The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #967 - Bill Burr

00:00:01.000 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Yeehaw, Bill Burr!

00:00:08.000 What's going on?

00:00:09.000 You're looking very slick.

00:00:10.000 You look like a professional man.

00:00:11.000 Oh, I was doing television this morning.

00:00:14.000 As I mentioned to you, I just did Colin Cowherd's show and I run out of button-down shirts that I could wear on TV. Because I always go button-down jeans and whatever, nice pair of shoes.

00:00:23.000 I'm not a sport coat guy, but I was just like...

00:00:25.000 I had to go back and Google image myself on the show going, what did I wear last time?

00:00:30.000 I couldn't tell what black shirt I had on.

00:00:32.000 I was like, oh God, I gotta throw a sport coat on.

00:00:34.000 So I'm sure I'll get trashed for that.

00:00:36.000 Like, what are you all, Hollywood now, man?

00:00:38.000 Trying to look good?

00:00:40.000 So, yeah, that's why I'm dressed up here.

00:00:42.000 I'm the best-dressed man in podcasting today.

00:00:45.000 You are right now, for sure, at this moment.

00:00:47.000 That's right.

00:00:48.000 I'm amazed that you actually looked to check to see if you were wearing the same shirt.

00:00:53.000 Yeah.

00:00:55.000 What?

00:00:56.000 Do you do that for yourself?

00:00:57.000 No, no, because the internet. 1.00

00:00:58.000 It's just the internet is non-stop shit. 0.99

00:01:00.000 It's like, why help them out? 0.99

00:01:01.000 I mean, it's like, if you're going to trash me, it's like, I'm going to make you work for it.

00:01:04.000 I'm not going to give you the layup.

00:01:06.000 It's such a mild trashing.

00:01:07.000 I mean, it's coming from me. 1.00

00:01:09.000 I dress like a fucking idiot. 1.00

00:01:10.000 No, I mean, it just, you know, it just is what it is. 1.00

00:01:15.000 It's just like, for whatever reason, I mean, I... I don't know.

00:01:19.000 I get a kick out of doing stuff like that.

00:01:21.000 Like, ah, which way are they going to come at me today?

00:01:23.000 Just make them better at it.

00:01:24.000 Oh, I see.

00:01:25.000 Because I don't want to do the, ah, you're bald-headed, blah, blah, blah. 1.00

00:01:27.000 It's like every fucking day. 0.99

00:01:30.000 But just get somebody to come at you in a unique way. 0.99

00:01:35.000 If they get me in a unique way, it actually makes me laugh, and then there's entertainment for me, but if it's the same old tired shit, I don't know. 0.98

00:01:42.000 They get me lately for my socks. 0.97

00:01:44.000 I didn't know that you're not supposed to have socks that kind of cover your ankles.

00:01:49.000 Like, these are acceptable.

00:01:51.000 These socks are acceptable socks.

00:01:53.000 See that?

00:01:53.000 Because they're kind of tucked away.

00:01:54.000 Dude, those were women's socks when we were kids. 1.00

00:01:56.000 And they had a little ball on a little bunny rabbit tail on the end.

00:01:59.000 They were the Chris Everts.

00:02:00.000 What happened?

00:02:01.000 Remember, you should have calf-high socks. 1.00

00:02:03.000 Those were the shit. 1.00

00:02:04.000 Calf-high socks and your shorts barely covered your junk. 1.00

00:02:08.000 That was it. 0.99

00:02:10.000 Exactly.

00:02:11.000 Now everybody's shorts go down their knees and their socks are non-existent.

00:02:14.000 Yeah, but the shorts are coming back up and I don't like that.

00:02:17.000 You don't like it?

00:02:18.000 No.

00:02:18.000 There's...

00:02:20.000 There's been a lot of that.

00:02:22.000 And then there's the anti-man man who's so comfortable with his masculinity. 0.95

00:02:26.000 You know those hipster douchebags? 0.99

00:02:28.000 So they're literally wearing the old running shorts with the slit going up the side, like Macho Camacho. 0.64

00:02:32.000 Really?

00:02:33.000 Oh yeah. 1.00

00:02:34.000 Who the fuck's wearing those? 0.99

00:02:35.000 Not a bunch, but I've just seen enough. 0.99

00:02:37.000 And you just look at the whole thing, it's like they literally look like...

00:02:40.000 They're going to go do some Ron Burgundy sketch or something, but it's how they walk around and they act like, oh no, I like these shorts.

00:02:47.000 I put a picture of my sneakers and my socks on Instagram the other day, which is not a smart move anyway.

00:02:52.000 Like, why did I even do that?

00:02:53.000 I just went running for three miles and my sneakers and socks were covered with dirt. 0.99

00:02:57.000 But the amount of people that just shit on my socks... 0.97

00:03:01.000 What's wrong if they cover your ankles? 0.99

00:03:04.000 That's it.

00:03:04.000 What's wrong with those socks?

00:03:07.000 I don't know, but there is something wrong with them.

00:03:09.000 I can't put my finger on it.

00:03:11.000 It's that ribbing.

00:03:12.000 I don't like them either.

00:03:13.000 It's that ribbing around the...

00:03:14.000 You know, it's ribbed for her pleasure at the top, and then your sneakers, too. 0.87

00:03:20.000 If you're going to go run in dirt, those are the ones that do it.

00:03:23.000 They look very artsy, though. 0.99

00:03:24.000 That looks like some shit my wife would appreciate if it was on a canvas. 1.00

00:03:28.000 You know? 1.00

00:03:28.000 The socks? 1.00

00:03:29.000 No, the design on your sneakers.

00:03:32.000 Oh, on the sneakers.

00:03:33.000 You know that modern art thing?

00:03:34.000 Yeah.

00:03:35.000 The lines go this way and then they go that way, much like life. 1.00

00:03:38.000 And then they intersect, you know, that type of shit. 0.99

00:03:40.000 And it's just like, why don't you just draw a house? 0.99

00:03:42.000 Do you ever go to LACMA? The L.A. County Museum?

00:03:45.000 Don't go.

00:03:45.000 You'll go crazy.

00:03:46.000 No, I don't.

00:03:48.000 You know, I think the most important...

00:03:50.000 I would enjoy the tram ride up.

00:03:52.000 Like, this is fun.

00:03:53.000 This is cool.

00:03:54.000 I feel like I'm in an amusement park.

00:03:56.000 It'll infuriate you.

00:03:57.000 Yeah, there's a lot of like chicly dressed older women with like ridiculously weird glasses. 1.00

00:04:03.000 Like the color of the frames is always some, you know, some statement, you know what I mean?

00:04:07.000 Some splash of color to let you know that they have a personality.

00:04:10.000 Yeah, and the lenses are huge.

00:04:11.000 I'm probably just intimidated.

00:04:13.000 No, you're not intimidated.

00:04:14.000 It's nonsense.

00:04:15.000 I went there and there, I mean, we've talked about this before, but there was a box, like a plexiglass box on the ground.

00:04:21.000 That's it.

00:04:21.000 An amber plexiglass box.

00:04:23.000 And I thought it was like some sort of a, like maybe a stand, and then like the exhibits going in on, nope, nope, nope.

00:04:29.000 The box was the art.

00:04:31.000 That's it.

00:04:31.000 Right.

00:04:32.000 Nothing in it.

00:04:32.000 Every art form has that.

00:04:34.000 Every art form has their plastic box.

00:04:35.000 Like, no, this is stand-up.

00:04:37.000 There it is right there.

00:04:37.000 This is a stand-up comedy special.

00:04:39.000 Look at that.

00:04:39.000 Oh, well, it's kind of amber, a little like...

00:04:41.000 I mean, I guess.

00:04:42.000 ...the Vistolite? 0.99

00:04:43.000 I guess, but it's just a fucking box. 0.99

00:04:44.000 I mean, it looks like something you would go get at Crate and Barrel. 0.99

00:04:47.000 I could build that.

00:04:48.000 You easily could build that.

00:04:49.000 You give me some glue, and you give me the pieces.

00:04:52.000 Meanwhile, it's probably worth 30 grand.

00:04:55.000 I know, and it's just like, I would literally put my feet on that in a second.

00:04:58.000 You should.

00:04:59.000 You know, you got this book in front of me here, Dear Reader, Kim Jong-il.

00:05:02.000 He looks like the kind of person you'd run into in a museum if he had sexier glasses. 0.96

00:05:07.000 That lunatic will probably somehow hear this and actually go out and get some. 0.99

00:05:11.000 You know, that he's skinned off of a dog. 1.00

00:05:13.000 He's dead.

00:05:14.000 That's not his son?

00:05:15.000 No, that's the dad.

00:05:16.000 What's his son's name?

00:05:17.000 Kim Jong-un.

00:05:19.000 Oh! 0.60

00:05:20.000 Well, it's definitely his kid.

00:05:21.000 They look just alike.

00:05:22.000 Did you see that?

00:05:23.000 They are chowing. 1.00

00:05:24.000 How many dumplings do they have a fucking day? 1.00

00:05:26.000 Everybody else in the country is fucking emaciated, looking like they just finished the Tour de France. 1.00

00:05:31.000 These guys are walking around. 1.00

00:05:33.000 Plump. 0.94

00:05:34.000 Yeah, like they're on their sick kid dad bods.

00:05:38.000 They're so smooth and hairless, too. 1.00

00:05:40.000 They're just fucking creepy. 0.99

00:05:41.000 I love them. 0.99

00:05:42.000 Did you see that...

00:05:43.000 What's that guy's name?

00:05:44.000 Basquiat?

00:05:45.000 How do you say that guy's name?

00:05:46.000 Basquiat?

00:05:47.000 That Basquiat painting that went for $110 million?

00:05:51.000 No, it didn't.

00:05:52.000 Yes, it did.

00:05:53.000 You want to see what $110 million buys you?

00:05:55.000 Want to get grossed out?

00:05:56.000 This Japanese gentleman who bought it is some super billionaire character who apparently has another one that he spent 50-something million on.

00:06:05.000 Yeah, that's when you're like eating endangered species for breakfast. 1.00

00:06:10.000 Look at that stupid fucking painting. 1.00

00:06:13.000 That's $110 million. 1.00

00:06:14.000 I mean, that looks like some shit I drew when I was a kid and my parents put it on the refrigerator like, yeah, yeah, that's great. 0.92

00:06:20.000 There should be like notebook, like, you know, that confetti that hangs off the side? 0.98

00:06:24.000 Yeah, what's with the tic-tac-toe on his head, too?

00:06:26.000 What's that about?

00:06:28.000 He's got tic-tac-toe on his head.

00:06:29.000 Hey, Joe, it's whatever you want it to mean, man.

00:06:31.000 It's art.

00:06:31.000 It's up to your own interpretation.

00:06:33.000 I like the blue.

00:06:34.000 I always found blue to be soothing.

00:06:37.000 The guy looks a little disturbed.

00:06:39.000 Look at the left corner.

00:06:39.000 Was that him trying to find his place within the blue skies of white America?

00:06:43.000 It's like the left corner.

00:06:44.000 Is that what it is? 0.98

00:06:45.000 He was a little kid and he fucked up and he just scratched over it. 1.00

00:06:49.000 Like the A and the B, but he made the B backwards and went shit. 0.99

00:06:53.000 And so he just scratched over it and just left it there. 0.97

00:06:56.000 Like, look at that.

00:06:57.000 What is that?

00:06:59.000 It's whatever you want it to be.

00:07:01.000 $110 million, that's what it is.

00:07:03.000 And there you go, that's LACMA right there. 1.00

00:07:04.000 They would kill to have that piece hanging in there.

00:07:07.000 And there would be all kinds of women with weird glasses riding that tram up there to go look at it. 1.00

00:07:12.000 Rub their chins. 0.97

00:07:13.000 With their gay friends. 1.00

00:07:15.000 Look at him. 0.95

00:07:15.000 Look at that guy. 0.95

00:07:16.000 Lost bastard. 1.00

00:07:17.000 No, he's killing it, dude. 1.00

00:07:18.000 You think so? 0.91

00:07:19.000 Yeah, look at him.

00:07:20.000 He's in great shape.

00:07:21.000 Look at that haircut.

00:07:23.000 No, definitely no conditioner, huh?

00:07:25.000 No.

00:07:25.000 I can't tell if his hair's just starting to go gray.

00:07:29.000 Yeah, but isn't that like a billionaire genius?

00:07:31.000 Like you're so good at business that you forget to put conditioner in your hair?

00:07:35.000 Yeah.

00:07:35.000 And you got like sleep coming out of your eye?

00:07:37.000 Like Bill Gates. 1.00

00:07:38.000 Some hottie just like fucking hoses you off in the morning? 1.00

00:07:41.000 Just wear this. 1.00

00:07:43.000 I can't.

00:07:43.000 I just keep thinking.

00:07:45.000 There was a video that I watched the other day of Elon Musk from 1998 when he was first becoming a billionaire and he bought a million dollar car and he had his million dollar car delivered with his girlfriend at the time who he got rid of.

00:07:58.000 I was going to say, at the same time, and you're my girlfriend.

00:08:00.000 Put her in the trunk. 0.96

00:08:02.000 But it's so funny to see him as this young dork who's, you know, just making shit tons of money, and his hair's all goofy, and he has this million-dollar car delivered. 0.98

00:08:13.000 Who's this? 0.96

00:08:14.000 Elon Musk.

00:08:16.000 The guy owns Tesla.

00:08:17.000 Oh, Tesla.

00:08:17.000 Okay.

00:08:18.000 Did you see what he's doing now?

00:08:20.000 But the video's hilarious.

00:08:21.000 Have you seen what he's doing now?

00:08:22.000 The boring company?

00:08:23.000 Do you know what that is?

00:08:24.000 They make like electric jets or something?

00:08:26.000 No, they're boring holes underneath Los Angeles. 0.51

00:08:28.000 He's gonna bore these earthquake-proof tunnels, and they're gonna put sleds on these tunnels that go 125 miles an hour. 0.98

00:08:35.000 So you drive onto the sled, it locks you in, and it shoots you from like downtown LA to wherever the fuck you're going. 0.98

00:08:44.000 Is this it, Jamie? 0.99

00:08:46.000 So this is how it works.

00:08:47.000 You drive onto this sled, It drops you down.

00:08:51.000 This guy just gets it.

00:08:52.000 Look at this.

00:08:53.000 It drops you down below the surface of the earth.

00:08:57.000 Now, what are these?

00:08:58.000 Oh, there's other sleds.

00:08:59.000 These are sleds.

00:09:00.000 So your car is in this sled. 0.99

00:09:01.000 That is fucking amazing! 0.99

00:09:02.000 I want that to happen! 0.98

00:09:03.000 It's gonna happen. 1.00

00:09:04.000 This crazy fucker, he's gonna make it. 1.00

00:09:06.000 And these sleds, I mean, you can't crash into anybody, so they can go stupid fast. 1.00

00:09:11.000 So they're going 125 miles an hour. 0.98

00:09:13.000 Now, now, now.

00:09:13.000 They're created by men, so at some point, somebody's gonna not tighten something down.

00:09:17.000 Well, those Teslas don't have the best service, like, record, as far as, or reliability record.

00:09:24.000 Sam Harris has broke down twice already.

00:09:27.000 And I know another guy who got one and the handle stopped coming out.

00:09:31.000 Like, you know, you go near it and the handle comes out.

00:09:34.000 You gotta break into your own electric car.

00:09:36.000 But look at this.

00:09:36.000 Another guy gets to get in there.

00:09:38.000 There's gonna be a line, traffic jammed to get onto these fucking things. 0.99

00:09:41.000 But look at this passageway system that he's devising. 0.99

00:09:44.000 It's gonna be crazy.

00:09:46.000 There's gonna be these passageways all throughout the bottom of the earth.

00:09:50.000 So underneath the surface of Los Angeles would be all these trees.

00:09:53.000 But of course it's going to cave in, right?

00:09:56.000 It's got to somehow compromise the structure of the city, right?

00:09:59.000 All those buildings sitting on top of it?

00:10:01.000 I don't know.

00:10:02.000 If anybody can figure it out, I think that's beyond my background.

00:10:07.000 You know what's even more amazing than that is that Japanese billionaire looked like the Japanese Charles Bronson.

00:10:13.000 If you go back...

00:10:15.000 I love Charles Bronson.

00:10:17.000 He does a little bit.

00:10:18.000 He does.

00:10:18.000 He looks tough.

00:10:19.000 Like Charles Bronson in The Mechanic?

00:10:20.000 Like that one? 1.00

00:10:21.000 I've seen all his fucking movies. 1.00

00:10:23.000 I love all that. 0.99

00:10:23.000 I've even watched his cologne ad that he did over there. 0.99

00:10:26.000 He did a cologne ad?

00:10:27.000 Oh, yeah.

00:10:27.000 Where'd he do it?

00:10:28.000 You saw the softer side of him.

00:10:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:10:31.000 He was taking his shirt off.

00:10:32.000 He was spinning around this apartment.

00:10:34.000 Really?

00:10:34.000 Yeah, it was very not Charles Bronson.

00:10:37.000 That's back...

00:10:38.000 When stars would do...

00:10:39.000 For some reason, only in this country it hurt your career if you did a commercial, but you could always...

00:10:44.000 Overseas...

00:10:46.000 You know, do something like that.

00:10:48.000 It used to hurt their career, but it doesn't seem to anymore.

00:10:52.000 No, not only does it not, now it's like a move.

00:10:54.000 Now it's like, why aren't you just going up, vacuuming up this cash?

00:10:58.000 Yeah, like now Matthew McConaughey, look at him.

00:11:02.000 Look at that, I'm telling you, I nailed it.

00:11:04.000 He's got a Charles Bronson, he's got to work on the hair though. 1.00

00:11:08.000 He's got the fucking mustache. 1.00

00:11:10.000 He's a little too humble with his smile. 1.00

00:11:12.000 He needs to be a little more solemn. 1.00

00:11:14.000 Just accept the fact you're a baller billionaire who pays $110 for a stupid painting. 1.00

00:11:19.000 You know what? 1.00

00:11:21.000 Going back to it, he does look a little lost.

00:11:22.000 Or maybe he just doesn't like his picture taken. 0.99

00:11:24.000 I'm always looking to give somebody the benefit of the fucking doubt here. 1.00

00:11:27.000 Or maybe he's realizing that he just spent $110 million on a stupid fucking painting. 1.00

00:11:31.000 What did it sell for the last time? 1.00

00:11:33.000 I don't know.

00:11:35.000 I don't know.

00:11:37.000 That's interesting.

00:11:38.000 That's a good question.

00:11:39.000 I wonder what he saw in it.

00:11:41.000 See if you can find that commercial.

00:11:42.000 The Charles Bronson cologne commercial.

00:11:44.000 I want to see that.

00:11:45.000 It's gotta be online.

00:11:48.000 Why would you tell people that you bought that and then that's in your house? 0.99

00:11:51.000 Like, did nobody learn anything from the fucking Kardashians? 1.00

00:11:55.000 Look at all the jewelry I got. 1.00

00:11:57.000 Next thing you know, you're facedown with a fucking gun to the back of your head. 1.00

00:11:59.000 You gotta watch out with that. 1.00

00:12:00.000 This guy's fucking... 1.00

00:12:00.000 He's got 110... 1.00

00:12:01.000 That was like a million dollar ring.

00:12:03.000 He's got like a 110 million dollar...

00:12:05.000 Piece of art.

00:12:06.000 Well, the crazy thing about the Kardashian thing was that it was in Paris, and she brought security with her.

00:12:10.000 She had security with her.

00:12:12.000 And they figured out how to get past security.

00:12:14.000 Yeah, but everything's better in Europe.

00:12:15.000 Isn't that what everybody says?

00:12:17.000 The criminals are better than our security.

00:12:19.000 I'm joking.

00:12:19.000 So there's Charles Bronson.

00:12:21.000 Oh, this is Charles Bronson laid in his life, too.

