This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E378 Chris Distefano

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00:01:14.500 Theo to get 20% off. I want to let you know next week. I'll be back on a regular solo episode

00:01:21.000 and I'm looking forward to that. Um, so I will see you then. We could just do a little bit of

00:01:27.820 mano y mano or mano y womano as well. We'll include everybody. Um, this week, February 2nd,

00:01:37.320 I'm in Jacksonville, Florida. Uh, and February 3rd, I'm in St. Petersburg, Florida, America.

00:01:45.640 Uh, February 5th, I'll be in Orlando. Uh, that's this week. So you can grab those tickets.

00:01:52.080 TheoVaughn.com slash tour. I'm also in Tampa and then I'll be in Lafayette, Indiana. That's sold out.

00:01:59.320 Uh, 225, I'll be in Rockford, Illinois. That's February 25th, February 26th in Chicago

00:02:05.140 at the Chicago theater. Very excited. And yeah, Rockford, Illinois, home of the Rockford

00:02:11.800 Peaches, a feminine baseball group that did it all. Almost won it all. I think they won it. 1.00

00:02:18.440 TheoVaughn.com slash tour. T-O-U-R for tickets. Don't get tickets from any third party sites.

00:02:24.640 Only go through TheoVaughn.com slash tour. If you're paying a ridiculous amount of money for a ticket,

00:02:30.920 it's probably because you, it's some aftermarket site, some peddler, grifter. We also have the new

00:02:38.460 I'm upstairs collection available in hoodies, long sleeves, and tees. I wore my black hoodie

00:02:45.420 yesterday that says it. I'm upstairs. And the be good to yourself collection as well, always available.

00:02:53.580 Uh, go to TheoVaughnstore.com. Thank you guys so much for your support. Uh, coming to see the shows

00:02:59.420 in any merchandise or anything. I love you. Today's episode is being taped at Howie Mandel's studio

00:03:06.680 out here in, um, uh, California. So we're taping it here and we're grateful to Howie Mandel

00:03:15.080 for that. Thank you. Today's guest is, uh, is a friend of mine. He's a deer man.

00:03:23.140 And, uh, I don't mean he's a hunter or anything. I mean, he's just a deer man and he is, um, he's one

00:03:29.800 half of the podcasting duo. Hey babe that he hosts with Sal Vulcano. And he is a full both halves

00:03:38.480 of his solo podcast, Chris C chaos, uh, that you can check out. Um, he is currently touring in cities

00:03:49.480 on his Chrissy Theaters Everywhere tour, the CTE tour. Tickets are available at Chris D Comedy.

00:03:56.620 He and I have a long history of podcasting together. This one's right in time for Valentine's Day, man.

00:04:02.940 We're going to talk about love. Um, and I'm grateful that he's here. Uh, my friend, Mr. Chris

00:04:10.320 DeStefano.

00:04:11.500 For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind. Shine that light on me.

00:04:23.180 I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shine on me.

00:04:31.800 Yeah. So, you know, but Chrissy D, you know what I mean? Motherfucking Chrissy D, you know 1.00

00:04:51.680 what I mean? Like, look at that. You're not wearing bracelets like that unless you're doing 0.99

00:04:54.960 something, unless you know what I mean?

00:04:56.440 What is that? Is that a Bloomingdale's? Where'd you, where'd you get it?

00:04:58.900 Got that at Amazon, but it, you know what I mean? 200.

00:05:01.880 Oh, wow. Yeah.

00:05:02.580 And what carrot is that? Is that 30?

00:05:05.700 Might be 30.

00:05:07.200 That's a good amount.

00:05:08.200 Yes, sir. And I got a chain.

00:05:10.640 Oh, wow. Yeah, I got a chain too.

00:05:12.040 Cuban link. You know what I mean? I'm just saying like that's, you know, you're adding

00:05:15.560 shows at a funny bone with that.

00:05:17.060 Yeah, yeah. Oh, look. And you're married still to your wife, right?

00:05:20.500 Yes. Well, we're not married, but we have children. So we're married in the eyes of God.

00:05:25.320 And did you know when you were going to be in love? Like, did you know?

00:05:28.760 Like when you take me to it for real and be honest with me, because I've been thinking

00:05:33.620 a lot about love and like, how do I get, you know, being just jumping in and be like,

00:05:38.520 I'm in love, you know? And like, like, I don't have a girlfriend or anything right now,

00:05:41.740 but it's like, really?

00:05:43.600 Yeah. But I've been thinking about it.

00:05:45.000 It's tough to be single with a jacket like that because you're, I'm soaked.

00:05:49.100 Oh, thanks, man.

00:05:49.720 You look good in it, man.

00:05:50.920 I think it's one of those like Andre Agassi collection things. 0.99

00:05:54.180 No, it's fucking, it's, it's money in the bank jacket. I just, I really liked the jacket. 0.97

00:05:58.560 Thanks. I actually saw a man with it who did skydiving is the first time that I ever saw it.

00:06:04.380 Yeah. It looks like something like Whitney Houston would wear, but I love Whitney Houston.

00:06:07.860 Really?

00:06:08.280 Yes. Whitney Houston is my number one. I was watching the Whitney Houston documentary

00:06:13.180 on the plane coming out here.

00:06:14.360 Oh, is it good?

00:06:14.940 Fully crying in Delta Economy.

00:06:17.300 Ooh.

00:06:18.080 Ooh. I've told you, bro, I'm adding shows at Funny Bones.

00:06:20.560 Yeah. Oh, that's good, dude. If you, what, do you, what were we talking about?

00:06:27.220 You were asking me about love and you want to find.

00:06:29.560 Did you know? Did you know?

00:06:31.420 Okay. I'm going to be a hundred percent honest with you. All right. This is for real. In 2014,

00:06:37.860 when I met.

00:06:38.660 Okay. Hold on. What was the climate of the world in 2014?

00:06:41.920 2014.

00:06:42.500 People were kind of getting along pretty fast.

00:06:43.740 We were getting along. We had Obama as president, you know, there were real no problems

00:06:48.600 on the horizon. You know, China was starting to act up a little bit. You starting to hear,

00:06:52.400 you know, like China was always like, uh, watch them a little bit, but we really didn't have the

00:06:56.580 problems we have right now. You know, we were two years away from being saved by Trump and now we're

00:07:02.540 back in the bullshit. But yeah. So it was kind of like a little bit of a glory days, but I was single. 0.99

00:07:07.720 I had been single for six months. Um, had you been dating kind of vigorously? Had you been doing

00:07:13.660 sex a lot? Had you been, uh, again, just being completely 100% vulnerable and honest from the

00:07:19.620 time, uh, uh, from, from, from, uh, January of 2014 until August of 2014. Yes. Early. I,

00:07:27.560 I contracted chlamydia so many times that my primary care doctor gave me my own prescription

00:07:33.860 of azithromycin, which is what cures chlamydia, almost like a male birth control. He's like, anytime

00:07:39.180 you, it just hurts a little bit to pee, just take this. He said, cause I can't stop you.

00:07:43.200 He said, and it's amazing. You don't have herpes, AIDS or syphilis, but you got chlamydia.

00:07:47.420 Like I've never gotten COVID once, but I get chlamydia, like chlamydia is like, you know

00:07:52.160 what I mean? Yeah. You were, yeah, you were. And so he was scoring chlamydia. Yes.

00:07:56.320 The John Moran of chlamydia. Yeah. He would, he would, I would pee in a cup and he would go

00:07:59.300 like that. Like it was a hot potato because my urine was a hundred degrees. You know what

00:08:02.320 I mean? So, so, yeah, yeah. This thing's, it looks a little booyah based. That's when it's

00:08:09.600 bad boy. I remember one time when you got that chicken noodle piss.

00:08:13.200 Yeah. Chicken noodle piss with chlamydia on the side. So I, I remember one time I gave

00:08:18.200 him a cup of my urine and I said, is it bad? And he goes, feel it. He goes, feel it. What

00:08:22.440 do you think? And I was like, it's, it's a little warm. He goes, yeah, it's not supposed

00:08:25.060 to be like that. Wow. I was like, yeah, he went, he went. So, okay. So, so get to August

00:08:30.400 of 20th. He was serving hot. So, so let me tell you something. Yeah. And listen, at that

00:08:34.440 time, you know, I, I, I was, I was, you know, there was a lot of beautiful women. I was 0.99

00:08:39.160 recently single. I, I, you know, I was out there in the world with comedy and I was,

00:08:43.240 I was, I was hooking up with, with beautiful women and, and, and having a good time. I

00:08:46.680 had a beautiful apartment in Long Island city, New York. I had a view of the city. I was really,

00:08:50.840 really like being free and single for the first time in my life. Were you on the apps or were

00:08:55.040 you just meeting women at shows? Just meeting women at shows on Instagram. I never did any

00:08:59.140 of those apps. Not never once. I like it. I did Raya once. You're basically a Native 1.00

00:09:03.100 American basically of dating. I was Native American. I was hunting buffalo and some of

00:09:06.740 them were buffalo, but I don't discriminate. You know what I mean? So you got some gazelles,

00:09:10.640 some buffaloes. It depends. Oh yeah, dude. I've been with some. Yeah. Wounded antelope. You

00:09:15.080 know what I'm saying? A hundred percent. I had sex with a woman who was on dialysis, you 0.89

00:09:18.720 know? Oh wow. Is that good for them? That's good. Well, it, it, she wouldn't, she'd be dead 1.00

00:09:23.280 without it. She was in her mid forties on dialysis. She was actually a friend of my father's

00:09:26.940 and they met at dialysis and I wound up having sex with her. 0.87

00:09:29.140 It wasn't a proud moment, but I did. Um, and cause I was in, I was just in that, in 0.89

00:09:34.080 that time in 2014, I was just there. I was finding women that felt empty like me that

00:09:39.700 were, you know, having sex. I don't fuck out. I don't fuck anybody out, out of a, like 1.00

00:09:43.860 a urgent care or nothing. You won't do it? No. Yeah. I don't do it, man. My sister works 0.99

00:09:49.620 at him. I've seen some behind the scenes. I'm not doing that shit. Yeah. No, I get it.

00:09:54.640 Somebody's rolling out of her urgent care. I'm not. You're not going to, I know having

00:09:57.840 sex with a woman on dialysis was, I don't want to say it was a low point, but you know, 0.99

00:10:02.360 I mean, it was, uh, it was dangerous because, you know, she was had blurred vision and shit. 0.99

00:10:06.300 And I was like, you know, I don't even know if she's, are you really? You know, you want 0.95

00:10:11.100 it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, so, so August of 2004, this series, take me there.

00:10:19.300 August of 2004, I'm sorry. July of 2014. It was July 6th. Okay. My boy, Pat Finnegan, Patty fly ball.

00:10:25.400 Shout out. Uh, he just fell down the stairs yesterday and had a laceration on his chin.

00:10:29.260 He tripped over his dog leash. Um, so shout on him. He, he said he lost consciousness. Yeah.

00:10:34.920 Yeah. Um, so he, we went to a place, uh, in Brooklyn, it was called place to beach in Coney

00:10:41.440 Island, Brooklyn. Okay. And did you say in volleyball? They haven't said volleyball. Um,

00:10:46.080 and it was, this is a place in Brooklyn where this isn't like gentrified, woke Brooklyn. This

00:10:50.540 was like where native New Yorkers are going. Okay. You know, you had the Puerto Ricans 1.00

00:10:54.660 and the Italians going out there. It's Coney Island. Like Coney Island is like, it's not 0.93

00:10:59.180 gentrified, man. That's real New York city. Like you gotta be from New York to even know

00:11:02.540 where these spots are at. That was one of those spots. I wasn't looking for anything. I wasn't

00:11:06.540 looking for, I was just, I was out there maybe going to try. Why'd you go that day? Because

00:11:10.500 Pat Finnegan had told me, he's like, yo, my sister's there with her friends. Oh yeah. So

00:11:14.360 let's go meet my sister's friends. Cause she's a beautiful girl. And we were like, okay, yeah,

00:11:17.880 we'll go. We'll have fun drink. I had a show at the Creek in the cave, RIP, the Creek in

00:11:22.540 the cave. It was in Queens, New York at the time. I was supposed to have a show at the

00:11:25.760 Creek in the cave at eight o'clock. I said, let's go to that place at five. We'll do it.

00:11:29.260 We'll have a couple of drinks. I was drinking strawberry vodka. I was drinking strawberry

00:11:32.620 vodka. And I said, let's get drunk. We'll drive my, my Jeep Grand Cherokee out there.

00:11:37.240 And then, you know, we'll take the bus to the Creek if we can't drive. I got a Grand Cherokee.

00:11:41.140 See similarities. So, and we both got eighties jackets on. Yeah. It's nice dude. And I got that

00:11:47.480 bracelet. I don't have it. So, so I'm, I'm, I'm, we're in there and again, not looking for

00:11:53.740 anything. And again, I was at the point, you know, a lot of beautiful women. Were you feeling

00:11:57.340 hopeful? I was feeling, I was feeling, I remember I was feeling good. I felt I was wearing the

00:12:04.240 right shorts and the right shirt that I felt like I was in better shape than I actually

00:12:08.100 was. I felt tight, even though I had probably had eaten pizza and carbs, but I felt tight and

00:12:12.580 good. Yeah. I love that when your shirt does that for you. Cause you know, like right now I don't

00:12:15.720 feel good. I feel fat. I feel bloated. I'm just trying to cover it up because I don't

00:12:19.520 feel good, man. Cause I had a muffin this morning, but yeah. So I had a two muffins this morning

00:12:23.980 actually. And a jalapeno cheese bagel. And I had cold oatmeal on the plane. What can you

00:12:28.480 do? I'm Chrissy carbs. Wow. Yeah. I went in, I probably had 4,000 calories. It's, it's,

00:12:32.860 it's barely three o'clock. Damn dude. It's barely, it's not even February yet. I know dude. 1.00

00:12:37.560 So I, I, I eat like my drug is I eat too much and uh, you know, but what can I do? So you're

00:12:43.080 on strawberry vodkas. You have a nice fit on there. And do you, are y'all doing activities?

00:12:47.940 What are you doing? No. So we're in the bar literally just listening to, you know, the house

00:12:52.640 music, uh, uh, you know, trying to talk to girls dancing, just being stupid. And I, I go to take a 0.99

00:13:00.160 piss. They had a port-a-potty there. Yeah. So I go to take a piss. I like a port-a-potty dude.

00:13:04.760 Cause it's almost like you feel brave when you even go piss. You're like, you're not like Magellan,

00:13:09.460 but you're like, I'm going to try it. You know what I'm saying? I'm doing something different.

00:13:12.700 And it was, and, and the port-a-potty is the only time in my life before COVID that anytime

00:13:16.960 I use a port-a-potty, I would look to wash my hands or Purell because a hundred percent

00:13:20.560 of the time, even if I dutied, I would never wash my hands before COVID. I was like, I don't

00:13:24.780 need to wash my hands unless I was in a port-a-potty. So with the port-a-potty, the hard part is

00:13:29.980 getting the door open. You almost got to kick it with your foot and let it bounce a little

00:13:34.000 and then catch it with your foot. Yeah. You got to do something. You got to act like you

00:13:36.980 don't have even have hands. Like you could just got nubs. Yeah. So, so I, I'm there.

00:13:43.520 I hate to not have hands. I come out. I come out. I met a, you know, I met a guy. I used

00:13:48.980 to be a physical therapist. I had a patient, I should say, that was just a torso.

00:13:53.040 Let's not say a, is it called a patient or your physical therapist?

00:13:55.620 Yes. No, they would call us patients. And we technically have doctorate degrees. I mean,

00:13:59.080 I have a doctorate degree. I would never call myself doctor. Some of my, you know, classmates

00:14:02.660 did and that's bullshit, but they were called patients. And I met a, he was a torso. 0.97

00:14:06.980 Just a torso. He had no arms, no legs. And he was on a map. Did he speak at churches?

