TRIGGERnometry - The Funniest Conversation We've Ever Had - Mark Normand

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00:00:30.000 Tell us about Epstein.

00:00:34.620 How did you know him?

00:00:35.800 Yeah.

00:00:36.480 Well, I was in the files.

00:00:38.300 Were you?

00:00:38.660 Were you?

00:00:39.200 He came to a comedy show and I was there.

00:00:41.260 I was not on any island or anything, but yeah, yeah.

00:00:43.860 Never been arrested?

00:00:45.000 Oh, I've been arrested.

00:00:46.060 Really?

00:00:46.800 Yeah.

00:00:47.620 I thought we all had.

00:00:48.880 No, I've been questioned by the police, but not arrested.

00:00:51.200 What for?

00:00:53.760 So, this is...

00:00:54.780 There's some sheer...

00:00:55.700 Oh, here we go.

00:00:56.740 Breaking. 1.00

00:00:57.700 So you've got a black kid now. 1.00

00:00:58.800 Yeah, a huge hog. He's sagging his diaper. He's walking across the street slowly. Nice kid. 1.00

00:01:05.160 Just sagging his touch. 0.91

00:01:09.220 Well, you were saying something about the Holocaust being hugged. 0.85

00:01:11.860 Oh, yeah. Well, come on. Six million. I see Jews every day. 0.91

00:01:17.540 I saw you in London, and you opened with something like Al-Arabah, I think, were the first words when you came on.

00:01:24.120 I was still reminiscing from that Ariana Grande concert.

00:01:27.000 All right.

00:01:28.800 mark norman welcome back good to be back how we doing we're like once a year here once a year

00:01:36.300 indeed uh nice lots of going on yeah specials out today i don't know when this drops but yeah

00:01:42.400 it's out today yeah and that's fantastic this will drop in a few weeks from when we're recording it

00:01:47.200 okay so skip that by that point you're already number one we'll see i could get assassinated 0.99

00:01:54.240 There is a Muslim joke in there. 0.99

00:01:58.280 That's how you open all your sets now. 1.00

00:02:00.280 I saw you in London and you opened with something like Al-Araqbar. 0.82

00:02:03.940 I think were the first words when you came up. 0.98

00:02:05.960 He was just trying to blend in.

00:02:08.280 I was still reminiscing from that Ariana Grande concert.

00:02:11.460 All right.

00:02:13.880 Sorry, Ariana.

00:02:14.600 All right.

00:02:15.980 Our time is up. 0.98

00:02:17.760 White supremacy is the biggest problem. 0.99

00:02:19.480 i think if you say the white supremacy thing okay you can see patterns a lot of school shootings 0.99

00:02:26.560 are white big honkies you know so okay you can see patterns let's see other patterns are they 0.98

00:02:31.020 i think a lot of the school shootings are trans now and they think they're white trans white 0.99

00:02:35.020 trans so they're still white yeah well that's good yeah white people still got it yeah we got

00:02:40.680 one sport that and hockey uh but yeah so i'm just saying you know we can see patterns why can't we 0.93

00:02:46.540 the other patterns or call out other patterns i think it's good look the fact that we've got 0.69

00:02:50.800 trans shooters is good diversity is our strength when you agree sure sure and they're better than

00:02:55.280 the women shooters all right and more logical yeah well i wonder why that is yeah i don't know

00:03:02.460 i don't know oh boy we got right into it didn't we well we're really staring at each other this is

00:03:07.400 isn't autism wonderful yeah his eye contact too much of it yeah so how's it's gotta be nice to

00:03:16.840 get out of england for a minute huh oh man we're so happy to get out of the uk it's uh it's we had 0.98

00:03:22.620 two months of rain every rained every day for two months brutal yeah what do the muslims see in that 0.97

00:03:28.360 country all right okay that's the last one sorry guys uh i think the answer is domination mark but 0.95

00:03:36.180 you know that's kind of that's kind of benefits it's benefits yeah it's benefits there are lots

00:03:41.620 of benefits yeah did you have a good time in the uk i love going to the uk i did the uh did the uh

00:03:46.740 is it the orpheum no what is it called the palladium palladium that's one of our

00:03:50.980 you see the ungrateful did one of our most prestigious venues unbelievable he's american

00:03:56.220 they're not good with words yeah that's true but yeah we got the n-word uh we invented that one

00:04:02.160 um but yeah the palladium was awesome and i did uh whales and all these uh you know like

00:04:08.940 manchester birmingham liverpool all the way up to london so i had i was working out my uk chunk

00:04:14.960 and by the time i got to the palladium it was cooking and i went kind of viral i did a whole

00:04:19.780 thing on i said every time london's like a uk is like a banana the more the more time goes by the

00:04:26.300 browner it gets and um yeah we had a bunch of good sorry about ellen i did a whole thing on

00:04:30.920 Ellen coming there. Sorry about the, uh, you know, whatever. So yeah, Ellen left and she came to the

00:04:35.440 UK. I haven't noticed that, but I've, some people have been talking about it. Yeah. Ellen went to

00:04:39.880 the UK. I think the neighbor, her neighbors hate her and like pushed her out. So she might be back

00:04:44.880 here. Yeah. Can you imagine like being one of the most dislikable people in LA,

00:04:51.160 which is kind of a tough competition to win. Yeah. It's impressive.

00:04:55.500 She's a c***. You are what you eat. All right. 1.00

00:05:00.920 but i know a guy who worked for and he was like it was rough so that's all real really what was

00:05:07.400 rough working for her like she was that mean i thought that was another one yeah but you know

00:05:12.940 you gotta got you gotta respect the progress of she was canceled in the 90s for being gay 1.00

00:05:18.380 and then she kind of came back we all supported her we we cleaned up our act and then she got 1.00

00:05:25.780 cancer of being a cunt. That's progress. You know, hey, we're not mad about you being gay anymore. 1.00

00:05:30.980 We're mad about you being mean. So that's something. I like Neil Brennan's got a great 0.98

00:05:35.160 joke. It's like people ask me if she's nice. Ellen, I'm like, when have you ever met a nice

00:05:39.360 lesbian? Well, lesbians are good, too, because, you know, they say you become what you hate 1.00

00:05:46.620 and they all look like men after a while. So I'm like, you become what you got, the short hair, 1.00

00:05:51.280 the boots the flannel yeah you hate us and now you look like us it's a good point and then so

00:05:56.580 she came and then she's back so what were your impressions of the uk did you like it are you

00:06:00.560 gonna move to the uk mark well i stayed in westminster no i'll never move there but i stayed

00:06:05.260 in westminster is that is that right yeah beautiful i love the pub culture it was like a one nice day

00:06:11.980 of the whole year i just got to see it and that area is great but i didn't really branch out

00:06:16.780 now you've been

00:06:17.700 Brian Chatton

00:06:18.180 what do you think

00:06:18.680 of our royal family 0.98

00:06:19.700 I think it's all silly 0.91

00:06:22.360 you know 0.98

00:06:22.900 what are you going to do

00:06:23.580 I mean look

00:06:23.980 I went to Sweden

00:06:24.980 they got weirder

00:06:26.080 politics than you guys

00:06:27.400 you know

00:06:27.700 they got a king

00:06:28.460 and a queen

00:06:29.000 and a prince

00:06:29.700 and they're all 0.98

00:06:30.520 f***ing each other 0.97

00:06:31.540 and the inbreeding 0.99

00:06:32.380 and the

00:06:33.020 yeah we kind of

00:06:33.560 have that as well

00:06:34.220 oh I guess you're right

00:06:34.900 but then we've got

00:06:35.560 Andrew who's been

00:06:36.720 you know

00:06:37.740 he's a good friend

00:06:38.460 of Epstein

00:06:38.940 oh that's right

00:06:40.400 I forgot about that

00:06:41.540 but you arrested him

00:06:42.560 yeah for leaking secrets

00:06:44.080 not for the

00:06:44.720 for the pedophilia

00:06:45.360 oh really

00:06:45.880 legend pedophilia oh yeah yeah that's like an oj thing he didn't get arrested for murder he got

00:06:51.240 arrested for selling jerseys yeah but um yeah that's true and then you got the harry's a real

00:06:57.800 cuck right with the markle thing yeah i'm trying to try to remember everything and then i like the

00:07:05.440 other guy the bald guy seems cool william yeah oh yeah he is bald now yeah in my head he's still

00:07:11.460 got hair no he's well uh he seems all right yeah he does he does but one thing i like about harry

00:07:20.000 he wore he did a for halloween he dresses a nazi which i thought was fun i mean he did at the time

00:07:26.080 as well yeah but i mean that's what i did when i was a kid like to me that was normal as a that's

00:07:30.800 like a kid joke yeah it is a kid joke it's just the problem is is those jokes when you did them

00:07:36.580 back in 2002 everyone's like that's really funny that's true the key is not to have photographic

00:07:42.800 evidence mark yes dude i'm lucky i'm working on a whole chunk about this in my act about how like

00:07:47.640 well i had a disposable camera as a kid that was it and you'd give it to a guy at walgreens and

00:07:52.140 he would be in a dark room like what that was the extent of it now it's on the internet you know now

00:07:57.200 everything is filmed they say kids at a school dance aren't dancing because they're too scared

00:08:02.300 to get filmed. It'd be called cringe.

00:08:04.600 So kids can't cut loose. No wonder

00:08:06.200 they're shooting up schools. They're pent up.

00:08:08.860 They're pent up. They're frustrated.

00:08:10.320 They're angry. I'm surprised

00:08:12.100 you didn't say more about Epstein. I thought you'd have

00:08:14.180 a whole bit about Epstein. Oh, sorry.

00:08:15.960 I set him up there.

00:08:17.640 My fault. My fault. Tell us about Epstein.

00:08:21.280 How did you know him?

00:08:23.100 Well, I was in the

00:08:24.180 files. Were you?

00:08:25.560 He came to a comedy show and I was there.

00:08:27.940 I was on the show, apparently. So he was like,

00:08:30.100 hey, I saw a show with this guy, Dave Attell,

00:08:32.300 rachel feinstein mark norway whatever so juice yeah yeah not me but uh you look like you could

00:08:39.320 be i get that a lot yeah i'm circumcised and annoying so that's something um but uh yeah

00:08:45.740 the you know who looks pretty good with epstein is leonardo dicaprio because he was always getting

00:08:49.840 for the the young girls but he now he's like i was dating 24 year olds you i'm that's like a you

00:08:56.500 You know, a MILF compared to Epstein.

00:08:59.160 But, yeah, Epstein, crazy times.

00:09:02.180 Nobody gets in trouble.

00:09:03.320 I wish I was on the list because then I can't get arrested.

00:09:06.260 Bill Clinton's reminiscing.

00:09:07.900 And we got him dead to rights.

00:09:09.720 We got the photos and the hot tub and everything.

00:09:12.480 And no punishment.

00:09:16.160 No punishment.

00:09:16.820 That is true.

00:09:18.280 So what did Epstein say about the show?

00:09:19.800 Did he say you smashed it?

00:09:21.580 He gave me a card and he said, come on my jet.

00:09:25.540 And I was busy.

00:09:26.240 I couldn't do it.

00:09:26.920 But I think we all would have gone.

00:09:28.700 Yeah.

00:09:29.440 Right?

00:09:29.940 It's the private jet to an island with Bill Clinton and Stephen Hawking. 0.98

00:09:34.940 Don't forget to work the balls. 0.98

00:09:36.820 Okay, sorry. 1.00

00:09:38.320 That might be the horniest paraplegic out there. 1.00

00:09:41.220 Can you think of a different one?

00:09:42.560 I mean, he might have a crippling addiction.

00:09:44.520 Well, the question is, do we have any evidence that he volunteered to go?

00:09:47.960 Did someone just take him against his will?

00:09:49.900 Oh, that's a good point. 0.94

00:09:51.680 I saw some on black Twitter, which I highly recommend.

00:09:54.640 Very funny. 0.99

00:09:55.520 Somebody tweeted, if this guy raped you, that's on you. 0.99

00:09:59.380 Which I wouldn't have the balls to write, but that was pretty funny. 0.99

00:10:02.320 You know, I was at a party. 0.96

00:10:04.500 I've never told this story.

00:10:06.060 Around about 2003.

00:10:08.300 Wait, are you on the Epstein list?

00:10:09.580 Yeah, I am.

00:10:10.020 Is that what's about to come out?

00:10:11.420 Yeah, I am.

00:10:12.440 I am.

00:10:13.700 Let's hear it.

00:10:14.620 How do you think we got funding to do this?

00:10:17.080 We really are funded by Mossad.

00:10:18.820 Anyway, carry on.

00:10:19.520 Exactly. 0.96

00:10:20.960 No, and I was at a party, and there was a girl there who was a stripper. 0.99

00:10:24.480 and I started talking to her

00:10:26.340 and she was working at Spearman Rhinos.

00:10:29.240 Oh, yeah.

00:10:30.800 That's a big one.

00:10:31.840 Exactly.

00:10:32.300 It's one of the best ones.

00:10:33.220 It's a good one. 0.93

00:10:34.160 Big strip club. 1.00

00:10:34.920 Big strip club.

00:10:35.800 And I asked her, I went, 0.99

00:10:36.940 oh, so who's the biggest celebrity

00:10:39.900 that you've done a lap dance for?

00:10:41.600 And I thought she was going to say Charlie Sheen.

00:10:44.100 I thought she was going to say,

00:10:45.280 you know, maybe like a conservative politician.

00:10:47.600 Sure.

00:10:48.080 You know, doing a little bit of cokey-cokey

00:10:50.120 and then doing all the stuff.

00:10:52.060 No, she said Stephen Hawking.

