54.000 Which seems pretty ridiculous at this point.

01:12:56.000 It seems like we might have fucked up and got a super alpha in there. 0.96

01:12:59.000 Well, I don't think that the framers of the Constitution didn't see the presidency as being such a big deal. 0.85

01:13:04.000 He was kind of a lead administrator, but he wasn't supposed to be the be-all, end-all of power in this country.

01:13:11.000 So I think we probably want to ratchet that position down a little bit.

01:13:15.000 That's what they told the guy that they didn't give it to.

01:13:16.000 Yeah.

01:13:19.000 This is not even that cool of a thing.

01:13:21.000 Yeah, it's just a weekend thing.

01:13:23.000 You don't want to do that.

01:13:24.000 Come on.

01:13:25.000 You want to get in there and write the laws, right?

01:13:27.000 You don't want to be kissing babies and going to photo ops, sketch ops.

01:13:35.000 I don't know what kind of photo ops they had back then.

01:13:38.000 Were you a Bernie supporter?

01:13:41.000 No, I was kind of a pragmist about it.

01:13:43.000 I wasn't a supporter of anybody except...

01:13:47.000 I'm pretty much...

01:13:49.000 I was against Trump winning.

01:13:54.000 So anybody but Trump type of thing, right?

01:13:56.000 Yeah, so I'd love to say my wife was a big Bernie supporter.

01:13:59.000 I would like to say I was, but I think I was betting on the best horse.

01:14:03.000 But I thought it was the best horse.

01:14:05.000 It was actually, you didn't even make the bet, but you had a horse in mind.

01:14:08.000 Yeah.

01:14:08.000 And it didn't win.

01:14:09.000 It was like, well, but you didn't lose any money.

01:14:11.000 Yeah, I mean, I can't sit here and say, for all the bad things I say about Trump, I can't sit here and tell you that I was passionate about Hillary or that I even like her.

01:14:18.000 I just saw it as the lesser of two evils.

01:14:22.000 Yeah, you saw her as business as usual, not business way worse.

01:14:25.000 That's exactly right.

01:14:27.000 It seemed like it was just another thing.

01:14:31.000 Woman president, huge, great. 1.00

01:14:34.000 Has the relationships that exist that we already know.

01:14:37.000 So you're like, okay.

01:14:38.000 It was almost like, yeah, the assistant coach has been there for a while.

01:14:43.000 That's what it felt like in my brain that was going to happen.

01:14:46.000 But I gotta say, I was shooting the night that people were watching it.

01:14:51.000 And of course, we're here in Los Angeles. 0.99

01:14:52.000 Like, fucking not one of those crew members isn't hardcore left. 0.98

01:14:56.000 And we watched people watching it on their phones. 0.99

01:14:59.000 And, like, their reactions were, like, complete confusion.

01:15:01.000 It was crazy to watch from this perspective.

01:15:03.000 And I wonder what it was like watching from, like...

01:15:06.000 Michigan.

01:15:07.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:15:08.000 Greg and I did a live podcast.

01:15:09.000 Oh yeah, that was crazy.

01:15:11.000 Yeah, we did a live podcast with Burr and Stan Hope and Bert Kreischer.

01:15:15.000 Oh, I saw it on YouTube after.

01:15:16.000 That's right.

01:15:16.000 I saw that.

01:15:17.000 It was chaos.

01:15:18.000 It is chaos.

01:15:19.000 I bailed.

01:15:20.000 I couldn't handle it.

01:15:21.000 It was so crazy. 1.00

01:15:21.000 Well, because first of all, they're fucking... 1.00

01:15:24.000 Passing joints around the whole time. 0.99

01:15:26.000 I thought, this is a celebration party.

01:15:27.000 Yeah, why not?

01:15:28.000 I didn't realize I was going to go into the most confusing moment of my life.

01:15:32.000 And I just bailed. 0.86

01:15:34.000 As soon as it looked like it was going to Trump, all of a sudden, I look up and Joe's fucking laughing and Stan Hope is carrying on. 0.97

01:15:41.000 I'm like, there's nothing funny anymore. 0.97

01:15:44.000 And I just went and I sat in my car in front of my house for like two hours.

01:15:49.000 Yeah.

01:15:50.000 Jesus Christ, dude, you're bumming me out.

01:15:52.000 I know.

01:15:53.000 We were having fun.

01:15:54.000 I know you were.

01:15:54.000 You guys were having fun.

01:15:56.000 It was just Burr killing for like four hours.

01:16:00.000 Yeah, he was on fire that night.

01:16:01.000 He was on fire.

01:16:03.000 And then when weed became legal and Burr took a hit, he doesn't smoke pot.

01:16:07.000 He went right in there.

01:16:09.000 It was amazing. 1.00

01:16:09.000 The whole fucking room. 1.00

01:16:11.000 Somebody came out from, Bert Kreischer, I think, came from the back and he announced that pot was now legal in California. 0.99

01:16:16.000 And three out of four people in the audience immediately lit up and there was a cloud of smoke that just took over the room.

01:16:22.000 This is the photo from the actual moment. 0.99

01:16:25.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:16:26.000 The Troy Conrads took this photo of the moment. 1.00

01:16:29.000 Wow.

01:16:29.000 Bert's running around.

01:16:32.000 And there's all these people in the front row.

01:16:33.000 We all go crazy right here.

01:16:35.000 Everyone's going crazy.

01:16:36.000 That's the very moment when we found out that pot was legal in California.

01:16:40.000 We were doing a live podcast from the main room.

01:16:44.000 Jeff Ross just walked back in.

01:16:46.000 The other crazy thing is that Doug Stanhope's girlfriend at the time, or still, but she was in a coma at the time.

01:16:55.000 She's not anymore.

01:16:56.000 It got more depressing since I went through the bathroom.

01:16:59.000 It was just crazy that Doug powered through.

01:17:02.000 Wait to hear what's next, Jeff. 0.99

01:17:05.000 Doug's a fucking trooper, man. 0.99

01:17:06.000 Not many people would have powered through right there. 1.00

01:17:08.000 Doug...

01:17:10.000 And talked about it.

01:17:12.000 Doug Stanhope is a special human.

01:17:14.000 I've known that guy for a long time, man.

01:17:16.000 He's the real deal.

01:17:18.000 He actually did move to Bisbee, Arizona and essentially start a whole community of weirdos that live down there and hang out and work with them and do podcasts with them.

01:17:30.000 And he's kind of using the podcast as like an open mic.

01:17:33.000 That's how he rants.

01:17:35.000 And that's how he's coming up with material.

01:17:37.000 His whole setup is very interesting, man.

01:17:39.000 Sounds cool.

01:17:40.000 Yeah, he's the real deal.

01:17:42.000 He told you about it?

01:17:43.000 Oh yeah, I've listened to it.

01:17:45.000 I've listened to it a bunch of times.

01:17:47.000 His podcast is awesome. 1.00

01:17:48.000 But he owns like, he's like a real estate mogul in his fucking town. 0.99

01:17:52.000 Get out of here. 1.00

01:17:52.000 Yeah, he owns a bunch of houses. 1.00

01:17:54.000 When houses go up for sale, he buys them.