00:14:10.980 No, no, no, no, no. I think he's no longer with us, but he was just a full torso. Oh wow. And

00:14:16.300 it was crazy to see, but he would maneuver it. Like he would get shit done. Just rolling around. 0.99

00:14:20.640 You know, it was just, it was wild. That's crazy. And does he have a spine or not? Or just

00:14:26.020 like a rib cage? No, he had a full head spine, everything, but he was just, just think about

00:14:29.660 like a mannequin with no arms, no legs. Just think about like, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're

00:14:33.340 talking so fast. It's hard for me to know. Sorry. Well, it's because it was Fuji apple Celsius.

00:14:36.580 Yes. Sorry. I'm sorry. So thinking about a mannequin. All right. And what else? No

00:14:42.220 arms, no legs. All right. Head, brain, spine. Okay. Tattoo on his rib cage. Ooh, wow.

00:14:50.720 Yeah. Didn't see that coming. Yep. And he was having, um, he was having, I think it was

00:14:56.820 shoulder issues, uh, because, uh, easily neck, neck, shoulder, because it's all you got

00:15:02.200 left. It's just his neck. Yeah. And he was born that way, by the way, he wasn't in an

00:15:06.480 accident. And this is true. I'm, I'm, you know, I could probably prove it to you. He

00:15:11.940 was also a hermaphrodite. Oh, wow. So, so he was, and he was blind in one eye. This 0.68

00:15:15.960 is, I, I, I'm not making any of this up. I can't say his name cause that's against

00:15:19.500 HIPAA. Yeah. You know, but, but he, he is the patient. If anyone who worked with me at

00:15:24.160 NYU in, uh, you know, summer, spring or whatever it was of, of 2010, you know exactly who I'm

00:15:30.340 talking about. Damn. Yeah. Well, that's probably not a lot of it. And there's, that's, you know, 0.99

00:15:34.560 no, I think you got big, I mean, my, my, my people I work with are big fans of yours.

00:15:38.460 Absolutely. So, so, so with that being said, I, um, I, I, I, I, I'm there. It's July 6th

00:15:46.800 of 2014. Okay. I see who's going to eventually become my, the, the mother of my two beautiful

00:15:54.000 children. Wow. And so when I saw her, dude, I'm the, I never forget. I saw her, I was

00:15:58.020 drinking a strawberry vodka, having fun. I was probably, you know, on an app looking

00:16:01.860 for Domino's pizza. I'm always, anytime I drink, even though New York city has the best

00:16:05.540 Italian food, every time I drink, I always want pizza hut and Domino's. I think it's

00:16:08.200 just pain. It's just a cycle of pain. It's like, I want to look in the mirror and be like,

00:16:11.340 you fucking suck. You eat that Domino's bitch. Oh yeah. Like something like that. 1.00

00:16:15.220 Like BDSM. Yeah. It's like, like a suicidal thing, you know? Yeah. Like Italian BDSM. 0.96

00:16:19.880 Yes. Yes. So I say, I see her, I see her and she's like dancing. And it was one of those

00:16:25.900 things where it was like, almost like in a movie where I was like, like, I, I, truthfully,

00:16:29.520 I was like, my heart like stopped. Like I was like, like, it's the only time I ever felt

00:16:33.840 that in my life where I looked at her and I was like, Oh my God. Like, like the beauty

00:16:38.880 was like, like floored. And again, like I said, I was, I, I said everything before I had, you

00:16:44.720 know, we're talking to beautiful women and Ben, so she was beautiful. Like, you know,

00:16:49.220 there were other girls, but there was something different about her. And I said to my boy,

00:16:53.120 Patty, Patty fly balls, who I never, he was chewing on a straw. And I said to him, I do

00:16:57.900 that. I, yeah. I said to him, I said, I said, dude, look at how beautiful that woman is. 1.00

00:17:03.440 And he, he was like, I know she's amazing. And I was like, he agreed. He agreed. And I

00:17:07.640 was like, I was like, I said that, I said, I said, that literally is the hottest girl I've

00:17:13.080 ever seen in my life. I was like, I can't even think right now. And he was like, bro, and he

00:17:16.020 was like, bro, relax. What'd you do then? You left? No. So he goes, he goes, dude,

00:17:20.000 yeah, she's a smoking hot Puerto Rican chick. Like, I get it. Like, and I said, I got to

00:17:24.800 go up and talk to her. I said, I literally was like inside of me. I was like, if I do

00:17:29.640 not talk to her, like, this is going to bother me for the rest of my fucking life. Like, I'm 0.99

00:17:32.940 never going to forget this woman. So I go up to her and I say, listen, I said, I, you

00:17:38.360 know, I saw you from across the musical out. Was it hard to get her attention? That

00:17:42.400 part I don't remember. Cause I was enamored because you know, what's amazing about her?

00:17:46.100 She was so beautiful and obviously is so beautiful. But the thing is what I focus on is she has

00:17:50.260 a chipped tooth. So I was looking at her chipped tooth. Cause I was like, wow, you know, you're

00:17:54.660 like from afar, like you don't notice you have a chipped tooth. But then when I get closer,

00:17:57.700 it's almost like the chipped tooth, it even made it more beautiful. Cause it's like, it's

00:18:00.660 unique. It's almost like a, like a hot chick with a scar. You know what I mean? Like I was

00:18:04.080 like, I like this. This is unique. It's almost like you got to buy a vowel or something. Yeah. Like one

00:18:08.240 of the most beautiful women I've ever met besides her has no pinkies. And I was like,

00:18:13.200 and she's a smoke show, but she's got no pinkies and she hides them, but she's, you don't meet 1.00

00:18:17.280 people that don't have pinkies and she doesn't have them, but she's gorgeous. Wow. It's almost

00:18:22.060 like a sloth almost. Yes. She's dude. I'll tell you this first girl I ever kissed had a chipped 0.99

00:18:26.940 tooth. Yep. Yep. And they made us kiss. We were in love, man. I don't know if we were in

00:18:31.500 love, but we live near each other. Well, sometimes that's all it takes. That's what being in love

00:18:35.760 was and being married was in ancient times. You just knew the people in your village.

00:18:39.500 Yeah. That's why this whole concept of a soulmate, you, there's 9 billion people in this world

00:18:44.740 and we're all connected through Mark Zuckerberg, the God. Yeah. So it's like you, this whole

00:18:49.460 idea of a soulmate and a one and only that's, that's ancient tribe bullshit. This is not new 0.98

00:18:54.420 world thinking because new, we're all connected, man. You just, you knew about 15 people back

00:18:59.760 in the day. Right. So you know what I mean? So with her, with Jasmine, I walked up to her

00:19:06.300 and I said, I said, I, it's, it's, I can't stop like looking at you. Wow. I said, do you

00:19:12.540 have a boyfriend? You went full psychopath with the first time I can't stop looking at 0.86

00:19:15.920 you? Yeah. I might've even whispered it. Oh man. You should have had somebody write it 0.97

00:19:22.980 on your back with a marker and just pull your shirt up. Yeah. I went full psycho because I was

00:19:28.240 just so, and I said, love brother. That's what I'm telling you. That's love. Yeah. And I said to

00:19:32.560 her, I said, is, is there any way I could just buy you a drink? And she said, you could, but my

00:19:37.320 boyfriend is here. So then I was like, whoa, cause I got a rule, man. If you got a boyfriend,

00:19:42.960 I don't mess with that. Or a husband. Like, I don't, I think that's bad karma. I would never want

00:19:46.880 that. I don't mess with that. Like there's plenty of fish in the sea, but something about her,

00:19:51.840 where I was like, I almost feel like it doesn't matter. Like, I don't care that, you know, like

00:19:57.500 I almost have to be like, I don't care at all that you have a boyfriend. Yeah. I have to take

00:20:02.760 a chance. Even if this guy kills me, cause I'm sure based off what you look like, you probably have 0.93

00:20:06.660 like some Guido, like convict murderer, Brooklyn, Italian boyfriend, which I was right. 1.00

00:20:13.520 Volleyball playing too. Yep. Uh, my stepdad found out that some lady was getting married that he used 0.88

00:20:19.740 to have a huge crush on. And he went over, he was at a bar or something that night. He found out

00:20:24.460 she's got engaged and he drove over to the house and went up on her porch, like in the middle of the

00:20:30.200 night and said, look, I got all these feelings for you and blah, blah, blah. And she didn't care. 0.89

00:20:36.180 Right. And while he was up there, somebody burned his car in the fucking street and set his car on fire. 0.99

00:20:41.660 So he was there and literally his car's burning, which is a horrible look. If you're trying to 0.99

00:20:48.540 tell somebody like that, you're the guy for them, you know, it's just like, and then you come back

00:20:53.480 with a bicycle. Yeah. No way, dude. You're not the guy. How did your car set on fire? Yeah. I don't

00:21:00.340 know what happened. I either, he just left a cigarette in the dash or something had happened,

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00:22:30.140 You know, it's tough to keep things fresh. You know, especially to keep your body fresh. Dang, that's hard.

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00:23:59.380 So, so, you know, she says, I got a boyfriend and I said, I can't, I won't be deterred,

00:24:04.020 not on this one. So I said, you know what? I'm, I'm just going to have to stick around it and fight

00:24:09.100 this out. And I, and, and for like an hour, I would, you know, kept drinking and I was just like,

00:24:13.440 you know what, man? Like I got to, and I know she was talking to the bartender. And so the bartender

00:24:17.900 was, turned out to be one of her close friends, still is one of her close friends. And so I said to

00:24:21.600 the bartender, I said, what, what, what is it going to, what is it going to take for me? What is it

00:24:25.340 going to take for me to get this, your friend to like, look at me and notice me? I was like, does she really

00:24:29.400 have a boyfriend? And she was like, I can't answer that. And I was like, oh, so they're

00:24:32.680 playing games. She may not have a boyfriend. What's it called? Misdirect? No, I think it's

00:24:37.640 called like a, um, turn of events. A turn of events. So she says, I, I, I can't, I can't

00:24:44.620 answer that. I said, well, what's it going to take? And she was like, she's, she's, she loves

00:24:48.040 dancing. She was like, and she's Puerto Rican. Like you got to come up with some type of, yeah,

00:24:51.980 they love dancing. Like you got to dance. Like, do you know how to do bachata? And I said, I'm going to

00:24:57.100 try. Yeah. So I Googled bachata and I told them, I told, cause she had the music, you

00:25:02.360 know, she's a bartender. I said, let me, let me, let me look at some shit. Let me YouTube 0.99

00:25:05.700 a couple of steps. Let me YouTube some stuff. And so I said, and my boy was like, yo dude,

00:25:09.920 remember that scene in Along Came Polly when Ben Stiller started dancing Spanish. Yeah. And 0.95

00:25:15.180 that's how he got his woman. So we watched that scene and I played that song from that movie.

00:25:21.620 No. Yes. So I played that song and I'm like, I'm just going to come up to her and dance with

00:25:25.800 her. And then, yeah, bro, this is fricking getting good. Yeah, dude. So she said, so

00:25:31.000 she, so, so the bartender was like, I'm going to play that song for you. And you come up

00:25:34.400 with those dance moves. Were you scared? Yeah, bro. I was mad nervous. Did you go outside

00:25:38.520 and warm up or do you just warm up right? I was drinking. So I was like having fun with

00:25:42.220 it. You know, I was like, whatever, dude, this is going to be great. Yeah. And you got

00:25:45.160 nothing to lose. Cause you're sitting there with a drinking with an Irish man. Yeah, dude.

00:25:48.480 A couple of Irish men actually. Yeah. So I start, so they, they play that song. Nothing's 1.00

00:25:53.620 further from them being happily married and sitting somewhere with two Irish dudes drinking.

00:25:57.880 Yeah, dude. That is the complete opposite of it. Yeah. So, so, oh dude. And two Irish 1.00

00:26:03.400 men listening to the Mets games with the headphones on, like, you know, like they're watching the

00:26:07.860 Mets game. Like they were trying to get the Mets score. Yeah. And, and, and so I just did

00:26:12.400 that. I did that dance, played that song. She kind of giggled and she goes, and she goes, 0.92

00:26:17.820 that was a nice attempt. She goes, that was a nice attempt. And she goes, how about this?

00:26:21.300 I'll tell you my name. So she tells me her name and I was like, okay. And she goes, and then what

00:26:26.920 I almost, it almost was like, it was a setup, but I swear to God, it wasn't. I had been on a show

00:26:32.280 on MTV called Guy Code and Girl Code, which is relatively still popular at that time. Yeah, I

00:26:36.340 remember with Jessamay and the other. Carly and Andrew Schultz and all those guys, guys and girls.

00:26:43.400 So, so I, um, I, I, uh, somebody came up to me and wanted a picture with me from that

00:26:51.520 show. And then she was like, why do they want a picture with you? And I was like, oh, I'm

00:26:54.760 on a show on, on it's on MTV. And she was like, how old are you? I was like 30. And she

00:26:59.720 was like, you still aren't watching MTV. And I was like, no, I'm not watching it. I'm just

00:27:04.060 on the show. Yeah. Yeah. That's just a, that's just, that's fine, man. You're not a bad guy.

00:27:08.040 That's just a business choice. I was like, I was like, I, I, you know, I needed, I, I'm

00:27:12.300 just, I'm working. Yeah. I'm working. She said that, the Puerto Rican girl? Yeah. She

00:27:15.380 said that to me. She was like, yeah, what do you want? Right. And so I said, I'm just

00:27:18.660 working. I don't think they trust a lot of television. Puerto Ricans are more, they're 1.00

00:27:21.660 more real life. Yes. Yeah. Like if I was working at a gas station or something like that, she'd

00:27:27.420 be more like, this is my kind of guy. Right. But, so she was like, okay. And then she said,

00:27:31.900 um, she said, what's the show? And I told her, she goes, all right, maybe I'll look it

00:27:35.340 up one day. And I was like, okay. Yeah. It could take forever, dude. She's so vague.

00:27:40.960 Doesn't she know? We only have a lifetime. I know, dude. So then she goes, so then she

00:27:45.160 goes, um, she was like, fucking with me. So she goes, um, she goes, all right. She 0.99

00:27:50.060 goes, look, she goes, I'm leaving. She goes, I gotta, I gotta get home. She goes, I gotta

00:27:55.120 get home to my son. Oh, so that was, so when she said that got the S bomb, dropped the S

00:28:00.020 bomb. So in my heart, my heart, I said, get home to my chlamydia. I said, I

00:28:05.320 said, if you get, I said, cause already then I said, okay. I said, well, the first thing

00:28:10.500 I said, I said, is that you have a son with your boyfriend? She goes, no. And I said, is

00:28:14.940 you, so is the, is the son's father around? I said, is he, is he deceased? And she was

00:28:19.500 like, why would you want him to be deceased? I was like, I don't, I was just, I was just

00:28:22.360 hoping that he was, so I could step in and be a stepdad. Like I just said that immediately.

00:28:26.400 And she was like, you're like crazy. And I was like, yeah. And she was like, and she was 0.99

00:28:31.480 like, he's still in the picture. I was like, okay. So, but when she said that to me,

00:28:35.120 I already felt inferior to him. So I said to myself in my heart and head at that moment,

00:28:38.780 I said, the first time I have sex with this woman, I'm not pulling out. I need to get 1.00

00:28:41.900 her pregnant too, to even the playing field. That's how nuts I was. You went full Puerto 1.00

00:28:45.780 Rican. And that's eventually what I did. FYI. No way. I met her. I met her. I met her 1.00

00:28:51.920 in August of 2014. We conceived July of 2014. My daughter Delilah was conceived in August.

00:28:58.860 I have a six and a half year old daughter. 2014? Yeah, dude. Wow. My daughter was born

00:29:02.280 in May of 2015. Wow. So, so, so you purposely impregnated her. 1000%. Wow. Because I felt

00:29:10.080 so inferior to this guy. I didn't even know. And I was like, this is the woman of my dreams.

