This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E339 Nikki Glaser

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00:00:55.340 That's 20% off at Grimly.com slash podcast.

00:01:03.000 I got tickets going on sale right now, and they're at Theovan.com slash tour.

00:01:11.600 And that's St. Louis, Cincinnati, Charlotte, Durham, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Wilmington, Wilkes-Barre,

00:01:21.860 and some other places, Charleston, Richmond, Albany, Buffalo, Columbus, and Minneapolis.

00:01:28.600 But I'm excited, man.

00:01:30.120 So go check it out, Theovan.com slash tour.

00:01:32.540 And thank you guys, as always, for your support.

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00:02:02.700 That's T-H-E-Z-E-B-R-A dot com slash T-H-E-O.

00:02:08.320 Today's guest is returning to the podcast.

00:02:11.460 She's a very entertaining comedian. 0.99

00:02:15.460 She has a new tour that she's embarking out on.

00:02:18.640 She's also the host of the upcoming MTV Movie and TV Awards.

00:02:24.960 Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki Glaser.

00:02:28.320 For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind.

00:02:34.140 Shine that light on me.

00:02:39.280 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:02:44.820 Shine on me.

00:02:47.620 And I will find a song

00:02:52.060 I've been singing just so

00:02:54.980 And now I've been moving way too

00:03:02.320 Yeah, it's good over there.

00:03:04.000 It's just like sometimes you have to...

00:03:08.980 I don't know what it's like.

00:03:10.300 I like your shoes.

00:03:11.400 You do?

00:03:12.140 Thank you.

00:03:12.700 I get a lot of compliments on these.

00:03:13.840 They are not real snake skin,

00:03:15.120 but you shouldn't even wear fake stuff.

00:03:17.200 I'm vegan.

00:03:18.160 Because if you make it look good,

00:03:19.380 then people are like,

00:03:19.960 I want that.

00:03:21.080 You know?

00:03:21.420 If you make fake look good,

00:03:22.980 then you're hurting the animals.

00:03:24.520 No, I don't...

00:03:25.220 I think that seems crazy,

00:03:27.400 but do you think vegan...

00:03:29.360 Can you eat snake or not?

00:03:31.100 No.

00:03:31.700 No.

00:03:32.060 You can't eat...

00:03:32.900 People always forget that vegan is like everything.

00:03:35.140 Like, I eat honey.

00:03:36.440 If something...

00:03:36.640 If something...

00:03:37.640 I'll go, okay, fine.

00:03:38.340 But a lot of vegans won't eat honey 0.92

00:03:39.720 because it exploits bees. 0.97

00:03:42.060 No way.

00:03:43.520 I...

00:03:43.720 But bees want us to have it 0.99

00:03:44.900 because also,

00:03:45.660 when you think about all the stuff

00:03:47.100 that bees do to us and all the...

00:03:49.300 What have bees done to us? 0.96

00:03:51.920 We're getting revenge, you're saying?

00:03:53.220 All the child...

00:03:54.320 Dude, you know how many of Summers of mine

00:03:56.040 were ruined because bees?

00:03:58.180 No, they weren't.

00:03:59.440 They were ruined because of your perception of bees

00:04:02.540 as being like...

00:04:04.180 People are so scared of bees.

00:04:05.480 Their sting doesn't hurt that bad.

00:04:07.060 You might...

00:04:07.560 If you're allergic, yes, I understand.

00:04:09.040 But like, we were so annoyed with bees,

00:04:11.320 we killed them all. 0.90

00:04:12.260 And now our whole planet is collapsing

00:04:15.980 because there's no bees.

00:04:17.240 Oh, dang.

00:04:17.840 I didn't know that.

00:04:17.860 But what were your run-ins with bees as a kid?

00:04:19.560 It's like, let's get your top three bee incidents.

00:04:22.480 Well, the big one was always...

00:04:23.480 They ruined your childhood.

00:04:24.320 At summer camp,

00:04:25.400 they always had bees there for some reason, you know?

00:04:28.020 And so we'd go there to this place

00:04:29.580 called Bogafalaya Park.

00:04:32.820 And it was just like...

00:04:33.980 All the kids would come.

00:04:35.280 And it was like a bunch of just ratchet kids.

00:04:37.240 And like, we'd all have our lunchbox

00:04:39.300 and like our Kool-Aid would like spill over

00:04:42.180 on our sandwiches.

00:04:43.100 And it was so gross.

00:04:44.400 It was like YMCA summer camp, you know?

00:04:46.280 Yeah.

00:04:46.920 And some kids would leave during the day

00:04:48.460 and just wander off into the woods and disappear.

00:04:50.360 And like, it was just...

00:04:52.000 But I remember at certain areas,

00:04:53.980 they just had so many bees. 0.93

00:04:55.540 They're like, I want to say tens of thousands of bees.

00:04:58.680 Yeah.

00:04:59.020 And...

00:04:59.700 But you guys were events canceled because of bees.

00:05:03.160 Oh, I would say events.

00:05:04.020 I would say kickball games ended early.

00:05:06.980 I would say lunches ended early.

00:05:08.880 No way.

00:05:09.180 One kid, a bee went up his nose.

00:05:13.420 Okay.

00:05:13.620 And that was horrible.

00:05:15.560 And they had to get...

00:05:16.140 This was before that.

00:05:16.880 I think they had the EpiPens or whatever.

00:05:18.820 Oh, so this kid was allergic too?

00:05:20.560 Yeah.

00:05:20.900 Or I don't know if he was allergic,

00:05:21.760 but he was one of those kids

00:05:22.540 who their skin was real clear looking, you know?

00:05:24.740 Yeah.

00:05:25.360 Yeah.

00:05:25.540 Like one of those kind of premature baby kind of...

00:05:27.620 Translucent guys.

00:05:27.980 Yeah.

00:05:28.400 That trans kid. 0.67

00:05:30.980 Or lucent kid.

00:05:32.100 I don't know what they call them.

00:05:32.800 Yeah, I think they're called lucents.

00:05:34.180 Yeah, one of those lucents, dude.

00:05:35.900 So they got...

00:05:36.560 Yeah.

00:05:36.880 Yeah.

00:05:37.260 But some kids were never the same, I feel like,

00:05:39.060 after that, after a strong bee came through.

00:05:41.180 Oh, people were...

00:05:41.960 People were so scared of bees.

00:05:43.680 And I thought it was just a way that girls... 1.00

00:05:45.960 I was never really scared of bees.

00:05:47.440 I was just like,

00:05:48.240 okay, if they sing you, it kind of hurts,

00:05:49.480 but I think being scared of bugs

00:05:50.940 is kind of like a thing girls do to like, 0.88

00:05:52.920 get attention.

00:05:53.620 And like, not just necessarily from boys,

00:05:56.020 but just, they're not being seen enough

00:05:57.820 in their families.

00:05:58.660 So they're just like,

00:05:59.500 if I scream really loud about this thing

00:06:01.400 that's around a lot,

00:06:03.240 then I'll get attention.

00:06:04.760 And it's my thing.

00:06:05.440 I'm like, girls that are like, 0.99

00:06:06.260 I hate moist.

00:06:07.080 Like, that's a hack one.

00:06:08.740 But people looking for...

00:06:09.740 I hate moist?

00:06:10.340 The word moist.

00:06:11.260 Right.

00:06:11.440 You know, when girls are like, 1.00

00:06:12.320 oh my God, don't say it.

00:06:13.460 And you're just like,

00:06:14.400 you need an identity beyond like,

00:06:16.620 these things that you think are unique,

00:06:18.280 but yet we all kind of are on board with.

00:06:20.580 Yeah, a lot of people say those types of things.

00:06:22.480 I mean, but we're all searching for an identity.

00:06:25.260 I mean, your haircut is like a part of,

00:06:28.080 like that haircut I remember

00:06:29.000 when you first brought out,

00:06:30.260 I thought it was for a role or something.

00:06:31.620 And now it's you.

00:06:33.040 And it's like,

00:06:34.140 and it's such a look

00:06:34.900 that you've inspired people to adopt it.

00:06:37.360 It's now like a hot guy haircut.

00:06:40.200 But when you first debuted it,

00:06:41.860 wasn't.

00:06:42.820 Really?

00:06:43.960 Theo, I remember you walking backstage

00:06:45.880 at some show.

00:06:47.260 I think we were at some,

00:06:48.300 one of Amy's tapings or something.

00:06:49.960 And you came backstage and I...

00:06:51.560 Sound handsome.

00:06:52.920 I laughed at your haircut.

00:06:54.900 I thought it was a joke.

00:06:56.220 I thought you were trying to joke us.

00:06:57.520 Really?

00:06:58.260 Yeah, I did.

00:06:59.060 I'm being honest with you.

00:07:00.320 But I thought,

00:07:00.740 but I also was like,

00:07:01.440 it looks good,

00:07:02.100 you know,

00:07:02.280 like the type of way,

00:07:03.020 like on Halloween,

00:07:04.560 people still look good.

00:07:05.940 Yeah.

00:07:06.340 But then you kept your Halloween costume on it.

00:07:08.020 And I was like,

00:07:08.480 and now it's still here.

00:07:10.080 And that was probably six years ago.

00:07:12.280 How long has it been?

00:07:13.060 Five years ago?

00:07:13.540 Well, I had long hair too when I was a kid.

00:07:15.400 And I just liked,

00:07:16.700 I never felt,

00:07:17.980 I never knew I was supposed to have long hair as an adult

00:07:20.520 until I just had it.

00:07:21.840 You didn't know you weren't supposed to?

00:07:22.920 I never knew that I was supposed to.

00:07:24.820 Oh, oh,

00:07:25.420 you mean like you found your truth,

00:07:27.040 like this is who you are.

00:07:27.800 Yeah.

00:07:28.060 Yeah.

00:07:28.460 I just never felt,

00:07:29.440 I just like feel more like a man.

00:07:31.100 I feel more like a courageous man.

00:07:33.840 I feel like more like somebody

00:07:34.780 that would run into a fire to help somebody.

00:07:37.100 Yeah.

00:07:37.500 Or not run all the way in.

00:07:38.460 I would run close to the fire and,

00:07:39.980 you know,

00:07:40.480 people would be like,

00:07:40.940 oh,

00:07:41.020 he's going to stop.

00:07:42.520 I'd run up the stairs,

00:07:43.700 onto the porch.

00:07:45.300 Okay.

00:07:45.800 Because fire is so hot.

00:07:46.980 People like,

00:07:47.800 in movies they make it look like it's not that hot.

00:07:49.840 Dude,

00:07:50.060 fire is so hot.

00:07:52.960 It's so,

00:07:53.620 what's the worst you've been burned?

00:07:55.160 Like,

00:07:56.180 have you gotten like what degree?

00:07:58.880 Let me think,

00:07:59.680 probably three.

00:08:00.180 Have you had some bad burns?

00:08:01.820 Oh yeah,

00:08:02.520 dude,

00:08:02.700 I went whale,

00:08:03.480 or not whale watching,

00:08:04.660 but looking for something once.

00:08:06.100 And I got sunburned so bad,

00:08:10.640 dude.

00:08:11.020 Let's go from whale watching

00:08:12.180 to looking for your keys.

00:08:13.820 Like,

00:08:14.200 what were you?

00:08:15.620 We were looking for the Lord,

00:08:17.420 honey.

00:08:17.660 We were looking for the Lord.

00:08:18.480 so you got sunburned real bad.

00:08:20.300 Yeah,

00:08:20.520 I think we were doing drugs or something,

00:08:22.120 and they ended up out in the sun

00:08:23.440 for way too long,

00:08:24.840 you know.

00:08:24.960 And my friend kept dozing off.

00:08:26.900 We ended up at this Elton John concert,

00:08:28.580 and he was on opioids,

00:08:29.900 and he literally kept dozing off,

00:08:31.960 dude.

00:08:32.380 And one time,

00:08:33.080 we thought he was dead.

00:08:35.440 But we were so messed up,

00:08:36.440 we kept laughing.

00:08:37.240 Like,

00:08:37.420 nobody would check to see if he was dead.

00:08:39.020 It was kind of like,

00:08:39.580 not like freeze tag,

00:08:41.960 but some like weird game,

00:08:43.000 you know,

00:08:43.180 it was like a kid's game,

00:08:44.300 you know.

00:08:45.260 And,

00:08:45.620 So you thought he was dead.

00:08:47.060 Some of you were scared by it,

00:08:48.200 but mostly it was just like,

00:08:49.680 like,

00:08:50.500 that's hilarious.

00:08:51.180 Everybody was just laughing.

00:08:52.180 It was just one of those days,

00:08:53.100 we were like,

00:08:53.400 oh,

00:08:54.000 you know,

00:08:54.320 Sean's dead.

00:08:55.280 Oh my God.

00:08:57.260 But I guess,

00:08:58.800 yeah,

00:08:58.940 I think things like that,

00:08:59.920 bees,

00:09:00.540 sunshine,

00:09:01.440 things like that,

00:09:02.060 I guess,

00:09:02.540 yeah.

00:09:02.900 I'm terrified of the sun.

00:09:03.640 A lot of it's dangerous.

00:09:04.840 I don't go in,

00:09:05.500 the sun,

00:09:06.060 I've been,

00:09:06.400 I've known that aging as a woman

00:09:08.400 is a bad thing,

00:09:09.580 so I haven't been going in the sun

00:09:10.760 since I was in high school.

00:09:11.540 I used to always sunbathe,

00:09:12.900 and I used to cover my face

00:09:14.420 in decolletage with a towel

00:09:15.720 when I was like 15.

00:09:16.900 Oh wow.

00:09:17.480 Just to be like,

00:09:18.180 I don't want to be wrinkly

00:09:20.000 when I'm older.

00:09:21.000 I even knew at a young age

00:09:22.260 when you're supposed to think

00:09:23.040 you're young forever,

00:09:24.040 like plan ahead.

00:09:25.780 And the truth is,

00:09:26.980 it's like,

00:09:27.280 you can't really stop it.

00:09:28.620 It's just gonna happen.

00:09:29.820 It's hard.

00:09:30.660 I think,

00:09:31.260 yeah,

00:09:31.420 I think I'm starting to realize

00:09:32.600 even just growing up

00:09:33.580 that it's hard to get,

00:09:34.940 it's hard to get older.

00:09:36.000 It's a little tough,

00:09:36.720 you know?

00:09:37.120 It's like,

00:09:38.480 it's kind of,

00:09:39.460 it's just so,

00:09:44.980 it makes me,

00:09:46.760 I often realize

00:09:47.820 how much time

00:09:48.660 I probably wasted.

00:09:49.720 Whereas like,

00:09:51.100 time used to be this thing,

00:09:52.300 it'd be like,

00:09:52.760 sure,

00:09:53.140 have some of my time,

00:09:54.640 you know?

00:09:55.380 Yeah.

00:09:55.700 Like,

00:09:56.020 I've got as much time,

00:09:57.360 you know?

00:09:57.980 Who wants some of my time?

00:09:59.720 You know,

00:09:59.880 you used to have so much time,

00:10:01.120 it's like,

00:10:01.260 you're running around

00:10:01.740 with this big bag of time.

00:10:03.380 And then now,

00:10:04.300 it's like,

00:10:04.840 ugh,

00:10:05.380 you know,

00:10:05.820 oh,

00:10:05.960 I don't have a second to spare,

00:10:07.180 you know?

00:10:07.960 And,

00:10:08.540 it's like time,

00:10:09.040 it's just,

00:10:09.400 you're right.

00:10:09.880 I mean,

00:10:10.120 like you watch on any of those things

00:10:11.400 about the tech companies

00:10:12.740 that are trying to create

00:10:14.320 things that take our time.

00:10:16.580 Like,

00:10:16.700 our time is the only thing

00:10:17.880 we can't get back.

00:10:18.960 Yeah.

00:10:19.320 So it's like,

00:10:20.320 they really just want

00:10:21.560 our attention.

00:10:23.500 And like,

00:10:23.900 what you give attention to,

00:10:25.160 but I feel like getting older

00:10:26.860 and realizing,

00:10:27.620 oh,

00:10:27.740 the things I've wasted my time on

00:10:29.100 have not really,

00:10:30.360 that kind of being like,

00:10:31.400 God,

00:10:31.620 I wasted so much time,

00:10:32.540 doesn't help me not waste time now

00:10:33.960 because I'm not,

00:10:34.420 I'm just finding new ways to waste it.

00:10:35.520 But you know what I do now?

00:10:36.880 Like,

00:10:37.060 when I find,

00:10:38.200 like,

00:10:38.400 what's something you wasted your time on

00:10:39.880 that you can think about

00:10:40.600 in the past that you go-

00:10:41.680 Masturbation probably?

00:10:42.700 Listen,

00:10:43.360 I don't think that's a waste of time.

00:10:45.800 I think it is.

00:10:46.160 It's fucking awesome.

00:10:47.740 It's awesome,

00:10:48.540 but you get the hang of it

00:10:49.520 and then it's kind of like-

00:10:50.660 It feels good.

00:10:51.420 You wanted to feel good.

00:10:52.680 Yeah.

00:10:52.900 You needed it.

00:10:53.560 Like,

00:10:53.720 I feel like,

00:10:54.440 anytime I indulge in something-

00:10:55.120 But it's like,

00:10:55.380 am I still doing it?

00:10:56.520 You know,

00:10:56.780 it's like when you do it again,

00:10:58.340 you're like,

00:10:58.820 ah,

00:10:59.080 it tricked me again.

00:10:59.100 Where do you want to be right now

00:11:00.500 that doing too much masturbating

00:11:01.800 didn't get you to where you want to be?

00:11:03.240 Like,

00:11:03.420 you are where you,

00:11:04.240 you know,

00:11:04.500 like,

00:11:04.860 no regrets.

00:11:05.960 I feel like everything

00:11:06.800 that you've done up to us.

00:11:07.320 I don't think I'm where I am

00:11:08.060 because I haven't been masturbating.

00:11:09.380 I think it's,

00:11:09.940 I think I could have probably done other stuff

00:11:11.860 and probably done it well.

00:11:13.120 When you think how many trades

00:11:14.220 you could have learned?

00:11:15.140 Okay,

00:11:15.360 so what trade do you want to know

00:11:16.620 that you would take some of your masturbation time?

00:11:19.180 Like,

00:11:19.460 because I-

00:11:19.940 Oh,

00:11:19.960 landscaping,

00:11:20.900 something outdoors,

00:11:21.860 you know,

00:11:22.240 painting.

00:11:22.800 But now's the time for that.

00:11:23.560 When your libido falls,

00:11:25.220 back then,

00:11:26.020 you weren't going to go landscaping

00:11:27.140 if you wanted to jerk off. 0.84

00:11:28.420 There's just no way.

00:11:28.740 If I didn't have,

00:11:29.340 if I didn't have a libido,

00:11:30.420 I think I would have done a lot of stuff.

00:11:31.640 You will someday lose it,

00:11:33.420 probably,

00:11:34.040 you know?

00:11:34.480 And then that's when you get into like-

00:11:35.900 But not these days.

00:11:36.940 Cribbage.

00:11:37.620 No,

00:11:38.000 no.

00:11:38.240 No,

00:11:38.380 not these days.

00:11:38.980 No.

00:11:39.880 These days you get the fake,

00:11:41.980 the men now,

00:11:42.960 they get the,

00:11:43.320 you get a fake,

00:11:45.480 you know,

00:11:45.880 they have all these enhancers and everything.

00:11:47.500 They have all of this.

00:11:48.260 It's like,

00:11:48.780 they're going to have,

00:11:49.440 you're basically just going to have like

00:11:50.500 80 year old zombies wandering around.

00:11:53.280 But it doesn't,

00:11:54.160 it gets your dick hard, 0.99

00:11:54.940 but it doesn't get your like heart hard.

00:11:57.040 So like guys,

00:11:58.000 not heart or like your brain hard,

00:11:59.480 you know?

00:11:59.660 So guys will take it to fuck their wives, 1.00

00:12:01.840 if their wives,

00:12:02.600 if they,

00:12:03.060 if their wives want, 0.98

00:12:04.140 make them do it.

00:12:05.040 But they're not,

00:12:05.800 they're not propelled by sex with women. 0.96

00:12:08.600 So therefore you're not having to like feed this addiction,

00:12:12.620 which is like the porn,

00:12:13.740 like jerking off is really just like a porn addiction

00:12:16.060 and just like,

00:12:16.800 oh,

00:12:17.000 feel good.

00:12:17.620 I don't want to feel my feelings.

00:12:18.720 Feel the easiest way.

00:12:19.900 It's just one choice.

00:12:21.160 But when you don't have a libido later on,

00:12:23.460 you're just going to put that obsession into like woodworking

00:12:25.640 or whatever,

00:12:26.720 or,

00:12:27.080 you know,

00:12:27.800 canoeing or,

00:12:28.680 um,

00:12:29.880 whale watching.

00:12:30.340 It would have just been nice to have pictures of myself,

00:12:32.020 like in a canoe or with like a nice statue I'd done or something.

00:12:35.100 I was younger,

00:12:35.840 you know,

00:12:36.300 you,

00:12:36.520 you didn't do any,

00:12:37.240 you have no accomplishments when you're younger.

00:12:38.900 You weren't like an Eagle scout or something.

00:12:40.340 You seem like you,

00:12:40.940 I didn't know how to like whittle or do a whistle.

00:12:43.820 Okay.

00:12:44.260 What's a,

00:12:44.740 do you,

00:12:45.160 if we had to do like a talent show and it couldn't be standup and it couldn't be podcasting

00:12:49.880 or interviewing or anything.

00:12:50.600 Go back to high school talent.

00:12:52.120 Let's,

00:12:52.460 let's do,

00:12:53.100 let's do a talent show.

00:12:53.800 Like right now,

00:12:54.740 Theo,

00:12:55.020 like if you,

00:12:55.760 if we were in a talent show with a bunch of comedians and none of us could do comedy,

00:12:58.880 what would yours be that you have the best shot of actually being considered?

00:13:01.700 Like,

00:13:02.040 oh my God,

00:13:02.500 he's good at that.

00:13:03.120 Like,

00:13:03.220 what's,

00:13:03.440 do you have any secret talent?

00:13:04.280 I don't know.

00:13:04.500 Nick might know even better than me.

00:13:06.740 I'm still stuck on one accomplishment.

00:13:08.960 You emancipated yourself when you were 14.

00:13:10.580 I got emancipated when I was a child.

00:13:11.800 So probably legal separation from family.

00:13:14.540 Yeah.

00:13:14.720 I don't know how you're going to perform that at this talent show,

00:13:17.240 but I think I could do it if we had like a small black box theater,

00:13:19.980 you know,

00:13:20.820 again,

00:13:21.840 it's a performative,

00:13:22.700 but yes,

00:13:23.020 you're right.

00:13:23.580 I,

00:13:23.980 um,

00:13:24.160 that is incredible.

00:13:25.620 So maybe I guess something like that.

00:13:27.240 Like,

00:13:27.500 yeah,

00:13:27.720 like I could probably do some Ileon Gonzalez type ship,

00:13:30.740 like,

00:13:31.580 you,

00:13:32.220 you know,

00:13:32.560 like something like that.

00:13:33.540 I could probably do some Ileon Gonzalez reenactment.

00:13:35.580 Wait a second.

00:13:36.060 Just let me get this straight.

00:13:36.860 You emancipated yourself from your parents when you were how old?

00:13:39.280 14.

00:13:39.900 That's fucking badass.

00:13:40.940 Got out there.

00:13:41.560 Yeah.

00:13:42.080 What?

00:13:42.320 Can I just ask why?

00:13:44.000 Yeah,

00:13:44.320 I just didn't like it there.

00:13:45.500 It just wasn't the best fit for me.

00:13:47.300 How'd you know that it was even a possibility to do that?

00:13:49.900 Oh,

00:13:50.360 I don't know.

00:13:51.220 I don't really remember.

00:13:52.000 I honestly don't remember what happened.

00:13:53.060 I remember we met.

00:13:54.660 Yeah.

00:13:54.860 I remember we just,

00:13:56.080 you know,

00:13:56.580 do you have siblings?

00:13:57.240 That's how it came down to it.

00:13:58.260 Yeah.

00:13:58.420 I got a couple siblings.

00:13:59.560 Are you older,

00:14:00.820 younger?

00:14:01.220 We're all in the,

00:14:02.620 it's all a couple of years apart.

00:14:04.400 Wait,

00:14:04.580 what?

00:14:05.420 I'm number two out of four.

00:14:06.880 Out of four.

00:14:07.660 And you,

00:14:08.620 did you,

00:14:08.980 they get out?

00:14:09.460 Did they follow suit too?

00:14:10.360 Nope.

00:14:10.800 They all,

00:14:11.700 everybody,

00:14:12.620 some people stayed in,

00:14:13.540 some people got out.

00:14:14.840 That is fucking cool.

00:14:15.000 It was basically almost like that,

00:14:16.960 who's that guy that had that church out in Texas or whatever?

00:14:22.180 Jeff's?

00:14:22.900 Yes.

00:14:23.540 It was like Warren Jeff's,

00:14:24.460 but it was just my mom.

00:14:25.400 Oh shit,

00:14:26.060 man.

00:14:26.220 You know?

00:14:27.440 And I love you,

00:14:28.360 mom.

00:14:28.560 Happy belated Mother's Day.

00:14:29.680 She knows that,

00:14:30.660 but yeah,

00:14:31.320 it was just.

00:14:31.600 You have a relationship with her now?

00:14:32.460 I'm sorry to ask.

00:14:32.920 Yeah,

00:14:33.060 we got a relationship,

00:14:33.720 but it's just.

00:14:34.260 Really?

00:14:34.480 Yeah,

00:14:34.800 it's like.

00:14:35.400 Was your dad around?

00:14:36.260 No,

00:14:36.540 he was not around.

00:14:37.220 Got it.

00:14:37.680 But I think it was just kind of like,

00:14:39.500 you know,

00:14:41.140 when you,

00:14:41.580 I think when you're like,

00:14:43.100 I don't know,

00:14:44.020 it was more like,

00:14:45.300 like just,

00:14:46.280 I think we were more like roommates and family kind of in a weird way.

00:14:49.480 Well,

00:14:49.720 the fact that you were 14 and we're able to do that,

00:14:52.640 I mean,

00:14:53.100 is incredible because I think that so often,

00:14:56.500 I mean,

00:14:56.960 I even have a hard time being like doing,

00:15:02.020 saying tough things to family because they're family or doing something selfishly because

00:15:06.020 your family,

00:15:06.680 like just accepting that just because they're your family doesn't mean you have to put up

00:15:10.060 with whatever they throw at you.

00:15:12.480 Right.

00:15:12.620 But then also sometimes I feel like,

00:15:14.300 was I just like a weak kid who was just afraid to take the fucking brunt of it? 0.86

00:15:18.580 That's so funny to frame it that way because in no way would anyone hear about a kid taking

00:15:23.320 the initiative to,

00:15:24.420 maybe you were stupid, 0.89

00:15:25.220 maybe you were like,

00:15:25.780 mom and dad don't get her like a kid could do that. 0.95

00:15:28.100 Right.

00:15:28.440 But to get,

00:15:28.880 Yeah,

00:15:29.080 that wasn't me.

00:15:29.620 I didn't even have a skateboard,

00:15:30.640 so that wasn't me.

