This Past Weekend with Theo Von

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00:00:30.000 Gang, baby, gang.

00:00:33.880 Good to be here. Happy February, if you believe in it, if you practice it.

00:00:42.840 You know, I know that a lot of folks out there don't really, you know, the calendar isn't their thing.

00:00:49.920 They do, they just kind of go on time overall.

00:00:53.580 You know, start, finish.

00:00:55.820 You know, they just, they're more that headstone is really their thing.

00:01:00.400 That's their clock.

00:01:02.840 They're not on the calendar like we are.

00:01:04.920 But if you celebrate February and you believe in it,

00:01:09.500 then, then, then, then I'm similar to you and happy February.

00:01:21.940 You know, I was thinking when I was growing up, they had a fellow named Gene was his name.

00:01:27.680 And his name was Eugene.

00:01:31.640 But they didn't, people didn't, nobody thought much of him.

00:01:36.040 So they just called him Gene because they didn't want to, you know, probably waste the time on the,

00:01:41.120 on the, the baguette, the extra part of his name.

00:01:43.500 They just say, I'm calling him Gene, you know.

00:01:46.120 The fellow ain't worth the time.

00:01:47.400 And, um, and he had the thinnest skin.

00:01:53.720 I mean, damn, you wouldn't even, you'd ask him before you cut on a light bulb around him.

00:01:58.940 His skin just so damn thin.

00:02:00.720 I mean, just, my God.

00:02:04.300 You know, you could see, you could see what was going on.

00:02:08.120 You could see his heart had just pumped and it was heading to his hand and it was heading back.

00:02:12.840 You know, the blood, you could see it commuting in him.

00:02:16.220 Um, that's how he was just, his skin so thin, you know, if he was going to get a pimple,

00:02:22.640 hell, you knew before you could tell in advance, you just see it form.

00:02:26.800 It's just thin skin, really.

00:02:30.360 I don't know if maybe his, uh, you know, when his parents had made love or whatever,

00:02:35.140 they didn't really do it good enough or what, I don't know what happened.

00:02:38.400 You know, I'm not a scientist, but, um, but yeah, you'd see, you know, I remember one time he,

00:02:45.500 uh, tried to do a cigarette and he had to smoke it from so far away.

00:02:50.020 He had to just lean his neck out and get the tip of it because he couldn't get his body that close

00:02:54.920 to the flame because he'd feel that heat, you know, and he was always umbrellaed up.

00:03:01.120 People keep him umbrellaed up.

00:03:02.460 And so he couldn't do any outdoor sports, you know, Jean, you know, Jean couldn't do no outdoor sports

00:03:11.620 because the sunlight would just, he'd lose before he started, you know, he'd be at the starting line.

00:03:18.300 He'd write finish on that bitch and lay down.

00:03:20.360 He just couldn't handle the, cause his, he only had so much skin and that's who he was, you know,

00:03:26.400 and, and everybody thought he wasn't worth much.

00:03:30.800 You know, they didn't even call him his full name.

00:03:32.740 And then we kind of got to an age, I think it might've been nine or 11 or even could have been seven.

00:03:42.140 And when swimming was big, you know, people, you know, swimming, when I was really, you know,

00:03:48.840 swimming was just, you know, I didn't know anybody that had a pool till I was probably,

00:03:54.540 I don't know, maybe 13 probably anyway, swimming came out and Jean got in the pool.

00:04:05.520 Swimming was indoors.

00:04:08.160 And so the sun, the elements, they weren't, they, that, that wasn't an issue.

00:04:14.020 And dude, since he only had a few layers of skin, he probably had three and a half layers of damn skin on him.

00:04:20.580 You know, he was just so thin skinned that the water, you know, cause the body is what?

00:04:28.480 79% water probably.

00:04:31.340 You know, if you, if you haven't had anything to eat, I bet it's even a little bit more than that.

00:04:34.760 Once you put lunch in your body, I bet it probably drops down to about 79%.

00:04:39.220 But, uh, but anyway, once he, you know, so your body is that much water.

00:04:46.140 Once Jean got in the pool, man, dude.

00:04:50.580 It was, he was, his skin, there was nothing, no, there was hardly nothing between him and the water of the pool

00:04:57.720 and the water of his body.

00:05:00.220 And he was just like a damn, I mean, just like a little salamander, you know,

00:05:06.660 that had just won a damn scratch off and he was running that bitch back in there.

00:05:09.960 I mean, he would just, he, I mean, he just, uh, he's that good, you know, uh, it just took a while.

00:05:21.560 Sometimes sometimes it takes a while, you know, you don't know what, you don't know why whatever you're doing,

00:05:29.760 why it is or what you have.

00:05:32.400 You don't know why you have it.

00:05:39.040 You know, you don't know why you have it.

00:05:44.360 You know, you might have one arm and so, you know, forever.

00:05:47.060 You're like, damn, dude, you know, where's mother arm?

00:05:50.520 And then somebody comes along and just tells you to hold something.

00:05:57.880 Anyway, let's get into it, baby.

00:05:59.520 There you go, baby.

00:06:27.300 Well, I just moved off to Rocky Street

00:06:30.220 When the mayor came and said to me, he's on my car, brother.

00:06:36.120 And there you go right there.

00:06:37.620 That's Eddie, uh, that's Eddie Ninevolts with the come up.

00:06:44.180 And, um, yeah, good to be here.

00:06:47.280 Happy to be back on a solo episode.

00:06:51.020 Uh, thank you guys for your patience.

00:06:53.220 Um, what's been happening a lot,

00:06:56.140 a lot occurred over the past,

00:06:59.220 I think it's been maybe six weeks, uh,

00:07:03.040 since I was in here doing solo.

00:07:05.360 And, um,

00:07:06.960 I want to thank everybody for their support.

00:07:11.480 Uh, through messaging, through, um, mail.

00:07:16.080 You know, you know, we've got a lot of, uh,

00:07:19.380 you know, hard mail.

00:07:21.000 You know, um, you know, boxed,

00:07:24.720 boxed-eyed thoughts, boxed messaging.

00:07:28.000 And, uh, you know,

00:07:30.520 licked mail that people sent.

00:07:34.000 And, uh, I just want to say thank you for that.

00:07:35.860 Um, we'll do a, uh, anthrax challenge soon

00:07:39.960 and open that up.

00:07:42.180 And also, I want to thank you guys for, um,

00:07:45.600 I want to thank you for, uh,

00:07:47.680 just the support

00:07:48.780 and coming out to the shows

00:07:51.180 over the past six months.

00:07:54.080 You know, um,

00:07:56.140 as the tour was kind of getting its feet

00:07:58.320 and, you know,

00:07:59.580 the old special was coming out

00:08:02.060 and the new material was making its way in.

00:08:04.900 It was a lot of transition.

00:08:08.060 And, um,

00:08:09.960 and man, this weekend,

00:08:11.420 this past week,

00:08:12.500 we went to Florida

00:08:13.340 and I felt like it was,

00:08:15.760 the wheels were on, baby.

00:08:18.120 I felt like that thing was in four-wheel drive.

00:08:22.360 So, uh,

00:08:23.840 just thank you to everybody

00:08:25.060 that's come out in the different cities,

00:08:26.580 um, at the end of last year.

00:08:28.160 And just for the support.

00:08:30.460 I know a lot of you guys come,

00:08:32.060 you don't even care about the comedy.

00:08:33.700 You just care.

00:08:36.460 You just want to show support.

00:08:39.920 You know, and I feel that.

00:08:42.000 I want to let you know I feel that.

00:08:44.000 And, uh,

00:08:45.720 yeah, and just,

00:08:46.920 I want to thank a lot of you guys

00:08:49.360 just for loving my,

00:08:50.320 for, for, for, for loving me

00:08:51.660 when I couldn't even love myself at times.

00:08:54.960 You know, um,

00:08:57.100 I want to thank you for that.

00:08:59.840 So, uh,

00:09:00.720 it's hard for me to feel

00:09:03.380 that kind of a,

00:09:05.120 it's hard for me to feel it.

00:09:06.360 It's hard for me to feel

00:09:07.220 when people care.

00:09:08.780 But, um,

00:09:10.460 I'm doing my best

00:09:11.980 and I,

00:09:12.320 and I see it.

00:09:13.220 And, uh,

00:09:14.380 and thank you.

00:09:16.060 I just want to say

00:09:16.860 thank you very much

00:09:17.860 for that support.

00:09:19.100 Um,

00:09:20.400 what's going on, man?

00:09:22.920 Well, a lot.

00:09:24.360 Uh,

00:09:25.440 what have I,

00:09:26.340 so,

00:09:27.080 here,

00:09:28.420 I wrote down some stuff in here

00:09:29.740 so just so I could have some idea.

00:09:32.420 Um,

00:09:32.840 things to talk about.

00:09:33.860 How I spent my January.

00:09:35.880 So,

00:09:37.120 um,

00:09:38.340 well,

00:09:39.600 a lot of things.

00:09:40.300 I mean,

00:09:40.560 I,

00:09:40.940 I,

00:09:41.280 I mostly,

00:09:42.760 you know,

00:09:44.300 I,

00:09:44.480 I haven't,

00:09:44.880 I haven't,

00:09:45.940 uh,

00:09:47.800 I haven't felt good

00:09:48.960 for a long time.

00:09:51.320 You know,

00:09:51.840 I haven't,

00:09:52.080 I haven't felt good.

00:09:53.140 I have,

00:09:53.580 for a couple years

00:09:54.660 that something had been

00:09:55.340 bothering me

00:09:56.120 and I've talked about it

00:09:57.840 on here and,

00:09:59.380 um,

00:10:00.220 something had been bothering me.

00:10:02.040 I,

00:10:02.140 I just felt,

00:10:03.300 uh,

00:10:03.820 I think there was a couple

00:10:06.280 things going on.

00:10:06.920 One,

00:10:07.120 I was exhausted

00:10:07.900 and then two,

00:10:09.660 something was really

00:10:10.340 bothering me

00:10:11.040 and I couldn't tell

00:10:12.100 exactly what it was

00:10:13.280 or

00:10:13.460 what things it was.

00:10:15.560 It was like a damn

00:10:16.120 group of goblins

00:10:17.160 I felt like

00:10:17.900 and they were hanging out

00:10:20.220 just,

00:10:21.240 just under the earth.

00:10:23.900 I just kept,

00:10:25.600 it was like I had this,

00:10:27.240 a lot of anger

00:10:29.480 and I didn't know why.

00:10:31.440 Um,

00:10:32.140 and one of the things

00:10:34.600 that was going on,

00:10:35.420 I wanted to,

00:10:36.460 I thought that I was

00:10:37.720 getting all,

00:10:38.660 I wanted to get off

00:10:39.380 antidepressants

00:10:40.400 because I thought

00:10:42.040 that was preventing me

00:10:43.260 from having a lot

00:10:44.180 of my feelings.

00:10:46.640 You know,

00:10:47.160 I thought it was

00:10:47.740 preventing me

00:10:48.580 from,

00:10:49.220 uh,

00:10:52.320 getting,

00:10:53.400 figuring out

00:10:53.960 what was going on

00:10:54.720 with myself,

00:10:55.380 like on the interior

00:10:57.140 because

00:10:58.820 I couldn't access

00:11:01.360 my feelings.

00:11:02.640 You know,

00:11:03.280 the antidepressants

00:11:04.040 kept me at like

00:11:04.720 a comfortable space

00:11:05.860 and it felt like

00:11:08.340 there was stuff

00:11:08.900 that was under there.

00:11:09.940 and then also

00:11:12.160 I was noticing

00:11:12.840 about like

00:11:13.560 trying to be in love

00:11:15.180 or,

00:11:16.000 um,

00:11:16.960 or,

00:11:19.020 you know,

00:11:20.200 with relationships

00:11:21.180 and dating,

00:11:21.780 I was having trouble

00:11:22.940 getting into like a,

00:11:25.320 any other mode

00:11:26.340 than just

00:11:27.040 wanting to be,

00:11:29.620 you know,

00:11:30.340 doing touch

00:11:31.180 or,

00:11:31.480 you know,

00:11:32.940 jerking each other

00:11:33.880 or whatever,

00:11:34.860 you know,

00:11:35.200 or just one of a,

00:11:36.120 you know,

00:11:36.380 I was getting,

00:11:37.980 you know,

00:11:38.240 and then

00:11:38.760 the female,

00:11:40.020 you know what I'm saying?

00:11:40.800 Like,

00:11:41.120 so that's what I'm saying,

00:11:42.000 but,

00:11:42.820 um,

00:11:44.100 yeah,

00:11:44.320 I was having a tough time

00:11:45.220 with a lot of that.

00:11:45.880 So,

00:11:46.240 so I wanted to get off

00:11:47.220 antidepressants

00:11:48.080 and so that was

00:11:49.100 kind of spooky

00:11:49.880 because damn,

00:11:52.280 well,

00:11:52.420 you get off

00:11:52.900 antidepressants,

00:11:54.560 you hitchhiking,

00:11:56.780 son.

00:11:59.020 You hitchhiking.

00:12:04.040 You know what I'm saying,

00:12:05.200 man?

00:12:05.300 I,

00:12:05.580 before that,

00:12:06.360 I was in a,

00:12:06.980 I was in a Uber.

00:12:08.660 I was,

00:12:09.260 I was sitting in the back seat

00:12:10.740 having me a couple,

00:12:12.780 you know,

00:12:14.560 Takis or whatever,

00:12:15.800 you know,

00:12:16.160 Fritos,

00:12:17.160 chili cheese flavored

00:12:18.200 and I don't like them,

00:12:19.340 but I accidentally

00:12:20.000 picked those up

00:12:20.840 instead of the regular bag

00:12:21.960 because the bags

00:12:22.880 look too similar.

00:12:25.520 So anyway,

00:12:26.420 I'm sitting back,

00:12:27.280 you know,

00:12:27.620 I was in a,

00:12:28.340 the Lord's Uber,

00:12:29.340 baby,

00:12:29.580 I was on antidepressants.

00:12:32.100 But you get off

00:12:33.040 them bitches,

00:12:33.680 you standing on the side

00:12:34.900 of the road.

00:12:37.580 Your shit is raw.

00:12:39.580 You,

00:12:39.800 you got your thumb out,

00:12:41.160 baby,

00:12:41.420 and it's cold.

00:12:43.660 And it's cold.

00:12:46.760 Um,

00:12:47.120 and I thought I was going

00:12:50.000 to take a break

00:12:50.660 and go off

00:12:51.180 to do some,

00:12:51.840 do a treatment center,

00:12:52.680 but I couldn't,

00:12:53.980 uh,

00:12:54.460 I started working

00:12:55.180 with therapists heavily

00:12:56.640 and I couldn't figure out

00:12:58.380 like,

00:12:58.580 what do I want to go for?

00:12:59.820 Like,

00:12:59.980 what is my real

00:13:00.900 issue?

00:13:02.980 What is really,

00:13:03.760 and I didn't know?

00:13:06.580 So,

00:13:07.140 you know,

00:13:08.000 I don't want to end up

00:13:08.700 in some center for damn,

00:13:10.100 you know,

00:13:11.040 people that can't see well,

00:13:12.960 but I can,

00:13:13.500 you know,

00:13:14.200 but I'm seeing pretty decently.

00:13:16.880 You know,

00:13:17.060 I don't want to be in there

00:13:18.700 doing like,

00:13:19.340 you know,

00:13:20.260 that little chart,

00:13:21.340 the E,

00:13:21.960 M,

00:13:22.960 you know,

00:13:23.760 leftwardy,

00:13:25.200 upwardy,

00:13:25.920 and I'm just fucking

00:13:27.700 ace-ing the shit

00:13:28.620 and everybody else in there

00:13:30.360 got a damn,

00:13:30.980 you know,

00:13:31.460 one of those sticks,

00:13:32.360 you know,

00:13:32.900 beating or whatever,

00:13:33.740 looking for,

00:13:34.600 uh,

00:13:35.760 you know,

00:13:36.420 whatever that you,

00:13:37.280 I guess you just try to beat

00:13:38.620 the truth out of the air

00:13:41.180 in front of you.

00:13:41.640 I don't even know what they do

00:13:42.780 with,

00:13:43.100 if you have like a blind stick

00:13:44.160 or whatever,

00:13:44.540 but,

00:13:45.160 um,

00:13:46.900 or just get the air

00:13:47.720 to tell you

00:13:48.380 what's in it.

00:13:51.200 I don't even,

00:13:52.080 that whole thing

00:13:53.160 has never made sense to me,

00:13:54.020 but,

00:13:54.340 um,

00:13:54.480 anyway,

00:13:56.400 I'm losing my train of thought,

00:13:58.880 but yeah,

00:14:00.660 so I wanted to see

00:14:01.360 what was going on,

00:14:02.100 man,

00:14:02.220 so I started,

00:14:03.020 and I couldn't find

00:14:03.980 like an exact place

00:14:05.620 that I wanted to go

00:14:06.240 and I didn't know what for,

00:14:07.900 uh,

00:14:08.800 I just knew that

00:14:09.880 I wasn't feeling good,

00:14:10.920 so I just decided

00:14:12.840 to go to meetings.

