The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #909 - Bill Burr

00:00:00.000 Let's clear our throats to start.

00:00:05.000 This stuff is good.

00:00:06.000 We're live? 1.00

00:00:06.000 That's it, fuckers. 1.00

00:00:07.000 That's it. 1.00

00:00:08.000 I'm pushing the fucking computer away. 0.99

00:00:10.000 I got throat code T. That's right. 0.99

00:00:12.000 You're ready to go.

00:00:12.000 Billy Burr.

00:00:13.000 Hey, how are you?

00:00:14.000 Netflix special.

00:00:15.000 Out today.

00:00:15.000 Out now.

00:00:16.000 That's right.

00:00:16.000 Walk your way out.

00:00:17.000 Shot at the Ryman Theater in Nashville, Tennessee.

00:00:20.000 That's where they used to do Grand Ole Opry.

00:00:21.000 It's a beautiful place.

00:00:22.000 Yeah, and I had done it in 2014. Vince Vaughn, Wild West, he has a comedy festival there.

00:00:29.000 I don't know if you've done it yet.

00:00:29.000 That's where I did it.

00:00:30.000 I did the rhyming there for the same reason.

00:00:32.000 Yeah, so I went out there and everyone was like, I don't know, it's the first place they did the Grand Ole Opry, Elvis, Hank Williams, whatever.

00:00:38.000 And you're like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:00:39.000 Another theater.

00:00:40.000 And you walk in and you're like, oh, wait a minute.

00:00:41.000 It just had that magic in it.

00:00:43.000 And I was...

00:00:44.000 Went out, and I had this great set, and that's just, you know, you just stick it in the card catalog going, all right, next time I have, uh, I was like, I just burned all this material, so I gotta write a whole new hour and come back here, and so next time, um, you know, I go to shoot something, I think that was about a month before I did the Tabernacle,

00:01:00.000 uh, for my one previous to that, so I already knew, which was cool, before I wrote my next hour where I was gonna shoot it, so.

00:01:06.000 Are you on a two-year schedule, you think?

00:01:08.000 Do you think that's the way to do it?

00:01:10.000 Roughly two years, but I have like a vibe of when, like this one was overcooked, and just because I got real busy with F is for Family, I would have liked to have taped it like about six months earlier, but it made it, I think it made it better or whatever,

00:01:26.000 but I would have, just as far as...

00:01:29.000 You know what I mean?

00:01:30.000 It's kind of like in this business, there's that thing you don't want to be overexposed, but then you don't want to wait too long.

00:01:37.000 So you got to try to...

00:01:38.000 And then that's also not like, oh, so-and-so's successful and he waits X amount of time, so I'm going to do the exact thing.

00:01:45.000 It's really...

00:01:47.000 It's really like whatever you're trying to do.

00:01:50.000 So it's kind of different for different people.

00:01:51.000 Like those YouTube stars, like their thing is all about just constantly putting out stuff. 0.97

00:01:57.000 Where I think the road that I'm on is, you know, like right now I'm out there promoting this shit. 0.53

00:02:04.000 And then once it comes out and everybody's seen it and they're liking it and I'm done promoting it, then I just sort of disappear until F is for Family comes out. 0.97

00:02:12.000 I'm kind of a big believer in that.

00:02:15.000 You know, be out there when you got something that's going on. 1.00

00:02:18.000 Don't just do shit to do shit. 1.00

00:02:20.000 Right. 1.00

00:02:21.000 I call that like extra TV. Hey, he's just here to be here.

00:02:24.000 Right.

00:02:25.000 And now he's over there.

00:02:26.000 There's that guy again. 0.99

00:02:27.000 Because I find myself, people that I'm fans of starting to hate people going like, I can't fucking get away from this fucking guy. 0.97

00:02:34.000 And then I'm thinking like, do I actually hate this person? 0.98

00:02:36.000 I don't know what it is, but there's definitely a tipping point.

00:02:39.000 You know who's real smart about that?

00:02:40.000 Daniel Tosh. 0.99

00:02:41.000 He doesn't do shit. 1.00

00:02:43.000 He doesn't do a fucking thing. 1.00

00:02:44.000 He sells out everywhere he goes. 1.00

00:02:46.000 He's got millions of dollars, so he's like, I don't need to do shit. 0.98

00:02:49.000 I'm overexposed as it is. 0.98

00:02:50.000 My show's on constantly.

00:02:51.000 I'm not doing nothing.

00:02:52.000 He won't do interviews, doesn't do podcasts.

00:02:54.000 Yeah.

00:02:55.000 Adam Sandler's another guy.

00:02:56.000 Yeah.

00:02:56.000 Adam Sandler doesn't do...

00:02:57.000 I'm trying to think the last time I saw him promote a movie, and yet I see all of his movies.

00:03:03.000 Yeah.

00:03:04.000 Yeah.

00:03:04.000 And then I just hear through the grapevine, oh, he signed some big thing with Netflix.

00:03:07.000 All his movies are going to be over there.

00:03:08.000 I was like, all right, I guess I'm watching him over there.

00:03:10.000 And I've always just sort of like, and it wasn't until I talked to somebody like, yeah, he doesn't do any press.

00:03:17.000 Good for him.

00:03:18.000 He's smart.

00:03:18.000 I might be wrong, but from what I heard, he does very little if he does any.

00:03:22.000 Yeah, no, he's smart.

00:03:23.000 He's got his core audience, you know?

00:03:24.000 I watched Jack and Jill with my kids, with my six-year-old and my eight-year-old. 0.96

00:03:29.000 It is fucking hilarious when you watch a really silly movie with a six-year-old and an eight-year-old, and they're literally falling off the couch laughing. 0.86

00:03:39.000 That's awesome. 0.99

00:03:40.000 And you realize, like, oh, he's making movies for little kids. 1.00

00:03:43.000 Like, people who get mad at it, you know, like, oh, those movies are stupid. 1.00

00:03:46.000 Not if you're six. 1.00

00:03:47.000 If you're six, they're fucking awesome. 1.00

00:03:49.000 Or what if you just get in a stupid movie? 1.00

00:03:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:51.000 That's what I like. 1.00

00:03:52.000 I don't want to fucking think every time I go see him. 0.98

00:03:54.000 Sometimes I just want somebody to make me laugh. 0.98

00:03:55.000 Right.

00:03:55.000 I liked the Zohan one.

00:03:58.000 I loved that movie.

00:03:59.000 Yeah.

00:03:59.000 I loved it.

00:03:59.000 When his foot was coming up, it was hilarious.

00:04:01.000 Dude, I remember when I was living with Bobby Kelly, we watched Waterboy.

00:04:05.000 Bobby Boucher. 0.99

00:04:06.000 We watched that thing like fucking 900 times. 0.99

00:04:08.000 It was kind of like our go-to. 0.99

00:04:10.000 You know, if we didn't have spots, you try to kill a day.

00:04:12.000 We had the little VHS thing.

00:04:14.000 Yes.

00:04:16.000 I probably saw that movie at least 30, 40 times.

00:04:19.000 Yeah, and Happy Gilmore.

00:04:20.000 I saw Happy Gilmore at least 10 times. 0.99

00:04:23.000 That's a fucking great movie. 0.98

00:04:24.000 I forget the name of the last one he did with Spade when he worked at the bank in the supermarket. 0.99

00:04:29.000 Did you watch that one?

00:04:30.000 That was his first Netflix one.

00:04:31.000 It came out like last year.

00:04:32.000 No, I didn't see it.

00:04:33.000 My short-term memory is short, but that was a funny one too.

00:04:36.000 No, his movies, they're always consistently that way.

00:04:39.000 You know, that kind of movie. 0.98

00:04:41.000 No, and I like that they're unapologetically silly. 0.99

00:04:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:04:44.000 Because, you know, he's a guy that gets a lot of shit and he just doesn't give a shit. 1.00

00:04:48.000 It's like, oh, alright, you didn't like this one? 1.00

00:04:50.000 Here's another one that made a zillion dollars.

00:04:51.000 Yeah, avoid the press.

00:04:53.000 Find your core audience.

00:04:54.000 Do what you gotta do.

00:04:55.000 Yeah.

00:04:56.000 I like that, what you're doing.

00:04:57.000 I like that sort of schedule.

00:04:59.000 I feel like that's kind of like the same amount of time that I do.

00:05:03.000 Around a year and a half, I start thinking, this thing's about done.

00:05:07.000 And a year in, I feel like, well, I could kind of pull it off, but not really.

00:05:11.000 It's not smart.

00:05:12.000 You don't want to do that.

00:05:12.000 You take it out of the oven too soon, then there's just like that, ah.

00:05:17.000 The inside was still a little mushy. 0.99

00:05:19.000 It's just like, you know, I... Yeah, you go out there and you kick the shit out of them every couple of years. 0.97

00:05:26.000 Hopefully they like it and then they'll come see you again on your next tour. 0.96

00:05:30.000 And that's all you owe them and that's all they owe you.

00:05:34.000 It's just like, I saw your last one, you're still in my wheelhouse of people I'm gonna go see. 1.00

00:05:39.000 But the second you fuck up... 1.00

00:05:41.000 I'm not gonna go see you. 0.99

00:05:42.000 And you can't ask fans to do any more than that.

00:05:45.000 No!

00:05:46.000 What about the other stuff I did that didn't suck?

00:05:48.000 No, no, no.

00:05:49.000 Yeah, but your last thing sucked, and there's too much unbelievable stuff being put out, so you gotta kinda try and keep up.

00:05:55.000 Yeah, Ari Shafir had a real good point about that, too.

00:05:58.000 He said that at one point in time, comedians used to have, they used to do a special, and it was like their best special, like an HBO special.

00:06:07.000 And then they would slide off.

00:06:09.000 They would all slide off.

00:06:10.000 Every one of them.

00:06:11.000 Like, Kinnison's the worst.

00:06:12.000 Like, Kinnison, you watch Kinnison's first special, and then you watch, like, listen to Louder Than Hell, that cassette, and watch his first HBO special. 0.99

00:06:20.000 Fucking genius. 0.99

00:06:21.000 Just balls out. 0.99

00:06:23.000 And if you don't get it, I understand because it's not 1986 anymore, but if you were in 1986 and you saw that, you would have been blown away.

00:06:30.000 You would have been, like, in the presence of greatness.

00:06:32.000 Like, No, he's on my Mount Rushmore, that guy.

00:06:34.000 Me too.

00:06:35.000 But then the stuff after that was dog shit. 1.00

00:06:37.000 It got worse and worse and worse. 0.99

00:06:40.000 He kind of, as far as I can just, I mean, I never met the guy, but just as far as watching him as a fan, he kind of seemed like he stepped in every single pitfall.

00:06:50.000 Of getting some fame.

00:06:52.000 Yep.

00:06:52.000 Everything, like not trying as hard.

00:06:54.000 Coke, girls. 1.00

00:06:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:06:57.000 Showing up late to shit. 1.00

00:06:58.000 Hanging out with Bon Jovi. 1.00

00:06:59.000 Getting a bad reputation.

00:07:00.000 No, Motley Crue.

00:07:01.000 He wasn't- Bon Jovi too.

00:07:02.000 Yeah, it was one of his early specials.

00:07:05.000 Like, Bon Jovi was on the beginning of his special.

00:07:08.000 I just remember he drove Motley Crue to the whiskey for the Kickstart My Heart video.

00:07:14.000 Oh, that's right.

00:07:15.000 That's right.

00:07:16.000 I'm a child of the 80s, dude.

00:07:17.000 Oh, that's a great video. 0.98

00:07:19.000 That fucking kickstarted my heart still to this day. 0.99

00:07:21.000 When that comes out at the gym, I get fired up. 0.99

00:07:23.000 Oh, it's a great song. 1.00

00:07:24.000 It's a great fucking song. 1.00

00:07:25.000 The dialogue in the beginning is brutal, though. 1.00

00:07:27.000 He goes, here we are.

00:07:28.000 He gets something like, this is where it all began.

00:07:30.000 And the guy goes, and then some of the car goes, yeah.

00:07:34.000 Then he goes, home, sweet home.

00:07:36.000 And then they all go, yeah.

00:07:38.000 Oh, God.

00:07:39.000 Pull that up.

00:07:39.000 Pull that up, Jamie.

00:07:40.000 Give me some volume.

00:07:41.000 Dude, it was the 80s, though.

00:07:43.000 It was...

00:07:49.000 Kinnison's driving!

00:07:51.000 Yeah, Kinnison's driving. 0.99

00:07:53.000 But Tommy Lee's drums in this are fucking amazing, man. 0.99

00:07:57.000 Wow. 0.98

00:07:58.000 You forget how long these guys have been around and how long Tommy Lee's been around.

00:08:02.000 How are his arms not falling off?

00:08:06.000 Give me a little volume on that, Jamie.

00:08:08.000 I want to hear this. 1.00

00:08:09.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

00:08:10.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

00:08:12.000 This is the best treadmill song of all time. 1.00

00:08:16.000 If you're on the fucking treadmill... 1.00

00:08:18.000 That you did it? 1.00

00:08:26.000 It's a fucking great song for working out, man. 0.99

00:08:30.000 I think this is their best song ever. 0.99

00:08:35.000 Did you really?

00:08:37.000 Oh, wow.

00:08:40.000 You were explaining to me something before the podcast started.

00:08:46.000 I wanted you to talk about it on the podcast because you were talking about drum technique and you had like a slow motion video of how you do it and you're kind of letting the stick do a lot of the work.

00:08:56.000 Yeah, I got this great teacher, Dave Elitch, who played with everybody from Mars Volta to like Miley Cyrus.

00:09:02.000 So whatever your gig is, like total progressive, crazy, I can't even, you know...

00:09:07.000 We're good to go. 0.85

00:09:25.000 You know, as I've, you know, gone and taken lessons for well over a year with them, now I can watch it on a different level as far as, like, his technique is sick, so he's not fucking his arms up and everything.

00:09:34.000 He's moving his arms, giving people his show, but, like, it's hard to explain, like, first of all, I'm not a professional drummer, but it's also hard to explain, like, over a podcast, but, like, he's, yeah, it's letting the stick do the work and...

00:09:47.000 He kind of equated it to if you're dribbling a ball or something like that, or maybe it was somebody else.

00:09:51.000 If you dribble a basketball, it's like every time it comes up to your hand, once you get it going, you're not slamming it back down to the floor.

00:09:56.000 You're just sort of controlling the rebound.

00:09:58.000 It has something sorted to do...

00:10:00.000 There it is!

00:10:00.000 This is the one.

00:10:01.000 If you play...

00:10:02.000 If you turn up the volume... 1.00

00:10:06.000 This is just gonna bore the shit out of people listening to a fucking drunk track. 0.99

00:10:09.000 No, no, no, it's not. 0.99

00:10:10.000 You see it in his hands, how loose his hands are.

00:10:12.000 See when he just opens his hand like that?

00:10:14.000 He's getting, you know... 1.00

00:10:16.000 This guy's a fucking animal, man! 1.00

00:10:19.000 You love drumming, huh? 1.00

00:10:21.000 You're fucking really deep into this shit. 1.00

00:10:24.000 It's literally... 1.00

00:10:25.000 I tried therapy, I tried talking to people and shit, and it's just like...

00:10:29.000 I only get so far, but that stuff just totally clears my head, and I like it because it's like comedy where there's somewhere to go with it, and it's endless.

00:10:39.000 There's really no...

00:10:41.000 End to how good you can come as a comic if you keep pushing yourself with these little skill sets that, you know, they're kind of weak and you can just keep making, you know, working on them.

00:10:50.000 Drumming's the same way.

00:10:51.000 So it's that going for the next thing that has me just present, trying to work it out, and I just forget about everything else.

00:10:59.000 And, you know, I even got a kid now.

00:11:02.000 My wife still lets me go play for an hour a day because she knows it's good for us.

00:11:05.000 So that's like, it's like a meditation.

00:11:08.000 Yeah.

00:11:08.000 On top of, like, a little bit of a workout, too, because you're throwing your arms around.

00:11:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:11.000 They're all shredded.

00:11:13.000 Like, you do look at guys like Travis Barker and Tommy Lee.

00:11:15.000 Those guys have jacked veins.

00:11:17.000 They're all shredded.

00:11:18.000 Yeah.

00:11:18.000 Well, yeah.

00:11:19.000 Well, part of that, I think, is also, like, if you just sort of struggle.

00:11:23.000 There's also something, too, and I'm not talking about anybody you just mentioned, but there is something.

00:11:27.000 Something about if you do heroin in your 20s, you're kind of, like, shredded for life.

00:11:31.000 I don't know what...

00:11:32.000 I don't know what it is.

00:11:33.000 Iggy Pop.

00:11:34.000 I don't know if he did heroin.

00:11:35.000 If he did hard drugs.

00:11:36.000 Oh, he definitely did.

00:11:37.000 Those guys are like, those guys are just shredded. 0.98

00:11:39.000 It's very rare that after you come out of that, you know, Keith Richards, all of those guys, they're just, Keith Richards is like, you could pick that guy up with two fucking fingers. 0.98

00:11:48.000 Yeah, he's all sinew. 0.93

00:11:49.000 Yeah, he's all like, yeah, it's like he's did Pilates.

00:11:52.000 Nah, just shot heroin for like three years.

00:11:54.000 Look at Iggy.

00:11:56.000 He's still shredded.

00:11:57.000 His skin is giving up.

00:11:58.000 He's losing the elasticity, but he's still shredded.

00:12:03.000 Oh, he's naked there?

00:12:05.000 Yeah, his body is very odd.

00:12:08.000 I saw him...

00:12:11.000 I saw him in, well, you're looking at him now when he's like 70. I saw him with Queens of the Stone Age backing him up.

00:12:17.000 I saw him downtown LA. How long ago?

00:12:19.000 Like fucking about a year ago. 0.99

00:12:21.000 Wow. 0.99

00:12:22.000 This is what I loved about the guy. 0.99

00:12:23.000 He went out there and like one song in, he had his fucking shirt off. 1.00

00:12:29.000 He just didn't give a shit. 1.00

00:12:30.000 He's the Bert Kreischer of music. 0.99

00:12:31.000 Yeah, and that's why... 1.00

00:12:33.000 That's why when they give Madonna shit for twerking at 58, it's like, who gives a fuck? 0.99

00:12:39.000 I mean, there is something to be said about... 1.00

00:12:44.000 It's all how you do it. 0.99

00:12:45.000 He did it, I felt like he didn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:12:47.000 But if you're kind of doing this desperate thing, still trying to be good-looking, then it gets a little... 0.99

00:12:52.000 I guess it gets a little cheesy. 0.99

00:12:53.000 The Madonna thing, it's not the twerking, it's the shit that she says with the twerking. 1.00

00:13:00.000 You know, like, I'll suck everyone's dick who doesn't vote for Trump, like that kind of stuff. 1.00

00:13:05.000 Like, really? 1.00

00:13:08.000 Hey, dude, she's been able to hang around for fucking 40 years doing it. 1.00

00:13:11.000 I know, but it's just like, don't do that anymore. 0.98

00:13:14.000 What if a tooth falls out?

00:13:15.000 What if you're blowing somebody and it just goes wrong?

00:13:18.000 She's 70 years old or something.

00:13:20.000 No, she isn't.

00:13:20.000 She's 85 years old.

00:13:22.000 She's 122 years old.

00:13:24.000 She's 58. She's 10 years older than me.

00:13:25.000 She's in better shape than I'll ever be in.

00:13:28.000 She seems a lot older than that.

00:13:31.000 Doesn't she?

00:13:33.000 I mean, when we were kids, she was already a grown woman.

00:13:36.000 When she broke, she was like 25, I think.

00:13:38.000 She made it quick. 0.99

00:13:39.000 I remember when I was in high school, I've told this story before, but when I was like 16, I was in love with her, and I found out she was 27, and I was like, that bitch is old. 0.99

00:13:47.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:13:48.000 I thought 27 was ancient.

00:13:49.000 You were kicking him to the curb at 16. I just thought she was so old.

00:13:54.000 She hadn't even hit her prime yet.

00:13:56.000 I know. 0.93

00:13:56.000 I just was retarded. 0.93

00:13:58.000 I was 16. I didn't know any better, but I just remember hearing she was in her late 20s.

00:14:02.000 It's over.

00:14:03.000 Look at her.

00:14:04.000 That was when she was kind of chubby, too.

00:14:06.000 I do...

00:14:09.000 I did think 27, though, when I was a kid.

00:14:11.000 Like, when I would see a 27-year-old guy, I used to think, that's a man.

00:14:14.000 He's got it figured out.

00:14:15.000 Yeah.