00:15:31.420 To make that happen and to actually legally do that,

00:15:33.640 that's someone who realized I'm smarter than this and I know I need to get out and I need to protect myself.

00:15:41.240 It's very,

00:15:42.180 I mean,

00:15:42.540 that's very independent at a very young age.

00:15:45.120 Yeah,

00:15:45.220 I think that's what it was,

00:15:46.000 just independent.

00:15:46.880 Yeah.

00:15:47.360 And that's like,

00:15:48.500 that's,

00:15:48.960 what did you do?

00:15:49.480 Where did you go?

00:15:50.300 What was your first?

00:15:51.040 I went to stay with friends.

00:15:52.260 Yeah,

00:15:52.500 I went to stay with friends and then I would take my backpack,

00:15:55.220 to school and I would find friends to stay with,

00:15:57.500 you know?

00:15:58.120 So it was like,

00:15:58.660 kind of like this.

00:16:00.580 I think it was very avant-garde.

00:16:02.380 I don't know what that means.

00:16:02.860 Were you friends with everyone in high school?

00:16:04.620 Avant-garde is kind of like,

00:16:06.380 it's not the right use of it,

00:16:07.820 but it gets the word,

00:16:09.560 it gets the feel across.

00:16:10.840 So you were just fly by the seat of your pants,

00:16:12.740 kind of like,

00:16:13.300 you were homeless.

00:16:14.580 I wasn't homeless.

00:16:15.600 I was staying with friends and then I finally found a friend who could let me stay full time.

00:16:19.340 So then I went and stayed over there.

00:16:20.440 And how long?

00:16:21.240 Stayed there for a couple of years.

00:16:23.280 And then you go to college?

00:16:24.460 Yep.

00:16:24.840 And we got into some mild drug issues over there.

00:16:26.940 Did you stay in high school?

00:16:27.160 So then we went our separate ways,

00:16:28.420 huh?

00:16:28.740 Did you graduate high school?

00:16:30.140 Yeah.

00:16:30.620 So you emancipated and stayed in, 0.92

00:16:32.560 like,

00:16:33.100 this wasn't like,

00:16:33.700 I'm going to go be an adult now.

00:16:35.060 No,

00:16:35.340 no,

00:16:35.460 no,

00:16:35.580 no.

00:16:35.760 I was just,

00:16:36.280 yeah,

00:16:36.400 I just didn't,

00:16:37.020 I think it just wasn't like the best vibe at my house,

00:16:39.860 you know?

00:16:40.400 Yeah.

00:16:40.840 Did you,

00:16:41.340 what was your vibe growing up?

00:16:43.920 My vibe was like,

00:16:44.900 were you like a cheer?

00:16:45.940 I could see you being like a cheerleader.

00:16:49.360 Definitely like a kind of a,

00:16:50.920 maybe.

00:16:52.040 Do you really see that?

00:16:53.360 Huh?

00:16:53.720 Do you really see that?

00:16:54.640 Is that sad that I see that?

00:16:56.040 No,

00:16:56.220 it's so nice.

00:16:56.580 I also see you as more than that,

00:16:57.940 but.

00:16:58.360 No,

00:16:58.720 I would love to be seen as that,

00:16:59.980 but that is not how.

00:17:00.980 Really?

00:17:01.340 Your arms,

00:17:01.900 I feel like are so straight.

00:17:03.600 Thank,

00:17:03.840 yeah,

00:17:04.000 I could be,

00:17:04.360 well,

00:17:04.600 that's not the right one to do,

00:17:06.540 but like,

00:17:06.920 yes,

00:17:07.200 like,

00:17:07.520 rah,

00:17:07.920 rah,

00:17:08.300 rah.

00:17:08.740 Yes,

00:17:09.140 I would be good.

00:17:09.960 Thank you.

00:17:10.680 That's when I was on Dancing with the Stars,

00:17:12.000 I met my partner and he didn't know that I wasn't a good dancer.

00:17:14.640 Like I got,

00:17:15.380 I lost the show.

00:17:16.880 I was voted off first,

00:17:17.740 but when I walked in,

00:17:19.260 he,

00:17:19.480 you could see,

00:17:20.080 he didn't know who I was.

00:17:20.820 We were meeting for the first time and you could see him be like,

00:17:22.320 oh my God,

00:17:22.700 yes,

00:17:23.000 like she looks like she can dance,

00:17:24.780 like ballerina kind of.

00:17:26.160 Oh yeah,

00:17:26.520 I could see that.

00:17:27.080 And then we did like a quick,

00:17:28.140 like he wasn't even teaching me something.

00:17:29.280 He's like,

00:17:29.580 okay,

00:17:29.800 let's,

00:17:30.060 let's just,

00:17:30.460 we did a quick thing.

00:17:31.460 And I saw him age like seven,

00:17:34.220 like his face dropped so severely of like,

00:17:37.100 he knew,

00:17:37.840 he knew our fate because I just don't have like a natural talent.

00:17:40.360 So I would never try it out for cheerleaders because I wasn't like sex. 0.99

00:17:44.220 Cheerleaders are sexy. 1.00

00:17:45.040 I wasn't like ever trying to be sexy.

00:17:46.340 Are they though?

00:17:47.000 Some cheerleaders were cute. 1.00

00:17:48.360 Well,

00:17:48.500 there's like a perception of like anyone.

00:17:50.780 I didn't like to dance.

00:17:51.820 I didn't like to,

00:17:52.940 I didn't want to do anything sexual.

00:17:54.420 I'm now realizing this as I say it.

00:17:55.720 That's why it was,

00:17:56.680 I didn't have a rhythm already.

00:17:58.460 Okay.

00:17:58.920 But also it was mainly about like short skirts and being like,

00:18:01.900 like having your belly out and like being like boys like me. 0.87

00:18:05.720 Like I didn't like boys in high school.

00:18:06.980 I loved boys,

00:18:07.720 but I was just so scared of them.

00:18:08.920 And so I would never do anything to like draw attention to myself in that way.

00:18:12.300 And what were you scared of?

00:18:13.500 That they were going to be rapers or that they were going to be bad boys?

00:18:15.720 Like I was going to be bad at making out,

00:18:18.080 or that I was,

00:18:19.140 or like whatever we were doing,

00:18:20.360 that I would be bad at and they would tell their friends and make fun of me.

00:18:22.720 Biggest fear.

00:18:23.420 Cause it's happens all the time.

00:18:24.780 Cause I would hear stories of it constantly every day from my guy friends.

00:18:27.880 So I saw it happening around me.

00:18:29.520 Oh,

00:18:29.680 I feel like being a girl,

00:18:30.860 I couldn't imagine him being a girl when I was young.

00:18:33.420 That would be the toughest.

00:18:34.040 I just didn't want the,

00:18:37.360 the shit that came with hooking up with guys.

00:18:39.900 Maybe if I,

00:18:41.200 one girl,

00:18:41.580 I remember she blew my crush.

00:18:44.060 Oh my God.

00:18:44.420 I love this guy so much.

00:18:45.180 And she gave him a blow job and she threw up because he gagged her with it. 1.00

00:18:48.740 It was like,

00:18:49.140 it's a normal thing to happen.

00:18:50.380 And sometimes can be kind of hot.

00:18:51.880 Yeah.

00:18:52.020 Some people have small wind pipes.

00:18:53.820 Yeah.

00:18:53.960 She was like high school girl giving deep,

00:18:55.760 getting deep throated by a guy who just got,

00:18:57.860 you know,

00:18:58.680 like we had AOL at that.

00:19:01.120 Like he was getting images that probably inspired that.

00:19:03.520 And then she threw up and then the story is like,

00:19:05.460 what an idiot she is, 0.93

00:19:07.160 you know?

00:19:07.420 And that's the whole story.

00:19:08.140 And I even perpetuated that.

00:19:10.300 Like,

00:19:10.400 did you know that she threw up on his dick? 0.99

00:19:11.900 Because it was just like,

00:19:13.020 to me,

00:19:13.420 girls sucking penises. 1.00

00:19:14.700 It was just like a betrayal of,

00:19:16.900 to me as a woman.

00:19:17.560 Like I was just like,

00:19:18.360 I can't believe whoever did it first ended everybody else's childhood.

00:19:22.920 So those people need to be called out in every town.

00:19:26.280 Oh,

00:19:26.520 whether it's Ronnie and Melissa,

00:19:28.680 or whether it's Scotty and Jen or whoever,

00:19:32.140 whoever got the first blow job and receive the first blow job in your grade.

00:19:37.960 I'm not kidding you,

00:19:38.640 Theo.

00:19:38.960 I ruined everybody else's childhood.

00:19:40.700 I cried when my best friend since fourth grade gave a blow job because I thought I go,

00:19:44.280 I've,

00:19:44.580 I've lost her.

00:19:45.580 Like we don't,

00:19:46.580 we'll never,

00:19:47.660 you,

00:19:48.060 I just want to eat nerds with you and go to the sweet factory and get a bunch of candy and then go in the photo booth.

00:19:53.020 Those days are over.

00:19:53.680 Go to the gap and like dress up in funny outfits.

00:19:55.900 I don't want you sucking a penis. 1.00

00:19:58.180 Like what happened?

00:19:59.120 So I just,

00:19:59.920 those days are over.

00:20:00.820 Now she's wearing short shorts and she's hanging out with the gas station.

00:20:04.420 She's like giving hand jobs. 1.00

00:20:06.600 And now all my friends are eclipsing me.

00:20:08.640 Like they're all make making out.

00:20:11.020 Even the,

00:20:11.340 the girl that I go,

00:20:12.220 Oh my God,

00:20:12.540 she's never,

00:20:12.980 she's going to be the last.

00:20:13.660 When we went to high school,

00:20:14.320 we predicted who's going to be the first to sex boyfriend,

00:20:16.800 all the stuff.

00:20:17.580 I was thinking about that.

00:20:18.860 Yeah.

00:20:19.000 We were like,

00:20:19.420 Oh my God,

00:20:19.680 who's going to be the first with a boyfriend? 0.92

00:20:21.040 Who's going to be the first to get her period, 1.00

00:20:24.120 lose her virginity,

00:20:24.980 all these things.

00:20:25.680 And all the super,

00:20:26.800 they all went to me.

00:20:27.700 Everyone thought I was like poised for all of this.

00:20:30.240 And I left high school,

00:20:31.640 a virgin who had never had a boyfriend.

00:20:33.500 And who had never blown anyone.

00:20:37.260 Oh my God.

00:20:37.580 And who had only made out when a guy like had to be kind of like,

00:20:41.780 not tricked into it,

00:20:42.440 but he had to be on spring break when no one else knew.

00:20:44.760 And then even though he wasn't the most popular boy in school and he,

00:20:48.300 they just couldn't,

00:20:49.020 he,

00:20:49.460 it just so happened I went to spring break my junior year and I wasn't not,

00:20:53.540 I wasn't not attractive,

00:20:54.640 but this,

00:20:55.060 this,

00:20:55.400 this spring break,

00:20:55.880 I really blossomed.

00:20:56.740 It was a good one for me,

00:20:57.700 but I go down to Florida and me and my girlfriends,

00:21:00.240 what part of Florida?

00:21:01.800 Fort Myers.

00:21:02.740 Oh yeah.

00:21:03.240 So we're in Fort Myers.

00:21:04.080 Shady.

00:21:04.560 Oh one.

00:21:05.320 Good.

00:21:05.760 We called it boy.

00:21:06.700 Cause it was SBO one.

00:21:08.040 And we're,

00:21:08.460 we're cruising down the strip.

00:21:10.300 We're in a,

00:21:11.020 we're getting guys cars that are just like cruising.

00:21:13.100 We're like,

00:21:13.240 can we go to town?

00:21:13.900 And it's like,

00:21:14.440 you're my butterfly sugar baby.

00:21:16.340 We're just like,

00:21:16.920 wow,

00:21:17.320 like spring break,

00:21:18.140 but we're dorks.

00:21:19.100 Like we,

00:21:19.640 we've never,

00:21:20.480 a couple of us have kissed boys.

00:21:21.820 Did y'all have any tattoos or did somebody just get one?

00:21:23.980 We weren't 18.

00:21:24.580 We were like 16.

00:21:25.880 Like we bare,

00:21:26.920 we didn't drink.

00:21:27.780 We were,

00:21:28.400 we weren't that cool,

00:21:29.540 but we were just like thought we were bad-ass.

00:21:31.000 But so we're flirting with boys,

00:21:33.000 going around town,

00:21:33.740 meeting guys.

00:21:34.520 Not,

00:21:34.760 nothing's really popping off.

00:21:36.040 Then my,

00:21:37.500 one of my friends has kind of like,

00:21:39.420 she's on the water polo team.

00:21:40.460 Cause she's kind of like, 0.90

00:21:41.220 likes to do boys stuff,

00:21:42.240 you know?

00:21:42.640 And so she's friends with some of the cool guys.

00:21:44.600 And so she has like a, 0.72

00:21:45.420 maybe association with them.

00:21:46.780 And then,

00:21:47.580 but we are on the beach in Fort Myers and who rolls up on the beach.

00:21:52.300 I know who it is.

00:21:52.960 The second day.

00:21:53.800 Tone Loke.

00:21:55.900 The Tone Loke of my high school.

00:21:57.980 Oh,

00:21:58.380 I thought it was a musician.

00:21:59.580 No,

00:21:59.800 it was Cisco.

00:22:01.480 He was shooting his video.

00:22:02.720 No way.

00:22:03.360 I'm going.

00:22:03.960 Yeah,

00:22:04.380 no,

00:22:04.860 it was the most popular boys in my,

00:22:07.180 in my grade who would never even consider.

00:22:09.940 And they rolled up on y'all because they were striking out.

00:22:12.700 They weren't shit down in Fort Myers.

00:22:14.160 They were killing it in Kirkwood in the halls of Kirkwood high school.

00:22:16.620 But here,

00:22:17.100 no one gave us,

00:22:17.780 they were just some dorky,

00:22:18.940 like,

00:22:19.560 you know,

00:22:20.480 Midwest boys.

00:22:21.240 So they ran out of options because it was the best girl.

00:22:25.520 I'm telling anyone listening,

00:22:27.060 plan a spring break where the hot girls group of girls is, 0.70

00:22:29.800 going and the guys aren't going because they will know you.

00:22:32.580 The familiarity will make them invite you over.

00:22:35.900 And then you'll get to kiss two of the guy. 0.93

00:22:38.080 That was my first kiss was like two of the most popular guys in school.

00:22:40.660 And then they went back and they wouldn't tell anyone.

00:22:42.480 And I had mono.

00:22:43.260 Oh yeah.

00:22:44.760 There's always that chick who had mono dude. 1.00

00:22:46.900 All the time.

00:22:47.600 And we had a girl who had mono for like seven years.

00:22:49.780 We're like,

00:22:50.180 somebody just take her life. 1.00

00:22:53.220 Can we just sacrifice her please?

00:22:55.560 That's some sort.

00:22:56.180 Like something else.

00:22:57.040 God wants her back.

00:22:58.340 Yeah.

00:22:58.740 That mono was, 0.99

00:23:00.160 yeah,

00:23:00.260 the kissing disease.

00:23:01.060 And you got like really tired and it was,

00:23:03.280 but yeah,

00:23:03.960 I was,

00:23:04.340 I was such a prude in high school.

00:23:06.700 And we had a fellow.

00:23:07.480 He'd always get hiccups around gay people too, 1.00

00:23:09.340 all the time.

00:23:10.380 That guy's gay. 0.99

00:23:11.740 No,

00:23:12.020 he would just get them.

00:23:12.860 It was like,

00:23:13.300 he just,

00:23:13.920 if people was gay,

00:23:14.740 he would get hiccups.

00:23:15.660 And then could you scare him out of it by?

00:23:18.280 No,

00:23:18.560 you had to drink water or have sugar or something,

00:23:20.600 you know,

00:23:20.740 do one of the trips.

00:23:21.260 What do you do to get rid of hiccups?

00:23:22.380 Cause there,

00:23:23.780 there,

00:23:24.060 there's a way that works the best.

00:23:26.000 Yeah.

00:23:26.320 What do you do?

00:23:27.140 I just know they're going to go away now.

00:23:28.860 Cause I'm an adult and I don't really worry about it as much.

00:23:30.940 So when you get them,

00:23:31.500 you just stop thinking about them and they go away.

00:23:33.100 Yeah,

00:23:33.380 pretty much.

00:23:33.820 I'll hold my breath for about five or six seconds.

00:23:35.400 Exactly.

00:23:35.700 You just hold your breath.

00:23:36.880 It's real easy.

00:23:37.820 But when you're younger,

00:23:38.720 it's like,

00:23:39.240 it just,

00:23:39.960 you know,

00:23:40.440 there's probably people who've taken their life.

00:23:42.020 I thought they couldn't get rid of their hiccups and just,

00:23:43.760 yeah.

00:23:44.060 I mean,

00:23:44.380 why isn't there a cure that we all just go,

00:23:46.200 this is it.

00:23:46.700 Like,

00:23:46.940 where's the race for the cure?

00:23:48.960 Where's Fauci?

00:23:49.960 Where's Fauci when it comes to these fucking hiccups? 1.00

00:23:51.420 Why are we still inconclusive and it's all old wives tales with hiccups?

00:23:54.780 You got people hanging upside down.

00:23:57.520 Yeah.

00:23:57.820 Yeah.

00:23:58.080 That's,

00:23:58.500 that should be our cause that we all settle on.

00:24:02.120 Yeah.

00:24:02.480 You just hold your breath until they go away or you die.

00:24:04.020 I remember.

00:24:04.580 So when I was young,

00:24:05.820 they had this kid in our school named Patrick,

00:24:08.220 right?

00:24:08.420 And he got a little BJ from this girl, 0.78

00:24:10.340 right?

00:24:11.240 Back to BJ's.

00:24:12.080 Yeah.

00:24:12.220 And so everybody's fired up.

00:24:13.600 People are cheering him on.

00:24:14.860 People are drawn on their notebook.

00:24:16.160 Like,

00:24:16.640 yes,

00:24:16.920 yes,

00:24:17.220 yes.

00:24:17.660 You know,

00:24:18.420 people are excited.

00:24:19.500 So he got one and everyone's excited.

00:24:21.260 He got one.

00:24:21.760 Everybody's excited.

00:24:22.700 Okay.

00:24:22.940 Well,

00:24:23.140 what happened was then his,

00:24:25.240 uh,

00:24:25.880 the girl's parents found out.

00:24:28.260 So her parents had to go over to his parents house. 0.80

00:24:33.300 Her parents called his parents and they all had to go,

00:24:38.420 go over and talk about,

00:24:39.920 I would love to follow up today and hear their side of this.

00:24:43.540 That is excruciating.

00:24:45.600 So here was the crazy part.

00:24:47.440 Uh,

00:24:48.000 so he let me be on the phone.

00:24:49.560 He kept the phone off the hook,

00:24:50.780 you know,

00:24:51.000 and you keep it off and he just kept it in the living room.

00:24:53.680 So you heard what happened?

00:24:55.180 What happened?

00:24:55.980 Oh,

00:24:56.160 it was the most awkward conversation ever.

00:24:58.820 Um,

00:24:59.380 did they talk explicitly?

00:25:00.340 There was like blame.

00:25:01.520 Yes.

00:25:01.880 There was like,

00:25:02.660 Hey,

00:25:02.880 you know,

00:25:03.140 we think it,

00:25:03.660 it's your fault. 0.68

00:25:04.300 It's like nobody's fault.

00:25:05.400 It's like,

00:25:06.300 uh,

00:25:06.680 Oh my God.

00:25:07.400 When did,

00:25:07.980 when was your first blow job?

00:25:08.940 I think it was probably the same girl actually a couple of weeks after that.

00:25:14.280 Honestly,

00:25:14.780 really?

00:25:15.120 If I had to be real honest with the,

00:25:16.640 yeah,

00:25:17.000 but I got real scared.

00:25:18.260 I was at a party.

00:25:19.920 I think I was probably 15.

00:25:22.500 So after the emancipation,

00:25:24.080 I was at a party.

00:25:24.940 Yeah.

00:25:25.220 Things went uphill.

00:25:26.600 You know,

00:25:28.200 I was at a party and,

00:25:29.840 uh,

00:25:30.440 some girl was, 1.00

00:25:31.460 uh,

00:25:31.940 it was my girlfriend actually at that time,

00:25:33.780 I think,

00:25:34.260 or she,

00:25:34.760 or she,

00:25:35.380 I don't know if we were girlfriend or not,

00:25:37.920 but yeah.

00:25:39.060 Um,

00:25:39.680 Oh,

00:25:39.900 and it was like behind a tree,

00:25:41.340 but it was like the parents were at the party.

00:25:42.780 And then the mom,

00:25:43.980 this was your first.

00:25:44.960 Yeah.

00:25:45.180 The mom came around the tree. 0.99

00:25:48.420 Yo.

00:25:49.100 Yeah.

00:25:49.400 And I got so scared,

00:25:50.720 you know,

00:25:51.160 that's a crazy story.

00:25:52.140 Why would you just be remembering this?

00:25:53.680 You got caught getting your first blow job.

00:25:55.280 And I was like,

00:25:55.760 we're just looking for something.

00:25:57.120 You know,

00:25:57.380 I just didn't know what to say.

00:25:58.220 What would you say?

00:25:58.980 You know?

00:25:59.460 Um,

00:25:59.700 and then I felt so bad for me.

00:26:00.720 I felt bad for her.

00:26:02.080 The jig is up.

00:26:02.780 Like we were caught.

00:26:03.880 We're busted.

00:26:04.560 I'm not going to use a racial slur,

00:26:05.960 dude.

00:26:06.200 I'm just saying that.

00:26:07.240 Yeah.

00:26:07.740 I'm just saying that.

00:26:08.680 I mean,

00:26:10.740 I don't know if it is,

00:26:11.420 but I'm not even taking any risks.

00:26:12.880 It felt weird saying it,

00:26:14.020 but I also don't feel like I would even be able to conjure what race that is.

00:26:18.980 So I feel like I'm in the clear for that.

00:26:20.460 Yeah.

00:26:20.700 You're good.

00:26:21.460 You know what I mean?

00:26:22.740 Oh,

00:26:23.160 you're totally good.

00:26:23.700 I don't want to dip you out of like talking about race,

00:26:26.380 but no,

00:26:28.000 I think we're going to be all right.

00:26:29.020 I think gypsy is not a thing you should say.

00:26:32.120 Gypping someone out of something is very not good.

00:26:35.100 My brother used to work with some gypsies. 1.00

00:26:37.020 And,

00:26:37.320 um,

00:26:38.260 spirit animal.

00:26:39.600 Oh yeah.

00:26:40.040 You know,

00:26:40.260 when girls go,

00:26:40.800 Oh my God,

00:26:41.200 you're my spirit animal.

00:26:42.340 I'm which that's,

00:26:43.380 I get that compliment a lot.

00:26:44.440 Yeah.

00:26:44.700 It's like,

00:26:45.340 I know the humans are animals,

00:26:46.820 but it's supposed to be an animal.

00:26:47.920 Right.

00:26:48.340 You know,

00:26:48.620 like,

00:26:49.240 but also native Americans,

00:26:50.680 because that's like a native American thing.

00:26:52.180 And we're just going like,

00:26:53.300 Oh my God.

00:26:54.620 Like that little koala is my spirit.

00:26:57.220 I'm like,

00:26:57.440 baby koalas are my,

00:26:58.660 teacup poodles are my spirit animal.

00:27:01.700 And these are native Americans are like, 1.00

00:27:03.500 that was like founded on the fact that like,

00:27:06.200 the,

00:27:06.520 like a great,

00:27:07.540 like we believed in that spirit.

00:27:09.160 Like we actually thought that our tribe leader was do you think or red bear or whatever.

00:27:14.200 Yeah.

00:27:14.360 But they thought that we could think that man,

00:27:16.440 everybody could think it making it like cute and like fun.

00:27:19.540 But that's because if some girl does that and she's pulling on her hair and stuff like that, 1.00

00:27:23.340 and she's never had a job,

00:27:24.260 but then that girl needs to get a job. 1.00

00:27:27.340 I think she can still say it.

00:27:28.640 I don't want a girl to be like, 1.00

00:27:29.760 my spirit animal is a,

00:27:31.680 see,

00:27:31.900 that's what I want.

00:27:32.980 I want somebody more.

00:27:34.300 If you had to,

00:27:35.000 let's not say spirit animal,

00:27:36.140 but what animal do you look at?

00:27:38.020 And you go,

00:27:39.260 Oh yeah.

00:27:39.640 Duh.

00:27:39.980 Okay.

00:27:40.380 But why?

00:27:42.040 It's just because man,

00:27:43.720 you know,

00:27:44.180 have you always liked rats?

00:27:44.920 Rats are great.

00:27:45.640 I would want to get it one as a pet,

00:27:46.800 but they die very soon.

00:27:48.340 Well,

00:27:48.640 I had to share a room one night with two,

00:27:50.500 um,

00:27:51.100 not rats.

00:27:51.780 It's like the limousine of rats,

00:27:53.200 uh,

00:27:54.360 ferret.

00:27:55.180 Oh,

00:27:55.540 and I had to share a room one night with two of those.

00:27:57.760 No,

00:27:58.380 wait,

00:27:58.920 has he said that before?

00:28:00.180 I haven't heard it.

00:28:01.080 Oh,

00:28:01.240 I'll tell you this story.

00:28:02.080 Wait,

00:28:02.320 have you said limousine of rat before?

00:28:05.120 That is so fucking funny.

00:28:07.340 Why?

00:28:08.020 You know,

00:28:08.440 ferrets urinate on each other's backs. 0.53

00:28:09.880 You are so funny.

00:28:10.300 That's,

00:28:10.700 you are,

00:28:11.000 you are truly,

00:28:12.780 you know that.

00:28:14.480 I'm just going to say essay.

00:28:15.440 I'm not going to say.

00:28:16.420 You are so funny.

00:28:18.060 And I can't let limousine,

00:28:19.380 the limousine of rats,

00:28:21.040 a ferret go.

00:28:22.060 If that's the funniest thing we've said on this episode,

00:28:23.880 then we are not doing well.

00:28:24.960 What are you kidding me?

00:28:25.900 You're good.

00:28:26.340 You're good.

00:28:26.640 You're doing great.

00:28:27.360 I think you look great.

00:28:28.200 No,

00:28:28.420 I think that is the funniest thing.

00:28:29.560 And I am fine.

00:28:30.200 I'm fine saying that's the funniest thing I've ever been a part of ever.

00:28:33.940 That's so funny.

00:28:35.420 Do you remember epilepsy?

00:28:36.800 Remember how big that was?

00:28:37.840 I remember.

00:28:38.940 Remember epilepsy was big.

00:28:40.240 Think about the things that were big when you were young.

00:28:42.320 Evanescence.

00:28:42.760 Wake me up inside.

00:28:46.320 Can't wake.

00:28:47.080 Everything.

00:28:47.520 She was like,

00:28:48.020 save me.

00:28:49.300 Everything was like,

00:28:50.500 I used to work at CPK,

00:28:51.780 California Pizza Kitchen,

00:28:52.660 and she would just be like howling over the speakers. 0.61

00:28:55.000 Every girl that worked at CPK could relate to Evanescence singing that.

00:28:58.900 Wake me up inside.

