The National Telegraph - Wyatt Claypool - March 20, 2024


The CBC Commits a Crime Against Comedy

Topics
prison CBC comedy
Hosted by
Wyatt Claypool
Mentioned
Pierre Poilievre Stephen Colbert Jon Stewart Winston Churchill Evil Dan Gestapo Blah
Gondek supporters vandalize recall signs in Calgary (Sign the petition) British Columbian voters are abandoning David Eby

Episode Stats


Length

10 minutes

Words per minute

207.26

Word count

2,165

Sentence count

190

Harmful content

Misogyny

3

sentences flagged

Toxicity

14

sentences flagged

Hate speech

1

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

It's the end of comedy in Canada. The CBC has been a laughing stock for years, and now they're gone forever. Dan talks about why he thinks the government should keep funding the CBC, and why they should keep making jokes about politics.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 I know the world can be a dark place. War, famine, disease, amateur musical theatre. There's a lot out there that can really bring it down. But I hate to tell you that it's just gotten a lot worse as the greatest crime against humanity. Illegal war crime. International law has been violated by the CBC as they have killed all of comedy. It's gone. It's dead. There's no coming back from this one.
00:00:27.880 And listen, I know what we're talking about. We're talking this hour has 22 minutes. Went to go to Pierre Polyev to be generally hilarious, apparently. Now, this isn't their traditional rant. No one needs me to make the rant. They're the opposition to the opposition. They should be making fun of the people in power. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Political bias. No one needs that rant. I've made the rant. Anyone who wants to hear that rant has heard that rant before. We don't need to do the unoriginal things.
00:00:53.020 I'm simply going to just mourn the loss of people doing things that are funny. Because one of the complaints that we used to have as the right is, oh, my God, the left has the culture. They are making people laugh and driving the narrative. They can't even do that anymore. No one's laughing.
00:01:07.320 We're just watching these pathetic losers getting paid six figures of our taxpayer dollars to go and harass Pierre Polyev for the likes. But I have a different take than anyone else. You've known me. I've wanted the CBC defunded for years. I've said whatever I want to. 0.99
00:01:25.360 But I have now changed pace. I am now against the complete defunding of the CBC. And I've changed my opinion. And I want the CBC to continue forever. Because I think we can kill two birds with one stone.
00:01:37.660 And we have to watch and then break down just what happens in this. This hour has 22 minutes left. So I'm going to skip to the word rashly starts. It takes 40 seconds.
00:01:47.440 I tried to get Pierre to notice me by playing it cool. But I did have to stand in line with my fellow patriots.
00:01:56.040 Wow, Pierre Polyev, such an honor to meet. My name is Dan. I'm with 22 Minutes. It's so nice to meet you. Canada's next prime minister and laser eye surgery success story. Congratulations. I think you're doing an amazing job. If it was up to me, you'd be the leader of the opposition for the rest of your life.
00:02:11.920 So those are the two jokes he had written. So they had two jokes written for I don't know how many hundreds of thousands of dollars they spent on this.
00:02:20.360 But the entire writers came up with two jokes. And the first one was basically you're an ugly loser nerd, but you're not as ugly as used to be used to wear glasses. 0.99
00:02:30.260 But like then you got like laser eye surgery or now you're wearing contacts. But we know you're a four eyes nerd. 0.99
00:02:35.480 Okay. The reason why I want to keep the CBC, it's like, you got to choose the villain you're going up against.
00:02:44.180 Like if you have a choice to go up against a villain, do you want to go against Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs or Team Rocket from Pokemon?
00:02:51.020 Right. If one of if there's going to be a media that hates us and his job is trying to undermine us, do you want them to every time they try and do something like evil Dan or is this good Dan?
00:03:02.360 I don't know what of the Dan's is doing now. He's going to end this and go blasting. You're going to see he ends this thing, but literally, oh, no, see me see he's blasting off again.
00:03:09.380 That literally happens here. So they don't even they can't even do an attack right, because if you want to attack someone, right, and you're playing comedy, you have to be seen as a sympathetic thing.
