This Past Weekend with Theo Von - State Wars March Madness w⧸ Bryan Callen ｜ This Past Weekend #183

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00:01:32.920 And now, let's get into our episode.

00:01:35.280 Today's guest is a man that has inspired me in my line of work since he got here.

00:01:43.620 Or since I got here.

00:01:44.700 Since I met him.

00:01:45.760 That's when.

00:01:46.880 And he is the popular host of one of my favorite podcasts called The Fighter and The Kid.

00:01:53.160 One of the first podcasts I was ever a guest on.

00:01:55.900 And he's always been supportive.

00:01:57.620 He's absolutely hilarious.

00:01:58.640 He has a new special out right now called Complicated Apes, which he says is his best work.

00:02:05.360 But more importantly than all of that, in a time when states are really starting to take back their stronghold from unified America,

00:02:15.000 we decided to have a March Madness where every state is up against every other state in an all-out war.

00:02:23.820 We've built the brackets on the back of our producer, Nick Davis.

00:02:28.160 We got little Gianni in here to freaking giggle in the distance. 1.00

00:02:31.620 We put together a March Madness this past weekend State Wars bracket.

00:02:38.140 And who better to help us break down the games and advance the states forward than the, just really one of the smartest guys I know.

00:02:49.900 But I don't know that many people.

00:02:51.740 Mr. Brian Callen.

00:02:53.400 Do you think there's going to come a time where there's that cutoff line?

00:03:11.800 And I was just talking to Joe about this the other night, where there's a cutoff line where there's people that can live forever and there's people that can't.

00:03:18.820 Yeah.

00:03:19.100 And there's going to be...

00:03:20.180 Well, because money.

00:03:21.300 Money will be the delineating factor.

00:03:22.980 When you can download, when you can get a chip and you can download certain things in your brain,

00:03:28.120 you'll buy the software to learn how to fly a helicopter or to get your black belt in jujitsu.

00:03:34.620 That's a fact.

00:03:35.640 And the more money you have, the more skills you'll have.

00:03:38.280 But then the question becomes, to what end?

00:03:41.180 I wonder how fun it is when you have that skill base and you can speak a language fluently, whatever that language might be.

00:03:47.760 Right.

00:03:48.600 But you didn't work for it.

00:03:50.260 Yeah.

00:03:50.520 So if you didn't work for it, but you have that understanding, I'm not so sure.

00:03:56.260 I wonder what kind of benefit you get from that.

00:04:00.240 Like, do you glean the same kind of satisfaction?

00:04:05.080 Because it takes a long time to be good at something.

00:04:07.320 Yeah.

00:04:07.540 Do you have any, like, actual joy?

00:04:09.320 You develop understanding.

00:04:10.200 You develop understanding from practice.

00:04:13.320 Yeah.

00:04:13.600 You develop understanding from spending a long time at something.

00:04:18.320 You understand?

00:04:19.500 Like, you know what I mean?

00:04:21.200 Well, that's because you're young, my son.

00:04:22.740 Now, come sit on my lap.

00:04:23.620 Yeah.

00:04:24.100 Oh, bro.

00:04:25.120 I've seen how this ends, dude.

00:04:26.380 Yeah, that's the whole point.

00:04:26.400 That's how this ends, bro.

00:04:27.140 That's that class action lap suit.

00:04:28.680 I've gotten a couple of emails about it.

00:04:30.600 That's exactly right.

00:04:32.140 But no, yeah, it's like if everything just becomes, it's almost like a universal basic

00:04:36.320 income idea.

00:04:37.480 It's like if everybody has it, is there any value?

00:04:40.720 Are you going to care? 0.99

00:04:41.700 You're just going to put the Spanish chip in when you get fucked up to be at a party and 1.00

00:04:45.000 be like, I'm Spanish, you know? 0.98

00:04:46.720 Well, you have the Jocko Willick book here.

00:04:48.480 So why do you like Jocko Willick?

00:04:49.780 When you look at Jocko Willick, you go, well, the guy was, he's a black belt in jujitsu.

00:04:54.520 Sometimes he taps Dean Lister.

00:04:56.040 So he's really good at that.

00:04:56.940 He worked really hard at the art and intricate system of jujitsu and got downloaded enough

00:05:04.140 of the moves and stuff to be able to kind of cut you off before you make your move, whatever.

00:05:08.880 He's strategic that way.

00:05:10.440 We also know he's a tank.

00:05:11.560 He's 240 pounds.

00:05:12.860 He's the San Diego double dragon, they call him.

00:05:14.760 He's the double dragon.

00:05:15.880 I like that.

00:05:16.600 And you can't double leg him because his legs are tree trunks.

00:05:18.820 But then also he was a seal.

00:05:20.200 They found an owl living in one of his legs the other day.

00:05:22.820 I believe it.

00:05:23.740 Yeah, that's right.

00:05:24.260 One of those wood owls.

00:05:25.180 One of those endangered spotted owls.

00:05:27.480 Yeah, man. 0.99

00:05:27.940 So you respect a guy like that because he's got scars because he's gone through some shit. 0.99

00:05:32.760 His skin's a little thicker. 0.99

00:05:34.100 Oh, yeah.

00:05:34.720 You know what I mean?

00:05:35.200 So you go, yeah, his ears look broken up.

00:05:38.000 And that's attractive for a human being who's been through the fire, a baptism of fire.

00:05:44.180 You find yourself drawn to that.

00:05:46.000 Yeah.

00:05:46.420 Because they have wisdom.

00:05:47.880 You don't know why.

00:05:49.080 So that's why you go to him to infer advice, but not the 21-year-old who's real good looking. 0.99

00:05:53.680 Fucking nothing, yeah. 1.00

00:05:54.180 Shit's been easy for him. 1.00

00:05:55.440 Yeah, some fucking little stem cell junkie. 1.00

00:05:57.460 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:58.020 Some guy just fucking hanging out and drinking his own blood. 1.00

00:06:01.500 Dude, if I were 21, I'd be up all night jerking off in my own mouth these days, honestly. 1.00

00:06:05.680 And not in a sick way either. 0.99

00:06:06.680 In a what mouth?

00:06:07.380 My own.

00:06:08.880 Well, you can get, I think you can get transfusions.

00:06:11.460 We wasted all those stem cells.

00:06:12.400 Think about that.

00:06:12.960 You can get blood transfusions from young people.

00:06:16.020 They do that, right?

00:06:16.900 See, that's what I think it's going to be.

00:06:18.600 That's going to be that line.

00:06:19.700 I think the young, like you're saying it's going to be money.

00:06:21.820 I think it's going to be farming the young. 0.93

00:06:25.120 Yeah, well, I think that the one thing man has always wanted.

00:06:29.140 What's the one thing man's always wanted?

00:06:30.780 What's the one thing man loves?

00:06:32.300 This is from Socrates.

00:06:33.540 What do you think it is?

00:06:34.540 Good.

00:06:34.840 Close.

00:06:35.480 Close.

00:06:36.120 I like that.

00:06:36.760 And we do like horses, but we use them as tools.

00:06:38.920 Yeah.

00:06:39.300 What is the one thing man universally everywhere wants?

00:06:44.100 Women. 0.81

00:06:44.960 No?

00:06:46.320 What do you think it is?

00:06:47.620 Contentment?

00:06:48.260 No.

00:06:48.980 It's to live forever.

00:06:50.080 It's immortality.

00:06:51.120 Yeah.

00:06:51.300 It's why we love our children.

00:06:52.260 They push our genes forward.

00:06:54.020 It's why we love our work, because we leave a legacy behind.

00:06:56.820 And man does whatever he can to leave a mark. 0.96

00:07:00.420 It's why being significant, especially for males, being significant is so fucking important.

00:07:05.900 And whenever you compare yourself, like you get depressed and you go, I don't know, I feel 0.93

00:07:10.680 like I could work harder.

00:07:11.900 Because you don't feel like you're significant.

00:07:13.680 You're not doing anything that makes you feel like you're leaving a mark.

00:07:16.120 Yeah.

00:07:16.240 I don't know if that's true, but sometimes that could be the case.

00:07:18.460 You want to leave a mark.

00:07:18.880 That's a good book.

00:07:19.380 I've read that. 1.00

00:07:19.820 But there's all that shit that comes into it. 0.99

00:07:25.240 So immortality, we've always wanted to live forever. 1.00

00:07:28.640 So now with new longevity, drugs, and technology, holy fuck. 0.99

00:07:32.840 It's on the horizon. 1.00

00:07:33.660 Woo! 0.99

00:07:34.540 Yeah, man. 0.98

00:07:35.900 I'll fucking see you in 3010. 0.98

00:07:37.780 That's what it is. 0.99

00:07:38.420 But then what?

00:07:39.140 You know what I like about living forever?

00:07:40.440 If you told me at 50 I was going to have the same energy as a 20-year-old?

00:07:44.660 Which I do.

00:07:45.720 Yeah. 0.99

00:07:46.140 Which I fucking do. 0.99

00:07:47.680 Oh, your Fitbit, dude, the other day just fucking blew right off your wrist. 1.00

00:07:50.880 It blew off my wrist, bro. 0.99

00:07:51.940 You saw that, right?

00:07:52.680 I saw that, yeah.

00:07:53.260 Yeah, I don't run a sprint.

00:07:54.720 Yeah.

00:07:55.160 All right?

00:07:55.840 And a lot of times I run with sand.

00:07:58.040 Yeah. 0.99

00:07:58.420 Two buckets of sand and a bamboo pole over my fucking back. 1.00

00:08:01.500 And I run hills, you bitches. 1.00

00:08:03.580 Somebody said that you had four shoulder blades. 1.00

00:08:05.840 Is that true?

00:08:06.260 No, it's not true.

00:08:07.060 It just looks that way because I got muscle on top of muscle.

00:08:10.160 I'm the first comedian to develop muscle on top of muscle.

00:08:13.060 You understand?

00:08:14.060 That's why the doctor goes, I got nothing to say.

00:08:16.160 Oh, yeah.

00:08:16.540 And he wrote on my chart, immortal.

00:08:18.620 I don't know if that's good.

00:08:20.700 I don't know if that's good.

00:08:21.580 But he looked at my blood panel and goes, well, guess you're never going to die.

00:08:24.900 Oh, you're that hemoglobin bad boy, dude.

00:08:26.920 That's what it is, brother.

00:08:27.320 I like that.

00:08:27.920 That's what it is.

00:08:28.740 That's why you could sell my plasma on the black market for as much as rhino horn goes for.

00:08:33.140 You know what I'm saying?

00:08:33.840 Jesus Christ, man. 1.00

00:08:35.080 Fuck, bro. 1.00

00:08:35.220 And people are getting into that. 1.00

00:08:36.100 Hell, yeah. 1.00

00:08:36.700 I could cut a diamond with my dick right now. 1.00

00:08:38.600 Damn, dude. 1.00

00:08:39.540 Yeah. 1.00

00:08:39.780 And we can do that.

00:08:40.940 Yeah, I stretch up and I stretch hard.

00:08:42.460 Oh, that's crazy.

00:08:43.260 Yeah, and I come over and sit on my lap.

00:08:44.960 No way.

00:08:45.620 All right, whatever. 1.00

00:08:46.760 This guy is a fucking baby. 1.00

00:08:48.400 This guy fucking obviously is a manager at a Chuck E. Cheese. 1.00

00:08:51.480 I hope this is being recorded, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:08:52.980 Okay. 1.00

00:08:53.640 We have you here today, Brian, obviously.

00:08:56.480 Thank you so much for always having me on Fighter and the Kid and for you guys always being so supportive.

00:09:03.080 We were talking about me and Rogan.

00:09:04.200 We were talking about you yesterday.

00:09:05.480 That was a nice year, man.

00:09:06.000 We were talking about how great you are as a comic. 0.94

00:09:09.000 You, we were talking about you and who the fuck else were we talking about?

00:09:12.940 About being truly unique voices. 0.96

00:09:16.420 That was me.

00:09:17.040 That was your older peers.

00:09:18.300 That was two 52-year-olds talking about you, young man.

00:09:21.320 I respect that. 0.99

00:09:21.660 So bow the fuck down and you're welcome. 0.98

00:09:24.200 Thank you. 1.00

00:09:24.540 On Rogan.

00:09:25.580 Thank you.

00:09:26.000 Giving you serious props.

00:09:28.140 I don't even know what to do with myself, man.

00:09:28.920 I don't want to see you beat yourself up.

00:09:31.060 All right, back to you.

00:09:31.760 I'll do that.

00:09:32.580 I'll try not to beat myself up.

00:09:33.900 Back to you.

00:09:34.520 Thank you.

00:09:34.960 We need somebody who's educated, bro.

00:09:38.700 And we looked across the field of comedians.

00:09:41.280 Tough to find.

00:09:42.020 There was just you, really.

00:09:43.180 Yeah, it's a wasteland out there.

00:09:44.180 You know?

00:09:44.820 Me and Dove David off. 1.00

00:09:45.880 Everything else is a fucking wasteland. 1.00

00:09:47.160 Yeah, and Dove David off. 1.00

00:09:48.820 We can't, you know what I'm saying?

00:09:50.140 Nah, nah.

00:09:50.380 You got to know a special mating call to even get him to show up.

00:09:52.640 Yes, sir.

00:09:53.380 He's hiding in New York City.

00:09:55.400 He's doing real estate deals.

00:09:57.180 He's a real estate mogul. 0.99

00:09:58.280 He can give a fuck about everything. 1.00

00:09:59.600 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:10:00.100 He's on the 30th floor of his dreams right now.

00:10:02.320 Yes. 0.98

00:10:02.360 And you and I are down here fucking around, but we need somebody who's educated. 0.99

00:10:06.340 It's March Madness. 0.98

00:10:07.660 So we, and I firmly believe we're headed back towards state government, you know, because

00:10:12.120 states are so different that in five years, ten years, we could see states, you know, just

00:10:17.320 building their own kind of walls or just delineating their own things that fit for their

00:10:21.000 people.

00:10:21.580 So we want to March Madness.

00:10:22.940 If these states win at it, who would win?

00:10:27.060 And we want to get to the final four.

00:10:28.240 We're going to go through at least the first outer round today.

00:10:30.580 Okay.

00:10:30.840 Um, and, uh, and let's start.

00:10:33.820 Nick is going to be our referee.

00:10:35.460 And I was the selection of committee as well.

00:10:37.480 That's why some of these states got buys. 0.95

00:10:39.580 But, uh, yeah.

00:10:40.640 Yeah, good.

00:10:41.200 Okay.

00:10:41.440 And what were the buys based on?

00:10:42.760 Uh, population.

00:10:43.780 The first, we split up the regions into West, Midwest, South, and East.

00:10:48.080 And, uh, in each region, the top four, roughly, populations got a buy.

00:10:53.300 Sometimes it was a little different.

00:10:54.660 So we kept some matchups we had to see in the first round, like North Dakota, South Dakota,

00:10:58.880 uh, the North, North Carolina, South Carolina.

00:11:02.340 We really wanted to see those if we would have.

00:11:04.340 So there was some, some liberties taken by the selection committee, but here we are.

00:11:10.180 Okay.

00:11:11.380 Finally.

00:11:12.840 Um, okay, cool.

00:11:14.080 So let's start with that first round.

00:11:15.300 I was zoned out.

00:11:15.980 Oh, dude.

00:11:16.540 I was looking at that poster.

00:11:17.720 I love that, that, that painting.

00:11:19.440 The road to the strap goes through the rat.

00:11:21.820 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:11:22.440 That shit's cool as shit. 1.00

00:11:23.620 You guys made the belt, man. 1.00

00:11:24.860 Yeah, I like that, man.

00:11:25.800 That's when we freaking sent Rappaport up the river, bro.

00:11:28.400 Yes, you did.

00:11:29.240 I was done after that.

00:11:30.020 Yeah, you did.

00:11:30.320 He put his gum under the table. 1.00

00:11:31.680 He put all of his ideas into a piece of gum and just stuck them under the fucking table. 1.00

00:11:34.800 As well he should. 1.00

00:11:35.300 If you need Rappaport, he's in the back of my sock drawer, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:11:38.340 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:39.320 All right, now go on.

00:11:40.160 Okay.

00:11:41.160 So where are we starting, Nick?

00:11:42.680 Let's rock.

00:11:43.120 Let's start in the upper left here, the Midwest.

00:11:45.980 Number five, Wisconsin versus number 12, Minnesota.

00:11:48.860 Okay.

00:11:49.400 In a war?

00:11:50.380 Yes.

00:11:51.180 Okay.

00:11:51.660 Here's the thing.

00:11:52.420 Yep.

00:11:53.260 I'm going with Minnesota.

00:11:54.680 Couple reasons.

00:11:55.880 They're both basically the same people.

00:11:58.000 The difference is, Wisconsin's got a lot of Irish and a lot of other things, a lot of

00:12:03.360 whiskey going on, a lot of cheese, and a lot of junk food.

00:12:06.240 So they're not moving as quickly.

00:12:07.800 Yep.

00:12:08.540 Minnesota's land of the giants.

00:12:09.800 If you know anything about the history of Minnesota, the people from Scandinavia, especially

00:12:13.820 Norwegians, a lot of Swedes settled up there.

00:12:16.780 Now, they take to wheat, and they take to milk, and they take to farming right good.

00:12:22.460 Yep.

00:12:22.740 And they're not afraid of those cold Minnesota winters.

00:12:26.240 On top of the fact that they're super organized.

00:12:28.720 Why?

00:12:28.960 Because they're an agrarian people.

00:12:30.380 Yep.

00:12:30.540 And if you're not ready for the winter, and you don't have a sense of time and organization, 0.97

00:12:34.120 if you don't understand how to fucking follow rules, which means march in lockstep, lock 0.97

00:12:39.860 and load when you're told to, and let loose when you're told to, if the cold does not bother 0.99

00:12:44.920 them, and they got big Scandinavian hands that can hold swords and guns and clubs and whatever 0.77

00:12:51.900 else they need.

00:12:52.660 Yep.

00:12:52.840 And they can carry a lot of provisions.

00:12:55.260 Yep.

00:12:55.700 Cereal.

00:12:56.480 That's correct, sir.

00:12:57.200 Wheat.

00:12:57.580 And they do well on cereal.

00:12:59.260 There's no gluten intolerance up there.

00:13:01.120 No.

00:13:01.380 They live on meat and wheat and potatoes.

00:13:04.200 Minnesotans? 1.00

00:13:04.860 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:13:05.300 And by the way- 1.00

00:13:05.820 Oh, and dangerous gays, too. 1.00

00:13:06.780 You want a lot of gay men there and women that'll survive a winter. 1.00

00:13:10.580 We're not talking about these summer homeowners. 0.89

00:13:12.160 No, no, no, no, no.

00:13:12.980 There's no dancing there.

00:13:14.220 No.

00:13:14.460 No movement in the hips.

00:13:15.720 This ain't no Billy Elliot, boy.

00:13:17.180 This is William Iliott.

00:13:19.180 They walk from the shoulders.

00:13:20.900 They walk like bears.

00:13:21.860 Yeah.

00:13:21.960 Now, here's the other thing you don't know about Minnesota, all right?

00:13:24.380 Mm-hmm.

00:13:24.960 Wisconsin, those winters are brutal.

00:13:26.460 Minnesota has some food that grows out there in the water.

00:13:30.940 You know what that is?

00:13:31.800 I know what it is.

00:13:32.460 Rice. 0.96

00:13:33.080 God damn right. 0.94

00:13:34.000 Wild rice, brother. 0.95

00:13:35.040 So good.

00:13:35.540 Wild rice.

00:13:36.120 So now you're starving, but don't worry about that because you go and rake those ponds and

00:13:41.520 now you got a bucket full of rice.

00:13:43.480 You can swim with your mouth open.

00:13:45.140 Rice is a-

00:13:46.040 Correct, sir.

00:13:46.980 You can swim with your mouth open.

00:13:48.740 Rice is a fantastic carbohydrate.

00:13:51.380 Keeps you going in battle.

00:13:52.740 Minnesota all day against Wisconsin in a war.

00:13:56.700 Wisconsin has police.

