BANKAS PODCAST #109 ｜ CALGARY LURK WITH ARMIN ARBABI & ARI SHIELD
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
166.78183
Summary
In this episode of the Bankist Podcast, Ben and I talk about the craziest things we've ever done in a day, and the crazy things we did in the past week. We also talk about what's going on in the world, and some of our favourite movies and tv shows.
Transcript
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I mean, that was the first 4 p.m. show that I did
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But they started to fill the fuck up, and it was fucking sick.
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And the fans were so hype and so mad that that venue canceled.
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I did a great little bit about it that I'm probably going to keep doing.
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but just talking about the Native Reserves and shit.
00:01:52.000
Yeah, you know, it's been a pretty chill nine shows, or I think it's ten, nine shows total from Grand Prairie, three and four, Calgary, that's five, six, Red Deer, seven, tomorrow, eight, nine, ten, ten shows.
00:02:11.000
And I think we hit, we broke the record for, well, I broke the record.
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But we broke the record for the most liquor sales and most food sales, food and beverage sales at Elbow River Casino.
00:02:48.000
I don't think the regular people could order Chinese food, though.
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And when this podcast comes out, they'll either have won and lost again.
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I feel like Ari's like, if being a tie was a person.
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I don't like to, I don't like to take sides in a fight.
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Yeah, and then secretly like videos of like blown up buildings in Gaza.
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I see which side's going to win and then I pretend I was on that side the whole time.
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I like the videos where they search through the rubble and then they can't find anyone.
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I mean, we can't, I thought it was a comedy board case.
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I'd be more upset if they were targeting comedians in Gaza, but there aren't any.
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Honestly, it might be really funny if you're growing up like that.
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Canada's Got Talent is just going to be like the mangled refugees of war torn countries.
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That's what it's going to be because that's what they like.
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But didn't you see the Palestinian girl in Montreal going up to like Halloween decorations?
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Yeah, but people don't even know what I'm talking about.
00:05:05.000
She was going up to people with Halloween decorations outside their house being like,
00:05:21.000
Yeah, it's funny if I'm doing an impression of it.
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I mean, look, it's funny that they're getting upset at Halloween.
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I mean, the whole religions just get mad stuff.
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That's most religions except for like Buddhism.
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He's going to ride off his talent for his whole career.
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This guy got microphones and cameras just to insult his friends.
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Now, you know, I'm just I'm just I'm just watching the podcast.
00:06:30.000
Just over there in your parents house making frozen dinners with dad.
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your parents house making frozen dinners for dad no my dad makes dinner what the fuck kind of life
00:06:46.600
i'm at a tv dinner with a fucking dying father what the fuck man
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no harry lives a very fulfilling life he has sex with girls with armpit hair in brooklyn that's
00:06:58.780
as good as it gets didn't you have sex with a girl who had like down syndrome or something
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no that's a crazy thing to say no what was the disease of the woman that you had sex it's
00:07:09.580
it's called it's called pots pots which is oh that's coming to potstown uh by the way
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pennsylvania second show added anyway go ahead um which she says that all the doctors are gaslighting
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her and saying oh it's not a real thing you don't have any disease it's like no i totally have it
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what is pots it's like you just feel it's a disease where you find out are you shield attracted
00:07:35.440
you looking it up yeah i want to know what pots is potstown pa
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second show soldiers soldiers that's a cool club it's like oh it's just like uh
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abnormally large increase in heart rate upon sitting up or standing oh that's good you
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my god you probably got her on your knees most of the time right yeah or on her back don't
