This Past Weekend with Theo Von - There's Something About Marys ｜ This Past Weekend #157

00:00:00.000 It is a good day here. It is December here. It is Monday morning. It is the year 2018 coming to a close.

00:00:13.480 You know, you can hear Mother Nature and Father Time and the Lord. You know, you can hear Buddha and all of them, the whole crew. They're boxing up the year.

00:00:24.600 they've been using the year

00:00:27.420 playing it all

00:00:28.800 like a board game

00:00:30.840 and now they're putting it back in the box

00:00:33.720 things have happened

00:00:35.660 people have come and go

00:00:37.900 and babies have 1.00

00:00:38.780 crawled out of crotches 0.91

00:00:40.820 and senior citizens 0.99

00:00:42.640 have 1.00

00:00:43.780 crawled back into the earth

00:00:46.980 in that bad

00:00:49.360 motorcycle

00:00:49.980 of living

00:00:52.140 and life

00:00:53.960 and dying and condensation and acid rain and telecommunications

00:01:02.780 and all of it, the whole whirlpool of existence

00:01:09.200 has almost come to the end of its coil for this year, 2018.

00:01:15.860 and as the year goes into the box

00:01:21.880 all that's left to do is wrap it up

00:01:25.720 and put a bow on it

00:01:28.000 and that's what we're trying to do I think

00:01:31.120 if it's been good, if it's been bad

00:01:35.360 if it's been ugly

00:01:36.920 if you've lost someone, if you've loved someone

00:01:40.620 it just uh we gotta you gotta finish strong here and just put a bow on it

00:01:49.600 look forward to this to this new beginning it's coming i'm happy to be here with you guys uh

00:01:58.180 welcome to this past weekend

00:02:01.380 Hey.

00:02:31.380 I started to get a little bit lost on where we were in the song.

00:02:59.720 That's Jingle Bells.

00:03:01.380 jingle bells and some people say jangle jangle bells some people say probably even jungle bells

00:03:08.800 probably you know those people let's be honest they're they're probably not doing super great

00:03:14.860 people that say jungle bells but that's jingle bells that was sent in by a man named tiny sand

00:03:21.580 who and some people don't know who he is and some people know who he is and tiny sand who he's

00:03:28.840 we've never seen him you know and this was a this was a i guess he's a man he said he he he was

00:03:35.540 in emails he started just emailing in riffs that he made with his own fingers you know in his own

00:03:43.380 10 fingers i'm assuming he have he that he have 10 fingers and he made those riffs for us and that

00:03:49.640 one right there is jingle bells and he sent that into us last year around this time of year and so

00:03:55.640 So I just wanted to play it again so that we could have that.

00:04:00.140 And just to remind us how or remind me that so many people have contributed to this bad motor scooter right here of this past weekend.

00:04:09.620 And thank you guys for being with me.

00:04:11.980 Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.

00:04:16.260 You know, there comes a time in every man's life when he doesn't know what to do.

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00:04:36.020 Today's episode is brought to you by Minimal Case, MNML Case.

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00:05:53.360 That's minimal case.

00:05:56.060 And those things are basically like, it's like putting a condom, like a hard condom on your phone.

00:06:01.280 And you know that.

00:06:03.760 Oh, wow, what a week.

00:06:07.440 Santa's coming.

00:06:09.220 Santa.

00:06:10.960 Dude, in these days, I think Santa could probably catch some charges.

00:06:17.320 You know, it's a different time now. 0.72

00:06:20.220 A big white dude rolls down a chimney somewhere, bruh. 0.74

00:06:25.140 You know, it's not going to work super well right now.

00:06:29.840 You know, probably, I'm surprised a lot of, you know, extreme liberal people,

00:06:34.800 they're probably going to put little caps on their chimneys.

00:06:37.400 saying that you know they don't they don't want to be a part of it i heard somebody the other day

00:06:45.220 a parent out here in los angeles saying that they didn't want their children celebrating christmas

00:06:50.600 that it feels it feels errant that gifts just come out of nowhere and it creates an environment

00:06:57.800 where they feel like their children didn't do anything but are but are getting gifts it creates 0.98

00:07:03.040 a bad example for their kids man fuck that this is Christmas man it's the one time a year when 0.99

00:07:14.620 you know a old guy can wander around and do something nice for a kid every other old guy 1.00

00:07:21.980 if it ain't your grandfather it's a pedophile you know with some guy who's you know eating

00:07:29.760 cookies all day and then trying to touch a little bit of young skin and that's the thing i think on 0.70

00:07:36.200 a lot of these you know on senior citizens because a senior citizen is just a regular person that 0.72

00:07:42.620 you know is just really you know that that death is kind of starting to fucking flirt with that's

00:07:51.820 all they are a senior citizen is just a kid that's like 70 or 80 years old you know i'm saying

00:07:57.700 it's just something really you know a senior senior citizens really they're basically just 0.99

00:08:04.800 they're people that are starting to bother everybody you know they're wild and so some 0.99

00:08:13.000 of them they just they lash out if you've been ever been to a senior care facility when i was in

00:08:18.100 when i was in high school i went and lived with a family and uh and and the mother was a speech 0.64

00:08:27.580 pathologist and she used to put these sucker these little lollipops in like a senior citizen's mouth

00:08:34.020 and the lollipops had a little electric motor hooked onto it on the stick of the lollipop 0.96

00:08:40.500 you would put the stick into this little motorized button thing you press the button and the lolly

00:08:46.060 would would that lolly would spin in the senior's mouth and it would get him to start 1.00

00:08:51.780 you know getting moist or you know uh get them glistening and stuff on that fucking tongue 0.99

00:08:58.820 and then they would be able to talk easier and you know because some of them had had strokes and 1.00

00:09:04.080 you know two strokes and fucking you know greens and regulation and fucking you know birdies and 0.99

00:09:11.680 double birdies they had all kind of mental health issues and everything and they couldn't barely 1.00

00:09:15.760 sometimes move their mouth or talk and she put this little lolly on their tongue and get that 1.00

00:09:21.320 bitch spinning you know and then it would get them soft you know it would get them softened up in the 1.00

00:09:27.440 jowls and they could participate and start to learn to communicate rehabilitation that's what 0.99

00:09:33.600 they call they call that rehabilitation and and so sometime we get high after school and go in there 0.99

00:09:41.560 and um and she'd let us go warm up one of the seniors because she would do the lolly in her

00:09:48.240 mouth for a while and then have them do the alphabet or you know uh you know they would say 1.00

00:09:55.460 like uh Wilma washes um you know the windowsills or things like that little tongue tanglers you

00:10:03.980 know uh Larry loves you know liquid lozenges and say it as much as you can and things like that

00:10:11.000 every brown car does fine things like that um you know what i'm saying uh you know uh shane

00:10:20.160 shane what is it shane sells salmon um at may not macy's i don't know what it was shane uh she

00:10:28.200 shells she shells salmon at the she shore things like that different you know you know little

00:10:35.020 verbal you know jump about to get your face happening and so anyway sometimes we get in 0.94

00:10:41.600 there bro and we get stoned we come from school and fucking joint out and get all fucking pop pop 0.99

00:10:47.400 you know we'd have the you know we'd have the devil fucking dancing behind you know 0.99

00:10:51.980 you know dancing behind our eyeballs and we get in there and get a couple of those little 0.99

00:10:56.340 motorized lollies and fucking just plop them on the tongue of any senior because they like that 0.99

00:11:01.240 activity. Dude, you put a motorized lolly on the tongue of a senior citizen, bro, their 0.99

00:11:11.240 whole body will start to sweat, some of them. It is a real, because for some of them, that's

00:11:15.940 the most, it's the most sexual action they've had in decades, maybe. And sometimes, you

00:11:24.900 know, one time we got in there and my friend Bo, he'd never been in there. He'd never been

00:11:29.280 into the senior center and dude i was in there i was fucking running around hiding you know i'd 0.97

00:11:34.840 hijack a couple dollars and shit like that a lot of them had stamp collections and shit and i'd get 0.98

00:11:39.480 in there and you know look at the stamps and be all high and just you know um put on their 0.99

00:11:45.100 different sometimes they had you know big jackets and big sweaters and i'd put on some of their 0.90

00:11:50.900 clothes and just you know fucking around at the scene you know at the senior center and he my 0.74

00:11:55.900 buddy Bo one time he got in there I didn't tell him that uh that I told him that you got to go 0.94

00:12:02.840 hug them all when you see them right when when you see the same seniors one of the rules is you

00:12:06.660 got to go hug them and so next thing you know he's hug he's just going senior to senior you know 0.99

00:12:10.500 giving them that fucking double arm you you know just that double arm fucking rum shackle just 0.99

00:12:16.960 hitting him straight up just chest to chest and uh and some of the older ones would fucking 0.99

00:12:22.180 you know grab his fat or do you know touches even he was a little he had a little bit extra 1.00

00:12:28.360 weight on him at the time and he had fucking you know um kind of kid tits on him you know 1.00

00:12:34.280 middle-aged kid he was like a middle-aged child you know we're 15 i guess and he kind of had a 1.00

00:12:39.500 little bit of tits on him and some of these seniors you bro they fucking grab a boy's tit man 1.00

00:12:46.700 Because a tit's a tit. 1.00

00:12:49.860 You know, people don't think about that. 1.00

00:12:52.640 People think, oh, man, I saw these tits on this girl or whatever. 1.00

00:12:55.920 But a tit is a tit. 1.00

00:12:58.700 A titty don't know if it's on a man or woman. 0.98

00:13:00.720 A titty is just doing its thing. 1.00

00:13:03.880 But yeah, sometimes seniors, they'll touch a fucking skin or they'll do, they're naughty. 1.00

00:13:09.560 I mean, seniors are, they're just children hiding in very old skin and eyes and hair. 1.00

00:13:14.360 That's all they are.

00:13:15.960 They're basically just a kid like in a sleeping bag, but the sleeping bag is made out of old skin and and different stuff like that.

00:13:25.200 And, you know, and sometimes they put baby powder on.

00:13:28.700 And now with one of them, they had this one dude, Mr.

00:13:32.500 I guess I want to say his name is Mr. Damien, this big black guy, bro. 0.99

00:13:36.540 And dude, he put so much baby powder on fucking down. 0.99

00:13:40.920 He thought he was fucking four months old, bro. 0.99

00:13:43.200 and sometimes you're talking to him 1.00

00:13:45.700 and he smells so much like baby powder

00:13:47.540 you would forget he was a senior citizen.

00:13:51.920 Especially when you're high, dude.

00:13:53.320 I'm sitting there high

00:13:54.380 and Mr. Damien, dude, he was, you know,

00:13:58.180 and he was urban, you know what I'm saying?

00:13:59.780 He was, I don't know if he was 100% African American

00:14:02.900 but he was at least maybe 80 or 88%.

00:14:05.940 And he, but he wore so much baby powder. 0.98

00:14:11.360 I mean, he looked like damn Pablo, you know, Juan Pablo, Montana. 0.97

00:14:16.260 I mean, he had just, it looked like he was just selling coke off his shoulders. 0.99

00:14:20.140 He had so much baby powder on him.

00:14:21.700 And you'd talk to him when you were stoned. 1.00

00:14:23.560 Dude, sometimes I thought he was just a fucking, you know, like a 160-pound, you know, black infant. 1.00

00:14:32.500 That was just really chatty, dude. 1.00

00:14:34.280 I'd get way high. 0.99

00:14:35.580 We used to get way high on that fucking ditch smoke, bro. 0.99

00:14:38.020 when people used to grow weed in ditches right out in front of their homes. 0.98

00:14:41.540 But anyway, you got to be careful. 1.00

00:14:45.600 Senior citizens are very unique and rare creatures, 0.99

00:14:48.040 and people forget about that.

00:14:49.520 What happened this past weekend, man?

00:14:51.240 Oh, dude.

00:14:53.640 I'll tell you this.

00:15:00.600 Oh, I went to dinner with David Spades.

00:15:02.660 i went to dinner with david spades uh yesterday night and we've been communicating some

00:15:12.500 and it's kind of crazy because people always talk about joe dirt and this and that

00:15:17.320 and then i feel it's almost like enough people talked about it and next thing you know we're

00:15:22.160 going to dinners and dude when you're going to i didn't know what to wear i mean i dude i was

00:15:28.520 trying on all of the shit i have which ain't much i got a new curious george sweater and um 0.80

00:15:34.540 i had a fucking trench coat but part of it was in a little bit of a fire and has like a 0.98

00:15:39.960 i guess it looks more like a wild western apocalypse kind of you know like something 0.97

00:15:46.840 maybe ralph loran not ralph maybe like a ralph yeah maybe like ralph loran in australia would

00:15:52.400 sell it it's like a trench coat but it kind of has an apocalyptic type of you know vibe to it

00:15:58.740 but anyway so i went to dinner with david spades and and it was fun dude bro he was talking the

00:16:05.760 stories about chris farley and uh and it was just kind of fascinating and i thought i was going to

00:16:13.220 be real real nervous you know i thought i was going to be real nervous because it's david spades

00:16:19.940 dude from um who was he in 50 first dates you know he's Joe Dirt he's I mean I you know he's

00:16:33.980 like an American idol he's like damn you know he's like kind of like a he's like Willie Nelson

00:16:40.640 but maybe like more of like but that could work at a library you know what I'm saying he had the 0.89

00:16:44.680 wild vibe but it was fun man it was just fun to talk about different stuff and i was telling

00:16:50.920 stories about growing up and uh yeah it was like a fancy restaurant and there was like people 0.74

00:16:56.720 drinking you know fucking all that you know they you could hire like a poor person to come over 0.82

00:17:03.480 and just cry into your mouth and it was like you know just it was that it was fancy you could get 1.00

00:17:10.400 anything you wanted you could get you know probably piss from damn neptune if you wanted a 0.98

00:17:15.580 couple quarts of that whatever you wanted they had it you could have somebody come over and drink 0.99

00:17:20.740 their blood right out and out of their neck you know a healthy person maybe from denver or from

00:17:26.080 one of those crossfit groups it's that kind of place i mean it's los angeles you can get whatever

00:17:31.360 you want unless you're a kid here you can barely get christmas anymore they said it's scary the

00:17:37.780 lady said the other day it's scary to have them to for your children to imagine a man they don't 0.98

00:17:42.300 know coming down the tree bitch that ain't a man that's santa have we lost it that is santa 0.99

00:17:52.120 it's santa it's not fucking you know jerry lawler it's not um 1.00

00:18:02.100 i don't know anybody else but it you know these are seasoned professionals for holidays 0.96

00:18:11.100 you know next year it's gonna be like oh the easter bunny i don't you know this doesn't sound

00:18:15.980 safe to have a rabbit coming and bringing um you know unboiled eggs and hiding them 1.00

00:18:23.440 this sounds like a salmonella issue suck a dick this shit man merry christmas to everybody out 1.00

00:18:32.940 there who's celebrating it that's what i'm telling you um but it was wild man i got to be you know 0.99

00:18:37.980 it was just kind of a crazy thing dude and i didn't feel super nervous i remember when i first

00:18:41.840 met david spades it was a couple years ago and i was like okay i was standing talking to him i was

00:18:48.640 like, all right, am I, do I look crazy right now? Do I seem, does my, do my arms, do I

00:18:57.140 have both my arms on my body? You know, is, you know, what's going on? You know, how do

00:19:05.340 I stand? Do I stand with one shoulder pointing at him? Do I stand, just stand as tall as

00:19:11.120 I can? What do I do? When do I talk? But it was just comfortable to just be relaxed

00:19:16.860 and we had some tuna.

