The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #976 - Morgan Murphy

00:00:01.000 People like it's not natural. 0.99

00:00:03.000 I say, what the fuck is natural? 0.99

00:00:11.000 Powerful Morgan Murphy, we are live! 1.00

00:00:14.000 We are live!

00:00:16.000 We are live!

00:00:17.000 How are ya? 0.99

00:00:19.000 What the fuck's going on? 1.00

00:00:20.000 Is that a Spaceballs t-shirt you're wearing? 1.00

00:00:22.000 Uh, no, it's, um...

00:00:25.000 It's a No Limit Soldier t-shirt. 0.99

00:00:28.000 Oh, shit, like Master P? Whatever happened to that dude? 0.99

00:00:32.000 Mystical.

00:00:33.000 He's got a weed store, I think.

00:00:34.000 See Murder.

00:00:35.000 Ooh, See Murder.

00:00:36.000 Isn't he in jail for murder?

00:00:37.000 How odd.

00:00:37.000 There's a lot of, uh...

00:00:39.000 Yeah, a lot of people are in jail for murder right now.

00:00:41.000 It's very big.

00:00:41.000 LAUGHTER Yeah, you don't have to do your entire life though.

00:00:46.000 I used to think that every time you murder someone, that's it, you go to jail for life.

00:00:50.000 People get out of jail for murder.

00:00:51.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:00:52.000 That seems a little fucked up. 1.00

00:00:54.000 Doesn't it seem a little fucked up? 1.00

00:00:55.000 A little fucked up to have to... 1.00

00:00:57.000 I wonder if they go back to their hometown where they murdered somebody. 1.00

00:01:01.000 That's always the fucked up part to me. 0.99

00:01:03.000 It's like going back to the place where you're the town murderer. 0.99

00:01:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:01:07.000 It's fucked up in a moment of just to freak out. 0.99

00:01:11.000 You could change your whole life. 1.00

00:01:12.000 Your life's fucked. 1.00

00:01:13.000 And another person's life just isn't around anymore. 1.00

00:01:16.000 Just stops.

00:01:17.000 Done.

00:01:18.000 Yeah.

00:01:19.000 The finality of it all.

00:01:21.000 It's crazy.

00:01:22.000 It's a little uncomfortable.

00:01:23.000 I don't want you snapping.

00:01:24.000 I feel like you could snap.

00:01:26.000 I'm not a snapper.

00:01:27.000 Are you?

00:01:27.000 I'm super calm.

00:01:28.000 Really?

00:01:28.000 Yeah, pretty much.

00:01:29.000 Especially in, like, physical altercation type stuff.

00:01:33.000 I'm very aware of consequences.

00:01:35.000 What if you were on, like, your tenth lift of something, like an aggressive workout, and you're in the middle, you have all the, you know... 0.99

00:01:43.000 All your energy is just moving forward and you're lifting the kettle thing and it's number 10 and someone just comes in and tells you your mom's stupid. 0.97

00:01:52.000 I would be even less likely to do anything because I'm already exerted. 0.99

00:01:56.000 I get it.

00:01:57.000 I think of the body. 0.98

00:01:58.000 This is a shitty theory with no biology attached to it at all. 0.92

00:02:01.000 But I think the body is like a battery. 0.97

00:02:04.000 And I think almost like maybe a battery if a battery was a bucket.

00:02:08.000 And this thing can overflow. 0.91

00:02:11.000 And I think that's what you get when you get road rage.

00:02:13.000 That's what you get when you get people that snap for no reason.

00:02:16.000 I think they're already coming at you at like eight.

00:02:18.000 They're not like, hi, I'm Morgan.

00:02:20.000 Hi, I'm Joe.

00:02:20.000 And we meet each other at zero.

00:02:22.000 I think some people are meeting you.

00:02:24.000 They're already at six.

00:02:25.000 Right.

00:02:46.000 I think all those things are correct, but I really think that your body has a certain amount of requirements.

00:02:51.000 And I think, depending upon your stress level, those physical requirements might be higher. 0.91

00:02:56.000 If you have a job, and your job is some high-level accountant at some big firm, and you're crunching numbers, and it's fucking stressful as shit, I feel like your body thinks that there is some physical danger involved in this. 0.91

00:03:10.000 And I think your body amps up for that. 0.97

00:03:12.000 And then when the physical danger doesn't come, Your body is just fucking primed and ready to go, but there's nothing. 0.64

00:03:19.000 There's no action. 0.99

00:03:20.000 There's no fucking action. 1.00

00:03:21.000 This fucking cunt cut me off! 1.00

00:03:23.000 And then they start doing that shit. 1.00

00:03:24.000 Fuck you! 1.00

00:03:25.000 Fuck you! 1.00

00:03:26.000 They get in their car and they're just, fuck you, fuck you! 1.00

00:03:29.000 Because in your car, you're ramped up even more. 1.00

00:03:31.000 Because in your car, you're aware that you have to be really acutely Be aware of everything that's around you.

00:03:39.000 You have to make sure that no one's making any mistakes, because you're all going 65 miles an hour, and a little error can happen really quickly.

00:03:45.000 So you're on edge already when you're in your car, even if you're calm.

00:03:49.000 Even if you're calm when you're in your car, your sensors are tuned in. 0.98

00:03:52.000 You're fucking paying attention if you're a healthy human being. 0.98

00:03:55.000 You're looking left. 1.00

00:03:56.000 You're looking in the mirror.

00:03:56.000 You're looking right.

00:03:57.000 You're checking to make sure that you're okay. 0.99

00:03:59.000 You're making sure that no one's doing anything stupid.

00:04:01.000 And then you compound that with the stress of your daily life with no physical release. 0.96

00:04:06.000 Right.

00:04:06.000 We don't have animals chasing us anymore.

00:04:08.000 Exactly.

00:04:09.000 And we don't have invading tribes.

00:04:11.000 That would be fun, though, to have a buffalo chase you all day.

00:04:13.000 And then you would release the proper amount of energy given the threat.

00:04:17.000 It would be realistic.

00:04:18.000 We'd have a more realistic population number, too.

00:04:21.000 I like it.

00:04:22.000 That would be one thing.

00:04:23.000 We don't like that, though. 0.99

00:04:24.000 Whenever anything gets too close, we just kill them off. 1.00

00:04:28.000 Just kill them off. 1.00

00:04:30.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:04:31.000 Fuck having buffaloes everywhere. 1.00

00:04:32.000 Fuck, kill them. 1.00

00:04:33.000 Fucking kill them! 1.00

00:04:34.000 Stop! 1.00

00:04:35.000 There's consequences!

00:04:36.000 I gotta go to work! 1.00

00:04:38.000 Kill it! 1.00

00:04:41.000 That's a bigger problem right now in America. 0.99

00:04:42.000 Do you know that they reintroduced wolves into America in the 1990s?

00:04:46.000 Now there's this giant debate whether or not wolves should be here.

00:04:49.000 Really?

00:04:50.000 Where'd they do that?

00:04:51.000 Yellowstone.

00:04:52.000 Oh.

00:04:53.000 Yeah.

00:04:54.000 I think they're badass. 1.00

00:04:56.000 But you gotta keep an eye on the fuckers. 0.99

00:04:58.000 Yeah, I got a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. 1.00

00:05:01.000 I have a lot of coyote neighbors.

00:05:02.000 Yeah.

00:05:03.000 Super common.

00:05:04.000 See them all the time.

00:05:05.000 I had a biologist on who tracks coyotes.

00:05:07.000 That's what he does.

00:05:09.000 Oh, he does track coyotes around Los Angeles. 0.99

00:05:11.000 And he's like, dude, they're fucking everywhere. 0.99

00:05:13.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:05:13.000 So they were living in middle of downtown LA in the most crowded area. 0.98

00:05:16.000 They had a den.

00:05:18.000 It's crazy.

00:05:19.000 Yeah, I call my neighbors when there's a coyote.

00:05:23.000 If I see a coyote going up their driveway, I call them if somebody knocks on the door asking for money for some organization.

00:05:30.000 Everyone gives each other an alert.

00:05:31.000 Oh, that's nice.

00:05:32.000 Coyotes or, you know, people for environmental LA or whatever.

00:05:37.000 Yeah, those people just knocking on your door.

00:05:39.000 Ooh, that's a bad feeling.

00:05:41.000 I gave them money for bees one time. 0.99

00:05:43.000 They got me all nervous about bees and saving the bees and I was like, oh shit. 0.98

00:05:47.000 I really went from like, I'm having coffee and a cigarette to like, oh, I gotta save the bees now. 0.98

00:05:52.000 It's my responsibility to solely do it.

00:05:54.000 Doesn't that also depend on like where your head's at, right?

00:05:57.000 Like if your head is in a really good place and someone knocks on the door and you don't know who they are, it's cool.

00:06:02.000 You're like, hi.

00:06:03.000 You're like, hi, we're here to save chimpanzees.

00:06:04.000 You're like, oh, okay.

00:06:06.000 Like, what do you guys do?

00:06:07.000 And then you start talking to them. 0.94

00:06:09.000 Well, if they can, like, within a minute, make you understand something you didn't understand before, you're like, oh, shit, now I gotta pay attention. 0.98

00:06:14.000 Right. 1.00

00:06:14.000 Like, they sucked me in. 1.00

00:06:15.000 Because I wasn't aware of our bee situation.

00:06:18.000 Oh, so they immediately hit you with some facts.

00:06:19.000 They hit me with some facts.

00:06:21.000 And I was like, oh, boy.

00:06:22.000 Now, how are they gonna save these bees?

00:06:24.000 I don't know.

00:06:25.000 Just gave them money?

00:06:26.000 With my $40.

00:06:28.000 Just take this paper and just go handle it, son.

00:06:32.000 Go handle it.

00:06:33.000 Yeah, if the bees die, we're dead.

00:06:34.000 We're all dead, apparently.

00:06:35.000 Yeah.

00:06:36.000 Except in China, they figured out a way to pollinate things with just a brush. 0.98

00:06:41.000 There was an issue where they were really low on bees and they tried reintroducing bees and it didn't take.

00:06:45.000 So last ditch effort was they took people with a paintbrush and they dusted the pollen on all these different plants.

00:06:55.000 Like one at a time?

00:06:56.000 Yeah.

00:06:56.000 They literally pollinated all these plants.

00:06:59.000 And apparently it worked way better.

00:07:01.000 Because bees are sort of non-specific.

00:07:04.000 Like, bees are just going over there and they're doing their thing and they just get shit on their body and it transfers over to the plants.

00:07:09.000 It's really kind of fascinating how it works.

00:07:11.000 But these people did it very specifically with a paintbrush.

00:07:14.000 It was really interesting.

00:07:16.000 Yeah, it's hard to do a bee's job as a person. 0.97

00:07:17.000 See if we can find the video of it. 0.96

00:07:18.000 It's kind of fucking weird. 0.92

00:07:20.000 Because, like, you could make the argument, like, we don't really need bees. 0.98

00:07:24.000 Unless you want honey.

00:07:26.000 Honey's not even really good for you.

00:07:27.000 How about that?

00:07:27.000 That was going through my head, and then they explained to me why we need bees.

00:07:30.000 Which I forgot, but it was a...

00:07:33.000 It was enough.

00:07:34.000 I had a guy come to me at Whole Foods.

00:07:36.000 This is my most intrusive.

00:07:37.000 I think the most intrusive is when you're in the parking lot at Whole Foods, because that's when they usually get you. 0.90

00:07:43.000 When you're walking out, they try to get you right as you're walking out, and it's fucking hot outside. 0.99

00:07:47.000 And you have, like, ice cream and shit. 0.97

00:07:49.000 And you're like, hey, dude. 0.99

00:07:50.000 You also have, like, $17 ice cream, so they know you have a few bucks.

00:07:55.000 That's right.

00:07:56.000 Now, because of Amazon, we won't have to do that anymore.

00:07:58.000 Amazon just bought Whole Foods. 1.00

00:08:00.000 So just be able to one-click your shit. 0.99

00:08:03.000 But, um, this guy, he hits me up, stops me in the middle, like, stops me, stands in front of my cart, puts his finger up. 1.00

00:08:09.000 Do you have one minute for gay rights? 1.00

00:08:12.000 Like, one minute's not gonna help shit, man. 1.00

00:08:15.000 Like, what are you talking about? 1.00

00:08:16.000 I vote?

00:08:16.000 Like, what do you want me to do?

00:08:18.000 Want me to donate?

00:08:19.000 What's this one minute?

00:08:20.000 What are you gonna tell me?

00:08:21.000 What are you gonna tell me? 0.99

00:08:22.000 You're not gonna tell me shit. 0.99

00:08:23.000 I go, no, I do not. 0.99

00:08:25.000 I vote for gay rights, though.

00:08:26.000 Take it easy, man. 1.00

00:08:27.000 Like, you fucking... 1.00

00:08:28.000 That's an annoying activist. 1.00

00:08:31.000 What Whole Foods was this at?

00:08:33.000 Woodland Hills.

00:08:33.000 Oh, all right.

00:08:34.000 Right here.

00:08:35.000 Right up the street.

00:08:35.000 All right.

00:08:36.000 I was trying to, like, figure out politically where that Whole Foods aligns.

00:08:41.000 I don't know what the deal is.

00:08:42.000 Like, where they're allowed to have people...

00:08:44.000 This was a couple years ago, honestly. 1.00

00:08:45.000 I still complain about it, because I'm kind of a whiny bitch. 0.99

00:08:47.000 But, um... 0.99

00:08:49.000 I don't know what the deal is.

00:08:50.000 Like, are you allowed to just set up shop anywhere and put like one of those picnic stands and, you know, they have like one of those little plastic tables.

00:08:58.000 They set down and they show you a picture of a baby with a bloated belly and they show you...

00:09:02.000 Yeah, you hope it's Girl Scout cookies and it turns out to be just a horror show.

00:09:07.000 Yeah.

00:09:08.000 Pending apocalypse.

00:09:09.000 I almost think like when I see someone like some kids selling lemonade or something like that, I'm like, oh, this is like you guys are doing like a throwback thing.

00:09:17.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:18.000 I almost feel like, oh, you guys are doing like an old time.

00:09:20.000 You're making your own butter.

00:09:21.000 Look at your kids.

00:09:23.000 This is not sustainable.

00:09:24.000 This is not a real thing anybody does anymore.

00:09:26.000 You got a lemonade stand?

00:09:27.000 Okay.

00:09:28.000 Did you get a horse and ride your horse over here with this lemonade stand?

00:09:33.000 There's always parents now helping the lemonade.

00:09:35.000 You can't do it alone.

00:09:36.000 You can't do anything alone anymore.

00:09:37.000 Always.

00:09:38.000 It's always parents there, and it's always those helicopter parents.

00:09:41.000 Don't touch the money, Billy!

00:09:42.000 Don't put your mouth!

00:09:44.000 I would sell, uh, when I was a kid, I would, like, take my books and stuff and sell them in my front yard.

00:09:48.000 Like, I would just put them out.

00:09:49.000 I thought it was fun to have my own garage sale.

00:09:51.000 But I didn't see my mom for, like, you know, seven hours of the day, and I'd come back inside, and she'd go, what'd you do?

00:09:55.000 I'm like, I made four dollars.

00:09:57.000 Like, she didn't know how I made four dollars. 0.99

00:09:58.000 I was selling all my shit in the front yard. 0.98

00:10:01.000 She didn't see me or ask me anything. 0.99

00:10:04.000 Different times.

00:10:05.000 Different times.

00:10:06.000 Parents, they just let you out.

00:10:08.000 They let you out, but this was in the 80s, which was prime.

00:10:12.000 Kidnapping was hot.

00:10:15.000 Your mom had faith in your avoidance skills, maybe.

00:10:18.000 Yeah.

00:10:19.000 You think about how people used to raise people.

00:10:22.000 Everybody I talked to, they just let their kids out.

00:10:25.000 Like, when you were, you know, my age.

00:10:28.000 Like, I'm 49. When I was, like, 7, 42 years ago, they just let you out of the house.

00:10:35.000 I used to get kicked out of the house, but I was given a time I had to be back.

00:10:38.000 It was a very, like, broken system of, like, get out, but come back by 5 and don't walk under the overpass tunnel.

00:10:47.000 Like, I was given rules.

00:10:48.000 That's where the trolls go. 0.90

00:10:50.000 Yeah, I was given rules.

00:10:52.000 Like, what year did they stop doing that?

00:10:54.000 Like, just letting kids out?

00:10:56.000 Like, when did that stop?

00:10:57.000 Because everyone my age says the same thing.

00:11:00.000 They said when we were kids, did you get just let out of your house, Jamie?

00:11:03.000 Yeah.

00:11:03.000 Jamie's young.

00:11:04.000 How old are you, Jamie?

00:11:05.000 34. He's younger.

00:11:07.000 A lot of 22-year-olds are like, that fucking dude's old as shit, bro! 1.00

00:11:12.000 Somebody called me a geriatric on Twitter the other day. 1.00

00:11:14.000 I was like, how dare you, you little cunt? 1.00

00:11:16.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:11:18.000 But if you're Jamie's age, you got let out.

00:11:21.000 We would ride our bikes miles away from our house.

00:11:24.000 Yeah, but you lived in the woods.

00:11:25.000 No, down like Columbus.

00:11:26.000 That's the woods, man.

00:11:27.000 You might as well be.

00:11:28.000 I grew up in LA, and I would walk down Ventura Boulevard, which is practically a thoroughfare when you're a kid.

00:11:35.000 Okay.

00:11:35.000 And I would walk past, like they had these motels where the door opened directly to the sidewalk.

00:11:41.000 You know those motels?

00:11:42.000 Oh yeah, those are the best.

00:11:43.000 And that was where I was sure I was going to get kidnapped.

00:11:45.000 An arm was going to come out and grab me in. 0.87

00:11:47.000 So I would walk and then I'd hop past the doors.

00:11:50.000 The motel doors.

00:11:51.000 Those motels.

00:11:52.000 To pay my beeper bill.

00:11:53.000 Those are weird places.

00:11:55.000 Yeah.

00:11:55.000 Pay your beeper bill?

00:11:56.000 Yeah, I had a beeper.

00:11:57.000 I had a pager.

00:11:58.000 Jesus Christ.

00:11:58.000 I was like 12 and that was like what I saved up all my money for because everyone had one.

00:12:03.000 Did you have the one that made messages? 0.97

00:12:05.000 Yeah, I had all that shit, and I would walk down to J&J Beepers in Studio City and pay in cash. 0.98

00:12:11.000 It's like a 12-year-old, my beeper bill. 0.99

00:12:13.000 Do you remember J.J. King of Beepers?

00:12:15.000 Is that it?

00:12:16.000 I think it's the same LA. There was a lot of J&J. I feel like people stole the...

00:12:23.000 Stole the name.

00:12:24.000 I forgot about that dude.

00:12:25.000 The king of beepers. 0.91

00:12:27.000 Yeah.

00:12:28.000 I had turquoise, clear.

00:12:30.000 You had a clear beeper?

00:12:30.000 Ooh, those were slick.

00:12:31.000 Those were slick. 1.00

00:12:32.000 That's some Star Wars shit. 0.99

00:12:33.000 I'd page myself so that I had messages in there so people looked at it. 0.98

00:12:38.000 I had no friends.

00:12:41.000 The King of Beepers. 0.76

00:12:43.000 This is J.J. Beepers, Las Vegas.

00:12:46.000 Well, he was in L.A. too.

00:12:47.000 I don't know if the same guy.

00:12:49.000 Or maybe it's one of those things where it's like Kleenex.

00:12:52.000 All the other guys, that's the right name for it.

00:12:54.000 Let's just start calling ourselves Kleenex.

00:12:58.000 You know, like it became...

00:12:59.000 Do you think it was all JJ? Well, it's like how there's pink dot, but there's also pink elephant.

00:13:03.000 Like, I think people just kind of steal a little.

00:13:07.000 Pink... 0.69

00:13:07.000 Pinks? 0.69

00:13:09.000 They probably started it.

00:13:10.000 The hot dog place?

00:13:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:11.000 Never been.

00:13:12.000 That's the biggest weird fucking event in L.A. There's a goddamn line of people to buy hot dogs. 1.00

00:13:17.000 Nobody from L.A. Well, here's the thing. 1.00

00:13:19.000 Put hot dogs on a regular fucking menu. 0.99

00:13:21.000 Good luck. 1.00

00:13:22.000 Better not buy a lot of hot dogs.

00:13:24.000 Like if you have a regular restaurant and you have hot dogs as one of the offerings, how often do people...

00:13:30.000 Is it even one in a ten?

00:13:32.000 You get a hot dog if it's like one of two options.

00:13:35.000 Like at Burbank Airport, you can get a hot dog or like a pre-packaged salad.

00:13:40.000 And occasionally I'm like, you know, I want something fresh like a hot dog.

00:13:43.000 Or a turkey sandwich that's sort of moist in some weird way.

00:13:47.000 Yeah.

00:13:47.000 The bread's kind of wet.

00:13:48.000 Like, what the fuck is this? 0.98

00:13:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:13:50.000 Wet bread in lieu of mayo or condiments. 0.99

00:13:54.000 And of course, it's sporting events.

00:13:55.000 The UFC, they always have hot dogs.

00:13:57.000 A lot of hot dogs at a sporting event.

00:13:58.000 It's good food for a sporting event.

00:14:02.000 It's recreational food, right?

00:14:04.000 Picnics and barbecues.

00:14:05.000 Sure.

00:14:06.000 Always hot dogs, right?

00:14:07.000 Yeah.

00:14:07.000 It's a good move for a barbecue.

00:14:09.000 It's simple.

00:14:10.000 You can't really fuck it up. 0.54

00:14:11.000 If it looks brown on the outside, it's done. 0.88

00:14:13.000 Right?

00:14:14.000 It's already cooked.

00:14:14.000 You could eat it raw.

00:14:15.000 Yeah, it doesn't need to be cooked.

00:14:16.000 Yeah.

00:14:17.000 You could eat it right out of the package.

00:14:19.000 So it's a good move for that.

00:14:20.000 But somehow or another, Pink's has convinced people just by cooking outside.

00:14:24.000 They just have a big open area where they're cooking right in front of you. 0.80

00:14:27.000 And everybody's like, oh, I want one of those. 1.00

00:14:29.000 And there's a fucking line. 0.99

00:14:31.000 Well, I think the line is why people go. 1.00

00:14:33.000 I think people just go for a line.

00:14:36.000 And the line is outside.

00:14:37.000 You can see the line.

00:14:38.000 Yeah.

00:14:39.000 It's not like Astro Burger at like 2 a.m.

00:14:41.000 where you can't see the line.

00:14:42.000 The line is exciting.

00:14:43.000 It's what draws...

00:14:45.000 Taurus.

00:14:46.000 I think that's Jamie Masada's strategy.

00:14:48.000 See the line?

00:14:49.000 He's always got that crazy line outside the Laugh Factory.

00:14:52.000 And he makes the comics wait in line, too.

00:14:54.000 Really?

00:14:56.000 I haven't been in a little while, but no, no, no, I don't know that.

00:15:00.000 Their open mic deal is kind of nuts.

00:15:02.000 Like, you have to get there at like 9 in the morning, and you wait outside.

00:15:04.000 And if you leave, you lose your spot.

00:15:07.000 So you have to, like, have some sort of a friendship with the other comics.

00:15:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:15:10.000 That was, like, the comedy store had a situation...

00:15:13.000 I mean, the open mic, when I was started, it was, like, 15 years ago, I would...

00:15:17.000 Bobby Lee was the host of the open mic.

00:15:20.000 And he knew I had to...

00:15:21.000 I was in college, I was in school, and I was in class, so I couldn't go all day and wait.

00:15:26.000 So he would slide my name into the open mic, and I would get to come after class.

00:15:30.000 That's sweet.

00:15:30.000 That was real cute.

00:15:32.000 Yeah.

00:15:33.000 But the open mics were always weird, right?

00:15:36.000 They're always weird.

00:15:37.000 And in LA, they're extra weird because there's so much...

00:15:40.000 I feel like if you can make it to be a professional comedian and you start out in LA, you're a rare person.

00:15:47.000 Well, it's all...

00:15:49.000 50-50 comedians and then just mentally ill transients who are also comedians. 0.86

00:15:58.000 You just wait and you go, alright, it's going to be my friend and then it's going to be that guy who has all of his belongings with him and then it's going to be my other friend and then it's going to be that crazy lady and then it'll be me. 0.96

00:16:11.000 You just wait.