00:29:14.100 I'm going to play hardball. I need this. He's got one on the board. I'm going to get one

00:29:17.120 on the board. I said, yeah. And now I got two on the board. Now I got a second kid. So now

00:29:20.660 I'm like two to one motherfucker. So it's psychotic. This is how I live my life. Yeah. So, so 0.99

00:29:26.260 I, I kind of like this. Yeah, dude. I went all in because everyone was like, you're crazy. And I

00:29:31.480 was like, I feel like I'm in an Uber X with no brakes. Yeah, dude. I was like, yeah, maybe I am.

00:29:35.860 Yeah. So then finally, I'll never forget. I was at Minnesota at Target Field. I was at the MLB

00:29:41.600 All-Star game. Okay. Watching the game. Derek Jeter's final MLB All-Star game. I'm a huge Yankees fan.

00:29:46.380 Oh yeah. I get a message from a Instagram message from an account I wasn't sure of. And it was just

00:29:52.980 a dog laying on the floor like this. Just a, it looked like a dead dog. So I was like, this is

00:29:57.920 weird. Yeah. This is wild. And then it said, it said, this is me giving in. She said, this is me

00:30:04.420 giving in. Wow. And she goes, and she gave me her phone number besides the last digit. She goes,

00:30:11.780 so she was really, I mean, making me work. Like that movie Memento or whatever. Yes. She gave me the

00:30:16.000 last digit. So I went through all the digits. I went through all of them and I just texted

00:30:20.720 this number and I just kept trying that digit until five. Yeah. And most of them were like,

00:30:25.580 who is this? Some of them were in other languages. Somebody sent me back Chinese symbols and then

00:30:29.160 finally, yeah. So I was like, could that be her? I was like, jazz? So then finally I got

00:30:37.060 the digit. The last digit was actually a zero. I started at one like an idiot. And then, and

00:30:41.460 so zero, I thought it would have just started with zero and I nailed it on the first try.

00:30:44.220 So I finally got her and she said, look, she, she broke down. She was like, I have a son.

00:30:49.940 I'm not looking for anything serious, but you know, she goes, you seem like a funny guy.

00:30:54.480 She was like, I looked up your stuff. It's pretty funny. She was like, I was the, the,

00:30:58.340 the guy that I was with. She was like, it was, it was a casual, stupid thing. She was like, 1.00

00:31:02.140 if you want to take me out, um, you know, I have to make arrangements for my son. I'm free,

00:31:06.920 you know, next Saturday. Now, was there a lot of pressure? Cause if somebody says they got a son

00:31:11.280 and then, cause you're almost like, if you take somebody out that has a son,

00:31:14.840 you got to have a little bit more of a plan or like be real serious. Yeah. Well,

00:31:19.480 he was three at the time. And when I opened the door, when she opened the door for me,

00:31:23.080 you can hear him. No, he showed up in his karate outfit. He had a karate outfit on with his orange

00:31:27.140 belt with a headband on and he was holding his hatred. Or why would he have, why would he be

00:31:31.460 dressed like that? He was holding a Mott's apple juice, just looking at me. And why was he dressed

00:31:35.200 like that? Cause I think he just wanted to let him know, like, let, let me know that he knows karate

00:31:38.700 if I messed with his mom. Fuck, that's crazy, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? It's 1.00

00:31:42.800 crazy, dude. I, and I, and I've, I've since, you know, he's my stepson. He lives with me. So he,

00:31:46.980 so he, you know, Jasmine has since told me like, yeah, he, he, he put that on when I told him,

00:31:51.180 mommy's going to go out with a friend. And she, he was like, is that, is it guy? And he, when she

00:31:55.120 said yes, that he put it on. Every time he smells apples, she just breaks a board in the living room.

00:31:59.600 Yeah. And he, no, he's still the ice grills the shit out of me every time I give him his 0.98

00:32:02.520 breakfast and stuff. He's still like, dude, never forget you ain't my dad. So you took her out. Where'd you take her? 0.91

00:32:08.020 So that's what happened. So I took her out. Cause this is good for me, man. Cause I want to be in

00:32:13.020 love, you know? So I want to know how, what do I do to get there? So what happened was, is I took her,

00:32:22.320 I took her to, uh, at that time I was performing at a place called McGuire's comedy club at the end

00:32:27.920 of long Island. That's the Saturday I said, listen, if you, would you like to come to a comedy show?

00:32:32.140 I picked her up. I had a Toyota Corolla, but it was a nice one, but it was a nice one, dude.

00:32:36.020 It was like a 2000, have a nice one. It was a 2014 at automatic windows. A lot of them have the

00:32:40.900 roll-ups, but I had automatic windows at the time and locks. Right. When she's walking into the car,

00:32:44.640 do you do all four windows down? It's a show where they all do it. Yeah. Well, no, I got out of the

00:32:48.600 car. I rang the bell, like proper gentleman. I had a rose for her that I bought from the Chinese man

00:32:53.080 on the corner. Yes. I had a rose for her. And she was like, that's sweet. And I was like, thanks.

00:32:57.720 And then I told her, I was like, this isn't my real car. And she was like, where's your real car?

00:33:01.940 I was like, it's up here. I was like, we're going to get my real car. Like I was being honest, but

00:33:05.900 I was, I was like saying like, this is a, just stay with me because I'm telling you I'm going

00:33:11.860 places. Right. But I was like, we're in a Toyota now, but stay with me. I was like, and there's

00:33:15.500 nobody at this show, but I was like, trust me one day I'm going to have a gold bracelet.

00:33:19.660 Did you really tell her all this? I swear to God. I was like, and she was like, you don't have to

00:33:22.560 build yourself up. She was like, I think it's cool. You do comedy. I think it's brave. She was like,

00:33:25.620 I don't care if you have a Toyota, like it's a nice car. Yeah. She was like, whatever. Yeah. She was like, 1.00

00:33:30.380 I take the bus to work. She was like, I have a tattoo on my tit. Like, this is nice. You know?

00:33:35.140 So I said, which is, she has a butterfly tattoo on her tit. And, but I love that. So, so she said,

00:33:40.860 so, so we go out there, we go to the show and it was in like a shopping mall. Oh yeah.

00:33:45.900 Nobody there. Oh, that's tough. It's tough. And that's tough to bring a girl to a place that used

00:33:51.780 to be like a radio shack or whatever, where they do jujitsu during the day. Yeah. It was bad. It was,

00:33:56.640 and yeah, it was next to a diner. So it was bad. So, but I had a pretty decent set for about 15

00:34:02.860 people in Bohemia, New York and Suffolk County, Long Island. I had a pretty decent set. And I said,

00:34:07.940 at the end of the set, I said, I want you guys, I want you guys to, I want to introduce you to my

00:34:12.580 new girl. And I said, I said, let's bring up to the stage, Ms. Jasmine. Yeah. And she couldn't 1.00

00:34:20.560 believe that I did that. And she was in the back, like, she was like, I'm not going on stage.

00:34:23.740 I was like, I was like, baby, come on stage with me. I was like, I was like, come over here.

00:34:28.920 Yeah. Come on stage. Let's walk into the future. Yes. And then she walked up the stairs and people,

00:34:33.040 you know, the guy was like, woo, like, like whistling out or whatever. And I was like,

00:34:36.440 Who was that? Black guy? No, man, it's my crowd. No blacks. Um, yeah. So it was Bohemia, 1.00

00:34:42.760 Long Island. You know, they can only go to a certain point on Long Island. Oh, really? Yeah.

00:34:47.400 Then you're real urban after a certain. Yeah. You can't do it. Yeah. I'm kidding. By the way,

00:34:51.020 I have a very culturally diverse, uh, fan base. It's like a community. Yeah. Same. I was just

00:34:55.040 wondering who would do the whistle. I'm trying to know Italian guys. It was Italian. Yeah. Italian

00:34:58.740 guys will whistle. She's Puerto Rican. Beautiful girl. Italian sauce brothers, basically. Yes. The 0.96

00:35:03.500 sauce brothers. So they, so I gave her a kiss right there on the lips, dude, a fucking tap in front of 1.00

00:35:10.040 everyone. Yeah, dude. I put the pressure on it'd be, I'd be in prison for that today. You know, 0.99

00:35:14.000 it was forced and all that. Yeah. But that was 2014. There were no rules back then. You know what I mean?

00:35:18.560 It was still the wild, wild west. Yeah. You can do whatever you want. That'd be a me too.

00:35:22.280 A hundred percent me too. And maybe it still will come back to be. We'll see if she writes a book.

00:35:27.240 So, so I, I, I kissed her and then we got back in the car and I was like, was that crazy that I did

00:35:33.840 that? She was like, it was, but she was like, I liked that you're brave. And I was like, wow. So

00:35:38.420 then I drove her back home. I drove her back home. The very, and I said, and I said, listen, I said,

00:35:44.000 I'm not going to come upstairs. And she was like, don't even fuck around with me. She's like, 1.00

00:35:47.080 you're not coming upstairs. I was like, I just want to let you know. I'm the one telling you

00:35:49.760 I'm not that kind of guy. She was like laughing, whatever. Then the second date, which was two

00:35:54.680 days later, I took her to a fat Joe concert at yes. Lean back. Lean back. And I had known fat Joe

00:36:02.200 because we were co-hosting a show for major league baseball at the time. So he brought me on stage

00:36:06.560 and brought her backstage and, you know, Puerto Rican connection. So then I was like, so fat Joe's 0.64

00:36:12.880 Puerto Rican. Yeah. Fat Joe's Puerto Rican. Jasmine's Puerto Rican. I was like, we're going to have sex. 0.98

00:36:16.080 You're done. I was like, we have sex tonight. So that first night though, dude, I was so nervous 1.00

00:36:21.880 and so enamored by her love and who she was that I couldn't get my penis up. I was just smushing 0.99

00:36:28.300 my penis. I've been like that since I was 11. I couldn't get it up, man. Nothing, dude. I was 1.00

00:36:31.760 even trying to watch SportsCenter and everything. And my dick would not get hard, bro. Dude, I remember 0.99

00:36:35.860 drawing a hard dick and showing it to my dick. Yeah, dude. Yeah. And I wouldn't do it. I could not get 1.00

00:36:41.980 hard, man. I was, I was doing it. I was watching the Williams sisters. Like a Rorschachski chart or

00:36:45.040 whatever. You know what I'm saying? Rorschach? Yeah. I just couldn't get it up. And then she

00:36:48.540 got embarrassed for herself. She was like, is it me? Like what, what's going on? I was like, no,

00:36:52.340 you're so, I was like, you're almost so beautiful. And I'm so into you that it's having a counter

00:36:56.460 balance effect. And she was like, oh man. And I was like, this isn't, I was like, I'm embarrassed.

00:37:01.680 And she was like, I'm embarrassed for you. Like, she was like, I'm ready to go.

00:37:05.300 She took some of the shame, huh? Yeah. She was like, oh, but she said, I'm ready to go.

00:37:07.460 She was like, I'm drinking. No, she was, no, no. Meaning ready to go, ready to have sex.

00:37:09.980 She's like, I've been drinking Bacardi all night. You just introduced me to Fat Joe. Like 0.98

00:37:12.980 I'm ready to go. Like, you know what I mean? Like I, I want my, she told you that point.

00:37:16.360 She said, she was like, you just introduced me to Fat Joe. I did take her to Sbarro's,

00:37:20.440 but that was the only thing that was open. I know lady. I want to have sex too. 1.00

00:37:23.760 Yeah. But it wouldn't get up. I know. I know. I know. And my balls are so long that like when I, 0.99

00:37:28.500 when I have like a soft penis like that, like it looked like, looked like I have an issue down 0.99

00:37:32.400 there and, and, and I hadn't shaved my pubes. So she was a little bit like, are you ready? Are 0.99

00:37:37.360 you not? She's like, your balls are like hanging past your kneecaps. You have a full bush and you 1.00

00:37:40.860 can't get your dick hard. You know, like, like, so like I, they have long nuts, baby. You know what 1.00

00:37:48.120 I'm saying? Baby God, dude. But, but I said, I got a devil's mistletoe, son. Yo. So I said to her,

00:37:54.320 I said, can I just, cause she, cause her son wasn't with her son. I guess was with her,

00:37:58.080 his father that night. She had, she had had the, had the night. So I said, you know,

00:38:02.840 nothing like, I said, will you mind something over? Double dragon conference probably.

00:38:07.700 His son was ready to go. His son was, yeah. By an AK 47. So you're at her place. No,

00:38:13.440 she's at my place. Okay. And she's staying over. So now she's staying over. Cause I said to her,

00:38:17.820 I said, can I convince you to stay? Cause she was like, maybe I'll just go, whatever. Like

00:38:20.900 give you some time. Can I convince you to stay even if, even if I can't get erect? Yes. 0.59

00:38:23.880 Because what I knew, what I was counting on was morning wood. I said, at least I know for a fact

00:38:29.080 every day since I've been 12, I wake up with a horn. Normally when I pee, I pee it out. I always

00:38:34.320 pee out my morning wood, but I said, I'm going to try to have sex with her. Even if, even if what 1.00

00:38:38.700 comes out is just piss, even if I pee in her vagina, at least I got it hard and I could show her what's 1.00

00:38:42.940 up. Cause when I'm hard, I'm very decent. And I have a, like, I've been told one of the best 0.99

00:38:48.120 circumcisions like people I've ever seen. Not one mistake, do not a scar, nothing. And if I get a couple of

00:38:52.640 one, it's kind of like this kind of, it looks like that, uh, like Charlie Brown shirt, kind

00:38:56.800 of a little, the cut, you know? Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. So I have a nice, so I was

00:39:01.680 like, when I get it up, man, it's good. You got that eyes out. Smooth skin. It's a little

00:39:05.680 red at the tip. Like it's nice. And, and really white. Like, you know, I got to redo mine,

00:39:09.740 I guess. I want to get my foreskin put back on. Oh really? My mother still has it. My mother 0.96

00:39:16.320 has my foreskin and my first poop and my first hair for my first haircut in a box underneath 0.97

00:39:21.060 my childhood bed, which has remained untouched. You almost would think I'm dead. Cause she 0.96

00:39:25.540 hasn't changed my room since I left. Wow. So I said, that's my only hope. I can't believe

00:39:31.380 she did that. The morning would. Yeah. So I woke up, she had to wake up and go to work. 1.00

00:39:35.380 So she set the alarm at 7am. Oh, an alarm. Here's my thing. Alarm makes my dick soft. 0.99

00:39:40.500 Really? Yeah. So I have to like, I just like any like alerts or anything, you know, I can't 1.00

00:39:48.700 do it. If there's broken glass in the room. Can't do it. Can't do it. So I said to her,

00:39:54.840 I was ready to go. I said, so I said, you know what? I'm just going to have to do this. So I just

00:39:59.080 went down. I just went down. I just went down. But are you erect yet? Are you just hoping to get

00:40:03.400 hard while you're down there? No, it was fully erect. And then it started to go down a little

00:40:06.700 bit. Cause it starts getting nervous while I was going down on her. So I just started dry

00:40:09.900 humping my bed. I just started dry humping my bed to make, so while I'm going down, I'm dry

00:40:14.340 humping my bed. And she's like, are you having a seizure? I'm like, no, no, don't worry

00:40:17.360 about it. Like, and then I just popped up and I put it in and I, and you know, it was

00:40:21.740 like, you know, I was like, Oh shit, I'm in. And then it felt like, you know, then I was

00:40:26.520 in there and then I, I had to pee. And I knew every time when I, if I, if I masturbated, 0.94

00:40:31.760 I had sex with a woman and I hadn't peed and, and I was, I came, I would get a, some type 1.00

00:40:37.280 of infection, not chlamydia, like some type of UTI. And I said, I know I'm going to get a 0.87