00:10:54.540 Wow.

00:10:56.200 How about that?

00:10:57.220 Legend.

00:10:57.840 And I asked her what it was like, and she said, gentleman.

00:11:01.700 No way.

00:11:02.640 Well, he literally can't move.

00:11:04.940 He can't get a boner or touch her.

00:11:07.060 So I don't know if he's a gentleman or more if he's just confined to a wheelchair.

00:11:12.260 But he was just a lover of the game.

00:11:14.200 I guess so.

00:11:15.080 Well, right.

00:11:16.000 I'd never thought about this and never intended to.

00:11:18.260 But if he couldn't get a boner, what was the point of all of this?

00:11:22.120 Well, you know, I think he's still got eyes.

00:11:23.840 and he probably just wants to be wanted.

00:11:26.060 You know, when you look like that, 0.90

00:11:27.360 you're all f***ed up. 0.99

00:11:29.420 I think a girl dancing on you is pretty exciting. 0.99

00:11:32.500 Like, oh, she's not horrified by me.

00:11:34.600 That's a win.

00:11:35.740 Yeah, that's very astute, but very sad and not funny.

00:11:38.960 Well, you know, it's kind of like 0.93

00:11:40.000 you ever get like a nice message from a girl 0.99

00:11:41.700 who's like, hey, I'd love to f*** you or whatever. 0.96

00:11:44.760 And you're like, no. 0.99

00:11:45.520 Oh, yeah, me neither.

00:11:46.680 But, you know, when you're talking to a girl

00:11:50.680 and you're like, I think I'm in. 0.96

00:11:52.020 Sometimes that's better than the actual sex. 0.66

00:11:54.300 Because the sex will only let her down, or you'll get an STD, or you'll get in trouble, whatever.

00:11:58.580 But the knowing that she would is kind of the win.

00:12:02.080 I see.

00:12:03.020 Yes, Billy?

00:12:03.760 People with most neurons can't get boners. 0.68

00:12:05.940 So he could get a boner.

00:12:07.280 He could? 0.75

00:12:07.920 Yeah.

00:12:08.280 Oh, all right.

00:12:09.020 So maybe he's getting, you know, remember when you were 18, you get a lap dance,

00:12:12.500 and you jizz in your basketball shorts?

00:12:15.800 Me neither.

00:12:16.480 But I think he's doing that.

00:12:20.200 Look at that. 0.95

00:12:21.100 See, he's a big nerd.

00:12:22.900 So I think he got to live the second half as a wild man.

00:12:26.680 You know, here's the thing, though. 0.99

00:12:28.060 And he's going to hell anyway.

00:12:29.780 That man was a great man, not just for his physics,

00:12:32.420 but also you know that he got divorced.

00:12:34.500 Yeah.

00:12:34.920 And then married the nurse.

00:12:36.860 I mean, that guy had game.

00:12:38.400 He had game.

00:12:39.120 He had real game.

00:12:40.020 Yeah, yeah.

00:12:40.800 Well, he was a brilliant guy. 0.98

00:12:43.140 So he could type some smooth sh**. 0.98

00:12:45.420 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:45.700 I don't know why we're defending an alleged pedophile here,

00:12:47.980 but that was fun.

00:12:49.500 No, but if you think about it, that is having...

00:12:52.740 In fact, sorry to interrupt,

00:12:53.900 but actually that is what we do on the show every time.

00:12:55.700 Last time we were here, you were defending Bill Cosby.

00:12:58.760 I'd just say he's a good comic.

00:13:00.340 That's why I ended the show, tried to end the show half an hour early.

00:13:03.040 I was like, I'm not going to tolerate this.

00:13:05.100 No, but then you, I think you fact-checked us

00:13:07.820 and we found out he actually was found not guilty, Bill Cosby, wasn't he?

00:13:12.380 Or was that you?

00:13:13.380 No, no, it was me.

00:13:14.400 I said that he'd be...

00:13:15.600 No, no, he's not guilty.

00:13:16.540 He'd been found innocent on all charges.

00:13:18.640 He's been found not guilty.

00:13:20.740 J-Mo, what do you got here?

00:13:22.580 Yeah.

00:13:23.200 Bill Cosby was found guilty of aggravated and indecent assault in 2018,

00:13:28.720 but his conviction was overturned in 2021. 0.88

00:13:30.620 Oh, s***.

00:13:33.360 Who overturned that? 0.97

00:13:35.540 The Pennsylvania Supreme Court.

00:13:37.480 The Pennsylvania Supreme Court overturned his conviction.

00:13:40.140 Good to know.

00:13:40.960 He's not guilty.

00:13:41.860 He's not guilty?

00:13:42.720 An innocent man walked free.

00:13:44.240 Wow.

00:13:44.780 Just like Stephen Hawking.

00:13:45.880 J-Mo, he didn't walk free.

00:13:47.960 He rolled for you.

00:13:48.680 I mean, we are.

00:13:51.740 The guy can't drive, but he loves trafficking.

00:13:54.400 If you normally tune in for the political analysis, I'm sorry, but this is so much better. 1.00

00:13:59.840 I'm an idiot. 0.99

00:14:00.400 I don't know much. 0.99

00:14:01.320 You know, like with Iran, I want to know, but I just, I gloss over.

00:14:06.220 You gloss over? 1.00

00:14:07.140 Yeah.

00:14:07.520 It's just, you know, too many big words and too much news.

00:14:11.620 What about the Gayatollah? 1.00

00:14:13.280 Well, that's fun. 1.00

00:14:14.040 Is he going to throw himself off his own roof?

00:14:17.480 somebody in a good post

00:14:20.800 they said

00:14:21.320 he's going to get to

00:14:22.540 the 72 virgins

00:14:23.920 and be like 1.00

00:14:24.240 it's all pussy 1.00

00:14:25.620 so that sucks 1.00

00:14:27.480 but yeah 0.99

00:14:28.560 the ayatollahs

00:14:29.700 it feels like 0.99

00:14:30.440 they just pull a lever

00:14:31.420 and another guy slides in

00:14:32.780 who looks exactly

00:14:33.420 like the last one

00:14:34.180 yeah

00:14:34.580 there's no diversity

00:14:35.520 I know 1.00

00:14:36.440 and I think that's why 0.97

00:14:37.420 they're losing the war

00:14:38.180 because it's not their strength

00:14:39.120 diversity is our strength

00:14:40.480 and they just 0.99

00:14:41.080 they just don't have enough 0.99

00:14:45.220 they need some trans shooters 1.00

00:14:46.580 in there 0.99

00:14:46.900 they know how to fight yeah that's true but also you've got to hand it to them because they're

00:14:51.120 really committed to the Allah thing they keep saying Allah will protect me and then they blow 0.98

00:14:54.900 up you know like imagine you're you're banging a hooker with no condom and you're like Allah's got 1.00

00:15:00.560 me you know that the balls that takes they really believe it AIDS infested balls yeah yeah crazy 1.00

00:15:08.280 over there um no protest about it strange you don't see any protests about Iran killing each 0.99

00:15:15.140 other where's all the protests where's the colleges it's an interesting point yeah yeah

00:15:21.640 it is an interesting point isn't it like you you see the occasional one but even the lefties are

00:15:27.060 like these guys are crazy i'm not gonna is that what it is i thought it was a brown on brown thing

00:15:31.820 how do you mean a brown on brown well if it's brown on brown nobody knows what side to take 0.98

00:15:36.680 it's kind of like uh like a lot of statistically a lot of black people shoot each other in america 0.53

00:15:41.620 But no one ever talked about those lives mattering, you know? 0.98

00:15:45.320 So you're like, I thought we cared about the lives.

00:15:48.220 No.

00:15:48.720 No.

00:15:49.360 Oh, okay.

00:15:50.040 We care about the virtues, secondly.

00:15:51.820 I guess so.

00:15:53.000 Did you see Doja Cat?

00:15:54.860 No.

00:15:55.320 Pull this up, fatty.

00:15:56.720 All right, so, you know,

00:15:59.340 Timothee Chalamet is in all kinds of hot water 0.80

00:16:01.780 for sh** on the ballet and the opera, 0.95

00:16:04.020 which he's not wrong. 0.99

00:16:05.380 Nobody likes it.

00:16:06.340 It's like 0.3% of people watch the opera.

00:16:08.800 um but he got a ton of for it from doja cat who i don't even know who that is but apparently she's

00:16:14.720 a big hot actress pop star or something and she wrote a bunch of you know he sucks he's out of 0.96

00:16:21.720 touch chalamet he sucks and then two days later she retracted and goes i gotta be honest i don't 0.97

00:16:27.540 even care about the opera i was just virtue signaling wow that's a win no one's ever done 0.98

00:16:31.800 that that's a shift i think in culture it's tell me when you find it

00:16:36.080 No, no, that we have.

00:16:40.300 We have that.

00:16:41.180 I'm talking about Doja Cat.

00:16:42.900 Doja Cat.

00:16:44.680 We're so old.

00:16:45.840 We're old.

00:16:46.860 Not only...

00:16:47.500 Well, you're not old. 1.00

00:16:48.140 You're clearly on top of this shit. 1.00

00:16:49.580 Well, I just saw it on Twitter and it blew my mind, 1.00

00:16:51.720 but I don't know any of her music.

00:16:53.100 Not only did I have never heard of her songs,

00:16:55.880 I didn't even know who she is.

00:16:57.960 I only, a few months ago, 1.00

00:17:00.900 because of your people going mental,

00:17:03.080 found out who Bad Bunny is. 0.85

00:17:04.500 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:17:06.080 The Bad Bunny thing was wild. 1.00

00:17:08.340 I mean, I think the alternative halftime show is super gay. 1.00

00:17:11.760 You know, it's like a weird vegetarian option at a dinner. 0.94

00:17:15.680 And Kid Rock hasn't had a hit in 30 years.

00:17:18.220 Can we get a new conservative face for the music?

00:17:22.400 But whatever.

00:17:23.420 Are there any conservative musicians?

00:17:25.740 Oh, yeah.

00:17:26.880 I think Morgan Wallen.

00:17:28.780 He's a bunch of country guys, I think.

00:17:30.620 Right.

00:17:31.620 But I'm sure there's some other ones that are secretive conservative.

00:17:34.980 of it's like being gay but uh yeah so did you find it so people do give a about these art forms

00:17:42.660 and then retract it saying that you know that's big that's a that's a big sign i mean that is kind

00:17:51.080 of that's kind of the end isn't it where you just go ah i was just doing it for the for the clout as

00:17:57.920 the kids say exactly but it's just nice because we all kind of know that but when all i want is

00:18:02.740 some acknowledgement in this world that no one acknowledges anything you know like they never go

00:18:07.240 back and go oh maybe Palestine was a little angry you know they just keep moving then no one ever 0.82

00:18:13.880 goes back maybe COVID maybe we shouldn't have opened the border oh maybe COVID was a little 0.87

00:18:17.520 uh we didn't handle that crazy you know they never go back and go that was bad so when someone does 0.70

00:18:22.460 it I'm like I'm in the back of a Waymo jerking off I mean if you're gonna do it in any kind it 1.00

00:18:30.040 might as well be a waymo yeah yeah no victimless crime exactly yeah the mexican guy was gonna 1.00

00:18:36.820 clean it but yeah boy i feel like uh you guys are two gays and you're auditioning for the 0.90

00:18:41.960 the threesome the new guy to come in i feel like that is exactly what this is for except it's on 0.78

00:18:48.480 camera yeah yeah oh boy with a big audience yes i'm not gonna do it talking about uh auditioning 0.95

00:18:55.820 in front of camera and being gay.

00:18:57.340 What did you make of the Oscars? 0.94

00:18:58.800 Oh, well, I think Conan had a good time.

00:19:02.100 He had a good opening, I thought.

00:19:04.940 I don't know.

00:19:05.720 Did you read the Oscar,

00:19:07.380 like what you need to get an Oscar now?

00:19:09.420 They put out the requirements

00:19:11.140 and it's like you got to have so many of this

00:19:13.780 and the lead has to be that

00:19:15.060 and this guy's got to be disabled 1.00

00:19:16.680 and he's got to be gay 1.00

00:19:18.600 and she's got to be whatever 0.99

00:19:19.620 and you're like, what are we doing?

00:19:21.460 It's a movie.

00:19:22.400 Like we have all these great movies. 0.97

00:19:23.660 Everybody talks about how movies now suck

00:19:25.200 and movies in the 70s were amazing

00:19:27.280 because you could just let people have art.

00:19:29.520 What if stand-up did that? 0.99

00:19:30.520 Hey, you got to have six jokes about how whitey sucks 1.00

00:19:34.000 and how Jews are bad or whatever. 1.00

00:19:36.780 Like, you can't put restrictions on this. 0.96

00:19:41.360 You know, in the old days,

00:19:44.420 Thomas Edison started a movie company in Edison, New Jersey.

00:19:49.680 And that was like the movie company.

00:19:51.660 And then he made all these rules. 1.00

00:19:53.240 So the Jews said, we're going to start our own movie shit in Hollywood. 0.99

00:19:57.060 And that's what became the big movie producer, movie studios. 0.99

00:20:01.380 I think it's going to happen again.

00:20:03.100 See what I'm saying?

00:20:04.060 Yeah.

00:20:04.540 You know, like if you keep implementing all these rules and making people have these regulations for art, 0.99

00:20:11.540 I think people are going to make their own shit. 0.99

00:20:13.320 That's kind of what the Internet is. 0.99

00:20:14.780 You know, you got your Tonight Shows and whatever, and then you got this.

00:20:18.620 Right.