00:12:24.000 This is like Death's Wish Charles Bronson.

00:12:26.000 Yeah, Paul Kersey.

00:12:39.000 It's like a mini-movie.

00:12:42.000 Really?

00:12:43.000 Yes.

00:12:44.000 What was this for?

00:12:45.000 What country?

00:12:47.000 Somewhere like in Japan.

00:12:49.000 Really?

00:12:50.000 Yeah.

00:12:51.000 He definitely didn't do it here.

00:12:53.000 What a weird guy at the gate.

00:12:56.000 Good night, Mr. Bronson.

00:12:57.000 Sleep tight.

00:12:58.000 He's driving off.

00:12:59.000 Drives like a man. 0.99

00:13:00.000 Now, all of a sudden, it gets, uh...

00:13:04.000 Here we go.

00:13:05.000 Oh, wow.

00:13:06.000 This is strange.

00:13:07.000 It gets a pipe out.

00:13:09.000 Tastes his shirt off. 1.00

00:13:10.000 What in the fuck is this? 0.99

00:13:13.000 This is a man getting paid. 1.00

00:13:16.000 He's got his pipe on and his shirt off and he's by himself.

00:13:20.000 Yeah, but you didn't realize how jacked this guy was?

00:13:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:24.000 For back then.

00:13:25.000 Not only then, he was probably like 60 at the time.

00:13:28.000 Like, Charles Bronson, I believe, when he... 0.98

00:13:31.000 You watching the Tarantino shit here with him shooting guns and stuff? 0.98

00:13:34.000 This is late in his career, too. 0.99

00:13:36.000 I'm telling you, he might have been 60 here.

00:13:39.000 Because when he was in Hard Times, he was 50. Mandom.

00:13:45.000 Mandom.

00:13:46.000 That's beyond...

00:13:47.000 That's the kingdom of a man, what he's putting on him there. 0.78

00:13:50.000 Mandom.

00:13:51.000 1976, it says?

00:13:52.000 Find out when Hard Times was.

00:13:56.000 Oh, Japanese. 1.00

00:13:58.000 There you go.

00:13:59.000 Mandom.

00:14:00.000 And that works over there.

00:14:02.000 Hard times was what?

00:14:02.000 75. So he was 51 when he did that.

00:14:06.000 Wow.

00:14:07.000 Checked.

00:14:07.000 In the range.

00:14:08.000 Yeah, look at him in hard times. 0.99

00:14:09.000 He was fucking ripped. 0.99

00:14:10.000 I bet they sold a ton of that. 1.00

00:14:12.000 Look at that.

00:14:13.000 That's a 50-year-old man.

00:14:14.000 No HGH. No testosterone.

00:14:17.000 Just fucking push-ups. 1.00

00:14:19.000 Sit-ups and drinking milk. 1.00

00:14:21.000 He grew up in a...

00:14:22.000 Didn't he work in mines and stuff in Poland or something?

00:14:25.000 Yeah.

00:14:25.000 All those guys back then, you know...

00:14:26.000 What I like about those old movies, so many of them, is when you watch an army movie from back then, you're watching someone who was in the army and shot at people.

00:14:35.000 So it's like they actually...

00:14:37.000 You know, Lee Marvin, he was like one of two people to survive in his platoon.

00:14:43.000 Was he really?

00:14:43.000 Yeah, got shot and stuff.

00:14:44.000 I think it was a sciatic nerve issue or something from where he got shot or something.

00:14:48.000 This guy literally...

00:14:49.000 Actors weren't, you know...

00:14:52.000 What they are now, where it was a lot of pretend.

00:14:55.000 I mean, Jesus, we've been over in Iraq for 15 years.

00:14:58.000 I'm sure you could, like, there's going to be, the next Lee Marvins are going to come out of that.

00:15:03.000 Maybe.

00:15:04.000 Maybe, I don't know.

00:15:05.000 I just say things, Joe.

00:15:06.000 I do, too.

00:15:09.000 Who was that one guy that was, like, one of the first original movie stars, and he was a World War II veteran?

00:15:15.000 Audie Murphy?

00:15:16.000 Was that his name?

00:15:18.000 There was a guy who was a famous war hero who became a movie star.

00:15:22.000 Yeah, most of them were veterans because of the level of the draft, but then it becomes, what did you do when you were there?

00:15:26.000 Some of them, you know, they were in infrastructure or whatever, and then there's other people that were actually up front.

00:15:35.000 Yeah, Audie Murphy.

00:15:37.000 This is the guy.

00:15:38.000 He became a movie star.

00:15:40.000 Well, look at all this stuff on his coat.

00:15:42.000 He must have done something over there.

00:15:43.000 He was a decorated...

00:15:45.000 Okay, this is one of the most decorated American combat soldiers in World War II. And then single-handedly held off an entire German...

00:15:53.000 That's the guy who ran up with the grenade.

00:15:54.000 ...of German soldiers for an hour.

00:15:57.000 Yeah.

00:15:58.000 Wow.

00:15:59.000 So then he came back and became a movie star.

00:16:02.000 And people knew he enjoyed a 21-year acting career.

00:16:06.000 And then it just stopped.

00:16:07.000 Wow.

00:16:07.000 Well, didn't he win the Congressional Medal of Honor?

00:16:10.000 Most people don't win that and they're still alive.

00:16:13.000 Right.

00:16:13.000 So back then, that was like a celebrity.

00:16:15.000 Yeah.

00:16:16.000 You had to hold off an entire platoon, a German platoon too, who makes Porsches and Mercedes. 0.98

00:16:23.000 You know their level of guns that they had over there? 0.99

00:16:26.000 Our machine guns overheated and theirs didn't, so if you killed a German guy, you threw away the American shit and picked up their stuff. 0.99

00:16:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:32.000 Isn't that crazy? 1.00

00:16:33.000 Yeah, one of my favorite quotes ever, one of the German tank commanders was saying, every one of their, were their panzers?

00:16:39.000 Is that what theirs was called?

00:16:40.000 And I was with the Sherman tanks?

00:16:41.000 A German Tiger.

00:16:42.000 A Tiger was worth like four American tanks, but the Americans always had five.

00:16:47.000 We just totally McDonald's them, like billions and billions served.

00:16:50.000 We just kept cranking it out.

00:16:52.000 It was like, we got him, right?

00:16:53.000 And then it'd always be that last one coming over the hill. 0.99

00:16:55.000 Well, they had some massive cannon in World War I that apparently it took like a hundred men to move this enormous fucking cannon. 0.95

00:17:05.000 And Dan Carlin was talking about it in hardcore history. 0.98

00:17:09.000 What's that?

00:17:09.000 A hundred blue-eyed men to move it.

00:17:11.000 They wouldn't let anybody without blue eyes move the thing.

00:17:13.000 Did Hitler even have blue eyes?

00:17:15.000 No, he didn't.

00:17:15.000 Isn't that weird?

00:17:16.000 He was a dark-haired guy.

00:17:18.000 No, he didn't.

00:17:18.000 He looks like a cab driver in Germany.

00:17:22.000 He was everything he hated.

00:17:23.000 That was the funny thing about him.

00:17:24.000 Was not a good dancer.

00:17:25.000 If you ever saw him do his victory jigs, evidently was afraid of dogs.

00:17:30.000 Really? 1.00

00:17:31.000 I'm just repeating shit that people said. 1.00

00:17:32.000 German Shepherds. 1.00

00:17:35.000 It is amazing the kind of engineering that German people have come up with. 0.99

00:17:40.000 I mean, you think about Mercedes, Porsche, Audi, BMW, all of that out of this one part of the world.

00:17:45.000 No, and they, evidently, a lot of the leaders felt, uh, oh my god. 0.99

00:17:50.000 Look at that fucking cannon. 0.99

00:17:52.000 What is that thing called? 1.00

00:17:53.000 Most powerful gun ever built.

00:17:55.000 Heavy Gustav railway gun.

00:17:58.000 So they put this thing on, it looks like it's on tractor tires.

00:18:02.000 Like, it looks like a tractor, right?

00:18:04.000 And they're, I guess they drove this thing up.

00:18:09.000 But the way Dan Carlin describes it is incredible.

00:18:13.000 Like this unbelievable shockwave.

00:18:16.000 Everybody would have to run a mile away when the thing was going off and plug your ears up just because it would blow your eardrums literally apart.

00:18:26.000 Jesus Christ.

00:18:28.000 Yeah, they show this thing going off?

00:18:30.000 What's wrong with people?

00:18:32.000 How is war still legal?

00:18:34.000 I just don't get how that's legal.

00:18:36.000 You know what I mean?

00:18:36.000 Like, I can't walk into a bar, you know, and punch somebody in the face.

00:18:40.000 Or if they punch me, we, like, fucking go to jail. 1.00

00:18:42.000 But, like, this shit is, like... 1.00

00:18:44.000 Can't these leaders just kind of solve things amongst themselves? 1.00

00:18:48.000 No.

00:18:49.000 They can't carve it up a little?

00:18:50.000 Just, all right, listen, you take the Philippines and... 0.94

00:18:54.000 No.

00:18:54.000 You give us Guam for the, like, you know, owners of football teams.

00:18:59.000 Isn't it amazing that, I mean, that we even have what's legal and what's not legal?

00:19:03.000 I mean, what does that mean?

00:19:04.000 We wrote it down on paper, we all agreed. 0.99

00:19:06.000 I mean, think about the shit that is and isn't legal. 0.99

00:19:09.000 The fact that war's on that list at all. 0.99

00:19:11.000 I like laws.

00:19:12.000 Do you?

00:19:12.000 Yeah.

00:19:13.000 Like what ones? 0.99

00:19:14.000 You can't beat the shit out of me. 0.99

00:19:17.000 Can't come into my house and take my stuff. 0.99

00:19:19.000 What am I going to do?

00:19:20.000 What am I honestly going to do about it?

00:19:22.000 I was thinking about that when I was watching the UFC this past weekend.

00:19:26.000 I was watching this frightful beating that Alexander Gustafson put on Glover Teixeira, and it was just a ruthless knockout. 0.95

00:19:34.000 Just fucking vicious beatdown and then eventually stopped him. 0.96

00:19:37.000 And I was thinking, it's kind of crazy that these guys agree to do this. 0.98

00:19:41.000 They agree to do this, everybody signs away, and then you go do something that anywhere else in the world you would get locked up for.

00:19:48.000 That happens in hockey every once in a while where somebody goes too far and then the government gets involved.

00:19:54.000 Really?

00:19:54.000 Yeah.

00:19:55.000 Like, what do they do?

00:19:56.000 If you hit somebody in the head with a stick, that goes outside the boundaries of setting the tone. 0.99

00:20:04.000 That seems like a pussy move, though. 1.00

00:20:05.000 Hit him with a stick. 1.00

00:20:06.000 You're supposed to punch. 0.99

00:20:07.000 It's so weird when you got the stick in your hand. 1.00

00:20:12.000 It's just the shit that you sometimes think of doing. 1.00

00:20:16.000 Guys spear each other in the balls. 1.00

00:20:18.000 They fucking whack at the back. 1.00

00:20:19.000 There's no padding behind your legs. 1.00

00:20:21.000 Just imagine that.

00:20:21.000 Just taking a wood stick with NHL-level strength and just giving someone a two-hander to the back.

00:20:27.000 They break people's fingers.

00:20:28.000 Crosby almost took somebody's finger off this year.

00:20:30.000 If they get too far, if they just open the rules up a little bit, you know what's going to happen?

00:20:36.000 They're going to bring in figure skaters. 0.96

00:20:37.000 They're going to teach them taekwondo. 1.00

00:20:39.000 They're gonna cut people's fucking heads off with the skates. 1.00

00:20:44.000 Well, dude, you're spinning heel kick, man. 1.00

00:20:46.000 If you ever learned how to skate, you'd be fucking dangerous. 0.98

00:20:48.000 If you ever did that with skates on, that would be it. 0.99

00:20:50.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:20:51.000 If you teach that to somebody...

00:20:53.000 Teach that to somebody with skates?

00:20:54.000 I mean, if you could hit someone with a hockey stick, why can't you hit them with a skate?

00:20:58.000 Like, where are we drawing the line here?

00:20:59.000 You can't hit them with a stick.

00:21:00.000 But they do it.

00:21:01.000 If somebody does it to you...

00:21:02.000 No, no, they slash and they do stuff like that.

00:21:04.000 You can't club somebody over...

00:21:05.000 Even slashing. 1.00

00:21:07.000 So, okay, I'll just slash your leg out. 1.00

00:21:09.000 What would you rather have? 0.99

00:21:10.000 Would you rather get hit by a piece of wood, you know, and have a bruise there, or have somebody slash you with their skates?

00:21:16.000 I would absolutely rather get hit by the piece of wood, but I shouldn't get hit by the piece of wood.

00:21:20.000 I don't play hockey, but if I did play hockey, I'd be pretty pissed if somebody hit me with a stick. 1.00

00:21:24.000 I'd be like, you fucking pussy. 1.00

00:21:25.000 And I'd want to hit him with my skate. 1.00

00:21:27.000 You'd be like the second coming of Ty Domi. 0.52

00:21:29.000 You have the exact same build. 0.98

00:21:30.000 He's a fucking guy who somehow was like my height and was considered a heavyweight fighter. 0.97

00:21:37.000 And he's the guy, according to him, He came up with the grab them right underneath your collar and then turn all the way sideways because he didn't have the reach advantage. 0.99

00:21:51.000 And then he would wait for them to throw, he'd duck under and then come over the top.

00:21:56.000 And dude, I met him...

00:21:57.000 One time. 1.00

00:21:58.000 Great fucking guy. 1.00

00:21:59.000 And he's got... 1.00

00:22:00.000 He has, like, your hands.

00:22:01.000 You know your hands?

00:22:02.000 You make like that and it turns into a hammer.

00:22:03.000 It's the same thing. 0.99

00:22:04.000 He has, like, these inexplicable, like, bare fucking paws. 0.99

00:22:09.000 And I might be a little taller than him. 1.00

00:22:12.000 Wow.

00:22:12.000 And I remember when he tried to show me, when he grabbed the front of my shirt to show me, like, I literally felt like an adrenaline.

00:22:19.000 Flashback?

00:22:19.000 I hope this guy doesn't snap.

00:22:21.000 No, he's one of the, like, he's one of the toughest guys that ever...

00:22:25.000 Ever played.

00:22:26.000 Well, you know, when Rocky Marciano was a heavyweight champion, he was only 185 pounds.

00:22:30.000 He was 185 pounds and he was 5'10".

00:22:33.000 And he was a heavyweight champ.

00:22:34.000 That's because it wasn't Tim Hortons on everybody's... 0.99

00:22:36.000 every fucking corner. 0.99

00:22:38.000 They weren't feeding cows to other cows. 1.00

00:22:40.000 They'd be like, go ahead and eat it.

00:22:41.000 See what happens.

00:22:41.000 Dude, have you seen kids hit puberty at like eight now?

00:22:44.000 Yeah, they're huge.

00:22:45.000 Eight or nine, you gotta like teach them how to shave.

00:22:47.000 I mean, I don't know what is in...

00:22:51.000 Hormones.

00:22:51.000 Who knows what it is?

00:22:52.000 But it's no longer...

00:22:52.000 Monsanto changed their name.

00:22:56.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:56.000 What do they know?

00:22:57.000 I don't know.

00:22:58.000 That's the genius of it, because then you don't know.

00:23:00.000 The same way Halliburton changed.

00:23:03.000 Blackwater did, too.

00:23:04.000 The same way Nissan changed from Datsun.

00:23:06.000 Oh, that's right.

00:23:07.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:23:08.000 I wonder why they did that.

00:23:09.000 Datsun, they made some good cars.

00:23:11.000 They always go over the cliff.

00:23:13.000 Toyota did that, too, with Lexus.

00:23:15.000 I'm kidding.

00:23:15.000 I'm kidding with the Datsun.

00:23:15.000 I want to get fucking sued.

00:23:16.000 Honda and Toyota in this country, they both do the same thing. 0.99

00:23:19.000 They have this weird division where they make a luxury brand for Americans.

00:23:23.000 You know, they don't do, like, Acura and Honda, they don't do that in Japan.

00:23:26.000 Like, if you buy an NSX in Japan, which is their top-end car, it's a Honda.

00:23:30.000 It's a Honda NSX. Okay.

00:23:32.000 But in America, we're like, no.

00:23:34.000 You need something.

00:23:35.000 You need a better name.

00:23:35.000 No, but we have the space.

00:23:38.000 Are you saying that they can't get a luxury car over there?

00:23:40.000 No, no, no.

00:23:40.000 Oh, that's just the name.

00:23:41.000 They changed the name in America.

00:23:43.000 Because we don't want to buy a Toyota.

00:23:45.000 We assume a Toyota's a cheap car.

00:23:48.000 So they go, okay, well, we're going to make a different brand of Toyota and call it Alexis.

00:23:52.000 And everybody's like, okay, we're in.

00:23:53.000 As long as you change the name.

00:23:55.000 Oh, okay.

00:23:56.000 I was literally going to make up without any research that because they were on an island...

00:24:01.000 They don't have anywhere to drive.

00:24:02.000 They don't have anywhere to drive, so they don't let them have the fast cars.

00:24:06.000 Even that guy with $110 billion to buy a picture.

00:24:10.000 He's got nowhere to go.

00:24:11.000 No, he has like a Civic.

00:24:15.000 He can't spend his money on cars, so that's why he buys the Yard.

00:24:18.000 You're a car guy, though.

00:24:19.000 You know they have pretty fast cars.

00:24:20.000 I mean, they have ridiculously fast cars.

00:24:22.000 They have the GT-R. It's one of the fastest cars in the world.

00:24:24.000 I know, but I've never been there.

00:24:26.000 To Japan? 0.65

00:24:27.000 Yeah, I just started to listen to what you were saying, and then that whole theory developed in my head.

00:24:35.000 Japan is small, but it's not that small.

00:24:37.000 No, it isn't.

00:24:37.000 Can I mention F is for Family that it came out today?

00:24:40.000 Today.

00:24:40.000 That's why I'm here.

00:24:41.000 That's why I dragged you out of bed or whatever you were doing to do the special podcast here, which I appreciate.

00:24:47.000 Season two.

00:24:48.000 Season two of F is for Family is available to stream all of it.

00:24:53.000 It took us a year to make it, and you can devour it in five hours.

00:24:56.000 Wow.

00:24:57.000 If you have food delivered.

00:24:58.000 And then you can ask me when's season three coming out, which is what I hope you ask me, because that would mean that you enjoyed it. 0.99

00:25:03.000 I love this fucking show. 0.98

00:25:04.000 It's a hilarious show. 1.00

00:25:05.000 Oh, thank you.

00:25:06.000 I'm looking forward to this season.

00:25:07.000 It's fun, and I work with great people, thank God, because if I didn't, the amount of work that it would actually be misery, but it isn't.

00:25:14.000 It's a lot of work, though.

00:25:15.000 How much work does it take you?

00:25:18.000 Like, it takes a year to make, but how long does it take you?

00:25:22.000 Well, I mean, the writer's room is like a, you know, like a 10-week, 11-week thing, and then you're recording as you go, and then you're looking at...

00:25:32.000 You know, the first drawings of it where they sort of rough it out and be like, no, no, I have Frank standing over here and Sue's over here and it just kind of, you just keep, then you rewrite and then you're watching stuff and it doesn't play and then you rewrite it and it just, yeah, it takes a year, dude.

00:25:47.000 It takes like 10 months and then the last two months is just going, okay, deciding on strategies on how they're going to promote it.

00:25:57.000 Which amazed me, because I'm like, well, we'll fucking do what we always do.

00:26:00.000 But, like, this business just changes so rapidly that even how we promoted it when it first came out in December 2015, you know, which was almost 2016, so now we're in 2017. Like, it's...

00:26:12.000 a bunch of other stuff has changed since then, so I don't know.