00:13:59.240 They have a lot of policemen there.

00:14:00.340 My dad's from Wisconsin.

00:14:01.240 Is he?

00:14:01.500 Was he a policeman?

00:14:01.940 Born and raised in Milwaukee.

00:14:03.800 So I got respect.

00:14:05.260 Right.

00:14:05.700 But my dad's a tough guy, but he's got too much Irish. 1.00

00:14:08.540 He's got German and Irish, but mostly Irish.

00:14:10.300 Too slow.

00:14:11.140 Mm-hmm.

00:14:11.640 Moves.

00:14:12.140 He moves like Frankenstein.

00:14:13.320 Built like Frankenstein, too.

00:14:14.560 Yeah.

00:14:15.040 He doesn't have that Norwegian, you know, Norwegians tend to be more veed out. 1.00

00:14:19.620 Yeah.

00:14:19.940 Just an easy bone structure.

00:14:21.500 Oh, they can sleep with their eyes open.

00:14:22.880 A lot of these people.

00:14:23.540 Let's go to what we had a video submission from someone who has an insight.

00:14:26.160 Go ahead.

00:14:26.760 What up, Theo?

00:14:27.280 So I think Wisconsin would definitely win in a war.

00:14:29.900 Um, just because we've got a ton of serial killers, man.

00:14:32.980 We've got, we had at least Jeffrey Dahmer.

00:14:35.920 We have Steven Avery.

00:14:37.920 Uh, we've got that smiley face killer deed.

00:14:40.540 We also have badgers. 1.00

00:14:41.620 You put a badger on a leash, you send that thing out for someone, you're screwed, man. 1.00

00:14:45.160 Minnesota has badgers, too, motherfucker. 1.00

00:14:46.820 See, I think Wisconsin would definitely win. 1.00

00:14:48.820 Wow.

00:14:49.060 Thanks to the gang gang.

00:14:50.360 Gang gang, man.

00:14:50.940 Those are good points.

00:14:52.140 They are good points.

00:14:53.420 Serial killers are, you can't control them and they end up killing their own troops.

00:14:56.800 Here's the problem.

00:14:57.560 Oh.

00:14:57.780 Because they wake up at night and they see all their, all their buddies sleeping.

00:15:00.460 Yeah.

00:15:00.640 All they see is throats waiting to be slit. 0.93

00:15:02.680 Oh, yeah. 0.88

00:15:03.140 And they can't help it.

00:15:03.940 So the next thing you know, Jeffrey Dahmer's eating everybody and cut everybody's throat.

00:15:07.480 Yeah. 0.82

00:15:07.760 You cut everybody's throat and you catch them drinking everybody's blood. 1.00

00:15:09.580 You're like, dude, you just killed your entire fucking platoon. 1.00

00:15:11.520 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:11.960 He's like, sorry, I couldn't help it.

00:15:13.380 Yeah.

00:15:13.720 I didn't do it. 1.00

00:15:15.500 You're like, God damn it. 1.00

00:15:16.300 Shoot him right now. 1.00

00:15:17.440 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:17.640 And by that time, my Minnesotans have moved in.

00:15:20.620 Yep.

00:15:20.880 Wisconsin, you have Ron Dane and Nick Davis is from there.

00:15:24.260 What do you have, Nick?

00:15:25.100 That guy mentioned the smiley face killer.

00:15:26.900 Yeah.

00:15:27.080 That's just a weird conspiracy because in my hometown of La Crosse, Wisconsin, over the

00:15:30.500 past 10 to 15 years, 10 to 15 drunk college guys have just wandered into the river and

00:15:37.660 ended up drowning.

00:15:38.900 And now there's like documentaries on A&E.

00:15:41.000 Is it a killer dragging? 1.00

00:15:42.540 It's all bullshit. 1.00

00:15:43.440 You're from La Crosse, Wisconsin? 1.00

00:15:45.520 Yes, sir.

00:15:45.860 Is that where La Crosse was invented because it was a Native American invention? 1.00

00:15:49.560 It was definitely, yeah.

00:15:50.600 It was Native American land.

00:15:52.220 And it's actually a place where three rivers meet.

00:15:54.380 So a tornado will never touch down.

00:15:56.240 A triumvirate.

00:15:57.420 Wow.

00:15:58.060 So you call it La Crosse?

00:15:59.900 Mm-hmm.

00:16:00.220 That means the cross.

00:16:01.500 Mm-hmm.

00:16:02.140 Huh.

00:16:02.800 La Crosse.

00:16:03.440 La Croix.

00:16:03.980 La Croix.

00:16:04.460 La Croix.

00:16:05.140 La Croix.

00:16:05.420 Which I think means in French, the cross.

00:16:07.780 And I speak French.

00:16:09.560 Okay?

00:16:10.000 Keep going.

00:16:10.720 Okay.

00:16:11.000 You know what?

00:16:12.920 I think if I had any thoughts on that, I think you even just said it.

00:16:16.140 People are drunk wandering in the rivers when they're supposed to be learning.

00:16:19.420 Yeah.

00:16:19.800 That's a huge juxtaposition right there, bro. 0.99

00:16:22.660 You're here to learn and you fucking can't even learn a stat of a river when you've been 0.99

00:16:25.700 drinking, bro. 1.00

00:16:26.320 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:26.620 Killing drunk people is easy. 0.99

00:16:27.560 Who wins in a war between the states? 0.98

00:16:29.440 Everybody chimed in.

00:16:30.340 52%.

00:16:31.020 Wow.

00:16:31.560 It was neck and neck there.

00:16:33.380 Minnesota, I think, gets the nod, guys.

00:16:35.260 All right.

00:16:35.380 Sorry, Nick.

00:16:36.100 All right.

00:16:36.620 It hurts.

00:16:36.840 All right. 0.99

00:16:38.300 Nick's only state is fucking already out. 0.97

00:16:40.540 I did live in Minnesota for eight years and went to University of Minnesota, so. 0.98

00:16:43.720 All right.

00:16:43.960 Oh, there you go.

00:16:44.740 I was to learn.

00:16:45.060 We got Kentucky, Missouri next?

00:16:46.940 We're actually, we're going to move to a next.

00:16:49.240 I got thoughts on that.

00:16:49.820 Okay.

00:16:50.060 Yeah, let's do it.

00:16:50.820 Let's do it.

00:16:51.380 Well, I mean, Missouri, Missouri is all good, but see, Missouri is basically, it's kind

00:16:57.760 of like a state you forget about, all due respect.

00:17:01.060 Yeah, unless you like Mark Twain.

00:17:02.140 It's kind of a state, when you think of Missouri, you think about wide open

00:17:05.140 fields, you don't think about a lot of people.

00:17:07.260 You think about people spaced out.

00:17:08.680 St. Louis do, where they shot that kid?

00:17:10.700 Terrible town.

00:17:11.860 Might be the worst town in the world, but anyway.

00:17:13.120 Actually, pretty true.

00:17:14.160 It's getting bad.

00:17:14.860 Yeah.

00:17:15.180 And there is a lot of racial division there.

00:17:18.300 Oh, yeah. 0.95

00:17:18.540 So you're not going to get black people to be like, hey, come fight our war. 1.00

00:17:22.060 They're going to be like, I got my own war to deal with, motherfucker. 1.00

00:17:24.740 Yeah, I'm fending off. 1.00

00:17:25.280 Why do I want to support you? 1.00

00:17:26.600 You haven't been supporting me, so kiss my ass. 1.00

00:17:28.540 Yeah, I'm fending off nine people by this Hardee's over here already. 1.00

00:17:31.820 Yeah, man. 0.99

00:17:32.580 They've been in a war, so shit ain't easy. 0.99

00:17:34.420 So Missouri's just not organized enough. 0.99

00:17:36.040 Now, here's the thing about Kentucky.

00:17:37.260 Oh, yeah.

00:17:37.700 Now, Kentucky's where the Hatfields and McCoys come from. 0.96

00:17:40.520 Don't forget that Kentucky is where it was settled by the Highlanders of Northern England.

00:17:49.140 Oh, God.

00:17:49.860 By shepherds, which comes from an honor culture.

00:17:53.620 You solve your problems with violence.

00:17:56.180 Kentucky was basically in a low-grade civil war.

00:17:59.380 I mean, the Hatfields and McCoys came from Kentucky.

00:18:03.040 You had a good chance of getting killed in Kentucky if you came from somewhere else, if you weren't polite.

00:18:08.860 God help you if you got it on with another man's woman. 1.00

00:18:12.780 Oh, my God.

00:18:13.600 Because you solved your problems with a knife or a gun, and that goes back to the beginning of our country in Kentucky. 0.70

00:18:20.400 Beginning of time. 0.99

00:18:21.240 In those fucking hills, in the hills of Kentucky, you want to get yourself a big old army? 1.00

00:18:27.740 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:28.160 Everybody has guns.

00:18:29.840 Yeah. 0.98

00:18:30.000 They can't fucking wait, and all they need is a common enemy to get together. 0.96

00:18:34.480 Yeah. 0.98

00:18:34.700 Because when you're from Kentucky, everybody else is from somewhere else. 0.58

00:18:37.660 Yeah.

00:18:38.140 You know what they say? 1.00

00:18:38.980 Kentucky can fuck you up. 1.00

00:18:40.980 That's what they say, bro. 1.00

00:18:41.980 Now, keep in mind, they always have some whiskey in their body at all times.

00:18:46.820 Now, that's a good point, man.

00:18:47.940 You know from the South.

00:18:49.060 Yeah.

00:18:49.640 But Missouri, they're a little more God-fearing.

00:18:52.560 You see, Kentucky, God doesn't touch down.

00:18:55.060 He does.

00:18:55.820 They'll go to church.

00:18:56.860 In the Anders.

00:18:57.520 They'll go to church, but it's a little bit like taking a stone and dropping it in a well.

00:19:00.800 Yeah.

00:19:01.140 You can keep that stone in a well for as long as you want.

00:19:03.280 When you break that stone open, water is only on the outside.

00:19:07.120 Amen.

00:19:07.620 You understand?

00:19:08.180 Yeah, yeah.

00:19:08.640 I see what you're saying.

00:19:09.380 Yeah.

00:19:09.500 God doesn't much permeate into the hillbillies.

00:19:12.400 Yeah.

00:19:12.700 Into the hillbillies' heart.

00:19:14.200 Yeah, the Lord.

00:19:14.640 Honor.

00:19:15.140 Honor.

00:19:16.360 Territory.

00:19:17.040 Territory.

00:19:17.660 Honor.

00:19:17.980 And loyalty.

00:19:18.880 Yeah.

00:19:19.140 Loyalty to your family and your clan.

00:19:21.000 Oh. 1.00

00:19:21.720 So do not fuck with people in Kentucky, because they will fight you right now. 1.00

00:19:25.720 And by the way, they have at least 25 kids. 1.00

00:19:29.400 That's it.

00:19:30.080 I mean, a couple.

00:19:30.620 Every kid.

00:19:31.340 Short kids, they put them on each other.

00:19:32.960 And just give them a long gun for the two of them.

00:19:34.560 Yeah, man.

00:19:34.800 So you're fighting entire families, bro.

00:19:36.600 And you know you fight for your family.

00:19:38.180 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:38.460 So Missouri doesn't have a fucking chance. 0.99

00:19:41.880 In fact, Kentucky goes to war with Missouri, and Missouri becomes Kentucky. 0.99

00:19:45.840 Missouri just disappears.

00:19:46.940 Yeah, that's it.

00:19:47.840 So it's 100 to 0 in my book.

00:19:50.160 I'm going to say, again, I was in East St. Louis, and there was a Ramada.

00:19:53.300 And while I was there, it got taken over by, I don't even know what it was.

00:19:57.260 Kentuckians?

00:19:57.980 I mean, it could have been anything.

00:19:59.360 Yee-haw! 1.00

00:19:59.900 If you hear a lot of that.

00:20:01.500 I don't know.

00:20:02.420 Hillbillies.

00:20:02.960 Suddenly, there was just a bunch of people working at the front desk that didn't even

00:20:05.100 work there. 0.97

00:20:05.780 It was fucking very dangerous. 0.99

00:20:06.720 That's home of the hillbilly. 0.99

00:20:08.100 Home of the hillbilly.

00:20:10.220 I would have to say Kentucky, too, on that one, man.

00:20:12.800 And the listeners agree, 72% went Kentucky.

00:20:16.560 There you go, brother.

00:20:17.220 Now, but Missouri has that river access, man.

00:20:19.680 Well, that's, you, so, with river access, you can ship mercenaries in, but mercenaries

00:20:25.740 are never loyal.

00:20:26.800 Yeah.

00:20:27.280 Kentucky would just turn around and go, hey, guys, don't have much money, but I got all

00:20:30.240 the whiskey, all the moonshine you need.

00:20:31.920 That's true. 1.00

00:20:32.320 Those mercenaries are like, fuck this. 1.00

00:20:34.160 I want to drink and fuck. 1.00

00:20:35.300 We got hot women. 1.00

00:20:36.100 We got hard horses, dude. 1.00

00:20:37.320 You want to watch them fuck? 1.00

00:20:38.260 It's two bucks. 1.00

00:20:39.100 There you go.

00:20:40.060 You know?

00:20:40.380 There you go, man.

00:20:41.140 You want to watch them fight?

00:20:42.020 It's four.

00:20:42.580 Mm-hmm.

00:20:43.140 That's right.

00:20:43.720 Girls will take it for the team, too.

00:20:45.040 Oh, a lot of tall women there, too. 1.00

00:20:47.080 Listen, I've had some good times in Kentucky.

00:20:49.640 Yeah.

00:20:49.860 Just know that.

00:20:50.580 They got the best bourbon in the world.

00:20:52.040 Mm-hmm.

00:20:52.660 And I've had some good times in Kentucky. 1.00

00:20:55.680 Damn. 0.99

00:20:56.200 You understand me? 1.00

00:20:57.000 Oh, you seem like it.

00:20:57.800 Now watch how my voice goes down.

00:20:59.740 Now listen up.

00:21:00.960 I've had some good times.

00:21:03.260 They'll ask me how, wow.

00:21:04.520 How good a time was it?

00:21:05.360 They'll ask me what I did in Kentucky.

00:21:06.660 What'd you do in Kentucky, buddy?

00:21:08.180 Stayed busy. 1.00

00:21:09.000 Oh, damn, bro. 1.00

00:21:10.900 Yeah. 1.00

00:21:11.540 Stayed busy.

00:21:12.220 Wow, you've been eating gravel, huh?

00:21:13.700 Yeah, a little bit. 1.00

00:21:14.740 Damn. 0.99

00:21:15.140 I got a special place in my heart for Kentucky. 1.00

00:21:18.760 I can hear it.

00:21:19.620 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:19.960 Sometimes I call it cunt-tucky. 0.99

00:21:21.880 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:21:22.540 Yeah, I know what you're saying, boy. 1.00

00:21:24.320 Because I'm a cunt-crazy fool. 1.00

00:21:25.880 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:21:26.400 Yeah, you understand?

00:21:27.280 Oh, what's that in those hills? 1.00

00:21:28.480 Oh, that's cunt. 1.00

00:21:29.520 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:21:30.280 That's cunt-tucky. 0.99

00:21:31.480 I secretly say that among my friends, you know? 0.99

00:21:34.280 Yeah.

00:21:34.600 I know nobody's listening right now, so I can say this to you.

00:21:37.080 Oh, this is safe between you and me and his wife.

00:21:38.440 That's it, brother.

00:21:39.100 That's it.

00:21:39.880 Cunt-tucky. 0.99

00:21:40.760 Cunt-tucky. 0.99

00:21:41.580 Yeah. 1.00

00:21:42.140 That's cunt-tucky. 0.99

00:21:42.720 Ah. 1.00

00:21:43.160 He's going to cunt their way right into the second one. 0.98

00:21:45.500 God-fearing girls only on Sunday, though. 0.98

00:21:47.760 Oh, yeah.

00:21:48.300 The minute they're done kneeling in church, they-

00:21:50.280 Oh, they got that Chick-fil-A poise.

00:21:51.920 Yeah, that is correct, sir.

00:21:52.860 You know?

00:21:53.240 That is correct.

00:21:54.840 Cunt-tucky. 0.99

00:21:55.420 This thing's only open six days a week, you know?

00:21:57.880 Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

00:21:58.620 You better shut it down and put pickles on it. 1.00

00:22:00.780 Yeah, damn. 1.00

00:22:01.540 But I don't have any teeth. 1.00

00:22:02.640 Don't you worry about that.

00:22:03.740 Yeah. 0.97

00:22:04.200 Daddy didn't give a fuck about teeth. 0.98

00:22:05.740 Yeah. 0.98

00:22:06.640 I'm kidding.

00:22:07.180 I've seen some beautiful women in Cunt-tucky. 1.00

00:22:09.280 Yeah.

00:22:09.640 And the men, though, I feel like coming a little bit-

00:22:13.880 The women are really the prize over there. 1.00

00:22:16.060 Women are- 1.00

00:22:16.840 The women can fight in Kentucky. 0.99

00:22:18.380 Oh, yeah.

00:22:18.840 And the men can, too, and they will.

00:22:20.240 The men sniff the air.

00:22:21.020 There's no talking.

00:22:21.960 Yeah.

00:22:22.220 The men in Kentucky will go.

00:22:23.680 Yeah.

00:22:24.140 You're raised to go.

00:22:26.660 You understand?

00:22:27.240 Oh, that's the instinct belt.

00:22:28.480 Oh, yeah.

00:22:28.840 Now, let me tell you what a man in Kentucky does.

00:22:30.720 Yeah.

00:22:31.000 When you come at him, he'll meet you halfway.

00:22:33.480 Oh, Jesus.

00:22:34.180 You understand?

00:22:34.660 Yeah.

00:22:35.100 He'll meet you halfway.

00:22:35.300 You don't even get to go all the way there.

00:22:36.920 Nah, he'll meet you halfway.

00:22:38.460 Jesus.

00:22:39.060 All right.

00:22:39.340 And it's just out of kindness.

00:22:40.940 It's the only place I've ever had a guy try to fight me for no reason.

00:22:43.920 Wow.

00:22:44.420 Yeah.

00:22:44.980 And by the way, I was ready. 1.00

00:22:47.040 Damn, bro. 0.99

00:22:48.920 I was in a threesome one time in Indiana. 1.00

00:22:51.620 Really?

00:22:52.180 Yeah.

00:22:52.580 How was that?

00:22:54.740 It wasn't that great.

00:22:55.860 One girl, pretty cool.

00:22:57.580 Her friend, not cool.

00:22:59.420 Not very attractive.

00:23:00.620 You know, not that that matters, but it also matters.

00:23:03.240 And she kind of looked like-

00:23:04.560 Remember back in Vaudeville, the Vaudeville weightlifters?

00:23:07.020 There's like those people that wear the one strap and the thing and it said a thousand

00:23:10.520 kilograms on it, you know?

00:23:12.580 She looked like that.

00:23:13.560 Like that old school bodybuilder, you know? 0.99

00:23:15.960 And she was on the side of the bed doing fucking like, I don't know what she was doing, 1.00

00:23:21.540 burpees or something while me and the one girl were having sex. 0.99

00:23:23.560 And they didn't even really know each other that good.

00:23:26.540 Yeah.

00:23:26.580 So they were also trying to get to know each other. 0.98

00:23:28.620 It was fucking awkward. 0.99

00:23:29.480 It was horrible. 0.99

00:23:29.960 My friend had a scale and one of those old school scales where you can measure somebody's

00:23:34.760 height.

00:23:35.280 Mm-hmm.

00:23:35.740 He brought a girl home.

00:23:36.860 He's a big guy.

00:23:38.020 Played football.

00:23:39.300 And she was thick. 1.00

00:23:40.960 Oh, yeah.

00:23:41.380 Thick, thick.

00:23:42.540 And I respect a man who's not afraid if someone was thick.

00:23:45.640 He put her on that scale and he called me up the next day and he said, she came in at

00:23:49.260 5'3", 184.

00:23:51.840 And she looked up at me and I looked at her and I said, those numbers are not good.

00:23:57.180 But I'm still attracted to you.

