This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E502 Nikki Glaser

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00:00:30.120 I have some new tour dates to tell you about.

00:00:33.180 We've added a third show in London on June 16th at the Edmonton Apollo.

00:00:39.200 Tickets go on sale Tuesday, May 14th at 10 a.m. local time.

00:00:44.380 We also have shows in New York City on May 31.

00:00:48.660 Belfast in the U.K. on June 6th.

00:00:52.400 That's an added show.

00:00:54.260 June 7th is sold out.

00:00:55.460 Idaho Falls, we've added a show on June 27th.

00:01:00.380 Salt Lake City, Utah on June 30th.

00:01:03.920 And Las Vegas, Nevada on July 5th and 6th at Resorts World Las Vegas.

00:01:10.380 Get all your tickets at TheoVaughn.com slash T-O-U-R. 0.55

00:01:16.480 And if tickets are too expensive, just wait.

00:01:19.380 We'll come back around.

00:01:21.080 Make sure you buy them through our link and not off of a secondary site.

00:01:25.540 Thank you guys so much for your support.

00:01:28.360 Today's guest is a comedian.

00:01:31.060 She's my friend.

00:01:32.940 She's one of the roasters from the recent Tom Brady roast on Netflix.

00:01:38.300 She's one of the best roasters of all time.

00:01:41.200 She has a new special out on HBO called Someday You'll Die.

00:01:45.780 Today's guest is Nikki Glaser.

00:02:15.780 Yeah, I, um, let me get a sip of this coffee so I don't think I'm going to talk about to a woman. 1.00

00:02:23.300 It's different?

00:02:24.640 Yeah.

00:02:25.540 Really?

00:02:26.080 All good.

00:02:28.360 Yeah, dude, talking to a dang woman, are you kidding me? 1.00

00:02:31.000 Really?

00:02:31.820 Yeah.

00:02:32.940 It's the biggest fear inside of a man, I think, is talking to a woman. 1.00

00:02:37.200 Some people, they, men will, yeah, men, they can't, yeah, people sometimes can't talk to a woman. 0.92

00:02:45.820 Yeah, I, I feel that way, I, I, I have a nervousness around men, like, that I think fell away when I started doing comedy because I just felt like, oh, I'm one of the boys now.

00:02:57.340 Like, men don't treat me differently.

00:02:58.500 They don't see me sexually, like, even though sometimes I do want to be seen that way, but I don't think about it much anymore.

00:03:05.060 But, yeah, I, I, I used to feel that way all the time, but now I feel like I relate to men sometimes more than women and enjoy having conversations

00:03:13.360 because I feel like I pull out, like, a feminine energy from men that I like, that they don't get to express a lot.

00:03:19.800 Like, I like, I like when the guys I'm, a guy I'm dating has women friends because he gets to, like, release some emotion that doesn't have to come out on me.

00:03:28.220 It doesn't, I don't have to be the only place for that because he doesn't feel safe doing it to me because it's not sexy.

00:03:32.540 Right.

00:03:32.900 But he can do it with his girlfriends that there's no sexual vibe so he can get, because women are asking, like, how are you? 0.98

00:03:36.600 And if it's a big lesbian friend, too, you could cry on a lesbian. 1.00

00:03:40.260 Oh, you, absolutely. 0.91

00:03:41.900 I mean, they.

00:03:42.680 I can't because it gets sexual.

00:03:44.720 Yeah. 0.99

00:03:45.240 But a man can cry on a lesbian. 1.00

00:03:46.920 Like, oh, they get a little too comforting to me when I cry.

00:03:49.840 There should be, like, a place, like, in nature or on, I'm not going to say, like, street corners or whatever, but where there is a devout lesbian who is, you know, who is totally has gone through whatever the steps are to be a lesbian and is there to take the journey off of a man to just shoulder some of the burden, you know?

00:04:13.060 Because a lot of men didn't get either one of their parents because one of their parents was gone because of divorce and then the other parent, because of that, had to work.

00:04:22.120 So a lesbian, a tough lesbian, too, not one of these little Las Vegas nightly rental lesbians. 1.00

00:04:29.880 I'm talking about a real fucking oatmeal-eating lesbian. 1.00

00:04:33.620 Do you ever feel, though, that lesbians, like, have no use for you because you're a man? 1.00

00:04:37.940 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:04:38.980 Like, they're just like, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:04:40.940 I don't need to deal with this shit. 1.00

00:04:42.160 Yeah, we are the ugly women, the lesbians. 1.00

00:04:46.840 That's what a man is. 1.00

00:04:47.980 You're the ugly, you just- 1.00

00:04:49.000 How does an ugly woman feel? 1.00

00:04:50.200 Because the lesbians aren't going after her either. 1.00

00:04:52.420 So that's, an ugly woman is an ugly woman to everyone. 1.00

00:04:55.460 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:04:56.440 Shit. 1.00

00:04:56.940 Fuck. 1.00

00:04:57.800 That's why it's so important to stay, like, hot. 1.00

00:05:01.500 You feel like no one wants you.

00:05:03.620 Really?

00:05:04.000 You think that?

00:05:04.980 Yeah.

00:05:05.640 I think it's, yeah. 0.65

00:05:06.960 Is an ugly man acceptable to anyone? 0.97

00:05:08.520 I think there are certain, like, gay guys that are into- 0.98

00:05:12.160 No, I'm joking, dude.

00:05:14.640 These days, first of all, everybody looks pretty good these days.

00:05:17.860 Can we say that?

00:05:18.760 Well, if you have money, there's no reason you better look good.

00:05:22.080 Like, it's expected.

00:05:23.520 But even the government is, like, buying people teeth and phones, phone cards.

00:05:30.100 It's like, I feel like everybody, everybody kind of almost looks the same now, really.

00:05:37.100 Yeah, I agree.

00:05:38.060 Everybody's about, like, an eight, and then you have some people that-

00:05:41.220 Oh, that's true.

00:05:41.980 Or, I don't know.

00:05:42.520 There's definitely some people that are tens, but everybody's kind of like an eight or seven.

00:05:45.620 But the tens were, like, born tens, and you can't, like, buy-

00:05:48.160 You can buy a nine.

00:05:49.820 Yeah.

00:05:50.100 You can't buy a ten.

00:05:50.960 Like, when that's just, like, you see a model, and they're just, like, an alien.

00:05:54.780 Only-

00:05:55.060 Like, they-

00:05:55.580 Yeah.

00:05:56.100 They're very rare, though.

00:05:57.360 They're probably more rare than psychopaths or something, you know what I mean, percentage-wise.

00:06:02.160 Yeah, only God makes tens, huh?

00:06:04.420 Yeah, that's a good-

00:06:05.160 Yeah.

00:06:05.800 A doctor can't.

00:06:07.580 They try.

00:06:08.220 They can get, like, 9.2.

00:06:11.400 Yeah, they can get, like-

00:06:12.680 You can get a good one, but even-

00:06:14.060 It's hard to find a doctor that can do that kind of work.

00:06:16.360 Yeah.

00:06:17.280 No, it's Dr. God.

00:06:19.120 Dr. God, baby. 0.52

00:06:20.360 God luck.

00:06:21.740 Yeah.

00:06:22.720 But, yeah, there's no, like, you can just-

00:06:25.300 That's the pressure, though, is, like, sometimes when I feel like, oh, you don't look as good as you could look.

00:06:30.360 Like, I always want to reach my potential, right?

00:06:32.320 Ooh, now that's a good point.

00:06:33.960 Now, my potential with enough money is 9.2.

00:06:37.460 Like, like I just said, enough-

00:06:38.860 Like, I can find a person to make me a 9.2, and I'm not a 9.2, but there is surgery.

00:06:43.840 There's a right person out there that can transform my face and my body into exactly-

00:06:47.360 Like, that's as high as I could get, and I'm not reaching it, and so I just go, I'm failing in some way.

00:06:52.400 And my friends who don't have money go, I'm just the way I am because I can't afford to do that,

00:06:56.520 but I could maybe afford to do that,

00:06:58.440 so I feel like I need to do that.

00:07:00.880 You're going to risk it?

00:07:02.200 Yeah, I mean, I do stuff already.

00:07:03.680 I get, like, injections and stuff here and there, and I'm not, like, I don't do it a lot,

00:07:07.000 but every couple of years I get insecure enough that I'm like, let's just see what we're going to do.

00:07:10.660 And I like the risk of it.

00:07:12.060 It's like getting a tattoo.

00:07:13.500 It's like, it can be bad, a haircut.

00:07:15.480 Like, I can get it dissolved or whatever.

00:07:17.820 I can turn it back around, but it is- 0.98

00:07:19.580 When women have face work or men, and it kind of gets fucked up, 1.00

00:07:22.060 I sometimes go, good for you. 1.00

00:07:23.260 You took a fucking chance. 1.00

00:07:24.400 That's a good point, huh? 1.00

00:07:25.080 Yeah, you're a risk taker.

00:07:26.660 You are-

00:07:27.460 The ultimate.

00:07:28.180 Yeah, you're somebody that reached in the draft.

00:07:30.400 You are Sean Payton of the Denver Broncos in reconstructive surgery realm.

00:07:37.920 Yeah.

00:07:38.240 Yeah, because you definitely see, well, sometimes I'll kiss a woman and her lip tastes like a part of, 1.00

00:07:43.760 like it's like a-

00:07:45.120 Yeah.

00:07:45.680 Yeah, it tastes like something you would throw to a dog to catch, kind of.

00:07:48.820 Like, it just feels like a chew toy.

00:07:50.320 A chew-y thing, yes.

00:07:51.260 So it doesn't feel like you're kissing them anymore, or it just feels like you just want to-

00:07:53.680 Oh, you can feel filler, for sure.

00:07:55.620 I don't have it in my lips, but I got it just like recently down here,

00:07:58.600 which for some reason makes this go up.

00:08:01.120 Like, it's all like, I don't even know how it works, but I don't like all the- 1.00

00:08:05.160 Like, I got something here, I've never gotten in before, but I can feel it.

00:08:07.700 Like, whenever I'm like, you know, going like this, like, hmm, I'm like, oh, God,

00:08:11.220 because I don't-

00:08:11.820 You feel weird pressing on it.

00:08:13.200 It's not a good feeling.

00:08:14.420 I get some on the- 0.74

00:08:14.640 I get some like on the back of my legs, bottom of my butt, maybe just to make me a little taller,

00:08:18.040 like when I'm in a seat or whatever.

00:08:19.900 It would.

00:08:21.260 That is a way to get taller.

00:08:23.300 Sitting only.

00:08:24.340 Yeah, you're sitting down a lot.

00:08:25.700 Nobody thinks about that, hey. 0.99

00:08:26.820 Holy shit, of course you would. 1.00

00:08:28.880 Sitting tall. 1.00

00:08:29.620 You're like, yeah, I'm not that tall when I'm standing up, but when I'm sitting,

00:08:31.800 I'm a little taller than you'd expect.

00:08:33.020 I mean, are you good on your posture?

00:08:34.460 Like, are you working on that? 1.00

00:08:35.740 Fuck no, dude. 0.99

00:08:36.620 Yeah, I was working on it, dude, until I quit working on it. 1.00

00:08:39.220 I mean, like, when you're conscious of it, when I am conscious-

00:08:41.540 Oh, yeah.

00:08:41.560 When I sit the way I'm supposed to with my shoulder blades down, my neck extended, and my back,

00:08:46.600 like, this is a good look.

00:08:48.000 I know this is going to look better than what I really want to do, which is this.

00:08:51.120 Yeah.

00:08:52.240 Armadillo.

00:08:52.800 But this feels like I'm going to meet some dude's going to try to meet me, I feel like,

00:08:55.840 all the time.

00:08:56.140 Yeah, you're-

00:08:56.560 As a guy.

00:08:59.080 You're waiting for a grinder date.

00:09:01.360 Or you're waiting, yeah, you're hoping they pick you to go on the Mayflower or something.

00:09:04.480 Like, it has a very-

00:09:07.240 Yeah, if you're posture-

00:09:09.100 Alert, ready.

00:09:10.020 Yes.

00:09:10.720 Pick me.

00:09:11.560 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:12.020 Yeah, pick me.

00:09:12.380 That's what it feels like, pick me.

00:09:13.300 Yeah.

00:09:14.120 But for a girl, in a way, she can sit in a way that is just like, I have confidence.

00:09:18.600 Like, there's a way to sit that's like, exudes sexuality, for sure.

00:09:22.520 Well, yeah.

00:09:23.320 Oh, definitely.

00:09:24.000 For a woman?

00:09:24.820 Yeah, to like, just-

00:09:25.760 Like, I don't even know how to contort my body in that way, but I know that when I am trying

00:09:29.320 to look sexy, my back hurts afterwards.

00:09:31.780 Yeah.

00:09:32.020 Because I've been holding this arch back.

00:09:34.600 It's not healthy, like, it's not good, but some girls just walk around naturally like 1.00

00:09:37.840 that.

00:09:38.140 Oh, yeah.

00:09:38.680 People from Toronto have the best posture.

00:09:40.640 I don't know if you've been there or not.

00:09:41.740 Have you been there?

00:09:42.440 Oh, yes.

00:09:43.700 And it kind of checks out in my memory, but I-

00:09:46.200 Oh, they're like-

00:09:47.100 Wait, why?

00:09:47.960 Maybe they're school desks?

00:09:49.580 Because that's what breaks us.

00:09:50.980 It could be like the, I don't know how gravity is up there or something, but it's definitely

00:09:55.560 there's a, they are very, you know, they look very on purpose.

00:10:01.520 Yeah.

00:10:01.980 They look very on purpose.

00:10:03.140 Okay. 0.99

00:10:04.780 Like, a lot of people like wander around like, oh, look at this fucking accident, you know? 0.98

00:10:08.880 Yes, Toronto. 0.98

00:10:09.960 Yeah, yeah, dude.

00:10:10.700 But it's not an intimidating on purpose.

00:10:12.580 Like, Toronto, they're like, is it, I always say it wrong, Toronto, not Toronto.

00:10:17.380 It's Toronto.

00:10:17.840 I think you can call it whatever you want to.

00:10:19.260 They're just happy you came to visit, I think.

00:10:20.660 They really are.

00:10:21.460 Yeah.

00:10:21.780 And they should be. 1.00

00:10:22.620 It's a bitch getting there. 1.00

00:10:24.340 Well, and it's like, a lot of people didn't even think Canada was real for a long time. 0.99

00:10:28.040 Like, we had to discover it like seven times before people were like, yes, okay, we'll

00:10:34.240 admit it, that you're real.

00:10:36.920 Is that the history of that?

00:10:38.240 I don't really know how.

00:10:39.420 Yeah.

00:10:39.860 I mean-

00:10:40.660 Oh, 100%, dude.

00:10:42.640 Canada, dude?

00:10:43.620 Yeah.

00:10:43.980 A lot of people are like, I don't know, man.

00:10:46.420 Yeah.

00:10:46.660 Yeah, we'll see about it.

00:10:48.020 That's what you see a lot of times.

00:10:48.860 Every time I go there, don't you feel like you're, they are, like Air Canada, you fly

00:10:53.000 there, they're mad at you when you're flying them?

00:10:56.420 I don't like that.

00:10:57.140 I just don't like flying Air Canada.

00:10:58.700 And then when I get there, the customs feel so aggressive that I'm just like-

00:11:02.860 They don't like us.

00:11:03.620 Are you happy I'm here?

00:11:05.120 No, they're not.

00:11:05.980 Yeah.

00:11:06.340 They don't.

00:11:06.800 That's the real truth.

00:11:07.500 I think you're right.

00:11:08.240 I think you're-

00:11:08.540 And then once you get in, though, the people love you.

00:11:10.460 People are always like, why don't you come?

00:11:11.480 And I'm like, it's your border control.

00:11:13.040 It makes me feel like a criminal and makes me feel like, why are you here?

00:11:15.800 Well, we kind of have become that.

00:11:18.740 I mean, America is a criminal state obsessed with capitalism that has sacrificed everything

00:11:24.160 that was good to make a couple bucks.

00:11:27.620 So I get why they're tapping us on the shoulder a little extra over there on the way in.

00:11:32.340 I get it.

00:11:33.020 They don't want that energy.

00:11:34.120 They don't need that. 0.97

00:11:34.380 They don't want that semen in their country. 1.00

00:11:36.280 They're not looking to be famous and cool. 0.96

00:11:39.060 Like, they don't have that sad desire.

00:11:42.020 And sad is, you know, just a word I use for that.

00:11:44.820 But it's like-

00:11:45.540 Yeah, we have some kind of desperation here, it feels like.

00:11:48.920 Yeah.

00:11:49.060 Does that make any sense or no?

00:11:50.300 Totally.

00:11:51.200 I'm fighting it all the time because I'm a part of it and I feed into it and it gets

00:11:56.940 me.

00:11:57.460 But I also am so disgusted by it.

00:11:59.700 I can't, like, go shopping because consumerism really stresses me out and thinking about all

00:12:04.120 of these.

00:12:04.720 When I go shopping, I just, like, look at all the racks of clothes and I'm like, this is

00:12:07.700 all going to be in a landfill.

00:12:09.020 This is all going to be in the ocean.

00:12:10.240 Like, it grosses me out.

00:12:12.300 But I'm also buying that stuff.

00:12:14.260 They're just shipping it to me so I don't have to see it in mass amounts and think about

00:12:17.220 that.

00:12:17.540 But, so I'm on both sides of it. 1.00

00:12:20.060 But yeah, we've, it's a bitch. 1.00

00:12:22.240 It's interesting. 1.00

00:12:24.540 Well, the question everybody wants to know is, how's that vagina doing, huh? 1.00

00:12:30.740 It's pretty good. 0.99

00:12:31.820 That's what's up.

00:12:32.620 Yeah, that's what's up.

00:12:33.560 It's like, right now, it's like a good day.

00:12:36.840 Like, do you have, like, good and bad days down there?

00:12:39.580 Good wiener days?

00:12:40.420 Like, where you're just like, I wouldn't mind if someone saw it. 0.98

00:12:42.840 Like, it's looking, I think vaginas have more going on that can be either just, there's 1.00

00:12:48.800 more pieces to have in place that some days you're just like, this is great.

00:12:52.980 And it's probably the days that you should, that you're, like, ovulating or whatever.

00:12:56.400 Oh, it's that party nostril, homie. 1.00

00:12:58.240 That's what it is, dog.

00:12:59.540 You know what I'm saying?

00:13:00.420 The deep, the deepest dimple, baby.

00:13:02.360 Let's get it.

00:13:02.940 You know what I'm saying?

00:13:03.620 It's definitely, it's like the 30th wonder of the world, I guess.

00:13:07.300 It used to be like the number one wonder of the world.

00:13:09.660 It was like there, it was like Guantanamo Bay, like Gary Busey, and then like the Leaning

00:13:17.200 Tower of Pizza or whatever.

00:13:18.700 And then like, but it's definitely lost.

00:13:22.040 I think it kind of went down with crypto. 0.99

00:13:24.040 I feel like the vagina did some. 1.00

00:13:25.400 It does feel like people aren't as interested in hearing about it and talking about it and 0.99

00:13:29.320 like getting p***y. 0.99

00:13:30.180 It moved to ass. 0.99

00:13:31.840 Is that what people are interested in? 0.99

00:13:33.240 Or is it just like. 1.00

00:13:33.840 Or that ass p***y. 1.00

00:13:34.980 That's what a lot of gay dudes would be like, let me get that ass p***y. 1.00

00:13:37.360 I like that. 1.00

00:13:38.340 Why not?

00:13:39.200 I don't like it.

00:13:40.020 I don't like hearing it.

00:13:40.900 At the mall or whatever.

00:13:42.400 When I'm like, at an Aeropostale or that popcorn shop that they have always.

00:13:48.840 That's when the mall's going out of business.

00:13:50.200 If you have more than one popcorn shop and you're not in Minnesota, you're mall. 1.00

00:13:55.400 That's what a lot of gay dudes are hunting for that ass p***y. 1.00

00:14:03.920 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:14:04.640 Well, that's all they've got. 0.92

00:14:06.500 Yeah, but there's a lot of like, because gay dudes would be like, God made me gay, right? 0.96

00:14:13.660 Or whatever.

00:14:14.140 I'm not gay by choice. 0.93

00:14:15.180 But the second they buy you one drink, they're trying to get you to choose to be gay. 0.71

00:14:19.060 That's interesting. 0.99

00:14:20.120 Bro, this is crazy.

00:14:21.840 Yeah.

00:14:22.720 Well, because they see how you can make that.

00:14:26.860 They probably are buying into this fluidity thing of like, they probably, as in high school,

00:14:31.500 hooked up with girls and were like, I know how to hook up with someone I'm not attracted

00:14:34.540 to and convince myself to be into it.

00:14:36.500 You do that now with me.

00:14:38.980 You know, because they have to do that.

00:14:41.020 Like, you know, not maybe kids now, but in some states, yes.

00:14:44.260 But like, when I was growing up, there weren't kids in my graduating class that were gay.

00:14:49.520 No one was gay.

00:14:50.380 That were like, yeah.

00:14:51.600 Everybody called everybody gay, but nobody was definitely gay.

00:14:54.460 But we knew who was, but they had to hook up with, I mean, into their 20s and 30s, sometimes

00:14:58.880 they're hooking up with girls. 0.94

00:14:59.820 Can you imagine having to hook up with someone you're just so not into?

00:15:03.700 I mean, yes, I can.

00:15:04.660 I've done it before.

00:15:05.300 But it's alcohol would probably make it so I could do it.

00:15:07.700 Yeah, or marriage.

00:15:09.220 I think a lot of people get married or whatever. 0.99

00:15:13.220 And then they're like, damn, this dude's gay or whatever. 1.00

00:15:17.020 And then they're stuck with a gay husband. 1.00

00:15:19.180 But I think a lot of women, because of things like watch what happens live, they love having 1.00

00:15:26.960 a gay husband.

00:15:28.160 It's almost cooler than having a straight husband and whatever he's doing. 1.00

00:15:31.760 They'd rather have this crazy gay husband. 1.00

00:15:34.200 And then they just write crazy boy on their butt or whatever before sex or whatever. 1.00

00:15:38.800 I don't know. 0.99

00:15:39.140 No, I don't think that they ever.

00:15:40.060 I think they just, I do think they know he's gay and they just have a tacit agreement

00:15:44.820 that we're going to do kind of, going to indulge in some of these things, but never call it 0.92

00:15:48.300 out that you're gay. 0.98

00:15:49.560 Like, I feel like you're right about like having a, being married to a gay man would 0.99

00:15:54.380 be fun because there's a feminine energy to him that would be like almost like having

00:15:57.680 a girlfriend. 0.99

00:15:58.080 Oh, it's the largest Pomeranian you can have if you're a woman, is a gay husband. 1.00

00:16:04.040 Yeah. 0.99

00:16:04.960 Yes.

00:16:06.440 But at least your Pomeranian could go down on you and enjoy it. 0.95

00:16:10.660 That's true.

00:16:11.140 That's true.

00:16:11.920 You know, and have a good time.