00:19:17.820 They had cuts of tuna.

00:19:19.100 God dang.

00:19:21.600 This tuna, 1.00

00:19:22.520 fucking so good, 1.00

00:19:23.560 it could have been damn... 0.99

00:19:26.980 I don't know what it could... 0.98

00:19:27.860 I mean, it could...

00:19:28.460 It looked like it just...

00:19:30.160 I mean, just like they just...

00:19:32.200 Just the Lord himself,

00:19:33.860 they cut the backstrap 0.98

00:19:34.900 right out of dang Jesus Christ 0.67

00:19:36.300 and just sous-vied it or whatever. 0.74

00:19:39.020 Sautéed it.

00:19:41.100 This meat, dude.

00:19:42.620 Bro, you... 1.00

00:19:43.360 It was so fucking... 1.00

00:19:44.940 You brought it up to your mouth, 0.99

00:19:46.080 this tuna meat you brought it up to your mouth and it just disappeared bro that's how good it was

00:19:51.760 it just and the minerals and the vitamins were just in your body suddenly it was that kind of

00:19:57.220 thing and david spades he's notorious around los angeles for you know meeting a lot of ladies

00:20:04.060 and he's kind of like a seahorse of a man he's like a little you know he's kind of that cute

00:20:10.660 little delicate little magical creature but also gots that horse you know somebody i read somewhere

00:20:17.600 i think in a chat room or like in the dark internet that somebody said the little guy's 0.99

00:20:22.380 got like a damn you know probably six and a quarter inches of cock on him and that's about 0.99

00:20:29.240 a fifth of his height probably i don't know how tall he is but and i don't know that good of math 0.99

00:20:33.120 but but dude it was just crazy to be over there with david spades and just sitting there having

00:20:39.380 dinner and talking and just it was just fun and i did a couple comedy shows um so thank anybody

00:20:45.440 that came out we threw a gal out at the comedy store and i guess i felt kind of bad about it but

00:20:52.540 she had just had her feet on the stage and she was making she was just being really

00:20:57.820 uh selfish so that happened what else happened lost my fantasy league 0.56

00:21:06.460 dude and i sent that gay text that you send sometimes you're like oh 0.99

00:21:11.540 well i just want to say guys it was a good year i had fun i fucking hate having 0.99

00:21:16.860 i wish i wouldn't have sent it had a great time thank fuck that i wanted to win 1.00

00:21:24.800 you work so you know a lot of ladies out there i don't think they realize how hard men and work 1.00

00:21:30.980 at fantasy football. 1.00

00:21:33.280 It's the last thing we have

00:21:36.120 is fantasy football.

00:21:41.100 And the rules keep changing.

00:21:43.820 I mean, in another year or two,

00:21:45.680 the men aren't even going to be allowed on the field.

00:21:48.040 That's how crazy the rules are getting.

00:21:51.100 You know, it's just basically going to be

00:21:52.420 just two different teams from different cities

00:21:55.320 playing Pokemon cards.

00:22:00.980 But I was, oh, I realized this.

00:22:04.380 So, oh, I'll say this, man.

00:22:05.960 I don't want to tell you guys because I'm afraid that I'll start back,

00:22:08.220 but this is my sixth day of no smoking.

00:22:14.160 And I feel hopeful.

00:22:16.480 That's what I feel like.

00:22:19.400 You know, I just needed a change for myself.

00:22:21.220 I needed something to adjust.

00:22:22.380 I hate smoking.

00:22:23.800 I like it, but I don't like the way it makes me feel.

00:22:27.140 And in the end, I'm starting to think, I just don't like feeling, no matter what I do, I'm hard on myself about it.

00:22:38.460 You know, no matter what I do, if I do anything, no matter what it is, it's like, man, you shouldn't be doing that.

00:22:43.500 Man, you did that.

00:22:44.660 Man, it's like my brain always says something.

00:22:49.240 It won't let me enjoy anything, really.

00:22:52.100 Everything I do, there's something that's not right about it.

00:22:54.860 so that's kind of what i've started just realized recently and that's you know i don't like that

00:23:01.380 but you know i can figure that out i'll start to figure it out and but i don't like that it makes

00:23:07.860 it's like my brain doesn't want me to enjoy my experience in the world sometimes you know it's

00:23:15.380 like oh i'll go work out in my brain and i'll have a you know food after my brain like oh you 0.93

00:23:19.420 should have had different food than that you had that bullshit or you know i'll try uh you know 0.96

00:23:26.180 i'll have a little cuts of um you know london brawl at the house you know because i used to 1.00

00:23:32.300 have a ton of london brawl and then i i started thinking my brain's like damn dude you're gonna 0.96

00:23:38.340 turn into like a damn british person you know you have because one one week i had about honestly 0.98

00:23:46.300 probably five pounds of London Brawl. 0.98

00:23:50.740 I know it is a lot, I guess, but...

00:23:53.660 So my brain just wants me to not have fun sometimes.

00:23:58.360 I have to just be aware and know that, guess what,

00:24:00.880 sometimes I do want to have fun.

00:24:03.200 No matter what I'm doing, sometimes I just want to be like,

00:24:05.360 well, I did it.

00:24:07.280 That's just something I did.

00:24:08.480 I'm not a bad person.

00:24:09.600 I'm okay.

00:24:13.040 Speaking of people being okay,

00:24:14.540 Hey, Pete Davidson makes troubling Instagram posts.

00:24:18.840 Man, he's had a wild time, huh?

00:24:22.740 You know, Pete's, when you, the times I've been around Pete, I'll say this, he's always

00:24:29.000 been extremely nice, very kind.

00:24:33.680 He has a very loving, you know, he's almost like, you think of a teddy bear as like kind

00:24:40.300 of a fluffy, you know, a fluffy little, you know, thing maybe who got, you know, fluff

00:24:45.900 in him and, you know, little cottons and, you know, little packets of softener.

00:24:53.440 But, and he's like that, but he's like a tall, skinny one.

00:24:59.360 But yeah, I just, it just seemed like a lot of pressure for somebody that's having some

00:25:05.720 mental who's who's who's who's mentioned having mental health issues bipolar issues and

00:25:11.040 that's scary i bet you know i've never had i haven't had anything like that but i can imagine

00:25:16.760 it's scary and then he's in a big relationship and the media doesn't care those people don't 0.99

00:25:21.200 care the news they don't respect they don't give a fuck hollywood doesn't give a shit they put him 0.99

00:25:26.720 on snl an hour after he made a post that said he didn't know if he wanted to be alive is that 0.99

00:25:33.760 well I guess you know don't change

00:25:35.720 maybe it's the best way to do it

00:25:37.680 just cruise along with what he wants to do

00:25:40.120 but Jesus

00:25:40.780 who's close to him

00:25:43.080 and he just seems like he's in a tough

00:25:46.240 spot and I can understand it

00:25:48.060 I know what it's like to feel like you're in a tough spot

00:25:49.980 and not feel sure about yourself

00:25:51.920 and so I just hope he gets the help that he needs

00:25:56.040 if he needs help

00:25:57.220 you know I hope that he gets the help that he needs

00:25:59.960 dude Joe Rogan tweeted

00:26:01.780 that he would interview Kanye.

00:26:04.780 And man, I would love to see that.

00:26:07.440 I would love to see that.

00:26:10.040 I hope Joe Rogan ends up running the whole world.

00:26:12.540 He secretly does.

00:26:13.460 It's just, you know, people are slowly getting on to it.

00:26:17.460 I think.

00:26:18.160 What do I know, though?

00:26:20.840 What else?

00:26:21.660 Oh, dude, I've been realizing this.

00:26:24.040 So even though I quit smoking, 0.98

00:26:25.960 my um you know my jerking off has been kind of flaring up at night not at the daytime i noticed 0.89

00:26:36.400 my my heavy desires to really touch out and spray out of my own body occur around 1 a.m 12 40 12 40 0.99

00:26:49.600 to 120 i almost want to lock my dick away in a special box because i'll find and i will find 0.99

00:26:55.820 ways to you know but yeah i just keep finding ways to touch my own body until seed flies out 0.99

00:27:02.020 of it you know and it's kind of um it's tough it's tough when you just do it you know when you do it

00:27:07.120 too much but but we'll see we'll see man i'm not gonna feel bad about it i just wish that i had a 0.95

00:27:14.660 bit more control over it i mean i almost want to handcuff myself to the fucking neighbor's door 0.99

00:27:20.180 or something but the crazy thing is i've been noticing when i do masturbation in my room 0.99

00:27:26.640 the neighbor's dog will start barking and i don't know if anybody else is a pet owner

00:27:35.560 i've never been a pet owner you know i got attacked by a bunch of animals when i was young

00:27:40.840 two birthdays i got attacked once cats and also by dogs on a different birthday

00:27:47.460 Kind of a group attack they did.

00:27:51.680 But yeah, that kind of stuff, if you think that it's not, you know, it's just kind of alarming to think that the dog knows I'm doing it.

00:28:02.340 So if anybody has experience with that, where animals behave certain ways around them while they're experiencing, you know, full sexual or self-sexual, let us know.

00:28:14.380 Let me know, hit the hotline with that, 985-664-9503, because I swear to God, the thing, and it used to be that I had a neighbor, my neighbors had a cat, and if I would pleasure myself when I would leave the apartment later, the cat would be out there in front of their apartment. 0.98

00:28:29.760 and so something's going on i'm like the damn uh you know beat master you know like the beast 0.98

00:28:39.840 master he had all these little ferrets and little you know guatemalan fucking steam punks under his 0.99

00:28:45.420 arms and shit well i'm like the beat master dude i jerk off and all the animals show up 0.99

00:28:51.080 it's like damn what's going on because this is i mean i don't i don't think i'm living in like 0.99

00:28:58.020 in a magical apartment complex. 0.99

00:29:01.180 But if I'm doing masturbation, 0.99

00:29:03.140 I'm doing self-skeet, you know? 1.00

00:29:05.520 I'm doing that fucking, you know, 0.99

00:29:07.480 making my little own, you know, 0.99

00:29:09.480 doing my own old faithful over at the house.

00:29:14.240 Then there must be something going on.

00:29:20.240 You know, I don't know if my,

00:29:22.600 what's expelling out of my body

00:29:24.100 is coming out of a certain, you know,

00:29:26.420 audible octave or something

00:29:28.540 if the animals can hear it

00:29:30.300 or if it's

00:29:31.080 I don't know if I've been eating something that makes

00:29:34.320 the scent of it real strong or real

00:29:36.260 primal

00:29:36.840 but to have

00:29:40.560 that cat that would be on its doorstep

00:29:42.640 across the way when I would come out

00:29:44.360 after doing myself

00:29:45.980 and then now

00:29:48.100 to hear this dog barking

00:29:50.240 whimpering

00:29:50.880 and look, the crazy thing is

00:29:54.360 it took me a while to notice it

00:29:55.960 and finally I noticed it

00:29:58.860 and every time I notice it now

00:30:01.120 and I'm just thinking

00:30:04.860 how long was I doing this without even noticing 0.94

00:30:07.240 that every time I was masturbating 0.86

00:30:08.840 that there was a dog out there 0.98

00:30:10.580 you know a dog was

00:30:12.640 I didn't even notice that I was 0.78

00:30:15.240 jerking off and there was the sounds of a 0.91

00:30:17.100 you know a big animal

00:30:18.860 and I didn't even care or stop

00:30:21.380 you know I guess it just

00:30:23.280 I don't know 0.99

00:30:25.240 It doesn't make me feel bad about myself, but it makes me just like, what the fuck, man? 0.98

00:30:30.540 It makes me think I don't have a lot of skills, you know? 0.99

00:30:34.020 You know, if an animal's jerking off, if I'm jerking off and an animal is, you know, howling and stuff through just a regular apartment wall or, you know, it just makes me think I don't have a lot of skills if I'm not noticing that.

00:30:49.660 So, I don't know.

00:30:52.200 Maybe I need to meditate more or something.

00:30:53.740 But yeah, and then it makes me think, well, what if, you know, how far is this happening?