00:23:58.820 Wow.

00:23:59.320 So I appreciate that.

00:24:00.120 And he went back in for seconds.

00:24:01.720 I appreciate that in a man.

00:24:03.260 Oh, yeah.

00:24:03.660 Sorry.

00:24:03.980 Anyway.

00:24:04.360 That's that golden corral, bro.

00:24:05.920 So now we got Oregon, Idaho, and Montana.

00:24:08.360 That's like when your van breaks down outside of a golden corral, you got to eat there a

00:24:11.560 couple of times, you know?

00:24:12.840 Mm-hmm.

00:24:13.280 Or are there any other first round matchups that you really have a strong inclination

00:24:16.940 on?

00:24:18.300 You're talking about Iowa and Nebraska.

00:24:21.840 Let's go there.

00:24:22.620 Let's do it.

00:24:22.980 Now, listen, man.

00:24:24.160 This is a tough one.

00:24:25.460 Very similar.

00:24:26.280 You got good wrestlers.

00:24:28.000 You got good wrestlers and tough farm boys.

00:24:30.720 Out of both places. 0.99

00:24:31.560 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:24:32.300 Do you ever. 1.00

00:24:33.200 You might have to go.

00:24:34.340 I'll tell you how you make this decision.

00:24:37.080 Iowa and Nebraska, very simple.

00:24:39.020 Now, I went to wrestling camp in Iowa.

00:24:40.520 Oh, wow.

00:24:40.760 I went to Dan Gable's camp.

00:24:41.700 Oh, yeah.

00:24:41.980 Dan Gable was a champ.

00:24:43.020 Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

00:24:44.700 All right?

00:24:45.180 Realize that if that was what D1 wrestling was, I didn't have it.

00:24:48.840 You were D8. 1.00

00:24:49.440 And I didn't want to.

00:24:50.140 I was D8, brother.

00:24:51.120 Yeah.

00:24:51.280 I'm an actor.

00:24:51.980 Yeah.

00:24:52.120 I was crazy.

00:24:52.700 I'm an actor.

00:24:53.200 Did I go back to my high school and crush everybody my senior year?

00:24:57.280 Did I lose only once?

00:24:58.400 Yeah.

00:24:58.960 I think that's probably true.

00:25:01.460 Yes, I think I lost only once.

00:25:03.360 To a black guy or not?

00:25:04.320 He was a high school wrestler.

00:25:05.160 This is not about me.

00:25:06.820 No.

00:25:07.360 He was a white. 0.63

00:25:09.380 Oh.

00:25:09.860 Now, now.

00:25:11.120 Jesus.

00:25:11.660 No, but Iowa's got some crazy tough people.

00:25:14.640 Nebraska and Iowa.

00:25:15.860 I need to see.

00:25:16.980 This is how you make this decision.

00:25:18.700 I need to see who has the bigger population.

00:25:21.860 Wow.

00:25:22.220 And whoever has the bigger population is who you go with in a war.

00:25:25.620 But I want to also know the land elevation of both.

00:25:28.160 Can we look into both of those?

00:25:29.200 Now, I like that.

00:25:31.400 You know why?

00:25:32.340 Because when you got higher elevation, you got better wind.

00:25:36.280 Yeah.

00:25:36.720 So, I'm enjoying that.

00:25:37.980 So, Iowa has way more people.

00:25:40.660 You go with Iowa 100%. 0.59

00:25:42.520 They got over a million more people.

00:25:45.060 Wow.

00:25:45.180 So, of course it's Iowa.

00:25:46.920 Sorry to interrupt this state fight, but I have to ask, is there something that interferes with your happiness or that is preventing you from achieving your goals?

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00:27:26.240 But if you do need help, I just wanted you to know that BetterHelp is an option.

00:27:30.480 Simply fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched up with a counselor you'll love.

00:27:35.460 That's betterhelp.com slash THEOVON.

00:27:37.700 And now, back to the anarchy.

00:27:40.720 But the population alone.

00:27:42.120 Yeah, you gotta go Iowa.

00:27:43.220 You gotta go Iowa.

00:27:44.420 If we go population for all the matchups, it's gonna be a quick, quick March Madness.

00:27:48.340 Right, but it's not.

00:27:49.080 That might have been a bad, yeah.

00:27:50.840 I'm only using population in this instance because they're so similar.

00:27:54.080 They're so similar. 0.96

00:27:55.040 I don't give a fuck how many people. 0.99

00:27:56.820 Missouri could have all the people. 1.00

00:27:57.860 Kentucky's still kicking their ass. 1.00

00:27:59.020 Well, here's the thing. 1.00

00:28:00.460 Yeah, if you were in Iowa, they got the same stuff Nebraska's got, you know?

00:28:05.180 Except people in Iowa say they're in Iowa and people in Nebraska say they're in Nebraska.

00:28:09.300 That's the only difference between a lot of them.

00:28:10.360 What happened there?

00:28:11.180 Ooh, Iowa 41, Nebraska.

00:28:13.320 Wow.

00:28:14.440 59.

00:28:15.320 Well, you have the Cornhuskers.

00:28:16.700 You have the Hawkeyes.

00:28:17.640 You have more Hawks in Iowa.

00:28:19.240 Yeah.

00:28:19.920 So you can have more things, you know, that aerial.

00:28:21.740 Tougher teams?

00:28:23.040 More winning?

00:28:23.820 I don't know.

00:28:24.340 I don't know.

00:28:24.940 You got B.J. Armstrong came out of Iowa State.

00:28:27.200 Yeah, you got some tough kids from Iowa, boy.

00:28:29.280 But Nebraska, dude.

00:28:31.060 It's got Nebraska.

00:28:32.360 Corn-fed.

00:28:32.980 Corn-fed boys.

00:28:34.100 Corn, yeah.

00:28:35.060 Corn's not good for you.

00:28:35.800 It spikes your insulin. 1.00

00:28:36.760 That's bullshit. 0.99

00:28:36.960 That's true, actually. 1.00

00:28:37.900 So you got a bunch of diabetics over there?

00:28:39.820 Exactly.

00:28:40.540 Yeah.

00:28:41.020 Who's got the gout?

00:28:42.100 Oh. 1.00

00:28:43.120 Dude, when you give fucking Milo and your fucking elbows, it's a wrap. 1.00

00:28:48.400 Nah, you need to go with Iowa. 1.00

00:28:49.980 That stat's wrong.

00:28:51.240 Yeah.

00:28:52.100 I'll rock Iowa there.

00:28:54.400 All right.

00:28:54.780 Yeah, that's because a million more people's a lot. 0.99

00:28:57.640 Oh, fuck yeah. 0.99

00:28:58.500 It's a lot. 1.00

00:28:59.040 It's a lot of people.

00:28:59.940 Let's round out the first round in the Midwest.

00:29:01.660 North Dakota versus South Dakota.

00:29:05.040 Well, one of them has the Black Hills, Pop.

00:29:06.940 I think you go North Dakota because they're colder, and people from colder climates are

00:29:12.820 a little more hardy.

00:29:13.980 They are also closer to Canada, though, so they're more polite.

00:29:17.640 Yeah.

00:29:17.960 So they say sorry after they punch you, probably.

00:29:20.700 You know there's some Canada juice rolled into the North Dakotans.

00:29:25.040 Oh, yeah.

00:29:25.360 A little bit of that seeping down a little bit.

00:29:27.120 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:27.300 That fucking soft syrup. 1.00

00:29:28.420 That simple syrup, they call it, dude. 1.00

00:29:30.180 We had regular syrup, then we went up to Canada and got a little simple around there.

00:29:34.040 Yes.

00:29:34.620 Where are the Badlands?

00:29:35.560 So if the Badlands are where I think they are, you go North Dakota. 0.97

00:29:40.020 Yeah, you don't get a name like that from just fucking having regular lands, bro. 0.99

00:29:43.160 These lands have fucking been an after-school detention. 0.99

00:29:46.520 Correct, sir. 0.99

00:29:47.140 Badlands.

00:29:47.600 South Dakota.

00:29:48.200 Wow.

00:29:48.920 I'm going South Dakota.

00:29:50.900 Yeah, because I could see some of that kindness from Canada slipping in.

00:29:54.180 Yeah.

00:29:54.700 You got South Dakota right there.

00:29:56.060 The Badlands.

00:29:56.840 Jesse James was from there.

00:29:58.260 Jesse Jackson.

00:29:59.460 Yeah.

00:30:00.580 Yeah.

00:30:01.560 Jesse, the guy that was on The Bachelor, I think.

00:30:03.440 Jesse Smollett.

00:30:04.280 Yeah, Jesse Smollett.

00:30:05.960 He was from there if you ask him.

00:30:06.900 Everybody named Jesse and Jesse, they're all from that area.

00:30:10.160 Yeah, dude.

00:30:10.580 That's a misspelling country. 0.99

00:30:11.680 They don't even give a fuck how they're spelled. 1.00

00:30:13.000 They just want to fuck you up. 1.00

00:30:14.240 So they lie and shit. 1.00

00:30:14.260 They'll do whatever they got to do to fuck you up. 1.00

00:30:16.140 Yeah, dude. 0.99

00:30:16.660 They'll fake an injury and sue.

00:30:18.740 They'll do whatever they have to do.

00:30:19.920 Yeah.

00:30:20.220 And one of them's no Dakota and one of them's so Dakota.

00:30:22.780 There you go.

00:30:23.680 So Dakota.

00:30:24.600 Yep.

00:30:26.060 So Dakota.

00:30:26.900 All right.

00:30:27.140 That does it for the first round of the Midwest.

00:30:28.800 Let's move over to the East.

00:30:29.640 How quickly a state can fall.

00:30:31.000 It's amazing to see that.

00:30:32.860 It's incredible.

00:30:33.740 It's amazing to see.

00:30:34.700 It's amazing.

00:30:35.680 And this is what it's like, bro, even at a government level.

00:30:38.400 I know. 0.99

00:30:38.780 It's a couple of fucking moonbeams sitting around on top of Eddie Bravo's fucking darkest 0.99

00:30:43.840 dreams, just pointing fingers and deciding who does what, man. 0.99

00:30:48.280 You're right.

00:30:48.940 That's all it is, bro.

00:30:50.080 You're right.

00:30:51.120 Maryland, Delaware.

00:30:52.440 Look into it.

00:30:53.060 We're in the East. 1.00

00:30:54.160 Well, shit. 1.00

00:30:56.640 I mean, is Delaware really a state? 1.00

00:31:00.220 I don't know, man.

00:31:00.780 I mean, I know it is, but I've driven through.

00:31:03.480 Delaware took me five minutes to drive through.

00:31:05.460 Yeah.

00:31:06.160 That was in the tailwind.

00:31:07.620 Yeah.

00:31:08.240 The thing is, Delaware could be just taken over by Maryland and you would never notice.

00:31:13.120 So I don't know if I'm even...

00:31:14.420 I think Delaware...

00:31:15.180 Delaware's more of a province of Maryland.

00:31:16.900 Yeah.

00:31:17.380 They call it the honky Puerto Rico, dude.

00:31:19.140 Yeah.

00:31:19.720 Delaware's barely...

00:31:21.180 Silverware.

00:31:22.140 Delaware.

00:31:22.820 It's not even really named after much, I feel like.

00:31:24.880 We got somebody live on the scene here.

00:31:27.860 Maryland would easily win the state war, bro.

00:31:31.020 We got Michael Phelps, most athletic guy in the world.

00:31:34.280 No, he's not.

00:31:34.660 We got Ray Lewis.

00:31:35.560 He murdered someone once and got away with it, bro.

00:31:37.880 He'll do it again.

00:31:38.960 Yep.

00:31:39.300 We also have the White House is in Maryland.

00:31:43.160 No. 1.00

00:31:43.340 Trump will nuke every single state that tries to fuck with us. 1.00

00:31:47.800 We literally cannot lose, period. 1.00

00:31:50.120 Hey, you're...

00:31:50.760 Hey. 1.00

00:31:51.380 Hey, you fucking dummy. 1.00

00:31:52.960 Hey. 1.00

00:31:53.360 That guy seems smart. 0.99

00:31:54.400 He's the most athletic person in the world, and fucking... 1.00

00:31:57.520 How dare you say the White House is in Maryland, you non-American? 1.00

00:32:00.960 Get that ISIS plant off that screen. 1.00

00:32:04.180 Don't ever bring that guy up again.

00:32:05.540 Well, this is his buddy.

00:32:06.660 Here, this is his stepfather.

00:32:07.660 Don't ever send a... 0.99

00:32:08.540 How the fuck do you do a video lying there, like, looking all cuddly and cozy? 0.99

00:32:12.380 Bro, this is... 0.99

00:32:13.080 You, when you were young, we got this out of a time cap that you did in high school. 1.00

00:32:16.420 You son of a bitch. 1.00

00:32:17.520 Let's listen to this doc. 1.00

00:32:18.560 All right, guys.

00:32:20.200 Delaware.

00:32:21.920 I feel like Delaware would just kind of hide in the corner somewhere, like, under a table,

00:32:25.760 and then when the coast is clear, they'd pop out. 1.00

00:32:29.920 He'd be like, who are you, bitch? 1.00

00:32:31.320 He makes a point to Wise's right hand. 1.00

00:32:31.980 Is that guy from Auschwitz? 0.99

00:32:33.380 Where's that guy fucking sending that video? 0.99

00:32:34.620 Wise's right hand all curled up on his chest like a little cutie pie. 0.99

00:32:37.280 Polio.

00:32:38.280 Man.

00:32:38.840 If they got polio in Delaware, dude...

00:32:40.700 He's holding a hanky or his little silk...

00:32:42.580 That little piece of silk cloth his mom gave him.

00:32:44.720 Probably the guy was only this big.

00:32:46.180 He's about that big.

00:32:46.960 Yeah.

00:32:47.340 He's got a little blankie, a little baby blankie.

00:32:49.280 Dude, Marilyn, you have Baltimore, the opioid epidemic. 1.00

00:32:52.660 You have the...

00:32:53.100 It's the UFC of opioids.

00:32:55.580 Baltimore alone. 1.00

00:32:56.300 The fucking walking zombies. 1.00

00:32:57.660 Oh, man. 1.00

00:32:58.240 And they got guns to enforce the law.

00:33:00.620 Dude.

00:33:01.140 Dude.

00:33:01.360 You got lobster and guns?

00:33:03.180 Baltimore alone.

00:33:04.160 You get those gangsters in Baltimore, and they'll take over Delaware. 0.96

00:33:06.820 They will annex Delaware. 1.00

00:33:08.280 Bro, you get a couple sisters hopped up on some fucking lump crab and give them a fucking 1.00

00:33:11.960 grenade, bitch. 1.00

00:33:12.720 They'll chip some nails. 1.00

00:33:14.600 Oh, yeah.

00:33:15.240 They'll chip some nails. 0.97

00:33:16.220 So I think that's an easy one for me, man.

00:33:17.980 Delaware, good luck.

00:33:19.320 Mm-hmm.

00:33:20.400 But also, silverware, Delaware, you're a product.

00:33:24.040 Hardware.

00:33:24.560 You're not even...

00:33:25.420 I agree, bro.

00:33:26.240 They barely got you in.

00:33:27.900 Correct.

00:33:28.460 But God bless you guys.

00:33:30.140 Connecticut and Rhode Island.

00:33:33.740 Connecticut has hills, man.

00:33:34.760 Connecticut is basically Britain.

00:33:36.460 It's like Little Britain.

00:33:37.560 Yeah.

00:33:38.000 Here's the thing about Rhode Island people don't realize.

00:33:40.400 Providence, Rhode Island is the last gangster town.

00:33:43.260 Providence, Rhode Island is so mafia heavy and so heavily run by the mafia, Rhode Island

00:33:48.700 can get any kind of weaponry they want.

00:33:51.060 Now, Connecticut may have a couple pistolas.

00:33:53.800 Rhode Island...

00:33:55.360 Trebuchets. 1.00

00:33:56.240 They have trebuchets over there in Connecticut. 1.00

00:33:57.420 They got trebuchets.

00:33:58.680 Yeah.

00:33:59.100 Which is a fancy word for catapult.

00:34:00.940 Yeah.

00:34:01.100 Thank you for the French.

00:34:02.520 You bet.

00:34:03.260 The Oval.

00:34:03.560 I know you like it.

00:34:04.520 Trebuchet, because you're Cajun. 1.00

00:34:06.040 I got a little bit, man.

00:34:07.060 We had those little trebuchets, and you put it in front of you and just shoot a little bit

00:34:09.580 of dessert in your mouth.

00:34:10.780 Correct.

00:34:11.200 They got trebuchets.

00:34:12.840 See, they can get grenade launchers.

00:34:14.840 They put a bomb in your car. 0.95

00:34:16.580 So they kill the entire... 0.63

00:34:18.440 So Connecticut has their generals and their upper brass. 0.97

00:34:21.820 Rhode Island just puts a hit on all of them. 0.66

00:34:23.180 They blow them all up on their cars. 0.83

00:34:24.660 So Rhode Island is mafia.

00:34:26.740 Providence alone.

00:34:28.060 You're not getting into Providence because they run it from Providence.

00:34:31.180 It's the mafia.

00:34:31.960 You're fighting the mafia.

00:34:33.020 They fight dirty.

00:34:34.220 They already got inroads.

00:34:35.540 They already got your house bugged. 1.00

00:34:37.320 They already got your fucking car. 1.00

00:34:39.000 Your stone wall. 1.00

00:34:40.520 They have a lot of stone walls out there.

00:34:41.340 They got everything.

00:34:42.060 They know everything about you before anything happens.

00:34:44.240 You're done.

00:34:45.500 You're done.

00:34:46.200 You got water access.

00:34:47.280 What about Hartford, though?

00:34:48.320 Hartford.

00:34:49.060 It doesn't matter.

00:34:50.160 Hartford's just a big...

00:34:51.040 Hartford's about insurance.

00:34:52.640 Yeah.

00:34:53.720 Connecticut's going to need insurance after Rhode Island's done with it. 0.99

00:34:57.020 I go with Rhode Island all fucking day. 0.99

00:34:59.300 Connecticut's one big forest anyway. 0.98

00:35:00.860 I used to live there.

00:35:01.720 Yeah.

00:35:02.220 It's just deer and forest and ticks.

00:35:04.240 Is it?

00:35:04.760 Yeah.

00:35:05.000 Oh, God. 1.00

00:35:05.840 Yeah, I saw a guy get bit by a dog in fucking Providence, dude. 0.99

00:35:09.620 And yeah, it seemed dangerous, dude. 0.99

00:35:13.080 Not as a lot of streetlights.

00:35:14.820 I would go with... 1.00

00:35:15.400 Fucking dogs everywhere in Rhode Island. 1.00

00:35:17.260 Stray dogs. 1.00

00:35:18.160 Packs of strays everywhere. 0.91

00:35:19.080 Crazy dogs, dude. 0.71

00:35:20.460 And there's a dark dog underworld over there, too, dude. 0.93

00:35:23.400 Oh, rabies and everything.

00:35:24.300 The mafia.

00:35:25.440 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:26.000 Um, I'll go with Providence, bad boy, Rhode Island.

00:35:28.740 I'm good there.

00:35:29.640 There you go.

00:35:31.400 Sweet.

00:35:31.920 West Virginia, Vermont.

00:35:32.980 Not even a question.

00:35:33.640 Yeah, that's...

00:35:34.240 Ooh.

00:35:34.740 West Virginia.

00:35:35.540 Just them rednecks will take Vermont. 1.00

00:35:37.780 What?

00:35:37.980 Vermont is the home of Bernie Sanders.

00:35:40.540 Ben and Jerry's, though.

00:35:41.960 Exactly.

00:35:42.720 Weed.

00:35:43.040 Ben and Jerry's, weed, and they're socialists.

00:35:45.920 Driving around in Volkswagens, listening to the Grateful Dead, bro. 1.00

00:35:48.700 Pumpkin pie, the whole fucking nine. 0.99

00:35:51.200 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:51.820 They are too high and too liberal to do anything.