00:16:13.040 Yeah. 0.98

00:16:13.500 That is the irony of putting peanut butter on your genitals or whatever, like, and having 0.91

00:16:17.040 a dog look it off. 0.99

00:16:17.680 It's disgusting and absolutely illegal and should be.

00:16:20.320 But the dog would like it.

00:16:22.340 No, like it, there's, they already like crotches and then plus peanut butter. 0.99

00:16:26.740 It would, I mean, it's, it, there's no denying that that party would enjoy it and wouldn't

00:16:32.140 be like, I don't want to do this.

00:16:33.480 I mean, unless they're being forced, but if it's on their own licking.

00:16:36.380 Yeah, it's true.

00:16:37.020 We're really not helping each other get what we want.

00:16:40.240 With these bestiality laws we have.

00:16:43.320 It's just like, as soon as animals can vote, dude, we're going to learn a lot.

00:16:48.720 Or as soon as they can do the alphabet or whatever, they just had a dog or whatever

00:16:53.680 that can, uh, with their tongue. 0.90

00:16:55.860 Uh, no, he can open up a pack of cigarettes.

00:16:57.900 So can you look that up?

00:16:59.380 I want to say it was an Australian shepherd.

00:17:01.920 That sounds right.

00:17:02.920 You need to take him to a vet ASAP. 0.75

00:17:05.040 Well, if he's opening up a pack of cigarettes, this is, this is how insane America is.

00:17:12.500 It says, if your dog ate a cigarette, you need to take him to the vet ASAP.

00:17:15.900 However, Americans can smoke them.

00:17:19.720 As much as we want.

00:17:23.220 Actually, it says, if your dog opened up a pack of cigarettes, you need to take him to

00:17:27.460 the vet ASAP.

00:17:28.540 Tobacco and the filters from cigarettes can be toxic.

00:17:30.780 However, it doesn't say this part, but it low-key does. 1.00

00:17:34.840 If you are human, feel free to smoke your fucking life away. 0.99

00:17:38.960 I mean. 1.00

00:17:39.620 And get cancer.

00:17:40.460 No one.

00:17:41.760 It's, it's crazy that people still smoke.

00:17:43.720 I mean, I vape sometimes.

00:17:45.080 Sometime.

00:17:45.660 Like.

00:17:45.960 Yeah, I vape sometimes.

00:17:46.720 And it's like, we know it's bad. 1.00

00:17:48.980 But what the fuck? 0.99

00:17:50.260 Like. 0.99

00:17:50.860 We know it's bad, but it's.

00:17:52.180 YOLO?

00:17:53.320 Yeah, I guess.

00:17:54.340 It's like, I don't know.

00:17:55.560 If it's not ruining my life yet.

00:17:57.640 I can't.

00:17:58.220 Yeah.

00:17:58.500 Let me do it.

00:18:00.460 Yeah.

00:18:00.880 There's always going to be something, I think.

00:18:02.660 And we're imperfect creatures.

00:18:04.000 It's so hard to not have anything.

00:18:05.600 Yeah, it is.

00:18:06.540 Um.

00:18:07.740 But yeah. 0.99

00:18:08.300 How's that vagina doing, girl? 1.00

00:18:10.860 I think it's pretty good. 0.99

00:18:12.160 I really haven't checked in on, I haven't like done anything with it in so long.

00:18:15.560 I've just been wiping it after I pee.

00:18:17.000 That's like my, and washing it in the shower.

00:18:18.800 I haven't, um. 0.79

00:18:19.800 I haven't like had sex or had an orgasm in a really long time.

00:18:22.480 Really? 0.85

00:18:22.980 Yeah.

00:18:24.140 No.

00:18:24.680 Yeah.

00:18:24.860 That's why I was like, when you asked that, I was really like, how is it?

00:18:27.640 Because I haven't done anything with it.

00:18:30.380 I've just been too busy.

00:18:32.060 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:18:33.060 If you got busy cooter going on, it is.

00:18:36.760 So it's good.

00:18:37.620 I think it's really good right now because it's been not like neglected in that way.

00:18:42.060 Like you feel like you get things back and you're like.

00:18:44.520 Oh, you built up some chi.

00:18:45.620 Yeah.

00:18:46.500 Really?

00:18:47.380 Probably.

00:18:47.800 And I do Pilates.

00:18:48.680 I'm doing a lot of like pelvic floor work.

00:18:50.460 So it's probably pretty good.

00:18:51.820 I love that.

00:18:52.560 Thank you.

00:18:53.440 I love that for everybody.

00:18:55.080 And, um, and also, yeah, I noticed. 1.00

00:18:57.620 My back pussy? 1.00

00:18:58.420 My butt pussy though? 1.00

00:18:59.500 No, I don't know about that. 1.00

00:19:00.540 Shit, dude. 1.00

00:19:00.800 I don't want to talk about that. 1.00

00:19:02.140 We can't talk about that here.

00:19:03.860 This is a Christian show.

00:19:06.260 Um, what about like, because I do notice, let's say I'm a man, right? 0.98

00:19:10.580 And so if I masturbate like the next day, I do feel a little bit like weaker or a little 0.86

00:19:16.020 bit less organized. 0.96

00:19:18.000 Huh.

00:19:18.540 You know?

00:19:19.000 Yeah.

00:19:19.180 I feel sometimes I'll be a little like, I'm not a hundred percent.

00:19:24.980 Yeah.

00:19:25.580 Um, I've heard that.

00:19:27.040 I haven't, I don't do it enough to like track it. 0.92

00:19:29.540 I do know that I can get like compulsive about masturbating.

00:19:32.000 If I'm like, if I'm in a compulsive mood and I'm like, I'll smoke weed. 0.80

00:19:35.400 Okay.

00:19:35.660 I got high and that was good for five minutes.

00:19:37.180 I'll pick up the guitar.

00:19:37.980 Oh, I played one song.

00:19:38.780 Okay.

00:19:38.900 Now I got, I'll eat a bunch of food and then I'll do that.

00:19:41.540 And I'm like, I need more dopamine.

00:19:43.420 Okay. 1.00

00:19:43.560 I'll masturbate. 0.99

00:19:44.240 Uh, after that I'm like, um, okay, I'll go smoke weed again. 0.99

00:19:47.140 And then I get back to masturbation. 0.97

00:19:48.800 Not time yet. 0.99

00:19:49.580 Not ready to go.

00:19:50.220 I'll eat more.

00:19:50.740 Like I just, that's when I can be a new diet.

00:19:53.540 I feel like for like a Nashville diet, that's what I feel like that sounds like, dude.

00:20:01.120 It's horrible.

00:20:02.300 I hate when I get into those spirals of just like just chasing it until you fall asleep.

00:20:07.700 Oh yeah.

00:20:08.380 Yeah.

00:20:08.540 You're just like waiting for sleep to come, but yeah, that's when I can be too much about

00:20:12.260 it.

00:20:12.360 And that's, and that's when I can track like, oh yeah, my mood, it's just, I'm trying to

00:20:16.340 get dopamine up, but I don't really feel like a dullness afterwards, or I don't feel

00:20:20.680 like I'm harnessing anything by not coming or something.

00:20:22.840 I haven't, I, I'm sure there's some truth to that, but I haven't felt it.

00:20:25.900 Do you, does a woman feel less in, less complete the day after an orgasm or like something

00:20:32.460 like that?

00:20:33.280 Like possibly, but I wouldn't know.

00:20:34.900 I'm not, I, I'm not like someone who's like.

00:20:37.320 I, I haven't tracked it.

00:20:38.460 I haven't like.

00:20:39.140 What?

00:20:39.580 Really?

00:20:39.820 You just haven't noticed in your life?

00:20:41.180 I can be really constipated and not know it.

00:20:43.340 I can be like, why do I feel sick and none of my clothes fit?

00:20:45.500 And then I'll like, and then I'll go to the bathroom.

00:20:47.580 I'll be like, oh my God, I haven't pooped for like a week.

00:20:49.940 I just don't notice my, I'm not in tune with my body.

00:20:52.540 Wow.

00:20:52.920 So I don't like my, when my friends are like, I feel sick.

00:20:55.320 I think it's that thing I ate.

00:20:56.440 I would never be able to trace things.

00:20:58.000 I'm not paying attention to what makes me feel good.

00:21:00.400 I'm trying to do that more now and do like somatic therapy and like, you seem really angry.

00:21:04.580 Where's that coming from?

00:21:05.420 And I, I literally never have any answer from my therapist about like, I don't feel things

00:21:09.600 on my body.

00:21:10.280 Really?

00:21:10.840 I'm like numb.

00:21:11.800 And I, it would seem to be that I was molested or something, but I can't remember anything

00:21:15.560 like that happening either.

00:21:16.640 So it's like kind of a disassociation.

00:21:18.400 Yeah, exactly.

00:21:19.080 If it happened, I'm glad I didn't remember it, but something keeps me from being in tune.

00:21:24.220 Yeah.

00:21:24.640 Molested or forgetful.

00:21:25.920 That could be a new, that could be like, hey, uh, that's insane.

00:21:29.220 And that's unfortunate to say, dude.

00:21:30.600 No, but there, you know, it's, it's not nobody.

00:21:33.740 Don't justify that.

00:21:34.780 I shouldn't have said that.

00:21:35.220 Justify what?

00:21:35.600 Of course you could say that because people are molested or, uh, but if you were molested

00:21:40.080 and you forgot your molestation, you still have trauma from it because things happen

00:21:43.180 to us as a baby that we don't understand that we carry on to.

00:21:45.260 But what, what a gift it would be to not remember it and just have it be, then you just keep

00:21:50.940 blaming your parents forever, not knowing that it was some kind of babysitter you had

00:21:53.920 or something that really did it.

00:21:55.740 And they used to, um, I was going to talk about lobotomies, but yeah, can you believe

00:22:01.200 that they did lobotomies?

00:22:02.380 Yeah, I can.

00:22:03.400 It's really unbelievable.

00:22:04.680 Bring up some of the lobotomy, um, information, please.

00:22:08.560 A lobotomy is a type of brain surgery that involves severing the connection between the

00:22:12.160 frontal lobe and the other parts of the brain.

00:22:14.360 Yeah.

00:22:15.240 And lobotomies became popular in the 1930s as a treatment for certain mental health conditions.

00:22:20.100 There are times when I'm feel so mentally unwell that I would be like, if it went on long,

00:22:25.900 if it went on a really long time, me feeling that bad, I'd be like, please, please take

00:22:31.020 it out.

00:22:31.440 Yeah.

00:22:31.580 Please cut the, the, the, the cord connection that is making this happen.

00:22:35.520 Like you would want just an out. 0.98

00:22:36.980 Like I still want, it would be like a suicide without having to die.

00:22:40.200 Yeah.

00:22:40.640 Oh, wow.

00:22:41.400 But then you're still just milling around like, God, people are like, but I wouldn't know.

00:22:44.360 Huh?

00:22:44.980 I wouldn't know.

00:22:45.560 And it's not bothering people though.

00:22:47.100 Oh, I would hate it.

00:22:47.920 You're just taking up traffic.

00:22:48.980 You're just walking up.

00:22:49.960 People ask.

00:22:50.460 You're just like a eternal trick or treat or you're just bothering people.

00:22:53.540 Yeah.

00:22:53.660 I guess I would never do a voluntary one, but if someone was like, she must be, I'd be

00:22:56.520 like, Oh, okay.

00:22:57.940 You know, like kind of like, it's not my fault that I'm going to be that.

00:23:01.200 Yeah.

00:23:01.700 They did this to me.

00:23:02.780 But yeah, there's times where it's like, I can see why they would want to clip that cord.

00:23:06.260 Yeah.

00:23:06.580 In addition to people who meet current definitions for mental illness, practitioners also perform

00:23:10.540 lobotomies on people with intellectual disabilities who were gay.

00:23:14.380 Wow. 0.75

00:23:14.920 Who were in prison for crimes, which some blamed on criminal insanity.

00:23:19.660 Oh, a 2018 study also states that most lobotomized people were women. 0.99

00:23:24.060 Yeah.

00:23:24.220 So it was just like bad PMS and they're like clipper.

00:23:28.300 Yeah.

00:23:28.860 Like, Hey, look, what, and what about who's the group that came over to decide?

00:23:34.180 That must've been a crazy dinner, huh?

00:23:35.920 Oh, because the woman had to cook it and also, and also sit there and defend herself. 1.00

00:23:43.340 Oh my God.

00:23:44.000 I hope they let her clean up before they took her away. 1.00

00:23:46.280 Cause who's going to do that?

00:23:49.000 Oh my God.

00:23:50.080 Often the reasons doctors gave for this was they needed to maintain order in the hospital.

00:23:53.760 You're right.

00:23:54.220 Other reasons included a lack of interest in childcare and strange behavior.

00:23:57.560 What does that mean?

00:23:58.100 What do you mean?

00:23:58.400 A lack of interest in other reasons, a lack of interest.

00:24:00.800 Oh, um, I guess they did it to women who probably had postpartum and we're just like, 0.96

00:24:05.220 I don't really want this baby, which most women were just getting raped by their husbands 1.00

00:24:09.420 back then and making to have a baby every fucking chance that they could. 0.99

00:24:14.100 Why would you want that kid? 1.00

00:24:15.500 Well, we wouldn't have mad men.

00:24:16.840 First of all, if some of that didn't happen, Jon Hamm wouldn't have a career if that

00:24:21.040 didn't happen.

00:24:21.840 So the fact that he doesn't, I wouldn't be here if that didn't happen.

00:24:24.200 But the fact that he doesn't donate a million dollars a year, okay, to secretaries of America 0.97

00:24:32.020 with children is un-fucking-real. 0.96

00:24:38.860 What lobotomies do to people, proponents of lobotomies thought that the procedure could 0.98

00:24:43.680 address the root cause of mental health symptoms by cutting off the part of the brain they

00:24:47.140 believe was responsible for them.

00:24:48.360 Wow.

00:24:48.820 So it really was just so prehistorical.

00:24:50.840 Let's just go in there and cut the cable, you know?

00:24:53.220 And you don't get, so you have apathy, you have distractibility, so you get a little ADD.

00:24:58.540 Right, they reduce the functionality of the frontal lobe resulting in, okay, go on.

00:25:02.000 Yeah, so lack of initiative, so lack of restraint.

00:25:06.100 Okay, so lack of restraint is not a good thing.

00:25:07.720 That's probably a thing that they go, well, we don't like that.

00:25:10.200 Like, we want to control them.

00:25:11.600 Euphoria, you, so they reduce the functionality, oh, okay, so they reduce the functionality

00:25:16.540 of the euphoria, so they get euphoria?

00:25:19.840 And it resulted in, yeah, euphoria, feeling of intense happiness.

00:25:22.380 That sounds good.

00:25:23.020 Significant changes in personality.

00:25:24.600 Okay.

00:25:25.160 Because I think a lot of those things are things that come from the back of your head.

00:25:30.160 It's like from your, like, limbic system.

00:25:31.940 Based on those symptoms, I'm pretty sure I've had a lobotomies.

00:25:36.060 It's like, check, check, check, check.

00:25:39.900 God, dude, that's interesting.

00:25:42.300 Yeah, I'd be, I'd do it back in the day.

00:25:44.880 I would have been up for it.

00:25:45.600 If you could come back again, if you get to run it back, right?

00:25:48.340 Yeah.

00:25:48.800 Whitney Glazer, sorry, Nikki Glazer. 0.99

00:25:51.340 You fucking did that on purpose. 0.99

00:25:52.900 I did not do that on purpose. 1.00

00:25:53.420 Yes, you did.

00:25:54.420 I would never do that on purpose.

00:25:55.360 Really?

00:25:55.920 That's funny. 0.96

00:25:56.800 My brain is so bad. 0.88

00:25:57.820 Really?

00:25:58.340 I love it.

00:25:58.980 I love being, you know.

00:26:01.920 Misgendered or whatever?

00:26:02.840 Whitney?

00:26:03.620 Yeah.

00:26:03.800 Or being thought, well, she's the same gender as me. 1.00

00:26:05.860 I was thinking, you're talking, you're thinking Whitney Cummings.

00:26:08.060 Oh, dang, I wonder if my brain was thinking of that.

00:26:12.000 Or who, what kind of, when you think Whitney, who do you think?

00:26:14.220 Definitely not Houston you're waiting for.

00:26:16.360 I think a huge tit says it up there.

00:26:18.340 To be honest with you, no offense, very funny. 0.99

00:26:20.340 Whitney has some fucking dangers on her. 1.00

00:26:22.660 I've seen them. 0.99

00:26:23.280 Have you seen them?

00:26:23.900 Some pool toys, dude.

00:26:25.340 I feel like we, yeah.

00:26:25.900 And they're nice.

00:26:26.600 Dude, the lifeguard can take the day off.

00:26:29.120 You feel me?

00:26:31.000 She's got those unsinkable battleships, bro. 0.96

00:26:33.260 Whitney's on duty, yes.

00:26:34.800 Yeah, she's got those U-boats, dude. 1.00

00:26:36.860 If I were that baby, I would never grow past two months.

00:26:42.380 Those are insane.

00:26:43.900 You're right.

00:26:44.820 And they're probably even, they get so good when women are pregnant. 1.00

00:26:47.740 Do they?

00:26:48.460 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:26:49.180 My friends who have, like, tiny tits are just, like, giant, firm, full. 1.00

00:26:54.240 Nice, like, color of nipples. 0.99

00:26:55.820 Like, they get a little darker. 0.99

00:26:56.940 Like, it's just, their tits look amazing. 1.00

00:26:59.080 God, that's what I... 0.99

00:26:59.680 That's one thing that they, yeah, wish to keep.

00:27:01.520 That's what I need, that frickin', that birth and tit. 0.86

00:27:04.340 Yeah.

00:27:06.620 God, it's just something everybody wants.

00:27:09.100 Yes.

00:27:10.040 Just to see those things, and before the baby gets to them.

00:27:14.960 I don't know if it's what everybody wants, but, yeah, I enjoy a pair of...

00:27:17.920 Like, Whitney's, you just can't deny they're amazing.

00:27:19.920 And when I saw them, I was like, I want to, like, I want to feel what that's like.

00:27:25.700 Yeah.

00:27:26.480 I don't know if I felt them, though.

00:27:28.180 I want to know what love is.

00:27:30.020 You remember that song?

00:27:30.640 Oh, yeah.

00:27:31.180 I want you to know me.

00:27:33.780 Yeah.

00:27:34.080 Something.

00:27:34.360 I think you had it right.

00:27:35.100 Yeah.

00:27:36.380 Yeah, if you got to be reincarnated, based on a lot of what you've done.

00:27:39.600 So, you've been a women's lib activist, right? 0.99

00:27:42.180 Shut up. 1.00

00:27:43.180 Well, you have. 1.00

00:27:44.120 Whatever.

00:27:44.860 A women's lib activist? 0.90

00:27:46.620 I'm just a woman.

00:27:48.100 Or whatever it's called.

00:27:49.200 You mean being a woman and just wanting, like, speaking freely as one?

00:27:53.380 I don't know that I'm...

00:27:54.560 What comes to mind when you think of me like that?

00:27:57.520 No, I think you haven't been, like, a, you know, like... 0.99

00:28:02.820 Pink pussy hat. 0.99

00:28:04.820 Like, yeah, like, you know, char my vulva or whatever some of those women are doing for 1.00

00:28:11.060 Africa or whatever. 0.96

00:28:11.960 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:28:12.400 But I think, yeah, you're like a proud female.

00:28:17.220 Yeah.

00:28:17.640 Yeah.

00:28:18.220 Yeah, definitely.

00:28:19.040 So, you know, someone who speaks up for women.

00:28:22.880 Yeah.

00:28:23.460 I mean, yeah.

00:28:24.380 I think so.

00:28:25.200 So, maybe, yeah, it might have been the best term.

00:28:26.680 I didn't mean it like you...

00:28:27.840 I didn't mean it like a negative thing.

00:28:29.580 No, I'm not like a man-hate...

00:28:30.960 I hope people don't personify me as, like, a man-hating feminist.

00:28:33.480 No, I don't think that at all.

00:28:34.300 That feminist. 1.00

00:28:35.140 I actually, like, like men a lot and I empathize.

00:28:38.540 Even the things that I'm like, why do men not have to do this and we have to do this

00:28:42.040 and I'm, like, mad about the disparity?

00:28:43.540 It's like, I'm not mad at men about it.

00:28:45.400 It's just the gender roles. 1.00

00:28:46.760 It's not, like, your fault that, like, men's fault that this is the way it is 0.52

00:28:51.620 or there are many ways in which women are shittier or have it better than men do 0.53

00:28:57.080 and it's, like, not our... 0.97

00:28:58.340 We don't need to be villainized for it.

00:28:59.960 It's just kind of the roles we fall into.

00:29:01.880 I think there's a ton of truth to that.

00:29:04.020 What was I just reading the other day?

00:29:05.180 It was about something that women, they don't want to do it. 1.00

00:29:09.740 Oh, this was about Bumble.

00:29:10.920 Did you see it?

00:29:11.920 Oh, yeah.

00:29:12.280 Yeah, they just changed the setting so men can now reach out to women because it used

00:29:15.300 to be just women only reaching out to men. 0.64

00:29:16.820 Women had to ask first and I believe women are like, you know what? 1.00

00:29:20.740 We don't want to do that.

00:29:22.600 It doesn't...

00:29:23.080 It's not sexy.

00:29:24.000 I would say most men are not really...

00:29:25.960 Ooh, that's a good point.

00:29:26.380 Bumble really does us a favor by having this feature because women need to learn that if 1.00

00:29:30.900 you want to attract a man who's a masculine energy man, you got to let him be the one 0.80

00:29:35.480 to lead and men don't really like women taking the lead.

00:29:38.920 Feminine energy men do and it doesn't mean gay men but, like, there's less.

00:29:43.120 There's, like, 20% of men are feminine... 0.71

00:29:44.840 Straight men are feminine energy and that's just... 1.00

00:29:47.140 And then there's 20% of women that are masculine energy women, which sometimes I am. 1.00

00:29:50.920 Like, on stage, I'm a masculine energy woman.

00:29:52.700 Like, anyone who's horny for what I do on stage is a feminine energy guy, probably. 1.00

00:29:58.960 That, like, wants a partner, like, the person I am on stage.

00:30:02.480 And so a lot of times the guys that are throwing themselves at me after shows are not my vibe

00:30:06.800 because offstage I'm, like, a feminine energy woman and I'm like, I want someone like that.

00:30:11.440 Like, I want to be the girl.

00:30:13.720 But then people don't think of me that way because on stage you kind of naturally have

00:30:17.400 to be masculine.

00:30:18.100 It's like you're talking to a microphone and, like, having opinions.

00:30:20.160 Like, that's kind of a turnoff to men.

00:30:22.700 That's interesting.

00:30:23.540 I don't think of you as that way.

00:30:25.740 I think probably, like, Eliza maybe I think more of is that way because she's definitely... 1.00

00:30:28.680 Yeah, there's a spectrum, but...

00:30:31.020 You know, her pacing and energy, you know, probably add to that. 1.00

00:30:35.560 I wonder who else is that I think I don't feel that way.