00:20:18.900 You know what, though? 0.99

00:20:19.880 We'd like to talk shit about it, but I was watching a John Oliver clip. 0.98

00:20:23.940 Well, I wasn't watching it, in my defense. 0.99

00:20:25.980 It came up on my YouTube.

00:20:27.640 Yeah.

00:20:27.940 That still crushes.

00:20:29.060 I mean, it gets like millions of views.

00:20:31.380 Online.

00:20:31.960 Online.

00:20:32.520 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:33.080 But he's very good at what he does.

00:20:34.420 So I think they're doing it now for the views online.

00:20:39.660 Yeah, they are.

00:20:40.720 Well, like, I just did Seth Meyers yesterday, and he's a great guy.

00:20:43.220 Thank you for having me. 1.00

00:20:44.240 But there's, like, a guy standing around, a lady doing nothing,

00:20:47.360 and you're like this is all wasted money it's crazy when you go to studios now and you're like

00:20:52.400 we could shoot half of this on our iphone if i did one of these on the toilet hey folks check me out 0.98

00:20:57.440 at the chattanooga dick jizz house you know i think that would do better than all these grips 0.98

00:21:04.520 and uh roadies and gaffers and all this they're all on the union die it's a lot of money it totally 0.98

00:21:12.080 it is and as well like I kind of I don't take any pleasure in the fact that it's dying I was

00:21:18.760 watching the Oscars we were at the um the comedy set up the other night and uh they had the Oscars

00:21:24.600 on and then I was watching it and I was going I used to love this me too I love I never missed

00:21:31.200 it yeah and because what would happen is you would see these movies go oh I haven't seen that movie

00:21:36.600 right oh I want to see that documentary or that's meant to be great or whatever it may be and you

00:21:41.160 it was a way to find more movies and also movies that weren't mainstream. But now I was like,

00:21:48.440 the news doesn't just tell you what's happening. It often tells you what to think is happening.

00:21:55.280 And these days, the biggest red flag isn't what's said, it's what gets left out. That's why I use

00:22:00.220 Ground News. It's the only app that compares how the same story is covered across the political

00:22:05.180 spectrum and show you what whole audiences are not being told. The Blindspot feed is one of my

00:22:10.480 favorite features. Every day it flags upwards of 20 stories that are being ignored either by the

00:22:15.340 left or the right. Follow along at ground.news slash trigonometry. Like this, a new study from

00:22:20.540 UC San Diego found that climate change cost almost twice as much as we thought because earlier

00:22:25.900 estimates left out damage to the oceans. That's a pretty big update and yet no coverage, literally

00:22:30.500 zero, came from right-leaning outlets. Or this, a recent Gallup poll found trust in the media has

00:22:35.840 hit a record low, with just 28% of Americans saying they trust newspapers, radio, and TV

00:22:40.920 to report the news accurately and fairly. That's a staggering result, but if you only read left-leaning

00:22:46.440 news, you likely never saw it at all. Go to ground.news slash trigonometry to get 40% off

00:22:52.120 their unlimited vantage plan, the same one we use, and stop being managed by the media.

00:22:58.220 Yeah, yeah, same. Well, it's become agenda-driven. It feels political. You just want to

00:23:05.820 to go ah I'm just trying to have fun before it was like oh she's hot that's a great movie 1.00

00:23:10.080 that was a funny thing he's a rapist sure sure she's hot yeah yeah he's also a rapist yeah he's 0.99

00:23:17.040 a pedo but you know back in the day you had Billy Crystal coming out on a horse or or uh funny stuff 0.99

00:23:22.800 and now it just feels so box checky and look I'm all about being diverse like we all grew up with

00:23:30.280 Friday Boys in the Hood Menace to Society all great movies but they just felt like a movie it

00:23:35.360 didn't feel like oh we have to have this here we talk about this all the time like the 90s were

00:23:41.400 literally the best decade in human history and now i wonder are we just old boomer queefs or is

00:23:47.020 that true i think both okay i think we are old but also objectively no one has presented me with

00:23:53.840 evidence that denies the claim right yeah because let's be honest the 2000s were not better no

00:23:59.960 Because you get 9-11 and then financial crisis.

00:24:02.680 Sure, sure. 1.00

00:24:03.280 Everything goes to shit. 1.00

00:24:04.460 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:05.200 2010s.

00:24:06.040 Oh, then the phone kicks up.

00:24:07.520 Social media, phones.

00:24:09.440 And now 2020s.

00:24:11.320 Look at it.

00:24:12.340 Wars everywhere.

00:24:13.640 Yeah.

00:24:14.500 And you know, we have this thing now.

00:24:15.900 It's in the air.

00:24:16.720 You know, Antifa?

00:24:17.720 We have anti-fun.

00:24:19.100 I just feel like things are anti-...

00:24:20.580 You know, like, U.S. wins the hockey thing.

00:24:22.620 Men and women both win. 1.00

00:24:23.980 Yeah, but the women didn't get enough love.

00:24:25.660 And you're like, how do we take the fun out of this? 0.88

00:24:28.620 Two teams for the U.S. won the hockey.

00:24:31.860 That's incredible.

00:24:32.800 We should be high-fiving and getting drunk.

00:24:34.680 But instead, we had to be like,

00:24:36.120 well, they took a call with Trump and they laughed,

00:24:38.400 and we don't like when people laugh at Trump.

00:24:39.940 And you're like, all right, how did you make this a bummer?

00:24:43.680 You know, so we have this weird urge to just, like, 0.97

00:24:50.120 fucking ruin everything. 0.98

00:24:52.020 Anti-fun comes in. 1.00

00:24:53.580 People like to shit on things. 0.99

00:24:55.380 I guess so. 1.00

00:24:56.200 They really like to shit. 0.99

00:24:57.100 And we were talking before we started, like, anytime you open your phone now, if you post 1.00

00:25:02.780 anything, the comments are just like, everyone's being a c*** of different varieties. 0.96

00:25:07.780 And a c*** immediately. 0.93

00:25:09.120 Like, straight away. 1.00

00:25:09.960 Yeah.

00:25:10.520 Unrelated to what you post, it's crazy.

00:25:12.600 I know, I know, I hate it.

00:25:14.100 And like, one battle after another.

00:25:15.560 I enjoyed the movie.

00:25:16.440 I like Paul Thomas Anderson, I thought it was a good movie.

00:25:19.200 But the right and the left are both mad at it, and I'm loving it.

00:25:22.440 Because the right is like, this movie's too woke, and, you know, it's obviously,

00:25:27.100 about this and about that and you know blah blah blah and then the left is like he used a black

00:25:32.380 woman to win an oscar and he uh denigrated her and all and you're like look at this you're ruining 0.93

00:25:38.740 you're ruining your own life and my life enough and go to the movies have some popcorn then go

00:25:44.020 home and try to your wife and get turned down that's life it's just crazy how we can find it's 0.99

00:25:50.420 almost impressive how we can find a way to be mad about everything someone's watching this mad

00:25:54.780 No, they'll be in the comments. 1.00

00:25:56.280 Yeah, just three retards around a table trying to get laid, you know? 1.00

00:26:01.200 With who? 1.00

00:26:02.000 Well, this feels like you guys are auditioning me for the...

00:26:05.220 You already said that, but you're married, right?

00:26:08.320 Married guy with a one-year-old.

00:26:09.720 With a one-year-old.

00:26:10.480 Oh, it's great. 0.98

00:26:11.120 No wonder he's so horny. 0.68

00:26:13.100 That's true.

00:26:14.140 But we got the C-section.

00:26:15.300 That was her call, so we went in, and I got to tell you,

00:26:17.640 the whole thing lasted 12 minutes.

00:26:18.880 It was incredible.

00:26:20.020 Get the C-section.

00:26:21.340 Really?

00:26:21.860 12 minutes?

00:26:22.300 12, in and out. 1.00

00:26:23.240 They drugged her, slid her open, opened her up like a Tatooine.

00:26:29.880 Is it Tatooine?

00:26:31.140 One of those things in Empire Strikes Back.

00:26:33.680 Get on it, Nicholas. 1.00

00:26:34.980 And opened her up, pulled that piece of shit out. 1.00

00:26:38.600 He was black. 1.00

00:26:39.400 We were all upset. 0.94

00:26:40.900 They hit it with a water pick and hosed it down.

00:26:43.880 And then I took it home.

00:26:45.160 And that was it. 1.00

00:26:46.340 So you got a black kid now. 1.00

00:26:47.560 Yeah, huge hog. 1.00

00:26:48.960 He's sagging his diaper. 0.99

00:26:50.340 He's walking across the street slowly.

00:26:52.500 Nice kid.

00:26:53.240 good kid

00:26:58.520 oh yeah

00:27:02.160 is that a thing 1.00

00:27:04.820 that black people walk across the street slowly 1.00

00:27:06.720 oh yeah that's a thing here 1.00

00:27:08.340 right yeah you don't have that

00:27:10.100 do we? no not really

00:27:12.260 no it's not one of our stereotypes

00:27:14.160 yeah it's all culture

00:27:16.640 like African black people I noticed 1.00

00:27:18.220 and American black people are really butt heads 1.00

00:27:20.120 oh yeah just like 1.00

00:27:22.580 uh you're a n-word and they're like well you're a dumb african and ooga booga and they like they 1.00

00:27:29.480 don't get along yeah you get that in a different way in the uk where you get the first and second 1.00

00:27:35.260 generation caribbeans against the africans oh really yeah they don't like each other and they

00:27:40.760 kind of they're they butt heads about that please don't do any quotes or the accent yeah 0.56

00:27:45.060 how come you guys don't get any any slavery backlash or do you oh we do oh you do okay

00:27:51.760 You had slaves in England?

00:27:54.180 No, personally. 1.00

00:27:54.880 We sent them here.

00:27:55.740 Yeah, yeah.

00:27:57.080 No, we sent them here.

00:27:58.680 Yeah.

00:27:58.920 Remember when we used to own you?

00:28:00.400 Oh, that's right.

00:28:01.160 Well, we broke away.

00:28:02.060 Yeah.

00:28:02.400 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:28:03.260 Before that.

00:28:04.260 But did you have African slaves or what? 0.54

00:28:06.420 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:06.800 Oh, okay.

00:28:07.280 But we sent them here. 0.97

00:28:08.160 We didn't really have them in England because we had poor people. 1.00

00:28:11.840 Ah, yes.

00:28:12.240 They did all the work.

00:28:13.120 You guys are more class-ish.

00:28:14.560 Right.

00:28:14.800 Class-based.

00:28:15.440 That's right.

00:28:15.840 Got it. 1.00

00:28:16.180 So we let the poor people do all the work, and then the African slaves got sent here. 0.82

00:28:19.880 But the interesting thing about that is the British Empire is actually the first empire in history to end slavery.

00:28:25.580 But we still get blamed for it.

00:28:27.640 Right. 0.85

00:28:28.440 Even though Britain actually spent a lot of money forcing other countries, particularly Arab countries, to stop slavery. 0.96

00:28:34.600 Right. 0.98

00:28:35.340 Yeah, why don't you get any credit for that?

00:28:36.660 You know why?

00:28:37.380 We don't get any credit for that.

00:28:38.420 You know why? 1.00

00:28:39.020 I blame the Americans. 1.00

00:28:40.500 And I'm being serious about this. 0.99

00:28:41.940 I was giving this some thought.

00:28:43.340 It's because of Hollywood.

00:28:44.400 We're always the bad guys.

00:28:46.260 Is that right?

00:28:46.860 You got James Bond.

00:28:48.200 Yeah, but that's the only one.

00:28:49.420 Think about the Lion King.

00:28:52.100 Who played the evil villain? 0.99

00:28:53.620 Oh, Scar was a British accent. 0.99

00:28:55.720 Yeah. 0.50

00:28:56.200 Hello, Simba.

00:28:57.900 Okay, I'll give you that.

00:28:59.120 But you also get to be the smart guy.

00:29:01.140 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:01.840 Smart guy's always got a British accent.

00:29:03.340 Oh, yeah.

00:29:03.680 That's the great thing about having a British accent in America.

00:29:06.460 Everyone thinks you're about 10 IQ points above where you actually are.

00:29:09.460 Yeah, smarter.

00:29:09.980 And in America, you are.

00:29:11.340 Probably, yeah.

00:29:12.340 Your education system is way better than ours.

00:29:15.420 But, yeah, you get the smarter, and I think you guys get classier.

00:29:18.960 You just seem classier.

00:29:20.240 Yeah. 0.96

00:29:20.500 Even if it's like a garbage man, he's like, hello, governor. 0.91

00:29:23.220 And you're like, look at that guy. 0.96

00:29:24.880 He seems cool.

00:29:26.080 Yeah.

00:29:26.900 We can't get used to it.

00:29:28.680 One of the things that I always struggle here with in America,

00:29:32.040 you're kind of blunt.

00:29:33.180 Are we?

00:29:33.940 Yeah.

00:29:34.420 Yeah.

00:29:35.140 Yeah.

00:29:36.200 Well, that's the classy thing, right?

00:29:37.780 You're more direct.

00:29:38.840 Right, right.

00:29:40.160 But you guys are more passive aggressive.

00:29:41.800 Yeah.

00:29:42.100 Oh, much more.

00:29:43.280 Okay.

00:29:43.940 Yes.

00:29:44.300 All right.

00:29:44.560 Because we can't actually express our feelings, honestly.

00:29:47.300 Got it.

00:29:47.720 That's why you drink.

00:29:48.880 Yeah.

00:29:50.080 I assume.

00:29:51.040 Yeah.

00:29:51.320 But where do you get it out?

00:29:52.220 You got to get it out somewhere.

00:29:53.720 In violence.

