This Past Weekend with Theo Von

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00:01:00.300 I have new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in New Orleans, Louisiana. We're coming back over

00:01:05.580 there. We're going to do it at the Sanger Theater down there. Down there, downtown. March 29th and

00:01:13.000 30th. That's Easter weekend. Get your tickets early with the pre-sale code RATKING starting this

00:01:19.000 Wednesday, January 17th at 10 a.m. local time. General on sale begins Friday, January 19th at 10 a.m.

00:01:26.980 local time. We also have tickets remaining in Charlottesville State College, Amherst, Brisbane,

00:01:34.460 Sydney in the Australia, and Atlanta, Georgia. Get all your tickets at TheoVaughn.com slash tour.

00:01:42.220 We are down here in Austin, Texas today over at Rooster Teeth Studios. And we are happy to be

00:01:51.420 here and really happy to let you know about today's guest. He's one of the brightest young

00:01:56.640 comedians in the world. He is just a damn, I mean, just a long damn, just ivory flamingo of a boy.

00:02:05.800 And he is just so humorous. And you know him from Matt and Shane's secret podcast and his latest

00:02:12.980 special Beautiful Dogs on Netflix. I'm grateful to get to spend time today with my friend, Mr. Shane

00:02:20.000 I don't know. I'm really not. It's a podcast. Who gives a fuck?

00:02:50.940 We can sit here and say nothing and people will be like, unbelievable. The two comedic geniuses

00:02:56.740 of our time have done it again. Legend. They're going to be like, yo, how do you jack off? How

00:03:02.080 do you poop? People are like, holy fuck. I'm not worried about it. Legend. Dude, how weird

00:03:11.200 is it when people start saying you're a legend and you're like, uh, I just ate a Wendy's burger

00:03:16.000 in the like family restroom by myself. Like I'm depressed. Yeah. That's always weird. I

00:03:23.560 think. Cause that's probably started to happen to you. People are like, dude, this guy's the

00:03:27.380 king, right?

00:03:28.960 Some, but yeah. Yeah. For sure.

00:03:31.860 A lot of, I've heard stuff like that. Off-road Elvis. People call you that. Late Elvis. Vegas

00:03:37.540 Elvis. Fat, sweaty, dying Elvis. That actually fires me up. I'll take that. Yeah. People say,

00:03:44.040 uh, like you'd be like the baddest dyke in the world. People say I've heard that. And I mean,

00:03:53.540 holding back water. I'm not talking about. Oh yeah. Yeah. Stick a finger in there. Dude,

00:03:58.600 if we win it, what if we did under, we do, we're undercover lesbians. I think you and me

00:04:02.820 can pull that off real easy. You get rid of that? Not all of it. I know. Oh yeah. Leave

00:04:09.020 a little stubble. Like one of those really crazy lesbians. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like the ones

00:04:13.520 that are like, you know, they want you to know they could have been a man if they wanted

00:04:17.040 to, but they chose this route. For sure. Yeah. Um, good to see you, man. Good to see

00:04:26.020 you, man. Shane, bro. Nice to see you. I'm always happy to see you. You too, man. Thanks

00:04:29.600 for, thanks for hanging out. And, uh, yeah. And I was so glad that I got to do Matt and

00:04:33.400 Shane's secret podcast, bro. Dude, that was awesome. Matt's amazing. Matt's one of those

00:04:38.740 guys. It's like you, Tim Dillon and Matt are the guys. Nick Mullen can do it too. It's nice

00:04:44.780 to be on a podcast with you guys where you can just sit there and be like, all right,

00:04:48.240 go. Cause I'm not, I feel like I'm not that great at it. I'm good at, you know? Yeah.

00:04:53.280 It's nice to have somebody that's just like good at it. I think if I'm feeling pretty geeked

00:04:58.180 up, then I can, you know, I can do something, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You can. But then I get,

00:05:02.820 yeah. Sometimes the wheels start to fall off. I agree. I'm actually very similar. If I'm

00:05:06.720 like, all right, this is fun. I'm having a good day. Sometimes I'll just, yeah, not many, not

00:05:11.420 many funny responses. Just, yeah. Doing it with a buddy is so fun, dude, because you

00:05:15.580 have like, there's just somebody to talk to. Like sometimes I do them by myself and I'm

00:05:19.980 like, fuck, I wish there was somebody else here, you know? Doing it by yourself is crazy.

00:05:24.780 Yeah, it really is. That's so crazy. I can't, I can't imagine. How often do you do that?

00:05:29.380 It really is. I think I do it like once a month right now by myself. It's gotta be hard.

00:05:32.920 Yeah. I think it's, let me think about what it's like. I think sometimes it's just tough

00:05:38.220 because your own, if you have a bad attitude, it's just you, you know? I can't imagine.

00:05:43.620 Yeah. If I, if I felt bad, I would go on there and just be like, Hey, I feel bad. Yeah.

00:05:48.100 But then you don't want to be every week. Like, Hey, I feel like shit. I've been in several

00:05:52.580 months of that. Yeah. Every episode I'm like fucking hung over again. Yeah. God damn it.

00:05:58.140 This is depressing. Yeah. Really? It makes you feel that? Like you, like every time you show

00:06:02.300 up, you're like, Oh, I'm hung over. And so you start to notice a pattern you mean? Oh yeah,

00:06:05.240 for sure. Yeah. Drinking too much. That's it. But I love it. I love it. There's no part

00:06:12.900 of me that's like, all right, stop. Oh yeah. It's just like, nah, you got it. That's what

00:06:18.240 you tell yourself. You got, nah, dude, you're fully in control. Nah, man. You're in complete

00:06:23.800 control, dude. Dude, one time we were drinking with my buddy and he got into the Uber, right?

00:06:29.800 And he just didn't get his, like, he had like real kind of heavy legs cause his mom kind

00:06:33.500 of had heavy legs, but she'll wear tight pants and you kind of couldn't tell. But if you

00:06:37.120 were over there a lot, you knew that she kind of had really stocky legs. And, um, but he

00:06:43.100 was bringing his second leg into the Uber and his sandal fell off. Right. So then we had

00:06:48.160 this place we would go in and he fucking shows off. Yeah. Everybody was just like, he just

00:06:53.260 seems so much drunker than he was, you know? It's crazy. I'll lose him. Yeah. We're losing

00:06:58.800 one piece of footwear and somebody's like, oh, that guy's like a lens of a glasses one

00:07:03.140 lens. You're fucking hammered. You're a crackhead now. Oh yeah. That's insane. I feel like losing

00:07:11.640 a glasses lens. You got to really, yeah. Your kids are like, nah, uh, yeah. Yeah. Your kids

00:07:18.120 are like, we're not, we're going to order pizza forever. It's pizza time. Yeah. Um, what was

00:07:26.800 all looking at this one that was making me laugh? It was, um, oh, do you see that thing

00:07:29.780 with the mayor? Do you see that thing with mayor, with the mayor of New York? No. Oh,

00:07:34.120 dude. It's, uh, um, oh yeah, this is it right here. Do you see this? So Eric Adams, he teaches,

00:07:40.680 what was he saying? They're teaching kids how to. They're teaching parents how to search

00:07:44.220 your kid's room to find drugs and gun stuff. Yeah. Did you see this? You can look at the

00:07:48.160 jewelry box, a jewelry box of this nature, maybe a simple jewelry box, but if you look

00:07:52.680 through it closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding. For instance, a gun.

00:07:56.980 That's from the state of New York. The fucking government was like, make it scary as fuck.

00:08:01.660 Hold on, hold on, hold on. Start it over. Yeah, that music is crazy. It's like, scare the

00:08:07.760 fuck out of these people. It's like, it almost seems like, um, like the story before Castlevania

00:08:13.760 starts it, like on a video game. A jewelry box. A jewelry box. Yeah. This is the opening menu.

00:08:18.080 A jewelry box. Yeah. Yeah. But if you look through it closely, you don't know what your

00:08:21.920 child may be hiding. For instance, a gun. Look at picture frames behind you.

00:08:27.380 Cameras. Try to determine what's, what's taking place. Behind a picture frame, you can find

00:08:32.640 bullets. You should always, when your child brings it. This is a video game. That's where

00:08:36.360 you find bullets in video games. Look through it to see. Look through his knapsack. You might

00:08:40.800 find a grenade. Wait. In addition to a book. Something simple as a crack pipe. Something

00:08:46.640 simple as a, as a baby doll. What great is it, kiddy? Just a baby doll, but also it could

00:08:51.580 be a place where you can secrete or hide drugs. Secrete. You can secrete. Bro, this is the

00:08:57.800 mayor. That's unusual. Like a pillow like this with a button is a perfect invitation to hide

00:09:02.800 something. And I've felt something bumpy. I would reach in and see what it is. Just

00:09:07.720 look inside the bookcases. No, dude. Bro, you guys have got to stop it, man. You guys have

00:09:12.780 to see this. I mean, it's just, that's unbelievable. Look at this. Where's, wait, where's the cocaine

00:09:16.360 at? Hi, cocaine. You can look in the jewelry box. A jewelry box. Hold on, I like it.

00:09:23.580 It could be more than just books. Go back to jewelry box. Just look and see what's inside

00:09:28.240 your bookcases. It could be more than just books. This is like Black Clue. This is crazy.

00:09:33.560 I feel like, dude. Call me fucking Colonel Muscle. Look behind this picture of your cousin.

00:09:38.560 What's that? An eight ball? Some suppositories. He's like, oh, look in, look in this baby doll.

00:09:44.300 What's in there? A shank. A picture of Andy Dufresne. Right. That's a good kid. I mean,

00:09:48.900 he's got guns and a printer. Yeah. Oh, it's a nice room. Yeah. It's like, oh, oh, look under

00:09:55.200 that Nintendo switch. Oh, what's that? Bam. It's a 12 gauge and some tramadol now and

00:10:02.040 later. He's got a lot of guns. That's pretty awesome. That's pretty awesome, man. He's a

00:10:08.740 guy. I like him. Eric Adams. Yeah. He seems funny. Yeah. Seems good. Yeah. I think he obviously

00:10:15.380 seems down to earth. He's willing to do that. Yeah. You know, because that seemed like it could

00:10:19.320 be like a sketch, you know, somebody's going to make that was a sketch. You think? Who wears that

00:10:24.080 from? No, that's real. It feels like Reno Island. That's real. That's old, though. I don't know how

00:10:29.900 that has to be old. There's no way New York. It was tweeted out like this week and that's why it

00:10:34.560 got the round. I don't need to punch holes in it because if that just came out, that looks like it's

00:10:39.120 from 20 years ago. It looks like that was. Yeah. Check your son's Invisalign case. He may be hiding

00:10:45.000 shotgun shells or just bullets. Yeah. Look behind that autographed picture of Katy Perry. Oh,

00:10:53.480 what's that? That's a Gatling gun and some oxys. Oh, you think it's just your child's retainer

00:11:00.100 case, but open it up and bam, it's an indentured servant and some quaaludes. That is good for,

00:11:07.020 yeah, honky parents need to be doing this also. What do you mean? Like just you need to find,

00:11:11.400 they need to find the weapons. Yeah. Did your parents ever check your, I'm trying to think of

00:11:15.340 my mom. Oh, my mom came in one time and I remember I was touching myself, right? Big surprise. And

00:11:22.780 she's like, what, what are you doing? That's what she said. She shamed you? Yeah. She's like,

00:11:32.220 what are you doing? And I was kind of sitting on the bed. It was almost like very, almost as if like

00:11:40.020 in the 1800s, you'd wandered upon like a, a guy who was like a jest, like a jester traveling in the

00:11:47.500 woods and he'd taken off his suit and he's yurking off by the river bank or whatever, you know? And

00:11:53.260 she's like, what are you doing? And I was like, get out. And so then she closed the door, right? She

00:11:58.920 waited like two seconds, right? I continued masturbating. She came right back in. Dude, I had

00:12:05.960 a hotel guy do this to me like a couple of months ago. No way. Really? I was in Indianapolis. A

00:12:10.380 fucking Indian man walked straight in the room while I was jacking off. A real Indian guy? Wow. No,

00:12:15.840 uh, from India. Oh yeah. Yes. Oh yeah. Hotel. Yeah, definitely. And he, the guy at the front

00:12:21.880 stood there for, yeah, he stood there for a while. Oh yeah. And I was like, yo, you got to get out of

00:12:27.160 here. And then he stood outside the door, waited like 15 seconds and knocked. Oh wow.

00:12:33.540 I started jacking off as soon as he left again. So I was jerking off again. I hear a fucking

00:12:38.460 knock. I was like, dude, get the fuck out of here. What are you doing? The crazy part is

00:12:43.360 imagine you walk over there with your wiener still in your hand and look through that little

00:12:47.360 peephole. You know? Who? Somebody else. Someone different than the guy I just screamed at with

00:12:54.160 my cock in my hand. Yeah. Hey, get out. I was also, I was naked laying on top of the

00:13:00.020 maid bed. Oh. I didn't even get under the covers. It was right when I checked in. Oh,

00:13:04.120 that's sad. I just stripped down and went straight to it. You did? Yeah. What is it that makes

00:13:08.040 us do that? You know? Hotel rooms. It's almost like, you know, some birds when they, after

00:13:13.400 they've flown for a long way, they'll like vomit right when they land. It's, uh, I don't

00:13:18.680 want to, it's something like a seagull or something. Yeah. Yeah. You know, some birds

00:13:22.440 can fly almost 1,100 miles before they land, right? But there's some when they, right

00:13:26.160 when they vomit, they land. Will you look that up? Yeah. I see defensive vomiting that

00:13:30.400 turkey vultures do. Oh, yeah. I don't know about when they land. Defensive vomiting, dude.

00:13:35.560 There's a Phillies fan defensive vomited on a kid one time. Really? At a game, yeah.

00:13:40.400 Because the guy in front of him was talking shit and he puked on his son during the baseball

00:13:43.840 game. Oh, yeah. Defensive. That guy's a turkey vulture. Dude, yeah. That's a Cracker Barrel

00:13:48.780 baptism right there, dude. Got puked on at a baseball game because your drunk dad with

00:13:54.460 one fucking lens in his glasses was mouthing off. Dude, there's way, there's way too many

00:14:01.240 fights at these games these days. Or do you think we're just recording them now? That's

00:14:04.740 what it is. I don't know. There's always been that many fights. There has always been

00:14:07.980 that many fights, but it's so easy to get in a fight at a sporting event. Yeah. Because

00:14:11.780 you want your team to win so bad. And then there's a guy next to you, like, clapping hard for

00:14:16.360 the other team. Well, people also, yeah, that's true. I hate him. I can't control this

00:14:21.560 game, but I can fuck that guy up. Oh, that's a good point. You know. I might be losing by

00:14:25.140 30 out there, but right here. Yeah, I'm about to win. This is going to be a moral victory.

00:14:29.040 I'm going to get arrested after the loss. Yeah, I'm going to be, I'm going to vomit on

00:14:33.140 this guy's fat son. Vomiting on a kid is so funny. Well. Just be like, this game's

00:14:42.100 not go well. There's no video. Is that the kid? That's the guy who did it. It's

00:14:47.900 from 2010. There's no video. Dude, he does have one lens. I knew it. Matthew. Yeah, he

00:14:53.040 does. He's got one lens. He has one lens. You're right. Matthew Clemens, Phillies fan,

00:14:58.620 vomit. Vomit man. Vomit man. He's a superhero. I guess he threw up on a cop and a kid. Damn.

00:15:08.000 He just won. Wow. He's on a spree. Yeah. It says right there, what Philadelphia Phillies

00:15:13.320 fan Matthew Clemens did was enough to make himself sick and us too for that matter. But

00:15:19.320 at least now he admits it. Wow. Good for him. We should call him sometime. The 21 year

00:15:23.520 old Cherry Hill, New Jersey. And I've been there, made love to a Native American woman

00:15:27.540 there, which is crazy because you were just talking about that. I forgot about that. And

00:15:31.360 they were the hotel was under renovations and it was crazy. I think she thought I was bringing

00:15:35.800 her to like some like crazy place or something. Cause there was the, you know, all that,

00:15:39.180 um, there was a door. Visqueen hanging everywhere. Like it was, I don't even think people should

00:15:45.260 have been staying there. Like you didn't even have a door. It was just like Visqueen. You

00:15:49.140 had to hold your card key up to the Visqueen and just make like a sound and then go. Uh,

00:15:56.260 let me see. Clemens pleaded guilty to simple assault and other charges Tuesday, May 25th, intentionally

00:16:02.040 vomiting on a man, a police officer and his 11 year old daughter. Wow. Oh, so it was

00:16:08.460 a police officer at the game. He wasn't like getting arrested. I wonder how much time they

00:16:12.960 gave him. Crime cider is offering to buy vomit man, a satellite dish to discourage him from

00:16:17.700 going to any more games, a satellite dish. He's going to be pumped. Vomit man getting hold

00:16:26.020 of a satellite dish. Let me buy you something from the past, you know? He got 30 to 90 days

00:16:32.440 in jail and two years of probation. Oh, did he? Wow. Damn. Also quick update. The Eric

00:16:38.740 Adams video was from 2011 when he's a Senator. It went reviral. Still a Senator doing that

00:16:43.620 is yes. KFC posted it on Barstool. Yeah. Check inside of your son's baseball bat, man. He could

00:16:50.360 be hiding a couple of Vikings in there. It's fucking ridiculous. You know, look under your

00:16:56.220 little daughter's pillow. She could have some hookers or escorts under there. Check under

00:17:01.720 the bed. I found you. Oh, you think that's a whore under there? Yeah. Oh, you think that's

00:17:08.540 a boogey man under your son's bed? That's some boogey pussy. That's a whore. That's an escort

00:17:14.020 right there. The khakis are so nice in that video. Khakis and a blazer just, there could be bullets

00:17:20.060 in there. Oh, you think that's a stuffed ludicrous doll? But open up his back and boom, what do

00:17:25.540 you got? A butt balloon of crystal and a couple of Narcan chewables. Um, what were we talking

00:17:33.780 about, dude? Vomit, man. Oh yeah. You moved here. I did. Yeah. You moved here since we last

00:17:39.680 talked to you. Yeah. You made a big move. So like, um, cause you moved from New York. Yeah.

00:17:45.640 Wow. And was there part of you that was kind of scared? Was there like, what were you thinking?

00:17:48.980 Cause I mean, I've thought about it, you know, and, and a lot of people have done it, you

00:17:52.800 know? No, I'd come down here a lot cause you know, do Rogan's podcast, do podcasts down

00:17:58.540 here, do comedy. So I've been down here enough. So I wasn't worried about like living here.