00:26:16.000 Like, what's changed?

00:26:17.000 Like, what do you mean? 0.96

00:26:18.000 I fucking knew you were gonna ask me that. 0.95

00:26:19.000 Sorry. 0.97

00:26:20.000 Should I just let you go?

00:26:21.000 I can't...

00:26:22.000 What was it?

00:26:23.000 No more questions.

00:26:24.000 No, they would just go in, like, they brought me in, maybe this was my stand-up special, that's what they brought me in, and they showed, they basically showed me how everybody's Netflix screen is different. 0.95

00:26:38.000 Like, yours is different, your homepage is different, because it's all, they're just watching you watch TV, or they got this fucking thing that watches it, so the only way our screen, our top whatever, would be the exact same is if we watched the exact same shit At the same time,

00:26:54.000 and maybe even the same age group, I have no idea, but I was blown away by that.

00:26:57.000 Like, I just thought like, you know, I would look and be, oh man, my special's on the cover of Netflix.

00:27:03.000 It's like, no, it's on the cover of yours.

00:27:05.000 And whoever else is in that vibe of like, you're going to like this.

00:27:10.000 I have three different profiles.

00:27:12.000 I have one profile, and then I have one profile for each of my kids.

00:27:15.000 Okay.

00:27:16.000 So I see different stuff.

00:27:17.000 So I see that.

00:27:18.000 So if I go to my kids' homepage, like if they want to watch a show that they watch, and I go there, I see just a bunch of little kids' shows.

00:27:24.000 I don't ever see anything that I watch.

00:27:26.000 I go to mine, I see House of Cards, I see your special, I see other people's specials.

00:27:30.000 So yeah, that's what they do. 1.00

00:27:31.000 They're very smart with their algorithms, but what I don't like is this fucking thumbs up, thumbs down bullshit. 1.00

00:27:37.000 Can't do that. 1.00

00:27:38.000 What's that?

00:27:39.000 I was joking about that on my podcast.

00:27:41.000 It's like Adolf Hitler, thumbs down. 0.56

00:27:45.000 Orange juice after brushing your teeth, thumbs down.

00:27:51.000 You know what I mean?

00:27:52.000 Yeah, it's true.

00:27:53.000 Ice cream, thumbs up.

00:27:54.000 A threesome with Supermodel, thumbs up. 1.00

00:27:57.000 It's not the same. 1.00

00:27:58.000 Yeah, it's like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:27:59.000 Did they really do that because of Amy Schumer? 0.99

00:28:02.000 No, no, that was already...

00:28:04.000 Why would they do that, though?

00:28:06.000 That behemoth... 0.99

00:28:07.000 When you're that fucking big, you can't make decisions that quickly. 0.99

00:28:10.000 But everybody wanted it to be. 0.99

00:28:12.000 They did it for her!

00:28:13.000 They did it for her!

00:28:15.000 They gotta bring it back.

00:28:16.000 The star system is a perfect system.

00:28:18.000 Everybody's used to it.

00:28:19.000 We've been using it forever.

00:28:20.000 It works.

00:28:23.000 Somebody told me the star system only implies it's geared towards what you would like. 0.98

00:28:29.000 I'm like, how the fuck would they know that? 0.89

00:28:30.000 That doesn't make any sense. 0.85

00:28:32.000 And then I heard that that's not the case.

00:28:34.000 That it's basically just an average of all the people, just like on Amazon.

00:28:38.000 If you go to Amazon and you look at something, you see five stars, and you see 175 reviews, that's what it is.

00:28:44.000 Right.

00:28:44.000 But somebody told me that wasn't, the star system wasn't that.

00:28:47.000 See if you can find that out, Jamie.

00:28:49.000 Somebody said the star system was based on whether or not you would like it. 0.98

00:28:52.000 I'm like, that seems ridiculous, because I've never rated a fucking thing in my life on Netflix. 0.98

00:28:57.000 I don't get any of these places, and I don't understand how any of them fucking work. 0.98

00:29:01.000 I just, I go old school. 0.74

00:29:04.000 Like, I just try to, whatever I'm doing, I try to make it as funny as I possibly can, and try to work with the best people I possibly can, and then just hope it sticks.

00:29:13.000 And if it doesn't, I can always just keep telling jokes.

00:29:16.000 Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. 0.99

00:29:18.000 I have no idea, and I was, fuck, when I took that meeting with Netflix, I went in there like, this is a jerk-off meeting, why did I drive all the way over here to fucking have a meeting on how to promote this shit? 0.98

00:29:28.000 And when they sat down and they were done with the presentation, I was like, am I allowed to leave? 0.99

00:29:33.000 Like, you don't do the men in black thing to me before I walk out of here so I forget all that? 0.98

00:29:37.000 That was fucking amazing! 0.99

00:29:39.000 It was fucking amazing! 1.00

00:29:40.000 Like, the level with which every goddamn... 0.99

00:29:44.000 Like, there's not one drop of water that rolls off the table. 0.98

00:29:47.000 They're catching it all.

00:29:48.000 I don't know how they...

00:29:50.000 Ugh.

00:29:51.000 You know, I'm just not wired that way.

00:29:52.000 Well, that's probably good, though.

00:29:54.000 There's only so much time in the day.

00:29:55.000 Like, just to think about being funny and just concentrate and staying in your lane is probably the best option anyway.

00:30:01.000 Yeah.

00:30:02.000 I mean, it's working for me.

00:30:03.000 Yeah.

00:30:03.000 It's working for me.

00:30:04.000 You don't want to be worried about algorithms and shit. 0.99

00:30:06.000 No. 0.98

00:30:07.000 And then there's also a certain level of known that you don't want to get to because then it stops being fun.

00:30:12.000 Right.

00:30:13.000 And then...

00:30:13.000 Tom Cruise.

00:30:14.000 There's, uh...

00:30:15.000 Yeah.

00:30:16.000 Well, early Tom Cruise, it was fun to be that famous, but before social media and everybody had a camera that they could pull out like Charles Bronson in that cologne commercial, then it just becomes...

00:30:28.000 It's just something completely different.

00:30:30.000 Like, when we started in this business, like... 0.99

00:30:33.000 Being famous was courtside seats and, I don't know, fucking mountains of blow. 0.93

00:30:38.000 It says, Netflix star ratings were personalized and had been from the start. 0.95

00:30:44.000 That means when you saw a movie on Netflix rated four stars, it didn't mean the average of all ratings were four stars.

00:30:50.000 Instead, it meant that Netflix thought you'd rate it four stars based on your habits and other people's ratings, but many people didn't get that. 0.84

00:30:57.000 So how the fuck was Amy Schumer's one star? 0.57

00:31:00.000 Everybody gave it one star. 0.94

00:31:02.000 How's that work then?

00:31:03.000 It was Sandinista and Rebels.

00:31:05.000 They just all got on.

00:31:06.000 And then they threatened the people that liked her special, and that's how it went down.

00:31:10.000 Well, I guess in that case, what they did was they just said, look.

00:31:12.000 Greenpeace attacked my special.

00:31:14.000 So many...

00:31:14.000 Did they?

00:31:15.000 Yeah, it just ruined all my chances for the rest.

00:31:17.000 I did this joke about trees, and they just didn't like it.

00:31:20.000 And that's it for me.

00:31:21.000 That's how it works now.

00:31:22.000 This is a whole new world.

00:31:30.000 That seems weird though to me.

00:31:32.000 They wouldn't let it actually be rated. 0.99

00:31:36.000 The ratings were personalized based on the shit that you like. 1.00

00:31:40.000 But how the fuck do they know what you like? 1.00

00:31:41.000 You just know what I watch. 0.99

00:31:42.000 Dude, it's a riddle wrapped up in an enigma. 0.99

00:31:45.000 You're not going to figure out a fucking worldwide... 0.99

00:31:49.000 I don't know how they do it. 0.99

00:31:50.000 I don't know how they do it.

00:31:50.000 All I know is I went in and I took the meeting.

00:31:52.000 I was like, this is fucking unbelievable. 1.00

00:31:54.000 Well, they're on top of shit. 1.00

00:31:55.000 You know, the weirdest one is Alexa. 1.00

00:31:57.000 Do you know Alexa, the Amazon one?

00:31:59.000 They're using it.

00:31:59.000 They're trying to use it.

00:32:00.000 Sounds like a porn star. 0.99

00:32:01.000 Yeah, it does. 1.00

00:32:02.000 Coming to the stage.

00:32:06.000 Alexa!

00:32:06.000 They're trying to use that.

00:32:07.000 Alexa is a thing that you talk to. 1.00

00:32:09.000 You're like, Alexa, play Bill Burr's album.

00:32:11.000 I have no sympathy for people that bring that in their house. 1.00

00:32:14.000 And because those mouth-breathing fucking morons will, someday it'll be mandatory that I do and get microchipped. 1.00

00:32:19.000 And then that's going to be the end of any sort of rebellion and whatever the fuck they want to do. 1.00

00:32:24.000 That's it. 1.00

00:32:25.000 The emperor can literally fuck a flounder on TV at that point. 1.00

00:32:28.000 And they will be able to stop... 1.00

00:32:30.000 Any sort of like fucking... 0.99

00:32:31.000 Any dissent. 1.00

00:32:32.000 Any dissent.

00:32:33.000 They'll turn off your chip, which is your money.

00:32:34.000 What are you going to rebel against?

00:32:36.000 With a slingshot?

00:32:37.000 It's over. 1.00

00:32:38.000 It's a fucking wrap. 1.00

00:32:39.000 But there's too many mouth-breathing morons being like, well, what do I care if somebody, if I'm not fucking doing anything? 1.00

00:32:45.000 Those people? 1.00

00:32:46.000 Yeah.

00:32:47.000 I've had that argument with a very smart person. 0.97

00:32:50.000 When the NSA shit went down and they found out they were listening to all the calls, the guy's like, go ahead, listen. 0.99

00:32:55.000 If it keeps fucking terrorists from attacking, go ahead and listen. 1.00

00:32:57.000 I'm not doing anything wrong. 0.99

00:32:58.000 Like, wow, that's not what it is.

00:33:01.000 Like, anybody could find out your email.

00:33:03.000 They can go in your email and look at your emails and decide whether or not you're doing something wrong or right.

00:33:09.000 Or once they have that jurisdiction, even if you didn't have anything, they could say you did.

00:33:13.000 Yeah.

00:33:14.000 Well, they definitely could.

00:33:15.000 They could alter your emails.

00:33:16.000 They could do whatever they want.

00:33:17.000 That's why nobody gets whacked anymore.

00:33:19.000 People usually get whacked.

00:33:20.000 They don't get whacked anymore.

00:33:22.000 You mean killed?

00:33:23.000 Yeah, you don't.

00:33:23.000 Well, they think that Seth Rich guy got killed.

00:33:25.000 Who's that?

00:33:26.000 Pay attention to that? 1.00

00:33:27.000 No, I don't listen to shit. 1.00

00:33:28.000 I just talk. 1.00

00:33:31.000 I'm just gonna say, you can just kill him in the media. 1.00

00:33:33.000 All you gotta do is one dick pic and be like, that is his dick. 1.00

00:33:37.000 I'll give you the conspiracy theory and I'll give you what they know. 1.00

00:33:39.000 There's a guy named Seth Rich.

00:33:40.000 He's apparently a Bernie Sanders supporter.

00:33:42.000 He's working for the DNC. He found out that the DNC was fucking over... 0.99

00:33:46.000 The Democratic Natural Convention? 0.99

00:33:48.000 Natural, yeah.

00:33:49.000 National?

00:33:49.000 National, yeah.

00:33:50.000 He found out that they were fucking over Bernie Sanders and so he supposedly was giving this information to WikiLeaks. 0.89

00:33:58.000 All that information got out. 0.96

00:33:59.000 It hurt Hillary and it hurt the DNC. The head of the DNC left and she resigned and immediately went to work for Hillary Clinton. 0.99

00:34:07.000 Anyway, this guy who WikiLeaks says... 0.99

00:34:10.000 And there was no follow-up because once she resigns in mainstream news, that's the end of the fucking story. 1.00

00:34:15.000 Yeah, there was no follow. 0.98

00:34:15.000 It was pretty outrageous that she immediately got hired by Hillary Clinton. 0.98

00:34:19.000 But anyway, the kid, who was his Bernie Sanders supporter, his name was Seth Rich, he was murdered outside of his house at 4 o'clock in the morning.

00:34:25.000 They said it was a robbery.

00:34:26.000 They left his money, they left his wallet, they left his phone, they left his watch.

00:34:29.000 Nothing was taken from him, but he was shot in the back at 4 o'clock in the morning.

00:34:34.000 So Julian Assange from WikiLeaks said that there are consequences for working with us and providing us information.

00:34:40.000 So they're saying, are you saying this guy provided you information?

00:34:42.000 He said, that's just what I'm saying.

00:34:44.000 There's consequences to working with us.

00:34:46.000 And then there's this other guy, Kim.com, was this famous multi-millionaire internet character that's hiding out in New Zealand.

00:34:53.000 Wait, tell me, tell me.

00:34:53.000 I was going to say, after he lets the information out, what is the purpose of killing the guy?

00:34:58.000 Because you're not going to stop the information.

00:34:59.000 What it is is to stop other people from doing it because they all get creeped out by...

00:35:04.000 To stop other people from doing it, one, and two, so that he can't testify on the depth of all the corruption that was going on in the DNC and who had organized it and who had orchestrated it.

00:35:16.000 That's what they think. 0.99

00:35:18.000 But what the fuck? 0.99

00:35:19.000 But there's a lot of people that dispute this. 1.00

00:35:21.000 And also, there was a redacted FBI report that people were touting out that turned out to be bullshit. 0.97

00:35:27.000 And so now they found out that that was a fraud, that the FBI report was a bullshit FBI report. 0.99

00:35:32.000 So they don't know what the fuck's going on. 0.99

00:35:34.000 But this guy's dead. 0.99

00:35:35.000 So my point is he got whacked.

00:35:37.000 Whether or not he got whacked because he was working with, there it is, federal prosecutor found dead.

00:35:42.000 This guy got whacked this weekend, apparently.

00:35:44.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:35:44.000 What did he get whacked for?

00:35:45.000 Don't know exactly yet.

00:35:47.000 Jesus, you guys just blew my theory out of the water.

00:35:49.000 Yeah, he's like a 37-year-old federal prosecutor, went for a jog in South Beach and found with a gunshot wound to his head, I believe is what they say.

00:35:56.000 Whoa. 0.94

00:35:57.000 Well, he might have fucking put somebody in jail, though, that was pissed off and waited for him. 0.96

00:36:02.000 You've got to alter your behaviors. 0.95

00:36:06.000 What, when you put somebody in jail?

00:36:07.000 No, yeah, when you have jobs like that.

00:36:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:36:10.000 You can't go home the same way. 1.00

00:36:12.000 How the fuck people live like that? 1.00

00:36:15.000 Yeah, how do you live when you're a prosecutor? 1.00

00:36:16.000 I'm so glad I'm too dumb to ever get to that level of society. 0.97

00:36:22.000 Well, it's just an intense way of life, too. 0.98

00:36:24.000 You work with criminals all the time.

00:36:25.000 You're constantly working with people that are breaking the law.

00:36:27.000 You're constantly trying to put them behind bars.

00:36:30.000 This is freaking me out.

00:36:31.000 When did you start smoking a pipe?

00:36:33.000 Oh, I only have done it a couple of times.

00:36:36.000 Stephen Crowder brought it in for me.

00:36:38.000 How is it?

00:36:39.000 It's not bad.

00:36:40.000 It's not bad.

00:36:40.000 It's a little annoying.

00:36:41.000 It's not bad.

00:36:42.000 I'll do it right now.

00:36:43.000 I'll light it up for you.

00:36:43.000 I thought it would be amazing.

00:36:45.000 It's okay.

00:36:45.000 Both my grandfathers smoked a pipe.

00:36:48.000 So I am a, you know...

00:36:51.000 I like what it looks like.

00:36:53.000 It smells good.

00:36:54.000 There's a place on the west side, the tinderbox, that I've been meaning to go into.

00:36:59.000 That place on Wilshire, right?

00:37:01.000 Isn't it?

00:37:01.000 Yes.

00:37:02.000 Yeah, I know that spot.

00:37:03.000 There's a place over there and I've been meaning to go in there.

00:37:06.000 And take a pipedum?

00:37:08.000 I don't know, I just like the smell of it.

00:37:11.000 Mandom.

00:37:12.000 Oh, this is dead.

00:37:13.000 We got another one. 0.77

00:37:13.000 Just go in there and throw your shirt across the room and start smoking a pipe. 0.77

00:37:17.000 Well, while you like that, I'll tell you a little bit about F's for Family for People this season.

00:37:21.000 Frank's looking to get his job, get a job, I should say, after getting fired at the end.

00:37:27.000 That was some good active listening.

00:37:28.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:37:32.000 Is it weed you're putting in there?

00:37:33.000 No, it's tobacco. 0.99

00:37:34.000 Oh, I thought you had fucking inhaled. 0.99

00:37:35.000 You don't inhale, do you? 1.00

00:37:36.000 No.

00:37:37.000 No, you just sort of put it in your mouth.

00:37:38.000 Okay.

00:37:38.000 I'm just going to get a little puffed air.

00:37:40.000 Okay.

00:37:41.000 Kevin's trying to get his band going.

00:37:43.000 We got Laura Dirt on the show, Justin Long, Sam Rockwell, Hayley Reinhardt, Debbie Derryberry.

00:37:50.000 I think I might have inhaled the first time, did I? Yeah, I thought you did.

00:37:52.000 I might have.

00:37:53.000 We'll see how it goes.

00:37:54.000 David Koechner.

00:37:57.000 No, that time I did.

00:37:59.000 David Koechner's a funny guy.

00:38:01.000 Yeah, he's one of the silliest people I've ever met, and I love him.

00:38:03.000 Yeah, you guys got a great cast.

00:38:05.000 Do you like doing a cartoon?

00:38:07.000 Is it as satisfying for you as doing stand-up, or is it just something different that's equally satisfying?

00:38:12.000 It's just fun.

00:38:14.000 Stand-up's my first love, but the thing that I love doing is I love writing for all these other people.

00:38:24.000 You know, and I should say we, when we write for them, because everybody's in the room.

00:38:27.000 And the biggest thrill I get is at the table read.

00:38:31.000 Beyond making, you know, the powers that be laugh, when the actors crack up and they can't get through the line.

00:38:37.000 Like, we got Mo Collins this year a couple of times, and she's just a beast, man. 1.00

00:38:42.000 She just does so many characters for us.

00:38:45.000 And a couple times, like, it's just one of those things, like, man, if we're making Mo laugh, like, I know this is a good line.

00:38:51.000 And, um...

00:38:54.000 Trevor Duvall is another guy.

00:38:56.000 We got him one time.

00:38:57.000 And Koechner is hard to get to laugh, though.

00:39:00.000 He's such a pro.

00:39:01.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

00:39:01.000 And he'll say afterwards, this is some of the funniest shit I've ever done. 0.98

00:39:04.000 But to get him... 0.99

00:39:05.000 To crack.

00:39:06.000 Kind of a goal of mine.

00:39:07.000 To get him to crack?

00:39:08.000 Yeah, I've been in the booth with Laura, and we've gotten her a number of times.

00:39:13.000 And yeah, Sam Rockwell, we've gotten him laugh.

00:39:16.000 That's my favorite.

00:39:18.000 It's like making another comedian laugh.

00:39:20.000 It's an extra level of like, all right.

00:39:24.000 Especially a lot of them, the caliber of actors, the material that they've looked at.

00:39:28.000 So for them to say, and you can tell.

00:39:30.000 Anybody can say, oh my God, this is great.

00:39:32.000 But when you really make them laugh...

00:39:34.000 You can't fake that.

00:39:37.000 The table reads are fun because I think that's more like a stand-up show.

