The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #927 - Tom Papa

00:00:12.000 Jamie was giving us the almost double gun finger, not yes.

00:00:17.000 Three, two, one.

00:00:20.000 Tom Papa sans glasses.

00:00:21.000 You got a new look right now, buddy. 1.00

00:00:23.000 You just said fuck it. 1.00

00:00:24.000 Well, they're... 1.00

00:00:25.000 Reading glasses?

00:00:27.000 Dirty.

00:00:27.000 They're dirty?

00:00:28.000 No, they're progressives. 0.98

00:00:30.000 What's that mean?

00:00:31.000 That means the top...

00:00:32.000 Oh, like bipocals?

00:00:34.000 Yes, three levels.

00:00:35.000 Oh.

00:00:36.000 Far, medium...

00:00:37.000 Reading. 1.00

00:00:38.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

00:00:39.000 When are they going to fix that? 1.00

00:00:40.000 It's pretty good.

00:00:41.000 Fix what, your eyes?

00:00:42.000 Yeah.

00:00:43.000 I only have reading glasses that I've worn over the last few years.

00:00:47.000 Like two or three years.

00:00:49.000 I think I hit like 46. And that's when it just started going, eee.

00:00:53.000 Like I'd look at my phone like, hey, why does that look like shit? 0.99

00:00:57.000 It really is bad. 0.99

00:00:58.000 And then Adam Carolla did my podcast and he left some glasses over.

00:01:02.000 He left reading glasses.

00:01:03.000 And I picked up his reading glasses and I put them on. 1.00

00:01:05.000 I went, fuck! 1.00

00:01:06.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:01:06.000 I can see! 1.00

00:01:07.000 I can fucking see clear now! 1.00

00:01:10.000 Shit! 1.00

00:01:10.000 I know, it's really frustrating. 1.00

00:01:12.000 Oh, dude, it's weird.

00:01:13.000 And I can't wear contacts because I have a scar on this eyeball.

00:01:16.000 Whoa.

00:01:17.000 From, uh, I don't know what.

00:01:19.000 The only thing I can think of is, he said it was something as a child.

00:01:23.000 There was a pillow fight I had with my friend Keith in like third grade, and I remember him hitting me in an open eye and just being down for a while.

00:01:32.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:01:32.000 But just as kids, you know, you're like, ow, that hurt! 0.71

00:01:35.000 Right, but you developed a scar there.

00:01:36.000 It's the only thing I could...

00:01:37.000 So yeah, there's a scar on the outer layer of my eyeball.

00:01:41.000 Can they do something about that?

00:01:42.000 Can they like...

00:01:42.000 No.

00:01:43.000 I mean, you can start messing with it, but this guy is a really good eye doctor, and he's like, don't mess with it if you don't have to.

00:01:49.000 But if I look through that eye, it's a little cloudy always, even with the glasses.

00:01:56.000 So this one, because of the little bumpy scar, I can't put a contact on it, so I go with the glasses.

00:02:03.000 But you say it's a new look when I don't have glasses on.

00:02:06.000 I just had these glasses for like two years.

00:02:09.000 Hmm.

00:02:10.000 But everyone I've...

00:02:11.000 You get used to people wearing glasses.

00:02:13.000 Is that funny?

00:02:14.000 Like Greg Fitzsimmons wears glasses and sometimes he doesn't wear glasses.

00:02:17.000 And I'm like, oh, hey, man.

00:02:19.000 What do you like better?

00:02:21.000 What's Tom Papa to you?

00:02:22.000 I just like you, buddy.

00:02:24.000 Aww.

00:02:26.000 I don't really care if you wear glasses.

00:02:28.000 But glasses are the odd thing that makes girls sexy. 1.00

00:02:31.000 There's something about a girl wearing glasses that's kind of sexy.

00:02:34.000 Yeah, it worked in every 80s movie.

00:02:36.000 It's always like girls with their hair pulled up, with a tight blouse, and a skirt dropping off papers. 0.97

00:02:42.000 Why is that?

00:02:43.000 I don't know.

00:02:44.000 A smart girl is sexy. 1.00

00:02:46.000 Yeah, for sure, right? 0.96

00:02:48.000 But then she, at the end of the movie, takes it off and gets all slutty and lets her hair down. 1.00

00:02:51.000 Yeah.

00:02:51.000 Is it like an alternative thing?

00:02:53.000 Is that like what it is?

00:02:54.000 Like you see the girl with the glasses and you're like, oh, she's different.

00:02:58.000 She's out there reading and she's focused.

00:03:01.000 Yeah, she's got her act together. 1.00

00:03:03.000 She'll know I'm full of shit. 1.00

00:03:06.000 She'll be able to see my flaws. 1.00

00:03:08.000 Maybe she can help me.

00:03:10.000 She'll know if I really read those books.

00:03:12.000 I don't know if...

00:03:13.000 You think it's the same for kids now, though?

00:03:15.000 Because there's so many weird-looking kids now.

00:03:17.000 Like, when we were young, it was, like, the glasses girl or, like, the blonde girl, the cheerleader girl.

00:03:22.000 Now everything's so mushed together.

00:03:24.000 You mean, like, what is attractive?

00:03:26.000 Just, like, the classifications of people.

00:03:28.000 We had, like, teams that you were a part of.

00:03:30.000 Right.

00:03:30.000 You were, like, the jock or the nerd or the burnout.

00:03:34.000 I was a jock and a class clown. 0.99

00:03:39.000 Ah, you were a class clown. 0.99

00:03:40.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:03:41.000 What were you jock in?

00:03:42.000 I was jock, but I had a lot of friends because I was a class clown, so I wasn't a douchey jock.

00:03:49.000 Right.

00:03:49.000 You just liked sports.

00:03:50.000 Yeah, I played football from kindergarten until I graduated.

00:03:55.000 And then I was the captain, I was all league. 1.00

00:03:59.000 No shit. 0.99

00:04:00.000 I didn't notice about you, Tom Papa. 1.00

00:04:01.000 Yeah!

00:04:01.000 I was a fullback.

00:04:03.000 How many head collisions did you have?

00:04:05.000 Tons.

00:04:06.000 How's your head?

00:04:07.000 Fine.

00:04:08.000 Really?

00:04:09.000 Yeah.

00:04:09.000 I mean, it all depends who you're playing against.

00:04:12.000 You know what I mean?

00:04:12.000 Like, we were a white suburban school running into other white suburban kids that were going like this.

00:04:20.000 We played in a scrimmage, Passaic.

00:04:24.000 Versace, New Jersey.

00:04:25.000 It's like one of the big cities, you know?

00:04:27.000 And they had Ironhead Hayward.

00:04:30.000 Remember that guy?

00:04:31.000 He went pro.

00:04:35.000 Big, giant man-sized black man from Passaic. 0.70

00:04:39.000 And we scattered like deer. 0.98

00:04:44.000 We saw him coming after our all-white league, and then not just a black guy, but an ultimate gigantic black guy. 0.99

00:04:52.000 Jesus Christ! 0.99

00:04:53.000 Oh my God, look at the size of that guy.

00:04:55.000 When you see him, especially with football pads on, the shoulder pads, you're like, oh my God.

00:05:00.000 How big is that guy?

00:05:02.000 They would just hand him the ball and just tell him to run straight.

00:05:05.000 Yeah, what are you going to do about that?

00:05:07.000 That's so not fair.

00:05:08.000 That's why I think fighting is so much safer, because there's weight classes.

00:05:12.000 Yeah, right.

00:05:13.000 Like, a dude like me and a guy like that should never be involved in an altercation.

00:05:17.000 No, no way!

00:05:18.000 That's just not fair.

00:05:20.000 How big is he?

00:05:20.000 No.

00:05:21.000 He's only 5'11", 265. Jesus Christ.

00:05:25.000 So thick. 0.97

00:05:25.000 He's a tank. 0.97

00:05:26.000 From his back to his front on the side was probably six feet.

00:05:30.000 You know how thick you have to be to be 5'11", 265?

00:05:32.000 That's what Mark Hunt is.

00:05:34.000 Mark Hunt, the kickboxer who fights in the UFC, he's so thick.

00:05:37.000 He's like 5'10", 5'11", 265. Just fucking massive. 0.99

00:05:42.000 That's massive. 0.99

00:05:43.000 Samoan, though.

00:05:44.000 Wow.

00:05:44.000 He's the super Samoan.

00:05:46.000 Like, Samoans, in general, are really powerful people.

00:05:49.000 They're just a thick people.

00:05:51.000 They are a durable, powerful race of people.

00:05:54.000 It's amazing.

00:05:55.000 Because you need to think about it.

00:05:56.000 Those people, the Polynesians and, you know, those island folk, they were traveling in canoes back and forth across the oceans.

00:06:04.000 It probably required severe physical strength, right? 0.98

00:06:08.000 But when you see Polynesians, Hawaiians, a lot of them, they're fucking stout people. 1.00

00:06:14.000 Big time. 1.00

00:06:15.000 Meaty.

00:06:16.000 But athletic meaty, like solid. 1.00

00:06:20.000 Built fucking powerful. 0.99

00:06:22.000 But they're big down low, too. 0.99

00:06:24.000 So when you're in a canoe, you're just all upper body.

00:06:27.000 Yeah, but they gotta carry those canoes, too, man.

00:06:29.000 You gotta carry stuff.

00:06:30.000 You're probably packing out your camps and running up hills.

00:06:34.000 Eating coconuts with your feet.

00:06:36.000 Whoa.

00:06:37.000 How would you do that?

00:06:38.000 You hold it up with your feet?

00:06:39.000 Well, Samoans, they were able to hold canoes over their head and then pick up coconuts with their toes as they walked and bite it like an apple. 1.00

00:06:47.000 No, that's not true. 1.00

00:06:49.000 You almost had me, son of a bitch. 1.00

00:06:51.000 I was like, wow, I was going over in my head. 1.00

00:06:53.000 I was doing it like I was mimicking it.

00:06:55.000 Okay, he's got the canoe.

00:06:57.000 Why wouldn't they put the canoe down?

00:06:58.000 I mean, what kind of a hurry are they in that he can't pick up a coconut?

00:07:01.000 The whole thing was so confusing to me.

00:07:03.000 And then when he said bite it like an apple, I'm like, he got me.

00:07:06.000 No, but while I was a kid playing football, I kind of went between groups.

00:07:11.000 But there were the jocks, and the burnouts were the kids getting high in the back, and then there were the band kids.

00:07:18.000 My kids are in school now.

00:07:21.000 Those classifications don't really exist anymore.

00:07:24.000 Yeah.

00:07:25.000 Yeah.

00:07:26.000 They're really mushed together.

00:07:27.000 Do you think there's some jocks still?

00:07:28.000 Like bros and jocks and skaters?

00:07:30.000 Yeah.

00:07:31.000 We're so old.

00:07:31.000 We shouldn't be talking about these kids.

00:07:32.000 They're going to be mad. 1.00

00:07:34.000 They're like, you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about, old man. 0.99

00:07:37.000 Well, I literally, yeah, because, yeah, I don't go to... 0.99

00:07:39.000 I'm not in seventh grade.

00:07:40.000 I got to ask questions.

00:07:41.000 And they don't...

00:07:45.000 Smart girls get high. 1.00

00:07:47.000 Wow.

00:07:49.000 Like bookworm girls get high? 1.00

00:07:50.000 Jocks are in choir.

00:07:52.000 It's more acceptable to be yourself.

00:07:55.000 They grew up in a time when you could be anything and do anything.

00:07:58.000 Is that real?

00:07:58.000 And no one shit on you for trying things.

00:08:00.000 Is that real?

00:08:01.000 It's real.

00:08:02.000 That's amazing if that's true.

00:08:03.000 It's totally true.

00:08:04.000 They have a whole different way of looking at the world.

00:08:08.000 They look at the way we were raised as animals. 1.00

00:08:12.000 Just saying the meanest shit to other people and people just shitting on you for trying anything. 1.00

00:08:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:08:19.000 They look at that like it's cavemen times.

00:08:22.000 They're like, you would call someone fat?

00:08:25.000 Wow. 1.00

00:08:26.000 You would call someone retarded or gay? 0.89

00:08:28.000 I mean, all that stuff is, you know, it's a lot of word speak conversation, but it's manifested itself into the way these kids were raised and they're sweeter and kinder.

00:08:36.000 Wow, that's interesting.

00:08:38.000 Yeah.

00:08:38.000 That's so fascinating.

00:08:40.000 I know.

00:08:40.000 It's so fascinating to see, like, real cultural evolution.

00:08:43.000 Because if you go back, you know, to the beginning of the 20th century and those poor people that were surviving through the Depression.

00:08:51.000 And you ever read any books on the Depression?

00:08:53.000 Yeah.

00:08:53.000 Grapes of Wrath.

00:08:55.000 There was a book, I think it was called McGurdy.

00:08:58.000 It was by a guy named Bob Burns, who's a famous billiards historian.

00:09:04.000 And he wrote this book about a pool hustler during the Depression that traveled literally by train car like a hobo from town to town and found people to gamble with these bars and they would hustle and pretend they didn't play very well and lose a little bit of money and then win money.

00:09:19.000 You know, that kind of stuff.

00:09:20.000 I like it already, yeah.

00:09:20.000 But it was a really depressing book, man.

00:09:22.000 Oh, really?

00:09:23.000 Yeah.

00:09:24.000 People were suffering?

00:09:25.000 People were suffering, and there was this one story where he was literally knocking on this guy's house, begging for food.

00:09:32.000 And the guy brought him out some sausage.

00:09:35.000 And they had a soup together, and he was just describing the food that this guy had given him, and how wonderful it was, and how amazing it was in that moment.

00:09:45.000 He was literally dying.

00:09:47.000 His body was giving out from hunger.

00:09:49.000 God.

00:09:49.000 In America.

00:09:50.000 In America?

00:09:51.000 In 1929-30.

00:09:54.000 Is that when the depression was officially?

00:09:56.000 Yeah, the stock market crash was 29. It's so scary that the stock market is a real thing.

00:10:01.000 Like, I was trying to explain this to someone, like, what my frustration with it is.

00:10:05.000 Because I was like, okay, just look at it this way. 1.00

00:10:08.000 And I don't know, if you're a financial person, you're like, oh my god, you're so stupid. 1.00

00:10:12.000 You really think it works that way? 1.00

00:10:14.000 But this is what I'm saying.

00:10:15.000 If you look at the world...

00:10:18.000 And you look at all the people.

00:10:19.000 The number of people stays constant.

00:10:21.000 The resources stay constant.

00:10:23.000 There's kind of the same amount of metal.

00:10:25.000 There's the same amount of silicon.

00:10:27.000 There's the same amount of all the different materials we use to make things.

00:10:31.000 The same countries are in place. 0.55

00:10:33.000 The money's the same. 0.98

00:10:34.000 What the fuck happened that all of a sudden everything's terrible? 0.98

00:10:38.000 You have this state where you have prosperity. 0.99

00:10:43.000 Everything's wonderful.

00:10:44.000 People are doing great.

00:10:45.000 Then the stock market crashes. 0.98

00:10:48.000 And when the stock market crashes, all these people lose their jobs, and mortgage rates get fucked, and everybody's fucked, and there's just this terrible period of fear. 0.97

00:10:59.000 But meanwhile, the earth is the same. 0.91

00:11:01.000 It's almost like we create these disasters.

00:11:04.000 We create these...

00:11:07.000 These systematic, they're like inside the system that we've created.

00:11:12.000 Well, that's what it is.

00:11:13.000 And it's the system that we've built to survive and be able to trade goods and food and homes and the structure we built to live and be safe from the outside elements on this planet, right?

00:11:28.000 So weird.

00:11:29.000 But that thing has to run and it runs by money and money circulates all that stuff all around all the time.

00:11:36.000 There's still money when all that stuff happens, but it's up here clogged with very select places, and then the rest, the flow, just stopped.

00:11:46.000 There's no more water coming to these tributaries anymore, and everybody goes tanking.

00:11:50.000 Such a goofy system.

00:11:51.000 You know what that feels like? 0.69

00:11:52.000 That feels like someone...

00:11:54.000 We took Windows 95 and just kept upgrading it.

00:11:57.000 Right.

00:11:58.000 And now, here we are in 2017, we don't get a new operating system. 0.99

00:12:03.000 We get a new operating system for a fucking computer, which is not really that goddamn important. 0.99

00:12:08.000 Right. 0.98

00:12:08.000 All in all, if you could choose between a good operating system for life, a much better, more updated operating system for civilization, or whether or not you could get online. 0.98

00:12:19.000 You got online in 95, your shit would work. 0.99

00:12:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:23.000 What are you doing?

00:12:24.000 You're writing emails?

00:12:24.000 You're checking your Twitter?

00:12:25.000 How much time do you take online?

00:12:27.000 It would work fine.

00:12:28.000 As long as the web browser didn't crash, you could go to the websites.

00:12:32.000 It's way more important to have a new operating system for life. 0.99

00:12:36.000 We don't even touch that stupid thing. 1.00

00:12:37.000 You can't. 1.00

00:12:38.000 It's too massive.

00:12:39.000 And what really bothers me, and it's really been on my mind lately, is that you can't escape...

00:12:45.000 The herd.

00:12:46.000 You can't...

00:12:47.000 Right now, like, everything was really crashing in 2008. I mean, that scenario that you're talking about where everything just stopped, like, all the top people were like, the economy is grinding to a halt this afternoon.

00:13:02.000 Yeah.

00:13:03.000 That calamity, right, took everybody's savings and messed it up and all that stuff.

00:13:07.000 So now...

00:13:09.000 Everybody had to go through it.

00:13:27.000 Some people even say it's going to crash worse than 2008 if things go really haywire.

00:13:32.000 My question is, if we know that, how do I get out of the way of the tsunami?

00:13:37.000 Why do I just have to go with everybody else?

00:13:40.000 What can I do with my money where I could be safe from these tides that take everybody? 0.98

00:13:47.000 That's a really good question, but I think the question that overwhelms that question is, why the fuck are we still doing it like this? 0.98

00:13:54.000 That seems to be a better question, because it seems crazy. 0.94

00:13:58.000 Well, how are you going to reboot it?

00:13:59.000 What are you going to do?

00:14:01.000 You're right.

00:14:01.000 I don't know.

00:14:02.000 You're right.

00:14:03.000 I don't have any... 0.99

00:14:04.000 I have fucking zero education in economics. 0.98

00:14:07.000 I know almost nothing about how all that stuff works. 0.99

00:14:10.000 I did a show two weekends ago for these financial people.

00:14:15.000 Really fun show, you know, it's like their private event.

00:14:18.000 I'm talking to them after the show at the bar, meet and greet kind of thing.

00:14:24.000 And some of these guys who are our age, who are just economic guys, they're in finance, they start these conversations.

00:14:34.000 About buying and selling properties and shifting stocks and bonds and all this and what are the bond market doing?

00:14:39.000 It's like they're speaking Chinese.

00:14:42.000 And I felt like a 10-year-old kid.

00:14:44.000 I'm like, this is what the rich people talk about!

00:14:49.000 I wish I understood some of that.

00:14:51.000 You know what I mean?

00:14:52.000 You know what it's like to me?

00:14:53.000 It's like when someone starts bringing up chess moves.

00:14:56.000 We're talking about specific chess games like Kasparov playing some dude.

00:15:00.000 Yeah.

00:15:00.000 And then they start, you know, Rook to King 2 or whatever the numbers are.

00:15:04.000 And I'm like, what?

00:15:04.000 What is he doing?

00:15:05.000 What's happening?

00:15:06.000 And they go seven in.

00:15:07.000 I knew a guy and he went to prison.

00:15:10.000 And when he came out of prison, he had learned to play chess in his head.

00:15:15.000 Oh my God.

00:15:15.000 So he could sit there...

00:15:17.000 And him and this kid, there was this kid who was a really, really interesting guy.

00:15:22.000 He was a really tiny kid that used to come to this pool.

00:15:24.000 He was super smart. 0.99

00:15:25.000 But he was like this little, almost like a fucking honey badger. 0.99

00:15:30.000 Really funny kid, man. 0.99

00:15:31.000 A pool where you would go?

00:15:33.000 Yeah, he would pick fights with people.

00:15:34.000 And he was a tiny little guy.

00:15:35.000 He was so little that people would be like, what is this guy doing? 0.98

00:15:38.000 But anyway, he was super fucking smart. 0.97

00:15:41.000 I guess he just felt like he had to establish his place in the social pecking order because he was so little. 0.96

00:15:48.000 And it was a pool hall.

00:15:49.000 And he was a really smart guy.

00:15:50.000 So I think his strategy was to yell at people.

00:15:53.000 Like one time he yelled at me.

00:15:54.000 Really?

00:15:55.000 What age?

00:15:56.000 Oh man, he was probably like 15 or 16. Wow.

00:15:59.000 And I was, you know, 25. I was like, dude, why are you yelling at me, man?

00:16:03.000 That's funny. 0.98

00:16:04.000 Yeah, like, what are you crazy? 0.97

00:16:05.000 Like, what are you doing? 0.99

00:16:06.000 I had to have a conversation with him.

00:16:07.000 That's weird.

00:16:08.000 I go, dude, I'm not your enemy.

00:16:09.000 We're arguing over a pool game.

00:16:11.000 Right.

00:16:12.000 You know?

00:16:12.000 Yeah, just what's going on.

00:16:14.000 Yeah, don't say you'll take me outside.

00:16:16.000 I go, listen, man, how old are you?

00:16:17.000 And he goes, like, 15. I go, dude, I'm not, I just, listen, I'm not, I'm not your enemy.

00:16:22.000 We're trying to figure out who's right on a foul.

00:16:24.000 You know what a foul is?

00:16:26.000 Fouls whether or not like you're playing pool and maybe your tip touched the ball before it was supposed to and then you try to ignore it and then someone calls you on or the hit is bad like you don't hit the number ball you're supposed to if you're playing nine ball the other guy's supposed to get ball in hand.

00:16:42.000 If it's a competitive thing like a tournament those conversations get pretty emotional.

00:16:47.000 People get really upset like I definitely did not foul.

00:16:49.000 But all of a sudden he was like trying to start a fight.

00:16:51.000 And how tall is he?

00:16:53.000 Not big at all, okay?

00:16:55.000 And this is like right after I just maybe had my last fight.

00:17:00.000 This was a couple of years before that.

00:17:02.000 So I was still kickboxing.

00:17:03.000 I was still training all the time.

00:17:05.000 And I was like, this is the craziest conversation I can't believe I'm having with this little kid.

00:17:09.000 And so I pulled him outside and I go, we just had, you know, just kind of a down-to-earth. 0.99

00:17:13.000 You know, you gotta get respect from these fucking people. 0.99

00:17:17.000 I go, not like that, man. 1.00

00:17:19.000 Someone's gonna hit you.

00:17:22.000 It was a planned thing. 1.00

00:17:23.000 He was a smart fucking kid. 0.99

00:17:25.000 It was cool afterwards because I had this kind of conversation. 0.99

00:17:28.000 He knew that if we ever did have a conversation before, I was never going to go to a bad place.

00:17:33.000 I was just going to talk to him.

00:17:35.000 So it made it a nice thing because he was a wizard.

00:17:38.000 He was a really smart kid.

00:17:40.000 For pool, is that like chess?

00:17:43.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:44.000 It's a big advantage.

00:17:46.000 Yeah, because you're also smart in the execution of your shot.

00:17:49.000 Right.

00:17:49.000 Like one of the things about pool is the execution of your shot should be almost effortless.

00:17:54.000 You rely on your structure.

00:17:56.000 You rely on your stance.

00:17:58.000 You rely on your technique.

00:17:59.000 And it's supposed to be like incredibly gentle. 1.00

00:18:02.000 And smart people can figure that out better than dumb people. 0.99

00:18:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:18:06.000 Just get up there and slam it. 0.99

00:18:07.000 Instead of slamming the ball, instead of using your muscles.

00:18:10.000 Yeah.

00:18:10.000 Instead, they'd stroke the ball where the weight of the cue is kind of doing all the work.

00:18:14.000 The point is this kid was so fucking smart that him and that prison guy would get together and play chess in their head. 0.98

00:18:20.000 Jeez. 1.00

00:18:21.000 And I would sit there like a stupid ape. 1.00

00:18:24.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:18:28.000 I sat there and I just pulled up a stool and I just watched them.

00:18:31.000 They were playing chess.

00:18:32.000 They went through a full game in their head.

00:18:34.000 I was like, this is so crazy.

00:18:36.000 They know where all the pieces are.

00:18:37.000 It's so crazy.

00:18:39.000 That's what it was like with these financial guys.

00:18:41.000 It was like...

00:18:42.000 You know what?

00:18:42.000 They're just smarter.

00:18:44.000 I was never that great in math.

00:18:47.000 My head isn't built for talking about that stuff.

00:18:51.000 They're smarter in that area.

00:18:53.000 That is what it's like.

00:18:54.000 When you hear them talking, it's like knight to rook six.

00:18:56.000 Like, what?

00:18:57.000 Where is that?

00:18:58.000 What's happening?

00:18:58.000 Where's the grid?

00:18:59.000 I don't understand the grid.

00:19:00.000 But it's even more complex. 0.99

00:19:01.000 They're talking about dividends, bonds, and fucking... 0.99

00:19:04.000 I know. 0.99

00:19:05.000 And they can make a lot of money because they just have that knowledge.

00:19:08.000 Sure.

00:19:08.000 And some of them start doing coke.

00:19:10.000 Yeah.

00:19:11.000 And then they get crazy.

00:19:12.000 And leave their families.

00:19:13.000 Oh man, that's a business where people go off the rails.

00:19:16.000 But like, what can you do to protect yourself?

00:19:19.000 Say Trump goes off the rails, and the stock market goes down again, There's nothing you can do right now to prepare yourself for that.

00:19:28.000 You can put your money in cash, but then it's not growing.

00:19:31.000 I think the amount of pressure that guy's under is probably unmanageable.

00:19:36.000 I think very few people can manage that pressure.

00:19:40.000 I think that job's insane.

00:19:42.000 I don't think it should be real.

00:19:43.000 I don't think it should be a job.

00:19:45.000 It should be five people. 0.58

00:19:46.000 It should be a ton of people. 0.86

00:19:48.000 I mean, I don't even think five people's enough.

00:19:50.000 I don't even know, man.

00:19:51.000 I feel like it almost should be all of us.

00:19:54.000 Yeah, well, it's supposed to be.

00:19:56.000 It seems like if you wanted to give your reason, you, Tom Papa, wanted to give your reasons why we shouldn't be engaging in some sort of a military action against North Korea or whatever's next, you'd have to do it.

00:20:08.000 You'd have to write it out or you'd have to record it, right?

00:20:11.000 You'd have to give a coherent reason why you feel that that would be considered.

00:20:16.000 So you'd be like one person.

00:20:18.000 Imagine if there's 350 million of us or whatever the hell it is right now.

00:20:23.000 Everyone having a single opinion, a nuanced, complex, comprehensive opinion on any sort of an action that anything in the government is doing that represents us.

00:20:34.000 That's what the government is.

00:20:35.000 I mean, there's these people, it's boiled down to a few people that are supposed to successfully represent us and all of our ideas, but there's no way they could know what our ideas are.

00:20:45.000 No.

00:20:46.000 But you can come close to being like, okay, my town, if you go to Congress and be like, my state...

00:20:52.000 Really thinks weed should be legal.

00:20:54.000 Yeah.

00:20:54.000 You know, you can get that consensus, you know?

00:20:56.000 Sort of, yeah.

00:20:57.000 Sort of.

00:20:58.000 I don't know how accurately they can do it.

00:20:59.000 Well, it's probably really inaccurate in certain ways.

00:21:03.000 Right.

00:21:03.000 It's just, it seems to me...

00:21:05.000 It is strange, though.

00:21:06.000 I mean, to be that president, to be one guy...

00:21:10.000 It really is a thing about, you know, there is one guy on the top of Virgin or Tesla, but it's their job to run things and have people doing stuff for them.

00:21:24.000 It's almost a job that's more about...

00:21:28.000 Yeah.

00:21:47.000 And if you're, like, a confident older man who's successful, people, like, there's a natural instinct, like an alpha chimpanzee instinct.

00:21:56.000 It's an alpha.

00:21:56.000 It's an alpha thing, you're right.

00:21:57.000 Yeah, it's a total, there's a total instinct to try to acquiesce.

00:22:00.000 And also an instinct to challenge.

00:22:02.000 There's going to be a big instinct to challenge him because of who he is, too.

00:22:06.000 Yeah.

00:22:06.000 And he sees weaknesses and see where he can swipe out his ankle and...

00:22:11.000 It shouldn't exist, folks.

00:22:12.000 This is highlighting what's wrong.

00:22:16.000 And everybody's like, yeah, you don't know anything about politics.

00:22:18.000 And you're right.

00:22:19.000 I don't.

00:22:20.000 I know so little about politics.

00:22:22.000 I don't know a lot about a lot of things.

00:22:25.000 Who does?

00:22:26.000 Nobody does.

00:22:27.000 But I know one thing.

00:22:28.000 I know that I can see patterns and trends.

00:22:32.000 I see them.

00:22:33.000 I'm pretty good at it.

00:22:34.000 And I see a pattern and trend in our communication, in our expression of ideas.

00:22:40.000 It's like what you were talking about with kids today.

00:22:43.000 I'm not surprised by that at all, and I'm excited by it.

00:22:45.000 Because I think that people are more open-minded today.

00:22:48.000 They're way smarter than I was when I was their age.

00:22:51.000 If you talk to an average 10-year-old or 11-year-old, they know so much more about how the world works than I did when I was that age.

00:22:57.000 Just the amount of work they have to do in school is...

00:22:59.000 Yeah.

00:23:00.000 Ten times what we had.

00:23:01.000 But they're still all being trapped by the same system. 0.98

00:23:05.000 They still have the same educational system, which I think is fucking bananas. 0.99

00:23:09.000 That's bananas. 0.99

00:23:09.000 You make kids go to school all day, and then at the end of that, you give them homework? 0.99

00:23:13.000 How about fuck you? 1.00

00:23:15.000 How many hours in a day is there? 1.00

00:23:17.000 You're preparing people for suck. 0.99

00:23:19.000 That's what you're doing. 0.99

00:23:20.000 Yeah.

00:23:20.000 My kids, they're up until 11 o'clock at night doing work.

00:23:24.000 Not hanging out, not screwing around. 1.00

00:23:26.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:23:27.000 Working. 1.00

00:23:27.000 That takes away the rest of your life. 1.00

00:23:29.000 I know.

00:23:30.000 You need life.

00:23:31.000 It's really important.

00:23:33.000 You have to enjoy.

00:23:34.000 Especially when it's a curriculum that...

00:23:38.000 In the public schools that is geared towards a manufacturing middle class.

00:23:43.000 Yeah.

00:23:43.000 Now, they're still learning in that way.

00:23:46.000 Yeah.

00:23:47.000 They're learning like robots.

00:23:48.000 If you want these kids to...

00:23:49.000 They could work so much smarter about more up-to-date teaching methods and things that are going to apply to get jobs going out.

00:23:57.000 Then it's like, alright, spend a little time on that.

00:23:59.000 They're also training people to put their energy into things that don't bring them joy.

00:24:04.000 They're training a certain kind of discipline.

00:24:06.000 A certain kind of morose, dark gray cloud discipline.

00:24:12.000 You're totally right. 0.99

00:24:13.000 Go to the factory, hit with a hammer. 0.99

00:24:16.000 Bang, bang. 1.00

00:24:18.000 Stay alive!

00:24:19.000 In order to stay alive, we have to work.

00:24:22.000 Bang, bang, bang. 1.00

00:24:24.000 Row those fucking boats across the ocean. 1.00

00:24:27.000 And you're a kid like, but wait, I just want to hang out. 1.00

00:24:30.000 But I want a skateboard, man.

00:24:31.000 Tony Hawk makes way more than you do, Dad.

00:24:33.000 I'm so much happier there. 0.98

00:24:34.000 Yeah, I mean, there's so many people that want to do so many things, and they fucking could. 0.95

00:24:38.000 They could. 0.96

00:24:39.000 They could, but as a parent. 1.00

00:24:41.000 Oh, fuck all that. 1.00

00:24:43.000 I mean, I've got two, and one is not into school. 1.00

00:24:49.000 Is not into it.

00:24:50.000 Pull him out.

00:24:51.000 She seems like a comedian.

00:24:54.000 Pull her out.

00:24:55.000 She seems the same.

00:24:57.000 She's funny.

00:24:58.000 She doesn't care about authority. 0.99

00:25:00.000 She's clever.

00:25:01.000 Just not into school.

00:25:03.000 She's probably smart.

00:25:04.000 She sees her dad.

00:25:05.000 She is, but she's...

00:25:06.000 She sees her dad.

00:25:07.000 He's like, this guy doesn't do nothing.

00:25:08.000 I know! 1.00

00:25:09.000 He sits around talking shit about bread. 1.00

00:25:11.000 That's right. 1.00

00:25:12.000 That's exactly it.

00:25:13.000 He's baking bread.

00:25:14.000 He's always smiling.

00:25:16.000 I either see him baking bread or going to a show.

00:25:18.000 I'm Billy's dad.

00:25:19.000 I just had a heart attack.

00:25:21.000 That's true!

00:25:22.000 Billy's dad freaking out. 1.00

00:25:23.000 He works at a fucking financial institution. 1.00

00:25:25.000 Yeah, you don't go to work. 1.00

00:25:26.000 You don't go to this stuff.

00:25:27.000 But as a parent, I can't be like, yeah, just hang out.