00:03:20.280 You can't go in throwing haymakers like, oh, you're ugly. And then the second written joke is, oh, I hope you're a leader of the opposition forever, which is unoriginal.
00:03:29.240 That's a standard political joke. Like Winston Churchill probably made a joke like that, you know, almost 100 years ago.
00:03:36.980 This is this is what your taxpayer dollars are funding. So let's go on.
00:03:43.500 Well, I won't be sadly for you and you and you're and you're. But you know what?
00:03:49.360 You'll have to earn a living rather than getting it from taxpayers money.
00:03:53.080 I love that you're cracking down on crime.
00:03:55.600 I'll say, do you notice the the cut there? That's it's interesting that they cut out his reaction to that.
00:04:00.580 Now, was Polly perfect on that? No, but like this is what politicians are trying to do. 1.00
00:04:05.280 Like, this is how you win. Like, Polly just has to, like, not freak out and say the N word. 1.00
00:04:09.980 Like, that's how he wins this. Like, when you get bombarded and attacked, standing in line to meet people, and then someone comes into the attack, the only way you lose that is by losing your cool.
00:04:17.920 If you don't lose your cool, you win. And if you do lose your cool, you lose.
00:04:21.180 And usually people don't air stuff where they don't make the person lose their cool.
00:04:26.100 Sometimes people air that and they're like crazy people, like lunatics, like, I'm going to go and I got, I talked to Pierre and asked him, like, do you know about the deep state?
00:04:33.760 And you know that, do you know the queen is still alive? And she's fake and she's gay and she's black with a man. 1.00
00:04:39.580 And Polly goes, I, what? And then I got him, right? 1.00
00:04:44.560 That's what crazy people do. These are, these are crazy people. 1.00
00:04:47.660 So, it's pretty funny. He goes, he cuts, he gets back, he gets kicked out. He's going to go back in again. 0.73
00:04:54.160 This, this is, I mean.
00:04:55.780 All right, I love that you're cracking down on murderers, thieves, CBC journalists.
00:05:00.280 I love that you're cracking down on axing the tax why your ratings are so terrible.
00:05:04.820 All right, my friend.
00:05:05.300 No, I think that part.
00:05:07.020 See, that's, that's pretty great.
00:05:09.340 Is, see, then Pierre actually got a good one off him because he just goes on a social diatribe of like, this is what, I like that you're cutting down, cracking down on crime.
00:05:16.380 Because he's making fun of him because he's like, everyone knows crime isn't real.
00:05:20.020 People should be allowed to steal cars.
00:05:21.640 Like, haha, this lunatic thinks that the car thief, the, the international billion dollar crime syndicate of car theft in our cities.
00:05:28.780 Haha, that's just a joke.
00:05:29.880 And then you're also cracking down on CBC journalists.
00:05:32.040 Well, you've already established how he's cracking down.
00:05:34.060 It's to defund.
00:05:35.540 This isn't like a Gestapo type, like we're not going to allow journalism to do journalism anymore.
00:05:40.660 I mean, you've already set it out there.
00:05:42.300 Right?
00:05:42.480 And then he got back, like, this is why you're going to get defunded.
00:05:44.360 Like, this is why you're rating so, so low.
00:05:45.700 That's a good comeback from Polyev.
00:05:47.760 And then he comes back with, oh, no, that's just Heartland, which is, I guess, the one that, like, normal people, like, just catch on an albergo watch.
00:05:55.140 Okay, thank you, sir.
00:05:56.000 Pierre, we love you, Pierre.
00:05:57.540 Okay, thank you.
00:05:58.120 Just come up this way.
00:05:58.920 You're done.
00:05:59.720 Getting snubbed by my hero was the greatest moment of my life.
00:06:04.180 So I decided to get back in line and do it again.
00:06:06.120 I mean, I'm happy to wait and just, you know, cross my fingers, I guess.
00:06:08.840 Yeah.
00:06:09.200 Okay, well, we're going to have to just monitor our timing.
00:06:11.340 Mr. Polyev, me again.
00:06:12.560 We've got a lot of big questions for you.
00:06:14.140 We want to know what is your least favorite province?
00:06:16.720 And could we save money by sinking PEI into the sea?
00:06:19.600 I think we could save money by spending a billion less on terrible comedians.
00:06:23.520 Absolutely.
00:06:24.260 And propagandists from the PMO.
00:06:25.820 Your critics are saying that your policies are far right, even authoritarian.
00:06:30.140 How will you stamp out that dissent when you're prime minister?
00:06:33.880 Okay.
00:06:34.740 This is why I'm kind of sad for comedy.
00:06:37.960 But this is also why I want to keep the CBC.
00:06:40.120 So you notice that they're all dismissive on crime.