00:16:12.000 Wait and wait and wait. 1.00

00:16:13.000 And you just wonder what kind of fucking diseases are just festering on that microphone. 0.99

00:16:19.000 And also just what's the point of this? 0.99

00:16:20.000 What am I doing?

00:16:22.000 Right.

00:16:22.000 Especially in the beginning.

00:16:23.000 Yeah.

00:16:24.000 To have vision and hope.

00:16:26.000 Like what was your initial goal when you first started doing stand-up?

00:16:30.000 Really simply, I knew I liked writing a lot, even before I started doing stand-up.

00:16:36.000 And I think stand-up, I've tried to figure it out.

00:16:39.000 The easiest way to explain it, I think, is that I just wanted to see if what I was writing was funny.

00:16:45.000 And so that's sort of why, even when I started, I mean, I'm still deadpan, obviously, but when I started, I was so dry because I was essentially just reading out loud these thoughts I had with no real performance background and I wasn't, you know,

00:17:00.000 necessarily a performer at heart.

00:17:03.000 So I was just like reading one-liners and going, is this funny?

00:17:06.000 Is this funny?

00:17:07.000 Get a laugh, keep it.

00:17:08.000 Don't get a laugh, throw it away.

00:17:10.000 But if you throw it away, like, you never know sometimes.

00:17:15.000 Is it me?

00:17:16.000 Is it the way I'm delivering it?

00:17:18.000 Is this joke, is it a good idea, but it's kind of, it's done wrong?

00:17:22.000 Yeah, and then at that time, too, you don't have the ability to perform at a hundred different places, so you're not going, okay, it works in the alternative room, but doesn't work at the club, or it's just like, oh, well, it didn't work at the laundromat, but it worked at the coffeehouse.

00:17:37.000 I wonder what that means about this joke.

00:17:39.000 Right.

00:17:39.000 It's like jokes that'll work at the UCB, but they bomb on the store.

00:17:43.000 Yeah.

00:17:44.000 Like, why?

00:17:45.000 What's going on?

00:17:46.000 Like, why'd that get an applause break at the UCB? And they just fucking stared at me in the main room. 0.99

00:17:53.000 Following Rick Ingram, they just stared at you. 0.99

00:17:55.000 Sometimes that UCB is hot.

00:17:57.000 I mean, that's just any word that comes out of your mouth.

00:17:59.000 It's weird.

00:18:00.000 And then sometimes, nope.

00:18:01.000 It's a weird place.

00:18:03.000 It's weird they don't pay, too.

00:18:04.000 That's also super weird.

00:18:06.000 Yeah, I think if I was...

00:18:07.000 I'd be a little less...

00:18:09.000 I'm not even that upset about it, but I feel like I'd be less upset if I was, like, involved in the school and realized that it's, oh, it's so kids can take classes at, like, a decent rate.

00:18:18.000 I think...

00:18:19.000 Isn't that what it's for?

00:18:20.000 So that kids can take really cheap classes there?

00:18:22.000 Isn't that what it sustains?

00:18:24.000 Like, the shows?

00:18:25.000 What kind of classes do they have?

00:18:27.000 They have, like, comedy classes. 0.99

00:18:28.000 Improv and shit. 0.99

00:18:29.000 Oh. 1.00

00:18:30.000 Can you teach...

00:18:31.000 Well, maybe you can teach improv, huh?

00:18:33.000 Do you believe you can teach stand-up?

00:18:35.000 I believe you can teach somebody...

00:18:38.000 I think you can help somebody, encourage them to get on stage, but I don't think you can teach the ability to be funny.

00:18:48.000 No.

00:18:49.000 I don't know what...

00:18:50.000 Stand-up in what capacity?

00:18:52.000 I guess you could teach somebody to...

00:18:55.000 You can mold their thoughts into jokes and help them and shove them on stage, but I don't know what kind of comedian that makes.

00:19:03.000 Yeah, I feel like, boy, it's one of those things where I've learned a lot about it. 0.99

00:19:08.000 So I always wonder, like, maybe you can teach something, because I've definitely learned some shit. 0.91

00:19:13.000 Well, yeah, I mean, people, you know, I think there are... 0.99

00:19:16.000 If you find out your favorite comedian, you know, sits down and writes an hour a day at a Starbucks or whatever, you go, oh, maybe I'll try that.

00:19:23.000 Like, little tricks and things like that, but I don't know.

00:19:27.000 I don't know anyone who's, you know...

00:19:30.000 Who I deeply, deeply admire who would credit all their success to their comedy classes.

00:19:35.000 No.

00:19:36.000 Well, there's not enough classes.

00:19:37.000 That'd be like a real poor focus group.

00:19:40.000 But I know Ari did an interesting thing a while back where he used to go to a town, like when he was doing stand-up, and like he was headlining for the weekend, he would go to a town and he would do like a free seminar for the local comics.

00:19:53.000 Tell them, like, this is how you get a manager.

00:19:56.000 Stop asking people to take you with them on the road when you're two months into comedy.

00:20:01.000 Stop asking, you know, managers to handle you like you just got to get good first and give them all this advice about like getting an agent.

00:20:09.000 Yeah, I went to Penn, you know, UPenn recently, and I was talking to some students and I don't like fancy myself like an instructor of any kind, but they were asking me, You know, about comedy, writing specifically and stuff.

00:20:25.000 And the advice I gave was very practical and had nothing to do with the craft, which was just like, don't be annoying in the room. 0.96

00:20:33.000 Don't, you know, like in a TV, like in the writing for like a TV show and like jokes don't work, don't go, that didn't work, that's not your job to say that, like that kind of shit. 0.59

00:20:42.000 Just like how to get through the first year without annoying everybody. 0.70

00:20:45.000 I think that's not like taught.

00:20:48.000 Right.

00:20:48.000 Yeah, that's smart.

00:20:49.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:20:51.000 Like, shut up is a great rule. 1.00

00:20:52.000 You can make big mistakes. 0.97

00:20:54.000 Yeah, you can be a person that nobody wants to work with.

00:20:57.000 It doesn't matter how talented you are.

00:20:59.000 Yeah.

00:21:00.000 Well, writers oftentimes are very awkward, right?

00:21:03.000 They can be it depends like the rooms are very split into when I got into like sitcom stuff like it's just very split into Very just internal Kind of what you would typically think of as like a writer and then there's a couple comedians sprinkled in there who kind of bounce more jokes around It's just a women people who are just good at structure Hmm Yeah, 1.00

00:21:26.000 that's an interesting thing the people that are good at structure Because sometimes they try to be funny Sometimes.

00:21:33.000 The thing I like about those rooms, obviously it's so much fun to be in a room with comedians, but once you realize, oh, that person can do a thing I can't and I can do a thing they can't, you start to realize, oh, we could go into a room and get a lot of work done together.

00:21:47.000 That is the thing, right?

00:21:48.000 It's like lining up the pieces.

00:21:50.000 No matter how much you want a square and a circle to line up, they just don't seem to.

00:21:55.000 When you have a writer's room or anything like that, I think a big part of it depends on just the fortunate chemistry of all the people coming together.

00:22:04.000 Yeah, and that first day where you show up, if it's not your room and you haven't hired anybody and you don't know who's there, is terrifying.

00:22:11.000 Because you show up and you know within five minutes if...

00:22:15.000 This is going to be a fun X number of months or if you're just going to be trudging through. 0.99

00:22:19.000 What's the biggest shit show you ever had to work on? 0.91

00:22:24.000 I've had really, like, tremendously good luck as far as, like, just working with friends and stuff on so many things. 0.98

00:22:30.000 But I worked on an award show once, and the boss basically didn't let me write jokes.

00:22:37.000 Like, they needed to hire a woman, and I guess I was recommended.

00:22:40.000 And I was like, I'll take a stab at these jokes.

00:22:44.000 And he was like, no, no, no, just write the banter where it says, like, coming up next is this person.

00:22:49.000 And I was like, well, anyone can do that.

00:22:52.000 He just literally wouldn't allow me to write jokes.

00:22:55.000 So you got hired as a joke writer, and then once you got there, he just wanted you to write narrative?

00:22:59.000 Just banter, just like, you know, like our next guest is, you know, from...

00:23:05.000 The hangover and please welcome him.

00:23:07.000 Is that what they call it?

00:23:10.000 They call it banter like when you're writing things?

00:23:12.000 Yeah well no I mean like that in my 20s I wrote on a lot of award shows so there's like the jokes the monologue all that stuff and then there's just the going out to commercial and come back in all that stuff has to be written right and sometimes they try to make it funny and sometimes they don't but you can break it up you guys break it up in terms of like this is the these are the jokes this is the banter this is the narrative this is the structure Yeah,

00:23:34.000 the last...

00:23:34.000 I mean, I was just writing on the NBA awards that are going to be on in the 26th of the month.

00:23:40.000 Drake is hosting on TNT, and it's just like...

00:23:43.000 I mean, I've written on the ESPYs before, so this is like that, but for just NBA. And we've been doing...

00:23:50.000 You know, it's a combination of, like, I write a lot of monologue jokes.

00:23:53.000 There's other guys who are better at sketches, like film sketches, tape pieces.

00:23:57.000 There's live comedy stuff on stage.

00:24:00.000 Then there's, you know, like I said, like the kind of a little more boring, like this next person is the, you know, two-time MVP. So why did this guy hire you?

00:24:09.000 You really think he hired you just because he needed a woman?

00:24:12.000 Yeah.

00:24:13.000 Wow.

00:24:14.000 Yeah, I know he did.

00:24:16.000 That's so crazy.

00:24:17.000 Yeah, I knew it all.

00:24:18.000 I knew it all when it was happening.

00:24:20.000 Ew.

00:24:21.000 Wouldn't he even let you try?

00:24:22.000 No. 0.99

00:24:23.000 That's foolish. 0.97

00:24:25.000 Yeah, it was bizarre, and it was the only case of, like, you know, sexism that I think I've been confronted with. 0.93

00:24:33.000 Which is, I mean, I guess lucky in 15 years, I don't feel like I've...

00:24:37.000 I've had that.

00:24:38.000 I mean, for years and years and years, I never worked with another woman.

00:24:42.000 I was the only girl, and everyone treated me great.

00:24:45.000 It's a tougher road for comics to be a woman. 1.00

00:24:49.000 Yeah, I can't...

00:24:50.000 I mean, it's so funny now.

00:24:52.000 It's so hard to...

00:24:53.000 The landscape right now, I think so many women are being given chances that didn't even exist ten years ago. 1.00

00:24:59.000 So it's interesting to see.

00:25:03.000 But I never had...

00:25:05.000 I don't know.

00:25:06.000 I never had, like, those kind of sexist roadblocks, if that makes sense.

00:25:11.000 Well, I think that, like, starting and developing as a female is more difficult.

00:25:17.000 Just from my personal observations, because men a lot of times don't want to laugh at women.

00:25:21.000 They definitely don't want to laugh at women telling them things about, like, politics or world events. 0.97

00:25:26.000 Like a woman that seems informed, like for whatever reason, they'll tolerate a guy, especially if it's a guy like Ron White, right?

00:25:32.000 Distinguished looking gentleman with silver hair.

00:25:34.000 Absolutely.

00:25:35.000 One of my favorites.

00:25:36.000 Beautiful voice.

00:25:36.000 If Ron's up there and he tells people something about some sort of a fact, like people will sit back and listen, oh, I didn't know that.

00:25:44.000 If a woman gets on stage and tells a man or group of men about a fact... 0.97

00:25:49.000 It's very rare.

00:25:51.000 They're gonna go, wow, I didn't know that.

00:25:52.000 That's amazing. 1.00

00:25:53.000 What the fuck does this bitch know? 1.00

00:25:55.000 Right? 1.00

00:25:55.000 So there's that. 1.00

00:25:57.000 That's a roadblock.

00:25:58.000 And then the other roadblock is...

00:26:01.000 Well, you can do sex jokes now. 0.62

00:26:05.000 Obviously, Sarah Silverman kind of broke a lot of that down, where so much of her act was just straight dirty and hilarious. 1.00

00:26:11.000 And then Amy Schumer, of course, and a lot of other people.

00:26:14.000 But it's still, when you're developing, when you're starting out, it seems like it's more of a difficult world to navigate than a guy telling sex jokes.

00:26:26.000 Yeah, it's a difficult world and it's also like socially it's...

00:26:29.000 I think the precarious...

00:26:33.000 It's interesting because what I realized when I was, you know, 19, 20 was...

00:26:43.000 That aspect of people dating in the scene and all that kind of stuff, all that happens too.

00:26:48.000 And I found that if a woman who was new-ish, around my level at the time, was dating somebody else, they were automatically looked at as a comedy groupie.

00:27:00.000 And that was the thing that didn't apply to men.

00:27:02.000 That was the one part where I was like, I don't...

00:27:05.000 I don't quite get that.

00:27:06.000 Well, that's not totally true, because I've seen some guys that are dating famous women, and they're sort of like underlings, sort of men, stand-up comics, and everybody treats them like they're a comedy groupie.

00:27:17.000 You think?

00:27:17.000 I saw that a lot when I was younger, the opposite, where I didn't see men getting tagged with that label.

00:27:25.000 But I was so scared and paranoid of being...

00:27:29.000 I was so scared of being considered anything other than a comedian that I, for years and years, didn't date anybody in comedy at all.

00:27:40.000 That's smart.

00:27:40.000 Because I was worried that if I showed up to a show with a guy who potentially was more successful than me, then the first thought would be, she's the girl who's with that guy, not she's the girl who's going up next.

00:27:53.000 Sure.

00:27:53.000 Not just that, but she's with that guy because of this.

00:27:56.000 Right.

00:27:56.000 She thinks that's going to be the path.

00:27:58.000 When, in fact, there's a lot of people with legitimate relationships where it's not the path, it's just you're attracted to somebody and, you know, eventually, you know, I made my way through a few people.

00:28:08.000 That's another prejudice.

00:28:09.000 It's just one of those things.

00:28:10.000 Another prejudice that you have to sort of overcome. 0.98

00:28:13.000 Like, if you actually like someone and they happen to be a comic, though, what the fuck do you do? 0.74

00:28:18.000 Like, you say if you like someone and they happen to be some big-time comedian. 0.89

00:28:21.000 Like, what are you supposed to do?

00:28:22.000 Not like them now?

00:28:23.000 And they like you?

00:28:24.000 Not like them? 1.00

00:28:25.000 That's stupid, too. 1.00

00:28:26.000 It is stupid, but I was... 1.00

00:28:30.000 Terrified of... 1.00

00:28:31.000 I don't know.

00:28:32.000 I think I was very eager to impress...

00:28:37.000 I don't know.

00:28:38.000 I was very eager to prove myself.

00:28:39.000 And maybe that is partly...

00:28:43.000 Being a woman, as much as I didn't find it harder, I did find myself wanting to prove any stereotype that anyone might have about me wrong.

00:28:54.000 I don't feel as much of that as a mission anymore.

00:28:57.000 I just am who I am, but I think you have a lot wrapped in your head when you're...

00:29:02.000 Especially when you really aren't stable, as far as financially.

00:29:06.000 You're really not a real professional anymore.

00:29:08.000 Or yet. 0.97

00:29:09.000 And then once you become one, once you're established in the community, after a while it's like, what am I wasting my time even thinking about this shit for? 0.99

00:29:17.000 So I think it's harder for chicks to develop. 1.00

00:29:20.000 But I think once they become good, and once they get out there, there's a lower bar.

00:29:28.000 I don't know.

00:29:29.000 I think the bar is the same height for most good people.

00:29:41.000 And then there's another bar that's higher for the greats.

00:29:45.000 You know what I mean?

00:29:46.000 I don't think the bar is lower for women. 1.00

00:29:48.000 I think it's lower for people who are not as famous, not as successful, not as established, not as good.

00:29:56.000 But...

00:29:58.000 I don't know.

00:29:59.000 I think the bar is the same for men and women.

00:30:01.000 I just think there's a few different bars.

00:30:04.000 What I mean by that is that I think that it's easier to get a lot of attention early on if you're good and you're a woman.

00:30:15.000 Because there's not that many of them.

00:30:17.000 Yeah, sure.

00:30:18.000 I would apply that to any person who's something that is rare in comedy.

00:30:25.000 Right.

00:30:26.000 Like a specific nationality. 0.86

00:30:28.000 For a little bit.

00:30:28.000 But then you have to prove yourself.

00:30:29.000 You always have to prove yourself.

00:30:32.000 And then, I don't know, I see comedy too in these, there's so many different factions to me.

00:30:36.000 There's people who are so great at stand-up and then as a writer and somebody who tries to make projects and wrap them around people, I also see so many people who I go, that's not my favorite stand-up, that's not a great stand-up in my opinion, but that's somebody I would love to write for,

00:30:51.000 that's somebody I'd love to put in a show.

00:30:53.000 So I see all these columns of comedians and I judge people accordingly and I think there are legitimately comedians who are not like...

00:31:03.000 We're good to go.

00:31:20.000 Well, there's definitely that.

00:31:21.000 And there's also the difference between those guys and the guys that are in funny movies, like Adam Sandler-type movies.

00:31:28.000 Sure.

00:31:29.000 It's got a gang of those guys that are always in those movies.

00:31:32.000 And they might not necessarily be the best stand-ups or the kind of guys you want to see, but they're great in those movies.

00:31:37.000 Yeah, I mean, and then, but it's, I mean, who's, I don't know, in that group, like, my favorite stand-up is probably Norm, who, I mean, I went to go see the, they did a Netflix movie, and they had, like, a tour with all the actors, you know, the comedians from it, and it couldn't have been a bit different group of comedians,

00:31:53.000 and you go, okay, well, Norm's my favorite stand-up there.

00:31:56.000 I go, is Norm, you know...

00:31:58.000 Yeah.

00:32:11.000 Yeah, it's one of those things, I guess, when you look at things in categories, like you know that Kevin Hart does his own stand-up, but you also know that he does movies where other people write the lines, and I'm sure he helps make them funnier and all that stuff, but he's reading a script,

00:32:27.000 essentially.

00:32:27.000 And then there's people that go on stage doing stand-up, and you could be like, I guess you could be a really amazing performer.

00:32:39.000 And just have some wizards behind the scenes that write for you. 0.98

00:32:43.000 And you could make a fucking incredible stand-up act. 0.93

00:32:47.000 Yeah, that stuff's so interesting to me. 0.99

00:32:49.000 But it's rare.

00:32:49.000 Yeah, I have a very specific...

00:32:51.000 If I was to boil down the stand-up comedy that I love and respect the most, it has nothing to do with TV, and it has nothing to do with...

00:33:01.000 It's just comedians and who they are on stage, and that's how I... Judge who I love and don't love as a comedian, but there's so many other factors in show business that you have to sort of take into consideration.

00:33:16.000 I mean, we like a lot of people who are very famous who might not be The very best, but we know them the most, right?

00:33:24.000 Well what I was gonna say is that when you're when you're doing stand-up though for whatever weird reason the people that we all love the most Are almost always people that like write for themselves. 0.90

00:33:34.000 Yeah, and it's very difficult to get like say you're not gonna get Bill Burr to write for some CAA creation like say if CAA Something fucking comic.

00:33:45.000 He's got perfect cheekbones, and he's got a great way of delivering jokes, but he's not capable of writing the right level of material.

00:33:54.000 One of the problems is a guy like Burr writes for his own mind.

00:33:58.000 He writes for his own thing.

00:33:59.000 I'm sure he could write for that guy, but he's not going to get the best stuff.

00:34:03.000 He's just not going to be the same.

00:34:04.000 Well, that's, yeah, I mean, I've never, I think we've all taken, like, a tag or a segue or something where a friend goes, dude, add this to your joke, and you feel like you already wrote it.

00:34:13.000 I mean, I had, like, a three-year fight with somebody in my 20s over who wrote a joke, and I thought he did, and he said I did in a car.

00:34:19.000 And I refused to do it until he convinced me that I came up with it, because I was so paranoid about doing a joke that I thought somebody else wrote.

00:34:26.000 But, yeah, I mean, and that's the thing, too, is that There's some material that's so fucking great, and I watch it, and I go, I don't know how to make that a show.

00:34:36.000 And maybe it's not even supposed to be a show.

00:34:39.000 But someone like Louis, I think...

00:34:41.000 I mean, I'll repeat his name, he's my favorite, but...

00:34:45.000 I could have never written Louie's show.

00:34:47.000 Louie had to write Louie's show.

00:34:48.000 Right.

00:34:49.000 But there's a lot of comedians where I watch some and I go, oh, I know what their show is.

00:34:53.000 Well, Louie had to figure that out, though.

00:34:54.000 Oh, absolutely.

00:34:55.000 When he did Lucky Louie, he did that show on HBO. Yeah.

00:34:57.000 I had a conversation with him after it was canceled at the improv, and the first thing he said is, I should have written it myself.

00:35:04.000 I would have fired everybody.

00:35:04.000 Yeah.

00:35:05.000 Yeah.

00:35:22.000 It kind of has to come through you.

00:35:23.000 Like, say if you were going to do a Netflix special and they said, look, Morgan, we think you're hilarious.

00:35:27.000 We'd love to do a Netflix special with you.

00:35:29.000 But what we'd like to do is assign a team of executive producers and writers.

00:35:34.000 And what they're going to do is they're going to change your look.

00:35:37.000 Okay, we're going to go with a goth theme. 0.84

00:35:39.000 We're going to put black lipstick on you and we're going to just, you know, they're going to come up with some fucking nutty thing that they decide to do and then change the way you deliver material. 0.91

00:35:49.000 It would be like, what are we doing here? 0.97

00:35:51.000 And I think that's kind of how Louis felt when he was doing his show.

00:35:54.000 There's all these other voices. 0.99

00:35:56.000 Maybe not as retarded as a goth vampire black lipstick. 1.00

00:36:01.000 I get so passionate about About making things... 0.97

00:36:08.000 Like, other people's things.

00:36:10.000 Like, I just get excited.

00:36:10.000 I see somebody on stage.

00:36:12.000 I'm like, I want to...

00:36:12.000 You know, like, my job right now is just to develop TV stuff.

00:36:15.000 And does it ever fucking happen?

00:36:16.000 But you still do stand-up, too? 0.97

00:36:18.000 You still work a lot with Stanhope?

00:36:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:36:20.000 We're going on tour for two weeks on Tuesday.

00:36:24.000 And then he continues. 0.99

00:36:25.000 And I have to come back for some writing shit. 0.99

00:36:28.000 But I get... 0.98

00:36:29.000 You know, as passionate as I get about stand-up, I get so fucking into the idea of, like, seeing somebody go up...

00:36:36.000 Seeing the show that they could have and also wanting them to love it because I'm like no no no I get you I'm not gonna write anything that you would say that you wouldn't do like you want to be as the writer on the other side of that as a person who is sometimes hired to Take a comedian and like get a show out of them.

00:36:57.000 Like I like to hope and think that Yeah.

00:37:17.000 Right.

00:37:17.000 You know, I'm so, I mean, maybe it goes back to, like, wanting to impress or wanting, you know, to be seen as legitimate, but I would never hand somebody something if I thought that it was remotely embarrassing or against their, you know.

00:37:30.000 Right, but that's just you.

00:37:31.000 A lot of people will.

00:37:32.000 Right.

00:37:33.000 But I mean, I find it to be an interesting sort of responsibility. 0.95

00:37:36.000 And like, when you're hired to sort of develop shows, there's all this shit they bring you like, hey, there's an article about this. 0.53

00:37:43.000 Do you want to write a show about this thing? 0.78

00:37:44.000 And I'm like, every time I say no, I want to write something for a comedian.

00:37:49.000 So that's like your specialty.

00:37:50.000 It's what you want to do.

00:37:51.000 It's what I want to do.

00:37:52.000 Just like watching someone from a comedian's perspective and going, oh, I can do something with that.

00:37:58.000 Yeah, and also like, I think that there's so many people you see where you go, they're not as successful as I think they should be.

00:38:06.000 And I think I know how to fix it.

00:38:12.000 Dude, you're a cleaner.

00:38:13.000 I'm a cleaner.

00:38:14.000 You're a cleaner.

00:38:15.000 You're the person they bring in.

00:38:19.000 That would be the wolf in Pulp Fiction.

00:38:24.000 You're the Harvey Keitel character who pulls up in a silver NSX and it takes notes.

00:38:28.000 Some A&E show where it's like, a woman's job is to clean. 1.00

00:38:31.000 And then it's coming in.