00:25:31.000 No, you can't be just hang out, but you can be like, find your groove, find a thing, and then get into it.

00:25:36.000 You know, I think introducing kids to things that they can get into is super important.

00:25:41.000 But what about the school thing?

00:25:42.000 If your kid brings home C's, do you get honor, or do you say...

00:25:47.000 You gotta step it up.

00:25:49.000 There's a real problem.

00:25:50.000 Stepping it up is making her that drone. 1.00

00:25:51.000 Well, there's a real problem.

00:25:53.000 That kind of learning is boring.

00:25:55.000 Listen, I was not into science at school.

00:25:58.000 I can't get enough science as an adult.

00:26:01.000 Right.

00:26:02.000 As an adult, I constantly read Scientific American. 0.99

00:26:06.000 I watch all those science shows on TV about fucking space and astrology. 0.99

00:26:11.000 Because they make it look cool. 0.99

00:26:12.000 It's fascinating.

00:26:13.000 Yeah.

00:26:14.000 The Cosmos, you ever see the Neil deGrasse Tyson series?

00:26:16.000 Oh, the best!

00:26:17.000 I couldn't wait for that thing to come on every week.

00:26:18.000 We celebrated when that came on.

00:26:20.000 Look, science is fascinating.

00:26:22.000 They find these seven new exoplanets that they think can inhabit life.

00:26:26.000 You're like, Jesus!

00:26:26.000 I know, they're like Earth.

00:26:28.000 This is all amazing. 0.99

00:26:28.000 When I was a kid, I could not have given less of a fuck. 0.99

00:26:33.000 I didn't care about any of it. 0.99

00:26:34.000 I was like, boring!

00:26:36.000 Why?

00:26:36.000 Boring teachers, man.

00:26:38.000 Boring teachers.

00:26:39.000 100%.

00:26:39.000 If Neil deGrasse Tyson was my astronomy teacher in high school or taught astrophysics or whatever and taught it the way he teaches things, when he talks about stuff, he gets you so excited about the ideas that he's talking about.

00:26:52.000 Yeah.

00:26:53.000 Because he's intelligent and can explain it in a way that you'll understand and be excited.

00:26:58.000 I think his passion for it's real.

00:27:00.000 He's really excited by it.

00:27:02.000 Here's another thing. 0.98

00:27:03.000 It's almost like it's engineered to be that way, and I don't want to get all fucking crazy Tower 7 on anybody, but if you look at the idea of school itself, why the fuck are they paying those teachers so little? 0.88

00:27:16.000 I mean teachers, they have arguably the most important job in developing your child outside of you. 0.94

00:27:24.000 Yeah.

00:27:24.000 It's you, the parent, and then the teacher.

00:27:26.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:27:27.000 And how many teachers are just kind of barely getting by with a total ceiling on how much money they can make?

00:27:32.000 You're right.

00:27:33.000 Because my science teacher was...

00:27:37.000 He wasn't, like, being paid... 0.93

00:27:39.000 He was a stressed-out, chain-smoking, angry guy in bad, shitty clothes because he couldn't afford anything else. 0.61

00:27:47.000 This guy's life pressures are so huge. 0.96

00:27:49.000 Yeah.

00:27:50.000 He can't be, like...

00:27:51.000 Jazzed about science.

00:27:53.000 He's worried about getting kicked out of his apartment and whether he's got lung cancer from chain smoking.

00:27:59.000 If you did pay this guy, Twice what he was making, he'd be relaxed, he'd be motivated, he'd be into it, he could spend more time putting together his lesson plans.

00:28:07.000 He'd feel appreciated.

00:28:08.000 You know, but if that's what you want to do, like if you want to be a teacher, they go, well, you know how much you're going to get paid.

00:28:13.000 Yeah.

00:28:13.000 But why?

00:28:14.000 It's one of those things where you're getting paid that much because people have decided you're getting paid that much.

00:28:19.000 They decided to only allocate a certain amount of resources towards education.

00:28:22.000 Yeah.

00:28:22.000 But meanwhile, think about how much more money they spend on military.

00:28:25.000 Well, I was just going to say that there's no talk right now about increasing spending for schools.

00:28:31.000 It's probably the most important thing we could do is make less losers, right?

00:28:35.000 Make the schools better.

00:28:36.000 It is the most important thing.

00:28:40.000 But... 0.99

00:28:42.000 Is there an advantage to keeping some part of the population dumb? 0.99

00:28:45.000 Man, that's the big conspiracy theory, right? 0.96

00:28:48.000 But I don't think it's a conspiracy.

00:28:50.000 I think it is just a convenience.

00:28:52.000 I think once people are in a community that's poor, there's no incentive for the wealthy people that are in government or running government to say, let's allocate an inordinate amount of resources to try to rebuild these areas.

00:29:06.000 They don't benefit from that.

00:29:07.000 Or people with money.

00:29:08.000 The only way you can get them to benefit...

00:29:10.000 Nah, I saw that.

00:29:10.000 Chance the Rapper donated a million dollars to the Chicago Public School System.

00:29:14.000 Congratulations to that guy. 0.99

00:29:15.000 That's a fucking awesome human being. 0.99

00:29:17.000 He's a great... 1.00

00:29:17.000 Plus, ballin', if you could donate a million. 1.00

00:29:19.000 Shit, how much did you make, kid? 1.00

00:29:27.000 Hashtag ballin'. 1.00

00:29:28.000 Yeah, man.

00:29:28.000 I just think that it's not necessarily a conspiracy as much as it's just easy to ignore.

00:29:36.000 Those people don't have political influence.

00:29:38.000 And the people making the decisions put their kids in private school and they don't have to worry.

00:29:42.000 Exactly.

00:29:42.000 If everybody had to go to their local public school, I bet things would change.

00:29:46.000 Well, it's worse because you're making things less safe because you're creating more crime, because you're creating more disenfranchised people, and you're creating more of a need to stay in your wealthy communities.

00:29:58.000 Yeah.

00:29:58.000 You know how it is?

00:29:59.000 I mean, it is what it is, but it's something that there's no incentive to change.

00:30:05.000 It's not like there's a giant amount of pressure to look at the same way we look at it.

00:30:09.000 We have to go to Afghanistan and make sure it doesn't fall apart. 0.99

00:30:12.000 I mean, you fucking... 1.00

00:30:13.000 Chicago's falling apart, man. 1.00

00:30:14.000 Like, what are you talking about?

00:30:15.000 It's right there. 0.98

00:30:16.000 Why do you have to go to Afghanistan when you haven't done shit about Detroit? 0.99

00:30:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:30:19.000 Detroit is completely... 0.99

00:30:20.000 There's a lot of fucked up spots in this country where there's dangerous... 0.98

00:30:23.000 Flint still doesn't have good water, right? 0.98

00:30:26.000 Yeah.

00:30:26.000 Is that still going on in Flint, Michigan?

00:30:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:28.000 What in the fuck? 1.00

00:30:29.000 And it's gonna get worse now because they're cutting out the... 1.00

00:30:31.000 They're abolishing the clean water. 0.91

00:30:34.000 So it's going to get worse.

00:30:36.000 What's going to happen...

00:30:38.000 Look, we all are nervous about a lot of different things.

00:30:40.000 My only focus is the environment and what's going on with that because that I care the most about and I don't like my kids to be sick.

00:30:51.000 It's also something you can't pull back.

00:30:53.000 They're reversing everything.

00:30:55.000 They're reversing everything.

00:30:58.000 Emissions on cars.

00:30:59.000 They're going to come to California.

00:31:01.000 Who has the most advanced emissions controls and it's working.

00:31:06.000 They're going to force California to lessen the emissions restrictions the way that the rest of the country is and they're going to go back like 20 years.

00:31:15.000 They're changing emissions.

00:31:17.000 You know what they're doing?

00:31:18.000 They're not funding...

00:31:21.000 Satellites that keep track of climate change.

00:31:26.000 They're going to cut off the information so you don't complain when Miami's underwater.

00:31:33.000 They're putting waste back in the waters.

00:31:36.000 They're taking all the regulations off. 0.97

00:31:40.000 The head of the EPA is the guy who sued the shit out of the EPA. Hates the EPA. They're tearing it all down. 0.99

00:31:48.000 Can I ask you a question, Tom Pompa?

00:31:50.000 Drilling for gas in Yellowstone.

00:31:54.000 You want to see that?

00:31:55.000 This is where they're opening the door for all of this.

00:31:59.000 Just...

00:31:59.000 Yes, you can ask me a question.

00:32:00.000 Are you a cuck? 0.99

00:32:02.000 What? 0.99

00:32:03.000 Do you know what that means?

00:32:04.000 No.

00:32:07.000 People who are anti-Trump when you are... 0.89

00:32:10.000 Oh, that's a cuck? 0.88

00:32:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:12.000 No, my only focus is what's going to happen with the environment.

00:32:15.000 It's also like...

00:32:16.000 It sounds more like a...

00:32:17.000 Goddammit, what is the official definition again? 1.00

00:32:19.000 It used to be cuckold, based on cuckold, which is like a man who likes watching other men fuck his wife. 1.00

00:32:25.000 Because there's a whole level of porn. 0.99

00:32:28.000 And then, what's the official definition now?

00:32:30.000 It was confusing to us, but it's sort of a political thing.

00:32:33.000 It's sort of like pretending you're progressive when you're not.

00:32:36.000 New one, I guess.

00:32:36.000 Oh, there's a new one.

00:32:37.000 An insult that reveals sexual insecurity, misogyny, and fear of those who use the term. 0.99

00:32:46.000 Oh, that's so ridiculous. 1.00

00:32:48.000 Oh, that's so ridiculous. 0.99

00:32:53.000 In GQ magazine, what does cuck mean? 0.99

00:32:55.000 Why are you being called one? 1.00

00:32:57.000 A weak, feckless, spineless, and decidedly pathetic specimen of manliness. 1.00

00:33:02.000 It's a derivative of the term cuck. 1.00

00:33:04.000 Okay, so that makes sense.

00:33:05.000 Cuckold. 0.99

00:33:05.000 Angry white people. 0.99

00:33:06.000 Why angry white people? 1.00

00:33:08.000 Love calling people cucks. 1.00

00:33:10.000 Angry with white men. 0.99

00:33:12.000 It's funny. 0.92

00:33:12.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.92

00:33:14.000 It's a fun word to call people.

00:33:16.000 It is pretty funny.

00:33:17.000 It was insulting when you said it.

00:33:19.000 Really?

00:33:19.000 Yeah, it felt like, no, I don't think I am.

00:33:20.000 Well, you know what?

00:33:21.000 You can still say it on the news. 1.00

00:33:22.000 It's just like, fuck, but it's with a C, and you can still say it. 1.00

00:33:26.000 Well, he's a cuck. 1.00

00:33:27.000 That's the real problem. 0.96

00:33:29.000 And the newscaster would be like, we'll be right back with the weather.

00:33:32.000 They don't even know what to say.

00:33:34.000 You just say it right there.

00:33:35.000 You can even say the word cuckold. 0.99

00:33:37.000 Cuck you. 0.99

00:33:37.000 And he loves cuckold erotica. 0.99

00:33:39.000 You could probably say that on regular TV and they would not be able to do anything about it.

00:33:43.000 Wow.

00:33:43.000 They'd be stuck.

00:33:44.000 And you've just painted a ruthless image in their mind of some poor sobbing man by some fucking dude that looks like Ironhead is laying pipe to the lady. 0.99

00:33:53.000 They take you off to the green room. 0.99

00:33:55.000 Look, we know you can say it.

00:33:57.000 Can you just not?

00:33:58.000 Just stop saying it.

00:34:00.000 Those people need to stop. 0.97

00:34:01.000 All those people that tell you, we know you can, but you shouldn't.

00:34:05.000 Yeah.

00:34:05.000 Don't say that word.

00:34:06.000 Just don't. 1.00

00:34:07.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:34:08.000 Fuck you and your magic words. 1.00

00:34:11.000 What are you, a child? 1.00

00:34:13.000 There's certain words you can't say.

00:34:15.000 That is another thing that has to go.

00:34:16.000 And it's being more and more highlighted by the internet.

00:34:19.000 It's why you're seeing in television shows, like if you watch The Walking Dead, you'll see a lot of random use of swears.

00:34:26.000 Right.

00:34:26.000 You know, and you'll hear random use of swears on other shows.

00:34:28.000 Yeah, on Cable.

00:34:29.000 Yeah, on Cable. 1.00

00:34:30.000 People say shit during their TV sets on Conan. 1.00

00:34:32.000 Shit, yes. 1.00

00:34:33.000 Shit is okay. 1.00

00:34:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:34:34.000 We've changed it. 0.99

00:34:36.000 Right. 1.00

00:34:36.000 But you still can't say fuck. 1.00

00:34:38.000 Right. 1.00

00:34:39.000 If you watch like Walking Dead, I don't think they ever say fuck. 0.99

00:34:41.000 I'm pretty sure. 0.99

00:34:42.000 No.

00:34:42.000 See if they do.

00:34:43.000 I don't think so. 1.00

00:34:43.000 I'm pretty sure they just say shit and asshole and they can say tits and... 1.00

00:34:47.000 My last Colbert, which I did in December-ish, they said I couldn't say fly open one ball out. 1.00

00:34:56.000 Hmm. 0.97

00:34:57.000 I could say fly open one testicle out. 0.99

00:34:59.000 Hmm. 0.99

00:35:00.000 Or I could say fly open everything out.

00:35:04.000 But couldn't say one ball.

00:35:06.000 Doug Stanhope came up with an idea when we were doing our version of The Man Show that was a big fat failure.

00:35:13.000 Doug came up with this idea to do a game show where a dude had a box over his private areas and a light would go off. 0.92

00:35:26.000 Whenever you had an erection. 0.80

00:35:29.000 There was a red light. 0.96

00:35:31.000 We controlled the light, obviously.

00:35:32.000 So it'd be like dwarves eating bananas, light goes off. 0.99

00:35:37.000 Guy's hairy ass, light goes off. 0.99

00:35:40.000 And they told us, Doug's name for the show was Make Me Hard. 0.99

00:35:46.000 And they told us we couldn't have it called Make Me Hard.

00:35:49.000 We had to change it to Make Me Stiff.

00:35:51.000 Right.

00:35:52.000 And we were like, what?

00:35:53.000 What?

00:35:53.000 And they're like, hard is just too, it's just not the right word.

00:35:57.000 We think make me stiff.

00:35:57.000 And there's these two ladies that we're talking to that have nothing to do with comedy.

00:36:01.000 Right.

00:36:01.000 Like, literally nothing.

00:36:02.000 Like, how is that?

00:36:03.000 Stiff is actually more offensive.

00:36:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:06.000 It's like, it sounds like a really dumb person. 0.99

00:36:08.000 Hey, I got a stiffy over here. 1.00

00:36:10.000 Ready to stick my fucking stiffy in you. 1.00

00:36:13.000 It's disgusting. 1.00

00:36:16.000 So when we were doing this, this light, obviously, we controlled.

00:36:21.000 So we played this game show.

00:36:22.000 So we couldn't call it Make Me Hard.

00:36:24.000 We had to change it to Make Me Stiff.

00:36:25.000 We lost the argument. 1.00

00:36:26.000 It was the stupidest fucking argument. 1.00

00:36:27.000 And it was so indicative of how frustrating those shows can be. 1.00

00:36:30.000 We have all these fucking chefs in the kitchen. 1.00

00:36:33.000 I just think it would be better if he was wearing blue underwear. 1.00

00:36:36.000 I just think it would look better.

00:36:37.000 It would look better! 1.00

00:36:39.000 So the guy's lying there, and we have this woman come out, and she's got these big juicy tits, and he's sucking on them, and she's climbing on them, and everybody's going, ooh! 1.00

00:36:50.000 And they put... 1.00

00:36:52.000 Whipped cream on her tits and he's sucking the whipped cream off her nipples and he was like heavy duty stuff. 1.00

00:36:57.000 Then she pulls her pants down and she's got a dick. 1.00

00:37:00.000 Not only does she have a dick, she has a dick that looks like it had been poisoned. 1.00

00:37:05.000 You know? 1.00

00:37:06.000 Because she's a transvestite or transsexual rather. 0.99

00:37:11.000 What do you mean? 0.94

00:37:12.000 Like all bubbly?

00:37:12.000 She's a woman.

00:37:13.000 Why do you look like poisoned? 1.00

00:37:15.000 Because the estrogen had killed the dick. 1.00

00:37:17.000 Oh no. 1.00

00:37:18.000 It was dark and it was...

00:37:20.000 Like a crispy french fry you get at Jerry's Deli.

00:37:22.000 Oh no!

00:37:24.000 Oh no.

00:37:26.000 But that was okay.

00:37:27.000 That was alright.

00:37:29.000 To show all that.

00:37:29.000 All that was okay.

00:37:30.000 Yeah, I mean, we had to blur the dick. 0.99

00:37:31.000 Right. 0.99

00:37:32.000 But that was okay.

00:37:33.000 Yeah.

00:37:33.000 You just can't use the word hard.

00:37:34.000 So weird. 1.00

00:37:35.000 So stupid. 1.00

00:37:37.000 So weird. 1.00

00:37:38.000 Hard's a bad word.

00:37:39.000 It's hard a bad word. 1.00

00:37:41.000 Fuck off. 1.00

00:37:42.000 Testicle sounded worse than ball to me. 1.00

00:37:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:44.000 One testicle out? 0.99

00:37:46.000 Yeah, testicle sounds... 0.99

00:37:47.000 What about half a sack? 0.99

00:37:48.000 Ball's kind of fun.

00:37:49.000 Half sack?

00:37:50.000 Half sack.

00:37:50.000 Heck out.

00:37:52.000 Negan said fuck a few times in that scene where he was... 1.00

00:37:56.000 That bat scene, I guess. 1.00

00:37:57.000 Oh, did he?

00:37:58.000 There's an uncensored version where he says it like 23 times.

00:37:59.000 An uncensored version.

00:38:00.000 I didn't see the real version, so...

00:38:02.000 That was the scene that made me stop watching that show.

00:38:04.000 I was like, that's it.

00:38:06.000 What am I watching?

00:38:07.000 I'm watching a torture show.

00:38:08.000 This isn't a fun show anymore.

00:38:10.000 This isn't a show where people are trying to get away from zombies.

00:38:12.000 Right.

00:38:14.000 The zombies are inconsequential.

00:38:15.000 You can push them aside now.

00:38:16.000 They used to eat horses raw.

00:38:18.000 They used to tear a horse apart.

00:38:19.000 Right.

00:38:19.000 Now you can just kind of trip them and push them.

00:38:21.000 Oh, really?

00:38:22.000 Is that what it's devolved to? 1.00

00:38:23.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:38:24.000 Nobody gets killed by zombies. 1.00

00:38:25.000 Everybody gets killed by each other. 1.00

00:38:27.000 I was like, this is so stupid. 1.00

00:38:29.000 It's been on a long time. 1.00

00:38:30.000 That's enough.

00:38:31.000 Yeah.

00:38:31.000 That's enough.

00:38:32.000 I think I watched one season.

00:38:33.000 Yeah, I just can't...

00:38:35.000 If it was like 28 Days Later Zombies, I think it'd be way better. 0.97

00:38:39.000 I think there's something about the fact these zombies are so fucking slow, and they never seem to starve to death. 0.97

00:38:46.000 Like, explain to me how they're still going. 0.99

00:38:49.000 Don't they eat brains? 1.00

00:38:50.000 But there's no one to eat. 0.99

00:38:51.000 They're all zombies. 0.99

00:38:52.000 They don't eat each other, which is bizarre as fuck. 0.98

00:38:54.000 What do you have, like, zombie rules? 0.99

00:38:56.000 Where you can't cannibalize each other? 0.98

00:38:58.000 How come you fucks are running around looking for people that are moving? 0.99

00:39:01.000 And you're moving, and you don't eat each other. 0.99

00:39:03.000 That's where we draw the line. 1.00

00:39:04.000 But you're stupid as fuck. 1.00

00:39:05.000 You have cloudy eyes, you can barely see. 1.00

00:39:07.000 All people have to do is cover themselves with guts and blood, and they pass as a zombie.

00:39:12.000 And they walk around you.

00:39:14.000 That's all you gotta do? 0.99

00:39:14.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:39:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:16.000 It makes me mad. 1.00

00:39:17.000 So stupid. 1.00

00:39:18.000 It makes me mad, Tom Papa. 1.00

00:39:19.000 It makes me mad, too. 0.99

00:39:20.000 That's ridiculous. 0.98

00:39:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:21.000 Making up their own zombie-ass rules. 1.00

00:39:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:24.000 Fuck you and your zombie rules. 1.00

00:39:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:26.000 Stick with the plan! 1.00

00:39:27.000 See those 28 Days Later zombies?

00:39:29.000 Those are the fast ones?

00:39:30.000 Those are the fast ones.

00:39:31.000 Yeah.

00:39:31.000 That's the ones I like.

00:39:33.000 The ones that look like they're on rabies.

00:39:34.000 Yeah.

00:39:35.000 They just chase you.

00:39:36.000 I saw those in Thousand Oaks.

00:39:40.000 You saw a zombie like that?

00:39:41.000 Yeah, like a whole herd of- A real one?

00:39:42.000 Yeah.

00:39:43.000 What was going on?

00:39:44.000 I was just- Sale?

00:39:45.000 What's that?

00:39:46.000 Was there a sale?

00:39:47.000 There was- A Black Friday sale?

00:39:48.000 It was Black Friday.

00:39:49.000 Is that the worst thing that we do as a culture?

00:39:52.000 It's- Yeah.

00:39:53.000 Trample over each other on the way through Walmart?

00:39:55.000 Yeah.

00:39:57.000 Who does?

00:39:59.000 Who does?

00:40:00.000 Who does that?

00:40:00.000 Yeah.

00:40:01.000 I don't do it.

00:40:02.000 Do you do it?

00:40:02.000 I don't do it, but a lot of people do it.

00:40:04.000 What people?

00:40:05.000 People I don't know.

00:40:06.000 People on TV. My kids want to do it.

00:40:10.000 No, don't let them do it.

00:40:11.000 People get hurt.

00:40:12.000 I'm not.

00:40:13.000 It's disgusting. 0.98

00:40:14.000 Well, it's just ridiculous. 0.99

00:40:16.000 Yeah, you line up outside of a store. 0.88

00:40:18.000 And run in. 0.99

00:40:18.000 And you save $10 or whatever the fuck you save. 0.99

00:40:21.000 How much do you save? 1.00

00:40:22.000 I've got this piece of crap. 0.99

00:40:22.000 Yeah, how much do you save? 0.99

00:40:24.000 Who cares?

00:40:25.000 Why don't you make a nice little card instead of going to...

00:40:28.000 You know what, though?

00:40:28.000 There's things that become things.

00:40:31.000 Like, somehow or another, they just become events.

00:40:33.000 Like, um, it used to be Devil's Night in Detroit, which was the day before Halloween.

00:40:37.000 There were lighthouses on fire.

00:40:39.000 Devil's night.

00:40:40.000 Yeah.

00:40:41.000 We had cabbage night.

00:40:42.000 It was arson night.

00:40:42.000 Wasn't it?

00:40:43.000 Is that what it's called?

00:40:43.000 Devil's night?

00:40:44.000 See if you find that.

00:40:45.000 Literally light people's homes with them in it?

00:40:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:40:47.000 Well, I don't know.

00:40:48.000 We had cabbage night.

00:40:49.000 You'd throw eggs at the cops and...

00:40:51.000 Cabbage?

00:40:52.000 It was called cabbage night the night before.

00:40:55.000 Why?

00:40:55.000 It was a cabbage.

00:40:55.000 It was old-timey New Jersey.

00:40:57.000 One time there was cabbage in the fields.

00:41:00.000 Angel's Night is an event designed to mitigate criminal acts associated with Devil's Night in Detroit.

00:41:05.000 After Brutal's Devil's Night in 1994, then-new mayor Dennis Archer promised city residents arson would not be tolerated.

00:41:12.000 Yeah.

00:41:13.000 Devil's Night is...

00:41:13.000 Scroll down to see if there's a...

00:41:15.000 That didn't catch on, though.

00:41:18.000 Yeah, well, the Devil's Night thing apparently was going on a lot.

00:41:21.000 We'd hear about it in high school.

00:41:22.000 Really?

00:41:23.000 Look at the flaming bags of canine feces in front of port shops.

00:41:26.000 That's always fun.

00:41:27.000 Canine feces.

00:41:29.000 You can't even say, who says feces? 0.55

00:41:31.000 Who are you talking to that say feces? 1.00

00:41:34.000 Well, if you said shit, I would have never known what you were saying, so thank you for saying feces. 1.00

00:41:38.000 Isn't there something nice to using feces once in a while rather than shit? 1.00

00:41:42.000 Yes. 0.99

00:41:43.000 If a scientist is doing it.

00:41:45.000 If I'm talking to a scientist and he's like, well, it's really important that we get feces samples of these animals to make sure that we... 1.00

00:41:51.000 You don't want your doctor saying, go shit in this cup. 1.00

00:41:54.000 I'm out here collecting animal shit. 1.00

00:41:56.000 Make sure we got a lot of them. 0.99

00:41:59.000 Those guys, I was watching this show on the Science Channel last night.

00:42:05.000 Science Channel, by the way, is...

00:42:07.000 It's not all science. 0.99

00:42:10.000 If you leave that thing on, there's a lot of fucking, they get goofy. 0.99

00:42:15.000 What do you mean? 0.99

00:42:16.000 They just start selling UFOs.

00:42:18.000 Oh, really?

00:42:19.000 They do these shows, man, where there's a certain amount of experts.

00:42:22.000 There's a guy, I really want to get him on.

00:42:24.000 He's the preeminent, legitimately intelligent UFO expert.

00:42:28.000 His name is Stanton Friedman.

00:42:30.000 I think he's a nuclear physicist, actually.

00:42:34.000 A real guy?

00:42:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:35.000 See if you can find his Wikipedia.

00:42:37.000 I believe his name is Stanton Friedman. 0.83

00:42:41.000 And he was on one of those last time, but he's one of those guys where you see him on one of those shows, you go, oh, I know I'm watching a show about bullshit. 0.98

00:42:49.000 Because he's a UFO guy. 1.00

00:42:50.000 And it's not that he's full of shit. 0.99

00:42:53.000 He actually makes some real sense as far as what kind of physics would be required in order to make a craft that can travel between worlds. 0.99

00:43:01.000 Right.

00:43:02.000 Is that the UFO guy?

00:43:03.000 But if he's on the show, yeah.

00:43:04.000 No, that's not the same guy.

00:43:06.000 Civilian investigator of the Roswell incident?

00:43:08.000 Maybe it is, yeah.

00:43:09.000 Where's his picture, though?

00:43:10.000 His picture looks weird.

00:43:11.000 Oh, it's just a weird angle of him.

00:43:12.000 Yeah, that's him.

00:43:13.000 That's him.

00:43:15.000 Yeah, Stanton Friedman.

00:43:16.000 Yeah, he was on the show last night.

00:43:19.000 I was watching. 1.00

00:43:20.000 I was like, oh, you son of a bitch. 1.00

00:43:21.000 Next is Bigfoot. 1.00

00:43:22.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:43:23.000 He's coming.

00:43:24.000 Sidekicks are coming.

00:43:25.000 But before that, there was a show about this explorer that something...

00:43:32.000 I forget his name.

00:43:33.000 Christopher Columbus.

00:43:34.000 I tweeted it yesterday to somebody, in response to somebody.

00:43:37.000 I tweeted the whole incident, and then I tweeted this guy's name.

00:43:41.000 But he was an explorer in 1925 that went into the Amazon, and he was looking for El Dorado, which is like this purported city of gold.

00:43:49.000 There was a legendary story in the Amazon.

00:43:51.000 Yeah, but there was something about him that I tweeted earlier.

00:43:54.000 And a great car, the El Dorado.

00:43:57.000 Well, anyway, this guy, in 1925, went to the Amazon and saw these mounds.

00:44:02.000 These mounds, you know, this is almost 100 years ago.

00:44:06.000 And he wanted to investigate these mounds because he got on top of one of them and he looked out and he saw another mound.

00:44:12.000 There was his name, Percy Fawcett.

00:44:14.000 He saw another mound out in the distance and then he realized that they were on a grid and he realized that there's a city here.

00:44:20.000 This is a city.

00:44:21.000 He's like, oh my God, I'm looking.

00:44:23.000 These aren't dirt mounds.

00:44:25.000 It's a lost city.

00:44:25.000 Yeah, these are stone structures that the Earth has sort of covered up.

00:44:29.000 Wow.

00:44:29.000 Because the Amazon is just so dense.

00:44:32.000 Yeah.

00:44:32.000 It just covers everything.

00:44:34.000 Massive.

00:44:34.000 So, super recently, like within the last decade, they've got these satellite images of that area, and they found these pictures, like what Jamie just pulled up that last article.

00:44:45.000 See those images?

00:44:47.000 That's all stuff that they found out from the ceiling, or from satellites, rather, from the ceiling.

00:44:53.000 It looks like a snowman!

00:44:54.000 They were saying that they did these, well, they're just, you know, it's just paths and structures.

00:44:58.000 There's a bunch of them, though.

00:45:00.000 There's a ton of them.

00:45:01.000 When was this discovered?

00:45:03.000 Really recently.

00:45:04.000 Really recently.

00:45:06.000 But, so, one of the, on the show, they were saying that they carbon-tested some of these mounds, and they were over 6,000 years old.

00:45:15.000 So 6,000 years old, this is the speculation, this show might have been wrong, but what they were asserting, and it could totally be true, because it definitely was some culture 6,000 years ago they're just finding out about, but that 6,000 years ago, somehow or another, these people had created irrigation,

00:45:31.000 they had created these pathways, they had made a grid, like a system.

00:45:37.000 Pretty advanced.

00:45:37.000 Well, it looked like a city.

00:45:38.000 It didn't look like a settled group of tents or something like that.

00:45:42.000 How long have human beings been on the planet?

00:45:43.000 It's an enormous area, too.

00:45:46.000 It's bigger than Georgia.

00:45:47.000 What does it say there?

00:45:48.000 It could have maintained a population of 60,000 people, more people than in many medieval European cities.

00:45:53.000 Wow, the structures were created by a network of trenches about 36 feet, nearly 11 meters wide, and several feet deep.

00:46:01.000 Lined by banks up to three feet high, some were ringed by low mounds containing ceramics, charcoal, and stone tools.

00:46:08.000 It's thought that they were used for fortifications, homes, and ceremonies and could have maintained populations of 60,000.

00:46:14.000 That's insane.

00:46:15.000 They sound fun.

00:46:16.000 Yeah, great people.

00:46:17.000 They were cannibals. 0.96

00:46:18.000 Oh, yeah, but other than that...

00:46:20.000 The ones that he found.

00:46:20.000 Yeah, but other than that, they were fun.

00:46:22.000 So he had these guides, and the guides were taking him to this mount.

00:46:26.000 Obviously, this is, again, a wonky TV show. 0.99

00:46:29.000 Might have been bullshit. 0.98

00:46:31.000 They go fast and loose with the facts in order to make those shows seem more fun, and they got me. 0.99

00:46:36.000 And they were saying that he was told by his guides to stay back.

00:46:40.000 They wouldn't go any further because there's cannibals. 1.00

00:46:42.000 And he was never seen from again.

00:46:45.000 The last contact of him, he ran into some other tribes.

00:46:49.000 I was like, yeah, somebody probably jacked him.

00:46:50.000 They probably knew even back then, the white people coming over from England.

00:46:54.000 Like, what?

00:46:54.000 They just wanted his north face.

00:46:57.000 Probably everything he had back then was probably super nice.

00:47:00.000 How long were people on the planet, though?

00:47:03.000 People in this form, I think it's been 150,000 years.

00:47:09.000 150?

00:47:10.000 I think so.

00:47:11.000 And what's the oldest, like...

00:47:13.000 Town that we found like that.

00:47:15.000 I think the oldest structures that they know of right now are somewhere around 14,000 plus years ago.

00:47:25.000 14,000.

00:47:25.000 As far as like stone structures, like when they find...

00:47:28.000 I went to like one of the very first cities, which was in Beirut.

00:47:32.000 Ooh.

00:47:32.000 It was this, I forget the name of it, but it was like one of the original cities, like where they actually started to grid out and stuff.

00:47:38.000 Wow.

00:47:39.000 And I don't know how long ago that was.

00:47:41.000 Well, let's find out what is the oldest known evidence of civilization.

00:47:45.000 And what do they determine in civilization? 1.00

00:47:48.000 There's a bunch of shit. 1.00

00:47:49.000 Like, functioning. 1.00

00:47:49.000 Like, you know, we were hunters-gatherers first, right? 1.00

00:47:52.000 But, yeah, I guess, where do you draw the line?

00:47:54.000 I guess, when did you have girlfriends and, like, have fun on a Saturday night?

00:47:59.000 When did you guys have a drive-thru?

00:48:02.000 That's when it all started.

00:48:03.000 I was at a food festival the other day, and a pretty good band, like these young guys, were playing Elton John Saturday night.

00:48:10.000 And they were like, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.

00:48:15.000 And I was thinking, is that as important to kids as it was?

00:48:19.000 Yeah, because school.

00:48:20.000 School makes it important.

00:48:22.000 Like, what?

00:48:23.000 It's Saturday!

00:48:23.000 Yeah.

00:48:24.000 Is that still the way it is?

00:48:25.000 Yeah, school makes it important.

00:48:27.000 Earliest evidence of modern human culture found.

00:48:30.000 20,000 years.

00:48:31.000 Oh, wow.