00:14:13.540 I started going to meetings,

00:14:15.200 um,

00:14:16.420 for,

00:14:17.940 uh,

00:14:19.480 like,

00:14:20.960 they're basically like

00:14:22.180 sex and love addiction,

00:14:23.480 but the real thing

00:14:24.280 you're in there,

00:14:25.020 that wasn't my thing,

00:14:26.820 I don't have a sex addiction,

00:14:28.480 but I do have like a,

00:14:30.060 uh,

00:14:30.940 I noticed an addiction

00:14:32.760 and a

00:14:33.820 interesting relationship

00:14:36.360 with,

00:14:37.120 um,

00:14:38.560 attention

00:14:39.140 and admiration,

00:14:42.360 female,

00:14:42.880 especially female admiration,

00:14:45.380 uh,

00:14:46.320 so I started going to

00:14:47.560 a lot of meetings

00:14:48.280 about that,

00:14:49.060 and I started going to

00:14:50.240 a lot of AA meetings,

00:14:51.380 I was going to

00:14:51.980 two meetings a day,

00:14:53.540 um,

00:14:54.600 just to be social,

00:14:56.900 just to have like

00:14:57.540 a social environment

00:14:58.860 that was like,

00:14:59.800 um,

00:15:01.760 a place where people

00:15:02.580 were sharing their thoughts

00:15:03.620 and feelings,

00:15:04.260 you know,

00:15:06.200 because I really,

00:15:06.920 I really got intent

00:15:08.060 on trying to figure out

00:15:09.180 what is,

00:15:09.920 what is,

00:15:10.680 why is there something

00:15:12.780 in me that's always,

00:15:14.020 you know,

00:15:14.700 that's always

00:15:18.020 in pain,

00:15:19.920 kind of,

00:15:20.880 and I'm not trying

00:15:22.940 to have a pity party

00:15:23.700 or anything,

00:15:24.040 I'm just trying to share

00:15:25.040 what happened with me,

00:15:26.400 so,

00:15:26.780 so anyway,

00:15:28.680 I got it,

00:15:29.200 I got into,

00:15:30.400 um,

00:15:30.980 I was going to meetings,

00:15:31.980 I was doing that,

00:15:32.740 and I was off the antidepressants,

00:15:34.400 and it's wise,

00:15:36.020 dude,

00:15:37.220 you'll be talking

00:15:38.320 to somebody

00:15:38.980 and like,

00:15:40.120 somebody will pat you

00:15:41.620 on the back

00:15:42.240 and it just,

00:15:43.560 it feels like a pat

00:15:44.660 on the back

00:15:45.080 you never got

00:15:45.880 and you just start

00:15:46.520 just tearing up

00:15:47.720 and it's real,

00:15:50.400 you sent,

00:15:51.200 you sent,

00:15:51.600 all your feelings

00:15:52.500 that haven't been

00:15:53.220 doing anything,

00:15:54.280 them bitches

00:15:54.620 been milling around,

00:15:55.740 some of them are pissed,

00:15:57.400 some of them

00:15:57.940 have been doing

00:15:58.600 damn Oxy,

00:15:59.440 I mean,

00:15:59.780 you know,

00:16:00.480 they're doing Oxycontin,

00:16:01.760 some of them

00:16:02.040 are on pre-workout,

00:16:04.620 you know,

00:16:05.080 some of them

00:16:05.460 have been at zoo culture,

00:16:06.900 there's a lot,

00:16:07.360 you know,

00:16:07.700 they've been milling around,

00:16:10.480 so you got all these

00:16:11.340 feelings once you're

00:16:12.220 off antidepressants,

00:16:13.480 I did anyway

00:16:14.320 and I'm not telling you

00:16:16.700 to get off them,

00:16:18.360 don't do anything

00:16:19.620 that I do,

00:16:20.740 ever,

00:16:22.220 and maybe,

00:16:22.800 you know,

00:16:23.080 talk with a doctor,

00:16:23.920 but yeah,

00:16:24.200 I went to talk

00:16:24.860 to the doctor

00:16:25.420 and then I weaned off

00:16:26.380 and that was that,

00:16:27.400 so,

00:16:28.100 and I started

00:16:28.800 microdosing psilocybin,

00:16:30.920 you know,

00:16:31.380 because that's like

00:16:32.040 an alternative,

00:16:33.940 so,

00:16:34.720 you know,

00:16:36.320 I got like a,

00:16:38.320 whatever dose,

00:16:39.240 the dose you're supposed

00:16:40.180 to get

00:16:40.680 and started

00:16:41.500 doing that

00:16:42.140 and I started

00:16:44.840 working my step work

00:16:46.160 and in different

00:16:47.440 programs

00:16:48.140 and different

00:16:48.820 recovery programs

00:16:50.060 and then,

00:16:54.120 I don't know

00:16:56.400 who was talking

00:16:57.180 about ayahuasca

00:16:58.500 and it could have

00:17:01.160 been either

00:17:01.480 Neil Brennan

00:17:02.320 or

00:17:03.340 Jason Ellis,

00:17:07.240 I know we spoke

00:17:07.940 about it

00:17:08.520 when he was in

00:17:10.120 with Tony Hawk

00:17:10.980 and

00:17:12.820 I talked

00:17:14.980 with Neil

00:17:15.440 about it

00:17:16.040 oh,

00:17:16.500 and a friend

00:17:16.960 of mine,

00:17:18.220 a couple

00:17:20.060 friends of mine

00:17:20.700 went,

00:17:22.900 Brittany Schmidt,

00:17:23.640 a comedian,

00:17:24.140 she performed

00:17:24.640 with me somewhere,

00:17:25.360 she went,

00:17:26.260 a couple people

00:17:27.000 went

00:17:27.420 and

00:17:29.600 and so

00:17:31.080 next thing you know,

00:17:31.820 I got signed up,

00:17:32.920 I got signed up

00:17:34.980 for ayahuasca man

00:17:36.040 and

00:17:36.560 so I was going

00:17:38.500 and I was seeing

00:17:39.000 my therapist,

00:17:39.660 I'm telling my therapist

00:17:40.520 this is what I want to do

00:17:41.540 and they were in support of it

00:17:42.700 and so

00:17:43.100 like a lot of therapy

00:17:44.840 and like I was getting

00:17:46.100 some pretty good traction

00:17:47.220 with a lot of my feelings

00:17:48.400 and things that were

00:17:49.100 making me upset

00:17:50.020 and then I had this moment

00:17:55.940 during the holidays too,

00:17:57.480 this was a big part

00:17:58.600 where

00:18:01.560 you know,

00:18:04.400 a lot of my

00:18:05.000 a lot of my stuff

00:18:06.200 has come from,

00:18:06.980 you know,

00:18:07.400 I think

00:18:09.120 childhood neglect

00:18:10.320 really

00:18:10.840 I didn't

00:18:12.300 you know,

00:18:12.720 nobody was really

00:18:13.960 tickling me,

00:18:14.760 nobody was looking at me

00:18:16.000 and loving me

00:18:16.760 and I'm not complaining

00:18:19.080 you know,

00:18:20.600 it hurts me

00:18:21.320 but I'm not really

00:18:22.800 I'm not here to complain about it,

00:18:24.760 I'm just telling you

00:18:25.480 what happened

00:18:25.900 so

00:18:28.300 I was home

00:18:30.040 for the holidays

00:18:30.820 and

00:18:32.840 I was down

00:18:34.160 by my mother's house

00:18:35.220 and

00:18:35.500 you know,

00:18:38.240 I'd really

00:18:38.760 just been struggling

00:18:39.720 and I'd had a lot

00:18:40.540 of feelings

00:18:41.000 because I'm off

00:18:41.480 these antidepressants

00:18:42.480 and

00:18:42.740 and

00:18:47.260 I'd kind of

00:18:48.080 been keeping my distance

00:18:49.080 from my mother

00:18:49.740 there's something

00:18:51.360 about the relationship

00:18:52.300 that's been tough

00:18:53.180 for me

00:18:53.580 and I don't know

00:18:54.480 what it was

00:18:55.340 and I just needed

00:18:57.220 some space

00:18:58.040 and I went down

00:19:01.300 to her place

00:19:01.860 and I was sitting there

00:19:02.880 with her

00:19:04.200 talking

00:19:05.260 and she'd given me

00:19:06.000 a gift

00:19:06.540 and

00:19:07.700 and I just

00:19:10.640 broke down

00:19:11.300 man

00:19:11.460 I broke

00:19:11.840 I was just sobbing

00:19:12.740 I mean just sobbing

00:19:13.740 just like

00:19:14.280 damn

00:19:15.240 just like Niagara

00:19:16.160 like somebody

00:19:16.800 like some

00:19:17.300 you know

00:19:19.340 like some damn

00:19:20.120 real estate wizard

00:19:21.060 had moved a little

00:19:21.900 you know

00:19:22.860 eight square inches

00:19:24.820 of Niagara

00:19:25.560 from Canada

00:19:26.720 right down

00:19:27.240 onto my face

00:19:28.020 in Louisiana

00:19:28.520 and I'm just

00:19:31.120 bawling

00:19:31.900 just really

00:19:34.540 just

00:19:34.860 just suffering

00:19:36.520 honestly

00:19:36.960 just

00:19:37.300 just

00:19:38.020 just a lot

00:19:40.500 of stuff

00:19:40.940 I think

00:19:41.300 from just

00:19:41.640 probably being young

00:19:42.440 I don't know

00:19:43.020 and

00:19:44.920 and my mom

00:19:48.520 she didn't say

00:19:49.160 nothing

00:19:49.480 she didn't

00:19:50.720 come and put

00:19:51.320 her hand on me

00:19:51.920 or say anything

00:19:52.640 so after a few

00:19:55.100 minutes

00:19:55.360 I've you know

00:19:55.800 I got myself

00:19:56.440 together

00:19:56.940 and

00:19:57.220 and I asked

00:19:59.180 her I said

00:19:59.580 well dang

00:20:00.220 my you know

00:20:00.860 I said it seemed

00:20:02.200 kind of strange

00:20:02.880 that I'm sitting

00:20:03.420 there really

00:20:03.860 suffering

00:20:04.440 and

00:20:05.680 and you didn't

00:20:07.320 check on me

00:20:07.960 you know

00:20:08.540 and

00:20:10.580 and

00:20:15.380 and she said

00:20:16.180 oh I thought

00:20:17.700 you were just

00:20:18.120 really taken aback

00:20:19.140 by the gift

00:20:19.700 that I'd gotten

00:20:20.320 you

00:20:20.600 and it

00:20:24.800 was a nice

00:20:25.300 gift

00:20:25.480 there was

00:20:25.700 like some

00:20:26.000 vitamins

00:20:26.420 or

00:20:26.780 you know

00:20:27.240 some

00:20:27.500 vitamins

00:20:28.440 or something

00:20:29.160 it was

00:20:29.640 it was

00:20:30.200 thoughtful

00:20:30.640 not

00:20:31.460 I'm not

00:20:31.900 this isn't

00:20:32.540 I'm not

00:20:32.820 judging my

00:20:33.320 mother

00:20:33.620 uh

00:20:35.200 and I'm

00:20:36.080 and I'm not

00:20:36.320 criticizing her

00:20:37.340 but

00:20:39.360 it just

00:20:41.240 I realized

00:20:44.980 then there's

00:20:45.420 just some

00:20:45.920 disconnect

00:20:46.520 there's something

00:20:47.220 where she

00:20:47.660 does

00:20:47.880 she did

00:20:48.600 she there's

00:20:49.060 some inability

00:20:49.760 for her to

00:20:50.840 express

00:20:51.520 the type

00:20:53.160 of

00:20:53.720 affection

00:20:56.460 or attention

00:20:57.060 that I would

00:20:57.540 need

00:20:57.980 from

00:20:59.140 someone in

00:21:00.200 that position

00:21:00.840 and then

00:21:03.840 it started

00:21:04.300 hitting me

00:21:04.740 that this

00:21:05.100 is the way

00:21:05.480 it had

00:21:05.700 always been

00:21:06.260 my whole

00:21:06.680 life

00:21:07.060 my whole

00:21:09.540 life

00:21:09.900 I've been

00:21:10.220 wanting

00:21:10.700 just somebody

00:21:11.980 to be there

00:21:12.560 when I

00:21:12.900 suffered

00:21:13.420 or when I

00:21:13.920 was hurting

00:21:14.460 or anything

00:21:15.080 and nobody

00:21:16.260 ever was

00:21:16.960 when I was

00:21:17.360 a child

00:21:17.800 there was

00:21:18.080 no

00:21:18.460 you know

00:21:19.760 I don't

00:21:19.940 have any

00:21:20.240 memories

00:21:20.560 of being

00:21:20.860 hugged

00:21:21.360 I don't

00:21:21.560 have any

00:21:22.080 of that

00:21:22.500 kind of

00:21:22.860 stuff

00:21:23.280 from

00:21:24.100 growing

00:21:24.420 up

00:21:24.820 uh

00:21:26.740 ever

00:21:28.060 you know

00:21:32.820 and I'd

00:21:33.260 always

00:21:33.700 thought

00:21:34.180 that

00:21:34.420 maybe

00:21:34.720 if I

00:21:35.100 do

00:21:35.440 something

00:21:35.920 if I

00:21:36.300 behave

00:21:36.740 a certain

00:21:37.180 way

00:21:37.540 if I

00:21:38.060 achieve

00:21:38.980 a certain

00:21:39.520 achievement

00:21:40.220 then I'll

00:21:41.340 get

00:21:41.660 this

00:21:42.180 will

00:21:42.380 this

00:21:42.780 something

00:21:44.240 would

00:21:44.480 change

00:21:45.020 in my

00:21:45.320 relationship

00:21:45.860 um

00:21:47.680 with my

00:21:48.820 mother

00:21:49.120 um

00:21:50.800 who's my

00:21:53.440 biggest fan

00:21:54.080 by the way

00:21:54.460 I mean

00:21:54.640 she watches

00:21:55.100 the podcast

00:21:55.640 every week

00:21:56.400 and

00:21:56.600 you know

00:21:57.960 and I

00:21:59.080 love her

00:21:59.420 for that

00:21:59.880 uh

00:22:01.480 but

00:22:03.340 there's

00:22:04.260 just

00:22:04.480 some

00:22:04.700 there was

00:22:04.980 something

00:22:05.380 that

00:22:05.760 there's

00:22:06.060 some

00:22:06.440 and she

00:22:09.900 even sent

00:22:10.300 me a

00:22:10.500 message

00:22:10.760 she texted

00:22:12.100 me later

00:22:12.680 and

00:22:12.920 and we

00:22:14.740 spent time

00:22:15.280 over the

00:22:15.560 holidays

00:22:15.880 after that

00:22:16.480 and stuff

00:22:16.840 but it

00:22:17.100 was just

00:22:17.400 a real

00:22:17.720 telling

00:22:18.100 moment

00:22:18.420 for me

00:22:18.760 that

00:22:19.000 man

00:22:19.620 all my

00:22:20.020 life

00:22:20.340 this is

00:22:20.720 how it

00:22:21.020 had

00:22:21.160 been

00:22:21.440 and I

00:22:21.800 always

00:22:22.200 thought

00:22:22.520 there was

00:22:22.800 something

00:22:23.000 wrong

00:22:23.260 with me

00:22:23.780 but there's

00:22:25.540 just some

00:22:25.960 disconnect

00:22:26.460 she just

00:22:27.180 probably

00:22:28.160 no one

00:22:28.520 had ever

00:22:28.820 done it

00:22:29.260 to her

00:22:29.660 when she

00:22:31.720 was in

00:22:32.160 pain

00:22:32.420 or when

00:22:32.720 she was

00:22:33.160 hurting

00:22:33.500 nobody

00:22:34.540 had ever

00:22:35.360 taught her

00:22:38.080 you know

00:22:38.680 had been

00:22:39.080 loving towards

00:22:39.800 her or

00:22:40.080 whatever

00:22:40.360 I don't

00:22:40.800 know

00:22:41.080 but

00:22:41.940 anyway

00:22:42.700 uh

00:22:44.640 so that

00:22:46.120 was like

00:22:46.500 a wild

00:22:46.980 you know

00:22:47.320 that was

00:22:47.760 just a

00:22:48.260 heavy

00:22:48.600 moment

00:22:48.960 and it

00:22:49.200 was a

00:22:49.500 lot

00:22:49.700 of

00:22:49.820 things

00:22:50.180 it made

00:22:51.340 me

00:22:51.960 realized

00:22:54.060 that there

00:22:54.520 was nothing

00:22:54.900 I could

00:22:55.360 do

00:22:55.620 anymore

00:22:56.180 to get

00:22:57.720 there was

00:22:59.380 nothing

00:22:59.720 on earth

00:23:00.500 that I

00:23:00.800 was going

00:23:01.020 to be

00:23:01.180 able to

00:23:01.440 do

00:23:01.600 to get

00:23:02.080 what I

00:23:03.420 needed

00:23:03.660 from my

00:23:04.120 mother

00:23:04.360 and I

00:23:04.660 always

00:23:04.960 thought

00:23:05.220 there

00:23:05.400 was

00:23:05.820 I

00:23:08.100 always

00:23:08.500 thought

00:23:08.820 that

00:23:08.960 if I

00:23:09.160 just

00:23:09.380 get

00:23:09.700 you know

00:23:13.580 even

00:23:15.380 with comedy

00:23:16.100 with

00:23:16.560 everything

00:23:17.160 I

00:23:19.220 thought

00:23:19.480 you know

00:23:19.740 maybe

00:23:20.060 if I

00:23:21.580 can get

00:23:21.900 everybody

00:23:22.380 in the

00:23:22.820 world

00:23:23.080 to love

00:23:23.620 me

00:23:24.000 then

00:23:25.080 maybe

00:23:25.440 I'll

00:23:25.700 get

00:23:25.840 my

00:23:26.040 mother

00:23:26.280 to

00:23:26.460 love

00:23:26.620 me

00:23:27.100 and

00:23:31.540 it's

00:23:31.720 not

00:23:31.880 that

00:23:32.040 she

00:23:32.200 doesn't

00:23:32.660 she

00:23:32.860 loves

00:23:33.180 me

00:23:33.480 it

00:23:35.540 just

00:23:35.960 the

00:23:37.440 elements

00:23:37.880 that

00:23:38.340 that I

00:23:40.400 need to

00:23:40.760 be loved

00:23:41.140 the way

00:23:41.420 I need

00:23:41.760 to be

00:23:42.000 loved

00:23:42.280 or that

00:23:42.580 a child

00:23:43.060 does

00:23:43.420 no one

00:23:44.720 probably

00:23:45.020 maybe did

00:23:45.540 them to

00:23:45.760 her

00:23:45.900 I don't

00:23:46.160 know

00:23:46.340 I'm

00:23:46.480 not

00:23:46.700 judging

00:23:47.180 her

00:23:47.400 or

00:23:47.520 anything

00:23:47.680 this

00:23:47.920 isn't

00:23:48.120 a

00:23:48.280 judgment

00:23:48.700 um

00:23:50.400 you know

00:23:52.080 I'm

00:23:52.200 not

00:23:52.360 trying

00:23:52.520 to

00:23:52.640 talk

00:23:52.820 bad

00:23:53.140 about

00:23:53.420 her

00:23:53.700 but

00:23:54.640 it

00:23:54.840 just

00:23:55.100 was

00:23:55.420 uh

00:23:56.100 no

00:23:57.720 one

00:23:57.920 did

00:23:58.040 I

00:23:58.260 don't

00:23:58.580 know

00:23:58.720 she

00:23:58.920 doesn't

00:23:59.220 have

00:23:59.480 that

00:23:59.640 it's

00:24:00.240 almost

00:24:00.420 like

00:24:00.640 a

00:24:00.760 blind

00:24:00.980 it

00:24:01.120 is

00:24:01.280 like

00:24:01.420 a

00:24:01.560 blind

00:24:01.840 person

00:24:02.220 they

00:24:02.400 can't

00:24:02.660 see

00:24:02.800 she

00:24:03.220 can't

00:24:04.480 do

00:24:04.860 it

00:24:05.100 she

00:24:09.320 can't

00:24:09.680 do

00:24:09.840 it

00:24:09.960 and

00:24:10.120 it

00:24:10.240 had

00:24:10.380 never

00:24:10.560 been

00:24:10.820 more

00:24:11.040 evident

00:24:11.320 to

00:24:11.520 me

00:24:11.640 in

00:24:11.780 my

00:24:12.280 whole

00:24:12.460 life

00:24:12.680 I'd

00:24:12.860 never

00:24:13.040 realized

00:24:13.400 until

00:24:13.700 that

00:24:14.000 moment

00:24:14.300 where

00:24:14.500 I'm

00:24:14.620 sitting

00:24:14.920 there

00:24:15.160 and

00:24:15.360 I

00:24:15.540 am

00:24:15.700 like

00:24:16.100 man

00:24:17.600 I

00:24:17.780 was

00:24:17.960 just

00:24:18.200 really

00:24:18.800 just

00:24:19.940 bubbly

00:24:20.660 you know

00:24:21.960 and

00:24:23.240 there

00:24:23.400 was

00:24:23.560 no

00:24:23.900 reaction

00:24:24.480 from

00:24:24.820 her

00:24:25.160 um

00:24:28.380 or

00:24:28.980 there

00:24:29.160 was

00:24:29.360 no

00:24:29.800 I'm

00:24:31.780 sure

00:24:31.940 she

00:24:32.100 was

00:24:32.260 hurting

00:24:32.560 for

00:24:32.840 me

00:24:32.980 but

00:24:33.220 there's

00:24:35.300 just

00:24:35.600 she

00:24:35.860 doesn't

00:24:36.120 have

00:24:36.320 that

00:24:36.520 thing

00:24:36.860 where

00:24:37.200 the

00:24:38.700 ability

00:24:39.120 to

00:24:39.360 comfort

00:24:39.720 you

00:24:40.980 know

00:24:41.200 uh

00:24:42.040 I

00:24:42.740 don't

00:24:42.880 know

00:24:43.060 and

00:24:43.200 some

00:24:43.380 of

00:24:43.460 that

00:24:43.560 I'm

00:24:43.660 still

00:24:43.900 learning

00:24:44.180 I

00:24:44.320 don't

00:24:44.460 know

00:24:44.640 everything

00:24:45.020 but

00:24:46.700 anyway

00:24:46.980 so

00:24:47.260 that

00:24:47.440 was

00:24:47.600 a

00:24:47.760 wild

00:24:48.060 thing

00:24:48.440 you

00:24:48.720 know

00:24:48.880 and

00:24:49.080 that

00:24:49.280 was

00:24:49.460 a

00:24:49.620 lot

00:24:49.940 because

00:24:50.500 then

00:24:50.880 it

00:24:51.040 made

00:24:51.240 me

00:24:51.420 like

00:24:51.780 a

00:24:52.200 lot

00:24:52.360 of

00:24:52.500 anger

00:24:52.880 I

00:24:54.020 was

00:24:54.100 like

00:24:54.220 man

00:24:54.420 my

00:24:54.600 whole

00:24:54.860 life

00:24:55.260 this

00:24:56.200 is

00:24:56.360 how

00:24:56.560 it

00:24:56.680 had

00:24:56.820 always

00:24:57.260 been

00:24:57.660 like

00:24:58.120 everything

00:24:59.280 made

00:24:59.600 so

00:24:59.840 much

00:25:00.020 sense

00:25:00.340 to

00:25:00.500 me

00:25:00.620 now

00:25:00.860 like

00:25:01.200 why

00:25:04.960 I'd

00:25:05.220 spent

00:25:05.520 my

00:25:05.720 whole

00:25:05.960 life

00:25:06.140 I'd

00:25:06.300 always

00:25:06.480 become

00:25:06.760 such

00:25:07.080 good

00:25:07.300 friends

00:25:07.720 with

00:25:07.880 my

00:25:08.180 girlfriends

00:25:08.920 mothers

00:25:09.520 and

00:25:09.780 with

00:25:09.940 my

00:25:10.140 friends

00:25:10.580 mothers

00:25:11.060 and

00:25:11.260 like

00:25:11.460 I

00:25:11.920 was

00:25:12.120 always

00:25:12.720 looking

00:25:13.180 for

00:25:13.480 this

00:25:13.960 for

00:25:18.360 this

00:25:18.680 thing

00:25:19.200 for

00:25:20.120 this

00:25:20.420 connection

00:25:21.000 that

00:25:21.220 I just

00:25:21.540 had

00:25:21.720 never

00:25:22.060 had

00:25:22.540 never

00:25:26.500 had

00:25:26.960 you

00:25:28.360 know

00:25:28.620 and

00:25:29.220 it

00:25:29.340 made

00:25:29.520 me

00:25:29.620 even

00:25:29.820 think

00:25:30.000 when

00:25:30.120 I

00:25:30.240 was

00:25:30.380 a

00:25:30.520 little

00:25:30.740 kid

00:25:31.100 that