00:30:58.360 Like how many animals within like a, you know, within a half block radius? 0.99

00:31:03.000 Are there fucking monkeys swinging around the chandeliers? 0.99

00:31:05.540 Are birds chirping? 1.00

00:31:08.180 You know, are there worms coming up out of the ground? 0.96

00:31:10.400 Like what the fuck's going on when I, you know, what's going on? 0.97

00:31:15.100 So different times, man. 0.99

00:31:18.080 Different times.

00:31:18.900 They don't want Santa coming down the tree because it's, you know, embarrassing or down the chimney. 0.98

00:31:22.960 can't jerk off without a wolf coming near you 0.98

00:31:25.700 different times man 0.99

00:31:28.480 is it the end of times

00:31:30.480 man if it were the tour

00:31:33.940 if we're getting close to the end of times

00:31:35.660 time ain't just gonna end

00:31:37.560 there's gonna be you know

00:31:38.800 a couple months of just

00:31:40.640 you know

00:31:42.760 some exciting and adventurous decline

00:31:46.000 so one of my buddies was telling me the other day

00:31:49.600 he works at a company they make swords

00:31:51.260 like real nice swords and you know I mean I guess nice swords who knows dude but he said they've

00:31:58.880 been selling so many swords he said like hundreds of times the amount that they usually do so people

00:32:07.220 are getting ready people get ready there's a train coming get your swords bruh get a couple

00:32:14.960 nades. You know what I'm saying? Text your cousin that went AWOL. Say, hey, I need a

00:32:22.120 couple of fucking nades, bruh. Let's start that revolution, papa. What else happened 0.99

00:32:31.960 this past weekend, man? I don't know. I don't know. That's it, man. That was like the most

00:32:40.620 exciting stuff. I'll tell you that I got some upcoming dates and those are at, I will be

00:32:47.020 in Omaha, Nebraska coming up and that's selling pretty good. It might sell out soon. What

00:32:51.780 else do we have going on? I've got the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. That'll be December

00:32:57.900 31st and January 1st. Omaha Funny Bone, January 11th and 12th. Irvine, January 18th, 19th

00:33:05.020 and 20th back at the addison improv january 25th and 26th february 8th and 9th columbus ohio

00:33:11.460 february 22nd and 23rd houston improv march 8th the wilbur in boston march 9th the borgata

00:33:19.840 hotel and casino and march 22nd the san jose improv and um and i'm going to be coming to

00:33:29.300 australia in may so you guys have asked and been so patient and i'm very excited to be going there

00:33:36.200 it's crazy i'm gonna be going to australia so just different times man a lot of stuff on the

00:33:43.440 plateau and i'm excited about it and i'm excited i'm going home this week i'm gonna go see my

00:33:49.780 family you know see my little nieces and nephews and it's gonna be fun and just you know try and

00:33:56.100 be a part of the joy i'm gonna try to you know whatever has gone in the box of this year i'm

00:34:01.280 gonna try to finish strong and put a bow on it um you know my life has been blessed with so many

00:34:08.300 just special you know special people i've gotten to meet some special people i mean dude i was 0.99

00:34:15.340 eating cuts of fucking rare you know damn lamb medallions with damn david spades brother with 0.99

00:34:22.280 It's Joe fucking Deerte himself, dude. 1.00

00:34:25.100 Life's a yard in my bed naked. 0.99

00:34:27.920 And I'm not saying that that makes somebody special.

00:34:31.200 But I've gotten to meet a lot of wonderful people from the shows this year.

00:34:36.180 You know, I get to go home.

00:34:37.420 I get to see my family.

00:34:40.080 You know, I love my family.

00:34:44.540 You know, they love me.

00:34:45.600 and I can be part of other people's joy

00:34:54.100 I can think about

00:34:56.780 who do I know that's having a tough time

00:34:59.000 who do I know that's going through something new

00:35:01.800 who do I know that maybe

00:35:03.940 I could give a call to

00:35:06.520 that they would think

00:35:07.700 oh man it's nice that they thought of me

00:35:10.220 who do I know like that

00:35:13.220 and that's where I want to start my days at

00:35:18.800 you know I want to just

00:35:22.280 I want to start my days right there

00:35:24.380 who do I know

00:35:25.260 that

00:35:27.740 that I could

00:35:31.620 try and care about

00:35:34.260 or have a better experience with

00:35:35.880 you know who do I know

00:35:38.660 that I could help today

00:35:39.720 be it a call

00:35:40.900 an apology

00:35:41.640 Being brave

00:35:44.480 Being brave, man

00:35:47.100 Making some changes

00:35:48.180 Being brave

00:35:49.320 Telling somebody you love them is brave

00:35:52.680 Telling somebody you really

00:35:55.340 You know, hey, I'd love to spend some time with you

00:35:57.300 It's brave sometimes

00:35:58.760 Especially now

00:35:59.540 When we're out here swimming in the dark arts, man

00:36:03.700 You know what I'm saying?

00:36:06.460 Voldemort is lurking

00:36:07.660 but we have uh we have weapons we have each other

00:36:14.740 i will tell you this we'll get into some calls we had a lot of uh we had some neat calls that

00:36:22.220 came in um let me take this one right here here we go yo cio matt from wisconsin hey matt from

00:36:31.720 wisconsin and wisconsin is very um well the packers just lost to the bears i will say that dude

00:36:38.760 and i got drunk one night with um who was that guy randy travis no jim mcmahon who used to be a 0.99

00:36:47.780 quarterback for the chicago bears and i got drunk with him and he told me he used to show his asshole 0.90

00:36:52.520 to uh a friend of his and then also he was dating he was dating this little kind of i think it was 0.97

00:37:00.680 like a jewish lady like a little and she used to always kind of he said that she used to kind of 0.77

00:37:05.980 snack on his butt a little you know and that's whatever bro you know we've all been through some 1.00

00:37:11.060 stuff um but but and yeah and she had some real tits on her too i saw her but he also told me 0.99

00:37:20.680 jim mcmahon's told me that there was a oh he said one time i said well who was like kind of 0.98

00:37:26.740 who was kind of a real poise that you played with.

00:37:34.820 And he said one time Phil Simms, they were in the Pro Bowl together.

00:37:40.040 And Simms came up to him.

00:37:42.040 They both already played their quarter or whatever and came up to him

00:37:44.740 and was like, hey, Jim, if after the game you want to throw the ball around

00:37:47.860 or something on the field, you know, I'd love to do that. 1.00

00:37:50.720 And Jim was like, fuck that shit, man. 1.00

00:37:53.280 I'm going to get some dang 1.00

00:37:55.340 Pwassey, you know

00:37:56.780 But anyway

00:37:59.860 That was kind of a story that he told me

00:38:01.700 But sorry, you called from Wisconsin

00:38:03.680 Let me hear more onward

00:38:04.660 You know

00:38:06.920 I've been having some pretty deep

00:38:09.220 Deep episodes recently

00:38:11.140 And I thought I could

00:38:12.080 Like to get back and

00:38:14.420 Pick up the spirits a little bit

00:38:17.200 So I thought I'd fill you in on

00:38:18.720 A kind of funny story

00:38:21.020 Funny for everybody else but me

00:38:22.980 So I ate some Burger King.

00:38:26.240 They got that deal.

00:38:27.360 Ten nuggets for a buck.

00:38:30.120 Now I've heard of a deal before.

00:38:34.360 A deal is something where you're getting something good.

00:38:38.960 This don't seem really like a deal.

00:38:40.660 Ten nuggets for a dollar. 1.00

00:38:43.620 God damn, brother. 1.00

00:38:44.860 This sounds like a real... 1.00

00:38:46.660 This sounds like a risk.

00:38:49.160 I found out why.

00:38:51.500 See, I pooped my pants, man.

00:38:53.800 I pooped my pants real bad.

00:38:56.240 Well, don't feel ashamed of yourself, man.

00:38:58.520 People will...

00:38:59.920 Think about this.

00:39:00.700 People used to just poop themselves

00:39:02.120 before they had pants.

00:39:04.280 You'd be talking to your friend

00:39:05.320 and they might sneeze 1.00

00:39:06.200 and then just shit themselves. 1.00

00:39:09.220 So, onward. 0.99

00:39:11.040 You know, had to throw my undies away.

00:39:14.080 Been having a tough go at it recently.

00:39:16.180 I just wanted to know if, you know,

00:39:18.960 you got any advice for me.

00:39:21.500 I can never trust Burger King again.

00:39:24.440 I mean, they're a fine establishment.

00:39:25.940 I don't want to throw any shade at them.

00:39:27.760 You don't want to throw any shade, dude. 0.99

00:39:29.120 Those guys just took a dollar from you and then you shit yourself for them. 0.99

00:39:33.600 Is that business? 0.99

00:39:35.500 What kind of business do you like to get involved in, huh?

00:39:38.080 Here's an idea, dude. 1.00

00:39:39.540 Why don't you give me 40 bucks and then go cut your fucking arm off? 1.00

00:39:45.680 What a deal! 1.00

00:39:47.720 Now, man, it sounds like you got taken advantage of by the king.

00:39:50.340 and they put that guy in the king and he's you know the guy he had really small legs and wearing 0.99

00:39:56.580 a fucking cape and he's ginger you know and he honestly between me seems kind of homoerotic 0.99

00:40:02.180 and that tells you right there you eat enough burger king bro you're gonna be jerking your 1.00

00:40:07.000 buddy off in a special cape it's that kind of place i mean at least mcdonald's you know they 0.99

00:40:14.540 got all kind of scary characters they got the fucking burglar they got the big black guy uh 0.99

00:40:19.920 grimace they got um who else the uh they got the fry guys whatever those dudes are little french 0.99

00:40:29.240 guys or whatever you know um what you know whatever i think they are uh who else do they

00:40:36.760 have over there they got the handicapped girl you know in the bike or whatever on the on the

00:40:40.900 wheelchairs but dude burger king actually burger king used to have a group of kids on the bag and 0.97

00:40:48.500 One of them was in a wheelchair, one of them was on a skateboard, one of them, you know, had, you know, his eyes were in his neck, you know, back of his neck or something, all kind of wild shit. 0.96

00:40:59.540 So if you trust these people, I say, look, buy Amazon stock. 0.98

00:41:03.820 That's what I'm doing. 0.95

00:41:04.540 I ain't fucking around over there with Burger King dollar a pop. 1.00

00:41:07.900 So you could, you know, drive back to work and shit yourself, man. 1.00

00:41:12.300 You're better than that, I think. 1.00

00:41:15.000 But, you know, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.

00:41:17.860 But I will say this, happy holidays to you, man.

00:41:21.360 And if you want, dude, hit up MeUndies, bro.

00:41:23.760 MeUndies.com slash weekend, dude.

00:41:26.060 They got those deals, bro.

00:41:27.900 Get you a pair of 15% off that first pair.

00:41:32.140 Let's take some other calls.

00:41:33.400 Oh, I'll tell you guys this, too, real fast.

00:41:36.180 If you want to know, you know, everybody knows I've had part of my hair redone, reinstalled.

00:41:43.780 I got part of my mullet taken out.

00:41:46.540 And I wish I wouldn't have called it a mullet because I don't like calling a mullet.

00:41:49.860 It's really just long hair in the back.

00:41:51.800 But I got part of that taken out and put in the front.

00:41:54.740 And this is probably a year ago.

00:41:58.660 And so I want to tell you that I know about hair and I care about hair.

00:42:03.420 I'm a hair bear.

00:42:04.960 And when it comes to hair, your confidence is important.

00:42:08.560 Your confidence is important.

00:42:10.020 I mean, your hair, sometimes it's just, it's like a patch of confidence.

00:42:13.940 And sometimes one change can make all the difference.

00:42:17.220 And Hair Club knows this.

00:42:19.780 And they're inviting you to become part of the Hair Club family

00:42:22.800 to see how getting the most out of your hair can change your life.

00:42:26.800 Think about your life right now.

00:42:28.560 Think about your changed life. 1.00

00:42:30.940 That's Hair Club.

00:42:32.080 Hair Club is the leader in total hair solutions

00:42:34.560 with a legacy of success for over 40 years.

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00:42:58.680 Your hair is important.

00:43:00.200 You know, you want to take care of it.

00:43:03.020 See for yourself just how powerful great hair can be.

00:43:05.760 Go to HairClub.com slash Theo today for a free hair analysis.

00:43:11.260 That's free, man.

00:43:12.760 And a free take-home hair kit, all valued at over $300.

00:43:18.160 That's HairClub.com slash Theo for a free hair analysis and free hair care kit.

00:43:25.460 HairClub.com slash Theo.

00:43:28.880 I support them.

00:43:29.860 you know they'll give you insights as to what is currently going on in the whole hair universe

00:43:36.320 and how you can uh you know so you can best know how to proceed because some people you go straight 0.97

00:43:42.240 to a hair place they're like oh dude you know we're gonna saw off the bottom half of a fucking 0.99

00:43:47.440 raccoon's back you know their skin and put it on the back of your head and you're like oh fuck yeah 1.00

00:43:53.240 You know, coon me down, brother. 1.00

00:43:55.740 But that's not the case. 0.97

00:43:58.960 That's not a safe solution. 1.00

00:44:00.740 You can't hammer two fucking lemurs to the back of your head 1.00

00:44:03.480 and say suddenly that you're looking stylish. 1.00

00:44:07.760 So go to hairclub.com slash Theo today for a free hair analysis

00:44:12.100 and a free take-home hair kit, all valued at over $300.

00:44:17.000 Well, experience your hair and your life at its best, only with Hair Club.

00:44:20.280 I'm certain you'll love the club

00:44:22.760 I forgot to tell you guys

00:44:24.440 I went to Harlan Williams

00:44:26.980 oh hey buddy

00:44:28.520 you remember him

00:44:29.700 Harlan Williams is a friend of mine a comedian

00:44:32.420 and he was in the movie

00:44:33.620 I feel like I'm name dropping this whole episode

00:44:36.040 but he invited me to his Christmas party

00:44:38.160 and he was in the movie

00:44:41.220 what is it

00:44:44.040 not dancing with wolves

00:44:46.000 it was

00:44:46.560 oh

00:44:48.240 So, honey, I shrunk, no, honey, I shrunk, no. 0.93

00:44:52.860 There's something about Mary's.