00:40:41.780 UTI, but I said, you know what, man? I said, I have to level the playing field with this

00:40:45.900 guy. So I'm going to not pull out. So I didn't pull out. And you ejaculated. Yes. And I

00:40:50.040 ejaculated. But how do you get the ejaculation past the urine? It just, just will, man. Wow. 0.97

00:40:57.240 Just pure will. I believed it could happen. So I pushed out and I filled her up with, with

00:41:02.500 pee. Did you tell her you were going to? She, she, she was like, I was like, I'm going to

00:41:06.720 come, I'm going to come. And she was like, and then she was like, Oh, you know, like went

00:41:09.520 to like push me off. And I just, you know, you stayed in. Yeah. Because it felt so good. And she

00:41:15.020 was like, what the fuck? And I was like, I'm sorry, you know, whatever. And she was 1.00

00:41:18.240 like, well, let's go get, you know, the pill. And I said, yes, of course. So we go get

00:41:22.880 it. The same day? Yeah. Right away. Gosh, I had a lot of time left over then if she had 0.96

00:41:27.080 to go to work. Ready for this though? Yeah. We're driving in the CVS, right? In the

00:41:31.660 Corolla? In the Corolla. 10 minutes. It's a 10 minute drive. We're in the Corolla. About

00:41:36.900 minute eight. You know what she says to me? She goes, I'm pregnant. And I said, you're not 1.00

00:41:41.560 pregnant. She goes, I've been pregnant before. I'm fucking telling you I'm

00:41:44.700 pregnant. She goes, I just got lightheaded out of nowhere. I think the sperm, I think 1.00

00:41:48.240 your sperm just hit my egg. And I was like, no way. That's impossible. It's like, this 0.94

00:41:55.600 is your brain on drugs. Yeah. Like she was, I was like, like a direct hit, like a fucking

00:41:59.560 bullseye. Yeah. And she goes, um, she goes, I'm pregnant. I was like, you're not. So she 1.00

00:42:04.420 goes, so we go get the pill. She takes it. I saw her take it, whatever we go. And she

00:42:08.180 got, and she was like, listen, it happens, whatever. She's like, I'd love to see you

00:42:10.860 again. Like I'm actually starting to like you. So now I'm like, holy shit. Did she take the 0.70

00:42:14.500 pill there in real time or you let her leave with the pill? No, no. She took it

00:42:16.900 like, she took it in real time. Yeah. She dropped it down and yeah. Why dude? Cause

00:42:22.280 she wanted to take the pill. Like, you know what I mean? I want, you know what I

00:42:25.080 mean? So that was, that was August. Okay. September 11th, 2014. I was doing a show

00:42:32.160 at side splitters in Tampa. Shout out Tampa. The owner, the owner of that comedy

00:42:36.980 club. I remember that night had told me I just punched a woman in the face in the

00:42:40.160 parking lot the night before. And he was proud of that. They do that. Yeah. So I

00:42:43.500 remember, I remember, that's what I remember. That's Tampa, dude. That's the

00:42:45.600 Tampa national anthem. He goes, yo, you want to see the footage? I knocked some

00:42:48.440 woman out in the parking lot the other night. I was like, yeah. He was like, yeah.

00:42:52.980 I was like, great. Then he goes, I bet your whole paycheck. You can't make me laugh

00:42:56.480 on the Saturday late show. I was like, what the fuck? I was like, you're a dirt bad 1.00

00:43:00.280 criminal. So yeah. And then he put it, he, the comedy condo, he had put me and 1.00

00:43:06.180 Damien Lemon, shout out Damien Lemon, the comedy condo, he had put me and Damien Lemon

00:43:10.100 at, had a, had a tooth in the sink. Oh yeah. So we had called our manager and we

00:43:13.960 got out, you know, we got a, we got to found a nice hotel room in Clearwater, but

00:43:16.880 it had a tooth in the sink. Oh yeah. So it was disgusting. The fucking decks are

00:43:20.020 sweet. Yeah. And there were two of us and one of us had to sleep on a pullout 1.00

00:43:22.800 sofa. Yeah. So, so, so that's September 11, 2014. I'm down there. I was talking, I

00:43:29.960 was talking to Jasmine a lot, you know, but, but had no plans for her to come to

00:43:33.820 Tampa. And she called me that morning, September 11th. She goes, she goes, Hey, I was

00:43:37.920 thinking I'm going to come out to Tampa. Like, you know, it'd be cool to be in

00:43:40.520 Florida. I said, yeah, come on, you know, come out, you know, whatever. She was like,

00:43:43.820 I'm going to come out. I'm going to see if I can make it there for your, for your

00:43:45.960 late show. I'm going to get a flight right now. It was like, great. I was like, this

00:43:48.780 is awesome. Like I'm, you know, not thinking anything. I've been talking a little bit.

00:43:51.440 Yeah. Oh yeah. No, we were talking still, you know, every day, every other day, you

00:43:54.060 know, she has a family and whatever. And I was like, yeah. So finally she gets there

00:44:00.640 and she looked beautiful. I came off stage that night and she was like gorgeous, tan.

00:44:04.100 And even I looked good back then. Like I didn't, I wasn't, I'm like 241 pounds. Now

00:44:09.460 back then I was about 209. You know what I'm talking about? No, but I'll sing it with

00:44:14.420 you. Uh, it just reminds me of like a romance song. So yeah. Go to a party. Oh yeah. I

00:44:21.580 know that song. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know any of the words after that. Everyone stop as

00:44:27.760 this. Yeah. You're singing it like you're deaf. I like it. I think that's all I got 1.00

00:44:34.320 man. Yeah, dude. I'm tone deaf. I'm literally tone deaf. Yeah. So, okay. So you get off stage.

00:44:40.660 She's there. She's there. Beautiful. So they have a nice green room there. No, it's a shit

00:44:44.300 hole. You stand in the back of the bar. They don't have a green room. Right. There's just, 1.00

00:44:47.160 you can see all the tubes coming out of those boxes that do the soda, that do the soda thing.

00:44:51.360 Yeah. And that guy was just, it's a Corolla. Yeah. It's bad. And the owners back there

00:44:58.360 just beating the shit out of women. Just like, what is happening? So, so I said, so I was 1.00

00:45:05.760 like, wow, you're here. And she goes, yes. And then she had lined up three shots. She

00:45:08.740 was like, you got to do shots. And I was like, this is fucking awesome. We're going 0.99

00:45:10.980 to have, you know, have sex again tonight. I'm like, great. I said, I got a nice hotel 0.97

00:45:14.040 room. You could see the bay, you know, whatever. So we go back, we, you know, have fun

00:45:18.540 me, her and Damien go out to a Bob Evans. We, after that, we got some food and then

00:45:22.740 we have some fun. Yeah. And then we go, we, we go back to my hotel room, get back to my

00:45:27.980 hotel room. And you know, you know, she's like, and is Damien like hanging around too

00:45:32.240 much or he gets it? No, Damien gets it. He's like, you know, I'm going to leave you

00:45:34.580 to it. He's always that weird guy. I was like, Hey, I'll come to your room and let's play

00:45:37.840 a game. Damien's cool as shit, bro. He knew what was going on. Yeah. Yeah. Damien was 0.99

00:45:44.320 like, just let me listen. Unless you're going to hold my wiener up to keep it

00:45:46.840 hard. Unless you're going to stand under it like this. Yeah. No, Damien knew what

00:45:52.280 was up. Good guy. Nice guy. So I hadn't even thought of, cause you know, the, the

00:45:57.020 birth control, the, uh, uh, uh, the, the morning after pill was like an afterthought

00:46:01.120 because it's like, you know, she had taken, I was like, nobody's thinking

00:46:03.040 anything. I wasn't thinking anything. And she didn't, what happened? She didn't

00:46:05.660 swallow it. No, she did. She did. So, but she comes on September 11th. We were in the

00:46:11.660 hotel room that night and she goes, um, she, I, I, I go to use the bathroom and she, uh, 0.70

00:46:19.880 says when I come out, she has a pregnancy test that's positive. And she goes, um, and she

00:46:25.700 goes, she goes, this is your baby. She goes, here's the thing. She goes, I don't, you know,

00:46:31.080 really want to do this. I have a son. She goes, I told you in the car I was pregnant

00:46:34.840 that birth, the morning after pill didn't work. She was like, I told you, I told

00:46:39.360 you, she goes, so, you know, you have your career, your life. I think you're a

00:46:43.180 nice guy. I've had a lovely time with you. I would love to even can continue to

00:46:46.920 see you. She's like, but I'm not going to have another child like this. You

00:46:51.300 know, she's like, I already have a child to a son to deal with that I'm not with

00:46:54.180 her, his dad. What does she mean in Long Island? Huh? What does she mean? Like

00:46:57.300 have another child on Long Island? No, I think she meant like have another

00:47:00.980 child with a guy who maybe doesn't want to get married or maybe like that.

00:47:05.240 Or maybe she did mean, I don't want to have a child with a guy who lives in the 0.99

00:47:08.560 five boroughs. That sounds like a human sewer cap. Maybe she said that. That's 0.90

00:47:12.460 possible. Right. Cause her, her ex, uh, her, her, her son's father does sound and

00:47:16.580 look a lot like me. Oh, he does. Yes. She has white children. She's made that very 0.99

00:47:20.120 clear. She's only going to procreate with white men and that's just her 1.00

00:47:22.940 prerogative. Yeah. So if you're not white, you can hook up with her, but she will not 1.00

00:47:27.820 bury your children. That's her, that's her words. Yeah. Everybody has 0.99

00:47:30.880 Puerto Rican. Yeah. She said, this is macadamia. That's what she said. She was

00:47:34.460 like, yeah. So, so she was like, I want my kids to have psoriasis. So I said, so I

00:47:40.800 said, um, I said to her, I said to her, you're pregnant, you know, it's a hundred 1.00

00:47:45.140 percent mine. She goes, yes, it's a hundred percent yours, obviously. And I was

00:47:49.880 like, um, I was like, okay. And then I had that moment in my head where I was

00:47:53.720 like, you know, I'm 30 years old. I willingly did this. I have my career, you know,

00:47:59.100 where, you know, not where I want it to be, but I was like, things seem to go

00:48:02.260 moving in the right direction. I have my education. I said, I was irresponsible by

00:48:06.140 acting in the moment and deciding not to pull out and do that. Cause I was feeling

00:48:09.540 inferior to another. I created all these dumb things in my head. Cause I'm nuts. I 0.99

00:48:14.340 said, no, I said to her, I said, look, I said, I would love to have this child, even

00:48:19.420 though I know I barely know you, you, we don't know anybody. You don't know my

00:48:23.180 family. I don't know yours. I said, there could be a million red flags for the both of

00:48:26.280 us. I was like, but I would love to be a father to this child. I was like, I don't

00:48:30.180 know if you and I would work out. I don't know if you'll hate me or like me. I

00:48:33.920 don't know. I said, but I know for a fact, like I will make this child like my

00:48:37.020 whole life. Like I promise you that will happen. Sounds so Japanese all of a 1.00

00:48:40.520 sudden. Yeah, dude. I, yeah. I, well, I dropped a fucking nuke in her. So I said, so I

00:48:45.340 said, I said, I will do that. And she was like, let me think about it. Let me think

00:48:52.180 about it. Yeah. Oh my God. And then we woke up the next morning. This is like on

00:48:56.220 Joe Dirt. Whenever that thing happens, he's fucking at the sewer system, whatever. And 0.99

00:49:00.040 he's drinking shit out of a can and he's like, and Brandy wouldn't touch my dick, you 1.00

00:49:05.020 know, and they left me at that. We'll be right back. Um, okay. Yeah. So she said, so we 1.00

00:49:10.040 let me think about it. We woke up the next morning. We were in Florida in Tampa Bay, woke

00:49:14.620 up the next morning and there was a pelican on our balcony. And I was like, that's a

00:49:18.360 stork. I was like, that's a stork, even though I knew it wasn't. I was like, that's a

00:49:21.660 stork. Yeah. And because she, you know, she doesn't know the difference between 0.61

00:49:24.040 pelicans and storks. She was like, that's a sign then. That's a mess. I said, that's

00:49:30.400 our baby right there. That's stork. Wow. And she was like, if you're going to be a 1.00

00:49:34.400 good dad and you promise me that you'll, then we can do it. Wow. And you did it. And

00:49:38.980 we did. And that's the best. And that's why I now in retrospect, even though I love

00:49:43.460 her and, and, you know, she's always be a part of my life. I think what I was seeing

00:49:46.760 when I met her that day at Place to Beach, I was really seeing my child.

00:49:51.480 That's what I was thinking, like a life thing. Like, cause it was, it was a, it was

00:49:55.500 still, I've never felt that way about any woman. Like while I stopped in my tracks, like 0.63

00:49:59.280 this woman is like, I felt like this woman's going to be like my life. And that's what

00:50:02.320 it's turned out. Like I'm forever linked to her. Now we have two children. It doesn't

00:50:05.440 matter what happens between us and things are going good between us, but it doesn't

00:50:08.500 matter whatever the future holds. It's like we we're linked forever. So, and then we

00:50:14.780 broke up, we broke up, like we were co-parenting for years and then the pandemic

00:50:19.560 happened and we got back together. First time we had sex, we have now a second

00:50:23.540 daughter, my seventh month old daughter, Violet. So now, so, so, so it's just locked

00:50:29.240 in like that. And I think when you're talking about love, what I will say is that I feel

00:50:35.480 like now, like I, I, it, I never went looking for it like at all. It kind of just

00:50:41.140 organically happened. And I don't know necessarily what being in love is or what all

00:50:46.260 those, I think it's different things to different people. Yeah. But I know that

00:50:49.380 they'll never be me and Jasmine may not always be together. That may or may not

00:50:54.100 happen, but I, they'll never be a woman. Like she will always be priority number 1.00

00:50:57.760 one in my life, no matter what, you know, and my daughters, of course, you know, my

00:51:01.960 children are my children, but that's a different thing than talking about as a

00:51:04.400 grown adult woman. Right. She'll always be priority number one. Wow. Like I'd kill my 0.91

00:51:08.240 mom, you know, before I killed her or if I was going to, I'd kill them both at the 1.00

00:51:11.640 exact same time. Yeah. But I never kill my kids, but I would kill my stepson. 1.00

00:51:16.260 Yeah. Yeah. But probably not. He'll probably kill me first. Yeah. Well, I was just kidding. 0.99

00:51:22.220 I would never kill any of my stepson or my children. No, I don't think I could kill

00:51:25.660 anyone. Actually. I don't think I could kill anyone. You could know, because I'm, I am

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00:54:05.800 They helped me. They can help you.

00:54:08.440 Well, here's, here's, here's advice that I just received. I just received advice. So I have the

00:54:13.780 character on my podcast, on the Chrissy Kass podcast called TT Jerry.

00:54:16.860 Yeah, I know who TT Jerry is. So TT Jerry is, if you guys listen on the Chrissy Kass podcast,

00:54:21.580 TT Jerry is Jasmine's godfather, who's transgender, who's been in, was in prison for 25 years, was son 0.97

00:54:29.240 of Sam's prison bitch, as she describes for many years. Also had sex, sex with son of Sam, had sex 1.00

00:54:36.340 with the Amityville massacre, the Amityville Horror House. You never heard of that? 1.00

00:54:42.140 What's that guy's named Patrick or something?