00:29:54.780 Oh, the soccer games.

00:29:56.080 Yes.

00:29:56.320 Or football.

00:29:57.020 Football, yeah.

00:29:57.740 Those football games are wild.

00:29:59.600 I mean.

00:29:59.920 Have you been?

00:30:00.340 I've been to a few.

00:30:01.500 And just the rage in the audience is crazy.

00:30:06.280 And the chants are all very cruel and mean and aggressive.

00:30:11.900 Even on the tube on the way there, I could feel it.

00:30:14.160 It was just like jizz running through everybody.

00:30:17.440 Then they ran out of the train and ran up the stairs and ran to the stadium.

00:30:21.460 It was heavy.

00:30:23.060 It's intense.

00:30:23.940 It's intense.

00:30:24.760 That's the word.

00:30:25.200 I used to go to football games, and I kind of stopped because of that.

00:30:28.860 I didn't enjoy it.

00:30:29.600 No, no, I much prefer American sports for that reason.

00:30:32.080 You get fans from different teams sitting next to each other having a good time.

00:30:36.300 I prefer that kind of atmosphere.

00:30:38.100 Yeah, I felt like they were going to know I wasn't into it,

00:30:41.880 and I got the hell out of there.

00:30:43.200 Really?

00:30:43.720 Yeah.

00:30:44.640 You know, the thing that I love about British sports is the banter,

00:30:48.720 is the songs, the cruel songs.

00:30:50.320 They were great. 1.00

00:30:51.000 It's like, I f*** your wife, your mom's a fat bitch, all this stuff. 1.00

00:30:54.520 Yeah, but it's also done with humor. 1.00

00:30:56.220 Yeah, they're more inventive than that, usually.

00:30:57.740 That was very American.

00:30:58.720 Yeah.

00:31:00.180 Like, I went to an L.A. Dodgers. 1.00

00:31:01.440 Your mom was so fat. 0.86

00:31:02.340 Yeah, and I went to an L.A. Dodgers game. 0.95

00:31:04.460 The chant was, let's go, Dodgers, let's go.

00:31:08.140 Yeah.

00:31:08.500 I'm like, come on, boys.

00:31:09.520 That's weak.

00:31:10.280 That is weak.

00:31:11.260 You're right.

00:31:11.700 What's your favorite English football chant?

00:31:13.460 Now we're talking.

00:31:15.120 You know, there's a classic.

00:31:16.860 When you play Liverpool, stand up if you've got a job.

00:31:20.180 You sing to the Scousers.

00:31:22.800 You know.

00:31:23.340 That's good.

00:31:24.340 There's so many.

00:31:25.380 And then there was a guy.

00:31:26.740 You might not get this because it's a European reference.

00:31:29.300 There's a guy who played for Arsenal called Emmanuel.

00:31:33.080 And they used to sing, he's blonde, he's quick. 0.98

00:31:35.060 His name's a porno flick. 0.98

00:31:36.440 Emmanuel, Emmanuel. 0.99

00:31:37.660 Oh, yeah.

00:31:38.140 That's clever.

00:31:39.080 This is good stuff.

00:31:39.960 one of my favorite was

00:31:42.560 there was a player called Gary Neville

00:31:44.240 and he had a brother called Phil Neville

00:31:46.360 and Phil Neville was much worse

00:31:47.860 and all the fans used to sing to him 1.00

00:31:50.160 you're just a shit Phil Neville 1.00

00:31:51.620 is there a guy who's 1.00

00:31:56.460 put on that job

00:31:58.340 who has to figure out the writing

00:31:59.540 it's cool how it just pops up

00:32:01.520 who wrote that?

00:32:03.180 I don't know

00:32:03.740 it's kind of organic

00:32:04.960 that's what's fun about it

00:32:08.140 Are you a sports fan, Mark?

00:32:09.580 I go to games, but I don't really follow it.

00:32:11.720 I'm not one of these fantasy football losers

00:32:14.160 who's just like, you know,

00:32:15.800 keeping tally with a spreadsheet and all that.

00:32:17.980 Like, oh, they traded Johnson.

00:32:19.740 Ah, I got to hit my wife now.

00:32:22.240 I'm not one of those guys,

00:32:23.720 but I love a hockey game.

00:32:25.620 I love a basketball game.

00:32:26.780 I love a football game, tennis, you name it.

00:32:29.540 And you mentioned the hockey thing

00:32:30.800 with the male team and the female team won.

00:32:32.800 I didn't follow it,

00:32:33.560 but I guess people were saying 0.99

00:32:35.400 the female team didn't get enough credit. 1.00

00:32:37.360 Yeah, well, basically. 1.00

00:32:38.380 Did they have a Jewish person leading it, though?

00:32:40.460 No.

00:32:40.980 Because that was the big talking point I heard.

00:32:42.780 It's like, oh, he's one of them.

00:32:44.280 He's a good one.

00:32:45.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:32:45.760 Well, they'd never play sports.

00:32:47.380 Yeah, right. 0.98

00:32:48.880 So I didn't know he was Jewish until he bit that gold medal.

00:32:52.260 But I think the thing was the women's team is very good, and they always win. 0.52

00:32:58.560 Oh, I see.

00:32:59.340 And the men's team hadn't won in, like, 45 years or something crazy.

00:33:03.560 So when the men's team won, it was like, oh, my God, we haven't won in decades.

00:33:06.900 So then Trump called the locker room and they put it on speaker.

00:33:10.760 They're all going nuts with Trump.

00:33:12.340 And people didn't like that. 0.96

00:33:13.800 And he made a joke about the women.

00:33:15.480 He was like, and I guess I got to have the women at the White House, too.

00:33:18.520 And they all laughed.

00:33:19.640 So the women were like, you see, no one respects us. 0.94

00:33:22.320 So I get it.

00:33:23.280 But it's also like, OK, didn't you already hate Trump?

00:33:27.280 So he's just doing another thing you hate.

00:33:29.420 Let's enjoy the win.

00:33:31.180 Yeah, that's such a profound point.

00:33:33.540 We can't enjoy anything anymore.

00:33:35.100 And even I've noticed this.

00:33:36.900 even when you like something now,

00:33:39.280 or when the kids like something,

00:33:40.460 I'm going to sound old,

00:33:41.620 it's always like they're being ironic.

00:33:43.520 They like something ironic.

00:33:45.160 Yes, yes.

00:33:45.620 Just like something.

00:33:46.760 Just like it.

00:33:47.800 It's a cowardly thing, I think.

00:33:50.440 They're insincere,

00:33:52.420 because sincerity takes a little bit of guts.

00:33:54.780 It's too vulnerable.

00:33:56.160 I think they're scared of being vulnerable, 1.00

00:33:57.700 so everything's cringe and dumb and stupid, 1.00

00:34:00.520 so they don't have the balls to actually own something. 1.00

00:34:04.720 You see this with these comics. 0.97

00:34:05.760 These comics go like,

00:34:06.900 mug I took a drink out of here it was a mug shot and you're like why are they doing a thing where

00:34:14.220 they're making fun of stand-up and you're like oh you wrote a bad joke and you can't stand behind it

00:34:19.480 takes a lot of guts to actually write a joke and go I think this joke is good here it is

00:34:23.540 but they have to make it corny on purpose see what I'm saying yeah all right yeah sorry you

00:34:30.180 guys are staring at me I didn't know what was going on no we were listening this is normal

00:34:33.100 behavior all right it's very not an autism world but here it's normal okay look back at us can you

00:34:38.740 do that yes i got an elbow but interestingly enough that's what i love about americans you

00:34:48.420 are more earnest like in britain we can't be earnest you ask a british person to be earnest

00:34:53.660 or kind of some especially middle class british people they'll have like an aneurysm

00:34:57.920 Well, I was trying to be earnest about something,

00:34:59.840 but Americans, you're going to love America.

00:35:02.560 Hey, thanks.

00:35:03.380 Well, you know, we like you guys, too.

00:35:05.660 Not enough to stay there, but we like you.

00:35:07.980 But, yeah, you guys are earnest, aren't you?

00:35:10.480 Nah.

00:35:11.180 Oh, really?

00:35:11.840 Nah.

00:35:12.240 Nah.

00:35:12.520 Okay.

00:35:13.380 No, we're not.

00:35:14.440 No, we're not.

00:35:14.860 We can't.

00:35:15.420 Next time you're in Britain, right,

00:35:17.340 talk to any person and say,

00:35:19.140 why do you love your country?

00:35:20.420 Ooh.

00:35:21.620 You're going to get some hilarious reactions,

00:35:23.960 and none of them are going to be an explanation

00:35:25.840 of why they like their country.

00:35:27.140 Well, that could be like a weird patriotism thing

00:35:29.960 because that's kind of out right now.

00:35:31.700 Yeah.

00:35:32.420 So are you sure that's earnest?

00:35:34.620 Well, partly, but you could ask them anything, really.

00:35:37.540 Anything that requires an honest answer

00:35:39.360 about how you actually feel about something.

00:35:41.580 Okay.

00:35:42.080 You know, why do you love your wife? 1.00

00:35:43.440 They'll make some kind of deprecating joke.

00:35:45.240 Yeah, you're right.

00:35:46.080 No one's going to be like, oh, I love my wife 0.91

00:35:47.600 because she's so sweet and she takes care of me 1.00

00:35:49.500 and big boobs or whatever it is. 1.00

00:35:51.640 And that's just a cultural thing. 0.94

00:35:53.100 By the way, I don't know why I said that.

00:35:54.220 I'm not even into boobs. 0.78

00:35:55.340 Are you into boobs? 0.90

00:35:56.320 Yeah. 0.98

00:35:57.140 What? What question is that?

00:35:59.680 See? This is that threesome again.

00:36:01.520 You're auditioning me. How do we like boobs? 0.99

00:36:03.320 You like tics? 0.78

00:36:03.900 I just like men, you know.

00:36:06.860 I'm not into boobs. 0.99

00:36:08.100 Big boob guy. I like boob and butt. 1.00

00:36:10.320 I don't know why we have to choose one. 0.98

00:36:12.240 I like both. I'm bi.

00:36:15.560 Boob and butt. 0.99

00:36:16.440 I like a small waist. 0.99

00:36:17.560 You're married with a small child, so you denied both.

00:36:20.040 How are you finding parenthood?

00:36:21.540 I'm loving it. I'm loving it.

00:36:23.420 It's okay now. I live out in Brooklyn.

00:36:25.540 I got a little money, so that helps.

00:36:26.940 I can get help, and I can go on the road, do comedy,

00:36:30.960 come back with a check.

00:36:32.540 There you go.

00:36:33.560 Life doesn't hate me.

00:36:35.260 Kid's cute.

00:36:36.440 Life is good.

00:36:37.720 My friend had a good point.

00:36:39.180 I was playing with my kid.

00:36:40.340 We were laughing.

00:36:41.040 We're, like, wrestling. 1.00

00:36:42.260 My wife's cooking up some bullshit. 0.99

00:36:45.080 I had the TV on, and my friend was over, and he's like, 0.99

00:36:47.580 you're not going to know it now, but these are going to be the good times.

00:36:50.500 Later, you're going to go, man, remember that?

00:36:52.660 And, like, it hit me.

00:36:54.800 It's true.

00:36:55.600 It's true.

00:36:56.000 Yeah.

00:36:56.840 Yeah.

00:36:57.120 So you want another one?

00:36:58.940 Yeah.

00:36:59.560 Yeah, me too.

00:37:00.620 Yeah, when have you got it on the way?

00:37:02.160 You already planned the C-section? 0.99

00:37:06.560 That's a great name for a...

00:37:08.560 Never mind.

00:37:10.740 I was going to say The View. 0.98

00:37:12.140 That's the C-section. 1.00

00:37:13.220 That's a bunch of Cs.

00:37:14.540 Okay.

00:37:15.180 Now, well, we want another one,

00:37:17.840 but I keep dropping loads in it,

00:37:19.120 but nothing's happening.

00:37:20.560 What am I missing?

00:37:21.700 Well, a year is not that long.

00:37:24.020 Sometimes it takes a little while.

00:37:25.500 Right.

00:37:25.820 Yeah, we're getting very anatomical here.

00:37:27.740 Well, the first one was, she got the IUD out and it was right, ready to go.

00:37:32.100 Really?

00:37:32.600 Yeah.

00:37:33.020 You're a fertile man.

00:37:34.400 I thought I was, but I can't make number two.

00:37:37.480 I'm having trouble.

00:37:38.640 Well, like I say, it can take a while to recover the fertility for the woman.

00:37:42.360 Oh, is that right? 1.00

00:37:42.960 Is she breastfeeding still? 0.98

00:37:44.160 No, she gave it up. 0.68

00:37:45.520 Did I give it up?

00:37:46.600 Well, she did a couple months.

00:37:48.020 It's like smoking. 0.61

00:37:48.520 A couple months?

00:37:48.980 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:49.400 Why'd she quit?

00:37:50.420 I think she was just saying it was getting too tough.

00:37:53.000 And she has a job, so she couldn't really be like, you know, tit, tit on the Zoom.

00:37:58.040 You haven't retired her. 0.71

00:37:59.300 She wants to work. 0.99

00:38:00.820 I would love to retire her. 1.00

00:38:02.660 Really?

00:38:02.920 She likes it. 1.00

00:38:04.360 You know, she has her own money. 0.99

00:38:06.240 She has purpose, something to do. 1.00

00:38:08.360 What about your lady? 1.00

00:38:09.900 No job. 1.00

00:38:10.900 Not anymore.

00:38:11.700 So it's all baby.

00:38:12.960 No, I mean, no.