00:44:55.360 There's something about Mary's.

00:44:56.880 And I'll say this about Mary's, dude.

00:44:58.440 I dated a couple in high school, and I'll say this. 1.00

00:45:00.940 They give some real decent blowjobs. 1.00

00:45:04.300 That's one thing about Mary's. 1.00

00:45:05.760 I don't know about what the other stuff is.

00:45:09.320 But, so I went there, and it's fun, man.

00:45:12.520 Harlins knows how to throw a good party because everybody brings a 99-cent gift.

00:45:16.840 and man he lives in a fancy place it's like at the top of the hollywood hills you drive up there and

00:45:25.980 he said damn near who lived by him um jodesy lived by him raven that's so raven you know the bird

00:45:35.180 woman who was in you know bill cosby's you know part when he was a doctor and yeah and we had a 0.58

00:45:45.440 good time. But I accidentally started a fire. I was in the kitchen and they had a man who was

00:45:50.040 drinking because he got to spend time away from his wife and kids for a night. And so he was

00:45:56.020 getting alcohol and he was drinking a bunch of wine and his teeth was turning gray. And this

00:46:02.240 man, apparently he worked as Kermit the Frog's voice. He did Kermit the Frog's voice on different

00:46:08.820 films or something. He kept talking to me, talking, talking. And I was trying to kind of lean. I was

00:46:15.180 happy to listen but i was always i was also trying to just you know be a part of the scene

00:46:20.040 and he was talking i think he might have just been kind of nervous and i was kind of i was a

00:46:23.800 little bit lonesome i didn't know anybody really there so you know it was enjoyable but he kept

00:46:29.740 talking so i was leaning on the fire on the hose on the little thing that starts the stove the

00:46:35.600 igniter and dude harlan had about 30 pizzas on the stove in the boxes dominoes next thing you know

00:46:43.740 bro i guess i hit the light thing and it lit up and some guy pushed me kind of out of the way

00:46:51.380 and he really became a real um savior he became a savior and i wasn't being a savior i was just being 0.99

00:46:58.540 somebody that started a fucking fire i guess but you know i don't know they say when you know shit 0.99

00:47:05.120 hits the fan you learn who you are you know you're either somebody that's throwing more shit at the 0.99

00:47:10.080 fan or you're a diaper you're somebody that helps the situation and i think i think i was just kind 0.99

00:47:15.940 of neither one i just didn't i mean i cared but also it was just like fuck man let's add some 0.99

00:47:21.180 fire to this bitch son you know because when you don't drink and do drugs sometimes you start 1.00

00:47:25.180 looking for the devil and you want to see sometimes you want to see the dark arts boy 1.00

00:47:29.440 sometimes i start valda morton baby um but thanks for calling man take care of yourself if you bought 0.99

00:47:36.520 nuggets at that price bruh i think you shitting yourself is the least of your worries um we had 0.97

00:47:43.860 some calls that came in last week that were regarding you know there was a teacher who was 0.99

00:47:47.500 texting people for sex who was texting children for sex women teacher a female and dude i would 1.00

00:47:54.300 give anything and go back in time dude if miss gara fowler from my junior high school or whatever 1.00

00:48:00.960 would even even today if she just sent me a ceramic you know mold of one of her tits boy I'd 0.99

00:48:07.680 fucking my god son I'd hide my head in the sand and play with myself you know but but uh but now 1.00

00:48:18.440 teachers are sending pictures and everything and you guys had some calls and responses your 0.99

00:48:22.800 thoughts on that because I wanted to get what you guys thought as always the hotline is 985-664-9503

00:48:29.840 and you can be a part of what's going on here here we go hey what's up theo hey this is reverend

00:48:36.640 al fresh from denver colorado reverend al fresh thank you for calling from denver

00:48:43.500 in denver if you if you you know a lot of uh dateline episodes they hide bodies outside of

00:48:50.980 denver onward hey man i just wanted to let you know i had an answer to your question about what's

00:48:56.700 going on with the teachers and the kids okay thank you for this onward it's pretty simple man you know

00:49:02.420 right now men aren't allowed to be men evolutionary psychology has women looking for alpha males now

00:49:09.220 i'm not saying children are alpha males but when they're in that environment they're around children

00:49:14.340 that are allowed to be who they are you know and these little these young men are the alpha males

00:49:20.440 of their environment and that triggers something in the women but you know these teachers that

00:49:24.980 aren't finding that grown men these days because grown men ain't allowed to be be men you know

00:49:30.300 they're not allowed to be the alpha males anymore wow it's interesting take i appreciate you hitting

00:49:36.820 the hotline with that thought you know there certainly is a very clear hierarchy in high

00:49:44.060 school of who are the you know the jocks the cheerleaders the you know the scientists the

00:49:51.120 kid selling you know selling weed the kid um you know wearing you know wearing uh you know the kid 0.99

00:50:01.720 wearing like different costumes and shit to school and capes they always have some fucking kid wearing 0.99

00:50:08.180 a cape and shit um yeah there's certainly a hierarchy that's very evident and yeah i guess 0.99

00:50:15.540 i could see that you know whereas like you get a little bit outside of high school when suddenly 0.96

00:50:20.760 you can't if you're not playing football or a sport you can't even there's nothing really to

00:50:25.420 prove that you're a man that much anymore that is that mainstream media is glorifying for sure 1.00

00:50:31.820 you know if you're a hunter you're they you know may they say you're a piece of shit if you're 1.00

00:50:37.680 you know if you're just want to have a wife that stays at home they say you're like a slave owner 1.00

00:50:43.740 You know, if you just, you know, there's no, there's, yeah, there's a man can't spank his kids anymore without going to jail.

00:50:54.620 It's tough, I guess.

00:50:55.800 That's interesting that maybe in the school system, these teachers, they see, oh, wow. 1.00

00:51:02.040 You know, little Sherman over there got two trophies from the track meet and all the bitches love him. 1.00

00:51:10.660 I bet he would be something special for me. 1.00

00:51:13.740 that's interesting interesting take thank you for hitting the hotline with that

00:51:17.740 uh let's take another call here we go what's up yo this taj uh y'all i'm driving uber in boston

00:51:24.660 right now what's up taj from uber taj out there on the mean streets on work you were talking about

00:51:32.780 why teachers are getting with students now more than ever and you know what man we're all more 0.77

00:51:37.780 sexual than ever all of us are more sexual than ever man these hot mama teachers they can have

00:51:44.180 the hottest dude in school now these teachers they go over the line man i had some teachers 1.00

00:51:49.580 that were like 21 like these teachers are in school like two or seven years ago this chick 0.99

00:51:54.400 was swinging on the monkey bars and you know making bad decisions yeah i guess i mean you 0.98

00:52:02.820 You know, yeah, they're not that far removed from school.

00:52:06.140 Maybe they're still living vicariously out some of their school time.

00:52:09.520 They don't want to grow up.

00:52:13.180 Yeah, people, especially with the Internet,

00:52:16.480 and this is something even we noticed with the Chris Hansen episode,

00:52:19.380 is that there's this line that's like, it still feels like a safe,

00:52:23.460 it feels like a fictional area.

00:52:26.100 When I'm playing on the Internet, it doesn't feel like,

00:52:29.080 it feels like once I close my computer,

00:52:30.620 none of that is going to affect my real life.

00:52:32.640 it feels like a video game

00:52:34.080 so I'm sure a lot of these teachers

00:52:36.560 on these chat rooms and different things

00:52:38.360 maybe that's the feeling

00:52:40.640 they get oh this is just a video game

00:52:42.840 you know

00:52:43.920 I'm going to send little Jeremy over there

00:52:46.480 a picture of this slick wallet

00:52:48.080 you know 1.00

00:52:49.480 I'm going to show him the old brown eyed girl 1.00

00:52:52.160 in a fucking magic you know 1.00

00:52:54.280 snapchat 0.99

00:52:55.380 window

00:52:57.160 yeah

00:52:58.640 let's take another call that came in

00:53:00.960 hey ceo this is lance from west texas love the podcast man but uh just wanted to answer a

00:53:07.200 question you're wondering why all them teachers now are hitting on kids and young men and i think 0.99

00:53:12.680 it's because of skinny jeans you know you got a kid a guy back there with that dick hanging out 0.99

00:53:17.840 you know on that side with them skinny jeans and then teachers you know they get them pheromones 1.00

00:53:22.040 going and shit you know oh yeah oh you see a little bit yeah and teachers women they want 1.00

00:53:30.860 everybody wants to fuck something that's kind of you know youthful looking that's nature 1.00

00:53:36.360 there's something inside of you you want to fuck something or at least for men you know you want 1.00

00:53:43.380 your you know you want to a young woman makes you think you can have a young a child the baby's 1.00

00:53:49.120 going to be healthy all of that is limbic it's inside of our brains that's in our history so 1.00

00:53:55.880 yeah man i bet maybe that's just what's starting to happen to women but that dick print i guess 1.00

00:54:02.600 you could have a special pair of pants on you got the skinny jeans dude and i had that ap that adult 1.00

00:54:09.820 penis since i was i don't even know second i saw my dick it was the same my dick been my 0.99

00:54:15.880 same size my whole life adult size like a big sneaker and i can't imagine what my teachers 1.00

00:54:24.500 thought you know even them changing my diapers at the baby center that lady must have been like 1.00

00:54:30.060 jesus christ then they usually they used to put one diaper on me and then pull my dick over to 1.00

00:54:35.240 the side out of the original diaper and put another little diaper on my dick you know and 0.99

00:54:41.040 that's just is that dark magic or is that mother nature we don't know but it's yeah i'm sure if 1.00

00:54:50.880 you're going in there and men are looking to sex you with tight pants it could influence a woman

00:54:55.040 some it's an interesting thought man i appreciate the call uh let's take one more in response to 0.70

00:55:02.900 what was happening there was a kentucky teacher who just got busted texting uh one of her uh

00:55:09.520 students and sending uh nudies and stuff like that and booty pics and you know uh you know 0.94

00:55:15.420 spread legged photos and that and titties onward hey so you lucas from austin texas hey lucas i

00:55:24.960 appreciate you reaching out here from austin and dude i was just doing some you know i was doing

00:55:30.420 yoga today and i do yoga off my off of youtube and the one i do is called yoga with adrian and

00:55:36.660 And it's usually down in Austin, Texas.

00:55:38.700 But onward? 1.00

00:55:39.620 Yeah, so right now you're talking about why these female teachers are fucking around with these children and whatnot. 1.00

00:55:46.800 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:47.660 And that's true.

00:55:48.620 So maybe, and when you say that, Lucas, even about children, you know, it makes me wonder, maybe they want children.

00:55:57.480 But they don't want to have them.

00:55:58.940 They don't want to mess their bodies up.

00:56:01.200 So they're like, oh, well, I'll just, you know, I'll have a child in my body.

00:56:05.480 but just for a little bit just with sex and not with you know gestation onward why is it up well

00:56:13.320 i think if you take a look uh i was born 88 so i'm 30 uh this generation i guess you know mine

00:56:19.920 and younger and whatnot pretty much i think they're acting like children i mean everybody's

00:56:25.080 acting like children nobody wants to have kids and uh a lot of people are building forts they're

00:56:30.480 doing forts in the living room you know a lot of child things are sticking around and i don't know

00:56:34.900 i think it's all it relates you know you're under 30 and you think you're kind of still a kid and

00:56:40.540 you see a long life ahead of you so you it blends it's weirdly blends the especially early 20s early

00:56:47.100 early 20s that's pretty much where it's at they see no age difference between them and the 16

00:56:52.980 year old 15 year old because then the 15 year old they're grown up they're they're adults they're

00:56:57.800 they know what's up already so the mentality is going up and it's meeting in the middle

00:57:01.740 Wow. Hmm. You know, when I was young, I used to ride the school bus. One time I was at school, and Dot Wall had to take me home on the bus, and somebody had told me, called me a dildo at school.

00:57:18.920 oh no some kid had said well do you know what a dildo is and i didn't know but i said i do know

00:57:25.340 what it is dude you know and then i and i didn't know and i felt ashamed and the kids made fun of

00:57:32.720 me two other boys and then when i got on the bus i called the teat the lady said something i called 0.98

00:57:38.420 her a fucking dildo and i had to go to the principal and my principal had a brown tooth dude so 0.99

00:57:45.160 you know great guy but at the same time i'm like fuck man you know brush your teeth a little 1.00

00:57:53.180 you know maybe somebody paddled this dude riding in the tooth but anyway i you know sometimes you 1.00

00:58:00.740 know uh fuck i don't even know what i'm talking about but i'll say this man is that 0.98

00:58:05.920 i think there's something to that nobody people don't want to grow up now 0.98

00:58:11.100 and there's this fictional there's this world online this fictional universe even with video

00:58:16.360 games and um you know avatars and all that where it's all you can co-mingle you can dude i've had

00:58:23.220 people send me a message on instagram that are underage women and gay young men say what you 0.99

00:58:31.420 know trying to holler at me and i say what the fuck i say look i can't i can't even communicate 0.99

00:58:38.460 with you even in any facet there's no there's no hello there's no you know you know suggestions 0.97

00:58:47.140 for young there's none of that you know i'm not playing in that universe

00:58:52.880 but yeah man i i could see that i could see how people get

00:58:59.800 you know why not it's just a it's an online world where anything can happen

00:59:05.960 and then I think also

00:59:08.000 if maybe if parents aren't able

00:59:09.660 to parent their kids as much

00:59:11.080 fathers aren't able to be fathers as much 1.00

00:59:13.700 then these young women

00:59:15.120 they don't look at older men

00:59:16.680 maybe as fathers

00:59:17.560 so you have

00:59:19.920 or you know

00:59:21.020 like or vice versa

00:59:21.980 it's like you see

00:59:22.920 you know everybody

00:59:25.040 yeah it just kind of all blends together

00:59:26.740 and especially more that online universe

00:59:29.700 that's what I'm thinking

00:59:30.480 is like if you're in this

00:59:31.420 you know there's this game

00:59:32.640 people are playing Nightstar

00:59:34.100 or something

00:59:34.500 what is it

00:59:35.000 where people do make up fake characters

00:59:38.020 and they fight each other.