01:17:56.000 They're all like four grand.

01:17:58.000 He owns a ton of houses.

01:18:00.000 He's telling me about it. 0.99

01:18:01.000 He's fucking buying the town. 0.99

01:18:02.000 He's going to be the Trump of Bisbee, Arizona. 1.00

01:18:05.000 That's what he's going to be.

01:18:06.000 Doug Stanhope's going to go, I own this town.

01:18:08.000 He's going to be like the bad guy in Roadhouse.

01:18:10.000 Remember the bad guy?

01:18:11.000 I own this town.

01:18:13.000 That's what Stanhope's going to do.

01:18:14.000 Everybody will have to dress like him.

01:18:16.000 I'm telling you, I'm thinking about moving there.

01:18:18.000 Sometimes I think about moving there.

01:18:19.000 I'm like, why not? 0.99

01:18:20.000 Let's fucking join him. 0.99

01:18:21.000 He's seven miles away from Mexico. 1.00

01:18:24.000 If shit gets weird, you go left, you go right. 1.00

01:18:27.000 Pick your poison. 1.00

01:18:29.000 What do you want to do with drug cartels or rednecks? 1.00

01:18:32.000 What do you want to do?

01:18:33.000 Where do you want to go?

01:18:35.000 He's got a weird spot, man.

01:18:36.000 They see people.

01:18:38.000 When you're near the border like that, you see families coming over.

01:18:43.000 I've talked to dudes who've been hunting in Arizona, and there's areas that they avoid.

01:18:50.000 Because too many people are coming over the border and they walk. 0.88

01:18:55.000 And they'll even put things on their shoes, like big chunks of carpet, and they tie them down to their shoes so that they don't make any footprints.

01:19:05.000 The hunters? 1.00

01:19:06.000 No, the fucking Mexicans coming over from the border. 1.00

01:19:09.000 They'll wear things on their feet so that they don't leave obvious tracks. 1.00

01:19:14.000 He's like, it's crazy.

01:19:16.000 I know guys that have seen them down there and run into them.

01:19:19.000 It's like a super common thing.

01:19:21.000 So there is a trickle of people that are...

01:19:24.000 It's also pretty comfortable because it would be like running across the border on a carpeted area.

01:19:30.000 High class.

01:19:31.000 They did it for comfort.

01:19:31.000 It just so happened to cover up the tracks.

01:19:33.000 A lot of those folks died.

01:19:35.000 A lot of those folks go over and they get dehydrated.

01:19:37.000 They don't have enough water and they get stuck in the desert. 0.99

01:19:40.000 If they try to come over in July and August, you could get fucked. 0.99

01:19:45.000 In southern Arizona? 0.99

01:19:46.000 Yeah.

01:19:47.000 If somebody doesn't pick you up, there's supposed to be someone to come and pick you up.

01:19:50.000 They have this whole system, I guess, set up.

01:19:53.000 How they get people over here.

01:19:55.000 It's kind of crazy, man. 1.00

01:19:57.000 It's kind of crazy that we have this boundary in the dirt that we decide if you're born over there, you're fucked. 1.00

01:20:02.000 You stay over there. 0.99

01:20:04.000 You're born over here, you're on our team.

01:20:06.000 If you pull back from it, You look at this connection between Mexico and the United States, it's like it's a landmass.

01:20:14.000 It's one landmass.

01:20:16.000 Mexico is physically connected to us.

01:20:19.000 It's a part of us.

01:20:20.000 If we were a being, that would be like being at war with our foot, or not letting our foot come in the shower.

01:20:25.000 No, you can't wash.

01:20:26.000 I'm going to wash the whole body.

01:20:27.000 This is a part of the entire thing. 1.00

01:20:32.000 To break it off into these imaginary lines in the sand is no different than us telling Seattle they have to go fuck themselves. 0.99

01:20:39.000 No one from Seattle can come over. 0.99

01:20:41.000 It's the same thing.

01:20:44.000 They obviously aren't under our constitution or our laws or any of that thing, but they're connected to us.

01:20:49.000 They're literally a part of us.

01:20:50.000 They're right there.

01:20:51.000 But it's like what you said before about tribalism.

01:20:53.000 It's just so deep.

01:20:55.000 It's crazy.

01:20:56.000 It's random, and yet it's deep, like a sports team. 1.00

01:20:59.000 It's like any guy can get traded any given year, but you're still going to cheer for that fucking color uniform. 0.99

01:21:04.000 Of course. 0.98

01:21:04.000 Even though like the Mets in 86, after they won the World Series, they fucking traded everybody off, and they weren't the Mets anymore. 0.98

01:21:11.000 But people were still wearing the jerseys and cheering. 0.58

01:21:15.000 Yeah.

01:21:16.000 Here's the question.

01:21:18.000 How do you stop something like that?

01:21:21.000 Well, the hope was globalism would.

01:21:23.000 With all of us having access to the internet in our pockets, the same as people from India, that there would be this amazing image of all the walls falling down. 1.00

01:21:36.000 But that doesn't seem to be happening, do you think?

01:21:40.000 No, because we're getting more connected, but But culture means a lot to people, and they're going to keep it, and that identifies them with who they are.

01:21:51.000 They're never going to get rid of that and just become super...

01:21:54.000 Otherwise, the westernization of the world would just be them all being us. 0.59

01:21:59.000 What's the end answer?

01:22:00.000 Everyone should be the same, but most places you go around the world...

01:22:05.000 That are westernized, quote unquote, that are globalized.

01:22:07.000 It looks like us.

01:22:08.000 Yeah, but I mean, we know for a fact that Apple goes to China and pays people pennies, and they have nets all around the buildings where these people live and work.

01:22:18.000 They have dormitories, and they cover them with nets.

01:22:21.000 We know about Foxconn.

01:22:22.000 We know that story. 1.00

01:22:23.000 So we know, and we still buy these fucking phones. 1.00

01:22:26.000 I didn't even think twice. 1.00

01:22:28.000 I didn't even think twice. 1.00

01:22:29.000 I'm like, those fucking jumpers make a hell of a phone. 1.00

01:22:33.000 Wait, put the phone down before you jump! 1.00

01:22:36.000 Bless the little $1 an hour hearts or whatever the fuck they get paid. 0.99

01:22:39.000 And we accept that. 0.90

01:22:41.000 And we accept that not just in China, but all throughout South America, there's a bunch of different factories that employ people that pay them pennies.

01:22:50.000 Compared to what they would have to pay the same person in America.

01:22:54.000 So what are you saying?

01:22:54.000 That we care less about them because they're not Americans.

01:22:57.000 Exactly.

01:22:58.000 Yeah, we literally allow people to give them slave wages.

01:23:01.000 Well, we would consider slave wages. 0.99

01:23:03.000 Like if someone took a guy like you and made you work for someone at the blah blah blah factory that makes fucking jeans or sneakers or whatever the fuck they make, If they made you work for that amount, you would think you were in jail. 0.99

01:23:18.000 You're like, oh my god, I have to live off of this? 0.99

01:23:20.000 These people control me.

