This Past Weekend with Theo Von - #570 - Chelsea Handler

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00:00:30.300 Today's guest is a stand-up comedian.

00:00:32.680 She's an actress. She's an author. 0.54

00:00:34.840 She just came out with her seventh book.

00:00:37.320 You know her from her Chelsea Lately series.

00:00:41.680 And just from being a force in the comedy world.

00:00:45.780 Her new special, The Feeling, is out now on Netflix.

00:00:48.980 I'm grateful to spend time with today's guest, Chelsea Handler.

00:00:53.140 Where are you from, Theo?

00:01:11.500 I'm from Louisiana.

00:01:13.940 I'm from Louisiana, so not a lot of comedians.

00:01:17.400 Well, there are.

00:01:17.960 Mark Normand is a comedian out of Louisiana.

00:01:22.080 Oh, I'm in a space.

00:01:22.980 There's a bunch of guys.

00:01:24.560 Who are you with, WME?

00:01:26.660 Yeah, Michael Berkowitz.

00:01:28.440 Oh, yeah.

00:01:28.780 He's my agent, too.

00:01:29.680 He is?

00:01:30.420 Oh, wait.

00:01:31.080 He said that.

00:01:31.980 Yeah.

00:01:32.400 I just saw him the other day.

00:01:33.300 He came to a show in Pittsburgh.

00:01:34.880 Oh, yeah.

00:01:35.520 So every time agents are scared of losing you, they show up.

00:01:37.840 You notice that?

00:01:38.580 Yeah, for sure.

00:01:39.760 That's their jam. 0.83

00:01:41.080 Yeah.

00:01:41.420 Are you thinking about leaving WME?

00:01:42.560 No.

00:01:43.440 I mean, Mike is charming.

00:01:46.580 He's done great work for me.

00:01:48.840 Have you ever been at UTA?

00:01:51.600 Because I just left UTA like six months ago for WME.

00:01:55.120 You did?

00:01:55.540 The owner of UTA?

00:01:57.780 Jeremy Zimmer?

00:01:58.720 Yeah.

00:01:58.900 One of those guys?

00:01:59.500 Yeah.

00:01:59.780 Yeah.

00:02:00.040 Jeremy, I've known him for a few years.

00:02:01.740 Jeremy's a really neat guy.

00:02:02.860 Yeah.

00:02:03.300 He's very, there's nobody like him.

00:02:06.180 That's funny.

00:02:06.680 I got after the Oscar parties on the morning after, I switched out of my heels into a pair

00:02:11.280 of sneakers, Oscar night for the parties.

00:02:13.500 I wanted to go to a guy's party and I wanted to dance.

00:02:15.940 And so I got a, Dougie, come here.

00:02:18.320 Doug, come.

00:02:20.180 Doug, come.

00:02:21.340 Doug.

00:02:22.280 Doug, I feel like he's looking for a place to pee.

00:02:24.240 Come over here.

00:02:25.100 Is he?

00:02:25.620 No.

00:02:26.120 He can pee by me if he needs to, I guess.

00:02:27.000 They just took out.

00:02:27.880 Well, hopefully he will during that interview.

00:02:29.360 That'll be perfect.

00:02:30.940 He sent me a text and he's like, I have your shoes from last night.

00:02:34.120 I didn't see Jeremy Zimmer.

00:02:35.180 I have no idea how he had my shoes.

00:02:37.240 I had just left his agency.

00:02:38.640 I was like, well, thank you very much.

00:02:40.360 And he's like, can I send these to an address?

00:02:42.260 And I was like, just keep them.

00:02:43.400 I don't really need them anymore.

00:02:44.360 They were just for the night.

00:02:45.780 So that's funny.

00:02:46.660 Yeah.

00:02:46.880 Jeremy Zimmer is very unique.

00:02:48.740 He's a great speaker too.

00:02:49.840 He's a great, uh, he's able to speak and think at the same time really well.

00:02:53.800 So that's something that I really admire about him.

00:02:57.100 Um, what was I going to ask you about?

00:02:59.580 Oh, good to see you.

00:03:00.620 Thank you.

00:03:01.160 Thank you.

00:03:01.700 You look great.

00:03:02.160 Have we ever seen each other before?

00:03:03.480 I came on your show a couple times, uh, when you had Chelsea Lately show.

00:03:07.560 Oh, really?

00:03:07.980 Yeah.

00:03:08.300 I was so nervous.

00:03:09.260 Were you?

00:03:09.940 Oh, yeah.

00:03:10.580 God, I don't even remember.

00:03:11.960 It's okay.

00:03:12.440 Yeah.

00:03:12.780 So many comics were on my show that I don't even remember meeting.

00:03:15.400 That's so crazy.

00:03:16.340 So many people came on my show and were interviewed by me that I don't remember.

00:03:20.240 So when I run into these people, I always say, hi, it's nice to meet you.

00:03:23.360 Yeah.

00:03:23.600 And they're like, you've, you've interviewed me like several times.

00:03:25.940 I'm like, well, it's great to see you again.

00:03:28.480 Do you think, was it because were you drinking or was it just because you were, it was just

00:03:31.920 time was just hectic.

00:03:33.540 Just interviewing thousands of people.

00:03:35.480 It's impossible to remember everyone.

00:03:37.440 No, I did typically didn't drink during my show.

00:03:40.500 Would you ever though?

00:03:41.460 Cause sometimes life just gets so stressful.

00:03:43.740 I mean, I'll drink when I'm performing on stage.

00:03:46.200 Cause that's kind of nighttime, eight o'clock, you know, that I don't have a problem with.

00:03:49.880 Not, not, not wasted, but have a cocktail before I go on.

00:03:53.320 Yeah.

00:03:53.520 Yeah.

00:03:53.640 I like that.

00:03:54.320 But during the daytime, it's kind of an unnecessary thing.

00:03:57.340 And when you're shooting, when you're filming a show at three in the afternoon, really not

00:04:00.560 necessary.

00:04:01.300 Yeah.

00:04:01.660 Yeah.

00:04:02.260 Yeah.

00:04:02.460 I get, yeah.

00:04:02.980 I think, I can't remember if I even had a drink at that.

00:04:05.380 I was so nervous.

00:04:06.540 I remember like some of the lines I said, I couldn't get them right.

00:04:09.500 And I was like, I was like immensely nervous at that time.

00:04:13.040 And, um, yeah, but you had so many comics on that was like the tonight show for a while

00:04:18.340 for, for, for comedians.

00:04:19.400 I mean, it boosted a lot of careers.

00:04:20.760 It launched a lot of careers.

00:04:22.140 Yeah.

00:04:22.420 It felt like did a lot of, um, I mean, Michael, yo, Chris Fran, Jola, I mean, Joe Coy, Joe

00:04:29.160 Coy, fortune Feimster.

00:04:30.540 Ali Wong was on that show.

00:04:32.600 Uh, who else?

00:04:33.740 Kevin Hart.

00:04:34.380 Kevin Hart was on the round table before he blew up.

00:04:37.000 Kevin was on the round table a bunch of times before he blew up.

00:04:39.580 And then he was like, all right, I'm done with the round table.

00:04:42.140 I'm a guest.

00:04:43.080 Yeah. 0.99

00:04:43.380 And I was like, who the fuck does this guy think he is? 0.99

00:04:45.920 And then of course I was like, good for you. 0.99

00:04:47.600 You are a guest now, you know?

00:04:49.500 Um, but yeah, tons of people.

00:04:51.100 Oh yeah.

00:04:51.360 So I mean, and I hate to like just miss some people's names, Ross Matthews.

00:04:55.340 Yeah.

00:04:56.100 He was, he was a big part of that show too.

00:04:57.880 I remember, or that's kind of what it, cause then he got a spinoff of his own show from

00:05:00.880 your show, didn't he?

00:05:01.520 Yeah.

00:05:01.600 I produced it.

00:05:02.400 The Ross Matthews show and Whitney Cummings.

00:05:05.420 Uh, I love Ross.

00:05:06.740 A lot of people.

00:05:07.480 Yeah.

00:05:07.640 I just saw Ross in New York city.

00:05:09.020 Yeah.

00:05:09.200 Yeah.

00:05:09.660 Yeah.

00:05:10.160 He's one of a kind.

00:05:11.480 Yeah.

00:05:11.980 Yeah.

00:05:12.300 He just like, I don't know.

00:05:14.400 I could never see him and not just feel better.

00:05:16.960 I feel like.

00:05:17.580 Yeah.

00:05:17.940 He's an uplifter for sure.

00:05:19.780 He's like infectious, but yeah, I was so nervous.

00:05:21.960 I got so nervous.

00:05:22.660 Cause I think also like they, you would come out and you didn't kind of, or I didn't know

00:05:27.340 you.

00:05:27.540 And so like, I didn't get to say hello or anything.

00:05:29.820 And I was just hyper nervous.

00:05:31.080 And, um, yeah, that was, that was definitely tougher back then for me just to be in like those types of

00:05:36.340 environments.

00:05:36.860 Did you ever have a talk show that you went on early where you were just like, or some

00:05:40.360 sort of thing you went on where you're like, I can't handle this.

00:05:42.520 Or were you always?

00:05:43.620 No, always.

00:05:44.520 Yeah.

00:05:44.880 I mean, diarrhea, you know what I mean?

00:05:46.620 Like, you know, remember when you, like I used to do Leno before I was like a correspondent

00:05:50.680 on Leno.

00:05:51.560 I mean, I would like literally, I'm not even, I don't pray and I would pray every, I'd be

00:05:55.940 like, just please let me do well.

00:05:57.640 Let me do well.

00:05:58.600 I'd be on my knees in the dressing room.

00:06:00.400 Like, can everyone get out really quick?

00:06:01.380 Cause I don't want anyone to see me praying also.

00:06:03.480 So I would get down on my knees and be like, please, please, please.

00:06:06.480 Let's, I mean, I did that up until probably, I don't know, 10 years ago, five years ago

00:06:11.400 until I finally, I'm solid in my footing enough to know I'm, I'm going to do a good job.

00:06:17.960 When you do something for so long, you understand what the mechanics are.

00:06:22.280 And even if it's a shitty situation, if you have a right attitude, it's going to be good.

00:06:26.700 Yeah.

00:06:27.060 You know what I mean?

00:06:27.760 Yeah, definitely.

00:06:28.680 It changes.

00:06:29.360 Like now I feel more confident in a lot of situations, some conversations I still get

00:06:32.620 nervous in, but not like when I'm going on stage and stuff.

00:06:35.420 Now I know I've just done it enough times where I can handle it.

00:06:38.680 So that, yeah, some things do start to evolve.

00:06:40.740 Thank God.

00:06:41.580 I remember being in like a really little audition room when I first went in and it was over

00:06:45.500 at E they were auditioning for something.

00:06:48.460 And I was like, can we open the window?

00:06:50.440 I was like, and it was like kind of a little room, but it was like, and they, it was windows.

00:06:54.060 They didn't let it.

00:06:54.880 So the late, the assistants over there, Matt's trying to open it.

00:06:57.380 Like doesn't open and nothing was helping me.

00:06:59.380 I was like, can we open the door?

00:07:00.380 And it was just, it was horrible.

00:07:03.040 I had some rough ones early on with, with so many comedians who tried to get on your

00:07:07.160 show.

00:07:07.660 Was there a lot of lobbying that happened like behind the scenes?

00:07:10.280 Like did comedian, like friends, like, or people try to like infiltrate your space.

00:07:13.980 Do you feel like to try to get those positions?

00:07:16.300 Cause that was such a coveted spot to be on Chelsea lately. 1.00

00:07:18.840 Yeah.

00:07:18.980 It's funny you say that.

00:07:19.880 I don't really remember that.

00:07:21.300 I had such a team of people around me.

00:07:23.380 It's like that, that we're, we're, those are the people like, you're not coming to

00:07:27.120 me saying, can I come on your show?

00:07:28.940 Like that wasn't really a thing.

00:07:31.240 It was more about the bookers probably were dealing with that.

00:07:34.180 And other comedians would go to the bookers, but nobody really bothered me with that.

00:07:38.200 But like, you know, this person wants to come on.

00:07:40.980 Can you do me a favor?

00:07:42.200 It wasn't like that.

00:07:43.160 I probably didn't give off the air that that would be that very, that, that welcome. 1.00

00:07:46.880 You know, like I didn't want to deal with that shit. 1.00

00:07:48.840 I was dealing with enough shit. 1.00

00:07:49.840 There was enough fucking people. 1.00

00:07:50.780 We were like a big fraternity party. 1.00

00:07:52.740 All we did was play practical jokes on each other all day.

00:07:55.380 It was one of the most unprofessional environments I've ever been a part of. 0.96

00:07:58.860 And I fucking loved it, you know? 0.71

00:08:00.540 So anything that would slightly annoy me at that time, I had very little tolerance for. 0.98

00:08:05.640 So nobody would be jockeying with me because I hated that.

00:08:08.380 Like when I'd put up my standup dates, I'd be like, okay, I'm doing a tour for this book

00:08:12.220 or whatever.

00:08:12.560 And I'd put it up on the wall and all the comics that worked on Chelsea lately, the writers

00:08:15.980 would have first, they could decide if they wanted to open for me, you know, and they'd

00:08:19.960 sign up on the wall.

00:08:20.860 Like I'm going to do in Kansas City.

00:08:22.500 I'm doing St. Louis.

00:08:23.960 And when that happened and they would go at it and jockey for that, like I would, I had

00:08:29.580 no, I don't like that.

00:08:30.820 I don't like competitiveness.

00:08:32.460 I don't like when people are like, no, I want to do this one. 0.98

00:08:34.980 So like, I think everyone knew not to fuck around with that. 0.96

00:08:38.120 I don't like when people are acting like that gamesmanship, you know? 0.99

00:08:42.000 So, um.

00:08:42.740 You pick up on it probably pretty quick, I would guess.

00:08:44.280 And I'd also ignore it easily.

00:08:45.960 Like I'm not, I'm, that's not of an interest of mine.

00:08:48.400 So, uh, yeah, but people would come on if they didn't do well, they'd get a second chance.

00:08:52.080 Maybe sometimes they'd bomb really badly.

00:08:53.660 And then, you know, there's nothing you can do.

00:08:55.640 And people were really nervous and there's nothing I can do about that either.

00:08:58.500 You know, like you're either going to sink or swim.

00:09:00.880 So you're, you have to kind of, when you're in that situation and you're running a show

00:09:05.680 and it's your name on it, you kind of just have to, you have to understand some people,

00:09:09.020 if you felt bad for every single person who didn't do well, you're not succeeding either.

00:09:13.740 Yeah, you'll be a therapist at that point.

00:09:15.100 Right.

00:09:15.660 Yeah.

00:09:16.780 Um, the feeling, I watched some of the feeling.

00:09:19.400 I love like, what's one of the lines you had early in it?

00:09:23.660 It was like, um, even at seven, I was looking for a bar.

00:09:29.580 I think that's one of the lines you have in it.

00:09:31.380 Yes.

00:09:31.860 About just being young.

00:09:32.860 It seemed like you were born, like I could relate to it so much.

00:09:35.520 Like, like immediately, even though in the, some of the stories you start telling,

00:09:39.020 uh, in the new special, it's like, you are a adult.

00:09:42.880 I was born as a woman.

00:09:44.280 Yes.

00:09:44.700 Yeah.

00:09:45.020 I was, when I was born, I was pissed.

00:09:46.940 Yeah.

00:09:47.220 I was pissed and I was a woman and I felt like I was trapped in a little baby's body with it.

00:09:53.040 That was chubby and being tossed around like some sort of party favor.

00:09:55.840 And I wanted to be a business woman.

00:09:57.520 Yeah.

00:09:57.740 I realized right away that my family was not going to cut it.

00:10:01.980 Incompetent employees.

00:10:03.460 Incompetent.

00:10:03.860 Too many people already.

00:10:04.960 There were like five other kids. 1.00

00:10:06.140 I'm like, where are these fucking kids coming from? 0.99

00:10:07.820 No union. 1.00

00:10:08.360 Why?

00:10:08.700 Why?

00:10:09.020 Yeah.

00:10:09.560 Unions.

00:10:10.020 Yeah, exactly.

00:10:10.740 I wanted to be, I wanted to head up a union and I just couldn't believe the, the, the lack

00:10:17.000 of like a savings account or financial plan.

00:10:19.600 And my dad seemed like he was a bit of a hot mess.

00:10:22.720 My mom was sleeping a lot.

00:10:24.140 And I just was like, this family is not up to stuff.

00:10:26.880 Like I had bigger ideas for myself.

00:10:28.840 Yes.

00:10:29.640 It's, I can relate to that so much.

00:10:31.660 Like I just felt like I was born into a place where like, it was almost like I was born

00:10:34.500 into like a, a, a job, like a job position that I didn't apply for.

00:10:38.680 And there was no like clear rules of employment on the wall. 0.81

00:10:42.440 The hours were super fucking vague.

00:10:44.640 You didn't exactly know who was in charge, but you had to be at work every day. 0.89

00:10:48.200 That's kind of like how I felt.

00:10:49.660 So when you were talking about that, um, some of the early stories you're talking about,

00:10:53.080 I could just relate to that so much.

00:10:54.480 Yeah.

00:10:54.860 My dad was also like, I had such a mouth on me from such a young age because I really

00:10:59.600 did feel like a woman.

00:11:01.440 I wanted to, I was like, when am I, when do I get to get out of here?

00:11:04.120 Like, where, where's my apartment?

00:11:05.440 I want to start working.

00:11:06.660 Like I wanted to start a business and my dad couldn't understand. 1.00

00:11:10.520 He was like, what, what, who is this little cunt? 1.00

00:11:12.460 Like, why won't she shut the fuck up? 1.00

00:11:14.760 And I mean, and he tried everything to like bring me down, you know? 0.99

00:11:18.000 So we would, but not bring me down, but keep me in my place.

00:11:22.020 Like put me in my place.

00:11:23.300 Like no girl talks like this.

00:11:25.300 You're too loud.

00:11:26.380 You're too abrasive.

00:11:27.500 And all of these things.

00:11:28.420 And meanwhile, my dad was all of those things, loud, abrasive.

00:11:30.700 It's like, that's where I got it from.

00:11:31.980 Yeah.

00:11:32.100 But so we didn't, we did not see eye to eye for a very long time.

00:11:36.420 Was there, um, was there moments when you were a kid that you actually did feel like

00:11:40.160 a kid?

00:11:40.440 Like when you kind of look back, right?

00:11:41.820 Like, cause I always felt kind of like wet cement.

00:11:44.400 I felt like I was always having to manage myself.

00:11:46.600 There was so much going on, like on the inside and outside.

00:11:49.560 I never felt like super reliable in my own footing and stuff.

00:11:52.780 But when you look back on your life, were there moments where you actually felt like,

00:11:56.540 okay, I was just kind of a kid there, you know, as opposed to being like the,

00:12:00.500 like, um, somebody who had to be on top of everything.

00:12:04.540 Like, does that make any sense to you?

00:12:05.540 Yeah, yeah, of course.

00:12:06.200 No, I definitely felt like a kid.

00:12:07.700 Like I was, you know, I was a kid.

00:12:09.360 I, I had all those kid experiences, but there was always a sense of when you're the youngest

00:12:13.920 of six children, how many kids do you have in your family?

00:12:16.100 Yeah, we had four.

00:12:16.940 And you're the, what number?

00:12:17.680 I'm the second one.

00:12:18.620 Oh, okay.

00:12:19.120 But it was bad.

00:12:19.740 I mean, it was just, our family was just weird, but, but yeah, I knew you were the last

00:12:22.540 one.

00:12:22.860 Yeah.

00:12:23.260 And when you're the last one, you are, you absorb, first of all, you grow up in two seconds 0.99

00:12:28.080 because everyone else is fucking and smoking weed and you're hearing conversations that 0.99

00:12:32.800 little children aren't supposed to hear. 1.00

00:12:34.220 So you're mature right away.

00:12:35.800 Cause you're like, oh yeah. 0.99

00:12:37.020 Like I, you know, I knew about anal sex when I was like six, I was like, God, I can't wait 0.99

00:12:40.560 to try that. 0.99

00:12:41.300 You know, like you're, you're just mature in different ways. 0.94

00:12:45.320 And you know, not that anal is a sign of maturity, but you know, it's one sign of just knowing 0.96

00:12:49.500 too much too soon. 0.96

00:12:50.480 It's considered a vacation in some religions.

00:12:52.380 Well, yeah.

00:12:53.040 And for some people.

00:12:54.080 Yeah.

00:12:54.160 But, um, I, I definitely had childlike experiences for sure.

00:12:58.920 And I had, my brothers and sisters were all pretty tight.

00:13:01.700 So they kind of did raise me and they kind of brought me along with them to many like

00:13:06.560 different things.

00:13:07.120 But I was always ahead of my age group.

00:13:09.700 Yeah.

00:13:10.160 I, and even when I dated guys in high school, like it was illegal, the men that I was dating,

00:13:14.400 you know, they were in their twenties and I was a teenager.

00:13:16.660 Like I could totally put them in jail for statutory rape, except I seduced all of them. 1.00

00:13:20.640 You know, there's nothing I would ever do. 0.96

00:13:22.440 So it's like, it's my fault.

00:13:24.140 When people are like, it's not your fault.

00:13:25.880 These men should never have been with a girl that age. 0.99

00:13:28.300 I'm like, you don't understand what I was like when I was fucking 16. 0.99

00:13:31.240 I was like 45. 0.96

00:13:34.220 So they didn't have a chance.

00:13:35.860 Like young menopause.

00:13:37.060 That's kind of crazy.

00:13:37.920 That's hilarious.

00:13:39.260 Um, do you, what was like a first date that you remember?

00:13:41.680 Do you remember going on like a first date with somebody?

00:13:43.700 I remember going to Martha's Vineyard.

00:13:45.860 I was, my parents had a summer house at Martha's Vineyard.

00:13:47.780 That makes it sound like we were really wealthy.

00:13:49.260 We weren't.

00:13:50.020 I heard you say that on your special.

00:13:51.360 Yeah, my, my dad just was a used car dealer.

00:13:53.640 So I'm not even sure how, you know, how he got that house, but he got it.

00:13:56.780 And, and he, my sister and I went, oh, there was this guy.

00:14:00.920 His name was Justin Chu, I believe.

00:14:04.240 Japanese guy?

00:14:05.100 No, no American. 0.98

00:14:05.960 He looked like Brad Pitt.

00:14:06.820 That's what was so interesting about the whole thing.

00:14:08.460 So he was at this hotel in Martha's Vineyard and I would go there.

00:14:12.000 I was like, uh, probably 10, but passing is like 15, 16.

00:14:16.200 Long 10, a tall 10.

00:14:17.800 Yeah, 10. 0.98

00:14:18.180 Had boobs. 0.97

00:14:18.740 Everything's coming together. 0.98

00:14:19.740 Great.

00:14:20.280 And I would go to this hotel pool and just like cruise, you know, for guys like at 10 years

00:14:24.480 old.

00:14:24.700 I was like, I got to find a boyfriend, you know, and who are these other people that are

00:14:28.120 on vacation?

00:14:28.600 And this guy looked like Brad Pitt.

00:14:30.180 He was so good looking.

00:14:31.680 And I was, you know, flirting with him and, oh no, I, maybe I was, maybe I was 11, maybe

00:14:36.560 I was 12.

00:14:37.000 I don't know.

00:14:37.440 I probably wasn't 10, but I was young, young, too young to be on a date probably.

00:14:41.540 And I went on a date with him and a very, you know, like, uh, innocent date.

00:14:48.600 Where'd y'all go?

00:14:49.360 Do you remember?

00:14:49.780 Did you just go for a walk?

00:14:50.600 Just went out somewhere in Martha's Vineyard.

00:14:52.840 Like there was a lot of kids hanging around at night.

00:14:54.920 So I'm sure we were just like walking through main street or something.

00:14:56.920 With the Kennedys or something probably?

00:14:58.300 Something pretty, yeah, something pretty innocent.

00:14:59.980 And then he kissed me when I came back, he kissed me and he put his tongue in my mouth 0.98

00:15:05.760 and I had never been more repulsed in my life.

00:15:08.520 My sister picked me up.

00:15:09.720 My older sister, Simone picked me up at the Harborview hotel and I got in the car and I'm

00:15:13.580 like, I'm a lesbian. 0.80

00:15:14.500 I can't believe how disgusting that was. 0.99

00:15:16.940 I can't believe some man just put his tongue in my mouth.

00:15:18.940 And she's like, everyone thinks that the first time, like, you're going to like that

00:15:22.620 when you're older, you're just too young.

00:15:24.440 And I'm like, I'll never like that.

00:15:26.180 And I'm a lesbian.

00:15:27.020 And she's like, you're not going to like what that entails either.

00:15:29.280 Like, if you didn't like a tongue in your mouth, you're certainly not going to like 1.00

00:15:31.920 a pussy in your mouth. 1.00

00:15:33.140 So she wasn't wrong. 1.00

00:15:35.680 I do like men and I've continued to like them since that time.

00:15:39.380 But yeah, it was a, it wasn't a, yeah.

00:15:42.080 And then after that, I was very fast.

00:15:43.960 You know, like I started having boyfriends when I was 13, 14 years old, having sex like 0.94

00:15:48.740 when I was 14, 15 years old.

00:15:50.460 And then I just went off the rails pretty much.

00:15:53.800 My teenage years were like pregnant, stuff like that.

00:15:57.700 Like you got pregnant. 0.58

00:15:58.440 Yeah.

00:15:58.820 Oh, dang.

00:15:59.920 And oh, wow.

00:16:00.780 You did it more than once.

00:16:01.860 That's all.

00:16:02.320 Yeah.

00:16:02.580 It seems like a pretty, you know, a lot for like a younger person.

00:16:06.780 But did they, and how do you, what do you do back then if you're pregnant or you get

00:16:11.740 an abortion? 0.99

00:16:12.360 You do.

00:16:12.860 No way.

00:16:13.360 That's when they were legal.

00:16:14.400 Like Cider House rule style or what did you do?

00:16:16.620 No, no.

00:16:17.060 My parents basically were like, come with us.

00:16:19.220 You're getting an abortion. 0.99

00:16:20.480 And I was like, what do you mean?

00:16:21.540 What state do they do it in?

00:16:22.920 Any state.

00:16:23.700 It was legal everywhere.

00:16:24.780 Like, you know, it was Massachusetts.

00:16:26.360 So I got an abortion there.

00:16:27.540 I think I got one in New Jersey too.

00:16:29.400 I had a couple of abortions with the same boyfriend each time.

00:16:33.180 It was the same guy.

00:16:34.400 But my parents were horrified by my behavior.

00:16:37.120 They were like, I was excited.

00:16:38.900 The first time I got pregnant, I'm like, this is great.

00:16:41.160 I'll have a baby.

00:16:42.120 Hopefully it will be twins.

00:16:43.360 Like, I can raise a family.

00:16:44.880 I had a black boyfriend.

00:16:46.400 I was like, Tyshawn.

00:16:47.360 Meanwhile, he ended up going to prison for 10 years for being a drug dealer.

00:16:50.120 Did he do it?

00:16:51.440 Was he a drug dealer?

00:16:52.340 Yeah.

00:16:52.780 Yeah.

00:16:53.360 Okay.

00:16:53.640 And so I was just that kind of teenager.

00:16:58.380 Really out of control.

00:16:59.900 Really rebellious.

00:17:01.560 My brother died when I was nine.

00:17:02.980 And then like after that period of time, I was just, I was rebellious.

00:17:08.460 Like mad, angry, and no outlet, you know?

00:17:11.620 And so I just did anything I could to piss my parents off, especially my father.

00:17:15.600 I had like a specific issue with him.

00:17:18.400 Yeah.

00:17:19.120 So.

00:17:19.740 Do you, you said earlier that maybe you felt like, like, do you feel like you turned into

00:17:23.820 your father though a little bit sometimes?

00:17:25.160 Do you ever think like that?

00:17:26.240 No, I'm the opposite of my father.

00:17:27.660 Oh, you are?

00:17:28.120 Oh, yeah.

00:17:28.500 My father was dishonest. 0.89

00:17:30.180 My father was a bit of a shyster.

00:17:31.860 I'm very honest.

00:17:33.300 I'm very truthful.

00:17:35.120 I'm very generous with money, with anything I have.

00:17:38.000 I want to help people.

00:17:39.540 He was very selfish.

00:17:41.620 He wouldn't give money away. 0.75

00:17:42.800 He would try to cheat people for money.

00:17:45.960 So he wasn't like a criminal.

00:17:48.260 Yeah.

00:17:48.600 But he wasn't morally bound to like being a good guy.

00:17:52.900 You know what I mean?

00:17:53.700 He was just a little, but he was also, you know, he was a family man.

00:17:57.880 He loved, we were never short on love.

00:17:59.940 There was neglect, but it wasn't like I felt unloved.

00:18:02.760 I just was very upset, A, that my brother died.

00:18:07.780 My father fell apart after that.

00:18:09.340 That was really upsetting.

00:18:10.340 So it was like two men in a row that just like ditched me.

00:18:13.660 And then after that, I just, I just was filled with anger and I didn't have any outlet.

00:18:19.480 I didn't have any therapy.

00:18:20.560 So I just became very rebellious.

00:18:22.680 But my brothers and sisters and my mother always knew I would be okay.

00:18:27.280 Like my mom's like just, my dad's name was Seymour.

00:18:30.020 And she's like, Seymour, he'd be like, something's wrong with her.

00:18:32.600 Something is wrong with her head.

00:18:34.520 And my mom would be like, she's okay.

00:18:36.840 She's just too smart for her own good. 1.00

00:18:38.620 Like she's a little kid.

00:18:39.600 She's trapped in this little kid body and she's like an adult. 0.74

00:18:42.760 And my dad's like, but I don't, he couldn't relate, you know?

00:18:46.020 And my mom would be like, she's going to be fine.

00:18:48.120 Like, you know, she's going to grow up and shake it out.

00:18:51.060 And, uh, and then once I started becoming successful and really turned my, like, you

00:18:56.480 know, that period was just my teenage years. 0.75

00:18:58.060 And then I got my shit together. 0.63

00:18:59.100 As soon as I left my family, I drove across country when I was 19. 0.55

00:19:04.280 And, um, uh, and I-

00:19:06.940 Alone or you took somebody with you?

00:19:08.020 I took, this is, well, this is a great story in my, I picked up this guy.

00:19:12.380 This is actually in my book, which I just found out is number one on the New York Times bestseller

00:19:15.680 list.

00:19:15.980 Let's go.

00:19:16.420 Congratulations.

00:19:17.280 Seventh book.

00:19:17.880 That's right.

00:19:18.300 So that's exciting.

00:19:19.060 So I know I can't, I didn't even go to college. 0.91

00:19:22.180 So, but that just shows you, you know, what you can accomplish if you really fucking focus

00:19:25.680 on something. 0.95

00:19:26.160 So I went across country.

00:19:29.320 My brother Glenn said, Hey, I was driving across country.

00:19:32.260 I was going to move to LA to become famous.

00:19:33.820 Okay.

00:19:34.340 And I was like, okay, this it's time.

00:19:36.060 I had gone to two semesters at community college.

00:19:38.280 I'm like, that's enough.

00:19:39.640 This is not a good use of anyone's time.

00:19:41.840 Like this is a waste of money.

00:19:43.600 I don't care about this.

00:19:45.140 I'm going to, I want to go to California.

00:19:47.780 So my brother Glenn called me and said, I met a guy at a bar last night and he's going

00:19:55.640 to drive with you across country since you're 19 and you're alone.

00:19:58.680 And my dad had given me one of his used Audi Quattros and he said, you shouldn't be driving

00:20:03.780 alone.

00:20:04.180 Right.

00:20:04.620 And I was like, okay, that's, that sounds reasonable.

00:20:07.240 So I picked up this guy.

00:20:08.720 He was like 26 or 27 years old.

00:20:10.660 He was the same size I was.

00:20:12.020 And he said, do you want to go to Harlem?

00:20:14.060 I want to pick up a bunch of cocaine.

00:20:15.900 Yeah, brother. 1.00

00:20:16.800 Let's fucking go. 0.99

00:20:17.820 And I was like, oh, I'm like, Harlem sounds fun. 0.99

00:20:20.260 A like I was never allowed to go to Harlem growing up.

00:20:22.660 You know, I go in the city, I'd go to like clubs in the limelight.

00:20:25.100 I never went to Harlem.

00:20:25.920 That was supposed to be really dangerous, but of course I wanted to go to Harlem.

00:20:29.260 So I was like, okay, I wasn't really into cocaine at the time.

00:20:32.280 I've definitely dabbled in cocaine, but at that time in my life, I was too young.

00:20:35.600 I didn't really.

00:20:36.720 So I go to Harlem.

00:20:38.200 I dropped this guy off from outside some crack house.

00:20:40.840 Right.

00:20:41.080 I'm sitting there.

00:20:41.740 This is my first night driving across country pit stop in Harlem.

00:20:46.740 He comes out with a bag of cocaine that I've only seen like in movies.

00:20:52.320 Like the amount of cocaine was like something you saw in Scarface.

00:20:56.000 Yeah, like a movie amount.

00:20:57.100 Yeah, exactly.

00:20:59.320 And I'm like, oh my God.

00:21:00.800 And then he just starts doing the cocaine while we're driving.

00:21:03.280 And we're driving through Maryland.

00:21:04.360 You know, there's three highways you can take across country.

00:21:06.240 We were, I think, taking the 66.

00:21:07.440 So that's the lowest, the most southerly route.

00:21:10.280 So we're driving along and this guy's doing lots of cocaine off of his keys, credit card.

00:21:14.200 And he's driving?

00:21:14.600 No, I'm driving and he's in the passenger seat.

00:21:17.040 And, you know, keep in mind the amount of cocaine.

00:21:18.980 I was like, oh, this doesn't seem right.

00:21:20.980 And is he reaching over and touching on you?

00:21:22.700 No, no, no.

00:21:23.140 Nothing like that.

00:21:23.860 Nothing like that.

00:21:24.640 I actually suspected he was gay.

00:21:26.280 He wasn't, he wasn't, it wasn't about that.

00:21:27.920 But we, he starts talking and doesn't stop talking.

00:21:32.840 And I, and we're five hours into this three-day road trip. 1.00

00:21:36.100 And I'm like, this guy is a fucking mess. 0.99

00:21:39.220 And then we're in Maryland and we're driving through, I think, D.C. 1.00

00:21:42.580 And there was all this construction and we get to Maryland.

00:21:45.540 And I was like, you know what?

00:21:46.880 We're going to go to like a Howard Johnson.

00:21:49.180 Let's get a room.

00:21:50.240 I was broke.

00:21:51.300 He was broke.

00:21:52.400 I said, let's just get a room.

00:21:53.760 We'll get a room with two beds.

00:21:55.480 We get in the room.

00:21:56.380 He's got maps, like multiple maps. 0.62

00:21:58.940 It was, this was before navigation and all that shit, right? 0.84

00:22:01.220 Oh, yeah. 0.96

00:22:01.480 It was like the year before all of that came out.

00:22:03.740 Yeah, when everybody was like, they were going to war or whatever.

00:22:05.880 Yeah, so there's maps.

00:22:07.500 And he's, but more than one map.

00:22:09.260 It's like, how many maps do you need to follow one highway across the country? 0.99

00:22:12.000 Like this fucking eight ball Magellan over here. 0.99

00:22:14.140 Yeah, totally. 1.00

00:22:15.440 Putting it all together.

00:22:16.220 See, I sent, it seemed.

00:22:17.420 How many maps?

00:22:18.180 Yeah.

00:22:18.540 I was like, what's up with the maps?

00:22:20.600 And then I was like, and he was like pointing out national parks that we could go to.

00:22:24.120 He's like, we could go here. 0.94

00:22:25.340 And I was like, hey, listen, Miracle Ear, we're not fucking on vacation. 0.90

00:22:29.020 I'm trying to get to California to become a celebrity. 0.99

00:22:32.220 I don't have time for your fucking Yellowstone National Park. 0.99

00:22:35.740 We're not going there. 0.99

00:22:36.720 Like, we're not retiring.

00:22:37.960 This is not our, we're not a couple.

00:22:40.460 And he didn't, it's like anything I said he couldn't hear because he was so coked up.

00:22:45.900 So I go to sleep.

00:22:47.740 I wake up in the morning.

00:22:48.860 This guy had been up all night long.

00:22:50.620 Yeah.

00:22:51.480 He had been doing coke all night.

00:22:52.740 And he looked like Gary Busey.

00:22:54.580 He was going on and on.

00:22:56.960 And I was like, okay.

00:22:57.940 I said, hold on a second.

00:22:59.380 His bag was still in the car because he didn't even bring it in beside because he wasn't going

00:23:03.120 to sleep.

00:23:03.880 I said, hold on.

00:23:04.980 I'll be right back.

00:23:05.760 I went to the parking lot.

00:23:07.140 I took his suitcase out of my car, put it down in the parking lot and got in the car and

00:23:12.340 drove away and drove across country by myself and left him in Maryland.

00:23:15.900 And the next thing I heard was that he had to take a taxi from Maryland to New Jersey for

00:23:21.280 five hours.

00:23:22.960 And, um, and then of course I called my brother to thank him for his great judgment and for

00:23:28.120 being such an overprotective brother.

00:23:29.780 Yeah.

00:23:30.420 Yeah.

00:23:30.680 To set somebody up with somebody like that, that's all geeked out. 0.99

00:23:33.420 Dude, I would have been fucking eating my own teeth, man. 0.99

00:23:35.700 Yeah. 0.99

00:23:35.980 So it's really annoying to be around someone who's on cocaine when you're not on cocaine.

00:23:40.660 And then in Amarillo, Texas, I got pulled over by a state trooper who had a German shepherd

00:23:45.600 with him, one of those drug dogs.

00:23:47.080 And the dog went absolutely batshit as soon as he came close to my trunk. 0.99

00:23:51.500 So the dog was jumping around fucking going crazy. 0.97

00:23:53.980 And I'm like, oh my God, I've got residue. 0.98

00:23:56.160 I've got Coke in the car. 0.99

00:23:57.480 I'm sure I'm going to go to fucking Texas state prison because of this wombat that I just 1.00

00:24:01.900 dropped off in Maryland. 0.99

00:24:03.680 So luckily I didn't get arrested.

00:24:05.520 They didn't find any cocaine, but it was very suspicious.

00:24:08.080 Like I'm sitting there on the freeway and trucks are whizzing past me.

00:24:12.420 And I'm like, and the cop's like, stand 20 feet away from the car.

00:24:15.520 And he's got one of those big state trooper hats on. 0.99

00:24:17.960 So that was a, that was a big shit show. 0.99

00:24:20.240 But it was a, it was a great example of knowing to get rid of dead weight. 0.99

00:24:24.460 You know what I mean?

00:24:25.340 Like I was like, I'm going to California.

00:24:27.540 You are not going to bring me down.

00:24:29.580 Get out of my car and get out of my life.

00:24:31.560 Yeah.

00:24:32.820 Dang.

00:24:33.760 Yeah.

00:24:34.160 I had one night in New York years ago.

00:24:35.680 I was a drive.

00:24:37.500 I was a taxi driver.

00:24:39.000 He gets some Coke.

00:24:40.480 I ended up driving the taxi where I was so high.

00:24:43.660 This was years ago.

00:24:45.080 You were a taxi driver?

00:24:46.580 He was.

00:24:47.420 He picked me up.

00:24:48.120 Oh, we both start doing cocaine together.

00:24:52.060 I saw Andy Cohen in the bathroom in the morning.

00:24:54.700 I was going on Opie and it wasn't Opie and Jim, Opie and Jim Norton the next morning.

00:25:00.800 And I get in there.

00:25:02.180 I was out of my brain.

00:25:03.560 I get in and I'd stayed up all night.

00:25:06.060 Um, God.

00:25:07.540 And I get in there and the other guest on the show that day was Daryl Strawberry, who

00:25:12.900 was sober.

00:25:13.620 He'd gone through cocaine.

00:25:15.060 Yeah.

00:25:15.800 Yeah.

00:25:16.520 And he, and I could barely even talk.

00:25:18.400 And I remember I was in the bathroom there peeing.

00:25:20.660 There I am right there on the right.

00:25:22.340 Just geeked out of my head.

00:25:23.720 Oh my God.

00:25:24.720 Oh my God.

00:25:25.260 You look so different.

00:25:27.360 First of all, Daryl Strawberry.

00:25:28.720 That was the 1986 Mets. 1.00

00:25:30.360 All those guys were on fucking Coke. 1.00

00:25:32.240 All of them. 1.00

00:25:33.020 Lenny Dykstra, Daryl Strawberry, Mookie Wilson, all of those guys.

00:25:37.420 God, I was definitely, I was spooky Wilson.

00:25:40.160 That is really funny.

00:25:41.940 I was playing third base for my own brain right there.

00:25:44.180 I wasn't doing real good.

00:25:45.200 I can't believe that athletes would do cocaine and then be athletic. 1.00

00:25:50.100 Like talk about a recipe for a fucking heart attack. 1.00

00:25:52.420 And they used to do it all the time. 1.00

00:25:53.580 How do you run for balls when you're on cocaine?

00:25:56.960 Like that's.

00:25:57.760 I think if you practice doing it some, I think you would get good at it.

00:26:00.740 Probably.

00:26:00.940 I think it's the.

00:26:02.580 I can't get on it.

00:26:04.020 Well, it's the sporadicness of not practicing and then just doing it willy nilly.

00:26:08.480 Like some guy who's playing for like his like refrigeration volley, you know, softball team.

00:26:13.420 Yeah, I guess.

00:26:13.980 That's when it's bad.

00:26:14.580 Yeah, maybe.

00:26:16.800 I'm high as a Georgia pine.

00:26:18.560 Oh yeah.

00:26:18.780 That was that.

00:26:19.280 There was that one guy that did LSD.

00:26:21.600 That's that would be good for sports.

00:26:23.380 I love LSD.

00:26:24.540 Yeah.

00:26:24.880 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:25.180 I love microdosing LSD to put some fucking pep in your step. 0.97

00:26:29.180 Like if you're really, really struggling and you're having like your schedule's crazy and insane, LSD is the thing. 0.98

00:26:35.440 I take LSD all the time.

00:26:37.240 Really?

00:26:37.820 I love it.

00:26:38.500 A microdose.

00:26:39.220 What is there a type of like.

00:26:40.440 So how much is a microdose of LSD?

00:26:42.400 I have a sheet of like 370 hits.

00:26:44.720 I get all my drugs in Canada.

00:26:46.020 I have a house in Whistler and drugs are legal there. 1.00

00:26:48.100 And they're it's like you don't have to worry about any fucked up shit in Canada. 0.99

00:26:51.920 My friends who make that like who put who I get that are doctors. 0.99

00:26:56.000 One's a therapist.

00:26:56.880 One's a neurobiologist.

00:26:58.020 They actually get the cleanest stuff.

00:27:00.120 Like they get MDMA and they'll put in capsules and you'll get a microdose of like 50 milligrams of MDMA, which is awesome because that's like just being in a good mood.

00:27:08.280 You know what I mean?

00:27:08.720 You're not over the top.

00:27:10.360 Right.

00:27:10.440 You're not licking people and stuff.

00:27:11.580 You're shaking hands and being normal.

00:27:12.880 And you're like, this is a great time.

00:27:14.120 I feel like dancing.

00:27:14.880 I like you.

00:27:15.700 You know, LSD, same thing.

00:27:17.460 Just an upper like a pick me up, you know, you're not hallucinating, but you're just like up like a kind of like a psilocybin like microdose.

00:27:25.020 So I find that stuff to be very helpful and aiding with my schedule.

00:27:28.840 You know, like I do a lot of talking.

00:27:30.600 I'm sure you feel the same way.

00:27:32.400 It's pretty much a ton of travel, a ton of talking and a ton of kind of expending energy.

00:27:39.420 You know what I mean?

00:27:40.220 And absorbing other people's energy.

00:27:42.160 Yeah. 0.98

00:27:42.320 So I want to be in a fucking high vibe mood. 0.99

00:27:44.760 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:45.080 You don't realize how much it is.

00:27:46.300 You don't realize like I would do meet and greets after shows for like years, just go out there for just and just do them.

00:27:51.340 And it just like I had like a breakdown a couple of years ago.

00:27:54.500 I just was completely burnt.

00:27:56.080 And I just kept doing it.

00:27:57.420 I thought I wasn't working hard enough.

00:27:59.160 That was my own take of it.

00:28:00.240 I was like, oh, you're just not working hard enough.

00:28:01.760 But I didn't realize that I just burned myself to like the end of the bowl.

00:28:05.060 You know?

00:28:05.540 Oh, absolutely.

00:28:06.640 Yeah.

00:28:06.820 Those meet and greets will get you.

00:28:08.080 Did you ever have a time where you got pretty burnt out?

00:28:10.460 I mean, you've had a pretty – I mean, you've had an insane schedule for probably 25 years except for when you've taken breaks.

00:28:15.460 Yeah.

00:28:15.760 I took a six-year break after Chelsea Lately and after – like I didn't do stand-up for six years.

00:28:21.620 That was the biggest break I've taken.

00:28:24.740 But I was – I just went so hard, you know, at both ends.

00:28:28.400 I was touring.

00:28:29.540 I was doing my show.

00:28:30.540 I was writing books just constantly.

00:28:32.900 And I loved the idea that I had this amount of energy. 0.82

00:28:35.360 I loved when people were like, how the fuck does she fly in Monday morning, tape four shows, and then go do five shows in a weekend? 1.00

00:28:41.420 And I loved that adulation. 0.99

00:28:43.500 Like I got addicted to like the fact that I was that strong of a horse.

00:28:47.840 You know what I mean?

00:28:48.520 Yeah.

00:28:49.160 And then I went – as I left Chelsea Lately, I was like – I was so over just working.

00:28:54.120 But then I got roped in – not roped in.

00:28:56.460 Netflix made me a really amazing offer.

00:28:58.440 I thought I was going to take a break.

00:28:59.640 You did a ton of episodes of that too.

00:29:01.160 I did.

00:29:01.680 Yeah.

00:29:01.900 First, I did documentaries.

00:29:03.160 I did a documentary series.

00:29:04.320 So that was kind of a break because that was a lighter schedule.

00:29:07.000 And then I went into that show.

00:29:08.340 And then that show never really – like I went back to work before I was ready to go back to work.

00:29:12.220 So that show never really felt like I was in my right, you know, zone, like in my flow state. 0.93

00:29:18.920 So that show was like an example of don't just fucking work because someone's offering you a job. 0.94

00:29:25.640 You know what I mean? 0.97

00:29:26.160 You got to have your ducks in a row and understand when you need time off, when you don't.

00:29:30.260 And without the time off, there is no creativity. 0.97

00:29:32.740 I need the time off to be able to like have something to fucking say. 0.73

00:29:35.840 So now since I've been back to stand-up after that six-year break, this will be my probably fourth, third special in like four years. 0.96

00:29:44.020 And so I'm into it now.

00:29:45.660 I'm back into it because I do have something to say now, you know. 0.97

00:29:48.980 But it's important like when you are creative and you are like sharing for a living, like talking, you know, sometimes you're out of fucking gas.

00:29:58.100 And the breaks are as important as the work. 0.54

00:30:00.820 Yeah.

00:30:01.340 That's been a tough thing to learn because especially when you're so self-motivated and you've done –

00:30:05.600 you like have always been like, I can do this.

00:30:07.700 I'll figure it out.

00:30:08.740 I'll find a way.

00:30:10.020 It's really hard to start to use the breaks, you know, and use them to your own advantage.

00:30:15.780 Also, you're so – you want to grab everything when you can grab it, you know.

00:30:19.620 It's like, oh, wait, I get this offer.

00:30:21.240 I can't say no to this.

00:30:22.180 This is a – I'm going to be even more successful.

00:30:24.020 I'm going to da-da-da. 0.99

00:30:24.680 And there's an addiction component to that.

00:30:26.620 And you're like, well, wait a second.

00:30:28.080 You can say no to things.

00:30:29.280 Things come back around.

00:30:30.720 You have to like – it takes a while to get to know what you're capable of and what you're not

00:30:34.600 and what's going to like deplete your energy because, you know, when you're pissed

00:30:38.260 and you're burnt out, you're no good, you know, to anybody, especially yourself.

00:30:44.200 So it's hard when we're in this business because it's like you can feel like feast or famine.

00:30:49.100 You can be like, oh, my God, I'm getting all these opportunities.

00:30:51.340 And I've certainly had times in my life where I wasn't getting a lot of opportunities. 1.00

00:30:54.600 And I'm like, well, fuck. 0.98

00:30:55.740 Why aren't I doing that? 1.00

00:30:56.600 And it's like, well, because your attitude sucks, you know, 0.98

00:30:59.280 because you didn't take good care of yourself and now you're pissed and now you're bitter. 0.98

00:31:02.000 You got to get back to being happy and magnetic and, like, attracting good stuff.

00:31:06.340 And then you get good stuff.

00:31:08.080 So it really is about, like, adjusting your attitude, being grateful. 0.98

00:31:12.460 You have to be fucking grateful. 0.93

00:31:13.900 As corny as that can seem to certain people, you have to be grateful at the opportunities 0.97

00:31:17.700 that are coming your way. 0.99

00:31:18.880 And you also have to be a fucking pro. 0.99

00:31:21.640 Like, you know, like you're not going to knock me down. 1.00

00:31:24.160 I'm a pro.

00:31:24.920 Like, you can't get to me now.

00:31:26.480 Because of so many years of knowing myself and understanding what my limits are

00:31:31.740 and where I'm going to excel and where I'm going to, like, you know, not excel.

00:31:35.820 Yeah. 0.99

00:31:36.820 Damn. 0.99

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00:35:08.980 You've had a good experience with drugs over the years, you know?

00:35:15.620 I mean, you've talked about drinking over the years.

00:35:18.320 You talked about using LSD a little bit ago.

00:35:20.920 Did you ever have a time where you went sober?

00:35:23.160 You tried it?

00:35:23.760 Like, did you ever try recovery meetings?

00:35:25.160 Did you ever try that kind of stuff?

00:35:25.980 No.

00:35:26.440 No, no, no, no.

00:35:27.220 I've been, you know...

00:35:28.540 Have you ever been interventioned or whatever?

00:35:30.140 No.

00:35:30.700 Jane Fonda, this is a story I write about in my book, which is Jane Fonda once called me

00:35:35.220 over to her house and I had been to her birthday party and I was out of my mind.

00:35:39.760 I don't remember what drugs I was on.

00:35:41.020 It could have been anything.

00:35:42.120 And I was rude.

00:35:43.040 I was dark.

00:35:44.140 I was like, you know, insulting people.

00:35:46.620 And she had given me the cold shoulder for a couple of months and she summoned me to

00:35:52.420 my house, her house, basically said, I want to have dinner with you.

00:35:55.880 And I was like, what's this?

00:35:58.400 This seems a little stern, this email, but it's Jane Fonda, who I respect.

00:36:02.860 And I was like, okay.

00:36:04.480 And I went to her house and she basically read me and was like, you were terrible at my party.

00:36:09.020 You offended people.

00:36:10.020 People were like, not happy about what you said to them and you were dark and moody.

00:36:16.800 And why would you ever come out when you were in that kind of headspace? 1.00

00:36:20.180 And I was like, like, I was like, fuck, shit, fuck, shit. 1.00

00:36:26.540 And mortified, mortified. 1.00

00:36:29.580 But at the same time, I was also so grateful that she fucking took the time to be honest 0.98

00:36:35.620 with me to have a difficult... 0.96

00:36:36.840 Most people don't go out of their way to have a difficult conversation with someone and

00:36:41.000 tell them the truth.

00:36:41.840 Like, to me, that was an example of sisterhood, you know?

00:36:45.160 Like, that was her being a sister.

00:36:47.220 And when I was writing my book, it was like one of the tentpoles of my book is like, I 0.99

00:36:54.540 want all women to be fucking sisters to each other, you know? 0.98

00:36:57.900 It's like, this book is for girls and daughters and girlfriends and mothers, you know? 0.99

00:37:01.980 Like, to remind each other, like, you got to tell people the truth, you know?

00:37:06.500 You've got to be honest with people.

00:37:07.820 If someone's going through a bad time and they're close to you and they're important

00:37:10.420 to you, and even for me as a woman, it doesn't matter if they're close to me.

00:37:13.820 It matters that I'm a woman, you're a woman, I've got your back, I'm going to tell you

00:37:16.400 the truth.

00:37:17.300 And I would do that for a stranger.

00:37:18.820 So for her to do that and I kind of, like, modeled that to me, that conversation, and

00:37:26.560 I was like, that's the kind of woman I'm going to be.

00:37:31.020 Like, I'm going to tell people the truth, you know?

00:37:33.240 So I value that.

00:37:34.600 Obviously, now we're many years beyond that, and she and I are still friends, and she knows

00:37:39.200 about the book because she had to sign off on it.

00:37:41.640 But, yeah, like, I liked it, and I'm glad I had enough wherewithal when she was telling

00:37:48.720 me about my bad behavior that I wasn't defensive.

00:37:53.440 Wow.

00:37:53.680 I wasn't like, woo, woo, woo, woo, it was this person or blame.

00:37:56.460 I just took it on and said, you're absolutely right.

00:37:59.400 I'm so sorry.

00:38:00.580 You'll never have to speak to me again.

00:38:02.360 So that was the closest thing to an intervention, but I've definitely overused drugs and alcohol

00:38:06.960 at certain times in my life.

00:38:08.420 Yeah.

00:38:08.660 But once I got the message, I dialed it back.

00:38:10.860 You know, you got to sometimes, I don't ever want to have to give anything up.

00:38:15.080 So if there's ever an issue, I reel it in.

00:38:19.040 You know, if there's ever been an issue, I always am like, okay, take a month off of

00:38:23.760 this, get grounded again, and, you know, don't smoke cigarettes, don't smoke pot, don't drink,

00:38:28.820 whatever it is that I'm having an issue with.

00:38:30.880 Yeah.

00:38:31.460 Yeah.

00:38:32.560 Did, um, did you, what was the first concert that you ever went to?

00:38:36.600 Do you remember going to that?

00:38:37.820 John Bon Jovi.

00:38:38.720 I'm from New Jersey.

00:38:39.440 God, dude, my first song I ever heard, a lady took me to YMCA summer camp, right?

00:38:46.100 I don't remember if she had breasts or not, but I think she did, right?

00:38:49.980 And I remember.

00:38:50.740 I bet she did have breasts. 1.00

00:38:51.880 I bet she did. 0.95

00:38:52.580 So she sounds like she had breasts. 1.00

00:38:53.860 I bet she did. 0.93

00:38:55.240 And I'll say this, we got in the car and I'd never had a woman drive me somewhere before.

00:38:59.520 So it was my first time.

00:39:00.660 Like, I think I remember it so deeply because it was like my first time going somewhere with

00:39:05.040 a girl that wasn't my mom.

00:39:06.280 Right.

00:39:06.480 And what do you mean you've never had a girl drive you?

00:39:09.340 What are you from North Korea?

00:39:10.480 What are you talking about?

00:39:11.100 No, I just mean.

00:39:12.220 You had never been driven by her.

00:39:13.700 I was a child.

00:39:15.200 No woman. 1.00

00:39:16.020 Yeah.

00:39:16.100 We didn't know.

00:39:16.620 My mom didn't have any for like, we didn't.

00:39:18.300 How old were you?

00:39:19.180 I was probably nine or something or maybe 11.

00:39:22.640 It wasn't like last week or anything.

00:39:24.700 Yeah.

00:39:25.020 I was like nine or 11 and she leaned over and she put my seatbelt on me and I was like,

00:39:29.220 oh, this is crazy, dude.

00:39:31.240 And it was like, I think, you know, I think when you're a kid like that and she played,

00:39:36.560 um, Johnny used to work on the docks.

00:39:40.420 Yeah.

00:39:40.560 Yeah.

00:39:40.860 Yeah.

00:39:41.100 Yeah.

00:39:41.280 Yeah.

00:39:41.660 And I just was like, play it again.

00:39:43.220 Play it again.

00:39:44.320 Oh yeah.

00:39:44.960 Anyway, I just, yeah.

00:39:45.920 I've never been to Bon Jovi, but I just remember.

00:39:48.400 John Bon Jovi inducted me into the Jersey Hall of Fame. 0.99

00:39:51.120 No fucking way, dude. 0.99

00:39:52.540 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:52.840 Who has better hair you think right now? 0.89

00:39:54.420 Pull him up.

00:39:54.960 You or John Bon Jovi?

00:39:56.080 You or JBJ?

00:39:57.260 Oh.

00:39:57.580 Well, his hair is different now.

00:39:59.880 Yeah.

00:40:00.100 Yeah.

00:40:00.240 His hair is different now.

00:40:01.260 But his face when he was younger, I mean, he's still pretty hot, but his face when he 0.94

00:40:05.400 was younger was just fucking so hot. 0.97

00:40:07.320 Look at him. 0.99

00:40:07.880 Look how hot he is.

00:40:09.300 Did you try to make a move on him or no?

00:40:11.140 Um, when, when I went to his concert, I mean, I was like 16 years old.

00:40:15.440 Whenever he inducted you.

00:40:16.000 Oh no.

00:40:16.700 It was like a video message.

00:40:18.040 It wasn't like we were together.

00:40:19.360 It was during COVID.

00:40:20.320 Yeah.

00:40:20.740 So no.

00:40:21.300 I've met him though.

00:40:22.080 I've hung out with him.

00:40:22.840 He's a nice guy.

00:40:23.800 He's happily married.

00:40:24.780 I try not to hit on married men, you know?

00:40:26.640 Yeah.

00:40:26.880 Just out of respect for marriage.

00:40:31.040 I think that's important.

00:40:33.300 Um, what is, um, are you still dating a lot of brothers?

00:40:36.640 I see you brought a brother here today. 0.87

00:40:38.080 My black, this is my black lover.

00:40:39.820 Um, am I still, no, I haven't, I haven't had a brother or boyfriend.

00:40:42.360 Cause I know that was a thing, you know?

00:40:43.780 Well, yeah.

00:40:44.300 Is that offensive to ask you too?

00:40:45.480 I'm sorry.

00:40:45.920 No, it's not offensive.

00:40:47.160 I mean, I do.

00:40:47.820 I like all men.

00:40:48.600 It doesn't matter if they're black or brown or white or gray.

00:40:51.680 I like old men. 0.99

00:40:53.140 I like young men.

00:40:53.980 I like black guys.

00:40:55.060 I've never dated an Indian guy.

00:40:56.980 That's pretty much the only thing area I haven't delved into.

00:40:59.440 Yeah.

00:41:00.040 But Asian, Joe Coy was Asian. 0.79

00:41:01.880 Yeah.

00:41:02.380 I think Joe Coy, you called Joe Coy once.

00:41:05.460 Yes.

00:41:05.760 And you gave me some advice actually.

00:41:06.860 Yeah, we were trying to figure out your poster for your Netflix special and Joe Coy and I

00:41:11.400 were in New York city, I think.

00:41:12.860 And you called him.

00:41:13.820 Thank you.

00:41:14.400 Yeah.

00:41:15.000 You know what?

00:41:15.620 I forgot about that.

00:41:16.700 I thought I'd remembered it before, but I forgot about it recently, but thank you for that.

00:41:20.020 Yeah.

00:41:20.260 I said, which one?

00:41:21.280 And you said, this is the one because you want people to notice it and think about it.

00:41:25.100 And you were, that's the one I ended up choosing.

00:41:27.160 Oh, great.

00:41:27.640 I love that.

00:41:28.240 But that's, and that's probably the same thing.

00:41:30.760 I was kind of thinking about it.

00:41:31.620 I just wasn't sure.

00:41:32.380 So thank you.

00:41:32.980 Oh yeah.

00:41:33.560 Yeah.

00:41:33.800 That was nice of you.

00:41:34.400 Are you good friends with Joe Coy?

00:41:35.660 We're good buddies.

00:41:36.520 I think we're not like super close.

00:41:37.940 We don't talk all the time, but he has, he's just always supportive.

00:41:42.380 Yeah.

00:41:42.620 Yeah.

00:41:43.020 He's a real supportive guy.

00:41:44.760 He's so full of supportive and Filipinos are like that.

00:41:47.620 I'm not trying to generalize Filipinos, but first of all, Filipinos are some of the last 1.00

00:41:51.720 people that most people see when they're dying, right?

00:41:53.860 Because they are hospice.

00:41:55.200 They work in hospice.

00:41:56.100 So a lot of times the last person you'll see when you die is a Filipino.

00:42:00.680 So it's crazy.

00:42:01.600 You'll have like, some people might be racist, but then they're just, just gleaming into

00:42:06.140 the eyes of a warm Filipino as they cross over.

00:42:08.660 Filipinos are very good at caretaking and our hospitals are filled with them. 1.00

00:42:12.700 Thank God.

00:42:13.500 Yeah.

00:42:13.740 Yeah.

00:42:14.500 But Joe Coy, you typically isn't the last person you see when you die.

00:42:17.760 There are other Filipinos.

00:42:18.760 I don't want people to think that it's only Joe Coy.

00:42:21.220 There are other Filipinos out there that you will run into.

00:42:23.960 Yeah.

00:42:24.500 Unless he starts working in a hospital.

00:42:26.460 Which he could though.

00:42:27.900 He could.

00:42:28.520 He stays busy.

00:42:29.680 A lot of Filipinos too have good names like Sonny or Grace.

00:42:33.700 You know, they even get like a very happy American like branch of their name.

00:42:37.920 That's true.

00:42:38.360 Right.

00:42:38.640 Yeah.

00:42:39.280 I would love to be Filipino.

00:42:40.560 I've said this before.

00:42:41.320 I think if God is willing to let me do it again or whatever, I would like to do Filipino.

00:42:46.200 What is it?

00:42:46.700 Yeah, I do Filipino or Mexican.

00:42:47.780 What about, do you like, what is it about the food?

00:42:50.300 Is it about the culture?

00:42:51.160 Just the joy.

00:42:52.180 Joy. 0.99

00:42:52.500 I think the sheer, just living, just like looking at a living fucking Easter every time 0.99

00:42:57.660 you see a Filipino. 0.99

00:42:59.460 They're just, they're just like, it's just like, they're just seem so good on the inside.

00:43:05.020 And then Mexican, I just think I'm ready for it. 1.00

00:43:09.040 And then after.

00:43:09.780 I can see you being Mexican.

00:43:11.120 Thank you.

00:43:11.560 Yeah, you're welcome.

00:43:12.440 Yeah. 0.96

00:43:12.680 And then after that, I would go black. 0.95

00:43:13.940 I would probably go black after that. 0.70

00:43:15.140 I'm going to let it kind of pan out a little more.

00:43:17.080 And then I would get over there and do that for sure.

00:43:19.240 If they would have me, I think you almost have to like apply like.

00:43:21.880 To be a Filipino or Mexican? 0.94

00:43:23.340 To be black. 0.93

00:43:23.940 They don't want everybody. 0.97

00:43:24.920 Oh, no, no.

00:43:25.360 Cat Williams is like, let's, we're a little bit particular about, you know, not particular,

00:43:29.940 but don't just come over here without kind of talking to us about it first.

00:43:34.120 No, I hear that.

00:43:35.500 Yeah, I hear that.

00:43:36.400 Did you hear them talking about black men?

00:43:38.100 Is that why you're up?

00:43:39.240 That's kind of what he employed.

00:43:42.800 Yeah.

00:43:43.100 After having dated black men, what, what suggestions would you offer to white men?

00:43:49.240 Is there any way to like correlate any of that?

00:43:52.020 Black men in general, and this is a generalization, seem to appreciate women like me more than white men.

00:44:02.640 There seems to be a disconnect between strong, powerful white men and strong, powerful white women. 0.98

00:44:09.200 There feels like I'm a lot, I'm a lot of woman.

00:44:12.700 I say what I want to say.

00:44:14.020 I do what I want to do.

00:44:15.040 And that, for some reason, threatens a lot of men.

00:44:17.520 There's a certain type of men that don't like that.

00:44:19.500 They think I'm too loud or I'm too brass or, but I'm just acting like a man.

00:44:24.060 You know, I'm not acting like anything.

00:44:26.300 I'm acting like myself.

00:44:27.340 And it's similar to what a man would do and which would be fine. 0.69

00:44:31.460 And there's something about black men that like that.

00:44:34.220 They think that's cute. 0.99

00:44:35.500 And they're turned on by my outrageousness or the fact that I don't give a fuck or that I want, you know, that I'll say the thing. 0.99

00:44:42.200 And so I like that. 0.98

00:44:43.560 So there doesn't feel like such an imbalance.

00:44:45.720 There's definitely like a cultural thing where black men, it kind of, it feels like they appreciate that kind of thing more.

00:44:52.000 And so that's attractive, you know?

00:44:54.400 Yeah.

00:44:54.880 Yeah. 0.94

00:44:55.120 As a woman, you want to be desired and you want men who want to have sex with you and are like turned on by your strength, not emasculated by your strength. 0.95

00:45:04.860 You know, like my, my strengths shouldn't make you feel weak.

00:45:10.540 It should make you feel strong.

00:45:12.320 Right.

00:45:12.660 That's how I think.

00:45:13.920 Like I want men to feel strong around me, not weak.

00:45:17.060 Right.

00:45:17.440 Right.

00:45:17.880 Like look at my strong woman here. 0.98

00:45:19.820 Yeah, look, I'm, look how strong, I have a strong woman. 1.00

00:45:22.760 That means I'm a strong man, that I'm confident that I have my ego in check.

00:45:26.800 But there's a lot of men that think they want a woman like that is outspoken and sure of herself and successful.

00:45:33.480 But then when it comes down to it, they have a lot of hard, they have a hard time with it.

00:45:37.580 Because I think in my experience with men, when they realize that you don't need really anything from, like I don't need your money.

00:45:47.500 I don't need your gifts.

00:45:48.580 I don't want gifts.

00:45:49.920 I don't want jewelry.

00:45:50.800 I'm not like that.

00:45:51.460 I'm not interested in that stuff.

00:45:52.580 Yeah, I don't want to pretend I like something you got me.

00:45:54.500 Yeah, I'm not interested in like that kind of showiness.

00:45:57.600 I don't need, I don't really need anything except I want a decent, honest, good man who's not, doesn't have a huge ego that can deal with the fact that I'm going to be in the public eye and that I'm going to get attention.

00:46:09.540 Like I want someone who can deal with that.

00:46:12.240 So a lot of men think that they're down for that.

00:46:16.280 And then when it comes down to it, they're not down.

00:46:18.960 Yeah.

00:46:19.600 Yeah.

00:46:20.260 Dang.

00:46:20.660 Yeah, that seems like a lot.

00:46:23.620 Do you have a girlfriend?

00:46:24.500 I don't have a girlfriend right now.

00:46:25.480 I would like to get married. 0.99

00:46:27.280 You know, next couple of years I got to get fucking married because. 0.99

00:46:30.120 Really? 0.99

00:46:30.540 Yeah, it just gets weird I think.

00:46:35.120 It gets a little weird.

00:46:36.300 As a comic or as a man?

00:46:38.080 Just I think as when people are like, what are you still doing?

00:46:40.540 What do you do?

00:46:41.140 Are you.

00:46:41.620 How old are you?

00:46:42.440 I'm 44.

00:46:43.140 So it gets weird for a couple reasons.

00:46:44.360 For one, it gets weird that.

00:46:47.120 Well, you have neat things that have happened in your life, even if it's just like a nice day or something.

00:46:50.840 And then at the end of the day, it's just you again.

00:46:53.160 Right.

00:46:53.440 Which is OK.

00:46:54.640 But some of you it's like, oh, well, this would be cool if I had somebody to share it with.

00:46:58.140 To share it with.

00:46:58.820 Right.

00:46:59.980 So that's one thing that I start to notice.

00:47:03.500 The second thing is, is, yeah, it's like, do I want to have children?

00:47:06.620 Why?

00:47:06.980 And then if I do, why do I want to have children?

00:47:10.220 Why do you want to have children?

00:47:11.580 That's the best question is, yeah, why do I want to?

00:47:14.000 I think I fear sometimes like maybe I would be missing out on some like another.

00:47:21.100 Almost like a not a drug trip in a way, but another level, a bit of another level, maybe. 0.94

00:47:27.140 But also like I have a big imagination and I got a couple of fucking levels going on here. 0.85

00:47:31.760 I mean, I have today. 0.93

00:47:33.160 I feel like, you know, there's times I feel like a kid and an adult at the same time.

00:47:35.720 So it's like, you know, maybe I got enough of that and being an uncle is fine.

00:47:40.100 You know, I don't know.

00:47:40.940 But those are kind of some things that I think about it.

00:47:42.720 And then, yeah, if I could take care of and help provide for kids in a healthy way and give kids a good life, then do I owe that to society?

00:47:54.000 Do I owe that to myself or do I owe that to them?

00:47:56.200 You know, and that's stuff that I think about, I think.

00:47:58.400 Hmm, interesting.

00:48:00.200 Yeah, that reminds me of like I had this conversation with someone the other night.

00:48:04.080 Oh, yeah.

00:48:07.080 This I had this shoulder infection.

00:48:09.740 So I had this.

00:48:10.600 I'm going to move this down just a minute.

00:48:11.740 Yeah.

00:48:12.260 I just had this PICC line in my arm where I had to get these like 24 hour infusion.

00:48:16.140 Every 24 hours I had to get an infusion in my arm.

00:48:18.500 And I had this Filipino nurse, male nurse who was coming to my house to give me these injections.

00:48:23.560 Right.

00:48:23.960 And so I was in kind of a bad, bad shape for Rocky or something like that.

00:48:27.380 Something that's Rocky is the man.

00:48:28.720 But go on.

00:48:29.140 Sorry.

00:48:29.360 Yeah.

00:48:29.500 No, I don't know if his name was Rocky, but he said he said to me and on our last visit, he said, hey, I just want to let you know, you seem like a really joyful, energetic person.

00:48:41.880 And I almost had a near death experience as well.

00:48:45.780 I didn't even know that I had had a near death experience.

00:48:48.100 I had an infection.

00:48:48.840 I had to get surgery on my shoulder for this like staph infection or something that I had.

00:48:52.340 And I didn't consider it a near death experience.

00:48:55.900 But he said, I almost had a near death experience, too.

00:48:58.760 And I was almost in a car accident.

00:49:01.800 And I don't like when people say stuff like almost in a car accident.

00:49:05.140 Either you were or you weren't. 0.98

00:49:06.200 And if you weren't, don't fucking bring it up. 0.96

00:49:07.940 You know, like almost is nothing. 0.97

00:49:09.940 So the guy was like, oh.

00:49:11.620 Like when it's almost my birthday.

00:49:13.020 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:49:13.580 Or your half birthday.

00:49:15.400 I honestly don't want to hear about that.

00:49:16.520 So he said these two cars were like coming close to each other and they were like careening towards each other and that they were going to hit.

00:49:24.040 And he at the last minute, the cars just by an act of God or providence, the cars split open and they both moved in different directions.

00:49:32.840 And he goes, it didn't make any sense.

00:49:34.460 And I was OK.

00:49:35.740 And I'm like, so, again, you were not in a car accident.

00:49:37.860 But he said, because of that moment, I started to believe in divine intervention and I found Jesus.

00:49:46.600 And I'm looking at this guy.

00:49:47.760 I'm in my bed, in my house, right? 0.99

00:49:49.580 You know, I've got a fucking arm. 0.99

00:49:51.660 I'm a mess. 0.99

00:49:53.680 And he said, and I feel like I never experienced – there was a level of joy that I had never experienced before I found Jesus.

00:50:02.060 And to me, it seems to me like you would appreciate that level of joy.

00:50:08.340 And it took me a minute to realize I was being pitched, you know, in my house about religion.

00:50:13.060 And then I had to tell him like, oh, oh, oh, I just want you to know I have already accepted that the level of joy associated with finding Jesus is something I will never experience.

00:50:25.000 Like I've already accepted that.

00:50:27.020 That I – my joyful is already topped out.

00:50:30.280 This is as high as I'm going to go.

00:50:32.120 I'm not going to break the ceiling.

00:50:34.240 So – but that's in relation to you talking about children and knowing that there might be a feeling you might not experience without having them, which is something I deal with all the time because I don't have children and people like to go at me for that.

00:50:48.440 Like, you're a woman. 0.95

00:50:49.280 How could you do that?

00:50:50.040 It's like, how could I do it?

00:50:50.960 Because I don't think I'd be that good at it.

00:50:53.100 But it's definitely something that I've learned to accept.

00:50:55.720 Like when you say that, I've also accepted, yes, I won't know that joy.

00:50:59.360 There are other joys that I've experienced, but I will not know the joy of being a mother.

00:51:03.780 So I can relate to what you're saying about the thought of thinking about that joy.

00:51:09.020 Yeah, and there's certain things that I like.

00:51:10.820 And then it's like, yeah, like a lot of my life is always about me.

00:51:14.260 I think with comedians, you get like that, you know.

00:51:16.400 That's why you end up in comedy because you're kind of the boss and the employee, you know.

00:51:19.940 You're going on stage with a microphone alone so no one else can talk except for you.

00:51:27.160 And no one else is responsible for it except for you.

00:51:29.040 It's like I don't want – I want to be responsible for myself.

00:51:33.340 I just – I never could – you know, I think it goes back to just that being in a place where it was like, what am I doing here?

00:51:39.280 I don't even have an employee ID. 0.94

00:51:40.920 There's no fucking hours on the wall. 0.98

00:51:42.460 There's no wage union. 0.99

00:51:43.820 I have to be here every day. 0.99

00:51:45.440 This family didn't even make any fucking sense. 0.99

00:51:47.480 Who would put this together? 0.99

00:51:48.560 Can I talk to the boss?

00:51:49.600 There is no boss who's the superior.

00:51:51.340 But I had to – it was like – so I never wanted anything to have any like jurisdiction over me except for me, right?

00:51:59.220 But then sometimes for me like it starts to be like, well, how much of that is like old stuff that I had and how much of – which has served me well because it helps me be self-motivated.

00:52:08.160 But it's been hard for me to like work with others and so that's been like a learning curve.

00:52:11.960 But yeah, at a certain point, does that kind of hinder me?

00:52:13.940 Or has – have I gotten other neat joys out of the world like getting to experience like people coming out to a big show or something like that and maybe those are the joys that I'll get instead of having a family.

00:52:25.200 Not in a bad way.

00:52:26.380 Yeah.

00:52:26.660 And just trying to gauge like could I do it – do I think I would do it well and being honest with yourself.

00:52:31.700 It's interesting to talk about not having a boss because that's my whole career too.

00:52:36.020 Like I don't –

00:52:36.620 Oh, yeah.

00:52:36.960 You seemed –

00:52:37.700 I don't really appreciate being told what to do by anyone.

00:52:40.700 You know, I'm also not interested in the feedback.

00:52:42.740 It's like if it's not working for you, that's fine.

00:52:45.600 You don't have to pay attention to what I'm doing.

00:52:47.100 It's working for me.

00:52:48.040 Like I'm having a blast.

00:52:49.660 So – but it's interesting when you say that because it is true.

00:52:53.080 When you are in this business and you are a comedian, like if I hadn't taken the path of becoming a stand-up comedian, everything starts to be created around you rather than you being placed in a role and you're a person in a cast.

00:53:03.840 You become the epicenter of all the stories, you know, whether it's your podcast, you're writing books or you're doing stand-up or any of these things.

00:53:10.800 It's like you're a one-man show and I think there's a lot of power in that and it's nice to be able to also do the other thing and work with other people and play nicely.

00:53:20.040 But it's much more attractive to be your own decision maker, you know.

00:53:25.760 It's much more attractive to be your own entity, I think.

00:53:30.000 Well, comedy was something that was pure to me.

00:53:31.560 There was a lot I think I didn't trust in the world, I didn't trust this, I didn't know about any of that. 0.98

00:53:35.120 But if comedy, if you could fucking put an arrow through sometimes and get people to laugh, even people that didn't like you, if they were angry, people that fucking – they might have been your parents and fucking hated you. 0.95

00:53:44.360 But if you could fucking snipe them with an arrow just to get them, even in all their discomfort or whatever, to get them to fucking laugh, it felt like, oh, that's the only thing that's – to me it just felt so real. 0.98

00:53:57.140 Like, and nobody could cheat it, nobody's dad could put them on stage and say, oh, I'm famous, my son is going to be great. 0.99

00:54:03.680 You know, it was like there wasn't any nepotism in it.

00:54:06.060 I don't know.

00:54:06.540 No, I hear you.

00:54:07.440 I don't know.

00:54:07.740 I'm not trying to, like, get into any Debbie Downership, but, yeah, I don't know.

00:54:11.220 That's kind of why I think I ended up in this place.

00:54:13.240 But it also changes.

00:54:14.200 Like, you know, as your career grows and evolves and, like, you're 44, you've been doing this for, what, 20 years, more?

00:54:20.540 Yeah, 20.

00:54:21.740 Yeah, like things change over time and then you start to realize, okay, there's another itch I want to scratch.

00:54:26.480 There's another thing I want to do.

00:54:27.940 Like, and you – excuse me.

00:54:30.960 Come here, Dougie.

00:54:32.800 Come over here.

00:54:34.760 Come here, honey.

00:54:35.820 It's so funny we have two dogs in here today, both chows.

00:54:38.820 I used to live with a chow in Arizona for a bit. 0.98

00:54:40.780 It's so funny that, yeah, that the – what color was that other chow?

00:54:44.800 Oh, and this was a Chinese guy.

00:54:46.240 It was a roommate.

00:54:46.820 It was a guy who was already living in the room when I got there.

00:54:48.780 No, the one that came today.

00:54:49.880 What color was it?

00:54:50.320 Oh, that one was brown, light brown. 0.99

00:54:52.880 Yeah, you're a big black baby. 1.00

00:54:55.100 They said when I got this chow, they're like – I called the chow rescue. 1.00

00:54:57.860 One of my dogs was going downhill, so I was like, it's time to regroup and, you know, buckle up so that when this dog dies, I have a new dog.

00:55:05.680 And – oh, is that the dog that was here?

00:55:07.880 Yep.

00:55:08.420 Oh, that's a chow mix, right? 1.00

00:55:10.360 Yeah, that's a chow main, I think it's called or something.

00:55:12.560 A chow main. 0.99

00:55:13.620 Oh, look at that little baby in the middle. 1.00

00:55:16.080 That's Hassan Piker right there, dude.

00:55:17.980 Fascinating guy.

00:55:19.160 Kaya, that's that dog's name.

00:55:20.260 It's its birthday today too.

00:55:21.900 Happy birthday to that dog then.

00:55:25.080 I don't remember what we were talking about.

00:55:27.220 That's okay.

00:55:27.900 Yeah.

00:55:29.600 Do you think – oh, this is one more question I had about like how comedians feel and stuff.

00:55:32.920 Do you think like it's hard for comedians to be like – like accept – like I have a tough time sometimes accepting compliments from people.

00:55:42.140 Did you ever feel like that?

00:55:42.940 Yeah, totally.

00:55:43.980 Do you have any insight like on what that kind of is or have you –

00:55:48.000 I think comedians are really insecure by nature.

00:55:51.200 Do you know what I mean?

00:55:52.040 Yeah.

00:55:52.260 So why else would we have to get on stage with microphones, you know, alone?

00:55:56.220 Like what's that about?

00:55:57.480 Most people who are secure don't feel the need.

00:55:59.800 So I think we're insecure by nature and it's a – I think it's our job to kind of hone that insecurity into something more dynamic, right?

00:56:08.520 Because that's how it begins.

00:56:10.120 So I think when it's – when you're insecure like that, you're uncomfortable with any sort of adulation.

00:56:14.920 You want it but you don't necessarily want to hear it to your face.

00:56:18.680 You like to read it.

00:56:19.620 Like I love to read a review of my book.

00:56:21.380 Like I'd rather that than someone tell me how much it meant to them.

00:56:24.660 Do you know what I mean?

00:56:25.740 So I have that same thing.

00:56:27.160 I get slightly uncomfortable when I get too much adulation in person.

00:56:30.500 It's like, okay, when is this going to end?

00:56:32.040 Like thank you so much and I want to be sincere and present but I also sometimes check out.

00:56:36.840 But it doesn't make any sense because that's what we're all here for is adulation.

00:56:40.620 We all want the attention.

00:56:41.920 So I think I just – now I have this thing where like it's not about you.

00:56:47.580 It's about listening to that person.

00:56:48.980 It's about giving time to the person whose life that you impacted who has something nice to say to you because think about how hard it is for that person to come – like I would never come up to a celebrity and be like, I saw you in whatever movie and you changed my life.

00:57:03.400 Like I wouldn't even bother that person.

00:57:05.000 So when you think about what it takes for someone to say those things to you when they're not creepy and they're not weird and they're not like, you know, threatening in any way.

00:57:12.040 And they're not wet too.

00:57:13.160 People are wet.

00:57:13.900 That scares you.

00:57:15.820 You want to give them the time.

00:57:18.000 And so I think about it that way so that I'm a little bit more gracious than, you know.

00:57:22.160 Yeah, then just being still stuck in yourself even if you're getting adulation, it's still about, well, how do I feel about adulation?

00:57:28.640 It's almost like an ego trap in a weird way kind of like – because even though I'm getting it, like it's like it's nice to get adulation from somebody or somebody saying thank you or something. 0.93

00:57:36.780 And then I'm wondering, oh, well, it makes me feel like – like at that point, who gives a fuck really how it makes you feel kind of? 0.86

00:57:41.800 Like, yeah, you can have your boundaries and stuff. 0.90

00:57:44.400 Right.

00:57:44.660 But imagine, yeah, if you – somebody must really care if they went over to say something or they wanted to share that.

00:57:50.740 Yeah, and it's really not – yeah, you have to like – I feel like there's a responsibility once you become a public person, you know.

00:57:57.360 Like I love the stuff that Chapel Roan is saying about like leave me alone.

00:58:00.480 You don't have the right to touch me.

00:58:01.900 It's all true.

00:58:02.600 You don't.

00:58:03.060 You don't have – I mean, and if it bothers you, it bothers you. 0.98

00:58:05.160 I don't give a shit, you know, if people come up to me in a restaurant. 0.99

00:58:07.720 I give a shit if people come up to me when I'm at – I give a shit if someone waves – they're rude and they wave over like come over here. 1.00

00:58:14.120 Like when I'm sitting out down to dinner with friends or family in some fucking jackass, it's like, hey, Chelsea, come over here. 1.00

00:58:19.900 It's like – no, no, you – 0.99

00:58:21.480 Yeah, some Italian or something. 0.98

00:58:22.680 I'm not fucking coming over to you. 0.99

00:58:24.220 I don't even know you. 1.00

00:58:25.420 Yeah, what the fuck? 0.99

00:58:26.020 But when people are really sweet about it, yeah, like I do feel a sense of responsibility. 0.99

00:58:31.400 Also to be – I want people to feel good after they see me, you know what I mean?

00:58:36.200 So it's not so much a struggle.

00:58:38.260 I totally get what you're saying, but I think it's not a struggle so much as a let them say their piece and let them say something nice.

00:58:46.940 They're going to feel great after they say it.

00:58:48.760 Like, oh, wow, I did it, you know?

00:58:50.460 So I try to just think about them.

00:58:52.720 Yeah.

00:58:53.420 Yeah, no, it's just a good – it's a good reminder.

00:58:55.580 It's a good reminder of that.

00:58:56.840 So the feeling, your special, it's like – I only watched like 32 minutes of it, but what is the feeling kind of like – or do I have to wait to the end to get – to know what it is?

00:59:07.860 Well, if you didn't see what the feeling was, then you didn't see the whole –

00:59:10.380 Oh, the feeling is about – I mean a lot of the feeling is – that I've seen so far seems to be feminal masturbation. 1.00

00:59:16.140 Well, feminal masturbation. 0.99

00:59:17.960 Or feminal. 0.99

00:59:19.360 Is that a new word, feminal?

00:59:21.280 I don't know. 0.98

00:59:21.940 It's about childhood masturbation when – 0.96

00:59:24.080 Okay, sorry. 0.94

00:59:24.720 We used to call it the feeling when we would rub up against like swing set poles and corners of walls.

00:59:32.440 We would use furniture, ladles.

00:59:34.140 We were really into masturbating, me and a group of my girlfriends, when we were nine and discovered our Pikachus. 0.95

00:59:39.740 So we would – and it wasn't like adult masturbation. 0.92

00:59:43.700 You're not actually touching anything directly. 0.89

00:59:45.500 You're basically rubbing your hands over material.

00:59:48.940 Like the thicker the material, the better the traction.

00:59:50.980 So it's like jeans, a thick corduroy burlap would be a great option, a corner of a wall.

00:59:57.200 You want something that is going to give you the traction you need. 0.99

01:00:00.820 And then – but how carried away I got as a child once I found out about the feeling and about a fucking clitoris, how I went bonkers with it. 1.00

01:00:10.760 And I was masturbating in school, getting the feeling, rubbing pencils. 1.00

01:00:15.180 I mean whatever I could get, rulers. 0.98

01:00:17.300 I mean I had anything I could.

01:00:19.020 I would just overdo it.

01:00:21.260 Just rub it against your body?

01:00:22.440 So the feeling –

01:00:23.160 Can I say that?

01:00:23.740 We're talking about –

01:00:24.240 Yeah, yeah.

01:00:24.600 You can say that.

01:00:25.400 Of course.

01:00:25.840 I'm the one talking about it.

01:00:26.920 Okay.

01:00:27.040 And it – yeah, it was – so that's where the feeling comes from.

01:00:31.180 Got it.

01:00:31.360 Just basically childhood exploration.

01:00:33.940 Oh, the part with the ladle took.

01:00:35.240 I was like, what is happening here? 0.93

01:00:37.580 Yeah, there's a lot of like – there's a lot of use of masturbation to get through time. 0.72

01:00:44.680 Of moments maybe? 0.96

01:00:46.600 Like when people masturbate – 0.98

01:00:47.940 Like Thanksgiving dinner. 0.99

01:00:49.100 I was like, this is going to suck. 1.00

01:00:50.700 I'm fucking nine. 0.99

01:00:51.580 No one is coming to me for my global opinions or world affairs. 0.99

01:00:56.220 No one gives a shit about my – you know, like I'm here with my family. 1.00

01:00:59.760 They suck. 1.00

01:01:00.260 I already established that they sucked. 1.00

01:01:01.980 So I took a ladle and brought it to my Thanksgiving dinner and then I got carried away. 0.99

01:01:06.360 And the next thing I know, I was dripping sweating like a rapist at my family dinner

01:01:10.980 and my mom asking me to stop and that that's something that I needed to do in the privacy

01:01:15.280 of my own room.

01:01:17.260 But up until that point, no one had called me out because I grew up at a time where no 1.00

01:01:21.600 one was going to say, hey, stop jerking off, you fucking pervert. 1.00

01:01:24.180 Oh, people weren't saying that then? 1.00

01:01:25.140 No, no one was saying it.

01:01:26.500 So I thought no one even knew what I was doing.

01:01:28.560 Oh, it's secretive.

01:01:28.900 So that's why I'd be like – I'd see a book and I'd be like rubbing up against – you 0.99

01:01:32.420 know, like while I would be talking to my father, I'd put like my ass behind an 0.98

01:01:35.780 ottoman and think I was disguising it. 1.00

01:01:38.000 Are you there, pussy? 1.00

01:01:39.020 It's me, Chelsea. 1.00

01:01:40.000 Are you there, pussy? 1.00

01:01:40.600 It's me, Chelsea. 1.00

01:01:41.340 And my family was just basically totally aware but also disgusted and horrified so

01:01:48.000 that they didn't even say anything until it became unmanageable.

01:01:51.420 Oh, yeah.

01:01:51.800 If you see a child rubbing up on something – well, I guess if you have six other children, 0.99

01:01:55.320 who gives a fuck what the last one's doing most of the time? 0.99

01:01:57.280 Probably, yeah. 0.98

01:01:58.220 But, yeah, I think it's hard to approach them even probably.

01:02:01.700 You know, maybe now you could text them and say, you know, calm it down.

01:02:05.020 Get your hand out of your pants. 0.92

01:02:06.280 Yeah, or calm it down.

01:02:07.260 Yeah, yeah.

01:02:07.660 We're at a pizza hut. 0.96

01:02:08.500 Yeah, I mean, I used to masturbate so much as a kid that my calves would be sore because 0.82

01:02:14.760 I would be face down on the carpet rubbing my Pikachu over my denim jeans and then my 0.88

01:02:20.640 calves would kick out and would be flexing, you know?

01:02:23.920 And so I would have – I mean, I had very, very strong calves growing up.

01:02:31.260 Wow, dude.

01:02:32.200 That's bonkers, man. 0.99

01:02:34.180 Yeah, but jerking off was fun, wasn't it? 0.99

01:02:36.260 And I love how in this special, you call it jerking off. 0.99

01:02:38.780 I hadn't heard a woman refer to it as that before. 0.99

01:02:41.000 Really? 0.99

01:02:41.400 Yeah, I'd never heard a woman say jerking off before. 1.00

01:02:44.600 Oh, okay. 0.99

01:02:45.380 Yeah, it was just kind of –

01:02:46.400 Yeah. 0.98

01:02:47.000 Well, yeah, I guess it was jerking off because you are climaxing technically. 0.97

01:02:51.060 It is a – you know, and it's the same thing as when you're an adult. 0.94

01:02:53.540 You know when you like climax as an adult, you're like, ugh, you're kind of grossed out.

01:02:57.180 Like, stop it.

01:02:57.860 Get off of me.

01:02:58.700 Get away from me.

01:02:59.620 And then like, you know, you give it like two, three minutes and you're ready to go again.

01:03:02.940 You're like, oh, come back here, you know?

01:03:04.600 Get me that wall. 1.00

01:03:05.880 Damn. 0.99

01:03:06.380 I'm not a go again. 0.99

01:03:07.180 I'm a – I'm more of like – you know, a lot of people are up by the front lines with the machine guns or whatever.

01:03:11.980 I'm the cannon that comes in in the back.

01:03:13.740 It shoots once.

01:03:14.760 And that's it.

01:03:15.560 Yeah, and then it's like –

01:03:15.960 And then you're wrapped.

01:03:16.980 And then it's like, yeah, neat, down for repair or whatever.

01:03:20.600 Like, that's me.

01:03:21.460 So two – so how long do you – I mean –

01:03:24.180 I've had – 0.86

01:03:24.760 How long can you have sex for? 0.88

01:03:26.480 Oh, I don't know about that. 0.93

01:03:28.340 Five minutes?

01:03:29.480 Ten minutes?

01:03:30.620 One minute?

01:03:31.280 Let me think about the first one.

01:03:32.240 Well, the first time, I mean –

01:03:39.020 No, I mean five minutes, I'm saying.

01:03:40.420 Oh, five minutes, right.

01:03:41.760 Yeah, don't put me –

01:03:42.900 Listen, I don't think most people want to have sex for longer than five or ten minutes.

01:03:45.740 That's my thing. 1.00

01:03:46.280 If anybody's having sex for – who the fuck are you? 1.00

01:03:49.080 You're some kind of, like, mega – you're some kind of, like, cyborg. 1.00

01:03:54.660 Like, who's – like, Italians or whoever's fucking for that long. 1.00

01:03:58.080 It's like, that's crazy to me. 0.99

01:03:59.380 I want to get back to work.

01:04:01.080 I – well, yeah.

01:04:02.480 I like fooling around.

01:04:03.880 I like men.

01:04:04.820 I like lots of different men. 0.99

01:04:06.420 But I also don't want to get fucked for, like, 45. 0.99

01:04:09.900 Like, I had a girlfriend who said to me, this guy fucked me for 45 minutes, and I went – like, I don't want to get fucked for 45 minutes. 0.99

01:04:17.600 Thank you. 0.99

01:04:17.920 I really don't want that.

01:04:18.980 And I don't know many –

01:04:19.780 Scream that for the ladies in the back. 1.00

01:04:20.840 I don't know any women that do, so I don't know what that's about. 1.00

01:04:24.240 I mean, like, talk about your pussy, like, not being able to handle a situation. 1.00

01:04:28.720 That's too much. 1.00

01:04:29.740 Yeah, that's like the Daytona 500. 0.99

01:04:32.600 It's like, how much – is that, like, the Goodyear pussy? 1.00

01:04:35.640 I just don't want to – yeah, it's like, I just get – I kind of, honestly – 0.99

01:04:39.260 You get bored.

01:04:39.980 I get bored.

01:04:40.420 You almost said it, so I'm just going to finish it for you.

01:04:43.140 What does that mean?

01:04:43.880 Is that bad, though? 1.00

01:04:44.460 It means that you haven't had the right pussy yet, I don't think. 1.00

01:04:46.860 But it doesn't mean that you're going to last longer. 0.99

01:04:49.780 It's okay not to last – five minutes is not a big deal.

01:04:52.020 That's fine.

01:04:53.020 Yeah, it's a good –

01:04:53.500 But some guys like to go again and again and again.

01:04:56.400 Like, I would – someone stated a guy –

01:04:57.460 Is that cool or that's crazy?

01:04:58.860 Well, it's kind of nice to be able to get a – it's kind of nice as a woman to have a guy that's – 1.00

01:05:03.540 because that means they're just – you interpret that as they're so attracted to you

01:05:07.300 that they can just get it – get hard every five minutes.

01:05:10.680 Yeah.

01:05:10.940 And while that can also seem, like, onerous, you're like, oh, I don't have the capacity. 1.00

01:05:15.340 First of all, your vagina needs to retract after sex. 1.00

01:05:17.980 Like, it has to recover. 1.00

01:05:19.400 Well, yeah.

01:05:20.000 I mean, it's open and then it's closed.

01:05:21.780 So it kind of has to – you know, there's a healing process.

01:05:24.700 Yeah, good. 1.00

01:05:25.480 Especially if you have a really big penis. 1.00

01:05:27.580 Good. 1.00

01:05:28.220 Okay.

01:05:28.560 So that's for your listeners.

01:05:30.220 Yeah, I think a lot of people are wondering, yeah, what's an appropriate amount of time? 0.96

01:05:33.360 Because you also – it's like you hear these people like, let's fuck all night or whatever, 0.99

01:05:37.780 and you're like, ghetto, do not even knock on my door if we're fucking all night. 0.99

01:05:42.100 I don't want anybody at my house doing anything all night. 0.99

01:05:45.140 I don't want anybody even being awake in my house all night.

01:05:47.580 Yeah.

01:05:48.220 I mean, it's – I've had sex with men that where it's a one-nighter thing

01:05:52.400 and you have sex a bunch of times in one night, and that's fun, but that's like a one-night stand.

01:05:56.820 That's not like what you're going to do with your husband.

01:05:58.940 Right.

01:05:59.500 Like, unless you're taking ecstasy.

01:06:01.600 Yeah. 0.75

01:06:01.900 And then you have sex and it never ends. 0.99

01:06:04.020 And then you could fall asleep during sex, wake back up, and be like, is this still fucking happening? 0.99

01:06:09.000 Like, are we still having sex? 0.99

01:06:10.340 I mean, God, when is this going to be overcome already? 0.97

01:06:12.400 That's a Catholic sleepover right there, I think they call it.

01:06:14.920 But girls are always trying to make guys come before they're ready to come anyway. 1.00

01:06:19.160 Oh, girls are trying to do that. 1.00

01:06:20.420 Yeah.

01:06:20.820 Like, most women are trying to get it over with because five minutes is plenty of time. 1.00

01:06:25.920 Yeah, it's a good.

01:06:26.420 So, like, a lot of guys, you know, you're like, oh, you know, you're just saying things

01:06:31.240 to make them come so that it's over.

01:06:33.120 Yeah.

01:06:33.380 And you're lying, basically, you know? 0.99

01:06:35.540 Like, you're so fucking hot. 0.99

01:06:36.720 This feels so fucking good. 0.99

01:06:37.700 I can't take it. 0.95

01:06:38.560 Yeah, come all.

01:06:38.620 Come somewhere.

01:06:39.420 Come all over my face.

01:06:40.580 And then they try to come on your face.

01:06:42.000 You're like, actually, I didn't mean that. 0.99

01:06:43.180 Come on the fucking drapes, you know? 0.98

01:06:44.860 Like, I wasn't serious about coming on my face. 1.00

01:06:47.160 Come on this cum plant. 1.00

01:06:47.980 I was just telling you to cum. 0.99

01:06:49.360 I was at a girl's place one time and she had a plant that guys would cum on and it was 0.99

01:06:56.340 doing pretty well. 0.52

01:06:59.580 I don't know if it was a pear.

01:07:00.700 How small is a pear plant?

01:07:02.180 Bring up a small one real quick.

01:07:03.580 I think it was pear.

01:07:05.420 Wow.

01:07:06.040 But it was kind of cool. 1.00

01:07:06.940 And so everyone would just fuck her and then cum in the plant? 1.00

01:07:10.180 I get it. 1.00

01:07:10.720 Maybe once a year.

01:07:11.780 I mean, I don't know if people were doing it monthly or how often she was having men 0.91

01:07:14.740 It only needed to cum once a year, the plant?

01:07:16.400 I mean, I have no clue what it's also like a supplement schedule was, but I do know that

01:07:22.280 yeah, young people.

01:07:24.000 Oh no, it's something smaller.

01:07:25.080 It's an indoors house plant.

01:07:26.860 But so that's not it.

01:07:28.120 I can't remember.

01:07:29.100 But yeah, it is fascinating the amount of time that there's, I think there is some miscommunication

01:07:33.960 there about how long people want it to go on.

01:07:36.020 Yeah.

01:07:36.320 Yeah.

01:07:36.500 There's a definite misfire. 1.00

01:07:37.760 It's not fair to men because men, first of all, you don't have to have a huge penis. 0.99

01:07:40.920 Nobody cares about that. 0.99

01:07:42.040 I mean, you don't want like a Vienna sausage. 0.99

01:07:43.940 That's disappointing and it sucks.

01:07:46.200 Do they have those really? 0.90

01:07:47.300 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:47.540 I've had sex with guys with little tiny penises. 1.00

01:07:49.660 That's happened to me a couple of times actually. 1.00

01:07:51.460 And what do you do in that instance?

01:07:52.600 Do you, it's almost like a delicacy or not?

01:07:54.480 It's like a...

01:07:55.140 No, it's the opposite of a delicacy.

01:07:56.940 You want it to be over and you want them to go away. 0.93

01:08:00.600 I've had sex with somebody who I didn't even know we were having sex and he came and I 1.00

01:08:04.300 was like, oh my God, I can't believe how small your penis is. 1.00

01:08:07.280 You know, obviously I wasn't going to have sex with that person again, but men's penises 1.00

01:08:10.480 don't need to be huge. 1.00

01:08:11.620 They just need to be hard.

01:08:13.980 That's great.

01:08:14.660 When a guy gets hard and that's fun and it's a decent size, it doesn't have to be massive

01:08:19.680 and it doesn't have to go on forever.

01:08:24.420 So yes, men who are listening, I'm sure there are all tons of men listening.

01:08:29.060 So I hope that assuages the male ego a little bit.

01:08:32.060 Yeah.

01:08:32.980 That's exactly what we need to hear. 0.99

01:08:34.380 This is coming from a woman who's had sex with lots of men. 0.99

01:08:36.900 Yeah. 0.80

01:08:37.720 Did you keep tabs on the men that you slept with, do you think?

01:08:40.280 I mean, I ran out of, you know, that I don't have time for that anymore because that's a

01:08:44.720 long list.

01:08:45.200 Did you ever do like a little gift basket or some celebrities, like if you make love to

01:08:50.020 somebody, you give them a little gift or something?

01:08:51.540 No, I don't.

01:08:52.540 I mean, unless we're talking about STDs, I have never given a real gift to someone now.

01:08:56.820 I don't know.

01:08:57.500 I don't, I haven't given a gift.

01:08:59.140 No, I haven't, I haven't had sex with a lot of celebrities either.

01:09:01.880 I mean, I know you're saying I'm the celebrity, but still like, I also like regular guys, 0.77

01:09:06.220 you know, it's two celebrities together can be a little bit of a hot mess.

01:09:09.700 Was it harder to date and stuff once you became, once you had fame in your life, popularity

01:09:14.100 in your life?

01:09:14.680 I mean, it's not hard, but men are definitely like, you know, a little bit scared, turned

01:09:20.720 off, intimidated, emasculated, that kind of vibe around me.

01:09:26.680 Because it's hard to practice with somebody that's in, because it's not, there's not as 0.99

01:09:29.940 many people that are popular, so it's hard to practice.

01:09:31.480 It's like, you don't get that world as much, you know?

01:09:33.460 Yeah.

01:09:33.660 I like, I've, I've been on lots of like situations, I've been in lots of situations with men that were

01:09:38.160 not celebrities, or that were, where we would be out, or we'd be flirting for a while, and

01:09:43.680 then we'd go home, and they couldn't perform.

01:09:45.860 Like, that's happened to me a lot, to the point where I was like, what is wrong with

01:09:49.700 me?

01:09:50.320 And then you realize, that happens to a lot of guys.

01:09:53.600 Like, there's a lot of like, performance anxiety.

01:09:56.160 And I know that, because I've dated men who've had that, you know?

01:09:58.940 Oh, yeah.

01:09:59.420 So it's like, that's a real thing.

01:10:01.100 So like, women also can't take that personally. 1.00

01:10:03.160 It's not about that.

01:10:04.220 But it is worth like, being honest about it.

01:10:06.280 Like, sorry, you know, I barely know you.

01:10:08.160 Or I'm a little, like, this is our first time.

01:10:10.080 Like, it's good to kind of communicate that stuff, so that everyone doesn't feel like

01:10:13.860 weird.

01:10:14.680 Yeah.

01:10:14.940 You know?

01:10:15.300 Because then you have like, an ick feeling.

01:10:16.800 Right.

01:10:16.980 Then it's just this weird thing, nobody ever said anything.

01:10:19.240 Yeah.

01:10:19.500 And these days, a lot of stuff's so common, and it's like, everybody's talked about everything

01:10:22.340 now.

01:10:22.680 So it's like, I think having certain conversations are a lot more the norm than the, even

01:10:26.500 than they were like, 20 years ago.

01:10:28.460 You know, I remember, I couldn't get an erection at some girl's place, and it was like, 3.30 in 0.96

01:10:33.260 the morning or something.

01:10:33.920 And I told her I had to go to swim practice or whatever, and it was early, swim practice

01:10:37.380 was at like, 5 or whatever.

01:10:39.340 And she's like, for what team, whatever? 0.97

01:10:40.600 I was like, 28, and I was fucking, couldn't answer or whatever. 0.81

01:10:44.820 Yeah, you know, just a bad idea, I had to go to swim team or whatever. 0.93

01:10:47.880 Oh, you told her that you had to go to swim team?

01:10:49.520 Yeah.

01:10:49.540 I was going to swim team practice.

01:10:50.560 Early, my coach gets pissed.

01:10:51.340 I'm like, what swim team are you on?

01:10:52.620 Oh, yeah, you didn't know, because you weren't on one.

01:10:55.020 Because I wasn't in school or whatever, you know?

01:10:57.040 Yeah. 0.99

01:10:57.660 So just sometimes you say shit like that, I got to get home to let my dog out is a good 0.99

01:11:01.560 one that got to use. 1.00

01:11:02.180 I once left a guy's house, once I felt his penis and realized it wasn't going to work, 0.98

01:11:07.080 I once told a guy that I had to get my Invisalign out of my car, that I wouldn't be able to 0.98

01:11:12.500 sleep without my Invisalign.

01:11:14.940 And, you know, then I left and never came back.

01:11:17.260 And so I've done things like that, too, to get out of a bad situation or a situation

01:11:21.600 that's not going to be fruitful.

01:11:23.520 Right.

01:11:23.920 And not only just for you, but for them also.

01:11:25.420 It's like, why create?

01:11:26.340 Why spend more time creating something that's just going to be uncomfortable?

01:11:29.140 You know, that's true.

01:11:30.060 But I'm sure when you you get left in the dust, like we all I mean, everyone's experienced

01:11:34.260 that at some point.

01:11:35.160 It does not.

01:11:36.640 It does not feel good.

01:11:38.520 Yeah.

01:11:39.320 If someone comes, you take a chick back to your house and she leaves right as you get 1.00

01:11:44.640 naked. 0.97

01:11:45.620 That can't feel good.

01:11:46.700 You know what I mean?

01:11:47.840 I was on a date with this guy in London once.

01:11:50.120 And I like London, don't you?

01:11:51.900 I love London.

01:11:52.500 It's my favorite.

01:11:53.300 And I was on a date with this guy in London and we had a great date.

01:11:56.120 I would I had been talking to him like on Raya or one of those apps before I went out

01:11:59.720 there and he was hot and and and and we went out to dinner.

01:12:03.020 We had a great dinner and I was like, oh, this is going great.

01:12:05.300 I'm like, do you want some mushrooms?

01:12:07.060 And he had talked about mushrooms.

01:12:08.340 So like I thought we were both into it.

01:12:09.980 And he's like, yeah, I would love some.

01:12:11.940 And we get back to my house and he I would get back to my hotel and he's just dripping

01:12:16.420 sweating like and I'm like, are you?

01:12:18.320 And he just looked like he was about to throw up.

01:12:20.040 And he's like, I think I'm going to throw up.

01:12:21.360 And I'm like, oh, my God, are you? 0.99

01:12:23.660 He's like, I'm fucking flying. 0.98

01:12:25.700 And I was like, oh, my God, I felt like Bill Cosby. 0.99

01:12:28.380 You know, like I drugged this man and I go, oh, my God.

01:12:31.820 And then he he had to take a walk outside.

01:12:34.120 I go, yeah, go take a walk.

01:12:35.400 And I'm texting.

01:12:36.620 I go, go take a walk.

01:12:37.700 You need a fresh air.

01:12:38.480 I go, go take a walk.

01:12:39.200 And he came back like 20 minutes later.

01:12:41.100 He's like, I'm sorry, but I have to go home. 0.97

01:12:42.940 Like I'm I'm fucking hallucinating. 0.86

01:12:45.080 And I'm sitting there on shrooms, too, but I'm fine. 0.96

01:12:47.520 And I'm like, oh, my God, I just drugged my date.

01:12:50.160 Like and I was telling my girlfriends the next day and they're like, why would you ever give mushrooms 0.93

01:12:54.080 to someone after you fucking went out to dinner like that is not exotic or like erotic or anything? 0.99

01:13:00.620 It's like that's a party drug to fucking laugh. 0.99

01:13:03.120 Like it's not seductive. 1.00

01:13:04.500 And you fucking made the guy sick to his stomach. 0.99

01:13:07.220 And I was like, yeah, no more drugs on first dates. 1.00

01:13:09.980 You know, no more.

01:13:10.980 Mushrooms are crazy, dude.

01:13:12.680 I remember taking them one time and some girls like, let me see. 1.00

01:13:14.920 She didn't even want to make out or she's like, let me see your weird dick or whatever. 1.00

01:13:18.920 And I was like, because I guess like she was really getting the swirls, you know, 1.00

01:13:23.280 she's like, let me see your weird dick. 1.00

01:13:25.500 I was like, fucking all right, you know, but yeah, that can be kind of a just a tough idea. 0.99

01:13:30.860 And then, yeah, it's just weird to touch somebody and hug somebody. 0.94

01:13:33.680 And then, yeah, like that can be.

01:13:35.120 But it is fun to sit around and laugh or something on some mushroom.

01:13:37.640 That's that's a lot of fun.

01:13:38.760 Yeah.

01:13:38.860 Mushrooms aren't a very sexual drug. 1.00

01:13:40.600 So like, you know, that was stupid. 1.00

01:13:43.220 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:43.620 Yeah. 0.65

01:13:43.840 But sometimes sometimes having a like enjoying time with somebody is fucking nice, too, 0.98

01:13:48.380 and not feeling the pressure like you got to make like, yeah, you got to have sex. 0.98

01:13:51.960 Exactly.

01:13:52.320 So that's the that's the problem with that, too, especially on a night where you're, you

01:13:55.920 know, yeah, it's better to do that with someone you've gotten to know a little bit rather

01:13:59.680 than like a first excursion.

01:14:01.200 Yeah.

01:14:01.820 Did you I have one more question.

01:14:03.740 Oh, did you ever meet Bill Cosby?

01:14:05.420 I did meet Bill Cosby before he was before he got that's in the special the part that

01:14:09.460 you didn't see.

01:14:10.000 Oh, it is.

01:14:10.540 Is it really?

01:14:11.000 It is.

01:14:11.220 Yes.

01:14:12.100 And I guess what was it like whenever you met him?

01:14:15.420 It was disappointing.

01:14:16.820 Really? 1.00

01:14:17.180 But he yeah, he was he was an asshole. 1.00

01:14:20.360 He was an asshole because there was a guy opening for me and we were in Atlantic City 1.00

01:14:23.880 and he basically went off on. 1.00

01:14:25.260 First of all, I showed up to his hotel room at three o'clock in the afternoon. 0.95

01:14:28.380 The casino manager said, hey, Bill Cosby wants to meet you because he was going to rape 0.97

01:14:33.180 me. 0.99

01:14:33.960 And I didn't know that at the time.

01:14:35.660 I didn't know about Bill Cosby.

01:14:36.860 This was before all of that came out. 0.90

01:14:38.540 Because he would do afternoon rapes or whatever. 1.00

01:14:40.260 Yeah, he would have women come up to his hotel room, give him rohypnol and then fuck 1.00

01:14:43.900 them and they would be out of it. 1.00

01:14:45.660 But I showed up with my security guard and my opener who was a man, Chris Frangiolla.

01:14:50.340 And he and I walked into the room. 1.00

01:14:53.680 And and when Bill Cosby realized I had two guys with me, his mood just was like, fuck off. 0.99

01:14:59.120 And he basically read the guy telling him he was never going to amount to anything opening 1.00

01:15:03.780 for me as a comedian, opening for a woman.

01:15:06.220 And I'm like, this doesn't seem like he's in a good mood or like we should take this 1.00

01:15:11.920 shit. 0.99

01:15:12.760 And then later I found out, you know, everything's broke. 1.00

01:15:16.600 And we found out Bill Cosby was drugging hundreds of women.

01:15:19.620 He would come summon them to his hotel room, give them like some barbiturate pattern that

01:15:24.500 happened with you.

01:15:25.820 Rohypnol.

01:15:26.400 Wow.

01:15:26.880 But he never gave that to me.

01:15:28.340 And my sister, after that happened, she's like, well, now we know why Bill Cosby was such 1.00

01:15:31.700 an asshole that day. 1.00

01:15:32.640 And I was like, little does Bill Cosby know that that roofie wouldn't have put a fucking 1.00

01:15:35.920 dent in me. 0.99

01:15:39.720 So.

01:15:40.400 The unraveable.

01:15:42.100 That's right.

01:15:42.720 Wow.

01:15:43.700 What about Michael Jackson?

01:15:44.960 I'm just trying to think.

01:15:45.620 I ask everybody.

01:15:46.540 I saw Macaulay Culkin the other night and I wish I could have heard what he was saying

01:15:49.600 to me because he was thanking me for something.

01:15:51.440 And I don't remember ever interacting with Macaulay Culkin, but he kept going on and on and

01:15:55.380 saying, thank you so much, Chelsea.

01:15:56.600 Thank you so much.

01:15:57.160 And it was so loud at the party that I don't know what he said.

01:16:01.720 Was it an Oscars party?

01:16:02.600 Yeah, it was like Gallo series after party.

01:16:04.820 But I was wondering if it had anything to do with Michael Jackson.

01:16:07.760 And I'm like, I wonder if I forgot that I did something about Michael Jackson.

01:16:11.780 I probably did.

01:16:12.840 I probably did a whole thing about Michael Jackson at some point.

01:16:15.060 But I don't know. 0.91

01:16:16.240 Was Michael Jackson raping kids or was he a kid wanting to hang out with other kids? 0.93

01:16:19.940 It's very murky. 0.91

01:16:21.440 Like, I don't want to give him any credit, but it's like he didn't seem like somebody

01:16:24.560 was having sex with anybody. 0.92

01:16:26.300 He seemed like somebody who was like stunted. 0.98

01:16:28.300 You know what I mean?

01:16:29.000 Like a little kid.

01:16:30.520 Oh, I don't think that that was I think that was definitely part of his psychology that

01:16:33.740 he was just like, yeah, like a seven year old that was grew up and got super famous and

01:16:39.300 also had sexuality going on inside of him at the same time.

01:16:42.060 I don't know how all that comes out.

01:16:43.140 And maybe some of it was criminal.

01:16:44.160 Maybe some of it wasn't.

01:16:44.940 I don't know.

01:16:46.100 But no, I'm just curious as to who, like, who gets to run across certain people like

01:16:49.520 in celebrity circles and stuff, you know, but I'm trying to think of anything else.

01:16:56.020 Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about specifically, Chelsea?

01:16:58.280 I don't think so.

01:16:59.240 I think we're good.

01:17:00.300 Yeah.

01:17:00.680 Yeah.

01:17:01.220 I think we're good, too.

01:17:01.880 I think you could tell.

01:17:02.520 Oh, you know, I'll tell your male, male, male listeners, too.

01:17:05.880 If you want your daughter. 0.82

01:17:07.700 Oh, he loves you.

01:17:08.860 Look at that.

01:17:09.600 Oh, that's nice of him.

01:17:11.980 Thank you.

01:17:12.620 If you want to get a good gift for your girlfriend's wives or daughters, get I'll Have 0.74

01:17:15.780 What She's Having.

01:17:16.440 That's my book that's just debuted at number one.

01:17:19.120 I'm happy about that.

01:17:20.240 My special is called The Feeling.

01:17:21.380 It's on Netflix.

01:17:22.720 And yeah, those are my two projects right now.

01:17:24.740 Yeah, congratulations.

01:17:27.300 And yeah, just thanks for coming and spending time with us today.

01:17:30.940 Yeah, it's just, you get it done.

01:17:35.120 And it's impressive to witness.

01:17:37.660 And it's just, yeah, I feel lucky that you came and spent time with us today.

01:17:41.700 Thank you.

01:17:42.340 Thank you very much, Chelsea.

01:17:43.120 Thank you.

01:17:43.400 Thanks, Theo.

01:17:44.320 You bet.

01:17:44.520 Now, I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:17:50.700 I must be cornerstone.

01:17:55.900 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:18:01.320 And I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little bit

01:18:09.560 and I can't answer this.

01:18:11.780 Absolutely.

01:18:12.660 I sort of didn't know that you were just injecting on this but it's gonna sleep on.

01:18:18.260 Um, I'm not going to ever touch.

01:18:24.480 Because I'm finally working on this but it's gonna be啜 switching on me,

01:18:26.000 and that's gonna fall.

01:18:26.600 And I'm beginning to do things really have to watch.

01:18:27.740 Okay?

01:18:28.680 Whether you come lá. 0.59

01:18:29.620 Or do we sleep?

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 25, 2025

#570 - Chelsea Handler

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