00:39:43.000 I really rehearse my lines and I make sure that I sell the shit out of them because I don't have to go back and fix them if they don't work at the table read.

00:39:52.000 That's something that I did accidentally early in my career. 0.86

00:39:56.000 And then I learned what a...

00:40:00.000 You know, I learned what a big thing that is.

00:40:02.000 Like the first acting gig that I got, I was doing some small movie or something.

00:40:05.000 They had a table read and I got there and I was overly prepared and the lines worked.

00:40:09.000 And then there was more stuff for me.

00:40:11.000 And this guy said, hey man, the writers love you, man. 0.98

00:40:13.000 You're just selling the shit out of your stuff. 0.90

00:40:14.000 And I'm thinking in my head, I was just trying not to get fired. 0.99

00:40:17.000 And then I was able to see how the game works.

00:40:21.000 Because there's actors that will go to a table read and if they don't like the material, they don't sell the stuff. 0.98

00:40:28.000 And I don't think they understand how hard people work, so at least give it a fucking... 0.98

00:40:32.000 Right. 0.98

00:40:33.000 Yeah, swing out of your cleats, see what happens.

00:40:35.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:40:35.000 But to go there and just sort of mumble your way through it, it's not a good position to get yourself into as an actor if the whole writer's room is like, oh, fuck this guy. 1.00

00:40:46.000 Yeah, wasn't that an issue on, what was that girl on one of those cop shows, not cop shows, one of those hospital shows, Grey's Anatomy? 0.98

00:40:53.000 Was that girl said she wanted to be removed from consideration for the Emmys because she didn't think the material was strong enough that year? 0.59

00:41:01.000 And they were like, oh, what?

00:41:02.000 Oh, God.

00:41:03.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00

00:41:04.000 And how writers command their money is through winning shit like that. 0.95

00:41:10.000 Obviously, being on a hit show, but if you're an Emmy award-winning writer, that's huge for them. 0.99

00:41:13.000 That's like their fucking HBO special. 1.00

00:41:15.000 So, to screw... 1.00

00:41:16.000 If they're gonna get... 0.74

00:41:18.000 They went nominated and she said, I want to take that back?

00:41:20.000 Wow.

00:41:21.000 She didn't want to be nominated.

00:41:22.000 Here it is.

00:41:23.000 Star Shuns Emmys. 0.92

00:41:24.000 Katherine Heigl this week said she had opted out of the Emmys race this year because she was not given good enough material to work with last season. 0.99

00:41:32.000 That is 29 years old on top of the fucking world. 1.00

00:41:37.000 That is just disappearing up your own fucking vagina right there. 1.00

00:41:40.000 Go back to that real quick. 1.00

00:41:41.000 So that was 10 years ago.

00:41:43.000 I don't know who that is.

00:41:43.000 Exactly.

00:41:44.000 Is she still working?

00:41:44.000 Not really.

00:41:45.000 No.

00:41:46.000 She dropped off the face of the planet 10 years ago.

00:41:48.000 She was a big star.

00:41:50.000 She started doing movies.

00:41:51.000 She did that movie with Seth Rogen.

00:41:53.000 Is she trying to motivate people now?

00:41:55.000 Yeah.

00:41:56.000 Knocked up. 1.00

00:41:57.000 She's fucking dropped off the face of the planet. 1.00

00:41:59.000 Now she's 40. 38. Let's be honest here. 1.00

00:42:02.000 She's 38. Well, basically 10 years ago.

00:42:06.000 40 is 38. I mean, I'm 49. I'm 50. Trust me.

00:42:12.000 That's what happens though. 0.99

00:42:13.000 That 10 years flies by and nobody wants to do shit with you anymore. 0.99

00:42:17.000 Now she's got a tainted word. 0.99

00:42:18.000 She's got a tainted name. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Yeah.

00:42:21.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:22.000 She's apparently softened her stance and she's, you know, apologized for her youthful exuberance.

00:42:29.000 But... 0.99

00:42:29.000 Hey, we're dumb. 0.99

00:42:30.000 In her 20s, we're dumb. 1.00

00:42:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:42:32.000 I give her a pass. 0.99

00:42:33.000 Dumb as fuck. 1.00

00:42:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:33.000 I give her a pass. 1.00

00:42:34.000 Poor girl. 1.00

00:42:35.000 Good for you.

00:42:35.000 Yeah, what are you gonna do?

00:42:36.000 You do dumb shit. 1.00

00:42:37.000 Oh yeah. 1.00

00:42:38.000 In your 20s. 1.00

00:42:38.000 That's pretty dumb though. 1.00

00:42:39.000 Huh? 1.00

00:42:40.000 That's pretty dumb. 1.00

00:42:40.000 That's ferociously dumb. 1.00

00:42:42.000 I could beat that with a few things in my 20s. 0.99

00:42:44.000 Don't you think that's not like a rash decision?

00:42:45.000 That's something that was thought over, decided, reinforced, said it more than one time, and then...

00:42:53.000 Yeah, but there's a certain level of like, not only egomania with celebrity, but there's also paranoia. 0.98

00:42:59.000 And I think that, like, you just fucking... 0.98

00:43:02.000 It all swirls together in your head. 0.99

00:43:05.000 And, like, you know, like, maybe thinking about an old acting, am I doing the work?

00:43:10.000 Is this worthy? 0.99

00:43:11.000 Like, you got that fucking going on with... 0.97

00:43:14.000 If you're just remotely a pleasant person, when you get to a certain level of fame, people are just like... 0.99

00:43:20.000 You are just the most amazing, like, I sneezed and you said God bless you. 0.92

00:43:25.000 I mean, he is so down to earth, like, the level that you have to just fucking barely even be a fucking decent human being to just get this avalanche of compliments. 0.94

00:43:34.000 If you got that going on and then you got this fucking paranoia thing, like, uh... 0.97

00:43:39.000 Is this the move? 0.99

00:43:40.000 Is this what I wanted?

00:43:41.000 Is this what I want to hang my hat on with this Emmy? 0.99

00:43:43.000 And you just start fucking having your own inside the actor's studio with yourself? 0.96

00:43:47.000 I think it's just a diss on the writers. 0.99

00:43:49.000 That's what I would say.

00:43:51.000 I would say what she's doing is just dissing the writers. 1.00

00:43:53.000 She's just saying...

00:43:53.000 So in your world, it's a sketch.

00:43:54.000 For me, it was a trilogy of a movie.

00:43:57.000 I was really going somewhere with that.

00:43:58.000 A trilogy?

00:43:59.000 Three-parter.

00:44:00.000 I was just joking how I built it all up in her head. 1.00

00:44:03.000 You're just like, yeah, I think she's just being a cunt. 1.00

00:44:05.000 LAUGHTER They call him old brass tacks Rogan. 1.00

00:44:11.000 Just gets right down to it.

00:44:13.000 That is my method.

00:44:14.000 I'm more of a brass...

00:44:15.000 I'm not really...

00:44:16.000 Ground and pound.

00:44:17.000 You ground and pound it.

00:44:18.000 You don't feel him out in the first round.

00:44:20.000 You take him right down to the mat.

00:44:22.000 When it comes to people like that, I'm like, I've seen that before.

00:44:24.000 I know what that is.

00:44:25.000 You go double leg takedown and then that's it.

00:44:27.000 Especially with actors.

00:44:28.000 I mean, I met a lot of nice actors, don't get me wrong, but maybe it's 50% of them?

00:44:34.000 That's a bad number. 0.95

00:44:35.000 Like, 50% of actors are pretty fucking cool. 0.98

00:44:37.000 But you worked back when they could be a douche. 0.98

00:44:40.000 Ah, that's true.

00:44:41.000 Now you can't.

00:44:42.000 That's right.

00:44:43.000 Now you can't.

00:44:44.000 Yeah, people tell.

00:44:46.000 Yeah, no, no, it's just because everybody stole all the movies and they stole all the music.

00:44:52.000 You know, there's people like, where's all the good music?

00:44:54.000 I wish I was born during the grunge era.

00:44:56.000 It's like, well, if this model existed back then, you would have ruined that too. 0.97

00:44:59.000 Because you cunts don't pay for anything. 1.00

00:45:01.000 So you get what you pay for. 1.00

00:45:02.000 You get shitty movies, you know, about superheroes and all that. 0.91

00:45:05.000 So now, that's what it is. 0.89

00:45:06.000 It's going to be superheroes or, you know, some sort of whatever. 0.98

00:45:10.000 Fucking, oh my god, am I 40 now? 0.98

00:45:12.000 One of those comedies. 0.99

00:45:14.000 And, um...

00:45:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:45:16.000 What the fuck was my point? 0.99

00:45:17.000 What were you even talking about? 0.99

00:45:19.000 People don't pay for anything anymore. 0.98

00:45:20.000 That's why everything sucks. 0.61

00:45:21.000 No, no, that's what I made it. 0.96

00:45:21.000 That's what I made it. 0.96

00:45:22.000 That wasn't your thing.

00:45:23.000 I was talking about, oh, you can't be a douche now because the work's dried up.

00:45:26.000 There's not as many of them.

00:45:27.000 That's why there's, like, all these stars piling on like the Golden State Warriors every movie. 0.96

00:45:32.000 Back in the day, like, to make Ocean's Eleven happen when all of those people could have had their own starring vehicle and make all of this fucking money. 0.94

00:45:40.000 God, I hope I'm right on this one. 0.66

00:45:42.000 You mean the original Ocean's Eleven?

00:45:45.000 No, even the one in the early 2000s.

00:45:47.000 The few times I did movies, everybody told me, you just missed it. 0.99

00:45:51.000 You fucking missed it. 0.98

00:45:53.000 It all ended in 05, 06, and I started getting work in like fucking 09, 2010. They were like, oh my god, they'd fucking pay for John Travolta's jet fuel. 0.99

00:46:02.000 He'd come in his own fucking... 0.99

00:46:04.000 You know? 0.99

00:46:05.000 To do, like, one of those Hogs movies, like riding on a motorcycle. 0.99

00:46:08.000 He'd be like, okay, you gotta pay for my 747. They're like, oh, John, John.

00:46:12.000 Goes without saying.

00:46:13.000 Goes without saying.

00:46:15.000 I'm gonna fly back and forth from the set on the weekend in my own 747. 12-hour...

00:46:20.000 Hey, whatever you want. 1.00

00:46:22.000 We'll build a fucking airfield for you right next to... 1.00

00:46:25.000 When we do Stayin' Alive, we'll fucking do... 0.99

00:46:27.000 Like, when you hear some... 0.92

00:46:28.000 I mean, I'm obviously exaggerating to a certain level, but, like, some of the budgets... 0.99

00:46:33.000 That were around in the way that they burned through fucking money. 0.96

00:46:36.000 And now it all just... 1.00

00:46:37.000 It's like it's the Serengeti during the dry season and all the fucking lions are fucking... 0.99

00:46:42.000 Everybody's drinking next to each other, so... 1.00

00:46:44.000 But don't they still make big movies now?

00:46:46.000 I mean, don't...

00:46:46.000 All these, like, blockbuster movies...

00:46:49.000 They do that.

00:46:49.000 They still make...

00:46:50.000 No, but if you notice, but there's, like...

00:46:52.000 It's not just a Tom Cruise movie. 0.98

00:46:53.000 They'll be, like, fucking all these other people pile... 0.99

00:46:55.000 Like those superhero movies... 0.99

00:46:58.000 There's someone who used to be able to carry a movie in each slot.

00:47:02.000 Right.

00:47:02.000 I'm not saying they still don't get movies.

00:47:04.000 It's just dried up.

00:47:06.000 People in the industry told me.

00:47:07.000 Men in Black 3 star Will Smith forced to move his huge $2 million trailer as New York residents complain.

00:47:15.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

00:47:16.000 Look at that trailer.

00:47:17.000 That's his gym, just for working out.

00:47:18.000 That's just his gym?

00:47:19.000 Yeah, he had another trailer, too. 0.99

00:47:21.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:47:22.000 For hanging out or whatever. 0.99

00:47:23.000 Kevin James had a trailer just for working out.

00:47:25.000 When we did Zookeeper together, he had a full gym in a trailer that you rent. 0.99

00:47:30.000 I mean, it had a fucking tanning booth in it. 0.99

00:47:33.000 That was for Here Comes the Boom. 0.99

00:47:34.000 For Here Comes the Boom, he had to get in shape because he was playing a guy who became a UFC fighter.

00:47:39.000 Yeah, I like that movie.

00:47:39.000 It's a fun movie.

00:47:39.000 Yeah, he did a great job.

00:47:41.000 Yeah, he did.

00:47:41.000 He lost a shitload of weight, too.

00:47:44.000 Started drinking kale shakes in the morning and working out constantly, so he had a full gym.

00:47:48.000 Dude, nothing will get you in shape like knowing you're going to have to take your shirt off in a movie. 1.00

00:47:53.000 Nothing will motivate you like, fuck this. 0.99

00:47:55.000 Yeah, definitely help. 1.00

00:47:56.000 Give me all the green shit you got, I'll drink it. 1.00

00:47:59.000 I will fucking drink that. 1.00

00:48:00.000 If you could somehow, if there was an app that you listened to when you were asleep and it convinced you that you were going to have to take your shirt off in a movie, like the level of shape that Americans would get into, I think would be crazy. 0.99

00:48:12.000 Do you?

00:48:13.000 What about Burt Kreischer?

00:48:15.000 Burt Kreischer is a rare animal.

00:48:17.000 He's like a white tiger.

00:48:19.000 You know, he's very valuable.

00:48:21.000 Like an albino deer.

00:48:22.000 Like, if you ever get to the level, if you get bored with just, you know, and you want to go for the ultimate prey, like, that's the head you want on your wall.

00:48:29.000 You want Bert Kreischer.

00:48:34.000 Bert is like, yeah, he has, I don't know how he's wired, but like, he does not, I would love to ask, you have to ask him that.

00:48:46.000 Ask him, Bert, what humiliates you?

00:48:51.000 That dude is really just like fearless.

00:48:53.000 Well, he's definitely fearless of taking his shirt off.

00:48:55.000 Takes his shirt off every show.

00:48:57.000 Like immediately.

00:48:58.000 Takes his shirt off and then puts his hat back on. 1.00

00:49:00.000 Shirt off, has a fucking chaps on. 1.00

00:49:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:02.000 Chaps? 1.00

00:49:03.000 He did that at the goddamn comedy gym. 1.00

00:49:05.000 No, he came out. 1.00

00:49:06.000 Oh, I remember.

00:49:06.000 I had to follow him.

00:49:07.000 He went out and he fucking did Red Hot Chili Peppers. 0.98

00:49:11.000 Give it away now. 1.00

00:49:12.000 And came out with just a sock on his junk. 0.98

00:49:14.000 And convinced everyone else in the band to do it. 0.96

00:49:18.000 And they did it?

00:49:18.000 Most of them didn't want to do it.

00:49:20.000 He's fucking Bert. 0.99

00:49:21.000 He led him over the hill like in Braveheart. 1.00

00:49:23.000 They all walked out with their socks. 0.98

00:49:25.000 And I'm sitting there like, how the fuck am I going to follow this? 0.95

00:49:27.000 And what did you have to sing? 0.98

00:49:29.000 Oh, I don't sing.

00:49:30.000 Did you play the drums?

00:49:31.000 I just played drums.

00:49:31.000 You can't go wrong, though.

00:49:33.000 You're back there with the drums.

00:49:34.000 You can follow that.

00:49:36.000 It's not the same. 0.99

00:49:37.000 Dude, you're talking the level of energy and the level of the crowd being like, dude, what the fuck? 0.97

00:49:45.000 The show is over, dude. 0.99

00:49:46.000 The show is over.

00:49:49.000 Why didn't they have him go last?

00:49:52.000 That's the exact question I asked Josh Adam Myers, who also does a voice on Howlin' Hank, the DJ. I remember when he came up with the DJ character, I'm like, I got the guy with the perfect voice.

00:50:06.000 But, yeah, I don't know why.

00:50:08.000 I should have been going on last.

00:50:09.000 I think it's like, they view that show more like how many years have you been doing stand-up.

00:50:14.000 It's like, no, this is not a stand-up.

00:50:15.000 This is a music show.

00:50:17.000 Who has the most musical ability or, like, is going to make the crowd go the craziest?

00:50:23.000 I mean, come on, dude. 0.99

00:50:24.000 Even if you didn't know anything about show business, these guys are going to come out with nothing but socks on their dicks. 0.99

00:50:30.000 That's going last. 0.99

00:50:31.000 Right.

00:50:32.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:50:33.000 That's what I would say, if I was scheduling it.

00:50:35.000 I can't remember what I did after that.

00:50:38.000 Play the drums.

00:50:39.000 Well, I did enough stand-up to try to make them forget about what they saw before that, but I don't remember what song I played.

00:50:45.000 So that show has stand-up too?

00:50:46.000 Like, you do a little stand-up as well?

00:50:47.000 Yeah, well, the way it started out was you would come out and just talk about how much you loved music, and then you'd talk about the awful band you played in, or some of the concerts you went to, or a rock star that they meant something to you, and...

00:51:01.000 What you got inspired to do.

00:51:03.000 There you go.

00:51:04.000 That's me trying to be Steven Adler with the tattoo, the heart tattoo.

00:51:09.000 So I probably played either Welcome to the Jungle or Paradise City on that one. 0.99

00:51:13.000 It's fun as shit, dude. 0.90

00:51:15.000 And the reason why I dress up like the drummers is because I don't want people to think that, you know... 0.98

00:51:19.000 I play drums good enough where people will be like, Wait, does this guy think he's good?

00:51:24.000 Yeah, there you go.

00:51:26.000 He's in a bikini.

00:51:27.000 I'm trying to find the socks.

00:51:28.000 Okay.

00:51:29.000 That was before the weight loss challenge, too.

00:51:32.000 Yep.

00:51:33.000 He put most of that weight back on, though.

00:51:35.000 Tommy didn't.

00:51:36.000 I went to Tommy's house the other day to do his podcast. 0.95

00:51:38.000 Segura, he looks fucking great. 0.95

00:51:40.000 He's lost more weight. 0.98

00:51:42.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:43.000 He's disciplined now.

00:51:44.000 Yes, he is.

00:51:45.000 He's exercising constantly.

00:51:47.000 Eerily quiet sometimes when you stand next to him.

00:51:49.000 Tom?

00:51:50.000 Yes.

00:51:50.000 Really?

00:51:51.000 Yeah.

00:51:51.000 I just peer into his head sometimes, like, what's going on in there?

00:51:54.000 What do you see?

00:51:55.000 I don't know.

00:51:57.000 I don't know.

00:51:58.000 I love Tom, but I'm telling you.

00:52:00.000 Is something happening in there?

00:52:01.000 Huh?

00:52:02.000 I would love to bring him on here and interview him.

00:52:04.000 Well, he's definitely intense.

00:52:06.000 He's intense.

00:52:07.000 In a way that he doesn't show a lot of people.

00:52:09.000 Like, the way he prepared for this weight loss challenge. 0.99

00:52:11.000 I'm a dark dude, and when I go into a room, if you're a psycho, you spot another psycho, and it's just like, there's a fucking movie going on there that I would love to finance. 0.98

00:52:21.000 I want to see that movie made. 0.98

00:52:28.000 Him and his wife, I think, that's the funniest comedy couple.

00:52:31.000 Next to Moshe Kasher, it's like Moshe Kasher and his wife, Natasha Leggero, those two, and then Tommy Buns and Christina.

00:52:43.000 I gotta go with Tommy and Christina.

00:52:45.000 They're close, though.

00:52:46.000 I'm seeing a new reality show.

00:52:47.000 It's close.

00:52:48.000 Comedy couples!

00:52:49.000 I'm your host, Joe Rogan!

00:52:52.000 Last comic standing with comic meets the newlywed game.

00:52:57.000 Huh?

00:52:58.000 I like it.

00:52:58.000 That's all you have to do to pitch.