00:18:02.420 I was worried about, uh, comics being like a pussy. He left New York. He's trying to fucking

00:18:09.100 suck Rogan's dick. That, that was like, I was like, that's going to happen. I know that. Uh,

00:18:14.280 no, I was excited. Matt was excited about it. So I knew I had Matt coming down with

00:18:18.400 me and then we brought our other friends and it's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, uh,

00:18:24.160 and tax taxes are, Oh yeah. Buttfuck New York, dude. Yeah. It's crazy. It's great. Yeah.

00:18:31.880 And, uh, Oh, what's that in your daughter's bedroom? What's that in the pillowcase? Oh,

00:18:36.660 that's extra taxes. That's what taxes, dude. Yeah. That's taxes in a couple of somas, bro.

00:18:42.080 Like a lot of taxes up there. Oh, it's crazy. It's an extra, I think 14%. What's the state

00:18:47.340 tax rate in New York city right up there, Zachary? I think it's a 10.9. Oh, he's guessing.

00:18:52.080 What is it? No, I'm not guessing.

00:18:54.280 4% to 10.9% you see here. Wow. Cause Los Angeles is 13, I think. Yeah. I was holding around that

00:19:04.660 4% range for a while when I lived in New York. And then you probably moved up into at least

00:19:10.000 that 6.85%. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, dude. So that's kind of crazy. So you moved. Yeah. Like,

00:19:16.680 yeah, I think some people say that they're like, Oh, do you want to move there? Cause

00:19:19.280 Rogan's there? Cause Dylan's there. It seems like the new thing. And I think, yeah, I kind

00:19:24.000 of, I don't know if I had some fear. I don't know. I don't know if I had fear of that. You

00:19:28.840 definitely think, Oh, people think you're just, yeah, you're just riding that guy's wiener,

00:19:32.460 you know? Yeah. Somebody, yeah. I mean, um, but also he's like, I would say it if

00:19:38.140 I was still in New York. Yeah. Somebody else moved here. I'd be like, fucking pussy couldn't

00:19:41.780 take it. I'd do the same thing. So yeah. Come back and pay these high taxes. Hey, these

00:19:46.820 fucking taxes, live in a shithole in New York. Yeah. Um, but no, I just want to move to a

00:19:53.960 place where you could do standup during the week and forever. It was just New York and

00:19:58.680 LA. That's true. Now you can do it in Nashville and Austin. Does it feel, well, Nashville, you

00:20:03.600 cannot. Oh really? Yeah. You cannot. It's not the same. I will, I'll say that a hundred

00:20:07.680 percent. It is not the same as what it feels like here. Yeah. Like even just going over

00:20:12.060 to, um, the mothership, it's like, you can do three sets in a night probably. Yeah. You

00:20:17.600 can do, you can do four every single time. There's usually two shows in the small room,

00:20:21.240 two in the main room. I mean, that's crazy. You do four sets a night. Yeah. Four sets a night

00:20:25.420 in the same building that you can go do. I mean, that's, uh, that's unprecedented. It's

00:20:29.100 changing. What's nice is watching like, like McCusker cause he was in Philly where

00:20:33.580 you can't do that. And now he's been living here just a few months and he's, he's got,

00:20:37.600 he's gotten so good. Really? Just from doing, yeah, he can do it every night. Yeah. I met

00:20:41.460 him last night or I met him, uh, at your, yeah, I met him at your podcast. I met his wife

00:20:45.240 too. Yeah. Brittany is her name. Yeah. Yeah. She got, he got a beautiful little wife. Yeah.

00:20:50.420 She's great. Um, yeah, dude, I think having that much ability to get up is, it starts to

00:20:57.480 change it. You're like, Oh, I just practiced it. He didn't go in there. Let me, let me

00:21:01.260 try it. You're like right there. Get the bomb four times. Yeah. Take it on the road and

00:21:05.700 be like, I'm not going to change anything. Fuck. It's still not working. This episode

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00:23:40.920 code Theo to help make starting the good habit that much easier. Yeah, that's wild, dude. Yeah. Um,

00:23:50.040 what has been like, did you find a house immediately? How'd you find a house down

00:23:55.000 here? Uh, I just had a lady, a real estate lady. I was like, I just need a house that's

00:24:00.180 furnished cause I don't have anything. Yeah. So she first house she picked out. I was like,

00:24:04.660 that's it. Oh yeah. And I didn't see it until I moved in. No, it was nice. Yeah. I moved

00:24:09.380 in. I was like, it's fucking nice. Oh, it's like that show where you meet your wife the

00:24:12.700 first time. Yeah. Like Indians. Yeah. That's crazy, dude. Bro. Cause here's the craziest

00:24:19.600 part about that. Getting married like that is you, what if you know your parents are

00:24:23.300 fucking lames, dude? Like they've been picking shit out for you for Christmas every year

00:24:26.940 and they pick out like horrible shit. I don't know. There's also the, the, the forced marriage

00:24:31.860 is kind of nice though. Cause if I fuck like an ugly chick, I'm like, damn, people are going

00:24:36.680 to find out about this. You know what I mean? Right now, if it's just like, dude, I had to,

00:24:41.200 you know what I mean? It's like my parents made me fuck this chick forever. I don't

00:24:45.700 care if this girl's a girl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Oh, I got it. Yeah.

00:24:51.920 It's like being on a desert Island. Oh, I got to tell people next time. What's that? I'm

00:24:56.920 saying like, if you're stuck on a desert Island, you're going to fuck, you know, it's

00:24:59.860 like, this is who I'm with. I have to. Yeah. There's no judgment here. Oh yeah. Like Epstein's

00:25:04.920 Island. Yeah. You know, if you're on an island, whatever, my bad. No, no. I think

00:25:10.960 look, let's talk about it. If you're on an island and there's a lot of young people

00:25:15.820 running around. You're the only adult. What are you going to do? Come on, man. This

00:25:22.060 way you need to check through your child's coloring books easily in there. They could

00:25:28.380 have a couple of ninja stars and a bear trap. That guy's out of his fucking mind. That's

00:25:34.360 good stuff. Um, yeah, dude. Uh, what were we talking about? It was Islands. Yeah. We're

00:25:44.460 talking about you buying a house unseen. Yeah. Yeah. That's brave. I was, the thing

00:25:48.760 I was most worried about was the television. Cause I thought it was like, they, I thought

00:25:52.320 they were going to hit me with like the Airbnb pictures. Like you get there and you're like,

00:25:55.680 oh fuck this house sucks. TV's big. Right. So I'm good. Oh, that's good. I'm set. Thank

00:26:00.740 God it's furnished or I would have never, I'd never furnish it. Really? Yeah. I'd have

00:26:04.840 one folding chair in front of the TV. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My house was furnished when I got

00:26:09.420 my house. Thank God. And, uh, and then who told me, oh, Tom Segura told me in this room,

00:26:14.860 he said, Hey man, you got to start getting some art for yourself. You have to get something

00:26:17.780 you'll like. Cause it really does start to change the way that you think about your own

00:26:21.020 house. Tom's becoming like the Jay-Z of standup. He's like, you got to invest in art.

00:26:25.520 Yeah. He's got art. He's got sneakers. He's got, uh, Yamara, uh, what the car is called?

00:26:33.220 The fastest one. McLaren. McLaren. Is that it? Yeah. That's wild to me. I think I would

00:26:41.540 be scared to be like real rich. I wouldn't know how to do it. I bet you're all right. Oh,

00:26:46.820 I think I'm okay. Having more money for sure. But I think if I tried to be real rich, I just

00:26:52.800 don't know how I would, I don't know what I would spend money on, you know? Like, would

00:26:58.500 you get a super fast car? Um, no, I don't, I'm afraid to drive fast. Yeah. Yeah. I think

00:27:04.000 yeah. I just don't know what I would get. Probably guns. Probably a couple. You got to

00:27:08.800 get guns. Yeah. A couple for your neighbors, couple for you. Give them out. Yeah. You don't

00:27:13.740 want to shoot at your neighbors and they don't have anything to shoot. Hide them in your kid's

00:27:16.460 room. Your neighbor's kid's room. Start fucking planting guns. Oh damn. What's this behind

00:27:21.520 this child's bathing suit right there? It's an AR-15. Oh, that's a, oh, you think that's

00:27:27.860 the most dangerous gun in the world? Yeah. You think that's a water weapon? That's an

00:27:32.020 AR-15 right there with some blood on it. No, I get, I understand Tom though. He's doing

00:27:37.360 it. I mean, he's got, he's, he's got money. Why should, you know? Oh, I think there's

00:27:40.920 something. He knows how to spend it. Yeah. I just wonder what, yeah, I guess I hadn't

00:27:43.760 really thought about what I would spend, what I would buy. Like if I bought myself something

00:27:47.300 nice, you know, have you started to think, I mean, well, you got yourself a

00:27:51.620 house. Yeah. I rented it. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't buy it. Yeah. But that's nice. Yeah.

00:27:56.220 That's nice. Yeah. I don't know. Hot air balloon or something. Cool. I don't know what

00:27:59.580 I would get. Nice. Those are scary though. I'd rather go fast and get one of those. Yeah.

00:28:04.760 But if you really mastered the art of it, I got a buddy that used to fly one and he

00:28:08.200 keep fucking, that bitch would show the fuck up. Hold on. You ever see these things

00:28:12.220 crash? Huh? They come down on power lines and shit. It's so funny. Yeah. If you

00:28:17.520 don't know what you're doing. Yeah. I think you got to get one of those deep. Yeah.

00:28:22.000 Pull up some crashes. Yeah. You got to pull up and some of them run on diesel. I

00:28:26.340 think, huh? They catch fire too. Yeah. Yeah. It's scary. What's that in your four

00:28:32.080 year old's bedroom? A hot air balloon. Oh, look at this guy. Oh, boy. Coming in hot.

00:28:40.840 Oh, some guy in his sun. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on,

00:28:51.880 tater. Fucking balloon crash. The wind's picked up. Sometimes if people have a really thick

00:29:00.800 sun, their nickname is always like a starchy food. You ever notice that? Yeah. Come on,

00:29:05.860 tater. Tater. Get it done. Cake pop. Yeah. Yeah. Get in there. Pancake batter, they'll

00:29:15.660 call him. It's my son. Pancake batter. Come on, batter. Get in the truck. Dude, we're going

00:29:23.440 to fly a balloon. Just crash. Hang on, pop. Hang on, cake pop. Hang on, cake pop. Cake pop

00:29:31.260 no. Yeah. Yeah. Cake pop. Dude, and you know one of their family members definitely shot that

00:29:36.940 bitch down in the distance, dude. That's also a risk, dude. Oh. Anyone could shoot you down

00:29:41.640 anonymously. Dude, you can take those things out. You'll never get caught. Yeah. Pull that

00:29:47.380 up. Man anonymously shoots down hot air balloons. Watchers like 2,000 videos of that. Get a

00:29:55.640 Confederate flag air balloon. Ooh, that'd be cool, huh? Yeah. Let it fly. Get a target.

00:30:00.760 Go tough, huh? Yeah. Go tough on them. See who's, yeah. See who wants to shoot it down.

00:30:08.460 Dude, fly it past like, uh, like the, uh, Bayou Classic or something every year. Get them fired

00:30:14.120 up. But dude, I will say this. If you hang one speaker out of it playing do the stanky

00:30:19.820 leg, everybody will let it go by. People will be like, oh, all right. Oh, there we go. Civil

00:30:28.700 War. Yeah. They had them. Yeah. What were real hot air balloons used during the Civil War

00:30:32.920 for? They would just use it surveillance. Oh, it's like a spy plane. I think Napoleon used

00:30:38.600 them first. Really? Maybe not first, but he was, he was using them. It's like bombs with drones

00:30:43.000 like we were talking about. Yeah. I'd scare the fuck out of you if the other side had

00:30:46.100 that. Both the Union and Confederacy used hot air balloons for reconnaissance to help determine

00:30:50.600 the location of troops and artillery. This innovation in aerial warfare was a trailblazer

00:30:55.300 for its time as it took place 42 years before the invention of the airplane. Wow. But dude,

00:31:00.320 imagine that bitch starts going down near the enemy. Oh, fuck. Can't turn it. Just hang

00:31:09.580 on. Hold on. K-pop. K-pop. No. God, dude. That kind of shit's just fucking heartbreaking.

00:31:19.400 Yeah. Hot air balloons, you can't get, you don't want one of those. But imagine you run

00:31:23.460 outside right now. Have you ever been in one? Huh? Yeah, I've been in one. Really? Yeah,

00:31:26.680 I've been in one. I was with my buddy's dad when we were kids. He like proposed to this lady

00:31:33.520 in one, dude. With the kids? Yeah. And she said no. And so then we're like, well, what

00:31:39.140 the fuck? That's a tough rest of the trip. Yeah. And we were trying not to like act excited

00:31:44.000 because we're in there because we could tell like he was bummed out. It's tough to be bummed

00:31:48.500 out on like the ledge of a hot air balloon looking away from them like trying to be sad.

00:31:54.520 Oh, it was sad, dude. And that guy's always, he's been sad since then. There's a lot of videos

00:31:59.200 of him online. And he's always listening to that song. There goes my hero. Watch him

00:32:07.680 as he goes. Just seeing his old self. That's the man I used to be. Yeah. Tiffany was his

00:32:13.600 girlfriend's name. And she's like, I don't think so. And that's how she said it. We're

00:32:17.700 like, what the fuck? It's like, yeah. And it was like 70 more minutes we had to spend

00:32:23.420 up there. Yeah. Because the tour guy, I think he didn't really play, know what was going

00:32:27.500 on. So he just kept giving us the tour of like, oh, no. Yeah. Oh, it's shit like that

00:32:35.980 that just makes you wonder what's going on. Yeah. I think that fucks people up. Like

00:32:39.380 when you're supposed to be happy, like a cool, like a hot air balloon or like that kid jumping

00:32:43.600 off the fucking cruise ship. Like having something like that was supposed to be fun and good get

00:32:48.340 horribly ruined. Yeah. That kid was from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I don't know if we talked

00:32:51.740 about that last time we're together, but maybe that kid was a good topic. He was just partying

00:32:56.460 and he jumped off and never seen it again. Check this shit out. Yeah. But the craziest

00:33:00.360 is people were like, that's a shark. There's like one little piece of like water and it

00:33:04.640 just looks like some white and like definite shark. Yeah. People make like comments like

00:33:09.640 that online. Oh, crazy. That would have been quick for a shark to munch him that quick.

00:33:14.620 Impossible. I feel like they take their time, right? Well, also the odds of shark is going to

00:33:18.340 be right there at that moment. I do think sharks follow cruise ships.

00:33:25.540 Serge called off. Oh, that's the toughest. Oh, that's yeah.

00:33:29.460 Oh, saying bye bye to him. Oh, that's the worst. You got to regret that. You know, dude,

00:33:45.060 something like that happened to me, man. It was when we had a guy who fell on a basketball

00:33:49.500 court and died when we were kids. And when he fell, I yelled out like Reggie Lewis. Remember

00:33:54.480 there was that guy Reggie Lewis that had died? No. Reggie Lewis. Look him up if you can.

00:33:59.220 Reggie Lewis. That's him right there. Reginald C. Lewis was an American professional basketball

00:34:07.680 player for the NBA. It's Boston Celtics. That was it. Beautiful man right there. And he collapsed

00:34:14.920 on the court. Who was there was another guy that did that, too. That was like a. I think

00:34:20.200 it was B.J. Armstrong. He was real famous. Um. Keontae Johnson. No. No. Don't just name

00:34:32.640 a black guy. Keontae Johnson. No. Yeah. But it happens to people. But yeah, this happened

00:34:38.660 to him. And so we thought this guy just fallen down. He's tripped. And so I remember yelling

00:34:42.920 that out. Reggie Lewis. And then they tried to revive him and he died. Oh, no. I didn't

00:34:47.600 jinx him. That's insane to say to somebody. You jinxed him, dude. I can't believe you

00:34:50.220 put that on. I didn't jinx him. Look up if I jinxed him or not. Yeah. I don't think you

00:34:59.560 jinxed him. Yeah. That's heartbreaking, though. I'm sorry that I did that. Um. How's it. Have

00:35:04.540 you felt good about moving here? Now, once you moved here, was it kind of like different

00:35:07.260 or was it different than you thought? Like, what are some things that were kind of cool

00:35:09.700 about it? I don't know. It's I, you know, you know, when you move, I was sad for like a

00:35:14.640 week. Oh, really? Yeah. I was by myself. It was scary. I was used to having fucking

00:35:18.740 I was used to living in apartments. I lived in Philly and New York the last decade. So

00:35:22.360 I was like, there's usually somebody around. Now I was out there by myself. I got scared

00:35:27.960 for a while. I was scared. Really? I get scared at night. Noises. Yeah. Yeah. You think

00:35:32.900 it's a noise and it's just you farted. Just waking myself up with farts. What the fuck

00:35:38.640 was that? Uh, yeah. I mean, I was scared for a while. Yeah. I was emotional. I would

00:35:45.020 cry during movies when I was at night by myself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, so that's what

00:35:51.880 you have to look forward to. It's scary and you cry. That's it. Oh, that's just fine.

00:35:56.900 That's just part of the American condition these days, then. Oh, you're fine, then. Yeah.

00:36:01.160 That was all. Um. Yeah. Cause I think I thought, I don't know if I thought Nashville would be

00:36:05.420 a busier comedy scene. I didn't think that. Um, because they just have one club. It's

00:36:09.960 like a functioning club there, right? It's like they have a headliner flies in every

00:36:13.400 weekend. So they help you as much as they can, but they just don't have as much space,

00:36:17.520 you know? Um, and then there's not a lot, as many other rooms around the area, but here

00:36:23.500 it's like, yeah, it feels like you could go. Like we met a guy last night. He'd done

00:36:25.960 like five spots, you know? Yeah. You can do that here. It's like, wow. Yeah. I mean,

00:36:30.340 that's crazy to think you could do that in a city. I mean, there was never, maybe

00:36:33.360 Chicago you could do that in. Maybe. I don't know. New York, obviously you can.