00:29:00.640 You get off work,

00:29:01.440 you just smoke it in your car.

00:29:02.940 Oh my God.

00:29:03.620 Yes,

00:29:04.060 I would smoke cigarettes on the way home from CPK after memorizing that menu.

00:29:07.180 There was nothing better than smoking a cigarette on your way home from work.

00:29:11.720 Smoking a cigarette after work.

00:29:12.160 Woo! 0.99

00:29:13.540 That's a good one.

00:29:15.100 Now it's smoking weed after work.

00:29:17.500 No,

00:29:17.900 you think?

00:29:18.680 I really enjoy it.

00:29:20.140 I love,

00:29:21.160 but it's not the same.

00:29:22.400 Like,

00:29:22.560 I love smoking a cigarette and like listening to it like a great song and just feeling cool.

00:29:26.860 Because cigarettes do make you feel cool.

00:29:29.220 Vaping doesn't look as cool.

00:29:31.540 It does just because like younger people do it.

00:29:33.160 So I guess younger people are cool and you're like,

00:29:34.420 oh,

00:29:34.500 I guess that's cool.

00:29:35.000 But cigarettes,

00:29:36.120 I hate them and they destroy lives and I haven't smoked one.

00:29:39.700 I only had one in 12 years or something and I quit on a dime and it's very easy to quit.

00:29:44.780 But I do think they're,

00:29:46.160 they look cool.

00:29:47.820 Cigarettes?

00:29:48.200 And they're fun.

00:29:49.080 Oh yeah.

00:29:49.660 They're just fun to have a thing.

00:29:50.480 They were a real thing.

00:29:51.020 Now people are sucking like this electronic thing.

00:29:53.120 It just has a different vibe.

00:29:54.480 But dude,

00:29:54.760 there was nothing better.

00:29:55.760 I remember I'd get out of work,

00:29:57.480 light that bitch up. 1.00

00:30:00.080 I want to have a fake cigarette and shoot this like we're like mad men.

00:30:03.480 And just be cursing everybody I worked with as I left.

00:30:06.200 Just like nothing mattered.

00:30:07.280 I was the king.

00:30:07.600 Where were you working that you were leaving?

00:30:09.400 I was bus boy.

00:30:10.620 I did mostly bus boying.

00:30:12.760 Throughout the South,

00:30:13.780 mostly throughout the Southeast region.

00:30:15.460 Okay.

00:30:16.420 You don't want to give any chains?

00:30:18.560 Or is it just like?

00:30:19.880 I worked at a place called BJ's Pizza House.

00:30:22.280 And they went out of business.

00:30:24.300 They got,

00:30:24.720 there was a,

00:30:26.120 there was some,

00:30:26.800 I think fraud.

00:30:27.560 And also the land,

00:30:29.700 the owner or somebody got cancer.

00:30:31.740 I think maybe his girlfriend got cancer,

00:30:33.200 but also they had a fight.

00:30:34.540 They had a marriage dispute.

00:30:37.540 What else?

00:30:39.360 Well,

00:30:39.760 my first blow job was. 0.97

00:30:41.440 Okay.

00:30:41.960 Damn.

00:30:42.360 Well,

00:30:42.620 here we go.

00:30:43.720 I know that everyone's,

00:30:44.860 all you do is talk about sex,

00:30:45.900 but I really,

00:30:46.560 well,

00:30:46.680 I did have a good story.

00:30:47.560 You try to talk to women about work. 1.00

00:30:49.460 And they just want to tell you.

00:30:50.900 I don't want to hear about.

00:30:51.780 When the first blow job was.

00:30:53.380 I wanted you to say like a funny place you worked.

00:30:55.380 I didn't need to hear like the whole backstory of your.

00:30:59.240 Sorry.

00:31:00.300 No,

00:31:00.680 I wasn't intrigued,

00:31:01.740 even though I literally don't remember one detail from it.

00:31:03.680 But,

00:31:03.860 um,

00:31:04.460 did you work at an ice cream place?

00:31:05.740 Now that I could see you at Baskin Robin.

00:31:07.640 No.

00:31:07.820 Okay.

00:31:08.100 First of all,

00:31:08.460 I was not a cheerleader.

00:31:09.460 Dude,

00:31:09.600 I would have bought a thousand scoops.

00:31:11.620 I would have let you scoop it with your hands.

00:31:13.880 Okay.

00:31:14.420 That's so nice.

00:31:15.060 I really appreciate that.

00:31:16.460 Like I remember the first.

00:31:17.980 Can I taste some of it off your back?

00:31:19.200 That's what I would have said,

00:31:20.140 you know?

00:31:20.600 Sorry,

00:31:21.000 that's out of line.

00:31:21.840 I'm sorry.

00:31:22.100 That's so nice.

00:31:22.980 I want to.

00:31:24.140 Thank you.

00:31:24.600 I like,

00:31:25.560 um,

00:31:25.920 when people,

00:31:26.560 uh,

00:31:27.400 allude to wanting to have sex with me, 0.81

00:31:29.120 I think it's like very nice when it,

00:31:30.600 when it's done in a way that you're just like,

00:31:31.820 when they're just like jokingly saying it,

00:31:33.180 like that means a lot hearing that from you because I,

00:31:36.180 obviously that's like the struggle of my life.

00:31:39.380 I think is like wanting to be fuckable and also wanting to be funny and fun and be,

00:31:44.620 and,

00:31:44.760 and then people being like,

00:31:46.180 God,

00:31:46.340 she's trying to her to look fuckable. 1.00

00:31:47.660 It's just like,

00:31:48.860 can I draw?

00:31:50.100 I,

00:31:50.280 I didn't discover that I was fuckable until very late in life.

00:31:53.480 And I also am not married.

00:31:54.840 So who gives a shit and whatever.

00:31:56.360 But what I was going to say about that is like,

00:31:58.220 also,

00:31:58.860 I,

00:31:59.120 I,

00:31:59.280 I even hate being like my first bull job.

00:32:00.800 Cause people are going to write in comments.

00:32:01.940 Like all she does is talk about sex. 0.86

00:32:03.900 She's just trying to shoehorn a sex story. 1.00

00:32:05.220 But this,

00:32:05.740 I actually think it's interesting.

00:32:07.600 But what I was going to say,

00:32:08.580 what did you say?

00:32:09.140 I worked at an ice cream store.

00:32:10.300 No,

00:32:10.400 I worked at a pizza place and I worked at a nail salon or a,

00:32:13.700 um,

00:32:14.160 my first job was at like a hair salon as like the receptionist.

00:32:18.240 And I,

00:32:18.620 did you have to sweep up the hair job?

00:32:20.240 And my,

00:32:21.220 no,

00:32:21.680 well,

00:32:21.880 yes,

00:32:22.280 but I like was taking appointments and we used to write them.

00:32:24.620 And I cried so much on the job.

00:32:26.160 One day my tears splashed down and like totally ruined a whole appointment.

00:32:30.180 And like,

00:32:30.640 you couldn't read any of it.

00:32:31.640 And my boss had to comfort me.

00:32:32.920 And I,

00:32:33.380 I just left and never came back.

00:32:34.860 And she was calling my house,

00:32:36.020 trying to pay me.

00:32:36.760 And I was just like,

00:32:37.300 I can't be seen there again.

00:32:38.540 Like I was just,

00:32:39.820 I would temp here in LA when I was struggling.

00:32:42.580 I was up nanny most of the time because it's just like,

00:32:45.720 they trust you.

00:32:46.320 If you're like a woman who smiles, 1.00

00:32:48.200 like they don't think you'll like hurt their kids.

00:32:50.660 It's all about the JPEG when it comes to nanny. 0.99

00:32:52.440 And I feel like,

00:32:53.120 it's all about like the,

00:32:54.380 the picture,

00:32:55.020 you know,

00:32:55.180 when you see those all pair websites.

00:32:57.240 Yeah.

00:32:57.640 Oh yeah.

00:32:58.060 And like you want someone who has like,

00:33:00.180 you know,

00:33:01.280 references and stuff.

00:33:02.100 But I,

00:33:02.500 I was babysitting like with a service that would just dispatch you.

00:33:05.720 And it's so easy.

00:33:06.800 And I babysat for Judd Apatow.

00:33:09.540 Oh really?

00:33:10.120 For a bit.

00:33:11.120 That was really cool.

00:33:12.560 And just like gave me like a peek into that.

00:33:14.500 Yeah.

00:33:15.040 It was like 25 bucks an hour.

00:33:16.240 It was nice.

00:33:16.520 Damn,

00:33:16.740 y'all working for the rich.

00:33:17.760 But I was doing like,

00:33:18.720 I was temping.

00:33:19.440 Did you ever temp?

00:33:20.300 Did you ever do a girl? 0.98

00:33:23.360 What's that thing?

00:33:24.060 Sugar girls or whatever? 1.00

00:33:25.560 What's that?

00:33:26.460 Sugar babes. 0.73

00:33:27.120 Sugar babes? 0.94

00:33:27.960 Yeah.

00:33:28.320 Theo,

00:33:28.500 I don't know who you think I am.

00:33:29.600 Yeah,

00:33:29.880 sorry.

00:33:30.280 I don't,

00:33:31.400 I cannot have sex with someone I like,

00:33:33.500 like,

00:33:34.080 let alone,

00:33:34.860 I'm like very weird about sex.

00:33:37.340 I know.

00:33:37.680 I'm fascinated by your stuff with it as well.

00:33:39.460 Because I feel like,

00:33:40.920 I look at sugar babies or like OnlyFans girls and like, 0.94

00:33:43.920 thoughts and girls that are just like porn stars. 0.57

00:33:46.220 I like love them all.

00:33:47.500 And I don't know like,

00:33:51.200 but I'm still weird about putting that kind of stuff out there.

00:33:54.360 Oh,

00:33:54.760 I remember at first,

00:33:55.540 yeah,

00:33:55.760 when I even got that first blow job,

00:33:57.420 I even remembered asking my buddy to go with me because I was nervous,

00:34:00.640 you know?

00:34:01.120 Yeah.

00:34:01.520 I mean,

00:34:01.760 I guess guys are nervous too.

00:34:03.180 I mean,

00:34:03.440 I would assume you guys are more driven,

00:34:05.560 but girls are like, 1.00

00:34:06.180 I've got to get this out of the way.

00:34:07.180 I just,

00:34:07.720 I didn't give a blow job until I was a junior in college.

00:34:10.260 And all my friends,

00:34:11.200 I was like,

00:34:11.740 they were all having sex relationships.

00:34:13.320 I was just like,

00:34:14.320 I haven't even had sex.

00:34:15.120 I got to blow someone.

00:34:16.260 So I was just like,

00:34:17.000 who was it?

00:34:17.820 It was a comedian that that's the interesting part is I can't say who it was,

00:34:21.860 but it was a,

00:34:22.360 it was see,

00:34:23.260 I,

00:34:23.720 I was such a prude.

00:34:24.980 Was he tall or short?

00:34:27.500 Medium.

00:34:28.820 Hmm.

00:34:29.440 I better know who it is.

00:34:30.480 I'll tell you,

00:34:31.100 I'll tell you who it is off air,

00:34:32.440 but I can't say it on air.

00:34:33.540 I don't want to know off air.

00:34:34.940 Really?

00:34:35.460 Yeah.

00:34:36.000 Okay.

00:34:36.360 Well,

00:34:36.660 good.

00:34:37.400 I'll tell you whatever you want to know because I would trust you,

00:34:39.640 but I,

00:34:40.160 but I respect that you don't care.

00:34:43.320 Yeah.

00:34:43.620 I don't like knowing some of that kind of stuff.

00:34:45.460 You know,

00:34:45.860 I agree.

00:34:46.480 I am actually more mystery.

00:34:49.000 Well,

00:34:49.400 I'd like to be able to imagine you blowing a couple of different people that I have.

00:34:53.200 Like,

00:34:53.520 I mean,

00:34:53.900 my roster is crazy of people,

00:34:55.820 you know,

00:34:56.100 but like,

00:34:56.820 but that's the thing.

00:34:57.600 Everyone's going to be like,

00:34:58.080 she's such a whore. 1.00

00:34:58.800 I literally,

00:34:59.520 I don't think you're a whore. 1.00

00:35:00.440 You're also an adult.

00:35:01.300 It's not like you're a child.

00:35:02.720 Who's who's like sneaking into people's houses and talking.

00:35:05.880 You are a regular adult and you can have sex. 0.57

00:35:08.080 I know.

00:35:08.380 But if I were having a lot of sex,

00:35:09.840 I would talk about it.

00:35:10.540 It seems like I do because I talk about sex a lot,

00:35:12.540 but I don't like,

00:35:13.420 I haven't had sex in two years and like what?

00:35:15.740 Yeah.

00:35:16.020 Oh,

00:35:16.160 we're going to get right into that.

00:35:17.000 Here's a woman right here that has a question. 0.84

00:35:18.400 She's obviously,

00:35:19.120 she's not doing well either.

00:35:20.160 What's up?

00:35:22.600 Is she Australian?

00:35:23.500 We can't hear her.

00:35:27.300 She's so cute.

00:35:28.160 What?

00:35:28.400 You can't even hear her.

00:35:29.440 And you know,

00:35:29.840 you think she's Australian.

00:35:30.780 What makes you think that?

00:35:31.500 I just get an Aussie vibe from her.

00:35:36.120 I can only do one.

00:35:37.980 It's your girl,

00:35:38.520 Kevvy over here in RAF,

00:35:41.100 Lake and Heath,

00:35:41.760 England.

00:35:42.100 That's Royal Air Force Base.

00:35:43.460 Oh yeah.

00:35:43.900 I've been there.

00:35:45.300 My question for Nikki is how,

00:35:47.320 and I'm sure you'll probably get five variations of the same question,

00:35:50.720 but it's about coming up as a female comic. 1.00

00:35:52.460 So what I've always noticed is a lot of female comics will start out like their 1.00

00:35:57.520 first like big hit gig is like a lot of sexual based humor.

00:36:03.860 And then as the,

00:36:07.260 you know,

00:36:07.460 their gigs continue,

00:36:08.280 it's like a playoff of the same gig.

00:36:11.160 And what,

00:36:12.180 what pressures do you feel?

00:36:13.340 I guess it's like a female comic of like, 0.99

00:36:15.360 if your humor is not sexual based,

00:36:18.300 like do people think you're not funny anymore?

00:36:20.520 Or like,

00:36:21.140 what is that trend about?

00:36:22.460 I'm curious,

00:36:23.360 obviously not a comic,

00:36:24.520 but it's something I've noticed,

00:36:26.240 you know,

00:36:26.540 with female comics and it doesn't seem like there's a lot of them when there 1.00

00:36:29.840 are always,

00:36:30.660 always sexual based.

00:36:32.160 Yeah.

00:36:32.520 Just curious.

00:36:33.440 Does it feel like that as a female comic? 0.94

00:36:34.900 Thank you.

00:36:35.820 That's a great question.

00:36:36.820 Gang gang.

00:36:37.360 And I appreciate your service over there too.

00:36:38.800 I actually did a show at RAF Lake and Heath one time.

00:36:41.340 It's a great backhanded question.

00:36:42.800 So what she was referencing is what a lot of people say is like,

00:36:46.520 all they talk about is sex.

00:36:47.500 And it's true because I mean,

00:36:50.040 there's this documentary called hysterical about female comics.

00:36:52.460 And it's the last thing I'm sure a lot of people want to watch and I'm in it.

00:36:57.760 And I did not expect this to be so fucking good and moving.

00:37:01.280 Like I learned,

00:37:02.180 I watched it and cried at my own story.

00:37:03.880 Like I don't cry.

00:37:04.660 And I was like,

00:37:05.280 I saw myself as like,

00:37:06.760 Oh my God,

00:37:07.180 you're such a scared little girl who doesn't understand her worth.

00:37:10.260 And then I watched all these female comics that I'm friends with in this documentary. 1.00

00:37:14.320 It's so well done,

00:37:15.300 Theo.

00:37:15.520 You will actually really like it.

00:37:17.060 And,

00:37:17.480 um,

00:37:17.780 it's one of the,

00:37:18.340 I love documentaries.

00:37:19.060 It's really well done.

00:37:20.240 And I would not,

00:37:20.800 I'm in a lot of shit.

00:37:21.520 And is it a real documentary that's on?

00:37:23.340 We can see it somewhere now.

00:37:24.620 Well,

00:37:24.900 I'm,

00:37:25.280 uh,

00:37:25.500 yeah,

00:37:25.700 it's called hysterical and it's,

00:37:26.680 uh,

00:37:26.960 FX and on Hulu.

00:37:28.640 But honestly,

00:37:29.440 this is not,

00:37:30.280 I,

00:37:30.720 if I wasn't in it,

00:37:32.220 I'd be promoting it.

00:37:33.060 If everyone I told to watch it,

00:37:34.520 who you would think would be like not into that.

00:37:36.680 They fucking,

00:37:37.600 people have overheard me listening to it.

00:37:39.140 But anyway,

00:37:39.700 I watched all of my friends on there being like,

00:37:42.300 what drove them to stand up?

00:37:44.820 Judy gold,

00:37:45.620 Rachel Feinstein,

00:37:46.900 uh,

00:37:47.180 Sherry Shepard,

00:37:47.980 Margaret show,

00:37:49.360 uh,

00:37:49.860 who else?

00:37:50.240 Uh,

00:37:50.640 Bonnie McFarlane,

00:37:51.700 Marina Franklin,

00:37:52.660 fortune theme.

00:37:53.260 So it's Liza,

00:37:54.680 uh,

00:37:54.900 Lisa.

00:37:55.120 Griffin made it in.

00:37:56.080 Yeah.

00:37:56.600 Yeah.

00:37:57.080 She's in it.

00:37:57.700 I love her,

00:37:58.300 but we all,

00:37:59.320 and then the girl that stood up to,

00:38:00.880 um,

00:38:01.260 Harvey Weinstein,

00:38:02.220 Harvey Weinstein was at a fucking open mic that,

00:38:03.960 or the show this girl was doing.

00:38:05.060 And she called him out.

00:38:06.280 It was so brave.

00:38:07.560 It's,

00:38:08.040 it's fucking good.

00:38:08.800 But my point is female comics talk about sex. 1.00

00:38:11.460 At least it's presented in that documentary because we were like silenced about our bodies and like controlled about it for so long that when you talk,

00:38:17.460 you want to talk about like what you've been doing.

00:38:20.240 I've been told you can't talk about,

00:38:21.140 but for me,

00:38:21.800 when it comes to sex,

00:38:23.420 I,

00:38:23.960 I've done Fallon,

00:38:26.140 like stand up on Fallon four or five times at this point.

00:38:29.320 I can do clean material.

00:38:30.540 I don't have to talk about sex and talk about sex in any of that.

00:38:32.880 That's,

00:38:33.320 and I've done,

00:38:34.260 I've done tons of like squeaky things and people go,

00:38:38.040 oh,

00:38:38.120 she,

00:38:38.320 she's filthy. 1.00

00:38:39.340 The thing is I talk about sex because I like it.

00:38:42.040 I'm not trying to talk about sex with you today because I am like trying to be like sexual or because I don't really,

00:38:47.760 I don't think I'm funny about anything else.

00:38:48.820 It's interesting and no one's talking about it.

00:38:51.340 People still think,

00:38:52.320 oh,

00:38:52.500 everything's been talked about.

00:38:53.600 It's like,

00:38:53.860 no,

00:38:54.180 it hasn't.

00:38:55.040 I'm still encountering things that I'm like,

00:38:56.760 I need someone to process this with me.

00:38:58.700 And for me,

00:38:59.340 that is saying it on stage and having people laugh and go or have girls go, 0.99

00:39:03.680 oh my God,

00:39:03.920 that happens to me too.

00:39:04.580 I needed to hear that.

00:39:05.360 And like empowering girls. 0.99

00:39:07.800 I just really want to do with stand up,

00:39:09.380 talk about sex because I want men to know how we're feeling and I want to understand how men are feeling.

00:39:13.300 So I want to express what I think men are feeling and hear if that's right or not.

00:39:17.820 And like,

00:39:18.340 and be,

00:39:18.980 and make people feel better about it because I'm just,

00:39:21.540 the reason I talk about sex is because I'm so fucking scared of sex and like,

00:39:24.760 so also want it,

00:39:26.200 but also don't want it.

00:39:27.120 And it's like the most interesting thing.

00:39:28.540 Well,

00:39:28.720 yeah,

00:39:28.900 I mean,

00:39:29.080 sex is an interesting thing.

00:39:30.360 It's really like a,

00:39:31.260 it's like,

00:39:31.800 I mean,

00:39:32.080 it's how we get here also.

00:39:33.320 It's like,

00:39:33.820 you don't even exist if somebody doesn't have sex, 0.88

00:39:36.000 you know?

00:39:36.460 So that's what,

00:39:37.420 yeah.

00:39:37.620 The fact that it has so much magic in it.

00:39:39.360 I would be a sex therapist if I wasn't a comedian.

00:39:41.880 If I didn't have like talent in,

00:39:44.120 in what I could perform,

00:39:44.960 I would still work in the sex field.

00:39:46.420 Do you think that women don't get broad enough with their topics though? 0.97

00:39:49.540 No,

00:39:50.220 I think talk about whatever the fuck you want.

00:39:51.960 You know,

00:39:52.160 like I,

00:39:53.240 anything I do now,

00:39:54.440 that's what we were talking about,

00:39:55.100 like hobbies and stuff and feeling you waste time.

00:39:57.540 When I do something now that feels like if I masturbate now,

00:40:00.260 let's say,

00:40:00.700 or do something that I'm like,

00:40:01.760 I'm trying to think of another or get a massage.

00:40:04.240 Like I'm getting a foot massage after this one.

00:40:05.620 Really?

00:40:05.880 I maybe should work on some stuff I have do.

00:40:07.760 Yeah.

00:40:08.140 But it's like those things,

00:40:09.200 it's not a waste.

00:40:10.320 Like I want it or smoking weed when I probably shouldn't being like,

00:40:14.800 instead of being like,

00:40:15.340 you're smoking weed,

00:40:16.060 this is so bad.

00:40:16.600 I'm just like,

00:40:17.820 listen,

00:40:18.340 I have a life.

00:40:19.540 Where I choose what I get to do.

00:40:21.340 And so if I'm doing it,

00:40:22.060 I must want to do it.

00:40:22.980 It must be serving me in some way.

00:40:24.180 So just cut the guilt.

00:40:25.940 Right.

00:40:26.260 And just enjoy it.

00:40:27.640 So that,

00:40:28.880 I have that approach now with sex stuff.

00:40:30.860 Like I,

00:40:32.000 I will talk about whatever fascinates me,

00:40:34.420 but sex still fascinates me until it doesn't.

00:40:36.800 When my libido drops,

00:40:37.840 when I'm doing standup,

00:40:38.660 when I'm 60,

00:40:39.140 I probably won't be talking about fucking.

00:40:40.640 Right.

00:40:41.760 Well,

00:40:42.160 we can always check then,

00:40:43.440 you know?

00:40:45.460 Yeah,

00:40:45.880 I think it's tough sometimes.

00:40:47.260 I don't like talking about it because it just seems kind of vulgar to me sometimes.

00:40:50.860 Yeah.

00:40:51.220 And that's like,

00:40:52.020 so I like thinking about it sometimes,

00:40:54.080 you know,

00:40:55.200 but I don't like really,

00:40:56.160 I guess sometimes I don't like talking about it,

00:40:57.740 but I'm also like,

00:40:58.380 it's the vulgarity that makes you go,

00:41:00.520 but then that makes you feel shame about the sex stuff.

00:41:02.720 It breeds shame.

00:41:03.880 You're right.

00:41:04.260 Like I'm,

00:41:04.800 I'm getting into talking about molestation on stage now.

00:41:07.800 Like I want to do like a fucking molestation chunk.

00:41:10.540 I have not been molested.

00:41:11.620 So as someone who hasn't been molested.

00:41:13.120 Oh,

00:41:13.280 you got to get out there.

00:41:14.240 I got to get,

00:41:14.940 well,

00:41:15.160 I'm going to therapy to find it.

00:41:16.500 Cause I feel like I have,

00:41:17.500 I'm so fascinated by molestation and what it does to people and,

00:41:20.160 and how much it's happening that we don't know about and how much it affects.

00:41:23.560 So many of my friends that have opened up to me about being molested.

00:41:26.560 So many people were molested.

00:41:27.540 It's everyone.

00:41:28.380 It is.

00:41:29.100 Jesus.

00:41:29.640 Why don't we just admit that everybody's molested?

00:41:32.500 If you're molested,

00:41:33.220 it wasn't your fault.

00:41:34.080 There's nothing you did.

00:41:35.080 If you enjoyed it,

00:41:35.840 it wasn't your fault.

00:41:36.520 If you went along with it,

00:41:37.560 it wasn't your fault.

00:41:38.260 You were a kid.

00:41:39.480 You forgive yourself.

00:41:40.500 It doesn't mean you're gay.

00:41:41.500 Even if you enjoyed it and you were with a man and now you're in a relationship,

00:41:44.240 forgive yourself.

00:41:45.600 Talk to someone about it.

00:41:46.520 I don't understand what that's like.

00:41:47.940 Do you ever wish that you were molested?

00:41:49.240 You feel like,

00:41:49.940 I,

00:41:50.180 I have a joke about it.

00:41:51.000 Like being like,

00:41:51.440 it would explain so much if I was able to go,

00:41:54.480 Oh,

00:41:54.860 it's that because my uncle and that one time,

00:41:57.360 and my mom ignored it, 1.00

00:41:58.480 but I wasn't.

00:41:59.640 I was,

00:42:00.540 I mean,

00:42:00.780 I was assaulted for my first kiss,

00:42:02.160 but in the scheme of things,

00:42:03.360 it was very,

00:42:04.220 very minor.

00:42:04.880 And,

00:42:05.200 but it scarred me to be scared of men and feel like they could just jump on me

00:42:09.020 and I can't get them off of me.

00:42:10.180 And then they'll hate me.

00:42:11.100 Today's episode is brought to you by liquid death,

00:42:14.840 mountain water,

00:42:16.120 murder your thirst.

00:42:22.000 Is there something interfering with your happiness in your life?

00:42:25.600 Do you sometimes think about a smiley face and then you,

00:42:28.960 you can't even finish drawing it because you just are,

00:42:32.120 are not happy?

00:42:33.940 Well,

00:42:34.220 better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist.

00:42:39.520 Better help.

00:42:41.060 Now you think,

00:42:42.000 man,

00:42:42.240 I can't get help.

00:42:43.120 I can't get help,

00:42:44.140 man.

00:42:44.900 Nobody wants to help me.

00:42:46.680 That's crazy,

00:42:47.560 buddy.

00:42:48.180 You can start communicating in under 48 hours with a therapist.

00:42:52.380 That's right.

00:42:52.880 From right now.

00:42:53.920 It's not a crisis line.

00:42:55.180 It's not self-help.

00:42:56.560 It's professional counseling done securely online.

00:43:00.640 So if you,

00:43:02.180 you know,

00:43:02.400 you don't want to go to your town therapist or you don't want to go,

00:43:05.560 maybe your wife is the therapist in your town and you don't want to go

00:43:08.500 because she's going to know that you got a problem with her. 1.00

00:43:11.180 So that's scary.