00:38:33.000 She's the cleaner. 1.00

00:38:34.000 You have waiters on. 1.00

00:38:36.000 Because you're always fucking stepping through blood. 0.99

00:38:38.000 It actually is mildly embarrassing to passionately talk about television and show business. 0.99

00:38:45.000 There's a little part of it that's like, who cares and why does it matter?

00:38:48.000 But I don't know.

00:38:50.000 Listen, I think anything that's interesting to you, you should talk about. 0.81

00:38:53.000 And people say, well, you're going to bore the fuck out of people. 0.97

00:38:56.000 You are. 0.99

00:38:57.000 You're going to bore the fuck out of some people. 0.93

00:38:59.000 But you're going to bore the fuck out of some people with things that I think are really interesting. 0.79

00:39:01.000 Sure. 0.99

00:39:03.000 Whatever, physics, nature, things that I think are fascinating, some people are going to think it's stupid. 0.77

00:39:09.000 Just you have to, whatever is interesting. 0.82

00:39:11.000 Stand-up's interesting to us.

00:39:12.000 It's always going to be.

00:39:13.000 I'm into anything that is passionately and intricately discussed, you know? 0.99

00:39:18.000 I'm into interesting shit. 0.99

00:39:20.000 I'm an enthusiast enthusiast. 0.99

00:39:24.000 That's good.

00:39:25.000 I don't know a lot about one thing, but I love anybody who does.

00:39:28.000 Yeah, I'm with you.

00:39:29.000 I'm 100% with you. 0.99

00:39:30.000 I like a lot of cool shit. 0.99

00:39:32.000 There's a lot of interesting shit out there. 1.00

00:39:33.000 There's so much. 0.99

00:39:34.000 Anybody who tells me they're bored, I'm like, listen, you're not bored.

00:39:39.000 You're inactive.

00:39:40.000 Yeah.

00:39:40.000 You just need to find things that you enjoy doing and then you will never be bored.

00:39:44.000 Yeah.

00:39:44.000 Just keep doing things you like doing.

00:39:46.000 It's just hard for people to get that initial momentum.

00:39:51.000 Just get moving.

00:39:53.000 Go forward.

00:39:54.000 Sure.

00:39:55.000 It's not boring.

00:39:57.000 This is not boring.

00:39:58.000 This is crazy.

00:39:59.000 You're a finite lifeform on a planet.

00:40:01.000 This whole thing's crazy.

00:40:02.000 It's chaos. 0.98

00:40:03.000 I got scared as fuck the other day. 0.96

00:40:04.000 I saw another article on Yellowstone. 0.97

00:40:06.000 They're saying it's a 10% chance that inside this hundred years there's going to be a supervolcano eruption.

00:40:12.000 So inside this, from 2000 to 2100, there's a 10% chance that everything dies.

00:40:21.000 The whole planet?

00:40:22.000 Everything on this continent, dead. 0.99

00:40:24.000 Everything else, all over the rest of the world, is going to be fucked, because there's not going to be any sun. 0.99

00:40:29.000 I gotta book some Glasgow dates. 0.97

00:40:31.000 That's the move.

00:40:32.000 I think South Africa.

00:40:34.000 Really?

00:40:34.000 Yeah, might be the new place to go.

00:40:35.000 New Zealand is a big one for people escaping the apocalypse.

00:40:40.000 New Zealand's awesome, I heard.

00:40:41.000 Yeah, a lot of Americans.

00:40:42.000 A lot of, you know, tech people.

00:40:45.000 Big money buying land in New Zealand now.

00:40:47.000 Really?

00:40:48.000 Yeah.

00:40:48.000 It's beautiful.

00:40:49.000 Yeah, I wanna go.

00:40:50.000 Yellowstone supervolcano hit by a swarm of more than 230 earthquakes in one week. 0.99

00:40:56.000 What in the fuck, people?! 0.99

00:40:58.000 How many wake-up calls do we need?

00:41:00.000 See, we're not gonna be even paying attention to this until the lava is shooting up into the atmosphere.

00:41:07.000 Do you know they didn't even know that it was a super volcano until like 50 years ago or something?

00:41:11.000 They didn't even know.

00:41:12.000 I like this podcast. 1.00

00:41:14.000 It's just talk about shit and learn how you'll die. 1.00

00:41:17.000 Not always. 1.00

00:41:18.000 Sometimes we learn about beautiful things.

00:41:20.000 I'm scared now, though.

00:41:21.000 Like five-finger toe shoes and boxing matches.

00:41:25.000 Those things like that are why I'm like, why would I quit smoking when I can just wait it out?

00:41:29.000 That's an interesting way to think.

00:41:31.000 Wait it out.

00:41:32.000 I see what you're saying. 1.00

00:41:33.000 But don't you feel like shit when you smoke a lot? 1.00

00:41:37.000 When I smoke a lot. 1.00

00:41:38.000 How often do you smoke?

00:41:39.000 What do you smoke a day?

00:41:40.000 Half a pack.

00:41:41.000 That's not that bad.

00:41:42.000 I mean, right now, but it gets up there.

00:41:44.000 When I have deadlines and stuff and I'm writing.

00:41:46.000 I tied it into writing, which is a bad move.

00:41:49.000 How does that work?

00:41:51.000 I've smoked Tony Hinchcliffe cigarettes.

00:41:53.000 Yeah.

00:41:53.000 I smoked a cigarette with him before a show once.

00:41:55.000 And I was like, dude, this gives you like a buzz.

00:41:57.000 And he goes, yeah, I can't imagine writing or doing stand-up without it.

00:42:01.000 I go, really?

00:42:02.000 I'm like, that's interesting.

00:42:03.000 Yeah, I've gone over to Hinch.

00:42:05.000 He's a guy I'll hang out with because, you know, similar lifestyle, I guess.

00:42:10.000 It's easy to like have a cigarette with him and talk about comedy.

00:42:13.000 You're both gay? 0.99

00:42:14.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:42:15.000 We're both presumed gay.

00:42:18.000 Pursuing to be gay? 0.87

00:42:19.000 Presuming to be. 0.96

00:42:20.000 But not.

00:42:21.000 That's hilarious.

00:42:22.000 But what is the thing about writing and cigarettes?

00:42:25.000 Like, what does it do?

00:42:25.000 And what does it do that, like, a cigar doesn't do?

00:42:28.000 I don't know. 0.78

00:42:28.000 It's, uh, it, it, it, there's, it ties into, uh, it's a, it's a, it feels good, and then there's momentum sort of involved, and then you get into a place where you're like, oh shit, I'm, you know, in one cigarette I wrote all those pages. 0.78

00:42:43.000 I don't, I, I, I don't know.

00:42:44.000 I mean, I really don't know chemically how the addiction part of it works, but I know I, uh, I'm a...

00:42:51.000 Victim of it.

00:42:52.000 Yeah, well the addiction part is pretty clearly documented in that movie with... 0.99

00:42:59.000 What the fuck's his name? 0.99

00:43:00.000 Inside man... 1.00

00:43:02.000 Guy from Gladiator?

00:43:04.000 Russell... 1.00

00:43:06.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:43:06.000 Yeah, The Insider. 1.00

00:43:07.000 Yeah, Inside Man's a different movie, right? 0.99

00:43:09.000 What the fuck's his name? 0.99

00:43:10.000 Australian dude. 1.00

00:43:11.000 Russell Crowe.

00:43:11.000 Thank you.

00:43:12.000 Russell Crowe.

00:43:13.000 Gladiator, dude.

00:43:13.000 That guy.

00:43:14.000 Yeah, I didn't see it.

00:43:15.000 I think I don't want to know.

00:43:16.000 I think I like saying...

00:43:17.000 He's a scientist in the movie.

00:43:19.000 Yeah, and they're trying to kill him because he's releasing all the information.

00:43:22.000 Apparently there's like hundreds and hundreds of different chemicals that the FDA has approved cigarette companies to add to cigarettes just to get them more addictive.

00:43:31.000 Yeah.

00:43:31.000 It's interesting, too, because I'll put out a cigarette and a glass of water or something, and then I get nervous if the water with tobacco and it touches my skin.

00:43:39.000 I have this paranoia, but I'll literally inhale every chemical deep into my lungs, into my veins, but I get nervous about touching tobacco-y water.

00:43:51.000 That's so weird, man.

00:43:54.000 What is it about, like, maybe, like, bringing it into your lungs, you're not saying it, so it doesn't freak you out as much?

00:44:00.000 There's a...

00:44:00.000 I never thought I could be in as much sort of denial about something as I am about smoking, but I enjoy it a lot right now.

00:44:08.000 And I also started late.

00:44:09.000 I started late.

00:44:10.000 How old were you?

00:44:11.000 I smoked real, real casually through my 20s, and then I started a job at, like, 29, 30. I'm 35. And that's when you started smoking?

00:44:21.000 That's when I started smoking during the day and writing and smoking.

00:44:25.000 Oh, before that you would smoke at night only?

00:44:27.000 Smoke at a party with a drink or something.

00:44:29.000 And when did you notice that it had crossed over into a part of you?

00:44:36.000 I think just a couple years into, I was writing on Two Broke Girls and I was smoking at every possible break.

00:44:45.000 And it just started to pick up where any opportunity to go outside and smoke, I took.

00:44:50.000 And then I couldn't stop.

00:44:52.000 Ew.

00:44:53.000 I hate to be that proselytizing health guy.

00:44:56.000 You ever try dip?

00:44:57.000 That'd be a good thing.

00:44:58.000 No, I want to try some stuff.

00:45:00.000 I just, you know, I want to try, like, I can't even, I'm not even allowed to, like, you know, I'm on a lot of, like, antidepressants and stuff, so they don't want me to take the medication that helps you stop or any of the gums instead.

00:45:11.000 It's all supposed to fuck up your brain chemicals.

00:45:14.000 Oh, really? 0.87

00:45:14.000 Yeah. 0.87

00:45:15.000 How weird.

00:45:15.000 You're on a lot of antidepressants?

00:45:17.000 I mean, I'm on a, you know, a happy hour cocktail. 0.99

00:45:19.000 I like to talk shit about people smoking cigarettes while I'm smoking weed. 0.97

00:45:24.000 I'm on a nice, you know, cocktail of... 0.99

00:45:29.000 Of stuff?

00:45:30.000 Stuff.

00:45:31.000 What is the stuff?

00:45:34.000 Right now, what am I, like an Effexor is kind of the main, you know, things are sort of dabbled in there.

00:45:41.000 It just depends on the time of year.

00:45:43.000 You get on different things, different time of year?

00:45:46.000 In almost 20 years of being on stuff, I've been switched around a few times.

00:45:54.000 Dude, 20 years?

00:45:55.000 You started in high school?

00:45:56.000 Yeah.

00:45:57.000 Henry Rollins got put on...

00:45:58.000 Saved my life in high school.

00:46:00.000 I'm sure.

00:46:01.000 100%.

00:46:02.000 Really?

00:46:02.000 Yeah, I mean, it was where the...

00:46:04.000 The turn...

00:46:05.000 I mean, I've had a couple of instances of, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be on it anymore, try to go off and realize I needed it, but, you know, high school was the biggest turnaround, 180. Just because of the stress of growing up?

00:46:15.000 I don't know.

00:46:16.000 I was just a mess, and then some doctor, you know, after a year of being a mess was like, try this.

00:46:22.000 So you were suicidal?

00:46:24.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:46:25.000 16, you know, moved around every year.

00:46:29.000 It was just a, you know, a chaotic...

00:46:32.000 That always fucks people up, but it always creates interesting people.

00:46:38.000 Everybody I know that's interesting had some sort of a weird childhood where they moved around a lot.

00:46:43.000 By the way, how annoying is it when someone starts making a point while they're holding the joint?

00:46:48.000 This is a very important point I'm gonna make, right?

00:46:51.000 Yeah.

00:46:51.000 You also know you're not getting that joint till the end of the point.

00:46:54.000 You have to sit there like fixated like a dog waiting for a treat.

00:46:58.000 You know?

00:47:00.000 But yeah, I moved...

00:47:01.000 I lived with my mom until I was like...

00:47:04.000 14, 15, and then I lived with her sister, and I lived with my dad's sister, and I lived with some family friends, and I lived with my dad for the first time when I was like 17, and I just bounced around LA, Connecticut, Oregon.

00:47:15.000 Jesus.

00:47:16.000 And I was just brutally depressed and couldn't, you know, I mean, obviously there were big environmental factors, but at the end of the day, it was more than therapy and stuff.

00:47:29.000 Dude, your life was the plot of the movie Twilight.

00:47:32.000 Never saw it.

00:47:33.000 Should I see it?

00:47:34.000 Oh, for sure.

00:47:35.000 It's a classic.

00:47:36.000 It is a classic now, right? 0.98

00:47:38.000 Twilight is a movie that was fucking massive! 0.98

00:47:44.000 Massive! 0.99

00:47:45.000 And now...

00:47:46.000 Never discussed.

00:47:48.000 Never discussed.

00:47:49.000 Not discussed at all. 0.99

00:47:51.000 People will talk about Star Wars to the end of fucking time. 0.85

00:47:55.000 No one's going to talk about Twilight in a couple of years. 0.99

00:47:57.000 No.

00:47:58.000 They're just not going to.

00:47:59.000 There might be like a 20-year reunion where all the girls who watched it when they were 13 go see it again.

00:48:04.000 Yes, sure. 0.87

00:48:04.000 But there's going to be a bunch of people like, what the fuck was wrong with us? 0.87

00:48:08.000 What did we do? 0.95

00:48:09.000 What happened as a culture? 0.99

00:48:11.000 What happened as a society where we decided that all of a sudden vampires allowed to go out in the day, werewolves have abs, they can change to a wolf whenever the fuck they want. 0.99

00:48:19.000 What are you doing? 0.98

00:48:21.000 Wasn't there a lot of vampire shows for a minute, too?

00:48:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:48:23.000 True Blood?

00:48:24.000 Yes!

00:48:25.000 Everybody went crazy on vampires.

00:48:27.000 Zombies are dead to me. 1.00

00:48:29.000 They're boring as fuck. 1.00

00:48:31.000 You try to put out a zombie movie now, nobody gives a shit. 1.00

00:48:34.000 Like, oh, I get it. 0.96

00:48:34.000 It's gonna walk slow, and you're gonna get away, and the people that you really like are gonna live. 0.96

00:48:39.000 Z. Boring.

00:48:42.000 Here's what the movie's about.

00:48:44.000 They're not zombies.

00:48:46.000 Are you excited now?

00:48:47.000 Yes.

00:48:47.000 Oh, good.

00:48:48.000 Yes.

00:48:48.000 No, no, no.

00:48:49.000 The movie is about a guy and his daughter becomes a zombie.

00:48:53.000 He loves his daughter, but she's a zombie. 0.99

00:48:55.000 Get it?

00:48:56.000 There's an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie like that.

00:48:58.000 Oh, that was always the saddest part of Walking Dead was when you realize someone had their daughter chained up in a room because he couldn't bring himself to put a spike through her head, so he just kept the zombie daughter.

00:49:12.000 Oof.

00:49:13.000 Oof. 0.98

00:49:16.000 You know what's fucked up? 0.96

00:49:17.000 That is not entirely impossible. 0.95

00:49:20.000 It's entirely impossible that the bodies would stay active, like, long after they're deteriorating.

00:49:25.000 I mean, that show's been going on for years.

00:49:27.000 These zombies have been alive eating nothing for years.

00:49:29.000 No digestive tract.

00:49:30.000 Somehow or another, their flesh stays on their bones.

00:49:32.000 Their tissue allows their body to keep moving.

00:49:34.000 It's ridiculous, right?

00:49:35.000 That they even have anything in their brain at all that allows them to keep moving.

00:49:39.000 But as far as, like, a disease that changes the host...

00:49:43.000 And makes the host supervise. 0.99

00:49:45.000 It's fucking rabies. 0.99

00:49:46.000 It's rabies on steroids. 1.00

00:49:47.000 Very possible.

00:49:48.000 Very possible. 0.95

00:49:49.000 With all the horrible things that happened to all these different animals in terms of parasites getting in their system and forcing them to commit suicide.

00:49:57.000 You ever seen that aquatic worm one?

00:49:59.000 It gets into a grasshopper and then talks the grasshopper into jumping into water and drowning so it could pop out of its body.

00:50:06.000 No.

00:50:06.000 It develops in its body and then like the alien in the movie Alien that bursts out of the chest literally rips out of the thing's body in the water and then that's how it gets born.

00:50:17.000 Like it gets into the grasshopper's body and then rewires the grasshopper's brain when it's time to hatch and convinces this fuck to jump into the water. 0.99

00:50:26.000 It's the beauty of childbirth. 1.00

00:50:29.000 Well, you can live.

00:50:30.000 You can make a bunch of kids.

00:50:31.000 Look at the Duggars.

00:50:32.000 Don't they have like 20?

00:50:34.000 There's not a single time they've been drowned.

00:50:36.000 But if you stop and think about that being real, like how weird is it, the idea of a person becoming a zombie?

00:50:44.000 That's not weird at all.

00:50:45.000 Are you becoming some super hyper-aggressive thing like a rabid dog?

00:50:50.000 That's not weird at all.

00:50:50.000 Look at this thing come out of its body.

00:50:52.000 I don't like it.

00:50:53.000 I'm not a fan of any.

00:50:55.000 This is horrific.

00:50:57.000 It's huge.

00:50:58.000 And the grasshopper is just gutted.

00:51:00.000 And this thing now is swimming around in the water.

00:51:02.000 And there's a ton of those.

00:51:04.000 There's a ton of those.

00:51:06.000 There's one that happens with ants and a wasp. 0.73

00:51:12.000 I forget who takes over who.

00:51:15.000 But there's...

00:51:17.000 God, find that one.

00:51:19.000 Ants...

00:51:20.000 I want to say that the ants take over the wasp.

00:51:25.000 Like a lot of them?

00:51:27.000 Something happens where they rewire its brain.

00:51:29.000 Is that a bot fly?

00:51:30.000 Oh, no.

00:51:31.000 A wolf worm.

00:51:32.000 A wolf worm coming out of a rabbit.

00:51:34.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:51:35.000 That was one of the things in that movie Rats.

00:51:38.000 Did you ever see that movie Rats?

00:51:39.000 No, but it looks like a...

00:51:41.000 Netflix documentary?

00:51:42.000 That thing's huge. 1.00

00:51:43.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:51:44.000 That's a wolf worm. 1.00

00:51:46.000 It looks like a grosser, like, Groundhog Day thing. 0.80

00:51:50.000 It looks like the first two digits of your pinky.

00:51:52.000 Like, it's literally that big, right?

00:51:54.000 It came out of a rabbit.

00:51:57.000 But that documentary on Netflix, Rats, was all about how many rats live in New York City and urban areas. 0.99

00:52:05.000 Fucking insane documentary. 0.98

00:52:07.000 I can't recommend it enough. 1.00

00:52:08.000 I always kind of knew there was a lot of rats in New York.

00:52:11.000 You always hear the numbers.

00:52:12.000 But when you see guys who are exterminators or people who work with rats and they go down in the basement, it's like there is an underbelly to New York City and a lot of other cities too, Los Angeles for sure, where...

00:52:24.000 Swarms of rodents are underneath the city.

00:52:27.000 Swarms!

00:52:28.000 More than there are people, probably.

00:52:31.000 Like, there's no way for them to count.

00:52:32.000 They do rough estimates.

00:52:34.000 They really have no idea.

00:52:36.000 But you see them everywhere. 0.88

00:52:37.000 They've got cameras that are dipped into probes, and they're smart as shit, but one of them had this bot fly, and they pulled this bot fly out of its body. 1.00

00:52:44.000 It's like if you were carrying a football in one of your tits. 0.99

00:52:47.000 Like, literally, they pulled this thing out of its body. 1.00

00:52:50.000 They pulled it out of its neck, actually. 0.99

00:52:52.000 It's fucking huge. 0.99

00:52:53.000 It's like as big as its neck almost. 0.99

00:52:55.000 Yeah, I'm not into... 1.00

00:52:56.000 I'm a real pussy when it comes to bugs. 1.00

00:53:00.000 You should be. 1.00

00:53:01.000 They're terrifying.

00:53:02.000 They're the worst.

00:53:02.000 I saw a spider in Arizona last week that was...

00:53:06.000 I mean, it was half my fist.

00:53:07.000 It had an exoshell.

00:53:10.000 It looked like it was wearing armor.

00:53:13.000 Horrific.

00:53:13.000 What kind was it?

00:53:14.000 I don't know.

00:53:15.000 Dead.

00:53:16.000 Now.

00:53:16.000 Did you swamp?

00:53:17.000 Yeah, I killed it. 1.00

00:53:18.000 Good for you. 0.99

00:53:19.000 Strong move.

00:53:19.000 I can't.

00:53:19.000 I couldn't.

00:53:20.000 Well, I'm not going to go to bed with a... 1.00

00:53:22.000 Without there living?

00:53:23.000 With a bug somewhere in my house. 1.00

00:53:26.000 Yeah, there's a lot of weird shit in Doug's area. 0.98

00:53:30.000 Oh, that's where I saw it, over Bisbee area. 0.99

00:53:34.000 He's right next to Mexico. 0.78

00:53:35.000 He's, like, knocking on Mexico's door. 0.98

00:53:37.000 You can run to Mexico. 0.52

00:53:38.000 Like, literally.

00:53:39.000 Yeah, none of those spiders had papers.

00:53:42.000 I asked.

00:53:46.000 Build that wall.

00:53:47.000 Build that wall. 1.00

00:53:49.000 Just let the Mexicans in. 1.00

00:53:51.000 Just everybody relax.

00:53:52.000 That's terrifying when you leave his area and you gotta pull over and stop and they ask you if you're an American citizen.

00:53:59.000 Yeah, that's weird.

00:54:00.000 And then you go, yes.

00:54:01.000 I know a dude who has a ranch and it's in South Texas and they find dead people on their ranch sometimes where people try to cross and they just die of dehydration.

00:54:13.000 Yeah, out in the desert. 1.00

00:54:18.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:54:18.000 That's a hard way to go. 1.00

00:54:20.000 And then these ranchers just find them.

00:54:22.000 You know? 1.00

00:54:24.000 Scary shit. 1.00

00:54:25.000 And you don't know who... 1.00

00:54:26.000 I mean, the other thing is, like, for him and his place, like, you don't know if this guy's gonna be a nice guy just trying to come over here and get a job, or if this guy's a drug runner and a murderer.

00:54:36.000 Like, you really don't know.

00:54:38.000 You just know there's a person in your ranch that's not supposed to be there, and they might not even speak English.

00:54:43.000 I'm like, ooh...

00:54:44.000 I'm trying to think of something I would die to get to.

00:54:47.000 I don't...

00:54:48.000 It seems to me to be...

00:54:49.000 I guess I'm here.

00:54:50.000 A lot of people get mad at me when I say this, but I'm going to say it anyway.

00:54:52.000 I think it's something that's going to go away.

00:54:55.000 The idea of countries and you can only go one place.

00:54:57.000 Like, if you're born on this patch of dirt, you can only stay on this patch of dirt.

00:55:00.000 It's an impediment to progress.

00:55:02.000 And it's an impediment to equality.

00:55:04.000 And I think that there's going to come a day where people are just going to be able to travel anywhere they want.

00:55:09.000 And we're not going to look at it like cities, and we're not going to look at it in terms of like, you know, if you live in Boston, you can move to Cleveland.

00:55:16.000 If you live in Cleveland, you can move to Miami.

00:55:18.000 You can move.

00:55:19.000 You can move wherever you want.

00:55:20.000 But as soon as you have a country, you can't move.

00:55:22.000 You have papers.

00:55:23.000 You got to get approved.

00:55:24.000 What kind of job do you have, Morgan? 0.99

00:55:26.000 Do you have a specific skill that would benefit America instead of the rest of our sloppy fucks? 1.00

00:55:33.000 Half of them don't do jack shit. 1.00

00:55:34.000 Are you better than the average person? 1.00

00:55:37.000 Why should we let you in?

00:55:37.000 We only want to let quality people in.

00:55:39.000 That's it.

00:55:40.000 I would never be able to prove myself in that moment as being worthy of getting into any country.

00:55:46.000 They have a term for it.

00:55:47.000 With a skill.

00:55:48.000 It's like exceptional skill.

00:55:49.000 Yeah.

00:55:49.000 A person of exceptional skill.