00:14:16.000 He's on his own, you know. 1.00

00:14:18.000 All this bullshit I'm going through is all sorted out in his fucking head. 1.00

00:14:21.000 I used to think that. 1.00

00:14:23.000 I had a whole bit about that. 0.97

00:14:24.000 Now I'm 48, and I'm just, like, gonna be 49 this year, and I'm just, like, still figuring shit out.

00:14:29.000 I had a whole bit about, remember when you were a kid and you thought they were real grown-ups?

00:14:33.000 Like, you were confused, you get yelled at, you get sent to your room, you're like, one day I'm gonna be a grown-up and everything's gonna make sense.

00:14:40.000 And then one day you're in line at the supermarket and someone goes, paper or plastic, sir?

00:14:43.000 And you're like, sir?

00:14:44.000 I'm a sir?

00:14:45.000 Am I a grown-up? 1.00

00:14:46.000 Fuck, this is it? 1.00

00:14:47.000 Then you realize, there's no grown-ups. 1.00

00:14:49.000 There's just a bunch of babies who got older.

00:14:51.000 And they're all pretending.

00:14:53.000 And they look like they're grown-up to you because you're on the outside, but once you become one of them, you realize there is no grown-ups.

00:14:58.000 There's some out there.

00:14:59.000 There's some men and women out there.

00:15:00.000 I'm not one of them.

00:15:01.000 Have you met one?

00:15:01.000 Yeah.

00:15:02.000 Like who?

00:15:02.000 Name one.

00:15:03.000 I've met a few as far as like in this business, as far as like people just like, I would say anybody like who was, they have like, they're super successful in this business, but, and they just go home.

00:15:17.000 You know what I mean?

00:15:18.000 They just go home.

00:15:19.000 Like that's an adult.

00:15:22.000 Right. 1.00

00:15:22.000 They go to work, they fucking crush it. 1.00

00:15:25.000 If there is an after party, they make their appearance, they have a little seltzer water, and they're gone, and they get eight hours sleep. 0.99

00:15:32.000 They're talking to their wife and their kids.

00:15:34.000 To me, those are adults. 0.98

00:15:37.000 To do what I do is, you know, to still go out and fucking have a couple of whiskeys and wake up a little hungover going, oh god, why did I do that? 0.98

00:15:45.000 For the nine millionth time of my life. 0.97

00:15:47.000 Like, yeah, I'm not an adult.

00:15:49.000 Yeah, but I don't think there's anyone like that that's a comic.

00:15:52.000 I don't know anybody that's really funny that has it all totally together.

00:15:56.000 I've never met one.

00:15:57.000 Ever.

00:15:59.000 Name one.

00:16:01.000 They don't exist.

00:16:02.000 That's funny?

00:16:03.000 Yeah, they don't exist. 1.00

00:16:04.000 They're all fucked up a little bit. 1.00

00:16:06.000 Just a little... 0.99

00:16:06.000 I mean, keeping it together, like paying your taxes, showing up on time, all that good stuff. 0.99

00:16:12.000 Right.

00:16:13.000 Adult-like, but all... 0.99

00:16:15.000 Every one of us is one shitty... 0.99

00:16:17.000 This is getting depressing. 0.99

00:16:19.000 No, it's not bad, but every one of us is one shitty decision from a disaster. 0.77

00:16:23.000 Every one of us, at any point in time. 0.96

00:16:25.000 That's why when I watch people, I don't know, when I watch them fuck up their lives, like there's always, the first feeling I have is panic.

00:16:35.000 When I see it, I'm like, oh god. 0.84

00:16:37.000 Imagine what they're thinking, right?

00:16:38.000 You imagine yourself in their position.

00:16:39.000 Yeah.

00:16:39.000 God, man, what if I did that?

00:16:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:41.000 Like when you see someone pulled over for drunk driving, like, fuck. 1.00

00:16:45.000 Oh no. 1.00

00:16:46.000 Oh no. 1.00

00:16:47.000 The whole fucking thing, giving your money to the wrong people, they miss management, they fucking go broke, becoming a fucking alky. 1.00

00:16:54.000 I just read something about Rampage. 1.00

00:16:55.000 Here's one, banging the maid. 0.91

00:16:57.000 Oh, the banging the maid's a good one. 1.00

00:16:58.000 Banging the maid or the nanny. 0.81

00:16:59.000 Yeah.

00:17:00.000 You can't have a maid or a nanny in your life. 0.99

00:17:02.000 Well, if you do, they have to be disgusting. 0.97

00:17:05.000 That's like the- Didn't Ben Affleck bang his nanny? 0.93

00:17:08.000 He did, right?

00:17:09.000 That was never confirmed.

00:17:10.000 That was never confirmed.

00:17:11.000 Well, she confirmed it.

00:17:12.000 Yeah, but what does that mean?

00:17:13.000 She needs a book deal? 1.00

00:17:14.000 She got fired? 0.95

00:17:15.000 Who knows? 1.00

00:17:15.000 Unless he came out and said, I never fucked her. 1.00

00:17:19.000 And he never did that. 1.00

00:17:20.000 Jesus, dude.

00:17:20.000 You're going to do that to him?

00:17:22.000 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of his.

00:17:24.000 You know what?

00:17:25.000 You didn't like the town?

00:17:26.000 No, I didn't like him.

00:17:27.000 He went on a Bill Maher show.

00:17:30.000 Got in this ridiculous argument with Sam Harris, and I realized what he's all about. 0.67

00:17:33.000 I was like, oh, you're one of those guys. 0.99

00:17:35.000 He was like calling Sam Harris racist because he was talking about the problem with ideologies and religions and the tenets of Islam, and he started yelling at him, calling him a racist, and didn't really understand that Sam Harris is actually a scholar, knows a lot about religion, and just got way over his head and looked really stupid. 0.91

00:17:51.000 So the only difference between me and him is he did that on TV and I do it over the phone with my friends. 0.89

00:17:55.000 No.

00:17:55.000 The only difference is you're funny.

00:17:57.000 You're funny, and if you did it, you have self-deprecating humor. 0.98

00:18:00.000 You would have, you know, what the fuck am I talking about? 1.00

00:18:03.000 I don't know shit. 1.00

00:18:03.000 Go talk to the guy at the gas station I just stopped at right before I got here when I found out they didn't take credit cards. 1.00

00:18:09.000 What happened?

00:18:10.000 They just didn't take, you know, I was- You got mad at him? 1.00

00:18:13.000 I was a cunt to him. 1.00

00:18:15.000 Really? 1.00

00:18:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:17.000 Because what it was was I was getting up against being here by 11 and I got to get home to take my wife out of the house because she's going nuts staying in the house with the kids. 1.00

00:18:28.000 So I got that thing and I got to sign this other fucking life insurance. 0.99

00:18:31.000 I got to do all this adult shit. 0.99

00:18:34.000 And I'm thinking, I got this little window to get gas. 1.00

00:18:37.000 And I show up in this fucking industrial park. 0.99

00:18:39.000 There's no gas station. 0.99

00:18:40.000 I finally go in all the way down.

00:18:42.000 And the whole time, it was like, it's thrifty. 0.99

00:18:43.000 And I'm thinking, like, isn't that a fucking car rental place? 0.98

00:18:46.000 So I pull in, and I stick the credit. 0.98

00:18:49.000 Right as I stuck it in, I'm going, this is too easy.

00:18:50.000 Because I know I have the exact amount of time to get here.

00:18:53.000 Right on time.

00:18:54.000 And of course, it's just like, is this debit? 1.00

00:18:56.000 I'm like, oh, you cunt. 1.00

00:18:57.000 I'm like, no. 1.00

00:18:57.000 And they go, go in and see... 1.00

00:19:00.000 The guy behind the register.

00:19:02.000 I'm like, yeah, I try to use my credit card.

00:19:03.000 And he goes, we don't take credit cards here.

00:19:06.000 And I go, why?

00:19:08.000 And he goes, I just take debit card. 1.00

00:19:09.000 I just kept saying why, like a fucking two-year-old. 0.99

00:19:12.000 And he finally just goes, so it's cheaper! 1.00

00:19:14.000 And I was like, all right, that's a good excuse.

00:19:17.000 And I gave him like 60 bucks and it only ended up being like 39. So then I had to go back in and get my change.

00:19:21.000 And he's looking at me like, see? 1.00

00:19:23.000 You fucking idiot. 1.00

00:19:23.000 It would have cost you like 15 more. 1.00

00:19:26.000 So, I do that all the time. 0.99

00:19:27.000 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of those fucking debit card only ones. 1.00

00:19:31.000 That's stupid. 1.00

00:19:32.000 You never use your debit card. 1.00

00:19:33.000 You use your credit card anyway.

00:19:34.000 Why?

00:19:35.000 What happens?

00:19:35.000 Because that's your money.

00:19:36.000 So, if somebody takes that and then cleans you out, that's your shit. 0.99

00:19:40.000 If somebody swipes your credit card number, that's their money. 1.00

00:19:44.000 So, then they call you up and they just go, Hey, Joe, did you buy a ham hock in fucking Vancouver at a strip club? 0.98

00:19:50.000 Why, no, I didn't. 0.99

00:19:52.000 I was in Burbank.

00:19:53.000 Ham hock! 0.99

00:19:54.000 Good luck with that.

00:19:55.000 Has anybody ever bought a ham hock in his trip tour? 0.99

00:19:58.000 Dude, you've given me every piece of the fucking elk except that. 0.99

00:20:01.000 I've got some ham hock for you. 1.00

00:20:03.000 Some bone he can chop up and make marrow with.

00:20:07.000 So I got a buddy of mine who's a lawyer who prosecutes identity theft, which a lot of lawyers don't want to do because it's unbelievably tedious.

00:20:14.000 And when they call up, a lot of times they're calling up the credit card companies.

00:20:19.000 To fight for their case, they still have to go through that maze.

00:20:22.000 If you'd like to do this, press 1. If you'd like to do that, press 2. And they're trying to help them out.

00:20:27.000 But that was one thing that I remembered out of all the things he told me not to do. 0.99

00:20:30.000 He goes, don't ever use your debit card, because if they get that and they clean you out, that's your fucking money. 0.94

00:20:35.000 And then all of a sudden you've got a mortgage coming up, and then you're late, and you're like, no, but somebody took my money, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 0.99

00:20:41.000 It's your credit card.

00:20:42.000 They have to deal with it.

00:20:43.000 I had an attempt recently.

00:20:45.000 And I'm thinking, I'm wondering whether or not it's because I switched over to Windows.

00:20:49.000 Because you know, I have this Windows computer now.

00:20:51.000 I get pissed off at Mac.

00:20:55.000 Matt, I was clearing our throat, and I just cleared my throat again. 0.97

00:20:58.000 I switched over to this Windows computer, because I get mad these Macs, they switched over all the ports, and now you have this USB-C, and you have to get an adapter if you want to use all your other shit to it.

00:21:09.000 I know, I got Rosetta Stone French, right? 0.99

00:21:11.000 There's no place to stick the fucking... 0.98

00:21:13.000 Yeah, you have to get an adapter. 1.00

00:21:14.000 So I was like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:21:16.000 How about the iPhone 7 with the little fucking umbilical cord? 1.00

00:21:19.000 Yeah, the lightning thing, yeah. 0.98

00:21:20.000 Yeah, but you can get a splitter with that, where it goes with a- you can use a regular headphone jack.

00:21:25.000 But it's all extra money.

00:21:26.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:21:26.000 It's all extra money, and then you fucking lose them. 0.99

00:21:28.000 I think the idea is that eventually there's gonna be some peripherals that are more powerful, and they don't work on the existing ports. 0.68

00:21:34.000 But, you know, like, I got this Lenovo ThinkPad, and I love it.

00:21:39.000 And this is the second one that I got, because it's got everything. 0.94

00:21:42.000 It's got an Ethernet port, it's got HDMI, it's got all this shit, it's tiny, the battery life is fucking forever. 0.86

00:21:47.000 It's got this fat battery in the bottom, but... 0.97

00:21:50.000 For the first time in a long time, somebody tried to steal my identity.

00:21:53.000 And I'm like, geez, I wonder if it has to do with that.

00:21:55.000 I wonder if it's a Windows thing.

00:21:57.000 Does that make sense?

00:21:59.000 Not really?

00:22:00.000 Could be.

00:22:01.000 Could be something else.

00:22:02.000 I don't know.

00:22:03.000 But it's sneaky.

00:22:05.000 But at least when I have a business management company, they contact me.

00:22:08.000 They put the stop to it right away.

00:22:10.000 Oh, that's cool. 1.00

00:22:10.000 But it's disconcerting that your shit's out there. 1.00

00:22:14.000 You know, that someone's trying to find your social security number and attach it to your credit card and buy something. 0.99

00:22:20.000 Yeah, I've had it happening at gas stations where they put that fake scanner on they put a fake scanner over the scanner So as you scan through and you're even allowed you even are using it like you're using your credit card You're buying gas, but you gave them your credit card information.

00:22:35.000 Yeah, I've two times credit cards.

00:22:37.000 That's happening a gas station Restaurants are another big double swipe thing. 1.00

00:22:41.000 Yeah restaurants.

00:22:42.000 Well, that's people that work. 1.00

00:22:43.000 They're scumbags. 1.00

00:22:44.000 You got to go You got to go cash as much as you can. 1.00

00:22:48.000 I know right Isn't that crazy?

00:22:50.000 This never happened.

00:22:51.000 You don't know me.

00:22:52.000 I know a guy, he's dead now, but he was one of the first credit card thieves.

00:22:57.000 His name was International Sal.

00:22:59.000 That's what we used to call him, because when he got arrested, that was what his nickname was, was International Sal.

00:23:05.000 Because this was in the 70s and the 80s, when credit cards first came out.

00:23:09.000 He would get those carbon slips.

00:23:12.000 From restaurants.

00:23:13.000 And they would make up new credit cards and then sell them to criminals.

00:23:17.000 And he would just get bags and bags of cash from it.

00:23:20.000 And this guy was gambling.

00:23:23.000 He would go to the pool hall that I went to.

00:23:26.000 And just...

00:23:26.000 He was...

00:23:28.000 Like, the most perpetual loser you've ever seen in your life. 0.97

00:23:32.000 Like, he could not win. 0.94

00:23:33.000 It was a psychological...

00:23:34.000 It sounds like an Oscar-winning movie.

00:23:36.000 Yeah.

00:23:36.000 This guy's life.

00:23:37.000 Well, in a way, it probably should be.

00:23:40.000 I mean, he was a trip.

00:23:41.000 So how did he end up dying?

00:23:43.000 Cancer.

00:23:44.000 Bad.

00:23:45.000 Colon cancer.

00:23:46.000 It was real bad.

00:23:48.000 And a buddy of mine's wife.

00:23:49.000 That's where Hollywood would switch up the script.

00:23:52.000 That's just too common.

00:23:53.000 Go off a bridge like Thelma and Louise.

00:23:54.000 Yeah.

00:23:57.000 He, um...

00:23:58.000 That's what happened to me the other night when I was on stage and I was joking about men going to the moon and somebody yelled out, go see Hidden Figures!

00:24:05.000 And I was like, yeah, because that's a history book.

00:24:07.000 Like, I just love how people...

00:24:09.000 I'm not saying those, obviously those women existed, but like, now they're going to do the overcorrection where it was like, these three women! 0.97

00:24:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:17.000 It's just like, every time...

00:24:18.000 You see a picture of, like, NASA. You'll see, like, a thousand, like, a hundred worker bees.

00:24:23.000 Nobody knows their fucking names. 0.99

00:24:25.000 It's like, we got there because of all of those people. 0.99

00:24:27.000 But it's just like, it's like when a team wins a championship.

00:24:31.000 Like, if they win, if the Patriots win...

00:24:33.000 It's going to be all about Tom Brady. 0.99

00:24:35.000 No one's going to know the fucking offensive line's name. 0.99

00:24:38.000 And if the Falcons win, it's going to be about, I don't know, Julio Jones or Matt Ryan. 0.99

00:24:44.000 You know these guys.

00:24:45.000 You would know this.

00:24:46.000 Tom Brady's got some wacky diet. 1.00

00:24:48.000 There was some article about Tom Brady's diet being bullshit. 0.98

00:24:51.000 Do you know about Tom Brady's diet? 1.00

00:24:53.000 He's got some crazy diet.

00:24:54.000 Yeah.

00:24:54.000 No, I don't get into people's personal lives.

00:24:56.000 No, he talks about it.

00:24:58.000 I watch the game.

00:24:58.000 You don't pay attention?

00:25:00.000 Tom Brady talks about his beans and fucking rice. 1.00

00:25:04.000 You don't give a fuck? 1.00

00:25:05.000 No, I just want to watch the game. 1.00

00:25:06.000 I don't watch pre-game.

00:25:08.000 I don't watch post-game.

00:25:09.000 I don't need you to break it down for me.

00:25:13.000 I watched it.

00:25:14.000 You know, I like, there's certain people that if they were to break it down, it's the same thing with like what you do.

00:25:20.000 There's certain things, like the reason why I like your commentating was I learned about like the leg kicks and all, like you always hammer that home, how much that just chops the other guy down.

00:25:30.000 Aside from the fact is, you know, I've been kicked in the shin, everybody has, and I've gotten a charley horse and I just don't understand like Like that one that Conor McGregor had against, what's his face there, Ortiz?

00:25:44.000 Not Ortiz.

00:25:45.000 I'm the worst with the names.

00:25:46.000 The second time.

00:25:48.000 Diaz? 0.89

00:25:48.000 Nate Diaz? 0.89

00:25:49.000 Diaz.

00:25:50.000 When, just watching him repeatedly kick him in the leg, and then in the end, McGregor leaves on crutches.

00:25:58.000 Yeah, broke his foot.

00:26:00.000 Yeah, like how much is your adrenaline going?

00:26:02.000 Going like crazy.

00:26:03.000 You don't feel a thing. 0.81

00:26:04.000 Yeah, that you can just keep kicking somebody in their leg, hitting their bone with the top bone of your, whatever, your metatarsals, whatever the hell it is.

00:26:13.000 And, um... 0.78

00:26:15.000 And just keep doing it.

00:26:16.000 I can just picture myself kicking the guy once going, ah!

00:26:19.000 Just grabbing it and hopping up and down like the guy on Family Guy.

00:26:22.000 Yeah, most of the time you don't feel it while it's happening.

00:26:24.000 I broke my shin.

00:26:26.000 I broke my foot.

00:26:27.000 I broke both feet. 0.96

00:26:29.000 Kick elbows.

00:26:30.000 Elbows are a way that a lot of times guys break it.

00:26:33.000 Because guys will cover up and your foot, like your instep, will slam into the elbow.

00:26:36.000 Your instep always loses.

00:26:39.000 Always.

00:26:39.000 Shins can win sometimes.

00:26:40.000 Now when the adrenaline wears off and you realize you've broken your instep, kicking someone as hard as you can in their elbow, what is that pain like?

00:26:48.000 Just agony.

00:26:49.000 Just throbbing.

00:26:50.000 Your foot swells up to like the size of your thigh.

00:26:53.000 It just becomes this big balloon of black and blue. 0.99

00:26:57.000 It's disgusting. 0.99

00:26:59.000 You know, it's funny after watch my wife, you know going through labor and everything I said the only men they could actually relate would be people who do that for a fucking living like people fight they couldn't even relate It's worse than that. 1.00

00:27:09.000 Yeah, it's genitals. 1.00

00:27:10.000 It's genitals. 1.00

00:27:11.000 It's coming out of your vagina It's crazy. 1.00

00:27:14.000 No, I got a whole new level of respect for my wife. 1.00

00:27:18.000 I was just like oh She told me the funniest fucking thing when she went into like pre-labor You know, and I was just going, I was, you know, telling her to breathe and I was running to get the stuff, you know, I was pretty prepared. 0.95

00:27:31.000 And there was some code or something like that. 0.97

00:27:32.000 I was like, you know, Nia, where did you leave the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:27:35.000 She goes, when you said that to me, she goes, I was almost ready to black out with the pain. 0.99

00:27:40.000 And she goes, I had this thought, if he asked me one more time where that code is, I'm going to push this baby out and fucking throw it out of me. 0.99

00:27:53.000 Dude, my wife is hilarious. 1.00

00:27:56.000 She's funny on your podcast, too.

00:27:58.000 She's very funny.

00:27:58.000 She's funnier than a lot of comedians I know.

00:28:00.000 She's fucking hilarious. 1.00

00:28:02.000 But she has this... 0.99

00:28:04.000 What I love about her, she's got this spirit, man.

00:28:05.000 She's just really...

00:28:06.000 When I met her, man, I never met anybody...

00:28:08.000 There's very few people I've met in my life that have an energy where you're just like, wow.

00:28:13.000 I want to be around that.

00:28:15.000 She just had this amazing... 1.00

00:28:16.000 She just throws herself into shit. 1.00

00:28:20.000 I was more guarded and all of that. 1.00

00:28:24.000 It was the perfect balance.

