This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E484 Trevor Wallace

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00:00:56.320 for planned features and network management details i have some new tour dates to announce

00:01:02.560 i will be in st louis on april 18th get your tickets early starting thursday february 22nd at 10 a.m local

00:01:10.880 time with pre-sale code rat king general on sale starts friday february 23rd at 9 a.m local time

00:01:19.360 we also have tickets remaining in atlanta for april 5th get all your tickets at theovon.com

00:01:26.480 slash t-o-u-r and if they're really overpriced or overpriced or it's some secondary website don't pay a

00:01:34.560 lot we'll come back through and thank you for your support today's guest is my dog a wonderful content

00:01:44.000 creator comedian has a new comedy special out on amazon prime called pterodactyl that i really

00:01:52.160 enjoyed i suggest you check it out i'm grateful to spend time with him today today's guest is my friend

00:01:58.960 mr trevor wallace

00:02:12.160 park and attendants are always awesome oh park and attendants because you have to think one of the

00:02:33.120 things that they one of the things that the park and attendants deal with a lot is

00:02:38.160 boredom probably and potential i don't want to say who is high but yeah i would start more beef if i 0.97

00:02:46.960 was them yeah just the the shit in la is so funny it's like if you're here for 15 minutes it's 17 0.99

00:02:52.800 dollars how are you getting that back where's that math from bro we doing bitcoin numbers out here 0.99

00:02:59.280 dude a lot of the behavior from parking attendants you can tell that they um some of them have never

00:03:06.000 driven a vehicle yeah they don't have a car there yeah they never have a car they get dropped off the

00:03:11.600 prices are arbitrary it almost depends on how angry their wife was at them that morning as to how much

00:03:16.320 you're gonna have to pay yeah that's how i feel a lot of times dude and that guy because you and i

00:03:22.160 you and i had the same location for our podcast yeah we did yeah and that got the parking attendant

00:03:29.920 um we would find him he started uh wearing no shoes in the bathroom really it must be more

00:03:37.120 freeing i mean he was there so much it probably felt like home for him you know yeah somebody 0.99

00:03:40.400 taking a shit and kicking your shoes off you know it's kind of like uh it's like a white flag it's 0.98

00:03:44.480 like a trees tree yeah you know but yeah i'm done the party like my wife wins you know exactly 1.00

00:03:50.720 yeah yeah yeah that dude would shit yeah you about to be there for 25 minutes at least oh 0.98

00:03:55.200 you're parking a shit if we're talking about it yeah yeah it's gotta be weird just working there 0.99

00:04:02.640 knowing like your job is gonna be like done and also your office is three feet by four feet your 0.99

00:04:10.000 office is a standing up coffin when you die they just tilt over the toll booth and just put it on the

00:04:15.440 side and like hey it's buried right there dude your office that's a crazy thing your office you can't

00:04:21.680 even turn around and you're like you have to walk out sideways out of your office it's kind of nice

00:04:26.320 so he's got like a porch which is just the the parking lot yeah well he also had with the craziest

00:04:31.840 thing that guy had was he had an air conditioning unit did he really on the side of that's bigger

00:04:37.440 than the whole unit it was a porta potty with like an air conditioning unit on the side yeah it was 0.98

00:04:41.600 and he would blast that bitch man he would be in there just getting frosty bro yeah that's that's fun man 1.00

00:04:47.920 yeah that's quite a job man um yeah there's been a lot of i guess because that's where king and the 0.98

00:04:52.640 sting was that's where we did that um what other podcasts were in there i wonder was there other

00:04:57.360 ones h3 h3 used to be in h3 was in the same building yeah wow fucking legendary so that place 0.95

00:05:05.120 has a little bit of history to it uh there's some other shit going on over there too i always see

00:05:08.960 couples who are fighting coming down the halls so maybe there's like a couples therapy in there

00:05:13.680 there's a um it's like that jerry springer outpost or whatever like where you get tested or whatever

00:05:19.040 that thing is wait every jerry springer outpost in there dude look at look at young me wow there's

00:05:24.080 you and callahan three years ago i remember being so excited when i was on that episode i watched it

00:05:29.840 like uh like the premiere really yeah with the girls dating at the time they're like book in

00:05:34.320 one king's day dude that's so cool that was fun man yeah it was it was awesome there's been some

00:05:39.840 good podcast studios like and a lot of them i guess move over time i'm trying to think because

00:05:44.080 h3 moved out of there um rogan's moved at least twice i think he remodeled his new one in austin

00:05:53.680 but he had the one that was out like in woodland hills for years what i was like about whenever

00:05:58.160 you move yours it always looks the same so you never know if you're like in la or nashville where

00:06:01.760 we right now who knows welcome to tennessee people you're wearing nashville right now where the tax

00:06:07.280 savings are hell yeah brother hell yeah if the irs and watch it we are in nashville tennessee

00:06:14.160 all year or at least half of it yo boys get a show last night at the wiltern how was that yeah 0.98

00:06:19.120 i saw what the wiltern was cool man bro a lot of the fucking raza showed up bro oh yeah oh yeah yeah 0.98

00:06:24.320 sunday's a good day for the raza the fucking raza because they're all off work dog oh it's the holiday 0.99

00:06:29.440 today oh yes president's day president yeah is it president's day what is biden doing today 0.99

00:06:35.040 playing angry bird somewhere imagine what he's doing i bet he's just kind of like this

00:06:43.120 i feel like president's day should be like a bachelor party for him like i think he should like

00:06:46.720 i know i think people look over the fact that bill clinton got head and that's like so cool

00:06:51.120 yeah when you think about the fact that he did that good yeah oh somebody should

00:06:57.600 yeah they should ripen up the president's nuts every now and then i feel like it should be that 0.99

00:07:01.920 should be in the fucking contract it's crazy how you work so hard to be president you can't even 1.00

00:07:08.400 get somebody to suck you off because you can get somebody to suck you off if you aren't president 1.00

00:07:12.720 yeah and it's fine i've done it i'm not president to go to amsterdam it's like 200 you get a quick nut 1.00

00:07:17.680 off and i ran for senior class president uh in high school and i didn't win but uh i still got sucked

00:07:23.920 off yeah in amsterdam yeah yeah bro i've been there too i got a uh escort in amsterdam did you go to

00:07:29.680 the red light district or you had somebody come to you i went to red light district you had somebody

00:07:32.640 come no no no i was saying like a door stasher yeah i have my own red light district i put my iphone

00:07:39.440 light up there yeah sure yeah no i i went there yeah it was interesting bro yeah what was that like so

00:07:46.400 like what was it like for you and i'll tell you what it was like for me it was it was um were you by

00:07:50.320 yourself no i was with uh four dudes more sauce dude the red light district is just all dudes and

00:07:57.200 then like families which is weird like what do you tell your kids there's mama back in the 90s

00:08:02.800 you know um well it's all dudes and everybody i think is trying to pretend like they're not

00:08:09.040 there which is yeah they're acting like they're there for like the art of it yeah and like when

00:08:14.320 their wife goes like i'm gonna go get a churro like you're not gonna go pop one off real quick 1.00

00:08:17.920 yeah yeah yeah yeah it was a lot of just groups of dudes and be funny because you could tell who

00:08:21.760 did it already and who didn't because some groups would look curious and some guys would have like

00:08:25.600 little the guys who just did it would be like a little sweaty yeah they'd be coming out like

00:08:30.080 yeah we we were at a bar just watching this one red door and the guys would come out like laughing

00:08:36.640 or like ashamed it was scary when i went in there it was because there's not like there's a red light

00:08:42.320 and there's like no other lights really yeah well there's a blue light you know that is uh 1.00

00:08:46.960 is that for gay man it is for i believe if you have a tits and a penis oh for trans yeah so it's 0.99

00:08:56.160 like a trans like district yeah blue blue light district the lights tell the story well most of the 1.00

00:09:00.800 time yeah so that's like uh yeah what does it say can you give me some info on it let me see

00:09:08.720 blue lights signify the prostitute is transgender red lights are for female a mix of blue and red 1.00

00:09:16.400 lights advertise the trans woman take on all commerce wow that is just uh so you got options 1.00

00:09:24.080 yeah male or female does it say anything else about it that's interesting i didn't know that dude

00:09:29.040 but so anyways it was interesting because you know at first you're shocked at how crowded it is it's

00:09:33.760 just right on the main street walking down the street yeah there's no barrier to entry it was like

00:09:37.280 venice beach like it was just like oh get a kebab here's tits there's like a starbucks and then a star 0.98

00:09:44.560 cucks bucks star fucks yeah how did i miss that i don't know i feel like that was 0.98

00:09:49.040 that's right up my alley dude yeah there was like a starbucks and then a star bucks yes right 0.99

00:09:58.800 there except i wasn't a star fucking i was nervous dude i didn't know like do i dirty talk oh i didn't 0.98

00:10:03.680 know i remember getting two coffees before and i was like that isn't gonna fucking i was at that age 0.98

00:10:08.080 where you thought coffee like helped your wiener you know does it not no it doesn't do anything it 0.97

00:10:12.560 makes you very scared of being in a room with somebody yeah that you just met for sex yeah dude and 0.66

00:10:18.320 it's so it's like the the red door is illustrious you walk in then they take you upstairs to like a 0.99

00:10:22.400 cot yeah and uh having sex on a cot is not great unless you're like in the army then it's kind of 0.96

00:10:26.960 fun but yeah it's very military style in there i felt like um and the girl this is what missionary 0.98

00:10:31.760 in there too and this is what got me was the girl was mean really yeah she's like you want it 1.00

00:10:38.640 you know put condom put condom oh that's kind of hot and i was like and i was so scared dude i 0.99

00:10:44.080 remember putting my putting the condom around my hole like even putting my nuts into the can 0.99

00:10:49.520 that's probably smart for safety just like just bagging your groceries because i was a bagger for 0.98

00:10:55.200 like 18 months even but oh really i just remember everything you hop out to the cart and then i was

00:11:01.520 so scared we kind of started it was just it was just intense and then there's like a guy kind of

00:11:05.840 waiting downstairs i remember we walked past like a pretty strong guy well there's she told me she's

00:11:10.080 like you have 20 minutes and i was like i only need 19 but the thought of it now that i got a

00:11:16.000 timer in my head i'm like nervous and it's so hard to get hard on demand oh it's unbelievable if i was

00:11:20.640 in seventh grade that would have been way easier more illegal but she could have been like sneeze 1.00

00:11:23.680 and i'd be like yeah but yeah it was uh it was that and then she's like oh like are you visiting and

00:11:28.880 she and i and i like start to like try to get out myself and she's like oh no i'll do it for you

00:11:33.120 i was like damn this is like a whole experience whole catering here yeah there was a lot of 0.99

00:11:37.760 shit i remember they put uh after the i remember after the condom was on they would uh start a blow 0.99

00:11:43.760 job yeah which can't taste good oh i felt horror i was like oh this isn't you know i even remember 0.99

00:11:50.720 saying like oh this is not what my penis tastes like you know i didn't want her thinking that like 0.99

00:11:55.600 yeah my penis tasted like like the michelin man or something yeah it is weird and i remember i said 0.99

00:12:02.080 something out loud it's basically like somebody that blows up balloons yeah reverse reverse 0.99

00:12:06.960 fucking clown with the balloon but i remember like dirty talking but i was too shy to say it 0.95

00:12:13.920 loud so in my breath i was like oh it's fucking hot i think she said what and i was like oh it's 0.99

00:12:19.280 nothing yeah oh i remember i see oh yeah i said i think i even think i remember saying like let me see 0.81

00:12:26.320 your pie or something did she show it i mean i'm sure she did i don't know it's so dark in there

00:12:31.920 you don't know what's going on yeah it was crazy it's almost just like please let me yeah so i can

00:12:38.160 get back out of here i do i just i just i mean mainly for this story but the whole time the post

00:12:42.480 not regret was crazy because right after i walked it out another dude walked in and i was like oh no

00:12:48.000 yeah she doesn't care about me yeah oh definitely oh that's part of it too you're like oh there's

00:12:52.880 nothing there's nothing emotional about it at all no it's like laid down put on the condom um yeah 0.99

00:13:00.880 and they put like a paper towel over my dick so i had kind of like a placemat which is kind of 0.93

00:13:04.160 respectful if you think about it um they put like a towel over it oh yeah just so it's not like touching 0.94

00:13:08.480 like skin on skin which is kind of cool like you know have a little bib you'd have like a plan like

00:13:13.680 that i remember i walked past the same door the next day and i saw her and my first thought was i

00:13:17.760 wonder if she remembers me wow and she didn't no way i walked right past her i i like didn't like

00:13:23.280 wave or anything but i walked extra slow because in my head like how cool would that be

00:13:29.760 yeah right she's with another man what if she remembers anybody from those years you know because 0.87

00:13:35.040 i think to them it's probably i would love to be able to talk to one of those that'd be a really

00:13:38.480 good interview honestly that'd be really good to learn what it's like and like what is the turnover 0.93

00:13:43.120 like and then you have sex with them and now it's plug talk you know about that show plug talk 0.99

00:13:47.200 yeah yeah that's adam 22 yeah i think about that format all the time that's a crazy you just 1.00

00:13:53.120 interview you just interview a porn star yeah so tell me what it was like growing up in michigan 0.84

00:13:58.720 and then four minutes later just

00:14:01.920 like if if i host that show i would interview for i don't know 19 seconds and i'd be like cool let's 0.99

00:14:07.920 fuck yeah like to do an hour then to do ad reads tour dates like let me fuck that's crazy 0.99

00:14:17.200 oh dude to stop in the middle of fucking to talk about a vp in browser 1.00

00:14:23.920 bro that show is insane like imagine if you and i talk doc it is actually insane 0.98

00:14:30.880 it's insane ship station exactly it's imagine if you and i in three minutes had to start 0.98

00:14:36.800 fucking bro that would be crazy i think we're at that point now cut the lights i mean it's it's 0.91

00:14:42.240 crazy that that's what we have to compete with in podcasting like not only do shows like mine have 0.99

00:14:47.200 to compete with like amazing shows like yours and like tim dylan but i also have to compete with 0.98

00:14:52.320 shows where they fuck and there's hot chicks on it oh i know it's just crazy man like that's the 0.97

00:14:59.440 that's competition right now it's just where it is it's where you know everything's has like an old 0.99

00:15:04.960 only fans element yeah i think even at like in the future etsy you can buy nudes yeah i'm not shocked

00:15:11.280 man you can i think even on in the future i wonder if it'd be like you're at the grocery store and

00:15:16.640 you're like making a salad and you can like there's an option yeah for an extra you know three dollars

00:15:22.160 you can see somebody's yana just for 30 seconds you know yeah because sometimes it's just like an

00:15:28.160 add-on you know like at the end when i'm checking out it's like oh would you like to donate an extra

00:15:31.440 dollar for this local charity i'm like no but if it was a stripper named charity yeah now we're

00:15:36.000 talking yeah somebody's seeing an add-on tit like that could be a fun like think about that parking 0.97

00:15:41.440 guy at that old spot like if he's like oh 17 to park what the fuck you're 18 but you get to see a 0.97

00:15:45.520 tit yeah like all right i'll pull up yeah i'll park here for a little for a night or two slide 0.99

00:15:52.080 i'll stop by dude you know they just found a they they just found a bunch of gay fish somewhere 0.95

00:15:56.880 where was that at fish sticks huh i think it was just gay fish they had whatever it is pull that

00:16:03.360 up was it rainbow trout it could have been dude imagine being in a child someone calls you a 0.97

00:16:09.440 rainbow trout you're like what the fuck did i do it's on bro wait bonnaroo yeah if there's a place 0.91

00:16:15.600 a taxonomy of game oh bro if you call me a rainbow trout it's on site splash if i'm a fish it's on 0.99

00:16:22.000 on splash a taxonomy of day animals wow taxonomy is that where they stuff you when you're dead 0.69

00:16:30.720 uh tax taxidermy a lot of black people are getting stuffed now when they die 1.00

00:16:36.240 really yeah bring up a couple of stuffed uh these searches are crazy yeah well yeah it's not you it's 0.99

00:16:43.120 the fucking producers back there i think every podcast producer's laptop should be taken to the cia 0.98

00:16:49.520 to be studied it'll be like is jizz edible where is epstein located 2024 not clickbait 0.99

00:16:58.400 miley cyrus leaked nudes joe biden hog size question mark dude what did you find there's no there's some

00:17:08.240 there's stuff in a lot of brothers now uh at funerals no like at um there was a guy and he he was a black

00:17:16.080 dude he they like took his body to like a nightclub yes after he passed that's what i'm talking he was

00:17:21.440 like standing up in the club yeah that's what i have seen that a lot of honestly like it's kind of

00:17:27.280 cool but like imagine you like like spill a drink on him you're like oh wait bro black guy nightclub

00:17:33.520 dead body that's gonna bring up 136 000 in 3.7 seconds wait type in like dead body goes to a nightclub

00:17:43.840 yeah that's they had him like propped up and they're like playing his music yeah that was it

00:17:49.200 do you know what you'd want to wear in a casket are you gonna go cremation well i want to get vaped

00:17:53.840 do you you want to go what like put me in like a jewel and then like get me out like if you can get 0.99

00:17:58.640 cremated can i get fucking you know yeah i think vape to be hilarious i wouldn't mind on being almost 0.99

00:18:05.360 like um blackened or whatever or like um pecan crusted oh pecan crusted so people roll up and 0.99

00:18:11.520 like wow that's pretty cool oh yeah around you yeah like a blackened salmon is really good oh so good

00:18:17.600 i think if you did something dead rapper's body yeah i think this is it propped up in club for

00:18:23.440 disrespectful public viewing i don't know if it's disrespectful i don't think so either a lot of

00:18:28.160 yeah there is well he's got a mirror on yeah definitely so he obviously uh he's a big fan of

00:18:34.640 the show power dude he's just in the club dead where else do you want to be though i guess imagine

00:18:43.440 if the dj didn't know he's dead he's like yo put your hands up he's just like oh nothing all right 0.99

00:18:48.160 man fuck you too then yeah he just can't do it it costs extra to get his hands right he's got two 0.96

00:18:53.280 put behind um but that's the kind of thing i think you're going to start seeing more if you're going 1.00

00:18:58.400 to start to see people want to be seen they want attention there's not as much respect for being

00:19:04.240 dead as there used to be no i mean most people have the amount of cremations gone up i'm really

00:19:09.360 curious about that the annual number of cremations in the united states is expected to rise from 1.91

00:19:16.480 million in 2022 and why do you think that is 2.26 million by 2030 and a 2.94 million google search

00:19:23.120 what is the cremation trend in 2023 what is this a fucking tick tock and i guess people have less 0.85