00:36:37.840 Yeah. L.A. L.A., definitely. Those are the two. Yeah. But that was, yeah, I don't

00:36:42.100 know. Um, but yeah, you can do it if you want. Yeah. Yeah. All right. This is going

00:36:50.640 well. This is going well. Um. What else we got? I'm trying to think of other, uh, horrible

00:36:55.500 deaths I can think of. Oh, dude, what about that? There was something I was looking at

00:36:59.340 the other day. It was, uh, um, pull up that, what's that death page on Twitter where they

00:37:04.140 have a lot of deaths on there? It's an animal. I might have even sent it to you the other

00:37:08.560 day. Oh, history photographs. We were looking at this picture, uh, back in the day they had

00:37:13.120 to hang an elephant. Oh, there you go. To, just read the caption. Just to look at the judicial

00:37:18.280 system in the world, right? So this elephant, right? The hanging of Mary the elephant, also known

00:37:26.160 as murderous Mary, I guess a bad elephant, was publicly executed for killing her handler

00:37:31.660 in 1916. It was meant to be a warning to other criminal elephants. So it just, you got to

00:37:49.000 think the judicial abilities of human beings is always. Why? But I guess if you're another

00:37:56.460 elephant, you got to be like. Yeah, I see what's going on here. Yeah, these motherfuckers

00:38:01.500 mean business, cuz. The, uh, I mean the idea though. Yeah. The guy who was like, fucking

00:38:06.780 hang that motherfucker. Everyone else would probably fucking shoot it in the head. Behind

00:38:13.700 closed doors, we'll just, we'll be done with this elephant. Well, behind a huge closed

00:38:17.700 door, people would know what you're doing. We gotta make an example. We gotta make an

00:38:19.900 example of this fucking elephant. Yeah, yeah, not this bitch, huh? Hang it. Murderous

00:38:24.400 Mary, not this bitch. Have you seen what she's fucking doing? She probably did some pretty

00:38:29.780 crazy shit. Yeah, this bitch drank 200 gallons of fucking water. I, uh, I had a friend

00:38:34.400 who's, uh, a friend of their mother's was like a big elephant advocate. Like, was like,

00:38:40.460 she was a rich lady, so she was like, save the elephants. Oh, yeah. Rich people do

00:38:43.640 that, man. That was her cause. And then she finally. Their kids hate them, so they save

00:38:46.380 rare animals. So then she was like, alright, she went to Africa to, like, her first trip

00:38:50.920 to meet the elephants. Mm-hmm. And one of them fucking killed her. Oh, shit. Fucking

00:38:56.180 killed her, dude. And they don't, I don't think people know this about elephants. They

00:39:02.380 don't kill you. It's not fun, dude. They don't, it's, they ground you. They use their

00:39:06.460 face and fucking mush you into the ground. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like when you see people

00:39:11.500 do, like, um, those stone ground, uh. Yeah. Into the. Flower and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I

00:39:17.840 just. Like, they're artisan chefs. Elephants are. They are. They'll grind you up. Oh, that's

00:39:23.560 heartbreaking. Elephant kills woman. Oh, this is a different one, but yes, this is also

00:39:26.660 incredible. Oh, damn. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. This is awesome. Is elephant a euphemism for

00:39:32.300 somebody because. Let's go back and read this. Elephant kills woman and returns to

00:39:37.840 her funeral. Elephant kills woman and returns to her funeral to attack her corpse. Wow.

00:39:45.960 Odisha, India. Bizarre animal stories are heard often. Maya Mermu was collecting water in

00:39:52.300 Raipai village located in the Myrbanjan district of Odisha, India. When a herd of elephants came

00:40:01.800 away, she tried to flee, but one of them rushed her. Oh, that's heartbreaking, man. Let me

00:40:07.120 see. At the ceremony that was taking place, the Times venue reported that a herd of elephants

00:40:10.100 appeared from the forest, sending villagers running. They left Mermu's body behind. Wow.

00:40:14.560 She had a liquid death.

00:40:16.560 One. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One of the elephants then reportedly attacked a woman's

00:40:22.280 court by picking up the body and throwing it in the air. Wow. Hmm.

00:40:31.400 Thankfully, there's a video. Should I play it? Yeah. I don't know. Let's take a vote in

00:40:36.340 the room. I mean, it's. All right. Everybody said yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. I didn't want

00:40:44.500 to do it. Oh, man. Oh, this is just afterwards. I think it's the aftermath. I don't think they

00:40:54.200 were wrong. Oh, that'd be the worst, I think, if it all came into your house. Yeah, it'd be

00:41:01.420 up there. Because even if you go in another room, it can just come right in there. It's

00:41:05.260 not like it has to use the door, you know? Oh, that'd be so hectic, man. I mean, especially

00:41:10.360 like at your mom's funeral. Yeah. You're like, there's that motherfucker that did it. Yeah.

00:41:15.060 He's come back to fuck everybody else up, too. Mm-hmm. You think you could do a big crime

00:41:19.660 like that, do a big murder? I don't think I could murder. I don't think. Well, now,

00:41:25.560 you think it's just an empty bottle of Prime on your child's windowsill? Well, open it up

00:41:30.580 and bam, there's some homemade lean topped off with a little mini cache of nerve gas. Who

00:41:37.420 was that for, dude? That's Eric Adams, dude. Yeah, that's true. Who's fucking kidding? Was

00:41:44.000 that Hunter Biden's room? Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, that actually was. Yeah. Oh,

00:41:50.020 what's this here? That's a My Little Pony? No, that's a My Little Fentanyl stash. Yeah.

00:41:59.700 What else can we talk about, dude? I don't know. That's about as good as it gets, though. Hot

00:42:03.780 everloons. Yeah. Fucking elephants. But if you could do a murder or not, man. Yeah. I know

00:42:09.600 God wouldn't want me to do it. That would be the thing. Yeah. He would be like, don't

00:42:13.300 do it, buddy. And I would be like, I'm not gonna. And then I would maybe sneak. I swear

00:42:18.140 I'm not gonna do it. Hit him under the table so God can't see. Little Greedo. Little Han

00:42:23.240 Solo. They should have tables that are like God resistant or whatever. Like whatever happens

00:42:27.980 under here, you know? Yeah. I remember a girl letting me feel her back one time at the

00:42:34.540 library where kind of horny children or whatever. Yeah. I guess she didn't want me touching her

00:42:40.760 breasts or whatever. I think maybe I don't. I didn't even know what was going on. Back's

00:42:44.480 good. She's like, you can feel on my back. Back's real good. And I just remember just feeling

00:42:48.900 her back. I'm gonna be a back man now that you mention it. Fucking nice, huh? Rubbing a

00:42:52.740 lady's back. It's one big flat, long tit. Yeah. That's all the back is. Now you say it,

00:42:58.700 yeah. You know? Yeah, let me get that flat. Let me get that. The small, the small of the

00:43:04.600 back. Put your hand there. Oh, dude. Holy shit. If you touched on the small of her back

00:43:09.380 and her body, it felt warmer there. You're like, I don't know. You know, it felt like she

00:43:14.580 was baking cookies in her butt or something. Yeah. It felt always warmer there. You know

00:43:18.880 what I'm talking about? It is warm, yeah. Like, whoa, what am I doing down here? I remember

00:43:22.520 the first time a girl let me touch the small of her back and had some hair on it, right?

00:43:25.660 Because her dad was really tough. And I was like, I don't care. I'll fucking pet this

00:43:31.280 girl. Yeah, I don't mind. I will pet this bitch. I'm in love. Girls, sometimes girls

00:43:36.800 have really hairy butts. Really? Yeah. I think naturally girls sometimes have, I think

00:43:42.380 they have to, they have to work on that. I don't. Some of them get like man's ass. I

00:43:46.920 don't think these are girls. Unless I'm getting tricked. You're getting tricked by some of that

00:43:53.380 that ass pussy. Search girl, hairy ass girl. Yeah, bring something up. You're gonna see

00:43:57.580 that. We have blockers on a lot of our stuff, but if you can get around some of it, maybe

00:44:01.320 on Twitter. Are you allowed to show hairy ass? I was looking for a picture, but read

00:44:05.140 this top Reddit post. My girlfriend has a lot of hair on her ass. How do I approach this?

00:44:11.260 Great question. Let's, let's review this. Do you have a minute? The problem is that her

00:44:14.260 asshole is very hairy. This is on Ask Women, by the way, the subreddit. If it bothers you so

00:44:21.580 much, you can't be with her because of it, you have to straight up tell her about

00:44:24.540 it. Why is she getting all ratchet all of a sudden? Somebody just reported hair. She's

00:44:30.740 like, you gotta straight up tell her about it. Period. Honey, your hairy asshole disturbs

00:44:36.660 me. Here's the actual post. But I think your, um, my girlfriend is beautiful and she does

00:44:43.560 a great job of manicuring her lady bits. The problem is that her asshole, and they wrote

00:44:49.740 it like that, is very hairy. It's kind of a turnoff when I'm down there. A few

00:44:54.020 wouldn't bother me, but this is a lot more than a few. Oh. How did you all start

00:44:59.900 taking care of your nether regions? Did you read about it in a magazine or you just

00:45:03.020 do it naturally? How should I approach this topic with her without getting her

00:45:05.560 upset? Start getting those magazines, laying them around. Yeah. She's taking a

00:45:09.680 hairy ass shit. You can leave one in the bathroom. Ew, dude. Hairy butt ladies.

00:45:14.460 You. Hairy butt. I know. It's starting to bother me again. I don't know if I would mind

00:45:22.440 a little hair like on the hips probably. I just think the actual cheeks, if there were

00:45:26.620 hair on them. The crack, dude. Not the cheeks. Like a man's, like an Italian man's

00:45:31.700 ass. Yeah. Yeah. Like a fucking Jewish sideburn down there, huh? Yeah. Getting into her

00:45:38.740 Jewish tunnels. You see them coming out of the tunnels? What? Oh, the Orthodox Jewish

00:45:43.720 people. Yeah, yeah. Bring that up, dude. Jews, it's better. They're getting some bad

00:45:49.260 PR lately. This might be the worst one. A guy came out of it. All right. This is, I

00:45:54.380 swear to God, I'm not being anti-Semitic. A dude, Jewish dude coming out of a sore

00:45:58.080 grate in New York. Oh, yeah. There's a video of that and it's. A New York synagogue

00:46:03.120 erupted in a chaos Monday night. Let's play a bit of it. All right. That is tough to address

00:46:07.740 though. I know we're moving on to Jews and tunnels, but. Well, let's finish it

00:46:11.280 out then. Hairy ass woman. Let's finish out then we'll go to this because I think, well,

00:46:16.340 I think the tough, well, some people, they make hair on their bodies to survive cold

00:46:21.480 weather. Can you look that up, Zach? You know what I'm talking about? I think, yeah. I

00:46:25.680 think that's what it is for. Yeah. So sometimes you don't want to have a wife that can't

00:46:29.120 survive if, you know, you don't want to put the AC at 60. She's always cold. Yeah.

00:46:33.140 Yeah. You don't want to put the AC at 64 one night and then she fucking, she's fucking

00:46:36.920 dead in the morning. You know, it's a good trade off. Would you accept your girl to never

00:46:42.120 fucking complain about being cold, but she has to have a hairy ass or she complains every

00:46:46.660 single fucking day. Now, what if it were like stuffed animal hair? That would be kind

00:46:50.120 of fun. That would be nice. That I agree with. But I'm telling you, I've seen videos. These

00:46:54.360 girls have fucking Italian man's ass. Like long hair? Like fucking dude. It looks like

00:47:00.400 a dude's ass. Pull up something. Oh, no. No, my God. Hmm. Well, that's more than I've

00:47:07.760 ever seen, but. Oh, wow. That's a lot, huh?

00:47:11.140 You can't see this video on the audio, but there's just a black girl watching it with

00:47:23.180 her mouth open. Making the same face we're all making. Yeah. Oh, my God. Ooh. All right.

00:47:29.220 Whoa. Holy shit, dude. Wow. I'm telling you, dude, they have Greek man's ass. Wow. And what,

00:47:40.620 who has that? Who has the most hair on their ass, is it? I haven't found a culture. I would

00:47:46.200 say. Okay. Look that up. And what do you do? How do you approach that? Mediterranean.

00:47:51.240 How do you approach that with a woman? I don't know how. I would never. But you've obviously

00:47:55.260 dealt with it. No. And South Asian descent are reported to have a relatively high amount

00:48:00.100 of body hair. Mediterranean. Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, and South Asian descent. Wow.

00:48:07.680 Yeah. Yeah. I think, God, I just, because the crazy thing, say if you feel down her butt

00:48:14.660 and then you feel some hair there, but you have to still be hopeful for, you know, I just

00:48:22.780 think, yeah, what do you do? Yeah. I don't know how to address it. My friend was talking

00:48:26.280 to me about addressing his, he was afraid his girlfriend was gaining weight. And he was

00:48:30.420 like, so I told her and I was like, damn, I would never, I would let her get fat and

00:48:35.260 then resent her and break up with her. Yeah. Also who am I to criticize? But you know, you

00:48:40.400 know, I think a lot of people do that. A lot of people, Oh, I was, even if they're not gaining

00:48:45.240 weight or whatever, I think I was in, I stayed with a girl just because I hated her so much.

00:48:50.180 I was like, well, if I, if you, if I, if I let you go, you might find happiness. I'm going to

00:48:58.520 fucking make sure you're miserable too. Isn't that horrible? And I feel horrible about that,

00:49:03.240 but I was young and I was just that kind of fuck, you know, I didn't know how to operate or be a

00:49:07.840 decent human at all. But yeah, pull up that ass again, buddy. Oh yeah. It's the other cheek

00:49:15.700 that gets you. Cause that cheek's already almost done. I love how one of the black girl's eyes

00:49:22.340 keeps closing more. Oh, that's crazy, man. God. Yeah. But, but then I bet here now we'll say

00:49:31.580 this, Shane, think about a long time ago, 1300s, fours or whenever early, right? And you get a woman

00:49:39.420 and she has hair on her. Bet it feels good. I bet it does feel good. You know? Yeah.

00:49:45.700 So that's good. Now, if you're a fucking freak and you start petting it a little,

00:49:51.020 I, some of it is how you approach it. I can see that. You're like, oh, let me pet this fucking

00:49:56.180 little hair, hair butt. That's nice. Fucking twisting it up a little. Hey, let me get a little and

00:50:05.840 yank it real hard, which isn't expected. That's fun. Yeah. That's fun, dude. Dude, I got hair like on my

00:50:12.280 legs and I've been running a lot, bro. And it starts to get tangled up and I'm like, what the

00:50:16.000 heck? That's been pretty challenging. Do you wish you'd learned how to manage money in school? I do.

00:50:22.040 God, I didn't, you know, I was keeping up my money and my dang underpant drawer and all of that. I

00:50:27.760 forgot to cash checks. I mean, I had to cash them. And so I had dang 40 checks and the pizza place I

00:50:34.340 worked at went out of business and I lost a lot of that money, but it's hard. It's hard if you don't

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00:51:51.040 information. Today's episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. You know, a new year and

00:51:57.300 in a new beginning. People say that kind of stuff a lot. Sometimes you need a new beginning with

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00:53:02.980 slash Theo. But yeah, bring up those Jews again, man. What were they doing?

00:53:08.980 Yeah, so I guess NYPD on Monday busted like a secret meeting. I guess they had been building

00:53:14.020 secret tunnels.

00:53:14.920 Through what? The financial system?

00:53:19.780 I mean, this is worst case for the Jewish people. Not really. Not worse. Yeah. But not

00:53:26.220 even the worst thing in the last few. But all right.

00:53:28.280 This is crazy, man.

00:53:31.040 They do get after it.

00:53:32.500 Oh, they're crazy. Look at this one, dude.

00:53:34.020 Yeah, they get after it.

00:53:35.080 This one that popped out of the floor right there.

00:53:37.200 It popped out of nowhere.

00:53:38.780 And he's biggie walls. Look at that, dude. You see him?

00:53:42.800 Don't flip the pews, brother.

00:53:44.640 It's just hectic, man.

00:53:46.140 Do you see how fucking comfortable that guy was walking the plank?

00:53:49.440 Yeah, bro. These people...

00:53:50.600 They were fine with this.

00:53:51.820 This is an Orthodox Jewish group, man. This incident... Let me read the article. So,

00:53:55.220 the incident began Monday afternoon after a cement truck was sent to the Chabad Lubavitch

00:53:59.880 World Headquarters, known as the 770 due to its address in Crown Heights, according to

00:54:05.780 COL Live. The truck was ordered to fill up an underground tunnel that had run from the

00:54:09.680 main synagogue to a now-closed building next door, the outlet reported.

00:54:14.700 First reports of the tunnel surfaced in late 2023 after a homeowner had called authorities

00:54:18.460 about suspicious noises in his neighborhood. And that's draedling, isn't it, I think?

00:54:23.180 I mean, think of hearing noises under your house.

00:54:25.880 Just Jewish guys.

00:54:28.160 It's just somebody listening to modest Yahoo.

00:54:31.220 They're like, okay, what's going on?

00:54:32.940 You can't tell anyone. You can't be like, dude, I swear to God, there's Jews.

00:54:35.780 There's Jews under my fucking house, dude. I know there's Jews down there.

00:54:39.080 No one's going to believe you.

00:54:40.660 Yeah, they're like, dude, you mean...

00:54:42.260 You need to put down the fucking internet.

00:54:44.340 The Jews aren't everywhere like that.

00:54:45.900 You mean underwriting your mortgage, or what are you talking about?

00:54:48.440 No, they're fucking in there. I hear them. They whisper.

00:54:53.320 However, following excavation of a trench for the project, simultaneously a construction

00:54:58.240 project was in progress to install new plumbing in the 770.

00:55:01.420 However, following excavation, the underground tunnel had been discovered.

00:55:07.380 The tunnel had reportedly been worked on during nights for an unknown amount of time,

00:55:10.720 stretching the tunnel to a next-door building women's section.

00:55:14.640 Ah.

00:55:15.840 That's nice.

00:55:17.060 Yeah.

00:55:17.480 Meet me in the fucking tunnel, babe.

00:55:19.480 Yeah.

00:55:19.800 That's good.

00:55:22.480 That's crazy, dude.

00:55:23.640 And that's Orthodox Jew...

00:55:24.880 Is that Orthodox Jewish people?

00:55:26.940 It appears so, yeah.

00:55:28.000 Those people are wild, man.

00:55:29.300 We had a garbage man on, right, from New York, and he said the worst people that he came

00:55:36.260 across were Orthodox Jewish people, dude.

00:55:38.680 New York, yeah.

00:55:39.460 He said the kids would come out and tell him to just go fuck himself and flip him off,

00:55:43.480 dude.

00:55:43.640 Look at them.

00:55:44.320 They're getting rowdy with the...

00:55:45.140 They were getting rowdy during COVID.