00:43:12.640 Better help.

00:43:13.320 Wants you to start living a happier life today.

00:43:17.240 I've used better help.

00:43:19.040 I support what they do.

00:43:20.860 You can go to better help.com slash Theo.

00:43:23.700 That's B E T T E R H E L P. 0.96

00:43:27.120 Dot com slash T H E O. 1.00

00:43:29.860 And join the over 1 million people who have taken advantage of their mental

00:43:34.020 health with the help of an experienced professional.

00:43:36.900 This podcast is sponsored by better help.

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00:43:58.880 they got a little Yugo in them or a little,

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00:45:02.540 What do you think about,

00:45:03.840 what was the thing I was looking at the other day?

00:45:06.960 Are you dating?

00:45:07.880 Are you dating men now?

00:45:09.040 Are you being able to meet men?

00:45:10.800 Here's a guy that has a question right here.

00:45:12.360 This guy right here is in his car.

00:45:15.940 What up Theo gang gang?

00:45:17.460 This is a question from Nikki.

00:45:18.540 So I've been with my girl for about four years now and I love her to death.

00:45:24.220 However,

00:45:24.620 I feel like the sex has gotten a little predictable in terms of like,

00:45:29.360 I know what's going to happen,

00:45:32.380 how long it's going to take,

00:45:33.820 who's going to go where kind of things like that.

00:45:36.040 And I was wondering what I can do to maybe spice things up.

00:45:43.340 Without,

00:45:43.780 without really having to ask her what she wants me to do to spice things up.

00:45:48.560 Like I kind of want to surprise her.

00:45:50.060 I want her to be like,

00:45:50.820 Oh,

00:45:51.120 this is new and I like it.

00:45:53.220 So what is some advice?

00:45:55.180 What are some,

00:45:55.760 some tricks I can do to spice,

00:45:57.840 to spice things up in my girl's life?

00:46:00.120 Oh,

00:46:00.280 he's trying to be a sex guy.

00:46:01.520 I'm excited to answer this.

00:46:03.240 He's trying to be a real sex man.

00:46:04.660 What you got for him?

00:46:05.680 All right.

00:46:06.120 So some things that I don't think are for every woman,

00:46:09.940 but that a lot of men don't know are most women. 0.99

00:46:12.500 And you can kind of test these out and like,

00:46:14.320 I'm not an expert in any way that I've never thought about answering this,

00:46:17.540 but I'm just going to share some things that I,

00:46:19.380 I like that I think other women would like.

00:46:22.060 And it's being definitely a light choking can't ever hurt somewhat.

00:46:30.160 Like start very like this.

00:46:31.620 If she likes that,

00:46:32.520 then she can tell you to go harder,

00:46:34.020 but doing that out of the blue and just even a light one still feels a little bit like what?

00:46:38.400 Just putting that.

00:46:40.540 You can't go wrong.

00:46:41.280 And if she,

00:46:41.660 even if she's like,

00:46:42.540 no,

00:46:42.880 no,

00:46:43.000 no,

00:46:43.400 that's fine.

00:46:44.180 You didn't do anything.

00:46:44.880 You just put your,

00:46:45.460 like you tried a little something.

00:46:46.900 That's fine.

00:46:47.560 No harm,

00:46:48.020 no foul.

00:46:48.280 I'm just choking her up.

00:46:50.840 Tie us up.

00:46:52.420 We like it.

00:46:53.740 This is going to get everybody.

00:46:55.300 I know into trouble.

00:46:56.400 In a way.

00:46:56.780 No,

00:46:56.940 no,

00:46:57.020 no.

00:46:57.140 Don't just do this without at like just,

00:46:59.900 yeah.

00:47:00.060 And make sure it's indoors.

00:47:01.640 And you,

00:47:02.340 and you can start all of this by saying,

00:47:03.940 if at any point you don't want to do any of this,

00:47:05.820 I will stop.

00:47:06.120 It started with that cat's cradle thing.

00:47:07.920 You know what I'm saying?

00:47:08.540 Don't do like,

00:47:09.860 don't go boat.

00:47:10.680 Not.

00:47:11.060 Yeah.

00:47:11.420 Go like easy.

00:47:12.680 Just,

00:47:13.000 you can get stuff on,

00:47:14.100 um,

00:47:14.720 like all these websites have like easy straps to put under the bed that you can hide.

00:47:18.280 Before you're even fucking her on the bed. 1.00

00:47:19.740 When you get on the bed,

00:47:20.720 go just like take her arm, 0.77

00:47:22.120 kind of go,

00:47:22.660 hold on a second.

00:47:23.420 And then she'll be like, 0.96

00:47:24.220 wait,

00:47:24.480 what?

00:47:24.840 And then put one hand in the thing.

00:47:26.680 Yeah.

00:47:26.900 Then if she's into it and like,

00:47:28.240 what are you doing?

00:47:29.080 Do the other one.

00:47:29.820 Then do the,

00:47:30.660 then do the legs.

00:47:31.960 Then if she's wearing a pair of underwear that are easier, 0.74

00:47:34.160 easily replaceable for like,

00:47:36.320 uh,

00:47:36.820 put on us,

00:47:37.520 put a sleep mask on her blindfold.

00:47:38.860 This is the next thing.

00:47:39.840 These are all consenting.

00:47:40.640 Obviously ask for consent.

00:47:42.020 Then there's like a writer's room.

00:47:44.680 Try to get her underwear off, 1.00

00:47:45.920 but you can't because her legs are down there and then take a scissors and fucking cut 1.00

00:47:49.740 them off and just be like,

00:47:50.840 I don't even respect your underwear.

00:47:52.100 That is hot,

00:47:52.860 but make sure they're not a pair like hanky panky that are like 18 bucks a pop.

00:47:55.700 Make sure these are some like,

00:47:56.720 you know,

00:47:57.940 like just one,

00:47:58.940 even actually if they were my good pair,

00:48:01.160 I would even respect it more.

00:48:02.160 I'd be like this fucking guy doesn't give a fuck about my nice.

00:48:05.500 You're going to,

00:48:05.980 and then he would like pay me for them later or whatever.

00:48:08.280 That's hot.

00:48:09.080 And then here's the other thing.

00:48:09.960 Get her Venmo. 0.95

00:48:11.120 This guy can do with his girlfriend of four years.

00:48:13.060 He knows her well enough to be able to try all of this.

00:48:14.940 Don't do this on like a first date,

00:48:16.720 but then I would say treat her.

00:48:19.940 See if she likes to be a slutty. 1.00

00:48:22.560 See if you,

00:48:23.240 maybe you can like it.

00:48:25.860 See,

00:48:26.120 whatever you want to know.

00:48:27.320 I want to know what he's into.

00:48:28.700 Whatever he's into.

00:48:30.160 She's going to like,

00:48:31.700 she girls just want their girls. 1.00

00:48:34.320 Just want to feel like a guy's like,

00:48:35.780 y'all take a bath first too,

00:48:37.140 though.

00:48:37.940 I think that's important.

00:48:39.000 Yeah.

00:48:39.340 Get her in the bath. 1.00

00:48:40.700 Set it up.

00:48:41.280 Or take your own bath.

00:48:42.420 I think just every cleanliness is always good.

00:48:44.880 But he's asking how to spice it up.

00:48:46.200 I feel like he's not saying that he said it got monotonous,

00:48:49.400 not like musty.

00:48:50.560 Yeah.

00:48:50.880 That's not his problem is the bath.

00:48:52.620 But yeah,

00:48:53.080 we'll start.

00:48:53.660 Who's not taking a bath?

00:48:55.260 I like a good shower no matter what.

00:48:57.080 Yeah.

00:48:57.320 If I'm having sex or watching TV,

00:48:59.020 anything,

00:48:59.100 I like to be clean.

00:49:00.000 Once you get in a relationship,

00:49:00.200 then you go,

00:49:00.840 babe, 0.51

00:49:01.280 this is at your own,

00:49:02.160 swim at your own risk.

00:49:03.220 Yeah.

00:49:03.600 Because you,

00:49:04.280 I'm telling you right now,

00:49:05.260 it's not good.

00:49:05.700 Like morning breath,

00:49:06.400 sometimes you're like,

00:49:06.920 it's bad and they don't care.

00:49:08.140 That's kind of hot too.

00:49:09.060 But here's,

00:49:09.660 here's a good one.

00:49:10.960 Good girl.

00:49:12.280 Okay.

00:49:12.800 This is when you push her to do things that might be a little too

00:49:16.600 hoarse beyond her comfort zone.

00:49:17.960 And like,

00:49:18.600 she's like,

00:49:19.220 if a girl's sucking your dick and you grab her hair a little 1.00

00:49:22.060 aggressively and you say,

00:49:23.000 good girl,

00:49:23.420 sorry,

00:49:23.700 I'm not trying to turn anyone on.

00:49:24.900 It's really,

00:49:25.720 it really is good.

00:49:26.660 Girls love hearing good girl.

00:49:28.260 And then the final one is,

00:49:30.360 uh,

00:49:31.760 tell us we can't come.

00:49:33.420 Try to make us come and then say,

00:49:34.760 don't you fuck, 0.99

00:49:35.360 don't you dare come.

00:49:36.320 Oh,

00:49:36.540 like David Blaine kind of thing.

00:49:37.940 Don't do it.

00:49:38.860 And be like,

00:49:39.320 and be like,

00:49:39.940 if you come,

00:49:40.400 I'm going to be really upset with you.

00:49:41.700 Like just,

00:49:42.060 you don't even need to be like,

00:49:42.780 I'm going to punch you,

00:49:43.760 but like,

00:49:44.380 or like,

00:49:44.840 I'm going to,

00:49:45.200 you're not going,

00:49:45.640 you're going to get the whip. 1.00

00:49:46.340 I'm going to tickle you maybe or something.

00:49:47.400 Yeah.

00:49:47.840 Or I'm just going to be really disappointed in you.

00:49:50.200 And she's going to be like,

00:49:50.780 what the fuck?

00:49:51.160 And go,

00:49:51.660 but I'm going to try to make you come,

00:49:52.700 but you're not allowed to come.

00:49:53.360 And like,

00:49:53.800 try to,

00:49:54.220 if you have that power dynamic,

00:49:55.300 and then when you tell her to come,

00:49:56.520 I swear to God,

00:49:57.180 it will be really,

00:49:58.100 really good.

00:49:58.380 And no guys know that one.

00:49:59.340 And that one is a,

00:50:00.400 that one's real good.

00:50:01.520 That one's a lifesaver.

00:50:02.500 Yeah.

00:50:03.160 And to answer,

00:50:04.220 wait,

00:50:04.540 what were you asking before?

00:50:06.220 Just to spice it up.

00:50:07.820 No,

00:50:08.160 I have,

00:50:08.440 he had a question for me before this.

00:50:09.860 I think he meant just like,

00:50:10.760 get a card or something.

00:50:12.100 That's what I'm saying.

00:50:12.840 I think the guy meant something.

00:50:14.400 he meant,

00:50:14.920 he meant bedroom stuff.

00:50:16.020 You think?

00:50:17.560 Yes.

00:50:18.140 But do you,

00:50:18.460 he said the sex has gotten monotonous.

00:50:20.160 Yeah,

00:50:20.500 you're right.

00:50:21.080 You're right.

00:50:21.140 He's talking about sex.

00:50:22.060 And these are simple things.

00:50:23.040 These aren't even like,

00:50:24.340 bring lube into blowjobs. 1.00

00:50:26.300 Lube makes things so like,

00:50:28.260 sexy and wet,

00:50:29.200 and like pornographic,

00:50:30.260 that you like,

00:50:31.080 girls stop just trying to exist on your own wetness. 1.00

00:50:34.080 Like,

00:50:34.300 just bring in lube. 0.99

00:50:35.460 Yeah.

00:50:35.660 And then,

00:50:36.080 and then,

00:50:37.000 I literally bring in toys.

00:50:38.160 You got to outsource.

00:50:39.280 Toys.

00:50:39.980 Okay.

00:50:40.200 That guy needs a, 0.96

00:50:40.920 hold on.

00:50:41.420 This guy's just,

00:50:42.940 who even knows what's going on?

00:50:43.960 But I'm giving a grab bag for your listeners

00:50:45.280 because so many people are in stagnant sex relationships.

00:50:47.700 Yeah.

00:50:48.000 Bringing a toy into bed is so hot

00:50:50.620 because I will tell you,

00:50:52.460 don't be threatened by it

00:50:53.380 because when a guy brings a toy in,

00:50:55.020 I go,

00:50:55.860 like,

00:50:56.200 I was telling my friend the other day,

00:50:57.240 I was hooking up and this guy was,

00:50:58.940 that's all I know.

00:50:59.880 Yeah,

00:51:00.100 bring,

00:51:00.720 bring your Legos.

00:51:03.200 When this guy was going down on me

00:51:04.900 and it was just not what I wanted,

00:51:06.600 it wasn't going to work out,

00:51:07.660 you know?

00:51:08.380 But he was doing other things,

00:51:09.140 he was doing hand stuff that I was like,

00:51:10.300 now that's good.

00:51:11.240 But the other stuff is just a distraction

00:51:12.980 and I can't get there.

00:51:14.300 And then I was like,

00:51:15.160 can I just use my vibrator?

00:51:16.860 And he was like,

00:51:17.480 sure.

00:51:18.100 And it was such a much better orgasm

00:51:20.040 than I could have done alone with a vibrator.

00:51:21.660 So I did need him

00:51:22.720 and it was much better

00:51:24.040 than I could have done alone with him

00:51:25.380 without like,

00:51:26.240 because we weren't,

00:51:26.680 I was not having sex with him.

00:51:27.680 So I was like,

00:51:28.380 but you know what I'm saying?

00:51:29.440 Men shouldn't be threatened by toys.

00:51:30.940 Are you threatened by them?

00:51:31.700 If a girl is like, 1.00

00:51:32.520 I don't think I am.

00:51:33.900 How do you not know if you are?

00:51:36.480 I don't know.

00:51:37.300 I don't know.

00:51:37.900 I don't know.

00:51:38.420 Jesus Christ.

00:51:39.200 I have no idea anymore.

00:51:40.620 What I'm trying to say is,

00:51:42.320 I think,

00:51:44.220 I think it's like,

00:51:45.780 What Theo?

00:51:46.460 Huh?

00:51:46.920 What?

00:51:47.640 Oh, dang.

00:51:49.500 I'm just saying that,

00:51:51.200 yeah,

00:51:51.500 the guy's having a tough time

00:51:53.600 and now you'll be able to help him out.

00:51:54.880 I think that that's good.

00:51:55.720 I think the guy can now have sex with his wife. 1.00

00:51:58.340 I think you're making my advice seem like too much,

00:52:00.920 but I think it was fucking spot on.

00:52:02.660 And I think your listeners are,

00:52:04.380 A lot of men need it.

00:52:05.700 They're going to need it.

00:52:06.540 A lot of men need it.

00:52:07.100 And a lot of girls need this. 1.00

00:52:08.140 This is for the ladies too. 0.54

00:52:09.280 Like,

00:52:09.740 we got to stop pretending

00:52:10.840 like we all know what we're doing.

00:52:12.760 We don't.

00:52:13.740 Well,

00:52:14.000 I get afraid to talk about stuff that I like.

00:52:16.500 That's one of my things.

00:52:17.540 You get afraid to talk about it?

00:52:19.100 I'll get afraid to bring stuff up.

00:52:20.780 Okay,

00:52:21.020 so what is something you,

00:52:22.020 can you admit something that you like here

00:52:23.880 that maybe women wouldn't know that men like

00:52:26.840 that is one of these things

00:52:28.040 that I'm kind of sharing with you

00:52:29.300 that you're like,

00:52:29.820 oh,

00:52:29.940 I didn't even know to think to do that.

00:52:31.360 Is there something in bed

00:52:31.860 that a girl's done it before

00:52:32.660 and you're like,

00:52:33.320 that's a good one?

00:52:35.040 I just like kind of like sneaky stuff.

00:52:37.700 Like if,

00:52:38.260 I like more of like a,

00:52:39.920 I don't like somebody who's all like fast

00:52:42.440 and like it feels like they're trying to like

00:52:43.840 Brazilian jujitsu me.

00:52:45.640 I like more,

00:52:46.240 some of them like a little bit more of a,

00:52:48.360 like making love?

00:52:50.600 No,

00:52:50.960 I don't need like,

00:52:52.000 you want a Counting Crows song playing in the background?

00:52:54.200 I don't need anything like that.

00:52:55.640 Fading everything.

00:52:56.660 No,

00:52:57.240 but I don't mind things.

00:52:58.640 Sometimes a little bit more,

00:53:00.100 like sometimes you get somebody

00:53:01.240 and they're just like,

00:53:02.220 they're so just like,

00:53:03.300 rah,

00:53:03.580 rah,

00:53:03.880 rah.

00:53:04.200 It's just like,

00:53:04.640 Jesus Christ.

00:53:04.660 Yes,

00:53:04.860 you got to be on the same energy level.

00:53:06.780 Yes.

00:53:06.900 Sometimes it is like,

00:53:08.100 but sometimes,

00:53:08.960 like,

00:53:09.300 yeah,

00:53:09.980 too fast is,

00:53:11.820 like I learned about blowjobs, 0.53

00:53:13.940 which I didn't know from my guy friends,

00:53:15.500 is that a lot of girls start at like a 10. 1.00

00:53:18.220 Yeah.

00:53:18.580 Like you start sucking dick and you're like, 0.99

00:53:19.460 I'm giving it my all.

00:53:20.480 And it's like,

00:53:20.980 start at a two.

00:53:22.480 Don't give them what you got.

00:53:23.720 Go to a four.

00:53:24.600 Keep it at four.

00:53:25.460 Go back down to two.

00:53:26.640 Go down to one.

00:53:27.260 Save seven through 10 for your wedding.

00:53:28.640 Save seven through 10 for the future.

00:53:30.120 Just save it for the end.

00:53:31.340 Like I always went in really aggressive.

00:53:33.680 Like my first blowjob was terrible.

00:53:35.420 My second,

00:53:35.980 third,

00:53:36.180 like I was so bad for so long

00:53:38.020 and I probably am not that good.

00:53:39.180 But what really is good,

00:53:40.900 I think about a blowjob is you just have to enjoy it.

00:53:42.940 So now I'm just like,

00:53:43.820 I try to just go like,

00:53:44.620 what do I want to do?

00:53:45.500 Because if the guy thinks I'm having fun,

00:53:46.940 he's going to think that he's like,

00:53:48.860 he's going to feel better about it.

00:53:50.040 What if a man,

00:53:50.340 what if a man,

00:53:51.200 if you're given a oral and it's too fast,

00:53:54.920 if a man tells you that,

00:53:56.260 is that better if he tells you?

00:53:57.380 Too fast,

00:53:57.760 too fast,

00:53:58.100 too fast.

00:53:58.780 Yes,

00:53:59.200 that's it.

00:53:59.780 Oh my God.

00:54:00.160 That's so good.

00:54:00.520 But then sometimes a girl will look at you 1.00

00:54:02.120 like she doesn't want to go slower.

00:54:03.300 Like she's in a hurry.

00:54:04.420 No,

00:54:04.620 no,

00:54:04.780 no.

00:54:04.900 Well,

00:54:05.220 if someone can't understand that it feels better

00:54:08.100 if you go slower and they're offended by that,

00:54:10.560 that's not someone you should be with.

00:54:11.680 Okay.

00:54:12.180 And if you're scared to communicate,

00:54:13.640 and I've been like that with you,

00:54:14.720 I've,

00:54:15.040 I had a guy once going down on me

00:54:17.540 and I was just like,

00:54:18.740 that's not,

00:54:19.360 that's not.

00:54:19.800 And I was just like,

00:54:20.440 if you do this like right here,

00:54:21.580 I like had the solution,

00:54:22.620 you know,

00:54:22.780 I was like,

00:54:23.080 oh my God,

00:54:23.360 you know,

00:54:23.660 it's like a massage.

00:54:24.360 You're like,

00:54:24.920 no,

00:54:25.080 no,

00:54:25.180 no,

00:54:25.340 up an inch or whatever.

00:54:27.000 And I was like,

00:54:27.620 oh my God.

00:54:27.920 And he just goes,

00:54:28.540 I got it.

00:54:29.600 Like he kind of like,

00:54:30.400 like I was trying to figure out the directions.

00:54:33.340 People don't want to,

00:54:33.960 yeah,

00:54:34.160 sometimes they want to just figure it out.

00:54:35.580 Car navigation.

00:54:36.100 Like,

00:54:36.280 I got it.

00:54:37.140 You know,

00:54:37.380 like,

00:54:37.480 and I was like,

00:54:38.100 it's my pussy. 1.00

00:54:39.120 I actually got it.

00:54:40.240 Like,

00:54:40.440 I know how to operate this thing.

00:54:42.560 But then part of this,

00:54:43.540 some of that all takes away the magic.

00:54:45.320 I get it.

00:54:45.660 But no,

00:54:51.580 I don't even know if he's going to be able to,

00:54:52.840 but let's just see.

00:54:53.860 And then I come a lot.

00:54:55.100 Like that will be magical.

00:54:56.920 Girls don't care if it's like, 1.00

00:54:58.120 you know what?

00:54:58.800 He made me come.

00:54:59.620 But the coolest thing is he found it without me telling.

00:55:02.280 Like girls don't talk like that. 0.99

00:55:03.420 Just we're fine.

00:55:05.000 If you just do what we tell you to do and do it well,

00:55:07.300 it's like awesome.

00:55:08.240 Yeah,

00:55:08.380 you're right.

00:55:08.760 So ask and tell girls because girls need to learn. 1.00

00:55:11.820 I feel like I didn't learn how to do stuff until I was in relationships where it was like,

00:55:16.120 we could actually have some real conversations about what is good and what's bad.

00:55:19.400 And it's like,

00:55:20.080 I make it a guessing game.

00:55:21.240 If you know what you like,

00:55:22.660 a lot of times is I didn't start masturbating until so long that I didn't.

00:55:25.580 And I didn't hook up with anyone for so long that when every,

00:55:28.580 all these magazines are saying like,

00:55:29.680 communicate with your man,

00:55:30.640 what do you like?

00:55:31.080 I was like,

00:55:31.900 I'm 32 and I don't know what I like.

00:55:34.060 I don't even know what to tell a guy.

00:55:35.300 Like,

00:55:35.660 what do you want me to do down there?

00:55:36.520 I'm like,

00:55:37.660 just rub. 0.97

00:55:38.620 Like I used to want a guy to just rub his face in it.

00:55:40.620 So he hit something like,

00:55:41.560 I don't know the spot,

00:55:42.640 but now I know a better idea.

00:55:44.620 Think about the different quarantine purchases you made.

00:55:48.660 Maybe you bought a bunch of,

00:55:50.540 uh,

00:55:50.980 fresh squid ink bath bombs,

00:55:53.040 or maybe you bought a,

00:55:55.020 uh,

00:55:55.420 a lean to or something or a native American home.

00:55:59.960 Well,

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00:56:05.640 And America's Americans overspend on car and home insurance by billions each year.

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00:56:49.600 Wouldn't it be great if there was a,

00:56:51.540 a little manual or a fan flip that helped you be better,

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00:58:05.100 Headspace.com slash Theo.

00:58:06.760 Well,

00:58:07.980 this guy's beautiful,

00:58:09.240 honestly.

00:58:09.400 Oh my God.

00:58:10.400 I'm going to say that.

00:58:11.360 Wow.

00:58:11.500 What up Theo?

00:58:12.300 What up Nikki?

00:58:13.140 Hi.

00:58:13.620 Here by the pool.

00:58:15.420 I'm a 22 year old guy,

00:58:17.020 you know,

00:58:17.420 on the hunt for that,

00:58:18.340 uh,

00:58:19.240 that kitty.

00:58:19.720 I'm always looking for different ways to approach a girl at a bar.

00:58:24.000 So Nikki,

00:58:24.860 the question's for you.

00:58:26.280 Thank God.

00:58:26.700 What's the sexiest ways a man can approach a woman at a bar? 0.77

00:58:30.000 Gang,

00:58:30.240 gang.

00:58:31.000 Gang brother. 0.79

00:58:31.660 There you go,

00:58:32.200 dude.

00:58:32.400 I mean that energy,

00:58:33.440 like watch your video before you approach a woman at a bar and mimic whatever it was that

00:58:38.940 you were putting out in that because that's a sexy guy.

00:58:41.800 And like the way I was just mesmerized by that.

00:58:45.200 It's just like very like,

00:58:46.780 Hey,

00:58:47.120 I know who I am.

00:58:48.440 Hey.

00:58:49.020 And that,

00:58:49.520 you know,

00:58:49.820 that guy.

00:58:50.500 I used to work here.

00:58:51.400 I don't,

00:58:51.960 I've never been hit on it like in public,

00:58:53.700 but some things that I would like to hear is like,

00:58:56.280 I'm sorry.

00:58:57.700 You're,

00:58:58.140 uh,

00:58:58.620 really stunning and seem great.

00:59:01.180 And,

00:59:01.360 uh,

00:59:02.620 that's only something I would say.

00:59:04.060 Be honest.

00:59:05.280 How about honesty?

00:59:06.180 Like,

00:59:06.580 you were the hottest girl in this bar and I know that's a line,

00:59:08.920 but like,

00:59:09.260 if it's true,

00:59:10.360 fucking we want to know. 0.94

00:59:11.260 What about like this?

00:59:12.020 Hey,

00:59:12.160 you seem like,

00:59:13.080 uh,

00:59:14.140 Hey,

00:59:14.420 I just,

00:59:14.880 honestly,

00:59:15.240 I had to come over and say,

00:59:16.160 Hey to you.

00:59:17.040 Love it.

00:59:17.840 I love that.

00:59:18.740 And she'll be like,

00:59:19.520 hi.

00:59:20.180 And then you can just say,

00:59:22.720 um,

00:59:23.180 I don't even,

00:59:24.000 I didn't even have a plan for this.

00:59:25.120 But what I like,

00:59:25.840 one thing that I liked that my friend used to do was,

00:59:28.360 uh,

00:59:28.920 he would give his email to a girl.

00:59:31.880 Like he'd see a girl park and like on a bench and be like, 0.56

00:59:34.300 here,

00:59:34.980 uh,

00:59:35.340 I think you're really cute.

00:59:36.020 I'd love to take you out.

00:59:36.800 Here's my email.

00:59:37.660 So let me know if you want to go out and it's email.

00:59:40.860 So it's not as threatening.

00:59:42.180 And if I don't hear from you,

00:59:43.640 I'll convince myself you lost that,

00:59:45.260 but I hope I do.

00:59:46.220 And then leave.

00:59:48.260 But like that is hot because he didn't give me his number.

00:59:51.320 So it's like,

00:59:51.660 kind of like,

00:59:52.460 okay,

00:59:52.700 I need to like prove this guy worthy of getting his number.

00:59:55.060 So he kind of negs you in a way with just the email.

00:59:57.480 Right.

00:59:57.800 And then he also makes it so like either way he's going to be fine.

01:00:01.300 And you're like,

01:00:01.640 well then that was hot and confident and just what that was confidence.

01:00:06.300 Just exude that and don't wear a shirt and,

01:00:08.720 and lose one of those necklaces.

01:00:10.440 A lot of places you can't even get into without a shirt though.