01:23:21.000 They own me.

01:23:22.000 They have paralyzed me with poverty.

01:23:25.000 There's no way I'll ever be able to escape this.

01:23:27.000 And the only argument against it is, well, the quality of their life is much better than it was before the factory got there.

01:23:33.000 Before the factory got there, nobody made any money at all.

01:23:36.000 Because they were eating coconuts and mangoes and they were catching fish.

01:23:39.000 They didn't need any money.

01:23:40.000 You made them work.

01:23:42.000 There's a lot of these places where you're setting up shop.

01:23:44.000 They've been there for thousands and thousands of years.

01:23:47.000 They didn't need the factory.

01:23:49.000 Maybe the factory's nice to them.

01:23:51.000 Maybe it is good.

01:23:52.000 Maybe they do become dependent upon it over time. 0.98

01:23:55.000 But people have existed everywhere, all over the planet, without factories for a long fucking time. 0.95

01:24:00.000 You don't need that factory. 0.72

01:24:02.000 There's a lot of other solutions.

01:24:04.000 It's not an either-or proposition. 0.99

01:24:06.000 Either the factory's there or they never get their shit together. 0.99

01:24:09.000 No, that's not the case. 0.99

01:24:11.000 They could develop their own culture and society just like the United States did.

01:24:15.000 But if you just make them in prison to these factories where they get paid slave wages in these foreign third world countries that we don't care about as much as we care about Detroit or we care about Chicago or we care about places that are just like that place connected to us. 0.85

01:24:31.000 Yeah, well...

01:24:33.000 I'm a commie or something, right?

01:24:34.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:24:35.000 That's goddamn commie talk. 1.00

01:24:36.000 You're real. 1.00

01:24:37.000 It's realist. 0.96

01:24:38.000 It's gross. 0.91

01:24:39.000 The whole thing of not letting those people over here is gross.

01:24:43.000 You're going to end it eventually.

01:24:45.000 When are you going to keep it like that for a million years?

01:24:47.000 A million years from now we're going to have states and you can't cross.

01:24:50.000 You can't immigrate from Mexico. 0.99

01:24:52.000 So a million years from now we're still going to have deep poverty in Mexico and we're terrified of the drug war and leaking over our soil. 0.80

01:24:58.000 Is that what's going to go on?

01:24:59.000 A million years from now?

01:25:00.000 No.

01:25:00.000 We're going to be one united planet.

01:25:02.000 One super organism that can read each other's mind.

01:25:06.000 The federation.

01:25:07.000 The corporation.

01:25:08.000 The corporation. 0.79

01:25:10.000 This is a hiccup along a gigantic trail that leads from us throwing shit at each other from a tree to us being able to transcend literal space and time, become a part of some artificially created dimension that they establish.

01:25:23.000 That's 100 years from now or 200 years from now.

01:25:26.000 This whole thing we're going through right now is a blip in time.

01:25:30.000 And it's also a challenge to how much technology really connects us.

01:25:35.000 This guy's going to present a lot of challenges as to how much technology can unite human beings.

01:25:42.000 Well, the problem is, and you and I were talking earlier about, what's the law called again?

01:25:48.000 Moore's Law.

01:25:49.000 Moore's Law.

01:25:50.000 That every two years, the speed of computers and the memory of computers doubles.

01:25:55.000 And that that's held true since the guy came up with the law, which was in like 1960. That's the name of it, right, Jamie?

01:26:02.000 Moore's Law?

01:26:04.000 Tell me that thing, yeah.

01:26:05.000 And the problem with it is, I'm reading this book right now about it, and the problem with it is that we can't keep up culturally, emotionally, legally with how fast information is traveling and how,

01:26:21.000 like you said, everybody has access to the same information.

01:26:25.000 But it's also just the ramifications of information.

01:26:29.000 You know, corporations being able to get into your information.

01:26:33.000 Like, we don't have laws in place that can really tackle that because it's happening so fast.

01:26:38.000 You look at Airbnb.

01:26:40.000 We didn't have laws in place for people renting out their places, paying taxes on using your own car to drive people as a taxi.

01:26:48.000 We're like one step behind progress and we're going to stay that way because it's happening so fast.

01:26:56.000 I saw a taxi today and I went, wow, this is going to be like one of those payphones.

01:27:01.000 Yeah.

01:27:02.000 I'm looking at this car.

01:27:04.000 This guy's driving.

01:27:05.000 I'm like, this is going to be a payphone.

01:27:06.000 People are just going to have Priuses and people are going to take Uber and it's better.

01:27:12.000 You know what's happening in big cities is Uber started replacing the cabs, making it tough for cabs and probably buses and private limos certainly.

01:27:22.000 Now it's starting to cut into cars.

01:27:24.000 People are not needing a car in major cities in LA. And it cuts out all that drinking and driving shit. 0.99

01:27:31.000 I watched some guy slam into a fucking barrier last night. 1.00

01:27:35.000 I was driving home last night, and there was this guy driving home from the ice house. 0.99

01:27:39.000 There was this guy to the left of me, and he was speeding, and he was flying by me, man, and he was losing control of his car a little bit.

01:27:46.000 Just a little bit.

01:27:47.000 He was just wiggling a little.

01:27:50.000 It was wet.

01:27:51.000 The roads were wet.

01:27:52.000 This guy was just driving way too fast.

01:27:54.000 He's probably hydroplaning.

01:27:56.000 And I said, this guy's just not keeping it together good.

01:27:59.000 He might be drunk or whatever.

01:28:00.000 So I pull over two lanes.

01:28:02.000 I give him some space.

01:28:03.000 And a minute after I do that, BING! He hits the fucking side, the cement barrier, spins out. 0.99

01:28:11.000 Correct. 1.00

01:28:12.000 Spins again. 0.99

01:28:13.000 Fucked his car up. 1.00

01:28:14.000 No shit. 1.00

01:28:15.000 And then just came to a standstill in the middle of the highway? 1.00

01:28:18.000 Came to a stop in the left lane.

01:28:19.000 Yeah.

01:28:20.000 To turn in the right direction, fortunately. 1.00

01:28:22.000 His car was fucked up, for sure. 0.99

01:28:25.000 He might not have been able to drive. 0.99

01:28:26.000 But he was at least looking that way.

01:28:28.000 Because sometimes dudes wind up sideways. 1.00

01:28:31.000 And when you wind up sideways on the highway, you're fucked. 0.99

01:28:34.000 Because not everybody is going to see you. 0.99

01:28:36.000 And it doesn't look like rear taillights.

01:28:38.000 So you're not getting the same kind of reflection that you get.

01:28:41.000 If you saw taillights, even the guy who stopped in front of you, he saw those taillights, you would know, oh, there's a car there.

01:28:46.000 Sometimes when people are not totally paying attention, and there's a car that's sideways, parked on the road, like, dude.

01:28:55.000 I watched that happen once.