00:52:59.000 You just pitch two shows that worked.

00:53:01.000 The Newlywed Game and Last Comic Standing.

00:53:03.000 Yeah, you ask them questions and all of that stuff.

00:53:06.000 Who else is out there?

00:53:07.000 You got Tom Carter and Carrie Louise.

00:53:10.000 Right?

00:53:11.000 Okay.

00:53:12.000 I'm just saying comedians that married each other.

00:53:15.000 Okay, it's one season.

00:53:16.000 Oh, Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Voss.

00:53:18.000 Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Voss.

00:53:19.000 They're contenders.

00:53:20.000 They're contenders.

00:53:21.000 They're in the running as well for the funniest couple.

00:53:24.000 Who else?

00:53:25.000 Well, how do you keep this going, Joe?

00:53:26.000 I don't know.

00:53:27.000 There's not that many.

00:53:27.000 How do you keep this going for five seasons?

00:53:28.000 You don't.

00:53:29.000 You barely can get three episodes out of it.

00:53:31.000 Is it a special?

00:53:31.000 Is it something you would loan your name to?

00:53:34.000 No.

00:53:34.000 Could this live?

00:53:35.000 Where would this live?

00:53:36.000 I'm just trying to get a check.

00:53:36.000 Where would this live?

00:53:37.000 I just want to sell it to you, and then run away.

00:53:40.000 I like it.

00:53:41.000 Well, listen, we just got in business with Liquid Drano, and they want to get into the streaming business, and they got all kinds of money.

00:53:48.000 They know they're going to lose money in this first year, so we'll give you, we're just going to throw money at you.

00:53:52.000 I have one request.

00:53:53.000 What's that?

00:53:53.000 Mario Lopez.

00:53:54.000 Host.

00:53:55.000 Mario Lopez.

00:53:55.000 Can we get him?

00:53:56.000 Do we know him?

00:53:57.000 Yes.

00:53:58.000 What does he do?

00:53:58.000 He's a boxer.

00:53:59.000 Mario Lopez.

00:54:00.000 He wasn't on Saved by the Bell?

00:54:01.000 Did that too.

00:54:02.000 But now entertainment reporter slash boxer.

00:54:05.000 Oh and he's a boxer.

00:54:06.000 Yeah.

00:54:06.000 Another guy shredded.

00:54:07.000 Good looking guy.

00:54:08.000 And he hosted.

00:54:09.000 Yes.

00:54:11.000 There you go.

00:54:11.000 So like the women are married to a guy that's not as good looking as Mario and that's part of the drama of the show.

00:54:17.000 What do you think?

00:54:19.000 What channel?

00:54:19.000 Where does this live?

00:54:20.000 Bravo, for sure.

00:54:22.000 I always just picture in the industry, like whenever you don't know what to say, you just go, where does this live?

00:54:25.000 Where does this live?

00:54:26.000 Is this in our palate? 0.99

00:54:28.000 You know what I've been watching lately that's fucking ridiculously addictive in some fucked up way is Million Dollar Listing. 0.98

00:54:36.000 You ever watch that show? 0.99

00:54:37.000 Do you know what it is?

00:54:38.000 Yes! 0.99

00:54:38.000 These gay guys are selling houses. 0.99

00:54:40.000 Yes, my wife watches that show with that fucking, the gay guy who lives in Connecticut. 1.00

00:54:48.000 Yes, he's ridiculous. 1.00

00:54:50.000 He looks like he's claymation. 1.00

00:54:51.000 He doesn't look like a real person.

00:54:53.000 His teeth are so white.

00:54:54.000 I am the number one real estate agent in all of New York.

00:54:58.000 I'm the best.

00:54:59.000 I love that guy.

00:55:00.000 And I love when he starts speaking, what is he, speaks Swedish?

00:55:03.000 Yes.

00:55:03.000 And out of nowhere he just buzzs.

00:55:04.000 No, that's not the guy.

00:55:05.000 That's not him?

00:55:06.000 That's not him.

00:55:07.000 Oh, that's the one from...

00:55:08.000 No, that's the other one.

00:55:10.000 The one on the far right.

00:55:11.000 On the right.

00:55:12.000 Yeah, the far right guy.

00:55:12.000 That guy.

00:55:13.000 That's the fucking guy. 1.00

00:55:14.000 There he is. 1.00

00:55:15.000 Oh, the one in the middle looks a lot like him.

00:55:17.000 God, that's weird.

00:55:18.000 They all have on lipstick.

00:55:20.000 They look exactly the same.

00:55:21.000 Million dollar listing.

00:55:23.000 That's Los Angeles.

00:55:24.000 That's the different one.

00:55:25.000 Yeah, the one in New York. 1.00

00:55:27.000 That fucking Gestapo fucking gay dude. 1.00

00:55:30.000 I love that guy. 1.00

00:55:33.000 So the guy in the middle, I haven't seen that guy before.

00:55:36.000 I've only seen the one in New York with the male model in the middle.

00:55:40.000 There's a male model. 0.95

00:55:40.000 The one on the right is an angry psycho like me. 0.95

00:55:42.000 The dude in the middle is sort of a middle ground, and then the other guy is like, I mean, he's right out of Hogan's Heroes.

00:55:48.000 There was a house that they were selling in Los Angeles that was on that show, and I was watching it, and they were trying to sell it for $20 million, and it was for sale recently.

00:55:56.000 It's actually a house that's really for sale, but it's like right above Sunset Strip.

00:56:01.000 Like, you could see it from the strip.

00:56:02.000 Like, imagine buying a $20 million house, and you could just look at it.

00:56:05.000 Like, you can look into the windows.

00:56:06.000 I mean, it's a half a block above the strip.

00:56:08.000 You're looking out your window like a CVS is across the street.

00:56:13.000 No?

00:56:13.000 Yeah.

00:56:14.000 Okay, I just thought you were...

00:56:16.000 But it is like that.

00:56:17.000 It's on the street.

00:56:18.000 It's right there.

00:56:19.000 It's not above it.

00:56:20.000 Here's the strip. 0.74

00:56:20.000 Here's Sunset Strip. 0.74

00:56:21.000 Here's the first couple of buildings.

00:56:23.000 It's right there. 0.98

00:56:24.000 I mean, it's fucking right there. 0.99

00:56:25.000 Right. 0.98

00:56:25.000 But they wanted $20 million from it, and the listings died. 0.98

00:56:28.000 Do you believe that those are true?

00:56:29.000 Because, like, the last episode I watched is, like, the...

00:56:36.000 The gay Gestapo guy is sitting there going, he walks in to this lady and he just goes, okay, here's the offer.

00:56:45.000 The final offer they can give you is $11.3 million.

00:56:50.000 I saw that one.

00:56:50.000 She read him the right act.

00:56:51.000 I told you, no negotiations. 1.00

00:56:52.000 Don't come in here, waste my fucking time, blah, blah, blah. 1.00

00:56:54.000 And he's just sitting there going, oh my God, oh my God. 1.00

00:56:57.000 And I was surprised he took that level of shit. 1.00

00:57:02.000 I was waiting for him to be like, lady, it's not my fault you think it's worth $15 million? 1.00

00:57:06.000 You fucking lunatic? 1.00

00:57:07.000 Yeah, you can't do that. 1.00

00:57:08.000 So he just sits there and listens.

00:57:09.000 And then she leaves. 0.99

00:57:11.000 And I'm like, holy shit, they finally didn't sell a house. 0.99

00:57:14.000 And then just boom, two seconds later, somebody calls up. 0.99

00:57:17.000 Or after he does the whole, she walked out the door. 0.68

00:57:20.000 It was like winter in Russia, right? 0.96

00:57:24.000 And he fucking, all of a sudden, somebody calls up out of nowhere and just goes, all right, 11-6... 0.98

00:57:31.000 Final offer, that's it. 0.99

00:57:32.000 And then he calls the lady up and then she's all just like, see, that's all I wanted.

00:57:36.000 Yeah, that's the exact show I watched.

00:57:38.000 Yeah, and I was just like, that was too easy.

00:57:40.000 And there's the handsome model who just takes his shirt off all the time and he's ripped.

00:57:44.000 That guy with the Jewish fellow with the long hair. 0.84

00:57:47.000 My wife likes him.

00:57:48.000 Of course she does.

00:57:48.000 Yeah.

00:57:49.000 Women like him.

00:57:49.000 Guy's shredded.

00:57:50.000 Yeah, I don't care.

00:57:51.000 I don't care getting mad at that.

00:57:52.000 Beautiful man.

00:57:53.000 She could literally be like, I'm leaving you for him.

00:57:56.000 And I'd be like, I get that.

00:57:57.000 I get it.

00:57:58.000 I see it.

00:57:59.000 You gotta do what you gotta do.

00:58:00.000 Good for you, man.

00:58:02.000 Congratulations.

00:58:03.000 Give me some knuckles. 0.95

00:58:04.000 There you go.

00:58:04.000 Hey, at least we had a kid together.

00:58:05.000 Give me a hug.

00:58:06.000 You know?

00:58:08.000 Imagine you're taking custody, too.

00:58:10.000 I figure.

00:58:10.000 You know, he's a better-looking dad.

00:58:11.000 He's probably better at it than me.

00:58:15.000 Yeah, it's tough to fight that off.

00:58:17.000 It's about 6'2", shredded.

00:58:20.000 And he keeps a certain amount of chest hair on it, too.

00:58:23.000 You really analyzed this guy, dude.

00:58:25.000 I did. 0.99

00:58:25.000 I fucking nod. 0.99

00:58:26.000 I usually... 1.00

00:58:27.000 I got my little glass of fucking whatever I'm drinking at that point. 0.99

00:58:31.000 My little helper to get me to sleep. 1.00

00:58:33.000 What do you drink?

00:58:34.000 Dude, I drink gasoline.

00:58:36.000 I drink gas, dude.

00:58:38.000 How often are you drinking?

00:58:40.000 Because you took a long time off, right?

00:58:42.000 Didn't you take a few months?

00:58:43.000 Yeah, I take periods.

00:58:45.000 I'm in the middle of a Joe DiMaggio streak right now.

00:58:47.000 I didn't drink last night, but I had family come in.

00:58:51.000 Uh, two weekends this month to meet my daughter, and so, like, that was a lot of, like, you know, beer drinking.

00:58:58.000 I mean, it's just, you know, boozing and whatever.

00:59:01.000 Like, I feel I'm being good if I drink hard stuff, because it's not as many calories as beer, but, um...

00:59:08.000 Yeah.

00:59:08.000 I've been on a wine streak lately.

00:59:10.000 I can't deal with the fact that it makes your teeth gray.

00:59:13.000 I hate that.

00:59:13.000 Then you're sitting there, if you drink red wine, it turns into gray, and then you're like, ha ha!

00:59:16.000 I drink so much coffee, my teeth are kind of jacked anyway.

00:59:20.000 Oh.

00:59:20.000 They're going a little yellow.

00:59:21.000 Yeah, I definitely...

00:59:25.000 I don't know.

00:59:25.000 I definitely...

00:59:26.000 Yeah, I go through periods.

00:59:27.000 I got inspired recently because I read something about some celebrity that fucking was already good looking and then they just laid off the booze being like, yeah, I kind of was going too hard and the dude was even better looking.

00:59:38.000 I was just like, yeah, I gotta cut this out. 0.95

00:59:40.000 I gotta knock this off, so...

00:59:42.000 Getting off booze is going to make you better looking?

00:59:44.000 No, it's going to make you a better looking you.

00:59:49.000 How's that? 1.00

00:59:51.000 Because you're fucking pouring that shit into you. 1.00

00:59:53.000 It's not good for you. 1.00

00:59:54.000 You're literally asking me if you live a healthier lifestyle, you're going to look a little better. 1.00

00:59:58.000 Dude, if you're eating moon pies and fucking drinking beer and stuff, you're going to look horrible. 0.99

01:00:03.000 Would you rather enjoy yourself or look better? 1.00

01:00:07.000 Oh, dude, I literally was thinking that last night when I was sitting there going like, all right, I'm not drinking tonight.

01:00:12.000 I'm not going to have that little one.

01:00:14.000 And, you know, my wife always, I come walking and she hears the ice in the glass before I even get down the hall.

01:00:20.000 Did she give you a hard time? 0.89

01:00:22.000 Oh, another one, huh?

01:00:24.000 No, no, no.

01:00:24.000 You can't just be sober?

01:00:26.000 You don't enjoy me sober? 1.00

01:00:29.000 No, she's more like, ah, Christ, you're going to be fucking snoring all night? 0.99

01:00:35.000 No, my wife's always this. 1.00

01:00:37.000 I'll always be like, oh, my God, I think I'm a fucking alcoholic. 0.99

01:00:39.000 She's like, you're not an alcoholic. 1.00

01:00:41.000 You're so fucking dramatic. 1.00

01:00:42.000 You just like to drink. 0.99

01:00:43.000 It's like, all right, you're right.

01:00:45.000 But... 0.96

01:00:46.000 We did have this whole fucking thing where she just, like, I'd come walking in with a drink, and she just, oh, last year when we were doing the show, and just the stress of writing and just thinking all day and coming home. 0.99

01:00:56.000 I was, like, really fucking hitting it a little harder. 0.98

01:00:59.000 So I'd come into the room, and she was looking at my pores, and I went from this to this to this to getting, like, bigger. 0.98

01:01:04.000 And then one night I came walking in, and she just goes, Jesus Christ!

01:01:08.000 Why don't you just bring the whole bottle down?

01:01:09.000 Like, I only had one!

01:01:11.000 She goes, look at it! 1.00

01:01:12.000 Fucking thing is huge! 1.00

01:01:13.000 Ha ha ha! 1.00

01:01:14.000 And that's when I came up.

01:01:15.000 I go, it's a home pour.

01:01:18.000 A home pour?

01:01:19.000 A home pour.

01:01:20.000 Oh. 1.00

01:01:20.000 Well, you go out to the fucking... 1.00

01:01:23.000 The whiskey bars and shit, and they take like an eyedropper out. 1.00

01:01:27.000 They have like a giant like glacier fucking ice cube in there, and then they just, you know, a little wet your whistle shot. 0.99

01:01:32.000 It doesn't even go up like an eighth of the ice cube. 0.97

01:01:37.000 That's a commercial pour.

01:01:39.000 And then you got the home pour, which is me, is you cover the ice cube.

01:01:45.000 You get one of those big square ones in there, you know, and you just pour over it.

01:01:51.000 I got a buddy that takes it to the next level.

01:01:53.000 He takes a smoker.

01:01:54.000 He puts water in the smoker.

01:01:56.000 So he leaves it in there for like a half an hour.

01:01:58.000 So the smoke embeds the water.

01:02:00.000 Then he takes the water out of the smoker and pours it into this circular cube maker, circular ice ball maker.

01:02:07.000 You know, you pour it in there so it's smoky water.

01:02:10.000 And then he drops that in a glass and pours his whiskey over the smoke-infused water.

01:02:16.000 A little too much.

01:02:17.000 It's a little redundant.

01:02:18.000 A little too much.

01:02:19.000 That's what I said.

01:02:20.000 That's like that band Striper.

01:02:21.000 Remember them?

01:02:22.000 Oh, they were the Christian band.

01:02:24.000 Remember all the stripes?

01:02:25.000 Like, they just took it too far? 0.97

01:02:26.000 Like, everything was fucking striped. 0.99

01:02:29.000 Weren't they, like, super Christian? 1.00

01:02:30.000 The guy's whole fucking drum kit. 1.00

01:02:32.000 Like, the cymbal stands were all yellow and black striped. 1.00

01:02:35.000 That's too much.

01:02:36.000 It's like, we get it, you striper.

01:02:38.000 I didn't know.

01:02:39.000 I'm not aware of these guys.

01:02:41.000 Now, that is... 0.58

01:02:44.000 Oh, this is disgusting.

01:02:46.000 Yellow and black.

01:02:47.000 That's what I think having a smoke-infused...

01:02:49.000 It's already going to have a peaty taste to it.

01:02:52.000 Now, am I wrong about them being the Christian band?

01:02:56.000 No, no, you're right.

01:02:57.000 They are?

01:02:57.000 The drummer's name was Robert Sweet.

01:02:59.000 I remember that.

01:03:01.000 And I don't think that's a stage name.

01:03:03.000 That's how nice it was.

01:03:04.000 I have no idea.

01:03:06.000 53.5.

01:03:07.000 They have a quote in the back.

01:03:09.000 That's hilarious.

01:03:10.000 Yeah, but they hit a market.

01:03:10.000 They dress like bees.

01:03:13.000 They hit that bumblebee market.

01:03:16.000 Why Ted Cruz?

01:03:17.000 Oh, the guy looks like Ted Cruz.

01:03:20.000 The picture of Ted Cruz and the guy.

01:03:23.000 It does look like Ted Cruz.

01:03:24.000 It's hilarious.

01:03:25.000 Ted Cruz has a Pee Wee Herman haircut, too, right there.

01:03:27.000 It does a little bit.

01:03:28.000 A little Bob's Big Boy, a little coif going on there. 0.57

01:03:30.000 Meanwhile, I'd be happy with him as president right now.

01:03:33.000 I'd be happier.

01:03:35.000 Would you not be?

01:03:36.000 He creeped me out.

01:03:37.000 Did he?

01:03:38.000 Creep you out more than Trump?

01:03:39.000 Yeah, I voted for Gary Johnson.

01:03:42.000 I did too.

01:03:42.000 I like that guy.

01:03:43.000 He just was sane.

01:03:45.000 That's all I was looking for at that point.

01:03:47.000 And I like Bernie Sanders too.

01:03:49.000 I would have loved to see those two guys go at it.

01:03:51.000 I just think we would have been in a much better place.

01:03:54.000 It would have made more sense.

01:03:55.000 Yeah, it just got a little too... 1.00

01:03:58.000 What do you think is going on with this Russia shit? 1.00

01:04:00.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00

01:04:01.000 You don't give a shit at all? 1.00

01:04:02.000 I don't give a shit, dude. 1.00

01:04:03.000 Whatever they did, we've done a thousand times around the globe. 0.99

01:04:06.000 If anything, they're guilty of stealing from us.

01:04:09.000 You talking about tampering with the election?

01:04:10.000 No, what I'm really talking about is how much investment Trump has in Russia and what Russia has on Trump. 0.99

01:04:17.000 There's some weird shit going on with them, too. 0.99

01:04:19.000 I hope he's boys with them. 0.98

01:04:20.000 It didn't work out well the last time when we weren't friends.

01:04:23.000 Right.

01:04:23.000 It'd be nice to get along with them.

01:04:26.000 They don't have to try out their missiles.

01:04:28.000 They work.

01:04:29.000 It's not like North Korea. 0.99

01:04:33.000 They got like a fucking, what do they call those things? 0.99

01:04:35.000 A startup, you know? 0.99

01:04:36.000 They got like hashtag fund my nuclear missile over there.

01:04:41.000 I don't know.

01:04:42.000 I refuse to get scared by that guy. 1.00

01:04:43.000 Well, I'm not scared by Putin, but he's a scary fucking guy. 1.00

01:04:48.000 I mean, he's a murderer and a thug. 1.00

01:04:50.000 There's a lot of murderers here. 1.00

01:04:52.000 A lot of murderers. 0.81

01:04:53.000 You remember that?

01:04:54.000 We've done terrible things as well.

01:04:55.000 I love when he said that.

01:04:56.000 Yeah, he's right.

01:04:57.000 He's right.

01:04:57.000 Well, who's the murderer?

01:04:59.000 He just goes, a lot of killers over here, too.

01:05:01.000 And then O'Reilly goes, well, who?

01:05:03.000 Who's the killer over here?

01:05:04.000 And he just goes, a lot of killers.

01:05:07.000 And then he just moves on to the next question.

01:05:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:09.000 Nobody will be like, no, wait, I asked a fucking question. 1.00

01:05:13.000 Answer it. 1.00

01:05:14.000 He'll get up and walk away.