00:48:31.000 44,000 years ago, over 20,000 years before other findings.

00:48:36.000 Wow.

00:48:37.000 Modern human behavior.

00:48:38.000 So this is the earliest unambiguous evidence for modern human behavior has been discovered in an international team of researchers in a South African cave.

00:48:45.000 Now, here's what's crazy.

00:48:47.000 That is saying that the first evidence of civilization...

00:48:51.000 Right.

00:48:52.000 Of modern human behavior was 44,000 years ago.

00:48:57.000 That's so crazy recent.

00:48:59.000 Yeah.

00:48:59.000 That's so recent.

00:49:00.000 And then the earliest stone structures, I think, is the stuff they found in Turkey.

00:49:06.000 The really big stone structures in Turkey at...

00:49:11.000 Gobekli Tepe.

00:49:12.000 I think that's the oldest right now as far as like really complex because before then they weren't really convinced that people could do that kind of stuff back then.

00:49:19.000 So that means in 30,000 years they figured out how to make that.

00:49:22.000 There's got to be like some older structures that they just haven't found that are way down or under the sea.

00:49:28.000 Yeah, I think they're guessing.

00:49:30.000 They're guessing with a lot of evidence.

00:49:32.000 They're not guessing with a complete supply of evidence.

00:49:36.000 That would be cool if they found this whole other culture.

00:49:38.000 And it had aliens in it.

00:49:40.000 Where they find stuff is in the oceans, because the water levels have risen since then.

00:49:45.000 So they find entire cities underwater.

00:49:48.000 I think there's probably some amazing evidence they've never even discovered of ancient cities.

00:49:54.000 Oh, there's got to be.

00:49:55.000 But you gotta think also that what was the city made out of?

00:49:58.000 Because unless it was made out of solid stone, the ocean's just gonna destroy it.

00:50:02.000 Like the ocean crept over Malibu.

00:50:04.000 Do you think you would find anything in 3,000 years?

00:50:08.000 Right.

00:50:09.000 Right, what would you find?

00:50:10.000 Gary Busey.

00:50:11.000 Is this thing on?

00:50:14.000 Lisa Rena.

00:50:15.000 She'll still be at the bar. 0.94

00:50:17.000 What'll I find?

00:50:18.000 A good time.

00:50:19.000 Is this thing on?

00:50:20.000 Who's got the pills?

00:50:21.000 Come on, we're in Malibu.

00:50:25.000 Those houses would just vanish.

00:50:27.000 They would just totally vanish.

00:50:29.000 Especially that salt water.

00:50:30.000 Nothing was made of metal.

00:50:32.000 Even if it was, anything made of metal would give out after a thousand years.

00:50:36.000 What about like old ships and stuff that are down under the ocean?

00:50:38.000 They're not that old.

00:50:39.000 There's some old ones.

00:50:41.000 There's nothing that's like, yeah, I mean, there's probably some that there's remnants of it, of like the Roman times.

00:50:47.000 Yeah.

00:50:48.000 But think of that.

00:50:48.000 What's that, 1,000 years?

00:50:50.000 Yeah.

00:50:50.000 Right?

00:50:51.000 2,000 years?

00:50:52.000 3,000 years?

00:50:53.000 What about 7,000?

00:50:54.000 What about 8?

00:50:55.000 Nothing. 0.99

00:50:55.000 You're not going to find a goddamn thing. 0.99

00:50:57.000 40,000. 0.97

00:50:57.000 So we're talking about more than 14,000 years old. 0.97

00:50:59.000 If it was a city like this, you ain't going to find shit. 0.96

00:51:02.000 But what if, just hear me out, what if it was covered with lava... 0.98

00:51:08.000 And you couldn't, and then they solidified it like Pompeii. 0.99

00:51:12.000 Cracked that bitch open, and we're rich! 1.00

00:51:15.000 We're rich! 1.00

00:51:15.000 Divers discover ancient Roman treasure trove and shipwreck. 1.00

00:51:20.000 1600 year old shipwreck.

00:51:22.000 So there's still some stuff, but like the ship's gone.

00:51:25.000 Look at the anchor, dude.

00:51:26.000 They found the anchor.

00:51:28.000 Go back to that anchor again.

00:51:30.000 You find little coins.

00:51:32.000 Look at that.

00:51:32.000 Is that the anchor?

00:51:34.000 Yeah, that's a long anchor. 1.00

00:51:36.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:51:36.000 That's so cool. 1.00

00:51:37.000 That is cool.

00:51:39.000 Imagine that.

00:51:39.000 They would throw a giant hunk of metal overboard and get it to snag.

00:51:45.000 So you don't move around.

00:51:47.000 And then they would hope that they'd be able to pick it up.

00:51:49.000 Look at that Roman coin.

00:51:51.000 Look at the rare bronze statue. 0.99

00:51:53.000 Holy shit, that's incredible. 0.99

00:51:55.000 You've been to Rome, right? 1.00

00:51:56.000 Yeah, just once.

00:51:58.000 Just last summer.

00:51:59.000 Me too.

00:51:59.000 Yeah.

00:52:00.000 Two summers ago.

00:52:01.000 Last summer and...

00:52:02.000 It's pretty mind-blowing, isn't it? 1.00

00:52:03.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:52:04.000 Life-changing. 1.00

00:52:05.000 The images are insane.

00:52:06.000 Look at all the stuff they're finding down there.

00:52:09.000 Wait a minute.

00:52:09.000 That was a Statue of Liberty.

00:52:10.000 Why do we have a Statue of Liberty?

00:52:12.000 Get back to there.

00:52:13.000 Oh, wait.

00:52:13.000 It's a souvenir shop on 3rd Street.

00:52:16.000 Someone's fucking with us, man. 1.00

00:52:17.000 That's the goddamn Statue of Liberty. 1.00

00:52:19.000 That really is the Statue of Liberty. 1.00

00:52:20.000 Holy cow. 0.89

00:52:21.000 The French stole it. 1.00

00:52:22.000 It's about as close to the Statue of Liberty as you can get.

00:52:26.000 She's just the same pose, just not holding the torch.

00:52:29.000 Well, look at the bottom of it.

00:52:30.000 It's like a horn.

00:52:31.000 Yeah.

00:52:31.000 What is it?

00:52:32.000 Do you drink out of that or something?

00:52:34.000 I think it's Poseidon.

00:52:36.000 Oh, what is it?

00:52:37.000 Yeah, what is it at the bottom, though?

00:52:39.000 It seems like it's got...

00:52:39.000 Doesn't it, Jamie, does it look like a horn?

00:52:41.000 Like a buffalo horn or some shit? 0.94

00:52:43.000 There's like an opening of some kind. 0.99

00:52:44.000 Yeah, like maybe you drank out of that.

00:52:46.000 Right.

00:52:47.000 Aye, aye!

00:52:48.000 Yeah, that's probably a handle.

00:52:49.000 Aye!

00:52:50.000 A handle?

00:52:51.000 I mean, if you flip it upside down, like the...

00:52:53.000 Could be.

00:52:54.000 To Poseidon.

00:52:55.000 But it's the wrong way.

00:52:57.000 It looks like a...

00:52:57.000 Like you would want to see her if it was on a handle.

00:52:59.000 You wouldn't want her facing the door.

00:53:01.000 It's a hood ornament.

00:53:02.000 Oh yeah, that's right.

00:53:03.000 It goes in the front of the car.

00:53:04.000 Oh yeah, one of them baller old Buicks.

00:53:07.000 They were as big as a house.

00:53:10.000 The kids that lived across the street from me were like maybe five years older, and that was their thing to do on Saturday nights.

00:53:18.000 If there were parties in the neighborhood with adults and stuff, they would go rip off everybody's hood ornaments. 1.00

00:53:23.000 Oh, assholes. 0.98

00:53:24.000 They had a whole box of like the big ornaments from the front and then like the names on them from the side. 1.00

00:53:30.000 They would just take a screwdriver and go pick off people's hood ornaments. 1.00

00:53:34.000 Kids are such dicks. 1.00

00:53:35.000 They're such dicks. 1.00

00:53:37.000 Kids are such dicks. 1.00

00:53:38.000 And when you give kids freedom and you let them go outside, they're like, I can go anywhere. 1.00

00:53:42.000 At night?

00:53:43.000 Let's ring that doorbell and run! 1.00

00:53:46.000 Go, go, go! 1.00

00:53:48.000 Little fucking gremlins out there. 1.00

00:53:49.000 Yeah, looking in your windows, throwing eggs at your house. 1.00

00:53:52.000 That's why people give them homework.

00:53:53.000 Do your homework.

00:53:54.000 Yeah.

00:53:55.000 Because you just let them be free.

00:53:56.000 You think it was a pipe?

00:53:58.000 What?

00:53:58.000 You think it was a pipe?

00:53:59.000 Could be, yeah.

00:54:01.000 Huge pipe.

00:54:02.000 That's a big pipe. 1.00

00:54:03.000 Holy shit, they like to party. 1.00

00:54:05.000 There's an ancient Roman pipe right here. 1.00

00:54:06.000 I like to party.

00:54:07.000 That's an ancient Roman pipe?

00:54:09.000 Someone might have made it in the style of it.

00:54:10.000 Classical ancient Roman.

00:54:12.000 I don't know about all that, dude.

00:54:13.000 That's got a plastic mouth. 1.00

00:54:16.000 Isn't that like plastic?

00:54:17.000 Or is that carved out of wood?

00:54:18.000 That can't be ancient.

00:54:20.000 That's from Spencer Gifts.

00:54:23.000 You get that if you spend more than $100 at Forever 21. Bubbles come out of it.

00:54:29.000 They're trying to encourage pipe smoking now that Trump's in office.

00:54:32.000 We're all trying to be pretentious.

00:54:34.000 I smoked a pipe recently on the podcast, a couple weeks ago.

00:54:37.000 That pipe right over there.

00:54:38.000 I was going to bring a cigar, but I didn't know if you could smoke a cigar in here.

00:54:41.000 Yeah, we could smoke a cigar in here.

00:54:42.000 You could?

00:54:42.000 Sure, yeah.

00:54:43.000 Just turn on that filter thing and we could smoke a cigar.

00:54:45.000 I think we smoke cigars in here, right?

00:54:47.000 Yeah.

00:54:48.000 Wow.

00:54:49.000 Let's do that next time.

00:54:50.000 I have a big thing of Cuban cigars.

00:54:52.000 Do you?

00:54:53.000 Yeah. 0.87

00:54:54.000 Did you kill them when they were illegal or illegal? 0.99

00:54:56.000 Big shots. 1.00

00:54:56.000 Big shots, eh? 1.00

00:54:57.000 Big shots, eh?

00:54:58.000 Nah.

00:54:59.000 Illegal.

00:55:00.000 Through a guy I know in Vegas.

00:55:01.000 It's not a big deal.

00:55:02.000 I know people.

00:55:05.000 I used to be able to get him.

00:55:06.000 Vegas was great.

00:55:07.000 Was it good?

00:55:07.000 Yeah, it was fun.

00:55:08.000 The fight was weird, though.

00:55:10.000 The main event, there was a lot of controversy.

00:55:13.000 People thought it was a boring fight.

00:55:15.000 Oh, really?

00:55:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:16.000 It was just not a lot of action happened.

00:55:18.000 It was a very tactical fight for most of the five rounds.

00:55:21.000 Then the fifth round, Tyron Woodley cracked him and almost had him out cold.

00:55:26.000 But was losing most of the round in a lot of people's eyes before then, so the scoring was really oddly.

00:55:33.000 It was really odd because a lot of people disagree with the score.

00:55:36.000 The score was for the champion, but the first fight they had was a draw.

00:55:40.000 And then a lot of people were like, well if that first fight was a draw, this fight was a draw too.

00:55:45.000 Including the guy I was commentating with, Dominic Cruz, a former Bantamweight champion.

00:55:49.000 So a lot of people felt disappointed.

00:55:54.000 When you're in that situation and you're broadcasting it, do you speak your mind?

00:55:58.000 Sometimes.

00:55:59.000 Do you think it's weird?

00:55:59.000 Sometimes, but I didn't think in that case it was that weird.

00:56:04.000 Oh, okay.

00:56:04.000 I felt like...

00:56:05.000 I think the scoring system sucks. 0.97

00:56:08.000 Oh, yeah? 0.96

00:56:09.000 Do you know anything about the scoring system?

00:56:11.000 No.

00:56:11.000 For MMA. We essentially took the boxing scoring system and adapted it to MMA. So it's a 10 point must system.

00:56:18.000 And it's very difficult to get a round to be scored 10-8.

00:56:22.000 And the problem with that is I don't think it leaves enough room for accurately judging all the events that take place in a five minute period of combat sports.

00:56:34.000 Because there's so many different interactions.

00:56:36.000 I think those interactions should probably be judged on their own merit.

00:56:43.000 There should be a way to quantify how much damage was done, whether or not it was the right thing to do.

00:56:49.000 And it should be probably a 100-point score system or something like that.

00:56:53.000 A lot more factors.

00:56:55.000 The difference between a 10-9 in one round and a 10-9 in another round, totally different fight.

00:57:01.000 One, the guy's getting dominated, and he's clearly losing, and the other one, it's a toss-up, and still they're both two 10-9 rounds.

00:57:08.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:57:10.000 Does it work for boxing because it's longer and it's just one set thing that you're doing?

00:57:14.000 Yeah, boxing is just one thing.

00:57:15.000 It's three minutes instead of five minutes.

00:57:17.000 You have more rounds, so there's more variables because there's 10-9 rounds.

00:57:21.000 Boxing, the 10-point must system works, and people like it.

00:57:24.000 Maybe it can be improved upon.

00:57:25.000 I'm not saying it couldn't be.

00:57:26.000 But for MMA, it's woefully inadequate.

00:57:29.000 So they've created an updated system, but Nevada hasn't adopted it yet.

00:57:33.000 Okay.

00:57:34.000 When you go to Vegas and you're gigging in like that...

00:57:37.000 When I'm gigging, daddy-o.

00:57:38.000 You're gigging.

00:57:39.000 Do you eat whatever you want? 0.89

00:57:44.000 Do you go a little crazy?

00:57:45.000 This weekend I ate spaghetti.

00:57:48.000 I had like linguine with clams.

00:57:50.000 Nice. 1.00

00:57:51.000 I fucked up. 1.00

00:57:52.000 I ate a Cuban sandwich on Sunday night. 1.00

00:57:55.000 Yeah, I ate some shitty food. 0.98

00:57:57.000 I felt it today. 0.98

00:58:00.000 People are so tired of hearing people complain about...

00:58:03.000 Eating bad food and what it does to your body.

00:58:05.000 I think people have worn my welcome out with that subject.

00:58:09.000 That's funny.

00:58:10.000 Because I talk about it too much on my own, but I definitely indulge.

00:58:14.000 I had pizza on Sunday. 0.99

00:58:15.000 I had a lot of shitty food. 0.88

00:58:17.000 Yeah, no, because it's hard. 0.95

00:58:18.000 When you're on the road, it's difficult to not do it.

00:58:21.000 And once you break the seal when you're on the road, you're like, I'll just clean up when I get home.

00:58:25.000 Exactly.

00:58:26.000 Exactly.

00:58:26.000 Yeah, but I've been pretty consistent with my diet and pretty consistent with working out.

00:58:32.000 I was going to bring some bread today because I was experimenting with something and tried to make something different, and it was kind of a fail.

00:58:39.000 Not a total fail.

00:58:40.000 It still tasted good, but it didn't look that great.

00:58:43.000 And I was like, I was going to bring it by, and I was like, I don't think they're going to want to eat bread.

00:58:47.000 I think they're dialed in right now.

00:58:49.000 I'm trying to be dialed in right now.

00:58:52.000 I just think I'm going to give myself one day a week. 1.00

00:58:55.000 One day a week to fuck off. 0.99

00:58:56.000 And I'm not always going to take it. 0.99

00:58:58.000 I'm not always going to take that day.

00:59:00.000 Some days I'm like, I don't need it.

00:59:01.000 And don't go batshit crazy.

00:59:03.000 Well, here's the thing.

00:59:04.000 And Aubrey Marcus, my good buddies, described this the best way.

00:59:07.000 He's like, what you're doing is, you're just for a few moments of mouth pleasure.

00:59:14.000 You're totally hijacking your body for the next day.

00:59:19.000 Yeah.

00:59:19.000 Like if you're eating like an ice cream sundae and, you know, you drink a Coca-Cola with that and you have a cheeseburger and fries.

00:59:29.000 Right.

00:59:29.000 You are hijacking your digestive system.

00:59:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:59:33.000 You just said, listen, I don't give a fuck what's good for me. 1.00

00:59:36.000 We're going to throw some groovy poison down there, and I'm going to get the shortest, I mean, like a few minutes of good feeling that doesn't come close to a lot of stuff that's legal. 0.99

00:59:46.000 Yeah.

00:59:46.000 Doesn't even come close.

00:59:48.000 Yeah, but some things kind of last.

00:59:50.000 Like when you've been thinking about fried chicken for a month or so, and then you get that fried chicken, it'll stick with you for a bit.

00:59:59.000 Do you think you should earn it?

01:00:01.000 Yeah, I think it should be special.

01:00:02.000 I think it's got to be like, you know, yeah.

01:00:06.000 You know what my all-time favorite cheat foods is?

01:00:09.000 Is Popeye's fried chicken with hot sauce. 0.99

01:00:13.000 Hot damn. 1.00

01:00:14.000 I take some fucking El Yucateca habanero sauce when it's cold. 0.99

01:00:18.000 I like it the next day even more than I like it the first. 0.99

01:00:21.000 Oh, better! 0.99

01:00:21.000 Yeah, and then dip it in the habanero sauce and just fucking gluten be damned. 0.99

01:00:26.000 You've got to put a nice potato with that. 0.99

01:00:28.000 Talk potatoes.

01:00:29.000 No fries on the side of that?

01:00:33.000 I'm just going hard with fried chicken.

01:00:36.000 See, fried chicken is two food groups.

01:00:38.000 It's bread and it's chicken.

01:00:40.000 Right.

01:00:41.000 Because all that crust on the outside.

01:00:42.000 And oil.

01:00:43.000 Yeah, plenty of oil.

01:00:44.000 I got fried chicken at this food festival the other day.

01:00:48.000 And I was like, ooh, I haven't had that in a long time.

01:00:51.000 And it wasn't that great.

01:00:52.000 That's the worst.

01:00:53.000 You know what the best chicken is in California?

01:00:55.000 No.

01:00:56.000 Roscoe's.

01:00:56.000 Oh really?

01:00:57.000 The best chicken.

01:00:59.000 Maybe it's just, in my eyes, maybe it's just the combination.

01:01:02.000 The combination of the chicken and the waffles together.

01:01:05.000 And the waffles and syrup.

01:01:05.000 Yeah, and collard greens.

01:01:07.000 There's something about collard greens on the side.

01:01:10.000 There's a place in Studio City called Uncle Andre's.

01:01:15.000 And it's a barbecue place, tiny little place, one dude just in the back making this stuff forever.

01:01:20.000 It looks like they took him out of Alabama in the woods, and he's just kick-ass, makes him incredible.

01:01:26.000 His collard greens are insane.

01:01:30.000 They're so good.

01:01:32.000 Because when someone does it really well, like at a really good barbecue place, and it's like dripping when you pull it out of the box.

01:01:37.000 Yes, a little, yeah, a little liquid coming off it.

01:01:40.000 It's good stuff.

01:01:41.000 It's a delicious vegetable.

01:01:43.000 And it's not like a well-used one.

01:01:45.000 No.

01:01:46.000 It's good for you.

01:01:47.000 Well, anything green, essentially, is good for you.

01:01:50.000 Right.

01:01:51.000 They say that bok choy is something that people are really getting into now for its health benefits. 0.68

01:01:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:01:56.000 Bok choy?

01:01:56.000 Yeah.

01:01:57.000 I don't know what to do with that.

01:01:58.000 I'm a kale freak, man.

01:02:00.000 I love kale.

01:02:01.000 Yeah.

01:02:01.000 Makes me feel good.

01:02:02.000 Kale does make you feel good.

01:02:03.000 Love it.

01:02:04.000 It's really good.

01:02:05.000 There's this place called Blossom in New York, and it had this total kale dish.

01:02:12.000 And it was a lot of it.

01:02:14.000 And you just ate the whole thing and then you walk out, you feel better than when you walked in the restaurant. 1.00

01:02:18.000 And you shit like a lumber accident on a river. 1.00

01:02:24.000 Like a fucking lumber ship hit a rock. 1.00

01:02:28.000 You want to take pictures and send it to your friends. 1.00

01:02:35.000 I'm proud of you, little buddy. 0.99

01:02:37.000 What was that scene in Dumb and Dumber where he's holding on while he's taking a shit? 0.99

01:02:43.000 He's getting launched into the air, literally. 0.99

01:02:47.000 Sometimes you just want to take a picture and share it with your friends. 1.00

01:02:52.000 There's something about shit jokes, man. 0.99

01:02:55.000 It's so funny. 0.99

01:02:56.000 Ari Shaffir had to get rid of his agent or his manager, one of the two, because they told him to stop.

01:03:01.000 Oh, there it is right there.

01:03:02.000 Jamie found the scene.

01:03:06.000 Why is that so funny?

01:03:07.000 I'm such a child.

01:03:09.000 I'm such a child.

01:03:10.000 It's a primal thing.

01:03:11.000 But Ari had this great joke about, and it actually was a real thing that happened when he and I worked together. 0.99

01:03:17.000 He had to go over this bridge, and it was a long-ass bridge in Sydney, Australia, and as he was halfway over the bridge, he had to shit himself. 0.82

01:03:24.000 And it takes forever to get to the other side. 0.98

01:03:27.000 I mean, it's just, he's stuck.

01:03:29.000 And so his manager was like, you shouldn't do that. 1.00

01:03:32.000 It's a shit joke. 0.99

01:03:34.000 And, I mean, this joke... 1.00

01:03:35.000 Oh, he had it in his act.

01:03:36.000 The joke killed.

01:03:38.000 It killed.

01:03:39.000 He was closing with it.

01:03:40.000 Right.

01:03:41.000 You know? 1.00

01:03:41.000 And his manager was telling him he shouldn't do it because it's a shit joke. 1.00

01:03:44.000 And he's like, yeah, we're not going to be working. 0.99

01:03:47.000 We can't do this.

01:03:48.000 You can't tell me what to do.

01:03:49.000 We can't do this.

01:03:50.000 Meanwhile, I was just laughing at it.

01:03:52.000 I came to tell him.

01:03:53.000 I go, dude, that joke is so funny. 0.97

01:03:55.000 It's so funny that you're telling that story, and it's fucking hilarious. 0.92

01:03:58.000 And he goes, yeah, I just had to fire my manager. 0.96

01:04:00.000 That's hilarious.

01:04:01.000 I was like, what?

01:04:01.000 And he goes, yeah, he told me to stop doing it.

01:04:03.000 I go, get the fuck out of here! 0.99

01:04:05.000 There's no way! 1.00

01:04:06.000 Because it was a joke about a guy who had to take a shit, but it wasn't just... 0.99

01:04:12.000 It was a, it was just a real, it was a real story. 0.99

01:04:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:04:15.000 And that concept is a real part of life.

01:04:18.000 Yeah.

01:04:18.000 Like, it's not just, but there's people that think, like, there's toilet humor, and there was a thing that, like, in the 1960s and the 70s, you know, someone like Lenny Bruce came along, oh, he's doing toilet humor.

01:04:28.000 Right.

01:04:28.000 Right, right.

01:04:28.000 Look, if it's coming out of somebody and all they have is that and there's nothing.

01:04:33.000 If it's coming from Ari, you're like, he's a funny comedian.

01:04:36.000 And it's just a subject.

01:04:38.000 It's just a real subject.

01:04:40.000 I was talking about how it's hard to be a human being.

01:04:43.000 And I had this run.

01:04:44.000 And I said, have you ever fart so loud in your sleep that you wake yourself up?

01:04:50.000 And...

01:04:51.000 I was like, wow, this is so bass.

01:04:54.000 Like, I don't normally have talk like that in my act.

01:04:57.000 And it's just so fun to talk about.

01:04:58.000 And the girls just get hysterical in the audience because they do. 1.00

01:05:02.000 It's just too much fun to talk about.

01:05:04.000 Why else are we here?

01:05:06.000 We're supposed to enjoy ourselves.

01:05:08.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:08.000 I can't be like, no.

01:05:09.000 I mean, I'm not going to do it on Colbert, but, you know, it's fun to do at Ice House.

01:05:14.000 I mean, it is a thing.

01:05:16.000 Yeah.

01:05:16.000 But it's a thing that you should certainly use it sparingly.

01:05:20.000 Right. 0.99

01:05:20.000 If you're going to describe it and talk about it, like, is this guy obsessed with shit? 0.99

01:05:24.000 Right, exactly. 0.99

01:05:24.000 The FBI sees your computer, Jesus, look at his bookmarks! 0.99

01:05:27.000 Oh, God! 0.98

01:05:28.000 I accidentally, somebody fucking retweeted a scat page. 0.97

01:05:33.000 There's a scat Twitter page. 0.95

01:05:35.000 Somebody retweeted it, and I was like, why is this on my feed? 1.00

01:05:38.000 It was some dude with his giant, hairy, fat, overweight ass hunched over this woman's face and just shitting in her mouth while people were pulling the shit out of his ass and rubbing it on her face. 1.00

01:05:51.000 I was like, this is on Twitter, but Milo's not? 1.00

01:05:55.000 You guys banned Milo Yiannopoulos and this is...

01:05:59.000 Yeah.

01:05:59.000 Like, whoa!

01:06:00.000 Yeah.

01:06:01.000 Oh, that's terrible. 0.99

01:06:02.000 I'm like, what in the fuck am I looking at? 0.99

01:06:04.000 Ay yi yi. 0.99

01:06:05.000 Like, how was that? 0.92

01:06:06.000 And also, there's a lot of porn on Twitter.

01:06:09.000 Is there really? 0.77

01:06:10.000 Yeah.

01:06:11.000 Like, full hardcore.

01:06:12.000 I don't read the Twitter feed anymore.

01:06:14.000 You don't?

01:06:15.000 I'll read mentions for fans that want to talk about stuff, but I don't scroll through everybody else.

01:06:23.000 No, it's just...

01:06:24.000 Well, yes.

01:06:25.000 It just got too much.

01:06:27.000 It was overwhelming.

01:06:28.000 I'd rather just talk to people about bread recipes and...

01:06:31.000 Well, there's too much information.

01:06:33.000 And for sure, we're definitely suffering from an overload of information.

01:06:36.000 I just feel better because it's just too much to go through.

01:06:40.000 Instagram is good.

01:06:41.000 You see a couple pictures of your friends.

01:06:43.000 I feel like if something really crazy is happening, someone will text me.

01:06:46.000 Yeah, right.

01:06:48.000 Something really crazy. 0.86

01:06:49.000 Like Arian Foster, the guy who's coming tomorrow, who thinks he can kill a wolf with his hands.

01:06:54.000 He's going to be on the podcast tomorrow.

01:06:56.000 Oh, yeah?

01:06:56.000 Former NFL player.

01:06:57.000 Has he done it?

01:06:58.000 No, he never has killed a wolf with his hands.

01:07:00.000 By the way, no one's killed a wolf with their hands.

01:07:02.000 Well, he's just a giant super athlete.

01:07:05.000 He said if he gets a hold of its neck, it'll be donezo.

01:07:09.000 That's what he said.

01:07:10.000 I'm like, I'm not entirely sure he understands.

01:07:14.000 How big that neck is.

01:07:15.000 Well, I don't think he understands how fast those things move, how vicious they are.

01:07:19.000 They have a bite that's five times harder than a pit bull's.

01:07:22.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:24.000 I joined the wolf movement when I was in college.

01:07:28.000 It was around the time I was saving the wolves because the numbers had gotten so low.

01:07:32.000 What year was this?

01:07:33.000 This was like 89, 88. So that was before the Yellowstone reintroduction?

01:07:38.000 Yes, it was all part of that.

01:07:39.000 And everyone's just pouring money and effort into talking about it and stuff.

01:07:44.000 And we and my friends were so into wolves.

01:07:49.000 We'd watch wolf videos, wolf packs.

01:07:52.000 We loved the packs and how they would hunt and go around different things.

01:07:57.000 And now the wolf is dominant again.

01:08:01.000 It's kind of exploded.

01:08:02.000 It's become a little bit of a problem, right?

01:08:04.000 In some areas, but in most areas, they think it's healthy.

01:08:09.000 It is good.

01:08:10.000 Yeah, they think it's healthy in Yellowstone.

01:08:12.000 People are upset that live on the outside of it because they weren't given a say, and there's a lot of wolves now.

01:08:18.000 It's a real thing.

01:08:20.000 And as long as the elk populations are high and they manage the wolf populations, that's where it gets squirrely.

01:08:26.000 Some people don't want anyone to kill wolves.

01:08:29.000 Like, and you say, well, why would you kill a wolf, man?

01:08:31.000 The problem is, well, if you get, if they get overpopulated, you have a real problem.

01:08:36.000 Like, I agree, they're beautiful.

01:08:37.000 And I think they're amazing.

01:08:38.000 They're probably like, if I had like one animal that I would be like most psyched to see in the wild, it would be a wolf.

01:08:45.000 I think they're incredible.

01:08:46.000 For sure.

01:08:46.000 I'm fascinated by them.

01:08:48.000 But I'm also really aware of what the consequences are if there's too many of them.

01:08:53.000 They'll eat people. 0.70

01:08:54.000 They definitely eat people.

01:08:55.000 They've eaten people many times in the past.

01:08:57.000 They eat dogs.

01:08:58.000 There's some pictures that someone sent me.

01:09:01.000 His buddies in Kazakhstan had three dogs killed in a night by wolves, and they ate the dogs.

01:09:07.000 They have pictures of the remains of these dogs.

01:09:10.000 They're bitten in half, like the lower abdomen.

01:09:14.000 You could see everything from the shoulders up, like the dog's head, the dog's arms, and then everything back there is gone.

01:09:20.000 They cut it in half.

01:09:22.000 Geez.

01:09:23.000 The amount of power they generate in their jaws is insane.

01:09:26.000 And they don't look at dogs like their buddies.

01:09:28.000 They look at dogs like prey.

01:09:30.000 And they'll look at people like prey, too.

01:09:32.000 If they don't think that you're dangerous...

01:09:34.000 They'll get you.

01:09:35.000 They'll get you.

01:09:36.000 There's coyotes all around us.

01:09:38.000 They'll get you, too, if it gets real bad.

01:09:40.000 Yeah, we know someone who...

01:09:41.000 The coyote went in the house and got the dog.

01:09:44.000 Oh, my God.

01:09:45.000 Yeah, a little dog.

01:09:46.000 Went in, got it, and took off.

01:09:48.000 Oh, my God.

01:09:49.000 Ow! 1.00

01:09:50.000 Dude, they're scary.

01:09:51.000 Yeah, they're scary.

01:09:52.000 Who has a stronger bite, a wolf or a bear?

01:09:55.000 Grizzly bear.

01:09:56.000 A grizzly bear.

01:09:56.000 Yeah.

01:09:57.000 Not even close.

01:09:58.000 Not even close.

01:09:59.000 No.

01:09:59.000 A real, like, if you're talking like a Kodiak Island grizzly bear, that's the biggest they get.

01:10:04.000 They're not really a grizzly.

01:10:05.000 Grizzlies, um, there's two bears, right?

01:10:08.000 There's a brown bear and a grizzly bear.

01:10:09.000 And the grizzly bear is the interior bear.

01:10:11.000 That's the bear that you find in, like, the Rocky Mountains.

01:10:13.000 Right.

01:10:13.000 That's a grizzly bear.

01:10:15.000 Right.

01:10:15.000 That's the bear you'll find in Montana.

01:10:17.000 Right.

01:10:18.000 But the coastal bears are even bigger.

01:10:20.000 And that's what they had to kill in California.

01:10:21.000 You know, our state flag has a brown bear on it.

01:10:24.000 Right.

01:10:25.000 And that brown bear, that's the difference between brown and grizzly.

01:10:27.000 Same animal.

01:10:28.000 But one of them lives interior and it's much more aggressive, by the way.

01:10:32.000 The grizzly is much scarier than the coastal bear.

01:10:35.000 Right.

01:10:36.000 Because the coastal bear gets plenty of food.

01:10:37.000 That's why they're so big.

01:10:39.000 Oh.

01:10:39.000 And the other one's hungry.

01:10:40.000 Yeah.

01:10:40.000 Yeah, so coastal bears are enormous.

01:10:43.000 I mean, enormous.

01:10:44.000 Right.

01:10:45.000 And the biggest ones on the planet that are brown bears, the biggest bears on the planet right now are polar bears.

01:10:51.000 Polar bears.

01:10:52.000 But the brown bears on Kodiak Island, I think they get to close to 2,000 pounds.

01:10:58.000 Oh, my God.

01:10:58.000 Yeah.

01:10:59.000 Like, find out what's the biggest brown bear ever shot on Kodiak Island.

01:11:04.000 I think it might be close to 12 feet tall.

01:11:07.000 Wow.

01:11:07.000 And I think it might be in the neighborhood of 1,800 to 2,000 pounds.

01:11:11.000 Jeez.

01:11:12.000 I told you that time when I was hiking in Alaska and I was close to a bear.

01:11:16.000 Ooh.

01:11:17.000 Accidentally?

01:11:18.000 Yeah.

01:11:19.000 Yeah.

01:11:20.000 Girl or a boy?

01:11:21.000 I don't know.