00:55:46.340 I think I heard maybe those tunnels were so they could continue to go to synagogue during

00:55:52.480 COVID because they locked that down.

00:55:54.920 Right.

00:55:55.380 Now, that's what, you know, that's what the media is saying.

00:55:57.420 Well, that...

00:55:58.280 Right, right, right.

00:55:59.560 And by the media, we mean...

00:56:01.460 Who knows?

00:56:02.020 ...them.

00:56:02.800 Yeah, so...

00:56:04.240 Here's a guy coming out of the grate.

00:56:05.500 Look.

00:56:05.580 The guy coming out of the grate is one of the most anti-Semitic things I've ever seen in my life.

00:56:09.440 Dude.

00:56:10.720 Oh, wow.

00:56:13.860 Oh, no.

00:56:15.640 Where is this guy going, dude?

00:56:18.360 To get a rebate.

00:56:19.940 Yeah, that's insane.

00:56:21.560 Coming out of the grate.

00:56:23.240 Bro, they started pepper spraying him, and pepper spray's not kosher, I don't think.

00:56:27.180 Look it up.

00:56:27.960 There's gonna be some lawsuits.

00:56:28.740 But no, we had a garbage man, and he said that for some reason those people were like

00:56:32.140 kind of the coldest to him.

00:56:33.200 What did he say, Zach?

00:56:34.680 He mentioned that the kids would fuck with his truck, and he hated going there.

00:56:38.080 That was the main thing.

00:56:38.980 And he also just said they were rude.

00:56:40.540 And also, what is it, New Year?

00:56:42.060 They throw all their shit out every year?

00:56:43.520 Oh, yeah.

00:56:43.800 That was part of it, too, I think.

00:56:44.840 So there's probably some anger from him, because they had to pick up so much stuff.

00:56:47.260 Like, they do, like, a cleansing, I guess.

00:56:49.400 I can say, like, it's part of tradition to, like, reset everything.

00:56:52.060 And when the New Year, like, throw everything out.

00:56:53.980 Yeah.

00:56:54.220 And buy new.

00:56:55.400 So, like, that day of the year, they said they would just go up and down the same street

00:56:58.620 all day long.

00:56:58.760 Goes against some stereotypes.

00:57:01.320 Yeah.

00:57:01.900 You know?

00:57:02.160 That's true.

00:57:03.280 Yeah, getting all new stuff, man.

00:57:05.700 But they had this, is this, they had a group in, I don't know if it was in New York, it

00:57:09.280 was, like, Orthodox Jewish people, they would move into a neighborhood, bring the value of

00:57:13.580 the neighborhood down, and then buy up the other places, and then bring it back up.

00:57:20.240 There was some law, it was, like, a lawsuit that they made, or something.

00:57:28.380 Anyway.

00:57:30.420 Yeah.

00:57:31.620 It's a touchy subject, but there's no denying that there's tunnels that is funny.

00:57:37.740 Oh, yeah.

00:57:38.400 It is, there's nothing we can do about, you know?

00:57:41.060 We're not trying to be.

00:57:42.540 Oh, I don't think we're being bad people or anything, because, yeah, these guys popped

00:57:46.160 up out of a fucking tunnel.

00:57:47.300 Anybody got out of a tunnel.

00:57:48.340 It's so funny.

00:57:49.020 It's fucking insane, dude.

00:57:51.640 It was funny when, fucking, do you ever see the video of El Chapo escaping prison?

00:57:54.200 It's great.

00:57:54.980 Anybody going in and out of a tunnel is hilarious.

00:57:57.080 Yeah.

00:57:57.560 He goes into a tunnel, like, behind a toilet.

00:58:00.440 He just escapes.

00:58:01.640 Did you see the one, there's, like, some guy in his trailer, right, and a meth head comes

00:58:05.800 up through just, like, the vent in the floor that he has, like, you know, like, and it's,

00:58:10.300 like, looking for something.

00:58:11.380 It's so startling.

00:58:12.480 And the guy's like, what in the fuck are you doing in here?

00:58:15.620 Somebody coming out of the floor is fucking so scary.

00:58:21.200 Because they're not going to come out, like, smiling.

00:58:23.080 They're going to come out.

00:58:25.180 Holy shit.

00:58:26.400 It's a bunch of fucking ninja turtles, dude.

00:58:29.280 Oh, is this it?

00:58:31.000 Yeah, El Chapo.

00:58:31.740 He's fine.

00:58:32.080 The time is right.

00:58:32.880 Super Mario is right out.

00:58:35.800 He's gone, dude.

00:58:37.000 He's gone?

00:58:37.620 Wow.

00:58:40.220 Do, do, do, do, do, do.

00:58:42.180 Boop, boop, boop.

00:58:43.700 Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

00:58:46.380 You got to make it Mexican somehow.

00:58:49.300 Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

00:58:51.500 I don't know how to do it.

00:58:53.040 You get it.

00:58:53.640 That's wild, dude, bro.

00:58:55.000 How fun would that be to break out of prison, though?

00:58:57.600 Awesome.

00:58:58.520 How would you do it?

00:58:59.360 You think you're big, see?

00:59:00.520 I have no tunnels.

00:59:01.940 Yeah, you get stuck.

00:59:02.960 Yeah.

00:59:03.860 I think I'm in there.

00:59:05.780 I think I'm fucking stuck.

00:59:08.620 I think I go to jail.

00:59:09.880 I'm in jail.

00:59:10.880 There's no getting out.

00:59:11.840 Fuck, man.

00:59:12.340 Yeah, I can't get out.

00:59:14.240 Fuck.

00:59:14.580 Laundry basket's too small.

00:59:16.120 Yeah, but Warden, you big boss, man.

00:59:18.540 You look like the big boss, man.

00:59:19.700 I mean, obviously, you're going to play him in a biopic.

00:59:25.740 No, I think I'm in there.

00:59:26.700 How are you getting out?

00:59:27.980 Damn.

00:59:28.500 God damn it.

00:59:31.860 God damn it, dude.

00:59:33.120 So, and look, this goes back to-

00:59:37.400 Don't you dare fade that, you cocksuckers.

00:59:39.980 Just zoom in on that big one, the one you already have that's biggest, please, if you

00:59:42.760 don't mind.

00:59:43.120 Let's just get a gander at this fella.

00:59:45.740 Oh, Shane.

00:59:47.300 I get it.

00:59:48.180 Get out there.

00:59:49.640 Bro, that's your hot air balloon of success right there.

00:59:52.100 Jump on that thing.

00:59:55.000 Oh, was that going the wrong way?

00:59:56.440 Fuck.

00:59:56.760 I do that all the time.

01:00:01.660 That's so nice.

01:00:02.260 If I'm feeling bad at the gym or at home, mostly at home.

01:00:05.900 It's time.

01:00:06.800 That was some Brazilian barbershop, and they keep tagging me and shit.

01:00:09.660 Really?

01:00:10.320 Yeah.

01:00:11.080 With some kid.

01:00:11.800 That kid was Brazilian.

01:00:13.960 For those of you who don't know, Shane put like a, he saw this hand signal.

01:00:18.660 What is it?

01:00:18.960 It was great.

01:00:19.560 My friend Billy sent it to me, and then I sent it to Gabe Davis, who plays for the Bills.

01:00:24.060 And it's just a hand signal on TikTok of a kid.

01:00:25.940 Yeah, it's just a chubby kid doing a funny, he was actually, I didn't realize it, it

01:00:29.600 was a barbershop, so he was showing off his fade.

01:00:32.420 Oh.

01:00:32.760 That's what the next scene is.

01:00:33.780 So the first scene is him going, and then it cuts to him with his new haircut.

01:00:45.820 It was fun.

01:00:46.440 Gabe Davis did it.

01:00:47.960 Yeah.

01:00:48.460 Shout out to the boy, Gabriel.

01:00:51.160 But yeah, it is a nice thing to do.

01:00:52.500 It feels good.

01:00:53.380 What does?

01:00:53.860 Just doing that.

01:00:55.940 First touchdown of the game.

01:01:02.440 So you hit up Gabe Davis, and he says, okay, this is crazy, I'll do it.

01:01:06.300 How many times did you hit up Gabe Davis?

01:01:07.980 A lot.

01:01:08.540 Okay.

01:01:08.900 I talked to him a lot, but I didn't think he was actually ever going to do it.

01:01:13.240 Going to do it?

01:01:13.900 Yeah.

01:01:14.240 And you said, you got to do this, it'll be good.

01:01:16.260 Yeah, and he was like, yeah, I'll do it.

01:01:17.780 And I was like, I don't know, like I figured the adrenaline of scoring a touchdown would...

01:01:21.160 He'd forget.

01:01:21.800 ...take over, yeah.

01:01:23.020 Especially that, that was a nice play.

01:01:24.340 Yeah.

01:01:25.940 He remembered for me.

01:01:27.740 Wow.

01:01:28.420 What a sweet man.

01:01:29.520 Bro, how good did you feel when he did this strange hand?

01:01:32.860 Last year, I was so fucking happy.

01:01:35.280 I was so, I don't, it's probably the happiest I've been in a long time.

01:01:38.300 Oh, definitely.

01:01:38.720 I like jumped off my couch.

01:01:39.980 I was like, oh, Gabe did it.

01:01:42.240 Oh, you got to vomit on somebody's kid when that happens.

01:01:44.980 Yeah, there's no kids around.

01:01:45.900 I would have.

01:01:46.720 I almost went into the tunnels.

01:01:48.360 I was down there and puked in the tunnels.

01:01:51.440 Yeah.

01:01:51.900 Sprayed them out.

01:01:54.960 Yeah.

01:01:55.320 What the fuck were those guys doing in those tunnels?

01:01:58.960 It's New York, too.

01:02:00.220 Like, you don't need...

01:02:01.280 Everything's pretty close.

01:02:02.840 Probably just hunting square footage, dude, to be honest, bro.

01:02:05.820 That's the big thing.

01:02:07.980 Like, this could be another six square feet.

01:02:12.440 That's fucking crazy.

01:02:13.460 But that had to be unbelievable, dude.

01:02:15.120 I think there's just something crazy if you can have an influence on sports.

01:02:18.220 Because sports are such like this, like...

01:02:20.780 It just feels like such this...

01:02:22.400 I guess every man wants to do it.

01:02:24.520 Yeah.

01:02:25.320 You know, you give anything to be able to run and catch it.

01:02:28.100 Yeah.

01:02:28.540 You know?

01:02:29.420 And you just can't, you know?

01:02:30.900 Can't.

01:02:31.180 There's no part of me that can do it.

01:02:34.520 Yeah, I wonder how I'd get out of prison, probably.

01:02:38.160 First of all, I'd go in as a woman.

01:02:41.940 That's good.

01:02:42.640 People are like, you ain't no woman, bitch.

01:02:44.600 That's what somebody would say to me.

01:02:45.440 I was like...

01:02:46.220 What?

01:02:48.220 Fucking...

01:02:48.980 Chappelle did that.

01:02:49.940 Oh, you'd have to punch a woman right out the gate, right?

01:02:52.660 Chappelle does that.

01:02:54.120 He's like, I'm going to go to jail as a woman.

01:02:55.880 And he's like, first day.

01:02:56.960 I'm like, give me that fruit cup, bitch.

01:02:59.200 His act out of putting a fist up is so fucking funny.

01:03:03.620 But these days, you can't say, I guess, you're not a woman, you know?

01:03:06.460 Here's what I think they should do.

01:03:07.540 And I thought about this a lot.

01:03:09.540 Especially...

01:03:10.180 I don't understand why mixed martial arts doesn't start with a trans division.

01:03:18.220 Yeah, it'd be awesome.

01:03:21.460 Yeah, because it's like, then you can champion these trans fighters.

01:03:24.380 You can let them embrace and share what it's like.

01:03:27.280 Because otherwise, you're just kind of hodgepodge and a man.

01:03:30.220 Yeah.

01:03:30.520 You know?

01:03:31.240 And then it's a lot of dudes, if they really want to go play ball, they're going to have

01:03:34.220 to go play ball.

01:03:35.260 Yeah.

01:03:35.400 You can't just, you know, simp over to the woman's side.

01:03:38.480 Yeah.

01:03:39.040 You know?

01:03:40.100 And be fucking bringing your hair butt over there to the fucking ladies section.

01:03:44.700 You got to actually...

01:03:46.460 Like, if they had a trans division, I would pay...

01:03:48.660 I feel like I would pay $4 extra a month to see the trans bouts.

01:03:52.860 Yeah.

01:03:53.180 Or, you know, I feel like it would be...

01:03:54.980 It'd be unprecedented.

01:03:57.360 It'd be fun.

01:03:58.440 Yeah.

01:03:58.940 It is?

01:03:59.300 Yeah.

01:04:00.520 I like to see them in the women's sports.

01:04:03.140 You do?

01:04:03.940 Yeah.

01:04:04.800 Some man in there?

01:04:07.120 Yeah.

01:04:07.860 Just fucking shit up.

01:04:10.120 This is fucking great.

01:04:11.600 But here's what they should, though.

01:04:13.840 On the TV, it should every now and then to say, have an arrow say, this is a man.

01:04:18.040 They need to start doing, like, Monday Night Football intros for every female sport.

01:04:22.180 So you can tell.

01:04:22.980 Oh, I like that.

01:04:23.360 Yeah.

01:04:23.480 You know what I mean?

01:04:24.460 Yeah.

01:04:24.660 It's like, hi, I'm Mary.

01:04:25.620 I went to UCLA.

01:04:28.560 Frank!

01:04:29.520 Purdue!

01:04:35.160 Oh, yeah.

01:04:35.860 He's like, oh, that's the one there.

01:04:38.080 No wonder he's got 48 points in the first half.

01:04:40.460 Yeah.

01:04:41.280 He's like, Rick, Women's College of Design.

01:04:47.400 Wesleyan.

01:04:47.960 You're like, what?

01:04:50.100 That gal?

01:04:51.840 Yeah.

01:04:52.740 That is a hair butt.

01:04:54.500 That's a hair butt.

01:04:55.420 People don't talk about that.

01:04:56.640 Yeah.

01:04:57.140 Post-game showers with the...

01:04:58.560 God, see, that would be...

01:05:00.880 That is a reason I think I would go experiment with transing or whatever, because you get

01:05:06.440 to get in those showers, dude.

01:05:10.160 But I bet in some of the sports, it's...

01:05:12.620 It's not that rewarding, I'm sure, in some of the sports.

01:05:15.600 You know?

01:05:16.320 You think?

01:05:16.740 I think some of those female locker rooms, I wouldn't be too excited as much.

01:05:21.400 Like, if I got into, like, college volleyball, if I could trick my way into that, that'd be

01:05:26.280 a good shower.

01:05:27.340 For them.

01:05:28.000 I mean, for me, it would be...

01:05:28.840 That's literally a nightmare.

01:05:30.800 Me fucking naked in front of a college volleyball team is a nightmare.

01:05:34.460 You'd have to...

01:05:35.120 That'd be so embarrassed, dude.

01:05:36.680 But you'd have to get your breast pierced, probably, to, like, at least blend, you know,

01:05:40.160 because some of the chicks are tough nowadays, and then you'd probably have to draw on a

01:05:44.000 little more tit or use, like, a shadowing cream.

01:05:46.100 I think the tit side, I'd be okay.

01:05:48.000 Yeah?

01:05:48.140 But having just a tiny cock in there would probably, you know...

01:05:53.180 Call it a long pussy.

01:05:55.800 Now we're talking.

01:05:57.140 And they're women.

01:05:57.900 You could trick them.

01:05:58.640 Yeah.

01:05:59.140 They'd be like, oh, I guess he has a long pussy.

01:06:02.200 Yeah, well, people have been tricking him for a year.

01:06:04.140 That's what's crazy.

01:06:04.520 I mean, that's easy to fucking...

01:06:05.720 Yeah.

01:06:06.420 It's like Amelia Earhart's husband.

01:06:07.880 He bought her that plane.

01:06:08.780 Do you know that?

01:06:09.360 No.

01:06:10.820 He bought the plane?

01:06:11.800 A lot of people don't know that.

01:06:13.860 So.

01:06:14.740 Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

01:06:16.100 What are we doing here?

01:06:19.900 Oh, man.

01:06:20.600 What else can we talk about, dude?

01:06:22.000 Anything else in the news, Zach?

01:06:24.860 Yeah, you were talking about this earlier.

01:06:26.660 You've brought this up before.

01:06:28.660 Consumer Reports found widespread presence of plastics in food.

01:06:32.820 Oh, yeah.

01:06:34.040 Well, dude, that's what they said.

01:06:35.560 You know, they had that article, and we've talked about this before.

01:06:37.520 This says, the nonprofit consumer group said on Thursday that 84 out of 85 supermarket foods and fast foods that recently tested contained plasticizers known as...

01:06:50.000 Thalates.

01:06:51.580 Thalates.

01:06:52.120 Thalates.

01:06:52.680 A chemical used to make plastic more durable.

01:06:54.820 I've heard thalates a lot lately.

01:06:56.540 Yeah.

01:06:56.700 Or however you fucking say it.

01:06:58.460 Thalates.

01:06:59.020 Yeah, I've heard people saying it a lot.

01:07:00.500 But, yeah.

01:07:01.480 I never understood what it was.

01:07:02.660 Well, this is one of the issues that say...

01:07:04.660 It says,

01:07:05.800 Thalates and bisphenols can disrupt the production and regulation of estrogen and other hormones, potentially boosting the risk of birth defects, cancer, diabetes, infertility, neurodevelopment disorders, obesity, and other health problems.

01:07:26.380 The bastards got me, dude.

01:07:31.000 They're not too many thalates.

01:07:32.460 They got it, dude.

01:07:33.960 No wonder they're running off through the tunnels, dude.

01:07:36.040 They got us, bro.

01:07:38.180 It's over.

01:07:39.140 Bro, but that's...

01:07:39.960 When you think about this, right?

01:07:42.240 That the stuff that we're eating, and if there's so much contamination just, like, in the land, in the water, that's what's making, like, people sick.

01:07:51.340 Like, um, what else?

01:07:53.680 ADHD, uh, genetic disorders, all kinds of stuff.

01:07:59.300 Like, Bobby Kennedy talks about that.

01:08:00.840 Yeah.

01:08:01.120 About how many things are linked to it, you know?

01:08:02.500 Yeah.

01:08:02.820 That he thinks, anyway.

01:08:03.740 We might have got in under the buzzer.

01:08:05.640 You and me, we were the last.

01:08:07.500 Close.

01:08:07.760 Now all the kids have it.

01:08:09.600 Oh, dude.

01:08:10.260 We were right on the board.

01:08:10.920 I think we both got something, but not the whole thing.

01:08:13.960 Everybody you meet has an autistic child now.

01:08:16.320 Yeah.

01:08:17.080 It's unbelievable.

01:08:17.980 Yeah.

01:08:18.180 You know, it's almost, um, you know, and people have nicknames.

01:08:22.840 Here's our, this is our little ring cam, they call them or something, you know?

01:08:25.760 Like, because a lot of them are really, like, perceptive, you know, but they don't really say much.

01:08:30.460 Um, yeah.

01:08:32.400 That's unbelievable.

01:08:33.560 But that's why I wanted to come out.

01:08:34.740 Sometimes I think about, what if we made, like, a product or something that we knew wouldn't have that in it?

01:08:39.940 Like, what if we just said, hey, we want to sell you this water.

01:08:43.040 Yeah.

01:08:43.300 And we promise.

01:08:45.260 Your kid will not have autism.

01:08:48.900 We promise.

01:08:50.340 Autism free water.

01:08:51.760 Because as a country, we would like to say, at the very least, you deserve to have autism free water.

01:09:00.580 Now we're talking.

01:09:02.100 Now that's a business.

01:09:03.180 Although I do think we are going to need autistic kids.

01:09:07.340 Oh, yeah.

01:09:07.940 You know what I mean?

01:09:08.300 Yeah.

01:09:08.580 When the future is all just technology and we're going to cyber war with fucking China, we're going to want those guys.

01:09:14.760 Yeah.

01:09:15.140 We're going to need them.

01:09:16.500 Yeah.

01:09:16.760 You know what I mean?

01:09:17.180 Oh, definitely.

01:09:19.740 Yeah.

01:09:20.100 I think, well, a lot of the business is now run by, like, people that some people say could have some autism.

01:09:26.460 You know, a lot of, there's a lot of speculation that Jeff Bezos has it.

01:09:29.660 Zuckerberg, Bezos, Musk.

01:09:31.720 Zuckerberg, definitely.

01:09:32.760 Yeah.

01:09:33.760 Musk.

01:09:34.240 Yeah.

01:09:35.640 Certainly seems like he has some.

01:09:37.720 Who else, dude?

01:09:39.360 Dennis Allen that coaches the Saints.

01:09:41.440 Yeah.

01:09:41.580 Um, who else?

01:09:45.680 I'm not sure.

01:09:46.500 That's pretty good.

01:09:47.300 Fucking Eric Adams has got it.

01:09:48.800 Oh, Eric Adams has got it.

01:09:50.260 He's got something.

01:09:52.640 Oh, that guy definitely got it.

01:09:55.240 Oh, you, look, peep through your child's Lunchable.

01:09:58.400 Oh, you think that's just a small stack of ham?

01:10:01.700 No, look under there.

01:10:03.040 That's a gram of methamphetamines.

01:10:05.360 You're like, damn, Eric.

01:10:06.700 It's a party in that kid's room.

01:10:09.620 Every time.

01:10:10.500 That kid is fucking running a raid.

01:10:12.720 That kid lives in Las Vegas, dude.

01:10:16.940 Do you think about moving back from here?

01:10:18.520 Do you think you're settled in?

01:10:19.400 You're good?

01:10:20.420 I don't know.

01:10:21.100 I don't think I'll live here forever.

01:10:22.800 But, yeah.

01:10:23.660 I like it here.

01:10:25.080 Yeah.

01:10:25.680 What?

01:10:26.400 That's just a big.

01:10:27.180 I don't, yeah.

01:10:27.880 I don't know.

01:10:30.020 I'll probably move home to, like, outside of Philly.

01:10:33.540 Wow.

01:10:34.080 Yeah.

01:10:34.800 Eventually.

01:10:35.480 Yeah.

01:10:35.900 Yeah, I like it up there.

01:10:37.240 The brotherly city, huh?

01:10:38.640 Mm-hmm.

01:10:39.480 The city of brotherly.

01:10:42.560 It depends, yeah.

01:10:43.500 It depends how shitty things are in the next 10 years.

01:10:46.220 Yeah, what do you think the next 10 years of life is like in America?

01:10:49.980 Do you think it gets bad?

01:10:51.080 I don't know.

01:10:51.720 The bums.

01:10:53.820 Somebody's got to fix this problem.

01:10:55.740 I don't know what it is.

01:10:56.600 Which problem?

01:10:57.120 The bums, dude.

01:10:58.380 Oh, the bums.

01:10:58.940 There's a lot of bums.

01:11:00.240 Yeah.

01:11:00.720 I say arm them.

01:11:02.560 That's where I'm at.

01:11:03.600 Okay.

01:11:04.140 Yeah.

01:11:04.300 And send them all towards the big, like, businesses.

01:11:08.180 That's what I would do.

01:11:09.080 Oh.

01:11:11.660 Is that crazy?

01:11:12.500 That's messed up.

01:11:13.020 No, no, no.

01:11:13.620 Give them guns.

01:11:14.240 Tell them.

01:11:15.180 Not guns.

01:11:16.020 I wouldn't say.

01:11:16.700 Oh, well, even worse.

01:11:17.840 Like machetes and shit?

01:11:19.180 No.

01:11:19.840 What type of arms?

01:11:21.760 Something.

01:11:22.300 If they're well-behaved, it turns into a weapon.

01:11:24.300 So, like, yeah, like a bow staff that has maybe a blade on the end, but they have to put both

01:11:30.860 hands on it, and it can tell if you're being good or not.

01:11:33.020 You can test your heart rate.

01:11:33.840 Yeah.

01:11:34.380 If it's too high, you're not getting it.

01:11:36.460 Yeah, yeah, no.

01:11:37.800 You need low heart rate.

01:11:39.680 Yeah.

01:11:40.760 Warriors, first of all.

01:11:41.820 I don't like using the term bums, okay?

01:11:45.120 I like using the term boots on the ground.

01:11:49.620 Those are boots on the ground.

01:11:50.900 Heroes of society and stepdads.

01:11:54.920 Yes.

01:11:55.900 So you're talking giving Ninja Turtle weapons to homeless guys to see what happens.

01:12:00.720 Oh, I'm talking give them the fucking, the Donatello eye, the eye, what's it called?

01:12:07.100 A rag for your eyes, like a thing that holds your eyes in, but it doesn't.

01:12:10.780 It's like a.

01:12:11.260 Zorro mask.

01:12:11.640 Yeah, Zorro mask.

01:12:13.560 That would be good.

01:12:15.560 And lead them.

01:12:16.220 They're going to need leaders.

01:12:17.800 You could do it.

01:12:18.780 You think I could lead the bums?

01:12:20.240 Yeah.

01:12:20.740 Get you a horse?

01:12:22.200 A horse would be big.

01:12:23.120 They would respect a horse.

01:12:24.200 They're like fucking the Aztecs.

01:12:25.880 You know what I mean?

01:12:26.720 Just a guy on a horse.

01:12:27.920 They'd be like, this guy, he's a god.

01:12:30.780 Somebody rolls up on a horse.

01:12:32.100 Yeah, definitely.

01:12:33.480 Yeah, I'm just trying.

01:12:34.000 They are impervious to a lot of fucking damage.

01:12:36.100 Horses?

01:12:36.580 No, the, well, horses.

01:12:38.200 Homeless people?

01:12:38.740 Homeless people, yeah.

01:12:39.500 They get fucking walk-through tasers.

01:12:41.740 Well, they've been infected by so much.

01:12:43.280 They've battled so many things.

01:12:44.440 We got tased after a show in Shreveport.

01:12:47.720 And here's the crazy part.

01:12:49.620 I started doing comedy in Louisiana, and so we go to some down in Shreveport, and afterwards,

01:12:54.560 this was 15 years ago, they'd say, hey, man, we'll tase you if you want.

01:12:58.340 You know, the cops would come up and tase people in the bar because there's not a lot

01:13:02.660 of, like, nightlife.

01:13:04.140 Yeah.

01:13:04.940 So here I am 15 years later, show's over.

01:13:09.280 We're sitting around with a couple of officers, and one of them goes, with a couple of off-duty

01:13:15.340 police people.

01:13:16.380 Yeah.

01:13:17.620 And one of them goes, hey, man, we'll tase you if you want.

01:13:19.920 And I was like, no fucking way.

01:13:21.600 You guys are still doing that shit.

01:13:23.700 And they lit us all up.

01:13:24.920 We got together as a group in locked arms or whatever.

01:13:27.120 Oh, nice.

01:13:27.460 Like a Harvey Milk kind of thing.

01:13:28.900 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:29.440 And then they lit us up.

01:13:32.980 How'd it feel?

01:13:33.540 Did it hurt?

01:13:34.160 You know, it's not as bad as you would think.

01:13:36.100 Really?

01:13:36.320 At all.

01:13:37.100 At all.

01:13:37.600 It's definitely a little bit of a surprise, you know?

01:13:40.060 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:41.020 See, I feel weird.

01:13:42.140 It feels like somebody in the fucking, like, Great Beyond pressed a fucking doorbell that

01:13:46.820 you didn't know was connected to you.

01:13:50.540 You know?

01:13:51.040 Yeah.

01:13:51.600 It's actually really, yeah.

01:13:54.440 But the pain is, it's not as painful.

01:13:56.240 It's just as surprising as could be.

01:13:59.420 It's, like, extremely surprising.

01:14:00.940 They can go through the tasers.

01:14:02.920 They can go through a lot.

01:14:03.920 Well, they're immune to a lot of disease.

01:14:05.200 Yeah.

01:14:05.600 Well, at a certain point, that would be a lot of society, too, is, you know, we'd all

01:14:09.140 be out there just, I don't know.

01:14:14.460 We wouldn't be, you'd be immune to all the things because you are still alive on the streets.

01:14:20.940 Yeah.

01:14:21.120 And you'd want to probably strike back against the rich.

01:14:27.060 Where do, when we do this, okay, where do we meet up?

01:14:33.180 That's a question I want to know.

01:14:35.100 And that's a big question.

01:14:36.140 I'm trying to think of good, there's good cities for this.

01:14:40.520 Austin's a very good city.

01:14:41.640 Where do you meet up for the revolution?

01:14:44.800 The mothership, dude.

01:14:46.340 Sixth Street.

01:14:47.900 That's perfect, dude.

01:14:50.360 Bro, half of our military would overdose.

01:14:54.320 I know.

01:14:54.860 Okay?

01:14:56.000 On fucking fireball, right?

01:14:58.920 Before we even made it to the first 5G tower, okay?

01:15:04.100 Yeah.

01:15:04.560 We're going to, there's going to be some attrition.

01:15:06.420 There's going to be some guys going AWOL.

01:15:08.500 It's going to be tough keeping the troops together.

01:15:10.620 Dude, I wouldn't call a guy who wants to sing karaoke all night.

01:15:14.300 Somebody going.

01:15:14.780 We're going to Sixth Street.

01:15:15.920 We're taking that out.

01:15:17.400 The bum's rising up on Sixth.

01:15:18.880 Okay.

01:15:19.240 Now that, if we take Sixth Street out, that would be, now that I like.

01:15:22.620 Yeah.

01:15:22.860 And you're going to recruit a lot of, a lot of talented young people.

01:15:28.800 You could probably get, you know, some of the Texas Longhorns, maybe.

01:15:32.900 Oh, that'd be good.

01:15:33.680 Yeah.

01:15:34.160 Quinn Ewers, he's staying another year.

01:15:35.600 He'd join, probably.

01:15:37.920 I thought we were just recruiting homeless people.

01:15:40.880 But I think other people are going to get jealous.

01:15:42.560 When they start to see you doing well, they're like, ah, fuck, I'll do it.

01:15:45.980 The masks and the swords and shit.

01:15:47.420 Yeah, because Sig Ep is going to be nothing against a fucking homeless battalion.

01:15:52.080 Oh.

01:15:52.240 Oh.

01:15:53.380 Okay.

01:15:55.640 Sig Ep might be number one.

01:15:57.180 Bro, bro.

01:15:57.640 We might go down frat row and just.

01:15:59.520 Yeah, dude.

01:16:00.340 I don't want the boys getting into a sorority.

01:16:02.180 I will say no sorority.

01:16:03.480 I'll command them.

01:16:04.180 I'll say, leave the queens alone.

01:16:06.040 Yeah, leave the women alone.

01:16:06.960 Leave our white queens alone.

01:16:07.420 Isn't it?

01:16:08.040 Now, if you want to get into some of these young fellas.

01:16:10.660 Rock these boys, dude.

01:16:11.780 And that's up to you, dude.

01:16:16.020 If you want to get into some fucking Sigma Alpha Epstein over here and see what these

01:16:20.960 fellas are doing.

01:16:21.800 That's, yeah, that's, the bomb army is going to be tough to control, dude.

01:16:27.620 But I don't think control is the one to turn.

01:16:30.240 I know, but they're going to get, they're going to get loose, dude.

01:16:32.320 They're going to fucking, every victory, they're going to rape everybody, dude.

01:16:35.780 They're going to fucking turn on each other right away.

01:16:43.320 No, they won't, Shane.

01:16:44.380 Yes, they will, dude.

01:16:45.900 No, they won't.

01:16:46.980 I've seen them support each other.

01:16:49.700 I've seen, I saw a bum, like living in a sofa, like in the cushion, in the bottom part.

01:16:57.560 And I saw a guy come and tuck him into bed one night in the park near my house.

01:17:02.680 You don't see that in America anymore.

01:17:04.500 Dude, they had some bums by us and because we live right by a park and they stole a bunch

01:17:10.120 of high school music equipment, I guess.

01:17:13.280 So all night they'd be in the fucking park.

01:17:15.980 I guess someone stole the sheet music too, right?

01:17:18.920 That's so nice.

01:17:20.000 It's 3 a.m. and you hear somebody on a flute just playing.

01:17:22.520 It's like, um, love the way you lie by like Eminem and Rihanna.

01:17:31.240 And people were like, shut the fuck up.

01:17:33.980 That's a, that's a jam sesh.

01:17:36.400 Love the way you lie.

01:17:38.300 And the marching band.

01:17:40.780 It's a good night.

01:17:42.680 It's fucking sick.

01:17:44.180 But so, dude, so the first, what do you, so, okay, so you say you meet up at the comedy

01:17:48.140 mothership?

01:17:49.300 I'm saying it, yeah, I think that's a good location.

01:17:52.100 Okay, that's one group.

01:17:52.840 Somewhere on 6th Street.

01:17:53.840 Okay, that's fair.

01:17:54.700 You can get a battalion there.

01:17:55.760 You can't say some, you have to have a location.

01:17:58.360 You can't have fucking, you can't have homeless or semi-homeless people storming a fucking,

01:18:04.680 Oh, you're talking about first battle?

01:18:06.080 Ice cream or something.

01:18:06.960 I thought we were just meeting.

01:18:08.100 I think it would be a good test to try to get the mothership because then you got Rogan

01:18:12.080 in there.

01:18:12.560 Okay.

01:18:13.020 You got his team of security.

01:18:15.680 Yeah, you'd have Joey Diaz, probably would be the chef.

01:18:18.280 You got to test your fucking might against them.

01:18:20.960 What do you mean?

01:18:21.500 It's a good first battle.

01:18:22.280 Against who?

01:18:22.760 The local police?

01:18:23.260 I'm saying send the bums into the mothership and see who wins.

01:18:26.360 It's a good test, dude.

01:18:29.540 Hold on, Dave.

01:18:30.300 We're never going to work there again.

01:18:33.480 This is not a good choice, dude.

01:18:35.400 All right, all right.

01:18:35.760 Not the mothership.

01:18:36.540 Yeah, yeah.

01:18:37.100 No, I think you can meet up.

01:18:37.960 I will lead.

01:18:38.360 I'm trying to think.

01:18:39.200 Where would you lead your bum army?

01:18:40.460 You can meet up out front of it.

01:18:41.580 Well, I think you have to pick like five or six places in the Americas to meet up.

01:18:45.200 So I think you're going to have for sure.

01:18:48.380 K&A in Philadelphia.

01:18:50.200 That's the street.

01:18:51.120 It is?

01:18:51.680 Yeah.

01:18:52.320 K&A in Philly.

01:18:53.020 Yeah, Kensington.

01:18:54.460 Kensington and what?

01:18:56.300 Allegheny.

01:18:56.880 And Allegheny, yeah.

01:18:57.700 You get them in there.

01:18:59.100 Bro, crossing the Allegheny.

01:19:00.140 That goes all the way back to the 1912, dude.

01:19:02.560 Yeah.

01:19:03.400 Or whenever, sometime around then.

01:19:05.080 Crossing the, yeah, the Delaware.

01:19:07.700 Okay.

01:19:08.280 This is the army.

01:19:09.040 They're fucking, they're encamped right now.

01:19:10.820 Oh, hell yeah.

01:19:11.580 And it says no one deserves what's brewing in Kensington.

01:19:14.720 Now, the tough part is to keep your army excited, you are going to need over-the-counter

01:19:21.020 meds probably.

01:19:22.020 Yeah.

01:19:23.020 Or under-the-counter.

01:19:23.980 I don't know which one it is.

01:19:25.020 I think, I think they're getting over.

01:19:26.980 Okay.

01:19:27.540 I think over-the-counter led them there.

01:19:29.300 But it's crazy that the people who are, because society has led people to believe, you know,

01:19:34.780 be in this space, you know?

01:19:36.460 I mean, I think, you know, even just that, that family that did all, sold all the drugs,

01:19:42.460 whatever, the opioids.

01:19:43.460 Sacklers.

01:19:44.020 Yeah.

01:19:44.260 You have the Sackler family who killed hundreds of thousands of people to have pills.

01:19:47.180 That's the first place you have to attack.

01:19:48.980 The Sacklers?

01:19:50.140 Yeah.

01:19:53.140 Right?

01:19:53.960 Yeah, they kind of...

01:19:55.020 They don't deserve to be alive, really, do they?

01:19:58.360 I mean, no.

01:20:00.300 Yeah, I think it'd be a fair thing to say you don't think they deserve...

01:20:05.140 If you had to say no one, if you had to pick someone who didn't deserve to be alive, they're

01:20:09.380 up there.

01:20:10.460 Yeah.

01:20:10.780 It's top.

01:20:11.340 So you got to go get them first.

01:20:12.560 Now, once you get them, you're going to have a lot more people are going to join the army.

01:20:16.400 For sure.

01:20:17.420 So, okay.

01:20:18.160 So we meet up in Austin.

01:20:19.180 What other places?

01:20:19.920 Buffalo would be good.

01:20:22.040 Those are some sturdy ones.

01:20:23.380 Oh, yeah.

01:20:23.940 Buffalo, you get those...

01:20:24.840 They can survive that winter.

01:20:25.460 And you get those people that do the thing where they throw the baby into the pizza oven

01:20:28.900 or whatever.

01:20:29.320 Who's that family?

01:20:31.720 What?

01:20:32.040 You know what I'm talking about in the parking lot?

01:20:33.840 No.

01:20:34.820 They're like crisp and crisp in them or whatever it's called.

01:20:38.560 It's like they put that...

01:20:40.220 Who's the family that makes the pizza?

01:20:45.040 Can you look it up?

01:20:47.680 Google that.

01:20:48.520 And they got the burn-ins on the four-year-old or whatever out there?

01:20:51.500 They made a baby?

01:20:52.320 They burnt a baby?

01:20:53.280 They put the fucking sauce on his back or whatever?

01:20:56.020 Who is it?

01:20:57.300 It's a family of whites.

01:20:59.620 They're famous up there.

01:21:00.420 Who is it?

01:21:02.440 Oh, come on.

01:21:03.700 It's a Pete?

01:21:04.160 Is this who you're talking about?

01:21:05.020 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:05.380 What's his last name?

01:21:06.020 Oh, Pinto Tailgate.

01:21:07.440 That's what I'm talking about.

01:21:08.500 Wait, what are you talking about?

01:21:09.820 Pinto Tailgate, man.

01:21:11.400 These motherfuckers.

01:21:12.660 They're...

01:21:12.740 Oh.

01:21:16.160 So you're telling me they're going to burn a kid?

01:21:20.520 They don't burn.

01:21:21.100 They fucking just...

01:21:22.200 When it's kind of...

01:21:23.000 When it's not as hot, when it's still warm, they fucking...

01:21:25.960 Put some sauce on you?

01:21:27.220 There's a big...

01:21:27.820 Oh, they're christened a kid with pizza sauce?

01:21:30.300 Yeah.

01:21:30.500 Oh, that's nice.

01:21:31.220 Yeah, it's Pinto Tailgate, man.

01:21:32.800 Beautiful what they're doing up there.

01:21:34.000 So you've got to meet here.

01:21:35.020 So that's one place.

01:21:35.780 Where else do you meet, you think?

01:21:38.500 That's enough, maybe.

01:21:39.560 That is.

01:21:39.960 Maybe it's enough information for now.

01:21:41.760 Yeah, my bad on saying we should send the bums in to the mothership.

01:21:48.960 No, I think, look...

01:21:49.940 That'd be a tough one to get in.

01:21:50.940 That's what I'm saying.

01:21:51.520 There's a lot of security there.

01:21:52.620 Oh, that's a good point.

01:21:53.380 That's what I'm saying.

01:21:53.800 It's a good first round.

01:21:55.400 You know what I mean?

01:21:55.940 Week one.

01:21:56.480 Yeah, I support it, actually.

01:21:57.540 I said we send...

01:21:58.240 Yeah.

01:21:58.640 You dispatch a unit.

01:22:00.080 See how they do.

01:22:01.000 Yeah.

01:22:01.880 And then we test to see...

01:22:03.160 Say, that's like the final boss.

01:22:04.460 Let's see how we can do against some crack security and guys with guns.

01:22:08.760 Oh, yeah.

01:22:09.320 You never...

01:22:09.800 Yeah.

01:22:10.360 You're never going to be able to beat fucking Little Debbie or fucking Nextel or any of these.

01:22:14.760 Do you feel like we could really end up in our lifetime as heading to a revolution or some sort of a place where it all topples over, you know?

01:22:34.080 Because all it takes is really...

01:22:35.480 I've thought about this.

01:22:36.140 All it takes is a police...

01:22:37.360 Like, a couple of people, like, at a police...

01:22:39.900 Like, police stations...

01:22:41.120 All it takes is a couple of people to be like, hey, I'm not going to follow the rules anymore.

01:22:45.880 Yeah.

01:22:46.520 And once they...

01:22:47.100 And then other people are like, well, I'm not going to.

01:22:48.300 If this guy's...

01:22:48.700 And then it's just nobody's...

01:22:49.880 Because we're kind of getting there, it feels like, you know?

01:22:52.920 I feel like kind of people just kind of...

01:22:55.420 Or like, if nobody's going to follow the rules, then why do...

01:22:57.920 Everybody's kind of getting there, it feels like, sometimes.

01:23:00.300 Maybe I'm wrong.

01:23:02.600 You know, maybe I'm just making exciting for the conversation.

01:23:05.400 I don't know.

01:23:05.860 Yeah, I don't know how wrong you are.

01:23:07.520 People are out there not following rules.

01:23:09.560 Yeah.

01:23:10.080 Yeah.

01:23:10.980 I don't know if that's going to start a revolution, but...

01:23:13.880 But at a certain point, if enough people say, okay, I'm not going to drive within the lines, right?

01:23:18.700 Yeah.

01:23:19.000 I'm not going to follow the speed limit.

01:23:20.180 It's almost just like that.

01:23:21.380 Like, every now and then, like...

01:23:22.300 But that has immediate consequences for whoever's doing it.

01:23:25.540 They're going to crash.

01:23:27.200 Usually.

01:23:28.120 You know?

01:23:28.640 But if enough people are like, well, fuck it.

01:23:30.420 I'm not waiting because there's an emergency up there.

01:23:32.500 I'm not going to wait for an hour.

01:23:34.000 I'm just going to go do what I want.

01:23:34.940 But it's just that whole...

01:23:36.140 That attitude.

01:23:36.880 If I'm just going to do...

01:23:37.660 Sure.

01:23:37.920 And then it's...

01:23:38.400 Other countries do that.

01:23:39.520 Yeah.

01:23:40.140 Haiti.

01:23:40.660 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:23:41.600 You go in there, the traffic jams and shit there.

01:23:43.600 Like in India.

01:23:44.760 You know?

01:23:45.380 You ever watch that?

01:23:46.220 Oh, they just do...

01:23:46.920 Yeah.

01:23:47.100 People...

01:23:47.420 Yeah.

01:23:47.560 And they're doing all right.

01:23:50.540 You just wonder what's going to happen, you know?

01:23:52.480 Yeah.

01:23:55.280 What else can we talk about?

01:23:56.720 We talked about a lot.

01:23:58.340 I feel like if we...

01:23:59.460 What's going on with you?

01:24:00.900 What's going on with me, man?

01:24:02.720 Not too much, dude.

01:24:04.800 What's going on?

01:24:08.180 Yeah, thinking about touring and just how to do it, you know?

01:24:10.700 Yeah.

01:24:10.940 That's been something.

01:24:12.580 I was thinking about...

01:24:14.380 Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

01:24:19.340 I've been thinking about that a lot.

01:24:21.260 Like, do I want to go spin...

01:24:22.860 Like, some people do a big tour, you know?

01:24:25.760 And I like...

01:24:27.000 And they go to the big cities and stuff like that.

01:24:28.660 But I would almost rather do like a three-year tour and go as I want.

01:24:32.540 That's kind of what I'm doing, yeah.

01:24:33.760 And just make it as you want to do it.

01:24:36.020 Yeah.

01:24:36.280 It just feels like more manageable to me.

01:24:39.360 And, yeah.

01:24:41.380 So, I think I've been thinking about that.

01:24:45.920 What else?

01:24:46.500 I've been thinking about building like a halfway house or something like that.

01:24:49.640 That'd be nice.

01:24:50.260 Yeah, it'd be pretty cool.

01:24:51.100 Yeah.

01:24:51.600 And then those people could be in the military.

01:24:54.340 Those are our officers, dude.

01:24:55.700 Yeah, they are.

01:24:56.740 That's our officer training school.

01:25:01.660 Yeah, dude.

01:25:02.440 Definitely.

01:25:02.800 So, I mean, honestly, that's something I've been thinking a lot about.

01:25:05.640 What else on a personal, like on a personal side?

01:25:08.700 Not much, dude.

01:25:10.280 I'm supposed to go to ayahuasca.

01:25:12.180 Really?

01:25:12.700 Yeah.

01:25:13.060 In a couple days.

01:25:15.000 In a couple days?

01:25:15.980 Are you going to South America?

01:25:17.500 Where are you going?

01:25:18.080 No.

01:25:18.480 Staying home?

01:25:19.000 It's right off.

01:25:20.200 It's right.

01:25:20.680 It's like right off the interstate in LA.

01:25:23.660 They're doing ayahuasca?

01:25:24.940 Oh, you can smell that.

01:25:25.820 Yeah.

01:25:26.020 I mean, there's a pawpaw.

01:25:26.800 It's like fucking probably, no joke, 600 yards away.

01:25:29.480 Oh, that's got to be so nice.

01:25:30.820 Well, twice a day, I guess, they do the biscuit bakes or whatever.

01:25:33.420 High as shit, smelling that.

01:25:34.680 Oh, no, it's not.

01:25:36.340 You're not like, it's not fun high.

01:25:38.340 I've heard, yeah.

01:25:39.160 What's, have you done it before?

01:25:40.360 It's like God is crawling in and out of your wieners.

01:25:42.320 Like, it's just a lot.

01:25:43.400 It feels like a lot.

01:25:44.340 It feels like you're just like in therapy for like two, like, like what does it feel like?

01:25:50.440 You know, like you say if somebody was playing basketball, you were playing basketball in

01:25:52.740 an attic of a house, right?

01:25:54.780 It would feel kind of weird maybe because you're like.

01:25:56.640 Yeah.

01:25:56.880 Like the floor feels like, oh, it's a, but if this feels like you're playing like basketball,

01:26:02.440 like in the, like in a, like on the first level, like it's just like, that doesn't make

01:26:06.860 any sense, but it feels like, um, I don't know.

01:26:11.000 It's just intense.

01:26:11.700 You've done it.

01:26:12.540 Yeah.

01:26:12.920 And it, did you feel like it went well when you got done?

01:26:16.140 Yeah.

01:26:16.600 It's just crazy.

01:26:17.460 Yeah.

01:26:17.800 I mean, it's like God shows up and you're fucking sitting there with him, you know,

01:26:20.700 but it feels really real.

01:26:23.020 It's not like you're fucked up, but you know, let me see that, you know, I took like a fucking

01:26:27.700 ton of mushrooms once and not that that's the same as ayahuasca, but I did reach the

01:26:31.540 fucking like, I'm not here anymore.

01:26:33.600 I'm seeing, I'm just fully seeing things.

01:26:35.720 Yeah.

01:26:36.140 Yeah.

01:26:36.920 Yeah.

01:26:37.400 I didn't, I came out of it.

01:26:38.560 I was like, I'm going to be better.

01:26:41.740 And then I fucking wore off.

01:26:43.140 I'm back.

01:26:44.080 Yeah.

01:26:44.400 The exact same guy.

01:26:45.720 So that's the thing.

01:26:46.660 I think I wanted to see.

01:26:47.780 Yeah.

01:26:48.140 I just wanted to wear off.

01:26:49.040 It's been like a year and a half since I did it.

01:26:50.700 Yeah.

01:26:51.360 So I've been thinking about that.

01:26:55.780 Yeah.

01:26:56.160 So what I'm cool.

01:26:56.900 Yeah.

01:26:57.040 I've been thinking about that.

01:26:57.920 I don't know.

01:26:58.300 Sometimes I think about maybe moving or getting a also living somewhere else.

01:27:02.540 I think it's fun to spend time down here.

01:27:04.040 Austin is cool.

01:27:04.680 Austin's fun.

01:27:05.160 You can do standup.

01:27:06.480 It's a beautiful city.

01:27:07.560 Yeah.

01:27:08.320 It's just like city.

01:27:09.080 It's a fun city.

01:27:09.900 Yeah.

01:27:10.040 There's a lot of neat stuff.

01:27:11.320 Yeah.

01:27:11.700 There's a lot of neat stuff, I think.

01:27:13.620 So that's been pretty cool.

01:27:15.540 Just thinking about it, you know, even just coming to see in like your house.

01:27:18.200 It's like, oh, okay.

01:27:19.100 This is what it would be like to live here.

01:27:20.540 This seems like I could do this, you know?

01:27:25.300 What else, man?

01:27:27.400 I don't know.

01:27:30.020 I don't know.

01:27:31.020 I think it's just, yeah, thinking about like who would be fun to talk to on podcasts.

01:27:36.340 Stuff like that.

01:27:37.100 Just the normal stuff.

01:27:38.120 Yeah.

01:27:38.800 Yeah.

01:27:39.920 I'm not doing anything.

01:27:41.700 I don't know how to answer that either.

01:27:43.440 It's tough.

01:27:44.280 Who would be fun to talk to?

01:27:45.420 No.

01:27:45.680 I mean, just like what's going on.

01:27:47.360 Yeah.

01:27:47.780 I don't know.

01:27:49.060 I don't know.

01:27:49.640 Anything you can think of, Zach, that you notice from an outsider's perspective?

01:27:53.440 About you?

01:27:54.240 Yeah.

01:27:54.480 Sometimes I'm just so in my own life, you know, you don't know what's going on.

01:27:59.600 We're trying to get new interesting guests for the pod.

01:28:02.280 Yeah.

01:28:02.600 We're trying to get a carnival worker.

01:28:03.840 Yeah.

01:28:04.020 We're trying to get a carny.

01:28:05.180 We thought about Gypsy Rose.

01:28:07.060 I've heard a lot about Gypsy.

01:28:08.260 What did Gypsy Rose do?

01:28:10.400 She convinced, she got a boyfriend to kill her mother, like arranged it.

01:28:15.520 Yeah.

01:28:15.720 And it's not funny, dude.

01:28:16.700 I'm talking to myself because I just laughed.

01:28:18.740 But yeah, she and her boyfriend killed the mom.

01:28:23.860 Because the mom made her pretend that she was like mentally challenged and stuff in a wheelchair

01:28:27.600 and physically handicapped.

01:28:28.580 The mom had Munchausen by proxy, so it was tricking her into thinking she was sick and

01:28:32.440 had all these ailments.

01:28:33.580 I think I've heard of this from a long time ago.

01:28:37.500 Yeah, there's like a TV series about it.

01:28:39.380 There's been a lot of information about it.

01:28:40.820 But she's also from Louisiana, so I was like, I wonder if it'd be interesting to talk with

01:28:43.980 her and just see like what her life has been like.

01:28:49.960 But I know she did another podcast and I don't know.

01:28:53.740 If it's, you know, stuff like that's supposed to happen, then it'll just happen.

01:28:56.820 And that's the mom and she just kept making, she just.

01:28:59.480 Yeah, she made her pretend she was in a wheelchair and dress up like a little clown and stuff

01:29:03.220 like that.

01:29:05.640 It feels like self-defense at that point.

01:29:07.980 Yeah, I think that's what they, yeah.

01:29:09.080 And her boyfriend, I think she like met a guy somewhere in his name.

01:29:14.380 Yeah.

01:29:14.760 And they made love somewhere too.

01:29:17.500 He's still in jail.

01:29:18.560 This guy's still in jail.

01:29:19.400 Yeah, that guy should be in jail.

01:29:20.940 He should.

01:29:22.300 He should be in jail.

01:29:23.480 He looks like he's growing, he's growing his beard out just so he can eat it.

01:29:29.360 That's the kind of look that he has.

01:29:32.440 So yeah, anyway, yeah, that's, that, that's her.

01:29:35.400 But we try to get a carnival worker.

01:29:37.400 And what problem did we run into?

01:29:39.980 The issue we're running into with carnies is that a lot of.

01:29:42.520 Working, baby.

01:29:43.160 Working on a weekend like usual.

01:29:45.100 Yeah.

01:29:45.380 A lot of the, uh, the carnival industry accepted, like.

01:29:48.980 They're working, dude.

01:29:51.120 There's no days off.

01:29:52.220 Oh, dude, but still.

01:29:54.640 It's gotta be a fun life.

01:29:55.900 Keep praying at night that all those little fish stay alive so you can make bank the next day.

01:30:00.920 Those fish must, how many fish are those guys going through?

01:30:04.440 Those things must be dying so much.

01:30:06.760 And then if they die, probably making a little, little bitty, like, fillets with them.

01:30:11.040 Yeah.

01:30:11.800 They probably munch those.

01:30:13.160 Oh, definitely.

01:30:14.800 Snacking on those bitches.

01:30:17.620 Yeah, but that's, uh, so we've been looking for a carnival worker.

01:30:19.720 The problem with carnival people is carn, uh, the carnival's gone fucking AWOL, man.

01:30:24.540 They don't have any animals anymore, first of all.

01:30:27.200 It's a lot of virtual shit and, like, gay guys, like, pretending to be animals, which you can get in fucking anywhere.

01:30:33.320 You can get that in Miami or Bourbon Street.

01:30:35.280 Yeah.

01:30:35.500 Um, and then it's very, I guess, more Disney on ice or something.

01:30:43.580 You can't find any of the good motherfuckers, you know?

01:30:46.260 Like, I remember there was a guy, I was, we used to live by the fair that would come through town, right?

01:30:52.400 Like, so if you went the day early for it open, for a quarter you could do a ride, right?

01:30:57.120 And you were basically practicing, you were, people would disappear, people would go fucking missing, people would get wifed up.

01:31:03.860 You know, your fucking chicks would get wifed up by a lot of these carnival workers and everything.

01:31:08.620 But, um, you could go practice, you know?

01:31:11.440 And, like, I remember one time I was getting off of a ride and I guess I grabbed two, like, rails at the same time and it completed a circuit.

01:31:19.260 And so I couldn't, I was just like this, you know?

01:31:23.060 And this black guy, I remember, goes, get on out of here, you.

01:31:27.840 And he called me the N-word.

01:31:28.700 He put my foot, he put his foot on my back and, thank God, he kicked me.

01:31:32.700 He saved you.

01:31:33.380 Yeah, so thank God, dude.

01:31:35.100 So, yeah, you shouldn't, you shouldn't use the N-word.

01:31:38.160 Getting electrocuted is so fucking funny.

01:31:40.280 Oh, well, it's surprising.

01:31:41.820 It happened to my cousin.

01:31:43.100 He was laying, he was, he was fixing a, like, the VCR, laying on the floor.

01:31:47.180 And he's a big guy, he's big.

01:31:49.080 Yeah.

01:31:49.560 And he was fixing, and he was laying on a wire, I guess, that was exposed.

01:31:53.880 Yeah.

01:31:54.180 And while he was fixing it, he just stopped and was like.

01:31:57.540 And he was huge.

01:31:58.700 We were all like, what the fuck are you doing?

01:32:00.720 Get up!

01:32:01.520 Like, no one was like, he's dying.

01:32:03.880 Everyone was like, what the fuck, dude?

01:32:05.260 Stop.

01:32:06.420 Yeah, that's the sad, that's one of the worst things that happens when people are getting electrocuted.

01:32:09.620 You're just people, like, calling pussies a lot or, like, quit doing all that gay shit.

01:32:14.100 People say stuff like that, and you're like.

01:32:15.360 Quit shaking.

01:32:15.880 Yeah.

01:32:16.540 What are you shaking for?

01:32:17.620 Yeah.

01:32:18.340 This ain't a time to laugh, Rodney.

01:32:20.600 Then a woman screams, and then you realize it's serious.

01:32:24.760 I just remember.

01:32:26.000 Unless you don't have any women in your house.

01:32:28.280 Without women, they are fucking, they are an alarm.

01:32:30.480 They're like dogs.

01:32:31.420 Yeah.

01:32:31.680 They scream.

01:32:32.880 The second something, anything is happening.

01:32:35.380 They know something's going on.

01:32:36.460 They scream.

01:32:37.160 Yeah.

01:32:37.340 They do know something's going on.

01:32:38.540 That's a great point.

01:32:40.160 Men are just like, hey, what the fuck's going on?

01:32:42.360 Women screaming during, like, a fight.

01:32:45.720 Yeah, it's hot.

01:32:46.540 It hurts.

01:32:47.380 I don't like it, dude.

01:32:48.320 It's not hot.

01:32:48.920 It's unfortunate.

01:32:49.420 No, I'm just saying.

01:32:50.400 Yeah, it's unfortunate.

01:32:51.000 Getting your ass beat and having your girls scream while it's happening.

01:32:54.220 Just whoever's beating you up is terrorizing your whole family unit.

01:32:57.460 Yeah, that's the crazy thing about watching fight videos, is when the girl, like, is just yelling on the side.

01:33:05.800 Oh, stop it.

01:33:08.400 You'd almost rather have your girl go sit in the car, or, now, what if your girl tased the fucking dude and this started.

01:33:16.320 That would be awesome.

01:33:16.940 And started yelling just, like, biggie lyrics at him as shit.

01:33:20.300 Depends which lyrics.

01:33:21.200 But, actually, at that point, if you're using a taser in the middle of a fight, that feels like a pass.

01:33:25.380 Yeah.

01:33:25.880 You could say all the lyrics.

01:33:27.460 Yeah, definitely, I think.

01:33:28.580 You know?

01:33:29.120 Yeah.

01:33:30.260 Yeah, I think having your girl, knowing your girl is taser-ready is fucking hype shit.

01:33:34.660 Women screaming, it bothers me during basketball games.

01:33:37.220 Oh, yeah.

01:33:37.740 They scream.

01:33:39.180 Football games, you know?

01:33:40.940 They get excited and scream so loud.

01:33:43.000 Oh, it's ridiculous.

01:33:43.680 My buddy took me to watch his son play football, right?

01:33:46.440 And there's this band of women behind us, okay?

01:33:49.140 One of them has a megaphone that doesn't fucking, it just makes him sound like Stephen Hawking, right?

01:33:55.060 So, it's just some lady.

01:33:58.800 Yeah, it's like, are you fucking?

01:34:02.400 It's like a $9 megaphone.

01:34:04.540 It's like, are you fucking kidding me?

01:34:07.040 And she's just yelling, they're all yelling at the refs, dude, you know?

01:34:12.260 Yeah, yelling at refs at kids games is fucking nice.

01:34:15.360 Because that guy's a fucking loser.

01:34:17.860 Oh, yeah.

01:34:18.380 You know?

01:34:19.180 Yeah.

01:34:19.720 It's so mean.

01:34:22.600 That guy wants to have control in the community, though.

01:34:24.800 Yeah, he's like, all right, I gotta ref this fucking seventh grade football game today.

01:34:28.140 Yeah.

01:34:28.640 And then there's some parent like, you fucking piece of shit.

01:34:31.900 Yeah, you fucking.

01:34:32.740 That was a hold, you fucking dumbass.

01:34:35.200 Yeah, that was a hold.

01:34:36.420 Get your eyes out your ass.

01:34:38.400 Somebody all yelling at that.

01:34:39.680 I'm gonna follow you to the parking lot and beat your fucking ass.

01:34:42.200 Dude, they're crazy.

01:34:42.720 These guys have to, like, run to their cars after middle school football games.

01:34:47.360 For $12 an hour, the guy has to fucking almost die in his community just because he fucking wants to work on the weekends.

01:34:58.680 You gotta sprint, dude.

01:34:59.700 And own a whistle.

01:35:00.640 In that dumb fucking outfit you gotta take your hat off.

01:35:03.180 Yeah, this is it right here.

01:35:05.900 The league rat.

01:35:07.440 Look how drunk all these dudes are.

01:35:10.340 These dudes are shit fake.

01:35:11.880 Yeah, unbelievable, dude.

01:35:15.000 That is nice, though.

01:35:16.040 Getting fucking wrecked and going and coaching a game.

01:35:18.920 Yeah.

01:35:19.280 Umping a game, shit face.

01:35:21.760 Have you done it?

01:35:22.480 No, I haven't.

01:35:23.340 I have not.

01:35:24.020 You seem like you would be able to do it.

01:35:25.320 I coached midget football.

01:35:29.820 Did you really?

01:35:30.400 Yeah.

01:35:30.700 It was really, really little people.

01:35:32.340 Pop Warner.

01:35:32.960 We called it midget.

01:35:33.980 Yeah.

01:35:34.520 Eighth grade, we called it midget league.

01:35:36.060 Yeah, some people used to call it that, and some people still do call it that.

01:35:39.100 I wonder if they still do.

01:35:40.060 Is there an actual little person football league or not?

01:35:43.680 There's gotta be.

01:35:44.960 Let's bring that up.

01:35:45.620 They're doing all types of stuff.

01:35:47.200 Well, you know what always gets me every year is that video of the blind guy playing football

01:35:51.260 that comes up.

01:35:52.940 That's the best.

01:35:53.040 My child playing football.

01:35:54.500 It's so funny.

01:35:56.720 Bring something up.

01:35:57.520 Because it's, you know what I mean.

01:35:59.400 It's not funny.

01:35:59.980 I'm not laughing at the...

01:36:01.140 No, it's not funny because the guy's blind.

01:36:02.580 It's funny because...

01:36:04.660 It just goes exactly how you think it's gonna go.

01:36:08.100 Yeah.

01:36:08.560 And the reporter pretends...

01:36:10.360 This is what's funny about it.

01:36:11.740 Is the reporter's what makes it fucking ridiculous.

01:36:14.340 Yeah.

01:36:14.540 Because they're like, hey, this makes perfect, normal sense and safety for this guy.

01:36:19.140 And then they watch the play and pretend like it's fucking not insane.

01:36:26.340 Little people versus giant people?

01:36:29.120 This is soccer.

01:36:30.180 I don't see any, like, American football.

01:36:31.940 The Giants.

01:36:33.520 The Giants.

01:36:34.400 That's just a regular fat guy.

01:36:35.680 I can be one of the Giants.

01:36:36.780 God damn it.

01:36:38.780 Oh, little people are way better at soccer.

01:36:40.540 One three looks good.

01:36:41.640 Put his ass down.

01:36:42.940 Oh, you kick me, motherfucker.

01:36:47.020 Little kids are gonna...

01:36:47.920 The little guys are gonna fuck these dudes up.

01:36:49.640 That's a foul.

01:36:50.240 That's a yellow.

01:36:50.540 Oh, yeah.

01:36:51.880 Big fucking...

01:36:53.420 Sherbert.

01:36:54.500 Big dudes always have names like Sherbert.

01:36:56.140 Look at that.

01:36:57.140 Ooh, she's pissed, huh?

01:37:01.380 It's a good wall, though.

01:37:03.660 They're gonna block that free kick.

01:37:06.020 The fat guy wall?

01:37:07.220 Yeah, it's unfair.

01:37:08.220 Yeah.

01:37:08.460 Are you talking about this dude?

01:37:10.640 Yes.

01:37:11.040 Yeah, can we bring it up?

01:37:14.480 The news...

01:37:14.880 Just play the news story?

01:37:18.200 Because it's just...

01:37:19.780 Dylan Collier, and God bless him.

01:37:21.260 We should call him, actually.

01:37:22.560 Let's get him on a solo episode, Zach.

01:37:24.960 Him and Chase Matthews, the guy that shit in the wig.

01:37:28.220 What did that guy do?

01:37:29.840 The guy that vomited on the girl, on the baby.

01:37:33.000 No, don't get them together.

01:37:35.020 You mean separate episodes.

01:37:36.040 Separate episodes.

01:37:36.660 Talk about it.

01:37:37.440 I just want to talk to him.

01:37:38.560 I want to see what does this guy think about it.

01:37:41.040 He's got to think it's fucking insane.

01:37:42.580 Kill and play, because he's doing all of this blind.

01:37:46.420 You know, I can't see, and a lot of people think that a blind person can't play football.

01:37:53.260 That's true.

01:37:53.760 This courageous youngster has proven those people wrong.

01:38:02.420 Bro, imagine, though.

01:38:03.680 This is wild, though.

01:38:04.540 If he is blind, then he could play a total different defense you can't even expect.

01:38:11.240 Because you expect a normal defense out of...

01:38:13.180 You know, you expect certain lanes and this shit like that.

01:38:15.600 That guy...

01:38:17.760 Might leave the field.

01:38:19.700 Yeah.

01:38:20.100 You don't know where he's going.

01:38:21.240 That fucking game is longer.

01:38:23.560 But if he hits you...

01:38:24.980 Oh, that game's longer than 100 yards.

01:38:27.000 He is going to...

01:38:27.800 There is something that is true about this, is if he does hit you, he is going to run

01:38:31.100 right through you.

01:38:31.880 Yeah.

01:38:32.060 Which is how you're supposed to, like...

01:38:33.180 If you want to fucking drill someone...

01:38:34.560 Good point.

01:38:35.100 ...run right through them.

01:38:36.260 That's a great point, dude.

01:38:36.760 You're going to hit them really fucking hard.

01:38:38.220 You couldn't penalize them for some of those, like, poaching or whatever they get.

01:38:41.660 Those penalties, you know?

01:38:42.360 Yeah.

01:38:42.520 I would love to see what this guy's up to and what it was like for him.

01:38:47.920 Dude, how brave to run when you're blind, like, you know?

01:38:51.380 Just run as fast as you can when you're fucking blind.

01:38:53.960 Yeah.

01:38:54.720 Fuck, that's brave shit, dude.

01:38:56.420 That's the kind of shit we need in this country.

01:38:58.860 Meanwhile, we have a bunch of fucking meth addicts arming themselves outside of a T-Mobile

01:39:04.960 because we told them to, dude.

01:39:08.900 You told them.

01:39:09.700 I didn't.

01:39:10.480 You told them, dude.

01:39:11.660 You're on the horse.

01:39:12.680 Why'd you say that?

01:39:13.920 You're on the horse.

01:39:15.760 I'm never going to get on a horse.

01:39:17.740 Yeah, you are, buddy.

01:39:19.540 We'll get you up there.

01:39:20.060 I like horses, yeah.

01:39:21.280 Any other news, Zach?

01:39:22.340 Do you think we covered everything?

01:39:23.480 Shane lives in Austin now.

01:39:24.900 Yeah.

01:39:26.380 We had one other video we were watching.

01:39:28.660 Like this.

01:39:30.340 Oh, yeah.

01:39:31.180 And this is racial stuff.

01:39:32.300 Let's go.

01:39:33.460 This is...

01:39:34.260 Let's...

01:39:34.760 Let's...

01:39:35.300 Let's start it up.

01:39:36.900 Hold on.

01:39:38.640 So, this is...

01:39:41.640 So, one of the problems that's happening in society is people can't afford Ubers anymore.

01:39:48.020 And so, here, this is...

01:39:49.440 This happened, I think, in...

01:39:50.700 This looks like New Hampshire.

01:39:53.320 It jumps on my car.

01:39:56.040 He's just hitching a ride, dude.

01:39:58.320 It's right in front of my car.

01:40:03.820 Get off!

01:40:05.180 Oh, no.

01:40:05.860 What are you doing?

01:40:06.780 There's a white guy hanging.

01:40:09.680 He's on the front of a black guy's car.

01:40:11.400 He's on my car.

01:40:12.100 While the black guy's driving around.

01:40:14.460 Looks like fucking Pittsburgh.

01:40:15.920 He's still on my car.

01:40:17.320 Get the fuck off my car.

01:40:18.620 Oh, don't go sideways, bro.

01:40:20.940 Oh.

01:40:23.580 Good.

01:40:24.760 Dude, it's unbelievable.

01:40:26.500 The guy didn't just stop and say, hey, senior citizen, who is 60 years older than me, who

01:40:34.160 may be having an episode.

01:40:36.160 His face is so funny.

01:40:37.720 Hey, hey, buddy.

01:40:39.600 Why don't you fucking get off my car?

01:40:42.560 Instead, the guy's fucking listening to Nicki Minaj or Young Dolph.

01:40:47.500 And he's just like, hey, this is crazy.

01:40:49.920 The Trump hat's so good on that.

01:40:51.720 This is crazy.

01:40:52.300 The Trump hat's so nice.

01:40:53.260 This guy's on my car.

01:40:55.060 Like he's a fucking, like it's a butterfly or something.

01:41:00.680 That is how I treat bugs on my car.

01:41:03.120 I'm like, I'll slow down, see if he gets off.

01:41:06.200 Dude, you guys have got to see this.

01:41:07.860 That's a fucking bug on a car, dude.

01:41:09.320 It's a fucking, this guy is 72 years old.

01:41:14.400 He's holding onto the front of this guy's car.

01:41:18.500 And we don't know why.

01:41:21.020 This is that Biden shit, man, that people are talking about.

01:41:25.080 And this is people on meds.

01:41:26.480 This is people not having any hope, probably.

01:41:29.320 I mean, you run out of hope.

01:41:30.540 You're going to have to get on someone's car.

01:41:32.080 That's what I'm saying.

01:41:32.640 That's step two.

01:41:34.280 You look around, you go, there's no hope.

01:41:36.140 Well, yeah.

01:41:36.480 And Ubers, at a certain point, it's just all, it's just going to be a bunch of lords in

01:41:42.040 their castles.

01:41:42.920 Yeah.

01:41:43.280 The rest of us will be all Ubering each other.

01:41:47.500 That'd be the only job.

01:41:49.540 But everybody's Ubering, so nobody is a passenger.

01:41:53.120 Nobody's breaking even.

01:41:53.840 We're all just breaking even on this.

01:41:55.440 Totally.

01:41:56.380 So you're literally going to have people holding each other at gunpoint to be their passenger.

01:42:01.780 Oh, man, dude.

01:42:06.580 Imagine if that was your relative that you just saw that video.

01:42:09.540 You're like, man, he had a fucking manic episode.

01:42:12.120 He jumped on a dude's car.

01:42:14.660 Went for a spin.

01:42:15.760 Just went around the block.

01:42:16.860 Hold on.

01:42:17.740 God wants us to watch it one more time.

01:42:19.500 Yeah, it's great.

01:42:20.140 I love seeing his face.

01:42:21.000 I wish I had a view of his feet.

01:42:35.040 Get off!

01:42:39.380 He said get off, but he didn't give him time.

01:42:41.840 He was getting humped.

01:42:43.120 I love how he's just saying get off my car at 20 miles an hour.

01:42:49.660 He goes for the exit.

01:42:51.120 It's a tough exit.

01:42:53.120 Yeah.

01:42:53.660 He tried to take the orthodox fucking tunnel off to the side, but they wouldn't fucking

01:43:00.580 let him, dude.

01:43:01.740 Seeing that guy roll in the street.

01:43:04.420 Hey, let's find out who that is, and let's also get him on the next solo.

01:43:08.200 Those three guys, I want to know.

01:43:10.140 Dillian Collier.

01:43:11.480 The guy, Jordan Matthews.

01:43:12.900 Chase Matthews, I think was his name.

01:43:14.400 Puke man?

01:43:15.380 Yeah.

01:43:15.840 The guy that puked on the baby girl.

01:43:18.600 And you know that guy was hoping nobody brought that up.

01:43:26.160 Oh, man.

01:43:27.000 He was 21, shit-faced at a baseball game.

01:43:29.680 He's never living that down.

01:43:31.460 Puked on a fucking little kid.

01:43:33.520 Yeah.

01:43:34.380 I wonder what the kid's doing now, too.

01:43:35.940 It'd be crazy to see if that influenced him somehow, you know, if he works with bulimia

01:43:40.100 or something.

01:43:42.100 To prevent anybody from vomiting.

01:43:44.480 Esophageal cancer, maybe.

01:43:46.760 What else we got?

01:43:47.580 Zach, anything else?

01:43:48.760 How long have we been in here?

01:43:49.400 A while?

01:43:49.960 About two hours.

01:43:50.900 Oh, wow.

01:43:51.420 Really?

01:43:51.660 Oh, shit.

01:43:52.340 Okay.

01:43:52.860 That's good.

01:43:54.480 Matt and Shane's secret podcast.

01:43:56.240 Yes.

01:43:56.860 With Matt McCosker, Shane Gillis.

01:44:00.000 Matt's got to come on next time with you, man.

01:44:01.440 Yeah, he's got to.

01:44:01.840 I had so much fun on you guys' show.

01:44:03.740 You would do it without me.

01:44:05.500 Just Matt.

01:44:06.160 Yeah?

01:44:06.300 You guys would get along very well.

01:44:08.320 Okay.

01:44:08.760 Yeah.

01:44:09.440 All right.

01:44:09.720 Got similar vibes.

01:44:11.040 Well, I just want to make sure we have our meeting of the generals that are going to

01:44:14.660 be working for us.

01:44:16.180 McCosker will be good.

01:44:17.640 Silver Fox.

01:44:18.540 And McCosker is a very general name.

01:44:20.820 Yes.

01:44:21.860 Very.

01:44:22.640 Oh.

01:44:26.300 McCosker's last stand.

01:44:27.360 He's going to get...

01:44:28.240 Bombs are going to turn on him and stab him.

01:44:30.460 But still, dude.

01:44:33.560 McCosker's last stand and he fucking...

01:44:35.560 We'll never forget when he fucking commandeered those three T-Mobile outlets in the middle

01:44:40.380 of the night.

01:44:42.300 Yeah.

01:44:43.520 Little Best Buy.

01:44:44.660 Yeah.

01:44:45.340 Little Best Buy.

01:44:46.280 Little Best Buy.

01:44:49.180 Yeah.

01:44:49.740 He...

01:44:50.300 This has been tried before, though.

01:44:52.280 Yeah.

01:44:52.560 Not necessarily bums, but just saying, like, they're downtrodden.

01:44:56.560 They're going to rise up if I let...

01:44:58.500 John Brown did that.

01:44:59.820 Did he really?

01:45:00.600 Yeah.

01:45:00.860 That's how he sparked the Civil War in America.

01:45:03.660 So he just...

01:45:04.100 He was like, I'm going to start a...

01:45:04.980 He thought, rightfully so, that slavery was...

01:45:08.540 He was very religious and he was like, this is the gravest sin.

01:45:11.980 John Brown's raid on Harper's Ferry.

01:45:13.600 Yeah.

01:45:13.780 He was like, if I go take the armory at Harper's Ferry, all the slaves from all the area are going

01:45:18.580 to join us.

01:45:19.240 Wow.

01:45:19.780 And not many of them did.

01:45:21.540 Really?

01:45:21.960 Almost none.

01:45:22.840 So they let him down or they were afraid?

01:45:25.720 I don't know.

01:45:26.320 No, he was a little nuts.

01:45:28.020 So they were probably like, that's not the guy to do it.

01:45:30.280 And he's a white guy or black guy?

01:45:31.420 He was a honky.

01:45:32.380 But his last name was Brown.

01:45:33.940 Yes.

01:45:35.920 So they give him some of that credit.

01:45:37.640 He gets a lot of credit in the black community.

01:45:40.040 Does he really?

01:45:40.320 That's a great...

01:45:40.980 Yeah.

01:45:41.200 I mean, he fucking...

01:45:42.080 He was the man.

01:45:42.920 He started...

01:45:43.320 So he really inspired.

01:45:44.100 So he actually made a physical motion to say, hey, let's do this.

01:45:46.820 We got to get rid of slavery.

01:45:47.780 Right.

01:45:48.200 Wow.

01:45:48.780 And they hung him.

01:45:50.780 Damn.

01:45:50.880 He got to fucking marry the elephant treatment.

01:45:53.000 Oh.

01:45:54.640 That's heartbreaking.

01:45:55.800 Where's he buried at?

01:45:58.520 He's from Kansas or some shit.

01:46:01.140 Yeah.

01:46:02.260 Wow.

01:46:02.740 So he really was trying his best, huh?

01:46:03.780 Or he was just out in Kansas.

01:46:05.040 He might be.

01:46:05.180 And who hung him?

01:46:06.340 The whites?

01:46:06.980 Yeah, the honkies got him.

01:46:08.260 God.

01:46:08.960 He's buried in the mountains in New York.

01:46:12.940 How do you pronounce this?

01:46:13.820 I don't know how to pronounce that word.

01:46:16.000 Adironday.

01:46:16.520 Yeah, there we go.

01:46:17.200 Okay.

01:46:17.440 Everyone had it.

01:46:18.780 He was a beast.

01:46:23.680 He was getting after it, though, before he did that.

01:46:25.540 He was killing all the southern sympathizers.

01:46:28.860 Slave owners?

01:46:29.560 Sympathizers?

01:46:30.040 Yeah, in Kansas.

01:46:31.080 Him and his sons were macheteing people.

01:46:34.040 Oh.

01:46:35.160 Yeah.

01:46:35.960 Wow.

01:46:36.500 Pretty good guy, though.

01:46:37.940 That'd be interesting.

01:46:39.020 If we could do a Ouija board or something and talk with some of those guys, you know?

01:46:43.620 Yeah.

01:46:44.620 It'd be pretty cool.

01:46:46.440 But I don't know who does that kind of work, seancery or whatever.

01:46:49.160 That would be a good episode.

01:46:50.480 With a seancer?

01:46:50.940 Get a fucking medium in here.

01:46:52.900 Get, like, somebody that's like, I'm going to contact the dead.

01:46:55.780 You think so?

01:46:56.380 I think that'd be a great episode.

01:46:57.460 You got to pick out some cool dead people.

01:47:00.040 They can't be like, oh, this is something that...

01:47:01.500 Hey, we just got a call from Richard outside of Toledo.

01:47:05.180 Just people calling into a radio show.

01:47:08.220 Hi, am I on the air?

01:47:09.780 Fuck.

01:47:10.140 You're not allowed to swear here.

01:47:12.680 That'd be hilarious, dude.

01:47:14.960 You just had an open seance line.

01:47:16.980 Nice.

01:47:17.340 You're like, hey, this is Robert Trumman.

01:47:19.860 Long time listener, dude.

01:47:20.840 I've been listening to you guys for eternity.

01:47:22.880 It's just all right.

01:47:26.440 Welcome to town, man.

01:47:27.700 Are you touring this year?

01:47:29.060 What else is going on?

01:47:29.700 Just so people know.

01:47:30.560 Yeah, I'm touring.

01:47:31.300 Okay.

01:47:31.800 Yeah.

01:47:32.460 I don't know when this comes out, but I'm going to announce...

01:47:35.600 I'm doing...

01:47:36.740 Netflix is a joke.

01:47:39.040 I'm doing the Greek Theater and the Kia Forum in May.

01:47:41.200 No.

01:47:41.720 You're doing the Forum, too?

01:47:42.980 I'm doing the Forum in LA.

01:47:43.960 Isn't that 11,000 seats?

01:47:45.240 Hopefully that sells some tickets.

01:47:46.800 Oh, my gosh.

01:47:47.440 Otherwise...

01:47:47.700 I think Louis said that's his favorite place to go do a show.

01:47:50.000 Really?

01:47:50.400 Yeah.

01:47:51.880 I think I would like to maybe try that this year.

01:47:53.600 That's so exciting, dude.

01:47:54.800 Yeah.

01:47:55.460 Wow.

01:47:56.240 What?

01:47:56.340 So that'll be exciting.

01:47:57.180 I'll be nervous.

01:47:57.840 That'll be your biggest show ever.

01:47:59.240 That'll be the biggest, yeah.

01:48:00.180 Yeah, that's exciting.

01:48:02.020 Have you done any outdoor festival shows?

01:48:04.180 I did a bunch with Kreischer.

01:48:06.500 Oh, yeah.

01:48:07.180 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:48:07.660 They were fun.

01:48:08.260 Some of those looked amazing.

01:48:09.500 They were.

01:48:10.120 Some of those were really amazing.

01:48:11.320 Do you like doing the outdoor?

01:48:12.500 We did one in Edmonton.

01:48:13.820 It was tough.

01:48:15.080 It was fun.

01:48:15.840 It's just different.

01:48:16.740 Yeah.

01:48:17.600 I don't know.

01:48:18.000 I've only ever done it opening for Bert, so I don't know how it'll do.

01:48:22.080 Like, a long set might be hard.

01:48:23.760 I have no idea.

01:48:24.460 Did you feel like it was fine?

01:48:25.660 Like, just how you did it?

01:48:26.440 I was doing, like, 15, 20 minutes, so I was like, all right, let's just clock in.

01:48:30.180 And get this done.

01:48:31.140 This is great.

01:48:31.520 Sometimes it was good.

01:48:32.280 Sometimes I felt like I sucked.

01:48:33.820 Because you can't tell.

01:48:34.680 Because it was like a minor league baseball field.

01:48:37.000 You know?

01:48:37.560 Yeah.

01:48:37.720 The laughs.

01:48:38.420 Yeah.

01:48:38.980 And it was, the sun was up a lot of the time.

01:48:41.880 Oh.

01:48:42.220 So you could see everyone not, you know, you could see everyone getting up.

01:48:45.440 Yeah.

01:48:45.640 Getting drinks.

01:48:46.720 Yeah.

01:48:47.880 Yeah.

01:48:48.240 Yeah, some places you do it, and some people don't even know.

01:48:49.940 I remember I taped a comedy special in New Orleans, and people had never, some people

01:48:54.280 had never seen live comedy.

01:48:55.440 They didn't even know.

01:48:55.940 People were yelling, people thought it was like a sporting event, people were yelling

01:48:58.820 defense during it.

01:49:00.400 Some lady was at the top just beating on the back wall, just going, defense, defense.

01:49:06.260 You're getting fired up.

01:49:07.160 It was just fucking crazy.

01:49:08.080 I'm like, what is going on here?

01:49:10.880 Yeah, you get, yeah.

01:49:11.960 Big crowd like that, they can start getting wild.

01:49:14.180 Yeah.

01:49:16.720 What's been one of the toughest things about getting more popular?

01:49:18.580 You've just had such a crazy, I mean, you've, you did it somehow.

01:49:23.200 You made it.

01:49:24.140 I mean, I know how, but it's just like, are you, you know, you've just gotten, you've.

01:49:27.600 Got popular.

01:49:28.240 Yeah.

01:49:28.640 Yeah.

01:49:28.860 A lot of it's on TikTok and shit.

01:49:31.960 I don't, I don't even have a TikTok.

01:49:34.040 You don't?

01:49:34.300 I don't like clips.

01:49:34.940 Yeah.

01:49:35.700 Yeah.

01:49:36.080 I don't, personally, I don't like them.

01:49:37.360 I don't care if other people do them, but it's funny because like young people will see

01:49:41.240 me and be like, you're the TikTok guy.

01:49:42.960 Yeah.

01:49:43.540 I'm like, damn, I got to get on TikTok.

01:49:45.640 I got to see what's going on.

01:49:46.520 That was a big thing was just clips.

01:49:49.100 Uh, what, the hardest part about it?

01:49:52.360 Is that what you're saying?

01:49:53.100 Yeah.

01:49:53.260 Is there something that's been interesting about it?

01:49:54.440 I mean, it's just an interesting thing that happens in somebody's life when they get more

01:49:57.160 popular, you know, it's like just interesting.

01:49:58.500 Yeah.

01:49:58.640 You've done it.

01:49:59.160 It's just weird.

01:50:00.080 I don't know how to.

01:50:01.660 Yeah.

01:50:01.860 Maybe it's just weird.

01:50:03.440 Yeah.

01:50:03.720 I was just curious.

01:50:04.480 It feels surreal.

01:50:05.040 I don't know.

01:50:05.480 There's nothing.

01:50:05.960 You thought about it or noticed about it or anything that was tough about it or anything.

01:50:10.020 I got to take pictures a lot.

01:50:11.760 Yeah.

01:50:11.980 Which that's not always great.

01:50:13.560 And you're tall.

01:50:14.480 You can't hide.

01:50:15.140 Yeah.

01:50:15.420 And I'm, yeah.

01:50:16.060 I don't like the way I look a lot of the time.

01:50:17.600 Oh, that's the worst.

01:50:18.140 So I have to take pictures.

01:50:18.680 And I have like a, sometimes a very embarrassing smile.

01:50:22.880 Yeah.

01:50:23.400 There's so many pictures.

01:50:24.200 With my arms up, like, there's so many pictures.

01:50:28.000 There's so many pictures of me.

01:50:29.480 Like, yeah.

01:50:30.980 Well, nice to meet you guys.

01:50:32.140 Thanks.

01:50:33.080 Don't look him up.

01:50:34.600 Don't fucking bring him up.

01:50:35.980 Oh, there's one with you and Trump, dude.

01:50:37.240 That's sick.

01:50:37.780 You were there.

01:50:38.020 We talked about that last time.

01:50:38.560 You were there.

01:50:39.200 Yeah.

01:50:39.440 Yeah.

01:50:39.760 We talked about that last time.

01:50:41.120 Oh, yeah.

01:50:41.520 You, I don't think I was sitting, I was sitting further away from you guys, though.

01:50:44.940 Yeah.

01:50:45.220 You were.

01:50:45.980 You went to like the first one Trump ever came to, I think.

01:50:49.120 That was fun.

01:50:50.220 Yeah.

01:50:50.600 That was fun, dude.

01:50:51.100 You might be.

01:50:51.580 Yeah.

01:50:51.740 You were directly behind there.

01:50:52.900 I know exactly where you were.

01:50:53.780 Poirier's fighting.

01:50:54.460 That's actually Max Crosby's arm.

01:50:57.140 Is it really?

01:50:57.900 The guy with the chain right there, yeah.

01:50:59.380 Wow.

01:51:01.240 Max Crosby's a cool guy.

01:51:02.720 Yeah.

01:51:03.380 I think that was him.

01:51:04.400 I remember he was there.

01:51:05.100 And his brother, too.

01:51:05.640 I don't know what his brother, what's his brother's name?

01:51:07.660 Miles.

01:51:08.640 Miles.

01:51:09.800 I met Miles, too, one time.

01:51:12.320 I wonder if it's cool if your brother's in the NFL.

01:51:14.100 I bet that's awesome.

01:51:14.880 It's gotta be awesome.

01:51:15.580 Because you don't have to do it.

01:51:16.800 Yeah.

01:51:17.520 Yeah, you get to do fucking Mahomes, brother.

01:51:20.340 You just do fucking TikToks.

01:51:21.540 Everyone's like, shut the fuck up.

01:51:23.100 Yeah.

01:51:23.440 You just get to do TikToks and fucking meet guys.

01:51:25.960 Just bother everybody.

01:51:26.880 Yeah.

01:51:27.280 Yeah.

01:51:27.800 Yeah.

01:51:28.600 You just get to do TikToks and just buy sweaters and shit, and your brother's fucking out there

01:51:32.420 killing it.

01:51:33.360 That's gotta be nice.

01:51:34.400 That's awesome.

01:51:35.080 Yeah.

01:51:35.820 Like, if your brother was Patrick Mahomes, it's cool to watch.

01:51:39.080 Oh, it'd be so sick.

01:51:39.720 Just watch your brother be the best player in the world.

01:51:42.260 Dude, you'd have to be like, how the fuck?

01:51:44.120 How did this happen?

01:51:44.380 Especially if you knew your brother, and you're like, are you fucking...

01:51:46.980 Are you fucking kidding me?

01:51:47.140 I remember I caught you jacking off, like, a hundred times.

01:51:50.040 Yeah.

01:51:50.220 And now you're in the seatbelt, fucking no-look passing.

01:51:53.320 Yeah, and then I left you alone for two seconds and came back in the room.

01:51:56.300 Okay?

01:51:57.500 What are you doing, dude?

01:51:59.440 Like, a good parent should, dude.

01:52:02.380 All right, man.

01:52:03.180 We'll see you guys in either Buffalo or in Austin outside of the Comedy Fellowship if shit

01:52:07.680 hits the fan.

01:52:08.320 Because you have to recognize, at some point, people will think in their head, I've thought

01:52:12.060 about this.

01:52:12.840 Where do we all go when shit, when it gets...

01:52:15.840 Because all it takes is that fucking one, that one night, you know?

01:52:19.300 Yeah.

01:52:20.060 I'm going to try to get a hold of Rogan.

01:52:22.620 That's the guy.

01:52:23.700 Right, I agree.

01:52:24.500 And I spoke with him about this one time, and he, I think, decided he will be offshore in

01:52:27.900 a boat looking back at America.

01:52:29.560 I think so.

01:52:30.300 And that's what a lot of people will be doing.

01:52:32.440 Be vigilant.

01:52:33.160 The second shit pops off, I've got to get over there.

01:52:35.480 Because a lot of people are going to rush.

01:52:36.780 It's going to be like Noah's Ark.

01:52:38.280 Oh, yeah.

01:52:38.680 People are going to be like, save us.

01:52:40.140 Yeah.

01:52:40.580 There's going to be two of, like, every type of person.

01:52:43.100 Type of comic.

01:52:44.000 Yeah.

01:52:44.640 Me and Tim Dillon walking hand in hand.

01:52:46.800 Yeah, dude.

01:52:47.340 All right, two fat whites, you guys are in.

01:52:49.080 Yeah.

01:52:50.100 Me and Tig Notaro.

01:52:53.500 Ambiguous guys, you guys are in.

01:52:55.140 Oh, that'd be sick, dude.

01:52:58.660 Two people with, like, those little things.

01:53:02.280 Yeah.

01:53:02.960 Jeff Dunham and doesn't.

01:53:06.820 Dude, imagine being the other guy that's not Jeff Dunham.

01:53:10.020 People are always like, hey, are you Jeff Dunham?

01:53:11.720 He's like, no.

01:53:12.720 No.

01:53:14.060 I was doing this before him, that motherfucker.

01:53:19.140 Shane Gillis, man, congrats, dude.

01:53:21.340 Congrats on just being funny.

01:53:22.860 And I'm sorry you didn't win the Golden Globe, and you should have, I thought.

01:53:26.320 Oh, thanks.

01:53:26.980 I, yeah.

01:53:27.840 I thought you at least should have been up for it.

01:53:29.020 Thanks.

01:53:29.280 I appreciate that.

01:53:30.440 And, yeah.

01:53:32.140 You guys can find him on tour.

01:53:33.960 Dude, the fucking form.

01:53:35.180 You're doing the form and the Greek?

01:53:36.660 Yeah, in the same week.

01:53:37.680 Why?

01:53:38.360 Hopefully I sell some tickets.

01:53:40.800 I'm not.

01:53:41.460 It's my agent.

01:53:42.600 Your agent?

01:53:43.200 Oh, yeah.

01:53:43.680 Yeah.

01:53:44.160 Yeah, we did the Greek.

01:53:45.000 They're like, let's, dude, you can do the form.

01:53:46.940 Yeah.

01:53:47.360 They're like, it's going to sell.

01:53:48.420 I was like, oh, man.

01:53:49.920 You sure it's going to sell?

01:53:51.160 Because I'll do it.

01:53:51.760 The same week as the Greek.

01:53:52.480 Yeah.

01:53:53.160 Fuck, that's amazing.

01:53:53.740 I've never done L.A., though.

01:53:55.180 So that's good.

01:53:55.600 That helps.

01:53:56.420 Yeah, that's awesome.

01:53:57.780 Well, you'll definitely do it, man.

01:53:59.220 Oh, there's some fucking air conditioning.

01:54:00.980 Yeah.

01:54:01.640 Now that the podcast is wrapping up, let's bring it back down to 75.

01:54:06.720 Thanks, Shane, for coming in, man.

01:54:07.920 I appreciate it, man.

01:54:09.200 Thank you, dude.

01:54:10.000 Yep, talk to you later, brother.

01:54:10.760 Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:54:16.360 I must be cornerstone.

01:54:22.480 Thank you.

01:54:27.200 Thank you.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - January 16, 2024

E478 Shane Gillis

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