00:28:26.000 Every time I think I've seen the end of Of that energy, like, she does something else.

00:28:32.000 So, yeah, it was pretty amazing.

00:28:35.000 Well, that's a great relationship, then.

00:28:36.000 You're both growing, you know?

00:28:38.000 She's growing and you're growing.

00:28:39.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:28:39.000 No, dude, she's hit me with some fucking classic lines. 0.99

00:28:41.000 I remember one time, you know, I was calling her out on some shit she was doing, and I just took it, like, a little too far. 0.99

00:28:47.000 I should have stopped, like, probably five minutes earlier, and I was still going. 0.96

00:28:50.000 I go, and you fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you do this and that, and I was in the car, and right as I stopped, she goes, yeah, well, you're no pony ride either, my friend. 0.94

00:29:00.000 And we both just bursted out laughing, and that was just like the end of the fight. 0.99

00:29:05.000 So she has that ability, where in the past, you know, I would date people, either they were like too nice, so they couldn't handle how fucked up I was, or the worst, they were just as fucked up as I was, and it was totally toxic. 0.88

00:29:20.000 So she's just sort of like grounded. 0.70

00:29:23.000 Yeah, that's...

00:29:24.000 That's so important when you're dating somebody or married somebody or whatever.

00:29:28.000 They have to compliment you, and you have to compliment them in some sort of a way.

00:29:31.000 You can't be exactly the same, and who you are is different when you're with different people.

00:29:37.000 If you're with a person like that who can crack a joke in the middle of the heat of everything, you become a different person.

00:29:43.000 They become a different person.

00:29:45.000 But if she's with somebody who doesn't appreciate that...

00:29:48.000 It's just like you become...

00:29:49.000 You're not just an individual.

00:29:52.000 You're an individual who relates to other people, and you become someone different when you relate to those people.

00:29:58.000 Yeah.

00:29:59.000 It took me forever to realize that.

00:30:02.000 Yeah, there's people that are bad for you.

00:30:03.000 The way I processed it was, how come I can't break up with this person?

00:30:08.000 That's how I figured out I was in love.

00:30:10.000 Well, that's a good one, too, though.

00:30:11.000 Yeah.

00:30:12.000 No, every time I pictured breaking up with her, I kept picturing her walking away, and then me going like, no, no, no, no, no.

00:30:19.000 Then after denying that that was love for a good fucking eight years, I was just like, yeah, I guess I have found the one.

00:30:25.000 That's an abused word, love. 0.98

00:30:27.000 There's way too many people throwing that word around, like a beach ball at a concert.

00:30:30.000 It's just too abused. 1.00

00:30:31.000 Dude, all of that shit, and then all of the stuff that people say that when you first see your kid, they fill your head up on what the fuck you're supposed to feel. 1.00

00:30:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:39.000 I was talking about this on Kimmel.

00:30:42.000 When I saw my kid for the first time, I was afraid.

00:30:45.000 I didn't have that, oh my god, and start crying.

00:30:48.000 I was just like, hey, and I sort of just put my finger down and let it hold.

00:30:53.000 And when they left me alone with it for the first time, the magnitude of it was definitely huge, but I didn't feel that whole...

00:31:02.000 The second I saw my kid, I knew my life had changed.

00:31:06.000 I didn't feel that for like 12 hours.

00:31:08.000 It wasn't until the next...

00:31:09.000 Because my head was so filled up on what I was supposed to...

00:31:12.000 I was having an out-of-body experience.

00:31:14.000 It wasn't until the next morning my wife was playing Stevie Wonder. 1.00

00:31:18.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:19.000 Some chill music and stuff.

00:31:20.000 And I was just sitting with her.

00:31:22.000 And you know, baby sneezes or something like that. 0.99

00:31:24.000 And it just fucking hits you. 0.97

00:31:26.000 But even then, I never had that blubbering moment. 0.98

00:31:30.000 To me, it was kind of scary, too.

00:31:32.000 And kind of psychedelic.

00:31:35.000 Because when my daughter was born, my eight-year-old was born, there was a moment when I was thinking, how many babies are being born simultaneously right now all over the world?

00:31:46.000 And if you could look at it on a screen, it would be a swarm of humanity. 0.98

00:31:50.000 Just heads popping out of pussies. 0.99

00:31:52.000 Just... 1.00

00:31:54.000 Just if you could see every baby coming out right now, and then I thought, at the same time, I thought about this baby becoming an old lady and dying.

00:32:03.000 And I thought, like, how many old people are dying simultaneously at the same time right now?

00:32:07.000 See, I think it's important to say that, because the hacky thing is you're supposed to say, the second I saw my kid, I bursted out crying, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:32:17.000 So then it becomes like, if you don't do that...

00:32:20.000 You're not going to be a good dad.

00:32:21.000 You don't care and all of that type of stuff.

00:32:23.000 But I just think that that kind of became like the hacky default thing.

00:32:28.000 And then I also...

00:32:29.000 This is all just theories, of course, and I'm not going to research any of this. 0.97

00:32:32.000 But I think parents try to outdo each other with their stories about what the fuck they felt. 0.85

00:32:37.000 And it's just become... 0.99

00:32:38.000 They're really like...

00:32:39.000 They're not sane people, most parents.

00:32:42.000 No.

00:32:42.000 And I've learned to kind of already be like...

00:32:46.000 They'll just sit down next to you, like you're Forrest Gump, and they'll just sit down and just start talking to you.

00:32:51.000 So you just add your kid, alright, well this is what you gotta watch out for, you know, and I remember my kid and blah, blah, blah, blah. 1.00

00:32:55.000 Dude, it's like airplane, you know what I mean, where the fucking person, he talks to him and you wanna kill yourself. 0.99

00:33:00.000 Just wait until you start going to school, and you gotta hang out with these parents all the time, because your kids become friends with their kids, and then you become friends with these people that you would never be fucking friends with. 0.99

00:33:11.000 This is what I do. 0.96

00:33:12.000 I just look straight ahead and I don't look at them and I don't respond to what they're saying.

00:33:15.000 And then they just sort of talk quieter and they gradually leave.

00:33:19.000 You're going to have to go to dinner with them.

00:33:20.000 Your wife's going to be friends with some lady. 1.00

00:33:22.000 You're going to, let's go on a double date.

00:33:23.000 Okay, fine.

00:33:24.000 You're going to go.

00:33:25.000 This is one guy I know.

00:33:26.000 He talks and he doesn't look at you. 1.00

00:33:28.000 He tells me these fucking stupid stories about his kid and the basketball team and he looks at you for a second. 1.00

00:33:34.000 So Adam's in this basketball team and then he starts looking down. 1.00

00:33:37.000 He's like, the coach won't put him in the game.

00:33:39.000 And I'm saying, he's a good player.

00:33:40.000 He's a good player. 0.99

00:33:41.000 And he's fucking rambling, rambling with no regard whatsoever for your attention span, the entertainment value of what he's saying. 0.99

00:33:50.000 He's just... 0.99

00:33:51.000 The underlying insecurity of not being able to look at you?

00:33:54.000 Or he's so self-involved?

00:33:55.000 He's self-involved and he's doing some weird thing with his hands where he's like talking with his hands and I'm going, Jesus Christ, it's literally like someone's crushing me.

00:34:03.000 What do you fantasize about doing to him?

00:34:04.000 Oh, just running.

00:34:05.000 Just running away.

00:34:06.000 I don't want to hurt him.

00:34:07.000 The guy's hurt by life.

00:34:08.000 He's so damaged by life.

00:34:09.000 I don't want to do anything to him. 1.00

00:34:10.000 I just want to get the fuck away. 0.99

00:34:11.000 I always picture those people and I have a giant roll of duct tape. 0.98

00:34:16.000 I just put it on there.

00:34:18.000 It's like a cartoon level speed.

00:34:20.000 No, it's cartoon level.

00:34:21.000 I just put it on their mouth and I go...

00:34:24.000 And the last one, it comes up and over their head, and then it hangs down.

00:34:28.000 The whole rest of the tape is hanging down over their head.

00:34:32.000 Awkwardly.

00:34:33.000 And then I just go back to eating or whatever, and they just sit there and slowly have to take it off. 1.00

00:34:41.000 There's some brutal fucking people. 0.99

00:34:44.000 There's a bunch of weird people that you get closer to them and closer to them, and you find out about their life. 0.99

00:34:51.000 Yeah, but you know what?

00:34:52.000 All those people I want to do that to, I'm sure they're talking about me.

00:34:54.000 Oh, for sure.

00:34:55.000 Yeah.

00:34:56.000 Yeah, I'm sure they talk about me, too.

00:34:58.000 That's just how it goes.

00:34:59.000 It just seemed like he was in a bad mood.

00:35:00.000 Yeah, all the time.

00:35:01.000 Yeah.

00:35:03.000 Yeah, this friend of Ron White's, who's a friend of mine, who the first time he met me was like, oh, I don't know.

00:35:08.000 And Ron's like, I'm telling you, he's a good guy.

00:35:10.000 He's a dad, too, and we're all buddies together now, but he's like, I don't know.

00:35:14.000 I'm guarded. 1.00

00:35:15.000 I've been beaten down by some of these fucking basketball stories that these assholes will tell you. 1.00

00:35:20.000 And my kid, he's a good player. 1.00

00:35:22.000 He's a good player.

00:35:22.000 They just won't put him in the game.

00:35:27.000 Just you think of things that you would torture somebody talking about, and you're like, I would never do this to you.

00:35:31.000 Why are you doing this to me?

00:35:33.000 You're not even thinking about it.

00:35:34.000 It's like verbal waterboarding.

00:35:37.000 You're like in your own little Guantanamo.

00:35:39.000 That's a great way to describe it.

00:35:41.000 Just being like, when is the dessert tray coming so I could say I don't need dessert?

00:35:45.000 That's part of the problem with hanging around with comedians, too, is when they say something, for a good percentage of it, it's funny.

00:35:52.000 It doesn't have to be funny all the time, but a good percentage.

00:35:54.000 When you're talking to people that aren't funny at all and it never comes, you're like, surely there's something funny coming.

00:36:00.000 Eventually?

00:36:01.000 Nothing?

00:36:01.000 Never?

00:36:02.000 Never.

00:36:02.000 Something compelling.

00:36:03.000 Nothing. 0.98

00:36:04.000 Not a goddamn thing. 0.99

00:36:08.000 And that's when I start thinking like those duct tape fantasies and then I start making myself laugh and I have to pretend like I'm drinking and then they get all weirded out because they see some weird look on my face and it's the whole thing, the whole thing just fucking, it just goes south. 0.99

00:36:23.000 Yeah, I usually breathe.

00:36:24.000 I take these breathing exercises.

00:36:26.000 I do the Wim Hof method where I take all my breath in and I let like 15-20% out.

00:36:35.000 There's no way you do that across from a person.

00:36:36.000 Well, I guess if he's not looking at you, he doesn't see it.

00:36:39.000 Yeah, I do.

00:36:39.000 I do it like this.

00:36:40.000 Watch.

00:36:40.000 Ready?

00:36:41.000 You look like you just got shot and you're waiting for the ambulance when you're doing it.

00:36:45.000 Like you're just trying to hold up.

00:36:47.000 Keep it together.

00:36:48.000 Stay conscious.

00:36:50.000 Stay conscious.

00:36:50.000 Keep it together.

00:36:51.000 Try to stay present.

00:36:53.000 Try to meditate in the face of overwhelming, retarded conversation. 1.00

00:36:57.000 Just try to detach myself from whatever they're saying, find a happy place, find a peaceful spot.

00:37:03.000 You ever get rolfing?

00:37:04.000 You know what rolfing is?

00:37:06.000 It's a form of like deep, deep tissue massage, right? 1.00

00:37:09.000 Brutally painful shit. 1.00

00:37:10.000 Brutally painful. 1.00

00:37:11.000 I get rolfed and this guy that does it, he's fucking rough. 0.99

00:37:16.000 And he knows how to do it. 0.99

00:37:17.000 Hey, I tell you, this guy's rough.

00:37:19.000 He has a metal bar.

00:37:22.000 I mean, it really seems like a torture device.

00:37:24.000 It looks like a chisel, like a fat, wide chisel, and it has a thin layer of rubber over it.

00:37:29.000 And he takes this metal bar, and it has a handle, like a sword.

00:37:32.000 Are you wearing a GIT mask at this point?

00:37:34.000 No. 1.00

00:37:34.000 I'm naked, unfortunately, and he's digging this fucking thing into my back. 1.00

00:37:41.000 I mean digging it in like all of his weight and he's like popping over the scar tissue and I have to go deep into my mind when he's doing it. 0.99

00:37:51.000 I just go deeper and deep.

00:37:53.000 My eyes are closed.

00:37:54.000 My face is in that thing.

00:37:55.000 You know when you're getting massaged?

00:37:57.000 If you could see my face, it'd be like pushed and smushed into that little massage chair thing or massage table thing.

00:38:04.000 Look like you're doing that Red Bull jump from the outer space. 1.00

00:38:07.000 My buddy is a world champion at that shit. 1.00

00:38:10.000 He's traveled more in that flying squirrel suit. 1.00

00:38:12.000 He's traveled to further distances than anybody. 0.99

00:38:15.000 Dude, that Red Bull jump, that fucking guy, I think he was just falling like a stone. 0.99

00:38:20.000 From space. 1.00

00:38:22.000 How about the guy that fell into a net?

00:38:24.000 Did you see that one?

00:38:25.000 I just did the comic thing, and I totally derailed you.

00:38:28.000 No, it's okay.

00:38:28.000 I find my happy space while this guy's doing this, and I have to do that.

00:38:33.000 I literally, I think I go just deeper and deeper in my mind to ignore the pain, because the pain is so intense.

00:38:40.000 The only way I could get through that basketball guy is if I already told my wife that he did it, and it annoyed me, and then what I would do is I would just be egging him on, going like, so why doesn't he play him?

00:38:54.000 And just keep going.

00:38:56.000 And then she would start kicking me under the table because she would start laughing. 1.00

00:38:59.000 And then I would have to turn what he was doing into his show.

00:39:04.000 That's the only way to do it.

00:39:05.000 Or else I'm just going to...

00:39:07.000 I would probably, if I actually dealt with the emotion of those kinds of moments, I would probably start crying. 0.93

00:39:12.000 I would probably just break down and be like, I don't want to fucking do this.

00:39:15.000 Well, I just feel like I have to talk to the guy. 0.97

00:39:18.000 I wish I could get him high on ecstasy and talk to him.

00:39:22.000 Just get him to completely remove all of his insecurities and fears.

00:39:26.000 And I'd be like, man, when you talk to people, you've got to be thinking that they're listening to you.

00:39:30.000 Great suggestion for if you have to keep going out with a couple like that.

00:39:33.000 You've got to get the corner booth.

00:39:34.000 So then you're not directly across from each other.

00:39:37.000 You don't have to look at him.

00:39:39.000 You can just sit there in your meditation nodding.

00:39:42.000 And he's not going to be looking at you and seeing his peripheral as if you're actively listening.

00:39:45.000 And you could be looking, you know...

00:39:47.000 Doesn't matter with this guy.

00:39:48.000 The aquarium.

00:39:48.000 He'll get you.

00:39:49.000 I think he's a little on the spectrum.

00:39:52.000 There's something going on there. 1.00

00:39:53.000 If it bleeds, we can kill it. 1.00

00:39:55.000 There's a detachment. 0.99

00:39:56.000 There's a detachment to the way he communicates where it just seems like socially he's not present.

00:40:02.000 It's very odd.

00:40:03.000 Very odd method of communication.

00:40:07.000 Yeah, I knew somebody like that.

00:40:09.000 You can't talk to the guy, and I'd want to tell him, like, you know, you have this thing, but it's got to be fun for the other person to hear.

00:40:17.000 Like, there's got to be something there.

00:40:18.000 And, you know, we've all done something like that.

00:40:20.000 We've all said something that someone didn't want to listen to.

00:40:23.000 Not me.

00:40:23.000 For sure.

00:40:24.000 Not me.

00:40:24.000 Never?

00:40:24.000 Oh, no.

00:40:25.000 I walk in wearing a scarf, kind of like a hero.

00:40:29.000 A scarf and those Snoopy aviator goggles.

00:40:32.000 That's right.

00:40:34.000 Everybody wants to hear my bullshit. 1.00

00:40:36.000 So there was that guy that jumped, right? 1.00

00:40:38.000 He jumped somewhere and he fell into a net.

00:40:40.000 He didn't even have a parachute.

00:40:42.000 They had like a gigantic net somewhere, right?

00:40:45.000 Wasn't that what it was?

00:40:46.000 How far did he fall?

00:40:47.000 25,000 feet.

00:40:49.000 Jesus Christ.

00:40:50.000 Look at this guy.

00:40:51.000 So he's skydiving 25,000 feet and he doesn't have a parachute.

00:40:57.000 He's doing tricks. 0.98

00:41:00.000 What the fuck kind of impact must that have been like? 0.99

00:41:03.000 Oh, Jesus, look at him. 0.99

00:41:04.000 And at the very last minute, he has to turn around.

00:41:06.000 So he's steering himself, and at the very last minute, Jesus, what kind of fear?

00:41:11.000 At the very last minute, he has to turn.

00:41:12.000 Look at that. 1.00

00:41:14.000 Holy shit, that's insane. 1.00

00:41:18.000 I mean, how fast is he going at that point? 0.99

00:41:21.000 So now he's not moving. 0.99

00:41:22.000 Now he's crying, because he can't believe he got away with it, and he doesn't know why the fuck he did it. 0.99

00:41:28.000 I know why he did it. 0.99

00:41:29.000 You know what I want to hear?

00:41:30.000 I want to hear his opening line to a woman in a bar.

00:41:32.000 I bet it's the worst thing, like, literally to compensate, rather than just, you know, getting a book.

00:41:37.000 Hey, baby, what's your sign? 1.00

00:41:38.000 He's got to do this shit, and then talk about it loudly in the vicinity of women. 1.00

00:41:42.000 Luke Akins is his name. 1.00

00:41:44.000 Jesus Christ.

00:41:45.000 My buddy Andy Stump, he holds the world record for, uh, The longest in one of those flying body suits, the longest distance. 0.99

00:41:54.000 What did he travel, like 30 miles or something fucking nuts? 0.90

00:41:56.000 What did he jump off of? 0.98

00:41:58.000 He jumps off everything.

00:41:59.000 Planes, whatever.

00:42:00.000 He'll jump off a rocket if you let him. 0.99

00:42:01.000 He's crazy. 0.99

00:42:02.000 He's a Navy SEAL. He's out of his fucking mind. 1.00

00:42:05.000 Out of his mind. 1.00

00:42:06.000 Those squirrel suits look fun as shit, though. 1.00

00:42:08.000 Oh, yeah. 0.97

00:42:09.000 I would never do it, but that looks fun as hell.

00:42:10.000 They get real close to the ground, and then they hit the ground occasionally, and then they...

00:42:14.000 Well, he's just telling me the other day.

00:42:15.000 Brian Gumbel, Real Sports. 1.00

00:42:17.000 He's like his fucking toes. 1.00

00:42:19.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00

00:42:20.000 He clipped something with his toes.

00:42:22.000 He came back to Brian Gumbel.

00:42:23.000 Brian Gumbel's like, this guy has a bit of a death wish.

00:42:27.000 And the other reporter's like, yeah, yeah, he does.

00:42:28.000 He does.

00:42:29.000 He was just laying on the ground, like moaning in this agony.

00:42:33.000 The worst agony I've ever heard, though, was that.

00:42:35.000 Don't, please don't.

00:42:36.000 I'm not going to tell you what it is because you're going to play it.

00:42:37.000 It like haunted me.

00:42:39.000 I'll tell you, this guy on one of these YouTube videos, the guy who was climbing up the tree to chop it down or something, and he just fell, and he went straight down and shattered both of his legs, and dude...

00:42:49.000 Don't pull that up.

00:42:51.000 I'm not watching that.

00:42:52.000 I've always looked away, the sound...

00:42:54.000 He was just in the woods, because he had filmed himself doing it, he was just in the woods, and he was just like... 0.99

00:42:59.000 Like fucking over! 0.98

00:43:04.000 And over again, just, like, his soul. 1.00

00:43:07.000 I mean, like, if he had a fucking loaded 9mm within reach, he would have blew his brains out. 0.99

00:43:12.000 Like, that was the level of pain. 0.99

00:43:13.000 Jesus Christ.

00:43:14.000 Yeah, that happens a lot of guys when they make tree stands.

00:43:17.000 They set up tree stands and some guys are tough guys.

00:43:20.000 They don't want to wear a harness.

00:43:21.000 Like they have these harnesses that most people wear.