01:28:56.000 I was in New York, and I was coming home from a gig with my friend John.

01:29:00.000 And we were driving, and there was a car that was stopped dead in the left lane.

01:29:07.000 And it had hazard lights on, but the hazard lights were dying.

01:29:12.000 It was like super dim.

01:29:13.000 There was no battery juice.

01:29:15.000 And I saw it.

01:29:16.000 And I changed lanes quick.

01:29:19.000 But not that far away from it.

01:29:21.000 Like I barely missed it.

01:29:22.000 I missed it by like, I don't know, 50 yards or something like that. 0.99

01:29:25.000 Close enough where it was like, holy shit! 0.93

01:29:27.000 And then I look in my rear view and this guy plows into it at full speed. 0.98

01:29:33.000 And I see the cars in my rear view as I'm driving.

01:29:35.000 I see them spinning in the rear view mirror.

01:29:38.000 And I realize like people are probably dying back there.

01:29:40.000 I'm looking at dead people.

01:29:42.000 Because they hit that thing going 70 miles an hour.

01:29:45.000 Just slammed into it.

01:29:47.000 And everything's spinning around.

01:29:49.000 I just have visions of a car crash.

01:29:51.000 It's so scary.

01:29:53.000 Yeah, I had a guy...

01:29:54.000 Have you ever been in a bad car accident?

01:29:55.000 I've been banged around and spun around mostly when I was...

01:30:01.000 You know, old tires as a teenager.

01:30:03.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.98

01:30:04.000 But not like a fucking wreck wreck. 0.98

01:30:05.000 I got in a couple smaller, not too bad wrecks as a comedian, you know, trying to drive. 0.99

01:30:11.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:30:12.000 Drive home in the snow and shit because I didn't want to pay for a hotel, dumb stuff, you know. 0.99

01:30:17.000 I was running late at night and I saw that car. 0.99

01:30:20.000 There was a really bad car accident two months ago on Fountain where a girl was fucking shit-faced and people always fly home on Fountain because it's fast, there's no lights. 0.99

01:30:32.000 And a girl must have clipped a curb... 1.00

01:30:35.000 And then jetted to the other side, like the fucking other side of the road, and missed parked cars, which was insane, and smashed into one of those concrete walls on the corner. 0.96

01:30:47.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:30:47.000 The apartments have those concrete fucking huge walls. 0.99

01:30:51.000 And it looked like a fucking bulldozer ran into it going 50. You know what I mean? 0.99

01:30:56.000 It was like a million pieces. 0.99

01:30:58.000 I mean, there was shit like two blocks up. 0.99

01:31:00.000 It was un-fucking-real. 0.99

01:31:02.000 When you see someone really hit something with a car, you realize how crazy car travel is and how those autonomous cars are like the future. 0.92

01:31:11.000 You're not going to be able to argue against it.

01:31:13.000 Right, because it takes...

01:31:14.000 I mean, we've all been...

01:31:15.000 I mean, I've fallen asleep at the wheel on the highway at night.

01:31:18.000 I used to drive from Boston back to New York.

01:31:20.000 Saturday night, I would do two shows... 0.98

01:31:23.000 Then I'd get in my car, wherever the fuck I was, and I would drive to New York that night. 0.99

01:31:27.000 And I can remember windows open, singing as loud as I could, just because I would close my eyes and I would fucking wake up on the shoulder. 0.99

01:31:35.000 It was great. 0.98

01:31:35.000 I think about how many times I could have died. 0.98

01:31:39.000 I remember when I was a teenager, there was this 69 Cougar that I was going to buy from this kid named Billy Arduino. 0.98

01:31:45.000 It was a muscle car and he had it fucking jacked up. 0.99

01:31:48.000 He was a motorhead. 0.99

01:31:50.000 I was going to buy this car.

01:31:51.000 Where was he from?

01:31:54.000 The Arduino's.

01:31:55.000 And so this other kid bought it, and I'm driving down Route 9, right in front of the hospital.

01:32:01.000 It's a two-lane road, but it goes like 50 miles an hour.

01:32:04.000 And I see the car, and it's driving in front of me, and there's a light rain, and I see him. 0.80

01:32:10.000 I don't know what the fuck happened, but he started going back and forth. 0.94

01:32:15.000 Fishtailing. 0.99

01:32:15.000 A fishtail. 0.99

01:32:16.000 I think he was gunning it because he saw me, and he was trying to be a badass.

01:32:20.000 Went in the opposite lane. 1.00

01:32:22.000 Hit this mother and kid fucking head on. 1.00

01:32:25.000 And to this day, I can remember the smell of burnt rubber and oil. 1.00

01:32:30.000 It happened right in front of me.

01:32:33.000 And the woman was hospitalized.

01:32:36.000 Somehow the kid was okay. 1.00

01:32:37.000 And this fat fuck just got right out of the car. 1.00

01:32:40.000 Yeah, nothing happened. 1.00

01:32:41.000 Yeah.

01:32:42.000 They chipped a tooth.

01:32:43.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:32:44.000 Yeah, when you see people driving really fucked up, man. 0.97

01:32:48.000 There was a... 0.98

01:32:49.000 I passed by one of those power boxes, whatever it is.

01:32:54.000 You know those things that are on the corner?

01:32:55.000 And it had all these wreaths on it.

01:32:58.000 And all this in memory of this person.

01:33:02.000 And then I looked up the store and it was two kids.

01:33:04.000 They were racing down the road and some lady pulled out and they clipped the lady and spun her car around but didn't hurt her. 0.67

01:33:12.000 And went straight into a pole and just died.

01:33:16.000 My best friend's handicapped from doing the exact same thing.

01:33:19.000 High school buddy.

01:33:20.000 He was racing?

01:33:21.000 I just spent New Years with him, yeah.

01:33:22.000 Wow.

01:33:24.000 So be careful out there, kids. 0.99

01:33:25.000 So fucking scary. 0.98

01:33:27.000 And the other three guys in the car walked away. 0.99

01:33:29.000 Being competitive like that on regular streets and racing with people is so fucking dangerous. 0.96

01:33:35.000 So dangerous. 0.97

01:33:36.000 It's like you see those painted bikes that are chained to poles that represent bikers that died.

01:33:40.000 Oh, is that what that is?

01:33:41.000 Well, LA doesn't really have a lot of it.

01:33:43.000 In Chicago, where I'm from, it's a big thing of commuter bikes, passenger bikes, and messengers. 0.89

01:33:48.000 They get hit all the fucking time, and then when they die, they spray paint it white, and then they chain it to the pole at the intersection. 0.77

01:33:56.000 My mom was saying it was like, one year it was almost like every other block she was driving down, it was like, there's another bike, it's another bike. 1.00

01:34:04.000 People are fucking drunk as shit. 1.00

01:34:06.000 Don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:34:06.000 Clip some guy that's riding his bike home from work or some shit. 1.00

01:34:10.000 Yeah, it's a commitment to go, I'm going to ride a motorcycle. 0.81

01:34:13.000 You've got to really buy into it because your odds of dying just go up exponentially from driving a car.

