Why Is Christmas Music So God Awful Now? I Think I Know The Reason
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
169.79646
Summary
The decline of Christmas songs and movies Illustrates the decline of faith in these areas. To give you some idea of how bad things have become around the turn of the century, here s the trailer for the new Netflix show, The Testaments.
Transcript
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The other day it was brought to my attention that radio stations and streaming services
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are still broadcasting the song The Christmas Shoes,
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which is the single best argument against the First Amendment that perhaps has ever been made.
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Any civilized society would have imprisoned everybody responsible for that song and banned it many years ago.
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And in case you're unfamiliar with it, the song is about a guy who's in a bad mood.
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And then a kid who's dressed in ragged clothing goes up to the checkout line with a bunch of pennies
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Tells the clerk that his mother is dying and he wants to buy her shoes so that, you know,
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Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please.
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It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
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Now, already there are a couple of problems here beyond the very bad and melodramatic singing.
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First of all, if you're buying shoes or anything, there's no reason to tell the clerk why you're making the purchase.
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Unless you're buying the ingredients for a pipe bomb or something.
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And secondly, the song is outdated at this point.
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No kid is going to be counting pennies in the checkout line because we don't make pennies anymore.
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Now, admittedly, back in 2002, when this song came out, that wasn't true.
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But it was still considered a pretty big faux pas to make everyone wait while you, quote,
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And it's an even bigger faux pas when you come up short after all that.
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And third, what kind of person, child or not, thinks that people get to keep their shoes in the afterlife?
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And so at this point, even if you put aside the absurdity of wanting to dress up your dying mother,
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everyone in line should be furious with this kid.
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As Patton Oswalt observed, the kid eventually makes it clear that he's a total scam artist.
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He turns to the guy standing next to him and demands that he pays for the shoes.
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They counted pennies for what seemed like years
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And the cashier said, son, there's not enough here
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Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes
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Wouldn't get you kicked out of heaven on the spot
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As the narrator says, it felt like it took years
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And then declare that you've discovered the true meaning of Christmas
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You'll find that this song was wildly successful
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They apparently got Rob Lowe to play the angry guy at the store
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And in doing so, they provided a very important illustration
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Which is the decline of Christmas songs and movies
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A special pair of shoes will lead their paths to cross
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And Christmas movies have only deteriorated from here
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There hasn't been a good Christmas movie in over 30 years
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None of them appear to have any understanding of Christmas
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Which is a pretty big problem for a Christmas movie
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So this Christmas is going to be weird type of films
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Where the fate of Christmas itself is on the line
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And there's often, you know, unnecessary violence as well
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Elf was originally supposed to be much raunchier
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Sort of like a Christmas-themed version of old school
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Jon Favreau was fortunately able to prevent the studio
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The vast majority of the most popular Christmas songs
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Is similar to the reason that TV shows and movies
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Doesn't exactly translate into creative writing
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That can really exist from a practical perspective
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So people don't need 50,000 different Christmas songs
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No one's going to get burned out on Jingle Bells
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Has already helped hundreds of thousands of people
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They get that every family situation is different