00:25:31.240 I

00:25:31.380 probably

00:25:31.660 was

00:25:31.880 really

00:25:32.160 struggling

00:25:32.660 and

00:25:32.880 nobody

00:25:33.220 was

00:25:33.520 right

00:25:33.780 there

00:25:34.120 you

00:25:34.560 know

00:25:34.800 and

00:25:36.980 and

00:25:37.000 maybe

00:25:37.260 that

00:25:37.460 my

00:25:37.600 mother

00:25:37.780 even

00:25:38.000 saw

00:25:38.360 me

00:25:38.560 struggling

00:25:38.940 but

00:25:39.160 didn't

00:25:39.540 have

00:25:39.860 the

00:25:40.080 thing

00:25:40.400 inside

00:25:40.840 whatever

00:25:41.160 that

00:25:41.640 is

00:25:42.100 and

00:25:45.280 I

00:25:45.400 don't

00:25:45.520 think

00:25:45.680 it's

00:25:45.820 a

00:25:45.960 choice

00:25:46.280 that

00:25:46.520 she

00:25:46.660 made

00:25:46.980 I

00:25:47.180 just

00:25:47.420 think

00:25:47.660 it's

00:25:48.700 some

00:25:49.000 it's

00:25:49.860 like

00:25:50.040 almost

00:25:50.320 like

00:25:50.620 an

00:25:50.780 autism

00:25:51.380 it's

00:25:56.220 like

00:25:56.360 an

00:25:56.500 emotional

00:25:57.040 autism

00:25:57.700 and

00:26:01.640 I'm

00:26:01.780 not

00:26:02.040 judging

00:26:02.360 you know

00:26:02.680 I

00:26:03.200 can't

00:26:03.580 do

00:26:03.760 all

00:26:03.940 this

00:26:04.180 and

00:26:04.340 like

00:26:04.760 you

00:26:06.980 know

00:26:07.100 there's

00:26:07.400 part

00:26:07.660 of me

00:26:07.820 that

00:26:07.960 will

00:26:08.100 always

00:26:08.480 be

00:26:08.700 angry

00:26:09.140 and

00:26:09.680 stuff

00:26:10.080 but

00:26:10.300 I'm

00:26:10.560 not

00:26:11.000 you

00:26:13.520 know

00:26:13.660 this

00:26:13.920 isn't

00:26:14.220 about

00:26:14.560 being

00:26:14.820 angry

00:26:15.140 at

00:26:15.280 my

00:26:15.440 mother

00:26:15.720 I

00:26:19.560 can

00:26:19.740 have

00:26:20.000 that

00:26:20.240 time

00:26:20.640 but

00:26:21.000 it's

00:26:22.480 like

00:26:22.680 being

00:26:22.940 angry

00:26:23.260 at

00:26:23.500 somebody

00:26:23.980 who

00:26:24.360 can't

00:26:25.760 who

00:26:28.980 can't

00:26:29.380 eat

00:26:29.540 chocolate

00:26:30.000 or

00:26:30.180 for

00:26:30.400 not

00:26:30.600 eating

00:26:30.800 chocolate

00:26:31.180 but

00:26:31.400 they

00:26:31.540 don't

00:26:31.700 have

00:26:31.960 a

00:26:32.140 mouth

00:26:34.120 or

00:26:34.540 a

00:26:34.680 tongue

00:26:34.940 and

00:26:37.260 so

00:26:37.400 you're

00:26:37.640 sitting

00:26:37.880 there

00:26:38.040 just

00:26:38.260 yelling

00:26:38.620 at

00:26:38.780 them

00:26:38.900 for

00:26:39.020 not

00:26:39.220 eating

00:26:39.400 chocolate

00:26:39.840 but

00:26:42.120 they

00:26:42.300 don't

00:26:42.460 have

00:26:42.640 a

00:26:42.780 mouth

00:26:43.000 or

00:26:43.140 a

00:26:43.300 tongue

00:26:43.600 so

00:26:47.500 anyway

00:26:47.820 that's

00:26:48.180 a lot

00:26:48.460 of

00:26:48.600 information

00:26:49.100 I

00:26:49.320 didn't

00:26:49.500 even

00:26:49.640 know

00:26:49.740 if

00:26:49.840 I

00:26:49.940 really

00:26:50.140 wanted

00:26:50.360 to

00:26:50.540 share

00:26:50.780 that

00:26:51.060 and

00:26:51.180 I

00:26:51.320 don't

00:26:51.600 know

00:26:52.000 if

00:26:56.620 it's

00:26:56.760 the

00:26:56.880 right

00:26:57.020 thing

00:26:57.160 to

00:26:57.320 share

00:26:57.540 I

00:26:57.920 never

00:26:58.160 know

00:26:58.320 what

00:26:58.480 the

00:26:58.620 right

00:26:58.820 thing

00:26:59.020 to

00:26:59.200 share

00:26:59.460 is

00:26:59.660 sometimes

00:27:00.260 you

00:27:00.440 know

00:27:00.680 but

00:27:03.940 I'm

00:27:04.080 just

00:27:04.220 trying to

00:27:04.520 tell you

00:27:04.780 where I'm

00:27:05.100 at

00:27:05.300 there's

00:27:05.680 other

00:27:05.840 I'll

00:27:06.040 tell you

00:27:06.260 other

00:27:06.420 great

00:27:06.680 stuff

00:27:06.860 I'm

00:27:07.020 going

00:27:07.180 to

00:27:07.300 the

00:27:07.460 Super

00:27:07.740 Bowl

00:27:08.200 that's

00:27:10.500 going

00:27:10.640 to

00:27:10.720 be

00:27:10.860 exciting

00:27:11.460 you

00:27:12.120 know

00:27:12.280 I'm

00:27:12.460 going

00:27:12.540 to

00:27:12.560 pop

00:27:13.040 down

00:27:13.240 to

00:27:13.400 Mardi Gras

00:27:14.300 but

00:27:17.960 then

00:27:18.180 so

00:27:18.420 but I

00:27:18.800 want to

00:27:18.980 tell you

00:27:19.180 a little

00:27:19.300 bit more

00:27:19.540 about

00:27:19.700 what

00:27:19.840 happened

00:27:20.100 but

00:27:20.240 also

00:27:20.540 I

00:27:20.740 got

00:27:20.860 to

00:27:20.980 tell

00:27:21.160 you

00:27:21.420 that

00:27:24.140 we

00:27:25.040 got

00:27:25.240 some

00:27:25.520 tour

00:27:26.080 dates

00:27:26.340 I

00:27:26.460 got

00:27:26.560 to

00:27:26.680 do

00:27:27.000 oh

00:27:27.580 and

00:27:27.660 I

00:27:27.780 did

00:27:27.920 an

00:27:28.060 ayahuasca

00:27:28.720 I

00:27:29.120 did

00:27:29.300 ayahuasca

00:27:30.020 so

00:27:30.640 that's

00:27:31.080 where

00:27:31.260 this

00:27:31.540 kind

00:27:31.800 of

00:27:32.020 heads

00:27:32.960 to

00:27:33.280 and

00:27:34.500 anyway

00:27:36.420 I'll

00:27:36.600 get

00:27:36.720 into

00:27:38.200 but

00:27:38.560 here

00:27:38.720 we

00:27:38.860 are

00:27:39.040 right

00:27:39.260 here

00:27:39.420 we

00:27:39.540 got

00:27:39.760 this

00:27:40.040 the

00:27:40.500 tour

00:27:40.740 dates

00:27:41.080 Rockford

00:27:42.640 Illinois

00:27:43.000 February

00:27:43.560 25th

00:27:44.280 Chicago

00:27:44.800 Illinois

00:27:45.260 February

00:27:45.660 26th

00:27:47.460 Lafayette

00:27:48.200 Indiana

00:27:48.580 and Tulsa

00:27:49.320 Oklahoma

00:27:49.840 are sold

00:27:50.360 out

00:27:50.680 Los

00:27:51.600 Angeles

00:27:52.000 May

00:27:52.340 7th

00:27:53.520 and

00:27:53.700 those

00:27:53.920 will

00:27:54.080 all

00:27:54.300 be

00:27:54.580 theovahn.com

00:27:56.980 slash

00:27:57.340 tour

00:27:57.920 and

00:27:58.960 get

00:27:59.140 your

00:27:59.280 tickets

00:27:59.520 through

00:27:59.720 there

00:27:59.900 don't

00:28:00.080 go

00:28:00.200 to

00:28:00.300 these

00:28:00.460 other

00:28:00.760 aftermarket

00:28:02.060 sites

00:28:02.460 they

00:28:02.640 put

00:28:02.840 a

00:28:02.960 damn

00:28:03.200 you

00:28:03.400 know

00:28:03.580 they

00:28:04.140 put

00:28:04.300 some

00:28:04.480 Rockford

00:28:04.840 foskates

00:28:05.500 on

00:28:05.740 it

00:28:05.840 they

00:28:05.940 put

00:28:06.120 a

00:28:06.240 dirty

00:28:06.500 spoiler

00:28:06.900 on

00:28:07.220 it

00:28:07.380 and

00:28:07.760 now

00:28:07.920 they

00:28:08.060 selling

00:28:08.320 you

00:28:08.420 to

00:28:08.560 ticket

00:28:08.740 for

00:28:08.920 a

00:28:09.040 thousand

00:28:09.420 don't

00:28:09.700 do

00:28:09.860 that

00:28:10.260 what

00:28:14.800 do

00:28:14.920 I

00:28:15.000 want

00:28:15.120 to

00:28:15.220 tell

00:28:15.400 you

00:28:15.500 okay

00:28:15.740 right

00:28:16.040 now

00:28:16.220 we

00:28:16.360 got

00:28:16.480 to

00:28:16.580 do

00:28:16.700 this

00:28:17.060 if

00:28:17.840 you're

00:28:18.040 struggling

00:28:18.480 with

00:28:18.720 something

00:28:19.120 and

00:28:20.580 you

00:28:20.720 need

00:28:20.900 some

00:28:21.080 help

00:28:21.440 it

00:28:23.520 can

00:28:23.920 work

00:28:24.540 for

00:28:24.760 you

00:28:24.960 better

00:28:25.480 help

00:28:25.900 that's

00:28:26.920 right

00:28:27.200 if

00:28:27.940 there's

00:28:28.120 something

00:28:28.320 interfering

00:28:28.800 with

00:28:29.000 your

00:28:29.160 happiness

00:28:29.580 you

00:28:30.500 can't

00:28:30.760 get

00:28:30.860 that

00:28:31.020 big

00:28:31.220 smile

00:28:31.640 from

00:28:31.880 God

00:28:32.260 freaking

00:28:32.660 you

00:28:33.540 know

00:28:33.660 you

00:28:33.820 can't

00:28:34.080 get

00:28:36.240 the

00:28:36.360 heart

00:28:36.700 then

00:28:38.840 better

00:28:39.120 help

00:28:39.340 will

00:28:39.480 assess

00:28:39.780 your

00:28:39.960 needs

00:28:40.280 and

00:28:40.420 match

00:28:40.700 you

00:28:40.820 with

00:28:40.940 your

00:28:41.060 own

00:28:41.220 licensed

00:28:41.640 professional

00:28:42.240 therapist

00:28:42.700 you

00:28:43.560 can

00:28:43.700 start

00:28:43.900 communicating

00:28:44.400 in

00:28:44.560 under

00:28:44.720 48

00:28:45.240 hours

00:28:45.720 that's

00:28:46.160 beautiful

00:28:46.520 damn

00:28:46.800 that's

00:28:46.980 under

00:28:47.120 two

00:28:47.320 days

00:28:47.720 that's

00:28:48.720 only

00:28:48.920 you

00:28:49.180 know

00:28:49.380 that's

00:28:50.380 two

00:28:50.600 breakfast

00:28:51.060 and

00:28:51.320 you

00:28:51.460 got

00:28:51.980 help

00:28:52.340 better

00:28:53.540 help

00:28:53.740 want

00:28:53.860 you

00:28:53.920 to

00:28:54.020 start

00:28:54.200 living

00:28:54.420 a

00:28:54.600 happier

00:28:54.820 life

00:28:55.100 today

00:28:55.520 join

00:28:56.880 the

00:28:57.000 over

00:28:57.140 2

00:28:57.380 million

00:28:57.540 people

00:28:57.840 who've

00:28:58.040 taken

00:28:58.220 charge

00:28:58.600 of

00:28:58.700 their

00:28:58.820 mental

00:28:59.000 health

00:28:59.320 go

00:28:59.980 to

00:29:00.140 better

00:29:00.400 help

00:29:00.740 dot

00:29:01.100 com

00:29:01.580 slash

00:29:02.000 t

00:29:02.300 h

00:29:02.500 e

00:29:02.640 o

00:29:02.900 with

00:29:07.800 the

00:29:07.940 help

00:29:08.100 of

00:29:08.200 an

00:29:08.300 experienced

00:29:08.740 professional

00:29:09.380 special

00:29:10.440 offer

00:29:10.720 for this

00:29:11.100 past

00:29:11.440 weekend

00:29:11.840 listeners

00:29:12.260 get

00:29:12.740 that

00:29:12.940 10%

00:29:13.540 off

00:29:13.840 baby

00:29:14.020 that

00:29:14.200 d

00:29:14.460 count

00:29:14.780 get

00:29:15.620 that

00:29:15.860 d

00:29:16.200 count

00:29:16.680 off

00:29:17.940 your

00:29:18.060 first

00:29:18.320 month

00:29:18.540 at

00:29:18.700 better

00:29:18.880 help

00:29:19.080 dot

00:29:19.340 com

00:29:19.840 slash

00:29:20.640 theo

00:29:21.260 that's

00:29:22.740 right

00:29:22.960 the

00:29:23.180 um

00:29:24.080 uh

00:29:26.080 this podcast

00:29:26.660 is sponsored

00:29:27.400 by

00:29:28.200 better

00:29:28.700 help

00:29:29.120 we also

00:29:32.040 want to

00:29:32.200 let you

00:29:32.380 know

00:29:32.460 about

00:29:32.620 draft

00:29:33.000 kings

00:29:33.360 the

00:29:33.520 moment

00:29:33.700 we've

00:29:33.920 been

00:29:34.000 waiting

00:29:34.220 for

00:29:34.480 since

00:29:34.720 september

00:29:35.220 is

00:29:35.360 finally

00:29:35.680 here

00:29:36.180 in

00:29:36.640 honor

00:29:36.840 of

00:29:36.960 the

00:29:37.040 big

00:29:37.240 game

00:29:37.520 draft

00:29:37.920 king

00:29:38.200 sports

00:29:38.620 book

00:29:38.960 an

00:29:39.740 official

00:29:40.060 sports

00:29:40.440 betting

00:29:40.700 partner

00:29:41.040 of

00:29:41.240 super

00:29:41.480 bowl

00:29:41.680 56

00:29:42.200 is

00:29:43.380 giving

00:29:43.640 new

00:29:43.900 customers

00:29:44.360 56

00:29:44.940 to

00:29:45.180 one

00:29:45.420 odds

00:29:45.900 damn

00:29:47.000 that's

00:29:47.220 almost

00:29:47.500 that's

00:29:48.360 that's

00:29:49.420 a lot

00:29:49.780 on

00:29:51.300 either

00:29:51.500 team

00:29:51.820 bet

00:29:52.040 just

00:29:52.240 five

00:29:52.560 dollars

00:29:52.840 and

00:29:52.960 get

00:29:53.100 $280

00:29:53.800 in

00:29:55.160 free

00:29:55.400 bets

00:29:55.740 if your

00:29:56.420 team

00:29:56.660 wins

00:29:57.400 draft

00:29:58.260 king

00:29:58.440 sports

00:29:58.780 book

00:29:58.980 is

00:29:59.160 now

00:29:59.340 live

00:29:59.880 in

00:30:00.060 New

00:30:00.240 York

00:30:00.640 meaning

00:30:01.500 you

00:30:01.660 can

00:30:01.800 bet

00:30:02.000 from

00:30:02.200 almost

00:30:02.540 a

00:30:02.740 third

00:30:03.000 of

00:30:03.240 the

00:30:03.360 country

00:30:03.660 that's

00:30:03.900 powerful

00:30:04.300 new

00:30:05.600 customers

00:30:05.980 can get

00:30:06.280 a free

00:30:06.580 shot

00:30:06.880 at a

00:30:07.100 $1

00:30:07.280 million

00:30:07.500 top

00:30:07.980 prize

00:30:08.340 with

00:30:08.500 their

00:30:08.620 first

00:30:08.860 deposit

00:30:09.340 it's

00:30:12.560 also

00:30:12.800 live

00:30:13.260 in

00:30:14.380 Louisiana

00:30:14.740 now

00:30:15.160 too

00:30:15.480 I

00:30:16.480 just

00:30:16.640 did

00:30:16.800 a

00:30:16.940 video

00:30:17.160 for

00:30:17.360 them

00:30:17.540 download

00:30:18.040 the

00:30:18.280 draft

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00:30:18.780 sports

00:30:19.280 app

00:30:19.620 use

00:30:20.420 promo

00:30:20.720 code

00:30:21.040 THEO

00:30:21.680 get

00:30:21.920 that

00:30:22.100 56

00:30:22.580 to

00:30:22.800 one

00:30:23.040 odd

00:30:23.280 on

00:30:23.420 either

00:30:23.600 team

00:30:24.040 that's

00:30:25.540 right

00:30:25.720 that's

00:30:25.960 promo

00:30:26.140 code

00:30:26.420 THEO

00:30:27.080 at

00:30:27.260 draft

00:30:27.520 king

00:30:27.700 sports

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00:30:28.360 21

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00:30:31.540 vary

00:30:32.180 by

00:30:32.420 jurisdiction

00:30:32.980 if you

00:30:33.620 struggle

00:30:33.920 with

00:30:34.120 gambling

00:30:34.440 this

00:30:34.680 won't

00:30:34.940 be

00:30:35.080 for

00:30:35.280 you

00:30:35.660 so

00:30:36.740 know

00:30:37.000 that

00:30:37.480 see

00:30:38.640 draft

00:30:38.880 kings

00:30:39.060 dot com

00:30:39.420 splash

00:30:39.800 slash

00:30:40.380 sports

00:30:40.660 book

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00:30:41.200 of

00:30:41.440 requirements

00:30:41.880 state

00:30:42.180 specific

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00:30:43.160 gaming

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00:30:46.720 gaming

00:30:47.120 problem

00:30:47.720 call

00:30:48.520 1-800

00:30:48.860 gambler

00:30:49.680 in

00:30:50.780 Tennessee

00:30:51.100 or

00:30:51.340 text

00:30:51.680 call

00:30:52.100 or

00:30:52.240 text

00:30:52.400 the

00:30:52.580 TN

00:30:53.020 red

00:30:53.380 line

00:30:53.780 that's

00:30:53.960 for

00:30:54.080 gambling

00:30:54.420 1-800-889-9789

00:30:56.880 in

00:30:58.180 Connecticut

00:30:58.620 baby

00:30:58.880 if you

00:30:59.060 are

00:30:59.080 in

00:30:59.380 Connecticut

00:30:59.840 baby

00:31:00.200 you

00:31:00.480 can't

00:31:01.460 you

00:31:01.580 wagered

00:31:02.080 it

00:31:02.180 all

00:31:02.480 baby

00:31:02.740 you

00:31:02.880 bet

00:31:03.080 the

00:31:03.280 baby

00:31:03.800 if

00:31:04.780 you

00:31:04.940 bet

00:31:05.200 the

00:31:05.420 baby

00:31:05.900 on

00:31:06.660 the

00:31:06.820 Buffalo

00:31:07.180 bills

00:31:07.740 then

00:31:07.980 you

00:31:08.200 lost

00:31:09.180 it

00:31:09.460 that's

00:31:09.780 okay

00:31:10.140 go

00:31:10.480 bills

00:31:10.920 but

00:31:11.660 call

00:31:11.900 888-789-77777

00:31:14.280 or visit

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00:31:17.680 slash

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00:31:19.140 in

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00:31:19.840 call

00:31:20.120 877-H

00:31:22.240 H-O-P-E-N-Y

00:31:24.380 or text

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00:31:29.920 that's right

00:31:31.340 and they'll

00:31:31.520 help you

00:31:32.080 so anyway

00:31:36.220 that's

00:31:36.680 I had a lot

00:31:37.400 going on

00:31:37.920 I was going

00:31:38.540 through

00:31:38.760 step work

00:31:39.600 I was

00:31:40.040 you know

00:31:42.420 I was

00:31:42.980 doing really

00:31:44.400 good therapy

00:31:45.020 man I

00:31:45.460 finally got

00:31:46.260 a great

00:31:46.700 therapist

00:31:47.140 that I

00:31:47.460 was working

00:31:47.880 with

00:31:48.240 and

00:31:48.480 I was

00:31:49.800 just having

00:31:50.220 conversations

00:31:50.760 that were

00:31:51.040 real

00:31:51.300 because I

00:31:52.080 could access

00:31:52.600 my feeling

00:31:53.260 man my

00:31:53.640 feelings

00:31:54.120 had been

00:31:54.520 like

00:31:54.820 Goldilocks

00:31:55.680 you know

00:31:58.280 they'd been

00:31:58.800 sleeping in my

00:31:59.520 bed but I

00:32:00.120 wasn't home

00:32:00.760 baby

00:32:01.100 you know

00:32:02.240 my feelings

00:32:05.920 had been

00:32:06.520 I mean

00:32:08.560 it had just

00:32:08.980 been this

00:32:09.320 long game

00:32:09.860 of hide

00:32:10.240 and go

00:32:10.500 seek

00:32:10.960 and now

00:32:12.280 they were

00:32:12.540 right there

00:32:12.920 but it

00:32:13.160 was also

00:32:13.660 dude I

00:32:14.880 was having

00:32:15.380 I mean

00:32:16.000 I had

00:32:16.360 afternoons

00:32:17.060 where I

00:32:17.380 wanted

00:32:17.680 you know

00:32:18.700 it was

00:32:20.920 really

00:32:21.440 tough

00:32:21.940 and there's

00:32:24.440 some moments

00:32:24.920 where it

00:32:25.240 is still

00:32:25.660 tough

00:32:26.100 but it

00:32:29.100 was it

00:32:29.620 was man

00:32:30.220 it was

00:32:30.500 really really

00:32:30.940 tough there

00:32:31.360 was moments

00:32:31.900 man where I

00:32:32.440 didn't want to

00:32:32.980 be alive

00:32:33.780 bro

00:32:34.180 there was

00:32:41.500 moments where I

00:32:42.040 didn't want to

00:32:42.380 be alive man

00:32:43.040 honestly and I

00:32:43.720 don't say I'm

00:32:44.240 not trying to

00:32:44.820 be negative I'm

00:32:45.660 not trying to

00:32:46.200 tell you that I

00:32:46.700 don't you

00:32:48.940 know that I

00:32:49.440 don't love

00:32:49.860 myself or

00:32:50.360 anything but

00:32:50.740 it just it

00:32:52.280 hurt you

00:32:53.960 know I've

00:32:54.200 been on

00:32:54.420 antidepressants

00:32:55.080 for 18 16

00:32:56.540 16 years

00:32:57.920 so I

00:33:02.340 there was a

00:33:02.940 lot of

00:33:03.340 stuff

00:33:03.820 you know and

00:33:09.160 I don't even

00:33:09.520 know if I

00:33:09.880 should have

00:33:10.140 shared that

00:33:10.620 story about

00:33:11.040 my mom I've

00:33:11.720 been kind of

00:33:12.880 wondering if I

00:33:13.360 should have

00:33:13.600 shared I

00:33:14.000 don't want

00:33:16.700 I don't

00:33:20.280 want my

00:33:20.660 mother to

00:33:21.680 think that I

00:33:22.020 don't love

00:33:22.400 her

00:33:22.780 but I just

00:33:30.820 I do want to

00:33:31.400 be able to

00:33:31.800 share what

00:33:32.440 go because all

00:33:34.060 the all these

00:33:34.580 years I'm

00:33:34.960 sharing about

00:33:35.520 how my

00:33:35.960 feelings are

00:33:36.600 having I'm

00:33:37.140 having a

00:33:37.460 tough time

00:33:37.960 and then now

00:33:38.460 I'm able to

00:33:38.940 get a moment

00:33:39.460 where oh I

00:33:41.460 see what's

00:33:41.960 going on here

00:33:42.820 I see why

00:33:45.160 I'm all

00:33:45.680 like why I

00:33:46.940 why every

00:33:49.500 time I see

00:33:50.180 like a woman

00:33:50.840 smile something

00:33:52.820 about it make

00:33:53.720 I have to I

00:33:55.580 need that

00:33:56.440 you know if

00:33:58.700 it's you know

00:33:59.460 why the

00:34:00.400 attention of a

00:34:01.340 woman it by

00:34:02.380 everything in

00:34:03.420 me turns

00:34:04.200 I remember

00:34:07.180 one night at

00:34:07.700 the comedy

00:34:08.100 store I

00:34:09.400 think Joey

00:34:10.800 D hasn't been

00:34:11.500 up there

00:34:11.880 bro and he

00:34:12.480 was down

00:34:13.140 he was on

00:34:14.520 you know

00:34:15.140 7,000 he

00:34:16.560 was on some

00:34:17.120 damn uh

00:34:18.100 you know he

00:34:19.720 had a way he

00:34:20.360 was wearing

00:34:20.760 neil diamonds

00:34:21.600 around his

00:34:22.080 neck and he

00:34:22.640 had damn

00:34:23.320 um you

00:34:25.500 know probably

00:34:26.020 80,000

00:34:26.900 milliburts or

00:34:27.820 whatever in

00:34:28.420 him of you