00:54:43.440 No, his name was Ronald DeFeo. Uh, he, yeah. TT said that he, she used to, he used to let, uh,

00:54:50.120 she, she would let him jerk off to her. There was right now. So, so, you know, she had a knack for, 0.99

00:54:54.540 for killers. And so, so she told me those 25 years in prison. She told me recently on the podcast,

00:55:00.320 she said, if you went to prison, what I would tell you, if you ever went to prison, what you needed to

00:55:06.580 do is immediately say that you're trans. You would immediately need to start taking estrogen pills. 0.82

00:55:10.880 I'm not saying you have to cut your penis off, but you should take estrogen pills because then 1.00

00:55:13.760 they will move you to the transgender part of the prison and you're safe there. Cause she said, 1.00

00:55:16.980 if you go in with the general population, men, they're going to rape you and kill you probably 1.00

00:55:21.220 immediately. She was like, so I would start set, claim your trans and take, start taking estrogen 1.00

00:55:25.500 pills immediately. So that's just a little word of advice out there. Yeah. Cause I bite my nails

00:55:30.340 and I got to grow my hair. That's what you're saying.

00:55:33.580 Yeah. Or they say that that's good for women also. 1.00

00:55:35.560 Yeah. Biotin. Biotin. Biotin. I think it's called biotin. Yeah. She told me to take estrogen to fully

00:55:41.920 start growing. Yeah. She knows. Look, yeah. I shouldn't have said anything, but she, but now that

00:55:45.720 she's in our life, you know, she's really helped us, me and Jasmine through some of our problems

00:55:49.900 we've been having. She's helped us because she's like, Hey, I've actually been in prison. I've actually

00:55:53.580 been in solitary confinement. Don't make your life a prison when you guys are free. Just support each

00:55:58.160 other. You have two beautiful children. Don't have, you guys make up, you put yourselves in these

00:56:02.700 prisons. She was like, I was for real federally incarcerated. So don't do that. So that was a

00:56:07.160 big thing. But, but about the love thing is, is, is I think if you don't look for it, I do believe

00:56:12.600 love, you know, this is, this is gay and I love cock when my dad's asleep. But what, what it is, 0.99

00:56:18.980 is if, if love finds you, you don't find it. I think the people that go looking for it,

00:56:22.740 it's a forced thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. And also who would be better, who better to do

00:56:27.800 relationship advice than somebody that's trans, somebody that has a relationship going on inside of

00:56:31.320 their body. I was going to say that, that she sees both sides. She comes at it from both sides.

00:56:34.900 Dude, why are we not using trans people to help us do marital advice and support? Because they are a 1.00

00:56:42.220 man and a woman. They, nobody could sort it out at once than the original recipe. And sometimes the 0.97

00:56:48.280 best times with T.T. Jerry is when sometimes she goes like Minotaur. She goes half man, half,

00:56:52.700 sometimes she'll be wearing like. And what sharpens her feet? No, no. I remember once recently,

00:56:56.680 she was wearing one of my sweatshirts from the Denver Comedy Works. Oh, they're nice. They do that.

00:57:00.780 Yeah. She was wearing my sweatshirt from Denver Comedy Works and Jasmine's high heels and my

00:57:04.540 six-year-old daughter's pants. So she was, she was fully like, it was crazy, you know? Cause that's

00:57:10.640 the thing about dating a Puerto Rican woman is, you know, when I'm folding their laundry, I don't know 1.00

00:57:14.740 what clothes are my six-year-old daughters and what clothes is their mother's. Oh, the whole culture 0.88

00:57:17.960 is bedazzled. Cause they wear very tight clothes. Yeah. Small clothes. Yeah. You know? And the good thing

00:57:22.500 about Jasmine is her mother's beautiful. So, so you know, like long-term, you know, cause I, cause my father's a

00:57:27.440 very, my father's a very weird looking man. He almost looks, he looks like he's upside down.

00:57:31.780 Like he's, he's got different part. Like he almost looks like he was assembled when God was drunk.

00:57:36.300 You know, I don't know. God was doing something. I think we can see him on your Instagram. Yeah.

00:57:39.020 Yeah. He's a hideous looking man, Tampa Tony. So Jasmine has brought that up. Like, you know, 0.97

00:57:43.580 you're, you're going to really fall apart soon. You know, my dad looks like Fred Flintstone.

00:57:47.080 Yeah. So, but Jasmine's mom is, is beautiful. So yeah, I recently posted him. If you look at,

00:57:52.100 his name is Tampa Tony. Um, there you go to the right. So if you see, he looks like,

00:57:55.720 you know, a lot of people think he's special needs and, um, you know, yeah. Yeah. He can't

00:57:59.920 smile. Can he? Yeah. And he can't smile. And, and, you know, he's wearing diabetic socks and he was

00:58:05.120 in Tampa last night. I was at the Tampa theater and he was telling, he was asking girls to look

00:58:09.300 at his Tampa socks. He said, how's my drip on these Tampa socks. But yeah, so that's my father. So

00:58:14.240 he's not, you know what I mean? He's kind of looks like he's, he's falling apart and he's got a lazy

00:58:18.460 eye. So I get when Jasmine's like, I don't want to be with you long-term because that's what I will

00:58:22.720 turn into. He gets a little Shawshank around the boots. He definitely seemed like he has that

00:58:26.620 fresh out of prison stance. He wears referee sneakers. A lot of people don't know how to

00:58:30.600 stand when they get out of prison. Yeah. So that's how my dad is. So, um, and, but here,

00:58:35.300 Catherine Narducci likes it. She's from, uh, Goodfellas. That's beautiful. She's the wife

00:58:39.100 from Goodfellas. So shout out Catherine Narducci. That's cool, man. Um, so, so yeah, dude, so I think,

00:58:43.340 so I think, I think I will say that having a family, yeah, he's good, man. He's got one of the

00:58:48.420 tiniest penises you've ever seen in your life, man. Tiniest? Truthfully, man, where it's like, 1.00

00:58:52.420 it was a little bit of a thing where I used to think my dad just was balls. Like, cause we would 0.95

00:58:56.900 take showers as, uh, you know, take a shower at your dad once in a while. And, and, um, you really

00:59:02.140 truthfully, like, I'm, I'm very blessed. I don't have his penis. Very blessed. I remember taking a 0.99

00:59:06.440 shower at my dad cause my dad was probably 76 or something, 75 when I shower for 74, maybe when I

00:59:13.680 shower with him. I don't know. What year was your dad born? 1910. 1910. So did he fight in World War II?

00:59:19.380 No. Or World War I? Did he, was he a late, late addition? He was born in Nicaragua. He didn't

00:59:24.460 have, uh, he didn't have a, they were neutral American war. I think, I mean, they were having

00:59:30.140 Nicaraguan. He's half Nicaraguan. So his mother was, I guess, but he had people like were eating 1.00

00:59:37.540 dirt in his village and stuff like that. Right. 76 years old. It was pretty sad. He said it was pretty

00:59:42.560 sad, but people were eating dirt. But, um, yeah, no, I know, dude. So I think that dude, I think,

00:59:49.080 you know, if this was about love today, I think that, um, I, I will say this, I will say that having

00:59:55.160 a family, it does make all my problems that I used to complain about seem very minuscule. Like I don't

01:00:01.660 care about, like, I love comedy. It's my career. It's, but I don't get all bent out of shape. If I

01:00:05.920 don't get an audition, if I don't sell this many, if I don't do that, I'm like, yo, I just go play with

01:00:10.320 my kids, man. Like my kids, your kids bring you back. I think you have to have something that

01:00:13.880 grounds you. I'm not saying you have to have a husband, a wife, and kids, but you have to have

01:00:16.220 something that gets you outside of your work. Like Japanese people, they are so identified. They

01:00:21.320 are, they have Japanese people have a very, very high suicide rate for people over 65, because when

01:00:27.100 they retire, they usually kill themselves because they were just identified by their job. So I identify

01:00:31.580 myself as, you know, a father. And then like, then the other stuff is comedy and this and that.

01:00:36.460 But I think having the kids, it's actually a saving grace because I don't,

01:00:39.920 the problems that I just, even like old relationships, I just don't care. I'm like,

01:00:44.340 right. Like even I have a friend right now, he's going through, he's like agonizing over,

01:00:49.760 should he get a divorce from his wife or not? But they have no children. I'm like, buddy,

01:00:53.180 do it. It'll be over in an hour for you. Like, you don't even have kids, man. Like just get out of

01:00:57.600 it. You're making, you're, you're putting yourself in this prison. Like you don't have children.

01:01:02.420 Right. If you have children, it's a lot harder. If you don't have children, it's like,

01:01:05.480 just move on with your life. For me and Jazzy, it's been harder times because we're like,

01:01:09.520 what are you going to walk away from your kids? Like, you know, my six-year-old daughter says,

01:01:13.400 when, when you're not here, I get scared, daddy. So what am I going to, I'm going to go stay in a

01:01:17.500 Ramada because I want to get some side puts. No, you can't do that. You got to go in the,

01:01:20.920 in the guest bathroom and jerk off because I'm not going to have my kids scared and I'm going to be 1.00

01:01:25.120 in the Ramada with a side piece. Would you wait till your children are asleep before you'd 0.98

01:01:27.940 masturbate for sure? Um, yeah. 1.00

01:01:30.720 And I don't even know if we can legally talk about that. Can we? What do you mean?

01:01:34.380 Isn't it insane to talk about that? No. Yeah. You know, you never masturbate in front of your

01:01:37.480 kids, of course. No. Yeah. And why would you even say that out loud? That's kind of, I mean, 0.98

01:01:41.920 it's, they're my kids, you know, like, and actually they were it. Yeah. So it's like,

01:01:46.880 yeah, it's just taking them back to the old shop. You know, you know, the government getting

01:01:50.460 involved in family matters is a very new thing for most of American history. The government could not

01:01:56.560 get involved in a family matter. Like if, if, if, if you killed your wife, that was up to the family.

01:02:01.360 If they wanted to, if the family said, Hey, we want to prosecute you. All right, fine. But the

01:02:05.000 government couldn't just step in and do family. It was family. George Washington's era. You could

01:02:10.540 do whatever the hell you wanted. Missing wife central dude. Missing wife central. I think, uh, 1.00

01:02:15.680 the, well, once they made it illegal for you to have a graveyard on your premises,

01:02:20.340 is that truthfully illegal? That's when it started to get really, really strange. Yeah.

01:02:24.580 Interesting. That's very, very, very interesting because yeah, dude. So what do you do with your

01:02:29.120 family? What's, but I mean, what do you, what, so, so, so you, you think why, let me ask you this.

01:02:34.300 Why do you want to fall in love? Do you think it's going to save you? Is it just, you're at a point

01:02:37.500 in your life where you don't want to be alone? I think there's some things like, there's some

01:02:40.560 things you just said. It's like, I think for one, people are always like, get a pet, get a wife,

01:02:45.620 get a something, get a kid. You know, I almost wish a girl would show up with a kid that I have. And I don't,

01:02:50.460 you know, in a weird way, not like I didn't want to be there for the few years, but,

01:02:53.600 um, yeah, I just think I need some, I just want something different in my life. So I'm not going

01:03:00.440 to like settle for some weird thing or, you know, you know, come and somebody I just met at a 0.95

01:03:06.000 fucking, you know, some Irish, you know, I don't recommend her volleyball deal. Yeah. But I mean, 1.00

01:03:11.820 but maybe that is the way to do it. I think some of it is just about just doing it. Like one of my

01:03:17.120 friends, I'm always like, man, I think I have trouble in relationships. And my friends, like you have

01:03:20.040 trouble in relationships until you do a relationship. So it's like, you just have to do it. And so

01:03:25.620 that's kind of where I've been. I recently, I took a break from dating in, um, December.

01:03:32.160 Okay. I took a complete break from dating and interacting with, uh, females. So that kind of 0.99

01:03:38.700 helped me get at least a little headspace. Cause I would just, I just been kind of frenetic for years,

01:03:42.600 just kind of like one girl to the next. Yeah. You just don't really think of like,

01:03:46.860 what's important. You know, you just kind of get used to just messaging and doing this and that.

01:03:50.660 And then you're just kind of, I wasn't intentional. Right. So now I'm just, I'm, I'm starting to get

01:03:57.400 to a place where I like to be more intentional. So I just think like, yeah, what would be new things

01:04:01.940 in my life? Something that would be new would be being in a loving, committed relationship.

01:04:07.440 Does that woman need to be vaccinated? I do not care if that woman's vaccinated. 1.00

01:04:11.280 Okay. So she doesn't have proof of a vaccine card. She doesn't have to have the booster.

01:04:14.880 No. Okay. That's good. Because then that widens the playing field.

01:04:19.040 Oh yeah. If you say, I'm only going to have vaccinated women, it's just tough right now. 0.86

01:04:24.380 You know, cause I think most of the women that you want to deal with are not vaccinated. 1.00

01:04:28.680 Yeah. I'll go non-vax. You didn't mean it, you know,

01:04:31.140 Cause it's, it's, it's, it's becoming quite clear that it's very difficult to deal with,

01:04:35.780 you know, a very ultra liberal woman. They're very, you want to go Republican. If you're looking 0.95

01:04:41.140 for love and a relationship, if you're looking for a one night of fun, then I would say you can go

01:04:45.000 more liberal. But if you want to, I mean, a woman who's going to be by your side, then I think you

01:04:48.800 want to go Republican. Yeah. Is what I, is what I would recommend, or at least someone who leans

01:04:52.820 right. They don't have to be ultra right wing nut job, but I would say their priority should be to

01:04:57.560 the right because it's becoming clear that the, you know, the people to the left, it's just, it's a

01:05:01.220 losing battle. You know? Well, some of it over there is getting weird. I mean, whenever you get way out on

01:05:05.920 the fringe, it gets really weird, but that's one of the reasons why I got a place in Nashville during

01:05:10.480 this pandemic. It was like, it was normal there. Like there was no, nobody was masking, nobody's

01:05:16.880 doing like, no, it was normal. And it's been fine. It's fine. So that was like, you know,

01:05:22.180 Rogan asked me, why'd you move there? And I couldn't, I mean, taxes are, you know, there's no

01:05:26.160 state taxes and stuff in here. You know, they might even move them up to 18% in California, but I know

01:05:31.120 New York and California, the worst. I know. But then also there's a lot of great things about living in

01:05:35.120 those places. So it's like, you get it. Yeah. You don't want to, you know, but yeah, I would say,

01:05:40.500 I would say if you're looking for love, but it was just free there, you know, I was like, Oh,

01:05:43.980 I want to live in a place that was free. And it felt strange when I came to other places and like

01:05:47.840 people. No, stay with it. I would, I would try for you, man. If I'm being honest with you,

01:05:52.620 just like, just vibing it as a, as a pretty, I need my friends to be honest with me as a pretty mature

01:05:57.640 guy. Like, uh, you know, or the most, you do as the most mature in my life and being a father and just

01:06:03.760 being knowing what I think, just being truthful is for me, man, when I look at you, I think you

01:06:07.720 would, you want a right-leaning woman who's from Wyoming. I think you want a state like a Wyoming 1.00

01:06:13.040 or an Idaho. You want someone like that. You don't want, you don't want someone who's in 1.00

01:06:17.540 entertainment. You know, you don't want someone, you know, and you don't want someone who's storming

01:06:21.680 the Capitol. I think you'd like a nice, just like, like, like watch that show Yellowstone and a woman 0.99

01:06:26.700 like that is what you want. Maybe some, maybe you could contact Kevin Costner and see if there's an

01:06:30.340 extra or something like that, who's single and available in Montana. Yeah. I think that would

01:06:33.860 work for you, man. I could see you with that because you're, and they're tall too. And windburn,

01:06:38.840 a lot of them have windburn on their face. A lot of them have windburn. Yeah. And I think that,

01:06:41.620 you know, they would cook a lot of the stuff that you like to eat, like ferret and whatever other,

01:06:45.920 you know, cause it's from Louisiana. So, you know, you guys eat- Grittle cake. Grittle. They know all 0.84

01:06:49.660 that stuff. Ooey gooey pie, whatever that crazy shit is, you know, cause we have to play pretend a lot, 0.99

01:06:54.240 like with a lot of these places, like they're real places, you know, but I don't think with the pandemic- A little bit of dove. 0.99

01:06:59.020 Yeah. So, you know, like you just, you know, so, so I think that, I think that, um, that's who I

01:07:05.060 would go with, uh, if I was you, you know, and I think that you'll find it, man. You seem like you're

01:07:10.160 in a happy, healthy place. When I saw you, your cheeks look good. Really? Yeah, you did. You look

01:07:13.840 good because I saw the one, one time I saw your cheeks look sunken in. Like I was almost like, man,

01:07:18.220 does Theo have AIDS or something? Like Gaunt, like Horace Gaunt. Yeah. But now you're good, man. You look

01:07:22.240 healthy, you look good. And your hair looks good. Your hair looks like you're using Pert Plus or something. Really? Yeah.

01:07:25.940 Your hair looks shiny, man. Like I know you're using conditioner. I've been feeling bad about it,

01:07:29.760 but not really bad about it. I'm just grateful to have some hair right now. Uh, yeah, man. I think

01:07:33.920 I have COVID. What? I just feel body aches, dude. Do you? Yeah. But I haven't gotten it once. You've been

01:07:38.780 through a lot though. Yeah. Yo, but I've been in the room with COVID like 15 times, man. Dead ass. Did you

01:07:44.380 ever get it? No, I got the antibodies. Yeah. So. Did you get the booster? Um, I'm sure I've missed.

01:07:51.500 I'm sure I've missed some shots. Yeah, dude. Yeah, me too. I had a fake one for a while,

01:07:56.960 but then I just, I had to get the juice. Yeah. I think it's like, look, I don't know. I don't,

01:08:02.500 I don't even want to get in all that, honestly. Yeah. You can't right at this point. Well,

01:08:05.920 you can't make public statements. Well, I just don't, I'm just overhearing it. It's like,

01:08:11.640 what, you know, I can't fathom. They're going to get people to go get some other booster. Are they,

01:08:16.420 what are you fucking insane? At this point, it's like, you're literally just throwing dart. You're 1.00

01:08:20.440 literally just stabbing people at a CVS. You know, like it's getting wild. That's what it is.

01:08:24.720 Yeah. No, I'm waiting for the next one, man. Even people that believe in it, don't even believe

01:08:28.860 in it now. Not anymore, dude. You know, even AOC's out there with no mask on. You know,

01:08:33.040 like nobody gives a shit. Yeah, dude. One of my friends used to hook up with AOC. Really? 0.99

01:08:38.300 The bar she used to work at. Yeah. Wow. He said, she's really not like that. He said,

01:08:41.800 deep down, she, she's Republican. Wow. Really? It's crazy, right? Yep. I, yeah, I think,

01:08:46.840 well, there's a lot of identifying people that want to be just a, you know, they want to be

01:08:51.200 something and they, I think a lot of people out of fear too. Their boss is a certain thing and they

01:08:55.640 feel like they have to be that. Right. Yeah. But it's funny when we're talking about 2015 and even

01:09:00.320 before that, it's like, I don't think people care. It's so crazy how divided people got. I know.

01:09:06.380 I know. Because you know what it is, man. When you think that you let, when you, but when you really

01:09:09.780 think that you let a, some political thing divide you from your own family members and a lot of it's 0.96

01:09:16.940 just things you heard or, you know, it's like, it's not like real shit between you and them. It's 0.98

01:09:21.600 just like pieces that you both heard on social media and stuff and just fuel. It's kind of crazy.

01:09:27.040 Well, you know, my father said this in 2008, 2009, you know, this is a man with an eighth grade

01:09:31.040 education, but very street smart. And as you can tell, you know, maybe, you know, as a special needs

01:09:34.700 man. And he was saying that he said in 2009, he said this, this Twitter thing is going to be the

01:09:40.140 worst thing that ever happened for this country. And I was like, why? He's like, because not

01:09:42.960 everyone's supposed to be talking and it's come out to be true. Social media is like, not everyone's

01:09:47.860 supposed to have an opinion. This is not, this is not what it is. He's like, you can't let the whole

01:09:51.700 world talk. And I'm like, it's pretty true because now you get people galvanized little sections of

01:09:57.140 them. And then they do big things where it used to be, you know, these people's ideas would just,

01:10:00.960 they would get shot down at a, you know, at a cafeteria in Biloxi. It wouldn't go

01:10:04.660 any further than that. Right. But now it's like that cafeteria in Biloxi, you know, you can get

01:10:08.120 that to thousands, millions, billions of people. Yeah. So it's problematic. But I think we're, I

01:10:12.340 think we're going back in the right direction. I think, I think, um, I think we're going to be

01:10:16.240 all right, man. I think once Biden dies of natural causes, it's going to be all right. You know,

01:10:20.940 because I think they're going to have to push him. They're going to have to do something with him.

01:10:23.840 You know, I don't want him to die. I think he's okay, but I don't think.

01:10:27.600 It's like watching old yeller. Yeah. I think, I think that the United States is like, I don't think,

01:10:31.660 I think that the powers that be are going to, they're going to say, you know, they might just

01:10:35.700 get Lee Harvey Oswald back, back, you know, it might get the juices flowing again. Oh, to assassinate

01:10:40.820 it would be easy. Just, you know, it'd be, you just don't, you just, you just don't give him his

01:10:44.900 pills that morning. It's just, I don't know. But also government has become such a, that's not even

01:10:50.380 our government anymore. Facebook is our government. Twitter is our government. Like those are the

01:10:55.020 things, the ruling entities. The rest of this is just bull. It's like trial by Twitter. It's,

01:10:59.420 it's people just arguing about some bullshit, you know? Well, it's become state's rights. That's why 0.99

01:11:03.260 when you, you know, you live in a place like Tennessee or Florida, you live a different life

01:11:08.100 than you do other places. Like I've never thought I would ever want to even consider leaving New York.

01:11:13.020 Yeah. But this, there's a very simple thing. Like in New York, my six-year-old has to wear masks

01:11:17.200 in her classroom all day. And she hates it. I hate it for her. I hate it for her social people. I'm not

01:11:22.480 worried. The breathing is like whatever, but her, you can't deny, like when my child doesn't see her

01:11:26.480 friends, when you see someone's full face, you get an, uh, you know, her brain is forming. She

01:11:31.200 could see people smiling. She doesn't understand reactions. It's unharming her. Where if I just

01:11:34.600 moved her, you know, a thousand miles to the South in Florida, she's living a free life. Like it's

01:11:39.560 2019. So you're getting there in your career where you can do that. It's make, I make, I have to make

01:11:43.560 like an honest decision. If in the summer, this summer, they're like, Hey, we're going masks on again.

01:11:47.660 Then I'll, I don't want her to live like that. And I'm not anti-vax or anti-science or I'm not a

01:11:53.000 right-wing nut. I kid around, but like, seriously, I'm like, that's a simple thing. That's a very easy

01:11:57.360 thing for me as a parent where like, I just don't want my child wearing a mask anymore. I don't.

01:12:01.700 Well, I just, I think the whole thing's interesting how none of the, so like none of the social effects

01:12:06.660 of this have come into any conversation. There was never any big conversation. The fact that if we shut

01:12:12.100 everything down, we're going to have hundreds of thousands of people that are going to die from

01:12:18.260 addiction, from loneliness, um, all the people that probably seniors that died of heartbreak 1.00

01:12:24.160 because they couldn't see their fucking family. It's like, and that a lot of that stuff is 0.98

01:12:28.160 unquantifiable. And I bet, I really believe that it could be more than the amount of people that

01:12:35.320 died from COVID in America. Anyway, a hundred percent. I really believe it just because for

01:12:38.460 me, you know, it's my own thing. I have six friends that overdosed and died during the pandemic,

01:12:43.080 completely dead, gone off the earth. Right. I don't have, I don't know anybody that died of COVID.

01:12:47.280 That's just me. It's my own world. But if they had AA meetings that were open and recovery houses

01:12:55.200 that were open, it might not have been the same case for some people. So I don't know. I agree.

01:12:59.280 I might have a different chip on my shoulder. No, but it's a, it's a mental health issue. Like

01:13:02.900 in New York, I saw the other day, I saw a guy in the middle of the day, uh, it was like a homeless

01:13:08.840 man. And he started, uh, like I saw this full, he started like a full spray shitting, like 0.98

01:13:14.740 diarrhea-ing on a brick wall, right, right near Penn station in New York city by Madison Square 0.97

01:13:19.160 Garden. Like just full shitting on a brick wall. Yeah. Like it was crazy, dude. Like wild, wild 0.99

01:13:24.280 behavior. Like just nuts. But people are desperate when you're spraying your, something out of your

01:13:29.380 body onto a wall to like get a message across. That's desperation. Spray shit. And a woman was 1.00

01:13:34.920 walking by and I, cause I was stopped. I was like, Oh my God. And a woman was walking by and she 0.95

01:13:38.760 called him gay or something. No, she walked up to him and she goes, she called me gay for

01:13:43.420 no reason. And she goes, and she walked up to him and she goes, she goes, excuse me,

01:13:47.240 sir, put on a mask. And I was like, I mean, this guy spray shitting against the wall and 0.70

01:13:52.140 you're worried about his COVID status. Like, you know, like, it's just like we're outdoors

01:13:55.920 in public. Let them, you know, it's a mental health issue. Like the people who are the most

01:13:59.760 afraid have all three vaccine shots, probably two boosters. They wear six masks and they're the

01:14:05.760 ones that are terrified. And I'm like, it's a mental health issue. It's clear. It's a mental

01:14:09.700 health issue now. Right. You know? Yeah. It's interesting, man. Well, it's just the mental

01:14:14.440 health side of it is really interesting. And a lot of that hasn't really been explored and it'll

01:14:17.900 all be looked at probably years down the road. But the thing is, I think Dr. Fauci is like,

01:14:21.420 just like cute. You know what I mean? Like, I like seeing Dr. Fauci. I know his science is what

01:14:26.540 it is, but it's like, he's just a small Italian man. Like somebody's no, no, you know, like, 0.99

01:14:31.300 yeah, like he just comes out there with like a wooden spoon and we'll, you know, he'll hit COVID with a

01:14:35.600 newspaper. You know, like, like I, I like him. I guess he does have a cute ambiance. Yeah,

01:14:41.480 man. Like he looks like if a tortellini became a national health doctor, you know, like, like,

01:14:46.260 I like him, man. But he lost when he threw out that pitch at the national game. Yeah. He stinks

01:14:50.200 at baseball. Yeah. Which is crazy because a lot of those Italian guys who grew up in Brooklyn, 0.82

01:14:54.300 they play stick ball and Joe DiMaggio. Yeah, dude. So he's, he's, he's, he's a Shremsky. 0.52

01:14:59.620 Yeah. Italian. Call you Shremsky. No, Polish. Sounds Polish, huh? Yeah. I think 0.96

01:15:03.560 you Shremsky's Polish. Yeah. Yeah. One of my friends, uh, Polish guy, he just had a baby.

01:15:09.700 Wow. He was a guy actually, he got circumcised at 19 years old, man. Showed up to school on

01:15:14.600 crutches, man. Ooh. Yeah. And he did it for a girl that didn't want to uncircumcise. Just

01:15:19.640 pierce your ears. That's what I said. And then she dumped it about two weeks later. Fucked 1.00

01:15:23.860 his dick up, man. His dick was swollen. It was, it was bad, dude. You ever pierce your own 1.00

01:15:28.220 ears for a woman? Pierce my own ears for a woman? No. I mean, the craziest thing I did is I got a 1.00

01:15:34.520 woman pregnant because I felt inferior to her ex and I started a full life. I locked myself into 1.00

01:15:40.400 in woman for the rest of my life just to get even with a guy who I don't, I just saw once on

01:15:46.220 Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool though. Yeah, man. I go for it, man. Yeah. I think you do. Shoot

01:15:51.420 or shoot. I take swings, dude. Shoot or shoot, man. I want to be, that's where I want to be. I want to 1.00

01:15:55.540 be the guy that's willing to ejaculate in somebody I just met. Yep. I did it, man. And 1.00

01:16:01.080 that's why, that's why like I, there's, um, you know, I'm proud of a fearlessness, you

01:16:05.100 know? Yeah. I'm proud of it because I'm like, I'm like, you know what, man? Like if I'm

01:16:09.200 going to get a woman pregnant who I barely even know just to get even with her ex that 0.52

01:16:14.120 I barely, that I flat out don't know that I've created in my mind, then yeah, dude, I'm

01:16:20.060 going to take a chance on a joke. I'm going to add a show that I probably shouldn't have

01:16:23.820 added. I'm going to make a ticket price. I don't give a fuck. Go for a new America, 0.98

01:16:27.960 dude. Christopher Columbus. Dude, Columbus. You got this, dude. I'm taking big swings,

01:16:32.200 dude. I'm taking big swings. Big semen swings. And that's what you have to do, man, especially

01:16:37.400 in our careers. Like, you got to take big swings, dude. Yeah. I got to get on the Joe

01:16:41.540 Rogan show too. Yeah. Have you been on it once? Never once. Oh, you'll probably, it'll probably

01:16:45.120 be right around the corner. No, but you know what, dude, I'm proud of. You're doing great

01:16:48.140 without it. I was going to say, I'm proud of, of, of the ticket sales and all that and

01:16:52.080 the people have been coming out to see me without any Rogan appearance. I'm proud of

01:16:54.860 that. Yeah. You know? So I don't know, but you think if I ever do get on him, what, should

01:16:59.640 I take a swing at him just to like stand out? You know what I mean? No, I don't think that's

01:17:03.580 the move. Or like try to, or like kill one of his security guards or something. No, I'd

01:17:07.020 bring his head in like on a spike and be like, yo, start the show. You just puppet it. 0.91

01:17:14.360 We are live. Yeah. Um, but dude, you're killing, I mean, what else is going on? The thing is

01:17:21.280 with you, man, Theo is, is, you know, I was talking to Opie the other day. We used to

01:17:25.120 do the Opie and Anthony show or the Opie and Jim show at the time a lot. And I was talking

01:17:29.420 to Opie the other day and we were just talking about how, man, Theo is killing it. And we

01:17:33.500 were like, um, Opie misses you, man. He was saying he was, he wants to take a walk, me,

01:17:37.240 you and him around New York city, just to walk. Oh wow. I said, I said, if, if Theo's

01:17:41.000 ever in New York, I'm sure we, if he's got the time and we'll take a walk. I had so much

01:17:44.100 fun on there. That's when I was really cutting my own hair for about eight years and I went

01:17:47.580 on there. I remember that we had that back and forth where I said, you look like Eileen

01:17:50.700 Wuornos. You said I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it

01:17:54.660 was good back and forth. And then Carl was in the middle and Carl died, man. Everybody

01:17:58.880 else in there died. Carl died. And what's his name died? Vic Henley. Everyone on that

01:18:03.360 coquina. God. Yeah. Coquina. Vic was on the dust? I don't think, uh, Vic wasn't. No, I think

01:18:07.820 Vic, they said he died of a blood clot, which is interesting because

01:18:10.540 he died of a blood clot. And this was about April, I think of 2020, where he might've

01:18:15.100 been early COVID, you know, cause they were saying that COVID was causing blood clots

01:18:17.960 or it might've just been a rent. Vic had gotten hit by a car a few days before and wouldn't

01:18:23.120 go to the doctor. And Opie was like, you need to go to the doctor. Dude, you got hit by

01:18:25.980 a car, man. And he was like, I ain't going to the doctor. So there might've been a blood

01:18:29.960 clot forming in his body. I mean, got fully hit by a car. That'll clot your blood. If you

01:18:33.320 get hit by a fucking vehicle, dude, if anything's going to clot your blood, it'd be 1.00

01:18:36.780 that. That's a crazy thing, man, to get hit by a car. Uh, I remember, 1.00

01:18:40.540 uh, trying to steal my mom's car one time. And then like, it started, I was pushing,

01:18:46.540 I got the, but it was kind of uphill a little. And I didn't realize it would start coming

01:18:49.660 back. I wasn't going to be strong enough. And I got like sandwiched between it and another

01:18:53.520 car on my thighs. And it was just so much pain, dude. And I had these black bruises on

01:18:59.460 my legs for about two weeks. And I had to yell for help and shit. It was so horrible. 0.99

01:19:04.540 That sucks, dude. I remember one time I was driving me and my dad, I was in my dad's Oldsmobile 0.97

01:19:09.020 and all four of his doors opened up on the Verrazano bridge going to Staten Island. Yeah.