01:00:13.700 That's true.

01:00:14.460 That's true.

01:00:15.300 Um,

01:00:15.700 okay.

01:00:16.440 Just a deep V just kidding.

01:00:17.920 Do never deep V.

01:00:18.980 Never.

01:00:19.520 Oh no,

01:00:19.940 no,

01:00:20.080 no,

01:00:20.200 no,

01:00:20.380 no,

01:00:20.640 no.

01:00:20.840 Yeah.

01:00:21.160 I don't have any of those anymore.

01:00:23.320 Um,

01:00:23.760 after this conversation,

01:00:24.980 I know,

01:00:25.260 uh,

01:00:26.820 what else is going on?

01:00:28.380 So how are you meeting?

01:00:29.480 Are you meeting people now?

01:00:30.780 If you're not dating?

01:00:31.740 Um,

01:00:32.340 I,

01:00:32.960 I thought you were dating your opener.

01:00:34.300 You guys don't date Andrew.

01:00:36.040 Yeah.

01:00:36.580 Andrew Colin.

01:00:37.200 Andrew Colin is my roommate.

01:00:39.420 He's my best friend.

01:00:40.920 He's my opener.

01:00:41.600 He was my,

01:00:42.060 I met him as my dog walker.

01:00:43.100 He's a hilarious comedian.

01:00:44.180 We have a podcast together.

01:00:45.520 Hold on.

01:00:46.200 We have a podcast together called the Nikki Glaser podcast.

01:00:49.120 It's Monday through Thursday.

01:00:49.980 It's like a day.

01:00:50.340 It's like a morning radio show every day.

01:00:52.620 So I would love if people would subscribe to that.

01:00:54.960 He's fucking hilarious.

01:00:56.000 I thought you guys knew each other.

01:00:56.880 I thought you were good friends.

01:00:57.980 Um,

01:00:58.600 like,

01:00:59.080 cause he loves you.

01:00:59.860 We have met before.

01:01:00.340 He loves you.

01:01:01.020 I love you.

01:01:01.580 We share your clips all the time.

01:01:02.540 He's a very funny man.

01:01:03.520 And we just,

01:01:04.920 we just think the world of you,

01:01:06.000 but it's,

01:01:06.320 it's,

01:01:06.760 uh,

01:01:07.040 so I was like,

01:01:07.580 you got to come with me to,

01:01:08.860 to,

01:01:09.100 to,

01:01:09.220 to,

01:01:09.340 Oh,

01:01:09.400 that's sweet of you.

01:01:10.020 So he's another room,

01:01:10.780 but,

01:01:11.280 um,

01:01:11.720 no,

01:01:12.020 we have never,

01:01:13.020 we've never,

01:01:13.280 that we don't have that.

01:01:14.340 It's like,

01:01:14.900 we're,

01:01:15.340 uh,

01:01:16.040 like best friends and it's just platonic and people are like,

01:01:18.940 how could that be?

01:01:19.780 And I don't know.

01:01:21.560 It's just like,

01:01:22.500 I think it can be boundaries and,

01:01:24.440 and it's great.

01:01:25.380 I live with,

01:01:26.680 I live in St.

01:01:27.200 Louis with him.

01:01:27.900 I convinced him to move from New York to St.

01:01:29.340 Louis.

01:01:29.800 Cause I didn't want to go back to New York or LA because I could get a

01:01:32.520 fucking amazing place in St.

01:01:33.720 Louis.

01:01:34.000 It's by my parents.

01:01:34.760 I was there for the whole pandemic and I was starting a podcast and I knew I

01:01:38.220 needed to cohost.

01:01:38.980 And I was like,

01:01:39.580 I also want,

01:01:40.540 I'm lonely.

01:01:41.280 I want a roommate.

01:01:42.120 I don't have a boyfriend.

01:01:42.920 That's awesome.

01:01:43.600 I don't have my friends all are married.

01:01:45.260 So Andrew,

01:01:46.080 will you move here?

01:01:46.560 We got a fucking penthouse like apartment in St.

01:01:49.660 Louis for fucking cheap.

01:01:51.040 We're living the life.

01:01:52.040 We're doing our podcast at home.

01:01:53.760 We wake up and we just meet.

01:01:55.060 He's got a girlfriend.

01:01:56.580 I'm trying to like date guys.

01:01:58.900 My ex-boyfriend's back in town.

01:02:00.380 Where are you meeting these men though?

01:02:01.920 And I love hearing this.

01:02:03.200 I,

01:02:03.320 um,

01:02:03.620 I recently fell in love,

01:02:05.060 uh,

01:02:05.760 for the,

01:02:06.140 like the,

01:02:06.520 in a deep,

01:02:07.140 deep way for the first time in my life.

01:02:08.700 And I'm like,

01:02:09.320 yeah,

01:02:09.880 it's crazy.

01:02:10.400 And it's already over,

01:02:11.320 but it was awesome.

01:02:12.840 And I met that person in person,

01:02:14.260 like on a,

01:02:14.860 on a job.

01:02:15.860 And it was just like,

01:02:17.260 uh,

01:02:17.820 it was,

01:02:18.440 it only lasted like three weeks.

01:02:21.640 Yeah.

01:02:22.160 Wow.

01:02:22.480 In three weeks.

01:02:23.220 So it was like mad love.

01:02:24.300 Like it was like this fast,

01:02:25.660 furious kind of thing.

01:02:26.620 Yeah.

01:02:26.760 It was a special thing,

01:02:27.700 but it was also like,

01:02:29.320 uh,

01:02:29.580 people can't believe how I'm not like it.

01:02:31.340 And it only ended four weeks ago.

01:02:33.620 Oh my God.

01:02:34.440 And I am.

01:02:35.340 And I thought I was,

01:02:36.200 I told this person I wanted to be with them forever.

01:02:38.100 Like,

01:02:38.540 or not that I wanted to,

01:02:39.340 but like you're one of many men I could probably see myself.

01:02:42.200 And would y'all share a bed at night sometimes?

01:02:44.280 Yeah.

01:02:44.760 Oh my God.

01:02:45.260 Yeah.

01:02:45.400 But I didn't have sex with them because I don't have sex with people until they're my,

01:02:48.360 uh,

01:02:49.560 till my,

01:02:50.040 they're my boyfriend,

01:02:51.160 you know,

01:02:51.480 like not boyfriend,

01:02:52.300 but like just,

01:02:52.880 they're committed to me and like want to be with me.

01:02:55.580 And so we didn't never,

01:02:57.260 it didn't end up being that because we wanted different things.

01:02:59.320 But I,

01:03:00.540 um,

01:03:00.880 but it was so nice to fall in love and like Theo,

01:03:03.300 I don't know that have you ever been in love?

01:03:05.180 It's scary.

01:03:05.880 Yeah.

01:03:06.060 I've been in love,

01:03:06.800 man.

01:03:06.940 When I was young,

01:03:07.980 no man.

01:03:08.800 Like hot,

01:03:09.780 like love where you're like,

01:03:11.120 I'm ready to like be with this person forever where you're like,

01:03:14.580 I'm right.

01:03:14.960 Like,

01:03:15.200 I think I might like,

01:03:16.720 like them no matter what kind of love.

01:03:19.160 Like,

01:03:19.420 what do you mean?

01:03:19.920 Like no matter what,

01:03:20.480 like if there's a fire or anything.

01:03:22.000 Like I've been in love before with guys and felt like I was,

01:03:24.680 I was like literally probably in love with Dave Matthews in high school.

01:03:27.520 Like the feelings I felt for him were so intense that they really.

01:03:31.380 Yeah.

01:03:31.700 Until he opened his bus,

01:03:32.960 like the urinal of their bus up over that bridge.

01:03:35.380 Remember that really kinky shit and it hit all those people on that bridge. 1.00

01:03:38.200 I love when he's scatting.

01:03:40.680 Oh wait,

01:03:41.000 no,

01:03:41.140 that's the gym.

01:03:42.180 Yeah.

01:03:42.740 I think he was opening up for Jim Norton.

01:03:46.120 Yeah.

01:03:46.520 That was,

01:03:47.080 that was a bad moment in the,

01:03:48.860 um,

01:03:49.260 they,

01:03:50.180 you know how they do the river green for St.

01:03:52.440 Patrick's day in Chicago.

01:03:53.380 He was celebrating,

01:03:54.440 um,

01:03:55.020 another holiday that associated with,

01:03:58.680 I couldn't think of one.

01:03:59.700 I didn't even want to try.

01:04:00.860 Do you know what I'm saying?

01:04:01.660 It's just like,

01:04:03.160 I don't know.

01:04:04.100 Um,

01:04:04.440 that would have been a fun joke to make.

01:04:06.000 Uh,

01:04:06.800 do you think sometimes that,

01:04:09.120 but I,

01:04:09.720 as we get older,

01:04:10.560 our brains get a little less acute for making jokes.

01:04:12.900 Have you started to notice that?

01:04:13.860 No,

01:04:13.880 there was the jokes were there.

01:04:15.100 I just couldn't make them.

01:04:15.840 Cause it seemed like it might be racist or something.

01:04:18.040 Oh,

01:04:18.380 like if they painted green for St.

01:04:19.980 Patrick's say it's brown for what's a shit holiday.

01:04:23.680 I don't know.

01:04:24.300 I just go to like brown.

01:04:25.840 What's like the most crazy thing to say about the color brown as my joke brain.

01:04:30.020 And then I go like racial jokes.

01:04:32.260 Right.

01:04:32.500 And then I can't make any of those.

01:04:33.480 So I just go,

01:04:34.060 ah,

01:04:34.280 I'll just stare at the own set and laugh.

01:04:36.320 And,

01:04:36.400 but you're right.

01:04:38.100 I feel like as I get older,

01:04:39.640 yeah,

01:04:39.900 we're getting slowly like more stupid.

01:04:42.500 Sometimes I wonder if my brain gets a little less acute sometimes.

01:04:45.360 You're,

01:04:45.620 you're busting out limousine of rats.

01:04:49.580 Yeah.

01:04:49.900 Just fine.

01:04:50.460 Like you,

01:04:51.420 I watch your shit sometimes.

01:04:52.680 And I go,

01:04:53.660 it's who I'm showing you to someone.

01:04:55.760 I was showing you to the person I was in love with actually.

01:04:58.420 And I was like,

01:04:59.320 he is the funniest.

01:05:00.240 And I,

01:05:01.120 he just goes,

01:05:02.540 it's like his brain works.

01:05:04.760 It's like,

01:05:05.280 I go,

01:05:05.620 it's just,

01:05:06.160 he's just so you're well known as someone who is just like,

01:05:11.440 Jessalyn and I were actually talking about you.

01:05:13.320 It wasn't Jessalyn,

01:05:13.800 but we were talking about you the other night and just saying like,

01:05:15.800 how like your,

01:05:18.720 you're so that your town is so unique.

01:05:21.740 And like,

01:05:22.180 you've always been that way,

01:05:23.220 but it's just like,

01:05:24.400 it's just so cool to see you just like really refine it.

01:05:28.020 And I,

01:05:28.460 I just love watching you and you're so funny,

01:05:30.260 but I don't think you're,

01:05:31.020 you will get more demented.

01:05:32.080 This you're peaking,

01:05:33.180 but it's a downhill from here because,

01:05:35.120 you know,

01:05:36.180 like,

01:05:36.420 well,

01:05:36.840 Gary Shanling,

01:05:37.460 did you watch that thing?

01:05:38.820 The Judd Apatow documentary,

01:05:41.780 the three parter.

01:05:42.680 It's so good.

01:05:43.500 But you see this guy that is a genius kind of start to lose his mind.

01:05:47.780 What happened to him?

01:05:49.220 You know,

01:05:49.580 he was starting to get paranoid about things like who knows what it was.

01:05:52.740 I forget what happened.

01:05:54.100 I think his health was deteriorating.

01:05:55.700 And so his brain as a result of those things,

01:05:58.280 I forget that it could have been a specific thing that was leading to this,

01:06:01.600 but he's,

01:06:01.980 you know,

01:06:02.100 there's a scene of him on Conan later on in his life before his death where he's just not sharp.

01:06:09.100 And it's like talk,

01:06:09.880 you feel like you're watching your uncle being interviewed.

01:06:12.360 Like that has good jokes,

01:06:13.760 but like it's just the timings off.

01:06:15.240 And it's like this,

01:06:16.040 it's sad to see.

01:06:18.140 And I know it goes.

01:06:19.340 Like if I smoke too much pot,

01:06:20.700 my,

01:06:21.180 my,

01:06:21.840 my jokes don't get worse,

01:06:23.840 but my memory for what the fuck I'm talking about gets worse.

01:06:27.280 So it gets more like disjointed.

01:06:29.300 So that's,

01:06:30.020 I,

01:06:30.160 I,

01:06:30.400 I,

01:06:30.820 I definitely feel deteriorating from just like not sleeping from,

01:06:36.160 do you feel that way?

01:06:37.060 Oh,

01:06:37.380 I think sometimes,

01:06:38.920 yeah,

01:06:39.140 I just did a cat.

01:06:39.860 I just went through a ketamine therapy too.

01:06:41.460 I just did a therapy for like two weeks.

01:06:43.340 Yeah.

01:06:43.960 Oh my God.

01:06:44.700 Wait,

01:06:45.080 when did you do that?

01:06:45.820 My brain is a little,

01:06:47.100 I felt a little slow.

01:06:48.160 Even in this conversation,

01:06:49.100 I felt a little disconnected.

01:06:50.760 Theo,

01:06:51.300 I wish I would have known that.

01:06:52.460 Wait,

01:06:52.780 what,

01:06:53.020 can you just quickly tell me what led you to do that and what it was?

01:06:56.620 Yeah.

01:06:56.880 What led me to do it?

01:06:57.960 I met this lady and she had done it.

01:07:00.220 And so.

01:07:00.880 I'm asking like,

01:07:01.680 why do you need ketamine therapy?

01:07:04.200 Oh,

01:07:04.480 because I was having so much pain.

01:07:07.000 I was literally having so much physical pain from stress that I was like,

01:07:12.120 I have to try something different.

01:07:13.300 So I just wanted to try something new,

01:07:15.720 you know?

01:07:16.840 and so ketamine for stress for physical pain because they know it's mental.

01:07:22.280 Well,

01:07:22.440 cause I feel like it's definitely psychosomatic pain.

01:07:24.600 Like it,

01:07:24.820 it comes literally from stress from like things from thoughts and like stressful moments that it happens.

01:07:30.200 Have you read the back pain book?

01:07:31.520 Sarno?

01:07:32.520 It's all about that.

01:07:33.500 Like I will read it sometime,

01:07:35.020 but,

01:07:35.420 but I'm just saying,

01:07:36.140 I probably won't read it.

01:07:36.880 No,

01:07:37.120 you won't.

01:07:37.400 But let me just say,

01:07:38.260 it's a book that has healed so many,

01:07:40.620 my back pain included.

01:07:41.940 You read it and you learn that you're back pain.

01:07:43.600 I don't have any back pain right now.

01:07:44.580 But,

01:07:44.740 but you know,

01:07:45.540 whatever you were trying to treat,

01:07:47.260 the fact that you were able to acknowledge like this is stress and I need to treat the stress,

01:07:50.680 not the physical element.

01:07:52.320 People are getting back surgeries and it's all because it's their subconscious mind is like rerouting pain that they don't want to feel up here to the weakest parts of their skeletal.

01:08:00.180 So your bulging disc is not supposed to hurt as bad as it does.

01:08:03.500 It is there,

01:08:04.440 but you don't need surgery on it.

01:08:06.020 You need to just acknowledge that it's stress.

01:08:08.280 You don't even need to fix the stress.

01:08:09.840 You just acknowledge that it is and it will,

01:08:11.440 it will go away.

01:08:12.500 But then you slowly treat it.

01:08:14.260 But ketamine therapy,

01:08:15.820 is your pain gone now?

01:08:16.980 Well,

01:08:17.400 a couple of things happen.

01:08:18.380 I mean,

01:08:18.880 I feel like it has been going away.

01:08:20.320 I also quit caffeine about two and a half weeks ago.

01:08:23.180 Okay.

01:08:23.480 So I'm trying both those things right now.

01:08:26.020 I am totally obsessed with caffeine addiction because I am addicted to it.

01:08:29.960 And I know you asked about my ZV as if they were caffeine.

01:08:32.060 So I,

01:08:32.300 I did note that early on.

01:08:35.120 Caffeine addiction is from my,

01:08:38.000 uh,

01:08:38.360 I tried to quit caffeine for 20 minutes and was like,

01:08:41.760 felt like I had COVID because of the symptoms of like in the morning,

01:08:44.780 like the depression,

01:08:46.000 just malaise with lethargy.

01:08:49.800 Lethargy.

01:08:50.160 I think it's lethargy,

01:08:52.440 but lethargy too.

01:08:53.780 If you want to say it that way,

01:08:54.840 um,

01:08:55.280 which is wrong,

01:08:55.960 but it's fine.

01:08:57.320 Um,

01:08:58.260 but you,

01:08:58.960 did you experience that?

01:09:00.180 Did you experience like,

01:09:01.300 how did you do it?

01:09:01.940 I have been tired.

01:09:03.060 I think,

01:09:03.780 I think I've been tired from not some of the caffeine,

01:09:06.400 but also I feel,

01:09:07.460 I definitely feel like some of the,

01:09:09.000 the,

01:09:09.560 the acute pain from the stress going away.

01:09:12.620 So that feels pretty good.

01:09:13.800 And then the ketamine thing,

01:09:14.960 some of it was cool.

01:09:15.820 Like some of it got a little scary.

01:09:17.160 I was kind of glad when it was over,

01:09:18.340 I was like,

01:09:18.680 what,

01:09:19.020 how does it go?

01:09:19.680 It just like you go,

01:09:20.560 they hook you up to an Ivy.

01:09:21.480 You're in there with a therapist.

01:09:22.280 And so you just start talking about stuff.

01:09:23.920 And then you like,

01:09:24.900 your brain kind of goes through like these warp zones and stuff.

01:09:27.860 And you literally,

01:09:29.860 I mean,

01:09:30.240 it got,

01:09:30.560 I mean,

01:09:30.840 I remember at one point I thought it was a cryptocurrency.

01:09:33.220 Like you get,

01:09:34.340 you go pretty deep.

01:09:35.420 You might be a little bit slower than you normally are,

01:09:39.120 but you didn't affect your,

01:09:40.540 I love that.

01:09:41.440 I'm clearly seeing that whatever you did did not affect how funny you are and

01:09:44.940 the way your brain works.

01:09:45.680 Cause I think so many people are scared.

01:09:47.660 They treat this stuff.

01:09:49.080 They won't be as funny.

01:09:50.300 Well,

01:09:50.620 I just wanted to try it.

01:09:51.520 Like,

01:09:51.700 I feel like I'm healthy enough to try it.

01:09:52.940 I'm healthy enough to have an experience from it.

01:09:54.980 You know,

01:09:55.420 in the end,

01:09:56.000 I still feel probably like,

01:09:58.200 you know,

01:09:58.740 a lot of my stuff is spiritual in nature and I probably just need to have a

01:10:01.740 relationship with a higher power for myself.

01:10:03.900 Do you?

01:10:04.340 But I could be better for sure.

01:10:06.720 I mean,

01:10:06.900 I have one,

01:10:07.480 but it certainly could be,

01:10:08.600 you know,

01:10:08.880 I just got one too.

01:10:10.180 A year ago.

01:10:10.960 And like,

01:10:12.240 or I've been trying to have one within a,

01:10:16.100 like about over a year and like accept a God or higher power or like admit

01:10:21.440 that I'm not in control of all the things.

01:10:23.880 And that's kind of like about the acceptance of like,

01:10:26.200 okay,

01:10:26.460 I want to masturbate.

01:10:27.320 So I'm masturbating.

01:10:28.160 I want to smoke weed.

01:10:28.820 Okay.

01:10:29.040 I'm smoking weed.

01:10:29.700 Like the gentleness of like,

01:10:32.140 do you not,

01:10:32.840 you're not in control.

01:10:33.660 Just do,

01:10:34.420 just be.

01:10:35.320 And,

01:10:35.800 and the higher power thing and raised being raised as an atheist.

01:10:39.080 I don't know how you were.

01:10:39.960 Oh,

01:10:40.080 you always raised as atheists.

01:10:41.100 Really?

01:10:41.260 Yeah.

01:10:41.500 Like really.

01:10:42.420 We weren't raised with much,

01:10:43.980 but we didn't,

01:10:44.660 I just picked up things from around the neighborhood,

01:10:46.960 you know,

01:10:47.300 famphlets.

01:10:47.880 My family loathes religion.

01:10:49.380 Really?

01:10:49.980 Yeah.

01:10:50.500 Oh yeah.

01:10:50.980 Wow.

01:10:51.280 And like,

01:10:52.760 you know,

01:10:53.140 like if you believe in God,

01:10:54.100 you're probably dumber and you probably like, 0.89

01:10:56.580 those are the things I kind of grew up with.

01:10:57.940 Like I,

01:10:58.620 my parents would watch,

01:10:59.940 catch me watching seventh heaven and they'd be like,

01:11:02.200 what's going on here?

01:11:03.060 Like go memorize some fucking Marilyn Manson lyrics or something.

01:11:06.060 You know,

01:11:06.240 like go,

01:11:06.780 they,

01:11:07.320 they would be like disappointed.

01:11:08.600 I would go to Christian young life camp because it was just to flirt with boys and my friends.

01:11:12.540 And I like singing songs.

01:11:13.820 I like singing sweet Caroline,

01:11:15.260 bah,

01:11:15.660 bah,

01:11:16.020 bah.

01:11:16.400 Like those moments.

01:11:18.380 And they were just like,

01:11:20.380 you know,

01:11:21.000 it's Christian.

01:11:21.720 Do you feel.

01:11:22.280 And so now I feel really weird being like telling my parents,

01:11:24.280 I believe my,

01:11:24.800 I was living with my parents over the summer and I was so depressed that I was started praying

01:11:28.900 because I just had no hope left.

01:11:30.660 I was,

01:11:31.340 when you mentioned ketamine,

01:11:32.200 I was like,

01:11:32.620 tell me about it because I was so depressed that I called Neil Brennan being like,

01:11:36.620 Oh yeah.

01:11:36.980 I called Gary Goldman actually being like,

01:11:38.880 I was about to call Neil,

01:11:40.240 but it didn't get that desperate.

01:11:41.380 But I called Gary Goldman being like,

01:11:43.080 I'm going to check myself in somewhere cause I'm fucking want to kill myself.

01:11:46.860 Like I'm not going to,

01:11:47.680 but it's bad.

01:11:48.820 My brain is turned against me.

01:11:49.980 And because my parents,

01:11:51.700 I'm living with my parents.

01:11:52.300 They're like,

01:11:52.500 you hosted Kimmel last week.

01:11:53.920 You have all these tour dates.

01:11:55.380 Everyone's like,

01:11:56.000 you have,

01:11:56.440 you're doing nothing.

01:11:57.200 There's nothing that spurred this.

01:11:58.860 And it's like,

01:11:59.660 I don't know what's going on here,

01:12:00.980 but I got caught praying one day because I was trying to talk to a higher power,

01:12:05.580 trying to just like act as if there is.

01:12:08.080 Oh yeah.

01:12:08.380 Like,

01:12:08.620 okay,

01:12:08.780 I'll just pray next to my bed.

01:12:10.300 Like I am like a little Mormon,

01:12:13.180 like girl.

01:12:14.120 Like,

01:12:14.420 I don't know how to pray.

01:12:15.300 So I get on my bed.

01:12:15.880 Doesn't it feel like something I feel like when I put some,

01:12:19.700 like if I talk inside of myself subconsciously to a higher power and I'm not saying your higher power is to be any specific religion.

01:12:27.500 I'm not saying anything like that.

01:12:28.480 It can literally be,

01:12:28.780 yeah.

01:12:29.000 But if you do that,

01:12:30.140 I feel like something hears me.

01:12:32.740 Yeah,

01:12:33.220 it does.

01:12:33.760 And I feel like it's that.

01:12:35.180 I don't think that's a crazy thing.

01:12:36.740 I haven't always felt like that in my whole life,

01:12:38.840 you know,

01:12:39.280 I,

01:12:39.540 but I feel like it does.

01:12:41.900 And then it's nice because then life every day isn't just my responsibility.

01:12:46.080 It's not just up to you.

01:12:47.200 That's what I love about it too,

01:12:48.160 because you as someone that's emancipated for,

01:12:51.440 since you were 14.

01:12:52.060 My whole life,

01:12:52.380 everything's been up to me.

01:12:53.160 It's always been you.

01:12:54.500 And now you learn as soon as you finally accept it,

01:12:57.020 which as someone who didn't believe in God and like to accept that there's someone looking out for me and that always is with me,

01:13:02.800 even when I'm like having a relapse or like always,

01:13:07.240 you know,

01:13:07.580 I,

01:13:07.920 I kind of,

01:13:08.780 um,

01:13:09.560 my,

01:13:10.220 my like biggest problem is like I quit drinking,

01:13:12.900 but my biggest problem is like eating disorder stuff.

01:13:14.840 And it's like,

01:13:15.160 even when I start to do those behaviors that I know lead to bed or I'm smoking too much pot,

01:13:19.300 I'm just like,

01:13:20.380 if I sit and acknowledge like whoever's looking out for me,

01:13:22.660 this is the way it's supposed to be.

01:13:24.100 And just like,

01:13:25.040 then I,

01:13:25.640 the behavior doesn't,

01:13:27.300 it doesn't affect you so much.

01:13:28.960 It doesn't.

01:13:29.320 Oh,

01:13:29.580 I see what you're saying.

01:13:30.180 I'm just like,

01:13:30.800 okay,

01:13:31.060 someone's here with me.

01:13:31.760 Like I got nervous the other day,

01:13:32.860 but it's hard to remember to do that.

01:13:34.240 That's the thing of just being like,

01:13:36.020 Hey,

01:13:36.660 sometimes I talk to dead friends and I feel like that helps me of like,

01:13:40.320 Hey,

01:13:40.520 can you not help me?

01:13:41.760 Like,

01:13:42.120 Hey,

01:13:42.400 will you please get me this special with HBO?

01:13:44.620 Please get,

01:13:45.200 have them give me a special.

01:13:46.020 I don't ask for things,

01:13:46.660 but I go,

01:13:47.400 will you help me be okay?

01:13:49.560 No matter what happens with this HBO special.

01:13:52.100 And that's what I asked for.

01:13:53.300 And that just whether or not it is true,

01:13:55.920 it just fucking, 0.93

01:13:56.620 it helps.

01:13:57.840 Yeah.

01:13:58.380 But it just feels like in this,

01:14:00.360 it feels like some to have some connection to some other.

01:14:03.760 So a higher source just feels like,

01:14:06.720 I don't know.

01:14:07.440 It used to seem like it was part of life so much more.

01:14:09.620 Even if you go back to native Americans, 1.00

01:14:10.880 like their spirit animal or the spirit,

01:14:12.880 you know,

01:14:13.100 like the fact that they would like pray to the sun and the moon and like to the

01:14:17.040 water and like how it all works.