00:34:29.640 know something

00:34:30.160 magical he

00:34:32.660 was just

00:34:33.000 spinning baby he

00:34:33.820 was up there

00:34:34.160 just neil

00:34:34.620 armstrong and

00:34:35.380 with no helmet

00:34:36.440 baby you know

00:34:37.040 what I'm saying

00:34:37.460 he's that Mars

00:34:39.080 daddy bro he

00:34:39.880 was nipping on

00:34:40.640 Neptune

00:34:41.200 he was sitting

00:34:42.880 on Saturn

00:34:43.680 baby he was

00:34:44.340 out there

00:34:45.080 DIY moon

00:34:47.040 landing dog

00:34:47.980 um and I

00:34:52.320 remember I'd

00:34:53.080 had a great

00:34:53.460 conversation with

00:34:54.240 him we'd just

00:34:54.680 been chatting

00:34:55.220 and having a

00:34:55.740 nice time and

00:34:56.460 then I walked

00:34:58.600 out on the

00:34:58.920 porch and there

00:34:59.340 was this pretty

00:34:59.840 there was this

00:35:00.240 attractive girl

00:35:01.160 and I tried to

00:35:05.540 get her attention

00:35:06.140 I couldn't really

00:35:06.700 get it and I

00:35:09.560 saw her a little

00:35:10.080 bit later in

00:35:10.540 the evening

00:35:10.840 and and I

00:35:13.120 tried to get

00:35:13.520 her attention

00:35:13.800 I just I

00:35:15.600 was afraid to

00:35:16.120 approach her

00:35:16.720 and uh and

00:35:21.560 then she I

00:35:23.200 don't know I

00:35:23.520 saw her talking

00:35:23.980 to somebody and

00:35:24.900 then they she

00:35:25.580 left and I

00:35:27.940 was so the

00:35:33.300 fact that she

00:35:34.240 hadn't engaged

00:35:35.740 with me or

00:35:36.380 meant to talk

00:35:37.000 or just or

00:35:37.500 that I hadn't

00:35:38.180 engaged with

00:35:38.640 her something

00:35:39.480 about it not

00:35:41.260 but no blame

00:35:42.120 on her but

00:35:42.420 just the fact

00:35:43.420 that I wasn't

00:35:44.020 brave enough to

00:35:45.060 her or whatever

00:35:45.880 something about

00:35:46.740 that just that I

00:35:47.400 don't even know

00:35:47.860 I don't even I

00:35:48.400 have no idea who

00:35:48.980 she even was but

00:35:50.680 something about that

00:35:51.560 moment I remember

00:35:52.380 that was a night

00:35:53.160 this was years ago

00:35:54.220 but it was a night

00:35:54.740 that I relapsed it

00:35:55.700 was a night where I

00:35:56.460 just I threw in the

00:35:58.380 towels bro fuck I

00:36:00.360 threw in a whole load

00:36:01.500 of laundry dog so it

00:36:05.920 just shows me that

00:36:06.820 there's like it's

00:36:08.400 something about

00:36:08.940 affection and

00:36:10.800 attend if there's

00:36:12.040 some necessary

00:36:12.820 necessary or

00:36:14.180 necessary uh not

00:36:16.360 necessary but some

00:36:17.460 need for an

00:36:18.040 attention um that

00:36:22.200 has a profound

00:36:22.980 effect on me and

00:36:23.800 always has always

00:36:25.020 has um and now I

00:36:30.160 can see why because

00:36:31.220 I there was this

00:36:32.000 thing that I was

00:36:32.760 never getting um

00:36:35.920 and when I saw it

00:36:37.720 between my friends

00:36:38.600 and their moms when

00:36:39.420 I saw I wanted to

00:36:40.560 it made sense why I

00:36:41.540 moved out at 14 why I

00:36:43.060 got emancipated because

00:36:44.180 I needed something

00:36:46.140 you know I needed to

00:36:52.260 be loved I needed to

00:36:53.440 be seen and I needed

00:36:54.880 something

00:36:55.480 I needed something uh

00:37:00.520 and this isn't I'm not

00:37:02.960 I'm not I don't need

00:37:05.200 you to feel sorry for

00:37:06.140 me I don't need that

00:37:09.580 I'm just trying to

00:37:12.940 share my story and

00:37:13.660 it's scary to even

00:37:14.500 share it because I

00:37:15.640 don't even know

00:37:16.220 exactly what my story

00:37:17.340 is but I'm just

00:37:20.240 trying to share you

00:37:20.960 know the first

00:37:21.600 question on this thing

00:37:22.500 that I wrote down is

00:37:23.400 what uh or that the

00:37:25.120 producer wrote down

00:37:25.940 possible topics of

00:37:26.940 discussion how did you

00:37:28.300 spend your January

00:37:29.520 so then I got

00:37:32.960 ayahuasca somebody I

00:37:35.340 talked I don't know

00:37:35.940 Neil Brennan um

00:37:38.160 different people I was

00:37:39.580 talking to had done

00:37:40.380 it I got on the phone

00:37:42.360 with Aubrey Marcus and

00:37:43.500 he was telling me the

00:37:44.680 it just sounded so much

00:37:47.560 like I needed something

00:37:49.000 different

00:37:49.580 and I needed something

00:37:53.520 to look forward to man

00:37:54.800 because I didn't want to

00:37:56.100 get back on the

00:37:56.680 antidepressants uh and

00:38:00.720 when ayahuasca came on

00:38:01.980 you have to be off

00:38:02.940 antidepressant for 30

00:38:04.240 day you got to have a

00:38:06.660 30 day reprieve baby so

00:38:10.500 I'm like oh my god I'm

00:38:11.580 already been off for

00:38:12.640 like 40 days I have to

00:38:15.840 this is I got to do

00:38:16.820 this because the when

00:38:19.020 I'm because I'm thinking

00:38:20.220 about getting back on and

00:38:21.900 I still am because damn

00:38:24.240 I feel like Gene bro

00:38:26.800 I feel like Gene in the

00:38:30.940 sun

00:38:31.340 man I just realized that I

00:38:39.640 feel like damn Gene

00:38:40.960 I was wondering man I

00:38:44.920 I was wondering why that

00:38:46.320 story was coming into my

00:38:47.760 head

00:38:48.220 wow sorry man I just uh

00:38:55.920 that's how I felt being

00:39:00.200 off antidepressants I was

00:39:01.440 missing my skin man I was

00:39:05.000 missing my skin dude I

00:39:08.160 remember I stopped at a

00:39:09.120 damn Starbucks I was

00:39:10.360 crying this was a crazy

00:39:12.260 moment I was sitting there

00:39:13.180 my friend I was like bro

00:39:14.280 you got him I'm balling

00:39:15.540 on the phone because all

00:39:16.840 these feel all this years

00:39:18.800 worth of feeling coming out

00:39:21.360 just anything I see some

00:39:25.860 dad walk across the parking

00:39:27.220 lot with his son and it just

00:39:29.280 would spiral me all these

00:39:34.080 feelings that had been

00:39:34.960 trapped behind this

00:39:36.760 medication and that might not

00:39:39.100 be what it's like for

00:39:39.880 everybody this is what it

00:39:40.820 was like for me but the

00:39:42.700 craziest part I remember I

00:39:44.060 invited or one thing that

00:39:45.200 was crazy I was I was

00:39:47.120 having a moment man and I

00:39:48.740 had my buddy meet me over

00:39:50.200 at uh my friend Tim great

00:39:52.540 guy meet me at uh

00:39:54.440 Starbucks he's like just

00:39:56.500 meet me somewhere man what's

00:39:57.460 going on and so I meet him

00:39:59.160 and I'm like I'm just you

00:40:00.680 know fuck I'm being a and

00:40:02.920 it's not even I'm being a

00:40:03.760 little bitch it's just this

00:40:04.680 shit would've been in me so

00:40:07.920 once you're off the

00:40:09.080 medication it's like somebody

00:40:10.320 lights the fuse and it's

00:40:11.420 like the fourth of July but

00:40:12.640 all the fireworks are old

00:40:16.280 shit and like uh they're all

00:40:19.200 fucking there's no fire I

00:40:20.660 mean they're fiery but them

00:40:22.380 bitches got a lot of salt

00:40:23.400 water in them baby it's a lot

00:40:24.540 of weird feelings you know so

00:40:27.600 I'm sitting there and I'm

00:40:28.480 just emoting to my friend

00:40:30.000 Tim and just telling him

00:40:30.920 what's going on and some guy

00:40:32.500 drives past it's like kind of

00:40:34.460 bumper to bumper traffic

00:40:35.620 because I'm facing out from

00:40:37.360 the starbuck on a busy

00:40:39.180 street and he yells out he's

00:40:41.380 like he honks on he's like

00:40:42.360 gang gang and I'm just I

00:40:44.200 look up at him and my face

00:40:45.920 is just riddled with tears

00:40:48.660 man uh but anyway man uh

00:40:57.280 anyway so I wanted to do into

00:41:00.700 ayahuasca so I signed up I

00:41:04.280 signed up man and um and that

00:41:09.800 was scary I was excited about

00:41:15.040 it because I had a goal

00:41:16.300 because I didn't know how long

00:41:20.000 I could be out there off those

00:41:21.360 meds without some type of a

00:41:22.820 goal you know I was going to

00:41:24.700 meetings every day uh and I

00:41:29.360 really kind of isolated myself

00:41:31.160 over the over the years in some

00:41:32.940 ways something inside of me I

00:41:36.580 had made me very angry I was

00:41:39.100 in conflict with a lot of

00:41:40.440 people I mean the reason I did

00:41:44.380 all of this even got off the

00:41:45.560 meds and I was just desperate

00:41:47.440 man I was desperate for

00:41:51.780 something different I

00:41:52.820 couldn't honestly I couldn't go

00:41:54.580 on living uh I couldn't go on

00:42:00.020 living like I was living

00:42:01.000 you know and that's scary to

00:42:08.020 think man when your life is

00:42:09.160 going I mean you look at my

00:42:11.580 life it would seem to anybody

00:42:13.020 like man

00:42:13.760 and I I was in pain I don't know

00:42:21.520 why exactly I'm not sure I'm

00:42:25.620 still figuring it out but I was

00:42:29.440 in pain I was trying to be as

00:42:30.780 grateful as I could

00:42:31.740 and um but I didn't feel like

00:42:35.940 myself anymore I didn't feel as

00:42:39.180 whimsical I didn't feel as I

00:42:41.900 didn't feel like myself

00:42:43.000 anyway I don't know man you know

00:42:52.200 I don't know if I should have

00:42:53.240 shared all this and

00:42:54.260 but I want to be able to share my

00:42:59.980 truth you know and uh

00:43:01.880 and I gotta realize sometimes my

00:43:07.180 truth is I see other people and

00:43:08.980 they're doing great they seem happy

00:43:10.340 they're doing well and this and

00:43:11.980 that and so I don't want to be me

00:43:14.900 then I want to be them and so

00:43:19.360 sometimes I don't share my truth

00:43:20.900 because

00:43:21.660 I guess because I sometimes I

00:43:29.500 don't know what it is and

00:43:32.400 sometimes I'm afraid that people

00:43:33.840 won't like it if I do share it

00:43:35.700 or they'll judge me or

00:43:39.460 and I don't want to be the person

00:43:43.060 that's always not feeling good that's

00:43:45.940 what I had also kind of become in

00:43:47.520 some ways in my in some ways um

00:43:51.000 so but that also propelled me to

00:43:56.900 want to get better but I just uh

00:44:00.140 I don't know everybody loved me and

00:44:04.080 I didn't love me

00:44:04.780 and not everybody but a lot of

00:44:09.240 people loved me and I didn't love

00:44:10.440 me and I didn't know what was going

00:44:11.680 on um so I got so I got to the

00:44:15.920 ayahuasca baby and damn bro damn

00:44:20.120 boy mother nature's got some hard

00:44:24.080 tits baby and she breaks them out

00:44:26.020 and she'll put dude mother nature

00:44:29.060 break out of damn penis and let you

00:44:30.900 slurp I mean she really she'll let

00:44:33.080 you slurp on it dog I mean I'm just

00:44:34.860 saying it is ayahuasca is like it's

00:44:39.200 going to God's garage baby it's going

00:44:43.740 to God's garage

00:44:45.260 I didn't know I had no idea

00:44:52.400 I had no idea man what it was going

00:44:57.640 to be like

00:44:58.220 and I did the shit hell dude some

00:45:01.400 people go to damn China or you know

00:45:03.060 not China I mean they're doing

00:45:04.280 whatever

00:45:05.640 they're doing the damn cough bat or

00:45:08.460 whatever over there they're sucking

00:45:09.680 on but

00:45:10.160 um I uh I did yeah I mean the place

00:45:18.180 some people go to Chile or uh Costa

00:45:22.140 Rica you know foreign Honduran

00:45:24.640 somewhere you know I went right off

00:45:29.100 the interstate man in Los Angeles I

00:45:32.220 mean this you could almost hear the

00:45:33.760 cars going by sometimes and it was

00:45:38.300 with a group it was with a really uh

00:45:40.320 renowned group and that and I it

00:45:43.700 came highly trusted from a couple

00:45:45.200 friends

00:45:45.680 and uh and so I went I signed up

00:45:49.600 and you go in there and everybody

00:45:52.800 you're in this big circle and every

00:45:54.200 they have a bunch of altars kind of

00:45:55.700 built with all these different little

00:45:57.220 it doesn't feel wicked it's just about

00:46:01.240 like doing Nate just like really getting

00:46:03.240 back all the gods are on the altars

00:46:04.980 all the most famous gods anyway um

00:46:08.060 you know

00:46:09.880 uh

00:46:11.940 yeah all the famous gods are on

00:46:14.720 there and so you know there's that

00:46:16.040 and then just

00:46:16.600 you take the you drink one meta you

00:46:18.920 drink another and I didn't know

00:46:19.760 anybody there

00:46:20.440 that's how desperate I was there was

00:46:23.300 another one that was like 10 days

00:46:24.860 later

00:46:25.180 and I was like I don't know if I can

00:46:27.020 get to 10 days later

00:46:28.240 without either getting back on

00:46:31.040 medication or uh

00:46:32.800 or just I don't know if I can go

00:46:35.720 I just don't want to wait

00:46:37.140 I don't want to wait

00:46:39.640 and uh

00:46:41.720 so yeah bro so I you know I took it

00:46:45.220 and

00:46:45.560 you're sitting there and it's really

00:46:47.100 like a meditative thing

00:46:48.640 to me it seems like a meditative

00:46:51.920 meditation additive

00:46:53.380 because you're kind of sitting there

00:46:56.580 and I'm trying to think more about

00:47:01.780 oh

00:47:03.040 and they're playing beautiful music

00:47:07.420 I mean damn

00:47:08.340 like somebody stole uh

00:47:11.820 Jesus Christ or Gabriel's playlist

00:47:15.380 or whatever

00:47:16.000 they somebody snagged it

00:47:17.880 you know like somebody beat you know

00:47:21.040 like somebody squeezed uh

00:47:24.040 Beethoven's ear drums

00:47:25.920 right into the speakers

00:47:27.340 I mean they're just

00:47:28.020 they're playing beautiful music

00:47:30.880 and uh

00:47:34.800 and

00:47:36.560 and yeah

00:47:38.700 and you're sitting there

00:47:39.400 and then this

00:47:39.780 you kind of start to meditate

00:47:41.060 and the next thing you know

00:47:41.920 your meditation kind of just goes

00:47:43.300 to a new place

00:47:44.180 and man

00:47:44.600 I started crying

00:47:47.260 I started emoting tears

00:47:49.260 just I mean

00:47:50.000 just damn

00:47:51.140 like I was a dispensary

00:47:52.220 like I was uh

00:47:53.240 you know a suboxone clinic

00:47:55.400 and I'm just

00:47:56.460 this shit's just dripping

00:47:57.400 out of my face

00:47:58.220 baby like methadone

00:47:59.180 this shit is just

00:47:59.960 I mean

00:48:01.000 people just kept pressing

00:48:02.240 the serving button

00:48:03.140 and I'm just

00:48:04.460 like when you do that

00:48:07.500 extreme wash

00:48:08.440 at the car wash

00:48:09.220 and that

00:48:09.500 they you know

00:48:10.160 them big blasters

00:48:11.240 come on

00:48:11.860 bam bam bam bam bam bam

00:48:13.300 that's what I was

00:48:14.480 that's where I was at

00:48:15.740 and my

00:48:18.240 just tears

00:48:18.760 just flowing out of me

00:48:19.720 just grief

00:48:21.620 years of just

00:48:22.680 grief

00:48:23.880 coming out of me

00:48:24.740 and little things

00:48:27.720 start to come up

00:48:28.300 it's like

00:48:28.660 honestly it's like

00:48:29.420 God just kind of

00:48:30.160 tells you the truth

00:48:31.040 in a way

00:48:31.560 in a comfortable way

00:48:33.320 though

00:48:33.620 it's like a best friend

00:48:36.280 you always wanted

00:48:37.120 kind of

00:48:37.600 and I just started

00:48:40.600 just certain things

00:48:41.720 came up in

00:48:42.480 inside of me

00:48:43.960 and that were really

00:48:44.700 real things

00:48:45.740 um

00:48:46.460 certain moments

00:48:48.140 and memories

00:48:48.780 uh

00:48:49.240 um

00:48:51.680 dude I

00:48:54.080 yeah

00:48:54.460 and I

00:48:54.920 I would go drink

00:48:55.840 water

00:48:56.180 like three or four

00:48:56.800 glasses of water

00:48:57.580 and then I wouldn't

00:48:58.240 even have to pee

00:48:58.840 later

00:48:59.160 and I'd get thirsty

00:48:59.980 again

00:49:00.200 because I was just

00:49:01.380 bawling

00:49:02.260 I mean just like

00:49:03.440 some realizations

00:49:06.280 people that I needed

00:49:07.080 to make amends to

00:49:08.140 you know

00:49:10.300 uh

00:49:10.840 an ex-girlfriend

00:49:12.360 came up in

00:49:13.000 and it told me

00:49:13.720 that

00:49:13.960 oh you know

00:49:14.860 I really had uh

00:49:16.240 neglected that

00:49:18.160 relationship

00:49:18.780 for myself

00:49:19.720 I should

00:49:20.240 part of me

00:49:21.080 wanted me to try

00:49:21.940 harder in that

00:49:22.580 relationship

00:49:23.140 things like that

00:49:24.120 where you're like

00:49:24.660 oh wow

00:49:25.300 it's almost like

00:49:28.160 your heart gets to

00:49:29.040 talk

00:49:29.360 and your heart

00:49:32.960 says like

00:49:33.580 hey

00:49:33.820 I really

00:49:35.460 this I really

00:49:36.320 wanted

00:49:36.740 uh

00:49:38.740 this happened

00:49:39.580 um

00:49:41.320 and you really

00:49:43.560 are talking

00:49:43.920 you start to

00:49:44.360 talk to like

00:49:44.840 this inner

00:49:45.340 child

00:49:45.820 you

00:49:46.080 this is how

00:49:46.600 this this

00:49:47.160 part sounds

00:49:47.640 wild to some

00:49:48.220 people but

00:49:48.720 you start

00:49:51.200 realizing that

00:49:52.040 there's this

00:49:52.520 like the

00:49:52.940 young you

00:49:53.600 the little

00:49:54.120 you

00:49:54.540 is always

00:49:56.580 been inside

00:49:57.480 of you

00:49:57.700 and alive

00:49:58.300 and

00:50:00.940 yeah it

00:50:03.740 was I mean

00:50:04.220 it was powerful

00:50:04.940 man

00:50:05.320 it was real

00:50:07.320 powerful

00:50:07.820 uh

00:50:09.200 I'll tell you

00:50:11.520 a little bit

00:50:11.780 more about it

00:50:12.200 let me think

00:50:12.520 more what I can

00:50:13.040 tell you about

00:50:13.520 it

00:50:13.660 and if you

00:50:14.080 have questions

00:50:14.520 you can always

00:50:14.980 hit the hotline

00:50:15.520 985-664-9503

00:50:18.420 um

00:50:19.780 um

00:50:21.200 here I gotta

00:50:22.340 do uh

00:50:22.840 these other ads

00:50:23.580 man and then

00:50:23.940 I'll tell you a

00:50:24.380 little bit more

00:50:24.880 about what

00:50:25.400 happened man

00:50:26.080 uh

00:50:26.900 I'm gonna let

00:50:28.400 you know about

00:50:28.820 upstart

00:50:29.600 upstart

00:50:31.120 what would you

00:50:31.680 do if you

00:50:32.220 didn't have any

00:50:32.720 high interest

00:50:33.320 loan or credit

00:50:34.400 card debt

00:50:35.100 would you move

00:50:36.340 to a new city

00:50:36.940 would you start

00:50:37.380 a farm maybe

00:50:38.160 do a little

00:50:39.380 farming with

00:50:39.960 your cousin

00:50:40.540 hit a little

00:50:41.980 ass all

00:50:42.540 we want

00:50:42.800 to farm

00:50:43.260 and now

00:50:43.580 you you

00:50:44.020 know he's

00:50:45.020 always leaving

00:50:45.520 seed on your

00:50:46.300 doorstep

00:50:47.020 and whispering

00:50:48.460 you know uh

00:50:49.260 baby carrots

00:50:49.980 and in in in

00:50:52.140 your wife's ear

00:50:52.920 thing like that

00:50:53.900 you know

00:50:54.220 beets

00:50:54.840 lettuce

00:50:55.800 you know

00:50:57.440 milo

00:50:58.920 corn

00:50:59.480 you know

00:50:59.960 what I'm saying

00:51:00.260 so maybe that

00:51:01.520 could happen

00:51:02.060 if you had extra

00:51:03.240 money if you got

00:51:03.760 to pay off your

00:51:04.280 existing debt

00:51:05.320 with a personal

00:51:06.500 loan

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00:51:13.660 people have used