00:38:13.600 She does stuff, and she will do other stuff.

00:38:15.320 But right now, she's all in on the baby.

00:38:17.100 Nice.

00:38:17.460 Yeah, and ours is approaching four now, so.

00:38:20.280 Whoa, is that right?

00:38:21.820 Yeah, yeah.

00:38:22.240 Jeez, that flew by.

00:38:23.240 So it's a good time to potentially have another one.

00:38:25.580 Yeah, I'd say so.

00:38:26.500 And you both want another one?

00:38:28.040 Yeah.

00:38:29.260 Awesome, well, it'll happen then.

00:38:30.760 Just keep, you know. 0.95

00:38:32.880 Keep plowing.

00:38:33.280 Keep at it.

00:38:33.900 Keep dropping loads.

00:38:35.200 That's the plan.

00:38:36.140 Do you know what?

00:38:36.580 One of my friends was struggling to have a kid with his wife.

00:38:40.740 And they did all this stuff and all these interventions and nothing worked.

00:38:44.820 And this is a true story, by the way.

00:38:46.520 They then went to a wedding, got absolutely battered.

00:38:50.600 He had a little bit of cheeky and they were just like, you know, a little bit of cheeky.

00:38:55.900 And then he went, you know what?

00:38:57.300 Said to the missus, come on, let's, you know, let's just have fun.

00:39:01.340 Yeah. 0.99

00:39:01.960 Bam.

00:39:02.840 Wow.

00:39:03.660 How about that?

00:39:04.680 Yeah.

00:39:04.860 Can I just say this is not medical advice? 0.99

00:39:09.240 F*** out of the earth. 0.99

00:39:10.600 Do some cheeky. 0.99

00:39:12.980 Wow.

00:39:13.920 See that?

00:39:14.380 I think that's, that's, there's something to that.

00:39:16.180 There is something to that only in the sense that if you chill out and don't put any pressure on it,

00:39:21.500 I think, A, it's more enjoyable and B, more likely to happen, I think.

00:39:24.900 Right.

00:39:25.660 You know?

00:39:25.960 Yeah, I guess you're right.

00:39:26.940 Because I'm now going into it like IDF.

00:39:29.640 You know, hey, we've got to drop some bombs and get in and get out.

00:39:34.820 Do you wear the uniform?

00:39:37.380 Is there really that much collateral damage going on?

00:39:40.140 Well, she has a beeper.

00:39:41.420 Does your wife watch any of the podcast appearances that you do?

00:39:44.700 No, God, no.

00:39:45.900 Yeah, because I don't imagine she does.

00:39:47.660 No, she's cool.

00:39:48.520 I mean, she's with me.

00:39:49.720 She knows what the deal is.

00:39:51.380 She gets it.

00:39:52.220 We do all kinds of horrible things.

00:39:53.860 At the house, I got Tourette's. 0.99

00:39:55.360 I mean, I'm saying crazy shit and jokes, 1.00

00:39:57.820 and I do gay voice. 1.00

00:39:59.180 You guys do gay voice at the house? 0.81

00:40:01.220 What's gay voice? 0.52

00:40:02.340 You know, you open the fridge and you go, 0.99

00:40:03.700 hello, blueberries. 0.91

00:40:06.220 And it's no hate to gay. 0.95

00:40:08.340 It's just so fun to do.

00:40:09.900 It is, isn't it?

00:40:10.900 That's the thing that I actually felt we lost.

00:40:13.560 And maybe we've won it back a little bit,

00:40:15.180 But, like, there was a time when you could be funny about things without immediately being called hateful.

00:40:20.660 Yes, of course. Of course. Yeah, those were the days.

00:40:23.640 And that's what Blazing Saddles was and all that stuff.

00:40:26.800 And we just somehow we just turned a corner where everything's hateful.

00:40:31.000 And I'm like, so I just keep doing it.

00:40:33.280 I'm just going to keep being that guy.

00:40:35.320 And you can yell at me and yell at me, but I'm not going to change.

00:40:37.440 And then hopefully it'll change back.

00:40:39.440 Well, you've written that really well, to be honest.

00:40:41.540 Oh, thanks.

00:40:42.040 You've got the Netflix special.

00:40:43.320 by the time this comes out, I'm sure it's absolutely crushing it. So you are the mainstream

00:40:47.680 now. Yeah, isn't that weird? That's a real sign of a society in decay. I'm the mainstream.

00:40:55.060 I think the opposite, actually. I think through the fact that I think it's a sign of society

00:40:59.640 making a comeback. I've been doing that thing where you tell yourself you'll sort your finances

00:41:05.220 out properly at some point. You know, when life calms down a bit. Spoiler, life does not calm

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00:42:14.280 Code Trigger.

00:42:16.020 Yeah, I just want to have fun.

00:42:17.720 And not everything is a thing.

00:42:19.840 Not everything is activism or an agenda.

00:42:21.560 I'm just trying to, I call my tour mumbo jumbo 0.99

00:42:24.160 because I'm like, it's just silly bullshit. 0.99

00:42:25.940 There's no point. 1.00

00:42:27.520 There's no message.

00:42:28.280 I'm not trying to save the world.

00:42:29.360 I'm a comedian.

00:42:29.840 And that's so important because one of the great things

00:42:34.480 that comedy does is it gives you a break from life.

00:42:37.460 you hope yeah wait he started looking at us now i feel very uncomfortable now you're doing eye

00:42:43.680 contact yeah so you need to chill out a little bit yeah it felt a little intense in the beginning

00:42:47.520 i'm not gonna lie interrogation where were you at the night of the 15th

00:42:50.940 but it's getting better yeah is that a memory you've got mark no no no memory no memory i was

00:42:58.380 not on any island or anything but yeah yeah just uh never been arrested oh i've been arrested

00:43:03.840 Really?

00:43:04.580 Yeah.

00:43:05.420 I thought we all heard.

00:43:06.960 No, I've been questioned by the police, but not arrested.

00:43:09.300 What for?

00:43:11.780 So, this is...

00:43:12.840 There's some sheer stories breaking here.

00:43:15.380 He was on the island.

00:43:16.280 And, yeah, I looked back and didn't inhale.

00:43:19.680 No, I was walking with a friend who was black.

00:43:24.640 And this was in a... 1.00

00:43:26.520 Rubblebrag. 1.00

00:43:28.220 I'm just that kind of guy.

00:43:29.620 And there was somebody put a pint glass through the pub window of the pub down the road. 0.84

00:43:36.300 And they blamed my friend because he was black.

00:43:40.540 So we got stopped in search and whatever else.

00:43:42.920 And it wasn't. 1.00

00:43:43.880 It was just because he was black. 0.96

00:43:45.300 So they blamed him. 1.00

00:43:46.280 Damn. 1.00

00:43:46.700 I thought that was an American thing. 1.00

00:43:48.280 No.

00:43:48.580 That happens over there.

00:43:49.600 No.

00:43:49.900 This was in Essex.

00:43:50.880 And if you know anything about Essex, you'll be like, OK, that kind of makes sense.

00:43:54.440 And this was like in the early noughties. 0.95

00:43:56.380 So everybody was like, oh, the black guy did it.

00:43:58.060 We actually had a game we used to play.

00:44:00.080 We used to go to the sports store, and he used to walk in,

00:44:03.980 and then the security guard would follow him,

00:44:05.920 and he would just do laps of the store with the guy behind him.

00:44:10.100 Yeah, that's fun. 0.99

00:44:11.880 Yeah, if you bring a black guy to a convenience store, you can steal, 1.00

00:44:15.540 because they will take up all the attention. 1.00

00:44:18.960 Fun fact.

00:44:19.780 So the decoy, so how did you get...

00:44:21.240 Decoy, that was his name.

00:44:23.020 Decoy Jones.

00:44:26.160 So what's your story?

00:44:27.420 How did you get arrested?

00:44:28.340 It's all booze-related.

00:44:29.620 I got pulled over drinking and driving.

00:44:33.360 Boy, let's see.

00:44:34.420 One time, this is a bad story.

00:44:37.140 I was a real alcoholic.

00:44:38.260 I had a real problem.

00:44:38.960 And I was at a bar in New Orleans called Balcony Bar.

00:44:42.120 And they had tables out there on this giant balcony

00:44:44.840 and it overlooks Magazine Street, big street in New Orleans.

00:44:48.260 And they have glass ashtrays on all the tables.

00:44:50.200 And I was so drunk, I was just whizzing them off like Frisbees.

00:44:53.180 And you could hear cars like, you know, whatever.

00:44:56.300 whatever. So eventually I throw one and I hear a guy from down there go, what the fuck? I'm going 0.99

00:45:02.580 to kill you. What the hell happened? And I forget all about it. I'm drunk as hell. And I go down 1.00

00:45:06.680 there and the guy's like jumping up and down around his car. He's like, look at this, look at

00:45:10.340 this. And I see a glass ashtray sitting in a windshield, like right in the middle, just sitting

00:45:13.960 there. And he's like, I'll kill whoever did this. That's my, my, my cars, my baby, whatever. And I 0.99

00:45:19.680 was so drunk. I was like, oh, that was me. And so he's like, I'm going to kill you. He starts

00:45:24.400 chasing me. And he's gaining on me. This is a big, big frat guy. He had shorts and a polo shirt and

00:45:29.780 boat shoes. And I'm nervous now. So I start trying to get into cars parked on the sidewalk because

00:45:36.180 I'm so nervous. And I get into a car. It's his car. I see the ashtray in the window. So now he's

00:45:43.200 like, get out of my car. I'm going to kill you. And I'm like, hey, back it up. I'm not going 1.00

00:45:47.560 anywhere. And he starts doing the boop, boop, boop, boop. So the locks are going up all over

00:45:52.340 the car and i keep hitting him down and uh eventually we do this bullshit lap of retards 1.00

00:45:58.380 and he goes and gets a cop the cop comes over pulls me out of the car and uh he tells the guy 0.99

00:46:04.940 like hey back up he's like i'm gonna arrest this guy give me some space pulls me out of the car

00:46:09.940 cuffs me guy runs up hit me i'm dropped to my knees very embarrassing cop picks my limp body 0.51

00:46:17.940 up and puts me in the cop car go to jail drunk tank you know about the drunk tank explain drunk 1.00

00:46:24.480 tank is you know all these idiots go out drinking all night they do something stupid fist fight 1.00

00:46:28.960 whatever they're they're not really bad guys they're just too drunk to drive or function or 1.00

00:46:35.220 whatever so they just throw them in a drunk tank and you just sober up for like two days and then

00:46:39.160 they let you out so they threw me in the drunk tank and i was the only white guy in there and

00:46:43.620 they just throw you in so i'm like and i'm in there i'm the only white guy everybody's hanging

00:46:48.620 out and my phone rings i had a cell phone on me and it's just like and they all were like what

00:46:54.460 you got a phone so then they start ganging up on me they're going through my pockets and uh they

00:46:59.580 get the phone they all call their baby mamas and uh it was the 90s so i was like my minutes

00:47:03.900 i got minutes and uh then eventually they let me out wow and i walked home so you've never done

00:47:10.400 time though no no never done time wow yeah wow you're a wild man mark well we had a crazy time

00:47:17.060 back then i was a feral child my parents just said go get out of the house so uh we used to do a

00:47:21.560 thing where we'd knock we'd take a doc martin stick it out the car window and knock rearview

00:47:27.640 mirrors off cars you guys do that one uh no we do there is there's an equivalent but yeah okay so

00:47:34.000 then we got eventually got caught and a guy chased us in the one of the cars that we knocked the

00:47:38.780 mirror off and uh he was like showing us a knife while driving he had it coming out of the sunroof

00:47:43.740 like i'm gonna kill you and we were like 14 14 year olds we had high school uniforms on

00:47:49.060 and uh he eventually got us in a traffic jam and he came out he started shaking the car big dude 0.98

00:47:54.840 no shirt on because he was in his house just hanging out shaking the car and he's slicing

00:47:59.280 the knife up and down the car so we're freaking out we call the cops on a phone so the cops come

00:48:04.360 oversee him with a knife doing this to the car so they arrest him and we got out of it apparently

00:48:10.240 he had a bunch of priors that doesn't surprise me yeah yeah big asian guy with a ponytail yeah

00:48:16.140 um how was his driving great driving great he had one of those lexuses with the hard top that would

00:48:22.540 go into the trunk i remember so it was like a sporty little car we were in a jeep yeah i mean

00:48:26.660 that's quite an achievement to hold a knife up and drive at the same time oh he was you could

00:48:31.500 see the ponytail waving in the wind i mean this guy was he was uh like a seagal character defying

00:48:37.120 all the stereotypes yeah yeah big buff asian guy so we got a court date we had to go meet him in

00:48:42.680 court because of course he's pressing charges on us we we had this we we stayed up all night making

00:48:47.960 up this horrible story we're gonna say in court we're gonna lie under oath and uh we get to the 0.66

00:48:52.820 courtroom and we're terrified we're in our dumb suits and he didn't show we're like oh he didn't 0.95

00:48:58.860 show what happened they go he killed a guy in a bar fight two nights ago so he's not coming you're 0.96

00:49:02.900 good so we got off wow you were kind of playing with fire a little bit oh yeah that was uh that

00:49:09.660 was my whole childhood i'm lucky to be alive wow drunk driving fist fights you name it good times

00:49:16.000 i just thought you were a bit of a nerd mark no i mean i i guess i am but uh you get a little

00:49:20.560 sauce in me i turn into popeye it's my spinach so you don't drink anymore i'm guessing no i'm

00:49:26.560 hungover now but i don't drink as much i mean before it was like tick tock to blackout really

00:49:33.140 yeah wow that's kind of rare most people if they were like that they they have to go all they have

00:49:39.940 to go down to zero yeah but you just managed to taper off yeah well i had some some scares like

00:49:45.140 that and that kind of and i failed out of college three times i mean uh i got mugged three times in

00:49:50.420 new york just from being drunk so i had a lot of like wake-up calls and eventually i was like all

00:49:55.560 Right. And then you start wanting to be a comedian.

00:49:58.020 You want to have a family. You want to have somewhat of a life.

00:50:00.620 So I had to kind of get my shit together. 0.99

00:50:02.660 Because you grew up in New Orleans. 0.99

00:50:04.380 It's a great town, but it's a wild town, isn't it?

00:50:06.820 Wild. Lawless. You can drink outside.

00:50:08.940 There's a million bars and it's Jazz Fest, Mardi Gras.

00:50:12.520 We get off two weeks for Mardi Gras.

00:50:14.440 Two weeks for parades.

00:50:16.960 What kind of society is that? 1.00

00:50:18.740 Latino society, mate. 1.00

00:50:20.040 Yeah, I guess so. It's La Carnival from Brazil or whatever.

00:50:24.200 But it's just kids running around drinking at, like, 11.

00:50:28.040 And so that must have kind of influenced you in the way that you behave.

00:50:32.580 Maybe.

00:50:33.120 Because if you grew up in a society or a town like that where everybody's wild, everybody's drinking,

00:50:38.580 what are you going to do?

00:50:39.080 Are you going to be a nerd?

00:50:39.740 No, are you going to drink?

00:50:40.760 Yes, of course.

00:50:41.600 And I loved it.

00:50:42.180 You know, I'm an anxiety-fueled weirdo.

00:50:44.900 So that was a nice way to, like, medicate, too, back then.

00:50:48.440 Oh, yeah.

00:50:49.120 That's the thing.

00:50:49.900 That's the thing most people don't talk enough about.

00:50:52.540 When you have a drink problem, they go, oh, my God, it must have been terrible.

00:50:55.940 You're like, yes, it was.

00:50:57.320 But the early days.

00:50:58.880 Ah, fantastic.

00:51:00.920 Had a great time.

00:51:01.820 Wish I could remember it.

00:51:02.760 This is also not medical advice.

00:51:06.240 Well, I don't know.

00:51:07.120 Don't you find life's kind of boring without booze or drugs or cheeky or whatever the hell? 0.92

00:51:14.200 I mean, you guys are killing it. 0.98

00:51:15.700 You're workaholics, maybe.

00:51:17.460 Yeah.

00:51:17.920 Yeah.

00:51:18.240 Yeah.

00:51:18.400 We like work.

00:51:19.240 Me too.

00:51:19.840 Yeah.

00:51:20.000 Yeah.

00:51:20.260 Well, I just watched the Paul McCartney doc.

00:51:23.660 It's not great.

00:51:24.520 All the Beatles meat has been taken, I think.

00:51:27.140 But they squeezed some stuff. 0.98

00:51:28.460 But it was about wings and how he went to sh**. 0.98

00:51:31.420 The Beatles were over. 0.84

00:51:32.860 So then he's like a nobody who had to try to come back up with wings and failure and the bad reviews and all that.

00:51:39.340 But he had one great line.

00:51:41.300 One guy, one interviewer says, you're a workaholic, huh?

00:51:43.960 And he goes, well, I play music.

00:51:46.840 So I'm really a playaholic.

00:51:48.620 And I want to just keep playing.

00:51:49.800 That's how I feel. This is play. Stand up is play. Drinking is play. It's all play.

00:51:56.040 You know, and that's that's a great point, because sometimes you see stand ups and they take it so seriously.

00:52:01.600 Yeah. And they're like, yeah, man, you because what we're doing is we're pushing back against society and we're doing this.

00:52:07.340 And we're the free thinkers. I'm like, you're doing jokes.

00:52:10.060 Yeah. Yeah. You hope they're doing jokes. You know, this this whole save the world thing.

00:52:15.580 Nobody wants that. Some guy works at a mill all day and he's like, all right, I'll scrape together

00:52:19.120 $18. I'll go see a comedy show. And then they're like, racism is bad. Whoa, what a take. Oh my

00:52:26.480 God. I never put that together. Also, that's not funny. Tell me how racism is good. Now we got a

00:52:32.140 joke. Now we got something interesting. Why is racism good? Well, I'm not saying it's good.

00:52:37.480 Somebody's going to clip that some asshole, but it's good. There's some perks, I guess. 0.99

00:52:43.680 Racism's funny.

00:52:44.480 I watched, you know, going back to the 90s scene.

00:52:46.840 It's very funny.

00:52:47.380 I watched Rush Hour.

00:52:48.220 Do you remember Rush Hour?

00:52:49.140 Oh, classic.

00:52:49.720 Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.

00:52:52.540 Hilarious.

00:52:53.420 Hilarious. 1.00

00:52:53.840 The amount of black jokes, Asian jokes, gay jokes, Latino jokes. 1.00

00:52:57.160 It was incredible. 0.96

00:52:58.120 He makes him say the N-word in the movie.

00:52:59.920 He makes Jackie Chan say the N-word.

00:53:02.300 He's like, I don't want to do it.

00:53:03.100 He's like, come on, say it.

00:53:04.880 And he says it.

00:53:05.740 Really?

00:53:06.260 Yeah.

00:53:06.560 I don't remember that.

00:53:08.240 I might have made that part up.

00:53:10.220 But give that a fact check there. 0.63

00:53:12.840 he says you my n-word you my n-word and he's like come on say it he's like all right so he says it

00:53:19.500 and any of the whole theater's laughing yeah you know what i think that everything went to 0.99

00:53:23.320 is like okay you got uh the farrelly brothers i'm a big movie guy they did dumb and dumber

00:53:29.560 something about mary me myself and irene all these fun comedy movies then they made green book 0.78

00:53:35.300 which was a movie about a racist white guy who has to drive around a super smart black guy

00:53:42.780 and it won the it won the oscar those goofballs made all those wacky kooky slapstick comedies 0.91

00:53:51.840 that were all hilarious and then they realized the way the wind was blowing and they said let's 0.93

00:53:56.060 make a movie about a racist guy with a black guy as the lead who's a cellist or whatever he was a 0.99

00:54:01.980 trumpet player and then they won the oscar and then you're like okay fun is out dumb and dumber 1.00

00:54:07.200 is out, that is in. And look, it's a fine 0.99

00:54:09.080 movie, but I'm just saying

00:54:10.440 a shift has been made.

00:54:12.940 That was the shift.

00:54:14.780 You know what I hated about those movies, above

00:54:17.000 all else? It's like, the white 1.00

00:54:19.140 guy was always a bad, evil one. 1.00

00:54:21.200 The black guy was always his paragon of 1.00

00:54:23.020 virtue. And I'm like, just for once, can the

00:54:25.040 black guy be a dick? 1.00

00:54:26.960 Just like black people are in real life, you get 1.00

00:54:29.100 nice ones, you get dicks. Right, well 1.00

00:54:31.060 I'm trying to think there's gotta be some black dicks 1.00

00:54:32.920 in movies. Wait a minute. Well there's gotta be 1.00

00:54:35.120 There's got to be some mean black guys, right? 1.00

00:54:39.220 You get them in the 90s. 1.00

00:54:40.640 Yeah.

00:54:41.060 You know, like when you like Menace to Society, for instance.

00:54:44.400 Or like Boys in the Hood, which is a great movie.

00:54:46.640 Great movie.

00:54:47.320 Which was actually very nuanced.

00:54:49.320 It's just the movies now, it's like,

00:54:51.180 the black person's a hero, the white guy.

00:54:53.120 And it's like, come on. 0.76

00:54:54.380 Right, right, yeah. 0.85

00:54:55.300 White people are brilliant. 0.98

00:54:56.320 Our producer, instead of fact-checking,

00:54:57.780 he's on the phone now.

00:54:58.880 Yeah.

00:54:59.560 Who are you calling?

00:55:00.440 And what are you reporting us for?

00:55:03.000 With Jeffy Chan.

00:55:03.840 he did say the n-word jackie chan said the n-word there we go maybe don't brace your fists like 0.90

00:55:10.920 that oh sorry that was horrible jackie chan then he should be ashamed of himself he owes us all an 0.87

00:55:16.540 apology yeah you know what though the movies have been terrible for a while but we watched

00:55:20.560 nuremberg did you watch that i have not with russell crowe yeah no i saw the ad for it really

00:55:24.900 and very funny as well really yeah sorry i talked over his punchline so he just sounds like he said

00:55:29.780 inspirational and mentored.

00:55:32.500 That is funny.

00:55:33.780 That's a good friend.

00:55:35.360 So just trying to help you out there, mate.

00:55:37.580 But yeah, it's really good.

00:55:39.180 And funny.

00:55:40.380 Okay, funny.

00:55:41.240 Yeah, really funny. 0.95

00:55:42.620 Nuremberg is a bunch of Holocaust stuff. 0.99

00:55:44.820 Yeah. 0.98

00:55:45.180 Okay.

00:55:45.580 Yeah, but they have some funny bits

00:55:47.800 that they've introduced

00:55:48.820 to take the seriousness off it

00:55:51.540 every now and again.

00:55:52.740 It's a really good movie. 1.00

00:55:53.720 Well, Jews are funny. 0.68

00:55:55.020 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:55.260 Wait, are the Jews funny 0.97

00:55:56.260 or the Nazis? 0.94

00:55:56.760 There's not that many Jews in there. 0.93

00:55:58.300 Oh, I thought it was all Nazis.

00:55:59.300 It's kind of after the war, so the numbers are down a little bit, Mark.

00:56:02.980 I don't know how closely you followed it.

00:56:05.660 Yeah.

00:56:07.020 I think it's all a hoax. 1.00

00:56:09.020 But, no, what Jews you can still trash, I've noticed. 1.00

00:56:14.640 Oh, yeah, absolutely. 1.00

00:56:15.880 That's kind of popular right now, isn't it?

00:56:17.540 Very popular.

00:56:18.540 And they get no victim credits or victim points, which is weird.

00:56:23.020 Yeah.

00:56:23.280 Because I thought, hey, we're all about helping the downtrodden.

00:56:26.980 Well, they're having a tough go. 1.00

00:56:29.060 Ah, f*** them. 1.00

00:56:30.760 What do you think that's about? 1.00

00:56:31.620 Well, I think it's because people think Jews have lots of money and power,

00:56:35.920 which isn't true. 0.96

00:56:37.200 A lot of them are poor.

00:56:38.460 Sure.

00:56:39.580 Yeah, I mean, the word ghetto, I think, is a Jewish word.

00:56:42.540 Yeah. 0.95

00:56:43.220 Maybe?

00:56:43.820 Okay. 1.00

00:56:44.540 They didn't do it like black people, though. 1.00

00:56:46.220 No, no, no. 0.96

00:56:47.220 Like, if you said he's ghetto, like... 1.00

00:56:49.300 Right, right.

00:56:50.300 Not the same.

00:56:52.080 You're not thinking of the Warsaw ghetto, are you?

00:56:54.240 No.

00:56:54.780 No, no.

00:56:55.900 No, you're not.

00:56:56.560 That's a good point.

00:56:57.380 Yeah.

00:56:57.980 Oh, that's a point. I lost it.

00:56:59.660 Sorry. Yeah, we'll come back to it, but...

00:57:01.460 Well, you were saying something about the Holocaust being hugged.

00:57:03.640 Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, come on. 0.56

00:57:05.660 Six million. I see Jews every day. 1.00

00:57:10.020 You know what's weird about Jews? They ask me 1.00

00:57:11.640 if I'm Jewish. I walk through Brooklyn, and they're like,

00:57:13.420 you Jewish? You Jewish? I'm like, no, but it's weird that you don't

00:57:15.640 know. Like, also, it's weird to

00:57:17.640 hate Jews when you can't even tell who's a Jew. 0.74

00:57:20.260 You know what I mean? Like, you hate black people 1.00

00:57:21.740 or Asians. Especially Asians. 1.00

00:57:23.860 You can eyeball it. 1.00

00:57:24.580 but uh jews you have to be like what's your last name how's your penis you know uh where you're 0.99

00:57:31.400 from but even that like america american men are mostly circumcised right it's uh going down 0.98

00:57:38.540 every day but yeah mostly i'd say well and why is that yeah why do you well i think we have a lot of

00:57:43.820 uh influx of people coming in and i think there's a hygienic thing and involved or some people think

00:57:50.200 it's wrong it's wrong what foreskins are wrong no no cutting it is wrong right yeah because what

00:57:56.260 i'm asking is like you know in other in other places like britain the only people who would 0.98

00:58:00.700 be circumcised are people who do it for religious reasons so jews and muslim right whereas here you

00:58:04.960 get other types of americans who also get circumcised yeah yeah well i think it there

00:58:10.240 was a big mutilation uh movement you know it's circumcision all right okay but are you guys

00:58:16.260 hooded? Yes, thank you. Oh, you got a cap on the toothpaste right now. Wow, now I can't stop

00:58:24.080 picturing it. And you're not? No, I'm wide open. I'm at graduation. My hat's off.

00:58:30.620 Hats off to you. Yeah, yeah. My head is out there. It's like a squirrel coming out of a tree.

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01:00:21.060 You know, do you get, as somebody like I get mistaken for being Jewish all the time,

01:00:25.920 you know, have you ever been in a Jewish wedding where people start, I remember once I was at a

01:00:30.180 Jewish wedding, and someone goes to me,

01:00:32.020 oh, what synagogue do you go to? And I went,

01:00:34.140 I don't. They went, what, you don't go to synagogue?

01:00:36.720 What does your mother say? I'm like,

01:00:37.900 I'm Catholic. And she just refused

01:00:40.280 to accept that I'm Jewish. 0.94

01:00:42.500 Well, you're not Jewish. Yeah. 0.98

01:00:44.280 We refuse to accept that I'm not Jewish.

01:00:46.620 And I guess,

01:00:48.240 like, I don't know, I've forgotten what my point is.

01:00:52.300 Let's do what we did last time and just end the show.

01:00:54.300 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:56.480 Yeah, they want you to be Jewish.

01:00:58.820 Yeah. But

01:00:59.840 But I guess my point is, it's like, no, I've forgotten.

01:01:04.180 I've forgotten.

01:01:04.660 You started.

01:01:05.320 I tried to get you back.

01:01:06.680 Circumcision.

01:01:07.340 Yes. 0.60

01:01:08.020 Nuremberg.

01:01:09.000 Yes.

01:01:09.400 I guess my point is, but the reason I kind of kept it is the knowledge that, like, if 0.93

01:01:14.280 things go south of the Jews, my real concern is, like, I'm going to get bundled in. 0.92

01:01:18.760 Oh.

01:01:19.480 You think that when the Nazis arrive, they're going to be like, pants down, let us see your 1.00

01:01:23.680 penis? 1.00

01:01:24.800 I don't think that's going to happen. 1.00

01:01:26.340 They're going to take one look at your face.

01:01:28.480 That's my concern.

01:01:29.580 Genuinely.

01:01:30.280 Genuinely.

01:01:30.720 Because when the Jew stuff, when the anti-Semitism starts rising, 0.76

01:01:34.220 I kind of feel invested. 0.99

01:01:35.580 Oh, I see.

01:01:36.180 So what you're saying is when the Nazis do come back,

01:01:38.960 you'll just drop your pants and be like, I'm not one of them.

01:01:41.720 Yeah, I'm not.

01:01:42.640 Look. 1.00

01:01:43.280 And you'll start speaking Spanish as well, which annoys me. 1.00

01:01:45.840 You should be short just for that. 1.00

01:01:48.220 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:48.740 And they'll go, oh, it's a Venezuelan Jew, get in the van. 1.00

01:01:50.900 But I guess that's my concern. 1.00

01:01:54.900 Because, look, you're pretty much the way there. 1.00

01:01:56.940 You kind of look Jewish. 0.85

01:01:58.100 You're a comedian.

01:01:58.860 You're funny.

01:01:59.420 New York.

01:02:00.320 New York.

01:02:01.200 Yeah, yeah.

01:02:01.540 No hood.

01:02:02.160 No hood. 0.99

01:02:03.340 Neurotic, angsty. 0.98

01:02:04.620 Yeah, you got it.

01:02:05.980 I mean, you've got the whole set.

01:02:07.400 I got the whole set.

01:02:08.300 I can throw a ball, though.

01:02:10.700 That'll be my proof. 1.00

01:02:12.180 And they go, you Jewish? 1.00

01:02:13.120 I'm going to go, watch this spiral. 0.92

01:02:14.940 And they're going, all right, he's good.

01:02:17.900 A ton of Jewish football players.

01:02:21.200 You get some hockey players.

01:02:22.960 We got one.

01:02:23.580 We got one now.

01:02:24.460 Or one or two. 0.99

01:02:25.960 Beckham's apparently Jewish. 1.00

01:02:27.280 No, he's too handsome. 1.00

01:02:29.160 No, yeah.

01:02:29.560 All right. 1.00

01:02:32.060 He's not Jewish.

01:02:33.300 Yeah, he's come out and he says that he's got Jewish heritage.

01:02:35.860 Yeah.

01:02:36.140 Oh, Jewish heritage. 1.00

01:02:36.980 This is a bad time to be outing yourself like that. 1.00

01:02:39.160 Yeah, that's true.

01:02:40.480 I mean, look, he's ultra successful.

01:02:43.040 He's made, you know, very rich.

01:02:45.840 How many banks does he own?

01:02:49.840 He owns arguably one of the biggest football clubs in the world

01:02:52.280 because of Messi now and into Miami.

01:02:54.140 Oh.

01:02:54.920 You know, he's a successful guy.

01:02:57.020 Is he done?

01:02:57.880 He's done.

01:02:58.600 playing oh yeah of course long time ago so but he's just set for life yeah wow must be a billionaire

01:03:04.760 at this point or a billionaire but in terms of assets maybe yeah so yeah is is david beckham a

01:03:11.360 billionaire or is he jewish same same thing really oh then he's not because on the mother's side

01:03:19.380 yeah no wait well that was it was his mom's dad maternal grandfather oh maternal oh you're right

01:03:26.940 This is like that meeting the Nazis had before the war

01:03:29.280 where they were trying to work out who goes in the camps. 0.76

01:03:34.020 He's a quarter-joist, but he's down the miles of line. 0.55

01:03:38.400 Is he a billionaire, though?

01:03:40.420 But I bet if he had his wife's money in,

01:03:43.340 that kicks it up a bit. 0.99

01:03:43.880 No, because he was having to bail her out 0.75

01:03:45.480 because her fashion company was...

01:03:46.920 Oh, the spice money's over.

01:03:49.680 He's not a billionaire after he married his wife.

01:03:52.660 Well, you know that super old joke?

01:03:54.020 It's actually my mum's favourite joke. 1.00

01:03:55.480 can a woman make her husband a millionaire? 0.90

01:03:58.700 Yes, but if he's a billionaire.

01:04:00.420 Ooh, that's good.

01:04:02.400 That's a great joke.

01:04:03.720 And you hate to be that guy, 1.00

01:04:05.200 but all the richest women in America 1.00

01:04:06.960 divorced from billionaires and millionaires. 1.00

01:04:11.220 Yeah.

01:04:11.880 Sad to say.

01:04:12.620 Not true in Australia. 1.00

01:04:13.440 You know, the richest person in Australia is a woman. 0.99

01:04:15.480 Okay. 1.00

01:04:16.020 She actually worked for it. 0.99

01:04:17.120 What'd she do? 1.00

01:04:17.900 She owns a bunch of, like, coal 1.00

01:04:19.400 and other, like, big industrial assets. 1.00

01:04:22.200 Good for her. 1.00

01:04:23.160 Lesbian? 1.00

01:04:24.560 Let's do the eyeball test, Billy. 1.00

01:04:26.760 Is she lesbian? 1.00

01:04:28.440 We need a name. 1.00

01:04:29.300 She kind of, you know.

01:04:31.400 She could be. 1.00

01:04:32.280 Richest woman, Australia, lesbian. 1.00

01:04:34.220 Could be. 1.00

01:04:34.940 Could be.

01:04:35.900 Could be.

01:04:36.360 Are we going to?

01:04:37.520 Are we going to?

01:04:38.820 Let's find out.

01:04:39.940 Yeah.

01:04:41.180 Billy's sweating at this point.

01:04:44.020 You're really starting to appreciate Jamie.

01:04:45.580 Yeah.

01:04:46.220 Yeah.

01:04:46.540 I mean, Jamie would have had this done.

01:04:48.120 I think Jamie's working with a computer and not an iPhone.

01:04:51.120 That's true.

01:04:51.760 But, you know. 1.00

01:04:52.640 Billie's got four fingers up.

01:04:53.760 I don't know what that means.

01:04:55.220 Oh, well, what is that?

01:04:56.360 That doesn't mean anything.

01:04:57.620 Can you answer our question, though?

01:04:59.200 She's got four children, but... 0.99

01:05:00.600 Could be adopted. 1.00

01:05:01.580 Could be a surrogate.

01:05:03.640 Inseminated.

01:05:04.920 Knowledge.

01:05:05.620 Okay.

01:05:06.380 There you go.

01:05:07.220 There you go.

01:05:07.660 Mazel tov.

01:05:08.140 What's the name? 0.95

01:05:08.720 We've got to shout her out. 1.00

01:05:09.880 Gina Reinhardt. 1.00

01:05:10.960 Gina. 1.00

01:05:11.840 Now, some guy's got to marry her and divorce. 1.00

01:05:14.600 That's the plan. 1.00

01:05:15.640 Presumably, she's already married, I would think.

01:05:17.720 That's true.

01:05:18.320 Well, he's got to pull out of that marriage and get that cash.

01:05:22.360 Maybe he's happy, Mark.

01:05:23.640 I'm just joking.

01:05:24.580 No, but maybe he is.

01:05:25.480 I'm just saying.

01:05:26.020 It's so cynical.

01:05:27.060 Fun when it goes the other way sometimes.

01:05:29.460 I think Britney Spears got raked through the coals with her husband. 0.98

01:05:33.100 Yeah. 0.99

01:05:34.200 What's happening with Britney Spears?

01:05:35.820 Because literally the last time I saw Britney Spears,

01:05:38.300 it was like 30 years ago with Hit Me Baby One More Time.

01:05:42.000 I haven't followed her since.

01:05:43.220 And then I opened my Instagram the other day

01:05:45.020 and she's like there with the knife. 0.71

01:05:46.400 Yes, yes.

01:05:47.140 What's happened?

01:05:47.920 She just got a DUI actually recently.

01:05:49.580 I think she's in jail or something.

01:05:51.320 But I think that's another great sign of the shift.

01:05:55.740 You know, Britney Spears, fun, cleavage, pop star, here we go.

01:05:59.820 And then, ah, I can't take it anymore.

01:06:01.900 I'm on pills. 1.00

01:06:02.740 I want to cut you with a knife. 1.00

01:06:03.980 I'm dancing alone in my underwear. 1.00

01:06:06.240 Something happened.

01:06:07.140 Sounds kind of sexy, actually.

01:06:08.480 Yeah, sure. 1.00

01:06:09.460 Britney Spears alone in her underwear. 1.00

01:06:10.340 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:10.680 Yeah, watch out, though. 1.00

01:06:11.740 She'll cut the hood right off with those dinner knives.

01:06:16.320 So are you hopeful for America, Mark?

01:06:18.180 I'm hopeful, yeah.

01:06:19.140 well you know things always come back you know like uh things always change you know like the 0.92

01:06:25.880 the word gay when i was a kid was an insult now it's like cool yeah so that's that's progress

01:06:31.780 so you never know where things are gonna go you know um look at uh wait hold on where is it a good 0.99

01:06:40.300 thing to be gay yeah i think in new york if you if you're in the arts you go hey i'm bi yeah there's

01:06:46.740 A lot of people pretending to be bi, a lot of people pretending to be autistic.

01:06:49.280 But that's just straight people who want in on the action, right?

01:06:51.760 That's what I'm saying.

01:06:52.460 Yeah.

01:06:52.880 Oh, I see what you're saying, right?

01:06:53.980 Yeah, yeah. 0.98

01:06:54.780 But I think real, regular gay, people are like, 0.69

01:06:56.640 oh, we got to have a gay guy in this movie. 0.94

01:06:58.540 Call that guy. 0.99

01:06:59.460 So that's a plus. 0.99

01:07:00.780 But you see, why do you want a gay guy in your movie? 0.86

01:07:03.220 This is Hollywood. 0.60

01:07:04.020 There's loads of them.

01:07:05.000 You probably got loads of them in your movie. 1.00

01:07:06.520 Well, I think we just count any minority as better. 0.99

01:07:11.880 You know, or Hollywood does. 0.96

01:07:13.820 Yeah.

01:07:14.560 So.

01:07:14.960 You ever thought about going bi for the roles?

01:07:20.160 I just, I could lie.

01:07:22.760 It's one of the things you can't really prove.

01:07:24.620 So I can say I'm bi, but I don't want to be one of those guys 0.68

01:07:28.500 because then I'm just another liar.

01:07:31.360 I think that's what you should have to do. 0.99

01:07:33.160 If you're going to declare that you're bi at the audition,

01:07:35.800 there you go, okay, Mr. Smith, please drop your pants.

01:07:38.640 Yeah, well.

01:07:39.320 Mark, let's see it.

01:07:40.940 I heard, and get your fingers ready there. 0.91

01:07:43.560 I heard that in Russia, if you're gay, you don't have to serve in the army. 0.81

01:07:50.880 Really? 1.00

01:07:51.420 But you have to prove it.

01:07:53.040 But you have to prove it.

01:07:53.980 Yes.

01:07:54.420 This sounds a little far-fetched to me. 0.91

01:07:56.340 Oral does not count. 0.99

01:07:58.060 So you've got to send a video in of you doing anal or whatever. 0.99

01:08:03.320 Giving or receiving? 0.99

01:08:04.820 Either.

01:08:06.020 You hope to give.

01:08:07.780 Yeah, I think you do.

01:08:09.120 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:09.500 That's not as gay. 0.89

01:08:10.740 Exactly. 0.98

01:08:11.720 I mean, if it's a choice between...

01:08:14.040 It's a great episode.

01:08:14.940 I'm trying to...

01:08:15.440 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:15.720 Between receiving and fighting in Ukraine,

01:08:18.880 I mean, which one would you pick? 0.94

01:08:20.300 Yeah, you're getting f***ed either way. 0.95

01:08:21.760 Yeah. 0.97

01:08:22.200 That's a good question.

01:08:23.900 Yeah, Billy, go on.

01:08:24.960 It might be another official thing,

01:08:26.380 but there's no legal ban on cases going down there. 0.99

01:08:28.640 Ah, damn it. 0.99

01:08:29.880 Where did I see that? 0.99

01:08:31.000 There's no legal ban.

01:08:32.500 Is there a legal ban anywhere in that area?