01:11:22.000 Black or brown? 0.63

01:11:23.000 It was kind of tan.

01:11:25.000 Tan?

01:11:26.000 Yeah.

01:11:26.000 Oh, probably...

01:11:27.000 It was in Alaska, like...

01:11:28.000 Probably a black bear.

01:11:29.000 They have the color-faced black bears that can actually look blonde.

01:11:33.000 It was big.

01:11:33.000 It looked like the size of a minivan.

01:11:34.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:11:35.000 So it was probably a grizzly then.

01:11:36.000 It was big.

01:11:37.000 Yeah.

01:11:37.000 So really big.

01:11:38.000 Yeah.

01:11:39.000 And it was just coming through the weeds.

01:11:40.000 Oh, my God.

01:11:42.000 How far away were you?

01:11:43.000 We were in the backcountry.

01:11:44.000 We were out there.

01:11:45.000 Like miles in.

01:11:46.000 Miles in.

01:11:47.000 Yeah, like overnight for like a week.

01:11:49.000 Oh, Jesus, Tom Papa.

01:11:50.000 And it was reeds.

01:11:52.000 Like as tall as me.

01:11:53.000 Like a whole field of those reeds.

01:11:55.000 And we just saw the reeds just parting like 50 feet away.

01:12:01.000 Like whoosh.

01:12:03.000 Oh my god.

01:12:04.000 And I'm with like five other people and you're not supposed to run when you see a bear.

01:12:07.000 You're supposed to freeze.

01:12:08.000 Yeah.

01:12:09.000 Everybody took off.

01:12:10.000 Oh no!

01:12:11.000 With their backpacks.

01:12:12.000 They just got so scared.

01:12:13.000 And me and my one friend froze and then saw them running and we went to bat.

01:12:18.000 We were like kind of in between the instinct of what to do.

01:12:20.000 The bear was like where the corner of that room is and just was it was late September.

01:12:25.000 It was full.

01:12:26.000 Oh yeah.

01:12:26.000 It was going way down to get the last berries like way down low and uh It didn't care about us at all.

01:12:34.000 It just...

01:12:35.000 But you realize, like, in a split second, if this guy decides, this is a whole different story.

01:12:42.000 You know what I mean?

01:12:43.000 They can move so fast.

01:12:45.000 So fast.

01:12:46.000 Okay, the biggest brown bear, the world record, was bagged by Roy...

01:12:50.000 I like how they say bagged.

01:12:52.000 How about, just say killed.

01:12:54.000 Roy Lindsley...

01:12:56.000 In 1952, 30, 12, 16, I don't know what that means, the score, largest scoring.

01:13:02.000 We're at the size of it.

01:13:03.000 I don't know, it doesn't say.

01:13:04.000 30 feet long.

01:13:06.000 Yeah, just scroll down, scroll down.

01:13:08.000 No, it's definitely not 30 feet long.

01:13:10.000 12 feet long.

01:13:11.000 No, I think, no, they're actually measuring the skull, I think.

01:13:15.000 A cups.

01:13:15.000 I think they're measuring the skull and then 16, who knows what that is, maybe it's the length.

01:13:21.000 I was trying to find out what that meant on here.

01:13:22.000 I didn't really see anything.

01:13:23.000 Just look up how big or how much does the biggest Kodiak bear weigh.

01:13:28.000 Just Google that.

01:13:29.000 It says it weighed more than half a ton.

01:13:32.000 Oh.

01:13:32.000 That's a big bear.

01:13:33.000 It says commonly weigh more than half a ton.

01:13:35.000 No.

01:13:36.000 Yeah, I mean, that's just a thousand pounds, yeah.

01:13:39.000 I hate this website.

01:13:40.000 This website blows, bro. 0.99

01:13:41.000 This is the worst bear website ever! 0.64

01:13:43.000 Ever.

01:13:44.000 I think that's like one of them hunter websites, right?

01:13:46.000 Is it?

01:13:47.000 Bear's my favorite animal, though.

01:13:48.000 Outdoorhub.com.

01:13:49.000 Yeah, see, that's like...

01:13:51.000 Wow.

01:13:51.000 Jesus Christ.

01:13:52.000 Oh my God, that can't be real.

01:13:54.000 The size of that thing.

01:13:54.000 1,000 to 1,200 pounds can weigh up to 1,500 pounds when conditions are right.

01:13:59.000 That's not real.

01:13:59.000 Look at the size of that head.

01:14:01.000 Oh, it's real.

01:14:01.000 That's real?

01:14:02.000 Yeah, it's perspective, though.

01:14:03.000 The guy's behind it.

01:14:04.000 He's, like, hiding out, like, three feet behind the barrel. 0.97

01:14:06.000 Like, look, I killed it.

01:14:06.000 It's so big and I'm so little.

01:14:08.000 This is the skull.

01:14:10.000 It was such a big fight.

01:14:12.000 That's a hippo.

01:14:12.000 I threw a rock at him, and then with a stick.

01:14:14.000 Look at that direwolf skull. 0.99

01:14:16.000 This is what a dork I am. 0.99

01:14:18.000 I recognize that. 0.97

01:14:19.000 Which one?

01:14:19.000 Is that a dinosaur?

01:14:20.000 Which one?

01:14:21.000 That's a dinosaur.

01:14:22.000 No, it says mammals.

01:14:23.000 What is that animal?

01:14:23.000 Is that a direwolf?

01:14:25.000 Oh.

01:14:25.000 Look at those teeth, son.

01:14:27.000 Woo! 0.99

01:14:28.000 Ooh, it looks like my dog. 1.00

01:14:29.000 Good lord, look at those fucking teeth. 1.00

01:14:31.000 What is that? 1.00

01:14:32.000 Uh, Visit Paige! 1.00

01:14:33.000 What the fuck animal is that? 1.00

01:14:35.000 I think it was a parakeet. 1.00

01:14:36.000 What does it say? 0.99

01:14:37.000 It says the hell pig. 1.00

01:14:38.000 Hell pig! 1.00

01:14:39.000 Oh! 1.00

01:14:40.000 The hell pig! 1.00

01:14:40.000 I just found out about this thing a week ago. 1.00

01:14:43.000 I never heard of a hell pig. 1.00

01:14:44.000 Click on that motherfucker, please. 1.00

01:14:46.000 I'm learning new things! 1.00

01:14:48.000 This was apparently like a super predator giant pig. 1.00

01:14:52.000 I mean, fucking huge. 0.99

01:14:54.000 There was an article, like, really recently, like, within the last couple of days on it, that I saw online, where they were saying, thank God the hell pig gets extinct, or something like that. 0.99

01:15:05.000 But it was fucking huge. 0.99

01:15:07.000 It was a huge animal. 0.99

01:15:09.000 They haven't seen my family on Thanksgiving.

01:15:11.000 Hello! 0.99

01:15:15.000 Hell pig. 1.00

01:15:16.000 Wow. 1.00

01:15:16.000 Facts about the giant killer pigs. 1.00

01:15:18.000 Look at the face on that fucking thing. 1.00

01:15:20.000 Look at its haunches. 1.00

01:15:21.000 It's like a bull. 0.65

01:15:22.000 It's like a bull.

01:15:23.000 Horse. 1.00

01:15:24.000 Fucked a horse that fucked a wolf. 1.00

01:15:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:27.000 Right?

01:15:27.000 Yeah.

01:15:28.000 Like a bull, horse, wolf thing.

01:15:30.000 Yeah.

01:15:30.000 It's got a wolf face.

01:15:32.000 Like a tank of a face.

01:15:33.000 Oh, God.

01:15:34.000 Imagine that thing running at your family.

01:15:36.000 Oh, my God.

01:15:36.000 What do you do?

01:15:37.000 It says they're closer to hippos and whales.

01:15:40.000 You push the smallest one into it and run. 0.92

01:15:43.000 Dude, evolution scares the fuck out of me.

01:15:45.000 Closest to hippos and whales.

01:15:48.000 We're here definitely at a good time.

01:15:49.000 A hippo-whale thing that was huge.

01:15:53.000 I mean, they were a hippo size, too.

01:15:56.000 And I think this was...

01:15:57.000 Correct me if I'm wrong.

01:15:58.000 Where did this thing live?

01:15:59.000 It lived around people, right?

01:16:01.000 Joe, would you rather live in a world where...

01:16:04.000 Oh, 2,000 pounds.

01:16:05.000 Where all of nature's being decimated and we're drilling in national parks and it's really bleak, like everything's concrete, or...

01:16:14.000 Would you like to live in a time like this where hell pigs are running around and you had to fight for your life the whole time?

01:16:20.000 Depends on what you mean.

01:16:21.000 If I had to live back then with the weapons they had back then, because what year is this that this was going down?

01:16:27.000 These were primitive people.

01:16:28.000 When did this thing exist?

01:16:30.000 19 to 16 million years ago.

01:16:32.000 Okay, so there's no people at all.

01:16:34.000 Okay.

01:16:35.000 No, let's put them in modern day.

01:16:37.000 So if there was an animal back then that was like us, it's past the big impact, the Yucatan impact.

01:16:46.000 So that's 65 million years ago.

01:16:49.000 So those are probably like weird monkey people back then, you know? 1.00

01:16:54.000 They were fucked. 0.98

01:16:55.000 Let's update it. 1.00

01:16:56.000 Let's say the EPA has granted all of the things I wanted to be able to do, and the place is just crazy with animals. 0.54

01:17:03.000 But we have hell pigs everywhere? 1.00

01:17:04.000 Hell pigs in your garbage. 1.00

01:17:06.000 See, that's where people are gonna be- You gotta buy hell pig guards and stuff like that. 1.00

01:17:10.000 People are going to be happy that there's people that know how to hunt.

01:17:12.000 Right.

01:17:13.000 Because if there really are hell pigs, and they really do become a problem, look, the only thing that's keeping wolf populations down is hunters, and when they don't have that, you know what they do in Alaska?

01:17:22.000 They get in airplanes, they fly over them, they shoot them from the sky.

01:17:25.000 Right. 0.96

01:17:25.000 They find the packs, they locate them, and they swoop down and shoot at them. 0.96

01:17:29.000 They kill too many caribou, or they kill too many moose.

01:17:32.000 What would happen if they didn't do that?

01:17:34.000 They would get overwhelmed.

01:17:35.000 They would have massive populations of them, like they have in Siberia. 0.84

01:17:38.000 Right.

01:17:38.000 In Siberia, a few years ago, they were having these super packs of wolves, because it was a particularly horrible winter, and they would have, like, a hundred wolves would get together so they could take out horses.

01:17:47.000 Yeah.

01:17:47.000 So they would go into these barns, and then, you know, imagine you're hanging out in your house, and your barn is next door, and there's a hundred wolves tearing all the horses apart.

01:17:56.000 Oh, my God.

01:17:57.000 A hundred wolves.

01:17:58.000 So, it's okay if we... 1.00

01:18:01.000 Kill a couple things. 1.00

01:18:02.000 You have to. 1.00

01:18:02.000 It's survival. 1.00

01:18:03.000 Well, if you don't, they're going to get to the point where they were with the Russians in World War I. The Russians and the Germans in World War I, so many of them were killed by wolves that they had a ceasefire.

01:18:12.000 What?

01:18:12.000 And they decided to kill wolves.

01:18:14.000 For real?

01:18:15.000 Yeah.

01:18:15.000 And they went back to killing each other after they figured out how many, you know, they sorted it out and killed a ton of wolves.

01:18:22.000 And this friend that's coming tomorrow says he can kill one with his hands? 0.95

01:18:25.000 He believes he can. 1.00

01:18:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:18:27.000 Seems incorrect.

01:18:28.000 I just think people have this thing in their head that a wolf is like a dog.

01:18:31.000 You could probably kill a dog if he's a giant dude and the dog doesn't bite him in the right spot and he can get a hold of its neck.

01:18:37.000 He might be able to kill a dog. 1.00

01:18:39.000 I could kill a dog. 1.00

01:18:40.000 I bet you might be able to kill some dogs. 1.00

01:18:42.000 My lab? 0.98

01:18:43.000 Yeah, which depends.

01:18:44.000 Lab puppy?

01:18:45.000 Do you have a knife with you when this is going down?

01:18:47.000 Bare hands. 0.80

01:18:48.000 Choke it out.

01:18:49.000 Not easy.

01:18:50.000 Not easy to kill an animal with your hands. 0.84

01:18:52.000 You suffocate it.

01:18:53.000 Yeah, might not.

01:18:53.000 Put it in a choker hold.

01:18:54.000 It's going to be very hard to do.

01:18:56.000 Yeah?

01:18:56.000 Very hard.

01:18:57.000 A dog?

01:18:57.000 Yeah, very hard.

01:18:58.000 Have you seen my hands?

01:19:00.000 You have giant hands.

01:19:01.000 Like a massive, massive football player, man. 0.99

01:19:04.000 If you learn no jujitsu and you can get its back and you can sink the choke in, like a real proper rear naked choke, you might be able to kill it. 0.99

01:19:11.000 But I would think you would put its sleeve and then stomp its head. 0.98

01:19:14.000 That would be the move.

01:19:15.000 Yeah.

01:19:16.000 You gotta wear boots if you're going dog hunting.

01:19:17.000 Yeah.

01:19:21.000 Well, it's like an animal that we've chosen to take in.

01:19:25.000 This is our animal.

01:19:27.000 You can't eat them.

01:19:28.000 Right.

01:19:29.000 Can't.

01:19:29.000 But if you go to China, they have a whole festival.

01:19:32.000 You can eat dogs just like pigs. 0.98

01:19:36.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:19:37.000 I mean, they're supposed to be not as smart as pigs. 1.00

01:19:39.000 Yeah, you're right. 1.00

01:19:41.000 My dog is definitely not as smart as a pig. 1.00

01:19:45.000 My dog's an idiot. 1.00

01:19:46.000 I love her. 1.00

01:19:47.000 She's fun. 0.93

01:19:48.000 We just got her.

01:19:49.000 She's great, but not bright.

01:19:51.000 Do you remember when people were having pigs for pets?

01:19:53.000 Yes.

01:19:53.000 It was like a thing?

01:19:54.000 Yes.

01:19:55.000 Everyone had potbell- Not everyone, but- A lot of people. 0.99

01:19:58.000 Yeah, potbelly pigs. 1.00

01:19:59.000 What happened to all those pigs? 0.99

01:19:59.000 I bet they're not doing that great right now. 0.99

01:20:01.000 Bacon.

01:20:01.000 Old, farting in the house.

01:20:03.000 Ugh. 1.00

01:20:03.000 Ugh, it's a pig. 1.00

01:20:05.000 Barely hanging on. 0.99

01:20:06.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:20:07.000 Yeah, what do they do with those pigs? 1.00

01:20:09.000 You bring them outside and just let them go. 0.99

01:20:11.000 What do you do with those pigs? 0.98

01:20:13.000 My dog got picked up from Bakersfield. 0.98

01:20:15.000 Yeah?

01:20:15.000 A lot of people dump dogs in Bakersfield.

01:20:17.000 Why Bakersfield?

01:20:18.000 Because it's open and you can just pull off the highway and throw a tennis ball and keep going. 1.00

01:20:24.000 Oh, asshole. 1.00

01:20:24.000 Is that terrible? 1.00

01:20:26.000 God, people are assholes. 1.00

01:20:27.000 Aren't they the worst? 1.00

01:20:28.000 That's so funny.

01:20:29.000 It really is so sad.

01:20:31.000 I could not imagine.

01:20:32.000 I mean, sometimes I get mad at my dog, but not to the point of driving it somewhere.

01:20:36.000 Yeah, well, you hear those stories about someone chucking a bag of puppies out their car window, and you're like, wait, what?

01:20:41.000 Yeah, my dog was a puppy.

01:20:42.000 That might have happened.

01:20:44.000 Yeah, just a whole bag of puppies.

01:20:46.000 You couldn't do something else. 1.00

01:20:47.000 That's just dumb and lazy. 1.00

01:20:49.000 You couldn't walk into a shelter and be like, here's some puppies for you. 1.00

01:20:52.000 What's worse than dumb and lazy? 1.00

01:20:53.000 It's so fucking callous. 1.00

01:20:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:20:58.000 Like, how do you not...

01:20:58.000 If you look at a puppy, you don't get excited.

01:21:00.000 Like, aww, there's nobody. 0.96

01:21:02.000 Well, that's how they know you're a psychopath, right?

01:21:04.000 When you're a kid, it was always the kid that would torture animals.

01:21:06.000 They were concerned about that kid.

01:21:08.000 There was a kid in my class who tied a bird up once.

01:21:11.000 No, a cat.

01:21:12.000 Tied a cat like Spread Eagle and went to town on it.

01:21:16.000 Yeah, he went away for a while.

01:21:19.000 Yeah.

01:21:19.000 Well, he was weird.

01:21:20.000 He was doing weird stuff all the time.

01:21:22.000 And then the cat story got around, and they're like, all right, someone's got to do something with this guy.

01:21:29.000 He's getting weird.

01:21:30.000 Because that's a sign that you'll hurt human beings. 0.96

01:21:32.000 You're missing an empathy that makes you able to kill things.

01:21:37.000 I don't know if you were around back then, but there was someone in the...

01:21:42.000 Man, I want to say like the early 2000s, maybe.

01:21:45.000 Maybe like even before that, like maybe late 90s.

01:21:47.000 Someone was killing cats in Hollywood.

01:21:50.000 Oh, really?

01:21:51.000 I don't know if they ever caught the guy.

01:21:52.000 Really?

01:21:53.000 And by the way, note how I said guy, because I'm sexist. 1.00

01:21:56.000 And I know that most people that kill cats are fucking guys. 1.00

01:21:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:00.000 But this guy was killing cats and cutting them open and like, you know, like gutting them and shit. 0.99

01:22:06.000 Really? 0.99

01:22:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:22:08.000 Oh my god.

01:22:09.000 Almost like he was doing science projects on them, like spreading them open, pulling their guts out.

01:22:14.000 Yeah, and people would come outside and they would find their cat, not just dead, but dead and surgically cut open and pulled apart.

01:22:21.000 Oh my god.

01:22:22.000 Yeah, it was scary.

01:22:23.000 That's a guy you want to feed to a wolf.

01:22:25.000 Yeah.

01:22:26.000 Some people were speculating, though, that they were wrong, and that it was really coyotes were getting these dogs.

01:22:30.000 Well, you know what else does that?

01:22:32.000 What?

01:22:32.000 Guts cats and leaves them raccoons.

01:22:35.000 Oh, yeah?

01:22:36.000 Yeah, my neighbor's cat was killed like a raccoon that way, and they don't eat it.

01:22:40.000 They just kill it and gutted it.

01:22:42.000 Well, raccoons are predators.

01:22:43.000 Yeah.

01:22:44.000 Raccoons try to get into my chickens.

01:22:45.000 There was a raccoon the other night trying to get at my chickens.

01:22:48.000 Really? 0.99

01:22:48.000 Yeah, he wouldn't even fucking leave, man. 0.99

01:22:50.000 They're hardcore. 0.99

01:22:51.000 I was trying to scare him.

01:22:51.000 No?

01:22:52.000 I was trying to scare him. 1.00

01:22:53.000 I was like, bitch, you better get the fuck away from here. 1.00

01:22:55.000 And he just looked at me. 1.00

01:22:56.000 And I got closer to him, and he got closer to me.

01:22:59.000 Really? 1.00

01:23:00.000 I was like, oh my god, I will fucking get a bow and arrow, and I will kill you if you kill my chickens, you cunty fucking raccoon. 1.00

01:23:06.000 Because these chickens are like, they're pets. 1.00

01:23:09.000 And they're pets that live outside. 1.00

01:23:11.000 This fucking guy was hanging around by the cage, looking right at the chickens, trying to figure out how to get at them. 1.00

01:23:16.000 He'll figure it out, too. 1.00

01:23:17.000 They're smart.

01:23:18.000 Well, he'll come back.

01:23:21.000 I don't know, man.

01:23:22.000 Yeah, probably.

01:23:24.000 Take them out. 0.73

01:23:25.000 They're vicious.

01:23:26.000 Are you allowed to?

01:23:26.000 How's that work?

01:23:27.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:23:28.000 I would have to check what the laws are.

01:23:28.000 I think if it's on your property...

01:23:30.000 Are you allowed to kill raccoons? 0.99

01:23:31.000 I bet you're not just allowed to just kill them. 0.99

01:23:33.000 What, you gotta call someone and have them trap them? 0.98

01:23:35.000 Well, first of all, I have to make sure he's in a place where I can actually hit him with an arrow, ethically.

01:23:40.000 Like, I have to be able to actually make sure there's nothing behind him.

01:23:44.000 You know, I don't want to miss and have an arrow go through my neighbor's window. 0.99

01:23:48.000 Because I'm playing Robin Hood in my backyard with a fucking raccoon. 1.00

01:23:51.000 But you're good. 1.00

01:23:52.000 You know what you're doing, don't you?

01:23:53.000 I do, but you want to make sure there's nothing behind.

01:23:56.000 So he would have to be in an area of my yard where I would shoot a target.

01:23:59.000 Right.

01:24:00.000 Where there's a back wall.

01:24:02.000 You'd have to be somewhere where I could...

01:24:03.000 Yeah.

01:24:04.000 But the arrows you used to go after elk, would it go right through a raccoon?

01:24:08.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:10.000 Oh, my God.

01:24:12.000 An elk is so big.

01:24:14.000 It would go right through the raccoon. 0.95

01:24:16.000 Yeah.

01:24:16.000 Elks, that's a thousand pound animal.

01:24:18.000 The raccoon would be like, what was that?

01:24:19.000 Elk have these huge bones, man.

01:24:22.000 Those arrows just blow right through those bones. 0.97

01:24:24.000 Really?

01:24:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:24:25.000 The only thing they have a hard time going through is the really thick, big ones, like shoulder bones, scapula sometimes, like if your bow is not that powerful.

01:24:33.000 Right.

01:24:34.000 But like ribs, all the time you get what's called a pass-through, whereas the arrow goes completely through the animal before it even knows what happened.

01:24:41.000 Jeez.

01:24:42.000 Because it happened so quick.

01:24:43.000 It's just like one second, plop!

01:24:45.000 They don't even know what hit them.

01:24:47.000 That's force.

01:24:47.000 That would rip a raccoon in half.

01:24:51.000 Because bows today are...

01:24:52.000 Yeah, that's intense.

01:24:53.000 They have all this mechanical advantage because of the cams.

01:24:56.000 So compound bows are on these cams that roll over and they can generate way more force than just the amount you're pulling back.

01:25:04.000 So if you had an old school Robin Hood recurve bow, right?

01:25:09.000 Yeah.

01:25:10.000 Those bows, the more you pull them back, the harder it is.

01:25:13.000 Yeah.

01:25:13.000 Because it's like you're stretching and pulling that wood and then twang, you let it go and the arrow takes off.

01:25:18.000 But with a compound bow, they're on these cams.

01:25:21.000 So as you pull it back, that's happening.

01:25:22.000 You have these thick carbon fiber or fiberglass Limbs that are pulling back and holding tremendous amounts of energy.

01:25:30.000 And then you have these cams that roll over that impart a mechanical advantage on the whole system.

01:25:35.000 And then as you pull it back, the cams allow it to be light at the end.

01:25:40.000 So if my bow takes 84 pounds to pull back, at the end, it's only like 10 or 20% of that.

01:25:46.000 Oh, wow.

01:25:47.000 So I'm holding it with like 20% of the amount of energy that it takes to pull it back.

01:25:50.000 So it's not hard to hold on to.

01:25:52.000 And then when you let the arrow go, It's flying like 290 feet a second.

01:25:56.000 Holy cow. 0.89

01:25:58.000 Yeah.

01:25:58.000 Let's go get raccoons!

01:26:00.000 And it weighs, the arrows weigh, what's 500 grams?

01:26:03.000 How much is 500 grams in like a pound?

01:26:05.000 How many grams are in an ounce?

01:26:07.000 500 grams.

01:26:08.000 What would that be?

01:26:09.000 Because you say 500 grams, it doesn't seem to make sense.

01:26:12.000 Like what is, that doesn't make sense to me.

01:26:13.000 I don't know what that is.

01:26:14.000 That's like a pound and a half.

01:26:16.000 1.1 pounds.

01:26:17.000 1.1 pounds.

01:26:18.000 So the arrow's a pound.

01:26:19.000 So one pound arrow is going 290 feet a second and it's got a razor blade at the front of it.

01:26:25.000 Oh boy.

01:26:26.000 Yeah, a razor blade's designed to penetrate rib bones with a chisel tip to it. 0.92

01:26:32.000 Now what if you just threw a hammer at the raccoon?

01:26:35.000 You might kill it, or you might just hurt him, and then that's probably even worse.

01:26:40.000 You wound him, and he's walking around with a broken leg or something. 0.98

01:26:43.000 You know what you gotta consider?

01:26:43.000 As you're sitting there talking to that raccoon, and he's like pretending to come up on you, there's probably two raccoons flanked on either side, eyeballing you.

01:26:52.000 Do you think they operate like that?

01:26:52.000 They're like wolves?

01:26:52.000 Yeah.

01:26:53.000 Really?

01:26:53.000 Mm-hmm.

01:26:54.000 You think so?

01:26:54.000 I bet that, yeah.

01:26:55.000 Maybe that's why he's so confident.

01:26:57.000 They're crafty.

01:26:58.000 Dude, I was telling him, hey man, fuck off, and he moved closer to me. 1.00

01:27:01.000 He's like, don't you see my boys? 1.00

01:27:03.000 He's just looking at me.

01:27:04.000 I mean, he's looking right at me, and he was circling from my side, and I was like, this is crazy.

01:27:09.000 He's getting closer to me.

01:27:10.000 Holy cow. 0.89

01:27:11.000 Yeah.

01:27:12.000 Not afraid.

01:27:13.000 Dude, he wasn't afraid of me at all.

01:27:14.000 Wow.

01:27:15.000 You know what I mean?

01:27:15.000 Look, I don't want...

01:27:17.000 Anything bad to happen to the raccoon?

01:27:19.000 I just don't want them to eat my chickens.

01:27:20.000 Mine were rolling up the grass and eating bugs underneath.

01:27:25.000 I'd come out and my grass would just be rolled over.

01:27:27.000 Yeah.

01:27:27.000 They're so clever.

01:27:28.000 I know.

01:27:29.000 They have little hands.

01:27:30.000 They've got little busy hands.

01:27:32.000 Yeah.

01:27:33.000 I mean, it's such a weird relationship that we have with these things because if you raise them from the time they're pets, apparently they make these amazing pets.

01:27:40.000 Really?

01:27:40.000 Yeah, if you can catch a raccoon when he's really young and you...

01:27:43.000 You can domesticate him.

01:27:44.000 You can domesticate him and, you know, the problem with animals becomes survival.

01:27:49.000 Right.

01:27:49.000 Survival, once food is scarce and once they have to struggle for it, they will adopt a wild, feral mindset.

01:27:57.000 Right.

01:27:57.000 And those are dangerous animals.

01:27:58.000 Yeah.

01:27:59.000 Whether they're cats or dogs or they're not the same.

01:28:02.000 Yeah.

01:28:02.000 So our ideas about animals, like for a lot of people that really truly love animals, you're talking about these domesticated weirdo animals that aren't even animal-like in any way.

01:28:13.000 They're barely animal-like.

01:28:15.000 My friend who worked on a farm grew up with pigs, cows, the whole thing, and was just like...

01:28:22.000 She had no sympathy for me.

01:28:24.000 It wasn't like, we have to be kind to all these animals. 1.00

01:28:26.000 She goes, they're big and dumb and smelly. 0.99

01:28:29.000 And she just grew up with them. 1.00

01:28:32.000 See, I feel like that's kind of fucked up too, right? 0.97

01:28:35.000 It seems like it when you're not related to it. 1.00

01:28:37.000 But the reality is that there were hell pigs just going crazy. 0.63

01:28:42.000 And we had to survive, so we had to pave it and put in Jamba Juice. 0.69

01:28:46.000 But I think you need those people that are like the crazy, diehard animal activists.

01:28:50.000 Otherwise, there would be nothing.

01:28:52.000 I just want to save the parks.

01:28:53.000 Just leave Yosemite alone.

01:28:56.000 Yeah, they're going to leave it alone.

01:28:57.000 They're not doing anything to that.

01:28:59.000 The one guy, Zink, what's his name?

01:29:01.000 Zinky?

01:29:01.000 Yeah, he seems pretty decent.

01:29:03.000 Well, he's also a big supporter of keeping public lands public and not selling them to the states.

01:29:08.000 Oh, really?

01:29:09.000 Yeah.

01:29:09.000 The way it works, it's been explained to me by Steve Rinella and some other people, but the way it works is that we have all this land that's federal land, and you can go on it, you could hunt, you could fish, you could camp, you could go.

01:29:22.000 It's literally our land, right?

01:29:25.000 But if you sell it to the state, if the state has a financial burden, they'll sell it off to private corporations.

01:29:32.000 So that's the danger.

01:29:33.000 The danger is the state will come upon dire times and will be forced to sell it off.

01:29:37.000 But the federal government, they can't do that.

01:29:40.000 So as long as the people don't vote to make it the property of the state, you're okay.

01:29:44.000 It stays in the federal trust.

01:29:46.000 And if it's in the federal trust, it's managed the way it's been managed since Teddy Roosevelt was around.

01:29:50.000 So we figured out a way to do it where, as of right now, Yeah.

01:30:10.000 It's a gateway to privatization.

01:30:12.000 There's a hotly contested bill that was in the house, HR 621, by this guy Jason Chavitz.

01:30:19.000 And if you want to hear him talking to my friend Cameron Haynes on Cameron's most recent podcast, he flew to DC to talk to him.

01:30:29.000 The guy withdrew H.R. 621, which is turning over 3 million acres of land to the state, which the state could then do with whatever they want.

01:30:38.000 And the problem with that is it's a slippery slope and it eventually leads to privatization of a lot of those lands.

01:30:44.000 And especially people are scared of that with Republicans in power, especially when you see that they've lessened the EPA and all the different things they're doing.

01:30:51.000 Aggressively.

01:30:51.000 You were just talking about the environmental satellites.

01:30:53.000 All that stuff scares the shit out of people.

01:30:54.000 Yeah.

01:30:55.000 So then the next one would...

01:30:56.000 He's got HR 622, which people are also opposed to because it would be about turning over the...

01:31:05.000 Policing of those lands and the law enforcement, turning it over to the state and taking it out of federal hands, Bureau of Land Management and stuff like that, park rangers and stuff like that.

01:31:17.000 They wanted to do to local sheriffs, and then they would allocate money specifically for that, but people think that's a slippery slope, too.

01:31:32.000 Right.

01:31:44.000 Just leave them alone. 0.95

01:31:46.000 Just the parks.

01:31:48.000 Just that.

01:31:48.000 Can you just leave that alone?

01:31:51.000 Well, it's a super rare thing we have, and it's really gorgeous.

01:31:53.000 Oh, it's amazing.

01:31:54.000 It literally changed my life.

01:31:55.000 When I started in college, going backcountry with my buddies, we would just get packs.

01:32:01.000 We didn't know what we were doing in the beginning.

01:32:03.000 We literally were carrying gear in army sacks.

01:32:07.000 And we would just go into the back of Yosemite for a week and a half.

01:32:11.000 And Denver and Montana and Wyoming.

01:32:15.000 Those were life-changing experiences.

01:32:18.000 Just to sit behind the Grand Tetons in this land, it does something to you.

01:32:23.000 It changes you.

01:32:24.000 And to think that you're going to sit there and there's going to be a backhoe digging something up to look for some oil that might be under sulfur...

01:32:32.000 But you know that sound that you hear when those oil things are going, ting, [...

01:32:39.000 That's a weird sound.

01:32:41.000 It's a nightmare sound.

01:32:42.000 You're like, whoa.

01:32:43.000 It's a nightmare.

01:32:45.000 Yeah, just leave that alone.

01:32:47.000 But it's so crazy that we operate on the blood of the earth.

01:32:52.000 I mean, that's really what oil is.

01:32:54.000 Oil is like the blood of the earth.

01:32:56.000 We're like these giant mosquitoes that are using machines to suck the blood out of the earth.

01:33:01.000 And then what we do with that blood, we take it and we pollute the air with it.

01:33:05.000 That's what we do.

01:33:06.000 We burn it.

01:33:07.000 We light it on fire and we have these engines that are essentially controlled explosions contained in steel.

01:33:13.000 Yeah.

01:33:13.000 And inside you have this blood that's boiling and burning and fire and explosions are going off inside this steel box, this iron box.

01:33:23.000 And we're driving around spitting out terrible poison gas.

01:33:27.000 The worst.

01:33:28.000 What a weird thing.

01:33:29.000 Yeah, totally weird thing.

01:33:31.000 And we don't need it anymore. 0.81

01:33:33.000 Well, when you go by a factory, like a New Jersey factory, and you see those fucking plumes of smoke blowing up into the air, you're like, how are you allowed to do that? 0.97

01:33:40.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:33:41.000 How are you allowed to do that?

01:33:42.000 Would you be allowed to blow that right on a baby's bed? 1.00

01:33:45.000 I was driving down the New Jersey turnpike in college.

01:33:48.000 I was working for a fireplace company.

01:33:50.000 We were on the turnpike in the summer, like August.

01:33:53.000 No air conditioning in the truck.

01:33:55.000 Sitting there, the whole area's air was orange.

01:34:00.000 It was orange, just coming out of those smokes.

01:34:03.000 I was like, if I ever get cancer, this is the day.

01:34:07.000 This is the day it happened.