00:35:55.180 I could go in and take over Vermont alone. 1.00

00:35:57.720 I could beat up that whole fucking state alone. 0.99

00:36:00.140 I need a small club and, uh, I don't know, a piece of meat because they'd run from it. 1.00

00:36:05.640 I would love that movie, Brian Callum versus Vermont. 1.00

00:36:08.320 Shit. 1.00

00:36:08.980 You gotta make that movie. 1.00

00:36:10.260 I'll beat them all up. 0.95

00:36:11.380 I'll beat that whole state up. 1.00

00:36:12.920 Fuck that place. 1.00

00:36:13.880 I like Vermont, but fuck it as well. 1.00

00:36:16.020 It's too liberal for me. 1.00

00:36:17.400 And fuck Bernie Sanders. 1.00

00:36:18.600 There, I said it. 1.00

00:36:19.240 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:19.460 He's a fucking socialist. 1.00

00:36:20.440 He went to the Soviet Union on his honeymoon. 1.00

00:36:22.680 Did he really?

00:36:23.220 That guy, yes, he did. 1.00

00:36:24.060 So fuck that guy. 1.00

00:36:25.820 Okay. 1.00

00:36:26.460 That guy's not an American. 0.96

00:36:27.700 He's a communist. 1.00

00:36:28.440 So kiss my ass. 1.00

00:36:29.400 He's a closet communist and so are all Vermont-ins. 1.00

00:36:32.120 All right.

00:36:32.400 Wow.

00:36:32.700 By the way, I've been skiing and all.

00:36:34.420 I lived, I went to high school up there. 0.95

00:36:36.040 I know Vermont very fucking well. 0.97

00:36:37.620 Jesus Christ. 0.98

00:36:37.740 And my sister went to Burlington.

00:36:39.280 My first love was from Burlington, from Lake Champlain. 0.99

00:36:42.020 The whole fucking nine yards. 1.00

00:36:43.720 I know all about UVM, that liberal bastard. 1.00

00:36:46.700 The Suns Rays. 1.00

00:36:47.580 Holy shit, are they liberal. 1.00

00:36:49.620 Too liberal. 1.00

00:36:50.220 Yeah.

00:36:50.340 Too progressive. 1.00

00:36:51.180 Go fuck yourself. 1.00

00:36:51.940 Not a gun to be found in that whole state. 1.00

00:36:53.740 Yeah.

00:36:54.100 And I know there are people out there that are, you know, there are farmers out there,

00:36:57.580 but even the farmers hate each other.

00:36:59.480 They're like, hey, Al.

00:37:00.460 Hey, Al.

00:37:01.340 That's how they talk.

00:37:02.220 When they say, ask me a question that ends in yes, where I got to say yes.

00:37:06.760 Oh, man.

00:37:07.480 Do you have a lot of different senior diseases?

00:37:10.200 Hey, Al.

00:37:11.440 That's how they say yes.

00:37:12.380 That's crazy.

00:37:12.820 Hey, Al.

00:37:14.140 Hey, Al.

00:37:14.700 So it takes that long to say yes. 1.00

00:37:16.340 Oh, they're fucked. 1.00

00:37:17.080 Are you locked and loaded? 1.00

00:37:18.120 Hey, by that time you're dead. 1.00

00:37:19.800 So West Virginia, those fucking, those rednecks in West Virginia, they come into Vermont and 1.00

00:37:25.840 you're done. 1.00

00:37:27.100 You're fucking done. 1.00

00:37:28.420 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:28.940 Everybody has a gun in West Virginia.

00:37:30.900 They shoot at planes.

00:37:32.040 Oh, yeah.

00:37:32.400 They had somebody.

00:37:33.380 What?

00:37:33.640 Yeah, there you go.

00:37:35.060 74%.

00:37:35.420 Wow. 1.00

00:37:36.020 Over 26%, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:37:38.120 Humanity has spoken, dude. 1.00

00:37:39.720 You kidding me?

00:37:40.420 West Virginia is bad.

00:37:41.500 West Virginia. 1.00

00:37:42.200 Get the fuck out of here with Vermont. 0.99

00:37:43.400 If you fart in Vermont and everybody doesn't smell it a little, it doesn't count. 1.00

00:37:47.180 Oh, my God.

00:37:47.680 You get a citation for polluting the air.

00:37:50.460 Yeah.

00:37:51.400 That's crazy, man.

00:37:53.200 Vermont.

00:37:53.380 My God.

00:37:54.020 The People's Republic of Vermont?

00:37:56.000 You out of your mind?

00:37:56.980 The Catamounts? 1.00

00:37:58.040 Shit, man. 1.00

00:37:59.120 They had that good coach and they fucking let him go. 1.00

00:38:01.320 They got statues to Lenin. 0.99

00:38:03.120 Yeah.

00:38:03.620 They want to bring back the Soviet Union. 0.95

00:38:05.600 Lenin who?

00:38:06.600 Leningrad?

00:38:07.320 Well, yeah.

00:38:08.660 Vladimir Lenin, who was essentially the founder of the Communist Revolution. 1.00

00:38:11.840 Fuck that Detlef shrimp, maybe, bro. 0.99

00:38:15.160 But nobody else, bro. 1.00

00:38:16.460 It's as far fucking foreign as I go. 0.97

00:38:18.400 I'm right with you, brother. 0.97

00:38:19.260 Who's next, buddy?

00:38:20.360 New Hampshire versus Maine to close out the East.

00:38:22.900 Oh.

00:38:24.140 Now, Maine.

00:38:24.860 I'm going to start out with Maine, bro.

00:38:26.180 You got, first of all, you got a lot of celebrity money living off the coast up there.

00:38:30.620 Kirstie Alley has a summer home up there. 0.76

00:38:32.680 John Travolta sneaks up there with young men from the mainland.

00:38:37.600 Yeah.

00:38:37.800 You got a lot of, you got goonies out there. 1.00

00:38:40.820 Whaling.

00:38:41.260 You got whaling.

00:38:42.560 You got whaling.

00:38:42.980 That's where the whalers. 1.00

00:38:44.740 Oh, whalers. 1.00

00:38:45.520 The people who used to wail, they come from Maine.

00:38:47.540 That's a hardy stock, bro.

00:38:48.740 They got the black bears of Maine, bro.

00:38:51.900 Maine all day in this fight. 1.00

00:38:54.020 60 different berries that will fucking kill you. 1.00

00:38:57.500 And they got the coast, bro. 0.99

00:38:59.100 They got, they got, they got the sea.

00:39:01.740 Bro, they have rock beaches. 0.98

00:39:03.160 There's pictures of people laying on fucking sharp beaches in the summer. 0.99

00:39:07.300 Maine all day. 0.99

00:39:08.220 They got access to the sea.

00:39:09.980 Everybody's growing weed.

00:39:10.920 Which means they got a navy.

00:39:11.480 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:11.780 And they can shoot over their own state and into Maine with those fucking submarines. 1.00

00:39:16.700 They got, dude, and first of all, how do you even get to Maine? 1.00

00:39:19.360 You know how hard it is going to be to get there to fight them?

00:39:21.340 Yeah, you can't do it.

00:39:22.520 New Hampshire, though, bro.

00:39:25.020 Where?

00:39:26.200 Yeah.

00:39:26.960 Six people live in New Hampshire.

00:39:28.140 That's a good point, dude.

00:39:30.000 I used to go to, again, I spent my summers in New Hampshire.

00:39:32.800 Did you?

00:39:33.160 Yes.

00:39:33.440 You're glad you were everywhere.

00:39:34.500 I was.

00:39:35.020 I went to summer camp up in Lake Winnipesaukee.

00:39:37.620 Oh, it sounds like a troubled childhood.

00:39:38.440 That lake was so clean you could drink out of it.

00:39:40.840 Jesus.

00:39:41.060 Again, another progressive state.

00:39:42.600 Yeah. 0.97

00:39:42.880 Another state that's so clean it's ridiculous. 1.00

00:39:44.920 With your clean ass lakes. 1.00

00:39:45.700 I grew up next to that tuberculosis sipper that you funked a river, baby. 1.00

00:39:49.580 That's what I'm talking about, son.

00:39:51.060 By the way, the people agree.

00:39:52.620 64%.

00:39:52.980 Oh, yeah.

00:39:53.440 When you grew up, you jump in that water, you catch chlamydia.

00:39:56.200 Oh, dude, my buddy jumped in, bro?

00:39:57.500 He got out.

00:39:58.020 He was four years older.

00:40:00.520 I believe it, dude. 1.00

00:40:01.560 That's toxic shit. 1.00

00:40:01.940 Four years fucking older, dude. 1.00

00:40:03.040 You got an STD and you got eye infections for the rest of your life. 1.00

00:40:05.440 Oh, yeah.

00:40:05.940 How's your eye?

00:40:06.800 Better, right?

00:40:07.460 Oh, it's okay, dude.

00:40:08.800 Yeah. 0.99

00:40:09.020 But can you get pink eye from your own butt or not? 1.00

00:40:11.160 Probably. 1.00

00:40:12.080 Hmm.

00:40:12.420 I got to look that up.

00:40:13.320 We'll look it up after this. 0.99

00:40:14.500 You can't be digging around in your butt and then scratching your eye. 0.99

00:40:17.300 I wasn't. 1.00

00:40:17.320 I wasn't.

00:40:17.920 Oh.

00:40:18.760 So that does it for the East Region first round.

00:40:21.280 Some interesting matchups in the second. 0.98

00:40:22.800 And the little Gianni over here, who's a fucking, he's going to be in a movie with Olivia Smart 0.97

00:40:26.660 coming out, actually. 0.99

00:40:28.000 Is that right?

00:40:28.960 Yeah.

00:40:29.380 You an actor?

00:40:30.100 Yes.

00:40:30.580 There you go.

00:40:31.280 It's Octavia Spencer.

00:40:32.400 Sorry.

00:40:32.780 The black Olivia Smart.

00:40:34.080 Yeah.

00:40:34.280 Are you in my special Complicated Apes that's now everywhere you can rent or buy?

00:40:38.300 I am, yeah.

00:40:39.260 Oh, good.

00:40:39.740 All right.

00:40:40.220 It's great.

00:40:40.560 See Johnny in Complicated Apes.

00:40:42.680 Number one album on iTunes right now.

00:40:44.740 I love the fact that we call him Johnny, too, now. 0.98

00:40:46.820 That's fucking good. 0.93

00:40:47.500 But you know how they spell it where he's from? 0.99

00:40:48.840 Rhode Island?

00:40:49.260 G-I-A-N-N-I. 1.00

00:40:50.980 Johnny, you're Italian. 0.86

00:40:52.400 You're from Rhode Island?

00:40:53.320 Yeah.

00:40:53.680 There you go.

00:40:54.640 So you know.

00:40:55.200 You know about Providence.

00:40:56.220 Rich, bro. 1.00

00:40:56.740 Look at the stem cells in that little motherfucker, bro. 1.00

00:40:59.260 Oh, he's a young kid with a full mouth. 1.00

00:41:00.940 Dude, I'd suck his dick just to feel better, bro. 1.00

00:41:03.120 Damn right. 1.00

00:41:03.540 It'll cure a cold. 0.95

00:41:04.160 Do you do any wrestling or anything?

00:41:05.400 I do boxing.

00:41:06.820 You do boxing?

00:41:07.580 Yeah.

00:41:08.040 You do boxing.

00:41:08.540 I played hockey growing up a lot, like for probably 18 years.

00:41:12.700 Where do you box?

00:41:13.580 At Boxing Burn in Brentwood.

00:41:15.340 So you don't do any sparring?

00:41:17.080 A little bit.

00:41:17.940 Not much because I'm an actor.

00:41:19.020 With Brentwood Shaw over there he goes in the morning.

00:41:22.080 Come over to Gloveworks.

00:41:22.960 We'll get you moving around the room.

00:41:24.020 Yeah, dude.

00:41:24.500 Yeah.

00:41:24.900 Pop a cow and take you around a little bit.

00:41:27.000 See what happens.

00:41:27.680 I want to see what your patterns are about.

00:41:28.880 See if you fall for certain things.

00:41:30.360 All right.

00:41:30.740 I'm not going to beat you.

00:41:31.360 I'm not going to mark you up a little bit.

00:41:33.880 I'm not going to hurt you.

00:41:35.160 But I'm going to let you know.

00:41:36.620 I'm going to let you know.

00:41:37.280 That's all.

00:41:37.800 Dude, his favorite pattern is Burberry, bro. 1.00

00:41:39.600 This guy has no fucking... 1.00

00:41:40.880 Dude, first of all, when you're skating on fucking water, 1.00

00:41:43.780 when there's people who have no water. 0.99

00:41:46.340 Correct.

00:41:46.980 You putting up some numbers, bro?

00:41:49.000 How much do I weigh?

00:41:50.080 No, I'm talking about you putting up some numbers.

00:41:51.640 Is this him?

00:41:52.200 Let me see how he punches.

00:41:54.200 You putting up numbers?

00:41:55.400 All right.

00:41:55.880 Oh, you got Tommy Gunn. 1.00

00:41:57.040 You got that fucking AIDS attack. 1.00

00:41:58.180 You got some speed, but I'm not liking where your hand is when you're throwing. 1.00

00:42:02.180 I see too much of an opening.

00:42:03.460 Yep.

00:42:03.620 I come right up under.

00:42:04.440 I'm going to catch you there.

00:42:05.280 I'm going to catch that.

00:42:06.180 All right.

00:42:06.480 Good.

00:42:07.160 Athletic.

00:42:08.000 Athletic.

00:42:08.280 Weight's on your front foot a little bit too much.

00:42:10.180 I like the way you're leaning forward there, but that's all right. 1.00

00:42:12.660 Yeah, Dustin Poirier would beat your ass, though. 1.00

00:42:15.100 He might. 1.00

00:42:15.720 He might.

00:42:16.080 But the kid's athletic.

00:42:17.400 Yeah.

00:42:18.160 He's good, man.

00:42:18.780 He's got a strong upper body.

00:42:20.580 So if he ends up in a wheelchair, he'll still be fine. 1.00

00:42:22.460 He's not a pussy. 1.00

00:42:23.020 You were a hockey player? 1.00

00:42:23.940 Yeah.

00:42:24.380 Yeah.

00:42:24.760 You're an athlete.

00:42:25.980 All right.

00:42:26.220 I appreciate that.

00:42:27.960 Dude, it's easy to get around when you can slide on the surface.

00:42:30.840 Yeah.

00:42:30.980 What sport did you?

00:42:31.720 I want to know what sports did you play growing up?

00:42:33.720 Basketball. 1.00

00:42:34.160 And I was outdoors all the time, you asshole. 1.00

00:42:35.740 I heard you could actually dunk. 1.00

00:42:37.100 I could at one time.

00:42:38.160 That's pretty impressive.

00:42:39.060 Thanks, man.

00:42:40.720 Got that tailpiece.

00:42:41.780 That's why. 1.00

00:42:42.480 Yeah, it was all ass, bro. 1.00

00:42:43.700 They called me the fucking flying ass. 1.00

00:42:45.920 Yep. 1.00

00:42:46.480 I remember. 1.00

00:42:48.640 That fucking cheek meat hit in the air. 1.00

00:42:50.860 Cheek meat. 1.00

00:42:51.680 God, boy. 1.00

00:42:52.300 Pink eye was my fucking defense. 1.00

00:42:54.100 That's what I would give people. 1.00

00:42:55.020 Watch his ass. 1.00

00:42:55.820 He doesn't wipe. 1.00

00:42:56.780 Fuck. 1.00

00:42:57.280 There go my eyes. 1.00

00:42:58.920 Sorry to interrupt, but you know how I do.

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00:46:08.400 All right, let's move on to the South region, bro.

00:46:11.920 Come on, man.

00:46:12.460 This one's going to get sticky.

00:46:14.140 It gets sticky because you got a lot of cortisol in the air.

00:46:18.420 You got a lot of testosterone.

00:46:19.700 You got a lot of guys.

00:46:20.240 You got a lot of rope burn.

00:46:21.460 You got a lot of Amistad.

00:46:22.620 Virginia, Tennessee.

00:46:24.660 Man, man, oh man.

00:46:26.380 Man, I'm going Tennessee because Tennessee's even more Southern.

00:46:30.060 Tennessee's Kentucky with a hat on.

00:46:31.560 Yeah, bro.

00:46:32.140 They got guns.

00:46:33.120 They got good whiskey.

00:46:34.660 Tennessee, you got Knoxville.

00:46:35.880 You got Nashville.

00:46:36.720 Ooh, Tennessee.

00:46:37.360 I've spent some time in Tennessee.

00:46:38.900 I spent time in Virginia, too.

00:46:40.580 Yeah, you went to elementary school, didn't you?

00:46:41.940 Yeah, but Virginia, remember, I believe Alexandria, Virginia,

00:46:45.820 is where the CIA has their headquarters.

00:46:48.700 So now we got to take that into account.

00:46:50.960 And it's the capital of the Confederacy, I believe, is in Virginia.

00:46:54.720 So you know what?

00:46:55.420 Virginia, I might have to go Virginia because they got the intelligence.

00:46:58.940 They already got all the intelligence, the topography of Tennessee.

00:47:02.500 They know everything about it.

00:47:03.800 That's true.

00:47:04.680 That's true.

00:47:05.240 They got all the books.

00:47:06.360 Yeah.

00:47:06.820 And Virginia also has most presidents buried in any graveyard is in Virginia.

00:47:11.260 So they got those presidential ghosts.

00:47:13.120 Yes.

00:47:13.620 If somebody's able to arouse the dead to enforce the troops,

00:47:18.840 they're going to have leadership like no other.

00:47:21.100 Yeah, you got evil ghost power.

00:47:22.460 And that's Hollywood symmetry.

00:47:23.260 I think it's actually called Hollywood Cemetery.

00:47:24.900 Can you look that up?

00:47:25.460 Yeah, I'm going to Virginia all day long.

00:47:27.100 Yeah.

00:47:27.440 You got Alexandria, Virginia.

00:47:29.000 You got Department of Defense. 1.00

00:47:30.740 You got all kinds of shady shit that goes on there, man. 0.99

00:47:33.340 Yeah. 0.99

00:47:33.600 You got a lot of universities in Virginia, too.

00:47:35.420 You got a lot of young blood.

00:47:36.580 You got Radford, Virginia Tech.

00:47:38.260 So you got good ideas.

00:47:40.560 You got a lot of brain power in Virginia.

00:47:42.740 Yeah, you have a lot of brain power.

00:47:43.900 Your brain power and the CIA?

00:47:46.760 Yeah.

00:47:47.780 Virginia all day.

00:47:48.560 But then, bro, if you go to Tennessee, man, my mother used to live in Tennessee.

00:47:54.520 And they got rivers.

00:47:56.260 They have the land.

00:47:57.300 They have the...

00:47:58.140 You can hide.

00:47:59.060 You can get into some guerrilla warfare in the Blue Hills, Tennessee.

00:48:02.720 Yeah.

00:48:02.960 Okay?

00:48:03.900 The Smoky Mountains.

00:48:04.880 The Smoky Mountains.

00:48:06.700 You get in them Smoky Mountains, and here's the thing. 0.99

00:48:10.540 Damn, you're right. 0.99

00:48:11.220 Hollywood Cemetery. 1.00

00:48:12.220 God damn. 1.00

00:48:12.820 Beautiful cemetery, man. 1.00

00:48:14.020 Damn, bro. 1.00

00:48:14.740 It's impressive. 0.99

00:48:16.120 It's a little bit.

00:48:16.980 Now, here's the thing.

00:48:18.000 Tennessee puts up a defense.

00:48:19.920 They put up a defense, but they're living in the woods.

00:48:23.160 But Virginia just kind of...

00:48:26.160 What they do is when you're in the woods fighting, you got to leave your kids and your wife behind.

00:48:32.600 And they just corral them up, and they just put them in a camp, and they say, listen,

00:48:38.940 we're not going to feed them until you guys come out of the woods.

00:48:42.760 That's what they did in the Boer Wars, or the British did to the Boers.

00:48:45.500 Did they?

00:48:45.880 To the Dutch in South Africa. 0.99

00:48:47.760 Yeah.

00:48:48.880 So, here's the thing.