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get up too fast sweet eyed you got pots stay just later what do you got a nosebleed i mean
00:08:09.440
kind of the air here is so dry it's like he had a nose i had a nose that's why i said it
00:08:14.120
i also have been like fucking having my nose has been all bloody oh yeah yeah oh yeah he is so dry
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ben i can only perform what do you call what do you call a jewish nosebleed blood money
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not bad that should be the name of your first fucking album blood money blood money
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not bad hey it's not great see see how easy it is to create you could have done that
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no he can create we did draw a dick on his forehead the other day which was you draw it we
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no you you filmed it i filmed it exactly i filmed it for the police i filmed it just oh yeah they're
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gonna take that i was at my friend's mb i fell asleep it was opening for a guy i didn't know what
00:09:10.140
else to do they draw a penis on my face i was scared it made me feel uncomfortable i was not
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couldn't sleep no i slept great that night you almost slept better once there was a dick on your face
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well armor was gonna put his balls on my forehead huh no that was a lie that woke you up
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yeah i woke you up he was like oh i want to be awake for this oh i want to really have a good sleep
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what's the point of being a comedian to just be like
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that is the most fun part are you kidding waking up at 4 a.m being like why the fuck am i going to
00:10:00.580
grand prairie it is funny that we work harder than people think like i i think now because of social
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media i think before like a not like there weren't really as many i guess in the 80s there was a lot of
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like mid-level comics that were touring and selling out but nobody knew who they were people were just
00:10:17.620
like comedy every week oh my god and then the clubs yeah door deals for everybody everybody
00:10:21.960
do coke but now it's like but those guys didn't have to post anything they were just selling out
00:10:28.440
because they were like yeah comedy's popular yeah and it was just some guy doing the same jokes
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some other guy doing the jokes that i do now and uh oh and so
00:10:40.180
ben bank is you could have seen him in 1986 you gotta see him now time travel
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anyway so the point is that you gotta work pretty hard these days i know but it's funny that our like
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definition of hard is like make a post and then have to go to a flight it's still not as hard as
00:11:05.240
like a lawyer or a doctor no it's it's just the there's more work than there was because when i was
00:11:12.100
growing up it did get up at 3 a.m you get to the airport get on the floor you board the flight at 4 45 a.m
00:11:18.620
11 hours of travel you get to grand prairie you have a pound of really bad wings
00:11:25.040
uh and uh but a very exceptionally cold beer and then you do a show a sold-out show in a room
00:11:34.260
never meant to have a comedy show in it ever and uh and then you go to bed and then you wake up
00:11:43.380
and then you fly somewhere else yeah it's not that hard no but while you're doing that you gotta
00:11:50.760
well look i've made it easier because but it's also cost money to have a video guy come with me
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and make sure that the podcast looks this good and sounds this good we used to do about you know
00:12:02.640
when i did it by myself but you have to do it by yourself to get to the point where you hire somebody
00:12:06.560
else that's what most comics don't understand is they think that they're just gonna you know have
00:12:12.180
this some somebody's just gonna see them do a set and be like kid you don't have to do a ounce of
00:12:18.260
work for the rest of your life you fucking did it that was the best set i've ever seen
00:12:22.280
that's my new bit by the way that's i just do that waddo from star wars
00:12:28.340
where you're fucking where you're tattooing where you're slaves
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and we gotta do a pod race oh i recently watched that with my family that movie that's episode one
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yeah people shit on that i did i love that movie it was great i loved uh all the retarded characters
00:12:47.660
there was uh what's his name jar jar binks jar jar binks it's uh anyway who was i impersonating
00:12:54.360
wato like arabian jewish slave lord yeah no the point is that if you're doing comedy and you don't know
00:13:06.480
what you're doing quit it's what i wrote on the wall of the calgary yuck yuck screen room
00:13:12.380
it says ben bankus you should all quit comedy and then i signed it ben bankus it's a haiku
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it's a beautiful poem it might be the museum of comedy that we should open in calgary albany
00:13:25.080
museum of canadian comedy they should have it but very least in canada yeah it's one room