01:14:19.460 And then here we are out here just like,

01:14:21.980 you know,

01:14:22.640 it's like these things we've created,

01:14:25.020 uh,

01:14:25.720 you know,

01:14:25.980 all this technology and all this stuff,

01:14:27.360 like it has so much more power,

01:14:28.740 you know,

01:14:29.040 it takes all our attention.

01:14:29.900 Like you're saying,

01:14:30.840 but it's not very rewarding though.

01:14:32.620 I don't think it gives us much of a reward.

01:14:34.520 Sometimes I'm on Instagram and I'm scrolling and I just go,

01:14:36.660 you know what?

01:14:37.020 And I'll acknowledge it.

01:14:38.020 I'll go,

01:14:38.960 you've been scrolling a while and you're not feeling good about this.

01:14:41.100 I just go either make a decision.

01:14:43.220 Do you want to keep doing this?

01:14:44.120 And if you do just do it,

01:14:45.740 you know,

01:14:46.060 don't have this right,

01:14:46.880 right.

01:14:47.020 Yeah.

01:14:47.180 Don't also do the thing where you feel bad about yourself.

01:14:48.880 Yeah.

01:14:48.980 Just do it,

01:14:49.500 but acknowledge that you're doing it.

01:14:50.540 And I know we got to wrap things up,

01:14:53.640 but,

01:14:53.840 um,

01:14:54.220 fuck,

01:14:54.620 what was the thing that you were saying about how long have we been going?

01:14:56.820 Praying so long.

01:14:57.920 Our 20.

01:14:58.780 Have we really?

01:15:00.000 It flies by JC fam.

01:15:03.680 Yeah.

01:15:03.980 Just order some lunch too,

01:15:05.620 actually.

01:15:06.140 Um,

01:15:06.500 it's just,

01:15:07.680 I want to know what you think about,

01:15:08.840 sorry,

01:15:09.260 go on.

01:15:09.780 Yeah.

01:15:10.040 But anyway,

01:15:10.640 I,

01:15:10.960 I got really depressed,

01:15:11.620 but the thing that saved,

01:15:12.560 I got like diagnosed with ADHD and you have ADHD as a,

01:15:16.540 as an adult woman.

01:15:18.180 And I never was diagnosed with it,

01:15:19.500 but I went and got like,

01:15:21.160 you know,

01:15:21.600 you're on the meds now.

01:15:22.480 Yes.

01:15:23.160 And that is,

01:15:24.440 I just,

01:15:25.480 it's,

01:15:25.840 it's scary to like be dependent on something,

01:15:27.780 but I'm also on antidepressant meds.

01:15:29.240 I just don't want to have thoughts of killing myself.

01:15:31.360 I'm tired of it.

01:15:32.060 I'm not,

01:15:32.520 it's,

01:15:32.680 it's like,

01:15:33.040 what is that?

01:15:34.200 I wouldn't even like sit and think like,

01:15:36.000 how am I going to kill myself?

01:15:37.000 I'd just be like sitting here with you.

01:15:38.040 And then I would just like think of,

01:15:39.740 and I was just like,

01:15:40.720 ah,

01:15:41.620 and how many Native Americans killed themselves?

01:15:44.080 You know,

01:15:44.300 they,

01:15:44.840 I wonder,

01:15:45.740 I don't think many did,

01:15:47.120 you know,

01:15:47.320 bow an arrow like this.

01:15:48.400 I know.

01:15:50.240 That'd be the worst.

01:15:51.940 I think they might,

01:15:53.000 they might've sacrificed themselves,

01:15:55.060 but I think that's a total different mental and spiritual animal than just like,

01:15:59.980 and you're doing it because your dad made you because you have to sacrifice a virgin on the first full moon or something.

01:16:04.600 You know what I mean?

01:16:05.120 Like,

01:16:05.220 yeah,

01:16:05.800 I think it was just different.

01:16:06.980 You really want to do.

01:16:07.460 but suicide though is like,

01:16:09.480 yeah,

01:16:09.800 I think it's why you see a lot of people trying to get back into things that are just more like,

01:16:15.220 you know,

01:16:15.660 I think it's one of the nice things about actually having,

01:16:18.380 uh,

01:16:18.660 getting a place that's not in Los Angeles.

01:16:20.100 I just feel there's a little bit more nature around me.

01:16:22.140 It's like,

01:16:22.400 I can go run a few times a week around this Lake Radnor and it's like,

01:16:26.340 it's just a couple miles,

01:16:27.480 but it's just nice.

01:16:28.100 Do you worry about saying where you're going running?

01:16:29.060 You know,

01:16:29.580 huh?

01:16:29.840 Do you care if like the gang gang shows up on your run?

01:16:33.720 Oh,

01:16:34.120 no,

01:16:34.600 I don't.

01:16:35.180 That's cool.

01:16:35.680 I see people out there a lot.

01:16:36.760 I see people when I'm running by.

01:16:38.620 It's mostly a lot of,

01:16:39.540 uh,

01:16:40.140 Arabs like to go walk by the Arabs use a lot of parks.

01:16:43.260 They'll use a lot of parks.

01:16:44.260 If you notice that middle Eastern people love to use parks.

01:16:47.200 They're smart parks,

01:16:48.180 like getting out in nature.

01:16:49.020 It really does.

01:16:50.100 It makes a huge difference.

01:16:51.240 It's a big thing.

01:16:52.180 I,

01:16:52.480 yeah,

01:16:52.780 I was just in like the Cayman islands and I was on an island for two and a half months,

01:16:57.480 dude.

01:16:57.640 And there's no COVID down there.

01:16:58.800 I just stayed.

01:17:00.300 And then the show ended and I stayed two more weeks.

01:17:02.320 Cause I'm like,

01:17:02.760 I'm not coming back until the States need me for something.

01:17:05.420 It was awesome.

01:17:06.240 You're working on a show.

01:17:07.220 Yeah.

01:17:07.600 What kind of show is it?

01:17:08.620 Um,

01:17:09.040 it's a,

01:17:09.660 I can't say,

01:17:10.380 but it's,

01:17:10.720 I'm,

01:17:10.880 I'm host.

01:17:11.420 I don't,

01:17:11.640 when is this coming out?

01:17:12.540 Tomorrow.

01:17:13.060 Okay.

01:17:13.520 Uh,

01:17:13.700 yeah,

01:17:13.820 I'm hosting a show that I can't,

01:17:15.220 it's going to be out this summer,

01:17:16.100 but it's like,

01:17:16.660 Oh fun.

01:17:17.140 It was my,

01:17:17.660 it was the best thing I've ever done.

01:17:19.280 It was?

01:17:19.940 Yeah.

01:17:20.540 It was amazing.

01:17:21.720 After like,

01:17:22.940 I accepted a gig that I truly accepted on based on hearing the name of it and being like,

01:17:28.360 yeah,

01:17:28.700 this is what I want to do.

01:17:29.500 Like I,

01:17:30.040 I'm loving my life right now.

01:17:31.520 And I feel like you are too.

01:17:33.140 Like I feel like we're just doing things that make us happy.

01:17:35.180 You were killing yourself a second ago.

01:17:36.720 No,

01:17:36.880 no,

01:17:36.940 no,

01:17:37.000 that was last summer.

01:17:37.880 Oh,

01:17:38.280 my bad.

01:17:38.460 This was,

01:17:38.860 no,

01:17:39.120 I,

01:17:39.400 I got over my depression probably in the fall cause I went and got treated for it.

01:17:43.320 And I like on a dime started treating my ADHD and I have not had one suicidal ideation

01:17:49.740 since then.

01:17:50.300 Wow.

01:17:50.800 But over the summer I was in a really dark place and it could come back because I've

01:17:54.460 had those throughout my life.

01:17:55.860 Do you feel,

01:17:56.460 see one of my goals,

01:17:57.100 I would like to get off of antidepressants.

01:17:58.720 That's one of my goals,

01:17:59.360 which is one of the main reasons why I tried the ketamine therapy because it's had a lot

01:18:02.560 of success with getting people off their antidepressants.

01:18:04.640 So I also want to do mushrooms and LSD to treat.

01:18:08.120 Yeah.

01:18:08.400 People are trying a lot of stuff.

01:18:10.000 I am.

01:18:10.640 I'm going to do it.

01:18:11.100 I also want to go to Burning Man.

01:18:12.720 Do you like Sam Harris?

01:18:14.560 Huh?

01:18:14.900 Do you like Sam Harris?

01:18:15.740 I got his app,

01:18:16.680 uh,

01:18:16.980 wake up.

01:18:17.900 Yeah.

01:18:18.280 Yeah.

01:18:18.440 Sam Harris is the reason I'm a better person now than I was the summer.

01:18:24.920 He and many others.

01:18:26.000 There's a lot of good stuff out there.

01:18:27.440 There's no free will.

01:18:28.040 There's a lot of junk out there too.

01:18:29.700 You know,

01:18:30.000 that's a tough thing.

01:18:31.620 Oh yes.

01:18:32.660 And he might be like,

01:18:33.920 no,

01:18:34.120 I don't say he is.

01:18:34.920 I'm just saying,

01:18:35.340 but there's a lot of junk.

01:18:36.140 Like I know that I fall for shit.

01:18:38.100 All the time.

01:18:39.480 Oh yeah.

01:18:39.880 You know,

01:18:40.420 I didn't fall for that Gwyneth Paltrow thing that everyone was passing around.

01:18:44.640 With the vagandals or whatever.

01:18:45.680 No,

01:18:45.980 she said there was some headline the other day that was like,

01:18:48.620 through the pandemic has been really tough.

01:18:50.560 One night I even had to eat bread and everyone's going,

01:18:53.120 Oh my God,

01:18:53.740 I lost my grandfather,

01:18:55.060 but it was fake.

01:18:55.980 She didn't say that.

01:18:57.660 I'm not shocked.

01:18:59.320 Yeah.

01:18:59.620 The see that,

01:19:00.180 that's the thing.

01:19:00.600 She maybe said a comment,

01:19:01.680 but they're like,

01:19:02.160 it's not real.

01:19:03.420 Well,

01:19:03.640 all nothing in the news.

01:19:04.800 None of this is real.

01:19:05.740 But I,

01:19:06.040 but Sam Harris is someone that has like,

01:19:08.080 his app is so helpful for if you're going through depression or just existential crisis.

01:19:13.500 But,

01:19:14.100 and the fact that there's no free will has really helped me too.

01:19:17.660 Well,

01:19:18.260 I think,

01:19:18.820 what do you mean there's no free will?

01:19:21.080 You mean look into it.

01:19:24.520 If you read Sam Harris's book,

01:19:26.600 free will,

01:19:27.500 the concept that you have any control over anything you do.

01:19:31.040 You want to talk about,

01:19:31.820 I,

01:19:32.020 you're not in control of your own life.

01:19:33.780 You're really not because it's too much of a concept.

01:19:37.560 This might,

01:19:38.220 if by any,

01:19:38.840 by the way,

01:19:39.660 this freaks anyone out right now,

01:19:41.080 the idea that you're not in control of your life,

01:19:44.160 because the fact is you're not,

01:19:45.920 that scares you.

01:19:46.860 You should probably not trigger warning because some people,

01:19:48.820 people with like psych psychiatric does like illnesses can't handle this.

01:19:52.780 But basically a free will doesn't,

01:19:56.360 the idea that you are controlling anything you do,

01:19:58.360 the idea that I'm like,

01:19:59.300 Oh,

01:19:59.400 I'm going to pet that rat.

01:20:00.160 And I did it.

01:20:01.800 Okay.

01:20:02.200 Yes.

01:20:02.640 I had the thought though of I'm going to pet that rat.

01:20:04.920 Did I choose that thought?

01:20:06.500 Did I go,

01:20:07.280 I could do anything right now and I'm going to go choose.

01:20:09.340 No,

01:20:09.520 it just popped in my head.

01:20:10.500 So anything that you can argue as a choice is a thought that popped in your head

01:20:13.860 that you did not,

01:20:14.640 that you pulled out of nowhere.

01:20:15.800 You didn't choose who your parents were.

01:20:16.980 You didn't choose that your heart's beating much like those other things.

01:20:21.260 You don't choose what you think.

01:20:22.780 And everything you do is based on what you think.

01:20:25.100 So if you're not choosing what you think there's,

01:20:27.140 it's either completely random or it's a determinism,

01:20:30.760 which is like,

01:20:31.220 it's already laid out.

01:20:32.280 Does that make sense?

01:20:33.500 I mean,

01:20:33.940 it slightly makes some sense.

01:20:35.040 I mean,

01:20:35.260 I think it sounds,

01:20:36.500 it just sounds like more that it sounds like a bigger thing that we'd have to

01:20:39.320 unpack.

01:20:39.900 You know,

01:20:40.240 it sounds like a bigger,

01:20:40.960 that's the basics.

01:20:41.600 And if anyone's interested,

01:20:42.700 just I'm serious.

01:20:43.700 Look into,

01:20:44.600 cause it really helped me.

01:20:45.900 Right.

01:20:46.520 This concept.

01:20:47.160 And I didn't know it was a thing.

01:20:48.060 It's a,

01:20:48.420 it's a short book called free will by Sam Harris.

01:20:50.260 I could see it taking a lot of pressure off of people because then it's like

01:20:53.160 your,

01:20:53.720 the decisions and the choices you make are not as,

01:20:56.420 they're not going to hamper yourself as much either.

01:21:01.980 nothing's your fault.

01:21:02.900 Like when they open up,

01:21:03.880 this is a great example he gives in the book.

01:21:05.580 When they open up a guy that shoots up a fucking mall or something and they,

01:21:11.940 they're,

01:21:12.200 how could he do this?

01:21:13.440 A strip mall.

01:21:13.940 He shoots up a strip mall.

01:21:15.040 They open up his brain,

01:21:15.780 they do an autopsy and they find,

01:21:17.060 Oh my God,

01:21:17.520 there is a giant tumor on his amygdala.

01:21:20.040 I'm just making that up.

01:21:20.620 I don't know if that,

01:21:21.600 it completely explains why this otherwise normal man had this complete shift.

01:21:25.620 And,

01:21:26.480 and shot up the mall.

01:21:28.120 Actually,

01:21:28.600 he would probably get a different charge because of that.

01:21:31.560 Right?

01:21:31.780 Because it wasn't his fault.

01:21:32.520 It was his brain.

01:21:33.060 It was a tumor,

01:21:33.700 right?

01:21:34.100 It's a,

01:21:34.460 it's not premeditated,

01:21:36.160 right?

01:21:36.340 Even if he planned it,

01:21:37.120 it wasn't his fault as tumor.

01:21:38.080 We have some sympathy for that guy in a way that we don't have for a Jeffrey Dahmer,

01:21:42.220 right?

01:21:42.460 Or a Ted Bundy who,

01:21:45.200 whether or not they open their brain and found something,

01:21:46.980 we just go,

01:21:47.820 that guy plans these things.

01:21:49.400 He's a crazy person.

01:21:50.360 When really Ted Bundy didn't want to be born with the,

01:21:53.720 he didn't choose the brain that made him a serial killer.

01:21:55.620 And you go,

01:21:56.920 well,

01:21:57.140 if I were Ted Bundy,

01:21:57.800 I wouldn't have done that.

01:21:58.960 Yes,

01:21:59.200 you would have.

01:21:59.900 Right.

01:22:00.080 Because everyone does exactly what they're going to do.

01:22:02.960 And there's no,

01:22:04.200 it gives you immense empathy.

01:22:06.400 And I'm not saying I forgive child molesters or murderers or someone who could like hurt my family.

01:22:12.180 I would be furious because that's just human nature.

01:22:15.400 But I understand that when I think of child molesters,

01:22:18.900 I kind of,

01:22:19.720 I'm so angry at what they do and disgusted by it.

01:22:22.240 But there's a part of me that's like,

01:22:23.700 no one would choose to be born with a brain.

01:22:26.220 Oh yeah.

01:22:26.720 Oh,

01:22:26.840 I think some of that.

01:22:27.380 So there's a lot of sympathy.

01:22:28.660 They need to like get help and do what they need to get help.

01:22:31.040 But there's a lot of that.

01:22:31.980 I go,

01:22:32.360 they didn't choose that.

01:22:33.680 And people have a hard time.

01:22:35.200 That's a really weird concept.

01:22:36.900 But if you break it down,

01:22:38.280 everything is something that's weird in your brain.

01:22:40.180 So whether it's a tumor or just your brain's weird and we can't really see what's weird,

01:22:43.900 it's still not your fault.

01:22:44.980 It's your brain.

01:22:45.920 Well,

01:22:46.300 I think some of that will be interesting as we learn,

01:22:48.040 you know,

01:22:48.220 just as we evolve more and learn more and we start to see like,

01:22:51.860 you know,

01:22:53.520 empathy is such a big thing,

01:22:54.860 you know,

01:22:55.280 and just how much.

01:22:56.840 Are you good with it?

01:22:57.800 I think I'm pretty good with it,

01:22:59.000 honestly,

01:22:59.280 a lot of times because I've always felt that way,

01:23:01.000 the way you're talking about,

01:23:02.020 like even my friends that have gotten in trouble for sex stuff,

01:23:04.300 like our friends that have gotten in trouble,

01:23:05.480 like I usually always think like,

01:23:07.080 well,

01:23:07.160 what happened to them?

01:23:08.060 You know,

01:23:08.340 like how did it start?

01:23:09.540 Like,

01:23:09.800 yeah,

01:23:10.120 that's great.

01:23:11.300 But I mean,

01:23:12.180 it still doesn't take away also though.

01:23:14.580 Also though,

01:23:15.220 you live in an environment and a society and society is shaped where people

01:23:19.080 have to have punishments sometimes and,

01:23:21.140 and,

01:23:21.540 and,

01:23:21.980 and things that happen.

01:23:23.440 And sometimes some people need to go back into the broth,

01:23:25.960 man.

01:23:26.240 I get it.

01:23:26.840 And I understand that we want to punish people and say like,

01:23:30.040 you,

01:23:30.620 I,

01:23:31.420 you hurt my friend.

01:23:32.480 I'm going to hurt you.

01:23:33.280 I for an eye.

01:23:33.880 But really the reason we put these people away is because they harm society.

01:23:37.520 And it's not,

01:23:38.320 it's not an example to people to not do that,

01:23:41.560 but it's,

01:23:42.200 it's,

01:23:42.820 it's not so much retribution.

01:23:44.300 Cause we should just be like,

01:23:45.400 wow,

01:23:45.520 that sucks that he's a serial killer and his brain is like that. 0.74

01:23:48.000 And we put them away,

01:23:49.180 but we put them away as an example of not what to do to not,

01:23:51.940 to not do what they do for people.

01:23:53.740 And we want them out there.

01:23:55.260 I got,

01:23:55.620 and we want to protect people.

01:23:56.740 Yeah.

01:23:57.160 Huh?

01:23:58.140 No,

01:23:58.420 I'm going to,

01:23:58.660 I'm going to eat lunch here.

01:23:59.760 Okay.

01:24:00.120 Just real fast.

01:24:01.140 But,

01:24:01.480 uh,

01:24:01.960 or not,

01:24:02.360 but I'm just going to have some lunch,

01:24:03.520 but,

01:24:03.700 um,

01:24:03.760 I love that.

01:24:04.460 Yeah.

01:24:04.880 I'll go to do it live.

01:24:05.680 You don't like them,

01:24:09.020 but you can't eat them,

01:24:09.740 huh?

01:24:10.440 I,

01:24:10.640 it's not that I can,

01:24:11.300 I won't.

01:24:11.940 Okay.

01:24:12.420 Oh,

01:24:12.640 these are for me too.

01:24:14.060 Oh yeah.

01:24:14.980 No,

01:24:15.540 thank you.

01:24:16.740 I,

01:24:16.980 I'm not trying to be,

01:24:18.240 people hate vegans,

01:24:19.320 but,

01:24:19.740 um,

01:24:19.980 yeah,

01:24:21.340 no way.

01:24:22.220 Yeah.

01:24:22.680 I,

01:24:22.980 so can you give,

01:24:23.800 if you,

01:24:24.240 if you do a BJ,

01:24:25.300 can you do a finisher?

01:24:27.480 Yeah.

01:24:27.840 It's not harming an animal.

01:24:30.300 I mean,

01:24:30.880 that's,

01:24:31.200 you're doing it.

01:24:31.580 Now that is to be,

01:24:32.800 listen,

01:24:33.220 a couple of my early ones,

01:24:34.060 my first one might've harmed a fellow human,

01:24:37.060 uh,

01:24:37.940 cause I didn't know what to do with my teeth,

01:24:39.260 but,

01:24:39.540 um,

01:24:40.160 no,

01:24:40.600 calm is like,

01:24:41.760 that's fine.

01:24:43.040 You can see most people call it seed.

01:24:45.100 Most people call calm seed or semen.

01:24:48.180 I don't go give me your,

01:24:49.480 I want your seed,

01:24:51.000 but I,

01:24:51.760 I feel like calm is the,

01:24:53.140 is the one.

01:24:54.140 Really?

01:24:54.780 Yeah.

01:24:54.960 I call it calm.

01:24:55.920 When you're in bed with a girl and you say,

01:24:57.400 I'm going to,

01:24:58.000 can you take my,

01:24:58.980 can you ingest my seed?

01:25:00.020 What do you say to her?

01:25:00.660 I'm going to seed.

01:25:01.860 I'm going to plant.

01:25:03.580 Yeah.

01:25:03.980 I'm going to harvest.

01:25:06.200 Maybe.

01:25:07.140 Um,

01:25:07.620 sorry.

01:25:07.860 Yeah,

01:25:07.980 I say calm.

01:25:08.600 No,

01:25:08.760 I'll keep it going.

01:25:10.120 So,

01:25:11.260 uh,

01:25:12.020 yeah,

01:25:12.220 I don't eat,

01:25:12.760 I don't eat animals because I love animals.

01:25:15.520 Now,

01:25:15.920 what if you met an animal and he's violent,

01:25:19.180 he's killing other animals,

01:25:20.260 stuff like that.

01:25:20.640 I can kill him,

01:25:21.820 but he's a Jeffrey Dahmer of animals.

01:25:23.580 Still,

01:25:24.080 we have to kill him because he's killing other animals.

01:25:26.000 He's his sacrifice will be less than how much harm he

01:25:28.920 could put in the world.

01:25:29.580 See,

01:25:29.740 that's one of the things overall.

01:25:30.760 Sometimes you have to do things just for the greater good of

01:25:32.460 everything.

01:25:32.960 that's what,

01:25:33.360 um,

01:25:33.640 putting people in jail is for is,

01:25:35.520 but like,

01:25:36.200 would you believe in the death penalty then?

01:25:37.960 No.

01:25:38.820 I mean,

01:25:39.220 by,

01:25:39.500 by these,

01:25:40.180 by this logic,

01:25:40.980 no,

01:25:41.200 because,

01:25:41.800 but I,

01:25:43.040 I believe in it because if I got that life sentence,

01:25:45.340 I would,

01:25:45.840 I would really want to be put to death.

01:25:48.320 Oh,

01:25:48.560 please.

01:25:49.500 I believe in it.

01:25:50.240 Just like,

01:25:50.600 as I'm,

01:25:51.320 I'm advocating for the prisoners to like have that option.

01:25:54.480 Like just,

01:25:55.200 I don't even care if the machine,

01:25:56.600 your chair's not working.

01:25:57.540 Let's just do a,

01:25:58.200 a,

01:25:58.880 a shoot me.

01:26:00.800 Like I would rather,

01:26:01.840 I like when the world ends and the wave comes,

01:26:03.680 I just want to have a,

01:26:04.380 I want to have a gun just so I can like kill myself before some

01:26:07.280 natural disaster.

01:26:08.520 I believe a better way to go.

01:26:09.860 Then hopefully I think if some prisoners will wise up and they

01:26:13.340 will get the option to have the death penalty.

01:26:15.800 Yeah.

01:26:16.220 And some of them would choose.

01:26:18.060 People are so scared of death.

01:26:19.140 It would be better to go back into the amoeba or the,

01:26:23.440 the sphere,

01:26:24.380 the,

01:26:24.820 the,

01:26:24.920 and have a new shot at a retro,

01:26:27.520 at a retribution of existence.

01:26:29.580 I agree.

01:26:30.200 Then it wouldn't be here and piddle around.

01:26:31.540 And keep like writing letters to the girl you murdered.

01:26:33.940 And watch old movies.

01:26:34.840 Yeah.

01:26:35.380 And just be a,

01:26:36.040 some,

01:26:36.660 because then you're just part of some,

01:26:38.160 um,

01:26:38.700 get a boyfriend.

01:26:39.720 Documentary that some creep is going to make because they want to

01:26:42.500 make money off the fact that you murdered someone.

01:26:43.320 Oh,

01:26:43.380 I watched those YouTube videos of like them interviewing sociopaths.

01:26:46.460 I love sociopaths and psychopaths.

01:26:48.620 I just,

01:26:49.480 what's a murder you could do and be honest with me.

01:26:51.840 Okay.

01:26:52.240 Um,

01:26:52.600 Bill Cosby.

01:26:53.740 You could do rape. 1.00

01:26:55.560 I could,

01:26:56.120 um,

01:26:56.420 probably strangle him.

01:26:57.680 Oh,

01:26:57.940 you could kill him.

01:26:58.720 You mean?

01:26:59.300 Yeah.

01:26:59.720 Oh,

01:26:59.920 what's a murder you could commit?

01:27:01.480 Oh,

01:27:02.520 like what's a good,

01:27:03.240 but I would love to just see his eyes pop out even more as I

01:27:07.600 slowly choke the life out of him for being probably a murderer and 0.95

01:27:11.680 the most prolific serial rapist that any of us have ever known.

01:27:15.400 Um,

01:27:16.200 a murder I could do a gun.

01:27:19.080 You know,

01:27:19.380 like if there was a burglar or something,

01:27:20.700 like I could stab someone.

01:27:21.880 I could,

01:27:22.640 um,

01:27:23.580 I could do anything in self defense.

01:27:24.900 I wouldn't like,

01:27:25.520 my dad always says if a guy,

01:27:26.740 you're in a car with a guy and you,

01:27:29.760 uh,

01:27:30.480 he's taking you in an undisclosed location,

01:27:32.320 you're going to get murdered. 0.93

01:27:33.680 Right.

01:27:33.860 If a guy grabs you and shoves you in a car and you're screaming,

01:27:36.640 don't,

01:27:37.200 don't try to like hang out for the car ride,

01:27:39.300 wherever you're going,

01:27:39.960 you're going to get murdered. 0.93

01:27:40.740 You got to jump out.

01:27:41.500 So just try to wreck the car,

01:27:43.000 even if you're on a highway.

01:27:43.980 But the best thing to do,

01:27:44.860 if you can,

01:27:45.440 is like gouge their eyes.

01:27:46.460 And that would be hard for me to do just to feel,

01:27:48.180 but actually it would feel great to someone like that.

01:27:49.960 It's about to rape and murder.

01:27:50.940 You just go like dig as far as you can.

01:27:53.540 And then the car will flip,

01:27:55.280 but you have a better chance of surviving that.

01:27:56.920 Then he's not going to take you to go do a podcast,

01:28:00.240 you know,

01:28:00.420 like you're,

01:28:01.080 you're gonna,

01:28:02.660 it's going to be bad.

01:28:03.440 See,

01:28:03.600 that's one thing I think that's tough for a lot of women is you have that, 1.00

01:28:06.380 that chance out there of getting sexually assaulted.