00:48:50.040 That's how you break a guerrilla resistance.

00:48:52.820 Yeah, with a man.

00:48:53.620 You get through their heart.

00:48:55.000 Virginia loses to Tennessee.

00:48:56.940 They're looking at the wrong things.

00:48:58.000 But that's between them.

00:48:59.000 We choose.

00:49:00.420 Yeah, they're wrong.

00:49:01.560 The people are always wrong, and we're here to correct the people.

00:49:04.020 It's not their fault.

00:49:04.920 We're here to correct the people.

00:49:06.500 Go Virginia.

00:49:07.280 Wow.

00:49:08.220 Look at them writing it in.

00:49:09.380 That's just how it's done.

00:49:10.560 That's government, guys.

00:49:11.560 You want to know what government is like?

00:49:12.840 Okay?

00:49:13.480 That's right.

00:49:13.720 That's socialism.

00:49:14.800 You all vote for something, but then some fella sitting by an American flag next to a piece of electricity

00:49:21.240 tells you, nah, nah, nah, that's a typo.

00:49:24.620 I know.

00:49:25.360 Bang, bang. 0.99

00:49:26.160 This one's a tough one, Alabama, Mississippi.

00:49:28.120 Mississippi's got that river.

00:49:29.700 Oh, yeah.

00:49:30.860 You understand?

00:49:32.120 And when you've got a river, you can move provisions.

00:49:34.020 You can move forces up and down.

00:49:36.440 Yep.

00:49:36.620 They've got that gulf of mech.

00:49:37.660 The gulf goes right out.

00:49:39.580 Yeah.

00:49:39.900 There's a lot of advantages to Mississippi.

00:49:41.980 But they've got to go through Louisiana to get to the end of the river, first of all.

00:49:45.060 So they're going to have to deal with a little bit of Louisiana.

00:49:46.980 Mississippi, you have severe education issues.

00:49:53.040 Severe education issues.

00:49:55.260 And it's the fattest state in the Union.

00:49:58.060 That's the pork rind belt, dude. 0.87

00:49:59.360 Yeah, so you've got some fatty pants. 0.99

00:50:01.080 You've got some obesity, to say the least.

00:50:03.980 They used to have a lot of good football players, but not as many as they used to.

00:50:06.680 Now, Alabama, you have Nick Saban, first of all, could be the coach of your entire army.

00:50:11.240 I'm going with Alabama, then. 0.73

00:50:12.380 Yeah.

00:50:12.700 I'm going.

00:50:13.080 You've got Nick Saban.

00:50:14.060 You know he's a field general.

00:50:15.720 Yeah.

00:50:16.040 You know his strategy.

00:50:17.600 So Nick Saban takes over, and you're done.

00:50:20.980 Yeah.

00:50:21.420 Now, there are more alligators in Mississippi, but that just means more of your guys are getting

00:50:26.420 going down.

00:50:27.060 Yeah.

00:50:27.200 You're trying to sneak around.

00:50:28.220 Bam.

00:50:28.580 Snack going.

00:50:29.160 Plus, you've got malaria when the whole grid breaks down.

00:50:31.540 Oh, yeah.

00:50:32.300 You know, there's more water in Mississippi, so everybody's got malaria.

00:50:34.680 You've got malaria Jackson over there, too, dude. 0.86

00:50:36.980 And I think I went to middle school with her.

00:50:38.580 There you go.

00:50:39.400 Let's hear.

00:50:39.860 We've got a white guy.

00:50:40.780 I have something to say.

00:50:41.540 All right.

00:50:42.260 Yo, gang gang.

00:50:43.040 I think, Theo, it's Jordan here.

00:50:44.480 I just wanted to start by saying, man, my home state of Alabama would most definitely

00:50:49.000 win if there was ever a war to break out between the states.

00:50:52.520 Reason being, man, we've got Kay Ivey as governor. 1.00

00:50:55.300 Old grandma cooking in the kitchen.

00:50:57.100 She's got that vodka underneath the counter. 0.99

00:50:59.660 We've got Nick Saban, man.

00:51:01.540 Look, really, we have some of the hardest workers you'll ever find in the state, man.

00:51:05.660 Some of the most down-to-earth people willing to give you the shirt off their back, but also

00:51:09.720 willing to stand up and fight for their values.

00:51:11.420 Look, we love our God.

00:51:12.960 We love our guns.

00:51:13.960 And we don't drink beer on Sundays.

00:51:16.200 We weren't raised on that sweet corn.

00:51:17.840 No, no.

00:51:18.860 We were raised on that whole milk and that biscuits and gravy.

00:51:22.740 Get with it.

00:51:23.680 I like that kid.

00:51:24.860 Wow.

00:51:25.220 That's American. 1.00

00:51:26.000 See that fucking kid? 1.00

00:51:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:27.240 That kid is a mayor now.

00:51:28.740 I love that boy.

00:51:29.920 And that boy's right.

00:51:30.880 Talking about Nick Saban.

00:51:31.860 I love that kid.

00:51:32.960 Mm-hmm.

00:51:33.160 So, he's right.

00:51:34.960 You want to fight dudes like that in Alabama?

00:51:37.300 Yeah.

00:51:37.740 No, no, no.

00:51:38.100 That's a good kid right there.

00:51:39.600 But don't push him.

00:51:41.260 He's got his boundaries and he knows exactly, he knows exactly what he's willing to fight

00:51:45.620 for.

00:51:45.980 Yep.

00:51:46.140 A man defines himself on what he's willing to fight for.

00:51:49.400 And Alabama has no problem.

00:51:51.440 No problem establishing what they fight for.

00:51:54.320 I'm going with that kid.

00:51:55.720 Yeah.

00:51:56.540 I'll go with that kid, too.

00:51:57.660 You give him the shirt, he'll give you the shirt off his back, but don't push him, don't

00:52:01.240 take liberties, you understand?

00:52:02.500 He'll give you the shirt off his back, dude, but if you want his scarf, dude, you're going 1.00

00:52:05.080 to get your fucking ass kicked. 1.00

00:52:05.980 We don't drink beer on Sundays. 1.00

00:52:07.420 God bless that kid.

00:52:08.520 Mm-mm.

00:52:09.360 Good Christian living.

00:52:10.660 Yeah.

00:52:11.000 All right.

00:52:11.860 That guy's got the Lord in his veins.

00:52:13.000 And Mississippi, I think, just still a little too much.

00:52:15.700 Too much of the devil down there, man.

00:52:16.960 It is.

00:52:17.280 Too much of the devil.

00:52:17.960 A little too.

00:52:18.720 Dude, there's still people, some guys, you know, think they're still enslaved down there.

00:52:22.640 I bet you most people can't spell Mississippi down in Mississippi.

00:52:25.120 Oh, they made it way too hard.

00:52:26.380 I don't know.

00:52:26.660 There's that many S's and P's. 0.99

00:52:28.100 They made it way too hard, dude. 1.00

00:52:29.480 Shit. 1.00

00:52:30.560 But very good recipes, but that kind of stuff's just going to get your troops. 1.00

00:52:33.940 They'll never make it out of the mess hall.

00:52:35.260 Man, they all got diabetes.

00:52:37.100 Yeah, that's a diabetes belt.

00:52:38.420 That's that sugar belt. 0.82

00:52:39.780 Yeah.

00:52:40.160 You know, a lot of sugar lizards down there. 0.78

00:52:42.080 A lot of old school money, a lot of young people getting on opioids because the daddy owned

00:52:46.700 the cot and this and that, and the kids aren't doing much.

00:52:49.700 A lot of, you know, a lot of their best assets a lot of times leave to go to other places

00:52:54.660 to have opportunity.

00:52:55.860 You're right.

00:52:56.660 Unfortunately, and hopefully that changes, and I think it is, but not today.

00:53:01.100 It's not.

00:53:01.520 Alabama.

00:53:02.080 Wow.

00:53:02.380 Look at that.

00:53:03.720 76%.

00:53:04.120 Wow.

00:53:04.660 I can't believe 24% of people fought Mississippi.

00:53:07.660 That's that education.

00:53:08.760 Yeah.

00:53:08.920 That's true.

00:53:11.180 Yeah.

00:53:11.700 North Carolina, South Carolina.

00:53:13.300 You got to go South Carolina.

00:53:14.240 I'm more aggressive.

00:53:15.600 Yeah.

00:53:15.960 I mean, it's just more Southern.

00:53:17.700 I guarantee there are.

00:53:18.700 See, the more South you go, the more guns there are.

00:53:21.180 That's just a fact.

00:53:22.300 Oh, yeah.

00:53:22.600 A lot of guns in North Carolina, and I love both states, but I'm going South Carolina.

00:53:27.680 Like, man, I think right now in North Carolina, you got Zion Williamson over there, dude.

00:53:32.440 Yeah.

00:53:32.700 You have University of North Carolina, you have Duke, you have Wake Forest, you have a little bit more education.

00:53:39.240 But then they're less apt to fight.

00:53:41.620 They're more apt to reason.

00:53:42.580 That's a good point.

00:53:43.360 But they might fight more strategically, though.

00:53:45.920 Now, but I went to school in Charleston, South Carolina for a semester, and I hitchhiked up there, actually, from a boating regatta down in Biloxi, Mississippi, and slept on a man's couch for a while.

00:53:57.120 I almost got arrested petting a cat on some lady's porch.

00:53:59.940 Is that right?

00:54:00.740 Yeah.

00:54:01.540 And don't do that, dude. 0.98

00:54:03.080 That's when you're at that fucking moment where you're like, who am I? 0.99

00:54:05.920 You know, you're standing outside of a sleeping woman's window petting a cat, dude. 0.99

00:54:09.480 That's a problem. 0.99

00:54:10.300 That's when you, thankfully, I put the cat down, and I fucking left. 0.99

00:54:12.680 She thought you were a peeping Tom. 0.99

00:54:14.400 Oh, well, after that, there's not much left to do except crime.

00:54:16.880 That's true, man.

00:54:17.800 That's true.

00:54:18.200 I didn't know the cat.

00:54:19.180 Now, you shouldn't have had your pants down around your ankles.

00:54:21.120 I did, bro.

00:54:22.180 That's where she probably felt a little weird.

00:54:23.740 Now, I wore two belts when I went over there just so I'd have to think twice before I did anything.

00:54:27.380 I understand.

00:54:28.280 But I'll say this, man.

00:54:29.560 South Carolina, you have a lot of sailing and stuff over there.

00:54:32.900 You have total access.

00:54:34.100 They used to have one of the largest indentured servant markets was right there in Charleston. 0.86

00:54:39.200 You have the battery in Charleston.

00:54:40.580 You have cannons already lining the walls there.

00:54:43.560 You have Clemson.

00:54:45.160 You know, they pronounce it with a P in it, but it doesn't even have a P in it. 1.00

00:54:48.380 Damn, Clemson. 0.99

00:54:49.240 But they call it Clemson. 1.00

00:54:50.380 Yeah, and if you don't say Clemson, they get P-ist, bro. 0.93

00:54:54.240 They do?

00:54:54.940 And it doesn't have a letter in it, bro.

00:54:57.120 So that's the kind of psychology you're dealing with. 0.99

00:54:59.600 Damn, I'm going South Carolina all day. 1.00

00:55:01.600 Wow, you just fucking convinced somebody of something? 1.00

00:55:03.820 Yeah, man. 0.99

00:55:04.580 I'm going South Carolina all day. 1.00

00:55:05.820 Fuck, this has never happened. 1.00

00:55:07.820 What do the people say? 1.00

00:55:09.200 What do you guys think, Nick?

00:55:10.240 Do you have any thoughts?

00:55:12.020 I mean, I think you just – you gave a really compelling argument.

00:55:14.840 I had North Carolina before, but after all that, I can't even – I was just thinking

00:55:18.380 about all the colleges, Michael Jordan, the athletes, but –

00:55:21.400 You got Michael Jordan.

00:55:22.240 You got his blood still running in the streams over there.

00:55:24.480 Yeah, Jordan. 0.94

00:55:25.160 He's a shooter.

00:55:26.200 Jordan – like Artie Lang said it best about Michael Jordan.

00:55:29.020 His will to win was second or not.

00:55:31.400 He said if Michael Jordan had been on the Titanic, it would not have sunk.

00:55:35.440 He would have been plugging holes with his own hands.

00:55:38.120 Oh, yeah.

00:55:38.860 So if Michael comes back to run his army, I don't know.

00:55:46.680 Yeah.

00:55:47.480 Because – 0.99

00:55:48.020 Well, he bought the Charlotte Bobcats and they fucking sunk. 0.99

00:55:50.140 It didn't do well. 0.99

00:55:51.040 It didn't do well.

00:55:52.280 That's why –

00:55:53.020 That ship sunk.

00:55:54.220 That's why I'm going South Carolina all day.

00:55:56.620 I'll go South Carolina too on this one, man, with the upset.

00:55:59.840 Wow. 1.00

00:56:01.000 Again, people don't know shit. 1.00

00:56:02.060 That's northern elitism right there. 0.99

00:56:03.900 It is.

00:56:04.680 And you know, there's a lot of Yankees.

00:56:06.400 There's a lot of fancy kids that can't get into some of these – the Ivy Leaguers.

00:56:10.200 Yep.

00:56:10.480 They end up in these bootleg schools pretending that those are Ivy League.

00:56:14.800 UNC is one of my – you know, God bless the heels.

00:56:17.460 Correct.

00:56:17.580 My mother went to Duke and I respect them, but – and that's not really one of them,

00:56:21.020 but also Cornell, you know, they'll put them out – or University of Indiana,

00:56:25.920 they'll pretend like that's, you know, not where the Ku Klux Klan started.

00:56:30.280 Or there's just other schools that they use a lot of times, you know.

00:56:34.320 You're right.

00:56:35.660 Louisiana, Louisiana, Louisiana and Arkansas.

00:56:38.640 Ooh.

00:56:39.300 Tough one.

00:56:39.840 See, now Arkansas, again, a lot of farming.

00:56:44.180 Tough people, but farms.

00:56:45.460 You get the hills, though.

00:56:46.520 You got the hills.

00:56:47.060 You got the bottom of the Rocky Mountains.

00:56:47.980 There's something about Louisiana.

00:56:49.620 Yeah.

00:56:49.760 Louisiana is home to New Orleans.

00:56:52.380 You got voodoo. 0.99

00:56:53.180 I was about to say – I was about to say the dark arts of voodoo. 1.00

00:56:57.100 You got – what is it?

00:56:58.960 Santeria?

00:56:59.680 Santeria, yeah.

00:57:00.320 Santeria.

00:57:01.160 And you got voodoo, right? 0.99

00:57:03.540 And there's an under tapestry. 0.87

00:57:05.240 You got rats.

00:57:06.380 You got those –

00:57:07.220 Nutreos.

00:57:07.860 Nutreos.

00:57:08.340 Yeah. 0.99

00:57:09.100 That are African rats. 1.00

00:57:10.760 They're the biggest rats in the world. 1.00

00:57:12.060 There's shit in Louisiana you don't even know about. 1.00

00:57:14.360 Yeah. 1.00

00:57:14.540 They got every poisonous snake in the world, including cobras, probably.

00:57:18.140 Dude, they have a rat that can catch a frisbee there, and that's a Nutreo right there, bro. 1.00

00:57:21.100 Look at those fucking things. 1.00

00:57:22.240 And look, you can eat them, dude, if you want to die. 1.00

00:57:24.280 I heard they're good eating.

00:57:27.100 They're like a beaver, right? 1.00

00:57:28.340 I mean, look at that fucking thing. 1.00

00:57:29.620 I mean, here's the thing. 1.00

00:57:30.520 It's the only place they are from, and yes, they came over on slave ships, man. 0.90

00:57:34.040 It's fascinating.

00:57:34.780 And they're French, actually.

00:57:36.300 Yeah. 0.98

00:57:36.740 Beautiful French rat. 0.78

00:57:38.080 It's a beautiful French rat.

00:57:39.400 I like Nutreos.

00:57:40.620 Here's the thing, man.

00:57:41.780 You just got to go to Louisiana.

00:57:44.800 Because there are – see, I'll tell you what.

00:57:47.280 There's an underworld in Louisiana, too.

00:57:48.980 Arkansas doesn't have an underworld.

00:57:50.260 That's true.

00:57:50.760 Governor Edwards, David Duke. 0.99

00:57:52.280 You got a lot of dirty minds bubbling up over there. 0.98

00:57:55.300 And there's like veins under the – see, when you go to Louisiana, you see Louisiana. 0.96

00:58:00.580 But there's a network of –

00:58:03.220 There's an artery of –

00:58:04.120 Tunnels.

00:58:04.720 Yeah.

00:58:05.200 Artery of evil.

00:58:06.220 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:07.080 There's an artery of shit that gets done where you don't see things. 0.99

00:58:10.640 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:10.800 There's all kinds of shit that goes on that you don't see in Louisiana. 0.99

00:58:13.900 Oh, Huey P. Long, who was supposed to be the next president-elect, possibly, was gunned 0.99

00:58:19.960 down in the state capitol, man, in the 60s there.

00:58:22.940 You have a lot of famous politicians have gone to jail there for crimes.

00:58:27.520 By the way, look at that.

00:58:28.660 Wow.

00:58:28.820 People agree.

00:58:30.120 Louisiana, 85 to 15. 0.98

00:58:31.940 Arkansas hasn't been good since they had Norm Richardson running shit over there. 0.98

00:58:35.360 You know? 1.00

00:58:35.960 Will Wade at least got busted this year over at Louisiana State University for fucking 0.98

00:58:40.160 bringing in the best illegal players ever. 0.96

00:58:42.940 I didn't know that because Arkansas is one of those states I always forget about.

00:58:46.420 Wow.

00:58:46.540 All due respect.

00:58:47.320 I've been.

00:58:47.980 Well, I say give it to Palestine, man. 1.00

00:58:50.200 Well, you know –

00:58:51.560 It wouldn't be a bad idea, would it?

00:58:52.920 It wouldn't be a bad idea.

00:58:54.180 Hey, you know what?

00:58:54.700 If they're not going to help you over there, we'll help you over here, guys.

00:58:56.760 That's a good point, man.

00:58:58.040 I like the way –

00:58:58.360 Have a new home.

00:58:58.960 Yeah, they got a lot of tunnels there, too.

00:59:00.720 All right, well.

00:59:01.220 Yeah.

00:59:02.660 Palestine.

00:59:03.880 That does it for the south region first round.

00:59:06.700 Time for the west.

00:59:07.640 Palastarkensals.

00:59:08.700 Wouldn't that be good?

00:59:09.540 Mm-hmm.

00:59:10.840 But, yeah.

00:59:11.580 That's a long name, though.

00:59:12.660 It's all right.

00:59:13.100 It is all right.

00:59:16.380 Oregon, Idaho, Montana.

00:59:19.600 I mean, Montana's the last frontier, man.

00:59:23.120 Idaho's great, but it's a lot of rich people.

00:59:25.400 Is it?

00:59:25.900 Yeah.

00:59:26.280 Now people are moving.

00:59:27.380 Boise's beautiful.

00:59:28.080 You got Sun Valley, Boise.

00:59:29.720 You got Charlemagne.

00:59:30.540 You got all kinds of places where people go.

00:59:33.300 Idaho's become the playground for the rich.

00:59:35.640 Mm-hmm.

00:59:35.900 So Montana's still got cowboys.

00:59:37.580 Still got tough people.

00:59:39.060 Oregon, man.

00:59:39.880 You still have, though –

00:59:40.960 Yeah.

00:59:40.980 You got Nike.

00:59:42.000 First of all, everyone is going to be fitted to the – 0.80

00:59:45.020 It's a bunch of white people with bad tattoos and sensible shoes. 1.00

00:59:48.900 Oregon, Oregon. 0.52

00:59:49.900 I mean, it's so liberal and progressive.

00:59:52.980 Portland?

00:59:53.420 Portland is too much.

00:59:54.280 I'm going to get out of here.

00:59:54.660 Plus, it's always raining and they're depressed.

00:59:56.460 Yeah.

00:59:56.740 Some homeless guy, if a homeless guy falls asleep on you, you can't wake him up in Portland.