00:55:51.000 It just seems... 0.99

00:55:53.000 It seems fucked. 0.99

00:55:55.000 Like, I don't know. 0.99

00:55:57.000 Just...

00:55:58.000 It seems barbaric.

00:55:59.000 Like, it really does.

00:56:00.000 I mean, I know people are like, Oh, man! 0.99

00:56:02.000 It's fucking... 0.99

00:56:03.000 You gotta understand. 1.00

00:56:04.000 American sovereignty is very important. 0.99

00:56:06.000 The rest of the world is fucked up. 0.99

00:56:08.000 We've managed to figure out... 1.00

00:56:10.000 We got lucky. 0.98

00:56:11.000 We got lucky and we got shit out on the right patch of dirt. 0.98

00:56:14.000 Yeah, sure. 0.95

00:56:14.000 And we have resources that a lot of other countries don't have. 0.95

00:56:19.000 I don't know.

00:56:19.000 I love to travel internationally.

00:56:22.000 I love putting myself in places that are...

00:56:34.000 I enjoy making a vacation sort of a combination of pleasure and perspective as much as I can.

00:56:43.000 I'm going places that, you know...

00:56:48.000 I wonder if it holds, do you think that it holds back both sides?

00:56:52.000 Do you think it holds back Mexico, that the United States is so difficult to get into?

00:56:57.000 And there's always this despair of certain people trying to get into Mexico, trying to get into America and can't.

00:57:02.000 What I was going to get at is that I think that it's kind of similar in some way, and I might be off.

00:57:07.000 Well, it's similar in some way to making drugs illegal.

00:57:10.000 Like, you make drugs illegal, then you create this demand, this increased demand, and then it's outlawed.

00:57:16.000 So only people that are willing to break the law sell it.

00:57:19.000 And so this criminal enterprise attached to something that should be perfectly legal.

00:57:25.000 Right.

00:57:25.000 Like marijuana.

00:57:26.000 You're already breaking the law by coming here.

00:57:29.000 Right.

00:57:30.000 So are you a person who's going to break the law?

00:57:32.000 Right.

00:57:33.000 You're going to be a person who takes that, I think, and also profit off of it by being like one of those carriers.

00:57:38.000 Right.

00:57:38.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:57:39.000 I grew up in L.A. and I think I had a...

00:57:42.000 I didn't realize that it was illegal.

00:57:45.000 You know, as a kid, you don't know laws or rules or anything.

00:57:47.000 So I just assumed...

00:57:50.000 That Mexico and California, because I would, you know, most of the kids I went to school with were Mexican.

00:57:56.000 Like, I just assumed that it was like a place where people live in both places and you go back and forth a lot.

00:58:00.000 And, you know, the Mexican culture was so sort of, my whole backdrop of my childhood was painted with that.

00:58:08.000 So I just kind of assumed that you went where you wanted to.

00:58:11.000 Yeah.

00:58:11.000 And like that LA was mostly Mexican and that was fine.

00:58:16.000 Yeah.

00:58:16.000 Yeah, it should be fine, right?

00:58:18.000 And people are like, what are they going to come over here and take our jobs?

00:58:20.000 They're going to come over here and ruin our quality of life?

00:58:22.000 Or is it all going to even out?

00:58:24.000 Like, maybe it just evens out.

00:58:26.000 Isn't that possible?

00:58:28.000 Yeah, I also, you know, I mean, it's beyond cliche to say, but are people taking jobs that Americans are dying to do now?

00:58:38.000 Yeah, well...

00:58:40.000 See, and also, if they come over here, if they can just come over here, then you have to pay them the same rate.

00:58:44.000 It's like you have to pay them the same rate that everybody gets paid.

00:58:47.000 There's wage limits.

00:58:49.000 There's minimum wage. 0.98

00:58:50.000 Like, if you have them illegal, you can pay them whenever the fuck you want. 0.98

00:58:53.000 And they do. 0.99

00:58:54.000 That's like the big housekeeper dilemma. 0.99

00:58:56.000 How the fuck are housekeepers asking for a raise? 1.00

00:58:59.000 They're not asking for a raise. 1.00

00:59:00.000 They can't say shit. 1.00

00:59:01.000 Every time the word housekeeper comes out of my mouth, I get a little red. 1.00

00:59:06.000 A little embarrassed.

00:59:07.000 Because I have a housekeeper now.

00:59:08.000 I never had, you know.

00:59:08.000 Makes you feel bad?

00:59:10.000 It doesn't make me feel bad.

00:59:11.000 I absolutely couldn't love her more, and she's very much become kind of a pseudo-mother figure of mine in LA. I don't have family here, really.

00:59:22.000 But I also feel like that makes me sound like a pretentious white person who's taking care of a person of color.

00:59:31.000 It's not a comfortable subject for me to talk about, and yet I couldn't be more earnestly grateful and thankful, and I couldn't adore her more, and really she helps me function in life,

00:59:48.000 and yet...

00:59:50.000 The subject is...

00:59:51.000 I didn't grow up with that kind of stuff, so it's interesting.

00:59:55.000 It's embarrassing.

00:59:56.000 It's embarrassing.

00:59:57.000 Well, as long as you pay her well and you're nice to her, it's just a job.

01:00:01.000 As long as she enjoys doing the job and she gets paid well, it's just a job. 0.98

01:00:05.000 There's nothing wrong with being a garbage man. 0.95

01:00:07.000 There's nothing wrong with any job.

01:00:10.000 She's known me through apartments, so it's interesting when someone's just a part of your life and And seems to care about you more than you even think they should, if that makes sense.

01:00:23.000 Well, you're her boss. 0.99

01:00:24.000 I'm her boss, but she's the only person in my home, and I trust her, but she also seems to care about me in this way.

01:00:36.000 She wants me to have a kid.

01:00:38.000 It's all these things that I don't really talk to my mom.

01:00:41.000 I have this housekeeper who's like, you should have a baby, and then I'll take care of you. 1.00

01:00:45.000 She has a plan for my whole life.

01:00:46.000 I don't have it yet.

01:00:48.000 Well, listen to her.

01:00:48.000 It sounds like you've got some sort of a partner.

01:00:50.000 Yeah.

01:00:51.000 A life partner.

01:00:52.000 I do have a life partner.

01:00:53.000 You do.

01:00:54.000 You have a housekeeper as a life partner.

01:00:56.000 I don't know.

01:00:57.000 It's always a touchy subject because there's historically been people that have come from other places and they've immigrated into places and then they create neighborhoods and there are a certain class of people initially and then they move through society.

01:01:13.000 And, I mean, my people have experienced it, the Italians.

01:01:16.000 Like, when my grandfather came over here, there was all these, like, negative stereotypes for Italians.

01:01:21.000 And there's all these slurs.

01:01:24.000 Like, they used to call them, like, guinea-wop and all these different...

01:01:27.000 They were, like, hurtful.

01:01:28.000 Today, if you call someone a guinea, I would say I'm a guinea. 0.99

01:01:31.000 Nobody gives a shit. 0.99

01:01:32.000 Call Sebastian a guinea and be like, yep. 0.99

01:01:35.000 It doesn't bother anybody.

01:01:36.000 It's like they became a class of people that normalized.

01:01:41.000 They fit in with regular white people.

01:01:44.000 Yeah.

01:01:45.000 Italians were not considered white people.

01:01:47.000 The same way a lot of people from the Middle East that have the same skin tone aren't considered white people by some people today.

01:01:53.000 But if it became just a normal part, like Irish people, became you're an Irishman, Irish woman.

01:02:01.000 Yeah.

01:02:01.000 Irish woman.

01:02:02.000 If they could only become white people. 1.00

01:02:05.000 If they just figured out a way... 0.98

01:02:07.000 To get white. 0.96

01:02:08.000 To get whiter.

01:02:09.000 We should just...

01:02:10.000 There's got to be a way.

01:02:11.000 Just keep them indoors.

01:02:12.000 Move them to Oregon.

01:02:13.000 After a while, they'll evolve.

01:02:15.000 The lack of sun, they will evolve into being white people. 1.00

01:02:19.000 Yeah.

01:02:20.000 I don't know.

01:02:20.000 I just think, you know, anytime you restrict things that should be normal, like moving to a better spot, you can't move to a better spot.

01:02:30.000 Like, oh, I can't?

01:02:31.000 What if I buy a house in that spot?

01:02:33.000 Nope.

01:02:33.000 Can't move to that spot.

01:02:34.000 Well, I mean, it's sort of arbitrary.

01:02:36.000 Like, how do you...

01:02:39.000 I'm very fascinated by migration in general of towns where you're encouraged to stay.

01:02:44.000 That's always very interesting to me.

01:02:46.000 Don't leave, Morgan.

01:02:46.000 Don't leave, don't leave, don't leave.

01:02:48.000 What if you were told you can't stay?

01:02:51.000 You have to leave and you have to go populate this other area.

01:02:53.000 What's the difference?

01:02:55.000 We're choosing where people can live and we don't know what would be the best place for them. 0.99

01:03:02.000 We don't know if the best place for them is right next door to you, even if you don't want it.

01:03:05.000 I was watching a guy on TV. They were doing this interview with him.

01:03:09.000 He was a coffee farmer in Hawaii.

01:03:13.000 And he started out as a 15-year-old in America.

01:03:17.000 So he's been in America from the time he was 15. He was in his 40s now.

01:03:21.000 He has a family.

01:03:22.000 He's been in America for more than, I think...

01:03:26.000 I think they were saying like 30 years, okay? 0.99

01:03:29.000 So this guy, wife, family, worked his way up from being a worker at this coffee farm to owning the fucking coffee farm. 0.99

01:03:39.000 I think he owned it. 0.99

01:03:41.000 Sounds better if I say he owned it.

01:03:42.000 He might have been the manager.

01:03:43.000 He had a big job.

01:03:44.000 He was a big man at the coffee farm.

01:03:46.000 And they're kicking him out.

01:03:47.000 They're moving him to Mexico.

01:03:48.000 They're exporting him.

01:03:49.000 And he just got some stay.

01:03:52.000 Where they allowed him to stay a couple more months to appeal his case.

01:03:58.000 But I'm like, Jesus Christ, the guy did it.

01:04:00.000 He came over here.

01:04:02.000 He was 15. He's a part of America now.

01:04:05.000 He's 30-something years old or 40 years old, whatever the fuck he is. 1.00

01:04:09.000 He could have already served time for murder. 1.00

01:04:12.000 He could have done a full...

01:04:13.000 Yeah, he could have done a sentence already.

01:04:14.000 He's done his time positively.

01:04:16.000 He's actually doing well.

01:04:17.000 He's doing what you want.

01:04:18.000 He's being a productive member of society.

01:04:20.000 He's employing other people. 0.99

01:04:21.000 He's making coffee, which I'm not going to fucking grow coffee. 1.00

01:04:24.000 I need someone to grow that goddamn coffee. 1.00

01:04:27.000 That guy's doing a great job. 1.00

01:04:28.000 That's a fucking American. 1.00

01:04:30.000 To make a move? 1.00

01:04:31.000 It's crazy.

01:04:32.000 It's like, make you move to where you moved around a lot. 0.99

01:04:34.000 Where the fuck were you when you were 15? 0.98

01:04:35.000 I was in Connecticut. 1.00

01:04:38.000 Yeah, you're in Connecticut, and I'm in Massachusetts.

01:04:40.000 We have to move.

01:04:41.000 Imagine thugs come knocking on our door with combat boots on, holding guns, and saying, listen, Morgan, you gotta move.

01:04:48.000 You can't stay in California anymore.

01:04:49.000 There's too many people in California.

01:04:50.000 You gotta go back.

01:04:51.000 Back to the East Coast.

01:04:53.000 It's insane.

01:04:54.000 It's the same thing that they're doing to this guy.

01:04:55.000 It is.

01:04:55.000 It's insane.

01:04:56.000 I don't, I mean, I don't know.

01:04:58.000 I don't get it.

01:04:59.000 But I went on, when we did the End of the World podcast, you guys did that one.

01:05:03.000 I remember coming out at the end, hammered.

01:05:06.000 Hammered.

01:05:07.000 Hammered, as I say, hammered since, I had been hammered since Florida results came in.

01:05:12.000 Everything was already done.

01:05:14.000 And I show up, and it's a, you know, a murderer's row on stage.

01:05:19.000 And I get there and I have no, I have only feelings.

01:05:22.000 I have no, nothing in my brain is working to connect pieces or really be, you know, remotely sort of eloquent.

01:05:28.000 I just came out and I was like, this is bad for people and everyone's going to be racist and we, you know, people should be able to do what they want.

01:05:38.000 And then you and Sarah Tiana started making out.

01:05:41.000 Did we?

01:05:42.000 You don't remember that?

01:05:43.000 No, I didn't make out with anybody.

01:05:48.000 But Burr just hammered me.

01:05:50.000 I mean, he came back with, you know, basically, I felt there was like a lot of energy that I came in with the worst thing that's ever happened just happened.

01:05:58.000 That was my energy.

01:05:59.000 And I felt like there was a lot of...

01:06:02.000 You know, it might not be that bad energy that night.

01:06:07.000 Let me tell you what's really going on.

01:06:09.000 But this is what's really going on.

01:06:10.000 First of all, you got a bunch of comics in front of an audience.

01:06:14.000 That's the number one thing that's happening. 0.99

01:06:16.000 This fucking election is to us, to me and Burr and anybody else who's there. 1.00

01:06:21.000 It's like this is an opportunity to talk shit, okay? 1.00

01:06:23.000 And the fact that there's an election going on. 0.99

01:06:25.000 We'll deal with the consequences of Donald Trump being president later.

01:06:28.000 But right now we're here to make people laugh and have fun.

01:06:30.000 And Burr is on fire.

01:06:32.000 He was on fire!

01:06:35.000 He shines in those things like no one.

01:06:39.000 He was just one after the other, smashing it.

01:06:42.000 There's a video online you can get on YouTube that's like the best of Bill Burr at the End of the World podcast.

01:06:48.000 He's just slaying.

01:06:49.000 And it's glorious.

01:06:50.000 And I came in and I threw a cup of gasoline on the fire with my opinions.

01:06:54.000 I was like...

01:06:56.000 But it's not really an opinion.

01:06:57.000 You have to understand from the perspective of, I'm not saying you have to understand, but the people listening.

01:07:03.000 When we do something like that, there's a bunch of comics and there's an audience.

01:07:07.000 We're not always going to deal with what's going on.

01:07:10.000 We're not going to be somber and really be considering the fact that, okay, well now we don't have a president anymore. 0.96

01:07:15.000 We've just elected a buffoon to the biggest popularity contest in the world. 0.95

01:07:19.000 That's what we did. 0.98

01:07:20.000 Right. 0.99

01:07:20.000 A popular person won now, and now we're fucked, and he's an egomaniac, and now he's in charge of the nukes. 0.99

01:07:26.000 Oh, you can fire the FBI guy. 0.99

01:07:28.000 Look at that.

01:07:28.000 You just let a reality star just start firing the people that you need for critical intelligence, people that have been involved in the intelligence industry and the intelligence community for decade after decade after decade.

01:07:39.000 You let this reality star just start firing people.

01:07:42.000 It's nuts, but it was also the best place I could have ended up that night.

01:07:45.000 Like, I can't imagine having spent...

01:07:48.000 I mean, I think I went to bed at like...

01:07:51.000 She got together with Jen Kirkman.

01:07:52.000 7 a.m.

01:07:53.000 Wonderful time.

01:07:55.000 I looked at her Twitter and I was like, I just gotta stay away from that thing. 0.74

01:07:59.000 You guys are freaking me the fuck out. 0.75

01:08:01.000 Like, Jesus. 0.97

01:08:02.000 This is a bad system.

01:08:04.000 It's been a bad system since people figured out how to make phone calls. 1.00

01:08:08.000 As soon as people figured out how to make phone calls, you didn't have to get a guy on a fucking horse that carries your vote and your request for sovereignty in your personal state by a messenger that has to take it to some fucking representative, that has to take it to Congress on this fucking boat. 0.97

01:08:25.000 Like, you don't have to do that anymore. 0.95

01:08:26.000 So since we don't have to do this anymore, this idea of one person running the whole shebang through a representative of each individual state...

01:08:34.000 It's archaic.

01:08:35.000 Communication is too good now.

01:08:37.000 The bottleneck is the system.

01:08:39.000 The system needs to be redesigned.

01:08:41.000 It needs to be redesigned.

01:08:42.000 It's not impossible.

01:08:43.000 No one's saying we shouldn't have government.

01:08:44.000 I'm not an anti-government person.

01:08:48.000 It's like I'm not an anti-military person or an anti-police person.

01:08:51.000 I just think it all has to be managed and engineered the right way.

01:08:54.000 You can't have...

01:08:57.000 Just complete anarchy in this country.

01:08:59.000 But we have to have the will of the people.

01:09:01.000 And right now it's definitely not the will of the people.

01:09:03.000 This is just some weird system that someone's figured out a way to win.

01:09:07.000 And then once they're in the system, we're realizing all the flaws of the system.

01:09:10.000 People are quitting and getting fired.

01:09:11.000 You're like, well, this is not the most efficient way to run this thing.

01:09:14.000 Right, but there's no...

01:09:16.000 Within the system, there is no, here's how you change the system.

01:09:20.000 Like, that hasn't been established.

01:09:21.000 So then you have to do that in a way that doesn't, you know, make everybody implode.

01:09:26.000 But the system, the design of the system, and this is more than I've...

01:09:29.000 I've paid attention more to the political system in the last two years than I think I have in my entire life.

01:09:35.000 But there's all these checks and balances that are in place to sort of prevent someone who's...

01:09:42.000 An irreputable person getting into a position of power and then changing everything.

01:09:46.000 There's enough checks and balances to keep that in place.

01:09:49.000 And I think that's important and that's a beautiful thing.

01:09:52.000 And having all these representatives that represent both conservative and liberal attitudes kind of keeps things in balance to a certain extent.

01:10:01.000 But it's not the best way to do it.

01:10:02.000 No.

01:10:03.000 The best way to do it would be to get a guy like Elon Musk and say, hey man, the way you figured out how to put fucking tunnels under the earth where the cars go on sleds and that eliminates all the traffic in LA... And the way they figured out how to make a solar box that sits in a garage on the wall and it powers your whole house from the roof,

01:10:23.000 and the way they figured out how to make roof shingles that are actually solar powered, and the way they figured out how to make an electric car that can go 350 miles, tell us how to run this thing. 0.78

01:10:33.000 You're definitely smarter than me.

01:10:35.000 Yeah, I mean, but also, then, does he make the decisions that, like, because I always think about, like, when they change rules in Major League Sports, I always find it, like, interesting, like, that a group of people got together, and, like, now, what is it?

01:10:46.000 Overtime?

01:10:46.000 Football overtime's shortened now.

01:10:48.000 And they, like, like, I go, oh, now it's 10 minutes, now it's 5 minutes.

01:10:51.000 And we all just go, okay.

01:10:53.000 Like, who's the board?

01:10:55.000 Who's the person who gets to say, okay, now this is the way that the government works?

01:10:58.000 I mean, that's its own process.

01:11:00.000 Well, football's very different, obviously, because it's a game, and you're trying to make the game better and more exciting. 0.95

01:11:05.000 If they were just trying to fuck with people and make politics more exciting, maybe that would be more... 0.96

01:11:10.000 Maybe that would work. 0.99

01:11:12.000 How do we make this better?

01:11:14.000 How do we make people like this more?

01:11:16.000 How do we make people feel like they're involved?

01:11:18.000 How do we do this?

01:11:18.000 But again, changing the rules seems like...

01:11:24.000 I don't know how long something like that takes.

01:11:28.000 Is it over generations?

01:11:30.000 Is it tomorrow the rules are this?

01:11:32.000 I mean, how do you do that?

01:11:34.000 I think you make people park at the bottom of a hill.

01:11:39.000 And you put the voting booth at the very top of the hill.

01:11:43.000 And only the people that can actually, like, unless you're physically handicapped, then you get a pass.

01:11:50.000 Then we'll figure out another test for you. 0.99

01:11:52.000 But only the people that figure out to get their fucking lazy ass to the top of that hill, those are the only ones that get to vote. 0.99

01:11:59.000 Alright. 1.00

01:12:01.000 Fine by me.

01:12:02.000 But that's the thing.

01:12:03.000 You're going to have to tell somebody what the rules are, and then you're going to hope they say all right.

01:12:07.000 I'll probably say all right.

01:12:08.000 Mountain hikers are just going to run the world. 0.94

01:12:10.000 Alex Honnold is going to be our president.

01:12:12.000 That rock climber dude, he's going to be number one.

01:12:15.000 I just think that if we just come up with an alternative system that somebody designs, and we slowly implement it, like in stages, But every time someone doesn't like something, everyone is so aggressively angry now, and everyone is kind of on the precipice of snapping,

01:12:34.000 and I feel like any kind of suggested change to a lot of people is terrifying. 0.96

01:12:40.000 It is terrifying, and it should be, because if somebody fucks it up, and Putin's this whole thing, that could be a big goddamn disaster, too. 0.95

01:12:47.000 That's always possible. 0.97

01:12:48.000 This is as close as that's come.

01:12:50.000 This is as close as it's come to something where he's got a 33% approval rate or something like that.

01:12:56.000 Except the poll that he found says 50%.

01:12:58.000 Isn't that hilarious that you can put up a picture that says 50% of the people like me and then you'd be like, wow, he's really doing a great job.

01:13:08.000 Like, you're never going to see a president with a 100% approval rate.

01:13:12.000 It does not exist.

01:13:13.000 It's so tragic.

01:13:13.000 I mean, he is...

01:13:14.000 I can't think of a time my brain has been this consumed by a president.

01:13:19.000 Like, you know, positive or negative.

01:13:21.000 I mean, I liked Obama, but I never thought about him as much as I think about Trump.

01:13:26.000 Even if you have, like...

01:13:28.000 Things.

01:13:29.000 Like vitamins.

01:13:30.000 Vitamins would not have a 100% approval rate.

01:13:33.000 Right. 1.00

01:13:33.000 There's people that would like, fuck vitamins! 1.00

01:13:35.000 I don't even need them. 1.00

01:13:36.000 They suck! 1.00

01:13:38.000 And they would give it a... 1.00

01:13:39.000 Well, like actual Western medicine doesn't have a 100% approval.

01:13:43.000 There are people who go like, no, I don't want any treatment for my cancer.

01:13:46.000 I'm going to...

01:13:47.000 Well, that's because there's alternatives and there's some people that believe that you can do more work to cure or to halt cancer in its tracks by altering your diet and improving your immune system.

01:14:00.000 I don't know if they're right.

01:14:01.000 I believe that more than like, you know, the Lord will provide my medicine.

01:14:08.000 But I think more and more doctors are acutely aware of the factor that nutrition plays now.

01:14:12.000 I think they make changes to people, not just like give them drugs and give them, you know, anti-cancer medication, but there's doctors now more, increasingly more and more, that want you to, hey, you drink too much, stop drinking.

01:14:25.000 Are you smoking cigarettes?

01:14:26.000 We definitely got to get you to stop smoking cigarettes.

01:14:28.000 We got to get you to eat healthy.

01:14:29.000 Like, here's what's important.

01:14:30.000 I feel like you're directly talking to me right now.

01:14:36.000 I just think that you have to pay attention to doctors, too. 1.00

01:14:40.000 Like, these motherfuckers might have figured out a way to cure your cancer. 1.00

01:14:42.000 You gotta listen. 1.00

01:14:43.000 You can't listen to the holistic healer lady that has incense burning in her fucking house. 1.00

01:14:47.000 You can listen to both. 1.00

01:14:48.000 She smells of patchouli.

01:14:49.000 Maybe.

01:14:50.000 A little from column A. Gotta be careful. 1.00

01:14:52.000 Those patchouli smelling motherfuckers. 1.00

01:14:54.000 I just did some weird, I did a colonic at some, you know, hippie ranch type place. 1.00

01:15:00.000 Dude, you had a pipe up your ass? 1.00

01:15:02.000 I had a pipe up my ass. 1.00

01:15:03.000 What was that like? 1.00

01:15:04.000 It was oddly positive experience.

01:15:10.000 And I didn't think it would be.

01:15:14.000 I was in Bisbee around Doug's place and I, you know, took off for the day and got a colonic.

01:15:20.000 Wow.

01:15:21.000 Have you done that before or was it on a whim?

01:15:25.000 Semi on a whim.

01:15:26.000 It was like, yeah, I called to play.