01:28:09.120 You have the chance to get,

01:28:10.060 like if somebody picks me up,

01:28:11.760 they just are going to want to either spend time with me or give me a ride.

01:28:15.280 That's what I was saying about the run,

01:28:16.380 but hold on,

01:28:16.960 Theo,

01:28:17.360 this brings us to one of the,

01:28:19.580 one of the moments I'll never forget about you that I had on the street in front of the improv on Melrose.

01:28:25.200 Do you remember you were coming back from your car?

01:28:27.920 I was leaving the Melrose improv.

01:28:29.800 It was probably like 2017.

01:28:32.460 And I was on a jog.

01:28:34.300 No,

01:28:34.740 you were,

01:28:35.140 you were coming back.

01:28:36.400 You went to like,

01:28:37.020 you were maybe coming.

01:28:38.380 Wait,

01:28:38.580 hold on.

01:28:39.000 I was walking that way.

01:28:39.800 You were,

01:28:40.020 yeah,

01:28:40.140 you were coming back to the improv from your car,

01:28:43.380 maybe going to get something,

01:28:44.160 or maybe you were coming for the first time.

01:28:45.440 I go,

01:28:45.760 hi,

01:28:45.980 Theo.

01:28:46.500 And I see you.

01:28:47.200 I pass you on the sidewalk.

01:28:48.100 We're kind of further down.

01:28:49.540 I remember this.

01:28:50.600 West from Melrose.

01:28:51.440 You'll remember it.

01:28:52.180 Cause you go,

01:28:53.280 I go,

01:28:53.740 Hey,

01:28:54.260 and it's kind of in like a couple blocks more where the comics park,

01:28:57.700 it's see,

01:28:58.260 it's scary.

01:28:58.920 It's coming.

01:28:59.540 It's CD,

01:29:00.140 you know?

01:29:00.800 And so I do remember that.

01:29:02.320 And I was walking.

01:29:03.060 It was in a part that's a little scary.

01:29:05.020 And I go,

01:29:06.360 Hey,

01:29:06.600 and then you bet you pass and you go,

01:29:08.080 don't get raped. 0.69

01:29:08.820 And I go,

01:29:10.120 yeah,

01:29:11.360 thanks.

01:29:12.340 I was just like,

01:29:13.060 fuck you. 0.97

01:29:13.680 Because I was annoyed because it's like,

01:29:14.900 if you think,

01:29:16.460 if that is sincere of like,

01:29:18.020 Hey,

01:29:18.140 be careful.

01:29:18.820 Yeah.

01:29:19.020 Just walk me to my car.

01:29:20.080 You know where I'm going.

01:29:20.980 Yeah.

01:29:21.320 And then also like,

01:29:23.680 it's up to me whether or not I get raped is the other kind of,

01:29:26.000 it's a funny thing to say because it's like,

01:29:27.420 that's a big reach.

01:29:28.680 No,

01:29:28.780 I'm saying,

01:29:29.140 but,

01:29:29.340 but the,

01:29:29.960 just being like,

01:29:30.600 don't get,

01:29:31.020 it's just saying something flippant about a thing that I actually fear every time I leave there.

01:29:34.780 Right.

01:29:35.140 But you didn't know that.

01:29:35.980 And so it was me going like,

01:29:37.740 I go,

01:29:38.140 thanks.

01:29:38.520 And I'm in my car just like,

01:29:39.540 Oh God,

01:29:40.080 that was not a fun.

01:29:41.100 And I didn't care.

01:29:42.180 I really did get to a place of like,

01:29:44.000 he doesn't know.

01:29:44.780 He doesn't know the experience of being a woman and like,

01:29:46.860 didn't think about it.

01:29:47.380 It was just,

01:29:48.080 we were like,

01:29:48.560 you were like,

01:29:49.040 we were awkward almost.

01:29:50.240 You were just like,

01:29:50.580 hi.

01:29:50.880 And just like said something.

01:29:51.960 We all do that.

01:29:52.620 So I forgive you.

01:29:53.320 But then you texted me right after it and we're like,

01:29:55.540 Hey,

01:29:55.780 I'm really sorry.

01:29:56.520 That felt so weird.

01:29:57.640 And that wasn't cool to say.

01:29:58.700 And I should have walked you.

01:29:59.420 You like said all the nice things in a text,

01:30:01.500 like right after.

01:30:02.520 And that always meant a lot to me.

01:30:04.280 But,

01:30:04.740 and I could tell that you were like,

01:30:06.940 but yeah,

01:30:07.240 just walk in my car next time.

01:30:08.500 Yeah.

01:30:08.820 Do you walk girls to cars? 0.95

01:30:10.380 Yeah.

01:30:10.700 I'll walk girls to cars. 1.00

01:30:11.740 I'll make sure they get in the vehicles,

01:30:13.600 get girls Ubers, 1.00

01:30:15.560 you know?

01:30:16.340 Yeah.

01:30:16.680 I think I do all that kind of stuff.

01:30:18.380 I don't know why I said it.

01:30:19.320 Maybe I thought that it was just a good,

01:30:21.400 maybe this,

01:30:21.940 the environment was right for the joke.

01:30:23.620 I don't know.

01:30:23.820 It is because also I'm a comic and that's a funny joke.

01:30:26.880 Well,

01:30:27.040 that's a tough thing too.

01:30:27.800 When you're talking with comics,

01:30:28.620 it's like,

01:30:29.640 and it's like,

01:30:30.120 that's the thing that sucks about the world.

01:30:31.800 It sucks that you couldn't make a race joke a few minutes ago without everybody thinking

01:30:34.760 you're a fucking racist. 0.93

01:30:35.940 Yeah.

01:30:36.040 Like you just have to,

01:30:37.200 and you kind of can,

01:30:38.160 it's like,

01:30:38.640 you don't have to be,

01:30:39.740 but I might catch someone in a vulnerable state.

01:30:41.940 Like you caught me in a vulnerable state where I was already thinking about being raped and

01:30:45.000 I might say a race joke and it catches someone who's watching, 0.96

01:30:47.780 who is black and was discriminating against today all day today.

01:30:50.640 They didn't get something cause they are black. 0.99

01:30:52.800 It's just,

01:30:53.500 they know it.

01:30:54.260 And then they hear me say a racial joke and it just makes them go like,

01:30:57.620 God,

01:30:58.020 another fucking thing. 0.93

01:31:00.080 Like,

01:31:00.640 right.

01:31:00.920 It can catch someone in the wrong time.

01:31:02.460 I agree.

01:31:02.840 But then we've gotten to this space in the world where it's like,

01:31:05.000 I don't want to tiptoe around that,

01:31:05.480 but I also,

01:31:06.100 I want a career.

01:31:06.900 Right.

01:31:07.560 And I want to be able to say things because we have to do things that's for the common good.

01:31:11.360 Like it's gotten to this point where it's like,

01:31:13.680 you're never going to make everybody on Twitter happy.

01:31:16.040 Everybody has a voice.

01:31:16.960 Now it's impossible to make everyone happy.

01:31:18.720 And so you have to be able to take some risks in every,

01:31:23.000 in every facet of life.

01:31:24.080 You know,

01:31:25.240 because don't you know that like,

01:31:26.940 you have to do things with the common good.

01:31:28.220 It's like 99.5% of people would just laugh at the joke.

01:31:33.060 Yes.

01:31:33.900 And then there's that.

01:31:34.820 And there's that one person that's had a tough day.

01:31:36.380 Yes.

01:31:36.600 They've had a tough day,

01:31:37.360 but we're also starting to raise people to think that just cause they've had.

01:31:41.320 And speaking of that,

01:31:42.160 had a bad day.

01:31:43.020 Raising canes that I'm having.

01:31:44.020 But do you like this or no?

01:31:45.680 No,

01:31:45.920 I don't mind.

01:31:46.460 You can't have it.

01:31:46.960 I can't,

01:31:47.420 I can't have any of it.

01:31:48.640 And I don't really,

01:31:49.200 I love birds.

01:31:50.700 And so eating chickens to me seems crazy.

01:31:52.960 But if a man eats it,

01:31:54.000 was that you deter you from being around that man?

01:31:55.840 I really like a guy to maybe wrap his head around like understanding.

01:31:59.740 Cause I don't not eat chicken cause it's not good.

01:32:01.620 That's fucking delicious.

01:32:02.620 Everything you're eating is something that I enjoyed for years of my life.

01:32:05.520 And I'm,

01:32:06.140 I do miss,

01:32:06.960 but I don't do things that sometimes that I want to do because it's right.

01:32:12.000 Like I don't murder people that I want to murder.

01:32:13.940 I don't hit my friend.

01:32:16.000 I don't hit my mom sometimes when I want to hit her because it's not good for the greater,

01:32:20.320 for the world.

01:32:21.260 And eating chickens and supporting.

01:32:22.880 I don't know.

01:32:23.180 But you have to be able to eat something at a certain point.

01:32:25.460 What's next?

01:32:25.980 And you can't have plant.

01:32:27.160 Like you're not going to get a salad.

01:32:28.480 This thing is so stupid.

01:32:30.220 The what's next.

01:32:30.900 I understand it.

01:32:31.440 But like when people go plants have feelings.

01:32:34.660 Okay.

01:32:34.860 When,

01:32:35.240 when that's proven,

01:32:35.960 when plants are like,

01:32:37.480 I can see the humanity in a plant's eyes and I can see,

01:32:40.440 I can see a pig and I see my dog at a pig.

01:32:42.980 It's not a hard thing to do.

01:32:44.560 Right.

01:32:44.720 I understand people can separate fish and squids,

01:32:47.540 even though my octopus teacher should ruin that for everyone.

01:32:50.320 They can kind of go,

01:32:51.280 okay,

01:32:51.380 those things are like insects. 1.00

01:32:52.920 They're lobsters.

01:32:53.740 They're like roaches.

01:32:55.080 But when you eat a pig and a chicken,

01:32:57.100 if you've ever had,

01:32:58.020 I had a parakeet as a child.

01:32:59.640 As a child,

01:33:00.040 they were the best.

01:33:00.660 That are beautiful.

01:33:01.360 They were the best pets I've ever had.

01:33:03.360 I loved that bird more than I've loved dogs.

01:33:05.620 And I love dogs,

01:33:06.420 but I had more of a connection.

01:33:07.480 That bird had more of a personality.

01:33:08.780 It was smarter than my dogs.

01:33:10.680 I'm more in kiwi.

01:33:11.740 And then one day I was like,

01:33:13.640 chickens are fucking kiwi. 1.00

01:33:15.380 Like kiwi, 1.00

01:33:15.880 that parakeet and chickens,

01:33:17.040 chickens might be even smarter than me. 1.00

01:33:18.400 I don't know.

01:33:19.080 Yeah,

01:33:19.300 but it doesn't matter if something's dumb though,

01:33:20.800 because something's dumb doesn't mean it means it should be killed.

01:33:23.380 We don't do that to humans.

01:33:24.740 But mother nature kills us sometimes. 0.91

01:33:26.620 Sure.

01:33:27.040 And uses us to go back into the earth.

01:33:29.140 Go hunt all you want.

01:33:30.420 Just don't make animals suffer up until you kill them.

01:33:32.440 I don't care.

01:33:33.000 Oh,

01:33:33.160 I agree with that.

01:33:34.100 When an animal dies,

01:33:34.180 I'm like,

01:33:34.520 fuck yeah,

01:33:35.140 but it's not the killing.

01:33:36.280 Put them out of their goddamn misery,

01:33:37.500 much like the jail thing.

01:33:39.060 The death penalty is great in a cow's life, 1.00

01:33:41.060 because the cow's existence up until the death penalty is what I'm bothered by.

01:33:44.920 Right.

01:33:45.420 And you can't guarantee that these animals are treated well.

01:33:47.740 So many are up until they're slaughtered,

01:33:49.280 but because you can't guarantee,

01:33:51.280 I just,

01:33:51.860 you know,

01:33:52.040 sometimes I look at eggs and I go,

01:33:53.640 I'll buy the most expensive ones,

01:33:54.820 because those are probably the ones that are treated right.

01:33:56.200 But it's just a picture of a woman like holding a chicken.

01:33:58.660 And you're like,

01:33:59.400 oh,

01:33:59.560 that woman picked these eggs. 1.00

01:34:00.940 Okay.

01:34:01.240 I'm going to,

01:34:01.560 it's like,

01:34:01.840 no,

01:34:01.980 that's the label.

01:34:02.840 Right.

01:34:03.060 I don't know.

01:34:03.800 Unless my sister had chickens and I definitely ate those chickens. 1.00

01:34:08.020 And look,

01:34:08.420 the thing about it is,

01:34:09.480 man,

01:34:09.820 I think if you,

01:34:10.860 I wish we knew,

01:34:11.980 here's what I wish.

01:34:12.780 I wish we could get inside the brain of a chicken and know if they mind or not.

01:34:16.300 They definitely mind.

01:34:18.220 They definitely,

01:34:19.500 any,

01:34:20.040 of course they mind.

01:34:20.840 I'm not saying they don't.

01:34:21.380 I'm just saying I wish we had,

01:34:23.420 and I think down the line we will have that ability.

01:34:25.980 Yeah.

01:34:26.180 And we're all going to look so stupid.

01:34:28.240 And I'm not saying that I'm perfect and that everyone needs to go vegan,

01:34:31.140 but to,

01:34:32.140 my mom won't watch the octopus teacher. 1.00

01:34:33.620 This thing that humanizes octopuses and like not humanizes,

01:34:37.060 but like makes them like,

01:34:38.720 you realize like they have emotions and this person,

01:34:41.000 like it really fucks you up. 0.91

01:34:42.800 Apparently if you watch this and my mom loves calamari so much that she won't

01:34:45.740 watch it.

01:34:46.140 And she goes,

01:34:46.480 I feel like if I watch that,

01:34:47.740 I won't eat it anymore.

01:34:48.640 And I'm like,

01:34:49.420 then why?

01:34:50.260 So you're living ignorantly so that you can protect yourself because you like

01:34:53.740 fucking fried octopus.

01:34:55.120 But then it's always going to be like that.

01:34:56.680 But then it's just going to become whoever has owns the media is just going to be able

01:35:00.200 to influence.

01:35:00.680 And then they create the products that they want us to buy then,

01:35:03.340 you know?

01:35:03.660 Okay.

01:35:03.840 But like at least those products,

01:35:05.680 hopefully vegans are not doing anything wrong except wanting animals to be happy.

01:35:10.140 I have nothing wrong with vegans.

01:35:11.920 Yeah.

01:35:12.180 And that's,

01:35:12.640 but people do have a lot.

01:35:13.720 I mean,

01:35:13.960 people are skipping this part.

01:35:15.000 Oh really?

01:35:15.400 People hate vegans.

01:35:16.540 I used to hate vegans.

01:35:17.480 I used to have like a bit about it in my act and I dated a vegan and I would call,

01:35:21.120 I don't care if somebody's a vegan,

01:35:22.840 but don't make me have to be a vegan.

01:35:24.300 If you're a vegan.

01:35:25.160 No,

01:35:25.320 I'm not making you.

01:35:25.940 I'm just kind of trying to say the same things that when I wasn't a vegan kind of

01:35:29.920 made me see the other side and actually embrace it and really love it.

01:35:33.000 And I'm just sharing with you my experience of realizing that animals want to live just

01:35:38.740 like we do.

01:35:39.360 And pigs are terrified from the second they're born cows and pigs.

01:35:42.920 Most of them,

01:35:43.560 I know not all get plucked from the mom.

01:35:46.200 They're scared.

01:35:46.900 The whole time they're shaking.

01:35:48.740 Then they're forced.

01:35:49.300 They never have a single moment of no,

01:35:52.860 it's not because Charlotte's web is that's a good experience.

01:35:55.620 At least that pig knew some like, 0.99

01:35:57.340 like warmth.

01:35:58.480 These animals never know warmth,

01:36:00.460 a pet,

01:36:01.360 never any,

01:36:02.140 not one minute of it from the time they're plucked from their mom until they're put

01:36:05.880 loaded on trucks.

01:36:06.980 They're,

01:36:07.480 they're stuck in pens.

01:36:09.020 They're just,

01:36:09.720 they're just made to get fat that there's no one that's caring about their needs.

01:36:12.540 So this animal that is capable of deep,

01:36:15.420 deep feelings like your dog never sees in its however long it lives life.

01:36:20.200 It never sees a shroud of,

01:36:21.500 of kindness to it.

01:36:22.440 And then it's slaughtered.

01:36:23.540 How can you,

01:36:24.540 how can you do that?

01:36:25.820 Well,

01:36:26.140 shit,

01:36:26.320 how can you eat those?

01:36:27.740 I'm not doing it.

01:36:28.820 I,

01:36:29.000 I,

01:36:29.240 I'm not doing that.

01:36:30.160 I'm having some raisin canes.

01:36:31.300 I'm enjoying it.

01:36:32.100 I mean,

01:36:32.680 you can take this out because eat what you want.

01:36:34.580 I really,

01:36:35.040 I don't care.

01:36:35.760 I'm just saying what I learned that that's why I can't even eat meat anymore.

01:36:38.920 And I fucking hate it because I miss fucking feta cheese.

01:36:41.340 I miss frozen.

01:36:42.140 So it's part of it that you just miss those things and you want to have them.

01:36:45.100 And so you're angry at other people.

01:36:46.480 I mean,

01:36:47.000 that's the classic hack fucking. 0.84

01:36:49.380 I'm asking you.

01:36:50.200 They're angry because they're weak because of protein.

01:36:53.480 I didn't say that I'm angry because I just don't understand why.

01:36:56.260 People who love dogs and I know like,

01:36:58.280 do you know,

01:36:58.640 dedicate their lives to saving dogs can eat pigs.

01:37:02.880 I just don't get it.

01:37:03.880 Can eat pigs that they know have never seen.

01:37:06.440 If you,

01:37:07.100 if one minute of what that pig that you're eating is life or that chicken that

01:37:10.720 you're eating is life happened to your,

01:37:12.700 like,

01:37:12.860 I don't know if you have a,

01:37:13.640 you don't have a dog.

01:37:14.320 You've never had,

01:37:14.720 I don't have a dog.

01:37:15.300 I've considered getting a dog.

01:37:16.560 I'm thinking about maybe getting a Welsh terrier or something.

01:37:18.940 Can you bring that up next?

01:37:19.860 Yeah.

01:37:20.080 So if,

01:37:20.540 if,

01:37:20.820 if for people listening at home,

01:37:22.440 if a minute of the pain that a chicken that you're eating,

01:37:26.260 or a pig that you're eating is life.

01:37:28.040 And I know it's not your fault.

01:37:28.840 You didn't put them in that situation.

01:37:30.060 You're just trying to eat food.

01:37:31.100 I get it.

01:37:31.600 Look at that.

01:37:32.160 But if you're,

01:37:32.840 if you're a little Welsh terrier that you get someday that you're going to

01:37:35.040 love more than you ever even thought possible loving a dog,

01:37:37.740 because that's what happens.

01:37:38.560 If you had,

01:37:40.480 if someone inflicted that kind of life for 30 seconds onto a dog that a chicken

01:37:44.280 and a pig experienced their entire life for 30 seconds,

01:37:46.980 you would want to fucking murder.

01:37:49.060 You would,

01:37:49.540 you would have that person charged with cruelty.

01:37:52.340 Yeah.

01:37:52.600 They kept them in a box for that dog that it wasn't able to run.

01:37:57.060 It's legs were scabbed up.

01:37:59.380 It had sores in its eyes.

01:38:00.660 Like the things that happened to these animals,

01:38:02.180 if we had a little bit of it for our precious pets,

01:38:05.120 we would never tolerate it yet when we see when we can't see the footage and

01:38:08.740 we don't want to see it.

01:38:09.660 So I just,

01:38:10.700 I didn't do it.

01:38:11.780 And it's that kind of thing.

01:38:12.960 And by the way,

01:38:13.640 I definitely contribute to horrific injustices to human rights.

01:38:18.620 It will never end.

01:38:19.640 I mean,

01:38:19.980 at a certain point,

01:38:20.780 we can't just chose one.

01:38:21.940 And that's my one.

01:38:22.920 Cool.

01:38:23.200 Yeah.

01:38:23.760 Yeah.

01:38:24.120 I think,

01:38:24.620 um,

01:38:25.920 but yeah,

01:38:26.280 I still buy from Amazon.

01:38:27.120 So I just want to be clear.

01:38:28.460 Yeah.

01:38:28.920 I mean,

01:38:29.160 I'm still part of the problem.

01:38:31.200 I mean,

01:38:31.760 it's crazy.

01:38:32.140 Cause like there's also countries where they eat dogs.

01:38:35.120 And they eat like things that are major pets.

01:38:37.360 I kind of like that.

01:38:37.920 They do.

01:38:38.260 I like that.

01:38:38.640 They go,

01:38:39.060 you know what?

01:38:39.900 We cow. 1.00

01:38:40.500 We're going to fucking eat dog.

01:38:41.400 I wish we would start eating dog because it would make people wake up to the

01:38:44.280 fact that why isn't this?

01:38:45.580 Okay.

01:38:45.680 I would have some dog.

01:38:47.040 You should,

01:38:47.620 you know what?

01:38:48.300 I,

01:38:48.680 I honestly,

01:38:49.260 I don't want that to happen,

01:38:50.300 but I do think that people need to wake the fuck up and realize that when you,

01:38:54.060 when we go to China to like say,

01:38:56.600 don't have this Yulin meat dog meat festival,

01:38:58.600 how could they eat dogs?

01:38:59.940 But I think there used to be how you would never fucking ever eat a hamburger.

01:39:03.980 Nikki,

01:39:04.040 I think there used to be times where there was like a connection between animals and

01:39:08.380 humans and nature.

01:39:10.120 And so if they took something's life because they needed to survive,

01:39:14.160 then that's what they did.

01:39:15.360 And the cow lived in a natural environment or if it was formed,

01:39:18.900 it was treated nice and had a good life.

01:39:20.380 I've always said we should hunt.

01:39:22.140 I more value it when someone hunts with a knife against an animal.

01:39:26.480 I like when people go,

01:39:27.700 what about when Rogan hunts his elk?

01:39:29.900 I'm like,

01:39:30.300 do it.

01:39:31.140 Those elk lived a good life.

01:39:32.720 They just like caught a fucking stray bullet.

01:39:35.400 Like you had things happen,

01:39:36.420 but at least they fucking fucked a lot and ate a lot and jumped over creeks and like 0.93

01:39:40.480 had some adventures in their life that animals are supposed to camp.

01:39:43.880 So maybe you want more,

01:39:45.360 you want animals to have an adventure.

01:39:48.060 Outward bound experience.

01:39:49.400 We should take these animals and give them a week in the wild.

01:39:53.620 Yeah.

01:39:54.060 No,

01:39:54.260 I love that.

01:39:54.700 You want YMCA camp for these animals while they grow up.

01:39:58.260 And that's what a lot of like one more thing.

01:40:02.240 There's a thing called in the vegan community that I would never do called

01:40:04.840 bearing witness.

01:40:05.840 And PETA does it a lot where they meet up with these slaughter trucks as

01:40:09.280 they're coming in.

01:40:10.060 The pigs are coming to slaughterhouse.

01:40:11.920 They're packed into these things and you can just see their snouts through

01:40:14.460 these little cages and they're dying of thirst.

01:40:17.540 They're just,

01:40:18.360 they're basically dead because if they were dead,

01:40:20.480 who cares?

01:40:20.960 So when pigs are,

01:40:22.280 when you,

01:40:23.020 if I finished the soda and I was just talking to you,

01:40:24.860 I would just start crinkling the can cause I know it's trash.

01:40:26.860 It's going in the trash.

01:40:27.420 I'm not saving this.

01:40:28.240 I'm not trying to make this.

01:40:29.140 Right,

01:40:29.260 right.

01:40:29.440 You're not going to,

01:40:30.120 yeah,

01:40:30.320 you're not going to give them the best last meal.

01:40:32.300 It's not like a prison system.

01:40:33.740 It's a pig. 0.74

01:40:35.200 So it's,

01:40:36.240 that's headed to slaughter. 0.99

01:40:36.900 I'm going to,

01:40:37.660 you just treat it like shit. 0.75

01:40:38.640 So these pigs are in the worst conditions headed to slaughter.

01:40:41.520 And these people go and just,

01:40:43.680 it's called bearing witness because just to see,

01:40:46.320 just to honor a pig's life and go like, 0.61

01:40:48.020 I see you and I knew you were an animal that deserved more.

01:40:50.800 And I'm really sorry.

01:40:51.640 And just to be there and like,

01:40:52.960 they hold,

01:40:53.300 they hold a vigil because it's sad and they,

01:40:55.300 they feed water to these thirsty pigs through the thing. 0.99

01:40:58.280 And that to me is like,

01:41:00.400 I could never do that.

01:41:01.280 I can't even look at footage.

01:41:02.580 I just read stuff and know because it,

01:41:05.060 but that's the kind of thing that I hear.

01:41:07.540 And I just go,

01:41:08.440 that's pretty much an outward bound experience of like,

01:41:10.340 I'm going to show you a pet,

01:41:11.340 the one gentleness you'll get your whole life.

01:41:12.740 Cause you've been kicked and prodded and living in shit and eating bad

01:41:16.780 stuff that doesn't even taste good.

01:41:18.040 That's just going to make you fat.

01:41:19.020 I mean,

01:41:19.260 it's just so sad.

01:41:20.780 I mean,

01:41:21.340 I think some of it is not people's fault though.

01:41:24.040 Some of it is just the way that society has evolved.

01:41:27.720 And also if you have to,

01:41:28.860 if you have to feed a family,

01:41:30.240 like there was no,

01:41:32.660 there's no opportunities for a lot of people to go do all types of certain

01:41:36.120 things.

01:41:36.540 Like that's why I'm saying you don't have to go all vegan.

01:41:38.420 Just one.

01:41:38.860 If you can do one meal where you eat,

01:41:40.880 sometimes you don't have a choice like that as a parent that's trying to take

01:41:43.960 care of their kids.

01:41:44.600 I get it,

01:41:45.180 but there are plant-based options at Burger King now.

01:41:47.800 Like there's ways around it that tastes good.

01:41:49.460 I'm serious.

01:41:50.080 I'm I,

01:41:50.380 I know that vegan stuff is expensive and I can say that it's elitist of me to

01:41:54.260 be able to like,

01:41:55.000 just go switch to plant-based,

01:41:56.480 get meals delivered to your doorstep.

01:41:58.380 But there's really affordable options now.

01:42:00.760 And that's really old rhetoric of being like,

01:42:02.900 it's too expensive.

01:42:03.780 There's,

01:42:04.160 there's ways that you can.

01:42:05.240 But I'm just saying some people's lifestyles,

01:42:07.260 it's not an option in their lifestyle.

01:42:08.980 I'm not telling if that resonated with anyone.

01:42:10.920 But if you want to do it,

01:42:11.760 then you can do it.

01:42:12.540 I'm I,

01:42:13.380 all I do is I have to spread the message because it's shit like this that got

01:42:16.320 me to adopt it.

01:42:17.440 And so I know I might sound like a Jehovah's witness right now. 0.90

01:42:19.620 And I'm like,

01:42:19.900 I have to spread the Lord's message.

01:42:21.460 That's what I feel in my heart for animals is my job.