01:19:14.060 All four of the doors at the same time. It was wild. And I didn't have a seatbelt on. I was like

01:19:18.180 11. Yeah. My dad was just holding me. My sister fell out of buying a McDonald's out of an Oldsmobile

01:19:23.160 out of a cut, out of a Cutlass or something or a Delta Oldsmobile. Delta Cutlass. Delta 88. Damn.

01:19:29.580 Dude. Those bitches, those locks on those doors are weak. Weak as fuck, man. Weak locks. 1.00

01:19:34.320 I miss Oldsmobiles. Yeah. Pontiacs. I miss a lot of things, man. I miss a lot of things,

01:19:38.920 dude. Yeah. What else were we talking about? No, dude. We're just flowing, man. I felt

01:19:44.980 like this, this, you came at me and we were, we just started talking about love, which I

01:19:49.000 could talk about it all day because I think it's got many different definitions, dude.

01:19:52.220 Yeah. And I don't know if all your fans are like this. Maybe some of them tuned out, but

01:19:55.220 the ones that stayed, man, congratulations. Because, you know, it's a different vibe. We're

01:20:00.300 not still going to talk about jokes all the time. We're talking about love.

01:20:02.920 Well, yeah. Well, I think a lot of people want to hear that. Oh, I think, I mean, it's

01:20:07.560 just what I've kind of been like, not thinking about, but it's like, you know, you want to

01:20:13.800 see if it's out there. Yeah. You know, I want to see if it, yeah. And listen, dude, and maybe

01:20:19.340 it's only out there for you for a month or two or a year and then it goes away. But you

01:20:23.920 know, nothing lasts forever. I want to get that. I think I would like to get that marriage.

01:20:28.860 You want to get married. See, because I had children first, I don't want to get married.

01:20:33.120 Okay. If I would have gotten married and they have the kids, that's one thing. But because

01:20:37.100 I had the kids first, I don't see, to me, what I think of is marriage is, this is my

01:20:42.540 opinion, marriage is a piece of paper. It feels archaic. It feels like something you would

01:20:46.740 do. Like if you're very wealthy, like if you're on that show Succession, then you get married

01:20:50.340 because it's power dynamics. But this marriage thing now is just a piece of paper that some

01:20:55.520 guy made up that had to be a thing. It's not real. But children, like that's a type of marriage

01:21:00.880 from the universe. I can't explain. I'm forever locked in to my children's mother

01:21:04.960 now. And that's not, that's from some powers I don't understand. But the piece of paper

01:21:11.000 is like, that's just whatever state you live in. There's different rules. You got to pay

01:21:13.920 a guy. That's how I look at it. And some people will say, oh, that's a bullshit way

01:21:17.220 looking at your, you know, your, you know, that, that ain't cool. But I'm like that, 0.99

01:21:20.340 but, but that's how I feel.

01:21:21.780 That's heaven's eggs, dude. That's, that's children. I would like to have, I think then

01:21:25.500 some matrimony. I think I would like to then maybe just, even if I co-parented or something,

01:21:29.620 have like a loving environment that brought some children into the world.

01:21:32.800 I will say having children, man, it's, it's the most beautiful thing. Listen, it's all ego.

01:21:38.560 The thing is, it all stems from, it all stems from a degree of narcissism that everything,

01:21:43.060 you know, even mothers love, you know, the reason why you love your own children is because it's a

01:21:47.120 piece of you. Right. So, so that's okay to, I think, to accept that. You know, you can't put

01:21:52.860 yourself before your kids because you need to, you need to make sure you're healthy and strong

01:21:57.760 so you can be healthy and strong for your children. You know what I mean? Like, like, so,

01:22:01.900 so when some people are like, oh, my kids are everything, my kids are everything to me. They

01:22:04.860 truly are, but I have to be mentally and physically happy and healthy so I can pass it on to them.

01:22:09.600 So I'm always think every decision I make, I'm thinking about that, you know?

01:22:12.840 Yeah. See, I like that. I think I would like to just have something and I don't, I don't want

01:22:16.860 to do it because of that, but it would be nice to have something in the world that makes me less

01:22:22.040 self-focused. Yes. Because I think that's the only way that it popped like that, you know,

01:22:28.620 I can get outside of my own thoughts and ego is to, cause I can't, you know, I can't sit there and

01:22:34.140 commiserate all day about career or about something I said five years ago or about what are people

01:22:39.740 saying about me on social media? I can't commiserate about that because my daughter needs

01:22:43.620 to eat. Right. You know? And, and I'm like, this is the real important stuff. Yeah. Even

01:22:47.500 like, you know, on the social medias of the world, you realize like, all you have to do

01:22:50.980 is like, you know, when, I don't know, somebody's, you know, gets canceled or somebody gets a bad

01:22:55.620 review on a show, like all you have to do is, is delete that app and then it's gone. Yeah.

01:22:59.680 Because the real world for me is my children. As long as my children think I'm okay, I don't care

01:23:04.440 what anybody thinks of me. So it's a, it's like a superpower where sometimes people will

01:23:08.420 be like, wow, Chris, you say some crazy shit sometimes on stage. Like you ever get worried 0.99

01:23:12.240 about being canceled? I'm like, no, because I got my kids, man. And if you find, you take

01:23:17.040 my comedy career away, I mean, I'll just go be a physical therapist. I have a license.

01:23:20.820 Like, I don't want, I love doing comedy. I love this. I want this to be my life.

01:23:24.560 Yeah. But why not stretch a guy's leg out somewhere? You know what I mean? I might do both,

01:23:28.520 dude. As a matter of fact, when the pandemic happened, Governor Cuomo of New York,

01:23:32.920 former governor Cuomo of New York, he reinstated every healthcare professional's license that has

01:23:37.500 lapsed. As long as it didn't, as long as you didn't lose your license because you like killed

01:23:40.540 somebody, but mine had just lapsed. As a matter of fact, you ready for this in the state of New York,

01:23:44.820 when I got my license, uh, uh, reinstated in the state of New York, I was told that I was the only

01:23:50.760 male physical therapist who had had my license, my physical therapy license on, on a five-year

01:23:57.640 hiatus because that's only designed for pregnant women, for women who had had children and want to step 1.00

01:24:02.520 away and raise their kids and then come back. I was the only male on that. So there was all these

01:24:06.880 people that I was in the pregnancy base. I was, I was basically the pregnancy, you know, part of

01:24:11.440 the, you know, portion of the license. I, I, my license was treated like as if I was a pregnant woman

01:24:16.320 that had bore children. So I, so I got my license reinstated like that, like overnight in an email,

01:24:23.120 I got my full license. So I could legally, I could legally, I don't remember shit. 0.86

01:24:27.760 Yeah. Cause I'm urban planner, dude. And my degree was in urban planning and, uh,

01:24:32.680 What would you do if you could urban, you know, if you were going to plan something out in the

01:24:38.600 urban community, what would you do?

01:24:39.740 No, you plan like a neighborhood, you do neighborhood, you do shrubbery, you do like

01:24:46.160 if a postman's coming into the neighborhood, you tell him where to go first, how to do the

01:24:49.480 best routes. You do, uh, zoning. Yeah. You know, but urban planning, man. I don't think

01:24:56.800 I'm in, that's not, I don't think that's what I'm going to do. How long are we going? How long

01:24:59.920 are we going right now? How long do you normally do? Probably do another 10 or 15 minutes. Yeah.

01:25:04.980 You want to bring Dom in? Yeah. Come on. Dom, you want to come on in, man? Don DePetta coming

01:25:09.260 in. Come join us. Coming in in the batter's box, baby. Yes, sir. Come on, Don DePetta.

01:25:16.700 All right, here, let's get your camera set. Get you keyed up here, brother. Look at his

01:25:22.580 mustache, ladies. Oh yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, he said he wouldn't

01:25:26.140 shave it, man. He was going to shave it and then he said he wouldn't do it. Oh, really?

01:25:29.920 Yeah, he's not going to do it. I had a goatee and sideburns and then I shaved it. It was not

01:25:34.440 a good look, so I was like, let's trim it down. Yeah, going with different body hair is a unique

01:25:38.580 thing, you know, and there's only, the thing I don't love about body hair, there's only so many

01:25:42.040 places you can grow it. Yeah, like I don't, even like my pubic hair, like it's not like

01:25:47.860 a bush, it's stringy. Right. Like it's, like my pubes almost look like your hair, like long

01:25:53.580 mullet-like, but then I'll have bushy hair, like on the back of my neck and stuff. Don told

01:25:59.100 me at the Atlanta Punchline, you forgot your pants once. No, it was in Huntsville. Huntsville,

01:26:03.080 you forgot your pants. Oh yeah. Oh, I did actually. This was a while ago, yeah. And he had to give

01:26:05.760 you his pants. No, no, no, the opener. Yep, there was some guy living in a van. Remember

01:26:09.720 that guy? Yeah, dude. I saw that guy not long ago. He lives in Nashville, I think. Yeah,

01:26:13.980 I saw him performing, I think it was in Nashville. I saw him at a comedy show, nice guy. I think

01:26:18.880 he quit living in the van, but that guy lived in a van for a long time. And he wore his pants

01:26:22.320 on stage. I didn't have a choice, brother. Other man's pants. How'd you forget your pants?

01:26:25.820 And I hit him hard too. I think that's where I was opening for Funnymane. No, you, yeah,

01:26:31.520 I mean, he, he did like a one night thing and they bumped us. Uh, so I opened, you featured

01:26:36.600 and then Funnymane closed and he shouldn't have followed you. I think it was different

01:26:41.760 times. Yeah. I didn't really have a following then. I just starting to catch some, maybe

01:26:46.260 a little bit of opportunity. You took off right after that. Yeah. I got to tell you, by the

01:26:50.200 way, you look really tan on that screen there. Dude, you look so good. I was working out of

01:26:54.340 the, um, on a gym on a rooftop yesterday. Nice. So it's one of the only. Like a full gym

01:27:00.560 on a rooftop. Like they opened up a gym rooftop and you can be up there and do

01:27:06.000 weights. And so I was up there. Thank you though. So I think I got a little bit of

01:27:09.240 sun and I've been trying to wash my skin. Nice. Nice. So your head looks and your

01:27:14.400 hair look great. Yeah. I just want you both to know you look terrific. But my face

01:27:18.340 looks a little swollen today. No, not on camera. I don't know. It has the opposite

01:27:22.220 effect. Like you look fat in real life, but on camera. Yeah. You look like if you

01:27:26.080 discovered your skeleton, it would, they'd be like, Oh, this is like, you have a

01:27:30.480 prehistoric look. Yeah. Neanderthal head. Yeah. But you think women like that 1.00

01:27:34.880 though? Oh, I think it attracts them at a base level that somebody like me or

01:27:39.040 Dom can't replicate. Nice. Nice. Um, are you performing a lot, Dom? What's going

01:27:44.260 on? Yeah, man. Um, uh, yeah. At the funny bones and side splitters. I got side

01:27:48.760 splitters coming up. So I'm going to go, I'm going to go be in that, in that thing

01:27:51.800 with a tooth in the condo with a tooth. Oh, did you stay in that condo? Uh, Bobby

01:27:56.000 Jewel, the man that I, he, he sold it. So they have a new condo now. Thank

01:28:01.000 goodness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bobby was a legend down there. Oh, legend, man. I've

01:28:06.100 definitely. Yeah. Yeah. We've all been through it. I was in Tampa last night, man. I

01:28:11.000 went to a place called the Tampa pizza company and I got the fettuccine Alfredo

01:28:14.120 and it was awesome. Ooh. And I burnt my mouth on it. I still feel the effects of

01:28:17.660 that right now. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. But it was great, dude. I did the Tampa

01:28:21.040 theater. You ever do the Tampa theater? Um, gorgeous place, man. Haunted, but it was

01:28:24.900 gorgeous. I'm at St. Petersburg. I'm at St. Petersburg in a couple of weeks down

01:28:28.480 there. Yeah. St. Petersburg. Beautiful, man. And we're doing one night at the

01:28:31.560 improv actually too. Best way to do it. We got a night off. Yeah. So best way to

01:28:36.820 do it, man. I'm going to sign with your, I signed with your agent. Oh yeah. Well, it's

01:28:40.020 a week. Yeah. Cause imagine I didn't and my current agency is like, what? I might get

01:28:49.820 nervous, man. No, look, I think look good. At least I'm just grateful that we're able to

01:28:54.580 go places and do shows. Seriously. That's been the tough thing about living in Nashville

01:28:57.920 is that there's not a place to perform. So. Go to Zany's too much, right? Go to Zany's.

01:29:02.720 But you can't do it. It's not the same. It's not the same as having workout rooms where

01:29:06.320 you can go. Yeah. It's a headliner club. Like they're not, you can't just pop in like

01:29:09.200 you can at the comedy store or the comedy cellar. Well, you can, but it's like, it's like

01:29:12.680 a lot of, you know, people that go to a lot of shows. So you're seeing a lot of the

01:29:16.100 same people, which is fine. It's great. It's just not, it's not where I can go and

01:29:21.160 do three sets. Like, like this week, um, I probably did, uh, or last week I probably

01:29:29.140 did like 12 sets, you know, in LA. Yeah. Which for me, it's like, that's like a time

01:29:35.940 where I can learn. Like, I feel like by the 11th show, it's like, I'm cooking with

01:29:41.120 gas. Like I'm not, I have no fear that anybody in the joint is gonna. Are you back

01:29:46.160 here now? Do any better than me? Um, no, no, but I'm going to have to spend more

01:29:52.040 time here because I got to do more practicing. Good. Right. But your

01:29:55.320 permanent residence is not here. My permanent residence is not here. No, I'm

01:29:58.200 a legal resident of Tennessee. Wow. So you don't, so you, so you, Tennessee doesn't

01:30:02.120 have income tax either, right? There's no state, no state tax. Yeah. Right. Oh, so

01:30:05.820 you're good, man. Well, one of the blessings too, is just that if you go touring

01:30:09.360 out of there, they have all the tour buses and stuff. So that's really nice is just to

01:30:12.200 be able to like go do a string based out of there. It's like. Yeah. You can't

01:30:16.200 find a wife in Nashville, man. I probably can. There's some good, there's some nice

01:30:20.080 women there, dude. I think so. Find your girl with a piece of camo. What about 1.00

01:30:23.200 Puerto Ricans? Puerto Ricans are good wives, dude. And good mothers. No. Oh, I would 1.00

01:30:29.000 like something from another country. Yeah. What about Nicaragua? Go back to your

01:30:32.780 roots. I wouldn't, but I got to get down there. That's the thing. It's like, do I, you

01:30:36.340 got to get down there. You know, you got to plan. Hey, you got to be there for a couple

01:30:39.160 weeks. You can't stop, you know, you can't for, you know, hurry in a week, but I wouldn't

01:30:43.600 mind. I'm open to it. I'm going to start asking God, Hey God, I am willing to meet

01:30:51.220 someone. Are you dating mostly white women? I'm dating women that are some of them. A 1.00

01:30:58.520 good amount of them are white women. Right. But I am not sentenced to that. I'm okay to

01:31:03.760 any type of woman. Right. And a bodied woman. I have DMed with women that are all types of 1.00

01:31:11.300 women. You got to find a woman that doesn't know you. Yeah. That's harder and harder though, 1.00

01:31:15.140 man. Amish maybe. Yeah. Or go to China. Or mercenary. What is it called? The merc, the

01:31:21.680 method. Oh, Mennonite. Mennonite. Amish or Mennonite. Yeah. Cause they can't have, they can't 1.00

01:31:26.060 have electronics. Or Hasidic Jewish woman. That'd be a nice call for you too, man. 0.77

01:31:30.380 Hasidic Jewish baby. Yeah. We'll see. I mean, I'm open to, I'm open to anything. So you

01:31:35.940 got a lady right now now? Uh, no, no, no. Uh, recently no, but it's good. Dude, you're

01:31:41.560 going to find love though. You got a good heart. Yeah. I've always said inside about

01:31:44.760 both of you. Thank you. Very genuine. I'm not being. Well, he's already got love. This

01:31:49.140 guy's doing fine. This guy. Yeah. I got a lot of cholesterol, man. Yeah. In my heart. I

01:31:53.640 definitely am going to go home and probably have more popcorn like I usually do. And

01:31:58.640 popcorn's not terrible for you though, man. It's not terrible, but it's not a family,

01:32:01.760 you know? Right. It's not a, you know? Right. I get it, man. It's not that. So I'm not like

01:32:07.900 lamenting it. It's just like, I'm just getting to the point where it's like, okay, I'm feeling

01:32:11.260 like this is a possibility. Well, cause what are you, are you 40 yet? I'm 40. Yeah. Yeah.