01:34:10.000 I remember these places you would go by where it just stunk.

01:34:14.000 Here's the thing, my parents, and this is not just factories, it's also farms, this is like one of the biggest producers of methane pollution in the country is the cattle industry. 0.99

01:34:25.000 And when I used to, my parents used to live in Pennsylvania, they used to live Where the fuck were they? 0.95

01:34:31.000 Outside of Wilkesbury. 0.95

01:34:33.000 I forget the name of the town.

01:34:34.000 Right.

01:34:34.000 But it was in nowhere Pennsylvania, right?

01:34:37.000 So you used to drive through.

01:34:38.000 Well, when you think of Pennsylvania, you think of Philadelphia or Pittsburgh.

01:34:41.000 Right.

01:34:41.000 But there's a lot of Pennsylvania where you're just going 30 miles an hour so you don't slam into a deer.

01:34:47.000 Some messed up deer is darting onto the highway. 0.99

01:34:49.000 You're like, what in the fuck kind of place is this? 0.99

01:34:52.000 My parents had deer in their yard every day. 1.00

01:34:54.000 Yeah.

01:34:55.000 They hated deer. 1.00

01:34:56.000 Deer like eating roses and like, get those cunty fucking animals. 1.00

01:35:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:00.000 And anyway, when you would drive down there, you would go past these farms and the smell was so bad. 1.00

01:35:08.000 You could not believe that people could live there.

01:35:12.000 The smell, because it was in the summer when I was visiting them.

01:35:15.000 It would smell like that all the time.

01:35:16.000 I'm sure.

01:35:17.000 But it was hot, too.

01:35:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:19.000 So it was hot, funky, shit smell. 1.00

01:35:21.000 And it was everywhere. 1.00

01:35:22.000 Just the air you were breathing was shit particle air. 0.99

01:35:26.000 100%. 1.00

01:35:27.000 I drove past the Hormel factory in the summer once.

01:35:31.000 Oh my god. 0.97

01:35:32.000 First of all, there's a whole bunch of pigs and stuff here behind these trucks on the way there. 0.92

01:35:37.000 And then it was like, where are they going?

01:35:39.000 And then you just see in the background this giant Hormel plant.

01:35:42.000 The smell in the summertime.

01:35:45.000 Oh! 0.60

01:35:47.000 But we have so many faces to feed.

01:35:49.000 There are so many mouths.

01:35:51.000 There's so many beings walking around right now getting hungry.

01:35:55.000 Right?

01:35:55.000 They're all getting hungry.

01:35:57.000 And they've all got to be fed.

01:35:59.000 So it's like, what's the solution?

01:36:01.000 It's a good question.

01:36:02.000 They're all hungry.

01:36:04.000 They're going to get hungry in another three hours. 0.97

01:36:06.000 They're going to crap it out.

01:36:07.000 And then they're going to eat again. 0.99

01:36:08.000 We are the zombies.

01:36:10.000 We're the zombies running around needing to feed constantly.

01:36:13.000 If you want to be able to pull into that Wendy's drive-thru and get that double cheeseburger at one o'clock in the morning.

01:36:20.000 Someone's got to pay.

01:36:21.000 I mean, you can go to the Wendy's drive-thru at 1 a.m.

01:36:24.000 and almost instantly get a cheeseburger.

01:36:26.000 Beef.

01:36:27.000 Right away.

01:36:28.000 Yeah.

01:36:28.000 Ground animal sandwich.

01:36:30.000 You don't have to feed it.

01:36:30.000 You don't have to shoot it.

01:36:32.000 You don't have to cut it up.

01:36:33.000 You don't have to grind it.

01:36:33.000 You don't have to cook it.

01:36:34.000 You don't have to find a bun.

01:36:35.000 Right in your face.

01:36:36.000 Right in your face.

01:36:37.000 And it costs like, what, four bucks or something?

01:36:39.000 It's nothing.

01:36:40.000 And then, boom, you're full.

01:36:41.000 And then you're on your merry way.

01:36:43.000 What?

01:36:44.000 It's so weird.

01:36:45.000 And it's millions, billions of people are doing that.

01:36:48.000 Billions.

01:36:49.000 Yeah, and that's the only way you can have a city.

01:36:51.000 You can't have a city where everybody's growing things.

01:36:53.000 There's not enough food.

01:36:54.000 There's no way!

01:36:54.000 How could you feed, like, if people were eating meat in particular?

01:36:57.000 Can't do it.

01:36:57.000 Even if they're eating vegetables.

01:36:59.000 Could you imagine if New York City had to be self-sustaining?

01:37:01.000 Oh, please.

01:37:02.000 I was looking just for a farm-to-table steakhouse in New York.

01:37:07.000 They don't have them?

01:37:07.000 They don't have them.

01:37:08.000 Nobody can provide that grass-fed beef to one restaurant.

01:37:13.000 One New York restaurant is going to go through so much meat in one night.

01:37:17.000 You can't do it. 1.00

01:37:18.000 Goddamn. 1.00

01:37:18.000 Just one restaurant. 1.00

01:37:20.000 When you go there, like, I only go there once or twice a year, but every time I go there, I go, oh, yeah.

01:37:26.000 I forgot how crazy this place is.

01:37:28.000 Like, this doesn't make any sense.

01:37:29.000 And then I was looking at the map yesterday.

01:37:32.000 I was looking at Lyme disease centers. 0.98

01:37:35.000 Lyme disease is goddamn scary. 0.98

01:37:37.000 It is. 0.96

01:37:37.000 And there's a Lyme disease map. 0.96

01:37:39.000 And the Lyme disease map is fascinating because it's like a giant percentage of it is like Massachusetts, New York, the East Coast.

01:37:46.000 The East Coast just overwhelmed with Lyme disease.

01:37:49.000 Overwhelmed.

01:37:49.000 I know so many people that got it.

01:37:51.000 The other thing that was weird is the shape of New York.

01:37:53.000 I was looking at it, I was like, how is all that up there, New York?

01:37:57.000 And then add to Long Island.

01:37:59.000 What is this thing?

01:38:01.000 How come you guys don't have more than one state?

01:38:03.000 This is a bunch of different states.

01:38:05.000 Yeah, you put a lot of stuff together.

01:38:07.000 Like, New York State is definitely not New York.

01:38:10.000 Yeah.

01:38:10.000 New York State might as well be Kentucky.

01:38:12.000 Absolutely.

01:38:13.000 Might as well.

01:38:14.000 Totally different.

01:38:14.000 Yeah, it's like going to Alabama.

01:38:16.000 There's some spots, like when you drive into Buffalo or something like that, where you're like, okay, where the fuck am I? Right, exactly. 0.95

01:38:21.000 Two hours outside of Buffalo.

01:38:23.000 Good luck, dude!

01:38:24.000 You might as well be in West Virginia.

01:38:26.000 You might as well be in rural North Carolina.

01:38:29.000 Yeah, the same mile away from how people are in the West Village.

01:38:34.000 Yeah, you have your cities.

01:38:36.000 You have Albany, you have Buffalo, you have Syracuse.

01:38:39.000 But those are so different.

01:38:41.000 Do you live in New York?

01:38:42.000 I lived in New Rochelle.

01:38:43.000 In New Rochelle.

01:38:44.000 Right outside the city.

01:38:46.000 It's right outside Queens.

01:38:47.000 I know where it is.

01:38:48.000 Or the Bronx, rather.

01:38:49.000 Yeah.

01:38:50.000 I lived in New York for a long time.

01:38:52.000 It's just a weird shape.

01:38:55.000 All that stuff up there is New York, too.

01:38:57.000 Yeah, I had to get Long Island.

01:38:59.000 And Manhattan.

01:39:00.000 And Brooklyn.

01:39:00.000 And Staten Island.

01:39:01.000 It's all New York State?

01:39:02.000 Yeah.

01:39:03.000 When I was a kid, when I was coming up as a stand-up, the first gig I ever got in New York, I was so nervous.

01:39:12.000 Yeah.

01:39:12.000 I couldn't believe I was doing a show in New York.

01:39:15.000 And it was a New York state room, so I had to drive up through Western Massachusetts to get into New York.

01:39:20.000 But I was so proud of myself that I did a show in New York.

01:39:24.000 Not even the city.

01:39:25.000 No, not even close.

01:39:26.000 But it was like...

01:39:27.000 It made me feel like, okay, I can do comedy in New York.

01:39:32.000 Yeah, that's a big deal.

01:39:33.000 Look at that crazy.

01:39:34.000 So White Plains, you see that in the lower right-hand corner?

01:39:37.000 Yeah.

01:39:37.000 That's where I used to live, right outside of that.

01:39:39.000 Because I used to play pool in White Plains at executive billiards.

01:39:42.000 If you go, like, see where the Y is in New Jersey?

01:39:46.000 On Yonkers?

01:39:47.000 Yeah.

01:39:48.000 That Y right there, that's about where I grew up. 0.99

01:39:51.000 Dude, look at that fucking, look at the size of that thing. 0.99

01:39:55.000 It's a beautiful state. 1.00

01:39:56.000 The Adirondacks, you ever gone through the Adirondacks?

01:39:58.000 But look how it goes all the way through the top of Vermont.

01:40:01.000 Yeah, well, it's New York.

01:40:02.000 What do you want?

01:40:03.000 But isn't that insane?

01:40:05.000 Like, what an enormous, enormous state.

01:40:08.000 Yeah.

01:40:08.000 Takes Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut.

01:40:11.000 Wow!

01:40:12.000 Look at the Catskill Mountains where Customato used to train Mike Tyson.

01:40:16.000 That's right.

01:40:17.000 And then there's Ithaca.

01:40:19.000 This is Rome.

01:40:20.000 A Rome, New York.

01:40:21.000 Utica is where I worked.

01:40:23.000 That's where I worked.

01:40:24.000 I worked in Utica, New York.

01:40:24.000 You worked in Utica?

01:40:25.000 Yep.

01:40:25.000 What'd you do there?

01:40:26.000 I did stand up there.

01:40:27.000 Ah.

01:40:28.000 I had a drive from Massachusetts.

01:40:29.000 See that Massachusetts 90?

01:40:31.000 Yeah.

01:40:32.000 I think the 90 was the Massachusetts Turnpike and then it turned into New York State.

01:40:38.000 Yeah.

01:40:38.000 Look at the...

01:40:39.000 I've done gigs in Rochester.

01:40:43.000 Buffalo.

01:40:44.000 Saratoga Springs.

01:40:46.000 There's a new club there, I hear.

01:40:47.000 You know what I used to hear all the time when I was a kid, too?

01:40:50.000 The Kipsy? 0.99

01:40:50.000 No, not the Catskills, but what was the one that's in Pennsylvania? 0.99

01:40:55.000 The Poconos.

01:40:56.000 Poconos, yeah.

01:40:56.000 The Poconos, the Mount Airy Lodge.

01:40:58.000 Yeah, you always heard about people going to the Poconos.

01:41:00.000 Isn't that where Dirty Dancing took place? 1.00

01:41:02.000 No, that was Catskills.

01:41:03.000 Oh, it was?

01:41:03.000 Yeah.

01:41:04.000 Poconos is like the champagne...

01:41:08.000 Tub.

01:41:08.000 For the Mount Airy Lodge, they had that ad on TV. And the Catskills was like where the comics would go.

01:41:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:41:15.000 That's for like those Freddie Roman type dudes.

01:41:17.000 That's right.

01:41:18.000 Wow.

01:41:19.000 Yeah.

01:41:20.000 Can you imagine if you can go back in time and watch some of that?

01:41:23.000 They used to play...

01:41:24.000 Buddy Hackett.

01:41:25.000 Hotels, little bungalows, little trailers, home.

01:41:29.000 Everybody from New York dumped up there for the weekends.

01:41:32.000 Wow.

01:41:33.000 And then the entertainers would come and they would just...

01:41:35.000 You'd do...

01:41:36.000 It was like Manhattan.

01:41:37.000 They would do a whole bunch of gigs a night.

01:41:38.000 That's the Poconos.

01:41:40.000 This is an arrow through a heart.

01:41:41.000 Also the Mount Derry Lodge.

01:41:43.000 They're all couples resorts.

01:41:44.000 All couples resorts?

01:41:45.000 Yeah.

01:41:46.000 In the Catskills?

01:41:46.000 You know the Poconos.

01:41:48.000 The Poconos is sexy.

01:41:49.000 The Poconos is sexy.

01:41:51.000 That's where you go...

01:41:52.000 Well, yeah, that one.

01:41:53.000 Hit that one up there.

01:41:54.000 Yes, that was in the ad.

01:41:55.000 That was in the ad when I was a kid.

01:41:57.000 He's moving in for a kiss.

01:41:58.000 He's got a girl floating in a...

01:42:01.000 Heart-shaped pool.

01:42:02.000 Look at that.

01:42:03.000 Oh, a heart-shaped bathtub with one of those weird roofs over there.

01:42:06.000 It's all destroyed. 0.98

01:42:06.000 You pretend like you're fucking- Oh, it's all destroyed. 0.98

01:42:09.000 Yeah, look at it. 0.99

01:42:09.000 The abandoned Poconos. 0.99

01:42:11.000 There was so much banging there.

01:42:13.000 Yeah, that's the champagne one.

01:42:15.000 Look, it's a champagne glass, and you sit in it, and you make love to your lady. 0.97

01:42:20.000 How do you get in there?

01:42:20.000 You gotta take an elevator.

01:42:23.000 Look at the Egyptian room. 0.99

01:42:25.000 This is how bored people get of having sex with each other, that they have to climb in a champagne glass. 0.91

01:42:31.000 Let's go to the Poconos, and we'll get the Egypt room. 1.00

01:42:34.000 Are you serious?

01:42:35.000 The Egypt room is so classy.

01:42:37.000 Can you really get the Egypt room?

01:42:39.000 Well, there's a waiting list, but I know a guy.

01:42:43.000 She's got her shoes off.

01:42:44.000 They got a glass of wine. 0.52

01:42:45.000 He's ready to take her from behind.

01:42:47.000 He's sneaking up behind her.

01:42:48.000 I got you a new coat from Lord and Taylor. 1.00

01:42:51.000 And that's a fuck position. 1.00

01:42:53.000 You only stay like that with someone you're banging. 1.00

01:42:55.000 Oh, yeah.

01:42:56.000 See? 0.98

01:42:56.000 Because if that was a buddy of yours, and you were sitting in his lap like that, and people walked in, they'd be like, hey, what the fuck's going on? 0.98

01:43:02.000 We're just watching the game. 0.98

01:43:03.000 This is how we cuddle.

01:43:05.000 We stay warm.

01:43:06.000 We preserve body heat.

01:43:07.000 Why are your feet off?

01:43:07.000 Why do you have your shoes off?

01:43:09.000 Why do you have bare feet on?

01:43:10.000 Are you going to climb me up to that glass or just look at it? 0.99

01:43:13.000 You have to throw her up there if you want to bang her. 1.00

01:43:17.000 That's the only way she lets you. 0.89

01:43:18.000 The Mount Airy Lodge.

01:43:20.000 You gotta throw her over your arm, like throw her over your shoulder, and then you have to climb some stuff and gently lay her down in the champagne.

01:43:29.000 Oh, that's so terrible.

01:43:31.000 Look at that.

01:43:31.000 There's another couple, different couples in the Egypt room.

01:43:33.000 So to let you know, you are not the first people to fuck in this room. 1.00

01:43:36.000 This African-American couple's been fucking in this room before you. 1.00

01:43:39.000 Oh yeah, what do you think happens there? 1.00

01:43:41.000 What do you think happens there? 1.00

01:43:43.000 That's where people go to get their fuck on. 1.00

01:43:45.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:43:46.000 They're fucking basically naked. 0.99

01:43:48.000 That dude doesn't even have any pants on. 0.99

01:43:49.000 That's like Playgirl 1975. She just gave him a handy and he said thanks.

01:43:53.000 And she just is really sensitive because she's on her period.

01:43:56.000 And they got some room service.

01:43:57.000 Look at this.

01:43:58.000 This guy's hanging from the edge.

01:44:00.000 It's gonna break.

01:44:01.000 It's gonna be like one of them Rob Drydeck videos where the champagne glass is gonna come down, crush his skull.

01:44:07.000 She's gonna fall.

01:44:08.000 She's gonna be paralyzed from the neck down. 1.00

01:44:09.000 He's gonna be dead.

01:44:11.000 And it'll all be on security camera that the Russians have captured through WikiLeaks. 0.97

01:44:15.000 There's no part of looking at the two people in the champagne glass having sex that makes you think that would be a good idea.

01:44:21.000 How about this old guy? 1.00

01:44:22.000 Yeah, I get to get my fuck on down here too, Louie. 1.00

01:44:25.000 Who needs a lady? 1.00

01:44:26.000 Who needs a lady? 1.00

01:44:27.000 I'm by myself.

01:44:28.000 I'm in the glass.

01:44:29.000 I gotta make a decision.

01:44:30.000 I can only afford one pair of glasses, so I went with the prescription sunglasses. 0.99

01:44:33.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:44:35.000 I don't like to look at the daytime, those fluorescent lights are bad for your brain. 1.00

01:44:40.000 Louie, trust me, they're bad for your brain.

01:44:42.000 My guy's a good guy.

01:44:44.000 Nobody knew what was good for you back then.

01:44:46.000 Nobody did.

01:44:46.000 It really did.

01:44:47.000 You had to go to school to find out whether or not you should eat cigarettes.

01:44:52.000 A toast to pride. 0.99

01:44:54.000 Gay dudes. 1.00

01:44:54.000 You get in that bathtub. 1.00

01:44:56.000 Gay dudes have been banging. 0.99

01:44:57.000 Everyone bangs in that glass. 1.00

01:44:58.000 Do you smell bleach?

01:44:59.000 Yeah.

01:44:59.000 That's not bleach.

01:45:01.000 Look at her.

01:45:01.000 Why do you have clothes on, Hooker?

01:45:03.000 I'm by myself in a full one-piece bathing suit.

01:45:07.000 It's more like a cheerleader's outfit.

01:45:10.000 It's so depressing.

01:45:11.000 People are so bored.

01:45:13.000 They're so bored!

01:45:17.000 Oh, God!

01:45:18.000 Can't you stay home and read a book or just take a nap?

01:45:20.000 Can you imagine if your daughter was taking dancing lessons from Patrick Swayze? 0.99

01:45:24.000 He's got that fucking silky mullet and he's dancing and moving across the floor. 1.00

01:45:28.000 No guy does that unless he wants to fuck. 1.00

01:45:30.000 Either he's fucking guys or he's fucking your daughter. 1.00

01:45:33.000 That's why he dances so good. 1.00

01:45:35.000 He likes to fuck. 1.00

01:45:35.000 He's moving his hips around. 1.00

01:45:36.000 He wants to let you know, this is how I fuck you. 1.00

01:45:38.000 I fuck you to the music. 1.00

01:45:40.000 Spinning around. 1.00

01:45:41.000 Salsa style.

01:45:42.000 Stayin' alive!

01:45:43.000 Stayin' alive!

01:45:44.000 Tight polyester pants.

01:45:46.000 Do you remember Saturday Night Fever?

01:45:48.000 You remember when it came out where everybody wanted to go dancing?

01:45:50.000 Yeah.

01:45:51.000 I was a little kid, but I remember...

01:45:52.000 Yeah, all of a sudden...

01:45:54.000 Everyone was dressing like them.

01:45:58.000 What year did Saturday Night Fever come out?

01:45:59.000 77. Was it?

01:46:01.000 Yeah.

01:46:02.000 So it was 10 years old.

01:46:03.000 The Bee Gees.

01:46:04.000 And I remember people just would go dancing all the time now.

01:46:08.000 It's true.

01:46:09.000 And they were wearing, like, all the open shirts.

01:46:11.000 My aunts were living with us at the time.

01:46:13.000 Oh, yeah? 0.99

01:46:14.000 They'd move from New Jersey or Florida, wherever the fuck they were at the time. 0.97

01:46:17.000 I think they moved with us around that same time when I was 10. I think they went dancing. 0.99

01:46:23.000 Were they Fun Ants?

01:46:24.000 Yeah, they were nice.

01:46:25.000 Look at this.

01:46:26.000 Here it is.

01:46:27.000 Yep.

01:46:28.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:46:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:46:30.000 Look at that shirt.

01:46:31.000 Open shirt.

01:46:31.000 Look at that hair.

01:46:32.000 God, I've never had hair like that.

01:46:33.000 What a great album.

01:46:35.000 It's amazing.

01:46:36.000 The Bee Gees.

01:46:37.000 The Bee Gees were incredible.

01:46:38.000 Incredible.

01:46:39.000 I wish we could play some of it on the podcast.

01:46:40.000 Who?

01:46:40.000 If you could sing like that?

01:46:42.000 He had his cigarettes on.

01:46:44.000 Cigarette smoking.

01:46:45.000 They were playing records.

01:46:47.000 And it was all about going out and everybody would go dancing and occasionally knife fights.

01:46:52.000 And that girl accidentally got that girl pregnant. 1.00

01:46:56.000 Yeah.

01:46:56.000 She was cute, but she wasn't as hot as the other girl.

01:46:58.000 I remember when she dropped the condoms in it.

01:47:00.000 I was like, what were those?

01:47:01.000 Yeah.

01:47:02.000 I didn't know what that was happening.

01:47:03.000 He's looking at a, I can't believe how good she is.

01:47:06.000 You want to give me lessons?

01:47:08.000 Next thing you know, they're banging.

01:47:10.000 She's not from his side of the track, so she really shouldn't be with him.

01:47:13.000 And, you know, he's kind of flawed, but he's got this special something, and he can really dance.

01:47:19.000 He can dance.

01:47:20.000 You can really dance, Tony.

01:47:22.000 You think so?

01:47:23.000 For real?

01:47:24.000 Yeah, you can really dance.

01:47:25.000 It was a simple time.

01:47:27.000 They just wanted to dance.

01:47:29.000 No one does that anymore.

01:47:30.000 I know.

01:47:32.000 Just had love songs.

01:47:33.000 There were so many love songs in the 70s.

01:47:35.000 Just life in general was different.

01:47:37.000 Yeah.

01:47:38.000 Came out of the Vietnam War and stuff.

01:47:40.000 He just wanted to just chill out and love a little bit. 0.50

01:47:42.000 Well, as we're getting overwhelmed with data and information, this becomes more and more ridiculous.

01:47:48.000 You look at making a movie exactly like this today, and you could make one of those step-on-up dance movies.

01:47:54.000 La La Land. 1.00

01:47:55.000 But those movies are stupid. 1.00

01:47:56.000 La La Land. 1.00

01:47:58.000 I don't know what that is.

01:47:59.000 That's the one that almost won the award?

01:48:01.000 Yeah, it was a big hit this year, and it was a musical, and there was a lot of dancing.

01:48:06.000 Well, did you see it?

01:48:08.000 I did.

01:48:09.000 How dare you?

01:48:10.000 I live with girls! 0.91

01:48:12.000 I live with girls! 0.91

01:48:13.000 The theater queens.

01:48:14.000 We weren't in the theater.

01:48:15.000 We were watching it at home.

01:48:16.000 I got the screener, and my kids wanted to see it.

01:48:19.000 I didn't really enjoy it.

01:48:21.000 Well, you listen.

01:48:21.000 It's an anomaly.

01:48:23.000 I was fighting a raccoon while they were watching it.

01:48:26.000 I was fighting a raccoon in the face.

01:48:28.000 Oh, wow.

01:48:30.000 It's a rough night.

01:48:32.000 But it was kind of this.

01:48:34.000 It was kind of dancing and la la la. 1.00

01:48:38.000 What I'm saying is this is a dumb movie. 0.99

01:48:40.000 And if you wanted to make this dumb movie today, it wouldn't be so interesting. 1.00

01:48:44.000 It would be silly. 1.00

01:48:45.000 You'd be like, this is so silly. 0.94

01:48:46.000 Yeah. 0.67

01:48:47.000 But now that people...

01:48:49.000 We know more about how people are.

01:48:51.000 Uh-huh.

01:48:52.000 You know, it's just...

01:48:52.000 It's all different.

01:48:53.000 And we've seen a lot of stuff, so things can't be so shitty.

01:48:58.000 Yeah, we've seen everything.

01:48:58.000 I was watching...

01:48:59.000 I saw someone had a thing for a speed buggy.

01:49:02.000 Remember that cartoon speed buggy?

01:49:05.000 No, I don't.

01:49:05.000 It was like a...

01:49:09.000 Speed Buggy.

01:49:10.000 Speed Buggy.

01:49:10.000 I kind of remember, yeah.

01:49:11.000 And it had the guy with the goggles, and they would do this little theme song, and they would go, Speed Buggy!

01:49:17.000 Look at this.

01:49:18.000 Right.

01:49:18.000 And they'd go, Speed Buggy!

01:49:20.000 And then Speed Buggy goes, That's me!

01:49:22.000 Wait a minute, does that have anything to do with Scooby-Doo, or are they just thieves?

01:49:26.000 Probably the same.

01:49:27.000 Those people look exactly like the Scooby-Doo people.

01:49:29.000 Yeah.

01:49:29.000 Right?

01:49:30.000 Yeah, that's Scooby-Doo instead of the car's Scooby-Doo.

01:49:34.000 Yeah, that's Shaggy. 0.84

01:49:35.000 Yeah.

01:49:35.000 That red-headed guy?

01:49:36.000 Yep.

01:49:37.000 And that's the other two people that were always hanging out with Scooby-Doo, right?

01:49:40.000 The jock and the cheerleader?

01:49:42.000 Wearing the same clothes.

01:49:44.000 Yeah, look, that's Shaggy. 0.98

01:49:45.000 And they fight crimes, and they find out who the bad guys are.

01:49:48.000 Oh, the gorilla almost gets it.

01:49:50.000 Like, see that guy in the back?

01:49:51.000 That's the jock.

01:49:52.000 And the girl in the front?

01:49:53.000 Yep.

01:49:54.000 That's like Veronica. 0.54

01:49:55.000 It was so simple.

01:49:56.000 Like, you couldn't make this now.

01:49:58.000 How about Gilligan's Island?

01:49:59.000 Speed buggy.

01:50:00.000 That's me!

01:50:02.000 Could you make Gilligan's Island without people banging? 0.99

01:50:05.000 Who the fuck would believe that show? 0.99

01:50:07.000 He's telling me the only one that's banging is Thurston Howell and his wife? 1.00

01:50:12.000 Yeah.

01:50:13.000 They're the only ones who are banging.

01:50:14.000 They're the only ones who are married.

01:50:15.000 Lovey.

01:50:16.000 Nobody else is even kissing.

01:50:18.000 Nobody.

01:50:19.000 That's right. 1.00

01:50:20.000 The sailor, the fucking, the skipper, and Gilligan, don't they have bunk beds? 1.00

01:50:25.000 They have a bunk hammock. 1.00

01:50:26.000 Yeah, is that the most obvious gay couple ever? 0.98

01:50:29.000 Get over here, little buddy. 1.00

01:50:31.000 Look at this.

01:50:31.000 Look at that.

01:50:32.000 And you have two fucking smoking hot girls. 1.00

01:50:35.000 And then there's the two camps. 1.00

01:50:37.000 Like, which camp are you?

01:50:38.000 You camp Ginger or you camp Marianne?

01:50:40.000 Right.

01:50:40.000 I like a regular girl.

01:50:41.000 I could take fishing.

01:50:43.000 Like the girl next door.

01:50:44.000 I'm more of a Marianne type.

01:50:44.000 Yeah, she looks sexy from Italy.

01:50:45.000 I want a girl that looks good on the red carpet. 1.00

01:50:47.000 I'm more of a Ginger type.

01:50:49.000 I'd rather live in Beverly Hills.

01:50:51.000 And the professor was like the intelligent one, and he wasn't that smart.

01:50:54.000 He didn't get to bang either.

01:50:56.000 Nobody got to bang.

01:50:57.000 Nobody banged.

01:50:58.000 The professor wasn't intelligent?

01:51:00.000 Not really.

01:51:01.000 Really?

01:51:01.000 It was like 70s science intelligence.

01:51:04.000 What did they know back then?

01:51:05.000 Right now he's like, look, I found a bird.

01:51:07.000 You can tell by its wings. 1.00

01:51:13.000 Meanwhile, he's not concerned that stupid bird just lets him hold it. 1.00

01:51:16.000 But birds are prey. 1.00

01:51:18.000 Like, they get eaten constantly.

01:51:20.000 Does that bird have any instincts?

01:51:22.000 If you eat it, it's probably poisoned.

01:51:23.000 This was a hit.

01:51:25.000 This was a hit.

01:51:26.000 A runaway hit.

01:51:27.000 He's rehabbing this bird.

01:51:29.000 I think, if I remember correctly, Gilligan's Island was on for far less time than we think it was.

01:51:36.000 Oh, really?

01:51:36.000 Yeah.

01:51:37.000 I believe that.

01:51:38.000 I don't think it did a few seasons.

01:51:40.000 How many seasons, if you had a guess?

01:51:42.000 I loved it when I was a child.

01:51:44.000 Were we seeing it in reruns?

01:51:46.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:51:48.000 64 to 67. See?

01:51:50.000 It's only a three-year show.

01:51:52.000 Three years.

01:51:52.000 How many episodes?

01:51:53.000 30 episodes?

01:51:54.000 That's crazy.

01:51:56.000 I guess it's four years if they did a full season for each year.

01:51:59.000 That is pretty short.

01:52:00.000 That's crazy.

01:52:02.000 How many episodes?

01:52:03.000 What does it say?

01:52:04.000 I'm trying to find out.

01:52:04.000 It might have been 30 per season.

01:52:06.000 Really?

01:52:07.000 That's a lot.

01:52:08.000 That's a lot of storylines.

01:52:10.000 That's unusual.

01:52:12.000 That's a lot of storylines.

01:52:13.000 Usually it's 22, because you would get 13, that would be your big order, and then you would get the back nine.

01:52:18.000 This was olden times.

01:52:19.000 Well, this is real olden times where they didn't get paid. 0.99

01:52:23.000 So Gilligan and Skipper and everybody, they got fucked. 0.98

01:52:25.000 They played these things. 0.98

01:52:26.000 They're playing them somewhere now.

01:52:28.000 So whoever owns them, they own it forever.

01:52:30.000 And you don't get residuals.

01:52:33.000 Wow.

01:52:33.000 Poor Gilligan.

01:52:35.000 They paved the way, though. 1.00

01:52:36.000 A lot of shitty shows. 0.99

01:52:37.000 But they still make, like, goofy shows. 0.99

01:52:40.000 You know what's interesting?

01:52:41.000 Like, all the kid shows that the kids get raised on, like these Disney shows and stuff, they're as goofy as all the stuff in the 70s.

01:52:47.000 Some of them are funny, man.

01:52:49.000 Yeah.

01:52:49.000 Dude, I've watched Dog with a Blog with my kids.

01:52:52.000 Right.

01:52:53.000 It's called Dog with a Blog.

01:52:55.000 I think it's canceled.

01:52:57.000 I think it's canceled now.

01:52:58.000 And they're all bummed out because there's no more new episodes.

01:53:00.000 My kids watched it, too.

01:53:01.000 It's a funny show.

01:53:03.000 It's good writing.

01:53:04.000 Like, it makes me laugh.

01:53:05.000 I've laughed. 0.89

01:53:07.000 It's silly.

01:53:08.000 You know, there's something to that classic rhythm of giving you jokes. 0.54

01:53:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:53:13.000 They're traditional sitcoms.

01:53:14.000 This is what sitcoms were.

01:53:16.000 Yeah.

01:53:16.000 Multi-camera and just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.

01:53:19.000 Yeah.

01:53:20.000 Which is good if the jokes are good.

01:53:22.000 Yeah, it is good if the jokes are good.

01:53:23.000 Yeah.

01:53:24.000 I don't watch them anymore.

01:53:25.000 No.

01:53:26.000 Well, they don't really.

01:53:27.000 The only ones are the ones on CBS, like Big Bang.

01:53:32.000 They're the only ones that still do it?

01:53:33.000 Yeah, they're the only ones that really do.

01:53:34.000 ABC doesn't do it anymore?

01:53:35.000 Now they're all single cam.

01:53:37.000 Still a few on NBC, like the Carmichael show.

01:53:39.000 Is that one on?

01:53:40.000 Yeah.

01:53:41.000 How do they do?

01:53:42.000 Do they do okay?

01:53:43.000 They're still on.

01:53:43.000 I think they got renewed for another season, so that's at least what they're looking for, probably.

01:53:47.000 Well, I'm sure some people still enjoy it, if we're talking about it right now, you know?

01:53:52.000 They do work.

01:53:52.000 If they're funny and there's funny characters, that's a pure, you know, it's more jokes than the single cameras.

01:53:58.000 It's a lot of work.

01:53:59.000 Have you ever done one?

01:53:59.000 You did one, right?

01:54:00.000 Well, you didn't have a sitcom, you had a TV show.

01:54:03.000 I had a sitcom for like six episodes.

01:54:04.000 You did?

01:54:05.000 Yeah.

01:54:05.000 What was it?

01:54:06.000 It's called Come to Papa.

01:54:07.000 Come to Papa.

01:54:08.000 Come to Papa.

01:54:08.000 And it was just like a little sitcom, NBC. Yeah, man, they don't...

01:54:13.000 They killed it. 0.99

01:54:13.000 They kill them. 0.99

01:54:14.000 They kill them quick. 1.00

01:54:16.000 It was really quick.

01:54:17.000 I'm glad I did it, but I would never do it again.

01:54:19.000 You wouldn't?

01:54:20.000 Nah.