01:42:24.020 And like I said,

01:42:25.120 I am letting severe injustices of human injustices happen.

01:42:28.840 And I don't speak up for it because I,

01:42:30.640 this is just my cause I pick and I'm drawn to it.

01:42:33.120 And I,

01:42:33.740 it works.

01:42:34.480 I've made a lot of people go vegan.

01:42:36.020 And the only reason I went vegan is because vegans wouldn't shut the fuck up.

01:42:39.880 And so I know it works.

01:42:41.180 They were annoying as shit.

01:42:42.440 Yeah.

01:42:42.740 And they finally got to me.

01:42:44.040 Yeah.

01:42:44.200 So I have to be annoying as shit.

01:42:45.440 There's no other way to do it.

01:42:47.520 Well,

01:42:48.080 some of those things got to be said.

01:42:50.640 You have a new tour that's coming,

01:42:52.500 right?

01:42:52.820 Yeah,

01:42:53.120 man.

01:42:53.240 One night only.

01:42:54.260 No.

01:42:54.660 Yeah.

01:42:54.820 One night with Nikki Glaser.

01:42:55.740 One night with Nikki Glaser.

01:42:57.740 It's like,

01:42:59.140 cause it's all about sex.

01:43:00.580 No,

01:43:00.780 it's,

01:43:01.100 it's going to be amazing.

01:43:03.580 I'm so excited because dude,

01:43:05.500 my theater tour last time got stopped in the middle.

01:43:07.980 You were doing theaters for a while,

01:43:09.060 right?

01:43:09.800 Yeah.

01:43:10.180 I had just finished my tour when COVID started.

01:43:12.260 Your first one.

01:43:13.060 Yeah.

01:43:13.440 Like your first theater tour.

01:43:14.440 Yeah.

01:43:14.760 Clubs.

01:43:15.280 What was it?

01:43:15.760 Was it great?

01:43:16.680 Yeah,

01:43:16.920 it was cool.

01:43:17.420 It was hard.

01:43:18.020 I had been already doing clubs like a,

01:43:19.900 like in a row for like a year and a half.

01:43:21.420 I was just exhausted by the end.

01:43:22.940 I was exhausted.

01:43:24.380 That was what I felt on mine last year.

01:43:26.800 It was just doing clubs up until the first theater tour date.

01:43:29.640 And then all of a sudden it's a theater and people are paying more money.

01:43:31.520 And the pressure's on and I did cool stuff.

01:43:34.020 Like I finished with a dance,

01:43:35.220 Andrew,

01:43:35.920 uh,

01:43:36.200 Colin,

01:43:36.600 my cohost on Nikki laser podcast and,

01:43:38.560 uh,

01:43:38.740 my best friend and roommate.

01:43:39.620 And then my other best friend,

01:43:40.880 Anya Marina,

01:43:41.480 like she opened with music.

01:43:42.980 Like I had a band open and I brought my friends on the road.

01:43:45.380 It was so fun.

01:43:45.980 And then COVID happened and it all shut down.

01:43:47.540 Right.

01:43:47.800 And then,

01:43:48.520 so you're firing it back up and I,

01:43:50.540 in COVID,

01:43:51.240 I've learned how to play guitar.

01:43:52.380 I might like,

01:43:53.180 I'm going to sing a song with my friend Anya.

01:43:54.820 And like,

01:43:55.420 I might do like private concerts before my shows,

01:43:58.520 like a cafe is in town where I just do Taylor Swift,

01:44:00.680 like sing alongs.

01:44:01.820 And I'm not even joking you.

01:44:02.820 Like it's,

01:44:03.400 I'm bad at guitar,

01:44:04.100 but I like singing Taylor Swift with other Swifties fans.

01:44:07.400 So I might start doing that,

01:44:08.780 but like the,

01:44:09.660 the show itself and my dad and I sang over the summer.

01:44:12.320 Oh yeah.

01:44:12.920 I remember seeing that version of Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's,

01:44:16.100 um,

01:44:16.880 uh,

01:44:17.420 that,

01:44:17.880 you know,

01:44:18.240 shallow,

01:44:18.840 but we rewrote it about me living at home with my parents.

01:44:21.300 And it was really fucking funny.

01:44:22.740 It was all about,

01:44:23.520 you know,

01:44:23.920 I've got to leave,

01:44:24.720 I've got to go.

01:44:25.420 And like hearing my parents fuck through the wall,

01:44:27.300 but it was like,

01:44:28.180 and it sounds like a dumb,

01:44:29.800 it was really good.

01:44:30.440 And I went to,

01:44:31.160 I went to voice lessons and like learned how to sing like Gaga.

01:44:33.980 And it was fucking singing is fucking funny.

01:44:36.800 My dad's an amazing musician.

01:44:38.180 Are you a good singer or not?

01:44:39.780 I,

01:44:40.120 I can be,

01:44:40.740 but I quit singing lessons and I,

01:44:42.260 I smoke a lot of pot now,

01:44:43.360 but apparently my singing teacher's like,

01:44:44.920 you can do whatever.

01:44:45.600 I'll work with it.

01:44:46.240 Like rock and roll artists smoke.

01:44:48.420 So they smoke cigarettes all the time.

01:44:50.000 Like you smoke pot.

01:44:50.860 Oh yeah.

01:44:51.280 I think everybody has some people.

01:44:52.560 A thousand times a day.

01:44:53.140 A little vice that they take out with them.

01:44:54.480 Yeah.

01:44:54.720 And so I,

01:44:55.460 um,

01:44:55.980 I love singing and the,

01:44:57.660 but the standup show is not going to be singing.

01:44:59.180 It's going to be me like roasting,

01:45:00.740 like doing roast stuff,

01:45:01.700 talking about roast.

01:45:02.420 Cause people love that.

01:45:03.280 And they expect that from me now.

01:45:04.960 Is there any,

01:45:05.680 I'm like,

01:45:06.000 is it a mixed bag though?

01:45:07.720 There could be singing.

01:45:08.440 There could be special guests.

01:45:09.380 There could be whatever.

01:45:09.980 There's going to be like,

01:45:10.900 I'm going to,

01:45:11.460 I,

01:45:11.640 I really am excited about like the whole thing.

01:45:14.180 Like it's just,

01:45:14.860 it's,

01:45:15.120 it's never going to be boring.

01:45:16.040 You're never going to be watching something and going like,

01:45:17.480 Oh my God,

01:45:17.860 I don't want to watch Nikki's friend,

01:45:18.940 like play music.

01:45:19.460 It's going to be like,

01:45:20.460 this is fucking really fucking good.

01:45:22.840 Like my friend Anya Marina is like a legit,

01:45:24.460 I have friends that are talented that want to work and I can make them money this way.

01:45:29.020 It's so nice.

01:45:30.280 And then I get to bring my dad who's fucking 66.

01:45:32.820 He's been playing in bars and at nursing homes during COVID,

01:45:36.340 like outside their windows.

01:45:37.520 And what his name is,

01:45:38.160 Jim?

01:45:38.640 His name's EJ Glazer.

01:45:40.020 And he's a,

01:45:40.540 he's such a good musician.

01:45:41.780 He's always wanted me to sing and play guitar.

01:45:43.540 And when I moved back home over quarantine,

01:45:45.660 this thing that my dad always wanted me to do.

01:45:47.600 And I was like,

01:45:48.000 I'm not good at it.

01:45:48.660 I'm not as good as you dad.

01:45:49.700 And I like,

01:45:50.180 like Billy Elliot.

01:45:51.300 Yeah.

01:45:51.760 Like what does the J stand for?

01:45:53.140 Ernest James?

01:45:54.480 Edward John.

01:45:55.740 Edward John.

01:45:56.420 Yeah.

01:45:57.340 Yeah.

01:45:57.940 He's very cool.

01:45:58.760 And anyway,

01:45:59.140 so we,

01:45:59.760 so I'm going to sing with him and then I might,

01:46:01.960 and then I'm going to have special guests.

01:46:03.020 Like I just,

01:46:03.740 I'm going to fly my friends out.

01:46:04.900 That's my new life.

01:46:05.500 It's just like,

01:46:06.200 dude,

01:46:06.760 I love it.

01:46:07.040 I love the fact you're able to kind of like get into St.

01:46:09.180 Louis.

01:46:09.500 Yeah.

01:46:09.640 And I know you have the MTV.

01:46:11.020 I was just saying that because I'm hosting them this week.

01:46:13.200 I'm like out here and instead of getting a hotel and just being like,

01:46:16.300 I usually come out and do my stuff and then hang with my LA friends.

01:46:18.860 I was like,

01:46:19.840 in case my LA friends are busy or like whatever,

01:46:21.980 I'm just going to bring my friends with me.

01:46:23.620 And so I got a house in the Hills on Airbnb.

01:46:26.180 And like,

01:46:26.620 I brought all my friends at like who I brought here today.

01:46:29.800 It's like,

01:46:30.340 so these things that I used to go like,

01:46:32.020 I'm hosting this award show.

01:46:33.880 And it's like,

01:46:34.280 it's me and my spray tan.

01:46:36.300 And like,

01:46:36.780 I'm alone.

01:46:37.760 And like,

01:46:38.100 I don't even know what thing I'm going to say.

01:46:40.300 And I'm like freaking out.

01:46:41.020 It's like,

01:46:41.460 I constantly have friends around that are like,

01:46:43.960 you're fine.

01:46:44.400 Like let's play guitar for a second.

01:46:45.760 Oh my God.

01:46:46.160 Let's like talk about this funny thing.

01:46:48.040 I saw like,

01:46:48.520 it's just,

01:46:49.540 it's so great to be in this position and to like,

01:46:52.920 be able to just like today,

01:46:54.780 just doing work that like you like.

01:46:57.340 And getting comfortable.

01:46:58.240 I think getting to a place in your life where you're comfortable to exist as you choose.

01:47:02.520 That's one thing I think I hear a lot from you,

01:47:04.220 even just in this conversation is just getting to a place in your life where you feel comfortable existing.

01:47:10.560 Like I usually,

01:47:11.920 like before we started,

01:47:12.880 I was like,

01:47:13.280 I want to check the shot to make sure.

01:47:14.660 Like,

01:47:14.920 should I wear the shirt?

01:47:15.860 Am I looking like,

01:47:16.380 I'm like trying to be sexy.

01:47:17.900 Cause I'm always scared that someone's going to go,

01:47:19.700 she's trying to look hot. 1.00

01:47:21.060 When really like,

01:47:21.760 of course I am.

01:47:22.340 I'm fucking single.

01:47:23.140 This is like a platform to like get people's attention.

01:47:25.220 Why wouldn't I look hot?

01:47:26.240 Like it's like married.

01:47:27.540 And even when I'm married.

01:47:28.880 So,

01:47:29.080 but the thing is,

01:47:30.040 I,

01:47:30.640 um,

01:47:31.320 if I don't,

01:47:31.860 if I see this later and I go,

01:47:33.240 cause there's a lot of times I see stuff of me and any girl and lots of guys watching would relate where you just go like,

01:47:39.800 I am disgust.

01:47:41.260 Like I have really low self esteem when it comes to my looks.

01:47:43.240 Like,

01:47:43.380 it started really early and it's just there.

01:47:46.460 But now or this past year,

01:47:47.600 I'm just like,

01:47:48.420 I don't know what happened,

01:47:49.240 dude.

01:47:49.740 I like,

01:47:50.200 I just don't care.

01:47:51.420 I like when I see myself looking really fucking ugly and like dry skin and I look like old. 0.70

01:47:56.080 Like I'm like,

01:47:56.620 I look like sometimes I see my face and I'm like,

01:47:58.940 bitch, 1.00

01:47:59.280 you're old. 0.68

01:48:00.000 And I am.

01:48:00.560 I'm 36.

01:48:01.040 Like sometimes I'm like,

01:48:01.780 you're,

01:48:02.260 you look like 42.

01:48:03.640 That's okay.

01:48:04.480 I just had a fucking dry day.

01:48:06.420 Yeah.

01:48:06.720 I need to moisturize more.

01:48:07.760 Like,

01:48:08.340 and I am going to,

01:48:09.480 who cares?

01:48:10.500 And the,

01:48:11.000 and the way that I like,

01:48:12.500 I feel like anyone who likes me is still going to like me.

01:48:15.420 If I look like shit,

01:48:16.380 the people I love when they start looking like shit,

01:48:19.360 I I'm on board.

01:48:20.760 It's okay.

01:48:21.340 You didn't let me down.

01:48:22.520 Oh yeah.

01:48:23.400 You're allowed to look like shit someday if you want to,

01:48:25.500 even though you won't.

01:48:26.400 Yeah.

01:48:27.020 But I love her so much.

01:48:28.060 I would,

01:48:28.460 I don't care.

01:48:29.420 And so now I like myself.

01:48:30.740 And now when I look like gross,

01:48:32.140 I just go like,

01:48:33.320 Oh boy,

01:48:34.500 you look at a little,

01:48:35.840 yeah.

01:48:36.120 A little husky today.

01:48:37.600 And those pants were a mistake. 0.73

01:48:39.160 It's like,

01:48:39.580 look crispy today.

01:48:40.960 I laugh at like,

01:48:42.060 I used to be really embarrassed at how messy I was like my car.

01:48:44.820 I don't want to people,

01:48:45.560 I have to like clean my car if a boy is going to get in. 1.00

01:48:47.840 Now I'm just like,

01:48:48.680 if this guy is someone I'm going to marry,

01:48:50.600 look at,

01:48:51.340 look at my trash.

01:48:52.240 This is not a,

01:48:53.000 I'm not a bad person.

01:48:54.100 Here, hold this Snapple bottle.

01:48:54.800 Because I have LaCroix cans in the passenger seat.

01:48:57.560 Maybe that's not respectful.

01:48:58.180 That's so funny.

01:48:58.460 Yeah.

01:48:58.520 I could relate to a lot of that.

01:48:59.360 I just don't care anymore.

01:49:00.360 How the reflection of this,

01:49:01.420 your environment.

01:49:02.400 I don't want to present any way I'm not.

01:49:04.560 Because if you get to be authentic across the board and really are like,

01:49:07.420 I am who I am and that's okay.

01:49:09.540 Then you don't have to ever think.

01:49:11.220 I literally don't have to,

01:49:13.160 because the thing I realized is about comedy and you tap into it big time.

01:49:16.380 Because this is the thing I noticed about you is you just talk and it's funny.

01:49:19.420 Like I know you're aware of what you say is funny,

01:49:22.680 but you talk in a way that you almost act like you don't know.

01:49:25.340 But I also think that you can't,

01:49:27.360 you're in a position now that you know that your fans get you and you know that

01:49:31.580 you're funny,

01:49:32.340 that you can show up and you don't really have to prepare.

01:49:34.660 You can just start talking and it's going to be good enough.

01:49:37.520 Like maybe prepare a little bit,

01:49:38.740 but I could get on stage and talk about fucking anything and be entertaining at

01:49:41.740 this point because I've done it that long.

01:49:43.800 And within that is like this freedom to be,

01:49:47.820 people are at ease.

01:49:49.240 Audiences want to watch you comfortable.

01:49:50.600 If I'm comfortable and not worried about what you think,

01:49:52.920 they lap it up.

01:49:55.420 Because.

01:49:55.740 And we feel good then too.

01:49:56.940 I notice if I'm having fun,

01:49:58.280 man,

01:49:58.740 if I'm in a good place,

01:49:59.820 then yeah,

01:50:00.140 the show's usually in a great place.

01:50:01.320 And being honest,

01:50:01.840 if I'm not in a good place,

01:50:02.740 I'll just be like,

01:50:03.200 man,

01:50:03.440 I am fucking depressed today.

01:50:05.440 Or if I'm too,

01:50:06.540 sometimes I go on stage,

01:50:07.220 I'm too high.

01:50:07.680 My new thing is I'm just going to be like,

01:50:08.900 guys,

01:50:09.100 I'm really high because the audience just wants in.

01:50:11.400 They went in on what's going.

01:50:12.720 They sent something weird.

01:50:13.680 What is it?

01:50:14.400 Oh,

01:50:14.580 she's high.

01:50:15.420 Yeah.

01:50:15.700 The wheat.

01:50:16.140 I took one.

01:50:17.200 I thought I wanted one hit.

01:50:18.480 I took two.

01:50:19.080 I got greedy.

01:50:19.760 Now we're in a weird place.

01:50:21.020 Now I've broken this weirdness that I,

01:50:23.520 in my head go,

01:50:24.320 Nick,

01:50:24.480 you shouldn't have smoked weed before the set.

01:50:25.960 You're such a bad comedian.

01:50:27.060 Now what's your next joke?

01:50:28.060 What's the next joke?

01:50:28.880 You shouldn't have done that.

01:50:29.960 And now I just go,

01:50:30.840 I'm high everyone.

01:50:31.600 And now it's like,

01:50:32.620 okay,

01:50:33.100 no more secrets.

01:50:33.960 I'm like,

01:50:34.540 let's just be honest.

01:50:36.140 Yeah.

01:50:36.820 And I think that's what comedy is.

01:50:38.300 Just being honest.

01:50:38.900 Let's be honest.

01:50:39.860 And so as long as you just talk honestly,

01:50:41.820 it's going to be funny and good.

01:50:43.200 And people are going to like it.

01:50:44.460 Yeah.

01:50:44.740 I think that's a,

01:50:45.460 that's a,

01:50:46.220 I think that's one thing I'm trying to tap into a little bit more,

01:50:48.580 getting into some of this next tour.

01:50:51.100 One of the things I want to work on more in the coming months.

01:50:53.120 I can't wait to see your,

01:50:54.600 we never get to watch it anymore,

01:50:56.380 but it's like,

01:50:57.440 I really,

01:50:58.500 I really dig your stuff.

01:51:00.040 And it's,

01:51:00.880 I'm,

01:51:01.000 I'm a true fan.

01:51:02.300 And I,

01:51:02.580 it's,

01:51:02.920 I met you not knowing what you're doing.

01:51:04.540 Your comedy was like at all and had,

01:51:06.320 but I've told you this before,

01:51:07.980 but for the past many,

01:51:09.740 many years,

01:51:10.100 you've been one of my,

01:51:10.820 my faves and someone that I'm just like,

01:51:12.840 I always watch your shit.

01:51:14.740 Thank you.

01:51:15.140 You've always said,

01:51:15.740 you've always said some really nice stuff to me.

01:51:18.160 And I appreciate that.

01:51:18.860 Every time I see you,

01:51:19.420 I'm just like,

01:51:19.880 same here.

01:51:20.620 When I see you,

01:51:21.200 am I doing up there?

01:51:22.100 I need to like,

01:51:23.120 just start telling the truth or the weird,

01:51:26.620 or the wackiest way to say it.

01:51:27.880 Or just like saying,

01:51:29.520 when you say limousine of rats,

01:51:33.000 right?

01:51:33.580 Okay.

01:51:33.780 How did that occur to you?

01:51:35.160 I want to know how that joke popped in your brain,

01:51:36.900 because I'm not kidding you.

01:51:37.620 That was the funniest thing I've heard in a while.

01:51:39.040 I don't know.

01:51:39.900 I think just something long.

01:51:41.120 That's it.

01:51:41.400 And then we talking about an animal and you just pulled long and then right.

01:51:45.760 That ferret.

01:51:46.400 And so then I just thought of those things.

01:51:47.560 And that's so simple.

01:51:48.420 It's like the first thing that entered in your mind.

01:51:50.840 Like sometimes I overthink things,

01:51:52.340 but sometimes I just got to go.

01:51:54.240 It's a long rat.

01:51:55.080 What's long?

01:51:55.840 Boom.

01:51:56.600 Easy.

01:51:57.260 Limousine.

01:51:57.800 Limousine.

01:51:58.220 And it'll make them anymore.

01:51:59.160 So they're so messed up.

01:51:59.900 And look at that.

01:52:00.540 You got to love that.

01:52:02.220 Yeah, it's like a water slide of rats.

01:52:04.000 Yes, there you go.

01:52:05.220 It's a,

01:52:05.840 I mean,

01:52:06.100 this joke could go,

01:52:06.760 it's a,

01:52:07.680 you know,

01:52:08.140 one of,

01:52:08.540 it looks,

01:52:09.320 honestly,

01:52:09.640 it looks like one of the penises in the porn that I watch quite often.

01:52:12.200 Oh,

01:52:12.500 damn.

01:52:12.900 Okay.

01:52:13.180 I've been on.

01:52:13.900 I've watched some big stuff lately.

01:52:15.400 You do, huh?

01:52:16.520 My porn consumption is just another podcast.

01:52:19.460 Some of the stuff is pretty big out there.

01:52:20.420 Yeah.

01:52:20.840 I mean,

01:52:21.220 I feel really bad for guys out there based on porn.

01:52:24.140 I really do because to even,

01:52:26.120 you're right,

01:52:26.840 you do,

01:52:27.280 but our vaginas are different in comparison too. 1.00

01:52:29.480 So we're also feeling the same kind of insecurity.

01:52:31.560 And I just want to let guys out there with small dicks know,

01:52:33.760 like,

01:52:34.460 you're going to be fine.

01:52:35.020 Literally,

01:52:35.140 I don't,

01:52:35.640 you can just use a dildo to fuck me. 1.00

01:52:37.620 And then just like.

01:52:38.640 Yeah.

01:52:38.780 As long as you're cheering me on,

01:52:39.940 as long as you're there supporting,

01:52:41.240 as long as you're not on your phone the whole time.

01:52:42.680 The sex I've had is with a guy with a penis. 0.79

01:52:44.920 Yeah.

01:52:45.340 Using a dildo.

01:52:46.100 Amen.

01:52:46.620 All right.

01:52:47.120 So just saying that.

01:52:48.100 Look,

01:52:48.340 I think that covers everything.

01:52:49.900 One night with Nikki Glaser,

01:52:51.640 right?

01:52:52.280 Yes.

01:52:52.760 One night only?

01:52:53.000 And tickets on sale,

01:52:53.780 Nikki.

01:52:54.480 Well,

01:52:54.740 some places are two nights and so we'll like,

01:52:56.520 but it's a NikkiGlazer.com slash tour for tickets.

01:53:00.500 They're on sale now and they're pretty happy.

01:53:03.240 People are turning out,

01:53:04.140 but people really like my podcast.

01:53:05.620 Yeah.

01:53:06.080 Like I never promote podcasts because I'm always like,

01:53:08.340 what am I doing?

01:53:09.040 But I love the way you're doing it at home now.

01:53:11.040 You're in your home city.

01:53:12.280 The way you like find out about,

01:53:14.000 I can't help but like share gossip about my life.

01:53:16.160 You catch up on like stories going on.

01:53:17.680 It's very interactive with fans.

01:53:19.140 It's,

01:53:19.780 it's,

01:53:20.320 it was inspired by watching people like you and how you do it and just are yourself.

01:53:24.600 So if you like this show and you liked my appearance and you've made it to the end,

01:53:28.440 definitely subscribe to the Nikki Glaser podcast.

01:53:30.260 And then unsubscribe if you don't like it.

01:53:31.440 I don't care.

01:53:31.800 Yeah.

01:53:32.040 But just subscribe.

01:53:33.160 Yeah.

01:53:33.280 Give it a shot.

01:53:33.920 Just blindly go.

01:53:34.760 And you can jump in.

01:53:36.000 You don't have to listen to old episodes.

01:53:37.160 Just jump on in.

01:53:37.920 Yeah.

01:53:38.220 Anytime.

01:53:38.700 Yeah.

01:53:38.800 You don't have to start from the beginning.

01:53:39.820 No.

01:53:40.340 With Andrew Conlin and,

01:53:41.720 um.

01:53:41.800 Conlin.

01:53:42.340 Yep.

01:53:42.740 Nikki,

01:53:43.100 thank you so much for being here today.

01:53:44.560 Thank you,

01:53:44.720 Theo.

01:53:45.020 Always fun.

01:53:45.740 Yeah.

01:53:46.080 And thank you,

01:53:46.500 Raising Cane's,

01:53:46.860 for my launch.

01:53:47.960 And.

01:53:47.980 Yes.

01:53:48.360 Thank you.

01:53:48.720 Next time,

01:53:49.120 maybe they'll have a vegan option in the future.

01:53:50.600 I think they should.

01:53:51.380 If they did,

01:53:51.880 I would be so,

01:53:52.520 I would be so cool with them.

01:53:53.720 I don't know if they have that.

01:53:54.500 Yeah.

01:53:54.900 I don't know.

01:53:55.660 We got the,

01:53:56.100 actually the,

01:53:56.440 the guy who started Raising Cane's is from Louisiana.

01:53:59.340 He's coming on the podcast next week.

01:54:00.660 No,

01:54:00.880 I know that that's like everyone's favorite fried chicken.

01:54:04.280 And so,

01:54:05.160 uh,

01:54:05.600 yeah,

01:54:05.840 that's pretty cool that you're having that guy.

01:54:07.100 Good,

01:54:07.280 good on him.

01:54:08.100 It'd be interesting just to hear how it all happened.

01:54:10.780 You know?

01:54:11.140 I mean.

01:54:12.220 For some of us.

01:54:12.920 I'll probably skip it,

01:54:13.520 but.

01:54:13.620 Yeah.

01:54:14.460 I'm just kidding.

01:54:15.480 No.

01:54:15.640 It's really interesting.

01:54:16.440 I support people in the,

01:54:17.820 I get it.

01:54:18.380 That was the best ending ever.

01:54:19.820 Nikki Glaser,

01:54:20.740 ladies and gentlemen,

01:54:21.240 thank you so much for coming in.

01:54:22.180 Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:54:27.960 I must be cornerstone.

01:54:32.980 Oh,

01:54:33.980 but when I reach that ground,

01:54:35.900 I'll share this peace of mind.

01:54:38.020 I found I can feel it in my bones,

01:54:42.920 but it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake.

01:54:51.240 And let myself unwind.

01:54:55.380 Shine that light on me.

01:55:00.600 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

01:55:06.020 Shine on me.

01:55:10.020 And I will find a song.

01:55:13.560 I will sing it just for you.

01:55:16.700 Now I've been moving way too fast.

01:55:24.240 On the runaway train with a heavy load of my past.

01:55:31.760 And these roads that I've been riding on,

01:55:35.040 they're worn so thin that they're damn near gone.

01:55:37.540 I guess now they just weren't built to live.

01:55:40.320 And I will not be able to walk with anyone,

01:55:41.940 until they're hidden about help.

01:55:43.680 laughter

01:55:44.060 And there's a lot of connection.

01:55:45.380 I错ied it.

01:55:45.560 I knapp NCuencompassion.

01:55:46.700 Here is a beat on my chapter.

01:55:47.460 It is going to be a phrase in my mind saying that,

01:55:47.840 if you have to do one.

01:55:49.040 And there are other people who wanted to come yesterday.

01:55:49.620 I bet you're going to give it a nice note plus.

01:55:51.380 I'm going to show the palav安. 1.00

01:55:52.860 I put your time to move on,

01:55:53.980 I bet I'm going to show you something for this.

01:55:55.000 And there's a lot of time to go along here.

01:55:57.120 It's going to give you something for me.

01:55:57.660 There's going to be one hour.

01:55:59.240 We've taken four years and three years.

01:56:00.680 There's going to run into myopia around.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - May 12, 2021

E339 Nikki Glaser

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