00:51:14.280 upstart to get

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00:51:36.340 income

00:51:37.020 and certain

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00:52:45.760 slash

00:52:46.220 theo

00:52:46.540 the ayahuasca

00:52:51.620 was really

00:52:52.140 I mean it was

00:52:52.600 just you're

00:52:52.980 sitting in a

00:52:53.440 circle and

00:52:53.840 people are

00:52:54.320 bombing

00:52:54.680 people are

00:52:55.840 emoting

00:52:56.340 they're sharing

00:52:56.880 you know like

00:52:57.540 sometimes people

00:52:58.240 are laughing

00:52:58.760 you're just

00:52:59.100 going through

00:53:00.000 it's like

00:53:01.220 your heart

00:53:01.780 and your

00:53:02.120 brain

00:53:02.560 and God

00:53:03.180 serve up

00:53:03.920 things that

00:53:04.500 I don't know

00:53:06.680 all types

00:53:07.220 of things

00:53:07.840 man I'm

00:53:10.800 trying to put

00:53:11.360 it into

00:53:11.660 words

00:53:12.200 it's really

00:53:12.820 hard

00:53:13.360 and the

00:53:19.120 music is so

00:53:19.880 beautiful

00:53:20.120 your brain

00:53:20.580 will just

00:53:20.880 go off

00:53:21.320 on like

00:53:21.580 your heart

00:53:22.360 will really

00:53:22.760 just go

00:53:23.200 off on a

00:53:23.820 tangent

00:53:24.220 it's almost

00:53:25.000 like your

00:53:25.400 heart gets

00:53:26.000 a brain

00:53:26.640 and there

00:53:34.380 was some

00:53:34.660 different

00:53:34.880 things I

00:53:35.300 realized

00:53:35.720 I realized

00:53:36.300 that if

00:53:36.680 I

00:53:37.120 well I

00:53:42.300 realized a

00:53:42.700 couple of

00:53:43.040 kind of sad

00:53:44.020 things popped

00:53:44.440 up like one

00:53:45.000 was that

00:53:45.560 at some

00:53:46.660 point when I

00:53:47.060 was a

00:53:47.280 child I

00:53:47.680 wanted to

00:53:48.040 be a

00:53:48.320 girl

00:53:48.680 because I

00:53:51.480 thought if I

00:53:52.060 was a

00:53:52.420 girl then

00:53:54.220 maybe somebody

00:53:54.780 would love

00:53:55.200 me

00:53:56.640 you know

00:53:57.760 and that

00:54:02.200 come it

00:54:02.640 bubbles up

00:54:03.240 and it's

00:54:03.460 like it's

00:54:03.840 such a

00:54:04.220 real when

00:54:06.220 I realized

00:54:06.700 that it

00:54:06.940 broke my

00:54:07.260 heart because

00:54:07.720 it's sad

00:54:08.200 to think

00:54:08.560 that it's

00:54:09.920 sad to

00:54:10.280 think that

00:54:10.600 there's a

00:54:10.920 child out

00:54:11.420 there who

00:54:11.920 thinks that

00:54:12.960 maybe the

00:54:13.560 thing that's

00:54:14.040 wrong with

00:54:14.480 them is

00:54:14.800 what everything

00:54:15.420 that they

00:54:15.820 are you

00:54:18.660 know and

00:54:18.940 at some

00:54:19.260 point in

00:54:19.700 myself I

00:54:20.320 thought that

00:54:20.780 about myself

00:54:21.400 I thought

00:54:23.620 that at my

00:54:24.060 very core

00:54:24.880 at my

00:54:25.240 masculinity

00:54:26.140 that I

00:54:28.540 was wrong

00:54:29.160 I was

00:54:30.120 broken or

00:54:32.800 whatever

00:54:33.160 or that if

00:54:35.260 I if my

00:54:35.920 if maybe if

00:54:36.760 I was a

00:54:37.180 different if

00:54:37.880 I had been

00:54:38.280 a woman

00:54:38.700 then maybe

00:54:39.220 my parents

00:54:40.680 would love

00:54:41.060 me or

00:54:41.540 whatever

00:54:41.860 whatever I

00:54:42.760 needed would

00:54:43.280 be provided

00:54:44.360 and that

00:54:47.080 so things like

00:54:48.380 that will come

00:54:48.940 up and it's

00:54:49.760 such a real

00:54:50.500 thing that's

00:54:51.060 hit there's

00:54:51.740 no way it

00:54:52.420 couldn't be the

00:54:52.940 truth it's

00:54:53.560 so it just

00:54:54.340 grips you

00:54:55.160 and that

00:54:57.900 was really

00:54:58.320 heartbreaking

00:54:58.800 so things

00:54:59.660 like that

00:54:59.980 come up

00:55:00.320 and you're

00:55:00.560 kind of

00:55:00.820 grieving

00:55:01.260 them

00:55:01.620 so I'm

00:55:05.020 just sitting

00:55:05.440 there ball

00:55:05.920 and I'm

00:55:06.420 kind of

00:55:06.760 suffering

00:55:07.160 you just

00:55:07.540 kind of

00:55:07.840 cry in

00:55:08.680 silence

00:55:09.140 like and

00:55:09.800 everybody in

00:55:10.420 a circle

00:55:10.800 is doing

00:55:11.240 it so

00:55:12.280 it's not

00:55:12.760 like

00:55:13.220 and then

00:55:17.300 there's these

00:55:17.660 people that

00:55:18.140 are like

00:55:18.400 angels that

00:55:19.420 are like

00:55:19.760 there's a

00:55:20.400 shaman

00:55:20.760 sorry this

00:55:21.320 isn't it's

00:55:21.780 not like

00:55:22.460 everybody's

00:55:24.100 just like

00:55:24.400 on a

00:55:24.740 zoom

00:55:25.060 you know

00:55:25.660 or listening

00:55:26.120 to some

00:55:26.580 you know

00:55:26.940 a book

00:55:27.820 on tape

00:55:28.280 there's a

00:55:28.700 shaman

00:55:29.040 and he's

00:55:31.100 like kind

00:55:31.480 of leading

00:55:31.900 the charge

00:55:32.620 and man

00:55:34.920 it was

00:55:35.160 amazing

00:55:35.720 it was

00:55:37.640 amazing

00:55:38.060 and then

00:55:38.360 there's these

00:55:38.700 moments where

00:55:39.180 if you really

00:55:39.640 are suffering

00:55:40.420 and the

00:55:41.260 shaman I

00:55:41.700 guess sees

00:55:42.080 that they

00:55:42.300 have these

00:55:42.720 these workers

00:55:43.780 that are with

00:55:44.240 the shaman

00:55:44.660 he sends

00:55:45.160 them over

00:55:45.700 to be

00:55:46.420 there with

00:55:46.860 you

00:55:47.120 and I

00:55:50.360 remember

00:55:50.480 one time

00:55:50.880 I looked

00:55:51.280 up

00:55:51.500 and there

00:55:51.700 was this

00:55:52.100 it was a

00:55:52.660 young woman

00:55:53.120 sitting there

00:55:53.600 with me

00:55:53.980 and just

00:55:54.280 sitting

00:55:54.580 and they

00:55:54.900 don't say

00:55:55.220 anything

00:55:55.700 they just

00:55:57.360 sit with

00:55:57.800 you

00:55:58.040 and

00:56:02.140 when that

00:56:04.080 happened

00:56:04.440 I brought

00:56:05.100 dude

00:56:05.440 I

00:56:05.720 I mean

00:56:06.760 it was

00:56:07.260 like

00:56:07.660 man

00:56:08.240 I really

00:56:10.240 unloaded

00:56:10.900 because

00:56:11.600 all my

00:56:13.140 life

00:56:13.620 I just

00:56:15.100 wanted

00:56:15.400 somebody

00:56:15.780 to be

00:56:16.380 there

00:56:16.640 with

00:56:16.960 me

00:56:17.400 while

00:56:19.200 I

00:56:19.740 hurt

00:56:21.540 I

00:56:25.920 just

00:56:26.140 didn't

00:56:26.420 want

00:56:26.580 to

00:56:26.680 hurt

00:56:26.860 alone

00:56:27.240 I

00:56:29.220 didn't

00:56:29.460 need

00:56:29.620 somebody

00:56:29.880 telling

00:56:30.280 me

00:56:30.440 what

00:56:30.620 to

00:56:30.800 do

00:56:31.080 I

00:56:31.300 didn't

00:56:31.540 need

00:56:31.700 somebody

00:56:31.940 telling

00:56:32.320 me

00:56:32.500 how

00:56:32.640 to

00:56:32.780 feel

00:56:33.160 I

00:56:33.760 didn't

00:56:34.040 need

00:56:34.220 somebody

00:56:34.520 telling

00:56:34.940 me

00:56:35.140 what

00:56:35.360 I

00:56:36.300 could

00:56:36.520 have

00:56:36.640 done

00:56:36.840 better

00:56:37.200 so

00:56:38.740 that

00:56:38.900 I

00:56:39.060 wouldn't

00:56:39.320 have

00:56:39.500 been

00:56:39.800 feeling

00:56:40.120 the

00:56:40.300 way

00:56:40.440 I

00:56:40.640 did

00:56:40.880 which

00:56:43.200 is

00:56:43.360 probably

00:56:43.600 what

00:56:43.820 I

00:56:43.960 got

00:56:44.240 I

00:56:45.340 got

00:56:45.580 a

00:56:45.800 lot

00:56:46.080 of

00:56:46.280 growing

00:56:46.920 up

00:56:47.120 I

00:56:47.240 got

00:56:47.400 a lot

00:56:47.740 of

00:56:47.840 you

00:56:47.940 need

00:56:48.100 to

00:56:48.200 do

00:56:48.340 these

00:56:48.600 chores

00:56:48.880 you

00:56:49.060 need

00:56:49.220 to

00:56:49.340 do

00:56:49.500 this

00:56:49.840 you

00:56:50.000 need

00:56:50.180 to

00:56:50.300 do

00:56:50.480 these

00:56:50.840 things

00:56:51.260 you

00:56:51.440 need

00:56:51.560 to

00:56:51.680 take

00:56:51.860 care

00:56:52.060 of

00:56:52.200 yourself

00:56:52.600 but

00:56:53.420 I

00:56:53.560 never

00:56:53.840 got

00:56:54.200 any

00:56:54.540 of

00:56:54.780 the

00:56:55.080 I'm

00:56:56.560 here

00:56:56.780 for

00:56:57.000 you

00:56:57.340 no

00:56:59.760 matter

00:57:00.000 what

00:57:00.420 I

00:57:01.820 never

00:57:02.060 got

00:57:02.300 an

00:57:02.460 ounce

00:57:02.700 of

00:57:02.900 it

00:57:03.120 so

00:57:05.740 so

00:57:05.760 when

00:57:05.940 this

00:57:06.140 person

00:57:06.460 came

00:57:06.720 and

00:57:06.880 sat

00:57:07.140 there

00:57:07.320 then

00:57:07.540 I

00:57:07.720 blew

00:57:08.020 up

00:57:08.260 again

00:57:08.500 I'm

00:57:08.640 like

00:57:08.820 oh

00:57:09.100 my

00:57:09.320 god

00:57:09.600 all

00:57:09.900 I

00:57:10.060 ever

00:57:10.300 wanted

00:57:10.680 was

00:57:10.940 somebody

00:57:11.340 to

00:57:11.520 be

00:57:11.720 there

00:57:11.940 with

00:57:12.220 me

00:57:12.500 while

00:57:13.860 I

00:57:14.360 wasn't

00:57:15.980 feeling

00:57:16.340 good

00:57:16.680 and so

00:57:18.740 it's

00:57:18.940 not even

00:57:19.320 adult

00:57:19.660 stuff

00:57:19.880 it's

00:57:20.040 just

00:57:20.240 moments

00:57:20.840 from

00:57:21.080 childhood

00:57:21.740 that

00:57:22.020 are

00:57:22.180 just

00:57:22.420 trapped

00:57:22.920 in

00:57:23.160 you

00:57:23.380 and

00:57:24.820 a

00:57:25.000 lot

00:57:25.200 of

00:57:25.340 those

00:57:25.540 with

00:57:25.700 the

00:57:25.840 ayahuasca

00:57:26.540 baby

00:57:26.840 then

00:57:27.020 things

00:57:27.300 come

00:57:27.560 ripping

00:57:27.960 I

00:57:28.100 mean

00:57:28.200 they

00:57:28.360 are

00:57:28.540 they're

00:57:28.740 like

00:57:28.920 fireworks

00:57:29.480 they

00:57:29.740 come

00:57:29.980 ripping

00:57:30.640 out

00:57:31.000 of

00:57:31.120 you

00:57:31.300 what

00:57:31.660 is

00:57:31.760 this

00:57:31.940 plant

00:57:32.660 god

00:57:35.020 dang

00:57:35.640 sorry

00:57:38.000 got a

00:57:38.720 fake

00:57:38.900 plant

00:57:39.140 here

00:57:39.260 this

00:57:39.360 thing

00:57:39.480 119

00:57:40.200 dollars

00:57:40.540 and this

00:57:40.800 bitch

00:57:40.980 won't

00:57:41.140 leave me

00:57:41.400 alone

00:57:42.120 so

00:57:53.700 man

00:57:54.300 it was

00:57:54.560 just

00:57:54.740 powerful

00:57:55.220 it was

00:57:55.800 a lot

00:57:56.260 there was

00:57:57.240 a lot

00:57:57.500 of things

00:57:57.740 there's

00:57:58.120 things

00:57:58.300 I'm

00:57:58.460 even

00:57:58.640 embarrassed

00:57:59.020 to

00:57:59.180 even

00:57:59.300 say

00:57:59.620 man

00:58:00.000 you

00:58:03.780 know

00:58:03.920 because

00:58:04.060 I

00:58:04.180 don't

00:58:04.280 want

00:58:04.520 to

00:58:04.580 sound

00:58:04.740 like

00:58:04.900 a

00:58:05.020 wimp

00:58:05.280 and

00:58:07.900 that's

00:58:08.140 okay

00:58:08.480 you

00:58:08.700 know

00:58:08.860 one

00:58:12.940 thing

00:58:13.120 I've

00:58:13.280 noticed

00:58:13.500 about

00:58:13.700 myself

00:58:14.000 my

00:58:14.220 whole

00:58:14.480 life

00:58:14.780 I've

00:58:15.020 shared

00:58:15.480 I've

00:58:17.400 just

00:58:17.580 I've

00:58:17.820 needed

00:58:18.080 affection

00:58:18.580 I've

00:58:18.880 needed

00:58:19.120 some

00:58:19.540 attention

00:58:21.540 I've

00:58:21.840 needed

00:58:22.000 people

00:58:22.300 to

00:58:22.460 care

00:58:22.740 because

00:58:23.980 I

00:58:24.220 didn't

00:58:24.480 have

00:58:24.740 it

00:58:25.020 and

00:58:25.520 so

00:58:25.960 anything

00:58:27.320 has

00:58:27.600 been

00:58:27.740 negotiable

00:58:28.360 for me

00:58:28.900 in a

00:58:29.400 weird

00:58:29.620 way

00:58:29.920 over

00:58:30.140 my

00:58:30.400 life

00:58:30.860 and

00:58:34.140 some

00:58:34.380 of

00:58:34.460 this

00:58:34.580 I

00:58:34.700 want

00:58:34.820 to

00:58:34.920 share

00:58:35.080 because

00:58:35.300 I

00:58:35.480 know

00:58:35.600 there's

00:58:35.780 a lot

00:58:36.040 of

00:58:36.120 guys

00:58:36.360 out

00:58:36.500 there

00:58:36.620 that

00:58:36.780 kind

00:58:36.960 of

00:58:37.040 struggle

00:58:37.300 with

00:58:37.480 similar

00:58:37.760 stuff

00:58:38.040 that

00:58:38.180 I

00:58:38.320 do

00:58:38.500 you

00:58:40.140 see

00:58:40.660 I

00:58:40.680 see it

00:58:40.760 in

00:58:40.840 their

00:58:40.960 eyes

00:58:41.220 when

00:58:41.340 we

00:58:41.480 meet

00:58:41.680 after

00:58:41.880 the

00:58:42.060 shows

00:58:42.320 or

00:58:42.440 people

00:58:45.000 that

00:58:45.240 come

00:58:45.440 up

00:58:45.600 to

00:58:45.720 me

00:58:45.860 and

00:58:45.980 say

00:58:46.140 hey

00:58:46.400 I

00:58:46.740 see

00:58:47.000 it

00:58:47.240 I

00:58:48.620 don't

00:58:48.760 think

00:58:48.940 I'm

00:58:49.060 a rare

00:58:49.400 case

00:58:49.760 in

00:58:49.880 the

00:58:50.000 world

00:58:50.240 or

00:58:50.400 nothing

00:58:50.640 like

00:58:50.940 that

00:58:51.880 you

00:58:56.880 know

00:58:57.240 and

00:58:58.680 look

00:58:58.820 I

00:58:58.920 know

00:58:59.040 that

00:58:59.180 a lot

00:58:59.380 of

00:58:59.440 this

00:58:59.580 is

00:58:59.700 all

00:58:59.900 over

00:59:00.100 the

00:59:00.220 place

00:59:00.480 it's

00:59:01.140 still

00:59:01.580 all

00:59:01.780 over

00:59:01.920 the

00:59:02.040 place

00:59:02.240 for

00:59:02.400 me

00:59:02.680 that

00:59:05.340 was

00:59:05.540 about

00:59:05.840 two

00:59:06.260 three

00:59:06.580 weeks

00:59:06.860 ago

00:59:07.220 and

00:59:07.880 I'm

00:59:08.040 going

00:59:08.280 again

00:59:08.760 in

00:59:08.940 a

00:59:09.060 week

00:59:09.200 and

00:59:09.340 a

00:59:09.420 half

00:59:09.760 to

00:59:10.720 do

00:59:10.920 it

00:59:11.060 again

00:59:11.440 I've

00:59:15.200 had

00:59:15.340 friends

00:59:15.600 tell me

00:59:15.900 that

00:59:16.040 they

00:59:16.200 did

00:59:16.460 it

00:59:16.580 a

00:59:16.700 certain

00:59:16.900 number

00:59:17.120 of

00:59:17.240 times

00:59:17.480 and

00:59:17.620 they

00:59:17.860 never

00:59:18.120 needed

00:59:18.400 to

00:59:18.580 do

00:59:18.700 antidepressants

00:59:19.380 again

00:59:19.740 I

00:59:22.040 don't

00:59:22.220 know

00:59:22.380 if

00:59:22.540 I'll

00:59:22.680 be

00:59:22.780 able

00:59:22.880 to

00:59:23.000 get

00:59:23.160 there

00:59:23.500 you

00:59:26.520 know

00:59:26.680 I

00:59:26.840 think

00:59:27.120 you

00:59:29.580 know

00:59:29.720 I

00:59:29.840 don't

00:59:29.980 know

00:59:30.200 I'm

00:59:30.420 trying

00:59:30.780 so

00:59:32.480 that

00:59:34.460 would

00:59:34.600 be