01:54:20.000 Why?

01:54:21.000 It's so much work.

01:54:22.000 It's a great thing to do if you want to be an actor.

01:54:25.000 But if you want to do stand-up as well...

01:54:27.000 Right.

01:54:28.000 No way.

01:54:29.000 Especially not in the beginning.

01:54:31.000 Because in the beginning, it's ruthless.

01:54:32.000 It's like 12-hour days every day.

01:54:34.000 You're always tired.

01:54:35.000 Right.

01:54:35.000 And you're not even writing on it.

01:54:37.000 You're just acting on it.

01:54:37.000 Yeah.

01:54:38.000 Yeah.

01:54:38.000 The only good thing is sometimes you have time during the day.

01:54:41.000 You might have a couple hours break during the day.

01:54:43.000 You might even be able to go to the gym.

01:54:45.000 If you know you're not in four scenes in a row, they'll tell you, like, hey, we won't need you until noon.

01:54:51.000 You can bust out of there.

01:54:52.000 Yeah, sometimes you can bust out.

01:54:53.000 Right.

01:54:54.000 But that's not often.

01:54:55.000 But you'd be able to write a little bit, maybe.

01:54:58.000 Yeah.

01:55:00.000 And the guys who are in it and write on it, then forget it.

01:55:04.000 When all the actors go home, then you start going to work in the writer's room.

01:55:08.000 I never forget, I had lunch with Ray Romano when he was just starting to do Everybody Loves Raymond.

01:55:15.000 And it was me and him and Kevin James, and we're at Jerry's Deli, and all Ray Romano.

01:55:20.000 He's obsessed with his show.

01:55:22.000 He's like, well...

01:55:22.000 How about if I had the guy, he comes in here, he walks in this door, and that's how we set up the scene.

01:55:29.000 He just was like, the reason why that show had become that monster hit that it was, he was a great comic who was obsessed with every fiber of his being, making this a really good show.

01:55:41.000 That's not like a really, really, to this day, underrated show.

01:55:43.000 Oh, it was a great family show.

01:55:46.000 Great show.

01:55:47.000 So funny.

01:55:48.000 He's a funny dude, too.

01:55:49.000 Yeah, he is funny.

01:55:50.000 I worked with him in Queens, New York at Jimmy's Comedy Alley.

01:55:55.000 Do you ever know that place?

01:55:56.000 I heard of it.

01:55:57.000 I was never there.

01:55:58.000 It was an old bowling alley that they converted to a comedy club.

01:56:01.000 It was a great spot, man.

01:56:03.000 Was it?

01:56:03.000 It was a great spot.

01:56:05.000 It was a great spot.

01:56:06.000 And I was the middle act, and he was the headliner.

01:56:10.000 Ray Romano.

01:56:11.000 And I remember sitting back... 0.99

01:56:14.000 After I did my show, I'm going, God damn, this guy's a good joke writer. 0.98

01:56:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:56:18.000 It's so smooth and it's timing.

01:56:20.000 I ran into him at Stand Up New York, same thing.

01:56:23.000 I thought I did well and then Ray walked in and went on and I was like, oh boy.

01:56:26.000 He's so good.

01:56:27.000 He was really good.

01:56:28.000 So smooth.

01:56:29.000 Yeah.

01:56:30.000 He was talking about movie theaters.

01:56:31.000 Really in control.

01:56:32.000 He was talking about, somebody actually, I saw another guy steal his joke and I was so upset.

01:56:36.000 He did this joke about movie theaters.

01:56:39.000 He said, you go with your guy friends and there's always the I'm not a homo seat. 0.93

01:56:44.000 And he was like going off about the insecurity of men that they don't want to sit next to each other.

01:56:50.000 That's a hard schedule though.

01:56:52.000 How long were you doing it?

01:56:53.000 Five years.

01:56:54.000 Five years.

01:56:55.000 Yeah, I did it for five.

01:56:56.000 Five seasons.

01:56:57.000 That's good.

01:56:58.000 That's a good run.

01:56:59.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:57:01.000 Yeah.

01:57:02.000 Yeah, I mean, it was good.

01:57:03.000 Yeah.

01:57:04.000 It was an interesting thing to do.

01:57:05.000 We did 90, I think 98 or 99 episodes.

01:57:08.000 Wow.

01:57:09.000 It was weird, man.

01:57:10.000 It's a lot of work.

01:57:12.000 Yeah.

01:57:13.000 But good.

01:57:14.000 Yeah.

01:57:15.000 Well, no, it was an awesome thing to do.

01:57:17.000 Yeah.

01:57:17.000 But I think that today, like, back then, that's all there was.

01:57:22.000 There was no reality shows.

01:57:23.000 There was no anything else. 0.99

01:57:25.000 There was a few dramas, like cop shows and shit. 0.97

01:57:27.000 Yeah, there were multiple nights of all comedies. 0.98

01:57:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:57:30.000 Thursday night was, like, all sitcoms on NBC. Yeah.

01:57:33.000 That was, like, the big lineup, right?

01:57:34.000 Yeah.

01:57:34.000 But what do they have on Thursday night now?

01:57:36.000 Must see TV. I don't know.

01:57:38.000 I have no idea.

01:57:38.000 They have that Superstore.

01:57:40.000 And, uh, I don't know.

01:57:42.000 Is NBC Law& Order?

01:57:42.000 I don't watch any of that stuff.

01:57:44.000 Is Law& Order NBC? Yes.

01:57:45.000 What the fuck is with people? 1.00

01:57:46.000 Why are we so obsessed with people getting caught murdering people? 1.00

01:57:50.000 I don't know.

01:57:51.000 I know.

01:57:51.000 Someone was saying that there's another podcast that just came out that's really popular all about murders.

01:57:57.000 It's just murders.

01:57:57.000 People love murders.

01:57:59.000 I'm sure.

01:58:00.000 I know.

01:58:00.000 I don't get that.

01:58:01.000 They love mysteries.

01:58:02.000 Mysteries?

01:58:03.000 What's gonna happen?

01:58:05.000 Is he gonna get caught?

01:58:06.000 Will he not get caught?

01:58:07.000 You know, there's a podcast that's out now specifically about the mystery of Where's Richard Simmons?

01:58:12.000 Oh, that's my podcast.

01:58:16.000 It's called Come to Papa, but it's really about Richard Simmons.

01:58:19.000 Welcome back to Come to Papa.

01:58:20.000 I'll be in Syracuse May 14th and 15th.

01:58:23.000 And now, speaking of where I am, where's Richard Simmons?

01:58:27.000 Is that a real thing?

01:58:28.000 Oh, yeah.

01:58:29.000 It's a real podcast?

01:58:29.000 Like, they can talk multiple days about that?

01:58:31.000 Forever. 1.00

01:58:32.000 They can talk to the end of time, but they're gay. 1.00

01:58:33.000 If you're gay and you're on Adderall and you're talking about Richard Simmons, you probably keep going, keep going, keep going. 0.82

01:58:39.000 He was amazing.

01:58:40.000 He was a pioneer, okay? 0.99

01:58:42.000 Give him some fucking respect. 0.99

01:58:43.000 To the left. 1.00

01:58:44.000 He's a goddamn pioneer. 0.99

01:58:46.000 But do something about that here. 0.99

01:58:48.000 Seriously.

01:58:49.000 Seriously.

01:58:51.000 Yeah, people love murder.

01:58:52.000 I don't like murder.

01:58:53.000 I don't like hospital shows.

01:58:55.000 I don't like...

01:58:55.000 My wife was addicted to autopsy shows when she was pregnant.

01:59:00.000 It kicked in and she couldn't stop watching autopsy shows.

01:59:04.000 Oh, do you remember that HBO guy?

01:59:06.000 Yeah, I think that was it.

01:59:07.000 Dr. Michael Batten would catch people in the weirdest ways.

01:59:10.000 Yeah.

01:59:10.000 Weird.

01:59:11.000 There was one guy who was a doctor, and he had this woman, and he kept her body in his house, and he'd bring in crates and crates of perfume, and he would douse her decaying body with perfume. 0.73

01:59:23.000 And he had fastened some sort of a hole near where her abdomen was when it rotted away. 0.99

01:59:29.000 He put something there that he manufactured where he could stick his dick into it. 0.99

01:59:35.000 So he could get on top and put a mask on her. 1.00

01:59:39.000 And, you know, they were trying to figure out where the body had gone.

01:59:42.000 This guy had taken the body and brought it to his house.

01:59:46.000 It was so intense.

01:59:48.000 It was so intense.

01:59:49.000 Because I remember thinking, like, wow, this guy wanted this woman so bad that once she died, he couldn't help himself.

01:59:55.000 He had to, like, keep her body.

01:59:57.000 Now I have her.

01:59:58.000 Now she's with me.

01:59:59.000 This is what I've always needed. 1.00

02:00:00.000 Let me just keep covering her up with perfume and he would get rock hard and climb on top of her a rotting bag of bones and meat and stick his dick into her. 1.00

02:00:08.000 She's just- he's probably had like a surgical mask on. 1.00

02:00:11.000 She's like stinking of rotten meat and perfume. 1.00

02:00:14.000 I would much rather watch Bob's Burgers. 0.98

02:00:17.000 Yeah.

02:00:17.000 I got a little graphic there, folks.

02:00:19.000 You got really into it, and it was disturbing.

02:00:22.000 Well, I just want...

02:00:23.000 See?

02:00:23.000 This is why these shows are popular.

02:00:24.000 Because they're sickos like you. 1.00

02:00:26.000 No, man. 1.00

02:00:27.000 I don't even watch that anymore.

02:00:30.000 Me describing that and putting that visual image in everybody's mind is nothing like watching on TV and getting that visual image.

02:00:37.000 It's so much more innocent and less guilty.

02:00:40.000 It's worse, because now you made us a part of it, because we had to paint it ourselves.

02:00:45.000 You've got to know that those people are real, though.

02:00:47.000 Yeah, you do have to know.

02:00:49.000 Those nurse ones always freak me out. 1.00

02:00:51.000 You find some nurse who killed like 50 people, and you're like, what?

02:00:55.000 Yeah, just quietly.

02:00:56.000 Quietly poisoning people.

02:00:57.000 Yeah.

02:00:58.000 Putting these people out.

02:00:59.000 You're not doing so good, Tom Papa.

02:01:00.000 I just have a toothpick.

02:01:02.000 Toothpick?

02:01:02.000 We're going to have to amputate.

02:01:03.000 What?

02:01:04.000 Wait a minute.

02:01:04.000 Hold on a minute.

02:01:05.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

02:01:06.000 This nurse is crap. 1.00

02:01:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:01:08.000 I mean, that power rush that they must get from doing crazy shit like that. 1.00

02:01:14.000 Those autopsy shows are fucking weird, man. 0.97

02:01:17.000 It's a weird, compelling fascination. 0.98

02:01:19.000 That it happened to her while she was pregnant was like this weird, like, something physical and mental was happening.

02:01:26.000 You start getting nervous about your environment.

02:01:28.000 You're like, how safe are we?

02:01:30.000 What are people capable of?

02:01:32.000 You want to know what everything is.

02:01:33.000 And you see Ice-T kicking in the door to some house and there's a woman gagged.

02:01:38.000 Special Victims Unit, I'm here!

02:01:41.000 Body count.

02:01:42.000 My new album drops Monday.

02:01:44.000 Bum, bum.

02:01:45.000 Yeah.

02:01:46.000 You should have never done it. 0.98

02:01:47.000 Bum, bum. 0.88

02:01:48.000 Take them away.

02:01:49.000 They get them in the end, always, because it's law and order. 0.94

02:01:53.000 Bum, bum.

02:01:54.000 It's not law and hopefully we have order.

02:01:57.000 No, we enforce the law with iced tea. 0.72

02:02:01.000 Bum, bum.

02:02:01.000 And Richard Pelzer.

02:02:03.000 And Belzer.

02:02:04.000 What a weird career that is.

02:02:06.000 A comic and a rapper.

02:02:08.000 Yeah, they just go from this important comic of his time, New York, and then boom, boom, for the last 30. Just reading stale lines for 30 years.

02:02:20.000 Like, how many years was he on that show?

02:02:21.000 Yeah, I think maybe.

02:02:23.000 You think that's where the body is?

02:02:24.000 Yeah.

02:02:25.000 It's so weird.

02:02:27.000 Probably, like, I bet he was on that show for 15 years.

02:02:32.000 Boom, boom.

02:02:33.000 That's crazy.

02:02:34.000 But I guess that paycheck is just so sweet.

02:02:38.000 Why would you want to go to Giggles and Saugus?

02:02:41.000 Nah, no guy.

02:02:42.000 I'm not going to.

02:02:42.000 Do a weekend.

02:02:43.000 Some drunk asshole is going to heckle you over their pizza. 1.00

02:02:46.000 Nah, I'm done with that. 1.00

02:02:47.000 You'd have the sunglasses on and just that attitude.

02:02:50.000 Well, you moved to Paris.

02:02:50.000 Nah.

02:02:51.000 Do you remember that?

02:02:52.000 Yeah.

02:02:53.000 When you live in New York, and you work in New York, you can live in Paris.

02:02:57.000 It's not far away.

02:02:58.000 It's a five-hour flight.

02:02:59.000 It's like, yeah, it's coming here.

02:03:00.000 Yeah, it is like coming here.

02:03:02.000 You just gotta go through customs.

02:03:03.000 New York's in the middle.

02:03:04.000 And so, like, Johnny Depp lived in Paris for a while.

02:03:06.000 Yeah.

02:03:08.000 I wouldn't do that.

02:03:08.000 That didn't work out, did it?

02:03:09.000 No, because he started hammering people.

02:03:12.000 Hammering them.

02:03:13.000 I don't know.

02:03:14.000 I go on vacations, and I go to some foreign country, and you're like, this is so great.

02:03:20.000 And it's like, after a couple days, you're like, I've got to get back to the States.

02:03:22.000 Yeah, I don't understand people like, I'm moving to Costa Rica. 1.00

02:03:25.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:03:26.000 No. 1.00

02:03:27.000 You're doing what?

02:03:28.000 Right.

02:03:29.000 Exactly.

02:03:29.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:03:30.000 No, you visit there.

02:03:31.000 Yeah, that's vacation.

02:03:33.000 Yeah, what are you doing?

02:03:34.000 Why would you move there?

02:03:34.000 I want to go live there.

02:03:36.000 Costa Rica is amazing, bro.

02:03:37.000 It is amazing.

02:03:38.000 It's amazing when you visit.

02:03:39.000 But if you lived there, you would go, oh, you have to bribe the cops.

02:03:43.000 Right.

02:03:44.000 Oh, this is a total... 1.00

02:03:45.000 I was in Costa Rica on vacation with my fucking kids, dude. 0.99

02:03:48.000 I'm walking my kids on the beach, and this guy goes, hey, man, do you want weed? 1.00

02:03:51.000 Do you want coke?

02:03:51.000 What do you want?

02:03:52.000 Do you want girls? 0.99

02:03:53.000 I'm like, hey.

02:03:53.000 Listen, buddy, come on, man.

02:03:56.000 I'm here.

02:03:57.000 I want all those things, but I don't want it right now.

02:03:59.000 They don't have a real police force, fire force, the running water's intermittent.

02:04:05.000 No.

02:04:06.000 Give me convenience.

02:04:07.000 One time I was in Mexico, and I was at this resort, and they had these electric golf carts.

02:04:12.000 You could take the carts out of the resort to go to the local town.

02:04:16.000 And so we left the resort and went to the local town, and Maybe a block outside the resort, there's a full-on military compound.

02:04:28.000 I mean, full-on, with dudes standing there, fully armed, in a jeep, an armored jeep, with a bulletproof face, like a tank face, where they duck down while they're driving so they don't get shot.

02:04:41.000 And I'm watching this, and I'm like, what in the hell?

02:04:44.000 And then I realized, oh, this is to protect the resort.

02:04:48.000 Wow, my God.

02:04:50.000 Of course.

02:04:51.000 It changed my entire feeling of what I was doing.

02:04:54.000 Yeah, of course.

02:04:55.000 Before, I was like, hey, we're relaxing.

02:04:56.000 All those places.

02:04:57.000 We're on the beach.

02:04:59.000 Jamaica, man!

02:05:00.000 Yeah, we're going to have some Mai Tais and kick back and look, the sun.

02:05:05.000 It's so beautiful.

02:05:06.000 I love Mexico.

02:05:07.000 I don't know why everybody thinks it's dangerous.

02:05:08.000 LAUGHTER It's true!

02:05:12.000 There's tanks!

02:05:14.000 Think of guys with machine guns!

02:05:15.000 And if they're not there, we're all dead. 1.00

02:05:17.000 Oh, you're fucked. 1.00

02:05:18.000 You're fucked. 1.00

02:05:18.000 Because the people from the town will just go, why do they have so much and we don't- They're so poor, and then you're bringing in all these people with a lot of money. 1.00

02:05:27.000 Yeah.

02:05:28.000 Scary.

02:05:29.000 Yeah, it was weird.

02:05:30.000 I just went to the Dominican Republic.

02:05:32.000 Oh, yeah?

02:05:32.000 And they're like...

02:05:33.000 I said, where do you stay?

02:05:35.000 And they're like, Punta Cana.

02:05:37.000 That's where I was doing the show.

02:05:38.000 And they're like, that's the only place to stay.

02:05:41.000 I was like, is it that bad?

02:05:42.000 And as I'm landing, I just look up Dominican Republic.

02:05:47.000 And someone was doing a Facebook Live thing in a studio.

02:05:52.000 And some guy walked in and just shot him in the middle of it.

02:05:54.000 That was happening as I'm like...

02:05:57.000 Nervously trying to find my guides to bring me to the resort.

02:06:00.000 It's always just on the outskirts of these places.

02:06:04.000 Yeah.

02:06:04.000 Well, that was going on in Acapulco.

02:06:06.000 I remember during the drug war when it was at its worst.

02:06:10.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:11.000 The Mexican drug war was going on down there.

02:06:13.000 In Acapulco, a bunch of people got shot. 1.00

02:06:15.000 Like tourists and shit. 1.00

02:06:16.000 Jeez. 1.00

02:06:17.000 No, it's serious stuff.

02:06:34.000 Yeah, they would grow weed in Acapulco.

02:06:35.000 They were called Acapulco Gold.

02:06:37.000 Acapulco Gold. 1.00

02:06:38.000 That was the shit. 1.00

02:06:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:06:39.000 Remember that?

02:06:40.000 I got the shirt.

02:06:41.000 I never had any of that stuff.

02:06:42.000 Me neither.

02:06:42.000 That was back when I didn't smoke weed.

02:06:43.000 I bet it wasn't that great.

02:06:45.000 Not compared to this science weed they have now.

02:06:47.000 No way.

02:06:49.000 No way. 1.00

02:06:49.000 These goddamn wizards. 1.00

02:06:51.000 Yeah, I get uncomfortable in those places. 1.00

02:06:53.000 I always want to be like the cool photojournalist who kind of hangs out with the people and doesn't worry and just goes to their house and has a meal.

02:07:02.000 But I'm totally on guard and nervous when I'm in places like that.

02:07:06.000 Especially if I'm with my family. 0.90

02:07:07.000 Yeah, well, if you're in a real poor area and you're a bunch of wealthy white people that are fucking vacationing, it's weird because the area needs it because it provides, you know, like your revenue comes in and it helps them and it gives people that live there jobs. 0.83

02:07:22.000 Yeah. 0.90

02:07:23.000 But it's, again, like we were talking about going outside of Albany.

02:07:27.000 You just drive two hours outside of Albany. 0.99

02:07:29.000 Like, where the fuck am I? It's the same thing out there. 0.99

02:07:31.000 Same, yeah.

02:07:32.000 But probably more extreme.

02:07:33.000 Right, exactly, because there's not as many cops.

02:07:35.000 Yeah.

02:07:36.000 Right?

02:07:36.000 Yeah.

02:07:37.000 Yeah, and being a cop is a different thing.

02:07:39.000 Yeah.

02:07:40.000 If everybody's corrupt.

02:07:41.000 Right.

02:07:42.000 You see Narcos?

02:07:43.000 Yeah.

02:07:44.000 Woo! 1.00

02:07:46.000 Goddamn. 1.00

02:07:47.000 Intense. 1.00

02:07:47.000 Goddamn, that's a good show. 1.00

02:07:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:07:49.000 Narcos is scary. 0.99

02:07:50.000 Pablo Escobar lived a fucking crazy life. 1.00

02:07:53.000 What a crazy life with his pot belly. 1.00

02:07:57.000 How did he do that?

02:07:58.000 I know!

02:07:59.000 It's amazing how far some people get with insane behavior.

02:08:02.000 It really is amazing, isn't it?

02:08:04.000 Whoa, that guy was...

02:08:05.000 Just completely like, no, I'm gonna make this work.

02:08:08.000 This is how my head works.

02:08:09.000 Man, he was blowing up government buildings and...

02:08:12.000 Airplanes?

02:08:13.000 Yeah.

02:08:14.000 Scary.

02:08:14.000 Built his own jail.

02:08:15.000 Put himself in a jail.

02:08:17.000 Partying in there.

02:08:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:08:18.000 Bringing in bitches and playing pool. 0.99

02:08:20.000 Handing out cash to the people. 0.99

02:08:22.000 He was a hero.

02:08:23.000 Then afterwards he's like, you know what? 0.99

02:08:24.000 I'm tired of being in this fucking place. 1.00

02:08:25.000 Murdered a guy in the jail. 1.00

02:08:27.000 Beat him in the head with a bat. 0.98

02:08:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:08:29.000 And then he's like, ah, fuck this place. 1.00

02:08:31.000 I'm getting out. 1.00

02:08:32.000 I'm leaving.

02:08:33.000 Just left.

02:08:34.000 His little sneakers.

02:08:35.000 So crazy.

02:08:36.000 Running down the path.

02:08:37.000 But this is all real.

02:08:39.000 I know.

02:08:39.000 It's insane.

02:08:40.000 You really did all these things.

02:08:41.000 It's insane.

02:08:42.000 When you think how far that is from how you live your life.

02:08:45.000 You know what I mean?

02:08:47.000 It's so far away.

02:08:49.000 And it just happened.

02:08:50.000 Yeah, it's happening right now.

02:08:51.000 Some new guys on his way working up the ladder. 0.99

02:08:54.000 How about when Sean Penn went down and met El Chapo and took that fucking picture with him? 0.99

02:09:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:09:01.000 It's like, how crazy is Sean Penn?

02:09:04.000 Was there ever an article about that?

02:09:06.000 Was there ever an interview with him?

02:09:07.000 He wrote it.

02:09:08.000 Sean Penn wrote it.

02:09:09.000 I never read it.

02:09:10.000 I read it.

02:09:10.000 I remember the thing going down, but I don't remember.

02:09:13.000 It was weird.

02:09:14.000 I was like, I don't understand what he was trying to do.

02:09:17.000 Why he decided to do that. 1.00

02:09:19.000 Look at that fucking picture. 1.00

02:09:20.000 That picture is insane, dude. 1.00

02:09:22.000 Why did he do it? 0.99

02:09:23.000 Because he's crazy. 1.00

02:09:24.000 He's a wild man. 0.99

02:09:25.000 Sean Penn is a wild man.

02:09:27.000 I mean, he really is.

02:09:28.000 You have to be to do this.

02:09:30.000 I had one opinion of him before, and then I had a different opinion of him after this.

02:09:33.000 This guy, he actually did that.

02:09:36.000 He actually went there.

02:09:38.000 Into the woods, right?

02:09:39.000 Didn't they put a hood over him or a blindfold and take him to the woods?

02:09:41.000 I don't remember how it all happened, but there was some girl who was friends with El Chapo. 0.98

02:09:46.000 El Chapo's probably slinging dick her way the same way. 0.96

02:09:49.000 You know, the same way Pablo Escobar was that really hot reporter. 0.99

02:09:53.000 The reporter, yeah.

02:09:54.000 So El Chapo was probably stuffing that girl, too.

02:09:56.000 And he's like, I want you to give me Sean Penn.

02:09:58.000 Right.

02:09:59.000 You're exactly right.

02:09:59.000 That's exactly what happened.

02:10:01.000 She's like, I don't know.

02:10:02.000 I don't know if he'll do it.

02:10:04.000 He'll do it.

02:10:05.000 He'll do it.

02:10:06.000 Give me Sean Penn.

02:10:07.000 I want that boy from Colors.

02:10:10.000 Get me the dude from Fast Times at Ridgewood High.

02:10:14.000 He'll understand the good part of drugs.

02:10:16.000 That's right, he was in colors.

02:10:18.000 He was in colors. 0.99

02:10:18.000 I am a nightmare walking, psychopath talking. 0.99

02:10:21.000 Iced tea. 0.97

02:10:22.000 It goes full circle.

02:10:23.000 We're back to iced tea again.

02:10:24.000 I did a show last night, a charity show, and Common was on the show.

02:10:28.000 The rapper turned, now he's a big time actor, right?

02:10:32.000 Actor and poet.

02:10:33.000 Poet.

02:10:34.000 Yeah, he's a poet.

02:10:35.000 Slow your roll, son. 1.00

02:10:37.000 Just because you make shit rhyme. 1.00

02:10:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:10:40.000 I'm published.

02:10:41.000 He's a positive force, that guy.

02:10:44.000 That's good.

02:10:45.000 He's a good one, for sure.

02:10:46.000 That's nice.

02:10:46.000 Yeah.

02:10:47.000 I was impressed.

02:10:48.000 The world needs more poets, Tom Papa.

02:10:50.000 It sure does.

02:10:51.000 Not really.

02:10:51.000 Let me count the ways.

02:10:53.000 Poetry boy, that's one thing.

02:10:55.000 You better be good.

02:10:57.000 You better be good.

02:10:58.000 You're right.

02:10:59.000 And even if you are, half the people are going to hate it.

02:11:01.000 It's like a comic.

02:11:02.000 It's like, if you're bad, it's really bad.

02:11:04.000 And even if you're good, half of you are going to hate it.

02:11:06.000 Right.

02:11:06.000 There's going to be a certain amount of people that hate you no matter what.

02:11:08.000 You can do your best shit ever. 0.99

02:11:10.000 And some people could say, like, you'll get like four tweets in a row about a special, fucking amazing, amazing, very disappointed. 0.99

02:11:19.000 There's going to be people that hate everything. 0.72

02:11:21.000 Yeah.

02:11:21.000 In your audience of people who are coming to see you, there's going to be a couple people like, meh.

02:11:27.000 And there's also people that you're never going to make happy no matter what.

02:11:29.000 No. 0.98

02:11:30.000 Because they're just twats. 1.00

02:11:31.000 They just suck. 1.00

02:11:34.000 Twat's such a fun word. 1.00

02:11:35.000 It's a great word.

02:11:36.000 Twat is a good one.

02:11:37.000 They let us say twat on TV. You can say twat on TV, right?

02:11:41.000 You can say twat?

02:11:42.000 I bet you can.

02:11:43.000 I don't think you can say twat. 0.99

02:11:44.000 If a girl says it, my mom's a twat. 1.00

02:11:46.000 My mom's a twat. 1.00

02:11:47.000 You can't say lick my twat. 1.00

02:11:48.000 You can't say lick my twat. 1.00

02:11:49.000 If a girl says lick my twat, you should really think about not doing it. 1.00

02:11:53.000 Any girl that says lick my twat, you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's a twat? 1.00

02:11:56.000 You're what? 1.00

02:11:57.000 Okay.

02:11:58.000 What do you call it?

02:11:59.000 I was banging this girl once. 1.00

02:12:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:03.000 Back in the Disney, when I was 20, and she was the first girl to ever call her pussy a cunt. 1.00

02:12:08.000 She said, I want you to fuck me in my cunt. 1.00

02:12:10.000 I was like, whoa. 1.00

02:12:11.000 Hello. 0.98

02:12:12.000 This girl was crazy. 0.98

02:12:14.000 She was one of those nether regions girls. 0.99

02:12:16.000 She was like the wildings.

02:12:17.000 You know how the wildings were in the Game of Thrones?

02:12:21.000 Yeah.

02:12:21.000 You know those people that lived out in the land between the kingdoms?

02:12:24.000 Right.

02:12:24.000 She lived in Connecticut, which is my map.

02:12:27.000 Yeah.

02:12:28.000 That's where the Wildings live.

02:12:30.000 Those weird towns.

02:12:32.000 Between New York and Massachusetts. 0.94

02:12:33.000 Westbury, Connecticut or some shit like that. 0.94

02:12:35.000 You're like, what are you doing here? 0.99

02:12:37.000 She was just crazy.

02:12:39.000 Was she really? 1.00

02:12:40.000 She was so crazy. 0.92

02:12:41.000 She was so crazy, I went to the bathroom once and she gave my friend her phone number like immediately. 1.00

02:12:46.000 This is after I'd already been having sex with her. 1.00

02:12:48.000 I had sex with her that day. 0.99

02:12:50.000 And she gave my friend her phone number. 1.00

02:12:51.000 She was crazy. 0.53

02:12:54.000 Any guy that would not tell you that some girl you're dating gave him her number, that's like a bad guy to have. 0.78

02:13:05.000 Did he tell you? 1.00

02:13:06.000 Fuck yeah, he did. 1.00

02:13:07.000 Oh, that's good. 1.00

02:13:07.000 Yeah, he goes, dude. 1.00

02:13:08.000 He goes, that crazy bitch, as soon as you went to pee, she gave me her number. 1.00

02:13:13.000 I go, no way. 1.00

02:13:13.000 He showed me the piece of paper. 1.00

02:13:15.000 I go, that's cute.

02:13:16.000 He goes, go show it to her.

02:13:17.000 I go, okay.

02:13:18.000 I go, did you leave this with my friend?

02:13:22.000 No.

02:13:22.000 Yes, I did.

02:13:23.000 You called her out?

02:13:24.000 Yeah, I started laughing.

02:13:25.000 What'd she say? 1.00

02:13:26.000 She was so stupid. 1.00

02:13:27.000 She was crazy. 1.00

02:13:28.000 She was more crazy than she was stupid. 1.00

02:13:30.000 And did you see her often? 1.00

02:13:32.000 I saw her when I would go to Connecticut.

02:13:34.000 Right.

02:13:35.000 Like, every, you know, five, six months for like a year and a half.

02:13:39.000 Right.

02:13:39.000 And then the last one was like, I gotta stop.

02:13:42.000 I gotta stop hanging out with this girl. 1.00

02:13:43.000 She was way too crazy.

02:13:45.000 She came to one of my comedy shows and she brought these people that might as well have been screaming baboons trapped in a cage at the zoo while people threw water balloons at them. 0.89

02:13:56.000 They were screaming.

02:13:58.000 They were heckling and screaming and then I got on stage and I left her there.

02:14:02.000 I left her and her friends there.

02:14:04.000 I just bolted.

02:14:04.000 As soon as I got off stage, I just went outside, got in my car, and just drove.

02:14:08.000 And back then, when you drove, you were gone, man.

02:14:11.000 Nobody had a cell phone.

02:14:13.000 That's right.

02:14:13.000 You could escape.

02:14:14.000 You literally could escape.

02:14:16.000 I actually had a cell phone before that, but I couldn't afford it anymore, so I didn't have a cell phone.

02:14:20.000 I had a car phone.

02:14:21.000 For a while, like 1989. Nice.

02:14:24.000 This was like a year or two after that.

02:14:26.000 It was like 90 or 91, so I don't even think anybody could get a hold of me.

02:14:28.000 How cool.

02:14:29.000 You could just get in a car and go.

02:14:31.000 Oh, yeah.

02:14:31.000 No one could find you.

02:14:32.000 You just go.

02:14:33.000 That's so great.

02:14:34.000 Well, I used to have these, like, one of those things I really like about these yellow legal pads is that these yellow legal pads, to me, they have, like, this different feel to them because that's what I would write all the directions.

02:14:47.000 To any of the places that I would go to.

02:14:49.000 Right.

02:14:50.000 Because there was no internet back then.

02:14:51.000 So you would get, like, a gig from, like, the Comedy Connection.

02:14:54.000 Like, Billy Downs would be booking a room.

02:14:56.000 You'd call him up.

02:14:56.000 And he would give you the directions.

02:14:58.000 Yeah.

02:14:58.000 Okay.

02:14:59.000 You ready?

02:14:59.000 You got a pen?

02:15:00.000 You got a pen?

02:15:01.000 Yeah.

02:15:01.000 Hold on a second.

02:15:02.000 And it was always, I would write it all on these yellow legal pads.

02:15:06.000 And then I would write down the address, the directions, how to get there, what to look for.

02:15:11.000 There's a third bar, and that's the one you want to turn. 0.98

02:15:13.000 And then you'll see the fucking Wings hut. 0.98

02:15:16.000 Is that amazing? 1.00

02:15:17.000 So crazy.

02:15:18.000 It's amazing.

02:15:19.000 I would have them with me and I'd be all excited because I'd look at that piece of paper.

02:15:22.000 I'd be like, I'm a hitman.

02:15:23.000 Yeah.

02:15:24.000 I'm going out to do a job.

02:15:25.000 You know, that's what it felt like.

02:15:26.000 Yeah.

02:15:27.000 Out in the middle of nowhere.

02:15:28.000 Badass.

02:15:28.000 I'm driving out in the middle of nowhere to go to a game.

02:15:31.000 The disconnected lands.

02:15:32.000 Yeah.

02:15:32.000 You go to these places.

02:15:33.000 Like in New Hampshire and shit. 0.99

02:15:35.000 Yeah, one-nighters. 0.99

02:15:36.000 Just drive.

02:15:37.000 Vermont.