01:15:28.000 I was looking for healthy things to do in the desert and that was one of them.

01:15:32.000 What percentage of people take colonics on a whim?

01:15:35.000 Like what percentage?

01:15:36.000 Is it even 10 where people just walk down the street like, you know what would be fun?

01:15:40.000 We should really, yeah.

01:15:41.000 I don't think there's a lot of colonics where they're advertised for foot traffic.

01:15:45.000 Like Santa Monica Boulevard.

01:15:47.000 Come on in. 1.00

01:15:48.000 We'll stick a pipe up your ass. 1.00

01:15:49.000 But I try, you know, it's that thing where I'm not like you. 0.99

01:15:52.000 I don't have a healthy lifestyle, so I find myself hitting walls and then reaching, kind of grasping for activities that seem healthy and enjoyable, which is why I've, like...

01:16:05.000 Oh, I'll go to boxing, surfing, I'll go play basketball.

01:16:09.000 But I don't do it as consistently as I ought to.

01:16:12.000 That's why it's always impressive to see you in peak form, constantly.

01:16:21.000 Do things you like doing.

01:16:22.000 I do.

01:16:23.000 I like sport.

01:16:24.000 I love sports.

01:16:25.000 Then do that.

01:16:25.000 That's a great way to stay healthy.

01:16:27.000 For me, I found out somewhere along the line, though, that for me to be better at certain sports, I have to do shit I don't want to do. 0.90

01:16:34.000 Like lift weights, run hills, stuff like that. 0.62

01:16:37.000 If you don't do those things, you don't have...

01:16:39.000 If you want to...

01:16:42.000 We want to make an analogy to machines.

01:16:44.000 Like, you have a weird opportunity with your body where, say if you're in a race, you can turn your body into a sports car.

01:16:53.000 Like you can literally turn your body into something that does something a regular car can't do.

01:16:57.000 It can move faster, could pick up more, it can explode, it can make corners better.

01:17:02.000 Like you can do that to your body.

01:17:04.000 You can give your body balance.

01:17:05.000 Like you take a yoga class.

01:17:07.000 Two days a week for four months.

01:17:09.000 Don't tell me your body's not better.

01:17:11.000 It's gonna move better.

01:17:12.000 Absolutely.

01:17:13.000 It's gonna be more balanced.

01:17:14.000 You're gonna be able to change the suspension on your car.

01:17:17.000 Literally.

01:17:18.000 By putting in the work. 0.98

01:17:19.000 But the work can suck a fat one sometimes. 0.97

01:17:21.000 It's hard, Joe. 0.98

01:17:22.000 Dude, I know.

01:17:23.000 It's so hard.

01:17:24.000 It ain't easy. 0.99

01:17:25.000 But you gotta get excited about doing hard shit. 0.88

01:17:29.000 I get excited about the prospect of getting in better shape after the age I am now than I was before. 0.98

01:17:37.000 Like, I get excited about being that person that I've seen happen.

01:17:41.000 I'm like, oh, I've seen people do that, get in better shape after 35. I guess I can do it.

01:17:46.000 The idea of doing it is thrilling, but I can't, you know, it's getting there.

01:17:51.000 But you don't want it bad enough, Rocky.

01:17:53.000 I know.

01:17:55.000 I know, I don't.

01:17:56.000 There is no tomorrow!

01:17:58.000 That's my favorite quote.

01:18:00.000 Yeah, you know what you gotta do?

01:18:02.000 What?

01:18:02.000 This is the big one for everybody, for everybody listening.

01:18:04.000 Write down shit you have to do. 0.99

01:18:07.000 I do it. 1.00

01:18:08.000 I write down things I need to work on.

01:18:10.000 Things I'm gonna do.

01:18:11.000 Like I wrote down my schedule for the week.

01:18:13.000 I wrote down like this week, I'm gonna lift weights three days a week, I'm gonna run two days a week, and I'm gonna do yoga two days a week.

01:18:19.000 Period.

01:18:20.000 Like there's no negotiation.

01:18:23.000 So I have to do those things.

01:18:24.000 So I'll do that for the week, and then I'll make sure I make those checks off. 0.98

01:18:28.000 There's a lot of times where I want to fuck off, but I know I have to make my schedule. 0.98

01:18:32.000 I have to get it in. 1.00

01:18:33.000 If I don't get it in, then I fucked up. 0.98

01:18:36.000 Like, I gave myself, like, a schedule. 0.98

01:18:38.000 But then I get things done.

01:18:40.000 And it doesn't seem any more stressful.

01:18:42.000 In fact, it seems less stressful.

01:18:45.000 Because I don't have to, like, hem and haw over whether I'm going to do something.

01:18:48.000 Like, I have it written down.

01:18:50.000 I have to do it.

01:18:50.000 And then I just go do it.

01:18:53.000 Sounds, I'll do that then.

01:18:55.000 You gotta just write it down and stick to the script.

01:18:56.000 Because as a comic, one of the best things about us is that we're impulsive.

01:19:02.000 And that we like to blow things off.

01:19:04.000 Sure.

01:19:04.000 And we like to question the validity of certain actions.

01:19:07.000 Like, why am I doing that? 1.00

01:19:09.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:19:10.000 How about I just jerk off and take a nap? 1.00

01:19:12.000 Or whatever you do. 0.97

01:19:13.000 You know, I mean, that's what we do.

01:19:15.000 Right.

01:19:15.000 People are impulsive and that's one of the reasons why you're funny.

01:19:19.000 Because you come up with a thought that maybe other people wouldn't entertain.

01:19:23.000 Yeah.

01:19:25.000 Once I'm in, once I've got some downhill motion, I can keep going.

01:19:31.000 Yeah, it's the momentum thing.

01:19:33.000 It's the initial start.

01:19:34.000 I used to go boxing every day for years, a few years.

01:19:39.000 That was when you were in New York, right?

01:19:40.000 No, I was out here.

01:19:41.000 I'd go to the Wild Card every day for three years.

01:19:43.000 Oh, that's right. 0.99

01:19:45.000 Morgan Murphy's a big fucking boxing fan. 0.99

01:19:47.000 You and I have had long conversations about boxing. 1.00

01:19:49.000 You know a lot of shit. 0.99

01:19:50.000 Yeah, I used to kind of know more. 1.00

01:19:52.000 I mean, I get embarrassed with sports stuff because I'm such a fan, but I'm not by any means a statistician.

01:19:58.000 I'm not a good rememberer of even names.

01:20:02.000 I just obsessively watch sports hours and hours and hours a day.

01:20:08.000 But isn't that funny, though, if you're talking about a television show?

01:20:10.000 Like, yeah, yeah, I saw that show.

01:20:13.000 Wait a minute.

01:20:14.000 It's a good show.

01:20:16.000 Who was the main character in Lost?

01:20:18.000 What was his name again?

01:20:20.000 There's no shame in that.

01:20:21.000 Right.

01:20:22.000 But a basketball game for the same time.

01:20:24.000 Who was in the finals?

01:20:25.000 Yeah, well, I can think of fights I've been to, and then I can't even think of...

01:20:29.000 I'm like, I know who won the fight.

01:20:30.000 I don't...

01:20:31.000 I don't even remember who they fought.

01:20:33.000 Did you see Kovalev Andre Ward this weekend?

01:20:34.000 I watched a little...

01:20:36.000 I listened to a lot about it, but I missed it.

01:20:39.000 That's the other thing, too, is I stay home and watch so much... 1.00

01:20:43.000 Shit. 1.00

01:20:44.000 I mean, you know, I love sports. 1.00

01:20:45.000 I find it to be the most soothing.

01:20:48.000 Like, if I'm at a job, you know, writing something all day, I look at the sports schedule that night and I get excited that, oh, I have a thing to do at eight, you know, after my work is done.

01:20:59.000 Like, I just, I wrap my days around it. 0.97

01:21:01.000 So I'm trying to go out and do more shit as opposed to being locked in. 0.99

01:21:05.000 Locked into a schedule that's determined by what boxing matches on. 0.99

01:21:11.000 And I used to stay home to watch everything, and I didn't for that one.

01:21:14.000 Yeah, I hear you.

01:21:17.000 You get, you know, it comes in waves, right?

01:21:20.000 But I listen to it a lot.

01:21:21.000 I mean, you know, I have opinions about it, having not seen it.

01:21:24.000 You still have opinions?

01:21:26.000 Like, uneducated ones?

01:21:27.000 Well, no, just from seeing what I did see.

01:21:31.000 I get mad about certain stoppages.

01:21:34.000 Do you talk with certainty?

01:21:34.000 Oh, really?

01:21:35.000 Did you see the Kovalev ward?

01:21:37.000 Yeah, and I thought it was an early stoppage.

01:21:39.000 It was definitely an early stoppage.

01:21:40.000 I don't think he'd do that when someone's on his way down.

01:21:42.000 Here's the question, though.

01:21:43.000 Did he have a standing eight count rule?

01:21:45.000 Like, I don't know if there's a standing eight count rule in that fight.

01:21:48.000 Like, see, if there was, find out if there was.

01:21:50.000 I feel like there was, because I feel like that's what should have happened.

01:21:53.000 If it happened.

01:21:54.000 But in some fights, I believe they don't have to have a standing eight count.

01:21:57.000 Correct me if I'm wrong.

01:21:58.000 I don't think that's the case in all fights.

01:22:00.000 And I think in some championship fights, they don't have a standing eight count.

01:22:03.000 And I think that's a speculation that they put.

01:22:08.000 Yeah, that I don't know.

01:22:09.000 It just seems like an obvious...

01:22:10.000 Stipulation.

01:22:11.000 Yeah.

01:22:11.000 I mean, the last fight...

01:22:14.000 I'm trying to think of...

01:22:15.000 Jamie will find out.

01:22:16.000 Jamie will find out.

01:22:18.000 I made, I made, I was in Arizona during the Canelo, the Chavez fight, and I made everybody watch it.

01:22:27.000 That wasn't a good one.

01:22:28.000 It was a bad one, and it was, the worst part about it was that everyone knew I was the reason the fight was on.

01:22:35.000 Oh no.

01:22:35.000 So everyone, it was like, I couldn't, every round I wanted to be exciting because I wanted people to not get mad at me for ruining their night.

01:22:44.000 But instead I was responsible for a boring night.

01:22:47.000 Well, I enjoyed it, even though it was boring.

01:22:52.000 I just wanted to see who was going to fight Golovkin, and that was my sort of, you know, my horse in the race was whoever was going to win was going to fight my favorite fighter.

01:23:02.000 But most people thought Canelo was going to win pretty handily.

01:23:06.000 Sure.

01:23:06.000 But the problem was that Chavez didn't really want to put himself out there.

01:23:09.000 But Chavez has never been a great...

01:23:12.000 He's never been...

01:23:13.000 I don't think his training's ever been amazing.

01:23:16.000 Right.

01:23:17.000 As disciplined as some.

01:23:19.000 Canelo is about that life.

01:23:21.000 Yeah.

01:23:22.000 Right?

01:23:22.000 I mean, he's trying to be the best ever.

01:23:24.000 Yeah.

01:23:24.000 He's trying to be the best guy.

01:23:25.000 It's hard to be.

01:23:25.000 I can't imagine being a rich kid boxer.

01:23:28.000 It just feels like...

01:23:29.000 Was he born a rich kid?

01:23:31.000 Well, I mean, Chavez Jr. Oh, I thought you meant Canelo.

01:23:34.000 Oh, no, no, no, no.

01:23:35.000 I was just saying that that just seems like a hard place to come from.

01:23:40.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:23:41.000 And his dad is the fucking greatest of all time. 0.98

01:23:44.000 Julio Cesar Chavez is arguably the greatest Mexican fighter of all time. 0.98

01:23:48.000 I mean, he's up there.

01:23:49.000 I saw Chavez Jr. fight at the Staples Center, and they brought his dad out first.

01:23:54.000 I was like, oh, it's just the poor shadow you've got to be in that your dad gets honored before your fight.

01:23:59.000 It's rough.

01:23:59.000 But you know what?

01:24:00.000 There's this guy, Krohn Gracie, and his dad is Hickson Gracie, who's the greatest jiu-jitsu guy of all time.

01:24:07.000 And the son is a world champion. 1.00

01:24:08.000 He's a fucking beast. 1.00

01:24:10.000 He's one of the best guys on the planet Earth. 1.00

01:24:13.000 Legitimately, 100%.

01:24:15.000 Self-motivated, not like, you know, it doesn't need to, it's not like the same sort of Chavez situation.

01:24:20.000 Right.

01:24:21.000 So it doesn't always happen that way.

01:24:23.000 But it seems like fighting in general.

01:24:25.000 But the hunger for fighting tends to come from a place of poverty.

01:24:28.000 Tends to, but again.

01:24:29.000 No, it doesn't have to.

01:24:30.000 No, no, no.

01:24:30.000 But I mean, even like, even in America, like, you know, what was his name?

01:24:35.000 It's like Rust Belt, dude.

01:24:37.000 Russ Belt?

01:24:38.000 Yeah, the guy, this American dude who...

01:24:41.000 I always forget who the Russ Belt is.

01:24:42.000 I can't remember his name.

01:24:44.000 Kelly Pavlik?

01:24:46.000 Was it Kelly?

01:24:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:47.000 Am I wrong?

01:24:48.000 White guy, shaved head.

01:24:49.000 Yeah, white guy, shaved head.

01:24:50.000 Had a moment. 1.00

01:24:51.000 Bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:24:52.000 Bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:24:53.000 He just ran into Bernard Hopkins. 1.00

01:24:55.000 Bernard Hopkins had him figured out.

01:24:57.000 Just tuned him up.

01:24:59.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:25:00.000 I wrote a blog article about that.

01:25:02.000 Really?

01:25:02.000 About that fight.

01:25:03.000 Because it was just a masterful performance by Hopkins.

01:25:06.000 Hopkins, I was actually coming home from a UFC fight overseas.

01:25:09.000 I was in Europe when I watched that fight. 0.99

01:25:12.000 And I was like, that motherfucker is so good. 0.99

01:25:15.000 I gotta get into UFC. He's so smart. 1.00

01:25:18.000 I've been watching.

01:25:18.000 I've been watching, but I don't know who I'm rooting for.

01:25:21.000 Oh, you root for people.

01:25:22.000 I don't know who's who.

01:25:26.000 I think why I just started even watching hockey is I played so many sports as a kid.

01:25:31.000 I can get into the sports I know about, but when I don't know anything about it, it's like working out.

01:25:36.000 It's like doing anything else.

01:25:37.000 I'm uncomfortable getting into something that I have such a huge blind spot about.

01:25:42.000 Right, I know what you mean.

01:25:43.000 I'm just like, how am I going to learn everything immediately?

01:25:46.000 I tried to get Ian Edwards to school me on soccer.

01:25:48.000 I didn't last.

01:25:49.000 I tried for a few weeks.

01:25:51.000 We even talked about doing a soccer companion.

01:25:53.000 He took me to a bar once and we were sitting there watching some game.

01:25:57.000 It was like some big time soccer game.

01:25:59.000 It was pretty good.

01:25:59.000 It was fun.

01:26:00.000 It's fun being next to Ian because he knows everything.

01:26:03.000 He knows as much about soccer as I know about MMA. He's just rattling off who this guy is and what this team's about and what their score is.

01:26:11.000 And he has a soccer podcast too.

01:26:13.000 That he does.

01:26:14.000 I forget who he does it with.

01:26:15.000 You remember who he does it with?

01:26:17.000 I love that dude.

01:26:18.000 I love him.

01:26:19.000 He's the best.

01:26:20.000 Such a nice guy.

01:26:21.000 He's the most underrated comic alive today.

01:26:23.000 He's so funny.

01:26:23.000 You know, I quoted a joke of his in the writer's room at Two Broker Rolls, and my boss was like, whose joke is that?

01:26:28.000 And I was like, Ian Edwards, and he hired him.

01:26:31.000 It's a great move. 0.96

01:26:33.000 But it was just like, oh yeah, Ian's got this joke and everyone was fucking dying.

01:26:37.000 I selfishly don't want anybody to ever hire him as a writer again. 0.88

01:26:40.000 I want him to just do stand-up.

01:26:41.000 I think that's what he's doing.

01:26:42.000 I mean, I think he just was a little short gig.

01:26:45.000 Yeah, no, he does them every now and then. 0.96

01:26:46.000 But I just feel like people don't know how fucking good he is. 0.94

01:26:50.000 He's so good. 0.97

01:26:51.000 And he's such a good guy.

01:26:53.000 Yeah.

01:26:54.000 Just one of the best guys ever.

01:26:57.000 True.

01:26:58.000 What do you think about this Conor McGregor-Floyd Mayweather fight?

01:27:00.000 I mean, it's a spectacle.

01:27:02.000 I guess I'm excited about it, but I feel like it's going to be another big notch in Mayweather's belt, and I don't think he needs another one.

01:27:10.000 I respect Floyd Mayweather as a boxer, but it's not the kind of boxing I get excited about watching, even though I know it's technically...

01:27:22.000 It's going to be a boxing match, for sure.

01:27:26.000 It's going to be an actual 12-round boxing match.

01:27:28.000 So we're going to get to see some sort of an athletic competition.

01:27:31.000 I just don't see how McGregor can...

01:27:36.000 Be better than the best boxers in the world who have tried. 0.72

01:27:41.000 Yeah, he won't be.

01:27:42.000 He won't be better than the best boxers in the world.

01:27:45.000 But what he might do...

01:27:46.000 First of all, he's definitely going to make it exciting. 0.99

01:27:48.000 The trash talk is going to be fucking epic. 0.99

01:27:52.000 It's going to be epic. 0.99

01:27:52.000 It's going to be a fun spectacle. 0.99

01:27:54.000 And he has legitimate, scary one-punch power, and he's way bigger.

01:28:00.000 So it's all about whether or not he can hit Mayweather.

01:28:03.000 What are they fighting at?

01:28:04.000 150-something?

01:28:05.000 I don't know.

01:28:05.000 That's a good question, too.

01:28:06.000 How much weight does he have to lose?

01:28:08.000 How much is Floyd gonna make him dehydrate himself? 0.99

01:28:11.000 Does he even give a fuck? 0.97

01:28:11.000 Does he even respect his skills enough to make him dehydrate himself like he did with Canelo? 0.97

01:28:17.000 Because he made Canelo cut a shitload of weight.

01:28:19.000 Sure.

01:28:19.000 I think he made him fight at 150, is that correct?

01:28:22.000 Find out what Floyd Mayweather made Canelo Alvarez fight, because Canelo's a big fella.

01:28:26.000 Yeah.

01:28:27.000 I've seen him in person. 0.99

01:28:28.000 Him getting on to 150 is a rough, rough suck. 0.96

01:28:32.000 I think that... 0.97

01:28:33.000 It's always scary when you look at these dudes and they just look emaciated before the fight.

01:28:37.000 It's terrifying.

01:28:37.000 Like Chavez.

01:28:38.000 I mean, you know, he's a tall guy.

01:28:40.000 One of the worst I ever saw was when Conor made it to 145. We fought Aldo.

01:28:45.000 I was like, Jesus Christ.

01:28:46.000 Like, he looks so gaunt and dried up at the weigh-ins.

01:28:50.000 And then the next day, he looks like a gorilla.

01:28:54.000 Canelo came in at 152, it says.

01:28:57.000 Okay.

01:28:57.000 And this fight is at 154. It is at 154?

01:29:00.000 That's what they're making it?

01:29:01.000 Interesting.

01:29:01.000 Okay, well, Connor's not going to have a hard time making a 154. Now this says Canelo weighed in at 168. No, that was his last fight with Chavez Jr. Chavez Jr., he fought above his weight class, actually.

01:29:12.000 Chavez Jr., I think he was fighting 175, wasn't he?

01:29:16.000 And he came down.

01:29:17.000 Maybe there was a normal weight for Chavez Jr. Oh, this was for the 30-day weigh-in when he fought Mayweather.

01:29:22.000 This Oh, so 30 days out?

01:29:25.000 Yeah, a month out.

01:29:26.000 He still weighed 166.8.

01:29:28.000 Yeah, well, they had stipulations in the contract like how big he could be at certain points, you know? 0.79

01:29:33.000 Just dirty.

01:29:34.000 They just wanted to dry him out.

01:29:35.000 I mean, I'm excited.

01:29:38.000 What's the whole car going on?

01:29:40.000 I mean, are they going to have all boxing under cars?

01:29:43.000 That's a good question.

01:29:45.000 It'd be fun to do a little mix and mash.

01:29:47.000 The only way this fight is going to be interesting, skill-wise, is if Conor figures out a way to maul him.

01:29:52.000 He's almost got to close the distance quick, get him up against the ropes, and just hit him with shots while he's holding him.

01:30:00.000 He's almost got to clip him...

01:30:03.000 In some sort of weird, awkward, like, Maidana-like exchange.

01:30:07.000 You ever see the fight with Maidana that Floyd had?

01:30:09.000 But Floyd got clipped by a big overhand right, I think it was, at the end of one of the rounds.

01:30:15.000 Like, very end of the round, his legs dipped like, whoa!

01:30:18.000 A little wobbly.

01:30:21.000 And it's just because he got mauled.

01:30:23.000 It wasn't because skill-wise he was commensurate.

01:30:26.000 And then when Floyd came back in the rematch, he just boxed his face off. 0.99

01:30:29.000 Just fucked him up. 0.95

01:30:31.000 Because he just wanted to let him know, like, look, dude, I barely took you serious in that first fight. 0.98

01:30:36.000 It got close, but it only got close because of this sloppy brawl.

01:30:39.000 And then he just put a skill clinic on him in the second fight.

01:30:42.000 Second fight wasn't even close.

01:30:44.000 I think that that's the only, but that's not how Connor normally fights.

01:30:48.000 He's not like a swarming, face-first brawler type dude.

01:30:51.000 He's a guy who's cautious about getting hit.

01:30:54.000 I'm thrilled about it, but I'm also, I wish I knew more about your side of the tracks.

01:31:02.000 Well, we don't know enough about Conor, because Conor has never had a professional boxing match.

01:31:07.000 You know, and the thing is, you see his striking, but you only see his striking when he's working on kicks and wrestling and all that other shit, too. 0.82

01:31:13.000 What if he just kicked him? 0.78

01:31:15.000 Like, would that, I mean, just to do it?

01:31:18.000 Just to let him know?

01:31:19.000 Just to do it. 0.99

01:31:20.000 It would be fucked up. 0.99

01:31:21.000 It'd be fucked up, but it would be hilarious. 0.99

01:31:24.000 There's probably some stipulations in the contract that say he can't get him in an arm bar. 0.99

01:31:29.000 Or choke him. 0.95

01:31:30.000 I think just kicking him in the head and knocking him out would be worth losing all the money and then getting more money after that. 1.00

01:31:35.000 Could you imagine? 1.00

01:31:36.000 He would be a goddamn folk hero. 0.99

01:31:38.000 If they got in close, if they got in close, and Floyd was like sucking and juking on the outside, and he threw a jab to cover up or a left high kick, and that left high kick necks him, just DANG! And you see Floyd go limp, and he would go limp. 0.99

01:31:52.000 He'd never been high kicked like that.

01:31:55.000 Jesus, that would be crazy.

01:31:58.000 Because if you didn't know it was coming, he could clip him with it.

01:32:01.000 Like if you had no idea.

01:32:02.000 If you hid a kick behind a punch, like a lot of fighters do, they like throw a punch literally to cover your face so the kick is behind it already and then BOOM! The kick comes like while your vision is already, you're thinking about the next punch and bang the kick lands and you get KO'd.

01:32:17.000 Happens all the time.

01:32:18.000 If he did that, that would be insane.

01:32:20.000 Would it be worth it?

01:32:22.000 It would, but it would fuck everything up.

01:32:25.000 Because no one would ever trust another fighter from MMA to ever fight a boxer in a boxing match again.

01:32:30.000 Because we've only had the opposite happen, really.

01:32:34.000 Could they, after this, could they do an MMA fight with the two of them?

01:32:39.000 No!

01:32:40.000 No?

01:32:41.000 I don't know!

01:32:42.000 Oh my god, it would last 30 seconds maximum.

01:32:45.000 Really?

01:32:45.000 That's if Conor wanted to give him an ear beating for 28 seconds.

01:32:49.000 Look, Conor's so much better as a wrestler, as a submission artist, as a kicker.