00:43:23.000 They strap around your waist, they strap around your legs, and then it hooks to the tree.

00:43:28.000 So you can't fall off the tree.

00:43:29.000 But there's a lot of guys that want to be tough guys.

00:43:31.000 So they climb up these tree stands and they don't have a harness on and they fall off the tree stand. 0.99

00:43:36.000 And you know, you're falling 30 feet, whatever it is, and you're just fucked up. 0.94

00:43:40.000 And then you gotta cry your way out of the woods. 0.99

00:43:42.000 Or not.

00:43:43.000 Or someone finds you days later and you're starved to death.

00:43:47.000 Has anybody fallen out of the tree stand and then getting eaten by what they were just gonna get?

00:43:52.000 I'm sure.

00:43:53.000 I'm sure that's happened for bears, because people go bear hunting, and they go bear hunting in tree stands.

00:43:58.000 I guarantee you someone's been eaten that way.

00:44:01.000 100%.

00:44:01.000 1000%.

00:44:03.000 No chance it hasn't happened.

00:44:05.000 I would never have enough confidence in my ability to secure a tree stand correctly Past a certain height knowing that a bear was going to be coming to.

00:44:14.000 That's just those two factors of falling that length and then also, yeah, and maybe right in front of a bear.

00:44:22.000 What's more fucked up is how fast the bear can get up a tree. 0.82

00:44:25.000 Oh, I've seen that one. 1.00

00:44:27.000 They run up a fucking tree like they're running on the ground. 1.00

00:44:29.000 It's insane. 1.00

00:44:31.000 Like, only up to a certain size.

00:44:33.000 That's what's weird.

00:44:34.000 Like, when they get to be like 400 pounds plus, they really can't make it up trees anymore.

00:44:38.000 They're too heavy.

00:44:39.000 Their nails can't, like, support their body weight.

00:44:41.000 They're too big. 0.73

00:44:41.000 They're on the biggest loser for grizzlies. 0.73

00:44:46.000 They're making a wade in the water to get this salmon.

00:44:49.000 I don't want to do it! 1.00

00:44:50.000 It's really more black bears than grizzlies or run up trees, but they run up those fucking trees. 0.99

00:44:57.000 They just... 0.99

00:44:58.000 And they're up.

00:44:59.000 Like, you can't...

00:45:00.000 Yeah, there's a YouTube video of a guy like he's... 0.96

00:45:03.000 He's like, you know, in one of those stands and the fucking thing looks up and just runs up the tree next to him and now it's above him. 0.93

00:45:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:45:09.000 In seconds. 0.99

00:45:10.000 In seconds.

00:45:11.000 That's like when you're getting fighting in a football stadium, you want to be in the row behind the guy so you're punching down.

00:45:16.000 Oh, for sure. 0.96

00:45:17.000 The bear went from being on the field to like two rows behind this guy and the guy's sitting there with his fucking, I don't know what he had, bow and arrow or something. 0.98

00:45:24.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:45:25.000 Yeah, it's a bow and arrow.

00:45:27.000 But if a bear doesn't know what a bow and arrow is, you can kind of just slowly turn and look right at him, shoot him right in the nose, couldn't you? 0.56

00:45:34.000 You might be able to, but it's not going to kill them instantly.

00:45:37.000 The problem with that is they're going to get a hold of you.

00:45:40.000 Like if a bear was right there in front of you and you shot it with a bow and arrow, there's two things that can happen.

00:45:44.000 One, it can run away.

00:45:45.000 Or two, it can attack you.

00:45:47.000 And if it decides to attack you, by the time it expires, it's going to take like 30 seconds for it to die. 0.99

00:45:53.000 And by the time it expires, it's going to fucking maul you. 0.95

00:45:57.000 Yeah, no, but Leonardo, he got attacked for like a minute and a half. 0.98

00:46:00.000 Yeah.

00:46:01.000 Dude, have you seen Hidden Figures?

00:46:06.000 I found out that Leonardo story was, you know, it's supposedly based on a true story. 1.00

00:46:09.000 We had Steve Rinella in here, who's a historian on that ancient Wild West shit, and he told me it was all bullshit. 0.99

00:46:15.000 He's like, first of all, the guy did get mauled by a bear, yes. 0.99

00:46:18.000 But he got away, and he crawled back to camp, and that's it.

00:46:22.000 Like, he didn't have a son.

00:46:23.000 His son never got killed.

00:46:24.000 Like, there was no son. 1.00

00:46:25.000 Like, they made all that shit up. 0.99

00:46:26.000 He never fell off the cliff. 1.00

00:46:28.000 But if you actually made movies, how shit really happens, it'd be like, you'd have to watch that guy in the fucking restaurant with you, not looking at people. 0.99

00:46:36.000 Like, that's how they would be. 0.98

00:46:38.000 That's why people go to movies, because you've got to have like a...

00:46:41.000 When my wife was watching that women's march, after a while I couldn't watch it anymore, because it wasn't going anywhere.

00:46:46.000 It was 100,000 people standing outside agreeing with each other.

00:46:49.000 They were all on the same page.

00:46:50.000 There was nothing like...

00:46:52.000 It didn't go anywhere.

00:46:53.000 Right.

00:46:54.000 No arrests all over the country.

00:46:56.000 Millions of people marched.

00:46:57.000 No arrests.

00:46:58.000 That's pretty amazing.

00:46:59.000 That's because they're women. 1.00

00:46:59.000 You can't hit them. 1.00

00:47:02.000 That's what it was.

00:47:03.000 If those were guys, eventually the cops would be sick of them and they'd send a plainclothes guy to go down and light a car on fire.

00:47:10.000 Well, cops were there taking pictures with them. 0.99

00:47:12.000 Cops were wearing those pussy hats. 1.00

00:47:14.000 There's photos of cops with pink hats with ears like kitty cat hats.

00:47:21.000 You ever seen those?

00:47:22.000 No.

00:47:22.000 Isn't it amazing?

00:47:23.000 Like, one comment the guy makes on a bus with Billy Bush, grabbing him by the pussy, and that literally spawns a march. 0.99

00:47:31.000 I'll tell you what's even more amazing, is that those hats are all gonna be thrown out and end up at the bottom of the ocean. 1.00

00:47:37.000 And a fucking octopus is gonna suffocate on one of them. 1.00

00:47:40.000 Look at these cops with the pussy hats on. 1.00

00:47:42.000 Yeah, stupid. 1.00

00:47:44.000 Those are our protectors. 1.00

00:47:45.000 They're serving and protecting right there with pussy hats on. 1.00

00:47:49.000 I'm anti-ribbon, bans, all of that shit. 1.00

00:47:53.000 I just fucking, like, can't you just say what the agenda is? 1.00

00:47:56.000 Do we all have to dress in the same fucking silly hat? 0.99

00:47:58.000 This is a sign of solidarity. 1.00

00:48:00.000 People love that, though.

00:48:02.000 I know.

00:48:02.000 That's just the cunty comedian in me.

00:48:04.000 No, I'm with you.

00:48:05.000 I don't like it either.

00:48:06.000 I think it's groupthink.

00:48:08.000 How dare those people do what they like to do, Joe?

00:48:10.000 I don't think they like to do it.

00:48:11.000 They just like to...

00:48:13.000 Just get together.

00:48:14.000 Just a big refusal of admitting that this guy won some crazy popularity contest that we put on every couple of years. 0.99

00:48:22.000 They should just get together with each other and they should create shit that makes money. 1.00

00:48:25.000 That's what they should do. 1.00

00:48:26.000 Make money?

00:48:27.000 Make money and then they have to come to you.

00:48:30.000 It's like podcasts, right? 0.95

00:48:32.000 No one gave a fuck what we were doing. 0.94

00:48:33.000 Then all of a sudden we started making money. 0.96

00:48:34.000 Then all of a sudden, hey, you want to read for LegalZoom?

00:48:40.000 That's how you do it.

00:48:42.000 Well, they could definitely generate some money that way, right? 0.99

00:48:44.000 I mean, there's a lot of fucking people marching. 0.98

00:48:46.000 You think about, there was 970,000 people, that's what Whitney Cummings told me, in LA alone. 0.99

00:48:51.000 They thought 80,000 people were coming, it was almost a million.

00:48:55.000 It was a million.

00:48:56.000 Where were they?

00:48:56.000 Downtown.

00:48:57.000 Oh, thank God.

00:49:00.000 Thank God.

00:49:02.000 It was a swarm of humanity.

00:49:04.000 Oh, that's great. 1.00

00:49:05.000 That's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:49:06.000 Thank God. 0.99

00:49:06.000 Yeah, go downtown. 0.99

00:49:07.000 Thank God they didn't come to my fucking neighborhood. 0.99

00:49:09.000 When was the last time we saw a protest against the president like that, though? 1.00

00:49:14.000 Especially a new president.

00:49:15.000 It's never.

00:49:15.000 It's a new time.

00:49:17.000 Like, with the internet, now they can organize these things quickly and get together.

00:49:23.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't know what to believe.

00:49:26.000 Like that whole picture of Trump's inauguration versus Obama's inauguration, they put the photos side by side, and I'm just supposed to automatically, without any checks or balances, be like, okay, that's what those photos are of.

00:49:37.000 I'm supposed to believe that Bill Clinton was checking out Donald Trump's wife without seeing what he's looking at, and then Hillary vaguely looking back in his direction.

00:49:46.000 Vaguely?

00:49:47.000 She peered through his soul.

00:49:49.000 How could you tell she was turned around?

00:49:51.000 Oh, we'll show you.

00:49:52.000 Because we've watched it a thousand times on this podcast.

00:49:54.000 Yeah, but you don't know what he's looking at.

00:49:55.000 He says it.

00:49:56.000 He says, Ivanka.

00:49:58.000 He says it.

00:49:59.000 He literally says it.

00:50:00.000 He moves his mouth.

00:50:01.000 He goes, Ivanka.

00:50:02.000 Want to see it?

00:50:03.000 Come on, we want to watch it together.

00:50:04.000 Watch this.

00:50:05.000 Look, look, look, look, look.

00:50:06.000 Go full screen, Jamie.

00:50:07.000 Watch.

00:50:08.000 Ivanka.

00:50:08.000 Go back, go back, go back.

00:50:09.000 He says it.

00:50:10.000 It replays it a couple times here.

00:50:13.000 Right here.

00:50:15.000 Watch this.

00:50:15.000 Look at her looking at him.

00:50:17.000 She ain't vaguely looking back.

00:50:19.000 She's peering through his soul as he stares at her.

00:50:21.000 Look at that.

00:50:22.000 Look at the look he gives her! 1.00

00:50:23.000 Okay, look, he goes there.

00:50:24.000 She turns away immediately.

00:50:26.000 Watch, Ivanka.

00:50:26.000 You don't know what he's looking at.

00:50:28.000 Bullshit. 1.00

00:50:28.000 You don't know what's going on here. 1.00

00:50:29.000 He's looking right at Ivanka.

00:50:31.000 He says it.

00:50:31.000 Go back to it.

00:50:32.000 Go back to it.

00:50:32.000 I don't see Ivanka.

00:50:33.000 Go back to the beginning.

00:50:34.000 Watch, watch, watch.

00:50:34.000 The very beginning.

00:50:35.000 The very beginning, Jamie.

00:50:36.000 The very beginning.

00:50:37.000 You're sending him to the chair on this.

00:50:38.000 No, Jamie, you missed it.

00:50:39.000 Go all the way to the very beginning.

00:50:40.000 The very beginning of the video.

00:50:42.000 No, you already missed it.

00:50:43.000 What's that Air Force guy doing?

00:50:44.000 You already missed it because he says it.

00:50:45.000 The very beginning's got this copyright thing there.

00:50:47.000 Oh, okay.

00:50:47.000 Here we go.

00:50:49.000 Ivanka.

00:50:50.000 See that?

00:50:50.000 I don't see the cuh.

00:50:51.000 Oh, I see it.

00:50:52.000 I don't see it.

00:50:54.000 Ivanka.

00:50:54.000 Well, let's make up something for the Air Force guy.

00:50:57.000 Let's see what the fuck he's doing. 0.99

00:50:59.000 Ivanka. 1.00

00:50:59.000 That guy in the sunglasses right there? 1.00

00:51:01.000 He's busy. 0.99

00:51:01.000 He's jerking off. 0.99

00:51:02.000 He's jerking off. 1.00

00:51:03.000 That's why his head isn't moving. 0.99

00:51:05.000 No, no, no. 0.99

00:51:06.000 He's slowly masturbating. 1.00

00:51:06.000 Come on. 1.00

00:51:06.000 You're denying that look she's giving him? 1.00

00:51:08.000 Look at that fucking look she's giving him. 1.00

00:51:10.000 She's staring. 1.00

00:51:10.000 And look at the shot when he shoots over at her. 1.00

00:51:13.000 And she takes a big deep breath. 0.99

00:51:14.000 So she just bust him looking and he stared her down and she fucking looked away? 1.00

00:51:18.000 That's right. 1.00

00:51:19.000 He's the fucking man of the relationship. 1.00

00:51:20.000 Watch it again. 1.00

00:51:21.000 Watch it again.

00:51:21.000 Look.

00:51:21.000 Come on.

00:51:22.000 Come on.

00:51:23.000 And she has her mouth open and she turns away like, oh Jesus.

00:51:26.000 Hi everyone, I'm Ivanka Trump.

00:51:29.000 She looks like Tracy Lord's sister in the 80s.

00:51:31.000 He's got good looking kids.

00:51:33.000 He does.

00:51:34.000 Amazing.

00:51:34.000 She's good looking too.

00:51:35.000 She's amazing.

00:51:36.000 Hey, good for him.

00:51:37.000 Good for him.

00:51:38.000 Good for him.

00:51:40.000 And if Bill Clinton wants to vaguely look in the direction of a beautiful woman off camera that none of us want to know, and you want to convict him on...

00:51:48.000 He might have said IV. He might have been, like, fucking lightheaded. 0.99

00:51:51.000 I think he was growling. 0.99

00:51:53.000 I think he was growling.

00:51:54.000 Like, inside of...

00:51:58.000 With his mouth shut.

00:51:59.000 You could not convict anybody in a court like you are.

00:52:02.000 Who's convicting?

00:52:03.000 Nothing's illegal.

00:52:04.000 You are judging.

00:52:05.000 In a court of podcast humanity.

00:52:08.000 I am judging him, for sure.

00:52:09.000 You just sent him to the chair.

00:52:10.000 But the podcast court is a lot like civil court.

00:52:14.000 Criminal court, you need a lot more evidence.

00:52:16.000 That's why OJ got off in criminal court.

00:52:18.000 I never understood that. 1.00

00:52:20.000 When you need more evidence, less evidence, he has to give away all his shit. 0.99

00:52:24.000 I'm not saying that. 0.99

00:52:25.000 That doesn't make any sense.

00:52:26.000 No, it doesn't.

00:52:26.000 It doesn't.

00:52:27.000 Why do you need more evidence?

00:52:28.000 Either he did it or he didn't.

00:52:29.000 You shouldn't be like acquitted.

00:52:30.000 You didn't do it.

00:52:31.000 Oh, now you got to give me your trophies in your house.

00:52:34.000 Yeah, what is that? 1.00

00:52:35.000 And your fucking Thai tax. 1.00

00:52:36.000 How the fuck does that work? 1.00

00:52:37.000 How can they have a civil court where you have less evidence and that's where all your money goes? 0.98

00:52:42.000 Like your freedom is worth more apparently.

00:52:44.000 In that one, it works out because...

00:52:48.000 Or sort of worked out.

00:52:49.000 I think he moved to Florida to get around it. 0.98

00:52:51.000 I don't know what the fuck happened, but like, because I think he did it. 0.98

00:52:54.000 But what am I basing that on, you know? 0.99

00:52:56.000 Well, that's why he's still in jail. 0.98

00:52:57.000 I mean, he's in jail for a very innocuous crime, trying to get his own shit back with a guy in the room that had a gun. 0.99

00:53:04.000 The guy didn't even brandish the gun. 0.99

00:53:05.000 He tried to get his shit back, his stolen memorabilia. 1.00

00:53:09.000 I watched a thing on that, and they made, they fucked up They made some threat, then it made kidnapping, and they did all these little fucking things, and he killed two white people. 1.00

00:53:23.000 That's the big one. 0.99

00:53:24.000 The white courts got him years later.

00:53:26.000 Yeah, that's the big one.

00:53:27.000 That's what it really was. 1.00

00:53:28.000 I mean, it's complete bullshit. 1.00

00:53:29.000 Because the reality is, if he didn't kill those fucking two people, at least people didn't think that he killed those fucking two people, if he did that, I mean, he was OJ, and he was still on fucking NFL Today or whatever, he probably would have been in and out, and that would have been it. 1.00

00:53:44.000 He might not have even done any time. 1.00

00:53:46.000 They might have sided with him because these people were stealing his stuff. 0.99

00:53:49.000 He would have agreed to do a couple of signings at fucking Caesars. 0.98

00:53:53.000 He signed some footballs and some helmets, and it would have been over. 0.99

00:53:56.000 At Caesars.

00:53:56.000 It would have been over.

00:53:57.000 That would have been it.

00:53:58.000 He would have gone to the Venetian where they have the boat rides and O.J. Simpson.

00:54:02.000 Yeah, O.J. Yeah.

00:54:06.000 That's a weird one, though.

00:54:07.000 Everybody's happy about it.

00:54:08.000 He's not signing anything.

00:54:09.000 He's just taking pictures and doing boat rides.

00:54:10.000 Yeah, no signing, folks.

00:54:12.000 No signings.

00:54:12.000 He'll take pictures, though.

00:54:14.000 Can't use your camera.

00:54:16.000 It'll be up online.

00:54:17.000 Caesars.com.

00:54:18.000 Yeah, that'll be it.

00:54:19.000 Yep.

00:54:19.000 Yeah.

00:54:20.000 Don't touch him.

00:54:20.000 Just stand next to him.

00:54:22.000 That's a weird case, right?

00:54:23.000 Because that's a case where we know that that's not why he's in jail, but we're all happy.

00:54:29.000 Um...

00:54:30.000 Well, I mean, I don't... 1.00

00:54:31.000 I don't know how I feel about all that fucking shit. 1.00

00:54:34.000 I mean, I think your guy did it. 1.00

00:54:35.000 He did it.

00:54:36.000 He did it.

00:54:37.000 He wrote a book about it.

00:54:38.000 Remember that?

00:54:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:39.000 If I did it.

00:54:40.000 I want to tell you or something.

00:54:42.000 I think it was called If I Did It.

00:54:44.000 Was that what it was called?

00:54:45.000 If I did it, this is how I would do it.

00:54:46.000 Yeah.

00:54:48.000 Yeah.

00:54:49.000 Whatever happened to that book?

00:54:51.000 That book never got published, right?

00:54:52.000 Like, no publisher wanted a...

00:54:54.000 They originally had a publishing deal, but then...

00:54:57.000 But there's a difference about all...

00:54:58.000 This is why I... That rubs me the wrong way that he's in jail. 1.00

00:55:01.000 It's because of all those fucking white dudes that did all that shit, like, blowing up churches with black people in it, like, back in the 60s. 1.00

00:55:06.000 They would literally be sitting there laughing during the trial, and they would get totally acquitted. 1.00

00:55:10.000 And then black people weren't allowed to come along and take their fucking four-wheelers and their... 1.00

00:55:14.000 Hillbillies shit. 1.00

00:55:15.000 There's stills afterwards in like a Civil Corps. 1.00

00:55:17.000 They just completely got away with it. 0.98

00:55:19.000 That's why it still seems kind of fucked up. 0.96

00:55:21.000 It's for sale, but they changed the... 0.95

00:55:23.000 A judge awarded the Golden family the rights to the book so they get the publishing.

00:55:28.000 Oh, so you can buy it?

00:55:29.000 Yeah, so it says it's by Fred and Kim Goldman, but...

00:55:32.000 Oh my God.

00:55:33.000 They didn't write it.

00:55:34.000 Oh, and what they did...

00:55:35.000 Oh, they took away IF. No, they put the IF... I forget how I did it because I just saw a thing on...

00:55:41.000 The IF is written in red letters inside the I. Oh, wow.

00:55:46.000 So just...

00:55:46.000 There it is.

00:55:47.000 That right there.

00:55:48.000 It says IF. Oh, that's crazy.

00:55:51.000 And it's written blood red.

00:55:53.000 Wow.

00:55:54.000 Well, what cases are you talking about a guy's blowing up?

00:55:57.000 I mean, obviously, there was some horrendous civil rights violations that took place in the 60s and the 50s as well.

00:56:03.000 And well, you know, all from slavery on, from the 1860s forward.

00:56:07.000 I'm just saying, yeah.