01:00:00.960 It's true.

01:00:02.340 It's so true. 0.84

01:00:02.960 It's crazy because they might be dreaming and you might scare them. 1.00

01:00:04.400 San Francisco's the same shit. 1.00

01:00:05.560 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:06.180 So Oregon, for me, is like a place that, again, it's just too liberal.

01:00:11.080 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:11.520 There are people who kick your ass in Oregon. 1.00

01:00:13.180 I mean – 1.00

01:00:13.520 Yes.

01:00:13.800 It's the logging town.

01:00:15.440 I mean, a lot of blue-collar dudes.

01:00:16.620 But overall, you got to take into account it's just too progressive to fight a war.

01:00:22.120 Because they might not all agree to fight.

01:00:24.120 That's the problem.

01:00:24.640 Yeah. 0.99

01:00:24.920 They'd have sit-ins and they'd have to deal with their own fucking protests. 0.99

01:00:28.820 But they're tough, though. 0.99

01:00:29.700 Logging.

01:00:30.100 I mean, bro, you –

01:00:31.260 Back in the day, they were tough.

01:00:32.340 Yeah.

01:00:32.820 But now you have inadvertent logging.

01:00:34.420 Like, you're loggers. 0.99

01:00:35.120 Even if you don't want to be – you'll be having dinner and a fucking log will just fall right 0.99

01:00:38.720 off a mountain and roll right through your kitchen. 0.99

01:00:40.300 That is true.

01:00:41.340 That is true.

01:00:41.880 But that's old repository from back in the day.

01:00:45.540 Like, Oregon is basically guys with fancy beards and waxed mustaches.

01:00:50.060 And they're into beer.

01:00:52.040 Like, they're craftsmen.

01:00:53.020 That's a good point.

01:00:53.260 Like, you know, they have beer tastings and coffee tastings. 1.00

01:00:56.520 Fuck off. 1.00

01:00:57.300 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:57.600 Every other beer, you need to make a fucking knife, homie. 1.00

01:00:59.900 All right? 1.00

01:01:00.160 You're going to get your ass beat in this war. 1.00

01:01:01.760 They're always waterlogged, bro. 0.99

01:01:03.300 But look where they are, though.

01:01:04.840 Aren't they in the top left?

01:01:06.120 Yeah.

01:01:06.300 Look at Oregon, dude.

01:01:07.080 It's a lot of Patagonia models. 0.92

01:01:09.220 I'll beat up that whole state.

01:01:10.720 Dude. 0.86

01:01:11.080 Yeah.

01:01:11.240 Dude, you could be.

01:01:12.860 That could be your sequel.

01:01:14.140 I mean, I'm just saying.

01:01:15.920 I mean, look at those guys.

01:01:17.920 I can't hang out with those guys.

01:01:20.400 Yeah.

01:01:20.600 A lot of glasses.

01:01:21.700 A lot of people dress like they're looking for gold, but not looking for gold.

01:01:24.500 They're just going to work.

01:01:25.540 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:01:26.320 With your dumb beard and your stupid. 1.00

01:01:28.840 It's all good. 1.00

01:01:29.500 I like it.

01:01:31.760 I like Portland.

01:01:33.040 It's a cool town, but it's just too waterlogged.

01:01:35.820 I mean, Idaho and Montana, first of all, that's where the war begins between those guys

01:01:40.140 because Oregon just gets squashed.

01:01:41.760 But Montana, see, both states are real sunny, so they got a lot of energy and a lot of vitamin D.

01:01:49.160 That's a good point.

01:01:49.820 Yeah.

01:01:50.300 It's very healthy.

01:01:51.160 Healthy, healthy.

01:01:51.820 Dr. Perlmutter. 0.99

01:01:52.580 Yeah, but Idaho has got too much East Coast, West Coast money and just too many pussies. 1.00

01:02:00.640 Yeah, Boise State. 0.98

01:02:01.780 Remember Boise State, the blue field?

01:02:03.780 Yeah, bro.

01:02:04.260 You know, that guy proposed to his wife.

01:02:05.740 One of their best places was a guy proposed to his wife on the field.

01:02:08.720 Dude, I've been hunting up in Montana.

01:02:10.300 Zero points for that.

01:02:11.740 You've been hunting where?

01:02:12.420 I'm sorry.

01:02:12.780 In Montana.

01:02:13.400 In the Missouri breaks.

01:02:14.220 I've been to Montana three times.

01:02:15.720 That's the last frontier.

01:02:17.280 Is it? 1.00

01:02:17.820 Montana beats the fucking shit out of both those states, bro. 1.00

01:02:20.420 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:21.740 Montana's the winner.

01:02:22.580 You cannot.

01:02:23.920 Everybody hunts.

01:02:25.220 Everybody's got way more than one gun.

01:02:27.480 And we're not talking about pistols.

01:02:28.740 We're talking about AK-47s.

01:02:30.660 We're talking about AR-15s.

01:02:32.560 We're talking about modified AR-15s.

01:02:35.080 We're talking about every pistol you can think of and every shotgun you can think of and every hunting rifle.

01:02:39.800 You're talking about guys who've been shooting deer and everything else through a scope.

01:02:43.960 So you got snipers in Montana. 0.99

01:02:46.080 They're taking out your whole fucking front line and your command structure. 0.99

01:02:49.460 That's true from so far away, bro. 0.99

01:02:51.140 Oh, yeah, bro.

01:02:51.720 They have scopes passed down from generation to generation.

01:02:54.880 Yes.

01:02:55.060 They have horoscopes, kaleidoscopes. 1.00

01:02:56.940 All that shit. 1.00

01:02:57.840 All stacked together, bro. 1.00

01:02:58.800 They'll shoot you when you're in fucking Idaho, bro. 1.00

01:03:01.040 Yes. 1.00

01:03:01.680 Yes.

01:03:02.040 You know?

01:03:02.480 Yes. 1.00

01:03:02.700 You'll be fucking... 1.00

01:03:03.440 Bro, you'll be filling your fucking little mule bag up with water. 1.00

01:03:07.780 They got scopes. 1.00

01:03:08.640 The scopes monkey trial.

01:03:09.620 They got all of it, man.

01:03:10.420 Oh, bro. 1.00

01:03:11.000 They'll shoot the fucking nuts right out of your fucking body, dude. 1.00

01:03:13.580 Yeah, you're done. 1.00

01:03:14.320 And the sack will heal on the way out. 1.00

01:03:16.060 That's how fucking capable they are. 1.00

01:03:17.980 100%. 1.00

01:03:18.340 What do the people say?

01:03:19.400 Due to some limitations of Instagram, we don't have a poll for this one.

01:03:22.520 Jesus Christ.

01:03:23.400 You can only do one verse one.

01:03:25.160 All right.

01:03:25.460 Utah, Nevada, Wyoming.

01:03:28.400 My choice is going to surprise you guys.

01:03:30.480 Okay.

01:03:30.860 I'm going to start with this one.

01:03:31.900 So, Utah, first of all, this is the...

01:03:35.060 We're talking sunburn.

01:03:37.100 We're talking people that are looking for the Lord.

01:03:40.160 We're talking...

01:03:40.800 I want to go back to Idaho and Montana for a second.

01:03:42.700 Okay, let's go back.

01:03:43.400 There's one little caveat.

01:03:46.260 Idaho grows potatoes.

01:03:49.100 Potatoes are...

01:03:51.100 They live in the ground, which means that's a crop.

01:03:54.560 It's hard to destroy.

01:03:56.320 Needs a lot of water.

01:03:58.140 But that's a crop that feeds you. 0.67

01:04:01.100 Like, you can live on cheese and potatoes.

01:04:04.800 Yeah.

01:04:05.420 Okay?

01:04:06.280 So, you can feed your army.

01:04:08.400 Yeah, but you got to feed them potatoes au gratin.

01:04:11.480 It's true, and that takes a while to make.

01:04:13.600 So, let's go back.

01:04:14.660 Let's... 1.00

01:04:15.060 Fuck it. 1.00

01:04:15.480 Let's stick with Montana. 1.00

01:04:16.440 Yeah, I think it's...

01:04:17.300 I had to bring it up.

01:04:18.760 No, you were...

01:04:19.340 Actually, you know what?

01:04:20.140 I'll say this about Idaho as well.

01:04:21.700 Since you say that, they also have the second largest...

01:04:25.900 They make most of the sugar in America comes out of Idaho from beets.

01:04:29.380 They have sugar beets there. 0.81

01:04:30.880 So, you got to think of the crops.

01:04:32.640 I don't know what...

01:04:33.280 What's Montana growing?

01:04:34.120 Tobacco?

01:04:34.580 They got that one guy smoking in the commercials.

01:04:36.440 Well, now, Montana, you got to kill your own game.

01:04:38.680 Yeah. 0.98

01:04:39.380 That's a problem.

01:04:40.680 It is a problem, dude.

01:04:41.560 You got to look at food supply.

01:04:42.860 Oh, it's huge.

01:04:44.200 What are you going to eat?

01:04:45.500 Okay, now what?

01:04:46.520 What do they grow in Montana?

01:04:47.860 Yeah, I don't know. 1.00

01:04:48.540 Yeah, hey, have these Montana fucking cherries. 1.00

01:04:51.460 Now, we'll say this. 1.00

01:04:52.420 They have great cherries in the summertime.

01:04:54.180 Cherries don't keep you sustained, though.

01:04:55.700 But they're good.

01:04:56.600 Taters do.

01:04:57.100 Okay, taters do, man.

01:04:58.020 If you eat them with the skin, they're super nutritious.

01:05:00.960 What is the...

01:05:02.540 It could go to population.

01:05:04.240 I think you might be right, man.

01:05:05.520 Hold on. 1.00

01:05:06.340 Apples, bullshit, potato. 1.00

01:05:07.840 Okay. 1.00

01:05:08.420 We got some stuff.

01:05:09.720 We got flax.

01:05:10.940 Do we?

01:05:11.480 Yeah, we got beans and potatoes.

01:05:12.740 I'm good.

01:05:13.480 I'm good.

01:05:14.240 And some game.

01:05:15.020 We're good.

01:05:15.580 You're good?

01:05:15.920 Stick with Montana.

01:05:16.740 Wow.

01:05:17.160 I'm glad, though, you brought that up.

01:05:18.820 All right, now.

01:05:19.720 I don't think you brought it up, I think.

01:05:20.920 Utah, Nevada, Wyoming.

01:05:22.600 Go ahead.

01:05:23.820 All right, I'm going to say this, man.

01:05:26.260 Nevada has too much money going around in it to go easy.

01:05:30.820 Wyoming, it's like, aren't they just Montana?

01:05:34.260 Are they going to combine with Montana?

01:05:36.000 Are some of those people going to slip over there?

01:05:38.620 Cheyenne, Jackson Hole, you got a lot of fancy people moving up there to ski.

01:05:42.760 It's become the new Utah in a lot of ways, like rich people moving out there, hiding.

01:05:49.340 It's so cold up there.

01:05:51.700 Wyoming, people say that, you know?

01:05:54.960 They're not sure.

01:05:56.320 No, you're right.

01:05:57.940 Nevada, you got a lot of that money.

01:06:00.040 Now, Utah, dude, you have people that went there.

01:06:02.880 You got religious people that are motivated by religion, and that is powerful.

01:06:09.640 Most of the movements in the world have been religious-motivated movements, I think.

01:06:16.540 That's a good.

01:06:17.060 I think.

01:06:18.100 Here's the thing, though.

01:06:18.700 Mm-hmm.

01:06:19.780 You got Utah.

01:06:21.180 I like what you're saying with the Mormons.

01:06:24.240 They're already a team.

01:06:25.440 But then Nevada does have Las Vegas, and there's a lot of money.

01:06:32.640 See, Nevada's way wealthier than I would imagine both states.

01:06:37.600 Yeah.

01:06:38.040 The Mormons have a lot of money in the church, though. 1.00

01:06:40.240 Oh, fuck, and the Mormons have banks. 1.00

01:06:41.560 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:06:41.880 And the Mormons, bro, I've been there.

01:06:43.140 Salt Lake City, you pass through the tabernacle area, bro. 1.00

01:06:45.920 You can get married to any fucking body, bro. 1.00

01:06:47.680 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:47.960 If you say you're a Mormon, they're Mormon, bro. 1.00

01:06:50.020 I've seen fucking a four-year-old marrying a fucking 19-year-old. 1.00

01:06:52.540 Here's the other thing you don't know about Utah and Mormons. 1.00

01:06:55.820 They recruit heavily in Tonga and Samoa.

01:06:59.320 Wow.

01:07:00.140 So you got a shitload of Samoans and Tongans, maybe the toughest people ever. 1.00

01:07:05.300 The dark parts, baby. 1.00

01:07:06.520 Enjoy that shit. 1.00

01:07:07.660 Enjoy fighting those guys. 1.00

01:07:08.920 Oh, God.

01:07:09.440 Enjoy fighting an army of men and women, because Tongan women are stronger than the average 0.99

01:07:14.760 white European, man.

01:07:15.960 Yeah.

01:07:16.200 That's a fact. 0.99

01:07:17.120 They'll beat the fuck out of you. 0.99

01:07:18.640 Dude, I saw a Tongan guy get hit by a spear, bro, and he giggled a little. 1.00

01:07:23.480 Said it tickled. 1.00

01:07:24.460 And Tongans are not to be fucked with. 1.00

01:07:27.380 They walk around. 1.00

01:07:28.580 All of them are way over 220 pounds.

01:07:31.940 They can sleep standing up.

01:07:33.620 They're just crazy thick.

01:07:35.040 That's insane.

01:07:35.820 Bro, sometimes at the airport, if their flight gets delayed, you'll see 60 or 70 of them sleeping

01:07:39.320 in a group.

01:07:40.360 Just standing?

01:07:41.180 Yeah.

01:07:41.780 It's absolutely crazy.

01:07:42.600 I mean, you got to be quiet when you go by them.

01:07:44.180 Obviously. 0.99

01:07:44.940 Out of fucking sheer kindness. 0.99

01:07:46.320 Look at that. 0.99

01:07:47.140 One in four Tongans in the U.S. calls Utah home.

01:07:50.200 I'm telling you, bro. 0.99

01:07:50.980 Utah hands fucking down, bro. 0.99

01:07:53.280 Religion is not playing, bro. 1.00

01:07:55.020 You think people aren't going to fucking go to bat? 1.00

01:07:57.160 Utah hands down. 0.99

01:07:58.220 Utah hands down.

01:07:59.620 Good call.

01:08:00.080 Let's see what this girl has to say. 0.98

01:08:01.840 So Utah, because you got the volunteers, and not just for fighting, but also for meal

01:08:08.140 prep, large scale meal prep.

01:08:10.880 The ability to organize, not just gatherings, but also any construction projects we would

01:08:18.060 need to do.

01:08:19.680 We could just do construction on all the roads into Utah, and then no non-Utah drivers will

01:08:25.200 be able to get through it.

01:08:27.540 Hiking. 0.99

01:08:28.560 Lots of fucking hiking. 0.99

01:08:30.380 Very fit, active. 1.00

01:08:31.400 Hunters.

01:08:32.780 Hunters got the guns.

01:08:34.500 Know the terrain.

01:08:35.920 So no state terrain would be a foreign battleground to us.

01:08:41.080 Is this your new wife?

01:08:42.900 Beautiful woman.

01:08:43.120 You could say it's for God.

01:08:46.360 The religious jealousy of that could rival the Crusades, maybe.

01:08:50.280 She's thinking.

01:08:51.140 She's a thoughtful woman.

01:08:51.300 Can you guys say more?

01:08:52.960 And if the Mormons are on it, then you know we got the funds. 0.99

01:08:56.860 She hit it.

01:08:57.740 Gang gang.

01:08:58.380 Bye.

01:08:58.820 Bye.

01:08:59.600 Gang gang.

01:09:00.320 Bye, bro.

01:09:00.740 I could see her looking out at the just millions of Mormons in front of her as she made that

01:09:08.780 video.

01:09:09.580 And they march in.

01:09:10.760 Soldiers of God. 1.00

01:09:11.840 Enjoy that shit. 1.00

01:09:12.200 She really summed it up. 1.00

01:09:13.100 And you could see, she blinked twice in a minute and a half.

01:09:16.680 And that is a Mormon woman. 1.00

01:09:18.400 And she's ready to go to bed.

01:09:19.500 That's her big, beautiful, dark eyes.

01:09:20.820 God.

01:09:21.400 Congratulations.

01:09:22.340 Good God.

01:09:24.800 Sorry to mention another podcast on this podcast.

01:09:27.260 No, I want to talk about Fighter and the Kids.

01:09:29.360 No, I said congratulations.

01:09:30.700 Oh, sorry.

01:09:34.080 He's going to be here today.

01:09:35.860 Is he?

01:09:36.520 D'Elia is?

01:09:37.340 Yeah.

01:09:37.840 He looks up to me.

01:09:39.280 There would be no Chris D'Elia without me.

01:09:41.140 He's so open for me.

01:09:42.160 And that's a fact.

01:09:42.960 And that is a fact, dude.

01:09:43.960 And some people have said that.

01:09:45.160 Now, there's a lot of stuff out there, you know, that different comedians got their

01:09:50.520 vibes from different people.

01:09:51.800 You know, Dice says that Sebastian took his style.

01:09:57.380 D'Elia took.

01:09:58.460 He.

01:09:58.560 I gave him his essence.

01:10:01.460 And what was it?

01:10:02.160 Well, the bravado I can see from the neck up.

01:10:04.440 It's you.

01:10:04.940 Everything about me.

01:10:05.820 He.

01:10:06.100 I was his biggest influence.

01:10:07.700 And again, yeah.

01:10:09.780 Dent and all that stuff.

01:10:11.720 Go back.

01:10:12.600 Just.

01:10:12.900 Hey, just go back.

01:10:14.660 In the dental law.

01:10:15.300 All I ask is, go back to my early stuff.

01:10:17.780 Yeah.

01:10:18.160 10 minute podcast.

01:10:19.460 Before that.

01:10:20.600 All right.

01:10:21.060 Fighting a kid.

01:10:22.460 All the way back.

01:10:23.620 Go all the way back, please.

01:10:24.920 But this has happened before you.

01:10:25.920 D'Elia is my.

01:10:26.740 He's my pup.

01:10:27.720 Yeah.

01:10:28.120 I let him out of the nest.

01:10:29.880 And I'm glad he's flying.

01:10:31.460 I could shoot him down anytime I want.

01:10:33.840 Yeah.

01:10:34.440 But just understand, I'm his biggest influence.

01:10:38.460 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:38.560 At the end of the day, I'm his fucking dad. 1.00

01:10:42.020 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:42.740 I'm his daddy.

01:10:43.800 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:10:44.760 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:10:45.260 You understand me?

01:10:45.680 Oh, I see it.

01:10:46.540 When I think of him, I think of him like soaring in the sky, right?

01:10:50.280 Yeah.

01:10:50.540 But then I think of a man.

01:10:51.860 If you look in the distance of that vision.

01:10:54.160 Yeah. 0.99

01:10:54.560 There's a man on a mountaintop and he has that thing on his arm with a piece of fucking meat 0.99

01:10:59.520 in the thing. 0.99

01:11:00.340 See, and you understand that.

01:11:01.580 And what you also don't see is a very thin piece of fishing wire that's attached to his

01:11:10.420 ankle.

01:11:11.220 Jesus Christ.

01:11:11.680 So anytime I want to yank him out in the sky, when he's soaring, it's not a problem for

01:11:18.320 me. 0.99

01:11:18.540 When he's out there with his fucking guy, that little Lenocci, that guy, that fucking bootleg 1.00

01:11:23.080 Italian. 1.00

01:11:23.940 Lenocci.

01:11:24.220 He's not even Italian.

01:11:24.940 He's not Italian. 1.00

01:11:25.960 He's a fraud. 0.99

01:11:27.040 Oh, dude. 0.99

01:11:27.940 It's so. 0.99

01:11:28.340 And that guy's fucking, I don't know. 1.00

01:11:31.580 He was adopted, bro. 1.00

01:11:32.620 Albanian or something.