00:19:28.800 faith and stuff now they're not involved with the church because wasn't that a lot do you think

00:19:32.000 that's one of the reasons like why people get cremated cremation made in the united states from

00:19:38.800 1960 to 2035 how much does it cost to get cremated oh look at this

00:19:43.200 those are good numbers well it's unbelievable 1960 was 3.56 uh cremation rate that also looks

00:19:52.000 like every chart ever in the world ever invented it's actually a really good point is that they

00:19:56.240 could have just put anything on that 2035 says 77.8 percent how much does it cost to get cremated

00:20:03.200 and is there like a group rate um i think there's like a chart like wait it's like a thousand direct

00:20:10.640 cremation cost comparison in the top 10 cities in us so if you want to get cremated in la

00:20:17.360 you're looking at 1655 or low cost wait there is why is there a low cost how what do they do with

00:20:24.880 a bic lighter what the fuck's the difference dude yeah it's low cost it's like the uber pool you're in 0.68

00:20:30.880 there with a bunch of other dudes yeah it's just it's a little bit of a mix yeah exactly 0.91

00:20:35.440 what do you think it is you get the bag back and it has like braces in it or something you're like

00:20:40.880 god is this a sketcher i would i want i kind of want both like maybe half this is what i'm doing

00:20:46.160 i'm gonna do half my body cremation half uh is going to be casket so it looks like i'm still in

00:20:51.120 a casket because i still want to be like spread somewhere top cast top is casket body yeah and what

00:20:56.960 was the cost of the half cost nick maybe like a centaur or something the price of what the half

00:21:03.600 cost the cheaper one like 955 955 for that cheaper i still want to be spread somewhere but like i also

00:21:09.840 want to be buried yeah i think you get both options oh this would be sick dude so your top half is

00:21:14.880 coffin open coffin exactly that's what i'm saying right yeah and you could just do like that or

00:21:18.960 something yeah yeah do you throw up the blood sign yeah or even just put one of these down here so your

00:21:23.360 buddies want to see it bro that would be so and then have like a note on the casket that's like

00:21:27.520 open for a surprise and you're like oh what is that maybe his favorite belt buckle just like this

00:21:32.000 one of those right there could you imagine that'd be so yeah you have to bro that would be the 0.97

00:21:36.720 fucking best and then the bottom half you totally cremated bro and if you can offer the ladies if 0.96

00:21:42.400 they want to take some home they can take a little bit like a little key bump something yeah take a 0.99

00:21:46.400 fucking key bump and it's extra for the crotch area exactly exactly or i would do like i would put 0.99

00:21:52.320 like the paraplegic legs on me so when i go to heaven people think that like oh he fought in a 0.99

00:21:56.720 war i'm like oh no i just wanted to be spreading sand you're like a warist gump or something like

00:22:01.680 what are you talking about you think people just are gonna give you more props in heaven yeah you're

00:22:08.000 handicapped yeah well if i have paraplegic leg like fake legs like it's definitely a showstopper but

00:22:14.560 you're gonna have angel wings the legs are just gonna slow you down you're flying so now you're just

00:22:18.560 this angel yeah but if i take them off i'm so light oh yeah that's true but then i forgot my

00:22:23.360 legs yeah that'd be uh lose lose yeah door dash baby that's what it is when you want something just

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00:24:52.960 yeah but i would go cremation ways down there's got to be options where what is the difference i wonder

00:24:58.800 between the higher cost of cremation and the lower cost maybe like a finer grain like when you ground

00:25:04.880 coffee beans you can do like espresso or you can do like a more coarse one maybe it's like a finer grain

00:25:09.040 like an americano yeah exactly where would you want your ashes to be spread 1.00

00:25:15.520 dude i would spread them in some rich assholes fucking house probably yeah just randomly the yard 1.00

00:25:22.320 just somewhere like somebody who would like it would bother them you know yeah like somebody you 1.00

00:25:28.160 just want to get under their skin a little bit you'll never leave them that's good maybe give a

00:25:32.640 little give a half ounce to your kids or something if they can spread it yeah hopefully keep you know

00:25:38.880 i would do like a like a modern day anthrax maybe like put in somebody's mail oh i love that

00:25:45.600 anthrax still around or did fentanyl take it anthrax uh it's yeah i guess fentanyl totally took

00:25:53.600 its job damn yeah people were getting gotten like a macy's catalog with anthrax yeah oh yeah it was 0.81

00:26:01.120 just the mail oh yeah you definitely a perfume sample and you're dead you're like oh an east bay 0.99

00:26:05.440 magazine two huffs of dior and you're fucking yeah exactly what happened with that i'm not saying like 0.96

00:26:14.000 bring it back but like where'd it go no i'm just saying bro that people would pop up in a johnson 0.97

00:26:18.480 and murphy catalog and they couldn't fucking the eddie bauer catalog is fucking you up so on there i 0.99

00:26:23.920 said the top places to get uh cremated oh popular places to scatter ashes this is interesting i'm 0.95

00:26:31.040 sure somebody's spread it at a theo von show for sure i think somebody spread it i think 100 bro what

00:26:38.240 about that story or something definitely yeah maybe something could have happened what about that story

00:26:43.280 remember there was a day a girl went to a dane cook show and disappeared after it you ever see

00:26:49.200 that oh no i didn't yeah it's on this episode of this show disappeared and if you like shows about

00:26:54.480 people just when that are missing and everything and i love that kind of stuff i love missing people

00:26:59.440 and but that yeah can you find that nick she got kidnapped or she just went missing they don't know

00:27:06.160 bro and she was a huge jane cook fan went to his show and a lot of people like thought he had

00:27:11.360 something to do with it did he ever speak publicly on it i don't know he had a whole bit about it get a

00:27:16.960 bit on it yes we can't do a bit on you can't monetize a missing person but you have to i think

00:27:22.800 you do something as an homage oh maybe an homage yeah that's true but it's like god that would be so

00:27:29.520 crazy somebody went missing after bro people have definitely gone missing after one of your shows

00:27:34.240 probably somebody just fucking disappeared from their like family but they're still alive 0.88

00:27:38.560 like i think they just dipped on their wife or something somebody fell through a portal in a 0.98

00:27:42.640 vape shop after one of your shows bro definitely a couple of duis for sure for sure yeah i've had

00:27:48.160 people uh text me afterwards like had a great time your show got a dui yeah i've had that it's

00:27:53.280 like yeah at least you made a home um but yeah there was this big thing i was seeing somewhere like

00:27:59.040 that about uh gay fish online did you was there anything on that nick it's just a lot of kanye south

00:28:11.280 park revolt results but okay dude once we start eating gay fish dude we are i think tilapia might 0.82

00:28:19.920 be up there i think because tilapia is just like a mixture of like fish isn't it tilapia is like a

00:28:25.280 definitely like a gangbang of fish like right that's what i'm saying i've never heard of you

00:28:28.400 never seen like oh look at the tilapia never been at the san diego zoo oh they got tilapias here oh

00:28:32.960 they keep making fake fish dude every like i've talked about this many times like every five months

00:28:38.080 like oh check out this the barramundi you know or the white fish or the oh we fish or the uh yeah

00:28:45.280 or the go fish dude yeah just never ends didn't uh isn't tilapia like made in a farm like it's like not a

00:28:51.680 normal like it's not it's like it's not bred in the wild yeah i've never seen i've never seen like

00:28:58.000 somebody catch a tilapia at all let me see tilapia is the common name for nearly a hundred species

00:29:03.920 of fish yeah it's kind of like just a mutt of a yeah they're mainly freshwater fish inhabiting shallow 0.95

00:29:09.840 streams yeah they're fucking total crack fish dude it's as if somebody took a net and just picked up

00:29:18.000 everything at skid row kind of and made like a it's like a bologna fish yes bologna is like five 0.98

00:29:24.240 different animals in one right oh bologna is um yeah bologna should be on episode of plug talk i feel 0.95

00:29:30.800 like it's fucking just been it's one of the girls they interviewed yeah but bologna is fucking delicious 1.00

00:29:35.920 i don't know what it is what do you talk about on a show before you know you have to fuck that's 0.99

00:29:41.280 what's so funny to me it's like a 30 minute or an hour long episode and they're just like talking 0.96

00:29:47.040 about their upbringing and then they're just it's so it blows it fascinates me and my favorite part

00:29:54.240 and i know adam and and they're really nice to me and everything yeah same man i've been on his show

00:29:58.640 yeah yeah but they have like the the wired headphone like the ted talk headphone while they're having sex

00:30:05.680 maybe but during the interview so which it makes the interview seem so much more pro prolific to be like

00:30:12.000 so tell me about you said you are a big fan of smooth r&b

00:30:19.200 and then he just has that on um

00:30:24.080 this was it yeah it was a guy that went missing oh oh kyle's mom had just been diagnosed with cancer

00:30:29.520 he and his mom vowed to beat the cancer together just days before her first surgery kyle took his

00:30:33.440 sister noelle um and his mother barbara for a special treat to a dane cook comedy concert to lift her

00:30:39.840 spirits he was in a great mood after the show kyle tells his mom that he and some friends are heading

00:30:44.560 to a popular bar in uptown charlotte um

00:30:50.160 anything else keep looking on that nick though or see if zach can because something happened it's

00:30:56.560 on an episode of disappeared a girl left a dane cook show every time disappeared episode dane cook

00:31:01.440 yeah there you go that's why you're a producer man um yeah what else dude what else been going

00:31:08.880 on man how are you i know your special came out bro so good really bro thank you man i was really

00:31:13.600 happy with yours stavros's are ones that i really liked um but yeah yours was just this just it keeps

00:31:20.880 going like the material keeps going it's fast it's punchy i think you have to do that on the tv ones

00:31:25.680 yeah yeah i wanted it to look really good and i had a a lot of my sketches have like a camera like

00:31:30.480 zooms in a bunch like like on the lens so i had somebody at the special just solely zooming in a bunch

00:31:35.680 and there's three shows so i was like here's the beast on the jokes for these jokes i'm gonna look

00:31:39.760 at that camera and like when i look we should like meet like the zoom in the middle so like 0.63

00:31:43.680 there was just somebody just the whole time just fucking giving arthritis to the guy himself just 0.92

00:31:47.680 cranking away on that on that sony but yeah i wanted it to have a good retention and just like

00:31:52.320 look good i think it was a great first special i i think it's it's so good it's not like the most

00:31:57.440 fucking goaded special in the world but like i was really happy with it and i think a lot of people 0.64

00:32:01.600 liked it oh dude 100 man um but are any of them i mean some of them are good it's hard to make one 0.90

00:32:08.640 perfect it's so hard to make comedy onto a special like as opposed to seeing it in person it's not

00:32:14.000 even the same thing it's not even close i mean it's not even the same thing at all it's almost a

00:32:18.480 travesty to do it really in a way yeah it doesn't even compare to be close it's like when you're

00:32:23.440 watching a stand-up show you're watching anybody in the back of your room you're always like permanently

00:32:26.480 smiling like you're just static holding a smile yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah so you're like constantly

00:32:32.400 just like laughing and smiling you're watching at home you're just in like this you're like you start

00:32:36.880 with the frown yeah so you have to work out of a like ditch yeah there's just yeah you're at home 0.99

00:32:42.400 you're fucking you're hiding from your wife in the garage or whatever or you're one of your kids 0.99

00:32:47.840 wants to love you or whatever and you can't handle it or something but yeah you're just frowning 1.00

00:32:52.400 you're just supposed to like yeah i think somebody put it the best way to me is a special all it is

00:32:57.200 is just a giant commercial for your touring where you're like hey this is a glimpse of what a show

00:33:01.840 looks like here's what i do for people live last year so this is like what a trevor wallace or

00:33:07.440 theo vaughn show would look like got it and i mean you're doing arenas dude so like everything is 0.91

00:33:12.000 helping i mean you're fucking you're crushing right now yeah we've been it's definitely been having 0.97

00:33:15.360 fun man thanks you're australia i was out there um in november no you've been yeah or no yeah 0.99

00:33:21.040 i've been it's just been about four years though okay because of kobe but i'm stoked bro i'm gonna

00:33:24.400 go back again even like i think maybe later this year really and do like perth and some other shows

00:33:30.400 oh yeah perth is you've been to perth right yeah we just didn't put it on there this it just the way

00:33:35.040 it put together it was just like well perth is also like five hours from everywhere else yeah people

00:33:38.880 don't realize and me when i say people i mean myself i didn't realize it's the same size as the u.s

00:33:42.720 essentially when they're like our flight from sydney to perth is like five hours i was like

00:33:47.200 how what are we fucking driving what's happening what bus is this it's a massive area and bro they 0.97

00:33:54.160 got some fucking trans animals over there dog yeah have you seen that quokka bring oh yeah bring that 1.00

00:34:01.200 thing up dude yeah those are those are that thing will slurp a tit right i think he's fresh off some 1.00

00:34:06.000 poppers the quokkas off the poppers right there bro that's bro you're telling me this animal that's a 1.00

00:34:13.760 pixar animal in real life ain't off of perk 30 right you're telling me on god's earth they say

00:34:21.520 they have like the best cocaine out there and like yeah that's proof of it bro look at that 0.96

00:34:25.520 quokkane homie there ain't not a chance he's eating that fucking cocoa leaf right there look 1.00

00:34:31.760 at that dude and they're all in good shape they got good bodies yeah they're doing drugs they're 0.99

00:34:35.600 jack too he's eating a leaf bro he thinks it's a fucking shaking shag burger oh man dude what's 1.00

00:34:40.720 a wiener look like on one of those things buddy pull that up nicky okay what's a penis there you go 1.00

00:34:50.960 let's see that oh damn shoulda get that little bird house he's running huh 1.00

00:34:56.560 is that a baby one oh they have pouches too god that's so cool maybe look for a drawing of it nick 0.98

00:35:02.880 oh yeah the uh the kangaroos have weird dongs they got that cruella they look like uh you know 1.00

00:35:10.080 like uh harry potter sticks yeah and that's so crazy yeah they're weird i was at the have you

00:35:16.960 been in the kangaroo park in uh i think brisbane yeah yeah i went there and they're and they're

00:35:21.120 weird they're just hopping around all fucking jacked up and you can't tell if they're gonna beat the 0.94

00:35:25.360 fuck out of you or be cool with you yeah it's almost like being around like ufc fighters yeah 0.97

00:35:30.160 dude that's so true i was at this thing with burton tom recently and nate diaz was there no really it's 1.00

00:35:36.080 like he's one of those guys if you look eyes for too long you're like we're either about to kiss or

00:35:39.360 he's about to kill me yeah he is really cool like it's super intimidating yeah well a lot of great

00:35:45.360 marriages have started with even as a beating the stockton kangaroo right there this is crazy 0.86

00:35:51.280 though oh is he from stockton yeah dude a lot of missing people in stockton you gotta

00:35:57.040 stockton is an interesting place oh there's some people are just you're like you can even go to

00:36:01.600 like hey are you missing and people like yeah how did you know yeah it's so weird that stockton's in

00:36:07.680 california there's a lot of people in stockton that are using like calling cards still and you're like

00:36:14.000 what's going on it's like a piece of new jersey in california yeah people are like hey can you help

00:36:18.160 me get it to a pay phone and you're like yeah everybody's got carburetors on them yeah just

00:36:23.040 like you're just shocked at like some of the like people have been crossing time zones and stuff you

00:36:29.680 know yeah um but great place great place oh no it's fun dude it's a fun place and people love it and um

00:36:40.400 yeah i think disney's gonna be doing a thing up there too

00:36:42.800 even imagine hey goofy like hey goofy dog you trying to box or what you know dude i would watch

00:36:54.320 that dude for sure watch when i went to school in tucson arizona they had uh in the car washes all the 0.75

00:37:01.520 like um first of all i had to i went there and i had to take uh spanish right and all the kids in

00:37:06.960 there college and this was in high school okay all the kids that were mexicans so they would all just 0.99

00:37:11.200 like so he's calling me like uh fagoto or whatever you know in spanish or just different things you

00:37:16.800 know and uh and i was the only one paying attention it was just like me and the teacher just having a

00:37:21.760 one-on-one right i was the only white dude they would have um like gang things would happen at

00:37:28.000 lunch they have to have the alarm go off you have to lay down and like just eat your sandwich 0.99

00:37:31.840 like an earthquake drill yeah just like that was it earthquake drill or gang shit gang 0.99

00:37:36.160 shit gang shit does pop off oh dude it would happen yeah it would happen a lot and you'd have 1.00

00:37:41.760 to lay down and just eat your burger and then that uh the for real fucking vatos las violencias 1.00

00:37:49.920 they would have um fights in the car wash after school and after like it's a good place oh after 0.97

00:37:56.400 a certain amount that got somebody would break them out the thing and just spray it down and that would

00:38:00.000 be the end of the fight that's pretty cool dude it's kind of a you know a bit of tradition it's

00:38:03.840 almost like being at the rodeo kind of you know it's fun you get to like leave there with a

00:38:06.880 shower so even if your ass beat you're like ready to party and sometimes you see the rainbow in the 0.79

00:38:11.440 mist you know and then you're like your hair blow dry at the end my spanish teacher she had a really 0.99

00:38:16.400 soft voice so she would talk with a speaker box attached to her hip and she had like a microphone 1.00

00:38:21.520 like plug talk she had a microphone and it would project her voice and i used to take my dad's uh

00:38:26.320 my dad had hip surgery and he got prescribed vicodin and he was allergic to him so he didn't take

00:38:30.800 him so i would just sneak a vicodin every once in a while before spanish class so i would just be

00:38:35.520 fucking biked out listening to ricky martin 2.0 just blasting away dude and she would just be 0.96

00:38:44.640 dude it was so good i have like vivid memories of her class 9 a.m and i would smoke before class 0.98

00:38:50.640 sometimes yeah and i didn't know spanish at all so just being high off of perkset hearing spanish i was

00:38:55.840 like i think this is like how duolingo was invented like i just remember sitting there just

00:39:00.400 nodding my head like there was music on just being like something this is good yeah yeah dude she's

00:39:07.120 great dude yeah our uh spanish teacher one of them was like a reformed gangster oh so all the spanish 0.99

00:39:13.600 they taught us was like about fucking funeralis and like fucking um coyotes and all kind of bloody 0.98

00:39:19.920 knuckles and shit oh yeah it was a lot of it was very violent and um then we had this other guy uh 0.99

00:39:26.880 senior vliet was his name in mandeville and if you made a casserole right casserole 0.99

00:39:34.800 as a gift if you brought it to school you got i'm not even joking that's the craziest thing 0.97

00:39:39.600 50 000 bonus points what is this fucking whose line is it anyways just giving out insane points for 1.00

00:39:46.960 nobody it was crazy dude you could be a complete failure in the class you could be pregnant you 1.00

00:39:52.800 could not have a head or hands you could be in the class and have like a five your grade could be a

00:40:00.000 11 points you graduate early because of a casserole and you show up on casserole day bro oh it was a day 0.99

00:40:06.640 75 000 bonus points they had the most random shit for extra credit sometimes they get like a little 0.79

00:40:12.640 sexual like oh bring him his favorite hostess cookie and we'll give you some points go get it 0.99

00:40:18.400 yeah they just had a teacher i was looking at what was that thing that we saw

00:40:22.880 there was also always a pregnant girl in pe oh dude be 16 she's like oh i can't run the mile i'm 0.96

00:40:27.840 pregnant i was like i'm fucking jealous um oh i lost the spelling bee to a pregnant girl 0.99

00:40:33.760 do you remember the word yep inconvenience which was what she had dude a fucking inconvenience of 1.00

00:40:41.520 a child hey look yeah yeah how many letters in you realize that she probably had to spell that 0.99

00:40:48.160 word because she fucking says it so goddamn much she's like fuck i can't drink sailor jerry's 1.00

00:40:52.960 because i got this inconvenience do you remember like now use it in a sentence she's like jeremy 0.99

00:40:58.960 left me with an inconvenience do you remember what letter you made it to yeah i messed up

00:41:05.760 the e and the i or the i and the e that's a tricky one and i was so happy she did helena was her name

00:41:10.960 and she was she was uh pregnant and she kind of looked pregnant even if she wasn't pregnant okay 0.99

00:41:18.320 she just like she had the attitude for it she just yeah she was ready to just hatch something 1.00

00:41:23.600 it's kind of nice if you're pregnant you just get like nine months of like the world is your 0.98

00:41:26.960 bitch like you could just you go to the parking guy and be like no pregnant you could probably 1.00

00:41:32.400 get into the white house honestly i'm pregnant oh okay yeah they're like oh yeah yeah so let her 1.00

00:41:37.840 through they start saying yeah it's kind of crazy does tsa see the baby in you when they do the scanner

00:41:44.720 yeah and the baby's in there like this

00:41:46.000 um what do we have what was that they didn't have a thing about a teacher i'll bring it back up

00:41:58.400 yeah an arizona teacher was uh fired for her only fans account and you might recognize

00:42:03.040 rachel dozo that's rachel dolezal dude they said once you go black you never come back

00:42:08.720 not the case with her okay she's teaching right now yeah in tucson do you see this oh no way those are

00:42:15.280 your people rachel dolezal who goes by nkechi diallo which i'm gonna say i'm gonna limp nkechi diallo sounds

00:42:23.520 back and way black like not even american black diallo that sounds like um kenyan lost her job

00:42:36.080 with the catalina foothill school district wow was teaching kids that as an after-school instructor 0.94

00:42:40.640 who was under fire in 2014 accused of misidentifying herself as black while serving as the head of the

00:42:44.960 naacp look first of all if someone wants to do a job and do it well i don't think you should not

00:42:52.000 let them do it because of their ethnicity that goes against what the whole program's even trying 0.68

00:42:57.360 to say it feels like but what else happened to her is she twerking in that video no is that the video

00:43:03.120 that like got her fired oh yeah someone screen grabbed a video no somebody all the kids did

00:43:08.880 oh dude i swear i thought i saw her at the gym this morning oh wow yeah she's showing that oyster 1.00

00:43:16.960 dressing right there bro she's like for that extra credit right there there's her casserole um yeah 0.98

00:43:23.120 we only learned of miss nkechi diallo everybody knows who that is though like she'd walk in class 0.79

00:43:29.200 and be like oh miss diallo that's rachel dolezal also like just do only fans you don't need to be a

00:43:35.920 teacher yeah that's a good point but i think you have to get this is messed up but where are you

00:43:41.600 gonna get your clientele if you don't go to school looking hot bro no way you don't go to dude if you

00:43:49.920 had your hot teacher you tell me if she had an only fan yeah miss saffron and you could go home after

00:43:55.760 school or even be sitting in class looking at her teaching and then you look on your phone she has

00:44:01.840 like a qr code on like her shirt or something i think if i was a substitute teacher that's how i'd

00:44:06.080 recruit yeah you know just be like oh here's what you do you go to pull up a presentation and then

00:44:11.200 it's accidentally your only fans page you're like oh my god i'm so sorry and then you see all the

00:44:16.240 kids snap it i mean maybe that is a better way because now that this story is out her only fans is

00:44:21.120 only gonna get higher so maybe you get fired as this is all pr i support her man i would i wonder if

00:44:26.880 she'd be interesting to talk to because um definitely so diallo has a public social media

00:44:32.400 page where she has linkedin only fans page um it doesn't say what school she was at catalina

00:44:39.040 that is a school actually catalina foothills in tucson yeah it was fancy too i think it's messed

00:44:45.360 up well here's part of the problem is we're not paying the teachers no so what are you expecting to

00:44:50.080 do i don't think like pay it's crazy that your teacher right the person who's helping guide your

00:44:56.480 child youth of america has to show their uh labia to get their bills paid yeah they want to get the

00:45:04.560 scented crayola markers they gotta show a little that's crazy it's crazy though and then it's crazy 0.99

00:45:10.640 the parents are then like no fuck that you know like at least that teacher i think is entrepreneurial 0.99

00:45:16.880 yeah she should be teaching a business class yeah they should be firing the whatever they're 1.00

00:45:22.080 and whoever chooses the salaries for the school people i did always like when the teachers like

00:45:26.880 would spend their own money and like let the class know they would always let the kids know and be

00:45:30.320 like this was out of miss eckertson's budget you're you know yeah i went to target myself on sunday 0.92

00:45:35.440 and bought these markers oh shit hell yeah so if miss dolezal or sorry to say government name 1.00

00:45:41.840 miss diallo i'm catching is popping some puss but getting some you know scented markers yeah 0.99

00:45:48.320 i don't see a problem here look now if she merges the two and sells some scented markers at school 1.00

00:45:53.280 that are scented like her that's big money gwyneth paltrow had a vagina candle did you ever see that 1.00

00:45:59.440 yeah the vaginals or whatever vaginals um but it's it is crazy how people are having to do like 0.97

00:46:05.280 everybody's having to do only fans you know you'll see like the doordash guy his girlfriend's

00:46:09.600 sitting there in the passenger seat and she's filming her but yeah like on a stream camp so 0.99

00:46:15.520 they can make money to go home and take care of their family to buy their family a fucking sack of 0.96

00:46:22.480 warm um jack-in-the-box yeah they have to drive for 12 hours a day and she's up there live streaming 0.99

00:46:30.240 two coot shots that just pays for like 47 dashes it's just crazy that it's all happening kind of

00:46:36.000 exciting though university of wisconsin lacrosse chancellor says he was fired over pornographic

00:46:41.520 videos made with his wife this happened in my hometown over christmas and uh they had a cooking

00:46:46.880 channel and they would make a dish and then they would have sex they would make a dish 0.99

00:46:52.160 wait really can we see like what yeah yeah one sec that's awesome that's uh that's fucking ratatouille 0.99

00:47:00.400 talk right there yeah i think i mean every teacher is no different than anyone else like they're all 0.99

00:47:06.160 pieces of shit not pieces of shit but they're all like they're all adults i remember in seventh grade 0.98

00:47:10.960 i saw my teacher that's a crazy correlation well so every yeah every teacher is a regular just a 1.00

00:47:16.800 fucking person right i saw my seventh grade english teacher after school one day buying a handle of 0.85

00:47:21.120 pop-off vodka me and my friend matt saw her and she looked over and saw us and immediately like turn 0.98

00:47:26.000 she's just buying pop-off vodka at a cvs dude i remember we had a teacher who like her shirt i 1.00

00:47:32.880 swear they like put it on like what's like the way it would like just hold her chest and everything

00:47:40.160 it was just if she had an only fans we would have spent i would have raked every yard in my

00:47:46.080 neighborhood you know how high my grades probably would have been oh yeah or bad so you got to stay

00:47:51.040 after class get the attention i mean it's great pr honestly it's not a great society to live in but it's

00:47:55.840 great it's great pr if you teach at a local school for like three years now all of a sudden miss

00:48:00.560 robertson is like oh dropped an only fans like those three years were just promo yeah that's 0.59

00:48:05.440 fucking smart move dolazow i like it man um dude did you know uh down syndrome people can't walk 0.85

00:48:14.080 backwards can you look that up uh yeah and then i want to see that video that's crazy and they can't 0.99

00:48:20.560 walk backwards uh uh wait isn't there wait horses can't do that either is that

00:48:30.400 yeah down syndrome people can't walk backwards yeah

00:48:35.680 so you have to do kind of like a 360. like how many moonwalking ds people have you seen

00:48:41.440 to be honest

00:48:47.600 you know you know dude you might be honest with that if we find out if we could train and it's

00:48:54.480 impossible but they have the heart to do it oh if anybody's got the heart to moonwalk in 2024

00:49:00.400 it's gonna be uh one of our ds brethrens oh if we don't have a down center president by 2034

00:49:07.440 then i think we have we're not doing it right i think there should be a gang like ds13 that should 0.97

00:49:14.720 be hard that'd be crazy that'd be hard dog i'm gonna fucking hug you to death yeah they're so nice 0.96

00:49:21.680 man oh the best well they have a great coffee shop too in dc now that's all um down syndrome people 0.99

00:49:26.160 working there there's a down syndrome guy i think it's just yeah that down syndrome people can't walk

00:49:30.960 backwards but we have a guy uh who came on here chris nickich and we talked about him a lot but he won

00:49:35.520 uh or he completed the iron man really he's down syndrome he can do more i mean he's more physically

00:49:42.320 gifted than you and i will ever be yeah so i mean he ran like 400 miles or something wow and they are

00:49:50.000 stronger no is that i'd love to check back in with him that'd be cool huh nick yeah on a solo episode

00:49:57.600 yeah let's just see how he's doing if he's still competing he's doing only fans too

00:50:04.560 yeah but that's where it's at now it's sad you know but then i guess it's like you're in control

00:50:10.800 of it so maybe it's not sad maybe my view of it is sad do you think it's sad or do you think it's okay

00:50:16.160 like maybe you're right maybe we put this negative connotation on it like if my teacher has an awesome

00:50:21.760 body or a body that i want to see or she likes showing it off and twerking or whatever no i 0.98

00:50:26.880 don't think i think we passed the point like maybe in the beginning it might have been a little sad but

00:50:29.840 i think everybody has even growing up one of my friends this kid peter had a photo of his mom naked

00:50:35.680 in the house oh yeah and that was like you know that was free only fans back then because we would see

00:50:41.520 that and i still can remember that like visual but she's doing that for free just show like imagine 1.00

00:50:46.800 one day we all go to his house for sleepover and she accidentally's like oops i left this website open

00:50:50.720 yeah what's your email and credit card and cvv and now we're signing up for it i think everybody's

00:50:55.920 mom has been naked in a photo somewhere so you might as well monetize it yeah i think as long as

00:51:00.960 it doesn't interrupt with like what you're i don't know i don't see a problem with it there's this cooking

00:51:07.120 couple and they cook and then oh this is on porn hub this is legitimate so wait this these people were

00:51:14.720 from your hometown yeah he was the chancellor at uwl and they found out and he got fired and now he's

00:51:20.000 probably gonna sue because he says they like it was his first amendment rights yeah you know i kind

00:51:26.960 of i i don't think that it's wrong you know if people were gonna do what they want to do i think

00:51:34.480 it might be a little strange here's the strange part is if kids can go and see you doing something

00:51:40.880 that's pretty pretty graphic that ain't good for kids no no i yeah i mean doing this for 20 000 views 0.96

00:51:48.320 definitely fire him for sure i mean if this was like 10 million dude fuck yeah now he's got a 0.95

00:51:53.200 career i think he's trying to sue to make headlines dude high school was freaking nuts bro yeah dude 0.98

00:51:58.240 there's two teachers that started dating they both got divorced and started dating in my uh in my

00:52:03.280 middle school and like it was like remember when viral was just like word of mouth like that's what

00:52:08.480 it was everybody's like dude one was a home ec one was a history teacher yeah so they were getting

00:52:14.240 historical in that place dude remember when viral was just some dude yelling something in the hallway

00:52:20.480 yeah or like one guy did something in like math class he like threw a wad of soap and toilet paper

00:52:26.160 to the ceiling and then everybody heard about at lunch that was viral like damn ricky wadded up the

00:52:31.680 science bro yeah dude what a legend dude it was easy to be a legend back then oh it's so easy to be a 0.96

00:52:38.160 legend you could do anything we had these dumb high school pranks we take ketchup packets and we put them 0.71

00:52:42.000 under the toilet seat someone somebody would go to sit down and shoot at the back of their legs 0.98

00:52:48.080 dude now that i think about it i would kill myself if i was at lunch or if i was trying to 0.95

00:52:55.040 pee in between spanish class i'm off a vicodin and i get shot by heinz 57 in the kneecaps i'm taking my 0.99

00:53:02.400 own life bro there's nothing gayer for some reason than the back of your leg dude well you walk into

00:53:09.840 class someone goes like do you something like ketchup i'm like but really even when you just 0.99

00:53:14.160 touch the back of your leg it feels like it does it feels like you could fuck it yeah it feels like 0.99

00:53:19.120 it's been fucking meeting guys somewhere it's been waiting for it but like imagine like trying to wipe 0.99

00:53:23.840 that off oh it feels like feel kind of doesn't it does it feels more expensive yeah yeah yeah a little 0.99

00:53:29.680 tender yeah dude if you touch the back of your legs man it just feels more expensive yeah that's maybe

00:53:34.880 what that's the part that i think if i had a casket the open casket that had cremation i'd have

00:53:39.280 that down there like bone marrow type thing oh yeah i like that like a dip yeah yeah yeah yeah i love

00:53:44.960 that if you're open casket definitely chips and everything around you yeah because you don't want

00:53:50.240 people to have to come up and feel like they can't stay and look at you that's the thing that i did hate

00:53:54.080 sometimes like it was horrible to see somebody sometimes open casket but you felt like you only got like

00:53:59.600 two seconds and then it was wasn't cool of you and you had to go back and cry like by those chairs

00:54:06.640 and stuff yeah because yeah some people you want to get back in line you know oh that's true that's

00:54:13.200 true i would maybe do like sunglasses or or maybe like i don't know yeah but def put a perk 30 on

00:54:20.720 somebody if you go to their open casket yeah i'll do something put it right on their lapel or something

00:54:24.960 put it in dad's hand something nobody knows you tuck it back in this episode is sponsored by blue 0.97

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00:55:32.240 podcast this episode is sponsored by better help that's right if you have been struggling

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00:56:35.840 better h-e-l-p better help dot com slash theo um bro you know what those the craziest in high

00:56:46.160 school were those people that came and did like the anti-drug performances that or the the dui guy

00:56:53.440 do you have like a dui guy yeah we had all we had this dude maestro mac was his name right he he

00:57:00.560 taught something he taught something at our school right and suddenly he showed up one day and he was

00:57:07.760 just in like wrestling like you like shorts or a unitard or something and he would oh he would say 0.89

00:57:16.400 like karate my body and then he would just break a fucking brick or something with his hand right and 0.98

00:57:21.840 everybody's like what is this anti-drug because this makes me want to do coke yeah this makes me want to do 0.96

00:57:27.360 drugs dude the craziest part was too like one time um he uh he had like a bunch of wood or whatever

00:57:36.000 right um that he was gonna break you know and and the shop teacher would always get pissed because 0.61

00:57:41.120 he'd be like he'd be jealous that he had all this spare wood he'd be like we're fucking we're we have 0.92

00:57:45.920 nothing building out of mechanical pencils over here it's crazy it was crazy bro because the shop 0.90

00:57:51.600 teachers they would always steal like these wooden like parts by the baseball field that had

00:57:55.680 advertisements on them yeah and then you'd see like bird houses like a month later and they would 0.97

00:58:00.480 they'd all have like uh auto glass or something like on the side of it like what the fuck yeah dude 0.74

00:58:06.480 made in stockton but that dude he one time maestro mac um yeah people were like like 9 a.m too it was

00:58:14.800 like you'd get to class and they'd be like oh we're not doing class today we're learning about

00:58:18.800 an assembly yeah we're doing assembly and it's about no drugs and this guy his wife would go out and

00:58:23.600 light like two smoke bombs or whatever in the gym that's good and then he would like come running

00:58:28.240 out in between him it was so bizarre and then like the finale one time he uh she was uh hitting him in

00:58:35.760 the head with a broomstick right right like right to break it across his head and she hit him like 1.00

00:58:41.520 three times right and it didn't break and everybody you could see the cops start to kind of walk over a 0.94

00:58:47.600 little bit like the uh security guards and shit and um people started yelling one more time this 0.99

00:58:54.320 turns into wwe dana white's in there like one more you better fuck him up man so this is to prevent 1.00

00:59:00.480 drugs yeah i guess bro i was like and then she hit him three more times he just bleeding everywhere and 0.98

00:59:06.320 they and then they shut it down dude the best drug prevention should just be a guy who's really

00:59:10.400 coked out trying to pitch you on starting a podcast for like an hour and he just doesn't stop talking to

00:59:15.120 the whole auditorium he's like you don't get a man bluetooth vpn plug talk and he just keeps going

00:59:19.680 about it i would never do it yeah we had a dui one and they would make us put on these like goggles

00:59:25.280 that made it feel like you were drunk and then we get in a drive simulator i got pretty good at it

00:59:31.280 yeah dude because it just made me want to be like how good is this because they had to test it

00:59:36.640 somewhere i'm like they're just riffing this in a laboratory somewhere or they're sending out thomas

00:59:41.280 who's hammered off a couple steel reserves go drive the bronco around the block and see what

00:59:46.960 you get into and so wait it was like an oculus type of thing so it was yeah it looked like an

00:59:51.840 oculus but it was like look it up nick like lab coat like uh like plastic glasses but the vision it

00:59:57.360 just looked like like maybe glasses that your dad would wear they're really thick like but they were

01:00:01.360 just really bad eyesight that just blurred everything so every time i like drunk driver simulator like

01:00:07.280 uh goggles yeah they just look like that but they like yeah they just made you see really blurry but

01:00:15.360 it was like kind of fun to do it like 9 a.m all the football players were like this is how i drive to

01:00:21.040 practice fatal vision impairment goggles jesus the fatal vision alcohol goggles deliver memorable

01:00:28.640 lessons on topics like impaired driving underage drinking and other substance abuse issues

01:00:33.280 participants perform simple activities or sobriety tests without and then with the goggles

01:00:38.160 performing activities takes twice performing the activities twice lets participants experience

01:00:43.200 the performance while unimpaired and then impaired is this what you're talking about yeah i was like

01:00:47.200 these wow so yeah it would show like how drunk you were so you would feel drunker the second time

01:00:53.040 because the goggles just alter your kind of perception yeah so it kind of just looks like if you were

01:00:58.320 i'm trying to think like it just looked like you were looking at like really foggy glass almost

01:01:01.920 yeah um like a fun mirror type thing yeah but yeah we would do this like 9 a.m and a lot of times

01:01:07.840 they would bring like a mangled up car that was involved in an accident and they'd be like this was a car

01:01:12.560 so-and-so was in and then the guy's there to talk about it i'm like dude so you get a dui

01:01:16.480 and now you get to tour the u.s yeah doing like door deals with a high school

01:01:23.440 and they would always like have like somebody is spray painted like uh like trank like trank lord or

01:01:30.720 something on the car and there would be like a like a bloody cheerleader like hanging out of it 0.99

01:01:35.840 like they always had that shit yeah they'd paint the story and then you just go back to class after 0.98

01:01:40.560 that it'd be like time to learn about meiosis when we just learn about a guy who mangled a car with 0.99

01:01:45.920 his best friend in it now it's a really weird thing to give high schoolers at literally 9 a.m

01:01:52.080 bro it was that was an unbelievable time for high schoolers because it was really the time of day you

01:01:57.280 had just woken up yeah you hadn't been awake the first hour and a half you don't know what the 0.98

01:02:01.280 fuck you were doing you were happy you were just making sure you were alive 9 a.m you kind of pipe 0.97

01:02:06.000 up a little bit and they take you there and then the guy showing you like yeah his his handle is 0.99

01:02:11.520 like trank lord 5000 you're like we're supposed to follow this dude yeah i never really got the

01:02:19.440 i don't know like it would make me just feel really sad for the person that lost their life but i

01:02:23.440 don't know if it deterred me from drinking and driving yeah like the mom would be there and they were 0.73

01:02:26.960 like alejandro could have lived to be 20 and you're like only 20 like they would have like

01:02:34.320 he's still not even old enough to drink dude he's getting plastered off wine coolers sometimes the

01:02:40.560 exchange like rate yeah like the verbal exchange rate like with the person who would come in was

01:02:45.120 so weird that we had a guy officer bob and he was like the biggest cop they ever made right like they

01:02:52.160 really oh they put him in the car and then i swear i don't think he could get out of the car

01:02:56.720 for like years like he was literally had to live in the cop car she's like that famous he was that

01:03:02.080 big he was very big oh that okay and his weight had shut down um look up covington louisiana dare

01:03:10.480 officer uh bob bob and his weight had shut down even his windpipe like push like yeah and he'd be like

01:03:19.760 don't do drugs i love you guys you know but and if he pulled you over for a ticket he could you had

01:03:26.160 to walk back he just has license registration through the intercom oh it was known through

01:03:30.400 town you had to walk back and get the ticket from him yeah he just was too big he couldn't handle it

01:03:36.320 this might have been before they had uh photography the internet yeah maybe just go to images let's see

01:03:42.160 so funny i like seeing a fat cop you know they're just going against society norms yeah like i'll 0.94

01:03:51.200 still catch them you ever see a cop just being a cop like like living up to stereotype like at a 0.99

01:03:55.120 donut shop and you're like fuck yeah yeah dude live it up dude yeah it is pretty respectable man yeah 0.94

01:04:00.160 why not there's something nice about it yeah we've seen us so many great like that's one cool thing you 0.99

01:04:04.480 see at the shows now just with like watching the shows making sure everything after the show you get

01:04:08.960 to talk to the cops i'm like we threw out this guy we threw out like some dude urinated in a woman's

01:04:14.240 hair like uh thought it was a bathroom it was wasted what city i think it was pueblo colorado yeah

01:04:22.160 that high out of altivation altitude i can't even say yeah that's crazy some you know a child of a

01:04:28.720 couple of uh you know a couple of um gold miners or whatever yeah and this dude's just

01:04:34.800 splash scalping some bird and she said she sat there she didn't know what was going on and then

01:04:40.160 after a little while she like what's happening do you know uh people at taylor swift concerts there's

01:04:45.520 some girls that wear a diaper because they don't want to miss any of the concert so they'll just pee 1.00

01:04:48.880 themselves yeah they're doing it because i mean tickets are so expensive like a pee probably cost 0.93

01:04:53.440 them like 648 or something yeah it's 20 minutes of your time yeah so you might as well just pee your pants

01:04:58.960 on it honestly some twitter swift fans say they're wearing adult diapers to her shows so they don't

01:05:04.480 miss any songs it totally makes sense especially these days i think if anybody wears a diaper to my 0.68

01:05:08.640 show it's because they're gonna shit themselves from packing to me zens 1.00

01:05:13.120 the amount of times i see vape smoke in my crowds i fucking love it i anybody that comes out to see 0.98

01:05:18.880 me i'm like i love you guys it's just so like true to the it's so native american 0.99

01:05:23.520 they're heckling with the fucking smoke signals 1.00

01:05:31.120 pussy they just write f-a-g in the air with smoke heckling you by blowing oh this is so funny 1.00

01:05:40.400 that's hilarious bro yeah i like getting recognized by cops it happens more like a lot of cops watch my 0.99

01:05:46.560 stuff which is weird i'm like when you guys have time to do this but like it makes me feel good when

01:05:50.800 they're like dude i love your stuff like i've had a cop be um like shy like um yeah what's it called 0.95

01:05:57.920 not not starstruck because i don't think it's like that but i think they're just like oh shit like like 0.97

01:06:01.600 like nervous around me yeah i'm like you have a gun i should be nervous around you don't study your 0.99

01:06:07.600 words around me hey you have a gun i have a four loco advertisement okay hey uh you you made the the

01:06:15.440 the kyle videos right like you are in control of the bad people use your gun put me in handcuffs

01:06:23.520 when was the last time you were in a back of a cop car oh oh my friend billy and i my buddy billy

01:06:28.800 conforto r.i.p man he was uh famous one of the most famous gay prize fighters and uh prize he just

01:06:37.920 fought he was like one of the first gays that could really fight they didn't have it people would like 1.00

01:06:44.160 call them a name and then beat their ass and they get the shit beat out of yeah that's awesome so it 0.99

01:06:49.280 was amazing dude it was like oh this is different that'd be such a good dare like if somebody didn't 0.99

01:06:54.320 know but call him oh it was great i yeah one thing i remember when i was young i always wanted friends

01:06:59.760 that had like something different about him you know like one of my first friends was this guy

01:07:03.520 douglas and he had a stutter and i'd never heard it you know and then billy you know the gay fighter 0.56

01:07:08.640 and douglas was like don't call him a and then billy would just knock someone out if they did 0.96

01:07:13.920 call him a an f-a-g-o-t dude i wanted to be different so bad growing up i told people i was 0.75

01:07:18.800 colorblind yeah like i went my mom so bad to point my doctor my mom took me to the doctor and he's like 0.74

01:07:24.080 pointing at something that's a yellow and he's like what color is that i was like blue yeah just

01:07:28.000 riffing i just wanted to be different so bad oh i just yelled the n-word at a couple mormons dude i'd be 0.72

01:07:34.080 like you don't believe i'm color blind and i would just just drop it right on out of mormon

01:07:40.160 yeah i wanted to be nazareth with that nazareth oh that word yeah okay okay that's what i'm talking

01:07:47.680 about bro shout out to black mormons are there any black mormons i think so we need more

01:07:56.240 more we need more man we've had we had a lot of blonkeys in our area growing up what's that like 0.98

01:08:04.880 black dudes that want to be white you know like the opposite of wiggas you know oh we had hella 0.99

01:08:10.080 blonkeys bro okay um what were we talking about oh yeah big bother our cop he just like 0.99

01:08:17.920 like he yeah he'd get on that loudspeaker like he just couldn't get he was so big do people have

01:08:26.720 to handcuff themselves to get in the car how do i do this look like job of the hutt dude my uh but

01:08:35.840 me and billy so we got pulled over billy had like a pound of weed on him so he uh or in the car so he

01:08:42.560 picks it up he puts it in his shirt right they take us out of my car put us in the cop car

01:08:47.760 to search my car oh but he had the weed on the weed on him so now we're sitting in the car with 0.95

01:08:53.440 the pound of weed on him and then they're like all clear they put us back in the car we fucking drove 0.93

01:08:58.240 off holy shit that was awesome i wonder if anybody's ever got like pulled over for like a parking ticket 0.99

01:09:03.280 and put like a pound of weed in their ass just because they're scared or like got pulled over 0.99

01:09:09.360 like you know how sometimes cops will clear the highway just like stop traffic i wouldn't have 1.00

01:09:13.680 anybody's seen that and like freaked out and put a ball in their ass just start fucking slowly 0.99

01:09:18.400 knuckling nugs up their hole they're putting just like the og for loco in there they're like it's 0.99

01:09:23.040 illegal now moonshot there has to be a tragic story out there oh my god of somebody who a cop they

01:09:31.120 thought a cop would stop it yeah they weren't because it could have been something else it's like 0.99

01:09:34.800 apartment security and he's like oh fuck the guy's just jamming eight ball of heroin up there 0.99

01:09:40.160 a 12 sack of dirt weed he sees mall security he's like oh fuck it's just so crazy to put something 1.00

01:09:48.160 in your ass yeah that fast too and it's hard it's hard to do i love how people are like yeah just you 1.00

01:09:54.960 know just toss it in my ass i don't think i'd be able to talk okay to the cop no if i had 1.00

01:10:00.000 fucking eight ball in my ass oh because you're just hoping that that plastic holds out or you're dead 1.00

01:10:06.560 you're i mean you're living life on levita loco mode for about 10 seconds you're crushing it the 1.00

01:10:12.320 second it breaks through but it is sensitive down there i mean it goes straight in the bloodstream

01:10:16.880 did you um yeah they used to have like that thing vajipin or whatever when people put lsd in their 0.89

01:10:22.240 vagina i remember i feel like i've heard of that vajip vajipin well a lot of chicks would do that 1.00

01:10:28.080 imagine eating a chick out while she does that she just turns into like a custard pie 1.00

01:10:37.040 but like imagine what one time my friend said this girl yeah she just turns into a 1.00

01:10:43.280 fucking well because the effect of the lsd goes to you and you just forget what you're doing down 0.95

01:10:50.320 there and you're just floating you just think you're kissing an oyster at a beach or whatever 0.99

01:10:55.600 it's romantic yeah you're at a fucking red lobster just yeah slurping face with some oyster 0.98

01:11:00.880 am i a tattoo ramen right now have you uh ever done salvia uh wasn't that like gas station dope 0.99

01:11:10.320 kind of yeah if you you could just be 18 and up but like you would trip really hard yeah they sold

01:11:15.840 it like it was cigarettes like you could smoke it and you're in your like life is different for about

01:11:19.600 15 minutes yeah like the entire world you can literally just smoke this and go out into the real

01:11:23.680 world it's crazy salvia is the largest genus of plants in the sage family with nearly a thousand

01:11:28.400 pieces of shrubs and annuals within the uh salvia is part of the tribe mint mint the um

01:11:39.280 there's a really funny video i mean this guy says salvia and then he goes gardening

01:11:44.080 it's really it's like og youtube it's hilarious uh bad yeah that guy that guy

01:11:49.360 this guy smokes salvia and then tries to garden we're gonna fill it in with some miracle growth

01:11:58.160 some soil from the garden it's kind of a long video but we're gonna make sure that it's doing

01:12:02.240 okay with a little bit of uh ph test and i'm gonna show you how to do it in a little bit let me speed

01:12:06.240 it up a little bit it just falls over maybe i was on salvia watching this but

01:12:14.880 hold on the guys are now laying on the ground right kind of quivering the text goes want to see

01:12:23.840 more salvia challenges what is this cardiac arrest that's not a salvia yeah no you like

01:12:33.680 full-blown trip balls for 15 minutes and they just sell out a gas station that's great you can just buy

01:12:38.960 it bro it's crazy how the food and drug administration can we just say that they don't

01:12:44.160 care about they don't care they do not care they don't care about us you could buy this in a and go 0.73

01:12:49.840 to jury duty and just sit there jury is fucking hilarious it's like a flight that never takes 0.88

01:12:55.440 off you're just sitting there man i wish you could pick your cases like i wish they had like 0.96

01:13:00.800 a menu like oh here's the cases they're doing today because then i could see if i want to pretend 0.99

01:13:04.720 like i'm racist or not to try and get out of it oh yeah you got a jerk yeah i roll right in there 0.96

01:13:09.520 and tell them i'm racist what what t-shirt are you wearing and last time they're like we have so many 0.99

01:13:15.440 races here today we still have to ask you guys a couple questions we gotta we gotta we gotta filter 0.99

01:13:21.280 through that see how racist you are damn man dude i i got called into a jury and then there was a bunch 0.98

01:13:27.920 of people trying to give excuses you ever try to give an excuse dude people bomb people because i was like 0.99

01:13:34.080 third up and this girl's like uh i have a child and he's like well have you ever heard of a babysitter

01:13:39.120 and then the girl's like uh well i uh next then it gets to me this is when i first started touring

01:13:44.640 i was like i'm a touring comedian he believed it but like like i'm surprised he wasn't like do a

01:13:50.560 tight five right now yeah just terrifying it's intense man i can't believe jury duty is a real thing 0.95

01:13:57.360 like we just go and grab a random group of a hundred of america's dumbest people and be like 0.87

01:14:02.240 hey sit in this room we're gonna use ten of you to solve this murder it blows my mind well it's 1.00

01:14:08.320 the craziest part about it is this bitch works at a leslie's pool supply and now they're in charge 1.00

01:14:14.240 of a murder now they're trying to figure out who killed kennedy right here like are you trying to 0.99

01:14:23.120 find the guy after the dane cook concert and some guy's like i don't know the difference between a

01:14:28.960 a cucumber and a pickle and you want me to decide on this jury this is a fud ruckers manager this is

01:14:36.720 a fud ruckers manager yeah they shouldn't be putting somebody in jail and blows my mind also um it seems

01:14:43.520 lazy well it's like it's seen it's like these days i think people can be so divided too politically

01:14:49.920 that if you see somebody and they're not like your type or whatever then immediately there should be a

01:14:55.200 better pool to draw from like every kid who's on the debate team in high school like pull from those 0.99

01:15:00.000 fuckers yeah like we shouldn't have to get the guy who drives the oscar meyer wienermobile around town 1.00

01:15:05.440 to be like i think he stabbed that bitch you did it sir you did it in behind the hot dog truck 1.00

01:15:11.840 yeah and now they even have the other day they caught an illegal alien on a fucking the guy didn't 1.00

01:15:17.280 even speak english and they caught him on a jury it's like what is even this guy's coming to our 0.98

01:15:22.000 country he doesn't eat he's and he's just telling if people are murdered he can't even speak english 0.97

01:15:27.360 yeah he just does this points just he's fucking with them he's like oh 0.98

01:15:33.520 that's crazy and it's a jury like you could riff like you'd be like i don't like this guy's outfit 0.95

01:15:38.480 let's send him in yeah it just blows my mind that we're just crowdsourcing if somebody's guilty or not

01:15:45.280 it's just everything has gotten pretty bananas man it just seems lazy on the government to be like

01:15:49.920 we'll have society do it or maybe it's fair i don't know i don't know anything well the government's

01:15:54.320 gotten the the government is out of business really yeah i mean have you been around from

01:15:59.600 home and shit even the u.s postal system it's like i was just talking about this it's i get mail that's 0.83

01:16:05.360 sent to my house it says to trevor wallace or current uh resident like how desperate is that 0.98

01:16:11.680 like for trevor wallace or fucking anybody anybody who lives here it's like sad like why you got to be 0.97

01:16:19.280 like if you want yeah yeah it's almost mail begging you to open yeah and there's no good 0.99

01:16:23.840 mail anymore and it's like all the mail is trash it's all fucking just a bunch of smack on paper 0.99

01:16:29.520 yeah they put those fake fucking credit cards in there just like be like oh i think he's gonna 0.99

01:16:33.840 open it up the shitty part is there's a lot of americans that are like i just got a new visa 0.99

01:16:39.760 it's like open now urgent let's get a credit card yeah it shouldn't be urgent

01:16:45.040 yeah that's another that is my money yeah open do not bend i hate all mail is 0.99

01:16:51.360 bullshit do not bend what are you it's paper yeah i gotta go to a bathroom you do yeah yeah hit it 0.99

01:16:59.040 up man is it inside or outside it's inside next time we should put ketchup under your seat 1.00

01:17:05.760 bro there is nothing real gay in the back of your legs huh such a funny place to get 1.00

01:17:10.640 just to like imagine this you gotta shoot real bad at school you just ate a honey bun 1.00

01:17:14.320 and fuck that's so crazy you can't really deal with it at the moment because you're just shitting 1.00

01:17:21.760 yeah you're like what do i wipe first my legs from my ass dude i wonder if one thing about a 1.00

01:17:28.320 coffin you don't see much is somebody face down in a coffin that's so funny lying on their hands like 0.99

01:17:33.840 that maybe yeah yeah that's funny that seems more peaceful honestly yeah it's really true huh like

01:17:39.360 who the who lies like that in a call yeah i'm a side sleeper honestly so maybe maybe i just turn the

01:17:44.960 casket vertical yeah side in a coffin would be kind of nice looking over at somebody yeah and even one of

01:17:51.200 your hands up like this is pointing dude what if he did one of these like you could like a selfie

01:17:56.800 opportunity like the wax museum yeah maybe a sleep mask would be kind of cool bro but that's

01:18:02.800 unbelievable that that chart had said now it's 76 percent of people are cremated bro that's

01:18:09.040 unbelievable it was four percent in 1960 did they have that technology back then that had to be a 0.99

01:18:15.600 hard pitch like the first guy to do cremation yeah yeah just burn the motherfucker what i don't know 0.99

01:18:22.400 i'm just spitballing yeah i'm not just thinking about the future dude i'm not saying satan's winning but 1.00

01:18:28.320 yeah yeah yeah we could just fucking torch the guy that seems like how you airdrop yourself to hell 0.92

01:18:33.200 it's just by doing cremation yeah you know it just seems i don't know yeah you know like well i think 0.96

01:18:39.920 it also used to well also used to have all like the mummies and like they would mummify people they 0.80

01:18:46.480 would bury them one of the big things back in the day was they would bury you with things you needed to

01:18:50.640 get to the next life like sometimes i think that could be one of the reasons why like we're stalling

01:18:57.280 out here as a society because we're not even burying people first of all we're burning people

01:19:02.240 up okay which there's no way god looks down and i was like chill hell yeah good nice well they're

01:19:10.160 burning right next to the wood fire pizzas yeah but they dude imagine if you went to a funeral

01:19:17.120 where somebody's cremated and then went to a wood-burning pizza oven after dude that would

01:19:21.520 be a really good two for one yeah like burn your dad get some barbecue chicken pizza i don't know

01:19:29.520 the whole thought of it freaks me out like it's so weird oh it's so weird one thing to me that's

01:19:33.520 that's interesting was i think we used to prepare people literally like they would prepare people

01:19:38.480 they would bury them with different can you look that is true yeah because they'd find a lot of people

01:19:42.720 like barely like either with like their cat or like first of all my cow would be so pissed down 1.00

01:19:46.480 there yeah stuff they needed for the afterlife yeah wow what are you bringing yeah bring up buried

01:19:53.680 people burying people with afterlife stuff the ancient egyptians tomb was supplied with items

01:19:58.480 the deceased would need in the afterlife food household goods and the body itself often the supplies

01:20:03.440 provided were also duplicated in other forms food and furniture for example were painted or carved

01:20:08.480 into the banquet scenes on the tomb walls um but yeah they needed you to get to the afterlife so i

01:20:13.840 think then a lot more people were actually making it through to the afterlife now we're not even 0.98

01:20:18.960 burying people with shit so that it's fucking it's like burning man it's like you didn't bring anything 0.98

01:20:23.280 you're not going to the next life yeah so you're just so the spirit just gets kicked back here and 1.00

01:20:28.000 that's why everybody gets born like oh this guy's dumb as fuck because yeah because he just stalled 0.99

01:20:32.480 out here it's like we're almost like it's a giant potluck you don't bring anything they just send you 0.99

01:20:36.400 right back yeah i think that's one of the problems our spirits are stalled out because

01:20:40.560 we're not um we're not getting the right tools to get what do you think you would bring it's like

01:20:44.880 zelda breath of the wild i'd bring that thing that like it lets you like when you jump off of

01:20:48.880 something to like let you glide kind of oh yeah um i thought you meant one of those pull-up bars you

01:20:52.720 put on a door frame dude if you're a chick and you go to a guy's house and he has a pull-up 0.88

01:20:58.560 bar on the door frame girl you better wrap up because his wife is going to be home soon let's 1.00

01:21:03.600 just say he's a theta chi okay let's be real factual about that yeah i think i probably yeah 0.98

01:21:08.480 knows knows knows no girl sees that and is like oh fuck yeah you can't afford a planet fitness 0.58

01:21:15.440 membership dude every place i go perform for college is like apparently the frat or whatever 0.97

01:21:22.400 that like is roofing everybody it's always pike i feel yeah yeah our neighbors in the in the frat 0.97

01:21:28.320 uh at college were pike and that was a whole like stereotype they got kicked off campus my first

01:21:33.120 semester there and then they just come to our parties like dog no yeah bro yeah they're notorious for

01:21:40.160 it yeah it is for just really having a blast um i'm doing a college gig this week actually you are

01:21:46.080 st louis mizzou mizzou i'm flying into st louis but it's they're always far it's in rollo it might be

01:21:51.280 university of missouri it's in rollo can you look at what's in mizzou it's not on my website the great

01:21:56.400 part you don't have to promote these college shows oh yeah that's nice can you just type in uh

01:22:00.160 rollo university dude i don't know anything well that's it i think it's an o r-e-l-l-o or i don't

01:22:08.160 know but yeah i will say like the front row is just all uh just frat guys yelling yeah i did uh

01:22:16.160 you know sean evans from hot ones yeah yeah i did a hot ones live at a college with him me and him 0.99

01:22:20.960 it was so fun but all these frat guys were in the crowd put on more sauce pussy i like getting 0.99

01:22:26.720 heckled while crying eating chicken wings i frat guys are the best people ever oh they're just 0.97

01:22:32.880 walking exclamation points people are like yeah like we're out the other night and those guys

01:22:36.480 like recording one guy would record me one guy would show someone his phone it would be like

01:22:39.440 upper deck is in or yeah and then the other guys recording you still have to give your answer oh

01:22:45.760 the street interviews yeah those guys spawn out of nowhere you can be anywhere and a guy will pop

01:22:51.200 up be like yo gay son or thought daughter what do you what would you rather have like dog we're 0.98

01:22:56.320 not fucking barnes and noble dude how did you get in here they just pop out of nowhere that's content 0.99

01:23:01.760 now yeah content is surprise content oh bro i that's one thing that i haven't been like i don't like that 0.97

01:23:07.600 ambush style yeah it's shocking and i don't like the surprise stuff because you forget that when you're

01:23:11.680 talking to somebody like if it's at an event or something like that yeah that somebody could be

01:23:15.520 recording it yeah it's crazy i mean where was i it's too scary because if you don't know i never

01:23:20.240 even know what i'm saying half the time so i'm like i'm dude i was in new york and some guy tapped

01:23:24.320 me on the shoulder had headphones and sunglasses on and he tapped me on the shoulder i turn around

01:23:26.880 he goes with the camera he had a camera cry and a mic and he goes when was the last time you cried

01:23:30.880 like bro huh i'm walking in a park by myself probably pretty soon we're not far from it but i had to

01:23:38.560 i asked the guy after i was like like i started to riff with him and i was like dude i don't know

01:23:42.800 who this guy is like can we i was like can you actually just delete it he's like no for sure i

01:23:46.080 was like no like let me watch you delete it it was very weird yeah this pop-up and you're such a

01:23:51.280 recognizable guy you probably happens you all the time i see clips of it yeah i start seeing

01:23:57.680 shit that i can't even i'm like oh some that was recorded that was a thing it really gets kind of um

01:24:02.880 um it gets kind of let's say scary it's kind of in it's crazy some of it's invasive well yeah and 0.95

01:24:10.160 that's the thing you don't know now somebody just whispers something to you like that if there's

01:24:13.920 somebody's in the distance recording it so you could say something if even if you think it's just

01:24:18.000 between friends or something and then they can burn you up on something you know yeah dude i'll see you

01:24:22.320 like i mean did you're like walking through like a minor league like baseball dugouts was like theo 0.94

01:24:26.880 vaughn how big's her cock now you're just all over tiktok and reddit because you gave a thumbs up 1.00

01:24:33.440 like anything you do people are like they'll yeah some girl the other day she's driving by in her car 0.98

01:24:38.080 i guess she drove by and then she came back around real slow and she's like what's up theo and i was

01:24:43.440 like let me see that yeah i just hit her right like yeah like but that's what they want but that's 0.94

01:24:48.960 what you need like yeah yeah that's what people want to see they want to see that somebody drove 0.78

01:24:53.040 by they want that outlandish theo and you said let me see that puss which is what you're thinking 0.91

01:24:57.600 anyway you're just like a walking nft like if anybody gets footage of you being you they now 0.65

01:25:03.040 have a prized possession of like theo yelling let me see that push yeah it gets weird man it's crazy

01:25:09.280 dude we went to oh you know what we did that was so awesome we went to uh caitlin clark broke the um 0.98

01:25:14.880 oh louisiana or no not louisiana indianapolis uh oh fuck i'm gonna shut up iowa 0.99

01:25:19.200 she went but indianapolis isn't far off but she broke um it'll be on the same tour the women's 0.99

01:25:25.040 scoring record oh you were there for that bro we went did the how did the crowd go when she like

01:25:29.360 broke it was it was crazy oh it was good me and kayla presley went and uh bro yeah he's so funny

01:25:35.600 man what a neat guy and yeah we went but we had we literally had a blast man i mean we just showed up

01:25:41.200 and her boyfriend um connor mccaffrey is her boyfriend and his brother patrick and we got to

01:25:49.920 sit with them and uh dude you'd be at everywhere it was at events well this was cool man i just

01:25:58.800 i never got to see like i mean it was just watching her plays just really like it's a vibe the whole team

01:26:05.040 man like hannah stalky they got a bunch of like it's fun um it was just really interesting and

01:26:10.240 you're watching and it's like the energy is hype like i haven't been to like a lot of i guess 0.95

01:26:14.640 women's basketball games a lot of times you think like oh man you know but this shit was hype bro 0.79

01:26:19.360 yeah dude i saw a duke game and like how it packed in their stadium is and like that energy was 0.97

01:26:24.800 fucking awesome here's a shot right here that did it broke the record oh 0.99

01:26:27.760 gang bro what a banger oh yeah i'm immediately shotgunning a boat light bro she's a freaking 0.99

01:26:37.440 and that was from downtown oh she's a sniper so that was three that's what she says she threw 0.56

01:26:42.160 it up that's what they run it as really so that was to break the record he's out there oh in iowa

01:26:48.320 no all-time points for women in ncaa yeah sorry she brought yeah it was all-time points for women in 0.83

01:26:52.640 ncaa she also hit a thousand assists that game wow how many points was that i think you said 36

01:26:58.880 something 30 how much points is she at nick she's at 35 69 and she had 49 that game oh yeah it was

01:27:07.360 her highest ever she had 23 in the first quarter we're like bro you feel like you are incapable we

01:27:13.120 were like god yeah dude that's awesome um but that was that was pretty sick man that was like probably

01:27:18.160 one of the neater things that i've done in the past year that's great man that was just pretty

01:27:22.720 cool you've been any cool events you go to super bowl i was there super bowl week uh i got to open

01:27:27.360 the bert and tom show in vegas my first arena it was awesome dude yeah what was that like it was

01:27:32.960 it's a different ball game it was surreal so pretty much i got asked to do this golf tournament out there

01:27:36.720 and then i booked my own show just had wise guys do some like work on some new shit and then um me and 0.72

01:27:43.520 tom erupted the same agency yeah you're there too and just kind of put a feeler out there like hey

01:27:48.400 trevor's gonna be there if you guys you know he just wants to watch the show then they're like yeah

01:27:52.640 would he be down to cold open it and i was like fuck yeah and at first they're like do five minutes 0.87

01:27:57.120 now i'm like just five minutes is so hard because you're like what five minutes are people gonna get 0.96

01:28:01.920 to know me on and then like do seven i was like all right great and then like do 10 and then i'm just

01:28:05.920 like great now i have like an actual opportunity to do some bits in this yeah and you're like you're

01:28:10.800 realizing oh these guys are too drunk to go to work right now yeah dude they're standing it okay

01:28:15.680 they're like bird is somewhere relapsed in a fucking six milligram zin bender he's just too busy blasting 1.00

01:28:22.080 bon jovi with his tits out but it was fuck i was so nervous it was 13 000 people no way yeah i mean 0.99

01:28:29.280 it's fucking it's insane and there was cold open so it's just like all the lights were on and then 1.00

01:28:34.960 the lights were on well they when right before they announced me they're like all right lights were on 0.99

01:28:39.440 they cut black and then they go trevor wallace like there was no like show begin it it just like

01:28:45.200 you know i've been cold open somebody so hard so long yeah bro i wrote one time i did a show rogan

01:28:50.240 invited me to do a show with him and andrew santino and it was in atlanta and um i was there just

01:28:56.640 working the club or something he's like you want to jump on my show i was like sure we're standing

01:28:59.440 backstage talking i had no idea i was going on first literally they announced out there you go i walk

01:29:05.440 out there bro it was a couple thousand people so scared couldn't fucking talk didn't know some of 0.91

01:29:10.720 my bits in this one where people were sitting down so nervous oh i was so nervous because like obviously 0.88

01:29:16.240 i've done stand-up thousands of times but like 10 minutes in front of it's impossible and the lineup is 0.96

01:29:22.240 me bobby shane tom birch and i'm like i don't because as the first comic if you kind of suck you might 0.85

01:29:30.320 steer the show in a weird direction you know i have the set in my head and i'm like yeah this is here we go

01:29:34.640 we're just gonna do it and then i'm just like nervous i get really like quiet before shows

01:29:39.360 i don't know and then like you're in the green room it's fucking like i mean guy fieri's back 0.94

01:29:44.160 there jimmy kimmel's back there and you're just like all these people are gonna watch yeah but

01:29:50.080 luckily when they announced my name like a good amount of the crowd felt like they knew um or was

01:29:54.400 at least aware of me and then i took the wrong way to get on the stage i'm fucking panicking so i'm 0.90

01:29:58.880 like let me just there's nothing worse the first time i did the comedy store same thing

01:30:03.920 i went the wrong like route you're like opening under the comedy store sign you just look like 0.98

01:30:08.640 an idiot yeah uh so i just went for and got a joke out as quick as possible it actually was uh 0.98

01:30:12.960 it was really i think it was as good as it could have been for what it was it wasn't like standing 0.99

01:30:16.160 ovation uh worthy but i thought it was a great uh cold open and burn tom said nice things oh it's

01:30:22.640 amazing to get to do that show i'm freaking jealous man to get to do that is amazing yes i was in

01:30:27.760 super bowl but i didn't stay for super bowl were you at the game no i didn't go man i felt like it was

01:30:31.600 gonna be i don't know if i wanted to be around so much sometimes there's so much going on at those

01:30:36.320 things it's like everybody's trying to make videos it just feels kind of like overwhelming you know

01:30:41.520 it's not even about the game it feels like like everybody was totally we're at uh this lunch spot 0.66

01:30:45.680 and lebron walks by and you're like oh lebron's here anybody give a shit about me yeah it was nuts 0.88

01:30:51.440 guy uh what's his name gordon ramsay was at the same bottle service because i was with sean and we went 0.93

01:30:56.560 out to this club and gordon ramsay just had a table and they're like why am i ever at the same

01:31:01.840 table as gordon ramsay yeah so bizarre oh dude i went to bobby kennedy's birthday dinner yeah i mean

01:31:07.600 it's just it's all just crazy the shit you end up in and as weird as the world gets now it's like 0.81

01:31:12.880 the shit that's going on is even getting weird yeah so it's like it was me um my friend aaron 0.98

01:31:19.280 uh bobby kennedy uh his wife john stockton and mel gibson just crazy just like in what world 0.99

01:31:29.520 are we all together and for why yeah and what problem are we supposed to solve yeah like we had

01:31:35.200 no like it was but just crazy just sitting there just eating dessert just talking to mel gibson

01:31:41.040 that's john stockton yeah one of the i think he was an all-time assist leader i don't know if he still

01:31:46.080 is or not you ever met anybody that you were nervous by yeah i think some of that goes away

01:31:52.560 over time though because you just get used to meeting people who are popular yeah first me still

01:31:58.240 it's any decent looking woman okay yeah yeah yeah yeah you uh with hot chicks and interviews are 1.00

01:32:04.080 always funny oh it's fucking hard anytime you do a hot chicken on the pod i feel like 0.98

01:32:08.560 like you turn it so shy you're like it's hard you ever had a pudding before she's like what like 0.85

01:32:16.880 we could just cut to the ads you're like bringing a casserole right now yeah 50 000 bonus points the

01:32:25.040 comments are so funny because they're always just like you can tell how nervous theo is when the hot

01:32:28.720 chicks are on i know we got to get some more cool chicks in man dude they're out there i know we got 1.00

01:32:33.840 to get some meat in we want i want to get some fucking essay eat us you know some latinas man oh 1.00

01:32:39.040 yeah you should do um we want to get peso pluma oh he'd be awesome i sent a dm to el chapo his wife 0.99

01:32:45.120 dude fuck you should not be doing that dude yeah bro it was a i didn't know i thought el chapo was um 0.99

01:32:53.040 despacito or something or what is it called not alive decapitated 1.00

01:32:57.600 um muerto i thought doesn't that mean wednesday okay what is it nick muerto is death okay i thought

01:33:09.920 he was yeah death i thought he was death and i thought um el chapo yeah and i thought his wife

01:33:16.080 had been in prison so i was like i i just heard an article she's got out of prison i was like oh i'm

01:33:20.320 gonna say what's up yeah you know i'm gonna freaking slide and see if i can get her on the pod you know 1.00

01:33:25.200 i guess like i don't know crazy to get out of prison immediately get a you'd be like yo trying

01:33:29.040 to hop on the pod you should do gypsy rose do you ever we hit her up but um because everybody kept 0.96

01:33:35.520 tagging us in some story like get gypsy rose and we hit her up but she didn't uh reply back but i think

01:33:40.240 she just played and didn't she just play in like nba all-star weekend or something 0.96

01:33:45.360 did she really i thought she did they'd be putting everybody in that fucking game they put 1.00

01:33:50.000 anybody she was like jack harler garden up on gypsy rose yeah dude that's just crazy bro yeah it's 0.99

01:33:57.200 like uh the easter bunny fucking garden kid laroi or whatever you're like what's going on kid rocks 0.99

01:34:03.200 the rep dude he's just blowing a crack pipe instead of a whistle i want smoke cracks so bad bro it looks 0.98

01:34:11.440 warm well one of the best things about it i've heard is that uh you can stay up and get things done

01:34:18.560 i feel that so much because coke it's just sometimes it's too erratic to get things done

01:34:23.120 but crack they say you can actually get some things done um the my pillow guy michael not sure of his

01:34:28.720 name mike lindell mike lindell he has a book that i read and it's about his crack addiction oh wow

01:34:35.440 and how he held on to his brand the whole time he was he kept he was flying to vegas on the weekends

01:34:40.080 to stay up all night and gamble he was like counting cards and he'd make just enough money to keep his uh

01:34:44.880 his pillow obsession going yeah so he made a pillow company while cracked out so he made something to 0.96

01:34:51.280 sleep while he was never sleeping it's fucking genius if you think about it he's like somebody's 0.92

01:34:56.160 like how does it feel he's like i have no idea i've never tried it that's just where i hide my 0.96

01:35:00.720 cocaine on flights that's crazy to be addicted to crack and make a pillow that's hilarious it is bro we

01:35:09.520 should have him on just to hear about that story i know some people have like or you know people get

01:35:15.920 i like when business owners have like a good origin story like i know people who used to be really

01:35:20.000 addicted to heroin and now they have their own company it's like i feel like they fought through

01:35:24.080 so much like i trust their business more almost yeah yeah well a lot of addicts you know they're

01:35:29.440 really capable they just got caught up you know doing the wrong thing yeah because people can get

01:35:34.080 addicted to work and working well also you know yeah i feel like i have some of that do you feel

01:35:38.720 like that yeah for sure you do i think you have some of that even if we talk about it you're always

01:35:42.240 a little bit dialed in like what do i want to do yeah you're always thinking like how can i challenge

01:35:46.000 myself yeah it's weird sometimes i'm like editing on like a saturday night i'm like what the

01:35:49.440 fuck am i doing my life yeah why am i not at like a rodeo or like a buffalo wild wings i don't know 0.82

01:35:55.680 have you been to a rodeo i don't maybe as a child bro it is one of the funnest things it's so much 0.98

01:36:03.040 fun it looks awesome take a date go to the rodeo uh it's the best it's the best event that i've been

01:36:09.520 to in the past couple years i can't wait to go again man um do you serve food there yeah they got

01:36:15.600 food they got like hot dogs and soda and what is the main event they don't have salmon or anything but

01:36:25.280 the main event well the best things about it are they sometimes though they have to have the clowns 0.97

01:36:30.160 out there in the barrels they got that shit going on they have like the where the people ride the 0.97

01:36:34.800 horse down and cut uh barrel cutting is it um barrel racing and they go around like they have to cut 0.97

01:36:41.920 around the barrel as quick as they can on a horseback so you're like trying to just u-turn a 0.97

01:36:45.360 fucking horse you know so that's pretty gangster um list of events bareback riding whoa 0.98

01:36:52.640 uh broncos a few things yeah saddle bronc riding steer wrestling um and then they do this one thing 0.99

01:37:02.240 where like they'll put the kids on like a little sheep or something and let the sheep run out and 0.74

01:37:08.720 there's just some kid just fucking you know they literally tied the kid onto the sheep and he's just 0.97

01:37:12.640 and then he'll fall right into the dirt every time dude um but it's just a it just feels like 0.99

01:37:18.480 americana and it feels like everybody's having a blast everybody's in for the same goal you know

01:37:23.840 look at that yeah he's on that yeah that's a bold move dude that's like when me and my brother were

01:37:30.560 kids we used to like if one of us had to like use the toilet and the other one did at the same time

01:37:35.120 the first one would get on and like face the back of the tank and the second one would sit like back

01:37:40.720 to back against him like the hurley logo yeah really yeah like the hurley logo that's so funny 0.92

01:37:48.240 yeah i remember that and it feels hella gay too dude if you're like straining your body and you can 0.52

01:37:53.040 feel the other person's strain in their body you know oh yeah the the tensing yeah so that was 1.00

01:37:58.080 uncomfortable get up and beat his ass what the fuck did i just feel my spinal cord i'm gonna wipe my 1.00

01:38:06.320 ass and beat yours you know uh but that was always when you had to ride on the back of it 1.00

01:38:11.920 so when you were like hugging that tank it always felt fucking crazy yeah i didn't have an older 0.99

01:38:15.520 brother i just had a sister so i i missed out on all those older brother memories we just beat each 0.98

01:38:19.520 other's ass for no reason yeah dude having a having a brother i think is it's i think it's pretty amazing 0.85

01:38:26.800 because there's just you get another layer of the world you know yeah like that but this dude's off to 1.00

01:38:32.080 the side like yeah he's nerve he's nervous like a gay dude on a horseback or something that's the 0.97

01:38:37.920 gayest thing you can do is if you ride both legs off to the side it's kind of cool you just hop off 1.00

01:38:41.920 whatever you want this is my stop and they just hop off it's kind of cool dude in africa i was in

01:38:47.520 kenya and they have like these taxis but you basically just get get on where the taxis just

01:38:52.960 have like it's basically a volkswagen van yeah and they've taken like slogans from like american rap and

01:38:58.960 they've they've fucked them up and they have them written all over the windows you know like 0.97

01:39:04.080 bust these n words or something you know just doesn't make it you know it's like um show that 0.99

01:39:09.280 pussy bitch or whatever just it's like and it's just written in these weird fonts and it's a taxi 1.00

01:39:13.920 and it's a you just get on you don't even know where it's going it just keeps driving 0.99

01:39:18.240 anywhere's better than here that's it and there'll be literally be 12 people inside of it really yeah

01:39:24.080 and it'll just have like um uh we ready on the back just all kind of like just kind of urban slang

01:39:32.240 you know yeah uh have you ever been in japan i want to the the subways look intense or everybody's 0.81

01:39:37.920 just packed up in that bitch the japanese it's so clean over there i hear yeah i feel like if you 1.00

01:39:42.960 sneeze you get shot i yeah they're so clean you ever been or no yeah i've been i just don't remember 0.99

01:39:51.840 it that good but i do remember um it was like a homestay or something i was doing this thing

01:39:57.360 called semester at sea okay and it was like a homestay so you would go and just stay with the

01:40:01.520 family i was just talking about this the other day with trevor bauer and he was on here but it was like

01:40:08.560 the family let you stay with them as a japanese family so you literally showed up on their door

01:40:12.080 at a certain time and you had and you just stayed there for a couple of nights and do they pick you

01:40:16.320 or you pick them or it's just like random there was some program that linked you up yeah and so

01:40:20.320 then i showed up and we don't know what to say so we're all just keep standing around doing that

01:40:24.640 and then uh we ate like on the we sat on the floor and ate yeah and then they let me sleep in their

01:40:30.560 room there's only like three little rooms really and i don't know they might have slept like in the

01:40:35.600 wall or something like and i slept on like a like a thatched mat or something there's no like real

01:40:41.600 bedding it's just like a little you sleep okay yeah i think i was fine and then oh one thing i

01:40:46.480 remember i would hug i gave the mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek when i met her just as like

01:40:50.960 just where i'm from is pretty normal so the next two days she kept having her friends come over

01:40:56.480 and right when they come in the door she'd go like this you know because she wanted me to hug

01:40:59.920 him and get like she's pimping you out yeah they just didn't she's charging money come kissing american 1.00

01:41:05.120 boy you should have no idea so that was kind of that was just kind of a vibe i guess you worked in

01:41:09.920 the red light district yeah i might have yeah yeah that was the worst thing about the red light

01:41:14.800 district was that it was so cold once you got there was no emotion you're like oh there's no

01:41:20.320 emotion small talk was interesting it's just fast they want you to bust and get back out on the street

01:41:26.080 i was nervous i was probably about 60 chubb because it's hard to be like oh yeah there's no emotion

01:41:31.920 it's like weird there's small talk there's jizz still drying from the last guy it felt like a doctor's

01:41:37.040 office that they want you to come real fast at yeah exactly yeah there's like a guy high-fiving me

01:41:41.280 on the way in i'm like oh gross you know and then there's shirts but that mine had merch or

01:41:46.640 something you were leaving yeah damn i should i should start doing that look up that red light 0.54

01:41:50.560 district merch yeah but um see if they have any cardigans or whatever from the red light you can't 0.66

01:41:55.840 take photos while you're walking through because you know a lot you know it's it's very private a

01:41:59.680 lot of people don't want it to get back to their families but you think about something with like

01:42:02.800 the arabian meta glasses have you seen those they record and they just look like normal glasses so you

01:42:08.640 could just be in there and nobody would know anywhere wow bro you could be at a matinee

01:42:13.040 remember how mad movies used to get they'd be hey don't record this 1.00

01:42:15.520 shit shut the fuck up now that's the only thing companies want you to do is record their 0.99

01:42:22.880 shit record it and then post it it's like oh cool we have a movie screenshot it and put it on tiktok 1.00

01:42:27.680 yeah so dude you could just wear that and walk around but if you take a phone they like yell they 0.99

01:42:31.440 start banging on the windows like don't put the fucking phone away that's crazy so this is recording 0.98

01:42:35.360 stuff these glasses they're showing really good have you tried the new thing that people are doing 0.98

01:42:40.320 with the um the apple vision yeah yeah i tried them no way yeah i tried apple vision pros they're

01:42:45.520 pretty cool i borrowed them from a friend i don't know the benefit of it it's just like rich people

01:42:48.720 to get away from their families i think bert would love these yeah i know but you just put them on

01:42:53.760 and then you can like you just it's not full vr it's augmented reality i guess so any screen like

01:43:00.640 if you had youtube screen you could make it as big or as small as you want it which i kind

01:43:03.760 only know the benefit is yeah but you could like scroll twitter over here and like watch

01:43:07.680 oh yeah i made a video on it oh but it's all happening in front of you yeah but you can play 0.77

01:43:13.200 shit around you so there's yeah so so go there so like that's what it looks like like the joke in 0.91

01:43:17.920 this is i'm playing like subway surfer while she's talking to me and that's real so you could be 0.98

01:43:21.760 talking to someone in front of you yeah and be playing i have a window open somehow virtually between

01:43:26.960 you guys that you see through the art you could be on a date with a girl and

01:43:29.760 realistically be watching a theo von podcast wow so it's i don't i don't know the the benefit

01:43:36.640 of it is like if you just want to i don't really know like sit on your couch and not have a tv

01:43:41.520 like the joke in this at the very end of the video i do is the guy lives uh in a studio apartment by

01:43:45.760 himself and he's so lonely and he's like i have everything i ever wanted a tv a kitchen a hot wife

01:43:50.480 and just by himself ah so i think it's great if you're lonely um but i i don't know the full appeal of it

01:43:58.320 quite yet um yeah that's the thing it's like this looks like i'd rather just use my computer 0.66

01:44:05.520 you also look uh insane you look like you should be in the salem witch trials 0.93

01:44:11.280 i can't believe that was real you accuse somebody of being a witch and they're like to the lake yeah 0.99

01:44:16.320 oh this bro there's a um yeah can you imagine that like if you were a witch the salem witch trials 0.98

01:44:24.080 bring these what happened to these bitches well we gotta know man the salem witch trials occurred 1.00

01:44:30.480 in colonial massachusetts well shout out amherst bra is just there this is what happened um yeah 0.94

01:44:36.880 probably by umass um between early 1692 and mid 1693 so bro this was a short this was in a year and a

01:44:44.320 half more than 200 people were accused of practicing witchcraft yeah probably all gemini's too

01:44:49.360 yeah only 20 were executed so 10 percent out of the 200 i wonder what made them can like think

01:44:55.280 that they really were that's a great question yeah can you see what determined if a witch was killed

01:45:00.480 during the um salem witch trials and witches are fake right so those 20 got got 0.85

01:45:05.760 and they weren't witches right well i think there was also some people at that time that was uh witching 0.97

01:45:11.280 oh i would guess you know because somebody's gonna fucking witch if you're chilling that much 0.97

01:45:16.320 has nothing to do yeah that is true it's a good side hustle most accusers were teenage girls mostly 0.97

01:45:22.400 populated by puritan salem village was um it was virtually impossible to disprove charges of

01:45:27.520 witchcraft in salem and defendants were convicted with no evidence other than personal accusations

01:45:32.640 wow the presence of a devil's mark on their bodies and that's where the jury duty came from 0.99

01:45:38.560 the presence of a devil's mark on their body so that's if you had like a birthmark damn 0.95

01:45:42.560 god i've been god i got a birthmark right here drew breeze would have been

01:45:49.040 what were some of the tests does it so unfair which swimming was a practice of tying up and

01:45:54.400 dunking the accused into a body of water to determine whether they sink or float

01:45:59.440 sinking to the bottom indicated the accused was innocent while floating indicated a guilty verdict

01:46:04.480 aren't you if you're a little larger you float more

01:46:06.640 yeah so a a thin lady um wasn't a witch right anybody who might have been plus side was 1.00

01:46:16.400 but floating indicated guilt sam witch yeah dude that's crazy though so you just

01:46:23.440 man that would be the worst because it's basically being the dunk tank or whatever yeah i don't like 0.75

01:46:27.280 like how would you make yourself sink if you were a witch we just hold your breath i would swim down to 0.97

01:46:32.320 the bottom too i'm sure you're like back there about to go out and they're like hey do you have any

01:46:36.240 tips or whatever nervous yeah people like yeah i'm nervous dude swimming at the bottom

01:46:41.760 yeah how long do you have to be at the bottom before you indicated that you're innocent

01:46:45.520 and then even if you're innocent you come back up um during the salem witch trials in 1692 and 1693

01:46:51.360 there were several tests used to determine if someone was a witch the touch test the afflicted

01:46:56.320 person someone who claimed to be under the influence of witchcraft would convulse or exhibit

01:47:00.800 symptoms in the presence of the accused if the afflicted person stopped convulsing upon touching

01:47:05.600 the accused it was believed to be the evidence of witchcraft wow dude the saddest one is number 0.98

01:47:10.640 six just confession fucking i'm a witch that's just somebody who's just like i'm done with this 0.99

01:47:14.560 planet wow confession many accused individuals were coerced or tortured into confessing to 0.94

01:47:20.240 witchcraft that's kind of sad oh physical examination for witches marks number five the accused would be

01:47:26.880 searched for supposed physical marks believed to be signs of witchcraft such as moles birthmarks or

01:47:31.040 scars dude what if you just have a mole on your back and they're like this is a freaking chocolate 0.95

01:47:35.440 chip of hell yeah it's witchcraft that's the devil trying to communicate with us you're a mole yeah 0.99

01:47:41.920 that's crazy damn that would be just be so tough because you're always i would have to just i bet for 0.99

01:47:47.440 that year and a half people were acting like they're not we're not a witch yeah yeah like you can't even 0.98

01:47:51.680 sneeze you can't blow out candles like imagine it's your birthday and they blow out these candles you're

01:47:56.000 oh yeah i can't do that you see a broom you have to be like oh what is that yeah yeah yeah why don't

01:48:01.760 i beat my husband in the head with it huh why don't i beat maestro mac in the head yeah wait people use 1.00

01:48:07.600 these to fly what the fuck he was like don't do drugs and his wife would just be in the fucking head 1.00

01:48:14.480 and people were like god god those those school assemblies it's just on set like wwe like it just 0.99

01:48:22.160 makes you want to wrestle or do drugs well you were always it was such a crazy time to see everybody

01:48:26.720 too because nothing uh the first one we ever had i remember in junior high in uh middle school kids

01:48:34.080 were peeing on the heaters in the bathroom there's old school heaters and it would steam up the bathroom 0.96

01:48:38.880 like a sauna yes you couldn't even like walk it like you couldn't see you just piss babe dude so people 0.88

01:48:46.880 were just making it oh just making it fucking steam up in there that's horrendous and um and 0.98

01:48:53.440 then you'd see some dude in there with his shirt off like what the fuck like kind of things that are 0.98

01:48:57.680 equinox this trank addict doing what uh that was kind of crazy but then as you got into junior high 0.97

01:49:03.680 or high school too the assemblies were just because you got to sit with your boys and meet see your 0.94

01:49:08.160 boys outside out of class and shit it was fun it was so did you guys have talent shows and stuff 0.87

01:49:12.880 like that i don't think we did oh we had talent shows dude do you ever sign up uh i got to host 0.91

01:49:18.000 it one time with my friend rebecca yeah that's pretty cool and yeah this girl played piano in it 0.99

01:49:23.520 one time and i'd never heard a girl play piano before and she sang bro yeah she's a fucking witch 1.00

01:49:28.240 oh yeah yeah we fucking cooked her the next day i was like that that sounds like a ringtone fryer ass 0.99

01:49:38.400 damn yeah i don't know i don't i don't know if we ever had uh that was the only assembly we had 0.99

01:49:46.160 was that i don't think we had other ones pep rallies were pretty hell rallies what was that just to get 0.98

01:49:50.400 fired up on the school yeah it's like fourth of july for your school it was like we're gonna win and we

01:49:55.440 never won dude people were like people were like are we gonna win that was even like the most hopeful

01:50:00.960 sign that somebody would make are we gonna win the prep rally you're not gonna win your school's

01:50:04.960 already filled with losers right we need to cheer ourselves up yeah yeah we might not win some of

01:50:11.600 the signs yeah buff schools never had those rallies oh bro our school was we could not win 0.99

01:50:16.480 shit dude we guys go to any sports like our school's like really good at tennis and swimming 0.98

01:50:21.920 you know white people oh really that's hella white we had rotc like the wooden gun gang or 0.99

01:50:26.240 whatever great those dudes that would like yeah the guy would flash his wooden gun during school 0.99

01:50:31.200 i'd be like what the fuck are you doing he'd be like you're gonna finish that blueberry muffin 0.98

01:50:34.960 you're like yeah and he's like what about now he has two splinters on his hand dude then the kids 0.99

01:50:39.840 from woodshop come up and back you up leave him alone leave him alone corbin put the cookies down 0.91

01:50:46.800 those kids were crazy but that was kind of fun if you took woodshop in high school you were a stoner

01:50:51.840 you just you either made a birdhouse you made a bong that was it yeah you're like i made a

01:50:55.280 pipe or something yeah some dude somebody's always trying to make their sister like a little um 1.00

01:51:00.320 table or something or there's always something real sad going on in there yeah carving like a sparrow

01:51:05.920 a box for uh yeah there's woodshop bombs right there yeah dude which i was just like a stoner's dream 0.90

01:51:12.720 he's just doing nothing all day except labor work and you know i fucking love this class 0.84

01:51:17.840 and the crazy part was the saws were always going to nobody could hear anybody 0.91

01:51:22.160 the teacher's giving instructions but nobody can hear

01:51:28.000 what a waste of a class but in the best way dude we i don't know if i talked about this before but i

01:51:32.320 had to we had the science teacher in 11th grade and he i think he got fired because he stared these 0.96

01:51:36.880 girls tits he would sit this girl in the front row i think i talked about this maybe on here before 1.00

01:51:41.360 but he'd sit on the front row and we would count because it's a hot chick and me and my friend next 1.00

01:51:45.040 or we count every time you look at her tits yeah yeah it's crazy dude oh like blatant oh yeah and 1.00

01:51:51.920 you got a support guy whose team are you on uh it was i was just i was there for a good game yeah 0.99

01:51:57.840 you know it's like two teams in the super bowl you don't care about but it's a good team for some 0.99

01:52:00.720 matchup because she would lean into it she would like fuck with him yeah yeah he probably uh is not 0.99

01:52:05.200 doing well now but uh yeah there was always those chicks that started to know they had power over 1.00

01:52:09.200 the teacher too yeah and they would just like wear like um yeah like show more uh tits um test day 1.00

01:52:17.520 coming up yeah dude we had a guy who came in the class he started this is the first dude i ever heard 0.93

01:52:24.480 talk about kombucha right this is 20 years ago this dude came in started yelling he had a huge thing of

01:52:30.320 like a big huge glass jar he made of kombucha yeah and water whatever and he's telling everybody's like

01:52:37.840 this is the secret of the future right this will change your life and then he would like go into

01:52:43.440 like the little closet that was attached to the classroom and come out like 30 minutes later and

01:52:48.160 people were like what the fuck was he just making boots back there we have no idea what he was doing 0.87

01:52:53.120 but it was so bizarre and then he came because our main teacher got busted dating a girl at school they 0.97

01:52:58.480 they put a wire on her and um they were gonna run off together and they uh the cops caught him

01:53:03.680 somewhere like on the highway damn and we all like kind of felt we felt i mean obviously it was messed

01:53:09.200 up yeah but everybody just was like man just it was sad because everybody loved him too he's an

01:53:14.000 awesome teacher he didn't seem like a bad guy you know um i think there's you know i think a lot of

01:53:21.680 i think some dudes that teach never their brain never leaves high school too you know no i mean they're

01:53:26.320 just surrounded by high school and eventually they're just like these are my co-workers question mark

01:53:30.720 it's a yeah yeah i don't know it's when these guys get busted for it it's sad as 0.62

01:53:35.200 fuck yeah yeah the whole thing's just sad you know yeah um did you see those trump sneakers that came out

01:53:42.720 oh yeah yeah yeah the funniest comment was like those are the january sixes 0.99

01:53:47.680 shabby i'm fucking crying can we see a photo of them they're just they look like like uh hulk hogan or 0.97

01:53:53.680 like uh oh they do kind of i didn't even think about that or uh fuck what's his name uh rick flair they 0.97

01:53:59.200 they just look like they make you want to go yeah they kind of a hacksaw jim duggan vibe too they 0.94

01:54:03.920 kind of have that 80s like i wonder if a lot of black dudes would support these as well these might

01:54:09.280 be pretty tough man yeah dude you could probably flip those pretty good can you see them can we get a

01:54:14.720 better look at them nick they should have like a song that plays when you walk in them oh yeah yeah

01:54:20.400 i wanna be american i think he could have what would he have

01:54:27.520 each step yeah each step is another note yeah you gotta complete the song that should

01:54:34.000 have heelys in it oh yeah but it has like a little uh like a mud flap behind it

01:54:41.600 bro those are actually kind of tough bro do you think we can get a pair of those nick

01:54:46.640 yes for everybody uh can i have one how about this let's start with a pair

01:54:55.760 and then we'll let everybody choose if they want that if they do want those

01:55:00.080 or if we all want them i don't know so there's gonna be a museum one day and in like a hundred

01:55:04.400 years you're gonna be what the fuck is going on in 2024 the air trumps dude but that's just where we 0.92

01:55:10.400 are it's like what if they had like oh you know people from the past like political like what if you 0.89

01:55:14.080 had the uh the frederick douglas high tops yeah dude you know man this would be kind of hard 0.98

01:55:22.640 a link in threes dog yeah oh yeah fucking harriet tubman crocs 1.00

01:55:30.560 uh wait so donald trump booed while promoting 399 sneakers one day after court orders and would pay 0.99

01:55:36.240 355 million oh he got booed yeah who knows if he did you just you never know that's the thing about

01:55:42.320 the news now you don't know what happened yeah but are they booing the shoe or the fact that the

01:55:45.600 court ordered him so much money yeah that's a good question they don't tell you the shoe um

01:55:52.160 he's pulling well it says but you can picture the guy who's gonna wear those he's got like an

01:55:55.920 affliction t-shirt he's got the faux hawk you think yeah i think so he's got a couple of like side

01:56:01.200 like lines shaved on the side of his head i could see those doing well for some reason because there's

01:56:06.160 just something in the like because a lot of like the culture supports trump you know like a lot of

01:56:11.360 like a lot of black folks support trump you know it really came around it's like a lot a lot of black

01:56:16.000 dudes are like that's my guy yeah so it's kind of interesting i wonder you show one rapper sporting 0.99

01:56:21.440 those dude and it's a fucking touchdown you know now he sold a lot of weird shit on his uh oh here it is 0.98

01:56:27.680 right here there's a lot of emotion in this room oh he's at sneaker con 1.00

01:56:37.840 dude getting booed and saying thank you is a power move i will say

01:56:43.600 trump just does whatever he's supposed to do huh he didn't even know there he is

01:56:48.000 this is not he's at sneaker con let's see well i don't think that's his audience he's got to go to

01:56:52.640 like a tgi fridays but is that what happened or is that ai you just don't know that's a thing now

01:56:59.040 can you go to the website where it looks like it's like get trump sneakers.com yeah that's what

01:57:02.400 i want to see because they also sell that uh 47 cologne 45 cologne trump has his own cologne bro

01:57:08.400 really yeah yeah i mean like dude think about how much merch hello kitty has like we might as well 0.95

01:57:12.880 like fucking double down like hello kitty is making bags just existing yeah which is crazy there's an 0.96

01:57:19.120 asian cat that's actually not being compromised in his home country okay yeah i think it was a 0.99

01:57:29.360 website i think it was get trump shoes or something like that yeah what did that say get trump sneakers

01:57:34.480 or something yeah i believe so yeah i mean if i'm him yeah i'm selling everything you get as much

01:57:40.320 money as you can but i mean he's already so goddamn rich i don't know but is he they just took 355

01:57:45.600 million from there oh maybe that's why there's a lot of these courts now they're trying to break 0.60

01:57:49.360 his bank now that's another thing they're doing like i'm not saying he's not guilty of some of this

01:57:53.520 stuff but they're really hashing out they sold out wow oh they only had a thousand pairs each are

01:57:59.200 numbered i just got the pre-order for the uh tesla the cyber truck yeah really have you seen one in

01:58:04.800 person yet there's two options they said there's a regular option that comes out in may

01:58:09.040 uh-huh or there's a cyber beast that comes out probably in like december what'd you do i don't

01:58:16.480 know it's kind of you kind of want it soon yeah i mean i've never like i've been holding out for

01:58:21.360 like a year and a half to wait to get myself a new vehicle yeah so part of me is like maybe i should 0.93

01:58:25.920 just get it but the cyber beast has um holy shit the cyber beast has like the bar across the top with 0.90

01:58:33.840 like the light bar and stuff the cyber truck doesn't have that oh okay are they bulletproof 0.99

01:58:40.320 yeah and that's one thing that i'm excited about dude shit gets you just it's weird in the world 0.97

01:58:44.400 yeah it's weird in the world these days um what else you got going on man are you thinking about 0.98

01:58:49.680 doing new stuff where's your like production brain at because you're always kind of thinking

01:58:53.120 of what's new or what's next like what do you see kind of happening in like technology or in like

01:58:58.240 performance or like what's like keeping you excited god keep me excited man um if you don't

01:59:04.160 have an answer that's fine did you say something nick nope okay sorry yeah i don't know i mean i'm

01:59:09.600 just building up material again which is kind of fun it's like terrifying just because like lately i've

01:59:14.080 been doing all new shit and then i'll end with like an old joke from the special in the barometer 0.81

01:59:17.920 what the the old shit from the special gets versus some of the new stuff it's tough but when that 0.98

01:59:23.120 new stuff really starts hitting it's fucking exciting so i'm in the role of that um just 0.99

01:59:28.000 doing just doing shows and shit really um have you been down in the mothership i have i did kill 0.98

01:59:33.120 tony out there oh yeah yeah that was fun bro the success of kill tony can we look at that for a 0.97

01:59:38.080 second it's crazy he sold out madison square garden i think twice unbelievable yeah from the belly

01:59:43.760 room to that i mean it's fucking awesome i mean i i usually watch it pretty much every monday it's like 0.75

01:59:47.600 really it's a it's a very well structured show and dude one thing i'll say the best sets that

01:59:54.160 i've had on stage um in a club this year were at the mothership i think because there's no phones

02:00:00.480 oh so you know you're safe yeah so your brain knows you're safe and i think your brain is like

02:00:05.760 more liable to do its best work if it knows that it's not going to be compromised or it can be it can

02:00:11.680 get something wrong yeah you know and acoustically it sounds good too yeah yeah it's great down there

02:00:17.120 it's fun comfortable but yeah this kill tony's unbelievable dude um he had the other night i'm

02:00:24.160 watching there's 81 000 people watching at the same time oh live 81 000 do you know how hard it is to 0.78

02:00:32.240 get 81 000 people to do something live i pull a dick out and i'm maybe at 3 000 maybe yeah that's 0.86

02:00:38.320 crazy well it's the biggest live podcast it's fucking awesome it's huge it's on kudos to him

02:00:43.120 it's launching careers and i mean kudos to red band yeah it's uh it's unbelievable it's the gong

02:00:49.920 show yeah yeah and i mean it's uh it's america's got it people you know but that's also what it is

02:01:00.080 it's like the laugh factory open mic got really weird for a while like when i was doing it early

02:01:04.640 on like 2015 it's like because people flying from florida would be like this is my one chance

02:01:08.800 at making it in hollywood yeah so now i think kill tony's that where yeah it's a lot of austin comics

02:01:13.680 but it's also people who are flying in from fucking chug water wyoming to be like today's my day yeah 0.93

02:01:20.160 and it might be some people get up there and they're in front of a million people 81 000 live 0.82

02:01:24.720 and they have no material they're up there just like i just want to say hi tony

02:01:29.440 but it's like yeah like you said it's like america's got talent you want to see people bomb you want

02:01:32.240 to see people do good and the the the hilarity of it too is they give them one minute right which

02:01:37.120 is you're not you can't it's impossible it's so hard yeah and then then they get to rip the guy 0.97

02:01:45.440 of fucking 11 new assholes yeah for 20 minutes professional comedian versus a guy who was told 0.99

02:01:51.360 he was funny at a gender reveal six months ago i mean this structure is like so in favor of tony that's 0.99

02:01:58.160 why and tony's so good at it tony is so fucking funny and quick with it but yeah to do a minute 0.89

02:02:03.760 like i was talking about doing five minutes at the arena show a minute in front of like

02:02:08.080 to get a premise out where people like right off the bat like you i mean dude i mean i was you you've

02:02:14.400 been a judge on it right how quiet the crowd gets when that person grabs a mic to start their minute

02:02:22.000 i mean it is dead side i was right next to this guy he was bombing i could feel the pulse in his 0.96

02:02:26.640 dick just shriveling up i mean dude i mean this guy went up and immediately insulted the crowd 0.96

02:02:33.280 and i it i just had like the secondhand embarrassment you could feel everybody turn

02:02:38.320 so quick on it dude i mean like yeah it's so tough it's so the odds you being successful and then they

02:02:46.560 literally rip they have no chill for anybody to go to the guy i forget what he was wearing but he had

02:02:53.200 like a like a button-up t-shirt maybe you can scroll around keep going but he walks out and

02:02:57.280 immediately insults the audience and the thing with the show is like this show is so big and their fans

02:03:02.720 are so loyal that these people love tony they love the show so you insult it no not that guy he was

02:03:08.320 actually really sweet look like johnny sins it might have been earlier i wish i had the 0.93

02:03:12.160 fucking apple provisions uh keep going wow how would that help you right now because i could scroll 0.96

02:03:16.800 up my face and fucking do a little thing and find it keep going this guy opens and he literally 1.00

02:03:22.560 insults the crowd and then just proceeds to eat shit for a minute it's coming up it might be after 0.99

02:03:29.280 this guy it's not it might be after david yeah i mean it's launching careers like people are getting 0.97

02:03:34.880 known people you know cam patterson i want to go spend time this guy go to the beginning of a set

02:03:39.760 he's i love cam cam's really funny good dude go to the beginning dude i mean you can feel how tense

02:03:46.400 it is up there yeah that should be perhaps mantilla

02:03:54.080 what's going on y'all oh thank you uh you ugly people uh thank you for coming out i appreciate that

02:04:03.120 um i know what you're thinking why is my gta drug dealer but yeah 300 people just 0.98

02:04:10.480 because then you're just setting yourself up for just you ugly people yeah i wonder what inside

02:04:15.040 of him made him think that that was just good nervous yeah and it is a roast show so you're 0.96

02:04:20.400 kind of like off the yeah there's a blind dude there yeah it's a painted that one got black that 0.92

02:04:25.680 got in black they edit that in yeah studying on brian simpson yeah that's good and then here's

02:04:33.600 the crazy part they have the it's jim norton right there they have the black brian they have uh brian

02:04:38.240 is basically the black red band yeah you don't know what's going on here dude it's so good i saw

02:04:43.760 an episode recently this guy went up there and opened with like oh it's great to be on like america's 0.63

02:04:48.160 got talent like trailer park edition and then ate shit for a minute and the second his minute was up 0.90

02:04:53.520 tony was like huh america's the trash version huh and then you just bought like i think that the 0.96

02:04:58.880 everybody is there for tony in the show so when you talk about the show yeah and you haven't earned it

02:05:02.960 like they turn on you so quickly you gotta respect it but like being next that you could just feel how 0.96

02:05:07.440 tense it was i mean to do a minute i mean it's it's it's a fucking god-awful format for a new 0.91

02:05:14.400 stand-up but if you do well it launches your career well it's just amazing what they're doing it's

02:05:18.240 amazing that they that's they're doing that with a table yeah a couple of cameras and a comedy stage

02:05:25.440 a table they're fucking set up it's a you know yeah it's a podcast yeah they used that for a pot 0.89

02:05:30.080 look the other day yeah they're probably gonna try and get bought out but like the how the show is 0.95

02:05:34.320 right now is perfect and like you really don't need to change anything honestly yeah i mean in

02:05:37.680 why yeah if you could travel with that show for the next couple years and do it on the road and dude

02:05:41.840 it's it's huge i can recognize for being on that show more than just not more but but just like

02:05:45.920 random someone's like oh i saw you on kill tony it's like yeah oh it's the number one thing that

02:05:49.680 i hear people say a lot just like oh that kind of just surprised me like oh yeah we just went

02:05:54.400 flew to austin for kill tony yeah well it's also a big uh there's a big community in it where

02:06:00.400 like it's it's almost exciting where like the reddit will kind of go crazy oh i heard theo's

02:06:04.880 the guest on on this week's episode because since they bank shoot they don't really know but it's

02:06:09.280 like oh theo's in austin that people start doing the dots and shit putting things up yeah it's kind

02:06:13.360 of like a fun because it brings all corners of the comedy world in it and there's those characters

02:06:17.840 it's like a reality show honestly yeah you want to see them want to see what's going on with their life

02:06:21.920 yeah man um and they have crazy moments that rick flair moment where he just said i'm going to bed

02:06:26.800 or whatever that he didn't understand the concept of it yeah was he hammered he's just like hey stop

02:06:30.960 roasting these people it's like i will never say anything bad about a veteran okay that's like

02:06:39.040 tony's icon right there too he loves rick flair i was like i'm not a veteran he was like i'll

02:06:44.240 go into bed um he uh the one there was one the other day with mark norman that was so funny dude

02:06:52.160 it's all great moments on there yeah that's rick flair leaving um yeah what else do you think about

02:06:57.600 doing a film or do you start to piece any stuff like i know you were talking about doing a tv show

02:07:01.120 at one point yeah i've pitched some stuff i'm kind of working with a few people on on something but i

02:07:05.360 think my main focus is anything that i can make i don't want to be like there's too many uh i guess

02:07:11.760 roadblocks going to some of these so i'll show interest if somebody wants to work with me i'll be

02:07:15.200 like hey i'm down but like you got to come to me like this is what i'm working on so you got to like

02:07:19.360 equal that or like meet me halfway i think yeah so i'm doing a lot of that but really just trying

02:07:23.520 to um elevate what i'm already doing just shoot more sketches put out more shit try different formats 0.77

02:07:28.720 uh youtube's in a weird place where it's like what they want is very different it's very like

02:07:32.480 like like sketch comedy i wouldn't say it's dead but it's not in the forefront you know people want

02:07:37.200 to be talked to you know they want to like you want to do stuff to a camera like if i was doing a

02:07:43.440 sketch instead of being like me and you in the sketch i would just do like pov and then the camera is

02:07:48.720 you just like talking to me because people just want to be talked to huh so i don't really know what

02:07:52.800 the fuck is going on the internet like i i think i do and then i post something and then a week later 0.94

02:07:56.960 it's not really that so i don't really yeah it's tough to know it's tough to know and it's tough to 0.99

02:08:01.440 know if it's just like a lull in the vibe that week of humanity or if people are studying for

02:08:07.840 exams or people are taking the away on vacation or something it's hard to know what's up power

02:08:13.280 outage in little rock you never really know sometimes i think about going down to austin

02:08:16.880 though for a while yeah yeah just because there is a sense there's an energy down there that's

02:08:22.960 exciting it is exciting you know one of my openers chance willie is moving down there from nashville

02:08:28.160 yeah um and there's just an energy there it's like yeah it's fun you go up in the room ron white's

02:08:34.320 sitting in there shane gillis is there now you know um tim dylan pops in and out did you ever get

02:08:41.040 just like a small little like condo over there that's what i think i would probably do just get

02:08:44.160 a house or a small house or just something real well something nothing fancy or anything just a

02:08:48.960 place where i could go and be there and maybe try it for a month or two you know yeah where are you

02:08:52.880 getting up now or just doing your shows um i'm in nashville now but i'm going to australia uh 0.91

02:08:58.240 tonight tonight yeah holy shit that flight is crazy yeah it's gonna be long yeah yeah do you take 0.89

02:09:05.120 anything on flights or no you just sit there with your thoughts and think about life yeah i'll just 0.96

02:09:09.280 take um nyquil probably yeah because i had a little bit of a fever yesterday but that mormon perk 30 right

02:09:15.040 yeah yeah dude huh how long are you in australia for shout out to all the black mormons too dude 0.74

02:09:19.760 show hey show up huh y'all if you're a black mormon man send in a video we want to connect with you

02:09:25.840 guys and have some fellowship with you guys bring them in how long are you in australia for uh three

02:09:30.400 weeks yeah it's long so we did a month just yeah we wanted to take some days off and i just want to

02:09:35.280 be able to have a little bit more of an actual time over there you know yeah it's so fun yeah dude

02:09:40.240 there's no guns out there it's crazy wow there's like none i saw a cop arresting you guys like get

02:09:44.560 down your finger really and the guy just went like this and just folded them in he's like dude now

02:09:49.040 it's pointed at me i started making out it's fucking awesome dude yeah if you see if you go 0.89

02:09:53.520 to brisbane you can uh just point a finger gun at a cop yeah don't do that but yeah they don't have 0.91

02:09:58.320 guns out there apparently in the 80s or the 90s there's one massacre shooting and then they all

02:10:03.440 were like hey bring your gun here we're getting rid of them for 500 you give us your gun we'll give you 0.99

02:10:07.520 500 bucks everybody just did it they should roll up in the in america and do that shit especially in the 0.99

02:10:13.680 hood man yeah but somebody would get shot at that event yeah but still dude turn those choppers 1.00

02:10:19.120 over dude a couple of young bangers shot up the fucking chiefs parade did you see that i didn't 0.98

02:10:23.920 see that dude can you imagine your team wins the super bowl and somebody's rolling up shooting 0.99

02:10:30.000 just heartbreaking man you know dude i mean fucking the more and more there is that cyber truck is 0.90

02:10:34.800 sounding a little more like that's what i'm saying that's funny because everything follows suit like 0.97

02:10:39.360 when push to start cars started it was like rare and it was luxury now like a kia sorrento's got

02:10:44.240 them so in the future nissan altimas are going to be bulletproof which let's be honest they should

02:10:48.560 have been bulletproof already okay nissan altimas are like the hood car yeah when did that happen

02:10:55.280 well it used to be the honda civic man when i was coming up yeah there was a lot of like a lot of

02:11:00.080 kind of thicker white chicks would date a brother and she would have the honda civic and he would drop 1.00

02:11:05.040 her off at work in her car yeah and then now everything's changed and now it's

02:11:09.120 it's the um what'd you say nissan altimas yeah dude you see one of those pull up fully tinted

02:11:14.480 dude they tint the front window too that's how you know somebody has a gun i saw the headlights

02:11:18.480 and you can't see the fucking headlights exactly um yeah it's definitely like a oh 0.99

02:11:25.280 shit we should go inside car yeah i don't know what it is but the rest of nissans are like family cars 1.00

02:11:30.880 like you just get like a like a tundra you're like that's a chill car you put altima you're like 0.96

02:11:36.560 someone's getting shot those are nice dude there's a lot of nice cars now a lot of cars look

02:11:40.720 cool now i feel like almost every car does even the new prius you're like oh okay yeah i'll get

02:11:45.440 a handy one of those um did you see zuckerberg at the ufc fight oh yeah wasn't he like just hanging

02:11:50.960 out with the boys i kept like passing t-shirts over him just so bizarre like so he's helping

02:11:55.280 somebody get into the ring right nick yeah he walked out with volk man he walked out with volk

02:12:07.760 dude this is me when my phone dies and i'm at a restaurant with my friends oh man that's tough

02:12:15.040 huh dude dude he's like bobbing his head like he's listening to like bob marley

02:12:18.720 one love yeah it's almost like he's just so in his head like okay this is how you seem normal he's

02:12:24.480 like he doesn't know how to be normal he's worth like 150 billion dollars but he can't pay to be

02:12:29.760 normal he doesn't know how you think hey spend a bill on normal enough yeah bro hire a city to come 0.92

02:12:35.680 over once a week and be like hey this is fucking saint louis this is how you're gonna be for a week 0.95

02:12:41.360 drinking water yeah like that's so bizarre he doesn't know how to just be a computer man it's 0.95

02:12:50.000 you know we're just talking about this earlier today it's that's where we are he's a computer

02:12:54.880 yeah he's like how do i drink water appropriately what do i do now i mean when he's at home like

02:12:59.360 you gotta imagine like he's not chewing his food for him you know he sleeps in a coffin oh yeah it's 0.92

02:13:07.120 got like their guns in it and shit but i think somebody chews up his food and gives it to him 0.99

02:13:12.480 when you're that rich i don't think you do anything oh i would hire a strong mexican guy to cuddle my 0.99

02:13:20.320 wife i'd have him butter my bread oh have you seen the guy that i have oh rich have i seen the guy

02:13:26.960 that's what he takes his he's trying to be like the youngest guy in the world he takes his son's blood 1.00

02:13:31.200 and infuses it johnson is his name right you got to get him on the show he's a fucking character 0.98

02:13:35.440 really not in a good way and he's eating his son's blood yeah it's really weird but he's but 0.99

02:13:40.880 he's like doing these things she like measures his erections at night he's like i want to have 0.99

02:13:44.640 the erection of a 21 year old it's like it's a little fucking weird dude you want to get hard 0.99

02:13:50.320 every time you see spike tv pop up on screen fuck yeah it's fucking weird it's really weird and he looks 1.00

02:13:57.440 not amazing for how much he's doing brian johnson the tech founder spending millions to be 18 again says 0.98

02:14:03.680 his goal is to make death optional um yeah they say only two things in life for a certain death in

02:14:09.840 taxes billionaire biohacker brian johnson doesn't subscribe to that opinion the tech entrepreneur

02:14:14.640 has gained notoriety for two million dollar a year anti-aging routine he's named the blueprint protocol

02:14:22.960 um he also uh for johnson this entails eating his last meal at 11 a.m sleeping alone taking more than

02:14:29.600 a hundred supplements a day he also subjects himself to a vast array of tests and experiments

02:14:34.400 blood plasma transfusions microneedling full body led exposure and mri scans to name a few wow yeah

02:14:41.440 so he goes through all that and then type in his name and his age and then guess how old he is or

02:14:45.520 type in a photo of him and guess how old he is okay don't tell me how old he is just let's get a photo of

02:14:49.440 him up nick please like so this guy is spending his entire he's he's a tech millionaire maybe

02:14:56.720 billionaire he's loaded as hell grandin though i mean he i don't he's temple grandin

02:15:04.480 and she was one of the first uh trans um cattle ranchers really oh i can see it yeah dude this guy

02:15:14.720 uh this guy maybe he spends so much money that's if get that even in the red shirt no no get that

02:15:23.680 red one nope uh top right there it is yeah so this guy's paying billions of dollars look like temple

02:15:31.360 grandin dude yes so how old do you think he is and he's spending millions of dollars he sleeps alone

02:15:37.120 his last meal is at 11 a.m he has 100 pills a day and he takes his son's blood which is so weird 0.99

02:15:41.760 hey son you mind putting down fortnight real quick daddy needs some sucky suck this guy at 1.00

02:15:46.560 salem witch trials would be drowned for even blinking damn how the fuck is behind those eyes 1.00

02:15:54.080 brian johnson uh i would say he is 1.00

02:16:01.040 i would say he's 42 years old he's 46 okay but like

02:16:08.080 i feel like you see people around hollywood that look like that i mean it's all from plastic 0.97

02:16:11.440 surgery and they're all gonna fucking yeah he looks just like one of those people that does 0.95

02:16:15.120 too much to their face and it makes them look like strange yeah you know like at a certain point 0.96

02:16:20.880 you just start to look strange what's that shirt with a picture with him with no shirt on that's

02:16:24.400 interesting there's madonna right there and i mean it's all like without plastic surgeon and 0.99

02:16:31.760 listen he'll live longer than i will and he'll be cremated and turn into a fucking dumbbell or 0.99

02:16:37.360 something but i mean we got to get temple grandin on here yeah it's just like it's just an interesting 0.98

02:16:44.160 i don't know yeah he looks like a um bad guy in one of those uh hannibal lecter movies he looked

02:16:52.000 like the first bad guy who's like lactose intolerant yeah you know like to one carton of milk and this

02:16:57.200 guy is out for a week this guy's on the shitter dude um i went to this chick's house you did yeah

02:17:04.160 a girl you're dating her friend uh two different stories oh then i have a question for you i went 0.97

02:17:07.760 to this girl's house and she had a squatty potty i'll never be able to look at her again the same 1.00

02:17:12.160 and what is that it's where you put your feet up like this on that thing yeah bam so you 0.99

02:17:16.800 shit harder wow and are you shitting for like impact or something i don't know she's trying 0.98

02:17:22.160 to break it for speed or whatever like what's the purpose of it i don't know but like i just can't 0.99

02:17:26.400 yeah so like it just it's just like funny to walk into somebody's bathroom to use it and

02:17:30.640 just picture them just being like blowing it up oh i don't know man yeah because that really i

02:17:36.880 guess when you do that it really it puts it's it's more like a japanese technique i think you have

02:17:44.320 your feet up high that's why they kind of shitting holes from what i've heard i remember in africa

02:17:47.760 we went on a safari and you would go in you think it was a bathroom you would open the door and it was 0.78

02:17:51.680 just a hole and you would just literally just poop into a hole did it help squatty potty here you go

02:17:56.320 it's just it evens out that um it unkinks the rectum unkinks the rectum even say that again 0.97

02:18:01.920 slower dog what yeah oh i have a question for you a girl i'm seeing now i guess you went on a date

02:18:07.040 with her one time dude i guess it's beef say that it's beef dude no no that means it's cool that means

02:18:14.080 like i'm equally as hot as theo bro but it was like years ago okay did you say i was a nice guy yeah

02:18:21.520 she said you were like shy okay that checks out but like yeah like i i think it was just like you

02:18:28.880 guys were just said you would ask like really random questions oh god like oh what's your

02:18:34.000 favorite time of day to get a big mac well it's before 11 a.m if you're brian johnson i'll tell you

02:18:41.520 that what uh you've been dating or what yeah what's going on man i've been i'd gone on a few dates but

02:18:47.360 there was a gallows dating in nashville some and then we said that ended up not working and

02:18:53.280 i've just been too busy there was a gallon la been kind of talking to him that um i just don't have

02:18:58.960 the i just can't keep it up right now yeah you know the relationship yeah your tour schedule is crazy

02:19:03.760 yeah and i just i'm liking working i want to be you know these are like the the couple of years i might

02:19:08.000 be able to do some fun stuff and yeah definitely and it's a i don't know i like working i want to

02:19:14.240 think about like we're trying to do like some philanthropy stuff this year so just i want to

02:19:20.000 you only have so much time so i don't know yeah no i don't think you're doing anything you get your

02:19:23.920 loving on the run a little bit here and there but that gets scary because like a chick will send you 0.98

02:19:28.560 dm and then they screen grab your shit and stuff you know and it's like but i never say like nothing 0.95

02:19:33.840 like let me see that frosty or whatever you know like i'll just but even sorry dairy queen hacked my phone 0.99

02:19:40.000 yeah that's why i never i have friends who sexed like crazy i will never yeah it's just too it's 0.95

02:19:47.200 too weird also like if a girl's like sexing you and then you look at it the next morning you're like 0.99

02:19:52.640 who the who am i yeah i need to find god 100 you typed out let me see that puss period put me in jail 0.99

02:20:00.960 brother like it's it's just so weird that or like right out if you like jerk off right after it's like 0.94

02:20:05.920 you look at your text and you're like how do i throw how do i get a new phone plan yeah how do 0.97

02:20:10.800 i switch to singular after that shit you ever nut so hard to go back to boost mobile dude it's 1.00

02:20:16.800 fucking disgusting after that you nut and they're still sending you like sexy messages oh god that's 1.00

02:20:22.640 the craziest yeah your phone should shut down your phone should shut down after you yeah you know how 1.00

02:20:29.440 you try to lock your phone or if you try to unlock a phone too many times it locks it out yeah the

02:20:33.120 second you nut issue but you are locked out until broad daylight you have to hold your phone in the

02:20:37.360 sun for five minutes to unlock it can you imagine how many just dudes in college would just be outside

02:20:42.240 like this i mean it's hilarious it's hilarious to like both be sexing back and forth and then you

02:20:49.440 just finish and you're like oh yeah i think i like dudes yeah and she's still like yeah now what

02:20:54.320 are you thinking you're like i'm thinking about mcgriddles disgusting i think i like dudes you know 0.72

02:21:00.800 i'm i don't yeah it's it's bizarre it's i mean that's why like after porn i immediately have to 0.92

02:21:05.920 exit out oh of course anybody who gets off during porn anybody who comes and then continues to watch

02:21:13.840 another video or two no that's crazy that's crazy that's like staying for a matinee in another movie

02:21:19.760 dude i'm i exit out of the website mid ejac the second it's leaving my body i'm like and then i find

02:21:26.000 that x button i'm like get this salem witch away dude i want everything to finish at the same time

02:21:32.080 yeah semen out of my body open up go to google images.com yeah it's just a uh hello fresh

02:21:39.200 advertising still open dude that's yeah that's something that um dude i actually that tactic

02:21:45.120 though sometimes i like to look at videos on reddit and they place ads in there sometimes and like you

02:21:51.920 were scrolling through like porn videos i accidentally came to an nba jams ad

02:21:57.680 i was like dude that's actually so cool like if one of my boys saw me like dude he's just 0.85

02:22:00.720 fucking down he's on fire get tested yeah dude it was like if anybody saw me right now this guy 0.89

02:22:07.760 fucking loves basketball he loves brian scalabrini i have this crazy fear that uh the computer if you're 1.00

02:22:15.360 jerking off or watching pornography that their video they're recording back so i'll like put it at an 0.99

02:22:20.560 angle you know so that i can like see the screen but like the camera can't see you're watching it

02:22:25.680 like somebody else's tv on a flight you know

02:22:31.600 dude that's so funny you don't tape up do you tape the screen i should do that yeah it would be 0.96

02:22:36.080 way better but i just well you should put a photo of you holding a sign that says not jerking off in 0.94

02:22:41.360 front of the camera oh yeah but then behind it you're jerking off yeah and then you rip it down 0.94

02:22:46.080 my buddy patrick uh he um were kids he would like hide behind a map like an actual physical 0.98

02:22:54.400 paper map in his car with his parents if they were going somewhere and he would jerk off behind the

02:22:58.480 map that's smart and they're like yeah tell me when to get off the interstate he's like oh

02:23:02.880 coming coming up dude that's so funny dads used to be so good at multitasking they have a full map

02:23:12.320 a family of five valuable lives in the car and he's just being like how do we get to the grand canyon

02:23:18.160 doing a hundred in a volvo station wagon meanwhile two of the kids are sitting in the trunk they're

02:23:22.400 not even in seats and he's doing a hundred multitasking dude dads are crazy bro being a dad has

02:23:29.280 to be i can't i'm amazed that people do it as much as they just turn into like a human swiss army knife

02:23:34.320 and they just yeah i don't know if we're ready for that man you think you're ready yet no but i do

02:23:39.680 want kids eventually but i think about how loud they are oh man yeah i think you have to get out in

02:23:46.160 nature you need to get a kid that's quiet if you're out of nature and stuff kids are quiet if you stay out 0.99

02:23:49.760 live out there yeah but you get in like a bit like i don't want some fucking kid all souped up on nerd 0.99

02:23:55.520 ropes and shit it's time around us for him yeah yeah i mean that's crazy you know i just wish that 0.98

02:24:02.160 you could like i don't know they just just i wish you could like just wear like just like headphones 0.98

02:24:08.720 around them but then people just think you're like a deadbeat dad or whatever daddy or dad

02:24:14.080 yeah i think it's i don't know i would like to have him i gotta get that special someone or you know

02:24:20.000 but dude i when you watch like love on the spectrum you're like oh that's

02:24:23.200 that's that's just like the dates that regular people have really it's really the same it's like

02:24:29.200 awkward people don't know what to say their kisses are always um pretty graphic they'd be kissing

02:24:36.320 hard oh yeah some of them really really kiss hard but they're they're good kisses some of them kiss

02:24:42.240 like it's um like you're trying to win something you know like the shotgun and that smoke in there

02:24:48.560 do you do that with a girl like smoke hookah oh that was smoke in her mouth oh that was the way 1.00

02:24:52.800 you knew if a chick was anywhere yeah it was like oh yeah oh shotgun shot gun it and she's like nah 1.00

02:24:58.720 yeah you're like do it the hookah smoke and you don't know how close to get 1.00

02:25:03.920 start making out with fucking just smoking your mouth or boofing dude my buddy got boofed out by 1.00

02:25:09.360 some chick at a party in chicago what a great place to get boofed some lady was blowing coke up his butt 1.00

02:25:16.800 have you ever done that no dude i wouldn't waste the coke by just blowing it in my ass like a 1.00

02:25:23.440 weirdo isn't that doesn't it jack you up more who cares the fun part i think is doing it up your 1.00

02:25:28.240 fucking face like i've like a real man oh because then people get to see it and you just like it's 0.99

02:25:34.160 that you know nobody's like yeah but i you were you were in you were into cocaine yeah i really liked 0.99

02:25:40.800 it boofing seemed like it could have been up there with like it could have been an option but also 0.98

02:25:44.880 getting a straw or something in your butt like people will use like a mcdonald's straw so i'm 0.95

02:25:48.880 like it's hard enough to get a friend to help you move you're like hey you mind grabbing this 1.00

02:25:53.360 pixie step and blowing it up my asshole oh man i'm busy you can borrow my truck though 0.99

02:26:02.240 yeah all right man yeah i'll be background for it but like let me know about that whole 0.99

02:26:04.720 straw thing like i've just heard it's really beneficial on a buzzfeed article

02:26:08.080 um dude we gotta come i gotta come to your pod man please i'd love to stiff socks that'd be

02:26:14.960 awesome man yeah i've been on there for snippets like a little 10 minute chunks i know we gotta

02:26:18.320 come in we gotta have that chairing situation set up in there too yeah yeah dude whenever you're

02:26:22.560 ready i mean um your your tour schedule is crazy but whenever you're in town for more than uh 38

02:26:26.880 minutes let me know yeah i'm gonna come do it love to get you on dude and um yeah thanks for coming

02:26:31.920 in dude we got to go hit a ufc fight or something together sometime you ever been dude please i would love 0.74

02:26:35.680 to yeah no i just got invited to slap boxing that shit looks fun too really you went no i got 0.87

02:26:39.280 invited to go but i couldn't make it you went yeah have you ever been on nilk podcast no i just saw 0.91

02:26:44.400 those guys in vegas though i'm cool with all those guys yeah did you do it yeah i did it it's fun yeah

02:26:48.800 it's cool they just got a unique audience they got the you know they're fun they're fun group yeah

02:26:53.120 love on the spectrum audience yeah they're always doing fun yeah i love on the spectrum a bunch of 0.90

02:26:57.680 fucking uh yeah a bunch of just tismed out happy dad you know no those guys are those guys are 0.90

02:27:04.240 buddies they're cool yeah they're good man my buddy john shahidi over there it's a fun group 0.97

02:27:08.240 um all right cool bro thanks for coming in dude thank you for having to catch up man nice catching 0.93

02:27:13.280 up dude have fun in australia fucking hit a fucking see what them quokkas up to dude oh yeah 1.00

02:27:18.880 hopefully a girl lets you see some of her quokkas oh i'm sure i'm sure it'll be something there's a 1.00

02:27:24.480 lot of dangerous animals over there so we'll see what happens you'll have a blast

02:27:29.200 um but dude yeah good luck with working on the new material and stuff and um thanks man yeah good

02:27:35.200 to chat with you though yeah good to chat with you too i'll be in nashville in the summer so if you're

02:27:38.160 there we'll uh shoot some shit or have you on the show or do a show yeah yeah thank you all right 0.81

02:27:42.800 thanks for having me now now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these 0.98

02:27:49.280 leaves i must be cornerstone oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can

02:28:01.040 feel it in my bones but it's gonna tell you

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - February 21, 2024

E484 Trevor Wallace

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