02:15:37.000 Do a show.

02:15:38.000 Drive back.

02:15:39.000 Same night.

02:15:39.000 Yeah.

02:15:40.000 I met this pretty girl once in Maine. 0.86

02:15:42.000 She was really pretty.

02:15:43.000 And she had nose rings. 0.96

02:15:46.000 I think she had two nose rings. 0.99

02:15:48.000 I think she had a ring in each nostril.

02:15:50.000 And, like, she was still pretty.

02:15:51.000 Yeah, if you're pretty, that works.

02:15:52.000 But it was, you know, and we were hanging out, and it was just too heavy.

02:15:56.000 It's like she was so trapped in this weird Maine town.

02:16:00.000 Oh, yeah.

02:16:00.000 And I was only, you know, 21, and I was seeing, like, where her path was, where my path was.

02:16:06.000 Right.

02:16:07.000 And, like, I didn't even want to have sex with her because of it. 0.96

02:16:10.000 Oh, really? 0.96

02:16:10.000 It was so heavy. 0.96

02:16:11.000 Because you knew that...

02:16:12.000 She was trapped in this, like, weird land. 0.95

02:16:14.000 And if you had sex with her, you would have to either get her out? 1.00

02:16:16.000 I would have some sort of a bond with her. 0.99

02:16:18.000 Right?

02:16:18.000 Well, not that I would get her out.

02:16:20.000 I was just like...

02:16:20.000 The whole thing to me was, like, so bonkers.

02:16:24.000 It's like she was describing her life and all the different people in her family that were abusive and all this craziness.

02:16:31.000 I was like, oh my god, this is so heavy.

02:16:33.000 Right. 1.00

02:16:34.000 And I realized if you, just by an unfortunate roll of the dice, were literally shat out of your mom's vagina in the forest... 1.00

02:16:43.000 And there's some weird bar that everybody in this forest town gravitates to. 0.99

02:16:48.000 And then some industrious person from Boston decides, well, we're going to book that bar.

02:16:53.000 And we would drive up to those places and meet these poor people that were trapped there. 0.99

02:16:58.000 And some of them are cool as fuck. 0.96

02:16:59.000 Some of them are really cool. 0.98

02:17:01.000 Some of them have great family.

02:17:02.000 Some of them love it up there.

02:17:03.000 Yeah.

02:17:04.000 But not this girl.

02:17:05.000 Yeah.

02:17:06.000 Trapped.

02:17:07.000 I'll never forget.

02:17:08.000 Like her just...

02:17:08.000 Well, especially at that age, imagine being a girl in that situation where it's just like, these animals, one of these guys in this pack is going to be the one.

02:17:18.000 Yeah.

02:17:19.000 Or some new dude who just came out of town, from out of town to tell jokes.

02:17:24.000 At least now with social media, you see that there's options out there.

02:17:28.000 Like, you see other people living lives in different places.

02:17:31.000 Sure.

02:17:31.000 So you can, at least you're aware that there's another, there's somewhere I could go.

02:17:36.000 Well, also, you are also aware that there's other communities where you could probably thrive in.

02:17:40.000 You can make friends online, and you can literally find out where's a good place to live.

02:17:45.000 You can get a job online.

02:17:47.000 You can save up your money.

02:17:48.000 You can go somewhere, and you can get out of there.

02:17:50.000 Yeah.

02:17:51.000 This is what I was thinking.

02:17:52.000 Don't you remember that there were kids working places all the time when you were growing up?

02:17:59.000 Oh, yeah.

02:17:59.000 From the time I was like 14, kids were working.

02:18:01.000 Yeah.

02:18:02.000 There'd be kids working at the diner, there'd be kids working at the pizza place, at the ice cream shop, at the gas station.

02:18:08.000 You don't see kids working anymore.

02:18:10.000 It's true.

02:18:11.000 Why?

02:18:12.000 What happened?

02:18:13.000 Are the jobs just taken by adults who need them? 1.00

02:18:15.000 Goddamn Mexicans come over here and steal our children's jobs. 1.00

02:18:19.000 It used to be a good job for children. 1.00

02:18:21.000 Is that just where we grow up that there's no kids working?

02:18:23.000 Like, are they doing it?

02:18:24.000 Yeah, we live in California.

02:18:25.000 There's all these white people out here. 0.72

02:18:27.000 Yeah, but I grew up in New Jersey, and we weren't that far from the city.

02:18:31.000 See, again, we're old people talking about young people.

02:18:33.000 These kids today.

02:18:34.000 No, we're not.

02:18:35.000 Yeah, we don't know.

02:18:36.000 It's like what we're talking about with high school. 0.99

02:18:37.000 They don't fucking know what they're talking about. 0.99

02:18:39.000 We're not judging them. 0.99

02:18:41.000 Dudes in their 40s talking about high school.

02:18:42.000 We're trying to learn.

02:18:43.000 But there used to be kids working everywhere.

02:18:45.000 We're speculating now.

02:18:46.000 We don't know.

02:18:48.000 People get upset if you're speculating. 0.99

02:18:50.000 See that shit somebody did on Twitter, some comic dude, got mad at me. 1.00

02:18:55.000 Because I was talking to Gavin about gay people. 1.00

02:18:58.000 We were talking about, not even gay people, we were talking about specific incidences that have been in the news.

02:19:05.000 Like Milo Yiannopoulos having that thing fall out from under him because he said it's acceptable for older men. 0.95

02:19:12.000 He was essentially saying it's acceptable for older men to have sex with younger men. 0.98

02:19:14.000 Right, 13 year old boys.

02:19:16.000 And then we're talking about George Takai, who talked about that as well.

02:19:19.000 It happened to him at summer camp. 0.99

02:19:21.000 Like some older dude had sort of busted moves on him and jerked him off and shit. 1.00

02:19:26.000 And it was pleasurable and he enjoyed it. 0.99

02:19:27.000 And we were talking about it like, wow, it's like, it's an intense, intense subject.

02:19:32.000 This guy got upset that we were talking about it without a gay perspective.

02:19:35.000 So you're not allowed to speak about it? 0.99

02:19:38.000 Attention whoring. 0.97

02:19:38.000 Trying to figure it out? 0.97

02:19:39.000 I think it was attention whoring and maybe he just saw the green light to be upset and so he went for it but it wasn't rational.

02:19:45.000 A comic?

02:19:46.000 Yeah.

02:19:47.000 Guy Branum, is that his name?

02:19:48.000 Whatever.

02:19:50.000 We worked it out online.

02:19:51.000 He was friendly afterwards and he apologized and I apologized.

02:19:55.000 Right, right, right.

02:19:55.000 It was one of those things where it's like people though do get, they tend to feel like they're allowed to get upset if you're talking about something that you don't have experience with.

02:20:03.000 I know.

02:20:04.000 Even if it's something in the news.

02:20:05.000 But you can't discuss it. 0.98

02:20:05.000 It's ridiculous. 0.98

02:20:06.000 Right. 0.98

02:20:06.000 You're not allowed to try and figure it out. 0.98

02:20:08.000 Well, that's...

02:20:08.000 That's what learning is.

02:20:10.000 That's what learning is.

02:20:10.000 Coming from something that you don't know anything about and asking questions and having a discussion about it.

02:20:16.000 That's when you know something's bullshit, when you're not allowed to talk about it. 0.98

02:20:19.000 You're not even allowed to talk about it. 0.99

02:20:20.000 Right.

02:20:21.000 You can't discuss even politely.

02:20:22.000 Right.

02:20:23.000 You can't respectfully talk about it. 1.00

02:20:24.000 Well, then your thing is bullshit. 1.00

02:20:26.000 Right. 1.00

02:20:26.000 You know? 1.00

02:20:27.000 Yeah, you have no argument.

02:20:28.000 You have no side.

02:20:29.000 Yeah.

02:20:29.000 Well, there's always this thing, right, and this is a big thing in certain circles when it comes to disenfranchised people, or you hear when it comes to gender and sex, you hear it like, you know, you should, like, that's one of the wonderful things that male feminists love to say.

02:20:44.000 They love to say, just shut up and listen to the women. 1.00

02:20:47.000 You need to shut up and listen to the women. 1.00

02:20:49.000 Well, that's crazy.

02:20:50.000 You should never shut up, because even if you're being respectful, if someone says something and you like them to clarify, or you're confused, or maybe you have some information that they might not be aware of, that might change their thought on things, like, being engaged in a conversation with someone is not necessarily a negative thing,

02:21:06.000 but everyone is assuming that if you're not a girl, you shouldn't talk about girl issues.

02:21:11.000 That's crazy!

02:21:12.000 Right, you shouldn't have any perspective because you're not part of the world.

02:21:14.000 If you're not a girl, if you're not a guy, if you're not gay, if you're not straight, if you're not... 0.58

02:21:18.000 You shouldn't talk about it.

02:21:19.000 So what you're saying when you're asking people not to talk about it is you're saying it should be better if your whole part of the population stays ignorant of what's going on and we just stay where we are.

02:21:31.000 Just listen.

02:21:31.000 I'll tell you.

02:21:32.000 You just listen.

02:21:33.000 I'll tell you.

02:21:34.000 That's crazy.

02:21:35.000 That's completely insane.

02:21:36.000 Well, it's a power thing.

02:21:37.000 That's what it is.

02:21:38.000 And when certain things develop too much social clout, when subjects hit this critical mass of social clout, or when the whole Bruce Jenner thing was going on, when you had to say that she was beautiful, and you had to say that you accepted it, and you had to say it was amazing. 0.96

02:21:52.000 Wasn't she just a fucking Kardashian just a little while ago? 0.98

02:21:54.000 Isn't this a ridiculous, insane family? 1.00

02:21:56.000 And wasn't this guy the dumbest one on the show? 1.00

02:21:59.000 What just happened? 1.00

02:22:00.000 Didn't this guy just push a lady into traffic with his car because he wasn't paying attention and killed her?

02:22:05.000 And we don't pay attention to that, but we pay attention to this whole gender change. 1.00

02:22:10.000 Yeah, it's going to make you give a pass to all that other behavior.

02:22:13.000 And it'll make you seem like a really progressive and open-minded person if you say all the right things.

02:22:18.000 Tom Papa, what's your opinion?

02:22:20.000 Well, let me just say, I think she's very brave and she's beautiful.

02:22:24.000 And a hero.

02:22:24.000 Right?

02:22:26.000 She's a hero.

02:22:27.000 You know what I kept doing with my daughters to drive them crazy? 1.00

02:22:32.000 They were 11 and 14 and were watching the Oscars.

02:22:34.000 Anyone that came on that was a little chubby, male or female, I would just say, oh my god, look at him.

02:22:39.000 He's so brave.

02:22:41.000 Look at her.

02:22:42.000 She's so brave.

02:22:44.000 Dad, that's just a new way to say you think she's fat. 1.00

02:22:46.000 No, I think, look at that.

02:22:48.000 I mean, she's wearing that dress on TV. Dad! 1.00

02:22:51.000 My five-year-old doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

02:22:53.000 My five-year-old, well, she's six now, but when she was five, she was watching Caitlyn Jenner, my youngest, I should just say. 0.99

02:22:58.000 She was watching Caitlyn Jenner on TV, and she goes, Daddy, why does that man wear dress and makeup like that?

02:23:06.000 She's, like, shaking her head.

02:23:07.000 She goes, why does that man wear dress and makeup like that?

02:23:10.000 I go, I don't know.

02:23:11.000 That's how she identifies.

02:23:14.000 That's a she now. 1.00

02:23:14.000 She turns from a man into a woman. 1.00

02:23:16.000 And she just looked at me, and she just, like, leaned her head back and raised her eyebrows.

02:23:20.000 Yeah.

02:23:21.000 She walked away. 1.00

02:23:23.000 I was like, that kid just, she left the room.

02:23:25.000 She just left the room. 1.00

02:23:26.000 She's like, bitch, please. 1.00

02:23:28.000 Without saying it, she said, bitch, please. 1.00

02:23:30.000 She pulled her chin closer to her chest, lifted her eyebrows up, and then just, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

02:23:36.000 You just told me that that man turned into a woman. 0.98

02:23:39.000 I know it's a man.

02:23:40.000 I'm looking at her.

02:23:41.000 It's a man.

02:23:42.000 Daddy.

02:23:42.000 She's like, daddy, why does that man have a dress on and makeup?

02:23:47.000 And I was like, well, she used to be a man, but she became a woman. 0.99

02:23:50.000 I like her walking out of the room as kind of blaming you, too. 0.94

02:23:52.000 Like, all you adults are a mess. 1.00

02:23:54.000 She's like, you are retarded. 1.00

02:23:56.000 That can't even happen. 0.99

02:23:57.000 I'm six and I know it can't happen.

02:23:59.000 Or five at a time.

02:24:00.000 Daddy, I'm not stupid. 1.00

02:24:01.000 Oh, you think I'm stupid, okay? 1.00

02:24:03.000 Yeah, this is some Santa Claus bullshit. 1.00

02:24:05.000 You're fucking running by me. 1.00

02:24:06.000 I think I'm supposed to think the Tooth Fairy comes in and sneaks money under my seat. 0.99

02:24:11.000 The whole thing is so funny.

02:24:14.000 I mean, that is a big part of what the election was about.

02:24:20.000 You making us say and think things or just letting things be real.

02:24:25.000 Well, it goes in cycles.

02:24:26.000 We go one way and we go the other way.

02:24:28.000 And that's what it is.

02:24:29.000 It's just like we got tired of people going so hard politically correct, but you see how there's progress in that, like when you're talking about the kids in school.

02:24:36.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:24:36.000 I mean, you can't...

02:24:37.000 That's good.

02:24:39.000 People would walk into our schools.

02:24:41.000 Kids would walk up to other kids that were kind of slow. 1.00

02:24:43.000 What are you, retarded? 1.00

02:24:45.000 Like right to their face. 1.00

02:24:46.000 Look at him.

02:24:47.000 He's a sped. 1.00

02:24:48.000 He's retarded. 1.00

02:24:49.000 That doesn't exist anymore. 0.93

02:24:50.000 I think it still exists.

02:24:51.000 It just exists less and not where your kids go to school in comparison to where you go to school. 0.99

02:24:56.000 I mean, I bet if you're in LA Unified and you're hanging out in Compton, I bet you see some bad shit in school. 0.99

02:25:01.000 Yeah, probably. 1.00

02:25:03.000 This is probably some bad shit still going on in a lot of schools. 0.99

02:25:06.000 A lot of kids are getting bullied, and people understand the consequences of that now. 0.99

02:25:10.000 Like, you're scared to go to class because someone's going to hit you, scared to go to class, someone's beating you.

02:25:14.000 But bullying was just part of life.

02:25:16.000 It wasn't bullying.

02:25:17.000 It was just life back then.

02:25:19.000 But it was bullying, and it did ruin people's lives.

02:25:21.000 It did, but nobody called it out.

02:25:22.000 No adult would help you out with it.

02:25:23.000 No.

02:25:24.000 It's just the way it went. 1.00

02:25:25.000 You had to learn how to take care of shit. 1.00

02:25:26.000 And everyone was being bullied by somebody else. 1.00

02:25:29.000 It was dog-eat-dog.

02:25:31.000 It was...

02:25:31.000 I don't know.

02:25:34.000 I think that you're right.

02:25:35.000 I mean, the politically correct thing...

02:25:38.000 It swings that way and you're left with some good stuff and everybody adjusted.

02:25:42.000 And then it goes too far and you start to go after things that don't affect a lot of people.

02:25:46.000 And then people get fed up by it.

02:25:48.000 Well, the thing is, those people that go too far with all that politically correct stuff, they're almost always emotionally unbalanced.

02:25:56.000 So, given enough time, they will reveal themselves to be either crazy or power-hungry or, like, really, like, a big part of that whole social justice warrior movement is really about shaming people,

02:26:12.000 like, expressing anger, attacking people, Gaining power. 0.98

02:26:16.000 Punching people that disagree with you, like punch fascists, punch Nazis, like be aggressive about it. 0.98

02:26:23.000 And that somehow or another this is a good thing. 0.99

02:26:25.000 Because they're so delusional and so detached from real physical violence.

02:26:29.000 They have this idea that you're just going to go out there and push these people and take them back. 1.00

02:26:33.000 No, they're going to show up with guns, you fuck. 1.00

02:26:35.000 This is how wars get started. 1.00

02:26:36.000 That's right.

02:26:37.000 You escalate.

02:26:38.000 You try to control people.

02:26:38.000 You push too far.

02:26:39.000 You're not kind.

02:26:40.000 Instead, you're shaming people.

02:26:42.000 You're creating bad feelings and aggression.

02:26:44.000 Like, they've got this juvenile idea about confrontation.

02:26:48.000 Right.

02:26:48.000 That it just goes out there and it never comes back to you.

02:26:51.000 Yeah.

02:26:51.000 It always comes back to you.

02:26:52.000 Good luck.

02:26:52.000 Yeah.

02:26:53.000 Good luck.

02:26:53.000 It comes back.

02:26:54.000 It comes back.

02:26:55.000 Yeah.

02:26:56.000 No, it's...

02:26:58.000 People are, I think, striving for kindness is a good thing.

02:27:03.000 I really think that trying to be nice to people, there's nothing wrong with that.

02:27:08.000 No.

02:27:08.000 But then, if you're trying to be so nice that now you're the aggressor, you've gone over the side of the cliff.

02:27:16.000 100%.

02:27:16.000 And that's what happens.

02:27:18.000 That's what people do. 0.99

02:27:19.000 They go so far left, they go around the fucking equator, and they wind up on the right. 0.99

02:27:23.000 I mean, it just happens. 1.00

02:27:25.000 You become a fascist to fight off the fascists.

02:27:29.000 That's what happens.

02:27:30.000 Round and round they go.

02:27:31.000 And the people that are effective with it, one of the things that's happening is they outdo each other, they feed off of each other, they play to each other, they're playing to the room.

02:27:41.000 And they ramp it up so they know that there's other people that agree with them, and they see how far they can take it, and the further you can take it, like, oh my god, Mike is so hardcore.

02:27:49.000 Well, he's not as hardcore as Paul.

02:27:51.000 Paul's out there struggling.

02:27:53.000 He's in Guatemala right now.

02:27:55.000 You know what I mean?

02:27:55.000 It's like they push so hard on this social justice front that they're doing it for each other and impressing each other and impressing these communities of people that get together.

02:28:05.000 And then somewhere along the line, they forget how cruel they're being to people who disagree with them.

02:28:09.000 Yeah.

02:28:09.000 They're being vicious and nasty and they're trying to shame people and write blogs about them and attack them in videos.

02:28:14.000 And they do not realize that while they're doing this, they're just setting a process in motion that is unavoidable.

02:28:21.000 You're putting out negative and it's going to come back.

02:28:24.000 Right.

02:28:24.000 And not only that, you're going to feel personally the effects of all that stuff.

02:28:28.000 Like when you're shitting on people and you ruin someone's life with some hate blog or something like that, and then that person attacks you. 0.99

02:28:33.000 Toxic. 0.98

02:28:34.000 Yeah, and people are going to know that you did that, so they're going to want to come back to you.

02:28:38.000 Right.

02:28:38.000 They're going to feel that you put something out there, so they're going to root for something to come back your way.

02:28:43.000 Ugh, I don't know how people survive that way.

02:28:45.000 I really don't.

02:28:46.000 That's their game.

02:28:47.000 It's gross.

02:28:47.000 Because they don't have a real physical conflict.

02:28:49.000 Yeah, I think they probably...

02:28:50.000 So their conflict becomes that.

02:28:50.000 They probably came from families where they like to fight a lot, and it was like...

02:28:54.000 They're kind of built for that.

02:28:56.000 There's no sensitivity to...

02:28:59.000 They get programmed.

02:29:01.000 Yeah.

02:29:02.000 It's a strange existence.

02:29:04.000 Well, we've all been in arguments before and we've all had that feeling after it's over, that gross feeling of the conflict feeling like, yeah, like, ugh, I hate this.

02:29:12.000 Like, how did I get sucked into this again?

02:29:14.000 Like, what did I do?

02:29:14.000 Like, why did I react like that?

02:29:16.000 Like, why am I here?

02:29:17.000 And there's people that have that feeling and they're constantly trying to avoid those situations, but they still come up occasionally and then they feel even worse when they come up.

02:29:25.000 Like, for me, conflict today feels so much worse than conflict felt like 10 or 15 or 20 years ago.

02:29:32.000 You personally.

02:29:33.000 Yes.

02:29:33.000 When I'm involved in conflict, I'm so much more sensitive to how other people feel than I used to be.

02:29:38.000 20 years ago, if I was in an altercation with someone, I was like, dude, go fuck yourself. 1.00

02:29:44.000 Bye. 1.00

02:29:45.000 Really?

02:29:45.000 And I'd walk away like it was nothing.

02:29:46.000 Really?

02:29:46.000 I'd only think twice.

02:29:48.000 And then as I got older, I'd always think, like, how am I coming off to that person?

02:29:51.000 Like, maybe I could have handled it better.

02:29:53.000 Like, maybe the communication, if I was just more calm.

02:29:56.000 Initially, they would have been more calm.

02:29:57.000 We could have laughed it off, you know?

02:29:59.000 Like the kid in the pool hall.

02:30:00.000 Right.

02:30:01.000 But the kid in the pool hall was not a threat, and he was a young kid.

02:30:03.000 And I saw it, and I was like, what are you doing, man?

02:30:06.000 You're going to get hurt.

02:30:07.000 Like, don't do that.

02:30:08.000 But this, as I get older, there's this revelation that...

02:30:13.000 A lot of what we get into, a lot of these confrontations and arguments and disputes and a lot of negativity is all avoidable.

02:30:21.000 Like, it's not worth the attack.

02:30:25.000 No, it's not.

02:30:27.000 I always felt that way, that it's a little more zen-like to go with it.

02:30:32.000 And then my buddy was saying, no, you're more like codependent.

02:30:42.000 You're trying to make other people happy to a point where it's a negative for you.

02:30:48.000 Yeah.

02:30:49.000 Yeah.

02:30:49.000 You know what I mean?

02:30:50.000 Like when you were talking about you being 20 and just being like, oh, fuck yourself. 1.00

02:30:54.000 It's like, I never had that. 1.00

02:30:56.000 And I was always a little envious of that.

02:30:59.000 I had too much of it.

02:31:00.000 Like being on the road and somebody cuts you off and it's just like, you feel so bad.

02:31:04.000 And if someone gives you the finger, it's like, I carry that with me all day.

02:31:08.000 It's such an upsetting interaction.

02:31:10.000 No, I would still be upset.

02:31:11.000 Don't get me wrong.

02:31:12.000 I would still be upset all day.

02:31:13.000 Oh, you would?

02:31:13.000 Yeah, but I wouldn't feel bad.

02:31:15.000 Right. 1.00

02:31:16.000 I would be like, that fucking piece of shit. 1.00

02:31:18.000 You'd be more angry at him. 1.00

02:31:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:31:20.000 I wouldn't feel bad.

02:31:21.000 They're like, oh, I could have avoided that confrontation.

02:31:23.000 Right.

02:31:23.000 I wouldn't feel that.

02:31:24.000 I'd have a stupid way of looking at it, where instead of being philosophical about my own role in having this take place, and my own inability to manage the communication better. 0.98

02:31:36.000 Yeah, how to handle it. 0.99

02:31:37.000 Yeah, just...

02:31:38.000 It's like everything else.

02:31:39.000 You get better at catching balls.

02:31:41.000 Some dudes are way better at catching a baseball than you. 0.67

02:31:44.000 And if you go out and try to catch that baseball, you're like, it couldn't be caught.

02:31:48.000 It was out of my hands.

02:31:49.000 But meanwhile, someone who's way better at it would just snatch it out of the sky and be like, I got this.

02:31:53.000 Easy.

02:31:54.000 Easy out.

02:31:55.000 You know what I mean?

02:31:55.000 It's really essentially the same thing when you're communicating with people.

02:31:59.000 If you're not good at communicating, you have these awkward moments, and you're as much responsible for someone else getting pit.

02:32:06.000 Even if they did something wrong, Like, you're as much as responsible for it going bad as they are, in a way.

02:32:13.000 It's a difficult thing because you can sometimes be very aware of it and very sensitive to people and try and make everything cool, and then somebody says something or does something, and there's something inside us that just flares.

02:32:26.000 Yeah.

02:32:27.000 It's just like...

02:32:28.000 Especially with booze. 0.94

02:32:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:32:30.000 It's just like, no.

02:32:32.000 No.

02:32:33.000 You know?

02:32:34.000 And it catches you by surprise.

02:32:36.000 It's like...

02:32:37.000 Yeah, but the problem is when it catches me by surprise, I'm always like, oh my god, my mouth is moving faster than my brain here.

02:32:42.000 I'm just saying aggressive things.

02:32:44.000 I haven't thought this through.

02:32:46.000 People do do that. 1.00

02:32:48.000 And then you're like, oh shit, better be poised for violence. 1.00

02:32:50.000 So you're like, your brain's on... 1.00

02:32:53.000 Then the communication skills are even worse.

02:32:55.000 Because I'm not really thinking about communicating.

02:32:56.000 I'm thinking, if I feel like you're moving in my direction too quickly...

02:33:00.000 I'm going to act.

02:33:02.000 So we're in this stage.

02:33:04.000 Do you have, because you know violence or you know fighting, you have been trained in it, you know it, you've lived aspect of it, Does it put you more on alert physically when you're out in the world?

02:33:21.000 I've seen people get punched.

02:33:23.000 I've seen people get punched where they didn't expect to get punched.

02:33:25.000 I've seen people get sucker punched and knocked unconscious. 0.99

02:33:27.000 It's fucking terrifying. 0.99

02:33:28.000 But I'm saying, do you... 0.99

02:33:29.000 People do do it.

02:33:29.000 I know the consequences of it.

02:33:31.000 No, but do you...

02:33:31.000 So do you, when you walk around the street, are you more...

02:33:34.000 Are you looking for violence more than someone that wasn't trained?

02:33:39.000 No.

02:33:39.000 Not to engage in it.

02:33:40.000 Oh, no, I know what you're saying.

02:33:41.000 Just to see it.

02:33:42.000 Are you aware of it happening more?

02:33:44.000 I'm definitely...

02:33:44.000 I definitely try to be aware when there's men and they're drinking.

02:33:48.000 Whenever there's men and they're drinking, or if you're in a poor neighborhood, like we were talking about being outside of a resort in Mexico and you see the military and you realize why it's there.

02:33:57.000 I just think that, for the most part, you're safe.

02:34:00.000 Like, almost everywhere.

02:34:01.000 It's being a man, especially.

02:34:03.000 Right.

02:34:03.000 I think if you're a woman, it'd be a very different thing.

02:34:05.000 Right.

02:34:05.000 Because you have two things going on.

02:34:07.000 You got, one, the majority of the people around you that are men can overpower you.

02:34:10.000 Right. 1.00

02:34:10.000 And two, the majority of people that are men might fuck you. 1.00

02:34:14.000 Right. 1.00

02:34:15.000 You know?

02:34:16.000 Right. 1.00

02:34:16.000 I mean, if you're an attractive woman in particular, and you're walking around, you have a nice body, like, you're just a goddamn asshole target. 1.00

02:34:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:34:23.000 Like, everywhere you go.

02:34:23.000 That's what they're thinking.

02:34:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:34:25.000 When you put those yoga pants on, those Lululemons, those fuchsia yoga pants, and you've got that big juicy ass, and you're walking down the mall, you're going to get bombed on. 1.00

02:34:36.000 It's going to happen. 0.99

02:34:36.000 Are you saying when I do it? 0.99

02:34:37.000 When I wear it.

02:34:39.000 You're a juicy guy.

02:34:40.000 But when you're not in those heightened situations, you're not thinking...

02:34:44.000 No.

02:34:45.000 But when people get inflamed, I get super nervous.

02:34:48.000 Because it's similar to the gun thing.

02:34:50.000 It's similar to like...

02:34:51.000 Well, it is a gun thing.

02:34:52.000 Well, if you have a gun, you're living...

02:34:54.000 Your reality's different.

02:34:56.000 Right.

02:34:56.000 Right?

02:34:57.000 Well, there's that.

02:34:57.000 But there's also like when people get upset and, you know, we're talking about things ramping up, like the momentum of them gets away from you and then you're saying things you haven't thought out yet.

02:35:07.000 Yeah.

02:35:08.000 People make actions that they haven't thought out yet.

02:35:10.000 And you're a reasonable guy, and I try to be pretty reasonable.

02:35:13.000 And if I'm saying this, and I'm admitting that the emotions can get carried away, especially when there's danger involved, I can get to saying things that I should have probably never said, because it just got away from me. 0.99

02:35:22.000 What about an idiot? 1.00

02:35:23.000 What about an idiot who's been abused as a child? 1.00

02:35:26.000 What about an idiot who's been beaten and abused as a child? 1.00

02:35:28.000 And it's almost like, feels like they're at such a deficit of love, and they are owed so much violence, that they're very capable of inflicting violence on random people. 1.00

02:35:37.000 Yeah.

02:35:38.000 That's just how they're programmed.

02:35:40.000 Yeah.

02:35:41.000 And that goes back to what we're talking about earlier, about real leaders.

02:35:44.000 If we had real leaders in real direction in this country, we would fix the educational system in these bad neighborhoods and spend a ton of money to try to rejuvenate these neighborhoods or have some sort of a plan to eliminate crime, to reduce crime, rather, to make it so safer.

02:36:00.000 And you've got to start with kids when they're really, really young.

02:36:03.000 You can't wait until they're 16, 17 and go in and just throw some money at it and expect it to work.

02:36:08.000 You've got to just dump tons of money into it.

02:36:10.000 You know, the private sector is the thing that does that more than the government.

02:36:15.000 It's profitable.

02:36:17.000 Or even the non-profits.

02:36:20.000 I did this gig last night when I was staying with Common last night.

02:36:23.000 It was this group called the Help Group.

02:36:26.000 So did you do stand-up?

02:36:27.000 I did stand-up and hosted the whole night.

02:36:29.000 And it's all about kids.

02:36:32.000 It's in LA and it's all about helping autistic kids, kids with special needs.

02:36:36.000 And you just watch.

02:36:38.000 It's such a nice thing to see all these people donating money, spending the night to support this school, that this woman's passion, just purely to help autistic kids Survive and find a way in the world.

02:36:52.000 That's awesome.

02:36:53.000 Like, those kind of efforts, when you see, like, Bill Gates giving all of his money, there's so much positive...

02:36:58.000 Of course he does, though.

02:36:59.000 See, but Bill Gates is just trying to find programmers for Windows 30. He's only seen them now, and he's like, autistic kids, they're fucking wicked good at programming. 1.00

02:37:07.000 They sit in front of a computer, little freaks, just give them coffee. 0.97

02:37:10.000 He calls it a camp, but it's really the back of Microsoft.

02:37:15.000 Come on.

02:37:15.000 No, I can't.

02:37:16.000 Hey, Billy, do you know that ones and zeros can represent computer language?

02:37:19.000 Hmm?

02:37:20.000 What does that mean?

02:37:21.000 Sit them down.

02:37:21.000 Hmm.

02:37:22.000 This is interesting.

02:37:22.000 Show me who you are.

02:37:23.000 Tell your parents you want to live with me, Kenny.

02:37:27.000 You can stay in the place where I keep my submarine.

02:37:28.000 Whoa, interesting.

02:37:29.000 How's it propelled?

02:37:31.000 Nuclear power.

02:37:31.000 Nuclear power submarine.

02:37:32.000 When you get them...

02:37:33.000 But it really is pretty hopeful when you see these private groups with a lot of money pushing it.

02:37:42.000 The government doesn't do it anymore.

02:37:44.000 That feeling.

02:37:44.000 Anytime someone's doing something nice.

02:37:46.000 That feeling.

02:37:47.000 That feeling of, oh, a person's doing a nice thing.

02:37:50.000 Did you see what the Pope said about panhandlers last week? 1.00

02:37:54.000 That you can fuck them like you fuck kids? 1.00

02:37:55.000 Oh, you read it. 1.00

02:38:00.000 No, this Pope is anti-kid fucking. 0.99

02:38:02.000 He's not like that last guy. 0.99

02:38:03.000 No, he's totally not into it.

02:38:06.000 He said, you know, in the question of whether you should give or not, it always comes up.

02:38:12.000 And you think, well, is he going to use the money on?

02:38:15.000 Is it just for drugs?

02:38:16.000 Or am I doing it just to make myself feel better?

02:38:19.000 All these kind of questions come up when you pass someone who's asking you for money.

02:38:23.000 And he said, there's never anything wrong with giving.

02:38:28.000 There's never anything wrong with giving to someone who's asking.

02:38:32.000 They're asking for some reason, as a human being, it's okay to give.

02:38:38.000 And I thought, that's great.

02:38:39.000 And then I thought, but what he's not taking into consideration is, but then what about the guy, then you walk a block, and there's another guy, and another guy.

02:38:49.000 You run out of money.

02:38:50.000 You run out of money?

02:38:51.000 Or you then decide, no, I gave to that guy, and you're still in that space of, no, I'm a good person, but you still have to go through all that stuff in your head.

02:38:59.000 That's a good point.

02:39:00.000 Right?

02:39:00.000 Yeah, when do you decide?

02:39:01.000 Yeah, at what point does it stop?

02:39:03.000 I'm good enough.

02:39:04.000 The Pope has never been to Santa Monica.

02:39:07.000 Oh, that's right.

02:39:08.000 You know what I mean?

02:39:08.000 That's right.

02:39:09.000 One after the other, those homeless dudes with backpacks and dogs.