00:13:33.460
listen no it's a whole thing it's a whole it's a it's a theme park
00:13:40.720
you get on a ride like indiana jones and then it starts with yucks
00:13:52.280
ben bankus just called my wife trans and started to kill myself and sold me a shirt
00:13:58.960
sold me a shirt for 75 dollars could have bought some designer but a shirt with a pack of duds
00:14:06.040
dude there were so many people that would be like fuck y'all buy a hoodie how much i'm like
00:14:14.180
100 they were like fuck yeah i didn't see that but those people are just saying that because they
00:14:19.140
don't spend money on anything and like americans spend money on stuff yeah so like when they're like
00:14:24.960
oh yeah 100 bucks that makes sense because they do the math immediately they're like you had to get
00:14:28.440
here you're staying in a hotel you know you have these fuck you know human beings that you're
00:14:35.140
bringing around with you um and uh they understand and also it's a nice sweater
00:14:40.220
put it on you got it on yeah show it show it off for the audience in case they want to buy a sweater
00:14:51.640
it is it is nice it's nice maybe that's slightly bit too big the the design but i kind of like that
00:14:58.540
it's a little bigger like a baby like see how your green bay designs like smaller like it should be
00:15:04.940
like that size well this is also embroidered that's why yeah this was embroidered it'd be
00:15:09.880
that'd be embroidered it'd be fucking two hundred dollars three hundred six hundred dollars ben bank
00:15:15.020
is much six hundred dollars a piece i would not i'll be honest like that i think that would be
00:15:19.540
where i draw by like nuremberg line is if you made me sell a three hundred dollar hoodie just knowing
00:15:23.640
i'm like this is not worth it i cannot i'm selling three hundred dollar hoodies you're not gonna be
00:15:28.100
selling them they're gonna be they're gonna be sold by the filipinos that work at the arena
00:15:35.260
probably shouldn't have said filipino but all the all the different groups that i appreciate and are
00:15:42.420
happy that are in our country that including white and indigenous um but it's not gonna be you
00:15:49.620
good might be ari no ari can't sell shit he's good at finding shirts though ari would keep just
00:15:56.260
telling people you look great in the hoodie you want another one it's like what kind of pitch is
00:16:00.680
that it works he's like fake selling stuff yeah it's like a weird pitch like you got a nice car
00:16:05.240
you want to buy another car like you can't you gotta kind of be like look at this this is great
00:16:09.600
not i don't even know why i was trying to sell the shirts i know i wasn't making any money off of it
00:16:15.240
i did a lot of people though they literally were like that's not true a few people were like oh you
00:16:20.880
guys get the money right it helps you i was like yeah we don't just give it all to ben immediately
00:16:25.560
to be fair you did used to give us like a percentage of the merch sales and now it's gone
00:16:30.840
forever there was a fucking mutiny yeah it is yeah we're striking we're going on strike
00:16:39.240
my openers are on strike that would be really funny if we did that just every show you're gonna go on
00:16:46.960
like fuck i don't know boys no openers gotta have the fucking venue manager going like and ladies and
00:16:53.740
gentlemen ben bank is no it would just be bad openers actually wouldn't be a bad bit for the
00:17:00.000
live pod if we like go on strike during the pod we like have like signs and shit no it'd be a terrible
00:17:05.040
bit every all your all your fans that'd be funny if the live pod if people knew who you guys were yeah
00:17:09.740
no they don't need to know who we are they need to know that there's protests
00:17:13.500
and that people are going on strike oh having honestly fake protest fake protest is smarter than
00:17:20.100
there you go fake open like opener protest strike does a bit yeah opener protest
00:17:25.700
yo i won't fucking do 15 what do i want extra 50 bucks
00:17:32.180
50 bucks or five more minutes about you fucking figure it out
00:17:37.140
fucking 20 percent of the shirts is 40 you don't fucking pay me well enough i'm bringing you on as
00:17:42.380
your headliner listen the show that's a little short money went to you guys ever come no i like your
00:17:48.700
breakfast honestly i've had better well i've had more expensive all right meaning i took you to the
00:17:57.980
cheapest fucking place no we put our name we tried to get brunch in calgary today and for some reason
00:18:04.860
it's the most popular place to get brunch in the world like it took an hour and a half to get a seat
00:18:11.840
and then we ended up with the worst seats at like a diner it wasn't like a real classic diner it was
00:18:17.340
like a trans diner but it was kind of good i liked it was it a kind of a trans diner they did have one of
00:18:23.780
those signs this is what i don't understand about when you go into a restaurant and they have a sign
00:18:27.960
that says we accept or we allow gay trans women gender neutral all these different things and it's
00:18:40.460
like and all races and all religions it's like so if i go to a restaurant and they don't have that up
00:18:46.220
am i to assume they don't have any of those people in the restaurant because then i will pay extra
00:18:51.340
do you want to go to like a whites only restaurant
00:18:54.840
i want to own it no i'm just kidding um no i yeah i mean i would go i would check it out it's my
00:19:05.060
check it out they probably wouldn't even let me in they'd be like ben bankers bankers sounds a little