00:30:37.640 Like, but just the nature of a woman going, like, this is what I think and everyone needs 1.00

00:30:42.840 to listen. 0.99

00:30:43.220 Even if I'm, like, this is what I think and everyone needs to listen and I have my tits 0.99

00:30:46.980 out. 0.98

00:30:47.120 It's still, like, you're talking to a microphone to a bunch of people who have to be quiet.

00:30:51.760 Especially men have to be quiet.

00:30:53.100 It's, like, it's a masculine energy thing.

00:30:54.720 Yeah.

00:30:55.240 It's okay that men are, like, I don't really like female comics.

00:30:58.320 Like, I get it.

00:30:59.160 It, like, it's, like, it makes sense to me when guys are kind of, like, that's not my

00:31:03.720 thing.

00:31:04.020 It's like a woman, like, yelling at you. 0.53

00:31:05.600 If you grew up with a really aggressive mom. 1.00

00:31:06.340 Like, I said it before.

00:31:06.920 Mother.

00:31:07.400 Yeah.

00:31:07.720 Yeah.

00:31:07.900 Yeah.

00:31:07.960 It's, like...

00:31:08.460 I get it.

00:31:08.900 It was hard for me for years, I think, sometimes to listen because it was just, like, I didn't

00:31:12.340 even know that it reminded me of my mother.

00:31:14.260 Yes.

00:31:14.500 But, like, it was always something, but...

00:31:17.520 Yeah.

00:31:17.840 It totally makes sense.

00:31:18.800 I think some of that went away after a while.

00:31:20.120 But, yeah, Bumble said now, yeah, Bumble said that they're not...

00:31:26.300 For women who date men, making the first move on a dating app can be empowering, but

00:31:30.180 having to do it can be a burden.

00:31:31.780 Now, they don't have to, at least on Bumble, the dating app that built its brand on letting

00:31:35.160 women message first. 0.98

00:31:36.680 Women can now add prompts to their profiles for men to respond to.

00:31:40.100 Yes.

00:31:40.120 Good.

00:31:40.660 I like this.

00:31:41.280 So, like, little flirting cues, huh?

00:31:42.320 Love it.

00:31:42.840 Just any chance for a guy to, like, reach out and let you know he's into you without really

00:31:47.500 giving away too much.

00:31:48.720 Oh, yeah.

00:31:49.080 It's so embarrassing, like, even for me, if I like someone and, like, want to let them

00:31:53.140 know, like, I won't let them know until I'm 100% sure they're into me.

00:31:57.700 Like, 100% sure.

00:31:59.760 I don't want that rejection.

00:32:01.920 And I'm sure men feel that way all the time.

00:32:03.780 Well, yeah, and there's no sure bets, you know?

00:32:06.040 It's like everything...

00:32:07.020 I think this is one thing that's a lot in our society these days.

00:32:10.040 Everybody wants a sure bet, right?

00:32:12.040 Yes.

00:32:12.260 They want a lot of messages to make sure that everything is okay, that there's, like, you're

00:32:17.520 there.

00:32:17.680 Everything has to be a home run.

00:32:20.060 Yeah.

00:32:20.560 Nobody wants to...

00:32:21.740 Nobody wants to kind of make that move and be at risk.

00:32:24.100 I mean, they're even setting it up like that here now, like...

00:32:27.000 But now it's, like, a little thing.

00:32:28.160 Like, it's, like, this is the equivalent of, like, the long...

00:32:30.440 Like, a long look across a room at a bar.

00:32:32.780 Like, I've learned...

00:32:34.340 I feel, like, sometimes autistic when I have to learn how to, like, flirt.

00:32:37.140 Like, the idea of, like, if you like a guy, you're supposed to, like, hold eye contact

00:32:39.740 for, like, four seconds, which is a really long time.

00:32:42.740 But it's just a way to let a guy know tacitly, without being aggressive, that, like, I'm into

00:32:46.620 you.

00:32:47.000 Then he can...

00:32:47.780 Then he gets...

00:32:48.700 Like, there's no way that girl's not into me.

00:32:50.200 She just looked at me that long.

00:32:51.300 But it wasn't, like, a masculine energy look.

00:32:53.020 It was, like, I'm...

00:32:53.940 Like, it was, like, come here, boy.

00:32:55.740 It wasn't even, like, this.

00:32:56.660 It was just, like...

00:32:57.500 And then that gives a guy enough confidence, like, okay, she's probably into me.

00:33:00.800 Now I can approach.

00:33:01.840 But this is that.

00:33:02.540 It gives them a chance to, like, not risk anything.

00:33:04.880 I always feel, like, if a girl looks at me like that, it's, like, she wants to probably...

00:33:08.440 Oh, this chick wants to borrow some cash, I feel like. 1.00

00:33:10.800 Well, that, too.

00:33:12.560 You know, I've got to get out of this bar.

00:33:14.680 Well, yeah.

00:33:15.220 No wonder I'm not meeting.

00:33:15.640 Well, you're a celebrity now, so that's different.

00:33:17.580 Like, women are going to look at you longingly all of the time. 0.64

00:33:21.400 Oh, that's not true.

00:33:22.380 It's true.

00:33:23.320 When I started podcasting, having an online store was the furthest thing from my mind.

00:33:28.720 And we started just selling a shirt, and then people wanted another shirt.

00:33:33.780 And we said, well, dang, we'll give you another shirt.

00:33:37.000 And before you know it, I'm selling hoodies and shirts and long-sleevery and all types of haberdashery to folks.

00:33:45.060 And it's easy.

00:33:46.340 It's been so easy, actually, because I use Shopify.

00:33:50.840 Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business.

00:33:56.300 That's the best thing about it.

00:33:57.560 It can evolve as you grow or ungrow.

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00:34:31.560 Right now, you can sign up for a dollar per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Theo, all lowercase, T-H-E-O.

00:34:41.460 Just go to Shopify, S-H-O-P-I-F-Y.com slash T-H-E-O, lowercase, now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in.

00:34:54.720 Shopify.com slash Theo.

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00:36:22.360 Girls like you, Theo.

00:36:23.900 No, these, yeah.

00:36:24.960 You know it.

00:36:25.840 Come on.

00:36:26.340 No, I know some girls like me. 0.95

00:36:27.960 Yes, yes, yes, yes.

00:36:28.600 But it's like I'm not, I'm not, it has not made dating people any easier.

00:36:34.160 No, that doesn't change things.

00:36:36.240 Say you want to meet somebody, right?

00:36:37.960 And so then you meet up, you go on a date or something.

00:36:40.440 You're always afraid that they're going to videotape you or try and like take advantage of you.

00:36:46.160 Like I'll be eating breakfast and I'll see videos later online where people have like videoed me.

00:36:50.200 I know.

00:36:50.460 I see you all the time where people film you driving.

00:36:51.840 And it makes me just like feel very nervous, you know?

00:36:54.660 It should.

00:36:55.060 And it makes you not trust people and it makes you question.

00:36:58.560 Yeah, I can only imagine.

00:37:00.140 I'm glad that I haven't reached that level yet where I feel like.

00:37:02.980 Oh, what are you talking about, dude?

00:37:04.440 No. 1.00

00:37:04.680 Every time there's always somebody, every time I scroll through TikTok, you're yelling about your pussy or something. 1.00

00:37:09.820 That's probably true. 1.00

00:37:11.120 But the algorithm has found you.

00:37:13.000 I'm not like right now I'm going through having like a moment where I'm being more recognizable.

00:37:17.080 But prior to this week, I don't think it was at a level of what you deal with where people are filming you and stuff.

00:37:22.400 That's got to feel weird.

00:37:24.480 Yeah.

00:37:24.720 Well, I think there's the thing I didn't realize is I'll sometimes entertain. 1.00

00:37:28.720 It's like then I feel like I have to entertain because you don't want to be like, hey, motherfucker. 0.99

00:37:32.200 Yeah, they're filming. 1.00

00:37:33.580 Because then you're like a bad guy.

00:37:35.140 Look at this guy's a bad guy.

00:37:37.240 Yeah.

00:37:37.660 Look at this guy. 1.00

00:37:38.440 One video of you being a dick. 1.00

00:37:40.140 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:40.440 This guy's on pills or whatever.

00:37:42.100 Yeah.

00:37:42.300 And people were like, knew he was back on the dust or whatever. 1.00

00:37:45.160 Do you read that shit? 1.00

00:37:45.880 What the fuck, huh? 1.00

00:37:46.940 Do you read that shit? 1.00

00:37:47.700 I don't read all of it, but I definitely see stuff. 1.00

00:37:49.900 You can't miss it.

00:37:50.640 Of course.

00:37:51.260 Yeah.

00:37:51.480 And then it doesn't even matter if you don't read it.

00:37:53.280 You're like, then you just, your mind wanders to what they could be saying.

00:37:56.140 It's usually worse than what they even are.

00:37:57.640 It's like, yeah, that's got to feel shitty.

00:38:00.000 I've seen, yeah, some people like bombard you before and you're always funny and you're

00:38:03.340 always nice.

00:38:05.100 Yeah.

00:38:05.540 But, but also you are someone that people just feel so close to and feel so connected

00:38:10.740 to and feel like you're looking out for them and that you care about them, that people are

00:38:13.680 just, but also you're someone who's, even if they film you in your natural habitat and

00:38:19.160 you don't know you're being filmed, I trust you to be someone.

00:38:21.420 You're just not someone that's going to be like so different than you are here. 0.81

00:38:24.180 Yeah.

00:38:24.900 Yeah.

00:38:25.220 It's like, I'm going to be buying a slave or something or doing something, you know,

00:38:28.300 or, you know, burying somebody.

00:38:32.680 But yeah, I think, oh, I think it's, and I'm not complaining.

00:38:35.460 I love getting to meet people.

00:38:37.000 I think that it has been interesting those times when it gets to levels of where you

00:38:40.220 really do.

00:38:40.800 Some people do have to buy slaves.

00:38:42.520 There's a slave, there's a human slave trade. 1.00

00:38:44.400 I mean, you see it in bathrooms.

00:38:45.600 Like if you see a slave, like a traveler. 0.97

00:38:47.820 Yeah.

00:38:47.840 The White House probably.

00:38:49.160 I think, you know.

00:38:50.040 There is.

00:38:51.180 There is.

00:38:52.040 Yeah.

00:38:52.780 I mean, they're everywhere.

00:38:53.500 In Miami, for sure.

00:38:54.520 Literally, people have to meet up to exchange money to buy people all the time.

00:38:59.260 That's crazy.

00:39:00.500 And imagine you have to, imagine getting all that cash out of an ATM.

00:39:03.680 Dude, you must have to, how much, how much is a, I don't even know if we can look this

00:39:08.280 up.

00:39:08.500 How much is a person on the internet?

00:39:10.120 This is horrible.

00:39:10.980 We, we honestly, this is interesting because I have no idea.

00:39:14.740 I would guess you could buy a person, um, for $20,000, $10,000 probably in some markets.

00:39:23.120 It's so sad.

00:39:24.240 Average cost right here of Russian mail order brides, which I'm not saying is. 1.00

00:39:28.100 Get the fuck out. 0.99

00:39:28.760 And this is way different than slavery. 0.99

00:39:30.040 That's where you would, is it?

00:39:31.620 Huh?

00:39:32.100 I want to denote that we're not talking about the same.

00:39:34.940 No.

00:39:35.120 We haven't.

00:39:35.380 Yes.

00:39:35.800 We're not saying, hey, a Russian mail order bride is somebody that, um, enjoyed farming

00:39:42.000 in the past or whatever.

00:39:43.280 Mm-hmm.

00:39:43.880 This is average cost of a Russian mail order bride, $2,500 to $4,500.

00:39:49.140 Wow.

00:39:50.000 Yeah.

00:39:50.460 I thought it would have been.

00:39:51.200 Oh, I'm aging out of Russian bride this month. 1.00

00:39:54.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:39:54.620 I hate this. 1.00

00:39:55.440 This is bums me out so much when I age out of slave, like being a trafficked.

00:40:00.020 Yeah.

00:40:00.400 I'm out.

00:40:00.860 Oh.

00:40:01.280 No one wants to traffic me.

00:40:02.580 That could be your next special untrafficked.

00:40:04.840 Please.

00:40:05.980 It's so good.

00:40:06.920 Because that is the exact age I'm at where it's like, you just, I'm not worried about it.

00:40:11.400 I know young girls that like do worry about it.

00:40:13.880 Yeah.

00:40:14.200 Getting, getting stolen.

00:40:15.820 Yeah.

00:40:16.180 It's a thing.

00:40:16.240 Well, let me tell you this, ladies.

00:40:17.140 If you're at the gas station, some guy's like, hey, will you help me look for something

00:40:20.340 in the trunk of my car and you get in there, dude?

00:40:24.280 You shouldn't get in there.

00:40:26.600 You know what I'm saying?

00:40:28.540 It's like. 0.97

00:40:31.060 You're so fucking funny. 0.94

00:40:32.440 Some of it's basic rules. 0.97

00:40:33.880 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:35.020 Absolutely.

00:40:36.000 Of, uh, companionship.

00:40:37.900 Yeah.

00:40:38.640 Um, you know what I was going to say?

00:40:40.440 Oh, I was going to say something that was interesting.

00:40:42.500 Oh.

00:40:42.920 Russian bride.

00:40:43.680 Sorry.

00:40:44.080 You know, the percentage of people that had slaves, what percentage of people owned slaves

00:40:48.940 in America?

00:40:53.140 I'm going to say like back.

00:40:54.500 Yes.

00:40:54.820 Yeah.

00:40:54.980 Don't hit it yet.

00:40:55.980 1973 or what are you talking about?

00:40:57.380 Like 18.

00:40:58.420 Like at the peak of slaves.

00:41:01.520 18, 20.

00:41:02.220 Um, I would, I would say honestly just the wealthiest.

00:41:06.220 I would say 50% because it was probably, there was more wealth back then.

00:41:09.740 I would say 5% or less.

00:41:13.020 Oh yeah.

00:41:13.340 Okay.

00:41:16.700 25%.

00:41:17.020 Only 25% owned slaves, but slavery factored heavily in the economy of all the colonies.

00:41:23.240 Wow.

00:41:24.860 Wow.

00:41:25.720 Well, we also don't know if this is a, yeah, we don't know what this is referencing exactly.

00:41:31.360 This feels like a thing, a statistic that should be readily available.

00:41:35.220 Lies. 0.99

00:41:35.600 Oh, he posted one lie circulating only 1% of white Southerners owned slaves, but the 1%

00:41:39.480 of white Southerners families owned 200 or more human beings, but in states of the Confederacy

00:41:43.720 at least 20% owned at least one, and in Mississippi and South Carolina ran as high as 50%.

00:41:49.140 Wow, you're right.

00:41:51.180 Man.

00:41:52.360 Yeah.

00:41:53.660 I mean, we all like wear things and use things that are made by slaves.

00:41:58.160 Like we all participate in it.

00:42:00.420 This skirt was made by a slave, someone who is not getting paid a lot and working back 1.00

00:42:05.020 breaking hours in some country.

00:42:06.400 Like it's just the way that it is. 0.97

00:42:08.540 We're so fucking lucky. 0.95

00:42:10.480 Are we though? 0.96

00:42:12.160 I mean, we are.

00:42:13.080 We are to not be doing that.

00:42:14.520 We're the luckiest people that have maybe ever lived in the history of humankind.

00:42:18.440 We're in the top 0.000001% of luckiness.

00:42:23.100 For sure.

00:42:23.700 But I just mean as a overall society.

00:42:26.420 No, I mean.

00:42:27.280 That's where I was going.

00:42:28.040 I still don't feel like, oh, just because some woman my age is a slave over there that 1.00

00:42:33.680 like I can't complain about my life.

00:42:35.120 I don't feel that because I feel like, you know, there's problems with my life too that are

00:42:39.200 just, you know, she'd be complaining about if she was in my shoes. 1.00

00:42:42.020 It's all relative.

00:42:42.900 Yeah.

00:42:43.100 That she made.

00:42:43.720 Yeah.

00:42:48.300 Don't you dare try them on.

00:42:49.580 She already walked a mile in them, dude. 1.00

00:42:53.600 To break them in.

00:42:55.140 To like give them that worn look that you pay extra for.

00:43:01.040 I'd walk a mile in hers, but I don't want to wear, you know.

00:43:04.540 I'm going to stop you.

00:43:05.580 It's sad.

00:43:06.680 Oh, it's sad.

00:43:07.600 I don't want to laugh about it because.

00:43:09.520 You have to laugh about it.

00:43:10.560 The other day.

00:43:11.000 I'm not making excuses for being like, I'm making an inappropriate joke laughing at slaves. 0.99

00:43:14.900 Literally, what the fuck am I supposed to do otherwise? 0.98

00:43:17.940 At least I'm talking about it. 0.98

00:43:19.240 Yeah.

00:43:19.980 Like it's at least it's something I feel.

00:43:22.340 Oh, yeah.

00:43:22.980 The other day I was with some black guys. 0.99

00:43:24.300 This other black guy came up and they said, damn, Larry looked like a slave. 0.99

00:43:28.360 And I was like, and everybody laughed, you know. 0.99

00:43:31.000 I wrote a joke for the roast that was about Andrew Schultz that was like, you, what's

00:43:39.340 this look you've got going on?

00:43:40.260 You look like a plantation owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool, which is like

00:43:45.900 a great joke.

00:43:47.520 But the word slave like just turns people off and it was too high risk to like drop that

00:43:52.360 word.

00:43:53.300 And at first I was seeing a slave owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool.

00:43:56.160 But then I did it and Finesse Mitchell, a black man, saw me do it at the Laugh Factor

00:44:00.960 and he suggested make it plantation owner just to like take some of the, cause the black 0.99

00:44:06.320 community, I guess, does not even like the mention of that word, which is something I

00:44:08.780 didn't, of course, of course they don't, but I wasn't even like thinking that.

00:44:12.680 Yeah.

00:44:12.980 That could be offensive or just like, it just not a cool thing to just say liberally like

00:44:17.440 that.

00:44:17.760 Yeah.

00:44:18.080 Yeah.

00:44:18.340 But I wouldn't have thought about that.

00:44:19.680 I don't know. 1.00

00:44:20.300 Maybe that's really me being so naive and just a dumb white bitch, but I didn't know that. 1.00

00:44:24.640 But now I do. 1.00

00:44:25.600 Yeah.

00:44:25.940 Well, that's not, that's not the perfect picture for that.

00:44:28.860 What I was just saying, but that's, you get it.

00:44:31.060 Yeah.

00:44:31.220 Let's talk about the roast.

00:44:32.860 Congratulations.

00:44:33.660 Thanks.

00:44:34.100 First of all, you were so funny.

00:44:36.340 Thanks.

00:44:36.960 And not that you weren't going to be, but I think it's a tough environment to do it in.

00:44:42.500 I had one experience with a roast, right?

00:44:44.440 Nothing in comparison to yours, but I realized something about it.

00:44:47.800 It was, it was probably like eight years ago or 12 years ago or something.

00:44:51.960 It was like, who was on it?

00:44:53.600 It was like, I think like, it was like a lot of like B list or D list celebrities type of

00:45:00.940 people.

00:45:01.200 It was like Tila Tequila.

00:45:03.280 Oh, it was like.

00:45:04.340 Was it for a network?

00:45:05.680 Jermaine Dupri, I think maybe was on it.

00:45:08.220 I don't know who else was on it.

00:45:09.900 Um, was this a VH1, MTV, Comedy Central?

00:45:13.800 What's the vibe?

00:45:14.520 No.

00:45:14.960 Oh no.

00:45:15.340 It was just a fundraiser somewhere.

00:45:16.780 Oh, okay.

00:45:17.260 This is a fundraiser.

00:45:17.860 So not like films, never going to exist anywhere, but still.

00:45:20.800 But still, right?

00:45:21.580 And it was like, and like, uh, oh, that lady, Octomom or whatever that had all the children 0.99

00:45:26.040 or whatever.

00:45:26.380 She had like 30 children or something. 0.90

00:45:29.280 Oh my God.

00:45:29.920 This is a great roast fodder.

00:45:32.120 You think it's funny and easy.

00:45:33.560 It's going to be cool.

00:45:34.360 But then you get up there and the people are right there.

00:45:36.740 Yeah.

00:45:37.120 And you're like, oh my God, this is going to hurt some people's feelings.

00:45:41.800 And I have to say this stuff.

00:45:43.640 Yes.

00:45:43.980 So that was when I realized how, how tough, what a tough moment it is.

00:45:49.080 Um, do you feel that when you're doing it?

00:45:51.120 I, I, I thought, no, I don't actually.

00:45:55.240 I, the only time I, if you sign up for a roast, like I understand maybe the first roast that

00:45:59.920 ever happened and I would feel bad because like, what is this?

00:46:03.180 And I wrote all these jokes, but like, go watch roast compilations.

00:46:06.100 That's what's coming at you.

00:46:07.060 If you agreed to do this, you are opening yourself up to that.

00:46:10.100 What if you sign up for a contest?

00:46:11.200 Say you sign up for something where somebody is going to call you a F-A-G-G-O-T, right?

00:46:15.700 You sign up for it.

00:46:16.440 Somebody's like, that's the thing you want to sign up.

00:46:18.640 You're like, yeah, I'll sign up for it, dude.

00:46:19.960 And it seems chill.

00:46:20.800 You're whatever you're backstage practicing.

00:46:21.980 Yeah, that sounds like a good time.

00:46:23.080 Yeah.

00:46:23.200 You're backstage practicing or whatever, like how you're going to react when they call you.

00:46:26.340 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:27.040 Yeah.

00:46:27.260 But then you go out there.

00:46:28.220 It's literally Tom Brady in the bowels of the Kia forum the other night is practicing

00:46:32.280 what to look like when they call him that word.

00:46:35.500 Probably.

00:46:35.960 Yes.

00:46:36.300 That's what I heard is that, you know, he was nervous before and he's probably more worried about his

00:46:40.080 own set than thinking about the reactions.

00:46:41.700 But I think that's a part of being on a roast where you have to like think about what you're

00:46:45.820 going to do when they make fun of you.

00:46:46.920 Yeah.

00:46:47.380 Yeah.

00:46:47.760 I can't hide my feelings.

00:46:48.820 I think it would be tough.

00:46:50.120 Yeah, it is tough.

00:46:51.060 That's why I'm so glad that I would like next time they'll come at me hard because I'll

00:46:54.400 be known.

00:46:55.020 But this time no one knows me.

00:46:56.260 So no one came at me.

00:46:57.140 I mean, there are a couple of jokes, but nothing.

00:46:58.920 But that consistent every person's going to hit you.

00:47:01.920 Yeah.

00:47:02.280 I would hate that.

00:47:03.300 I'm going to hate that.

00:47:04.800 And it will be I'll be older.

00:47:06.580 My face will have more things in it that will make it look weird for people to make

00:47:10.320 fun.

00:47:10.600 Like, you know, like there'll be there'll be more fodder and it will hurt a lot.

00:47:15.040 A lot.