02:39:12.000 Right?

02:39:13.000 The homeless dudes with dogs are the weirdest. 1.00

02:39:15.000 Like, you are not planning anything, you fuck. 1.00

02:39:17.000 I know. 1.00

02:39:18.000 How are you feeding your dog when you don't have a roof? 0.99

02:39:20.000 It's so shitty. 1.00

02:39:21.000 It's totally shitty. 0.97

02:39:22.000 I know. 0.96

02:39:22.000 But it's also broken people. 0.96

02:39:24.000 It's like, well, who raised that guy?

02:39:26.000 Well, I guarantee you it wasn't some really awesome dad like Tom Papa in some really nice neighborhood.

02:39:31.000 No.

02:39:32.000 And everybody loved him, and there's a lot of family and friends around.

02:39:34.000 No.

02:39:35.000 Hard times.

02:39:36.000 Hard times, man. 0.99

02:39:37.000 Hard fucked up times. 0.99

02:39:38.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:39:39.000 It's hard being a person even if you're just normal.

02:39:42.000 If you're just...

02:39:43.000 It's hard to keep it together.

02:39:45.000 It is, man.

02:39:46.000 It's hard for everybody, for all of us.

02:39:48.000 And it's hard for a bunch of reasons.

02:39:49.000 And one of the biggest reasons is that the reality of being a human being does not make sense.

02:39:55.000 It just doesn't.

02:39:56.000 Right.

02:39:57.000 Well, you need a job to do.

02:39:58.000 You gotta keep yourself busy.

02:40:00.000 That's the only way.

02:40:01.000 You have to have a passion, otherwise you start thinking, oh, here I am, clinging to this ball as it hurls through infinity, and worrying about the news.

02:40:10.000 Remember when your kids first show up, some of their first things, toys, Are like kitchen sets and workbenches.

02:40:18.000 And they just gravitate to it and want to do a project.

02:40:21.000 And they make together a fake breakfast and bring it over to you, waddle to you, and give it to you.

02:40:27.000 They want to be busy.

02:40:28.000 You want your head to do something.

02:40:29.000 You have to feed your brain some activity.

02:40:34.000 You really do.

02:40:35.000 Well, that's why TV's so dangerous.

02:40:36.000 It doesn't have to be something big, either.

02:40:38.000 It could be something small.

02:40:39.000 Just be into something.

02:40:42.000 That's why TV is so dangerous, because you could live your whole life without ever developing any interest.

02:40:46.000 That's right.

02:40:46.000 You're just going from show to show to show, and your mind is now occupied on some other actions, extraneous actions.

02:40:53.000 They're not even in your immediate vicinity.

02:40:55.000 It's a positive thing when people ask me if I've seen this show, and I'm like, no.

02:41:01.000 What?

02:41:02.000 We just binged it.

02:41:03.000 You've got...

02:41:04.000 The more shows I say I haven't seen, it means I'm doing something right.

02:41:08.000 Yeah, I allow myself one show.

02:41:11.000 Do you?

02:41:11.000 Do you have a rule?

02:41:12.000 I allow myself one show that I'm watching.

02:41:14.000 Oh, that's a good rule.

02:41:16.000 Yeah, right now it's House of Cards, which is great because I just got into it a little bit ago.

02:41:20.000 So I'm only on season three and there's like two whole seasons to watch.

02:41:23.000 Right.

02:41:24.000 That's good.

02:41:24.000 But one show is good.

02:41:26.000 So if I watch an hour of TV a night, that's good.

02:41:30.000 That's a lot.

02:41:30.000 That's plenty.

02:41:31.000 That's a lot.

02:41:33.000 Yeah, I can't.

02:41:34.000 You should be doing something else. 1.00

02:41:36.000 I need to do more shit, though. 1.00

02:41:37.000 Why? 1.00

02:41:38.000 You got the bow?

02:41:39.000 No, but I'm feeling right now I need to do something new.

02:41:41.000 Oh, yeah?

02:41:42.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:41:44.000 I don't feel like I'm stagnant because I'm constantly in motion.

02:41:46.000 It's all very positive, and I appreciate all the good things that are happening, and I appreciate all the people that enjoy the podcast and the comedy shows and all that stuff, but man, right now I feel like I need to wrap my brain around something fresh and novel and new.

02:42:00.000 Have you ever tried baking bread?

02:42:02.000 Not interested.

02:42:03.000 It's so good.

02:42:04.000 I don't even eat it.

02:42:05.000 It's...

02:42:06.000 But you can give it...

02:42:06.000 Your kids probably do.

02:42:07.000 What? 1.00

02:42:08.000 Give my kids shit that I won't even eat? 1.00

02:42:10.000 Ridiculous. 1.00

02:42:10.000 How dare you? 1.00

02:42:12.000 Bread tastes awesome.

02:42:13.000 I would do bread like once a week.

02:42:15.000 It is a great...

02:42:15.000 So maybe I would cook bread on Sunday.

02:42:17.000 It's a great mental...

02:42:18.000 It is that thing that I found.

02:42:20.000 Like I was kind of the same way.

02:42:22.000 And it kind of gave me...

02:42:23.000 I'm not saying it has to be Brad, but some kind of thing like that, where it's something that grounds you.

02:42:29.000 I think I'm going to write a book.

02:42:30.000 Yeah?

02:42:31.000 That's a good idea.

02:42:31.000 Yeah, I've been gearing up for that over the last couple of days.

02:42:34.000 I've been thinking, I need some sort of a project to wrap my head around, other than all the shit that I'm already doing.

02:42:40.000 I'm writing one right now.

02:42:42.000 I have a deadline in May.

02:42:44.000 How many pictures is in it?

02:42:45.000 There better be a lot.

02:42:46.000 I don't read books about pictures, bro.

02:42:48.000 If I had to hand it in right now, it would have to have a lot of pictures.

02:42:52.000 That's a bear.

02:42:53.000 Let's do a photo shoot.

02:42:54.000 You and me.

02:42:55.000 It's me and Tom.

02:42:56.000 Hey, we're at a podcast.

02:42:58.000 Why are there 20 pictures of you and Joe Rogan?

02:43:01.000 We need to fill pages.

02:43:02.000 Can I have my check, please?

02:43:03.000 I wasn't writing a lot, though.

02:43:05.000 You said 200 pages.

02:43:07.000 It's got 200 pages. 1.00

02:43:09.000 Fuck you. 1.00

02:43:10.000 Fuck you. 1.00

02:43:14.000 Yeah, that would be perfect. 1.00

02:43:15.000 It's a bear.

02:43:16.000 Well, I used to do blogs all the time.

02:43:18.000 You did?

02:43:19.000 Yeah, at the very least I'm going to start writing blogs again.

02:43:21.000 You should do a book.

02:43:23.000 I'm not trying to talk you out of it.

02:43:24.000 I, as a fan and a friend, would like that there would be a Joe Rogan book out there.

02:43:30.000 I'm going to lie about everything.

02:43:31.000 I'm going to make up stories.

02:43:32.000 I'm going to make a gonzo journalism book where I'm going to have some aspects of my life and then it'll be like, remember when Chuck Woolery, not Chuck Woolery, Chuck Barris.

02:43:40.000 Chuck Barris.

02:43:41.000 They did a whole movie about him being an assassin for the government.

02:43:44.000 He was the host of the Gong Show and killing people for the CIA. I'm going to do that.

02:43:49.000 I'm going to have most of the real stories of my childhood intertwined with murderers and werewolves and fucking vampires. 0.99

02:43:56.000 That's a great book. 0.99

02:43:57.000 Call it Truth or Not. 0.99

02:43:59.000 You see this fucking latest shit about WikiLeaks saying that the CIA has access to all of our phones? 0.99

02:44:05.000 Vault 7? 1.00

02:44:06.000 Yeah.

02:44:07.000 Get the leaks today?

02:44:07.000 Yeah.

02:44:08.000 I didn't look through it yet.

02:44:10.000 What is it? 0.97

02:44:10.000 Pull up an article because Edward Snowden was saying that it's not whether or not they can access, you know, whether they have access to your encrypted shit. 0.97

02:44:19.000 It's like that they've hacked Android and iOS. 0.92

02:44:22.000 Like, they can get into Android and iOS.

02:44:24.000 So if you're some...

02:44:25.000 But here's the thing.

02:44:26.000 They're saying they use it for espionage, right?

02:44:28.000 Right.

02:44:28.000 So, like, if the Russians are here, they want to find out what they're up to, you can hack into their phone, you can get their data.

02:44:33.000 Well, they're doing it, too.

02:44:34.000 So, like, if somehow or another we stop the CIA from doing it...

02:44:38.000 Right.

02:44:38.000 Here's the question.

02:44:40.000 No.

02:44:40.000 Would you want, if Russia's doing it and China's doing it...

02:44:42.000 And North Korea.

02:44:43.000 And then all of a sudden the CIA can't do it anymore, aren't they at a disadvantage?

02:44:48.000 Yeah.

02:44:49.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:44:49.000 That seems, that seems like we don't know what the fuck we're doing. 0.98

02:44:53.000 PSA, this incorrectly implies the CIA hacked those apps, these apps, forward slash encryption, but the docs show iOS, forward slash Android are what got hacked, a much bigger problem.

02:45:04.000 So still working through the publications, but what WikiLeaks has here is a genuinely, is genuinely a big deal, looks authentic.

02:45:13.000 See, but I just, I feel like we have to be very careful if other people are doing things.

02:45:21.000 Right. 0.91

02:45:21.000 So, like, if you talk to people in the intelligence community, and I don't talk to a lot of them, but I have talked to a few, what they will tell you is you have to understand that what the majority of the American public thinks is going on in the world and what their motives are and what kind of espionage and fucking dirty tricks take place. 0.91

02:45:38.000 Mm-hmm. 0.85

02:45:39.000 It's way worse than you think it is.

02:45:41.000 Yeah.

02:45:41.000 And you're way lucky that you're sheltered from all this stuff.

02:45:44.000 And there's some bad fucking things that are going on in the world. 0.98

02:45:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:45:49.000 And one of those things is, I mean, what you're looking at in Russia right now is like an emerging superpower run by a dictator.

02:45:57.000 Yeah. 0.57

02:45:57.000 And anybody who opposes him winds up dead. 0.57

02:46:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:46:00.000 Have you seen all those fucking Russians that have wound up dead recently? 1.00

02:46:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:46:04.000 They're attached to these leaks? 1.00

02:46:06.000 Wasn't there, like, what's the latest count?

02:46:08.000 Sixth yesterday?

02:46:09.000 I don't know if it...

02:46:10.000 I think there was a seventh one yesterday that died.

02:46:12.000 Just taking people out?

02:46:14.000 People are just mysteriously getting whacked, and they're billionaires.

02:46:17.000 Oh, really?

02:46:18.000 Yes.

02:46:18.000 They're whacking billionaires.

02:46:20.000 Jesus. 0.95

02:46:20.000 They're just whacking people. 0.95

02:46:22.000 You know too much?

02:46:23.000 Oh, yeah?

02:46:24.000 Come fish.

02:46:25.000 Let's go fishing.

02:46:26.000 These guys are disappearing. 0.99

02:46:28.000 They're not fucking around, Tom Papa. 0.99

02:46:30.000 Do you think they control... 0.99

02:46:31.000 Do you think that they...

02:46:32.000 Did they...

02:46:34.000 Look at that.

02:46:35.000 Russian diplomats keep dying unexpectedly.

02:46:36.000 Look at his face. 1.00

02:46:37.000 Holy shit, he's terrifying to me. 1.00

02:46:39.000 He is terrifying. 1.00

02:46:40.000 He's like one of those hell pigs. 1.00

02:46:42.000 See, we want to think that the world has learned from Hitler and Stalin and Mussolini. 1.00

02:46:47.000 The world has learned.

02:46:48.000 They're not going to do that again.

02:46:50.000 I don't buy that.

02:46:51.000 No.

02:46:52.000 No way.

02:46:52.000 What did they say the number was?

02:46:53.000 This says on here, six have died since November.

02:46:56.000 This was on the 26th.

02:46:57.000 So doesn't that make you more frightened that they were interfering in our election?

02:47:02.000 Well, they certainly were aware of what was going on, and they certainly had access to some documents about the DNC. What concerns me is people that are ignoring, although that is an issue for sure,

02:47:17.000 right?

02:47:18.000 But they're ignoring that what they did was... 0.99

02:47:21.000 They let us know about some horrible shit that the Democrats were up to where they were rigging the primaries and fucking over Bernie Sanders because he was too powerful and too dangerous to Hillary Clinton. 0.99

02:47:31.000 So they colluded. 1.00

02:47:33.000 They all used... 1.00

02:47:34.000 They conspired, rather, and they all used their influence to fuck over Bernie Sanders. 1.00

02:47:39.000 And then saying that the Russians hacked the election because they exposed that the Democrats are a bunch of cheating creeps It's kind of disingenuous. 0.98

02:47:47.000 Because yes, they did hack the election because they did release some of that information, so they did have an impact on it.

02:47:52.000 But that impact was essentially the truth and something that we really deserve to know in the first place.

02:47:56.000 We deserve to know the inner workings of the DNC. We deserve to know that they are getting in the way of democracy.

02:48:04.000 They're rigging it.

02:48:06.000 Yeah, well, they're...

02:48:08.000 Yeah, they're rigging it.

02:48:09.000 Politics is always dirty.

02:48:10.000 It's not politics.

02:48:12.000 It's illegal.

02:48:12.000 What they were doing was wrong.

02:48:14.000 What they were doing was they were interfering with the democratic process.

02:48:18.000 Whether or not it's illegal, it could be argued in court and maybe should be.

02:48:21.000 But it's most certainly not what anybody wants.

02:48:23.000 We don't want the DNC to dictate who the winner of the primary is.

02:48:28.000 We want the people to dictate it.

02:48:29.000 We also didn't want Joe Kennedy putting...

02:48:31.000 People didn't want Joe Kennedy putting his bribing and stealing votes for his son to be elected.

02:48:37.000 This stuff is always going on.

02:48:40.000 But that doesn't excuse it.

02:48:41.000 But the sidling up to that guy.

02:48:44.000 You know what I mean?

02:48:45.000 That that guy, for whatever reason it is, he wants to defeat us, right?

02:48:51.000 So any kind of influence and the people within that campaign are now having to...

02:49:10.000 Mm-hmm.

02:49:15.000 Sidled up with a lot of the people who are now running our government.

02:49:19.000 A government, by the way, that is hell-bent on tearing a lot of stuff down.

02:49:26.000 You're right. 0.99

02:49:26.000 But the only reason why it worked at all was because the Democrats were involved in shady shit. 0.99

02:49:33.000 It's not like they made up some stuff. 0.99

02:49:36.000 Right.

02:49:36.000 Do you see what I'm saying?

02:49:37.000 Yes. 1.00

02:49:37.000 She's dirty. 1.00

02:49:38.000 They were dirty. 1.00

02:49:39.000 The DNC was dirty. 0.97

02:49:40.000 But I'll give you that.

02:49:42.000 The result's not good.

02:49:43.000 The result's not good.

02:49:44.000 You know, having Donald Trump win in this fashion and having the Russians interfere and then also having some sort of an influence on him financially, all those things are not good.

02:49:52.000 But it's a little disingenuous to ignore the fact that Hillary was a terrible candidate. 0.97

02:49:58.000 She was so compromised from so many different angles.

02:50:01.000 I mean, she didn't support gay marriage until 2013, I think it was. 0.86

02:50:06.000 Not only that, the Clinton Foundation is just a disaster. 1.00

02:50:12.000 The whole thing is just filled with scary shit. 0.99

02:50:15.000 Yeah, and look, she was definitely disliked by a lot of people from being there for a lot of time doing stuff that made a lot of people very nauseous. 1.00

02:50:26.000 I get all that.

02:50:27.000 She's not honest.

02:50:27.000 But I don't want to go back and redo the election, but just that...

02:50:32.000 Just does it concern you that if, let's say, let's be conspiracy theories on this, let's say that the Russians have so much more influence over this president.

02:50:44.000 He's, by the way, putting his America first, is using Russian steel for that pipeline that's going through the Indians. 0.97

02:50:50.000 If he's that tied to them, And Russia's an enemy of ours. 0.79

02:50:56.000 They want us to fail.

02:50:58.000 And now they have an administration that wants to tear stuff down.

02:51:01.000 Could that be a conspiracy theory on that side?

02:51:05.000 It certainly could.

02:51:06.000 But here's the problem.

02:51:07.000 You're saying they, like the Russians, they want to do this, they want to do that. 0.98

02:51:11.000 We're buying their steel.

02:51:13.000 They don't operate as an individual.

02:51:15.000 There are a bunch of people that are trapped in this dictatorship with this Russian oligarch.

02:51:20.000 Yeah, well, it is Putin.

02:51:22.000 But...

02:51:22.000 It's when you are buying things, if you're buying things from Russians, are there individuals over there?

02:51:28.000 Or is everything Russia, an entity? 0.66

02:51:30.000 And that entity wants us dead, wants us doomed.

02:51:32.000 Isn't it possible?

02:51:34.000 No, it's not the people.

02:51:35.000 Well, isn't it possible that their government can evolve, and they can eventually not have that guy in place, that something could take place?

02:51:43.000 Yeah.

02:51:44.000 And they could also prosper from this age of information?

02:51:47.000 100%.

02:51:48.000 Right.

02:51:48.000 People to people, 100%.

02:51:50.000 Yeah.

02:51:50.000 But this guy is doing this thing.

02:51:53.000 I don't know what he's doing.

02:51:54.000 With our guy.

02:51:55.000 I don't know what he's doing.

02:51:55.000 I'm saying if this conspiracy...

02:51:56.000 To just take the fantasy of are these guys right?

02:52:01.000 Because like you're saying...

02:52:03.000 The WikiLeaks exposed that at the DNC. There's also a lot of dirty stuff we don't even know right now that's going on.

02:52:08.000 For sure.

02:52:08.000 On both sides.

02:52:09.000 Let's just take this fantasy of, okay, so Putin has really aggressively wanted this administration in.

02:52:16.000 They wanted a Bannon who wants to tear stuff down. 0.97

02:52:18.000 This is an advantage for us.

02:52:20.000 Right.

02:52:20.000 If you can expose that, I think that's a big deal.

02:52:24.000 Yeah.

02:52:25.000 It's also scary.

02:52:26.000 But here's the problem.

02:52:27.000 You're making a bunch of stuff up in order because it's a fantasy.

02:52:30.000 Yeah, but that's...

02:52:32.000 I get what you're saying.

02:52:34.000 I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to do it.

02:52:36.000 Of course you could, and it's something that should be considered.

02:52:38.000 But it's a weird thing when you start making up motives and potential outcomes.

02:52:44.000 Look, it's not good.

02:52:46.000 That's why they're investigating.

02:52:48.000 They're trying to find the answers of what this stuff really is. 0.99

02:52:50.000 Well, there's all sorts of shit that's not good. 0.99

02:52:52.000 There's all sorts of shit that's not good about this whole situation. 0.99

02:52:56.000 There's way too much power and influence by one person and that person's cabinet and that person's choices, like what choice they make on the rest of us. 0.99

02:53:08.000 And we're seeing that now.

02:53:09.000 It's way too much.

02:53:10.000 It's way too much.

02:53:11.000 And it's more than we've ever seen before. 1.00

02:53:12.000 We've never seen someone come in with a sweeping brush of change and just decide, nope, fuck Obamacare, nope, building that fucking wall, nope, we're running those pipes, nope, Dakota Pipeline, fuck you, we're coming through. 0.99

02:53:24.000 Like, whoa, and it's happening within the first 60 days. 1.00

02:53:28.000 Doesn't it seem a lot of it's mean?

02:53:30.000 Mean?

02:53:31.000 Let's take, you know, I vote on both sides.

02:53:34.000 Dakota Pipeline seems mean.

02:53:35.000 Seems scary.

02:53:36.000 Dumping waste into the water seems mean.

02:53:38.000 What is that waste in the water?

02:53:39.000 Where are they dumping?

02:53:40.000 Coal waste.

02:53:41.000 Where's that?

02:53:41.000 They made it illegal in West Virginia so that you couldn't dump coal waste.

02:53:44.000 Now you can dump it again?

02:53:45.000 Now you can dump it again.

02:53:48.000 Like, there's, like, I want, uh, talk about shutting down, um, PBS. That's scary.

02:53:54.000 Well, those guys suck, though. 1.00

02:53:56.000 They're boring. 1.00

02:53:57.000 They're always monotone.

02:53:58.000 I know, they're boring. 1.00

02:54:00.000 But this is all mean shit. 0.99

02:54:01.000 Like, why go after the people making cooking shows? 1.00

02:54:04.000 Because those people are attacking him, right?

02:54:05.000 Is that what it is?

02:54:06.000 No, it's always a Republican thing.

02:54:08.000 I think it's just to get people mad.

02:54:10.000 But you know what I mean?

02:54:10.000 Like, just can't you act out of kindness?

02:54:13.000 If you enjoyed any part of this program and you'd like to donate, please do.

02:54:16.000 We survive on donations.

02:54:18.000 We appreciate you.

02:54:19.000 I always think that those guys just can't wait. 1.00

02:54:22.000 As soon as that fucking show's on, they run home and put a ball gag on and punch themselves in the dick. 1.00

02:54:28.000 They're so tied down. 1.00

02:54:30.000 That's so not how a man thinks or talks. 0.79

02:54:32.000 It's so funny.

02:54:33.000 Thank you for tuning in to PBS. Very interesting.

02:54:36.000 Fresh Air with Terry Gross is up next.

02:54:38.000 Very interesting.

02:54:39.000 We're going to talk about...

02:54:40.000 Who are you? 1.00

02:54:41.000 Who are you, you fuck? 1.00

02:54:43.000 What would you do if a terrorist attack was happening right now? 1.00

02:54:45.000 What would you do if a man came in with his dick in his hand and wanted to fuck your mouth? 1.00

02:54:50.000 How would you react? 1.00

02:54:51.000 Well, I mean, there's probably a reason he wants to do that.

02:54:54.000 Wow.

02:54:55.000 We have to understand that I'm not consenting.

02:54:57.000 I'm not consenting to you doing this to me.

02:54:59.000 There's probably a very good reason.

02:55:01.000 His father probably did it to him, and I just don't...

02:55:04.000 You know what I mean?

02:55:05.000 It feels like...

02:55:07.000 Can we come from a place of kindness rather than...

02:55:11.000 Well, he's about prosperity right now.

02:55:13.000 He's ramping up the prosperity.

02:55:15.000 That's what he wants to do.

02:55:16.000 I think he feels like he can get people to love him again and get the country on track if he creates all these jobs.

02:55:23.000 That's why he had this big video announcement yesterday.

02:55:25.000 Who'd be great!

02:55:25.000 Where he was talking about Exxon investing in the Gulf Coast and they're going to get all these jobs and there's going to be like 45,000 jobs and the jobs are going to be paying $100,000 on the average.

02:55:35.000 So all these great jobs and he's very excited about announcing that.

02:55:39.000 Most likely.

02:55:40.000 It's all tied to oil.

02:55:41.000 It's all tied to oil.

02:55:43.000 That's where the money is and resources, right?

02:55:45.000 In that model, in that old model.

02:55:48.000 It doesn't have to be that model.

02:55:50.000 But he wants to get America back on track.

02:55:52.000 Tesla's putting tons of people to work.

02:55:54.000 Thousands.

02:55:55.000 Thousands.

02:55:55.000 They're also killing people.

02:55:56.000 They're fucking driving cars. 1.00

02:55:59.000 They're killing people. 1.00

02:56:01.000 I love how people have brought up, two people have died.

02:56:03.000 Yeah, two. 0.99

02:56:04.000 Who are acting like schmucks, by the way. 0.99

02:56:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:56:07.000 Who are looking at videos on his iPad. 0.99

02:56:11.000 Dude, autonomous cars are coming, whether you like it or not.

02:56:13.000 It's the best.

02:56:15.000 Do you do it with yours?

02:56:16.000 Yeah.

02:56:16.000 You turn your Tesla on, just start beating off?

02:56:19.000 Yes.

02:56:20.000 I'm hard right now that you just said Tesla.

02:56:26.000 Do you do it everywhere, or just on the highway, or how do you do it?

02:56:29.000 On the freeway, yeah.

02:56:31.000 And do you put your hands on the wheel at all?

02:56:32.000 Sometimes, a little bit.

02:56:34.000 Yeah, I'll keep them loose on it, but sometimes if it's traffic, I don't touch it at all, and I'm just returning emails.

02:56:40.000 You're returning emails while you're driving!

02:56:42.000 I'm not driving, the car's driving.

02:56:44.000 That's so nuts, man.

02:56:45.000 Yeah, if you're in traffic, just going, you know, the car takes over.

02:56:49.000 It takes the exit that it's supposed to take?

02:56:51.000 No, you gotta do that.

02:56:53.000 You take over when you leave it.

02:56:54.000 Oh.

02:56:55.000 The next version that comes out the end of this year is gonna do something.

02:56:58.000 What do you mean by when you leave it?

02:57:00.000 The freeway.

02:57:00.000 Oh, so it only works on the freeway?

02:57:02.000 No, it works on the side streets, but it doesn't read stop signs or traffic lights. 1.00

02:57:10.000 What kind of piece of shit is this? 0.99

02:57:12.000 It hasn't got the update. 1.00

02:57:14.000 It needs the GPS information.

02:57:16.000 And all this other stuff to work to do surface streets.

02:57:20.000 Because when it's on the freeway, the car is reading, the car is in front of it, around it.

02:57:25.000 But doesn't have GPS? And the signs, the signs for how fast you go.

02:57:30.000 Deer crossing.

02:57:31.000 Deer crossing.

02:57:33.000 Deaf child. 0.99

02:57:35.000 Now, Mexicans run across the family. 1.00

02:57:38.000 That's the most depressing fucking thing ever when you're driving from San Diego and you see that beware of immigrant crossing. 1.00

02:57:43.000 It's like a mother holding a child's hand, the father's holding the mother's hand. 0.99

02:57:46.000 Like, oh man. 1.00

02:57:48.000 Let those fucking people come over here. 1.00

02:57:49.000 It's the worst. 1.00

02:57:50.000 I was just in Mexico doing a gig and I kept asking people about...

02:57:57.000 About Trump, they would, you know, they'd ask us about Trump or, you know, the whole Mexican thing.

02:58:02.000 And a couple of them, especially the last guy, was like, yeah, I don't know, everybody, I don't know, he seems bad, but have you met our president?

02:58:12.000 Oh, their president's terrible. 0.98

02:58:13.000 He's the most corrupt guy. 0.99

02:58:14.000 He doesn't help any of us. 1.00

02:58:15.000 He's awful.

02:58:16.000 It was like, oh, right. 0.56

02:58:18.000 Yeah.

02:58:18.000 He's way worse.

02:58:19.000 Your leader's a shithead, too. 1.00

02:58:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:58:21.000 All these leaders, all of them. 1.00

02:58:23.000 Yeah, and these are the leaders that are probably the best.

02:58:26.000 How about that guy in the Philippines?

02:58:28.000 He's just shooting people. 1.00

02:58:29.000 If you're out there doing drugs, I'm shooting you. 1.00

02:58:32.000 You're shooting drug dealers, killing everybody. 1.00

02:58:34.000 You've got to do what you've got to do. 1.00

02:58:35.000 Sorry.

02:58:36.000 That's how I rule.

02:58:37.000 That's how I clean the streets up.

02:58:38.000 Bullets.

02:58:39.000 I'm tired.

02:58:40.000 I want to go to bed.

02:58:41.000 I want to have a sandwich.

02:58:43.000 No, so I hit that Tesla, especially when I drive to school in the morning and drop the kids off.

02:58:49.000 Don't you think now, I mean, I'm always trying to be this glasses half full guy.

02:58:54.000 Don't you think that the reaction that people are having to all these new policies is going to invigorate our political system because it's going to inspire people to act and to do something and to make some positive change and that people are going to realize how important it is to get involved and what the consequences are to the environment,

02:59:11.000 to the world, to the future if we let someone come in and just solely concentrate on profits, which is what you're... 0.98

02:59:19.000 Assuming that they're going to do, and they're going to lean towards that, and they're going to lower the Environmental Protection Agency's regulations, and lower the standards for emissions, and more pollution in the fucking coal mine shit and all that. 0.97

02:59:31.000 Because it's running it like a business. 0.97

02:59:33.000 People are going to have to react to that.

02:59:34.000 It's going to swing the other way.

02:59:36.000 There's actually an editorial of the guy who was the head of the EPA during Reagan, and he was warning Pruitt, That Americans have a breaking point.

02:59:47.000 They do not like it when they think that the environment and their health is in danger.

02:59:54.000 Because that's our families, that's our children, that's our lives.

02:59:57.000 And Reagan came in and he was going to do some big sweeping things that were going to be more profitable and give us more jobs.

03:00:04.000 And the fierce fight back from the Americans I think it's entirely possible that you could deal with eco-terrorism as well, whereas someone could decide that this path is wrong and evil and that the best way to subvert it would be to do something,

03:00:27.000 blow something up or something, you know, have some sort of a reaction where you damage the company or damage the public image or...

03:00:34.000 I mean, all this is really tricky five-dimensional chess that these people are playing.

03:00:39.000 Yeah.

03:00:39.000 You know, especially when you're dealing with foreign entities.

03:00:41.000 Now, North Korea's testing nuclear or ballistic missiles, rather.

03:00:45.000 Yeah.

03:00:45.000 And Russia is...

03:00:47.000 I mean, the whole thing is...

03:00:48.000 Apparently, that's what Obama told Donald Trump when he was coming in, that His greatest concern is North Korea.

03:00:54.000 Of course. 1.00

03:00:55.000 That guy is a fucking psychopath. 1.00

03:00:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:00:58.000 He just killed his half-brother. 1.00

03:01:00.000 Right. 0.87

03:01:00.000 He had someone spray him. 0.87

03:01:01.000 Poison in an airport.

03:01:03.000 Yeah.

03:01:03.000 And the people that were doing it thought it was a prank.

03:01:05.000 Yeah, they were dressed like they were doing a prank.

03:01:09.000 Didn't they think they were doing a prank?

03:01:10.000 They didn't realize?

03:01:11.000 I believe that they didn't even realize that they were doing it.

03:01:13.000 Oh, really?

03:01:14.000 I don't know.

03:01:15.000 Maybe I made that up.

03:01:15.000 No, I think you're right.

03:01:16.000 I think you're right.

03:01:19.000 No, it's a crazy world, Joe Rogan, but I think you've got to have hope.

03:01:22.000 And there's lots of good people out there doing good things.

03:01:24.000 And you can go see Tom Papa live at a stand-up comedy club near you.

03:01:28.000 Or clubs and colleges, occasionally theaters.

03:01:30.000 Everywhere.

03:01:31.000 Or listen to my podcast, Come to Papa.

03:01:33.000 Or watch his new special, which is now going to be out on Hulu.

03:01:36.000 It's coming on Hulu.

03:01:37.000 When?

03:01:38.000 Tomorrow?

03:01:38.000 Yeah.

03:01:39.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

03:01:40.000 What's it called? 1.00

03:01:40.000 And Amazon. 1.00

03:01:42.000 It's called Human Mule.

03:01:44.000 Oh, wow.

03:01:44.000 Like a drug mule?

03:01:46.000 No.

03:01:47.000 What's it about?

03:01:48.000 A father.

03:01:49.000 Oh.

03:01:52.000 Just a dad.

03:01:53.000 Well, Tom, we gotta do this more often.

03:01:54.000 I always say this, but I'm glad we did it quick compared to the last one.

03:01:57.000 Yeah, this is good.

03:01:58.000 It's always fun, man.

03:01:58.000 Always fun talking to you.

03:01:58.000 I always love coming in.

03:02:00.000 And I love your fans.

03:02:01.000 Can I say?

03:02:01.000 Your fans are great.

03:02:03.000 They're nice people, right?

03:02:04.000 They're such nice people.

03:02:05.000 It's weird.

03:02:06.000 They really are great people.

03:02:07.000 You know, I've done some very popular radio shows where people are...

03:02:12.000 Awful.

03:02:13.000 You know, funny, but awful.

03:02:14.000 Your people are like, I get more responses of people asking about how to make bread and sending me their recipes and stuff, and just really funny they've seen us perform together or whatever.

03:02:26.000 They're just, you have a cool crowd.

03:02:28.000 Well, people really enjoy you too and the kind of perspective that you provided today where you're, you know, leaning towards just being nicer and being kinder and not getting involved in any bullshit and recognizing that that's what makes people happy.

03:02:41.000 It's just to find a passion, follow it, enjoy yourself, live your life, be nice.

03:02:46.000 This is it.

03:02:47.000 This is it.

03:02:47.000 We are in prime time.

03:02:49.000 Yes.

03:02:49.000 If you are listening to this show, if you're doing this show, it's not, this is it.

03:02:54.000 This is it.

03:02:54.000 This is where, this is the good part.

03:02:56.000 This is it.

03:02:56.000 You're not getting more hair or stronger hips.

03:03:00.000 It doesn't get better.

03:03:02.000 We're peaking, everybody.

03:03:03.000 We're peaking.

03:03:03.000 I'm feeling it.

03:03:04.000 I'm feeling it.

03:03:05.000 You're the best, Tom Papa.

03:03:06.000 Mighty Joe.

03:03:07.000 Thank you, brother.

03:03:07.000 Thank you so much.

03:03:08.000 All right, folks.

03:03:09.000 We'll see you soon.

03:03:10.000 Bye!

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 07, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #927 - Tom Papa

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Transcript