00:59:39.560 It's called Final Fantasy.

00:59:43.360 No, I don't know what it is.

00:59:44.300 It's huge, though.

00:59:44.840 All the kids play it.

00:59:46.320 But if you're on there,

00:59:47.260 as long as your avatar looks decent, 1.00

00:59:50.780 and I think women want to strike back, 1.00

00:59:52.880 a lot of these bitches are like, 1.00

00:59:54.160 they want to go to prison. 1.00

00:59:56.160 Snapped. 1.00

00:59:57.480 A lot of wild women, 1.00

00:59:59.360 they just want to be on an episode of Snapped. 1.00

01:00:01.600 That's their dream.

01:00:05.000 You know, I just want to, you know, Eileen Wuornos.

01:00:10.320 Remember her?

01:00:10.920 She was the one who was dating that little boy, Shally Cash Vili or whatever out of Hawaii.

01:00:17.780 And dude, that was the only one you ever heard of when I was growing up. 0.71

01:00:21.880 These, you know, a senior citizen woman. 0.82

01:00:25.040 And now here you have real, it's popular every day. 1.00

01:00:29.680 It makes you want to find a damn time machine. 0.98

01:00:31.920 Boy, I go back in school. 0.99

01:00:33.180 I wear cologne every day.

01:00:35.000 I'd be stuffing my pants

01:00:38.160 with a couple of tube socks

01:00:40.720 the long ones

01:00:42.220 not them little ankle ones

01:00:43.500 that's the weirdest guy 0.91

01:00:46.100 somebody who stuffs their pants

01:00:48.380 with socks and does it with an ankle sock 1.00

01:00:50.340 you little bitch 1.00

01:00:51.540 throw a couple tubes in there 1.00

01:00:52.980 take your chances

01:00:54.180 but everybody's acting like children

01:00:57.540 maybe now

01:01:00.040 maybe if people don't have as much faith

01:01:02.520 and religion and they're thinking

01:01:03.560 and there's no afterlife and stuff like that anymore,

01:01:06.720 that maybe they're just like, oh, well, let me just live here.

01:01:09.520 Let me just dance with the devil all night long.

01:01:14.520 They'd rather just live the consequences out here

01:01:16.820 because they think it doesn't matter.

01:01:18.880 Just a thought.

01:01:20.800 Different times, man.

01:01:22.340 Let's take another call here that came in.

01:01:24.100 The hotline is 985-664-9503.

01:01:28.840 And I want to say this for those of you listening to this

01:01:31.660 through the laughable iphone app we've got something really special to offer you it's a

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01:02:00.540 this episode in the episode description and front and center on its Discover recommendations.

01:02:05.920 You can't miss it.

01:02:07.140 You'll be amazed at how fast and simple it is to buy through Laughable.

01:02:11.120 Way less of a headache than going through a website.

01:02:14.920 I'm also going to have a couple of new shirts.

01:02:17.280 The Road to the Strap Goes Through the Rat.

01:02:20.260 That one will be coming out this week as well.

01:02:22.580 It won't get to you by Christmas, but it's a nice shirt.

01:02:24.980 We've been putting it together for a while.

01:02:28.080 and in the episode you can go vote too

01:02:30.900 for Fighter and the Kid

01:02:32.460 if you're a Fighter and the Kid listener

01:02:33.920 and they're having guest of the year

01:02:35.980 on the opportunity for somebody to win that strap

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01:02:44.880 with special offers

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01:02:54.540 by placing your order today

01:02:56.580 Yes, check out the Laughable app.

01:02:58.160 It's a great way to listen to any podcast I've ever been on and also to this past weekend.

01:03:04.640 But they have a new technology where if somebody talks about a product or something that they're selling, a podcaster,

01:03:11.300 then a link can be right there in that moment.

01:03:14.080 So you can go and check it out that way in real time as you listen.

01:03:19.900 Pretty cool.

01:03:21.160 I'm also on Michael Rosenbaum has a podcast, and you can check it out.

01:03:25.400 i just did an episode with him uh what is it called rosen baum and he was lex luther's uh

01:03:34.880 luther sorry inside of you is the podcast you can go check that out uh let's listen to another

01:03:40.700 couple calls that came in here um here we go what's good theo this is billy from addison texas

01:03:48.400 i work at the addison improv and i just helped you out with your merch table when you came through

01:03:54.960 and you tipped me out nicely.

01:03:56.820 I just want to say thanks for that, man.

01:03:59.040 Oh, you're welcome, Billy.

01:04:00.320 Yeah, I had a good time in Addison, man.

01:04:02.680 And I'll see you there again soon in a couple of weeks.

01:04:05.600 I was a little overwhelmed, man.

01:04:06.980 It was a long day, but I'm feeling a little more relaxed now.

01:04:11.260 Onward?

01:04:12.040 Thank you.

01:04:12.580 And I also want to say I'm 241 days sober.

01:04:17.560 Wow.

01:04:19.900 Dude, that's awesome, man.

01:04:22.080 I appreciate you sharing that, man.

01:04:23.420 that made me you just made me feel so good man you know and i hate to say that i feel good because

01:04:28.500 it's not about me but you made me feel joy man you just in one second bro you made me feel joy

01:04:35.180 that's crazy um and not not joy for me but i feel just joy for you you know because that's a confident

01:04:42.460 thing to say man onward you've helped me stay sober just hearing about your story and your

01:04:48.000 journey and all that man i appreciate it not to be a debbie downer but my mom died when i was one

01:04:53.280 So, I can relate to some of the things you mentioned about having intimacy issues and all that.

01:04:58.440 I mean, although it's unfortunate, it's just dope to hear that someone else deals with similar issues, man.

01:05:03.460 So, keep doing what you're doing, and I'll see you in January, dude.

01:05:08.100 Gang, gang.

01:05:09.200 Gang, gang, man.

01:05:11.580 Well, I'm sorry to hear about your mother, dude.

01:05:13.260 That makes me feel kind of sad, you know.

01:05:16.060 But I'll tell you this.

01:05:17.080 I do remember meeting you.

01:05:18.880 Short-haired guy, white guy.

01:05:21.200 And I bet she'd be really proud of you, dude.

01:05:24.260 You know, I bet she'd be proud of your sobriety.

01:05:25.960 I bet she'd be proud of, you know, you're a handsome young guy, I thought. 1.00

01:05:31.440 No homo, bruh. 1.00

01:05:32.480 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:05:33.160 I'm still chasing, you know, females and that. 1.00

01:05:36.740 Struggling to do it, but that's what I'm doing.

01:05:40.080 But I bet she'd be really, really proud of you, dude.

01:05:42.700 You know, she obviously created a very nice young man.

01:05:48.140 and uh and i'm sure you'll see her again one day and she can let you know just how proud of you 0.96

01:05:53.900 she is but thanks man fuck i now have to pay you better next time you help out with the merch man 0.98

01:06:00.080 damn you really put me on the spot there boy you really put me on the spot but i might bring one 0.99

01:06:06.140 of them lollies bro one of them face lollies if we got any seniors out there we can heat them up 0.98

01:06:10.400 in the crowd um but merry christmas to you man and uh and thank you for helping and thank you

01:06:17.160 for that call it was just a nice thing for you to do you didn't have to call and say that and you

01:06:20.140 did uh onward let's take another call here here we go what's up for y'all my name is ryan calling

01:06:27.440 from atlanta georgia i was just not done listening to your attachment theory podcast hey ryan from

01:06:33.900 atlanta thank you for calling in brother um onward and how you were saying that you uh wanted to add

01:06:40.540 a little bit more diversity uh for example uh you know black artists and things of that nature 0.82

01:06:45.020 and they never hit that you know i'm a black i'm black you know i really think it doesn't matter

01:06:52.140 you just keep doing your thing man you shouldn't have to satisfy everybody's opinions on whether

01:06:58.060 or not your podcast is diverse or whatnot to do do you you know and you know if the opportunity

01:07:04.660 does come where you know you get you know more black people or whatever race on your um podcast

01:07:11.380 then that's cool you know and the comment that you said about uh being afraid of black people

01:07:17.500 you know i wouldn't blame you especially at the fact that you know you uh grew up in louisiana 1.00

01:07:22.740 you know there's a lot of black people there and um they would jump jump you and beat you up shit 0.99

01:07:27.700 i would be afraid too you know so just be honest always be honest you know you know people just 0.99

01:07:34.660 don't want to be honest and everybody obviously in this culture is offended about everything

01:07:39.980 that's pretty much all i want to say just keep doing what you're doing i

01:07:43.060 enjoy your podcast um it gets me through my work day you are hilarious and clever

01:07:48.180 so like i said keep doing your thing man love you

01:07:51.000 well thanks for the message man that's nice of you to say um

01:07:55.280 i appreciate it you know that's nice of you to say some of those things i

01:07:59.840 appreciate you listening to the podcast um yeah sometimes i guess i do feel

01:08:05.640 So, yeah, I guess, I mean, I don't like forced diversity either, you know, but I do feel, I don't know, it's crazy.

01:08:14.280 Like, I don't want to be somebody who doesn't offer opportunities to, you know, my black friends or black entertainers, you know, or, you know, I don't know.

01:08:30.120 I appreciate you saying the be honest part, you know.

01:08:32.000 I mean, there's times like where, you know, when people started really looking, especially at race, like in Hollywood and like in the past two years, there's been like a lot of, you know, a lot of stuff about race, a lot of conversation about it.

01:08:45.740 And I talk about it a lot.

01:08:49.540 But it did make me start to think like what some of my circles are like.

01:08:53.680 and you know if I do have prejudices or I do have feet you know like I have you know leftover fears

01:09:02.060 from experiences when I was young with black kids or you know being afraid I guess I think

01:09:09.040 I was probably afraid of everything you know and I guess sometimes I you know I wish that I could be

01:09:17.560 you know well it just made me think like if i want to have more of an experience with black

01:09:26.600 people in my life then i have to at least try and make more efforts in that space it made me think

01:09:33.580 like oh wow usually when i have a comedy show like i'll put some black friends on it here and

01:09:37.500 there it doesn't matter i don't think like oh i gotta have a black guy on the show but sometimes

01:09:41.480 i'll ask some of my comedian friends who are great comedians who happen to be different you know race

01:09:46.820 or ethnicity than me or gender even to be on my shows um but it made me think oh sometime you know

01:09:54.020 I could probably take uh an opener with me on the road that is a black guy and because um

01:10:01.400 I could help a little bit in some way by putting more money and opportunity into the black community

01:10:10.940 and I and I don't mean that in a way like I have any power control or anything like that I just

01:10:16.380 minute in the simple way that like oh wow the openers that i've always taken have always been

01:10:21.640 like for like a full weekend have always been a white guy i think one time i took a um uh

01:10:27.760 well i guess i don't know but it just made me i guess it made me think well i could be a little

01:10:33.480 bit more conscious of thinking like well i do know that in the history of time in america that

01:10:41.120 black people have had less financial support and have had a tough road and what can i do sometime

01:10:52.600 not in a way where it's like oh look at me watch me help or watch me do this but what is a way that

01:10:58.260 i could you know just try and be um more a part of the solution of like well let me give let me

01:11:07.180 at least try and be more conscious of the fact

01:11:10.160 that if I have some opportunities

01:11:11.980 to just be more conscious of the fact

01:11:17.640 that I could give them to black friends

01:11:20.980 and black comedians, I guess.

01:11:24.400 So I don't know.

01:11:25.140 I guess some of the stuff,

01:11:25.860 I don't know what I'm talking about a little.

01:11:28.700 But it's made me a little bit more conscious, man,

01:11:32.220 just the past couple years.

01:11:33.680 It's made me think, dude,

01:11:34.900 there's times where it's like, am I racist?

01:11:37.180 you know there's definitely i know you know i'd always say no like i always would be like oh i

01:11:43.680 have you know i have black friends i have black comedian friends you know i work with i don't 0.75

01:11:48.680 ever you know like be like oh i'm not i don't want to be around these people because they're black or

01:11:54.500 i don't have any but it does make it did make me think more about like what fears do i have what

01:11:59.320 like stereotypes and prejudices and in some places they're different man it's so it's so crazy like 0.98

01:12:05.520 in los andos i don't have as much fear and stuff when i see black kids out here black people out

01:12:11.860 here black friends out here in new orleans it's it's just scarier sometimes and i guess it's just 0.98

01:12:20.520 because there are some areas and just like there are white areas dude there's white areas where

01:12:24.180 it's like man when i go out in some of those areas like you know i feel scared you know when i get

01:12:32.260 into some real severe areas of like,

01:12:36.600 I don't want to say, 1.00

01:12:37.820 I guess, yeah, like redneck type shit, you know? 1.00

01:12:41.320 Like real, that shit makes me scared. 1.00

01:12:45.880 And I guess actually some of that feeling 0.99

01:12:47.840 is kind of, I guess, the same really.

01:12:50.620 It's just,

01:12:52.540 it makes me feel like there's just

01:12:56.120 more of a sense of carelessness around.