00:56:08.000 And then the table gets turned and this guy does it, but he has the money to get off, but then he still pays for it in a way.

00:56:15.000 So that's why it still doesn't seem...

00:56:19.000 You know, it's good because, you know, he killed two people, so he's not out there, but it's, I don't know.

00:56:24.000 It's a different crime, though.

00:56:25.000 I mean, what he did was a crime of passion against an ex-wife who happened to be with some other guy.

00:56:31.000 Those other crimes are, in a lot of ways, more heinous, because they're completely race-related. 0.69

00:56:36.000 If you go back to some of the lynchings and some of those horrific crimes... 0.99

00:56:40.000 And those guys, you know, they fucking took pictures! 0.99

00:56:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:56:43.000 You ever see those photos?

00:56:43.000 Those are some of the most scary photos.

00:56:45.000 Ugliest photos.

00:56:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:56:46.000 Kids smiling and they have evil in their fucking eyes. 1.00

00:56:49.000 And people are hanging. 1.00

00:56:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:56:50.000 And they have like evil.

00:56:50.000 The kids have like evil.

00:56:52.000 I remember Patrice would show me those photos and would point at the kids going, look at that girl, Bill. 0.94

00:56:58.000 She's like probably 48 right now. 0.99

00:57:00.000 Where the fuck is she? 1.00

00:57:01.000 What does she do for a living? 1.00

00:57:03.000 Yeah.

00:57:03.000 And I was just like, wow, man.

00:57:05.000 It's true, right?

00:57:06.000 Yeah.

00:57:06.000 It's true.

00:57:07.000 They're out there.

00:57:07.000 Yep.

00:57:09.000 Yeah.

00:57:09.000 Well, when you think about how many people have actually gotten arrested for murder versus how many murders get just never solved, it's a crazy number.

00:57:18.000 Everybody looks at those fucking TV shows about cops and most crimes get solved, but the reality of murders, I think it's something like 70% go unsolved. 0.93

00:57:28.000 Something really nutty like that. 0.99

00:57:30.000 Yeah, I talked to a cop about that one time and I won't say it over the air. 0.99

00:57:33.000 It's fucking brutal. 0.97

00:57:34.000 You won't say it over the air because it's that bad? 0.99

00:57:36.000 Well, I just don't want to fucking... 0.99

00:57:37.000 You don't want to encourage people to murder? 0.99

00:57:39.000 Give people the green light?

00:57:41.000 Yeah, because we tried to come up with the perfect murder, right?

00:57:44.000 Me and this other guy, DeRosa, on this podcast.

00:57:47.000 And then we had this cop listen to our plants.

00:57:52.000 Mine was the funniest.

00:57:53.000 So me and a buddy, and he goes, it's over.

00:57:55.000 He goes, you're already caught.

00:57:58.000 Once you involve somebody else, he goes, somebody's gonna get scared, and they're gonna cut a deal. 0.88

00:58:05.000 It was fucking hilarious, dude.

00:58:06.000 I got, like, literally... 0.97

00:58:08.000 And I had worked this whole thing out, and me and DeRosa were trying to top each other to see which one was better, and I got like...

00:58:14.000 It's like when you watch American Ninja Warrior, and the person, like, stumbles on those first things and goes right into the water.

00:58:20.000 That's what happened.

00:58:21.000 So he told us basically how to get...

00:58:23.000 I guess, you know, the audio does exist, so...

00:58:25.000 He basically said, if you have no priors and nobody fucking knows, you know, you've never done anything, and if you...

00:58:34.000 If you were to do it, somebody you're just completely not even connected to. 0.85

00:58:38.000 Yeah, that's a buddy of mine who's a cop said the same thing.

00:58:40.000 Yeah, and nobody saw it, like there's nothing, like there's no way, there's no, because there's no rational connection to it, there's no trail to follow.

00:58:48.000 Have you heard of this stuff that they're developing that's essentially micro cameras with GPS units that are the size smaller than a grain of rice, like literally like sand?

00:58:59.000 And the idea is that eventually they're gonna spread this shit everywhere, and there will be cameras that record everything everywhere you go, and it's just a matter of time.

00:59:10.000 Like now, there's more cameras now today than they've ever been before, right? 0.96

00:59:13.000 Phones and surveillance cameras and security cameras.

00:59:17.000 That one right there.

00:59:18.000 There's more cameras now than ever been before, but it's nothing compared to what they have potentially lined up for the future.

00:59:23.000 That they're gonna have like grains of sand.

00:59:26.000 Cameras everywhere.

00:59:27.000 Oh, you just vacuum your house.

00:59:29.000 Just scoop them up?

00:59:30.000 I'm talking about out there in the street.

00:59:32.000 Everywhere.

00:59:32.000 Oh, in the street?

00:59:32.000 I don't give a shit.

00:59:33.000 I just want you to fucking show me jerking off. 1.00

00:59:36.000 You know? 1.00

00:59:36.000 Can I at least have that? 1.00

00:59:40.000 Will there ever be a time where there's no privacy?

00:59:43.000 That's the question.

00:59:44.000 Will there be a time where there's zero privacy?

00:59:46.000 Where it doesn't exist?

00:59:47.000 But this is the thing. 1.00

00:59:48.000 The reason why they're going to get away with it is because people are such fucking voyeurs. 0.99

00:59:51.000 Like, the more private it is, the less I want to see it. 0.98

00:59:55.000 Because I always think, like, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.

00:59:58.000 Right.

00:59:58.000 So anytime there's, like...

01:00:01.000 God, I can't even think of an example, but there's just been some shit. 0.94

01:00:04.000 Like those celebrity photos that got leaked where they got into their iCloud? 1.00

01:00:07.000 Yeah, if they're like naked photos, I never look at those fucking things. 1.00

01:00:10.000 Really? 0.99

01:00:10.000 If somebody, you know, intercepts like a cell phone call, I don't listen to those things. 0.99

01:00:15.000 I just think...

01:00:17.000 You're moral.

01:00:18.000 No, it feels gross.

01:00:19.000 Yeah, good for you.

01:00:20.000 You're a moral.

01:00:21.000 You're a moral person.

01:00:22.000 That's good.

01:00:22.000 Yeah, and I don't know.

01:00:24.000 I wouldn't say I'm a moral person, but just in that instant, maybe I am.

01:00:27.000 You're definitely moral.

01:00:30.000 I'd definitely say you're a moral person.

01:00:31.000 Don't put me on that pedestal.

01:00:32.000 You are. 0.94

01:00:32.000 I mean, you're not ridiculous. 0.94

01:00:35.000 I mean, you're just a guy. 1.00

01:00:37.000 I'm a cunt. 1.00

01:00:38.000 You have morals. 1.00

01:00:39.000 You gotta...

01:00:41.000 You got slightly annoyed at a gas station attendant and you're down on yourself for the rest of the day.

01:00:45.000 I have a lot of work.

01:00:46.000 I've got a lot of work.

01:00:47.000 A lot of work ahead of me. 0.98

01:00:48.000 You should get a punching bag. 0.93

01:00:50.000 I have a speed bag. 0.98

01:00:52.000 That's not good enough.

01:00:53.000 Yes, it is.

01:00:53.000 Nah, because speed bags is just, it's not real.

01:00:56.000 Yes, it is. 0.99

01:00:57.000 No, real is fucking... 0.99

01:00:59.000 It exists. 0.99

01:00:59.000 It exists and I hid it. 0.99

01:01:01.000 That's real.

01:01:01.000 It exists and I hit it and I enjoy it.

01:01:03.000 I bet you do.

01:01:04.000 And it's good.

01:01:05.000 I do enjoy it.

01:01:06.000 And then I go and I play some drums and I enjoy that.

01:01:09.000 I'm not degrading it, but I'm saying it's not good enough.

01:01:13.000 I thought you were very judgmental.

01:01:14.000 I am.

01:01:15.000 There's certain things I judge.

01:01:16.000 Something that I can hold in these beautiful hands of mine you told me wasn't real. 0.99

01:01:23.000 Speed bags are fucking weird. 0.93

01:01:24.000 It's a weird position to even hold your hand. 0.99

01:01:26.000 Have you seen Hidden Figures?

01:01:28.000 I haven't.

01:01:28.000 I heard it's good.

01:01:29.000 The women got us on the moon or something, right? 0.99

01:01:31.000 It'll break speed bags versus heavy bags down in a way that you've never heard.

01:01:35.000 Oh, beautiful.

01:01:36.000 That's beautiful. 1.00

01:01:40.000 No, a heavy bag won't sit there and fuck up my hands and all that shit. 1.00

01:01:43.000 It's not going to fuck up your hands. 0.99

01:01:44.000 Yeah, it is, because my technique will be fucked up because I don't have the time, Joe, to go to the dojo like you have for 30 fucking years and get it down. 0.99

01:01:51.000 And I'm going to go in there and I'm going to fuck up my wrist. 0.99

01:01:54.000 No! 0.99

01:01:54.000 I'm going to hit it with the wrong... 0.99

01:01:56.000 Oh yeah, watch a couple of YouTube...

01:01:57.000 You wrap your hands.

01:01:57.000 I know, you wrap your hands.

01:01:59.000 You get a water bag.

01:02:00.000 You swaddle them.

01:02:00.000 You get a water bag.

01:02:01.000 You swaddle your hands.

01:02:02.000 You get a water bag.

01:02:03.000 Water bags are literally like you're punching into water.

01:02:06.000 It's heavy.

01:02:07.000 We live in a desert.

01:02:07.000 But it just goes...

01:02:08.000 Same water will be there forever.

01:02:11.000 It's raining now.

01:02:12.000 Got plenty of rain out there.

01:02:13.000 I love how they said the drought is over.

01:02:15.000 It's like, no, we have enough water right now.

01:02:17.000 This now has to last us. 0.98

01:02:18.000 Who the fuck knows when it's going to rain again? 0.99

01:02:20.000 Somebody like the mayor or some shit said that out here. 0.99

01:02:23.000 The drought is now officially over. 1.00

01:02:24.000 Now every douchebag out there is taking an extra long shower. 0.91

01:02:27.000 It's completely irresponsible. 1.00

01:02:28.000 They never stopped watering those fucking golf courses. 1.00

01:02:30.000 The golf courses is a huge problem. 1.00

01:02:32.000 But they stopped watering the medium strip.

01:02:36.000 Yeah.

01:02:36.000 On Sunset in Beverly Hills.

01:02:39.000 That was unsettling. 0.99

01:02:40.000 I was like, wow, they're letting rich people's grass go fucking brown. 0.99

01:02:43.000 This is scary. 0.99

01:02:44.000 This is getting real.

01:02:46.000 Well, they had rules, right?

01:02:47.000 Like, you were only supposed to water your thing at night, and you could only water it a certain amount of times a day, like when it comes to your lawn.

01:02:53.000 But they didn't have those rules with golf courses, did they?

01:02:56.000 Golf courses, like, especially private ones, they spend millions of gallons of water every year, just in L.A. Yeah, I don't, uh...

01:03:04.000 Do you golf?

01:03:05.000 No.

01:03:06.000 Good for you.

01:03:07.000 I don't... 0.99

01:03:07.000 It's so fucking mind-numbingly boring. 0.99

01:03:10.000 I can't get into a sport where there's nobody trying to stop me. 0.98

01:03:13.000 Okay.

01:03:14.000 And when they're just going, yeah, it's a game against yourself.

01:03:16.000 I'm going to forgive myself.

01:03:18.000 That's all right, Bill.

01:03:19.000 You'll get them the next hole. 0.99

01:03:21.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00

01:03:22.000 It's so fucking... 0.99

01:03:24.000 I respect it. 0.99

01:03:26.000 I don't think it's a sport.

01:03:28.000 But I think the people that are the best at it are athletic.

01:03:32.000 But I have seen...

01:03:33.000 The people that I have seen, dude, that I'm telling you, if you threw a ball at them, they would tense up.

01:03:38.000 They just don't have any athletic ability.

01:03:40.000 They will get on a golf course and they can keep it on the course.

01:03:44.000 And they can shoot, you know, they can break a hundred. 0.99

01:03:47.000 You know, I just, oh, and the fucking pageantry of it. 1.00

01:03:51.000 All the fucking clothes and the bags. 1.00

01:03:54.000 The tweed. 1.00

01:03:54.000 And then you know what I'm like either? 1.00

01:03:56.000 I don't think there's ever been a fucking sport, because there's so many fat fuck non-athletic people playing it. 0.99

01:04:02.000 There has never been a sport that has adjusted the equipment. 0.99

01:04:05.000 The ball, the fucking, the clubs that you use to give you more distance, to help you hit it straighter. 0.99

01:04:11.000 It's like literally, the only thing missing on a fucking driver now is training wheels. 1.00

01:04:15.000 It's fucking brutal. 0.99

01:04:15.000 They should just have it guide you back and then come right through. 0.99

01:04:19.000 That's true.

01:04:20.000 Like, baseball never went to aluminum bats.

01:04:22.000 If they did, it would...

01:04:23.000 They did at the college level, but at the pro level, they're just like, no, man, you can't...

01:04:26.000 You can't do this.

01:04:28.000 But baseball, when they were going through, no one was watching it and it wasn't exciting.

01:04:34.000 They made the stadium smaller.

01:04:36.000 They juiced up the ball.

01:04:38.000 People on roids, they looked the other way.

01:04:40.000 Like, what?

01:04:40.000 I didn't know that.

01:04:43.000 And they just had these King Kong guys going up there, just smashing them over the fence.

01:04:49.000 But I'm just saying, like, I don't know.

01:04:51.000 I like when guys got busted for cork in the bat. 0.74

01:04:53.000 I thought that was the most ridiculous thing to get in trouble for. 0.58

01:04:56.000 Oh, they put cork inside the bat. 0.67

01:04:58.000 Remember, bats would break, and they're like, Oh, what's in your bat?

01:05:02.000 But that was always, that's another one, too, I couldn't watch.

01:05:04.000 That's just so embarrassing.

01:05:06.000 They quickly try to pick it up.

01:05:09.000 And just cover up the cork?

01:05:11.000 Well, this is what you should do.

01:05:12.000 Like, if you're gonna do that, like, the entire time you're a pro, you should... 1.00

01:05:17.000 The bat boy should never have to deal with your shit. 1.00

01:05:19.000 You always go, it's okay, Sonny, I got it. 1.00

01:05:21.000 And they're like, look, I'd be so down-to-earth so that when you finally get busted with your cork bat, when you go to pick it up, no one's gonna look at you weird. 0.93

01:05:26.000 But the thing is, these, you know, these Major League Baseball guys, they just fucking drop the bat and some little eight-year-old scurries out and picks it up. 0.99

01:05:33.000 So the second that you give a fuck... 0.99

01:05:36.000 About that little eight-year-old, like, I think you've run enough there, sonny boy. 1.00

01:05:39.000 I think they realize that that's when the up comes over.

01:05:42.000 You can see the cork, right?

01:05:44.000 When it snaps?

01:05:45.000 I know.

01:05:47.000 I mean, the average sports fan would be like, dude, I know.

01:05:51.000 I said that a month ago.

01:05:53.000 I can't. 0.99

01:05:53.000 The fucking bat breaks, I have no idea. 0.99

01:05:55.000 It's not until they pick it up and they start looking at it, and then the announcer literally tells me, ah, they're inspecting his bat. 0.99

01:06:00.000 This could possibly be a cork situation.

01:06:03.000 Then I know.

01:06:05.000 How much of a difference does it make to have cork in the bat?

01:06:08.000 It's just a competitive edge. 0.97

01:06:11.000 I mean, you still have to have the barrel, the bat, meet the ball, which is so fucking hard.

01:06:15.000 You still have to do that.

01:06:16.000 But it could be the difference between getting to the warning track.

01:06:21.000 And going over.

01:06:22.000 Or hitting the wall and getting a ground rule double or something.

01:06:27.000 That's it?

01:06:27.000 Just that little amount?

01:06:29.000 That's it?

01:06:30.000 It just gives it a little push. 0.99

01:06:33.000 No shit! 0.99

01:06:34.000 Sammy Sosa's downfall began 13 years ago today. 1.00

01:06:37.000 Sammy Sosa got busted with cork?

01:06:40.000 So what do they do?

01:06:41.000 They drill a hole in the bat and they just hollow it out somehow or another? 0.99

01:06:45.000 What the fuck's going on in that one? 0.99

01:06:46.000 That picture you just showed. 0.99

01:06:48.000 What's that?

01:06:49.000 It might have been when they picked it up off the ground. 0.99

01:06:51.000 There could have been some grass in it or some shit. 0.99

01:06:54.000 So, I didn't know. 0.99

01:06:55.000 I thought they drilled a hole.

01:06:58.000 I was trying to follow this down.

01:06:59.000 It says, if a bat has been corked, it transfers less energy to the ball, which makes sense kind of to me.

01:07:04.000 It transfers less energy to the ball?

01:07:06.000 Huh.

01:07:09.000 Well, that doesn't make any sense.

01:07:10.000 Yeah, that doesn't make sense to me, although I have no physics background.

01:07:13.000 Well, it seems to me that it makes more sense that if a bat was solid, that does make sense.

01:07:21.000 It's got more mass of a transfer, but you would be able to swing it faster if it was lighter.

01:07:27.000 Oh, I thought it was because it was more of a spongy thing.

01:07:29.000 Yeah, that's what I thought, too.

01:07:30.000 And you know what?

01:07:31.000 And that's right, because I think they drill from the top. 1.00

01:07:33.000 Thank God you said that, because there was probably a bunch of people screaming right now with their fucking players going, no, you fuck! 1.00

01:07:38.000 You fucking moron. 1.00

01:07:39.000 It's lighter, you cunt. 1.00

01:07:40.000 Oh, that's what it is. 1.00

01:07:41.000 I always thought they had it up against the...

01:07:45.000 Like, flush with it.

01:07:47.000 Dude, that doesn't make any sense.

01:07:48.000 Now that I think about that, that's like having a Nerf bat up there. 0.99

01:07:51.000 The fucking bat would break. 0.99

01:07:53.000 I thought it would like... 1.00

01:07:54.000 Which I guess it does.

01:07:55.000 Bounce more.

01:07:56.000 Boink! 0.99

01:07:57.000 For your listeners, for the record, I said I had no physics background.

01:08:00.000 You definitely don't.

01:08:01.000 No, I don't.

01:08:02.000 Yeah, I would think that it would hit harder, right?

01:08:05.000 So it's just a matter of it being faster.

01:08:07.000 Just bat speed. 0.64

01:08:08.000 Probably, yeah, your bat speed. 0.76

01:08:09.000 Coming through the zone.

01:08:10.000 Interesting.

01:08:11.000 Which is why they swing, when they're warming up, they swing all those other bats.

01:08:14.000 They swing two bats.

01:08:15.000 Right?

01:08:16.000 You know why?

01:08:17.000 Or they put a weight on the bat, they swing that.

01:08:20.000 Yeah, which allegedly helps.

01:08:21.000 Some people say it helps.

01:08:22.000 Some people say it doesn't help.

01:08:23.000 Well, don't you guys do that?

01:08:24.000 Don't you guys, like, run with, like, weighted vests on through the mountains?

01:08:28.000 Yeah, it's bad for your joints, but some guys do it.

01:08:31.000 The best way to do it is hiking.

01:08:32.000 Hiking with weighted vests is okay, but running, really not such a good idea.

01:08:36.000 Especially, there's a lot of guys that do it, though.

01:08:38.000 They'll put a weighted vest on, they run on concrete. 0.99

01:08:41.000 Just hard asses. 1.00

01:08:42.000 Hey, who won that Tito Ortiz fight? 0.98

01:08:43.000 I saw that.

01:08:43.000 Tito won.

01:08:44.000 He won?

01:08:45.000 He choked him out.

01:08:45.000 Yeah, it was a quick fight.

01:08:47.000 He got caught in a guillotine early in the fight, but Chael lost the guillotine.

01:08:51.000 Tito got on top.

01:08:52.000 Tito took his back.

01:08:53.000 And he got like, it was like sort of a rear naked choke, but more of like a face crush. 0.70

01:08:59.000 Tito's just a gorilla.

01:09:00.000 A lot of people thought it was a work.

01:09:02.000 They thought it was fake.

01:09:03.000 That it was a fake fight.

01:09:04.000 Oh, because he did it so easily?

01:09:05.000 Well, it looked fake because the choke wasn't in right, but it wasn't fake.

01:09:09.000 He just kind of...

01:09:10.000 He did what we call gooned him.

01:09:12.000 You gooned somebody.

01:09:13.000 Like, there's sometimes, like, you could just get someone's head and just crush it, and you goon him.

01:09:17.000 Whereas, like, the right technique...

01:09:19.000 You could do that to me.