01:32:55.000 There's just no way. 1.00

01:32:56.000 He'll hit him with spinning elbows and shit. 0.99

01:32:59.000 There's things you can't do in a boxing match that you're not expecting. 1.00

01:33:03.000 And if someone just kicks your legs once, you're gonna be like, oh my god, what the fuck? 0.98

01:33:09.000 I'm just trying to think of a way to milk more money out of what's going on. 0.99

01:33:14.000 What's going to come in?

01:33:15.000 Hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars.

01:33:16.000 This is the only way.

01:33:18.000 This is a giant big difference though.

01:33:21.000 Floyd would have to learn how to fight MMA style.

01:33:24.000 He would have to learn how to stop takedowns.

01:33:27.000 He'd have to learn how to check leg kicks, and he'd have to learn how to defend submissions, and that will take years.

01:33:32.000 And he's not gonna do that at 40 years old.

01:33:33.000 I don't know what he knows now as far as wrestling defense and what he knows about kickboxing or jujitsu or anything else.

01:33:39.000 I don't know what he knows. 1.00

01:33:40.000 But if he knows nothing, he's 100% fucked. 1.00

01:33:43.000 100% bet the house on it, fucked. 1.00

01:33:47.000 Like, Conor might win a boxing match. 1.00

01:33:49.000 I mean, maybe there's like a...

01:33:51.000 A small percentage chance that he just runs in there and clips Floyd with a big shot and rocks him and then takes him out.

01:33:59.000 I don't know what that percentage is, but if you ask a boxing expert, there's like 4%, 5%, right?

01:34:04.000 That's what a boxing expert would say, which I'm not.

01:34:06.000 But I'm an MMA expert. 0.98

01:34:08.000 And if they fought in an MMA fight, it's 100% that Conor would fuck him up. 0.99

01:34:13.000 100%. 0.99

01:34:14.000 No ifs, no ands, no buts, no chance.

01:34:18.000 No chance.

01:34:19.000 Connor's gonna be farther away from Mayweather than anyone has ever hit him, and he's gonna be kicking him.

01:34:23.000 In the stomach, in the legs, and he'll soften him up, and the rounds are five minutes long, and eventually he gets a clinch. 0.99

01:34:29.000 And when he gets a clinch, Mayweather is fucked. 0.98

01:34:32.000 He's going to the ground, he's not gonna be able to stop it, he's gonna get mounted, and he's gonna get elbows force-fed into his eye socket, his nose, his mouth, his jaw, the sides of his head, his ears. 0.99

01:34:45.000 He's gonna get elbowed in the ear, He's going to get punches dropped down on him when he's totally pinned down and defenseless.

01:34:52.000 He's going to have a knee on one of his biceps while the guy's literally on top of him, pounding him in the face.

01:34:58.000 And he won't be able to get up.

01:34:59.000 He won't be able to stop the crucifix.

01:35:01.000 He won't be able to stop anything.

01:35:02.000 He'll be tied up and smashed on the ground until he decides to choke him.

01:35:06.000 So he'll be completely defenseless.

01:35:09.000 So in that sense, the odds would be insane.

01:35:13.000 If Mayweather decided in the next two months, because the fight's going to take place in August, if he decided in the next two months— Which, by the way, I feel like it's soon.

01:35:19.000 Am I wrong?

01:35:19.000 I feel like it's too soon.

01:35:21.000 It's very quick.

01:35:21.000 Maybe it's not too soon.

01:35:22.000 Maybe they've been negotiating for a long time.

01:35:24.000 But at least Conor knows something about boxing, or this could be a thing.

01:35:30.000 But if they just took it from now and said, two months from now you're going to have an MMA fight. 0.99

01:35:34.000 Holy shit! 0.98

01:35:35.000 The odds would be 100,000 to 1. Like if you ask any real MMA expert, they'd be like, how fucked is he? 1.00

01:35:42.000 Oh, he's 100% fucked. 1.00

01:35:44.000 100% fucked. 1.00

01:35:45.000 And boxing experts think that Mayweather is 100% fucked, but they'll give him a slight chance. 1.00

01:35:51.000 You never know. 0.99

01:35:52.000 It's crazy.

01:35:53.000 People are throwing punches.

01:35:53.000 You never know.

01:35:54.000 Because Mayweather can throw a punch for sure.

01:35:56.000 And Conor can throw a punch for sure.

01:35:58.000 Who knows what happens?

01:36:00.000 Who knows?

01:36:00.000 Most likely, though, Mayweather outboxes him.

01:36:02.000 But you could see Conor landing something.

01:36:04.000 It could be crazy.

01:36:06.000 He's just the hardest person to land.

01:36:07.000 It's not just that he's the greatest fighter.

01:36:08.000 He's the hardest person to land a punch against.

01:36:10.000 Ever.

01:36:11.000 Ever.

01:36:12.000 He's the best defensive boxer ever.

01:36:15.000 That's why it's boring.

01:36:17.000 I mean, it is.

01:36:18.000 By the way, I don't find it boring on a technical level.

01:36:21.000 I find it boring on a social...

01:36:23.000 I like the social element around a fight and the excitement.

01:36:27.000 It's a very good way to put it.

01:36:30.000 He's not the best...

01:36:32.000 You can't look at your pizza while you're eating it because you've got to keep your eye on the screen.

01:36:36.000 Like a Tyson fight.

01:36:38.000 Tyson was the best example of, in a lot of ways, what was wrong...

01:36:43.000 With people liking boxing because I just want to see someone get slaughtered, you know, and then Arturo Gotti and Mickey Ward is like the other side of it It's like neither guy can slaughter the other guy and they keep slaughtering each other and coming back Like that's that to me is always been my favorite kind of fight and torn personally because I know how dangerous it is for them,

01:37:04.000 right?

01:37:05.000 It's such a horrible Yeah.

01:37:06.000 Horrible experience for their body.

01:37:08.000 Just exchanging punch after punch after punch.

01:37:10.000 A guy named Tim Haig just died this past weekend and he was a former UFC fighter who lost in the UFC and then went over and was fighting a bunch of other organizations and he sustained a series of pretty brutal knockouts.

01:37:27.000 It was like a boxing thing though.

01:37:28.000 Wasn't it a boxing accident?

01:37:30.000 So he fought a bunch of MMA fights, had gotten knocked out many times, and then went in just two months after a big knockout that he just had in April, fought a boxing match.

01:37:41.000 So he had been knocked out in April.

01:37:44.000 I believe it was April.

01:37:45.000 I'm sorry if I'm wrong.

01:37:47.000 That's what I read.

01:37:48.000 And then he's fighting again in this boxing match, and he's outmatched.

01:37:51.000 He takes his fight on short notice against a really good boxer.

01:37:54.000 I think he has like a 1-3 boxing record or something.

01:37:58.000 It's not a good boxing record. 0.77

01:37:59.000 And this guy just fucked him up and bad and the KO was brutal. 0.93

01:38:04.000 He apparently got knocked down several times in the first round and he got hit with some big bombs and dropped and his head bounced off the ground and he died. 0.88

01:38:14.000 It is a very rare thing to for someone to die in boxing in the heavyweight division It's usually the guys who dehydrate themselves and then come into a fight like really light Those are the ones that usually die.

01:38:28.000 So this is pretty rare.

01:38:29.000 There was like a serious beating in a fight between That really badass Cuban guy Southpaw big Something Louise He's a top contender right now in boxing in the heavyweight division,

01:38:47.000 but he beat up this Russian cat and fucked him up and the guy wound up being in the hospital for quite a long time and I believe his career is over.

01:38:54.000 He had some swelling and bleeding on the brain, but he survived. 0.91

01:38:58.000 But Tim has unfortunately passed away. 1.00

01:39:01.000 Scary shit. 0.99

01:39:02.000 You know, so those fights, they come with, you know, there's a great consequence that we don't feel as spectators. 1.00

01:39:08.000 Although I think people feel it now more than ever.

01:39:10.000 For sure.

01:39:11.000 I mean, football, too.

01:39:12.000 I can't get over when you hear just a crack of a helmet.

01:39:18.000 There it is.

01:39:19.000 Why was a brain-damaged fighter allowed to leave Madison Square Garden on his own?

01:39:23.000 Yeah.

01:39:24.000 What is a homeboy's name there?

01:39:28.000 Magomed Abdusalamov.

01:39:32.000 Magomed Abdusalamov.

01:39:34.000 And he was fighting Mike Perez.

01:39:38.000 I think that's the fight.

01:39:40.000 So I got the guy wrong, too.

01:39:41.000 That's not the big Cuban heavyweight. 0.90

01:39:44.000 I think I fucked it up. 0.75

01:39:45.000 It's a different Cuban heavyweight. 0.74

01:39:47.000 By the way, have you been to the theater at the Garden there?

01:39:49.000 That's a great place to watch.

01:39:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:39:51.000 It's amazing.

01:39:52.000 I love it.

01:39:52.000 The theater is amazing.

01:39:53.000 Yeah.

01:39:54.000 I'm doing stand-up there.

01:39:56.000 I'm excited.

01:39:57.000 I'm excited.

01:39:59.000 There's a big UFC fight at Mass Square Garden.

01:40:01.000 What is that guy's...

01:40:03.000 No, Luis Gomez is a comedian.

01:40:06.000 There's a top Cuban heavyweight, something... 0.99

01:40:10.000 God damn it. 0.97

01:40:11.000 There's a lot of name overlap in boxing, too. 0.99

01:40:14.000 This guy was in a coma after this loss.

01:40:16.000 Yeah.

01:40:17.000 I think I got the wrong guy, though.

01:40:19.000 Like, that was the right fight, but I'm trying to figure out who the other guy is that I thought was this guy.

01:40:26.000 That's another guy. 0.99

01:40:27.000 God damn it. 0.99

01:40:27.000 He's one of the top guys, a really big dude. 0.99

01:40:30.000 Luis Ortiz?

01:40:30.000 Yes, Luis Ortiz.

01:40:32.000 Thank you.

01:40:33.000 I thought I was going crazy.

01:40:35.000 I never remember anything.

01:40:36.000 That's why people, I've talked to people where they're like, you should do a sports thing.

01:40:40.000 And I'm like, I'm not, again, like I reiterate, I'm a fan.

01:40:44.000 I'm such a fan, but I just don't have the knowledge to pull out of my little knowledge satchel.

01:40:51.000 If you did, would you be interested in doing an alternative boxing commentary?

01:40:56.000 I feel like this is going to be the future of interactive television.

01:41:00.000 You're not going to have just one commentator team.

01:41:02.000 Oh, you have who you want?

01:41:03.000 Yeah, you have who you want.

01:41:03.000 I would be the one who would be like, this is fun, everybody.

01:41:09.000 I'd be the one who'd be like, I think he's cuter, but I think the other guy is better.

01:41:15.000 Perfect.

01:41:15.000 So look, how about this?

01:41:17.000 How about maybe a guy sitting down with his girlfriend and she's like, I don't want to watch this fight unless we watch Morgan's commentary.

01:41:22.000 And the guy's like, deal.

01:41:23.000 Deal.

01:41:24.000 We got it.

01:41:24.000 Perfect.

01:41:25.000 I get to watch the fight.

01:41:26.000 You get to listen to Morgan. 0.99

01:41:27.000 That's a fucking good idea. 0.98

01:41:30.000 And that's not a hard setup. 0.99

01:41:31.000 I talk a lot about a cut, man.

01:41:33.000 I love a cut.

01:41:34.000 I love a cut, man.

01:41:35.000 I love a close-up of a wound over the eye.

01:41:39.000 Of an end swell.

01:41:41.000 Softening down.

01:41:42.000 It's fascinating.

01:41:43.000 There's something soothing about it.

01:41:46.000 Now when you were boxing, were you sparring?

01:41:48.000 Like a couple times, a little bit with like a friend.

01:41:51.000 Did you guys just tap each other or did you get a little crazy?

01:41:53.000 No, I'd go with my friend Amy and we would work out.

01:41:57.000 It was my workout.

01:41:58.000 I used it as a workout and then I became buddies with Freddie Roach.

01:42:02.000 I was working at Kimmel at the time.

01:42:06.000 This was 12 years ago or something like that.

01:42:10.000 And I would just work out and then occasionally do a little, like Freddie would have to do a little sparring, but it was very, you know, a couple points here and then done.

01:42:20.000 Like I was nervous.

01:42:22.000 I was nervous.

01:42:23.000 When I was a kid, I did a lot of karate.

01:42:25.000 I sparred as a kid.

01:42:26.000 I kicked some kid in the head at like a testing and I remember the instructor saying good job to me.

01:42:33.000 Whoa.

01:42:33.000 I just nailed some kid in the head when I was 12. The coolest thing about the wildcard was Pacquiao was training there every day pretty much and Freddie would let me stay when they closed the gym for Pacquiao.

01:42:50.000 He'd let me stay and watch him train.

01:42:52.000 That was awesome like 12 years ago to do that.

01:42:55.000 Did you ever see Brian Callen at the gym?

01:42:58.000 Yeah, I feel like if I didn't see him there, we talked about it, definitely.

01:43:03.000 Brian Callum boxes.

01:43:04.000 Yeah, I know.

01:43:04.000 All the time.

01:43:05.000 He spars.

01:43:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:43:06.000 He's always talking to me about his sparring.

01:43:07.000 I'm like, dude, stop sparring. 0.66

01:43:09.000 Your brain is already soft.

01:43:11.000 Like, what are you doing?

01:43:12.000 I get excited about it.

01:43:13.000 I fought a, it was more of a bit, but for Vice magazine, when it was just a magazine, we did a, I fought a heavyweight, a female heavyweight. 0.64

01:43:24.000 We did it in prom dresses.

01:43:25.000 What kind of a fight?

01:43:27.000 She wasn't allowed to really...

01:43:30.000 Hit you?

01:43:30.000 Yeah, she could get her belts taken away and stuff.

01:43:33.000 But I brought this dude from the wildcard as my corner man, and we both wore prom dresses.

01:43:39.000 So she was a real fighter?

01:43:40.000 Real fighter, heavyweight fighter.

01:43:42.000 And then at one point, I think I just jumped on her back.

01:43:44.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:43:45.000 And tried to, like, knock her down. 0.57

01:43:46.000 So she didn't try to hit you?

01:43:47.000 You know, the plan was for her to try, and my plan was for me to allow her to try, and then her manager was like, nah, she's not allowed to...

01:43:58.000 It's like, legally, she wasn't allowed to hurt me.

01:44:01.000 You don't want that.

01:44:02.000 I know, but I thought it'd be, you know...

01:44:04.000 Good, so you get knocked out?

01:44:05.000 Yeah, that'd be my fun little, you know...

01:44:09.000 I get embarrassed when I haven't done something that sounds crazy.

01:44:14.000 I would like to be able to say I got knocked out once.

01:44:17.000 Really?

01:44:17.000 Yeah.

01:44:19.000 Don't say that.

01:44:20.000 Someone will come and knock you out.

01:44:22.000 It's not good for you.

01:44:23.000 Here you are.

01:44:23.000 Oh, there's me.

01:44:24.000 She's picking you up.

01:44:25.000 Yeah.

01:44:26.000 Oh, she seems friendly.

01:44:27.000 Yeah.

01:44:29.000 Heavyweight.

01:44:34.000 So how come you stopped doing it?

01:44:35.000 How come you stopped boxing?

01:44:36.000 Good technique there.

01:44:38.000 I like how you're pushing off the back foot.

01:44:41.000 Freddie Roach used to call my right the cannon, and I felt real honored about that. 1.00

01:44:46.000 You and Brian Callens, you get together and narrate your own lives.

01:44:50.000 What's known as the cannon?

01:44:52.000 Yeah, I think I like...

01:44:54.000 I can't remember.

01:44:54.000 You know, honestly, I got like a little...

01:44:56.000 I got like depressed and stopped boxing and started going to this coffee place instead.

01:45:02.000 It's just... 1.00

01:45:02.000 That shit's boring. 1.00

01:45:03.000 I got like a little depressed. 1.00

01:45:05.000 Stopped going to the gym.

01:45:06.000 So the gym didn't help you with depression?

01:45:09.000 Like exercise didn't help you?

01:45:10.000 This one was like a big dip.

01:45:12.000 So it was a few months away from that kind of stuff.

01:45:14.000 And I just stopped going.

01:45:15.000 And then I didn't go back because it was so...

01:45:17.000 By that time...

01:45:18.000 I wanted to, but it was also that Jim became...

01:45:21.000 It's like Jeremy Piven's there every day.

01:45:24.000 It just became such a scene that it became not what I had started going there for, if that makes sense.

01:45:31.000 It does.

01:45:32.000 And I love it, and I should absolutely go back.

01:45:36.000 And frankly, I think Freddie Roach being as nice to me as he has been in my life is one of the stranger...

01:45:44.000 You know, kind of, oh, I don't know, he had no reason to sort of take me in, and he did.

01:45:50.000 I almost moved in next door to the wild card with Fred.

01:45:52.000 Like, it was like, you know, it was a dear friend for a long time.

01:45:55.000 Whoa, you were going to live with him?

01:45:56.000 We were going to live, I was going to live next to the gym almost for a second in the apartment attached to the gym, but...

01:46:01.000 Wow. 1.00

01:46:03.000 I was just in the middle of shit. 1.00

01:46:04.000 That would be a crazy place to live. 1.00

01:46:06.000 You hear the bells going off.

01:46:07.000 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

01:46:08.000 Yeah.

01:46:09.000 But he was great.

01:46:09.000 He took me to boxing writers' awards dinners and stuff.

01:46:12.000 I got to meet a lot of great people.

01:46:14.000 It was a cool time of my life, but I just sort of...

01:46:18.000 And then I moved to New York, and I think that was a big part of it, too.

01:46:21.000 Did you find out of Kovalev Ward if they had a standing eight count?

01:46:26.000 I found someone trying to describe the analysis and facts and said that it was a unified rules.

01:46:30.000 No standing eight count was in that.

01:46:32.000 Oh, I see.

01:46:32.000 That's it then.

01:46:33.000 It wasn't like an official source.

01:46:34.000 Well, if a guy quits and there's no standing eight count, you've got to think of it as a knockout.

01:46:38.000 It's like MMA. But if there's a standing eight count, they would have given it to him there.

01:46:41.000 Or what he should have done is probably take a knee.

01:46:44.000 Kovalev probably should have taken a knee.

01:46:46.000 And if he took a knee, then he would get a ten count.

01:46:49.000 Then it would be considered a knockdown.

01:46:50.000 Some low blows.

01:46:51.000 Yeah, big low blows.

01:46:52.000 Yeah, he definitely got hit low.

01:46:55.000 And then there was a couple of them that are questionable, like on the belt line.

01:46:58.000 Apparently they were saying Kovalev's belt was pretty high.

01:47:02.000 It's funny because there tends to somehow in boxing, something happens, be it a horrific judgment, which I think happens a lot, to...

01:47:15.000 Allow there to be another fight like it just seems to be like right something always fucking how that's why When I have a lot of people over to watch boxing like I hate I hate The parts of the sport that seemed like it's fixed because I can appreciate the fight as a whole,

01:47:33.000 even without an outcome, I think.

01:47:35.000 Do you think this is fixed?

01:47:36.000 No, no, not this.

01:47:37.000 But I just mean, in boxing, there always seems to be something happens that would make a rematch more attractive.

01:47:45.000 Right, but that's just the nature of competition on a big scale like that with crazy consequences.

01:47:50.000 Like the Klitschko-Anthony Joshua fight.

01:47:54.000 Like, that's the consequences of that fight. 0.99

01:47:56.000 Just fucking chaos. 1.00

01:47:57.000 Just guys getting knocked down, get back up, and knocking the other guy down, and holy shit! 0.99

01:48:02.000 Then a kind of a controversial ending, let me stop it! 0.97

01:48:04.000 He looked like he was defending himself!

01:48:05.000 But do you think there's more controversial endings in boxing than there are in MMA? I think people make split-second decisions when they're referees in the heat of the moment, and when you're gonna have that, you're gonna have mistakes.

01:48:16.000 It happens all the time.

01:48:17.000 It just feels like there's a lot of mistakes.

01:48:21.000 I do not think it's fixed.

01:48:22.000 Not by any stretch of the imagination.

01:48:24.000 I think, especially with respected fighters, I think people do have biases for certain styles, and there's certain referees that will let a fighter defend himself further than some will, especially in MMA. Sure, and judges are always sitting somewhere we're not,

01:48:40.000 but I always find it hard to explain to friends who come over who never watch that stuff, and I'm like, I love having people over and having, like I said, the social aspect of sports to me is really fun, but...

01:48:52.000 When friends come over and they constantly see results that they don't understand, they're done with the sport.

01:48:57.000 Whereas if you like it more, you can be like, ah, it happens.

01:49:01.000 The problem is you're a people pleaser and you're trying to get these people to like something that you like.

01:49:05.000 You should just let them think it's fixed.

01:49:07.000 I've had so many conversations with guys like, MMA's fixed, man.

01:49:10.000 Just admit it.

01:49:11.000 I don't want to talk to you.

01:49:13.000 This is a silly way of approaching this issue. 0.84

01:49:15.000 You don't know anything. 0.88

01:49:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:16.000 And you're trying to pretend like you know something, so that right from the beginning we're fucked. 1.00

01:49:20.000 Like, we can't have this conversation. 0.98

01:49:22.000 You're pretending that you've seen enough fights, you understand fighting enough, you've competed enough, you've been hit enough, you've seen people get hit.

01:49:28.000 You know enough to know when something's real and something's not.

01:49:31.000 You know.

01:49:32.000 You know.

01:49:32.000 Everybody else can't figure it out, but you figured out that a lot of the fights are fixed.

01:49:36.000 There's some fixed fights, for sure.

01:49:37.000 I mean, that's why I like...

01:49:38.000 I mean, obviously, the last five years, I've been obsessed with Golovkin, because he's just a knockout artist, and you can't...

01:49:45.000 That's not...

01:49:46.000 There's some proof to it.

01:49:47.000 I mean, maybe with MMA, too, it's like you can...

01:49:50.000 I would say that early stoppages in boxing are probably more...

01:49:56.000 No, they're very common.

01:49:57.000 They're very common in both sports.

01:49:59.000 It's just people making mistakes.

01:50:00.000 But my point is, there are going to be fixed fights.

01:50:03.000 There's going to be people that do things.

01:50:06.000 Just like there's referees in NBA, apparently they get busted trying to stretch games out and trying to call fouls on certain teams and they work for people that bet money and they try to shave points. 0.99

01:50:16.000 That shit's always going to exist.

01:50:18.000 There's always going to be someone who tries to talk to a referee and says, listen, buddy, I'm not saying that you should fix the fight. 1.00

01:50:24.000 I'm saying if you see somebody get hurt, stop that motherfucker. 1.00

01:50:27.000 Stop that fight. 1.00

01:50:27.000 Pull that trigger a little quick. 1.00

01:50:29.000 No one's going to be mad at you.

01:50:30.000 And there's that.

01:50:32.000 There's definitely that.

01:50:33.000 But how often does it happen?

01:50:35.000 I bet it happens pretty rarely.

01:50:36.000 I bet it's much more people making mistakes, much more people in the heat of the moment, much more just the nature of the chaos of combat sport competition. 0.99

01:50:45.000 Just wacky shit happens. 0.95

01:50:47.000 And people make big mistakes as referees. 0.99

01:50:50.000 Just like, you know, people like you and I make big mistakes talking on a podcast.

01:50:54.000 You're just talking off the top of your head, right?

01:50:56.000 Sure.

01:50:56.000 Make mistakes.

01:50:58.000 But with a referee, you're making a mistake for, like, this other guy's career.

01:51:01.000 Like, for Kovalev.

01:51:03.000 Like, to not recognize the low blows, to stop the fight, like, the way he did. 1.00

01:51:07.000 Kovalev fucked up. 1.00

01:51:08.000 He should have taken a knee. 1.00

01:51:09.000 Yeah.

01:51:09.000 Yeah, I mean, but that's the thing is that a lot of these things can lead to another fight.

01:51:15.000 Like, that's insane.

01:51:16.000 It's that without the controversy, there's less attraction.

01:51:19.000 Yeah, but no one's going to agree to it.

01:51:20.000 Look, Andre Ward is not going to agree to some sort of a predetermined outcome.

01:51:24.000 Kovalev is not going to agree to a predetermined outcome.

01:51:26.000 So those two principles, the most important parts of this equation, would never fucking ever agree to let the other person win. 0.91

01:51:32.000 There's not a chance in hell Kovalev is just going down from a nut shot. 0.67

01:51:36.000 Oh no, I don't think it's fixed.