01:12:58.060 um and but yeah i mean i think one thing that i've noticed that has been good about the past

01:13:06.900 few years of people talking more about race and thinking more about it is that it makes me

01:13:12.000 honestly think about it it keeps it on the forefront of my mind um and it makes me sad

01:13:18.200 to think that like i you know i grew up with kids who you know i wish that they would have more

01:13:22.720 opportunity you know it makes me sad you know they had this one kid devon he was a good friend

01:13:28.540 of mine growing up and he we used to have fun together and we ride our bikes and we would you

01:13:33.320 know go eat you know we go get plums and stuff from the amp and eat them and you know get like

01:13:39.440 fishing meat and go do fishing and uh and he all you know he always made i don't know i think we're

01:13:49.680 kind of the same a little bit in our own um i don't know we just had some i guess i don't know

01:13:57.380 what i guess we're just friends and and he ended up he got convicted of murder he tried to murder

01:14:04.320 somebody a couple years ago and went to jail for it i think he did actually was in a group of people

01:14:08.160 that murdered somebody and and like the green something hotel outside of covington louisiana

01:14:13.140 and uh and it just makes me wonder you know it was sad a lot of black kids did not have a lot of

01:14:19.620 infrastructure around them when I was

01:14:22.260 young you know

01:14:24.060 but now

01:14:27.040 you know but I appreciate you saying that that you know about 0.94

01:14:30.260 forced diversity 0.99

01:14:31.180 and then

01:14:34.300 it's interesting because a lot of black shows

01:14:36.140 don't include it you know it seems like

01:14:38.180 that yeah

01:14:40.180 the forced diversity thing isn't helpful even 1.00

01:14:42.140 though I would love to see some straight up 1.00

01:14:44.260 real vatos and fucking Mexicanos 1.00

01:14:46.620 in the NBA dog 1.00

01:14:48.040 come on you telling me the Lakers got all these fans bro and they don't have one dude named 0.99

01:14:53.480 Umberto fucking shooting six pointers from half court wearing fucking dickies every game bro come 0.99

01:14:59.720 on papa um but now I appreciate you saying that I appreciate you saying about being honest man 1.00

01:15:10.200 sometimes I just need to hear that and just feel okay with you know trying to figure out who I am

01:15:15.580 as I talk because I don't you know I want to be I mean one thing that has been nice and when I

01:15:24.720 in my life when I think about white privileges I've had the privilege of seeing a lot more black

01:15:31.100 opportunity in my lifetime you know you know when I see some kids start to make it and young dudes

01:15:37.540 and they're black guys and and not in a selfish way but man it makes me feel good you know because

01:15:43.600 i didn't see that growing up you know they had dude they had kids you know i mean you had the 0.98

01:15:49.520 dude they had one dude fucking janitor johnson i told about the dude last week the dude they 0.96

01:15:53.660 named him fucking janitor maybe his parents just knew like i'm making sure he gets employed here 0.96

01:15:59.080 locally but there wasn't as much opportunity you know and now there is more and some of the stuff 0.98

01:16:06.620 that we deal with in america some of it's just going to take time you know you need a couple

01:16:10.960 more generations but i think that you know donnell rollins said it well that we're getting

01:16:16.200 out of i think this excuse culture where people want to be just excuse babies you know and sit

01:16:21.080 around and because if they want to do that that's their life man go have that life if that's what

01:16:26.520 you want you know no matter what who you are uh but yeah but anyway man i appreciate the uh the

01:16:35.680 call i'm sorry i had a such a long diatribe on that um but you know it's nice of you to call

01:16:42.580 because sometimes i think you know i get sometimes i think well what and sometimes i do think it's

01:16:48.920 like you know that a black a white person could never really know what it's like to

01:16:54.060 live in a black environment and grow up in a black in america you know you could never really know 0.93

01:16:59.540 you could never really know and it fucking looks fun bruh dude i've had two friends in new orleans 0.99

01:17:05.920 black friends that were killed by other black men over the past 20 years and and i'm not saying 0.98

01:17:12.580 that's fun i'm not saying that's good but dude getting being white gets a little boring there's 0.97

01:17:18.000 no there's not i mean there's guns but there's not you know there's not as many you're not as fast 0.94

01:17:22.620 you don't get to do as many sports as fun you can't fucking dunk as well you can't be in the 0.98

01:17:27.680 band as good you know you don't get to play that big drum you got to play the fucking little 0.99

01:17:31.760 clarinet like dude i think black people right now have so have such a great opportunity in america 0.99

01:17:38.860 it seems like but fuck do i know bruh but thanks for listening man and thanks for calling in i 0.96

01:17:45.660 appreciate it the hotline as always is 985-664-9503 uh we have this right here that i want to tell you 0.95

01:17:55.820 about it's the smart setup guide business building 101 and there's a man named martin who does all

01:18:03.260 of uh who handles all of my social media and has helped um really transform some of my and has

01:18:11.300 helped some of my business ideas become realities and if you own a business or thinking about

01:18:16.080 starting one or have a friend or family member that is this course is 100 absolutely for you

01:18:21.900 It's easy to understand, easy to implement online video course.

01:18:26.600 It breaks down need-to-know information that will save you massive amounts of time, money, and energy building your business.

01:18:34.320 In just 2.5 hours, you will develop a pro-level understanding of how logo design and brand identity can make or break your business,

01:18:43.140 the best way to build your website and online store, how to outrank your competition on Google,

01:18:48.600 social media marketing and how to secure new clients and maintain them long term the course

01:18:55.360 is created by martin o'neill owner of drastic graphics who has over a decade's worth of

01:19:00.060 experience working with some of the biggest brands joe rogan uh this past weekend fighter

01:19:04.900 and the kid it's a perfect holiday gift for entrepreneur business owner or ambitious person

01:19:10.300 that you know or yourself for the month of december get a 30 discount visit smart setup guide

01:19:17.820 smartsetupguide.com and use code Theo at checkout. That is smartsetupguide.com and use code Theo

01:19:25.760 at checkout. And that is a real deal, man. I think that thing is a real deal. It's like six videos.

01:19:32.020 It's two and a half hours of information. It's tutorials. Martin does a great job.

01:19:38.220 Let's take another call here. Here we go. Hey Theo, what's up? This is Thomas. I've been

01:19:44.080 listening to your podcast for like probably around a year now i just uh was listening to you talking

01:19:50.320 about uh possibly not doing guest spots anymore and i just wanted to say that i i personally in

01:19:58.080 the guests your guest interviews and are my favorite part i just think you're putting a

01:20:02.160 little too much pressure on yourself to be a interviewer when all anybody really wants well

01:20:08.820 at least all i want to see and i think other people want to see is just your personality

01:20:13.480 meeting someone else is not necessarily an interview ah wow man i appreciate that thank

01:20:23.480 you for that yeah sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing with it you know it's hard to be

01:20:29.260 like it's exciting to talk to some of these people but it's hard because i want to

01:20:33.460 you know i want to engage i want to be i want to care about what i'm talking about i want to be

01:20:39.820 engaged with them you know i guess maybe i should think about it a little bit more

01:20:44.340 but thank you for saying that yeah i mentioned last episode that i was thinking about not having

01:20:48.900 guests or maybe just doing them occasionally and i think i am going to uh to at least get down to

01:20:55.240 doing them occasionally um or not every week especially with king and the sting starting up

01:21:00.700 but some of it also is just a stress man i've been feeling so stressed and uh and i've been

01:21:07.200 trying to relax more and take a little bit better care of myself and i feel like i'm starting to 0.92

01:21:12.120 and so i'm hoping that i'm gonna start feeling a little bit better like a little damn 0.98

01:21:15.620 you know just like a newborn little fucking baby lion uh but thank you for that let's take another 0.98

01:21:22.100 call this is about guests as well it says hey theo it's brandon from ellensburg washington 0.99

01:21:27.720 i'm here with my one-year-old son oh you got a damn one-year-old huh hell yeah boy that thing 0.89

01:21:34.100 still got a little bit of scent on him you know what i'm saying right my buddy dude i'll say this 0.99

01:21:39.540 it's kind of vulgar but he had a newborn baby and it still smelled enough like the old you know what

01:21:46.380 i'm saying hoo-ha he used to kind of you know he'd get a couple hits of the baby and then you know

01:21:53.040 run out of the baby's room and rub one out in the restroom by himself nothing crazy you know but

01:22:02.140 so you know different people do different stuff let's hear more

01:22:08.700 this is your podcast every monday and wednesday morning but i wanted to tell you that i'm all in

01:22:14.000 for you doing less guests i love the guests you have on you have good guests you interview them 0.95

01:22:18.220 well but we enjoy the individual podcast a lot more uh you talk about some good shit 0.60

01:22:23.820 so you know what i have mine you know what i have why gang gang man thank you for calling in and 0.81

01:22:32.020 congratulations this might be your baby's first christmas i'm not sure second christmas coming up

01:22:36.180 but uh i hope that's warm to you guys and you get to spend time with your loved one there

01:22:41.120 um all right let's take another uh we got another call right here this is uh this says it's humorous

01:22:48.820 hey man i was calling about one of the best or worst weekends uh this is only saturday at 1 a.m

01:22:55.640 right now and it's definitely gonna be one of the lowest points i thought i would just call you

01:22:59.240 because i had to have someone to call man okay thank you for calling we'll get into your emergency

01:23:03.380 right now now the best or worst weekend we're getting back into that if you have a best or 0.91

01:23:07.200 worst weekend that occurred for you and don't give us no bullshit weekend you know like your 0.56

01:23:12.560 nephew you know got a rash or something like that or somebody won a couple of dollars at the track 0.99

01:23:18.520 or whatever or you guys fucking been you know watching videos of bishans online or whatever 0.92

01:23:24.880 make sure it's something legitimate 0.94

01:23:26.860 and you can always leave those

01:23:29.320 on the hotline

01:23:30.040 985-664-9503

01:23:32.640 onward

01:23:33.100 I was just at Waffle House

01:23:35.900 I go there all the time 0.99

01:23:37.260 oh damn I love Waffle House 0.99

01:23:39.080 bruh 0.99

01:23:39.460 they have raisin bread 1.00

01:23:41.260 how in the fuck more people 0.99

01:23:43.260 don't have raisin bread man 0.99

01:23:45.780 what a crazy person thought of that dude

01:23:49.280 you know what I'm saying 1.00

01:23:49.960 somebody must have been on some fucking 1.00

01:23:51.240 dope or weed or just acid 1.00

01:23:53.160 or something or some fruit acid

01:23:54.780 because they're sitting around some bread

01:23:57.240 and they're like, hey, guess what? 1.00

01:23:59.860 I'm going to hide some fucking raisins in this bitch. 1.00

01:24:04.160 I mean, wow. 1.00

01:24:05.700 People are amazing.

01:24:06.700 Let's hear more. 0.67

01:24:07.740 The cooks know my order.

01:24:09.740 Okay, so you a regular.

01:24:11.500 You a Waffle House regular, bro.

01:24:13.800 More?

01:24:14.440 And the cook in there, he's kind of a sketchy dude.

01:24:16.420 We all smoke a little pot,

01:24:17.740 but I think he's doing a little extra,

01:24:19.160 a little extra of the dark magic and whatnot.

01:24:23.240 oh he might be on that simple syrup you know what i'm saying or that simpleton scissor 0.96

01:24:27.880 he might be on that straight fucking cocaine man i worked at a place one time the dude did 1.00

01:24:33.280 so much cocaine he it he did more than his paycheck like what the fuck dude you got to 1.00

01:24:40.540 do a little less than your paycheck you got to save 40 to eat during the week you know get you 0.99

01:24:45.220 a couple of, you know,

01:24:46.600 Gay Station hot dogs.

01:24:49.180 More? 0.65

01:24:50.120 And, man, a police officer

01:24:52.300 came rolling into the parking lot

01:24:54.180 and I gave him a little courtesy whistle

01:24:56.040 because he was out at his car,

01:24:57.760 obviously up to no good.

01:24:59.440 And I didn't know that the police officer's window was down.

01:25:02.520 And so he directly drove over there

01:25:04.420 as a consequence to me whistling

01:25:05.980 and then relayed that information to the gentleman

01:25:08.660 that he'd been arrested for two ounces of marijuana.

01:25:11.980 I know I can never go back to that Waffle House again, man.

01:25:14.740 yeah i wouldn't recommend going back i'd find another waffle house or i'd find a huddle house 1.00

01:25:19.020 or i'd just find a bad bitch that don't mind using a little bit of uh you know that don't 1.00

01:25:24.540 mind heating up that griddle around midnight but yeah man i mean you owe them an apology i would 1.00

01:25:30.340 see if you could you know contribute to the court costs or something give them 150 gift certificate 0.99

01:25:35.660 maybe the dick sporting goods or something it sounds like there might be a dicks around you 0.99

01:25:40.580 you know, a dick sporting goods around you guys. 1.00

01:25:44.100 Usually there's, if a Waffle House, 0.99

01:25:45.660 they got a dick sporting goods within about 10 miles. 1.00

01:25:49.440 Um, fuck, man. 1.00

01:25:52.040 Yeah, you fucked up. 1.00

01:25:52.960 You snitching. 1.00

01:25:53.520 At least you didn't eat fucking 10 nuggets for a dollar 1.00

01:25:55.580 and shit yourself, bro. 1.00

01:25:57.420 The guy also, if he's going to smoke dope, 1.00

01:25:59.480 he should do it in a, you know, more of a regulated area. 0.99

01:26:03.420 You know, I mean, he could probably fucking vape 0.96

01:26:06.940 right over by the grill 1.00

01:26:07.900 and just blow the shit into the fucking grilled cheeses. 1.00

01:26:11.400 So I think it's 50-50. 1.00

01:26:13.540 I think you have some responsibility because you tried to intervene.

01:26:17.340 You tried to help.

01:26:18.020 If you didn't do anything, maybe he would still be capable, you know, and still living or outside of jail. 1.00

01:26:24.980 But he's two ounces of fucking weed. 1.00

01:26:27.200 Damn. 1.00

01:26:29.080 Dude, I rolled in a wolf house one time and tried to get him to start a softball team at night. 1.00

01:26:33.780 And one of the fucking assistant managers beat my ass. 1.00

01:26:37.660 So, you know, sometimes those people are up for, you know, new ideas and sometimes they aren't. 1.00

01:26:44.820 All right.

01:26:45.300 Let's take another call.