00:59:34.760 nice

00:59:35.180 but

00:59:36.520 if

00:59:36.680 not

00:59:36.980 then

00:59:37.180 maybe

00:59:37.440 I'll

00:59:37.760 have

00:59:38.300 to

00:59:38.420 get

00:59:38.540 back

00:59:38.760 on

00:59:38.940 something

00:59:39.280 and

00:59:39.980 that's

00:59:40.220 okay

00:59:40.460 too

00:59:40.740 none

00:59:41.240 of

00:59:41.340 this

00:59:41.480 is

00:59:41.600 a

00:59:41.760 judgment

00:59:42.060 if

00:59:42.260 anybody's

00:59:42.720 on

00:59:42.860 a

00:59:43.020 pill

00:59:43.260 or

00:59:43.460 anything

00:59:43.760 look

00:59:44.180 part

00:59:46.680 of me

00:59:46.860 still

00:59:47.080 doesn't

00:59:47.340 know

00:59:47.520 whether

00:59:47.880 if

00:59:48.080 I

00:59:48.200 should

00:59:48.380 have

00:59:48.440 just

00:59:48.580 got

00:59:48.800 onto

00:59:48.960 a

00:59:49.140 different

00:59:49.740 or

00:59:49.980 something

00:59:50.320 but

00:59:50.660 I

00:59:51.720 don't

00:59:51.900 know

00:59:52.080 if

00:59:52.240 I

00:59:52.360 had

00:59:52.540 another

00:59:52.800 choice

00:59:53.200 the

00:59:53.920 the

00:59:55.800 pain

00:59:56.080 and

00:59:56.240 sodomy

00:59:56.600 was

00:59:56.860 it

00:59:57.420 was

00:59:57.720 coming

00:59:58.000 out

00:59:58.280 of

00:59:58.380 me

00:59:58.500 it

00:59:58.760 was

00:59:58.940 breaking

00:59:59.840 through

01:00:00.120 it

01:00:00.260 was

01:00:00.440 like

01:00:00.760 I

01:00:01.340 was

01:00:01.540 angry

01:00:01.960 I

01:00:02.160 was

01:00:02.320 miserable

01:00:02.760 and

01:00:03.220 and

01:00:05.080 I

01:00:05.220 don't

01:00:05.340 know

01:00:05.500 if

01:00:05.660 I'll

01:00:06.220 be

01:00:06.340 able

01:00:06.460 to

01:00:06.640 fix

01:00:06.900 myself

01:00:07.280 I

01:00:07.460 don't

01:00:07.620 know

01:00:07.940 but

01:00:09.860 I

01:00:11.460 feel

01:00:11.820 like

01:00:12.020 I'm

01:00:12.220 out

01:00:12.420 here

01:00:12.640 I

01:00:12.840 feel

01:00:13.080 like

01:00:13.240 literally

01:00:13.580 whenever

01:00:13.960 they

01:00:14.200 drop

01:00:14.480 that

01:00:14.660 astronaut

01:00:15.000 off

01:00:15.420 on

01:00:15.560 the

01:00:15.680 machine

01:00:16.100 up

01:00:16.300 there

01:00:16.480 whatever

01:00:16.740 it

01:00:16.920 is

01:00:17.060 some

01:00:17.200 satellite

01:00:17.640 and

01:00:17.780 he's

01:00:17.880 got

01:00:17.980 to

01:00:18.140 fix

01:00:18.440 it

01:00:18.580 or

01:00:18.640 whatever

01:00:18.800 they

01:00:18.920 give

01:00:19.040 him

01:00:19.120 a

01:00:19.280 wrench

01:00:19.520 or

01:00:19.640 whatever

01:00:19.920 that's

01:00:20.580 how

01:00:20.720 I

01:00:20.960 feel

01:00:21.280 I

01:00:24.340 feel

01:00:24.640 like

01:00:24.820 I'm

01:00:25.020 out

01:00:25.320 trying

01:00:26.880 to

01:00:27.160 fix

01:00:27.440 this

01:00:27.940 you

01:00:30.600 know

01:00:30.880 but

01:00:32.220 I'm

01:00:32.340 now

01:00:32.520 I'm

01:00:32.620 working

01:00:32.780 with

01:00:32.900 another

01:00:33.220 therapist

01:00:33.640 I'm

01:00:33.820 doing

01:00:33.980 EMDR

01:00:34.660 therapy

01:00:35.280 and

01:00:38.780 I

01:00:38.940 tried

01:00:39.240 a lot

01:00:39.540 when I

01:00:39.780 look

01:00:39.940 back

01:00:40.160 in my

01:00:40.440 history

01:00:40.660 I've

01:00:40.860 tried

01:00:41.040 a lot

01:00:41.420 of

01:00:41.540 stuff

01:00:41.760 to

01:00:41.940 feel

01:00:42.120 better

01:00:42.300 I've

01:00:42.480 tried

01:00:42.660 a lot

01:00:43.000 of

01:00:43.120 recovery

01:00:43.600 I've

01:00:43.860 tried

01:00:44.100 different

01:00:45.020 12

01:00:45.760 step

01:00:46.040 programs

01:00:46.420 I've

01:00:46.640 tried

01:00:46.920 ketamine

01:00:48.060 I've

01:00:49.480 tried

01:00:49.720 yoga

01:00:50.140 I've

01:00:50.320 tried

01:00:50.480 different

01:00:50.780 medications

01:00:51.460 I've

01:00:51.820 tried

01:00:52.260 like

01:00:53.960 a

01:00:54.420 gut

01:00:57.240 biome

01:00:57.920 thing

01:00:58.420 so I'm

01:01:03.160 proud of

01:01:03.500 myself

01:01:03.820 for

01:01:04.080 trying

01:01:04.500 I'm

01:01:06.400 proud of

01:01:06.760 myself

01:01:07.040 for

01:01:07.280 trying

01:01:07.640 bro

01:01:07.940 you know

01:01:09.360 I'm

01:01:09.500 no

01:01:09.660 soft

01:01:10.000 boss

01:01:10.360 dog

01:01:10.720 another

01:01:11.480 thing

01:01:11.780 I got

01:01:12.120 into

01:01:12.420 in the

01:01:12.700 past

01:01:12.980 month

01:01:13.360 was

01:01:14.120 jujitsu

01:01:15.020 and

01:01:17.140 that's

01:01:17.440 been

01:01:17.580 helping

01:01:17.940 that's

01:01:20.700 been

01:01:20.820 helping

01:01:21.040 because

01:01:21.620 you know

01:01:22.020 I never

01:01:22.500 had a

01:01:22.800 father

01:01:23.020 growing up

01:01:23.340 and this

01:01:23.620 isn't

01:01:23.860 a

01:01:24.080 woe

01:01:24.760 is

01:01:24.900 me

01:01:25.120 there's

01:01:25.520 people's

01:01:26.080 stories

01:01:26.400 out there

01:01:26.780 that are

01:01:27.120 really

01:01:29.160 harrowing

01:01:29.800 but the

01:01:31.300 only story

01:01:31.700 I have

01:01:31.920 is my

01:01:32.160 own

01:01:32.520 and it's

01:01:37.720 okay if

01:01:38.140 my life

01:01:38.740 doesn't

01:01:39.040 fit

01:01:39.420 you know

01:01:39.920 everybody

01:01:43.580 whatever

01:01:44.220 other people

01:01:45.360 are doing

01:01:45.820 you know

01:01:46.700 I can't

01:01:50.240 pretend

01:01:50.840 anymore

01:01:51.260 I'm not

01:01:51.700 where I'm

01:01:52.120 at

01:01:52.460 you know

01:01:55.000 because it's

01:01:57.680 not fair

01:01:58.120 to me

01:01:58.500 either

01:01:58.820 it's

01:02:02.980 not fair

01:02:03.460 to me

01:02:03.840 either

01:02:04.180 to not

01:02:04.780 to

01:02:05.000 to be

01:02:07.220 somewhere

01:02:07.660 that I'm

01:02:08.140 not really

01:02:08.640 at

01:02:08.940 sometimes

01:02:09.560 so yeah

01:02:15.620 I mean a lot

01:02:16.140 of other

01:02:16.500 stuff on the

01:02:17.020 ayahuasca

01:02:17.700 like your

01:02:18.340 inner child

01:02:20.780 is right

01:02:21.280 there

01:02:21.520 so you

01:02:21.980 see all

01:02:22.480 these things

01:02:22.980 you did

01:02:23.660 as a

01:02:24.000 kid

01:02:24.260 to set

01:02:24.840 yourself

01:02:25.220 up for

01:02:25.600 success

01:02:26.280 so one

01:02:28.840 thing I

01:02:29.180 realized was

01:02:29.860 like as

01:02:30.580 an adult

01:02:31.160 if like as

01:02:32.180 a child

01:02:32.700 I took a lot

01:02:33.400 of L's

01:02:34.000 like I set

01:02:34.660 myself up

01:02:35.480 like I went

01:02:35.980 through a lot

01:02:36.660 of grueling

01:02:38.280 moments

01:02:38.920 by myself

01:02:40.020 so I could

01:02:41.620 be successful

01:02:42.340 later

01:02:42.840 and so

01:02:45.080 I'm living

01:02:46.540 my childhood

01:02:47.260 his dreams

01:02:48.400 I'm living

01:02:48.800 my

01:02:49.100 those are

01:02:49.840 my kids

01:02:50.360 dreams

01:02:50.760 that I'm

01:02:51.040 living right

01:02:51.520 now

01:02:51.840 they're not

01:02:53.480 really my

01:02:53.880 adult dreams

01:02:54.620 they're my

01:02:55.080 but my

01:02:56.000 childhood

01:02:56.440 dreams

01:02:56.880 I'm living

01:02:57.240 his dreams

01:02:58.280 and when I

01:03:01.140 look at that

01:03:02.060 it gives

01:03:02.920 it puts my

01:03:03.540 life in a

01:03:04.080 little bit

01:03:04.420 of a

01:03:04.620 different

01:03:04.860 space

01:03:05.640 it makes

01:03:10.820 me really

01:03:11.200 proud of

01:03:11.760 who I

01:03:12.080 was as

01:03:12.580 a kid

01:03:13.060 which is

01:03:19.620 different for

01:03:20.180 me because

01:03:20.480 I never

01:03:20.900 felt proud

01:03:21.560 all I ever

01:03:24.760 felt was

01:03:25.240 if I do

01:03:25.920 something

01:03:26.260 different

01:03:26.840 or what

01:03:28.840 can I do

01:03:29.440 differently

01:03:29.900 to be

01:03:30.520 loved

01:03:31.000 that's all

01:03:38.140 I ever

01:03:38.480 felt

01:03:38.800 and so

01:03:46.280 then the

01:03:46.760 only way

01:03:47.240 I developed

01:03:47.900 any sense

01:03:48.600 of myself

01:03:49.120 was by

01:03:50.040 reactions

01:03:50.900 to what

01:03:51.600 I did

01:03:52.240 so if

01:03:53.740 I started

01:03:54.520 getting loved

01:03:55.120 by people

01:03:55.580 then that's

01:03:56.160 who I

01:03:56.500 was

01:03:57.060 I was

01:03:58.120 whatever

01:03:58.600 I was

01:04:00.700 whatever

01:04:01.140 it

01:04:01.460 I needed

01:04:03.220 to be

01:04:03.620 to be

01:04:03.980 loved

01:04:04.400 and

01:04:10.700 somewhere

01:04:11.120 along

01:04:11.360 the way

01:04:11.580 some

01:04:11.920 of me

01:04:12.240 didn't

01:04:12.440 really

01:04:12.660 develop

01:04:13.060 because

01:04:13.260 I

01:04:13.400 didn't

01:04:13.540 know

01:04:13.720 who

01:04:13.880 I

01:04:14.080 was

01:04:14.560 I

01:04:19.580 don't

01:04:19.740 know

01:04:19.860 if I

01:04:20.120 felt

01:04:20.340 safe

01:04:20.720 to be

01:04:21.040 out

01:04:21.240 in the

01:04:21.480 world

01:04:21.720 I

01:04:21.880 probably

01:04:22.220 you know

01:04:23.720 I'm

01:04:25.460 sure at

01:04:25.780 a really

01:04:26.060 young

01:04:26.360 age

01:04:26.660 it

01:04:26.800 wasn't

01:04:27.120 real

01:04:27.340 I

01:04:27.640 didn't

01:04:28.040 feel

01:04:28.240 safe

01:04:28.720 I

01:04:29.620 felt

01:04:29.880 like

01:04:30.080 whoever

01:04:30.400 I

01:04:30.700 was

01:04:31.120 it

01:04:34.920 wasn't

01:04:35.240 okay

01:04:35.460 to be

01:04:35.800 that

01:04:36.040 because

01:04:36.220 I

01:04:36.360 wasn't

01:04:36.700 getting

01:04:36.940 the

01:04:37.120 return

01:04:37.520 that

01:04:37.720 I

01:04:37.860 needed

01:04:38.140 and

01:04:42.220 it

01:04:42.320 was

01:04:42.420 a lot

01:04:42.680 of

01:04:42.800 pressure

01:04:43.080 on my

01:04:43.320 mother

01:04:43.500 my

01:04:43.700 dad

01:04:43.940 was

01:04:44.140 you know

01:04:44.400 a

01:04:44.720 senior

01:04:44.940 he

01:04:45.260 wasn't

01:04:45.880 around

01:04:46.240 and

01:04:46.400 that

01:04:46.560 was

01:04:46.680 very

01:04:46.880 scary

01:04:47.360 and

01:04:47.620 you know

01:04:48.620 a lot

01:04:48.880 of

01:04:49.000 shit

01:04:49.180 like

01:04:49.360 that

01:04:49.660 but

01:04:49.900 I

01:04:50.340 I'm

01:04:50.620 not

01:04:50.760 trying

01:04:50.920 to

01:04:51.020 get

01:04:51.140 into

01:04:51.280 all

01:04:51.440 that

01:04:51.600 again

01:04:51.900 but

01:04:52.240 but

01:04:57.080 yeah

01:04:59.240 so

01:04:59.460 I'm

01:04:59.840 just

01:05:00.020 kind

01:05:00.440 of

01:05:00.520 on

01:05:00.680 this

01:05:00.840 journey

01:05:01.040 I'm

01:05:01.260 still

01:05:01.480 in

01:05:01.600 the

01:05:01.760 middle

01:05:01.900 of

01:05:02.140 it

01:05:03.100 and

01:05:07.780 yeah

01:05:10.380 sometimes

01:05:10.860 I'm

01:05:11.060 ashamed

01:05:11.800 I'm

01:05:12.440 not

01:05:12.580 ashamed

01:05:13.100 I

01:05:13.300 just

01:05:13.580 it's

01:05:14.440 scary

01:05:14.740 for me

01:05:15.000 to share

01:05:15.320 some

01:05:15.560 of

01:05:15.700 it

01:05:16.480 because

01:05:25.780 I'm

01:05:26.140 scared

01:05:26.420 I think

01:05:26.760 of what

01:05:27.000 people

01:05:27.240 will

01:05:27.420 think

01:05:27.700 I

01:05:28.400 don't

01:05:28.580 you

01:05:28.940 know

01:05:29.200 which

01:05:31.220 is

01:05:31.420 what

01:05:31.620 I've

01:05:31.800 always

01:05:32.100 been

01:05:32.300 my

01:05:32.460 whole

01:05:32.640 life

01:05:33.020 probably

01:05:34.860 I'm

01:05:35.920 scared

01:05:36.180 of what

01:05:36.440 people

01:05:36.660 think

01:05:36.960 of me

01:05:37.400 if I'm

01:05:40.200 myself

01:05:40.700 you know

01:05:41.380 but

01:05:45.560 some

01:05:45.800 cool

01:05:46.060 you know

01:05:46.380 a lot

01:05:46.640 of neat

01:05:46.900 stuff

01:05:47.280 and

01:05:47.500 a lot

01:05:48.500 of

01:05:48.600 adventurous

01:05:49.040 stuff

01:05:49.600 and

01:05:49.800 you know

01:05:50.860 because I

01:05:51.120 would like

01:05:51.400 to be able

01:05:51.740 to have

01:05:51.980 a family

01:05:52.360 I want

01:05:52.660 to be able

01:05:52.980 to fall

01:05:53.360 in love

01:05:53.760 one day

01:05:54.160 and have

01:05:54.700 a family

01:05:55.200 and some

01:05:55.640 of that

01:05:56.060 you know

01:05:56.920 a lot

01:05:57.300 of this

01:05:57.580 old shit

01:05:58.140 keeps me

01:05:58.680 from doing

01:05:59.220 that

01:05:59.620 it keeps

01:06:00.560 me

01:06:01.040 and

01:06:03.260 I

01:06:03.360 don't

01:06:03.480 want

01:06:03.620 to do

01:06:03.960 it

01:06:04.100 and

01:06:04.240 then

01:06:04.420 not

01:06:04.760 you know

01:06:05.140 anything

01:06:05.740 can

01:06:06.020 happen

01:06:06.320 who

01:06:06.520 knows

01:06:06.880 if

01:06:07.040 a

01:06:07.200 relationship

01:06:08.100 could

01:06:08.420 do

01:06:08.600 well

01:06:08.940 but

01:06:09.160 I

01:06:09.300 don't

01:06:09.740 want

01:06:10.020 to

01:06:10.420 I

01:06:12.460 don't

01:06:12.540 know

01:06:12.620 I

01:06:12.700 just

01:06:12.860 notice

01:06:13.220 these

01:06:13.460 spaces

01:06:13.860 in my

01:06:14.160 life

01:06:14.440 where

01:06:14.620 it's

01:06:14.800 hard

01:06:15.040 for

01:06:15.240 me

01:06:15.500 it's

01:06:17.820 really

01:06:18.240 hard

01:06:18.560 for

01:06:18.740 me

01:06:19.000 and

01:06:21.180 one

01:06:21.440 of

01:06:21.580 them

01:06:21.680 is

01:06:21.840 in

01:06:22.000 relationships

01:06:22.580 and

01:06:23.000 jujitsu

01:06:23.860 has

01:06:24.020 been

01:06:24.180 cool

01:06:24.420 because

01:06:24.700 I

01:06:24.880 get

01:06:25.040 to

01:06:25.200 go

01:06:25.420 there

01:06:25.700 and

01:06:25.920 people

01:06:26.500 help

01:06:26.860 me

01:06:27.100 you know

01:06:29.360 it's

01:06:31.040 I

01:06:31.200 can

01:06:31.360 be

01:06:31.540 vulnerable

01:06:31.880 and

01:06:32.060 be

01:06:32.140 like

01:06:32.280 I

01:06:32.460 don't

01:06:32.600 know

01:06:32.800 what

01:06:33.500 I'm

01:06:33.620 doing

01:06:33.820 in

01:06:33.980 this

01:06:34.160 moment

01:06:34.500 in

01:06:34.660 this

01:06:34.820 physical

01:06:35.180 moment

01:06:35.620 and

01:06:36.800 instead

01:06:37.120 of

01:06:37.320 somebody

01:06:37.640 just

01:06:37.980 you know

01:06:38.260 like

01:06:38.540 sure

01:06:39.020 somebody

01:06:39.460 gonna

01:06:39.680 tap

01:06:39.980 me

01:06:40.160 out

01:06:40.480 somebody

01:06:41.540 tap

01:06:41.900 my

01:06:42.060 little

01:06:42.240 ass

01:06:42.560 out

01:06:42.860 bro

01:06:43.080 damn

01:06:43.500 I

01:06:43.720 mean

01:06:43.880 dude

01:06:44.300 one

01:06:45.120 guy