01:05:15.000 That's what he does now.

01:05:17.000 It's his move. 1.00

01:05:18.000 You ask him questions about Russia, he just gets up, fuck you, leaves. 1.00

01:05:22.000 Calls you fake news. 1.00

01:05:23.000 Fake news.

01:05:24.000 You are fake news.

01:05:26.000 Fake news.

01:05:27.000 Oh, dude, the amount of sketches you could do with that guy.

01:05:30.000 What, what they're doing on Saturday night? 0.99

01:05:31.000 Coming home, getting busted for cheating on his fucking wife, and just, she'll be asking a question, I'll just get up in the middle of it. 1.00

01:05:36.000 It's fake news. 1.00

01:05:38.000 It's fake news.

01:05:39.000 Well, whose panties are these?

01:05:40.000 Those are fake.

01:05:41.000 All fake.

01:05:44.000 Alec Baldwin is reviving his career with him.

01:05:47.000 I mean, Alec Baldwin's on fire right now.

01:05:48.000 Did he have to revive it?

01:05:50.000 I've always thought that that guy's been killing it.

01:05:52.000 Yeah, he's always doing great, but I mean, he's on fire right now, doing his Donald Trump impression.

01:05:56.000 It's one of the best things he's ever done. 0.96

01:05:58.000 That guy's fucking hilarious. 0.71

01:06:00.000 Did you ever see him on Jiminy Glick? 0.98

01:06:01.000 No.

01:06:02.000 That guy kills it on everything.

01:06:04.000 He's one of the funniest dudes out there, and he's one of the best character actors out there.

01:06:08.000 It's just that he looks like an astronaut superhero that they tried to make him like this matinee idol guy, and he was really like a character actor guy.

01:06:17.000 My wife was always watching 30 Rock. 0.99

01:06:19.000 He fucking killed it. 0.99

01:06:20.000 Did you ever see when he did his Tracy Morgan impression? 1.00

01:06:22.000 No.

01:06:23.000 Yeah.

01:06:26.000 I'm a huge fan.

01:06:27.000 Well, he kills it so hard on SNL as Trump.

01:06:29.000 I mean, there's no way he's not funny. 1.00

01:06:31.000 I mean, that impression is fucking disaster. 0.99

01:06:33.000 I mean, it's destructive. 0.99

01:06:35.000 It's so good.

01:06:36.000 I love that one joke they had.

01:06:37.000 I'd like to apologize to the blah, blah, blah. 1.00

01:06:40.000 I'd like to apologize.

01:06:41.000 He kept saying apologize.

01:06:42.000 And they go, are you trying to say, Mr. Trump, are you trying to say apologize?

01:06:44.000 He goes, no, I would never do that.

01:06:47.000 LAUGHTER I've been just busy, so I haven't been watching on Saturday Night Live.

01:06:55.000 I've got to start watching it again.

01:06:56.000 Yeah, I don't watch it either.

01:06:57.000 I just watch the clips online.

01:06:58.000 I don't have time to invest.

01:07:00.000 Saturday Night Live is like one of those things where I feel like they're going to hit 50% of the time and miss 50% of the time.

01:07:07.000 I can't do that.

01:07:08.000 So I'll wait for the hits.

01:07:11.000 They come out with some great sketches.

01:07:12.000 That's a very efficient way of digesting your art.

01:07:16.000 That's how I do it, bro.

01:07:17.000 I'm efficient.

01:07:18.000 All right.

01:07:18.000 Well, we have 10 episodes this season.

01:07:21.000 I've got to keep steering it back, because last year when I promoted it, I just went on things trying to be funny.

01:07:26.000 And then in the end, they'd be like, oh, by the way, I gotta make sure I promote it.

01:07:30.000 Plug it. 0.84

01:07:31.000 F is for family on Netflix.

01:07:33.000 And if you don't have Netflix, how dare you?

01:07:35.000 How dare you try to live your life without Netflix?

01:07:37.000 There's everything on it.

01:07:39.000 Kids, my new TV, I got a new TV, doesn't even, I mean, you don't even need something to get on Netflix.

01:07:44.000 Get on Netflix right through the TV. The TV hooks up to Wi-Fi, bam.

01:07:48.000 You know what kills me is you won't be satisfied with that within 18 months.

01:07:51.000 You think so?

01:07:52.000 Because your neighbor will have something else.

01:07:53.000 I don't know my neighbor.

01:07:55.000 Oh, you're going to know your neighbor.

01:08:01.000 I had to meet my neighbor the other day because my daughter's drone flew into her yard. 0.96

01:08:05.000 Yeah, we got a drone. 0.98

01:08:06.000 It sucks. 0.98

01:08:07.000 How high up does it go? 1.00

01:08:08.000 It goes high.

01:08:08.000 It just doesn't listen to you.

01:08:10.000 If you spend $150 on a drone, it doesn't listen.

01:08:13.000 You got to spend like $500 and then they listen.

01:08:15.000 The $150 one, it's like a vague suggestion. 0.99

01:08:19.000 And once it gets more than like a few hundred feet away from you, that fucking thing is not listening anymore. 0.99

01:08:23.000 It just sailed right into her tree. 1.00

01:08:26.000 So I had to go down and get it.

01:08:28.000 Amazing video on those things.

01:08:29.000 Oh, yeah.

01:08:30.000 If you get a good one...

01:08:32.000 Of people not wanting to be videoed. 0.98

01:08:35.000 It is fucking weird, man. 0.99

01:08:36.000 I mean, there was a town in Colorado that passed a law letting you hunt them. 0.99

01:08:39.000 So if you see one in the sky, you're allowed to shoot it down.

01:08:42.000 I love it.

01:08:43.000 Yeah.

01:08:43.000 I love it.

01:08:44.000 I like that, too.

01:08:45.000 I used to have a bit about that when Amazon was going to start delivering packages.

01:08:50.000 I go, that's going to be like down south, it's going to be like skeet shooting with prizes.

01:08:54.000 They're just going to shoot them down. 0.94

01:08:55.000 What'd you get?

01:08:56.000 What'd you get?

01:08:59.000 That is what it's like.

01:09:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:09:02.000 Just absolutely fucking shoot those things out of the air. 0.99

01:09:06.000 That's one of the... 0.99

01:09:07.000 One time, I was over at a friend's house.

01:09:09.000 We were at a pool, and one just came over. 0.99

01:09:11.000 I was just hovering over the pool, looking at us like a fucking... 1.00

01:09:16.000 My wife's there in a bikini and shit. 1.00

01:09:18.000 I said, what are you doing? 1.00

01:09:18.000 And I was like, you know, I had my usual overreaction. 1.00

01:09:25.000 Like, is this how it's gonna be?

01:09:26.000 Is this the future? 1.00

01:09:27.000 I will get a fucking gun! 1.00

01:09:29.000 I don't give a fuck! 1.00

01:09:32.000 I'll have a cardboard cutout of me! 1.00

01:09:35.000 In the video or some shit. 0.98

01:09:37.000 Somehow I was going to get away with it. 0.99

01:09:38.000 Just need a good bird gun.

01:09:40.000 You know?

01:09:40.000 Good 20 gauge.

01:09:42.000 Just shoot it out of the sky.

01:09:45.000 Something that scatters good.

01:09:46.000 You know what would be great? 0.99

01:09:48.000 You know what would be great is if you knew whose it was and you could have somebody filming their face when you shot their shit out of the sky. 0.99

01:09:55.000 How... 0.99

01:09:56.000 Despite their invasion of your own property, how wronged that they would feel?

01:10:00.000 Well, it's weird that there's no law above your house.

01:10:03.000 Like, if someone flew that into your house, it'd be a problem.

01:10:07.000 If someone drove it into your yard, it'd be a problem.

01:10:10.000 But if they hover over your house...

01:10:12.000 It's airspace, yeah.

01:10:12.000 Yeah, it's airspace.

01:10:14.000 That's fucking weird, right? 0.92

01:10:15.000 How does that work with, like, say if you wanted to fly over Kim Kardashian's house in a helicopter and take pictures of her, are you allowed to? 0.98

01:10:21.000 How does that work?

01:10:22.000 Yeah, there's noise ordinances. 0.96

01:10:25.000 Like, you can only fly so fucking low. 0.93

01:10:27.000 How low? 0.99

01:10:28.000 You're a helicopter pilot.

01:10:29.000 Usually it's like, I wouldn't go lower than 700 feet.

01:10:33.000 Especially in Santa Monica.

01:10:34.000 Those people, they hate that airport there and they want all of those people out of there.

01:10:37.000 They're killing that airport, you know?

01:10:39.000 They have been trying to do that forever.

01:10:40.000 They are now, though.

01:10:41.000 They're going to turn into a park.

01:10:42.000 All right.

01:10:43.000 Yeah, they just passed it.

01:10:45.000 I think it goes out in...

01:10:46.000 I think it's 2020 goes under.

01:10:49.000 Oh.

01:10:50.000 They have three more years of airport.

01:10:53.000 People are pissed though.

01:10:54.000 All those people that live in like Marina Del Rey and all those places around there with a lot of cash and they will park their jet there. 0.99

01:10:59.000 They're fucking pissed. 0.93

01:11:01.000 The Malibu folks wanted to fly right in there and just... 0.99

01:11:04.000 Oh my god, yes.

01:11:05.000 Yeah.

01:11:06.000 That was perfect.

01:11:06.000 Well, now they have to go to Van Nuys.

01:11:09.000 Torrance.

01:11:10.000 Yeah.

01:11:10.000 Van Nuys.

01:11:11.000 You go to Torrance, you're going to be in traffic for two hours.

01:11:15.000 Yeah, no, that's all kind of amazing that they passed that you know that those people couldn't figure out a way to bribe their way I'm sure in that airport, but it did three years is a long fucking time Do you remember in New York City when they first had those videos? 0.96

01:11:28.000 You know advertising in the back of cabs and everybody's like these are making me carsick at these things the fuck out of here People had such a reaction to it.

01:11:34.000 They went away and then like a few years later They just came back just came back now. 0.98

01:11:39.000 He loves them and they're fucking gross and Just touching that screen, all of that. 0.97

01:11:43.000 It's bad enough being in the cab, and you just see the fingerprints. 0.99

01:11:46.000 It's bad enough opening and closing the door, but I can't see the fingerprints.

01:11:49.000 Those screens, I don't like them.

01:11:52.000 Well, it's always loud, too.

01:11:53.000 They're always loud, and they're playing you ads in some entertainment news TV show or something like that.

01:11:58.000 Yep. 0.76

01:11:59.000 I feel like a hypocrite because I do advertising on my podcast, so how mad can I get?

01:12:03.000 But I do draw the line when I go to pump gas. 0.86

01:12:05.000 Like, hey, it's gas TV! Blah, blah, blah.

01:12:08.000 And they're just pumping it super loud. 1.00

01:12:10.000 You do ads on your podcast, but you shit on the ads. 0.99

01:12:13.000 Like, I heard you doing an ad for MeUndies, the new one where they're doing with the gay pride thing. 0.99

01:12:19.000 And you're like, I see what you're doing.

01:12:21.000 I see what you're doing.

01:12:21.000 Yeah, that's what they're doing.

01:12:22.000 It's just like, it's very hard to get, I think, straight guys to get into like, or animals, you know what I mean?

01:12:27.000 We don't have the sense of style.

01:12:29.000 Maybe you get a couple of metrosexuals, but yeah, I just felt like that was a great, like, what can we pretend to care about that will get us to sell more underwear? 0.99

01:12:40.000 And that was the way to fucking go. 0.98

01:12:43.000 I just say things. 0.99

01:12:45.000 I don't fucking know. 0.94

01:12:46.000 I just felt like that was... 0.98

01:12:48.000 Do you wear me on these?

01:12:49.000 You know what it really is?

01:12:51.000 I have two pairs and they're very Greg Louganis.

01:12:54.000 You got little ones?

01:12:56.000 They're little ones.

01:12:57.000 And I put them on to make my wife laugh.

01:12:58.000 And she did laugh.

01:12:59.000 But she goes, no, I kind of like them.

01:13:01.000 I'm like, these are just too little.

01:13:03.000 I get the boxer briefs.

01:13:05.000 Oh, they have boxer briefs there?

01:13:06.000 That's all I wear.

01:13:06.000 I'm wearing them right now.

01:13:08.000 I swear to God.

01:13:08.000 I don't believe you.

01:13:09.000 They're the best fucking underwear. 1.00

01:13:10.000 I'm joking. 1.00

01:13:10.000 I'll show you. 1.00

01:13:11.000 You know what?

01:13:12.000 For some reason, I thought you would have the tearaway fight ones.

01:13:14.000 Oh, the polka dots.

01:13:15.000 That's great. 0.99

01:13:15.000 That looks like the yogurt shit that they have. 0.99

01:13:21.000 Sprinkles? 1.00

01:13:22.000 TCBY? Sprinkles in your Menchies? 0.97

01:13:24.000 Froyo.

01:13:26.000 Alright, have I kept you here long enough?

01:13:28.000 I think I have.

01:13:29.000 There's gonna be traffic.

01:13:31.000 You gotta get out of here?

01:13:32.000 I don't know, I just wasn't sure.

01:13:34.000 If the point you're showing me your underwear, I think we'd kind of...

01:13:38.000 We've kind of covered it.

01:13:39.000 Yeah, we've kind of covered it.

01:13:41.000 If there's anything else you want to bring up, what have you shot lately?

01:13:45.000 Animal-wise? 0.93

01:13:46.000 I shot a pig a couple months ago. 1.00

01:13:48.000 Oh, well shit, fuck the animals. 1.00

01:13:49.000 What else did you shoot? 1.00

01:13:51.000 No, just animals.

01:13:52.000 Oh, okay.

01:13:52.000 I thought there was something else there.

01:13:54.000 No, no, no, no.

01:13:54.000 I thought you were inching towards Bert Kreischer.

01:13:56.000 I'll give you some pig meat. 0.99

01:13:58.000 Damn, I don't have it here. 1.00

01:14:00.000 Shit. 1.00

01:14:00.000 You motherfucker. 1.00

01:14:01.000 I always get the elk. 1.00

01:14:02.000 I'll give you elk and pig.

01:14:03.000 No, no, no.

01:14:04.000 I still have the elk left over from the last time.

01:14:06.000 Do you?

01:14:06.000 Yeah.

01:14:06.000 Okay, I have plenty of elk.

01:14:08.000 I want the wild boar.

01:14:09.000 I'll give you like a quarter. 1.00

01:14:11.000 Like a fucking real leg. 1.00

01:14:14.000 Like a boar leg? 1.00

01:14:15.000 Yeah, dude.

01:14:15.000 I live in a house, man.

01:14:16.000 I don't have the fucking... 1.00

01:14:18.000 The fucking serial killer meat freezer that I know that you have. 1.00

01:14:21.000 You just gotta tell me when you're gonna cook, and I'll give it to you the day you cook it. 1.00

01:14:25.000 Oh, alright.

01:14:27.000 That's not gonna happen.

01:14:28.000 No, no, no.

01:14:29.000 That was one of those, yeah. 0.99

01:14:30.000 No, I was just thinking I'll go on YouTube and I'll go to fucking how to cook a pig leg. 0.98

01:14:36.000 Yeah, we just gotta slow cook it. 0.99

01:14:38.000 Just slow cook. 0.99

01:14:39.000 You could brine it first.

01:14:40.000 I like to brine things.

01:14:41.000 You ever use those Yeti coolers?

01:14:43.000 You know what a Yeti cooler is?

01:14:45.000 Imagine it's really cold.

01:14:46.000 It's a very insulated cooler.

01:14:48.000 Like you could put ice in it and leave it outside in the sun and five days later it'll still have ice.

01:14:53.000 Okay.

01:14:53.000 So you take one of those.

01:14:55.000 Put some ice in it and some sort of a bucket.

01:14:58.000 Fill the bucket up with salt water and sugar.

01:15:00.000 Juniper beads. 1.00

01:15:01.000 Yeah, a bunch of shit in there. 0.99

01:15:02.000 Garlic, stuff like that. 1.00

01:15:04.000 And then brine.

01:15:05.000 Brine the meat.

01:15:06.000 And make it extra tender and juicy. 0.89

01:15:07.000 And ask your wife if she's a witch. 1.00

01:15:09.000 What?

01:15:10.000 It's just like brining is such an old school thing. 0.95

01:15:15.000 Ask your wife if she's a witch. 1.00

01:15:16.000 Tie somebody to a stake, and then at that point the... 0.99

01:15:20.000 You know what I heard?

01:15:21.000 They weren't really burning witches at the stake. 1.00

01:15:23.000 That was bullshit. 1.00

01:15:24.000 They would drown them. 1.00

01:15:25.000 I'm like, well, that's just as terrifying.

01:15:27.000 Nah, you gotta go with drowning.

01:15:29.000 Yeah?

01:15:29.000 Gotta go with drowning.

01:15:31.000 Why's that?

01:15:32.000 Oh, dude. 0.99

01:15:33.000 For a fucking minute. 0.99

01:15:35.000 That's it. 1.00

01:15:35.000 You just take a big inhale. 1.00

01:15:37.000 I think what they would do is, they would figure if you didn't drown, you were definitely a witch. 1.00

01:15:42.000 And if you drowned, they fucked up. 1.00

01:15:44.000 They were like, my bad. 1.00

01:15:49.000 Sorry. 0.84

01:15:50.000 Witches. 1.00

01:15:51.000 Well, somebody's doing something, because there's a lot of weird shit going on. 1.00

01:15:54.000 You know, how do you get out of that one? 0.98

01:15:55.000 Isn't that amazing, though, that that's what they used to think?

01:15:57.000 They used to think that someone was doing witchcraft when things would go wrong. 0.95

01:16:00.000 I don't think that's amazing, because I think that kind of thought has just slid into other shit that people think, you know? 0.87

01:16:09.000 Do you know what the root of it was in the Salem witch trials? 0.94

01:16:12.000 They got a late frost and their bread...

01:16:15.000 Apparently when you get a late frost and wheat, you can get some weird mold that grows on the wheat.

01:16:21.000 And this wheat was growing this type of mold called ergot.

01:16:25.000 And ergot has the same properties as LSD. So these people were eating the bread and tripping their fucking balls off. 0.99

01:16:31.000 And they thought that... 1.00

01:16:32.000 Wearing those dumb hats... 1.00

01:16:35.000 They could even really freak you with a belt buckle on your hat. 1.00

01:16:38.000 How's the belt buckle on your shoes? 1.00

01:16:39.000 Remember they used to have those stupid buckles on their shoes too? 0.99

01:16:42.000 Yeah, I'm sorry. 1.00

01:16:42.000 I did the- Go, go. 1.00

01:16:43.000 I did the comedy-comic thing.

01:16:45.000 Go ahead.

01:16:45.000 No, go ahead.

01:16:46.000 Do it. 0.99

01:16:46.000 So anyway, so they're tripping on this shit and they- So they thought that these people were bewitched. 0.99

01:16:51.000 They thought they were getting witch- they were getting hexed by witches. 0.99

01:16:54.000 And so they had these people that they didn't trust and they were freaking out because they were on acid.

01:16:58.000 And that's like one of the primary theories.

01:17:02.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:17:03.000 Can you imagine being on acid in the 1700s?

01:17:05.000 How much you'd be freaking out?

01:17:07.000 Yeah.

01:17:08.000 I mean, there's no information on it.

01:17:11.000 Actually, I thought some of the original people, whatever you're supposed to call them now.

01:17:15.000 Indigenous people?

01:17:15.000 You're not supposed to say that.

01:17:16.000 Natives? 1.00

01:17:17.000 I fucking said that in Canada. 1.00

01:17:18.000 Originals? 1.00

01:17:19.000 Yeah, the OGs.

01:17:21.000 In Canada, I think they call them First Nation.

01:17:24.000 First Nation!

01:17:25.000 Yeah.

01:17:26.000 They have a different name form in Canada.