01:34:20.000 What are your odds of dying more?

01:34:23.000 A bicycle or a motorcycle?

01:34:25.000 Buy.

01:34:27.000 Sorry, dude.

01:34:36.000 You're right.

01:34:37.000 I'm Debbie Downer.

01:34:41.000 I've been looking at Jeff all night.

01:34:42.000 Joe's got the reins and he's taking us down and we're going deep down.

01:34:45.000 I did not mean to.

01:34:46.000 I don't want to cry.

01:34:47.000 I'm glad you corrected me. 1.00

01:34:48.000 I don't want to cry on your fucking podcast. 0.99

01:34:50.000 I'm glad you corrected me. 0.98

01:34:52.000 Thank you.

01:34:52.000 If you want me to cry, don't hear it live.

01:34:54.000 You're right.

01:34:56.000 He needs a couple of takes.

01:34:59.000 I'm not the first comic to cry in the basement of the comedy store.

01:35:03.000 Oh, definitely not.

01:35:05.000 You're probably the first that didn't really do anything horrible, though.

01:35:08.000 Yeah.

01:35:10.000 I came down here.

01:35:13.000 Adam brought me down here. 0.98

01:35:14.000 There's like a back room over there with just like storage shit in it. 0.96

01:35:17.000 And you know what I found? 0.98

01:35:18.000 What?

01:35:19.000 I found Pauly Shore's original script of In the Army Now with his acting notes to himself in it.

01:35:26.000 Like one of them was like, Be the Weezer.

01:35:29.000 What?

01:35:30.000 Weasel.

01:35:30.000 Be the Weezer?

01:35:31.000 Be the Weezer.

01:35:32.000 Be the Weezer's a band.

01:35:34.000 Be that band.

01:35:36.000 They got some great hits.

01:35:37.000 But like the whole script he had marked up with all his acting notes.

01:35:41.000 I would have taken that. 0.99

01:35:42.000 I fucking tried. 0.99

01:35:43.000 Well, I would have taken that. 1.00

01:35:44.000 Oh, Adam was with you.

01:35:45.000 Yeah.

01:35:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:35:47.000 Well, there you go.

01:35:52.000 This place is, you know, one of the most, if you believe in ghosts, one of the most notoriously haunted places in all of California.

01:36:00.000 Maybe in the country.

01:36:01.000 Because it used to be Ciro's nightclub.

01:36:03.000 I believe in ghosts.

01:36:03.000 I saw Yakov Smirnoff here the other day.

01:36:08.000 A lot of killings happen here, right?

01:36:10.000 It was a mob place. 0.74

01:36:11.000 I killed tonight. 1.00

01:36:14.000 Roast battles.

01:36:16.000 Big taping tomorrow.

01:36:18.000 Three nights are invited.

01:36:20.000 Is it all sold out?

01:36:22.000 I don't know.

01:36:24.000 RoastBattleTickets.com.

01:36:25.000 Maybe the finale might not be.

01:36:26.000 That's next week.

01:36:27.000 Now, when you do these things, do you open up tickets to the public?

01:36:31.000 Yeah, they're free tickets.

01:36:33.000 Oh, wow.

01:36:34.000 RoastBattleTickets.com is how to sign up.

01:36:37.000 Oh, that's awesome.

01:36:38.000 You're all invited.

01:36:39.000 And then it'll air January 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th.

01:36:43.000 It's a bracketed tournament.

01:36:44.000 Wow.

01:36:45.000 16 comics.

01:36:47.000 A lot of people from right here in LA. Comedy store people.

01:36:50.000 A couple people who work here like answering phones.

01:36:53.000 Jay Light, Frank Castillo, Alex Hooper.

01:36:55.000 A lot of LA comics from here in the comedy store.

01:36:58.000 Frank Barry's doing it.

01:37:00.000 Oh, he is doing it.

01:37:01.000 Wow.

01:37:02.000 Who's he going against?

01:37:03.000 He's awesome.

01:37:03.000 Jessica Curzon.

01:37:05.000 He's fucking funny, man. 1.00

01:37:06.000 He's going to be crazy. 0.99

01:37:07.000 Tom Barry's one of the most underappreciated guys working today. 0.99

01:37:09.000 He's a fucking funny guy. 0.99

01:37:11.000 He's funny as shit. 1.00

01:37:12.000 So Lawrence holds the belt, right? 1.00

01:37:14.000 Yeah.

01:37:15.000 And does he get challenged?

01:37:17.000 I think he's going to challenge whoever wins this tournament.

01:37:20.000 There's so many funny up-and-coming comedians, and that is one of the best places for them to expose or to get exposure.

01:37:28.000 Some of them are already barely comedians, and Roast Battle helps them figure that out.

01:37:32.000 Yeah, they're just starting out.

01:37:33.000 Find their voice through those roast jokes.

01:37:35.000 Like we did. 0.99

01:37:37.000 Well, the jokes that they write, I'm fucking blown away. 0.90

01:37:40.000 Every time I sit in and judge them, I'll say to them afterwards, how long did you write those jokes for? 0.97

01:37:45.000 They'll be like, three months.

01:37:47.000 They literally write for a month for one roast battle.

01:37:51.000 Two of the roasters told me they have the bracket up on their wall and they're writing ahead in case they advance or for when they advance.

01:37:57.000 Well, you guys have always said it best.

01:37:59.000 It's a joke writer showcase.

01:38:00.000 Yeah.

01:38:01.000 It's such an important thing in comedy right now.

01:38:04.000 Dude, love that.

01:38:05.000 Thank you.

01:38:05.000 It is, dude.

01:38:06.000 You need to have that world exist for people in a world right now where PC and people on their toes and who knows what to say what all the time and that's such a fucking deal now. 0.53

01:38:17.000 I'm so happy that that is still being represented in the comedy world because it fucking lightens everything. 0.52

01:38:24.000 It makes everything... 0.98

01:38:26.000 All the voices shut the fuck up and enjoy two people making fun of each other. 0.98

01:38:31.000 It's like the most clean thing that we need in entertainment, especially for comedy. 0.97

01:38:37.000 Because, dude, right now I feel like you're on tippy-toes sometimes when you do shows in places and you're like, what are these people going to get offended by? 0.98

01:38:47.000 And that fucking... 0.99

01:38:53.000 Yes. 1.00

01:38:59.000 Yes.

01:39:00.000 Yes.

01:39:11.000 And that they'll actually yell out if they disagree.

01:39:13.000 It's like, that's not an option.

01:39:15.000 I had that last night.

01:39:18.000 You guys are like, not funny.

01:39:20.000 Yeah, you're going to have that.

01:39:22.000 And they feel like they have the right now because they're so used to commenting on things.

01:39:26.000 They're so used to commenting on things on social media.

01:39:28.000 That's what it is.

01:39:29.000 YouTube comments.

01:39:31.000 We don't troll on the internet, we troll to each other's faces.

01:39:34.000 Yeah, well no, that's a different animal.

01:39:35.000 Look, Roast Battle is so beautiful because it's a pure competition. 0.99

01:39:38.000 It's like, you know, Mike is so doom, and then, oh shit, and then here we go, counter. 0.99

01:39:45.000 It's like you're playing a game. 0.99

01:39:48.000 Sometimes the ball goes out of bounds and sometimes it doesn't work.

01:39:52.000 Sometimes you hit net. 1.00

01:39:54.000 Sometimes you fucking smash it right in their face. 0.99

01:39:56.000 It really is amazing in that way. 1.00

01:39:59.000 I would say you're more apt to win if you go harder.

01:40:05.000 There's not too many people that lose by going too far, is there?

01:40:08.000 No.

01:40:09.000 That's the fucking best ones I've ever seen are people that just go... 0.98

01:40:12.000 No, people are nervous. 0.98

01:40:13.000 As long as it's funny.

01:40:15.000 But what's really weird is when someone goes super mean and it's not funny.

01:40:21.000 But even that's beautiful to see. 1.00

01:40:24.000 I love that shit. 1.00

01:40:24.000 Even if it's sort of entertaining, yeah. 1.00

01:40:26.000 Of course.

01:40:27.000 Yeah, sort of.

01:40:28.000 They don't win, but it's good, fun entertainment.

01:40:31.000 Well, it's squirmy.

01:40:33.000 Thank God the audience knows that Failure in comedy is still a thing that's not just like, everything's not just a special prefabricated late night set.

01:40:42.000 I think a lot of people, because they only see comedy in that way, they see specials on Netflix, they see late night sets, things that are tight and are formula that have been practiced, that when they come see live comedy, an inch of any sort of faltering and they're like,

01:40:58.000 what?

01:40:59.000 Are you not a pro?

01:41:00.000 Yeah.

01:41:02.000 Santino, you're about to release your Netflix special, right?

01:41:05.000 No, on Showtime.

01:41:07.000 So when that comes out, do you abandon your material now?

01:41:10.000 I mean, I've already started to implement a bunch of new stuff and do both right now before it even comes out just because I'm trying to get in the habit.

01:41:19.000 But yeah, I mean, I think so.

01:41:21.000 I mean, that's a personal thing.

01:41:22.000 I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it, but I think I'm trying to...

01:41:27.000 Get rid of that stuff and try all new stuff. 0.99

01:41:29.000 I'm going to stop doing your shit probably in a couple weeks. 0.99

01:41:32.000 I'm hoping. 1.00

01:41:33.000 You do it so much better, that's the problem.

01:41:36.000 That's why I sit and watch you do me after.

01:41:38.000 No, yeah, I'm trying to abandon it.

01:41:41.000 But I'm not trying to do...

01:41:44.000 A special every year type of thing.

01:41:46.000 I don't think that's for me.

01:41:47.000 I know that that's like the new thing, but I don't.

01:41:49.000 I think even Louie's backed off of that. 0.51

01:41:51.000 I mean, a lot of people have that aspiration of like, I'll do one every fucking year, and I'm always like, what for though? 0.67

01:41:57.000 Well, wait to see what kind of year you have. 0.92

01:41:59.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:41:59.000 I mean, I have years where I write like a motherfucker, and I have years where I'm like, I'll look at a set list on my computer that says January 2016, and I look at it recently, and I'm like, wow, this is not that different than what I'm doing now. 0.95

01:42:15.000 I see a bunch of stuff I tried that didn't work, and then I have years where, yeah, I will come up with close to an hour. 0.95

01:42:21.000 This is going to be the year where every comedy, that's the one thing, every comic will have three specials a year.

01:42:26.000 Yeah.

01:42:27.000 All right.

01:42:27.000 I want everyone to have three.

01:42:29.000 Everyone's going to get three.

01:42:31.000 Dude, you can do Trump.

01:42:32.000 A little.

01:42:33.000 Just a little bit.

01:42:34.000 Give me a little something.

01:42:35.000 I heard it.

01:42:35.000 I like Joe Rogan.

01:42:37.000 Joe's good.

01:42:38.000 You know what?

01:42:39.000 He's a fighter.

01:42:39.000 That's why I like fighters.

01:42:41.000 He's a fighter.

01:42:41.000 I like fighters.

01:42:42.000 That's not bad.

01:42:43.000 It's good, except you got to get the R out of there on the New York accent.

01:42:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:42:47.000 You're close enough.

01:42:48.000 Fight it.

01:42:49.000 You're almost there.

01:42:50.000 Where are you from?

01:42:50.000 Chicago.

01:42:51.000 Oh.

01:42:53.000 I can't do his voice.

01:42:55.000 I can't make that sound.

01:42:56.000 I can imitate certain people's voices, but I have a very limited range.

01:43:00.000 The people I can do, I can do good, but I can't do him.

01:43:05.000 Trump is almost so quote-unquote simple that that's why anybody that comes down on SNL, there's a lot of people that can do the impression, but they were saying how hard Hillary was.

01:43:17.000 Which I get. 0.98

01:43:18.000 I didn't really think about it, but I was like, oh yeah, she's such a fucking hard voice to imitate. 0.97

01:43:23.000 Do you know what I mean? 0.98

01:43:24.000 Trump, that's another reason it's so cartoonishly perfect that you're like, anybody who can do a voice like that is going to get- Well, and Bernie was easy as hell.

01:43:35.000 Oh my God. 0.99

01:43:35.000 He's just an old Jew. 0.99

01:43:36.000 It just was Larry David. 0.99

01:43:38.000 Yeah, Bernie was the evil.

01:43:39.000 We're going to have a political revolution, and then we're going out for soup.

01:43:43.000 We're going out for soup.

01:43:45.000 Everybody pays for their own soup.

01:43:47.000 He's like Jackie Mason a little bit.

01:43:49.000 Hey.

01:43:50.000 Listen, kid.

01:43:52.000 That's what he said to the Pope.

01:43:53.000 I said, I met the Pope.

01:43:54.000 I said, listen, kid.

01:43:55.000 You're doing a great job with the Catholics.

01:43:57.000 Did you see him today?

01:43:58.000 He was doing that, he did something today or yesterday.

01:44:02.000 Who?

01:44:02.000 Bernie Sanders, where he's grilling the guy.

01:44:04.000 I was at the Senate confirmation hearings.

01:44:06.000 Yeah.

01:44:07.000 Trying to make some sense of all of this.

01:44:09.000 I don't know.

01:44:13.000 Trump's bringing in this guy that's kind of a climate change denier.

01:44:18.000 Yes.

01:44:18.000 So you're telling me that you're responsible for the climate.

01:44:21.000 You don't even know if it's raining out.

01:44:23.000 I shouldn't necessarily say he's a climate change denier.

01:44:29.000 He's a skeptic to the science.

01:44:31.000 You think it's true?

01:44:32.000 You deny it?

01:44:32.000 You think it's true?

01:44:33.000 You deny it?

01:44:34.000 What's the truth?

01:44:36.000 Let's get soup.