01:06:45.400 put

01:06:45.680 me

01:06:45.840 on

01:06:46.040 like

01:06:46.200 a

01:06:46.340 damn

01:06:46.560 clip

01:06:46.880 on

01:06:47.100 tie

01:06:47.380 the

01:06:47.640 other

01:06:47.840 day

01:06:48.200 by

01:06:48.440 damn

01:06:49.000 some

01:06:50.040 dude

01:06:50.260 put

01:06:50.540 me

01:06:50.740 on

01:06:50.960 like

01:06:51.160 a

01:06:51.320 cummer

01:06:52.820 bun

01:06:53.100 that

01:06:53.320 dude

01:06:53.540 had

01:06:53.780 me

01:06:54.020 he

01:06:54.340 was

01:06:54.480 headed

01:06:54.680 to

01:06:54.860 prom

01:06:55.280 bro

01:06:55.600 and

01:06:56.380 I

01:06:56.500 was

01:06:56.640 in

01:06:56.720 accoutrement

01:06:57.300 that

01:06:57.580 dude

01:06:57.880 freaking

01:06:58.260 wore

01:06:58.580 me

01:06:58.780 down

01:06:59.240 but

01:07:01.460 um

01:07:02.340 but

01:07:05.620 there's

01:07:07.540 moments

01:07:07.880 in there

01:07:08.200 where

01:07:08.520 a guy

01:07:09.620 will

01:07:09.860 help

01:07:10.100 me

01:07:10.260 do

01:07:10.520 something

01:07:10.960 without

01:07:12.980 judging

01:07:13.480 me

01:07:13.800 or

01:07:13.980 without

01:07:14.420 uh

01:07:15.380 giving

01:07:20.580 me any

01:07:21.140 energy

01:07:21.540 that I'm

01:07:21.980 not good

01:07:22.440 enough

01:07:22.840 and I

01:07:24.020 never

01:07:24.300 had

01:07:24.540 that

01:07:24.680 in

01:07:24.780 my

01:07:24.860 life

01:07:24.980 I

01:07:25.120 didn't

01:07:25.300 have

01:07:25.480 no

01:07:25.620 father

01:07:25.920 I

01:07:26.080 didn't

01:07:26.240 have

01:07:26.400 never

01:07:26.720 had

01:07:26.960 that

01:07:27.240 you

01:07:30.860 know

01:07:30.960 when I

01:07:31.160 was

01:07:31.280 talking

01:07:31.540 with

01:07:31.760 Dustin

01:07:32.760 the other

01:07:33.120 day

01:07:33.260 with

01:07:33.440 Poirier

01:07:33.840 and I

01:07:34.280 was

01:07:34.420 telling

01:07:34.680 him

01:07:34.940 that

01:07:35.120 I

01:07:35.260 said

01:07:35.380 man

01:07:35.580 it's

01:07:35.740 just

01:07:35.880 such

01:07:36.080 a

01:07:36.240 magical

01:07:36.600 type

01:07:36.900 of

01:07:37.020 thing

01:07:37.220 and

01:07:37.320 he

01:07:37.420 said

01:07:37.640 man

01:07:38.300 I

01:07:38.380 know

01:07:38.500 exactly

01:07:38.820 what

01:07:38.980 you're

01:07:39.140 talking

01:07:39.400 about

01:07:39.760 so

01:07:41.160 I

01:07:41.340 know

01:07:41.620 that

01:07:41.800 there's

01:07:41.980 a

01:07:42.140 lot

01:07:42.340 of

01:07:42.520 dudes

01:07:42.800 in

01:07:43.040 there

01:07:43.360 uh

01:07:44.760 you

01:07:46.780 know

01:07:47.000 and I'm

01:07:47.840 okay

01:07:48.120 man

01:07:48.340 one of

01:07:48.580 my

01:07:48.720 strongest

01:07:49.060 muscles

01:07:49.480 is my

01:07:49.880 is my

01:07:50.360 is my

01:07:50.700 heart

01:07:51.020 you know

01:07:52.940 and I'm

01:07:53.340 always been

01:07:53.760 that guy

01:07:54.220 where I

01:07:54.540 got you

01:07:54.980 know

01:07:55.180 I got

01:07:56.520 tears in

01:07:56.960 my eyes

01:07:57.340 but barbells

01:07:58.020 in my

01:07:58.280 hands

01:07:58.600 bro

01:07:58.860 that's

01:07:59.960 always

01:08:00.160 been

01:08:00.340 who I

01:08:00.660 am

01:08:00.900 and I'm

01:08:01.720 not ashamed

01:08:02.140 of that

01:08:02.720 um

01:08:03.240 but that's

01:08:04.600 been really

01:08:04.920 cool man

01:08:05.320 that's been

01:08:05.760 fun

01:08:06.180 it's been

01:08:06.480 fun for

01:08:06.900 me to

01:08:07.120 be in

01:08:07.360 a place

01:08:07.620 where I

01:08:07.840 feel

01:08:07.980 safe

01:08:08.500 uh

01:08:09.500 and also

01:08:10.380 not safe

01:08:11.040 at the

01:08:11.280 same

01:08:11.480 time

01:08:11.920 bro

01:08:12.140 and I

01:08:12.920 tapped

01:08:13.220 a couple

01:08:13.620 clowns

01:08:14.200 out

01:08:17.000 that Fred

01:08:17.680 Astaire

01:08:18.180 boy I

01:08:18.580 put it

01:08:18.940 on him

01:08:19.360 dog

01:08:19.640 that hard

01:08:20.180 scarf

01:08:20.800 some little

01:08:22.020 piglet

01:08:22.420 some little

01:08:22.840 pork chop

01:08:23.420 I fucking

01:08:23.820 put him

01:08:24.220 in a

01:08:24.500 fucking

01:08:24.740 deep

01:08:25.080 fryer

01:08:25.440 dog

01:08:25.880 praise

01:08:26.780 god

01:08:27.280 um

01:08:28.740 this show

01:08:29.760 isn't all

01:08:30.120 about me

01:08:30.720 this has

01:08:31.500 been a

01:08:31.780 lot

01:08:32.140 uh

01:08:34.540 there's

01:08:35.600 more

01:08:35.860 stuff

01:08:36.420 um

01:08:38.460 I want

01:08:39.720 to get

01:08:39.940 into

01:08:40.100 just

01:08:40.340 quickly

01:08:40.660 into

01:08:40.860 the

01:08:41.020 news

01:08:41.480 the

01:08:42.480 Beijing

01:08:43.000 Winter

01:08:43.520 Olympics

01:08:43.960 hit by

01:08:44.500 deluge

01:08:45.420 of

01:08:45.940 complaints

01:08:46.420 from

01:08:46.640 athletes

01:08:47.260 freezing

01:08:48.460 conditions

01:08:49.260 they're

01:08:49.700 complaining

01:08:50.060 about

01:08:50.460 bitch

01:08:51.340 it's

01:08:51.580 the

01:08:51.780 Winter

01:08:52.080 Olympics

01:08:52.600 you

01:08:55.200 can't

01:08:55.520 complain

01:08:55.840 about

01:08:56.180 freezing

01:08:57.040 conditions

01:08:57.940 if you

01:08:59.300 doing

01:08:59.800 the

01:09:00.680 Winter

01:09:01.220 Olympics

01:09:01.920 that's

01:09:04.900 like

01:09:05.560 being

01:09:06.800 at a

01:09:07.400 hooker

01:09:07.820 house

01:09:08.380 and

01:09:09.020 complaining

01:09:09.780 that

01:09:10.600 somebody's

01:09:11.780 touching

01:09:12.240 you

01:09:12.500 dick

01:09:13.180 okay

01:09:14.180 you

01:09:16.320 can't

01:09:16.700 you

01:09:17.280 know

01:09:17.400 what I'm

01:09:17.580 saying

01:09:17.860 like

01:09:18.140 they

01:09:18.300 got

01:09:18.500 what

01:09:18.700 else

01:09:18.860 they

01:09:19.020 saying

01:09:19.320 uh

01:09:20.400 they've

01:09:20.900 been

01:09:21.020 served

01:09:21.220 the

01:09:21.400 same

01:09:21.700 thing

01:09:22.040 five

01:09:22.440 days

01:09:22.700 in a

01:09:22.900 row

01:09:23.040 for

01:09:23.220 breakfast

01:09:23.560 lunch

01:09:23.840 and

01:09:23.960 dinner

01:09:24.220 bitch

01:09:25.040 that's

01:09:25.560 China

01:09:26.060 have

01:09:27.120 you

01:09:27.240 been

01:09:27.440 to

01:09:27.600 China

01:09:27.820 I

01:09:28.220 was

01:09:28.420 on

01:09:28.560 a

01:09:28.700 train

01:09:29.000 in

01:09:29.200 China

01:09:29.580 a

01:09:30.240 girl

01:09:30.520 opened

01:09:30.940 up

01:09:31.140 a

01:09:31.360 bag

01:09:31.800 of

01:09:32.280 bird

01:09:33.300 feet

01:09:33.800 and

01:09:34.840 ate

01:09:35.280 them

01:09:35.880 bitches

01:09:37.020 and

01:09:39.740 guess

01:09:40.040 what

01:09:40.440 she

01:09:41.460 was

01:09:41.820 a

01:09:42.060 fucking

01:09:42.440 hot

01:09:42.980 chick

01:09:43.580 so

01:09:45.860 you're

01:09:46.240 in

01:09:46.360 a

01:09:46.500 place

01:09:46.820 where

01:09:47.040 hot

01:09:47.540 bitches

01:09:48.000 is

01:09:49.080 eating

01:09:49.600 bird

01:09:50.700 feats

01:09:51.380 do

01:09:52.940 you

01:09:53.120 know

01:09:53.360 that

01:09:53.780 did

01:09:55.320 you

01:09:55.580 google

01:09:56.240 China

01:09:56.940 bitch

01:09:57.680 go

01:09:59.820 get

01:10:00.220 find

01:10:00.700 something

01:10:01.040 in

01:10:01.180 your

01:10:01.300 house

01:10:01.560 that's

01:10:01.780 falling

01:10:02.120 apart

01:10:02.700 that's

01:10:04.200 China

01:10:04.680 dog

01:10:05.300 that's

01:10:07.100 China

01:10:07.600 okay

01:10:08.700 that's

01:10:09.560 what we

01:10:09.820 sold

01:10:10.200 America

01:10:10.680 for

01:10:11.160 so

01:10:13.180 don't

01:10:13.440 be

01:10:13.640 shocked

01:10:14.180 when

01:10:14.640 you

01:10:14.840 go

01:10:15.040 to

01:10:15.240 China

01:10:15.720 and

01:10:16.220 shit

01:10:16.640 gets

01:10:17.140 China

01:10:18.140 shit

01:10:20.100 gonna

01:10:20.580 get

01:10:21.040 China

01:10:21.740 in

01:10:22.340 China

01:10:22.920 the

01:10:24.640 big

01:10:24.960 air

01:10:25.200 ski

01:10:25.600 jump

01:10:26.020 at the

01:10:26.580 Olympics

01:10:26.980 looks

01:10:27.320 like

01:10:27.520 it's

01:10:27.740 set

01:10:27.940 next

01:10:28.200 to

01:10:28.380 a

01:10:28.580 nuclear

01:10:29.020 power

01:10:29.600 plant

01:10:30.140 it

01:10:31.620 is

01:10:32.060 dog

01:10:32.640 it

01:10:33.420 don't

01:10:33.660 look

01:10:34.040 like

01:10:34.400 it

01:10:34.640 it

01:10:35.120 is

01:10:35.600 baby

01:10:36.040 get

01:10:37.240 that

01:10:37.480 huff

01:10:37.840 off

01:10:38.060 the

01:10:38.240 air

01:10:38.560 baby

01:10:38.840 that's

01:10:39.160 God

01:10:39.520 trying

01:10:39.800 to

01:10:39.960 gas

01:10:40.380 you

01:10:40.640 up

01:10:41.000 son

01:10:41.480 if

01:10:42.740 you

01:10:42.860 think

01:10:43.100 you

01:10:43.220 could

01:10:43.360 jump

01:10:43.620 for

01:10:43.900 a

01:10:44.060 regular

01:10:44.320 imagine

01:10:44.800 if

01:10:44.980 you

01:10:45.080 got

01:10:45.260 that

01:10:45.480 nuclear

01:10:45.880 in

01:10:46.580 your

01:10:46.740 son

01:10:47.080 you

01:10:47.660 might

01:10:47.880 jump

01:10:48.320 your

01:10:48.480 way

01:10:48.660 all

01:10:48.980 the

01:10:49.120 way

01:10:49.300 into

01:10:49.500 a

01:10:49.760 dirty

01:10:50.880 bat

01:10:51.320 cage

01:10:51.820 baby

01:10:52.200 it's

01:10:53.300 China

01:10:53.840 dog

01:10:54.460 China

01:10:55.700 gonna

01:10:56.200 China

01:10:56.960 you

01:10:59.200 can't

01:10:59.580 be

01:10:59.760 in

01:11:00.000 China

01:11:00.420 and

01:11:00.840 be

01:11:01.040 shocked

01:11:01.560 when

01:11:01.800 shit

01:11:02.360 gets

01:11:03.080 China

01:11:04.080 come

01:11:05.500 on

01:11:05.880 man

01:11:06.220 damn

01:11:06.920 behind

01:11:09.700 the

01:11:10.060 skiers

01:11:10.360 launching

01:11:10.740 themselves

01:11:11.120 at

01:11:11.280 the

01:11:11.400 60

01:11:11.620 meter

01:11:11.800 high

01:11:12.000 foot

01:11:12.120 ramp

01:11:12.340 are

01:11:12.520 furnaces

01:11:13.060 tall

01:11:13.480 chimney

01:11:13.820 stacks

01:11:14.260 and

01:11:14.520 cooling

01:11:14.940 towers

01:11:15.500 yeah

01:11:16.180 uh

01:11:19.020 yeah

01:11:20.460 bitch

01:11:20.740 that's

01:11:21.040 scenery

01:11:21.400 bitch

01:11:22.000 that's

01:11:23.540 scenery

01:11:24.020 dude

01:11:26.400 that is

01:11:26.820 damn

01:11:27.120 scenery

01:11:27.780 bro

01:11:28.220 bro

01:11:29.080 I remember

01:11:29.600 one time

01:11:30.220 when I was

01:11:30.620 growing up

01:11:31.160 dude

01:11:31.320 we had

01:11:31.620 a bike

01:11:32.060 ramp

01:11:32.420 right

01:11:32.700 and the

01:11:33.340 best

01:11:33.660 place

01:11:34.020 for it

01:11:34.600 in our

01:11:35.460 area

01:11:35.860 was right

01:11:36.780 by this

01:11:37.180 pedophile's

01:11:37.920 house

01:11:38.280 what

01:11:41.740 he got

01:11:42.140 to sit

01:11:42.500 there

01:11:42.700 and watch

01:11:43.220 us

01:11:43.680 you know

01:11:44.660 he's

01:11:44.960 sitting

01:11:45.160 there

01:11:45.360 over

01:11:45.540 there

01:11:45.660 like

01:11:45.840 he had

01:11:46.080 a damn

01:11:46.440 delicatessen

01:11:47.340 bro

01:11:47.640 he picking

01:11:48.780 fucking

01:11:49.160 future

01:11:49.600 touches

01:11:50.040 out of

01:11:50.380 his

01:11:50.500 teeth

01:11:50.920 but

01:11:53.220 that's

01:11:55.020 the location

01:11:55.720 of the

01:11:56.080 deal

01:11:56.480 so you

01:11:58.120 can't be

01:11:58.520 shocked

01:11:58.840 man

01:11:59.000 if you

01:11:59.200 go to

01:11:59.460 China

01:11:59.760 and

01:11:59.960 shit

01:12:00.160 gets

01:12:00.420 Chinatic

01:12:01.140 you

01:12:02.040 can't

01:12:02.440 be

01:12:02.600 shocked

01:12:03.000 man

01:12:03.360 y'all

01:12:04.900 complaining

01:12:05.500 too

01:12:05.740 much

01:12:05.860 y'all

01:12:05.940 supposed

01:12:06.120 to be

01:12:06.340 Olympians

01:12:07.200 bruh

01:12:09.920 y'all

01:12:12.960 could

01:12:13.120 handle

01:12:13.520 this

01:12:13.960 if y'all

01:12:14.440 Olympians

01:12:15.100 y'all

01:12:15.320 could

01:12:15.500 handle

01:12:15.900 it

01:12:16.920 mail

01:12:22.000 arrived

01:12:22.400 75 years

01:12:23.320 late

01:12:23.520 to New

01:12:23.860 Jersey

01:12:24.140 home

01:12:24.520 well

01:12:24.860 that

01:12:25.340 sounds

01:12:25.740 like

01:12:26.060 the

01:12:26.320 mail

01:12:26.720 dog

01:12:27.180 have

01:12:27.740 you

01:12:27.920 even

01:12:28.220 been

01:12:28.580 to

01:12:28.740 the

01:12:28.920 mail

01:12:29.280 shock

01:12:30.600 Wanda

01:12:31.040 back

01:12:31.440 there

01:12:31.860 you

01:12:32.720 give

01:12:32.980 her

01:12:33.080 the

01:12:33.220 thing

01:12:33.440 you

01:12:33.600 say

01:12:33.800 overnight

01:12:34.340 that

01:12:34.700 shit

01:12:34.960 shows

01:12:35.460 up

01:12:35.820 in

01:12:36.620 a

01:12:36.800 decade

01:12:37.420 dog

01:12:38.160 have

01:12:39.420 you

01:12:39.520 even

01:12:39.760 driven

01:12:40.140 by

01:12:40.640 the

01:12:41.200 shit

01:12:41.620 is

01:12:41.840 crazy

01:12:42.480 now

01:12:42.900 this

01:12:44.780 shit

01:12:45.000 is

01:12:45.180 crazy

01:12:45.820 in

01:12:46.100 there

01:12:46.380 bunch

01:12:47.300 of

01:12:47.480 bird

01:12:47.840 houses

01:12:48.220 people

01:12:48.500 selling

01:12:48.860 bird

01:12:49.300 cages

01:12:49.780 out

01:12:50.120 front

01:12:50.520 they

01:12:51.300 doing

01:12:51.540 nails

01:12:52.060 in

01:12:52.280 there

01:12:52.460 now

01:12:52.720 dude

01:12:53.120 my

01:12:53.320 buddy

01:12:53.560 opened

01:12:53.880 up

01:12:54.060 his

01:12:54.220 mailbox

01:12:54.780 the

01:12:55.100 other

01:12:55.160 day

01:12:55.300 put

01:12:55.560 his

01:12:55.720 foot

01:12:56.080 in

01:12:56.240 the

01:12:56.380 thing

01:12:56.760 and

01:12:57.200 somebody

01:12:57.560 in

01:12:57.780 the

01:12:57.900 back

01:12:58.180 painted

01:12:58.660 his

01:12:58.960 nails

01:12:59.400 bruh

01:12:59.900 that's

01:13:01.940 the

01:13:02.100 U.S.

01:13:02.540 postal

01:13:02.860 system

01:13:03.400 that

01:13:04.460 shit

01:13:04.680 is

01:13:04.880 gone

01:13:05.500 that

01:13:07.120 shit

01:13:07.400 is

01:13:07.720 gone

01:13:08.660 dog

01:13:09.180 and

01:13:12.080 if you

01:13:12.400 look

01:13:12.660 I'll cut

01:13:13.400 to this

01:13:13.720 clip

01:13:13.960 right now

01:13:14.320 from the

01:13:14.640 Andrew

01:13:15.120 Schultz

01:13:17.040 episode

01:13:17.400 if you

01:13:17.700 want to

01:13:17.980 know more

01:13:18.460 about it

01:13:19.060 here we

01:13:20.300 go

01:13:20.860 bro

01:13:21.840 U.S.