01:51:38.000 I just think the controversy itself makes a rematch more attractive to viewers.

01:51:46.000 But the idea that somehow because it's fixed.

01:51:49.000 But a lot of people do.

01:51:50.000 Dude, boxing's so fixed.

01:51:51.000 That guy at the party just strolls over.

01:51:53.000 Everybody at my house.

01:51:54.000 I also seem to invite people over for the wrong fights.

01:51:57.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

01:51:57.000 Where you're like, oh, the last one was fucking great. 0.98

01:51:59.000 And then you have people over and it's like... 0.93

01:52:02.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:52:03.000 I'm embarrassed.

01:52:04.000 That's always how it is.

01:52:05.000 There's so many people that just, they just don't, they've never competed. 0.99

01:52:09.000 And so like, they just, and there's also people that want to call bullshit. 0.99

01:52:12.000 They want to be the first person to call bullshit. 0.99

01:52:14.000 So they like, they're a little itchy on the trigger, calling bullshit on things. 0.99

01:52:19.000 There's always going to be that, right? 1.00

01:52:22.000 Contrarians. 1.00

01:52:23.000 A lot of contrarians.

01:52:24.000 A lot of them.

01:52:24.000 A lot of smart people are contrarians too.

01:52:26.000 Oh, some of my smartest friends.

01:52:28.000 It's disappointing sometimes.

01:52:29.000 Some of my smartest friends are always wrong.

01:52:33.000 Well, it's like what led them to be smart and curious.

01:52:36.000 It's like this distrust of things.

01:52:39.000 But contrarian is also fun, right? 1.00

01:52:41.000 You see the tide going one way, like, fuck that tide. 0.99

01:52:43.000 A little sparring. 1.00

01:52:44.000 A little verbal sparring.

01:52:46.000 Keep it flowing.

01:52:49.000 Yeah, that's a big thing with comics, right?

01:52:53.000 I find that the guys I tend to be attracted to are contrarians.

01:53:03.000 It's a fight from the get-go.

01:53:06.000 Really?

01:53:06.000 That's what you like?

01:53:07.000 A little bit.

01:53:08.000 You like a little bit of a verbal sparring?

01:53:09.000 I like a little bit of a verbal sparring, yeah.

01:53:10.000 You like to see if they can hang.

01:53:12.000 Yeah, and I, you know, I, it's, you know, I'm, I'm my, uh, I'm, I'm totally driven entirely by being, like, you know, mentally stimulated, so it's just, then, then I'm, then I'm in, like, sexually, but if it's not fun, the banter's not fun, 0.98

01:53:28.000 then I'm, then I, you know, I'm no interest in fucking someone. 0.96

01:53:31.000 I hear ya. 0.94

01:53:33.000 That's, Not how I feel at all.

01:53:35.000 That's a difference between guys and girls, though.

01:53:37.000 It is very much so.

01:53:38.000 Especially with comics.

01:53:39.000 I've heard that many times.

01:53:40.000 Girl comics say they would never date a guy that wasn't funny. 0.99

01:53:43.000 But you never hear that from a dude.

01:53:45.000 No.

01:53:45.000 No, that is...

01:53:46.000 It's funny.

01:53:49.000 It's one of the things I talk about the most with a lot of my female comedian friends.

01:53:53.000 But it's just...

01:53:54.000 There's no part of me that would be sexually interested in somebody who wasn't...

01:53:59.000 If not funny, they'd have to be brutally smart on a level that I don't even understand. 0.99

01:54:08.000 Like some Stephen Hawking shit. 0.98

01:54:10.000 Yeah, like I'd have to just... 0.99

01:54:11.000 I don't know.

01:54:13.000 I'd like to...

01:54:14.000 This is going to sound wrong, but there's something fun and attractive about intellectually being put in your place.

01:54:24.000 Wow, that's weird.

01:54:26.000 Like you would like to be intellectually choked.

01:54:29.000 Yeah.

01:54:29.000 Yeah, a little bit.

01:54:31.000 A little bit.

01:54:32.000 I don't...

01:54:32.000 I don't know.

01:54:36.000 Maybe it's not the popular opinion, but... 0.99

01:54:38.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99

01:54:40.000 It's your opinion. 0.99

01:54:41.000 It doesn't have to be popular.

01:54:42.000 If you enjoy it.

01:54:43.000 It's also like, if somebody's...

01:54:47.000 It doesn't have to be my thing even.

01:54:48.000 If someone's great at their thing and I have no understanding of it, I find that to be attractive.

01:54:54.000 So it doesn't necessarily always have to be a comedian and someone who is brilliantly hilarious.

01:55:00.000 I've been attracted to guys who are just brilliant at a thing that I have zero comprehension on how you even get good at it, let alone great at it and something fun about it.

01:55:11.000 Yeah, I'm always fascinated by those people for sure, but I don't find them attractive.

01:55:19.000 Believe me, there are things I wish I was more attracted to.

01:55:22.000 I wish I was attracted to money and looks and all the things.

01:55:28.000 Do you?

01:55:29.000 Do you really, though?

01:55:30.000 Doesn't that seem unoriginal?

01:55:33.000 It seems like there'd be more options.

01:55:37.000 And then it would be easier, as opposed to waiting three years to find someone who just hits the right button and you're like, oh god, I'm in.

01:55:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:55:45.000 Well...

01:55:48.000 To be able to be tuned into someone in a mental way, like your minds are tuned into each other, where you can speak on the same terms, where you can both recognize the humor in things, you both have opinions on things,

01:56:04.000 you both enhance the conversations that you have, like you throw in something that makes me laugh, and I throw in something that makes you laugh.

01:56:12.000 It's always so much more fun.

01:56:14.000 It just is.

01:56:15.000 That's how it is with friends.

01:56:17.000 That's how it is with everybody.

01:56:18.000 That's like what I said about Burr, like having that podcast with Burr. 0.90

01:56:22.000 Just when me and Burr are alone and we're talking shit, or our text messages we have back and forth with each other, they're hilarious.

01:56:29.000 It's like to have a friend like that is a cherished thing. 1.00

01:56:32.000 To have someone that you could sit and then if you could fuck them too. 1.00

01:56:35.000 Oh shit. 1.00

01:56:37.000 Yeah, that'd be fun. 1.00

01:56:39.000 It rarely happens.

01:56:40.000 Christina Pazitsky and Tom Segura.

01:56:42.000 It's one of the rare ones.

01:56:44.000 One of the rare...

01:56:45.000 Two funny comedians that get together, and they both have a great time together.

01:56:51.000 Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Voss.

01:56:53.000 That's another one.

01:56:53.000 Those are the two running contenders for The Throne.

01:56:58.000 Those are the two contenders for The Throne, though.

01:57:00.000 As far as the funniest married couple, 100%.

01:57:03.000 I don't see anybody else.

01:57:05.000 That's like at that level?

01:57:06.000 Bonnie and Rich and Tom and Christina?

01:57:09.000 I don't see anybody else at that level.

01:57:11.000 I'm trying to think.

01:57:13.000 It's rare, but they're outliers.

01:57:15.000 Think about it.

01:57:15.000 Natasha Leggero?

01:57:17.000 Oh, that's right.

01:57:17.000 I'm sorry.

01:57:18.000 I fucked up Moshe and I fucked up Natasha. 0.88

01:57:22.000 Sorry. 0.97

01:57:22.000 They're both hilarious. 0.97

01:57:23.000 You're right. 0.99

01:57:24.000 I fucked up. 0.98

01:57:25.000 That's number three. 0.99

01:57:26.000 How did I not remember them?

01:57:28.000 But that's number three.

01:57:29.000 Those three people.

01:57:31.000 Other than that...

01:57:32.000 Who?

01:57:33.000 I don't know.

01:57:34.000 I mean...

01:57:35.000 That's three out of 300 million.

01:57:37.000 They're one out of 100 million.

01:57:38.000 Most of the smart, funny guys I know don't need that in a woman. 1.00

01:57:43.000 And that's, you know, it's not my place to judge.

01:57:46.000 Like, I wish...

01:57:47.000 There's part of me that goes like, you know, how could you date her? 1.00

01:57:51.000 She's a fucking idiot. 1.00

01:57:52.000 Whatever it is, it's not my job to judge who stimulates you. 1.00

01:57:56.000 But, you know, it would be easier if I had more options.

01:58:03.000 Do you think it would be cheesy if Moshe and Natasha went on stage with t-shirts that say one out of 100 million?

01:58:14.000 Because maybe that could be like their tour name.

01:58:16.000 Yeah.

01:58:16.000 Because they really are.

01:58:17.000 If they're a really legitimately hilarious couple, they're both hilarious, that's maybe one out of 100 million.

01:58:25.000 Yeah.

01:58:26.000 That's pretty legit, right?

01:58:28.000 I mean...

01:58:30.000 I'm trying.

01:58:30.000 Maybe there's somebody else that I forgot.

01:58:32.000 Have you dated comedians?

01:58:33.000 When I was like 21. Yeah.

01:58:35.000 And I was like, oh, they're crazy too. 0.89

01:58:37.000 Can't have this. 0.99

01:58:39.000 Can't have crazy people feeding off each other.

01:58:41.000 That just doesn't seem like a wise move.

01:58:44.000 No.

01:58:45.000 And also, it's too complicated.

01:58:47.000 I've seen what happens when guys date a comic and then they break up with each other and then she comes around with some new dude and the guy's all bummed out.

01:58:55.000 That happened with Ari and Natasha.

01:58:57.000 Yeah, I know.

01:58:58.000 Yeah.

01:58:59.000 It's disastrous.

01:59:00.000 It's crazy.

01:59:01.000 Yeah, don't do that.

01:59:02.000 No.

01:59:03.000 No.

01:59:04.000 Just be friends.

01:59:06.000 Unless...

01:59:07.000 Unless you gotta do what you gotta do.

01:59:09.000 You know, it could work. 0.68

01:59:10.000 The problem is that you're in the same scene as someone, so you gotta work through all of your shit around the person that hurt you, and that's, you know, that's the hardest. 0.58

01:59:20.000 But you might come out of it a better person. 0.79

01:59:22.000 You might come out of it more open-minded, more easygoing, more forgiving.

01:59:27.000 Just deal.

01:59:28.000 Just overcome.

01:59:29.000 You're so positive.

01:59:30.000 I try to be.

01:59:30.000 I try to be more.

01:59:32.000 I do my best.

01:59:33.000 I don't always succeed, but I do my best.

01:59:37.000 But again, it'll, you know, it'll work out.

01:59:41.000 It's all gonna work out. 1.00

01:59:42.000 Except for this fucking Yellowstone thing, goddammit! 1.00

01:59:45.000 We're done. 1.00

01:59:45.000 It's a lot of earthquakes. 1.00

01:59:49.000 Do you know, I'd like a guy who does that, who like, measures earthquakes and shit. 0.97

01:59:53.000 Seismologist? 0.97

01:59:53.000 Yeah, well, you know, but like, knows more about, like a, like a real cynical seismologist, who's like, we're done, we're cooked. 0.97

02:00:01.000 What if you really liked a guy, but then you found out he was into jazz?

02:00:05.000 Um, it's happened.

02:00:08.000 What's happened?

02:00:09.000 I mean, like, oh no.

02:00:10.000 And you come home to your apartment.

02:00:15.000 I had a guy, every time he called me, there was jazz on in the background.

02:00:19.000 No.

02:00:19.000 Every time.

02:00:20.000 No.

02:00:23.000 But he was a, you know, very serious actor.

02:00:29.000 You know, like self-serious.

02:00:30.000 Probably didn't even like the jazz.

02:00:32.000 He just wanted it on in the background.

02:00:33.000 Probably put it on in the background right before he called.

02:00:35.000 Yeah.

02:00:36.000 It's like, oh, someone's calling me.

02:00:38.000 It made me seem more sophisticated.

02:00:40.000 Brian Callen used to leave books out on his table that he wasn't really reading.

02:00:44.000 I called him out on it.

02:00:45.000 I came over to his house one time and he had the catcher in the rye or something like that.

02:00:49.000 Sitting right on his coffee table. 0.99

02:00:50.000 I'm like, bitch, you are not reading that. 1.00

02:00:52.000 He started laughing. 1.00

02:00:52.000 He goes, I'm not. 1.00

02:00:54.000 And I go, what the fuck do you have that here for, man? 0.99

02:00:56.000 He goes, to impress girls. 1.00

02:00:57.000 I go, I knew it.

02:00:58.000 I knew it.

02:00:59.000 It's just so obvious.

02:01:00.000 To impress girls who don't ask any questions. 0.99

02:01:03.000 Yeah.

02:01:04.000 Like he'd ever have to defend it or get into it or go, what's your opinion of it?

02:01:09.000 Why would you date a girl who asked questions? 1.00

02:01:11.000 That's just, Jesus Christ, that seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

02:01:15.000 If you date a girl and right away they come to questions.

02:01:18.000 So what books have you read recently?

02:01:20.000 Like, oh Jesus, this is not going to work.

02:01:29.000 Yeah.

02:01:29.000 We just hit a low.

02:01:31.000 Stop talking.

02:01:32.000 Yeah, what do we do now?

02:01:33.000 Just kind of rebuild momentum. 1.00

02:01:35.000 Talk about new shit. 0.99

02:01:35.000 I wish I was, like, a big, exciting lady. 0.99

02:01:39.000 You know, with a lot of...

02:01:41.000 With a lot of movement.

02:01:43.000 I think one of the best things you've ever done is that Carlos Mencia thing where you did his material.

02:01:48.000 Oh, yeah.

02:01:48.000 You said that you did it in 1920. What did you say?

02:01:51.000 Like 1912. I was trying to make it obvious that I was fucking with people, but it's not. 0.94

02:01:57.000 Every few months I check, I see what's going on over there, and every comment is like... 0.96

02:02:03.000 I don't care.

02:02:04.000 He does it better. 1.00

02:02:05.000 I'm just like, I was fucking with you. 1.00

02:02:07.000 Yeah, you dummy. 1.00

02:02:08.000 It says 1912. What the fuck? 1.00

02:02:10.000 It's pretty obvious, too, the way you're doing it, that it's a parody. 1.00

02:02:13.000 Yeah, I was reading off a cue card I made in five minutes.

02:02:16.000 I think there's certain people that are doomed.

02:02:18.000 They're just doomed.

02:02:19.000 You're never going to get to them, you know?

02:02:22.000 It's like there's certain fish that can breathe with their gills, and they also can breathe air.

02:02:28.000 They can suck air. 0.96

02:02:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:02:31.000 Not everybody has that ability.

02:02:33.000 Not everybody has the ability to recognize humor or satire or just to see it.

02:02:38.000 There's certain people that are... 0.97

02:02:40.000 I just think they have a dull battery for a brain.

02:02:43.000 It's more obvious and pronounced now more than ever because everyone's got a little bit of a voice on the old computer.

02:02:55.000 Well, more of a voice than ever.

02:02:57.000 Now we get to see not only It's not how they make their own jokes, but how they respond to yours.

02:03:03.000 And the combination of both is startling, frightening.

02:03:07.000 That and also, like, these people are illuminated now.

02:03:10.000 Or they might have been just in the shadows before.

02:03:13.000 Some weird neighborhoods. 0.99

02:03:14.000 And the good thing about it is that people that live in those weird neighborhoods, like kids, they get exposed to way more shit. 0.98

02:03:20.000 Like, there is such a difference between when you travel and you go on the road now and you go to a town. 0.98

02:03:28.000 Like in the middle of nowhere versus going to a town in the middle of nowhere in the 90s.

02:03:31.000 You go to town in the middle of nowhere in the 90s, you were in an outlier post.

02:03:35.000 Like you were in like some Mad Max type situation.

02:03:38.000 You're doing some Minnesota gig in the middle of nowhere. 0.99

02:03:41.000 Like these people aren't going to know shit. 0.99

02:03:45.000 About the real world. 0.98

02:03:46.000 I mean, they're going to be trapped out here.

02:03:48.000 The town's only got 5,000 people in there or something.

02:03:50.000 You're doing like a college out there.

02:03:51.000 Good luck.

02:03:53.000 Good luck.

02:03:54.000 But now, they might as well be living in San Francisco.

02:03:57.000 They all have the internet.

02:03:58.000 People just know things now.

02:04:00.000 They talk now. 0.98

02:04:01.000 It's funny, Doug, and he's right, but he'll shit on me a little bit about... 0.96

02:04:07.000 Like, we'll go somewhere and I'll go like, oh, it's funny. 0.95

02:04:09.000 He goes, that's not the road. 0.97

02:04:11.000 Like, he has a real, you know, I'd be like, guys who, I mean, like you do, like, who have really fucking done, put in the road work across the country, across the fucking world.

02:04:21.000 Like, I am admittedly not that person.

02:04:24.000 And the places that I think are sort of, you know, out there, middle of nowhere, like, he'll put me in my place so fast of like, this is nothing.

02:04:34.000 What's the darkest place you've been in terms of exposure to the light of enlightenment?

02:04:42.000 One gig I did with Henry Phillips once was in my 20s.

02:04:47.000 Chris Fairbanks and Henry Phillips and I went...

02:04:49.000 I don't have any crazy...

02:04:51.000 I don't do the drugs that would lead to better stories than the ones I have.

02:04:57.000 But I... You know, just like where you're just...

02:05:01.000 Sleeping on a twin bed with another comedian in a kid's room, because his parents own the pizza place that you drove up to perform at, and there's like a 14-year-old vomiting drunk outside the window. 0.99

02:05:12.000 That kind of shit where you're just... 0.99

02:05:14.000 And you're a grown-up, technically. 1.00

02:05:15.000 You're in your 20s, and you're just going, what am I... What am I here for?

02:05:19.000 $50 and a six-hour car ride and free pizza and a kid's twin bed and, like, people are having contests to see who can piss the highest outside? 0.98

02:05:29.000 Like, just that kind of shit where I'm just... 0.99

02:05:32.000 At one point, I started to hate it. 0.99

02:05:34.000 Now, I think the friends that I have who go out and occasionally take me or go with them, I have so much fun now doing stuff that I got tired of, I think, in my 20s.

02:05:47.000 So it's interesting.

02:05:48.000 I'm a little bit reinvigorated.

02:05:50.000 Well, you realize that those things can be fun once you become a real professional, first of all.

02:05:55.000 In the beginning, you're so looking forward to working at the comedy store or the improv or...

02:06:01.000 Headlining, seeing your name on the, oh, the billboard, look.

02:06:04.000 But once you've done that, then you realize there's actually fun in these places. 0.98

02:06:08.000 The problem is me freaking out about this two hours I have to spend in this shithole bar. 0.98

02:06:14.000 I should be enjoying the fuck out of it. 0.97

02:06:16.000 I should be coming in here with a relaxed attitude, having a good time, and experiencing this for what it is instead of experiencing like, oh my god, I'm so frustrated because I really want to climb my way up to being a professional Right. 0.99

02:06:27.000 But I'm stuck in this shit bar. 0.92

02:06:29.000 But then once you kind of are, then you realize, like, no, no, no, those are actually fun. 1.00

02:06:33.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:34.000 And the memories.

02:06:35.000 Now I just, like, my only thing with my booking guys, like, I just say, I'll go anywhere that I haven't been to yet.

02:06:40.000 Right.

02:06:40.000 You know?

02:06:41.000 I mean, name the place.

02:06:42.000 If I like it, I'll go.

02:06:43.000 And if I haven't been there, I'll go.

02:06:44.000 Like, I love the unknown of it.

02:06:46.000 But I'm definitely not a, you know, a veteran of the road.

02:06:52.000 The real issue is non-direct flights.

02:06:55.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:06:55.000 Any place where you go that doesn't have a direct flight, you might get fucked. 0.99

02:07:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:07:00.000 You could get fucked. 1.00

02:07:02.000 I mean, for this tour that Doug's doing, his tour manager's driving a car out from Arizona to the East Coast. 1.00

02:07:08.000 Oh, so they're just driving around?

02:07:09.000 And then I'll meet him out there.

02:07:11.000 Oh, that's smart.

02:07:12.000 And do a bunch of dates out there.

02:07:13.000 That's a good way to do it.

02:07:14.000 Yeah.

02:07:14.000 I know my manager brought up getting a bus, like doing a bus tour.

02:07:19.000 I'm like, hey, hey, hey, hey.

02:07:20.000 Doesn't Ron White have a bus?

02:07:22.000 Oh yeah, he's got like a number one tequila bus.

02:07:25.000 Yes, he does.

02:07:26.000 Yeah, but that's Ron.

02:07:27.000 You know, I have young kids.

02:07:29.000 Like, I'm not doing a bus.

02:07:30.000 Gaffigan gets a bus when he has his kids out on the road.

02:07:32.000 Good for him. 0.99

02:07:36.000 Also, I like doing too much other shit. 0.99

02:07:39.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:07:39.000 I don't like being... 0.98

02:07:40.000 If I'm just on the road for a month, that's not a healthy month.

02:07:44.000 Yeah.

02:07:44.000 I'm not into that.

02:07:46.000 I don't want any weird fucking momentum taking over my life. 0.97

02:07:50.000 Well, I feel that way. 0.97

02:07:52.000 I can't do it alone.

02:07:53.000 I don't want to.

02:07:55.000 It's so fun.

02:07:56.000 I have no interest in doing it alone.

02:07:57.000 And frankly, I can't...

02:07:59.000 I can't...

02:08:01.000 Afford to headline and bring people with me.

02:08:04.000 I'm not that kind of a draw.

02:08:06.000 So I would much rather go out with friends who can bring me, do a little less time, and have a good time with a bunch of friends.

02:08:13.000 It's not the front lines, brave way to go about stand-up comedy, but it's just like I have no interest in suffering on the road.

02:08:26.000 And why should you?

02:08:28.000 Why do you have to have that interest?

02:08:30.000 Well, no, I mean, I think there are certain people who are like, well, you're taking the easy way out, you're not headlining this week, you're going out, you're doing a nice 30-35 max, and it's like, yeah, well, that's what I'm doing this week.

02:08:44.000 So what?

02:08:46.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:08:47.000 Who gives a fuck? 0.99

02:08:48.000 Why is that a bad thing? 0.99

02:08:49.000 I know a lot of guys do that.

02:08:50.000 They do that all the time.

02:08:51.000 The headline, sometimes they go on the road in their middle. 1.00

02:08:53.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99

02:08:54.000 The things that people worry about and pick apart are just so goddamn pointless. 0.99

02:08:59.000 Plus, you get the opportunity to go out with stand-up. 0.80

02:09:02.000 Why would you not want to do that?

02:09:05.000 And I figured out a long time ago, like the road, there's two types of road.

02:09:09.000 There's a road by yourself, which can get real lonely.

02:09:11.000 It's depressing.

02:09:12.000 It can get very lonely.

02:09:13.000 Or there's a road with friends.

02:09:15.000 Yeah.

02:09:16.000 Where's a party.

02:09:16.000 It's amazing.

02:09:17.000 It's fucking great. 0.98

02:09:18.000 I remember looking at a window at like Springfield, Illinois. 0.99

02:09:22.000 I was like 19 or 20. Oof.

02:09:25.000 And I just looked out the parking lot window and I was like, I love stand-up and I love comedy, but I said, this is not...

02:09:33.000 For me, this will destroy me.

02:09:35.000 I did all of my gigs on the road by myself until I could afford to not do it anymore.

02:09:40.000 And then right around the end of the 90s, I started taking Chris McGuire on the road with me a lot.

02:09:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:09:48.000 Chris, a long time.

02:09:49.000 And it cost money.

02:09:51.000 You'd have to pay for the flight and pay for the hotel room, but I'm like, I would rather be out a few hundred bucks here and there and have a good time.

02:09:59.000 It made the experience infinitely better.

02:10:01.000 I went to do Phoenix recently, just for a night, to get some time in that I couldn't get in LA. So I went out there for the night to do a long set, and I said, I'm bringing my friend.

02:10:14.000 And I was like, who's your friend?

02:10:15.000 I go, her name's Chris.

02:10:16.000 And they were like, oh, where does she perform?

02:10:19.000 She's my best friend from college, she's really funny, and she does some stand-up.

02:10:22.000 I'm bringing her with me.

02:10:25.000 And she's more of a comedic actress who does some live performance stuff, and she did fucking great. 0.95

02:10:32.000 She had to do 10, 15 minutes. 0.85

02:10:33.000 She was perfect.