01:09:20.000 Yeah, the right technique is you go under the chin, you wrap your head around the back of the neck, and that way you can just get maximum leverage and it's perfect technique.

01:09:29.000 He just sort of drove his lower jaw into the back of his head. 0.80

01:09:31.000 If someone's eye sockets are like right there, and I get their head, and I'm fresh early in the fight because you're not even tired, and you get fucking crushed their head, you could goon somebody.

01:09:41.000 There's a lot of guys that have been gooned.

01:09:43.000 You love that word, dude.

01:09:45.000 Yeah, gooning...

01:09:46.000 It's a jiu-jitsu word.

01:09:48.000 There's certain techniques you do.

01:09:50.000 You know what's funny?

01:09:51.000 It just totally defines what it is.

01:09:53.000 The second you say it, I know what that is. 1.00

01:09:55.000 You just had no respect for my style, walked through all my pussy kicks and hits, and just fucking grabbed my nostril. 1.00

01:10:01.000 Alright, alright, alright! 1.00

01:10:02.000 Do you watch Game of Thrones?

01:10:05.000 My wife just would refuse to get into it. 1.00

01:10:10.000 So, you know...

01:10:11.000 Do you remember the mountain?

01:10:12.000 I just didn't watch it.

01:10:13.000 The mountain grabbed that guy's head and crushed it.

01:10:15.000 He gooned him. 0.84

01:10:17.000 He grabbed his head and he just smashed his head with his hands. 1.00

01:10:20.000 The only one I saw was when that little shit king, you know, didn't like this song this guy sang and he fucking goes, all right, rip his tongue out. 1.00

01:10:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:28.000 And I was just like, who the fuck would listen to this little shit? 1.00

01:10:31.000 To this guy. 1.00

01:10:32.000 See, he slips, the guy gets on top of him, grabs him, and he just fucking goons him. 0.99

01:10:39.000 He grabs his head and he fucking goons him. 0.99

01:10:44.000 Boom! 0.99

01:10:46.000 Smash! 1.00

01:10:50.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:10:51.000 That guy is fucking gigantic, too. 1.00

01:10:54.000 Look, she's upset. 1.00

01:10:55.000 Meanwhile, the other guy was killing the other guy.

01:10:57.000 You know what I love?

01:10:57.000 What I love is they were watching a fight to the death, but they've never seen it done like that.

01:11:02.000 So there's always that level of gross out.

01:11:04.000 It's like working your way through porn.

01:11:06.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:11:06.000 Where you just start off with the basic shit, and all of a sudden you just go into darker and darker rooms. 0.99

01:11:10.000 That's the same thing when watching people's fucking... 1.00

01:11:13.000 Get hurt. 1.00

01:11:14.000 Yeah, right? 0.98

01:11:15.000 Like, torturing someone to death. 0.96

01:11:16.000 It's more terrifying to people than just shooting them from a distance as a sniper. 0.92

01:11:21.000 Yeah, you could, like, watch that.

01:11:22.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:11:23.000 People who fucking, like, the fact that human beings understand pain and then they inflict it, like, slowly on other people is the most fucking, like, animalistic part. 1.00

01:11:32.000 Like, every time I hear that shit, that people literally torture another human being. 1.00

01:11:37.000 Like, how you go home at the end of the day thinking you did something good is just fucking out of mind. 0.99

01:11:42.000 You gotta get information out of people, Bill Burr.

01:11:44.000 There's some people out there that know things. 0.89

01:11:45.000 You gotta find out what they know, and the best way to do it is to cut their fingers off. 0.99

01:11:49.000 Well, haven't they proved that when you start to cut, just to tell someone to cut your finger off, they will tell you whatever the fuck you want? 1.00

01:11:55.000 I would. 0.99

01:11:56.000 Yeah, but sometimes they won't. 1.00

01:11:58.000 Sometimes they'll tell you some fake shit. 0.99

01:12:01.000 How many fingers in do you think you're getting the real stuff? 1.00

01:12:04.000 Probably nine.

01:12:06.000 Probably nine.

01:12:07.000 And if they think about that last thing that they need to open up their iPhone, like, alright.

01:12:12.000 Or just open the refrigerator drawer.

01:12:15.000 I'll tell you.

01:12:15.000 Door with one finger.

01:12:16.000 I want to still be able to finger somebody.

01:12:18.000 What can you do?

01:12:20.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:12:21.000 I mean, it's, look.

01:12:24.000 What are war crimes?

01:12:26.000 How about that?

01:12:26.000 How about, you know, you're not allowed to do certain things, you're not allowed to gas people, but you're allowed to drop a nuclear bomb on them?

01:12:31.000 You're allowed to do that?

01:12:32.000 No, it shouldn't be, like war at this point, it shouldn't be legal.

01:12:37.000 War should be illegal.

01:12:38.000 So what do you do when someone attacks? 1.00

01:12:40.000 Just give them your shit? 1.00

01:12:41.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:12:42.000 I'm just saying that we should be progressed enough.

01:12:45.000 Right.

01:12:46.000 We should be, yeah.

01:12:47.000 The problem is the rest of the world.

01:12:49.000 Common people.

01:12:49.000 Common people, right.

01:12:50.000 Oh, dude, we're not exactly civilized.

01:12:53.000 I don't think anybody's... 0.97

01:12:54.000 I think going to war is not a civil fucking thought. 0.97

01:12:58.000 It's just... 0.98

01:12:59.000 It would be great if everybody...

01:13:01.000 Because you need regular people to do it.

01:13:03.000 So if everybody was just like, yeah, we're not doing it.

01:13:05.000 If you rich guys want to go to war, you guys go fight each other to death. 0.99

01:13:09.000 But we'll fucking watch it on... 1.00

01:13:10.000 That would be the ultimate. 0.99

01:13:11.000 But there's a complete lack of trust.

01:13:14.000 With, you know, different countries, different cultures, different races and all that.

01:13:19.000 But if you could somehow get everybody on the same page to be just like, yeah, you know, we're not doing that anymore.

01:13:25.000 So you guys find out a different way to fucking take over the world or something that, you know.

01:13:31.000 But, you know, that could never happen. 0.98

01:13:32.000 You can't.

01:13:33.000 I mean, Jesus Christ.

01:13:33.000 Couldn't it, though?

01:13:34.000 Did you ever watch The Apprentice and you watched him try to fucking get, you know, Vince Neil? 0.98

01:13:40.000 And the Culture Club guy, they can't even get on the same fucking page. 0.99

01:13:43.000 Celebrity Apprentice? 0.99

01:13:43.000 I don't watch it. 0.99

01:13:45.000 Yeah, they can't get on the same fucking page to write a song. 0.96

01:13:48.000 So there's no way you're ever going to end war right there. 0.98

01:13:49.000 They asked me to do that show, Celebrity Apprentice, back when Fear Factor came back years ago.

01:13:54.000 And I was thinking about doing it, and I'm so glad I didn't do it now.

01:13:57.000 Because what if, like, me and Trump didn't get along? 0.99

01:14:00.000 What if he thought I was a cunt, and now he became president? 1.00

01:14:03.000 I was like, shit... 1.00

01:14:05.000 I'm fucking enemies with the president. 1.00

01:14:08.000 Imagine that? 1.00

01:14:09.000 Like Rosie O'Donnell right now. 0.99

01:14:11.000 She probably barely leaves her house. 1.00

01:14:13.000 She's probably just sitting home going, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 1.00

01:14:16.000 Did you get audited or something? 1.00

01:14:17.000 Well, she used to shit on him constantly. 1.00

01:14:19.000 And then he started shitting on her and they would go to war with each other. 1.00

01:14:22.000 She was on The View and she would shit on him and make fun of his hair and make fun of him and make fun of his life and his family. 1.00

01:14:29.000 Right. 1.00

01:14:30.000 And then he became fucking president. 1.00

01:14:33.000 And then in the debates, he was mocking her in the debates. 1.00

01:14:37.000 Because Clinton said something about the things that he says about women. 1.00

01:14:40.000 Which I always have a real fucking problem with. 0.99

01:14:42.000 Because she was like, you've called women this and you've called women that. 0.99

01:14:46.000 Okay, he's called people that.

01:14:48.000 And some of those people happen to be women. 1.00

01:14:50.000 He's also called men that.

01:14:52.000 And that's one of the things that he said. 0.98

01:14:54.000 I didn't understand one of the things that he said when he said she's a nasty woman. 1.00

01:14:57.000 Why they latched on. 0.92

01:14:58.000 Like he was attacking all women.

01:14:59.000 She is a woman. 0.98

01:15:00.000 And he's saying that she's nasty. 0.99

01:15:03.000 Or he's not a good man or whatever.

01:15:06.000 Exactly.

01:15:06.000 It became this thing where you're not supposed to mock women, make fun of women.

01:15:13.000 Are we equal or are we not? 0.99

01:15:15.000 Because if we're equal, I should be able to shit on you the way I shit on everybody if I don't like your character. 0.99

01:15:20.000 You know what was a bad move? 0.99

01:15:21.000 Was that t-shirt that was, the future is feminine? 0.85

01:15:26.000 What's that?

01:15:27.000 There was just this thing that these women were wearing it when I went down to go vote. 1.00

01:15:31.000 And it's just like, you are so fucking... 0.99

01:15:33.000 You're making people not want to vote for Clinton. 0.99

01:15:35.000 Yes.

01:15:36.000 Yeah.

01:15:36.000 Because it should be the future is like some sort of unity.

01:15:39.000 Right. 0.91

01:15:40.000 And what you're doing is like, oh, the future is we're going to fucking now do to you what we've been complaining about. 0.97

01:15:45.000 We're just going to be... 0.92

01:15:45.000 So then you lose any sort of... 0.92

01:15:50.000 Feeling of like, oh, this person's a victim or like, this person's a good person. 1.00

01:15:55.000 Oh, what you are is a complete fucking psycho who just hasn't got to sit at the controls yet. 1.00

01:16:00.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:16:01.000 And now you want to be that and now you're going to ram it down everybody's throats and it's just like, there needs to be...

01:16:08.000 It's why I can't watch CNN or Fox because I can't just sit there and listen.

01:16:13.000 I mean, as much as I rant and rave, which is fucking pretty ironic, I can't sit there and listen to people Screaming and yelling at each other because they don't want to...

01:16:21.000 They don't want to come together.

01:16:22.000 They don't want to find what's right.

01:16:24.000 They just want to win.

01:16:25.000 They have a side.

01:16:26.000 Yeah.

01:16:26.000 They have a side and they don't look at the other side.

01:16:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:16:28.000 I wear a red tie, so I argue the red tie shit. 1.00

01:16:31.000 You got a blue tie, so you argue that. 1.00

01:16:33.000 It's fucking childish. 0.99

01:16:34.000 Hashtag I'm with her. 1.00

01:16:35.000 Yeah, the I'm with her thing was driving me fucking crazy, too. 0.75

01:16:38.000 What do you mean you're with her? 0.93

01:16:40.000 Is it just her?

01:16:41.000 Is it about a woman? 1.00

01:16:42.000 Or is it about who's the right person to run the fucking country? 1.00

01:16:45.000 Because it's not her... 0.99

01:16:47.000 Are you voting Democratic? 0.98

01:16:49.000 And I thought those fucking, you know, CNN, you know, you see that they kind of fucking boxed out Bernie Sanders. 0.99

01:16:54.000 Exactly. 0.98

01:16:55.000 It was almost like a fight, and he might have been a better matchup.

01:16:58.000 Who knows?

01:16:58.000 He was a way better matchup.

01:17:00.000 He wasn't compromised.

01:17:01.000 Like, if you want to talk about someone who's financially compromised, he wasn't compromised.

01:17:04.000 He was, like, maybe the only guy ever running for president that wasn't completely tied into the financial system. 0.67

01:17:10.000 They can always find shit on you and be like, well, you know, he was absent this, he didn't vote for that. 0.98

01:17:13.000 I love when they try to get him on, like, they didn't vote for this or they didn't vote for that, and it's just like, well, what was fucking attached to it? 0.99

01:17:18.000 And I don't get why that's legal. 0.59

01:17:20.000 Where it's like, hey, you want clean drinking water for children?

01:17:23.000 And it's like, he voted no against that.

01:17:25.000 And then you see what is attached to it. 0.99

01:17:28.000 It's like, oh yeah, they're going to start fracking next to a fucking hospital or whatever. 0.99

01:17:33.000 I don't know. 0.98

01:17:33.000 The CNN-Fox divide, the left and the right divide has never been greater in this country than right now. 0.98

01:17:39.000 There's no one objective news source.

01:17:41.000 There's not one source that just tells you what's going on and doesn't do it from a biased perspective. 1.00

01:17:45.000 But I think that divide only exists between the people that watch that shit. 0.99

01:17:51.000 It's kind of like people like, do you watch the UFC? Do you not watch the UFC? If you watch the UFC, you're fucking into the shit. 0.99

01:17:56.000 And I think there's just news junkies out there that just mainline that shit. 1.00

01:18:01.000 And they're the ones where that divide is like that. 1.00

01:18:05.000 But someone like myself, I can listen to somebody...

01:18:10.000 I try to anyways. 0.99

01:18:11.000 Whatever your point of view is, I try to listen to it because I try to keep that shit out of my head because it gives me anxiety. 1.00

01:18:20.000 I can't fucking watch it. 1.00

01:18:21.000 I can't watch it. 1.00

01:18:21.000 My mother was watching the last time I went home. 1.00

01:18:25.000 My mother was watching this kids thing. 1.00

01:18:27.000 We got little nephews and nieces and I literally couldn't even get through the fucking kids movie. 0.99

01:18:31.000 Because towards the end, they just kept putting these obstacles, and the fucking anxiety, it just built in me. 0.99

01:18:36.000 I'm not built like that. 0.99

01:18:37.000 I can't handle it. 0.99

01:18:37.000 Just literally watching a kid's movie, watching this thing going like, can you just get him to the end where he gets the fucking thing and you roll the credits and it's fine? 0.99

01:18:45.000 Can you stop having like, you know, oh, and then the little robot almost falls into the trash bin. 0.94

01:18:50.000 I know he's not gonna, but I just, I can't even handle that. 0.92

01:18:53.000 There's no fucking way I'm gonna sit there watching news.

01:18:57.000 Hope that people like you are the future. 1.00

01:19:00.000 I hope that this we realize that this fucking left versus right thing is stupid But people love to be on a team. 1.00

01:19:06.000 They love it They love to be on our side is winning and your side can go fuck themselves and they love to win We won. 1.00

01:19:13.000 How many people did you see on Twitter? 1.00

01:19:15.000 There's like we won get over it.

01:19:16.000 We won I saw a lot of that a lot of we won.

01:19:20.000 Yeah, the left can't handle it.

01:19:22.000 We won MAGA What does MAGA mean?

01:19:26.000 Make America Great Again.

01:19:28.000 Oh.

01:19:29.000 Hashtag M-A-G-A. Hey, you know, people have a right to tweet.

01:19:34.000 What are you gonna do?

01:19:35.000 Oh yeah, they definitely do.

01:19:36.000 It's interesting.

01:19:36.000 We're working it out.

01:19:37.000 I think we're working it out as a civilization.

01:19:39.000 That's what I think.

01:19:40.000 You know, Ike had a little bit of faith until you came in with the cameras and the grains of sand.

01:19:44.000 That's the future.

01:19:45.000 It's gonna take some time.

01:19:47.000 That's gonna take about 50 years. 1.00

01:19:48.000 I'm gonna buy a fucking leaf blower. 1.00

01:19:50.000 Just walk around. 1.00

01:19:51.000 Just fucking... 1.00

01:19:51.000 Walking down the street with a thing. 1.00

01:19:55.000 But meanwhile, they'll have video footage of you because you won't be able to get all the grains.

01:19:59.000 They'll be everywhere.

01:20:00.000 They'll literally be covering the surface of this planet like dirt.

01:20:05.000 Little tiny cameras.

01:20:06.000 You know, there's got to be a thing that I always thought, like, I don't know if I read about this because I go always late night. 0.94

01:20:12.000 I fucking go on the Internet as I fall asleep.

01:20:13.000 So I can't remember if this is my idea. 0.98

01:20:15.000 Somebody came up with it.

01:20:16.000 It would be really cool.

01:20:18.000 Say if you're at some level of celebrity where everybody's always taking a picture of you.

01:20:24.000 If you could wear a suit that anticipated the camera flash and as their cameras flashed, you would flash back at them and then they couldn't get anything. 0.93

01:20:32.000 And then you could just sit there eating your soup as everybody's taking pictures of you and they would all go back to the developing room or whatever the fuck they do, look into their cameras and not understand what was going on.

01:20:41.000 It would just be like a UFO landing in front of them. 0.92

01:20:43.000 Yeah, there has to be a way like...

01:20:45.000 I feel like...

01:20:47.000 Future money is encountering all that.

01:20:49.000 There it is.

01:20:50.000 Anti-paparazzi clothes.

01:20:52.000 It's a blazer.

01:20:52.000 Oh, so I did.

01:20:52.000 I knew I was too stupid to come up with that.

01:20:55.000 Be seen, not captured. 1.00

01:20:58.000 3M reflection stuff.

01:20:59.000 It's on a lot of shoes and some other clothes.

01:21:00.000 All they have to do is turn their flash off, though.

01:21:02.000 Well, then it's in the dark and you can't see the people, which is the opposite reason of taking the photo.

01:21:06.000 But does it work?

01:21:07.000 Yeah.

01:21:08.000 I'll show you.

01:21:08.000 I'll get a better photo.

01:21:09.000 This was just an article.

01:21:11.000 Here's some of the photos. 0.97

01:21:13.000 I knew I was too dumb to come up with that. 0.70

01:21:15.000 So they're wearing hoods that stop... 0.71

01:21:18.000 You won't be able to see their face or anything.

01:21:20.000 You can just see the clothes.

01:21:22.000 Which is not really the reason they want to take your photo.

01:21:26.000 Yeah, but you can see who that guy is.

01:21:29.000 There might be a way to get around it, I'm sure, but for now...

01:21:32.000 Those new cameras that they have now are so good on camera phones, are so good in low light that you don't even need that anymore.

01:21:42.000 You just take a photo of it.

01:21:43.000 I mean, they can capture incredible images in pretty low light with the iPhone 7. All those, like, TMZ guys aren't using iPhone photos for a reason.

01:21:51.000 Oh, okay.

01:21:52.000 Right.

01:21:53.000 I don't know.

01:21:54.000 Strange times.

01:21:56.000 Comes to privacy.

01:21:57.000 Slowly but surely, it's all going away.

01:21:59.000 We're taking callers!

01:22:01.000 Where are you gonna move, Bill?

01:22:04.000 The mountains?

01:22:04.000 No, no, no.

01:22:05.000 I'm not fighting any of this shit. 0.99

01:22:07.000 I'm just, you know... 0.98

01:22:07.000 Just gonna hang out? 0.98

01:22:08.000 Ah, just look at it disappointed.

01:22:11.000 Why do we have to do this?

01:22:12.000 Come on, guys.

01:22:15.000 Let's just go back to playing checkers and whittling wood.

01:22:18.000 It's not gonna happen.

01:22:20.000 We're gonna keep going forward.

01:22:22.000 I'm a little nervous about it.

01:22:24.000 Let's get out.

01:22:25.000 Come on.

01:22:25.000 I got the rest of the day ahead of me, man.

01:22:27.000 I can't go down this rabbit hole.

01:22:28.000 It's all good.

01:22:29.000 It's all good.

01:22:30.000 You're going to be fine?

01:22:31.000 Tell jokes for them.

01:22:32.000 Especially now when you have a little tiny baby that just happened.

01:22:34.000 Tell jokes for them.

01:22:35.000 She's the best.

01:22:36.000 She's the best. 1.00

01:22:39.000 What's her future going to be like when it comes to this shit? 1.00

01:22:41.000 That's what's bizarre. 1.00

01:22:42.000 What are our kids going to have to deal with 50 years from now?

01:22:45.000 What kind of bizarre integration?

01:22:47.000 They'll deal with it.

01:22:48.000 They'll deal with it.

01:22:48.000 They will.

01:22:48.000 And they'll find their fun and they'll be happy and we'll be gone.

01:22:53.000 So, try not to be a cunt. 1.00

01:22:57.000 I don't know what to tell you. 1.00

01:22:58.000 All I know is I got a special coming out.

01:23:00.000 That's right.

01:23:00.000 Let's spin it around.

01:23:01.000 Bill Burr, it's out right now.

01:23:02.000 It is out right now.

01:23:03.000 Netflix special.

01:23:04.000 It's out right now, and...

01:23:06.000 I'm very proud of it, and I like the look of it, the whole thing.

01:23:10.000 I like the jokes that I did on it, and I hope people feel the same way, because I'd like to continue my privileged life here.

01:23:16.000 And this one's black and white, no.

01:23:17.000 The last one's black and white, this one's color, rather.

01:23:19.000 Yeah, each one I do, I have a look that I'm going for.

01:23:24.000 The same way I try to improve as a comedian, each time is a little bit of a different thing, and I've always felt that we went through this horrible period of stand-up specials where they, It was just a complete lack of respect for the art form.

01:23:40.000 It's just an amazing thing that one guy or woman can go out there and just talk into a microphone and people will fucking listen to it for like, you know, I don't know, an hour or so.

01:23:52.000 And they just started shooting it. 0.87

01:23:54.000 Everybody's looked the same.

01:23:55.000 And what did you do for this look?

01:23:58.000 Well, I'm not going to give you all my tricks, but what I was going for in this one, although that's a shitty image of it on this thing, but there was a few concert films that I liked the look of.

01:24:11.000 I always try to fuck with the HD a little bit because it's clearer than real life, so I try to tone it down a little bit.

01:24:20.000 So you gave yourself a little Instagram filter. 0.99

01:24:23.000 Like those Snapchat girls do. 1.00

01:24:25.000 Not like a Snapchat thing, just making it not look like I'm standing in a tropical fish tank and a clownfish is going to swim. 0.99

01:24:31.000 It's just like when you look at HD, it's just like fucking like, oh my god, look how fucking white that t-shirt is. 0.98

01:24:38.000 And you get distracted. 0.98

01:24:40.000 And I think it makes it not look real.

01:24:43.000 Whereas if you look at...

01:24:45.000 If you look at like, I don't know, it's just something like, I would look at old concert films, I'd look at old stand-up and be like, why does this look like this really happened? 0.96

01:24:52.000 And why does all this shit now look so fake?

01:24:56.000 And a lot of it was, it was just too fucking clear, and it was also like, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, as it was going through, and it makes your brain reset, and rather than drawing people in, you're giving them like an epileptic episode. 0.98

01:25:12.000 I did my last special almost entirely from the waist up with no edits.

01:25:16.000 Very few edits.

01:25:17.000 The only time I edited it is when I wanted to show a side shot or when I wanted to show my whole body.

01:25:22.000 That's it.

01:25:22.000 I tried to do it where you're right in front of me just watching.

01:25:25.000 Just like you would if you're sitting in the crowd at a comedy show.

01:25:28.000 And they always want to show the audience.

01:25:30.000 They always want to show this and cut back and forth.

01:25:33.000 I'm like, every time you do that, you make a person realize that they're watching a film.

01:25:37.000 No, their brain resets too.

01:25:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:25:39.000 So you were just drawing them in. 1.00

01:25:41.000 They were into your shit. 1.00

01:25:42.000 When somebody watches you do a show, you're not all of a sudden up in the balcony or turning around or swooping in. 1.00

01:25:48.000 You've got to have a little bit of that because it does have to be sort of like a concert film, but it's all how you pick those.

01:25:56.000 Yeah.

01:25:57.000 Now, when you're doing stand-up and you're also doing F is for Family, we had this conversation the other day at the store where you're talking about how it just kind of swoops in and takes all your time.

01:26:06.000 Yeah, during the heavy writing part of it.

01:26:09.000 And how much time do you spend doing that show, F is for Fam?

01:26:12.000 Which, by the way, is fucking awesome.

01:26:14.000 I love that show. 0.87

01:26:15.000 Oh, thank you.

01:26:16.000 It's hilarious.

01:26:16.000 It's coming out again in May.

01:26:18.000 How many episodes do you do at a time?

01:26:19.000 Well, this time we did ten.

01:26:20.000 They gave us six the first... 0.98

01:26:23.000 The first season, they gave us six because I think they were like, what the fuck do you guys want to do? 0.96

01:26:27.000 And then they saw it and then they liked it. 0.87

01:26:29.000 And that's what I'm guessing because it was a weird order.

01:26:32.000 It was like a half order.

01:26:33.000 So now we're doing ten.

01:26:37.000 So that comes out in May.

01:26:39.000 I just realized the math didn't work out on that because they gave me six and I said it was a half order.

01:26:42.000 But they used to do twelve, but then they whittled everybody down to ten.

01:26:45.000 So...

01:26:47.000 Now, like, when you write that, how far in advance do you start before you, like, because it takes a while to put it together and to film it.

01:26:54.000 Yeah, like, we're mapping out the third, if we get a third season, because it's, you know, it's kind of weird, like, you just kind of put it all out at once, so we have to see, hopefully, the people that watched it the first time.

01:27:06.000 Come back again, and then more people come.

01:27:08.000 But, uh...

01:27:09.000 As far as how that works is...

01:27:12.000 Like, you really...

01:27:13.000 Like...

01:27:14.000 It's...

01:27:16.000 The war room to do a season is you map out the season.

01:27:21.000 And you really have to, like...

01:27:25.000 Work all the bugs out of it.

01:27:27.000 And that's the time when you're like, are we going to go big here?

01:27:30.000 Are we going to have this more grounded?

01:27:32.000 Is this going to happen?

01:27:33.000 Is that going to happen?

01:27:34.000 And you really work out the big emotional moments and the storylines Before you get in there.

01:27:43.000 Because as you start to write, and there's ten people in the room, and the ideas are flowing, you can kind of veer off, which can be a good thing.

01:27:52.000 It's not like it's set in stone, like this is what we're writing.

01:27:55.000 But you just sort of know, we're going from point A to point B, then B to C. And then how you get there is sort of the art of writing it.

01:28:04.000 But you just want to make sure that...

01:28:07.000 All of a sudden, you don't go A over to C, and then blah, blah, blah.

01:28:10.000 If you've got B, we've got to go back to this.

01:28:11.000 How do we correct all of this?

01:28:14.000 Depending on the type of show that you do.

01:28:17.000 Like ours, I like to try to keep it grounded in a certain level of reality, but also take advantage that it is animation, so you can get a little absurd.

01:28:27.000 And there's just a balance of that. 0.99

01:28:29.000 It's like a fucking recipe. 0.99

01:28:30.000 Like, alright, there's too much salt here. 1.00

01:28:31.000 We've got to do a little bit more of this. 0.99

01:28:34.000 This is the first time I've gone this far With anything so now I learned a lot in this second season about that so we're really hammering out this this third season and You know, I don't know but I'm a total newbie at this shit. 0.51

01:28:49.000 Had you ever written anything before like that? 0.87

01:28:54.000 No, I think I actually could be a decent writer. 0.97

01:28:56.000 I just don't want to do it because it's so much fucking work. 0.96

01:28:59.000 I just don't want to just sit down, write this whole fucking thing, send it to a studio and then be like, change this, change that, do this, bloodline, go all the way back to the beginning. 0.97

01:29:07.000 Like, you know, I think if I was more, if I didn't have, like, then, because I always have a thing in my head, I was like, or I could just go do a fucking stand-up gig and do it in real time and it's done. 0.99

01:29:17.000 I have money for my fucking ham sandwiches for a month. 0.97

01:29:20.000 Right. 1.00

01:29:20.000 Why do I want to... 1.00

01:29:22.000 Because I... How hard writers work... 0.98

01:29:26.000 It's fucking unbelievable. 0.98

01:29:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:29.000 Like the level that...

01:29:30.000 How hard that those people work... 1.00

01:29:32.000 Versus like the fucking credit that they get and shit. 1.00

01:29:35.000 So... 1.00

01:29:36.000 I have such a level of respect...

01:29:39.000 That like...

01:29:40.000 You know...

01:29:41.000 I've talked to some people and they're like...

01:29:43.000 Hey, you want to write like a movie script or something like that?

01:29:44.000 Which I guess I know I could do it...

01:29:46.000 But it's just like...

01:29:46.000 I'm going to write a movie script...

01:29:47.000 And do efforts for family... 0.98

01:29:49.000 And fucking do stand-up and try to have my special be better than my last special. 0.98

01:29:52.000 That alone is gonna take up so much time. 0.99

01:29:54.000 And then now I'm gonna be, you know, married and be a dad. 0.96

01:29:56.000 There's like only so many fucking hours in the day. 0.95

01:29:58.000 And then when would I get to play drums, right? 0.99

01:30:01.000 Right. 0.97

01:30:01.000 So do I want to fucking also add that? 0.97

01:30:04.000 And if you don't play drums, then you start going a little wacky. 0.99

01:30:06.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:30:07.000 And there'll be a dick around my wife and kid. 1.00

01:30:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:30:09.000 I'm that way with martial arts. 0.99

01:30:11.000 If I don't do something, some kind of workout, like if someone says, well, just don't work out for a few weeks.

01:30:16.000 That's not even on the menu.

01:30:17.000 I can't do it.

01:30:19.000 It's almost like I have to brush my teeth, I have to work out, I have to maintain a balance.

01:30:24.000 If I don't have that balance, I don't like me.

01:30:27.000 It's weird, because it's just a hobby, but I'm literally obsessed with it. 0.98

01:30:30.000 I've watched fucking, I've watched all these drum videos, drum covers, I watch all of this shit. 0.99

01:30:35.000 I know, you talk about it all the time. 1.00

01:30:36.000 You're balls deep.

01:30:38.000 Yeah.

01:30:39.000 Yeah.

01:30:39.000 But it's like, I think people need things like that.

01:30:42.000 It's fucking harmless. 0.95

01:30:43.000 It's great. 0.99

01:30:43.000 It's fun. 0.99

01:30:43.000 It's a fun thing to do. 0.99

01:30:45.000 And yeah, it keeps me, it's like something, you gotta have something you're looking forward to.

01:30:50.000 As hard as you're working.

01:30:51.000 Like, I got some road gigs coming up, and I am so fucking excited to get, because I, right after I did that special, I think I did Comics Come Home for Leary, and that's about the only road, I haven't been to LAX since like November, which is crazy for me.

01:31:04.000 Wow.

01:31:06.000 So I'm like chomping at the bit to get out there.

01:31:10.000 And like last night I tried to do an hour, man.

01:31:11.000 I was just like, oh God. 0.99

01:31:12.000 I just like, with all the new shit. 0.99

01:31:14.000 Where'd you go last night? 1.00

01:31:15.000 I was down in Largo.

01:31:17.000 I'm going to be at the Ice House Friday night.

01:31:20.000 You're at the Ice House tomorrow too with me.

01:31:22.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:22.000 I'll be down there.

01:31:23.000 And I just got to...

01:31:26.000 The Ice House is the best.

01:31:28.000 I know all the points I want to talk about and...

01:31:33.000 So I just have to start talking about them.

01:31:35.000 So I have to go out there.

01:31:37.000 So I'm going out and doing some club dates.

01:31:39.000 And, you know, I'm bringing some really funny guys in front of me.

01:31:42.000 Who are you bringing?

01:31:43.000 Paul Verzi, Joe Bartnick.

01:31:46.000 Who else?

01:31:47.000 I got Dean Del Rey up in one of...

01:31:49.000 We do San Jose.

01:31:50.000 And, you know, I'm just...

01:31:53.000 The whole thing was waiting for the kid to come.

01:31:56.000 And then she showed up. 1.00

01:31:57.000 And now that that's done, now it's just like, you know...

01:32:01.000 I gotta get out there, dude.

01:32:02.000 So you're doing theater gigs?

01:32:04.000 Are you doing club gigs?

01:32:05.000 No, I'm just doing clubs.

01:32:05.000 I'm working out an hour.

01:32:07.000 I mean, I have to talk in front of an hour, but I'm not gonna make people deal with all of that bullshit to watch me work some shit out. 0.97

01:32:14.000 Where are you going to San Jose? 0.96

01:32:15.000 Are you doing the improv?

01:32:16.000 Yeah.

01:32:16.000 That's a great club.

01:32:17.000 Yeah, so I'm gonna do like a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

01:32:20.000 It's sort of an off-night kind of thing, you know?

01:32:25.000 I always feel like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, people are more forgiving.

01:32:28.000 You go on Friday, Saturday, people are like, I want a show.

01:32:31.000 So I'm doing a lot of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesdays. 0.97

01:32:34.000 I've told people that I'm working my shit out.

01:32:37.000 Ticket prices aren't that bad.

01:32:42.000 It's fun to see, too. 0.93

01:32:43.000 I love watching people work shit out.

01:32:47.000 I'm not one of those people that, like, is working to get off the road. 0.98

01:32:50.000 I fucking love the road. 0.99

01:32:51.000 I love doing the road, and, like, you know, I go to games and shit. 0.99

01:32:54.000 Like, I'm gonna go to Carolina-Duke game when I'm out there, which is fucking legendary shit. 0.99

01:32:58.000 Like, that's just, like, one of the... 0.98

01:33:02.000 That's, like, a bucket list sporting event, whatever sport you're into, is to go there and just experience, like, that level of passion and hysteria for college basketball.

01:33:13.000 I mean, it's like, you know...

01:33:14.000 It's an overused word, but it is a basketball mecca.

01:33:17.000 So that's part of your fun for the road.

01:33:19.000 Yeah.

01:33:19.000 See, like, a day game, and then at night you do the gig.

01:33:22.000 Yeah, and as far as, like, drumming, like, there's, like, rehearsal spaces that I know of that I just...

01:33:27.000 And it's the shit because, you know, I'm not in town, so I don't have any responsibility, and I just go in with my iPhone and all my music... 0.98

01:33:35.000 Put the fucking headphones on and just fucking go nuts for, like, two hours. 0.99

01:33:39.000 It's, like, rather than, I guess, doing the treadmill, which I probably should do more of. 1.00

01:33:42.000 But I just do that, and it's the greatest thing ever.

01:33:44.000 So, like, I'll ask, you know, if I go to some place and I have enough time, you know, I'll ask people in my podcast, hey, if you have a good rehearsal space, because there's good ones and bad ones, you know. 0.98

01:33:53.000 The fucking worst ones is you go there and the drum kits, they're not fucking tuned. 0.96

01:33:56.000 They got old heads, and then everything's been over-torqued. 0.99

01:33:59.000 And you gotta, like, fucking take the sticks to try to get them, you know, they get all frozen up. 0.96

01:34:03.000 Don't you think that a lot of people that get bummed out about the road is because they have to do the road? 0.98

01:34:08.000 Like, one of the beautiful things about you, you don't have to do the road.

01:34:10.000 You like to do the road.

01:34:11.000 Like, I remember one of the things that used to really bum me out when I would do clubs, they would tell me that Richard Jenny Was just in town. 0.99

01:34:19.000 He fucking hated. 0.98

01:34:20.000 He hates being on the road. 1.00

01:34:21.000 He was grumpy.

01:34:22.000 He just hated doing stand-up, because he always wanted to have a sitcom.

01:34:24.000 He always wanted to be like the next Seinfeld. 0.62

01:34:26.000 And it didn't happen for him, so he was miserable.

01:34:29.000 But meanwhile, to me, he was like one of my idols.

01:34:32.000 I was like, this guy's like one of the greatest comics ever.

01:34:34.000 And he doesn't like doing it.

01:34:35.000 Like, this is all I wanted to do.

01:34:37.000 I'd show up at a club, and I'd be like, I can't believe I'm headlining.

01:34:40.000 I'm here.

01:34:41.000 I'm doing it.

01:34:42.000 And they'd say, yeah, it's so nice that someone's actually having a good time.

01:34:46.000 Richard Jenney was here last week.

01:34:47.000 He's so bummed out.

01:34:48.000 Yeah, but you never know they'll let scuttlebutt in the club. 1.00

01:34:50.000 He could have just been in a bad mood and was a cunt that week. 0.99

01:34:53.000 Then all of a sudden, the fact that he's not here to defend whether he liked it. 0.97

01:34:57.000 The level that that guy wrote and the specials that he wrote, he had to have enjoyed it.

01:35:01.000 He enjoyed some of it, but I was friends with his ex-girlfriend.

01:35:05.000 And she was telling me that that was really the case.

01:35:08.000 I was really trying to admit that you wouldn't have confirmed that.

01:35:11.000 Yeah, I know.

01:35:13.000 Well, I think back then, that was the carrot, though.

01:35:16.000 The carrot was always the sitcom.

01:35:17.000 It was like, that was what everybody went for.

01:35:19.000 And if you didn't get that, you felt bummed out.

01:35:21.000 Whereas somewhere along the line, we realized that's not necessarily true.

01:35:25.000 You're better off without the sitcom.

01:35:27.000 You're better off just being a big-name stand-up comic and having a good time. 1.00

01:35:30.000 You write your own shit. 1.00

01:35:31.000 You don't have to deal with producers. 1.00

01:35:33.000 But when he came up, you had to be given a special.

01:35:36.000 You couldn't just do it.

01:35:37.000 Yeah.

01:35:38.000 And then also, the network money was crazy, and if you could get to syndication, you were set for life.

01:35:44.000 For life. 0.99

01:35:44.000 I mean, there's syndication shit now. 0.99

01:35:45.000 Like, with Netflix, there is no syndication. 0.98

01:35:47.000 Right.

01:35:47.000 It's automatically syndicated.

01:35:49.000 Well, I was on two shows that went to syndication.

01:35:51.000 It's not the same.

01:35:52.000 It's not what everybody thinks it is.

01:35:54.000 Like, if you're one of the owners of the show, it's big time.

01:35:58.000 Mm-hmm.

01:35:58.000 But, like, I was...

01:35:59.000 News radio's in syndication.

01:36:01.000 I mean, I got...

01:36:02.000 Don't get me wrong, I got a lot of money from it, but it wasn't like Seinfeld money. 0.97

01:36:07.000 But it goes down to like $7 checks really quickly, like however that fucking math works out.

01:36:12.000 I had a thing with my buddies, like you just take pictures of residual checks and trying to beat each other, and two of my friends got the one cent. 0.52

01:36:21.000 They got one cent?

01:36:22.000 Within a month.

01:36:24.000 Jesus. 0.93

01:36:24.000 Because I didn't think that exists, because I got a lot of like $1.17, you know, I got a friend of mine, I'm not going to say the name of the fucking movie, but like, it's a big time fucking movie and everybody loves it, and they showed it one time on a network for 24 hours straight, 0.93

01:36:42.000 and he got played for one playing. 0.92

01:36:45.000 Because they go, well, it was just one day, but they sold advertising for 24 fucking hours. 0.98

01:36:49.000 How can they do that? 0.99

01:36:51.000 How can they do that?

01:36:52.000 Because they just do it, and then they sit back and wait for you to sue them.

01:36:57.000 And are you going to go...

01:36:59.000 Is this going to be worth it to you to go through that?

01:37:02.000 Because it's only probably 20 bucks anyway.

01:37:05.000 Well, what I learned, unfortunately...

01:37:07.000 The number one commandment of the Ten Commandments, the number one that's broken, I think, is stealing.

01:37:14.000 And as far as stealing, you basically have...

01:37:17.000 You basically have the illegal side of stealing and the legal side of stealing. 0.95

01:37:20.000 So any smart criminal is trying to make his business legit so he doesn't have to hide his fucking money anymore, but he can continue to just rob people fucking blind because that's basically what happens is everybody... 0.95

01:37:33.000 Just like I mean some of the deals that I've signed like for shit like it okay if you audit us But we're only off by like three percent then you have to pay for the audit and it's like you literally just built into this deal a license to steal three percent Plus what I have to catch you with so you to steal nine percent to basically skim like whatever nine percent off of this fucking thing and They and they go to sleep at night, 0.99

01:37:56.000 and they feel they're good people And they don't give a fuck that they're driving a car that, you know, a bunch of other people paid for and they took the money. 0.99

01:38:04.000 They don't give a shit. 0.99

01:38:05.000 Yeah, legal loopholes. 0.99

01:38:06.000 Legal loopholes and fine print.

01:38:09.000 Yeah, it's a dirty world. 0.96

01:38:12.000 Yeah, that's why as far as Trump, like, not reporting his taxes and all that type of shit, it's like, you can only get so mad where it's like, alright, so because he figured out the game, where he's kind of like, well, I'm just robbing... 0.98

01:38:30.000 Right. 0.98

01:38:30.000 Politicians are so underpaid. 0.98

01:38:31.000 They need all these guys' money to get in there.

01:38:34.000 And then when they get in there, they got to hook them up.

01:38:37.000 And they give them these governmental contracts. 0.94

01:38:39.000 And the fact that they're allowed to just fucking overcharge the level they do is just this stealing.

01:38:45.000 So you're giving you like... 0.84

01:38:46.000 Like, I have no problem paying taxes. 0.71

01:38:48.000 What fucking drives me up the wall is knowing that, like, the amount of money... 0.99

01:38:54.000 Like, say you give him fucking 50 grand. 0.99

01:38:56.000 Like, the amount of that money that's actually going to go for the supplies to make a school better, to fill like a fucking pothole. 0.99

01:39:03.000 And then the amount that's just going to go into this guy's... 0.98

01:39:05.000 I want a shiny watch. 0.98

01:39:07.000 My wife needs fake tits fund on the side. 1.00

01:39:10.000 That's what eats me up at night. 0.99

01:39:12.000 Because I, you know...

01:39:15.000 Did you see what Trump did where he filed for re-election five hours after he took office?

01:39:21.000 No one's ever done that before.

01:39:22.000 Everybody files for re-election like a year out from the re-election.

01:39:27.000 He filed for re-election five hours after office.

01:39:30.000 That means when anybody addresses him in any sort of a campaign ad, they have to address him as if they're running against him.

01:39:37.000 What do you mean?

01:39:38.000 Because he's already running for president again.

01:39:40.000 He's running for president in 2008, so he's essentially changed the way they have to address him.

01:39:45.000 So you don't say Mr. President?

01:39:46.000 No, I don't know how it works.

01:39:48.000 Mr. President President?

01:39:49.000 Pull it up and we'll be able to figure out what it means.

01:39:53.000 Figure out what the...

01:39:54.000 Hey, the guy, he's organized.

01:39:56.000 Say what you want about him.

01:39:57.000 The man is organized.

01:39:58.000 Oh, he's definitely organized.

01:39:59.000 I mean, he's been... 0.99

01:40:01.000 Just juking and fucking shucking and jiving in business for a long fucking time. 0.98

01:40:07.000 You know, and he knows how to get his name on things. 0.99

01:40:10.000 You know, I mean, everywhere you go, there's some giant building that's gold and it says Trump on it.

01:40:16.000 Yeah, I think we're going to be all right.

01:40:17.000 We'll be all right, you know.

01:40:18.000 You think so?

01:40:18.000 Well, yeah, I mean, if he's going to...

01:40:20.000 The amount of... 0.93

01:40:21.000 People, he's already fucking annoyed. 0.94

01:40:22.000 You figure the midterm elections come two years in. 1.00

01:40:24.000 He's got his shit where he's going to sprint for fucking two years. 1.00

01:40:28.000 And then I think everybody else is just going to vote for fucking blue ties and blue bras in the fucking next one, right? 1.00

01:40:35.000 You think so? 1.00

01:40:36.000 Yes.

01:40:36.000 I mean, that's what always happens.

01:40:38.000 After fucking eight years of Clinton, then it went red, and then eight years of Bush. 0.99

01:40:42.000 This'll make it better. 0.99

01:40:43.000 Let's go over to Obama. 0.99

01:40:45.000 And after eight years of Obama, let's go back over to fucking, let's go back over to the red side. 0.96

01:40:50.000 I think we would like to see someone who is more in the middle of things, though. 0.95

01:40:55.000 We would really like to see someone who has more maybe libertarian values or someone who's more just not clearly right or clearly left.

01:41:02.000 Somebody a little more secure.

01:41:04.000 His insecurity is what scares me the most.

01:41:08.000 Like tweeting? 1.00

01:41:09.000 No, that shit he said about his daughter and everybody, oh, that was some weird sexual thing. 1.00

01:41:13.000 Like, he's so fucking insecure that people are going to think his daughter is not good-looking that he says what he wants people to say. 1.00

01:41:19.000 And he wasn't thinking, like, context. 0.99

01:41:21.000 Oh, yeah, I date her. 0.90

01:41:22.000 She's the greatest.

01:41:24.000 Everything he says, it's like the same cadence.

01:41:27.000 It's the same three things. 0.99

01:41:28.000 Like, he gets, like, he fucking has time to watch SNL. Right. 0.99

01:41:32.000 Or, like, if somebody, like, an awards show.

01:41:35.000 Like, why are you watching the Golden Globes?

01:41:37.000 Right. 0.99

01:41:38.000 What do you give a fuck what... 1.00

01:41:39.000 Meryl Streep says. 1.00

01:41:40.000 Phoebe, who gives a fuck, says. 1.00

01:41:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:41:43.000 You're the leader of the free world, man. 1.00

01:41:45.000 Fucking... 1.00

01:41:45.000 Not good enough. 1.00

01:41:46.000 Yeah, look out to the ocean and see what's coming at us, man.

01:41:49.000 He wants to be loved.

01:41:51.000 Across the board.

01:41:52.000 By everybody.

01:41:54.000 Yeah, I don't know what it is.

01:41:56.000 What's funny is, but I find him fascinated as far as, like, if you want to be loved, to behave the way he does.

01:42:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:42:04.000 And, you know, really just have that, you know, my way or the highway, just ram it down your throat, shut the fuck up. 0.99

01:42:09.000 It's just this weird, you know, it's weird that you could have that personality and still want to be liked. 0.99

01:42:15.000 It's just like, dude, do you enjoy being treated like that?

01:42:18.000 Then why would you treat other people...

01:42:23.000 This way.

01:42:23.000 I don't know.

01:42:25.000 It's a ram it down their throat.

01:42:26.000 His approach is a... 1.00

01:42:29.000 You like those stupid Hollywood movies where somebody grabs a 2x4? 1.00

01:42:33.000 We're going to clean this town up. 1.00

01:42:34.000 It's just like he's going to hurt a lot of people because a lot of innocent people are going to get caught up in the wash of a very simplistic solution to a huge problem.

01:42:45.000 Let's get rid of all of them, you know?

01:42:49.000 I don't know, but I'm just a comedian. 1.00

01:42:51.000 I don't have the fucking answers. 0.99

01:42:52.000 I just wish... 0.99

01:42:53.000 I don't know.

01:42:55.000 What is this?

01:42:55.000 Jamie, what are you pulling up here?

01:42:56.000 It's about why the things that are brought up when filing early.

01:43:02.000 A candidate for president is subject to different rules than a president is afforded different projections.

01:43:08.000 This has critics on edge and already existing concerns about Trump's business entanglements are now heightened by fears that US nationals could funnel cash to Trump through his campaign committee.

01:43:23.000 Trump's status as a candidate could also make it difficult for nonprofit organizations to take actions for or against Trump and his administration's policies.

01:43:31.000 Tax exemption organizations have more leeway for political action than other nonprofits but are still prohibited from certain political actions, leading some to worry that Trump's filings could be a tactic to reduce opposition.

01:43:47.000 Yeah, because that's legal, that's a great move.

01:43:50.000 Considering what he's done so far, it doesn't make you feel comfortable.

01:43:54.000 I don't know, but we'll survive it.

01:43:56.000 We'll survive it.

01:43:57.000 Anyways, what are you going to do? 0.97

01:43:58.000 It's too fucking depressing. 0.99

01:44:00.000 Can't you just have somebody fucking level-headed? 0.99

01:44:02.000 Who did you want to win? 0.99

01:44:04.000 Oh, God.

01:44:04.000 I liked Bernie Sanders, but I didn't like...

01:44:09.000 I didn't like his entire demonization of anybody who had money was automatic.

01:44:14.000 It was just so simple. 0.99

01:44:15.000 And then everybody who was broke was a fucking hero. 0.99

01:44:17.000 It was just cartoon. 0.99

01:44:20.000 People are way more complex than that.

01:44:22.000 And I don't know, dude. 0.76

01:44:24.000 To be honest with you, it's too fucking big. 0.84

01:44:26.000 I just knew that I didn't like Hillary or I didn't like Trump. 0.91

01:44:30.000 And I was praying to God that those weren't going to be my two... 0.98

01:44:33.000 It was just like two trains fucking on the same track just going, please, don't leave me with these two. 0.99

01:44:40.000 Could you just fucking not? 0.99

01:44:41.000 What did you not like about Hillary? 0.99

01:44:44.000 I just didn't think she was...

01:44:46.000 I didn't trust her. 0.98

01:44:48.000 I just thought she was a big-time phony, and I just felt like she would just fucking do or say, I didn't like the fucking 2008 that she blew the bankers, don't worry, I got you guys, just completely doesn't give a fuck about all the people that are upside down in their houses, and then has the nerve to act like she's the people's candidate, 1.00

01:45:03.000 which is really a sticking point with me with Democrats, is they fucking sit there and they act like they're men and women of the people, and it's like, you guys are all filthy fucking stinking rich, too. 0.99

01:45:13.000 And you guys all end up being multi-millionaires. 0.99

01:45:15.000 And the most highest paying fucking job you can get is the president, which pays 500 grand a fucking year. 0.99

01:45:21.000 Okay? 1.00

01:45:22.000 So you're over 250 grand a year, which means you're going to get the shit taxed out of you. 0.99

01:45:25.000 So how the fuck did you end up being worth 40, 50, 100 million dollars? 0.98

01:45:30.000 There's no way what you're doing is above board. 0.98

01:45:33.000 Every politician crushes it in the private sector.

01:45:36.000 It's insane. 1.00

01:45:37.000 Everyone goes fucking yard. 1.00

01:45:39.000 Nobody starts a business and it shits the bed. 0.99

01:45:42.000 They say the percentage of senators, and they make like, I don't know, like 200 grand a year or something.

01:45:46.000 I forget what it is.

01:45:47.000 And the amount of them that are multi-millionaires.

01:45:50.000 Yeah, the most disturbing thing is public speaking.

01:45:52.000 When you find out that she's speaking for the bankers and she's doing these $250,000 hour-long speeches.

01:45:57.000 And they're washing their bribe money. 0.97

01:45:59.000 It's the people that paid you to get in there, you did what they wanted them to do, and then it's like a comedian, you get to do your college tour, and they grossly fucking over... 0.84

01:46:07.000 I used to do a bit about it. 0.99

01:46:08.000 You're giving a speech, they're not even listening, they're sitting there eating like a fucking deep-fried eagle. 0.99

01:46:12.000 Like that. 1.00

01:46:13.000 I'm not even giving a fuck. 0.99

01:46:15.000 It's so overt. 0.99

01:46:17.000 It's almost like a serial killer that wants to get caught. 1.00

01:46:19.000 So I just felt like she was just going to be more the same of that, preaching this fucking rhetoric as they just keep deregulating shit. 0.99

01:46:27.000 And Trump, I feel like what he wants to do, aside from, you know... 0.99

01:46:31.000 I just think he's at the level rich that he finds the government a nuisance, and he wants to deregulate everything so by the time he leaves, he can put a golf course on top of a pipeline on a fucking, you know, sacred... 0.97

01:46:46.000 Indian reservation. 0.98

01:46:47.000 Yeah, Indian reservation, like a Native American reservation. 0.99

01:46:49.000 I feel like that's what his goals are beyond the bullshit that he's saying. 0.96

01:46:56.000 I think he's going in there, and he finally gets to, like... 0.98

01:46:59.000 You know, adjust the whole mixer.

01:47:02.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:47:02.000 So how the fuck he wants it. 0.98

01:47:04.000 But here's the thing. 1.00

01:47:05.000 He had to win the presidency to do it and the fucking guy did it. 1.00

01:47:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:10.000 And I have to say, the storm watching that guy that he weathered was amazing.

01:47:15.000 Yeah.

01:47:16.000 Yeah, it is.

01:47:17.000 He got the, you know, and that people were so clearly... 0.97

01:47:20.000 I mean, all those fucking late-night shows hated the guy. 0.95

01:47:23.000 They were basically campaigning against him. 0.99

01:47:26.000 I mean, you're old enough now that you saw, like...

01:47:28.000 You've seen in our lifetime, like, people going from, like, you know, who you voted for was really like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, you're getting too personal, to now just people, like, totally, like, overtly...

01:47:37.000 I don't know. 0.96

01:47:39.000 There's so much hypocritical shit, and I'm part of it, too, but, like, I love when people are like, oh, you know, like, you know... 1.00

01:47:45.000 Like I was saying it too, like the fucking celebrity apprentice, the host of that is now president. 1.00

01:47:51.000 But then yet you're watching the Democrat and the Republican National Conventions and there's comedians and actors speaking at them. 0.99

01:47:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:59.000 So it's like, well, what the fuck? 1.00

01:48:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:48:01.000 It's kind of all just... 0.99

01:48:03.000 Yeah.

01:48:04.000 Well, it's always been a real... 0.53

01:48:05.000 And the president does late night talk shows and the people running for it fucking do sketches now on SNL. Like the whole thing has just become like this orgy... 0.98

01:48:14.000 Clusterfuck. 0.98

01:48:15.000 Well, it's a popularity contest, and now they got a person who's actually popular who won it. 0.55

01:48:19.000 I mean, that's really what it is. 0.99

01:48:21.000 All these people before Obama ran for office, nobody knew who the fuck he was. 0.98

01:48:25.000 He wasn't a popular person. 0.97

01:48:27.000 What Donald Trump has managed to do is become a popular guy who won the popularity contest.

01:48:34.000 He was already popular.

01:48:35.000 He was already a huge figure in American culture for decades.

01:48:40.000 Everybody knew who he was.

01:48:42.000 So he's the first guy ever to do it like that.

01:48:45.000 That was the thing they were saying about Arnold, that if Arnold, if there wasn't those rules that were in place to keep Arnold from running for president because he was born in Austria, that he could have done it.

01:48:54.000 Right.

01:48:55.000 You know, I mean, and it's kind of the same thing.

01:48:57.000 He might have.

01:48:57.000 I thought that the changing in politics was when Clinton played the saxophone on Arsenio Hall.

01:49:02.000 Yeah. 0.91

01:49:02.000 That was like the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan show for politicians, going like, wait a minute, I don't have to fucking talk policy, I just have to do something cool. 0.91

01:49:12.000 He had the sunglasses on and everybody was like, this guy's cool, man!

01:49:16.000 Yeah, he was one of the first. 0.97

01:49:17.000 That's right, he had those Ray-Bans on, like fucking Tom Cruise, he had those Wayfarers. 0.99

01:49:21.000 Yeah, and he made George Sr. a fucking war hero, become a one-term president. 0.99

01:49:26.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:49:26.000 Well, that was also a little bit of Ron Paul. 0.98

01:49:30.000 Not Ron Paul.

01:49:31.000 Ross Perot.

01:49:32.000 Ross Perot, yeah.

01:49:33.000 Ross Perot kind of threw the monkey wrench into the gears in that election.

01:49:38.000 Remember that? 0.91

01:49:39.000 That's one of the craziest guys. 0.99

01:49:41.000 He took fucking full half-hour and hour-long spots on television. 1.00

01:49:46.000 Just bought a TV station. 0.99

01:49:48.000 Just bought NBC for an hour and explained the tax problem in this country.

01:49:52.000 Explained where your money goes.

01:49:53.000 He made more sense than Bush or Clinton did.

01:49:57.000 But the thing is, you can't get people to vote for them because they worry that they're throwing their vote away.

01:50:01.000 I don't believe that.

01:50:02.000 I think you're encouraging more people like that.

01:50:04.000 Well, you remember what happened with him.

01:50:06.000 He pulled out of the election. 1.00

01:50:08.000 How did it go down this fucking road? 1.00

01:50:09.000 What are we doing? 1.00

01:50:10.000 You're right.

01:50:10.000 We should stop.

01:50:11.000 It's becoming like meet the press with two people who...

01:50:13.000 It's depressing! 1.00

01:50:16.000 Depressing we don't know shit. 0.99

01:50:17.000 Yeah, we really half-ass know what we're talking about. 0.99

01:50:19.000 So I'm going to somehow try to go on the road and not talk about this shit because I think people are sick of it, which really fucking kills me trying to promote my specials. 0.99

01:50:27.000 We just went down the rabbit hole for a fucking half hour. 0.99

01:50:29.000 I'm going to try to get away from it because I think people are going to need a break. 0.99

01:50:32.000 They definitely need a break.

01:50:33.000 You can see it in their face when someone brings up Trump on stage.

01:50:36.000 You can see it. 0.97

01:50:37.000 Unless you have a really unique point of view or you're just being silly about the whole thing. 0.97

01:50:41.000 You know?

01:50:42.000 I've seen people take that hard left stance on stage and it's just depressing.

01:50:48.000 You know?

01:50:49.000 I don't know.

01:50:51.000 Women's March material.

01:50:53.000 Got any of that?

01:50:54.000 No.

01:50:55.000 I did it last night on Conan.

01:50:56.000 I just burned it.

01:50:57.000 Did you?

01:50:57.000 I was making fun of Madonna.

01:51:00.000 Just saying how great she is at self-promotion.

01:51:03.000 How she was working her back catalog.

01:51:05.000 So I should finally get songs.

01:51:06.000 Did she wear a beret?

01:51:07.000 Like, ooh, I'm protesting. 0.99

01:51:09.000 So I just started doing shit like, you know... 0.98

01:51:11.000 He wants to put a wall up between here and Mexico. 0.99

01:51:13.000 In my world, there are no borders.

01:51:16.000 Borderline.

01:51:17.000 He's like, I'm going.

01:51:19.000 You can download this on iTunes.

01:51:28.000 Yeah, I don't know. 0.99

01:51:28.000 I like when people do shit, because I'm full of shit, so I like hypocritical behavior. 0.99

01:51:32.000 But I'm excited to get back out on the road, and I hope people see my special. 1.00

01:51:37.000 I'm going to have to bounce out of here, because I've got to get my affairs in order, now that I'm a dad.

01:51:41.000 Yeah, you've got affairs.

01:51:43.000 Yeah, get my affairs in order.

01:51:45.000 Don't leave here without taking some elk.

01:51:46.000 I got some elk for you.

01:51:47.000 Oh, great.

01:51:48.000 Absolutely.

01:51:49.000 And when are you going to take me on a helicopter ride?

01:51:51.000 We got to do that.

01:51:52.000 Dude, I haven't flown since the beginning of November, so I got to...

01:51:55.000 I can do...

01:51:56.000 Well, let's do a gig somewhere, and we'll fly.

01:51:59.000 All right.

01:52:00.000 I'm bringing an instructor, though.

01:52:02.000 Okay.

01:52:03.000 I'm not taking out the great Joe Romy.

01:52:04.000 Yeah, don't kill me.

01:52:05.000 Yeah, no.

01:52:05.000 I'll bring an instructor.

01:52:06.000 We'll go fly up there, and it's great.

01:52:08.000 We'll go up in the 44th.

01:52:08.000 Let's do a weird gig, like Bakersfield or something.

01:52:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:52:13.000 Bakersfield's great.

01:52:14.000 Yeah.

01:52:15.000 Do you do Bakersfield?

01:52:16.000 Yeah.

01:52:16.000 Really?

01:52:16.000 I flew up to Bakersfield.

01:52:17.000 I had a good time. 0.99

01:52:18.000 Well, let's fucking... 0.99

01:52:19.000 That's it. 1.00

01:52:19.000 Let's lock some in. 1.00

01:52:20.000 Let's do it.

01:52:20.000 All right, I'll pick you up at Burbank.

01:52:23.000 Let's do it. 0.99

01:52:23.000 We'll just fucking take... 0.99

01:52:24.000 You want to do that? 0.99

01:52:25.000 Yes. 0.99

01:52:25.000 Let's fucking do that. 0.99

01:52:26.000 Yeah, let's book something, man. 0.99

01:52:27.000 Good, because I don't feel like I got a strong hour right now.

01:52:29.000 I'm opening.

01:52:30.000 Beautiful.

01:52:30.000 Let's do it.

01:52:31.000 Let's make it happen.

01:52:32.000 Where's your hour at right now? 0.95

01:52:34.000 I'm 40-plus minutes strong, and then I can bullshit for half an hour on top of that. 0.91

01:52:39.000 We'll do the walking wounded show.

01:52:42.000 We'll fly up, dude. 1.00

01:52:44.000 It'll be the shit. 0.99

01:52:44.000 Yeah, let's do it. 0.99

01:52:45.000 Let's do it.

01:52:46.000 Okay, cool.

01:52:46.000 Okay, we'll book something.

01:52:47.000 All right, that's a done deal.

01:52:48.000 All right, see, we got out of politics.

01:52:50.000 We came to a positive place.

01:52:51.000 We got out of politics.

01:52:51.000 I'm sorry.

01:52:52.000 I'm not bringing this up anymore, ladies and gentlemen.

01:52:54.000 I just wanted to see if you had a take on it that was different than my take.

01:52:57.000 I'm as tired of it as you are.

01:52:59.000 Gary Vaynerchuk, tonight, 8 p.m., that'll be the next podcast, and then we'll see you tomorrow.

01:53:04.000 It's depressing, but as individuals, we can be respectful to one another.

01:53:08.000 Yes.

01:53:09.000 Try to be a better person.

01:53:10.000 Yes.

01:53:10.000 All right?

01:53:11.000 We're ending on a positive note, ladies and gentlemen.

01:53:13.000 There we go.

01:53:14.000 And then tomorrow, Alex Jones, episode 9-11.

01:53:16.000 See ya.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 31, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #909 - Bill Burr

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