01:11:33.340 And then returned.

01:11:35.800 He was adopted?

01:11:36.680 And returned.

01:11:37.740 Really?

01:11:38.320 Yeah.

01:11:38.800 So I'm not saying anything, but a lot of people were just adopted.

01:11:41.280 He was adopted and returned.

01:11:42.760 Yeah, bro.

01:11:43.460 So they got a bum kid. 0.98

01:11:44.680 I mean, I'm not saying anything.

01:11:46.120 All right.

01:11:46.400 Well, you kind of are, but.

01:11:47.480 You get a fake Italian, bro. 1.00

01:11:49.000 He's got to pick his fucking last name. 1.00

01:11:50.720 That guy's not Italian. 1.00

01:11:52.060 He's not Italian. 1.00

01:11:52.920 You think that guy's fucking Italian, bro? 1.00

01:11:55.960 Lenocci. 1.00

01:11:57.620 Lenocci, bro?

01:11:58.440 He's a funny comic.

01:11:59.220 Oh, he's very funny, dude.

01:12:00.920 But it's secondhand smoke.

01:12:02.860 It's thirdhand smoke. 0.99

01:12:04.260 If D'Elia's fucking rocking on your puff. 0.99

01:12:06.440 When he sees Craig and he sees Lenocci and his other buddy, he's like, hey, look, 0.98

01:12:10.100 hey, guys who are extras in a movie, what's going on?

01:12:14.920 Hey, guys who are extras in every single movie you ever see, what's going on?

01:12:19.820 No, he's a hardworking comic, man.

01:12:22.220 No, Lenocci.

01:12:23.100 But not Italian, bro. 1.00

01:12:24.420 Lenocci is not Italian, but he's funny as fuck. 0.98

01:12:26.220 I want to get him on Fighter and the Kid, but I would, but he's, you know. 0.97

01:12:31.440 Chris won't let him go.

01:12:32.080 I called him.

01:12:32.740 I go, I can't have you on because, you know, just ratings-wise, we're with mid-roll.

01:12:38.060 They'd be like, no.

01:12:39.420 I love him.

01:12:40.180 I want him on.

01:12:41.160 Well, look, we all want, you know.

01:12:42.700 I even told him that.

01:12:43.460 I can't have you on.

01:12:44.420 I can't.

01:12:44.700 Look, it's the same thing the parents told him that adopted.

01:12:47.300 You know, I want to, though. 0.99

01:12:49.500 He's funny as shit. 0.99

01:12:50.460 Well, he got adopted by a family that still did some light vaudeville kind of stuff, and 0.99

01:12:54.740 he couldn't hack it.

01:12:56.200 Oh, so he wasn't good for the circus.

01:12:57.940 So back.

01:12:59.040 I knew a Navy SEAL who grew up in a circus, traveling circus, and he goes, SEALs was easy for me.

01:13:03.780 He was growing up in a circus. 1.00

01:13:04.760 That was a motherfucker. 1.00

01:13:06.420 All right. 1.00

01:13:07.700 Two more.

01:13:08.760 Yeah.

01:13:09.460 Two more, and we're going to be, we'll be, and we'll shut it down for this first round,

01:13:12.920 man.

01:13:13.240 This is absolutely awesome.

01:13:14.860 New Mexico, Kansas.

01:13:16.140 Now, I'm going to be in Kansas City this weekend.

01:13:18.380 That's right.

01:13:18.740 He's going to be in Kansas City.

01:13:19.400 Kansas City Improv.

01:13:20.080 Starting Friday, Saturday.

01:13:21.480 Now, I'll be at the Kansas City Improv Friday, Saturday.

01:13:25.120 Now, I'll tell you about my Philly dates the next weekend, but we're sold out and probably

01:13:29.420 going to add a sixth show.

01:13:31.580 And I could tell you about my Calgary shows on the 4th, 5th, and 6th at Yuck Yuck, but

01:13:35.040 I'm not going to do that right now.

01:13:36.200 But how great is Calgary, though?

01:13:37.320 It's fantastic.

01:13:38.340 Will I be there?

01:13:38.960 Of course I will on April 4th.

01:13:40.480 And you should.

01:13:41.580 Now, get your tickets to Yuck Yuck.

01:13:43.060 It doesn't matter.

01:13:43.720 Here's the thing.

01:13:44.320 I'm sure we'll sell out.

01:13:45.280 Hurry up.

01:13:46.420 That's not what we're here for.

01:13:47.620 Now, I'm going to say some things about Kansas.

01:13:49.320 I like Kansas.

01:13:50.980 Tall people.

01:13:52.680 All right.

01:13:53.360 You got to see over the wheat, man.

01:13:54.880 You'd have to see over the wheat.

01:13:56.040 It rains sideways.

01:13:57.160 They got some strong weather.

01:13:58.200 Oh, yeah.

01:13:58.660 Kansas. 1.00

01:13:59.040 They call it the fucking white Vietnam. 1.00

01:14:01.440 I didn't know that. 1.00

01:14:03.060 I didn't know that.

01:14:04.220 But it's flat and it's open.

01:14:06.660 Now, Kansas is great.

01:14:09.020 I can't wait to be in Kansas City.

01:14:10.820 Yeah.

01:14:10.980 A couple things about New Mexico you need to understand.

01:14:15.040 And Kansas City's a Missouri.

01:14:18.120 It is.

01:14:19.200 There are two Kansas cities.

01:14:20.620 That's true.

01:14:21.100 It's Kansas City, Kansas.

01:14:22.340 Kansas City, Missouri.

01:14:23.440 That's true.

01:14:23.740 You're going to be a vote.

01:14:24.140 I'm not sure where I'm going to be.

01:14:25.240 That's a good point.

01:14:26.120 That's a good point.

01:14:26.720 I'm not sure which one I'm going to be in because I went bad on Missouri. 0.99

01:14:29.760 So find out where the fuck that is. 0.97

01:14:32.060 I apologize to both states. 1.00

01:14:34.660 Damn it. 0.98

01:14:35.560 I'm going to have 15 people at my show. 1.00

01:14:38.360 And they're going to have guns.

01:14:39.720 That's the best part.

01:14:41.300 I'm in Missouri, right?

01:14:42.380 Dude, bring a gun. 0.99

01:14:43.480 You're in Missouri.

01:14:43.940 Yeah.

01:14:44.560 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:45.080 So fuck Kansas. 1.00

01:14:46.520 I'll be in Missouri. 1.00

01:14:47.340 Now, listen.

01:14:48.620 New Mexico has a couple things going for it.

01:14:50.900 Yeah.

01:14:51.440 In the Spanish-American War, the one thing that a lot of the Saxon, the white American fighters 0.63

01:14:58.240 would always comment on is on the bravery of the Mexican fighter.

01:15:01.580 Wow.

01:15:01.960 That's a fact.

01:15:02.880 Yeah.

01:15:03.060 And there's something in the Mexican blood that they are a brave, hardworking people.

01:15:12.700 Oh, my God.

01:15:13.240 I mean, you watch them when they box.

01:15:16.200 I talk about this in my special, Complicated Apes.

01:15:19.680 Or Complicado Monotontos.

01:15:22.540 See, see.

01:15:23.360 If I had to fight a man from Mexico and a man from France and I knew nothing about either

01:15:27.300 one, law of averages says to go with Pierre every time, right?

01:15:30.920 Yeah.

01:15:31.140 Yeah.

01:15:31.460 Right?

01:15:31.860 So Mexico, like when you watch fight, they don't, I don't, I've never seen one, I don't 1.00

01:15:36.360 think they teach, in the Russian and Mexican school of fighting, they don't teach you how 0.97

01:15:40.320 to retreat.

01:15:40.900 You just keep moving forward.

01:15:42.000 So, you got a lot of that in New Mexico.

01:15:45.840 Yeah.

01:15:46.900 Here's the other thing you got in New Mexico.

01:15:49.560 You got, I mean, I mean, come on.

01:15:53.100 Think about how many great fighters are from Mexico or of Mexican origin.

01:15:57.260 I mean, you know what I'm saying?

01:15:58.720 Like, like, Cejudo.

01:16:01.960 Oh, yeah.

01:16:02.280 I mean, the UFC is crazy.

01:16:03.960 I mean, it keeps going.

01:16:04.800 It's crazy.

01:16:06.200 So, look at Juan, I mean, Marquez, one of the greatest fighters of all time.

01:16:10.920 Ferreira, the assassin.

01:16:13.240 Canelo.

01:16:14.320 Chavez.

01:16:14.840 The greatest fighters of all.

01:16:15.980 I mean, and then forget MMA is crazy.

01:16:18.600 Tony, uh.

01:16:19.480 Oh, half the whole MMA is from there.

01:16:20.900 Yeah, they're all amazing.

01:16:21.880 So, so, so, and you also got one more thing going for you in New Mexico.

01:16:25.200 I think Los Alamos, where they made that nuclear bomb.

01:16:28.980 Yeah, aliens came there.

01:16:30.700 Thank you, sir. 0.99

01:16:31.780 So, New Mexico all fucking day. 0.99

01:16:35.320 Yeah. 0.99

01:16:35.940 All day.

01:16:36.060 Because also, all, a lot of Mexicanos, Mexicanos, and we have a lot of Mexicano listeners, are

01:16:43.280 going to go there just because it's called New Mexico.

01:16:45.860 They're going to get the hats.

01:16:46.800 They're going to get the.

01:16:47.720 100%. 1.00

01:16:48.160 The fucking jewelry. 1.00

01:16:49.400 100%. 1.00

01:16:50.080 They're going to go there and want to party.

01:16:51.380 The jewelry.

01:16:51.680 Yeah.

01:16:52.020 The jewelry, the aquars.

01:16:53.480 Yeah, they're going to do it all.

01:16:54.860 All the stuff from a, with the J. 0.97

01:16:57.060 So, you're going to have a lot of, a lot of, you know, you got community, community.

01:17:05.220 Yeah, bro. 1.00

01:17:06.160 Don't fuck with New Mexico. 1.00

01:17:07.880 And a lot of Native Americans. 1.00

01:17:09.760 That's true.

01:17:10.420 A lot of Native Americans.

01:17:11.520 Oh, hieroglyphics, bro.

01:17:12.460 I think Pueblo.

01:17:13.640 I think you got all kinds of like different Native Americans.

01:17:16.340 I think Navajo.

01:17:17.400 Oh, dude.

01:17:17.980 Navajo.

01:17:18.060 I don't know the, I don't know a lot of the tribes there, but Native Americans.

01:17:22.060 Still a hoe. 1.00

01:17:23.080 Big.

01:17:23.300 Smoke a hoe. 1.00

01:17:24.100 Strong people.

01:17:24.400 You know?

01:17:25.000 Yeah.

01:17:25.440 Burn a gram.

01:17:26.200 They got everybody.

01:17:27.560 New Mexico.

01:17:28.200 There you go.

01:17:28.560 Wow.

01:17:29.120 There you go.

01:17:29.940 See?

01:17:30.760 And you know, but if there's one place you're still going to find a lot of hard workers,

01:17:36.260 a lot of white hard workers, it would be Kansas, I think. 0.84

01:17:39.440 Unless even the farms there have gone to a lot of Latino workers. 1.00

01:17:42.180 They've gone, they've gone by way of the factory farm.

01:17:44.500 So, it's all done by machine, bro.

01:17:46.680 So, don't worry about that.

01:17:47.760 Because I was in the transition, man.

01:17:49.060 I used to work on a soybean, corn, cotton, milo farm on the Louisiana and Mississippi Delta,

01:17:54.800 right?

01:17:55.060 I didn't know that.

01:17:55.380 Oh, yeah.

01:17:55.900 That's impressive.

01:17:56.620 And in my summers from high school to into college.

01:18:01.960 And I remember the last summer that I was there was the first time that they got a Mexican worker.

01:18:08.800 So, it was like you could just start to see it kind of getting into the area that a lot of Latinos were coming in.

01:18:14.840 Wow.

01:18:15.200 And migrant workers, you know.

01:18:16.380 But you didn't have it.

01:18:17.360 The two summers before it, they didn't have it.

01:18:20.480 Right.

01:18:20.900 You know.

01:18:21.520 And then the third summer, they had this guy named Yemi.

01:18:26.440 And he was him.

01:18:27.940 And he was.

01:18:28.740 Yemi.

01:18:29.280 We were in our room together.

01:18:31.180 Oh, Jimmy.

01:18:31.700 But Yemi.

01:18:32.860 He wrote it down a couple times.

01:18:34.400 He wasn't even that good.

01:18:35.240 Yaguar, Yemi.

01:18:36.320 Yeah.

01:18:37.760 Yeri.

01:18:38.420 Yeah.

01:18:39.160 I know.

01:18:40.480 Oh, yeah, dude.

01:18:43.200 Yaxonville.

01:18:44.240 Yeah.

01:18:44.660 That's my favorite, bro.

01:18:46.080 Yaxonville.

01:18:46.700 Yeah.

01:18:47.600 Yaxonville.

01:18:48.120 Yuggling.

01:18:49.160 Yeah.

01:18:49.760 That's my best.

01:18:51.240 Yuggling.

01:18:52.100 Okay.

01:18:52.480 We have the last one.

01:18:54.580 Alaska.

01:18:55.060 For Brian Callum here today in the first round of the State Wars March Madness.

01:19:00.780 I mean.

01:19:01.500 This is a big one.

01:19:02.720 Hawaii's got big, strong Hawaiians.

01:19:05.820 But they're also addicted to a lot of sucrose, a lot of drugs, a lot of weed over there.

01:19:11.260 Yeah.

01:19:11.740 Crystal.

01:19:12.380 You got to go.

01:19:13.160 You got to go Alaska.

01:19:14.160 I mean, there you go.

01:19:15.340 Alaska.

01:19:16.200 The last frontier. 1.00

01:19:17.280 The hardiest motherfuckers on the planet living below zero. 1.00

01:19:20.880 Imagine that. 1.00

01:19:21.820 They can ride a horse.

01:19:24.460 They can do everything. 1.00

01:19:25.700 Dude, imagine waking up in the morning and having to chip yourself out of your own fucking bed. 0.99

01:19:33.000 When the ice is. 1.00

01:19:33.820 I mean, you know, they know how to skin.

01:19:36.400 They know how to live off the land.

01:19:39.120 Alaska crushes Hawaii because Hawaii is great, but, you know.

01:19:44.060 It's too much beach.

01:19:45.280 Too much.

01:19:45.800 You know.

01:19:46.300 It's too easy, right?

01:19:47.140 It's gotten too.

01:19:47.980 Yeah.

01:19:48.120 I think at this point it's gotten too easy.

01:19:50.080 They can't even make.

01:19:50.960 Their football team is good, but the highest it ever gets to be is like number 24 or something.

01:19:55.940 Aloha.

01:19:56.580 Yeah.

01:19:57.040 You know what I mean?

01:19:57.800 Yeah.

01:19:58.080 It's hard to play with flowers.

01:19:59.480 You can't fight with flowers around your neck, dude.

01:20:01.720 A lay.

01:20:02.320 You can't fight with a lay around your neck.

01:20:04.200 Dude.

01:20:04.720 And plus, Alaska, you can have mittens made out of your ex-wife in Alaska. 1.00

01:20:09.940 Oh, yeah, bro.

01:20:10.840 Or ex-husband. 0.88

01:20:11.420 If the Hawaiians tried to go into Alaska to take it over, they'd all die immediately. 0.96

01:20:16.600 Oh, dude.

01:20:17.220 It's like gremlins when they hit water.

01:20:19.360 Hawaiians can't handle that kind of cold.

01:20:20.840 They'd just die right away.

01:20:22.740 First of all, they wouldn't even have a dress for it.

01:20:24.580 They'd get off the plane and freeze to death.

01:20:26.320 I mean, they'd just be frozen right there.

01:20:28.480 And they'd just come up with a statue.

01:20:29.900 They'd just keep them frozen and have like the Hawaiian museum.

01:20:33.960 And kids from Alaska would walk through that frozen museum of like frozen Hawaiians. 1.00

01:20:38.380 Fuck that. 1.00

01:20:40.360 Yeah, dude. 1.00

01:20:41.060 Milo and Lilo and Stitch is their big movie.

01:20:44.400 Oh, yeah.

01:20:44.860 Alaska has Call of the Wild. 0.99

01:20:46.480 One dude went out there and tried to read a book and fucking died in a bus. 0.99

01:20:50.160 Yes, he did. 0.99

01:20:51.280 But Jack London wrote To Build a Fire, Call of the Wild.

01:20:54.440 Jack London was a great writer.

01:20:56.300 And he didn't even live in Alaska.

01:20:57.760 Somebody said he just read about it.

01:20:59.540 Well, he...

01:21:00.580 And I made that up.

01:21:01.600 Okay.

01:21:02.220 Yeah, he did live in Alaska.

01:21:03.480 He worked on a boat. 1.00

01:21:05.320 He's a great fucking writer. 1.00

01:21:07.240 Deadliest catch? 1.00

01:21:08.240 That's off of where Alaska is. 0.65

01:21:09.480 Oh, yeah, bro.

01:21:10.800 Dude, deadliest catch?

01:21:12.940 That's an unsafe work environment.

01:21:14.620 Yeah.

01:21:15.020 Not the Google cafeteria because somebody wrote some stuff about men and women. 1.00

01:21:19.120 Fucking pussies. 1.00

01:21:20.500 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:21.300 Not the Oahu fucking Mahi Grill. 0.94

01:21:25.140 That is not a dangerous work environment. 0.98

01:21:27.620 It sure ain't.

01:21:28.360 Yeah.

01:21:28.820 And plus your camouflage in a while, you guys picked the worst camouflage.

01:21:32.180 It's the floral, the bright colors. 1.00

01:21:34.220 You're fucking good. 0.99

01:21:34.920 You look like a tropical bird. 1.00

01:21:36.840 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:37.440 All I want to do is shoot you out of the sky. 1.00

01:21:39.340 Bro, you're going to get shot on the plane, bro. 1.00

01:21:41.660 They're going to know you're coming. 1.00

01:21:43.320 I know.

01:21:44.400 I know.

01:21:44.620 So, I think all of your hardest hitters have really probably moved on to Hawaii.

01:21:49.000 Alaska.

01:21:49.780 There you go.

01:21:51.040 There you go.

01:21:51.660 We have a lot of Alaskan listeners, too, actually.

01:21:53.900 Really?

01:21:54.080 We've got a lot of video and audio submissions from Alaska.

01:21:57.140 Wow.

01:21:58.140 So, let's...

01:21:59.180 And there's the next rounds.

01:22:01.320 We'll put those on the screen.

01:22:03.220 We've got some good ones.

01:22:04.320 Good.

01:22:04.660 We did well, I think.

01:22:05.600 I think we did well, too, man.

01:22:07.300 Very interesting.

01:22:08.140 Thank you for the knowledge, man.

01:22:10.960 This is a big second-round matchup, California, Montana.

01:22:13.600 Yeah.

01:22:13.740 Who are some of the big ones?

01:22:14.380 Cali, Montana.

01:22:15.560 Wow.

01:22:15.980 Texas, Virginia.

01:22:17.940 It's going to be good.

01:22:19.460 New Jersey versus West Virginia.

01:22:22.700 Can you even imagine that?

01:22:24.780 Oh, that's aggression.

01:22:28.520 It's going... 1.00

01:22:29.500 Damn! 1.00

01:22:30.400 Bro. 1.00

01:22:31.040 I don't know. 0.99

01:22:31.760 That's a fucking tough one. 0.99

01:22:33.940 Jersey. 1.00

01:22:34.460 Wow.

01:22:34.660 Oklahoma, Louisiana.

01:22:36.900 A jersey is Italian versus redneck.

01:22:40.160 That's... 1.00

01:22:40.680 Both are tough as fuck. 1.00

01:22:42.600 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:43.200 We're going to have to think about a lot of these.

01:22:45.100 Video submissions.

01:22:45.760 Yeah, send in videos.

01:22:47.040 We don't know if it'll be Brian here next time.

01:22:48.840 We may have another famous comedian here.

01:22:51.080 I love being here, though.