02:10:34.000 I'm like, I could have brought someone who's been doing comedy 12 years.

02:10:38.000 I was like, I wanted to go with my best friend.

02:10:40.000 Right.

02:10:41.000 That's what I wanted to do.

02:10:42.000 Wanted to have fun.

02:10:43.000 Yeah.

02:10:44.000 Yeah, it makes it way better.

02:10:45.000 You're in Minnesota, but you're home.

02:10:46.000 Yeah.

02:10:47.000 You're in Cleveland, but you're home.

02:10:49.000 Yeah, it's the best.

02:10:51.000 The best.

02:10:52.000 And the camaraderie between comedians, it's like such an unusual camaraderie.

02:10:56.000 It's very unusual.

02:10:58.000 Well, it's also...

02:11:00.000 I remember being on the...

02:11:03.000 Doug's a cranky traveler.

02:11:06.000 Is he?

02:11:06.000 Oh, yeah.

02:11:06.000 I mean, he'll tell you firsthand.

02:11:08.000 And we landed LAX, and then it was like...

02:11:11.000 We had to take a different airline, so we had to get on a shuttle to go somewhere.

02:11:15.000 Like a shuttle after the plane is like...

02:11:17.000 Right.

02:11:17.000 You know, when someone doesn't like surprises like that.

02:11:20.000 So it's on the shuttle, but it's just like constant jokes about...

02:11:24.000 Like, we're going to Auschwitz, but, like, loud Auschwitz jokes on, like, the, you know, American Airlines shuttle with, like, people around you.

02:11:32.000 And, like, I'm a little more sensitive to, like, I'll look around and go, like, oh, we're not liked here.

02:11:37.000 But there's nothing better than being around other people who, like, speak your language and you don't have to explain anything.

02:11:46.000 Ever.

02:11:47.000 Oh, yeah.

02:11:47.000 Yeah.

02:11:49.000 Yeah.

02:11:50.000 Yeah, that's one of the things that Doug said to me once.

02:11:53.000 It was hilarious.

02:11:53.000 He goes, I think I could quit comedy, but I could never quit comedians.

02:11:59.000 Oh. 1.00

02:12:00.000 That's like, uh, sensitive shit. 1.00

02:12:03.000 It is. 1.00

02:12:04.000 It's deep.

02:12:04.000 I was telling him, like, if everything goes wrong, he could clearly organize some sort of a village in Bisbee and all the comics move to him.

02:12:14.000 I'm considering...

02:12:14.000 What?

02:12:15.000 I have a Bisbee realtor.

02:12:18.000 What?

02:12:18.000 Yeah, I do.

02:12:19.000 You're thinking about buying a home?

02:12:20.000 I have to be in LA. My work is in LA. Doug doesn't have to be in LA. But I haven't found a place that offers me...

02:12:30.000 The way that place does it, I haven't found a place that offers me everything I don't realize I miss when I'm in LA. Like what?

02:12:37.000 What does it offer you?

02:12:38.000 The second I get there, it's a sense of calm, it's a sense of...

02:12:42.000 Reprioritizing your day around things that have nothing to do with show business and you know being around people who aren't in the business I mean most of my friends weirdly are not comedians like that I hang out with every day but I don't know I mean the other day like I was there and we had a little like pickup basketball game plan for like 9 a.m.

02:13:01.000 and like eight people showed up to watch me play this dude Kenny like it's just small-town kind of shit But with people who seem to have figured out why they're there, too, and I just really dig it.

02:13:13.000 I dig the whole vibe. 0.94

02:13:14.000 I dig the city, the town, or whatever.

02:13:18.000 I like the drive there, even.

02:13:20.000 How long is the drive from L.A.? No, I haven't driven from L.A. I'd fly into Tucson, drive like an hour and a half, but I always was obsessed with getting a place in Costa Rica or Nicaragua.

02:13:30.000 Anytime I go to another country, and I'm like, oh, this is it.

02:13:33.000 This is my spot.

02:13:34.000 Really?

02:13:35.000 Yeah.

02:13:36.000 Do you think that's because you're You traveled a lot when you were a kid?

02:13:38.000 I think so.

02:13:39.000 I think there's a part of me that has a little bit of a problem staying still because I never knew that kind of consistency.

02:13:47.000 But the thing I realized about Bisbee, which again is so like Doug's thing that it's almost funny, but it's...

02:13:56.000 I, I, I, I, it's all those feelings that I had in even in other countries where I was like, it's getting away, but it's close enough.

02:14:03.000 Right.

02:14:04.000 You know, it's just, but you still feel like you're on the outskirts and you feel like you go back in time a little bit there.

02:14:11.000 Hmm.

02:14:12.000 You know, and there's something refreshing about waking up and going, I'm gonna go get my coffee at the one coffee place.

02:14:16.000 I'm gonna go get my, this kind of food at the one place that has this kind of food.

02:14:20.000 You know, I'm gonna go get my fresh eggs from the lady who has fresh eggs and come from her chicken. 1.00

02:14:24.000 Like, it's just shit that I don't do here. 0.98

02:14:26.000 And I didn't even think I wanted to do until I got there. 0.99

02:14:29.000 Right.

02:14:31.000 I get it.

02:14:33.000 I like those places.

02:14:34.000 I love Boulder, which is much bigger than Bisbee, but still for the same reasons.

02:14:39.000 I think what we do specifically also, like you're in front of crowds all the time, I think there's a real benefit to being away from crowds.

02:14:47.000 Yeah.

02:14:47.000 And just smaller groups of people, it's more relaxed.

02:14:50.000 Yeah.

02:14:51.000 And it's also, you know, I think you go somewhere a certain number of times, you meet kind of the people that are there.

02:14:56.000 I mean, obviously I've met a lot of Doug's friends and stuff, and You know, once you're not bothered, you go from a place of like, ah, I wonder if anyone's going to annoy me.

02:15:05.000 No one annoys you.

02:15:05.000 Then you're like, I really like it here.

02:15:06.000 Then you're like, oh, I really love it here.

02:15:08.000 Then you're like, I think I could have a place here.

02:15:11.000 So you're thinking about legitimately picking up shop and moving to Bisbee and then keeping an apartment here. 0.96

02:15:17.000 And then when you're not working like in Hollywood shit, you live in Bisbee and you go on the road from there. 0.97

02:15:22.000 Yeah, not quite. 0.97

02:15:22.000 But I am thinking about having something consistent that like... 0.97

02:15:29.000 I will probably have to be here the majority of the time for the foreseeable future, but I'm curious about what it'd be like to have my own little spot that I could go to when I want to.

02:15:41.000 In doing it enough now, I realize you can go for a weekend and it feels like a good decompress. 0.99

02:15:46.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

02:15:47.000 You know, there's a cave for sale out there. 1.00

02:15:49.000 Yeah, I know.

02:15:49.000 He's trying to get...

02:15:50.000 Did you see?

02:15:51.000 He's trying to get...

02:15:52.000 So far, I feel like...

02:15:53.000 I don't know if you were interested, but I know me, Kreischer, Roseanne, Norm, and Doug.

02:15:59.000 Like, the people who have expressed interest in this cave of going in and getting it. 0.98

02:16:03.000 I was like, oh, I would live in that fucking insane asylum in a heartbeat. 1.00

02:16:08.000 Dope. 1.00

02:16:08.000 Yeah, it's amazing. 1.00

02:16:09.000 It's super dope.

02:16:10.000 You should get it.

02:16:11.000 Thought about it a couple times, I'm going to be honest with you.

02:16:14.000 You should.

02:16:15.000 Yeah.

02:16:15.000 I mean, I'm looking at like a, you know, a little craftsman one, two bedroom.

02:16:20.000 I mean, I want just a little place to go with my dog and stuff, but, you know, if you get the cave, I'll stay there and clean it for you.

02:16:25.000 The problem is, if you get the cave, everybody knows where you live.

02:16:27.000 That's true.

02:16:28.000 Yeah.

02:16:29.000 Get a keep out sign.

02:16:31.000 Oh, that's it.

02:16:32.000 That's all you need.

02:16:32.000 Keep out sign.

02:16:33.000 Yeah.

02:16:33.000 And some wild javelinas roaming around your yard.

02:16:35.000 You could hire a number of people there who would gladly stand in the front of your driveway with a gun.

02:16:40.000 Really?

02:16:41.000 Yeah.

02:16:41.000 Sweet.

02:16:42.000 Yeah.

02:16:42.000 How many guns?

02:16:43.000 Do they have backup guns?

02:16:44.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:16:47.000 Living in a cave would be the shit. 1.00

02:16:49.000 If you could live in a cave? 1.00

02:16:52.000 It's carved into the mountain.

02:16:53.000 There it is right there.

02:16:54.000 It feels right for you.

02:16:55.000 Young Jamie's got it.

02:16:56.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:16:56.000 But I'm saying that so far, and Doug thought ten people.

02:17:00.000 Doug, me, Roseanne, Bert.

02:17:03.000 You have to live with Bert.

02:17:04.000 No, I don't have to live with him.

02:17:05.000 I'm going to buy it.

02:17:06.000 Bert, look, you can come stay over, but you drink too much.

02:17:09.000 Can't live with you, bro.

02:17:11.000 Look at this thing. 1.00

02:17:12.000 This thing is the shit. 1.00

02:17:13.000 Yeah, you see the water. 1.00

02:17:14.000 I mean, all the outdoor stuff, too.

02:17:16.000 I want to live in this place.

02:17:17.000 The lake and the water.

02:17:18.000 I would write some awesome stuff in this house.

02:17:20.000 I always think that.

02:17:21.000 I write my best material.

02:17:21.000 That's what I keep thinking.

02:17:23.000 I keep trying to find the house that I think alright.

02:17:25.000 Don't jump up, though.

02:17:26.000 You hit your head.

02:17:27.000 You'll die. 1.00

02:17:28.000 No one will find you. 0.99

02:17:29.000 Look at that.

02:17:29.000 That's the bed.

02:17:30.000 The bed is carved into the ground.

02:17:31.000 No, that's like a...

02:17:32.000 Is that a fireplace in there?

02:17:35.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

02:17:35.000 He's got like a carpet and some pillows.

02:17:38.000 Is that a fireplace?

02:17:40.000 It's a yoga room.

02:17:41.000 A yoga room.

02:17:42.000 Oh, pretentious!

02:17:44.000 You have a room to do your yoga.

02:17:46.000 That's a little built-in studio type thing.

02:17:49.000 Oh, that's a real house.

02:17:50.000 Oh, you get a real house.

02:17:52.000 That's security. 0.99

02:17:52.000 And then you've got all this land and water and shit. 0.99

02:17:55.000 Look at that. 0.98

02:17:55.000 So the real house, you take some Rambo type character. 0.98

02:17:58.000 That's where I would work.

02:17:59.000 Right there.

02:18:00.000 Back it up.

02:18:01.000 Want to see where Morgan would work?

02:18:02.000 I'll work at that table.

02:18:04.000 Dude, would you have coffee?

02:18:05.000 And your wife be pouring you the coffee like Hunter S. Thompson, that classic picture of him at Big Sur.

02:18:09.000 God, I need a wife. 1.00

02:18:12.000 You already have one. 1.00

02:18:13.000 I'm tired of shit. 1.00

02:18:14.000 That lady who's trying to get you to have a kid. 1.00

02:18:16.000 Oh, my housekeeper?

02:18:17.000 Yeah, she's your life partner.

02:18:19.000 She really is. 0.99

02:18:20.000 That's a fucking amazing view. 1.00

02:18:21.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:18:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:22.000 I might have to buy that cave. 1.00

02:18:24.000 Keep going.

02:18:26.000 It's like if we were gonna move to a new spot, this would be a spot to move to.

02:18:31.000 God, that's beautiful.

02:18:32.000 I would get in bikini shape for that little lagoon.

02:18:36.000 You have to give me six months before you buy it.

02:18:39.000 You could get resident tags.

02:18:41.000 Yeah.

02:18:42.000 For animals.

02:18:43.000 Yeah.

02:18:44.000 Go hunt animals in the mountains around there.

02:18:46.000 Oh, don't shoot my dog.

02:18:47.000 No, not your dog.

02:18:48.000 I have dogs too.

02:18:49.000 Jesus.

02:18:50.000 God.

02:18:51.000 I'm a dog lover.

02:18:52.000 I know.

02:18:52.000 But I feel like you've also got a trigger finger.

02:18:55.000 Got an itchy trigger finger.

02:18:56.000 You think so?

02:18:56.000 Yeah.

02:18:57.000 I think you have the wrong impression of me.

02:18:58.000 I think you think I'm more volatile than I am.

02:19:02.000 How many people live in Bisbee?

02:19:04.000 I don't know.

02:19:05.000 What is it?

02:19:06.000 Thousands?

02:19:07.000 5,000?

02:19:08.000 I don't know. 0.99

02:19:09.000 I have no fucking idea. 0.97

02:19:11.000 The elevation's really high, though. 0.99

02:19:12.000 Playing basketball was hard.

02:19:13.000 Like, what's the elevation?

02:19:14.000 It's like a mile high.

02:19:15.000 It's crazy.

02:19:16.000 Really?

02:19:16.000 Yeah.

02:19:17.000 I was deep.

02:19:20.000 I would say two baskets in.

02:19:23.000 5,000 feet?

02:19:23.000 I was leaning over real hard.

02:19:27.000 I could barely play.

02:19:28.000 The city was...

02:19:29.000 Wow.

02:19:32.000 Population is 5,000 too.

02:19:34.000 Elevation is 5,000.

02:19:35.000 Population is 5,000.

02:19:37.000 5,500 on both.

02:19:38.000 It's perfect.

02:19:39.000 Yeah, I got a little... 0.98

02:19:40.000 This last time I was there, I got a two-bedroom Airbnb, little house, hot tub, all that shit. 0.72

02:19:44.000 85 bucks a night, two-bedroom house. 0.94

02:19:46.000 Dude, that's a good deal.

02:19:49.000 Is there a gym there?

02:19:51.000 Yeah, you know what?

02:19:51.000 You got to ask Doug because his buddy, his husband, he just joined a gym that's like a minute away, like that's right there.

02:19:58.000 Then they talk about that.

02:19:59.000 In Tucson, you said an hour and a half drive?

02:20:01.000 Hour and a half drive.

02:20:02.000 That's not that bad if you need to really do something.

02:20:04.000 It's not bad at all.

02:20:04.000 It's like going to Santa Barbara.

02:20:06.000 That's what I said to like everyone I work with.

02:20:08.000 I was like, I'm going to leave.

02:20:09.000 I can be back in three hours. 0.95

02:20:10.000 Basically, I just said, let me know if I need to come back for any kind of emergency shit and I'll be back. 0.92

02:20:15.000 But... 0.97

02:20:16.000 Easy to go.

02:20:17.000 In the mountains.

02:20:18.000 Does it get cold there at all?

02:20:20.000 I think it gets cold at night sometimes, but you gotta say, the weather's amazing in that, like I've talked to, my dad called me, he's like, I hear it's real hot there, and I'm like, it's so breezy constantly in Bisbee.

02:20:31.000 It gets really hot, but not as hot as it does in other areas because of the elevation. 0.91

02:20:35.000 Yeah, 5,500 feet is fucking high, I would imagine. 0.51

02:20:42.000 You gonna do it? 0.97

02:20:42.000 K-pass? 0.97

02:20:43.000 What's the economy there?

02:20:44.000 Like, what do people do?

02:20:45.000 Nothing.

02:20:46.000 Why are they there?

02:20:47.000 I don't know.

02:20:48.000 They're just piled up?

02:20:49.000 I don't know why anybody else is there.

02:20:50.000 I mean, I know why I go.

02:20:52.000 How many people have moved there because of Doug?

02:20:54.000 I think...

02:20:55.000 A couple hundred?

02:20:55.000 I think more than people would think, yeah.

02:20:58.000 It seems like there's quite a few folks who...

02:21:00.000 Hundreds?

02:21:01.000 No, I don't think so.

02:21:03.000 No, that I don't think so.

02:21:04.000 I mean, it's almost, like I remember talking to Doug about liking it, and I almost felt like I had to ask him, like, hey, I think I'm going to come out.

02:21:13.000 Like, is that okay? 0.99

02:21:14.000 I know it's your fucking town. 1.00

02:21:16.000 Like, it's, you want to be the one who finds it. 1.00

02:21:20.000 I mean, I've been out like four times.

02:21:20.000 I brought my friend, I brought my buddy Bill from, he's a good friend of mine out here.

02:21:24.000 Like, we hit the road.

02:21:26.000 Like, it's, I would...

02:21:28.000 It's the kind of place that I want to bring people to and show them.

02:21:31.000 Did Doug get excited when you thought about moving there?

02:21:34.000 I think...

02:21:35.000 You know what?

02:21:36.000 I can't tell.

02:21:37.000 You can't tell.

02:21:38.000 It seems happy, but then also there is a part of when a place is somebody's thing, you don't want to...

02:21:46.000 Intrude.

02:21:47.000 Right, I get it.

02:21:47.000 So, I don't know.

02:21:49.000 I mean, I also don't think I'll, you know, I would just love a little second, little rustic place where I do nothing.

02:21:58.000 Where I do all my nothing.

02:21:59.000 I like it.

02:22:00.000 I'll live in your cave.

02:22:02.000 Would you want to watch the cave?

02:22:03.000 I'll watch the cave.

02:22:04.000 Would you?

02:22:05.000 Yeah.

02:22:05.000 No weird stuff though, right?

02:22:06.000 No.

02:22:09.000 Whenever you let a comic watch your house.

02:22:13.000 I mean, I might have some processed sugar in the cave if that's going to be a big problem for you.

02:22:18.000 That's going to be an issue.

02:22:19.000 Yeah.

02:22:19.000 That's super bad for you, Morgan.

02:22:21.000 Keep it out of your body.

02:22:22.000 Keep it out of my cave.

02:22:23.000 I just take a picture of Doritos in front of your favorite places in a cave.

02:22:27.000 Mmm.

02:22:29.000 It's funny they can't get anybody to buy that cave.

02:22:31.000 I would feel like that would be something that people would be trying to buy up.

02:22:34.000 Mm-hmm The problem is, try selling it.

02:22:38.000 Trying to sell a cave to someone who could afford a $3 million cave?

02:22:42.000 Like, there's not a lot of those dudes out there.

02:22:44.000 Or women. 0.79

02:22:45.000 This cave house is in France.

02:22:47.000 Oh! 0.60

02:22:49.000 Oh, you're ballin'.

02:22:50.000 You're ballin' so strong.

02:22:51.000 You're on the side of a mountain. 1.00

02:22:52.000 Hope it doesn't go all Pompeii on your ass, though. 1.00

02:22:55.000 But you know what? 1.00

02:22:55.000 You could do a lot of this shit with the cave in Bisbee. 1.00

02:22:58.000 You could do a lot of that low-seeding. 0.99

02:23:00.000 I see it happening. 1.00

02:23:02.000 Now I really want you to get that fucking cave. 1.00

02:23:04.000 How about an amphitheater? 1.00

02:23:05.000 Outside?

02:23:06.000 Amphitheater?

02:23:06.000 Have folk singers come by?

02:23:08.000 There's a small little amphitheater in the park in Bisbee.

02:23:12.000 Is there?

02:23:12.000 Yeah, a little one.

02:23:13.000 You could do a show there.

02:23:14.000 Oh, what is this?

02:23:15.000 It's a different one.

02:23:16.000 Oh, my God.

02:23:16.000 I typed in the cave house in Bisbee, but a lot of cave houses are just coming up, too.

02:23:21.000 I saw a special on one of them television shows about houses where they're just all cave houses.

02:23:28.000 People building houses in caves, carving art into the wall.

02:23:32.000 Yeah, we're going back to the caves.

02:23:35.000 Well, it's just people are bored.

02:23:36.000 They just want something interesting. 1.00

02:23:37.000 Look at this fucking place. 1.00

02:23:39.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:23:42.000 Where he lives is so goddamn important. 0.95

02:23:45.000 Every place has a different feel to it. 1.00

02:23:47.000 That's why the idea of countries is so fucked up. 0.98

02:23:50.000 Stopping people from living somewhere awesome. 0.97

02:23:52.000 Well, yeah, I mean, if you told me, like, I can't go to Bisbee anymore, I can't go to...

02:23:58.000 Perfect example.

02:23:59.000 I'd get pissed.

02:24:00.000 If somebody drew a line around Bisbee, no, this is Bisbania.

02:24:04.000 Now, you can't come in unless you have papers.

02:24:06.000 Do you have any exceptional talents that we would want to let you into Bisbania?

02:24:10.000 Right? 0.99

02:24:11.000 I mean, shit. 0.99

02:24:12.000 Just 300 years ago, this wasn't even real, right? 0.99

02:24:15.000 300 years ago, there was no America.

02:24:17.000 Mm-hmm.

02:24:18.000 It's not too hard to believe that one day Bisbania could be a real thing. 1.00

02:24:23.000 Maybe Doug takes over.

02:24:23.000 Maybe they invent some stem cells that let Doug live for a long time, like way longer than he's supposed to.

02:24:29.000 Like five more years?

02:24:30.000 Five hundred.

02:24:31.000 Five hundred years. 0.54

02:24:32.000 And three hundred years from now, Doug is like some crazy old wizard mayor.

02:24:37.000 This is all the people in his...

02:24:39.000 Yeah, I don't know these people.

02:24:41.000 All those guys have moved there.

02:24:42.000 Well, that's Andy.

02:24:42.000 I know Andy Andrews.

02:24:43.000 Where's Andy?

02:24:45.000 Green underwear in front with a black hat.

02:24:48.000 And then there's, um, I don't know those other dudes.

02:24:50.000 Probably Bizbanians. 1.00

02:24:52.000 They need to, uh, Bizbania, need to declare their own country. 0.99

02:24:56.000 It's not a bad move, right?

02:24:57.000 Who's gonna stop you?

02:24:59.000 No one's even gonna leave you alone.

02:25:00.000 Just keep it low-key.

02:25:02.000 It's cool that you're five minutes from Mexico, too, you do a little drive into Mexico. 1.00

02:25:05.000 Shit goes down, just bolt south of the border. 1.00

02:25:08.000 Ooh, ooh, take the money and ride. 1.00

02:25:12.000 Alright, Morgan, I think we've taken too much of your time.

02:25:15.000 It's almost 2 p.m.

02:25:16.000 Done almost three hours.

02:25:17.000 What?

02:25:18.000 Yeah.

02:25:19.000 Isn't that crazy?

02:25:20.000 Oh my god, I can't wait to look at the comments. 1.00

02:25:23.000 Don't read that shit! 1.00

02:25:24.000 Are you gonna read that? 1.00

02:25:25.000 No, I don't read anything.

02:25:27.000 That's why you get depressed.

02:25:28.000 No, I don't read comments.

02:25:29.000 Good for you.

02:25:31.000 I don't either.

02:25:31.000 I don't need someone telling me I sound fat.

02:25:37.000 Where can people see you?

02:25:39.000 Where can they get in touch with you? 0.99

02:25:40.000 Where can they send you dick pics? 1.00

02:25:42.000 I am on Twitter, Morgan underscore Murphy. 0.99

02:25:44.000 I'll be out on the road with Stanhope from the 22nd to the 3rd of July.

02:25:49.000 You can look at his website for those dates.

02:25:53.000 And...

02:25:53.000 Oh yeah, Doug's got a special thing coming out on CISO, I guess.

02:25:58.000 That's me and Brendan Walsh.

02:26:01.000 It's Glenn Wohl.

02:26:03.000 He hosts this thing in South by Southwest, so that's coming out.

02:26:06.000 Oh, beautiful.

02:26:07.000 Awesome.

02:26:08.000 Doug's the executive producer?

02:26:09.000 Doug hosted and brought out me, Brendan, and Glenn.

02:26:14.000 Oh, that's excellent.

02:26:15.000 When is that coming out?

02:26:16.000 I don't know.

02:26:17.000 Morgan Murphy.

02:26:19.000 I'm glad we're friends.

02:26:20.000 You're very, very funny for us.

02:26:21.000 Oh, you're the best.

02:26:23.000 That sounded real.

02:26:24.000 Jamie, anything to say before we leave?

02:26:29.000 No.

02:26:30.000 Alright, that's it.

02:26:30.000 Thank you, Morgan.

02:26:31.000 Thank you.

02:26:31.000 Bye, everybody.

02:26:32.000 See you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 19, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #976 - Morgan Murphy

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Transcript