00:06:42.700 And ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:06:43.460 How's Polyev going to crack down on crime?
00:06:44.740 And it's pretty hard to change the entire system, okay?
00:06:46.520 It's pretty hard to change the entire criminal justice system.
00:06:49.440 Canada's a country where I can go outside right now, burn down two or three churches on a live stream, 0.62
00:06:53.900 then a good killing spree, seven to eight people.
00:06:57.280 That's what, three years, seven months in jail in like a healing lodge somewhere?
00:07:03.480 This is why we need the CBC.
00:07:06.560 I decree that what we should do with the CBC is keep it.
00:07:10.880 But in prisons, in Canadian prisons, you do not get cable television.
00:07:14.480 You don't get Netflix, Amazon Prime.
00:07:16.220 The only thing you have on tablets in every single room is CBC gem.
00:07:21.320 It's free anyway, right?
00:07:22.520 So the prisoners have to pay for it.
00:07:23.600 You have to watch CBC gem.
00:07:26.720 You get every, every, every, this, this guy, Dan, should be paid $100,000, keep his salary in perpetuity forever, forever, forever,
00:07:35.840 to do his best as a comedian to make the best content he is capable of.
00:07:41.380 And considering no one watches it, we should mandate that it is watched in all federal prisons,
00:07:47.300 therefore establishing some form of deterrence towards committing crimes in Canada.
00:07:52.760 Because if you're going to steal a bunch of cars and maybe you just spend, I don't know, two months in prison for like 80,000 auto thefts.
00:08:00.080 Well, now you have to go in your two months of prison, you will be tortured the entire time with the CBC.
00:08:05.920 So it's like, you know, two months in prison, eh, but two months in solitary confinement where you're tortured every day.
00:08:12.000 Like, that's a bit of a crazy thing.
00:08:13.820 So that's why we need the CBC.
00:08:15.640 No more healing lodges.
00:08:16.960 No more minimum security prison.
00:08:18.280 Everything is a minimum security prison.
00:08:19.820 Just keep them in.
00:08:20.760 And every room should have CBC gem playing all day, every day.
00:08:25.540 And that's how we are going to fix this crime wave.
00:08:29.800 Because we're not getting at the judges and the entire legal system to be like, oh, all of a sudden crime is now illegal. 0.84
00:08:35.240 No, they're all woke lunatics, especially in the cities.
00:08:38.000 Instead, we must fix them from on top and put a tablet and we call it an equity. 0.89
00:08:43.140 The CBC has an equity DEI ESG score.
00:08:46.360 I'm sure it's the CBC's ESG score.
00:08:48.360 It's like a billion, kajillion, mazillion.
00:08:49.720 So let's make our prisons more ESG compliant or whatever and make sure that CBC gem is playing in them all the time so people can watch this and listen.
00:09:00.260 It kind of controls it because if you get rid of the CBC, all these, you know, anti-conservative woke journalists might go somewhere, might actually band together.
00:09:09.140 And the competent ones might get something going and actually be funny again and realize, like, the way that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert got people to laugh at politicians like this is they would go in.
00:09:17.800 And they knew how to, they had empathy, like, this guy, these CBC people have no empathy for, they don't understand what anyone could think.
00:09:25.520 They're like, we tried to blend in, yay, carbon tax, oh, I'm crazy, I'm conservative.
00:09:29.540 Like, no, if you were actually funny, you could go in, mimic a somewhat crazy right-wing person, get a bunch of things wrong that kind of sound right, 0.96
00:09:39.320 and then get Polyev to sort of agree to that to shut you up, and then show Polyev, haha, look, he's crazy. 0.99
00:09:45.320 He even supports stupid things like wanting to, you know, axe the tax on recycling or like whatever, make him look like he got something wrong by you being crazy. 0.99
00:09:53.700 That's how Stewart and Colbert used to do it. 1.00
00:09:55.860 You can't even do it right, which is why I salute you, Evil Dan.
00:09:59.460 You're doing the Lord's work, and my new position is CBC now, CBC forever, in all federal and provincial prisons.
00:10:07.120 So you break the law, yes, you go to jail for 15 minutes, but those 15 minutes will be spent, or at least, no, you'll no longer be going for jail for 15 minutes.
00:10:15.580 It'll be at least a 22-minute sentence.
00:10:16.980 I'm putting mandatory minimums.
00:10:18.580 In Canada, when you go to jail, it has to be at least for 22 minutes, and you have to watch the CBC and learn your lesson and stop being such a bad guy.