00:47:15.460 So you agree, though, that there's some pain there.

00:47:17.700 Oh, so much pain.

00:47:18.920 But I did like you.

00:47:19.960 Like I said, I before when I've been doing roast, I never thought about people's feelings.

00:47:23.800 And I think the last roast I did was five years ago.

00:47:26.520 And in that time, I think I've worked on myself enough to have empathy and like not want

00:47:29.920 to hurt people.

00:47:30.740 And so this time I was really worried about it.

00:47:33.040 And like, I'm not saying this joke about Jeff Ross.

00:47:35.300 It's too mean.

00:47:35.980 And I don't even believe it.

00:47:37.080 I don't want to say this joke about Burt Kreischer only having one joke.

00:47:39.900 I don't even feel that way.

00:47:40.800 But it's like my friends kept reminding me it's a roast.

00:47:43.100 This is what it is.

00:47:44.140 And they signed up for it.

00:47:45.460 Don't pull back.

00:47:46.400 It's just it's this.

00:47:47.420 Right.

00:47:47.940 So I just but I fought it a lot.

00:47:50.000 There were some jokes I didn't do just be and wouldn't even say here because I was

00:47:52.780 just like they came from such a mean place.

00:47:55.100 And I could never, ever say that someone's face.

00:47:56.940 But two five years ago, I definitely would have done that joke.

00:47:59.400 Really?

00:47:59.640 So you think you were toned down this time?

00:48:01.580 Yeah.

00:48:01.740 I mean, but for the right in the right way.

00:48:03.660 Like, I think it resonated because I hit the exact right tone.

00:48:06.920 Like you do you do that slave joke and I could have lost people because they're just like, 0.99

00:48:10.400 why did she say slave?

00:48:11.320 Like, right.

00:48:12.080 The set was built perfectly.

00:48:14.040 Don't say it anymore.

00:48:14.760 Yeah, I know.

00:48:15.560 But it was built perfectly so that it was didn't affect it.

00:48:19.680 But I didn't I didn't pull back.

00:48:21.160 I found ways to like go just as hard in the way that I wanted to.

00:48:23.440 Yeah.

00:48:23.600 I think.

00:48:24.340 Oh, yeah.

00:48:24.680 I thought it was really masterful.

00:48:26.200 I am.

00:48:26.880 Thanks, man.

00:48:27.580 Yeah.

00:48:28.040 It was really, really cool.

00:48:29.080 And then, yeah, you just see you everywhere and everybody's like, she killed it.

00:48:33.220 Really? 1.00

00:48:33.720 This bitch is it. 1.00

00:48:34.520 She's the fucking honky Cardi B, people are saying. 1.00

00:48:38.300 All kind of stuff. 0.99

00:48:38.940 I haven't read that yet, but that's cool.

00:48:40.180 Yeah.

00:48:40.420 No, like it's cool that it's like what I found is.

00:48:44.800 She's the new Betsy Ross somebody wrote somewhere.

00:48:47.000 Whoa.

00:48:48.040 I don't even.

00:48:48.540 Wait, like Betsy, like, like 1800s Betsy Ross. 0.97

00:48:52.820 Yeah. 0.97

00:48:53.040 The lady that made the freaking flag. 1.00

00:48:55.300 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:48:56.020 Let's get up.

00:48:56.840 Yeah.

00:48:57.520 Thank you.

00:48:58.360 That is.

00:48:58.940 That feels really good. 1.00

00:49:00.320 I heard she was a bitch too, dude. 1.00

00:49:01.360 1700s Betsy Ross. 1.00

00:49:03.240 My bad.

00:49:03.520 My buddy said his great grandfather knew her and she was a chatty bee, dude. 0.60

00:49:09.900 Oh, yeah.

00:49:10.320 Look at her.

00:49:11.420 And she lived forever and people were like, well, this chatty bee just died.

00:49:16.080 She made one cool. 0.79

00:49:17.460 She would have had a podcast. 0.85

00:49:18.960 Oh.

00:49:19.660 A hit podcast.

00:49:20.860 That's true, huh?

00:49:21.740 Call her Betty. 0.80

00:49:23.080 Yeah.

00:49:24.080 Call her Betty, dude. 1.00

00:49:25.240 She would have had it, man.

00:49:27.400 But they, like, she probably said five sentences a day and they're like, she was chatty, you

00:49:32.040 know?

00:49:32.180 Like, she probably was just like, can I get some water?

00:49:35.980 You know, Rick's wife made that flag and she's been real chatty since then. 0.94

00:49:41.280 She looks so quiet.

00:49:42.920 Thankfully, my wife's missing. 0.97

00:49:46.640 It was different times back then, dude. 1.00

00:49:49.600 You could just kill your wife. 1.00

00:49:51.520 Well, hold on. 1.00

00:49:52.440 You cannot.

00:49:53.100 And do not say that.

00:49:54.640 Do not get that out there.

00:49:55.660 No, like, you, not now.

00:49:56.980 Please don't.

00:49:57.840 You're going to get caught.

00:49:58.900 Yeah.

00:49:59.340 But back then, like, you could do anything.

00:50:01.820 It was so, like, that's, I've been talking a lot about, like, on stage about the desire

00:50:08.220 to have kids or not have kids and how I think that a lot of the feeling that when women tell 1.00

00:50:13.260 me, like, you got to do it, you know?

00:50:14.880 And I know they're just trying to get other women.

00:50:16.900 Like, when you're not having a good time, you're like, other people, will you do this

00:50:19.920 too?

00:50:20.620 There's a part of it.

00:50:21.220 And it's very rewarding in its own way.

00:50:23.180 But I think a lot of it, they actually do believe it's so rewarding.

00:50:26.020 But you, I think at some point you have to convince yourself that it is because you have

00:50:29.760 no other option.

00:50:31.780 You have to like it.

00:50:32.900 You can't let in that this is a regret because you can't take it back.

00:50:36.200 You can let in that you regret marrying your husband because there's an out.

00:50:39.080 Or, oh, I bought this house.

00:50:40.620 Or even this tattoo I got.

00:50:42.240 You can let in a little regret when you're like, oh, I can get it removed.

00:50:46.420 Kid, you just have to, you have to convince yourself you like it.

00:50:49.940 And I think you do actually end up liking it because of that.

00:50:52.180 But I think it's because there's no out.

00:50:54.080 What do you think?

00:50:55.100 Well, I, yeah, it's almost like going to prison in a way kind of, but you, yeah, because you

00:51:00.780 can't be the guy in prison.

00:51:01.840 It's every day. 0.95

00:51:02.380 It's like, man, prison sucks, huh? 0.62

00:51:05.200 You're so right. 1.00

00:51:05.960 And people are like, dude, shut the fuck up. 0.99

00:51:08.340 I have to be in here for 21 and a half more years. 0.99

00:51:11.260 Yes.

00:51:11.680 But if you have a life sentence, like it would just, you would just, it would be your life.

00:51:16.800 I think I could probably accept it if there was just no getting out.

00:51:19.700 I'd like a life sentence better than I would like you get out in 40 years.

00:51:22.760 Oh, when you think it's your choice and you could appeal and like they're, yes.

00:51:25.900 Because none of your chicks, either, if you hit them up when you get out, bro, it's a wrap, 0.84

00:51:29.720 dude.

00:51:29.840 They're going to be like.

00:51:30.820 In 40 years?

00:51:31.280 Oh, yeah.

00:51:32.440 Well, hopefully you have a pen pal that you've been lubing up.

00:51:35.200 Yeah.

00:51:35.660 That you, like, and then there's someone waiting for you because, but as soon as you're available,

00:51:39.100 they don't want you.

00:51:40.100 Like as, as a woman who's attracted to unavailable men, as soon as a guy would get out of prison,

00:51:44.300 I'd be like, I just think we should be friends.

00:51:46.700 Like I would, you know, all that stuff I said I was going to do with you, yeah, I'm just

00:51:50.140 not into it anymore because now you're free.

00:51:51.520 But I, there's a part of me that understands when women like are attracted to guys that

00:51:55.260 have life sentences.

00:51:56.180 They can never be with them.

00:51:58.240 Wow.

00:51:58.680 Fear of intimacy.

00:51:59.600 That guy will never get to know me, never touch me.

00:52:01.980 And I can just dream about it.

00:52:03.940 And I can tell everybody about it.

00:52:05.560 It's a great story.

00:52:06.740 Yes.

00:52:07.220 I'm the hero.

00:52:08.300 Yeah.

00:52:08.760 Yeah. 0.95

00:52:08.980 Or I'm the psycho who likes this guy who murdered his wife and has convinced myself 0.81

00:52:14.340 that he wouldn't do that to me if he had a chance. 0.85

00:52:16.500 Yeah.

00:52:16.860 Yeah.

00:52:17.060 Or that I want that kind of, or I want to be the one that's like, he wouldn't murder me.

00:52:20.820 They murdered everyone else.

00:52:21.900 Like I remember hearing about this like male celebrity.

00:52:23.500 Yeah.

00:52:23.560 There's no way he's going to murder me, dude.

00:52:25.600 Oh, Ben Affleck.

00:52:26.580 What was it?

00:52:27.040 What was he like?

00:52:27.800 I'm always fascinated by him.

00:52:29.060 I'm such a fan.

00:52:29.740 You didn't?

00:52:30.320 No, he just, we didn't meet even Brady before the show began.

00:52:33.540 We were just like, got mic'd, got sat, and then all of a sudden the show starts.

00:52:37.580 Is that one of the reasons they do it, you think?

00:52:39.720 So there's no.

00:52:40.680 No, because I guess maybe this is a different production company this time, different network.

00:52:44.340 It used to be Comedy Central.

00:52:45.160 We would all hang out a little bit before, like five minutes before you'd shake their

00:52:48.520 hand like the guy you're about to roast.

00:52:50.240 But there was none of that this time.

00:52:51.800 And then Affleck, I think, just wanted in and out because he didn't want anyone to even

00:52:54.860 know he was there to be roasted. 0.99

00:52:56.820 And I think he was supposed to stay on stage after he got done, but he fucked it. 0.97

00:53:00.360 He booked it out of there because Tom referenced him in his set at some point. 0.96

00:53:04.100 And it was written in the prompter as if Ben would still be there.

00:53:07.100 And he was gone.

00:53:08.120 So I think either he got out because it didn't go the way he wanted it to, or he got out because

00:53:11.580 he's like, I didn't realize it was going to be this kind of thing.

00:53:14.220 I'm not going to sit there and get jokes told about me. 0.99

00:53:17.320 Damn. 0.99

00:53:17.820 So, but yeah, it was, that was, it was weird. 0.99

00:53:20.980 So he was just in and out.

00:53:22.260 In and out.

00:53:22.720 Yeah.

00:53:24.120 And yeah, what was it like when he was up there?

00:53:25.660 What's it like when somebody's up there and they are trying something, right?

00:53:30.080 And it's maybe not being perceived or going over as well, right?

00:53:33.240 We all do that.

00:53:33.840 It's like trying a new joke.

00:53:35.160 It's a brave way to do it.

00:53:36.480 It just sucks for him that in the reason his set went poorly, um, is because he committed

00:53:41.940 to a joke that is the whole, like if the joke doesn't work, the whole set's gone.

00:53:46.060 Cause the whole set was this one premise of I'm reading a tweet and I'm talking back

00:53:49.740 to this guy.

00:53:50.340 Oh, so if it, the first joke bombs, the whole, that's what's based.

00:53:54.120 He didn't switch to another joke.

00:53:55.240 Like for me, one of my joke bombs, I can get it back in the next one.

00:53:58.080 Totally different reset.

00:53:59.140 But his was all about this one thing.

00:54:01.000 So much risk.

00:54:01.960 It was, it was, it was not a good something.

00:54:05.720 Either he didn't prepare well enough or something happened, but it was, but it could have happened

00:54:10.060 to anyone. 0.97

00:54:10.820 It's just, yeah, it happened to him and it sucked.

00:54:13.400 He's always been a risk taker though. 0.82

00:54:15.040 I feel like.

00:54:15.860 Yeah. 0.99

00:54:16.180 And he doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:54:17.140 Like no one's even talking about whatever that was like, it'll be forgotten. 0.99

00:54:20.520 He'll be fine.

00:54:21.020 And he is a risk taker.

00:54:21.940 I like that he even did it.

00:54:23.420 Um, and he had a point of view.

00:54:26.120 You can tell it like he, the whole premise of it was like, I, I hate Tom handed me my,

00:54:31.260 his phone one day and I saw his messages and I couldn't even fathom what the hate he was

00:54:35.040 getting.

00:54:35.680 So he started talking to that, one of those people that was tweeting at him and you could

00:54:39.820 tell he was just really, that was his vendetta.

00:54:41.860 He wanted to say something to the fans because he's been attacked so much.

00:54:45.480 So it was a good premise.

00:54:47.340 Like he wanted to get something out that was inside of him.

00:54:49.980 It just didn't come out the right way, but it was a good premise.

00:54:52.100 I think that was personal for him and obviously to Tom of getting so much hate.

00:54:55.720 Like it's something, but it doesn't resonate with other people because we don't, most people

00:55:00.480 aren't getting hate online and are just like, I don't care.

00:55:03.520 Most people are writing the hate.

00:55:04.640 Exactly.

00:55:05.320 Like we as comedians are always talking about, do you read the hate and stuff?

00:55:08.780 People can't relate to that.

00:55:09.680 People aren't getting this kind of, there are like, you know, there's a lot of influences

00:55:13.120 out there, but it's not a relatable thing.

00:55:15.240 Yeah.

00:55:16.300 I guess if you have like 400 followers and that would be a lot for just a normal person.

00:55:22.380 If you know that many people that are following you, if you get like 14 likes on something,

00:55:26.140 that's good.

00:55:26.620 Like, are you getting sad if you get seven?

00:55:28.900 Right.

00:55:29.120 Like what, it's probably just all the same.

00:55:31.380 Yeah.

00:55:32.120 You don't, you're not like as obsessed with that stuff. 0.99

00:55:34.180 Some people don't even have that shit to grade themselves. 0.99

00:55:36.500 Yeah. 0.99

00:55:36.620 I'll get some things that'll be like, bet your son will be a F.A.G. or whatever, you

00:55:40.680 know?

00:55:41.440 And then it'll be like, go Raiders or whatever.

00:55:44.020 Go, or go Jets.

00:55:45.300 It's all over the place.

00:55:46.140 And you're like, well, what is this about?

00:55:47.780 Is this a DraftKings advertisement?

00:55:50.880 What is this?

00:55:52.020 So that's the craziest thing, dude.

00:55:55.020 Dude, it's so funny.

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00:58:34.860 Was it better having the Comedy Central run the roast or was it better with Netflix?

00:58:39.520 It was different.

00:58:40.220 I think because this was live.

00:58:41.660 I was just like, why are they going to do that?

00:58:44.200 Like, why are they doing this live?

00:58:45.680 Why do it live?

00:58:46.160 Because it was an event.

00:58:47.740 That's why everyone watched it.

00:58:49.160 If this would have been just like something that aired later on, I don't think it would 0.99

00:58:52.140 have been this good because there were just it was like everyone was like, what the fuck? 0.98

00:58:55.520 This is live. 0.97

00:58:56.300 It was really crazy.

00:58:57.640 And that's why in past roasts, I've done really I've done this well before in past roasts,

00:59:02.800 I feel.

00:59:03.540 But when it after it's edited, everyone looks like they did that good because of the magic

00:59:08.920 of editing.

00:59:09.320 So I've never had like this kind of splash.

00:59:11.720 Not not that I've been like, why didn't more people say I was good?

00:59:14.580 It just I never even thought to think that.

00:59:16.700 But I was like, I didn't.

00:59:18.100 This to me was like a same that I've done on everyone.

00:59:20.280 But it was just like it wasn't I just did a set that wasn't edited that looked edited

00:59:24.440 because I knew it wouldn't be edited.

00:59:26.240 So I didn't have the benefit of I'll tell that joke and they'll just cut it if it doesn't

00:59:29.720 go well.

00:59:30.260 So I just had to make it like perfect.

00:59:31.540 Good for you, dude.

00:59:32.320 Thanks, man.

00:59:32.980 Way to think something through.

00:59:34.020 Sometimes it's so hard to figure out all those little angles and piece them all together.

00:59:37.260 It's really tough.

00:59:37.980 It's you know, and I got so much advice from my friends who work in production and

00:59:41.340 who work in live production.

00:59:43.320 My friends who are just good writers, good roast writers.

00:59:46.380 Like I just got like a lot of advice of like how to frame it and tell a story.

00:59:51.920 And because you could just get up there and just tell the best jokes and like pick the

00:59:55.800 best ones.

00:59:56.360 And that will be a great set.

00:59:57.460 But there's other elements to it, too, that make it fun and and can make it just more palatable,

01:00:02.240 I guess.

01:00:03.200 Yeah, I think your level of confidence to having had done it a lot.

01:00:06.280 Yeah, definitely helps.

01:00:07.560 Also, Comedy Central was horribly late to the social media game.

01:00:11.100 Can you believe Comedy Central is still on?

01:00:13.240 On what?

01:00:13.760 I think they have one show.

01:00:15.840 They have two shows, three original shows right now.

01:00:18.300 I think they have South Park, Awkwafina and one other animation show.

01:00:23.440 That's all their original programming.

01:00:25.080 Wow.

01:00:25.640 Like, how different is that than even 10 years?

01:00:28.440 Like, it's insane.

01:00:29.520 But you had Comedy, you're the one thing that a Comedy or Title, but we've talked about that

01:00:33.120 a lot on here.

01:00:33.700 They kind of dropped the wall.

01:00:34.600 But the biggest thing that they did was they went late to social media.

01:00:37.500 They went really late to it.

01:00:38.740 They went late to internet.

01:00:40.340 Yeah.

01:00:40.520 They just were late to that whole game.

01:00:42.980 Yes.

01:00:44.600 You know, they.

01:00:45.620 And Daily Show.

01:00:46.300 Sorry, they have Daily Show.

01:00:47.220 Oh, sorry.

01:00:47.640 They have.

01:00:48.340 Yes, that's it.

01:00:49.000 Daily Show, Awkwafina, Dig Man and South Park.

01:00:51.900 That's it.

01:00:52.360 That's nuts.

01:00:53.520 They used to have so much.

01:00:54.880 Yeah.

01:00:55.680 Well, times have just changed, too.

01:00:56.820 Yeah.

01:00:56.920 I mean, people aren't really watching.

01:00:57.860 But they were late, and I think that didn't help as well.

01:01:00.800 So, as if roasters did great for people to see it as easily.

01:01:04.600 Yeah.

01:01:04.820 It was like, I blew up from the roast because of clips that when TikTok came around.

01:01:09.820 Right.

01:01:09.960 Like, that's when people noticed me from the original roast.

01:01:12.520 And Netflix makes good clips.

01:01:13.620 I mean, their clips just look glossier.

01:01:15.020 It's just, you know, even as compared to stuff you see on, for some reason, they just do

01:01:19.600 a better job of it.

01:01:20.860 Yeah.

01:01:21.080 And then Tom Brady is so high profile.

01:01:22.900 Huge.

01:01:23.080 You just don't realize it.

01:01:24.380 Yeah.

01:01:24.520 I didn't even want to do a roast again.

01:01:26.480 Like, I don't know.

01:01:27.900 The idea of roasting, like the Jonas Brothers, not that they even asked me to do that roast,

01:01:31.240 but when that was, I was like, oh, that's the level where-

01:01:32.980 They already did that one?

01:01:33.720 Yeah.

01:01:34.040 Which was fun, and I probably would entertain it.

01:01:36.760 But it was like, I just didn't want to put myself up to be made fun of.

01:01:41.240 Like, it's just not worth it to me if it's not a big deal.

01:01:43.660 And Tom Brady, I'm like, this is a big deal.

01:01:46.000 So I wrote, I think, Robbie Praw, the guy at Netflix who books everyone, and I think I

01:01:54.660 wrote to him, or he wrote to me about something else.

01:01:56.760 And I go, I saw this Tom Brady roast.

01:01:58.960 This is like six months ago.

01:02:01.040 Wow.

01:02:01.340 And I was like, I want that.

01:02:02.300 And he was like, I'm actually meeting with Tom pretty soon.

01:02:05.060 I was like, tell Tom I'm the Tom Brady of roasting, and that it's not going to be a

01:02:10.940 Tom Brady roast without the best roaster there is right now.

01:02:14.020 And did I believe that at the time?

01:02:15.880 No.

01:02:16.640 Like, but I know, what I meant was I'll work the hardest.

01:02:20.300 Yeah. 0.94

01:02:21.080 Like, I might be a six-round draft pick, but I'll fucking, I'll prove to everyone by 0.98

01:02:26.340 working hard. 0.96

01:02:27.180 I won't, I will not take this lightly.

01:02:28.480 This is a big opportunity.

01:02:29.180 Like, and so, I don't even know if he communicated that to him, but I did, I remember, like, I

01:02:33.580 never talk myself up in that way.

01:02:35.060 Like, I'm really not very good at being like, I can do this, but I really did feel like I

01:02:38.800 could.

01:02:39.120 And so, I thought, oh, if I can appeal to Tom's sense of like, I have work ethic like

01:02:43.300 you do, and I won't phone this in.

01:02:46.260 This is, you're a big deal.

01:02:47.260 I'm, like, get me.

01:02:48.760 And so when I got it, I was like, you, this is the, you have to give it everything.

01:02:53.220 Right. 1.00

01:02:53.440 If you ask for the ball, you have to fucking, you have to shoot. 1.00

01:02:55.660 Everything. 1.00

01:02:56.180 Yes.

01:02:56.440 So, I, the amount of, I worked on that, I don't love working that hard, but you just

01:03:00.840 have to ask for help.

01:03:01.560 You just have to have, ask for help in terms of, like, stopping other things and having

01:03:06.260 people protect you from getting overworked.

01:03:08.500 And were you wearing panties up there or not, to be honest?

01:03:11.080 Oh, yeah.

01:03:11.820 Totally.

01:03:12.580 Oh, yeah.

01:03:12.900 You got it.

01:03:13.180 I was wearing, I was actually, yeah.

01:03:15.380 Did you think about what panties you wear?

01:03:17.080 Because Tom Brady's going to be there.

01:03:18.520 Do you, is that like a, is that a perverted thing to ask you?

01:03:22.000 No, not at all, actually.

01:03:22.980 I think, um, no, it really, um, I think, yeah, you kind of do think, you know what, 0.99

01:03:28.200 if there's no chance I'm having sex, I really don't give a shit, you know? 0.99

01:03:31.120 And like, no one's going to see, I don't care. 0.99

01:03:32.860 So, I don't think, I think that I wanted them to be black in case they, something happened 1.00

01:03:37.340 and they show, but there was no chance of them showing.