01:08:35.580 On case in the military. 0.99

01:08:36.480 Because it could be like Slovakia or some s*** that I'm forgetting.

01:08:39.660 Lithuania, somewhere.

01:08:40.660 We're all the same two, are we, Mark?

01:08:43.480 Just vodka monkey, angry people. 1.00

01:08:47.480 Scary whites. 1.00

01:08:49.080 I'm not saying you guys. 1.00

01:08:50.080 I'm talking about that.

01:08:50.960 I'm from Russia originally.

01:08:52.000 Oh, that's right.

01:08:52.540 Do you not know that?

01:08:53.000 Yeah, I forgot that.

01:08:54.260 Yeah, you really throw that around.

01:08:56.240 Yeah, yeah.

01:08:57.720 Good timing on that one.

01:08:59.580 Yeah.

01:08:59.980 Or bad timing.

01:09:00.760 Or bad timing.

01:09:01.560 Yeah.

01:09:02.040 So, Billy, is anywhere in Eastern Europe that bans gays from the military?

01:09:06.620 Eastern Europe. 0.93

01:09:07.720 That's the word you were looking for.

01:09:08.780 Yeah.

01:09:08.940 Two words, in fact.

01:09:10.320 I think being gay was almost illegal in Russia.

01:09:14.100 Yeah.

01:09:15.040 Well, yeah, in the Soviet Union, it was illegal.

01:09:17.000 Okay.

01:09:17.800 Wow, what a weird thing to call the cops on.

01:09:20.000 It's all two guys kissing. 0.97

01:09:21.460 Get over here. 0.96

01:09:22.640 They're breaking the law. 1.00

01:09:23.600 I mean, it was gay in the UK until, what, 1964, I think it is? 1.00

01:09:27.380 Still is gay. 1.00

01:09:28.100 Yeah. 0.91

01:09:29.920 It was illegal.

01:09:30.760 It was illegal.

01:09:31.680 Illegal, yeah. 1.00

01:09:33.040 It was illegal to be gay. 0.94

01:09:35.300 Wow. 0.93

01:09:36.180 Yeah.

01:09:36.860 Crazy.

01:09:37.220 So they're not banned in any particular areas officially,

01:09:40.400 but there's apparently a Don't Ask, Don't Tell or something.

01:09:42.760 Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

01:09:44.400 Yeah. 0.92

01:09:44.740 Okay.

01:09:45.800 You know what?

01:09:46.740 I'm going to be controversial here.

01:09:48.260 Yeah. 0.99

01:09:48.660 I kind of like Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

01:09:50.820 I like it with everything.

01:09:52.040 I don't want to know anything about it yet.

01:09:53.620 Yeah.

01:09:54.360 So what do I need to know?

01:09:55.860 I've never looked into it.

01:09:56.920 What does Don't Ask, Don't Tell actually mean?

01:09:58.360 It means you just shut your mouth and keep it to yourself.

01:10:01.100 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:01.340 He's clearly gay. 1.00

01:10:02.560 I'm not going to ask him. 1.00

01:10:03.580 And don't tell me either.

01:10:04.540 And we'll just move on about our day.

01:10:06.140 Yeah.

01:10:07.220 What you do in the privacy of your own home is cool.

01:10:10.380 Yeah.

01:10:10.880 Yeah.

01:10:11.360 Don't ask, don't tell sounds kind of progressive.

01:10:13.380 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:13.720 You do your s***. 0.99

01:10:15.120 You know, it's like libertarian. 1.00

01:10:16.680 I'll do my s***, leave me alone. 0.98

01:10:18.440 And that's a good way of being. 0.97

01:10:20.480 I think that's the problem now.

01:10:21.960 We don't do enough don't ask, don't tell.

01:10:23.880 Yes, you're right.

01:10:24.620 Now we come out as a woman, as a Jew, as a Russian, as a gay, lesbian,

01:10:30.080 whatever you guys are, we just come out with it.

01:10:32.360 Yeah. 0.97

01:10:32.620 I love the way he pointed at you when he said gay, lesbian. 0.99

01:10:34.980 Gay, lesbian. 0.99

01:10:35.440 I mean, I do look like a lesbian. 0.97

01:10:37.680 However.

01:10:38.820 Unlike Gina Reinhardt.

01:10:41.500 I'm going to be in trouble.

01:10:43.160 However, I genuinely think that.

01:10:45.520 And this comes to opinions.

01:10:46.780 We don't need to know every one of your opinions.

01:10:49.360 No.

01:10:49.780 And saying as or whatever doesn't make you worthier or anything.

01:10:55.120 Just be you.

01:10:56.540 Yeah.

01:10:57.480 And I long for the day when we just, you know what?

01:11:00.900 When you just go and watch the football or whatever else. 0.77

01:11:04.540 Let's not talk about Iran. 0.93

01:11:06.920 Right, right.

01:11:07.780 Because of the show, I always, and I know Constance does as well,

01:11:10.520 people come up to us and they want to talk about politics,

01:11:12.320 and I get it, and I'm just like, can we just not?

01:11:15.540 Yeah, enough's enough.

01:11:17.340 I'm curing for the urinal.

01:11:18.580 Can we just call it just for a minute, you know?

01:11:22.240 Let's talk Bonnie Blue. 1.00

01:11:24.940 So she is pregnant. 1.00

01:11:26.880 Well, she slept with 1,000 men in a day. 1.00

01:11:30.420 Is that how she got pregnant? 1.00

01:11:31.800 I assume.

01:11:32.440 I don't think she's going on extra credit after that.

01:11:36.240 Well, if you and wife continue to struggle.

01:11:38.660 Oh.

01:11:41.040 Could I watch?

01:11:42.500 All right.

01:11:43.300 We'll get you a little destiny tag in the corner.

01:11:46.300 No, did you see that tweet that went viral the other day?

01:11:48.820 It's a guy who got a message from Bonnie Blue.

01:11:51.800 I did on LinkedIn.

01:11:53.300 Yes.

01:11:53.760 What happened?

01:11:54.760 So he got a message from Bonnie Blue in 2020

01:11:57.960 when her, under her real name,

01:12:00.020 which is Tia Billinger, I think it is,

01:12:01.920 when she was a recruitment consultant.

01:12:04.200 Okay.

01:12:04.800 And he was just like, hey, really nice to see you.

01:12:07.920 Have you thought about applying for these jobs?

01:12:09.820 And he's like, man, this lady has taken,

01:12:12.020 her career has taken a turn.

01:12:14.300 She's world famous. 0.88

01:12:15.660 Yeah.

01:12:16.040 Why did you want to talk about Bonnie Blue? 0.91

01:12:17.740 She's British, right?

01:12:18.680 Yes. 0.94

01:12:18.980 Okay, well, I think the Ayatollah 1.00

01:12:22.060 are like guys waiting to fuck Bonnie Blue 1.00

01:12:24.380 because they're just in line. 0.99

01:12:26.340 There's one after another 1.00

01:12:27.240 and they're just waiting to get fucked. 1.00

01:12:28.920 All right. 1.00

01:12:29.500 I forced it in like Harvey.

01:12:32.860 Cut that.

01:12:33.840 That was terrible.

01:12:34.800 No, that was good.

01:12:35.980 But we actually interviewed her.

01:12:38.620 Like, you know, you know, you know, there's like a Messi and Ronaldo of the only fans shagging everyone.

01:12:44.020 So there's Bonnie Blue and there's Lily Phillips.

01:12:46.300 Yes, that's right. 1.00

01:12:47.180 We had Lily Phillips on the show.

01:12:48.820 And I wasn't sexually. 0.99

01:12:51.380 Did you plow her?

01:12:53.180 I'm a happily married man.

01:12:54.780 That was for the, you know, that was for the Patreon.

01:12:57.920 Oh, nice.

01:12:58.940 You got to see.

01:13:00.720 Paywall content.

01:13:01.740 Paywall content.

01:13:02.920 We had to pay them to watch that.

01:13:05.540 Exactly.

01:13:06.060 Could you ever be one of those guys in line?

01:13:08.280 No.

01:13:08.900 That would be horrible.

01:13:10.780 I don't know that I'd be able to perform under those circumstances.

01:13:14.460 Yeah, especially looking at who's before you.

01:13:16.760 Right.

01:13:17.360 Ugh.

01:13:18.220 And the balaclava thing, like, wouldn't that make you feel kind of claustrophobic?

01:13:22.080 What's that?

01:13:22.820 A balaclava's, uh...

01:13:24.140 Ski mask.

01:13:24.780 Ski mask.

01:13:25.240 What?

01:13:26.680 I didn't know that.

01:13:27.740 Yeah, loads of those dudes

01:13:28.760 because they want to hide their identity.

01:13:30.360 Therefore, they wear the ski mask.

01:13:31.580 Whoa.

01:13:32.600 Well, could you say in a weird way 1.00

01:13:34.080 she's curing the loneliness epidemic? 1.00

01:13:36.900 A lot of incels out there. 1.00

01:13:38.400 Bonnie Blue comes to town.

01:13:40.340 They get a little relief.

01:13:42.700 Yeah.

01:13:43.200 I mean, Andrew Schultz in that very seat 1.00

01:13:45.320 said that she's curing grooming gangs. 0.98

01:13:48.100 She's the solution to our grooming gangs.

01:13:49.580 Oh, that's not bad. 0.90

01:13:51.220 Yeah.

01:13:51.560 I like that.

01:13:52.600 Yeah.

01:13:53.140 It's a weird phenomenon, isn't it?

01:13:54.940 It just shows how the internet just distorts everything.

01:13:58.840 Completely.

01:13:59.960 I think, too, they always say, like in Roman times, 1.00

01:14:02.700 the end of society is crazy, promiscuous women, gender stuff, 0.99

01:14:07.720 and then something else. 1.00

01:14:09.820 And it's a lot of shit. 1.00

01:14:10.840 They're like, oh, we're in that. 1.00

01:14:12.280 Well, inflation and war.

01:14:13.680 There it is.

01:14:14.780 And we have all that.

01:14:15.920 So we just happen to be born in this crazy... 1.00

01:14:18.000 We've had a lot of shit go on, 1.00

01:14:19.780 just the pandemic and school shootings and fentanyl and war. 0.99

01:14:24.940 and gaza and ukraine and i mean the list goes on blm me too you know it never ends this is a lot

01:14:33.600 of stuff we're taking in and i don't we're evolved for it mark uh before we go oh is there anything

01:14:39.720 we forgot to talk about he's turned away from me again he's like you're serious i scared him

01:14:44.120 i feel like i let you down on that i was i was going off on a topic and then you're like all

01:14:47.660 right we gotta get out of here uh no we've been talking for like an hour and 15. oh geez well

01:14:53.940 after editing we'll get that down about 31 no let's see what do we want to talk well i wanted

01:14:59.980 to bring up the anti-fun i think that's a real problem in our our society all over the world

01:15:04.520 it's a global thing i will say i went to australia and it feels like america in the 90s yeah 0.89

01:15:09.740 everyone's thin they're on coke and you can say retard it's a fun place their politics are a little 0.92

01:15:14.700 kooky but uh i like it over there well everyone's getting thin here now as well have you noticed 0.98

01:15:19.860 that i got a bit about the body positivity movement was a sham they lied to us yeah they

01:15:25.260 all wanted to be slim yeah there's a shocker and these fat they made us call them pretty

01:15:29.920 yeah what the hell and then they took the jab and now they're happy well no they're not they're

01:15:34.920 slim they're still yeah they're still not happy but lizzo was the fat champion now she's getting 0.76

01:15:39.540 skinny oh is she yeah i like fat lizzo i stood behind her you just couldn't see me but uh yeah

01:15:45.820 yeah she's getting skinny now and you're like i like when reality kicks in that's very fun for

01:15:51.360 me like did you see there's a girl who identifies as a dog and she got attacked by a dog and it's 0.72

01:15:58.720 on video it's a real story pull that one up chachi dog bites dog yeah exactly so you want to play in

01:16:05.840 these waters you know you're gonna get bit yeah so my final question always the same what's the

01:16:11.620 one thing we're not talking about that we really should be uh the climate no um what do you think

01:16:21.120 about the climate uh i think i think you know the glaciers are melting we are losing coral reef

01:16:26.980 but um i think uh i think we do overblow it i think people use it it's kind of like a guy with

01:16:34.680 anxiety sure he might want to fly with his dog but that doesn't mean everybody wants to fly with

01:16:39.460 their dog. And I think here's something we need to be talking about. Two things can exist. We need

01:16:45.040 to come back to that world where two things can exist. You know, we go, hey, trans is a real 0.99

01:16:49.080 thing. These people deserve rights. You shouldn't be mean to them. But also, maybe not every actress

01:16:55.900 has 17 trans kids. Two things can exist. Because if you go, hey, this lady has nine trans children,

01:17:03.020 feels a little off statistically. And people go, whoa, what are you trans? And you're like, 1.00

01:17:07.180 no, I'm just saying, I'm with, I'm believing this, but I'm just saying, this is bullshit. 0.99

01:17:14.260 Two things can be true. I wish we could come back to that. You know, we just go right for 0.97

01:17:18.320 the jugular immediately. Everyone's running off emotion. So let's go back to the world where two

01:17:21.960 things can be true. Awesome to have you on. Everybody go watch the special. But before

01:17:26.300 you do that, head on over to triggerpod.co.uk where Mark's going to answer your questions.

01:17:32.140 With more comics today having podcasts with huge followings,

01:17:35.300 do you think they'll become more politically influential like Theo Rogan were with Trump?

01:17:39.900 Where's this all going?

01:18:05.300 You

TRIGGERnometry - April 12, 2026

The Funniest Conversation We've Ever Had - Mark Normand

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