01:13:22.340 postal

01:13:22.700 system

01:13:23.180 shit

01:13:23.500 is

01:13:23.700 50-50

01:13:25.080 remember

01:13:25.400 when Trump

01:13:25.720 tried to

01:13:26.060 fix it

01:13:26.480 and America

01:13:27.020 was like

01:13:27.480 stop

01:13:28.280 this doesn't

01:13:30.900 work

01:13:31.220 and they

01:13:31.440 were like

01:13:31.660 stop

01:13:32.180 stop

01:13:33.700 it

01:13:34.180 and he

01:13:34.740 was like

01:13:35.100 no you

01:13:36.040 understand

01:13:36.420 it's just

01:13:37.120 handed it

01:13:37.600 to a

01:13:37.800 black guy

01:13:38.220 and maybe

01:13:38.560 he brings

01:13:39.020 it

01:13:39.220 and then

01:13:39.620 they were

01:13:39.880 like

01:13:40.120 stop

01:13:41.020 trying to

01:13:42.060 make it

01:13:42.600 better

01:13:43.140 you

01:13:43.520 dickhead

01:13:44.380 what the

01:13:45.520 fuck

01:13:45.800 are you

01:13:46.040 thinking

01:13:46.560 he's like

01:13:47.460 but maybe

01:13:47.940 there's a

01:13:48.240 better

01:13:48.420 system

01:13:48.720 even

01:13:48.960 for

01:13:49.160 them

01:13:49.460 like

01:13:49.640 we

01:13:49.800 could

01:13:49.920 give

01:13:50.100 them

01:13:50.240 an

01:13:50.380 address

01:13:50.760 or

01:13:50.960 something

01:13:51.280 to get

01:13:52.180 your

01:13:52.380 postage

01:13:52.960 to

01:13:53.260 and America

01:13:54.140 was like

01:13:54.520 fuck

01:13:55.400 you

01:13:56.500 for wanting

01:13:57.400 us to

01:13:57.880 get our

01:13:58.320 mail

01:13:58.880 piece of

01:14:00.400 shit

01:14:00.800 yeah are you

01:14:01.220 crazy guy

01:14:02.340 dude the

01:14:03.100 anxiety of

01:14:03.940 working there

01:14:04.520 white male

01:14:05.300 fucking traveling

01:14:06.260 around the

01:14:06.880 country anymore

01:14:07.840 this shit has

01:14:09.020 to stop

01:14:09.860 dude

01:14:10.320 but just

01:14:10.860 imagine being

01:14:11.520 that poor

01:14:11.880 black guy

01:14:12.360 they just

01:14:12.880 give you a

01:14:13.360 satchel full

01:14:14.280 of shit

01:14:14.840 and they're

01:14:15.540 like do you

01:14:16.260 know where

01:14:16.660 any of this

01:14:17.480 shit

01:14:17.640 go

01:14:18.180 deliver it

01:14:19.760 yeah but

01:14:20.580 I was just

01:14:21.020 wondering

01:14:21.360 if I

01:14:22.360 should

01:14:22.620 should

01:14:23.320 know

01:14:23.520 is there

01:14:24.420 a route

01:14:24.960 and there

01:14:27.800 you go

01:14:28.520 let's get a

01:14:31.140 couple of

01:14:31.440 voicemails that

01:14:31.940 came in from

01:14:32.300 you guys

01:14:32.720 man the

01:14:33.100 show's about

01:14:33.520 you as

01:14:33.840 well

01:14:33.980 985-664-9503

01:14:37.600 thank you guys

01:14:40.280 for listening

01:14:40.640 man I don't

01:14:41.280 know what

01:14:41.580 you know

01:14:42.140 I don't

01:14:43.280 know

01:14:43.560 I don't

01:14:46.380 know

01:14:46.660 but

01:14:47.660 that's kind

01:14:48.980 of what

01:14:49.180 happened

01:14:49.440 man and

01:14:49.760 ayahuasca

01:14:50.540 was just

01:14:51.240 it

01:14:52.100 relieved so

01:14:53.480 much

01:14:53.700 it just

01:14:54.060 it feels

01:14:55.640 like there's

01:14:56.160 an opportunity

01:14:56.860 for some

01:14:57.400 real relief

01:14:58.060 I could

01:14:58.940 see it

01:14:59.260 being one

01:14:59.720 of the

01:15:00.140 greatest

01:15:00.840 things that

01:15:01.300 happens for

01:15:01.800 people in

01:15:02.260 the future

01:15:02.740 for getting

01:15:03.820 better

01:15:04.160 I really

01:15:05.140 could

01:15:05.600 but that's

01:15:06.960 also with

01:15:07.560 me

01:15:07.780 this is

01:15:08.540 early

01:15:09.040 you know

01:15:10.720 I'm gonna

01:15:11.520 try it again

01:15:12.100 and we'll

01:15:12.340 see what's

01:15:12.800 up

01:15:13.100 what else

01:15:16.300 who do we

01:15:17.280 got right

01:15:17.700 here let's

01:15:18.080 hit one

01:15:18.760 what's up

01:15:19.640 Theo this

01:15:20.080 is Michael

01:15:20.540 and I got

01:15:21.480 my girlfriend

01:15:21.920 Hannah

01:15:22.420 she's right

01:15:23.500 here next

01:15:23.940 to me

01:15:24.960 what's up

01:15:25.920 Michael

01:15:26.280 what's up

01:15:26.760 Hannah

01:15:26.960 thank you

01:15:27.380 guys for

01:15:27.720 the call

01:15:28.140 baby

01:15:28.480 we just

01:15:29.400 got done

01:15:29.780 at the

01:15:30.020 Jacksonville

01:15:30.560 show

01:15:30.900 we're actually

01:15:31.300 driving back

01:15:31.980 right now

01:15:32.560 and that

01:15:33.920 was actually

01:15:34.280 our first

01:15:34.740 comedy show

01:15:35.420 man

01:15:35.700 we've ever

01:15:36.100 been to

01:15:36.580 it was

01:15:36.980 like the

01:15:37.660 best experience

01:15:38.340 ever

01:15:38.640 and we just

01:15:39.940 wanted to say

01:15:40.360 thank you for

01:15:40.900 hanging around

01:15:41.500 taking pictures

01:15:42.120 with everybody

01:15:42.660 it means the

01:15:43.180 world to us

01:15:43.680 man we don't

01:15:44.100 really get to

01:15:44.480 see many

01:15:44.780 people like

01:15:45.280 you

01:15:45.500 but uh

01:15:47.120 yeah man

01:15:47.740 gang gang

01:15:48.600 gang gang

01:15:50.360 baby thank you

01:15:51.040 guys man

01:15:51.720 uh yeah

01:15:53.100 at some shows

01:15:53.660 I try my best

01:15:54.500 to pop out

01:15:55.620 and sometimes

01:15:56.220 it's a you

01:15:56.860 know it's a

01:15:57.320 I'm I'm

01:15:57.980 exhausted I'm

01:15:58.520 just some

01:15:59.720 socialize and

01:16:00.660 exhaust me

01:16:01.400 um I think

01:16:02.700 I've needed a

01:16:03.340 break for a

01:16:03.860 long time

01:16:04.380 and and

01:16:06.260 even though I

01:16:06.600 just took a

01:16:07.100 break it was

01:16:07.700 also a lot

01:16:08.480 of work

01:16:08.920 this break

01:16:09.440 was a lot

01:16:10.100 of emotional

01:16:10.920 work bro

01:16:11.620 but anyway

01:16:13.440 man I'm

01:16:13.780 grateful I

01:16:14.120 got to see

01:16:14.540 you guys

01:16:15.140 and yeah

01:16:15.880 it was it's

01:16:16.420 fun dude

01:16:17.240 uh and

01:16:19.340 those shows

01:16:19.960 were good

01:16:20.940 man

01:16:21.340 because it

01:16:22.940 took so long

01:16:23.420 to get to

01:16:23.700 Florida because

01:16:24.060 dark arts

01:16:24.640 tour started

01:16:25.580 in Florida

01:16:27.020 so that

01:16:30.400 material I

01:16:31.420 think the

01:16:31.840 show is

01:16:32.220 90% now

01:16:33.460 new stuff

01:16:34.200 um for

01:16:36.320 there but

01:16:37.620 now some

01:16:38.100 places you

01:16:38.660 know we

01:16:38.920 added and

01:16:39.400 stuff so

01:16:39.780 it's always a

01:16:40.720 little different

01:16:41.180 but uh but

01:16:42.260 yeah man that

01:16:43.480 was magical we're

01:16:44.180 gonna make

01:16:44.440 another run

01:16:44.920 through Florida

01:16:45.320 soon to some

01:16:45.920 different cities

01:16:46.660 and um yeah

01:16:49.320 I'll put some

01:16:49.740 other stuff on

01:16:50.260 the books uh

01:16:51.600 gang baby leave

01:16:52.740 me here here's

01:16:53.240 another call that

01:16:53.760 came in

01:16:54.460 hey Theo what's

01:16:56.900 up man my name

01:16:57.800 is Justin I'm a

01:16:58.660 big fan finally got

01:17:00.180 to see you in

01:17:00.680 Orlando this

01:17:01.400 weekend and you

01:17:02.800 absolutely crushed

01:17:03.700 it I appreciate

01:17:05.040 uh introducing me

01:17:06.180 to Maddie Smith

01:17:06.920 she was hilarious

01:17:07.820 she had us

01:17:08.400 pulled out of

01:17:08.880 our seats and

01:17:10.020 then you came

01:17:10.500 in and just

01:17:11.140 uh finished us

01:17:11.880 off no homo

01:17:13.180 uh anyways I

01:17:14.700 wanted to make

01:17:15.660 a comment um

01:17:17.040 your peers

01:17:18.240 Brendan Brian I

01:17:19.680 think some other

01:17:20.080 comedians they

01:17:21.160 kind of shit on

01:17:21.860 Orlando a little

01:17:22.580 bit and uh I

01:17:23.740 don't think that

01:17:24.180 they've ever gotten

01:17:24.780 the real experience

01:17:25.860 but anyways I

01:17:27.000 thought maybe you

01:17:27.600 could um give

01:17:29.000 Orlando a good

01:17:29.980 word and maybe

01:17:30.720 get uh some of

01:17:31.640 your your friends

01:17:32.340 to give it

01:17:32.680 another shot

01:17:33.360 well look when

01:17:35.540 you go there and

01:17:36.420 do champion shit

01:17:37.700 like I showed up

01:17:38.660 and did you have

01:17:39.660 a different

01:17:40.120 experience if you

01:17:41.740 showing up doing

01:17:42.580 mediocre stuff

01:17:43.940 dog if you out

01:17:45.340 there peddling uh

01:17:46.560 you know uh you

01:17:49.040 know thick biscuit

01:17:50.080 recipes or whatever

01:17:51.180 them boy you know

01:17:51.980 or fucking alopecia

01:17:53.540 treatments or

01:17:54.300 whatever them boys

01:17:55.060 came to town to do

01:17:56.020 I don't know

01:17:57.080 but we showed

01:17:58.760 up and put the

01:17:59.880 role in rock

01:18:01.480 dog we showed

01:18:03.300 up and did it

01:18:03.860 right is Orlando

01:18:04.880 weird yes it's

01:18:06.040 weird okay it's

01:18:07.480 really weird there's

01:18:09.020 a lot of sunlight

01:18:09.800 there's Disney

01:18:10.760 it's a you know

01:18:12.120 it's a great you

01:18:14.080 know there's long

01:18:14.800 the days are longer

01:18:15.780 there a little bit

01:18:16.620 it's a pedophiles you

01:18:18.120 know it's the produce

01:18:19.880 section for a pedophile

01:18:21.180 fresh as it gets

01:18:23.360 baby so it is

01:18:25.460 weird bro but

01:18:26.700 damn we gave it

01:18:28.360 hell baby

01:18:28.940 uh all right let's

01:18:31.160 get another call

01:18:31.800 that came in man

01:18:33.020 see yo what's good

01:18:35.440 man uh

01:18:36.400 struggling a bit

01:18:38.680 right now you

01:18:39.840 know uh I

01:18:40.900 looked at you

01:18:41.780 uh and looked up

01:18:43.320 to you when I was

01:18:44.940 getting clean

01:18:45.600 and giving up uh

01:18:48.400 giving up that

01:18:50.020 space of the dark

01:18:50.900 guards you know

01:18:51.540 what I mean and

01:18:52.240 not letting it

01:18:52.960 control my life

01:18:53.680 anymore um and

01:18:56.740 I guess just in

01:18:58.800 need to vocalize

01:18:59.680 it man and I'm

01:19:00.560 beat myself up a

01:19:02.640 lot I feel like I

01:19:04.660 felt my kids and

01:19:05.420 my wife again but

01:19:06.400 I uh I relapsed

01:19:09.160 the other day um

01:19:12.200 not sure what to

01:19:14.640 make of it uh guilt

01:19:15.940 shame and you know

01:19:18.000 everything else that

01:19:18.980 falls in line when

01:19:20.300 that that happens

01:19:21.400 man and uh you

01:19:23.020 know if you had any

01:19:25.560 instances like this

01:19:26.620 you know they can

01:19:30.000 share kind of what

01:19:31.880 it was that got you

01:19:33.060 over that hump and

01:19:34.220 made you not even if

01:19:36.140 you had this one slip

01:19:37.160 up you know what

01:19:37.960 yeah brother thank you

01:19:39.980 for the call man and

01:19:41.200 yeah I think just

01:19:41.820 sharing it with

01:19:42.440 someone so you're not

01:19:44.580 feeling it you're for

01:19:45.400 just for yourself you

01:19:46.300 share your feelings now

01:19:47.260 you got more than

01:19:48.100 one person carrying

01:19:49.800 the load um I uh

01:19:56.700 yeah I've relapsed

01:19:58.560 man a bunch I've

01:20:00.540 fallen back I've

01:20:01.340 tried I've not even

01:20:02.420 known if certain

01:20:03.000 programs are for me

01:20:04.020 and I've restarted the

01:20:05.020 programs you know um

01:20:06.900 I just got through

01:20:09.420 nine steps in one

01:20:11.880 program man and had

01:20:13.240 a start over um you

01:20:17.780 know uh it's it's a

01:20:23.120 journey man it's a

01:20:27.080 journey you know what

01:20:27.920 is not you know you're

01:20:29.840 you're never going to

01:20:30.780 tell your wife or kids

01:20:32.000 or think to them that

01:20:32.780 you didn't try you're

01:20:33.580 not trying so I don't

01:20:36.960 know the only thing I

01:20:37.760 know is that that the I

01:20:39.340 I do believe that those

01:20:40.280 programs work um and

01:20:43.920 and it's okay I'm not

01:20:48.220 like uh I don't want to

01:20:51.760 condone you not giving

01:20:53.460 it your best effort but

01:20:54.920 you can only give it what

01:20:56.100 you're willing to give

01:20:56.860 it you know people get

01:20:58.640 better when they're able

01:20:59.800 to get better and when

01:21:00.620 they're ready to get

01:21:01.280 better and um and I'm

01:21:04.080 sorry man I'm sure it

01:21:05.120 probably hurts that you

01:21:06.120 are having to start over

01:21:08.080 uh or have had to and

01:21:10.500 um but you're not a

01:21:13.160 bad guy you know and

01:21:17.400 you're not alone

01:21:18.940 phew uh so yeah just

01:21:26.820 try again if you feel

01:21:29.300 like trying again you

01:21:31.820 know um I just want you

01:21:34.580 to be happy you know I

01:21:36.980 just want you to live in

01:21:37.880 a space where you're

01:21:38.680 happy and I just want

01:21:41.360 your sibling your kid

01:21:42.620 you know I don't want

01:21:44.480 if you have kids man I

01:21:45.440 don't want you to miss

01:21:46.100 out on them you know

01:21:48.620 one thing I do want you

01:21:51.500 to do I want you whenever

01:21:52.420 you spend time with your

01:21:53.380 kids man I want you to

01:21:54.620 look them in the eyes

01:21:56.200 you know be there with

01:21:58.540 them let them know you

01:22:02.040 love every single thing

01:22:03.000 about them let them know

01:22:07.280 you love every single

01:22:08.400 thing about them even if

01:22:11.620 you got to name every

01:22:12.540 single thing don't name

01:22:14.080 the freaking you know

01:22:15.580 penis or what you know

01:22:16.420 I'm saying don't name

01:22:17.120 like the dirty parts but

01:22:18.220 or not dirty but don't

01:22:19.260 name the crotch but you

01:22:20.920 know what I'm saying you

01:22:21.720 know name the things

01:22:24.140 about them you love name

01:22:25.140 the characteristics about

01:22:26.260 them you love get that

01:22:28.020 in them get that in them

01:22:31.060 man but look man you

01:22:36.240 sound capable and I

01:22:38.380 appreciate you sharing

01:22:39.100 what's going on with you

01:22:40.060 and not just keeping it

01:22:41.000 to yourself and it's a

01:22:43.200 journey bro don't beat

01:22:44.900 yourself up but lift

01:22:47.220 yourself up if you can

01:22:49.100 and if you need help

01:22:51.440 ask for it you know

01:22:53.840 dude I'm getting some

01:22:54.580 my calendar this week

01:22:55.400 I'm angry because I got

01:22:56.640 to go to so much therapy

01:22:57.560 right now and shit but

01:22:58.520 that's okay I don't

01:23:01.800 you know it's a weird

01:23:02.900 time in the world it's a

01:23:06.340 weird time in existence

01:23:07.680 in in in humanity I'm a

01:23:12.440 fucking warrior dog and

01:23:15.140 you are too man you got

01:23:16.460 this shit gang baby let's

01:23:20.080 hear one more hey brother

01:23:22.420 past month I lost a best

01:23:25.740 friend um he OD'd on

01:23:29.300 fentanyl cocaine laced

01:23:31.900 with fentanyl and uh I

01:23:35.500 guess I just want to

01:23:36.900 know you know have you

01:23:38.700 ever dealt with any ODs

01:23:40.300 how did you deal with it

01:23:42.140 how did your friends deal

01:23:43.240 with it uh he's a hell of

01:23:46.020 a man dude uh I love them

01:23:48.580 to death fuck fentanyl

01:23:51.080 yeah I don't know how

01:23:53.100 they'd make fentanyl dude

01:23:54.520 you know Chinese toothpaste

01:23:56.500 some people say they call

01:23:57.780 it I don't know what it

01:23:58.860 is I don't know much

01:23:59.940 about it but uh but yeah

01:24:04.820 dude it's scary I've had a

01:24:06.080 lot of friends overdose in

01:24:07.060 the past few years um in the

01:24:09.480 past two years I think six

01:24:10.840 or seven uh you know um

01:24:17.000 it's heartbreaking it's

01:24:21.080 heartbreaking that that's

01:24:22.300 where we are in the space

01:24:24.080 of humanity where that's

01:24:25.940 how much we love each other

01:24:27.580 that there's things like

01:24:28.800 this out there it's

01:24:31.520 heartbreaking that we are

01:24:33.520 feeling broken as human

01:24:36.500 beings um we may realize in

01:24:42.360 the future that the

01:24:43.040 diversion out of like being

01:24:44.580 tribes and out of the woods

01:24:45.980 and into society was a

01:24:47.300 total wrong move and we

01:24:49.680 may end up back in you

01:24:52.160 know in the trees man um

01:24:55.680 I don't know uh but it is

01:25:00.980 scary man I'm sorry for

01:25:02.180 your loss I'm sorry for

01:25:06.340 your loss there was a guy

01:25:07.140 who used to do the audio

01:25:08.080 for this podcast named

01:25:09.080 Sherb and he took care of

01:25:10.180 the audio for a long time

01:25:11.320 and uh and he the same

01:25:14.840 thing happened to him he

01:25:15.840 overdosed uh on a some bad

01:25:18.000 pill or something and I

01:25:19.600 still think about him it

01:25:20.500 breaks my heart uh I don't

01:25:25.140 really know an answer you

01:25:27.680 know but I appreciate you

01:25:28.680 sharing and letting us think

01:25:29.760 about your friend with you

01:25:30.560 for a second um and just be

01:25:35.040 good to yourself man I bet

01:25:37.240 that's what he would want

01:25:38.080 you to do you know and uh and

01:25:41.520 just we got to battle the

01:25:42.620 dark arts dog that tour may be

01:25:45.560 over but they they are out

01:25:46.740 there we're all doing

01:25:49.260 something I jerked off

01:25:50.160 yesterday brother and I'm not

01:25:51.520 comparing that to fentanyl but

01:25:52.960 you know

01:25:55.620 it really kills my dick when I do

01:26:01.400 it I feel like

01:26:02.520 bye anyway man god bless you

01:26:07.240 god bless everybody thank you

01:26:08.500 guys for being a part of my

01:26:09.340 life uh and thanks for

01:26:10.980 listening to this podcast um

01:26:13.240 as always you can hit the

01:26:14.820 hotline nine eight five six six

01:26:16.260 four nine five zero three

01:26:19.340 uh what else dude you know I

01:26:24.320 support Joe Rogan I think that

01:26:25.800 that I think he's just a nice I

01:26:27.300 think I've never known a guy that

01:26:29.040 was more curious and just tried to

01:26:30.740 communicate we live in a scary

01:26:32.540 it's interesting out there how do

01:26:34.480 we battle it I don't know we'll

01:26:35.780 get into it more in the future

01:26:36.860 um but uh what else do we have

01:26:42.880 here um yeah let's do this man

01:26:48.380 this is uh

01:26:49.720 I love this song uh let's take it

01:26:57.740 away right now this is uh do more

01:27:00.060 good by the Cordovas um thank you

01:27:04.660 guys for being a part of my life

01:27:05.580 and really truly thank you for the

01:27:06.980 support I know some of y'all came

01:27:09.320 out to those shows even if you know

01:27:11.720 when the tours were switching over

01:27:14.080 and even if you know some of you

01:27:16.440 might not even like comedy and you

01:27:18.480 just came out to show love and uh

01:27:20.640 and I appreciate that and I want to

01:27:24.080 thank you thank you for loving me

01:27:25.480 and um

01:27:27.560 I can't thank you enough and uh I'm

01:27:33.820 thankful to my mother for putting me

01:27:35.040 on the earth

01:27:35.540 and uh and to my father for putting me

01:27:38.080 on the earth

01:27:38.580 and um I uh I um I'm grateful uh to be

01:27:46.800 out here battling you know we keep

01:27:49.540 going baby we don't stop gang gang

01:27:52.080 dog gang gang

01:27:54.200 oh that's a wrong song

01:27:59.360 well the young and the old

01:28:13.100 the sick and the cold

01:28:15.100 the ones that just long get out of

01:28:18.380 control

01:28:18.980 the ones that'll calm

01:28:21.180 and the ones that'll fold

01:28:23.300 and everyone's standing around the table

01:28:26.600 the meek and the mild

01:28:31.740 the weak and the wild

01:28:33.700 the ones who won't speak this mean

01:28:36.640 to a child

01:28:37.800 those who have lived with their feet

01:28:40.820 to the fire

01:28:41.840 and forgave every miserable jailer

01:28:45.600 hey I love them all

01:28:49.320 ain't gonna quit

01:28:51.100 and that goes double for you

01:28:55.700 gonna do more good

01:28:58.560 gonna talk less shit

01:29:00.400 and that's about all I can do

01:29:03.140 amen baby

01:29:04.400 now the free and the chain

01:29:08.780 the simple and plain

01:29:10.560 the ones that just can't seem to hit where they ain't

01:29:14.960 the ones that get by on their family name

01:29:19.180 those who have no recall

01:29:22.040 the freaks and the prideful

01:29:27.340 the peaks and the outfalls

01:29:29.420 the ones that just wait

01:29:31.420 till their dreams are all styled

01:29:33.480 for the most

01:29:34.280 too afraid

01:29:35.500 to admit they didn't lie to

01:29:37.740 martyrs

01:29:38.700 with no soul to fall

01:29:40.740 hey I love them all

01:29:44.960 I ain't gonna quit

01:29:46.620 that goes double for you

01:29:51.280 you're gonna do more good

01:29:54.040 don't talk less shit

01:29:55.980 that's about all I can do

01:29:59.360 gonna do more good

01:30:02.180 gonna talk less shit

01:30:04.040 I don't know if I'll talk less shit but

01:30:05.880 gang gang baby

01:30:07.780 be good to yourselves man

01:30:09.100 you deserve it

01:30:16.620 ladies and gentlemen

01:30:17.680 I'm Jonathan Kite

01:30:18.880 and welcome to Kite Club

01:30:20.180 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts

01:30:22.440 on things like current events

01:30:23.860 stand-up stories

01:30:25.060 and seven ways to pleasure your partner

01:30:27.380 the answer may shock you

01:30:29.300 sometimes I'll interview my friends

01:30:31.320 sometimes I won't

01:30:32.640 and as always

01:30:34.160 I'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:30:36.140 you have three new voice messages

01:30:39.000 a lot of people are talking about Kite Club

01:30:42.000 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long

01:30:44.820 longer than anybody else

01:30:46.440 so great

01:30:47.260 hi

01:30:48.240 sweetheart

01:30:49.200 easy deal

01:30:50.280 anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club

01:30:52.720 is a dodgy bloody wanker

01:30:54.780 do you know what I mean?

01:30:56.500 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese

01:30:58.780 and a McFlurry

01:30:59.820 sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken

01:31:01.680 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me

01:31:06.620 anyway

01:31:07.060 first rule of Kite Club is

01:31:09.020 tell everyone about Kite Club

01:31:10.740 second rule of Kite Club is

01:31:12.660 tell everyone about Kite Club

01:31:14.920 third rule

01:31:15.700 like and subscribe

01:31:16.860 wherever you listen to podcasts

01:31:18.300 or watch us on YouTube

01:31:20.080 yeah

01:31:20.500 and yes

01:31:21.400 don't worry

01:31:21.980 my Brad Pitt impression

01:31:23.220 will get better

01:31:24.020 you see how it looks like

01:31:26.020 maybe some universes

01:31:26.800 can

01:31:27.160 be good

01:31:27.760 outta theko

01:31:28.840 I think Tom Hanks would be

01:31:29.820 a good word

01:31:30.000 for up to you

01:31:30.600 this woman

01:31:30.880 is

01:31:32.520 great

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - February 10, 2022

E379 Return Vibes

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