01:26:46.740 Onward.

01:26:47.500 But good luck, man.

01:26:48.360 And thank you for calling to get it off your chest.

01:26:50.320 As always, the hotline is a place you can get something off your chest.

01:26:53.640 985-664-9503.

01:27:00.680 Let's hear a call that came in.

01:27:02.600 Worst weekend, actually.

01:27:03.920 Onward.

01:27:04.500 And I just don't know what to do.

01:27:05.960 All right.

01:27:06.480 Okay, sorry, this isn't a worst weekend.

01:27:11.340 This says sexting.

01:27:13.400 Okay, onward.

01:27:15.080 All right, so I'm 23. 0.99

01:27:17.760 I'm fucking a 39-year-old. 1.00

01:27:21.300 Oh, you, damn. 1.00

01:27:23.300 You should go back to high school then, man. 1.00

01:27:25.220 That's what it sounds like more.

01:27:27.640 She's got a husband, but he had a horrible accident. 0.99

01:27:31.720 I know it sounds fucked up, but he is recovering from being paralyzed, and they have not fucked in years, and now she's sexting me and wants to fuck me, but she lives in Fort Lauderdale, and I live in fucking Tampa, so it's a little bit of a problem. 0.99

01:27:48.240 And am I in the longs for fucking her? No, right, because, I mean, the dude has a limp dick. That's not my fault. I mean, I just met her on a plane, and now she wants to fuck me, and I didn't even ask for her number. 1.00

01:27:57.900 it well you didn't ask for her number that's true but you have some part in it you know i engaged one 1.00

01:28:06.900 time with this lady this about 13 years ago and i think we ended up making love in the hotel room

01:28:11.760 really quickly because i'm that type of dude i make love really quickly bro some people's around 0.97

01:28:17.200 are milling around in the cooter and all of that dude i'm out i'm out bro i think my dick has sleep 0.91

01:28:24.100 apnea or something you know or um what is it called when you just fall asleep when you don't 0.98

01:28:29.020 know what's going on um i think it's just sheer ignorance or something no it's uh

01:28:36.740 pierre fiverr had it our old librarian had it just uh not cystic um you know you're just talking 0.96

01:28:45.580 to somebody and they fucking suddenly they one of the seven dwarfs they the sleepy one 0.99

01:28:49.260 and they just nod out you're like damn fucking gerald don't give a damn what i'm talking about 0.99

01:28:54.600 uh but anyway dude if you do have some part you're communicating with you you can't blame 0.99

01:29:00.420 it all on the woman you sat next to her right you guys ain't now you know she has a paralyzed

01:29:04.900 husband you know he's lies a lot of people call that lies and when i was growing up they had this

01:29:11.040 uh dude he was always freshened up man this black guy and he had heat both of his legs he was

01:29:16.500 paraplegic and they braided his legs around each other you know his legs probably weighed about

01:29:21.260 four pounds each just a long string of bone and a little bit of skin and you know five toes on each 0.99

01:29:27.040 and they would braid them bitches kind of cornrow his legs a little bit because he was i think he 0.98

01:29:32.120 was in like a fucking gang or something but um anyway man what i'm saying is this 0.99

01:29:37.040 you didn't paralyze the guy the guy has a wife she is she's walking out on her man she's trying 0.98

01:29:48.540 to get some sexual outside of her man and he's lised up i would what i would do is i would talk

01:29:55.920 to the guy i would say look guy you know i'd love to help out around the house you know don't tell 0.98

01:30:05.740 him that you're going to try and have sex with his wife, but I would let him know there's 0.63

01:30:11.500 a way to do it, I think, where you can be a part of the solution for them, because he 0.96

01:30:15.940 probably feels bad.

01:30:17.780 He might like to know that his wife's being pleasured somehow, because maybe he just loves 0.92

01:30:23.720 her enough and he just wants her to feel good and have some sexual pleasure, even if it's 0.98

01:30:28.800 not him. 1.00

01:30:29.400 dude i'll tell you that i bet 30 of guys would love for some dude to fucking roll through their 1.00

01:30:35.680 neighborhood like the swans guy or swanson's or whatever and drop off some fucking frozen cock 1.00

01:30:41.580 meat every couple of months you know it's wild it's like if you need a massage you know you have 1.00

01:30:49.100 somebody come and make all your muscles feel good except that last muscle that crotch it's totally

01:30:55.240 fine to go pay somebody 150 dollars to rub your wife's back or something and put some olive oil 1.00

01:30:59.960 on her neck or some you know fucking peppermint drops in her asshole or whatever and call it a 1.00

01:31:04.960 massage but the second you get to the part where somebody's you know going in or doing crotch work 1.00

01:31:11.940 or whatever you know giving you blow jobs then everything gets you know erroneous so i would 0.98

01:31:20.080 approach the dude like a man bruh okay yeah it's not your fault he's in a that he's that he's 0.96

01:31:26.160 lised up unless you did something to him unless you hit him with something and i don't know you

01:31:30.880 sound like you might have been doing you know i don't know what you've been up to dude honestly

01:31:36.140 i'm being judgmental but who knows i'll let let me listen to a little bit more what you said 1.00

01:31:39.920 onward from being paralyzed and they have not fucked in years and now she's sexting me and 1.00

01:31:46.500 and wants to fuck me, 1.00

01:31:47.640 but she lives in Fort Lauderdale 1.00

01:31:49.360 and I live in fucking Tampa. 0.99

01:31:51.280 Dude, Fort Lauderdale to Tampa? 0.99

01:31:52.980 That's not that far.

01:31:55.260 Dude, at least go do it

01:31:56.760 and be a helpful person. 1.00

01:31:59.680 That guy's in a wheelchair.

01:32:01.160 You know how long it would take him

01:32:01.920 to get to Fort Lauderdale to Tampa?

01:32:04.280 Probably about 200 hours.

01:32:07.100 Or 300 hours, dude.

01:32:09.100 What's it, a couple hours for you? 1.00

01:32:10.980 You got all your legs in a vehicle and shit 1.00

01:32:13.140 and you over here bitching? 1.00

01:32:14.220 You're the one who's paralyzed.

01:32:17.020 So I'm just saying, man, if you're going to be helpful, be helpful.

01:32:21.140 You know, but I would try and find some way to discuss it with the man and see if you can offer that service in a loving way.

01:32:28.920 Because he may want his wife to be taken care of as well.

01:32:31.680 Gang, gang, man.

01:32:32.460 But good luck out there.

01:32:33.360 And if you drive over there, wear your seatbelt. 0.98

01:32:35.220 Dude, wouldn't it be crazy if you ended up getting fucking peelized out? 1.00

01:32:39.420 And now this lady's just collecting, you know, paraplegics at the house and going. 0.99

01:32:44.160 And it's just, you know, the next dick is on its way and that dude gets hit by a dang, you know, dump truck or something or, you know, somebody's moving a big elevator and it falls off a, you know, a pallet onto the car or whatever. 0.62

01:32:59.040 Okay. 0.97

01:32:59.840 But be safe, man.

01:33:00.820 All right.

01:33:01.140 Love you.

01:33:01.760 Okay.

01:33:02.040 Let's hear another call that came in onward.

01:33:04.720 What's up, Theo?

01:33:05.640 Seth from Virginia Beach.

01:33:07.020 What's up, Seth from Virginia Beach.

01:33:08.840 And my boy, Tony Brothers, is over there in Virginia Beach, and he has Men for Hope, I think, is his charity.

01:33:15.680 They've got a great organization, and he's one of my favorite NBA referees over there.

01:33:20.920 Onward?

01:33:21.920 I just had some thoughts about the guy calling in about being anonymous with your sobriety.

01:33:28.220 You know, AA has, like, what, a 5% success rate?

01:33:32.000 Right.

01:33:32.500 They had a gentleman that called in last week.

01:33:34.180 I've been talking about being sober and why I was sober.

01:33:37.280 That's what I've been talking about.

01:33:38.840 why I'd found my way into the meetings and stuff.

01:33:43.520 And he called in and said

01:33:47.020 that I should not talk about some of it in that.

01:33:50.840 I shouldn't talk about it in that facet.

01:33:52.680 I should talk about sobriety,

01:33:54.480 but I shouldn't talk about the program of AA itself

01:33:58.980 because we are not supposed to talk about that.

01:34:02.140 Onward.

01:34:03.320 And in your situation,

01:34:05.100 if you're helping people get sober,

01:34:07.080 staying sober,

01:34:08.840 Sounds like you have more of a success rate than, you know, what we call just a business at the end of the day.

01:34:15.420 A-A-N-A-C-A, Junk Foods Anonymous, Sex, Addicts Anonymous.

01:34:20.020 It's all just for some sort of money, don't you think, in a way?

01:34:23.900 Donation basket passes around, you know?

01:34:26.400 No, that's true.

01:34:27.440 The donation basket passes around.

01:34:28.920 But I'll say this, man.

01:34:29.780 I've been involved with a lot of different environments where there's a basket that goes around the room or the opportunity to donate.

01:34:34.620 i've never seen one i've never seen them collect enough money in one of those rooms to do much

01:34:42.940 and there's never uh you know i can't i it doesn't seem like a place that makes any money to me that

01:34:50.480 it all goes right back into the program in fact it's the only place i've ever witnessed miracles

01:34:54.660 happen are in um in some of the rooms where i go to be a part of a sober group the only i mean i've

01:35:03.520 seen miracles happen and uh and that's one of the things that keeps me going back and being

01:35:10.080 entertained so yeah i would never say that i from from my experience i've not seen any of that be

01:35:16.180 about money um in fact i feel like i wish the government didn't have any hands on it but i

01:35:23.420 wish that they would give them a huge stipend every year just to help out but maybe but some

01:35:28.100 of those programs they're self-supporting they are self-supporting you know and that's what makes

01:35:33.700 them continue to function it's a some of those programs are really really exceptional man have

01:35:38.180 blown my mind the way that they operate and the lives that they save um but you know it's the

01:35:46.300 rules say in the program you're not supposed to talk about it at the level of press radio and film

01:35:52.020 and i guess podcast is radio i mean i think of it as like a journal really kind of like a loud

01:35:57.780 journal but maybe some people it's different but uh but thank you for calling in um onward let's

01:36:06.240 take another call hey theo this is uh ak from texas not going to use my real name because i'm 0.69

01:36:12.880 about to get into some sensitive shit but damn ak from texas boy onward i just want to let you know 0.83

01:36:19.820 i appreciate the podcast and take a lot out of it and i do listen so thank you for that anyway 0.96

01:36:25.460 you're welcome man um thank you guys for being here dude you know the two-year anniversary of

01:36:30.480 the podcast is in uh like a couple days december 19th three days so next next week's episode

01:36:36.780 which i will tape from my brother's house in louisiana um it'll be two years onward calling

01:36:42.120 in just because i don't really have anyone else to tell i almost slept with my co-worker after 0.95

01:36:47.340 the christmas party on last week damn bro that's just fun i think those kind of environments that's 0.95

01:36:53.200 one thing i do miss about drinking is you know more things could happen you know you can't be 0.98

01:36:58.300 sober when you're sober you can't you know you know fall asleep on a xerox and wake up with you 0.99

01:37:04.580 you know your dick and some lady's printer you know you can't do it like that so you got to have 0.99

01:37:10.220 more reasoning behind what you're doing what happened onward kind of conflicted about that 1.00

01:37:14.500 been seeing a girl for a few years she's out of town and decisions were made uh ended up going

01:37:21.300 back home with her but didn't do anything and i don't know man at a weird crossroads my life 0.95

01:37:27.580 don't know what the fuck i want i don't know if my girl's the one don't think that this 0.84

01:37:33.140 this girl i work with is the one either but she was there and she's looking pretty good 1.00

01:37:39.760 looking like a snack you know oh you snack a dactyl boy you that fucking puss a lot of puss 0.99

01:37:46.360 onward so hey thanks for listening don't know what to what to expect but uh yeah there we go 0.99

01:37:55.480 here we go man and sometimes you just got to take that edge off and share that

01:37:59.920 and it sounded like to me when i was listening to you something did probably happen when y'all

01:38:04.080 went back to her house you know uh but whether something did or didn't the the reality beneath

01:38:10.240 a lot of it is that you know you're probably feeling some remorse you're uncertain about

01:38:15.040 your own relationship here's the thing I would tell your girlfriend this if you need if you're

01:38:20.860 thinking about telling her I mean I can heavily relate to this situation man and it's hard there's

01:38:28.060 a lot of influences today that make you wonder you in the should you settle down are we settling

01:38:32.520 down what's going on can I do this you know it's hard it's crazy it's like you know I could love

01:38:40.920 somebody to the end of the world and then you know still just have something inside of me

01:38:45.820 sometimes that makes some poor choices or that messes up and it's hard to live with both of

01:38:52.400 those things to be both of those things at the same time and some of my friends are like that

01:38:57.180 and they embrace it a lot better some of them are like well i'm just gonna cheat on my spouse and

01:39:01.260 just you know keep that burden to myself and that's just how i'm gonna be sometimes

01:39:05.300 it doesn't mean i'm not gonna love my spouse it doesn't mean i'm not gonna raise my family and

01:39:09.180 and be a good dad other people say well i would never do that i want my home to be sacred and

01:39:15.440 that's and it you know it's different types of people that are able to handle different types

01:39:19.800 of things one of my friends says dude quit lying i quit lying on myself and pretending like i was

01:39:25.700 going to be able to be a man that could do a family or be able to be a successful like you

01:39:30.660 know have that type of environment and i finally realized no i'm just going to be a type of man

01:39:35.600 that's going to make some poor choices sometimes and this is I'm never going to be able to stop

01:39:39.460 like being entertained by other women and stuff like that so I've heard a lot of my friends share

01:39:44.580 a lot of these things um the thing that you know I don't know I think they always say that the truth

01:39:51.260 will set you free and I wouldn't tell someone something if they don't need to hear it though

01:39:57.280 sometimes you know if so if it's just going to hurt somebody's feelings you don't have to tell

01:40:01.280 them you know you can tell somebody that you're struggling with y'all's how you're feeling though

01:40:08.220 uh you know it's brave to do that thing to do that and i've struggled with that man you know 0.62

01:40:17.180 just knowing like fuck am i what if i can't do this what if i can't you know love somebody

01:40:23.140 forever or if i if i already know or think in my head that i'm gonna make a mistake 0.98

01:40:27.060 or I'm going to date somebody else

01:40:31.320 or sleep around on my wife or girlfriend

01:40:33.520 and those burdens are hard to carry man

01:40:37.140 I've carried them

01:40:37.800 and it's painful to carry that stuff around

01:40:40.960 because you know that you're

01:40:42.320 I mean you know you're hurting somebody else's feelings

01:40:45.180 but they don't know about it

01:40:46.300 but you're also just hurting yourself

01:40:47.580 you're kind of hurting yourself in those instances

01:40:49.500 but I think we might get to a level of humanity

01:40:54.480 where some of the stuff of the committed relationship

01:40:57.200 kind of, not it devolves,

01:40:59.620 but it just, it evolves into like,

01:41:02.120 what's actually, if we're capable or not.

01:41:05.420 Because there's people that, you know,

01:41:06.900 that we're living up to this ideal

01:41:08.360 that are trying to live up to an ideal of a family,

01:41:11.700 this idea of a family and a relationship in their head

01:41:14.720 that they know that they can't.

01:41:20.920 Or just they're not ready

01:41:23.940 and they're trying to

01:41:25.000 and that's what I found

01:41:26.120 for myself sometimes

01:41:27.060 I just

01:41:27.500 you know

01:41:28.800 but

01:41:29.140 but don't

01:41:30.540 just don't be too hard

01:41:31.400 on yourself man

01:41:32.020 it doesn't mean

01:41:32.460 that you're a bad person

01:41:33.480 you know

01:41:34.980 it just means

01:41:36.080 that this is something

01:41:36.680 that's gone on

01:41:37.320 that's made you some aware

01:41:38.380 of that you may need

01:41:39.780 to communicate better

01:41:40.580 about it

01:41:41.120 or you may need

01:41:42.300 to really have

01:41:42.780 come to Jesus

01:41:43.460 to talk with yourself

01:41:44.620 or with a therapist

01:41:45.340 but I wish you well man

01:41:47.600 and

01:41:50.120 you know

01:41:50.900 if you're not going

01:41:51.480 to tell your spouse

01:41:52.240 or something about it

01:41:53.060 you could

01:41:53.500 or your girlfriend, you could at least also just go

01:41:56.080 and be very loving to them in some way.

01:41:59.440 You know, just as though, just as when, you know,

01:42:01.300 if you make a mistake in one direction,

01:42:02.900 you can make an unmistake in another direction.

01:42:05.600 An unmistake is when you try hard to just do something nice

01:42:10.300 for somebody and let somebody know that you love them

01:42:12.900 or that you care, you know.

01:42:16.760 But it's hard, man.

01:42:17.580 It's hard to be, you know, away from people that you love,

01:42:20.380 You know, and it's hard to have them not in your life sometimes, but, you know, because you don't even know what kind of life you're living or what kind of life you want to live.

01:42:30.900 Or sometimes for me, I don't even know if I already am living the life I want to live.

01:42:34.860 And I'm just constantly second guessing myself.

01:42:38.540 Thank you for your call, brother.

01:42:39.900 Merry Christmas to you, man.

01:42:41.380 And just give your girl a hug and, you know, and try to communicate when you can.

01:42:46.840 Let's take one more call and then we'll shut it down.

01:42:50.380 What's up, Theo?

01:42:52.920 What's up, player? Onward?

01:42:54.720 Just calling because I've been going through something for probably about like three years now.

01:43:04.260 You've been going through something? Like what, a maze?

01:43:07.600 That's a bad joke. More?

01:43:09.780 I'd say a good three years where I know for a fact, 100% fact, I'm not gay.

01:43:18.140 I'm not into men.

01:43:20.380 Dude, you might not be gay, bruh, you know, but you never know. 1.00

01:43:25.160 Well, if you say you're not, you're not, dude. 0.99

01:43:27.340 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

01:43:28.440 I thought I might be gay sometimes, but I don't want some other dude in my freaking house all the time. 1.00

01:43:36.340 So, you know, let's hear more. 1.00

01:43:38.860 I love women. 1.00

01:43:40.400 I love vagina. 1.00

01:43:41.920 It's beautiful. 1.00

01:43:42.860 I love it.

01:43:43.880 I don't know if it's beautiful, dude.

01:43:45.420 It's definitely some, you know, a lot of it's seen better days. 0.99

01:43:48.560 you know and a lot of people are saying that buttholes the new vagina too and those people 0.93

01:43:53.080 are out of their minds but onward i'm homophobic at all you know if there's a little bit of that 0.99

01:43:57.520 you know but uh my problem is uh you know i i just like stuff in my butt you know i'm not gay but 0.99

01:44:09.960 you know i like things in my butt and i was just wondering if that's all right 0.99

01:44:14.040 well look bro i'm gonna say this man i don't know much i'm not a doctor right 0.98

01:44:21.460 i'm not a you know a proctologist but i know this if i go to the proctologist every day 0.98

01:44:28.220 and get that dude to put stuff in my butt at some point he's gonna probably 0.96

01:44:32.520 come to the conclusion that i like some type of homoeroticism 1.00

01:44:37.040 so if you like stuff in your butt dude your butt is not a um i mean your butt when you think about 0.99

01:44:45.940 it your butt is you know guys like caves guys like mystery oh what's in there what's over there 0.99

01:44:52.340 what is it you know you see guys remember the goonies they went in that cave looking for 0.99

01:44:57.720 something and your butthole is just a special cave that's in the back of your body and the 0.99

01:45:04.820 worst thing i think about your butthole is you can't even see it you can't even see it bro 0.98

01:45:11.660 and i think if we could see it more often we might not be as into it but it has that mystery 0.99

01:45:18.520 you know your butthole is the sherlock holmes of your body really it's that mystery boy 0.99

01:45:23.280 you know it's that encyclopedia brown hole so if you like stuff in your butt you might just be 1.00

01:45:31.520 You might want to be a drug mule. 0.99

01:45:33.160 Have you ever thought about that? 1.00

01:45:35.760 You might not be a gay guy. 0.99

01:45:37.320 You might just be wanting to run dope across the border. 0.93

01:45:40.960 You know, I'd love to, you know, when I was young, me and this boy got stuck in this semi truck and this man was putting Tootsie Rolls in our mouth.

01:45:54.680 And I liked it, I guess.

01:45:57.260 But, you know, I didn't keep doing it after that.

01:46:02.280 I'd have a Tootsie Roll every now and then, but I wouldn't jacking my jaws up with them like that man was in that semi truck. 0.99

01:46:08.240 And he got his ass beat for being a pedophile or alleged. 0.99

01:46:12.220 But you got to think about yourself, man. 1.00

01:46:15.280 If you out there hiding and what kind of stuff you didn't say, what kind of stuff you like in your buttocks. 0.97

01:46:21.380 If we talking ice cubes or something like that or a couple of little marbles or something, 1.00

01:46:25.600 this you might just be your own little boo radley where you hiding things in your fucking in your 0.99

01:46:31.220 in your uh in your bark you know you hiding things in your own tree because remember boo radley hit 1.00

01:46:36.920 a bunch of stuff in a tree trunk you might be a little bit of a poo radley you know what i'm saying 0.99

01:46:42.220 you might be that poo radley daddy to kill a uh to kill a docking bird bro you docking birds in 0.99

01:46:51.740 your bottom you know but you might be over there who knows you hiding stuff in the way in your own 1.00

01:46:57.840 body walls i don't know dude it sounds like you might be gay to me but i don't know who's gay 0.99

01:47:06.460 anymore somebody you know a buddy of mine he said he hadn't eaten in a while and then next thing you 0.98

01:47:14.200 know some guy's blowing him at a party and that shit doesn't make any sense dude i remember one 0.91

01:47:20.000 night at a party this hot chick told this guy she's like well i'll kiss you but you got to kiss 0.99

01:47:24.860 my friend first and her friend was gay he was into homoeroticism so next thing you know the guy's 0.94

01:47:31.880 like all right i'll kiss your your friend who's a boy so she you know the guy kisses the other guy 1.00

01:47:36.940 and then the girl's like fuck you i'm not kidding you know she just was joking with him she got him 0.99

01:47:41.540 to kiss the guy dude when i was in college our one guy would pass out and this other dude was 1.00

01:47:47.520 always blowing passed out dudes and saying it was like a game or something. And guess what? It

01:47:53.720 wasn't even a game. He was just blowing dudes who was passed out. It was illegal. It was an

01:47:58.580 illegality. So there's all kinds of stuff, man, you know, but only, you know, for yourself,

01:48:07.820 only, you know, for yourself. But what I know is that it's been that time of year

01:48:13.340 and that we're still here together. 0.99

01:48:18.040 And whether you're hiding stuff in your butt, 0.97

01:48:21.880 whether you want us to have guests on the podcast or not, 1.00

01:48:29.000 whether you are sending dick pics to your teachers or your students, 0.99

01:48:36.080 whether you pooped your pants, 1.00

01:48:38.960 whether you almost banged your coworker and didn't tell your girl about it,

01:48:42.720 whatever.

01:48:43.920 We're all just people, you know.

01:48:47.440 And we have feelings, and we're just trying to navigate our life okay.

01:48:51.580 And in the end, I think we all just want to be accepted, man, you know.

01:48:56.320 And really, we really just also want to just be accepted by ourselves.

01:49:01.880 But I'm grateful to be here with you guys.

01:49:04.240 I'm grateful we have this weird place to hang out every week for a little while.

01:49:08.940 You know, I never thought I would be involved in something like this.

01:49:11.640 You know, I never thought I would

01:49:14.100 I don't know what I thought

01:49:15.300 But I know that I couldn't have

01:49:18.840 I couldn't have this experience today

01:49:21.360 By myself

01:49:22.340 And so I'm grateful for the calls that came in

01:49:24.820 I'm grateful for our sponsors

01:49:26.600 Support those if you can

01:49:28.800 I'm grateful for Tiny Sand

01:49:32.220 Who sent in that Christmas jingle

01:49:34.040 You know

01:49:34.760 And what else, man?

01:49:39.040 What else?

01:49:40.020 the year's over

01:49:42.380 you can wrap it up

01:49:43.840 put a bow on it

01:49:45.260 go out different

01:49:46.780 change it man

01:49:48.780 put a bow on the year

01:49:50.220 don't just box it up

01:49:51.520 and get ready for

01:49:52.740 do something special

01:49:53.920 you know

01:49:55.180 hug somebody 0.99

01:49:55.980 put something in somebody's butt 1.00

01:49:58.280 or your own butt 1.00

01:49:59.240 you know 0.98

01:50:00.180 do something nice

01:50:01.140 do something different

01:50:02.220 you know

01:50:04.180 and we'll be here

01:50:05.840 I'll see you guys next week

01:50:07.540 man it's gonna be

01:50:08.520 It'll be almost Christmas when we talk again

01:50:11.440 I think it'll be the 23rd

01:50:12.860 So that's pretty cool

01:50:14.000 Pretty nice man I'm grateful for you guys

01:50:16.660 I'm going to go out on this

01:50:18.720 Christmas time

01:50:21.000 This is called

01:50:22.580 And

01:50:23.700 And that's it man

01:50:26.860 That's all

01:50:28.500 She wrote

01:50:30.000 I love you guys man be good to yourself

01:50:32.240 You probably deserve it

01:50:34.640 And I hope to see you all soon

01:50:36.200 And you know

01:50:38.440 at a Waffle House or, you know, in a relationship or, you know, in a diversity discussion.

01:50:48.520 I hope to have a new year ahead of me where I can, you know, just try and just be okay with myself

01:50:57.580 and be okay with others in even bigger and better ways.

01:51:03.740 I love you. Have a good day, man.

01:51:08.440 fuck up 1.00

01:51:17.180 I gotta get my 1.00

01:51:18.480 antidepressants

01:51:19.340 they closed

01:51:20.840 the CVS closed

01:51:23.000 I'm gonna have to 1.00

01:51:23.320 get them fucking 1.00

01:51:23.780 moved to a 0.99

01:51:24.780 different CVS

01:51:25.820 ugh

01:51:26.300 just when you

01:51:27.560 think you made it

01:51:28.020 through life for the

01:51:28.640 day

01:51:38.440 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club,

01:52:07.520 A podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:52:15.300 The answer may shock you.

01:52:17.000 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:52:19.080 Sometimes I won't.

01:52:20.600 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:52:23.700 You have three new voice messages.

01:52:26.660 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:52:29.600 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:52:32.280 Longer than anybody else.

01:52:33.900 So great.

01:52:34.520 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me

01:52:53.920 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is

01:52:56.340 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:52:58.040 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:53:00.000 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:53:02.240 Third rule

01:53:03.040 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:53:08.260 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

01:53:12.120 Recently, our company softball team lost the big game by one run.

01:53:16.420 Then Dale tried to console us with the quote, winning isn't everything.

01:53:20.780 Well, Dale and I are very different.

01:53:24.380 I get early payout from Bet365.

01:53:26.380 If my team goes up big, I get paid out instantly, even if they blow the lead later.

01:53:31.080 Sound familiar, Dale?

01:53:33.100 Thanks, Bet365.

01:53:34.640 Must be 19 or older Ontario only.

01:53:36.140 Please play responsibly.

01:53:36.960 If you have questions or concerns about your gambling

01:53:38.360 or the gambling of someone close to you,

01:53:39.460 please go to connexontario.ca TNC Supply.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - December 17, 2018

There's Something About Marys ｜ This Past Weekend #157

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