01:22:52.040 Thank you for having me.

01:22:52.820 I'm next door.

01:22:53.380 You know where to find me.

01:22:54.180 Oh, we hear you.

01:22:55.260 Is this from me?

01:22:55.880 Yeah.

01:22:56.580 Really?

01:22:57.020 We hear you, buddy.

01:22:58.060 And you just started a YouTube channel, right, Brian?

01:23:00.120 Yeah.

01:23:00.660 Brian Callen at YouTube slash...

01:23:03.540 Right?

01:23:04.800 YouTube.com slash Brian Callen Live.

01:23:07.460 Yeah.

01:23:08.120 YouTube.com slash Brian Callen Live.

01:23:09.760 And we're going to give you this, man, to take care of yourself as you move forward.

01:23:13.160 Thank you, buddy.

01:23:13.360 You just pissed off a lot of states, so...

01:23:14.960 Yeah.

01:23:15.340 I appreciate that. 1.00

01:23:16.700 And get complicated apes, you fucks. 1.00

01:23:18.800 Yeah. 1.00

01:23:19.060 And I'll put complicated apes on my Instagram right now.

01:23:21.960 Check it out.

01:23:22.560 This will go out today.

01:23:24.260 And thank you so much to the Fighter and the Kid for always being so supportive, man.

01:23:27.120 You guys have been...

01:23:28.580 We wouldn't...

01:23:29.400 You're one of our favorites, brother.

01:23:30.620 Well, it's nice.

01:23:31.240 You're special.

01:23:31.700 Let's get that new belt. 1.00

01:23:32.540 Don't forget that.

01:23:33.280 Yeah, we're the... 1.00

01:23:34.900 Fuck. 1.00

01:23:35.960 Did you get... 1.00

01:23:36.500 Oh, we got it.

01:23:37.420 It's coming.

01:23:38.160 It's coming.

01:23:38.780 This is good.

01:23:39.680 It's coming. 0.99

01:23:40.460 It's fucking almost... 0.98

01:23:41.260 Organic coconut water. 0.99

01:23:41.940 April. 0.99

01:23:42.720 Damn, this is good. 0.99

01:23:44.520 No, no, bro. 1.00

01:23:44.940 We got it coming.

01:23:45.740 Yeah, bro.

01:23:46.220 What?

01:23:46.780 Well, give me an interim belt in the meantime.

01:23:48.540 I saw it, and I'm very happy with it.

01:23:50.320 Yeah, sure.

01:23:51.520 It's going to be beautiful.

01:23:52.780 Where?

01:23:53.360 We're having an order.

01:23:54.320 Was it a vision you had?

01:23:55.540 Yeah, we had to hire a blacksmith.

01:23:57.860 We got an anvil.

01:23:58.620 Wow.

01:23:59.160 Banging it out.

01:24:00.080 Had to mine the gold.

01:24:02.160 You know what I'm saying?

01:24:02.820 And the gems.

01:24:03.700 And where's Chris D'Elia going to be at, dude?

01:24:05.680 You know those puppies he has on his Instagram?

01:24:07.520 They're not real.

01:24:08.060 They bring them over to his house to use them.

01:24:09.660 Mm-hmm.

01:24:09.960 And then the lady takes them back. 1.00

01:24:12.580 Chris is a phony and a racist. 1.00

01:24:14.100 There he is. 1.00

01:24:15.040 Oh, definitely.

01:24:16.000 I don't mean to spread rumors, but...

01:24:17.520 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:17.900 Holy fuck. 1.00

01:24:18.600 Hold on. 1.00

01:24:18.960 Is this a knife?

01:24:19.840 Yeah.

01:24:20.520 Check out that blade.

01:24:21.640 I love knives.

01:24:22.620 You got to be able to get in a box, or you're going to lose to every state.

01:24:25.120 Folds in the long way.

01:24:26.200 Yeah, there's a latch on the side.

01:24:28.880 Yeah, the side folds up.

01:24:30.080 You don't realize it.

01:24:30.780 Oh, the side folds. 1.00

01:24:31.620 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:24:33.340 I want this knife. 1.00

01:24:34.500 Oh, take it.

01:24:34.960 Put it in your car.

01:24:35.920 Very helpful in the car.

01:24:36.880 I carry a knife.

01:24:37.760 Well, now you carry him two knives.

01:24:39.760 Dude.

01:24:40.160 Dude, I have two knives on me right now. 1.00

01:24:41.720 Holy fuck. 1.00

01:24:42.440 I like this knife. 1.00

01:24:43.240 But you know what?

01:24:44.160 I want a switchblade.

01:24:45.560 I want a stiletto. 1.00

01:24:46.880 Well, switch that bitch out. 1.00

01:24:48.060 That's a nice little knife, dude. 1.00

01:24:49.840 I'd do some damage with that. 1.00

01:24:51.080 Oh, you could stab 15 people for it. 1.00

01:24:52.440 It'll fucking be not that shot. 1.00

01:24:53.340 I'll unzip him, man. 0.99

01:24:54.880 Oh.

01:24:55.400 I'll unzip you.

01:24:56.240 Oh, yeah.

01:24:56.840 That's what I say to a guy.

01:24:57.820 I go, hey, bro.

01:24:59.460 You want me to unzip you?

01:25:01.840 Careful, brother.

01:25:03.320 I'll unzip you.

01:25:04.620 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:05.040 I'll play for keeps because I'll gut you like a dog. 1.00

01:25:07.460 That's the kind of shit I say. 1.00

01:25:08.660 You want to know how many? 1.00

01:25:09.420 You want to fucking count your ribs while you die? 1.00

01:25:12.080 That's it. 1.00

01:25:12.660 Yeah.

01:25:13.460 That's it, bro.

01:25:14.460 I'll open you up and you lose hydraulics in eight seconds. 1.00

01:25:16.980 Oh, damn. 0.99

01:25:17.840 Dude, look. 1.00

01:25:18.320 I brought these two little xylophone mallets.

01:25:20.900 I did Marin's podcast.

01:25:22.640 I was talking about that.

01:25:23.220 There's this guy who said, if I can start cutting you here in your arms, you're going

01:25:26.120 to lose hydraulics in about eight seconds.

01:25:28.440 Jesus.

01:25:28.960 I was like, hydraulics?

01:25:30.200 I didn't know I had hydraulics.

01:25:31.620 It's so nice.

01:25:32.080 Who gave you this knife?

01:25:33.480 Ridge.

01:25:33.800 They do.

01:25:34.320 They sponsor us.

01:25:35.840 Hey, Ridge.

01:25:36.720 I want a knife.

01:25:37.700 You got one.

01:25:38.220 That's yours.

01:25:39.240 Really?

01:25:39.680 Yeah, man.

01:25:40.200 Ridge, I want a knife where I can, like the stilettos, for real.

01:25:43.880 Like, I want a bigger one.

01:25:44.760 Oh, that.

01:25:45.440 I want a bigger one.

01:25:46.820 That Richie Valens, bro.

01:25:48.160 Yeah, I want a knife where I can push up and be ready, for real.

01:25:50.880 Yeah.

01:25:51.260 Send me one.

01:25:51.800 Oh, that's something you break out at a diner.

01:25:52.720 Can you have them send me one?

01:25:53.980 Yeah, let's see.

01:25:54.540 You keep this one.

01:25:55.020 They might have those.

01:25:56.100 I'm not taking this one from you.

01:25:57.660 Maybe they'll add it to the product line just for Brian.

01:25:59.420 Don't forget that, bro. 1.00

01:25:59.800 You just fucking told 20 states that they aren't shit. 1.00

01:26:03.320 All right. 1.00

01:26:03.860 I'll take this.

01:26:04.180 And you're going to two of them this weekend.

01:26:05.780 I'll take this Ridge knife.

01:26:07.140 I like this.

01:26:07.820 Thank you.

01:26:08.240 But one thing is, though, Kansas City is right there on the border, man.

01:26:12.300 But you're going to have people from both walks of life, Kansas and Missouri.

01:26:15.260 Come out one and all.

01:26:16.420 Come out strong.

01:26:17.800 Yeah.

01:26:18.160 You know what I'm saying?

01:26:18.940 Oh, yeah.

01:26:19.300 Dude, that's a knife. 1.00

01:26:20.400 Dude, I'll keep you busy with this fucking knife. 1.00

01:26:22.820 Oh, I'll keep a fucking cat busy with my dick. 1.00

01:26:25.680 Oh, you will. 1.00

01:26:26.380 But you see what I say is when I pull out my knife and I go, I just start picking my teeth.

01:26:29.900 I mean, picking my nails.

01:26:31.040 I go like this.

01:26:31.560 Hand teeth. 0.55

01:26:32.280 And I go, just remember, your kung fu is no good here. 1.00

01:26:37.340 See what I did?

01:26:38.100 Yeah, man.

01:26:38.660 You see how I went low?

01:26:39.680 Just remember, your kung fu is no good here. 1.00

01:26:45.680 That's scary, dude.

01:26:47.000 Dude, I feel like I'm in an outtake from There Will Be Blood.

01:26:49.720 Yeah.

01:26:50.280 You know?

01:26:51.220 I drink your milkshake.

01:26:53.120 Yeah.

01:26:53.680 I drink your milkshake.

01:26:55.680 It was a different time, man.

01:26:57.140 Would you have served?

01:26:57.900 What, obviously, you're surviving a lot in this time period, but what time period do you

01:27:03.920 think you could not have survived well in?

01:27:06.580 I mean, the thing that people don't realize about most of history is you died of diseases

01:27:15.040 like the pox, the plague, diphtheria, malaria, all kinds of diseases.

01:27:23.880 So, you know, you, you, you, and if you didn't do that, you'd get cut and get an infection and

01:27:30.320 get staph and die. 0.82

01:27:31.980 It would go septic.

01:27:33.280 Or they have to, you know, people who have a problem with Western medicine, please look

01:27:38.240 at some old pictures of the Civil War.

01:27:40.280 Yeah.

01:27:40.420 There were mountains of amputated legs and hands and feet and, and arms because when

01:27:46.720 you got injured, they had to cut your hand off because it was going to go gangrene.

01:27:50.700 It was going to kill the rest of you.

01:27:51.700 Yes. 0.84

01:27:52.080 Wow.

01:27:52.480 So you had to lose, we didn't come up with, with essentially, you know, things to dress

01:27:58.920 wounds until world, world, world one.

01:28:01.160 And after you got, you just had to have it lopped off and we didn't really have anesthetic. 0.99

01:28:06.540 Oh, bite down on this fucking, on this, on this rag. 1.00

01:28:09.880 And we're going to cut your goddamn leg off. 1.00

01:28:11.860 That's what would happen. 1.00

01:28:13.300 Can you imagine?

01:28:14.380 I mean, so we owe much to technology. 0.99

01:28:16.980 And now we got a fucking bunch of twinks out here skating on fucking frozen water. 1.00

01:28:21.160 People who don't vaccinate their kids, man. 1.00

01:28:23.060 I mean, I don't know.

01:28:24.500 Like if you look at history, forget the science, just pick up a book on literature or history.

01:28:28.960 Yeah.

01:28:29.380 Everybody was dying.

01:28:30.580 You lost your kids. 0.98

01:28:31.700 You buried your kids to shitty diseases, tetanus, things that we don't even think about 0.99

01:28:35.920 anymore. 0.98

01:28:36.640 Yeah.

01:28:37.020 A rusty nail. 1.00

01:28:37.720 Dude, you want to lose your son to a fucking rusty nail because you had a, you have a stance 1.00

01:28:43.040 on some severely like outlandish idea. 1.00

01:28:46.800 That's the problem.

01:28:47.920 That's what's going to happen in some of these cities, bro.

01:28:49.760 San Francisco.

01:28:49.860 Already is.

01:28:50.620 Already is.

01:28:51.300 It's already happening.

01:28:52.480 But I mean, that's just, that's just ignorance.

01:28:54.400 Yeah.

01:28:54.620 You know, people just don't trust big pharma.

01:28:56.380 And I understand that.

01:28:57.340 Oh, yeah.

01:28:57.640 I understand where that comes from.

01:28:58.800 But, but you can't get your information off of YouTube and Google only.

01:29:02.680 Yeah.

01:29:03.100 Leave this site.

01:29:03.900 Just listen to scientists.

01:29:05.920 But dude, scientists are in the pocket of the companies.

01:29:08.600 Sometimes.

01:29:08.860 Sometimes, sometimes, but when you, when the massive, it's not even that I'm saying, forget.

01:29:14.980 Okay.

01:29:15.120 If you don't want to listen to all the scientists, because I guess they're all evil and they're

01:29:19.620 all taking money, I guess, I mean, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard, but if

01:29:23.180 you don't, so you're, all your doctors are wrong, all your doctors are wrong, all your 0.88

01:29:26.820 scientists are wrong.

01:29:27.320 Cool.

01:29:27.580 I'll give that to you.

01:29:28.340 You got that.

01:29:28.940 Ready?

01:29:29.760 Now just pick up, because you don't do this.

01:29:32.800 I know you don't do this.

01:29:33.960 Most people read any good work of literature, any great play.

01:29:40.080 I mean, any, we're watching people die of like consumption, whatever it might be.

01:29:44.980 Read any history book.

01:29:47.440 Oregon trail.

01:29:47.760 Talk to any historian who doesn't make money from the pharmaceutical companies.

01:29:51.760 Right.

01:29:52.060 Talk to anybody.

01:29:53.160 They will tell you that disease, that disease that we now vaccinate for, we're the leading

01:29:59.340 causes of death.

01:30:00.500 You lost your children, you lost entire groups of people, the Spanish flu killed, that's just 1.00

01:30:07.920 a matter of historical record.

01:30:09.620 What are you talking about?

01:30:11.200 Yeah.

01:30:11.920 Smallpox throughout the world.

01:30:13.460 I grew up in those countries in the 70s.

01:30:15.540 I lived there. 1.00

01:30:17.080 I saw leprosy with my own eyes, you dumb fucks. 1.00

01:30:20.940 Without tetracycline, without tetracycline, you'd be done. 1.00

01:30:24.040 I watched people die of AIDS with my own eyes, my own neighbors, my own friends.

01:30:28.880 I saw it in New York every single day.

01:30:31.560 Jerry O'Connell saw it too. 1.00

01:30:32.940 And then they came along with protease inhibitors, you fucking idiots. 1.00

01:30:36.320 So big pharma saves lives as well. 1.00

01:30:39.320 Right.

01:30:39.580 I saw what AIDS did.

01:30:41.240 If you want to be an AIDS denier, go ahead. 1.00

01:30:43.140 The problem is I saw it with my own eyes, you fucks. 1.00

01:30:45.620 And now they're not dying anymore. 1.00

01:30:47.160 Now AIDS is as manageable or more manageable than diabetes. 0.95

01:30:51.700 And the virus has had to fucking constantly compromise themselves so much because of these 0.70

01:30:57.140 cocktail drugs, thanks to big pharma and science. 0.73

01:31:01.420 So if that's the case, we know that.

01:31:05.000 If you have staff or MRSA, then don't trust big pharma.

01:31:09.900 Yeah, go fix it yourself. 1.00

01:31:10.800 Yeah, go fix it yourself and use seaweed and honey, you dumb fuck. 1.00

01:31:13.940 Yeah, you fuck. 1.00

01:31:14.640 And see how long you live. 1.00

01:31:15.740 So it's funny to me that people, they use the technology in their Apple phones, but that's

01:31:21.260 not evil, but they don't trust other technology.

01:31:24.740 I'm one of those people.

01:31:25.740 It's confirmation bias.

01:31:27.100 Yeah. 0.99

01:31:27.380 You benefit every fucking day from scientific thinking. 0.99

01:31:29.940 Right. 1.00

01:31:30.400 You don't bury your friends and your children and your parents because of scientific thinking, 1.00

01:31:35.860 you dumb fucks. 1.00

01:31:37.300 A little respect where it's due. 1.00

01:31:39.100 I'm not saying you have to trust big pharma.

01:31:40.860 I'm not saying big pharma doesn't have profit, motive, and greed.

01:31:43.900 And I'm not saying there aren't corrupt people in all these things.

01:31:46.560 And I'm not saying there's not a bad dude named Big Pharma out there.

01:31:49.580 Yeah.

01:31:49.760 I'm not saying that you should trust your government.

01:31:52.940 I don't.

01:31:53.440 Right.

01:31:53.820 I don't trust a lot of big pharma.

01:31:56.300 I understand that. 1.00

01:31:57.520 But when you start going against vaccines across the board, you're dumb as fuck. 1.00

01:32:01.920 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:02.480 You're dumb. 1.00

01:32:03.180 You're an ignorant idiot who knows nothing about history. 1.00

01:32:05.880 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:06.140 And if we are addicted, we have a part in that. 0.99

01:32:08.660 If you're addicted to some freaking drugs, you're the one that's addicted. 0.96

01:32:12.820 Like, sure, they're addictive. 0.99

01:32:14.440 You got these crazy doctors shouldn't be writing all these prescriptions.

01:32:17.760 But you have a part in that as well.

01:32:20.200 We have a part in that as well, you know, as users, you know.

01:32:23.160 If, you know, just because Lakeside Maple, who's not sponsoring us anymore, but who we 0.98

01:32:27.420 still love and has been a very great small business, just because they keep making fucking 0.87

01:32:31.800 maple, you know, trail mix doesn't make them bad people. 0.91

01:32:36.000 No, it doesn't make them bad people. 0.99

01:32:36.900 Me sitting here fucking eating it. 1.00

01:32:38.220 Trail mix cures smallpox. 1.00

01:32:39.800 Yeah.

01:32:40.520 It could, man.

01:32:41.240 You never know.

01:32:41.860 So, Brian Callen, thank you so much.

01:32:44.800 Your special, Complicated Apes.

01:32:48.500 Is it just audio or video, too?

01:32:50.120 No, video and audio.

01:32:51.520 Yeah.

01:32:51.940 It's doing really well, but it's the best thing I've ever done, I think.

01:32:55.120 And I think you'll laugh.

01:32:57.020 I think you'll laugh.

01:32:57.900 You know, you're one of the most entertaining men I know.

01:33:00.200 I always say that I think entertainers are making a big comeback on stage.

01:33:03.940 Yeah.

01:33:04.180 You know, and you've always been out there, but guys like you, Sebastian Maniscalco, people

01:33:08.340 that are actually entertaining.

01:33:09.780 There's something to hear, but also there's something to watch, you know?

01:33:12.360 Hopefully.

01:33:12.760 I appreciate it.

01:33:13.400 That's what we love to do.

01:33:14.160 It's the truth.

01:33:14.360 We'll see you guys in the future for round two of this past weekend's State Wars March Madness.

01:33:21.000 Thank you, Gianni.

01:33:21.700 Thank you, Nick.

01:33:22.600 Thank you.

01:33:23.440 Yeah.

01:33:24.080 Thanks, man.

01:33:25.800 Heard that young boy.

01:33:27.140 It's adorable.

01:33:28.080 Stem cells.

01:33:28.880 All right, cutie pies. 0.98

01:33:30.360 Thanks, everybody.

01:33:31.360 Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:33:38.180 I must be cornerstone.

01:33:43.260 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:33:48.900 I can feel it in my bones.

01:33:52.300 But it's going to take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind

01:34:04.600 Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:34:14.580 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club,

01:34:42.860 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events,

01:34:46.900 stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:34:50.620 The answer may shock you.

01:34:52.360 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:34:54.480 Sometimes I won't.

01:34:55.940 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:34:59.040 You have three new voice messages.

01:35:02.000 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:35:04.940 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else.

01:35:09.240 So great.

01:35:09.880 Hey, sweetheart, here's a deal. 1.00

01:35:13.620 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 0.99

01:35:17.520 Do you know what I mean? 0.99

01:35:18.800 Oh, hi.

01:35:19.680 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:35:22.620 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:35:24.700 Oh, no.

01:35:26.180 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:35:29.260 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:35:33.580 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:35:37.840 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts,

01:35:41.440 or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:35:43.580 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

01:35:46.660 Thank you.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 22, 2019

State Wars March Madness w⧸ Bryan Callen ｜ This Past Weekend #183

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