01:17:27.000 First responders.

01:17:28.000 They got weird rules in Canada.

01:17:30.000 Do you know, they can go out at night with flashlights and shoot deer and moose.

01:17:34.000 They flash flashlights on them all year round.

01:17:37.000 They don't have any rules.

01:17:38.000 They have that in America, too.

01:17:40.000 Like, they don't have, like, game laws for the Native American reservation areas.

01:17:45.000 Like, they can just shoot elk.

01:17:46.000 I thought you were talking about cops.

01:17:47.000 No.

01:17:48.000 With their flashlights.

01:17:50.000 I'm actually doing a gig for the cops tomorrow.

01:17:52.000 Are you?

01:17:53.000 What are you doing?

01:17:54.000 Just something for the California Highway Patrol.

01:17:56.000 Where?

01:17:56.000 It's a good move.

01:17:57.000 I don't know.

01:17:57.000 Yeah, you can never know enough cops.

01:17:59.000 Never know.

01:17:59.000 Never know enough cops.

01:18:00.000 You have no idea when you're going to snap and you're going to need a cop to show up.

01:18:04.000 Oh, Joe!

01:18:05.000 Yeah.

01:18:06.000 Get out of here.

01:18:07.000 Come on, you're not hurt that bad, buddy.

01:18:12.000 Walk it off.

01:18:13.000 Walk it off.

01:18:13.000 You'll be fine.

01:18:15.000 I think that all the motorcycle guys, I want to talk to, I was hoping I was going to meet some of their helicopter pilots, because those fucking, they fly at like 300 feet, the balls those guys have. 0.99

01:18:24.000 Did they really? 0.99

01:18:25.000 Yeah, they're right over people's houses, and they got to sit there in a fucking circle, yeah, for like an hour. 1.00

01:18:31.000 What a fuck. 1.00

01:18:31.000 I'm just looking at it. 1.00

01:18:32.000 First move to LA, this girl I was dating, right outside of her house, someone broke into someone's house, and they had the helicopter flying over the head. 0.96

01:18:39.000 It was fucking creepy.

01:18:41.000 Like, you look outside the window, you'd see the spotlight moving across the city street. 0.99

01:18:45.000 Yeah.

01:18:47.000 I've never seen that going down to the improv.

01:18:49.000 The building still exists.

01:18:50.000 If you park just east of...

01:18:54.000 Of Crescent Heights.

01:18:55.000 There's a building and on the second floor they have ceiling to floor windows.

01:18:59.000 And somebody broke in there and they had like the helicopter spotlight was on it. 0.99

01:19:05.000 And I watched two cops like a movie walking down that hallway with their guns drawn, slowly walking in, just sitting there like, what the fuck is this? 0.99

01:19:14.000 Wow. 0.99

01:19:15.000 Yeah, I was like probably like four months into moving here. 0.99

01:19:17.000 The craziest shit I ever saw with cops live was on TV during the North Hollywood shootout. 0.92

01:19:23.000 Were you in LA back then? 1.00

01:19:24.000 I was in Vegas, but I was living in LA. Yeah, those guys that had the head-to-toe body armor.

01:19:29.000 Yeah, they had head-to-toe body armor, trunks filled with guns. 0.99

01:19:32.000 They were all steroided up, out of their fucking mind crazy, probably on meth, and just gunning down cops. 0.99

01:19:38.000 Ate some of that wheat. 1.00

01:19:38.000 Right? 1.00

01:19:39.000 Trippin'. 0.97

01:19:40.000 Ate some of that ergot. 0.91

01:19:41.000 Yep.

01:19:42.000 That was crazy.

01:19:45.000 That was crazy.

01:19:45.000 We were on news radio.

01:19:47.000 We were in the lunchroom, like our break room, watching on TV going, what in the fuck? 0.99

01:19:53.000 They were live shooting from there. 0.99

01:19:55.000 Dude, I would have...

01:19:57.000 Retired the next day as a cop.

01:19:58.000 I would have been like, is this what the future is? 0.99

01:20:01.000 And I mean, you're gonna give me this little fucking pea shooter like this is what I'm supposed to do. 0.99

01:20:04.000 I'm done. 0.99

01:20:05.000 Yeah, a lot of them did. 0.74

01:20:06.000 I'm sure I would have that would have been it when they were fucking crouched behind that car and that guy remember that guy spray in the Yeah, you know, I love how people going like oh, then they went up and shot the guy who's clearly hurt there Yeah, they wouldn't pull him away. 0.66

01:20:19.000 They let him bleed out. 0.89

01:20:20.000 He got shot under the vest.

01:20:22.000 He took one under the vest in the gut.

01:20:24.000 And they let him bleed out.

01:20:26.000 People were complaining.

01:20:26.000 Good.

01:20:27.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:20:28.000 Good.

01:20:28.000 That's what you get.

01:20:29.000 My mother would have said, well, you shouldn't have shot at the police.

01:20:33.000 That's what you get.

01:20:34.000 That's what you get.

01:20:35.000 You know?

01:20:35.000 Now you're low.

01:20:36.000 Maybe that's reincarnation.

01:20:37.000 You'll learn next time.

01:20:38.000 You're supposed to be above that if you're a peace officer for whatever reason. 1.00

01:20:43.000 No, that's stupid. 1.00

01:20:44.000 I agree. 1.00

01:20:45.000 That's like an athlete when someone says fucking crazy shit to your face. 1.00

01:20:48.000 You're supposed to be above that? 1.00

01:20:49.000 No. 0.98

01:20:51.000 Punch him right in a perfect world. 0.97

01:20:53.000 In a perfect world.

01:20:54.000 Some woman on Twitter the other day.

01:20:57.000 Some lady on Twitter was harassing Donald Trump and Donald Trump blocked her. 1.00

01:21:02.000 Which is hilarious.

01:21:03.000 So she showed that Donald Trump blocked her, and then she said she's contacting a lawyer.

01:21:08.000 And she said that the president shouldn't be able to block her. 0.99

01:21:12.000 And everybody's like, what the fuck are you talking about? 0.97

01:21:14.000 And then people started harassing her, so she started blocking people. 1.00

01:21:19.000 And they're like, listen, you fucking crazy bitch. 1.00

01:21:21.000 This is what's called a hypocrite. 1.00

01:21:23.000 I'm just picturing him in the White House. 0.99

01:21:25.000 You know when you scroll with both your thumbs just sitting there and typing?

01:21:28.000 Getting mad.

01:21:29.000 This is what he's doing?

01:21:30.000 Blocking people on Twitter.

01:21:32.000 Yeah, he blocks people.

01:21:33.000 It's hilarious.

01:21:33.000 You know what else he does?

01:21:34.000 He watches five hours of TV a day. 0.99

01:21:38.000 How the fuck does he have time? 0.99

01:21:40.000 I don't have time to watch five hours of TV a day. 0.99

01:21:42.000 I'm not the president.

01:21:43.000 Successful people know how to delegate.

01:21:46.000 That's what he's doing.

01:21:47.000 He's delegating his time?

01:21:48.000 To the vice president.

01:21:50.000 I bet he looks at him like he's his ward and just, you know, military codes are over there.

01:21:57.000 I have to watch Hannity.

01:22:00.000 Hannity's still on our team.

01:22:02.000 Talking about me is bad.

01:22:03.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:22:04.000 Look, I couldn't handle that fucking job. 0.99

01:22:06.000 Dude, Howard Stern had the funniest fucking take on him. 1.00

01:22:10.000 Donald Trump was saying, like, why the fuck would you take that job at your age? 1.00

01:22:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:16.000 He goes, you got like eight good summers left. 1.00

01:22:19.000 He goes, you're going to spend that taking all this... 1.00

01:22:22.000 Shit, he just kept going back to that. 1.00

01:22:24.000 You got eight summers left! 1.00

01:22:25.000 He kept yelling.

01:22:26.000 That's a good take on it. 0.99

01:22:27.000 Dude, it was fucking hilarious. 0.98

01:22:28.000 It was perfect. 0.97

01:22:29.000 Yeah, why would you do that at the end of the life? 1.00

01:22:30.000 You're a fucking billionaire. 1.00

01:22:32.000 Just go enjoy your money. 1.00

01:22:33.000 Ego.

01:22:34.000 You could do it all.

01:22:35.000 You could do it all, Burr. 1.00

01:22:36.000 I could be the fucking president. 1.00

01:22:38.000 Is that because they trashed him at the brunch? 1.00

01:22:40.000 100%. 1.00

01:22:40.000 He was like, fuck you. 1.00

01:22:42.000 I'll show you. 1.00

01:22:43.000 Because they mocked him, made fun of him.

01:22:45.000 Because that was during the birther days.

01:22:46.000 And they put him right in the middle of the room.

01:22:48.000 Do you know every roast, there's always that raw meat guy and you don't realize you're that guy until all of a sudden the roast starts. 0.99

01:22:53.000 It's just like, oh fuck, I'm the guy? 0.98

01:22:56.000 I'm the guy for when everybody runs out of jokes for the guy that they're roasting. 1.00

01:23:01.000 Yeah.

01:23:03.000 Yeah, it's brutal.

01:23:05.000 Yeah, and he said one thing to him that was hilarious.

01:23:11.000 Like, but I'm one thing that you'll never be, and that's the President of the United States.

01:23:15.000 That was one of the things that Obama said.

01:23:18.000 Yeah, and he shut them all. 0.99

01:23:20.000 And he had to fucking hand over the keys to the house. 0.98

01:23:23.000 I mean, that had to have been... 0.99

01:23:25.000 Oh my God.

01:23:27.000 You probably never saw it coming.

01:23:28.000 There's no way.

01:23:29.000 There's no way this guy's going to run.

01:23:30.000 No way this guy's going to win.

01:23:32.000 No, and in a weird way, it was sort of like a reverse bully movie.

01:23:36.000 Because it was the liberals doing it to him, and they were totally bullying the guy.

01:23:39.000 100%. 1.00

01:23:39.000 But he was bullying Obama with the whole fucking thing. 1.00

01:23:42.000 Birth of thing. 0.99

01:23:42.000 Yeah, the birth of thing, right? 0.99

01:23:44.000 So, I don't know. 1.00

01:23:45.000 They're still going after that birth of shit. 0.99

01:23:47.000 I saw something yesterday on some website that was showing how they have all these different confirmed sources that are showing that the Obama birth certificate was fake. 1.00

01:23:58.000 I hope it was fake.

01:23:59.000 So wait, undo his presidency?

01:24:01.000 It already happened.

01:24:01.000 Yeah, what can you do?

01:24:02.000 But I hope it was fake.

01:24:03.000 I hope he scammed the country. 0.99

01:24:05.000 Listen, the fucking, the NBA had that mobbed up ref and he said that he fucked the Warriors out of, I mean, the Kings out of that series against the Lakers. 0.99

01:24:13.000 No one's gonna take the fucking Lakers title away for that year. 0.99

01:24:16.000 What happened? 0.99

01:24:16.000 Really? 0.99

01:24:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:24:17.000 Is that real?

01:24:17.000 Yeah.

01:24:17.000 What is it?

01:24:18.000 He was a referee who was fucking fixing games. 0.99

01:24:20.000 No. 1.00

01:24:21.000 Yep.

01:24:22.000 Really?

01:24:23.000 That's how much you don't watch sports.

01:24:24.000 I don't watch sports at all.

01:24:25.000 No, it's fixed.

01:24:26.000 Tim Donaghy, 100% of NBA refs gamble.

01:24:30.000 What?

01:24:32.000 What?

01:24:33.000 That's crazy.

01:24:34.000 No, but he's also in jail now. 1.00

01:24:35.000 He's just trying to say shit. 1.00

01:24:37.000 This is the guy that was the ref that was in jail? 1.00

01:24:39.000 Yeah, but like he...

01:24:41.000 Is that him right there?

01:24:42.000 Yeah, he fixed games.

01:24:43.000 He used to say, from in jail, he goes, you tell me who's reffing the game and I'll tell you who wins.

01:24:47.000 Wow, he spent 15 months in prison after pleading guilty of two charges of the case.

01:24:52.000 How much do you think he made?

01:24:55.000 He joined Colin Cowherd Wednesday afternoon, had a fascinating answer when asked what percentage.

01:25:02.000 He said 100. Wow.

01:25:04.000 No, that's, no.

01:25:06.000 No?

01:25:06.000 Not true?

01:25:07.000 No, that's just a fucking jailbird talk. 0.99

01:25:10.000 I used to gamble on UFC fights. 1.00

01:25:12.000 Way back in the early days, when I first started working for them, I was like, who gives a shit? 0.98

01:25:17.000 I can't really affect the outcome. 1.00

01:25:18.000 So, like, many, many years ago, like, they'd bring in these guys, like, they'd bring in some guy from, like, Brazil that I knew about, and I would look at the line, and I'd be like, you guys are out of your fucking mind. 0.94

01:25:29.000 This guy should be, like, a 10-to-1 favorite.

01:25:31.000 And you got him an underdog, I'm like, ooh, I'm putting some money on that.

01:25:34.000 And I'd put some money on it, but then after a while, I was like, this is probably not smart.

01:25:38.000 I don't think it's illegal.

01:25:40.000 It's not good for the company.

01:25:41.000 No.

01:25:42.000 It's also not good for me if I come off as biased anyway.

01:25:46.000 I've been accused of being a biased commentator anyway.

01:25:49.000 Even worse...

01:25:50.000 He didn't tap out!

01:25:51.000 Come on! 0.61

01:25:51.000 Keep it going! 0.61

01:25:52.000 Come on! 0.61

01:25:54.000 Yeah, but that's a different kind of thing, though.

01:25:58.000 Gambling when you're a referee is a big deal.

01:26:01.000 Yeah, and that's a game that's easily fixed.

01:26:03.000 How do they fix it?

01:26:04.000 What do they do?

01:26:05.000 Because you can take stars out of the game by giving them fouls.

01:26:09.000 Oh, is that what they did?

01:26:10.000 Yeah.

01:26:11.000 What did this mobbed-up guy do?

01:26:13.000 You just sit people down.

01:26:15.000 It's just like, if you're the best player on the team in the first quarter, I give you two quick fouls.

01:26:19.000 I'm not going to see you again.

01:26:21.000 Until the second quarter. 0.87

01:26:22.000 And I've never fixed a fucking game, but I mean, I'm just, you know, I'm just, I give you another one in the second quarter, I don't see you until the next half, and at some point you're going to get mad. 0.98

01:26:30.000 If I keep calling bullshit fouls, I might get you on a technical foul. 0.99

01:26:33.000 That saves me a ticky-tack foul. 0.96

01:26:36.000 And then that counts towards your fouls, and then two fouls, two technicals, you're out of the game, you're ejected.

01:26:42.000 So was it obvious that this guy was doing fouls?

01:26:44.000 I thought it was obvious that the NBA was kind of fixed for a while. 0.91

01:26:47.000 Like, I was sitting going like, yeah, I just, I went to a game one time, the Celtics versus Utah Jazz, and I'm watching the fucking game, and like, just like... 0.93

01:26:55.000 The game starts, they're letting them play. 0.98

01:26:57.000 And then they're calling it tight.

01:26:59.000 And then they're letting them play.

01:27:00.000 Then they're calling it tight.

01:27:01.000 And it's like, there was never an ebb and flow in how they were calling the game.

01:27:04.000 It's like an umpire.

01:27:05.000 You know, you see in the first inning, the guy will step out of the box going, okay, that's a strike tonight?

01:27:09.000 Okay, cool.

01:27:09.000 Just finding out where your strike zone is.

01:27:11.000 But like an umpire, if you start changing the strike zone, kind of changing sports on you here. 0.98

01:27:17.000 It's like, people are going to know what the fuck's going on. 0.89

01:27:19.000 You've got to be consistent. 0.97

01:27:20.000 So like, with...

01:27:24.000 NBA games you would watch and it's just like, oh, they're calling it close tonight.

01:27:27.000 Oh, he's letting the boys play!

01:27:29.000 And that was the game.

01:27:31.000 They wouldn't just keep...

01:27:32.000 Obviously, if it got really out of hand, they would tighten down.

01:27:35.000 But I never saw a game where it was just like, you're pulling back on the range, you're letting them run, you're pulling back, you're letting them run.

01:27:40.000 And it just made me feel like they were shaving points or something.

01:27:42.000 I remember for years I said the game was fixed. 0.99

01:27:46.000 And everybody said I was out of my fucking mind. 0.98

01:27:48.000 And then they find a guy who's all mobbed up. 1.00

01:27:50.000 And I go, damn, vindication. 0.99

01:27:52.000 They go, oh, it's just one guy. 0.99

01:27:53.000 Now, when you say mobbed up, how was he mobbed up?

01:27:56.000 What was the issue with that guy?

01:27:57.000 It's just an expression.

01:27:58.000 I don't want to get in trouble with anybody.

01:27:59.000 But he was basically working for other people that were part of a gambling that took bookies or whatever.

01:28:05.000 Right.

01:28:06.000 And he did something to make sure that the game leaned in that direction.

01:28:12.000 Like, he couldn't totally fix it?

01:28:13.000 So if a team was favored by eight and they wanted him to win by eight, he'd make sure it happened. 0.96

01:28:18.000 It's probably easier to make sure they didn't by fucking over their offense. 0.83

01:28:22.000 And then they would just, you know... 0.99

01:28:24.000 They try to get money.

01:28:26.000 Like, look, if you're a legit bookie, all you're trying to do is get an even amount of money on each side.

01:28:31.000 Right.

01:28:32.000 Okay?

01:28:32.000 Because with the combination of people teasing and plus the juice and all of that, you're going to end up on top.

01:28:38.000 You don't want a bunch of money all on one side and losing your fucking shirt. 0.98

01:28:41.000 So, what these guys would do is you get greedy after a while. 1.00

01:28:45.000 It's like, I'm sick of this ticky-tack shit. 1.00

01:28:46.000 Let's go for a big fucking score. 1.00

01:28:48.000 They wouldn't do it every game. 0.99

01:28:50.000 They'd just, every once in a while, be like, alright, listen.

01:28:53.000 Here's a game.

01:28:54.000 Probably, you know, I don't know. 0.99

01:28:56.000 I've never fixed a fucking game. 0.99

01:28:57.000 I'm just guessing how they would go about doing it. 0.98

01:28:59.000 Fix this one.

01:29:00.000 Alright, make sure these guys don't win by eight.

01:29:03.000 So did this guy admit that he fixed it?

01:29:05.000 Yeah, he went to jail.

01:29:06.000 But he went to jail for gambling on it, right?

01:29:09.000 No, he went to jail for fixing it.

01:29:11.000 For fixing it.

01:29:11.000 So what did he say?

01:29:12.000 He said he made fouls that weren't really fouls?

01:29:15.000 Well, yeah, yeah.

01:29:16.000 Whatever he had to do.

01:29:18.000 This is what his attorney submitted, saying the manipulation that happened during one game.

01:29:23.000 Okay, so I was officiating a playoff series between Team 5 and Team 6 in May of 2002. It was a sixth game of a seven-game series, and a Team 5 victory that night would have ended the series.

01:29:32.000 However, Tim learned from Referee A that Referees A and F wanted to extend the series to seven games.

01:29:38.000 Tim knew Referees A and F to be company men, in quotes.

01:29:42.000 Always acting in the interest of the NBA, and that night it was in the NBA's interest to add another game.

01:29:47.000 So the NBA wanted to fix it.

01:29:49.000 Yeah, for money.

01:29:50.000 Whoa, the NBA fixed it.

01:29:51.000 Referees A and F heavily favored Team 6. Personal fouls resulting in obviously injured players were ignored, even when they occurred in full view of the referees.

01:30:00.000 Conversely, the referees called made-up fouls on Team 5. Look up the highlights of the Lakers' Kings game.

01:30:06.000 It was ridiculous, the fouls that they were calling.