01:03:39.760 My skirt wasn't as short as it may have looked. 0.98

01:03:41.860 If your vagina hair gets real long, do women comb it or whatever? 1.00

01:03:45.480 I don't know. 0.98

01:03:46.100 Mine never gets like that long enough to think about, you probably try to tuck it up, I would

01:03:50.840 think, um, into the underwear, but no, I, but if, yeah, I definitely would, if I, if

01:03:59.160 I was like out and I was like, I'm going to have sex and I didn't prepare for this and

01:04:02.040 I was wearing like a bad thong, I would just wear, no, I would just take it off and throw

01:04:05.400 it away because I'd rather be wearing none than like a disappointing pair, even though 0.97

01:04:08.340 I know most men don't even fucking care. 0.98

01:04:09.660 Give it to a stray animal, huh? 0.99

01:04:10.500 Give him a little treat, huh?

01:04:11.220 Shoot something to chew on, yeah.

01:04:12.320 Hey, um, Bubbles, huh?

01:04:13.660 You want to party a little tonight?

01:04:15.260 Go get your rocks off, little pony. 0.92

01:04:18.060 Um, did you, was there part of you that thinks I may have a chance with Tom?

01:04:22.040 I mean, you're an attractive lady, you're very funny, you actually look kind of like Giselle,

01:04:25.360 you know?

01:04:25.820 That's really nice of you and people are going to comment that Theo was on one when he said

01:04:30.500 that, but I will say, um.

01:04:32.940 He's on that dust.

01:04:34.420 Exactly.

01:04:34.780 Well, I will say that I, I have a boyfriend, so I was like, no, but like.

01:04:40.120 But he would understand.

01:04:41.420 Yeah, he would.

01:04:42.820 If you left him for Tom, yeah, who's not going to understand?

01:04:45.360 I'm not going to leave him for him, but if I bang Tom, like, I think he'd probably be

01:04:50.000 like, you gotta do it.

01:04:51.480 Yeah, get in there.

01:04:53.000 Like, but I, that wasn't in my, I really did not think that, but yeah, I mean like, I will

01:04:57.320 say that, you know, I've, I've done these roasts before and last time I was single and I 0.96

01:05:01.040 like did a bunch of jokes about wanting to fuck Blake Griffin because he was going to be there 0.97

01:05:04.260 and I would, I mean, I would, he's an attractive man, I was single, so I was like, I'll throw 0.98

01:05:08.200 in jokes about that and just.

01:05:09.620 See what happens.

01:05:10.020 And it's a joke, you know, like I don't really want, it's a joke, but yeah, was there a little

01:05:13.680 bit of like, I would maybe, like, try me, like, I'm not like just going to do, oh, oh, 0.99

01:05:18.780 he'll fuck me in a bat, like, if he wants to and like, he's charming, like, it's a way 1.00

01:05:22.380 to flirt. 1.00

01:05:23.320 It's definitely a way to open the conversation.

01:05:25.740 Yeah.

01:05:26.080 So yeah.

01:05:27.060 Oh my God.

01:05:28.020 Okay.

01:05:28.320 I can kind of see it.

01:05:29.220 I mean, that's my goal.

01:05:30.000 Like, my, Giselle's the prettiest person that's ever lived.

01:05:32.620 Um, so I, so I could get to a 9.2.

01:05:35.320 If I keep getting the right kind of work in doctors, I could maybe get to looking like

01:05:38.720 her, like, you know, her half sister or something like that.

01:05:42.420 Yeah.

01:05:43.320 Like Giselle.

01:05:45.020 Yeah, exactly.

01:05:46.180 People are like, whoa, dude.

01:05:49.280 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:51.780 Sorry.

01:05:55.120 I like, I'm trying to think of another one.

01:05:58.680 Giselle, but like the way you pay people. 0.66

01:06:01.140 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:02.440 Yeah. 0.97

01:06:02.760 Like, that's the ultimate, uh, hooker name, Giselle. 1.00

01:06:08.420 That's great. 0.98

01:06:09.920 That would have been a good roast joke, huh, baby?

01:06:11.860 That's good.

01:06:12.220 That's good.

01:06:12.780 No, you've got it. 0.99

01:06:13.640 You can fucking, I was thinking your brain to, like, next time I do a roast, I'm just 0.99

01:06:18.040 going to be like, can I just send pictures of these people and you just tell me the first 0.99

01:06:20.880 thing that comes to your mind?

01:06:21.700 Because you say, you're the funniest, you're one of the funniest people that's ever lived.

01:06:24.860 Like, you are, you would be amazing at roast jokes.

01:06:27.240 You're able to just, like, look at something and break it down in a way that, you know,

01:06:31.520 yes, you do know.

01:06:32.500 I mean, like, you've just been, maybe you don't know, but the way your mind works and processes 0.74

01:06:36.860 things is so fucking elite and cool.

01:06:39.960 And, uh, yeah, whenever I'm feeling not funny, I'll watch some of your, like, compilations

01:06:45.000 and stuff of just how you talk and how you think.

01:06:46.980 And it gets my mind into a place of, like, more, being more creative.

01:06:49.940 Oh, that's sweet of you to say that.

01:06:50.660 Like, I don't know if you ever feel that way.

01:06:52.020 Like, the people you're around, like, make me funnier.

01:06:55.020 Like, I absorb it.

01:06:56.000 Oh, I think that there's a lot of truth to that.

01:06:58.280 It's funny because, uh, and thank you.

01:07:00.420 No, it's true.

01:07:01.400 Sweet stuff for you to say.

01:07:02.220 You're elite.

01:07:02.640 I think there was a time when I, my brain was really good and something happened in my

01:07:05.580 brain.

01:07:05.800 I think I might be getting a disease or something.

01:07:07.600 No way.

01:07:08.360 Um.

01:07:08.880 No, you're sharp as ever.

01:07:10.060 Oh, I don't know.

01:07:11.200 I live in here.

01:07:11.740 Really?

01:07:11.760 You feel it?

01:07:12.260 I live in here, yeah.

01:07:12.900 You feel a dullness?

01:07:14.140 Like, things are coming to you as quickly?

01:07:14.840 I feel like a lot of times I'll, my brain used to just give me, like, the craziest,

01:07:18.680 like, best idea and it would even surprise me.

01:07:20.960 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:21.160 And now this motherfucker's just a fucking. 1.00

01:07:22.900 You might be used to it, though. 1.00

01:07:24.700 I don't know.

01:07:25.640 Because I, I haven't sensed a dip off from just observing.

01:07:28.440 Oh, that's sweet.

01:07:28.620 You make me laugh.

01:07:29.460 That's what I was thinking today.

01:07:30.340 I, it's like sometimes you sit in here and you have fun and this is one of those times.

01:07:33.480 Oh, well, making you laugh is a privilege.

01:07:35.380 But I always just come in here.

01:07:36.400 I'm like, I'm not even going to try to be funny.

01:07:37.820 I just want to, like, laugh because I, I actually, I'm on, I'm on Reddit a lot and people,

01:07:43.880 well, the comedian subreddits will.

01:07:46.420 Oh, I'm thinking of a drug or whatever.

01:07:49.920 Yeah.

01:07:50.380 Like, how many milligrams do you want, dude? 0.97

01:07:53.720 The more milligrams of Reddit, somebody's on the fucking worst they're doing, dude. 0.71

01:07:57.260 No, I only do it at night after a long day. 0.79

01:07:59.640 Like, I, I will, I love Reddit, but they'll show me a lot of, um, my friend comedians

01:08:04.720 and I kind of see their subreddits and yours is, like, so beloved.

01:08:08.040 And people, like, love you so much and I've part, like, not participated in it, but I've,

01:08:11.260 like, read through it and, like, some of your, sometimes I just go through and they'll be,

01:08:14.920 like, what's your favorite theuism?

01:08:16.200 And I'll just, like, read them.

01:08:17.180 It's, you're brilliant.

01:08:18.660 I don't mean to fan out, but I'm just saying, like, when I came in here, I'm like, oh, I'm

01:08:22.460 just going to, like, laugh the whole time.

01:08:23.740 That's, like, what it is. 1.00

01:08:24.800 You and Tim Dillon, that episode, fuck it. 1.00

01:08:27.100 I've listened to it a couple times. 1.00

01:08:28.620 How funny was that?

01:08:28.700 He's so.

01:08:29.180 You both.

01:08:30.180 No, he is.

01:08:31.520 But he's next, I mean, he's next level.

01:08:33.000 You guys are on the same level.

01:08:34.280 I saw him at a dessert place or whatever, a dessert banquet.

01:08:38.920 It might have even been, like, a dog show, but for desserts, you know?

01:08:44.360 Okay.

01:08:44.800 And it was, like, a, and he was there.

01:08:48.960 I think he was a judge or whatever. 0.95

01:08:50.180 I have no idea what the fuck that means. 0.96

01:08:50.940 Okay. 0.96

01:08:51.280 But he was like, man, we did something that day, didn't we?

01:08:55.600 Dude, did you ever?

01:08:57.000 I've talked to him about it so often.

01:08:58.940 And I just talked to someone recently who was, like, Theo and Tim, and we were quoting pieces of it where you guys were talking about those, the Uber Eats drivers, the DoorDash guys.

01:09:09.000 DoorDash, yeah.

01:09:10.180 Oh, you had some great lines in that.

01:09:11.920 Like, you guys, you both were just on fire.

01:09:14.180 It was so fun.

01:09:15.360 Oh, my God.

01:09:15.880 That was such a great episode.

01:09:17.260 You guys should get together more often.

01:09:19.940 This has been fun.

01:09:20.700 I got to go do his show.

01:09:21.740 He's like, let's let it simmer.

01:09:23.520 Let's let it, you know?

01:09:24.260 No, we want more.

01:09:24.860 You made a good steak.

01:09:26.080 He's like, just let it, you know, let's raise the calf.

01:09:28.240 No, no, no.

01:09:28.940 Don't raise the calf because there's no amount that we, as fans, I'm a fan of both of yours in the same way.

01:09:35.780 And I'm not like that with every comedian.

01:09:37.280 Like, I'm not consuming their content.

01:09:39.240 But you guys, I would be, like, the way, I would be, like, refreshing.

01:09:46.040 When is this going to be posted?

01:09:47.140 I'd be so excited.

01:09:48.440 It's my favorite.

01:09:49.640 Yeah, he makes me laugh.

01:09:51.280 Yeah, I've been lucky to have some neat conversations with people.

01:09:54.060 And, yeah, it's a good way, too, to get to know people.

01:09:56.480 And then this is what I start to realize, Nikki.

01:09:57.940 It's like the most time you get to spend sometimes in a real conversation with some of the comedians is through podcasting.

01:10:04.320 This is our hang.

01:10:05.800 Someone said the thing of, like, did comedians have friendships before podcasting?

01:10:10.180 Like, what did they do?

01:10:11.460 Like, yeah, this is how I get to know people.

01:10:13.660 This is how, this is the most we've hung out.

01:10:15.560 We've gone to, like, dinner before and stuff.

01:10:17.100 But, like, these are where we have conversations that we would never have, even at dinner, maybe, of just, like, sitting and doing nothing else.

01:10:24.560 We're not on our phones.

01:10:25.540 Yeah.

01:10:25.960 When are you hanging with someone not on your phone?

01:10:27.920 So, yeah, this is how I love podcasting for the friendship that you get out of it sometimes.

01:10:32.620 Yeah.

01:10:33.160 It's great.

01:10:34.180 Yeah, and to get to catch up and, yeah, have some moments in someone's life.

01:10:37.060 Yeah.

01:10:37.800 Do you jockey for position with the roasts on where you get to be in the order?

01:10:42.580 I tried.

01:10:42.980 You know, I said, I want to go first.

01:10:44.380 How does that work? 0.97

01:10:45.720 You just, like, wait for them to tell you what the fuck is going on because there's no, like, you don't know a lot. 0.52

01:10:50.980 They're just like, here's who's going to be on, and then you find out, like, oh, that person dropped out a week ago. 0.93

01:10:55.120 And I'm like, okay, well, I've been writing about them for a week.

01:10:57.680 Like, can you tell me?

01:10:58.600 Like, it's kind of like.

01:10:59.340 Like, who dropped out?

01:11:00.560 Mike Tyson.

01:11:02.420 Oh, that would have been good.

01:11:02.920 And then someone else I'll tell you off air.

01:11:04.500 But, yeah, like.

01:11:05.440 Man or woman? 0.95

01:11:06.280 I'm going to ask three questions.

01:11:07.100 And there were actually three men that dropped off.

01:11:09.900 Two comedians, Mike Tyson, and then one celebrity guy, actor.

01:11:15.060 Three comedians.

01:11:15.700 Mike Tyson.

01:11:16.320 Two comedians.

01:11:17.320 Two comedians.

01:11:18.820 And they were men.

01:11:19.940 Yeah, and I don't even know if they were confirmed.

01:11:21.440 Maybe they were just names that were floated.

01:11:23.260 I wish.

01:11:24.420 Oh, because I'm friends with him enough to be like, don't drop out.

01:11:28.940 What are you doing?

01:11:30.280 This is great for you, you know?

01:11:31.660 But, no, it wasn't Tim.

01:11:34.100 And don't tell us any names because I can't lie.

01:11:36.380 And I'll make you cut it.

01:11:38.180 I can't think of other people.

01:11:39.780 Oh, good.

01:11:40.220 Great.

01:11:41.340 I'm so glad your brain is doing exactly what you said it was doing before.

01:11:43.660 That's what I'm telling you.

01:11:44.240 Oh, dude.

01:11:44.780 It's real.

01:11:45.460 It is real.

01:11:45.760 It's just empty, yeah.

01:11:47.580 Dang.

01:11:48.320 But Mike Tyson, so he didn't want to do it or he just couldn't.

01:11:50.600 Who knows?

01:11:51.280 He could have had something that he had to go do.

01:11:52.820 He's training.

01:11:53.340 Who knows?

01:11:53.600 I think at one point Gronk was supposed to miss it.

01:11:55.700 He was on it and then they took him off because he had to go to a wedding and then he decided

01:11:58.780 to come back on.

01:11:59.600 And I was like, thank God.

01:12:00.700 He made that roast so, like, it wouldn't have been the same without him.

01:12:04.060 So I'm so glad he decided to do it.

01:12:05.940 The people that dropped out would have been great, but it wasn't like they weren't show

01:12:09.620 stoppers in terms of, like, what's going to happen.

01:12:12.600 They would have killed, though.

01:12:13.940 There's one in particular that I'm like, come on, man.

01:12:16.340 What are you doing?

01:12:17.060 You should have done it.

01:12:18.140 And I think he...

01:12:18.920 Dave Attell, probably.

01:12:20.260 No, I wish.

01:12:21.360 I mean, he'd be amazing at it.

01:12:22.720 I've never seen him do a roast, though.

01:12:23.900 That's what I thought, too.

01:12:24.780 But yeah, I wanted to go first because that's where I've gone before.

01:12:28.300 Oh, okay.

01:12:28.620 Right after the host.

01:12:29.360 Just open it up and then I'm done and I can relax and just enjoy the night.

01:12:32.400 I don't want to sit there all night, like, thinking about my set and, like, I just want

01:12:35.560 to be done.

01:12:36.260 I always want to go first on shows.

01:12:37.640 I just don't want to wait around and think about being...

01:12:39.680 That's how I am during sex, dude.

01:12:41.940 You know, and people...

01:12:42.940 Yeah, girls don't understand it. 1.00

01:12:45.080 See, I want them to go first.

01:12:46.880 And then, like, so I don't have to worry about pleasing you.

01:12:49.140 That's me, dude.

01:12:49.980 Yes, yes, exactly.

01:12:50.720 Oh, yeah.

01:12:51.300 Yeah, you're the same way.

01:12:52.380 Yes, yes.

01:12:53.080 I want to go first, dude.

01:12:53.680 Get my work done and then I can relax and get my stuff done.

01:12:57.660 Oh, I see what you're doing.

01:12:58.560 Like, after I got you off, like, now I feel like I can just relax.

01:13:01.980 If I'm, like, you know, if I...

01:13:04.240 It's like when you massage someone and you're like, I'll massage you after this. 0.99

01:13:07.020 Like, I can't enjoy the massage because I'm like, I have to massage this bitch after 1.00

01:13:09.540 this. 1.00

01:13:09.940 Oh, yeah, dude.

01:13:10.760 So it's kind of like that.

01:13:12.760 But I ended up, yeah, I asked for a first spot.

01:13:15.520 But you just, I don't have any power.

01:13:16.960 I was just like, I would like to really go first if there is a chance for me. 0.99

01:13:20.120 And I'm the least famous person on the fucking thing. 0.96

01:13:22.560 And they go, I go, I think it would really behoove the show for me to go early. 0.99

01:13:26.600 I've gone early in three different rows and it worked out.

01:13:29.220 But I don't want to also be like, the last production company did it this way.

01:13:32.360 Right.

01:13:32.660 Because they might go, well, then we're not doing it that way because we're doing things

01:13:35.640 differently.

01:13:35.940 What were the differences between the Comedy Central version and the Netflix version?

01:13:39.480 You think, well, the one was it was live.

01:13:41.240 It was live.

01:13:42.260 So that made it totally different.

01:13:44.120 Yeah.

01:13:44.480 I think I didn't think about this before.

01:13:46.200 But after the fact, like you can say any, like I never censored myself, but it would

01:13:49.580 get bleeped.

01:13:50.140 And bleeped things aren't as funny as just saying it.

01:13:51.980 Sometimes they are.

01:13:52.720 Sometimes a bleep is funnier than the word.

01:13:54.760 Right.

01:13:55.260 But it was 100% live.

01:13:56.960 Like, yeah.

01:13:57.820 No way.

01:13:58.780 So scary.

01:14:00.220 Like, I'm not kidding you.

01:14:01.780 I was.

01:14:02.260 Oh, and I've said this before on other podcasts.

01:14:04.040 So I'm sorry, I don't want to repeat myself, but I think we'll get into something else

01:14:07.000 with this is that, dude, I have my set locked in.

01:14:11.240 It's in the prompter.

01:14:12.180 I just gave it right before we're going out.

01:14:13.920 Like last minute, I'm making changes to certain words, everything.

01:14:17.340 It's perfect.

01:14:18.120 I submit it.

01:14:18.980 I'm out there.

01:14:19.560 And then Kevin Hart like does one of the jokes in my set.

01:14:23.920 And I have, there's nothing I can do.

01:14:25.220 There's no stop down.

01:14:26.040 There's no commercials.

01:14:27.100 And I'm just like, what do I do?

01:14:28.200 And I just decided to tell it.

01:14:29.320 Thankfully, it was our sets were separated enough that I was like, people might forget that

01:14:34.020 he said that.

01:14:34.480 But that was like, there's just, there's just, and oh, this is another thing.

01:14:38.860 Oh, I haven't said this before.

01:14:42.060 Speaking of underwear, and I was going to say this and then I go, don't say this, but

01:14:44.780 I think it's kind of funny.

01:14:46.000 I think it's good.

01:14:46.280 Yeah.

01:14:46.420 I think people need to know.

01:14:47.400 What is it?

01:14:48.260 I like right before my period ended like a day before the roast.

01:14:52.440 And so I was like, I'm good.

01:14:53.400 Like I was took out the last one.

01:14:55.240 Like, I don't know if you know how it works.

01:14:56.360 How many do you do?

01:14:57.020 Cause they're almost like cigarettes.

01:14:58.180 You don't do a whole pack.

01:14:59.260 Do you?

01:14:59.680 Um, sometimes like if you're really like, yeah.

01:15:02.840 Oh, you can go through, not in a day.

01:15:04.760 It's in a day.

01:15:05.340 It's about three or three, two to four in a day, four on a very heavy day.

01:15:10.500 And maybe some girls are fives. 1.00

01:15:11.860 And some days, maybe a girl is a one. 0.70

01:15:13.500 No way.

01:15:14.000 Yeah.

01:15:14.300 I thought there was just one.

01:15:15.380 And then a couple of days later, you take it out.

01:15:17.080 No way.

01:15:17.660 Really?

01:15:18.040 Yeah.

01:15:18.460 Yeah.

01:15:18.660 It's three or four a day.

01:15:19.700 We all thought that.

01:15:20.720 Really?

01:15:21.120 Well, this is three or four.

01:15:22.300 And I wouldn't expect you to know that.

01:15:23.760 Like, it's like, we're not talking about it.

01:15:25.700 Yeah.

01:15:26.420 You're going to need the gum to quit, dude.

01:15:29.080 That's crazy.

01:15:30.500 What?

01:15:31.140 Yeah.

01:15:31.360 I was doing menthols, too.

01:15:33.200 Oh, wow.

01:15:34.960 No filter.

01:15:35.860 But I like, but yeah, there's something.

01:15:37.700 No.

01:15:38.760 Why doesn't Marlboro make a tampon?

01:15:41.200 They probably, with some nicotine in it, that's a way to absorb it.

01:15:44.940 I mean, there's one, you can soak vodka and get high from doing that.

01:15:48.400 But I, so I was on my last one.

01:15:50.620 And like, at my age, your period will stop and it'll start.

01:15:53.540 And like, there's just us funky things.

01:15:55.300 It's like puttering out.

01:15:56.560 Like, it's like, we don't know what's going on.

01:15:58.300 So, I thought it was done.

01:16:00.920 And then I'm going to, for my, right, to go to the bathroom right before we go on.

01:16:04.840 I'm like, I'm just going to pee one last time.

01:16:06.360 And like, it's back on.

01:16:08.980 More period?

01:16:10.100 It's back on.

01:16:11.040 Wow, over time.

01:16:11.080 It went from nothing for a day.

01:16:12.700 Nothing.

01:16:13.220 I was done.

01:16:14.100 To it's enough that something needs to be, like, I can't just like wipe it and be like,

01:16:18.280 oh.

01:16:19.320 And, um.

01:16:20.120 Oh, yeah.

01:16:20.920 And I'm in the Forum bathroom.

01:16:22.760 I mean, probably.

01:16:23.380 You're in a foreign bathroom? 1.00

01:16:24.380 Forum.

01:16:25.020 At the Kia Forum.

01:16:26.080 I'm in the bathroom in the backstage.

01:16:27.460 So, it's like in this like kind of party area.

01:16:29.140 It's not a bathroom that has like women's products or anything.

01:16:31.660 So, I just made a tampon with, I just went like this and just shoved it up.

01:16:35.940 And corked it with some toilet paper.

01:16:38.000 Which any girl listening has done before. 0.99

01:16:40.540 Really?

01:16:41.300 Yeah, because you either make a, you go like this and you make a pad and you put the pad

01:16:44.820 like with a bunch of toilet paper.

01:16:45.960 You make a pad.

01:16:46.800 But I couldn't risk making a pad because I was wearing a thong.

01:16:49.220 It could have just slipped out and I'm wearing a dress and it falls out.

01:16:51.660 This like bloody napkin would fall out.

01:16:53.280 Oh, man.

01:16:53.520 But I swear to God, I didn't tuck it that well.

01:16:55.680 Later on, after the roast, I went pee and I'm like, it was, it was loose.

01:16:59.720 It could have fallen out.

01:17:00.460 Can you imagine on live TV if my napkin with blood on it, like toilet paper would have

01:17:07.120 fallen?

01:17:07.440 Like, it's not like a nice look.

01:17:08.580 It's like all crumpled up.

01:17:09.860 Fell out.

01:17:10.540 Like, what would I have done?

01:17:12.140 Like, that kind of thought goes through my mind.

01:17:13.780 I'm like, that was so close to happening.

01:17:15.860 So close to happening.

01:17:16.820 It's scary.

01:17:17.180 It's like one of those hospital scenes in Dunkirk.

01:17:18.960 Have you seen Dunkirk?

01:17:20.080 No, but.

01:17:21.140 It's like a war movie.

01:17:22.240 Even if the cameras didn't catch it, someone on the dais would have done something with

01:17:26.220 it and then it would have been a thing.

01:17:27.760 Who would have done it?

01:17:28.760 Let's decide right now.

01:17:31.220 Well, Jeff Ross.

01:17:32.840 Jeff actually probably would have saved me and just seen it and covered it up.

01:17:36.340 He's like, yeah.

01:17:39.460 Yes.

01:17:39.780 He would have said it was his.

01:17:41.900 Like, guys.

01:17:42.640 He would have put it in as a pocket square.

01:17:44.400 Yeah.

01:17:44.700 Yeah.

01:17:44.980 He would have had my back, but.

01:17:48.400 Yeah.

01:17:48.900 Or you could have said, oh, he could have been like, oh, I thought What's-Her-Name was on

01:17:52.000 the dais, the lady from that blood movie.

01:17:54.200 Oh, the woman that talks like this. 1.00

01:17:56.620 Yeah.

01:17:57.160 Theranos.

01:17:57.760 Yeah.

01:17:58.060 Elizabeth Holmes.

01:17:59.020 Yeah.

01:17:59.220 They could have been like, oh, Elizabeth Holmes is here, guys.

01:18:01.120 Oh, yeah.

01:18:01.340 That would have been good.

01:18:02.180 That's good.

01:18:03.120 But yeah, like, do you ever think about things like that?

01:18:05.480 Like, oh, my God.

01:18:06.080 That could have gone so bad.

01:18:07.760 Do you have like waves of anxiety?

01:18:09.160 Anytime I've done anything.

01:18:10.300 And you're like, oh, my God.

01:18:10.860 I could have said that word or what.

01:18:12.980 Like.

01:18:13.820 Yeah, dude.

01:18:14.600 It's live TV.

01:18:15.260 The things I could have done.

01:18:16.360 And I know what word it is, dude.

01:18:18.160 And yeah.

01:18:18.440 It's a late.

01:18:19.940 Wow.

01:18:21.880 And you don't want to say it, dude.

01:18:23.700 You can say it in your car, but.

01:18:25.700 No, man.

01:18:26.540 But yeah.

01:18:26.840 And you don't want to say it.

01:18:27.660 And it's like.

01:18:28.260 But yeah.

01:18:28.640 It's like very scary.

01:18:29.620 Like when they do.

01:18:30.340 Like we did good morning football or whatever.

01:18:34.060 Yeah.

01:18:34.360 And it was for the SEC championship.

01:18:36.440 And it was live.

01:18:37.860 And I was like.

01:18:39.600 I would never let me do live TV.

01:18:41.440 Like, I just don't even know what's going to go.

01:18:42.980 You know, I just don't always know how I'm going to be.

01:18:44.900 If something gets me sometimes.

01:18:46.140 It's so scary.

01:18:46.900 How did it go?

01:18:47.900 I'm guessing it was great.

01:18:48.980 It went okay.

01:18:49.560 You look great.

01:18:49.960 Oh my God.

01:18:50.460 That's so scary.

01:18:52.300 Is that Pat McAfee?

01:18:53.280 Yeah.

01:18:53.720 Oh yeah.

01:18:53.980 I love him.

01:18:54.560 He crushed it.

01:18:55.540 He's so great.

01:18:56.460 It was.

01:18:56.880 It was really fun.

01:18:57.800 But it was just.

01:18:58.460 I never realized what it's like being live.

01:19:00.220 And they're like.

01:19:00.520 Oh my God.

01:19:01.840 Yes.

01:19:02.040 And you're like.

01:19:02.720 What?

01:19:03.440 Yeah.

01:19:03.760 But you've done like morning TV in like local markets.

01:19:06.240 That's the closest we get to doing something like this.

01:19:08.320 Yeah.

01:19:08.380 Because that's live.

01:19:08.960 But it's like low stakes.

01:19:10.060 I mean this is pretty live.

01:19:10.520 I mean you can take some stuff out.

01:19:11.920 But.

01:19:12.120 Yeah.

01:19:12.340 This feels live.

01:19:13.120 And like even that last thing.

01:19:14.740 I'm like.

01:19:18.980 It's a callback if you're joining the show late.

01:19:20.960 And missed it.

01:19:21.800 Also if you start listening to a podcast in the middle at like 47 minutes.

01:19:24.900 But what if they're not listening in the beginning.

01:19:26.100 Because they get like a package delivered or something.

01:19:27.900 And they miss that whole bit.

01:19:29.120 And then they keep listening.

01:19:30.520 And that's the only thing.

01:19:32.360 Well.

01:19:32.920 If you don't know about slavery in America dude.

01:19:35.020 Then.

01:19:35.740 That's your loss.

01:19:36.660 If.

01:19:37.340 Slavery even happened.

01:19:41.060 Jesus Christ.

01:19:42.380 I'm just saying.

01:19:42.800 They never found the boats.

01:19:46.460 Bring up.

01:19:46.980 See what they.

01:19:47.520 Bring up some of the boats.

01:19:48.440 Bring up the marines.

01:19:48.980 The marina.

01:19:50.400 The marina.

01:19:51.620 Bring up the marina in Charleston.

01:19:53.580 Oh my god.

01:19:54.900 This is not funny.

01:19:56.240 Marina.

01:19:56.940 He's looking for it.

01:20:01.340 Where did the Amistad dock.

01:20:03.140 Is what you want to know.

01:20:04.160 Oh I love that movie.

01:20:05.300 I haven't seen it.

01:20:06.200 It's so good man.

01:20:07.180 Did you want Honsu.

01:20:08.640 He's so good.

01:20:09.220 Give us free.

01:20:10.660 He's good in it.

01:20:11.980 They should do.

01:20:13.600 They should remake that.

01:20:14.760 And be like where are they now.

01:20:16.120 You know.

01:20:16.420 Right.

01:20:16.620 Tony Hinchcliffe.

01:20:20.140 So good.

01:20:21.340 Let's talk about that for a second.

01:20:22.820 Dude.

01:20:23.260 He was so good.

01:20:26.040 Well.

01:20:27.080 There's.

01:20:27.500 First of all.

01:20:28.400 There's nobody.

01:20:29.360 And I say this out of sheer admiration.

01:20:30.960 I talk about his show all the time.

01:20:32.440 Yeah.

01:20:32.560 Kill Tony gets a hundred thousand people watching it live.

01:20:36.340 Wow.

01:20:37.540 All YouTube at the same time.

01:20:39.060 I get it.

01:20:39.580 It's so good.

01:20:40.780 He was.

01:20:41.420 He was a rock star that night.

01:20:42.460 I remember.

01:20:42.960 I just.

01:20:43.560 I was like front row for it.

01:20:45.260 And he's walking by me.

01:20:46.360 Roasting.

01:20:46.820 And just like.

01:20:47.600 His.

01:20:47.960 The steadiness of his pace.

01:20:50.020 Plus just looking.

01:20:50.920 Like.

01:20:51.340 Just going nice shoes.

01:20:52.340 Tom.

01:20:52.560 Did you get those in the divorce?

01:20:53.600 Like just.

01:20:54.060 Boom.

01:20:54.320 But like.

01:20:54.780 Just so smooth.

01:20:55.840 So confident.

01:20:56.760 Who is this guy?

01:20:58.020 Perfect way to get into it too.

01:20:59.480 Because.

01:21:00.060 It starts out in the crowd.

01:21:01.040 And you're just like.

01:21:01.460 Who's this guy doing a crowd bit?

01:21:02.940 That's like not the same as what we're doing up here.

01:21:05.560 Dana White does this thing. 1.00

01:21:06.740 Tony's like sitting there.

01:21:07.780 And.

01:21:08.640 And then.

01:21:09.560 You know.

01:21:10.120 People know who he is.

01:21:10.980 Obviously.

01:21:11.540 But at that event.

01:21:12.960 Maybe not as much.

01:21:14.240 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:14.600 But he owned that fucking room. 1.00

01:21:16.080 He owned it. 1.00

01:21:16.160 And it just starts out slow.

01:21:17.780 You know.

01:21:17.980 It's like good joke here.

01:21:18.880 Oh this guy knows how to write a joke. 0.99

01:21:20.300 Oh that one was fucking good too. 0.97

01:21:22.000 And then the crescendo of like. 0.98

01:21:24.120 As soon as he gets to the comedians.

01:21:25.480 And starts going down the line at us.

01:21:27.680 I really felt like I was watching a rock star.

01:21:29.680 Like it felt like.

01:21:30.760 A musical performance to me.

01:21:32.380 I told him that.

01:21:33.000 I'm like.

01:21:33.280 It was rock star.

01:21:34.440 Levels of good.

01:21:35.360 Like just.

01:21:35.920 That's so cool.

01:21:36.320 Walking while roasting.

01:21:37.420 And he told me like he almost.

01:21:38.800 When he was delivering the last one about the.

01:21:41.300 I forget he.

01:21:41.960 Rodney King.

01:21:42.780 Yes.

01:21:43.140 The King one.

01:21:43.720 And that was just.

01:21:45.100 A perfect.

01:21:46.240 Lyrically perfect joke.

01:21:47.440 Um.

01:21:48.140 He said he almost fell off the stage.

01:21:49.600 Wow.

01:21:49.760 He felt his shoe like.

01:21:50.640 Like he had one of those moments of.

01:21:51.840 What if I would have fallen during that.

01:21:53.400 Like it would have ruined.

01:21:54.260 I mean that would have been the worst.

01:21:55.860 Thing ever.

01:21:56.400 But that almost happened.

01:21:57.640 Like.

01:21:58.140 Um.

01:21:58.560 But he.

01:21:59.260 He.

01:21:59.520 Yeah he crushes it. 1.00

01:22:00.020 Fucking killed. 0.99

01:22:00.720 I was. 1.00

01:22:01.000 He's.

01:22:02.100 He.

01:22:02.480 Yeah I saw him the other night.

01:22:03.460 And we both know what.

01:22:04.760 We're each other going through this week.

01:22:06.160 Of like people knew of us before.

01:22:08.160 On a big level.

01:22:09.120 That I would have never expected before my career.

01:22:10.900 But it's like next level now.

01:22:12.200 And we're both like.

01:22:13.460 You're feeling this too.

01:22:14.520 Like it's a big deal.

01:22:15.260 Yeah it's really cool.

01:22:17.040 So this is.

01:22:17.800 Do you feel like this is kind of like a new.

01:22:20.060 Yes.

01:22:20.340 Level in your career.

01:22:21.540 Yes.

01:22:21.900 Let's go dude.

01:22:23.040 Dude it's.

01:22:23.740 I.

01:22:24.040 I'm not being modest about it.

01:22:25.320 Because it's just undeniable.

01:22:26.280 Like.

01:22:26.880 I don't.

01:22:27.800 I don't get recognized.

01:22:29.080 This much.

01:22:29.780 I don't like have people.

01:22:31.380 I've got.

01:22:32.180 I don't have people saying.

01:22:33.300 I heard someone talking about you.

01:22:35.380 And they don't even know I know you.

01:22:36.460 Like.

01:22:36.740 That's happened.

01:22:37.840 A hundred times.

01:22:39.220 Like every.

01:22:39.720 This is a cultural event.

01:22:41.060 Like I didn't know it was gonna.

01:22:42.020 It's it's it's really bigger than anything I could ever have done in my career.

01:22:46.800 It will never be a bigger moment in my career than this.

01:22:49.020 Even if I become way bigger.

01:22:50.880 Nothing this like.

01:22:52.060 Like.

01:22:52.780 Big.

01:22:53.380 You look a little bit like Kylie Minogue.

01:22:55.740 People tell you that?

01:22:56.440 No.

01:22:56.780 That's.

01:22:57.180 Thank you.

01:22:58.320 What's that.

01:22:59.040 What.

01:23:00.220 What's the song she sang?

01:23:01.660 A lot of down syndrome people listen to her.

01:23:03.560 Oh your boy is all I think about.

01:23:05.920 I just can't get you out of my head.

01:23:09.620 Yeah.

01:23:10.200 Thank you.

01:23:11.540 Yeah.

01:23:12.060 Oh yeah I see it.

01:23:13.040 Very pretty.

01:23:13.800 Thank you.

01:23:15.280 Yeah.

01:23:15.820 I.

01:23:16.500 There's just.

01:23:17.200 There was something about this.

01:23:18.100 And I think also.

01:23:19.180 Just that.

01:23:19.600 It's the Tom Brady effect too.

01:23:21.180 I think.

01:23:21.940 Tom Brady was always kept so from the public in a lot of ways.

01:23:25.280 Yes.

01:23:25.420 Like.

01:23:25.980 He was around.

01:23:26.840 But he was always a. 0.89

01:23:29.580 You know.

01:23:30.140 He was always seemed like a safe guy.

01:23:32.200 You know.

01:23:32.540 Yeah.

01:23:33.140 A family man.

01:23:34.580 You know.

01:23:34.960 Who tried probably as hard as he could to keep it together.

01:23:37.500 Tried to keep things on his own terms.

01:23:39.880 Yeah.

01:23:40.340 And even then.

01:23:40.940 And this just blew it open.

01:23:42.680 Yeah.

01:23:43.580 And this just blew it open.

01:23:44.440 I'm curious to see what it'll be like now.

01:23:47.440 Yeah.

01:23:47.720 After the show.

01:23:48.880 What's it like when it ends.

01:23:50.300 Are there like.

01:23:51.640 Like.

01:23:51.960 I cannot go look him in the face right now.

01:23:53.740 Are there some people I can't see.

01:23:54.940 Yeah.

01:23:55.140 I was like.

01:23:55.420 I don't need to say anything to him.

01:23:56.780 Like.

01:23:56.920 He doesn't need to hear from me again.

01:23:58.240 Like.

01:23:58.540 Everyone's going to run up to him.

01:23:59.560 Like.

01:23:59.800 We already.

01:24:00.280 I already hugged him afterwards.

01:24:01.240 He was very nice.

01:24:02.160 Like.

01:24:02.300 I don't need to bug him.

01:24:03.640 Thank.

01:24:03.940 You know.

01:24:04.320 But.

01:24:04.480 If I run into him.

01:24:05.460 Great.

01:24:05.660 But I just went and found my parents.

01:24:07.060 They were there.

01:24:07.700 So I was just meandered off the stage.

01:24:09.640 And.

01:24:09.800 You didn't DM him or anything.

01:24:11.080 No.

01:24:11.540 I saw him on the way out.

01:24:12.840 I was walking back to my dressing room.

01:24:14.800 And he was leaving.

01:24:16.280 And I just said.

01:24:17.300 Tom.

01:24:17.840 Thank you so much.

01:24:18.540 Like.

01:24:18.720 Real quick.

01:24:19.300 Because I really don't want to bug him.

01:24:19.840 I wrote my number in blood.

01:24:22.120 At that point.

01:24:22.840 I like.

01:24:23.220 Knew.

01:24:23.800 We're not going to be friends.

01:24:24.720 Like.

01:24:24.980 There is a vibe that you can feel.

01:24:26.380 Like.

01:24:26.480 With Alec Baldwin at his roast.

01:24:27.760 I was like.

01:24:28.260 That's.

01:24:28.520 I became friends with him after that.

01:24:29.800 Like.

01:24:30.000 Or friendly.

01:24:30.920 He knows who I am.

01:24:31.820 He really.

01:24:32.640 He was endeared to me.

01:24:33.840 But Tom.

01:24:34.440 I could just tell.

01:24:35.060 Was like.

01:24:35.740 This is a one and done.

01:24:36.660 Like. 0.99

01:24:37.020 I wasn't trying to fuck him. 0.99

01:24:37.980 But like. 0.99

01:24:38.200 There's not going to be other.

01:24:39.700 He's not going to be like.

01:24:40.380 Oh.

01:24:40.740 You should come to my parties.

01:24:41.800 Or something.

01:24:42.420 Right.

01:24:43.480 So I said thank you.

01:24:44.440 And he said.

01:24:45.120 Thank you so much.

01:24:45.920 You did great.

01:24:46.640 Good luck with everything.

01:24:47.500 Which is kind of like.

01:24:49.000 You'll never talk to me again.

01:24:50.160 Well.

01:24:50.380 Yeah.

01:24:50.620 Have a nice life.

01:24:51.540 We never have to see each other.

01:24:52.460 Yeah.

01:24:52.680 And I understand it.

01:24:53.620 Like.

01:24:54.380 That's how I feel too.

01:24:55.440 Probably in his shoes.

01:24:57.760 But yeah.

01:25:00.500 Was there a big party after?

01:25:01.700 Yeah.

01:25:01.900 There was a party.

01:25:02.460 Was it fun?

01:25:02.840 At the Forum Club.

01:25:03.940 Yeah.

01:25:04.120 It was fun.

01:25:04.420 My parents were there.

01:25:05.220 So I was kind of like.

01:25:06.440 Hanging with them.

01:25:07.580 And it was just starting to feel like.

01:25:10.280 A little overwhelming of.

01:25:12.340 Something big just happened in my life.

01:25:14.040 And so it was starting to feel a little bit.

01:25:16.200 Anxiety about.

01:25:16.940 I was trying to process like.

01:25:18.320 Was that good?

01:25:19.640 Did I go too hard?

01:25:20.620 What did I.

01:25:21.400 What did it look like?

01:25:22.180 I don't know anything.

01:25:23.100 So it was.

01:25:23.620 I just kind of wanted to get out of there.

01:25:24.780 And I had to be on Howard Stern at.

01:25:26.320 At three in the morning.

01:25:27.340 I had to go.

01:25:28.080 Get up for hair and makeup.

01:25:29.220 So it was like.

01:25:29.660 Finished at 10.

01:25:31.740 It was a New Yorker.

01:25:32.440 Oh it was LA.

01:25:33.040 LA.

01:25:33.680 But I had to be up.

01:25:34.300 Stern tapes out here.

01:25:34.800 You had to fly over there.

01:25:35.580 I did a remote from here.

01:25:37.500 But I had to be up for hair and makeup at three in the morning.

01:25:39.100 I was like.

01:25:39.340 Can I just like stay in this?

01:25:40.500 But I had to do a new look.

01:25:42.000 Because that's the way it works.

01:25:42.960 But yeah.

01:25:43.840 So I was kind of like.

01:25:44.580 What's next?

01:25:45.160 And then I had Jimmy Kimmel the next day.

01:25:46.420 So you just go into like.

01:25:48.280 Now I have to like.

01:25:49.140 Keep doing this again. 0.97

01:25:50.300 And killing this hard. 0.99

01:25:51.700 And being this prepared. 0.96

01:25:52.460 Which is just impossible.

01:25:53.660 Because I don't have.

01:25:54.800 Because I think.

01:25:55.700 Well the bit.

01:25:56.460 You don't have to do.

01:25:59.660 You could burn yourself out.

01:26:00.640 It's unrealistic.

01:26:02.760 You know.

01:26:04.180 I'm just trying to think of how.

01:26:05.340 Everybody can kind of relate to that.

01:26:06.700 When something kind of goes.

01:26:08.340 Good.

01:26:08.760 Or it seems like you level up in some way.

01:26:10.840 Yeah.

01:26:11.340 How to manage that.

01:26:12.720 Or is there anything really to manage at all.

01:26:15.280 And part of that is just a mirage.

01:26:17.320 Well it's like getting a new car.

01:26:18.600 And you think it's going to stay new forever.

01:26:20.120 There's a delusion that you have of like.

01:26:21.700 I can just keep it this new forever.

01:26:23.400 It'll smell this way.

01:26:25.100 The leather will look this shiny.

01:26:27.300 And it just doesn't.

01:26:28.720 You can't.

01:26:29.980 Like you can with a lot of hard work.

01:26:31.440 But you just aren't going to do that.

01:26:32.560 Most people don't keep new cars looking good.

01:26:34.500 I think that's how I would relate it to.

01:26:36.320 People who don't maybe have that.

01:26:37.720 Like the way I feel about a new car.

01:26:39.560 I'm like.

01:26:40.120 Okay.

01:26:40.640 This is who I am now.

01:26:41.980 Right.

01:26:42.260 I'm this new car lady.

01:26:43.600 I'm a Mazda owner.

01:26:43.880 And like I feel so much better about myself.

01:26:45.360 Being in this new car.

01:26:46.500 Yeah.

01:26:46.740 I can maintain this.

01:26:47.700 And you just.

01:26:48.560 You can.

01:26:49.220 You definitely can.

01:26:50.140 You can keep a car looking new.

01:26:51.480 But two days later you're smoking menthols in it.

01:26:53.940 Yeah.

01:26:54.100 You're like I'll just have one cigarette.

01:26:55.320 And I won't ever do this regularly.

01:26:56.440 And I'll keep my hand way out when I smoke. 0.99

01:26:58.380 And then you're fucking eating it. 0.99

01:26:59.220 But then an ash goes. 1.00

01:27:00.180 Burns the seat.

01:27:01.080 And then it's game over.

01:27:02.580 You're eating M&M's in it.

01:27:03.500 You're yelling queers out the window of it.

01:27:05.340 Yeah.

01:27:05.600 I'm putting on makeup.

01:27:06.640 Bronzers going everywhere.

01:27:07.900 Yeah.

01:27:08.440 You're yelling queer out the window.

01:27:10.740 Well sorry.

01:27:12.060 Yeah.

01:27:12.340 But you're in Clifton, New Jersey.

01:27:13.800 Yeah.

01:27:14.640 It's not like you're just anywhere.

01:27:16.060 Yeah.

01:27:16.620 Yeah.

01:27:17.080 And that is what queer people like to be called queer.

01:27:20.080 That they are queer. 1.00

01:27:21.240 I mean.

01:27:22.020 It's a term they embrace.

01:27:22.980 Yeah.

01:27:23.600 Beautiful queers a lot of times. 1.00

01:27:25.160 Yeah.

01:27:25.560 You yell.

01:27:26.140 Yeah.

01:27:26.400 I don't know that even though they embrace the term they don't want it shouted.

01:27:29.720 But maybe.

01:27:32.860 Nah.

01:27:33.160 You got to get out more.

01:27:34.300 Yeah.

01:27:34.640 Yeah.

01:27:34.840 Who was missing on the dais up there?

01:27:40.540 Who was missing on the roast?

01:27:41.580 Were there any roasters?

01:27:42.520 Like who's your Mount Roast more?

01:27:45.720 Geraldo.

01:27:47.080 You know.

01:27:47.600 Like obviously that feels like he's missing from there.

01:27:50.660 Someone who's just like speaking from like the heart and a very personal place.

01:27:56.460 And I try to like you know I watched a lot of Geraldo to prepare for this.

01:27:59.860 Like what is my actual take on these people?

01:28:01.620 I think we always remember Geraldo at the roast some like it was like Larry the Cable

01:28:06.120 guy and he just at one point just breaks and he's like why are you so famous?

01:28:10.460 Like he just can't take it.

01:28:11.600 It's not even it seems like it's not part of the set.

01:28:13.080 I don't think it was.

01:28:14.000 And that is like a moment that I really liked and was like okay I'd like to recreate that.

01:28:19.060 Like how do I actually feel about this person?

01:28:20.480 What's my personal frustration with them?

01:28:22.440 Yeah.

01:28:23.140 I'm trying to think who else you miss.

01:28:24.860 Like a Lisa Lampanelli who's more of like a just boom boom boom and like can say some really 1.00

01:28:30.400 sick, twisted, racist, sexist, homophobic shit and get away with it. 1.00

01:28:35.640 Like just a sharpshooter like that. 1.00

01:28:36.760 I can't believe she wasn't there.

01:28:37.720 She quit comedy.

01:28:38.860 Oh she quit? 0.99

01:28:39.440 She doesn't do stand-up anymore.

01:28:41.000 She was like it's too mean.

01:28:42.400 It's not who I am anymore.

01:28:43.360 And she was like the queen of mean. 1.00

01:28:44.680 That was literally her moniker.

01:28:46.260 And like going to a Lisa Lampanelli show early in my career there was no one better.

01:28:50.660 Yeah she called me out one time in the audience.

01:28:53.360 Yeah I wasn't even a comedian yet.

01:28:54.960 And she made fun of me. 0.98

01:28:55.760 I was just sitting in like the back corner.

01:28:57.280 So you've seen.

01:28:58.040 You've witnessed it.

01:28:58.680 She was amazing.

01:29:00.040 And she was just like no I don't want to do this anymore.

01:29:01.480 She does like self-help stuff. 0.98

01:29:02.660 She still like performs. 1.00

01:29:04.200 Well she lost all that weight. 0.99

01:29:05.220 I wonder if that changed some of her mindset in her life.

01:29:07.680 Probably.

01:29:08.460 Yeah she quit insult comedy. 0.99

01:29:10.540 And now she just does like weight loss seminars and stuff. 0.99

01:29:14.580 Oh good for her. 0.99

01:29:15.080 So she just wants to help people. 0.96

01:29:16.380 Wow.

01:29:16.640 Which is something I could see either both you and me getting into like of just like empowering people.

01:29:22.120 You know you watch these TED Talks and these TikToks of people just like telling people like how to live a better life.

01:29:27.920 And I'm like oh I could see myself veering into that.

01:29:31.080 Being a life coach or something like that.

01:29:32.260 Yeah being inspirational.

01:29:32.960 Maybe not a life coach.

01:29:34.040 But yeah like just teaching people how to like themselves more.

01:29:36.540 Not necessarily being good at it myself.

01:29:38.180 But seeing how other people could.

01:29:39.880 And seeing just knowing the tools to get there.

01:29:42.660 Not that I'm necessarily picking up those tools.

01:29:45.040 Right.

01:29:45.120 But sometimes people can see things easily in somebody else even if they can't see it in themselves or adjust that for themselves.

01:29:51.720 It doesn't mean that they're not still a good like you could be a good painter but you may not know your own colors or whatever.

01:29:58.400 Well you know I used to as a kid I remember watching gymnastics coaches like yell at the gym.

01:30:03.260 These little girls like you're doing it's wrong. 1.00

01:30:05.160 Carrie Strong.

01:30:05.800 Yeah like Bella Caroli. 1.00

01:30:06.760 And I'd be like you get up on that fucking beam you asshole. 1.00

01:30:09.520 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:09.740 He can't do any of that shit but he's good at coaching. 0.99

01:30:12.340 So it's just like that's the kind of thing. 0.99

01:30:14.440 And I don't even feel like my therapist needs I don't need my therapist to have like a great full perfect life that I want. 0.99

01:30:20.740 I feel like they can they're usually so fucked up. 0.98

01:30:22.840 Yeah I don't need my therapist to have a round off back handspring either. 0.99

01:30:26.100 Yeah they don't need you.

01:30:27.680 Exactly.

01:30:28.380 Yeah.

01:30:28.580 I don't need I don't need them to be perfect.

01:30:30.680 I think you can dish it out without really doing it yourself.

01:30:32.740 It's hard.

01:30:34.000 Yeah.

01:30:34.200 Well being alive is tricky dude.

01:30:36.980 Some people have wieners. 0.99

01:30:38.180 Some people have vaginas. 1.00

01:30:40.140 Yeah. 0.99

01:30:40.560 Some people have both.

01:30:42.060 Some people have both now.

01:30:43.240 Imagine that.

01:30:44.380 I don't think now.

01:30:45.340 I don't think it's just getting built on.

01:30:47.080 That's an interesting thing.

01:30:48.120 I haven't heard about gender reassignment where they want to become a hermaphrodite. 0.92

01:30:51.520 Where they're like I want both. 1.00

01:30:52.460 Don't get rid of my vagina. 1.00

01:30:53.700 Let's just add on a dick next to it. 1.00

01:30:55.340 Well how many people are born are more people born. 1.00

01:30:59.420 Can you be born trans?

01:31:00.860 Yes.

01:31:01.320 Yeah.

01:31:01.680 You're born with both genitalia.

01:31:03.260 No no no no. 0.95

01:31:04.060 Trans don't have both genitalia. 1.00

01:31:05.880 People post op trans have what they wanted. 0.84

01:31:09.720 They got rid of the last one. 1.00

01:31:11.120 The penis is turned into a vagina. 1.00

01:31:12.480 Vagina is turned into a penis. 1.00

01:31:13.720 But you're born trans. 1.00

01:31:15.780 And then you can be I don't know the exact terminology but yeah.

01:31:20.040 Yeah intersex are born with both sex characteristics.

01:31:22.320 1.7% of the population are born with intersex traits.

01:31:26.140 But not genitalia.

01:31:27.840 Jesus.

01:31:28.780 Yeah that checks out.

01:31:30.680 So what does that mean?

01:31:32.320 People are born with both?

01:31:33.500 People are born with both.

01:31:34.520 1.7%?

01:31:35.340 No they're not.

01:31:35.920 They said traits. 0.98

01:31:36.820 That means like maybe like more like titties. 0.99

01:31:40.100 Right. 0.99

01:31:40.600 Okay bigger breasts maybe. 1.00

01:31:41.980 Or like big hips or something.

01:31:43.700 Yeah longer lashes.

01:31:44.860 Oh dang.

01:31:46.020 Oh they look so good on men.

01:31:47.780 Long lashes.

01:31:48.500 Martin you have long lashes Martin.

01:31:49.880 Yeah yeah yeah.

01:31:50.600 Yeah so. 0.99

01:31:51.480 What about when women learn to masturbate? 1.00

01:31:59.280 When does that kind of happen for women? 1.00

01:32:00.940 Because guys talk about it a lot like you know I'm in these meetings and people are always

01:32:05.720 talking about it and I'm like when do women learn about it? 0.99

01:32:09.540 I was so mad at my friends because all of my friends in high school were doing it.

01:32:13.460 Some in middle school.

01:32:14.260 Didn't tell you?

01:32:14.760 Some even earlier.

01:32:15.400 We didn't talk about it.

01:32:16.120 We talked about everything.

01:32:17.200 They didn't tell me about it so I didn't know about it.

01:32:19.080 What were you doing?

01:32:19.820 Just reading or whatever?

01:32:20.620 I didn't even do that.

01:32:22.180 I would never.

01:32:23.120 I was not.

01:32:24.200 I was definitely horny in high school.

01:32:25.920 Yeah.

01:32:26.080 It started late for me but it was it happened and I didn't know what to do with it.

01:32:30.060 I would like you know if I had an itch down there I'd itch it and it'd be like oh that

01:32:33.320 kind of feels good but it would I would never follow through and it wasn't because I was

01:32:36.140 like I'm God's watching.

01:32:37.720 I just didn't know what to do.

01:32:39.640 I would never have. 0.93

01:32:40.340 I know like penises go in you at some point but I would never think to put something in 0.99

01:32:43.480 me. 0.99

01:32:43.600 I was not sexually driven in that way but all my friends figured out on their own.

01:32:47.660 We were all doing they were all doing it individually not talking about it with each

01:32:50.820 other and not talking about with me either.

01:32:52.940 I would have 100% done it.

01:32:54.760 But once I found out it was a thing I started doing it.

01:32:57.140 Yeah.

01:32:57.400 Once it became I was an adult but that was the only way I had to have information first. 0.98

01:33:01.500 Does it add wear and tear I feel like to the vagina over the long term? 1.00

01:33:04.900 Just keep in mind the way I do it does. 0.98

01:33:06.880 Really?

01:33:07.700 Just not wear and tear but like you know people this is not good.

01:33:13.640 People always think all I do is talk about sex but I just I feel comfortable talking about

01:33:17.220 it openly and I think it is interesting.

01:33:19.320 I use like the Hitachi wand.

01:33:21.780 Oh my God.

01:33:22.460 Is that a real like it's like a DeWalt or whatever?

01:33:24.580 You can look it up.

01:33:25.340 Hitachi wand.

01:33:26.260 You've seen it before.

01:33:27.240 It's like the classic. 0.91

01:33:28.580 It's like in porn. 0.88

01:33:29.780 It's like it's like a back massager looking thing.

01:33:32.260 It's like looks like a big white mic.

01:33:34.000 Oh that thing could beat an egg huh?

01:33:35.800 That thing is.

01:33:36.560 Oh it's crazy.

01:33:37.600 It's crazy.

01:33:38.500 And so I put that in the front.

01:33:40.160 You know you don't put it in you.

01:33:41.340 You can I guess.

01:33:42.280 But that's I pretty much always use that and that because it's the vibrations like will

01:33:47.960 make things sometimes swell I guess.

01:33:50.020 So I can get kind of swollen down there if I go too hard.

01:33:53.620 But that's what I mean by beat up.

01:33:54.720 It's not like it's like leaves permanent damage or something.

01:33:57.260 But yeah you've seen those before right?

01:33:58.900 Yeah I've seen something like that.

01:34:00.780 I think also.

01:34:02.200 You should.

01:34:02.680 They're amazing.

01:34:03.180 Everyone should have one.

01:34:04.960 Waterpik makes that too don't they? 0.98

01:34:06.360 What's that company called?

01:34:07.220 Oh a waterpik would be too intense.

01:34:09.460 But I'm sure that that would work.

01:34:11.600 If I was on the road and didn't have anything and I was really horny I absolutely would probably

01:34:16.240 try a waterpik.

01:34:17.060 We need more of it in the community gals. 1.00

01:34:18.980 Get out there. 1.00

01:34:19.760 Just I would really recommend blowing people instead of having sex with them because you 1.00

01:34:23.940 can't get pregnant. 0.99

01:34:24.520 And like I know sometimes having sex as a woman you go that's that's less scary because 0.99

01:34:31.320 women are scared of being judged after sex like when you're young especially like a guy 1.00

01:34:35.920 is going to think I'm bad at sucking dick and so you avoid it. 1.00

01:34:38.900 That's what I did. 1.00

01:34:39.580 And so I would have sex before I gave a blowjob because I just wanted to do the thing that 1.00

01:34:42.680 I mean by dick you're talking about wiener. 1.00

01:34:44.380 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:44.700 Yeah.

01:34:45.220 Yeah.

01:34:45.620 And I thought that I would be judged and so I had so much more sex than I should have

01:34:49.840 because I was just avoiding doing this thing that I thought was high risk but really the

01:34:53.020 high risk was almost getting pregnant. 0.89

01:34:55.460 Yeah.

01:34:56.020 You should have been blowing people definitely.

01:34:57.820 Yeah.

01:34:57.840 Definitely.

01:34:58.020 If you could go back in time. 0.99

01:35:00.200 I would teach my daughter about blowjobs and say this is how you do it if you're interested 1.00

01:35:03.320 in boys. 0.99

01:35:03.900 Teacher?

01:35:04.520 Yeah.

01:35:05.040 If my daughter was starting to be sexually active when I just sensed like she's dressing 0.99

01:35:08.640 in a way that she's like boys are liking her and she's hanging out with boys I'd be

01:35:12.100 like listen.

01:35:12.640 Listen in a slip knot or whatever. 0.99

01:35:13.300 They're going to want to have sex with you but like if you want to get if you I don't 1.00

01:35:16.900 think you should but I would recommend a handjob. 0.99

01:35:19.460 Here's here do that and I'm not going to teach you how but like do your research handjobs are 0.98

01:35:24.020 where it's at.

01:35:24.640 That's what they want anyway.

01:35:25.680 In Native American cultures a lot of the older sibling will go out into the woods and teach 0.90

01:35:30.340 the younger sibling how to masturbate so there's not as much shame with it because then it's

01:35:34.880 like something you like you learn you're like oh this is yeah I do it like my brother did 0.87

01:35:39.560 it he did it like my grandfather did it like we've all.

01:35:41.940 That's crazy.

01:35:42.480 This is how we do it you know.

01:35:43.920 Yeah.

01:35:44.880 And it's so it's like you at least can have your own not style of it but it's like then 0.95

01:35:50.260 it's not something that's taboo because I remember yeah I remember jerking off or whatever 0.94

01:35:54.740 and then just being like oh my god dude I'm such a weirdo. 0.67

01:35:59.400 God hates me people think I'm everybody knows I remember thinking and even though nobody 0.97

01:36:05.160 knew I thought everybody knew that I've been jerking off because like the way I was like 0.98

01:36:08.680 moving or something. 0.98

01:36:09.760 Yes.

01:36:10.320 Yes. 0.99

01:36:10.640 And I'm like damn I'm walking like I've been jerking off you know and so I think I was 0.97

01:36:14.420 always paranoid and if people would be like hey what's going on and I'd be like you know 0.99

01:36:18.560 I've been jerking off. 0.93

01:36:19.220 Oh my god the shame that people carry with them for so long so much shame that just stays 0.99

01:36:25.140 with you even after you like kind of are like oh it's not that bad it's like you can't erase

01:36:29.080 it.

01:36:29.580 Speaking of that um what else did I just see in the news oh the Boy Scouts are changing

01:36:35.260 their name did you see that Nick?

01:36:37.920 To the Scouts or something?

01:36:39.240 There we go.

01:36:42.480 Boy Scouts of America changing name to more inclusive Scouting America after years of

01:36:47.060 woes. 0.85

01:36:48.600 So. 0.97

01:36:49.120 Are the years of woes about the gender thing or just that they were molesting boys nonstop 0.94

01:36:54.700 and they just want to get boys out of the title to make people not think about boys?

01:36:57.580 Is this like a woke thing of like boys or is this about molestation and wanting to get

01:37:03.360 away from that?

01:37:04.180 There's no doubt the Catholic Church will pick the name up immediately probably.

01:37:07.380 They should just call themselves the Boy Scouts of America.

01:37:15.120 The Catholic Roman Catholic Church changes its name.

01:37:18.760 The Boy Scouts of America announced that after 114 years that it will change its name and will

01:37:22.380 become Scouting America.

01:37:24.080 Great.

01:37:24.520 In an effort to emphasize inclusion.

01:37:26.280 Oh so it is about inclusion.

01:37:28.040 As it works to move past the turmoil of bankruptcy and a flood of sexual abuse.

01:37:31.840 Yeah so it's both.

01:37:32.920 I really think it's both.

01:37:33.900 Boy Scouts is just it's a it's a um.

01:37:37.380 Yeah they've just you yeah.

01:37:38.740 They're so associated with diddling boys that it's like let's get away from that name.

01:37:43.040 We're a punchline.

01:37:44.100 They are.

01:37:45.480 So Scouting America I like it.

01:37:47.260 I think it's a good move.

01:37:48.400 The crazy thing is nobody apparently can hang out with a bunch of boys without molesting

01:37:52.440 one of them.

01:37:52.940 Well it's just that people who are pedophiles find ways to hang out with boys.

01:37:58.060 So that's a job that a pedophile would get into.

01:38:00.180 Dude we had this guy Richard Langenstein right and he is um he's D.E.A.D. now but he had

01:38:08.220 an autographed Shaquille O'Neal shoe like a big shoe and he would always use that to

01:38:13.340 entice boys in and then um try and pervert them or get them to you know just be perverted 0.50

01:38:22.220 or whatever.

01:38:22.740 Wait who is this you had a guy.

01:38:24.100 What does that mean you had a guy.

01:38:25.440 Richard.

01:38:25.620 At first I thought you were like we had a guest on the show and so then.

01:38:27.960 No as a child in our town.

01:38:29.860 In our town yeah.

01:38:30.580 A school teacher and he was a.

01:38:31.960 Yeah they have an in.

01:38:32.680 Yeah.

01:38:33.220 It's not crazy.

01:38:33.720 Yeah like come look at this big sneaker you know and you'd be over there and then he would

01:38:37.140 Yeah.

01:38:37.680 order a couple of uh.

01:38:38.900 They have like video games.

01:38:40.900 Uh filet steaks or whatever.

01:38:42.960 Yeah. 0.99

01:38:43.220 Baked potatoes and shit. 0.99

01:38:44.720 Yeah. 1.00

01:38:45.120 They have their shifty ways.

01:38:46.220 People get molested.

01:38:47.260 Yeah.

01:38:47.600 They have to reel you in.

01:38:48.900 It's like the guy the classic one is just like a man in a van with candy but it's like

01:38:52.880 they find another way of like having kids stuff.

01:38:55.640 Arcade games.

01:38:57.640 Signed shoes. 1.00

01:38:58.480 Like any of that shit. 1.00

01:38:59.400 Like look out. 1.00

01:39:00.140 If a guy in your son's life has a lot of memorabilia that 14 you know 12 11 12 year

01:39:06.760 old boys enjoy it's not because he's he's just in touch with his you know boyhood sides.

01:39:12.080 That could be it.

01:39:12.980 But if he's interested in your son coming over to hang out that I would say 90 percent. 1.00

01:39:16.920 Chance that person's trying to fuck your son. 1.00

01:39:19.320 Yeah. 1.00

01:39:19.720 And parents would be like yeah go he's a nice guy.

01:39:21.580 He's this teacher.

01:39:22.540 Yeah.

01:39:22.900 You know.

01:39:23.180 And at first I'd go over there with my girlfriend you know.

01:39:25.280 And we would just be like nice good people over there.

01:39:27.740 And then he kept having my buddies come over and he would we would all get stoned with him.

01:39:32.000 He used to smoke a lot of dope.

01:39:33.160 Oh my god.

01:39:33.600 And then he would like.

01:39:34.500 The massages.

01:39:35.420 Oh he would say things that was real perverted you know. 0.61

01:39:38.160 Testing.

01:39:38.940 It's like they just have they they have they all follow the same playbook.

01:39:43.680 It's pretty like evident when you start paying attention and know about it.

01:39:46.760 And my buddy put lotion on his back one time because he had like um what's it called when

01:39:51.020 your skin kind of comes off a little.

01:39:52.440 Psoriasis.

01:39:52.800 Yeah.

01:39:53.300 Psoriasis.

01:39:53.840 Eczema. 0.98

01:39:54.340 Yeah.

01:39:54.580 Yeah.

01:39:55.180 Yeah.

01:39:55.620 That's I mean.

01:39:56.580 And my buddy Nathan puts put put put lotion on his back. 0.99

01:39:59.900 And he was short too so we had to like even reach up to do it which was fucking gay as 1.00

01:40:04.380 hell. 1.00

01:40:04.860 Oh god.

01:40:05.340 And um.

01:40:06.120 Poor Nathan.

01:40:06.640 But one time we were in the kitchen.

01:40:08.520 I've told this story before and my buddy Scott was in the uh living room and uh big

01:40:13.760 Richard had ordered us a couple uh filet steaks.

01:40:17.060 Of course.

01:40:17.800 And we'd never even had steaks dude. 0.98

01:40:20.420 So we were fucking losing our minds dude. 0.96

01:40:23.460 The parsley was in there. 1.00

01:40:24.720 We're like what the fuck. 0.99

01:40:26.360 You know. 0.99

01:40:26.580 And um and my buddy Scott I was like uh he goes hey can you get me some sour cream.

01:40:33.060 He just yelled from the living room and I was in the kitchen.

01:40:34.940 Ugh.

01:40:35.920 And I said no but you can have some of this sweet cream. 0.99

01:40:38.360 I was just joking about semen. 0.99

01:40:40.200 Yeah. 0.92

01:40:40.940 I bet Richard liked that.

01:40:42.340 And then you heard Richard go can I have some.

01:40:46.320 In all of our heads you could feel like a like a like a secondhand tit to the next in

01:40:52.600 all of our heads and we're like we somebody's getting molested dude.

01:40:56.980 Not it.

01:40:57.420 None of us are getting out of here.

01:40:59.060 Not it.

01:40:59.980 Yeah not it.

01:41:01.760 We'll finish the steak first but I'm out.

01:41:04.820 It just breaks my heart that that's the kind of thing.

01:41:07.140 That happens.

01:41:07.880 It's happening right now.

01:41:08.920 Somewhere.

01:41:09.580 Hundreds thousands of places is that kind of like grooming as they say. 0.60

01:41:14.680 Which is just it's disgusting.

01:41:16.420 But that's why you got to talk about it so people that have kids can be on alert for

01:41:19.760 the stuff because you're not a bad parent if you miss it. 0.99

01:41:22.400 Like I think some because these guys are so fucking sneaky.

01:41:23.960 Right but if you don't talk about it with your kid yeah. 0.95

01:41:25.360 You have to talk if I had kids I would tell if anyone ever the big thing I think parents

01:41:30.860 need to know from what I've learned about pedophiles and how they operate is that they

01:41:33.940 do what they do and then they tell the kid if you tell anyone your parents will hate you 0.99

01:41:37.960 forever and they'll or I'll kill your parents like you'll lose your parents in some way 0.97

01:41:42.800 and they believe them because they've already had the secret thing that's going on with 1.00

01:41:46.740 this guy.

01:41:47.400 Yeah. 1.00

01:41:47.600 You just need to tell your kids if anyone ever says they can kill mommy or kill daddy 0.89

01:41:52.240 or that we won't love you just know they're lying.

01:41:54.600 Like cement that in your kid's head that no matter who it is no one can kill mommy and 0.78

01:41:58.500 maybe that's a bad thing to tell them.

01:41:59.940 Right but no it's not.

01:42:00.540 You got to put that kind of stuff because yeah.

01:42:02.600 That's what they use.

01:42:03.440 We didn't know anything.

01:42:03.980 That was the problem.

01:42:04.100 That's what they use against the kids and that will keep a kid from telling even the most

01:42:07.500 a parent that says tell mommy if someone touches you in your bathing suit area that's not enough. 1.00

01:42:12.200 You need to say if someone tells you that I will not love you or that I will some they

01:42:16.340 will kill me if you tell me it's not true.

01:42:18.040 Right. 0.60

01:42:18.680 That's what you got to do I think.

01:42:19.900 Yeah no I think you got to you got to people have to communicate to the parents to their

01:42:23.220 to their children about everything like yeah like if your kids aren't getting along if

01:42:26.760 they don't love each other like you got to teach them how to love each other like there's

01:42:29.740 so many things I think some parents maybe just think the kids know automatically.

01:42:34.140 Yeah.

01:42:34.540 That it's just maybe because they didn't weren't instructed you know.

01:42:37.720 But it's like I think there there can be more instruction out there and I don't have

01:42:41.220 any children so I'm not judging.

01:42:42.480 I'm just saying.

01:42:43.040 But you want to be a dad right.

01:42:44.020 Yeah.

01:42:44.480 I would like to be a dad you know.

01:42:46.320 Oh my God you'd be so great.

01:42:47.620 Your kid would be so lucky. 0.96

01:42:48.780 But my freaking wife is going to be there and that's going to be the tough part. 1.00

01:42:51.740 That's the bummer. 0.96

01:42:53.840 She'll be she'll be good too.

01:42:55.000 You'll pick someone good.

01:42:55.820 She'll be good.

01:42:56.480 Yeah.

01:42:56.620 She'll be great.

01:42:57.400 You're not going to fuck that up.

01:42:58.620 And if she isn't I don't know what happened to her officer.

01:43:05.240 I'm joking.

01:43:05.980 That's my future wife might be hearing this.

01:43:08.100 I'm looking forward to loving you.

01:43:09.700 She definitely is.

01:43:10.280 I don't know you yet but I'm looking forward to loving you or maybe I do know you.

01:43:13.360 Oh that's so sweet.

01:43:14.240 That's so sweet. 1.00

01:43:15.560 That kind of shit like really gets me when it's like of like you talk to your future 0.99

01:43:20.300 whatever or I think that's so cute because she will see this. 1.00

01:43:24.160 Yeah.

01:43:24.820 She might. 0.63

01:43:25.400 Yeah.

01:43:25.800 Well even after you're married she'll find someone will send her this clip or something. 1.00

01:43:29.340 Oh yeah that's sweet.

01:43:30.660 Yeah.

01:43:31.160 It's nice.

01:43:31.860 Yeah babe.

01:43:33.260 Yeah.

01:43:34.020 Manifest it.

01:43:35.080 Yeah.

01:43:35.820 Hey.

01:43:37.620 We're just watching the game and that's all we're doing.

01:43:41.060 We're not up to no good you know.

01:43:43.600 Back off the coke.

01:43:45.960 Just saying things to my future wife.

01:43:51.840 What else is going on?

01:43:52.900 Anything else in the news?

01:43:54.980 Did you see that Peter Griffin that they found on TikTok?

01:43:57.860 You see that guy?

01:43:58.620 No.

01:43:59.760 I'm not on TikTok are you?

01:44:01.180 Real life Peter Griffin.

01:44:02.840 Oh wow.

01:44:03.580 Yeah.

01:44:03.980 Did you ever believe that you would be a big success?

01:44:08.100 Honestly I just dressed like Peter Griffin at Comic Con like 11 years ago with my friends

01:44:12.840 and decided to have fun and then it turned into this whole career thing.

01:44:17.080 He talks his head like that.

01:44:17.700 The shout out of Family Guy.

01:44:18.800 I didn't believe people at first.

01:44:20.160 I was like they did not shout me out on Family Guy and then people were sending me the clips 0.94

01:44:24.100 I'm like holy shit they really did? 0.52

01:44:25.860 So it's been quite a trip. 0.98

01:44:28.420 I enjoy it tremendously.

01:44:30.400 I like making people laugh and making them happy and empath that kind of stuff.

01:44:34.520 So 11 years in it.

01:44:35.960 I love him.

01:44:37.000 He sounds exactly like him.

01:44:38.340 Yeah he does.

01:44:38.940 That's amazing.

01:44:39.980 My buddy Danny looks like the wife. 0.99

01:44:43.220 What's her name?

01:44:44.800 Lois.

01:44:45.760 Lois.

01:44:46.600 Lois Griffin.

01:44:48.560 Yeah my buddy Danny.

01:44:49.420 Wait your buddy Danny looks like her?

01:44:52.100 Yeah.

01:44:52.300 And I'll put a side by side if Danny allows.

01:44:54.240 I'm going to have to ask him after we tape and ask him to see if I can put it in.

01:44:57.720 Yeah.

01:44:58.240 He took us fishing once in Illinois up there in Stark County, Illinois.

01:45:01.900 They got a beautiful male Lois Griffin lookalike. 0.82

01:45:07.240 This is insane.

01:45:08.240 That guy.

01:45:08.660 Yeah.

01:45:09.080 He does a good job.

01:45:10.440 Yeah.

01:45:10.900 What about you have your new special is out.

01:45:14.940 Yeah.

01:45:15.480 HBO.

01:45:16.380 Someday You'll Die is the name of it.

01:45:17.820 What a great time for all the extra hype then right?

01:45:20.340 Dude.

01:45:20.640 It all just timed out perfectly.

01:45:22.260 What are the freaking odds of that?

01:45:24.220 I just am really lucky. 0.76

01:45:25.700 Sometimes you just go man I lucked out.

01:45:27.320 There's been a lot of times I'm not lucky in this business and it could have kept going

01:45:30.480 like that but it was yeah it just was great.

01:45:32.720 So it's a little bit of pressure of being like well my stand up is not roast.

01:45:38.080 Right.

01:45:38.280 Like that's tight like refined and my stand up's a little bit more it's different and so I'm

01:45:43.860 like I hope people don't expect that but I love it and it's beautiful.

01:45:47.820 It's beautiful looking and I worked really hard on it and I wrote a song.

01:45:51.140 I wrote my first song.

01:45:52.180 I have a single out right now.

01:45:54.080 Dude I know.

01:45:55.240 And here's the thing is like I would never bring it up if I thought at all it wasn't

01:45:58.880 good but I'm it's like one of the things I'm most proud of in my whole life I've ever

01:46:01.880 done.

01:46:02.080 I wrote my first song and it's like I'm not kidding you it's a hit.

01:46:04.740 Really?

01:46:05.260 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:05.520 I like my voice like I'm going to get better at singing but my songwriting is fucking 0.78

01:46:09.040 I feel really proud of it.

01:46:10.620 It's like a pop song that I like.

01:46:12.400 Can we listen to it?

01:46:13.080 Yeah.

01:46:14.180 Honestly I would love for you to.

01:46:15.820 I would and I would never in a million years watch a stand up clip with you of mine ever.

01:46:19.920 Do you know what I mean?

01:46:20.540 Oh totally.

01:46:20.820 With this I'm like yeah play it.

01:46:22.200 Hit it.

01:46:23.240 Well the first I want to yeah last night I went to my buddy Walker Bueller's house and

01:46:26.860 he's a pitcher.

01:46:27.540 He was on he was a previous guest on here.

01:46:29.920 He's a Dodgers pitcher and his wife Mackenzie they just had a new baby.

01:46:35.640 Bring up that baby. 1.00

01:46:36.500 This baby is so cute if you can find a pitcher.

01:46:37.960 But I was over there and she was saying that they saw you on the roast and then that she

01:46:42.060 went and watched your special and really enjoyed it.

01:46:43.760 Oh really?

01:46:44.420 Oh nice.

01:46:45.440 Just so you're getting like some immediate feedback.

01:46:47.060 Thank you.

01:46:47.500 No that feels so good.

01:46:48.320 Oh she's so cute. 0.93

01:46:49.400 Oh congrats to them.

01:46:50.520 Oh yeah dude it was cool.

01:46:52.160 Oh that's they're so happy.

01:46:53.660 They were.

01:46:54.020 That's so exciting.

01:46:54.760 They really were.

01:46:55.600 She's perfect.

01:46:56.500 It was cool to see.

01:46:57.700 Yes she's even cuter now.

01:46:59.740 She looks a little bit like George Costanza right there.

01:47:02.540 No shade.

01:47:03.580 He's beautiful.

01:47:04.540 He's amazing.

01:47:05.160 Yeah but she's a little older now but anyway that was one of the highlights of my week

01:47:10.620 was getting to go see their kiddo but they mentioned that they saw you were special.

01:47:14.820 Oh that's nice.

01:47:15.080 Okay good.

01:47:15.640 No it's I love it.

01:47:17.440 It's just you know you just like all eyes on you.

01:47:20.480 You just are like I got to keep this up.

01:47:22.200 Right.

01:47:22.420 People are saying I'm fantastic.

01:47:23.420 If I even drop the ball a little bit people will be like no she's actually not and then 0.66

01:47:27.140 I'm scared it's going to go away but I'm not embracing it too.

01:47:29.760 I'm like not letting it in that much because I'm scared it's going to go away.

01:47:32.620 You ever do that?

01:47:33.220 Yeah well I think there's like if things are going good there's a level of also just being

01:47:37.680 in a place where it's like okay I don't have to slam I don't have things are already

01:47:42.160 I'm already going downhill so if I add acceleration then that's when things get scary.

01:47:47.840 I'm already or I'm already at you know increasing speed that's what I mean.

01:47:51.060 Yeah yeah yeah.

01:47:51.460 So if you add like but people are like you know you have to throw gas on the fire while

01:47:55.020 it's going but I don't know if I always I don't know if I always believe that.

01:47:59.040 Yeah.

01:47:59.140 You know this is it so this is this is a real song.

01:48:03.200 Dude okay so the reason it even got made is like I've been during COVID I learned how

01:48:07.840 to play guitar and I started singing and I was like I would like to like be able to

01:48:10.920 like play at a coffee shop just like with a wig on or something if I was famous enough

01:48:14.540 that people would go that's Nikki Glaser but generally I was like oh I could probably just

01:48:17.580 do this under a different name or something.

01:48:18.960 It's like literally coffee yeah just a coffee shop because my dad plays locally at grocery

01:48:24.100 stores and restaurants and bars and grills.

01:48:27.140 Was your dad an astronaut?

01:48:28.840 No he was in the cable business but close and so he but he plays music now and he's a really

01:48:34.120 good musician so that's all I aspired to was like I'll just do that but then when I was

01:48:37.860 making my special and editing it we were like what music do you want to use over the credits

01:48:42.480 and I was like I gave a bunch of songs because I care about the credits like I like that song

01:48:46.120 to like hit at the end so I had a bunch of ideas but they were like $30,000 a piece and

01:48:49.580 we were over budget so it would have come out of my money which I would have paid if it was

01:48:52.860 like but I was like no I'll just what if I wrote a song and you know my producing team

01:48:58.680 was like you can and I was like oh okay so I just hired a producer from Chicago to come

01:49:03.420 down to St. Louis I flew him down put him up and he was a friend of a friend and then I

01:49:07.100 had my other buddy Tim Convey who's been in bands we all got together and the night before

01:49:12.800 I was like I want to bring a song I don't want someone to write a song for me like I want

01:49:16.040 to write it and maybe it'll suck and then I'll use their song but I just wrote the song

01:49:20.160 the night before we went into the studio and then the next day I was just like I've never

01:49:23.800 written a song in my life like I've written like parody songs to songs that have already

01:49:27.920 been written but like from coming up with the melody and everything like it was and I was

01:49:32.580 like oh this is actually good like it was kind of like the way I felt the first time I did

01:49:35.800 stand up where I was like I think I'm kind of good at this like I'm not great yet

01:49:39.780 no but look I think this is I have potential having some confidence in trying something

01:49:44.960 new is huge you know because I think everybody wants to try different things you know um and

01:49:50.160 even if it sucked I'd still keep going but I'm just like I think I just got like you know

01:49:53.880 it's you the first set you have is always really good because you wouldn't keep doing

01:49:57.420 it and I think that's like I'll write some real shitty songs but I think I wrote a really

01:50:00.860 good song amen yeah I want to hear it I will listen to a second yeah I want to get a DJ 0.99

01:50:04.700 table too because even if you're good at that you're still dumb as fuck what do you like 0.98

01:50:09.540 what's your like kind of extracurricular that you want to be really good at that maybe as 0.99

01:50:13.040 people are like no one needs that from you Theo like kind of like you know we like you

01:50:17.060 for this stop trying this other thing is there any sport or sometimes I would think yoga yeah

01:50:21.720 DJing how often do you do yoga three times a week oh that's a lot so you're getting good

01:50:31.720 and you've been doing a while I feel good yeah it feels pretty good when I do it what else

01:50:35.600 maybe pickleball yeah artwork yeah oh and violin and sex maybe wait violin really you play violin

01:50:48.340 I just think it would be remarkable to be able it would just shock the world pick it up even if

01:50:53.660 you're very even if you're four years in you will blow people's minds at how good you can be

01:50:58.260 just with a little bit of work amazing I could see it thank you and what else oh 0.74

01:51:05.460 harp is kind of gay I think but I would like to I would be willing to date a woman that was a nurse 0.90

01:51:13.400 or could play harp okay um dude I was on this ayahuasca one time I was on this ayahuasca ceremony 0.92

01:51:19.920 and we're sitting in this room and me and my buddy are dying laughing so hard they had they like kicked

01:51:24.880 us out of the ceremony because we're laughing so hard yeah then somebody came up to us outside of

01:51:29.720 the ceremony it's like 3 a.m in the middle of nowhere and like hey you guys are laughing too

01:51:33.800 loud you have to go back inside I'm like we just got kicked out oh my god they're like now they're

01:51:41.860 puking oh yeah they're distracted but we're sitting in this one room and um we were like having like

01:51:48.880 this went in this trance kind of like or this um um meditation moment pretty deep and this girl was

01:51:55.380 playing a harp just over in the corner like she was she'd come out and she had a harp and she was

01:51:59.120 sitting there just playing it kind of and um and then at one point uh this guy's like hey you can

01:52:06.480 play that harp a little louder if you want to because she was playing real quietly because it was 0.97

01:52:10.980 it was a required environment and she goes who me and we're like we just died fucking laughing 1.00

01:52:18.460 like you think there's another fucking harp player out here it was just weird that's the dumbest story 0.99

01:52:30.560 but um i loved it let's hear it this is nikki glazer someday you'll die 1.00

01:52:35.980 yeah 0.91

01:52:47.980 yeah

01:53:01.980 bro

01:53:18.540 hey man uh

01:53:38.040 that's good let's leave them let's let them let's make them want to go let's let's make 0.98

01:53:45.540 them go have to listen song of the summer someday you'll die dude i could see that being 0.55

01:53:49.420 remixed dude by some djs yes do it you know what i'm talking about you got the equipment i

01:53:56.360 well i'm ordering some stuff online yeah people do something with that song do whatever you like

01:54:02.480 yeah but i don't have to because someday you'll die it's like yeah oh yeah it's like that's what i

01:54:08.780 kind of feel sometimes is like i i have suicidal thoughts with when i get depressed and it it soothes

01:54:14.540 me because i just the idea of it people go oh that's so sad you think about killing yourself i'm

01:54:18.720 like no dude i need i need to think about that because it relaxes me to be like someday this will 0.99

01:54:24.220 be over it's okay but then also that's also the fear is someday i'll die holy fuck you know it's 0.76

01:54:29.300 both so i just yeah it's that's what my whole special is about really really yeah just like 0.82

01:54:34.000 dealing with the fear of death while also really wanting it sometimes because it's just life is too

01:54:38.980 fucking hard well yeah sometimes i think about how much sleep you get when you're able to die 0.72

01:54:43.220 and the rest yeah it's like you almost feel like you know what i could sleep for about 80 years 0.99

01:54:49.240 yeah so you wonder how long until god like sparks you back up or whatever yeah you know or um i think

01:54:56.640 sometimes it's quick and then sometimes you just wait around for a minute because you're not i don't i

01:55:00.600 don't who knows what happens but yeah sometimes it feels like death will be like oh god i have a

01:55:05.660 vacation coming up yeah yeah i think sometimes death's like yeah we got a good one here yeah

01:55:12.480 yeah and then sometimes it's like no i don't want to leave let's say it's both but i don't think it's

01:55:17.640 the worst thing in the world to think about death and be soothed by it sometimes i used to feel like

01:55:21.000 i was really something wrong with me that i felt that but it makes sense it's like it's just i just

01:55:25.020 want to think about i'm not going to do anything about it i know i'll never kill myself but sometimes

01:55:29.140 i think about it and it makes me feel like i have a little bit of control and that there is a way out

01:55:33.080 if i want it even though i'm not going to do it just let me just fantasize sometimes and it's not

01:55:37.780 good for you but i do go there and i'm not ashamed of it anymore i guess well i think thinking about

01:55:42.900 that sort of stuff is fascinating you know it's interesting because we've also determined like

01:55:47.980 everybody that has a thought that's not positive that something is wrong with them you know when

01:55:54.420 people like some of the most like morose writers and stuff of our time have thought about some of

01:56:00.340 the most depraved and darkest things you know if you look at like nietzsche or edgar allen poe dude or 0.74

01:56:07.560 um the guy that wrote um da vinci code yeah you know what i'm saying with mori yeah no it's true it's

01:56:20.140 like you gotta go there i know you think about it yeah it's but sometimes i get scared to think about

01:56:25.440 it but it's really a brave thing to go think about too oh i think your brain won't let you

01:56:29.660 think about it for longer than like there's some kind of statistic about longer than 90 seconds or

01:56:34.100 something because your brain just can't handle it that's pretty crazy isn't it it is it's interesting

01:56:38.780 yeah and it sucks that we all have to do it that's what i don't like like sometimes i forget i have to 0.97

01:56:44.660 someday and i'll be just looking out a plane window letting my mom wonder and i'm like oh fuck i have 0.99

01:56:48.920 to die some shit fuck fuck like it's almost like you forget you're like oh no i gotta do that like 1.00

01:56:55.240 it's just like yeah like i left the oven on yeah i have to yes exactly that same feeling like i'm 1.00

01:57:00.600 gonna miss this or i'm gonna miss this person i gotta get my passport updated shit yeah i gotta do 0.92

01:57:06.760 that remember to do that oh i don't want to but yeah are all the emails or that you left your shoes 0.98

01:57:11.280 in the hallway that'd be like the thought i'm having when i'm dying like fuck dude i left those 0.98

01:57:15.240 fucking shoes in the hallway what's the problem with that well they should be in the closet what's 0.99

01:57:19.700 gonna happen if they're not i don't know i just won't die the right way or something or like ocd 0.99

01:57:24.260 it won't go into time i get it i won't go into the filing cabinet of of the heavens the correct way 0.98

01:57:28.960 like fuck dude you fucking left the heat on well i have that ocd thing too sometimes of like if this 0.99

01:57:35.020 thing i don't do right then this other thing will go horribly and i had that right before the roast 1.00

01:57:39.540 i was like trying to remember a lyric and i was like if you can't remember this lyric 0.91

01:57:43.020 like you know when your brain just makes a rule and you're like yes you better fucking remember 0.86

01:57:47.000 this lyric and i couldn't i didn't i failed my little test and i was like okay it's set in stone

01:57:51.120 i'm gonna fail on the roast and let me just tell you it didn't happen so there we go like when it's

01:57:55.500 not always real like because it was set in stone god made that assignment for me to remember that

01:58:00.220 lyric i failed the test therefore i was going to be punished and my oc was wrong so that like that

01:58:05.740 gave me i was so happy when it went right because i was like okay good that isn't real yeah that thing

01:58:11.340 that happens to me all the time is not real all the time when i was a kid it would be like i'd run

01:58:14.800 and try to jump and touch a brand it's like if you can't touch that branch you're a little

01:58:18.160 yes or something and then i would run and i would not be able to touch it and i'm like god dang it

01:58:23.740 dude you know yes we do well i do it all the time still and it's not true um babies where are they

01:58:31.740 huh whitney did it not me wow i'll adopt if i want them you need to have your baby fight her baby 1.00

01:58:39.320 though that would be fun it's not gonna happen unless like i'll adopt a child that is the age

01:58:43.800 that hers is so we can do a fair thing what uh what brand are you gonna adopt whatever's available

01:58:50.360 i'm kind of like i would never go like i want it to look like this i'm the same way with dogs like

01:58:54.740 i'm not like i want i want to rescue you but i want it to be a little white dog or whatever it is i

01:58:59.160 just take whatever they gave me but of course you hope for like a cute kid yeah i want him to be a

01:59:04.240 cute kid and smart and all and but i feel like yeah i don't know i don't think it's for me unless

01:59:10.620 i find someone who really wants to be a very hands-on father almost in a mature like as present

01:59:15.080 as a mom would be because i really like to work and yeah i like traveling still and stuff like that

01:59:20.000 and i think that's more of a father role work is my relationship i realized over the years yeah

01:59:25.000 me too it's like the thing that i felt i don't know if i fell in love with it but and it's really a

01:59:29.380 relationship i have it's like i wake up with it i go to bed with it it's like part of my life it's

01:59:33.980 like the biggest part of my life yeah you know yeah it pays off yeah yeah it is but at some point

01:59:41.300 you can start coasting a little bit and let in something else yeah maybe so i'm projecting to 0.98

01:59:46.620 myself maybe something with some tits on it you feel me you deserve it thanks dude or get your own 0.89

01:59:52.840 that's how it is now that's a lot of dudes huh a lot of dudes are like oh i ain't gonna meet these 0.99

01:59:59.880 chicks i'll just get some tits put on i don't think that's how it works really no i don't think 1.00

02:00:04.100 men are are transitioning to women so that they can i'll show these bitches i'll be one of them 1.00

02:00:09.340 you can't titty fuck yourself well but you can look at your own i guess yeah but dude you don't 1.00

02:00:15.920 want to sip where you eat you know what i'm saying dude i think or whatever you do i don't know 1.00

02:00:20.940 what the statement is nikki glazer uh thank you for roasting tom brady dude what an uh what a crazy 0.51

02:00:27.340 thing to get to do so crazy so cool yeah yeah a legend is he beautiful in person so handsome but

02:00:34.680 almost like unreal looking like yeah i had a joke for a while that was like i want to put a knife

02:00:38.800 through you to make sure you're not cake you know like he looks cake he looks like his wax figurine

02:00:45.560 was they were like we don't have enough wax to make it look like as waxy as he does right he

02:00:50.860 looks unreal because he's had really good work done yeah he's a good looking man but it's almost

02:00:55.280 too perfect i was intimidating to look at has he had work done you think oh yeah really be crazy if

02:01:00.420 he didn't he's got all that money he's got a wife that is like the most stunningly beautiful woman

02:01:05.340 ever you kind of want to raise to that level she's got good people working on her i'm sure

02:01:10.320 she's a naturally she's a natural 10 but she's also she's gone up to 12 i would say with the right 1.00

02:01:16.300 work so yeah he's definitely done stuff he's definitely done stuff and i don't begrudge him

02:01:20.080 he did good stuff he looks great beautiful man beautiful guy beautiful man yeah nikki glazer

02:01:28.140 great to spend time with you so fun i love you congratulations i love you too thank you

02:01:32.240 now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be cornerstone

02:01:41.840 oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can feel it in my bones

02:01:52.700 but it's gonna tell you

02:02:02.240 you

02:02:03.040 you

02:02:04.980 you

02:02:05.000 you

02:02:07.520 you

02:02:09.520 you

02:02:16.660 you

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - May 14, 2024

E502 Nikki Glaser

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