01:44:38.000 Let's get some soup.

01:44:39.000 You still owe me $2 for that split piece.

01:44:43.000 He's got a tab at Cantor's.

01:44:45.000 Listen.

01:44:46.000 My Cantor's tab.

01:44:48.000 How's the lockers tonight, baby?

01:44:51.000 I would love to have a little new president.

01:44:53.000 You know, they're so nurturing.

01:44:55.000 He seems like a genuinely nice guy.

01:44:59.000 Who's that?

01:45:00.000 Bernie Sanders.

01:45:01.000 Yeah, he does.

01:45:02.000 To me, he does.

01:45:03.000 He seems like a genuinely nice guy. 1.00

01:45:05.000 But don't we know that anybody who has kind of the audacity and fucking self-indulgence to want to be president is also behind that fucking crazy person. 0.99

01:45:14.000 I'm sure he's a nice person. 0.99

01:45:16.000 I was there for the right reasons.

01:45:17.000 I beg to differ.

01:45:19.000 I spent 22 years in the Senate.

01:45:21.000 I was mayor of my town of Vermont.

01:45:23.000 Or isn't it possible that someone could not want to be president until they realize that the country's back is up against the wall and that's when he finally ran?

01:45:30.000 It is possible.

01:45:34.000 Sure. 0.97

01:45:35.000 Do you think had the DNC not fucking strategically shoved Hillary Clinton in front of him, if he had fucking won, do you think he could have beat Trump? 0.98

01:45:54.000 That's just an open speculation. 0.98

01:45:57.000 Who knows how it would have played out?

01:46:00.000 I'm so fucking curious to see that.

01:46:02.000 Is that something I'm prepared to discuss at this time? 0.87

01:46:06.000 Would you think you would have won, Bernie, or what? 0.99

01:46:09.000 You think you would have fucking... 0.99

01:46:10.000 Beat Trump? 1.00

01:46:11.000 I think I would have given him a run for his money.

01:46:13.000 I think I would have won in the key states.

01:46:17.000 What key states do you think you would have beat him?

01:46:18.000 I think I would have won in...

01:46:20.000 You think Michigan you would have taken down?

01:46:22.000 I think head-to-head I would have been very competitive with the Trump campaign.

01:46:25.000 Oh, wow.

01:46:26.000 I think we're both outsiders.

01:46:28.000 Right.

01:46:28.000 Definitely.

01:46:29.000 Definitely, definitely.

01:46:30.000 You should do your Trump impression now and you guys should duel.

01:46:34.000 Listen, I'm sorry, Mr. President, I can't accept your presidency.

01:46:40.000 I'm stepping out of government.

01:46:41.000 I'm taking a job at Goldman Sachs.

01:46:43.000 I need to make some money.

01:46:46.000 You're welcome.

01:46:47.000 That's what I would say.

01:46:47.000 You're welcome.

01:46:48.000 I think I've done for you more than you've ever done for me.

01:46:51.000 So you're welcome.

01:46:52.000 You want to make college free?

01:46:54.000 You want to make college free?

01:46:56.000 I'm going to charge four times for college.

01:46:57.000 Four times.

01:46:58.000 More debt.

01:46:58.000 Mr. Trump, I beg your pardon.

01:47:00.000 Don't beg me.

01:47:01.000 Don't beg me.

01:47:02.000 Don't beg me.

01:47:03.000 What's in those tax returns?

01:47:04.000 I'm not going to show you my tax returns.

01:47:05.000 I don't need to show you.

01:47:06.000 Some undisclosed payments to your barber?

01:47:07.000 I don't think so.

01:47:12.000 My stylist does what he does very well.

01:47:13.000 He does very well.

01:47:14.000 I have a trans stylist, by the way.

01:47:16.000 I have a trans stylist.

01:47:17.000 You want to talk about trans culture?

01:47:19.000 I have trans stylists.

01:47:20.000 Okay, don't tell me I don't like the LGBTQ community.

01:47:23.000 I'm very low budget.

01:47:25.000 I'm working on that.

01:47:26.000 I care more about the important things in life.

01:47:28.000 You look like you shop at the dollar store. 1.00

01:47:30.000 It's pathetic. 1.00

01:47:31.000 I tried the Trump steaks. 1.00

01:47:32.000 They were harder to digest than your foreign policy.

01:47:34.000 Trump steaks are delicious.

01:47:35.000 Don't listen to that.

01:47:36.000 They're better than Omaha steaks.

01:47:38.000 Don't listen to that.

01:47:39.000 We have premium cows.

01:47:41.000 Our cows are beautiful.

01:47:42.000 They're shipped over from California.

01:47:48.000 I don't appreciate your racist comments that you've made in the past.

01:47:51.000 I'm not racist.

01:47:52.000 I'm racial.

01:47:53.000 Making fun of people with disabilities.

01:47:55.000 Oh, what, what, what? 0.99

01:47:56.000 I can't mock a retard anymore? 1.00

01:47:57.000 What's the news coming to today? 0.98

01:47:58.000 I can't do that.

01:47:59.000 I can't sit up there and jiggle my wrist like we used to when we were seven. 0.63

01:48:02.000 Screw you, Bern. 0.96

01:48:05.000 I'm going to mock a tard once in a while. 1.00

01:48:06.000 Get used to it, America.

01:48:09.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:48:11.000 That's legitimately what would come out of his fucking brain. 1.00

01:48:15.000 That's for sure. 1.00

01:48:16.000 And you know what? 0.99

01:48:17.000 That would be fed live to America, an argument between those two, and fucking his fans would love it even more. 0.99

01:48:23.000 He's right. 0.99

01:48:23.000 He should mock fucking Reed. 0.99

01:48:24.000 Fine. 1.00

01:48:25.000 Fun.

01:48:26.000 That's what my buddy said to his mom.

01:48:27.000 She was a diehard Trump supporter, and he said, justify seriously to me.

01:48:33.000 Justify how he could mock a handicapped person. 0.99

01:48:38.000 Just tell me what's the fucking spin on that. 0.99

01:48:41.000 He said it wasn't because he was... 0.99

01:48:43.000 Just watch it once.

01:48:45.000 Volume off.

01:48:46.000 Watch it once.

01:48:47.000 No one in the world...

01:48:49.000 Someone who speaks no English and doesn't understand our culture would go, well, they're probably making fun of, it looks like they're making a character of somebody. 0.63

01:48:59.000 It was this kid who was a comedian.

01:49:00.000 But you know he does that about everybody that he thinks is flustered?

01:49:03.000 There's like a whole series.

01:49:04.000 I saw that.

01:49:05.000 Oh, really?

01:49:05.000 Yeah.

01:49:06.000 Like every time he thinks he goes, he does that when no one knows what they're doing.

01:49:09.000 Oh, and he's trying to figure this out.

01:49:12.000 Literally, that's his thing that he does.

01:49:14.000 I'm not defending him, but the real fact is he always does that.

01:49:18.000 Right.

01:49:19.000 They showed a video of them looping, but specifically, he did this arm thing like that.