01:30:08.000 But that's my thing, is when they said it was just one guy, it's like, how long could you be on an officiating crew while in... 0.99

01:30:15.000 One of your guys is dirty before you'd realize, like, what the fuck is this guy doing? 0.99

01:30:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:30:20.000 Well, what about the guys that were betting on the other team? 1.00

01:30:22.000 I'd want to kill that fucking referee. 0.99

01:30:24.000 Can you imagine if you saw him call fouls that weren't really fouls and you knew what was going on? 1.00

01:30:28.000 You knew your money was going out the window? 0.88

01:30:30.000 But I think they're really susceptible to it because, like, the amount of money that NBA players make is fucking insane. 0.92

01:30:36.000 Right.

01:30:36.000 They make, like, you know, some of the contracts that they have coming up.

01:30:39.000 And there's so few guys...

01:30:58.000 I think basketball, it's no more than 11 or 12 guys. 0.96

01:31:03.000 So it's a very small group of people, and the income that they're generating, like their revenue share, I don't know, that's all like super sports nerd shit, like I don't know how that works, but some of the contracts that some of these guys have been signing, like they can afford to fucking pay that guy that? 0.97

01:31:19.000 So now you're a ref, and you're running with your fucking black aerobic Reebok sneakers up and down the court. 0.96

01:31:27.000 The Velcro closures? 0.99

01:31:29.000 Yes.

01:31:29.000 And you're seeing the cars these guys are getting in and all the women hanging out.

01:31:33.000 And you're on the stage, too.

01:31:35.000 You're running up and down. 0.99

01:31:36.000 No one gives a fuck about you. 0.99

01:31:39.000 And I don't know what the pension is for the NBA, but if I was in the NBA, if I was running, I'd be like, we've got to fucking triple these guys' salary. 0.99

01:31:47.000 Is this the salaries of the players or the referees?

01:31:49.000 NBA players' salaries for right now.

01:31:51.000 What about the referees, though?

01:31:52.000 So look at that.

01:31:53.000 Way less.

01:31:54.000 35 million a year for LeBron.

01:31:56.000 That's just what he makes to play hoop.

01:31:59.000 Right.

01:31:59.000 Not about his sneakers.

01:32:00.000 Most of their sneaker contracts are more than what they make. 1.00

01:32:03.000 It's fucking nuts. 1.00

01:32:04.000 It's nuts. 1.00

01:32:05.000 It's a lot of cash.

01:32:06.000 Hey, good for them.

01:32:07.000 I'm not saying they shouldn't make the money.

01:32:09.000 Obviously, if people are putting it out, they're earning it for them.

01:32:12.000 Can you find out what a ref makes?

01:32:14.000 Do you know who Mike Conley is?

01:32:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:32:16.000 That's what's hilarious.

01:32:17.000 I only know the biggest guys.

01:32:20.000 Like that Mike Conley.

01:32:21.000 Ooh, that's Mike Conley. 1.00

01:32:22.000 Who the fuck's that guy? 0.99

01:32:22.000 I don't know who that is either. 0.99

01:32:23.000 Guy made $30 million last year.

01:32:26.000 He's the highest played player in the NBA. There's a guy named Mike Conley?

01:32:30.000 Yeah, he's the starting point guard for the Memphis Grizzlies.

01:32:34.000 Oh, there you go.

01:32:35.000 But it's this amount of time, like his contract came up at the time last year when the rest of the guys are going to get more this coming year and the following year.

01:32:43.000 The TV contracts have gone up and there's a percentage they're going up each year based off of the TV rights and that's why it...

01:32:49.000 I watched almost every Celtic game last year.

01:32:51.000 I never heard Mike Conley. 1.00

01:32:52.000 Mike Conley, that sounds like a fucking politician. 0.99

01:32:56.000 He went to Ohio State the same year as Greg Oden, who was that big bust, and he was his point guard. 0.99

01:33:00.000 Is he still playing in China or no?

01:33:01.000 No, he's actually an Ohio State assistant coach right now.

01:33:04.000 He went back to school for a degree.

01:33:05.000 Playing in China.

01:33:06.000 That's when it gets weird, right?

01:33:07.000 You've got to go overseas to Europe.

01:33:09.000 You're playing for $100,000 a year.

01:33:11.000 I don't know.

01:33:12.000 Sometimes if you're famous enough, they'll give you a little more.

01:33:14.000 I don't know how that works either. 0.99

01:33:16.000 I don't know how a lot of shit works. 0.98

01:33:17.000 I just know I have a show coming out called F is for Family. 0.99

01:33:20.000 That's why I'm here.

01:33:21.000 The average salary the NBA rep is from $150,000 to $550,000.

01:33:25.000 That's a big spread.

01:33:26.000 What about the guy who's making the extra four?

01:33:28.000 How's he getting extra four?

01:33:29.000 Average salaries have spiked considerably since 1983 when NBA officials made between $18,000 and $78,000 each season.

01:33:39.000 $550,000 is not bad.

01:33:40.000 That's a lot of scratch.

01:33:41.000 So you'd have to give them enough money where they don't feel tempted to cheat.

01:33:46.000 Right?

01:33:47.000 Yeah.

01:33:48.000 That's the problem with politicians.

01:33:49.000 Right.

01:33:50.000 You make $550,000 a year, you're making $50,000 a year more than the president.

01:33:54.000 So you're kind of like, those guys are like set up to be like, here's a job that cost $100 million to get and you're going to get paid $500,000.

01:34:02.000 So you're just setting them up to have to cut deals with people.

01:34:05.000 What do you think is going to happen with Trump?

01:34:07.000 I have no idea.

01:34:08.000 I don't even know the highest paid guy in the NBA. I have no fucking idea. 0.99

01:34:11.000 If you had a guess, though, do you think that he's going to last? 0.99

01:34:14.000 Yes.

01:34:14.000 You don't think he's going to go to jail in the middle of this?

01:34:16.000 No.

01:34:17.000 No?

01:34:17.000 No.

01:34:17.000 I watched Clinton get impeached.

01:34:19.000 He stayed.

01:34:20.000 Right, but Clinton got impeached for just not telling the truth about an affair. 0.91

01:34:24.000 Nixon should have stayed.

01:34:26.000 You think so?

01:34:26.000 He should have just stayed and just be like, you know...

01:34:29.000 All right, I bumped that room.

01:34:33.000 And that's it.

01:34:34.000 I think the stress is too much for them though.

01:34:36.000 When the whole world comes after him like that.

01:34:38.000 Everywhere you look.

01:34:40.000 Every newspaper.

01:34:42.000 I think he'll be fine. 0.99

01:34:44.000 He's fucking watching five hours of TV and he's on Twitter. 0.99

01:34:48.000 Blocking people. 1.00

01:34:49.000 I mean, what else is he? 1.00

01:34:50.000 Either fucking peanut butter and fluff another sandwich? 1.00

01:34:52.000 I mean, he's living like a fucking kid. 1.00

01:34:53.000 Well, it's hard to see... 0.99

01:34:55.000 When you read articles about him, it's hard to know who's writing the article and why they're writing it, right?

01:35:00.000 Like, are they writing this article because they really believe that he's gaining weight and he's solemn and he's down in the dumps?

01:35:05.000 Or are they trying to just put that out there? 0.98

01:35:06.000 Like, how the fuck do they know he's down in the dumps? 0.96

01:35:08.000 They're just trying to sell papers. 0.99

01:35:10.000 How do they know he's sullen and comes home upset and he's gaining weight?

01:35:14.000 He does seem like he's gaining weight, though.

01:35:15.000 Seems like he's getting a little fat, a little depression.

01:35:18.000 Well, I mean, there's obviously... 0.98

01:35:20.000 Most of the people, it seems, in the media fucking hate the guy, so they're going to be just... 0.91

01:35:24.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:35:25.000 But that's how they chip away at you, right?

01:35:27.000 Start talking about how you're coming home and you're depressed and you're despondent, you're not listening to anybody.

01:35:33.000 How do they know that?

01:35:35.000 How do they know that?

01:35:35.000 Our sources say negative things about the guys we don't like.

01:35:40.000 Well, you were talking about Tiger Woods on your podcast.

01:35:42.000 I was listening to it on the way over here, and I totally agree with you. 0.98

01:35:45.000 When Tiger's world fell apart, how the fuck do you know? 0.94

01:35:48.000 Did you talk to him? 0.99

01:35:50.000 You don't know him.

01:35:51.000 You didn't have a conversation with him.

01:35:52.000 I'm sure that was a brutal couple of years, but it was ten years ago. 0.96

01:35:56.000 In ten years, he hasn't fucked up Other than this DUI. So, I mean, yeah, he fucked up, but, you know, I got busted for that shit in 89, so I'm going to judge him? 0.99

01:36:07.000 Right. 1.00

01:36:08.000 The DUI, apparently he's on some back medication.

01:36:11.000 That's what it is.

01:36:11.000 He mixed his medication.

01:36:12.000 That's what he's saying.

01:36:13.000 But they said he smelled like booze.

01:36:15.000 But I don't know if that's true.

01:36:16.000 Yeah, he should just take the hit. 1.00

01:36:17.000 Just be like, ah, you know, I fucked up. 1.00

01:36:19.000 I was hanging with the fellas and blah, blah, blah. 0.98

01:36:21.000 And I'm not condoning what the guy did, but I'm not going to sit there and judge the guy and be like...

01:36:24.000 I was watching some guy and he was trying to say that, you know...

01:36:27.000 You know, he let us down.

01:36:29.000 He sold himself as a family man. 1.00

01:36:32.000 It's like, you built that whole fucking narrative. 1.00

01:36:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:36:35.000 You built that whole narrative. 1.00

01:36:37.000 I just watched him play golf. 0.99

01:36:38.000 All I ever want to do when I watch golf is watch those guys fucking crush it. 0.98

01:36:43.000 Like, I love John Daly. 1.00

01:36:45.000 And I love that he's like, fuck you, I like drinking. 1.00

01:36:47.000 He just kept drinking. 1.00

01:36:47.000 He was fat, smoking cigarettes. 1.00

01:36:49.000 Big gut. 1.00

01:36:50.000 And he would hit it a fucking mile. 1.00

01:36:54.000 And I loved watching it. 0.99

01:36:56.000 Well, Tiger always had a very bizarre style, apparently.

01:36:59.000 I don't play golf, but apparently people that I've talked to that explained to me the way he would hit the ball, I guess not the way they teach you to do it, but he could do it so well that way, but he would put ridiculous amounts of torque.

01:37:12.000 Yes, on his body.

01:37:14.000 They said from the beginning that his body was going to break down if he keeps doing that.

01:37:18.000 There was a period where he adjusted his swing and he stopped winning, and then he came back again.

01:37:24.000 And I just think that what they said...

01:37:27.000 There was a bunch of guys.

01:37:29.000 Earl Campbell, they said if he keeps running like that, he's wide open.

01:37:32.000 He's going to have problems.

01:37:33.000 Bobby Orr, the way he played hockey. 0.99

01:37:35.000 If you throw yourself around, you really beat the shit out of your body. 0.99

01:37:39.000 Like, that happens. 0.98

01:37:40.000 And it just coincided with his personal life falling apart.

01:37:44.000 So everybody goes, oh, that's the reason why...

01:37:47.000 You know, somebody wins, that's the reason why somebody loses. 0.99

01:37:50.000 Like, look, I'm not saying you don't go into a couple year funk if your life falls apart in the personal area, but it's just like, the rest of that shit... 0.99

01:37:58.000 You know, that's just a bunch of hype. 0.99

01:38:01.000 For him, it's like a double dump, though, you know?

01:38:03.000 I mean, the thing happens personally with his personal life, and it happens publicly where everybody gets to see it, and then on top of that, his body's falling apart at the same time.

01:38:11.000 No matter what he did.

01:38:12.000 Yeah, no matter what he did. 0.99

01:38:13.000 If he went to church every fucking week, he was going to fuck up his back and his knees, and they did, but then they're trying to equate it to... 0.99

01:38:20.000 What he did was none of my business. 1.00

01:38:23.000 It's none of my fucking business. 0.99

01:38:24.000 I don't want to know about it. 1.00

01:38:25.000 I hate knowing about...

01:38:26.000 I feel bad if their marriage falls apart.

01:38:30.000 I feel bad if they get busted for drink and drop.

01:38:32.000 It happens. 1.00

01:38:33.000 If you fucked up and it's your fault, you should get punched. 1.00

01:38:35.000 But the cops are handling it. 1.00

01:38:37.000 They arrested him.

01:38:38.000 The courts will handle it.

01:38:40.000 Yeah, but they need to talk about it. 1.00

01:38:41.000 Do I need to pile on and start wagging my fucking hypocritical finger at them? 1.00

01:38:45.000 My pasty freckled... 0.99

01:38:46.000 You don't have to because you're a comedian and you're funny and your take on things can be have some compassion, look at it for what it is, make fun, poke at it. 0.99

01:38:54.000 But when you're one of those fucking straight up...

01:38:57.000 Sports commentator guys, you don't have a whole lot of wiggle room as far as what you could say and what you don't say. 0.97

01:39:02.000 And you've got to go right down the middle and attack the principles.

01:39:06.000 Yeah, go Disney.

01:39:07.000 I mean, what does this say about the fabric of our community?

01:39:11.000 You know, the morals of our country.

01:39:12.000 This creates a culture.

01:39:14.000 Look at this.

01:39:14.000 Tiger Woods is lost in every literal and figurative way.

01:39:21.000 Dude, that guy...

01:39:23.000 Dude, here's the thing. 1.00

01:39:33.000 This is fucking ESPN. Those guys on TV, what they present... 1.00

01:39:38.000 It's not who the fuck they are. 1.00

01:39:39.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:39:40.000 Look at this. 0.98

01:39:40.000 I mean, this is so ridiculous. 0.98

01:39:42.000 They're saying, that Woods is a new and improved human being since he's extramarital sex scandal from hell. 0.99

01:39:47.000 A better father and friend with or without a golf in his life. 0.99

01:39:50.000 How do you fucking know what happened? 0.95

01:39:51.000 I actually have sympathy for the guy who wrote this. 0.99

01:39:53.000 Because he has to write it.

01:39:55.000 You know Conor has to sit down and be like, ah, Jesus Christ. 0.99

01:39:58.000 How am I going to keep being a senior writer unless I act like this shit actually bothers me? 0.99

01:40:02.000 You have to write something inflammatory. 0.99

01:40:03.000 You have to write something salacious.

01:40:05.000 You gotta.

01:40:06.000 You gotta get people to click.

01:40:07.000 You gotta get a lot of clickbait. 1.00

01:40:09.000 Why can't this fat fuck shoot off his fireworks in his own country? 1.00

01:40:12.000 He's dead. 1.00

01:40:12.000 That fat fuck's dead. 1.00

01:40:13.000 His son. 1.00

01:40:15.000 We do it all the time. 1.00

01:40:16.000 We fucking light shit off in the ocean. 1.00

01:40:18.000 Kill all this fish that people could have ate. 1.00

01:40:20.000 Kill whales. 1.00

01:40:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:21.000 Kill fucking whales with tests. 1.00

01:40:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:23.000 And then this fucking guy shoots off a rocket and everybody's like, whoa, whoa, hey, what are you doing? 1.00

01:40:27.000 Well, he's threatening us, Bill. 1.00

01:40:29.000 Huh?

01:40:29.000 He's threatening America.

01:40:30.000 Dude, I, you know.

01:40:32.000 He's worried that we're coming after him. 1.00

01:40:33.000 I love a shit talker. 1.00

01:40:34.000 Do you? 1.00

01:40:34.000 We probably are. 1.00

01:40:36.000 Oh, we are.

01:40:37.000 For sure.

01:40:37.000 With Trump?

01:40:38.000 I pitched this on somebody else's podcast.

01:40:40.000 What they should do is they should eliminate war.

01:40:42.000 And then what it is, is your leaders go into the octagon.

01:40:45.000 They're not allowed to work out or anything.

01:40:47.000 They're not allowed to work out. 0.99

01:40:49.000 No, they go in the fucking octagon. 0.99

01:40:51.000 So you get to see, like, right now, who's your number one world leader? 0.99

01:40:55.000 I gotta go.

01:40:56.000 Putin.

01:40:57.000 100%.

01:40:57.000 He's a judo black belt.

01:40:59.000 Is he? 1.00

01:40:59.000 He looks like he'd fucking headbutt you. 1.00

01:41:01.000 Yeah, he's a judo black belt. 1.00

01:41:02.000 He'll fuck up every other world leader. 1.00

01:41:03.000 100%. 1.00

01:41:06.000 Just pictured him choking out Trump.

01:41:08.000 100%. 1.00

01:41:08.000 He would kill Trump. 1.00

01:41:09.000 He would trip him, throw him to the ground, kick him in the face. 1.00

01:41:12.000 Can you imagine the sound of his foot hitting the side of this guy's son's belly? 1.00

01:41:16.000 Just a nice fucking liver shot would be the funniest shit ever. 0.99

01:41:20.000 And everybody sits there and whatever the dispute is, this is our territory, this is your territory, it's just solved with world leader mixed martial arts. 1.00

01:41:31.000 You go and you can do whatever you want. 0.99

01:41:33.000 It'd be like the early days of that shit where the guy came in with the one boxing glove, like Trump could still wear his tie. 0.99

01:41:42.000 With, like, the little tight shorts on. 0.99

01:41:44.000 And he can keep wingtip shoes on if you want to keep... 0.99

01:41:47.000 You can do whatever the fuck you want to do. 0.99

01:41:49.000 Within reason. 0.99

01:41:50.000 I don't want to just be too violent. 0.99

01:41:51.000 But they just have to fucking... 0.99

01:41:54.000 Oh, dude, it'd be hilarious, because first of all, doesn't the son have to wear glasses, too, in the Kim Jong-il Part 2, the sequel? 0.99

01:42:04.000 The son?

01:42:05.000 Kim Jong-un?

01:42:06.000 Does he wear glasses?

01:42:07.000 Yeah, so he'd have to come in with the Kareem goggles, you know, prescription level.

01:42:11.000 Like a basketball player?

01:42:12.000 If they make those in North Korea, you know what I mean? 0.98

01:42:14.000 You'd have to get them from China. 0.99

01:42:15.000 China will send them to them. 1.00

01:42:16.000 They're friends.

01:42:17.000 Just solve it that way.

01:42:19.000 Dude, did you have your laptop custom painted?

01:42:21.000 That looks like a better color than mine.

01:42:23.000 No, the new ones come in two colors.

01:42:24.000 They come in a dark gray or a light gray.

01:42:27.000 Oh, that's it?

01:42:27.000 That's a dark gray one.

01:42:28.000 I have to throw my out.

01:42:29.000 I'm going to personally put mine in the ocean.

01:42:31.000 Do you have the brand new one that gets the fingerprint thing?

01:42:33.000 I'm personally throwing mine in the ocean.

01:42:34.000 Don't do that.

01:42:34.000 To kill some sea life.

01:42:35.000 Give it to poor kids. 0.79

01:42:37.000 And what do they do? 0.92

01:42:37.000 See all the porn I used to watch? 0.92

01:42:39.000 And then they fucking start shooting missiles off? 1.00

01:42:43.000 Start shooting missiles off. 0.99

01:42:45.000 All right, dude.

01:42:46.000 Bill Burr, get out of here before the traffic gets back.

01:42:47.000 Thank you so much.

01:42:48.000 My pleasure, brother.

01:42:49.000 Thank you for the offer of the pig leg.

01:42:51.000 I'll take that off you next time.

01:42:53.000 F is for family.

01:42:55.000 Today. 0.99

01:42:55.000 It's one of the funniest fucking shows you will ever watch in your life. 0.99

01:42:58.000 It's on Netflix right now. 0.99

01:43:00.000 Go binge.

01:43:02.000 Binge, you freaks.

01:43:03.000 Thank you.

01:43:05.000 That was good.

01:43:06.000 That was good.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 30, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #967 - Bill Burr

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript