This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Bobby Lee 3

00:00:00.000 Today's guest is a small hero of sorts um he's the kind of boy man that uh that sometimes you

00:00:08.620 just imagine is just scurrying through your garden and stealing squashes or stealing uh

00:00:13.780 a couple carats you know it um he is part of the tiger belly podcast he uh he's the tiger with the

00:00:24.140 belly um comedian actor um effervescent human mr bobby lee

00:00:32.980 shine that light on me

00:00:38.300 i'll sit and tell you my stories

00:00:44.000 shine that light on me

00:00:48.900 i'll sit and tell you my stories

00:00:54.580 that little curry squirrel himself boy what's up bucko

00:00:58.640 you know what bro papa needs an apology i think he does yeah because you start a war with papa

00:01:06.000 right now on the streets people call me theo wong oh yeah they do yeah everywhere i go

00:01:12.800 i want to say something about hair they call you a

00:01:15.140 but let me tell you something bro yeah you've been the nom bro huh i have been you've been right

00:01:24.260 yeah they've been doing this haircut for years you see platoon polpa they all did this shit

00:01:31.100 ho chi minh bro so what i'm saying is that i didn't steal it from you i stole it from the greats

00:01:37.200 from wait but here's the thing bro you coming into you know the world we live in bro there's only so

00:01:42.320 many types of styles everybody has a style right um you know everybody has a like chris delia has

00:01:50.660 that kind of like uh rick springsfield kind of concrete ballerina yeah yeah um you got your boy

00:01:57.960 slick red over there fucking oh that freak yeah yeah he's got well redheads can't do nothing that

00:02:04.180 ganger bro right they can do two things the one he has and then the ron howard yeah he's got that

00:02:09.220 right right and you got to go bald to do ron howard right right but let me say something to

00:02:13.920 you my friend yeah say something we've been waiting for decades to hear whatever it is

00:02:17.880 look a bieber right yeah you know the bieber who justin bieber no franklin bieber yeah you don't

00:02:26.960 know frankie no justin bieber bro jb yeah jb dude remember his haircut they always said that's the

00:02:33.720 bieber cut right that bowl crossover you know the comb over but the chinese has been doing that for

00:02:39.800 two thousand years bro you can't just call the bieber out of nowhere so what i'm saying is the

00:02:44.180 mullet ain't theo vaughn it's just a mullet but here's the thing bro it's not a mullet okay it is a

00:02:51.240 display of your heart it's a display of your ambiance bro it's a display of your freaking virility

00:02:59.080 and your possibility though yeah you know it's that fucking bro it's that three inch baby cape

00:03:04.980 yeah bro you gotta let that thing dangle brother right do you feel better with it you must feel

00:03:10.640 more empowered i feel much more empowered i feel like i can bang um southern chicks better really

00:03:17.600 yeah yeah yeah you can definitely run out of gas yeah yeah i just feel like i can go to a trailer

00:03:23.880 oh yeah right and just rip up the holes you know what i mean yeah yeah whether it be you know a

00:03:29.140 pillow or a woman it doesn't matter oh some reverse driver right right yeah just ta-ta anything you

00:03:34.280 know like that but my point is is that maybe you're right maybe i did it because you're so

00:03:38.380 you're you know i admire you it's hard to say what i admire you oh dude oh yeah yeah bro i admire

00:03:47.680 admire you you're making it one word i understand that but here's the thing some people you come

00:03:54.920 with a certain style you get then people are gonna say you're a certain thing you know you cornrow your

00:04:00.260 pussy hair people gonna say you're tiffany haddish you know you uh yeah you know you shave off all

00:04:07.180 your body hair right you eat elk people gonna say you're uh joey roger right if you see a fat fro

00:04:13.000 yeah eric griffin yeah you're eric griffin with a little fucking uh he probably bedazzles it that's

00:04:18.500 complaining a lot he complains a lot bro oh bro i love him but fuck dude that fat fuck he uh is he

00:04:27.820 still fat i don't think so but that's not really fat that it's just the sickle cell anemia in his

00:04:31.560 body you know i mean that's causing the weight they used to have an urban show um sickle cell

00:04:37.480 saturday i remember and it was a where urban comedy where in memphis oh really sickle cell

00:04:44.500 saturdays yeah wow in memphis man do you do good in front of black people i don't mind uh

00:04:50.960 i mean black people don't do black people support that much that many white things though do they

00:04:57.660 support any white entertainment yeah i mean i just played irvine and i had one black per show

00:05:03.340 irvine's hard that guy comes to my show yeah yeah steve yeah steve yeah steve smith yeah he was

00:05:09.920 adopted so steve was there at my shows at irvine every show oh yeah yeah but whenever i see a groups

00:05:16.020 of black african america what do you call black i say black friends are urban gentlemen yeah or the

00:05:23.240 first 48 that's what i'm saying yeah um but when they come i get really excited you do yeah because

00:05:30.860 it's like you know i'm reaching you know i like to reach everybody i know i do gooky jokes on you

00:05:36.680 know on stage i don't think you do man thanks you've been doing a lot of new stuff some you know

00:05:40.860 because i have to do a special i think eventually here oh yeah so many fuck i like new haircut new

00:05:46.740 special yeah bro i want to um but do you think that but i feel like white people support a ton of

00:05:53.160 black entertainment they do i don't feel like black that that that there's the same as the reverse

00:05:58.840 way do you feel that way well you know you have different kinds of blacks right you have the ones

00:06:03.200 that are like uh algeria no nigeria or gerard karmichael lee yeah yeah yeah the thinking black

00:06:09.560 okay they can beat you in chess at any moment right right right but then you got the aaron

00:06:15.160 hernandez people that hung out with her aaron hernandez yeah those types oh yeah they'll hide the

00:06:20.920 truck for the snicker and what's his name yeah yeah yeah right but um snicker and tater or whatever

00:06:26.300 that boy's name yeah so i can't i can't reach them right i love them you can't get that urban

00:06:31.640 urban audience yeah i want my gaps audience yeah the gary owen audience yeah yeah you know so you

00:06:38.000 know i want to i you know i get a lot do you think though overall i mean and you're also do what's

00:06:44.360 what's it like are black people and people getting along you're getting weight no why your face is

00:06:49.700 chunky oh i'll probably have to pop a few zits um do you feel i'm serious bro i need to get some

00:06:56.120 yeah but your cheek i see your cheeks it's good really yeah you felt you look gone earlier like

00:07:00.600 a couple of months ago he dying from aids or something oh no dude yeah but then he got he

00:07:05.220 got you know what kind of aids bud aids no freddie mercury aids the good kind oh singing yeah yeah

00:07:11.060 you got the singing last time yeah yeah yeah i'll take singing aids any day what was your question

00:07:15.960 about the um how are black people and asian people getting along what's going on there i'm not getting

00:07:20.960 what are you talking about i'm just seeing i'll tell you the history of it okay okay for many many

00:07:27.880 years um asians would open up liquor stores oh in urban areas right and then like you know accuse

00:07:35.540 them of shit accuse who well the asians would accuse the black people of shit of what like taking

00:07:41.200 now and laters and stuff yeah or like you know no browsing oh yeah and you touch you by oh that kind

00:07:48.800 of shit it's like bitch i want to pick up my handy my candy bar and look at the fucking you know

00:07:55.220 calorie count and shit yeah right so they would do that black people and they would go you touch you

00:08:01.180 by or you browse in liquor stores you don't just go in and go go right to the kit kats yeah right

00:08:08.680 maybe i want to look at the fucking you know uh you know the coconut coconut juice right right coconut

00:08:14.640 milk or something oh right lemon yeah so then what happened was um they were doing all that

00:08:19.860 shit because i go to this korean spa and before they wouldn't even let black people in there but

00:08:23.660 then what happened was bro the riots and then the rock and then the black people burned the liquor

00:08:30.440 stores down why what just because oh you burn all the liquor i don't know bro they can they're

00:08:36.680 flammable yeah but still why would you burn all i don't know but they did you know i mean they burn

00:08:42.440 it down to the ground but dude tell me if you guys are getting along i'm gonna get to the history

00:08:46.600 so this is what i'm owning in it no no no no no so then what happened was dude then you know after

00:08:52.840 that um koreans softened oh right and then after that right rush hour came out yeah and then that we

00:09:02.320 can solve crimes together now jackie chan jackie brown right right we can like you know we don't

00:09:07.180 understand each other we're in the cop car but we can still solve the shit oh shooting yeah yeah

00:09:12.760 hey man i don't know me you know i mean yeah don't worry motherfucker yeah all that stuff so then after

00:09:19.100 that everything's cool now i like that yeah you like that now somebody said that um a black friend

00:09:25.020 told me that uh chinese people are like the black people of asia is that true or is that what is that

00:09:31.280 have you ever heard that

00:09:33.260 do you just say chinese people are the black people of asia yeah yeah aside from the fact they don't have

00:09:44.720 black dicks chinese don't bro who's going who's got that large meat on the asian side oh filipinos for

00:09:52.760 sure they're mixed in with like oh yeah dude yeah dude because the spanish because they were like

00:09:59.220 invaded so much occupied bro that like you know you get invaded enough you'll get outvaded a little

00:10:04.180 right yeah the spanish in the filipino hole oh you know how babies are made oh yeah right and they

00:10:10.980 squirt inside right and then and then thud the black dick oh right so you know they were colonized

00:10:18.800 places that are colonized are mixed in with shit i wish black african nations colonized more yeah

00:10:25.120 because maybe i'd have a bigger dick if the if the black people they do a little bit they have

00:10:29.240 the barclays center on if you've seen that yeah it's definitely getting hella urban yeah yeah yeah

00:10:36.060 no but i just i've never had i've never had the ability to ask someone who's asian or semi-asian

00:10:40.420 what it's like to have like what that relationship is like between black and asian people yeah i mean

00:10:46.740 you know that it's more hostile between asians and asians brah really yeah i mean because my dad

00:10:52.420 growing up he gave me a list of um the best and r.i.p you're dead man you're dead oh yeah thanks

00:10:58.040 man but he used to give me the list of the best ethnicities from best to worst right so it went

00:11:03.880 um number one was korean because that's what we are number two it went japanese and jays huh

00:11:10.240 number three was like cockroach oh right then four was white right five was snakes or nah bro that's

00:11:19.080 real six donkeys seven mexicans right but out of he made a list of a hundred black people weren't

00:11:25.440 even on the list really yeah they weren't even on the list bro i'm racist and this is right i know

00:11:32.900 but i'm i'm not i my list is blacks number one brah yeah right so alan iverson right alan iverson

00:11:39.480 number one nasex nasex number two regular nase regular nase right um big kim oh not little kim

00:11:48.340 but big kim she was always big kim yeah yeah big vagina big vagina yeah but um no because that's

00:11:55.360 you so my dad comes from a generation of korean dudes and they had beef with black people well

00:12:00.920 their number one beef ultimately though was with um japanese and now you know because they

00:12:06.020 they tortured us for 50 60 years no way yeah really oh bro my dad used to tell me some stories

00:12:11.200 that will fuck your mind i'm sorry about that what i didn't do it no i'm just sorry that it happened i

00:12:15.700 feel bad that uh yeah i didn't know that happened what do you mean i don't know my history huh

00:12:22.480 you know what's the most fucked up thing bro so the jap bro so the japanese right yeah occupied korea

00:12:28.480 for all that time japanese are very sneaky huh oh they're the sneakiest pearl harbor bro yeah right

00:12:33.900 they were sleeping that you know i mean we're sleeping oh sleepy sleep right daddy's gonna buy

00:12:41.940 you right they did all that oh they're sneaky little fuck you know what i call them sneaky

00:12:48.480 chopsticks yeah they're little sneaky chopsticks bro man but they make good ninjas that's why they do

00:12:54.480 huh yeah but i guess because they have so much sneak in them they that's right right and because i don't

00:13:01.260 know why they wear the masks yeah why because you know they all look the same right right you're not

00:13:06.400 gonna you're not gonna see a tree with a ninja on and go with no mask and go hey is that frank