01:32:15.700 So if you're 40, yeah. That that's one that, you know, you're the male's biological clock starts

01:32:19.540 kicking in. Yeah. You know? But I think you could do it, man. Especially because you look

01:32:24.400 like, um, you look like Matt Damon from the last duel. Yeah. A lot of people have been

01:32:29.100 tagging in that. Yeah. So, so I think like he had a wife, you know, and it didn't work

01:32:33.100 out really. She came with land though. She came with land. Ooh, huh? Yeah. One of them

01:32:37.640 acre babes, homie. Yeah. I like it, man. You'd look, it's like an Andre Agassi look from 0.96

01:32:43.240 when the 90, when he was winning though. You know what I mean? Dude, you're going to find

01:32:46.800 love. Thanks, man. 100%. Yeah. I think you will, dude. 100%. But here's the thing that

01:32:50.400 Ben Matthew is committing to the love when I get in some love. You just gotta, can you

01:32:55.600 accept love? I don't know. Somebody that sounded like a vote of unconfidence. Nah, dude, I'm

01:33:06.980 Whitney, bro. Really? Yeah, man. It's that Celsius live fit. It didn't sound like. It's that Celsius

01:33:12.700 live shit. It did not sound like you're into it. Yeah. Nah, dude. I'm into it. Like you believe 1.00

01:33:16.540 in me. It's just, it's deep, dude. You know, I, Delta food. Did you? Yeah. Oh, if you

01:33:21.920 eat at high altitudes, bro, that's all gas. Yeah. That's all gas, dude. Yeah, dude. The

01:33:28.500 fact that they even feed people at that altitude is insane. It's insane, dude. It's Japanese, 1.00

01:33:33.420 man. It's gotta, it's like a lithium battery. It's gonna explode. This thing is a game show.

01:33:38.700 Yeah, bro. It's such a fucking game show, man. Yeah, man. I think, I think love is, um, I don't 1.00

01:33:44.960 know how it's gonna happen for you or who it's gonna happen with. It might not, might

01:33:47.980 even be a female, but it's, it's happening. You know? I want a female. You want that, 0.93

01:33:53.120 but that might not be what the universe wants for you. You know what I mean? I'm not living

01:33:57.460 with some man, dude. I'm not living with some sexual man, bro. Dude, it's, it's one of those 0.98

01:34:03.180 things where, like I said, man, love finds you, you don't find love. And if it's a man or an

01:34:07.660 animal or, you know? Well, I wouldn't mind getting a pup or getting something like that to start

01:34:12.000 off the, the commitment, you know? And so that's what I'm thinking of, but I don't know

01:34:16.540 what kind of animal I would get that I would then, you know, want to saunter around with

01:34:20.380 to have to take around a lot. Cause it's not all about sex either. That's the other part 0.93

01:34:24.820 of the situation. Oh, that ship has sailed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm willing to do sex, but

01:34:28.320 that's also like, yeah, as you get older, it's not, it's just like, I want somebody awesome

01:34:32.560 to be around. Yeah. Weird how unimportant that comes. Yeah. I don't, I, you know, it's, yeah,

01:34:36.980 I don't care about it as much. I mean, you know, cause it's like, it's kind of like

01:34:40.420 you've done it enough where it's like, I, I, you know, when you masturbate, it's like, 0.90

01:34:43.580 that's the best, you know, that it is. Cause it's, it's all you, but so I don't need to 0.97

01:34:47.260 have sex anymore. And we burned it out as a society. We burned sex used to be that. It 0.96

01:34:52.420 was like that secret thing. And how are they going to do it? And you got to sneak, you

01:34:56.180 got to, somebody's got to draw a picture of how you do it. You know, when you're like,

01:34:59.780 you know, you, you don't even know what's going on. Somebody's behind you pushing you into

01:35:02.800 the woman. Like it used to be totally different. And now it's just like everywhere people, 0.98

01:35:07.120 there's ejaculate everywhere. There's advertisements to, to, to, uh, get more ejaculate 0.99

01:35:14.920 in your body. It's just like, what's it's all, it's just, we burned it out, man. Yeah. In 0.96

01:35:18.740 the civil war, they used to have, um, one of the generals, general hooker, that's where 0.98

01:35:23.800 the term hooker comes from is he would have prostitutes follow him. And even more so everybody 0.96

01:35:30.000 wanted to be in his platoon and they would fight harder for him because they had, uh, an artist

01:35:35.620 that they would protect at all costs that would draw women that they would meet on the road. 1.00

01:35:39.960 And that was like the porn and they would jerk off to that porn. It's crazy. Beautiful. And 1.00

01:35:44.360 sex is like, is, is, is all in, it's all intertwined. Like in history, like the French 0.99

01:35:50.340 when in world war II, when the French were getting invaded by the Germans, the French, they let them 1.00

01:35:55.920 have sex with women and prostitutes. And a lot of them were fighting with venereal diseases where 0.98

01:35:59.720 Hitler and the Germans said, you are not, if you have, if we catch you having sex with a woman, 0.99

01:36:02.860 you're going to get shot on the spot. So the Nazis didn't have STDs. That was one of their 0.97

01:36:06.840 biggest superpowers. Just meth. Where a lot, yeah. They, and they had panzer chocolate, which

01:36:10.820 was crystal meth, but that's what it was called. Panzer chocolate. Imagine doing meth and not being

01:36:15.360 able to have any sex though. Yeah, dude, it's crazy. So, but, but, but that's a big thing is, 0.97

01:36:20.640 is, is, is, you know, sex is, is intertwined with, with even our history. But if you remove

01:36:24.100 it, if you can remove the urge for sex, then you remove almost, you remove 99% of your

01:36:30.540 problems. Truthfully, you do. You know, it's all sex. Everything we're doing subconsciously

01:36:35.660 is for sex. Yeah. That's what it is. It may not, you know, sometimes it's right on the

01:36:39.740 open. Sometimes it's not, but if you can just say to my, and it's difficult, it's almost

01:36:43.440 impossible to do, but if you could do it, that's what monks do when they meditate. When they're

01:36:47.060 sitting there meditating for 20 hours a day, they're not getting to a deeper place. They

01:36:51.120 are basically just humming till they ejaculate. That's what it is. They're just basically not having 0.95

01:36:56.640 sex and thinking about sex. Yeah. That's amazing. You remove it. That's what eunuchs, that's why 1.00

01:37:00.040 eunuchs were so powerful because you had them, you know, the, the, the thought was you had the 0.99

01:37:03.940 aggression and the brain of a man, but you, you weren't, you weren't distracted by sex. That's

01:37:09.300 why they cut your nuts off. They can think clearly. Yeah. That's what that, that the eunuchs 1.00

01:37:14.080 would run the ancient priest. It's like right after you come. They will run the, exactly, dude.

01:37:18.300 They're forever. The eunuch had forever just ejaculated. And we've gotten in that place 0.98

01:37:23.180 of society where sex isn't even that big of a deal. It's just like, it used to be that big of

01:37:26.940 a deal. You needed 15 children. You needed the land. You don't need any of it anymore.

01:37:30.920 And also sexting and porn. Like you can just, you can, you can sext with the, uh, the opposite sex 0.93

01:37:36.820 and, and fulfill your needs. You don't have to put the insert in them anymore. They don't have to

01:37:41.620 jump on you. You don't have to. Well, that's one nice thing about taking a break from dating.

01:37:45.460 It had me a little bit of, there was a little bit of a reset from like, just that,

01:37:48.980 the pattern of like one, you know, like feeling like you have to.

01:37:53.920 Did you find, did you find more discipline in that or like more yourself, like more structured?

01:37:58.180 Oh yeah. I found like there was things that I liked to do that I'd just even forgotten about.

01:38:02.300 That's great. Right. Yeah, dude. I mean, if you can, if you can, if you, we don't realize how

01:38:07.040 distracted we are every day. Even, you know, sometimes I'll be at home with my children all day,

01:38:11.720 but I'll be on the phone scrolling or saying, I got to work. I got to think of it. And I realized I

01:38:16.800 haven't looked at my daughter's face in 10 hours. And it's like, you know, so now I try to just put

01:38:20.680 my phone away if I can, you know, unless there's something important, but then just put it on.

01:38:26.040 Now I'm like, I used to go for a long time. He'd say, I hate talking on the phone. Just text me.

01:38:30.460 But now it's the, it's come full circle for me. Now I'm like, I'd rather you call me too. Cause then

01:38:34.320 I can just get off the phone with you and I don't have to text and be, cause if I start texting you and

01:38:38.040 I get sucked in, but if I'm on the phone, I, I hang it up and I put it down. But if you're texting me,

01:38:43.360 I'm texting you and then I don't text. I'm looking at Instagram, looking at the news. I'm looking at the

01:38:46.660 same bullshit over and over and over again. And Siri has a lisp in her ears, dude. I, I've never 1.00

01:38:51.440 met an incapable woman as Siri or man, you know, whatever. I think it's, she's Persian. I don't 1.00

01:38:57.700 even know what she is, but I've never met anybody that doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about. 0.99

01:39:02.060 Yeah. She doesn't know at all. She's Chinese. She comes from China. 1.00

01:39:06.780 We know when you do the voice recognition thing, when you voice to text.

01:39:11.660 Unbelievable. Yeah. You might as well eat your own ass outside.

01:39:14.480 Dude. Yeah, man. Um, great to have you guys. Thanks for coming in. Um, which it's, where's 1.00

01:39:21.980 the tour at man? Tell me about it. So baby, listen, February 11th, I'm at the Warner theater

01:39:26.280 in Washington, DC, February 12th at the tabernacle in Atlanta. And then we got March 4th and 5th

01:39:31.820 in Cleveland at the Agora theater and Detroit at Royal Oak. Uh, uh, and that was Mr. Don DePetto

01:39:39.160 will be there. We got the Chrissy chaos podcast Thursdays, 11am Eastern time. Hey babe,

01:39:42.980 but sound volcano, um, Chrissy chaos Tuesdays, 11am Eastern time. Hey babe, Thursdays, 11am

01:39:47.660 Eastern time. Chrissy comedy.com for all my tickets. We're on a theater tour going all

01:39:52.300 the way to the end of April. And I appreciate you having me, man. And I hope that, uh, I

01:39:56.000 hope that we find love dude. And if, even if it's with this transgender, it doesn't have 1.00

01:40:00.320 to be a, a, a biological woman is what I'm saying. I think if you do that, then you're 0.98

01:40:03.760 closing yourself off and they don't have to be vaccinated.

01:40:05.880 I am not taking a lot. I am hope. I, I, I appreciate your hope for me and some of it.

01:40:12.240 I don't. Okay. I would like a woman and I am open to anybody. The universe brings me. I am open

01:40:17.620 to love. The universe is going to bring you a woman just for a couple of weeks. See, open it 0.99

01:40:21.440 up to more than that. See what happens. If I'm, if I'm gay, I would be shocked if I am gay.

01:40:26.160 Yeah. Yeah. But if I met a man one day and I was like, Jesus Christ, I love this man.

01:40:34.640 I don't know. I, I don't think I would be gay for him, but you just can't get past some certain 0.60

01:40:40.920 things. I get it. No, I want a wife is what I'm saying. Yeah. So that's even as much as I can even

01:40:46.040 think about it. I think, I think I don't mind being around somebody driving somewhere with a guy. If

01:40:50.220 we're going to a right, like we're all going somewhere. People are going somewhere. Yes. I'll ride with

01:40:53.380 this guy. This is my friend. I'll go somewhere with him. I'll talk to guys like this. I don't

01:40:58.580 want anything really beyond that in my life. But if you could use guys to help with women,

01:41:04.660 like I'm saying, don't just discount us. Like for example, I've said this many times. I fall in love

01:41:08.580 with men. I have sex with women. Right. Like we've had a stimulating conversation and I'm falling in 1.00

01:41:13.780 love with you guys, but I'm going to want to go home. I'm have sex with a woman. Right. So if that's 1.00

01:41:17.920 gay, that's gay. You know what I mean? I'm not. Maybe you're brain gay, but body straight. 0.99

01:41:22.360 There you go. Yeah. I'm brain gay. Brain gay. Maybe that'd be the title of this episode, 0.99

01:41:28.780 dude. Brain gay. Brain gay, body straight. I love it. Dom, where are you going to be at? 0.99

01:41:32.700 Where are we coming up? I got the dates in March with him. I'm going to be at SideSplitters

01:41:36.280 early June, like three through six. And dude, I'm just in town working a ton. Just, you know,

01:41:41.960 that's it. Where are you going to be? Where are you going to be? Where am I going to be? Let me see.

01:41:45.800 I am at, um, you gotta be something while you're going to be in, I'm at, I'm in Jacksonville on

01:41:55.340 February 2nd. I'm at St. Petersburg on February 3rd. Um, uh, on February 4th, I'm in Tampa or St.

01:42:07.580 Yeah. St. Petersburg. Uh, and I'm in Orlando February 5th. Nice. Then I'm in Rockford,

01:42:13.260 Illinois, February 25th and Chicago, Illinois, February 26th. That's going to be good, dude.

01:42:19.320 Yeah. And, uh, the Wilter in Los Angeles, May 7th. Some fun dates. So, um, yeah, grateful,

01:42:26.600 grateful you guys came in, man. Thanks for coming in and spending time today, man. I love it, dude.

01:42:30.900 Yeah. I'm excited about y'all getting out there and making people laugh. I mean,

01:42:33.620 y'all bring me a lot of joy. So thanks, man. Thank you, brother. Thank you.

01:42:37.220 Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be

01:42:43.960 cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can feel it

01:42:54.920 in my bones. But it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself

01:43:08.260 unwind. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shine on me.

01:43:23.980 And I will find a song. I will sing it just for you.

01:43:35.320 And now I've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my

01:43:42.320 hands. And these roads that I've been riding on, they're worn so thin that they're damn near gone.

01:43:52.400 And I guess now they just weren't built alone.

01:43:55.240 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be

01:44:01.400 sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure

01:44:06.260 your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't.

01:44:12.180 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages.

01:44:18.960 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long,

01:44:24.520 longer than anybody else. So great.

01:44:27.500 Hi, sweetheart. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 0.98

01:44:34.100 Ja mine. 0.99

01:44:36.340 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:44:39.500 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:44:41.600 Oh, no!

01:44:43.840 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:44:46.300 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:44:50.460 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:44:54.700 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:44:58.340 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:45:00.200 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - February 01, 2022

E378 Chris Distefano

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