00:19:11.940
shlankers yeah what are the what we call you today glenn oh yeah glenn two table for four for glenn
00:19:19.180
glenn yeah glenn foster glenn slank is you were like making up names to give the wait list oh yeah
00:19:26.600
one place you were like john i was like what the fuck they're gonna find out ben bankers went to oeb
00:19:31.620
and uh fuck that really ruined his career not that any of the native stuff but the fact that he got
00:19:36.600
eggs at that place what about the guy who's like my uh like alternate reality i was about to bring
00:19:42.740
that up there's some guy named gargi gankus who's like no jag beer gankus yeah and he's an ex-comic
00:19:49.440
from yuck yucks i don't really want to talk shit about him because he's probably he'll probably see
00:19:53.280
this and then be like but uh i kind of want that we have dude this is your bizarro superman is this guy
00:20:00.580
who hates it's just i mean the funny part yeah is my name's ben bankers his name is jag gankus
00:20:05.920
yeah like he's the exact opposite of you in every way he's like the muslim version yeah i think it's
00:20:10.580
crazy he's like pro-palestine anyway he's like super pro-palestine he's like yelling at people
00:20:14.720
on camera like all the time and then the people who troll him we just go failed comedian jag beer
00:20:21.420
gankus i just see that i go who's my cousin jag beer jag beer banks it's just you and blackface
00:20:33.320
live pod idea we did we've thought of that every week i know every week it's like what should ben do
00:20:44.760
this time and we're like hey you should throw rocks of an indian man tied to a crucifix and maybe that
00:20:48.580
will be good enough tossing rocks in jerusalem the western wall you've been to the western wall
00:21:00.320
of course oh my god many times what's the western many times you've done the thing and put your
00:21:05.440
hand on it oh is that the wall where they go yeah that's the wall the wall where they take like all
00:21:10.880
the politicians yeah make them jew oh what was that like did you feel anything when you touched
00:21:16.500
the wall or did it kind of disillusion you from god it's a nice wall it's big it was like little
00:21:22.320
notes it'd be funny if trump's wall was that exact wall he just built it there's a western wall then
00:21:28.300
there's a mexican border wall it's just i put my hand on that i go drive your family down to the
00:21:35.920
fucking border here it is kids the wall there's just mexicans on the other side please help me
00:21:43.680
there's also like it's so fucked up such a bad world is it i mean it's like dark we're in the good
00:21:55.300
part yeah we're in the good part if we were on that side we this podcast would be very different
00:21:59.200
yeah we'd be like that's what the mexicans sound like yeah it's a good pod those are venezuelans
00:22:13.680
it sounds african honestly just sounds like have you seen what
00:22:20.320
uh gv i get a lot of those uh african videos now with the big lip national geographic women
00:22:30.220
like disc in the lip and the like ear discs it's interesting that they put plates in their lips
00:22:37.460
hungry hungry hippos you got anything pal no i'm just gonna let them sit and watch
00:22:47.700
one of the worst podcast guests i know seriously what was the one yeah and austin
00:22:56.040
like on fucking are he's like a background actor in a fucking podcast
00:23:04.640
you're like a background actor of your own life yeah you're like hey all right let's do a podcast
00:23:09.020
and so i'm like oh we're gonna be sitting across you're gonna be talking to me and you're like you
00:23:12.340
put you sit in front of your webcam like all right sit in the background while i talk to my
00:23:15.840
fans they're framed for cameras you hate you're like the worst show business jew i've ever had oh
00:23:21.900
my god watching you him like uh josh take your pictures today oh you just taking directions he's
00:23:28.720
like uh say it a little like this like come on come on i'm trying to get breakfast i was starving
00:23:34.400
going everywhere looking at restaurants put our names on wait lists i know let's take pictures
00:23:41.700
instead of eating and then you take you're like an idiot savant though because then we took you to
00:23:45.320
a music store you just started playing piano like you're a fucking ray charles you were literally
00:23:50.820
just like yeah i know you're like the jew you have like the talents of a jew from the 40s
00:23:57.640
like i'll write all the christmas and here i am to save the day the fuck like mel brooks if you
00:24:05.360
never made it what do you mean i'm on the bankers pod right now yeah that's exactly my point
00:24:11.600
you're not even contributing to it you're just i'm on the bankers pod wow is that what you meant
00:24:20.100
covering up your roast yeah yeah oh bending like that no it's good it is good it's good nobody's
00:24:34.060
watching it but it's good yet yeah not right now we haven't posted it ari shafir and the escape from
00:24:43.260
azkaban ari shafir jewish harry potter no harry schlotzky
00:25:03.360
just at the fucking dining hall like you had a pastrami
00:25:07.320
any shark shuka back there you make me a reuben
00:25:12.600
hagrid hagrid where's reuben hagrid have you heard of hamas
00:25:18.820
hamas has infiltrated hogwarts he who shall not be named yasser arafat there's a strike at
00:25:25.740
hogwarts all the kids are protesting israel all the openers in hogwarts are protesting
00:25:30.980
gibberty bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety
00:25:32.160
bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety bobbety