00:13:11.380 yamamoto you know you're gonna go no ninja or whatever right yeah dude so here's the thing so okay

00:13:18.860 so the japanese occupied korea for um 50 60 years oh my god they would go over there and they would

00:13:26.160 take i swear to fucking god they would take all their rice oh and that's their favorite yeah don't

00:13:31.720 take our rice it's like going to italy and taking their pasta yeah borrowing your salt coming in borrowing

00:13:36.360 my salt yeah right so then what happened was a lot of korean families they went to japan they took

00:13:43.760 their family strike back no to go where the food was oh but then there was a lot of korean families

00:13:49.660 when hiroshima and nagasaki fell bro so they all died too so imagine that bro you're right i can

00:13:57.300 imagine yeah we're at we're we're finally we found the rice and they look up in the sky holy fuck

00:14:02.100 yeah it's grilled rice tonight yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah god super fried so but now everything's

00:14:12.220 pretty good between asian cultures or what is it like right now i think no i think people are like

00:14:16.540 you know i used to say certain things back in the day i got in a lot of trouble bro the one thing i

00:14:22.920 said i said one time 15 years ago that the vietnamese were jungle asians that's all i said

00:14:28.740 jas they call them yeah yeah pull up a ja see what happens but then what happened was dude i had to go

00:14:33.820 to every vietnamese news outlet and do apologies oh really yeah because it's like not right i don't

00:14:40.540 know what i don't know why jungle asian is bad i think it sounds like the best kind like you know

00:14:45.240 there's a best kind by the way jungle asian yeah it's something gonna be fun man yeah yeah that's

00:14:50.880 the thing no but like here's the thing racism if you're actually racist where you're out throwing

00:14:55.640 like a uh like a like a lance at somebody or you're you know opening up their door and sneak you know

00:15:02.300 a sword in their freaking grandparents and shit right no way but if you're just mildly racist

00:15:07.740 passing through town dude yeah right you know i'm saying like yeah yeah yeah yeah like there's a

00:15:13.240 certain it's not racism there's a certain level of like hey it's okay to like joke around about

00:15:18.540 stuff yeah to your friends yeah you can't like you know the other day i was with um what's that

00:15:25.460 little black little midget black guy that uh he was in the chapelle show oh i know you're talking

00:15:29.840 about donnell ronnell yeah the little dwarf the little dwarf he's getting taller though anybody's

00:15:34.480 four eleven he's five too yeah i know but he was four seven he's so lovely yeah so we sprinkle water

00:15:39.420 on him he grows right but that little midget um black guy right donnell we were hanging out and i

00:15:45.180 said um hey little man right because he was really loud yeah right you know because he hangs out with

00:15:51.360 brad williams oh yeah all those little tribes you know yeah and i go hey little man and he was loud

00:15:56.780 and i go we ain't in a movie theater and we all laughed or whatever right it's a stereotype yeah you know

00:16:02.640 but you can't go up to some random black dude at a restaurant and say that yeah quiet down in here

00:16:09.040 you know yeah this ain't bridges of madison county right yeah which black people love they love that

00:16:14.480 movie they do yeah do marlon wayans his favorite movie what bridges of madison county and his second

00:16:20.040 favorite is dr jivago bro really he loves epic romantic movies russian yeah man yeah but my point

00:16:27.280 is that yeah what is it what i'm saying i'm trying to follow you're following me bro what i'm saying

00:16:35.360 though is that we've gotten so fucking sensitive in our society right and it's like you know i gauge it

00:16:42.920 based on because i have a lot of black friends white dudes like you you know you delete you know

00:16:48.600 tantino um i have a lot of asian friends and we all amongst each other you guys say the most

00:16:55.180 racist shit to me and i laugh because it's out of pure love yeah right and they've been doing that

00:17:01.060 back in the day you know i mean i bet you back in india or or like south north south africa when indians

00:17:08.460 were there and all the people from morocco and they were they would make fun of each other yeah

00:17:13.300 they're having fun and and it's like we cannot you know nowadays you know you can't body shame or

00:17:21.220 nothing but i think you can lightly body shame i think here's somebody right here who has a

00:17:25.800 question man and this is a young man it looks like was he listening in or no no but it's uh

00:17:30.120 very related okay go ahead hey guys um all my groups of friends um are quite similar to your to

00:17:36.380 to yours in terms of we we always make fun of each other we tease each other we're very close but

00:17:42.180 there's always teasing going around um but there are certain topics that are off limits for jokes

00:17:47.280 you know like dead relatives um so we don't really joke about that kind of stuff so i was kind of

00:17:52.620 wondering whether your groups of friends you know are there any topics that are off limits um in terms

00:17:58.180 of jokes um and yeah are there any topics you basically stay away from um when you do joke

00:18:03.920 around thanks gang gang brother gang gang brother what's what's gang gang gang means it just means that

00:18:10.220 we're together as a group and that we are we're all good okay good yeah thank you yeah man uh first

00:18:17.740 of all that guy has an accent and i want to say this bobby i want to this is on behalf of a couple of

00:18:22.060 different nations that i went to recently there is people that are really wanting to see you in

00:18:29.380 other countries no yeah i was just saying i know i agree with you bobby i'm just saying no the number

00:18:36.320 one person they asked for bobby i got that i'm gonna tell you something right now right bro

00:18:42.120 they all wanted it bro give us bobby yeah but here's the thing my fear is is that i'm gonna go you're

00:18:50.280 gonna you're gonna say go to germany i go there three people show up you know i mean and then you're

00:18:56.520 gonna be laughing here in la i don't trust it i need the science and the data bro i am the data

00:19:02.300 bro i come uh i come bearing data they want you bobby there's people coming up to me in scotland

00:19:08.020 they're like so who do i call huh who do i call call the embassy who the fuck do i call yeah call

00:19:16.260 connor yeah call darren till call the embassy dude yeah yeah says one jack or whoever your freaking

00:19:21.340 you'll help me out with that or no bro they want you i'm not joking everybody's like where's bobby

00:19:26.140 send him over tell him we love him okay okay okay the most requested thank you yeah oh yeah i'll go

00:19:32.040 back to this fuck though okay yeah this beautiful guy he's from another country right could be

00:19:38.140 anywhere i see here's the thing to me to me i do yeah i don't know why i just said it that way and

00:19:44.600 that's him right there is that the guy from uh lord of the stones or whatever what is it called

00:19:47.880 lord of the dance no that's the dude from bleachers he's the lead singer lord of the flies lord of the no

00:19:52.720 uh uh uh harry potter harry no lord of the uh rings rings lord of the rings yes lord of the rings

00:20:04.660 bro that's a good one daniel radcliffe daniel radcliffe yes lord of the rings is that him

00:20:11.000 what does this guy want to know i'll tell you what he wants to know okay is anything off limits

00:20:15.640 with your friends with our friends so here's the deal bro you you know you know how i was molested by

00:20:20.620 guy with down syndrome yeah it is one of my favorite things about you honestly because i

00:20:25.060 can relate to it right but when if you could you make fun of me with that you know i'm open to it

00:20:30.080 correct but you don't make fun of my dead dad because he just died right so but how long after

00:20:36.180 he's dead can you talk about next week oh really yeah you can do it next week but dude you though

00:20:41.520 but do you feel like we use humor as a way for like well there's two things i want to talk about

00:20:47.840 first of all let's answer that let me answer the guy's question do we think that there's things

00:20:51.360 that are off limits i think calling some of the n-word is off limits 100 okay yeah because it's

00:20:57.420 like um there's nothing funny about it and if you call a jewish person a money n-word i think that's

00:21:04.440 yeah yeah but i think wigger is good i think wigger's good some guy hit me up about wigger the

00:21:09.600 other day yeah i think wigger's okay i think it's okay i think i think anything that you can call

00:21:13.940 white people is okay yeah cracker is okay because you guys don't have a lot of fucking things we can

00:21:19.860 call you i don't like redneck though i think it's kind of offensive a little bit but yeah that may be

00:21:25.240 but it's also it's not really my cult it's not my that's not my cult you're woke redneck yeah i mean

00:21:30.520 i'm yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah i just never really was in that you know but it's not like that that

00:21:34.920 you've been to nash i've been in nash i've been to the south bro they're all fucking like us

00:21:39.000 they're just like us it's just like us that's the thing nobody like the news always makes it like

00:21:43.020 everybody's all like at each other's nobody's really like that yeah dude you know what i've

00:21:47.680 been um soul searching you know me because um you know i i automatically hate anybody that likes trump

00:21:56.900 for instance it's a real hot button issue for me is it really it used to be but i've been like kind

00:22:03.340 of stepping back at it and go you know i don't know why people i don't know i've never been in their

00:22:09.180 shoes i don't know what their lives are like or what brought them to the point where they like the

00:22:14.460 guy they might see qualities that i'm just not aware of or whatnot and i'm gonna accept the fact

00:22:20.220 that they're like that yeah i mean and just you know it is what it is that doesn't necessarily mean

00:22:26.320 that they're a bad person or that um you know because a lot of them like i'll look and they'll go

00:22:31.900 trump 2020 but then they'll have like they're really tender with animals yeah right so it's like it's not

00:22:37.600 you know it's not black and white for me now no it's not as black and white as people that were

00:22:42.140 thinking that that kind of stuff is yeah it's like um i know let me i know somebody on this wall

00:22:48.700 who i think is gay okay let me look who it is no no no we're not doing that right now

00:22:55.820 lee syatt that's him i don't even know that but what i'm saying is oh i know who it is dude right

00:23:01.760 right so but you know and it's somebody that doesn't want to share that information so and it's

00:23:08.040 i don't i would never bring it up or pro prod this woman yeah you know what i mean so my point is is

00:23:15.860 that and with you bill burr's wife yeah that's it is it yeah full-blown les wow yeah but my point

00:23:23.800 is is that so you know instinctually krista stefano's daughter the only person yeah no okay

00:23:32.920 go on now are there things that you have thought about making fun of me about but you thought that

00:23:38.760 i would be hurt by it no i say those things like i'll sometimes i'll say dude i'm gonna drop you off

00:23:43.380 at every uh um american legion or every like uh vfw around america you know yeah yeah and let's see

00:23:52.160 those boys finish the war right right right so i used to you know yeah that i kind of share ideas

00:23:57.280 that i have with right and for me dude i ain't vietnamese right right so i get that it's a joke

00:24:03.120 right it's like you know dice andrew nice clay for 25 years he called me ching yeah right and one day

00:24:11.720 i just like the sound or like an asian slur you think i don't know ching i don't think ching is great

00:24:16.320 kind of right right but i one day he goes you know my name right this is after 15 years my name is bobby

00:24:21.720 you know that right he goes yeah what and i go but you call me ching and he goes it says chiching

00:24:28.540 your money right and so it's like it's fine yeah yeah so it's like i know where people's hearts it

00:24:36.960 now if somebody called me ching and they were hanging me by a rope yeah on a tree or putting

00:24:41.220 out a bunch of stuff to make a railroad you know yeah and me and santino are fucking building shit

00:24:45.940 yeah yeah chingy or if chingy what if it was chingy the rapper that'd be fine yeah where is

00:24:51.880 chingy i'll look it up i have a question about it uh we were going to do a segment on king and the

00:24:58.200 sting where we people sent in their tattoos and they tell us about it and brendan and theo would

00:25:02.340 roast it and we want to call it chink my ink it had nothing to do with race yeah like find the

00:25:08.480 chinks in my in my ink yeah it's fine it's fine because there's no asians there that's what i said

00:25:12.920 yeah so did you air it like that no there was some internal strife some people a couple of people

00:25:18.020 in the email chain kind of but check it out check it out the reason fucking fucking check it out

00:25:26.000 the reason why i fucking yeah did podcasts to begin with is to be free uh right because the thing is is

00:25:34.720 that i've done every aspect of showbiz yeah right skating do you ever do you ever did show skating did you

00:25:42.920 you you know what i fucking mean by it what yeah dude dude spread your fingers farther apart if

00:25:50.400 you're gonna talk to me no dude but my point is i have carpal you do yeah bro oh i could easily see

00:25:56.000 that yeah but my point is is that the reason why i fucking did a podcast is to be utterly free yeah

00:26:02.460 right and so if we're now editing and listening to a board or groups of people going you can't say this

00:26:08.580 and that then we're not exercising our right our right to say whatever we fucking want to bro

00:26:14.220 right so it's like fuck that yeah fuck that dude what were you talking about again what was it chink

00:26:18.880 in the chink chink in the ink dude yeah yeah my ink and where chingy is right now yeah and chingy

00:26:23.740 yeah yeah my point is you get what i'm saying right yeah and you know what not to do so the guy

00:26:29.280 no you know what is that chingy right here i've never heard of chingy what is he he's saying right

00:26:34.900 right there right there oh he's a cutie pie he was a guy i was giving directions to somebody and they

00:26:40.960 just put a beat to it i didn't even know what that joke meant but it was funny right there uh

00:26:47.760 i like it when you do that right there he was good man chingy's good yeah maybe he's been producing

00:26:52.640 he's got a beautiful picture of his children there yeah i don't do that's the thing i don't i don't

00:26:57.000 know much about the the rap game yeah you know i was i grew up listening to rock and roll and that

00:27:04.100 was strictly that so i feel shame i you know the other day somebody says you got to listen to notoro

00:27:09.660 big big the tourist big yeah take natara take natara and i listened to her album man it was real

00:27:16.620 fucking hip-hop bro it was good the flavor was good streets no like i was listening to notorious big

00:27:21.560 big big for the first time you know ever and i loved it yeah right and i've been listening to like

00:27:28.160 um um ja rule no uh the guy that died that was friends with beak beyonce no no shit oh i knew it

00:27:39.520 is shane randolph that's him dude shane randolph dude that guy could throw down brah i think i saw him

00:27:46.960 one time um in concert not in person but um there's something i wanted to ask you about bobby

00:27:53.900 so what's up yeah rolling in here with this fucking fake ass haircut dude that shit's kind of weak you

00:28:00.940 know bro can you say something bro yeah of course you're gonna say it we what i say just that's just

00:28:09.440 something i say i know you do you're i know you're free shifted huh huh i did shift yeah yeah why i did

00:28:14.840 shift because you came in here here's a question right here from somebody who's obviously from the

00:28:18.700 past dude from the 17 or 1800s bro this guy obviously oh shit he's from the revenant bro

00:28:23.540 yeah his name is grimy gruzz yeah yo theo you gonna let this fucking guy show up with a mullet

00:28:30.720 on your show the fuck is up with that dude oh listen why don't you ask him while he's there when

00:28:37.660 he's gonna come through and do a show on the rotten apple get bobby down in new york it'd be greatly

00:28:41.620 appreciated all right what you guys do keep it up gang gang bro i will say this big j okerson is

00:28:47.060 taking much better care of himself these days i will easily say that yeah dude when are you gonna

00:28:53.280 go places man what is your fear of going places they want you in europe you're like i don't know man

00:28:58.000 something i'm in an anthill this guy wants you yeah fuck that guy though that bada boom bada bing

00:29:03.720 guy man i'm gonna fuck about that guy look at his lips bro they're so luscious yeah that guy's

00:29:08.880 a legend bro yeah he takes care of his skin oh shit if he was a woman i would eat his pussy look

00:29:13.220 at that luscious lips so juicy my point is is this dude i i don't go does have a nice head i don't go

00:29:21.020 bro where i'm not wanted but you're wanted from one guy bro from one guy let me say this dude i when

00:29:28.340 i was in new york four week four years ago yeah i played oh wow bro gotham gotham get your calendar

00:29:35.600 right did you buy a cheap calendar from someone no bro four years ago i went to gotham you're like

00:29:40.740 i was there foreman for george foreman i'm gonna say this and i did five shows there the fucking

00:29:49.300 third show six people showed up yeah right so i'm not gonna go there and humiliate myself

00:29:54.500 they want you in ireland bro they want you in london they want you in afghanistan they want you in

00:29:59.460 qatar they want you they do they want you in cairo brother how about this friend i will go to

00:30:05.900 these places okay but the consequences if no one shows up is gonna be very deep for you bro bring

00:30:12.620 it on dude no dude i'm being real dude bro they're already look dude if you're over there you got my

00:30:18.920 haircut just take it man this ain't forever bro you want the studio take it man this ain't you know

00:30:24.680 what my next one is gonna be bro what dreadlocks a friend is it yeah i do love that i'm gonna do a

00:30:30.280 dreadlock thing you know i'm gonna look like see you black out a little yeah yeah man i could see

00:30:36.260 you blacking up a little yeah dude um what's going on with the uh with the old lady how's everything

00:30:42.760 good why are you asking because she's a beautiful lady i just thought i would ask here's a question

00:30:47.800 right here from somebody who looks like they've been home alone a lot oh i love incels what up theo

00:30:52.820 what up bobby yeah yeah coming from the great white north canada gang gang bro this question is

00:31:00.560 for bobby what uh is the most unforgivable thing you've ever done oh gang gang gang gang this is

00:31:09.640 gonna be good i i i might get i might get um i can't say it you get canceled no i think this the

00:31:18.260 one unforgivable thing that i've done there was retribution i did suffer the consequences of it

00:31:24.960 but um it's a pretty long story but um i don't know if i can tell it because when i told it one time

00:31:31.340 they had to cut it out you know it's not illegal but it's it's is it like brad williams's story

00:31:39.840 which one that he told on the burton bill burr podcast what did he do he got at the end of the

00:31:46.140 rainbow and the crazy sleepover he was in with gerald what's his name he was like in a bad sleepover

00:31:51.000 with uh not it's not carlos mencia it's not oh no no no mine's way worse bro okay um wow

00:32:00.440 all right you know what maybe i could tell it without the details what you want it or not

00:32:08.960 without the details you want it or not dude it's on my terms bro without the details bro i'll take it

00:32:16.380 then oh yeah that's brad he he apologized for that what did he do hello everyone he just read it he did

00:32:25.320 what is known in some circles as the david blaine uh-huh yeah he's apparently he said on a podcast

00:32:32.000 he made up a story on a podcast getting high with doug on getting high with doug that he had

00:32:37.100 in that he had gone into uh he was working on a tour with carlos mencia and he went in and there

00:32:44.340 was a girl who was going to hook up with carlos on the bus and instead uh carlos sent brad in and

00:32:49.480 brad went in and had sex with the girl yeah and for like 10 minutes she didn't know that it was brad

00:32:54.980 she thought it was carlos and she also sucked uh the bus drivers uh off to get on the bus

00:33:02.360 allegedly yeah in a fake story but did he did he say the name of the woman this fake woman no so how

00:33:08.520 is that in trouble well if just people and then eddie ift goes well that's like technically rape you

00:33:14.280 know if you go in and you have sex with somebody that doesn't know you're gonna have sex with them

00:33:17.760 you know ah and it became like a stink yeah well first of all no one's gonna believe that story

00:33:24.840 right when you when you go back me saying i i was like princess leah and i was in space and i was

00:33:29.900 able to fly around right when you go back and watch the story it's i believe it's obvious to

00:33:35.960 any viewer or listener that oh he's making this up especially when you visually watch it and the

00:33:42.580 question was name something crazy that happened when you were on the road with carlos mencia so

00:33:47.460 he was like searching that yeah right so he made something up because he was under pressure

00:33:51.520 yeah i've done that before oh you can see him do it yeah you can see him be like i don't know what

00:33:55.240 to tell and then he made up the story it definitely seemed made up but people like tripped on him for

00:34:00.260 it really yeah well then let me try to uh approach this story delicately okay okay growing up i was

00:34:10.580 unfuckable right i was i grew up in a play a powe high school you grew up in a beautiful area of san diego

00:34:16.900 i did okay yeah but a lot of white people women didn't like why weren't you in vietnam why weren't

00:34:21.840 you somewhere why weren't you closer to the fucking locust fuck you dude you know why bro it's like

00:34:29.620 saying how to a black guy how come you weren't in nigeria i just was born here okay i don't have no

00:34:35.560 fucking choice okay dude no i don't you know i don't have no fucking i'm sorry i have no fucking

00:34:41.240 choice robert no i didn't know if you guys had come over for something or if you were no i was on

00:34:46.540 like a uh foreign exchange thing i don't know no dude i might i was born you know out of my mom's

00:34:53.120 puss yeah yeah right and i was and it happened to happen in sharp hospital in san diego oh yeah yeah

00:34:59.460 yeah american citizen yeah yeah all day every day yeah that's what that's what they do so growing up in

00:35:06.840 that environment dude and i was a horn dog you know i mean i like to stick my dick in trees were

00:35:12.420 you really yeah i would run my dick against trees yeah bear i would come on things make it grow i

00:35:17.480 could see that yeah like trees and flowers and you get that thing inside you that wants to get out

00:35:21.380 right and when i was in high school there was this thing called the sadie hawkins dance no one ever

00:35:25.600 asked me oh yeah so then i and i graduated and i just had coffee shop jobs you know no money i could

00:35:33.460 see you with a broom in a coffee shop yeah you know i made coffee too as well yeah you know i mean

00:35:40.200 sure after you've been there for a couple months yeah but just not i could see you with the broom in

00:35:43.500 the beginning yeah in the beginning i cleaned you yeah yeah by the end you're like the coffee guy

00:35:47.500 yeah no coffee for you yeah yeah so what happened was um i worked at this restaurant oh yeah yeah

00:35:54.040 as a waiter bro i started off as a broom guy yeah and i got up became a waiter bro and every

00:36:01.240 wednesdays it was tijuana wednesdays you know what that means uh-uh mexican no no dude all the

00:36:09.700 waiters we take our tip money and go to adelita you know what adelita is it's for a prostitute it's a

00:36:16.980 prostitute it's a it's a brothel in tijuana still exists or a very fine man goes there all the time

00:36:23.020 i think he does yeah yeah yeah he has he has actually has a poster on his wall from there

00:36:26.920 it's crazy it's great i used to have a gift shop people love it there right yeah it's crazy yeah

00:36:31.980 and so well do people ever think that do do dumb people ever think that you're mexican

00:36:38.460 anyway uh that's ridiculous bro yes which because i was on that tv but which one is it's ridiculous

00:36:50.820 or the answer is yes yes i they do think i'm mexican yeah easily yeah i could easily see somebody

00:36:55.700 if you're driving by in a truck or something you're going at least 35 miles an hour like oh

00:36:58.700 there's a mexican guy and i'll roll down my window i go you you go raiders and i do that right hey bro

00:37:04.420 what's happening dude you would be a good mexican hey dude what's happening so anyway bro right i one

00:37:13.220 day went there with my crew my waiter crew and all this military was there so all the women were

00:37:20.080 taking up oh yeah yeah scary when military dudes are around you got to really chill out right

00:37:24.840 fuck this is gonna be a hard story to tell man i don't know if i can get around it

00:37:32.860 i'll try you want me to try yeah i'll tell you one i'll tell one after that all right how about this

00:37:38.080 though if i say this story and you think honestly if you think this is gonna ruin me

00:37:44.100 will you cut it out yes i will you promise me yes why'd you roll your eyes bro i didn't i was

00:37:50.860 looking around the room really fast right so these are things that i don't know for a fact but

00:37:55.200 in back of adelida there used to be an alleyway hooker alley oh yeah and so there used to be girls that

00:38:01.040 were too fat to go into adelida oh really yeah wow or women that like are virgins oh okay newbies

00:38:10.880 newbies right so there was this uh i was a crime huh right so um i was walking down hooker alley

00:38:19.760 and there was a girl what to get a girl oh okay yeah uh yeah i didn't know if you were just

00:38:25.000 empanadas or anything okay i didn't know if you were just wandering around you know no no no i was

00:38:29.980 like and when you walk down hooker alley because some of them are really old they'll go you know

00:38:36.420 mister they'll grab you they go mister mister mister let me see that yeah cookie right and then

00:38:43.540 you go you go don't touch me i'm an american like that oh damn yeah i would do that right hey mister