01:49:24.000 Yeah, it was more specific.

01:49:26.000 More extra.

01:49:27.000 Yeah, it was definitely like wrists banging against each other kind of a move.

01:49:31.000 He does this in some of them open handy, and then this was kind of like...

01:49:35.000 I mean, it was just like what... 0.94

01:49:37.000 What when you were a punk kid in third grade or fourth grade were doing to each other, mocking shit, it was so obvious that that's what it was.

01:49:45.000 There was this comic, and you guys probably wouldn't even remember him, but he was an L.A. comic, one of those guys that was just always around, and you never really saw him go on stage much. 0.89

01:49:54.000 Earl Skakel.

01:49:55.000 And he had these giant front teeth and like a receded upper lip so that his teeth just like jutted out. 0.69

01:50:04.000 And I'm talking to him and I don't know what the fuck was going through my mind but subconsciously I like curled my lip up above my teeth and then he just looked at me and he goes, oh that's really funny.

01:50:17.000 And I realized like in a second that I was doing it. 0.84

01:50:21.000 Right. 0.98

01:50:21.000 And I was so fucking embarrassed. 0.98

01:50:23.000 I didn't know what to say. 0.96

01:50:24.000 Oh my god.

01:50:27.000 That's kind of like when someone's twitching, you just naturally just do it with them for some reason.

01:50:31.000 I think it's a monkey response.

01:50:32.000 Monkey see, monkey do.

01:50:34.000 It's like subconscious.

01:50:35.000 Like when someone yawns and you start yawning?

01:50:37.000 Right. 0.99

01:50:38.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:50:39.000 Or when someone has a fucking thing on their face, you just kind of even feel it on your face. 1.00

01:50:44.000 Do you know what I mean? 0.99

01:50:45.000 It's not there, but you start to feel it on your own face, and then you've got to go, dude, it fucking... 0.95

01:50:49.000 What are you doing, Jeff Ross? 0.95

01:50:51.000 Somebody knocked?

01:50:54.000 There was no one there.

01:50:56.000 Someone knocked.

01:50:58.000 Jeff, this has been a blast.

01:51:00.000 I came in an hour before these.

01:51:02.000 You were the first ever on a live podcast from the Comedy Store.

01:51:08.000 I had a big day.

01:51:09.000 I want to rest. 1.00

01:51:10.000 Yeah, you had a lot of shit going on here. 0.99

01:51:11.000 And you've got big shows. 0.99

01:51:12.000 Tomorrow's when you tape, right?

01:51:13.000 So, one more time for everybody.

01:51:15.000 Roast Battle.

01:51:16.000 January 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th on Comedy Central.

01:51:21.000 It'll be great.

01:51:22.000 John Mayer, Sarah Silverman, Jason Sudeikis, Snoop Dogg, Jesselneck, Whitney.

01:51:28.000 Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

01:51:30.000 All live on Comedy Central.

01:51:32.000 You're in the sizzle reel that opens the show.

01:51:36.000 I'm so proud.

01:51:37.000 Nice! 0.94

01:51:38.000 It's really fun.

01:51:39.000 Andrew Santino, your Showtime special?

01:51:40.000 What's it called?

01:51:42.000 It's called Home Field Advantage.

01:51:43.000 I did it in Chicago at the theater.

01:51:46.000 Are you from?

01:51:46.000 Yeah.

01:51:47.000 Oh, beautiful.

01:51:47.000 You already said that when you were talking about the accent.

01:51:49.000 I forgot.

01:51:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:51:50.000 And I did it in the theater that I used to go watch bands in when I was in high school.

01:51:53.000 It was such a fucking surreal thing. 0.98

01:51:55.000 That's fucking awesome. 0.99

01:51:56.000 It was fucking wild. 0.99

01:51:56.000 When is it out? 0.99

01:51:57.000 See you, man.

01:51:58.000 June.

01:51:58.000 It'll be out in June.

01:51:59.000 June.

01:51:59.000 Beautiful.

01:52:00.000 Powerful Jeff Ross.

01:52:03.000 Greg Fitzsimmons, Fitzdog Radio Podcast.

01:52:07.000 Tour dates coming up.

01:52:09.000 Tacoma.

01:52:10.000 Austin.

01:52:12.000 Tampa.

01:52:16.000 Phoenix.

01:52:17.000 I'll be coming to Phoenix.

01:52:19.000 Go to Fitzdog.com.

01:52:21.000 A lot of shows.

01:52:22.000 What's that?

01:52:25.000 I know.

01:52:26.000 Live poker game.

01:52:28.000 Like a live poker podcast.

01:52:29.000 That'd be perfect for that.

01:52:30.000 I don't know how to play.

01:52:31.000 It'd be awesome.

01:52:32.000 Well, that camera, you stick it in the middle of the table and you can see everybody playing.

01:52:35.000 Get an air conditioner. 0.99

01:52:38.000 Yeah, we could do some shit to this room. 0.99

01:52:39.000 This room's pretty badass. 0.99

01:52:41.000 It's cool that they have it.

01:52:47.000 Yeah, it's not bad.

01:52:50.000 It's a good spot.

01:52:51.000 It's cool.

01:52:56.000 Yeah.

01:52:56.000 Well, you can definitely hear the piano.

01:52:59.000 We've got to get a TV down here.

01:53:01.000 We can see what's going on on the stage.

01:53:02.000 We could.

01:53:02.000 We could get a monitor and watch everybody.

01:53:05.000 That would be fun.

01:53:06.000 That would be so fun.

01:53:07.000 Yeah, we could easily do that.

01:53:08.000 Like Mystery Science Theater comics that we know.

01:53:10.000 Yeah, that's not like Roger Science.

01:53:11.000 Jeff, thanks, buddy.

01:53:13.000 Thank you.

01:53:14.000 Always a pleasure, my friend.

01:53:15.000 I'm going to come by tomorrow.

01:53:16.000 I gave you a dainty, womanly handshake there. 1.00

01:53:19.000 It was like...

01:53:20.000 Thank you, sir. 1.00

01:53:25.000 And Greg, where can people get a hold of your shit? 0.99

01:53:29.000 FittsDog.com, baby! 1.00

01:53:30.000 FittsDog.com and Greg Fitts Radio is your Twitter, right?

01:53:34.000 FittsDog.

01:53:35.000 FittsDog.

01:53:36.000 That's it, folks.

01:53:37.000 You have been witness to the very first ever and it went into the 20th so it's an inauguration podcast in a lot of ways.

01:53:43.000 Oh, it is?

01:53:44.000 Yeah, because we're here.

01:53:45.000 It's the 20th. 1.00

01:53:47.000 And that's it, you fucks. 0.99

01:53:49.000 First time ever. 0.99

01:53:50.000 Comedy Store live podcast.

01:53:51.000 We'll do it again.

01:53:52.000 It was fun.

01:53:55.000 Awesome.

01:53:55.000 Yeah, it was a cool idea, right?

01:53:57.000 Yeah.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 20, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #902 - Live Underground from The Comedy Store

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript