This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E508 Joey Diaz

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00:01:51.720 Coming to you live from Austin today, today's guest is a comedian.

00:01:56.580 Probably one of the most unique comedians of all time.

00:02:00.680 He has a new book out called Tremendous, which you can check out on Amazon.

00:02:08.680 He was the host of the famed podcast, legendary podcast, The Church of What's Happening Now.

00:02:14.260 He has his own podcast now with Lee Syatt called The Check-In.

00:02:18.220 I'm grateful to catch up today with one of my heroes, Mr. Joey Coco Diaz.

00:02:24.900 Shine that light on me.

00:02:30.680 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:02:35.720 Shine on me.

00:02:40.040 And I will find a song I've been singing.

00:02:44.240 Almost.

00:02:44.720 What do you say?

00:02:52.840 Jelly Roll?

00:02:53.480 Yeah, go ahead.

00:02:54.100 I was thinking, all right.

00:02:57.260 So, this is Jelly Roll.

00:02:59.140 Like, Jelly Roll, every time he wins an award, he gets up there and he's like, I just want to thank right now there's somebody who's stuck under a bridge.

00:03:10.600 There's somebody out there who's got a size 11 foot and a size 8 tennis shoe. 0.98

00:03:16.080 And I just want to say you can fucking live your dreams, man. 0.96

00:03:20.180 Dude, every time they call his name for any, every time Jelly gets an award, man, he just, he's so full of feelings, bro. 0.98

00:03:29.320 He gets up there and he's just like, I want to tell you that I was a, I was a maitre d' at a macaroni grill.

00:03:38.380 And now I'm a Grammy award winning artist. 0.74

00:03:42.200 Like, sometimes it's just fucking like, bro, if they even like at a fat, like, I feel like even at Chipotle, if they just call his name to come get his order, he goes up there, he picks it up. 0.99

00:03:52.320 He's like, I want to let every illegal alien in this motherfucker know in 40 days. 0.99

00:04:01.040 And with only 90 singing lessons, you can win a fucking American Music Award. 1.00

00:04:07.240 90 singing lessons. 1.00

00:04:10.020 Dude.

00:04:11.480 It was better last night when I did it.

00:04:13.360 Oh my God, I was dying.

00:04:14.640 I was dying in my sleep.

00:04:16.440 He was.

00:04:17.500 You do them to the T. 0.99

00:04:18.920 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:04:20.100 Everybody was dying last night. 1.00

00:04:21.520 Some people do them real good.

00:04:24.600 Yeah.

00:04:25.060 Joey Diaz, man.

00:04:25.920 Good to see you, brother.

00:04:26.780 Good to see you too, my friend.

00:04:27.820 You too, man.

00:04:28.320 That was fun last night.

00:04:29.280 That was a lot of fun.

00:04:31.000 Yeah.

00:04:31.280 It was fun just seeing you. 0.99

00:04:32.320 It's been four fucking years, Theo. 0.99

00:04:34.560 I know. 0.99

00:04:35.180 Since the pandemic, man.

00:04:36.300 I haven't seen anybody.

00:04:38.600 Yeah.

00:04:39.080 It's so funny.

00:04:39.880 I realized, I didn't realize how much I missed seeing you until I got out of the car, out of the Uber at the mothership.

00:04:47.760 And I was like, is Joey here?

00:04:49.360 And they're like, yeah.

00:04:50.000 And I literally, my legs, like I ran upstairs.

00:04:52.900 Oh, I was so happy. 0.94

00:04:54.220 First person I asked for when I got there, I'm like, where's fucking Theo? 0.98

00:04:56.920 Yeah. 0.95

00:04:57.440 Like, he'll be here later.

00:04:59.360 Yeah.

00:04:59.540 We haven't seen each other. 0.63

00:05:01.600 It's been, it's fucking crazy, man, what happens to life sometimes. 0.87

00:05:06.540 Yeah. 0.92

00:05:08.420 Has it been good?

00:05:09.080 Have you been feeling good in Jersey?

00:05:10.320 It seems like everything's good.

00:05:11.480 You look great. 0.99

00:05:12.200 The first fucking year was a struggle because I was lost. 1.00

00:05:16.360 I was fucking lost. 0.99

00:05:17.820 I was like, you know, what I was trying to do was, honestly, was just figure out what happened the last 30 years. 0.98

00:05:25.580 Because after the pandemic, when the pandemic hit, we were all gung-ho.

00:05:30.380 We were very all gung-ho.

00:05:32.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:05:32.700 But, like, by May of the pandemic, I was like, what the fuck happened? 0.96

00:05:39.080 I came here. 0.97

00:05:40.000 I auditioned for Mitzi Shaw. 1.00

00:05:42.880 And I don't know what happened.

00:05:45.020 Like, here we are.

00:05:45.980 Yeah.

00:05:46.200 You know, movies, talking to this guy, talking to that guy.

00:05:50.240 The store at the end, before the pandemic, it was something that you'll never, ever see again.

00:05:55.540 I still remember I would do spots and then go to the kitchen after my spot and just sit for a minute and look out into the bar area and stuff.

00:06:04.860 And it would be, like, celebrities, MMA people, the Clippers.

00:06:10.040 You know, it was something every night.

00:06:12.080 It was just too overwhelming.

00:06:13.700 Yeah. 0.92

00:06:13.960 Every time you left the store on Tuesdays or Thursdays, you got in your car and you had to fucking drive 30 minutes just to be compressed. 0.99

00:06:22.920 Dr. Dre was hanging out at night before the fucking thing. 0.99

00:06:25.820 He was coming into the store every night. 0.99

00:06:27.600 It was just a scene that was, you know, hard to believe. 0.99

00:06:31.980 We had our own fucking thing. 0.99

00:06:33.920 Kennison, Dice, those guys had their thing and we had our thing. 0.99

00:06:37.980 It's really true.

00:06:38.660 I didn't realize it either until I went back, like, over the, I've gone back over the past two years and it's like, it's not even, it's not even the same thing anymore.

00:06:49.220 It was like a, it was like lightning striking when everybody was there, dude.

00:06:53.340 When, dude, the lineup sometimes, like on a Tuesday night.

00:06:57.460 I still have them.

00:06:58.640 I saved everything.

00:06:59.600 I would clip a lineup, I would take a picture of it or something and go, this is where you were with these guys.

00:07:07.460 I want to see somebody try to take something away from me.

00:07:11.100 Like, do you know what I'm saying?

00:07:11.900 Like people always go, whoa, he didn't do it. 1.00

00:07:13.400 Listen, bitch. 1.00

00:07:14.360 Yeah. 1.00

00:07:14.620 And this is these lineups in 2019.

00:07:18.980 What about the lineups?

00:07:21.000 Well, 2009, I wasn't there, but in 99, I was there. 0.98

00:07:25.160 And I remember looking at those lineups and they weren't good, but you had fucking animals, like three of them there on the lineups. 0.99

00:07:33.320 It wasn't like nine motherfuckers coming at you. 1.00

00:07:36.360 Yeah. 1.00

00:07:36.640 From Ali Wong to you to D'Elia.

00:07:39.180 It was a cavalcade every Tuesday and Thursday and everybody got along. 0.95

00:07:43.380 Whitney, you, Burt, Joe, Segura, fucking Tripoli, Eddie Bravo, Owen Smith. 0.99

00:07:52.820 It was fucking crazy what was down there. 1.00

00:07:55.580 It was crazy. 1.00

00:07:56.600 Crazy. 0.99

00:07:57.200 Bro, they had MMA fighters that weren't even comedians fucking doing 20 minutes down there. 1.00

00:08:02.260 It was fucking crazy. 0.99

00:08:04.200 Eddie Bravo was doing like 40 fucking minutes, bro. 1.00

00:08:08.520 Fucking crazy. 1.00

00:08:09.740 You think about it. 0.99

00:08:10.640 And people walked in there and it's like they got high.

00:08:15.700 As soon as people walked in, it's like walking into the mothership.

00:08:18.800 You know, you walk in and you're just taken.

00:08:21.880 You're just taken.

00:08:22.980 And this is, you know, I didn't do it for one summer. 0.99

00:08:25.520 I did it for 30 fucking years. 0.98

00:08:27.040 So now I got to figure out where they took me. 0.99

00:08:29.120 Yeah. 0.99

00:08:29.660 You know, where the fuck did they take me? 0.99

00:08:31.380 I mean. 0.99

00:08:32.120 Yeah.

00:08:32.300 Just to look at that lineup and be like, it doesn't even feel like you're really the

00:08:35.460 person doing it.

00:08:36.760 No.

00:08:37.620 You ever see Oh God, You Devil?

00:08:39.080 Any of those Oh God movies?

00:08:41.080 Oh, does it have a, is it like a black movie or not?

00:08:43.220 No, no, no.

00:08:43.700 George Burns.

00:08:44.440 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:08:44.820 Plays God and he fucks with people. 1.00

00:08:46.760 Yeah. 0.98

00:08:46.900 And he got the Coke bottle or whatever.

00:08:48.460 And it's really weird.

00:08:50.120 Yeah. 0.99

00:08:50.420 Those things there fucking. 0.99

00:08:52.480 One of the guys he went to, I'll never forget. 0.99

00:08:55.220 Like I, this is way before I got into comedy, way before I got into comedy.

00:08:59.960 I started watching them.

00:09:01.040 You know, I like movies and there was one particular guy that the guy was a musician

00:09:05.400 and he was struggling and he was like a Bruce Springsteen type guy. 0.99

00:09:09.820 And then he came to him and he fucking shut out the light because he was the devil. 0.99

00:09:14.400 He plays the devil. 1.00

00:09:15.580 Oh, he plays the devil.

00:09:16.620 He cuts a deal with you to sell your soul. 1.00

00:09:18.880 Oh God, you devil. 1.00

00:09:20.500 I remember the gods must be crazy. 1.00

00:09:22.140 Was that him?

00:09:23.040 No, no.

00:09:23.560 No, that's why you're getting confused with the Africans and stuff.

00:09:26.480 Yeah.

00:09:27.240 But it was, that's what I feel like. 0.99

00:09:30.060 The guy during the movie, after he became a star, he would go, what the fuck? 1.00

00:09:36.640 What the fuck? 1.00

00:09:37.340 And then he would go to a restaurant. 1.00

00:09:39.900 After he knew the devil took his soul, he would go to a restaurant and see the girl he

00:09:44.280 was engaged with.

00:09:45.200 And now she was about to have a baby.

00:09:48.320 And this was his life. 0.99

00:09:49.800 Like it's fucking crazy. 0.98

00:09:51.080 And that's what I felt like. 0.99

00:09:52.540 Yeah.

00:09:52.780 A lot of times, like, did I just do that?

00:09:55.720 Why do people want to take a picture of me?

00:09:57.520 I'm a felon.

00:09:58.420 Yeah.

00:09:58.940 Your mother told you to stay away from people like me and you want to take a picture of

00:10:02.180 me?

00:10:02.860 And it was just mind boggling.

00:10:04.800 So that was the first year in Jersey.

00:10:08.780 It was just trying to figure out coming down.

00:10:13.220 It was, I was coming down. 0.99

00:10:14.260 And I was, I had committed to coming down and seeing what life was like with the fucking 0.99

00:10:19.920 and the sticks, you know, and started going to softball games and basketball games with 0.99

00:10:25.060 my daughter.

00:10:25.600 And were you playing or you were just coaching or what?

00:10:27.960 No, I don't even coach.

00:10:29.000 I just sit there.

00:10:29.820 I get high and I sit there and watch.

00:10:31.420 Oh, yeah.

00:10:32.220 But still. 1.00

00:10:32.440 A bunch of fucking girls. 1.00

00:10:33.500 You know, it's so funny. 1.00

00:10:34.320 I used to go to my father-in-law's house in Nashville. 1.00

00:10:37.200 That motherfucker's always watching girls softball. 1.00

00:10:39.560 And I would look at him and go, I'm not even going to say nothing to my wife, but this 1.00

00:10:43.200 is the most pedophilia fucking thing ever. 1.00

00:10:45.540 An old guy watching girls softball. 1.00

00:10:47.580 Well, guess what? 1.00

00:10:48.180 I became that fucking old guy. 1.00

00:10:50.020 Now I go to her games. 1.00

00:10:51.760 I go to her basketball game.

00:10:53.200 You know, it's, there's so much.

00:10:55.620 Listen, man, I, I, for me to get into comedy, I lost a family.

00:11:01.660 I lost a daughter.

00:11:02.860 You know, she's 34.

00:11:03.960 I haven't talked. 1.00

00:11:04.500 30 fucking four. 0.97

00:11:06.260 Like this was part of the whole, like, what happened? 1.00

00:11:08.700 Like I left Boulder when she was five and now she's 30 fucking four. 1.00

00:11:14.900 We haven't spoken in 20 years. 0.99

00:11:16.680 No way. 1.00

00:11:17.600 20 fucking years. 1.00

00:11:18.800 20. 1.00

00:11:19.520 Yeah.

00:11:19.880 It's gotta be 20 years now.

00:11:22.160 Is it, are there times where it just hits you and it just hurts sometimes?

00:11:26.880 It really hurt in the beginning for years. 0.98

00:11:29.600 It really took me part of the addiction and all that shit was that. 0.98

00:11:33.240 And then I made peace with it. 0.91

00:11:34.720 I knew that this wasn't going to work.

00:11:36.520 It wasn't in the cards and you got to move on.

00:11:38.400 And then I had this, then God gave me a second chance and they threw another girl at me. 0.93

00:11:43.200 And I'm like, what am I going to do here? 0.99

00:11:45.500 So I said, let me sink in, you know, and fucking be a dad. 0.98

00:11:50.440 Just get, I got a second chance to do this the right way this time. 0.99

00:11:54.020 And this is what I'm going to do.

00:11:55.320 Did you, and that was a real thought in your head.

00:11:56.960 You're like, I got this.

00:11:57.880 This is God giving me a second chance. 1.00

00:11:59.400 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:12:00.120 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:00.380 You know, I've gotten, Theo, how many second chances have I fucking gotten? 0.90

00:12:03.600 I bet a decent amount. 0.90

00:12:05.060 So some second chances you got to jump on and go, you know what?

00:12:09.040 This ain't going to happen again.

00:12:10.340 Yeah.

00:12:10.920 I can make peace with myself.

00:12:13.200 You know, I heard things.

00:12:14.120 I wasn't a good dad. 1.00

00:12:15.120 I heard tons of shit from my ex-wife. 1.00

00:12:17.660 And now I'm living it. 1.00

00:12:19.180 You know, now I'm living.

00:12:20.200 I got a nice house, cars, you know.

00:12:23.000 We don't, I'm not a jet setter.

00:12:25.680 You know that.

00:12:26.260 I'm not a BMW guy or nothing.

00:12:28.020 I'm just happy and comfortable.

00:12:29.540 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:30.200 You know, I retire in four fucking years. 0.99

00:12:32.280 My daughter collects Social Security for three of those years. 0.99

00:12:35.100 The ones I didn't get when my mother died. 0.98

00:12:38.160 So everything comes full fucking circle, man. 0.99

00:12:40.620 Oh, really? 0.97

00:12:41.380 So Social Security, you get it for how long?

00:12:44.000 So when my mother died, I didn't get Social Security.

00:12:46.860 Because they said she didn't work enough quarters. 1.00

00:12:48.960 She owned a business.

00:12:50.400 So I had no money coming in when I was a kid, you know, for all those years.

00:12:55.340 And it's weird now. 0.81

00:12:56.440 I got a letter about six months ago about retiring and all this shit with benefit. 0.84

00:13:01.280 And I'm like, I don't want to retire. 0.99

00:13:02.480 I want to keep slinging dick. 0.99

00:13:03.600 I feel great to go out there. 0.99

00:13:05.720 I'm not in the mood to go on planes every weekend.

00:13:08.300 No, it's a lot.

00:13:09.640 I'm not.

00:13:10.080 It's a young man.

00:13:10.680 It's not a young man's game.

00:13:11.660 It's a young man's game. 0.87

00:13:12.740 It really is.

00:13:14.620 It's not even that you can't do it.

00:13:15.920 It's just can you put up?

00:13:17.020 It's like the stress.

00:13:18.820 It just wears on you.

00:13:20.520 And you did it for so long.

00:13:21.720 I did it for so long.

00:13:22.840 And we'll forget. 1.00

00:13:23.860 I'll forget sometimes, Joey, how long I did this shit for. 0.99

00:13:26.780 I'll be going to the airport. 1.00

00:13:27.900 I'm like, fuck, I just cannot do this. 0.99

00:13:31.280 I cannot get on a plane. 1.00

00:13:32.720 And people are like, what are you talking about, man?

00:13:34.500 But part of my brain is just like, I don't know what time when I wasn't going to the airport.

00:13:41.760 Yeah. 0.99

00:13:42.540 Or wasn't getting in the car for a fucking haul. 0.99

00:13:45.220 My thing was this. 0.99

00:13:46.700 I dreaded the road until I got in the Uber.

00:13:51.580 Until you got in the what?

00:13:52.500 Uber.

00:13:53.180 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:53.420 Once I get in the Uber and I got an edible in me and I'm headed to fucking LAX, look out, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:13:59.340 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:59.820 Look out.

00:14:00.420 Come out of friendly sky.

00:14:01.540 That's what happens to me.

00:14:03.120 It's the lead up.

00:14:04.360 Mm-hmm.

00:14:04.680 It was towards the last year.

00:14:07.280 I would wake up in the middle of the night going, I can't believe I booked this trip to this place.

00:14:11.960 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:12.700 Fuck, I should have taken that week off and I shouldn't have booked this. 1.00

00:14:16.060 I can't believe I got to go to this town this week. 1.00

00:14:18.540 Yeah, like, fuck, he's tickle town or something. 0.99

00:14:20.660 There's always something. 1.00

00:14:21.520 You're like, fuck. 1.00

00:14:22.520 In Puerto Rico? 1.00

00:14:23.660 Dude, I did a fucking weekend in Puerto Rico one time. 1.00

00:14:26.660 And I was like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:14:27.940 Some new joint they put? 1.00

00:14:28.940 I was like, I never should have when nine people fucking showed up to a couple gay dudes over there. 0.99

00:14:34.680 I think it was like a sex laundering or whatever, but I didn't do anything. 0.99

00:14:40.320 But I went and, you know, I tried to do my best comedy, but just fucking unreal, bro. 0.96

00:14:45.180 Now, we've been doing this for a long time and you, uh. 1.00

00:14:49.700 Some of this shit. 1.00

00:14:51.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:51.520 And it's like, I just went back to Jersey and I was like, to top it off, I haven't lived in Jersey in 40 years.

00:14:58.940 You got a driveway over there?

00:15:00.620 Yeah.

00:15:01.120 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:01.940 Driveway, fucking backyard. 1.00

00:15:03.680 I got raccoons. 1.00

00:15:04.900 Yeah. 0.99

00:15:05.560 I got a raccoon that will not leave me the fuck alone. 0.99

00:15:08.580 Really? 0.99

00:15:09.220 And he's become like friends.

00:15:10.440 He's like buddy now.

00:15:11.580 He just comes.

00:15:12.420 He tries to.

00:15:13.060 I put two bricks in the garbage. 1.00

00:15:14.540 He looks at me at night like, motherfucker, you got me again. 1.00

00:15:17.660 Then he leaves. 1.00

00:15:19.120 I put a piece of nicotine gum in that motherfucker. 1.00

00:15:21.180 I didn't see him for a week. 1.00

00:15:22.680 That motherfucker was running up and down fucking my street with nicotine in him. 1.00

00:15:26.240 But, you know, I live in a great neighborhood. 1.00

00:15:29.740 It's quiet.

00:15:30.500 Theo, it's fine.

00:15:31.240 I live around the corner from Jimmy Florentine.

00:15:33.280 Oh, yeah.

00:15:34.020 He's an awesome guy.

00:15:35.340 Awesome guy.

00:15:36.120 But, I mean, that's a week down.

00:15:37.580 You go down there, you're like, whoa. 1.00

00:15:40.040 I got to learn how to fucking navigate this shit. 1.00

00:15:43.280 Go down where? 1.00

00:15:43.880 To his house?

00:15:44.640 No, no.

00:15:45.100 To my house.

00:15:45.940 Like, when I moved down to this place.

00:15:47.840 Oh, it was quiet.

00:15:48.320 I'm an hour out of New York City.

00:15:49.820 I'm an hour 15 out of New York City.

00:15:52.460 I'm an hour where I was raised from.

00:15:54.780 Like, North Bergen right across the city.

00:15:57.400 Where James Day Braddock is from?

00:15:58.940 Yeah.

00:15:59.280 No way.

00:16:00.300 Yeah.

00:16:01.500 I used to shovel his driveway.

00:16:02.780 You're lying.

00:16:03.640 When we were kids.

00:16:04.440 Nuh-uh.

00:16:05.100 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:05.520 And his son was a fucking cop. 1.00

00:16:08.200 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:08.940 No way.

00:16:09.740 That's the park there.

00:16:10.400 J.J. Braddock Park.

00:16:11.480 They just put a beautiful statue up there.

00:16:14.460 That neighborhood was rocking.

00:16:16.460 When we were kids, not only did he live in town, J.J. Braddock, 0.99

00:16:21.780 but fucking the other guy, Jethro's father. 0.98

00:16:26.900 Jethro Toll? 1.00

00:16:27.920 No, Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies.

00:16:30.140 Oh, that dude had a father?

00:16:34.500 Yeah.

00:16:36.980 Bro, anybody could have made that dude, bro. 1.00

00:16:39.940 Jethro was a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:16:42.160 Wow. 1.00

00:16:43.100 So, yeah.

00:16:43.680 Dude, you saw James Day Braddock when you were a kid.

00:16:46.020 Yeah, like 10, 12.

00:16:48.040 We would go to Hudson County Park, and one day somebody said,

00:16:50.280 go up there.

00:16:50.920 He would just give you like 10 bucks to shovel in front of his house 1.00

00:16:54.320 like fucking when it snowed. 0.99

00:16:55.880 So I only went up there like once or twice. 0.99

00:16:58.020 It was way out of my neighborhood.

00:16:59.140 He probably didn't even know it was snowing.

00:17:00.440 He probably was a snow globe.

00:17:01.700 He got hit somebody. 0.99

00:17:02.260 That dude was fucking tough, bro. 0.99

00:17:03.840 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:17:04.360 That dude's tough.

00:17:04.900 I saw some tapes of him. 0.99

00:17:06.520 That dude was Irish fucking longshoremen. 1.00

00:17:09.020 He was fucking, he'll fight you with one fucking hand, those guys. 1.00

00:17:12.540 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:13.260 Yeah, right there.

00:17:14.060 Jane J. Braddock Park.

00:17:15.340 Right there. 1.00

00:17:15.680 Damn, dude. 1.00

00:17:16.180 That's one of my favorite movies, dude. 0.99

00:17:18.100 I've probably watched that movie maybe 12 times, Cinderella Man.

00:17:20.700 I love that movie.

00:17:21.580 When I saw it, when I was crying up a storm.

00:17:23.400 The funny thing was, I got in trouble for that movie.

00:17:26.620 Listen to this.

00:17:27.400 I'm at the longest yard premiere.

00:17:29.300 Mm-hmm. 0.99

00:17:29.900 We're at the longest fucking yard premiere. 0.98

00:17:31.900 But you're in, so in case you don't know. 0.98

00:17:33.300 Right.

00:17:33.480 So I walk into my seats.

00:17:35.440 I sit down, and the last seat is open.

00:17:39.240 I'm sitting there with my wife. 1.00

00:17:40.540 We're talking about shit. 1.00

00:17:42.320 And all of a sudden, right before the movie starts, a fucking Cameron Crowe sits next to me. 1.00

00:17:47.660 And on his sleeve, he's got North Bergen. 0.98

00:17:50.520 Did you see the jacket he made for Braddock when he was shooting that movie?

00:17:53.800 Mm-mm.

00:17:54.120 I don't know. 0.99

00:17:54.460 He made like a fucking great jacket. 0.99

00:17:56.340 He sat next to me, man. 1.00

00:17:57.740 And I'm like, oh, what the fuck is Gladiator doing next to me? 0.98

00:18:02.240 I didn't say nothing. 0.97

00:18:03.620 Cameron Crowe, so that's the guy that made Gladiator?

00:18:05.760 Russell Crowe.

00:18:06.240 Russell Crowe.

00:18:06.960 I'm sorry, Cameron Crowe.

00:18:07.240 Oh, Russell Crowe.

00:18:08.280 Russell Crowe.

00:18:09.320 It's Russell Crowe sitting next to me.

00:18:11.040 The guy who played J.J. Braddock, you know?

00:18:13.140 Oh, really?

00:18:14.240 And he had the jacket on.

00:18:15.720 Nuh-uh.

00:18:16.500 And as the movie ended, I couldn't take it anymore. 0.99

00:18:18.700 The Longest Yard fucking ended. 0.98

00:18:20.260 Everybody's clapping. 0.99

00:18:21.600 The producers for The Longest Yard are sitting in front of me. 0.99

00:18:24.860 And I turned to fucking Russell. 0.99

00:18:26.460 And I go, yo, that's the fucking movie of the year right there. 0.99

00:18:31.480 And he looked at me, and the producers looked at me. 0.98

00:18:33.900 I'm supposed to be pushing The Longest Yard. 0.99

00:18:35.880 But I'm telling them this is the fucking movie of the year. 0.99

00:18:38.820 Cinderella, man. 1.00

00:18:39.500 And he started laughing his ass off.

00:18:41.340 You're from North Bergen.

00:18:42.280 We started giggling.

00:18:43.660 And then, because my friends told me, when he was shooting the movie, they would see him

00:18:47.340 at different delis. 0.99

00:18:48.300 He was doing different delis around fucking towns. 0.99

00:18:51.860 Just checking them out. 0.99

00:18:52.560 Checking them out.

00:18:53.300 Whatever.

00:18:53.440 Wow.

00:18:53.620 Quomo's, stuff like that.

00:18:55.060 I love that movie, man.

00:18:56.840 I love that movie.

00:18:57.860 And that's one of the reasons I've, like, this, I mean, I'm, you know, Dustin is fighting

00:19:03.920 in Jersey coming up.

00:19:08.580 Two weeks.

00:19:09.080 And that Islam, yep, in two weeks. 1.00

00:19:10.180 Yeah, that's a great fight.

00:19:11.300 Yeah.

00:19:11.520 And so part of me is, like, I'm, like, tying it in my head.

00:19:14.000 I'm, like, dude.

00:19:14.700 When he told me that, I was, like, dude, it's like James J. Braddock, bro.

00:19:17.380 It's like Cinderella, man.

00:19:18.700 When are you coming up?

00:19:20.000 I'm going to come up the day before.

00:19:22.020 Friday?

00:19:22.360 Yeah, I got a show Friday.

00:19:23.460 Where?

00:19:23.840 At Beacon.

00:19:26.460 Well, maybe before the show, I'll take you to J.J. Braddock Park.

00:19:30.300 No way.

00:19:31.360 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:31.880 The fucking, we'll go to the park, we'll eat. 1.00

00:19:34.820 Over there, they got good fucking food over there. 1.00

00:19:37.660 Yeah, I would love to, dude. 0.99

00:19:38.740 They got a fucking place called Tapas right down the block from there. 0.99

00:19:44.200 An Italian place. 1.00

00:19:45.320 That's tremendous.

00:19:46.080 Spaghetti with little meatballs.

00:19:47.620 Any way you go.

00:19:48.620 And if not, we go up to Rudy's.

00:19:50.180 Forget about it.

00:19:51.100 Everything's good.

00:19:52.020 Oh.

00:19:52.940 Oh.

00:19:53.660 Yeah.

00:19:54.160 It's funny.

00:19:54.620 Where I live, there's great food. 1.00

00:19:55.980 I mean, fucking. 0.99

00:19:58.180 I brought Rogan down there. 1.00

00:19:59.320 His head almost blew up.

00:20:00.480 They got everything down there.

00:20:02.180 And it's so weird.

00:20:02.960 Like, you leave there going, I take Leo all the time. 1.00

00:20:05.120 He loses his fucking mind. 1.00

00:20:07.000 Who's Leo? 1.00

00:20:07.920 Lee.

00:20:08.300 Lee.

00:20:08.580 I take Lee.

00:20:09.080 When he comes down, I take him to different places. 1.00

00:20:12.120 That little fucking walkie-talkie. 0.99

00:20:13.760 I saw him the other right, dude. 1.00

00:20:16.480 Walkie-talkie. 1.00

00:20:17.560 That little fucking gumball machine, brother. 1.00

00:20:20.620 That motherfucker is killing me, dog. 1.00

00:20:22.700 The fucking Jewish Christmas present. 1.00

00:20:24.840 That little fucking. 1.00

00:20:25.540 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:20:25.800 And he's doing comedy.

00:20:27.480 And he's doing great with it.

00:20:28.580 Yeah.

00:20:28.840 He's been doing it, I think, almost five years now.

00:20:30.360 Yeah.

00:20:30.840 He flows on the road. 1.00

00:20:31.960 He fucking. 1.00

00:20:32.620 He's opening up for people. 1.00

00:20:34.220 Does he close yet?

00:20:35.100 I know he's opening up for people.

00:20:35.940 Yeah, he opens up Rogan, a couple, not Rogan, Josh Wolfe.

00:20:39.880 Yeah, Josh Wolfe.

00:20:41.080 Yeah, that's when I saw him, Josh Wolfe, and Jacob Wolfe the other day at a clothing store.

00:20:44.940 But then, yeah, me and Lee went up to the mothership one night.

00:20:48.340 Yeah, he was excited, dude. 0.94

00:20:49.760 I fucking, I'll never forget that time. 0.96

00:20:52.080 I think it might have been the first time I came on, on you guys' podcast. 0.97

00:20:58.800 And, and in the beginning, there was something in the headphones.

00:21:03.900 It was like, Lee, I'm hearing like a little, like a sound in the headphones.

00:21:07.340 He's like, I'm trying to fix it. 0.99

00:21:09.780 So he's over there fucking. 0.98

00:21:11.800 I think he was like looking on his phone trying to fix it. 0.99

00:21:14.560 The whole board is in front of him or whatever.

00:21:17.220 Fast forward two hours, dude.

00:21:19.060 I think we did some mushrooms or something.

00:21:22.080 Lee is unconscious or semi-unconscious.

00:21:24.600 I don't want to say he was unconscious.

00:21:26.300 But he wasn't associated with you and me.

00:21:29.420 And we were the only people in the room.

00:21:31.440 So he's over there and he's like, and I, I hear this sound in the headphones again.

00:21:36.820 And it's like, this time it was him making like a wheezy. 1.00

00:21:43.680 He had like some HVAC issues going on or something, that motherfucker. 1.00

00:21:47.780 That was the thing that really killed me. 1.00

00:21:50.180 I got to be honest. 0.99

00:21:50.980 Like if you hit a popcorn bag, that's been fucking good. 0.99

00:21:53.480 That's cooked to the max, bro. 0.99

00:21:55.440 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:56.480 That's what he sounded like.

00:21:57.360 Yeah, just when that first like kind of.

00:22:00.340 What killed you?

00:22:01.180 Sorry, I interrupted you.

00:22:02.040 No, no, no. 0.99

00:22:02.560 You know what fucking killed me, man? 0.99

00:22:04.180 Those, those eight years of that podcast with Lee, that was rough. 0.99

00:22:10.360 Like I didn't know how rough it was till I stopped doing it.

00:22:13.220 Like, what do you mean keeping up every week by having a party every week?

00:22:16.560 You mean? 0.96

00:22:16.980 We were fucking, what party? 0.99

00:22:18.640 It was a, it was a nonstop party. 0.99

00:22:20.960 Yeah.

00:22:21.340 Oh, y'all were Neil Armstrong and that other guy who fights people. 0.99

00:22:24.360 We were fucking. 0.98

00:22:25.640 He's Aldrin. 1.00

00:22:26.160 We were doing 2,000 milligrams, mushrooms, Vicodins, whatever people dropped in that office fucking. 0.98

00:22:35.860 What's the therapy people do? 0.99

00:22:37.840 Oh, ketamine therapy?

00:22:38.520 Ketamine.

00:22:39.300 Oh, yeah.

00:22:39.840 We were doing ketamine in there.

00:22:41.500 Y'all put Owen Benjamin into the woods. 0.99

00:22:43.700 Are you guys fucking put that dude in a blender? 0.98

00:22:46.380 There was a couple people that wanted a blender, including myself. 0.99

00:22:49.180 You know?

00:22:49.620 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:49.900 Fuck, I put myself in a blender. 1.00

00:22:51.820 I was mixed goods for fucking a year after that. 1.00

00:22:54.800 When I got home, when I moved to Jersey. 0.98

00:22:56.720 Brackish water.

00:22:57.820 When I moved to Jersey, I moved to August, right?

00:23:00.880 August 19th.

00:23:02.360 And we stayed in the corporate housing till my house was ready.

00:23:06.080 Oh, you were building a house?

00:23:07.120 No, the house wasn't, we couldn't move in till September 2nd.

00:23:10.400 Oh, yeah.

00:23:11.080 So we had two weeks in corporate housing.

00:23:14.220 Those two weeks were like, I was just driving my wife crazy. 1.00

00:23:18.380 Yeah.

00:23:18.660 Because I was eating 3,000 milligrams a day.

00:23:22.200 I was bored.

00:23:23.520 I was lonely.

00:23:24.400 It was a pandemic.

00:23:25.620 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:23:26.540 I was eating Xanax to fucking help me go to sleep. 0.99

00:23:29.740 I was eating Xanax on the road. 0.98

00:23:32.500 And I'll never forget, I went back there.

00:23:35.180 And I got so high one night.

00:23:37.400 I melted the tea kettle.

00:23:39.840 Because I used to make Michael Jackson tea at night.

00:23:42.800 Like, I'd make, like, edible tea and put 2,000 milligrams in there.

00:23:46.240 That's sleepy time, yeah.

00:23:47.480 And mix it up.

00:23:48.720 And it'd be Michael Jackson tea. 0.99

00:23:50.420 Put some Sesame Street on and start jerking off. 0.99

00:23:52.800 Yeah, I feel you. 1.00

00:23:54.000 The fucking hole. 1.00

00:23:54.620 One night I made that shit. 1.00

00:23:56.980 And I was like, I'm not high enough. 1.00

00:23:59.940 God, I can't believe you even said that to yourself. 0.98

00:24:02.860 Like, it was like, the first month in Jersey was a fucking, like, I wasn't high enough. 0.98

00:24:07.880 So I went to make another batch of tea, and I passed up. 0.98

00:24:11.340 And when I got up, like, two hours later, the fucking steam thing, the tea, it ran out of water. 0.97

00:24:16.600 It just fucking collapsed into a little metal thing. 0.98

00:24:19.680 My wife's like, we got to throw that away. 1.00

00:24:22.200 It's just like, Lisa, it's just like, eee. 0.99

00:24:24.640 And then I had, like, fucking, I fell asleep at a restaurant. 0.99

00:24:30.960 I was taking hash pills. 0.99

00:24:33.380 Yeah.

00:24:34.300 And we were at a restaurant.

00:24:35.280 What do you mean, hash pills?

00:24:36.380 Like, from a fire?

00:24:37.280 Hash.

00:24:37.840 Hash.

00:24:38.420 Oh, hash.

00:24:39.320 Hash pills.

00:24:40.100 Hash pills, yeah.

00:24:41.200 Jesus Christ.

00:24:42.400 Yeah, yeah, no.

00:24:42.980 It was nonstop. 0.99

00:24:44.140 What are you fucking on, dude? 1.00

00:24:45.900 We were fucking, you know, smoking. 1.00

00:24:47.800 I mean, listen, I was going to the weed store every other day. 0.99

00:24:50.600 Wow.

00:24:51.200 And every other day, I'd buy a half ounce.

00:24:54.040 Every other day.

00:24:54.780 Why'd you have to get so high, you think?

00:24:56.820 Just, it was part of the thing.

00:24:58.920 I didn't know.

00:25:00.100 To top it off, I was drinking eight to ten espressos a day, Cuban coffees.

00:25:06.480 What? 1.00

00:25:08.680 Bro, what the fuck? 1.00

00:25:09.920 What direction you want to go, son? 1.00

00:25:12.320 Dog, it was edibles, sleep.

00:25:16.480 Edible.

00:25:17.020 It was stand up, sleep, edibles.

00:25:19.580 It was just too much.

00:25:20.640 Wow.

00:25:21.500 And did you know what you wanted to do at that point?

00:25:23.660 Or were you thinking, like, I don't know what I want to do?

00:25:25.400 Because I remember there was a point right when the pandemic happened, right?

00:25:29.320 After, like, 30, 40 days and not being able to do comedy.

00:25:32.380 First, I'm like, I'll take a little break.

00:25:33.540 It's great.

00:25:34.040 It's great.

00:25:34.560 But then I'm like, I haven't taken a break in my whole life.

00:25:38.140 My whole life.

00:25:38.660 I never made a choice what I wanted to do.

00:25:40.600 I made a choice 20 years ago.

00:25:42.580 And now I'm just still doing that choice.

00:25:44.400 I don't even know what I want to be doing.

00:25:46.240 So there was a time where I was like, I don't even know what I'm, you know, what's going on.

00:25:50.020 You know?

00:25:50.980 I remember that.

00:25:52.320 And then, yeah, for a little bit, I didn't know.

00:25:54.420 Thankfully, I kept podcasting.

00:25:55.760 Yeah, during the pandemic, that's what saved me, was we kept podcasting.

00:26:00.720 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:01.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:26:01.420 Getting fucked up in there at night. 1.00

00:26:03.200 I mean, listen, the podcast started at 7, and we would get there at 6, talk shit, me and Lee, start doing edibles. 0.99

00:26:13.240 And then you would come at 7. 0.99

00:26:14.740 Kick that mule, baby. 1.00

00:26:15.760 And we'd do another hour of chit-chat, bongs, edibles, and then a two-hour podcast.

00:26:21.720 And then after the podcast ended, we'd hang out for another hour.

00:26:25.180 I wasn't getting home till 2 in the morning.

00:26:27.060 Podcast started at 7 o'clock at night.

00:26:28.760 The church, baby. 1.00

00:26:29.720 How the fuck can a podcast be, you know, you're there seven hours for a two-hour fucking podcast? 1.00

00:26:36.220 Two nights a week, and it was constant, you know? 0.99

00:26:39.100 Yeah, I left out of there.

00:26:40.080 They got that set on YouTube somewhere.

00:26:42.940 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:43.700 The night you did the mushrooms, I left out of there.

00:26:45.160 Yeah.

00:26:45.460 We were nonstop.

00:26:46.440 It was, like, fun.

00:26:48.000 The THC scene was growing. 0.98

00:26:49.660 I felt like a damn taquito when I left out of there, brother. 1.00

00:26:51.980 I was fucking cooked up. 0.99

00:26:52.920 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:53.480 You know, the fucking weed scene was growing with us. 1.00

00:26:56.800 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:26:57.160 Wee companies were sticking their hands out. 1.00

00:26:59.700 Edible companies were giving me fucking edibles, then Comedy Chaos. 0.99

00:27:04.080 Who got the most fucked up over the time? 0.98

00:27:06.000 Give me the five people that probably, when they showed up at the church, they definitely, 0.98

00:27:12.640 they got the holiest of water, bro.

00:27:15.980 Who got doused the most up there?

00:27:18.620 I saw a lot of people go through changes.

00:27:20.800 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:21.140 Right in fucking front of me, man. 0.99

00:27:22.720 Oh, yeah, dude. 0.99

00:27:23.080 You could see their eyes, and I'm like, you know. 0.99

00:27:25.600 From spring to fall, a damn solstice right in front of you. 0.99

00:27:28.460 Oh, Sarah Tiana? 1.00

00:27:29.680 Yeah.

00:27:30.160 And I love her.

00:27:31.160 That was not good.

00:27:32.320 Oh, she's great. 0.99

00:27:32.780 That made me feel really bad, you know, because she's the fucking salt of the earth. 0.99

00:27:36.780 I love that girl. 0.99

00:27:37.960 She's so sweet.

00:27:38.920 So funny. 1.00

00:27:39.560 She has a shit now. 1.00

00:27:40.520 There was a lot of shit that people didn't see. 1.00

00:27:42.700 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:43.520 Like, one of the best episodes we did was Stephen Bauer the first time.

00:27:48.560 You know who Stephen Bauer was?

00:27:49.620 The guy from Scarface?

00:27:50.960 No.

00:27:51.220 Did he pass away?

00:27:52.000 No, no, no.

00:27:52.480 He played Manolo.

00:27:53.500 He played Manny.

00:27:54.180 I mean, he was at the store, too.

00:27:55.820 He was going to the store at the end.

00:27:58.440 He came in one time with cargo shorts.

00:28:01.980 Now, you got to remember, it was like here.

00:28:03.360 The cameras are facing me.

00:28:04.940 Yeah.

00:28:05.840 That's the time.

00:28:06.720 He came in with cargo shorts.

00:28:09.880 The camera would face him, and every once in a while, he'd go off camera and take a liquor

00:28:16.760 bottle out of his sock.

00:28:17.820 First, they were in his sock. 1.00

00:28:19.780 I mean, this is classic shit. 0.99

00:28:21.940 He would take them out of his sock first and drink them, and then put them upside down 1.00

00:28:26.140 over here.

00:28:26.740 Yeah.

00:28:27.120 Then there were six empty ones.

00:28:28.540 Wow.

00:28:29.360 Then he started going in his cargo pants.

00:28:31.060 And he would take another bottle out and drink it. 0.99

00:28:34.760 We counted like nine fucking bottles, plus the beer he was drinking. 0.99

00:28:39.040 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:28:39.660 Plus, God knows what else.

00:28:40.980 You know, people were doing that.

00:28:43.080 A guy came on one day. 0.99

00:28:44.300 I forget what the fucking guy's name was. 0.99

00:28:45.780 I haven't spoken to him in like three years. 0.99

00:28:47.300 He disappeared.

00:28:48.120 Was it a Japanese guy?

00:28:49.320 No.

00:28:49.700 He's an Italian guy. 1.00

00:28:50.920 I forget what his fucking name was. 0.99

00:28:52.140 He would come on there and bring bags of pills. 1.00

00:28:57.900 I'm not talking about like a prescription bottle.

00:29:00.360 Like, he'd come in with like, oh, I got these.

00:29:03.080 And then when you take these, like, this is the way he carried the bag.

00:29:06.980 Oh, if you carry a bag.

00:29:07.880 When you took one of these, you did one of these.

00:29:09.880 And then if this don't do it, this don't do it.

00:29:12.540 And he'd give us pills by the hand.

00:29:13.760 I didn't know what they were.

00:29:14.940 We used to just call them happy pills.

00:29:16.360 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:16.820 When you're just eating pills, and you know what the fuck they are. 0.99

00:29:18.880 And I remember I did his podcast once on a Sunday. 1.00

00:29:22.360 And when I got there, they had bags of fucking pills at the studio. 0.99

00:29:26.460 Wow. 0.99

00:29:27.000 And one day I go, you know what? 1.00

00:29:28.180 Give me one of those fucking pills. 1.00

00:29:29.380 This is the Lord's Day. 1.00

00:29:30.200 I got nothing going on. 0.99

00:29:32.200 I was high from 1 o'clock in the afternoon to fucking the next day. 0.99

00:29:37.020 I don't know what type of pill I took. 0.98

00:29:38.420 I don't know what he was giving out that day. 0.99

00:29:39.960 I mean, I was fucked up. 0.99

00:29:41.460 Did it have like a leopard pattern on it? 1.00

00:29:43.940 I have no fucking idea. 0.99

00:29:45.460 I didn't see no leopards. 0.99

00:29:46.640 I didn't see nothing. 1.00

00:29:47.440 Because I took some shit. 1.00

00:29:48.620 But yeah, one time this gay, I don't want to say the dude was gay. 1.00

00:29:51.280 But everybody knew he was gay. 0.95

00:29:52.460 And he knew he was gay.

00:29:53.920 But he gave me a couple somas to drive him somewhere. 0.92

00:29:57.920 Right, dude?

00:29:58.340 He's like, this is the worst idea ever, bro.

00:30:01.180 And RIP, bro. 0.94

00:30:02.220 My boy, Billy Conforto.

00:30:03.660 But he gave me a couple somas to drive him somewhere. 0.92

00:30:07.260 He's like, Dio, bro.

00:30:10.140 Because he looked like Don Flamenco.

00:30:11.560 Remember Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punch Out?

00:30:13.560 Well, this guy was the first homosexual that everybody knew in our area.

00:30:18.060 And he also was a prize.

00:30:19.420 Billy, he was a fighter, too.

00:30:20.880 He grew up boxing, right?

00:30:22.920 And then, so he would get the one with the rose in his mouth.

00:30:27.980 That looks more like him.

00:30:29.080 There you go.

00:30:29.680 That's Billy right there, bro.

00:30:31.000 Okay? 0.99

00:30:31.480 So he fucking goes, Dio, bro, I'll give you a couple somas. 0.99

00:30:35.440 You drive me across the lake, bro. 0.99

00:30:36.860 I was like, all right.

00:30:37.860 I've never taken somas in my life, dude. 0.99

00:30:40.020 So I took two of them bitches, dude. 1.00

00:30:43.820 He went into the service station to get a prepaid phone call or something because he had some domestic issues. 0.99

00:30:50.940 But so he comes back out, bro. 1.00

00:30:52.880 And I fucking, it only been about 12 minutes of taking them bitches. 1.00

00:30:56.060 We start driving, dude. 1.00

00:30:57.540 I took a right turn.

00:30:59.260 And the place didn't even exist, bro. 1.00

00:31:00.800 The fucking road didn't even exist, bro. 0.99

00:31:03.020 Right into the ditch, dude. 1.00

00:31:04.740 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:31:05.900 Bro, he fucking takes my body and moves me over to the passenger seat the cops came. 0.99

00:31:11.460 He went to jail for like four months, dude. 0.99

00:31:15.380 So he's switching it. 1.00

00:31:17.140 Oh, fucking G, bro. 1.00

00:31:19.600 Bless his heart. 1.00

00:31:20.500 Because he knew he put me in that situation.

00:31:22.440 I was a child.

00:31:23.200 He was like an adult, bro.

00:31:25.120 But it was, I was just trying to. 0.99

00:31:26.960 But who gives their drive a fucking two somas, you know? 0.97

00:31:31.300 So just poor pill management, really. 0.99

00:31:33.860 Poor pill management.

00:31:35.200 Yeah, it is. 0.99

00:31:35.920 But damn, that was something, dude. 0.99

00:31:37.920 God. 0.99

00:31:39.580 When I think of some of the times, dude.

00:31:42.320 It scares you.

00:31:43.820 Yeah. 0.99

00:31:44.320 When I think of the times that I drove fucked up, Joey. 0.94

00:31:47.800 When I used to get, I would put both of my feet on the pedals, right? 0.92

00:31:51.580 Because I was too nervous to let one of my feet make all the decisions, right?

00:31:55.940 So I was like, I ain't trusting this one of my feet.

00:31:57.920 I'm going to have both feet down there in case something pops off, right?

00:32:00.840 So I had one on each pedal.

00:32:02.300 But even then, it's like playing a, you know, it's a little bit of driver's ed kind of vibes.

00:32:06.360 It's a, so.

00:32:07.620 And I would be like in a crosswalk and I would be high. 0.99

00:32:10.480 And somebody would be walking through and I'd be like, do not fucking hit the gas, bro. 0.99

00:32:14.940 Just hoping my feet didn't do their own shit and start a new adventure for themselves, you know? 1.00

00:32:19.380 It just got me so, just being so fucked up that you didn't know if you were going to be able to rely on yourself, you know? 1.00

00:32:25.820 That shit was tough, dude. 1.00

00:32:26.860 That's one thing about me I never fucking did. 1.00

00:32:29.500 As crazy as I am, I could do anything. 0.91

00:32:32.380 Like if you say to me, Joey, can we do this?

00:32:34.520 Let's go.

00:32:35.560 I'm not scared of cops, you know.

00:32:37.660 When I was running, I was running, okay?

00:32:39.740 When you're running, you're running.

00:32:41.680 There's one thing I hate doing.

00:32:43.100 I'm drinking and driving.

00:32:46.380 Yeah.

00:32:46.560 Or partying and driving.

00:32:47.800 Listen, I could smoke a joint and drive better than most people. 1.00

00:32:51.520 The other shit, I cannot drink and drive. 0.99

00:32:54.680 It won't let me. 1.00

00:32:55.460 My body shuts down.

00:32:56.860 Because I know I could talk to a cop, but if I'm drinking, I can't talk to him.

00:33:01.700 Because he's got me.

00:33:02.620 I'm guilty.

00:33:03.340 I'm guilty. 0.99

00:33:03.720 I'm not going to fucking try to tell him I have one drink. 0.96

00:33:06.380 That's why I won't even have one drink when I go out. 0.98

00:33:09.000 The fear of a cop pulling me over and asking me, were you drinking?

00:33:12.740 Yeah.

00:33:13.100 And then I got to go, yeah.

00:33:14.260 And then he gets me out of the car. 0.99

00:33:15.680 And then I got to do the fucking 10 steps. 0.99

00:33:18.020 So before I go through all that shit, you know, and we didn't have Ubers. 0.99

00:33:22.060 You know, I didn't have an Uber. 0.99

00:33:23.260 Now, fucking great to get high. 0.99

00:33:25.460 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:25.700 You can do whatever the fuck you want now. 0.99

00:33:27.480 Yeah. 0.97

00:33:27.760 People don't understand what that was like, not having an Uber. 1.00

00:33:30.260 Shit. 1.00

00:33:30.740 You had to get high. 1.00

00:33:31.560 Say if you wanted to leave a place, you had to fucking walk off. 1.00

00:33:33.880 Walk or fucking run or fucking go through the weeds or some shit. 0.99

00:33:38.720 You know, my thing was, I'm still very grateful that in all those years, nothing happened bad on the road. 0.99

00:33:47.820 And, bro, I was in situations where, you know, a lot of shit could have happened drug-wise. 0.89

00:33:55.020 One time in Beaumont, like when I think of nights that I could have died, it's Beaumont. 0.98

00:34:02.340 Beaumont for reals. 0.99

00:34:03.540 I fucking OD'd on Valium. 0.99

00:34:06.060 Really? 1.00

00:34:06.820 You could OD on the sunset there.

00:34:08.220 It's a beautiful area.

00:34:08.900 I couldn't talk for three days.

00:34:11.280 I had to go to a hotel room.

00:34:13.080 My face was dragging.

00:34:14.260 It's like I had a palsy face.

00:34:16.300 Yeah.

00:34:16.700 Couldn't go home.

00:34:17.620 Couldn't get on a plane. 0.98

00:34:19.080 I blew my whole check in a hotel in Houston fucking coming down, hiding from people. 0.99

00:34:23.760 Drinking Gatorades. 0.99

00:34:25.100 You know, yeah.

00:34:26.120 It's so many things could have happened.

00:34:29.300 Yeah.

00:34:29.800 All those weeks in Miami doing drugs.

00:34:32.420 Houston.

00:34:33.540 Oh. 1.00

00:34:34.140 You know, Houston was fucking, you came to Houston to lose your mind. 1.00

00:34:38.700 And do comedy. 1.00

00:34:39.400 That was part of it.

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00:36:40.000 Don't blend in with the crowd.

00:36:41.620 Stand out with Chubby's. 1.00

00:36:45.100 That's a fucking... 1.00

00:36:45.980 I had a friend. 0.99

00:36:46.700 No, he wasn't a friend.

00:36:47.640 When I was like 24, there was an old guy that hung out at one of the bars.

00:36:51.920 Oh, yeah.

00:36:52.580 And he would just drink and then throw punches in the air.

00:36:55.120 Yeah.

00:36:56.000 And say, you're talking to me.

00:36:57.200 And he would throw punches.

00:36:58.420 You know. 1.00

00:36:59.680 You know, the whole fucking thing. 1.00

00:37:00.940 Oh, yeah, dude. 1.00

00:37:01.880 So I'm doing coke in this bar.

00:37:03.320 And every day he'd talk to himself. 1.00

00:37:05.380 Yeah, I'll fucking kick your ass. 1.00

00:37:07.120 And he'd throw jabs. 1.00

00:37:08.360 And one day I asked the bartender, what's up with this fucking guy? 0.99

00:37:10.820 He goes, you don't know Johnny Reed? 1.00

00:37:12.100 I go, nah.

00:37:12.760 You know, it was 1984.

00:37:13.760 I'm a kid.

00:37:14.820 I don't know Johnny Reed.

00:37:15.840 He goes, I go, is he crazy?

00:37:17.440 He goes, you don't know what he did? 0.67

00:37:18.760 I go, nah.

00:37:19.240 He goes, he tried to kill himself. 0.96

00:37:21.160 Jumped out of a building and landed in a garbage dumpster. 0.97

00:37:23.940 And he just bopped his head. 1.00

00:37:26.160 So now he's fucked up. 0.99

00:37:27.220 He would get a check from the government on the first. 0.99

00:37:29.360 And he would just give it to the bartender.

00:37:31.040 And say, tell me when it's over.

00:37:33.620 By the 18th, he'd be broke. 0.99

00:37:35.360 And he'd be in there fucking arguing with the bartender. 0.99

00:37:38.160 And I locked him in the bathroom one day. 0.99

00:37:40.680 Dog, I locked him in the bathroom at 2.30 in the afternoon.

00:37:43.300 Yeah.

00:37:43.960 Because in Jersey, the bathroom's locked from the outside.

00:37:46.560 He was driving us crazy, talking about boxing.

00:37:49.220 1964.

00:37:49.920 I took him to the body.

00:37:51.140 And we're like, Johnny, knock it off.

00:37:52.780 He went into the bathroom.

00:37:53.780 I can't take Johnny no more.

00:37:54.960 We locked him.

00:37:55.800 We left.

00:37:56.880 We leave.

00:37:57.840 Oh, you got him.

00:37:58.460 I came back at 9.

00:38:00.080 I go to the bathroom.

00:38:01.220 He's still in the bathroom locked.

00:38:03.040 He came in.

00:38:03.600 He's like, woo.

00:38:04.240 That's the noise he made when I opened the door.

00:38:06.100 He goes, woo. 1.00

00:38:07.180 This guy used to fuck. 1.00

00:38:08.840 And we'd give him a. 1.00

00:38:09.700 Then towards the end, I would go, Johnny, you ever do coke?

00:38:11.960 Yeah.

00:38:13.000 I'd give him a line of coke.

00:38:14.280 And that would put his emburism, whatever craziness he had,

00:38:17.760 he'd go even worse.

00:38:19.100 And I still remember giving him a line of coke like a two in the morning,

00:38:22.080 like a bump.

00:38:22.780 Yeah.

00:38:23.100 And then being in the car at 5, going to the city to get coke,

00:38:26.640 and seeing him walking over the George Washington Bridge, 0.99

00:38:29.800 throwing fucking laughs. 0.99

00:38:31.140 And I'm like, oh, my God. 1.00

00:38:32.280 We can't give that motherfucker lines no more. 1.00

00:38:35.200 And then I cracked him one day. 1.00

00:38:36.420 I just showed him my dick. 1.00

00:38:37.520 Yeah. 1.00

00:38:37.920 I put it on the stool next to him.

00:38:39.560 Oh, yeah.

00:38:40.180 And he was right on the stool.

00:38:41.300 And he's like, and I go, Johnny.

00:38:42.300 He goes, what?

00:38:43.360 And I go, look at this.

00:38:44.180 And he goes, wow. 0.99

00:38:45.500 And he just fucking, he just watched the basketball game. 0.99

00:38:49.060 He goes, wow. 1.00

00:38:49.920 And he just said, I'm like, fucking dying. 0.99

00:38:52.280 Only Johnny could do this. 0.99

00:38:53.880 I've been asking about him.

00:38:55.440 What happened to him? 0.85

00:38:56.080 He's got to be dead by now. 1.00

00:38:57.200 He was 50, 60 when that shit in the 80s. 1.00

00:39:00.340 Dude, we had a guy. 0.99

00:39:01.800 We had this dude, Mr. Dennis.

00:39:03.780 And everybody just called him Danny, right?

00:39:05.160 This guy in our neighborhood.

00:39:06.080 He kind of like, he was just like an adult, right?

00:39:08.760 But he had this son named Rocky was his son, right?

00:39:11.640 And so Rocky was like, I don't know if something was wrong with him,

00:39:16.080 but something was pretty much wrong with him, right?

00:39:18.960 Like, he just wasn't, you couldn't really rely on him.

00:39:22.620 Like, if you told him something, it didn't matter because he didn't really know, like,

00:39:26.920 what was going on a lot of times, right?

00:39:28.580 So you wouldn't share, like, a lot of information with him. 1.00

00:39:30.800 But Rocky had a fucking cock on him, right? 1.00

00:39:33.500 So one time we're all outside and Mr. Denny goes, Rocky, show him that cock, right? 1.00

00:39:37.180 His own son, dude. 1.00

00:39:38.120 And we're all like, what the fuck, dude? 1.00

00:39:39.820 And Rocky fucking showed that cock, bro. 1.00

00:39:42.560 And everybody was like, damn, Rocky's got that cock on him, bro. 1.00

00:39:46.400 And then after that, it would always, like, any time that Mr. Denny was around, 1.00

00:39:51.100 he would be like, Rocky, show him that cock, huh? 1.00

00:39:53.260 And Rocky would fucking get his cock out. 1.00

00:39:55.940 Now, Rocky wasn't all there. 1.00

00:39:57.900 No, he wasn't all there, bro.

00:39:58.620 He was missing a couple bricks, yeah, yeah.

00:40:00.320 Yeah, yeah, he was definitely, but he was like, you know, he was healthy enough. 0.99

00:40:03.940 Like, he could enjoy Christmas and shit, you know? 0.71

00:40:06.200 It wasn't like he was like, you know, like, you got to keep him in the back or whatever. 0.85

00:40:10.480 He was definitely like, you know, he was a cool guy. 0.92

00:40:13.580 Like, you could play games with him and shit. 0.98

00:40:15.560 Like, it wasn't like he was like, he just wasn't real bright and his mouth was always wet, you know? 1.00

00:40:20.860 But the dad would be like, Rocky, show him that cock. 1.00

00:40:23.040 Show him that dick. 1.00

00:40:24.080 Yeah, show him that cock, Rocky. 1.00

00:40:25.920 Because most of those, like, mentally challenged, like, retards, they got big dicks. 1.00

00:40:30.020 Yeah. 1.00

00:40:30.460 And they're horny, too. 1.00

00:40:31.760 They'll fuck you to death. 1.00

00:40:33.100 Oh, dude. 1.00

00:40:33.880 They'll re-calk your living room, dude, them boys. 0.99

00:40:35.920 I saw a fucking, I was up at a, in Salem, Oregon one time. 0.99

00:40:40.540 Eugene. 0.99

00:40:42.040 And it was a, whatever, Special Olympian Convention at the hotel.

00:40:47.240 We were doing comedy.

00:40:48.160 Mm-hmm.

00:40:48.720 Not good. 1.00

00:40:50.160 And I was working with a feature act who had huge tits with cleavage. 1.00

00:40:54.720 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:40:55.040 And she was on stage.

00:40:55.860 And one of the kids was walking by. 0.99

00:40:58.100 And he saw her tits. 1.00

00:40:59.240 And he started making, he started making noises. 0.99

00:41:02.140 Yeah, just doing the boden. 0.99

00:41:03.780 You think I'm fucking kidding you. 0.98

00:41:04.840 I was watching the whole thing go down. 0.99

00:41:06.380 And I'm watching this kid.

00:41:07.560 Why is he going crazy? 1.00

00:41:08.520 He was looking at her tits. 1.00

00:41:09.780 And there was two fucking big black guys, like, University of Oregon football players 1.00

00:41:14.340 that work in security. 0.99

00:41:16.280 There was a point they couldn't contain him.

00:41:18.180 Yeah.

00:41:18.600 He was just going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:41:19.960 And they had to fucking tackle him. 0.98

00:41:21.580 He was pushing the brothers out of the way. 1.00

00:41:23.400 I was like, this fucking, because they're strong, too. 1.00

00:41:26.520 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:41:27.300 Oh, definitely.

00:41:28.100 They're strong, too.

00:41:28.980 So you got to be careful. 1.00

00:41:29.780 They'll hold you down and fuck you to death with that big fucking special Olympian dick. 1.00

00:41:35.880 You're going to have some problems, dog. 1.00

00:41:38.160 Yeah, you can't let them pet an animal for too long.

00:41:40.540 That's for sure, brother. 1.00

00:41:41.740 That shit will escalate. 1.00

00:41:42.400 Escalate. 1.00

00:41:44.580 Dude, what was I seeing?

00:41:46.340 What was that thing in the news I just saw that they found?

00:41:52.520 Well, now I'm starting to think that more people will have conditions, right?

00:41:57.780 Because they're having, they just found like plastics.

00:42:00.520 What was it?

00:42:01.540 You see that thing? 0.98

00:42:02.780 Microplastics have been found in human testicles. 0.97

00:42:05.500 Yeah. 0.94

00:42:06.200 Bring that up, dude.

00:42:07.820 I mean, Joey, this is the kind of stuff, brother.

00:42:09.840 You're lucky you have a healthy, two healthy daughters.

00:42:14.280 You know, this is the kind of stuff, man, that's happening now.

00:42:17.880 In 2024, microplastics are starting to look a lot like cigarettes did in the early 1960s,

00:42:23.460 a poorly understood health hazard in dire need of better study and regulation.

00:42:28.140 The latest bad news on microplastics in human health emerged last week

00:42:32.260 when a study from researchers at the University of New Mexico examined 47 canine and 23 human testes.

00:42:38.800 Nuts or body nuts taken from neutering operations and condivers, respectively. 0.85

00:42:44.120 All of those testicles had microplastics inside of them. 1.00

00:42:48.380 So it's just like, what's going to, what, like, you know, what is that causing, bro? 0.91

00:42:54.240 If you got, you know, what kind of effects can happen?

00:42:58.360 Does it say they've already been found in our bloodstream and in other human organs,

00:43:01.980 such as the liver, the heart, and the lungs?

00:43:03.720 I just, you start to wonder what happens when that gets into your brain.

00:43:09.240 Does that make more if a kid's got plastic in his head or whatever?

00:43:13.580 Listen, bro, there's so many things going on right now. 0.99

00:43:18.160 You know, there's so many fucking things. 0.99

00:43:21.260 You know, look at this. 1.00

00:43:22.780 The pandemic opened up, you know, with the fucking shots and the mental health. 1.00

00:43:27.280 It just opened up a variety of fucking, of everything. 0.99

00:43:30.980 Everybody's speeding up for some reason. 1.00

00:43:32.280 I got a fucking hernia. 0.99

00:43:33.740 I lost weight and all of a sudden I had this bump. 1.00

00:43:36.640 I got a fucking hernia. 1.00

00:43:37.960 You know, who the fuck knows? 1.00

00:43:39.660 Who the fuck knows what they're putting in food anymore? 1.00

00:43:43.360 You know, you don't know what you're really eating. 1.00

00:43:46.240 You know, fucking vegetables. 1.00

00:43:48.180 Fruit tastes like shit sometimes. 1.00

00:43:50.100 It tastes good to others. 1.00

00:43:51.040 It doesn't even taste like fruit sometimes. 1.00

00:43:52.140 No, no, guys, it's a different fucking world. 0.99

00:43:57.360 And, you know, try to make a doctor's appointment now. 0.99

00:43:59.940 Possible.

00:44:00.840 It's, you know, try to get a hard, try to make a hard appointment. 0.98

00:44:05.160 They'll tell you, like if you call today, they'll go, yeah, fucking July 8th. 0.98

00:44:09.340 Yeah. 1.00

00:44:09.640 Because that fucking, the fucking needle fucked everybody's heart up, you know. 1.00

00:44:16.720 There's a ton of shit going on. 1.00

00:44:18.920 God knows. 1.00

00:44:19.880 They're not telling me. 1.00

00:44:20.620 They don't tell you shit, man. 0.99

00:44:22.140 Has it always been like that or do you think it's happening more than ever? 0.99

00:44:25.980 Do you feel like it's always been like that in life?

00:44:27.920 I think it's always been like that, but we have the internet now and 20,000 media outlets.

00:44:35.140 Yeah.

00:44:35.900 Yeah, that's true.

00:44:36.880 We have so much information. 0.99

00:44:39.040 Listen, this metal, this fucking heart, the disease, I think the biggest thing I'm looking at is I've never seen mental health like this. 0.99

00:44:49.880 I know people. 0.99

00:44:50.600 I grew up with people and I talk to them now and they're not the same fucking person. 0.99

00:44:54.620 Yeah. 0.92

00:44:55.220 And I know I'm not the same person.

00:44:56.760 I know the pandemic or whatever, the 30 years of comedy, you know, getting hit in the head. 0.99

00:45:01.360 Who the fuck knows? 0.98

00:45:02.240 But right now, man, you have, did you see like the last 10 years to rise and everybody's a politician now? 0.99

00:45:11.480 Anywhere you go, people want to talk to you about politics. 0.99

00:45:14.100 I've never seen like, men, don't even want to talk about pussy no more. 0.99

00:45:17.600 But what do you think? 0.99

00:45:18.500 Like, you know, it's too much information.

00:45:21.320 And that pandemic fucked us up because what were you doing? 1.00

00:45:24.760 Listen to music or watching TV, waiting for the next fucking handjob. 1.00

00:45:28.820 After the pandemic, I never watched world news ever again. 1.00

00:45:33.420 Yeah.

00:45:33.580 I'm an American.

00:45:34.880 I want to watch for that 630.

00:45:36.500 I was raised on them. 0.95

00:45:38.100 I don't watch anymore because they're just scaring white people. 0.94

00:45:40.960 Yeah. 0.96

00:45:41.340 That's all they're doing.

00:45:42.360 They're giving you selective news.

00:45:44.140 I don't believe anything no more.

00:45:46.020 I just live my life. 0.87

00:45:48.080 And I fucking tried my best to decipher what's getting thrown at you all day. 0.96

00:45:52.900 Yeah. 0.98

00:45:53.420 But the mental health, I think right now, and this is what it's got to be.

00:45:57.640 It's the internet. 0.99

00:45:58.660 It's the fucking, you know, everybody's a celebrity now. 1.00

00:46:01.960 We're living in a world where everybody's a fucking celebrity now. 1.00

00:46:05.040 You go to a fucking movie theater now, they got poster boards for you to take pictures of. 1.00

00:46:09.220 Everybody's a fucking celebrity. 1.00

00:46:10.820 I've never seen a world like this. 1.00

00:46:12.740 I got at restaurants by my house on Thursday nights.

00:46:15.200 You can't pull up.

00:46:16.420 Yeah.

00:46:16.580 Can't pull up. 1.00

00:46:18.080 Lamborghinis, Ferraris, to go to a fucking restaurant. 1.00

00:46:20.840 Everybody's a fucking celebrity. 1.00

00:46:22.260 The other half, we're fighting for our fucking lives. 1.00

00:46:25.340 And then they keep putting this shit at you. 1.00

00:46:28.280 Every day, you put the news on in the afternoon or whatever. 1.00

00:46:32.720 The Trump hush deal, this, that.

00:46:35.080 It's constant.

00:46:36.120 It's always in your face.

00:46:37.800 And if you're going to, you get sucked in by it.

00:46:39.620 Yeah.

00:46:39.860 I'm telling you, I've seen the people.

00:46:41.940 We're getting thrown so much information at us anymore.

00:46:45.340 It's so much. 0.99

00:46:47.380 Fucking, somewhere along the line, you got to crack. 0.99

00:46:50.300 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:51.220 Yeah, it's too much, man.

00:46:52.880 I just missed like a simpler time too, man.

00:46:55.700 God, remember how much fun it was, dude?

00:46:57.400 This is simple.

00:46:58.120 Nobody had a phone.

00:46:59.620 You went out.

00:47:00.340 Nobody get a hold of you.

00:47:02.220 We used to go, bro.

00:47:03.260 I remember we'd go to Howard Johnson's, bro.

00:47:05.620 Remember Howard Johnson's? 1.00

00:47:06.740 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:47:07.420 Bring up a fucking Howard Johnson's. 1.00

00:47:08.600 They had that short water taffy. 1.00

00:47:10.760 Show them that cock, Rocky. 1.00

00:47:12.180 Oh, show them that cock, Rocky. 1.00

00:47:14.960 Bring up a Howard Johnson's, bro. 0.98

00:47:15.980 I think there's still a Howard Johnson's by me on Route 3.

00:47:18.900 I hope there is, dude.

00:47:20.780 Howard Johnson's.

00:47:21.780 My mom, when I was like five, we would go, she would drop us off there to meet my grandparents

00:47:28.360 or whatever.

00:47:29.580 And we didn't know our, like, and they would have, oh, they used to have, and we'd have

00:47:35.220 like a nice meal there.

00:47:36.700 It'd be nice, bro.

00:47:38.140 They had the bathroom that had the little, you ever go with, like, you ever go to a bathroom,

00:47:42.500 but it has a little room before you get in the bathroom.

00:47:44.560 It's like, you open the door, and then you're just in like a little bitty room, and then

00:47:47.360 there's another door, and that's the bathroom.

00:47:49.680 It's like, the room's like three feet by three feet.

00:47:51.780 You know what I'm saying?

00:47:52.340 You open that.

00:47:52.900 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:47:53.220 They had that shit, dude. 1.00

00:47:54.260 We never even seen that. 1.00

00:47:55.540 Like a little.

00:47:55.760 How many Howard Johnson's possibly left?

00:47:58.340 I don't know.

00:48:01.000 Dude, Shoney's in, bro.

00:48:02.500 Oh, I remember, for $11, you could stay at the place, right?

00:48:06.080 For $15, you could stay and eat, right?

00:48:09.300 So it was that $4 upcharge.

00:48:11.060 You got that buffet.

00:48:12.060 Shoney's had an inn, and we would go, bro, and they also had this, like, premier buffet

00:48:18.240 for, like, two more dollars.

00:48:19.640 You could go. 0.99

00:48:20.160 They had, like, this kind of roped-off area of the buffet, and down there, they had fucking 0.99

00:48:24.260 salmon or whatever, you know, damn, you know, special pickles, salmon, honeydew. 0.99

00:48:30.340 Special pickles. 0.99

00:48:30.980 Honeydew melon. 1.00

00:48:31.720 Like, I never, shit, you'd never seen fucking gay watermelon, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:48:35.380 They had all the special shit down there, like black pudding or whatever. 1.00

00:48:40.260 They had all the shit down there. 1.00

00:48:42.040 The Reeboks were on sale. 0.99

00:48:43.500 They had, like, this special area of the buffet, but it was, like, roped off unless you got the

00:48:50.180 premier edition or whatever.

00:48:52.140 But, dude, we would go there, bro.

00:48:53.960 It was so nice, dude. 0.98

00:48:55.840 When you were a kid, all that shit's nice until you got old, and you're like, why am I eating 1.00

00:48:59.620 this shit? 1.00

00:49:00.080 I'm going to fucking die. 1.00

00:49:02.740 Look at the people around me. 1.00

00:49:04.460 Look what they look like.

00:49:05.500 And here I am with them about to die.

00:49:08.940 And that's anywhere.

00:49:10.180 Any of those chains? 1.00

00:49:11.680 That fucking country crock? 1.00

00:49:14.080 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:49:14.600 What's that one?

00:49:15.500 Oh, Cracker Barrel.

00:49:16.620 Cracker Barrel. 0.85

00:49:17.380 You'll die. 1.00

00:49:18.540 You'll fucking die in one of those places. 1.00

00:49:21.040 There's, like, ten of those fucking joints that you're eating in. 1.00

00:49:24.280 And you're like, you know what? 0.99

00:49:25.440 What's the place that they have the chocolate fountain? 0.81

00:49:28.180 Oh, uh.

00:49:28.980 They have one in Burbank.

00:49:30.820 Memphis?

00:49:31.480 No.

00:49:31.760 No, no, no.

00:49:33.440 No.

00:49:34.320 There's an all-you-can-eat buffet in Burbank. 0.99

00:49:37.300 Oh, damn. 0.99

00:49:37.740 It's a chain. 1.00

00:49:38.520 It's a chain.

00:49:39.160 And they advertise.

00:49:41.100 Oh, you're talking about Shakey's Pizza?

00:49:42.740 No, not that either.

00:49:44.140 We used to do comedy in Shakey's Pizza in Seattle.

00:49:46.340 Did you?

00:49:46.720 One night.

00:49:47.260 They had, like, a Wednesday night.

00:49:48.280 My buddy got leprosy at one of those places. 1.00

00:49:51.160 He fucking got leprosy. 0.99

00:49:52.960 Oh, he-this guy would get everything, bro. 1.00

00:49:54.780 He's a real susceptible fella.

00:49:56.360 Golden Corral.

00:49:57.600 Golden Corral. 1.00

00:49:58.440 That's a fucking place right there. 1.00

00:49:59.960 Oh, you'll die. 1.00

00:50:01.180 Oh.

00:50:01.720 There's a lot of-

00:50:02.280 And I see people eating fish at those places.

00:50:04.580 You just want to go over to them and go, listen, here's a good mortician.

00:50:08.520 So when they lay out your body, they can take that salmon out.

00:50:11.540 Salmon, shrimp.

00:50:13.360 And I don't think-there's no buffets anymore.

00:50:15.540 No.

00:50:16.260 Right?

00:50:16.560 Since the pandemic?

00:50:17.140 I mean, I think, well, people are still doing them, but it's definitely more of a risque type of thing.

00:50:23.000 It's kind of, like, the only fans of, like, the dinner community, I feel like.

00:50:26.320 Like, if you see a buffet, it's-it almost feels like it's prohibition or something.

00:50:31.480 Like, you should-you know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:50:32.480 Like, it's a fucking speakeasy, you know? 0.99

00:50:36.480 When you go to those places and you look around and you're like- 0.99

00:50:39.100 Like, I went to-I went to fucking-where did I go? 0.95

00:50:43.340 I went to Kentucky, Paducah. 0.99

00:50:46.340 Yeah.

00:50:46.940 My brother-in-law lives in Paducah.

00:50:48.440 I love my in-laws.

00:50:50.020 It's my niece's birthday.

00:50:51.560 I love her.

00:50:52.160 But I can't go to Paducah because they take me to this restaurant and they put cheddar cheese on everything.

00:50:59.200 They put it on oatmeal, on cereal.

00:51:02.380 I mean, whatever you order, they put a handful of that communist cheddar cheese.

00:51:07.320 It's worse than the one the government sends you.

00:51:10.360 And I'm eating the one night with my wife because my wife brought it home to me the one night. 0.55

00:51:15.540 She's like, we're going to go over here and eat.

00:51:17.260 You could stay there and I'll just bring you a thing.

00:51:19.180 And I ate it and it wasn't bad.

00:51:20.340 It was like a steak.

00:51:21.720 Just a couple pieces of meat.

00:51:22.760 It wasn't bad.

00:51:23.240 The next night I went, I'm like, yeah, that play, I'm excited.

00:51:26.340 Let's go.

00:51:26.780 And we went there and I'm looking at these people and everybody's ankles were swollen.

00:51:32.320 They all had a diabetic foot.

00:51:33.920 Oh, yeah.

00:51:34.720 Everybody.

00:51:35.080 It's like going to a Yankee game.

00:51:36.280 I went to a Yankee game two years ago.

00:51:38.780 I was sitting next to a lady. 1.00

00:51:40.320 Her foot was purple. 0.99

00:51:41.760 And what this bitch do is she put like a blue tattoo on it to throw the color off of the diabetic foot. 1.00

00:51:47.100 I'm like, when does it end? 1.00

00:51:48.500 Fucking Don Fattingly, dude. 0.99

00:51:50.500 And she's sitting there eating beer, drinking beer. 1.00

00:51:53.460 If you're eating beer, I've seen a woman over there eating beer with a spoon. 1.00

00:51:57.340 You know, them bitches are going downhill. 1.00

00:51:59.220 It was a fucking nightmare. 1.00

00:52:00.320 When I see a diabetic foot at a restaurant, I got to go. 1.00

00:52:03.680 Yeah.

00:52:04.380 Or a fat ankle like that.

00:52:05.980 When I looked around this restaurant, Paducah, everybody's ankles were swollen.

00:52:09.440 I'm like, dog, I'm done.

00:52:11.260 I'm on the plane tomorrow.

00:52:12.480 You got to go.

00:52:14.060 Yeah, you get to some.

00:52:15.100 It is true.

00:52:15.800 I think it's important.

00:52:16.720 You got to look around and see who's in the joint. 1.00

00:52:18.940 Who's in this fucking joint? 1.00

00:52:20.040 Right. 1.00

00:52:20.340 Look at these people. 0.97

00:52:21.280 They're going to die.

00:52:22.900 Because sometimes it is.

00:52:24.020 It's just cat.

00:52:24.720 It's like people that are almost just like cattle that don't want to.

00:52:28.940 Yeah, that can't even breathe that good or read. 1.00

00:52:31.700 You'll see people like on like on Oxygen, you know, sneaking in a fucking. 0.99

00:52:37.380 When you go in there. 0.99

00:52:38.080 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:38.440 Sneaking in a little hit of pie or something.

00:52:41.120 While they're eating or smoking a cigarette. 1.00

00:52:42.740 They don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:52:44.100 They don't give a fuck, man. 1.00

00:52:46.420 And it's like I get nervous in those places. 1.00

00:52:48.960 Like I'm going to die.

00:52:50.040 Yeah.

00:52:50.860 Yeah, there's just a lot of bad food out there.

00:52:52.920 And I think it's gotten more to the place now.

00:52:54.840 You have to take care of yourself because the government or whatever, whatever we thought, 0.99

00:52:58.680 the FDA, that shit's all been compromised, bro. 0.99

00:53:01.800 That's compromised. 1.00

00:53:02.320 You show up with an envelope and they'll approve anything. 1.00

00:53:04.440 Those motherfuckers. 1.00

00:53:05.440 You know, they don't give a fuck anymore. 1.00

00:53:07.120 Bro, you could have damn menthol bread pudding, bro. 1.00

00:53:09.680 Those motherfuckers will approve it, dude. 1.00

00:53:11.040 You know, it's like going on Instagram. 1.00

00:53:12.420 They sell every get well cure.

00:53:14.480 Yeah.

00:53:14.840 On Instagram.

00:53:15.680 Like who would buy, you know, and it's constant.

00:53:18.660 Look at your Instagram.

00:53:19.640 It's like bodybuilding, recuperation, testosterone.

00:53:23.540 Yeah. 0.99

00:53:23.720 I'm going to buy testosterone online from some fucking guy I don't know. 1.00

00:53:27.200 It is crazy. 1.00

00:53:28.340 Eyebrow loss.

00:53:29.180 They have eyebrows.

00:53:29.900 Like what are you even doing?

00:53:30.900 Yeah.

00:53:30.960 No, man.

00:53:31.600 Yeah, poor vision.

00:53:32.540 Missing grandparents. 1.00

00:53:33.680 You're like, who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:53:35.560 Missing grandparents. 1.00

00:53:36.700 For $40 a month.

00:53:39.140 You're like, what even am I paying for? 1.00

00:53:42.220 It's just some of this shit. 0.99

00:53:43.380 Yeah, it's like everything is for sale. 1.00

00:53:45.140 It doesn't matter.

00:53:46.480 Everything.

00:53:46.880 You sit there and you go, all these products.

00:53:49.160 I like when somebody goes on Rogan and they talk about a product.

00:53:53.180 And then you go on Instagram two weeks later and they're talking on Rogan about the product.

00:53:57.040 And they're selling it just because Rogan was in it.

00:54:00.160 And it's like, guys, when does it end?

00:54:02.960 Like using the clips, you mean?

00:54:04.180 Yeah, like using the clips.

00:54:05.560 Like it's just so.

00:54:08.080 It's dirty.

00:54:09.420 Yeah, it's just changed a lot.

00:54:11.320 We've just gotten to where everything is an advertisement.

00:54:15.280 You know, everything is for sale.

00:54:16.860 I mean, if you look at it even with like a lot of young men aren't having sex anymore.

00:54:21.260 A lot of women are selling their bodies on only face. 1.00

00:54:24.080 It's like there's nobody holding anything, you know. 1.00

00:54:27.160 It used to be you had to go at least tickle somebody to get some pussy, you know. 1.00

00:54:32.120 It was like. 0.99

00:54:32.660 Go to a bar.

00:54:33.320 Talk to them.

00:54:34.100 Yeah. 0.96

00:54:34.280 Take them out the dead. 0.98

00:54:34.820 At least lie to them. 0.95

00:54:36.020 Work the angle.

00:54:37.080 You know what I'm saying?

00:54:37.680 Yeah.

00:54:37.820 There's always an angle.

00:54:38.860 I don't know.

00:54:39.900 I'm still recovering from my own boyfriend.

00:54:42.020 Let's do some coke and talk about it.

00:54:43.460 Yeah. 0.99

00:54:44.180 There's always fucking something. 0.98

00:54:46.440 But it's just different now. 0.98

00:54:47.900 We've forgotten with, listen, man, we've forgotten a lot of things.

00:54:54.080 Yeah.

00:54:54.440 Things are getting right away from us.

00:54:56.760 You know, I was really opposed to texting for years.

00:54:59.920 I remember that.

00:55:00.920 That's why I even called you yesterday.

00:55:02.200 Really opposed to it.

00:55:03.400 Now I'll do it.

00:55:05.440 But I didn't like it because it takes away our connection, man.

00:55:09.020 I want to hear your voice.

00:55:10.480 You can tell me whatever you wanted to text.

00:55:12.580 Theo, how you doing?

00:55:13.400 I'm doing great.

00:55:14.240 I picked up an envelope.

00:55:15.980 Theo, how you doing, man?

00:55:17.040 So I don't, that's why I didn't like it.

00:55:19.300 Yeah.

00:55:19.600 That's why I didn't like it.

00:55:20.520 Because what they're doing is creating a society that separates us even more.

00:55:25.440 You know what I can't see Theo now?

00:55:27.200 So we'll just Zoom once a week.

00:55:29.520 Let's Zoom. 1.00

00:55:30.180 Get in a fucking plane and come see me. 1.00

00:55:32.860 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:33.320 We're doing everything we can to separate.

00:55:35.940 And I always hated that.

00:55:37.560 I understood the pandemic.

00:55:39.120 I got it.

00:55:40.320 But we need each other.

00:55:41.380 It's like, I'm going to tell you something interesting.

00:55:44.600 Pandemic started. 1.00

00:55:45.480 I was fucked up. 1.00

00:55:47.180 I'm going to tell you something. 1.00

00:55:48.040 You're not going to believe this.

00:55:49.700 I started doing better going in.

00:55:52.320 And once I was there a year, August 19th of 2021, I was a little better.

00:55:58.980 I was still withdrawing from the Xanax.

00:56:01.420 I was having some issues.

00:56:02.800 But I did something that before I did the knee operation, because I went back and my knee 0.98

00:56:09.300 went to shit as soon as I landed, like three weeks later, because I was going to cryo every 0.97

00:56:13.380 day in California. 1.00

00:56:14.840 But once I landed here in the pandemic, there was no more fucking cryo. 0.99

00:56:17.840 Oh, there's no cryo. 0.99

00:56:18.680 There was nothing. 1.00

00:56:19.200 So my knee went to shit. 0.99

00:56:21.160 I got surgery. 1.00

00:56:22.240 I went.

00:56:22.780 And one day I was going for a ride, and I saw a jujitsu school, a Gracie jujitsu school

00:56:26.520 by my house.

00:56:27.960 And I went in there. 0.99

00:56:30.320 And I was scared shit. 0.96

00:56:31.760 It's December. 0.97

00:56:33.020 COVID's been around not even a year, you know. 0.99

00:56:35.720 But people are still, like, not touching each other and shit. 0.98

00:56:39.480 And they're like, nah, we're doing great here. 0.99

00:56:41.260 We only had to close one time.

00:56:43.220 But when I left there, I had a doctor's appointment, like, a week later.

00:56:46.900 And then he told me I had to have knee surgery.

00:56:48.640 So I didn't go back to that school.

00:56:50.560 I never went back to talk to him.

00:56:51.840 And then one day I got a call.

00:56:53.320 And it's the guy, the brown belt at the school.

00:56:55.560 His name is Sean.

00:56:56.820 He's like, I just want to check in with you.

00:56:58.140 I go, dog, after I saw you, I got knee surgery, so it'll be a while.

00:57:02.700 This guy kept calling me and not selling.

00:57:05.700 He wasn't selling.

00:57:07.560 He was just being a nice kid going, if you want to come in and move a little bit, it'd just

00:57:12.120 be me and you.

00:57:12.900 Man, nobody will bother you.

00:57:14.200 Right.

00:57:14.760 We'll work on stuff.

00:57:15.880 And I was like, I don't know. 0.99

00:57:17.640 Fucking jujitsu. 0.98

00:57:20.300 I went to jujitsu the same day that the Soprano movie premiered. 0.99

00:57:24.200 It was September 21st of 2021.

00:57:27.580 And I remember I walked in there.

00:57:28.820 I had to cancel the first two.

00:57:30.480 Like, I canceled two classes.

00:57:32.460 Finally, I go, next Wednesday.

00:57:33.900 Now it's Wednesday.

00:57:35.660 And I'll never forget going in there. 1.00

00:57:36.960 We did some shit. 0.99

00:57:37.900 And then he goes, just roll with me for a minute. 1.00

00:57:39.640 And I remember leaving that and going, I feel a lot better.

00:57:45.560 Just human touch with somebody else. 0.99

00:57:48.260 I'm not gay or nothing, but just that touch of him fucking submitting me and grabbing me. 0.99

00:57:53.200 And I was like, I feel. 0.99

00:57:54.560 And then I went to the premiere that night. 0.98

00:57:56.780 And I was fucking COVID conscious. 0.99

00:57:59.040 I'm like, I'm going to sit at the beacon with 2,000 fucking people to see this movie. 0.99

00:58:03.900 We're going to get COVID. 0.99

00:58:05.280 Yeah.

00:58:05.540 It wasn't even that.

00:58:07.140 When I got out, the driver dropped me on the corner of the beacon.

00:58:11.760 And I was in a corner with 500 people. 0.99

00:58:15.160 And they were all, like, touching me and shit. 0.99

00:58:17.880 And I remember walking out of that circle going, if I don't get COVID now, I'll never get it. 0.99

00:58:23.720 Went to the movie theater.

00:58:25.420 Didn't even go to the premiere party.

00:58:27.200 Just saw the movie with my family and some friends.

00:58:30.420 I didn't even go to the party.

00:58:31.720 But going to that jiu-jitsu class and the classes after that, like, I was just going to take privates for, like, six months. 1.00

00:58:39.600 I said, fuck this. 0.99

00:58:40.960 I'm going into class with these guys. 1.00

00:58:42.760 Yeah.

00:58:43.000 I need these guys.

00:58:44.440 Right. 1.00

00:58:45.020 I need these fucking guys. 1.00

00:58:46.560 I need to talk to them and touch them and fucking be human around, be human. 1.00

00:58:50.800 Yeah. 0.99

00:58:51.340 Isolation is true.

00:58:52.500 Isolation, it feels like it's what you want to do for yourself to make things easier and more comfortable.

00:58:57.620 And that is one of the biggest traps, you know.

00:58:59.860 I notice it for myself a lot of times.

00:59:02.060 It's like I'll, like, even the other day I had some friends that went out on the boat here on Lake Austin, right?

00:59:06.900 First, I was like, I'd rather just chill, work on my comedy, you know.

00:59:09.200 Yeah.

00:59:09.660 I'm in town.

00:59:10.180 I'm in Austin specifically to work on, get up on stage and stuff.

00:59:14.500 And so, but then I was like, you know, I should go because I always choose the let me stay and work on something.

00:59:21.500 Let me stay and be by myself.

00:59:23.100 I always choose that.

00:59:24.760 And then I find myself, well, then you're always by yourself.

00:59:28.100 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:59:28.600 You get stuck with by yourself thoughts, by yourself bullshit. 1.00

00:59:32.400 You know, when you're with somebody, you get a, they don't, and they don't fucking run off. 0.99

00:59:37.340 You're like, oh, I'm all right.

00:59:38.240 I'm all right to be around.

00:59:39.320 I'm not a weird, I'm not a complete weirdo, you know.

00:59:42.100 And so that kind of stuff is huge, man.

00:59:44.640 And being in those classes, it just like, and you make friends, you start to realize people got your back. 0.83

00:59:50.120 You're not fucking alone.

00:59:51.540 That, there's nothing is as helpful, I don't think, as going to those jiu-jitsu classes. 0.97

00:59:55.720 I don't go into them as much as I wish I did, because I kept getting hurt, bro.

01:00:01.040 I would just, and I couldn't do anything.

01:00:02.400 I had to work. 0.95

01:00:03.080 I'm like, I'm fucking wheezing. 0.99

01:00:04.420 I got my shit all wrapped up. 1.00

01:00:05.740 I got a fucking bunch of lemons, fucking duct taped to my rib cage and reading shit online, you know. 1.00

01:00:11.520 Eating oleander or whatever on the fucking internet and apple seeds. 1.00

01:00:15.500 But, but yeah, just that camaraderie, bro. 0.99

01:00:19.320 I remember one time where we'd been in there rolling for the day, and I just started bawling, crying, bro. 0.96

01:00:24.440 Like, just shit from my, that was stuck in my body or whatever. 0.99

01:00:27.880 It just fucking, like, released, you know. 1.00

01:00:30.280 It's crazy. 0.99

01:00:31.020 People don't understand.

01:00:31.820 And now, it's what keeps me together.

01:00:34.140 I go every Monday and Thursday, and it keeps me together.

01:00:38.200 You have to show up with a million dollar envelope for me not to go.

01:00:42.720 Like, I made that decision six months.

01:00:44.800 Like, I've been going steady, but I got hurt.

01:00:46.600 I hurt myself in December.

01:00:48.560 And after that hurt, my ankle, I go, you know what?

01:00:51.180 I'm doing this a different way.

01:00:52.500 I'm going in there.

01:00:53.300 And it's a plan.

01:00:55.080 Two days, I lift, I go to jiu-jitsu.

01:00:57.340 I lift, I go to jiu-jitsu. 0.99

01:00:58.820 I ride the bike, and I'm done for the fucking week. 0.99

01:01:00.920 Yeah. 0.99

01:01:01.120 It's what I do. 0.99

01:01:01.880 Like, I don't give a fuck what you got going on. 0.97

01:01:04.640 I'm really sorry to you. 0.99

01:01:05.760 I got to go to jiu-jitsu because if you don't go on Monday, then you're behind a week.

01:01:09.780 Then you're not going to go on Tuesday.

01:01:11.340 Tuesday, you're going to get an audition.

01:01:13.240 Then Wednesday, your kid's sick.

01:01:15.680 You know, this is just, you wake up.

01:01:18.340 She's sick. 1.00

01:01:19.220 My wife's got to do shit. 1.00

01:01:20.380 I got to cover, and that's why I always go Monday. 0.99

01:01:23.320 So you always get at least that warning.

01:01:25.220 Oh, yeah.

01:01:25.780 If you want to take Thursday from me, something else will happen.

01:01:28.240 But that's helped me a lot because it gives you a different set of friends.

01:01:34.840 And it gives you a set of friends that have, you know, they're all trying to get healthy.

01:01:40.400 One guy's recovering from his shoulder.

01:01:42.820 One guy's trying to lose weight. 1.00

01:01:44.520 I'm just an old fuck. 1.00

01:01:45.700 I go in there for fucking to get. 1.00

01:01:47.700 I go in there and burn 500 calories. 1.00

01:01:49.440 Oh, yeah.

01:01:50.280 You know.

01:01:51.260 But these are the things I'm doing now to. 0.96

01:01:53.840 I even enjoyed jujitsu when I was doing comedy full time because it got you away from the agents and the managers and everybody talking about the same shit all the time. 0.96

01:02:05.880 Yeah. 0.99

01:02:06.200 And secret gay dudes, too, out there in Hollywood, bro. 0.96

01:02:09.100 Oh. 0.99

01:02:09.940 Jesus Christ.

01:02:11.000 I remember the first time I ever, some guy, you know, I just got into town.

01:02:14.720 I know what was going on.

01:02:16.140 And some guy tried to kiss me outside of a park or whatever.

01:02:18.860 And then I remember another time a dude, an agent or whatever, gave me a ride to some place, introduced me to like Cuba Gooding Jr. or whatever.

01:02:27.200 And then tried to feel on my leg or whatever.

01:02:29.280 And he was giving me a ride home, dude. 0.98

01:02:30.820 And I didn't know what the fuck was going on. 0.99

01:02:33.380 Dude, I was like, if I wasn't a little brave, I would have been gay, bro. 0.99

01:02:40.100 You know, that's, uh. 1.00

01:02:41.580 You know, Rocky got that cock on him. 1.00

01:02:43.620 You feel me, bro? 1.00

01:02:44.480 That's the fucking scary. 1.00

01:02:45.000 Rock, show him the cock. 1.00

01:02:46.260 That's as good. 0.98

01:02:47.060 You should just fly Rocky out here.

01:02:49.340 Take him to L.A. with you. 0.99

01:02:50.620 Whenever one of those guys wants a hit on you, rock, show him the cock. 1.00

01:02:53.520 Rocky. 0.99

01:02:53.880 Boom.

01:02:54.360 There you go.

01:02:54.900 You want that roll?

01:02:55.760 Here. 1.00

01:02:56.040 I got a cock for you. 1.00

01:02:57.200 Suck this fucking, suck this stick of love over here. 1.00

01:03:01.520 This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. 1.00

01:03:04.560 That's right. 0.95

01:03:05.720 Let's talk about sex, fellas. 0.99

01:03:07.700 Okay. 0.94

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01:06:40.320 Yeah, bro.

01:06:42.060 Dude, and Rocky, they grew up, like, downwind from, like, one of those pesticide factories or something, you know, the place that would have the spray rig, you know?

01:06:49.480 Dude, remember when the spray rig would come through your neighborhood, dude?

01:06:52.100 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:06:52.320 We would fucking get on our bikes, bro, and ride, because in Louisiana, they sprayed that bitch fucking twice a week, dude. 1.00

01:06:59.000 The whole fucking, everybody's stepmother looked like a mosquito in that bitch, dude. 1.00

01:07:03.300 But we would get on our bikes and just ride behind that gas, just pure gas coming out that bitch, dude. 1.00

01:07:10.380 But Rocky and then Mr. Denny, they lived downwind from one of those fuckers. 1.00

01:07:15.280 That's what probably fucked, made his dick big. 1.00

01:07:18.620 People gonna all move from those places now and go, man, it made Rocky's dick big. 1.00

01:07:23.540 Oh, Rocky ain't been fucking stung by a bee since 2011, bro, I'll tell you that, dude. 1.00

01:07:30.880 Fucking crazy. 0.98

01:07:31.680 God, I love, yeah, dude, I love, I guess the best thing is remembering stuff from growing up. 0.96

01:07:37.560 That's something that I really, that's my favorite thing, is just remembering stuff from growing up.

01:07:44.140 Yeah, thinking about the past.

01:07:47.140 I love it, you know, that's where most of, like, the most entertaining stuff is for me.

01:07:51.780 But growing up now feels, yeah, it feels, like, kind of weird.

01:07:54.800 I think for a lot of times, I didn't want to grow up because I still wanted to just be a part.

01:07:58.540 I feel like if I grow up too much, then I'm, then I lose all the fun.

01:08:02.880 Does that ever make any sense to you? 0.99

01:08:05.760 You know, man, it's so weird how you look at your life and you go, what the fuck? 0.97

01:08:09.440 Like, I haven't had fun, like, fun, fun, fun, since I left New Jersey when I was 20. 0.99

01:08:17.080 Like, that old-fashioned fun that I liked, I enjoyed, you know, just getting fucked up and laughing with your friends. 0.89

01:08:24.580 Yeah. 0.99

01:08:24.820 Sleeping on the floor and going down the shore and all that shit. 0.99

01:08:28.280 And then it's like I've been chasing it for the last 40 years. 0.98

01:08:34.500 What happened those summers when I was growing up?

01:08:37.500 You're just chasing it.

01:08:38.340 You know, it's funny.

01:08:39.680 I look at, like, I was seeing something about, a while ago about a club.

01:08:43.660 They were talking about this club and VIP and all this.

01:08:46.160 And I looked at it and I'm like, all this is is people chasing Studio 54.

01:08:52.540 Yeah.

01:08:53.700 That's all this is.

01:08:54.740 They've been chasing Studio 54 since the 80s. 0.55

01:08:58.500 You know, us, guys like you and I, our childhoods were fucking really special. 0.57

01:09:04.020 They were comical. 0.95

01:09:06.200 Comical.

01:09:06.820 When we think of our childhood, we had no other option than to become a comic.

01:09:10.540 Because all the tools were put in front of us, the stories, the situations, other storytellers

01:09:18.020 that taught us how to tell a story. 0.99

01:09:19.900 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

01:09:21.300 Yeah. 0.99

01:09:21.560 I think now, like, I was always going to be a comic.

01:09:24.340 I just didn't know that.

01:09:25.880 I just didn't know that.

01:09:27.320 Everything all goes into one circle.

01:09:29.580 Everything that you've lived.

01:09:30.380 I remember somebody told me one time that when you do a movie, okay, like, you know,

01:09:36.940 I did a bunch of movies earlier and nobody talked to me.

01:09:40.220 Nobody said, hey, I saw you in that movie.

01:09:42.700 He goes, you got to give a movie culture.

01:09:46.160 You have to give a movie years.

01:09:48.160 And all of a sudden, I saw what he meant.

01:09:50.520 Because one day, when the podcast and everything else started lifting us, people started connecting

01:09:56.340 those movies.

01:09:58.900 Do you follow me?

01:09:59.680 At first, you can't connect them.

01:10:01.600 But after you hit a little bit and people start following you and stuff, your movies will

01:10:07.260 connect.

01:10:08.060 You know, like, it's the weirdest thing.

01:10:09.520 I don't even know if I'm explaining it.

01:10:10.660 I don't know.

01:10:11.100 I'm not understanding you 100%.

01:10:12.400 Yeah, he had a concept that said, like, people do a movie.

01:10:16.420 Like, you do a movie with, like, who's the hottest star today?

01:10:19.540 I don't know.

01:10:20.160 Tao, probably...

01:10:22.920 Gigi Hadid or something. 1.00

01:10:24.040 I don't even know these fucking people. 1.00

01:10:25.620 Yeah, probably Bradley Cooper. 1.00

01:10:27.040 Bradley Cooper.

01:10:27.660 All right.

01:10:27.820 You do a movie with Bradley Cooper.

01:10:29.160 And the movie comes out.

01:10:32.020 Bradley Cooper wins an Academy Award for it.

01:10:34.140 It's a great movie.

01:10:36.520 You don't think that you're getting as much as you should have.

01:10:39.420 You ever see somebody do a movie? 1.00

01:10:40.840 And fucking, they blow up. 1.00

01:10:42.800 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:42.960 Tiffany Haddish did a movie.

01:10:45.220 She was... 0.97

01:10:45.760 She's been working hard for 30 years.

01:10:47.900 Did one movie. 0.88

01:10:49.180 Blew the fuck up.

01:10:50.420 Yeah.

01:10:50.620 Okay?

01:10:51.140 I did 20 movies. 0.96

01:10:52.780 Nobody ever fucking talked to me at all. 0.99

01:10:54.720 They didn't talk to me till I fucking told the story about mugging a hookah and lighting 1.00

01:10:59.520 her wig on fire. 0.99

01:11:00.400 That changed my career.

01:11:01.920 That was it.

01:11:02.660 Now people...

01:11:03.560 Yeah.

01:11:04.180 People start...

01:11:04.780 You do a Disney show, nobody wants to see it.

01:11:07.240 Yeah.

01:11:07.580 You know, you do a T...

01:11:08.380 Nothing.

01:11:09.220 But my point is that...

01:11:11.600 Let's say you did a movie with Bradley Cooper and you call me a year from now and go, 0.99

01:11:15.520 What the fuck? 1.00

01:11:16.800 All these motherfuckers blew up around me. 1.00

01:11:19.660 I got one commercial or something out of it. 1.00

01:11:21.640 Right.

01:11:22.080 You know?

01:11:23.040 But in three years, as you keep growing, your career keeps growing, more people will

01:11:29.080 start going, Let me watch that movie because Theo's in it now.

01:11:32.440 I didn't know Theo was in it. 1.00

01:11:33.860 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:11:34.360 I got to watch that again. 1.00

01:11:35.380 Because now you're somebody to them.

01:11:38.060 And that's how that movie gets big and connected to all the other movies. 0.99

01:11:41.840 It's the weirdest fucking thing. 1.00

01:11:43.580 Because nobody would see my shit. 1.00

01:11:45.960 You know, like I'm telling you. 1.00

01:11:47.060 I mean, I remember going to see...

01:11:48.200 I did The Longest Yard.

01:11:49.720 That's the only movie where people would come out and shake my hand and at the end of the

01:11:52.780 show, they would hide from me.

01:11:54.660 Because they thought I was going to go up there and do Adam Sandler knock-knock jokes.

01:11:57.720 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:58.040 I'm up there talking about snorting coke and fucking getting my dick sucked. 1.00

01:12:01.520 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:02.140 Putting a coke rock.

01:12:02.980 And people were like, they would just leave. 1.00

01:12:06.460 And now you say one fucking joke about mugging a hooker and you're selling out fucking comedy 1.00

01:12:11.780 clubs. 1.00

01:12:12.320 Yeah.

01:12:12.880 You don't know what it's going to be.

01:12:14.840 But the culture of it is what I'm talking about.

01:12:17.600 How you might not think nobody saw you, but years from now.

01:12:21.500 It's like you could do 18 movies and the movie you hate the most is the one that people come

01:12:29.760 up to you and go, we loved you in that. 0.99

01:12:31.760 You're like, God damn it. 0.99

01:12:32.740 I did 17 other ones. 0.99

01:12:34.260 Yeah.

01:12:34.880 I did 17 other movies.

01:12:36.720 And that's what you like?

01:12:36.980 And that's the one you like?

01:12:37.600 Yeah. 0.99

01:12:37.780 The one I fucking hated? 0.99

01:12:39.200 And then you tell them the story. 0.99

01:12:40.620 I was coked up till 8 in the morning and my call time was at 9. 1.00

01:12:43.820 And they're like, oh, no wonder you hated the fucking movie. 0.99

01:12:49.400 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:49.920 I think, yeah.

01:12:50.720 Yeah.

01:12:51.140 I guess it's like, did you think that when podcasting started, it was going to be what

01:12:56.900 it was?

01:12:57.240 Did you have any real foresight on it?

01:12:59.400 Did you get into it because you were like, oh, I don't know if like acting is going to

01:13:04.580 be enough for me.

01:13:05.780 Like what was kind of your motivation to get into it?

01:13:08.520 I know it's kind of an old question.

01:13:09.660 I just don't know the answer to it.

01:13:11.300 2009.

01:13:12.120 I moved to the Valley.

01:13:13.080 I moved to Studio City where we lived.

01:13:15.620 The office, up the corner from the office.

01:13:18.400 At that time, man, I had done movies.

01:13:21.540 I had done TV shows.

01:13:23.040 I recurred on TV shows.

01:13:25.140 I wasn't at the store anymore.

01:13:27.620 And I was just opening for Joe.

01:13:29.400 And I would do spots. 1.00

01:13:30.580 You know, I would do my own shit. 1.00

01:13:31.940 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:32.360 And open for Joe.

01:13:33.520 And then I was like, you know what, man?

01:13:35.700 I got a call from the Funny Bone one time.

01:13:39.140 And they're like, we're willing to give you like six weeks of work. 0.99

01:13:43.080 The number they threw at me was so fucking ridiculous. 0.99

01:13:46.760 It was so ridiculous. 0.99

01:13:48.620 And a year before this, I had had this conversation with somebody else. 0.95

01:13:54.040 That guy's name was Billy Gardell.

01:13:56.040 I saw him in Burbank.

01:13:57.520 And we were just chatting. 1.00

01:13:58.800 And he told me that right before he got Molly and whatever that fucking show was, Mike and Molly, he was like, I'm thinking of getting out of this shit. 0.99

01:14:07.940 He goes, they just offered me these deals. 0.99

01:14:09.880 And it's no money.

01:14:11.300 They want me to work Wednesday through Sunday in those days.

01:14:13.940 That was hard.

01:14:14.400 And I'm like, you know, when that happened to me, I was like, you know what, it's 2009.

01:14:22.520 I got nothing going on.

01:14:23.780 I'm going to go to the Ford store and pee in a bottle and get a job selling cars.

01:14:27.820 Yeah.

01:14:28.500 I'll still audition.

01:14:30.800 I'm in there.

01:14:31.780 I'll still audition.

01:14:32.600 And I'll still go out and work for Rogan.

01:14:35.300 But I'm not doing this no more.

01:14:37.300 It's, it's, I've been doing it for 20 years or something, right?

01:14:40.880 At that point.

01:14:41.600 Wow.

01:14:42.160 And it's not, I'm not even happy doing it anymore.

01:14:45.040 That's the biggest thing.

01:14:46.440 Okay.

01:14:46.840 It was like, I'm good.

01:14:48.600 I could do movies.

01:14:49.760 I keep my insurance.

01:14:50.920 I could always book a movie or a TV show, except lately. 0.99

01:14:54.900 I don't know what the fuck's going on. 0.98

01:14:57.000 But. 0.96

01:14:58.020 You don't even have any more TV shows, really.

01:15:00.080 No, but I've been getting auditions. 1.00

01:15:01.460 I got a two, I got two, I got an audition for me to go, go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:15:05.200 And I didn't get it. 1.00

01:15:06.020 Wow.

01:15:06.620 When you got one line to curse at Steve Martin and you don't get it, you're not doing well.

01:15:12.580 Okay.

01:15:14.080 So.

01:15:14.720 So you still auditioned a pretty good bit.

01:15:16.480 Huh?

01:15:16.840 You still auditioned a decent amount.

01:15:18.760 If they have something, they'll call me and I'll put it on tape. 0.97

01:15:21.760 Lately, they've been doing Zoom ones, which I'm in fucking shock.

01:15:24.920 But I'm not booking anything. 0.87

01:15:26.420 It's, it's, look at me.

01:15:27.840 It's over.

01:15:28.540 But you like it, though.

01:15:29.600 It's something that you like, though.

01:15:30.700 No, I like booking.

01:15:32.660 I don't like working.

01:15:33.500 I see. 1.00

01:15:34.120 My dick gets hard when I get that call. 0.99

01:15:36.440 My dick gets hard when I go in the room and there's other actors in there and they look 0.99

01:15:40.020 at you like, what are you doing here? 1.00

01:15:41.820 And you're like, really, motherfucker? 1.00

01:15:43.480 I'm going to show you what I'm doing here, bitch. 1.00

01:15:45.080 Yeah. 1.00

01:15:45.780 And then they call you.

01:15:47.100 But then when they call you for wardrobe, you're like, come on, guys. 0.99

01:15:50.520 What the fuck? 0.99

01:15:51.700 We want you to come in for wardrobe and then. 1.00

01:15:53.720 Wasting people's time.

01:15:54.220 Come back for this and then park and then we're going to do a table read on Tuesday.

01:15:57.960 And you're like, guys. 0.93

01:15:58.980 Quit jerking everybody off. 0.98

01:16:00.220 That's not what I want to do. 0.94

01:16:01.200 Wasting people's time and money.

01:16:02.820 No.

01:16:03.780 So that's my secret.

01:16:05.140 I love booking.

01:16:06.480 That is a good moment.

01:16:07.500 If somebody calls you and says you got something.

01:16:09.380 You got something.

01:16:09.960 Listen, they made you an offer. 1.00

01:16:11.560 You're like, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:16:13.360 Fuck that punk in the audition. 1.00

01:16:15.140 Yeah, fuck those motherfuckers. 1.00

01:16:15.940 I remember going to audition one time and the guy told us in the audition, go home. 1.00

01:16:20.680 I already did the job.

01:16:22.220 I already worked with this guy.

01:16:23.420 He's going to give me the job anyway.

01:16:25.060 And then I booked it.

01:16:25.940 I saw him at the store like a week later.

01:16:28.100 Did you ever hear from him? 1.00

01:16:29.040 I go, bitch. 1.00

01:16:29.920 I booked it. 1.00

01:16:31.400 He was pale. 1.00

01:16:32.620 He was fucking pale. 0.99

01:16:34.140 But what I was telling you was the truth was, I'm going to tell you the honest to God truth. 0.99

01:16:38.760 I always had a problem with comedy.

01:16:40.920 I'm not the best comedian, but I'm a good storyteller.

01:16:46.720 And I always knew if I had a chance to tell my story, it would change things.

01:16:52.040 If it didn't, then I'll go away into the hills quietly.

01:16:55.440 You ever watch HBO boxing like 15 years ago?

01:16:58.620 Yeah, yeah.

01:16:59.160 With Joe Frazier or whatever?

01:17:00.700 Nah.

01:17:01.380 Roy Jones Jr.?

01:17:02.300 Yeah.

01:17:02.880 Like anything 20 years ago with boxing, you know, you look at a guy that's a boxer or UFC fighter.

01:17:09.500 Yeah. 0.99

01:17:09.740 All right, and you're like, look at this fucking guy. 1.00

01:17:12.280 Tattoos. 1.00

01:17:12.740 He's talking all this shit, you know. 0.99

01:17:15.020 But then they do those things, you know, 20 for 20, like those HBO would do like, let's talk to Theo at his house, you know. 0.99

01:17:24.960 So I know Theo.

01:17:25.840 He's got a hat.

01:17:26.540 He's from Louisiana.

01:17:27.500 He's got Icy Mike, this, that.

01:17:29.660 But now I get to see you with your mother.

01:17:31.760 Yeah.

01:17:32.420 I get to see you with your dad.

01:17:33.700 I get to see you with your kids. 0.99

01:17:35.040 I get to see that fucking Theo has a farm. 0.99

01:17:38.640 I didn't know that. 0.99

01:17:39.360 And he gets up in the morning after training, two hours, and he goes to the farm and works eight hours.

01:17:44.760 And then he picks his kid up from school, cooks for them. 1.00

01:17:47.420 Then he goes back to fucking train. 0.99

01:17:49.440 Then he goes back over there and puts his kids in showers. 1.00

01:17:52.380 Then he fucking, you know. 1.00

01:17:53.480 And you're like, I thought this guy was just a fucking sack of shit. 1.00

01:17:56.500 Yeah. 1.00

01:17:57.040 That was my thing.

01:17:58.540 Right.

01:17:58.940 That I knew if I could tell my story digitally, like detail by detail, I could get somewhere.

01:18:05.800 And I was right.

01:18:07.040 Just go up there.

01:18:08.000 And for two months, we were doing what people do.

01:18:10.620 So what do you think about P. Diddy?

01:18:12.120 You know?

01:18:12.260 That's not a podcast.

01:18:14.280 Right. 0.98

01:18:14.480 You're just fucking an extension of the news. 1.00

01:18:17.100 When you get into the nuts and bolster people and you, like I told you, I had nothing going on in my career until I told the story that I mugged the hooker and lit her wig on fire. 1.00

01:18:26.820 Yeah.

01:18:27.460 And all of a sudden, I was selling 150 tickets a show. 0.98

01:18:30.400 And you're like, I've done fucking all this stuff. 0.96

01:18:33.420 And nobody ever wanted to buy a ticket. 0.98

01:18:35.480 But I tell the most awkward stories.

01:18:37.160 So what do guys like me and you do? 0.96

01:18:38.760 Tell more disgusting stories of your life. 0.97

01:18:41.180 Yeah. 0.98

01:18:41.560 And they ate them up.

01:18:42.860 Get it out.

01:18:43.320 Well, people can relate to stuff, dude. 0.99

01:18:45.500 Especially with hookers, man. 1.00

01:18:46.640 I remember doing drugs. 0.93

01:18:48.700 And then I would, like, negotiate with hookers online. 1.00

01:18:51.000 Right? 0.98

01:18:52.100 Because I didn't have any money.

01:18:53.100 So I'm sitting there like, I'm not, like, price gouging or whatever they call it.

01:18:56.100 But I'm like, you know, like, I'm like, how about this?

01:18:59.600 Just stay for maybe 40 minutes or whatever.

01:19:01.380 You know, give me, like, you know, $75 off the amount or whatever.

01:19:05.000 And I was always so high.

01:19:06.420 This is what happened to me every time, Joey.

01:19:10.340 A woman of the night or whatever escort would come over. 1.00

01:19:13.760 I'd be so high.

01:19:15.000 I'd be scared.

01:19:16.040 I'd hand the money out of the door.

01:19:17.720 Open the door a little bit. 1.00

01:19:18.960 Fucking hand them the money and have them go home. 0.99

01:19:21.320 Right? 1.00

01:19:22.540 90% of the time.

01:19:23.740 Because I was so scared.

01:19:25.000 Like, I don't even know why I would do it.

01:19:27.400 And I would do that two or three times in the night.

01:19:29.640 Right?

01:19:31.620 So one time.

01:19:33.240 Dude, I remember one time this Russian lady. 1.00

01:19:37.220 She had to go or something.

01:19:42.720 Right?

01:19:42.880 And she asked me to watch her dog.

01:19:45.180 Right? 1.00

01:19:45.420 At her fucking place. 1.00

01:19:46.440 I went over there. 1.00

01:19:48.140 And she asked me to watch her dog.

01:19:49.460 And I couldn't even understand what she was saying.

01:19:50.720 I thought she wanted to do, like, butt stuff or something. 1.00

01:19:52.800 But then she just was trying to get me to watch this fucking dog, dude. 1.00

01:19:57.740 So the whole conversation was just ridiculous, bro. 1.00

01:20:02.120 Because I kept kind of touching her butt. 0.99

01:20:04.060 And she kept kind of pointing at this puppy. 0.58

01:20:07.400 I'm just like, what am I doing, dude? 0.80

01:20:09.940 I would be petrified to call a hooker.

01:20:15.120 Oh, it was so scary. 0.99

01:20:16.640 Petrified.

01:20:17.880 And never mind on coke.

01:20:19.040 Like, I wanted to.

01:20:20.160 Trust me. 0.99

01:20:20.680 You're not the only heart that got fucking secret fucking desires. 1.00

01:20:24.780 Whenever you do coke and you're by yourself, you're dying to call a freak that's going to take the ride with you. 1.00

01:20:31.360 I can never do it. 0.99

01:20:32.940 I can never fucking do it. 0.99

01:20:34.080 And if I got somebody to come over, if I jerked off before they come over, then I wouldn't even open the door. 0.99

01:20:39.980 Yeah. 0.94

01:20:40.440 I'd keep that little bit of coke for me. 1.00

01:20:42.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:20:42.280 You ain't getting none of this. 1.00

01:20:42.960 I already cracked a nut. 1.00

01:20:44.420 You ain't getting none of this shit. 1.00

01:20:45.920 Yeah, I'm out of coke, dude. 1.00

01:20:46.580 I'm out of coke. 1.00

01:20:47.620 I'd crash a fucking aspirin and give it to them. 1.00

01:20:50.400 Oh, I remember, yeah. 1.00

01:20:52.540 Like, I'd feel so bad once a hooker was coming over one time. 1.00

01:20:58.180 I remember putting on, like, I didn't want to even seem like I did coke or whatever.

01:21:01.760 So, I, like, I remember putting on, like, an apron or something to make it seem like I was, like, cooking around my house.

01:21:06.580 Like, just being, like, an organized guy, you know? 0.99

01:21:09.140 Like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:21:11.220 What a loser do this. 1.00

01:21:13.700 She's probably, like, it's 3.30. 1.00

01:21:15.280 This guy's a fucking chef. 1.00

01:21:17.300 Oh, he is. 1.00

01:21:18.020 Oh, my God.

01:21:18.400 I just wanted to look like I was doing something important or whatever, and I didn't have, like, a, you know, that was the closest thing.

01:21:24.780 I had, like, a uniform, I guess, or whatever was that, but. 0.96

01:21:27.660 I would love to sit with, like, a fucking, I don't know, one of those psychotherapists that's analyzing people for drugs or something, 1.00

01:21:36.480 and just sit there with them for three days and tell them the stupid shit that, and it's not even stupid. 1.00

01:21:43.180 It's fucking hilarious when you look at it. 1.00

01:21:45.900 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:46.120 When you think about it years later, you're, like, that was fucked. 0.99

01:21:49.420 Like, a couple weeks ago, I came down here. 0.98

01:21:52.620 The 420, I came down here for the weekend.

01:21:54.800 Mm-hmm.

01:21:55.620 And I was thinking about in 86 when the Mets won the series or something with a playoff.

01:22:01.840 I forget what it was.

01:22:03.160 I went to New York to pick up, like, a couple ounces of Coke.

01:22:06.340 I was bringing them back to Colorado.

01:22:07.700 And when I got there, the guy I went to see said to me, your Coke is ready to go.

01:22:13.120 You got it.

01:22:14.240 You got a house?

01:22:15.760 You could stay at my house?

01:22:17.200 He goes, I got to leave.

01:22:18.580 Hmm?

01:22:19.160 I got to go away for three days to a wedding in Connecticut or something.

01:22:22.640 But he goes, I forgot you were coming.

01:22:24.620 I hooked you up.

01:22:25.680 You're good to go. 1.00

01:22:27.000 We went to eat after the fucking airport. 0.99

01:22:30.620 And then he drove me to the house. 0.99

01:22:31.760 He goes, the Coke's in there.

01:22:33.140 Go in.

01:22:33.780 My sister's there.

01:22:34.620 My mom. 1.00

01:22:35.560 They left you the whole fucking house. 1.00

01:22:37.440 I get in there. 1.00

01:22:38.280 The fucking hot water heater blew up. 0.99

01:22:40.180 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:22:40.880 And the power went out.

01:22:42.680 So you know guys like me and you.

01:22:44.700 I wasn't leaving until Sunday.

01:22:46.720 I called some of my friends. 0.99

01:22:48.960 But they were fucking busy. 0.98

01:22:51.320 And I stayed in that house from Friday to Sunday snorting Coke with a candle and with my pants rolled up because it was all water. 0.99

01:23:02.220 So I'm walking around like Jethro Tull, that album from Jethro Tull, with a mirror, navigating myself to the water in this fucking basement. 0.96

01:23:10.400 With a candle, snorting Coke. 0.98

01:23:13.020 The sister's like 16. 0.71

01:23:15.240 She's down there snorting Coke with me.

01:23:17.080 I'm like, oh, no.

01:23:18.240 I'm going to go to jail. 1.00

01:23:19.200 It's a damn underground railroad, brother. 0.99

01:23:21.400 He would call me every hour like, how's it going over there? 1.00

01:23:23.740 I'm here with your sister and mom snorting fucking Coke in this fucking, you know. 1.00

01:23:28.960 Nobody would believe that. 1.00

01:23:30.180 I stayed there until Sunday.

01:23:32.220 And then I get to the airport, Kennedy Airport. 0.97

01:23:35.500 It's fucking freezing out. 0.92

01:23:37.160 Everybody's got jackets on. 0.98

01:23:38.860 There was no tunnels then.

01:23:39.960 You had to walk out and get on the plane.

01:23:42.060 Everybody had jackets on.

01:23:43.380 Dog, I've been doing Coke for three days.

01:23:45.200 When I walked out, they had a T-shirt on and steam was coming out of me. 0.99

01:23:48.840 And people looking at me like, what the fuck is he on? 0.99

01:23:53.360 Like, you can't. 0.99

01:23:55.200 That was like a whole afternoon.

01:23:57.040 Then I got on the plane and I was so coked out.

01:23:59.820 I had the aisle seat.

01:24:01.220 Before the plane took off, they came to me and said, you can't keep getting up and going to the bathroom.

01:24:05.960 I was going every eight minutes to the bathroom to load up.

01:24:08.880 And then when the plane took off, I actually took the blanket, put it over my head, put the lunch tray down, crushed it up.

01:24:17.600 And I would snort and then pop my head up.

01:24:19.940 And I'm like, nobody knows I'm getting high. 0.98

01:24:22.800 But the clinker of that whole fucking day. 0.98

01:24:25.040 Like Punxsutawney Phil, dude. 0.99

01:24:27.380 Dog, it was not.

01:24:28.480 And this was every week.

01:24:29.920 Eight more weeks of eight.

01:24:30.740 You got to remember, this was going on in our lives once a week.

01:24:33.900 This craziness.

01:24:35.120 And then I go, because in those days, the planes had like a little bar.

01:24:39.220 And you could order from the bar.

01:24:40.560 And I remember that, I'll never forget, there was a black linted bar.

01:24:44.040 Like black. 1.00

01:24:44.640 Wow, on the airplane. 1.00

01:24:45.800 In the 80s and 90s, shit. 1.00

01:24:47.640 You had fucking planes with bars. 1.00

01:24:49.960 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:50.420 JetBlue.

01:24:50.940 No, People's Express was a plane that went out of business, a company that went out of business.

01:24:55.680 They had a piano.

01:24:56.980 Nuh-uh.

01:24:57.400 That the guy would play upstairs.

01:24:58.980 There were double-decker planes. 1.00

01:25:00.720 This shit today, I don't know what the fuck's going on. 1.00

01:25:03.360 No bars, no nothing. 1.00

01:25:04.040 This shit today is a bunch of fucking traffic. 1.00

01:25:06.200 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:06.620 You go on a plane now, you go on a plane to sit there like a commie and look straight ahead.

01:25:11.020 Yeah.

01:25:11.480 In the 80s and 90s, you went on a plane, you partied.

01:25:14.540 You could move around and talk to people.

01:25:16.460 That's what Ric Flair always says.

01:25:17.600 He always says about how great it was on planes.

01:25:19.100 Oh, my God.

01:25:19.680 I could come up with the Theo and go, Theo, buy Theo a drink, buy that lady in row three 1.00

01:25:24.020 a drink, and all of a sudden, you're picking up chicks on a plane, dog. 0.73

01:25:27.120 God.

01:25:28.040 Come on. 1.00

01:25:29.200 Fuck. 1.00

01:25:29.600 I'm lonely. 1.00

01:25:30.580 So I go to the bar. 0.99

01:25:32.200 I order whatever, a Southern Comfort, an orange juice, whatever the fuck I'm drinking. 0.99

01:25:35.880 Uh-huh. 0.94

01:25:36.420 And Theo, as I'm talking, it's just me and him at the bar. 0.97

01:25:40.440 A fucking Coke rock falls out of my nose and lands on the lint, and me and him are looking 0.97

01:25:46.500 at it like to see who's going to speak first. 0.99

01:25:48.320 And I go, I look up, and I'm looking at the plane.

01:25:51.700 I go, that fell off the plane there.

01:25:53.420 And I got back in my seat.

01:25:55.080 I was never so embarrassed. 0.99

01:25:57.360 Look, I was doing shit that nobody, I remember going on a date with a girl to a fucking net 0.99

01:26:03.640 Philadelphia Sixer game. 0.99

01:26:05.260 Oh, high on Coke?

01:26:06.780 No, I had a half ounce in my pocket.

01:26:08.340 I was holding it for later in case you didn't want to go home with me.

01:26:10.420 Yeah.

01:26:10.720 You know, the first quarter I'm talking to, and we're not getting nowhere. 1.00

01:26:14.360 And I go, fuck this. 0.99

01:26:15.140 I'm going together. 1.00

01:26:15.720 Do you want a drink?

01:26:16.640 She goes, yeah, I'll take a drink.

01:26:17.660 I went to the bar to get a drink at the net game.

01:26:20.220 Uh-huh.

01:26:21.120 The bartender had a bow tie on him.

01:26:22.700 This is like a Theo story.

01:26:24.340 He had a bow tie on, very decent guy.

01:26:26.260 Oh, yeah.

01:26:26.640 Like, let me get a double.

01:26:28.160 Bah, bah.

01:26:28.760 Let me get another one.

01:26:29.540 Bah.

01:26:30.320 And all of a sudden I go, you want to do a line?

01:26:32.020 The guy's like, yeah.

01:26:33.540 This is 1984. 1.00

01:26:35.100 Rocky got that cock on him, baby. 1.00

01:26:36.880 I'm at a net basketball game. 1.00

01:26:38.660 I got the bartender in the back doing lines. 0.99

01:26:41.660 By the end of the night, he had his fucking bow tie off. 0.99

01:26:44.300 He disconnected the computer. 0.99

01:26:45.880 He was just pouring them in and giving them to people.

01:26:48.120 I didn't go back to that seat until three minutes left.

01:26:51.640 Wow.

01:26:52.200 That girl was like, what happened to you?

01:26:53.980 I'm like, you're not going to believe it.

01:26:55.160 I had a good time. 1.00

01:26:57.140 I had a good fucking time sitting next to your fucking tight-ass fucking telling me. 1.00

01:27:02.480 I mean, that's the shit that happened all the fucking time. 1.00

01:27:06.920 Yeah, anything could. 1.00

01:27:08.180 It used to feel like anything could happen.

01:27:09.820 Anything could happen.

01:27:10.660 Anything could happen.

01:27:11.660 Like, yeah, we're going to go here.

01:27:12.680 But listen, there was a time when there was a $39 flight to Miami.

01:27:17.980 After midnight in Newark.

01:27:19.900 After midnight.

01:27:20.760 After midnight.

01:27:21.440 It was like $59 all day.

01:27:26.840 Like, just to Miami.

01:27:28.160 Straight shots in 84.

01:27:29.860 But for midnight, too.

01:27:31.560 It was like $29.

01:27:33.280 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:27:34.420 You get on that plane and there'd be 200 people fucking whacked. 1.00

01:27:38.700 You know how you go, we're out of coke. 1.00

01:27:40.080 What are we going to do?

01:27:40.860 Yeah.

01:27:41.260 Call Timmy.

01:27:41.980 Call Mikey.

01:27:42.720 Call Louie.

01:27:43.360 Nobody's around. 1.00

01:27:44.420 Fuck it. 1.00

01:27:44.760 Let's go to Miami. 1.00

01:27:46.020 That's what people would do.

01:27:47.840 Wow.

01:27:48.040 They'd get on that plane with the last two lines and pray to God until they get to the airport. 0.87

01:27:52.880 Doug, it was crazy.

01:27:54.280 That's how crazy it used to be. 1.00

01:27:56.640 After midnight, a fucking, on the hour every hour to Miami. 1.00

01:28:02.880 God. 1.00

01:28:03.160 Why would that fucking, why would you want to go to Miami? 1.00

01:28:05.640 What would make you want to go to Miami at 2 in the morning? 1.00

01:28:08.220 Cocaine, probably.

01:28:08.980 Yeah.

01:28:09.940 And women or men.

01:28:11.320 If you like men, I don't like them.

01:28:12.640 But women. 1.00

01:28:15.180 But you have a thousand of those stories.

01:28:17.980 Thousands.

01:28:18.500 And I have thousands of them. 1.00

01:28:20.280 Thousands of, you know, fucking getting high and not getting anywhere. 0.99

01:28:25.180 That's all it is. 0.99

01:28:26.340 That's the truth of it is.

01:28:27.840 After you look at it over a long period of time, it's like getting high and not getting anywhere.

01:28:31.780 Not getting anywhere. 0.99

01:28:33.140 You know, you're talking about that shit about giving the hook of money. 0.99

01:28:36.820 Listen, man. 1.00

01:28:38.120 How did I quit smoking cigarettes?

01:28:40.180 I forced myself.

01:28:41.160 I bought an eight ball and I didn't take no cigarettes home.

01:28:44.140 Because I knew once I had that eight ball in me, I'm not walking a 7-Eleven.

01:28:48.600 Ah. 0.98

01:28:49.540 So I stayed in that apartment all night, eight hours with no fucking cigarettes on an eight 0.99

01:28:54.640 ball. 0.99

01:28:55.240 The next day, I didn't need to smoke.

01:28:56.980 I had already beat it in my mind.

01:28:58.620 That's how I quit smoking cigarettes.

01:28:59.920 I bought an eight ball and no cigarettes to go. 1.00

01:29:03.780 Fuck. 1.00

01:29:04.700 Yeah. 1.00

01:29:05.100 I just miss a time when anything could happen.

01:29:07.560 I've told this story before, but I, you know, I went one time.

01:29:10.280 I used to love telling people that people had died.

01:29:12.540 Right.

01:29:13.200 One of my favorite things to do, tell people like a famous person had died.

01:29:16.740 Right.

01:29:17.100 Like we'd go to lunch or whatever.

01:29:18.920 I'd be like, oh, you know, someone so died, whatever, you know, and just, we could talk

01:29:22.820 about it during lunch and they leave lunch.

01:29:24.800 Right.

01:29:25.100 And they find out at some point that they didn't die. 1.00

01:29:28.800 And they're like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:29:30.060 I just talked to this guy for an hour about over here. 1.00

01:29:33.620 Right. 0.76

01:29:35.000 Let's take a piss real quick.

01:29:36.060 Oh yeah. 0.83

01:29:36.280 Take a piss, man.

01:29:37.700 Sorry. 0.91

01:29:38.260 No, you're good, man.

01:29:39.420 I'm 60 years old.

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01:30:08.440 Groceries that over-deliver.

01:30:11.120 You're good, man.

01:30:11.900 You feel all right?

01:30:12.800 Yeah, I just had to pee.

01:30:13.740 I was holding it.

01:30:14.760 I hate that.

01:30:15.900 Burns me up.

01:30:18.380 Yeah, dude, I remember one time I had an escort or whatever.

01:30:22.880 I hate to hooker, I feel like, but do hookers like the term hooker? 1.00

01:30:25.920 They don't care.

01:30:26.800 They don't care as long as you pay them.

01:30:28.120 Yeah. 0.96

01:30:28.700 So yeah, and I always paid, but yeah, this hooker got sick one time, and I remember I 1.00

01:30:35.080 stayed over there for like a day and a half taking care of her. 0.89

01:30:37.960 Really?

01:30:38.280 Yeah, in Beverly Hills.

01:30:41.960 You ever talked to her anymore?

01:30:43.440 No, we texted for a while, and then I changed my number.

01:30:48.880 But I think it was fine.

01:30:50.340 We didn't even speak really the same language that much.

01:30:52.740 I think she spoke like Slovakia maybe or something, but yeah, but we were, I mean, definitely

01:30:59.820 had been doing drugs, but that was that, you know?

01:31:03.060 I saw my mother, I wouldn't surprise my mom for Mother's Day.

01:31:08.460 How was it?

01:31:09.140 It was pretty cool.

01:31:10.580 Went over to Tucson.

01:31:11.740 She was doing good, man.

01:31:13.120 I got over there, and I go to her house, right?

01:31:17.000 And I'd never been there.

01:31:17.960 I'd never been to the house that she lives in, but she's only been there for maybe about

01:31:21.820 a year and a half, but so I go, I'm knocking on the door, and I'm like, she's not answering.

01:31:27.700 I'm like, oh, man, don't tell me, like, they'll finally come to see her, you know, and that

01:31:32.960 would be my mom, you know, because that's how she is.

01:31:35.680 I finally come to visit, and she goes and dies just to show me up, you know? 0.98

01:31:39.220 Like, I could see her doing that shit, but I look through the window, through the blinds, 0.99

01:31:44.200 and through the back blind that's open, and she's laying out in the back in the bikini, 1.00

01:31:47.720 right?

01:31:48.020 Because my mom would, like, the one time she would spend by herself, she would get in

01:31:52.420 her bikini and get herself a can of beer and go lay on the side of that house. 1.00

01:31:56.240 How old is your mom now, if you don't mind me asking?

01:31:57.900 She's probably 74, maybe.

01:32:01.200 Wow, you're lucky, man.

01:32:03.760 She's getting-

01:32:04.280 You don't see her a lot, do you?

01:32:05.220 She's growing up.

01:32:06.560 I see her, like, probably twice a year.

01:32:08.620 I'm trying to do a little bit more.

01:32:10.000 This was the first time I'd ever went and, like, visited my mother in years, you know?

01:32:14.020 Like, she never asked, she never, like, says, like, I want you to come.

01:32:17.940 You know, she doesn't, she doesn't like to assert herself into things, really, you know?

01:32:25.400 She just, she likes to kind of keep her distance, I think, in some ways.

01:32:30.300 But, anyway, so I look through the thing, and I see her in the back in that bikini in 0.99

01:32:34.480 the chair, and it brought all the memories out from when I was a kid. 0.73

01:32:36.760 Sometimes, like, if she'd had enough, she'd fucking go lay out in the side yard and put 0.99

01:32:41.320 a fucking can of beer, you know? 0.98

01:32:43.040 And if I, look, our whole apartment complex was always sinking in the mud. 1.00

01:32:47.820 We was always fucking fighting with the landlord. 0.96

01:32:50.120 It's like, give us 45 bucks off. 0.99

01:32:52.180 We're fucking, you know, the dinner table's two inches lower than it was last week, you 0.94

01:32:56.380 know? 0.96

01:32:56.840 So mom's chair would be over there just slowly. 1.00

01:32:59.560 We thought that bitch was going to disappear, bro. 1.00

01:33:02.580 Now, who's she live with? 1.00

01:33:04.080 She lives by herself.

01:33:05.100 And who's down there with her?

01:33:06.400 Nobody.

01:33:07.560 She likes to live.

01:33:08.160 She likes to be by herself.

01:33:09.480 She likes to, she's always, like, gone.

01:33:12.220 Like, even when I was young, she always was going.

01:33:17.560 That's one thing I remember about her.

01:33:18.960 She always had to go.

01:33:20.600 That's the one thing I think I remember the most about my mom.

01:33:22.880 She always had to go.

01:33:24.280 She always had to go to work.

01:33:25.460 She always had to move away. 0.90

01:33:27.400 She, just how she's built, you know, something inside of her, she, it's hard for her to stay 1.00

01:33:32.280 right there.

01:33:32.700 Well, that's where you get it from.

01:33:33.880 I know.

01:33:34.200 Me too.

01:33:34.540 And listen, we were talking about that before.

01:33:36.560 We didn't really touch on it.

01:33:37.160 That's where I get it from.

01:33:38.280 You know, I'm in the same boat as you.

01:33:40.500 You sit there and you go, nobody calls me to do anything.

01:33:44.460 And when they do call, you know, I'm living a life now off of Bill Hicks.

01:33:50.480 That's what I'm doing now.

01:33:52.300 Bill Hicks had the greatest joke that couldn't be any truer.

01:33:56.360 Marijuana does not make you lazy.

01:33:58.740 It just makes you realize that what you're going to do just ain't worth doing.

01:34:04.220 And that's why I'm at my point in my life now.

01:34:06.460 There's days I go, you know what?

01:34:08.220 For me to get into this party, I got to drive an hour and a half. 0.98

01:34:11.180 By the time I get back and I got to hear shit, you know, it's just a thousand variables. 0.98

01:34:15.640 You give yourself excuses. 0.99

01:34:17.460 But then again, Tom Hardy says that once you spend time alone for a while, you like it.

01:34:23.600 And some people like it and there's nothing wrong with that, Theo.

01:34:26.640 Theo, listen, at this age and at any age, from the time I was 20, my favorite thing, 0.79

01:34:33.940 yeah, everybody likes to have sex.

01:34:36.300 Everybody likes to eat good food. 0.98

01:34:37.920 But between me and you, give me a joint and a good book.

01:34:41.640 And put me in the corner, I'm good.

01:34:44.480 I'll smoke a joint every two hours, take a bite of the sandwich.

01:34:47.700 I love reading.

01:34:49.160 Yeah. 0.99

01:34:49.440 That's the happiest I am when I'm fucking reading. 0.98

01:34:53.100 If I don't have a book now in the hotel, I'll go back and start looking up recuperation 0.98

01:34:57.220 for men over 60, benefits of boxing, you know, benefits of breathing. 1.00

01:35:02.900 You know, I'm a fucking idiot. 1.00

01:35:04.160 But I like to read. 1.00

01:35:05.920 I love it.

01:35:06.660 That's my thing then.

01:35:07.560 Benefits of breathing. 1.00

01:35:08.520 Yeah, I'm one of those fucking idiots. 1.00

01:35:10.720 You press benefits on my page and every benefit comes up. 1.00

01:35:15.020 Benefits of drinking water. 1.00

01:35:16.340 Benefits of washing your ass. 1.00

01:35:18.160 Benefits of doing, you know, I'm the captain benefit. 1.00

01:35:21.360 I want to know everything that I can about something.

01:35:24.700 Yeah.

01:35:24.780 That's the happiest I am.

01:35:26.060 And you don't read a book in a team.

01:35:28.620 You don't read a book with 20 people.

01:35:30.460 Yeah.

01:35:30.760 You know, that's what I love it. 0.97

01:35:33.560 I fucking like a point. 0.97

01:35:35.180 We do stand up. 0.99

01:35:36.440 We would not. 0.99

01:35:37.480 We wish we could have joined the fucking improv troupe and been to the wall flowers. 0.99

01:35:42.060 And no, we like being up there alone with a microphone with four bricks and working ourselves 0.99

01:35:48.320 out of there.

01:35:49.280 Takes a certain person want to be a comic, bro.

01:35:52.180 Yeah.

01:35:52.580 Takes a certain person.

01:35:53.620 Yeah, I think sometimes I do compare myself to just like people that aren't comics that

01:35:57.120 much.

01:35:57.520 And then you have to realize how odd it is to do that job.

01:36:01.860 It's an odd thing to do.

01:36:03.160 It's an odd job. 1.00

01:36:03.580 If you saw an animal do it in the woods, you'd be like, that fucking animal's out of his fucking 1.00

01:36:07.960 mind. 1.00

01:36:08.120 We're crazy. 0.99

01:36:09.820 We're crazy as stand up. 0.99

01:36:11.420 We're not normal. 0.98

01:36:12.920 We are not normal.

01:36:13.960 There's something.

01:36:15.080 You have to come to terms with all the things we are as comics.

01:36:17.780 We can't question them.

01:36:19.900 That's who we are.

01:36:21.040 You could have been a doctor.

01:36:22.260 We could have been a lawyer. 0.97

01:36:23.000 We could have been a bum. 1.00

01:36:23.900 We could have been a hooker. 1.00

01:36:25.060 Yeah. 0.98

01:36:25.280 We chose something that, you know, I don't know why I chose it.

01:36:29.420 I just love Richard Pryor.

01:36:30.860 And I knew once I had the felonies, I wasn't going to do anything else that I really liked.

01:36:35.940 Yeah. 0.99

01:36:36.860 This is not, you know, comedy is a profession for fucking guys like us. 0.98

01:36:41.860 Me and you have a little darkness in our past. 0.97

01:36:44.380 We can't figure out what it is, but it makes us tick.

01:36:48.640 Yeah.

01:36:49.200 I loved hearing Richard Pryor too, man.

01:36:51.160 I loved hearing him say the N word. 1.00

01:36:52.620 Me too.

01:36:53.280 My mom wouldn't let us say it. 1.00

01:36:55.880 And we're like, well, fuck, man. 1.00

01:36:57.500 We got to hear it, you know? 1.00

01:36:59.080 And so I remember we would hear him say it, dude. 0.91

01:37:01.980 Just those books like by, who's the crazy white guy? 0.65

01:37:06.780 Mark Twain? 0.77

01:37:07.500 No.

01:37:07.940 Mark Wahlberg? 0.99

01:37:08.600 The comic, the comic before fucking Richard Pryor. 0.99

01:37:12.100 That was a white guy. 0.97

01:37:12.840 Lenny Bruce.

01:37:13.480 Lenny Bruce.

01:37:14.120 Have you ever read any of his books?

01:37:16.340 Yeah.

01:37:16.780 One of his books I read.

01:37:17.620 Next time you're having a hard time with yourself, go order one of his books.

01:37:22.300 Ladies and gentlemen, Legendary, How to Talk Dirty, any of those books.

01:37:28.720 But he has one particular book.

01:37:31.760 That one.

01:37:32.580 The black one there? 1.00

01:37:34.020 The Essential Lenny Bruce?

01:37:36.680 That one.

01:37:38.380 That book will tell you more about yourself than you know about yourself.

01:37:43.800 Wow.

01:37:44.140 He lived at the Chelsea Hotel.

01:37:46.580 He partied with strippers and jazz musicians and did heroin every night.

01:37:50.900 There was no responsibility.

01:37:53.440 He got up when he got up.

01:37:54.640 He didn't have to be at work till 11 o'clock at night. 0.99

01:37:56.840 Remember, they only did fucking burlesque shows. 0.98

01:38:01.400 In fact, you ever go to Jackson, Tennessee? 0.99

01:38:04.780 I don't think I have.

01:38:05.540 Jackson's like an hour outside of Nashville.

01:38:08.860 Jackson's got a comedy club.

01:38:10.380 That used to be a burlesque club.

01:38:12.340 Wow.

01:38:12.680 And Lenny Bruce used to play there in the 50s and 60s.

01:38:15.760 If you ever have a chance to go to this place, go out there.

01:38:19.440 I forget the name.

01:38:19.920 Just look at it.

01:38:20.940 Google it.

01:38:21.680 It's like a comedy club in Jackson.

01:38:25.220 Yeah, that's it, I think.

01:38:26.780 731 Comedy Club.

01:38:29.700 That could be it.

01:38:30.700 That's it.

01:38:31.580 Guy was great.

01:38:32.400 You know, I had been at Zaney's already one time.

01:38:35.360 Yeah.

01:38:35.660 And I was going back to see my in-laws, so I wanted to do stand-up one night.

01:38:39.020 Not a big room.

01:38:39.980 There wasn't a lot of money. 1.00

01:38:41.520 Fucking guy could cook. 0.99

01:38:42.880 He had Italian food. 0.99

01:38:43.940 He was telling the stories about all the comics that would come through there in the 50s and 60s.

01:38:49.300 Yeah. 0.99

01:38:49.680 And fucking Jackson, Tennessee. 1.00

01:38:52.300 No wonder fucking my boy Johnny Cash was going to Jackson, right? 1.00

01:38:56.020 Wasn't he going to Jackson? 0.99

01:38:56.680 We're going to Jackson.

01:38:58.560 Go comb your hair.

01:39:00.460 Yeah.

01:39:01.200 See if I care.

01:39:02.900 We're not, you know, and that's why I went home.

01:39:04.800 I went home.

01:39:05.800 Listen, I could have came to Austin.

01:39:07.220 I could have moved to Nashville.

01:39:09.200 I had an opportunity in Telluride, Colorado.

01:39:11.780 I wanted to come back to Jersey to find myself.

01:39:15.760 Do you think that you've gathered what you wanted to find?

01:39:22.280 Yeah.

01:39:22.920 Yeah?

01:39:23.360 Yeah.

01:39:23.700 Because now I'm at peace.

01:39:26.380 I'm at peace with myself.

01:39:27.780 I'm at peace with my friends, with my family.

01:39:31.480 You know, I'm just at peace.

01:39:32.660 Did you have any amends to make whenever you got there or no?

01:39:34.480 Everything was pretty chill.

01:39:36.100 Listen, I thought about making amends.

01:39:38.480 But the people that was going to make amends still weren't worth making the amends to. 0.96

01:39:42.380 You know, that was 40 fucking years ago. 0.98

01:39:44.600 Knock it off and deal with it. 0.98

01:39:46.600 My amends was doing something with my life, right?

01:39:49.640 That was my amends.

01:39:50.780 If you really cared about me or care about anybody, you look at them and go, that dude 0.99

01:39:54.880 fucked me over 30 years ago. 0.99

01:39:56.220 Well, guess what? 0.99

01:39:57.040 He did something with his life.

01:39:58.600 You have two options. 1.00

01:39:59.600 The guy fucked me over, but he died in a car accident. 1.00

01:40:02.080 Fuck him. 1.00

01:40:02.840 He deserved what he got. 1.00

01:40:03.860 He was a scumbag. 1.00

01:40:04.680 Or, you know what, man? 1.00

01:40:06.180 The guy robbed me.

01:40:07.560 He was having problems as a kid.

01:40:09.280 I'm happy he got his life together.

01:40:10.960 Yeah.

01:40:11.280 And that's what it was like. 0.96

01:40:12.360 I'm not going to fucking apologize to nobody in there. 0.98

01:40:14.340 That was a long fucking time ago. 0.99

01:40:15.700 Get over it. 0.97

01:40:15.900 Yeah, I didn't know if anything wild had happened.

01:40:17.980 No, no, no, no.

01:40:18.920 I don't have anything like that either, I don't think, from my hometown.

01:40:21.200 No, I just wanted to go home and recoup L.A.

01:40:25.900 You know, when you've been there for a long time, it's a number on your head for a while.

01:40:29.680 Like, just, you know, we thought there was a lot of rejection.

01:40:32.380 Oh, yeah.

01:40:33.020 A lot of rejection.

01:40:33.600 Driving across town.

01:40:34.440 A lot of parking.

01:40:35.780 Parking.

01:40:36.900 Getting in.

01:40:37.880 Checking at the station.

01:40:39.000 Walking there.

01:40:39.540 Don't even know my lines. 1.00

01:40:40.960 Don't even give a fuck. 1.00

01:40:42.380 Hate the place. 1.00

01:40:43.420 Hate myself. 1.00

01:40:44.780 Fuck them. 1.00

01:40:45.680 Fuck me. 1.00

01:40:46.740 Walk in there. 1.00

01:40:47.940 Nervous as fuck. 1.00

01:40:49.300 Bomb the shit. 1.00

01:40:50.520 Walk outside. 1.00

01:40:51.840 Scream the N-word in my head. 0.67

01:40:53.920 Go back out through the parking thing. 0.76

01:40:55.820 Return my badge.

01:40:56.900 Get my ID back.

01:40:57.780 Get in my car. 1.00

01:40:58.680 And fucking go home. 1.00

01:41:02.060 It is. 1.00

01:41:03.060 You know, people have no idea what we did.

01:41:05.560 We got to L.A., figured it out.

01:41:09.080 That's true.

01:41:10.060 Figured it out.

01:41:10.880 Which, listen.

01:41:12.180 That's alone.

01:41:13.500 That alone.

01:41:14.160 The parking meters alone.

01:41:16.520 Quarter gets you six minutes, dude.

01:41:19.400 Dog, I had so many tickets when I first moved to L.A.

01:41:22.720 They took a car.

01:41:24.100 I mean, my apartment got towed.

01:41:25.480 Remember, I lived in my car.

01:41:26.600 Ralphie Mae and those guys go, oh, your apartment got towed.

01:41:30.300 It was that scrambling.

01:41:33.340 I would do it 20 more times.

01:41:35.660 Yeah.

01:41:36.800 That not having money to eat lunch and having to rob the gas station for a pack of cigarettes

01:41:40.680 on the way to Josh Wolf's house to get a turkey burger. 0.94

01:41:43.680 You know, to fucking borrow eight bucks to go to Sunset Grill and get a burger with the guy with the bum leg. 0.98

01:41:50.060 You know, nobody knows that, what it's like to showcase for Jay Massad and them telling you, like, why are you here? 0.97

01:41:57.740 Yeah.

01:41:58.100 You know, and thank God, Jay.

01:42:00.560 You know, Mitzi passed me right off the bat.

01:42:03.580 Thank God.

01:42:04.700 But then it was seven years of I can't get an agent.

01:42:09.740 And you can't do this.

01:42:11.020 And you can't do that.

01:42:11.740 Oh, yeah.

01:42:12.180 And most people would have quit, Theo.

01:42:14.440 We did something that a lot of people just can't handle.

01:42:18.180 They moved back and they go, you know what?

01:42:19.860 It wasn't for me.

01:42:20.620 And I, listen, I understand that. 0.90

01:42:23.360 I fucking definitely understand that. 0.85

01:42:25.700 But for me, I think it was time to move on to the next chapter. 0.90

01:42:30.740 I'm trying to find what that chapter is now.

01:42:33.240 You wrote a book.

01:42:34.380 Wrote a book.

01:42:35.420 That was cool, man.

01:42:35.980 I feel bad that I haven't even read it, but I did just order it today.

01:42:38.760 I didn't even know that you had written it.

01:42:40.060 I don't think.

01:42:41.160 Actually, you know what?

01:42:41.820 I think when I did your podcast last time over Zoom, I think you remember telling me

01:42:46.120 that you had done it.

01:42:48.180 But that's awesome.

01:42:50.500 Tremendous. 0.98

01:42:51.180 I was trying to write that book for fucking 20 years. 0.99

01:42:53.940 I know. 0.97

01:42:54.280 A lot of comics always have that book milling around in them, huh?

01:42:56.860 And then I kept writing and making notes.

01:42:59.340 And then I kept trying to hook up with a writer.

01:43:02.280 Tremendous.

01:43:03.000 And then I hooked up with Jimmy Florentine's niece.

01:43:06.100 Really?

01:43:06.760 Yeah.

01:43:07.140 His young niece. 0.99

01:43:08.060 And she fucking helped me. 0.99

01:43:09.540 And listen, man, we sold some copies. 0.99

01:43:11.920 We made it to number nine on the audio book in New York Times, which for a dirty comic 0.98

01:43:16.760 and a criminal, that's not too fucking bad. 1.00

01:43:18.900 Rocky got that cock on him, baby. 1.00

01:43:20.280 Rocky got that cock on him, motherfucker. 1.00

01:43:22.240 Go, dude. 1.00

01:43:23.220 Before, you were saying something really funny.

01:43:25.740 And I interrupted you.

01:43:26.640 I had to go to the bathroom.

01:43:27.400 But you were telling me that you used to call people and tell them celebrities died.

01:43:31.400 And, oh, yeah, yeah, dude.

01:43:32.740 And so we'd go like on Boy Scouts or whatever.

01:43:34.820 My buddy was in the Boy Scouts.

01:43:36.260 And so I remember one time we went on a camping trip with them.

01:43:39.560 And right when we started out, I told everybody Jay Leno had died, right?

01:43:43.880 I've told this story before, but I love it.

01:43:46.020 And I was like, you know, Jay Leno died.

01:43:49.240 And so all the dads were like, oh, gosh, that's so sorry to hear that.

01:43:53.440 And so then throughout the rest of the weekend, I'd be in my tent, right?

01:43:56.720 And I'd hear the dads out there talking one I'm telling the other one. 0.99

01:43:59.340 And, you know, Jay Leno passed away, and I would be in my tent, bro, fucking howling, bro, laughing at a level where it was like coming out of my fucking spine. 0.98

01:44:11.640 And I don't know why stuff like that made me laugh so much. 0.98

01:44:15.500 I don't know if it was that I had control, like a hidden control or that I was affecting things without them knowing. 0.99

01:44:21.420 I mean, it just, there was nothing as good as that, bro, as that kind of shit, dude. 0.99

01:44:26.600 When you fuck with people, like, you know, control fucking with people, like me telling Lonnie Bravo Rogan was in the CIA, all that shit, bro, it's always great. 0.99

01:44:37.760 But the best thing I ever think I did, and I did it on accident, remember Chuck Liddell? 1.00

01:44:43.360 Yeah. 0.94

01:44:43.920 When Chuck Liddell was the fucking king of the UFC, he was the king of the UFC, okay? 0.98

01:44:49.860 So I get a call from Eddie Bravo one. 0.99

01:44:52.420 No.

01:44:52.620 You know, I find out that Fidel Castro died.

01:44:58.660 I get a call from a friend of mine, he goes, you know, Fidel died. 1.00

01:45:01.200 I go, thank God that motherfucker died. 1.00

01:45:04.580 And all of a sudden I call Eddie. 1.00

01:45:06.300 I go, Eddie, where you at?

01:45:07.580 And he goes, I'm sitting here with Dana White or something.

01:45:11.340 And I go, you know, Fidel died, but the phone didn't say it right.

01:45:15.920 It said Liddell.

01:45:17.160 So he goes, let me call you back.

01:45:18.520 And he hung off the phone.

01:45:19.220 He told Dana White that Joey Diaz just called him, told him Chuck Liddell died.

01:45:24.680 I said Fidel, not Liddell, right? 0.99

01:45:28.860 Now this is Dana White's fucking man at the time. 0.99

01:45:32.120 Dana White's got no hair, and he lost even, he lost the hair he was going to give his children. 1.00

01:45:37.340 Fucking, how could this be? 0.99

01:45:40.300 Eddie Bravo called Dana and says, Liddell died. 1.00

01:45:44.120 Not Liddell, Fidel, you fuck. 1.00

01:45:46.460 That's fucking good. 1.00

01:45:49.900 I love that kind of shit. 1.00

01:45:51.780 Did your, did your parents come over from Cuba? 1.00

01:45:54.840 I don't remember.

01:45:55.400 Both of them?

01:45:56.040 Mm-hmm.

01:45:56.600 Wow.

01:45:57.480 I'm 100%.

01:45:58.560 There ain't no, well.

01:45:59.820 We went there when I was a student.

01:46:01.480 Yeah, you told me.

01:46:02.260 Yeah, I remember, yeah.

01:46:03.360 We went there.

01:46:04.040 And Fidel came and spoke to our class, I remember.

01:46:07.120 But I, we, we didn't speak enough Spanish to know a ton of, they had a translator.

01:46:10.980 Where was, where did you go to college?

01:46:12.640 LSU?

01:46:13.440 Yeah, over at LSU and University of Arizona.

01:46:17.320 But it was a thing called Semester at Sea.

01:46:19.360 It was like a floating college, but we stopped there on the cruise ship.

01:46:21.980 Wow.

01:46:22.240 I was working in a bookstore, so we pull up in a Cuba, dude, and all the people are there

01:46:25.800 having, you know, and we're like throwing all our tennis shoes, everything we own that

01:46:29.420 they could have, we're throwing it off the boat, bro.

01:46:32.020 And like, you would be walking through town and people would like, have you come up to

01:46:34.760 their windows? 0.98

01:46:35.200 And they would tell you like, just about like the control they were under and shit. 0.95

01:46:39.380 And it was like top secret kind of, but we got to go to a baseball game. 0.90

01:46:43.140 Dude, a cup, some group was partying in this alley somewhere.

01:46:45.880 I went over there, I'm dancing, partying, they cut open a birthday cake, bro. 0.99

01:46:48.920 We thought it was like a fucking, a party for like an old man. 0.99

01:46:53.840 Next thing I know, I turn around. 1.00

01:46:55.880 This old dude is going down on one of the chicks, bro. 0.99

01:46:59.720 It's some guys and some hookers in there. 1.00

01:47:01.940 Like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:47:03.540 Damn, don't fuck around. 1.00

01:47:04.760 I thought it was like somebody's grandpa's birthday, bro. 1.00

01:47:08.600 I'm over there singing the Pledge of Allegiance. 0.98

01:47:11.460 I look over, dude, this guy's fucking trying to get back in the birth canal over here. 1.00

01:47:16.720 I thought Cuba's a dirty fucking country, bro. 1.00

01:47:20.840 It was awesome, dude. 1.00

01:47:21.580 They got tons of hookers down there. 1.00

01:47:23.340 Oh, it was apparently so. 1.00

01:47:25.540 Tons of hookers down there. 1.00

01:47:27.280 God, I got to go back. 1.00

01:47:27.780 And those girls come up here and they destroy it. 1.00

01:47:30.000 They're all over Jersey, those Cuban hookers. 1.00

01:47:31.560 Really? 1.00

01:47:32.700 Wow, I got to get out more?

01:47:34.600 There's a strip club in Jersey that my friend, I grew up with this guy, he owns.

01:47:38.740 And they keep closing them down because they're just nasty. 0.98

01:47:42.460 You know, they're fucking 60 deep in there. 0.99

01:47:45.660 I went in there like three times and I'm like, this is buck wild. 0.97

01:47:49.340 There was a biker chick that would slam her heels together. 1.00

01:47:52.140 And every time her heels would come, I got to get out of here.

01:47:55.560 Oh, every year.

01:47:56.500 But they had a bunch of Cuban girls in there. 1.00

01:47:58.140 And I would go in there once a week just to talk to the one Cuban girl. 1.00

01:48:02.220 And she would tell me about Cuba, what's going on.

01:48:05.440 And she would tell me right now, why don't you just sit there? 1.00

01:48:07.580 Why don't you go get your dick sucked? 1.00

01:48:09.340 That's their mentality. 1.00

01:48:10.560 They're like, what? 1.00

01:48:11.160 There's thousands of girls that will suck your dick. 1.00

01:48:13.360 What are you there talking, watching the game for? 1.00

01:48:15.040 I'm like, I'm married.

01:48:16.140 Who cares?

01:48:16.860 Go have a good time.

01:48:17.640 Your wife ain't going to mind them. 1.00

01:48:18.740 I mean, they're fucking open-minded as shit. 1.00

01:48:20.640 I'm like, nah. 1.00

01:48:22.180 That's when I might get a real Spanish wife or something. 1.00

01:48:26.800 Be nice, huh?

01:48:28.120 Yeah.

01:48:29.060 That would balance you out a little bit.

01:48:31.060 Yes.

01:48:31.380 They'll smack you around, take your money. 1.00

01:48:33.520 Fuck. 1.00

01:48:34.880 You know. 1.00

01:48:35.740 This is my wife.

01:48:37.660 How'd you know you were in love when you met your wife, dude?

01:48:39.960 Did you know it?

01:48:41.060 No.

01:48:42.800 Did it grow on you?

01:48:43.900 You think it's hard for guys like us to be in love, kind of?

01:48:46.340 Yes.

01:48:46.980 Because our first love is comedy.

01:48:50.840 That's when you're in L.A., not when you're in your hometown.

01:48:53.820 Once you get to L.A. and you're caught up, that's your love.

01:48:57.500 When you really, really think about it, at the end of the day, that's your love.

01:49:00.500 I was with my wife maybe three years before, you know, it was like, but thank God she had patience.

01:49:12.500 Thank God I had patience.

01:49:14.060 And it wasn't until my wife and I got together.

01:49:18.560 We're going to be together 24 years next month.

01:49:21.640 And it wasn't until I got to Longest Yard.

01:49:24.800 It was 2004.

01:49:26.560 We were struggling.

01:49:28.200 Every week was a struggle.

01:49:29.520 Her and I were living together.

01:49:31.280 The relationship was good, but we were always struggling.

01:49:34.020 We had no money.

01:49:35.200 We had six cats.

01:49:37.000 Oh, yeah.

01:49:37.720 And I got to Longest Yard, and I went to shoot it, and when I came back home, I had to shoot, you know, for 11 weeks.

01:49:46.460 My call time was at 4.45 every morning.

01:49:49.480 Oh, my God.

01:49:50.100 In Orange County, 4.45. 0.99

01:49:55.540 So I don't know how many times I got up at 3 in the morning, and my fucking costume would be out. 0.98

01:50:02.520 She'd be cooking eggs at 3 in the morning for me. 0.98

01:50:05.720 And I go, what did I do to deserve this?

01:50:08.020 You know, like, and that's when I realized I really love her.

01:50:12.580 You know, I wasn't going to get married again.

01:50:15.900 Once you get married and you lose, I'm a Catholic.

01:50:18.260 You do it one time, and you move on.

01:50:20.260 I wasn't looking to get married.

01:50:22.340 I wasn't looking to waste anybody's time.

01:50:24.400 I'm not a big time waster. 0.98

01:50:25.760 If it's not working, let's move the fuck on, you know. 0.96

01:50:28.540 But with her, it was different, and now it's tremendous. 0.99

01:50:32.420 Like, I mean, it's now, after 24, I look at her, and I'm like, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here.

01:50:38.900 Wow.

01:50:39.900 Did moving to Jersey help you guys' relationship, you think?

01:50:43.340 One thing about me and my wife, I got to be honest with you, we got into a fight in December in Nashville.

01:50:49.080 Yeah, good.

01:50:50.080 Beside that, me and my wife never really, we got into, like, it was a long-awaited battle.

01:50:56.320 Her family, me, the whole thing.

01:50:58.580 I just went home.

01:50:59.660 I was in Nashville for Christmas.

01:51:01.080 I just went home Christmas Day, and she got mad at me for, like, two weeks.

01:51:04.980 We had a little problem at the house for two weeks.

01:51:07.580 But ever since then, it's been, and before then, it was smooth, you know. 0.98

01:51:13.120 And we're fucking a great team. 0.97

01:51:15.140 And now we got this little girl, and, you know, we bought this house. 0.99

01:51:18.620 We paid it off. 0.99

01:51:19.660 We did so many fucking things in three years, you know. 0.99

01:51:22.780 She's an accountant. 0.99

01:51:23.980 So I got pensions.

01:51:25.520 I got a pension for the pension, another pension.

01:51:28.460 Hopefully she's laundering money from you, too. 1.00

01:51:30.280 Yeah, she's laundering, too. 0.99

01:51:31.740 You know, I mean, she's, it's great for me.

01:51:35.800 I never thought I would say something like this.

01:51:37.900 Yeah, that's what I find interesting.

01:51:39.460 Whatever in my life tell you.

01:51:41.960 For me, it was the best thing that happened at that time.

01:51:45.180 Was there a fear to do it?

01:51:46.880 Like, was there a fear to be like, okay, this is. 1.00

01:51:49.140 Fuck you. 1.00

01:51:49.680 Theo, look at our lives. 1.00

01:51:51.880 We go on the road.

01:51:53.060 We bump into a girl.

01:51:55.500 You do things with them for three days.

01:51:57.520 Then you come back a year later, and there they are.

01:51:59.320 And then one time you come back, and they obviously have a boyfriend.

01:52:02.180 Yeah.

01:52:02.380 And they bring them to the show, and that's when the relationship ends.

01:52:06.220 And I was in Boulder before I went to L.A.

01:52:08.580 And I had, honest to God, no lie, I probably had six girls on the rotation 0.99

01:52:13.500 that would just come over to snort coke and have sex. 1.00

01:52:16.700 Yeah, that's a beautiful, I mean, yeah. 0.99

01:52:18.740 It's a beautiful thing, but it's like, you get used to it.

01:52:22.200 Right, and yeah, and then it runs its course, and then time changes.

01:52:25.180 And you come back, and you're still living five years ago,

01:52:27.140 and now they got chilled, they got a fan, so everything changes.

01:52:30.280 So, like, I was never going to get remarried.

01:52:33.860 I got the movie.

01:52:37.100 Then it took me two more years of struggling on coke.

01:52:39.760 I mean, a horrid two years.

01:52:42.660 Heroin, and then, and that was what was killing me, that I was hurting her. 1.00

01:52:47.240 And one day I go, you know what, I got to stop this shit, 0.99

01:52:49.900 because, listen, I'm old school. 1.00

01:52:52.600 I found my mother dead, and I'm here.

01:52:55.500 You know, I could find somebody dead,

01:52:57.580 but I never wanted her to find me dead.

01:53:00.420 Right.

01:53:00.580 Because she couldn't handle it.

01:53:01.980 That would live with her for the rest of her life.

01:53:04.600 So that's what made me get clean off coke.

01:53:07.220 I didn't want her.

01:53:08.440 There were two reasons I got off coke.

01:53:10.820 One, I didn't want her to find me,

01:53:12.780 and number two, if something happened to me,

01:53:15.640 I didn't want people telling Rogan he was wrong.

01:53:18.520 That meant a lot to me, that he had my back.

01:53:21.500 So now he's got my back 100%, because, so I got clean,

01:53:26.300 and then two years later I proposed to her on the phone.

01:53:31.120 Oh, yeah.

01:53:31.180 I just go, it's time.

01:53:32.140 It's time. 1.00

01:53:32.980 No more shit. 1.00

01:53:33.960 I was going for a ride, and I go, you know what, I got to marry this girl. 1.00

01:53:37.340 And then two years later she got pregnant.

01:53:39.260 So it was all like.

01:53:41.140 That's interesting, man, saying, like, I don't want to hurt you,

01:53:43.440 so I'm going to stop hurting me, you know?

01:53:45.220 Yeah.

01:53:46.080 I don't want to hurt this person.

01:53:48.060 She could never handle waking up and finding me on the floor.

01:53:51.800 Yeah.

01:53:52.140 She doesn't have it.

01:53:53.020 It's not in her DNA.

01:53:54.340 She's very sweet.

01:53:56.260 We're animals. 1.00

01:53:57.740 We could find anybody dead and the next day fucking go eat a pizza. 1.00

01:54:01.680 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:02.540 But she's from a different cloth, so. 1.00

01:54:05.060 Hey, Rocky got that cock on him, dude. 1.00

01:54:07.720 What's that? 0.99

01:54:08.460 Rocky got that medium pepperoni on him, dude.

01:54:10.700 I'm telling you, dude.

01:54:11.320 Look, that's true, dude.

01:54:13.460 Sometimes I'll be sitting with somebody, I'll be like,

01:54:15.000 if this person died, what would I do with him right now? 1.00

01:54:17.280 I literally will think that kind of shit. 1.00

01:54:20.160 It's fucking crazy, man. 1.00

01:54:21.440 Yeah, and I'm just sitting in the backseat of an Uber, 0.99

01:54:23.780 and you're like, what the fuck would I do with this guy, you know? 0.96

01:54:26.180 Do you ever have tough moments, like when you think back on your own mom 0.98

01:54:31.820 and just that whole situation?

01:54:33.520 Do you ever, like, on Mother's Day, do you do anything special?

01:54:35.840 Do you just say, like, a special prayer? 1.00

01:54:39.780 It's like these idiots celebrate 420 one day a year. 1.00

01:54:43.840 I do 420 every day. 1.00

01:54:46.200 There's not a day I don't think about my mom.

01:54:48.560 In fact, I didn't even bring flowers to a cemetery this time.

01:54:52.920 I went to a cemetery when I moved back to Jersey. 1.00

01:54:55.280 It looked like a fucking rat's nest. 0.99

01:54:58.520 I went, I complained, I brought some tools up there, 0.99

01:55:01.020 I did some cleaning, and it's, like, scared me now.

01:55:05.380 And it's, like, now I don't even want to be buried.

01:55:08.060 I don't want the people to have to come visit me

01:55:10.040 and clean up my grave. 1.00

01:55:11.340 Burn the shit out of me. 1.00

01:55:12.540 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:55:13.380 Well done. 1.00

01:55:14.340 The last bullet.

01:55:15.140 Well done. 1.00

01:55:15.780 I'm not fucking, don't come visit me. 1.00

01:55:18.500 She lives in your heart, D.O. 1.00

01:55:20.100 They live in your heart and in your mind 1.00

01:55:21.980 and funny fucking stories and, you know. 0.99

01:55:25.480 Yeah, do you remember, like, a funny story that you, 0.99

01:55:27.440 like, do you have, like, a real fun memory

01:55:29.460 that you remember with your mom?

01:55:31.040 Oh, I got 30,000 of those things where it's just,

01:55:35.000 I still remember a night where I was probably, like,

01:55:37.980 in the eighth grade.

01:55:40.980 Maybe in the seventh grade.

01:55:42.480 The second time.

01:55:43.300 Because I got left back in the seventh grade.

01:55:45.060 Real G's do it twice, son. 0.99

01:55:47.900 My mother used to fucking own a bar. 1.00

01:55:50.260 And every night at 3, she'd come home, 3.15. 0.99

01:55:53.480 And some nights she'd walk me up with food.

01:55:55.700 Some nights she'd just walk me up to talk to me

01:55:57.620 and see how my day went.

01:55:59.580 This one particular night she woke up and she's like,

01:56:01.740 get dressed.

01:56:03.480 There's a girl downstairs that wants to meet you. 0.88

01:56:06.100 That was my mother. 0.71

01:56:08.520 She's like, go downstairs. 0.99

01:56:09.480 And I went down, like, with warm-ups or something.

01:56:12.440 Yeah.

01:56:12.840 And there were, like, three of my uncles 0.99

01:56:14.100 and there was other women and fucking my stepdad 1.00

01:56:16.820 and this girl was dancing with me. 0.99

01:56:18.380 And I'm like, hold on.

01:56:19.680 I got to go up and put on my suit.

01:56:21.560 At 4 in the morning, I went upstairs and put on a suit.

01:56:24.700 And they're all like, go, Joey.

01:56:26.500 And I'm dancing with Coquito.

01:56:27.780 They would call me Coquito.

01:56:28.860 And I'm dancing with this girl. 1.00

01:56:30.360 I'm rubbing her tits and shit. 1.00

01:56:32.160 Finally, somebody gives me, like, a shot of whiskey. 1.00

01:56:34.440 And I'm, like, in the seventh grade.

01:56:36.820 And all of a sudden, they're, like, take her upstairs.

01:56:39.460 And I'm like, and my mom was there.

01:56:41.660 I didn't even make eye contact with my mom.

01:56:43.460 I just held her hand, and she took me upstairs to the attic.

01:56:46.660 Not even to my bedroom.

01:56:47.720 We had an attic where she was going to spend the night. 0.99

01:56:50.420 And, Theo, do you know till this day, I cannot tell you if I fucked her, 1.00

01:56:54.840 ate her, kissed her. 1.00

01:56:56.280 I think I just passed out from the fucking anxiety. 1.00

01:56:59.780 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:57:00.280 And that's the type of mom I had. 1.00

01:57:02.020 Like, she brought a girl home for me.

01:57:03.840 She took me to fight somebody once.

01:57:06.340 She would pick fights for me. 1.00

01:57:07.720 She was my Dana White.

01:57:08.740 Like, when I went to Catholic school and I come home, she's like,

01:57:11.680 you got to go home and change.

01:57:12.540 You got to fight at 3.30 in front of my boss.

01:57:15.000 Some guy cursed at me.

01:57:15.860 And I told him, come back here Friday at 3.30.

01:57:18.440 You're going to fight my son. 1.00

01:57:19.380 And I have to go up there and fight two fucking kids. 1.00

01:57:21.640 You know, it never ended, man, with this lady. 1.00

01:57:24.860 But those years, this is what I'm trying to do with my daughter now.

01:57:28.280 Because I remembered what, how my mom got to me.

01:57:32.360 And it was just real.

01:57:34.420 Like, I finally had to tell my daughter a couple months ago that I smoked pot.

01:57:38.260 11 years old.

01:57:39.540 And she's looked at me like, Dad, come on.

01:57:42.100 I know.

01:57:44.080 Smoke coming out of your mouth and you come out of the bathroom.

01:57:46.600 What do you think? 1.00

01:57:46.980 I'm stupid. 1.00

01:57:47.780 She's like, everybody knows that. 1.00

01:57:49.340 She's like, we have smoke coming out of our house and we don't have a chimney, Dad.

01:57:52.440 Okay.

01:57:52.660 Yeah. 0.99

01:57:53.020 I fucking go in the garage sometimes. 0.99

01:57:55.280 She's like, Dad, it smells in here. 0.99

01:57:56.720 And she'll go, and I go, company keeps breaking in my house and smoking dope. 1.00

01:58:00.780 And she's like, Dad.

01:58:03.260 So I'm really being honest with her.

01:58:05.780 Little steps at a time.

01:58:07.180 Like, I got to break it to her.

01:58:08.200 She's got a sister.

01:58:10.100 Soon, eventually, someday, I got to tell her the story.

01:58:12.620 Yeah.

01:58:13.380 I don't want to tell her now because I don't want her to think, well, what if me and mommy break up?

01:58:19.320 You'll never see us again.

01:58:20.380 So I got to be careful.

01:58:21.380 I thought when I put the book out, I would have to sit her down. 1.00

01:58:24.620 But it's been two years.

01:58:25.860 She hasn't read it.

01:58:26.780 For a year.

01:58:27.560 No, she's not going to read it until I tell her to read it.

01:58:29.760 Yeah.

01:58:30.980 So things like that, you know.

01:58:33.220 But I miss my mom.

01:58:35.020 I miss my childhood.

01:58:36.400 If it wasn't for my childhood, I would have never became the person I would have became.

01:58:40.600 Yeah.

01:58:41.080 Plain and simple.

01:58:41.840 Whether it's a criminal thing, everything I did in my childhood came to help me out later on.

01:58:46.960 You know, like in some way or another.

01:58:48.780 So I have no fucking regrets at all, you know. 0.90

01:58:54.120 Yeah. 0.97

01:58:56.720 Dang, man.

01:58:58.160 Thanks, dude.

01:58:58.880 Thanks for just sitting down.

01:58:59.780 It's just so good to just hear your voice even.

01:59:01.800 And I remember how much like when you would go on your lives, dude. 0.82

01:59:05.920 Remember when Mad Flavor was going fucking live, dude? 0.96

01:59:10.200 The world lit up. 0.92

01:59:11.660 Do you remember that, Nick?

01:59:13.080 The world.

01:59:13.820 People were like, Joe Coco's going live.

01:59:15.900 Dude, I would get texts from my friends back at home.

01:59:18.140 They'd be like, Coco's going live.

01:59:20.000 And I thought it was like a black stripper was going to do something, you know. 1.00

01:59:23.320 I didn't know what was happening. 0.78

01:59:24.180 Oh, the periscopes?

01:59:25.200 Yeah, when you would do periscopes.

01:59:26.580 I love them.

01:59:27.300 I love them.

01:59:28.120 And the cats, you'd be on your balcony.

01:59:30.040 Yeah, you can't smoke on Instagram. 0.99

01:59:31.900 They'll fucking shut you down. 0.97

01:59:33.580 So I can't do that stuff no more. 1.00

01:59:35.400 It's been fucking. 0.98

01:59:37.160 I love smoking on Instagram and stuff like that. 1.00

01:59:39.320 But you can't.

01:59:40.160 I haven't made a video on Instagram in three weeks.

01:59:42.820 That's ridiculous, though.

01:59:44.100 You can link.

01:59:44.840 Yeah.

01:59:45.660 There you go. 1.00

01:59:47.100 Fucking seven in the morning. 1.00

01:59:49.420 Seven in the morning. 1.00

01:59:50.840 I would get up just to take a shower to go out there, smoke, and talk to these fucking animals. 1.00

01:59:57.100 Dude, there was nothing like it, bro. 1.00

02:00:00.400 People, dude, I remember a deaf kid even fucking called me and talked to me and told me he was 1.00

02:00:04.720 excited about that shit. 1.00

02:00:06.120 Dude, people fucking came out of their own diseases and malfunctions. 1.00

02:00:10.860 Do you understand? 1.00

02:00:11.700 We were getting up at seven in the morning to do that shit. 1.00

02:00:15.740 At eight o'clock, I was already three sheets to the fucking wind. 1.00

02:00:19.900 There was a weed store that opened up at nine that gave out bagels in Studio City. 0.99

02:00:26.660 He was a Jewish guy. 0.99

02:00:28.280 I would be there at nine in the morning with him eating bagels, eating fucking banana bread. 0.99

02:00:33.680 You know, it had to give in eventually. 0.99

02:00:35.760 Now, listen, I got some edibles.

02:00:37.860 I didn't take them last night.

02:00:39.280 And that's why I was uptight last night on stage.

02:00:41.180 I got to drop them tonight. 0.99

02:00:42.180 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:00:42.900 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:43.460 I'm going to drop like 800, 1,000 milligrams tonight and go down there and torture Joe, 1.00

02:00:48.320 get some fucking barbecue. 0.99

02:00:49.740 Yeah, it'd be good. 0.99

02:00:50.600 I'll be down there, man.

02:00:51.820 Any chance of you moving to Austin?

02:00:53.180 Is that just a myth?

02:00:54.020 You know, Joe throws it around, you know?

02:00:56.080 Well, I'll tell you what.

02:00:57.380 For my situation now, it would, it makes sense.

02:01:03.020 I miss you guys.

02:01:04.220 I really do miss this.

02:01:06.340 Yeah, I miss it too.

02:01:07.160 I'm realizing that.

02:01:07.840 I don't want a week down here.

02:01:09.180 I don't want to be down here for a week.

02:01:10.740 That's too much.

02:01:11.820 Three, four days, eight, nine sets, get back on the plane and go home.

02:01:15.960 If I buy, I'll buy a condo or something in the building.

02:01:19.080 Like I told you, something that everything is there.

02:01:21.240 Like my niece in Nashville.

02:01:23.100 Everything.

02:01:23.620 She's got everything for $2,200 a month. 0.75

02:01:25.700 Everything, weights, music, they cook in the building.

02:01:30.560 If I could find one of those down here, maybe get Troy Conrad in with me,

02:01:34.540 maybe Lee, just somebody, you know?

02:01:37.740 If I'm not in town, they're in town.

02:01:39.620 Right.

02:01:40.080 Watching the joint.

02:01:41.040 You know, if they're not watching it, somebody else could come in.

02:01:43.480 I don't care.

02:01:44.400 That's what I'm thinking.

02:01:45.360 I can't buy a house down here.

02:01:46.840 I don't want to do that because I don't want to resettle. 0.99

02:01:50.140 I don't want to remove my daughter.

02:01:52.020 She's set up there now. 1.00

02:01:53.360 You know, for me to remove her again, fuck that. 1.00

02:01:56.900 Yeah. 1.00

02:01:58.600 Yeah, I might.

02:01:59.320 Maybe I might.

02:02:00.100 I do like going and doing the sets, man.

02:02:02.140 I did 24 sets last week.

02:02:04.280 Here.

02:02:05.180 Yeah.

02:02:05.620 Just at the mothership?

02:02:07.180 At the different clubs, 22 sets.

02:02:08.920 Where did you go?

02:02:10.000 I went to.

02:02:11.260 Red bands?

02:02:12.380 Mothership.

02:02:12.880 I went to Red Band Sunset.

02:02:14.560 I went to Creek in the Cave.

02:02:15.580 I went to Black Rabbit, and I think that's it.

02:02:20.500 But amongst those clubs, I did like, I mean, I probably did 12 sets at Mothership.

02:02:26.860 Wow.

02:02:27.440 Yeah, I did three last night.

02:02:28.680 I left.

02:02:29.640 I went to get tacos, and I'm like, dog, I'm tired.

02:02:32.060 Yeah.

02:02:32.640 I went to get tacos after the second main room show, and I wanted to do the bottom of the

02:02:37.440 barrel again to get some other joke, but I was like, dog, I got to go home.

02:02:42.060 Yeah, I went home, dude. 0.99

02:02:43.280 Ended up jerking off. 0.99

02:02:44.380 Didn't want to, but. 0.98

02:02:47.180 I went home, smoked some pot, watched some TV.

02:02:50.900 I slept good.

02:02:52.120 Got up too early this morning. 1.00

02:02:53.280 Oh, I hate that shit. 1.00

02:02:54.580 Ate breakfast, went for a nice walk, smoked a joint, went right back upstairs, watched 1.00

02:02:59.200 the rest of some Clint Eastwood movie, and I fucking slept from 10 to 2. 0.98

02:03:04.820 Oh, that's beautiful. 0.98

02:03:05.720 I got up. 1.00

02:03:06.300 I washed my pussy. 1.00

02:03:07.220 I hit you back. 1.00

02:03:08.080 Yeah. 0.91

02:03:08.420 I took a long shower, I shaved with one of those Puerto Rican Bic razors. 1.00

02:03:12.620 I didn't bring my, I got skin missing. 1.00

02:03:15.260 I shaved my fucking ear. 1.00

02:03:16.900 I cut my ear. 1.00

02:03:18.220 You know, when you get out of the shower, you feel all these little things.

02:03:20.700 I could see myself as I was shaving in the shower, putting all those little cotton balls 1.00

02:03:24.620 all over your face, like, that you had all this fucking. 1.00

02:03:27.280 Like prison freckles. 1.00

02:03:28.480 Oh.

02:03:30.500 Well, it's good to see you, brother.

02:03:32.100 I'm happy you had me on here.

02:03:33.560 Uh, I'm very proud of you and what you've done. 1.00

02:03:36.600 You're a fucking animal. 0.99

02:03:38.260 I love that you have a smile on your face all the time, and I will take you up on June 1.00

02:03:42.940 1st.

02:03:43.920 We're gonna, uh, so you're at Beacon that Friday night.

02:03:49.460 Yeah, I'm at Beacon that Friday night.

02:03:51.220 Just one show.

02:03:52.620 Just one show.

02:03:53.340 Or two shows.

02:03:53.760 Just one.

02:03:54.280 Just one.

02:03:54.820 And then you're free.

02:03:55.800 Yeah.

02:03:56.200 You're staying in the city.

02:03:57.540 I could stay anywhere.

02:03:58.480 Saturday, we'll do the, Saturday.

02:04:02.980 Let's go to lunch Saturday and then go to the fights if you want.

02:04:04.940 Perfect.

02:04:05.520 Even if you don't go to the fights, it'd be great.

02:04:06.800 Perfect.

02:04:07.120 No, no, no.

02:04:07.760 Saturday we'll go, cause you'll have more time.

02:04:10.420 Yeah.

02:04:11.100 So you come over.

02:04:12.020 I'll cruise over early Saturday.

02:04:12.940 Take the ferry.

02:04:13.820 Yeah.

02:04:14.360 Take the ferry right to there.

02:04:16.160 No way, really?

02:04:17.520 Yeah.

02:04:18.000 Drops you off right down the block.

02:04:20.000 Um, that sounds good.

02:04:21.400 That's James, that's J.J. Braddock Park.

02:04:23.340 Finish the story about J.J. Braddock.

02:04:25.300 About what?

02:04:26.300 Just you, but you met him.

02:04:27.560 Yeah. 0.98

02:04:27.840 Like when he was old though, guys, you know, he was fucking old. 0.79

02:04:31.100 Was he still talking about fighting and stuff? 0.92

02:04:32.700 Like, was he still like.

02:04:33.640 He was just, I remember his son.

02:04:36.260 He had a son that was a cop.

02:04:37.780 I think he's still in the town.

02:04:39.720 I think they still own the house.

02:04:41.260 The family still owns the house.

02:04:44.640 But I never saw him box or, you know, he never coached me in boxing.

02:04:48.740 I wish he would have.

02:04:49.560 But you got to see him though.

02:04:50.560 Yeah.

02:04:50.860 I got to see him.

02:04:51.480 And did people like think he was like a hero?

02:04:55.340 Yeah.

02:04:55.700 At that time, I didn't know his full history. 1.00

02:04:58.480 I just knew he was a fucking boxer. 0.99

02:05:00.260 Right. 0.99

02:05:00.560 And there was somebody in our neighborhood that told us about like him.

02:05:04.700 And then they said, if you ever go up there, he'll give you money to shovel snow.

02:05:08.300 And I remember one time we went up there as kids.

02:05:10.680 And he was outside giving like danishes and 10 bucks if you shovel.

02:05:15.400 And that was it.

02:05:16.120 Yeah.

02:05:16.300 I never really saw him after that or spoke to him.

02:05:20.140 But you hear the legend, you know, and then it is what it is.

02:05:24.900 But my buddy, well, we don't talk no more.

02:05:29.060 But my buddy's in charge of that park.

02:05:31.080 Wow.

02:05:31.680 Okay.

02:05:31.820 He's a committee.

02:05:32.900 He's like a.

02:05:34.780 Groundskeeper?

02:05:35.480 No, no, no, no.

02:05:36.300 He's a big time dude.

02:05:38.220 He's in charge of that park.

02:05:39.640 He's a politician.

02:05:40.960 And they keep it nice?

02:05:41.860 And they keep it nice.

02:05:42.780 And he's the one that put the statue from my age.

02:05:45.460 Wow.

02:05:45.940 So he put that up there.

02:05:47.320 They had.

02:05:48.020 And the whole family showed up when they put the statue up.

02:05:50.620 It was pretty nice.

02:05:51.520 I saw the pictures.

02:05:52.480 It was pretty impressive, man.

02:05:53.900 That's cool, man.

02:05:55.280 Yeah.

02:05:55.460 I think I saw Natalie Portman at my hotel yesterday.

02:05:58.080 Really?

02:05:58.700 Yeah.

02:05:59.980 I don't know.

02:06:00.520 I don't.

02:06:01.180 Dog, every time I'm in Austin, I see somebody.

02:06:02.980 One day I was in.

02:06:03.960 Not this time.

02:06:05.020 420. 0.99

02:06:06.240 I fucking walked out of my elevator. 0.99

02:06:07.920 I walked right into Magic Johnson. 1.00

02:06:09.360 Nuh-uh.

02:06:09.760 And he goes.

02:06:11.060 He looked at me like we knew each other.

02:06:12.600 I never met Magic.

02:06:14.160 And he's like, hey, man, what are you doing here?

02:06:15.800 I'm like, the question is, what are you doing here?

02:06:18.300 I go, I was in L.A. for 23 years. 0.98

02:06:20.460 You never fucking showed up one time. 0.98

02:06:22.500 Now I'm in Austin. 0.99

02:06:23.380 I gave him a big hug.

02:06:25.340 He's like, hey.

02:06:25.960 I go, you want to come do Rogan with me?

02:06:27.320 He's like, ah.

02:06:28.280 That would have been crazy.

02:06:29.000 And I told Joe.

02:06:29.940 And Joe's like, ah, you should have brought him.

02:06:32.000 I bumped into him, started talking to him like he knew me for 10 years. 0.99

02:06:35.200 I don't know fucking Magic Johnson. 0.99

02:06:37.240 Fucking never met him in my life. 1.00

02:06:38.620 I'm like, hey. 0.99

02:06:40.200 Hey, we used to do coke in Miami. 0.99

02:06:41.900 They don't fucking know. 0.99

02:06:43.460 Nobody knows. 0.99

02:06:45.220 Coco Diaz, man.

02:06:46.300 I love you, dude.

02:06:47.120 I love you to all my heart, brother.

02:06:48.560 This is the best part of this trip.

02:06:50.100 Good to see you.

02:06:50.620 When you hit me last week and said, what time tomorrow?

02:06:53.400 I was pissed.

02:06:54.440 Oh, yeah, because I had the wrong week, dude.

02:06:55.560 You had the wrong Wednesday.

02:06:56.620 I'm like, what? 1.00

02:06:57.640 Fuck no. 1.00

02:06:58.280 You better be doing it next week. 1.00

02:07:00.280 I love you, brother.

02:07:01.260 Thank you very much for having me.

02:07:02.680 I love you, too, man.

02:07:03.400 I'm going to order the book.

02:07:03.940 I'm going to read it, man.

02:07:04.700 And thank you, man.

02:07:08.240 And yeah, I just appreciate the fact that I get to know you.

02:07:11.960 It's been one of the gifts of this job.

02:07:13.480 Bro, you're my favorite guy in L.A.

02:07:15.200 Me.

02:07:15.860 Lee. 0.98

02:07:16.320 How fucking happy was he to see you? 1.00

02:07:19.300 When I told that motherfucker you were down here, he lit up. 1.00

02:07:22.320 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:07:22.960 He lit up. 1.00

02:07:23.760 He was like a fucking. 1.00

02:07:24.260 He was my favorite. 1.00

02:07:25.400 Just like a warm McFish when I got a hold of him. 0.92

02:07:27.180 Did you do an edible with him or anything?

02:07:28.600 Nothing? 0.98

02:07:28.780 Nah, I just fucking smelled his breath for a couple minutes, dude. 0.99

02:07:31.540 He has no more flies on his neck. 0.99

02:07:33.700 He looks great.

02:07:34.680 Yeah, he looks great.

02:07:35.560 He looks lean.

02:07:36.980 He was excited about things.

02:07:39.480 A lot more energetic than I heard him be in the past.

02:07:41.660 More vocal, confident.

02:07:43.340 He needed all that.

02:07:44.440 Yeah.

02:07:44.660 We all needed that break to realize what. 0.99

02:07:47.780 You just need a break sometimes to realize what just fucking happened. 0.99

02:07:52.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:07:53.160 And now we're ready for the next.

02:07:54.880 I love you, brother.

02:07:55.740 Let's go get it.

02:07:56.240 Love you, too.

02:07:56.560 Love you, too.

02:07:57.740 Now I'm just floating on the breeze.

02:08:00.560 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

02:08:03.600 I must be cornerstone.

02:08:08.840 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

02:08:14.340 I can feel it in my bones.

02:08:18.600 But it's gonna take a little while.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - June 04, 2024

E508 Joey Diaz

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Summary

Transcript