00:38:49.500 let me see that little yeah the little yellow baby yeah but at the end there was this girl let me see

00:38:56.080 the little peepee yeah yeah there was a girl that she seemed scared yeah that's the one i wanted

00:39:01.040 oh wow was it halloween or something yeah man i was wearing my chupacabra mask yeah yeah yeah and

00:39:11.400 like that right but uh she seemed scared bro damn so i picked her you did yeah yeah because you have

00:39:18.680 to now look at the context of it i never get laid right this is the only way i can get laid

00:39:23.380 out this is in 1992 93 long time ago oh wow long time a lot of people listening right wasn't even

00:39:31.920 born yet yeah a lot of people and this is a different time this is a time when prostitution

00:39:35.680 was king really right right right they were the king right so um i took her to this place called

00:39:40.700 miami hotel it's the kind of place you ever see the movie seven no is it like a double tree

00:39:47.620 yeah yeah it's actually a movie about the double tree bro i've stated no no i know seven's about

00:39:53.700 brad pitt yeah yeah but it's it's grimy it's got you know it's got those you know those yellow things

00:39:58.880 that stick down the sticky stuff to catch the flies oh yeah right yeah it's got all those like pine

00:40:04.160 cone air fresheners on the ceilings dangling down the floor was super sticky yeah right dark and there

00:40:10.800 was like a bulletproof glass and and they go you want a room and you go yeah how much

00:40:16.660 ten dollars bro ten dollars you get ten dollars you'll have a door on it or not there's no door

00:40:22.880 you don't know how they get in there how much for a door dude i remember they used to have a motel bus

00:40:26.680 and you would pay it was probably maybe 16 for the room yeah and it was two dollars for the door

00:40:31.660 really yeah and you had to get the door you could bring your own door but it's the odds of it fitting

00:40:37.900 and they would purposely make it a different shape a little bit like an inch off from like a basic door

00:40:42.460 you know from your basic like thoroughfare template you know yeah this is so this is shameful so we go

00:40:48.200 in there they give you a condom and oh they give you a condom yeah but it's like tijuana condom

00:40:53.980 right so it's gum right right they chew gum so it's just some guy standing there like i don't know

00:40:58.680 yeah maybe maybe not you know it's like a crossing guard like right no no no so then you know i um

00:41:06.420 we go into the dark room i stick and how's the woman feeling is she what is she wearing is she

00:41:12.000 i don't really remember what she's wearing i think she was wearing like a um hello kitty shirt

00:41:16.620 you know i mean oh well then that's i'm not saying that that's sexually suggestive yeah but first of

00:41:22.340 all why for kids you can't put them in something called hello kitty she's not expect perverts to

00:41:28.380 show up this is not a kid man this is an adult good good this is an adult so don't say kid

00:41:35.660 i didn't you in the beginning nick do you think he it sounded like he was talking about a kid or an

00:41:44.920 adult who i think he said girl which is ambiguous but okay woman i'm glad fully grown woman bro good

00:41:51.900 you get get me oh it's all i get okay good okay so then uh i stick the condom on and we make you

00:42:00.540 know pure love okay but then what happened was and what style i mean are you guys kind of in a

00:42:07.180 basic style i'm grooving with it cool as a cat okay any music on or is it in my head yeah yeah yeah

00:42:12.200 oh wow or you know what another one is like um richie valens yeah the english part of felice navidad

00:42:19.540 oh yeah yeah i wanna wish you a merry christmas you know i mean i don't do the felice navidad part

00:42:25.260 in my head from the bottom yeah yeah yeah that's a great song by the way probably the best christmas

00:42:29.720 tune on planet earth really you think that yeah because it's for two different cultures and i like

00:42:34.900 the inclusion right right right all that i like vince vance and the valiance they make her they have

00:42:40.900 a really good one so then you know i'm making sweet love to her and there's so now there's a crack

00:42:47.740 in the window when the curtains is closed but the moon is bright that night right so it's shining

00:42:53.220 through this the new year or anything is it like the chinese new year yeah you're right so the crack

00:43:00.300 and you see the light it hits her face and i look at her face and she's crying oh it's not bubbles the

00:43:07.860 whole thing oh yeah so i feel bad you know i'm a good guy right i feel bad so i do what any good guy

00:43:14.820 would do i start power fucking her what is happening bro really yeah so because i want to

00:43:21.900 get it over with oh i see so you start more just having sex at a higher rate power you could say it

00:43:28.760 that way i see nobody's ever looked at you and been like oh yeah that guy power fucks okay bro you

00:43:34.980 seem like a guy that has that more like mousetrap fucks like one yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so then i

00:43:42.400 just i come real quick i put my clothes back on i run out i don't even say goodbye okay so that's

00:43:48.520 part one the second part of the story i call god's revenge oh wow you want to hear it you want to hear

00:43:56.100 god's revenge we do right after this commercial break oh i hate to interrupt this episode man i'm

00:44:01.680 really enjoying my time here with little robert but i gotta tell you that better help is a place that

00:44:08.240 can help people like me and people like little robert better help will assess your needs and match

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00:44:21.320 parking lot of a therapist you don't want you're afraid of who you might see in the hallway um

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00:44:34.360 getting help for yourself um then better help may be an option for you better help allows you to

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00:45:36.240 your first month of help for yourself at betterhelp.com slash theo i've uh i've pulled over in my car

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00:45:51.300 um it is there when you need it betterhelp.com slash theo and now back to the episode hey there

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00:47:38.260 see what skills they have and we're back for it sorry i just i've never done that before but i thought

00:47:46.720 you nailed it you nailed it so well bro what are you doing down there why did you go down there what

00:47:55.380 to the brothel why are you in this bobby because the thing is is that i can't get women back then

00:48:00.200 this is way before i did stand up well what about stevie does he have women oh no he's in cell too

00:48:07.420 friend oh right my brother little brother but you know he got more than i did what about those

00:48:11.220 mom is she letting y'all come over to even spend time at the house or anything like you guys aren't

00:48:14.540 getting any kind of tlc or anything no nothing bro nothing what yeah dude it was hard but dude it

00:48:21.760 this is the event the second part of the story is the event of what drove me into doing stand up

00:48:27.660 really okay so i go back down there do you remember her name no bro i don't even know what she looks

00:48:34.600 like bro jesus what no i don't know her name don't act like i'm the bad guy yeah because i care a little

00:48:41.800 bit let's give her a name stacy okay stacy yeah so stacy yeah so stacy i go to find stacy again two

00:48:49.560 weeks later so you had a nice time i just like stacy okay right i thought we had a thing going

00:48:56.840 i thought you said you were she was disappointed she was okay so let me do this bobby so i go to i

00:49:05.140 go i go to hooker alley and there's no one there oh i don't know what happened what was it was it a

00:49:10.440 holiday you made martin luther king day i mean was it a holiday was there an i don't fucking remember

00:49:16.660 bro there's just no one there that day bro but are you paying attention to your own life

00:49:20.620 no no maybe it was a tamale festival maybe a mile down i don't know bro you're driving three hours to

00:49:25.540 mexico you don't know if it's a holiday well no i'm in san diego at the time oh yeah so it's a 20

00:49:31.000 minute drive so you haven't even done stand up yet no wow i just said that what age are you 21

00:49:37.200 20 21 okay but at the end of hooker alley is this red-headed albino not kidding you dwarf

00:49:48.080 hispanic kid hold on a second let me add all these things up yeah redneck albino red-headed

00:49:55.140 sorry red-headed albino albino not kidding you bro straight from a david lynch movie brah dwarf hispanic

00:50:03.400 albino yeah wow and he goes hey you want some pussies wow more than one yeah i go wow he said

00:50:14.540 plural so i go yeah i like pussies you some good pussy follow me so i followed this fucking guy how

00:50:23.300 long does it take to follow him small guys if you follow a small guy dude it takes twice as long

00:50:26.960 exactly so it was three blocks so um it took seven hours bro i'd have left after one block

00:50:34.380 right bro why don't you just tell me where to go and i'll get there all right you know not to be rude

00:50:39.840 he goes this is my friend raul so we meet this other dude and he's like six two oh yeah skinny

00:50:46.880 tats to his wrist he looks scary bro and he's wearing like an like a weird black overcoat thing and

00:50:52.740 is he spanish as well yeah he's mexican okay like a bullseys he said oh same thing he knows so they

00:50:58.820 both know each other yeah they know each other follow me so i follow these fucking guys 12 blocks i'm

00:51:05.680 not kidding you oh my but it gets to the point where there's no more street lights huh tumbleweed

00:51:10.560 three-legged dogs walking around and i'm now going i think i'm in trouble which i was i was in big

00:51:18.660 trouble oh so he sees this gate we see this gate and it is through you so he opens the gate and did

00:51:28.620 it seem was there any art outside was there any like thing where it's like oh this is like a shepherd

00:51:33.460 fairy painting on the wall what the fuck are you talking about anything that leads you to believe

00:51:36.880 there's women there's are you seeing no nothing nothing okay nothing nice so as soon as he i walked

00:51:43.440 through this alleyway the little man just takes off running oh my god and i go where the fuck and

00:51:48.580 then by the time that thought happens now i'm up against the wall and this dude because this guy

00:51:55.720 put this tall guy pushed me against the wall and he takes out a fucking machete

00:52:00.680 and he sticks against my throat he goes give me your money so then i go yeah for the for sex or not

00:52:12.460 no bro okay well you're not giving us any yeah yeah you it's assumptions bro there ain't gonna be

00:52:20.180 no pussy i know okay there's no pussies okay okay there's no pussies okay so there's nothing right

00:52:25.800 so that was a red herring so there's no fish there so the truth is though this man wants to be a robber

00:52:32.320 that's what he is he's a criminal oh my god so that he sticks the so i give him the money bro i had

00:52:38.640 like 250 bucks oh yeah why don't you grab a lot of money back then well i had just 250 dollars in

00:52:43.920 1995 nick will you look that up please

00:52:46.140 you guys want to keep

00:52:49.820 yeah yeah okay so the guy has you against the wall he has the knife knife so he so he he has a knife

00:52:56.720 right and he pulls the money out and he sticks my wallet it throws on it was i distinctly remember

00:53:02.440 there's a puddle where my wallet was and i'm thinking oh good i give him the money i'm just

00:53:08.320 gonna leave no dude he grabs my hair and he sticks the fucking machete to my throat and he proceeds

00:53:16.480 to cut scary no yeah he cut your throat no right when i feel the sharp blade like him pushing in

00:53:23.940 i hear two other voices down this alleyway and now is that the chicks or not no there's no pussy bro

00:53:31.600 okay okay i'm hopeful it was last 419 dollars and 39 cents you gave the guy okay so i give him 419

00:53:40.720 right but i also worked at a really nice restaurant oh yeah that makes sense then it's nothing take that

00:53:48.680 out anyway but my point is so then these two other dudes right yeah they go and they're with

00:53:56.940 now the the dwarf showed up back up he was there too with these guys and they're fighting no what are

00:54:03.560 they fighting about that you we want a piece of the money i heard dinero whatever right this is our

00:54:08.740 alleyway what the fuck are you doing we want some of that money and what is it what are you thinking

00:54:13.560 about escaping like what do you know i of course bro no i want to have tea yeah yeah yeah no i i so

00:54:19.960 as soon as he the guy releases me i go down i'm a little and also back then i wasn't fat like you

00:54:26.900 were hurt did you fake no no i dude at that time i was skinny and fast yeah right so i grabbed the

00:54:33.240 wallet and i start running and the all four of them start chasing after me now i'm running like carl

00:54:40.420 louis through these streets bro and were you pretty fast or not you're pretty fast then then

00:54:43.700 i was and also your adrenaline and your life is at stake dude i mean trust me dude something came

00:54:48.940 over me dude i was zipping but they were fast as fuck pro too right and they're chasing me through

00:54:54.700 zigzagging through all these streets just imagine going through these corners right running oh and

00:55:00.120 then i see this corner there's cement everywhere sometimes in mexico you're in a weird area there's

00:55:04.660 like suddenly there's a piece of cement like what the fuck right right a lot of potholes yeah difficult

00:55:09.080 to run right yeah but then i see in this corner this pink awning with a neon sign blinking and i go

00:55:18.180 that's a business something and i run toward it and then the lord presented himself to me

00:55:25.000 30 black marines walk out of this fucking bar and i run toward them i'm an american i mean i'm an

00:55:35.820 american these guys are trying to kill me i'm not gonna die you know i mean that whole fucking thing

00:55:39.160 bro and they go hey buddy we'll walk you to the border buddy wow so two of them walked me to the

00:55:47.020 fucking border dude right number one i never went back except to get drugs later when i relapsed but i

00:55:56.140 never went back to get pussy yeah that was that done for me yeah right and number two maybe a year

00:56:03.940 later i started doing stand-up but it was the event that made me go you gotta do something with

00:56:10.160 your life bro right because your life yeah because all the oh yeah this kind of behavior and this kind

00:56:16.300 of this cut is not me and it's not the lifestyle i want to live right and so um you know a year later

00:56:22.840 i was walking down the la jolla comedy store and they had a help wanted sign and i knocked on it

00:56:27.800 and i could can i get a job here so in nine thousand 1994 and then i worked there for a while

00:56:34.640 and then in 95 i did open mic so that was like a catalyst for really kind of like just yeah sometimes

00:56:41.080 you have those events that show you okay this is what's going on with you right now this is where

00:56:44.820 you're at is this where you really want to be yeah it's like yeah and you know what i'm a human

00:56:50.380 being and um i make mistakes and you know i also have a you know i'm a i've been in and out of

00:56:56.140 sobriety all my life you know i started doing crystal methamphetamine at 12 hell yeah right so

00:57:01.600 i've always you know because of my dad's trauma i my dad used to beat the shit out of me oh

00:57:07.040 no i'm being real like my brother and i and my mom yeah why would he do that he didn't get you

00:57:12.700 wrong and take a fucking golf club and beat them at five six seven years old so i have all this

00:57:19.180 ptsd and trauma and then at 12 i'd start doing drugs because i needed to find relief oh definitely

00:57:26.220 and then at 17 i got sober but my point is is that you know i've you know since i was born i've had a

00:57:32.580 rocky thing you know and luckily at 23 i was still sober and i um i found stand-up and it was literally

00:57:41.180 literally three months a miracle happened i when you were um a doorman at the comedy store and you

00:57:47.840 were doing stand-up what they would do is they would go on saturday nights if you door you can

00:57:54.420 host either the first or second show and there was two doormans you would choose this time i get the

00:57:59.700 first one second it was a great opportunity straight on stage that's how i met mencia that's how i met

00:58:04.480 paulie that's how i met all these guys that are i'm friends with still today right did um did

00:58:10.600 black uh did who's the did richard pryor ever come through or no yeah i'll tell you that in a

00:58:16.780 second but um what happened was one saturday night i was on stage and this is when prince and

00:58:23.520 princess diana died oh yeah i remember that right i have a good princess diana story right and um

00:58:28.820 i remember um this girl crying after the show this beautiful white girl her name was jennifer

00:58:37.200 just blue eyes tan and what did you do have sex with her no what i said what i touched her back

00:58:45.280 and i she was crying i go why are you crying this is after the show she goes princess diana i don't

00:58:51.260 know it's just really and i go oh i'm sorry for your loss or what i said something right and then

00:58:56.840 i was sweeping up you know with the mom yeah after the club and the manager goes hey lee fred burns

00:59:04.380 used to manage club you got a phone call and it was the girl and she goes hey i live in oceanside

00:59:11.200 come over and i went over there and so granted i've never had regular girls before right and i remember

00:59:19.960 60 her mom was out of town or something we 69 in her mom's closet oh my and i remember i remember

00:59:26.520 her ass smell the shoes too i love being in somebody's mom's closet you can smell their fucking

00:59:30.980 nice high heels and stuff in there it wasn't a memory that was lodged into my head okay okay but i do

00:59:37.220 remember is it cold in there kind of that's another another thing another experience that i don't recall

00:59:42.300 okay okay but i remember grabbing her cheeks and you know you're 69 i'm always the bottom i never do

00:59:49.760 top really yeah yeah any dude that goes on the top of a 69 is a fucking creep yeah yeah because then

00:59:57.700 you have your mouth fucking her i don't like any guy who goes upstairs on a 69 bro yeah yeah yeah i don't

01:00:04.240 think i've ever seen that you're right it's always the bottom my bad that's insane it's insane bro

01:00:09.360 a guy goes upstairs on a 69 yeah that is great right but i remember grabbing her cheeks yeah and

01:00:17.160 looking up at you know not the sky but the ceiling but that god and i remember going with a tear in my

01:00:24.920 eye yeah and that fills up most of your eye because i'm asian that's true yeah that's not racist no well

01:00:31.880 people don't think that yeah you get a tear man you you know what i'm saying you're a third waterlog

01:00:36.320 dude you're fucking you're halfway through the titanic movie right you know right i get one i can

01:00:41.840 still fucking bobby's snowmobile right right play tennis whatever right yeah so i was like i said thank

01:00:46.900 you god you know i mean by the way with eye jokes can i just say this as a side note yeah i love them

01:00:53.300 you know i mean it's like one time i did a photo shoot for a magazine and the photographer was white

01:00:59.040 and he said something kind of racist he didn't mean to he goes hey we need more expression in your eyes

01:01:04.160 they go what the fuck bro that's what i said to him there's like two things i do open and close bro

01:01:09.780 this is happy said angry and it made everyone laugh i love eye jokes by the way you know

01:01:14.520 it's juvenile people always call me chinese and china boy because i have narrow eyes yeah yeah

01:01:20.500 and mine's are kind of slanted too and one of mine doesn't even match the other one because you

01:01:24.760 have an old dad that's why it's genetic something i don't know what it is your dad's come

01:01:29.100 fucked you up i think i mean i don't want to think about that why that's crazy i don't think

01:01:34.140 about semen coming out of my father i know but your dad was old right yeah but isn't it crazy that

01:01:38.460 we're all semen what you mean dog i'm just saying we are all semen yeah dude i got semen inside me is

01:01:46.900 that what you mean but that we started off as semen that's crazy there was other things going on with

01:01:52.420 that you know we had to go inside the overall right there's a lot going on yeah yeah yeah there's a lot

01:01:57.440 going on i believe you got to hit that overall because if that's if that's true then we could

01:02:01.020 just nut nut in a you know petri dish and just pour warm water and maybe it'll grow do you well

01:02:07.700 do you ever get nervous that when you're ejaculating a lot of women now will hold it and sneak off and

01:02:13.340 use it you know or they'll save it real quick another person like a heating environment and then

01:02:18.520 get rid of it later sell it never heard of that before my life bro it's going on so what you're

01:02:23.020 saying to me is this right i'm i'm 69ing a woman i'm on top no no but just let me give you the

01:02:29.740 scenario i'm on top and i'm you know i mean i come in her how do you say a mouth that's so crude

01:02:36.240 yeah look at nothing can get cruder than some of the stuff that's already been right right so she's

01:02:40.680 now yeah right she has in her mouth holding her breath yeah right right and then you go hey i'm

01:02:45.900 gonna go pee and then and then she spits it in a in a warm container and then she uses as a baby

01:02:51.640 yeah and then that's crazy well is it crazy because right here we have an article and it says woman

01:02:57.260 keeps sperm from oral sexual encounter uses to get pregnant man sues wow yeah an appeals court said a

01:03:06.100 man can press a claim for emotional distress after learning a former lover had used his sperm to have a

01:03:11.900 baby but he can't claim theft the ruling said because the sperm were hers to keep wow why by the

01:03:19.360 illinois appellate court sends dr richard o phillips distress case back to the trial court

01:03:24.680 so they don't want to deal with it they moved it back but that's a ridiculous thing to sue for because

01:03:29.300 i'm gonna say this right if you stole my toenail like clip my nails and you i just left them on the

01:03:35.640 table right and then you took it right that's yours

01:03:40.220 but what if your toenails had little u's inside of them and i took them and created those little

01:03:49.900 u's how would you feel about it like you cloned me based you took the dna from the toenail well

01:03:55.900 that's exactly what this lady's doing she's i think i think that that there's there's a way i think that

01:03:59.900 like bro you just have to be conscious like for instance you nut in the mouth and you look and you

01:04:06.420 go i need to see you spit it out or swallow oh my god right now where oh where is it where are you

01:04:13.820 flint michigan she's saying she's like where are you if she goes like that then what i do is i go

01:04:20.900 all right in her cheeks and it spits out like that that's mine you're right you have to be more

01:04:27.460 conscious i'm just saying it's getting down to it right where people are let me ask you about

01:04:32.840 cloning though bro okay because some chinese dude just got arrested for cloning humans where at his

01:04:37.680 apartment yeah yeah yeah yeah in singapore made a little apartment right let me ask you something

01:04:42.920 right if you can clone a human bro then the idea of god are we creating men then or is god creating

01:04:50.520 the man god's creating you're out here duplicating anybody can make a xerox machine you know what i'm

01:04:56.120 saying like we already did that like we can clone other stuff but only the only guy with the real

01:05:00.820 blueprint is god you know that's good i like that that's good because now because in my head because

01:05:07.200 you know i believe in a god because of my 12-step journey i believe in a god yeah yeah so for me it's

01:05:12.180 like i don't want anything to interfere with it but that was fucking me up bro the cloning really

01:05:16.640 yeah yeah because it's like if we could create things on our own now in a whim right it takes time but

01:05:22.540 we you know we we have the technology to do it then there is no god because we're doing it

01:05:26.860 but the things we're gonna clone are not gonna be as high quality dude you're gonna clone some real

01:05:32.200 bootleg shit you know oh right like the meat yeah you're gonna have like bobby lee right you know

01:05:38.560 you're gonna have like bobby leak and it's just some guy who's just walking around and just is

01:05:42.140 leaking all the time right right damn this guy's wet you know yeah okay like we're there's gonna be

01:05:47.460 faulty it's not gonna fully happen you're not gonna get the best quality yeah yeah you know

01:05:52.320 you're gonna get secondary meat i will say this that the japanese now are you can send them your

01:05:58.400 hair and they will grow a whole crop of it and send it back to you can you look that up nicholas please

01:06:02.860 yeah man this is wild when i learned about this

01:06:09.180 but back with the suing the woman dude that reminds me bro check this out before we get into

01:06:16.420 this if we don't mind yeah is that fucking there was a chinese dude that married another asian lady

01:06:22.880 but she had plastic surgery okay right so she looked really pretty but genetically she was ugly

01:06:29.660 oh right so then what happened was dude they had kids and the kids were ugly so he he divorced her

01:06:37.840 wow what do you think of that morally

01:06:41.980 it breaks my heart but it's like what else are you gonna do because you can't just get the

01:06:48.620 surgery on the children so then you have to you're right i can't believe it's like

01:06:54.420 like it was a diddy i wonder if he knew that she had had plastic surgery he must not have known no he

01:06:59.080 didn't know wow yeah he was deceived so you know i guess now we have to go look at people's faces women's

01:07:04.660 yeah and if we would have a baby dude let me see your first face yeah i mean or is that your real

01:07:08.860 fucking face yeah show me the real face yeah show me the real face yeah and i'll base it on the photo

01:07:13.420 yeah yeah yeah yeah let me see that first face you see anything i see like hair replication hair

01:07:19.800 replication and stuff but not like an article that really it says it all happens in japan i'm looking

01:07:25.260 for but my point though is is that you can still do it without growing it my point is is this what

01:07:31.800 you're saying to me is that these japanese fools right have the technology to grow hair based on

01:07:38.060 our hair right you can send them a hair and they will send you back an entire you know like a little

01:07:42.400 half acre so then what you have just your hair next to the fucking cactus tree yeah then you get it

01:07:47.920 installed in your head oh that's oh so that's what you're saying but you can put it in the baby's

01:07:51.740 room if you want i mean you can do whatever you want with it you have a certain amount what i was

01:07:55.360 gonna do with it is just make like a pee rug for my fucking dogs well what you would do is probably

01:08:00.400 you would just take my hair and then and just make yours just like mine is exactly what you would

01:08:04.820 do company uses patients own cells to put an end to baldness aging skin and tendon degeneration i

01:08:11.880 don't think that's it so that sounds better to me better tendons because look at polyshore

01:08:17.060 you think that that's his real hair i don't know it's it's a maybe it's a secret but he you know he

01:08:24.780 he got back here he took those out and then plugged them into oh i've had that you did that

01:08:31.220 yeah did it twice when let me see once two years ago and then once this year did it hurt months ago

01:08:37.660 does it hurt uh it doesn't feel like super yeah yeah you know what i'm gonna do what get my hair

01:08:44.500 beard implants beard implants i thought i'm getting sideburns on my thighs

01:08:49.840 that'd be cool that'd be pretty cool dude i never thought of that so what are you gonna get full

01:08:56.720 beard put in there but you get it yeah because you know i have my number i have my 60 year old look

01:09:01.660 on lockdown oh yeah definitely so i'm 50 now right but i already know you're 50 almost two years i'll be

01:09:07.980 50 yeah you're not 50 yet yeah but i have my 60 year old look if i make it that long on lockdown

01:09:13.480 what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna grow my hair really long but i'm not gonna put plugs i'm gonna have a

01:09:18.760 balding here right but i'm gonna have a full-on beard right i'm gonna have you know you're right

01:09:24.220 um john lennon what like a wreck i'm gonna have raccoon eyes right i'm gonna wear a poncho or some

01:09:33.440 sort of like um you know how people from arizona wear those you know they have the you know that

01:09:39.220 certain color not aztec but oh yeah turquoise turquoise kind of coloring right i'm gonna kind

01:09:44.660 of look like a burning man kind of a guy oh yeah and i want to be like a shaman type of look

01:09:48.540 oh i could see you being like a wolf boy dude i'll tell you this you go anywhere near fucking

01:09:52.680 tennessee somebody's gonna gun you down bro with all that with all that hair on your body but dude

01:09:57.480 how crazy to think and yeah in 20 years you're gonna be able to be like oh yeah i want this eye

01:10:01.220 completely covered in hair dude here's a picture of me right there what what yeah what did you do

01:10:08.080 there this one i got fue hair transplant oh i see yeah but something's going on with your fucking

01:10:13.740 because here's the thing they inject you and then it starts to come down the injections come down your

01:10:19.260 face at a certain point and it all like expands and gets expansive and that's crazy looking i look

01:10:24.660 like a wait wait that's not from your hair plug you got like botox in your face no when they do one of

01:10:29.700 the things that they put some of the when they do the fue when they do they take your blood out and

01:10:35.620 they get the cells out of it the white plasma and then they inject that just into your head

01:10:40.620 and whenever they do um no wait when they do the hair transplant they have to put like saline or

01:10:49.240 something in saline solution and that makes its way down your face like it over time it has to like

01:10:56.540 how long does that take it takes a couple days so you can't leave the house you can it's just risky

01:11:01.260 what'd you do though what did you just let the you just stayed in the house uh i had to go to work

01:11:05.620 i mean i had to come in here and definitely yeah i did a podcast i do would you wear sunglasses

01:11:09.720 uh no he's just full on that face i actually look like benedict cumberbatch there bro dude

01:11:17.100 heavy on the batch dude yeah yeah it was a bad look i look like that guy oh yeah that's the guy

01:11:23.280 from ghostbusters 2 bro yeah yeah yeah wow i can't believe that i didn't even know we had this as a

01:11:28.400 clip oh that's amazing a lot of people off of getting the translator yeah yeah but will you

01:11:34.760 give me the um read some of the comments i want to see this yeah this is the most unnecessary hair

01:11:40.440 surgery ever it's like a girl with double d's getting a boob job uh i like surgery that's why i

01:11:47.800 get it yeah but dude can you give me the number because maybe because i'm gonna now for sure i'm

01:11:54.300 gonna do the beard thing for sure you should get dimples made out of hair or not dimples but

01:11:57.860 little round little hair i want to work again bro i want to survive in society bro i'm not gonna

01:12:03.500 do that bro you're gonna look like a fucking little bitty chewbacca that fucking deals cards

01:12:10.320 at night in reno people are gonna love you i ain't gonna do it i can't do it i don't have the

01:12:15.700 confidence bro bro you should get hair put fully around each eye bro then you could go mate with a

01:12:22.100 raccoon imagine sneaking up on a raccoon and they don't expect anything yeah yeah you're just

01:12:27.260 pleasure in a couple let me think about it though let me think about it yeah think about it i won't

01:12:30.940 get any roles on nothing but yeah dude oh you easily get a role let me ask you something because

01:12:35.860 you've teased when i'm sometimes when i'm on a sitcom or whatever you tease me about it do you think

01:12:41.900 that's a bad look to be on a sitcom yeah yeah because you know be honest with me because you know

01:12:47.700 i know that that because i know that doing podcasts and shit is cool right i get to reach

01:12:54.920 my real fans and whatnot but every once in a while i like to dress up and do do that but there's

01:13:00.680 sometimes when i'm on a sitcom i feel like it's i'm not being creative or it's kind of selling out

01:13:07.400 or there's a feeling of selling out or something yeah i mean do you view that or do you think it's

01:13:12.940 still cool to because i'm going to go to hawaii next week to do another magnum pi and i love that

01:13:17.620 show love that show god it was so good dude the old one you liked yeah but not the new one they have

01:13:23.700 a new one i didn't know they had a new one yeah i'm on the new one all right you're you already on

01:13:31.280 it i've done this is my fourth one coming out could i see any episodes of it yet yeah it's online yeah

01:13:36.320 because it's second season wow yeah yeah look at the whole halloween episode this i played yoko ono in

01:13:40.880 you did yeah i would love that man but you know magnum pi now is a mexican dude no way yeah jay

01:13:46.080 hernandez he's a good dude magnum pi see that was me that was me and jay and we did the uh the uh

01:13:51.480 the hawaii episode bro uh let me see jay hernandez get the first click the first one

01:13:58.820 see that's jay oh wow yeah yeah

01:14:03.420 oh yeah latino huh yeah so he's matt he's a good dude that's perdita weak she's great too man

01:14:10.840 but yeah she looks beautiful but when i do shit like that though does it is that that's still a

01:14:15.300 good roseanne barely in that picture me yeah yeah you look nice oh fuck you were in hawaii shooting

01:14:23.540 that yeah i go to hawaii again it's fun bro but my point though is is that coming to perform there soon

01:14:28.380 oh you're gonna love it maui and i don't know oh i've done it before yeah i love it yeah at the mac

01:14:33.760 yeah man you're gonna love it i'm excited yeah it's gonna be great but my point is is this is that a

01:14:38.160 bad look or no i don't think so i mean i think there's if there's fun stuff that you do you know

01:14:43.520 i mean look everybody's their own way you know i think some people it's hard to like be yourself

01:14:49.260 and to really like i think a lot of sitcoms and stuff like this it's a tough place for them to write

01:14:54.140 a lot of humor because the advertising everything that's attached and um and they're so scared about

01:14:59.720 offending people or about this and that but at the same time i think that if there's something

01:15:04.880 that you want to do to make yourself feel like you are being as artistic as you can like you're

01:15:10.780 saying sometimes you want to dress up and go to the dance sometimes you want to play in the yard you

01:15:14.620 know it's like no but something to do bro bro you know my dream is bigger than doing stand-up

01:15:21.960 and podcasts although those are my foundations and whatnot but dude it's you know i've been in movies

01:15:27.680 before it feels you know i i did it i was in the dictator and i did a scene with ben kingsley

01:15:32.620 and you know you're talking to a dude like that right and it makes you feel you learn you know and

01:15:38.180 and you're also like it's exciting you know and it feels like you know all this hard work it feels

01:15:44.260 like it's sometimes it pays off because you're around you know really good actors and you're like

01:15:49.440 i can't believe i'm in this situation if you and you pat yourself on the back why what's wrong with

01:15:53.800 that nothing nothing it's good man i think it's good i just wish they would have put you on the

01:15:58.600 billboard for the last show you were in remember they put four whites on there

01:16:01.560 and they didn't put you on there what was the billboard for that show what was it called

01:16:05.140 home improvement no it's called splitting up together splitting up together yeah yeah if nick

01:16:09.660 if you look up that billboard on there yeah and we'll see that they didn't put old bobby bear on

01:16:14.900 there what in the f dude they got a kid on there dude that kid might not even live that long dude

01:16:22.680 you got to put bobby i know but dude and i asked them there's the first time i went to the producer

01:16:28.460 go hey can i be on the background yeah and they go no it's for it's about a family

01:16:35.960 i go just put me in the background yeah and they go no and they go why and i go because

01:16:42.160 the whole reason why i want to miss sitcom is to cause other people pain

01:16:46.660 i want to be on a billboard so my enemies can drive by oh yeah right and they can see oh bobby's

01:16:54.960 still working yeah yeah yeah that's the whole point of it yeah and they wouldn't put me on that

01:17:00.620 i could put me on the warner brother all of us so i could cause some people some pain dude that

01:17:05.540 happened to me with netflix i did a special and they put everybody else was on a billboard that year

01:17:10.280 and mine was the only one that they didn't put a billboard did you get angry yeah hurt my feelings

01:17:14.620 yeah people see here's the thing hollywood right you have to be conscious about it because the

01:17:20.700 thing is is that especially us bro i will rat bro i'm gonna i'm gonna say something right now

01:17:27.000 say it i was at irvine right check this out bro and i want to see if you could be on my side on this

01:17:32.580 okay i am i am okay so i drive to irvine improv i sold out every show i'm not bragging it's just

01:17:42.460 the fact right that 2500 seats right there's two restaurants adjacent to that oh yeah javier's

01:17:50.520 mexican joint yep i've been there before and there's others the paul martin or whatever right

01:17:55.180 so i go to paul the restaurant first i'm there a little early and i go hey i know you're busy but

01:18:01.740 i just need a table for one i'm headlining next door and i really kind of need a table i can't wait an

01:18:05.640 hour they go no i go yeah but come on dude i i caused so much traffic to come in here because i

01:18:14.620 know half my fans eat here yeah they go no i go to the improv i go can you work something out we don't

01:18:22.080 know nobody is what they say they go we have a connection to javier this is the worst one i go

01:18:27.400 into javier's these two mexican host dudes and i go hey i'm headlining next door do they have tattoos

01:18:32.620 or anything no no they're you know clean ones you know they're not mc 15 or whatever right right

01:18:37.720 right and so they go um no and i go dude i just one no i got they called i thought the improv called

01:18:46.160 they did call we don't give a shit no right so now bro i'm livid i'm fucking livid right now do i have

01:18:54.340 any right to be mad or do because the thing is is that i played that improv 20 times in my life i've i've

01:19:02.480 i've helped business flow into that area not just me but all the comics yeah you know i mean and then

01:19:08.880 so you know maybe i maybe i'm acting like a baby about it yeah right but do you think that i'm in

01:19:16.080 the right to be hurt and mad about it no i don't at all man i think you should eat over at the improv

01:19:20.680 dude because improv is good food and they can also just bring food back to you in the in the green room

01:19:25.700 if you just want to eat there i think going in there and demanding a table for one which is basically

01:19:30.380 saying hey yeah we want a serial killer to hang out in here for 40 minutes is one of the it just

01:19:36.540 seems like a not even a good idea so you're not on my side no you're a fucking asshole no i am an

01:19:46.080 asshole but i'm not an asshole that would go in there and fucking demand that i'm not demand no i

01:19:50.320 wasn't bro stop sound like you're demanding stop he didn't do anything i know but i he give me his

01:19:56.120 beady his eyes eyes are like fish he has nerves he has fish eyes right here man upper nervousness

01:20:00.960 yeah but my point is is this but i didn't demand anything i was gracious about it but you stood

01:20:07.980 there and looked like you were upset after they said whatever you know and you kind of probably

01:20:11.540 went like that with your hands you know and you probably can't even move your arms that high in

01:20:15.000 the air let's take another question for a guest that came in we got some really great ones that

01:20:18.300 came in for you robert here's a guy right here about i hate you bro huh sometimes that's fine hate me

01:20:23.320 dude that's what happens if i can get my hair cut and come to my yard boy gang let's go

01:20:27.440 what up theo what up bobby what's up player uh my name's nick i'm from utah and i just wanted to ask

01:20:35.560 you guys what your thoughts are on erectile dysfunction um you know as a young guy it's kind

01:20:41.380 of hard to go through and i just wanted to know what your guys perspective is on it and kind of how

01:20:47.060 to deal with it um gang gang sleep nation sleep king slept king have a good one fuck yeah it doesn't

01:20:56.000 make any sense does it bobby slept king um i'll say this brother gang bro gang gang bro you have to

01:21:02.020 wake up dog that's what i'm telling you dude here's the thing have you ever dealt with erectile dysfunction

01:21:05.780 and i want to uh what do you what's really happened i have a phenomenon i'm a part of a phenomenon

01:21:12.540 called porn erectile dysfunction okay and for me dude it's like i weeded porn out of my life

01:21:20.520 really i did oh nice man for how long for the rest of my life how long has it been out that's what

01:21:26.100 i mean since i've been sober this time so about 60 days that's awesome man yeah so now i have to do

01:21:31.840 my imagination yeah but the thing is is that um and it's a phenomenon that's going on with especially

01:21:38.920 men millennials because you know you and i you're much younger than i am but back in my day when if

01:21:45.900 you wanted to jerk off to pornography especially as a kid you'd have to go to the dirt lot there used

01:21:51.640 to be a rock a communal rock oh yeah and you would lift it and there would be a hustler magazine

01:21:56.780 underneath there and there's mildew and titties missing beautiful beautiful right

01:22:01.820 and you would jerk off real quick in the forest right and then you put it back in the thing right

01:22:06.920 but now you imagine kids have access to anything that they want right so now these kids before they

01:22:15.520 even have sex with a woman yeah they they jerk off to fucking yeah bbw bangs an oyster and you're like

01:22:21.320 right right right right that kind of stuff right it's crazy town right so my point is is that you have

01:22:26.980 to fucking completely weed it out and i think it takes about six months to completely reset your

01:22:34.860 mind wow right so my advice to you is try not to masturbate masturbate with your imagination if you

01:22:43.260 need to because you got to get it out well you don't have to i mean you can do that nocturnal bus

01:22:47.900 dude which is basically where you uh ejaculate in your sleep and a lot of people get into that dude

01:22:54.280 you know i'm saying blowing in the darkness bro you know yeah but but like a fucking trumpeter with

01:23:00.320 no electricity but you're asleep when it's happening yeah yeah yeah so you just wake up

01:23:04.600 and there's man goo all over your belly yeah but that's you didn't have to you didn't have to touch

01:23:08.260 yourself right that's the real david blaine right right so do that as well yeah there's just another

01:23:15.340 way to do it if you don't want to jerk off all the time right right but yeah to to build up that chi

01:23:20.200 and to chi up a little yeah that's beautiful i was the longest time you fucking didn't masturbate

01:23:25.860 the longest time i've ever gone probably i would say is probably two months it's hard bro so hard

01:23:31.340 to do man so hard to do and the hard part is for me is if i engage with someone texting and anything

01:23:36.600 sensual or somebody send me a dirty image yeah a leg anything like that if it's been a month six

01:23:42.020 weeks if somebody even send me a leg you know yeah if they even send me like a pac-man the one with

01:23:46.500 the fucking ribbon in her hair yeah i'll bust out bro one time carlos missy a long time ago goes

01:23:52.060 hey dude you want to go to honduras so he flew me to honduras but he didn't tell me where basically

01:23:59.000 you had to fly into honduras then take another little flight and hit this dirt patch then take

01:24:06.220 a canoe ride for six hours to go to his village so where he's from yeah that's where he's born so

01:24:13.880 then i'm in this village no electricity no running water and i have to be there for a month and i

01:24:20.400 literally turned to him and go i'm going to go back on the canoe and go home he goes no dude so i had

01:24:25.860 to eat their food no electricity you stayed there yeah so it's like i had a mosquito net in a fucking

01:24:32.340 shack y'all weren't even performing no dude i was just there bro and what and and i also looked at the

01:24:39.160 there's a hundreds of female villagers there beautiful they're more they're more indigenacy

01:24:45.820 looking yeah yeah which they're all human beings we're all brothers and sisters yeah yeah but i tell

01:24:51.600 you this right now three weeks in i was stalking them oh yeah because you reset your dick right and

01:24:58.680 all of a sudden like your prime you know it's primal you know and then i could find like parts of them

01:25:04.500 that i liked look at that fucking shoulder blade yeah look at those kneecaps sexy them clavies baby

01:25:11.380 yeah bro and so i was able to so i could probably you can always reset your shit bro it doesn't always

01:25:18.060 have to be like barely legal or the kind of old porn i watch old jay you know old jay is old japanese

01:25:24.040 no man there's a site called old jay it's like nine year old men and 18 year old women so i used

01:25:30.700 to do that wow that's pure that's pure and simple it's insane but good i don't think it's pure or

01:25:37.180 simple man yeah old jay huh i'm trying to think if you went some old guy dude if i'm real old i don't

01:25:42.780 know at a certain point can having sex like endanger you if it like get your heart real hot you know

01:25:48.820 but i would rather die that way i wouldn't i'd rather die chilling out dude what on a fucking

01:25:55.120 couch watching fucking jeopardy yeah you're on a couch and you go here it goes and then you're done

01:26:00.600 right but imagine right having like being like uh who's that playboy guy hugh hefner hugh hefner

01:26:06.820 right lining up nine women and then the third one you have a heart attack oh yeah that's the way to go

01:26:13.100 brah playing like russian hugh let right yeah yeah yeah and also at that age no condom you don't

01:26:19.320 give a fuck bro oh dude at any age no i mean who's even are they still making condoms that's what i

01:26:24.820 want to know for old people for people yeah they still use it what i haven't heard and no one's even

01:26:30.060 getting anything anymore no people look at tell that the fucking charlie sheen brah oh yeah yeah you

01:26:37.580 got the hip brah but he was also basically he was like like he was like fuck he was like having

01:26:42.840 sex with like laboratories and shit like that guy was going deep yeah yeah yeah like you know um

01:26:47.360 donkeys and animals he got i mean he probably got into some real dark stuff yeah yeah that's drug

01:26:52.400 induced a drug induced fucking yeah yeah yeah yeah now have you ever been involved in like drug

01:26:57.340 induced homosexuality you know like where people do enough drugs that somebody's gay suddenly i've done it

01:27:03.040 bro you already know you already fucking know i don't know you dude i'm thinking if i know or not

01:27:14.960 and i don't you you don't know that i've sucked the dick before whoa oh no fuck bro put your hand in

01:27:23.560 the air before you say that take my headphone all right man fuck dude how who was the guy

01:27:30.140 was it a black guy no dude my mouth small bro yeah no here's the thing dude um you got that baby

01:27:38.260 pocket on your face bro here's a here's a guy right here finish it though oh yeah all right go ahead no

01:27:43.400 no you go let me finish what the dick thing please do okay so back when i told you like i couldn't get

01:27:51.040 laid or whatever as a kid right so when i was a child right i would be at a party and some dude would

01:27:58.460 just go it was actually one or two dudes they would go suck my dick and they would just grab my

01:28:04.520 hair and i'd suck their dick anyway let's go to the tape jesus man a party who calls it a party

01:28:12.240 asian guy huh yeah hey theo hey bobby love you guys both um just good question for you for the both of

01:28:19.800 you guys if you guys turn gay for a day who would you hit up that's hit gang gang i'm not gay though

01:28:29.260 but i like gay people peace out dude tom hardy tom hardy yeah bro tom hardy is mad max bro

01:28:37.360 not tom arnold imagine sucking him off i'm not sucking anybody dude i might bang the guy

01:28:43.600 i'm not blowing some dude bro that's the gayest thing ever oh let me ask you something what would

01:28:48.100 it take for you to blow somebody i wouldn't do it for okay so let me ask you this then okay right

01:28:56.440 jesus came down oh christ okay now i'm not saying blowing cry i'm not gonna say that okay no would

01:29:03.660 you blow christ it would you blow christ nope okay good even if you're gonna be an attorney in hell

01:29:09.000 dude i'm not i'm not blowing anybody so all right he's the lord but fine um but what if jesus said

01:29:17.240 a real jesus wouldn't want it it would be a fake jesus then right but if if jesus or something not

01:29:21.840 jesus but some alien then is that better for you okay like sondra bernhardt you mean yeah yeah sondra

01:29:27.500 bernhardt came down right right and goes i will destroy all mankind if you don't blow um eric

01:29:39.500 reffin no man i just couldn't i don't want my mouth to be open by some guy's wiener that's what i

01:29:46.920 that's the part i always the prying factor it's intrusive yeah i just don't i don't think i'd like

01:29:53.520 the texture of it the texture is fun it's like your finger bro no uh yeah uh-uh but it's not

01:29:59.940 but it's not dude i can't believe you just did that but it's somebody else's finger that's near

01:30:05.340 they're freaking nuts right thing like if it was mankind if mankind was all gonna die

01:30:11.100 i would suck whoever not whoever i'd suck the guy who is most qualified to help us save the

01:30:17.100 the universe i'm not just right in america i'm not blowing somebody outside of a 7-eleven

01:30:22.540 because he's scared about what's going on as well you know yeah yeah but i like your attitude you've

01:30:28.040 never done anything gay in your life uh i've never done anything gay man they had a time where i think

01:30:33.900 a dude was trying to get me to be gay one time and i had to go to the airport and and we've been

01:30:39.100 doing cocaine and so i'm glad i had to go to the airport man because right that's the thing at a

01:30:42.860 certain point there can be drug-induced homosexuality yeah where you do enough drugs and next thing you

01:30:48.280 know man you get you know people can coerce you into things can i tell you a funny story i was um i was

01:30:53.540 living in silver lake bro and you know mike young is yeah so mike young was like three in the morning

01:31:00.020 calls me he goes dude i'm drunk bro that's what he says oh yeah i go that's i'm hanging up and he

01:31:08.800 goes no dude i don't know where's my car oh yeah that's a gay pickup right where's my car to your

01:31:14.520 house yeah yeah right meanwhile you don't even have a house you're like what are you talking about

01:31:18.580 and then the guy's and he goes uh come pick me up dude i lost this is before uber all that shit

01:31:24.700 right so i go no he's crying oh man dude my car right everybody you almost bang is crying in

01:31:34.640 these right right right no so i pick him up and i go all right dude what's up he's like where's your

01:31:40.340 car he goes i remember it's up here so he we drove up in the hills and we pull up to this mansion

01:31:47.780 and it's toby mcguire's house oh yeah right and he goes hey man i i called leo leo and mark walberg

01:31:57.940 and toby were jacuzziing right and i go yeah and he goes they said you could come too and i go no

01:32:07.120 just in case now i'm not accused i they they're probably knee-deep policy all that stuff they're not

01:32:14.500 gay at all but even if there was a one percent chance that i'm in this jacuzzi and then spider

01:32:20.140 man's dick is in my face i would have to suck it because i want to make it in the business dang so

01:32:24.680 i didn't i put myself out of the situation but you think you honestly party was afraid to go

01:32:29.020 i think there was i think also um that was part of it and also i don't want to say the wrong thing

01:32:34.420 it's late it's four in the morning now like i don't want to fight you're not going to do anything

01:32:37.760 good yeah yeah there's nothing good that's going to happen from it i'm not going to get in a movie

01:32:41.580 no you're right so you're in a movie it's going to be a short movie dude it's just me on somebody's

01:32:45.600 phone and it's just going to be you huh yeah just holstering that spider ween yeah i'll probably

01:32:53.520 suck leo off maybe would you maybe he's fucking a star bro i love once upon time in hollywood

01:32:59.840 here's a guy right now who has a question that's going to be much better than this conversation

01:33:03.140 let's take it to it man

01:33:06.080 theo hey bobby hey bobby i would like to if i make i would love to ask you a question

01:33:21.040 a lot of times my brain is telling me one thing my heart's telling me another thing

01:33:28.580 amen brother a lot of times i'm not sure which way to go so i wanted to ask you how do you

01:33:36.380 center yourself when you feel overwhelmed or lost or anxious

01:33:40.700 thank you thank you very much god bless you both wow he's a nice guy meth head

01:33:50.780 that could be fully definitely made that in the late nine hours yeah that's crazy guys guys like

01:33:56.300 three or four grandfather clocks in his room so yeah yeah um if that's a serious question it is a

01:34:02.620 serious question you know what i've been doing dude is um meditating yeah and i every night i um

01:34:09.860 and in the mornings i spend 20 minutes and i focus on my breathing i'm in a room you know i live in a

01:34:17.180 mansion so you know you know i'm in one of one of my rooms and i um i i concentrate on my breathing

01:34:23.960 and i what i do is i breathe in five seconds and i breathe out five seconds breathe in five seconds

01:34:32.020 and i know that thoughts enter my brain you know i mean like how the fuck did ken jung get another

01:34:38.440 movie or whatever you know me or like you know fuck cristalia you know i mean but i those i let

01:34:44.320 those pass like clouds or i pop them like a bubble like if that's like if my thoughts above i pop it

01:34:50.140 right and i focus my attention on my breathing that's how i do it and once i do that i get

01:34:57.500 locked into nothingness not nothingness but like it's just black yeah right and once i get in that

01:35:06.020 state i'm in a groove it it really dictates how i feel about my life and how my day goes and it also

01:35:15.520 makes me sleep so much fucking better dude yeah i instantaneously sleep rather than toss and turn

01:35:21.440 for an hour right you know what dude all my problems come from here yeah and they're mostly um your

01:35:28.600 brain my and yeah my mind my brain yeah and it's also most of my problems are um not real yeah they're

01:35:36.020 perceived i i imagine things that don't exist how what people are saying why didn't i get that none of

01:35:42.560 it fucking matters man right so it's like i that's what meditation does it calms the part of the

01:35:49.800 thing that's mostly my problem which is this yeah so that's what i've been trying to do as of late you

01:35:55.640 know and what practice are you doing like is there a certain way you're practicing it a certain amount

01:36:00.160 of time like what are you doing i try to do about 20 minutes bro wow 20 minutes a good time you know

01:36:04.820 i mean maybe a little longer i don't have a clock but i just it's generally about 20 25 minutes that i

01:36:10.280 last sometimes 30 you know that's great sometimes shorter it depends but like it i really do try to

01:36:16.260 do it because it's like you know that relapse i had in august dude and i was gonna kill myself

01:36:23.360 dang you said dang a little too quick sorry hold on a second dang man yeah thanks that felt more

01:36:31.700 organic but yeah i you know when my dad died i relapsed and then you know after 17 years you know

01:36:37.620 that's a long time yeah and then i couldn't eat sleep and i had thoughts of suicide and were you

01:36:44.660 using weed and liquor just weed did you have any liquor no oh do you wish you'd had a beer i couldn't

01:36:50.560 do it because the thing is is that i had gotten this cbs game show job and i had to do eight episodes

01:36:55.920 i knew i was gonna drink after that and do opiates and do all my fun funds yeah hallucinogenics yeah

01:37:02.300 yeah but what ended up happening was i was losing so much weight and i wasn't sleeping and i started

01:37:06.920 getting psychotic i started losing my mind yeah you don't want to yeah so then i went to a hospital i

01:37:13.460 went to a place in arizona for a couple of weeks and i found out what the problem was and the problem

01:37:18.920 was the trauma that my dad caused me as a kid wow and so i had a deal i did emdr a lot of therapy

01:37:25.020 and i've addressed a lot of those issues and i took the weight out of those things and now i feel

01:37:30.760 freer i've been also this time because you know in the last seven years of the 17 years i was sober

01:37:37.280 i didn't go you know i rarely went to meetings oh really yeah so now what i'm doing is it's the

01:37:43.380 first thing it's the most important thing going to meetings is going to my therapist once a week

01:37:48.640 and going to meetings and those are things that um are going to be ritualistic and things that i am

01:37:55.180 never going to like you know ignore or not do they're important yeah more important than my

01:38:02.200 podcast my family everything it's because it's my life dude putting things first yeah and i'd rather

01:38:06.200 be free and happy than make it or get money or whatever that it's it's bullshit all of the others

01:38:13.080 is fucking you know bro it doesn't make you happy oh yeah i agree move on uh you were gonna say about

01:38:22.860 seeing richard pryor bring up a question yeah oh yeah yeah did you work with richard pryor well i

01:38:27.500 don't working with him is not but you know when i was a doorman so when i moved to hollywood

01:38:32.480 you know he was sick but he would still do spots wow he would come with his wheelchair and we would

01:38:38.800 both like freddie soto bob oshack we would have to lift him up on stage put him and then like he

01:38:44.640 would have boogers on his nose and we would wipe him like from coke no because he was sick oh he's

01:38:51.060 that sick yeah yeah yeah um and because he couldn't do it himself you know i mean and we put the mic there

01:38:57.420 and um it was a blessing to watch that man because he was still super funny even in that state here's

01:39:06.980 another dude that used to come in is carlin well i was working the back door once the first time

01:39:12.900 george carlin ever went there and i was working the back door and he came up to me i was so scared

01:39:18.240 because i'm a fucking huge fan and he came up to me and he goes what's your name and i go bobby lee

01:39:26.900 nice to meet you i'm george he did a show he did it every year for three years in a row and every year

01:39:33.700 adored every year i adored there he would walk around by me and go mr lee he remembered and those

01:39:42.160 kind of guys taught me class that's gone away from from stand-up comedy is class you know who has it

01:39:51.940 sebastian yeah yeah i mean but a lot of these younger kids and i want to name names right now i'm not going

01:39:57.060 to there's a somebody that made it that i helped was interest instrumental in that person making it

01:40:03.560 a woman a man a man or a woman or yeah yeah no class they belittle me at each every chance i get

01:40:14.000 and so it's like for me i'm still gonna have you know for me i'm korean and i joe rogan you know joe

01:40:22.480 goes to me how come you're so distant in front of me because i respect you and when you come to

01:40:27.760 the comedy store you have a thousand comics surround you right i get why but i'm gonna step back because

01:40:35.740 i don't want to be intrusive because i respect you and you're the you're the one of the kings of the

01:40:40.980 game right and he respected that yeah it's class right so i learned from all those old fox men yeah

01:40:48.120 right so that's that do you feel like you've i mean there's you've had issues at the comedy store

01:40:52.880 recently right you've mentioned this when i was on your podcast i've had issues yeah yeah what's going

01:40:59.780 on what do you mean what's going on you don't want to be at the comedy store

01:41:04.480 i don't want to be at the comedy store because um the comedy store used to be a place where if you put

01:41:13.840 your time in you got treated right like the man right but now it's fame that dictates it and whoever's

01:41:23.560 hot and there's people that are get spots every single night they don't have to necessarily even

01:41:30.880 call in right that that's now the name of the game right so dudes that have been there like you know

01:41:39.360 like me i get spots right but i don't get every single night and i'll get some some of these

01:41:45.720 fools get two shows yeah a night right and so it's been a place it's also a place not to grow it's

01:41:53.900 because you see you're there it's sold out you're you're performing with heavyweights right how the

01:42:01.500 fuck do you try new shit yeah i can't it's hard because i can't i have to survive because when you're

01:42:08.480 in the the audience now has i this last year i've seen francis ford coppola in the audience

01:42:14.780 i've seen quentin tarantino in the audience i've seen the biggest people in the game

01:42:19.600 just see in the audience what i'm going to do my first 10 my 10 minute new shit yeah no i'm going

01:42:25.100 to kill it so that i can maybe get in you know i mean in their good light yeah so you can play a

01:42:30.940 nunchuck and kill bill three let's go to a question right here man

01:42:35.180 bobby what up theo i got a question for bobby in fourth grade my best friend was korean

01:42:45.400 his parents and his grandma lived on straight from korea barely spoke any english his grandma

01:42:51.680 didn't speak any english oh damn and every time i came over to sleep over all they would do is order

01:42:57.500 papa john's and then for breakfast in the morning she would microwave the papa john's like not even

01:43:05.800 throw it in the oven microwave pizza especially papa john's crazy so my question is do you guys

01:43:11.760 microwave your pizza after or you throw that bitch in the oven or the toaster oven or is that just a

01:43:18.400 korean thing all right gang gang gang bro what's up with them rins bro drop that k knowledge on

01:43:24.860 your boy because we want to know you motherfuckers bro y'all over there slipping and sliding not taking

01:43:30.280 the shortcuts bro you guys are chef shortcuts or what yeah yeah really those are the first of all

01:43:37.360 number one those are ghetto koreans okay okay gks they call them yeah we those are gks for sure okay

01:43:44.160 okay number two koreans came especially my family came to from poverty my parents my mother um when she

01:43:54.460 was eight years old when she um walked her little sister to school a military truck military truck

01:44:03.080 ran my aunt over and there was entrails over the street so there was no um ambulance so um my uncles

01:44:09.820 had to pick up my dead aunt put them in rice bags so this is this is the light this is the oh my god so

01:44:16.880 this is this is the experience that they come from that's why they microwave their fucking papa john's

01:44:22.880 who gives a shit number two who gives a fuck right and number two let me say this friend right is is

01:44:29.520 that you know what my mom used to that's even i'll tell you even something worse if you didn't finish

01:44:34.540 your you know your cereal right so you have frosted flakes you put the milk in right you ate the cereal

01:44:41.160 but you're full right you leave it you go to school the next morning guess what's back in the box

01:44:49.580 the cereal the soggy the soggy fucking cereal flakes and you had to eat it or you get beat

01:44:56.360 amen brother fuck you and the papa papa amen does he have another question no no no wow how long does

01:45:03.140 this go for man that's it man i think we've done enough dude i thought that question was gonna make

01:45:06.960 it more light-hearted well no i like it when it goes in and out well how long did we do what hour 45

01:45:12.440 yeah that's a lot man that was awesome bobby lee i love you man i love you bro you know i love you

01:45:19.540 i wish we would do a show together sometime man bro not only that i i don't want to be real

01:45:26.340 there's a lot of heads bro sometimes some of these fools they they get successful

01:45:33.180 mm-hmm and i get it why i think sometimes i'll be honest you know but all the good shit that's

01:45:42.960 happened to you bro you you are so resilient and you your voice is so original i am so fucking proud

01:45:51.700 of you dude you're so funny dude you are so funny you're so intrinsically funny and i just my hats off

01:46:00.000 to you brother thanks i love you bro i love you too man i appreciate that yeah man you're a good guy

01:46:04.880 bobby lee ladies and gentlemen and um we'll see in the future man check out bobby's new podcast

01:46:14.340 ginger ginger what is it it's called a bad friends with um bad friends with andrew santino

01:46:22.780 now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be cornerstone

01:46:39.820 oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can feel it

01:46:48.620 in my bones but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself

01:47:01.900 unwind shine that light on me

01:47:07.020 i'll sit and tell you

01:47:11.340 i'll sit and tell you my stories

01:47:12.940 shine on me

01:47:17.740 and i will find a song i will sing it just

01:47:24.060 and now i've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy load of my

01:47:35.980 ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be

01:47:44.860 sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your

01:47:49.980 partner the answer may shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as

01:47:56.820 always i'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are

01:48:03.700 talking about kite club i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so

01:48:09.780 great hi swia he's a deal anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker

01:48:17.700 germane i'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken

01:48:24.580 i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club

01:48:33.780 second rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and subscribe wherever you

01:48:40.500 listen to podcasts or watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression will get better

01:48:47.060 see you next time

01:48:52.100 and i see you next time

01:49:06.100 you

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - January 23, 2020

Bobby Lee 3 ｜ This Past Weekend #256

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